diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 4 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/69316-0.txt | 10481 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/69316-0.zip | bin | 179325 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/69316-h.zip | bin | 2206810 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/69316-h/69316-h.htm | 14393 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/69316-h/images/cover.jpg | bin | 328080 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/69316-h/images/fructus.jpg | bin | 13973 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/69316-h/images/illus01.jpg | bin | 63687 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/69316-h/images/illus02.jpg | bin | 83447 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/69316-h/images/illus03.jpg | bin | 109014 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/69316-h/images/illus04.jpg | bin | 96380 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/69316-h/images/illus05.jpg | bin | 34798 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/69316-h/images/illus06.jpg | bin | 84807 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/69316-h/images/illus07.jpg | bin | 67625 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/69316-h/images/illus08.jpg | bin | 108805 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/69316-h/images/illus09.jpg | bin | 94852 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/69316-h/images/illus10.jpg | bin | 60661 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/69316-h/images/illus11.jpg | bin | 75521 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/69316-h/images/illus12.jpg | bin | 88484 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/69316-h/images/illus13.jpg | bin | 58160 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/69316-h/images/illus14.jpg | bin | 67446 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/69316-h/images/illus15.jpg | bin | 97024 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/69316-h/images/illus16.jpg | bin | 104814 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/69316-h/images/illus17.jpg | bin | 91619 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/69316-h/images/illus18.jpg | bin | 108586 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/69316-h/images/illus19.jpg | bin | 86217 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/69316-h/images/illus20.jpg | bin | 103817 -> 0 bytes |
29 files changed, 17 insertions, 24874 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5bd2483 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #69316 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/69316) diff --git a/old/69316-0.txt b/old/69316-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 638fa20..0000000 --- a/old/69316-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,10481 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of Letters of a Japanese schoolboy -("Hashimura Togo"), by Wallace Irwin - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: Letters of a Japanese schoolboy ("Hashimura Togo") - -Author: Wallace Irwin - -Illustrator: Rollin Kirby - -Release Date: November 8, 2022 [eBook #69316] - -Language: English - -Produced by: Peter Becker and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team - at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images - generously made available by The Internet Archive) - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LETTERS OF A JAPANESE -SCHOOLBOY ("HASHIMURA TOGO") *** - - - - - - -[Illustration: “Therefore I entertain him to beer-ceremony at saloon of -Hon. Strunsky, Irish patriot”] - - - - - Letters of - A Japanese Schoolboy - - (“_Hashimura Togo_”) - - BY - WALLACE IRWIN - Author of “The Love Sonnets of a Hoodlum,” “Shame of the - Colleges,” “Nautical Lays of a Landsman,” etc. - - Illustrated by Rollin Kirby - - [Illustration] - - New York - Doubleday, Page & Company - 1909 - - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, INCLUDING THAT OF TRANSLATION - INTO FOREIGN LANGUAGES, INCLUDING THE SCANDINAVIAN - - COPYRIGHT, 1907, 1908, BY P. F. COLLIER & SON - - COPYRIGHT, 1909, BY DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY - PUBLISHED, FEBRUARY, 1909 - - [Illustration] - - - - -[Illustration: “Sometimes I sit and wonder in my artless Japanese -way”—_The Mikado_] - - - - -CONTENTS - - - I. Our Noble Allies 3 - - II. The Honourable War Cloud 11 - - III. The Yellow Peril 19 - - IV. Lady Suffergettes and How They Do It 26 - - V. The Financial Breakdown 37 - - VI. Hon. Niggers, Was They Freed by Lincoln? 46 - - VII. Hon. Simple Life Among Ambassadors 55 - - VIII. A Third Term for Our Emperor 63 - - IX. Hon. Modesty: Is it a Disease? 71 - - X. Spring 80 - - XI. Education in American Language 90 - - XII. The Visit of the Fleet to San Francisco 98 - - XIII. Flighty Navigation of Air 107 - - XIV. The Conventional Meeting of Reps in Chicago 118 - - XV. America’s Bang up Ceremony 128 - - XVI. Can Africa Wait till March 4th? 138 - - XVII. The Hon. Gasolene 149 - - XVIII. America’s Base Game of Ball 159 - - XIX. Is a Vice-Pres Nearly a King? 169 - - XX. My Conception of the Presidency 179 - - XXI. How American Advertisement Does It 189 - - XXII. Olympus Games and International Cement 196 - - XXIII. Outside Exercises for Health 207 - - XXIV. Can Hon. North Pole be Detected? 218 - - XXV. High Tariff on Princes 227 - - XXVI. The Servant Problemb 237 - - XXVII. The Feetsteps of Science 247 - - XXVIII. The Hon. Mars 256 - - XXIX. Standard Oiling across Party Lines 265 - - XXX. The Hon. Bomb 275 - - XXXI. Enjoyment of Hunger Among Poor Mans 285 - - XXXII. The Alcoholic Temperance Movement 295 - - XXXIII. The Saloon in Our Town 304 - - XXXIV. Election Day 313 - - XXXV. Fall Hats and the Ladies Inside of Them 323 - - XXXVI. Feetball for Mollycuddles 333 - - XXXVII. Will Hon. So. Dakota Be a Blissful Married State? 342 - - XXXVIII. Hon. Mary Christmas 352 - - XXXIX. The Annual New Year 363 - - - - -CHARACTERS CAST UP BY THIS BOOK - - - HASHIMURA TOGO—35-year aged Japanese Schoolboy. - - COUSIN NOGI—educated in horseracing & relidgeon. - - ARTHUR KICKAHAJAMA—missionary boy. - - HON. STRUNSKY—Irish salooner. - - UNCLE NICHI—Japanese strawseed who come to America to be less - so. - - MRS. LUSY MACDONALD—complete angel of 286 pounds beauty. - - LITTLE ANNIE ANAZUMA—of kindergarten intelligence. - - I. ANAZUMA—Japanese shave-proprietor. - - J. FURO—who is dead. - - G. W. MCCANN—prominent drunk. - - SYDNEY KATSU, JR.—who go Harvard study mollycuddling. - - MISS ALICE FURIOKI—wife to Cousin Nogi. - - MISS EVELYN SUKI—dear friend & more even. - - FRANK the Japanned Bootpolish. - - S. WANDA—Japanese Socialist. - - WHANG SO—China boy of sinful profile. - - H. SUNIGAWA—Talented Japanese Spy. - - UNKNOWN JAPANESE—who call himself “Charley Smith” to get job in - a bank. - -Sorted persons, doctors & druggers, Bunkio Saguchi, riots, baseballers, -frequent wise Professors, Hon. Niggers, delegates who walk for the -unions, editors, Napoleon Bonyparte & his Brother Charley, Hon. Police & -other famous Americans to include my dog O-Fido. - -[Illustration] - - - - -ILLUSTRATIONS - - - “Therefor I entertain him to beer-ceremony at saloon of Hon. - Strunsky, Irish patriot” _Frontispiece_ - - PAGE - - “‘Good morning, Mr. Emperor,’ say Hon. Ambassador” 58 - - “‘Would they fit me perhaps?’ I ask for vanity” 72 - - “‘Why all this yall about, unless of mania?’ I require to know - from Hon. Police” 82 - - “When Hon. Operator seen my telegraf he say: ‘What language - is them wrote in?’” 100 - - “‘But China!! such eye-pain of nations’” 102 - - “O banzai! whirr of angry rages from engine” 110 - - “Loyal Sons of some fairish land parading under banner of the - Nice Old Party with placards to show how harmonious they feel” 120 - - “There I meet Motor Man who ... suffocate me with international - courtesy” 150 - - “‘I have a developed chest already,’ snuggest Hon. Taft” 208 - - “They should not make groups around him with scissors to cut - away souvenirs from him” 224 - - “‘I require to leave message for Cousin Charley at Washington’” 246 - - “‘O! Sweethearted Mrs. Madam, I enjoy a brainache this morning, - thank you’” 312 - - “‘Do not hide your light under a bushel basket,’ are smart - quotation for me” 326 - - “‘All of them persons is related to each other in some way - and another—some by proxy, some by regret’” 340 - - “Obi Obi and the Willy Sparrow” 344 - - - - -Letters of a Japanese Schoolboy - - - - -I - -OUR NOBLE ALLIES - - - SAN FRANCISCO, November 4th. - - _To Esteemed Excellency the Editor of what is much widely read - New York newspaper._ - -DEAR SIR—I am a Japanese Schoolboy age 35 years & I come to this Free -Country for some following reason: - - 1. To save up money for old age. - - 2. To learn so much I can. - - 3. To wait on table 14 hours Daily at Boarding house of Mrs. C. - W. O’Brien, honourable lady. - -I am not doing so to-day as I am Confined in hospital enjoying much pain -from brick-bat wound sent to me by one American Patriot. Also I am not -attending school for some time. - -If your Highness will permit such correspondence I will ask some Question -which I will answer myself so as to save too much trouble for your -valuable time. Thank you. - -Some frequent Professors are asking the question now: Will White Man -and Yellow Man ever mix? I answer Yes because I have knowledge of the -affair. They mix once in San Francisco, they mix once in Vancouver. -But such mixing is not good-healthy for the human race because it make -broken glass, pistol-shot, outcry, militia and many other disagreeable -noises. Japanese gentleman mix races with jiu jitsu, Irish gentleman with -gas-pipe. Those are both good ways to know. - -I have heartfelt feel for American gentleman because my Teacher tell me -America and Japan are Noble Allies. Are we not this? Hon. Marquis Wm. -Taft arrive to Tokyo to say these truth. He state to Admiral Togo, “We -are Noble Allies,” and Admiral Togo response, “If we shall not be Noble -Allies we shall be Noble Liars.” Tokyo is so happy that Rising Sun make -tear-drop falling on star-stripe banner. Banzai! - -Excuse bad penmanship as Right Hand was wounded by brick-bat from -one Noble Ally name Casey. Bottles was also used on head which were -unfortunate. - -So happy Japanese! Japan has most Noble Allies than any other country. -France, England, these dear Uniteds State, Germany, Australia, -Switzerland, Spain, Portugal are all to fight in our behaviour. Also -Corea. The most strongest of our Allies must, therefore, be England who -gives day-and-night thought to making all Japanese comfortable. London -newspaper weep for shame when San Francisco labour man drop building -material on head of Japanese gentleman. London newspapers arrange their -editorial full with considerable pity. Yes, please. England man loves -Japanese man with much distinction because both are brothers by germ, are -they not? Also affinities. - -My cousin Nogi become recently absentee from San Francisco because he -might reside away from the brick-bats. He went to inhabit in British -Columbia at Vancouver to work in the Kakemono Barber Shop under the so -glorious British banner. This is protection for all weak persons. I am -therefore much more ill in my sick hand when I read this telegraph from -my cousin Nogi. - - _To Hashimura Togo, San Francisco_: - - Welcome to Canada by Noble Allies. Three killed, seven wounded. - All well. Please send shot gun. - - NOGI. - -I think so continuously concerning my cousin enjoying trouble from that -cordial Great Britain that I am about to make hara-kiri by swallowing -bottle of hospital-medicine; but I relieve my death more easily by -making the following poetical thought which I mailed to the King of -England who lives in London: - - -_ADDRESS TO MR. EDWARD, EMPEROR OF THE BRITISH, WHO LIVES IN LONDON_ - - America man he strike for pay, - Japanese work for a dollar a day. - We like all much work can do— - You like Jap boy work for you? - - Yes, sir, thank you, I come now: - Plenty more Jap boy soon learn how. - O so sorry no can stay— - Yes, please, come again soon—good day! - - London paper say, “Jap nice, - Fight much, think much, eat much rice.” - England love us, so we heard— - What for Canada say bad word? - - Yes, sir, thank you, one good graft; - Little Brown Brother, Big Bill Taft. - O so happy come round quick— - What for Canada throw Big Stick? - - We sweep kitchen, scrub out pan, - Learn speak English soon we can. - We be good boy, so polite, - Trot all daytime, think all night. - - Yes, sir, thank you, too much fuss. - We like Canada—you like us? - O so sorry must go way— - Yes, please—come again soon some day! - -I am still awaiting Answer to this poetical thought which must be there -somewhere in English postoffice soon. - -Why do Japanese Boy come to this country is requested for reply from -almost every white mind of prominence. I will answer with several reason -from my own vocabulary: - - 1. To learn religion, Bookkeeping & Stenography. - - 2. To cement that Friendship of nations and keep grocery store. - - 3. To attend horse-racing contests. - - 4. To learn American Manners - - 5. To study Customs, Murders, Art, Science, & Humoristic - Literature from sunday papers. - - 6. To go back to Japan. - -Perhaps you read in newspaper sometime rather recently about a warfare -which we enjoyed with our Honourable Ally Russia which we cause to love -us with a bayonet. Your Emperor, Mr. Roosevelt, then taught us how the -peace may be manufactured and we have done so ever since. If you did not -read of this in papers I will send you clippings from the _Shimbun_ of -Tokyo. We are sending the glad hand of fellowship around to all white -persons, but I can not do so this week because the brick-bat wound I said -to you about is in my right wrist. - -Before enjoying that painful collision I spoke something with Hon. -Strunsky, the Delegate who Walks for the Unions. Some of my countrymen -has seen Hon. Strunsky Walk, but he has been Setting down on them -occasions seen by me. I went there with ceremony before Mr. Strunsky at -his saloon, because he is Irish and makes angry sudden. - -“Please,” I enquiry, “let Japanese Boy to plumbing union. I am able to -plumb with intelligence.” - -“You make me tired,” he retorted back. - -“Esteemed sir, if you are exhausting yourself with fatigue let Japanese -Boy have your job. My cousin is ambitious for such a situation.” - -“Beat it!” response Hon. Strunsky. - -I could not assimulate that word he said it. - -“What should he beat?” was question for me. - -“You beat yourself around block—skiddoo!” explained honourable Delegate -gentleman. - -When he was explaining these things in war-cry voice so all could -understand Mr. Carbonetti, an American gentleman, struck me on the wrist -with a small piece of House which was not then built. I spoke “Banzai!” -and Mr. I. Rogo, proprietor of the Rising Sun Coffee House, came with -leaps and make jiu jitsu upon Mr. Carbonetti while O. Takura, my cousin’s -grandfather, stopped Mr. Strunsky’s speeches with some kindling-wood. -Soon there was rain of brick-bats from sky and Japanese Boys present much -regretted they did not wear any umbrella. - -That is some ways it happened. - -Was it then wise for the Delegate who Walks for the Unions to say so? For -was he not often remarking there was no place for Japanese gentleman in -the American business? He does not know the statistick like the Japanese -statesman may tell him. What does Ichipanorama, Walt Whitman of Fuji, say -so? - - The Visible Universe was never so full of men, Monkeys, Furniture, - Noise, Literature, Diseases, - That there was not a Place somewhere, either in the hall bedroom, or - in the kitchen, or in the cellar under the kitchen, - Or in the ice-box under the stairs - For the Good, - the Beautiful - and the True. - Gotama Buddha, or the Janitor, or Somebody else makes room for the - Humble Deserving - And even a Parrot - May be allowed in the Apartment House. - Does a Rich Man refuse to take gold because it is yellow? - Does a Cook refuse to boil potatoes because they are brown? - Does a Car Conductor refuse to take on another Passenger because of - race, colour or previous condition of servitude? - He does not, neither do they. - Man leapeth from land to land even as the flea from dog to dog. - It is so enrolled upon tablets of porcelain and ivory. - -This is not exactly how Ichipanorama says how, but something like so. -America has room for all. The Irish gentleman to hold the great public -offices, the Jewish gentleman to attend to the drama and the clothing -store, the Italian gentleman to be the merchants with the fruit, the -German gentleman to attend to the large sausage interests of the country. -The Japanese gentleman, then, what does he require in this so great -commonwealth? Sometimes something, sometimes something different. To -nail the shoe, to write the books, to work in the gymnasium, to run the -banks, to peel potatoes, to govern the states. Anywhere you require his -usefulness he will be so happy to be there. - -Hoping your Highness understands plainly to know how I think these things -here, and love to all. - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - -II - -THE HONOURABLE WAR CLOUD - - - SAN FRANCISCO, November 16th. - - _To Editor of New York newspaper, enlightened printer who - manufacture Truth for all thoughtful Person._ - -DEAR SIR—I so happy, thank you, esteemed Mr., for you listen to how I say -so in my last letter. Therefore I am much obliged to you for several more -intelligent Question which I will ask you what is. - -During my residence in Hospital to enjoy brick-bat wound sent there by -Labouring Union, I give some large quantities of thought-attention to -future life. What business would be swiftest for making success of it? -Waiting on table-board of Mrs. O’Brien, honourable lady, is repulsive to -proud Japanese Boy any more do. Which would be better for me: To learn to -be Christian Missionary or to study for bookkeeping and stenography? Both -ways lead to good jobs. - -My cousin Nogi, who return from British Columbia leaving front teeth -with English friends there, say, “Missionary jobs are no longer needed -for Japan, because our dear country already have rapid-fire fleet and -stand-up army sufficient to make all Japanese Christians.” - -“What date is arrange for this Japan-America war to be shot off?” I ask -for answer. - -“Not yet but when!” response this Nogi making eyewink, American salute. - -“In such a warfare which kingdom would beat it?” is next question for me. - -“Frequently one and then some,” collapse Nogi, who think as I do. - -Therefore I still ask to know. Hon. Mr. Sir, could you so courteously -remind Japanese Boy of exact date for such warfare? If there is any -announcement in your press of this battle would you send me clipping, -address Hospital? Such an answer would be delightful to know for -all-coloured races. Political man, labour-union man, newspaper-press all -have brain-ache questioning, When. You will permit me, please, to speak -how I think so? - -Japan-America war is impossible to happen! Banzai! All should be so -happy in Hon. Carnegie talking-library at Hague. Philippine Island must -be taken by Japan on mortgage or some other peaceable conquest. Perhaps -American Congress will consider this nice birthday present to Emperor of -Japan. - -How I make this knowledge? Because so. Japan could never secure these -United States entirely for Japanese Government. I. Anazuma, Japanese -barber, tell me how Mr. Kuroki might not capture New York from such great -distance of San Francisco. And what must Japan do with New York when -captured? That is hard question for Japanese Boy. - -While residing in Hospital bed my cousin Nogi come to me bringing -donation of banana-fruit for lunching. These fruit come as package -enwrapped in American newspaper-press. I am thankful for lunch, but more -so thankful for reading-news on enwrapping. The information tell me -nervously that fleet of ships commanded by Hon. Pres. Roosevelt will go -around to the Pacific ocean by the Cape of Horn, avoiding Panama canal -which is less done. Must Japan shoot American ship for going to Pacific -ocean? This is question for editor. I answer, No, please! Pacific ocean -still have too much water for Japan to cover with torpedo boats. Thank -you, America fleet may call at San Francisco, San Diego, Seattle without -angry rage from Tokyo government which is busy civilizing Corea. Hon. Mr. -Roosevelt is welcome to travel. - -Howeverly is, some sinful thoughts come to Japanese Boy. Is not some -excitement interesting to all-coloured races? It would be fine -engagement for Japan-America navies to come together sometime for slight -shooting-scrape, because both have enjoyed very pleasant target-practice. -America navy recently use boat of Hon. Adm. Cervera for excellent bull’s -eye. Japanese navy practice, still more recently, on fleet of Hon. Mr. -Rodjestvensky in which practice Japan gunners score 97 out of possible -100 hits. Yet it are not good-healthy for 2 such equal navies to meet in -angry rage, because they might be bursted by following brutal diagram: - -[Illustration] - -Mr. Editor I am Samurai, like all other Japanese Boys. When sick hand is -well I am good for all fights. My friend, Arthur Kickahajama, missionary -boy, is exceptional to this rule saying man-strangling and dynamite -explosion to be bad for human race. He teach meek-eye as best disease for -strong-arm. He come to Hospital and hold my sick hand to say, - -“Togo, when union labour drop brick-bat upon Japanese Boy, what then?” - -“Hara-kiri!” I explain. “Japanese Boy deliver jiu jitsu upon eye of Mr. -Casey.” - -“So heathen thought!” devote Arthur. “When brick-bat smite left cheek, -right cheek is then presentable for more.” - -To such talk I am only able to speak of rats. Arthur forgive such -politeness and read me poetical thought, because sickness prevent escape: - - -_ADDRESS TO PEACE DOVE WHAT RESIDE IN HATS OF ALL EMPERORS_ - - Tell us to know, feeble sparrow-bird of quiet politics, - Why is? - Yes, you are equally white as snow, and yet snow frequently catches it - from gunpowder. - What has occurred to your appearance? - What has become of thy tail-feathers, wing-feathers, pin-feathers? - Where is the hair upon thy back and also - Where has thy left eye went? - - Tell us to know, gentle chickadee of disarmed nations, - Why is thy matinee music-song - So heartlus and without feet? - Like the melody of hand-saws playing upon rusty nail, like a leak in a - bagpipe or like - A widowed ostrich pining alone with bronchitis of the throat! - Hast thou a message for the world to know? - Tell me, Arthur Kickahajama, missionary! - If so, - Tell us to know, gentle harbinger of harbour-defences, - Tell us—— - But Peace Dove, butting inwards upon poetical address - Of Arthur Kickahajama, missionary, - Makes peeking expression toward Holland with that one remaining - eyeball, - Makes pointing gesture toward Washington with the stump of bit-off - leg. - And response back to the Japanese poet as follows: “Croak! - “I will tell you to know, Arthur Kickahajama: - I have been delivered to Nations - Bearing label HANDLE WITHOUT CARE! - How can Pidgeon sail tranquil on smooth tail-feathers - When Great Peacemakers - Distribute him here and there shot-out-of-a-gun? - When, to go places, he is clubbed with swords, jabbed by sceptres, - batted by big sticks? - Is there no Society of Prevention for This? - - “And yet I am here, Peace has arrived— - But of what use to mankind delivered in such a shopworn condition? - Thank you for plaster-casts, thank you for limb-bandages, eye-wash, - salve, - Thank you for arnica-poultice, Brother Missionary! - Peace be with you— - Croak!” - -Mr. Editor, your honourable country enjoys many bad traits which are -loathsome to Japanese. You are disagreeable to old age, you neglect -to worship the holy relic. In the American household you worship the -recent Baby with doctors, nurses, chloroform, etc., and at the tooth-cut -of same all have spasms by joy. But when Grandparent injures the -appendicitis he must enjoy it quietly in hospital with stationary to make -will. - -In boarding house of Mrs. O’Brien there is one young lady which all other -eaters at the table-board call “Grandma” because of her immense age. All -young gentlemen there talk humoristical anecdote, smile, eat candy with -young ladies of more recent birth. While youthly ladies are doing this -Miss Grandma set lonesome by lamplight reading Mrs. Humply Ward book. - -I have often noticed these when seated in kitchen studying American -grammar. “Why should not Young Lady be object of pious regard because of -great age?” I frequently enquire for answer. - -One evening I put on frockaway coat and make call to Miss Grandma. - -“Hon. young lady,” I refer, “yes, ma’am, excuse me, sir! Would you tell -one questioning to Japanese Boy?” - -“Surely, Mister Togo,” she response. “Whatever is?” - -“Oftenly” I relate, “I am attractive to your honourable notice setting -lonesome under lamplight. May I call sometime for lonesome company?” - -“You are kind gentleman, Mister Togo,” she beseech. “Yes, you can come -often for lonesome call.” - -“Thank you, sir,” I say, “you are regardless. I come so often kitchen -duties prevent it.” - -She give me smiling expression peculiar to American lady of any oldness. - -“Tell me this answer,” she inquisitive softly. “What qualities in myself -make you such admiration?” - -“I admire you because of Japanese,” I response. “For in Japan we are -taught to reverence the Old Age.” - -She throw Humply Ward book to me, then strike me with lamp-light. Fire -extinguished by means of Persian rug I retire to kitchen to make my soul -enquire about things. - -Hoping your Highness may place this thoughts on printing-press without -danger, and love to family and friends. - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - -S. P.—I am taking lessons in harmonica playing of which Hospital nurse -Flynn is Prof. He teach me national hymn of Hon. Geo. M. Cohen entitled -“The Rag Which We Revere.” Your Constitution must feel very nervous -following that Cohen Flag! - - H. T. - - - - -III - -THE YELLOW PERIL - - - SAN FRANCISCO, November 22d. - - _To New York newspaper management and such as are doing it - there._ - -DEAR PRINTER—I am enjoying great poverty from employment which is missing -this week, thank you. - -This conversation for you to listen: - -“Mr. Togo, goodbye, and be prompt in doing so!” That spoken with -screeches by Mrs. C. W. O’Brien, honourable lady. - -“Sweet-hearted Mrs. Madam,” I resume to her, “why you neglect to allow -Japanese Boy any more wait on table-board at your establishment?” - -“Because this,” she demand, “lazy stupor of brain unfit Japanese Boy -for such jobs. During three weeks of time you remain in hospital to -enjoy pain. You think of book study more than delivering soup to my -table-eaters. Some others must carry coffee-dish for this employment. -Therefore exit from these house!” - -“Thank you to know, Hon. Mrs.,” I report, “what person shall obtain job -when I have went from here?” - -“One China boy I have got him more intelligent as you for half price to -do it,” she refer. - -I see plain truth to this. Looking to kitchen I observe Whang So, -one China boy of sinful profile. I make race-riot inside of me, but -peace-treaty outside. - -“Honourable Mrs. O’Brien,” I say with smiling expression, “good day, -so sorry, thank you so much!” Then I make quick-step to sidewalk and -trot-step to establishment of Jigo Furo, Japanese hardware. - -“Thank you for something durable to handle,” I say to this Jigo Furo. - -“This stove-poker is recommended for all use,” he response. It surely was -truthful. I take it away for call on Mr. Whang So, China boy of sinful -profile. He come to door of Mrs. C. W. O’Brien when asked for. - -“Whang So, Chinese puppy-cat, wherefore you have national characteristics -of one potato?” I relapse. - -“You go way, no good!” he reserve with impolite expression of Oriental. - -For reply I throw stove-poker to neck of Whang So, give him jiu jitsu -to porch and tie him with abominable pig-tail to door knob of Mrs. C. -W. O’Brien where he may be found. This things I done to Whang So as -race-riot to Chinese persons which is no good for America by following -statistick: - - 1. They perform cleanly-washing infrequently. - - 2. They are back-hand in religion, reform, bookkeeping and - stenography. - - 3. They teach poker game to Japanese Boy. - - 4. They are a Yellow Peril. - -I have given some brain-study to this Yellow Peril to make sure it is a -bad blessing for these Uniteds State. It is. But should we Americans of -all-colour enjoy fear of such? Answer is, No! Coreans, Chinese, & Hindus -is Yellow Peril. All Japanese can defeat these easily with club-stick. We -have been there to try it. If white Caucasian fear such a Peril Japanese -will promise to chase it away for small wage-pay. It will be amusement -for Japanese Boy who know how. - -All persons should be kept out of this kingdom who can not show -good-coloured complexions at ship-dock. Torpedo-fleet, battle-boat, -dynamite & congress should be shot off to prevent landing of such trash -like Mr. Whang So and other Chinese of yellow birth. Coreans, Siamese, & -Hindus must also be prevented from escaping into this country. Christian -ships must take these complexions back to original islands where they -belongs. This is best good for all human races. - -Many negro persons of Southern States is also Yellow Peril, but these can -not enjoy exclusion, because there is no place to exclude them to. - -But Japanese gentleman, please, must not be written down for this list. -Derby hat, American pant, Tuxedo overcoat, have rendered him completely -white of complexion and able to vote for President when asked to know -how. Please do not include him in Yellow Peril, because he will not -be there. He is doing things by each day that makes folks white. Let -Japanese help to do push-out to all-coloured Yellow Perils coming to this -country together with others patriots of star-stripe banner Yankee-doodle -dandy, banzai! - -I will speak to you of two Yellow Perils which I know of my knowledge. - -I am acquaintance of one Corean gentleman name of Whee who reside in -cellar of this city. He do not change his clothing which is economical. -He sleep in soap-box, but the soap is missing. To approach Mr. Whee with -hygiene is too dangerous for good healthy. Labouring Union do not fear -this Corean gentleman, because he shall never take no work from nobody. -When not hitting pipe-smoke this Whee man is dreaming of ancestors. He -will also be one soon. When I observe such Corean patriot approaching to -me I choose next street, thank you. This man is Yellow Peril of bright -colour. - -In one more cellar, close to where this Corean citizen reside, there -sleep one Polish gentleman name of Gumowsky. This Gumowsky man is notable -for forgetfulness in washing. Two times each year he is removed by -health Board, but this is of no use for Mr. Gumowsky who make financial -income collecting second-handed cigarettes. When he obtain sufficient -whiskey-drunk there is warcry from his downstairs residence and whichever -furniture he can discover to break is throwed on street to strike -by-passing pedestrians. Mr. Gumowsky is not good gentleman to inhabit -this American country. He is a Yellow Peril of dark colour, because -soiled. - -Which is more better citizen, thank you—Mr. Whee of opium smoking and -Gumowsky of whiskey-drunking or Japanese Boy of derby hat, frockaway coat -and all other white manners of civilizedation? - -On evening time of last Thursday night Japanese branch of Chinese -Exclusion League meet for church social at Asiatic M. E. Church where -good time were enjoyed there. My cousin Nogi took as escort Miss Mabel -Sanjijo who he are engaged to marry when divorced. I delivered to this -gaiety Miss Alice Furioki pleasant young lady of yellow extraction. -All Japanese Boys was present with other national ladies. Rev. Hon. -Chillworthy, American missionary, make all happy by coming late. - -Japanese Boy Male Quartette open excitement by songing, “I love you the -same long years ago when first I meet you on the village green.” Songing -listened at with patience by all. Japanese solo was next performed -on phonograf. Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, do card-trick for -excitement of amusement. Then we enjoy “post-office” game to practise -kissing, American salute. When this was subsided I made so nervous as to -read following poetickal thought: - - -_ADDRESS TO CONGRESS ABOUT STOP-OFF OF YELLOW PERIL_ - - Make it hard for Chinese to come in, please, - Make it nice and easy for stay out. - Punish naughty China for that sin, please, - Show what for you mean such things about. - Chop chop head of Chinese immigration. - Bang-up foolish pigtail cooley-man, - Keep such Yellow Peril from your nation. - (That give room for persons from Japan.) - - Swift-kick China off your map, - Shake-shake smile for glad-hand Jap! - - Ship the negro person to some island— - That will solve one problem pretty quick. - Make the Injuns live upon a highland - Scared for to come down by that Big Stick. - - Shoot the no-good Russian off this nation, - Send the black-hand Dago back to Rome; - Clean this land of foreign immigration— - Then the Japanese Boy feel at home. - - Shoot the Yellow Peril—boom!— - Then the Jap Boy have more room. - -After this rhythm Rev. Hon. Mr. Chillworthy nearly made talk-speech. He -was just saying it about “Higher Life for Japanese Boy” when something -happen which was too bad. Whang So, China boy, enter with two cousins, -Whang Get and Whang Gee. There was up-jump for all. Banzais could be seen -everywhere as chandeliers, etc., flew to heads of China boys while those -nationality was departing through windows. After these Chinese Exclusion -act was performed this church sociable busted up with prayers and ice -cream. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - -S. P.—Mr. Editor, would you put following wedding notice in paper of -yours? - -“Mr. Hashimura Togo of Kobe, Japan, will be marriaged to Miss Alice -Furioki of Tokyo, same place, ceremony to be had at Asiatic M. E. Church, -S. F. This excitement will take place when job is found for Japanese Boy -which is not now doing so.” - - H. T. - - - - -IV - -LADY SUFFERGETTES AND HOW THEY DO IT - - - SAN FRANCISCO, December 12th. - - _Editor New York newspaper who enjoys great delight while - reading all poetry & story writings which he send back to - Author with smiling excuses_: - -DEAREST SIR—What say that great poeter, Hon. Sir Walter Scotch, about -ladies? He say as follows: - - “O ladies, during idle moments - Inclined to make coyness with giggly expression, - Yet when sick-sorrow time of brain-ache come along - You are very skilful about being an Angel!” - -Since my loving engagement to Miss Alice Furioki I got good chance to -study them Ladies. - -Ladies, Mr. Editor, is nearly always female by sex. This is a very -universal custom. Therefore, since original date of Eve & Adam ladies -of female gander has been accustomed to drudgeness and downtroddery all -time. Ladykind has been slave of gentlemankind from 1 o’clock of history -to present date; they has been personal dry-goods of them tyrants of -male descent without no privileges except following: - - 1. To tell husband what-time to get up by morning. - - 2. To demand him, Why no come home earlier by evenings? - - 3. To require, “What drunk are you carrying on breath?” - - 4. To save wages for him by spending it. - - 5. To take him to theatrical plays for educating of brain. - - 6. To select more fashionable friends for him. - - 7. To explain to him when he is foolish in business. - - 8. To select Presidents, Congressmen, Mayors, etc., for which - he must vote it. - -After doing them slavery for such numberous 1000s of year, all human -ladies is suddenly enjoying angry rage about them downtroddery. They wish -to do some poll-voting for therselves, because husbands is frequently -forgetful about how to do it; and thus wrong persons is often elect to be -President. - -So considerable Suffergetting is being did by ladies who learn to do it. - -Suffergetting immigrate to this U. S. by boat from London where it is -always spoken with a English accent, or it is bogus and cannot be -admitted to respectable jails. Any young lady of 35 years time can learn -to Suffergette if she is quiet about it and listen to speaker while she -is being arrested. This is how to do it most often: - -English lady of name Mrs. Wellington Boots arrive to America dressed -silently in pink opera cloak with white ostrich in hat. She proceeds -herself quietly to Carnegie library, beating tunes on bass drum for fear -someone might notice her. On steps of that learned bookery she array her -feetsteps and make following speech: - -“Oh!!” - -With immediate quickness platoon of police make military formation, -reserves is brought out, still alarm for State Militia and half-holiday -is called in all dressmakers’ establishments. Delegates arrive from -Daughters of Rebecca, Neices of American Revolution, little Mothers’ -Association, etc. while Hon. Mrs. Boots pull herself to complete tallness -and say, - -“Fellow Sisters, let us arise up and smite it! Already we are ten million -strong, and I see Congressman Carrie Jones approaching with 4 nurse-girls -and 2 lady-cashiers, which makes us 6 stronger than we was. Let us -forward, then, to Liberty or somewhere. Let us make such a race-riot -around that Gentleman Tyrant that Heaven shall be punctuated with -screams and Earth shall be scattered with hairpins.” - -So procession of Lady Suffergettes make forward motion in publick street. -Following is line of marching which they keeps: - - _First Division._ Hon. Mrs. Boots, Judge Ethel Johnson, - Congressmen Carrie Jones & Lily McGee, Major Gen. Birdie - Chowinsky. These eminent statesladies is mounted on red - automobiles and carry one delicious canary-colour Suffergette - flag embroideries of organization-motto “Dux et Draco” and - trimmed with tucks and real Irish lace. - - _Second Division._ Composed of Salvation Army ladies’ Cornet - Band which is playing “Every Day is Ladies’ Day with Us.” - - _Third Division._ Woman’s Temperance Race Suicide Union - carrying motto “Let the Men Bear the Children!” - - _Fourth Division._ Representators of the ex-Housewives’ - Association in carriages saying something serious to each - others. - - _Fifth Division._ Cavalry Troup of Lady Cowboys giving examples - of rude riding. - - _Sixth Division._ One Gentleman Suffergette on foot burdened - with motto “A Man’s a Man for a’ That.” - - _Seventh Division._ Patrol wagons full of policemans with - dutiful expressions. - -After they have did some ½ hour of marching, enthusiastick, etc., -Congressman Carrie Jones say to Hon. Mrs. Boots, “Where shall we go to -demand it?” - -“Let us gone to Parliament,” decry this Mrs. Boots who know how-so to do -it in England. - -“So sorry not to do!” collapse several ladies in unicorn. “We have not -got a Parliament in this town.” - -“Such an irritant! what a nation!” deploy Hon. Mrs. Boots. “Then let us -gone to City Hall.” - -So ice-cream soda refreshment is enjoyed by all and procession makes -onwards to City Hall where it stops itself. Loud rapping on door of this -temple by all present. - -“No admittance to come in!” say voice which is inside trembling. - -“We require to see Hon. Mayor so that we can receive our rights, please,” -says Mrs. Boots with accent. - -“No goods delivered till after lunch, thank you,” say that voice from -inside. “Hon. Mayor is outside eating it.” - -“Then let us have Dist. Attorney, please!” peruse that chorus. - -“No, ma’am, not to do!” dictate voice. “Hon. Dist. Attorney is outside -drinking it.” - -(Patrol wagons stand by with respectable salutes.) - -Loud reports from all lady Suffergettes. Forward march! Door is smashy -open and all mingle inside that City Hall filling it with female -political noises. Mayor office is found vacated. Nothing in Hon. Dist. -Attorney office except empty arm-chairs. Marriage Licence Bureau locked -with key. Nothing to resemblance of Man is discovered inside that City -Hall. - -But No! One timid gentleman is found in City Treasury office hiding in -safe. It is the Janitor who is praying with voice, “Please to avoid -injury me—I am married to a wife.” - -Janitor is permitted to go free, thank you, because of female relations. -Meeting is then held in office. Hon. Mrs. Boots is elect Mayor _pro tem._ -till arrival of Chief of Police when all enjoy arrest and is taken to -Hon. Jail. - -At Hon. Jail Hon. Mrs. Boots, Judge Ethel Johnson and Major Gen. Birdie -Chowinsky is given comfortable cell on Murderers’ Row along with 6 -Insurance Directors, 3 Congressmen, 1 Mayor, and 1 Boy Millionaire who -shot another gentleman under very fashionable circumstances. - -Tea is served in cell and lady Suffergettes receive all-kind friends -which come to congratulate them about being there. American jails is -becoming too exclusive of lately. Persons must be very rich or very -famous, or else talented in some other way, to be locked up with all them -there financiers. - -Every time I see patrol wagon making gallop-off to jail I am excited to -know if it is full of Suffergettes or if it contain another load of Trust -Co. Presidents. - - * * * * * - -I tell my cousin Nogi about that Suffergette procession the same I told -you about. - -“It can not be true, because it isn’t,” he commit for pride. - -“Why-so not so?” I recoil of contempt for short intelligence. - -“Because thus,” he say it, “because in this America no real lady can get -arrested for nothing she does, no matter how much she does it. America -mans is weak from chivalry whenever their wifes & grandmothers needs -to be arrested. Besides something more. Would Hon. Gov. Hughes arrest -1,000 ladies for going to Albany with request, please, to be allowed to -vote for him? Would Hon. Jo-uncle Cannon ring for police-cart because -Suffergettes bust into Congress to exclaim, ‘We want ballot-box to -fill-up with sympathy for Jo-uncle Cannon?’ Would them candidates call -for law to protect gray hairs from this? Answer is, No! Votes is votes, -whether they got skirts on or something else. Washington is a very -comfortable place for persons of either gander or sex to go asking for -privilege to vote; for nearly everybody is a candidate in Washington.” - -“Nogi, you are accused of being a Suffergette!” I collapse for disgust. - -“I am not-so that,” renig this Nogi with blushes, “but Miss Mabel Sanjijo -enjoys such a membership.” - -“Will she join lady-excursion to Suffergette in Washington on March 3?” -is next question for me. - -“Yes-so—if she can borrow it for carfare,” this from Nogi. “If she -can not do she will stay at home & give Hon. Pres. Roosevelt absent -treatment.” - -“Will Hon. Pres. Roosevelt add Suffergette plank to Hon. Republican -platform?” I ask to know. - -“O probably yes-so!” say Nogi. “He have added everything else to that -platform. Why-so should he pause at them ladies?” - -“What did Suffergette Delegation which visited Albany bring back from -that tour?” I decry. - -“They brung back souvenir photo representing one Statesman peeking -through brush-heap. On this was wrote, ‘Choose Hughes & You Can not -Lose,’ This was took as good-luck sign for all Suffergettes.” - -I am disgust of so much back-talk. - -“One last reply I make,” I say. “Female ladies can not make success of it -in middle of Politicks. Shall we send old women to U. S. Senate?” - -“Why not-so?” negotiate Nogi. “If Hons. Platt & Depew remain there so -long will 1 or 2 extra old ladies be conspicuous for notice?” - -Here is some delicious poem for you to abuse: - - -_ALLEGORICAL NATURE FAKE ABOUT JAPANESE STORK-BIRD_ - - BUN-BUN - SAKI-RUN, - Listen to the sing I song! - - In Yeddo, - About 7063 B. C. - There dwell in suburban section - On roof-top chimbley of house - On street - One couple of legitimate Stork-birds - What was just like anybody. - All day Hon. Mrs. Stork-bird - Lie eggs - And look at Yeddo persons - With kind of smile. - All day Hon. Mr. Stork-bird - Go down town to transaction of business with salooners and other drunk. - He vote, - He work - He come home at night - When not forgetting to do so. - - BUN-BUN - SAKI-RUN, - Listen to the sing I song! - - One Thursday afternoon - Mrs. Stork-bird enjoyed one thought - (Which was very scarcely found in them days) - “Gentlemen Stork make vote, - Lady Stork make egg. - So fierce to think! - Why should not Lady Stork make conversation - And Gentleman Stork attend to population? - I ask to know! - Therefore, why?” - So, after she had finished - Household duties of afternoon, - Hon. Mrs. Stork-bird - Flap-fly to chimney residence - Of considerable other Stork-birds - Of Yeddo. - To other lady Stork-birds she deply, - “Come off it! - Liberty, eggality, affinity - Is pass-key word - For downtroddy female! - Therefore, let us begin high-fly with superior intellects of - precinct-leaders & Republican caucases!” - Yet all Lady Storks deplore, - “What shall we do with eggs, please?” - “Drop eggs!” say Mrs. Stork-bird; - “Hon. Husbands can took care of eggs - If they is so bright about things.” - - BUN-BUN - SAKI-RUN, - Listen to the sing I song! - - Lady-storks all desugerated - To sky-high. - They all run country for 28 annual years, - Elected Board of Supervisors - And did very happy job of politicks. - Gentleman Storks, who was discouraged, - Sat on nests, - But with such unhappiness of result! - At last one day people of Yeddo - Look up and decry, - “Where is all Stork-birds went? - My sakes!! - All nests diserted from, - No youthful Stork-birds to see— - Depopulatiousness must set in - Without eggs!!” - And so it was as true, - No eggs, - No storks— - All off! - - BUN-BUN - SAKI-RUN, - Listen to the sing I song! - -This will make very sad song for harmonica. - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - -V - -THE FINANCIAL BREAKDOWN - - - SAN FRANCISCO, January 9th. - - _To Editor New York Newspaper, whichever gentleman or - gentlemans does such useful work there._ - -HON. MR. SIR—This U. S. Kingdom, Mr. Editor, is now at present enjoying -great panic of banking business. I do not participate in this calamity, -because I am making less salary than required for banking surplus. -Therefore I am not objecting to present money shake-down except because -I have none, and yet frequently I hear of stock-jump falling down -grade until it is broken and useless for finance. Yes, also several -banking-business go under. “Under what?” is question for me. For reply -I hear each get-poor gentleman say “Wall Street,” pointing to Augustus -Heinz on map. - -This thoroughfare, Wall Street, must be magnificent place for some -persons to enjoy. My Cousin Nogi explain how about that avenue. “That -is very rich place for gilding,” he response, “each sidewalk there is -paved with gold money which broker gentlemen do not care for. Stock -exchange and many banking establishments there are constructed solidly of -gold-brick.” - -“Nogi,” I relate, “you often know something. Thank you to answer 5 -questions which I have prepared upon letter-paper for reply.” - -“Relate such troubles to some editors,” say Nogi taking derby to go -call on Miss Mabel Sanjijo which he is engaged to marry when divorced. -Therefore I supply those 5 questions about Financial trouble for you to -look at, Mr. Sir: - - 1. When Stocks makes upstart motion why do it act so rather - than stand stationary? - - 2. When Stocks makes downstart movement, what for is the reason - and what would stop it? - - 3. Some gentlemen is called “broker”—what does he break to get - such names? - - 4. When money is lost in Wall St. can this be recovered by - advertising in newspaper? - - 5. Can you give Japanese Boy name and address of some - honourable gentleman who might tell accurately what time some - stocks will be making upstart movement soon? - -Why do bank-houses burst? That is more easy answer than those questions -about Wall St. jumping of stocks. Banks burst because there is nothing -inside and pressure from outside causes cave in of walls. Why is there -nothing in banks when so bursted? Because persons makes runnings on -these banks in order to take outside what is inside. Maybe one man have -$1,000 in this bank-house. He go around to that place to see if these -money is comfortable there. - -“Is my thousand dollar remaining comfortable in this deposit?” he require -of Hon. Pay-Teller. - -“Yes, please,” respond this Financier, “all such moneys is right -deposited where put.” - -“Thanks to know, Mr. Banker,” retort American gentleman. “If you please, -permit me to carry it from places to places in my pocket which I have.” - -“You are obliged to it,” demand them Pay-Teller, and take $1,000 from -deposit, where was, to pocket of American gentleman, where is. Soonly -numberous American gentlemans learn about take-out of $1,000, so all make -running-stampede to bank-house where they say to Pay-Teller: - -“Give _us_ each $1,000 to carry from places to places in _our_ pockets -which we have in our clothes!” - -“You are obliged to it,” response the Pay-Teller. So he deposit $1,000 -to all persons until bank-house bursts down and Wall St. enjoys frequent -panic of fear. - -This show plainly that bank-houses bursting is blame of people who do it. - -Rich men enjoying poverty are much stabbed by financial breaking. Poor -men enjoying large incomes of money are not so stung. - - * * * * * - -To avoid financial panic therefore persons should have too much wealthy -for this. How to get this money is question for Japanese Boy. How did -each great American gentleman acquire such millions? If Japanese Boy -could know how, he might follow example of Industry Captains and get -exhalted likewise. So I put on my derby to discover about this success in -business. - -To Hon. Mr. Strunsky who keep saloon I go with enquiry. Like all Irish -gentlemen Mr. Strunsky is sweethearted when not enjoying angry fit. - -“Tell me to know, Hon. Strunsky,” I examine, “how do this Rockefeller -acquire such many things?” - -“He is successful in grafting,” response Mr. Strunsky. - -“Thank you to response how Hon. Harriman also do so?” I talk. - -“He is fine grafter,” suggest this Irish gentleman. - -“In what profession do Hon. Hill, Hon. Lawson & Hon. Rodgers train -themselves for it?” - -“Graft!” response Mr. Strunsky making blinking motion of eye. - -Thanks so much to Mr. Strunsky I go away improved. I have now choosen -career to which I shall apply my mental thought. Grafting profession -is good thing for Japanese Boy to learn because this lead to famous -success and renown in American life. Maybe I go back Japan and teach this -knowledge in University of Tokyo. - -To become great famous like Rockefeller, etc., must require so much -book-study of grafting. Where to get such books? Walter W. Shoji, who -study learning at California university, say that grafting is sometime -teached by professors together with law-courses. I go to S. F. public -library & there find volumes about farming, architecture, warfare, -arithmetic, socialism & religion, but no book to tell how grafting should -be done by a beginner wishing to do so. - - * * * * * - -Many persons speak of Hon. Abe Reuff, now residing in jail, as grafter. -This do not be so. Grafters are famous gentlemen, and therefore must be -great & good. This Hon. Reuff is not so, for why would he be there in -that jail then? He is so caged up for dishonestness. I would not study -grafting of dishonest man, because he might not teach me right. What did -Wm. Shakespeare, the great book-maker, say so? “Act well your part, -others take notice.” - -Hon. Sir, do you pay cash-money for poetical thought like following -rhythm? - - -_POETRY REQUESTING HON. F. AUGUSTUS HEINZ TO TEACH GRAFTING TO JAPANESE -SCHOOLBOY_ - - Noble man, you tell me so - Something I require to know? - Where I go and what I do - Learn be wealthy man like you? - - Money-king - Pulling string, - Up-stock, down-stock, everything! - - Many person say to me, - “Save your money like John D.”— - Have to save much long to get - Hundred million dollar yet! - - Start too late, - No can wait - Save up cash at such slow rate. - - Other person speak more frank, - “Go take shoot-gun, hold up bank.” - That way sinful, for I know - Honest Grafter not do so. - - Where you take - What you make? - Tell me how for mercy sake! - - Some folks say, “It not wise plan - Get-rich-quick from stock-talk man.” - John get-rich-quick by such game— - Why not Jap Boy do the same? - - One—two—three, - Out goes he— - John stay in (that place for me!) - - Tell me, please, what thing I need, - What course study, what book read, - Make Success of all can do, - Be Great Grafter same like you? - - Be great man, - Make all can, - Teach this Graft to dear Japan. - -Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, come me to-day and make tearful cries -because I have decided to be Grafter instead of learning missionary job. -When he know that I am firmtooth to my purpose he tell me this story -about antique Japan: - -Seven million years previously to the present Japan dynasty the great -philosopher Nichi Nichi sat down to make fishing-sport by small -stream-creek of Yeddo. While engaged in putting angly-worm bait on -fish-hook he look down in stream-creek and observe twelve thousand -sucker-fish in water making eye-wink at angly-worm bait. - -“This would be remarkable luck for Japanese fisherman,” he respond, -dipping angly-worm in puddle. But sucker-fish no care for diet just then -and perch on bottom making smiles through gills. - -Nichi Nichi is excited by obstinacy of sucker-fish. He put on -caterpillar-bait. Nothing to do. He try corn-beef diet for fishes. -They refusal, thank you. He spit on bait to bring favour of fish-god. -Sucker-fish not care for this pains-taking, howeverly. - -Then philosopher Nichi Nichi enjoy angry rage throwing fish-pole to -grass, tearing beard and speeching these: - -“O tell me, sucker-fish, is it not truth that you are reputed most easy -of all fish that practise swimming in these brook near Yeddo?” - -And them twelve thousand sucker-fish, making smiles through gills, raise -fins to universal sky and response, - -“Oh Nichi Nichi, philosopher, we are that.” - -“Then tell me to know, idiotic waggle-tails, why you no care for -delicious baits I provide for eating?” - -“Because this,” reject all them fish together flipping tails to dog-star, -“we have ate them baits before—caterpillar, angly-worm, corn-beef—we have -ate and been catched by those. Never again, thank you so much.” - -“Oh, quite well!” exclamation that great man. “Then I shall offer you -some new rare bait which fishes shall eat only this once time, because so -scarce to get.” - -With these remark the wise Nichi Nichi take all baits off from hook. -Then he drop bare hook in stream. All them sucker-fish cease to smile -with gills and make hungry grab at hook, because this (they thinked to -themselves) was such rare chance. - -As consequence of this excitement Nichi Nichi catch 12,000 sucker-fish in -1 hour 20 minutes. These he made into canned salmon and grow very wealthy -from such a Graft. - -At time of death-bed he remarked to wife and children, “It would be -sinful to waste good Bait on poor Fishes.” - -So this proverb is pasted on all important Japanese tombs today: - -“The gods have fixed the little brooks so that one sucker-fish is born -each minute by clocktime. Who shall catch him, you or I?” - -Hoping your printing-factory is doing good by all news and best wishes to -friends, - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - -VI - -HON. NIGGERS, WAS THEY FREED BY LINCOLN? - - - SAN FRANCISCO, Jan. 29th. - - _To Editor New York Newspaper where Truth is oftenly found on - shrines & Virtue sets in very comfortable rocking-chair._ - -DEAREST SIR—Japanese Schoolboys does not addict therselves to gleeful -laugh of mirth, because some Noble Thought might escape away never to be -catched. What say American songer, Hon. Seth Lowell, about almanac: - -“What is so scarce as a day in June?” - -Answer is: A Noble Thought is more scarcer! - -And yet this morning-time I was uttering several gleeful screams which -was unavoidable to dodge. Editorial of newspaper-print say, “Hon. -Jo-uncle Cannon must be voted for because of face which have close -shave to that of Hon. Abraham Lincoln.” Then I was to blame for them -mirthfulness which almost-so cause race-riot in Japanese section. - -It has become fashionable in this kingdom, Mr. Editor, for candidates -wishing to become President to resemble Hon. Abraham Lincoln so closely -as possible to. This is frequently difficult. Hon. Cannon is like -Hon. Lincoln to roots of whiskers, but them foliage does not indicate -very much about what is going on inside of soul. Difference between -Hon. Lincoln and Hon. Cannon is difference between high-thinking and -high-tariff. Resemblance of them two great Statesmen is only chin-deep. -I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, say-how that expressions of Hon. Fairbanks -& Hon. Hughes could be changed by trimming to make look-like of Hon. -Lincoln. I am alarmed to think. Perhaps-so that famous globe-racer, Hon. -Taft, might be also arranged over in some way, but would he not lose -considerable solid Japanese vote in doing thus? I am amazed to reply. - -Maybe it would be more human-natural for candidates wishing to enjoy -election to hire from some costumer following masquerade: - -Hon. Cannon disguised as Abraham Lincoln. - -Hon. Taft disguised as Bismarck. - -Hon. Hughes disguised as Viscount Aoki. - -Hon. Cortelyou disguised as John Drew. - -Hon. Bryan disguised as Elbert Hubbard. - -Hon. Fairbanks disguised as Uriah Keep. - -Them costumes might be payed for by Campaign Contributions, but will -they? Wall Street regard bribing as sinful during depression of hard -times. - -Before leaving off from Tokyo for these Uniteds State I was considerably -weeped over by my Rev. Grandfather, Japanese of elderly principles who -say-so to me, “Togo, you are going to that wild kingdom of America which -is very full of savage Christians. Do not go to Indiana because Indians -is found there.” - -“I am disgusted to think,” I commute. “What shall I do in this America so -as not to disgrace my long row of ancestors?” - -“Find yourself some Ideal,” corrode Hon. Grandfather. “Make pickout of -some famous American what you can live up to them. Select to be like -George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, or E. H. Harriman. Thank you to -choose.” - -So I leave that dear ancestor to his rice-cake, tea-drunk, hara-kiri and -other old-fashion Japanese customs and take Nippon Maru-boat for America. -When I arrive to wharf I meet Cousin Nogi and enquire to know. - -“Should Japanese Boy imitate performances of Hon. E. H. Harriman in order -to become immediately immortal?” - -“Too dangerous to do!” indicate this Nogi with American eye-wink. “Hon. -Harriman is now being regulated by law.” - -“How about Hon. Washington and Hon. Lincoln to copy for famous career?” I -magnetize for emotion. - -“Hon. Washington could not tell a lie, while Hon. Lincoln was celebrated -for gleeful anecdotes. Therefore Lincoln was most ablest man of them two. -Also because of early struggly of career he was noble example for all -Japanese Schoolboys enjoying poverty for American education.” - -Then Cousin Nogi, who is very addicted to paragraphs of Hon. Ida M. -Tarbell, tell me following history of early Lincoln: - -“When Hon. Abe Lincoln enjoy seven years of oldness,” carouse this Nogi, -“he desire to be President of these Uniteds State which was then a -republick by government. - -“‘How can you manage to be this President and yet work on farm?’ his Rev. -Mother enquire to know. - -“‘By running odd-jobs before times & book-study afterwards,’ molest this -youthful enthusiasm with smiling expression. - -“So with immediate quickness he obtain job of employment mowing grass, -keeping books and running elevator for neighbouring farmer. He also -tilled some soil for people. When not doing this he was studying ‘How to -Be President,’ a book by George Washington who was then enjoying pension -for oldness. - -“In book-studies & job-duties Hon. Lincoln spend 24 hours daily. Balance -of time was devoted to recreations, sleep & other idleness of amusement. -This continual drudgery of employment teach that Lincoln many useful -things,” conduce Nogi at expiration of this history. - -“Ah yes!” I collapse, “it teach him to sympathize for them Negroes who -was also enjoying slavery.” - -I am natural to ask question: Was it good thing to request them Negroes -to stop slaving? I have required for reply of several Japanese about this -Negro Problemb, but they are unamerous to reply, “We do not know any such -coloured acquaintances, thank you!” And they are proud about it. I wrote -letter of this Question to Hon. Booker Washington who answered by sending -C. O. D. “How I Quit Being One,” a delightful volume full of adjectives. -How to know about Negro Question then? - -I at last become acquaintance of Hon. J. Fortesque Smith, Negro-coloured -gentleman who does mop-work at saloon of Hon. Strunsky who runs it. If -all Negroes is like this Smith it must be a talented race. So filled of -expression is his performances on Edison phonograph! With such raring -pathos do he execute that famous negro melody, “Cheerful Widow Waltz” -from them rubber disks! By hour I admire harmonious noise of Hon. Smith -and that talented machine—then pretty soonly came around Hon. Strunsky -with angry Irish voice to command more purchase of beer or get-out. - -At last, Mr. Editor, I go around to grand opera of Williams & Walker, -and there continue study of Negro Problemb. I was very intelligent -about this until Hon. Johnson collapsed into raggle-time sing-songing -entitled “Sus-a-OO, Lu-Lu, I-a want-a you too!” Suddenly I discover my -feets performing jiu jitsu with therselves under seat. I rebuke them -quietly, but they continue to misbehave until, at finally, they strike -dark clergyman in ankle-bone and I am retired from that opera house after -considerable race-riot. - -O surely, it is wrong for that Africa to teach them diseases to Europe -& Asia! And yet that raggle-time coon-singing is a species of chorus -which shoots a long distance into my soul. I am very earnest about this -dark-coloured harmony which comes with such splandid spasms through the -shoes expressing comic emotions as it does so. Could you send me name and -address of some talented Hon. Coon who would furnish tune, rimes, jokes, -etc., for following poetical thought? For this he will receive ½ of what -he gets. - - -_COMIC THOUGHT SUITABLE FOR COON SONG OR SOME OTHER HYMN_ - - On America Maru - And on Nippon Maru - (Similar vapour-boats determined to go to Nagasaki - And back again to here) - Many Japanese is discovered - With top-up eye - And high-brow expression. - “Where are you going, Japanese persons?” - Enquire sea-rooster perching on coop-deck, - “Where are you going with purse-sack - So full of nickels & dimes? - With Sunday go-meeting clothes on - And such satisfied neckties?” - “Oh!” - Respond Japanese in unison - And make giggly mirth. - “Ask us to know!” - They are smiling through ears with Sherlock Holmes expression. - - Hark it! - What was that whistling motion of noise? - Was it sea-wind of Pacific? - Was it typhoon of nature? - Or was it Japanese practising together - Tunes from “Mikado” - Of Hons. Gilbert & Sullivan? - - Teeth and nose of these ship, - Nippon Maru and America Maru, - Is pointed to Westward. - Japan is still somewhere in that direction - And numerous Japanese is on board this transportation. - Why - Is such quantities of them - On the passenger-table? - Has Japanese immigration - Gone burst - In California? - Has Rev. Mr. Emperor of Japan - Called Reserves back - For some more handsome defeat of Russia? - Or what? - (Expression of kittenish foxes is indulged in - By all Japanese Boys on this ship.) - - “Hon. Nippon Maru - And Hon. America Maru,” - Wirelessly telegraf Hon. Uncle Sam from shore, - “Where are you going - Away from here - With such heavy ballast of Japanese?” - “Respectable Uncle,” - Reply them ships, - “We are taking all Japanese - Off of California. - They will go Japan, - They will go Satsuma, - They will settle themselves on Corea - And less disgusting parts of China.” - - Pretty soonly - All will be depart from California. - Then who - To general housework, table-wait, manufacture salomon in cannery, - fruit-pick, employment bureau and other useful exersises for good - of populus? - Pretty soonly all America will calamity together, - “Where is them dear Japanese - Went to?” - And Dai Nippon with far-gone wheeze will distant reply, - “Away from here; - Away from brick-bat - And other educational features. - Japanese has came to America - To learn things. - They has learned them and went.” - - On Nippon Maru - And America Maru - (Similar vapour-boats determined to go to Nagasaki - And back again to here), - These imaginery things I speak-so - Perhapsly occur— - Perhapsly not. - -In a soon letter of the future I wish to tell you how about one new -party of politicks which the Japanese Thinking Society (of which I am -a membership) is preparing to begin. This new Party of Politicks, I am -hopeful to believe, is more better than Republican and Democratic parties -of present. Anyhow, it is not any worser. - -All well here with exception of J. Furo who is dead. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - -S. P.—Tell me to know this: Of what State is Hon. Leslie M. Shaw the -favourite son of? H. T. - - - - -VII - -HON. SIMPLE LIFE AMONG AMBASSADORS - - - SAN FRANCISCO, February 10th, - - _To Editor New York Newspaper which tells all Truth for - second-class postage._ - -DEAR MR.—I ask to know. Would it be a possibility for one bright Japanese -Boy to get a good salary position of Ambassador to Berlin or some other -seaport? My cousin Nogi tell me that Dr. Dave Hill do not care for such a -job because wages is too tiny. - -“How much is them wages?” I inquire for nervous feeling. - -“Sum of $17,500 of annual pay,” mortify this Nogi. - -“Japanese Boy would accept this patiently,” I collapse with voice. - -“He might got it, but could he?” dictate Nogi, who understands -horse-racing & problembs. - -I am beswitched. - -“You would appear a very cheap diplomat with such a salary,” say Nogi. -“Hon. Charleymain Tower, Ambassador from O-hio, spend more annual cash -than this for champagne which is necessary in Berlin for kings, dukes, -princes, etc., which is accustomed to expect it from American Ambassadors -when going through that town. That Hon. Tower are a great spend.” - -“Poverty are no disgrace,” I signify with W. J. Bryan expression. - -“For Methodist Ministers it are no disgrace,” say Nogi. “But for Foreign -Ministers it are considered a crime.” - -“I am confused by this,” I depress. - -“Imagine that you was Hon. American Ambassador to Berlin,” deploy Nogi. - -I do so with ease. - -“And imagine I was Hon. Emperor of Germany.” - -I do so with difficulty. - -“You go to them Germany with $17,500 annual wages which you draw in -advance. You look around street for some nice palace where U. S. flag can -be represented with dignity. You find such a palace, pretty soonly, over -general feed store for rent-sum of $20 per monthly. For sum of $5 you can -hire Mrs. Nusbaum in up-floor flat to take down clothes-line so that Hon. -U. S. flag can be flew on Monday afternoon. Then you spend $17,000 for -champagne and set down on back porch where flies are scarce.” - -“Do something happen pretty suddenly?” I ask to know. - -“Quite promptly I come along in one golden-coloured automobile, -accompanied by Signal Corps, Fire Department, Royal Mounted Mustache -Guard, and Second Artillery Band——” - -“Who are you, please?” is next question for Japanese Schoolboy. - -“I am Hon. Emperor of Germany calling to make a diplomatick relationship -with Hon. American Ambassador. I call in them quiet way I mention because -I know that Hon. Poverty of American Ambassador would get embarrassed by -kingly pompus. I stop royal automobile in front of Nusbaum’s Feed Store. - -“‘Are Hon. American Ambassador at home for diplomatick relationship?’ -Hon. Emperor holler-up to second story. - -“‘He are out back splitting kindling,’ decry Hon. Mrs. Nusbaum. ‘But I -will told him that Your Majesty have arrive—wait, please!’ - -“So she run & whistle down speaking-tube: - -“‘Hello! Come up if convenient, Mr. Ambassador. Hon. Emperor are here to -see you.’ - -“So Hon. American Ambassador, with arms full of kindling wood, make -sneakstep to kitchen, where he wash hands in sink, then haste to parlour. -There he find Hon. Emperor of Germany setting on sofa and looking cross -because he have stumbled over baby-buggy in the hall. - -“‘Good morning, Mr. Emperor,’ say Hon. Ambassador. ‘Will you have -something to drink?’ - -“‘No,’ say he. ‘But I will take a cigar.’ - -“‘I have not got no cigars, Hon. Majesty,’ he say. ‘But I have some -delicious chew-tobacco of considerable long cut.’ - -“Hon. Emperor of Germany, who are a awful polite king, eat some of that -tobacco and make faces of enjoyment. Soonly he accept drink of champagne -what Mrs. Nusbaum give him in tin cup; then he prepare to take his depart -with willing smiles. - -“‘Mr. Ambassador,’ he decry, ‘what kind of Embassy do you call this what -you got here?’ - -“‘This,’ say Hon. Ambassador, ‘are what are called “Jeffersonian -Simplicity.”’ - -“‘Are you fond of this kind of simplicity?’ Hon. Emperor inquire to know. - -“‘No,’ say-he, ‘but Hon. Jefferson was.’ - -“‘Hon. Jefferson should try being an Ambassador to Germany if he like it -so well,’ say Hon. Emperor, giving royal automobile one complete honk.” - - * * * * * - -Mr. Editor, question before Congress is this: Can American Republick, at -stingy expense, teach Kings, Princes, etc., to expect less spendthrifty -display whenever they goes to see American Ambassadors? Maybe so it are -possible. Maybe Emperors, when they gets tired of ruling, will become -accustomed to saying, “Let’s go over to Charley Tower’s flat and listen -to Caruso on the phonograph.” Maybe-so it will soon become a common sight -in Berlin to see the Hon. Emperor buying 15c package of Frankfurters for -luncheon with Hon. American Ambassador. Maybe—but Japanese Schoolboy are -doubtful because he come from a kingdom where habits of Emperors is often -observed. And I never seen no kings acting that way. - -[Illustration: “‘Good morning, Mr. Emperor,’ say Hon. Ambassador”] - -Trouble with these U. S., Mr. Editor, is that they is not so awful -Progressive like they imagines they are. It is a very nice thing to be -noisy, but a shoot-cannon must have something besides powder in it to do -considerable damage. America man work pretty swift when let alone; but if -he wait for act of Congress he had more better wait for act of God and -the Russian Douma. There are just one body of mans in the entire world -slower than Hon. Russian Douma, and that are Hon. American Congress. - -It take one of them degraded and outworn monarchies of the Old World -eighteen months to stick together a first-class war-boat of very -excellent trimmings. It take these swift U. S. six years to nail -together such a fighter-ship, and after them six years is past American -Congress awakes and finds that it doesn’t need no navy nohow. - -Hon. Congressman Captain Richard Peachy Hobson arise recently for debate -and do considerable gun-fire with eyes. - -“By all them sun-kissed hills of native land,” he say with energy, “let -us defend it. Japan are a menace. So are China, Sweden, and the Malay -Archipelago. If all them dangerous nationalities combined to do us dirt -how would they go at it? By fleets? In one week 17,000,000,000 yen -would flow into coffers of very yellow peril. In two weeks 78 extreme -_Dreadnothings_ would intend to go San Francisco for warfare. In three -weeks Japan would be camping in Waldorf-Astoria and Sweden would accept -Milwaukee as spoil of war. Therefore I arise up to propose it. I propose -it that Hon. Sharp Williams instruct the Democratic minority to build 12 -_Dreadnothing_ battleships weekly until election is over.” - -(Loud groans from Jo-uncle Cannon.) - -Uprise then Hon. Burton. “Mr. Speech,” he-say it, “I uprise to -second them bill of Hon. Cap. Congressman Hobson; but with some -slight amendments to make it look natural. I propose that them 12 -_Dreadnothings_ be reduced to 1 gunboat to be built by Union Iron Works -in 1926, in case there ain’t no war before then.” - -“But how to defend Hon. America without no ships?” demand Hon. Hobson -with voice. - -“We are not afraid of all-world Powers,” declaim Hon. Burton. “If Japan, -England, Ireland, and Spain come to our shores with latest pattern -explosives, then the indomitable spirit of American people shall defend -us!” - -(Loud applause from Congress which continue ahead with campaign program.) - -Such is fate of Hon. Hobson’s hobby. It is certain that Hon. Congress are -not afraid of no foreign navy. Hon. Congress is not afraid of nothing -when it do not cost them nothing to do so. - - * * * * * - -It are collapsible sentiment of all intelligent Japanese, Mr. Editor, -that Hon. Congress will eventually, or later, build very magnificent -Embassies (on model of Pennsylvania State Capitol) in Berlin, Paris, -London, Tokyo, Pekin, and wherever it is required by kings and -fashionable persons residing there. But before them buildings is done -some Bills must be made, revised, torn up and referred to wastebasket in -following committees: - - 1—Committee on Architecture. - - 2—Committee on Plumbing. - - 3—Committee on Window Curtains. - - 4—Committee on Foreign Relations. - - 5—Committee on Gas and Water. - -By the time them bills is passed America will no longer be sneezed at as -a Young Nation. And in the mean while Hon. Ambassadors from these U.S. -must be subsidized by some Trust or else ride in trolley cars between -Hon. Embassy and Hon. German Court. - -Little Annie Anazuma, 8-year-age daughter of I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, -make following Mother Geese about it: - - “The Star Spangley Banner - O long may she soar - O’er the National Arms - On a grocery store!” - -Arthur Kickahajama ask for enquiry yesterday time: - -“Are this Dr. Dave Hill a diplomat?” - -“To look like an Ambassador to Germany on a salary of $17,500 a year he -have _got_ to be pretty much of a diplomat,” I answer for reply. - -With gun-salutes to Hon. Hobson. - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - -VIII - -A THIRD TERM FOR OUR EMPEROR - - - SAN FRANCISCO, February 23rd. - - _To postoffice of New York Newspaper to be found there by - Editor._ - -DEAR SIR: I will not vote for President this time, thank you, because -your Emperor, Mr. Roosevelt, will not run to get it. Therefore I am -neglectful about all other Candidates. - -Little Annie Anazuma, eight-years-age, daughter of I. Anazuma, Japanese -barber, come to me with childish inquisitive. - -“Tell me one truth, Uncle Togo,” she deploy. “Is it possible to think -that Japanese Boy will some day be President of this respectable kingdom?” - -“Hardy so—and yet maybe,” I addict with deceptive expression. - -“So happy to think!” negotiate this infant enthusiasm, with fond smiling. -“Then how must he go to it to become such a President?” - -“He must firstly obtain consent of Hon. Roosevelt, who probably would not -give it,” I dictate because I am aware it might be so. - -“Are it customary for Presidents to select with voice name of some -gentleman what would be less disgusting to him for next King of America?” -require this Infant Prodigal, who are too ingrown of brain for enjoy mere -doll-play. - -“Ah, sure yes!” I explode. “If gentleman what have been in White House 4 -years do not know a good President when he see him, who would?” - -“When inexperienced gentleman are called by White House to take job he -must enjoy great agony trying to study Constitution, boat-building, -Tuskagee, & other racing problembs necessary to encumbrance of office,” -she say-it. - -“That are still customary,” I report. - -“Who commence to originate this merciful custom?” demand little Annie. - -“Because you are childish I make education for you. Pres. Roosevelt done -it.” - -“So happy to know!” digest this Japanese child. “He is great Emperor of -America—therefore he will last forever.” - -“So sorry to reply,” I disgust. “Hon. Pres. Roosevelt will soon stop -doing it.” - -“Tell me to know, Uncle Togo,” examine this difficult infant. “Is not -Emperors made to last considerable length?” - -“In responsible kingdoms, yes-so—but in America, no-so. Here Kings is -elected for 4 years to discouridge them.” - -“These white-coloured foreigners is too hard answers for children to -know,” say little Annie Anazuma running away for play-doll amusement. - -I say these lectures to Little Annie with great pleasure to be telling -something to somebody what believes it. But then come brain-thoughts -which bring enjoyment of fierce pangs. What to do with America when -Emperor Roosevelt has took himself from it? I enquire for answer. - -I beg you to do it as request, Mr. Editor. Please have your printer put -some words on editorial page asking Hon. Roosevelt to continue once more -term as Emperor of this Republic. I enclose cash of 50c. to pay for your -expense of writing, etc. Thank you so many! - - * * * * * - -Honest to truth, I am aggregated with anger to have Mr. Emperor Roosevelt -dictate, “No thank you, not for three-times running!” Why so does he stop -being King just at instant when all-national people is enjoying that -American performance? It will be sad for my heart to see some private -person occupying public career of Hon. Roosevelt when he gets through -sitting on it. - -What decry Julius Cæsar about being elected too much for Republican -party of Rome? “One good term deserves another,” he command, and Mr. -Brutus was pleased to be there with stabbing-knife. But this is different -subject from what about it. - - * * * * * - -Now it is historical knowledge that Pres. Roosevelt is ignorant about -fear. What does frighten him, then, about this Third Term business -affair? Because Hon. Geo. Washington said not do it? So ridicule for -great man to think! Hon. Roosevelt is not afraid of Hon. Washington. -Then go ahead, Mr. Roosevelt, please! Continue terming for several more -administrations. - -Whenever I think of some private gentleman being public President of U. -S. I spill tear-drop from sadness. Mere human person like Hon. Taft is -large enough to entirely fill throne with himself but he can not fill it -with that marvellous activity of Roosevelt. - - * * * * * - -Hon. Jenny Bryan, so I read by news-prints, has went out for duck-shoot -and also hoping to slew some bears. This show how sadly he long for -President. But nothing to do! Mr. Jenny is too quiet Democrat for -election. He must murder something or make elopement with somebody’s -grandmother to get photo in newspaper any more. Then American persons -will remember he is alive and nominate him for another defeat. - -In what administration was Hon. Bryan President of these Uniteds State? -I ask these ignorant question because Hon. Bryan happened before I -arrived here. - -Time is passed, Mr. Editor, for American gentleman to be President by -merely being so. Prince Albert cutaway and sky-scrape eye-brow with -patriotic noise from stump are decomposed from modern politics, thank -you. Successful candidate for America must not only stand on stump for -speech—he must use stump for downside-up gymnasticks employing heels for -passionate gestures. If candidate can not do nothing else he must be -owner of Trust or some other respectable business. - -Whenever I have look-at some American gentleman behaviour strange and -queer in publick, then I enjoy suspicion, “That person is expecting for -nomination to President!” - -Because this. When gentleman require to be notice by Delegates of -Convention he must perform something queer in publicity. Sometime he -take too much cocktail, sometime too much buttermilk—drink depending on -religious training. Then all newspapers go to his doorway and ask for -photo, childhood and name of party by which he prefers to be runned. -Pretty soonly this candidate is celebrated name in all mouths. After this -he may be elected, which is too difficult to think about, thank you! - -By last week I seen Yoni Sadekachi, wealthy and influential Japanese -greenhouse, enjoying phenomenal cataclyptic spasm of fits on street -corner. Large crowd was present including three American reporters. Next -morning following headline in all American newspaper: - - JAPANESE SPASM OF FITS!!! - - HON. YONI SADEKACHI ENJOYS ONE AND - GAINS LARGE MERIT OF JAPANESE - VOTERS PRESENT. - WILL HE BE NOMINATION FOR PRESIDENT? - WE ASK TO KNOW - -Pretty soonly news-children scream announcement all over this America. -Political man see this and report. “Yes, please, this Hon. Yoni will -make very happy candidate for Republican party with fusion of Japanese -Socialists. It will be pleasant to mention him if everything else fails.” - -This is to show, Mr. Editor, how dangerous it is to encourage talented -Japanese in this kingdom. - -One Japanese poem, please, for your printer to practise on: - - -_SILENCE OF NEXT ADMINISTRATION_ - - Last night I dream this when heliotrope of despair breathe to - lily-flower, - When moonlight is there - And crane-bird stand with bill under its elbow: - One Angel arrive to my bedstead. - “Good morning,” I report, “what is your name?” - “How do you do,” she say. “My name is Silence.” - “Hon. Silence,” I exclaim, “how did you get into this country?” - “I got in,” she exclaim, “when Hon. Roosevelt got out.” - “Is Hon. Roosevelt got out?” I support. - “O yes,” say Angel, “can not you hear the sound of Silence all over - land? - Silence in Congress, in Nursery, in Pulpit, in Wall Street? - Can not you hear it? - You are blind in ears if not!” - “O yes,” I retort, “I hear it, Mr. Angel; - But it is not Perfect Silence.” - “No, not Perfect Silence— - But it is silent enough to be noticed. - Almost Anything - Sounds like Silence - By comparison - Of Hon. Roosevelt. - - “Therefore sweet sleep, - Pull down blinds, - Blow out gas— - Good night!” - - So speak Angel when heliotrope of despair droop to lily-flower, - When moonlight is there - And crane-bird stand with bill under its elbow. - -Therefore, Mr. Editor, I leave it to you. Silence is not best sweetest -quality for energetic kingdom like this. Please fix Hon. Roosevelt to -stay on chair for remainder of generation. For if he is removed panick -of loneliness will assassinate Japanese Boy. - -Hoping you will fix it by me, - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - -S. P.—I have obtained legitimate job of table-waiting at Fujiyama -Restaurant where my mail will get to. H. Sunigawa, Prop., is one very -patriotic gentleman who works as Japanese Spy when not employed. - - H. T. - - - - -IX - -HON. MODESTY: IS IT A DISEASE? - - - SAN FRANCISCO, March 14th. - - _To Editor New York Newspaper who is considerable careless - about answer to letters of poor Japanese Schoolboy, excuse him - for more of._ - -DEAR SIR—Sometime when Hon. Rudyard Kipling write, he begin each paragraf -with nice piece of poem. Therefore I must do it like him. Excuse -following: - - -_THE SONG OF OUCH_ - - In Tunk by the Tower of Tom - In the Land of the Living Joke - Lived a race of Sadds who were modest lads - And blushed when their names was spoke - - They shrieked at the thought of Fame - And shaked like the infant pine, - While they turned all white when they seen the sight - Of an Advertising Sign. - - So they lived in the fear of Boast - In the Age that Has Went Behind: - But if any of They still remain to-day - They is certainly Hard to find! - -Hon. Mrs. Lusy Macdonald to whom I am now a greenhouse employed by her -geraniums at 10c each to relieve them of what bugs they got is very -nice-hearted. Her husband is a dead gentleman who took decease by asthma -in joints. So she approached to me yesterday with customary tear-drop & 1 -pair pants to say: - -“These property of past Macdonald I am give to you because they wake -bitter memories & are wore out around knees.” Slight sobs from her. - -I observe them hon. pants which is very tall garments of dissipated -appearance. - -“O thank you so many, Hon. Mrs. Madam!” I report with salvo. “I shall -took them home & rehearse wearing them.” I back off for respect and get -away with them hon. pants. - -At Patriots of Japan Boarding & Lodging, where I hope to move from before -payment is necessary, I lock myself away with them garment, and try to -make it fit. So sorry can’t do! When I clasp it with dignified safety-pin -at waist each leg is too far beyond my foots—it give me reverent -appearance of kneeling. I try to deceive them pants to look briefer by -rolling them upwards. Also I coax them at stummick by fastening belt -around shoulders. By this way I am entirely inside of that tailorship -which is too plenty. - -[Illustration: “‘Would they fit me perhaps?’ I ask for vanity”] - -Then suddenly Cousin Nogi make in-come to my room, because he is a -relative and can do so without knocking. He look quite gast at me. - -“You are clothed entirely,” he signify with smart expression. - -“Would they fit me perhaps?” I ask for vanity. - -“Maybe so they might,” dictate Nogi, “but they are too loose around neck.” - -“What to do with such gifts from lady?” I inquire for reply. - -“To wear it next to heart,” contuse Nogi with smiling. “If you wear it -on publick streetfare crowd will collect to indicate that you are one -very famous Japanese. Persons will proclaim: ‘There go them Hon. Pants!’ -Maybe you will be escort by police wherever went. It is so easy to become -famous.” - -“No can do, please!” I prefer. - -“No to?” stagger Nogi for disappoint. - -“Ah, no!” I relapse. “I should not desire to become famous for pants. -Hon. Modesty is a Japanese characteristick.” - -“Hon. Modesty is a disease,” corrode that Nogi with scornful snip; so he -tell following myth of antique Japan which is a very favourite stories of -Grandmothers to illustrate the Hon. Modesty. - - * * * * * - -In some way-back period of B. C. there reside at Kioto one Emperor by -name of Motomatsu who was awful modest about it. When spoke of as Famous -he became a very ill person. He was shy about publick banzai. When he -depart out from Hon. Palace for auto-ride all loyal subjecks was lined -up by pave to decry: “Banzai! Banzai! Such nice Emperor Motomatsu!” They -then kneel upon their faces to signify it. But Hon. Motomatsu enjoy angry -rage for such publick demonstrictions and decry: “So conspickerous!” -while he kick loyal subjecks on skull. Because he was shy. - -Pretty soonly he make sneek out of Palace by back door to avoid them -noyful mob of shoutings. But one Grocery Boy seen him and observe to -inquire: “Why do Kings go out by back doors when should not?” “Hush it!” -say Motomatsu. “I am doing it so as not to be too famous.” So when he -make pass-on them Grocery Boy go to all populus of Japan and decry: “Hon. -Emperor is departing by back door!” Then 1,000,000 of them loyal subjecks -assemblance to trademan entrance of Palace & peek to see—and sure of! -Hon. Emperor again is saw making sneek-in to Palace. “Permit us to hail!” -say peasantry, but Hon. Emperor relapse with peev: “Go hail somewheres -else!” And he throw brick-bat to them. - -So them Hon. Emperor get worse modest all time. Pretty soonly he borrow -rag-clothing from beggerly man and wander forth in them disguise. But -Hon. Populus, when they seen him, decry: “O look-see what has arrive! Our -dear Emperor are ragged out to be a beggerly man! Is he not conspickerous -in such a clothing? Ah, yes!” And they surround him with a program of -dances, including exhibitions of jiu jitsu, resolutions of respeck, -geisha waltz, speek, fireworks & baloon-races. Pretty soonly Carnegie -Commission approach with brass medal of reward. “For what?” say Hon. -Emperor. “For extreme shyness in action,” say Hon. Commission. By this -Hon. Motomatsu is very disgust, so he cut off them Commission at neck, -then he chop 1,000 loyal subjecks with ax and go back Palace. - -But when them loyal subjecks pick up their heads what was chopped they -say: “Sure is! Mr. Emperor must be modest about publick appearance. Quite -well! Then we will cease hailing him, if he is so disagree.” - -Next day when Hon. Emperor go off for walk, what! Such vacancy of street! -He is queer to feel. He go back Palace with lonesome smile. “Maybe I am -dress too silently to be seen,” he-say. So he put on uniform of Field -Marshall & walk outside again. Nothing to do. Even little sparrow-birds -is absent with banzais. “O mania! Have I quit being famous?” subtract -that Motomatsu, losing some flesh for griefs. So by soon-time he make -début to street in drum-major uniform recruited by very large brass band. -But Hon. Publick is home reminding their own business. This are too much -worry for Hon. Emperor who go bed & is attended by appendicitis. Pretty -soonly he enjoy death and got a tomb near Kioto. In front of it are -following inscription: - - “Motomatsu have got his bones here. - He were a Good Advertiser; - But he Worked it too Hard.” - -Mr. Editor, Hon. Modesty were a disease very common among Great Mens in -antique Japan. In these here day modern insanitary methods of brushing -off microbes have got rid of such shy germs pretty good. Yet Great Mens -is still in some tiny danger of being bit by it. At White Palace of -Washington Dr. Rickey must be in constant attendance with microscope to -watch for it. Each President Message must be very careful fumigated—and -on some days this are pretty much of a job, thank you. - -By each morning-time Hon. President must have corner of eye-glasses, -mustache & tooths examined for fearful that some Wyoming constituent -might maybe brought in bashful germs that will get into Hon. Policies & -spoil everything. - -This Surgeon-Gen. Rickey must be a very worried person. Suppose he go -cod-fishing some Sunday off & become carelus about them hon. microbes? -Ah, fatal! Next morning he go to White Cabinet & discover Hon. President -enjoying high temperature of terrible blushes. - -“Sec. Loeb,” he are saying, “please turn to Nineteenth Interstate -Proclamation, page 1102B, and attack it with blue pencil.” - -“Quite good, Mr. Sire,” say them Hon. Loeb. “What to do with them words?” - -“Scratch out all pronouns spelled with an ‘I’ and supply ‘American -People’ for it,” say Hon. President. - -“Will do,” say Hon. Sec. with nervous glance. - -“Next substitute considerable changes. Change ‘My Policies’ to ‘Mr. -Bryan’s Policies,’ change ‘My Navy’ to ‘Admiral Brownson’s Navy,’ -change——” - -Dr. Rickey stand at corner of room with horrors springing at knees. “It -are my carelus fault—some scarce disease have got in through window!” he -whisper to guilty self. - -“Next turn attention to library of books,” say that Presidential Invalid. -“Change ‘My Works’ to ‘Works of Divine Providence.’ Every time ‘Grizzly -Bear’ are mention change it to ‘Grey Squirrel,’ change ‘Must Not’ to -‘Please Don’t,’ change——” - -“Stop it, Mr. Sire!” say them Physician with alarms; “if you continue it -thus you will have ‘Malefactors’ changed to ‘Benefactors’!” - -So White House Hospital Corps are ringed for and Hon. President took by -forceful quarantine to Federal Hospital where one porous plaster are put -on his Ego to draw it out. While enjoying relapse there he occupy cot -formerly layed in by Hons. Albert Beverage, Ben Tillman & other Egos -enjoying the same shy germ. - - * * * * * - -What would become of Hon. Literature, Mr. Editor, if them Literaries was -nibbled by Hon. Modesty? What would become of Publishing Business if Hon. -Mrs. Eleanor McGlynty, after wroting one book of title, “Three Months,” -should spend that period of time blushing over what ensue in it? What -would happen to Hon. Jack of London or Hon. Thomas of Boston if they -forgot to tell Hon. World how remarkably much they are? Would Hon. World -remember their praises if _they_ didn’t? I ask to know. - -What would ensue if Hon. Bernard Shaw should took the habit of shrinkage? -Might he know how to stop before he had entirely shrunk away until -he was very little more than size of Homer, Shakespeare & any other -insignificate super-gentleman? I require no answer. - -Mr. Editor, if I had died in old-fashion generation of water-power -reputation I would have got on my tombstone: - - Here Lies Togo, - He was a good man. - -But as I live in age of gas-power greatness, I must have on my door-plate: - - Here Lives Togo. - He is a great man. - If you don’t believe it, - Step in and he will - Tell you so. - -With love to your printer, - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - -X - -SPRING - - - SAN FRANCISCO, April 1st. - - _To Editor of New York newspaper which rains supreme for - intelligence of editorial tipewriting._ - -DEAR SIR O! Spring have came! - -Where did it arrive from? is question for Japanese Boy. - -Do it arrive from Palm Beach of sunny climb, song-sing of -nightinglory-bird, hypnotism of tropick mooners where poets is whacking -musical liars in the middle of such nice weather? Do it arrive from ore -the sea blew along by Rory Bory Alice & other mythology ladies of awfully -gauze dressing which travel by zephyr to drop don’t-forget-me bud & other -garden seeds on top of happy farmer? Ah no! it do not. - -Where _do_ this Spring arrive from then, if not? - -By newspaper print I read how it arrive from Paris, thank you! - -Flower of Spring do not come to America by them poetical way I said. They -are first noticed in New York by Hon. Custom Inspector who give American -eye-wink when he see such many trunks of French extraction. He notice -they are label “Handle by Care,” so he open them carefully with an axe. -From each divided trunk come explosion of rare beaty. Violet-colour -roses, rose-colour violets, blue-colour carnations, off-colour daisies, -lilies-of-valley in red, white, & blue and sunflowers of 27 delicious -varieties of sunset. That sad interior of Custom House, so oftenly -accustomed to shady gloom of dark & dingley Tariff, grow suddenly to -joyful fire-alarm by them race-riot of colour. All employees of them -Custom House forget murdering thought of their cruel hearts and is -instantly gentle by sight of such bouquets. They forget to do their duty -on sliding scale. Their eyes is overdone for tear drop with sweetheart -thought of childhood. Numberous sighs is enjoyed while looking to them -flowers, all hats is removed and for one noment of time that Custom House -forget to think of Eternal Revenue on cigars, the patness of Jo-uncle -Cannon and welcome to America by the Uncivil Service. Such is influence -of Nature on savage persons. - -Then come Easter and I am not responsible for what happen. Hon. Solomon, -who was legally accustomed to 100 wifes, was very suspicious about Spring -when it come along from Paris, so he say with voice for all future layers -of Husbands, “Consider the lilies how they cost!” When one Christian -lady begin to consider the lilies in shop window it is important -for Christian Husband to consider something else with absent-minded -expression. - - * * * * * - -In Spring young American mind naturally turn to sport of baseballing. -Japanese Boy have found out how-do to get there to place where them -National Sport is done. Walk some distance to suburbs of trolley when, -all of a suddenly, you will notice a sound. It is a very congregational -lynch-law sound of numberous voices doing it all at once. Silence -punctuates this. Then more of. - -“Why all this yall about, unless of mania?” I require to know from Hon. -Police. - -“San Francisco is in it and Oakland is outside of it,” say Hon. Police -with moustache. “San Francisco have made bat-hit and three gentlemans -have arrive home.” - -“So happy to welcome travellers!” I decry. “Have them gentlemans been -long absent for such publick banzai?” - -“All over bean-farm,” say Hon. Police. “They was all on bags,” he say, -“and two mans had died on first basso——” - -“I shall enjoy mourning for them heroes,” I retort. - -“—then Hon. Murphy acquire one base by high finance.” - -[Illustration: “‘Why all this yall about, unless of mania?’ I require to -know from Hon. Police”] - -“How-so he possess this base?” is next question for me. - -“He steal it,” say Hon. Police with cigar. - -I admire talents of that Hon. Murphy who can steal things while all -publick make shout of applaud. With practice he would become very -delicious Senator. - -More loud yall of shouts is heard. I am an enthusiasm. What fierce -harakiri of patriotism was going on to make them Americans so loud? Such -sound of hates! Port Arthur was took with less noise than that. Therefore -I must see about it. - -I go to fence where ticket-hole demand 50c of price to see it. - -“Why must Japanese Boy pay such price?” I renig. - -“Because-so,” say Ticketer, “Baseballing is National Sport. Therefore -each patriot must pay them 50c for Campaign Fund to Hon. Cortelyou.” - -I admit myself to gate. - -In seats around gallery all-American persons is settled in state of very -hoarse condition. Downstairs on ground is 10 to 11 Baseballers engaged in -doing so. I am scientifick about this Game which is finished by following -rules: - -One strong-arm gentleman called a Pitch is hired to throw. Another -gentleman called a Stop is responsible for whatever that Hon. Pitch -throw to him, so he protect himself from wounding by sofa-pillows which -he wear on hands. Another gentleman called a Striker stand in front to -that Stop and hold up club to fright off that Hon. Pitch from angry -rage of throwing things. But it is useless. Hon. Pitch in hand hold -one baseball of an unripe condition of hardness. He raise that arm -lofty—then twist—O sudden! He shoot them bullet-ball straight to breast -of Hon. Stop. Hon. Striker swing club for vain effort. It is a miss & -them deathly ball shoot Hon. Stop in gloves. “Struck once!” decry Hon. -Umperor, a person which is there to gossip about it in loud voice. - -“Why do Hon. Umperor demand Hon. Striker to struck when he have already -did so?” I demand to know from one large German intelligence what set -next by me. - -“He is fanning himself outside,” make that courteous foreigner for reply, -so I prefer to understand. - -Once more-time that Hon. Pitch prepare to enjoy some deathly agony. He -hold that ball outside of twisted forearm, turn ½ beside himself, throw -elbows away, give whirling salute of head, caress ankle with calf of -leg, then up-air—quickly shoot! Ball journey to Hon. Stop with whizz, -but before arriving there Hon. Striker see it with club. There is -considerable knock-sound as club collide to ball which stops continuing -in that direction and bounds uply to air. Great excitement for all -America! All spectacles in grand-stand decry, “O make sliding, Hon. Sir!” -and many voices is seriously spoiled as Hon. Striker run with rapid heels -from each base to next & all other Baseballers present endeavour to pull -down that ball which is still in very high sky. But soonly that ball -return down and is bounded into hands of second basso sportsman who shoot -it to Hon. Stop just as Hon. Striker is sliding to fourth base by the -seat of his stummick. - -“Out!” decry Hon. Umperor, so Hon. Striker go set himself on back bench, -which is deserving place for all heroes. - -So many Strikers is brought up to do them clubbing acts during game that -it become a monotony to Japanese Boy in a very soon time. But not-so it -was to Americans who was fuller of Indiana yalls. Occasionally that large -German intelligence what set next to me would say with voice, “Kill that -Umperor!” - -“Why should Hon. Umperor be executed?” I require for answer. - -“I am not sure why-is,” extort that German. “But it is courteous to -demand his death occasionally.” - -“Is this Umperor such a sinful citizen?” I make note; but that Hon. -German did not response because he was drownding his voice from one -bottle of pop-soda for value of 5c. - -I wait for very large hour to see death of this Hon. Umperor, but it did -not occur as I seen. Too bad! I had very good seat to see from. - -Baseballing is healthy game for Americans. It permits them to enjoy -sunstroke in middle of patriotick sounds, it teach them a entirely -courageous vocabulary and put 10,000,000,000,000 peanuts in circulation -by each annual year. Japan must learn to do it. If all Japanese wishing -to become heroes should go set in bleachers each afternoon-time it might -change them from Yellow Peril to yelling section in short generation. - -But warfare is a more agreeable way. - -Spring was discovered by Japanese several years before zero. Antique -Japanese noblemans, when they seen sweet Irish-flowers blooming and -acting fresh was suspicious that maybe it was sign of Spring, but they -did not say-so nothing about it, because laws was very just in them date. -Hon. Bashu, celebrated for Japanese poetry, say: - - “O Spring, Spring, - Thou art such gentle thing!” - -Hon. Japanese Emperor read this songsing and call Hon. Bashu to -court-house and give him one chop-off by axe. “You are too original for -to live,” he say by remark. - -Hon. Onion Jo, Japanese ranch-boy of Contra Costa County, recently enjoy -one railway accident. His 2 feetprints has been missing since then. So -you will please forgive following Japanese sonnet he send me because he -is a very weak patience in hospital: - - -_CONVERSATION TALKED BY ONION JO WITH ONE FOOLISH-BIRD ON SPRINGTIME -TWIGS_ - - Told me in song-sing, tree-bird of April Foolish, - Why do America Fleet - Travel so low-down in water-tight Ocean? - Why-so - Is all symptoms of armour-belt missing - And why such cargo of weight? - “Twit! Twit!” - Response them animal in voice of Commander Sims, - “Them Pacific Fleet travel deep-down - For very good reason. - Admiral Reuterdahl is in command of it.” - After which remark them tree-bird make humoristick signals. - - Told me in music, tree-bird of green ideas, - “Why do Hon. Forker of Ohio - Feel so just about Negro-race? - Are he Senator from Brownsville - That he is dutifully obliged - To make them hurt sounds - When chocolate citizenship is insult?” - “Tut! Tut!” - Abjurgate them thoughtless Fowl, - “Hon. Forker have very scholarly brain-thoughts; - He remind himself of poetry by Mother Geese, - ‘Bah, bah, Black Vote, - Have you any pull?’ - Hon. Forker is such Dark Horse now - That he enjoy complete eclipse, thank you.” - And them peculiar Chicken make knocking noise with bill. - - Told me in harmony, raving Tom-sparrow, - Why did all patriotic persons - Make such elaborate hand-clasp - With red automobile - And other National emblems - When Hon. Eugene Schmitz - Broke jail? - What did he done in jail - To give him such cleanly reputation - In them few months? - “Cluck! Cluck!” - Modulate them demented species of Duck, - “It is surprisingly useless to deposit Hon. Grafters in jail. - Because for reason: - If a person is a great enough Grafter - To go jail, - Then he must be great enough Grafter - To get out. - San Francisco is excited about Local Talent.” - Thus saying it, them April Foolish Bird - Make a noise like Emma Goldman - And flatter away - In direction of Boise City, Idaho. - -Hoping you are sufficiently discouraged, - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - -S. P.—From daily print I see it how one tame sculptor of Utah have cut -out one famous statue called “Monument to Gulls.” This to be stood up in -Salt Lake City. Would not such a monument look more sentimental in Wall -Street? I require no answer. - - H. T. - - - - -XI - -EDUCATION IN AMERICAN LANGUAGE - - - SAN FRANCISCO, April 10th. - - _To Fashionable Creator of Newspaper Talk._ - -DEAR MR.—When first time your printer put-in my letter I am so happy -I feel very discouraged to write more. “Banzai! I shall make literary -career of myself!” This shout from me. Literary writing must be good job -for all Americans not fit for honest work. I am understood to be told -that Hon. Jack London receive for price from 15c to 20c for each word he -make. This is so very easy way it appear deceptive. How should I prosper -in such a Graft! At 20c for each word how happy for Japanese Boy! By -early morning I should go to fashionable American restaurant and require -of Waiter, “Hon. Sir., deliver to me 1 plate ham & 2 eggs, please!” This -would be the number of 12 words @ 20c per word—therefore bringing me the -price $2.40! Breakfast might cost 75c, Waiter might require 25c to tip -himself, yet Waiter must still owe Japanese Boy $1.40, which is balance -of $2.40 for them 12 words I said. - -Immediately I became great Author in my brain-thoughts. I make running -stampede to publick Library and read “12th Night,” by Shakespeare of -England and “Friday the 13th” by Lawson of Boston, so as to learn both -ends of the American language. I learn considerable extinct vocabulary -from both of these gentlemen, then I set down with ink-stand to write 1 -letter to you. - -It is not equal to human justice, Mr. Editor, that you send me $4.34 in -postage stamps as reply payment to this. What to do with these stamps? -217 2c postages require considerable correspondence to get away from. To -waste these postages I have wrote following correspondence: - - 1. To New York Newspaper already 10 letters which you know of. - - 2. To Uncle Hashimura of Kobe, 6 letters of painful truth. - - 3. To Miss Alice Furioki, pleasant lady of yellow extraction, - 13 letters on sweetheart subjects. - - 4. To Pres. Roosevelt, King Edward, F. Augustus Heintz & Eugene - Schmitz 48 total letters. - -These make all together 77 stamps used up. Therefore I have got remaining -in my pocket 140 stamps, many of which is ruined by wear. In next payment -for my literary letters would you be so regardless as to make reply -in nickel-pieces? These moneys is small, but very good for Japanese -education. Thanks so many! - -If I could get good job somewhere writing novel-books I would learn this -American language, which is hard thing to do because so full of words. -American gentlemen I have speaked to employ the 2 following kinds of -conversation: - - 1. Kind what is discovered in Dixionary book. - - 2. Kind what is not there. - -In Dixionary of Hon. Noah Webster there contain 26,000 language-words -to talk. It took this gentleman lifetime to do so. To speak American -language it is necessary to learn them 26,000 natural words, which I have -did, thank you. But it is useless to try so hard because Elsewhere-words -is commonly used for conversation. Where must Japanese Boy go to obtain -such talk? - -My cousin Nogi explain this answer. He say that Elsewhere-words -of American mans is called “Slank,” which means -“talking-with-words-that-is-found-here-and-there.” Dixionary talk is good -for church sociables, high-schools, and professors; Slank talk is good -for riots, prize-fighting, newspapers, colleges, and all kinds of energy. -Both are good ways to know. - -Frequently in walking about sidewalk I hear gentlemans cry, “24 for you!” -This is signal for great laugh which all do. I can not tell when to, so -I do not. What then is so humoristic about this number “24”? Would not -number 12 or number 14 do equally fine for laughing purposes? I require -to know. - -Lemons, too, is comic fruit for Slank-talking persons. Joking-gentlemans -deliver these lemon fruit to each other for holiday gift. It is insulting -not to laugh when this is done. - -To-day I speak to Hon. Mr. Strunsky, Irish gentleman, about Hon. W. J. -Bryan, late President of these Uniteds State. - -“Where has he fell to?” I require for answer. - -“This Bryan man is dead one,” report Hon. Strunsky. - -“So sorry—I shall wear mourning for this good man,” I reject. - -“Tall timber is place for you,” resume this Strunsky man with laughing -eye. - -“So sorry not to do,” I say back, “because forest is far distant from -great city.” - -“Then pursue self around this block, Hon. Togo,” he compel. I do so, -thank you. But while exercising I stop with abrupt brain-thought. Them -words of Mr. Strunsky was less Dixionary talk than Slank talk! Tell me, -Mr. Editor, how should I translate them conversation of Strunsky into -Japanese? - -It is disadvantage of American language that gentlemen cannot be -insulting to each other without some impoliteness. One gentleman meet -some other gentleman at saloon-corner. Making step-up to each other one -gentleman explain, - -“You are a pill!” - -Immediately following noises are enjoyed: - - 1. Night cry. - - 2. Broken property. - - 3. Approach of ambulance. - - 4. Silence. - -In Japan, among top-classes, trouble is enjoyed more peaceably. Suppose -Count Noku desire to have insult with Baron Obi. They shall meet at -lunch, thank you, to talk this. They first disgust their appetites with -tea, cigarettes, Japanese ginger-snaps, conversation. Finally at last -Count Noku say to Baron Obi, - -“Esteemed & high-horse Samurai, would you care to have insult for me?” - -“Magnificent Count,” say this Obi, “it is your exalted privilege to -insult me.” - -“Thank you for the benefit,” say this Noku, “I will do so.” And so saying -this he pull one hair from head of that Obi. - -“Ouch, thank you, I am insult!” retort Baron Obi. Following this there is -quiet hara-kiri with table-knife. - -At food-stand of Mr. Swartz I often lunch there for economy. Best -nourishment may be obtained for 5c by ordering 3 sausages from -Frankfurter Germany with slice of toast. - -Yesterday I go as customary to this. As customary I say, “Give me the -same, those 3 sausages from Frankfurter.” - -And Mr. Swartz, turning to cookeryman, cry with voice: - -“Hot-dog!” - -Therefore I must not eat them food because it is cannibalism. If Mr. -Swartz is not speaking Slank talk, then he should be sent to prison for -Pure Food Laws. - -You may see, Mr. Sir., how it is not safe to go around in this U. S. -without sufficient Slank words. Japanese schoolboys might be poisoned -by eating something which is Slank for something else. To example this -danger, my cousin Nogi say how Hon. Casey of Labouring Union is “a -lobster.” I am very fond to eat lobster, but I should disgust to eat this -Mr. Casey. - -I have been collecting them Elsewhere-words all day and have congregated -quite a cluster of Slank talk which I shall put into Dixionary for -Japanese Schoolboys. I am very excited when I think of this vocabulary. I -have arranged many of them raggle-time speeches into following poetical -thought which I was misfortune enough to sent with 2c postage to Miss -Alice Furioki, lady I tell you I was engaged to marry with: - - -_LOVING SENTIMENT EXPRESSED IN AMERICAN LANGUAGE_ - - How do I stand in relation to you, O Peach? - Is Japanese Boy A. no. 1 or twenty-third in line for your misbehaving - eyes? - Peek-a-boo, I am on the wink, - I am batty in thoughts, - Also insect-house, because my heart is mashed! - It would JAR you to know! - Do not give me the refusal on neck, - Do not see me with glass-eye. - Or present frost-mitten with cod-fish expression, - O exquisite one; O tootsy-woot, - O Pansy. - - Must I remain infinitely distant among waving of Tall Grass? - Or must I get more closer, more cozy-corner, - More next? - Can not this Japanese be candy-boy for you, - Sure-thing, bet-your-life, O joy? - To be Johnny-on-dot for you, - To pay steady car-fare (when possible) - This would be ticket for Girl Proposition. - Such a cheese! - - On the death, are you giving me some string, - Are you hot-airing me? - How about waiting at church? - Will it be yet, if not soon? - I require for answer - As p. d. q. as possible, O Fluffy Ruffles— - Otherwise - No wedding gong for Japanese Boy! - -These answer from that lovely Japanese come back by gallop response: - - DEAR SIR—Your poetry in Swedish language is here, thank you to - understand. I shall ask Hon. Mrs. Johannessenn to translate - this, if respectable. I am not awaiting some reply for this. - Yours thankfully, - - ALICE FURIOKI (Miss). - -Perhapsly, Mr. Editor, you had more better postpone my wedding with her. -Besides this she has recently married my cousin Nogi, which is very -selfish act. - -In Japan there is a quaint rhythm-song which is sang by all philosophers -and gentlemen engaged for marriage. It is like these in Japanese. - - Ichi-ho, pachi-ko, - Nagasaki run— - Sago-man, koko-man, - Bun, bun, bun! - -This words when translated to American say like these: “Going around -makes returning in circles, but continuing that may keep up.” This is -very wise poem—but what does it mean? In some way it are like American -Slank talk. - -All well here except J. Furo, who is not. - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - -XII - -THE VISIT OF THE FLEET TO SAN FRANCISCO - - - SAN FRANCISCO, May 6th. - - _To Editor New York newspaper who I occasionally trust & often - admire for quotation from Hon. Browning._ - -MR.—O!!! Patriotick banzai of hurrah! - -America Fleet of Roosevelt Excursionists have arrive to S. F. Ferry Depot. - -I would of send this by wire-telegraf, but Hon. Operator was inattentive -about me when I have no price sufficiently much to. He say: “Who-pay?” -I-say: “Hon. Editor.” “Hon. Editor may-be-so will,” he demure and resume -job of tick-tick. Good-by for me. - -Morning of fleet-arrive was splandid. By early hour of day all S. F. -persons has clustered therselves on tip of hills & suppression of -excitement was enjoyed. Considerable watching occurred. Barking of dogs -was strangled by collars, infant babies which desired to weep was spanked -for prevention of. Silences. Depressed banners was held in American hands -to get ready wave it. - -Many persons in Sabbath clothings was there, including 1,000 Japanese -Spies which were very nice behaviour. I was nationally proud of them. - -Of suddenly, Oh!!! - -Through crack of Goldy Gate, what-see? Maglifisent sight of marine -insurance! Floating war-boats of dozens approaching directly straight by -line & shooting salutes at people. On come them Imperial Navy of Hon. -Roosevelt & Hon. Hobson; what heart could quit beating at it? Such white -paint—like bath-tub enamel, only more respectful in appearance. - -All shout, all maddy banzai, including me & Cousin Nogi which was wishing -that Hon. Togo could been there to shoot in opposite direction. Would it -not been a impressive pair of naval spectacles? I ask to know. - -From collected ½ million of persons on hills of S. F. one mad yall of -star-spangly joy. Fire-crack salute, siren whistle, honk-horn, megaphone, -extra edition, tenor solo—all connected together to give impressions of -loyal panderonium. What say Lord Macawber, English history-poet, in “Lies -of Ancient Rome”? - - “And even the ranks of Tuskagee - Could scarce forbear a cheer.” - -(I wish I could sent this wire-telegram for speed. Please excuse sneer -from Hon. Operator.) - -I haven’t yet saw them gallant Adm. Robert D. Evans, but I take delicious -look at Hon. Battle-boat _Conn._ by 2 opera glasses (kindness loan of -Cousin Nogi) & there I see one commanding figure stooding on ¼ deck -where shoot & shell might go muckraking four & aft, if such a rude -target-practice was going on. Was man I seen them famous sea-doggy what -have drove that fleet from N.Y. to S.F. while enjoying twitches of pain -what would make considerable Heroes want to quit? If that man I seen was -Hon. Evans, Japanese Samurai wants to remove cap to him. He are not a -Hero—he are a Marter, which is a Hero tied to a post. - -(When Hon. Operator seen my telegraf he-say: “What language is them wrote -in?” I am confused.) - -[Illustration: “When Hon. Operator see my telegraf he-say ‘What language -is them wrote in?’”] - -For space of several next days this Hon. City are overcame by -considerable Program. Something go on each elsewhere including new-build -section & also places where remainders of Hon. Earthquack are still -enjoyed. Following was did from what little I was aware: - - _Wed._—Toot-whistle, anchor-fleet, boom-salute—hurrah! Hon. - Mr. Mayor Taylor & High Governor Gilette go-see Flagship - _Conn._ “How-do, Adm. Evans!” Fleet shake-hands with yackts, - tug-boats, ferry-boats & all official vehicles. Hon. Evans come - shore. Salutes. Honk-auto to Hotel Fairmont where Adm. Evans - meet Mrs. Evans. More salutes. All Hon. Officers come march-in - with un-officered excitement. Quiet bouquets. By evening Hon. - Sec. Metcalf enjoy grand waltz-time Hotel Fairmont. I am not - familiar with when this was expected to burst up. - - _Thur._—Awful important parade along line of march including - National Guard and other private carriages. American standing - army was included in this together with such Generals as was - there. All blue-jackets, marines & officers march in this; but - Hon. Battleboats did not come ashore, because they could not - do. Market Street all bunted with red, white & blue & 4th of - July enjoyed by all. Fatigue of march was added to by speeches. - By evening some more waltz-time for Hon. Officers. Hon. Sailors - must not be careless about steam-beer. All burst up by early - clock. - - _Fri._—All go visit Hon. America Fleet. Great relays of persons - in boat-loads because everybody was anxious. Visitors including - of College Presidents, Labouring Unions, Society, Persons & - many more. Special reception was gave to 1,000 Japanese Spies - which came with kodaks. - - _Sat._—This day has not arrived yet; but we expect it. - -Mr. Editor, I am anxious to where them Hon. Fleet will next go by -departure. Will Japan be visited firstly & then some Christian country, -or will it be _visa-vis_? I ask to know, because way them Fleet act are -highly probable to Japanese Schoolboy. - -Will you please wrote letter to Hon. Metcalf inflaming him about not -having them Hon. Fleet go visit China? After U. S. Navy have saw Japan -she will not care go China, I say it because. Japan are a deliciously -arranged country with hot & cold water in all rivers and streams. Japan -are picturesque with addition of all modern improvement. America tourist -can go top of anteek temple Nara, by all-night elevator service. 2c -tip for this. Geisha-girl do quaint dance to Edison phonograph musick. -Jinrikisha run by gasolene motor make very speed time. Japan are a very -antiseptick island full of Art. America fleeters will enjoy this & buy -souvenirs for minus price. Pleasant farewell, Hon. America, & no fights -with Togo. - -[Illustration: “‘But China!! Such eye-pain of nations.’”] - -But China!! Such eye-pain of Nations where virtues is considerably -extolled upon hon. tablets of ansisters, but them hon. relicks is -seldom washed, so that they can’t not be read. That is one kingdom -where enlightenment is unacquainted, where derby hats is unknown, -where book-keeping & stenography is not even worshipped for its good -qualities! Entire towns & counties of them ignorant kingdom is gave over -to pipe-hitting ceremony of opium sniff, which is a insiderous poison -that give sweet imagination which is followed by entire unfitness for -feetball, predatory wealth and anything else what is useful & American. -I give you my entire insurance, Mr. Editor, China are a race of pig-tail -mollycuddles. Why should civilized kingdom wish to retain open door with -China? It would be more delicate to close such a door & keep off pungus -odour of opium-smoke & heathen punk-stick. - -There is two kind of Heathens, Mr. Editor. One kind worship gods what -is placed on tiled pedistals of Portland Cement & treated with hydrogen -peroxide to remove affectionate germs. Other kind of Heathens adore idles -made of wood, which it are a sacrilage to scrub, because it would remove -sacred associations including typhoid, tuberculosis & social unrest. - -Please to no let Hon. Fleet visit China. All Japanese are sorry because -Hon. China are so wicked. Some day that dear Japan will annex China for -personal property, then America fleet can visit & see how clean & smooth -Heathens can be when treated by Japan. - -Hon. Wu, Chinese minister of sinful profile, oftenly make comick speeches -before American Y.M.C.A. He tell what a human person Chinese can be, -he relate about “awakening of China” & is a pretty good Irishman for -repartee. Maybe China are awake, but she have missed her train. - -Please don’t listen to Mr. Wu, Hon. Sir! Listen to Baron Takahira who -never says nothing, and therefore is a very good embassy. Baron Takahira -are a Diplomatick Stroke, while that Hon. Wu are nothing but a Yellow -Peril. - -Little Annie Anazuma, 8-year-age daughter of I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, -are now nine years of oldness. Because of her extreme youngness she must -be led to high-tip of Russia Hill to see improach of America Fleet, -because she are interested in naval affairs. - -While I hold her to shoulder for see better them cast-iron delegation -swim by on wave she declare: - -“Why are such demonstration of monstrous floaters here now, Uncle Togo?” - -“To have wholesome effect on certain Oriental Power,” I collapse with -very Tafty expression of publick knowledge. - -“What effect will such floating have on certain Oriental Power?” require -little Annie. - -“Them Oriental Power will build ten new _Dreadnoughts_ instead of six,” I -relegate. - -“So joyful!” tabulate little Annie. “Then such Oriental Power will be -head of all!” - -“Delay to rejoice,” I subtract. “When Hon. England see this he will built -twelve new fight-ships of _Lusitania_ class, Germany will construct -fourteen new shoot-boats of _Fatherland_ type, America will consult -Senator Burton & think of appropriating something some time for a -gunboat.” - -“Great war will ensue when them Navies is did!” narrate little Annie. - -“Stop suddenly!” I dib. “When all them Dreadnought navies is completed -they will discovery that they are five years out of style and will be -useful as ferryboats.” - -“That will be comfortable for peaceful pic-nicks,” derange that little -Annie which have close, childish brain. - -“What say Hon. And. Carnegie about battle-ships? He-say: ‘More elaborate -you built navies, more peaceful Hon. World will get. Large steel ship are -good thing for business of Hague,’ he-say.” - -“Large steel ship are good thing for business of Hon. Carnegie,” corrode -little Anne Anazuma, who is an advanced kindergarten. - -Hoping I will be present to get it when your Hon. Office Lad are fired -off, I am - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - -XIII - -FLIGHTY NAVIGATION OF AIR - - - SAN FRANCISCO, June 2d. - - _To Editor New York Newspaper which sores alof like eagly-bird - which have a noble habit of being flighty._ - -DEAREST SIR—I am given to be understood by newspaper information that -Right Bros, famous airnots, has solved problemb of air navigation again -by very delicious wreckage. Them Right Bros fly-tests is always shot off -with entire secrecy, so that Japanese navy won’t be there to represent -itself. This time them sky-boat manoever were witnessed by less than -2,000 persons, mostly reporters, inventors & foreign powers, who seen -very nicely from bushes 25 miles away where they was hid out of range of -Hon. Right’s shoot-gun. - -New airship of Right Bros is called Mud Hen II., because them crafts -should all be named after some bird what they act like. Hon. Bell’s -air-boat are called “White Wings” because they never grow weary of trying -to. That Mud Hen II. are a 6-cylinder, runabout type of airoplane built -on model of 3 pancakes and worked with strings which Hon. Right have -attached to thumbs & toes. To start them ship Hon. Right lays himself on -stummick and runs the engine with his teeth. When he wish to go up he -raise elbows & depresses toes. When he wish to come down he stand on his -head. - -On this trip Right Bros start navigating from Killed Devil Hill, which is -in Southern states. After considerable scientifick prepare them ship were -seen to make following emotion: - - 1—It went up. - - 2—It came down. - -After successful flight Orville Right were found comfortably setting -on his airship in middle of Elkins swamp. Except for 2 wings fraxured, -engine twisted off, propeller gone & framework on fire, them machinery -landed without a mishap. Hon. Right were congratulating himself by -shaking his broken hand. - -Hon. Reporter from McClunsey’s Magazine came up to say: “I represent it.” - -Silence from Hon. Right. - -“What natural views do you possess of mind about future development of -airoplanes for carrying persons for traffick?” require Hon. Muckrake. - -“I refuse to answer,” response Hon. Right with E. H. Harriman signals. - -“Oh so hurrah!” collapse them Hon. Reporter. “I got scoop news for -McClunsey’s Magazine. HON. RIGHT HAVE SPOKE FOR FIRST TIME!!” - - * * * * * - -Mr. Editor, I am morely assured that aireal navigation will be very cheap -sport for poor mans. Hickory wood are cheap, canvas are cheap, nails are -cheap & life are cheap. All them is necessary for one good airship. You -can borrow 1 gas-engine from another automobile. Next choose some bird -what look safe & intelligent & built your fly-machine to resemble it. -If you admire for pidgeons, then built one pidgeon-toe air-plane. If -you think hawks is most pleasant fliers, all well; then make a hawkish -air-boat. Nail all them airship together with considerable canvas & light -hickory corners, fasten on them gas-engine what you have borrowed, carry -such machinery to vacant plains & teach it to fly like the bird what you -admire most much. - -All airships can fly, but some of them is very hard to teach. - -Last yesterday I was tooking a feet-walk by lonesome hill of Berkeley. -Among daisy-cup grassy of steep slope I seen some machinery in attitude -of mechanical expectation. It were a very cross-looking machinery like -a bisickel whose mother was a sail-boat. Several Hon. Professors was -standing around to encourage Hon. Airnot with statistick about dying for -science. Hon. Airnot speak of relatives in Kansas City and regret sinful -youth with considerable paleness. - -“What you so trembly for?” eject Professor with Ben Tillman expression. -“Are it possibly that you are afraid to go up?” - -“O earnestly no!” collapse them Airnot, “I are entirely fearless about -going up but it are thoughts of going down what give me them quaker -feeling at elbow.” - -More excitable preparation then. One Professor arrive with tex-book -entitle, “How Do It to Fly”; yet some other bring telescope for see him -long off. One medical Doctor was also present with muck-rakes, etc., so -as to scrape them Airnot off trees in case of. Nervous tense enjoyed by -all. - -So Hon. Airnot say farewell speek to persons present, including Hon. -Wife who was in Chicago. He also mention several technical terms with -considerable emotion & all Scientists present weep with eyes. Next he -place self carefully to seat with assistants of one Irish man what was -there merely to labour. Silence for pulses. - -“Are you ready?” inquire Hon. Professor with voice. - -[Illustration: “O banzai! Whirr of angry rages from engine”] - -“Are!” response them birdy hero. - -“Then go it!” suggest Hon. Professor. Awful breathlessness. Hon. Airnot -with brave grasp of wrist throw handle-crank to start engine. Nothing -happen. Surprise from all. Hon. Airnot then speak automobile language & -pull more crank-wheel with thumbs. Complete indifference from them engine. - -“Chaloric energy are hypnotized,” say one Scientist who supposed he knew. - -“You have forgot-it to put in gasolene,” corrode Irish man what was there -to labour. - -“So have!” say Airnot. So Hon. Gasolene was poured to engines with can. - -Once more prepare to start. Hon. Airnot take seat. Quick jerk to -crank-handle. O banzai! Whirr of angry rages from engine. Entire -fly-machine get palpitation to resemble rooster severed from its brains. -Irish man give shove, & complete bird-boat motor along ground on bisickel -wheels. More fast & more faster it go, kicking up pebbles in frantick -enjoyment, some time rising to astonishy hight of ¼ inch, now & yet -bumptious to large stone and appearing anxious to fly, but not sure how; -till of suddenly it make very restful flop against fence-post & stop -desiring to continue. - -Loud shouting from all Airo Clubs present. - -“I ask to know,” I require, “for why does all make such pagan noise of -gladness?” - -“For following reason,” decrop one Professor, “because aireal navigation -are solved.” - -“All airships is modeled to resemble some kind of birds,” I say for -interview. “Some to resemble sparrows, some to resemble hawk—what species -of birdy are this fly-boat modeled to resemble?” - -“It are modeled to resemble a ostrich,” say Hon. Airnot, picking up some -fingers he lost. - -“But a ostrich are not able to fly,” I snuggest. - -“Neither are this airship,” say Hon. Airnot in whispering voice so as U. -S. Govt might not overheard. - -So all sujurn to Airo Club banquet with exception of Hashimura Togo & -Hon. Irish which was not invited. We set together on grassy hill for -slight conversation about human progress. - -“Of surely, Mike,” say Irish with smoke-pipe of dangerous shortness, -“airshipping are a grand sporty.” - -“It are still a low-down science,” I mangle. - -“Why a package of fools should do it, I am willing to be searched,” he -dib. “They spend 1,000’s of dollar to make such a mechanical rooster -what we seen this afternoon. They work for 2 year to nail it together, -they hire famous Airnot from Kansas City, they get names in paper & -all Science must stop thinking about serious things because they are so -excited. Then great day arrive. All ready—_whoof!_ $6,000 air-boat make -flopping emotion and go bust by fence-post. Everybody happy to go home & -construpt more airboats.” - -“Great things of World are built in them way,” I corrode for dignity. - -“Southern Pacifick Railway were not built in them way, you can bet it,” -say Irish. - -“It will be a cheap way to travel in future,” I nudge. - -“It are not cheap way to travel in present,” decry that Hon. Irish. “By -counting up all axidents, break-ups, refusals to go, unwillingness to -stay up when started there, etc., it are computed by Scientists that -airships has cost $1,000 for every yard they has flew through air.” - -“Such an expensive car-fare!” I derange. - -“Rates like them should be regulated by Congress,” negotiate Hon. Irish, -collecting together fractional pieces of airship what was strewed apart -over hillside. - - * * * * * - -Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, are being a heathen awhile this -summer because it are vacation, and because his derby was thieved by -somebody at a Church Sociable. Missionary lady say him, “Arthur, you -should be a sunshine.” He-say, “Too much sunshine creates headache. I -think I shall put up a umbrella for a temporary time.” - -Therefore Arthur are very sinical & pessimons when he speak of air -navigation & human races. - -“Airships,” say Arthur, “are like souls of people. There are continuous -talk about elevating human race; but alarmingly seldom does souls get far -enough off the ground to create much disturbance.” - -“Some souls is like baloons,” I mitigate. “They has lofty tendencies, -they are filled of gas. They go up & stay there where it is.” - -“It are easy to be ideal like a baloon,” say Arthur. “But it are hard -to be ideal like a airship. To go up on lofty thought & stay up there -floating around without getting nowhere, that are job what lots persons -do & say, ‘O my, I are so High Mind!’ But to go for trip in high air -& know where you will arrive at—_that_ are job for seldom and rare -individuals. Such toply navigators can discover North Pole and become -familiar with stars. They are not baloonists—they are Poets....” - -“Poets are continually getting bumped to Earth,” I indulge. - -“Excuse me so,” say Arthur, obtaining cigarettes from me, “when not a -Christian I am a free-thinking Japanese.” - -“When thinking freely you are most relidgous,” I commute. - - * * * * * - -So we close up by singing of following song-sing which sound very -peculiar to musick of samisen, which is a Jewish harp made in Yeddo: - - -_CONVERSATION BETWEEN A JAPANESE POET AND A TOMMY HAWK-BIRD_ - - O KO-KO SAN - O SUKI-RAN - HASHIMURA ICHI-BAN! - BUN-BUN! - - In sufficiently old-fashion time - Of Japanese history, - When Adam & Eve was considered late, - Bashi-Bashi, great Poeter, - Was a-laying near stream in Hokadate. - Drowdy song of hum-bee - Was seen going around - Stinging sweet flower for honey. - Hon. Bashi-Bashi were full of considerable lazy poetry. - Pretty soonly - A Tommy Hawk-bird come flattering by & perch on lim of tree. - “I wish I could flew away like a Tommy Hawk-bird,” say Bashi-Bashi, - because he was a Poet. - “Why you wish it?” require them fowel. - “Because,” say Poet with music, - “As I was a fly-high animal like you, - Then I might go - To Emperor of Japan - And get some salary. - Then I might fly to lettuce-window - Of love-lady - And decry, - ‘Have Bashi-Bashi, Japanese poeter, got some chances with you?’” - “Such a ha-ha!” salute them Hawk-bird, - “I have flew around for years, - And never did no such thing.” - “What you did with them power to flew?” requite Poet. - “I use it,” - Say Hawk-bird, - “For respectable purpose; - I are a married Tommy hawk— - What would wife & eggs say, - If I was seen flewing around strange lettuce-windows - With a voice full of sonnets?” - No reply for him. - “I have also fly to Emperor of Japan,” - Say Hawk-bird. - “What he say?” demand Poet. - “He-say, ‘Shoot them Hawk - For stealing roosters - From Royal Coop!’” - - O KO-KO SAN - O SUKI-RAN! - Bashi-Bashi lay silently - Near water-cress of silverous stream. - “Things what persons need,” he-say, - “Can be obtained by walking for them, or taking bisickel, or else - they are not to be had nohow.” - Then he go sleep, - Filled with lazy poetry. - -Mr. Editor, all human races wants something. They are going for it -with steamboat, automobile, rail-train. Next they are after it with a -fly-boat. I hope you will let me know when they finds it. - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - -XIV - -THE CONVENTIONAL MEETING OF REPS IN CHICAGO - - - SAN FRANCISCO, June 15th. - - _To Editor New York Newspaper which are a good advertising and - spiritualistick medium about proper subjecks, but must not - mention pat. medicines because of doped results._ - -ASTEAMED SIR—It are not merely Japanese alone which is surprised & -excited over Rep National Convention meeting in Chicago. All-coloured -persons is stimulated by it including Hon. Strunsky, Irish salooner by -corner. - -“It will be very august assembly,” corrode Hon. Strunsky by beer-glass. - -“It will be June assembly in newspapers,” I devote. I am suspicious of -something humoristick by American eye-wink from that Strunsky. - -“Them Rep National Convention will be like a whale-fish,” he persume. - -“Why will it be so whalish by nature?” I ask to know. - -“Because of,” he-say. “It will be very large, very cool and full of -spouts.” - -“Are it not wrong politick for Republicans to be so fishy?” I am next to -require, but Hon. Strunsky become busy with intemperate customers. - -Newspaper reading of press makes all Japanese Boys feverish of mind -about such Conventions which are representative and something else. -Presidents is manufactured & pulled apart by such a Conventions. Are it -not instructiverus for Japanese Boys to learn how to do such things with -Presidents? So we have such a Convention for ourselves & trade pretty -numberous thoughts to-gether in dine-room of Patriots of Japan Board & -Lodging. Many ideas are burst by this. - -Bunkio Saguchi, Japanese taylor, sound keynote to say, - -“I represent a violent Tafty sentiment; therefore I should be interrupted -by cheers.” - -This are arranged from all. - -“I make an emotion,” discourse this Bunkio, “that Hon. Taft be named by -exclamation.” - -“We are eager to make Tafty exclamations,” rotate F. Matsu, “but Hon. -Roosevelt must be nominated first by request.” - -“Hon. Nox are more safely Pennsylvanian to vote for,” erupt W. Furo who -are a humourist because of his lame mind. - -Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, say-so, “Tarified statesmen must -stand patsy, resulting in pius victory for Jo-uncle Cannon. He are a -splandid Lincoln Republican because of.” - -“Because of which?” transfer Nogi. - -“Because of sentimental whiskers,” dally Arthur. - -“You are a Favourite Son,” say Nogi, who is expert in mean curses. - -More insults is enjoyed. Then there is hits followed by jiu jitsu. -Chair furniture is smashy to window including text-book & Japanese -break-a-brack. Intermission by Police. - -Japanese Boys Rep Convention adjurned _sine diet_. - - * * * * * - -“O what is so scarce as a day in June?” require to know Hon. Seth Lowell, -American poeter. Answer to this is, “Republican Convention in June are -still more scarcer.” It will of surely be a nice weather-condition for -Chicago in June to have all them assorted minds going assimulusly in -middle of Lake Shore. All sections of Chicago, which are not already -occupied by Mayor Busse, will be full of Hon. W. Taft. Flags bunted -everywhere with thrills. Patriotism enjoyed by all. - -[Illustration: “Loyal sons of same fairish land parading under banner of -the Nice Old Party with placards to show how harmonious they feel”] - -Since great World’s Fire of 1898 Hon. Chicago have not saw anything -outside of Hon. Stockyards so beautiful & talented. If you got some kind -of brain, Mr. Editor, imagine with it! Imagine 992 desperate statesmen -which has all signed the pledge to vote for something, then approach -together for purpose. Could eye-flash be omitted, could heart-sob be out, -could speeching with voice be neglected for such occasion? Answer is, -No! Put imaginative opera-glass on them great Congregation. East & West, -North and some sections of South, hit together in firm bond of union with -common devotion of patriotick thought, “Let us see Chicago and go home!” -Loyal Sons of same fairish land parading under banner of the Nice Old -Party with following placards to show how harmonious they feel: - - “We Want Teddy.” - - “We Don’t.” - - “Hon. Fairbanks is Tall & Fair.” - - “Hon. Nox is Short & Ugly.” - - “Hon. Cannon is a Big Boom.” - - “Hon. Cannon Are a False Report.” - - “We Want Senator Forker.” - - “We Want Rockefeller—But We Can’t Have Him.” - - “A Close Shave for Gov. Hughes.” - - “Hon. Taft Will Put Down the Trusts.” - - “Hon. Cannon Will Put Them Down More Gently.” - - “Roosevelt Forever!” - - “It Looks That Way.” - -Mr. Editor, if you can imagine them things it will not be necessary for -you to buy ticket to Chicago. And yet them Convention will be a great -service to see because so much of. Every State in this Hon. Union will -be misrepresented by some great man or another. Oftenly two or three -statesmen will do this. Brains will enjoy fatigue from enormous Thought. -Prominent druggers of Chicago will get some permits to sell headache -powders to Delegates before & after speeches. When nothing else seem -important the Hon. Band will play Star Spangly Banner (national tune) and -Hon. Delegates will play Poker (national game). Excitement will never lax. - -Little Annie Anazuma, eight-year-aged daughter of I. Anazuma, Japanese -barber, are excited about them Convention because she have a conventional -mind. - -“I read by papers, Uncle Togo,” she-say, “that Republican Convention will -spend $3,000 for music.” - -“Musical chins is expensive,” I deploy. - -“Tell me to know, Uncle Togo,” she submit, “what are a Temporarial -Chairman about which so much reading is done of lately?” - -“A Temporarial Chairman are a musician hired to toot key-note for such a -Convention,” I arrange. - -“What will be key-note of Republican Convention?” require that childish -Japanese. - -“You are too young to imagine,” I collapse. “There must be 47 key-notes -to please all variety of Republicans.” - -“Such a chairman should be a brass band,” signify little Annie. - -I am silent for reply. - -“Why are Senator Borrows called ‘Julius Cæsar’?” are next question for -that infant mind. - -“Julius Cæsar are name of antique Statesman who was stabbed,” I berate. - -“Will Hon. Borrows enjoy such a stabbing?” she talk off. - -“Possibly never,” I derange. “Hon. Borrows will resume Hon. Chair as a -very much instructed Delegate. He are instructed to look patriotick, but -not to act too nervous about it. He must not do nothing to stampede them -Convention. A room full of Delegates are like a yard full of mule-horses. -They are shy about sudden noises. They have animal natures. They are very -anxious to enjoy a stampede. If Hon. Temp. Chairman say ‘Roosevelt!’ -of sudden with voice, then such kick-over, snort, hoof-tramp, squeal & -panderonium might ensue that Hon. Roosevelt might be nominated before -Hon. Fire Dept. could burst in & put out enthusiasm of with wet hoses. -Temp. Chairman must arouse Republicans in soothing sort of way. He -are allowed to mention patriots of Bunko Hill; but about San Juan Hill -nothing to said. American Colonial History are nice thing for such -occasions. - -“‘Patriots & Senator Penrose,’ would be quiet sort of beginning. ‘What -happen on bleak New English coast by several centuries of past-time? Hon. -Plymouth Rock was discover by boat _Mayflower_.’ - -“(‘Several cheers for Presidential Yacht!’ outcry California Delegate -with stampeding motion of thumbs.) - -“‘Pilgrim Parents grew that Rock and we can prove it,’ delude that Hon. -Temp, ‘and Republican Party are deliciously like them Plymouth Rock, -emblem of free & brave, beautiful American ideal covered with moss and in -garments green indistinct in the twilight. Quotation from Longfellow——’ - -“(‘Our ticket, Fairbanks & Longfellow!’ say voice from Indiana.) - -“‘Plymouth Rock have stood stationary for 1,000’s of year and refused to -move itself for nothing or nobody. That are a very dignified lesson for -Republican Party to stand on.’ - -“(‘Banzai for Cannon & Fort!’ decry voice with New Jersey accent.) - -“‘Plymouth Rock are a silent tribute of strength. One safely sane -Republican President should be such a silent tribute. What say Hon. Dan -Webster about Presidential candidates? He-say, “A roaring stone pleases -no boss.” Therefore let us do nice job by Republican faith, a faith what -is builded on stones of ancestors and rocks of Wall Street.’ - -“(Faint shrieking of ‘Teddy!’ from uninstructed Arizona delegate. -Stampede repressed by fire-drill.)” - -“Are Hon. Cæsar choice of Administration?” enquire little Annie. - -“So sorry to reply,” I dement. “Hon. Beverage are more sweethearted to -Hon. Administration, but patriotick Senators say he are too intemperate -with talk.” - -“Prohibition Republicans is opposed to all Beverages,” abrogate little -Annie, resuming doll-play of childhood. - - * * * * * - -Hon. Taft got back shortly ago from Panama Canal where he was sent to -study Republican Majority. He are now nervous about a trip to Philippine -Islands where he is anxious not to be needed till after Convention -have got through with him. Hon. Taft do not seek no nomination, but he -are willing to occupy address where he can be found if looked for. -Philippine Islands is too distant for such modesty. If duty called Hon. -Taft to such farness away, I bet my bootware he would hear duty making -race-riot in Chicago during middle of June. - -Hon. Taft are largest Policyholder in Roosevelt Insurance Society. He -will be nominate so easily that it appear deceptive. I know because I am -aware. I am sometimes full of rejoice that I have not got a ticket for -that Hon. Convention because it would be a tired thing to set for 5-day -race in them Convention Hall to hear something happen what you know is -arranged in advance. - - * * * * * - -Mr. Editor, newspaper-press of all-coloured politicks has enjoyed -considerable agony about White Shadow of Administration hovvering over -them Convention. - -I presume of my knowledge that Hon. Roosevelt are setting in them Light -House at Washington suffering from pains in laughing-bone. He hear them -Malefactors nervously chattering teeth about III Term, he are conscious -about excitement from Subsidized persons which looks over shoulders for -fearful of More of It; he are aware of very solidified O-Hio curses with -instructions to Look Out. - -But Hon. Roosevelt, setting in barber-chair at Light House, are smoking -smoke and carving on deathly end of Big Club following instructions, - -“_To be Preserved in Alcohol until Needed in 1912._” - -“You have been President once and ½,” say Jacob Riis from press chair. - -“Of sure I have,” say Hon. Pres., “and I gave American audiences a very -nice performance.” - -“Every good performance deserve an encore,” admire Hon. Riis. - -“I have been hunting them for several year,” say Hon. Roosevelt for -parlayzed expression of thought. “And many of them are still alive & -savage.” - -“What you speak of,” enquire Hon. Riis, “them Trusts?” - -“No,” renig Hon. Roosevelt, “them Bears.” - -“What else to do when all is over?” require Hon. Jake. - -“I shall go to Wales and hunt rabbits.” - -“Why such distances away?” derange him. - -“Wales is nice country for rests. In Wales they do not know a rebate from -a rabbit.” - -After this is loud scratching from pencils. - -Hoping you will send me a free wire telegraf if Hon. Roosevelt gets -elected by mistake, - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - -XV - -AMERICA’S BANG UP CEREMONY - - - SAN FRANCISCO, June 30th. - - _To Editor New York newspaper which act grand to my - hummbelness._ - -DEAR MR.—I am a familiar case. Therefore permit me to ask one humour -reproach about something very mixed which are going to happen to these -U. S. July 4th are it. This ceremony have occur so oftenly to America -that persons should be used to it. Persons is mostly able to get used to -whatever happen in eventual time. Japan have gradual became innocule to -hon. beri-beri, which are a fine disease, if you must have one. Hawaii -islands also feels ditto about lepordsy, which are regarded a pretty -custom among natives who got it. China are used to opium-smoke, England -are used to Parliament. Then why-so these America never get used to July -4th? I ask to know. - -Answer is this: She never will! She think may-be-so she might, when -something discouridge occur. By July 4th morning she take some nervous -medecine to soothe it. She feels strongly better. Joyful pops in -distance. “Ha!” she say for bluff, “I am vaccinated with gunpowder,” -Louder and more smashy become fusileer of bang-bang musick until some -fraxures bust to window. Then silences. “Heavenly praise!” say Hon. -America, “in another minutes I should do a scream.” Of suddenly large -curl of smoke are saw, then roof-afire followed by chicken-yard blazes. -Local hook-corps come with hose in time to rake together ashes of sweet -home & fireshade. Then Hon. America forget calm resolve & enjoy some -hysterick. - -Sydney Katsu Jr., who are my affectionate chumb, make a humoristick -remark when I tell him this parabula about Hon. America. He say, “Hon. -America can’t no more get used to July 4th than she can get used to Hon. -Roosevelt.” I hope you will convulse yourself with this joke, because it -sound very delicious in Japanese. - -I enquire of some frequent Americans why-so it are necessary to blow up -America once annually to make them patriotick. I am replied by snickkers -from many. Yet others indulge me with following answer: “We must make -considerable Jar in order to remind us of American Flag.” So fooly -excuse! Do Hon. Japan have to blow herself up once annually in order to -remind her of that dear sun-banner? Answer is, No!! When Hon. Japan wish -to remind herself of Japanese Flag she go blow up Hon. Russia, which will -do pretty well. - -By last July 4th, while roming up San Francisco for silent reflecion -on patriotism, etc., I am shook around by Port Arthur explosions from -all direction. It were as if Hon. Inferno had got away & was scratching -himself with thunderbolts. Please imagine it. Popcorn sounds from small -firework was aggrevated by occasional intense jar of mammal torpedo. At -corner of St. I seen one intelligent American laddish boy age 9 a-blowing -on dynamite fuse to make her go up. - -“Before finishing yourself,” I snuggest with kind face, “please told me -why you wish make such an explode.” - -“Because of Revolutional War,” surrogate them tiny child. - -“Do firecrack blow-up give you some intelligent instructions about -Revolutional War history?” I request for answer. - -“Of sure it do!” declaim them kidly youth procuring flames from matchbox. - -“If you can bang yourself wise,” I dally, “please name 8 generals what -faught with Hon. Washington at Valley Forges.” - -“Name them yourself,” say them child, “can’t you be able to see how busy -I are?” - -And when he thusly say-it all them firework burst up & he are blowed to -ambulance. I was sorry to seen such sweet child rumpled by fireworks, so -I go hunt Hon. Parents of him & say following for tearful eye, - -“Dear sir, I explain it that your child are considerably bursted.” - -“Boys will be boys,” say Hon. Parents for Christian Science expression. - -“Boys will be angels when not careful,” I relapse with Red Cross eyewink. - - * * * * * - -I got personal trouble sufficiently without July 4th to come & add some -weariness. My uncle Nichi, Japanese carpenter of Yeddo, have arrive -to S. F. for a very stretched visit. He are a entirely jay Japanese, -considerably neglectful of American pant & vest, so he stick by kimono -which should be ashamed. I fix a nice derby hat on him, which is -fashionable, yet I can seen persons make snickker-lip when he pass-by. -American derby annex to Japanese kimono are nice symbol of modern Japan. -It appear quite hellish. - -Should I drop Uncle Nichi like a nusance? Ah no! I must retain him -reverently because he are a ¼ cousin to my ancestor. Therefore I -entertain him to beer-ceremony at saloon of Hon. Strunsky, Irish -patriot. Uncle Nichi think beer should be served in a cup & saucer. -He-say this kingdom give him musical ears & a brain-ache. - -“Were America discover by axidents?” he enquire to know. - -“Almost entirely,” I congratulate. - -“With care it might have been avoided,” emit that oldy man. - -“Hon. America were discover by Mr. Columbus, July 4, 1776,” I say for -slight bore of tone. - -“Tell me everything,” attack Uncle Nichi, who expect to stay here -indefinitely. - -“On them date I said it,” is further from me, “Hon. Columbus approach to -Boston with iron fleet. To assist him was Gen. Washington & Gen. Grant, -both nice fighters and anxious to get into American history. Pretty -soonly they seen monument of Bunco Hill & there—beholt it!—was Brittish -troop with flag by command of Gen. Corn Wallace——” - -“Excuse me to interrupt,” degrade my ¼ ancestor. “If Hon. Columbus -discovery these U. S. first what was Brittish troop doing there already?” - -“Most schoolboys is familiar with story,” I dib with proud cigar. “So I -may proceed, thank you. Hon. Columbus land to shore with blue-jacky & -quick-fire ammunition. ‘You must fight us, please,’ he-say to Brittish -troop. ‘O no, not to do!’ they renig with accent, ‘We must not fight on -July 4th because it are a legal holiday,’ Therefore Hon. Columbus ship -them Brittish troop to Niagara Fall & declare these U. S. an entirely -free kingdom.” - -“And next what?” surrogate Uncle Nichi wakefully. - -“And nextly Hon. Washington go to Pittsburgh where he was crowned -President & Gen. Grant go Appotomax where he last all summer.” - -“And what happen to Hon. Columbus?” corrode Unc. - -“He go back to Spain where he was lynched,” I collapse. - -“So July 4th have been occurring regularly ever since?” he ask it. - -“With regular explosions,” I narrate. - -“Firecracks are an invention of the devil,” twitch Uncle Nichi for -superstitious look. - -“They are an invention of the Chinese,” I retard, “and that may be quite -similar.” - -“Most crimes can be traced to China,” say Nichi for racial prejudice. - -“So July 4th will arrive presently,” I make known. - -“How shall I know when it is came?” he ask to know. - -“How can you miss it?” I bewail. - -“Please relate 25 or 30 noble instances of American patriotism,” begin -Uncle Nichi, but I am able to delude him away for care-fare ride price -10c. - - * * * * * - -Mr. Editor, by most nearly genuine statistick $3,000,000 are burned -off of America by each annual July 4th. This are sufficient to built 1 -of them battleships what Congress feel too poor to vote. Six hundred -persons is entirely killed by this yearly bang-up. Such a number would -make a very nice crew for such a battleship. They might sail it & never -enjoy death until old age do it. Would it not be a splandid plan for all -Americans to avoid purchase of firework for 1 year & sent the money to -Senator Hobson to buy such a patriotick boat? It might be painted of red -colour to resemble firecrackers & would be a floating monument to all -brave Americans who did not die on July 4th. I suggest an earnest thought. - -Ah, Mr. Editor, I can hear you said something with sweet voice! I can -hear you said, “That Japanese Schoolboy have a soul minus feet; else why -he make such a rail against July 4th, when all them firework what is -burned for glory are of Japanese parentage?” Quite so truthful it are for -you to speek this, Mr. Editor. Sky-racket, pinny-wheel, flower-pottery, -nigger-chase & Romantic-candle fireworks was formerly of Japanese -parentage, but they was very temperate & well-behaving when made in -Japan. It were when they began to be manufactured in New Jersey that they -became boystrous, disappated & disorderly shoots. - -By olden date of time it were custom for cash-wealthy Daimo what was -feeling joyful about his ancestors to invite selection of persons to come -his garden to have a see. Pretty soon it was dark, then Hon. Daimo would -set afire one flower-pottery filled with gunpowder. Sky was filled with -fiery blossoms to resemble botany. - -“That are a lily-plant of firework,” say Hon. Daimo, “How you like?” - -“O how sweet!” declaim all guests bumping forehead with hissy politeness. -Then they drink tea & go home with calm medetations about great emperors -& other famous politicians. - -Japan do not make such blazes very muchly now days. She too busy with -ordinary killing machinery to devote times to decorated deaths. When -Japan have got to nail together 6 new _Dreadnothings_ annually for -all-time of future in order to keep civilized, what chanst have she got -to shoot off Romantic-candles for ancestors? But she do it slyly now & -then. - -And yet I are not entirely cross & irritate when I see small kidly -boys a-blowing off noises on them July 4 date. Memory of Concors & -Lex. are worth burning some fingers for; but to blow out eyes for such -a memory are wastefully unnecessary. Independance Day are a variety -of intemperance, and yet I might weep with eye to see it abolish by -Prohibition. What say Dan Webster about this? He-say, “Intemperance are a -good thing when took moderately.” A very slight July 4th could not hurt -anybody—not even a College Professor what often injure his fine brains -a-thinking about Standard Oil & how get some. - -Therefore I take ferryboat to some shades of wood next July 4th and there -enjoy lonesome picknick. Sandwitch & cigarette will be smoked by me, -followed by this poem, which are less complete still: - - O Columbia the jam of the ocean, - The home of the Greek and the Slav, - Some object of frequent devotion, - What nice summer climate you have! - With them garland of firework around you, - With picknick & baseball game, too, - O this Jap Boy are glad he have found you— - Banzai for such red, white & blue. - -(To make a Chorus keep on singing it.) - -Hoping you will not go away and leave your insurance in the office, - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - -S. P.—Hon. Maxim Jr., child of Hon. Hi Maxim, explosion man, have invent -a species of powder what explode silently. When this are used soldiers -can talk during entire battles with out fear of interrupt. If Hon. Maxim -Jr. can fill July 4 with this noiseless powder, won’t he be a greater -benefatter to human races than Sir Ike Newton? I require no answer. - - H. T. - - - - -XVI - -CAN AFRICA WAIT TILL MARCH 4TH? - - - SAN FRANCISCO, July 1st. - - _To Editor New York Newspaper who do it like Hon. Sampson & - murder deceptive tigers with ham-bone of a mule._ - -DEAR SIR—In Jambeezi Creek, majistickal river of darky Africa, nervous -tense of suppressed excitement & impatient longing are being enjoyed by -splandid menagerie of brutal beasts & curios residing there. Seldom have -foliage of uncut Nature made such a nice invitation for a distinguished -visitor to come and shoot at it. Seldom in Chicago was such 45-minute -demonstration gave to One Man by a convention of entirely wild animals. -Seldom in history of Nature-fake have Hon. Tom Seton or Hon. John Burro -observed animals doing such behaviour without going to jail. Imagine with -your brain, Mr. Editor, such squeak-rore & bellus of 10,000 elephants -assisted by tigers and other dennisons of forest which has talent for -making noises if nothing else! It are like a suffragette caucus in -winter quarters of Barnum & Bailey; it are the voice of Nature becoming -hoarse with ovation of banzai for the King of the Juggle, a Ramrod among -hunters, the only entirely retired Emporer that ever told the Truth about -Africa at the rate of $2 a word and $4 for hard ones! - -In deeps of juggly forest Mother Elephant set neath cocanuts & hold Baby -Elephant in her arms. - -“What aily you, tender Infant?” she require for worry, brushing back its -goldy locks. - -“Female mother,” he prattle, “what date of calendar do it be?” - -“To-day are Thursday, Aug. 13, by N. Y. _Journal_,” she reclaim for -nervous calm. - -“Ah sad!” sob Hon. Child, winding trunk around neck of its female mother. -“It are such a length of time till!” - -“Till which?” blow-out she. - -“Till March 4th,” remark child, “when Hon. Roosevelt may obtain a -vacation for 4 years & come Africa to shoot Father.” - -“Hush, child,” say Hon. Mother Elephant. “Hon. Roosevelt have got other -large game besides Elephants on his hands. He have got Mr. Taft.” - -“And when Mr. Taft are entirely elected, what then-so?” - -“And then-so your Mother & Father will both receive some very -distinguished shoots from that great mans. And maybe, if you are a very -good little Baby Elephant and do not climb no trees, maybe you too will -get a nice little bullet from Hon. Roosevelt.” - -So Baby Elephant go sleep on shoulder-blade of Mother without no more -lullabys. - - * * * * * - -Among banana trees of river-bank reside Jib-jab, the man-chewing Tiger, -who is a friend of Mr. Kipling’s. He set by bright pooly-water worshiping -his mustash which is bees-wax upward to make look like Emperor Wm. When -along come Jug, the poisoned cober-snake, entirely filled with prussic -acid & sliding along on the seat of his stummick. He are reading Hon. -Kipling’s “Juggle Book” so as learn some nice snake-language for make -welcome speech of Hon. Roosevelt when he arrive. - -“Good morning, Jib-jab,” he say to friend, biting him on tail for playful -salute. “Are Presidential Program collaborately prepare for to be shot -off when Hon. Pres. make arrival?” - -“Of sure it are!” say Tiger with Frank Hitchcock expression. “I have -enjoyed considerable literary correspondence with Hon. Sec. Loeb who make -appointment with me for meet Hon. Roosevelt on date of May 8, 1909, when -I will be entirely shot.” - -“How you do to receive such honour?” snuggle Hon. Snake. - -“On them May 8, 1909, I are instruct to be standing neath cocanuts -with very tigerly expression of angry rage. Growls from me. From -under-bush suddenly leap outly 72 dare-devilish hunters armed to teeth -with photographer’s supplies. _Snap-snap_—I snagger back, riddled with -kodaks. In vainly I endeavour to escape, but ere I can do a sneak I are -surrounded by James Creelman, Jacob Riis, Dave Grame Phillips, Jack -London, Bat Masterson, W. K. Bok, Arthur Brisbane, & other desperate -scouts famous for shooting wild game at 25c a word and 50c for hard ones. -Trembling in 4 lims & tail I am interviewed & compared to Thomas F. Ryan. -All are complete then, except the Finish. - -“Silence suddenly over all Africa. Birds in top-trees cease -tune-whistling. Monkeys in up-twig cease practising after-dinner speeches. - -“Then in the midst of hushes, One Man step forthly. It are. - -“‘Hon. Ted,’ say Hon. Riis, ‘this are Hon. Tige.’ Paw-shakes are did with -exhibitions of teeth from both us. ‘Dee-light!’ say Hon. Roosevelt ($4 -for this word) and step backly to 30 pace. ‘Head little to right, please’ -($10) he dib, and Crack-Jordan rifle are placed to elbow. ‘Bang!’ ($2) -say rifle & I fall down on Africa and give up my sinful soul with a -mean snarl. After them exercises I am entirely skinned & speeches worth -$680 is indulged in averaging from 25c to $4 a word. Since King Midas -died from swallowing his gold teeth no King of Beasts has passed off so -expensively.” - -“Land of sakes!” abjeck Hon. Snake with poison face, “I am filled with -venum to think what famous Brute you will be while I am merely wormly -& equal to zero with a wiggle on it. While you are meeting all them -fashionable literary persons, I must get stepped on & nothing else.” - -“Cease to grouch!” commute Hon. Tige. “If you get industrious & bite -somebody maybe you will get beaten to jello with Big Club, and thusly -have name in newspaper-prints among other noted malefacktors.” - - * * * * * - -My Cousin Nogi, who are enjoying grouchies this week because Miss Furioki -to which he are still married as wife has made a lope with S. Wanda, -Japanese Socialist, come-me and say following for politickal rebuke: - -“On March 4, 1909, scenery of disturbance will shift from Washington to -Africa.” - -“Hon. Roosevelt are very fond of dum animals,” I hob-nob. “They can not -talk back for repartee.” - -“It are a great rest-cure to become an entirely desperate hunter. While -stabbing a tiger it are very difficult to remember party lines & other -ugly liars. Grasping them furyus lepard by juggly vein with cruel eyes -standing on end & teeth firmly planted in shoulder for delicious bite—on -them occasion how tame must seem companionship of E. H. Harriman, Hon. -Fork Tillman, & Hon. Jo Forker!” - -“What-say Hon. Rubbert Burn, famous Scotch, about this?” I reject. -“He-say: - - “Let old acquaintance be forgot - And never brought to mind.” - -At this quotation Sydney Katsu, Jr., make come-in to my room for borrow -toothbrush. - -“What grand American have wrote some light tex-book on angry animals to -be shot in Africa?” he ask-it. - -“Some distinguished African might do this intelligently,” I snuggest for -help. - -“I have perused inside of entire edition of Hon. Booker Washington,” -repose Sydney, “and there I find chapter on ‘Care & Culture of Mules by -Young Coloured Niggers’—and yet he are suspiciously silent about brutal -beasts to be murdered on Jambeezi Creek.” - -“African subjecks is kept very dark by educated Africans,” I drib for -laughing-joke which sound delicious in Japanese. - -“I enjoy considerable puzzle,” corrode Sydney. “If no light books is to -be had about them carnibblous animals of darky Africa, how we know what -expect when Hon. Roosevelt go shoot it?” - -“At $2 a word one may expect anything,” I dib. “Hon. Gulliver wrote -delicious travels for much less.” - -“Hon. Gulliver were a short & ugly tourist,” notate Nogi. - -Then in come Uncle Nichi, my ¼ ancestor, wearing congressional shoes -which irritate his straw-seed appearance of Japanese farmer. He banish in -hand 1 piece tab-paper of which he are foolishly proud. - -“So glad!” he rake-out. “I got here a sweet list of all mad animals what -reside there in dam section of Congo riverside.” - -“Who give you such lists?” I require for shame because he is my bloody -relation. - -“Hon. Strunsky, Irish salooner, who say he has been to all parts of -Africa & Indiana.” - -“Read it, please,” say Sydney Katsu, Jr., who are oftenly polite because -he are not related to Uncle Nichi. - -So Uncle Nichi with jay spectacles read following deceptive list of -brutal beasts to be shot from foliage of Africa by persons what sees them: - - _Piebrock_—a six-legged steer what subsist on malt beveridges - which he take through a straw because he have no teeth. He - pulls corks with a horn which grows from the back of his - neck. He can be easily told from a _fagdoo_ because he are - a different animal. He are fond of distinguished visitors - and enjoys Washington gossip when entirely pure; but he are - seriously dangerous when bored. When pursued he swallows his - feet-prints, thus concealing his identity. Scarce during - Presidential Years. - - _Yelk_—a species of pantomome, full of delicious flavours, - but awful hostile when killed. You can easily tell him from - other kinds of horse because he have a head on both ends, so - he appear to be approaching when backing off. He often lead - hunters to doom by his kind expression. - - _Ook_—same as a yelk with smooth corners. - - _Hawbuck_—this are the only kind of cow that sleeps in trees. - He are a very economickal mammal. When hungry he lays a dozen - eggs and eats them. Hunters is warned not to shoot this brute - in the eyes, because he ain’t got any and enjoys great rages - when reminded of it. To kill him, tickle him in soles of - feet so he will get mad & spit out his heart. His habits are - valvular & conjunctive. He is just as apt to be found in Africa - as anywhere else. - - _Tum-tum_—a very small camel used by natives to hunt rats. He - do this by—— - -“Kindly cut-out!” dib Nogi for shocked expression, “if Hon. Roosevelt -should heard you he would place your photo in his Roguish Gallery and you -would be celled in Liars’ Row until called for.” - -“Would it not be graceful act for mail this list to Hon. Loeb?” say -Unc with second-child expression. “Hon. Roosevelt might avoid such -callackerous beasts if he knew about them.” - -“He might, but would he?” is reject from all Japanese Boys present. - - * * * * * - -Mr. Editor, already lull of Great White Peace are settling over -Washington. Hon. Roosevelt find himself with nothing to say and Hon. Taft -are saying it to satisfaction of Republican Party. All is quiet along -the Patomack to-night except now and then a stray rebate is shot, as it -runs toward the Court of Appeals, by a rifleman hid behind the Treasury -Building. The world are being run from Oyster Bay, and everybody are -so happy & contented, thank you, that Hon. Newspapers is reviewing the -Thaw case because they ain’t got nothing disagreeable to talk about. The -Greatest Man in America set among sagamores & gaze with eyebrows to shore -of beautiful Connecticut - - Where every prospect pleases - And only politicks is rotten. - -“All work & no play make Kermit a dull boy,” he-say for deelight. “I are -considerable darn tired of bearing America on my neck. I fain for to -recreate. I fain to get something free & easy like frollicking from velt -to kop at dewey eve snagging lightly in my teeth the following trophies -of the chase: - - 1 gentleman elephant consisting of 6 tons & tusks. - - 2 Royal Bangor tigers of cross disposition. - - 8 ooks & a hawbuck resembling a feather boa. - - 21 wild Boers. - - 3 ground squirrils. - -“African elephant,” say Hon. T., “are more superior to Republican -elephant because he are entirely wild and free and refuse to pile tariff -planks for no Trusts.” - - * * * * * - -So on March 4th, Mr. Editor, Africa will receive what are coming that -way. When front door of White House are enlarged to carriage entrance for -the Greatest Figure in the Party, from back door of that kingly place -gentleman with elephant gun will rough-walk away followed by Kermit with -a hatchet to cut off their heads. Can any bright Japanese Schoolboy win a -prize by guessing name of them departing? - - The tumble & the spouting dies, - The Congress and the King depart— - So ends the Constant Exercise: - Now let the Expedition start! - -With waggly regards from O-Fido. - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - -XVII - -THE HON. GASOLENE - - - SAN FRANCISCO, July 5th. - - _To Editor New York Newspaper, celebrated for its Nationality - and nice printing._ - -DEAR SIR—What say Hon. Galileo when enjoying execution by ax? He say, -“This World do move!” Then neck-chop ensue to interrupt that great -thought at wind-pipe. If Japanese Boy was there he would enquire to -know, “What do move this World, please?” Answer for this reply is: “Hon. -Gasolene do!” - -One quaint American proverb say, “Where there is Smoke there is Blazes.” -This is especially truthful about Pittsburgh. Yet how much more -proverbial it would be to say it, “Where there is Smell there is Speed.” -I know because! - -Mr. Editor, I do not possess of my ownership any automobiles, but my -cousin Nogi gave me acquaintance to Hon. G. W. Yosho, celebrated coachman -for all tour-cars. This Yosho wear rubber uniform of Japanese Field -Marshal. He appear to look like Marquis Oyama, but is much more important -about it. I reverence him because he have killed several Americans and -some Christians. - -“Hon. Yosho,” I collapse with Japanese salute, “nobody not yet have -invited me to ride in one.” - -“Maybe so it might,” he subdivide with forgetful expression. - -“Do automobiles make persons civilized?” I require for answer. - -“Ask the Motor Man!” signify this Hon. Yosho making buzz-buzz of -machinery and disappear with considerable odour. Soonly I hope to become -a dear acquaintance to this Yosho who would be a very nice friend for -chumb. - -Next I go to livery stable where automobiles is kept. There I met Motor -Man who suspect me of being Japanese Count ambitious to buy one. I become -immediately deceptive. He suffocate me with international courtesy. He -show me several tour-cars of delicious machinery. - -“How much for price of red automobile?” I enquire to know. - -“Red automobile is $8,000 by price, Mr. Count,” he collapse with -politeness. - -“How much for price of green automobile?” I ask for haughty reply. - -“Green automobile is $2,000 for price, Hon. Sir,” he dictate for -reverence. - -[Illustration: “There I meet Motor Man who ... suffocate me with -international courtesy”] - -“Quite well,” I retrograde. “Then paint red automobile green and Japanese -Boy will take it for $2,000.” - -This Motor Man hesitate to do. So he donate to me one cigar of value 25c -and we enjoy a very elaborate interview about Hon. Gasolene which is -a wonderfully civilized drug. By ancient history, say this Motor Man, -Hon. Gasolene was a very hummbel medicine. It was principally useful for -removing raspberries from gloves and could be employed in cook-stoves -for explosions. Gasolene was next discovered to be one nice chemical for -insurance. This gave it publick interest which made it necessary for all -forms of motor. (“What is home without a motor?” require little Annie -Anazuma, who have a flashy mind for 9 year age.) - -Gasolene is so easy to distinguish from cologne that it appear deceptive. -“Though lost to sight to memory strong” and “Gone, but not forgotten” -was once fashionable for funerals. Them remarks is now mostly heard at -automobile races. - -Hon. Gasolene will make great civilization for future, say Motor Man. -Niagara Falls will be runned by this fuel, machinery of Congress will go -by gasolene-motor, farmers will turn horse-stable into garage and gather -hay by gasolene. Warfare of future, say Motor Man, will be shot off by -Hon. Gasolene. Japanese imperial Horse Guards on prancing motor-cycles -will make desperation of charge on Gen. Kouropatkin with light runabout -division on left wing while automobile batteries from hills will make -considerable banzai with Shimose powder & fireworks. By shot & shell, -shout-call, enjoyment of death & wounds, long red line of touring-cars -will charge from trenches while all day long them commissary-buggies -will make hurry-up trip to firing-line to bring more gasolene from Army -Canteen. Japanese air-navy of fly-machines will do something, too, -probably, with them 1,000 horsepower aromatic engines. O such delightful -banzai! Fierce honking from all sides, sharp report of punctuated -tires—Nippon forever! On, men of Nagasaki! Let us shed last drop of -gasolene for home & garage. - -This is future warfare by Hon. Gasolene. What say Hebrew Prophet? “He -smelleth the battle from away off and he yelleth ‘O my!’” - -This Motor Man tell me some serious truth about Hon. Gasolene when -took internally by victims. It is a very habitual drug like cocktails, -cocaine, opium-smoke and Peruna. When continually enjoyed by human -interior it make result of one very nervous disease what hon. -doctor-book call _locomobile ataxia_. When you have got this sickness, -Mr. Editor, you will know it by following course of symptoms: - - 1—When tour-carring on roadway you suddenly find out you are - too slow. - - 2—You mortgage on home to buy something of swift red colour. - - 3—You are greedy to break it. You break record, speed-law & - crank-shaft in short period. Then you break neck and quit it. - - 4—You go to hospital to forget wife & child. - - 5—You deceive doctor by honking yourself to death. - -If you have done them symptoms, Mr. Editor, you had better worry, because -you are a ill person. - - * * * * * - -One great sporty event is now approaching to Pacific Coast by inches. It -is that trip of horse-racing automobiles travelling by snow-plough from -New York to Paris. Them automobiles is quite international and has been -froze to death in four languages already. They expects to enjoy Alaska & -Siberia in the same way. Shuddering is unpleasant to such heroes. - -Sydney Katsu, Jr., Japanese dentistry, desire to make bet-sum of money -with me for $1. I am an entirely sporting Japanese, Mr. Editor. I am -willing to risk enormous sum of money if I am sure I can be able to get -it back with interest at some proper percentage. I am disagreeable about -any bet what is a speculation; but I am recklus about gambling when it is -a good investment. Therefore, what car will win? America car is now most -patriotic about getting ahead—yet what would happen to my money if that -automobile should enjoy train-wreck while going over Rocky Mountains in -Pullman car? - -I follow this race for one weektime by press-notice and get these -excitable items to inclose for you: - - _Monday_—American car drawn by Hon. Bill Pirkins’ tame mare - “Florence” forges 101 yards through snow-drift. - - _Tuesday_—Italian-speaking car, driven by 2-mule-power borrowed - from Hon. Rube Brown, make entry to Paris, Neb. - - _Wednesday_—Italian mules pass American 1-horse-power mare. - - _Thursday_—American snow-plow “Governor Hughes” set pace for - all comers. - - _Friday_—Hay is distributed along racecourse by gallant - American troups so that motor-power can stop for lunch. - - _Saturday_—French car “Motor-Block” discovered in Chicago - speaking the language. - -“How will them motoring-cars go it in Alaska where horses is scarce to -find?” Sydney Katsu, Jr., enquire for tip. - -“Dogs is very obliging as beast of burden in them arctick,” I relapse. -“In Siberia reindeers of very high gear is pleasant for automobiling.” - -“Large supplies of Hon. Gasolene is necessary for such trip,” say that -light-mind Sydney. - -“Large supply of Hon. Oats is more better for fuel,” I relapse with -American eye-wink. - -Please enjoy this poetry which I make to look like it: - - -_DREAM WHICH FOLLOWED ESTEEMED DOUGHNUTS I ATE_ - - O-MOTO-SAN, O-LOCO-SAN, - My soul is agreeable tonight! - Am I? It seems to be I am reclining - Among the Irish-flowers of dear Japan, - Such fragral! - Birds is songing from memory, - Breezes is also there to some extent; - Japanese Boy is there by moonlight - To naturally take it pleasantly— - And yet he do not!! - O why, then? Because this: - Mountain Fujiyama is setting on his breastbone expecting to remain for - conversation about topicks. - Japanese Boy is very polite to this Fuji - Because it is entirely holy. - So he speak gentle, - Gentle like cockroaches waltzing on Brussels carpets. - “O Fuji,” dictate this Boy, - “You are too elderly to mention, place of thundering climate & sacred - mildew, nice peak for sublime thought, also for Hon. Tourist to pay - guide make walk-up— - Excuse me, please, when I express it - How I feel you was more better been - Where you was than where you is. - Therefore I hint you get from off - From my collarbone, if convenient!” - But Fuji, important hill, - Make rumbling from fire in nose. - “Togo,” he say, - “You know what about Japan? - It have got one new god to run everything!” - “What called is this diety person?” I collapse. - “He is called Hon. Gasolene,” say Fuji. - (I make American eye-wink) - “Prior gods of Japan led Simply Life, - Water God turn wheel, - Air God blow sail, - Fire God bake potatoes— - Then what say-so Japan? - ‘Too slow!!’ - Japan say, ‘Look what’s there! - Why do America wheel - Go buzz-around so fastly? - How she do-it make Waterbury watch - Including soap and other civilization? - How she do-it which make Marquis of St. Louis - Speed-away all time - In red chug-chug jinrikisha?’ - Then answer one great Japanese scientist, - ‘Gasolene, please!’ - With such result,” deject O-Fujiyama, - “Japan get hurry-off-do-quick - Bang-up, slam-down, bust-trust excitement. - Temple bells is rung by steam, - Shrines of ancestors whistle like factory, - Gods of Japan is buying tickets for Nirvana— - So long for all them happy history, - Fare-bye, times of dear gone off! - Japan is getting too smart - For old fashion Volcano.” - With such say-so - Hon. Fujiyama kick Japanese Boy - Outside of his dream. - - Wake to dawn-rise, Japanese Boy, - Eject yourself to duty of day! - Morn has came - And hymn of praise is telling about it from 85c alarm clock and doing - so quite well, thank you! - -Once more to speak of crime and then not to mention Gasolene again. -I hear by editorial print how 12,000,000 mans has been arrested in -automobiles for past year. All forms of burglary, including murder & -assassination, has been much less arrested than this. Therefore it prove -how sinful is automobiles. - -American society is divided into two sharp classes with police between -them. Them who has automobiles is called Predatory Rich, them who has not -is called Propaganders. When Socialism is elected each person will have 1 -automobile; but them machinery will be out of style by then-time. Such a -discouraging thought to enjoy! - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - -S. P.—I enquire to know from my Cousin Nogi, “Why is automobiles painted -blue?” - -“To distinguish them from horses which is seldom found in them fast -colours,” collapse that idle Japanese. - -Is this scientifick fact? - - H. T. - - - - -XVIII - -AMERICA’S BASE GAME OF BALL - - - SAN FRANCISCO, July 9th. - - _To Editor New York Newspaper which have no Sporty Column and - are careless about Which Lickt in Prize Fite exercises, yet are - willing to report all Human Races._ - -DEAREST SIR—Uncle Nichi recently-time make home-come with extra pink -sporty edition of last week New York newspaper-print. He-say, “I buy it -because it are a blush-colour to resemble Hon. Police Gazat, sweet family -paper.” - -On them sporty-page, Mr. Editor, was considerable chatter-talk about -baseballing and other crimes left over from front page. There I learn-how -one N. Y. gentleman of name McGraw have “discovered two new stars” and -I are glad, because Astronomy are a nice knowledge to revere; but when -I read “Hon. McGraw have broken a fresh Pitcher” I enjoy tense disgust. -Why such excitement about a milkman which are nothing but a Swede born in -Switzerland? - -Sporty Editor of this paper make a very kind offer by large tipe. He-say, - - _“Eech reader of this Page what got a Question to ask it about - Baseballing, please do so & we endeavor to reply if possibly - can-do.”_ - -So I am very grateful to him & send following Bally question about a Game -I seen & got worried: - -“Please, when Hon. Knock batt Hon. Ball with knock-stick till it make -streek to sky & of finally lower itself followed by Second Basso & 3 -Herders while Hon. Knock make running from Bass to Bass & Hon. Ball -come more lowly and still lower till 2 Herders hold uply their hands -for grabb & downd come Ball & aint caught because someone negleckt to -(great rory-yall from bleached seats) so Hon. Knock he gallop-to Thirdly -Bass while all struggly to grasp Ball which do a bounce with deceptive -expression & Hon. Knock stob toe & fall paralell while running, so Hon. -Catch get Ball & hasten with it to where it started from—how much would -such a Play count for both sides?” - -To-day I receive following reply: - - _“Your intelligent letter was read by our Puzzle Editor who is - dangerously dead.”_ - -Yoni Hashimoto, Japanese boot-cobble, have gone entirely mania on subjeck -of Baseballing. He oftenly speaks of White Sox and Giants with voice, -and many Japanese Boys supposes he is right. Of recently he come me with -National League expression of teeth to say it. - -“Togo, we are gathering up a Japanese baseball 9 for play with.” - -“How many must be in such a 9?” I ask to know. - -“About 15 are sufficiently numberous,” expose Yoni. “There must be 1 -Catch, 1 Stopper, 3 Bassos, 1 Pitch—” - -(“A Pitch in time saves a Nine,” I report for cute smart quotation.) - -“Also 3 Knockers and 6 Herders.” - -“What are duties for them Herders, if they got any?” is query I make. - -“Herders is most skilful of all ballplays,” parade Yoni. “They must -be able to play inside & outside of Grounds. They must be fearless -fence-climbers & able to arrive over before Hon. Ball do. They must be -reckless about colleckting Ball on 3d or 4th bounce when all others can’t -do-so. Lots of teams loses entire games because they has not got enough -of them Herders.” - -“If you gather up such a Japanese team who would play with it?” I subsist. - -“Some Christian team perhapsly,” corrode Yoni. - -“Ah not to do!” I dib. “Christian teams is too busy bursting Sabbath -among themselves to do baseballing with such a heathens like us.” - -“What to do for a challenge?” submit poor Yoni Hashimoto with entirely -daff expression. - -So I go-see Hon. Strunsky, Irish salooner, & I say him, - -“Who would be suitable team for play-ball with Japanese Schoolboy 9?” - -“Old Soldiers Home might do so,” say he rolling beer-kag. - -“Is them Old Soldiers athletick?” I require for answer. - -“They are entirely cripples,” say Strunsky. “But they are still -sufficiently brisk to run circles around such a Japanese 9 what you -mention.” - -“Are running in circles a necessary skill to do in baseballing?” is next -question for me, but Hon. Strunsky no can answer because a U. S. soldier -arrive filled with drunk & tell how he got a superior brain to most other -Irish. - -So I go tell this Yoni man about them Old Soldiers Home what Hon. -Strunsky say might be sufficiently athletick. Yoni he go get talefone -book and search up residence of such a Elderly home & he find one in -Oakland. So sorry I no could go, but I must assist geraniums of Mrs. Lusy -Macdonald, queenly lady of 286 pound beauty. But Yoni with entirely -yellow baseball 9 composed of 15 Japanese, depart off by noontime -ferryboat. Following was on it: - - Hon. Pitch—S. Wanda, Japanese socialist. - - Hon. Catch—A. Kickahajama, missionary boy. - - Hon. Stopper—Bunkio Saguchi. - - Hon. 1st Basso—W. Furo, whose brother is still dead. - - Hon. 2d Basso—Yoni Hashimoto, Japanese boot-cobble. - - Hon. 3d Basso—Cousin Nogi. - - Hon. 1st Knocker—Sydney Katsu, Jr., who suppose he can. - - Hon. 2d Knocker—Y. Yakamoto, familiar haircut. - - Hon. 3d Knocker—Frank the Japanned boot-polish. - - 6 Hon. Herders—F. Sago, R. Sanjuji, J. C. Shima, B. Ohara, B. - Shimasuki, and a Japanese who call himself Charley Smith to get - a job in bank. - -Uncle Nichi, who do not understand sufficient baseballing to do so, were -permitted to go long & keep score, also do what fanning was necessary. - - * * * * * - -By evening-time Cousin Nogi come back looking tired but entirely -experienced. - -“Who beat it in this game?” were first question for me. - -“When you knows you will understand,” dignify Nogi. “Following were the -Score: - - “Japanese Schoolboys 48 - Old Soldiers Home 103” - -“It must be very fine game to have such a large score,” I snaggle. - -“We merely play 5 Inns,” say Nogi. “Them Elderly Vets was just beginning -to get active when twilight arrived. If game was continued to finish them -Hon. Score would of got several thousands extra.” - -“Tell me entire story of the game,” I collapse patiently. - -“It was in second Inn,” debat Nogi for Jack London expression. “Score -were then 12 to minus in flavour of the Japanese. Hon. Pitch for Old -Soldiers were Capt. Hirum Jones, oldly hero who lost right arm in battle -of Shylock.” - -“How can a hero be a baseball Pitch when he lost his arm?” are my earnest -enquire. - -“His left arm were still entirely there,” dib Nogi. “With this he make -some very gentle throws. I am next to go batt. I stand uply with brave -expression & when Hon. Ball come soring to me I make fierce knock. Ball -go to heaven with loud report. (Maddy banzai from Uncle Nichi who was -there to fan it.) I make 4 entire home-runnings before them Hon. Vets -could find Ball which was roosting in a tree. Then I am put entirely out -& Hon. Vets enjoy a Inn.” - -Nogi make trajick puff with cigar. - -“Hon. Jeremiah Willkins, a sweet soldier who lost 2 legs in Battle of -Bully Run, next go batt. He were a very nice knocker, so when he hit -ball for high sore he attempt to approach 2d Bass, but are deliciously -slow, thank you, because of footlus condition. W. Furo grabb ball quickly -& Hon. Umperor yall ‘Out, please!’ When Uncle Nichi hear this he cry -for sorrow, ‘O! not to do! what brutal Umperor to put oldy man outside -because he lost 2 legs!’ Intense sensations for all Japanese present. S. -Wanda, Japanese socialist, approach Hon. Willkins with polite hat. ‘Hon. -Sir,’ he say-so, ‘permit me for hellup you make home-run,’ So Wanda, -assisted by Bunkio Saguchi & Sydney Katsu, Jr., give helluping aid to -Hon. Willkins for 5 home-runs, when he say he are tired so he set down. - -“After that,” say Nogi, “it were a very pleasant outing for them Hon. -Vets. Eech Old Soldier what go batt are some kind of a delicious -cripple & other hon. wounds, so we must also aid _him_ to enjoy several -home-runs.” - -“How long this loving attention go on?” I ask to know. - -“Bye-bye darkness fall & dinner-bell from Elderly Hero Establishment -announce quit-time for all. So handclasp were enjoyed with 3-cheer -ceremony & we go ferry-boat.” - -“103 runs were a hard afternoon for such oldy mans,” I snuggest. - -“It were a splandid lesson in politeness for all National Leagues,” -corrugate Nogi. - -“It were a splandid lesson in bookkeeping for Uncle Nichi who kept -score,” was answer for Japanese Schoolboy. - -Please print following rhythm for practice: - - -_FANATICAL POEM ABOUT ICHI-BAN, AN ANTIQUE ROOT_ - - Ichi-ban - Of Old Japan - He were a famous Baseball Fan— - PIN-PIN - Come in! - He ust to skreech, - He ust to preech - And set for hours upon the Bleech - With howels - & growels - And when the Home Team missed a play them swaring-words he ust to say - was very noted in his day from Fujiyama to Cathay. - He knowed the score - And something more - Of every Team what Pennants bore - In days that was entirely yore. - He knowed the batting-records, too, - Of Hokasai & Tingapu— - O-SAN, O-SAN! - A wildly fan - Was Ichi-ban of Old Japan. - - Now Ichi-ban - Them famous man - He stay at Baseball Grounds so long - His Wife she feel there something wrong - Because her husband been away - For 60-night & 60-day. - She very cross. And so, of course, - She go and buy 1 nice divorce - And when it was entirely got - She sell the family house & lott - And runny way from Ichi-ban - With Kokomo, a railroad man. - So all the neighbors they suppose, - “When Ichi-ban come home & knows - What trajick have occur to him - He tare his Wife from lim to lim.” - - So K. Batsu, - A neighbor true, - To Baseball Ground he straightly go - For tell poor Ichi-ban what-so; - But Ichi-ban, who still was there, he gaz ahead with fixy stare, - sometime a snort, sometime a sware, but otherwise what do he care? - “Your wife,” say Batsu, “run away.” - But Ichi-ban just snuff & say, - “The Pitcher very punk today.” - Say Batsu, “Worser news I got— - Your Wife have stole your house & lott— - It are a very wrong disgrace.” - Say Ichi-ban with fixy face, - “That nothing!—man just stole 3d Base.” - So Batsu, when them words he hear, - Enjoy some sympathy & fear, - “I sorry, friend, what grief have came——” - “Cut out!” say Ich, “you spoil the game.” - So Batsu for them heartless speech - Leave Ichi-ban upon the Bleech - To snorty sporty howly screech, - To hooty tooty rooty squawk - In latest style of Baseball Talk. - - So Ichi-ban, all world forgot, - Stay 7-year in that same spot. - He lose his friends, improve his voice - And live on Peanuts & rejoice - Til one day when the Home Team beat - He got some spasms in his feet - Which gave such banzais to his tongue - He die by shouting up a lung. - - So on his Tomb to-day for see - Some Tourists finds this Repartee: - “Ichi-ban - Of Old Japan - Were just a average Baseball Fan - PIN-PIN - Come-in!” - -Hoping you will, - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - -XIX - -IS A VICE-PRES NEARLY A KING? - - - SAN FRANCISCO, July 12th. - - _Editor New York Newspaper which are responsible for - everything._ - -DEAR SIR—Noted Greek patriot, Erysipelas, were once offered job of Street -Cleaning Department in Athens, Greece, which was then in a very insane -state of dirt. Intimides, Mayor of Athens, offer him this job for a -insult, because it was. How useless however! - -“Ah!” commute them Erysipelas, “I will took such a publick jobs & show -what a elegant muck-sweep I can do.” - -So he done it by history. - -Mr. Editor, some patriot of America should become like Hon. Erysipelas -& be a Vice-President without doing a sulk. To be a Vice-President are -like such a Street Cleansing job, only it are more hummbel. He are -like a street-sweeper without a broom. He are not permitted to carry -turkey-dusters or other dangerous fire-arms. He are placed in a very -high seat & commanded to set there 4 years enjoying silences. Raking, -brooming & dusting are a forbid. If he are caught trying to wipe cobwebs -off of Senate with silk handkerchief he are given a upbraid. He enjoy -very hopeless position—and yet he might do something for somebody some -days. If he start young being a Vice-President might he not work up to -good position by this? Might he not, by eventual time, get a job being 3d -secretary to German Embassy or clerk in Subtreasury Dept? - -I ask for anxiety. - -I have just-but & recently become sad about Vice-Presidents. Formerly I -imagined it were pretty nice kind of grandeur. Some weeks past-time I -hear wildly news & go with run-step to saloon of Hon. Strunsky who thinks -politically because he are Irish. - -“Hon. Jim Sherman got it!” I collapse for excitement. - -“Who in politicks are Jim Sherman?” require Hon. Strunsky. - -“He are man what was nominate,” I snagger. - -“Nominate for what?” crossly examine him. - -“For Vice-President,” I rapture. - -“O!” say Hon. Strunsky and continue to wipe beer from glass. - -I enjoy falling of face. - -“Are not Vice-Presidency almost a kingly job?” I ask to know. - -“Almost,” degrade Strunsky with towel. - -“What you mean by ‘almost’?” I research. - -“By ‘almost’ I mean ‘nearly,’” irritate that Irish patriot. “When a thing -are ‘almost good’ it are ‘nearly bad,’” he dib. “When I chase a ferryboat -and almost catch it, that do not help me much about arriving to Oakland -in time for German banquit. A Vice-Pres are a statesman what have nearly -caught the Ship of State.” - -“Situation of Vice-President were offered to many Favourite Sons,” I -regret. - -“It were refused by many Favourite Sons,” say Strunsky, “but it were -accepted by a Political Orphan.” - -So I leave that Strunsky enjoying feel of considerable depress near -shoulder-blade. I have a slammed ideal. Such a useless to young mans -studying bookkeeping & stenography of hope to become President some day! -It are awfully well to make walk-up by stairway of Fame—but supposing for -imagination that foot slipped? Ah then! Japanese Boy might get downdy -tumble to be a Vice-President or some other equal crime. - -Soonly I meet up with my Uncle Nichi, who are taking lessons in American -cigar smoking from Cousin Nogi. My dear ¼ ancestor are permitted to -discuss about Hon. William Jenny Bryan because of reverence for ancient -history. - -“Hon. Thos. Lawson of Mass. have offer $1,000,000 to Hon. Bryan to take -it and be a Vice-President,” say-he for news. - -“That price would be considerable circulation for _The Commutor_, Hon. -Bryan’s newspaper,” I collide. “But could Hon. Bryan do so much for so -little?” - -“Honour of such office are beyond goldy riches,” dib Uncle who is a -farmer. - -“Honour of such office are beyond caring for,” I notify for editorial -sneers. - -“Was not Hon. Roosevelt once a Vice-President?” corrode that relationship -of mine. - -“Many poor boys has became famous,” I supine. “Hon. Lincoln once splitted -rails, Hon. Gen. Grant once deliver kindling. Sometimes a Vice-President, -by willing-work industry can lift self from mean & sordy surroundings -which he is in to position of self-respect & desensy.” - -“What are duties of Vice-Pres, if he got any?” project that oldy man. - -“Following duties,” I say, “must be did by him to make everything -pleasant, etc.: - - 1—He must be polite to superiors which is almost everybody - around Washington. He will get great dissatisfaction if he - ain’t. - - 2—He must have neat appearance, including brushed clothes - & hair. He must not come down to work without a collar on - his neck. Hon. Speaker of House can be very second-handed in - appearance & can eat chew-tobacco before all; but Hon. Pres of - Senate should be at least respectable. - - 3—He must go to work sharply by 8 o’clock each weekly day. - Sunday evenings he can entertain quiet callers in his room. - - 4—He must address Cabinet Members by their full title, if they - got it. - - 5—He must not be seen talking with friends in hallways or - lobbies. - - 6—He must not swear or wear profane neckties. - - 7—He must be white-coloured American citizen entirely over 21 - years age & must be able to write his name in plain business - hand. - -“Them is duties what a gentleman must do to be a nice Vice-Pres of these -U. S.,” I announce it. - -“Can not anybody do them jobs without enjoying a strain?” ask Uncle Nichi -who is a bore. - -“Anybody can do them for a short time,” I dib. “But man what can do them -for 4 years without some serious side-steps must be a great hero to some -extent.” - -“Such a mans is considerably limited by law,” abstract-he. - -“Either by law or by nature,” I notate for yawns. - -(It shall be my duty to make some weep with eye when Uncle Nichi depart -away for dear Japan; and yet I shall live beyond such sorrow.) - - * * * * * - -Mr. Editor, I have a sad mania about that Vice-President. All American -school-books say: “Office of President are highest gift within power of -people—office of Vice-President are next door to it.” Office-rent should -be very high & stylish in such good neighbourhood. - -What, then, is the matter with this office that so many respectable & -wealthy statesmen refuses to move in? Are gas-pipes in bad condition? Do -plumbing need attention to? Are Hon. janitor careless about hot & cold -water? Or what? - -When Hon. Real Estate man have a office what nobody will took he decorate -it up with wall-paper, etc., to look rich. Pretty soonly somebody will -be careless & take it. Are not U. S. Government splandid enough business -man to repair Vice-President office so that it will not look so dubyus? I -require no answer. - -I am injured in nerve to see so many grand Americans regarding that _To -Let_ sign with eye-wink. Yet what-say following Statesmen about it? - -Hon. Cannon say: “I shall be old with dignity.” - -Hon. Fairbanks say: “I have tried it, thank you.” - -Hon. Hughes say: “It are a hall-room.” - -Hon. Haze Hammond say: “Too much salary for repairs.” - -Hon. Nox say: “I can hide elsewheres.” - -I am confused by such proud answers. To Sydney Katsu, Jr., I inquire: -“I can not understand why persons refuses gifts what is offered to take -free.” - -“Sometimes it is done,” he reject coy. - -“Presidency of U. S. are greatest gift of American people. Therefore it -are like a barrel filled with diamonds. If I could not got such a jewlery -should I not be gleeful to accept a barrel filled with gold?” is question -for me. - -“You might,” negotiate Sydney, “but you might have shyness about -accepting such a barrel if it was filled with gold-bricks.” - -Sydney are a very bright Japanese soon to go Harvard Colledge for learn -more of it. - -Here is a slight lullaby to be chanted to children when they are pained -by tooth-cut and therefore anxious about their politickal futures: - - -_ROCKAWAY CRADLE SONG_ - - Hush, Mr. Infant child, - Cease it! - Do not irritate your Parent with croup-signals and fret, - Or else do it silently. - Remain harmless a while - And I will make bright promuses - Of future, - Which you must believe - Because you are less intelligent. - - When you are a mans - You must not strive - To be President, - Because you can’t. - You are not sufficiently beautiful, - You are less gifted; - How could child of such weak brain like you - Get familiar with White House furniture - And move Cabinets around? - You have not got no Policies, - You could not even scold a Colledge President! - Useless to hope!! - But refrain them tear-drop - Because I got very nice job for you. - - Hush, Mr. Infant child, - Repress a croup— - I will make you a gilt promus - For future dates. - Some bye-bye time - If you are always notable for quiet, - Never snap-out, - Never burst windows, - Never run away to study sea-sailing, - Never make bronco-noise - And Wild West, - Never do nothing to nobody - At no time— - Ah!!! - Your loving Parent have got a nice politickal reward for you! - Maybe-so - - At Chicago Convention - Of 1940 - When shouting are finished, - Excitement are discontinued, - Taft-flags has been all bursted by waving, - Everybody are fatigued out - And Hon. Delegates are counting return tickets while sleeping— - Then Hon. Fame, or Hon. Albany Gang, - Or Somebody, - Will point you out in dark corner - And declaim for earnestness, - “Accept this tag— - You are It!” - Then soonly on slate will be wrote: - - _For Vice-President Hon. Hushabye Baby_ - - Applause from many ushers, - Yawns from all; - You will get picture in papers - And American Publick will decry: - “He got a face like a Trust.” - - So dream yet, - Childish infant, - And we will see what we can do - About your future employment. - -Mr. Editor, I notice something pathetick by all newspaper-prints. I -notice how all say: “Hon. Roosevelt when he refuse to be a President 3 -times made a act of noble renunciation.” But what they say about Hon. -Fairbanks when he refuse to be a Vice-President 2 times? They say -nothing! And yet were it not also a “noble act of renunciation” for that -lofty statesman to refuse another run because he were afraid of becoming -too powerful? Of sure it was! Hon. Fairbanks are a very Roman character -by principals & by residence in Indiana. If Hon. Roosevelt can be noble, -then Hon. Fairbanks can be noble also—and yet newspaper children do not -make holler about it in streets. Hon. Fairbanks must feel pretty fine -inside chest to think how he done a great deed & was a marter without -nobody discovering or even suspecting it. - -Hon. Washington say-so that a perpetual President would be a King. What -would a perpetual Vice-President be then? Please answer by 2c stamp which -I have forgotten to put in. - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - -XX - -MY CONCEPTION OF THE PRESIDENCY - - - SAN FRANCISCO, July 25th. - - _To Editor New York Newspaper which are eeger to make a fare - judge for thoughts of all Great Mans, however sneeking & - hummbel they may be:_ - -DEAR SIR—At same moment while I are inking these thoughts for fond -reminder, two somewhat immortal Americans is listening for formal -announcement that they are expected to be Presidents. They have got a -slight suspicion that maybe they was mentioned for some job, but it would -be very bad tasty for them to look otherwise than surprise when Hon. -Committee with flours make step-up and say-out, “You are a Nominate!” - -Hon. Taft are at Warm Springs training for strength so that he will not -die a shocky death when he learn this suddenly. At humbel village of -Lincoln, Neb., where Hon. Bryan live like a Grand Duke of simple taste, -that eminent representator of Common Persons set by bay-window enjoying -nervous collapse. - -“Set quiet, Hon. Wm., and look courageous like a photo,” say Hon. Wife -to be. “Tumult & shouting die and who knows what?” “I are strangely -disturb,” say Wm., arranging his face to look like a famous Roman -janitor. “Something tell me that maybe I are nominate to highest office -in gift of Tammany Hall. Pretty soonly Hon. Committee must come riding -up-hill to say it, and I hope they will be darnly quick about it. At -first I must be astonished speechless—but I can seldom remain long in -such a conditions. I must hesitate & comprise myself with slightly -cracked voice for emotion, then I must read typewritten address of -280,000 words of a entirely impromptu nature. O surely Politicks is -filled with surprises!” - -Mr. Editor, some weeks in passed-by Hon. Taft & Hon. Bryan wrote a -delicious page of large tipe for your paper on subjeck, “My Conception -of the Presidency.” Of surely them two Presidents know what-is they are -talking about. Speeches of Hon. Taft is found in rolls of Fame, and -speeches of Hon. Bryan is found in rolls of Edison Phonograf. And yet -there was something deceptive & sidewise about them articles they wrote -for your paper because they sounded so. Hon. Taft say: - - A President should be like Hon. Roosevelt, only less so. He - should be like a piano of upright build with some grand square - qualities. He should be the First Magistrate and also the - Principal Policeman in the kingdom. He should be good as he - are lonesome. He should treat all Trusts in a beastly manner - and uphold Truth & Justice so long as it do not hurt National - Prosperity. I shall do all these things, thank you, orders - promptly attended to, telephone service day & night. Also I - shall look just as much like Hon. Abe Lincoln as health & - strength will permit me to do it. - -Hon. Bryan say: - - A President should be like Hon. Theodore Roosevelt only more - so. Malefactors, etc., needs not cringe off from me for fearful - that I will burn up America when I am elected. Because I can’t. - A President are only a bluff. He don’t amount to a rolling-pin. - Hon. American Govt. are a system of checks & balances, so a - President are deliciously powerless when he wish to reform - it. I promise to be helpless as possible. Could I reform Hon. - Currancy from jaggy path of debochery by feeding him Gold Cure - or something? Ah no! What could I do with them naughty Currency - when Senator Alrich are tempting him away with rakish eye-wink? - To increase weakness of my position I am willing to consult - Hon. Vice-President on all matters of no importance and talk - kindly to him on National subjecks where common-sense are not - expected. I believe in deep breathing & outdoor exercise, but - I are cross about that woolley tariff of sheep and should be - insulted if offered a second term. Otherways I are willing to - act like a Majority on all occasions and what I think about - Brownsvill Affair are a matter of private conscience which I - refuse to discuss by advice of Hon. Campaign Manager. - -Mr. Editor, I entertain some scolds for you. How sinful to ask them -there Hon. Candidates to write such opinions! When a man expect to be -a President do you expect him to tell the candied truth about what he -think of the job? When a man are nominate for Dog Catcher he are often -sly and deceptive before election—how then you expect a Nominee for Pres. -of the U. S. to make crystal speeches which might be saw through at once -and spoil everything? Nobody what are wistful about a job will tell exact -truth about what he think. If I ask for job of Hon. Window Wash at Mills -Bldg & Janitor Boss say: “Hashimura, told me transparently what you think -of this job”—what I answer for reply? I-say: “It are a very delicate -job of extreme fineness. It are a high-horse privilege for Japanese Boy -to be able wash windows for Hon. Mills. Though it require great skill & -couredge to shine such lofty glass pains, yet I flatten myself that I got -such a power more briskly than other Japanese Boys which is apt to be -laxy in sense of duty where it should be tightest. Hon. Janitor, I feel -myself unworthy of such a jobs, yet I know I ain’t. Therefore give it to -me because of merit.” - -I say all them things, Mr. Editor, because I am a candidate for them high -post of Window Wash. Therefore I am prejudicial about it. But if Hon. -Janitor ask Cousin Nogi, who do not desire such a jobs because of his -lazy spine, what-say Cousin Nogi? He-say: “A Window Wash require some -muscles, but very little intelligence. Hashimura Togo are not safe to -stand on such a altitudes because he thinks poems; therefore if he gets -it he will swim off of 10th story window & burst his fooly neck.” - -Hon. Taft & Hon. Bryan are too sympathetick with such jobs to talk -straight. Why not ask some gentlemans what never expects to be White -Housers to give view on Presidency? Hon. Hearst on “My Conception of the -Presidency” would be very bright & could get Hon. Brisbane to write it -for him. Hon. Alt. Parker, Hon. Patty McCarren, or Hon. John Wanamaker -would talk deliciously true & sinical. But do not ask Hon. Forker, -please, because he would write it “My Conception of the President” & -decuss other nigger problems which are no longer a delicacy. - - * * * * * - -I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, where I go for get my cheek whittled, -say-me: “Who could express such a conception about being a Pres., and not -lie about it?” - -“I could,” is answer for me. “I am best befatted for such a talk because -I are entirely unsympathetick & not entitle to a white vote like Hon. -Booker Washington and other darks.” - -“Why you no write such a conception for newspaper?” is snuggestion from -him. - -“I are not yet requested,” is erupt from me. - -“You are a modish violet,” is vocal from Hon. Suds. “Therefore say it -secretly.” - -“If I was President,” I rake out, “I should be divided into 2 parts. -The ½ part of me should be radikal & kind of dangerous; but the other ½ -portion should safely set upon the Constitution and keep it pressed.” - -“Would such a double lives be decent?” commit Hon. Anazuma. - -“In such high positions, yes,” I dabble. “A ideel Pres. of these U. S. -should be a cross between Theodore Roosevelt & Chester A. Arthur. With -one hand he should affectionately protect the interests of the People -while with the other he should be nice to the people of the Interests. -If it are necessary for him to be 2 places at once he must go there. -When requested he must attend a Idaho Miners’ Noyesy Barbecue full of -malice for them Hon. Malefactors; but he must not neglect a invitation -to Insurance Scandalous Banquet where he can set by Hon. Paul Morton and -talk like a Injunction.” - -“So shocky!” say I. Anazuma with razor. “It are shamefully difficult to -shave such a two-faced Japanese.” - -“In antique times of pagan Rome,” I dib, “there was a deliciously heathen -god named January who was able to look in 2 directions with a double -face. On one side he had a face like Hon. Judge Landis, on the other a -expression like Hon. Judge Grosscup. When malefactors of great wealth go -to Judge Landis side of them two-face idol they was filled with shivvers -because of their sinful rebates; so they crawl around to Judge Grosscup -side and was forgiven. But when malefactors of great poverty get in front -of them Grosscup face to make kick against Olive Oil Trust, they almost -went to jail for their crimes, so they hurry around to Judge Landis face -and was comforted to know that taking rebates from Harriman was sinnier -than taking silverware from a Soldiers’ Home.” - -“I am delicious to know,” say Hon. Anazuma who are studying to be a Y. M. -C. A., “that them heathen idol January were bursted by hatchets of early -Christian parents.” - -“He were finally bursted,” I rebuke, “but he last for several 1000’s -of year & were a nicely successful god. He were popular like a circus -for long lines of Hon. Politicians what wish to learn-how. What-say Mr. -Vergil, famous Roman poeter, about them god January? He-say, ‘Get there, -January!’ which have been a politickal motto every since.” - -“Have that disgusting January got any temples in America?” require Hon. -Anazuma. - -“In Pennsylvania State Capitol there is pagan pictures of Hon. Mat Quay -and other local gods,” I dib deceptively. “I shall not be wonderful if -portrait of Hon. January are grafted among nearly everything else in that -famous art saloon.” - -“When you are President how you stand on publick ownership of R. Rs?” -require Hon. Barb. - -“About publick ownership I are safely insane,” I report. “Publick -should be allowed to own R. R. gradually. With each Pullman ticket Hon. -Passenger might get a blue transfer which entitle him to 1 share R. R. -stock if he present it at office of Sec. of Agriculture 2,000,000 years -from date.” - -“Would American people get such a ownership then?” ask he. - -“What say Wm. Jenny Bryan about publick ownership?” I reject. “He-say, -‘Publick ownership of R. Rs must take place in eventual time,’ Them -2,000,000 years from date will be a ‘eventual time,’ won’t it not?” - -“In 2,000,000 year what would American publick own?” are question for -Anazuma. - -“At least they would own them blue transfer slips,” I renig with -deceptive expression of a Campaign Contribution. - - * * * * * - -Late Sunday P. M. Arthur Kickahajama give to me for Campaign Contribution -a live dog which is a Hon. Pup. It are a very infant mammal with a -emotional tail and cultivated by flees. Arthur rescue them Dog while -being kicked from a wharf by a educated gentleman who was drunk. - -“It are a vulgar variety,” I snip for objection because I are nervous -about expensive food for such a dum friend. - -“It may grow up to be refined,” say Arthur carelessly. - -“What breed of Dog are it?” is next fuss from me. - -“Not certainly sure,” say Arthur. “Hon. Strunsky who are a sport say ‘It -are a he-dog,’ so I suppose it are such a breed.” - -I regard this Hon. Pup with thoughts. He throw me a very doggy gaze -& thump banzai on floor with his snubbed appendix. My heart become -soft-boiled with love. I can’t not turn a dog away in such a hot weather -when he are apt to be bit by a rabbi & get it. So I possess him by chains -and enjoy worry about his breed which are full of spots with a bursted -ear. - -S. Wanda, Japanese Socialist, say he should be named “Tariff” because -he need revising immediately. Cousin Nogi announce, “He should be named -‘Injunction’ because he were kicked off a platform.” - -“I shall not call such names to a mere dog,” I gratify. “Therefore I -shall chrisen him ‘O-Fido’ what was name of a famous Japanese grocer what -live happy for 1,000 year and died from being too joyful.” - -So I got O-Fido in bedstead with me where he practise barks at Hon. Rats -all night till Japanese persons sleeping in this house can not do so & -report tearful complaints to Hon. Landlord who is a malefactor & say: -“You are a nusance besides 3-week remit with rent.” Moral of this is: Be -kind to them dum beasts & you will get paid off. - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - -S. P.—Who will be the First Baby in the Land now that Quentin Roosevelt -have refused a Third Term? Little Charlie Taft are studying childish -pranks so he can hold them position of Publick Cuteness. Hon. Steam -Shovelers’ Union of Panama is first to give Hon. Taft a union card. Hon. -Steam Rollers’ Union should be ashamed of their slowness! - - H. T. - - - - -XXI - -HOW AMERICAN ADVERTISEMENT DOES IT - - - SAN FRANCISCO, July 28th. - - _To Editor New York Newspaper who might know list of - peculiarities._ - -DEAR MR. SIR—Please to ask some of your customers who read that dear -paper to tell one necessary reply to poor Japanese Boy who is again in -condition of not working. Please ask them how best for cheap money I -can advertise myself as needing situation of employment at wash-dishes, -table-wait, being valet or teaching American language to Japanese or -German foreigners. I put in the following itemized appeal into San -Francisco newspaper-press: - - WANTED—Japanese Schoolboy is earnest about something to do, - and can speeck Japanese or American while doing so. Can make - beds politely, cherish house-plants and assist cow or horse of - good family. I perform most difficult duties when confined to - kitchen and can persuade Pianola to go when excited. Answer it - immediately. Maybe that will be too late—Response, Togo, this - news. - -That correspondence cost me price of $1.85 obtained by borrowing. I am -depressed about results and confused to think. This morning I see that -advertise in newspaper-press where I put it. But sakes of life! how -difficult to see it! I look in Wanting Column of this journal-paper and -find such disgusting number of persons was pleading for jobs and was -crowding all over that page saying so about it. Very few of these offered -to do such talented things like I did. And yet I was No. 114 in that list -of workers! It is very difficult for pride of Japanese Boy to read about -himself in such small print. - -Of suddenly I enjoy one serious brain-thought. Advertising is one -beautiful national custom which Japanese Boy must learn before becoming -complete. It is habit of these U. S. persons to print statements of their -virtues and hand it around. In Japan when spring of love-time come along -persons deliver little lily-pad plants to doorstep and remind friends of -their aliveness. In these U. S. persons at approach of springtime deliver -advertisement-circular for same reason. Hon. Dr. Smith, dentist, leave to -doorstep of dear friend following card: - - DO YOU ENJOY TOOTHACHE? - - DR. SMITH PULLS TEETHS FROM EXPERIENCE - - GET THE HABIT!!! - -Each gentleman indulging in art or business do likesome to any extent. -Gentlemen wishing to succeed in poetry, plumbing, clergyman or eye-wash -medicine must put-in some kind of holler about it. - -Landscapes is good for these decorations. - -In travelling through American scenery by rail-car I can not interest my -brain-thoughts in birds & flowers because of large conversation which -persons has painted all over nature. By sweet runny-brook is sign-post -of fierce red to say, “Sizzo Table Water. It is Sufficient.” By grandeur -of top-mountain is reckless blue motto, “Circulation of _Daily Bazoo_ Is -Making Climb Up.” By lovely oat-patch is signature, “Mormon Oats—They -Chew Themselves.” Meadow of grass is full with gigantic hop-frogs, -aggrevated bottles, magnificent lady-corsets, etc., which eminent -American sculptors has cut out with saws. Nature is somewhere behind -these, but what is she doing? Maybe she is trying to grow. - -Frequent professors say-so about American Indians talking with -sign-language. Is that it what I seen? - -Sidney Katsu, light-thinking Japanese of considerable deceptiveness, say -to me of recent date: - -“Hon. Togo, you hear what-about has happen to American battle-fleet?” - -“Tell me to know,” I renig with excitement, because I am Japanese Spy. - -“So much is them war-boats painted of white colour they will be used for -advertisements when approaching to China,” deliver this Katsu. - -“Oh not to be possible!” I collapse, “what advertisement will be -decorated upon this patriotic navy?” - -“Following words will there be painted upon each white-side boat,” -commute Katsu and show this card: - - THIS FLEET IS PAINTED WITH - SNOWDRIFT ENAMEL PAINT - TRY IT ON YOUR BATH-TUB!!! - -Shall I believe this calamity to American navy, Mr. Editor? I am -disgusted to suspect that fly-off brain of Sidney Katsu. Some one has -reached him to tell lying talk, American custom. - -It is sinful to legal laws of America for poets, actoresses, politicians, -burglary and other authors to put-in advertisements about theirselves. -So it is difficulty for them. And yet they do it. How so? By becoming -so active that newspaper-print is irrisistable to talk about it. Maybe -actoress lose jewel-clasp. Burglary take it. She report as follows, “Oh -my!” - -“What is difficulty of health, Hon. Madam?” require reporter gentleman -who is there. - -“I have losed it my jewel-clasp,” she defy. - -“Thank you for knowledge,” personify this Hon. Reporter, “While you are -speeching about, tell me of your marriages, please, as well as of other -family disconnections.” - -So loud report of one column duration appear by next news-print. Maybe -lady noveletter name of Mrs. McGlinny come over to here from kingdom -of London with book by title “Three Months.” She enjoy great quiet, -thank you, for that length of time. At finally “Mothers of Rebellion,” -sweet-hearted collection of ladies, decry, “Come and speech before us at -dine-table, please.” - -“So pleasant to do,” digest this Hon. Mrs. McGlinny. “I will speech of -what happened in them 3 months.” - -“Oh, not to do!” abrupt them mothers. “We do not permit such talk before -husbands, please.” - -“O considerably well!” dement Mrs. McGlinny, striking piano with angry -rage. Immediately she make rapid transit to newspaper press. Some talk -is made with reporter and by following morning the below headlines is to -appear: - - SUCH HORRID BOOK! - - IS “THREE MONTHS” THUS? - - IT IS; AND WE WILL GIVE PRIZES TO PERSON - WHO READS IT LEAST - -By next morning one thousand million copy of this book is entirely -exhausted and publisher is despondent because so fatigued. - -From Boston I discover this communication which cover ½ page of -all-American newspaper: - - “AMERICAN CITIZENS ARE YOU ALL-TIME FOOLISH? HON. ABE LINCOLN - SAY YOU ARE CONSIDERABLY SO. I AGREE TO THIS, THANK YOU! THEN - WHY YOU NO BUY STOCKS WHEN I TOLD YOU IT WAS? I ENQUIRE DID I - NOT TOLD YOU HOW STOCK MARKET WOULD DO SOMETHING SOON? IT DONE - SOMETHING. DID I NOT TOLD YOU AMALGAMATION OF COPPER WOULD GO - TO SOMEWHERE? IT FOLLOW THAT PROGRAM. THEN BOUGHT AS MUCH AS - CONVENIENT PLEASE, OR ELSE SELL OR DO SOMETHING!!! - - “TAKE ADVICE FOR IT. YOU ARE IN FINGER-NAILS OF SHARKS. SYSTEM, - THAT HARD-EYE SYSTEM, WILL SQUEEZE, SQUEEZE TILL BLOOD-DROP - REFUSES TO ENJOY PAIN. THEREFORE, DO IT NOW! - - “I WILL SPEECH ONE LAST WORD BEFORE SAYING MORE. ON AFTERNOON - OF FEB. 22 KEEP EYE-WATCH ON TICK-TOCK OF STOCK. IF NOTHING - HAPPEN THEN IT WILL BE POSTPONED. - - “I OFTEN TELL YOU TO THINK. THAT WILL BE GOOD PRACTICE. PERSONS - ENJOYING WEALTH IS RECOMMENDED TO INVEST IT. PERSONS HAVING - NONE IS ADVISED TO KEEP IT. - - “THOMAS W. LAWSON.” - -This letter of correspondence is wrote by memory. Perhaps it is wrong in -places. I am often wonderful about this Hon. Lawson man. Is he running -for President or merely for fun? I ask to know. - -So this American kingdom go rapidly with speed because of steam of -them advertising. American gentleman enjoys great smartness inside of -brain. He say “No use of doing nothing for nobody if nobody knows.” So -type-setting, bill-stucking, paint-drawing is done. Violets is permitted -to blush behind something in these U.S. They usually does this blushing -performance behind sign-board saying “50c per bunch.” If Hon. Lawson, -Hon. Bryan, Hon. Kipling can not get jobs of employment without some -advertisement, how can Japanese Boy do so? This question make me put in -that item of ideas to wanting-column of news. - -Maybe it will be responded for. I am patient to hope. - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - -S. P.—Labouring Unions of Pacific Coast decry with voice, “Japanese is -taking all variety of jobs from persons of white extraction.” Maybe so. -But I have not been very fortunate in this branch of Yellow Peril, thank -you. - - H. T. - - - - -XXII - -OLYMPUS GAMES AND INTERNATIONAL CEMENT - - - SAN FRANCISCO, August 2d. - - _Editor New York Newspaper who are printed in several colours & - deliver to doorstoop of Japanese Schoolboy filled with bright - jokes & other serious thought._ - -MR. SIR—For objeck of putting cement on affectionate relations between -them loving relatives, America & Gt. Britten, there have been an entirely -worldly feet-race and amateur circus shot off in England & called Olympus -Games. Every branches of trapeez, handspring & strength exercises was -indulged in for friendly rivalry. As result of them friendly rivalry Hon. -Jim Bryce are enjoying some international strains in Washington, Hon. -Whitelaw Reid are sorry he ever became a Brittish subjeck and Congress -have ordered Hon. Hobson to build several _Dreadnothings_ and be quick -about it. - -Never yet have I heard two respecktable temperance kingdoms using such -National League language upon each other without following some hostile -demonstrations by land & sea. O surely war must follow! Did not Mr. -Monroe in his famous Doctoring pledge to proteck American subjecks from -bunko & outrage on foren shore? Do not the great Maggie Carter, famous -document signed by King John, promus justice to all Brittish subjecks -not of Irish birth? Then why should not America & England enjoy some -more family splits? Why should not Adm. Thos. Lipton bring regatta of -war-boats into N. Y. bay & seize Y. M. C. A. Athletick Club as spoil of -war while America fleet are away shaking hands with Australia? - -I require no answer. - -Them Olympus Games are a great event for all Nationalities with excepting -of Japanese who is too civilized to enjoy such rude fights. Such games is -a considerable antique, for they was invented at Battle of Marathon in a -previous B. C. time. On them occasion a Grecian boy run 27 mile to get -away from Hon. Persians & was declare a champion by Honduras, mayor of -Athens. - -This year it were decide to hold them Olympus games at England, because -English athletes can win nearly everything when surrounded by Brittish -sentiment with sufficient Police near to see that all rules is broken in -a quiet & orderly manner. Before Hon. Games was shot off Hon. Brittish -Athletick Committee set together for regulation of events. Following were -decide on by dignified majority: - - 1—English spirit of fair play must be visible everywheres. Hon. - Judge must be just to all nations so long as England are ahead. - - 2—When England are losing Hon. Judge can prevent this by ruling - Americans out of race for ungentlemanly conduct. - - 3—When American athlete are doing some up-jump exercises - British publick are warned not to assist him by courteous - remarks. When compelled to speak they will be permitted to say - “Boo!” “Obtain a horse!” or other wits of local flavour. - - 4—Since Hon. America has got a rawcuss voice several disputes - is bound to occur. So long as such fights is Parlamentry - & corteous, we do not objeck to it. Therefore we snuggest - following form of debate for all disputes: - - _Hon. American Committee_—Why you dishqualify American run-man - from 400-meater race? - - _Hon. Brittish Committee_—Because he are a fraud of - considerable professional trix. Also we suspect he murder his - mother in Omaha. - - _Hon. Am. Com._—When you begin to suspect all them horble crime - against that young man? - - _Hon. Brit. Com._—When he got 50 yard ahead of Brittish runner - in race. - - _Hon. Am. Com._—Will you permit-it for Hon. America run-man to - race it again & show how swiftly he can? - - _Hon. Brit. Com._—Answer is, No!! Because he could run several - footsteps better than Hon. Brittish run-man who would be beat. - It are slavish to be beat. Brittens seldom shall be slaves. - - _Hon. Am. Com._—If our runs is the swiftest should they not - have the most medals pinned all over them? - - _Hon. Brit. Com._—The race are not always for the swiftest, - Hon. Sir—not while Brittish gods are ruling Olympus! - - 5—After above dyelog rioting, cat-calling & other sports shall - be enjoyed & American athletes can go home or to any other - blazes they seen fit. - -While attempting a slumber on couch of room Uncle Nichi & Cousin Nogi -come in & make a joint debate with loud voices, which is very carelus -about my health. - -“Hon. London _Times_ decuss 400-meater-run in an entirely Christian way,” -corrode Uncle Nichi who lacks dog-sense like O-Fido. “Them great & pompus -news-print say: ‘It were a unfortunate incident—therefore it are closed.’” - -“London _Times_ know-how to be nice to Americans on all occasions,” -explode Nogi. “She speak of 400-meater run like she speak of Revolutional -War & other uncleaned things.” - -“America beat English in Revolutional War,” rasp Uncle for discovery. - -“Of sure she did,” obligate Nogi, “but on them occasion she was the -home team. If such a wars had been fot on Brittish soil maybe Hon. Geo. -Washington would of been dishqualified for crowding Gen. Corn Wallace off -track. Facts of history is often shaved by such close razors.” - -“Sport between such great nations should be gentle & just, whitewashed -with truth & free of grafts,” commute Unc. - -“So should Christianity, Socialism & Hearst Independence Leg,” otter -Nogi, “but are they?” - -“Them great kingdoms should meet in a amature spirit,” I gap, because -can’t sleep by racket. - -“What you mean by ‘amature spirit’?” require Nichi. - -“When Primrose Athletick Club & Telegraf Hill Wonders meet in vacated -lot to enjoy baseball, then amature spirit are observed,” say Nogi. -“Hon. Casey go to bat-stick. Some ball-throws is indulged for vain -clubbing. ‘Outside, please!’ yall Hon. Empire. ‘Liar, please!’ jacklate -Primrose Athleticks in unicorn. Language is thrown everywheres followed -by bat-sticks, grand-stands, etc., which is beaten upon skull until -intermission by Hon. Police.” - -“And yet should civilized persons feel so bleed-thirsty about innocent & -friendly sport?” ask Uncle to know. - -“More fraxures, murders, assault & batters, divorces & strangles is -caused by innocent & friendly sport than by jelousy, love, maniac, drunk -& any other branch of crime excepting of Life Insurance. Look on blotter -of Hon. Crime Court & see what blots appear there for following crimes: - - Hon. Pat Sweeney, occupation brick-batter—crime, justifiable - homocide on innocent & friendly Umpire who decide against home - team. Discharged with honour. - - Hon. Aug. Smutz, occupation German—crime, shoot and chop-up - best friend while try to teech him innocent & friendly game of - pinocle. Hanged because poor. - - Hon. Archybald Smith, occupation Pickle Trust—crime, knocking - brains from a clergy with a mallet because he cheet in innocent - & friendly game of crokay. Saved by unwritten law & 6 weeks in - Mattywan with French chef. - - Hon. J. D. Rockpiler, occupation grand larceny—crime, giving - rebates to a golf-caddy. Fine, $29,000,000 with liberal - discount in Court of Peals. - - Hon. Mrs. Wilkins, occupation social vagrant—crime, bridge-play - while house was afire & husband broiled. Discharged by advice - of husband who was a first offense. - - Hon. Eli. McYale, alias “Spud,” alias “Locomotive,” alias - “Kangaroo,” occupation college-student—crime, feetball with - intent to kill. Out on bale till after feetball season when he - will come back, please, and be electrocuted. - - Hon. Ripi Gavotti & Hon. Peter Hooley, occupation - neighbours—crime, mayhem committed while watching a innocent & - friendly dog-fight. Hon. Gavotti bite away ear from Hon. Hooley - to prove he got the most intelligent dog. Prisoners discharged - by Judge who also love dogs. - -When Uncle Nichi hear-it all them record of horble crimes he become -seriously Japanese. - -“O-so!” he-say, “Must there be a war between America & England because of -a mere feet-race?” - -“If a mere feet-race can’t start a war, nothing can. Who can imagine them -two great & dignified peoples making such hell-baloo over seal-fisheries -or boundery-line between U. S. & Canada or small trifle like annexation -of Ireland? Did Brittish publick stand around and yall ‘Boo!’ to rattle -American diplomat during contest of Hay-Pauncefaute treaty? Ah no! -But when a craven foe land on Brittish soil to peril sacred rite of -hop-skip-and-jump what son of Brittania so callus not to scream?” - -“I got a poem,” I say for headache. “It sound delicious in -Japanese—therefore excuse following translation: - - -_INTERNATIONAL CEMENT_ - - The Lion to the Eagly say, “We two is one same feather; - We done too much of sware & fite—now let us play together.” - - So on them nice Olympus road they meet some games to try out— - The Eagly-bird he watch his chance & scrape them Lion’s eye out. - - “Fowl play!” all Lion Cubs they cry; so all them beasts they pair off - And Lion claws make feathers fly while Eagly’s tear-off hair-off. - - Them Lion-dog make rory-rores as in the race he led off - And when he reach the second lap he eat them Eagly’s head off. - - The Birds & Beasts of all the world they cry with looks appealing, - “O such a comick way to start a Era of Good Feeling! - - “It once was ‘Hands Across the Sea—’ but now we got the notion - That all the instinck that they got is ‘Claws Across the Ocean.’ - - “There’s nothing like them Ties of Blood to keep such friends together— - There goes the Lion’s other eye—there goes a Eagly feather!” - - And so they fot till they was weak, and then they sadly went off - To count their scratches, dress their wounds—and pick that darn Cement - off. - -Mr. Editor, entire trouble with them Olympus games was that American -athletes was handicapped by English sense of Fair Play which are a -famous & sacred thing & will stop at nothing when it get a chance. -English Fair Play have always been a deliciously important fackter in -her Colonial Policy. It were that same holy fire what give to America a -Stamp Act & Taxation without Representations; send Lord Clive on famous -jewel-robberies among Moguls what was entirely pagan & needed doing; -force hon. opium-smoke down palate of Hon. China so she would sleep -better; and sley Mary, Queen of Scotch, with a hatchet because she live -in the suburbs. - -What-say renewed Irish Orator about England. He-say, “O perfidious -Albino!” I am sly about repeating such mean curses. - -Strength of Hon. England are this: she can lie longer, steal stronger & -look more respectable than any other ancient Nation now living. America -is filled with disgusting Grafts, but Hon. England have got only a House -of Lords decorated with coated arms & vested rights. London are poplus -with Life Insurance Presidents disguised as Missionaries. If Jo-uncle -Cannon had a accent made in Oxford & a suit of clothing made in Hanover -Square he would not need to change his politicks before setting in the -House of Lords. I are very nervous about England’s soul. - -Cousin Nogi, who partly agree with me in some things, say, “I are -joyfully congratulated not to be mixed up in such Olympus affairs.” - -“English sense of Fair Play are a joke,” I scorch. - -“Perhapsly that are why it are took so seriously in England,” make-up -Nogi. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - -S. P.—O-Fido, Hon. Pup to which I belong, show symptom of being a -dash-hound. - -“Call him Cassius,” say Sydney Katsu, Jr. “Why-it?” is inquiry for me. - -“Hon. Shakespeare say about Cassius, ‘In him the elements so mixed up -that all-world might stand around & say, “This was a dog.”’” - - H. T. - - - - -XXIII - -OUTSIDE EXERCISES FOR HEALTH - - - SAN FRANCISCO, August 22d. - - _Editor N. Y. Newspaper who must attend to spin-around of world - while others fish._ - -DEAR SIR—Year of America are divided into 2 sessions: Winter & Summer. -Winter are devote to acquiring disease inside; Summer are devote to -getting rid of them outside. Winter are dedicate to serious pursuit of -money; Summer are devote to fooly pursuit of rest. Both are good ways to -know and increase Hon. Death Rates. - -Predatory gentlemans what are rich enough to agree with Hon. Judiciary -about Injunctions, etc., can afford some French-speaking automobiles of -60 horse-power and go out for pursue a rest. Man who break Interstate -Commerce law a little while can break speed-law the rest of his entire -existence. I know because I watch him. - -Americans go for rest with energy of human bullets. Japanese Schoolboy -stand by side of roadside & shelter self from strokes by raspberry trees. -Soonly there is a red whizz passing. It are a automobile of French -extraction and Irish disposition. By front seat sets fatty gentleman who -is a owner of some trusts, because he look like it. Nearly to him sets -Hon. Chaffer clasping teeth for nerves. - -“What speedometer is it?” ask Hon. Truster eating some dust. - -“60-mile hourly we are going it,” say-he with wheels. - -“Extreme slowness,” derange Hon. Finance. - -More pushes by gasolene. - -“Of what speedness now?” examine them Trust Magnet. - -“75 mile horse-power,” say Hon. Chaffer with lung. - -“Exaggerate it!” elapse Hon. Boss for mania. - -Hon. Chaffer try-to, but Hon. Car make angry rage of cogs & do an -explosion by fence where fraxions must be collected patiently. Injury is -enjoyed by all passengers who is afar off among clover-field where they -flew to. - -I am a hospital corps to that very ill Trust & await to interview him -with bandages. - -“Where was you going so hasty?” is first question for me. - -“Not sure,” say-he, “but I was rapidly approaching there.” - -“What was you looking after so whizzy?” negotiate me. - -[Illustration: “‘I have a developed chest already,’ snuggest Hon. Taft”] - -“A rest,” he corrode for dying smiles. - -“You have found it too suddenly,” I commute with epitaph expressions. -“Therefore you may rest in fractions.” - - * * * * * - -Mr. Editor, to remain good-healthy it are nice to choose some exercise -what you will not be killed by. Motor-car axidents, although a very -wealthy sport, are a too violent physical culture for Japanese Boy who -would prefer to be alive & slightly sick much rather than to be dead & -in splandid muscular condition. Considerable Heroes of antiques has did -jiu jitsu to Tyrants and yet been entirely ignorant of Hon. Spalding’s -Feetball Guide. But them things happened in very former times. - -Shortly ago I become nervous about high education of brain. “I must see -some scholars doing it,” I narrate to myself; so for car-fare I go visit -one intelligent Red Colledge what are nearly here. When I approach near -to campuss I am aware of excitable sing-song of loud mail voices saying -something together. - -“So lofty!” I dib. “They are resighting passages of Grecian poetry in -chorus so they all will get 100% mark for classick examination!” I make -excited breath & hurry foots to where it happen. - -There beholt! was all young youths of this Red Colledge stooding -together for wave of danger-signal flags & saying following rotation for -voice-culture: - - “Hurrah! Hurrah! - Play glibly - And do more of!! - O!!! - Such a bully for you!” - -(Repeat this several times for imagination.) - -And by opposite chairs was setting a Blue Colledge with appropriate shade -of wave-flag with which they make wigwag signals to following rotation -for voice-culture: - - “Sissy-boom! - What is wrong with us? - By investigation we find - We are considerably all right— - Therefore Hurrah HURRAH!!” - -On smooth place between grandstands was 2 teams of red & blue baseballers -playing it with batty acrobaticks. One youngful man containing red sox -was considerably idealized by Red Colledge because he was a Hon. Pitch -and could act deceptively while shooting fastly to Hon. Catch. When Hon. -Bat would make swipe-stick knocks at Hon. Ball what go by without injury, -then entirely that Red Colledge would scream up, “O Smith, Smith, you are -so good to do it!!” - -When Hon. Blue Runner would attempt to slide on knuckles & Hon. Red Pitch -would observe him with deceptive throw, then such banzais from Hon. Red -Colledge what would hoola out loud, “Hurrah some more for Hon. Smith who -deserve it!” - -I stand by-next to one Hon. Professor what was also shouting with gilt -spectacles. - -“Mr. Sir,” I commune, “why this Colledge make such proud whoop-up for -that Smith youth, please?” - -“Hon. Smith are most smartest man in Colledge,” say Hon. Professor with -surprise for ignorance. - -“Ah!” I collide. “So thankful to see such a leader of thought! By what -branches of brain do he most exsel in these classick hallways of Mrs. -Minerva?” - -“He are a hundred yard dasher of 9 seconds, he are a pole-jump of 12 -feet, for 2 years he play short-stop on feetball game and can throw a -spitting baseball in circles around all batty athletes.” - -“He must be a very high educated man,” I combust; “I bet your bootware -that Hon. Shakespeare could not do nothing like that.” - -“Hon. Shakespeare was neglected in childhood,” say Prof. “So he never go -to colledge to learn how.” - -“So sorry for that!” I ratify. “Do this Hon. Smith have very muscular -mind for study of Grecian poetry?” - -“Scarcely if seldom,” mitigate Hon. Prof. “Faculty of this Colledge -do not believe in making bright mind of youth sad by too much read on -subjecks of solum & trajick Greek poetries.” - -“They should read Hon. Aristophanes,” I say-so, “for he was considered a -very comick Greek poet.” - -“Maybe-so he were,” dib them Prof. “But I have been teacher of classick -literature for 35 tiresome years, and never yet have I saw any colledge -boys tickling themselves to death with jokes from that Hon. Aristophanes.” - -I am entirely flabbed. So I go to Carnegie Library of them Colledge to -see by quiet look how many of them student was improving inside of skulls -by books. And there what see? Three Japanese students setting in bench -for lonesome company. One of them was studying “Antique War Map of Battle -of Marathon.” Other was taking light chew from “Co-tangent Theory about -Circular Orbits,” and other one was trying to translate works of James -Whatcome Riley into Japanese. - -I sneak silently out with mollycuddle feelings of instep. - -Sydney Katsu say-so that game of Golluf are called “sport of kings.” -Therefore if any private gentleman wishes to become a king or something -in America he must go to meadows and learn how-play this peculiar -knocking game. When Hon. Rockefeller lernt it he became a Oil King & -still continues to exercise. - -Before Hon. Roosevelt decided to appoint Hon. Taft to be King of America -he-say him: “Hon. Bill, what kind of a athlete are you, please?” - -“I are a very distinguished trot,” narrate Wm. “I have become noted by -running from places to places.” - -“These U. S. won’t not stand no more fat heroes,” say Hon. Roosevelt. -“What possibly good it do you to have newspaper print say ‘Hon. Taft -spend 24 hours daily at desk?’ Small or less. But have war correspondent -say ‘Hon. Taft spend 24 hours daily tearing teeth out of wild bulls’ and -you will be called upon by 1,000 photographers & Frederick Remington.” - -Hon. Taft set silently eating fattening cigars. - -“When you are training to be a king,” say Hon. Theo, “you must exercise -to develop considerable chest.” - -“I have a developed chest already,” snuggest Hon. Taft, drawing his belt -close around. - -“Assuredly you have,” say Hon. President, “but you should wear it higher -so that it would show to better advantage.” - -“How to begin to be a National Athlete?” say Hon. Wm. - -“I began by breaking horses,” say Hon. Theo. - -“I can easily break the stoutest horse by setting on him,” abrogate Hon. -Taft. - -“I am disgusted by such a set-pat policy,” say ruler of nation. “If you -can not take exercise you can at least play Golluf.” - -So Hon. Roosevelt loand Hon. Taft a big club if he promise not to broke -it & he find a nice, green link near Light House at Washington where he -practise Hon. Golluf Game. On door of Sec. of War it are now a easy snap -to find following card: - - HON. WM. H. TAFT - ARE ABSENT ON LINK TO PLAY GOLLUF GAME FROM 2 TO 4 - DAILY TILL AFTER ELECTION. - - MOVING PICTURE MAN - IS CORDIALLY INVITED TO BE THERE - -Mr. Editor, what are most principally shocky & surprise to me about -outside exercises enjoyed by Americans is that they takes them in such -a light & frivlus spirit of josher. Are game of health-bring and deep -breathing merely a funny laugh-at thing? Answer is, No!! - -It sadden my pulse to see American family by good elderly summertime -pack trunk to go shore-side. Why they sing & whistle comick song about “I -am timid to return home in darkness”? Why so happy & frolick for as they -are gone down to train? Do they not know that they are sujurning away -for benefit of kidney, liver & lung, which is hyjean & therefore kind -of sacred because it can do a great deal of harm to all human races? By -border of ocean they go to some light hotel & dip slightly in tidy serf -of sea, they lole upon sand in delighted clothing, they puff cigarette, -they drink intoxicated ginriksha. By moontime they practise whatever -flirting is necessary—no thoughts of their scientifick insides. - -Ah, vacation should be a more solum & useful improvement! Japanese -athlete would arise more sadder & stern by 6 of clocktime in morning to -do 986 dips with backbone for benefit of interior digestion. He would -measure self by Bertillon system by each hourly prompt. Then he would -feel strong & well, or else he wouldn’t. Vacation are nothing to laugh at -as if it was a jokes. - - * * * * * - -But Cousin Nogi are got so sinical he make Sneer-face at everything -including sacred subjecks & Tariff. Last night we go hear Prof. Matsuki, -Japanese hyjean, lecture-talk to Asiatick Y. M. C. A. - -“Intellectual gymnasiums, together with nurshing food,” say Hon. Matsuki, -“have increased stature of Japanese nation 6 inches in last 10 years.” - -Cousin Nogi deliver me one mean pinch by leg-joint. - -“I shall give you a hit unless stop!” I dib for pain. - -“Listen to them lecture what he say-it!” fatigue Nogi. “He-say each -Japanese by exercises & feed has grew 6 inches in 10 year-time. At them -rate they will all be 5 ft. 10 inches by 1918.” - -“That are a nice patriotick average for me,” I surround. - -“By keeping on with eat & gymnastus they will all be 6 ft. 10 inches in -1938. What, then, would keep all Japanese from being 8 ft. 10 inches -lofty in year 1978?” - -“Nothing but laziness,” I repose for answer. - -“The Japanese is aptly determined,” decry Nogi, showing satire by nose. -“If they use considerable Christian Science about growing up could they -not become physical sky-scrapes in time?” - -“They might, but could they?” is answer for me. - -“And what if they attained such a lofty?” locate Nogi with skeptick look -from Missouri, “would they be more smart if? Physical culture do not -make persons able to lecture on works of Browning and Chiropodes. Hon. -James Jeffries are a very physical cultured man, yet he can only lick one -person at a time. Hon. Napoleon, what was a brief man with a circular -stummick, could combatter 10,000 talented Germans by twist of his thumbs.” - -“Yet Hon. Napoleon were finally a sick failure,” I announce for sighs. - -“Of surely he were not!” dib that heated Nogi. “If he were a failure how -he got his nephew that high job in Roosevelt Cabinet?” - -I am confused to answer. - -Hoping you are the same, I am - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - -XXIV - -CAN HON. NORTH POLE BE DETECTED? - - - SAN FRANCISCO, August 26th. - - _To Editor New York newspaper which shoots out Truth like a - soda fountain & serve it with very tasty flavours to all-kind - of humans._ - -DEAR SIR—I am bed-riding now, thank you, for illness of head. So sorry -I go Fresno last week to seek-it where work was to be got among Hon. -Grapes, but not for me. The weather had a temperament of 98° in shadow & -pretty soonly I am discovered enjoying a sunstrike by dusty road. “Poor -Japanese Boy!” collapse kind Mr. Jackson, who is a sweet philanthropy; so -he ship me backwards to this dear San Francisco and donate me $10 weekly -so long as I am sick. - -On such a salary I shall be liesurely about getting well. - - * * * * * - -So here I are, Mr. Editor, once more again at Patriots of Japan Board & -Lodging, where I receive all Japanese and American friends who will be -polite guests & please not bring no more flours because my hon. bedroom -become stuffy with such fragral smells. Candy & light sandwitches, -howeverly, will be welcome day & night. - -Cousin Nogi, Arthur Kickahajama, Uncle Nichi, Sydney Katsu Jr., Little -Annie Anazuma & Frank the Japanned Bootpolish make walk-in to my room -this morning to be a Tennis Cabinet for me. They bring golden thoughts, -but nothing more expensive. - -“In Idaho & Colorado where ladies is compelled to smoke cigarettes -and act manly on election days,” say Cousin Nogi, “there Hon. Frank -H. Hitchcock will get elected by a unamerous majority because of his -beautiful eyes and hair.” - -“He will be very popular in high schools, Vassars, etc., because of his -sweet expression,” olicute little Annie. - -“Will such a expressions make him popular among campaign contributions?” -contribute Japanned Frank with steam-roller sniff. - -My Hon. Friends then begin making talk all over my very sick bed with -awful feverish debats until I groan from hot brows, because I got a -sun-strike. Political conversation next turn to all-kinds tropickal -subjecks. Cousin Nogi mention Hon. Revolution in Honaduras; Japanned -Frank say-so that Hon. Cuba can’t never escape from Hon. Taft when he got -it; Uncle Nichi enquire to know if Rep Party will continue to be useless -about Philippine tobacco; and Little Annie Anazuma tell of paper-news she -read about hon. yellow fever enjoyed by Hon. Dirt Digs of Panama Canal. - -I put hand to my boiled skull & collapse with gasps. - -“You are a loud noise,” I liquidate. “When you come to bedstead of -a sunstruck person, why you all-time talk about politicks what are -happening all over Hon. Equator?” - -“Would some breezy topick of conversations be more pleasant for such a -sun-strike?” enquire Uncle Nichi with farm-yard voice. - -“Iced thoughts would be very nice for brain,” I dib with fan. - -Then up say Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy who will be a heathen 2 -weeks more before vacation is over, - -“I have got just such a cold topicks,” he-say. “Hon. Adm. Peary, -intemperate explorer on cold-weather boat _Roosevelt_, have started for -Swartzburger, Sweden, in hopes that he will discovery an entirely iced -Pole before it melts.” - -“Thank you so much, Arthur Kickahajama,” I sigh-up for relief, “already I -feel some pleasant chills in my vertebral.” - -“In his kitty of supplies,” say Arthur, “Hon. Peary have took 750 -blankets of red flannel complexion, 100 grizzly-skin pajamas, 60 Tiny -Wonder gas-heaters, 7 tons axle-greeze to use as butter when starving & -20 doggy-sleys with limousine tops to keep off cold.” - -“What are he going to North Pole for if he desire to keep off cold?” I -enquire with sun-stroke gasps. - -“I am confused about it,” say Arthur. “Hon. Peary perform a interview -for N. Y. _Journals_ before depart. ‘Are you afraid of a freeze?’ Hon. -Reporter ask to know. ‘No, I are not,’ he reply for pride.” - -“All Arctick explorers is entirely fearless about freezing in July,” -report little Annie Anazuma, who are a bright for her nine-year age. - -“If a good detective should discover this Pole what would he discover?” -require Uncle Nichi, who is becoming educated in American telephones. - -“He would discover considerable bad weather,” abrogate Nogi. - -“Should a person go through such a pearil & danger to discover bad -weather?” say Uncle who can enquire if nothing else. - -“It are the pearil & danger what makes all them furry gentlemans so -anxious to get it,” say Nogi. “If Hon. North Pole was in our back yard -who would care to have it?” - -“I should like some chunks for headache,” I negligè with pained eyebrows. - -“Polar discovery are a nice sport for Investigators,” devote Frank. - -“What would they investigate at North Pole?” require Nogi for scorn. “Is -there some Grafts at North Pole? Have it got a Saloon Evil like Chicago, -or a Labour Trouble like Idaho, or a Railroad Problemb like Illinois, or -some Favourite Sons like Ohio, or a Musical Mayor like San Francisco, or -some Senate Undesirables like Washington? If Hon. Pole ain’t got no Hon. -Shames like them I mention it should be let alone. If it _have_ got such -a Grafts they must be nicely packed in ice where they will keep forever -unless disturbed. Why should a refined N. Y. gentleman travel all-way to -Latitude 0 for find some cold-storage graft when he can get it entire -year round in Philadelphia?” - -“We ask to know!” collapse my Japanese Friends in unicorn & leave me -alonesome with my sick medicines. - - * * * * * - -Mr. Editor, as I continue enjoying sickness I got time to think about -important topicks in an entirely fooly way. I think about all them -American & English gentlemans what has seeked North Pole because they -was not tame enough to enjoy game of golluf and bridge-card. How much -more jollifying to go straggling for deathsome effort over dreer waists -of ice with full heart and empty stummick—how much more pleasant this -are than continually gollufing over the links with a retired cloak -manufacturer what can’t talk about nothing else besides roomatism & Marie -Corelli! When Hon. Arctick Explorer think of some persons he have left -behind his awful solitude become entirely cozy. - -Mr. Editor, what nationality of human races has not enjoyed hunting for -Poles? Irish mans, Americans, Danes, Swedishes, all make rapid vi with -each other for this sport. Hon. Russian police is also fond of hunting -Poles, but them is usually of an entirely Jewish variety. Hon. Duke de -Bruzzi were unable, thank you, to observe the Hon. Pole to discover it; -but he recently discover America with a very matrimonial expression. Only -human nationalities which does not care about dashes to North Pole is -Hon. Niggers which is too lazy and Hon. Japanese which has got too much -sense. - -Hon. Walter Wellman of Chicago discover Hon. Pole in a airship. Hon. -Magazines, Newspaper press, etc., all get delicious accounts about Hon. -Wellman’s discovery long-time before it happen, which was fortunate -because it never did. Great day of discovery arrive. “Are you ready, -Hon. Wellman?” require Hon. Photographer with Chicago accent. “Of sure -I are!” explode Hon. Wellman, who was without a daunt. “Then cut-it the -string!” say-all, and Hon. Airship arise to duzzy hight of 18 feet where -Hon. Wellman could see distinctly maglificant penorama of Arctick scenery -with nice fotos of Alice Boreas all lit up, which he send to Chicago -newsoffice with report, “I am sure Hon. North Pole are still over there.” -Then his airship descend down with a bursted stummick. - -Since then Hon. Wellman have turned from Baloons to Bryan. He-say for -recent newspaper article: “Hon. Bryan will of sure get to White House by -a short cut.” If Hon. Bryan start to White House by Hon. Wellman windship -he might get there, but would he? - -Mr. Editor, I have following poetick rapture because my head is sick: - - Columbus say the World go roundy-round - Just like bisickel wheel do, day & night; - The Pole it are a Hub which move that ground - And are too busy, thanks, to act polite. - - The Pole he got a quite important task - And must be enerjetick all he can; - He dib, “Get out!” when persons come to ask— - He hard to find like E. H. Harriman. - - The Pole he manage all them rolling-stock - And boss the world whatever way he please. - When Muckrakes come to write him up for shock - He say, “Refuse to answer,” then he freeze. - - The Pole he are a predatory Graft, - A short-but-ugly word, yet on he go - With utter disregard of Time & Taft— - A Solid Plutocrat of ice and snow. - -Mr. Editor, I am aware why Hon. Peary boat are called the _Roosevelt_. It -are because it are a hot thing in a cold climbate—also because it are a -champion ice-burster. (At least smile at this, please, because it would -sound delicious in Japanese.) - -[Illustration: “They should not make groups around with scissors to cut -away souvenirs from him”] - -Seriously thinking it, I shall not prevent that Hon. Peary from going to -North Pole as oftenly as whimsical; and yet I peev with complaint because -he do it on so small scales. He are a small dealer in Poles, therefore he -should be crowded to wall by all rules of Interstate Commerce. Would it -not be more better for civilization if Arctick Circle was organized into -exploration Trust with $20,000,000 capital and several Senators? You bet -your bootware such a Trust would get to Pole & build trolley to there in -less time than it take to pass a Forest Reserve Bill. I am surprised that -such a Trust has not thought of this already, for what-say Hon. Kipling? -He-say: “Is seldom a law of man or God found North of 23.” - -Such a climbate would be awfully ideel for a Trust. - -Yet I am suspicious. If Hon. Wall Street are not interested in North Pole -there must be deliciously little laying loose around there to steal. - -For final thought, Hon. Sir, I suspect that considerable salt-drip of -tears is waisted on them cool heroes of far North. Mrs. Lusy Macdonald, -tender & fat angel, say: “Poor mans, not to have fresh asparagus for -months in & out!” - -“Truly so,” I navigate, “but if they have no fresh asparagus, they also -has no mosquitos.” - -“Togo, should you like to be a Arctick Explorer you talk like?” she ask -it. - -“I should like to be ½ a Arctick Explorer,” I struggle. “If I was -permitted to do so I should enjoy to be Hon. Peary during June, July, -August & Sept. During Fall & Winter months I should be pleased to spread -gospels among better warmed cannibels of South Seas.” - -“Both are noble trades for a hero,” say-she for kind sentiment. - -“It are pleasant to be useless during vacations,” I dib. - -With love to Senator Lodge & other successful Eskimos, - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - -XXV - -HIGH TARIFF ON PRINCES - - - SAN FRANCISCO, Sept. 1st. - - _To Editor of New York Newspaper which must be very - marriageable person, if he has not already attended his own._ - -HON. MR.—Frank the Japanned Bootpolish, who is a mental Socialist, say me -this statistick for peevish argument: - -“Twenty-five thousand pairs of people is married together by each day in -these U. S.” - -“Such delicious number of happiness!” I commit, pointing to Utah on map. - -“Of them 25,000 wedding ceremonies,” derange Frank with Harvard -expression, “at leastly 23,000 is International Marriages, including, -by police-record, following races: Huns, Finns, Siberians, Liberians, -Polaks, Mollusks, Mazourkas, Dons, Otts, and Pennsylvanians.” - -“Them races is told apart by washing them,” I deride for conversation. - -“Of them 23,000 assorted foreigns getting married together by each day, -maybe there is a few number with something queer about them; maybe 100 -of them has clubbed feets, 50 of them is double-jointed dwarfs, 10 of -them has two heads apiece, 6 of them is Siamese twins, and 1 or 2 of them -is a Duke or something.” - -“Do newspaper-press mention with loud excitement the marriage of all them -Hon. Freaks?” I ask for knowledge. - -“Seldom if any,” say Frank the Japanned Bootpolish. “What say Hon. -Shakespeare about International Marriages? He-say, ‘When Princes wed -there is such big show that other Hon. Freaks must crawl out under tent.’” - -“Do you not say jokey-talk when you mention that Hon. Prince among other -Hon. Freaks?” I inquire to know. - -“Ah no!” rejoy that Frank. “Is not one Hon. Prince some Freak? Yes, -surely so! Is not one baby born with crown on top of skull as curio to -see as one baby born with six ears? Boots can be bet on it!” - -“Too sad,” I collapse with tear-drop of eye. “When one Hon. Prince come -to this U. S. persons should be more politeness. They should not make -groups around him with scissors to cut away souveners from him. They -should not lift off his Hon. Derby to take peeps at his Hon. Crown. Maybe -he is sensitive about his deformity!” - -“Hon. Princes is not entirely like other common Freaks,” debate Hon. -Frank. - -“With what for difference?” I reject. - -“Common Freaks is supported by Museums which do very well. Hon. Princes -is supported by Tradition which often forget to pay salary. Hence -appropriations must be voted in U. S. Senate for International Marriages.” - -My cousin Nogi, which hear them words we spoke in Japanese syllables, -come up and say, - -“If Hon. Senator Pelkins permit Hon. Duke de Buzzi to marry his family, -will this not be considered unpatriotick act to do? Will not Hon. Senator -occupy anonamous position in U. S. Senate?” This from Nogi. - -“I am reminded of fudge!” I relapse with expression of iced aristocrat. -“He will occupy elsewhere position!” - -“What committee in U. S. Senate could endure such Hon. Senator when so -related to pompous crown of Italy?” require Japanned Frank. - -“Committee on Foreign Relations would be very nice seat for such -Senator,” I commute with decorated appearance from eyebrow. - - * * * * * - -Mr. Editor, I am a shock & grief to see attitudes of this America to -them Nobilities caming here in seek for employment. Why for is such -high-tariff policy in this free kingdom on them European manufactured -goods like automobiles, barons and carved sculptors? America are entirely -anxious to become civilized—yet how can she get it without some of -them things made in Germany for small price? In France any mechanical -working-girl can afford to buy one small Baron on easy installment plan. -In Italy they are served as waiters with meals. Americans may collect -them in all countries of Europe, but in Custom House of U. S. they are -insulted and treated like works of art, because Hon. Jo-uncle Cannon are -so chivalrous about Hon. Sugar & Tobacco. - -But ah! I know, Mr. Editor. Hashimura Togo are on to some sure wisdom -about why them Hon. Nobles is so rare to get in this America when -delicious to have! Hon. Trusts do it!! It are one Combination in -Restraint of Trade. Day-by-year Hon. Small Dealer is crowdy to wall. -How often do Dukes come to America with purpose of marrying some Common -People? Never if seldom—except when them Common People is rich as they -are common. Who get first pick-out of the Sizzyeni and De Chagrin -families when they arrive to Custom House? Do Hon. Employment Bureaus? Do -Plumbers & Joiners Union? Do Beneficial Order of Elks? - -Reply is, NO! Who do, then? For answer write to Hon. La Folette who will -send, by stamp, list of persons who done it, including 97 varieties of -wealth. - - * * * * * - -Hon. Henry Watterson, who is official thinker for Kentucky, say-so that -this kingdom is deliciously disgusted about Princes because it are -entirely Democratick by vote. Foreign titles give especial loathing to -desperate patriots like Hon. Hearst, who say that all Dukes ought to be -shot; so he do so, thank you, with foto camera. - -During the wedding season in America it are nice trick for Japanese -Schoolboy to set in sofa of very gilt hotel and watch something. Pretty -soonly it arrive. It is one quiet gentleman of grey finish who make -sneak-walk in at tradesman entrance of hotel. He is scarcely to be -noticeable except for fact that he wear blue goggles & green beard to -appear natural. As he approach to desk of Hon. Clerk there is nervous -creaking of furniture where Hon. Reporters is hidden in. - -“Name, please, to register it!” say Hon. Clerk with pen. - -“John Smith of Nebraska,” remit them stranger with Kansas accent. - -“You are a ugly word!” renig that Clerk with teeth. “Nobody in Nebraska -have such queer name like John Smith.” - -(Impatient noises heard from kodaks behind furniture.) - -“On what business are you here on?” relapse Hon. Clerk. - -“I ain’t not here on no business. I are——” - -“You _are_,” abjurgate Clerk, “then you admit it!” - -“He admit it!!” cry-out 17 Reporters & 9 Photographers arising from -furniture. - -“Which do I admit?” desire Hon. Stranger beginning to make tears. - -“You are the Prince de Chagrin!” collapse all in unicorn. - -“Discovery!” cry that unhappy Prince, fainting away into bar-room. All -kodaks explode simultaneously. - -With immediate quickness that Hotel become one International Affair. -Telegraf editors of all prominent newspresses set desks in lobby to be -near it; hallway in front of bedroom where Hon. Prince is awake, is -full with interviewers, biographers, historians, popular novelists, -muck-rakers, scratch-artists, paint-artists, photographers & engravers. - -Pretty soonly _Evening Bagpipe_ come out. On back page is grand editorial -of magnificent tipe of title “How We Despise that Nobility!” To prove -them contempt of nobility, _Evening Bagpipe_ print live-size portrait -on front page showing Hon. de Chagrin being draped in automobile with -America & French flags by Cupid & mothology ladies. By each ½ hour -_Evening Bagpipe_ arrive with extra edition to tell what might be next, -as follows: - - _10 o’clock extra!_—Prince de Chagrin took elevator to - wine-room and say, “Make it two!” This is an almost proof that - he is engaged. - - _10:30 double extra!!_—Royal Prince de Chagrin was saw - looking at palace of Hon. J. W. Moneywortz this morning with - matrimonial expression. - - _11 o’clock pink extra!!!_—His Highness, Prince de Chagrin, - shook hands with Senator Johnson with democratick laugh. Hon. - Senator, with great presence of mind, said, “My daughter is - already married.” - - _11:30 double pink sporting extra!!!!_—His Royal Highness, - Prince de Chagrin, stopped at Seidlitz Gallery and looked 1½ - minutes at photo of famous chorus-girl. Thrilling story of this - lady’s life (if she got one) will appear in 3 color for Sunday - extra supplement with souvenir toy baloons. - - _12 o’clock green international suicide extra!!!!!_—His - Majesty, Prince de Chagrin, have disappeared. Nobody else is - missing—what to tell? - - _13 o’clock extra, extra, extra!!!!!!_—Hon. Emperor de Chagrin - traced 5 miles on road to Chicago by broken kodaks. Maybe it - was someone else. - -By lamplight yesterday I attend one Hon. Lecture at Socialist Hall. - -“Time will came, and soonly,” say Hon. Lecture “when working man of -America will got everything he want.” - -“Will he got a foreign title for self & family?” I enquire with voice. - -For them question I was rejected for being a Japanese Spy. - -And yet it was a fairful question to reply. If Hon. Workman deserve to -own the Trusts he also deserve to own them Dukes & Princes what Hon. -Trusts is working seriously to make corner for. If Hon. Farmer of rural -populus can have 1 automobile and his Hon. Wife 1 Pianola, can not his -Hon. Daughter set on porch with some Italian Nobility by summer evening? -Can not Petaluma _Clarion_ appear each weekly with following gossip of -neighbouring live-stock: - -“Bill Brown’s daughter, Countess Rockheimer & husband, made visit to the -farm this week. Welcome, strangers! - -“Si Perkins, Marquis of Perkins Corners, was out plowing the North Acre -on Saturday. His Lordship is a very fine hustle. - -“There is one new Duke in the Snodgrass family. It’s a boy this time. - -“Senator Elkhorn of Coalopolis are absent from town on trip to St. -Petersburg for visit his son-in-law the Czar of Russia. Town looks pretty -dead without the genial Senator!” - -No, Mr. Editor, trouble with this country is not too many Dukes, but too -less of them. If Americans seen a Duke in every cigar-store they would -not name cigars after him. This is also found amongst lower species. -Insects is arranged carefully in glass boxes and named after difficult -Latin poets as long as they are scarce and sly about being coaxed by -collectors. But when them same Hon. Insects is discovered in colonies -leading simple life among potato plants they are generally regarded to be -Bugs. Thus I transfer it from Japanese poetry: - - If Grasshop Bugs was merely scarce to see - And human persons was not used to its - Remarkabilious ways, all-world might be - Admiring of his limbs the way they fits. - - But Grasshop Bugs has got around so thick - That persons sweep them up in pans and pails, - And Poets, while them lovelus Grasshops kick, - Are somewheres else admiring Nightingales! - -I am given to be understood that Hon. King Manuel of Portugal are looking -for young lady willing to be queen. Them news are causing very dangerous -heart-throb in family circle of U. S. Senate. - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - -S. P.—One banzai thought! Several months pass-by ago one imperious -Japanese Prince make visit to America. Since he return to Japan there has -not been least slightest rumor of engagement to him of Miss Vanderhooley -of Newport. How he escape from? This is one other evidence of superior -Japanese stratagem. I have feeling of boast! - - H. T. - - - - -XXVI - -THE SERVANT PROBLEMB - - - SAN FRANCISCO, Sept. 11th. - - _To Editor New York Newspaper which make very tough projectile - for mind to chew._ - -HON. MR. SIR—At Asiatick Delight Japanese Employment Bureau where I am -found mostly always pleading for jobs with price $2, kindness loan of -Cousin Nogi, I am a stand-up in line yesterday with other 43 Japanese -Schoolboys which was also nervus about it. S. Muto, Prop. of this Hon. -Bureau, see me with smile of riticule, because he do. - -“Togo you are residing here so oftenly you might bring trunk and sleep. -Why so jobless all time? When I give you delicious something to do it, -you are back by return carfare for more.” - -“Your jobs is all perishable, Hon. Muto,” I exaggerate. “They will not -keep in such climate.” - -“You are also unkept,” decompose this Muto. “You are a wrong Japanese to -speek such slamber about my jobs. You are a Servant Problemb!” - -At such American insult I feel Samurai instinct with wrists. My interior -soul make kicking performance of jiu jitsu—but outside my moustache I am -a very smiling embassy like Hon. Baron Takahira. - -“I am so delight to hear!” I renig for sarcastick. “I am aware of being a -Yellow Peril—to be also a Servant Problemb are considerable distinguish. -I am pretty pride about myself to be so much altogether.” - -“Why so you no stick to one job of work and thusly gain experience by?” -he denounce. - -“Because-so,” I report. “Thank you, I can gain considerable plenty -experience by losing jobs. I know because I do.” - -“It are person like you that make Servant Problemb in this kingdom,” -collapse Hon. Muto with peev. - -“If I are such fine Servant Problemb,” I say with voice, “why you no get -me one job doing it? Maybe some sweet-hearted American wish to hire such -a Problemb for $3 a week & board it. So I shall willingly go there with -valise.” - -“Have you got some good references of recommend to show you could hold -situation of Servant Problemb elsewheres?” he say it. - -“Of sure I have!” I degrade, so I took from my inward vest following -recommend of my intelligence which I wrote myself: - - 1—Mrs. C. W. O’Brien, honourable lady, where I do table-wait - & terrible ordeel from fresh American gentleman who say “Jap - boy!” with voice so I am very sorry when hot soup drown him at - collar & I am next irritate to race-riot with Whang So, China - boy of dogly face & terminate there by hanging him by the tail - of his head to hon. doorknob. Good-bye, Mrs. C. W. O’Brien! - Time there was 3 week. - - 2—Hon. Miss Maizie Jone, young lady of considerable antiquity & - large average weight, promise pay me 10c hr. teach her bisickle - ride. I teach her gently by up-hill; but by down-hill teaching - become deliciously rapid because of nervousness enjoyed by - hon. machinery. Japanese Boy is earnest to stop it & can not - do until Baker Wagon ensue & leave Hon. Maizie broken among - machinery. I am Hospital Corps for help; but Hon. Maizie become - loudly thankless. Time there was ½ hr & no pay. - - 3—Board House of Mrs. Van Horn. There I am guaranteed for - experienced window-wash. This is high task of scrubbing and I - am serious about it until suds-bucket overspill 3 stories to - top of Episcopal Clergyman who notice it. Hashimura Togo depart - with fire-alarm. Time there was 2 days, 15 minite. - - 4—Golden West Garage where I am manicure for automobiles. “Are - you acquainted to do?” say Hon. Boss. “O gladly!” I bereft. I - try, but Hon. Gasolene object by explosion. I do not care for - this place. Time there was 6 minites. - - 5—I am nurse-maiden for delighted home of Duglas Willkins, - Sausalito. I am request to perambulate Hon. Godfrey, which is - a baby, out near some fresh air which he enjoy breathing it. - There I meet Wanda, Japanese socialist, who discourse with me - about Private Ownership. While this important talk is doing - Hon. Baby get himself detached from buggy-ride by one method - or another. I am conversing too much to notice this until Hon. - Mrs. Willkins approach to say with hysterick, “Where is them - Baby?” I should like to answer. By search for it I discover - Hon. Baby aslumbering amongst huckledock bush by road. She do - not miss me at departure. Time there was 3 days. - -Hon. Sago Sadoyama, who is a professor of American magazine-reading, was -found at them Employment Bureau looking for it also. While awaiting for -jobs we was delighted to have a discuss. He say upwards of this: - -“I read in populus magazine for 10c one article of title ‘Why Do Servants -Leave Good Homes When They Are Fired?’ I ask to know.” - -“Answer to this is, Because,” I snuggle. - -“Ah no!” say this Sago. “It are because Declamation of Independence make -them quit it.” - -“How thus?” I delay. - -“Because so,” say Sago. “Them Declamation pronounce ‘All persons is -crated free & equal.’ That are nice maxim for school-houses, city halls, -grocery stores & other patriotick edifices; but it ain’t no good maxim -for put over kitchen stove. Each Household Lady what require to keep -Hon. Cook in kitchen must keep pretty silent about Hon. Declamation of -Independence, or Hon. Cook might get suspicious that there is one. - -“Suppose that Hon. Cook should see such a Declamation while she was -setting down to skin hon. potatoes for lunching. While there she hear -Hon. Mrs. from parlour-room play tune of ‘Jolly Widow’ in key of piano. -Of suddenly Hon. Cook drop pair-knife with immediate brain-thought. - -“‘Sake of!’ she decry. ‘If all persons is crated free & equal, why -to skin potatoe? No person what is free & equal ever skin a potatoe. -Therefore not.’ - -“Silence from kitchen, then. Pretty soonly it are 1.30 of clock-time and -Hon. Mr. Phillup retire home from paint-works enjoying faintness. - -“‘Hon. Mrs.’ he say-so to female wife, ‘where is them lunch to eat it?’ - -“‘I will seen about,’ say Hon. Mrs. from piano play. So she go kitchen -expressing angry rage by feet. There she find Hon. Cook wearing Jolly -Widow headware & setting on valise meaning good-bye. - -“‘Bertha, kindly please, where is them lunch to cook it?’ she deserve. - -“‘Can not do, thank you,’ deliver that Hon. Cook. ‘I are crated free & -equal. Also dam gas-range enjoy large leak. Therefore I am delight to -tell you farewell because I am a decent average girl.’ - -“That Bertha then depart from kitchen taking part of it with her,” say -Sago. - -“Servant ladies what is too free & equal is found at liberty nearly -all-time,” I rebate with Asiatick salute. - - * * * * * - -One wise Professor which is mistaken say “Trouble of these United State -is that servants is no good.” Such childhood to say! Trouble of these -United State is that servants is _too_ good. Most of them is too good -to work except when drove to by hungry symptoms of esophagus. Cooking -lady are too good for sweep; sweeping lady are too good for window-wash; -window-wash lady are too good for scrub; and scrubbing lady are too good -for anything. Frequently at least some Hon. Employer when he hire Hon. -Servant forget how good them person is. Then he must be snub. - -“Are you a drunkard by habit?” enquire Hon. Employer. - -“I are,” relapse Hon. Servant. “Are you?” - -“Are you careful of frugality, industrious, steady moral, nice -sleep-hours, early-rise man?” require that Employer for nervus shock. - -“I are not,” reply them Servant. “Are you?” - -Hon. Employer now enjoy transom of angry rage. - -“You must be unfitted for any good job of work to do it!” he corrode. - -“Of sure I are,” flotate that Hon. Servant. “How nicely you are guessing -things!” - -Hon. Employer stand gast for fluttering brain. - -“You know who I are?” require Hon. Servant. - -“I am aware at last,” say Employer. “You are Upton Sincere the Boy -Noveller attempting to give me write-down for famous novel ‘The -Meatropolis,’ which will describe my disgusting wealth. You are fired in -advance,” say Hon. Employer escaping to hide self under bed. - -In Japan, China, Corea & other happy islands where persons has sense -enough to be entirely Heathens, Servant Problembs is not there because it -is absent, thank you. There, when Hon. Servant are awaiting on you, you -are aware of it. Tea is served by crolling on seat of stummick & bumping -with forehead to announce it are ready. If Japanese Servant require to -cease job he are legally require to ask Hon. Employer. If Hon. Employer -give his consent, Hon. Servant are legally require to do hari-kiri with -dull knife to show how grateful he feel. - -This custom make Japanese Servant bashful about asking to quit. - -Servants is exceptional to most golden rule, I am at liberty to suppose. -Are it not glory-bird feel to be Independent? Ain’t not them Independence -a grand motion for hearts what makes hero go fife-drumming to blaze -of fireworks & sley something or be dead about it? Hon. Vergil say in -Latin class, “How nice it is to die for your Country!” And yet so, what -American of intelligence would care to employ one Hero to do servanting -around house? Would it be pleasant to have one Cook what is fond of -sleying something to fife-drum music? Answer is, No!! If Hon. Butler -absorb gin-wine & march through dining-room with purpose to die for his -Country he are immediately discouraged by remark, “Hush! Baby is asleep.” - -When a patriot are Independent he are called “glorious.” - -When a Servant are Independent he are called “undependable.” - -Here is some tuneless poetry about a domesticated cook: - - -_CONVERSATION WITH A NEGLECTED AMERICAN_ - - Alice O’Rafferty, Swedish Servant, - Tell me to know, - What hast you forgotten to make you have such wild-hair expression of - look? - Hast you forgotten - Childhood home & don’t-forget-me blossom - Of dear old mother neath - Apple-tree bud? - Hast you forgotten - Some very nice love-song of early springly time - By shade of water-cress - And daffy-dills sweetly blend? - I require answer, please! - “Ah no, I ain’t forgot them things,” - Response Alice-Sit-by-the-Stove, - “But I hast forgotten - To put any carrots - In Hon. Soup.” - She weep. - - Alice O’Rafferty, Swedish Servant, - What volume of book - Have you got hid under wash-board? - Are it some technical work - On heating buns? - Are it entitle, - “How to construct a mince pie on an income of $1,000 a year?” - Are it entitle - “Dainty Dishes for Peevish Palates”? - I ask to look. - “Ah no,” response that estimate female, - “It are a fairy-story entitle ‘Marriage of Wm. Ashes,’ - By Mrs. Humpley Ward.” - Sighs from her. - “Life of cook are very mean and sordy,” - She say, - And splotter tear-drop on Humpley Ward book. - - Alice O’Rafferty, Swedish Servant, - Tell me to know— - But hark! - I hear something burning with smudge! - Maybe it are a house afire, - But it smell remarkabilously like - Soda biskits what has ignited therselves - In oven. - -Hoping you are having no trouble with your Public Servants, I am - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - -[Illustration: “‘I require to leave message for Cousin Charley at -Washington’”] - - - - -XXVII - -THE FEETSTEPS OF SCIENCE - - - SAN FRANCISCO, Sept. 24th. - - _To Editor New York Newspaper who I include to list of wireless - friends._ - -DEAREST SIR—One thousands of year previous to now time-date what was -heard in America from both ends? Howeling of savages who enjoyed it. What -is heard by to-day time? Considerable more howeling, thank you; but it is -being did over Columbus, Mr. Editor, Hon. New York _Journal_ telephone. -Before discovery of Manhattan by was embarrassed for awfully little -quantities of scientifick interest to print. By present time of date -Hon. Reporter for them _Journal_ are heartsick to keep 100 years ahead -of feetsteps of Science for Sunday edition. Such is vast straddel of -Modern Education. If all them Scientifick Fact I read about is truthful, -then this world of which we live are getting along too fastly to be -good-healthy. If it keep on going at thus rate some day Chicago will -explode & be off map. - -Science, Mr. Editor, am a very benefital thing when took in -moderate doses. It keep Professors from going to Congress, it make -murder-by-machinery very pleasant and give Naval Construction Board -chanst to insult itself. Yet do Science of such quantity compel persons -to be more happier in sweetheart surroundings of home-life? Simple -candlelight of our New English ansisters beampt on happy glow-faces of -dear family gathered at table-cloth to eat local bean off cob. Do Newport -Father & Mother of present to-day felt more entranced setting below 100 -horsepower chandelier awaiting, O so vainly, for their female daughter -to elope with some Duke of foreign arrival? To disappointed heart, Mr. -Editor, Science can’t do nothing despite of electrick fans, all-night -elevator and 5-day Cunard to Liverpool. Electrick fans are impossible to -drive away Hon. Care, all-night elevator can’t not lift a sorry man out -of himself and it ain’t no use to go Liverpool in one 5-days boat if Hon. -Trouble have got there first. - -In newspaper-press I see about one Professor of Oklahoma University which -discover a very surprised Science. He have found how to do it to abolish -Old Age by electricity. Following is recipe to do it at home: - - 1—Choose one ripe old man enjoying decline of years. - - 2—Take him in very dark room and soak him 24 hours in bath of - sulphurick acid. - - 3—Rub to delicious dryness, simmer him over oil stove & expose - to sunstroke, 20 minutes. - - 4—He is then ready to abolish by electricity. Do this by - fastening storage battery to base of brain and increasing dose - till 105 centigrades is enjoyed. - - 5—Old man ought to be pretty active by this space of time. If - not he is too spoiled. Try another one. - -I am excitable about this recipe, Mr. Editor, because I got one -Grandfather residing in Yeddo who is now 97 old and will not keep very -longer in that climbate. If I arrive back to dear Japan before he pass -off I shall do friendship duty to abolish Grandfather by electricity. - - * * * * * - -In newspaper press I discover about Sir Olive Lodge, nearly related -to Senator Lodge from Boston. Hon. Sir Lodge say-how that disembowled -spirits of departed dead-ones is frequently discovered by Science. By -evening time, say Hon. Sir Lodge, when intelligent person is setting -alone to unrobe by bureau he must be sensitive about knocking. You hear -_bump-bump_ on high wall-paper of bedroom? That are not cause by Hon. -Johnson, boarder upstairs, dropping shoes to carpet. My nervus sakes! -What is? _Thump-thump!_ It is wireless Ghost from Away Off trying to act -interesting. - -“What require?” you must ask to know from Hon. Ghost. - -“I am Napoleon Bonaparte,” say Hon. Ghost by signal-practise. “I require -to leave message for Cousin Charley at Washington.” - -“What to say to this Hon. Charley?” you dictate for answer. - -“Don’t be too dam fierce about Predatory Richness,” say Napoleon -Bonaparte to Charley Bonaparte. “Remember us Corsican family got ours by -tooking it.” - -He is going to say-so some more, but is shut off by Central for them -profane swear he said it. - -Hon. Edison say-so he is going to make one invention of Spiritualistick -Telephone so Americans can talk with dead persons more conveniently. This -will be nice subjeck to improve. By present method when persons wishes -to correspond with Ghosts, etc., they must go to Medium who require 50c -to throw herself into trances and connect you with wrong parties. But -when them Spiritualistick Telephones is invent them conversations with -graveyards may be got for price 10c sum. On them happy time Japanese Boy -can go to any telephone booth and require of lady Operette. - -“Hello, thank you! Give me to telephone 3604 Spiritland, please! Yes -sir! Hello-it—is Hon. Wm. Shakespeare residing there to talk? Thank you -again! Is them you, Mr. Shakespeare? One question to reply for Japanese -Boy, please. Who wrote them trajick of Julius Cæsar? Hon. Bernard -Shaw?—No?—He improve it, you say? Oh, them ain’t no news! Hon. Shaw know -that already. One more reply, please—hello—get from off the wire, please, -Mr. Thackeray!—” - -I am sincerely to hope that persons will get more better telephone -service between Here and Hereafter than between San Francisco and Oakland. - -An eminent surgery of Columbus University have invent new species of -laughter-gas call “electrick sleep.” Both tooth & appendix might be -pulled by this Science, Sydney Katsu, Jr., tell me. Hon. Patience will -be in bed dreaming of something different while everything is removed. -Electrick shock is applied to loeb of brain to create calm which is -followed by whatever knifing is necessary to create a good-healthy. -Absent treatment may be gave by connecting victim to telegraf wire. - -Hon. Prof. Monsterburg have devise one crafty Machine which can -discover prevaricus Liars by clock-work. This Hon. Machine are called a -Ananiascope. The apperatux is glued to mouth of one poor malefactor what -is telling his testimonial to Hon. Judge. While that poor malefactor say -truth Hon. Machine remain very polite about it; but when he say lie, -then Hon. Machine is so shocked that it ring one alarm clock & that -poor malefactor enjoy lock-away in jail. Hon. Machine have not yet been -experimented on mouths of rich malefactors. Some says it will be took to -White House soonly. Some says it will not be necessary there. - -One machinery of name called “gyroscope” is very immediately to -revolutionize in circles. This wonderful whirler can be put on any -railroad train, and beholt! with immediate quickness them train proceed -along on one wheel. Irish gentleman what invent that gyroscope promise -for it to do everything. It will abolish all crimes of railroad, -including accidents, collisions, rebating, lobbying & Pullman porters. -Hon. Harriman will be very fond of them gyroscope railroads, because they -will be run on one rail. Railroads with 1 rail can merely be fined ½ as -much by Interstate Commerce Commission. - -This week, Mr. Editor, them mysterious problemb of Mechanical Flight -have been solved by Hons. Bell, Farman, Wright, Santos-Dumont & Ben -F. Tillman. Lighter-than-air baloons is no longer consider in vogy. -Hotter-than-air machines is now fashionable for flight. Hon. Bell make -sensationous flight of 8 seconds and travel 14 feet, breaking New Jersey -record & machine. Hon. Tillman stay up in air 2 hours 14 minutes and -travel from Panama Canal to Philippine Tariff, landing with considerable -jar on the Administration. This break Congressional record. - -Famous Doctor of Switzerland have discry sure cure for cancer by -moonlight ray. If this do not discourage the finest cancer in 10 lessons -it can be used on tuberculosis with equal benefit of result. This is a -very positive remedy which have only been known to fail in cases where -persons has really got cancer. - - * * * * * - -Mr. Editor, them is but a few number of Scientifick renovations discover -by me in this morning press. I am not doubtful that I could found a -great number of more by looking in more yellow colour of news. Science -advances, Mr. Sir, according to speed of paper for which you subscribe to. - -In age of Wm. Jennings Bryan there was one famous Frenchman, Hon. Jules -Verne, who write polobrious adventure-book about flying to moon on -cannon-ball, tripping from New York to Pekin by subway & annexation of -America to Africa by floating islands. In age of Roosevelt Hon. Verne -is consider one very truthful old gentleman, but too slow & quiet about -telling facts. Any Hon. Reporter on newspaper what can not discover more -exciting scientifick news for morning edition would be suppressed for -lack of talents & put to writing real-estate forecasts on back column. - -Time of Medieval Superstition are pass-by, Mr. Editor, and I am -congratulate on it. Christians is very skeptic about believing that -Hon. World are schedule to come to end-up because of sins. But if extra -edition of _Morning Bagpipe_ should make red-tipe announcement: - - !!WORLD TIPPING OVER!! - - SIR ARTHUR WALLOP, NOTORIOUS SCIENTIST SAY, “EARTH IS - OVERLOADED ON EAST SIDE!” - - INHABITANTS OF CHINA MUST MOVE BEFORE - AWFUL SPILL! - -If I seen them headlights on paper, Mr. Editor, I would enjoy great -fright and spend 25c to get more later editions. - - * * * * * - -Mr. Editor, I did not noticed your signature among them 97 rulers of -America mentioned in statistick of Hon. La Folette. Maybe I subscribe to -wrong paper. - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - -S. P.—Will Mr. Abruzzi be entitled by marriage to seat in U. S. Senate? I -am confused for reply. - - H. T. - - - - -XXVIII - -THE HON. MARS - - - SAN FRANCISCO, September 30th. - - _To Editor New York Newspaper who make me to think of - astronomical subjecks._ - -DEAREST SIR—Considerable scientists has been making observations of Hon. -Planet Mars by very recent time; so I have also been doing so by use of -opera-glasses which I borrow secretively from Sydney Katsu, Jr., Japanese -dentistry. For time of several nights I have regarded this Star with -fixed eye for long moments together, but I have not enjoyed to discover -them famous Canals because I not could see them, thank you. And yet -perhaps this was no fault blame of Hon. Mars, but of them disgusting -Katsu glasses what are dimmed all over and enjoy breakage of right -eyelid. This must make very wrong astronomy. - -However is, I am excited to wrote Popular Science about Hon. Mars because -any intelligent person can do so after turning eye-glasses to heaven. - -Is Hon. Mars inhabited by people? is question for Japanese Boy. Even -if-so it is, why should Americans become excited about it? We know by -thoughtful knowledge that nearly all places is inhabited by something. -Are we not-so familiar with fact that Ireland is inhabited? No excitement -about that! Does we not know exactly that New Jersey is inhabited? No -excitement about that, except on Presidential year! Then why should Hon. -Mars receive all this free advertisement? I ask to know. - -American scientist say, “In near adjoining future we shall make talk -with them Mars persons.” So foolish to try! We are acquaintanceship with -too many people already. Then why should we travel by telescopes trying -to make back-talk with stars? Maybe Americans will be peevishly careful -about associating with Mars persons when they see them. Maybe American -labour unions will send letter of protest to Emperor of Mars about -allowing them disgusting immigrants all over California. Maybe coolie -gentlemans from Mars will try get job of work in Vancouver cannery and -enjoy kick-out by race-riot. Oh! such delicious laugh for all Japanese -Boys!! - -No, Mr. Editor, it is a very nervus task for these U. S. to encourage -foreign relations with stars, planets, islands and other heathens what -they do not know nothing about. America one time did open up Japan in -them careless manner and very soonly she have one Yellow Peril on -fingers. By same operation she open up Philippine Islands and immediately -Hon. Taft become embarrassed by enormous family of brown complexions. If -Hon. Roosevelt is appointed Emperor of America once more-time would it -be convenient to send Hon. Taft on trip to Mars to make once more Manila -speech about “Our Little Green Brother?” I ask no reply. - - * * * * * - -No human person have yet been to Mars with exception of Hon. H. G. -Wells, who stops at nothing. So he write freely for the Magazines. He -go to Mars, he say, with letter of introduction to Mayors, Politicians, -etc., and have intimate & confidential chatter with them inhabitants. -These Mars persons, say Hon. Wells, lives in elaborate cities what -closely resembles Coney Island. They are very swift about place-to-place -movements which is done by shooting the chutes. By government they are -Socialistic with a Pianola attachment. Children of these Mars persons -is born in incubators and educated by Absent Treatment. The inhabitants -of Mars is delightfully different from the inhabitants of Maine. The -inhabitants of Maine talks through their noses while the inhabitants of -Mars talks through their ears. - -Mars, say Hon. Wells, is so circumscribed by light-minded atmosphere -that persons can talk there on heaviest subjecks without enjoying pain. -Persons with feathers sprouting from them in inexperienced places may be -seen in baloons speaking about Tariff, Aldrich Currency Bill, Ultimate -Destiny of College-bred Womans and other topical thoughts what can be -dropped in that delicious atmosphere without causing sounds. This planet -is pretty ideal. Old Age has also been abolished by Congress. - -Mr. Editor, if Mars is like Hon. Wells say it is, somebody should be -punished for discovering it. - -Some other Professors has wrote for magazines about this Hon. Mars in -very statistical language. Sydney Katsu, Jr., when he arrive to remove -me from them opera-glasses, show me one respectable magazine full of -alarming portraits of Mars with stripes all over it. He say they was took -by Hon. Prof. Lowell, an astronomy who went to Arizona. - -“Why should a tame Professor go to Arizona?” I require with suspicious -expression. - -“Hon. Prof. Lowell go to Arizona to see Hon. Mars,” collapse this Sydney. - -“Do Hon. Mars live in Arizona?” I deploy for ignorance. - -“It is estimated to be beyond it,” signify Sydney. - -“You are a very toothsome dentistry,” I dally forth. “Please, then, told -me what species of Politics is enjoyed by this Hon. Mars?” - -“Hon. Mars is solidly Republican by Politics,” say Sydney, “because I am -aware.” - -“What make you so aware?” I require for curiosity. - -“Because-so this,” manifest Sydney. “Some distinct Professor say in -Magazine, ‘Mars is considerably cut up with 10,000 Panama Canals!’” - -“What do this prove about Hon. Republican Party?” I require. - -“It prove plenty,” say Sydney. “Would Democratic Administration dig -10,000 Panama Canals on such a planet? Would Hon. Henry Watterson permit -such a great shovel? Ah, no!! Republican Party is blame for putting all -them surgery on face of Mars!” - -“Them 10,000 Panama Canals must took several Presidential terms to dig -it,” I say for philosophy. - -“Third terms is often followed by more of it in some Solar Systems,” -embark this Sydney with J. B. Forker expression. - -In discussion of how get there to Mars we was considerable discouraged -persons, thank you. Railroads might go there by Government Ownership, but -would they? Distance from U. S. to Hon. Mars is a very extensive row of -arithmetic. In speaking of such compendious figures it is easy to drop -several millions of miles without feeling bad about it. - -“Such a trip is too expensive,” said Sydney. “If one Japanese Boy -desiring to go to Mars should travel all over Earth and collect $1 eech -from eech man, womans & children, he would not yet have sufficient -money-pay for trip to Mars.” - -“If I had possession of such ability to collect $1 apiece from all mans, -womans & child of this Earth I would not be particular about going to -Mars,” I renig with American eye-wink. - -I then go to bed for brain-ache full of astronomy. - - * * * * * - -While setting at my bureau to-night I drop inkstand and look uply -at midnight sky, but I discover its absence because there is not no -window in the frugality of my bedroom. So I am satisfied to read one -newspaper-print which is published on Earth each evening. I read about -Hon. Aldrich Porous Plaster Finance, some useless information about Hon. -Terry McGovern, some intelligent elopement of Bank Presidents and several -other crimes of etiquette with portraiture on front page. But there is -no news about Hon. Mars. So I am supposing that nothing happens there -frequently. That is a nice fact to know about Mars, if nothing else -is discovered. It is pleasant for Japanese Boy to imagine that this -planet is not civilized like Hon. Wells and other prophets say-so about -it. It is sweet to thought that none of them machinery like sky-scrape, -elevator, hot-and-cold-water, subway & gasolene is inhabiting that Hon. -Star. How much more dearer would it be for Japanese Boy if Hon. Mars -was just one plain-finish Planet where refined persons could go after -death to set inside their souls and get away from this noisy panick of -ottomobiles! - -Therefore I got a poem— - - -_TWINKLE, TWINKLY, LITTLE MARS_ - - Twinkle, twinkly, little Mars, - How I am mistaken to understood you! - So far removal - That you are wholesomely educative to Hashimura Togo, - If nothing else. - Isn’t there not something about Stars - Similar to Ladies? - I bet it there is! - Sometime, by watchful gloam-time - Loving gentlemen sit to watch for come of Fiancee. - He look—— Ah! - She is approaching with light feetsteps. - He feel so exclamitory—— - Then, of suddenly, - When she is so near as to be more accurately inspect by eye, - That lover seems mistook; - So disjunctive! - Alast! - It is not her of which he waited— - It is some other else - Wearing similar ostrich in her hat. - She is maidenly, but elderly. - That lover reverences her respectibility, - But he is considerable quiet about it. - “Good evening, Miss Murphy,” he say, - Then make fudge exclamation in deep breath - And depart by trolley-ride. - Are you like them things I told, Mr. Mars? - Are you more suitable for astronomy - Than for farming? - Are you nice for telescopes, - But poor land for potatoe-grow? - I enquire. - - Twinkle, twinkly, little Mars, - I demand you this: - Reply with some intelligence to answer about yourself, or else - I am suspicious. - Can you guarantee them Canals - To be entirely - Antiseptic? No malaria, no mosquitos? - Good place for Japan-American Annual Picnic? - If you have not got no Oceans, - How can you enjoy - Naval battles, sea-illness, whales - And all summer amusements what proper persons require to be - good-healthy? - If I should go to there, Mr. Mars, - Would you give me contract - For steady job? - Could I have Sunday off, please?— - Or don’t you enjoy them holidays? - Could I have evening-time - To study piano-play - And works of Darwin, Huxley & Jack London? - Could I have good bright room with steam-pipe in winter - And warm bath-room for splunge? - Oh! Hon. Mars, I require to know. - Reply to me in vision of nightmare, - Telegraf in dreams. - Answer before 10 o’clock Wednesday - Because I have got offer to work - In steam laundry of - W. G. Sullivan, Oakland. - -This, Mr. Editor, is a fancy poem which expects no reply because it is -too literary. Therefore I will accept that Sullivan job. It is more -easier to go to Oakland for a laundry job than to Mars for a Cabinet -Position. - -Hoping you are enjoying some of that financial distrust, - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - -S. P.—Last Friday night Japanese Thinking Society wished very much that -you was there among it. They indulged a debate on “What is a Superman?” -Cousin Nogi say “Theodore Roosevelt.” I. Anazuma say “Bernard Shaw,” but -Hashimura Togo say “Arthur Kickahajama is it, because his wife is happy -about twins.” I was made a prize for this of 50c which will be Carnegie -medal to Mrs. Kickahajama. - - H. T. - - - - -XXIX - -STANDARD OILING ACROSS PARTY LINES - - - SAN FRANCISCO, October 4th. - - _Editor New York Newspaper which ought to act kind of sweet & - gentle to Prairie Dog Refined & Oily Co. of Oklahoma because - they are a Small Dealer and has a Hard Stroggle._ - -HON. MR.—“There are nothing more meaner and sneeky than to took money -from children, cripples & other idiots,” say Arthur Kickahajama yesterday -with brite smile of truth. - -“There are one thing more meaner & sneeky,” I dib for Loo Darkstutter -expression. - -“What could be?” are sharp report for Arthur. - -“To took money from Standard Oil are more meaner,” I say it. - -“Can not Hon. Standard Oil afford to lose such money?” corporate Arthur. - -“Ah yes,” I stupify, “but seldom persons can afford to accept it.” - -“I could receive such a gifts,” say Arthur. - -“Hush it,” are hiss from me; “who knows what? Maybe Hon. Hearst have got -you already on sporty page beside portrait of Jno. D. Rockefeller at -sinful age of 13. Maybe you are already politickly dead and buried under -following headline: - - HE TOOK IT!! - - PUSSITIVE PROOF THAT ARTHUR - T. KICKAHAJAMA, FOOLISH MISSIONARY - BOY, RECEIVE 2C STAMP FROM - OIL TRUST!!” - -“O please excuse!” say Arthur for pale chop. “I have not yet took them -Standard Oily money have I?” - -“Not yet, but when?” say I nervusly. “You must now be in constant state -of collapse. Any moment something might happen. Each hour post-officer -might make door-ring with yellow envelop. - -“‘Why I get this envelop?’ you require of post-officer with Japanese -puzzle of brain. - -“‘Perhaps something are inside of it,’ snuggest Hon. Carry-it. - -“‘What would be inside of such a envelop?’ you ask to know. - -“‘From experience I suspect it are a letter,’ say Hon. Mailer. - -“You rap open envelop—and O surely so, it _are_ a letter! It begin with -usual form, - - “‘MY DEAR SENATOR—I enclose a tiny check for household - expenses. When front porch needs paint & carpenter telegraph me - by wire & don’t mention it. - - “‘Your obedient master, - - “‘JOHN D. ARCHYBOLD.’ - -“From envelop fall a slice of paper. You pick up & read with entirely -cross eyes. It say $50,000.” - -“What I do then?” muse Arthur with moist lips. - -“If you are a decent man you will faint slightly. But it are no use. -Already you are a ruined Japanese. - -“You go forthly to street-walk revolved to lead a better life & brace -uply. You should like to be honest. How useless! With quaker feeling of -ankles you straggle to saloon of Hon. Strunsky, Irish patriot. - -“‘Please Hon. Mr.,’ you sub, ‘one humbel job for poor Japanese who can -still mop away beer at $.10 per hourly payment.’ - -“‘What references got, please?’ dib Hon. Strunsky. - -“You become entirely tonsilitis for answer. Shameful blushes from ears & -eyebrows. You gollup & your breath is full of pants. - -“‘Speech immediately!’ growly them famous bartend. ‘Already I have 6 -costomers awaiting to get drunk. Again I ask to know: What references you -got?’ - -“‘I got here letter from Jno. D. Archybold of 26 Broadway,’ you reject -with soul full of clams. - -“‘What say?’ dib them Strunsky with N. Y. _Journal_ noise. ‘You come to -my clean saloon asking for 1 position of publick trust and are sneekretly -carrying around with you a letter what would not be tolerated in the U. -S. Senate? You would be noticeable even in Pennsylvania!’ - -“And with them remark he roll you over beer-kag by family entrance. Night -approach and you are alone with your scratches.” - -“And what next?” require Arthur with bumped imagination. - -“Ain’t no next for you and Gov. Haskle,” are reproach from me. - -“Yet a singed worm will twist,” submit Arthur. “Would Gov. Haskle make -sweet-dog smile to Hon. Roosevelt when he are enjoying all them delicious -scratches?” - -“Perhapsly might,” am regard I make. - -“What-say famous saw-wisdom?” require Arthur. “It-say, ‘Scratch a Russian -and you strike a Tartar.’” - -“Scratch a Senator and you strike Oil,” are smart quotation for Japanese -Schoolboy. - - * * * * * - -Hon. Roosevelt have just called Hon. Bryan a Chimera. That were a very -mean curse. A Chimera, Mr. Editor, are a horid nature-fake discovered in -a vacant lott by Baccus, a prominent Greek drunkard. This queery mammal -start in to resemble a goat, but he lost interest in the subjeck about -the middle of his body, so he continue on backwards in a squimyform -appendix to look like a bow constricktor. The goatly part of this beast, -Mr. Editor, are mild and fond of common people and he love to nibble -vegetarian diet in Utopia where he live; but the rear extension of that -Chimera continue to point in the direction of Wall Street where it make -wig-wag signals of distress. The farm-yard part of them Chimera were born -in 1896, but the wiggly part were nailed on at the Denver Convention this -year. - -Hon. John Burro say that animals do not think. The Chimera are an animal. -Hon. Roosevelt agree with John Burro on all subjecks. - -Hon. Hearst, when he discover Hon. Haskle and Hon. Forker in act of -Standard Oiling, done a pretty fine servis to this kingdom of America. -When I think of all that good he done I extend my hand to Hon. Hearst—and -then apologize to my Hand. That were a pretty nice stab which Hon. Hearst -made, not because he hated Haskle less, but because he hated Bryan more. - -S. Wanda, Japanese Socialist, say that Hon. Hearst done what he did for -love of truth & justis. Hope so he did! But when Hon. Hearst do things -for love of truth & justis I enjoy suspicious feeling of elbow. I am -reminded of a mustylogical legend of antique Japan. - -Ten thousand entire years before Hon. Darwin discovered monkeys in -England there reside in Kyoto a politician name Suki-ho who run for -Supervisor on Democratick ticket & was beat by a nother politician name -Yen-Yen. When this result was happened Hon. Suki-ho enjoy such angry -rages he turn entirely blue & blow smoke through ears. Oftenly he motter, -“I make a lay-to for this Yen-Yen.” - -One day when it was serious heat of July Hon. Suki-ho meet a entirely mad -dog & enjoy being bit on ankle. - -“O banzai of joy!” decry this patient. “I soonly shall develop a rabbi. -Then I shall bite my dog O-Fido so he will get it.” - -“Why you wish bite O-Fido?” require all neighbour for shocky voice. “You -got grouches for them nice pet?” - -“O-Fido are sweet companion,” arnicate that Suki-ho, “but I shall -deelight to see him bite pet dog of Hon. Yen-Yen with a wild germ.” - -“You got gruj for them lap-dog of Hon. Yen-Yen?” they ask it. - -“Not by no means,” erupt Hon. Suki-ho, “but if I bite O-Fido & O-Fido -bite lap-dog of Yen-Yen, then lap-dog will bite Yen-Yen—and _he_ are the -sinful crawfishing malefactor I are anxious to get equal with.” - - * * * * * - -Mr. Editor, they was not no Pastor Institute in them days, so Hon. -Suki-ho were hit in skull with pick-ax before he could snarl at O-Fido. -And it were too bad, because Hon. Yen-Yen’s dog were a pretty predatory -canan. - - * * * * * - -Mr. Editor, what-say Hon. Matt Luther in Germany some bye-gones since? He -say, “Be true to your trust and you will get reward in Heaven.” Numberous -American patriots has make hark-up to them words of Hon. Luther & been -very useful to both Parties. But they got their rewards in several kinds -of elsewhere. Hon. Haskle was true to his trust & got his reward in -Oklahoma. Hon. Forker was true to his trust and got his reward in bank -deposits. Both are good ways to know. - -Them two extinguished statesmen are alike to Matt Luther in another way. -Hon. Luther enjoyed a Diet of Worms. Hon. Haskle & Hon. Forker are now -enjoying a Diet of Wormwood and feeling considerable gall about it. And -Hon. Roosevelt are having more fun than he can shake a Stick at. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - -_SPIRAL SONG OF AMERICAN CLAW-BIRD_ - - O screaming! - Last night when it was entirely p. m. by larm clock (kindness loan of - Cousin Nogi) - An American claw-bird - Made perching on my dream - And skreech! - I enjoy a very swift night-horse. - I dream them claw-bird - Approach to me with yellow envelope - Of deliciously oiled appearance. - I ope it for rapture, - Then wisht I hadn’t. - For inside were a note which say - “My dear Senator— - “Please find enclosed check for $30,000 which ain’t here but are on - deposit in second pawnshop around corner. Make eye-wink signal to - clerk and see what happen. We received that pipe-line you sent us - from Washington. Awful thanks. Send another. - “Yours for business - “Jno. D. Archybold. - “S. P.—Mr. Hearst have already got a copy of this letter, so you can - destroy.” - - I read them dreamy letter - With laughing soul— - I are famous already! - How proud my Ancestors and their folks will be to know that Hashimura - Togo, ambitious boy, have stole $30,000 and done so honestly! - I put on derby, - I put on gum-slippers - And make sneek-walk to second pawnshop around corner— - But alast! - When I got there it were closed. - I knock-knock— - I hear noise like a mystery behind door-knob, - “Who there?” - “Friend from Oklahoma!” I dib deceptively. - - When low! - Door burst outly - And earnest gentleman - With expression of eternal vigilance committee - And Big Club by brite spektacles and teeth - Rush out for hit. - “Haskle!” say he, - “Rascal!” say-me. - “Then you are him!” say angry Vision making dents in my thoughtful - brain. - “No, I are another Haskle,” I choke off— - “I are Jim Haskle, - A far distant cousin, - Or something else.” - “Ha-ho!” laugh them Vengeance, - “Then please to told me——” - - But I are saved such humility - By being kicked out of bed - By Sydney Katsu, Jr., - My share-bunk. - O praise to Heaven, - Praise to Ancestors, - Praise to Sydney Katsu, Jr., - I have rather be kicked - Out of 1,000 bunks - By a Friendly Foot - Than out of 1 Democratick Party - By a Independence Leg. - - - - -XXX - -THE HON. BOMB - - - SAN FRANCISCO, October 14th. - - _To Editor New York Newspaper, who is there, I suppose._ - -DEAR SIR—“Hon. Russia have no Constitution,” say Cousin Nogi from -newspaper. “She require to get one with considerable quick.” - -“Of what use is Hon. Constitution to got it?” I enquire for answer. - -“It is good thing to follow flags,” dictate Nogi who presume so. - -“Constitution would have had delicious job following Russian flag in -Manchuria,” I collapse with Port Arthur eye-wink. - -“Hon. Russia expect to obtain freedom in soon space of time,” simplify -this Nogi. - -“How she expects to got them freedom?” I ask to know. - -“By bombs & bombast,” agitate Nogi. - -“Do Hon. Bombs get freedom for persons?” I exemplify. - -“Of sure it do!” say Nogi. “If one Revolutional gentleman make step-up -to me with hand-clasp full of lit bombs and decry, ‘Give me freedom for -Hon. Russia before I excite this dynamite!’ what I reply to them speek? I -reply, ‘To be certainly, Mr. Murder. Took all the freedom you require for -Hon. Russia and do not worry about returning it.’” - -“You are ashamed!” I snub for scorn. “Japanese samurai should not enjoy -fear of explosions.” - -“I ain’t not afraid of explosions,” he-say. “I am merely modest about -loud noises.” - -Nogi would make very neat Czar for Russia. - -Of recently, Mr. Editor, I hear one Hon. Anarchist speek about them -Revolution which is being postponed in Russia. This gentleman is very -courageous with whiskers which he wear in all directions. He say -following statistick about Hon. Bomb: - -“Something are wrong about them Hon. Bombs made in St. Petersburg. They -don’t never explode when requested to do so. Hon. Bombs made in Japan is -more better for assassinations, because they is very faithful about going -off.” This from Hon. Anarchist. - -Them truth about Hon. Bombs, Mr. Editor, is difference between -all-every-thing did by Russia & Japan. Japanese persons make war; it go -off, thank you. Russian persons make war; it sizzle out by oratory. Hon. -Bomb of Japan is very energetick & dutiful; Hon. Bomb of Russia is full -of free-love policies, vodka, Gorky, shoe-buttons & face-powder. When -requested to go off it hesitate with insulting splutters, make deceptive -pretence of going to sleep; and when, of finally, it _do_ explode, it -enjoy that eruption in vest-pocket of Hon. Nihilinsky, who is waiting on -steps of Sts. Peter & Paul to salute Little Father. - -Russian Revolution is entirely like that way. Nothing Russian goes off -on time. Even their boots is difficult to remove promptly and with their -hair it is impossible to do so. Some wise Revolutionals say, “What Russia -need is one good program.” So fudge to think! Genius of Russia people is -all-time making delicious programs which is forgotten, thank you, before -Hon. Duma gets a chance to talk about something else. Russia has greatest -statesmen and poorest politicians of all-world. - -When Russian Revolutional leader gets took with a dream he say, “Ah! I -have got a Program!” Immediate sensation enjoyed among Red Wing of Holy -Terror Synod. - -“What to do with?” require Hon. Snortsky, Radical Leader from -Dynamitovitch Province. - -“To read it,” say Hon. Leader. So he fold out following Program which he -read with considerable elocution: - - 1—10.30 P.M. to-night Russian people will meet at Smithsky’s - Vodka Parlours and declare themselves free of the yoke of - Ramanoff. - - 2—11.30 they will go sneekretly with brass band to grocery - store of Samsky Jonesoff and sign Declaration of Independence. - - 3—12.30 they will stand together and give pass-key word of - Revolution “Potempotemptomjinvery,” which will be sign for - up-rise of peasants in Baltick Province. - - 4—1.30 they will go to bed, setting infernal machines for 8.29, - when get-up will ensue. - - 5—9.30 all common people of Russia will go to Nevsky Prospeckt, - where Hon. Czar & bullet-proof procession will make pass-by - going to Peace Conference at Hague. Hon. Czar, wife & family, - Grand Duke Splurgius, Grand Duchess Nazimova and all other - persons with such names will enjoy blow-up with infernal - machines. - - 6—Russia will then become Constitutional Republick with plans - furnished by Bluejean V. Debs. - -This delicious Program are given to Russian people who, with fanatick -enthusiasm, carry it out as following: - - 1—10.30 P.M. enormous number of Revolutionals meets at - Smithsky’s Vodka Parlours. Speeches, vodka & debate. All - infernal machines cleaned & repaired. Debate, vodka & speeches. - Famous Liberal Leaders made welcome. Vodka & debate. Red Wing - of Holy Terror do some very serious politicks. Vodka. - - 2—11.30 they all forget to go to grocery store of Samsky - Jonesoff where Declaration of Independence is waiting to be - signed. - - 3—12.30 they forget how to pronounce “Potempotemptomjinvery,” - so they don’t. - - 4—1.30 they forget to go to bed. - - 5—9.30 they forget to go to Nevsky Prospeckt and Czar forgets - to go by in procession to Hague. - -Sometime, Mr. Editor, this Program are one trifle more fortunate. -Sometime 12 or 13 of common people of Russia remember to go to Nevsky -Prospeckt at 9.30, carrying mottoes, flags, infernal machinery & other -patriotick devices. Pretty soonly along come Little Father in bomb-proof -carriage. - -“Gen. Creepoff,” he say to Chief of Police, “what are all them tick-tock -sounds I hear like busy day in Waterbury Watch factory?” - -“Them,” say Gen. Creepoff, “are infernal machinery of Russian people -waiting to give your Majesty God-speed.” - -“What time is them machinery set for?” say Majesty rubbing pale nerves at -elbow. - -“For 9.30 A. M., Hon. Sire,” say Gen. - -“Drive onwards, Hon. Coachman,” say Little Father with smiling -expression. “Them infernal machinery will not go off before 1.30, because -every clock in St. Petersburg is 4 hours slow!” - -And so it do happen. Them patent exploders lay in gutter waiting with -loud clock-work noise till afternoon-time. They don’t see no aristocracy -worth blowing up, so they don’t. But with immediate promptness at 1.30 P. -M. all them machine make smash-off and kill parade of Cigar Makers’ Union -out on strike. - - * * * * * - -Mr. Editor, one gentleman of New York, of recently, throw bomb to Hon. -Police who afterward pick him together from fence & trees. He was -Nihilist gentleman who was practising. Bombs is more noisy than pianos -when practised on, but they has less endurance. When Hon. Police with -club enquire of them Hon. Nihilist, “Why did you done them explosion with -Hon. Bomb?” he make reply for answer, “Because-so I am disagreeable about -your politicks.” - -Bombs is very wrong things to have around when you are disagreeable -about anything. I ask to know; what would be result if all persons done -that for argument? I am disagreeable about W. Furo who come around with -Italian garlick in his voice. Must I bomb him for it? I am offended by -Hon. Strunsky, Irish gentleman who keeps saloon. Shall I make bang-up of -him because of? Must I explode all labour unions, Democrats, Christians -and troubles of life, including Cousin Nogi, who is secretive about -my refined shirt he borrow for Sunday next? Ah no! Dynamite are too -expensive to be so generous with. - -I am regretful, Mr. Editor, to see them foreign species of explosions -being brought over to this kingdom of America where murder has always -been very simple & democratick. It are nassuating to Japanese Boy to see -them Baltick propoganders dropping deathly fireworks into Union Square, -N. Y. It is one sneeky trick. How much more honest and straight-fronted -are it to see one Southern Congressman shoot negro vote in street-car -of Washington! Black Handed Association of Italian secret knife-stick -are very doggish case of lowdown deprave; but Night Riding Association -of American lynchers is considered very necessary band of patriotick -terrors. When Black Handers shoot Italian banker it is call “imported -crime;” when Night Riders shoot Southern farmer it is call “American -custom.” There are great difference between them acts, but both are good -ways to know. - -There is some philanthropists what goes around Hon. World bombing kings, -emperors, etc., whenever one is met. - -“Why you explode them kings & emperors?” I enquire to know of one Hon. -Asassin I meet at sidewalk. - -“Because-so,” say Hon. Asassin, “by sufficient bombing, shoot-gun & -poison of soup I expect to rid Hon. World of its entire rulers.” - -“Such childhood thought!” I decline. “When you kill Hon. Emperor, what -happen? There is still Hon. President. When you kill Hon. President, -how yet? There is still Hon. Sec. of State. Him asassinated, then there -remain House of Representators, which might be blew up, but Governors -of all States must be also exploded, to remove rulers. Then which? -Then there is Mayors of towns to gunpowder, then political Boss of -each election district. When them is erupted Hon. Aldermans must enjoy -gunshot wound. They are dead. What next? Then city hall employees, street -cleaning department, board of healthful & all clerks of city treasury. -All buried with funerals. Oh my! We have forgot to dynamite Hon. Police -Department. _That_ are a job for considerable chemicals, but it can be -done by patient bombing. Pretty soonly nothing of Hon. Police but smoke -& occasional brass buttons as souvenirs. What then? Each grown man with -American moustache arise to wife and say, ‘I am ruler of this homested!’ -Bang for him! Pretty good job of explosion. After this, basso voice of -mans is very hard to hear. No gentlemans left in Hon. World except small -collection of Hon. Anarchists which is all running for President on -Independent ticket.” - -“And what must ensue then?” aggrope Hon. Anarchist with bomb. - -“Then,” I snuggest, “country must select ruler. Nothing to do but to -elect one Anarchist, which do not believe in rulers. Therefore Anarchists -boom bomb to each other till all are minus by decease.” - -“Banzai!” say Anarchist. “When all are thus dead there will be nobody -remaining to be rulers! Such ideal affairs!!” - -“Such is wrong statistick,” I say. “When men is all dead, then will be -fine politicks for Suffergettes.” - -Hon. Anarchist hear this and disjoint himself with groans. When person -sets out to explode all Rulers in this Hon. World we have got too large -Fourth of July for Powder Trust to handle. - -Hoping you will be in time for red flag before blow-off, - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - -S. P.—I know it! Last night by street-corner Anarchist oratory say-so -“soil of Russia is wet with tear-drops of walked-over peasantry.” Maybe -that is trouble with Russian bombs. - - H. T. - - - - -XXXI - -ENJOYMENT OF HUNGER AMONG POOR MANS - - - SAN FRANCISCO, October 18th. - - _To my friendship companion, Editor New York newspaper, which - is a very warm thing._ - -DEAR MR.—When Hon. Taft make Presedential Speech to idle labouring -classes in N. Y. of recently, one Hungry Man in audience send up -following question to know: - -_“How can I get job and food when I have not got it?”_ - -Hon. Taft, which had been answering with prompt delivery such fearful -difficult questions like “How to shut up the Tariff?” “What was dying -speech of Ralph Waldo Emerson?” “Was Hamlet insane?” etc., make moment of -solum hesitation before large simplicity of that Hungry Man question, - -_“How can I get job & food when I have not got it?”_ - -For sixty-four seconds of clock-time he pause wiping dew-drop from neck, -then, standing seriously with elbows in pockets, he make following famous -reply, - -“God knows!” - -Mr. Editor, I don’t not believe that Hon. Taft referred that reply to -higher authority because of ignorance inside of brain. Hon. Taft is kind -& wise Judge of considerable practice—then why he not able to answer -in 64 seconds that Question what labouring classes have been enquiring -to know in North Dakota, South Dakota, Europe, Asia & Africa for 64 -centuries? How can he be very nice President for these U. S. if not? - -May be-so Hon. Taft will give some serious brain-thought to this -problem before nomination-day. If he is too busy with himself to do it, -Japanese Boy will told him how to find out. Go, please at once and read -editorial-page of Hon. Hearst, where all Great Questions, including -marriage, socialism, underwear, care of teeth, religion, horse-racing, -etc., is answered to delicious satisfaction of all persons who read -nothing else. Hon. Taft would not say “God only knows!” after such -instructive course of reading. - - * * * * * - -But in the meanwhile, what have happen to that Hungry Man? If he is -still waiting for meal-time he must be enjoying considerable Social -Unrest, because Hunger and Social Unrest are very affectionate chumbs. -Hon. Wilshire have heard of this Hungry Man question “How to get food -when not got it?” and Hon. Wilshire answer with considerable speed, “By -changing the Existing Order of Things.” That is very intelligible reply, -but I ask to know: Can that Hungry Man wait for lunch while Hon. Wilshire -changes Existing Order of Things? - -There is considerable conversation to be heard about changing Existing -Order of Things. Maybe so it can be. But some kind gentleman what would -change Existing Disorder of Things would receive more solid Japanese Vote. - -I. Anazuma, Japanese barber of Taft enthusiasm, deploy, “Hungry Man can -enquire of Charity for it.” - -I make considerable banzai with laugh. - -“Faith, Hope & Charity is celebrated triplets for sculptors to make,” I -allude. “Persons must have elaborate amounts of Faith & Hope to obtain -some Charity out of them organizations of it.” - -“How deserving must poor be to obtain groceries for it?” ask this Anazuma. - -So I tell this Japanese barber following yarn-tale of charity while he -was putting hair-cut on my head: - -Hon. Oscar Casey, dough-baker for wages, suddenly become unemployed by -no job. He would be delighted to make bread somewhere, but he is not -required there, thank you. So he soonly begin enjoying hunger & faint -symptoms of esophagus. He make street-walk to see what. In midst of -promenading he observe one intensely beautiful sky-scrape palace with -sign on it - - “ORGANIZED MAGNATE CHARITY CO.” - -“Oh ha!” say Hon. Casey for blissful ankles. “I will apply myself to this -charitable place and require some of it.” - -In Italian marble hallway Elevator Man meet him to enquire, - -“Name, if convenient!” - -“I am name Hon. Oscar Casey, formerly skillful at dough-baking.” - -“This is very wrong doorway for bakers,” collapse Elevator Man. “Apply to -trademan entrance.” - -So down to trademan entrance this Hon. Casey go, where he is collided by -Hon. Janitor. - -“What suffering from?” declaim this Hon. Janitor. - -“I am enjoying hunger,” signify this Hon. Casey. - -“What degree of hunger?” he inquire to know. - -“Thirty-third degree, please,” pacify Casey who is sure of it. - -“Have you one Doctor’s Certificate to prove such a conditional appetite?” -decry Hon. Janitor. - -“I have neglected to get!” profess this Casey. - -“Then go get!” say Janitor. “Come back next Wednesday-noon with doctoring -Certificate to prove you are habitually hungry; also deliver references -from 3 clubs and 2 banks to prove that you are financially responsible.” - - * * * * * - -Saying-so thus Janitor make slam-door. - -Hon. Casey exist, maybe, on Faith & Hope waiting for Charity to arrive by -Wednesday-noon. That day he apply again to Janitor of Organized Magnate -Charity. - -“Have you brung them certificate?” demand that stern office. - -“No, not to do, because I feel foolish to,” say Hon. Casey. - -“If you feel so foolish,” say Hon. Janitor, “apply for ade to Home for -Feebly Minded.” So to Feebly Minded Residence elope that hopeful Casey. - -“What required, please?” say lady matron of that weak-thinking place. - -“Something to eat it!” demand Hon. Casey. Matron of soft-memory -headquarters look very severe with face. - -“Why did you not require at Organized Magnate Charity Co. for it?” - -“I done so, please,” say Casey. - -“And what of?” collapse Hon. Matron. - -“They treat me like dog!” say him. - -“Quite well,” deploy Hon. Madam. “Then you should apply to Society for -Prevention of Cruelty to Animals for helping aid.” - -Hon. Casey limp to Animal Cruelty place, but is kept outside with other -sickly dogs while fashionable millinary inside listens to lecture on -“Crimes of Vivisection.” - -What, then, can Casey do for luncheon which is becoming impatient? Where -he go to obtain job of situation? When man ask for work in Pennsylvania -they say, “Go to California.” When he inquire for employment in -California they decry, “Go to Arizona.” When he report for job in Arizona -they proclaim, “Go to Blazes!” But by this time he no can do, because -car-fare is too exhausted to continue travelling. - -Hungry Man desiring to become criminal might burst in some bank—but what -would he find if he did? - - * * * * * - -I am a schoolfriend of Frank the Japanned Bootpolish, who is a very -thoughtful caretaker for shines on all feet with no extra charge -for tan & Russian leather. His name, which is pronounce “Frank” in -America-language, is called Kurumazitsu Ubunodzuruma in Japanese-talk. -Nearly every _u_ in this name is pronounced silently, please, which make -a very delicious noise for all Japanese to hear. But America-mans cannot -neglect business to finish such words: therefore they say “Frank,” which -is good short-order name for Christians to use. - -This Frank, who is studying to be a Anarchist, come to me yesterday to -use my room-rent. - -“One million mans is now idly looking for work,” he-say. - -“In what city?” I require to examine. He is hesitated by confusion. - -“I am neglectful to enquiry,” he profess. “Maybe it was in New York or -Chicago. It is difficult to suspect Syracuse or Toledo of so much idle -population.” - -“Figures is habitually truthful,” I suffocate in kind voice. “Therefore -it is important to discover how to obtain jobs of employment for them -1,000,000 mans.” - -“Some 150,000 of them persons belongs to idly wealthy classes,” renig -this Frank. “It would be insulting to offer them jobs of employment.” - -“I am relieved to hear,” I report. “It is our duty, then, to find work -for merely 850,000 human persons who are not now doing so.” - -“This is not hard problemb for 2 bright Japanese Boys to answer,” -promote that Hon. Frank sharpening pencil. - -So with immediate quickness we find employment for them 850,000 workers -by following statistick: - - 100,000 is to have jobs on Police Force which is never sufficiently - enough. - 250,000 is to be joined to Stand-up Army which Gen. Hobson requires - to fight Japan or any other friendly Power. - 75,000 to be kerosene-sprinkles & encourage mosquitos to - race-suicide. - 100,000 to be Bill-collectors & take fines away from Quelled - Corporations. - 50,000 circus-riders to join Roosevelt’s Rough Officers’ Class. - ------- - 575,000 for sum-total who we have got jobs for. - -That leaved 275,000 still looking for work which Frank refused to find -for them because he was enjoying considerable head-ache. We might have -did some kindness of act for them, but could we? If Hon. Taft, when asked -“How shall able-body worker get it?” must reply for answer “God knows!” -is not Japanese Boys excusable for forgetting a few thousand? - -Them 275,000 workers might do digging operations on Panama Canal, but -would they? Climbate is too much miasma down so low in the map. Hon. -Frank the Japanned Bootpolish say-how that Hon. Roosevelt might move -Panama Canal to New Jersey where climbate is more callabrious. This is a -very brilliant plan for Congress to ignore. - -If them million mans is idly unemployed is it fault of America because? -Many American patriots who says these U. S. have very wicked government -are persons which comes from Baltic provinces of Russia where common -people is not wonderfully successful about governing therselves. Can -Pres. Roosevelt obtain cheerful advice from them persons which is only -happy when enjoying misery? - -Yet it is not best-beautiful thing for any kingdom to have 1,000,000 mans -idly unemployed. Hon. Chancellor Day, famous Socialist, say it is all to -blame of Pres. Roosevelt who done it. Maybe so it is. In great Christian -country like this it is very dangerous experiment to preach the law “Thou -shalt not steal.” Panick of fear is apt to follow with general shut-up of -factories, trust companies & other religious institutions. - - * * * * * - -Hon. Forker say, “This kingdom need some new President what will restore -publick Confidence.” - -Such brightness of idea! Let us have get-together and elect Hon. Forker -so that all publick Confidence Men can be restored to power! - -Hoping you will be one of them, - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - -S. P.—If you have got anything & wish to write it to me by letter, my -address of residence is as following: - - _H. Togo,_ - _Patriots of Japan Boarding and Lodging,_ - _Near Water Front_ - _Back room by Kitchenette_ - _Care Frank the Japanned Bootpolish._ _San Francisco._ - -Sometime I am not to at-home, but Frank, which is one sweet schoolfriend -to me, will poke it under door till I return from permanent seek for -employment. - - H. T. - - - - -XXXII - -THE ALCOHOLIC TEMPERANCE MOVEMENT - - - SAN FRANCISCO, October 22d. - - _To Editor of New York Newspaper which is often read by all - Japanese who can afford it, I assure you._ - -DEAR SIR—I am given to be told by some wise Editors, etc., that these U. -S. is now enjoying the temperance of Prohibition in many States and more -too. Although I can not notice such a movement in this street, perhaps -it is slightly true. In several sections of this kingdom whisky-drunking -is becoming unknown by law, salooners is quitting that sinfulness & all -bar-keeps is retiring from that public office. In South, army of reform -is playing “Marching Through Georgia” on water-pitchers. Is this a -truthful news what I hear? I enquire to know, so I can go there, please. - -By newspaper print I read this early morning: “Wave of temperance against -salooners is creeping in direction of New York.” First I greet this -with glad banzai, then I am depressed of thought. Wave of temperate -prohibition is on road to New York, but will it arrive there? And if it -should do this, what will happen to it when got there? That is problem -for Japanese Boy. - -And yet I am earnest to say it. Prohibition of drunk is a comfortable -blessing to demand, because it is very difficulty for white persons to be -tame when exposed to wild beverages. Irish, Swedish, Italian & Jewish is -most useful for calamities by feeding them whisky. Japanese is also too -patriotic when enjoying bun-bun. - - * * * * * - -In the great cities of America where persons is brought together for -living over each other by sky-scrape apartment the sell of whisky spoil -the low layers of society. Labouring classes stop being it because of -alcohol poison and other ingredients to be found in it. Labourer so -poisoned can not support dear wife & child because he is resting in jail -for what he done. This is especially true of Chicago. - -Tip-top layers of society also enjoy poison from this liquour curse, but -they are less pitiful because they do not rest in jail. Salooners must -not be forsaken by wealthy persons because these can still be respected -when least respectable. But salooners must be closed up from low layers -of society which must continue to work and keep up appearances of great -city. If not these, who would? - -Whisky is divided into four kinds of bottle by following statistick: - - 1. Whisky of Scottish descent to be drunk standing up. - - 2. Whisky of Irish descent to be drunk setting down. - - 3. Whisky of American nationality to be took in bed. - - 4. Whisky of patent medical origin to be took before death. - -None of these beverages must be taken without family physician. Alcohol -do most injury to cities. In country districts it is less harmful because -there is more room for it to stampede. - -At the Sunday school of which I am a membership to learn languages, etc., -we there have Japanese Boy Temperance League which meet every Tuesday -night for prohibition conversation. I attend to this meeting regularity, -because free lemonade of delightful sourness is furnished free. Hon. Miss -K. N. McGee, Christian lady of light-weight beauty, come there to teach -us how to do so. She instruct us in the song-sing melody, “Cold Water is -the Drunk for Me,” and explain about the various mocking qualities of -wine. When she say “wine is mocker” do she mean about some wine which is -imitation of some other brand? She does not answer to reply. - -She say, “Mr. Togo, you must not drunk any drink however mild, because -this lead to stronger and stronger yet till gray hairs to sorry grave.” - -“Do water-drunking lead to lemonade drunking?” I require. - -“Maybe so it might,” she otter. - -“So thus, do lemonade-drunking result for soda-water thirsty?” - -“Perhaps is,” she contradict. - -“Then if, do soda-water collapse to ginger-ale tonic?” - -“I signify it.” - -“And this then: Might Japanese Boy what is raised by ginger-ale crave for -beer-drunking from this?” - -“I am dangerous to reply,” say this Hon. Miss McGee. - -“So sorry to hear!” I terminate. “Because weak-drunk lead to -strong-drunk, strong-drunk to powerful-drunk—and yet you say it! What for -you teach Japanese Boy ‘Cold Water is the Drunk for Me’? Water lead to -lemonade, lemonade to soda-water, soda-water to ginger-ale, ginger-ale to -beer-glass—sakes of living! What to do with this thirsty?” - -“Togo,” she commute, “you are too foolish to learn what of. This -evening-time when lemonade is pass around you must avoid it because too -tempting.” - -I listen, and yet I will not do so. - - * * * * * - -The reason why I make disagreeable argument about the temperance is not -because I do not believe it is good for all human animals. O no! It is -most best blessing for those communities which desire to be cleanly and -modern plumbing. But why should this hon. lady be so Christian in the way -she say it? Can only Christians be prohibition? What about heathens like -I am-so who do not care about wine-sip & beer-gulp? Must they accompany -this quietness of thirst with song-sing about cold water? Answer is, No! -Many heathens is very abstemperous of stomach. Many Christians is not. -Many Christians when become filled up with alcohol feel obliged to make -crimes including boastful talk which lead to murder of something. Will -driving out of salooners in business do good for those bad persons? I -hope to be. - -To enquire about what will happen to salooners when drove out I go to -Hon. Strunsky, Irish gentleman who conduct saloon. - -“Honourable sir,” I magnify, “if the legal laws of this San Francisco -become prohibition, so sorry for you! What would you do with this saloon -to make profitable wealth from it?” - -“That is easy to reply,” say Hon. Strunsky. “I would turn it into a drug -store.” - -I am shuddering when I think of that deceptive man. - - * * * * * - -I have obtained a slight job of employment waiting on table-board of -Fujiyama Restaurant, H. Sunigawa, Prop. This profession give me $2 weekly -sum, also three times daily to eat it. As addition to money sum I receive -$1 weekly from my cousin Nogi to help him do Japanese spy work. From this -sum of $3 weekly pay I expend it away as following: - - Schoolbooks which I can not borrow .55 - Cigarettes & other dissipated joys .15 - Shoe-strings & neckties .20 - Contribution to church when necessary .05 - Car-fare for Japanese ladies .45 - Poker-playing & music .26 - ----- - Total of this $1.66 - -After this money has went you can count it, Mr. Editor. I have to keep -$1.34 of weekly cash which I will save together for sufficient boat-fare -to go back Japan. Maybe I will not go at that time—if so I will do -something else and get married. - -Of evening time I am frequent to attend lectures where I learn facts of -intelligence very cheap. Last night I go to speech of Dr. O. Sumuchi, -Japanese surgery, on subjeck of “Alcohol Inside of People.” Hon. Dr. -Sumuchi had most beautiful lecture because of magic-lantern showing human -stomach under surprised conditions. Following charts was showed during -lecture: - - No. 1.—Pink of colour. Exposure of stomach during calm moments - before alcohol has got there. - - No. 2.—More red of colour. Exposure of stomach which enjoys - happy, smiling expression because alcohol have arrived. - - No. 3.—Angry mix of colour. Exposure of this stomach when - alcohol have remain there too long for polite welcome. Stomach - now enjoy angry rage and desire to quit. - - No. 4.—Colour of Scottish plaid. Exposure of stomach when - alcohol have continue to do so too late. I am sorry for this - stomach because it look so brilliant, yet feel so dull! - -Dr. Sumuchi say so about that stomach when so fanciful from decoration of -alcohol. He say, “Such stomach is so satisfied by alcohol it will burn up -by striking match to it.” - -“Persons enjoying such a stomachs must avoid swallowing matches,” is -answer of Japanese Schoolboy. - -This is translation from Japanese temperance legend: - -Some time back in astronomy before the world got a very good start and -homely giants of disgusting profile was employing timber-trees for -tooth-pick, there reside in high top-mountain one bad Drink Dragon. -Now when that there Drink Dragon got thirsted he was a very serious -snake, thank you. When them giants would hear one grand roary-sound from -mountain they would make considerable eye-wink and decry, “Hon. Dragon is -enjoying trouble!” - -One morning by daylight this great Worm made landslide down mountain in -search of something with which to squelch his thirsty. Soon again he come -to Hon. Ocean and snuggest, “Good morning, Mr. Ocean, I have came to -drunk you up, please.” - -Then Ocean laugh considerable joke. “This is pretty wrong place for -thirsty Snake to come for gobbly rejoicing. I am great Prohibition Wave. -Nothing to do, Hon. Serpent!” - -Then this Drink Dragon throw fire-engine sparks from his gills making -earthquake and he go at that Hon. Ocean to devour it up. And Ocean, -with cyclone of storms, rise up on back legs to meet Hon. Dragon. One, -two! they arrive together! Such mixing of destruction, such powerful -struggly! Ocean make hiss on red-hot steam-pipe of Dragon and this -Serpent make hot stew of Ocean. O great jiu jitsu! First Snake push -Ocean to moon, then Ocean drag Dragon to North Pole. But finally, when -both is tired out, Dragon say, “Excuse it, Mr. Ocean, while I scratch -my eyebrow.” And while Dragon was doing that peaceful act, Hon. Ocean -took mean advantage and gollup Dragon to deep-down bottom. But he was -not dead. Oh no, thank you, Snakes is not slewed with this quickness of -speed. Ninety-nine thousand years relapse and Dragon swim up, one day, -on wave of temperance. And this time he is called Sea Serpent and is -permitted to remain, please. - -Moral for this tale is thus: - -Water-Wave can not drowned Drink Dragon, but it can cause very unhappy -feelings for that brutal beast, thank you. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - -XXXIII - -THE SALOON IN OUR TOWN - - - SAN FRANCISCO, October 28th. - - _To Editor New York Newspaper who offer prize to letter-writer - what can tell storey of best Drunk and can prove it._ - -HON. DEAR—In our town resides many Saloons; and when you have saw them -all you will be surprise to find there is several more just around -corner. Many of them Saloons can be told apart by looking at them. Some -of them is paint bright & goddy colour of a ottomobiles with screeches at -doors where they are red & purpal. Drunkerds what see that mad-coloured -outside must go inside & forget it. And when they are inside they must -stay there long time for nervus collapse. When they are inside they can’t -not see the outside—and in such a state who knows what? - -Other Saloons is managed with entire plate-glass and completely wooden -polish all over it to make deceptive resemblance of First National Bank, -so that refined drunkerds can go there with a stock-broke feeling. -Such Saloons require a paying teller to do barkeeping and be pretty -civilized, thank you. Them palaces is incomplete if they ain’t got over -Hon. Bar a horbly artistick oily-paint pink portrait of Mrs. Venus the -way she looked when Hon. Columbus discovered her. She got a hansom gilt -frame around her and nothing else. All them portraits cost $10,000 -apiece, because Hon. Barkeep say so. - -All Saloons has got a phonograf with exception of Hotels which has a -okestra. Americans which wishes to become drunk in silence must join -a Club. Hon. Strunsky, Irish salooner, make his phonograf play “I Am -Long about My Old Contucky Home” because he wish to serve sweetheart -influences with his beer; but Hon. Sheehan on opp. corner make _his_ -phonograf play “Happy Widow Waltz” and “We Won’t Go Home in the Darkness” -because he-say drunkerds often gets stingy & reforms when they hears -homesick musick. Hon. Strunsky say they drink to drown trouble, Hon. -Sheehan say they drink to cause it. Both are good ways to know. - - * * * * * - -Tuesday Hon. Strunsky, Irish salooner, give me temporarial job of work to -help persons get drunk by doing so. I am now not there as usual. But I -learn how-do while I was. In salooning whisky-drunk are applied to them -for price $.10 and beer-drunk for price $.05 eech goblet. Green persons -unacquainted with salooning have suppose it would be cheaper for drink -beer at $.05 for one long quench when whisky cost twict as much for 1 -tinty small splatter of. But such is truthless. One (1) small jounce from -whisky contain 2 or 3 times more vixen as a grown-up gobble full of beer. -Howeverly, iced drunkerds perfers beer because of pleased trickle. - -I are not permitted to sell it to them thirsts at Strunsky saloon, -because I are not sufficiently intelligent; so I must rubb glaswares & -mop to floor, also become attentive to Hon. Phonograf which require 68 -wind-up with squeek about “Old Contucky Home” which please G. W. McCann, -prominent Drunk, till he weep because it sound human. I am seriously -worked to keep this job; and yet I am entirely educational about all -intoxicants when doing so. - -“There is some good salooners and some bad,” say letter-writer to -newspaper. I have sneeked farly & wide with gum-slippers, but am disabled -to find such a bad salooner. Whenever I speek uply to a salooner for -question, “Are you such a bad salooner?” he answer for reply, “Ah, no! I -are an entirely good kind.” - -“Ain’t they no such things as Bad Salooners?” I ask Hon. Strunsky for -queery. - -“They _are_ some such,” he say for chased expression, “but they are -horbly difficult to discover.” - -Hon. Strunsky are a very nice variety of Good Salooner. He acknowledj it -himself. G. W. McCann say Hon. Strunsky have a heart like a watermelon. -I noticed it. It are large, but often deliciously iced. He are a sweet & -liberal man to all persons what got sufficient cash-money to pay for it. -When the poor calls to the bar of Strunsky for loan of money he seldom -turn them off with empty grouch. The safe of Hon. Strunsky is full of -watches, stuck-pins, repaired clothing, deed of house & lott, and other -hardware what the poor has left as security. Them sweet salooner will -never turn deaf eye to want & misery as long as want & misery will leave -month’s wages at Hon. Bar. A kindy man are Hon. Strunsky. - -This benefacting gentleman believe in keeping his saloon clean & full of -home influences. He don’t not believe in no rye-bald scenes of debutchery -around place. So when a coal-chuck become entire paralysis there, Hon. -Strunsky remove remainder of wage from pockets of them unforchnate man & -he are nex discovered in street. When U. S. marine sailor enjoy stab-cut -in this Strunsky home his remainder are dragged quietly to a alley full -of shadows so he will not die all over nice saw-dust floor. - -Last Wednesday while Hon. Strunsky was elsewhere talking about it Hon. -G. W. McCann, prominent drunkerd, come-me sneekretly with Standard Oil -expression and request 1 free drink as a loving gift. - -“Why you deserve such free gift?” is question for me. - -“I are a large tank-line & therefore entitled to occasional rebates,” he -betray. - -So I give him considerable goblet of and interview him for temperance -movement. - -“Why do men drink alcohol?” are first question I make. - -“Because they can not eat it,” are relapse for him. - -“Do whisky-booz do harmful injry to interior when took in excess?” I -repent. - -“Suppose so,” smack he, “59 successive tumblers are sufficient for a -strong man.” - -“Are a moderate drunk good for persons?” next come out. - -“O sure of!” he negotiate, “I can feel it doing so.” - -“It are no true joy what leave a dark browny taste in morning,” I say for -David Star Jordan expression. - -“It are no true joy in the morning, but it are a very fine imitation of -it the night before,” commute that sinny drunk. - -“Hon. Horce, famous Roman writer, say-how whisky make poets sing,” is -arrival for me. - -“Suppose he are right,” say Hon. McCann. “I have often enjoyed singing in -ears by early morning.” - -I make note of this phenomenal. - -“All saloons looks alike to me,” regret Hon. Drunk. - -“So sad to hear!” I rake out. “Saloons is entirely different in -appearance. Some is red, some pink, some plate-glassed by door to look -like National-Bank—how you no tell difference?” - -“We cross the bar at different places,” he report, “but we all come out -in the same boat.” - -“You regret downly path you took?” I ask it. - -“I got no regret, thank you,” he reject. “With another drink I could beat -the world.” - -So he go home and beat his wife, as usual. - - * * * * * - -In night-time I burst soda-syfen to mirror of Strunsky saloon, so I -decide to be a temperance Japanese & resign before discovery & kick. So I -go back to my bedstead at Patriots of Japan Board & Lodging where I find -O-Fido who make joy-signal to me by snubbed tail. He are merely a doggly -pup who ain’t got no soul to skare with Demon Rums, etc. He ain’t go no -ambition & are fond of milk. He imagine Hashimura Togo are Emperor of -Japan, I suppose. I permit him to be decieved. - -I remove off my shoes for comfert & took down book of Rubbert Burn, -famous Scotch, for read it. I study them soft musick about “Flow gentle, -sweet Afton”—and then I think how people say-so that he were most -greatest Poet when most drunk. Maybe-so he were; but I never seen no -drunks act that way around saloon of Hon. Strunsky. - -When—of suddenly—come rap-tap at door. And inwards arrive Bunkio Saguchi, -fly-away Japanese, with jaggly expression of one who has. - -“I wish to give banzai to entire human race to include Nick, Zar of -Russia, who are merely a mistake,” gollup Bunkio. “I wish to telegraf -happy greet to all politicians in & out of office to include Col. Guffey, -who——” - -He make set-down to floor because he think it was a chair. - -“You are in a toxic condition,” I dib frownly. - -“Many persons are most intelligent when so,” he motter. - -“Many persons are least so,” I flap back. - -“General Grant, great leader, enjoyed spells of drunk,” say Bunkio for -argument. - -“Alexander the Great enjoyed allepeptick fits,” I smoke up, “yet every -person what takes a spasm cannot conker new worlds.” - -“Many a battles has been won by gin-wine,” rasp that jaggly boy. - -“Battle of Mukden were not,” I dib. “In them battle Japanese was -full of banzai, Russians was full of vodka. To-morrow when you are -calm some brite Japanese Schoolboy will told you who won them famous -target-practice.” - -I put him in my bedstead & tock under covers for wet towel on brow. -Soonly he enjoy tear-drop of eye & say he was cris-crossed in love; then -he make good-night for eye-brows. - -Me & O-Fido go take walk & forget such scenery. At Oisoya Hotel, Pine St. -near Kerney, I see several Japanese Schoolboys doing a conversation. - -“To-night I are a Aunty Saloon Leg,” I say-it by virtuous chest. “But -to-morrow I may feel better & enjoy slight beer ceremony.” - -“Would America be more better without no saloons?” require Uncle Nichi -who was there. - -“Perhapsly,” I snuggest. “Hon. Rev. Chillworthy say, ‘If there was no -Drunks there wouldn’t be no Murders.’” - -“Occasional Murders makes life briter,” reflact Cousin Nogi. - -“If there was no saloons there would be no crime,” say Arthur Kickahajama. - -“There would also be no fun,” say Sydney Katsu, jr. - -“There would be no poverty,” say Frank the Japanned Boot-polish. - -“There would be no trusts,” say I. Anazuma. - -“There would be no enthusiasm,” say Sago Jokai. - -“There would be no insane asylums,” say Albert Sudekachi. - -“There would be no Poets,” say Hashimura Togo. - -If the saloon must go, Mr. Editor, see that it are put away in some -convenient place. I ask it. - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - -[Illustration: “‘O, sweethearted Mrs. Madam, I enjoy a brainache this -morning, thank you’”] - - - - -XXXIV - -ELECTION DAY - - - SAN FRANCISCO, November 1st. - - _To Editor New York Newspaper who have been frequently - nominated to be President by loving Japanese subscribers; but - he must refuse such jobs, thank you, because too busy with - ink-pen—and he would rather write than be President._ - -HON. MR. SIR—Election Day are now within short gasp of here & all -Japanese Schoolboys of my acquaintanceship are running back and forthly. -Symptoms of tense patriotism for them. I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, -have pasted in window-pain of his shave store 2 portraits of fat & -famous Americans. On one portrait he have wrote following description in -Japanese: - - HON. WM. JENNY BRYAN - _He Will Deliver the Nation out of Peril_ - -On other fat portrait he have wrote: - - HON. WM. H. TAFT - _He Will Deliver the Goods out of Kindness_ - -I were a-standing by sidewalk making eye-glances at them 2 sweet -portraits & choosing which to vote for (if Yellow Peril could do so, -thank you) when uply come Arthur Kickahajama with sad-dogged expression -of dizzy heart. - -“Hashimura Togo,” he unpack, “why you gaz at them 2 Presidents with -rapture of ears?” - -“Soon one will be elected,” I apply, “& then troubles of this Kingdom -will be all over.” - -“Over!!” dib Arthur Kickahajama for shreech. “Over!!!” He make thrills of -knuckles which are sure symbol of allepeptick fits. - -Then he drag from interior pocket of coat some rippings from -newspaper-press which he read me with hearse voice. From _Daily Hoot_, -violently conservative Republican paper, he read as following: - - “‘If Bryan are elected ruin will be enjoyed everywheres. Heaven - are expected to fall any minute. Corn will refuse to grow in - Kansas & National Guard will be called out to make it do so. In - South niggers will be darker & more lynched. Hens will neglect - to surrender their eggs. America will be considerably cursed. - Election of Hon. Bryan should be cause of great national - funeral.’” - -“So glad to hear this in time,” I riggle. “Therefore I shall vote for -Hon. Taft if I could.” - -Arthur for glum read following editorial from _Daily Riot_, seriously -Democratick hand-organ: - - “‘If Taft are elected America will quit. Common People will - be scrunched by drowntroddery. Truth will also receive - hourly chops by ax. Kings will appear everywheres riding in - automobiles. Daily excursions to Siberia will be enjoyed by - masses. Groans. Right of free speeches will be denied to Henry - Watterson & bloodshed must therefore ensue. Patriots will grunt - with deranged hair. Election of Hon. Taft should be cause of - great national mourning,’” - -“So sad!” say Arthur, “America must therefore go to complete doggly -smitthrine on date of Nov. 3.” - -“Are they no way to escape this?” I alarm with face. - -“Only one,” commute Arthur. “Perhapsly Bluejean V. Debs might be elected -by mistake.” - - * * * * * - -Mr. Editor, I go way from Arthur full of damp thoughts about Election -Day. I go to grassy yard of Mrs. Lusy Macdonald, 286 pounds complete -gentleness, and there I work my job assisting shrubbage to grow for $1.25 -weekly payment. My dog O-Fido company me there & are entirely useless, as -usual. While I are to work soothing her lawn with rakes I are continually -thinking for selfish brain: “If I merely had 1 day lie-off from work I -might do something to save America.” So I wish I could & O-Fido agree -with snubbed tail. - -Soonly come Mrs. Lusy Macdonald in dainty pink rapper which look like 3 -queens. Angelick expressions for her. - -“Togo,” she say-it, “have you got a ill to look so languish?” - -“O! sweethearted Mrs. Madam, I enjoy a brainache this morning, thank -you,” are complain from me. “Could I not obtain a lie-off from Work, -thanks so much, please?” - -“Why so you require such a lie-off?” are burst from her. - -“With sufficient leisure I might save America,” I mention. - -“Such worthy thought!” she relish. “Therefore you are permitted 1 day -lie-off from rakish labours on lawn.” - -I make back-away with humbel bows. O-Fido do somewhat simlar. When we -arrive to gate-post Mrs. Lusy Macdonald exclaim for sweetness: - -“How you shall spent this day of idle enjoyment, please?” - -“I shall spent it in worrying about the ruin of America which should -occur on Nov. 3,” are fuss I make & do a vanish. O-Fido do same way. - -So I go to street corner & set on water-plog to enjoy sorrow without -interrupt. O-Fido devote time smelling rats which is not there under -pavement. - -Near off by lamp-post I see several carpenter-mans at work in middle of -street a-building 1 tiny house of delicious sheet-iron. It were a awful -temporary-looking struxure of 6 × 10 architexure. - -Pretty soonly long come one Hon. Police, by name Paul Smutz, who get -my affection by arrest of Bunkio Saguchi for gin-drunk. I are a proud -acquaintanceship to this hero. - -“Such oddy house!” I say-it with points to place what them carpenter-mans -was a-building. “What you call such a cabin in American language?” - -“That house,” say Hon. Police, “are called a Pole.” - -“It do not look like a Pole in appearance,” I otter. “To Japanese -Schoolboy it look more like a penitentiary for white rabbits.” - -“So wicked thought!” say Hon. Police with buttons. “That tiny house to -which you now look at are Palladium of American Liberty.” - -“What do Americans do in such a Palladium?” are next question for me. - -“They votes for Presidents,” ollicute Hon. Smutz with helmet. - -“So happy!” I say-it. “In them tiny doll-cabins Presidents is -manufactured by ballet-box every 4 years! Were Pres. Roosevelt made in a -little tin cottage like that?” - -“Absolutely similar,” snuggest that coply man. - -“I are surprised he did not burst it!” are notation for me. - -Silences by Hon. Police. Waggish signals by O-Fido. - -“How could Hon. Taft be accommodated in such a toy temple?” are -intelligent query I make. - -“Fat candidates gets slim votes in some districts,” complain he. - -“What makes Americans more freer than any other kingdom?” I ask-it -because Hon. Smutz are not yet savage. - -“Americans is more freer because they are permitted to vote,” compute -them official. - -“So happy Americans!” I snagger. “How free they should all feel going to -Pole on Nov. 3 eech with a ballet in his hand to vote it!” - -“They should, but do they?” revoke he with club. “Many Americans make -long journeys on Election Day to escape that Palladium of Liberty.” - -“Could they feel free without that sweet privelage?” I require. - -“They feel most free when they forget it,” he dub. “I prove this by -following tabloid statistick: - - “1—Out of eech 3 Americans only 1 Registers. - - “2—Out of eech 3 who Registers only 1 Votes. - - “3—Out of eech 3 who Votes only 1 cares who is Elected.” - -“How shocky!” I gasp. “By such sinful statistick America must be going to -doggly bow-wow!” (Howels from O-Fido.) - -“Can not some patriots do something to make more votes for Election Day?” -are next queery I ask. - -“Many of them do,” say he. “Many persons votes 5 or 6 times eech election -to make fatter ballet-box.” - -“Such noble patriots should receive at least 1 Carnegie meddle,” I lapse. - -“They should, but do they?” are repose he say. “There will be much -gladness of rejoicing shot off in this Hon. City for Election Night,” he -add for information. - -“I read by newspaper this morning how Election of either Candidates would -be cause for great national mourning,” I reckon. - -“You read the wrong paper,” say Hon. Smutz. “When announcement of new -President are made entire lid will be removed from America & 4th of July -will shoot through. What patriots are not already in saloons will be -tied together in magnificent blockade on streets mixed with brass bands, -tin-horning, full dinner-pails, Glad-It’s-Over Marching Clubs, automobile -axidents & other demonstrations of peaceful banzai. Musick-waggons will -ocasionally sonter by with all office-seekers trying to get on at once. -Maddy yalls from crowd when eech newspaper bulletin-board announce -that another doubtful State has gone Republickan, as usual. Rockets. -Occasional fights to make everybody completely cheerful. Fire-engines go -by to some joyful blaze. Telegrams arrive. Romp-girls dance along with -tickle feathers. Then O!! Portrait of Future President are flashy to -screen. Bells go off confused by whissles & drumcore exploded by throats -of 1,000,000 yalling Americans.” - -“And what next?” I enquire patiently. - -“Following this,” say Hon. Paul Smutz, heroic Police, “following this are -complete silence for 4 years.” - -And he depart off to catch an excessive automobile what done a crime. - - * * * * * - -Mr. Editor, it will require more than explosions to awake Hon. Washington -from sweet sleep which will go on for next 4 years. When Associated Press -hears slight shock along Patomac it will not be sounds of unrest—it will -be merely snores from happy Congressmen. By time this loving letter are -there in your post-office, White House furniture are already preparing -to be sat on by another kind of Person. Perhapsly he will be a bigger -man, but I bet my bootware he will not cover so many places at once. -In Executive Offices a new Voice will kind of quiver & flitter through -corridors which is used to being cracked by a Real Racket. In Aunty -Room outside will set distinguished statesmans in awful neat rows with -eyebrows full of Thought and nothing else. Gentleman inside may say, -“Prevaricatorius ugly lyre!” now & then, but sound of this curse will be -less hearty than of yore-time. - -And in that Crowd Outside following sweet faces will be missing: - - 1—Shaggy Pete, Louisiana guide. - - 2—Harvard football captain. - - 3—Mrs. O’Rafferty, mother of 6 twins. - - 4—Rev. Lyman Abbott. - - 5—Spike McGhoul, heavyweight swat. - - 6—Charles Scribbler & Sons. - - 7—Duke De Buzzi and staff. - - 8—Nero, famous trick elephant from Hippodrome. - -Them features, Mr. Editor, will be seriously lacking. Cabinet will -come together occasionally for slight confap but it will seem quiet, -like directors’ meeting of Ice Trust. Treaties will be made in sneeky -gum-slipper manner. Panama Canal will be finished & nobody will know it. -New President of America might declare war between U. S. and Germany with -less dramatick effect than Hon. Roosevelt got by chasing 3 boys off from -White House steps. - -Next 4 years will be healthy climbate for old persons & delicate -children. People will live longer but not so much. And what will happen -to us in 1912? Hon. Nick Longworth will explain with American eye-wink! - - Thou, too, climb on the Ship of State, - Climb on, O happy Candidate!— - And favoured Nations shall proclaim - The deeds of You who drag to fame - Your good-for-nothing Running Mate! - -Hoping you are entirely aware, - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - -S. P.—Banzai! America fleet reach Tokyo and international friendship are -glued together by sticky ceremonies. Most sweetest exercise of all was -when them 10,000 Japanese school-children sing, “Hail Columbia, Jappy -land!” - - H. T. - - - - -XXXV - -FALL HATS AND THE LADIES INSIDE OF THEM - - - SAN FRANCISCO, November 6th. - - _Editor New York Newspaper who must wear grandy Robe of - Literature & Science emborderied over with tucks & jounces - which represents Art; but he must also retain a calm Derby Hat - to make himself sensible in order to do so._ - -DEAR SIR—If my Uncle Nichi would not go roundy town seeing America -he would not come home & talk about it. I should like to remain his -affactunate Nefew, I should delight to reverence his bald hairs because -he are my Ancester—but I will be lynched if I can remain faithful to all -them fooly Questions he ask-it! Eech moment by clock-time he come to -me with Queery & when I are giving sweethearted reply he are preparing -another Enquire for answer. Only a mean dib can plug his voice, thank you! - -“I observe something,” he say-me yesterday because he think he did, “I -observe it how female women of America is entirely beasts of burden.” - -“That are something to observe,” I deploy. “Where they carry them -beastly burden, please, if proper?” - -“I observe it,” he remain, “how they carries them burdens in enormed & -sometimes overbearing quantities on top of their heads. Oftenly ladies of -minus 126 pounds of complete frailness is seen totering from walk to walk -with awful monstry platforms on their skull while on top side of this are -piled fruits & vegetables, glassware, window-curtains, fuel, iron & wood, -office supplies, general groceries, flours & other provisions. What you -call them platters full of merchandise?” require Nichi. - -“Would you get amazed if told?” I ask it. - -“I shall attempt to,” he report. - -“Them platters,” I say slow for gentle break, “is called Hats!” - -Uncle Nichi is staggered to believe it. - -“In Japan,” he tangle, “they would be called roofs. Such a Hat are -sifficiently sized to support a entire family.” - -“In America,” I falter, “it oftenly require a entire family to support -such a Hat.” - -Uncle Nichi set down because he are a oldy man and got a faint nerve. - -“I will told you more,” I revoke. “Those Hon. Hats is pinned on to them -Ladies what forget how painful they feel & drag them from places to -places with smile of sweet resign. They are even happy while wearing them -because they Imagines something.” - -“What could they Imagine after that?” are enqueery for Nichi. - -“They Imagines they are beautiful!” are report from me. - -“Hashimura Togo,” rasp them feebly Unc, “up to now I have believed -everything. Please tell lies more gently. I are not prepared to swallow -too much.” - -“When foreigners talk about American Ladies they must be prepare to -swallow anything,” are argue I make. “This are customary.” - -“Ladies must be oftenly scrushed to death beneath them awful lids,” -require Nichi with Hearst editorial look. - -“Such are the untruth,” I let go. “Them Hats is frequently more lighter -than they looks by appearance. Although they are huje enormalosities -amassed all over outside with riotous debree, yet they are kept light by -fact that there ain’t nothing inside of them.” - -“What-so!” say Nichi. “Ain’t them Ladies got their brains inside of them -Hats?” - -“If Ladies had sifficient brains enough to fill such Hats they would wear -them much smaller,” are jount from me. - -“Can we expect something worse soon?” suppose Nichi. - -“Of surely we can!” say me. “In _Woman’s Homely Companion_, stylish -paper, I read 1 page of fashionable hints wrote by a elderly clergyman -who sign himself ‘Frou-Frou’ because he need the salary. He make -following alarmy prediction: - - “‘Stiles for 1909 will be built on Delagrange models with - box-kite planes fore and aft to look awful tasty. All them - patterns for winter wear will be heavier-than-air types which - is very chick. Them Zepellin hats, so popular last season, are - now being frowned at by Dam Fashion who says they are clumbsy & - apt to catch afire. Them new hats will seem kind of horble when - first looked at, but when they got a fan-shaped propeller going - at full speed in the rear, you got to acknowledge they look - mischievous & expensive. - - “‘Many poor girls is making them at home after Buttermilk - Patterns furnished by request & 10c extra please. Some light - ashwood ribs, 90 yards mercyfied silk & a trifle of wire (which - can be took out of any piano) are sifficient for. - - “‘By sending $7,000 to Paris you can get one of them - ready-trimmed by the Wright Sisters.’” - -“If it was not printed in that _Homely Companion_ paper I would enjoy a -suspicion that Hon. Frou-Frou was talking about airships,” contract my -poor Relation. - -“Hats & Airships is very dear cousins,” I rotate. “But they has some -delicious differences. Some Airships can’t lift nothing—but Ladies is -often entirely carried away by Hats.” - -[Illustration: “‘Do not hide your light under a bushel basket,’ are smart -quotation for me”] - -“Where would they be carried away to?” ask Uncle Nichi, who are studying -American jokes by correspondence school. - -“To any extreme,” I choke off for fear I shall hit Uncle Nichi with a -angry Dib. So he go way for read newspaper & learn some more intelligent -Questions to ask it. - - * * * * * - -Mr. Editor, it are fashionable to appear smarty & suspicious when -conversing in print about Ladies. Any colledge child not intelligent -enough to learn bookkeeping & stenography can publish at least 1 book -called “Sneery Thoughts of a Snappy Cynick” & sell from 10 to 1,000,000 -copies. This to include several epigrams about Mrs. Eve and other famous -Parisians. (“What are a ‘epigram’?” ask Little Annie Anazuma. - -“A epigram are a cheap Joke in a dress-suit,” are reply for Japanese -Schoolboy.) - -Even Hon. Rud. Kipling, who write many novels and speak fluidly in both -English & American, make sinickal talk about female Ladies. He-say “A -Woman are merely a Woman, but a good cigar cost 25c.” - -In Manila a good cigar only cost 8c, and yet Ladies is found growing -there in tropickal bundance. So you see it are useless to try & compute -the worthlessness of them in terms of tobacco. - -Mr. Editor, I know only 3 Ladies to my acquaintanceship; but there is a -4th one now which I am learning pretty quick. Among this crowd are Hon. -Mrs. Lusy Macdonald, 286 pounds of entire beauty, to her I enjoy a tender -business relation. She reward me $1.25 weekly for barber her lawn & comb -it with rakes. Oftenly I speak to this lady with pathetick expression, -because she may rise my salary if I look sifficiently unhappy. Sometime -she bring me tea by side-porch to include ginger-snaps & I tell her -delicious lies about myself so she will think what a fine Jobber I am. - -This Lady are very expensive in clothes which appear hellish & also -include dimonds. She obtain her gownds in Paris where they hates -Americans and shows it by the stiles they sell them. It are a mean -revenge. But Mrs. Macdonald can afford to dress in stile, because she are -rich enough to be exentrick. I do not yet notice that she wear Directory -skirt at knee. I shall telegraf you if she gets one. - -Next in my acquaintanceship of feminines are Little Annie Anazuma, -9-year-age daughter of I. Anazuma, Japanese barber. This childy Japanese -are too young to be a lady, but she are already quite foolish. - -& 3rd on this List of Ladies are Miss Alice Furioki, wife to my Cousin -Nogi. I was once her finance, but when she marry Nogi I broke my -engagement to her for spiteful reasons. - -But 4th of them are a Girly Person to which I must own up. She are by -initials Miss Evelyn Suki & have become a dear schoolfriend to Miss -Furioki and very oftenly they meet together to do some chumming & other -giggles. And very oftenly I make drop-in to home of Cousin Nogi for -borrow opera glass or cigarette or what he got. And oftenly Miss Suki -make door-knock for see Miss Furioki & Japanese Boy are axidentally -there. I make eye-wink of soul to think how fox I are. - -By last Wednesday P. M. I get nervus about Cousin Nogi & go see him -offhandedly. Miss Furioki come to door and I make very humbel signals to -her with derby hat. - -“I am delicious to ask it, please, Mrs. Madam, thank you so much, so -sorry I come. Are Cousin Nogi inside, thank you?” - -“No, he are entirely out!” dib Miss Furioki, who despises me earnestly. - -“Then I shall remain, thank you,” I say for cheerful smiles & take -set-down to parler where I see Miss Suki doing a fancy task in -companionship with Miss Furioki. On centre-table was a large objeck to -resemble a clothes-basket & them Ladies was fondly trimbing it with -smilax, ribbons and other laces. Occasionally they stand off-side, mouths -confused by pins; sometimes they make critick faces and speek in milinary -language. - -“What you call That what you are doing?” I wander. - -“Intelligent persons calls it a Hat,” snip Miss Furioki. - -“By Bible you could not wore such a Hat,” are mope from me. - -“What-say Bible about it?” require Miss Suki who are studying to be a -missionary. - -“Hon. Bible say, ‘Do not hide your light under a bushel basket,’” are all -sound I make. - -Deep breathing from Miss Furioki. Miss Suki look slyly joyful. Pretty -soonly them Hat are sifficiently complete for have try-on to head of Miss -Furioki, who make poze before mirror with cowcattish expression. - -“You hide cozily inside,” I arrange. - -“It are a very theatrical hat,” lapse Miss Suki fairly. - -“It look like a famous Play to me,” I commune for pious regard. - -“What famous Play you meant?” queery Miss Alice. “You meant the ‘Jolly -Widow?’” - -“Maybe ‘Payed in Full’ are Play them Hat look like,” beseech Miss Suki. - -“Ah, no!” I revolve, “another from them!” - -“Then which play it look like, if so smart?” rasp wife of Nogi. - -“It look like ‘The Devil’ to me,” I assassinate, and go out by door. -Sound of crashy furniture inside, and other simptoms of an American Girl. -Also some delicious snickkers from Miss Suki. Thank her so many! - - * * * * * - -Foreigners visiting America for first time is expected to say something -about American women before getting off the boat. A very sublime Prince -from Island of Borneo of recently come over & say following statistick -about American Women: - - 1—They are naturally very foolish, but are less so when - educated. - - 2—It are easy to distinguish their Sext by their clothes— - - 3—Except in the case of Literary Ladies who wears derbies. - - 4—They are awful extravagant. - - 5—They are terrible stingy. - - 6—Many of them has more snippy espree than Frenchwoman. - - 7—Many has less. - - 8—They have got such quantity of Charm, etc., that it are - difficult for a Foreigner to look at them without enjoying - Lovesick simptoms. - -American Ladies hear them compliments, Mr. Editor, with pompadours swole -up with pride; but they are forgetful that what that Hon. Sublime said -about them are true of every national Lady in the entire world—with the -exception of the Ladies of Zeeweezi Land where it are the custom for them -to cut off their noses to spite their husbands. - -Hoping you can afford it, I am, - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - -XXXVI - -FEETBALL FOR MOLLYCUDDLES - - - SAN FRANCISCO, November 10th. - - _To Editor New York Newspaper which must give large Colledge - Yall to see such great Yale-Harvard feetball combination when - Hon. Roosevelt pushed Hon. Taft across line._ - -HON. MR.—I have discovered more yet. America are no sooner through making -one Loud Noise than she are prepared to make another. Her screems for -Spring occupy Baseballing; next come Presidential Election where every -person are ready to banzai & make provoked hollers; soonly following -this arrive Feetball when talented Colledge Ladds is glued together for -chorus of howels & rores which you would not believe except when it -happens. Then America gives Thanksgiving because they are glad it are all -over; but so vainly to think! With immediate quickness arrive Happy New -Years when the roof of Hon. Heaven are entirely shrieked away with steam -whissles. After this who knows what? - -“You have forgot to put in Fourth of July,” say Uncle Nichi. - -“That Hon. Explosion must be mentioned all by itself,” are contort for me. - -Mr. Editor, all newspaper-prints is now filled with scandal about -feet-ballers & what happen to them. I understand how Carlyle Indians -would be champions of America except for fact that Chief Kick-in-the-Head -have received something like his name; also ½ back, Hon. Hoopi, have -fraxured both legs; ¼ back, Crazy Buffalo, are now in hospital enjoying 2 -or 3 ribs, & Young-Man-Who-Butts-Like-a-Goat, famous tackler, have come -apart & must be sewed together. White mans has been entirely unjust to -Indians. Not satisfied with teaching them whisky-drunk they now educates -them in feetball. The Nobel Red Man are thusly fast becoming a bursted -race. - -In another news-print I read-it how there are a general move in America -to make feetball more kindly. How foolish to think! Feetball without an -occasional murder would be like a bullfite without no Hon. Bull. It would -be gentle, but who would come? I require no answer. - -Howeverly all grandest California Colledges is now playing Rugboy -feetball which is English & therefore entirely polite. And yet necks can -be bursted by this way if required. - -Last Saturday in early P. M. I make a very stylish appearance to my -clothes which include frockaway coat, derby hat, respectful gloves & -whatever shoes & socks are necessary for most beautiful way to look. With -such ornaments I could not wear my familiar necktie which are getting too -shabbed; so I borrow one of angry red complexion from Arthur Kickahajama -who was not there when I took it. Thank you, Arthur, for kindness loan! - -With them fashionable haberdash I make my joyful footprints go in -direction of sidewalk where all Japanese what see me revoke, “Where -would Hashimura Togo go so completely decorated?” But for answer I make -American eye-wink & nothing else. - -Pretty soonly I arrive by door-mat of Yoshima Suki, Japanese carpenter, -& there I do rap-tap with nervus knuckles. After deliciously long time -Miss Evelyn Suki, dreamy lady of entire youngness, come to knob & look -surprised because she expect it was me. - -“Kind morning, Mr. Togo,” she say-it with deceptive expression of a -female, “which of my Parents did you come to see?” - -“How many of them Parents have you got, please?” I remove with polite -derby. - -“I got two to include 1 Mother & 1 Father, both enjoying nice health,” -she response. - -“You are fortunate to have so many,” I corrode, “therefore permit them to -enjoy their nice health without disturb from us.” - -She do so, thank you. - -We set in parlour & have a few conversations & occasional topicks. I get -more charms eech moment by her sweet looks & cowcattish smile. I could -throb forever in such lonesome company. Pretty soonly I say-so. - -“Hon. Miss Suki, excuse me, sir, I ask it” (such nerves from me!). -“Please may we go forthly together this afternoon for some sporty -amusement?” - -“Where we go to find such a sporty amusement?” she dement, tucking away -her hair with morsel wave. - -“In Japanese Y. M. C. A.,” I snagger, “Hon. Rev. Chillworthy will -speek an entirely harmless lecture about ‘Onward & Upward for Little -Missionaries,’ We could go there for minus expense because it are free.” - -Stillness from Miss Suki. - -“You no care for such an excitements?” I ask it. - -“Slightly, perhaps,” are response from her, “Where else could we go for -it?” - -(I make sneekret count inside my pocket which contain 45c wealth.) - -“Trolley-ride to Cliff House & peanuts by beach would be somewhat -fashionable amusement if it wasn’t raining,” I snuggest. - -“It might, but would it?” are next question for her. - -I begin to enjoy go-home feeling for such discouredged talk. - -“To tell you truthly, Mr. Togo,” she apply, “I got 2 tickets for one -Feetball Game which will be kicked off this afternoon. You like to be -chaperone to me for this ceremony?” - -“I am reckless to try,” I cheer up. (For only a very fooly person would -omit to be chaperone to a Angel what got 2 tickets, price $4.) - -So we go there & seen what was.[1] - - [1] Mr. Togo is describing Intercollegiate Football; still played - by minor colleges in California. Rugby is being played by the - principal colleges there. - - * * * * * - -Mr. Editor, with what crippled penmanship I got how should I attemp -to describe such scene of banzai, hari-kiri, stroggle & push what we -seen for them 2 tickets? How can poor Japanese Schoolboy tell of such -delicious race-riot all over mud which them heroes plowed with their -faces? - -Therefore I shall do so. - -Me & Miss Evelyn Suki we set on bleached seats between 6 maiden co-eds -and 2 colledge boys of average age 63 years. Heart-bursting screems was -enjoyed by them for entire afternoon. When most fiercest play of feetball -happened them oldy colledge boys would strike me in ankle with their cane -which was a insult. Rainy weather & slight westerly showers. - -Game of Feetball, Mr. Editor, are played by 22 enormous boys which are -divided equally into ½ to look even. One ½ wear stripes & other ½ wears -New Jersey sweaters of entirely blue colour. None of them Players is -allowed to be killed before the game begins. - -Delicious mud all over grounds which are good to slide on & show how -graceful it can be done. - -Considerable rah-rah cries indulged in by all specktaters to include Miss -Suki & 10,000 others. Talented howels from all colledge boys who set in -bleached seats around feetball grounds which is called a Griddle because -it look like something else. Of suddenly OH-H-H-H!!! - -To middle of griddle with brave runsteps come 11 striped athletes -followed by 11 blue youths. More rores. In centre of Griddle Hon. -Feetball (which resemble a leather melon) are placed down. Whissle from -Foreman & suddenly one blue youth rosh forwards & give them Hon. Ball one -very brutal kick which send it to Heaven where it intend to go. Splandid -rushing together by all youths which do knock-downs with rage. Hon. Ball, -when he make come-down, are lovingly embraced by a striped youth, but -one blue youth see him & get jalous, so he throw him to mud with deathly -thump. Eech member of both teams are now permitted to jump on this young -man when he are laying pronely. Then Hon. Foreman holler “Down!” & all -are sure of it. - -Next Player to arrive are Hon. Doctor who do a hospital corps and remove -3 players with limps. Banzais from all. Game then go on for all afternoon -by following rotation: - - 1—Savage ball-kick. - - 2—Wildly rush together. - - 3—Delicious throw-down. - - 4—Everybody jump-on. - - 5—All get off, if possible. - - 6—Doctors collect broken boys. - - 7—More ball-kick, more banzai, etc., till twilight. - -Pretty soonly when 1 colledge player of striped appearance make grab-up -of ball, blue colledge boys forget to knock him down; so with them pigly -sphere clasp dearly in arms he make hurrysteps across field; and them -blue players get very angry, so they chase him with fierce hair. How -useless! Soonly he carry that ball behind goal-sticks & Blue Colledge -cry, “Shah!” while Striped Colledge cry, “Rah!” - -“Oh!! that count 5 for our side,” say elderly youth next by me. - -“Why it count 5 when only 2 players was killed?” was question I ask-it; -but that antique child was too busy with banzais for answer. - -So I took away Miss Suki for ice-cream soda ceremony, price 20c., where -we could be more lonesome together. - -“It must require great strength to kill so many people in an afternoon,” -she say-it with sweet sips. - -“With a ax I could do much better,” are reply I make. - - * * * * * - -This week my chumb, Sydney Katsu, Jr., who went to Harvard for study -mollycuddling, come back here enjoying great damages. I could see by the -expression of his legs how much they was broke; also bandaged elbows -indicate smashy condition & his brain was held together with a towel. -Most of his teeth he was carrying in his pocket. - -“O Sydney!” I report, “who done you all them delicious injuries you got?” - -“Them Mollycuddles done it, thank you!” he dib, pointing to draped eye -which was minus. - -[Illustration: “‘All of them persons is related to each other in some way -and another—some by proxy, some by regret’”] - -“What must a person do to become a Mollycuddle?” are next review I make. - -“He must first go to Harvard & play on scrubbed Freshman team,” explan -Sydney. “Some mollycuddlish person will say ‘6—11—44’ and toss him a -entire feetball. Soonly all Harvard are on top of him to include the -Library Building & Germanic Museum. Groans from this youth who are trying -to play that game. Finally brickage are removed from him and he are -permitted to be carried away. If he lives he are a Mollycuddle.” - -“Shall you return to study gentle ways of efeet East?” I announce. - -“Ah, no,” corrugate Sydney. “Wildy West are more peaceful place to -be. I shall follow advice of Hon. Roosevelt which say, ‘Don’t be a -Mollycuddle.’” - -So I leave Sydney resting in arnica. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - -XXXVII - -WILL HON. SO. DAKOTA BE A BLISSFUL MARRIED STATE? - - - SAN FRANCISCO, November 16th. - - _Editor New York Newspaper who suppose he knows what will - happen to America next._ - -DEAR MR. SIR—“South Dakota are now very strickted & respecktable,” say -Cousin Nogi with expression of deep glum. “Only choice, selected persons -is permitted to get divorces there.” - -“What must these choice, selected persons do now to obtain such a -privilege?” are queery for me. - -“A gentleman wishing to be entirely divorced in Sue Falls must reside -there one year & must be drunk at leastly ¾ of time. He must beat his -wife occasionally to prove it.” - -“If he pass such examination will he then obtain ticket of leave?” are -next I ask to know. - -“Scarcely already,” are corrode from Nogi. “Firstly he must possess a -certificate signed by 2 Aldermans or 6 State Senators showing that he -enjoys a famous record for bad moral character, that he have allepeptick -fits & served at leastly 1 year in some good penitentiary. If he got -such papers he are permitted to be lonesome again.” - -“Few persons has sufficient talent to pass such a high test,” I submit. - -“Howeverly, many persons will try,” say Nogi for knowledge. - -“With that strick law So. Dakota will soonly become one of them blissful -married States,” I dally forth. - -“So sad to think it will,” say Nogi with W. J. Bryan elbows. “Thusly are -greatest landmarks of America departing off. Niagara Falls & Sue Falls, -grand gushing monuments of Fourfathers’ pride, both is being swep away by -toothless hand of commerce. No longer can pressed & weary persons turn -feetprints to South Dakota like Pilgrum Fathers——” - -“Why were a person what went to South Dakota like a Pilgrum Father?” I -erupt with voice. - -“Because they both journeyed Westward to find freedom, didn’t they not?” -are request from Nogi. - -I get shocky sensation by such news. - -“So sinful comparison!” I reproach. “History-book say, ‘Them Puretan -Parents made excursion to Plymouth Rock with entire singleness of -purpose.’” - -“Singleness of purpose also makes excursions to Sue Falls,” dib my -corrugated cousin. “Hon. Dan Webster notice it in oldy days.” - -“I have never found such talk in Webster’s Dixionary,” I imagine. “What -did Hon. Dan say about it?” - -“He-say, ‘United we stand, divided Sue Falls,’” are smart quotation for -Nogi. - -“How you obtain such divorce in sweet old days?” I exclaim for excitement. - -“Maybe you can imagine it,” say Nogi. “Imagine, please, that Miss Alice -Furioki, who is my wife, got peeved to me because of my slouched ways & -feeble mind.” - -I do so easily. - -“Imagine, please, I say to her, ‘Fare-bye forever!’ & am next discovered -on Pullman car.” - -“Where you obtain sufficient cash for such a ticket?” are suspicious -question for Hashimura Togo. - -“You are permitted to imagine that also,” dib Nogi for snub. “I are next -discovered on main street of Sue Falls. It are 6 o’clock P. M. by time. -With immediate quickness I make feetsteps to Court House. It are closed, -thank you. ‘Where can persons buy a divorce so late & catch train?’ I -require of Hon. Janitor at door-knob. ‘Hon. Justice of the Peace has -nice fresh ones,’ explain Hon. Janitor for polite smile. By running -I get there quick—but alast! too late. ‘My husband are away attending -funeral of man he shot,’ say Mrs. Justice. ‘Howeverly, you can buy choice -divorces from Hon. Notary Publick around corner.’ At home of Notary -Publick I meet Office Lad who say, ‘Hon. Boss are away setting up with a -ill horse.’ So I depart off entirely nervus about that Divorce I didn’t -got.” - -“What you do nextly to stop being married?” I compute. - -“Nextly,” say Nogi, “I make aimlus wander through deserted streets. -Despair for me. Of suddenly I see one news stand with large gilty sign, - - “‘DIVORCES WHILE WAITING FOR THEM—$5 APIECE.’ - -“This are stiff price, but I must. Already by news stand are considerable -line of 100 Americans talking at each other as if acquainted very dearly. -I enquire of one Hon. Police who stood by, ‘Why does them Americans talk -together so corjul?’ - -“‘It are a family reunion,’ collapse Hon. Police. ‘All of them persons -is related to each other in some way & another—some by proxy, some by -regret; husbands twice removed is talking to outlaws-in-law. Them tall -gentleman with ottomobile glasses is Senator Guff. Lady he are talking -with are his forgotten wife, now Mrs. Billings, who will marry Captain -Swift, her chaperone, when both are freed from hated trammels they now -endures.’ - -“‘On what grounds of domestick grief will they obtain their divorces on?’ -are next for me. - -“‘For $5,’ say Hon. Police who has been in Sue Falls for long time, ‘for -$5 you can take your choice of following grounds: - -“‘Failure to provide witty conversation. - -“‘Baldness. - -“‘Coming home chronic late from Lodge, such as Elks, Y. M. C. A., etc. - -“‘Not coming home from them places. - -“‘Habit of cracking nuckles. - -“‘Being impolite to ladies. - -“‘Being too polite to ladies. - -“‘Expressing grief by snores while asleep. - -“‘Reading Sunday _Journal_ & believing it. - -“‘Warts. - -“‘Any slight excuse you may think up while waiting.’ - -“‘Thank you so plenty!’ I say to Hon. Police and go home by return -ticket.” - -“You go home without them Divorce?” I say for disappointed quivers. - -“Ah, yes,” nibble Nogi. “It are useless luxury for poor Japanese to -afford it. I could buy one slight divorce, but what then?” - -“That habit are like drunking,” I approximate. - -“Of surely it are!” influence my Cousin. “First drink are innocent -pleasure, but it lead to more of and continued. First divorce are -harmless amusement, next two or three are only slight damage to young -man—but after that it are apt to become a fixed habit, and who knows -what?” - -So Nogi borrow my collar-button & go off for righteous Sunday walk with -his wife, Miss Alice Furioki. - - * * * * * - -Mr. Editor, I am reminded of a mothological legend. In awful -pre-historick date of Japan famous poeter, Obi Obi, were a-wandering -through crying-willow grove endeavouring to try & think up a good poem to -write for a magazine. While full of ponders of suddenly he seen a Willy -Sparrow dancing mongst twiggly branches like he was suffering from huj -jokes. Often & at times them maudly bird laugh “Ha-ha!” and do a kick & -six comick capers. So Obi Obi, famous poeter, he tune his Japanese Jews -harp and enquire with rimes: - - “Dilly-darrow, Willy Sparrow, - Why you do such dance & caper - Like a crazy piece of paper, - Chirping, cheeping, shrieking, peeping - With a piggly motion giggly - On that wriggly willow twiggly?” - -[Illustration: “Obi Obi and the Willy Sparrow”] - -And that dafty Willy Sparrow, who also had a talent, make laughing -tear-drop & reply: - - “Tabby-toby, Obi Obi, - Thus I flutter, flatter, caper - Since my Wife I did escape her - From her scratching feather-snatching— - Hence my piggly anticks wiggly - On this wriggly willow twiggly.” - -Obi Obi, who are notorious to this day for his book full of morals, were -shocked talkless by rye-bald remarks of them horid Willy Bird, so he flop -hands to heaven & decry: - - “Wirro-warro, Willy Sparrow, - Baddy birdie what has flirted, - Eggs neglected, Wife deserted - With your cheeping, shrieking, peeping— - Birds of feather winds should weather, - Live together whither-whether.” - -So this wise Obi Obi he make one delicious figger-4 trap & he fill it up -with olives and other lunch. Pretty soonly that fooly Willy Sparrow make -hop-down to food—and _snap!_ Catch for him. Then very briefly after this -Mrs. Willy Sparrow, who was hungry & peeved about non-support, _she_ make -hop-down to trap—and _snap!_ Catch for her. - -So wise Obi Obi he gather them two birds & he put them in goldy cage -together with 2 childish eggs of which they was parents. - -“Ha-ho!” he say musely (for he were a poet). “It are pleasant to think -how I has united them quarrly fowels into love-companionship.” - -So he hang that goldy cage in front of his Poetry-Shop & invite the -entire World to come & see them Willy Birds enjoying happiness. And -all the entire World come that very afternoon to observe this Peace -Conference. - -But alast! When Hon. World looked it seen Mrs. Willy Bird chewing off ear -of her husband with talented claws. Rawcuss screams. Feathers. Applause -from World which always enjoy fites. Pretty soonly that Happy Cupple -retire to opp. corners of cage, do some glares & make following song with -voice of tough eagles: - - “Yarrow-yarrow! nasty Sparrow! - Ruffled feathers, noises frightful! - Always doing something spiteful. - Chirping, cheeping, shrieking, peeping, - Cacklin’, kickin’, peckin’, pickin’ - Like a silly stricken chicken!” - -And when the entire World seen them antick they stopped their ears & say: - -“Perhapsly Hon. Obi Obi _do_ call this Doomestick Harmony; but it sound -to us like the musick of hand-saws playing on rusty hinges.” - -So they retire away. And next morning when Obi Obi go-see Hon. Cage, what -he find there? 6 feathers & 2 claws which was still disputing with eech -other. All the rest of them Sparrow Family had disagreed till they were -entirely minus. Except them infant eggs which was broke. - -So Obi Obi write following epitaph & sell it to a second-hand book-store: - - “Hilly-harrows, silly Sparrows! - When a Poet tried to fix it - You continued for to mix it - Chirping, cheeping, shrieking, peeping— - Little birds enjoying jawing - Perish thus enjoying clawing.” - -If Obi Obi, the wisest Japanese for 1,007 years, could not make 2 little -Willy Sparrows happy by locking them together, how can Governments & -Laws be more successful with people who are bigger & more foolish? Peace -Makers is often proud because they brings Man & Wife together after -quarrels. So sad to think! When Man & Wife have combattable tempers it do -not take great talent to get them together; but as soon as they resume -talking it often require entire State Militia to drag them apart. - -Will law what bolish Divorces wipe out household unhappiness? I shall -vote for it, if so-do. Maybe it will make drunken gentlemen sober & -lazy gentlemen reliabilious employees for more salary. Perhapsly fooly -ladies will begin study of intelligence, flirtating will cease & all -dull children will go ahead of class. Mischief will be neglected by old & -young. - -Maybe, if Divorces is forbid, girls what marries for money will find -sentiment & girls what marry for sentiment will find money. Maybe tired -husbands will aid sick wives in dish-wash; maybe plumbers will stay home -nights; maybe soft answers will turn away flatirons. Maybe everybody will -own a ottomobile. - -& maybe they won’t. - -If Jo-Uncle Cannon would pass some nice law what would keep persons from -_wanting_ to get divorced this would be very good-healthy for all races, -including Chinese, who are human in many respects. In England where -Divorce are most difficult to obtain wife-beating are most deliciously -common. - -I ask something. Can U. S. Government put happy glow & family affection -into a house where it ain’t? When Hon. Love flies out of window can he be -pinched by Police before escape? - -I require no answer. - -With immediate hopes, - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - -XXXVIII - -THE HON. MARY CHRISTMAS - - - SAN FRANCISCO, Dec. 12th. - - _Your Highness Mr Editor which know everything, or know where - to look for it._ - -DEAR GENTLEMAN—I give you the Hon. Mary Christmas and hope you will -finish it. Tell me to know, Mr. Sir, what is so important about this -festival that Americans make such holly-day blow-up of it? “Christmas -arrive but once annually,” many persons explain, making handshake. Is -this peculiar to Christmas? Do not all other dates arrive annually also? -Then why such happen on Dec. 25 as do? I ask to enquire. - -I answer it, thank you. The Hon. Christmas is a great give-away festival -for all persons of white extraction. Negroes is permitted in this -Christmas custom, because negroes is always present when something is -being given away. But Japanese can not be Christmas persons, thank you. -Why so is it? Because Japanese is all heathens, which is not eligible to -Christmas present. If Japanese would obtain valuable presents on this -date they must become Christians. This is too much trouble to do. Is it -not more better for Japanese Boy to become Christian for Christmas-time -and heathen for all other purposes? Thank you, I will try. - -All Japanese living as naybors to me enjoy belief in Buddha with -exception to Arthur Kickahajama who is Methodist and W. Furo who believe -in Hon. Roosevelt. Hon. Rev. J. W. Chillworthy, American missionary, -desire to do something to us heathen, so he look everywhere and find what -is necessary. He prepare large Xmas tree at Asiatic M. E. Church and go -around to all Japanese Boys with tempting speeches. To me he approach to -say, - -“Hon. Togo, do you wish to expect valuable Christmas present to equal -price of 25c?” - -“Would this be cash-gifts or merchandise?” I report. - -“Merchandise of considerable merit, because Christmas presents must be -this,” command that Chillworthy clergyman. - -“I would accept such dry-goods,’ I commit. - -“Very well. Then give me 25c money to collect, please.” - -“No thank you, Mr. Clergyman, not to do! If Japanese Boy give 25c to -collect, what graft would this Christmas present be of value 25c?” This -question from me. - -“Togo, you are heathen, therefore blind. At Christmas you will receive -get-back of 25c to pay for put-up of 25c which you now do. You will be -generous to give this price, I will be generous to give it back. This -will be Christmas Spirit and keep money in circulation.” - -So I deliver this quarter of dollar to Hon. Chillworthy as price. As -reward he invite me to Christmas tree for persons of yellow extraction at -church where I will please to be, thank you. All Japanese of S. F. has -become Christians for this date because free ice-cream will be served. - -Last Christmas date Japanese Schoolboy was very recently arrived to -America. Therefore I did not know about Christmas. My cousin Nogi reply -that this was annual good-will Peace Conference ceremony. Persons having -bricks, bottles, shoot-guns, stick-knives and all other political -convictions must conceal these under mattrass, thank you. Enemies must -meet under kissletoe-vine for sweet-heart conversation. Therefore I -remove all firearms, bricks, etc., from my clothing and go out to -sidewalk where I watch how Christians enjoy this great festival. - -I notice there large flocks of Christians bringing earth-peace feeling -together by drinking considerable whisky. City is filled of sailors, -plumbers, hack-drivers and other patriots making side-step to each -saloon where more earth-peace is poured in. Finally good-will become -very energetic and front of saloon is carried away by excitement. -Peace-on-earth continue to make more noisy riot by each minute until -pretty soonly police-gentleman whistle for jailcart and all these -Christians, broken in several places but making splendid noise with -songs, is carried away to city lock-in. - -Of course these is very wild Christians what make such behaviour. It is -more comfortable to be tamer Christian and take Hon. Christmas home to -wife & baby. Such persons get small timber-tree from mountain and plant -it in parlour of home. (Some Christians have not got parlours, so they -need not feel responsible for Xmas trees.) Branches of this tree is -used to hang things on—glass, tin-ware, clothing, groceries, candles or -anything else that is very cheap & convenient. Then alarm-clock is set to -get-up family by lamp-light. When joy-bell go off all retire to parlour -to watch Family Father set fire to Xmas tree by light of candle. - -All Christians enjoy Christmas with exception of fire engine man who is -too busy throwing water on the insurance. - -It is very hard duty to explain to Japanese Infants about Santy Claus, -that famous American saint which so closely resemble Marquis Ito in the -foliage of his whiskers. These children enjoy great mental struggles -because of their heathen parentage. Little Annie Anazuma, 9-year-age -daughter of I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, come to me to enquire like this: - -“Uncle Togo,” she resume, “to what extent is this falsehood about that -Hon. Santy Claus?” - -“Little Annie,” I snuggest, “I speak you honest truth, because you are -one childish Japanese. I do not believe this Santy Claus is such person. -Why? Because I suspect. Presents here, toys there, books, albums, -jumping-up-jacks, photo supplies, sweet confectionary—all these scattered -with such immediate delivery all at once and together—I suspect it can -not be swallowed. Where would this Santy Claus person obtain so much -moneys for give presents to all Christian children, including small -negroes? Do Congress appropriate this price? Do Hon. Carnegie donate -it? Is Hon. Santy Claus working for U. S. Government or some private -corporation? I reply. If he was working for U. S. Government he would not -get around so swift. If he was working for some Trust he would not give -nothing to nobody. Therefore he is not. - -“Japanese child, you are not insane to think. Forget this tell-tale of -American mothology. It is too foolish to imagine this Mr. Claus dropping -chocolate-creams down each chimney-pipe by such wholesale.” - -“No, Uncle Togo,” report this little Annie. “It is well known fact that -Christians never give away presents in that sneak-dog manner.” - -I shall buy chew-gum for this little Annie Anazuma to eat for Hon. -Christmas. - -I am considerably sorrow for civilizedation when I make thoughts about -this Santy Claus affair. Does not American missionary say to Japanese -Boy, “Thou shan’t not lie?” Why then is this lying-instruction given to -American children? Hon. Geo. Washington was disgusted to tell a liar. -Hon. Roosevelt enjoys faintness after entertaining such persons. He has -frequently spoken to Congress about this habit which they enjoy. Why, -then, does American gentleman donate presents to baby and lay all blame -for the affair to Santy Claus. Is it not cowardly to get out of it in -this way? - -When American gentleman give Christmas present to wife he does not blame -it to Santy Claus because those lady is too smart to believe such talk. -Therefore he must confess that he done it himself. - -In getting civilized all over herself must Japan do this Hon. Christmas -also? I do not require this, because many Christmas customs is not best -good for all human races. Therefore Japan can get along more quicker -without Hon. Christmas, which comes only once annually, but stays long -time. - -To what use is it, I will please inquire, to give Japan Baby -jump-up-jack, toy shoot-gun, little squeak-dog? Would it not be more -improving to his tiny brain-thoughts to present him with History-books, -electrical apparatus, etc.? Is Mother Geese sing-song book of more -knowledge to kindergarten intelligence as some happy treatise for -Japanese children like “How to Build a Navy in 15 Lessons?” I enquire. - -Also this. American young persons employ their Christmas holiday for make -careless amusements like turkey-eat, merrying and flirtating. Would it -not be more healthy for their souls if following program was served for -Christmas? - -8 A. M.—Get up for Sunday clothes. - -8.30 A. M.—Light breakfast of rice & water. - -9.00 A. M.—practise prize-fighting, feetball & other simple gymnastus. - -9.30 A. M.—attend lecture on Art, Music & Shorthand. - -10.30 A. M.—read together from works of John Greenleaf Whittier and -relate 6 humoristick anecdotes of Hon. Mark Twain. - -NOON—Vegetarian refreshments & light nap till - -2 P. M.—Mass meeting of all nationalities to discuss Universal Peace. - -5 P. M.—Tea ceremony at residence of some rich person. - -7 P. M.—Dinner of fish, pickled turnips & other holiday foods. - -8.30 P. M.—Attend performance of Ben Hur. - -10.30 P. M.—Retire after sending out Mary Christmas cards to all friends. - -This kind of Christmas enjoyment would make all Christians more healthy. -For Christmas present they would give valuable advice and receive choice -instruction as come-back. Foreign Americans which now make peace-on-earth -by whisky-drinking would not do so. By eating Japanese food all would -escape digestion which now makes so many angry groans in bed. Infants & -babies would not be faked to by Santy Claus. Fire-engine man would hitch -horse and attend lectures, because there would not be no Christmas trees -to burn down the insurance. Professors would have fine time talking and -all would be obliged to listen. This would be very cheap and natural for -each human race. - -Whenever I am talked to of giving something to merry Christmas people I -tell following Japanese mothology: - -In Kyoto, about 12007 B. C., there reside a notorious Poet name of Washu -who remain there tranquilly, enjoying blessings of great poverty, thank -you. Governing this city there was a gentleman name of Hon. Mamayuki who -was celebrated for stingyness and other virtues. On New Year day, time of -Japanese Christmas-present, poet Washu send to Hon. Mamayuki following -rhythm: - - “Dear sir, heaven knows you are serene like the stars— - Therefore do you remember Poets now and then? - Washu, the Poet, have sang songs for your benefit several - administrations, - He have handed out tributes to your handsome of face, good-clothes, - Not forgetting praise of babies belonging to your several Hon. wives; - Also Washu has been regardless about speaking of your generosity. - Therefore, Commander of Heaven and Earth, - Is it not - About time - That you make trifling Christmas-reward to the celebrated - sing-songer Washu? - I bow down, strike forehead and request reply by return mail.” - -Hon. Mamayuki, soon as he receive this poetical rhythm, go to barnyard of -Palace and there choose one camel-horse celebrated for hungry appetite. -This brutal beast Hon. Mamayuki capture and send to Hon. Washu with -following words: - -“Little Gift to reward great Poet. Mary Christmas!” - -Hon. Washu see this camel-horse and weep thoughtfully. Poets is not given -credit for groceries in Japan—so how to feed this menagerie which was -no use to Mr. Washu’s profession? Yet it would not be safe for his neck -to sell or give away present sent by Gov. of Kyoto. Even while weeping -this poetical Japanese embrace that camel pet with one glad thought: -Camel-horses is different from plain beasts, because they only needs to -eat and drink once time eech month! - -“This is great economy for Japanese Poet,” make Washu in brain-thoughts. - -But when 1st day of next month come by them brutal animal begin -complaining for lunch. Washu enjoy painful thought—but he is brave -Samurai. So he lead this camel-pet to kitchen where greatest poverty -ensues. “All which I have here you are welcome to and much obliged,” he -say to camel-pet. So he bring out 6 pounds rice, 72 pancakes, 14 packages -tea, 2 bales straw, 9 yards matting from floor—all these delecatessance -which camel-horse devour making lip-smack and other sounds of great -thirst. Now at that time there was big drouth in Kyoto and water was very -expensive, thank you. But this poetical Washu buy three barrel of water -for that camel-horse at price of 2 yen per quart. But camel-pet continue -making rusty sounds of voice to request more, please. - -At last when this hon. brute begin to eat paper from walls Washu feed -him shoes & straw hat and commit hari-kiri after delivering following -invitation to Mamayuki, Gov. of Kyoto: - - “Dear sir, when next you present Camel to one poor Japanese - Please provide pension with which to pay board for this Zoo; - For is it just to donate Palace to gentleman who cannot afford to pay - for lawn-sprinkler? - Is it generous to endow poverty-persons with ottomobiles when they - have not got nothing to buy no gasolene with? - Flour, potatoes, beefsteak, - Is enthusiastic Christmas-present for all literary Poets, - But since Camel came - I have felt White Elephant on fingers. - Therefore Washu the Poet - Goes dead. - If you look for his address, - Enquire of Ancestors, - For it is very cheap to live when you are dead.” - -Thank you, Mr. Editor, I am going to be Christian on Dec. 25, so as to -get back them 25c which Hon. Rev. Chillworthy has took. But I am going -to eat like heathen, think like heathen, act like heathen, so that -everything about me shall remain in good-healthy condition for 4th of -July, when it is unnecessary to be a Christian, thank you. Hoping you get -for Christmas present what is coming to you, - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - -XXXIX - -THE ANNUAL NEW YEAR - - - SAN FRANCISCO, December 28th. - - _To celebrated newspaper printers, New York City, etc._ - -DEAREST SIRS—We are about to put away this 1908th year, thank you, -because it is considerably used up. How many kind thoughts of neighbours, -young ladies, labouring unions, sickness, food & drunk, poems of Hon. Mr. -Byron, etc., come to this Japanese Schoolboy for sentimental intelligence -to celebrate! O my, so soon this year have went! So short of time for 365 -days, so full of everything what has happened to people! How can I speak -for tears of voice? O happy date of Jan. 1st! Persons which are sorry for -what they done on Christmas can now forget it by turning over and over: -Give ring-off to old, give ring-on to new! - -During this so happy annual that is past many National Events has -happened to me. Brick-bat wound sent by labouring union has swole up, -thank you, enjoying some agony; Miss Furioki which married cousin Nogi -loves me so little; C. W. Kurashuke, Japanese dentistry, operate on my -toothache which I shall never pay for; Arthur Kickahajama, missionary -boy, ruin the beauty of my derby hat by wearing it; I must suicide myself -to hari-kiri on account of O-Fido who create expense & only wag about it; -I have acquired a feetwet by searching for employment which brings me the -result of great influenza and sneezing in hon. nose. All these blessings -make Japanese Boy forgiving to turn over new leap-year. - -I enjoy suspicious sensation, Mr. Editor. What make all-world persons so -happy about New Year day arriving less? Because so. Persons say secretly -in sinful brain-thoughts: “That last annual year were disappointing, -thank you. It was good year when first made, but considerably decomposed -by various gentlemans who was to blame. Hon. Roosevelt spoil this year -with muddy feet-kicks, Hon. Rockefeller ruin it by robbery & prayer, Hon. -Lawson make it sad with considerable foolish wisdom. This year may go -chase itself, please, if convenient. By next New Year time we shall not -enjoy so many curses. All world shall love itself and so on. Japanese -shall join hands with Irish and population mix-up. Bankers, divorces, -house-flies, and other grafts shall be prohibited by poisoning them. -Therefore let us order another drunk.” - -“Of what value is this New Year time to Japanese persons?” I compel of -cousin Nogi when I call to borrow 10 cents, price of Japanese cigarettes. - -“For this,” exaggerate Nogi, “because is.” - -“Tell me to know, please how?” I exhibit. - -“Togo,” cry Nogi, “New Year is for getting rid of sin. You have some -expensive sin which you keep around—shampane, high-food, silk derby—New -Year fine time to make swear-off of this.” - -“I am ridiculous to laugh,” I commit, “what expensive sin I swear-off, -please? I am enjoying too much poverty to be able not to get along -without nothing which I haven’t not got, have I?” - -“One expensive sin you have got which you might resolution to get away -from,” magnify this Nogi, “you are educated to cigarette-smoking. -Swear-off, please. Therefore I will not loaned you them 10c you ask for -to have.” - -Since these conversation I have not called to Nogi or Miss Furioki which -he married himself to. Nogi has got one jiu-jitsu comeing to him. - -However yet, if I am sinful, I shall make some fine resolutions to give -up many things which I have not got. But before doing so I shall be -thankful to supply for you following review of National Events which has -happened to this kingdom for year 1908th: - -_Panama Canal_—This will be completed as soon as begun. No mosquitos. - -_Politicks_—Hon. Roosevelt will not be doing so much longer. This kingdom -have already chosen which Democratic president will not be elected. - -_Warfare_—I do not know about this. America fleet is out hunting for it. - -_Education_—Hon. Mark Twain is made laughing professor of Oxford, home -for English schoolboys. Humoristick anecdote of that great man was -enjoyed by all and understood by some. - -_Literature & Art_—Much is being done in this line, but very little -accomplished. - -_Socialism_—This talk is spoken in many languages and require much -brain-thought. Some delightful speaker say: - -“All men are equal.” “Equal to what?” is question from Japanese Boy. - -_Business_—This is pretty hard to do just at presently. - -_Athleticks_—A game of feetball was played between Yale & Harvard this -year to celebrate the Battle of Waterloo. Both sides won except Yale, -which didn’t. This is fine exercise for young students which does not -care for death by book-study. - -_Real Estate_—Everywhere good corner lots can be had for prices asked. -Skyscrape buildings is acting very valuable. Some empty lots still -continues to remain in Canada and suburbs of Nebraska. J. Furo, Japanese -hardware, who is dead, is renting second story of store to O. Jiijuwaki, -Japanese undertaker. - - * * * * * - -Mr. Editor, because you are conductor of great newspaper I desire let you -have some news which will surprise you. It happen in Japan 2016 years -formerly. Following is it: - -During that year I say about there reside in Hokadate, Japan, very sweet -singer name of Obi Obi. In order to keep him in good voice for songs, -which he could sang like nightinglory-bird, this man was oblige to take -considerable rice brandy by each evening. Then he would sing pretty fine -till stopped by friends and police. He continue this exercise for several -years and never get tired out of it. - -Come time to Happy New Years on the day before is. Obi Obi declare: -“To-morrow will be January One on which all good Japanese are respected -to reform theirselves. Therefore tonight must be the night.” - -So Obi Obi order to house large kag-barrel of rice whiskey, together with -many friends to hear concert. After 2 qts of these was drunken up Obi -Obi sing very fine from Japanese opera. Friends applause for more and -decry: “Too sorry this music-song must be stopped up to-morrow which is -swear-off New Years!” - -When midnight time arrive, Obi Obi, too tired to sing no more, so he fall -to slumber under table and this he dream: - -He dream that Angel of Dying drop to him out of sky and carry under wing -one large literary Book. - -“Obi Obi,” she command, “these here Book is that Life which you been -leading around this several years.” - -“My sakes!” commute this Obi Obi, “what disgusting literary job of -writing is put down on them pages—such blots and woggly-letters with -swear-and-tear places all over it! Who wrote them disgusting records of -life, please Mr. Angel?” - -“Obi Obi, sweet singer, it was _you_ that done it all these years you -have been songing and whiskey-drunking,” devour that lovely Angel. - -“Then I must have enjoyed great wickedness to have wrote my lifetime so -badly,” retort that great man. - -“Yes, you have so,” say Angel. “You are therefore to die and go to -boiling-point on this New Year day—come, please.” - -“Thank you, Hon. Angel, one more chance for Obi Obi, be so kind!” - -“Very well, once more chance,” say spirited Angel. “If you can wrote in -these Book one page of neat-writing, Spencerian book-keep handwrite, no -blotting-marks, then you may die and go Heaven.” - -“Thank you to do!” say Obi Obi, & took fountind pen & wrote once more -page in Book of Life. But when done—O such bad disgust! That page was all -blotty-marked with woggly ink-splatter letters and orthography. - -“There!” say Angel, “you have wrote new leaf on New Year day, and see! It -is worse job as formerly. Come, please, and die.” - -Obi Obi look at page and say this following philosophy: - -“The reason why so I write it so bumly in Book of Life is not because of -me, but because of bad pen and ink provided.” - -Then he wake up with head-split and throat-crack symbols of drunkenness. -He make groaning sound and O Yucha San, wife of his, approach with that -delicious ice-water. - -“It is Happy New Year!” she relate, making smiles. - -“Thank you for telling me so it is,” say Obi Obi. Then he went dead. - -And them dying words is to be saw on tomb which you may visit there -to-day, price two sen admission. - -Please to listen what I do with tipewriting last night: - - -_O JOYFUL NEWNESS OF YEAR_ - - O joyful newness of annual year! - Oh! - It is refreshing to watch the daisies sprouting all along the eternal - cowpath of cities; - Is it not? - And yet I have never saw them do this; - But still they are to emblify hopeing-feel of New Year. - Shall I mail you coloured post-card, - O Love? - Telling about how Japanese Boy - Feel fresh? - - On all gate-posts of American persons is hung emblems - Of hope for future real-estate. - All Americans are caming home early of New Year morning. - And some has forgotten to. - For New Year has came with legal holly-day - To put on derby hat, - To see friends and enjoy excitement of general custom. - I bow to Happy New Year, I reverence all them things about it, - I rejoice, legally, I intoxicate, I syndicate my thoughts to all - humanity-races— - And yet, to tell you honest true, - I do not care much for New Years time, - Because I do not. - -Hoping you will be more wiser, if possible, next annual year and that all -persons may be onto it, also, good-bye and some to friends, - - Yours truly, - - HASHIMURA TOGO. - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LETTERS OF A JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY -("HASHIMURA TOGO") *** - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part -of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm -concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, -and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following -the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use -of the Project Gutenberg trademark. If you do not charge anything for -copies of this eBook, complying with the trademark license is very -easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation -of derivative works, reports, performances and research. Project -Gutenberg eBooks may be modified and printed and given away--you may -do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected -by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark -license, especially commercial redistribution. - -START: FULL LICENSE - -THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE -PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK - -To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free -distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work -(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full -Project Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at -www.gutenberg.org/license. - -Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works - -1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to -and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property -(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all -the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or -destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your -possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a -Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound -by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the -person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph -1.E.8. - -1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be -used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who -agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few -things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See -paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this -agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. - -1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the -Foundation" or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection -of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual -works in the collection are in the public domain in the United -States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the -United States and you are located in the United States, we do not -claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, -displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as -all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope -that you will support the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting -free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm -works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the -Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with the work. You can easily -comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the -same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg-tm License when -you share it without charge with others. - -1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern -what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are -in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, -check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this -agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, -distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any -other Project Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no -representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any -country other than the United States. - -1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: - -1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other -immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear -prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work -on which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the -phrase "Project Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, -performed, viewed, copied or distributed: - - This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and - most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no - restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it - under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this - eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the - United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where - you are located before using this eBook. - -1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is -derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not -contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the -copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in -the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are -redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply -either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or -obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg-tm -trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted -with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution -must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any -additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms -will be linked to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works -posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the -beginning of this work. - -1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this -work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. - -1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this -electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without -prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with -active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project -Gutenberg-tm License. - -1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, -compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including -any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access -to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format -other than "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official -version posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm website -(www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense -to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means -of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original "Plain -Vanilla ASCII" or other form. Any alternate format must include the -full Project Gutenberg-tm License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. - -1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, -performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works -unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing -access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -provided that: - -* You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from - the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method - you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed - to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he has - agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project - Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid - within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are - legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty - payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project - Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in - Section 4, "Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg - Literary Archive Foundation." - -* You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies - you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he - does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm - License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all - copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue - all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg-tm - works. - -* You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of - any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the - electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of - receipt of the work. - -* You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free - distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work or group of works on different terms than -are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing -from the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the manager of -the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the Foundation as set -forth in Section 3 below. - -1.F. - -1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable -effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread -works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project -Gutenberg-tm collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may -contain "Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate -or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other -intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or -other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or -cannot be read by your equipment. - -1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right -of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project -Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all -liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal -fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT -LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE -PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE -TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE -LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR -INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH -DAMAGE. - -1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a -defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can -receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a -written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you -received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium -with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you -with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in -lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person -or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second -opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If -the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing -without further opportunities to fix the problem. - -1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth -in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO -OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT -LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. - -1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied -warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of -damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement -violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the -agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or -limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or -unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the -remaining provisions. - -1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the -trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone -providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in -accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the -production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, -including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of -the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this -or any Project Gutenberg-tm work, (b) alteration, modification, or -additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any -Defect you cause. - -Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm - -Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of -electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of -computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It -exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations -from people in all walks of life. - -Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the -assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's -goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will -remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure -and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future -generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see -Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at -www.gutenberg.org - -Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation - -The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non-profit -501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the -state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal -Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification -number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by -U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. - -The Foundation's business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, -Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up -to date contact information can be found at the Foundation's website -and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact - -Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation - -Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without -widespread public support and donations to carry out its mission of -increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be -freely distributed in machine-readable form accessible by the widest -array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations -($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt -status with the IRS. - -The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating -charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United -States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a -considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up -with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations -where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND -DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular -state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate - -While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we -have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition -against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who -approach us with offers to donate. - -International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make -any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from -outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. - -Please check the Project Gutenberg web pages for current donation -methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other -ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To -donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate - -Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works - -Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project -Gutenberg-tm concept of a library of electronic works that could be -freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and -distributed Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of -volunteer support. - -Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed -editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in -the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not -necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper -edition. - -Most people start at our website which has the main PG search -facility: www.gutenberg.org - -This website includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/old/69316-0.zip b/old/69316-0.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 4abc92f..0000000 --- a/old/69316-0.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/69316-h.zip b/old/69316-h.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 2b0b615..0000000 --- a/old/69316-h.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/69316-h/69316-h.htm b/old/69316-h/69316-h.htm deleted file mode 100644 index e9814db..0000000 --- a/old/69316-h/69316-h.htm +++ /dev/null @@ -1,14393 +0,0 @@ -<!DOCTYPE html> -<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> - <head> - <meta charset="UTF-8"> - <title> - The Project Gutenberg eBook of Letters of a Japanese Schoolboy, by Wallace Irwin. - </title> - - <link rel="icon" href="images/cover.jpg" type="image/x-cover"> - - <style> - -a { - text-decoration: none; -} - -body { - margin-left: 10%; - margin-right: 10%; -} - -h1,h2,h3 { - text-align: center; - clear: both; -} - -h2.nobreak { - page-break-before: avoid; -} - -hr.chap { - margin-top: 2em; - margin-bottom: 2em; - clear: both; - width: 65%; - margin-left: 17.5%; - margin-right: 17.5%; -} - -img.w100 { - width: 100%; -} - -div.chapter { - page-break-before: always; -} - -table { - margin: 1em auto 1em auto; - max-width: 40em; - border-collapse: collapse; -} - -td { - padding-left: 2.25em; - padding-right: 0.25em; - vertical-align: top; - text-indent: -2em; -} - -.tdr { - text-align: right; -} - -.tdpg { - vertical-align: bottom; - text-align: right; -} - -.blockquote { - margin: 1.5em 10%; -} - -.caption { - text-align: center; - margin-bottom: 1em; - font-size: 90%; - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.center { - text-align: center; - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.figcenter { - margin: auto; - text-align: center; -} - -.footnotes { - margin-top: 1em; - border: dashed 1px; -} - -.footnote { - margin-left: 10%; - margin-right: 10%; - font-size: 0.9em; -} - -.footnote .label { - position: absolute; - right: 84%; - text-align: right; -} - -.fnanchor { - vertical-align: super; - font-size: .8em; - text-decoration: none; -} - -.hanging { - padding-left: 2em; - text-indent: -2em; -} - -.larger { - font-size: 150%; -} - -.noindent { - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.pagenum { - position: absolute; - right: 4%; - font-size: smaller; - text-align: right; - font-style: normal; -} - -.poetry-container { - text-align: center; - margin: auto; - max-width: 35em; -} - -.poetry { - display: inline-block; - text-align: left; -} - -.poetry .stanza { - margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em; -} - -.poetry .verse { - padding-left: 3em; -} - -.poetry .indent0 {text-indent: -3em; -} - -.poetry .indent2 { - text-indent: -2em; -} - -.poetry .indent4 { - text-indent: -1em; -} - -.poetry .indent6 { - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.poetry .indent8 { - text-indent: 1em; -} - -.poetry .indent10 { - text-indent: 2em; -} - -.poetry .indent14 { - text-indent: 4em; -} - -.poetry .indent28 { - text-indent: 11em; -} - -.right { - text-align: right; - margin-right: 1em; -} - -.smaller { - font-size: 80%; -} - -.smcap { - font-variant: small-caps; - font-style: normal; -} - -.allsmcap { - font-variant: small-caps; - font-style: normal; - text-transform: lowercase; -} - -.tb { - margin-top: 2em; -} - -.titlepage { - text-align: center; - margin-top: 3em; - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.x-ebookmaker img { - max-width: 100%; - width: auto; - height: auto; -} - -.x-ebookmaker .poetry { - display: block; - margin-left: 1.5em; -} - -.x-ebookmaker .blockquote { - margin: 1.5em 5%; -} - -/* Illustration classes */ -.illowp100 {width: 100%;} -.illowp45 {width: 45%;} -.x-ebookmaker .illowp45 {width: 100%;} -.illowp48 {width: 48%;} -.x-ebookmaker .illowp48 {width: 100%;} -.illowp64 {width: 64%;} -.x-ebookmaker .illowp64 {width: 100%;} -.illowp66 {width: 66%;} -.x-ebookmaker .illowp66 {width: 100%;} -.illowp69 {width: 69%;} -.x-ebookmaker .illowp69 {width: 100%;} - - </style> - </head> -<body> -<p style='text-align:center; font-size:1.2em; font-weight:bold'>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Letters of a Japanese schoolboy ("Hashimura Togo"), by Wallace Irwin</p> -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online -at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you -are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the -country where you are located before using this eBook. -</div> - -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: Letters of a Japanese schoolboy ("Hashimura Togo")</p> -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Wallace Irwin</p> -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Illustrator: Rollin Kirby</p> -<p style='display:block; text-indent:0; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: November 8, 2022 [eBook #69316]</p> -<p style='display:block; text-indent:0; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</p> - <p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em; text-align:left'>Produced by: Peter Becker and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive)</p> -<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LETTERS OF A JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY ("HASHIMURA TOGO") ***</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_i"></a>[i]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" id="illus01" style="max-width: 43.75em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus01.jpg" alt=""> - <p class="caption">“Therefore I entertain him to beer-ceremony at saloon -of Hon. Strunsky, Irish patriot”</p> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_ii"></a>[ii]</span></p> - -<p class="titlepage larger">Letters of<br> -A Japanese Schoolboy</p> - -<p class="center">(“<i>Hashimura Togo</i>”)</p> - -<p class="titlepage"><span class="smaller">BY</span><br> -WALLACE IRWIN<br> -<span class="smaller">Author of “The Love Sonnets of a Hoodlum,” “Shame of the<br> -Colleges,” “Nautical Lays of a Landsman,” etc.</span></p> - -<p class="titlepage">Illustrated by Rollin Kirby</p> - -<div class="figcenter titlepage illowp66" style="max-width: 12.5em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/fructus.jpg" alt=""> -</div> - -<p class="titlepage">New York<br> -Doubleday, Page & Company<br> -1909</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_iii"></a>[iii]</span></p> - -<p class="titlepage smaller">ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, INCLUDING THAT OF TRANSLATION<br> -INTO FOREIGN LANGUAGES, INCLUDING THE SCANDINAVIAN</p> - -<p class="center smaller">COPYRIGHT, 1907, 1908, BY P. F. COLLIER & SON</p> - -<p class="center smaller">COPYRIGHT, 1909, BY DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY<br> -PUBLISHED, FEBRUARY, 1909</p> - -<div class="figcenter titlepage illowp100" id="illus02" style="max-width: 43.75em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus02.jpg" alt=""> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_iv"></a>[iv]</span></p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_v"></a>[v]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" id="illus03" style="max-width: 43.75em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus03.jpg" alt=""> - <p class="caption">“Sometimes I sit and wonder in my artless -Japanese way”—<i>The Mikado</i></p> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_vi"></a>[vi]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak">CONTENTS</h2> - -</div> - -<table> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">I.</td> - <td>Our Noble Allies</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#I">3</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">II.</td> - <td>The Honourable War Cloud</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#II">11</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">III.</td> - <td>The Yellow Peril</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#III">19</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">IV.</td> - <td>Lady Suffergettes and How They Do It</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#IV">26</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">V.</td> - <td>The Financial Breakdown</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#V">37</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">VI.</td> - <td>Hon. Niggers, Was They Freed by Lincoln?</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#VI">46</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">VII.</td> - <td>Hon. Simple Life Among Ambassadors</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#VII">55</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">VIII.</td> - <td>A Third Term for Our Emperor</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#VIII">63</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">IX.</td> - <td>Hon. Modesty: Is it a Disease?</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#IX">71</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">X.</td> - <td>Spring</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XI">80</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XI.</td> - <td>Education in American Language</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XI">90</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XII.</td> - <td>The Visit of the Fleet to San Francisco</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XII">98</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XIII.</td> - <td>Flighty Navigation of Air</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XIII">107</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XIV.</td> - <td>The Conventional Meeting of Reps in Chicago</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XIV">118</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XV.</td> - <td>America’s Bang up Ceremony</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XV">128</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XVI.</td> - <td>Can Africa Wait till March 4th?</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XVI">138</a><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_vii"></a>[vii]</span></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XVII.</td> - <td>The Hon. Gasolene</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XVII">149</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XVIII.</td> - <td>America’s Base Game of Ball</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XVIII">159</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XIX.</td> - <td>Is a Vice-Pres Nearly a King?</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XIX">169</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XX.</td> - <td>My Conception of the Presidency</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XXI">179</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XXI.</td> - <td>How American Advertisement Does It</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XXI">189</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XXII.</td> - <td>Olympus Games and International Cement</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XXII">196</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XXIII.</td> - <td>Outside Exercises for Health</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XXIII">207</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XXIV.</td> - <td>Can Hon. North Pole be Detected?</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XXIV">218</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XXV.</td> - <td>High Tariff on Princes</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XXV">227</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XXVI.</td> - <td>The Servant Problemb</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XXVI">237</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XXVII.</td> - <td>The Feetsteps of Science</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XXVII">247</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XXVIII.</td> - <td>The Hon. Mars</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XXVIII">256</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XXIX.</td> - <td>Standard Oiling across Party Lines</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XXIX">265</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XXX.</td> - <td>The Hon. Bomb</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XXX">275</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XXXI.</td> - <td>Enjoyment of Hunger Among Poor Mans</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XXXI">285</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XXXII.</td> - <td>The Alcoholic Temperance Movement</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XXXII">295</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XXXIII.</td> - <td>The Saloon in Our Town</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XXXIII">304</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XXXIV.</td> - <td>Election Day</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XXXIV">313</a><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_viii"></a>[viii]</span></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XXXV.</td> - <td>Fall Hats and the Ladies Inside of Them</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XXXV">323</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XXXVI.</td> - <td>Feetball for Mollycuddles</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XXXVI">333</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XXXVII.</td> - <td>Will Hon. So. Dakota Be a Blissful Married State?</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XXXVII">342</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XXXVIII.</td> - <td>Hon. Mary Christmas</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XXXVIII">352</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">XXXIX.</td> - <td>The Annual New Year</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#XXXIX">363</a></td> - </tr> -</table> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_ix"></a>[ix]</span></p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_x"></a>[x]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak">CHARACTERS -CAST UP BY THIS BOOK</h2> - -</div> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p class="hanging"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>—35-year aged Japanese -Schoolboy.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><span class="smcap">Cousin Nogi</span>—educated in horseracing & -relidgeon.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><span class="smcap">Arthur Kickahajama</span>—missionary boy.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><span class="smcap">Hon. Strunsky</span>—Irish salooner.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><span class="smcap">Uncle Nichi</span>—Japanese strawseed who come to -America to be less so.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Lusy Macdonald</span>—complete angel of 286 -pounds beauty.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><span class="smcap">Little Annie Anazuma</span>—of kindergarten intelligence.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><span class="smcap">I. Anazuma</span>—Japanese shave-proprietor.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><span class="smcap">J. Furo</span>—who is dead.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><span class="smcap">G. W. McCann</span>—prominent drunk.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><span class="smcap">Sydney Katsu, Jr.</span>—who go Harvard study -mollycuddling.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><span class="smcap">Miss Alice Furioki</span>—wife to Cousin Nogi.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><span class="smcap">Miss Evelyn Suki</span>—dear friend & more even.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><span class="smcap">Frank</span> the Japanned Bootpolish.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_xi"></a>[xi]</span></p> - -<p class="hanging"><span class="smcap">S. Wanda</span>—Japanese Socialist.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><span class="smcap">Whang So</span>—China boy of sinful profile.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><span class="smcap">H. Sunigawa</span>—Talented Japanese Spy.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><span class="smcap">Unknown Japanese</span>—who call himself “Charley -Smith” to get job in a bank.</p> - -</div> - -<p>Sorted persons, doctors & druggers, Bunkio -Saguchi, riots, baseballers, frequent wise -Professors, Hon. Niggers, delegates who walk -for the unions, editors, Napoleon Bonyparte -& his Brother Charley, Hon. Police & other -famous Americans to include my dog O-Fido.</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" id="illus04" style="max-width: 43.75em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus04.jpg" alt=""> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_xii"></a>[xii]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak">ILLUSTRATIONS</h2> - -</div> - -<table> - <tr> - <td>“Therefor I entertain him to beer-ceremony at saloon of Hon. Strunsky, Irish patriot”</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#illus01"><i>Frontispiece</i></a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td></td> - <td class="tdpg smaller">PAGE</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>“‘Good morning, Mr. Emperor,’ say Hon. Ambassador”</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#illus06">58</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>“‘Would they fit me perhaps?’ I ask for vanity”</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#illus07">72</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>“‘Why all this yall about, unless of mania?’ I require to know from Hon. Police”</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#illus07">82</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>“When Hon. Operator seen my telegraf he say: ‘What language is them wrote in?’”</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#illus09">100</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>“‘But China!! such eye-pain of nations’”</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#illus10">102</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>“O banzai! whirr of angry rages from engine”</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#illus11">110</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>“Loyal Sons of some fairish land parading under banner of the Nice Old Party with placards to show how harmonious they feel”</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#illus12">120</a><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_xiii"></a>[xiii]</span></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>“There I meet Motor Man who ... suffocate me with international courtesy”</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#illus13">150</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>“‘I have a developed chest already,’ snuggest Hon. Taft”</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#illus14">208</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>“They should not make groups around him with scissors to cut away souvenirs from him”</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#illus15">224</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>“‘I require to leave message for Cousin Charley at Washington’”</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#illus16">246</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>“‘O! Sweethearted Mrs. Madam, I enjoy a brainache this morning, thank you’”</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#illus17">312</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>“‘Do not hide your light under a bushel basket,’ are smart quotation for me”</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#illus18">326</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>“‘All of them persons is related to each other in some way and another—some by proxy, some by regret’”</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#illus19">340</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>“Obi Obi and the Willy Sparrow”</td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#illus20">344</a></td> - </tr> -</table> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_1"></a>[1]</span></p> - -<h1>Letters of a Japanese Schoolboy</h1> - -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_2"></a>[2]</span></p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_3"></a>[3]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="I">I<br> -<span class="smaller">OUR NOBLE ALLIES</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, November 4th.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To Esteemed Excellency the Editor of what is -much widely read New York newspaper.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>—I am a Japanese Schoolboy age -35 years & I come to this Free Country for some -following reason:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>1. To save up money for old age.</p> - -<p>2. To learn so much I can.</p> - -<p>3. To wait on table 14 hours Daily at Boarding -house of Mrs. C. W. O’Brien, honourable -lady.</p> - -</div> - -<p>I am not doing so to-day as I am Confined in -hospital enjoying much pain from brick-bat -wound sent to me by one American Patriot. Also -I am not attending school for some time.</p> - -<p>If your Highness will permit such correspondence -I will ask some Question which I will<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_4"></a>[4]</span> -answer myself so as to save too much trouble -for your valuable time. Thank you.</p> - -<p>Some frequent Professors are asking the question -now: Will White Man and Yellow Man ever -mix? I answer Yes because I have knowledge -of the affair. They mix once in San Francisco, -they mix once in Vancouver. But such mixing -is not good-healthy for the human race because it -make broken glass, pistol-shot, outcry, militia -and many other disagreeable noises. Japanese -gentleman mix races with jiu jitsu, Irish gentleman -with gas-pipe. Those are both good ways to know.</p> - -<p>I have heartfelt feel for American gentleman -because my Teacher tell me America and Japan -are Noble Allies. Are we not this? Hon. -Marquis Wm. Taft arrive to Tokyo to say these -truth. He state to Admiral Togo, “We are Noble -Allies,” and Admiral Togo response, “If we shall -not be Noble Allies we shall be Noble Liars.” -Tokyo is so happy that Rising Sun make tear-drop -falling on star-stripe banner. Banzai!</p> - -<p>Excuse bad penmanship as Right Hand was -wounded by brick-bat from one Noble Ally -name Casey. Bottles was also used on head -which were unfortunate.</p> - -<p>So happy Japanese! Japan has most Noble -Allies than any other country. France, England, -these dear Uniteds State, Germany, Australia,<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_5"></a>[5]</span> -Switzerland, Spain, Portugal are all to fight -in our behaviour. Also Corea. The most -strongest of our Allies must, therefore, be England -who gives day-and-night thought to making all -Japanese comfortable. London newspaper weep -for shame when San Francisco labour man drop -building material on head of Japanese gentleman. -London newspapers arrange their editorial full -with considerable pity. Yes, please. England -man loves Japanese man with much distinction -because both are brothers by germ, are they not? -Also affinities.</p> - -<p>My cousin Nogi become recently absentee from -San Francisco because he might reside away from -the brick-bats. He went to inhabit in British -Columbia at Vancouver to work in the Kakemono -Barber Shop under the so glorious British banner. -This is protection for all weak persons. I am -therefore much more ill in my sick hand when I -read this telegraph from my cousin Nogi.</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To Hashimura Togo, San Francisco</i>:</p> - -<p>Welcome to Canada by Noble Allies. Three killed, seven -wounded. All well. Please send shot gun.</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Nogi.</span></p> - -</div> - -<p>I think so continuously concerning my cousin -enjoying trouble from that cordial Great Britain -that I am about to make hara-kiri by swallowing -bottle of hospital-medicine; but I relieve my death<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_6"></a>[6]</span> -more easily by making the following poetical -thought which I mailed to the King of England -who lives in London:</p> - -<h3><i>ADDRESS TO MR. EDWARD, EMPEROR OF THE -BRITISH, WHO LIVES IN LONDON</i></h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">America man he strike for pay,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Japanese work for a dollar a day.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">We like all much work can do—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">You like Jap boy work for you?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Yes, sir, thank you, I come now:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Plenty more Jap boy soon learn how.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">O so sorry no can stay—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Yes, please, come again soon—good day!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">London paper say, “Jap nice,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Fight much, think much, eat much rice.”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">England love us, so we heard—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">What for Canada say bad word?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Yes, sir, thank you, one good graft;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Little Brown Brother, Big Bill Taft.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">O so happy come round quick—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">What for Canada throw Big Stick?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">We sweep kitchen, scrub out pan,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Learn speak English soon we can.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">We be good boy, so polite,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Trot all daytime, think all night.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Yes, sir, thank you, too much fuss.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">We like Canada—you like us?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">O so sorry must go way—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Yes, please—come again soon some day!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_7"></a>[7]</span></p> -<p>I am still awaiting Answer to this poetical -thought which must be there somewhere in English -postoffice soon.</p> - -<p>Why do Japanese Boy come to this country is -requested for reply from almost every white mind -of prominence. I will answer with several reason -from my own vocabulary:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>1. To learn religion, Bookkeeping & -Stenography.</p> - -<p>2. To cement that Friendship of nations and -keep grocery store.</p> - -<p>3. To attend horse-racing contests.</p> - -<p>4. To learn American Manners</p> - -<p>5. To study Customs, Murders, Art, Science, & -Humoristic Literature from sunday papers.</p> - -<p>6. To go back to Japan.</p> - -</div> - -<p>Perhaps you read in newspaper sometime rather -recently about a warfare which we enjoyed with -our Honourable Ally Russia which we cause to -love us with a bayonet. Your Emperor, Mr. -Roosevelt, then taught us how the peace may be -manufactured and we have done so ever since. -If you did not read of this in papers I will send -you clippings from the <i>Shimbun</i> of Tokyo. -We are sending the glad hand of fellowship -around to all white persons, but I can not do so -this week because the brick-bat wound I said to -you about is in my right wrist.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_8"></a>[8]</span></p> - -<p>Before enjoying that painful collision I spoke -something with Hon. Strunsky, the Delegate who -Walks for the Unions. Some of my countrymen -has seen Hon. Strunsky Walk, but he has been -Setting down on them occasions seen by me. I -went there with ceremony before Mr. Strunsky at -his saloon, because he is Irish and makes angry -sudden.</p> - -<p>“Please,” I enquiry, “let Japanese Boy to -plumbing union. I am able to plumb with -intelligence.”</p> - -<p>“You make me tired,” he retorted back.</p> - -<p>“Esteemed sir, if you are exhausting yourself -with fatigue let Japanese Boy have your job. -My cousin is ambitious for such a situation.”</p> - -<p>“Beat it!” response Hon. Strunsky.</p> - -<p>I could not assimulate that word he said it.</p> - -<p>“What should he beat?” was question for me.</p> - -<p>“You beat yourself around block—skiddoo!” -explained honourable Delegate gentleman.</p> - -<p>When he was explaining these things in war-cry -voice so all could understand Mr. Carbonetti, -an American gentleman, struck me on the wrist with -a small piece of House which was not then built. -I spoke “Banzai!” and Mr. I. Rogo, proprietor -of the Rising Sun Coffee House, came with leaps -and make jiu jitsu upon Mr. Carbonetti while -O. Takura, my cousin’s grandfather, stopped Mr.<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_9"></a>[9]</span> -Strunsky’s speeches with some kindling-wood. -Soon there was rain of brick-bats from sky and -Japanese Boys present much regretted they did -not wear any umbrella.</p> - -<p>That is some ways it happened.</p> - -<p>Was it then wise for the Delegate who Walks -for the Unions to say so? For was he not often -remarking there was no place for Japanese -gentleman in the American business? He does -not know the statistick like the Japanese statesman -may tell him. What does Ichipanorama, -Walt Whitman of Fuji, say so?</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The Visible Universe was never so full of men, Monkeys, Furniture, Noise, Literature, Diseases,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That there was not a Place somewhere, either in the hall bedroom, or in the kitchen, or in the cellar under the kitchen,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Or in the ice-box under the stairs</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For the Good,</div> - <div class="verse indent14">the Beautiful</div> - <div class="verse indent28">and the True.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Gotama Buddha, or the Janitor, or Somebody else makes room for the Humble Deserving</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And even a Parrot</div> - <div class="verse indent0">May be allowed in the Apartment House.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Does a Rich Man refuse to take gold because it is yellow?</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Does a Cook refuse to boil potatoes because they are brown?</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Does a Car Conductor refuse to take on another Passenger because of race, colour or previous condition of servitude?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He does not, neither do they.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Man leapeth from land to land even as the flea from dog to dog.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">It is so enrolled upon tablets of porcelain and ivory.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_10"></a>[10]</span></p> -<p>This is not exactly how Ichipanorama says -how, but something like so. America has room -for all. The Irish gentleman to hold the great -public offices, the Jewish gentleman to attend to -the drama and the clothing store, the Italian -gentleman to be the merchants with the fruit, -the German gentleman to attend to the large -sausage interests of the country. The Japanese -gentleman, then, what does he require in this -so great commonwealth? Sometimes something, -sometimes something different. To nail the -shoe, to write the books, to work in the gymnasium, -to run the banks, to peel potatoes, to govern the -states. Anywhere you require his usefulness he -will be so happy to be there.</p> - -<p>Hoping your Highness understands plainly -to know how I think these things here, and love -to all.</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_11"></a>[11]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="II">II<br> -<span class="smaller">THE HONOURABLE WAR CLOUD</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, November 16th.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To Editor of New York newspaper, enlightened -printer who manufacture Truth for all thoughtful -Person.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>—I so happy, thank you, esteemed -Mr., for you listen to how I say so in my last letter. -Therefore I am much obliged to you for several -more intelligent Question which I will ask you -what is.</p> - -<p>During my residence in Hospital to enjoy -brick-bat wound sent there by Labouring Union, -I give some large quantities of thought-attention -to future life. What business would be swiftest -for making success of it? Waiting on table-board -of Mrs. O’Brien, honourable lady, is repulsive -to proud Japanese Boy any more do. Which -would be better for me: To learn to be Christian -Missionary or to study for bookkeeping and -stenography? Both ways lead to good jobs.</p> - -<p>My cousin Nogi, who return from British -Columbia leaving front teeth with English friends -there, say, “Missionary jobs are no longer needed<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_12"></a>[12]</span> -for Japan, because our dear country already -have rapid-fire fleet and stand-up army sufficient -to make all Japanese Christians.”</p> - -<p>“What date is arrange for this Japan-America -war to be shot off?” I ask for answer.</p> - -<p>“Not yet but when!” response this Nogi making -eyewink, American salute.</p> - -<p>“In such a warfare which kingdom would -beat it?” is next question for me.</p> - -<p>“Frequently one and then some,” collapse -Nogi, who think as I do.</p> - -<p>Therefore I still ask to know. Hon. Mr. Sir, -could you so courteously remind Japanese Boy -of exact date for such warfare? If there is any -announcement in your press of this battle would -you send me clipping, address Hospital? Such -an answer would be delightful to know for all-coloured -races. Political man, labour-union -man, newspaper-press all have brain-ache questioning, -When. You will permit me, please, to -speak how I think so?</p> - -<p>Japan-America war is impossible to happen! -Banzai! All should be so happy in Hon. Carnegie -talking-library at Hague. Philippine Island must -be taken by Japan on mortgage or some other -peaceable conquest. Perhaps American Congress -will consider this nice birthday present to -Emperor of Japan.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_13"></a>[13]</span></p> - -<p>How I make this knowledge? Because so. -Japan could never secure these United States -entirely for Japanese Government. I. Anazuma, -Japanese barber, tell me how Mr. Kuroki might -not capture New York from such great distance -of San Francisco. And what must Japan do with -New York when captured? That is hard question -for Japanese Boy.</p> - -<p>While residing in Hospital bed my cousin -Nogi come to me bringing donation of banana-fruit -for lunching. These fruit come as package -enwrapped in American newspaper-press. I am -thankful for lunch, but more so thankful for -reading-news on enwrapping. The information -tell me nervously that fleet of ships commanded -by Hon. Pres. Roosevelt will go around to the -Pacific ocean by the Cape of Horn, avoiding -Panama canal which is less done. Must Japan -shoot American ship for going to Pacific ocean? -This is question for editor. I answer, No, please! -Pacific ocean still have too much water for Japan -to cover with torpedo boats. Thank you, America -fleet may call at San Francisco, San Diego, Seattle -without angry rage from Tokyo government -which is busy civilizing Corea. Hon. Mr. Roosevelt -is welcome to travel.</p> - -<p>Howeverly is, some sinful thoughts come to -Japanese Boy. Is not some excitement interesting<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_14"></a>[14]</span> -to all-coloured races? It would be fine -engagement for Japan-America navies to come -together sometime for slight shooting-scrape, -because both have enjoyed very pleasant target-practice. -America navy recently use boat of Hon. -Adm. Cervera for excellent bull’s eye. Japanese -navy practice, still more recently, on fleet of -Hon. Mr. Rodjestvensky in which practice Japan -gunners score 97 out of possible 100 hits. Yet it -are not good-healthy for 2 such equal navies to -meet in angry rage, because they might be -bursted by following brutal diagram:</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" id="illus05" style="max-width: 43.75em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus05.jpg" alt=""> -</div> - -<p>Mr. Editor I am Samurai, like all other -Japanese Boys. When sick hand is well I am -good for all fights. My friend, Arthur -Kickahajama, missionary boy, is exceptional to -this rule saying man-strangling and dynamite -explosion to be bad for human race. He -teach meek-eye as best disease for strong-arm. -He come to Hospital and hold my sick hand -to say,</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_15"></a>[15]</span></p> - -<p>“Togo, when union labour drop brick-bat upon -Japanese Boy, what then?”</p> - -<p>“Hara-kiri!” I explain. “Japanese Boy -deliver jiu jitsu upon eye of Mr. Casey.”</p> - -<p>“So heathen thought!” devote Arthur. “When -brick-bat smite left cheek, right cheek is then -presentable for more.”</p> - -<p>To such talk I am only able to speak of rats. -Arthur forgive such politeness and read me -poetical thought, because sickness prevent escape:</p> - -<h3><i>ADDRESS TO PEACE DOVE WHAT RESIDE IN -HATS OF ALL EMPERORS</i></h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Tell us to know, feeble sparrow-bird of quiet politics,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Why is?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Yes, you are equally white as snow, and yet snow frequently catches it from gunpowder.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">What has occurred to your appearance?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">What has become of thy tail-feathers, wing-feathers, pin-feathers?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Where is the hair upon thy back and also</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Where has thy left eye went?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Tell us to know, gentle chickadee of disarmed nations,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Why is thy matinee music-song</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So heartlus and without feet?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Like the melody of hand-saws playing upon rusty nail, like a leak in a bagpipe or like</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A widowed ostrich pining alone with bronchitis of the throat!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Hast thou a message for the world to know?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Tell me, Arthur Kickahajama, missionary!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">If so,</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_16"></a>[16]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">Tell us to know, gentle harbinger of harbour-defences,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Tell us——</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But Peace Dove, butting inwards upon poetical address</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Of Arthur Kickahajama, missionary,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Makes peeking expression toward Holland with that one remaining eyeball,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Makes pointing gesture toward Washington with the stump of bit-off leg.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And response back to the Japanese poet as follows: “Croak!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“I will tell you to know, Arthur Kickahajama:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I have been delivered to Nations</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Bearing label <span class="allsmcap">HANDLE WITHOUT CARE</span>!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">How can Pidgeon sail tranquil on smooth tail-feathers</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When Great Peacemakers</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Distribute him here and there shot-out-of-a-gun?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When, to go places, he is clubbed with swords, jabbed by sceptres, batted by big sticks?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Is there no Society of Prevention for This?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“And yet I am here, Peace has arrived—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But of what use to mankind delivered in such a shopworn condition?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Thank you for plaster-casts, thank you for limb-bandages, eye-wash, salve,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Thank you for arnica-poultice, Brother Missionary!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Peace be with you—</div> - <div class="verse indent6">Croak!”</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Mr. Editor, your honourable country enjoys -many bad traits which are loathsome to Japanese. -You are disagreeable to old age, you neglect to -worship the holy relic. In the American household -you worship the recent Baby with doctors, -nurses, chloroform, etc., and at the tooth-cut of<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_17"></a>[17]</span> -same all have spasms by joy. But when -Grandparent injures the appendicitis he must -enjoy it quietly in hospital with stationary to -make will.</p> - -<p>In boarding house of Mrs. O’Brien there is one -young lady which all other eaters at the table-board -call “Grandma” because of her immense -age. All young gentlemen there talk humoristical -anecdote, smile, eat candy with young ladies of -more recent birth. While youthly ladies are doing -this Miss Grandma set lonesome by lamplight -reading Mrs. Humply Ward book.</p> - -<p>I have often noticed these when seated in kitchen -studying American grammar. “Why should not -Young Lady be object of pious regard because -of great age?” I frequently enquire for answer.</p> - -<p>One evening I put on frockaway coat and make -call to Miss Grandma.</p> - -<p>“Hon. young lady,” I refer, “yes, ma’am, -excuse me, sir! Would you tell one questioning -to Japanese Boy?”</p> - -<p>“Surely, Mister Togo,” she response. “Whatever -is?”</p> - -<p>“Oftenly” I relate, “I am attractive to your -honourable notice setting lonesome under lamplight. -May I call sometime for lonesome -company?”</p> - -<p>“You are kind gentleman, Mister Togo,”<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_18"></a>[18]</span> -she beseech. “Yes, you can come often for lonesome -call.”</p> - -<p>“Thank you, sir,” I say, “you are regardless. -I come so often kitchen duties prevent it.”</p> - -<p>She give me smiling expression peculiar to -American lady of any oldness.</p> - -<p>“Tell me this answer,” she inquisitive softly. -“What qualities in myself make you such -admiration?”</p> - -<p>“I admire you because of Japanese,” I response. -“For in Japan we are taught to reverence the Old -Age.”</p> - -<p>She throw Humply Ward book to me, then -strike me with lamp-light. Fire extinguished by -means of Persian rug I retire to kitchen to make -my soul enquire about things.</p> - -<p>Hoping your Highness may place this thoughts -on printing-press without danger, and love to -family and friends.</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<p>S. P.—I am taking lessons in harmonica -playing of which Hospital nurse Flynn is Prof. -He teach me national hymn of Hon. Geo. M. -Cohen entitled “The Rag Which We Revere.” -Your Constitution must feel very nervous following -that Cohen Flag!</p> - -<p class="right">H. T.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_19"></a>[19]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="III">III<br> -<span class="smaller">THE YELLOW PERIL</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, November 22d.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To New York newspaper management and such -as are doing it there.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dear Printer</span>—I am enjoying great poverty -from employment which is missing this week, -thank you.</p> - -<p>This conversation for you to listen:</p> - -<p>“Mr. Togo, goodbye, and be prompt in doing -so!” That spoken with screeches by Mrs. C. W. -O’Brien, honourable lady.</p> - -<p>“Sweet-hearted Mrs. Madam,” I resume -to her, “why you neglect to allow Japanese -Boy any more wait on table-board at your -establishment?”</p> - -<p>“Because this,” she demand, “lazy stupor of -brain unfit Japanese Boy for such jobs. During -three weeks of time you remain in hospital to enjoy -pain. You think of book study more than delivering -soup to my table-eaters. Some others must -carry coffee-dish for this employment. Therefore -exit from these house!”</p> - -<p>“Thank you to know, Hon. Mrs.,” I report,<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_20"></a>[20]</span> -“what person shall obtain job when I have went -from here?”</p> - -<p>“One China boy I have got him more intelligent -as you for half price to do it,” she refer.</p> - -<p>I see plain truth to this. Looking to kitchen I -observe Whang So, one China boy of sinful profile. -I make race-riot inside of me, but peace-treaty -outside.</p> - -<p>“Honourable Mrs. O’Brien,” I say with smiling -expression, “good day, so sorry, thank you so -much!” Then I make quick-step to sidewalk and -trot-step to establishment of Jigo Furo, Japanese -hardware.</p> - -<p>“Thank you for something durable to handle,” -I say to this Jigo Furo.</p> - -<p>“This stove-poker is recommended for all use,” -he response. It surely was truthful. I take it -away for call on Mr. Whang So, China boy of -sinful profile. He come to door of Mrs. C. W. -O’Brien when asked for.</p> - -<p>“Whang So, Chinese puppy-cat, wherefore you -have national characteristics of one potato?” I -relapse.</p> - -<p>“You go way, no good!” he reserve with impolite -expression of Oriental.</p> - -<p>For reply I throw stove-poker to neck of Whang -So, give him jiu jitsu to porch and tie him with -abominable pig-tail to door knob of Mrs. C. W.<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_21"></a>[21]</span> -O’Brien where he may be found. This things I -done to Whang So as race-riot to Chinese persons -which is no good for America by following statistick:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>1. They perform cleanly-washing infrequently.</p> - -<p>2. They are back-hand in religion, reform, -bookkeeping and stenography.</p> - -<p>3. They teach poker game to Japanese Boy.</p> - -<p>4. They are a Yellow Peril.</p> - -</div> - -<p>I have given some brain-study to this Yellow -Peril to make sure it is a bad blessing for these -Uniteds State. It is. But should we Americans -of all-colour enjoy fear of such? Answer is, No! -Coreans, Chinese, & Hindus is Yellow Peril. All -Japanese can defeat these easily with club-stick. -We have been there to try it. If white Caucasian -fear such a Peril Japanese will promise to chase it -away for small wage-pay. It will be amusement -for Japanese Boy who know how.</p> - -<p>All persons should be kept out of this kingdom -who can not show good-coloured complexions at -ship-dock. Torpedo-fleet, battle-boat, dynamite -& congress should be shot off to prevent landing -of such trash like Mr. Whang So and other Chinese -of yellow birth. Coreans, Siamese, & Hindus must -also be prevented from escaping into this country. -Christian ships must take these complexions back -to original islands where they belongs. This is -best good for all human races.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_22"></a>[22]</span></p> - -<p>Many negro persons of Southern States is -also Yellow Peril, but these can not enjoy -exclusion, because there is no place to exclude -them to.</p> - -<p>But Japanese gentleman, please, must not be -written down for this list. Derby hat, American -pant, Tuxedo overcoat, have rendered him completely -white of complexion and able to vote for -President when asked to know how. Please do -not include him in Yellow Peril, because he will -not be there. He is doing things by each day that -makes folks white. Let Japanese help to do push-out -to all-coloured Yellow Perils coming to this -country together with others patriots of star-stripe -banner Yankee-doodle dandy, banzai!</p> - -<p>I will speak to you of two Yellow Perils which -I know of my knowledge.</p> - -<p>I am acquaintance of one Corean gentleman -name of Whee who reside in cellar of this city. -He do not change his clothing which is economical. -He sleep in soap-box, but the soap is missing. -To approach Mr. Whee with hygiene is too dangerous -for good healthy. Labouring Union do not -fear this Corean gentleman, because he shall -never take no work from nobody. When not -hitting pipe-smoke this Whee man is dreaming -of ancestors. He will also be one soon. When I -observe such Corean patriot approaching to me<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_23"></a>[23]</span> -I choose next street, thank you. This man is -Yellow Peril of bright colour.</p> - -<p>In one more cellar, close to where this Corean -citizen reside, there sleep one Polish gentleman -name of Gumowsky. This Gumowsky man is -notable for forgetfulness in washing. Two times -each year he is removed by health Board, but this -is of no use for Mr. Gumowsky who make financial -income collecting second-handed cigarettes. -When he obtain sufficient whiskey-drunk there is -warcry from his downstairs residence and whichever -furniture he can discover to break is throwed -on street to strike by-passing pedestrians. Mr. -Gumowsky is not good gentleman to inhabit this -American country. He is a Yellow Peril of dark -colour, because soiled.</p> - -<p>Which is more better citizen, thank you—Mr. -Whee of opium smoking and Gumowsky of -whiskey-drunking or Japanese Boy of derby hat, -frockaway coat and all other white manners of -civilizedation?</p> - -<p>On evening time of last Thursday night Japanese -branch of Chinese Exclusion League meet for -church social at Asiatic M. E. Church where good -time were enjoyed there. My cousin Nogi took as -escort Miss Mabel Sanjijo who he are engaged to -marry when divorced. I delivered to this gaiety -Miss Alice Furioki pleasant young lady of yellow<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_24"></a>[24]</span> -extraction. All Japanese Boys was present with -other national ladies. Rev. Hon. Chillworthy, -American missionary, make all happy by coming -late.</p> - -<p>Japanese Boy Male Quartette open excitement -by songing, “I love you the same long years ago -when first I meet you on the village green.” Songing -listened at with patience by all. Japanese -solo was next performed on phonograf. Arthur -Kickahajama, missionary boy, do card-trick for -excitement of amusement. Then we enjoy “post-office” -game to practise kissing, American salute. -When this was subsided I made so nervous as to -read following poetickal thought:</p> - -<h3><i>ADDRESS TO CONGRESS ABOUT STOP-OFF OF -YELLOW PERIL</i></h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Make it hard for Chinese to come in, please,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Make it nice and easy for stay out.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Punish naughty China for that sin, please,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Show what for you mean such things about.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Chop chop head of Chinese immigration.</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Bang-up foolish pigtail cooley-man,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Keep such Yellow Peril from your nation.</div> - <div class="verse indent2">(That give room for persons from Japan.)</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Swift-kick China off your map,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Shake-shake smile for glad-hand Jap!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Ship the negro person to some island—</div> - <div class="verse indent2">That will solve one problem pretty quick.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Make the Injuns live upon a highland</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Scared for to come down by that Big Stick.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_25"></a>[25]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Shoot the no-good Russian off this nation,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Send the black-hand Dago back to Rome;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Clean this land of foreign immigration—</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Then the Japanese Boy feel at home.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Shoot the Yellow Peril—boom!—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then the Jap Boy have more room.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>After this rhythm Rev. Hon. Mr. Chillworthy -nearly made talk-speech. He was just saying -it about “Higher Life for Japanese Boy” when -something happen which was too bad. Whang So, -China boy, enter with two cousins, Whang Get -and Whang Gee. There was up-jump for all. -Banzais could be seen everywhere as chandeliers, -etc., flew to heads of China boys while those -nationality was departing through windows. -After these Chinese Exclusion act was performed -this church sociable busted up with prayers and -ice cream.</p> - -<p>Hoping you are the same,</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<p>S. P.—Mr. Editor, would you put following -wedding notice in paper of yours?</p> - -<p>“Mr. Hashimura Togo of Kobe, Japan, will be -marriaged to Miss Alice Furioki of Tokyo, same -place, ceremony to be had at Asiatic M. E. Church, -S. F. This excitement will take place when job -is found for Japanese Boy which is not now -doing so.”</p> - -<p class="right">H. T.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_26"></a>[26]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="IV">IV<br> -<span class="smaller">LADY SUFFERGETTES AND HOW THEY DO IT</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, December 12th.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>Editor New York newspaper who enjoys great -delight while reading all poetry & story -writings which he send back to Author with -smiling excuses</i>:</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dearest Sir</span>—What say that great poeter, -Hon. Sir Walter Scotch, about ladies? He say -as follows:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“O ladies, during idle moments</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Inclined to make coyness with giggly expression,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Yet when sick-sorrow time of brain-ache come along</div> - <div class="verse indent0">You are very skilful about being an Angel!”</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Since my loving engagement to Miss Alice -Furioki I got good chance to study them Ladies.</p> - -<p>Ladies, Mr. Editor, is nearly always female by -sex. This is a very universal custom. Therefore, -since original date of Eve & Adam ladies of female -gander has been accustomed to drudgeness and -downtroddery all time. Ladykind has been slave -of gentlemankind from 1 o’clock of history to -present date; they has been personal dry-goods of<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_27"></a>[27]</span> -them tyrants of male descent without no privileges -except following:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>1. To tell husband what-time to get up by -morning.</p> - -<p>2. To demand him, Why no come home earlier -by evenings?</p> - -<p>3. To require, “What drunk are you carrying -on breath?”</p> - -<p>4. To save wages for him by spending it.</p> - -<p>5. To take him to theatrical plays for educating -of brain.</p> - -<p>6. To select more fashionable friends for him.</p> - -<p>7. To explain to him when he is foolish in -business.</p> - -<p>8. To select Presidents, Congressmen, Mayors, -etc., for which he must vote it.</p> - -</div> - -<p>After doing them slavery for such numberous -1000s of year, all human ladies is suddenly enjoying -angry rage about them downtroddery. They -wish to do some poll-voting for therselves, because -husbands is frequently forgetful about how to do -it; and thus wrong persons is often elect to be -President.</p> - -<p>So considerable Suffergetting is being did by -ladies who learn to do it.</p> - -<p>Suffergetting immigrate to this U. S. by boat -from London where it is always spoken with a<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_28"></a>[28]</span> -English accent, or it is bogus and cannot be -admitted to respectable jails. Any young lady of -35 years time can learn to Suffergette if she is quiet -about it and listen to speaker while she is being -arrested. This is how to do it most often:</p> - -<p>English lady of name Mrs. Wellington Boots -arrive to America dressed silently in pink opera -cloak with white ostrich in hat. She proceeds -herself quietly to Carnegie library, beating tunes -on bass drum for fear someone might notice her. -On steps of that learned bookery she array her -feetsteps and make following speech:</p> - -<p>“Oh!!”</p> - -<p>With immediate quickness platoon of police -make military formation, reserves is brought out, -still alarm for State Militia and half-holiday is -called in all dressmakers’ establishments. Delegates -arrive from Daughters of Rebecca, Neices -of American Revolution, little Mothers’ Association, -etc. while Hon. Mrs. Boots pull herself to -complete tallness and say,</p> - -<p>“Fellow Sisters, let us arise up and smite it! -Already we are ten million strong, and I see Congressman -Carrie Jones approaching with 4 nurse-girls -and 2 lady-cashiers, which makes us 6 stronger -than we was. Let us forward, then, to Liberty -or somewhere. Let us make such a race-riot -around that Gentleman Tyrant that Heaven shall<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_29"></a>[29]</span> -be punctuated with screams and Earth shall be -scattered with hairpins.”</p> - -<p>So procession of Lady Suffergettes make forward -motion in publick street. Following is line -of marching which they keeps:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p><i>First Division.</i> Hon. Mrs. Boots, Judge Ethel -Johnson, Congressmen Carrie Jones & Lily -McGee, Major Gen. Birdie Chowinsky. These -eminent statesladies is mounted on red automobiles -and carry one delicious canary-colour Suffergette -flag embroideries of organization-motto “Dux et -Draco” and trimmed with tucks and real Irish -lace.</p> - -<p><i>Second Division.</i> Composed of Salvation Army -ladies’ Cornet Band which is playing “Every -Day is Ladies’ Day with Us.”</p> - -<p><i>Third Division.</i> Woman’s Temperance Race -Suicide Union carrying motto “Let the Men Bear -the Children!”</p> - -<p><i>Fourth Division.</i> Representators of the ex-Housewives’ -Association in carriages saying something -serious to each others.</p> - -<p><i>Fifth Division.</i> Cavalry Troup of Lady Cowboys -giving examples of rude riding.</p> - -<p><i>Sixth Division.</i> One Gentleman Suffergette -on foot burdened with motto “A Man’s a Man -for a’ That.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_30"></a>[30]</span></p> - -<p><i>Seventh Division.</i> Patrol wagons full of policemans -with dutiful expressions.</p> - -</div> - -<p>After they have did some ½ hour of marching, -enthusiastick, etc., Congressman Carrie Jones say -to Hon. Mrs. Boots, “Where shall we go to demand -it?”</p> - -<p>“Let us gone to Parliament,” decry this Mrs. -Boots who know how-so to do it in England.</p> - -<p>“So sorry not to do!” collapse several ladies in -unicorn. “We have not got a Parliament in this -town.”</p> - -<p>“Such an irritant! what a nation!” deploy Hon. -Mrs. Boots. “Then let us gone to City Hall.”</p> - -<p>So ice-cream soda refreshment is enjoyed by all -and procession makes onwards to City Hall where -it stops itself. Loud rapping on door of this -temple by all present.</p> - -<p>“No admittance to come in!” say voice which is -inside trembling.</p> - -<p>“We require to see Hon. Mayor so that we can -receive our rights, please,” says Mrs. Boots with -accent.</p> - -<p>“No goods delivered till after lunch, thank -you,” say that voice from inside. “Hon. Mayor is -outside eating it.”</p> - -<p>“Then let us have Dist. Attorney, please!” -peruse that chorus.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_31"></a>[31]</span></p> - -<p>“No, ma’am, not to do!” dictate voice. “Hon. -Dist. Attorney is outside drinking it.”</p> - -<p>(Patrol wagons stand by with respectable -salutes.)</p> - -<p>Loud reports from all lady Suffergettes. Forward -march! Door is smashy open and all mingle -inside that City Hall filling it with female political -noises. Mayor office is found vacated. Nothing -in Hon. Dist. Attorney office except empty arm-chairs. -Marriage Licence Bureau locked with key. -Nothing to resemblance of Man is discovered -inside that City Hall.</p> - -<p>But No! One timid gentleman is found in City -Treasury office hiding in safe. It is the Janitor -who is praying with voice, “Please to avoid injury -me—I am married to a wife.”</p> - -<p>Janitor is permitted to go free, thank you, -because of female relations. Meeting is then held -in office. Hon. Mrs. Boots is elect Mayor <i>pro tem.</i> -till arrival of Chief of Police when all enjoy arrest -and is taken to Hon. Jail.</p> - -<p>At Hon. Jail Hon. Mrs. Boots, Judge Ethel -Johnson and Major Gen. Birdie Chowinsky is -given comfortable cell on Murderers’ Row along -with 6 Insurance Directors, 3 Congressmen, 1 -Mayor, and 1 Boy Millionaire who shot -another gentleman under very fashionable circumstances.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_32"></a>[32]</span></p> - -<p>Tea is served in cell and lady Suffergettes receive -all-kind friends which come to congratulate them -about being there. American jails is becoming too -exclusive of lately. Persons must be very rich -or very famous, or else talented in some other way, -to be locked up with all them there financiers.</p> - -<p>Every time I see patrol wagon making gallop-off -to jail I am excited to know if it is full of Suffergettes -or if it contain another load of Trust Co. -Presidents.</p> - -<p class="tb">I tell my cousin Nogi about that Suffergette -procession the same I told you about.</p> - -<p>“It can not be true, because it isn’t,” he commit -for pride.</p> - -<p>“Why-so not so?” I recoil of contempt for short -intelligence.</p> - -<p>“Because thus,” he say it, “because in this -America no real lady can get arrested for nothing -she does, no matter how much she does it. -America mans is weak from chivalry whenever -their wifes & grandmothers needs to be arrested. -Besides something more. Would Hon. Gov. -Hughes arrest 1,000 ladies for going to Albany with -request, please, to be allowed to vote for him? -Would Hon. Jo-uncle Cannon ring for police-cart -because Suffergettes bust into Congress to exclaim, -‘We want ballot-box to fill-up with sympathy for<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_33"></a>[33]</span> -Jo-uncle Cannon?’ Would them candidates call -for law to protect gray hairs from this? Answer is, -No! Votes is votes, whether they got skirts on or -something else. Washington is a very comfortable -place for persons of either gander or sex to go asking -for privilege to vote; for nearly everybody is a -candidate in Washington.”</p> - -<p>“Nogi, you are accused of being a Suffergette!” -I collapse for disgust.</p> - -<p>“I am not-so that,” renig this Nogi with blushes, -“but Miss Mabel Sanjijo enjoys such a membership.”</p> - -<p>“Will she join lady-excursion to Suffergette in -Washington on March 3?” is next question -for me.</p> - -<p>“Yes-so—if she can borrow it for carfare,” -this from Nogi. “If she can not do she will stay -at home & give Hon. Pres. Roosevelt absent -treatment.”</p> - -<p>“Will Hon. Pres. Roosevelt add Suffergette -plank to Hon. Republican platform?” I ask to -know.</p> - -<p>“O probably yes-so!” say Nogi. “He have -added everything else to that platform. Why-so -should he pause at them ladies?”</p> - -<p>“What did Suffergette Delegation which visited -Albany bring back from that tour?” I decry.</p> - -<p>“They brung back souvenir photo representing<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_34"></a>[34]</span> -one Statesman peeking through brush-heap. On -this was wrote, ‘Choose Hughes & You Can not -Lose,’ This was took as good-luck sign for all -Suffergettes.”</p> - -<p>I am disgust of so much back-talk.</p> - -<p>“One last reply I make,” I say. “Female -ladies can not make success of it in middle of -Politicks. Shall we send old women to U. S. -Senate?”</p> - -<p>“Why not-so?” negotiate Nogi. “If Hons. -Platt & Depew remain there so long will 1 or 2 -extra old ladies be conspicuous for notice?”</p> - -<p>Here is some delicious poem for you to abuse:</p> - -<h3><i>ALLEGORICAL NATURE FAKE ABOUT JAPANESE -STORK-BIRD</i></h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0"><span class="smcap">Bun-bun</span></div> - <div class="verse indent0"><span class="smcap">Saki-run</span>,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Listen to the sing I song!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">In Yeddo,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">About 7063 <span class="allsmcap">B. C.</span></div> - <div class="verse indent0">There dwell in suburban section</div> - <div class="verse indent0">On roof-top chimbley of house</div> - <div class="verse indent0">On street</div> - <div class="verse indent0">One couple of legitimate Stork-birds</div> - <div class="verse indent0">What was just like anybody.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">All day Hon. Mrs. Stork-bird</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Lie eggs</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And look at Yeddo persons</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With kind of smile.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">All day Hon. Mr. Stork-bird</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_35"></a>[35]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">Go down town to transaction of business with salooners and other drunk.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He vote,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He work</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He come home at night</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When not forgetting to do so.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0"><span class="smcap">Bun-bun</span></div> - <div class="verse indent0"><span class="smcap">Saki-run</span>,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Listen to the sing I song!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">One Thursday afternoon</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Mrs. Stork-bird enjoyed one thought</div> - <div class="verse indent0">(Which was very scarcely found in them days)</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Gentlemen Stork make vote,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Lady Stork make egg.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So fierce to think!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Why should not Lady Stork make conversation</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And Gentleman Stork attend to population?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I ask to know!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Therefore, why?”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So, after she had finished</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Household duties of afternoon,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Hon. Mrs. Stork-bird</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Flap-fly to chimney residence</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Of considerable other Stork-birds</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Of Yeddo.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To other lady Stork-birds she deply,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Come off it!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Liberty, eggality, affinity</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Is pass-key word</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For downtroddy female!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Therefore, let us begin high-fly with superior intellects of precinct-leaders & Republican caucases!”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Yet all Lady Storks deplore,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“What shall we do with eggs, please?”</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_36"></a>[36]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">“Drop eggs!” say Mrs. Stork-bird;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Hon. Husbands can took care of eggs</div> - <div class="verse indent0">If they is so bright about things.”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0"><span class="smcap">Bun-bun</span></div> - <div class="verse indent0"><span class="smcap">Saki-run</span>,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Listen to the sing I song!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Lady-storks all desugerated</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To sky-high.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">They all run country for 28 annual years,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Elected Board of Supervisors</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And did very happy job of politicks.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Gentleman Storks, who was discouraged,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Sat on nests,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But with such unhappiness of result!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">At last one day people of Yeddo</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Look up and decry,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Where is all Stork-birds went?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">My sakes!!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">All nests diserted from,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">No youthful Stork-birds to see—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Depopulatiousness must set in</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Without eggs!!”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And so it was as true,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">No eggs,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">No storks—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">All off!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0"><span class="smcap">Bun-bun</span></div> - <div class="verse indent0"><span class="smcap">Saki-run</span>,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Listen to the sing I song!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>This will make very sad song for harmonica.</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_37"></a>[37]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="V">V<br> -<span class="smaller">THE FINANCIAL BREAKDOWN</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, January 9th.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To Editor New York Newspaper, whichever -gentleman or gentlemans does such useful -work there.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Hon. Mr. Sir</span>—This U. S. Kingdom, Mr. -Editor, is now at present enjoying great panic -of banking business. I do not participate in this -calamity, because I am making less salary than -required for banking surplus. Therefore I am not -objecting to present money shake-down except -because I have none, and yet frequently I hear -of stock-jump falling down grade until it is -broken and useless for finance. Yes, also several -banking-business go under. “Under what?” -is question for me. For reply I hear each get-poor -gentleman say “Wall Street,” pointing to -Augustus Heinz on map.</p> - -<p>This thoroughfare, Wall Street, must be magnificent -place for some persons to enjoy. My -Cousin Nogi explain how about that avenue. -“That is very rich place for gilding,” he response, -“each sidewalk there is paved with gold money<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_38"></a>[38]</span> -which broker gentlemen do not care for. Stock -exchange and many banking establishments there -are constructed solidly of gold-brick.”</p> - -<p>“Nogi,” I relate, “you often know something. -Thank you to answer 5 questions which I have -prepared upon letter-paper for reply.”</p> - -<p>“Relate such troubles to some editors,” say -Nogi taking derby to go call on Miss Mabel Sanjijo -which he is engaged to marry when divorced. -Therefore I supply those 5 questions about -Financial trouble for you to look at, Mr. Sir:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>1. When Stocks makes upstart motion why -do it act so rather than stand stationary?</p> - -<p>2. When Stocks makes downstart movement, -what for is the reason and what would stop it?</p> - -<p>3. Some gentlemen is called “broker”—what -does he break to get such names?</p> - -<p>4. When money is lost in Wall St. can this be -recovered by advertising in newspaper?</p> - -<p>5. Can you give Japanese Boy name and -address of some honourable gentleman who might -tell accurately what time some stocks will be -making upstart movement soon?</p> - -</div> - -<p>Why do bank-houses burst? That is more -easy answer than those questions about Wall St. -jumping of stocks. Banks burst because there -is nothing inside and pressure from outside -causes cave in of walls. Why is there nothing in<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_39"></a>[39]</span> -banks when so bursted? Because persons makes -runnings on these banks in order to take outside -what is inside. Maybe one man have $1,000 in -this bank-house. He go around to that place -to see if these money is comfortable there.</p> - -<p>“Is my thousand dollar remaining comfortable -in this deposit?” he require of Hon. Pay-Teller.</p> - -<p>“Yes, please,” respond this Financier, “all -such moneys is right deposited where put.”</p> - -<p>“Thanks to know, Mr. Banker,” retort -American gentleman. “If you please, permit -me to carry it from places to places in my pocket -which I have.”</p> - -<p>“You are obliged to it,” demand them Pay-Teller, -and take $1,000 from deposit, where was, to -pocket of American gentleman, where is. Soonly -numberous American gentlemans learn about -take-out of $1,000, so all make running-stampede -to bank-house where they say to Pay-Teller:</p> - -<p>“Give <i>us</i> each $1,000 to carry from places to -places in <i>our</i> pockets which we have in our -clothes!”</p> - -<p>“You are obliged to it,” response the Pay-Teller. -So he deposit $1,000 to all persons until -bank-house bursts down and Wall St. enjoys -frequent panic of fear.</p> - -<p>This show plainly that bank-houses bursting -is blame of people who do it.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_40"></a>[40]</span></p> - -<p>Rich men enjoying poverty are much stabbed -by financial breaking. Poor men enjoying large -incomes of money are not so stung.</p> - -<p class="tb">To avoid financial panic therefore persons -should have too much wealthy for this. How to -get this money is question for Japanese Boy. -How did each great American gentleman acquire -such millions? If Japanese Boy could know -how, he might follow example of Industry -Captains and get exhalted likewise. So I put -on my derby to discover about this success in -business.</p> - -<p>To Hon. Mr. Strunsky who keep saloon I go -with enquiry. Like all Irish gentlemen Mr. -Strunsky is sweethearted when not enjoying -angry fit.</p> - -<p>“Tell me to know, Hon. Strunsky,” I examine, -“how do this Rockefeller acquire such many -things?”</p> - -<p>“He is successful in grafting,” response Mr. -Strunsky.</p> - -<p>“Thank you to response how Hon. Harriman -also do so?” I talk.</p> - -<p>“He is fine grafter,” suggest this Irish -gentleman.</p> - -<p>“In what profession do Hon. Hill, Hon. Lawson -& Hon. Rodgers train themselves for it?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_41"></a>[41]</span></p> - -<p>“Graft!” response Mr. Strunsky making -blinking motion of eye.</p> - -<p>Thanks so much to Mr. Strunsky I go away -improved. I have now choosen career to which -I shall apply my mental thought. Grafting -profession is good thing for Japanese Boy to learn -because this lead to famous success and renown -in American life. Maybe I go back Japan and -teach this knowledge in University of Tokyo.</p> - -<p>To become great famous like Rockefeller, etc., -must require so much book-study of grafting. -Where to get such books? Walter W. Shoji, -who study learning at California university, say -that grafting is sometime teached by professors -together with law-courses. I go to S. F. public -library & there find volumes about farming, -architecture, warfare, arithmetic, socialism & -religion, but no book to tell how grafting should -be done by a beginner wishing to do so.</p> - -<p class="tb">Many persons speak of Hon. Abe Reuff, now -residing in jail, as grafter. This do not be so. -Grafters are famous gentlemen, and therefore -must be great & good. This Hon. Reuff is not -so, for why would he be there in that jail then? -He is so caged up for dishonestness. I would not -study grafting of dishonest man, because he -might not teach me right. What did Wm.<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_42"></a>[42]</span> -Shakespeare, the great book-maker, say so? “Act -well your part, others take notice.”</p> - -<p>Hon. Sir, do you pay cash-money for poetical -thought like following rhythm?</p> - -<h3><i>POETRY REQUESTING HON. F. AUGUSTUS -HEINZ TO TEACH GRAFTING TO JAPANESE -SCHOOLBOY</i></h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Noble man, you tell me so</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Something I require to know?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Where I go and what I do</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Learn be wealthy man like you?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Money-king</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Pulling string,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Up-stock, down-stock, everything!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Many person say to me,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Save your money like John D.”—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Have to save much long to get</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Hundred million dollar yet!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Start too late,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">No can wait</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Save up cash at such slow rate.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Other person speak more frank,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Go take shoot-gun, hold up bank.”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That way sinful, for I know</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Honest Grafter not do so.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Where you take</div> - <div class="verse indent0">What you make?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Tell me how for mercy sake!</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_43"></a>[43]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Some folks say, “It not wise plan</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Get-rich-quick from stock-talk man.”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">John get-rich-quick by such game—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Why not Jap Boy do the same?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">One—two—three,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Out goes he—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">John stay in (that place for me!)</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Tell me, please, what thing I need,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">What course study, what book read,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Make Success of all can do,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Be Great Grafter same like you?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Be great man,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Make all can,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Teach this Graft to dear Japan.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, come -me to-day and make tearful cries because I have -decided to be Grafter instead of learning missionary -job. When he know that I am firmtooth to -my purpose he tell me this story about antique -Japan:</p> - -<p>Seven million years previously to the present -Japan dynasty the great philosopher Nichi -Nichi sat down to make fishing-sport by small -stream-creek of Yeddo. While engaged in putting -angly-worm bait on fish-hook he look down -in stream-creek and observe twelve thousand -sucker-fish in water making eye-wink at angly-worm -bait.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_44"></a>[44]</span></p> - -<p>“This would be remarkable luck for Japanese -fisherman,” he respond, dipping angly-worm in -puddle. But sucker-fish no care for diet just then -and perch on bottom making smiles through gills.</p> - -<p>Nichi Nichi is excited by obstinacy of sucker-fish. -He put on caterpillar-bait. Nothing to do. -He try corn-beef diet for fishes. They refusal, -thank you. He spit on bait to bring favour of -fish-god. Sucker-fish not care for this pains-taking, -howeverly.</p> - -<p>Then philosopher Nichi Nichi enjoy angry rage -throwing fish-pole to grass, tearing beard and -speeching these:</p> - -<p>“O tell me, sucker-fish, is it not truth that you -are reputed most easy of all fish that practise -swimming in these brook near Yeddo?”</p> - -<p>And them twelve thousand sucker-fish, making -smiles through gills, raise fins to universal sky -and response,</p> - -<p>“Oh Nichi Nichi, philosopher, we are that.”</p> - -<p>“Then tell me to know, idiotic waggle-tails, -why you no care for delicious baits I provide for -eating?”</p> - -<p>“Because this,” reject all them fish together -flipping tails to dog-star, “we have ate them baits -before—caterpillar, angly-worm, corn-beef—we -have ate and been catched by those. Never again, -thank you so much.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_45"></a>[45]</span></p> - -<p>“Oh, quite well!” exclamation that great man. -“Then I shall offer you some new rare bait -which fishes shall eat only this once time, because -so scarce to get.”</p> - -<p>With these remark the wise Nichi Nichi take -all baits off from hook. Then he drop bare hook -in stream. All them sucker-fish cease to smile -with gills and make hungry grab at hook, because -this (they thinked to themselves) was such rare -chance.</p> - -<p>As consequence of this excitement Nichi Nichi -catch 12,000 sucker-fish in 1 hour 20 minutes. -These he made into canned salmon and grow very -wealthy from such a Graft.</p> - -<p>At time of death-bed he remarked to wife and -children, “It would be sinful to waste good Bait -on poor Fishes.”</p> - -<p>So this proverb is pasted on all important -Japanese tombs today:</p> - -<p>“The gods have fixed the little brooks so that -one sucker-fish is born each minute by clocktime. -Who shall catch him, you or I?”</p> - -<p>Hoping your printing-factory is doing good -by all news and best wishes to friends,</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_46"></a>[46]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="VI">VI<br> -<span class="smaller">HON. NIGGERS, WAS THEY FREED BY LINCOLN?</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, Jan. 29th.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To Editor New York Newspaper where Truth -is oftenly found on shrines & Virtue sets in -very comfortable rocking-chair.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dearest Sir</span>—Japanese Schoolboys does not -addict therselves to gleeful laugh of mirth, because -some Noble Thought might escape away never to -be catched. What say American songer, Hon. -Seth Lowell, about almanac:</p> - -<p>“What is so scarce as a day in June?”</p> - -<p>Answer is: A Noble Thought is more scarcer!</p> - -<p>And yet this morning-time I was uttering several -gleeful screams which was unavoidable to dodge. -Editorial of newspaper-print say, “Hon. Jo-uncle -Cannon must be voted for because of face which -have close shave to that of Hon. Abraham Lincoln.” -Then I was to blame for them mirthfulness -which almost-so cause race-riot in Japanese -section.</p> - -<p>It has become fashionable in this kingdom, -Mr. Editor, for candidates wishing to become -President to resemble Hon. Abraham Lincoln so<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_47"></a>[47]</span> -closely as possible to. This is frequently difficult. -Hon. Cannon is like Hon. Lincoln to roots of -whiskers, but them foliage does not indicate very -much about what is going on inside of soul. -Difference between Hon. Lincoln and Hon. -Cannon is difference between high-thinking and -high-tariff. Resemblance of them two great -Statesmen is only chin-deep. I. Anazuma, Japanese -barber, say-how that expressions of Hon. -Fairbanks & Hon. Hughes could be changed by -trimming to make look-like of Hon. Lincoln. I -am alarmed to think. Perhaps-so that famous -globe-racer, Hon. Taft, might be also arranged -over in some way, but would he not lose considerable -solid Japanese vote in doing thus? -I am amazed to reply.</p> - -<p>Maybe it would be more human-natural for -candidates wishing to enjoy election to hire from -some costumer following masquerade:</p> - -<p>Hon. Cannon disguised as Abraham Lincoln.</p> - -<p>Hon. Taft disguised as Bismarck.</p> - -<p>Hon. Hughes disguised as Viscount Aoki.</p> - -<p>Hon. Cortelyou disguised as John Drew.</p> - -<p>Hon. Bryan disguised as Elbert Hubbard.</p> - -<p>Hon. Fairbanks disguised as Uriah Keep.</p> - -<p>Them costumes might be payed for by Campaign -Contributions, but will they? Wall Street regard -bribing as sinful during depression of hard times.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_48"></a>[48]</span></p> - -<p>Before leaving off from Tokyo for these -Uniteds State I was considerably weeped -over by my Rev. Grandfather, Japanese of -elderly principles who say-so to me, “Togo, -you are going to that wild kingdom of America -which is very full of savage Christians. Do -not go to Indiana because Indians is found -there.”</p> - -<p>“I am disgusted to think,” I commute. “What -shall I do in this America so as not to disgrace my -long row of ancestors?”</p> - -<p>“Find yourself some Ideal,” corrode Hon. -Grandfather. “Make pickout of some famous -American what you can live up to them. -Select to be like George Washington, Abraham -Lincoln, or E. H. Harriman. Thank you to -choose.”</p> - -<p>So I leave that dear ancestor to his rice-cake, -tea-drunk, hara-kiri and other old-fashion Japanese -customs and take Nippon Maru-boat for -America. When I arrive to wharf I meet Cousin -Nogi and enquire to know.</p> - -<p>“Should Japanese Boy imitate performances -of Hon. E. H. Harriman in order to become -immediately immortal?”</p> - -<p>“Too dangerous to do!” indicate this Nogi -with American eye-wink. “Hon. Harriman is -now being regulated by law.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_49"></a>[49]</span></p> - -<p>“How about Hon. Washington and Hon. -Lincoln to copy for famous career?” I magnetize -for emotion.</p> - -<p>“Hon. Washington could not tell a lie, while -Hon. Lincoln was celebrated for gleeful anecdotes. -Therefore Lincoln was most ablest man of -them two. Also because of early struggly of -career he was noble example for all Japanese -Schoolboys enjoying poverty for American -education.”</p> - -<p>Then Cousin Nogi, who is very addicted to -paragraphs of Hon. Ida M. Tarbell, tell me -following history of early Lincoln:</p> - -<p>“When Hon. Abe Lincoln enjoy seven years of -oldness,” carouse this Nogi, “he desire to be President -of these Uniteds State which was then a -republick by government.</p> - -<p>“‘How can you manage to be this President -and yet work on farm?’ his Rev. Mother enquire -to know.</p> - -<p>“‘By running odd-jobs before times & book-study -afterwards,’ molest this youthful enthusiasm -with smiling expression.</p> - -<p>“So with immediate quickness he obtain job of -employment mowing grass, keeping books and -running elevator for neighbouring farmer. He -also tilled some soil for people. When not doing -this he was studying ‘How to Be President,’ a<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_50"></a>[50]</span> -book by George Washington who was then enjoying -pension for oldness.</p> - -<p>“In book-studies & job-duties Hon. Lincoln -spend 24 hours daily. Balance of time was -devoted to recreations, sleep & other idleness of -amusement. This continual drudgery of employment -teach that Lincoln many useful things,” -conduce Nogi at expiration of this history.</p> - -<p>“Ah yes!” I collapse, “it teach him to sympathize -for them Negroes who was also enjoying -slavery.”</p> - -<p>I am natural to ask question: Was it good thing -to request them Negroes to stop slaving? I have -required for reply of several Japanese about this -Negro Problemb, but they are unamerous to reply, -“We do not know any such coloured acquaintances, -thank you!” And they are proud about -it. I wrote letter of this Question to Hon. Booker -Washington who answered by sending C. O. D. -“How I Quit Being One,” a delightful volume -full of adjectives. How to know about Negro -Question then?</p> - -<p>I at last become acquaintance of Hon. J. -Fortesque Smith, Negro-coloured gentleman who -does mop-work at saloon of Hon. Strunsky who -runs it. If all Negroes is like this Smith it must -be a talented race. So filled of expression is his -performances on Edison phonograph! With such<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_51"></a>[51]</span> -raring pathos do he execute that famous negro -melody, “Cheerful Widow Waltz” from them -rubber disks! By hour I admire harmonious -noise of Hon. Smith and that talented machine—then -pretty soonly came around Hon. Strunsky -with angry Irish voice to command more purchase -of beer or get-out.</p> - -<p>At last, Mr. Editor, I go around to grand opera -of Williams & Walker, and there continue study -of Negro Problemb. I was very intelligent about -this until Hon. Johnson collapsed into raggle-time -sing-songing entitled “Sus-a-OO, Lu-Lu, I-a -want-a you too!” Suddenly I discover my feets -performing jiu jitsu with therselves under seat. -I rebuke them quietly, but they continue to -misbehave until, at finally, they strike dark -clergyman in ankle-bone and I am retired -from that opera house after considerable race-riot.</p> - -<p>O surely, it is wrong for that Africa to teach -them diseases to Europe & Asia! And yet that -raggle-time coon-singing is a species of chorus -which shoots a long distance into my soul. I am -very earnest about this dark-coloured harmony -which comes with such splandid spasms through -the shoes expressing comic emotions as it does so. -Could you send me name and address of some -talented Hon. Coon who would furnish tune, rimes,<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_52"></a>[52]</span> -jokes, etc., for following poetical thought? For -this he will receive ½ of what he gets.</p> - -<h3><i>COMIC THOUGHT SUITABLE FOR COON SONG -OR SOME OTHER HYMN</i></h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">On America Maru</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And on Nippon Maru</div> - <div class="verse indent0">(Similar vapour-boats determined to go to Nagasaki</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And back again to here)</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Many Japanese is discovered</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With top-up eye</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And high-brow expression.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Where are you going, Japanese persons?”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Enquire sea-rooster perching on coop-deck,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Where are you going with purse-sack</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So full of nickels & dimes?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With Sunday go-meeting clothes on</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And such satisfied neckties?”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Oh!”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Respond Japanese in unison</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And make giggly mirth.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Ask us to know!”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">They are smiling through ears with Sherlock Holmes expression.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Hark it!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">What was that whistling motion of noise?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Was it sea-wind of Pacific?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Was it typhoon of nature?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Or was it Japanese practising together</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Tunes from “Mikado”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Of Hons. Gilbert & Sullivan?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Teeth and nose of these ship,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Nippon Maru and America Maru,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Is pointed to Westward.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_53"></a>[53]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">Japan is still somewhere in that direction</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And numerous Japanese is on board this transportation.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Why</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Is such quantities of them</div> - <div class="verse indent0">On the passenger-table?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Has Japanese immigration</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Gone burst</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In California?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Has Rev. Mr. Emperor of Japan</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Called Reserves back</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For some more handsome defeat of Russia?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Or what?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">(Expression of kittenish foxes is indulged in</div> - <div class="verse indent0">By all Japanese Boys on this ship.)</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“Hon. Nippon Maru</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And Hon. America Maru,”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Wirelessly telegraf Hon. Uncle Sam from shore,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Where are you going</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Away from here</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With such heavy ballast of Japanese?”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Respectable Uncle,”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Reply them ships,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“We are taking all Japanese</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Off of California.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">They will go Japan,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">They will go Satsuma,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">They will settle themselves on Corea</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And less disgusting parts of China.”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Pretty soonly</div> - <div class="verse indent0">All will be depart from California.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then who</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To general housework, table-wait, manufacture salomon in cannery, fruit-pick, employment bureau and other useful exersises for good of populus?</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_54"></a>[54]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">Pretty soonly all America will calamity together,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Where is them dear Japanese</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Went to?”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And Dai Nippon with far-gone wheeze will distant reply,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Away from here;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Away from brick-bat</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And other educational features.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Japanese has came to America</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To learn things.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">They has learned them and went.”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">On Nippon Maru</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And America Maru</div> - <div class="verse indent0">(Similar vapour-boats determined to go to Nagasaki</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And back again to here),</div> - <div class="verse indent0">These imaginery things I speak-so</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Perhapsly occur—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Perhapsly not.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>In a soon letter of the future I wish to tell you -how about one new party of politicks which the -Japanese Thinking Society (of which I am a -membership) is preparing to begin. This new -Party of Politicks, I am hopeful to believe, is more -better than Republican and Democratic parties -of present. Anyhow, it is not any worser.</p> - -<p>All well here with exception of J. Furo who is -dead.</p> - -<p>Hoping you are the same,</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<p>S. P.—Tell me to know this: Of what State is -Hon. Leslie M. Shaw the favourite son of? H. T.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_55"></a>[55]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="VII">VII<br> -<span class="smaller">HON. SIMPLE LIFE AMONG AMBASSADORS</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, February 10th,</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To Editor New York Newspaper which tells all -Truth for second-class postage.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dear Mr.</span>—I ask to know. Would it be a -possibility for one bright Japanese Boy to get a -good salary position of Ambassador to Berlin or -some other seaport? My cousin Nogi tell me that -Dr. Dave Hill do not care for such a job because -wages is too tiny.</p> - -<p>“How much is them wages?” I inquire for -nervous feeling.</p> - -<p>“Sum of $17,500 of annual pay,” mortify this -Nogi.</p> - -<p>“Japanese Boy would accept this patiently,” -I collapse with voice.</p> - -<p>“He might got it, but could he?” dictate Nogi, -who understands horse-racing & problembs.</p> - -<p>I am beswitched.</p> - -<p>“You would appear a very cheap diplomat with -such a salary,” say Nogi. “Hon. Charleymain -Tower, Ambassador from O-hio, spend more -annual cash than this for champagne which is<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_56"></a>[56]</span> -necessary in Berlin for kings, dukes, princes, etc., -which is accustomed to expect it from American -Ambassadors when going through that town. -That Hon. Tower are a great spend.”</p> - -<p>“Poverty are no disgrace,” I signify with W. J. -Bryan expression.</p> - -<p>“For Methodist Ministers it are no disgrace,” -say Nogi. “But for Foreign Ministers it are considered -a crime.”</p> - -<p>“I am confused by this,” I depress.</p> - -<p>“Imagine that you was Hon. American Ambassador -to Berlin,” deploy Nogi.</p> - -<p>I do so with ease.</p> - -<p>“And imagine I was Hon. Emperor of -Germany.”</p> - -<p>I do so with difficulty.</p> - -<p>“You go to them Germany with $17,500 annual -wages which you draw in advance. You look -around street for some nice palace where U. S. -flag can be represented with dignity. You find -such a palace, pretty soonly, over general -feed store for rent-sum of $20 per monthly. -For sum of $5 you can hire Mrs. Nusbaum in -up-floor flat to take down clothes-line so that -Hon. U. S. flag can be flew on Monday afternoon. -Then you spend $17,000 for champagne -and set down on back porch where flies are -scarce.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_57"></a>[57]</span></p> - -<p>“Do something happen pretty suddenly?” I ask -to know.</p> - -<p>“Quite promptly I come along in one golden-coloured -automobile, accompanied by Signal -Corps, Fire Department, Royal Mounted Mustache -Guard, and Second Artillery Band——”</p> - -<p>“Who are you, please?” is next question for -Japanese Schoolboy.</p> - -<p>“I am Hon. Emperor of Germany calling to -make a diplomatick relationship with Hon. -American Ambassador. I call in them quiet way -I mention because I know that Hon. Poverty of -American Ambassador would get embarrassed by -kingly pompus. I stop royal automobile in front -of Nusbaum’s Feed Store.</p> - -<p>“‘Are Hon. American Ambassador at home for -diplomatick relationship?’ Hon. Emperor holler-up -to second story.</p> - -<p>“‘He are out back splitting kindling,’ decry -Hon. Mrs. Nusbaum. ‘But I will told him that -Your Majesty have arrive—wait, please!’</p> - -<p>“So she run & whistle down speaking-tube:</p> - -<p>“‘Hello! Come up if convenient, Mr. Ambassador. -Hon. Emperor are here to see you.’</p> - -<p>“So Hon. American Ambassador, with arms -full of kindling wood, make sneakstep to kitchen, -where he wash hands in sink, then haste to parlour. -There he find Hon. Emperor of Germany setting<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_58"></a>[58]</span> -on sofa and looking cross because he have stumbled -over baby-buggy in the hall.</p> - -<p>“‘Good morning, Mr. Emperor,’ say Hon. -Ambassador. ‘Will you have something to -drink?’</p> - -<p>“‘No,’ say he. ‘But I will take a cigar.’</p> - -<p>“‘I have not got no cigars, Hon. Majesty,’ he -say. ‘But I have some delicious chew-tobacco of -considerable long cut.’</p> - -<p>“Hon. Emperor of Germany, who are a awful -polite king, eat some of that tobacco and make -faces of enjoyment. Soonly he accept drink -of champagne what Mrs. Nusbaum give him in -tin cup; then he prepare to take his depart with -willing smiles.</p> - -<p>“‘Mr. Ambassador,’ he decry, ‘what kind of -Embassy do you call this what you got here?’</p> - -<p>“‘This,’ say Hon. Ambassador, ‘are what are -called “Jeffersonian Simplicity.”’</p> - -<p>“‘Are you fond of this kind of simplicity?’ -Hon. Emperor inquire to know.</p> - -<p>“‘No,’ say-he, ‘but Hon. Jefferson was.’</p> - -<p>“‘Hon. Jefferson should try being an Ambassador -to Germany if he like it so well,’ say Hon. Emperor, -giving royal automobile one complete honk.”</p> - -<p class="tb">Mr. Editor, question before Congress is this: -Can American Republick, at stingy expense, teach<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_59"></a>[59]</span> -Kings, Princes, etc., to expect less spendthrifty -display whenever they goes to see American Ambassadors? -Maybe so it are possible. Maybe -Emperors, when they gets tired of ruling, will -become accustomed to saying, “Let’s go over to -Charley Tower’s flat and listen to Caruso on the -phonograph.” Maybe-so it will soon become a -common sight in Berlin to see the Hon. Emperor -buying 15c package of Frankfurters for luncheon -with Hon. American Ambassador. Maybe—but -Japanese Schoolboy are doubtful because he come -from a kingdom where habits of Emperors is often -observed. And I never seen no kings acting that -way.</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" id="illus06" style="max-width: 43.75em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus06.jpg" alt=""> - <p class="caption">“‘Good morning, Mr. Emperor,’ say Hon. Ambassador”</p> -</div> - -<p>Trouble with these U. S., Mr. Editor, is that they -is not so awful Progressive like they imagines they -are. It is a very nice thing to be noisy, but a shoot-cannon -must have something besides powder in -it to do considerable damage. America man work -pretty swift when let alone; but if he wait for act of -Congress he had more better wait for act of God -and the Russian Douma. There are just one body -of mans in the entire world slower than Hon. -Russian Douma, and that are Hon. American -Congress.</p> - -<p>It take one of them degraded and outworn -monarchies of the Old World eighteen months to -stick together a first-class war-boat of very excellent<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_60"></a>[60]</span> -trimmings. It take these swift U. S. six years to -nail together such a fighter-ship, and after them -six years is past American Congress awakes and -finds that it doesn’t need no navy nohow.</p> - -<p>Hon. Congressman Captain Richard Peachy -Hobson arise recently for debate and do considerable -gun-fire with eyes.</p> - -<p>“By all them sun-kissed hills of native land,” -he say with energy, “let us defend it. Japan are -a menace. So are China, Sweden, and the Malay -Archipelago. If all them dangerous nationalities -combined to do us dirt how would they go at it? -By fleets? In one week 17,000,000,000 yen would -flow into coffers of very yellow peril. In two weeks -78 extreme <i>Dreadnothings</i> would intend to go San -Francisco for warfare. In three weeks Japan -would be camping in Waldorf-Astoria and Sweden -would accept Milwaukee as spoil of war. Therefore -I arise up to propose it. I propose it that -Hon. Sharp Williams instruct the Democratic -minority to build 12 <i>Dreadnothing</i> battleships -weekly until election is over.”</p> - -<p>(Loud groans from Jo-uncle Cannon.)</p> - -<p>Uprise then Hon. Burton. “Mr. Speech,” -he-say it, “I uprise to second them bill of Hon. -Cap. Congressman Hobson; but with some slight -amendments to make it look natural. I propose -that them 12 <i>Dreadnothings</i> be reduced to 1 gunboat<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_61"></a>[61]</span> -to be built by Union Iron Works in 1926, in -case there ain’t no war before then.”</p> - -<p>“But how to defend Hon. America without no -ships?” demand Hon. Hobson with voice.</p> - -<p>“We are not afraid of all-world Powers,” declaim -Hon. Burton. “If Japan, England, Ireland, and -Spain come to our shores with latest pattern -explosives, then the indomitable spirit of American -people shall defend us!”</p> - -<p>(Loud applause from Congress which continue -ahead with campaign program.)</p> - -<p>Such is fate of Hon. Hobson’s hobby. It is -certain that Hon. Congress are not afraid of no -foreign navy. Hon. Congress is not afraid of -nothing when it do not cost them nothing to do so.</p> - -<p class="tb">It are collapsible sentiment of all intelligent -Japanese, Mr. Editor, that Hon. Congress will -eventually, or later, build very magnificent -Embassies (on model of Pennsylvania State Capitol) -in Berlin, Paris, London, Tokyo, Pekin, and -wherever it is required by kings and fashionable -persons residing there. But before them buildings -is done some Bills must be made, revised, torn -up and referred to wastebasket in following committees:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>1—Committee on Architecture.</p> - -<p>2—Committee on Plumbing.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_62"></a>[62]</span></p> - -<p>3—Committee on Window Curtains.</p> - -<p>4—Committee on Foreign Relations.</p> - -<p>5—Committee on Gas and Water.</p> - -</div> - -<p>By the time them bills is passed America will -no longer be sneezed at as a Young Nation. And -in the mean while Hon. Ambassadors from these -U.S. must be subsidized by some Trust or else ride -in trolley cars between Hon. Embassy and Hon. -German Court.</p> - -<p>Little Annie Anazuma, 8-year-age daughter of -I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, make following -Mother Geese about it:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“The Star Spangley Banner</div> - <div class="verse indent0">O long may she soar</div> - <div class="verse indent0">O’er the National Arms</div> - <div class="verse indent0">On a grocery store!”</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Arthur Kickahajama ask for enquiry yesterday -time:</p> - -<p>“Are this Dr. Dave Hill a diplomat?”</p> - -<p>“To look like an Ambassador to Germany on -a salary of $17,500 a year he have <i>got</i> to be pretty -much of a diplomat,” I answer for reply.</p> - -<p>With gun-salutes to Hon. Hobson.</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_63"></a>[63]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="VIII">VIII<br> -<span class="smaller">A THIRD TERM FOR OUR EMPEROR</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, February 23rd.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To postoffice of New York Newspaper to be found -there by Editor.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>: I will not vote for President this -time, thank you, because your Emperor, Mr. -Roosevelt, will not run to get it. Therefore I -am neglectful about all other Candidates.</p> - -<p>Little Annie Anazuma, eight-years-age, daughter -of I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, come to me -with childish inquisitive.</p> - -<p>“Tell me one truth, Uncle Togo,” she deploy. -“Is it possible to think that Japanese Boy will -some day be President of this respectable -kingdom?”</p> - -<p>“Hardy so—and yet maybe,” I addict with -deceptive expression.</p> - -<p>“So happy to think!” negotiate this infant enthusiasm, -with fond smiling. “Then how must -he go to it to become such a President?”</p> - -<p>“He must firstly obtain consent of Hon. Roosevelt, -who probably would not give it,” I dictate -because I am aware it might be so.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_64"></a>[64]</span></p> - -<p>“Are it customary for Presidents to select with -voice name of some gentleman what would be less -disgusting to him for next King of America?” require -this Infant Prodigal, who are too ingrown -of brain for enjoy mere doll-play.</p> - -<p>“Ah, sure yes!” I explode. “If gentleman -what have been in White House 4 years do not -know a good President when he see him, who -would?”</p> - -<p>“When inexperienced gentleman are called by -White House to take job he must enjoy great -agony trying to study Constitution, boat-building, -Tuskagee, & other racing problembs necessary -to encumbrance of office,” she say-it.</p> - -<p>“That are still customary,” I report.</p> - -<p>“Who commence to originate this merciful -custom?” demand little Annie.</p> - -<p>“Because you are childish I make education -for you. Pres. Roosevelt done it.”</p> - -<p>“So happy to know!” digest this Japanese child. -“He is great Emperor of America—therefore he -will last forever.”</p> - -<p>“So sorry to reply,” I disgust. “Hon. Pres. -Roosevelt will soon stop doing it.”</p> - -<p>“Tell me to know, Uncle Togo,” examine this -difficult infant. “Is not Emperors made to last -considerable length?”</p> - -<p>“In responsible kingdoms, yes-so—but in<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_65"></a>[65]</span> -America, no-so. Here Kings is elected for 4 -years to discouridge them.”</p> - -<p>“These white-coloured foreigners is too hard -answers for children to know,” say little Annie -Anazuma running away for play-doll amusement.</p> - -<p>I say these lectures to Little Annie with great -pleasure to be telling something to somebody -what believes it. But then come brain-thoughts -which bring enjoyment of fierce pangs. What -to do with America when Emperor Roosevelt -has took himself from it? I enquire for answer.</p> - -<p>I beg you to do it as request, Mr. Editor. -Please have your printer put some words on -editorial page asking Hon. Roosevelt to continue -once more term as Emperor of this Republic. -I enclose cash of 50c. to pay for your expense of -writing, etc. Thank you so many!</p> - -<p class="tb">Honest to truth, I am aggregated with anger -to have Mr. Emperor Roosevelt dictate, “No -thank you, not for three-times running!” Why -so does he stop being King just at instant when -all-national people is enjoying that American -performance? It will be sad for my heart to see -some private person occupying public career of -Hon. Roosevelt when he gets through sitting on it.</p> - -<p>What decry Julius Cæsar about being elected too -much for Republican party of Rome? “One good<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_66"></a>[66]</span> -term deserves another,” he command, and Mr. -Brutus was pleased to be there with stabbing-knife. -But this is different subject from what about it.</p> - -<p class="tb">Now it is historical knowledge that Pres. -Roosevelt is ignorant about fear. What does -frighten him, then, about this Third Term business -affair? Because Hon. Geo. Washington said -not do it? So ridicule for great man to think! -Hon. Roosevelt is not afraid of Hon. Washington. -Then go ahead, Mr. Roosevelt, please! Continue -terming for several more administrations.</p> - -<p>Whenever I think of some private gentleman -being public President of U. S. I spill tear-drop -from sadness. Mere human person like Hon. -Taft is large enough to entirely fill throne with -himself but he can not fill it with that marvellous -activity of Roosevelt.</p> - -<p class="tb">Hon. Jenny Bryan, so I read by news-prints, -has went out for duck-shoot and also hoping to -slew some bears. This show how sadly he long -for President. But nothing to do! Mr. Jenny is -too quiet Democrat for election. He must murder -something or make elopement with somebody’s -grandmother to get photo in newspaper any more. -Then American persons will remember he is -alive and nominate him for another defeat.</p> - -<p>In what administration was Hon. Bryan President<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_67"></a>[67]</span> -of these Uniteds State? I ask these ignorant -question because Hon. Bryan happened before I -arrived here.</p> - -<p>Time is passed, Mr. Editor, for American gentleman -to be President by merely being so. Prince -Albert cutaway and sky-scrape eye-brow with -patriotic noise from stump are decomposed from -modern politics, thank you. Successful candidate -for America must not only stand on stump for -speech—he must use stump for downside-up gymnasticks -employing heels for passionate gestures. -If candidate can not do nothing else he must be -owner of Trust or some other respectable business.</p> - -<p>Whenever I have look-at some American gentleman -behaviour strange and queer in publick, -then I enjoy suspicion, “That person is expecting -for nomination to President!”</p> - -<p>Because this. When gentleman require to be -notice by Delegates of Convention he must perform -something queer in publicity. Sometime -he take too much cocktail, sometime too much -buttermilk—drink depending on religious training. -Then all newspapers go to his doorway and -ask for photo, childhood and name of party by -which he prefers to be runned. Pretty soonly this -candidate is celebrated name in all mouths. After -this he may be elected, which is too difficult to -think about, thank you!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_68"></a>[68]</span></p> - -<p>By last week I seen Yoni Sadekachi, wealthy -and influential Japanese greenhouse, enjoying -phenomenal cataclyptic spasm of fits on street -corner. Large crowd was present including -three American reporters. Next morning following -headline in all American newspaper:</p> - -<p class="center">JAPANESE SPASM OF FITS!!!</p> - -<p class="center">HON. YONI SADEKACHI ENJOYS ONE AND<br> -GAINS LARGE MERIT OF JAPANESE<br> -VOTERS PRESENT.<br> -WILL HE BE NOMINATION FOR PRESIDENT?<br> -WE ASK TO KNOW</p> - -<p>Pretty soonly news-children scream announcement -all over this America. Political man see -this and report. “Yes, please, this Hon. Yoni will -make very happy candidate for Republican party -with fusion of Japanese Socialists. It will be -pleasant to mention him if everything else fails.”</p> - -<p>This is to show, Mr. Editor, how dangerous -it is to encourage talented Japanese in this -kingdom.</p> - -<p>One Japanese poem, please, for your printer -to practise on:</p> - -<h3><i>SILENCE OF NEXT ADMINISTRATION</i></h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Last night I dream this when heliotrope of despair breathe to lily-flower,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When moonlight is there</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And crane-bird stand with bill under its elbow:</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_69"></a>[69]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">One Angel arrive to my bedstead.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Good morning,” I report, “what is your name?”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“How do you do,” she say. “My name is Silence.”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Hon. Silence,” I exclaim, “how did you get into this country?”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“I got in,” she exclaim, “when Hon. Roosevelt got out.”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Is Hon. Roosevelt got out?” I support.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“O yes,” say Angel, “can not you hear the sound of Silence all over land?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Silence in Congress, in Nursery, in Pulpit, in Wall Street?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Can not you hear it?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">You are blind in ears if not!”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“O yes,” I retort, “I hear it, Mr. Angel;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But it is not Perfect Silence.”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“No, not Perfect Silence—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But it is silent enough to be noticed.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Almost Anything</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Sounds like Silence</div> - <div class="verse indent0">By comparison</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Of Hon. Roosevelt.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“Therefore sweet sleep,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Pull down blinds,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Blow out gas—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Good night!”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">So speak Angel when heliotrope of despair droop to lily-flower,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When moonlight is there</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And crane-bird stand with bill under its elbow.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Therefore, Mr. Editor, I leave it to you. -Silence is not best sweetest quality for energetic -kingdom like this. Please fix Hon. Roosevelt to -stay on chair for remainder of generation. For<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_70"></a>[70]</span> -if he is removed panick of loneliness will assassinate -Japanese Boy.</p> - -<p>Hoping you will fix it by me,</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<p>S. P.—I have obtained legitimate job of table-waiting -at Fujiyama Restaurant where my mail -will get to. H. Sunigawa, Prop., is one very -patriotic gentleman who works as Japanese Spy -when not employed.</p> - -<p class="right">H. T.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_71"></a>[71]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="IX">IX<br> -<span class="smaller">HON. MODESTY: IS IT A DISEASE?</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, March 14th.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To Editor New York Newspaper who is considerable -careless about answer to letters of poor -Japanese Schoolboy, excuse him for more of.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>—Sometime when Hon. Rudyard -Kipling write, he begin each paragraf with nice -piece of poem. Therefore I must do it like him. -Excuse following:</p> - -<h3><i>THE SONG OF OUCH</i></h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">In Tunk by the Tower of Tom</div> - <div class="verse indent2">In the Land of the Living Joke</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Lived a race of Sadds who were modest lads</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And blushed when their names was spoke</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">They shrieked at the thought of Fame</div> - <div class="verse indent4">And shaked like the infant pine,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">While they turned all white when they seen the sight</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Of an Advertising Sign.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent2">So they lived in the fear of Boast</div> - <div class="verse indent4">In the Age that Has Went Behind:</div> - <div class="verse indent2">But if any of They still remain to-day</div> - <div class="verse indent4">They is certainly Hard to find!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_72"></a>[72]</span></p> -<p>Hon. Mrs. Lusy Macdonald to whom I am now -a greenhouse employed by her geraniums at 10c -each to relieve them of what bugs they got is very -nice-hearted. Her husband is a dead gentleman -who took decease by asthma in joints. So she -approached to me yesterday with customary tear-drop -& 1 pair pants to say:</p> - -<p>“These property of past Macdonald I am give -to you because they wake bitter memories & are -wore out around knees.” Slight sobs from her.</p> - -<p>I observe them hon. pants which is very tall -garments of dissipated appearance.</p> - -<p>“O thank you so many, Hon. Mrs. Madam!” -I report with salvo. “I shall took them home -& rehearse wearing them.” I back off for respect -and get away with them hon. pants.</p> - -<p>At Patriots of Japan Boarding & Lodging, where -I hope to move from before payment is necessary, -I lock myself away with them garment, and try -to make it fit. So sorry can’t do! When I clasp -it with dignified safety-pin at waist each leg is too -far beyond my foots—it give me reverent appearance -of kneeling. I try to deceive them pants to -look briefer by rolling them upwards. Also I -coax them at stummick by fastening belt around -shoulders. By this way I am entirely inside of -that tailorship which is too plenty.</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp48" id="illus07" style="max-width: 28.125em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus07.jpg" alt=""> - <p class="caption">“‘Would they fit me perhaps?’ I ask for vanity”</p> -</div> - -<p>Then suddenly Cousin Nogi make in-come to my<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_73"></a>[73]</span> -room, because he is a relative and can do so without -knocking. He look quite gast at me.</p> - -<p>“You are clothed entirely,” he signify with -smart expression.</p> - -<p>“Would they fit me perhaps?” I ask for vanity.</p> - -<p>“Maybe so they might,” dictate Nogi, “but -they are too loose around neck.”</p> - -<p>“What to do with such gifts from lady?” I -inquire for reply.</p> - -<p>“To wear it next to heart,” contuse Nogi with -smiling. “If you wear it on publick streetfare -crowd will collect to indicate that you are one very -famous Japanese. Persons will proclaim: ‘There -go them Hon. Pants!’ Maybe you will be escort -by police wherever went. It is so easy to become -famous.”</p> - -<p>“No can do, please!” I prefer.</p> - -<p>“No to?” stagger Nogi for disappoint.</p> - -<p>“Ah, no!” I relapse. “I should not desire to -become famous for pants. Hon. Modesty is a -Japanese characteristick.”</p> - -<p>“Hon. Modesty is a disease,” corrode that Nogi -with scornful snip; so he tell following myth of -antique Japan which is a very favourite stories of -Grandmothers to illustrate the Hon. Modesty.</p> - -<p class="tb">In some way-back period of <span class="allsmcap">B. C.</span> there reside at -Kioto one Emperor by name of Motomatsu<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_74"></a>[74]</span> -who was awful modest about it. When spoke of -as Famous he became a very ill person. He was -shy about publick banzai. When he depart out -from Hon. Palace for auto-ride all loyal subjecks -was lined up by pave to decry: “Banzai! Banzai! -Such nice Emperor Motomatsu!” They -then kneel upon their faces to signify it. But -Hon. Motomatsu enjoy angry rage for such publick -demonstrictions and decry: “So conspickerous!” -while he kick loyal subjecks on skull. Because -he was shy.</p> - -<p>Pretty soonly he make sneek out of Palace by -back door to avoid them noyful mob of shoutings. -But one Grocery Boy seen him and observe to -inquire: “Why do Kings go out by back doors -when should not?” “Hush it!” say Motomatsu. -“I am doing it so as not to be too famous.” So -when he make pass-on them Grocery Boy go to all -populus of Japan and decry: “Hon. Emperor is -departing by back door!” Then 1,000,000 of -them loyal subjecks assemblance to trademan -entrance of Palace & peek to see—and sure of! -Hon. Emperor again is saw making sneek-in to -Palace. “Permit us to hail!” say peasantry, but -Hon. Emperor relapse with peev: “Go hail somewheres -else!” And he throw brick-bat to them.</p> - -<p>So them Hon. Emperor get worse modest all -time. Pretty soonly he borrow rag-clothing from<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_75"></a>[75]</span> -beggerly man and wander forth in them disguise. -But Hon. Populus, when they seen him, decry: -“O look-see what has arrive! Our dear Emperor -are ragged out to be a beggerly man! Is he not -conspickerous in such a clothing? Ah, yes!” -And they surround him with a program of dances, -including exhibitions of jiu jitsu, resolutions of -respeck, geisha waltz, speek, fireworks & baloon-races. -Pretty soonly Carnegie Commission -approach with brass medal of reward. “For -what?” say Hon. Emperor. “For extreme shyness -in action,” say Hon. Commission. By this -Hon. Motomatsu is very disgust, so he cut off -them Commission at neck, then he chop 1,000 -loyal subjecks with ax and go back Palace.</p> - -<p>But when them loyal subjecks pick up their -heads what was chopped they say: “Sure is! -Mr. Emperor must be modest about publick -appearance. Quite well! Then we will cease -hailing him, if he is so disagree.”</p> - -<p>Next day when Hon. Emperor go off for walk, -what! Such vacancy of street! He is queer to -feel. He go back Palace with lonesome smile. -“Maybe I am dress too silently to be seen,” he-say. -So he put on uniform of Field Marshall & walk -outside again. Nothing to do. Even little sparrow-birds -is absent with banzais. “O mania! -Have I quit being famous?” subtract that Motomatsu,<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_76"></a>[76]</span> -losing some flesh for griefs. So by soon-time -he make début to street in drum-major -uniform recruited by very large brass band. But -Hon. Publick is home reminding their own business. -This are too much worry for Hon. Emperor -who go bed & is attended by appendicitis. Pretty -soonly he enjoy death and got a tomb near Kioto. -In front of it are following inscription:</p> - -<p class="center">“Motomatsu have got his bones here.<br> -He were a Good Advertiser;<br> -But he Worked it too Hard.”</p> - -<p>Mr. Editor, Hon. Modesty were a disease very -common among Great Mens in antique Japan. -In these here day modern insanitary methods of -brushing off microbes have got rid of such shy -germs pretty good. Yet Great Mens is still in -some tiny danger of being bit by it. At White -Palace of Washington Dr. Rickey must be in constant -attendance with microscope to watch for it. -Each President Message must be very careful -fumigated—and on some days this are pretty -much of a job, thank you.</p> - -<p>By each morning-time Hon. President must -have corner of eye-glasses, mustache & tooths -examined for fearful that some Wyoming constituent -might maybe brought in bashful germs that -will get into Hon. Policies & spoil everything.</p> - -<p>This Surgeon-Gen. Rickey must be a very<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_77"></a>[77]</span> -worried person. Suppose he go cod-fishing some -Sunday off & become carelus about them hon. -microbes? Ah, fatal! Next morning he go to -White Cabinet & discover Hon. President enjoying -high temperature of terrible blushes.</p> - -<p>“Sec. Loeb,” he are saying, “please turn to -Nineteenth Interstate Proclamation, page 1102B, -and attack it with blue pencil.”</p> - -<p>“Quite good, Mr. Sire,” say them Hon. Loeb. -“What to do with them words?”</p> - -<p>“Scratch out all pronouns spelled with an ‘I’ -and supply ‘American People’ for it,” say Hon. -President.</p> - -<p>“Will do,” say Hon. Sec. with nervous glance.</p> - -<p>“Next substitute considerable changes. Change -‘My Policies’ to ‘Mr. Bryan’s Policies,’ change -‘My Navy’ to ‘Admiral Brownson’s Navy,’ -change——”</p> - -<p>Dr. Rickey stand at corner of room with horrors -springing at knees. “It are my carelus fault—some -scarce disease have got in through window!” -he whisper to guilty self.</p> - -<p>“Next turn attention to library of books,” say -that Presidential Invalid. “Change ‘My Works’ -to ‘Works of Divine Providence.’ Every time -‘Grizzly Bear’ are mention change it to ‘Grey -Squirrel,’ change ‘Must Not’ to ‘Please Don’t,’ -change——”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_78"></a>[78]</span></p> - -<p>“Stop it, Mr. Sire!” say them Physician with -alarms; “if you continue it thus you will have -‘Malefactors’ changed to ‘Benefactors’!”</p> - -<p>So White House Hospital Corps are ringed for -and Hon. President took by forceful quarantine to -Federal Hospital where one porous plaster are -put on his Ego to draw it out. While enjoying -relapse there he occupy cot formerly layed in by -Hons. Albert Beverage, Ben Tillman & other Egos -enjoying the same shy germ.</p> - -<p class="tb">What would become of Hon. Literature, Mr. -Editor, if them Literaries was nibbled by Hon. -Modesty? What would become of Publishing -Business if Hon. Mrs. Eleanor McGlynty, after -wroting one book of title, “Three Months,” -should spend that period of time blushing over -what ensue in it? What would happen to Hon. -Jack of London or Hon. Thomas of Boston if they -forgot to tell Hon. World how remarkably much -they are? Would Hon. World remember their -praises if <i>they</i> didn’t? I ask to know.</p> - -<p>What would ensue if Hon. Bernard Shaw should -took the habit of shrinkage? Might he know how -to stop before he had entirely shrunk away until -he was very little more than size of Homer, Shakespeare -& any other insignificate super-gentleman? -I require no answer.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_79"></a>[79]</span></p> - -<p>Mr. Editor, if I had died in old-fashion generation -of water-power reputation I would have -got on my tombstone:</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 15em;"> - -<p class="noindent">Here Lies Togo,<br> -He was a good man.</p> - -</div> - -<p>But as I live in age of gas-power greatness, I -must have on my door-plate:</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 15em;"> - -<p class="noindent">Here Lives Togo.<br> -<span style="margin-left: 2em;">He is a great man.</span><br> -If you don’t believe it,<br> -Step in and he will<br> -<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Tell you so.</span></p> - -</div> - -<p>With love to your printer,</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_80"></a>[80]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="X">X<br> -<span class="smaller">SPRING</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, April 1st.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To Editor of New York newspaper which rains -supreme for intelligence of editorial tipewriting.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span> O! Spring have came!</p> - -<p>Where did it arrive from? is question for Japanese -Boy.</p> - -<p>Do it arrive from Palm Beach of sunny climb, -song-sing of nightinglory-bird, hypnotism of -tropick mooners where poets is whacking musical -liars in the middle of such nice weather? Do it -arrive from ore the sea blew along by Rory Bory -Alice & other mythology ladies of awfully gauze -dressing which travel by zephyr to drop don’t-forget-me -bud & other garden seeds on top of happy -farmer? Ah no! it do not.</p> - -<p>Where <i>do</i> this Spring arrive from then, if not?</p> - -<p>By newspaper print I read how it arrive from -Paris, thank you!</p> - -<p>Flower of Spring do not come to America by -them poetical way I said. They are first noticed -in New York by Hon. Custom Inspector who give -American eye-wink when he see such many<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_81"></a>[81]</span> -trunks of French extraction. He notice they are -label “Handle by Care,” so he open them carefully -with an axe. From each divided trunk come -explosion of rare beaty. Violet-colour roses, -rose-colour violets, blue-colour carnations, off-colour -daisies, lilies-of-valley in red, white, & -blue and sunflowers of 27 delicious varieties of -sunset. That sad interior of Custom House, so -oftenly accustomed to shady gloom of dark & -dingley Tariff, grow suddenly to joyful fire-alarm -by them race-riot of colour. All employees of -them Custom House forget murdering thought of -their cruel hearts and is instantly gentle by sight of -such bouquets. They forget to do their duty on -sliding scale. Their eyes is overdone for tear -drop with sweetheart thought of childhood. -Numberous sighs is enjoyed while looking to them -flowers, all hats is removed and for one noment of -time that Custom House forget to think of Eternal -Revenue on cigars, the patness of Jo-uncle Cannon -and welcome to America by the Uncivil Service. -Such is influence of Nature on savage persons.</p> - -<p>Then come Easter and I am not responsible for -what happen. Hon. Solomon, who was legally -accustomed to 100 wifes, was very suspicious about -Spring when it come along from Paris, so he say -with voice for all future layers of Husbands, “Consider -the lilies how they cost!” When one Christian<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_82"></a>[82]</span> -lady begin to consider the lilies in shop window -it is important for Christian Husband to consider -something else with absent-minded expression.</p> - -<p class="tb">In Spring young American mind naturally turn -to sport of baseballing. Japanese Boy have found -out how-do to get there to place where them -National Sport is done. Walk some distance to -suburbs of trolley when, all of a suddenly, you -will notice a sound. It is a very congregational -lynch-law sound of numberous voices doing it all -at once. Silence punctuates this. Then more of.</p> - -<p>“Why all this yall about, unless of mania?” -I require to know from Hon. Police.</p> - -<p>“San Francisco is in it and Oakland is outside of -it,” say Hon. Police with moustache. “San -Francisco have made bat-hit and three gentlemans -have arrive home.”</p> - -<p>“So happy to welcome travellers!” I decry. -“Have them gentlemans been long absent for such -publick banzai?”</p> - -<p>“All over bean-farm,” say Hon. Police. “They -was all on bags,” he say, “and two mans had died -on first basso——”</p> - -<p>“I shall enjoy mourning for them heroes,” I -retort.</p> - -<p>“—then Hon. Murphy acquire one base by -high finance.”</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" id="illus08" style="max-width: 43.75em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus08.jpg" alt=""> - <p class="caption">“‘Why all this yall about, unless of mania?’ I require -to know from Hon. Police”</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_83"></a>[83]</span></p> - -<p>“How-so he possess this base?” is next question -for me.</p> - -<p>“He steal it,” say Hon. Police with cigar.</p> - -<p>I admire talents of that Hon. Murphy who can -steal things while all publick make shout of -applaud. With practice he would become very -delicious Senator.</p> - -<p>More loud yall of shouts is heard. I am an -enthusiasm. What fierce harakiri of patriotism -was going on to make them Americans so loud? -Such sound of hates! Port Arthur was took with -less noise than that. Therefore I must see about it.</p> - -<p>I go to fence where ticket-hole demand 50c of -price to see it.</p> - -<p>“Why must Japanese Boy pay such price?” -I renig.</p> - -<p>“Because-so,” say Ticketer, “Baseballing is -National Sport. Therefore each patriot must pay -them 50c for Campaign Fund to Hon. Cortelyou.”</p> - -<p>I admit myself to gate.</p> - -<p>In seats around gallery all-American persons is -settled in state of very hoarse condition. Downstairs -on ground is 10 to 11 Baseballers engaged in -doing so. I am scientifick about this Game which -is finished by following rules:</p> - -<p>One strong-arm gentleman called a Pitch is -hired to throw. Another gentleman called a -Stop is responsible for whatever that Hon. Pitch<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_84"></a>[84]</span> -throw to him, so he protect himself from wounding -by sofa-pillows which he wear on hands. -Another gentleman called a Striker stand in front -to that Stop and hold up club to fright off that -Hon. Pitch from angry rage of throwing things. -But it is useless. Hon. Pitch in hand hold one -baseball of an unripe condition of hardness. -He raise that arm lofty—then twist—O sudden! -He shoot them bullet-ball straight to breast of Hon. Stop. -Hon. Striker swing club for vain effort. -It is a miss & them deathly ball shoot Hon. Stop in -gloves. “Struck once!” decry Hon. Umperor, -a person which is there to gossip about it in loud -voice.</p> - -<p>“Why do Hon. Umperor demand Hon. Striker -to struck when he have already did so?” I -demand to know from one large German intelligence -what set next by me.</p> - -<p>“He is fanning himself outside,” make that -courteous foreigner for reply, so I prefer to -understand.</p> - -<p>Once more-time that Hon. Pitch prepare to -enjoy some deathly agony. He hold that ball -outside of twisted forearm, turn ½ beside himself, -throw elbows away, give whirling salute of head, -caress ankle with calf of leg, then up-air—quickly -shoot! Ball journey to Hon. Stop with whizz, -but before arriving there Hon. Striker see it with<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_85"></a>[85]</span> -club. There is considerable knock-sound as -club collide to ball which stops continuing in that -direction and bounds uply to air. Great excitement -for all America! All spectacles in grand-stand -decry, “O make sliding, Hon. Sir!” and -many voices is seriously spoiled as Hon. Striker -run with rapid heels from each base to next & -all other Baseballers present endeavour to pull -down that ball which is still in very high sky. -But soonly that ball return down and is bounded -into hands of second basso sportsman who shoot -it to Hon. Stop just as Hon. Striker is sliding -to fourth base by the seat of his stummick.</p> - -<p>“Out!” decry Hon. Umperor, so Hon. Striker -go set himself on back bench, which is deserving -place for all heroes.</p> - -<p>So many Strikers is brought up to do them -clubbing acts during game that it become a -monotony to Japanese Boy in a very soon time. -But not-so it was to Americans who was fuller -of Indiana yalls. Occasionally that large -German intelligence what set next to me would -say with voice, “Kill that Umperor!”</p> - -<p>“Why should Hon. Umperor be executed?” -I require for answer.</p> - -<p>“I am not sure why-is,” extort that German. -“But it is courteous to demand his death -occasionally.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_86"></a>[86]</span></p> - -<p>“Is this Umperor such a sinful citizen?” I -make note; but that Hon. German did not -response because he was drownding his voice -from one bottle of pop-soda for value of 5c.</p> - -<p>I wait for very large hour to see death of this -Hon. Umperor, but it did not occur as I seen. -Too bad! I had very good seat to see from.</p> - -<p>Baseballing is healthy game for Americans. -It permits them to enjoy sunstroke in middle of -patriotick sounds, it teach them a entirely -courageous vocabulary and put 10,000,000,000,000 -peanuts in circulation by each annual year. Japan -must learn to do it. If all Japanese wishing to -become heroes should go set in bleachers each -afternoon-time it might change them from Yellow -Peril to yelling section in short generation.</p> - -<p>But warfare is a more agreeable way.</p> - -<p>Spring was discovered by Japanese several -years before zero. Antique Japanese noblemans, -when they seen sweet Irish-flowers blooming and -acting fresh was suspicious that maybe it was -sign of Spring, but they did not say-so nothing -about it, because laws was very just in them date. -Hon. Bashu, celebrated for Japanese poetry, say:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“O Spring, Spring,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Thou art such gentle thing!”</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Hon. Japanese Emperor read this songsing -and call Hon. Bashu to court-house and give him<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_87"></a>[87]</span> -one chop-off by axe. “You are too original for -to live,” he say by remark.</p> - -<p>Hon. Onion Jo, Japanese ranch-boy of Contra -Costa County, recently enjoy one railway accident. -His 2 feetprints has been missing since then. So -you will please forgive following Japanese sonnet -he send me because he is a very weak patience in -hospital:</p> - -<h3><i>CONVERSATION TALKED BY ONION JO WITH -ONE FOOLISH-BIRD ON SPRINGTIME TWIGS</i></h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Told me in song-sing, tree-bird of April Foolish,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Why do America Fleet</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Travel so low-down in water-tight Ocean?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Why-so</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Is all symptoms of armour-belt missing</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And why such cargo of weight?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Twit! Twit!”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Response them animal in voice of Commander Sims,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Them Pacific Fleet travel deep-down</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For very good reason.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Admiral Reuterdahl is in command of it.”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">After which remark them tree-bird make humoristick signals.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Told me in music, tree-bird of green ideas,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Why do Hon. Forker of Ohio</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Feel so just about Negro-race?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Are he Senator from Brownsville</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That he is dutifully obliged</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To make them hurt sounds</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When chocolate citizenship is insult?”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Tut! Tut!”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Abjurgate them thoughtless Fowl,</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_88"></a>[88]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">“Hon. Forker have very scholarly brain-thoughts;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He remind himself of poetry by Mother Geese,</div> - <div class="verse indent6">‘Bah, bah, Black Vote,</div> - <div class="verse indent6">Have you any pull?’</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Hon. Forker is such Dark Horse now</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That he enjoy complete eclipse, thank you.”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And them peculiar Chicken make knocking noise with bill.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Told me in harmony, raving Tom-sparrow,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Why did all patriotic persons</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Make such elaborate hand-clasp</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With red automobile</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And other National emblems</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When Hon. Eugene Schmitz</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Broke jail?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">What did he done in jail</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To give him such cleanly reputation</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In them few months?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Cluck! Cluck!”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Modulate them demented species of Duck,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“It is surprisingly useless to deposit Hon. Grafters in jail.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Because for reason:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">If a person is a great enough Grafter</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To go jail,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then he must be great enough Grafter</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To get out.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">San Francisco is excited about Local Talent.”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Thus saying it, them April Foolish Bird</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Make a noise like Emma Goldman</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And flatter away</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In direction of Boise City, Idaho.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Hoping you are sufficiently discouraged,</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_89"></a>[89]</span></p> - -<p>S. P.—From daily print I see it how one tame -sculptor of Utah have cut out one famous statue -called “Monument to Gulls.” This to be stood -up in Salt Lake City. Would not such a monument -look more sentimental in Wall Street? I -require no answer.</p> - -<p class="right">H. T.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_90"></a>[90]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XI">XI<br> -<span class="smaller">EDUCATION IN AMERICAN LANGUAGE</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, April 10th.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To Fashionable Creator of Newspaper Talk.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dear Mr.</span>—When first time your printer -put-in my letter I am so happy I feel very discouraged -to write more. “Banzai! I shall make -literary career of myself!” This shout from -me. Literary writing must be good job for all -Americans not fit for honest work. I am understood -to be told that Hon. Jack London receive -for price from 15c to 20c for each word he make. -This is so very easy way it appear deceptive. -How should I prosper in such a Graft! At 20c -for each word how happy for Japanese Boy! -By early morning I should go to fashionable -American restaurant and require of Waiter, -“Hon. Sir., deliver to me 1 plate ham & 2 eggs, -please!” This would be the number of 12 words -@ 20c per word—therefore bringing me the -price $2.40! Breakfast might cost 75c, Waiter -might require 25c to tip himself, yet Waiter must -still owe Japanese Boy $1.40, which is balance of -$2.40 for them 12 words I said.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_91"></a>[91]</span></p> - -<p>Immediately I became great Author in my brain-thoughts. -I make running stampede to publick -Library and read “12th Night,” by Shakespeare of -England and “Friday the 13th” by Lawson of -Boston, so as to learn both ends of the American -language. I learn considerable extinct vocabulary -from both of these gentlemen, then I set down with -ink-stand to write 1 letter to you.</p> - -<p>It is not equal to human justice, Mr. Editor, -that you send me $4.34 in postage stamps as reply -payment to this. What to do with these stamps? -217 2c postages require considerable correspondence -to get away from. To waste these postages -I have wrote following correspondence:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>1. To New York Newspaper already 10 letters -which you know of.</p> - -<p>2. To Uncle Hashimura of Kobe, 6 letters of -painful truth.</p> - -<p>3. To Miss Alice Furioki, pleasant lady of -yellow extraction, 13 letters on sweetheart subjects.</p> - -<p>4. To Pres. Roosevelt, King Edward, F. -Augustus Heintz & Eugene Schmitz 48 total -letters.</p> - -</div> - -<p>These make all together 77 stamps used up. -Therefore I have got remaining in my pocket 140 -stamps, many of which is ruined by wear. In -next payment for my literary letters would you -be so regardless as to make reply in nickel-pieces?<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_92"></a>[92]</span> -These moneys is small, but very good for Japanese -education. Thanks so many!</p> - -<p>If I could get good job somewhere writing -novel-books I would learn this American language, -which is hard thing to do because so full of words. -American gentlemen I have speaked to employ -the 2 following kinds of conversation:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>1. Kind what is discovered in Dixionary book.</p> - -<p>2. Kind what is not there.</p> - -</div> - -<p>In Dixionary of Hon. Noah Webster there contain -26,000 language-words to talk. It took this -gentleman lifetime to do so. To speak American -language it is necessary to learn them 26,000 -natural words, which I have did, thank you. But -it is useless to try so hard because Elsewhere-words -is commonly used for conversation. Where -must Japanese Boy go to obtain such talk?</p> - -<p>My cousin Nogi explain this answer. He -say that Elsewhere-words of American mans -is called “Slank,” which means “talking-with-words-that-is-found-here-and-there.” -Dixionary talk is good for church sociables, high-schools, and -professors; Slank talk is good for riots, prize-fighting, -newspapers, colleges, and all kinds of -energy. Both are good ways to know.</p> - -<p>Frequently in walking about sidewalk I hear -gentlemans cry, “24 for you!” This is signal -for great laugh which all do. I can not tell when<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_93"></a>[93]</span> -to, so I do not. What then is so humoristic -about this number “24”? Would not number -12 or number 14 do equally fine for laughing -purposes? I require to know.</p> - -<p>Lemons, too, is comic fruit for Slank-talking -persons. Joking-gentlemans deliver these lemon -fruit to each other for holiday gift. It is insulting -not to laugh when this is done.</p> - -<p>To-day I speak to Hon. Mr. Strunsky, Irish -gentleman, about Hon. W. J. Bryan, late President -of these Uniteds State.</p> - -<p>“Where has he fell to?” I require for answer.</p> - -<p>“This Bryan man is dead one,” report Hon. -Strunsky.</p> - -<p>“So sorry—I shall wear mourning for this -good man,” I reject.</p> - -<p>“Tall timber is place for you,” resume this -Strunsky man with laughing eye.</p> - -<p>“So sorry not to do,” I say back, “because -forest is far distant from great city.”</p> - -<p>“Then pursue self around this block, Hon. -Togo,” he compel. I do so, thank you. But -while exercising I stop with abrupt brain-thought. -Them words of Mr. Strunsky was less Dixionary -talk than Slank talk! Tell me, Mr. Editor, how -should I translate them conversation of Strunsky -into Japanese?</p> - -<p>It is disadvantage of American language that<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_94"></a>[94]</span> -gentlemen cannot be insulting to each other -without some impoliteness. One gentleman meet -some other gentleman at saloon-corner. Making -step-up to each other one gentleman explain,</p> - -<p>“You are a pill!”</p> - -<p>Immediately following noises are enjoyed:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>1. Night cry.</p> - -<p>2. Broken property.</p> - -<p>3. Approach of ambulance.</p> - -<p>4. Silence.</p> - -</div> - -<p>In Japan, among top-classes, trouble is enjoyed -more peaceably. Suppose Count Noku desire -to have insult with Baron Obi. They shall meet -at lunch, thank you, to talk this. They first -disgust their appetites with tea, cigarettes, Japanese -ginger-snaps, conversation. Finally at last -Count Noku say to Baron Obi,</p> - -<p>“Esteemed & high-horse Samurai, would you -care to have insult for me?”</p> - -<p>“Magnificent Count,” say this Obi, “it is your -exalted privilege to insult me.”</p> - -<p>“Thank you for the benefit,” say this Noku, “I -will do so.” And so saying this he pull one hair -from head of that Obi.</p> - -<p>“Ouch, thank you, I am insult!” retort Baron -Obi. Following this there is quiet hara-kiri with -table-knife.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_95"></a>[95]</span></p> - -<p>At food-stand of Mr. Swartz I often lunch there -for economy. Best nourishment may be obtained -for 5c by ordering 3 sausages from Frankfurter -Germany with slice of toast.</p> - -<p>Yesterday I go as customary to this. As -customary I say, “Give me the same, those 3 -sausages from Frankfurter.”</p> - -<p>And Mr. Swartz, turning to cookeryman, cry -with voice:</p> - -<p>“Hot-dog!”</p> - -<p>Therefore I must not eat them food because it -is cannibalism. If Mr. Swartz is not speaking -Slank talk, then he should be sent to prison for -Pure Food Laws.</p> - -<p>You may see, Mr. Sir., how it is not safe to go -around in this U. S. without sufficient Slank -words. Japanese schoolboys might be poisoned -by eating something which is Slank for something -else. To example this danger, my cousin Nogi -say how Hon. Casey of Labouring Union is “a -lobster.” I am very fond to eat lobster, but I -should disgust to eat this Mr. Casey.</p> - -<p>I have been collecting them Elsewhere-words -all day and have congregated quite a cluster of -Slank talk which I shall put into Dixionary for -Japanese Schoolboys. I am very excited when -I think of this vocabulary. I have arranged -many of them raggle-time speeches into following<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_96"></a>[96]</span> -poetical thought which I was misfortune enough -to sent with 2c postage to Miss Alice Furioki, -lady I tell you I was engaged to marry with:</p> - -<h3><i>LOVING SENTIMENT EXPRESSED IN AMERICAN -LANGUAGE</i></h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">How do I stand in relation to you, O Peach?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Is Japanese Boy A. no. 1 or twenty-third in line for your misbehaving eyes?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Peek-a-boo, I am on the wink,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I am batty in thoughts,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Also insect-house, because my heart is mashed!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">It would JAR you to know!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Do not give me the refusal on neck,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Do not see me with glass-eye.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Or present frost-mitten with cod-fish expression,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">O exquisite one; O tootsy-woot,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">O Pansy.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Must I remain infinitely distant among waving of Tall Grass?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Or must I get more closer, more cozy-corner,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">More next?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Can not this Japanese be candy-boy for you,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Sure-thing, bet-your-life, O joy?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To be Johnny-on-dot for you,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To pay steady car-fare (when possible)</div> - <div class="verse indent0">This would be ticket for Girl Proposition.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Such a cheese!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">On the death, are you giving me some string,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Are you hot-airing me?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">How about waiting at church?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Will it be yet, if not soon?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I require for answer</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_97"></a>[97]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">As p. d. q. as possible, O Fluffy Ruffles—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Otherwise</div> - <div class="verse indent0">No wedding gong for Japanese Boy!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>These answer from that lovely Japanese come -back by gallop response:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>—Your poetry in Swedish language is here, -thank you to understand. I shall ask Hon. Mrs. Johannessenn -to translate this, if respectable. I am not awaiting some -reply for this. Yours thankfully,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Alice Furioki</span> (Miss).</p> - -</div> - -<p>Perhapsly, Mr. Editor, you had more better -postpone my wedding with her. Besides this she -has recently married my cousin Nogi, which is -very selfish act.</p> - -<p>In Japan there is a quaint rhythm-song which -is sang by all philosophers and gentlemen engaged -for marriage. It is like these in Japanese.</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Ichi-ho, pachi-ko,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Nagasaki run—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Sago-man, koko-man,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Bun, bun, bun!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>This words when translated to American say -like these: “Going around makes returning in -circles, but continuing that may keep up.” This -is very wise poem—but what does it mean? In -some way it are like American Slank talk.</p> - -<p>All well here except J. Furo, who is not.</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_98"></a>[98]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XII">XII<br> -<span class="smaller">THE VISIT OF THE FLEET TO SAN FRANCISCO</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, May 6th.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To Editor New York newspaper who I occasionally -trust & often admire for quotation from Hon. -Browning.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr.</span>—O!!! Patriotick banzai of hurrah!</p> - -<p>America Fleet of Roosevelt Excursionists have -arrive to S. F. Ferry Depot.</p> - -<p>I would of send this by wire-telegraf, but Hon. -Operator was inattentive about me when I have -no price sufficiently much to. He say: “Who-pay?” -I-say: “Hon. Editor.” “Hon. Editor -may-be-so will,” he demure and resume job of -tick-tick. Good-by for me.</p> - -<p>Morning of fleet-arrive was splandid. By -early hour of day all S. F. persons has clustered -therselves on tip of hills & suppression of -excitement was enjoyed. Considerable watching -occurred. Barking of dogs was strangled by collars, -infant babies which desired to weep was spanked -for prevention of. Silences. Depressed banners -was held in American hands to get ready wave it.</p> - -<p>Many persons in Sabbath clothings was there,<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_99"></a>[99]</span> -including 1,000 Japanese Spies which were very -nice behaviour. I was nationally proud of them.</p> - -<p>Of suddenly, Oh!!!</p> - -<p>Through crack of Goldy Gate, what-see? -Maglifisent sight of marine insurance! Floating -war-boats of dozens approaching directly straight -by line & shooting salutes at people. On come -them Imperial Navy of Hon. Roosevelt & Hon. -Hobson; what heart could quit beating at it? -Such white paint—like bath-tub enamel, only -more respectful in appearance.</p> - -<p>All shout, all maddy banzai, including me & -Cousin Nogi which was wishing that Hon. Togo -could been there to shoot in opposite direction. -Would it not been a impressive pair of naval -spectacles? I ask to know.</p> - -<p>From collected ½ million of persons on hills of -S. F. one mad yall of star-spangly joy. Fire-crack -salute, siren whistle, honk-horn, megaphone, -extra edition, tenor solo—all connected together -to give impressions of loyal panderonium. What -say Lord Macawber, English history-poet, in -“Lies of Ancient Rome”?</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“And even the ranks of Tuskagee</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Could scarce forbear a cheer.”</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>(I wish I could sent this wire-telegram for speed. -Please excuse sneer from Hon. Operator.)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_100"></a>[100]</span></p> - -<p>I haven’t yet saw them gallant Adm. Robert D. -Evans, but I take delicious look at Hon. Battle-boat -<i>Conn.</i> by 2 opera glasses (kindness loan of -Cousin Nogi) & there I see one commanding figure -stooding on ¼ deck where shoot & shell might go -muckraking four & aft, if such a rude target-practice -was going on. Was man I seen them -famous sea-doggy what have drove that fleet from -N.Y. to S.F. while enjoying twitches of pain what -would make considerable Heroes want to quit? -If that man I seen was Hon. Evans, Japanese -Samurai wants to remove cap to him. He are not -a Hero—he are a Marter, which is a Hero tied -to a post.</p> - -<p>(When Hon. Operator seen my telegraf he-say: -“What language is them wrote in?” I am -confused.)</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" id="illus09" style="max-width: 43.75em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus09.jpg" alt=""> - <p class="caption">“When Hon. Operator see my telegraf he-say ‘What -language is them wrote in?’”</p> -</div> - -<p>For space of several next days this Hon. City -are overcame by considerable Program. Something -go on each elsewhere including new-build -section & also places where remainders of Hon. -Earthquack are still enjoyed. Following was did -from what little I was aware:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p><i>Wed.</i>—Toot-whistle, anchor-fleet, boom-salute—hurrah! -Hon. Mr. Mayor Taylor & -High Governor Gilette go-see Flagship <i>Conn.</i> -“How-do, Adm. Evans!” Fleet shake-hands<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_101"></a>[101]</span> -with yackts, tug-boats, ferry-boats & all official -vehicles. Hon. Evans come shore. Salutes. -Honk-auto to Hotel Fairmont where Adm. Evans -meet Mrs. Evans. More salutes. All Hon. -Officers come march-in with un-officered excitement. -Quiet bouquets. By evening Hon. Sec. -Metcalf enjoy grand waltz-time Hotel Fairmont. -I am not familiar with when this was expected to -burst up.</p> - -<p><i>Thur.</i>—Awful important parade along line -of march including National Guard and other -private carriages. American standing army was -included in this together with such Generals as -was there. All blue-jackets, marines & officers -march in this; but Hon. Battleboats did not -come ashore, because they could not do. Market -Street all bunted with red, white & blue & 4th -of July enjoyed by all. Fatigue of march was -added to by speeches. By evening some more -waltz-time for Hon. Officers. Hon. Sailors must -not be careless about steam-beer. All burst up -by early clock.</p> - -<p><i>Fri.</i>—All go visit Hon. America Fleet. Great -relays of persons in boat-loads because everybody -was anxious. Visitors including of College Presidents, -Labouring Unions, Society, Persons &<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_102"></a>[102]</span> -many more. Special reception was gave to 1,000 -Japanese Spies which came with kodaks.</p> - -<p><i>Sat.</i>—This day has not arrived yet; but we -expect it.</p> - -</div> - -<p>Mr. Editor, I am anxious to where them Hon. -Fleet will next go by departure. Will Japan be -visited firstly & then some Christian country, -or will it be <i>visa-vis</i>? I ask to know, because way -them Fleet act are highly probable to Japanese -Schoolboy.</p> - -<p>Will you please wrote letter to Hon. Metcalf -inflaming him about not having them Hon. Fleet -go visit China? After U. S. Navy have saw Japan -she will not care go China, I say it because. Japan -are a deliciously arranged country with hot & -cold water in all rivers and streams. Japan are -picturesque with addition of all modern improvement. -America tourist can go top of anteek temple -Nara, by all-night elevator service. 2c tip for -this. Geisha-girl do quaint dance to Edison -phonograph musick. Jinrikisha run by gasolene -motor make very speed time. Japan are a very -antiseptick island full of Art. America fleeters -will enjoy this & buy souvenirs for minus price. -Pleasant farewell, Hon. America, & no fights with -Togo.</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" id="illus10" style="max-width: 43.75em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus10.jpg" alt=""> - <p class="caption">“‘But China!! Such eye-pain of nations.’”</p> -</div> - -<p>But China!! Such eye-pain of Nations where<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_103"></a>[103]</span> -virtues is considerably extolled upon hon. tablets of -ansisters, but them hon. relicks is seldom washed, -so that they can’t not be read. That is one kingdom -where enlightenment is unacquainted, where -derby hats is unknown, where book-keeping & -stenography is not even worshipped for its good -qualities! Entire towns & counties of them -ignorant kingdom is gave over to pipe-hitting -ceremony of opium sniff, which is a insiderous -poison that give sweet imagination which is followed -by entire unfitness for feetball, predatory -wealth and anything else what is useful & -American. I give you my entire insurance, Mr. -Editor, China are a race of pig-tail mollycuddles. -Why should civilized kingdom wish to retain open -door with China? It would be more delicate to -close such a door & keep off pungus odour of -opium-smoke & heathen punk-stick.</p> - -<p>There is two kind of Heathens, Mr. Editor. -One kind worship gods what is placed on tiled -pedistals of Portland Cement & treated with -hydrogen peroxide to remove affectionate germs. -Other kind of Heathens adore idles made of wood, -which it are a sacrilage to scrub, because it would -remove sacred associations including typhoid, -tuberculosis & social unrest.</p> - -<p>Please to no let Hon. Fleet visit China. All -Japanese are sorry because Hon. China are so<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_104"></a>[104]</span> -wicked. Some day that dear Japan will annex -China for personal property, then America fleet -can visit & see how clean & smooth Heathens can -be when treated by Japan.</p> - -<p>Hon. Wu, Chinese minister of sinful profile, -oftenly make comick speeches before American -Y.M.C.A. He tell what a human person Chinese -can be, he relate about “awakening of China” & -is a pretty good Irishman for repartee. Maybe -China are awake, but she have missed her train.</p> - -<p>Please don’t listen to Mr. Wu, Hon. Sir! Listen -to Baron Takahira who never says nothing, and -therefore is a very good embassy. Baron Takahira -are a Diplomatick Stroke, while that Hon. -Wu are nothing but a Yellow Peril.</p> - -<p>Little Annie Anazuma, 8-year-age daughter of -I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, are now nine years -of oldness. Because of her extreme youngness she -must be led to high-tip of Russia Hill to see improach -of America Fleet, because she are interested -in naval affairs.</p> - -<p>While I hold her to shoulder for see better them -cast-iron delegation swim by on wave she declare:</p> - -<p>“Why are such demonstration of monstrous -floaters here now, Uncle Togo?”</p> - -<p>“To have wholesome effect on certain Oriental -Power,” I collapse with very Tafty expression of -publick knowledge.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_105"></a>[105]</span></p> - -<p>“What effect will such floating have on certain -Oriental Power?” require little Annie.</p> - -<p>“Them Oriental Power will build ten new -<i>Dreadnoughts</i> instead of six,” I relegate.</p> - -<p>“So joyful!” tabulate little Annie. “Then such -Oriental Power will be head of all!”</p> - -<p>“Delay to rejoice,” I subtract. “When Hon. -England see this he will built twelve new fight-ships -of <i>Lusitania</i> class, Germany will construct -fourteen new shoot-boats of <i>Fatherland</i> type, -America will consult Senator Burton & think -of appropriating something some time for a -gunboat.”</p> - -<p>“Great war will ensue when them Navies is -did!” narrate little Annie.</p> - -<p>“Stop suddenly!” I dib. “When all them -Dreadnought navies is completed they will discovery -that they are five years out of style and will -be useful as ferryboats.”</p> - -<p>“That will be comfortable for peaceful pic-nicks,” -derange that little Annie which have close, -childish brain.</p> - -<p>“What say Hon. And. Carnegie about battle-ships? -He-say: ‘More elaborate you built -navies, more peaceful Hon. World will get. -Large steel ship are good thing for business of -Hague,’ he-say.”</p> - -<p>“Large steel ship are good thing for business of<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_106"></a>[106]</span> -Hon. Carnegie,” corrode little Anne Anazuma, -who is an advanced kindergarten.</p> - -<p>Hoping I will be present to get it when your Hon. -Office Lad are fired off, I am</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_107"></a>[107]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XIII">XIII<br> -<span class="smaller">FLIGHTY NAVIGATION OF AIR</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, June 2d.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To Editor New York Newspaper which sores -alof like eagly-bird which have a noble habit -of being flighty.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dearest Sir</span>—I am given to be understood -by newspaper information that Right Bros, -famous airnots, has solved problemb of air -navigation again by very delicious wreckage. -Them Right Bros fly-tests is always shot off with -entire secrecy, so that Japanese navy won’t be -there to represent itself. This time them sky-boat -manoever were witnessed by less than 2,000 -persons, mostly reporters, inventors & foreign -powers, who seen very nicely from bushes 25 -miles away where they was hid out of range of -Hon. Right’s shoot-gun.</p> - -<p>New airship of Right Bros is called Mud Hen -II., because them crafts should all be named after -some bird what they act like. Hon. Bell’s air-boat -are called “White Wings” because they -never grow weary of trying to. That Mud Hen -II. are a 6-cylinder, runabout type of airoplane<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_108"></a>[108]</span> -built on model of 3 pancakes and worked with -strings which Hon. Right have attached to -thumbs & toes. To start them ship Hon. Right -lays himself on stummick and runs the engine -with his teeth. When he wish to go up he raise -elbows & depresses toes. When he wish to -come down he stand on his head.</p> - -<p>On this trip Right Bros start navigating from -Killed Devil Hill, which is in Southern states. -After considerable scientifick prepare them ship -were seen to make following emotion:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>1—It went up.</p> - -<p>2—It came down.</p> - -</div> - -<p>After successful flight Orville Right were -found comfortably setting on his airship in middle -of Elkins swamp. Except for 2 wings fraxured, -engine twisted off, propeller gone & framework -on fire, them machinery landed without a mishap. -Hon. Right were congratulating himself by -shaking his broken hand.</p> - -<p>Hon. Reporter from McClunsey’s Magazine -came up to say: “I represent it.”</p> - -<p>Silence from Hon. Right.</p> - -<p>“What natural views do you possess of mind -about future development of airoplanes for carrying -persons for traffick?” require Hon. Muckrake.</p> - -<p>“I refuse to answer,” response Hon. Right -with E. H. Harriman signals.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_109"></a>[109]</span></p> - -<p>“Oh so hurrah!” collapse them Hon. Reporter. -“I got scoop news for McClunsey’s Magazine. -<span class="smcap">Hon. Right have spoke for first time!!</span>”</p> - -<p class="tb">Mr. Editor, I am morely assured that aireal -navigation will be very cheap sport for poor mans. -Hickory wood are cheap, canvas are cheap, nails -are cheap & life are cheap. All them is -necessary for one good airship. You can borrow -1 gas-engine from another automobile. Next -choose some bird what look safe & intelligent & -built your fly-machine to resemble it. If you -admire for pidgeons, then built one pidgeon-toe -air-plane. If you think hawks is most pleasant -fliers, all well; then make a hawkish air-boat. -Nail all them airship together with considerable -canvas & light hickory corners, fasten on them -gas-engine what you have borrowed, carry such -machinery to vacant plains & teach it to fly like -the bird what you admire most much.</p> - -<p>All airships can fly, but some of them is very -hard to teach.</p> - -<p>Last yesterday I was tooking a feet-walk by -lonesome hill of Berkeley. Among daisy-cup -grassy of steep slope I seen some machinery in -attitude of mechanical expectation. It were a -very cross-looking machinery like a bisickel -whose mother was a sail-boat. Several Hon.<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_110"></a>[110]</span> -Professors was standing around to encourage -Hon. Airnot with statistick about dying for -science. Hon. Airnot speak of relatives in Kansas -City and regret sinful youth with considerable -paleness.</p> - -<p>“What you so trembly for?” eject Professor -with Ben Tillman expression. “Are it possibly -that you are afraid to go up?”</p> - -<p>“O earnestly no!” collapse them Airnot, -“I are entirely fearless about going up but it are -thoughts of going down what give me them quaker -feeling at elbow.”</p> - -<p>More excitable preparation then. One Professor -arrive with tex-book entitle, “How Do It -to Fly”; yet some other bring telescope for see -him long off. One medical Doctor was also -present with muck-rakes, etc., so as to scrape -them Airnot off trees in case of. Nervous tense -enjoyed by all.</p> - -<p>So Hon. Airnot say farewell speek to persons -present, including Hon. Wife who was in Chicago. -He also mention several technical terms with -considerable emotion & all Scientists present -weep with eyes. Next he place self carefully to -seat with assistants of one Irish man what was -there merely to labour. Silence for pulses.</p> - -<p>“Are you ready?” inquire Hon. Professor -with voice.</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" id="illus11" style="max-width: 43.75em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus11.jpg" alt=""> - <p class="caption">“O banzai! Whirr of angry rages from engine”</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_111"></a>[111]</span></p> - -<p>“Are!” response them birdy hero.</p> - -<p>“Then go it!” suggest Hon. Professor. Awful -breathlessness. Hon. Airnot with brave grasp -of wrist throw handle-crank to start engine. -Nothing happen. Surprise from all. Hon. -Airnot then speak automobile language & pull -more crank-wheel with thumbs. Complete -indifference from them engine.</p> - -<p>“Chaloric energy are hypnotized,” say one -Scientist who supposed he knew.</p> - -<p>“You have forgot-it to put in gasolene,” -corrode Irish man what was there to labour.</p> - -<p>“So have!” say Airnot. So Hon. Gasolene -was poured to engines with can.</p> - -<p>Once more prepare to start. Hon. Airnot -take seat. Quick jerk to crank-handle. O -banzai! Whirr of angry rages from engine. -Entire fly-machine get palpitation to resemble -rooster severed from its brains. Irish man give -shove, & complete bird-boat motor along ground on -bisickel wheels. More fast & more faster it -go, kicking up pebbles in frantick enjoyment, -some time rising to astonishy hight of ¼ inch, -now & yet bumptious to large stone and appearing -anxious to fly, but not sure how; till of suddenly -it make very restful flop against fence-post -& stop desiring to continue.</p> - -<p>Loud shouting from all Airo Clubs present.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_112"></a>[112]</span></p> - -<p>“I ask to know,” I require, “for why does all -make such pagan noise of gladness?”</p> - -<p>“For following reason,” decrop one Professor, -“because aireal navigation are solved.”</p> - -<p>“All airships is modeled to resemble some -kind of birds,” I say for interview. “Some to -resemble sparrows, some to resemble hawk—what -species of birdy are this fly-boat modeled -to resemble?”</p> - -<p>“It are modeled to resemble a ostrich,” say -Hon. Airnot, picking up some fingers he lost.</p> - -<p>“But a ostrich are not able to fly,” I snuggest.</p> - -<p>“Neither are this airship,” say Hon. Airnot in -whispering voice so as U. S. Govt might not -overheard.</p> - -<p>So all sujurn to Airo Club banquet with exception -of Hashimura Togo & Hon. Irish which -was not invited. We set together on grassy hill -for slight conversation about human progress.</p> - -<p>“Of surely, Mike,” say Irish with smoke-pipe -of dangerous shortness, “airshipping are a -grand sporty.”</p> - -<p>“It are still a low-down science,” I mangle.</p> - -<p>“Why a package of fools should do it, I am -willing to be searched,” he dib. “They spend -1,000’s of dollar to make such a mechanical -rooster what we seen this afternoon. They work -for 2 year to nail it together, they hire famous<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_113"></a>[113]</span> -Airnot from Kansas City, they get names in paper -& all Science must stop thinking about serious -things because they are so excited. Then great -day arrive. All ready—<i>whoof!</i> $6,000 air-boat -make flopping emotion and go bust by fence-post. -Everybody happy to go home & construpt more -airboats.”</p> - -<p>“Great things of World are built in them way,” -I corrode for dignity.</p> - -<p>“Southern Pacifick Railway were not built -in them way, you can bet it,” say Irish.</p> - -<p>“It will be a cheap way to travel in future,” -I nudge.</p> - -<p>“It are not cheap way to travel in present,” -decry that Hon. Irish. “By counting up all -axidents, break-ups, refusals to go, unwillingness -to stay up when started there, etc., it are computed -by Scientists that airships has cost $1,000 -for every yard they has flew through air.”</p> - -<p>“Such an expensive car-fare!” I derange.</p> - -<p>“Rates like them should be regulated by -Congress,” negotiate Hon. Irish, collecting -together fractional pieces of airship what was -strewed apart over hillside.</p> - -<p class="tb">Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, are being -a heathen awhile this summer because it are -vacation, and because his derby was thieved by<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_114"></a>[114]</span> -somebody at a Church Sociable. Missionary -lady say him, “Arthur, you should be a sunshine.” -He-say, “Too much sunshine creates headache. -I think I shall put up a umbrella for a temporary -time.”</p> - -<p>Therefore Arthur are very sinical & pessimons -when he speak of air navigation & human races.</p> - -<p>“Airships,” say Arthur, “are like souls of -people. There are continuous talk about elevating -human race; but alarmingly seldom does souls -get far enough off the ground to create much -disturbance.”</p> - -<p>“Some souls is like baloons,” I mitigate. -“They has lofty tendencies, they are filled of gas. -They go up & stay there where it is.”</p> - -<p>“It are easy to be ideal like a baloon,” say -Arthur. “But it are hard to be ideal like a airship. -To go up on lofty thought & stay up there -floating around without getting nowhere, that -are job what lots persons do & say, ‘O my, I are -so High Mind!’ But to go for trip in high air & -know where you will arrive at—<i>that</i> are job -for seldom and rare individuals. Such toply -navigators can discover North Pole and become -familiar with stars. They are not baloonists—they -are Poets....”</p> - -<p>“Poets are continually getting bumped to -Earth,” I indulge.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_115"></a>[115]</span></p> - -<p>“Excuse me so,” say Arthur, obtaining cigarettes -from me, “when not a Christian I am a -free-thinking Japanese.”</p> - -<p>“When thinking freely you are most relidgous,” -I commute.</p> - -<p class="tb">So we close up by singing of following song-sing -which sound very peculiar to musick of -samisen, which is a Jewish harp made in Yeddo:</p> - -<h3><i>CONVERSATION BETWEEN A JAPANESE POET -AND A TOMMY HAWK-BIRD</i></h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0"><span class="smcap">O ko-ko san</span></div> - <div class="verse indent0"><span class="smcap">O suki-ran</span></div> - <div class="verse indent0"><span class="smcap">Hashimura ichi-ban!</span></div> - <div class="verse indent8"><span class="smcap">Bun-bun!</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">In sufficiently old-fashion time</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Of Japanese history,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When Adam & Eve was considered late,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Bashi-Bashi, great Poeter,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Was a-laying near stream in Hokadate.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Drowdy song of hum-bee</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Was seen going around</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Stinging sweet flower for honey.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Hon. Bashi-Bashi were full of considerable lazy poetry.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Pretty soonly</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A Tommy Hawk-bird come flattering by & perch on lim of tree.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“I wish I could flew away like a Tommy Hawk-bird,” say Bashi-Bashi, because he was a Poet.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Why you wish it?” require them fowel.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Because,” say Poet with music,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“As I was a fly-high animal like you,</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_116"></a>[116]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">Then I might go</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To Emperor of Japan</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And get some salary.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then I might fly to lettuce-window</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Of love-lady</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And decry,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">‘Have Bashi-Bashi, Japanese poeter, got some chances with you?’”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Such a ha-ha!” salute them Hawk-bird,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“I have flew around for years,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And never did no such thing.”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“What you did with them power to flew?” requite Poet.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“I use it,”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Say Hawk-bird,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“For respectable purpose;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I are a married Tommy hawk—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">What would wife & eggs say,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">If I was seen flewing around strange lettuce-windows</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With a voice full of sonnets?”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">No reply for him.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“I have also fly to Emperor of Japan,”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Say Hawk-bird.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“What he say?” demand Poet.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“He-say, ‘Shoot them Hawk</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For stealing roosters</div> - <div class="verse indent0">From Royal Coop!’”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0"><span class="smcap">O ko-ko san</span></div> - <div class="verse indent0"><span class="smcap">O suki-ran!</span></div> - <div class="verse indent0">Bashi-Bashi lay silently</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Near water-cress of silverous stream.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Things what persons need,” he-say,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Can be obtained by walking for them, or taking bisickel, or else they are not to be had nohow.”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then he go sleep,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Filled with lazy poetry.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_117"></a>[117]</span></p> -<p>Mr. Editor, all human races wants something. -They are going for it with steamboat, automobile, -rail-train. Next they are after it with a -fly-boat. I hope you will let me know when they -finds it.</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_118"></a>[118]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XIV">XIV<br> -<span class="smaller">THE CONVENTIONAL MEETING OF REPS IN CHICAGO</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, June 15th.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To Editor New York Newspaper which are a good -advertising and spiritualistick medium about -proper subjecks, but must not mention pat. -medicines because of doped results.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Asteamed Sir</span>—It are not merely Japanese -alone which is surprised & excited over Rep -National Convention meeting in Chicago. All-coloured -persons is stimulated by it including Hon. -Strunsky, Irish salooner by corner.</p> - -<p>“It will be very august assembly,” corrode Hon. -Strunsky by beer-glass.</p> - -<p>“It will be June assembly in newspapers,” I -devote. I am suspicious of something humoristick -by American eye-wink from that Strunsky.</p> - -<p>“Them Rep National Convention will be like -a whale-fish,” he persume.</p> - -<p>“Why will it be so whalish by nature?” I ask -to know.</p> - -<p>“Because of,” he-say. “It will be very large, -very cool and full of spouts.”</p> - -<p>“Are it not wrong politick for Republicans to be<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_119"></a>[119]</span> -so fishy?” I am next to require, but Hon. Strunsky -become busy with intemperate customers.</p> - -<p>Newspaper reading of press makes all Japanese -Boys feverish of mind about such Conventions -which are representative and something else. -Presidents is manufactured & pulled apart by -such a Conventions. Are it not instructiverus for -Japanese Boys to learn how to do such things -with Presidents? So we have such a Convention -for ourselves & trade pretty numberous -thoughts to-gether in dine-room of Patriots -of Japan Board & Lodging. Many ideas are -burst by this.</p> - -<p>Bunkio Saguchi, Japanese taylor, sound keynote -to say,</p> - -<p>“I represent a violent Tafty sentiment; therefore -I should be interrupted by cheers.”</p> - -<p>This are arranged from all.</p> - -<p>“I make an emotion,” discourse this Bunkio, -“that Hon. Taft be named by exclamation.”</p> - -<p>“We are eager to make Tafty exclamations,” -rotate F. Matsu, “but Hon. Roosevelt must be -nominated first by request.”</p> - -<p>“Hon. Nox are more safely Pennsylvanian to -vote for,” erupt W. Furo who are a humourist -because of his lame mind.</p> - -<p>Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, say-so, -“Tarified statesmen must stand patsy, resulting<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_120"></a>[120]</span> -in pius victory for Jo-uncle Cannon. He are a -splandid Lincoln Republican because of.”</p> - -<p>“Because of which?” transfer Nogi.</p> - -<p>“Because of sentimental whiskers,” dally Arthur.</p> - -<p>“You are a Favourite Son,” say Nogi, who is -expert in mean curses.</p> - -<p>More insults is enjoyed. Then there is hits -followed by jiu jitsu. Chair furniture is smashy -to window including text-book & Japanese break-a-brack. -Intermission by Police.</p> - -<p>Japanese Boys Rep Convention adjurned -<i>sine diet</i>.</p> - -<p class="tb">“O what is so scarce as a day in June?” require -to know Hon. Seth Lowell, American poeter. -Answer to this is, “Republican Convention in -June are still more scarcer.” It will of surely be -a nice weather-condition for Chicago in June -to have all them assorted minds going assimulusly -in middle of Lake Shore. All sections of Chicago, -which are not already occupied by Mayor Busse, -will be full of Hon. W. Taft. Flags bunted everywhere -with thrills. Patriotism enjoyed by all.</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" id="illus12" style="max-width: 43.75em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus12.jpg" alt=""> - <p class="caption">“Loyal sons of same fairish land parading under banner of -the Nice Old Party with placards to show how harmonious they feel”</p> -</div> - -<p>Since great World’s Fire of 1898 Hon. Chicago -have not saw anything outside of Hon. Stockyards -so beautiful & talented. If you got some -kind of brain, Mr. Editor, imagine with it! -Imagine 992 desperate statesmen which has all<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_121"></a>[121]</span> -signed the pledge to vote for something, then -approach together for purpose. Could eye-flash -be omitted, could heart-sob be out, could speeching -with voice be neglected for such occasion? -Answer is, No! Put imaginative opera-glass on -them great Congregation. East & West, North -and some sections of South, hit together in firm -bond of union with common devotion of patriotick -thought, “Let us see Chicago and go home!” -Loyal Sons of same fairish land parading under -banner of the Nice Old Party with following -placards to show how harmonious they feel:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>“We Want Teddy.”</p> - -<p>“We Don’t.”</p> - -<p>“Hon. Fairbanks is Tall & Fair.”</p> - -<p>“Hon. Nox is Short & Ugly.”</p> - -<p>“Hon. Cannon is a Big Boom.”</p> - -<p>“Hon. Cannon Are a False Report.”</p> - -<p>“We Want Senator Forker.”</p> - -<p>“We Want Rockefeller—But We Can’t Have -Him.”</p> - -<p>“A Close Shave for Gov. Hughes.”</p> - -<p>“Hon. Taft Will Put Down the Trusts.”</p> - -<p>“Hon. Cannon Will Put Them Down More -Gently.”</p> - -<p>“Roosevelt Forever!”</p> - -<p>“It Looks That Way.”</p> - -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_122"></a>[122]</span></p> - -<p>Mr. Editor, if you can imagine them things it will -not be necessary for you to buy ticket to Chicago. -And yet them Convention will be a great service -to see because so much of. Every State in this -Hon. Union will be misrepresented by some great -man or another. Oftenly two or three statesmen -will do this. Brains will enjoy fatigue from -enormous Thought. Prominent druggers of Chicago -will get some permits to sell headache powders -to Delegates before & after speeches. When -nothing else seem important the Hon. Band will -play Star Spangly Banner (national tune) and Hon. -Delegates will play Poker (national game). Excitement -will never lax.</p> - -<p>Little Annie Anazuma, eight-year-aged daughter -of I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, are excited -about them Convention because she have a conventional -mind.</p> - -<p>“I read by papers, Uncle Togo,” she-say, -“that Republican Convention will spend $3,000 -for music.”</p> - -<p>“Musical chins is expensive,” I deploy.</p> - -<p>“Tell me to know, Uncle Togo,” she submit, -“what are a Temporarial Chairman about which -so much reading is done of lately?”</p> - -<p>“A Temporarial Chairman are a musician -hired to toot key-note for such a Convention,” -I arrange.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_123"></a>[123]</span></p> - -<p>“What will be key-note of Republican Convention?” -require that childish Japanese.</p> - -<p>“You are too young to imagine,” I collapse. -“There must be 47 key-notes to please all variety -of Republicans.”</p> - -<p>“Such a chairman should be a brass band,” -signify little Annie.</p> - -<p>I am silent for reply.</p> - -<p>“Why are Senator Borrows called ‘Julius -Cæsar’?” are next question for that infant mind.</p> - -<p>“Julius Cæsar are name of antique Statesman -who was stabbed,” I berate.</p> - -<p>“Will Hon. Borrows enjoy such a stabbing?” -she talk off.</p> - -<p>“Possibly never,” I derange. “Hon. Borrows -will resume Hon. Chair as a very much instructed -Delegate. He are instructed to look patriotick, -but not to act too nervous about it. He must not -do nothing to stampede them Convention. A -room full of Delegates are like a yard full of mule-horses. -They are shy about sudden noises. They -have animal natures. They are very anxious to -enjoy a stampede. If Hon. Temp. Chairman -say ‘Roosevelt!’ of sudden with voice, then such -kick-over, snort, hoof-tramp, squeal & panderonium -might ensue that Hon. Roosevelt might be -nominated before Hon. Fire Dept. could burst in -& put out enthusiasm of with wet hoses. Temp.<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_124"></a>[124]</span> -Chairman must arouse Republicans in soothing -sort of way. He are allowed to mention patriots -of Bunko Hill; but about San Juan Hill nothing -to said. American Colonial History are nice thing -for such occasions.</p> - -<p>“‘Patriots & Senator Penrose,’ would be quiet -sort of beginning. ‘What happen on bleak New -English coast by several centuries of past-time? -Hon. Plymouth Rock was discover by boat -<i>Mayflower</i>.’</p> - -<p>“(‘Several cheers for Presidential Yacht!’ -outcry California Delegate with stampeding -motion of thumbs.)</p> - -<p>“‘Pilgrim Parents grew that Rock and we can -prove it,’ delude that Hon. Temp, ‘and Republican -Party are deliciously like them Plymouth Rock, -emblem of free & brave, beautiful American -ideal covered with moss and in garments green -indistinct in the twilight. Quotation from Longfellow——’</p> - -<p>“(‘Our ticket, Fairbanks & Longfellow!’ say -voice from Indiana.)</p> - -<p>“‘Plymouth Rock have stood stationary for -1,000’s of year and refused to move itself for nothing -or nobody. That are a very dignified lesson -for Republican Party to stand on.’</p> - -<p>“(‘Banzai for Cannon & Fort!’ decry voice -with New Jersey accent.)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_125"></a>[125]</span></p> - -<p>“‘Plymouth Rock are a silent tribute of strength. -One safely sane Republican President should be -such a silent tribute. What say Hon. Dan Webster -about Presidential candidates? He-say, “A -roaring stone pleases no boss.” Therefore let us -do nice job by Republican faith, a faith what is -builded on stones of ancestors and rocks of Wall -Street.’</p> - -<p>“(Faint shrieking of ‘Teddy!’ from uninstructed -Arizona delegate. Stampede repressed by fire-drill.)”</p> - -<p>“Are Hon. Cæsar choice of Administration?” -enquire little Annie.</p> - -<p>“So sorry to reply,” I dement. “Hon. Beverage -are more sweethearted to Hon. Administration, -but patriotick Senators say he are too intemperate -with talk.”</p> - -<p>“Prohibition Republicans is opposed to all -Beverages,” abrogate little Annie, resuming doll-play -of childhood.</p> - -<p class="tb">Hon. Taft got back shortly ago from Panama -Canal where he was sent to study Republican -Majority. He are now nervous about a trip to -Philippine Islands where he is anxious not to be -needed till after Convention have got through with -him. Hon. Taft do not seek no nomination, but -he are willing to occupy address where he can be<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_126"></a>[126]</span> -found if looked for. Philippine Islands is too -distant for such modesty. If duty called Hon. Taft -to such farness away, I bet my bootware he would -hear duty making race-riot in Chicago during -middle of June.</p> - -<p>Hon. Taft are largest Policyholder in Roosevelt -Insurance Society. He will be nominate so -easily that it appear deceptive. I know because I -am aware. I am sometimes full of rejoice that I -have not got a ticket for that Hon. Convention -because it would be a tired thing to set for 5-day -race in them Convention Hall to hear something -happen what you know is arranged in advance.</p> - -<p class="tb">Mr. Editor, newspaper-press of all-coloured -politicks has enjoyed considerable agony about -White Shadow of Administration hovvering over -them Convention.</p> - -<p>I presume of my knowledge that Hon. Roosevelt -are setting in them Light House at Washington -suffering from pains in laughing-bone. He hear -them Malefactors nervously chattering teeth about -III Term, he are conscious about excitement from -Subsidized persons which looks over shoulders for -fearful of More of It; he are aware of very -solidified O-Hio curses with instructions to -Look Out.</p> - -<p>But Hon. Roosevelt, setting in barber-chair at<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_127"></a>[127]</span> -Light House, are smoking smoke and carving on -deathly end of Big Club following instructions,</p> - -<p>“<i>To be Preserved in Alcohol until Needed in -1912.</i>”</p> - -<p>“You have been President once and ½,” say -Jacob Riis from press chair.</p> - -<p>“Of sure I have,” say Hon. Pres., “and I gave -American audiences a very nice performance.”</p> - -<p>“Every good performance deserve an encore,” -admire Hon. Riis.</p> - -<p>“I have been hunting them for several year,” -say Hon. Roosevelt for parlayzed expression of -thought. “And many of them are still alive & -savage.”</p> - -<p>“What you speak of,” enquire Hon. Riis, -“them Trusts?”</p> - -<p>“No,” renig Hon. Roosevelt, “them Bears.”</p> - -<p>“What else to do when all is over?” require -Hon. Jake.</p> - -<p>“I shall go to Wales and hunt rabbits.”</p> - -<p>“Why such distances away?” derange him.</p> - -<p>“Wales is nice country for rests. In Wales -they do not know a rebate from a rabbit.”</p> - -<p>After this is loud scratching from pencils.</p> - -<p>Hoping you will send me a free wire telegraf -if Hon. Roosevelt gets elected by mistake,</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_128"></a>[128]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XV">XV<br> -<span class="smaller">AMERICA’S BANG UP CEREMONY</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, June 30th.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To Editor New York newspaper which act grand -to my hummbelness.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dear Mr.</span>—I am a familiar case. Therefore -permit me to ask one humour reproach about -something very mixed which are going to happen -to these U. S. July 4th are it. This ceremony -have occur so oftenly to America that persons -should be used to it. Persons is mostly able to -get used to whatever happen in eventual time. -Japan have gradual became innocule to hon. -beri-beri, which are a fine disease, if you must -have one. Hawaii islands also feels ditto about -lepordsy, which are regarded a pretty custom -among natives who got it. China are used to -opium-smoke, England are used to Parliament. -Then why-so these America never get used to -July 4th? I ask to know.</p> - -<p>Answer is this: She never will! She think may-be-so -she might, when something discouridge -occur. By July 4th morning she take some nervous -medecine to soothe it. She feels strongly better.<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_129"></a>[129]</span> -Joyful pops in distance. “Ha!” she say for -bluff, “I am vaccinated with gunpowder,” Louder -and more smashy become fusileer of bang-bang -musick until some fraxures bust to window. -Then silences. “Heavenly praise!” say Hon. -America, “in another minutes I should do a -scream.” Of suddenly large curl of smoke are -saw, then roof-afire followed by chicken-yard -blazes. Local hook-corps come with hose in time -to rake together ashes of sweet home & fireshade. -Then Hon. America forget calm resolve & enjoy -some hysterick.</p> - -<p>Sydney Katsu Jr., who are my affectionate -chumb, make a humoristick remark when I tell -him this parabula about Hon. America. He say, -“Hon. America can’t no more get used to July 4th -than she can get used to Hon. Roosevelt.” I hope -you will convulse yourself with this joke, because -it sound very delicious in Japanese.</p> - -<p>I enquire of some frequent Americans why-so -it are necessary to blow up America once annually -to make them patriotick. I am replied by -snickkers from many. Yet others indulge me -with following answer: “We must make considerable -Jar in order to remind us of American -Flag.” So fooly excuse! Do Hon. Japan have -to blow herself up once annually in order to -remind her of that dear sun-banner? Answer is,<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_130"></a>[130]</span> -No!! When Hon. Japan wish to remind herself -of Japanese Flag she go blow up Hon. Russia, -which will do pretty well.</p> - -<p>By last July 4th, while roming up San Francisco -for silent reflecion on patriotism, etc., I am shook -around by Port Arthur explosions from all direction. -It were as if Hon. Inferno had got away -& was scratching himself with thunderbolts. -Please imagine it. Popcorn sounds from small -firework was aggrevated by occasional intense -jar of mammal torpedo. At corner of St. I seen -one intelligent American laddish boy age 9 -a-blowing on dynamite fuse to make her go up.</p> - -<p>“Before finishing yourself,” I snuggest with -kind face, “please told me why you wish make -such an explode.”</p> - -<p>“Because of Revolutional War,” surrogate -them tiny child.</p> - -<p>“Do firecrack blow-up give you some intelligent -instructions about Revolutional War history?” -I request for answer.</p> - -<p>“Of sure it do!” declaim them kidly youth -procuring flames from matchbox.</p> - -<p>“If you can bang yourself wise,” I dally, -“please name 8 generals what faught with Hon. -Washington at Valley Forges.”</p> - -<p>“Name them yourself,” say them child, “can’t -you be able to see how busy I are?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_131"></a>[131]</span></p> - -<p>And when he thusly say-it all them firework -burst up & he are blowed to ambulance. I was -sorry to seen such sweet child rumpled by fireworks, -so I go hunt Hon. Parents of him & say -following for tearful eye,</p> - -<p>“Dear sir, I explain it that your child are considerably -bursted.”</p> - -<p>“Boys will be boys,” say Hon. Parents for -Christian Science expression.</p> - -<p>“Boys will be angels when not careful,” I -relapse with Red Cross eyewink.</p> - -<p class="tb">I got personal trouble sufficiently without July -4th to come & add some weariness. My uncle -Nichi, Japanese carpenter of Yeddo, have arrive -to S. F. for a very stretched visit. He are a -entirely jay Japanese, considerably neglectful of -American pant & vest, so he stick by kimono -which should be ashamed. I fix a nice derby -hat on him, which is fashionable, yet I can seen -persons make snickker-lip when he pass-by. -American derby annex to Japanese kimono are -nice symbol of modern Japan. It appear quite -hellish.</p> - -<p>Should I drop Uncle Nichi like a nusance? -Ah no! I must retain him reverently because he -are a ¼ cousin to my ancestor. Therefore I -entertain him to beer-ceremony at saloon of Hon.<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_132"></a>[132]</span> -Strunsky, Irish patriot. Uncle Nichi think beer -should be served in a cup & saucer. He-say -this kingdom give him musical ears & a -brain-ache.</p> - -<p>“Were America discover by axidents?” he -enquire to know.</p> - -<p>“Almost entirely,” I congratulate.</p> - -<p>“With care it might have been avoided,” emit -that oldy man.</p> - -<p>“Hon. America were discover by Mr. Columbus, -July 4, 1776,” I say for slight bore of tone.</p> - -<p>“Tell me everything,” attack Uncle Nichi, -who expect to stay here indefinitely.</p> - -<p>“On them date I said it,” is further from me, -“Hon. Columbus approach to Boston with iron -fleet. To assist him was Gen. Washington & -Gen. Grant, both nice fighters and anxious to -get into American history. Pretty soonly they -seen monument of Bunco Hill & there—beholt -it!—was Brittish troop with flag by command of -Gen. Corn Wallace——”</p> - -<p>“Excuse me to interrupt,” degrade my ¼ -ancestor. “If Hon. Columbus discovery these -U. S. first what was Brittish troop doing there -already?”</p> - -<p>“Most schoolboys is familiar with story,” I -dib with proud cigar. “So I may proceed, thank -you. Hon. Columbus land to shore with blue-jacky<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_133"></a>[133]</span> -& quick-fire ammunition. ‘You must -fight us, please,’ he-say to Brittish troop. ‘O -no, not to do!’ they renig with accent, ‘We must -not fight on July 4th because it are a legal holiday,’ -Therefore Hon. Columbus ship them Brittish -troop to Niagara Fall & declare these U. S. an -entirely free kingdom.”</p> - -<p>“And next what?” surrogate Uncle Nichi -wakefully.</p> - -<p>“And nextly Hon. Washington go to Pittsburgh -where he was crowned President & -Gen. Grant go Appotomax where he last all -summer.”</p> - -<p>“And what happen to Hon. Columbus?” -corrode Unc.</p> - -<p>“He go back to Spain where he was lynched,” -I collapse.</p> - -<p>“So July 4th have been occurring regularly ever -since?” he ask it.</p> - -<p>“With regular explosions,” I narrate.</p> - -<p>“Firecracks are an invention of the devil,” -twitch Uncle Nichi for superstitious look.</p> - -<p>“They are an invention of the Chinese,” I -retard, “and that may be quite similar.”</p> - -<p>“Most crimes can be traced to China,” say -Nichi for racial prejudice.</p> - -<p>“So July 4th will arrive presently,” I make -known.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_134"></a>[134]</span></p> - -<p>“How shall I know when it is came?” he ask -to know.</p> - -<p>“How can you miss it?” I bewail.</p> - -<p>“Please relate 25 or 30 noble instances of -American patriotism,” begin Uncle Nichi, but I -am able to delude him away for care-fare ride -price 10c.</p> - -<p class="tb">Mr. Editor, by most nearly genuine statistick -$3,000,000 are burned off of America by each -annual July 4th. This are sufficient to built 1 of -them battleships what Congress feel too poor to -vote. Six hundred persons is entirely killed by -this yearly bang-up. Such a number would -make a very nice crew for such a battleship. -They might sail it & never enjoy death until old -age do it. Would it not be a splandid plan for all -Americans to avoid purchase of firework for 1 -year & sent the money to Senator Hobson to -buy such a patriotick boat? It might be painted -of red colour to resemble firecrackers & would -be a floating monument to all brave Americans -who did not die on July 4th. I suggest an earnest -thought.</p> - -<p>Ah, Mr. Editor, I can hear you said something -with sweet voice! I can hear you said, “That -Japanese Schoolboy have a soul minus feet; -else why he make such a rail against July 4th,<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_135"></a>[135]</span> -when all them firework what is burned for glory -are of Japanese parentage?” Quite so truthful -it are for you to speek this, Mr. Editor. Sky-racket, -pinny-wheel, flower-pottery, nigger-chase -& Romantic-candle fireworks was formerly of -Japanese parentage, but they was very temperate -& well-behaving when made in Japan. It were -when they began to be manufactured in New -Jersey that they became boystrous, disappated -& disorderly shoots.</p> - -<p>By olden date of time it were custom for cash-wealthy -Daimo what was feeling joyful about his -ancestors to invite selection of persons to come -his garden to have a see. Pretty soon it was dark, -then Hon. Daimo would set afire one flower-pottery -filled with gunpowder. Sky was filled -with fiery blossoms to resemble botany.</p> - -<p>“That are a lily-plant of firework,” say Hon. -Daimo, “How you like?”</p> - -<p>“O how sweet!” declaim all guests bumping -forehead with hissy politeness. Then they drink -tea & go home with calm medetations about great -emperors & other famous politicians.</p> - -<p>Japan do not make such blazes very muchly -now days. She too busy with ordinary killing -machinery to devote times to decorated deaths. -When Japan have got to nail together 6 new -<i>Dreadnothings</i> annually for all-time of future in<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_136"></a>[136]</span> -order to keep civilized, what chanst have she got -to shoot off Romantic-candles for ancestors? But -she do it slyly now & then.</p> - -<p>And yet I are not entirely cross & irritate when -I see small kidly boys a-blowing off noises on them -July 4 date. Memory of Concors & Lex. are -worth burning some fingers for; but to blow out -eyes for such a memory are wastefully unnecessary. -Independance Day are a variety of intemperance, -and yet I might weep with eye to see it abolish by -Prohibition. What say Dan Webster about this? -He-say, “Intemperance are a good thing when -took moderately.” A very slight July 4th could -not hurt anybody—not even a College Professor -what often injure his fine brains a-thinking about -Standard Oil & how get some.</p> - -<p>Therefore I take ferryboat to some shades of -wood next July 4th and there enjoy lonesome picknick. -Sandwitch & cigarette will be smoked by me, -followed by this poem, which are less complete still:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">O Columbia the jam of the ocean,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The home of the Greek and the Slav,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Some object of frequent devotion,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">What nice summer climate you have!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With them garland of firework around you,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">With picknick & baseball game, too,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">O this Jap Boy are glad he have found you—</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Banzai for such red, white & blue.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>(To make a Chorus keep on singing it.)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_137"></a>[137]</span></p> - -<p>Hoping you will not go away and leave your -insurance in the office,</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<p>S. P.—Hon. Maxim Jr., child of Hon. Hi -Maxim, explosion man, have invent a species of -powder what explode silently. When this are -used soldiers can talk during entire battles with -out fear of interrupt. If Hon. Maxim Jr. can -fill July 4 with this noiseless powder, won’t he -be a greater benefatter to human races than Sir -Ike Newton? I require no answer.</p> - -<p class="right">H. T.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_138"></a>[138]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XVI">XVI<br> -<span class="smaller">CAN AFRICA WAIT TILL MARCH 4TH?</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, July 1st.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To Editor New York Newspaper who do it like -Hon. Sampson & murder deceptive tigers -with ham-bone of a mule.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>—In Jambeezi Creek, majistickal -river of darky Africa, nervous tense of suppressed -excitement & impatient longing are being enjoyed -by splandid menagerie of brutal beasts & curios -residing there. Seldom have foliage of uncut -Nature made such a nice invitation for a distinguished -visitor to come and shoot at it. Seldom -in Chicago was such 45-minute demonstration -gave to One Man by a convention of entirely -wild animals. Seldom in history of Nature-fake -have Hon. Tom Seton or Hon. John Burro -observed animals doing such behaviour without -going to jail. Imagine with your brain, Mr. -Editor, such squeak-rore & bellus of 10,000 -elephants assisted by tigers and other dennisons -of forest which has talent for making noises if -nothing else! It are like a suffragette caucus -in winter quarters of Barnum & Bailey; it are<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_139"></a>[139]</span> -the voice of Nature becoming hoarse with ovation -of banzai for the King of the Juggle, a Ramrod -among hunters, the only entirely retired Emporer -that ever told the Truth about Africa at the rate -of $2 a word and $4 for hard ones!</p> - -<p>In deeps of juggly forest Mother Elephant set -neath cocanuts & hold Baby Elephant in her -arms.</p> - -<p>“What aily you, tender Infant?” she require -for worry, brushing back its goldy locks.</p> - -<p>“Female mother,” he prattle, “what date of -calendar do it be?”</p> - -<p>“To-day are Thursday, Aug. 13, by N. Y. -<i>Journal</i>,” she reclaim for nervous calm.</p> - -<p>“Ah sad!” sob Hon. Child, winding trunk -around neck of its female mother. “It are such -a length of time till!”</p> - -<p>“Till which?” blow-out she.</p> - -<p>“Till March 4th,” remark child, “when Hon. -Roosevelt may obtain a vacation for 4 years & -come Africa to shoot Father.”</p> - -<p>“Hush, child,” say Hon. Mother Elephant. -“Hon. Roosevelt have got other large game besides -Elephants on his hands. He have got Mr. Taft.”</p> - -<p>“And when Mr. Taft are entirely elected, -what then-so?”</p> - -<p>“And then-so your Mother & Father will -both receive some very distinguished shoots from<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_140"></a>[140]</span> -that great mans. And maybe, if you are a very -good little Baby Elephant and do not climb no -trees, maybe you too will get a nice little bullet -from Hon. Roosevelt.”</p> - -<p>So Baby Elephant go sleep on shoulder-blade -of Mother without no more lullabys.</p> - -<p class="tb">Among banana trees of river-bank reside Jib-jab, -the man-chewing Tiger, who is a friend of Mr. -Kipling’s. He set by bright pooly-water worshiping -his mustash which is bees-wax upward to make -look like Emperor Wm. When along come -Jug, the poisoned cober-snake, entirely filled with -prussic acid & sliding along on the seat of his -stummick. He are reading Hon. Kipling’s -“Juggle Book” so as learn some nice snake-language -for make welcome speech of Hon. -Roosevelt when he arrive.</p> - -<p>“Good morning, Jib-jab,” he say to friend, -biting him on tail for playful salute. “Are -Presidential Program collaborately prepare for -to be shot off when Hon. Pres. make arrival?”</p> - -<p>“Of sure it are!” say Tiger with Frank Hitchcock -expression. “I have enjoyed considerable -literary correspondence with Hon. Sec. Loeb -who make appointment with me for meet Hon. -Roosevelt on date of May 8, 1909, when I will be -entirely shot.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_141"></a>[141]</span></p> - -<p>“How you do to receive such honour?” snuggle -Hon. Snake.</p> - -<p>“On them May 8, 1909, I are instruct to be -standing neath cocanuts with very tigerly expression -of angry rage. Growls from me. From -under-bush suddenly leap outly 72 dare-devilish -hunters armed to teeth with photographer’s -supplies. <i>Snap-snap</i>—I snagger back, riddled -with kodaks. In vainly I endeavour to escape, -but ere I can do a sneak I are surrounded -by James Creelman, Jacob Riis, Dave Grame -Phillips, Jack London, Bat Masterson, W. K. -Bok, Arthur Brisbane, & other desperate scouts -famous for shooting wild game at 25c a word -and 50c for hard ones. Trembling in 4 lims -& tail I am interviewed & compared to Thomas -F. Ryan. All are complete then, except the -Finish.</p> - -<p>“Silence suddenly over all Africa. Birds in -top-trees cease tune-whistling. Monkeys in up-twig -cease practising after-dinner speeches.</p> - -<p>“Then in the midst of hushes, One Man step -forthly. It are.</p> - -<p>“‘Hon. Ted,’ say Hon. Riis, ‘this are Hon. -Tige.’ Paw-shakes are did with exhibitions of -teeth from both us. ‘Dee-light!’ say Hon. Roosevelt -($4 for this word) and step backly to 30 pace. -‘Head little to right, please’ ($10) he dib, and<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_142"></a>[142]</span> -Crack-Jordan rifle are placed to elbow. ‘Bang!’ -($2) say rifle & I fall down on Africa and give -up my sinful soul with a mean snarl. After them -exercises I am entirely skinned & speeches worth -$680 is indulged in averaging from 25c to $4 a -word. Since King Midas died from swallowing -his gold teeth no King of Beasts has passed off so -expensively.”</p> - -<p>“Land of sakes!” abjeck Hon. Snake with -poison face, “I am filled with venum to think -what famous Brute you will be while I am merely -wormly & equal to zero with a wiggle on it. -While you are meeting all them fashionable -literary persons, I must get stepped on & nothing -else.”</p> - -<p>“Cease to grouch!” commute Hon. Tige. “If -you get industrious & bite somebody maybe you -will get beaten to jello with Big Club, and thusly -have name in newspaper-prints among other -noted malefacktors.”</p> - -<p class="tb">My Cousin Nogi, who are enjoying grouchies -this week because Miss Furioki to which he are -still married as wife has made a lope with S. -Wanda, Japanese Socialist, come-me and say -following for politickal rebuke:</p> - -<p>“On March 4, 1909, scenery of disturbance will -shift from Washington to Africa.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_143"></a>[143]</span></p> - -<p>“Hon. Roosevelt are very fond of dum animals,” -I hob-nob. “They can not talk back for -repartee.”</p> - -<p>“It are a great rest-cure to become an entirely -desperate hunter. While stabbing a tiger it are -very difficult to remember party lines & other -ugly liars. Grasping them furyus lepard by -juggly vein with cruel eyes standing on end & -teeth firmly planted in shoulder for delicious bite—on -them occasion how tame must seem companionship -of E. H. Harriman, Hon. Fork Tillman, -& Hon. Jo Forker!”</p> - -<p>“What-say Hon. Rubbert Burn, famous Scotch, -about this?” I reject. “He-say:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“Let old acquaintance be forgot</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And never brought to mind.”</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>At this quotation Sydney Katsu, Jr., make -come-in to my room for borrow toothbrush.</p> - -<p>“What grand American have wrote some light -tex-book on angry animals to be shot in Africa?” -he ask-it.</p> - -<p>“Some distinguished African might do this -intelligently,” I snuggest for help.</p> - -<p>“I have perused inside of entire edition of -Hon. Booker Washington,” repose Sydney, “and -there I find chapter on ‘Care & Culture of Mules -by Young Coloured Niggers’—and yet he are<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_144"></a>[144]</span> -suspiciously silent about brutal beasts to be -murdered on Jambeezi Creek.”</p> - -<p>“African subjecks is kept very dark by educated -Africans,” I drib for laughing-joke which -sound delicious in Japanese.</p> - -<p>“I enjoy considerable puzzle,” corrode Sydney. -“If no light books is to be had about them -carnibblous animals of darky Africa, how we -know what expect when Hon. Roosevelt go -shoot it?”</p> - -<p>“At $2 a word one may expect anything,” -I dib. “Hon. Gulliver wrote delicious travels for -much less.”</p> - -<p>“Hon. Gulliver were a short & ugly tourist,” -notate Nogi.</p> - -<p>Then in come Uncle Nichi, my ¼ ancestor, -wearing congressional shoes which irritate his -straw-seed appearance of Japanese farmer. He -banish in hand 1 piece tab-paper of which he are -foolishly proud.</p> - -<p>“So glad!” he rake-out. “I got here a sweet -list of all mad animals what reside there in dam -section of Congo riverside.”</p> - -<p>“Who give you such lists?” I require for shame -because he is my bloody relation.</p> - -<p>“Hon. Strunsky, Irish salooner, who say he -has been to all parts of Africa & Indiana.”</p> - -<p>“Read it, please,” say Sydney Katsu, Jr., who<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_145"></a>[145]</span> -are oftenly polite because he are not related to -Uncle Nichi.</p> - -<p>So Uncle Nichi with jay spectacles read following -deceptive list of brutal beasts to be shot from -foliage of Africa by persons what sees them:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p><i>Piebrock</i>—a six-legged steer what subsist on -malt beveridges which he take through a -straw because he have no teeth. He pulls -corks with a horn which grows from the back -of his neck. He can be easily told from a -<i>fagdoo</i> because he are a different animal. -He are fond of distinguished visitors and -enjoys Washington gossip when entirely -pure; but he are seriously dangerous when -bored. When pursued he swallows his feet-prints, -thus concealing his identity. Scarce -during Presidential Years.</p> - -<p><i>Yelk</i>—a species of pantomome, full of delicious -flavours, but awful hostile when killed. -You can easily tell him from other kinds of -horse because he have a head on both ends, -so he appear to be approaching when backing -off. He often lead hunters to doom by -his kind expression.</p> - -<p><i>Ook</i>—same as a yelk with smooth corners.</p> - -<p><i>Hawbuck</i>—this are the only kind of cow that -sleeps in trees. He are a very economickal<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_146"></a>[146]</span> -mammal. When hungry he lays a dozen -eggs and eats them. Hunters is warned not -to shoot this brute in the eyes, because he -ain’t got any and enjoys great rages when -reminded of it. To kill him, tickle him in -soles of feet so he will get mad & spit out -his heart. His habits are valvular & conjunctive. -He is just as apt to be found in -Africa as anywhere else.</p> - -<p><i>Tum-tum</i>—a very small camel used by natives -to hunt rats. He do this by——</p> - -</div> - -<p>“Kindly cut-out!” dib Nogi for shocked expression, -“if Hon. Roosevelt should heard you he -would place your photo in his Roguish Gallery -and you would be celled in Liars’ Row until -called for.”</p> - -<p>“Would it not be graceful act for mail this -list to Hon. Loeb?” say Unc with second-child -expression. “Hon. Roosevelt might avoid such -callackerous beasts if he knew about them.”</p> - -<p>“He might, but would he?” is reject from all -Japanese Boys present.</p> - -<p class="tb">Mr. Editor, already lull of Great White Peace -are settling over Washington. Hon. Roosevelt -find himself with nothing to say and Hon. Taft -are saying it to satisfaction of Republican Party. -All is quiet along the Patomack to-night except<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_147"></a>[147]</span> -now and then a stray rebate is shot, as it runs -toward the Court of Appeals, by a rifleman hid -behind the Treasury Building. The world are -being run from Oyster Bay, and everybody -are so happy & contented, thank you, that Hon. -Newspapers is reviewing the Thaw case because -they ain’t got nothing disagreeable to talk about. -The Greatest Man in America set among sagamores -& gaze with eyebrows to shore of beautiful -Connecticut</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Where every prospect pleases</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And only politicks is rotten.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>“All work & no play make Kermit a dull boy,” -he-say for deelight. “I are considerable darn -tired of bearing America on my neck. I fain for -to recreate. I fain to get something free & -easy like frollicking from velt to kop at dewey -eve snagging lightly in my teeth the following -trophies of the chase:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>1 gentleman elephant consisting of 6 tons -& tusks.</p> - -<p>2 Royal Bangor tigers of cross disposition.</p> - -<p>8 ooks & a hawbuck resembling a feather -boa.</p> - -<p>21 wild Boers.</p> - -<p>3 ground squirrils.</p> - -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_148"></a>[148]</span></p> - -<p>“African elephant,” say Hon. T., “are more -superior to Republican elephant because he are -entirely wild and free and refuse to pile tariff -planks for no Trusts.”</p> - -<p class="tb">So on March 4th, Mr. Editor, Africa will -receive what are coming that way. When front -door of White House are enlarged to carriage -entrance for the Greatest Figure in the Party, -from back door of that kingly place gentleman -with elephant gun will rough-walk away followed -by Kermit with a hatchet to cut off their heads. -Can any bright Japanese Schoolboy win a prize -by guessing name of them departing?</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The tumble & the spouting dies,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The Congress and the King depart—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So ends the Constant Exercise:</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Now let the Expedition start!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>With waggly regards from O-Fido.</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_149"></a>[149]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XVII">XVII<br> -<span class="smaller">THE HON. GASOLENE</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, July 5th.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To Editor New York Newspaper, celebrated for -its Nationality and nice printing.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>—What say Hon. Galileo when -enjoying execution by ax? He say, “This World -do move!” Then neck-chop ensue to interrupt -that great thought at wind-pipe. If Japanese -Boy was there he would enquire to know, “What -do move this World, please?” Answer for this -reply is: “Hon. Gasolene do!”</p> - -<p>One quaint American proverb say, “Where -there is Smoke there is Blazes.” This is especially -truthful about Pittsburgh. Yet how much more -proverbial it would be to say it, “Where there is -Smell there is Speed.” I know because!</p> - -<p>Mr. Editor, I do not possess of my ownership -any automobiles, but my cousin Nogi gave me -acquaintance to Hon. G. W. Yosho, celebrated -coachman for all tour-cars. This Yosho wear -rubber uniform of Japanese Field Marshal. He -appear to look like Marquis Oyama, but is much -more important about it. I reverence him<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_150"></a>[150]</span> -because he have killed several Americans and some -Christians.</p> - -<p>“Hon. Yosho,” I collapse with Japanese -salute, “nobody not yet have invited me to ride -in one.”</p> - -<p>“Maybe so it might,” he subdivide with forgetful -expression.</p> - -<p>“Do automobiles make persons civilized?” -I require for answer.</p> - -<p>“Ask the Motor Man!” signify this Hon. -Yosho making buzz-buzz of machinery and -disappear with considerable odour. Soonly I -hope to become a dear acquaintance to this Yosho -who would be a very nice friend for chumb.</p> - -<p>Next I go to livery stable where automobiles -is kept. There I met Motor Man who suspect me -of being Japanese Count ambitious to buy one. -I become immediately deceptive. He suffocate -me with international courtesy. He show me -several tour-cars of delicious machinery.</p> - -<p>“How much for price of red automobile?” -I enquire to know.</p> - -<p>“Red automobile is $8,000 by price, Mr. -Count,” he collapse with politeness.</p> - -<p>“How much for price of green automobile?” -I ask for haughty reply.</p> - -<p>“Green automobile is $2,000 for price, Hon. -Sir,” he dictate for reverence.</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" id="illus13" style="max-width: 43.75em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus13.jpg" alt=""> - <p class="caption">“There I meet Motor Man who ... suffocate me with international courtesy”</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_151"></a>[151]</span></p> - -<p>“Quite well,” I retrograde. “Then paint -red automobile green and Japanese Boy will take -it for $2,000.”</p> - -<p>This Motor Man hesitate to do. So he donate -to me one cigar of value 25c and we enjoy a very -elaborate interview about Hon. Gasolene which -is a wonderfully civilized drug. By ancient history, -say this Motor Man, Hon. Gasolene was a -very hummbel medicine. It was principally useful -for removing raspberries from gloves and could -be employed in cook-stoves for explosions. Gasolene -was next discovered to be one nice chemical -for insurance. This gave it publick interest -which made it necessary for all forms of motor. -(“What is home without a motor?” require little -Annie Anazuma, who have a flashy mind for -9 year age.)</p> - -<p>Gasolene is so easy to distinguish from cologne -that it appear deceptive. “Though lost to sight -to memory strong” and “Gone, but not forgotten” -was once fashionable for funerals. Them -remarks is now mostly heard at automobile -races.</p> - -<p>Hon. Gasolene will make great civilization for -future, say Motor Man. Niagara Falls will be -runned by this fuel, machinery of Congress will -go by gasolene-motor, farmers will turn horse-stable -into garage and gather hay by gasolene.<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_152"></a>[152]</span> -Warfare of future, say Motor Man, will be shot -off by Hon. Gasolene. Japanese imperial Horse -Guards on prancing motor-cycles will make -desperation of charge on Gen. Kouropatkin with -light runabout division on left wing while automobile -batteries from hills will make considerable -banzai with Shimose powder & fireworks. -By shot & shell, shout-call, enjoyment of death -& wounds, long red line of touring-cars will charge -from trenches while all day long them commissary-buggies -will make hurry-up trip to firing-line to -bring more gasolene from Army Canteen. Japanese -air-navy of fly-machines will do something, -too, probably, with them 1,000 horsepower -aromatic engines. O such delightful banzai! -Fierce honking from all sides, sharp report of -punctuated tires—Nippon forever! On, men -of Nagasaki! Let us shed last drop of gasolene -for home & garage.</p> - -<p>This is future warfare by Hon. Gasolene. -What say Hebrew Prophet? “He smelleth the -battle from away off and he yelleth ‘O my!’”</p> - -<p>This Motor Man tell me some serious truth -about Hon. Gasolene when took internally by -victims. It is a very habitual drug like cocktails, -cocaine, opium-smoke and Peruna. When continually -enjoyed by human interior it make -result of one very nervous disease what hon.<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_153"></a>[153]</span> -doctor-book call <i>locomobile ataxia</i>. When you -have got this sickness, Mr. Editor, you will know -it by following course of symptoms:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>1—When tour-carring on roadway you suddenly -find out you are too slow.</p> - -<p>2—You mortgage on home to buy something -of swift red colour.</p> - -<p>3—You are greedy to break it. You break -record, speed-law & crank-shaft in short -period. Then you break neck and quit it.</p> - -<p>4—You go to hospital to forget wife & child.</p> - -<p>5—You deceive doctor by honking yourself to -death.</p> - -</div> - -<p>If you have done them symptoms, Mr. -Editor, you had better worry, because you -are a ill person.</p> - -<p class="tb">One great sporty event is now approaching -to Pacific Coast by inches. It is that trip of -horse-racing automobiles travelling by snow-plough -from New York to Paris. Them automobiles -is quite international and has been froze -to death in four languages already. They expects -to enjoy Alaska & Siberia in the same way. -Shuddering is unpleasant to such heroes.</p> - -<p>Sydney Katsu, Jr., Japanese dentistry, desire -to make bet-sum of money with me for $1. I am<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_154"></a>[154]</span> -an entirely sporting Japanese, Mr. Editor. I -am willing to risk enormous sum of money if I -am sure I can be able to get it back with interest -at some proper percentage. I am disagreeable -about any bet what is a speculation; but I am -recklus about gambling when it is a good investment. -Therefore, what car will win? America -car is now most patriotic about getting ahead—yet -what would happen to my money if that -automobile should enjoy train-wreck while going -over Rocky Mountains in Pullman car?</p> - -<p>I follow this race for one weektime by press-notice -and get these excitable items to inclose -for you:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p><i>Monday</i>—American car drawn by Hon. Bill -Pirkins’ tame mare “Florence” forges 101 -yards through snow-drift.</p> - -<p><i>Tuesday</i>—Italian-speaking car, driven by 2-mule-power -borrowed from Hon. Rube Brown, -make entry to Paris, Neb.</p> - -<p><i>Wednesday</i>—Italian mules pass American -1-horse-power mare.</p> - -<p><i>Thursday</i>—American snow-plow “Governor -Hughes” set pace for all comers.</p> - -<p><i>Friday</i>—Hay is distributed along racecourse by -gallant American troups so that motor-power -can stop for lunch.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_155"></a>[155]</span></p> - -<p><i>Saturday</i>—French car “Motor-Block” discovered -in Chicago speaking the language.</p> - -</div> - -<p>“How will them motoring-cars go it in Alaska -where horses is scarce to find?” Sydney Katsu, -Jr., enquire for tip.</p> - -<p>“Dogs is very obliging as beast of burden in -them arctick,” I relapse. “In Siberia reindeers -of very high gear is pleasant for automobiling.”</p> - -<p>“Large supplies of Hon. Gasolene is necessary -for such trip,” say that light-mind Sydney.</p> - -<p>“Large supply of Hon. Oats is more better for -fuel,” I relapse with American eye-wink.</p> - -<p>Please enjoy this poetry which I make to look -like it:</p> - -<h3><i>DREAM WHICH FOLLOWED ESTEEMED DOUGHNUTS -I ATE</i></h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0"><span class="smcap">O-Moto-san, O-Loco-san</span>,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">My soul is agreeable tonight!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Am I? It seems to be I am reclining</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Among the Irish-flowers of dear Japan,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Such fragral!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Birds is songing from memory,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Breezes is also there to some extent;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Japanese Boy is there by moonlight</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To naturally take it pleasantly—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And yet he do not!!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">O why, then? Because this:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Mountain Fujiyama is setting on his breastbone expecting to remain for conversation about topicks.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Japanese Boy is very polite to this Fuji</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_156"></a>[156]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">Because it is entirely holy.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So he speak gentle,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Gentle like cockroaches waltzing on Brussels carpets.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“O Fuji,” dictate this Boy,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“You are too elderly to mention, place of thundering climate & sacred mildew, nice peak for sublime thought, also for Hon. Tourist to pay guide make walk-up—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Excuse me, please, when I express it</div> - <div class="verse indent0">How I feel you was more better been</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Where you was than where you is.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Therefore I hint you get from off</div> - <div class="verse indent0">From my collarbone, if convenient!”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But Fuji, important hill,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Make rumbling from fire in nose.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Togo,” he say,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“You know what about Japan?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">It have got one new god to run everything!”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“What called is this diety person?” I collapse.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“He is called Hon. Gasolene,” say Fuji.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">(I make American eye-wink)</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Prior gods of Japan led Simply Life,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Water God turn wheel,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Air God blow sail,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Fire God bake potatoes—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then what say-so Japan?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">‘Too slow!!’</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Japan say, ‘Look what’s there!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Why do America wheel</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Go buzz-around so fastly?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">How she do-it make Waterbury watch</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Including soap and other civilization?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">How she do-it which make Marquis of St. Louis</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Speed-away all time</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In red chug-chug jinrikisha?’</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then answer one great Japanese scientist,</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_157"></a>[157]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">‘Gasolene, please!’</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With such result,” deject O-Fujiyama,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Japan get hurry-off-do-quick</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Bang-up, slam-down, bust-trust excitement.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Temple bells is rung by steam,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Shrines of ancestors whistle like factory,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Gods of Japan is buying tickets for Nirvana—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So long for all them happy history,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Fare-bye, times of dear gone off!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Japan is getting too smart</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For old fashion Volcano.”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With such say-so</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Hon. Fujiyama kick Japanese Boy</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Outside of his dream.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Wake to dawn-rise, Japanese Boy,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Eject yourself to duty of day!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Morn has came</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And hymn of praise is telling about it from 85c alarm clock and doing so quite well, thank you!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Once more to speak of crime and then not to -mention Gasolene again. I hear by editorial -print how 12,000,000 mans has been arrested in -automobiles for past year. All forms of burglary, -including murder & assassination, has been much -less arrested than this. Therefore it prove how -sinful is automobiles.</p> - -<p>American society is divided into two sharp -classes with police between them. Them who -has automobiles is called Predatory Rich, them -who has not is called Propaganders. When -Socialism is elected each person will have 1 automobile;<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_158"></a>[158]</span> -but them machinery will be out of style -by then-time. Such a discouraging thought to -enjoy!</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<p>S. P.—I enquire to know from my Cousin -Nogi, “Why is automobiles painted blue?”</p> - -<p>“To distinguish them from horses which is -seldom found in them fast colours,” collapse that -idle Japanese.</p> - -<p>Is this scientifick fact?</p> - -<p class="right">H. T.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_159"></a>[159]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XVIII">XVIII<br> -<span class="smaller">AMERICA’S BASE GAME OF BALL</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, July 9th.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To Editor New York Newspaper which have no -Sporty Column and are careless about Which -Lickt in Prize Fite exercises, yet are willing -to report all Human Races.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dearest Sir</span>—Uncle Nichi recently-time -make home-come with extra pink sporty edition -of last week New York newspaper-print. He-say, -“I buy it because it are a blush-colour to -resemble Hon. Police Gazat, sweet family paper.”</p> - -<p>On them sporty-page, Mr. Editor, was considerable -chatter-talk about baseballing and other -crimes left over from front page. There I learn-how -one N. Y. gentleman of name McGraw have -“discovered two new stars” and I are glad, -because Astronomy are a nice knowledge to revere; -but when I read “Hon. McGraw have broken a -fresh Pitcher” I enjoy tense disgust. Why such -excitement about a milkman which are nothing -but a Swede born in Switzerland?</p> - -<p>Sporty Editor of this paper make a very kind -offer by large tipe. He-say,</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_160"></a>[160]</span></p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p><i>“Eech reader of this Page what got a Question -to ask it about Baseballing, please do so & we -endeavor to reply if possibly can-do.”</i></p> - -</div> - -<p>So I am very grateful to him & send following -Bally question about a Game I seen & got -worried:</p> - -<p>“Please, when Hon. Knock batt Hon. Ball with -knock-stick till it make streek to sky & of finally -lower itself followed by Second Basso & 3 Herders -while Hon. Knock make running from Bass to -Bass & Hon. Ball come more lowly and still lower -till 2 Herders hold uply their hands for grabb & -downd come Ball & aint caught because someone -negleckt to (great rory-yall from bleached seats) -so Hon. Knock he gallop-to Thirdly Bass while -all struggly to grasp Ball which do a bounce with -deceptive expression & Hon. Knock stob toe & -fall paralell while running, so Hon. Catch -get Ball & hasten with it to where it started -from—how much would such a Play count for -both sides?”</p> - -<p>To-day I receive following reply:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p><i>“Your intelligent letter was read by our Puzzle -Editor who is dangerously dead.”</i></p> - -</div> - -<p>Yoni Hashimoto, Japanese boot-cobble, have -gone entirely mania on subjeck of Baseballing.<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_161"></a>[161]</span> -He oftenly speaks of White Sox and Giants with -voice, and many Japanese Boys supposes he is -right. Of recently he come me with National -League expression of teeth to say it.</p> - -<p>“Togo, we are gathering up a Japanese baseball -9 for play with.”</p> - -<p>“How many must be in such a 9?” I ask to -know.</p> - -<p>“About 15 are sufficiently numberous,” expose -Yoni. “There must be 1 Catch, 1 Stopper, 3 -Bassos, 1 Pitch—”</p> - -<p>(“A Pitch in time saves a Nine,” I report for -cute smart quotation.)</p> - -<p>“Also 3 Knockers and 6 Herders.”</p> - -<p>“What are duties for them Herders, if they got -any?” is query I make.</p> - -<p>“Herders is most skilful of all ballplays,” -parade Yoni. “They must be able to play inside -& outside of Grounds. They must be fearless -fence-climbers & able to arrive over before Hon. -Ball do. They must be reckless about colleckting -Ball on 3d or 4th bounce when all others can’t -do-so. Lots of teams loses entire games because -they has not got enough of them Herders.”</p> - -<p>“If you gather up such a Japanese team who -would play with it?” I subsist.</p> - -<p>“Some Christian team perhapsly,” corrode -Yoni.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_162"></a>[162]</span></p> - -<p>“Ah not to do!” I dib. “Christian teams is -too busy bursting Sabbath among themselves to -do baseballing with such a heathens like us.”</p> - -<p>“What to do for a challenge?” submit poor -Yoni Hashimoto with entirely daff expression.</p> - -<p>So I go-see Hon. Strunsky, Irish salooner, & -I say him,</p> - -<p>“Who would be suitable team for play-ball -with Japanese Schoolboy 9?”</p> - -<p>“Old Soldiers Home might do so,” say he rolling -beer-kag.</p> - -<p>“Is them Old Soldiers athletick?” I require for -answer.</p> - -<p>“They are entirely cripples,” say Strunsky. -“But they are still sufficiently brisk to run circles -around such a Japanese 9 what you mention.”</p> - -<p>“Are running in circles a necessary skill to do -in baseballing?” is next question for me, but Hon. -Strunsky no can answer because a U. S. soldier -arrive filled with drunk & tell how he got a superior -brain to most other Irish.</p> - -<p>So I go tell this Yoni man about them Old -Soldiers Home what Hon. Strunsky say might be -sufficiently athletick. Yoni he go get talefone -book and search up residence of such a Elderly -home & he find one in Oakland. So sorry I no -could go, but I must assist geraniums of Mrs. -Lusy Macdonald, queenly lady of 286 pound<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_163"></a>[163]</span> -beauty. But Yoni with entirely yellow baseball -9 composed of 15 Japanese, depart off by noontime -ferryboat. Following was on it:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>Hon. Pitch—S. Wanda, Japanese socialist.</p> - -<p>Hon. Catch—A. Kickahajama, missionary boy.</p> - -<p>Hon. Stopper—Bunkio Saguchi.</p> - -<p>Hon. 1st Basso—W. Furo, whose brother is -still dead.</p> - -<p>Hon. 2d Basso—Yoni Hashimoto, Japanese -boot-cobble.</p> - -<p>Hon. 3d Basso—Cousin Nogi.</p> - -<p>Hon. 1st Knocker—Sydney Katsu, Jr., who -suppose he can.</p> - -<p>Hon. 2d Knocker—Y. Yakamoto, familiar haircut.</p> - -<p>Hon. 3d Knocker—Frank the Japanned boot-polish.</p> - -<p>6 Hon. Herders—F. Sago, R. Sanjuji, J. C. Shima, -B. Ohara, B. Shimasuki, and a Japanese who -call himself Charley Smith to get a job in bank.</p> - -</div> - -<p>Uncle Nichi, who do not understand sufficient -baseballing to do so, were permitted to go long -& keep score, also do what fanning was necessary.</p> - -<p class="tb">By evening-time Cousin Nogi come back looking -tired but entirely experienced.</p> - -<p>“Who beat it in this game?” were first question -for me.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_164"></a>[164]</span></p> - -<p>“When you knows you will understand,” -dignify Nogi. “Following were the Score:</p> - -<table> - <tr> - <td>“Japanese Schoolboys</td> - <td class="tdr">48  </td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Old Soldiers Home</td> - <td class="tdr">103”</td> - </tr> -</table> - -<p>“It must be very fine game to have such a large -score,” I snaggle.</p> - -<p>“We merely play 5 Inns,” say Nogi. “Them -Elderly Vets was just beginning to get active -when twilight arrived. If game was continued to -finish them Hon. Score would of got several thousands -extra.”</p> - -<p>“Tell me entire story of the game,” I collapse -patiently.</p> - -<p>“It was in second Inn,” debat Nogi for Jack -London expression. “Score were then 12 to -minus in flavour of the Japanese. Hon. Pitch -for Old Soldiers were Capt. Hirum Jones, oldly -hero who lost right arm in battle of Shylock.”</p> - -<p>“How can a hero be a baseball Pitch when he -lost his arm?” are my earnest enquire.</p> - -<p>“His left arm were still entirely there,” dib -Nogi. “With this he make some very gentle -throws. I am next to go batt. I stand uply with -brave expression & when Hon. Ball come soring -to me I make fierce knock. Ball go to heaven -with loud report. (Maddy banzai from Uncle -Nichi who was there to fan it.) I make 4 entire -home-runnings before them Hon. Vets could find<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_165"></a>[165]</span> -Ball which was roosting in a tree. Then I am -put entirely out & Hon. Vets enjoy a Inn.”</p> - -<p>Nogi make trajick puff with cigar.</p> - -<p>“Hon. Jeremiah Willkins, a sweet soldier who -lost 2 legs in Battle of Bully Run, next go batt. -He were a very nice knocker, so when he hit ball -for high sore he attempt to approach 2d Bass, but -are deliciously slow, thank you, because of footlus -condition. W. Furo grabb ball quickly & Hon. -Umperor yall ‘Out, please!’ When Uncle Nichi -hear this he cry for sorrow, ‘O! not to do! what -brutal Umperor to put oldy man outside because -he lost 2 legs!’ Intense sensations for all Japanese -present. S. Wanda, Japanese socialist, -approach Hon. Willkins with polite hat. ‘Hon. -Sir,’ he say-so, ‘permit me for hellup you make -home-run,’ So Wanda, assisted by Bunkio Saguchi -& Sydney Katsu, Jr., give helluping aid to -Hon. Willkins for 5 home-runs, when he say he -are tired so he set down.</p> - -<p>“After that,” say Nogi, “it were a very pleasant -outing for them Hon. Vets. Eech Old Soldier -what go batt are some kind of a delicious cripple -& other hon. wounds, so we must also aid <i>him</i> to -enjoy several home-runs.”</p> - -<p>“How long this loving attention go on?” I ask -to know.</p> - -<p>“Bye-bye darkness fall & dinner-bell from<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_166"></a>[166]</span> -Elderly Hero Establishment announce quit-time -for all. So handclasp were enjoyed with 3-cheer -ceremony & we go ferry-boat.”</p> - -<p>“103 runs were a hard afternoon for such oldy -mans,” I snuggest.</p> - -<p>“It were a splandid lesson in politeness for all -National Leagues,” corrugate Nogi.</p> - -<p>“It were a splandid lesson in bookkeeping for -Uncle Nichi who kept score,” was answer for -Japanese Schoolboy.</p> - -<p>Please print following rhythm for practice:</p> - -<h3><i>FANATICAL POEM ABOUT ICHI-BAN, AN -ANTIQUE ROOT</i></h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Ichi-ban</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Of Old Japan</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He were a famous Baseball Fan—</div> - <div class="verse indent0"><span class="smcap">Pin-Pin</span></div> - <div class="verse indent0">Come in!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He ust to skreech,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He ust to preech</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And set for hours upon the Bleech</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With howels</div> - <div class="verse indent0">& growels</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And when the Home Team missed a play them swaring-words he ust to say was very noted in his day from Fujiyama to Cathay.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He knowed the score</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And something more</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Of every Team what Pennants bore</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In days that was entirely yore.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He knowed the batting-records, too,</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_167"></a>[167]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">Of Hokasai & Tingapu—</div> - <div class="verse indent0"><span class="smcap">O-San, O-San</span>!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A wildly fan</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Was Ichi-ban of Old Japan.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Now Ichi-ban</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Them famous man</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He stay at Baseball Grounds so long</div> - <div class="verse indent0">His Wife she feel there something wrong</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Because her husband been away</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For 60-night & 60-day.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">She very cross. And so, of course,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">She go and buy 1 nice divorce</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And when it was entirely got</div> - <div class="verse indent0">She sell the family house & lott</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And runny way from Ichi-ban</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With Kokomo, a railroad man.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So all the neighbors they suppose,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“When Ichi-ban come home & knows</div> - <div class="verse indent0">What trajick have occur to him</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He tare his Wife from lim to lim.”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">So K. Batsu,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A neighbor true,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To Baseball Ground he straightly go</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For tell poor Ichi-ban what-so;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But Ichi-ban, who still was there, he gaz ahead with fixy stare, sometime a snort, sometime a sware, but otherwise what do he care?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Your wife,” say Batsu, “run away.”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But Ichi-ban just snuff & say,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“The Pitcher very punk today.”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Say Batsu, “Worser news I got—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Your Wife have stole your house & lott—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">It are a very wrong disgrace.”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Say Ichi-ban with fixy face,</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_168"></a>[168]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">“That nothing!—man just stole 3d Base.”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So Batsu, when them words he hear,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Enjoy some sympathy & fear,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“I sorry, friend, what grief have came——”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Cut out!” say Ich, “you spoil the game.”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So Batsu for them heartless speech</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Leave Ichi-ban upon the Bleech</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To snorty sporty howly screech,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To hooty tooty rooty squawk</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In latest style of Baseball Talk.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">So Ichi-ban, all world forgot,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Stay 7-year in that same spot.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He lose his friends, improve his voice</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And live on Peanuts & rejoice</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Til one day when the Home Team beat</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He got some spasms in his feet</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Which gave such banzais to his tongue</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He die by shouting up a lung.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">So on his Tomb to-day for see</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Some Tourists finds this Repartee:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Ichi-ban</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Of Old Japan</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Were just a average Baseball Fan</div> - <div class="verse indent0"><span class="smcap">Pin-pin</span></div> - <div class="verse indent0">Come-in!”</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Hoping you will,</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_169"></a>[169]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XIX">XIX<br> -<span class="smaller">IS A VICE-PRES NEARLY A KING?</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, July 12th.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>Editor New York Newspaper which are responsible -for everything.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>—Noted Greek patriot, Erysipelas, -were once offered job of Street Cleaning Department -in Athens, Greece, which was then in a very -insane state of dirt. Intimides, Mayor of Athens, -offer him this job for a insult, because it was. -How useless however!</p> - -<p>“Ah!” commute them Erysipelas, “I will took -such a publick jobs & show what a elegant muck-sweep -I can do.”</p> - -<p>So he done it by history.</p> - -<p>Mr. Editor, some patriot of America should become -like Hon. Erysipelas & be a Vice-President -without doing a sulk. To be a Vice-President -are like such a Street Cleansing job, only it are -more hummbel. He are like a street-sweeper -without a broom. He are not permitted to carry -turkey-dusters or other dangerous fire-arms. He -are placed in a very high seat & commanded to set -there 4 years enjoying silences. Raking, brooming<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_170"></a>[170]</span> -& dusting are a forbid. If he are caught trying -to wipe cobwebs off of Senate with silk handkerchief -he are given a upbraid. He enjoy very hopeless -position—and yet he might do something -for somebody some days. If he start young being -a Vice-President might he not work up to good -position by this? Might he not, by eventual time, -get a job being 3d secretary to German Embassy -or clerk in Subtreasury Dept?</p> - -<p>I ask for anxiety.</p> - -<p>I have just-but & recently become sad about -Vice-Presidents. Formerly I imagined it were -pretty nice kind of grandeur. Some weeks past-time -I hear wildly news & go with run-step to -saloon of Hon. Strunsky who thinks politically -because he are Irish.</p> - -<p>“Hon. Jim Sherman got it!” I collapse for -excitement.</p> - -<p>“Who in politicks are Jim Sherman?” require -Hon. Strunsky.</p> - -<p>“He are man what was nominate,” I snagger.</p> - -<p>“Nominate for what?” crossly examine him.</p> - -<p>“For Vice-President,” I rapture.</p> - -<p>“O!” say Hon. Strunsky and continue to wipe -beer from glass.</p> - -<p>I enjoy falling of face.</p> - -<p>“Are not Vice-Presidency almost a kingly job?” -I ask to know.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_171"></a>[171]</span></p> - -<p>“Almost,” degrade Strunsky with towel.</p> - -<p>“What you mean by ‘almost’?” I research.</p> - -<p>“By ‘almost’ I mean ‘nearly,’” irritate that -Irish patriot. “When a thing are ‘almost good’ -it are ‘nearly bad,’” he dib. “When I chase a -ferryboat and almost catch it, that do not help me -much about arriving to Oakland in time for -German banquit. A Vice-Pres are a statesman -what have nearly caught the Ship of State.”</p> - -<p>“Situation of Vice-President were offered to -many Favourite Sons,” I regret.</p> - -<p>“It were refused by many Favourite Sons,” -say Strunsky, “but it were accepted by a Political -Orphan.”</p> - -<p>So I leave that Strunsky enjoying feel of considerable -depress near shoulder-blade. I have -a slammed ideal. Such a useless to young mans -studying bookkeeping & stenography of hope to -become President some day! It are awfully well -to make walk-up by stairway of Fame—but -supposing for imagination that foot slipped? Ah -then! Japanese Boy might get downdy tumble -to be a Vice-President or some other equal crime.</p> - -<p>Soonly I meet up with my Uncle Nichi, who are -taking lessons in American cigar smoking from -Cousin Nogi. My dear ¼ ancestor are permitted -to discuss about Hon. William Jenny Bryan -because of reverence for ancient history.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_172"></a>[172]</span></p> - -<p>“Hon. Thos. Lawson of Mass. have offer -$1,000,000 to Hon. Bryan to take it and be a Vice-President,” -say-he for news.</p> - -<p>“That price would be considerable circulation -for <i>The Commutor</i>, Hon. Bryan’s newspaper,” -I collide. “But could Hon. Bryan do so much -for so little?”</p> - -<p>“Honour of such office are beyond goldy riches,” -dib Uncle who is a farmer.</p> - -<p>“Honour of such office are beyond caring for,” -I notify for editorial sneers.</p> - -<p>“Was not Hon. Roosevelt once a Vice-President?” -corrode that relationship of mine.</p> - -<p>“Many poor boys has became famous,” I -supine. “Hon. Lincoln once splitted rails, Hon. -Gen. Grant once deliver kindling. Sometimes a -Vice-President, by willing-work industry can lift -self from mean & sordy surroundings which he -is in to position of self-respect & desensy.”</p> - -<p>“What are duties of Vice-Pres, if he got any?” -project that oldy man.</p> - -<p>“Following duties,” I say, “must be did by -him to make everything pleasant, etc.:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>1—He must be polite to superiors which is almost -everybody around Washington. He will get -great dissatisfaction if he ain’t.</p> - -<p>2—He must have neat appearance, including -brushed clothes & hair. He must not come<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_173"></a>[173]</span> -down to work without a collar on his neck. -Hon. Speaker of House can be very second-handed -in appearance & can eat chew-tobacco -before all; but Hon. Pres of Senate -should be at least respectable.</p> - -<p>3—He must go to work sharply by 8 o’clock -each weekly day. Sunday evenings he can -entertain quiet callers in his room.</p> - -<p>4—He must address Cabinet Members by their -full title, if they got it.</p> - -<p>5—He must not be seen talking with friends in -hallways or lobbies.</p> - -<p>6—He must not swear or wear profane neckties.</p> - -<p>7—He must be white-coloured American citizen -entirely over 21 years age & must be able to -write his name in plain business hand.</p> - -</div> - -<p>“Them is duties what a gentleman must do to -be a nice Vice-Pres of these U. S.,” I announce it.</p> - -<p>“Can not anybody do them jobs without -enjoying a strain?” ask Uncle Nichi who is -a bore.</p> - -<p>“Anybody can do them for a short time,” -I dib. “But man what can do them for 4 -years without some serious side-steps must be -a great hero to some extent.”</p> - -<p>“Such a mans is considerably limited by law,” -abstract-he.</p> - -<p>“Either by law or by nature,” I notate for yawns.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_174"></a>[174]</span></p> - -<p>(It shall be my duty to make some weep with -eye when Uncle Nichi depart away for dear -Japan; and yet I shall live beyond such sorrow.)</p> - -<p class="tb">Mr. Editor, I have a sad mania about that -Vice-President. All American school-books say: -“Office of President are highest gift within power -of people—office of Vice-President are next door -to it.” Office-rent should be very high & stylish -in such good neighbourhood.</p> - -<p>What, then, is the matter with this office that -so many respectable & wealthy statesmen refuses -to move in? Are gas-pipes in bad condition? -Do plumbing need attention to? Are Hon. -janitor careless about hot & cold water? Or -what?</p> - -<p>When Hon. Real Estate man have a office what -nobody will took he decorate it up with wall-paper, -etc., to look rich. Pretty soonly somebody -will be careless & take it. Are not U. S. Government -splandid enough business man to repair -Vice-President office so that it will not look so -dubyus? I require no answer.</p> - -<p>I am injured in nerve to see so many grand -Americans regarding that <i>To Let</i> sign with eye-wink. -Yet what-say following Statesmen about it?</p> - -<p>Hon. Cannon say: “I shall be old with dignity.”</p> - -<p>Hon. Fairbanks say: “I have tried it, thank you.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_175"></a>[175]</span></p> - -<p>Hon. Hughes say: “It are a hall-room.”</p> - -<p>Hon. Haze Hammond say: “Too much salary -for repairs.”</p> - -<p>Hon. Nox say: “I can hide elsewheres.”</p> - -<p>I am confused by such proud answers. To -Sydney Katsu, Jr., I inquire: “I can not understand -why persons refuses gifts what is offered -to take free.”</p> - -<p>“Sometimes it is done,” he reject coy.</p> - -<p>“Presidency of U. S. are greatest gift of American -people. Therefore it are like a barrel filled -with diamonds. If I could not got such a jewlery -should I not be gleeful to accept a barrel filled -with gold?” is question for me.</p> - -<p>“You might,” negotiate Sydney, “but you -might have shyness about accepting such a barrel -if it was filled with gold-bricks.”</p> - -<p>Sydney are a very bright Japanese soon to go -Harvard Colledge for learn more of it.</p> - -<p>Here is a slight lullaby to be chanted to children -when they are pained by tooth-cut and therefore -anxious about their politickal futures:</p> - -<h3><i>ROCKAWAY CRADLE SONG</i></h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Hush, Mr. Infant child,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Cease it!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Do not irritate your Parent with croup-signals and fret,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Or else do it silently.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Remain harmless a while</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_176"></a>[176]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">And I will make bright promuses</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Of future,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Which you must believe</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Because you are less intelligent.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">When you are a mans</div> - <div class="verse indent0">You must not strive</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To be President,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Because you can’t.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">You are not sufficiently beautiful,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">You are less gifted;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">How could child of such weak brain like you</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Get familiar with White House furniture</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And move Cabinets around?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">You have not got no Policies,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">You could not even scold a Colledge President!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Useless to hope!!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But refrain them tear-drop</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Because I got very nice job for you.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Hush, Mr. Infant child,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Repress a croup—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I will make you a gilt promus</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For future dates.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Some bye-bye time</div> - <div class="verse indent0">If you are always notable for quiet,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Never snap-out,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Never burst windows,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Never run away to study sea-sailing,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Never make bronco-noise</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And Wild West,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Never do nothing to nobody</div> - <div class="verse indent0">At no time—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Ah!!!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Your loving Parent have got a nice politickal reward for you!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Maybe-so</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_177"></a>[177]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">At Chicago Convention</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Of 1940</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When shouting are finished,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Excitement are discontinued,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Taft-flags has been all bursted by waving,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Everybody are fatigued out</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And Hon. Delegates are counting return tickets while sleeping—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then Hon. Fame, or Hon. Albany Gang,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Or Somebody,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Will point you out in dark corner</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And declaim for earnestness,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Accept this tag—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">You are It!”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then soonly on slate will be wrote:</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent6"><i>For Vice-President Hon. Hushabye Baby</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Applause from many ushers,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Yawns from all;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">You will get picture in papers</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And American Publick will decry:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“He got a face like a Trust.”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">So dream yet,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Childish infant,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And we will see what we can do</div> - <div class="verse indent0">About your future employment.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Mr. Editor, I notice something pathetick by all -newspaper-prints. I notice how all say: “Hon. -Roosevelt when he refuse to be a President 3 times -made a act of noble renunciation.” But what -they say about Hon. Fairbanks when he refuse<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_178"></a>[178]</span> -to be a Vice-President 2 times? They say nothing! -And yet were it not also a “noble act of -renunciation” for that lofty statesman to refuse -another run because he were afraid of becoming -too powerful? Of sure it was! Hon. Fairbanks -are a very Roman character by principals -& by residence in Indiana. If Hon. Roosevelt -can be noble, then Hon. Fairbanks can be noble -also—and yet newspaper children do not make -holler about it in streets. Hon. Fairbanks must -feel pretty fine inside chest to think how he done -a great deed & was a marter without nobody discovering -or even suspecting it.</p> - -<p>Hon. Washington say-so that a perpetual President -would be a King. What would a perpetual -Vice-President be then? Please answer by 2c -stamp which I have forgotten to put in.</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_179"></a>[179]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XX">XX<br> -<span class="smaller">MY CONCEPTION OF THE PRESIDENCY</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, July 25th.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To Editor New York Newspaper which are eeger to -make a fare judge for thoughts of all Great -Mans, however sneeking & hummbel they -may be:</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>—At same moment while I are -inking these thoughts for fond reminder, two -somewhat immortal Americans is listening for -formal announcement that they are expected to be -Presidents. They have got a slight suspicion that -maybe they was mentioned for some job, but it -would be very bad tasty for them to look otherwise -than surprise when Hon. Committee with flours -make step-up and say-out, “You are a Nominate!”</p> - -<p>Hon. Taft are at Warm Springs training for -strength so that he will not die a shocky death -when he learn this suddenly. At humbel village of -Lincoln, Neb., where Hon. Bryan live like a Grand -Duke of simple taste, that eminent representator of -Common Persons set by bay-window enjoying -nervous collapse.</p> - -<p>“Set quiet, Hon. Wm., and look courageous like<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_180"></a>[180]</span> -a photo,” say Hon. Wife to be. “Tumult & shouting -die and who knows what?” “I are strangely -disturb,” say Wm., arranging his face to look like -a famous Roman janitor. “Something tell me -that maybe I are nominate to highest office in gift of -Tammany Hall. Pretty soonly Hon. Committee -must come riding up-hill to say it, and I hope -they will be darnly quick about it. At first I -must be astonished speechless—but I can seldom -remain long in such a conditions. I must hesitate -& comprise myself with slightly cracked voice for -emotion, then I must read typewritten address -of 280,000 words of a entirely impromptu nature. -O surely Politicks is filled with surprises!”</p> - -<p>Mr. Editor, some weeks in passed-by Hon. Taft -& Hon. Bryan wrote a delicious page of large tipe -for your paper on subjeck, “My Conception -of the Presidency.” Of surely them two Presidents -know what-is they are talking about. -Speeches of Hon. Taft is found in rolls of Fame, -and speeches of Hon. Bryan is found in rolls of -Edison Phonograf. And yet there was something -deceptive & sidewise about them articles they -wrote for your paper because they sounded so. -Hon. Taft say:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>A President should be like Hon. Roosevelt, only less so. -He should be like a piano of upright build with some grand -square qualities. He should be the First Magistrate and also<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_181"></a>[181]</span> -the Principal Policeman in the kingdom. He should be good -as he are lonesome. He should treat all Trusts in a beastly -manner and uphold Truth & Justice so long as it do not hurt -National Prosperity. I shall do all these things, thank you, -orders promptly attended to, telephone service day & night. -Also I shall look just as much like Hon. Abe Lincoln as health -& strength will permit me to do it.</p> - -</div> - -<p>Hon. Bryan say:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>A President should be like Hon. Theodore Roosevelt only -more so. Malefactors, etc., needs not cringe off from me for -fearful that I will burn up America when I am elected. Because -I can’t. A President are only a bluff. He don’t amount to a -rolling-pin. Hon. American Govt. are a system of checks & -balances, so a President are deliciously powerless when he -wish to reform it. I promise to be helpless as possible. Could -I reform Hon. Currancy from jaggy path of debochery by -feeding him Gold Cure or something? Ah no! What could I -do with them naughty Currency when Senator Alrich are -tempting him away with rakish eye-wink? To increase weakness -of my position I am willing to consult Hon. Vice-President -on all matters of no importance and talk kindly to him on -National subjecks where common-sense are not expected. I -believe in deep breathing & outdoor exercise, but I are cross -about that woolley tariff of sheep and should be insulted if -offered a second term. Otherways I are willing to act like a -Majority on all occasions and what I think about Brownsvill -Affair are a matter of private conscience which I refuse to -discuss by advice of Hon. Campaign Manager.</p> - -</div> - -<p>Mr. Editor, I entertain some scolds for you. -How sinful to ask them there Hon. Candidates -to write such opinions! When a man expect to -be a President do you expect him to tell the<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_182"></a>[182]</span> -candied truth about what he think of the job? -When a man are nominate for Dog Catcher he -are often sly and deceptive before election—how -then you expect a Nominee for Pres. of the U. S. -to make crystal speeches which might be saw -through at once and spoil everything? Nobody -what are wistful about a job will tell exact truth -about what he think. If I ask for job of Hon. -Window Wash at Mills Bldg & Janitor Boss say: -“Hashimura, told me transparently what you -think of this job”—what I answer for reply? -I-say: “It are a very delicate job of extreme -fineness. It are a high-horse privilege for Japanese -Boy to be able wash windows for Hon. Mills. -Though it require great skill & couredge to shine -such lofty glass pains, yet I flatten myself that -I got such a power more briskly than other Japanese -Boys which is apt to be laxy in sense of duty -where it should be tightest. Hon. Janitor, I -feel myself unworthy of such a jobs, yet I know -I ain’t. Therefore give it to me because of merit.”</p> - -<p>I say all them things, Mr. Editor, because I am -a candidate for them high post of Window Wash. -Therefore I am prejudicial about it. But if Hon. -Janitor ask Cousin Nogi, who do not desire such -a jobs because of his lazy spine, what-say Cousin -Nogi? He-say: “A Window Wash require some -muscles, but very little intelligence. Hashimura<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_183"></a>[183]</span> -Togo are not safe to stand on such a altitudes -because he thinks poems; therefore if he gets it -he will swim off of 10th story window & burst -his fooly neck.”</p> - -<p>Hon. Taft & Hon. Bryan are too sympathetick -with such jobs to talk straight. Why not ask -some gentlemans what never expects to be White -Housers to give view on Presidency? Hon. Hearst -on “My Conception of the Presidency” would be -very bright & could get Hon. Brisbane to write it -for him. Hon. Alt. Parker, Hon. Patty McCarren, -or Hon. John Wanamaker would talk deliciously -true & sinical. But do not ask Hon. Forker, -please, because he would write it “My Conception -of the President” & decuss other nigger problems -which are no longer a delicacy.</p> - -<p class="tb">I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, where I go for -get my cheek whittled, say-me: “Who could -express such a conception about being a Pres., and -not lie about it?”</p> - -<p>“I could,” is answer for me. “I am best -befatted for such a talk because I are -entirely unsympathetick & not entitle to a -white vote like Hon. Booker Washington and -other darks.”</p> - -<p>“Why you no write such a conception for -newspaper?” is snuggestion from him.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_184"></a>[184]</span></p> - -<p>“I are not yet requested,” is erupt from me.</p> - -<p>“You are a modish violet,” is vocal from Hon. -Suds. “Therefore say it secretly.”</p> - -<p>“If I was President,” I rake out, “I should be -divided into 2 parts. The ½ part of me should -be radikal & kind of dangerous; but the other ½ -portion should safely set upon the Constitution -and keep it pressed.”</p> - -<p>“Would such a double lives be decent?” commit -Hon. Anazuma.</p> - -<p>“In such high positions, yes,” I dabble. “A -ideel Pres. of these U. S. should be a cross between -Theodore Roosevelt & Chester A. Arthur. -With one hand he should affectionately protect -the interests of the People while with the other -he should be nice to the people of the Interests. -If it are necessary for him to be 2 places at once -he must go there. When requested he must attend -a Idaho Miners’ Noyesy Barbecue full of -malice for them Hon. Malefactors; but he must -not neglect a invitation to Insurance Scandalous -Banquet where he can set by Hon. Paul Morton -and talk like a Injunction.”</p> - -<p>“So shocky!” say I. Anazuma with razor. “It -are shamefully difficult to shave such a two-faced -Japanese.”</p> - -<p>“In antique times of pagan Rome,” I dib, “there -was a deliciously heathen god named January who<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_185"></a>[185]</span> -was able to look in 2 directions with a double -face. On one side he had a face like Hon. Judge -Landis, on the other a expression like Hon. Judge -Grosscup. When malefactors of great wealth -go to Judge Landis side of them two-face idol -they was filled with shivvers because of their sinful -rebates; so they crawl around to Judge Grosscup -side and was forgiven. But when malefactors -of great poverty get in front of them Grosscup face -to make kick against Olive Oil Trust, they almost -went to jail for their crimes, so they hurry around -to Judge Landis face and was comforted to know -that taking rebates from Harriman was sinnier -than taking silverware from a Soldiers’ Home.”</p> - -<p>“I am delicious to know,” say Hon. Anazuma -who are studying to be a Y. M. C. A., “that them -heathen idol January were bursted by hatchets of -early Christian parents.”</p> - -<p>“He were finally bursted,” I rebuke, “but he -last for several 1000’s of year & were a nicely -successful god. He were popular like a circus -for long lines of Hon. Politicians what wish to -learn-how. What-say Mr. Vergil, famous Roman -poeter, about them god January? He-say, ‘Get -there, January!’ which have been a politickal -motto every since.”</p> - -<p>“Have that disgusting January got any temples -in America?” require Hon. Anazuma.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_186"></a>[186]</span></p> - -<p>“In Pennsylvania State Capitol there is pagan -pictures of Hon. Mat Quay and other local gods,” -I dib deceptively. “I shall not be wonderful if -portrait of Hon. January are grafted among nearly -everything else in that famous art saloon.”</p> - -<p>“When you are President how you stand on -publick ownership of R. Rs?” require Hon. Barb.</p> - -<p>“About publick ownership I are safely insane,” -I report. “Publick should be allowed to own -R. R. gradually. With each Pullman ticket Hon. -Passenger might get a blue transfer which entitle -him to 1 share R. R. stock if he present it at office -of Sec. of Agriculture 2,000,000 years from date.”</p> - -<p>“Would American people get such a ownership -then?” ask he.</p> - -<p>“What say Wm. Jenny Bryan about publick -ownership?” I reject. “He-say, ‘Publick ownership -of R. Rs must take place in eventual time,’ -Them 2,000,000 years from date will be a ‘eventual -time,’ won’t it not?”</p> - -<p>“In 2,000,000 year what would American publick -own?” are question for Anazuma.</p> - -<p>“At least they would own them blue transfer -slips,” I renig with deceptive expression of a -Campaign Contribution.</p> - -<p class="tb">Late Sunday <span class="allsmcap">P. M.</span> Arthur Kickahajama give -to me for Campaign Contribution a live dog which<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_187"></a>[187]</span> -is a Hon. Pup. It are a very infant mammal -with a emotional tail and cultivated by flees. -Arthur rescue them Dog while being kicked from -a wharf by a educated gentleman who was drunk.</p> - -<p>“It are a vulgar variety,” I snip for objection -because I are nervous about expensive food for -such a dum friend.</p> - -<p>“It may grow up to be refined,” say Arthur -carelessly.</p> - -<p>“What breed of Dog are it?” is next fuss from -me.</p> - -<p>“Not certainly sure,” say Arthur. “Hon. -Strunsky who are a sport say ‘It are a he-dog,’ -so I suppose it are such a breed.”</p> - -<p>I regard this Hon. Pup with thoughts. He -throw me a very doggy gaze & thump banzai on -floor with his snubbed appendix. My heart -become soft-boiled with love. I can’t not turn a -dog away in such a hot weather when he are apt -to be bit by a rabbi & get it. So I possess him -by chains and enjoy worry about his breed which -are full of spots with a bursted ear.</p> - -<p>S. Wanda, Japanese Socialist, say he should -be named “Tariff” because he need revising immediately. -Cousin Nogi announce, “He should -be named ‘Injunction’ because he were kicked off -a platform.”</p> - -<p>“I shall not call such names to a mere dog,”<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_188"></a>[188]</span> -I gratify. “Therefore I shall chrisen him -‘O-Fido’ what was name of a famous Japanese -grocer what live happy for 1,000 year and died -from being too joyful.”</p> - -<p>So I got O-Fido in bedstead with me where -he practise barks at Hon. Rats all night till -Japanese persons sleeping in this house can not -do so & report tearful complaints to Hon. Landlord -who is a malefactor & say: “You are a -nusance besides 3-week remit with rent.” Moral -of this is: Be kind to them dum beasts & you -will get paid off.</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<p>S. P.—Who will be the First Baby in the Land -now that Quentin Roosevelt have refused a -Third Term? Little Charlie Taft are studying -childish pranks so he can hold them position -of Publick Cuteness. Hon. Steam Shovelers’ -Union of Panama is first to give Hon. Taft a -union card. Hon. Steam Rollers’ Union should -be ashamed of their slowness!</p> - -<p class="right">H. T.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_189"></a>[189]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXI">XXI<br> -<span class="smaller">HOW AMERICAN ADVERTISEMENT DOES IT</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, July 28th.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To Editor New York Newspaper who might -know list of peculiarities.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dear Mr. Sir</span>—Please to ask some of your -customers who read that dear paper to tell -one necessary reply to poor Japanese Boy who -is again in condition of not working. Please ask -them how best for cheap money I can advertise -myself as needing situation of employment at -wash-dishes, table-wait, being valet or teaching -American language to Japanese or German -foreigners. I put in the following itemized appeal -into San Francisco newspaper-press:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p><span class="smcap">Wanted</span>—Japanese Schoolboy is earnest about something -to do, and can speeck Japanese or American while -doing so. Can make beds politely, cherish house-plants and -assist cow or horse of good family. I perform most difficult -duties when confined to kitchen and can persuade Pianola to -go when excited. Answer it immediately. Maybe that will -be too late—Response, Togo, this news.</p> - -</div> - -<p>That correspondence cost me price of $1.85 -obtained by borrowing. I am depressed about -results and confused to think. This morning<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_190"></a>[190]</span> -I see that advertise in newspaper-press where I -put it. But sakes of life! how difficult to see it! -I look in Wanting Column of this journal-paper -and find such disgusting number of persons was -pleading for jobs and was crowding all over that -page saying so about it. Very few of these offered -to do such talented things like I did. And yet I -was No. 114 in that list of workers! It is very -difficult for pride of Japanese Boy to read about -himself in such small print.</p> - -<p>Of suddenly I enjoy one serious brain-thought. -Advertising is one beautiful national custom -which Japanese Boy must learn before becoming -complete. It is habit of these U. S. persons to -print statements of their virtues and hand it -around. In Japan when spring of love-time come -along persons deliver little lily-pad plants to -doorstep and remind friends of their aliveness. -In these U. S. persons at approach of springtime -deliver advertisement-circular for same reason. -Hon. Dr. Smith, dentist, leave to doorstep of dear -friend following card:</p> - -<p class="center">DO YOU ENJOY TOOTHACHE?</p> - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Dr. Smith Pulls Teeths From Experience</span></p> - -<p class="center">GET THE HABIT!!!</p> - -<p>Each gentleman indulging in art or business -do likesome to any extent. Gentlemen wishing<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_191"></a>[191]</span> -to succeed in poetry, plumbing, clergyman or -eye-wash medicine must put-in some kind of -holler about it.</p> - -<p>Landscapes is good for these decorations.</p> - -<p>In travelling through American scenery by -rail-car I can not interest my brain-thoughts in -birds & flowers because of large conversation -which persons has painted all over nature. By -sweet runny-brook is sign-post of fierce red to -say, “Sizzo Table Water. It is Sufficient.” By -grandeur of top-mountain is reckless blue motto, -“Circulation of <i>Daily Bazoo</i> Is Making Climb -Up.” By lovely oat-patch is signature, “Mormon -Oats—They Chew Themselves.” Meadow -of grass is full with gigantic hop-frogs, aggrevated -bottles, magnificent lady-corsets, etc., which -eminent American sculptors has cut out with -saws. Nature is somewhere behind these, but -what is she doing? Maybe she is trying to grow.</p> - -<p>Frequent professors say-so about American -Indians talking with sign-language. Is that it -what I seen?</p> - -<p>Sidney Katsu, light-thinking Japanese of considerable -deceptiveness, say to me of recent date:</p> - -<p>“Hon. Togo, you hear what-about has happen -to American battle-fleet?”</p> - -<p>“Tell me to know,” I renig with excitement, -because I am Japanese Spy.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_192"></a>[192]</span></p> - -<p>“So much is them war-boats painted of white -colour they will be used for advertisements when -approaching to China,” deliver this Katsu.</p> - -<p>“Oh not to be possible!” I collapse, “what -advertisement will be decorated upon this patriotic -navy?”</p> - -<p>“Following words will there be painted upon -each white-side boat,” commute Katsu and show -this card:</p> - -<p class="center">THIS FLEET IS PAINTED WITH<br> -SNOWDRIFT ENAMEL PAINT<br> -<span class="smcap">Try It on Your Bath-tub</span>!!!</p> - -<p>Shall I believe this calamity to American navy, -Mr. Editor? I am disgusted to suspect that -fly-off brain of Sidney Katsu. Some one has -reached him to tell lying talk, American custom.</p> - -<p>It is sinful to legal laws of America for poets, -actoresses, politicians, burglary and other authors -to put-in advertisements about theirselves. So -it is difficulty for them. And yet they do it. -How so? By becoming so active that newspaper-print -is irrisistable to talk about it. Maybe -actoress lose jewel-clasp. Burglary take it. She -report as follows, “Oh my!”</p> - -<p>“What is difficulty of health, Hon. Madam?” -require reporter gentleman who is there.</p> - -<p>“I have losed it my jewel-clasp,” she defy.</p> - -<p>“Thank you for knowledge,” personify this<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_193"></a>[193]</span> -Hon. Reporter, “While you are speeching about, -tell me of your marriages, please, as well as of -other family disconnections.”</p> - -<p>So loud report of one column duration appear -by next news-print. Maybe lady noveletter name -of Mrs. McGlinny come over to here from kingdom -of London with book by title “Three Months.” -She enjoy great quiet, thank you, for that length of -time. At finally “Mothers of Rebellion,” sweet-hearted -collection of ladies, decry, “Come and -speech before us at dine-table, please.”</p> - -<p>“So pleasant to do,” digest this Hon. Mrs. -McGlinny. “I will speech of what happened in -them 3 months.”</p> - -<p>“Oh, not to do!” abrupt them mothers. “We -do not permit such talk before husbands, please.”</p> - -<p>“O considerably well!” dement Mrs. McGlinny, -striking piano with angry rage. Immediately -she make rapid transit to newspaper press. Some -talk is made with reporter and by following morning -the below headlines is to appear:</p> - -<p class="center">SUCH HORRID BOOK!</p> - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Is “Three Months” Thus?</span></p> - -<p class="center">IT IS; AND WE WILL GIVE PRIZES TO PERSON<br> -WHO READS IT LEAST</p> - -<p>By next morning one thousand million copy -of this book is entirely exhausted and publisher -is despondent because so fatigued.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_194"></a>[194]</span></p> - -<p>From Boston I discover this communication -which cover ½ page of all-American newspaper:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>“<span class="smcap">American citizens are you all-time -foolish? Hon. Abe Lincoln say you are -considerably so. I agree to this, thank -you! Then why you no buy stocks when I -told you it was? I enquire did I not told -you how stock market would do something -soon? It done something. Did I not told -you amalgamation of copper would go to -somewhere? It follow that program. Then -bought as much as convenient please, or -else sell or do something!!!</span></p> - -<p>“<span class="smcap">Take advice for it. You are in finger-nails -of sharks. System, that hard-eye system, -will squeeze, squeeze till blood-drop -refuses to enjoy pain. Therefore, do it -now!</span></p> - -<p>“<span class="smcap">I will speech one last word before saying -more. On afternoon of Feb. 22 keep -eye-watch on tick-tock of stock. If -nothing happen then it will be postponed.</span></p> - -<p>“<span class="smcap">I often tell you to think. That will be -good practice. Persons enjoying wealth is -recommended to invest it. Persons having -none is advised to keep it.</span></p> - -<p class="right">“<span class="smcap">Thomas W. Lawson.</span>”</p> - -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_195"></a>[195]</span></p> - -<p>This letter of correspondence is wrote by -memory. Perhaps it is wrong in places. I am -often wonderful about this Hon. Lawson man. -Is he running for President or merely for fun? -I ask to know.</p> - -<p>So this American kingdom go rapidly with speed -because of steam of them advertising. American -gentleman enjoys great smartness inside of brain. -He say “No use of doing nothing for nobody if -nobody knows.” So type-setting, bill-stucking, -paint-drawing is done. Violets is permitted to -blush behind something in these U.S. They usually -does this blushing performance behind sign-board -saying “50c per bunch.” If Hon. Lawson, Hon. -Bryan, Hon. Kipling can not get jobs of employment -without some advertisement, how can Japanese -Boy do so? This question make me put in -that item of ideas to wanting-column of news.</p> - -<p>Maybe it will be responded for. I am patient -to hope.</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<p>S. P.—Labouring Unions of Pacific Coast -decry with voice, “Japanese is taking all variety -of jobs from persons of white extraction.” Maybe -so. But I have not been very fortunate in this -branch of Yellow Peril, thank you.</p> - -<p class="right">H. T.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_196"></a>[196]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXII">XXII<br> -<span class="smaller">OLYMPUS GAMES AND INTERNATIONAL CEMENT</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, August 2d.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>Editor New York Newspaper who are printed -in several colours & deliver to doorstoop of -Japanese Schoolboy filled with bright jokes -& other serious thought.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Sir</span>—For objeck of putting cement on -affectionate relations between them loving relatives, -America & Gt. Britten, there have been an -entirely worldly feet-race and amateur circus shot -off in England & called Olympus Games. Every -branches of trapeez, handspring & strength -exercises was indulged in for friendly rivalry. -As result of them friendly rivalry Hon. Jim -Bryce are enjoying some international strains -in Washington, Hon. Whitelaw Reid are -sorry he ever became a Brittish subjeck -and Congress have ordered Hon. Hobson -to build several <i>Dreadnothings</i> and be quick -about it.</p> - -<p>Never yet have I heard two respecktable -temperance kingdoms using such National League -language upon each other without following some<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_197"></a>[197]</span> -hostile demonstrations by land & sea. O surely -war must follow! Did not Mr. Monroe in his -famous Doctoring pledge to proteck American -subjecks from bunko & outrage on foren shore? -Do not the great Maggie Carter, famous document -signed by King John, promus justice to all Brittish -subjecks not of Irish birth? Then why should -not America & England enjoy some more family -splits? Why should not Adm. Thos. Lipton -bring regatta of war-boats into N. Y. bay & seize -Y. M. C. A. Athletick Club as spoil of war while -America fleet are away shaking hands with -Australia?</p> - -<p>I require no answer.</p> - -<p>Them Olympus Games are a great event for -all Nationalities with excepting of Japanese -who is too civilized to enjoy such rude fights. -Such games is a considerable antique, for -they was invented at Battle of Marathon in a -previous <span class="allsmcap">B. C.</span> time. On them occasion a -Grecian boy run 27 mile to get away from -Hon. Persians & was declare a champion by -Honduras, mayor of Athens.</p> - -<p>This year it were decide to hold them Olympus -games at England, because English athletes can -win nearly everything when surrounded by Brittish -sentiment with sufficient Police near to see that all -rules is broken in a quiet & orderly manner.<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_198"></a>[198]</span> -Before Hon. Games was shot off Hon. Brittish -Athletick Committee set together for regulation of -events. Following were decide on by dignified -majority:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>1—English spirit of fair play must be visible -everywheres. Hon. Judge must be just to -all nations so long as England are ahead.</p> - -<p>2—When England are losing Hon. Judge can -prevent this by ruling Americans out of race -for ungentlemanly conduct.</p> - -<p>3—When American athlete are doing some up-jump -exercises British publick are warned -not to assist him by courteous remarks. -When compelled to speak they will be permitted -to say “Boo!” “Obtain a horse!” -or other wits of local flavour.</p> - -<p>4—Since Hon. America has got a rawcuss voice -several disputes is bound to occur. So long -as such fights is Parlamentry & corteous, -we do not objeck to it. Therefore we -snuggest following form of debate for all -disputes:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p><i>Hon. American Committee</i>—Why you dishqualify -American run-man from 400-meater race?</p> - -<p><i>Hon. Brittish Committee</i>—Because he are a fraud -of considerable professional trix. Also we -suspect he murder his mother in Omaha.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_199"></a>[199]</span></p> - -<p><i>Hon. Am. Com.</i>—When you begin to suspect -all them horble crime against that young -man?</p> - -<p><i>Hon. Brit. Com.</i>—When he got 50 yard ahead of -Brittish runner in race.</p> - -<p><i>Hon. Am. Com.</i>—Will you permit-it for Hon. -America run-man to race it again & show how -swiftly he can?</p> - -<p><i>Hon. Brit. Com.</i>—Answer is, No!! Because he -could run several footsteps better than Hon. -Brittish run-man who would be beat. It are -slavish to be beat. Brittens seldom shall be -slaves.</p> - -<p><i>Hon. Am. Com.</i>—If our runs is the swiftest should -they not have the most medals pinned all over -them?</p> - -<p><i>Hon. Brit. Com.</i>—The race are not always for -the swiftest, Hon. Sir—not while Brittish -gods are ruling Olympus!</p> - -</div> - -<p>5—After above dyelog rioting, cat-calling & -other sports shall be enjoyed & American -athletes can go home or to any other blazes -they seen fit.</p> - -</div> - -<p>While attempting a slumber on couch of room -Uncle Nichi & Cousin Nogi come in & make a -joint debate with loud voices, which is very carelus -about my health.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_200"></a>[200]</span></p> - -<p>“Hon. London <i>Times</i> decuss 400-meater-run -in an entirely Christian way,” corrode Uncle -Nichi who lacks dog-sense like O-Fido. “Them -great & pompus news-print say: ‘It were a unfortunate -incident—therefore it are closed.’”</p> - -<p>“London <i>Times</i> know-how to be nice to -Americans on all occasions,” explode Nogi. “She -speak of 400-meater run like she speak of Revolutional -War & other uncleaned things.”</p> - -<p>“America beat English in Revolutional War,” -rasp Uncle for discovery.</p> - -<p>“Of sure she did,” obligate Nogi, “but on them -occasion she was the home team. If such a wars -had been fot on Brittish soil maybe Hon. -Geo. Washington would of been dishqualified -for crowding Gen. Corn Wallace off track. -Facts of history is often shaved by such close -razors.”</p> - -<p>“Sport between such great nations should be -gentle & just, whitewashed with truth & free of -grafts,” commute Unc.</p> - -<p>“So should Christianity, Socialism & Hearst -Independence Leg,” otter Nogi, “but are they?”</p> - -<p>“Them great kingdoms should meet in a -amature spirit,” I gap, because can’t sleep by -racket.</p> - -<p>“What you mean by ‘amature spirit’?” require -Nichi.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_201"></a>[201]</span></p> - -<p>“When Primrose Athletick Club & Telegraf -Hill Wonders meet in vacated lot to -enjoy baseball, then amature spirit are -observed,” say Nogi. “Hon. Casey go to bat-stick. -Some ball-throws is indulged for vain -clubbing. ‘Outside, please!’ yall Hon. Empire. -‘Liar, please!’ jacklate Primrose Athleticks in -unicorn. Language is thrown everywheres followed -by bat-sticks, grand-stands, etc., which is -beaten upon skull until intermission by Hon. -Police.”</p> - -<p>“And yet should civilized persons feel so bleed-thirsty -about innocent & friendly sport?” ask -Uncle to know.</p> - -<p>“More fraxures, murders, assault & batters, -divorces & strangles is caused by innocent & -friendly sport than by jelousy, love, maniac, -drunk & any other branch of crime excepting -of Life Insurance. Look on blotter of Hon. -Crime Court & see what blots appear there for -following crimes:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>Hon. Pat Sweeney, occupation brick-batter—crime, -justifiable homocide on innocent & -friendly Umpire who decide against home -team. Discharged with honour.</p> - -<p>Hon. Aug. Smutz, occupation German—crime, -shoot and chop-up best friend while try to<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_202"></a>[202]</span> -teech him innocent & friendly game of pinocle. -Hanged because poor.</p> - -<p>Hon. Archybald Smith, occupation Pickle Trust—crime, -knocking brains from a clergy with a -mallet because he cheet in innocent & friendly -game of crokay. Saved by unwritten law -& 6 weeks in Mattywan with French chef.</p> - -<p>Hon. J. D. Rockpiler, occupation grand larceny—crime, -giving rebates to a golf-caddy. -Fine, $29,000,000 with liberal discount in -Court of Peals.</p> - -<p>Hon. Mrs. Wilkins, occupation social vagrant—crime, -bridge-play while house was afire & -husband broiled. Discharged by advice of -husband who was a first offense.</p> - -<p>Hon. Eli. McYale, alias “Spud,” alias “Locomotive,” -alias “Kangaroo,” occupation college-student—crime, -feetball with intent to -kill. Out on bale till after feetball season -when he will come back, please, and be -electrocuted.</p> - -<p>Hon. Ripi Gavotti & Hon. Peter Hooley, occupation -neighbours—crime, mayhem committed -while watching a innocent & friendly dog-fight. -Hon. Gavotti bite away ear from -Hon. Hooley to prove he got the most intelligent -dog. Prisoners discharged by Judge -who also love dogs.</p> - -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_203"></a>[203]</span></p> - -<p>When Uncle Nichi hear-it all them record of -horble crimes he become seriously Japanese.</p> - -<p>“O-so!” he-say, “Must there be a war between -America & England because of a mere feet-race?”</p> - -<p>“If a mere feet-race can’t start a war, nothing -can. Who can imagine them two great & dignified -peoples making such hell-baloo over seal-fisheries -or boundery-line between U. S. & Canada -or small trifle like annexation of Ireland? Did -Brittish publick stand around and yall ‘Boo!’ -to rattle American diplomat during contest of Hay-Pauncefaute -treaty? Ah no! But when a craven -foe land on Brittish soil to peril sacred rite of hop-skip-and-jump -what son of Brittania so callus not -to scream?”</p> - -<p>“I got a poem,” I say for headache. “It -sound delicious in Japanese—therefore excuse -following translation:</p> - -<h3><i>INTERNATIONAL CEMENT</i></h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The Lion to the Eagly say, “We two is one same feather;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">We done too much of sware & fite—now let us play together.”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">So on them nice Olympus road they meet some games to try out—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The Eagly-bird he watch his chance & scrape them Lion’s eye out.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“Fowl play!” all Lion Cubs they cry; so all them beasts they pair off</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And Lion claws make feathers fly while Eagly’s tear-off hair-off.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_204"></a>[204]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Them Lion-dog make rory-rores as in the race he led off</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And when he reach the second lap he eat them Eagly’s head off.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The Birds & Beasts of all the world they cry with looks appealing,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“O such a comick way to start a Era of Good Feeling!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“It once was ‘Hands Across the Sea—’ but now we got the notion</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That all the instinck that they got is ‘Claws Across the Ocean.’</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“There’s nothing like them Ties of Blood to keep such friends together—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">There goes the Lion’s other eye—there goes a Eagly feather!”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">And so they fot till they was weak, and then they sadly went off</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To count their scratches, dress their wounds—and pick that darn Cement off.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Mr. Editor, entire trouble with them Olympus -games was that American athletes was handicapped -by English sense of Fair Play which are a -famous & sacred thing & will stop at nothing -when it get a chance. English Fair Play have -always been a deliciously important fackter in her -Colonial Policy. It were that same holy fire what -give to America a Stamp Act & Taxation without -Representations; send Lord Clive on famous -jewel-robberies among Moguls what was entirely -pagan & needed doing; force hon. opium-smoke -down palate of Hon. China so she would sleep -better; and sley Mary, Queen of Scotch, with a -hatchet because she live in the suburbs.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_205"></a>[205]</span></p> - -<p>What-say renewed Irish Orator about England. -He-say, “O perfidious Albino!” I am sly about -repeating such mean curses.</p> - -<p>Strength of Hon. England are this: she can lie -longer, steal stronger & look more respectable -than any other ancient Nation now living. -America is filled with disgusting Grafts, but -Hon. England have got only a House of Lords -decorated with coated arms & vested rights. -London are poplus with Life Insurance Presidents -disguised as Missionaries. If Jo-uncle -Cannon had a accent made in Oxford & a suit -of clothing made in Hanover Square he would -not need to change his politicks before setting -in the House of Lords. I are very nervous -about England’s soul.</p> - -<p>Cousin Nogi, who partly agree with me in some -things, say, “I are joyfully congratulated not to -be mixed up in such Olympus affairs.”</p> - -<p>“English sense of Fair Play are a joke,” I scorch.</p> - -<p>“Perhapsly that are why it are took so seriously -in England,” make-up Nogi.</p> - -<p>Hoping you are the same,</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<p>S. P.—O-Fido, Hon. Pup to which I belong, -show symptom of being a dash-hound.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_206"></a>[206]</span></p> - -<p>“Call him Cassius,” say Sydney Katsu, Jr. -“Why-it?” is inquiry for me.</p> - -<p>“Hon. Shakespeare say about Cassius, ‘In him -the elements so mixed up that all-world might -stand around & say, “This was a dog.”’”</p> - -<p class="right">H. T.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_207"></a>[207]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXIII">XXIII<br> -<span class="smaller">OUTSIDE EXERCISES FOR HEALTH</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, August 22d.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>Editor N. Y. Newspaper who must attend to spin-around -of world while others fish.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>—Year of America are divided into -2 sessions: Winter & Summer. Winter are -devote to acquiring disease inside; Summer are -devote to getting rid of them outside. Winter are -dedicate to serious pursuit of money; Summer are -devote to fooly pursuit of rest. Both are good -ways to know and increase Hon. Death Rates.</p> - -<p>Predatory gentlemans what are rich enough to -agree with Hon. Judiciary about Injunctions, etc., -can afford some French-speaking automobiles of -60 horse-power and go out for pursue a rest. -Man who break Interstate Commerce law a little -while can break speed-law the rest of his entire -existence. I know because I watch him.</p> - -<p>Americans go for rest with energy of human -bullets. Japanese Schoolboy stand by side of -roadside & shelter self from strokes by raspberry -trees. Soonly there is a red whizz passing. It -are a automobile of French extraction and Irish<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_208"></a>[208]</span> -disposition. By front seat sets fatty gentleman -who is a owner of some trusts, because he look -like it. Nearly to him sets Hon. Chaffer clasping -teeth for nerves.</p> - -<p>“What speedometer is it?” ask Hon. Truster -eating some dust.</p> - -<p>“60-mile hourly we are going it,” say-he with -wheels.</p> - -<p>“Extreme slowness,” derange Hon. Finance.</p> - -<p>More pushes by gasolene.</p> - -<p>“Of what speedness now?” examine them Trust -Magnet.</p> - -<p>“75 mile horse-power,” say Hon. Chaffer with -lung.</p> - -<p>“Exaggerate it!” elapse Hon. Boss for mania.</p> - -<p>Hon. Chaffer try-to, but Hon. Car make angry -rage of cogs & do an explosion by fence where -fraxions must be collected patiently. Injury is -enjoyed by all passengers who is afar off among -clover-field where they flew to.</p> - -<p>I am a hospital corps to that very ill Trust & -await to interview him with bandages.</p> - -<p>“Where was you going so hasty?” is first question -for me.</p> - -<p>“Not sure,” say-he, “but I was rapidly -approaching there.”</p> - -<p>“What was you looking after so whizzy?” -negotiate me.</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp45" id="illus14" style="max-width: 26.5625em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus14.jpg" alt=""> - <p class="caption">“‘I have a developed chest already,’ snuggest Hon. Taft”</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_209"></a>[209]</span></p> - -<p>“A rest,” he corrode for dying smiles.</p> - -<p>“You have found it too suddenly,” I commute -with epitaph expressions. “Therefore you may -rest in fractions.”</p> - -<p class="tb">Mr. Editor, to remain good-healthy it are nice -to choose some exercise what you will not be killed -by. Motor-car axidents, although a very wealthy -sport, are a too violent physical culture for Japanese -Boy who would prefer to be alive & slightly -sick much rather than to be dead & in splandid -muscular condition. Considerable Heroes of -antiques has did jiu jitsu to Tyrants and yet been -entirely ignorant of Hon. Spalding’s Feetball -Guide. But them things happened in very former -times.</p> - -<p>Shortly ago I become nervous about high education -of brain. “I must see some scholars doing -it,” I narrate to myself; so for car-fare I go visit -one intelligent Red Colledge what are nearly -here. When I approach near to campuss I am -aware of excitable sing-song of loud mail voices -saying something together.</p> - -<p>“So lofty!” I dib. “They are resighting passages -of Grecian poetry in chorus so they all will -get 100% mark for classick examination!” -I make excited breath & hurry foots to where it -happen.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_210"></a>[210]</span></p> - -<p>There beholt! was all young youths of this Red -Colledge stooding together for wave of danger-signal -flags & saying following rotation for voice-culture:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“Hurrah! Hurrah!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Play glibly</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And do more of!!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">O!!!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Such a bully for you!”</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>(Repeat this several times for imagination.)</p> - -<p>And by opposite chairs was setting a Blue Colledge -with appropriate shade of wave-flag with -which they make wigwag signals to following -rotation for voice-culture:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“Sissy-boom!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">What is wrong with us?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">By investigation we find</div> - <div class="verse indent0">We are considerably all right—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Therefore Hurrah HURRAH!!”</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>On smooth place between grandstands was -2 teams of red & blue baseballers playing it with -batty acrobaticks. One youngful man containing -red sox was considerably idealized by Red Colledge -because he was a Hon. Pitch and could act deceptively -while shooting fastly to Hon. Catch. When -Hon. Bat would make swipe-stick knocks at Hon. -Ball what go by without injury, then entirely that -Red Colledge would scream up, “O Smith, Smith, -you are so good to do it!!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_211"></a>[211]</span></p> - -<p>When Hon. Blue Runner would attempt to slide -on knuckles & Hon. Red Pitch would observe -him with deceptive throw, then such banzais from -Hon. Red Colledge what would hoola out loud, -“Hurrah some more for Hon. Smith who deserve -it!”</p> - -<p>I stand by-next to one Hon. Professor what was -also shouting with gilt spectacles.</p> - -<p>“Mr. Sir,” I commune, “why this Colledge -make such proud whoop-up for that Smith youth, -please?”</p> - -<p>“Hon. Smith are most smartest man in Colledge,” -say Hon. Professor with surprise for -ignorance.</p> - -<p>“Ah!” I collide. “So thankful to see such a -leader of thought! By what branches of brain do -he most exsel in these classick hallways of Mrs. -Minerva?”</p> - -<p>“He are a hundred yard dasher of 9 seconds, he -are a pole-jump of 12 feet, for 2 years he play -short-stop on feetball game and can throw a spitting -baseball in circles around all batty athletes.”</p> - -<p>“He must be a very high educated man,” I -combust; “I bet your bootware that Hon. Shakespeare -could not do nothing like that.”</p> - -<p>“Hon. Shakespeare was neglected in childhood,” -say Prof. “So he never go to colledge to learn -how.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_212"></a>[212]</span></p> - -<p>“So sorry for that!” I ratify. “Do this Hon. -Smith have very muscular mind for study of -Grecian poetry?”</p> - -<p>“Scarcely if seldom,” mitigate Hon. Prof. -“Faculty of this Colledge do not believe in making -bright mind of youth sad by too much read on -subjecks of solum & trajick Greek poetries.”</p> - -<p>“They should read Hon. Aristophanes,” I say-so, -“for he was considered a very comick Greek -poet.”</p> - -<p>“Maybe-so he were,” dib them Prof. “But -I have been teacher of classick literature for 35 -tiresome years, and never yet have I saw any -colledge boys tickling themselves to death with -jokes from that Hon. Aristophanes.”</p> - -<p>I am entirely flabbed. So I go to Carnegie -Library of them Colledge to see by quiet look how -many of them student was improving inside of -skulls by books. And there what see? Three -Japanese students setting in bench for lonesome -company. One of them was studying “Antique -War Map of Battle of Marathon.” Other -was taking light chew from “Co-tangent Theory -about Circular Orbits,” and other one was trying -to translate works of James Whatcome Riley into -Japanese.</p> - -<p>I sneak silently out with mollycuddle feelings of -instep.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_213"></a>[213]</span></p> - -<p>Sydney Katsu say-so that game of Golluf are -called “sport of kings.” Therefore if any private -gentleman wishes to become a king or something -in America he must go to meadows and learn how-play -this peculiar knocking game. When Hon. -Rockefeller lernt it he became a Oil King & still -continues to exercise.</p> - -<p>Before Hon. Roosevelt decided to appoint Hon. -Taft to be King of America he-say him: “Hon. -Bill, what kind of a athlete are you, please?”</p> - -<p>“I are a very distinguished trot,” narrate Wm. -“I have become noted by running from places -to places.”</p> - -<p>“These U. S. won’t not stand no more fat -heroes,” say Hon. Roosevelt. “What possibly -good it do you to have newspaper print say ‘Hon. -Taft spend 24 hours daily at desk?’ Small or -less. But have war correspondent say ‘Hon. -Taft spend 24 hours daily tearing teeth out of -wild bulls’ and you will be called upon by 1,000 -photographers & Frederick Remington.”</p> - -<p>Hon. Taft set silently eating fattening cigars.</p> - -<p>“When you are training to be a king,” say Hon. -Theo, “you must exercise to develop considerable -chest.”</p> - -<p>“I have a developed chest already,” snuggest -Hon. Taft, drawing his belt close around.</p> - -<p>“Assuredly you have,” say Hon. President,<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_214"></a>[214]</span> -“but you should wear it higher so that it would -show to better advantage.”</p> - -<p>“How to begin to be a National Athlete?” -say Hon. Wm.</p> - -<p>“I began by breaking horses,” say Hon. Theo.</p> - -<p>“I can easily break the stoutest horse by setting -on him,” abrogate Hon. Taft.</p> - -<p>“I am disgusted by such a set-pat policy,” say -ruler of nation. “If you can not take exercise you -can at least play Golluf.”</p> - -<p>So Hon. Roosevelt loand Hon. Taft a big club -if he promise not to broke it & he find a nice, -green link near Light House at Washington where -he practise Hon. Golluf Game. On door of Sec. -of War it are now a easy snap to find following -card:</p> - -<p class="center">HON. WM. H. TAFT<br> -<span class="allsmcap">ARE ABSENT ON LINK TO PLAY GOLLUF GAME FROM 2 TO 4</span><br> -<span class="allsmcap">DAILY TILL AFTER ELECTION</span>.</p> - -<p class="center"><span class="allsmcap">MOVING PICTURE MAN</span><br> -IS CORDIALLY INVITED TO BE THERE</p> - -<p>Mr. Editor, what are most principally shocky -& surprise to me about outside exercises enjoyed -by Americans is that they takes them in such a -light & frivlus spirit of josher. Are game of -health-bring and deep breathing merely a funny -laugh-at thing? Answer is, No!!</p> - -<p>It sadden my pulse to see American family by<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_215"></a>[215]</span> -good elderly summertime pack trunk to go shore-side. -Why they sing & whistle comick song -about “I am timid to return home in darkness”? -Why so happy & frolick for as they are gone down -to train? Do they not know that they are sujurning -away for benefit of kidney, liver & lung, which -is hyjean & therefore kind of sacred because it -can do a great deal of harm to all human races? -By border of ocean they go to some light hotel & -dip slightly in tidy serf of sea, they lole upon sand -in delighted clothing, they puff cigarette, they -drink intoxicated ginriksha. By moontime they -practise whatever flirting is necessary—no -thoughts of their scientifick insides.</p> - -<p>Ah, vacation should be a more solum & useful -improvement! Japanese athlete would arise more -sadder & stern by 6 of clocktime in morning to -do 986 dips with backbone for benefit of interior -digestion. He would measure self by Bertillon -system by each hourly prompt. Then he would -feel strong & well, or else he wouldn’t. Vacation -are nothing to laugh at as if it was a jokes.</p> - -<p class="tb">But Cousin Nogi are got so sinical he make Sneer-face -at everything including sacred subjecks & -Tariff. Last night we go hear Prof. Matsuki, -Japanese hyjean, lecture-talk to Asiatick -Y. M. C. A.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_216"></a>[216]</span></p> - -<p>“Intellectual gymnasiums, together with nurshing -food,” say Hon. Matsuki, “have increased -stature of Japanese nation 6 inches in last 10 -years.”</p> - -<p>Cousin Nogi deliver me one mean pinch by leg-joint.</p> - -<p>“I shall give you a hit unless stop!” I dib for -pain.</p> - -<p>“Listen to them lecture what he say-it!” fatigue -Nogi. “He-say each Japanese by exercises & -feed has grew 6 inches in 10 year-time. At them -rate they will all be 5 ft. 10 inches by 1918.”</p> - -<p>“That are a nice patriotick average for me,” -I surround.</p> - -<p>“By keeping on with eat & gymnastus they will -all be 6 ft. 10 inches in 1938. What, then, would -keep all Japanese from being 8 ft. 10 inches lofty -in year 1978?”</p> - -<p>“Nothing but laziness,” I repose for answer.</p> - -<p>“The Japanese is aptly determined,” decry -Nogi, showing satire by nose. “If they use considerable -Christian Science about growing up -could they not become physical sky-scrapes in -time?”</p> - -<p>“They might, but could they?” is answer for -me.</p> - -<p>“And what if they attained such a lofty?” -locate Nogi with skeptick look from Missouri,<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_217"></a>[217]</span> -“would they be more smart if? Physical culture -do not make persons able to lecture on works -of Browning and Chiropodes. Hon. James Jeffries -are a very physical cultured man, yet he can -only lick one person at a time. Hon. Napoleon, -what was a brief man with a circular stummick, -could combatter 10,000 talented Germans by -twist of his thumbs.”</p> - -<p>“Yet Hon. Napoleon were finally a sick failure,” -I announce for sighs.</p> - -<p>“Of surely he were not!” dib that heated Nogi. -“If he were a failure how he got his nephew that -high job in Roosevelt Cabinet?”</p> - -<p>I am confused to answer.</p> - -<p>Hoping you are the same, I am</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_218"></a>[218]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXIV">XXIV<br> -<span class="smaller">CAN HON. NORTH POLE BE DETECTED?</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, August 26th.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To Editor New York newspaper which shoots out -Truth like a soda fountain & serve it with -very tasty flavours to all-kind of humans.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>—I am bed-riding now, thank you, -for illness of head. So sorry I go Fresno last -week to seek-it where work was to be got among -Hon. Grapes, but not for me. The weather had a -temperament of 98° in shadow & pretty soonly I -am discovered enjoying a sunstrike by dusty road. -“Poor Japanese Boy!” collapse kind Mr. Jackson, -who is a sweet philanthropy; so he ship me -backwards to this dear San Francisco and donate -me $10 weekly so long as I am sick.</p> - -<p>On such a salary I shall be liesurely about getting -well.</p> - -<p class="tb">So here I are, Mr. Editor, once more again at -Patriots of Japan Board & Lodging, where I -receive all Japanese and American friends who will -be polite guests & please not bring no more flours -because my hon. bedroom become stuffy with<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_219"></a>[219]</span> -such fragral smells. Candy & light sandwitches, -howeverly, will be welcome day & night.</p> - -<p>Cousin Nogi, Arthur Kickahajama, Uncle Nichi, -Sydney Katsu Jr., Little Annie Anazuma & Frank -the Japanned Bootpolish make walk-in to my -room this morning to be a Tennis Cabinet for me. -They bring golden thoughts, but nothing more -expensive.</p> - -<p>“In Idaho & Colorado where ladies is compelled -to smoke cigarettes and act manly on -election days,” say Cousin Nogi, “there Hon. -Frank H. Hitchcock will get elected by a unamerous -majority because of his beautiful eyes and -hair.”</p> - -<p>“He will be very popular in high schools, -Vassars, etc., because of his sweet expression,” -olicute little Annie.</p> - -<p>“Will such a expressions make him popular -among campaign contributions?” contribute -Japanned Frank with steam-roller sniff.</p> - -<p>My Hon. Friends then begin making talk all -over my very sick bed with awful feverish debats -until I groan from hot brows, because I got a sun-strike. -Political conversation next turn to all-kinds -tropickal subjecks. Cousin Nogi mention -Hon. Revolution in Honaduras; Japanned Frank -say-so that Hon. Cuba can’t never escape from -Hon. Taft when he got it; Uncle Nichi enquire to<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_220"></a>[220]</span> -know if Rep Party will continue to be useless about -Philippine tobacco; and Little Annie Anazuma -tell of paper-news she read about hon. yellow -fever enjoyed by Hon. Dirt Digs of Panama Canal.</p> - -<p>I put hand to my boiled skull & collapse with -gasps.</p> - -<p>“You are a loud noise,” I liquidate. “When -you come to bedstead of a sunstruck person, why -you all-time talk about politicks what are happening -all over Hon. Equator?”</p> - -<p>“Would some breezy topick of conversations be -more pleasant for such a sun-strike?” enquire -Uncle Nichi with farm-yard voice.</p> - -<p>“Iced thoughts would be very nice for brain,” -I dib with fan.</p> - -<p>Then up say Arthur Kickahajama, missionary -boy who will be a heathen 2 weeks more before -vacation is over,</p> - -<p>“I have got just such a cold topicks,” he-say. -“Hon. Adm. Peary, intemperate explorer on cold-weather -boat <i>Roosevelt</i>, have started for Swartzburger, -Sweden, in hopes that he will discovery an -entirely iced Pole before it melts.”</p> - -<p>“Thank you so much, Arthur Kickahajama,” -I sigh-up for relief, “already I feel some pleasant -chills in my vertebral.”</p> - -<p>“In his kitty of supplies,” say Arthur, “Hon. -Peary have took 750 blankets of red flannel complexion,<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_221"></a>[221]</span> -100 grizzly-skin pajamas, 60 Tiny Wonder -gas-heaters, 7 tons axle-greeze to use as butter -when starving & 20 doggy-sleys with limousine -tops to keep off cold.”</p> - -<p>“What are he going to North Pole for if he desire -to keep off cold?” I enquire with sun-stroke gasps.</p> - -<p>“I am confused about it,” say Arthur. “Hon. -Peary perform a interview for N. Y. <i>Journals</i> -before depart. ‘Are you afraid of a freeze?’ -Hon. Reporter ask to know. ‘No, I are not,’ he -reply for pride.”</p> - -<p>“All Arctick explorers is entirely fearless about -freezing in July,” report little Annie Anazuma, -who are a bright for her nine-year age.</p> - -<p>“If a good detective should discover this Pole -what would he discover?” require Uncle Nichi, -who is becoming educated in American telephones.</p> - -<p>“He would discover considerable bad weather,” -abrogate Nogi.</p> - -<p>“Should a person go through such a pearil & -danger to discover bad weather?” say Uncle who -can enquire if nothing else.</p> - -<p>“It are the pearil & danger what makes all them -furry gentlemans so anxious to get it,” say Nogi. -“If Hon. North Pole was in our back yard who -would care to have it?”</p> - -<p>“I should like some chunks for headache,” -I negligè with pained eyebrows.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_222"></a>[222]</span></p> - -<p>“Polar discovery are a nice sport for Investigators,” -devote Frank.</p> - -<p>“What would they investigate at North Pole?” -require Nogi for scorn. “Is there some Grafts at -North Pole? Have it got a Saloon Evil like -Chicago, or a Labour Trouble like Idaho, or a -Railroad Problemb like Illinois, or some Favourite -Sons like Ohio, or a Musical Mayor like San -Francisco, or some Senate Undesirables like Washington? -If Hon. Pole ain’t got no Hon. Shames -like them I mention it should be let alone. If it -<i>have</i> got such a Grafts they must be nicely packed -in ice where they will keep forever unless disturbed. -Why should a refined N. Y. gentleman travel all-way -to Latitude 0 for find some cold-storage graft -when he can get it entire year round in -Philadelphia?”</p> - -<p>“We ask to know!” collapse my Japanese -Friends in unicorn & leave me alonesome with -my sick medicines.</p> - -<p class="tb">Mr. Editor, as I continue enjoying sickness I -got time to think about important topicks in an -entirely fooly way. I think about all them -American & English gentlemans what has seeked -North Pole because they was not tame enough to -enjoy game of golluf and bridge-card. How much -more jollifying to go straggling for deathsome<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_223"></a>[223]</span> -effort over dreer waists of ice with full heart and -empty stummick—how much more pleasant this -are than continually gollufing over the links with -a retired cloak manufacturer what can’t talk -about nothing else besides roomatism & Marie -Corelli! When Hon. Arctick Explorer think of -some persons he have left behind his awful solitude -become entirely cozy.</p> - -<p>Mr. Editor, what nationality of human races has -not enjoyed hunting for Poles? Irish mans, -Americans, Danes, Swedishes, all make rapid vi -with each other for this sport. Hon. Russian police -is also fond of hunting Poles, but them is -usually of an entirely Jewish variety. Hon. -Duke de Bruzzi were unable, thank you, to observe -the Hon. Pole to discover it; but he recently discover -America with a very matrimonial expression. -Only human nationalities which does not care -about dashes to North Pole is Hon. Niggers which -is too lazy and Hon. Japanese which has got too -much sense.</p> - -<p>Hon. Walter Wellman of Chicago discover Hon. -Pole in a airship. Hon. Magazines, Newspaper -press, etc., all get delicious accounts about Hon. -Wellman’s discovery long-time before it happen, -which was fortunate because it never did. Great -day of discovery arrive. “Are you ready, Hon. -Wellman?” require Hon. Photographer with<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_224"></a>[224]</span> -Chicago accent. “Of sure I are!” explode Hon. -Wellman, who was without a daunt. “Then cut-it -the string!” say-all, and Hon. Airship arise to -duzzy hight of 18 feet where Hon. Wellman could -see distinctly maglificant penorama of Arctick -scenery with nice fotos of Alice Boreas all lit up, -which he send to Chicago newsoffice with report, -“I am sure Hon. North Pole are still over there.” -Then his airship descend down with a bursted -stummick.</p> - -<p>Since then Hon. Wellman have turned from -Baloons to Bryan. He-say for recent newspaper -article: “Hon. Bryan will of sure get to White -House by a short cut.” If Hon. Bryan start -to White House by Hon. Wellman windship he -might get there, but would he?</p> - -<p>Mr. Editor, I have following poetick rapture -because my head is sick:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Columbus say the World go roundy-round</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Just like bisickel wheel do, day & night;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The Pole it are a Hub which move that ground</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And are too busy, thanks, to act polite.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The Pole he got a quite important task</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And must be enerjetick all he can;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He dib, “Get out!” when persons come to ask—</div> - <div class="verse indent2">He hard to find like E. H. Harriman.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The Pole he manage all them rolling-stock</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And boss the world whatever way he please.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_225"></a>[225]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">When Muckrakes come to write him up for shock</div> - <div class="verse indent2">He say, “Refuse to answer,” then he freeze.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The Pole he are a predatory Graft,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">A short-but-ugly word, yet on he go</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With utter disregard of Time & Taft—</div> - <div class="verse indent2">A Solid Plutocrat of ice and snow.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Mr. Editor, I am aware why Hon. Peary boat -are called the <i>Roosevelt</i>. It are because it are a -hot thing in a cold climbate—also because it are -a champion ice-burster. (At least smile at this, -please, because it would sound delicious in -Japanese.)</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" id="illus15" style="max-width: 43.75em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus15.jpg" alt=""> - <p class="caption">“They should not make groups around with scissors to cut -away souvenirs from him”</p> -</div> - -<p>Seriously thinking it, I shall not prevent that -Hon. Peary from going to North Pole as oftenly -as whimsical; and yet I peev with complaint -because he do it on so small scales. He are a -small dealer in Poles, therefore he should be -crowded to wall by all rules of Interstate Commerce. -Would it not be more better for civilization -if Arctick Circle was organized into exploration -Trust with $20,000,000 capital and several -Senators? You bet your bootware such a Trust -would get to Pole & build trolley to there in less -time than it take to pass a Forest Reserve Bill. -I am surprised that such a Trust has not thought -of this already, for what-say Hon. Kipling? He-say: -“Is seldom a law of man or God found North -of 23.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_226"></a>[226]</span></p> - -<p>Such a climbate would be awfully ideel for -a Trust.</p> - -<p>Yet I am suspicious. If Hon. Wall Street are -not interested in North Pole there must be deliciously -little laying loose around there to steal.</p> - -<p>For final thought, Hon. Sir, I suspect that considerable -salt-drip of tears is waisted on them cool -heroes of far North. Mrs. Lusy Macdonald, -tender & fat angel, say: “Poor mans, not to have -fresh asparagus for months in & out!”</p> - -<p>“Truly so,” I navigate, “but if they have no -fresh asparagus, they also has no mosquitos.”</p> - -<p>“Togo, should you like to be a Arctick Explorer -you talk like?” she ask it.</p> - -<p>“I should like to be ½ a Arctick Explorer,” I -struggle. “If I was permitted to do so I should -enjoy to be Hon. Peary during June, July, August -& Sept. During Fall & Winter months I should -be pleased to spread gospels among better warmed -cannibels of South Seas.”</p> - -<p>“Both are noble trades for a hero,” say-she for -kind sentiment.</p> - -<p>“It are pleasant to be useless during vacations,” -I dib.</p> - -<p>With love to Senator Lodge & other successful -Eskimos,</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_227"></a>[227]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXV">XXV<br> -<span class="smaller">HIGH TARIFF ON PRINCES</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, Sept. 1st.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To Editor of New York Newspaper which must be -very marriageable person, if he has not already -attended his own.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Hon. Mr.</span>—Frank the Japanned Bootpolish, -who is a mental Socialist, say me this statistick -for peevish argument:</p> - -<p>“Twenty-five thousand pairs of people is married -together by each day in these U. S.”</p> - -<p>“Such delicious number of happiness!” I commit, -pointing to Utah on map.</p> - -<p>“Of them 25,000 wedding ceremonies,” derange -Frank with Harvard expression, “at leastly 23,000 -is International Marriages, including, by police-record, -following races: Huns, Finns, Siberians, -Liberians, Polaks, Mollusks, Mazourkas, Dons, -Otts, and Pennsylvanians.”</p> - -<p>“Them races is told apart by washing them,” -I deride for conversation.</p> - -<p>“Of them 23,000 assorted foreigns getting -married together by each day, maybe there is a -few number with something queer about them;<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_228"></a>[228]</span> -maybe 100 of them has clubbed feets, 50 of them is -double-jointed dwarfs, 10 of them has two heads -apiece, 6 of them is Siamese twins, and 1 or 2 of -them is a Duke or something.”</p> - -<p>“Do newspaper-press mention with loud excitement -the marriage of all them Hon. Freaks?” I -ask for knowledge.</p> - -<p>“Seldom if any,” say Frank the Japanned -Bootpolish. “What say Hon. Shakespeare about -International Marriages? He-say, ‘When Princes -wed there is such big show that other Hon. Freaks -must crawl out under tent.’”</p> - -<p>“Do you not say jokey-talk when you mention -that Hon. Prince among other Hon. Freaks?” I -inquire to know.</p> - -<p>“Ah no!” rejoy that Frank. “Is not one Hon. -Prince some Freak? Yes, surely so! Is not one -baby born with crown on top of skull as curio to -see as one baby born with six ears? Boots can be -bet on it!”</p> - -<p>“Too sad,” I collapse with tear-drop of eye. -“When one Hon. Prince come to this U. S. persons -should be more politeness. They should not -make groups around him with scissors to -cut away souveners from him. They should -not lift off his Hon. Derby to take peeps at -his Hon. Crown. Maybe he is sensitive about his -deformity!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_229"></a>[229]</span></p> - -<p>“Hon. Princes is not entirely like other common -Freaks,” debate Hon. Frank.</p> - -<p>“With what for difference?” I reject.</p> - -<p>“Common Freaks is supported by Museums -which do very well. Hon. Princes is supported -by Tradition which often forget to pay salary. -Hence appropriations must be voted in U. S. Senate -for International Marriages.”</p> - -<p>My cousin Nogi, which hear them words we -spoke in Japanese syllables, come up and say,</p> - -<p>“If Hon. Senator Pelkins permit Hon. Duke -de Buzzi to marry his family, will this not be -considered unpatriotick act to do? Will not Hon. -Senator occupy anonamous position in U. S. -Senate?” This from Nogi.</p> - -<p>“I am reminded of fudge!” I relapse with expression -of iced aristocrat. “He will occupy elsewhere -position!”</p> - -<p>“What committee in U. S. Senate could endure -such Hon. Senator when so related to pompous -crown of Italy?” require Japanned Frank.</p> - -<p>“Committee on Foreign Relations would be very -nice seat for such Senator,” I commute with -decorated appearance from eyebrow.</p> - -<p class="tb">Mr. Editor, I am a shock & grief to see attitudes -of this America to them Nobilities caming here in -seek for employment. Why for is such high-tariff<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_230"></a>[230]</span> -policy in this free kingdom on them European -manufactured goods like automobiles, barons and -carved sculptors? America are entirely anxious -to become civilized—yet how can she get it without -some of them things made in Germany for -small price? In France any mechanical working-girl -can afford to buy one small Baron on easy -installment plan. In Italy they are served as -waiters with meals. Americans may collect them -in all countries of Europe, but in Custom House -of U. S. they are insulted and treated like works -of art, because Hon. Jo-uncle Cannon are so -chivalrous about Hon. Sugar & Tobacco.</p> - -<p>But ah! I know, Mr. Editor. Hashimura Togo -are on to some sure wisdom about why them Hon. -Nobles is so rare to get in this America when -delicious to have! Hon. Trusts do it!! It are -one Combination in Restraint of Trade. Day-by-year -Hon. Small Dealer is crowdy to wall. -How often do Dukes come to America with purpose -of marrying some Common People? Never -if seldom—except when them Common People -is rich as they are common. Who get first pick-out -of the Sizzyeni and De Chagrin families when they -arrive to Custom House? Do Hon. Employment -Bureaus? Do Plumbers & Joiners Union? -Do Beneficial Order of Elks?</p> - -<p>Reply is, NO! Who do, then? For answer<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_231"></a>[231]</span> -write to Hon. La Folette who will send, by -stamp, list of persons who done it, including -97 varieties of wealth.</p> - -<p class="tb">Hon. Henry Watterson, who is official thinker -for Kentucky, say-so that this kingdom is deliciously -disgusted about Princes because it are -entirely Democratick by vote. Foreign titles give -especial loathing to desperate patriots like Hon. -Hearst, who say that all Dukes ought to be shot; so -he do so, thank you, with foto camera.</p> - -<p>During the wedding season in America it are -nice trick for Japanese Schoolboy to set in sofa of -very gilt hotel and watch something. Pretty -soonly it arrive. It is one quiet gentleman of grey -finish who make sneak-walk in at tradesman -entrance of hotel. He is scarcely to be noticeable -except for fact that he wear blue goggles & green -beard to appear natural. As he approach to desk -of Hon. Clerk there is nervous creaking of furniture -where Hon. Reporters is hidden in.</p> - -<p>“Name, please, to register it!” say Hon. Clerk -with pen.</p> - -<p>“John Smith of Nebraska,” remit them stranger -with Kansas accent.</p> - -<p>“You are a ugly word!” renig that Clerk with -teeth. “Nobody in Nebraska have such queer -name like John Smith.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_232"></a>[232]</span></p> - -<p>(Impatient noises heard from kodaks behind -furniture.)</p> - -<p>“On what business are you here on?” relapse -Hon. Clerk.</p> - -<p>“I ain’t not here on no business. I are——”</p> - -<p>“You <i>are</i>,” abjurgate Clerk, “then you admit -it!”</p> - -<p>“He admit it!!” cry-out 17 Reporters & 9 -Photographers arising from furniture.</p> - -<p>“Which do I admit?” desire Hon. Stranger -beginning to make tears.</p> - -<p>“You are the Prince de Chagrin!” collapse all -in unicorn.</p> - -<p>“Discovery!” cry that unhappy Prince, fainting -away into bar-room. All kodaks explode -simultaneously.</p> - -<p>With immediate quickness that Hotel become -one International Affair. Telegraf editors of all -prominent newspresses set desks in lobby to be -near it; hallway in front of bedroom where Hon. -Prince is awake, is full with interviewers, biographers, -historians, popular novelists, muck-rakers, -scratch-artists, paint-artists, photographers -& engravers.</p> - -<p>Pretty soonly <i>Evening Bagpipe</i> come out. -On back page is grand editorial of magnificent -tipe of title “How We Despise that Nobility!” -To prove them contempt of nobility, <i>Evening<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_233"></a>[233]</span> -Bagpipe</i> print live-size portrait on front page -showing Hon. de Chagrin being draped in automobile -with America & French flags by Cupid & -mothology ladies. By each ½ hour <i>Evening -Bagpipe</i> arrive with extra edition to tell what -might be next, as follows:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p><i>10 o’clock extra!</i>—Prince de Chagrin took elevator -to wine-room and say, “Make it two!” This -is an almost proof that he is engaged.</p> - -<p><i>10:30 double extra!!</i>—Royal Prince de Chagrin -was saw looking at palace of Hon. J. W. -Moneywortz this morning with matrimonial -expression.</p> - -<p><i>11 o’clock pink extra!!!</i>—His Highness, Prince -de Chagrin, shook hands with Senator Johnson -with democratick laugh. Hon. Senator, -with great presence of mind, said, “My daughter -is already married.”</p> - -<p><i>11:30 double pink sporting extra!!!!</i>—His Royal -Highness, Prince de Chagrin, stopped at -Seidlitz Gallery and looked 1½ minutes at -photo of famous chorus-girl. Thrilling story -of this lady’s life (if she got one) will appear -in 3 color for Sunday extra supplement with -souvenir toy baloons.</p> - -<p><i>12 o’clock green international suicide extra!!!!!</i>—His -Majesty, Prince de Chagrin, have disappeared.<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_234"></a>[234]</span> -Nobody else is missing—what -to tell?</p> - -<p><i>13 o’clock extra, extra, extra!!!!!!</i>—Hon. Emperor -de Chagrin traced 5 miles on road to Chicago -by broken kodaks. Maybe it was someone else.</p> - -</div> - -<p>By lamplight yesterday I attend one Hon. -Lecture at Socialist Hall.</p> - -<p>“Time will came, and soonly,” say Hon. Lecture -“when working man of America will got everything -he want.”</p> - -<p>“Will he got a foreign title for self & family?” -I enquire with voice.</p> - -<p>For them question I was rejected for being a -Japanese Spy.</p> - -<p>And yet it was a fairful question to reply. If -Hon. Workman deserve to own the Trusts he also -deserve to own them Dukes & Princes what Hon. -Trusts is working seriously to make corner for. -If Hon. Farmer of rural populus can have 1 automobile -and his Hon. Wife 1 Pianola, can not his -Hon. Daughter set on porch with some Italian -Nobility by summer evening? Can not Petaluma -<i>Clarion</i> appear each weekly with following -gossip of neighbouring live-stock:</p> - -<p>“Bill Brown’s daughter, Countess Rockheimer -& husband, made visit to the farm this week. -Welcome, strangers!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_235"></a>[235]</span></p> - -<p>“Si Perkins, Marquis of Perkins Corners, was -out plowing the North Acre on Saturday. His -Lordship is a very fine hustle.</p> - -<p>“There is one new Duke in the Snodgrass -family. It’s a boy this time.</p> - -<p>“Senator Elkhorn of Coalopolis are absent from -town on trip to St. Petersburg for visit his son-in-law -the Czar of Russia. Town looks pretty dead -without the genial Senator!”</p> - -<p>No, Mr. Editor, trouble with this country is not -too many Dukes, but too less of them. If Americans -seen a Duke in every cigar-store they would -not name cigars after him. This is also found -amongst lower species. Insects is arranged carefully -in glass boxes and named after difficult -Latin poets as long as they are scarce and sly -about being coaxed by collectors. But when them -same Hon. Insects is discovered in colonies leading -simple life among potato plants they are generally -regarded to be Bugs. Thus I transfer it from -Japanese poetry:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">If Grasshop Bugs was merely scarce to see</div> - <div class="verse indent4">And human persons was not used to its</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Remarkabilious ways, all-world might be</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Admiring of his limbs the way they fits.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">But Grasshop Bugs has got around so thick</div> - <div class="verse indent4">That persons sweep them up in pans and pails,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And Poets, while them lovelus Grasshops kick,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Are somewheres else admiring Nightingales!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_236"></a>[236]</span></p> -<p>I am given to be understood that Hon. King -Manuel of Portugal are looking for young lady -willing to be queen. Them news are causing very -dangerous heart-throb in family circle of U. S. -Senate.</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<p>S. P.—One banzai thought! Several months -pass-by ago one imperious Japanese Prince make -visit to America. Since he return to Japan there -has not been least slightest rumor of engagement -to him of Miss Vanderhooley of Newport. How -he escape from? This is one other evidence of -superior Japanese stratagem. I have feeling of -boast!</p> - -<p class="right">H. T.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_237"></a>[237]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXVI">XXVI<br> -<span class="smaller">THE SERVANT PROBLEMB</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, Sept. 11th.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To Editor New York Newspaper which make -very tough projectile for mind to chew.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Hon. Mr. Sir</span>—At Asiatick Delight Japanese -Employment Bureau where I am found mostly always -pleading for jobs with price $2, kindness loan -of Cousin Nogi, I am a stand-up in line yesterday -with other 43 Japanese Schoolboys which was also -nervus about it. S. Muto, Prop. of this Hon. -Bureau, see me with smile of riticule, because -he do.</p> - -<p>“Togo you are residing here so oftenly you might -bring trunk and sleep. Why so jobless all time? -When I give you delicious something to do it, you -are back by return carfare for more.”</p> - -<p>“Your jobs is all perishable, Hon. Muto,” I -exaggerate. “They will not keep in such climate.”</p> - -<p>“You are also unkept,” decompose this Muto. -“You are a wrong Japanese to speek such -slamber about my jobs. You are a Servant -Problemb!”</p> - -<p>At such American insult I feel Samurai instinct<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_238"></a>[238]</span> -with wrists. My interior soul make kicking performance -of jiu jitsu—but outside my moustache -I am a very smiling embassy like Hon. Baron -Takahira.</p> - -<p>“I am so delight to hear!” I renig for sarcastick. -“I am aware of being a Yellow Peril—to be also a -Servant Problemb are considerable distinguish. -I am pretty pride about myself to be so much -altogether.”</p> - -<p>“Why so you no stick to one job of work -and thusly gain experience by?” he denounce.</p> - -<p>“Because-so,” I report. “Thank you, I can -gain considerable plenty experience by losing jobs. -I know because I do.”</p> - -<p>“It are person like you that make Servant Problemb -in this kingdom,” collapse Hon. Muto with -peev.</p> - -<p>“If I are such fine Servant Problemb,” I say -with voice, “why you no get me one job doing it? -Maybe some sweet-hearted American wish to -hire such a Problemb for $3 a week & board it. -So I shall willingly go there with valise.”</p> - -<p>“Have you got some good references of recommend -to show you could hold situation of Servant -Problemb elsewheres?” he say it.</p> - -<p>“Of sure I have!” I degrade, so I took from my -inward vest following recommend of my intelligence -which I wrote myself:</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_239"></a>[239]</span></p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>1—Mrs. C. W. O’Brien, honourable lady, where -I do table-wait & terrible ordeel from fresh -American gentleman who say “Jap boy!” -with voice so I am very sorry when hot soup -drown him at collar & I am next irritate to -race-riot with Whang So, China boy of dogly -face & terminate there by hanging him by the -tail of his head to hon. doorknob. Good-bye, -Mrs. C. W. O’Brien! Time there was 3 week.</p> - -<p>2—Hon. Miss Maizie Jone, young lady of considerable -antiquity & large average weight, -promise pay me 10c hr. teach her bisickle -ride. I teach her gently by up-hill; but by -down-hill teaching become deliciously rapid -because of nervousness enjoyed by hon. -machinery. Japanese Boy is earnest to stop -it & can not do until Baker Wagon ensue & -leave Hon. Maizie broken among machinery. -I am Hospital Corps for help; but Hon. -Maizie become loudly thankless. Time there -was ½ hr & no pay.</p> - -<p>3—Board House of Mrs. Van Horn. There I -am guaranteed for experienced window-wash. -This is high task of scrubbing and I am -serious about it until suds-bucket overspill -3 stories to top of Episcopal Clergyman who -notice it. Hashimura Togo depart with fire-alarm. -Time there was 2 days, 15 minite.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_240"></a>[240]</span></p> - -<p>4—Golden West Garage where I am manicure -for automobiles. “Are you acquainted to -do?” say Hon. Boss. “O gladly!” I bereft. -I try, but Hon. Gasolene object by explosion. -I do not care for this place. Time there -was 6 minites.</p> - -<p>5—I am nurse-maiden for delighted home of -Duglas Willkins, Sausalito. I am request -to perambulate Hon. Godfrey, which is a -baby, out near some fresh air which he enjoy -breathing it. There I meet Wanda, Japanese -socialist, who discourse with me about -Private Ownership. While this important -talk is doing Hon. Baby get himself detached -from buggy-ride by one method or another. -I am conversing too much to notice this until -Hon. Mrs. Willkins approach to say with -hysterick, “Where is them Baby?” I should -like to answer. By search for it I discover -Hon. Baby aslumbering amongst huckledock -bush by road. She do not miss me at -departure. Time there was 3 days.</p> - -</div> - -<p>Hon. Sago Sadoyama, who is a professor of -American magazine-reading, was found at them -Employment Bureau looking for it also. While -awaiting for jobs we was delighted to have a -discuss. He say upwards of this:</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_241"></a>[241]</span></p> - -<p>“I read in populus magazine for 10c one article -of title ‘Why Do Servants Leave Good Homes -When They Are Fired?’ I ask to know.”</p> - -<p>“Answer to this is, Because,” I snuggle.</p> - -<p>“Ah no!” say this Sago. “It are because -Declamation of Independence make them quit it.”</p> - -<p>“How thus?” I delay.</p> - -<p>“Because so,” say Sago. “Them Declamation -pronounce ‘All persons is crated free & equal.’ -That are nice maxim for school-houses, city halls, -grocery stores & other patriotick edifices; but it -ain’t no good maxim for put over kitchen stove. -Each Household Lady what require to keep Hon. -Cook in kitchen must keep pretty silent about -Hon. Declamation of Independence, or Hon. -Cook might get suspicious that there is one.</p> - -<p>“Suppose that Hon. Cook should see such a -Declamation while she was setting down to skin -hon. potatoes for lunching. While there she hear -Hon. Mrs. from parlour-room play tune of -‘Jolly Widow’ in key of piano. Of suddenly -Hon. Cook drop pair-knife with immediate brain-thought.</p> - -<p>“‘Sake of!’ she decry. ‘If all persons is crated -free & equal, why to skin potatoe? No person -what is free & equal ever skin a potatoe. Therefore -not.’</p> - -<p>“Silence from kitchen, then. Pretty soonly it<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_242"></a>[242]</span> -are 1.30 of clock-time and Hon. Mr. Phillup retire -home from paint-works enjoying faintness.</p> - -<p>“‘Hon. Mrs.’ he say-so to female wife, ‘where -is them lunch to eat it?’</p> - -<p>“‘I will seen about,’ say Hon. Mrs. from piano -play. So she go kitchen expressing angry rage by -feet. There she find Hon. Cook wearing Jolly -Widow headware & setting on valise meaning -good-bye.</p> - -<p>“‘Bertha, kindly please, where is them lunch -to cook it?’ she deserve.</p> - -<p>“‘Can not do, thank you,’ deliver that Hon. -Cook. ‘I are crated free & equal. Also dam gas-range -enjoy large leak. Therefore I am delight -to tell you farewell because I am a decent average -girl.’</p> - -<p>“That Bertha then depart from kitchen taking -part of it with her,” say Sago.</p> - -<p>“Servant ladies what is too free & equal is -found at liberty nearly all-time,” I rebate with -Asiatick salute.</p> - -<p class="tb">One wise Professor which is mistaken say -“Trouble of these United State is that servants is -no good.” Such childhood to say! Trouble of -these United State is that servants is <i>too</i> good. -Most of them is too good to work except when -drove to by hungry symptoms of esophagus.<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_243"></a>[243]</span> -Cooking lady are too good for sweep; sweeping -lady are too good for window-wash; window-wash -lady are too good for scrub; and scrubbing -lady are too good for anything. Frequently at -least some Hon. Employer when he hire Hon. -Servant forget how good them person is. Then -he must be snub.</p> - -<p>“Are you a drunkard by habit?” enquire Hon. -Employer.</p> - -<p>“I are,” relapse Hon. Servant. “Are you?”</p> - -<p>“Are you careful of frugality, industrious, steady -moral, nice sleep-hours, early-rise man?” require -that Employer for nervus shock.</p> - -<p>“I are not,” reply them Servant. “Are you?”</p> - -<p>Hon. Employer now enjoy transom of angry -rage.</p> - -<p>“You must be unfitted for any good job of work -to do it!” he corrode.</p> - -<p>“Of sure I are,” flotate that Hon. Servant. -“How nicely you are guessing things!”</p> - -<p>Hon. Employer stand gast for fluttering brain.</p> - -<p>“You know who I are?” require Hon. Servant.</p> - -<p>“I am aware at last,” say Employer. “You are -Upton Sincere the Boy Noveller attempting to give -me write-down for famous novel ‘The Meatropolis,’ -which will describe my disgusting wealth. -You are fired in advance,” say Hon. Employer -escaping to hide self under bed.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_244"></a>[244]</span></p> - -<p>In Japan, China, Corea & other happy islands -where persons has sense enough to be entirely -Heathens, Servant Problembs is not there because -it is absent, thank you. There, when Hon. Servant -are awaiting on you, you are aware of it. -Tea is served by crolling on seat of stummick & -bumping with forehead to announce it are ready. -If Japanese Servant require to cease job he are -legally require to ask Hon. Employer. If Hon. -Employer give his consent, Hon. Servant are legally -require to do hari-kiri with dull knife to show -how grateful he feel.</p> - -<p>This custom make Japanese Servant bashful -about asking to quit.</p> - -<p>Servants is exceptional to most golden rule, I -am at liberty to suppose. Are it not glory-bird feel -to be Independent? Ain’t not them Independence -a grand motion for hearts what makes hero -go fife-drumming to blaze of fireworks & sley -something or be dead about it? Hon. Vergil say -in Latin class, “How nice it is to die for your -Country!” And yet so, what American of intelligence -would care to employ one Hero to do servanting -around house? Would it be pleasant to -have one Cook what is fond of sleying something -to fife-drum music? Answer is, No!! If Hon. -Butler absorb gin-wine & march through dining-room -with purpose to die for his Country he are<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_245"></a>[245]</span> -immediately discouraged by remark, “Hush! -Baby is asleep.”</p> - -<p>When a patriot are Independent he are called -“glorious.”</p> - -<p>When a Servant are Independent he are called -“undependable.”</p> - -<p>Here is some tuneless poetry about a domesticated -cook:</p> - -<h3><i>CONVERSATION WITH A NEGLECTED AMERICAN</i></h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Alice O’Rafferty, Swedish Servant,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Tell me to know,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">What hast you forgotten to make you have such wild-hair expression of look?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Hast you forgotten</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Childhood home & don’t-forget-me blossom</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Of dear old mother neath</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Apple-tree bud?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Hast you forgotten</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Some very nice love-song of early springly time</div> - <div class="verse indent0">By shade of water-cress</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And daffy-dills sweetly blend?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I require answer, please!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Ah no, I ain’t forgot them things,”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Response Alice-Sit-by-the-Stove,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“But I hast forgotten</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To put any carrots</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In Hon. Soup.”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">She weep.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Alice O’Rafferty, Swedish Servant,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">What volume of book</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Have you got hid under wash-board?</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_246"></a>[246]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">Are it some technical work</div> - <div class="verse indent0">On heating buns?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Are it entitle,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“How to construct a mince pie on an income of $1,000 a year?”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Are it entitle</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Dainty Dishes for Peevish Palates”?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I ask to look.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Ah no,” response that estimate female,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“It are a fairy-story entitle ‘Marriage of Wm. Ashes,’</div> - <div class="verse indent0">By Mrs. Humpley Ward.”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Sighs from her.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Life of cook are very mean and sordy,”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">She say,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And splotter tear-drop on Humpley Ward book.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Alice O’Rafferty, Swedish Servant,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Tell me to know—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But hark!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I hear something burning with smudge!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Maybe it are a house afire,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But it smell remarkabilously like</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Soda biskits what has ignited therselves</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In oven.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Hoping you are having no trouble with your -Public Servants, I am</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" id="illus16" style="max-width: 43.75em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus16.jpg" alt=""> - <p class="caption">“‘I require to leave message for Cousin Charley at Washington’”</p> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_247"></a>[247]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXVII">XXVII<br> -<span class="smaller">THE FEETSTEPS OF SCIENCE</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, Sept. 24th.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To Editor New York Newspaper who I include -to list of wireless friends.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dearest Sir</span>—One thousands of year previous -to now time-date what was heard in America -from both ends? Howeling of savages who enjoyed -it. What is heard by to-day time? Considerable -more howeling, thank you; but it is being did over -Columbus, Mr. Editor, Hon. New York <i>Journal</i> -telephone. Before discovery of Manhattan by -was embarrassed for awfully little quantities of -scientifick interest to print. By present time -of date Hon. Reporter for them <i>Journal</i> are -heartsick to keep 100 years ahead of feetsteps of -Science for Sunday edition. Such is vast straddel -of Modern Education. If all them Scientifick -Fact I read about is truthful, then this world of -which we live are getting along too fastly to be -good-healthy. If it keep on going at thus rate -some day Chicago will explode & be off map.</p> - -<p>Science, Mr. Editor, am a very benefital thing -when took in moderate doses. It keep Professors<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_248"></a>[248]</span> -from going to Congress, it make murder-by-machinery -very pleasant and give Naval Construction -Board chanst to insult itself. Yet do Science -of such quantity compel persons to be more happier -in sweetheart surroundings of home-life? -Simple candlelight of our New English ansisters -beampt on happy glow-faces of dear family -gathered at table-cloth to eat local bean off cob. -Do Newport Father & Mother of present to-day -felt more entranced setting below 100 horsepower -chandelier awaiting, O so vainly, for their female -daughter to elope with some Duke of foreign -arrival? To disappointed heart, Mr. Editor, -Science can’t do nothing despite of electrick fans, -all-night elevator and 5-day Cunard to Liverpool. -Electrick fans are impossible to drive away Hon. -Care, all-night elevator can’t not lift a sorry man -out of himself and it ain’t no use to go Liverpool -in one 5-days boat if Hon. Trouble have got there -first.</p> - -<p>In newspaper-press I see about one Professor of -Oklahoma University which discover a very surprised -Science. He have found how to do it to -abolish Old Age by electricity. Following is -recipe to do it at home:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>1—Choose one ripe old man enjoying decline of -years.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_249"></a>[249]</span></p> - -<p>2—Take him in very dark room and soak him -24 hours in bath of sulphurick acid.</p> - -<p>3—Rub to delicious dryness, simmer him over -oil stove & expose to sunstroke, 20 minutes.</p> - -<p>4—He is then ready to abolish by electricity. -Do this by fastening storage battery to base -of brain and increasing dose till 105 centigrades -is enjoyed.</p> - -<p>5—Old man ought to be pretty active by this -space of time. If not he is too spoiled. Try -another one.</p> - -</div> - -<p>I am excitable about this recipe, Mr. Editor, -because I got one Grandfather residing in -Yeddo who is now 97 old and will not keep very -longer in that climbate. If I arrive back to dear -Japan before he pass off I shall do friendship -duty to abolish Grandfather by electricity.</p> - -<p class="tb">In newspaper press I discover about Sir Olive -Lodge, nearly related to Senator Lodge from -Boston. Hon. Sir Lodge say-how that disembowled -spirits of departed dead-ones is frequently -discovered by Science. By evening time, say -Hon. Sir Lodge, when intelligent person is setting -alone to unrobe by bureau he must be sensitive -about knocking. You hear <i>bump-bump</i> on high -wall-paper of bedroom? That are not cause by -Hon. Johnson, boarder upstairs, dropping shoes<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_250"></a>[250]</span> -to carpet. My nervus sakes! What is? <i>Thump-thump!</i> -It is wireless Ghost from Away Off -trying to act interesting.</p> - -<p>“What require?” you must ask to know from -Hon. Ghost.</p> - -<p>“I am Napoleon Bonaparte,” say Hon. Ghost -by signal-practise. “I require to leave message -for Cousin Charley at Washington.”</p> - -<p>“What to say to this Hon. Charley?” you dictate -for answer.</p> - -<p>“Don’t be too dam fierce about Predatory -Richness,” say Napoleon Bonaparte to Charley -Bonaparte. “Remember us Corsican family got -ours by tooking it.”</p> - -<p>He is going to say-so some more, but is -shut off by Central for them profane swear he -said it.</p> - -<p>Hon. Edison say-so he is going to make one -invention of Spiritualistick Telephone so Americans -can talk with dead persons more conveniently. -This will be nice subjeck to improve. By present -method when persons wishes to correspond with -Ghosts, etc., they must go to Medium who require -50c to throw herself into trances and connect you -with wrong parties. But when them Spiritualistick -Telephones is invent them conversations -with graveyards may be got for price 10c -sum. On them happy time Japanese Boy can go<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_251"></a>[251]</span> -to any telephone booth and require of lady -Operette.</p> - -<p>“Hello, thank you! Give me to telephone -3604 Spiritland, please! Yes sir! Hello-it—is -Hon. Wm. Shakespeare residing there to talk? -Thank you again! Is them you, Mr. Shakespeare? -One question to reply for Japanese Boy, -please. Who wrote them trajick of Julius Cæsar? -Hon. Bernard Shaw?—No?—He improve it, -you say? Oh, them ain’t no news! Hon. Shaw -know that already. One more reply, please—hello—get -from off the wire, please, Mr. -Thackeray!—”</p> - -<p>I am sincerely to hope that persons will get more -better telephone service between Here and -Hereafter than between San Francisco and -Oakland.</p> - -<p>An eminent surgery of Columbus University -have invent new species of laughter-gas call -“electrick sleep.” Both tooth & appendix might -be pulled by this Science, Sydney Katsu, Jr., tell -me. Hon. Patience will be in bed dreaming of -something different while everything is removed. -Electrick shock is applied to loeb of brain to create -calm which is followed by whatever knifing is -necessary to create a good-healthy. Absent treatment -may be gave by connecting victim to telegraf -wire.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_252"></a>[252]</span></p> - -<p>Hon. Prof. Monsterburg have devise one crafty -Machine which can discover prevaricus Liars by -clock-work. This Hon. Machine are called a -Ananiascope. The apperatux is glued to mouth -of one poor malefactor what is telling his testimonial -to Hon. Judge. While that poor malefactor -say truth Hon. Machine remain very polite -about it; but when he say lie, then Hon. Machine -is so shocked that it ring one alarm clock & that -poor malefactor enjoy lock-away in jail. Hon. -Machine have not yet been experimented on -mouths of rich malefactors. Some says it will be -took to White House soonly. Some says it will -not be necessary there.</p> - -<p>One machinery of name called “gyroscope” -is very immediately to revolutionize in circles. -This wonderful whirler can be put on any railroad -train, and beholt! with immediate quickness them -train proceed along on one wheel. Irish gentleman -what invent that gyroscope promise for it to -do everything. It will abolish all crimes of railroad, -including accidents, collisions, rebating, -lobbying & Pullman porters. Hon. Harriman -will be very fond of them gyroscope railroads, -because they will be run on one rail. Railroads -with 1 rail can merely be fined ½ as much by Interstate -Commerce Commission.</p> - -<p>This week, Mr. Editor, them mysterious problemb<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_253"></a>[253]</span> -of Mechanical Flight have been solved by -Hons. Bell, Farman, Wright, Santos-Dumont & -Ben F. Tillman. Lighter-than-air baloons is no -longer consider in vogy. Hotter-than-air machines -is now fashionable for flight. Hon. Bell make -sensationous flight of 8 seconds and travel 14 feet, -breaking New Jersey record & machine. Hon. -Tillman stay up in air 2 hours 14 minutes -and travel from Panama Canal to Philippine -Tariff, landing with considerable jar on the -Administration. This break Congressional -record.</p> - -<p>Famous Doctor of Switzerland have discry sure -cure for cancer by moonlight ray. If this do not -discourage the finest cancer in 10 lessons it can be -used on tuberculosis with equal benefit of result. -This is a very positive remedy which have only -been known to fail in cases where persons has -really got cancer.</p> - -<p class="tb">Mr. Editor, them is but a few number of Scientifick -renovations discover by me in this morning -press. I am not doubtful that I could found a -great number of more by looking in more yellow -colour of news. Science advances, Mr. Sir, -according to speed of paper for which you subscribe -to.</p> - -<p>In age of Wm. Jennings Bryan there was one<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_254"></a>[254]</span> -famous Frenchman, Hon. Jules Verne, who write -polobrious adventure-book about flying to moon on -cannon-ball, tripping from New York to Pekin -by subway & annexation of America to Africa -by floating islands. In age of Roosevelt Hon. -Verne is consider one very truthful old gentleman, -but too slow & quiet about telling facts. Any -Hon. Reporter on newspaper what can not discover -more exciting scientifick news for morning -edition would be suppressed for lack of talents & -put to writing real-estate forecasts on back column.</p> - -<p>Time of Medieval Superstition are pass-by, Mr. -Editor, and I am congratulate on it. Christians -is very skeptic about believing that Hon. World -are schedule to come to end-up because of sins. -But if extra edition of <i>Morning Bagpipe</i> should -make red-tipe announcement:</p> - -<p class="center">!!WORLD TIPPING OVER!!</p> - -<p class="center"><span class="allsmcap">SIR ARTHUR WALLOP, NOTORIOUS SCIENTIST SAY, “EARTH IS</span><br> -<span class="allsmcap">OVERLOADED ON EAST SIDE!”</span></p> - -<p class="center">INHABITANTS OF CHINA MUST MOVE BEFORE<br> -AWFUL SPILL!</p> - -<p>If I seen them headlights on paper, Mr. Editor, -I would enjoy great fright and spend 25c to get -more later editions.</p> - -<p class="tb">Mr. Editor, I did not noticed your signature -among them 97 rulers of America mentioned in<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_255"></a>[255]</span> -statistick of Hon. La Folette. Maybe I subscribe -to wrong paper.</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<p>S. P.—Will Mr. Abruzzi be entitled by marriage -to seat in U. S. Senate? I am confused for -reply.</p> - -<p class="right">H. T.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_256"></a>[256]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXVIII">XXVIII<br> -<span class="smaller">THE HON. MARS</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, September 30th.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To Editor New York Newspaper who make me -to think of astronomical subjecks.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dearest Sir</span>—Considerable scientists has -been making observations of Hon. Planet Mars -by very recent time; so I have also been doing -so by use of opera-glasses which I borrow secretively -from Sydney Katsu, Jr., Japanese dentistry. -For time of several nights I have regarded this -Star with fixed eye for long moments together, but -I have not enjoyed to discover them famous Canals -because I not could see them, thank you. And -yet perhaps this was no fault blame of Hon. Mars, -but of them disgusting Katsu glasses what are -dimmed all over and enjoy breakage of right -eyelid. This must make very wrong astronomy.</p> - -<p>However is, I am excited to wrote Popular -Science about Hon. Mars because any intelligent -person can do so after turning eye-glasses to -heaven.</p> - -<p>Is Hon. Mars inhabited by people? is question -for Japanese Boy. Even if-so it is, why should<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_257"></a>[257]</span> -Americans become excited about it? We know -by thoughtful knowledge that nearly all places -is inhabited by something. Are we not-so familiar -with fact that Ireland is inhabited? No excitement -about that! Does we not know exactly that -New Jersey is inhabited? No excitement about -that, except on Presidential year! Then why -should Hon. Mars receive all this free advertisement? -I ask to know.</p> - -<p>American scientist say, “In near adjoining -future we shall make talk with them Mars -persons.” So foolish to try! We are acquaintanceship -with too many people already. Then -why should we travel by telescopes trying to make -back-talk with stars? Maybe Americans will -be peevishly careful about associating with Mars -persons when they see them. Maybe American -labour unions will send letter of protest to Emperor -of Mars about allowing them disgusting immigrants -all over California. Maybe coolie gentlemans -from Mars will try get job of work in Vancouver -cannery and enjoy kick-out by race-riot. -Oh! such delicious laugh for all Japanese Boys!!</p> - -<p>No, Mr. Editor, it is a very nervus task for -these U. S. to encourage foreign relations with -stars, planets, islands and other heathens what -they do not know nothing about. America one -time did open up Japan in them careless manner<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_258"></a>[258]</span> -and very soonly she have one Yellow Peril on -fingers. By same operation she open up Philippine -Islands and immediately Hon. Taft become -embarrassed by enormous family of brown complexions. -If Hon. Roosevelt is appointed Emperor -of America once more-time would it be convenient -to send Hon. Taft on trip to Mars to make -once more Manila speech about “Our Little -Green Brother?” I ask no reply.</p> - -<p class="tb">No human person have yet been to Mars with -exception of Hon. H. G. Wells, who stops at -nothing. So he write freely for the Magazines. -He go to Mars, he say, with letter of introduction -to Mayors, Politicians, etc., and have intimate & -confidential chatter with them inhabitants. These -Mars persons, say Hon. Wells, lives in elaborate -cities what closely resembles Coney Island. -They are very swift about place-to-place movements -which is done by shooting the chutes. By -government they are Socialistic with a Pianola -attachment. Children of these Mars persons -is born in incubators and educated by Absent -Treatment. The inhabitants of Mars is delightfully -different from the inhabitants of Maine. -The inhabitants of Maine talks through their -noses while the inhabitants of Mars talks through -their ears.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_259"></a>[259]</span></p> - -<p>Mars, say Hon. Wells, is so circumscribed by -light-minded atmosphere that persons can talk -there on heaviest subjecks without enjoying pain. -Persons with feathers sprouting from them in -inexperienced places may be seen in baloons -speaking about Tariff, Aldrich Currency Bill, -Ultimate Destiny of College-bred Womans and -other topical thoughts what can be dropped in -that delicious atmosphere without causing sounds. -This planet is pretty ideal. Old Age has also been -abolished by Congress.</p> - -<p>Mr. Editor, if Mars is like Hon. Wells say it is, -somebody should be punished for discovering it.</p> - -<p>Some other Professors has wrote for magazines -about this Hon. Mars in very statistical language. -Sydney Katsu, Jr., when he arrive to remove me -from them opera-glasses, show me one respectable -magazine full of alarming portraits of Mars with -stripes all over it. He say they was took by Hon. -Prof. Lowell, an astronomy who went to Arizona.</p> - -<p>“Why should a tame Professor go to Arizona?” -I require with suspicious expression.</p> - -<p>“Hon. Prof. Lowell go to Arizona to see Hon. -Mars,” collapse this Sydney.</p> - -<p>“Do Hon. Mars live in Arizona?” I deploy for -ignorance.</p> - -<p>“It is estimated to be beyond it,” signify -Sydney.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_260"></a>[260]</span></p> - -<p>“You are a very toothsome dentistry,” I dally -forth. “Please, then, told me what species of -Politics is enjoyed by this Hon. Mars?”</p> - -<p>“Hon. Mars is solidly Republican by Politics,” -say Sydney, “because I am aware.”</p> - -<p>“What make you so aware?” I require for -curiosity.</p> - -<p>“Because-so this,” manifest Sydney. “Some -distinct Professor say in Magazine, ‘Mars is -considerably cut up with 10,000 Panama Canals!’”</p> - -<p>“What do this prove about Hon. Republican -Party?” I require.</p> - -<p>“It prove plenty,” say Sydney. “Would -Democratic Administration dig 10,000 Panama -Canals on such a planet? Would Hon. Henry -Watterson permit such a great shovel? Ah, no!! -Republican Party is blame for putting all them -surgery on face of Mars!”</p> - -<p>“Them 10,000 Panama Canals must took several -Presidential terms to dig it,” I say for philosophy.</p> - -<p>“Third terms is often followed by more of it -in some Solar Systems,” embark this Sydney with -J. B. Forker expression.</p> - -<p>In discussion of how get there to Mars we was -considerable discouraged persons, thank you. -Railroads might go there by Government Ownership, -but would they? Distance from U. S. to -Hon. Mars is a very extensive row of arithmetic.<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_261"></a>[261]</span> -In speaking of such compendious figures it is -easy to drop several millions of miles without -feeling bad about it.</p> - -<p>“Such a trip is too expensive,” said Sydney. -“If one Japanese Boy desiring to go to Mars -should travel all over Earth and collect $1 eech -from eech man, womans & children, he would -not yet have sufficient money-pay for trip to Mars.”</p> - -<p>“If I had possession of such ability to collect -$1 apiece from all mans, womans & child of this -Earth I would not be particular about going to -Mars,” I renig with American eye-wink.</p> - -<p>I then go to bed for brain-ache full of astronomy.</p> - -<p class="tb">While setting at my bureau to-night I drop -inkstand and look uply at midnight sky, but I -discover its absence because there is not no -window in the frugality of my bedroom. So I -am satisfied to read one newspaper-print which -is published on Earth each evening. I read about -Hon. Aldrich Porous Plaster Finance, some useless -information about Hon. Terry McGovern, some -intelligent elopement of Bank Presidents and -several other crimes of etiquette with portraiture -on front page. But there is no news about Hon. -Mars. So I am supposing that nothing happens -there frequently. That is a nice fact to know -about Mars, if nothing else is discovered. It is<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_262"></a>[262]</span> -pleasant for Japanese Boy to imagine that this -planet is not civilized like Hon. Wells and other -prophets say-so about it. It is sweet to thought -that none of them machinery like sky-scrape, -elevator, hot-and-cold-water, subway & gasolene -is inhabiting that Hon. Star. How much more -dearer would it be for Japanese Boy if Hon. -Mars was just one plain-finish Planet where refined -persons could go after death to set inside their -souls and get away from this noisy panick of -ottomobiles!</p> - -<p>Therefore I got a poem—</p> - -<h3><i>TWINKLE, TWINKLY, LITTLE MARS</i></h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Twinkle, twinkly, little Mars,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">How I am mistaken to understood you!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So far removal</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That you are wholesomely educative to Hashimura Togo,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">If nothing else.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Isn’t there not something about Stars</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Similar to Ladies?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I bet it there is!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Sometime, by watchful gloam-time</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Loving gentlemen sit to watch for come of Fiancee.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He look—— Ah!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">She is approaching with light feetsteps.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He feel so exclamitory——</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then, of suddenly,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When she is so near as to be more accurately inspect by eye,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That lover seems mistook;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So disjunctive!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Alast!</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_263"></a>[263]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">It is not her of which he waited—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">It is some other else</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Wearing similar ostrich in her hat.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">She is maidenly, but elderly.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That lover reverences her respectibility,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But he is considerable quiet about it.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Good evening, Miss Murphy,” he say,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then make fudge exclamation in deep breath</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And depart by trolley-ride.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Are you like them things I told, Mr. Mars?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Are you more suitable for astronomy</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Than for farming?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Are you nice for telescopes,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But poor land for potatoe-grow?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I enquire.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Twinkle, twinkly, little Mars,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I demand you this:</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Reply with some intelligence to answer about yourself, or else</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I am suspicious.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Can you guarantee them Canals</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To be entirely</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Antiseptic? No malaria, no mosquitos?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Good place for Japan-American Annual Picnic?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">If you have not got no Oceans,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">How can you enjoy</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Naval battles, sea-illness, whales</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And all summer amusements what proper persons require to be good-healthy?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">If I should go to there, Mr. Mars,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Would you give me contract</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For steady job?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Could I have Sunday off, please?—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Or don’t you enjoy them holidays?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Could I have evening-time</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To study piano-play</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_264"></a>[264]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">And works of Darwin, Huxley & Jack London?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Could I have good bright room with steam-pipe in winter</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And warm bath-room for splunge?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Oh! Hon. Mars, I require to know.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Reply to me in vision of nightmare,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Telegraf in dreams.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Answer before 10 o’clock Wednesday</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Because I have got offer to work</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In steam laundry of</div> - <div class="verse indent0">W. G. Sullivan, Oakland.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>This, Mr. Editor, is a fancy poem which expects -no reply because it is too literary. Therefore I -will accept that Sullivan job. It is more easier -to go to Oakland for a laundry job than to Mars -for a Cabinet Position.</p> - -<p>Hoping you are enjoying some of that financial -distrust,</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<p>S. P.—Last Friday night Japanese Thinking -Society wished very much that you was there -among it. They indulged a debate on “What is -a Superman?” Cousin Nogi say “Theodore -Roosevelt.” I. Anazuma say “Bernard Shaw,” -but Hashimura Togo say “Arthur Kickahajama -is it, because his wife is happy about twins.” I -was made a prize for this of 50c which will be -Carnegie medal to Mrs. Kickahajama.</p> - -<p class="right">H. T.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_265"></a>[265]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXIX">XXIX<br> -<span class="smaller">STANDARD OILING ACROSS PARTY LINES</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, October 4th.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>Editor New York Newspaper which ought to act -kind of sweet & gentle to Prairie Dog Refined -& Oily Co. of Oklahoma because they are a -Small Dealer and has a Hard Stroggle.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Hon. Mr.</span>—“There are nothing more meaner -and sneeky than to took money from children, -cripples & other idiots,” say Arthur Kickahajama -yesterday with brite smile of truth.</p> - -<p>“There are one thing more meaner & sneeky,” -I dib for Loo Darkstutter expression.</p> - -<p>“What could be?” are sharp report for Arthur.</p> - -<p>“To took money from Standard Oil are more -meaner,” I say it.</p> - -<p>“Can not Hon. Standard Oil afford to lose such -money?” corporate Arthur.</p> - -<p>“Ah yes,” I stupify, “but seldom persons can -afford to accept it.”</p> - -<p>“I could receive such a gifts,” say Arthur.</p> - -<p>“Hush it,” are hiss from me; “who knows what? -Maybe Hon. Hearst have got you already on -sporty page beside portrait of Jno. D. Rockefeller<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_266"></a>[266]</span> -at sinful age of 13. Maybe you are already politickly -dead and buried under following headline:</p> - -<p class="center">HE TOOK IT!!</p> - -<p class="center"><span class="allsmcap">PUSSITIVE PROOF THAT ARTHUR</span><br> -<span class="allsmcap">T. KICKAHAJAMA, FOOLISH MISSIONARY</span><br> -<span class="allsmcap">BOY, RECEIVE 2C STAMP FROM</span><br> -OIL TRUST!!”</p> - -<p>“O please excuse!” say Arthur for pale chop. -“I have not yet took them Standard Oily money -have I?”</p> - -<p>“Not yet, but when?” say I nervusly. “You -must now be in constant state of collapse. Any moment -something might happen. Each hour post-officer -might make door-ring with yellow envelop.</p> - -<p>“‘Why I get this envelop?’ you require of post-officer -with Japanese puzzle of brain.</p> - -<p>“‘Perhaps something are inside of it,’ snuggest -Hon. Carry-it.</p> - -<p>“‘What would be inside of such a envelop?’ -you ask to know.</p> - -<p>“‘From experience I suspect it are a letter,’ -say Hon. Mailer.</p> - -<p>“You rap open envelop—and O surely so, it -<i>are</i> a letter! It begin with usual form,</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>“‘<span class="smcap">My dear Senator</span>—I enclose a tiny check for household -expenses. When front porch needs paint & carpenter -telegraph me by wire & don’t mention it.</p> - -<p>“‘Your obedient master,</p> - -<p class="right">“‘<span class="smcap">John D. Archybold</span>.’</p> - -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_267"></a>[267]</span></p> - -<p>“From envelop fall a slice of paper. You -pick up & read with entirely cross eyes. It say -$50,000.”</p> - -<p>“What I do then?” muse Arthur with moist -lips.</p> - -<p>“If you are a decent man you will faint slightly. -But it are no use. Already you are a ruined -Japanese.</p> - -<p>“You go forthly to street-walk revolved to lead -a better life & brace uply. You should like to be -honest. How useless! With quaker feeling of -ankles you straggle to saloon of Hon. Strunsky, -Irish patriot.</p> - -<p>“‘Please Hon. Mr.,’ you sub, ‘one humbel -job for poor Japanese who can still mop away -beer at $.10 per hourly payment.’</p> - -<p>“‘What references got, please?’ dib Hon. -Strunsky.</p> - -<p>“You become entirely tonsilitis for answer. -Shameful blushes from ears & eyebrows. You -gollup & your breath is full of pants.</p> - -<p>“‘Speech immediately!’ growly them famous -bartend. ‘Already I have 6 costomers awaiting -to get drunk. Again I ask to know: What references -you got?’</p> - -<p>“‘I got here letter from Jno. D. Archybold -of 26 Broadway,’ you reject with soul full of -clams.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_268"></a>[268]</span></p> - -<p>“‘What say?’ dib them Strunsky with -N. Y. <i>Journal</i> noise. ‘You come to my -clean saloon asking for 1 position of publick -trust and are sneekretly carrying around with -you a letter what would not be tolerated in -the U. S. Senate? You would be noticeable -even in Pennsylvania!’</p> - -<p>“And with them remark he roll you over beer-kag -by family entrance. Night approach and you -are alone with your scratches.”</p> - -<p>“And what next?” require Arthur with bumped -imagination.</p> - -<p>“Ain’t no next for you and Gov. Haskle,” are -reproach from me.</p> - -<p>“Yet a singed worm will twist,” submit Arthur. -“Would Gov. Haskle make sweet-dog smile to -Hon. Roosevelt when he are enjoying all them -delicious scratches?”</p> - -<p>“Perhapsly might,” am regard I make.</p> - -<p>“What-say famous saw-wisdom?” require -Arthur. “It-say, ‘Scratch a Russian and you -strike a Tartar.’”</p> - -<p>“Scratch a Senator and you strike Oil,” are -smart quotation for Japanese Schoolboy.</p> - -<p class="tb">Hon. Roosevelt have just called Hon. Bryan a -Chimera. That were a very mean curse. A -Chimera, Mr. Editor, are a horid nature-fake<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_269"></a>[269]</span> -discovered in a vacant lott by Baccus, a prominent -Greek drunkard. This queery mammal start in -to resemble a goat, but he lost interest in the subjeck -about the middle of his body, so he continue -on backwards in a squimyform appendix to -look like a bow constricktor. The goatly part -of this beast, Mr. Editor, are mild and fond -of common people and he love to nibble vegetarian -diet in Utopia where he live; but the -rear extension of that Chimera continue to point -in the direction of Wall Street where it make -wig-wag signals of distress. The farm-yard -part of them Chimera were born in 1896, but -the wiggly part were nailed on at the Denver -Convention this year.</p> - -<p>Hon. John Burro say that animals do not think. -The Chimera are an animal. Hon. Roosevelt -agree with John Burro on all subjecks.</p> - -<p>Hon. Hearst, when he discover Hon. Haskle -and Hon. Forker in act of Standard Oiling, -done a pretty fine servis to this kingdom of -America. When I think of all that good he -done I extend my hand to Hon. Hearst—and -then apologize to my Hand. That were a pretty -nice stab which Hon. Hearst made, not because -he hated Haskle less, but because he hated -Bryan more.</p> - -<p>S. Wanda, Japanese Socialist, say that Hon.<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_270"></a>[270]</span> -Hearst done what he did for love of truth & justis. -Hope so he did! But when Hon. Hearst do things -for love of truth & justis I enjoy suspicious feeling -of elbow. I am reminded of a mustylogical legend -of antique Japan.</p> - -<p>Ten thousand entire years before Hon. Darwin -discovered monkeys in England there reside in -Kyoto a politician name Suki-ho who run for Supervisor -on Democratick ticket & was beat by a -nother politician name Yen-Yen. When this result -was happened Hon. Suki-ho enjoy such angry -rages he turn entirely blue & blow smoke through -ears. Oftenly he motter, “I make a lay-to for -this Yen-Yen.”</p> - -<p>One day when it was serious heat of July Hon. -Suki-ho meet a entirely mad dog & enjoy being -bit on ankle.</p> - -<p>“O banzai of joy!” decry this patient. “I -soonly shall develop a rabbi. Then I shall bite -my dog O-Fido so he will get it.”</p> - -<p>“Why you wish bite O-Fido?” require all neighbour -for shocky voice. “You got grouches for -them nice pet?”</p> - -<p>“O-Fido are sweet companion,” arnicate that -Suki-ho, “but I shall deelight to see him bite pet -dog of Hon. Yen-Yen with a wild germ.”</p> - -<p>“You got gruj for them lap-dog of Hon. Yen-Yen?” -they ask it.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_271"></a>[271]</span></p> - -<p>“Not by no means,” erupt Hon. Suki-ho, “but -if I bite O-Fido & O-Fido bite lap-dog of Yen-Yen, -then lap-dog will bite Yen-Yen—and <i>he</i> -are the sinful crawfishing malefactor I are anxious -to get equal with.”</p> - -<p class="tb">Mr. Editor, they was not no Pastor Institute in -them days, so Hon. Suki-ho were hit in skull with -pick-ax before he could snarl at O-Fido. And it -were too bad, because Hon. Yen-Yen’s dog were -a pretty predatory canan.</p> - -<p class="tb">Mr. Editor, what-say Hon. Matt Luther in -Germany some bye-gones since? He say, “Be -true to your trust and you will get reward in -Heaven.” Numberous American patriots has make -hark-up to them words of Hon. Luther & been -very useful to both Parties. But they got their -rewards in several kinds of elsewhere. Hon. -Haskle was true to his trust & got his reward in -Oklahoma. Hon. Forker was true to his trust and -got his reward in bank deposits. Both are good -ways to know.</p> - -<p>Them two extinguished statesmen are alike to -Matt Luther in another way. Hon. Luther -enjoyed a Diet of Worms. Hon. Haskle & Hon. -Forker are now enjoying a Diet of Wormwood and -feeling considerable gall about it. And Hon.<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_272"></a>[272]</span> -Roosevelt are having more fun than he can shake -a Stick at.</p> - -<p>Hoping you are the same,</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<h3><i>SPIRAL SONG OF AMERICAN CLAW-BIRD</i></h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">O screaming!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Last night when it was entirely p. m. by larm clock (kindness loan of Cousin Nogi)</div> - <div class="verse indent0">An American claw-bird</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Made perching on my dream</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And skreech!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I enjoy a very swift night-horse.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I dream them claw-bird</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Approach to me with yellow envelope</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Of deliciously oiled appearance.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I ope it for rapture,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Then wisht I hadn’t.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For inside were a note which say</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“My dear Senator—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Please find enclosed check for $30,000 which ain’t here but are on deposit in second pawnshop around corner. Make eye-wink signal to clerk and see what happen. We received that pipe-line you sent us from Washington. Awful thanks. Send another.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Yours for business</div> - <div class="verse indent2">“Jno. D. Archybold.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“S. P.—Mr. Hearst have already got a copy of this letter, so you can destroy.”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">I read them dreamy letter</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With laughing soul—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I are famous already!</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_273"></a>[273]</span> - <div class="verse indent0">How proud my Ancestors and their folks will be to know that Hashimura Togo, ambitious boy, have stole $30,000 and done so honestly!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I put on derby,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I put on gum-slippers</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And make sneek-walk to second pawnshop around corner—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But alast!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When I got there it were closed.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I knock-knock—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I hear noise like a mystery behind door-knob,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Who there?”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Friend from Oklahoma!” I dib deceptively.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">When low!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Door burst outly</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And earnest gentleman</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With expression of eternal vigilance committee</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And Big Club by brite spektacles and teeth</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Rush out for hit.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Haskle!” say he,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Rascal!” say-me.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Then you are him!” say angry Vision making dents in my thoughtful brain.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“No, I are another Haskle,” I choke off—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“I are Jim Haskle,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A far distant cousin,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Or something else.”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Ha-ho!” laugh them Vengeance,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">“Then please to told me——”</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent10">But I are saved such humility</div> - <div class="verse indent10">By being kicked out of bed</div> - <div class="verse indent10">By Sydney Katsu, Jr.,</div> - <div class="verse indent10">My share-bunk.</div> - <div class="verse indent10">O praise to Heaven,</div> - <div class="verse indent10">Praise to Ancestors,</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_274"></a>[274]</span> - <div class="verse indent10">Praise to Sydney Katsu, Jr.,</div> - <div class="verse indent10">I have rather be kicked</div> - <div class="verse indent10">Out of 1,000 bunks</div> - <div class="verse indent10">By a Friendly Foot</div> - <div class="verse indent10">Than out of 1 Democratick Party</div> - <div class="verse indent10">By a Independence Leg.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_275"></a>[275]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXX">XXX<br> -<span class="smaller">THE HON. BOMB</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, October 14th.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To Editor New York Newspaper, who is there, -I suppose.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>—“Hon. Russia have no Constitution,” -say Cousin Nogi from newspaper. “She -require to get one with considerable quick.”</p> - -<p>“Of what use is Hon. Constitution to got it?” -I enquire for answer.</p> - -<p>“It is good thing to follow flags,” dictate Nogi -who presume so.</p> - -<p>“Constitution would have had delicious job -following Russian flag in Manchuria,” I collapse -with Port Arthur eye-wink.</p> - -<p>“Hon. Russia expect to obtain freedom in soon -space of time,” simplify this Nogi.</p> - -<p>“How she expects to got them freedom?” -I ask to know.</p> - -<p>“By bombs & bombast,” agitate Nogi.</p> - -<p>“Do Hon. Bombs get freedom for persons?” -I exemplify.</p> - -<p>“Of sure it do!” say Nogi. “If one Revolutional -gentleman make step-up to me with hand-clasp<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_276"></a>[276]</span> -full of lit bombs and decry, ‘Give me freedom -for Hon. Russia before I excite this dynamite!’ -what I reply to them speek? I reply, -‘To be certainly, Mr. Murder. Took all the freedom -you require for Hon. Russia and do not worry -about returning it.’”</p> - -<p>“You are ashamed!” I snub for scorn. “Japanese -samurai should not enjoy fear of explosions.”</p> - -<p>“I ain’t not afraid of explosions,” he-say. “I -am merely modest about loud noises.”</p> - -<p>Nogi would make very neat Czar for Russia.</p> - -<p>Of recently, Mr. Editor, I hear one Hon. -Anarchist speek about them Revolution which -is being postponed in Russia. This gentleman is -very courageous with whiskers which he wear -in all directions. He say following statistick -about Hon. Bomb:</p> - -<p>“Something are wrong about them Hon. -Bombs made in St. Petersburg. They don’t -never explode when requested to do so. Hon. -Bombs made in Japan is more better for assassinations, -because they is very faithful about going -off.” This from Hon. Anarchist.</p> - -<p>Them truth about Hon. Bombs, Mr. Editor, is -difference between all-every-thing did by Russia -& Japan. Japanese persons make war; it go -off, thank you. Russian persons make war; it<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_277"></a>[277]</span> -sizzle out by oratory. Hon. Bomb of Japan is -very energetick & dutiful; Hon. Bomb of Russia -is full of free-love policies, vodka, Gorky, shoe-buttons -& face-powder. When requested to go -off it hesitate with insulting splutters, make deceptive -pretence of going to sleep; and when, of -finally, it <i>do</i> explode, it enjoy that eruption in -vest-pocket of Hon. Nihilinsky, who is waiting -on steps of Sts. Peter & Paul to salute Little -Father.</p> - -<p>Russian Revolution is entirely like that way. -Nothing Russian goes off on time. Even their -boots is difficult to remove promptly and with their -hair it is impossible to do so. Some wise Revolutionals -say, “What Russia need is one good -program.” So fudge to think! Genius of Russia -people is all-time making delicious programs which -is forgotten, thank you, before Hon. Duma gets -a chance to talk about something else. Russia -has greatest statesmen and poorest politicians of -all-world.</p> - -<p>When Russian Revolutional leader gets took -with a dream he say, “Ah! I have got a Program!” -Immediate sensation enjoyed among Red Wing -of Holy Terror Synod.</p> - -<p>“What to do with?” require Hon. Snortsky, -Radical Leader from Dynamitovitch Province.</p> - -<p>“To read it,” say Hon. Leader. So he fold out<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_278"></a>[278]</span> -following Program which he read with considerable -elocution:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>1—10.30 <span class="allsmcap">P.M.</span> to-night Russian people will meet -at Smithsky’s Vodka Parlours and declare -themselves free of the yoke of Ramanoff.</p> - -<p>2—11.30 they will go sneekretly with brass band -to grocery store of Samsky Jonesoff and -sign Declaration of Independence.</p> - -<p>3—12.30 they will stand together and give -pass-key word of Revolution “Potempotemptomjinvery,” -which will be sign for up-rise -of peasants in Baltick Province.</p> - -<p>4—1.30 they will go to bed, setting infernal -machines for 8.29, when get-up will ensue.</p> - -<p>5—9.30 all common people of Russia will go to -Nevsky Prospeckt, where Hon. Czar & -bullet-proof procession will make pass-by -going to Peace Conference at Hague. Hon. -Czar, wife & family, Grand Duke Splurgius, -Grand Duchess Nazimova and all other -persons with such names will enjoy blow-up -with infernal machines.</p> - -<p>6—Russia will then become Constitutional -Republick with plans furnished by Bluejean -V. Debs.</p> - -</div> - -<p>This delicious Program are given to Russian -people who, with fanatick enthusiasm, carry it -out as following:</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_279"></a>[279]</span></p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>1—10.30 <span class="allsmcap">P.M.</span> enormous number of Revolutionals -meets at Smithsky’s Vodka Parlours. -Speeches, vodka & debate. All infernal -machines cleaned & repaired. Debate, -vodka & speeches. Famous Liberal Leaders -made welcome. Vodka & debate. Red -Wing of Holy Terror do some very serious -politicks. Vodka.</p> - -<p>2—11.30 they all forget to go to grocery store -of Samsky Jonesoff where Declaration of -Independence is waiting to be signed.</p> - -<p>3—12.30 they forget how to pronounce “Potempotemptomjinvery,” -so they don’t.</p> - -<p>4—1.30 they forget to go to bed.</p> - -<p>5—9.30 they forget to go to Nevsky Prospeckt -and Czar forgets to go by in procession to -Hague.</p> - -</div> - -<p>Sometime, Mr. Editor, this Program are one -trifle more fortunate. Sometime 12 or 13 of -common people of Russia remember to go to -Nevsky Prospeckt at 9.30, carrying mottoes, flags, -infernal machinery & other patriotick devices. -Pretty soonly along come Little Father in bomb-proof -carriage.</p> - -<p>“Gen. Creepoff,” he say to Chief of Police, -“what are all them tick-tock sounds I hear like -busy day in Waterbury Watch factory?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_280"></a>[280]</span></p> - -<p>“Them,” say Gen. Creepoff, “are infernal -machinery of Russian people waiting to give -your Majesty God-speed.”</p> - -<p>“What time is them machinery set for?” say -Majesty rubbing pale nerves at elbow.</p> - -<p>“For 9.30 <span class="allsmcap">A. M.</span>, Hon. Sire,” say Gen.</p> - -<p>“Drive onwards, Hon. Coachman,” say Little -Father with smiling expression. “Them infernal -machinery will not go off before 1.30, because -every clock in St. Petersburg is 4 hours slow!”</p> - -<p>And so it do happen. Them patent exploders -lay in gutter waiting with loud clock-work noise till -afternoon-time. They don’t see no aristocracy -worth blowing up, so they don’t. But with -immediate promptness at 1.30 <span class="allsmcap">P. M.</span> all them -machine make smash-off and kill parade of Cigar -Makers’ Union out on strike.</p> - -<p class="tb">Mr. Editor, one gentleman of New York, of -recently, throw bomb to Hon. Police who afterward -pick him together from fence & trees. He -was Nihilist gentleman who was practising. -Bombs is more noisy than pianos when practised -on, but they has less endurance. When Hon. -Police with club enquire of them Hon. Nihilist, -“Why did you done them explosion with Hon. -Bomb?” he make reply for answer, “Because-so -I am disagreeable about your politicks.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_281"></a>[281]</span></p> - -<p>Bombs is very wrong things to have around -when you are disagreeable about anything. I ask -to know; what would be result if all persons done -that for argument? I am disagreeable about -W. Furo who come around with Italian garlick -in his voice. Must I bomb him for it? I am -offended by Hon. Strunsky, Irish gentleman -who keeps saloon. Shall I make bang-up of him -because of? Must I explode all labour unions, -Democrats, Christians and troubles of life, including -Cousin Nogi, who is secretive about my -refined shirt he borrow for Sunday next? Ah no! -Dynamite are too expensive to be so generous -with.</p> - -<p>I am regretful, Mr. Editor, to see them foreign -species of explosions being brought over to this -kingdom of America where murder has always -been very simple & democratick. It are nassuating -to Japanese Boy to see them Baltick propoganders -dropping deathly fireworks into Union -Square, N. Y. It is one sneeky trick. How -much more honest and straight-fronted are it -to see one Southern Congressman shoot negro -vote in street-car of Washington! Black Handed -Association of Italian secret knife-stick are very -doggish case of lowdown deprave; but Night -Riding Association of American lynchers is considered -very necessary band of patriotick terrors.<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_282"></a>[282]</span> -When Black Handers shoot Italian banker it is -call “imported crime;” when Night Riders shoot -Southern farmer it is call “American custom.” -There are great difference between them acts, -but both are good ways to know.</p> - -<p>There is some philanthropists what goes around -Hon. World bombing kings, emperors, etc., -whenever one is met.</p> - -<p>“Why you explode them kings & emperors?” -I enquire to know of one Hon. Asassin I meet at -sidewalk.</p> - -<p>“Because-so,” say Hon. Asassin, “by sufficient -bombing, shoot-gun & poison of soup I expect -to rid Hon. World of its entire rulers.”</p> - -<p>“Such childhood thought!” I decline. “When -you kill Hon. Emperor, what happen? There is -still Hon. President. When you kill Hon. President, -how yet? There is still Hon. Sec. of State. -Him asassinated, then there remain House of -Representators, which might be blew up, but -Governors of all States must be also exploded, to -remove rulers. Then which? Then there is -Mayors of towns to gunpowder, then political -Boss of each election district. When them is -erupted Hon. Aldermans must enjoy gunshot -wound. They are dead. What next? Then -city hall employees, street cleaning department, -board of healthful & all clerks of city treasury.<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_283"></a>[283]</span> -All buried with funerals. Oh my! We have -forgot to dynamite Hon. Police Department. <i>That</i> -are a job for considerable chemicals, but it can -be done by patient bombing. Pretty soonly -nothing of Hon. Police but smoke & occasional -brass buttons as souvenirs. What then? Each -grown man with American moustache arise to -wife and say, ‘I am ruler of this homested!’ -Bang for him! Pretty good job of explosion. -After this, basso voice of mans is very hard to -hear. No gentlemans left in Hon. World except -small collection of Hon. Anarchists which is all -running for President on Independent ticket.”</p> - -<p>“And what must ensue then?” aggrope Hon. -Anarchist with bomb.</p> - -<p>“Then,” I snuggest, “country must select -ruler. Nothing to do but to elect one Anarchist, -which do not believe in rulers. Therefore Anarchists -boom bomb to each other till all are minus -by decease.”</p> - -<p>“Banzai!” say Anarchist. “When all are -thus dead there will be nobody remaining to be -rulers! Such ideal affairs!!”</p> - -<p>“Such is wrong statistick,” I say. “When -men is all dead, then will be fine politicks for -Suffergettes.”</p> - -<p>Hon. Anarchist hear this and disjoint himself -with groans. When person sets out to explode<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_284"></a>[284]</span> -all Rulers in this Hon. World we have got too -large Fourth of July for Powder Trust to handle.</p> - -<p>Hoping you will be in time for red flag before -blow-off,</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<p>S. P.—I know it! Last night by street-corner -Anarchist oratory say-so “soil of Russia is -wet with tear-drops of walked-over peasantry.” -Maybe that is trouble with Russian bombs.</p> - -<p class="right">H. T.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_285"></a>[285]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXXI">XXXI<br> -<span class="smaller">ENJOYMENT OF HUNGER AMONG POOR MANS</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, October 18th.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To my friendship companion, Editor New York -newspaper, which is a very warm thing.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dear Mr.</span>—When Hon. Taft make Presedential -Speech to idle labouring classes in N. Y. of -recently, one Hungry Man in audience send up -following question to know:</p> - -<p><i>“How can I get job and food when I have not -got it?”</i></p> - -<p>Hon. Taft, which had been answering with -prompt delivery such fearful difficult questions like -“How to shut up the Tariff?” “What was dying -speech of Ralph Waldo Emerson?” “Was Hamlet -insane?” etc., make moment of solum hesitation -before large simplicity of that Hungry Man -question,</p> - -<p><i>“How can I get job & food when I have not -got it?”</i></p> - -<p>For sixty-four seconds of clock-time he pause -wiping dew-drop from neck, then, standing -seriously with elbows in pockets, he make following -famous reply,</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_286"></a>[286]</span></p> - -<p>“God knows!”</p> - -<p>Mr. Editor, I don’t not believe that Hon. Taft -referred that reply to higher authority because of -ignorance inside of brain. Hon. Taft is kind & -wise Judge of considerable practice—then why -he not able to answer in 64 seconds that Question -what labouring classes have been enquiring to -know in North Dakota, South Dakota, Europe, -Asia & Africa for 64 centuries? How can he be -very nice President for these U. S. if not?</p> - -<p>May be-so Hon. Taft will give some serious -brain-thought to this problem before nomination-day. -If he is too busy with himself to do it, -Japanese Boy will told him how to find out. Go, -please at once and read editorial-page of Hon. -Hearst, where all Great Questions, including -marriage, socialism, underwear, care of teeth, -religion, horse-racing, etc., is answered to delicious -satisfaction of all persons who read nothing else. -Hon. Taft would not say “God only knows!” -after such instructive course of reading.</p> - -<p class="tb">But in the meanwhile, what have happen to -that Hungry Man? If he is still waiting for meal-time -he must be enjoying considerable Social -Unrest, because Hunger and Social Unrest are -very affectionate chumbs. Hon. Wilshire have -heard of this Hungry Man question “How to<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_287"></a>[287]</span> -get food when not got it?” and Hon. Wilshire -answer with considerable speed, “By changing -the Existing Order of Things.” That is very -intelligible reply, but I ask to know: Can that -Hungry Man wait for lunch while Hon. Wilshire -changes Existing Order of Things?</p> - -<p>There is considerable conversation to be -heard about changing Existing Order of Things. -Maybe so it can be. But some kind gentleman -what would change Existing Disorder of Things -would receive more solid Japanese Vote.</p> - -<p>I. Anazuma, Japanese barber of Taft enthusiasm, -deploy, “Hungry Man can enquire of -Charity for it.”</p> - -<p>I make considerable banzai with laugh.</p> - -<p>“Faith, Hope & Charity is celebrated triplets -for sculptors to make,” I allude. “Persons must -have elaborate amounts of Faith & Hope to obtain -some Charity out of them organizations of it.”</p> - -<p>“How deserving must poor be to obtain groceries -for it?” ask this Anazuma.</p> - -<p>So I tell this Japanese barber following yarn-tale -of charity while he was putting hair-cut on -my head:</p> - -<p>Hon. Oscar Casey, dough-baker for wages, -suddenly become unemployed by no job. He -would be delighted to make bread somewhere, but -he is not required there, thank you. So he soonly<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_288"></a>[288]</span> -begin enjoying hunger & faint symptoms of -esophagus. He make street-walk to see what. -In midst of promenading he observe one intensely -beautiful sky-scrape palace with sign on it</p> - -<p class="center"><span class="allsmcap">“ORGANIZED MAGNATE CHARITY CO.”</span></p> - -<p>“Oh ha!” say Hon. Casey for blissful ankles. -“I will apply myself to this charitable place and -require some of it.”</p> - -<p>In Italian marble hallway Elevator Man meet -him to enquire,</p> - -<p>“Name, if convenient!”</p> - -<p>“I am name Hon. Oscar Casey, formerly skillful -at dough-baking.”</p> - -<p>“This is very wrong doorway for bakers,” -collapse Elevator Man. “Apply to trademan -entrance.”</p> - -<p>So down to trademan entrance this Hon. Casey -go, where he is collided by Hon. Janitor.</p> - -<p>“What suffering from?” declaim this Hon. -Janitor.</p> - -<p>“I am enjoying hunger,” signify this Hon. -Casey.</p> - -<p>“What degree of hunger?” he inquire to know.</p> - -<p>“Thirty-third degree, please,” pacify Casey -who is sure of it.</p> - -<p>“Have you one Doctor’s Certificate to prove -such a conditional appetite?” decry Hon. Janitor.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_289"></a>[289]</span></p> - -<p>“I have neglected to get!” profess this Casey.</p> - -<p>“Then go get!” say Janitor. “Come back next -Wednesday-noon with doctoring Certificate to -prove you are habitually hungry; also deliver -references from 3 clubs and 2 banks to prove that -you are financially responsible.”</p> - -<p class="tb">Saying-so thus Janitor make slam-door.</p> - -<p>Hon. Casey exist, maybe, on Faith & Hope -waiting for Charity to arrive by Wednesday-noon. -That day he apply again to Janitor of -Organized Magnate Charity.</p> - -<p>“Have you brung them certificate?” demand -that stern office.</p> - -<p>“No, not to do, because I feel foolish to,” say -Hon. Casey.</p> - -<p>“If you feel so foolish,” say Hon. Janitor, -“apply for ade to Home for Feebly Minded.” -So to Feebly Minded Residence elope that hopeful -Casey.</p> - -<p>“What required, please?” say lady matron of -that weak-thinking place.</p> - -<p>“Something to eat it!” demand Hon. Casey. -Matron of soft-memory headquarters look very -severe with face.</p> - -<p>“Why did you not require at Organized Magnate -Charity Co. for it?”</p> - -<p>“I done so, please,” say Casey.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_290"></a>[290]</span></p> - -<p>“And what of?” collapse Hon. Matron.</p> - -<p>“They treat me like dog!” say him.</p> - -<p>“Quite well,” deploy Hon. Madam. “Then -you should apply to Society for Prevention of -Cruelty to Animals for helping aid.”</p> - -<p>Hon. Casey limp to Animal Cruelty place, but -is kept outside with other sickly dogs while fashionable -millinary inside listens to lecture on -“Crimes of Vivisection.”</p> - -<p>What, then, can Casey do for luncheon which -is becoming impatient? Where he go to obtain -job of situation? When man ask for work in -Pennsylvania they say, “Go to California.” -When he inquire for employment in California -they decry, “Go to Arizona.” When he report -for job in Arizona they proclaim, “Go to Blazes!” -But by this time he no can do, because car-fare -is too exhausted to continue travelling.</p> - -<p>Hungry Man desiring to become criminal might -burst in some bank—but what would he find if -he did?</p> - -<p class="tb">I am a schoolfriend of Frank the Japanned -Bootpolish, who is a very thoughtful caretaker -for shines on all feet with no extra charge for -tan & Russian leather. His name, which is pronounce -“Frank” in America-language, is called -Kurumazitsu Ubunodzuruma in Japanese-talk.<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_291"></a>[291]</span> -Nearly every <i>u</i> in this name is pronounced silently, -please, which make a very delicious noise for all -Japanese to hear. But America-mans cannot -neglect business to finish such words: therefore -they say “Frank,” which is good short-order name -for Christians to use.</p> - -<p>This Frank, who is studying to be a Anarchist, -come to me yesterday to use my room-rent.</p> - -<p>“One million mans is now idly looking for -work,” he-say.</p> - -<p>“In what city?” I require to examine. He is -hesitated by confusion.</p> - -<p>“I am neglectful to enquiry,” he profess. -“Maybe it was in New York or Chicago. It is -difficult to suspect Syracuse or Toledo of so much -idle population.”</p> - -<p>“Figures is habitually truthful,” I suffocate -in kind voice. “Therefore it is important to -discover how to obtain jobs of employment for -them 1,000,000 mans.”</p> - -<p>“Some 150,000 of them persons belongs to -idly wealthy classes,” renig this Frank. “It -would be insulting to offer them jobs of employment.”</p> - -<p>“I am relieved to hear,” I report. “It is our -duty, then, to find work for merely 850,000 human -persons who are not now doing so.”</p> - -<p>“This is not hard problemb for 2 bright Japanese<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_292"></a>[292]</span> -Boys to answer,” promote that Hon. Frank -sharpening pencil.</p> - -<p>So with immediate quickness we find employment -for them 850,000 workers by following -statistick:</p> - -<table> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">100,000</td> - <td>is to have jobs on Police Force which is never sufficiently enough.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">250,000</td> - <td>is to be joined to Stand-up Army which Gen. Hobson requires to fight Japan or any other friendly Power.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">75,000</td> - <td>to be kerosene-sprinkles & encourage mosquitos to race-suicide.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">100,000</td> - <td>to be Bill-collectors & take fines away from Quelled Corporations.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr">50,000</td> - <td>circus-riders to join Roosevelt’s Rough Officers’ Class.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdr" style="border-top: thin solid black;">575,000</td> - <td>for sum-total who we have got jobs for.</td> - </tr> -</table> - -<p>That leaved 275,000 still looking for work which -Frank refused to find for them because he was -enjoying considerable head-ache. We might have -did some kindness of act for them, but could we? -If Hon. Taft, when asked “How shall able-body -worker get it?” must reply for answer “God -knows!” is not Japanese Boys excusable for forgetting -a few thousand?</p> - -<p>Them 275,000 workers might do digging operations<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_293"></a>[293]</span> -on Panama Canal, but would they? Climbate -is too much miasma down so low in the map. -Hon. Frank the Japanned Bootpolish say-how -that Hon. Roosevelt might move Panama Canal -to New Jersey where climbate is more callabrious. -This is a very brilliant plan for Congress to ignore.</p> - -<p>If them million mans is idly unemployed is it -fault of America because? Many American -patriots who says these U. S. have very wicked -government are persons which comes from Baltic -provinces of Russia where common people is not -wonderfully successful about governing therselves. -Can Pres. Roosevelt obtain cheerful advice from -them persons which is only happy when enjoying -misery?</p> - -<p>Yet it is not best-beautiful thing for any kingdom -to have 1,000,000 mans idly unemployed. -Hon. Chancellor Day, famous Socialist, say it is -all to blame of Pres. Roosevelt who done it. -Maybe so it is. In great Christian country like -this it is very dangerous experiment to preach the -law “Thou shalt not steal.” Panick of fear is -apt to follow with general shut-up of factories, -trust companies & other religious institutions.</p> - -<p class="tb">Hon. Forker say, “This kingdom need some -new President what will restore publick Confidence.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_294"></a>[294]</span></p> - -<p>Such brightness of idea! Let us have get-together -and elect Hon. Forker so that all publick -Confidence Men can be restored to power!</p> - -<p>Hoping you will be one of them,</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<p>S. P.—If you have got anything & wish to -write it to me by letter, my address of residence is -as following:</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30em;"> - -<p class="noindent"><i>H. Togo,</i><br> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Patriots of Japan Boarding and Lodging,</i></span><br> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Near Water Front</i></span><br> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Back room by Kitchenette</i></span><br> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Care Frank the Japanned Bootpolish.</i></span> <span style="margin-left: 2em;"><i>San Francisco.</i></span></p> - -</div> - -<p>Sometime I am not to at-home, but Frank, -which is one sweet schoolfriend to me, will poke -it under door till I return from permanent seek for -employment.</p> - -<p class="right">H. T.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_295"></a>[295]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXXII">XXXII<br> -<span class="smaller">THE ALCOHOLIC TEMPERANCE MOVEMENT</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, October 22d.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To Editor of New York Newspaper which is -often read by all Japanese who can afford -it, I assure you.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>—I am given to be told by some -wise Editors, etc., that these U. S. is now enjoying -the temperance of Prohibition in many States and -more too. Although I can not notice such a -movement in this street, perhaps it is slightly true. -In several sections of this kingdom whisky-drunking -is becoming unknown by law, salooners -is quitting that sinfulness & all bar-keeps is -retiring from that public office. In South, army -of reform is playing “Marching Through Georgia” -on water-pitchers. Is this a truthful news what -I hear? I enquire to know, so I can go there, -please.</p> - -<p>By newspaper print I read this early morning: -“Wave of temperance against salooners is creeping -in direction of New York.” First I greet this -with glad banzai, then I am depressed of thought. -Wave of temperate prohibition is on road to New<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_296"></a>[296]</span> -York, but will it arrive there? And if it should -do this, what will happen to it when got there? -That is problem for Japanese Boy.</p> - -<p>And yet I am earnest to say it. Prohibition of -drunk is a comfortable blessing to demand, -because it is very difficulty for white persons to -be tame when exposed to wild beverages. Irish, -Swedish, Italian & Jewish is most useful for -calamities by feeding them whisky. Japanese is -also too patriotic when enjoying bun-bun.</p> - -<p class="tb">In the great cities of America where persons -is brought together for living over each other by -sky-scrape apartment the sell of whisky spoil the -low layers of society. Labouring classes stop -being it because of alcohol poison and other -ingredients to be found in it. Labourer so -poisoned can not support dear wife & child -because he is resting in jail for what he done. -This is especially true of Chicago.</p> - -<p>Tip-top layers of society also enjoy poison from -this liquour curse, but they are less pitiful because -they do not rest in jail. Salooners must not be -forsaken by wealthy persons because these can -still be respected when least respectable. But -salooners must be closed up from low layers of -society which must continue to work and keep up -appearances of great city. If not these, who would?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_297"></a>[297]</span></p> - -<p>Whisky is divided into four kinds of bottle by -following statistick:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>1. Whisky of Scottish descent to be drunk -standing up.</p> - -<p>2. Whisky of Irish descent to be drunk setting -down.</p> - -<p>3. Whisky of American nationality to be took -in bed.</p> - -<p>4. Whisky of patent medical origin to be took -before death.</p> - -</div> - -<p>None of these beverages must be taken -without family physician. Alcohol do most -injury to cities. In country districts it is less -harmful because there is more room for it to -stampede.</p> - -<p>At the Sunday school of which I am a membership -to learn languages, etc., we there have Japanese -Boy Temperance League which meet every -Tuesday night for prohibition conversation. I -attend to this meeting regularity, because free -lemonade of delightful sourness is furnished free. -Hon. Miss K. N. McGee, Christian lady of light-weight -beauty, come there to teach us how to do -so. She instruct us in the song-sing melody, -“Cold Water is the Drunk for Me,” and explain -about the various mocking qualities of wine. -When she say “wine is mocker” do she mean<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_298"></a>[298]</span> -about some wine which is imitation of some other -brand? She does not answer to reply.</p> - -<p>She say, “Mr. Togo, you must not drunk any -drink however mild, because this lead to stronger -and stronger yet till gray hairs to sorry grave.”</p> - -<p>“Do water-drunking lead to lemonade drunking?” -I require.</p> - -<p>“Maybe so it might,” she otter.</p> - -<p>“So thus, do lemonade-drunking result for -soda-water thirsty?”</p> - -<p>“Perhaps is,” she contradict.</p> - -<p>“Then if, do soda-water collapse to ginger-ale -tonic?”</p> - -<p>“I signify it.”</p> - -<p>“And this then: Might Japanese Boy what -is raised by ginger-ale crave for beer-drunking -from this?”</p> - -<p>“I am dangerous to reply,” say this Hon. Miss -McGee.</p> - -<p>“So sorry to hear!” I terminate. “Because -weak-drunk lead to strong-drunk, strong-drunk to -powerful-drunk—and yet you say it! What -for you teach Japanese Boy ‘Cold Water is the -Drunk for Me’? Water lead to lemonade, -lemonade to soda-water, soda-water to ginger-ale, -ginger-ale to beer-glass—sakes of living! What -to do with this thirsty?”</p> - -<p>“Togo,” she commute, “you are too foolish<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_299"></a>[299]</span> -to learn what of. This evening-time when -lemonade is pass around you must avoid it because -too tempting.”</p> - -<p>I listen, and yet I will not do so.</p> - -<p class="tb">The reason why I make disagreeable argument -about the temperance is not because I do not -believe it is good for all human animals. O no! -It is most best blessing for those communities -which desire to be cleanly and modern plumbing. -But why should this hon. lady be so Christian in -the way she say it? Can only Christians be -prohibition? What about heathens like I am-so -who do not care about wine-sip & beer-gulp? -Must they accompany this quietness of thirst -with song-sing about cold water? Answer is, -No! Many heathens is very abstemperous -of stomach. Many Christians is not. Many -Christians when become filled up with alcohol -feel obliged to make crimes including boastful -talk which lead to murder of something. Will -driving out of salooners in business do good for -those bad persons? I hope to be.</p> - -<p>To enquire about what will happen to salooners -when drove out I go to Hon. Strunsky, Irish -gentleman who conduct saloon.</p> - -<p>“Honourable sir,” I magnify, “if the legal laws -of this San Francisco become prohibition, so sorry<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_300"></a>[300]</span> -for you! What would you do with this saloon -to make profitable wealth from it?”</p> - -<p>“That is easy to reply,” say Hon. Strunsky. -“I would turn it into a drug store.”</p> - -<p>I am shuddering when I think of that deceptive -man.</p> - -<p class="tb">I have obtained a slight job of employment -waiting on table-board of Fujiyama Restaurant, -H. Sunigawa, Prop. This profession give me $2 -weekly sum, also three times daily to eat it. -As addition to money sum I receive $1 weekly from -my cousin Nogi to help him do Japanese spy -work. From this sum of $3 weekly pay I expend -it away as following:</p> - -<table> - <tr> - <td>Schoolbooks which I can not borrow</td> - <td class="tdr">.55</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Cigarettes & other dissipated joys</td> - <td class="tdr">.15</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Shoe-strings & neckties</td> - <td class="tdr">.20</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Contribution to church when necessary</td> - <td class="tdr">.05</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Car-fare for Japanese ladies</td> - <td class="tdr">.45</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Poker-playing & music</td> - <td class="tdr">.26</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Total of this</td> - <td class="tdr" style="border-top: thin solid black;">$1.66</td> - </tr> -</table> - -<p>After this money has went you can count it, -Mr. Editor. I have to keep $1.34 of weekly cash -which I will save together for sufficient boat-fare -to go back Japan. Maybe I will not go at that -time—if so I will do something else and get -married.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_301"></a>[301]</span></p> - -<p>Of evening time I am frequent to attend lectures -where I learn facts of intelligence very cheap. -Last night I go to speech of Dr. O. Sumuchi, -Japanese surgery, on subjeck of “Alcohol Inside -of People.” Hon. Dr. Sumuchi had most beautiful -lecture because of magic-lantern showing -human stomach under surprised conditions. -Following charts was showed during lecture:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>No. 1.—Pink of colour. Exposure of stomach -during calm moments before alcohol has got there.</p> - -<p>No. 2.—More red of colour. Exposure of -stomach which enjoys happy, smiling expression -because alcohol have arrived.</p> - -<p>No. 3.—Angry mix of colour. Exposure of -this stomach when alcohol have remain there -too long for polite welcome. Stomach now enjoy -angry rage and desire to quit.</p> - -<p>No. 4.—Colour of Scottish plaid. Exposure -of stomach when alcohol have continue to do so -too late. I am sorry for this stomach because it -look so brilliant, yet feel so dull!</p> - -</div> - -<p>Dr. Sumuchi say so about that stomach when -so fanciful from decoration of alcohol. He say, -“Such stomach is so satisfied by alcohol it will -burn up by striking match to it.”</p> - -<p>“Persons enjoying such a stomachs must avoid -swallowing matches,” is answer of Japanese -Schoolboy.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_302"></a>[302]</span></p> - -<p>This is translation from Japanese temperance -legend:</p> - -<p>Some time back in astronomy before the -world got a very good start and homely giants -of disgusting profile was employing timber-trees -for tooth-pick, there reside in high top-mountain -one bad Drink Dragon. Now when that there -Drink Dragon got thirsted he was a very serious -snake, thank you. When them giants would hear -one grand roary-sound from mountain they would -make considerable eye-wink and decry, “Hon. -Dragon is enjoying trouble!”</p> - -<p>One morning by daylight this great Worm -made landslide down mountain in search of something -with which to squelch his thirsty. Soon -again he come to Hon. Ocean and snuggest, “Good -morning, Mr. Ocean, I have came to drunk you -up, please.”</p> - -<p>Then Ocean laugh considerable joke. “This -is pretty wrong place for thirsty Snake to come -for gobbly rejoicing. I am great Prohibition -Wave. Nothing to do, Hon. Serpent!”</p> - -<p>Then this Drink Dragon throw fire-engine -sparks from his gills making earthquake and he -go at that Hon. Ocean to devour it up. And -Ocean, with cyclone of storms, rise up on back -legs to meet Hon. Dragon. One, two! they<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_303"></a>[303]</span> -arrive together! Such mixing of destruction, -such powerful struggly! Ocean make hiss on red-hot -steam-pipe of Dragon and this Serpent make -hot stew of Ocean. O great jiu jitsu! First -Snake push Ocean to moon, then Ocean drag -Dragon to North Pole. But finally, when both -is tired out, Dragon say, “Excuse it, Mr. Ocean, -while I scratch my eyebrow.” And while Dragon -was doing that peaceful act, Hon. Ocean took -mean advantage and gollup Dragon to deep-down -bottom. But he was not dead. Oh no, -thank you, Snakes is not slewed with this quickness -of speed. Ninety-nine thousand years -relapse and Dragon swim up, one day, on wave of -temperance. And this time he is called Sea -Serpent and is permitted to remain, please.</p> - -<p>Moral for this tale is thus:</p> - -<p>Water-Wave can not drowned Drink Dragon, -but it can cause very unhappy feelings for that -brutal beast, thank you.</p> - -<p>Hoping you are the same,</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_304"></a>[304]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXXIII">XXXIII<br> -<span class="smaller">THE SALOON IN OUR TOWN</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco,</span> October 28th.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To Editor New York Newspaper who offer prize -to letter-writer what can tell storey of best -Drunk and can prove it.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Hon. Dear</span>—In our town resides many -Saloons; and when you have saw them all you -will be surprise to find there is several more just -around corner. Many of them Saloons can be -told apart by looking at them. Some of them -is paint bright & goddy colour of a ottomobiles -with screeches at doors where they are red & -purpal. Drunkerds what see that mad-coloured -outside must go inside & forget it. And when -they are inside they must stay there long time for -nervus collapse. When they are inside they -can’t not see the outside—and in such a state -who knows what?</p> - -<p>Other Saloons is managed with entire plate-glass -and completely wooden polish all over it to -make deceptive resemblance of First National -Bank, so that refined drunkerds can go there -with a stock-broke feeling. Such Saloons require<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_305"></a>[305]</span> -a paying teller to do barkeeping and be pretty -civilized, thank you. Them palaces is incomplete -if they ain’t got over Hon. Bar a horbly -artistick oily-paint pink portrait of Mrs. Venus the -way she looked when Hon. Columbus discovered -her. She got a hansom gilt frame around her -and nothing else. All them portraits cost $10,000 -apiece, because Hon. Barkeep say so.</p> - -<p>All Saloons has got a phonograf with exception -of Hotels which has a okestra. Americans which -wishes to become drunk in silence must join a -Club. Hon. Strunsky, Irish salooner, make his -phonograf play “I Am Long about My Old -Contucky Home” because he wish to serve -sweetheart influences with his beer; but Hon. -Sheehan on opp. corner make <i>his</i> phonograf play -“Happy Widow Waltz” and “We Won’t Go -Home in the Darkness” because he-say drunkerds -often gets stingy & reforms when they hears -homesick musick. Hon. Strunsky say they drink -to drown trouble, Hon. Sheehan say they drink -to cause it. Both are good ways to know.</p> - -<p class="tb">Tuesday Hon. Strunsky, Irish salooner, give -me temporarial job of work to help persons get -drunk by doing so. I am now not there as usual. -But I learn how-do while I was. In salooning -whisky-drunk are applied to them for price<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_306"></a>[306]</span> -$.10 and beer-drunk for price $.05 eech goblet. -Green persons unacquainted with salooning have -suppose it would be cheaper for drink beer at $.05 -for one long quench when whisky cost twict as -much for 1 tinty small splatter of. But such is -truthless. One (1) small jounce from whisky -contain 2 or 3 times more vixen as a grown-up -gobble full of beer. Howeverly, iced drunkerds -perfers beer because of pleased trickle.</p> - -<p>I are not permitted to sell it to them thirsts at -Strunsky saloon, because I are not sufficiently intelligent; -so I must rubb glaswares & mop to floor, -also become attentive to Hon. Phonograf which require -68 wind-up with squeek about “Old Contucky -Home” which please G. W. McCann, prominent -Drunk, till he weep because it sound human. I am -seriously worked to keep this job; and yet I am -entirely educational about all intoxicants when -doing so.</p> - -<p>“There is some good salooners and some -bad,” say letter-writer to newspaper. I have -sneeked farly & wide with gum-slippers, but am -disabled to find such a bad salooner. Whenever -I speek uply to a salooner for question, “Are -you such a bad salooner?” he answer for reply, -“Ah, no! I are an entirely good kind.”</p> - -<p>“Ain’t they no such things as Bad Salooners?” -I ask Hon. Strunsky for queery.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_307"></a>[307]</span></p> - -<p>“They <i>are</i> some such,” he say for chased -expression, “but they are horbly difficult to -discover.”</p> - -<p>Hon. Strunsky are a very nice variety of Good -Salooner. He acknowledj it himself. G. W. -McCann say Hon. Strunsky have a heart like a -watermelon. I noticed it. It are large, but -often deliciously iced. He are a sweet & liberal -man to all persons what got sufficient cash-money -to pay for it. When the poor calls to the bar of -Strunsky for loan of money he seldom turn them -off with empty grouch. The safe of Hon. Strunsky -is full of watches, stuck-pins, repaired clothing, -deed of house & lott, and other hardware what -the poor has left as security. Them sweet -salooner will never turn deaf eye to want & -misery as long as want & misery will leave month’s -wages at Hon. Bar. A kindy man are Hon. -Strunsky.</p> - -<p>This benefacting gentleman believe in keeping -his saloon clean & full of home influences. He -don’t not believe in no rye-bald scenes of debutchery -around place. So when a coal-chuck become -entire paralysis there, Hon. Strunsky remove -remainder of wage from pockets of them unforchnate -man & he are nex discovered in street. -When U. S. marine sailor enjoy stab-cut in this -Strunsky home his remainder are dragged quietly<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_308"></a>[308]</span> -to a alley full of shadows so he will not die all -over nice saw-dust floor.</p> - -<p>Last Wednesday while Hon. Strunsky was -elsewhere talking about it Hon. G. W. McCann, -prominent drunkerd, come-me sneekretly with -Standard Oil expression and request 1 free drink -as a loving gift.</p> - -<p>“Why you deserve such free gift?” is question -for me.</p> - -<p>“I are a large tank-line & therefore entitled -to occasional rebates,” he betray.</p> - -<p>So I give him considerable goblet of and interview -him for temperance movement.</p> - -<p>“Why do men drink alcohol?” are first question -I make.</p> - -<p>“Because they can not eat it,” are relapse for -him.</p> - -<p>“Do whisky-booz do harmful injry to interior -when took in excess?” I repent.</p> - -<p>“Suppose so,” smack he, “59 successive -tumblers are sufficient for a strong man.”</p> - -<p>“Are a moderate drunk good for persons?” -next come out.</p> - -<p>“O sure of!” he negotiate, “I can feel it doing -so.”</p> - -<p>“It are no true joy what leave a dark browny -taste in morning,” I say for David Star Jordan -expression.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_309"></a>[309]</span></p> - -<p>“It are no true joy in the morning, but it are -a very fine imitation of it the night before,” -commute that sinny drunk.</p> - -<p>“Hon. Horce, famous Roman writer, say-how -whisky make poets sing,” is arrival for me.</p> - -<p>“Suppose he are right,” say Hon. McCann. -“I have often enjoyed singing in ears by early -morning.”</p> - -<p>I make note of this phenomenal.</p> - -<p>“All saloons looks alike to me,” regret Hon. -Drunk.</p> - -<p>“So sad to hear!” I rake out. “Saloons -is entirely different in appearance. Some is red, -some pink, some plate-glassed by door to look -like National-Bank—how you no tell difference?”</p> - -<p>“We cross the bar at different places,” he -report, “but we all come out in the same boat.”</p> - -<p>“You regret downly path you took?” I ask it.</p> - -<p>“I got no regret, thank you,” he reject. “With -another drink I could beat the world.”</p> - -<p>So he go home and beat his wife, as usual.</p> - -<p class="tb">In night-time I burst soda-syfen to mirror of -Strunsky saloon, so I decide to be a temperance -Japanese & resign before discovery & kick. So -I go back to my bedstead at Patriots of Japan -Board & Lodging where I find O-Fido who make<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_310"></a>[310]</span> -joy-signal to me by snubbed tail. He are merely -a doggly pup who ain’t got no soul to skare with -Demon Rums, etc. He ain’t go no ambition & -are fond of milk. He imagine Hashimura Togo -are Emperor of Japan, I suppose. I permit him -to be decieved.</p> - -<p>I remove off my shoes for comfert & took down -book of Rubbert Burn, famous Scotch, for read it. -I study them soft musick about “Flow gentle, -sweet Afton”—and then I think how people -say-so that he were most greatest Poet when most -drunk. Maybe-so he were; but I never seen no -drunks act that way around saloon of Hon. -Strunsky.</p> - -<p>When—of suddenly—come rap-tap at door. -And inwards arrive Bunkio Saguchi, fly-away -Japanese, with jaggly expression of one who has.</p> - -<p>“I wish to give banzai to entire human race to -include Nick, Zar of Russia, who are merely a -mistake,” gollup Bunkio. “I wish to telegraf -happy greet to all politicians in & out of office to -include Col. Guffey, who——”</p> - -<p>He make set-down to floor because he think it -was a chair.</p> - -<p>“You are in a toxic condition,” I dib frownly.</p> - -<p>“Many persons are most intelligent when so,” -he motter.</p> - -<p>“Many persons are least so,” I flap back.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_311"></a>[311]</span></p> - -<p>“General Grant, great leader, enjoyed spells -of drunk,” say Bunkio for argument.</p> - -<p>“Alexander the Great enjoyed allepeptick fits,” -I smoke up, “yet every person what takes a spasm -cannot conker new worlds.”</p> - -<p>“Many a battles has been won by gin-wine,” -rasp that jaggly boy.</p> - -<p>“Battle of Mukden were not,” I dib. “In -them battle Japanese was full of banzai, Russians -was full of vodka. To-morrow when you are -calm some brite Japanese Schoolboy will told you -who won them famous target-practice.”</p> - -<p>I put him in my bedstead & tock under covers -for wet towel on brow. Soonly he enjoy tear-drop -of eye & say he was cris-crossed in love; -then he make good-night for eye-brows.</p> - -<p>Me & O-Fido go take walk & forget such -scenery. At Oisoya Hotel, Pine St. near Kerney, -I see several Japanese Schoolboys doing a conversation.</p> - -<p>“To-night I are a Aunty Saloon Leg,” I say-it -by virtuous chest. “But to-morrow I may feel -better & enjoy slight beer ceremony.”</p> - -<p>“Would America be more better without no -saloons?” require Uncle Nichi who was there.</p> - -<p>“Perhapsly,” I snuggest. “Hon. Rev. Chillworthy -say, ‘If there was no Drunks there -wouldn’t be no Murders.’”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_312"></a>[312]</span></p> - -<p>“Occasional Murders makes life briter,” -reflact Cousin Nogi.</p> - -<p>“If there was no saloons there would be no -crime,” say Arthur Kickahajama.</p> - -<p>“There would also be no fun,” say Sydney -Katsu, jr.</p> - -<p>“There would be no poverty,” say Frank the -Japanned Boot-polish.</p> - -<p>“There would be no trusts,” say I. Anazuma.</p> - -<p>“There would be no enthusiasm,” say Sago -Jokai.</p> - -<p>“There would be no insane asylums,” say -Albert Sudekachi.</p> - -<p>“There would be no Poets,” say Hashimura -Togo.</p> - -<p>If the saloon must go, Mr. Editor, see that it are -put away in some convenient place. I ask it.</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp64" id="illus17" style="max-width: 37.5em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus17.jpg" alt=""> - <p class="caption">“‘O, sweethearted Mrs. Madam, I enjoy a brainache this -morning, thank you’”</p> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_313"></a>[313]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXXIV">XXXIV<br> -<span class="smaller">ELECTION DAY</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, November 1st.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To Editor New York Newspaper who have been -frequently nominated to be President by loving -Japanese subscribers; but he must refuse -such jobs, thank you, because too busy with -ink-pen—and he would rather write than -be President.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Hon. Mr. Sir</span>—Election Day are now within -short gasp of here & all Japanese Schoolboys -of my acquaintanceship are running back and -forthly. Symptoms of tense patriotism for them. -I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, have pasted in -window-pain of his shave store 2 portraits of fat -& famous Americans. On one portrait he have -wrote following description in Japanese:</p> - -<p class="center"><span class="allsmcap">HON. WM. JENNY BRYAN</span><br> -<i>He Will Deliver the Nation out of Peril</i></p> - -<p>On other fat portrait he have wrote:</p> - -<p class="center"><span class="allsmcap">HON. WM. H. TAFT</span><br> -<i>He Will Deliver the Goods out of Kindness</i></p> - -<p>I were a-standing by sidewalk making eye-glances -at them 2 sweet portraits & choosing which<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_314"></a>[314]</span> -to vote for (if Yellow Peril could do so, thank you) -when uply come Arthur Kickahajama with sad-dogged -expression of dizzy heart.</p> - -<p>“Hashimura Togo,” he unpack, “why you gaz -at them 2 Presidents with rapture of ears?”</p> - -<p>“Soon one will be elected,” I apply, “& then -troubles of this Kingdom will be all over.”</p> - -<p>“Over!!” dib Arthur Kickahajama for shreech. -“Over!!!” He make thrills of knuckles which -are sure symbol of allepeptick fits.</p> - -<p>Then he drag from interior pocket of coat some -rippings from newspaper-press which he read me -with hearse voice. From <i>Daily Hoot</i>, violently -conservative Republican paper, he read as -following:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>“‘If Bryan are elected ruin will be enjoyed everywheres. -Heaven are expected to fall any minute. Corn will refuse to -grow in Kansas & National Guard will be called out to make -it do so. In South niggers will be darker & more lynched. -Hens will neglect to surrender their eggs. America will be -considerably cursed. Election of Hon. Bryan should be cause -of great national funeral.’”</p> - -</div> - -<p>“So glad to hear this in time,” I riggle. “Therefore -I shall vote for Hon. Taft if I could.”</p> - -<p>Arthur for glum read following editorial from -<i>Daily Riot</i>, seriously Democratick hand-organ:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>“‘If Taft are elected America will quit. Common People -will be scrunched by drowntroddery. Truth will also receive -hourly chops by ax. Kings will appear everywheres riding in<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_315"></a>[315]</span> -automobiles. Daily excursions to Siberia will be enjoyed by -masses. Groans. Right of free speeches will be denied to -Henry Watterson & bloodshed must therefore ensue. Patriots -will grunt with deranged hair. Election of Hon. Taft should -be cause of great national mourning,’”</p> - -</div> - -<p>“So sad!” say Arthur, “America must therefore -go to complete doggly smitthrine on date of -Nov. 3.”</p> - -<p>“Are they no way to escape this?” I alarm with -face.</p> - -<p>“Only one,” commute Arthur. “Perhapsly -Bluejean V. Debs might be elected by mistake.”</p> - -<p class="tb">Mr. Editor, I go way from Arthur full of damp -thoughts about Election Day. I go to grassy yard -of Mrs. Lusy Macdonald, 286 pounds complete -gentleness, and there I work my job assisting -shrubbage to grow for $1.25 weekly payment. My -dog O-Fido company me there & are entirely useless, -as usual. While I are to work soothing her -lawn with rakes I are continually thinking for -selfish brain: “If I merely had 1 day lie-off from -work I might do something to save America.” So -I wish I could & O-Fido agree with snubbed tail.</p> - -<p>Soonly come Mrs. Lusy Macdonald in dainty -pink rapper which look like 3 queens. Angelick -expressions for her.</p> - -<p>“Togo,” she say-it, “have you got a ill to look -so languish?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_316"></a>[316]</span></p> - -<p>“O! sweethearted Mrs. Madam, I enjoy a brainache -this morning, thank you,” are complain from -me. “Could I not obtain a lie-off from Work, -thanks so much, please?”</p> - -<p>“Why so you require such a lie-off?” are burst -from her.</p> - -<p>“With sufficient leisure I might save America,” -I mention.</p> - -<p>“Such worthy thought!” she relish. “Therefore -you are permitted 1 day lie-off from rakish labours -on lawn.”</p> - -<p>I make back-away with humbel bows. O-Fido -do somewhat simlar. When we arrive to gate-post -Mrs. Lusy Macdonald exclaim for sweetness:</p> - -<p>“How you shall spent this day of idle enjoyment, -please?”</p> - -<p>“I shall spent it in worrying about the ruin of -America which should occur on Nov. 3,” are fuss -I make & do a vanish. O-Fido do same way.</p> - -<p>So I go to street corner & set on water-plog to -enjoy sorrow without interrupt. O-Fido devote -time smelling rats which is not there under -pavement.</p> - -<p>Near off by lamp-post I see several carpenter-mans -at work in middle of street a-building 1 tiny -house of delicious sheet-iron. It were a awful -temporary-looking struxure of 6 × 10 architexure.</p> - -<p>Pretty soonly long come one Hon. Police, by<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_317"></a>[317]</span> -name Paul Smutz, who get my affection by arrest -of Bunkio Saguchi for gin-drunk. I are a proud -acquaintanceship to this hero.</p> - -<p>“Such oddy house!” I say-it with points to place -what them carpenter-mans was a-building. -“What you call such a cabin in American -language?”</p> - -<p>“That house,” say Hon. Police, “are called a -Pole.”</p> - -<p>“It do not look like a Pole in appearance,” -I otter. “To Japanese Schoolboy it look more -like a penitentiary for white rabbits.”</p> - -<p>“So wicked thought!” say Hon. Police with -buttons. “That tiny house to which you now -look at are Palladium of American Liberty.”</p> - -<p>“What do Americans do in such a Palladium?” -are next question for me.</p> - -<p>“They votes for Presidents,” ollicute Hon. -Smutz with helmet.</p> - -<p>“So happy!” I say-it. “In them tiny doll-cabins -Presidents is manufactured by ballet-box -every 4 years! Were Pres. Roosevelt made in a -little tin cottage like that?”</p> - -<p>“Absolutely similar,” snuggest that coply man.</p> - -<p>“I are surprised he did not burst it!” are notation -for me.</p> - -<p>Silences by Hon. Police. Waggish signals by -O-Fido.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_318"></a>[318]</span></p> - -<p>“How could Hon. Taft be accommodated in -such a toy temple?” are intelligent query I make.</p> - -<p>“Fat candidates gets slim votes in some -districts,” complain he.</p> - -<p>“What makes Americans more freer than any -other kingdom?” I ask-it because Hon. Smutz -are not yet savage.</p> - -<p>“Americans is more freer because they are -permitted to vote,” compute them official.</p> - -<p>“So happy Americans!” I snagger. “How -free they should all feel going to Pole on Nov. 3 -eech with a ballet in his hand to vote it!”</p> - -<p>“They should, but do they?” revoke he with -club. “Many Americans make long journeys -on Election Day to escape that Palladium of -Liberty.”</p> - -<p>“Could they feel free without that sweet -privelage?” I require.</p> - -<p>“They feel most free when they forget it,” he -dub. “I prove this by following tabloid statistick:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>“1—Out of eech 3 Americans only 1 Registers.</p> - -<p>“2—Out of eech 3 who Registers only 1 Votes.</p> - -<p>“3—Out of eech 3 who Votes only 1 cares who is Elected.”</p> - -</div> - -<p>“How shocky!” I gasp. “By such sinful -statistick America must be going to doggly bow-wow!” -(Howels from O-Fido.)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_319"></a>[319]</span></p> - -<p>“Can not some patriots do something to make -more votes for Election Day?” are next queery I -ask.</p> - -<p>“Many of them do,” say he. “Many persons -votes 5 or 6 times eech election to make fatter -ballet-box.”</p> - -<p>“Such noble patriots should receive at least 1 -Carnegie meddle,” I lapse.</p> - -<p>“They should, but do they?” are repose he say. -“There will be much gladness of rejoicing shot -off in this Hon. City for Election Night,” he add -for information.</p> - -<p>“I read by newspaper this morning how Election -of either Candidates would be cause for great -national mourning,” I reckon.</p> - -<p>“You read the wrong paper,” say Hon. Smutz. -“When announcement of new President are made -entire lid will be removed from America & 4th of -July will shoot through. What patriots are not -already in saloons will be tied together in magnificent -blockade on streets mixed with brass bands, -tin-horning, full dinner-pails, Glad-It’s-Over -Marching Clubs, automobile axidents & other -demonstrations of peaceful banzai. Musick-waggons -will ocasionally sonter by with all office-seekers -trying to get on at once. Maddy yalls -from crowd when eech newspaper bulletin-board -announce that another doubtful State has gone<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_320"></a>[320]</span> -Republickan, as usual. Rockets. Occasional -fights to make everybody completely cheerful. -Fire-engines go by to some joyful blaze. Telegrams -arrive. Romp-girls dance along with tickle -feathers. Then O!! Portrait of Future President -are flashy to screen. Bells go off confused by -whissles & drumcore exploded by throats of -1,000,000 yalling Americans.”</p> - -<p>“And what next?” I enquire patiently.</p> - -<p>“Following this,” say Hon. Paul Smutz, heroic -Police, “following this are complete silence for -4 years.”</p> - -<p>And he depart off to catch an excessive automobile -what done a crime.</p> - -<p class="tb">Mr. Editor, it will require more than explosions -to awake Hon. Washington from sweet sleep -which will go on for next 4 years. When Associated -Press hears slight shock along Patomac it -will not be sounds of unrest—it will be merely -snores from happy Congressmen. By time this -loving letter are there in your post-office, White -House furniture are already preparing to be sat -on by another kind of Person. Perhapsly he will -be a bigger man, but I bet my bootware he will not -cover so many places at once. In Executive -Offices a new Voice will kind of quiver & flitter -through corridors which is used to being cracked<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_321"></a>[321]</span> -by a Real Racket. In Aunty Room outside will -set distinguished statesmans in awful neat rows -with eyebrows full of Thought and nothing else. -Gentleman inside may say, “Prevaricatorius ugly -lyre!” now & then, but sound of this curse will be -less hearty than of yore-time.</p> - -<p>And in that Crowd Outside following sweet -faces will be missing:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>1—Shaggy Pete, Louisiana guide.</p> - -<p>2—Harvard football captain.</p> - -<p>3—Mrs. O’Rafferty, mother of 6 twins.</p> - -<p>4—Rev. Lyman Abbott.</p> - -<p>5—Spike McGhoul, heavyweight swat.</p> - -<p>6—Charles Scribbler & Sons.</p> - -<p>7—Duke De Buzzi and staff.</p> - -<p>8—Nero, famous trick elephant from Hippodrome.</p> - -</div> - -<p>Them features, Mr. Editor, will be seriously -lacking. Cabinet will come together occasionally -for slight confap but it will seem quiet, like -directors’ meeting of Ice Trust. Treaties will be -made in sneeky gum-slipper manner. Panama -Canal will be finished & nobody will know it. -New President of America might declare war -between U. S. and Germany with less dramatick -effect than Hon. Roosevelt got by chasing 3 boys -off from White House steps.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_322"></a>[322]</span></p> - -<p>Next 4 years will be healthy climbate for old -persons & delicate children. People will live -longer but not so much. And what will happen -to us in 1912? Hon. Nick Longworth will explain -with American eye-wink!</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Thou, too, climb on the Ship of State,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Climb on, O happy Candidate!—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And favoured Nations shall proclaim</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The deeds of You who drag to fame</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Your good-for-nothing Running Mate!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Hoping you are entirely aware,</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<p>S. P.—Banzai! America fleet reach Tokyo -and international friendship are glued together by -sticky ceremonies. Most sweetest exercise of all -was when them 10,000 Japanese school-children -sing, “Hail Columbia, Jappy land!”</p> - -<p class="right">H. T.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_323"></a>[323]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXXV">XXXV<br> -<span class="smaller">FALL HATS AND THE LADIES INSIDE OF THEM</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, November 6th.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>Editor New York Newspaper who must wear -grandy Robe of Literature & Science emborderied -over with tucks & jounces which -represents Art; but he must also retain a -calm Derby Hat to make himself sensible in -order to do so.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>—If my Uncle Nichi would not go -roundy town seeing America he would not come -home & talk about it. I should like to remain his -affactunate Nefew, I should delight to reverence -his bald hairs because he are my Ancester—but -I will be lynched if I can remain faithful to all -them fooly Questions he ask-it! Eech moment -by clock-time he come to me with Queery & -when I are giving sweethearted reply he are preparing -another Enquire for answer. Only a -mean dib can plug his voice, thank you!</p> - -<p>“I observe something,” he say-me yesterday -because he think he did, “I observe it how female -women of America is entirely beasts of burden.”</p> - -<p>“That are something to observe,” I deploy.<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_324"></a>[324]</span> -“Where they carry them beastly burden, please, -if proper?”</p> - -<p>“I observe it,” he remain, “how they carries -them burdens in enormed & sometimes overbearing -quantities on top of their heads. Oftenly -ladies of minus 126 pounds of complete frailness -is seen totering from walk to walk with awful -monstry platforms on their skull while on top side -of this are piled fruits & vegetables, glassware, -window-curtains, fuel, iron & wood, office supplies, -general groceries, flours & other provisions. -What you call them platters full of merchandise?” -require Nichi.</p> - -<p>“Would you get amazed if told?” I ask it.</p> - -<p>“I shall attempt to,” he report.</p> - -<p>“Them platters,” I say slow for gentle break, -“is called Hats!”</p> - -<p>Uncle Nichi is staggered to believe it.</p> - -<p>“In Japan,” he tangle, “they would be called -roofs. Such a Hat are sifficiently sized to support -a entire family.”</p> - -<p>“In America,” I falter, “it oftenly require a -entire family to support such a Hat.”</p> - -<p>Uncle Nichi set down because he are a oldy -man and got a faint nerve.</p> - -<p>“I will told you more,” I revoke. “Those -Hon. Hats is pinned on to them Ladies what forget -how painful they feel & drag them from places<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_325"></a>[325]</span> -to places with smile of sweet resign. They are -even happy while wearing them because they -Imagines something.”</p> - -<p>“What could they Imagine after that?” are -enqueery for Nichi.</p> - -<p>“They Imagines they are beautiful!” are -report from me.</p> - -<p>“Hashimura Togo,” rasp them feebly Unc, -“up to now I have believed everything. Please -tell lies more gently. I are not prepared to -swallow too much.”</p> - -<p>“When foreigners talk about American Ladies -they must be prepare to swallow anything,” are -argue I make. “This are customary.”</p> - -<p>“Ladies must be oftenly scrushed to death -beneath them awful lids,” require Nichi with -Hearst editorial look.</p> - -<p>“Such are the untruth,” I let go. “Them -Hats is frequently more lighter than they looks -by appearance. Although they are huje enormalosities -amassed all over outside with riotous -debree, yet they are kept light by fact that there -ain’t nothing inside of them.”</p> - -<p>“What-so!” say Nichi. “Ain’t them Ladies -got their brains inside of them Hats?”</p> - -<p>“If Ladies had sifficient brains enough to fill -such Hats they would wear them much smaller,” -are jount from me.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_326"></a>[326]</span></p> - -<p>“Can we expect something worse soon?” -suppose Nichi.</p> - -<p>“Of surely we can!” say me. “In <i>Woman’s -Homely Companion</i>, stylish paper, I read 1 page -of fashionable hints wrote by a elderly clergyman -who sign himself ‘Frou-Frou’ because he need the -salary. He make following alarmy prediction:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>“‘Stiles for 1909 will be built on Delagrange models with -box-kite planes fore and aft to look awful tasty. All them -patterns for winter wear will be heavier-than-air types which -is very chick. Them Zepellin hats, so popular last season, -are now being frowned at by Dam Fashion who says they are -clumbsy & apt to catch afire. Them new hats will seem kind -of horble when first looked at, but when they got a fan-shaped -propeller going at full speed in the rear, you got to acknowledge -they look mischievous & expensive.</p> - -<p>“‘Many poor girls is making them at home after Buttermilk -Patterns furnished by request & 10c extra please. Some -light ashwood ribs, 90 yards mercyfied silk & a trifle of wire -(which can be took out of any piano) are sifficient for.</p> - -<p>“‘By sending $7,000 to Paris you can get one of them -ready-trimmed by the Wright Sisters.’”</p> - -</div> - -<p>“If it was not printed in that <i>Homely Companion</i> -paper I would enjoy a suspicion that Hon. -Frou-Frou was talking about airships,” contract -my poor Relation.</p> - -<p>“Hats & Airships is very dear cousins,” I -rotate. “But they has some delicious differences. -Some Airships can’t lift nothing—but Ladies -is often entirely carried away by Hats.”</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp64" id="illus18" style="max-width: 37.5em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus18.jpg" alt=""> - <p class="caption">“‘Do not hide your light under a bushel basket,’ are smart -quotation for me”</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_327"></a>[327]</span></p> - -<p>“Where would they be carried away to?” ask -Uncle Nichi, who are studying American jokes -by correspondence school.</p> - -<p>“To any extreme,” I choke off for fear I shall -hit Uncle Nichi with a angry Dib. So he go way -for read newspaper & learn some more intelligent -Questions to ask it.</p> - -<p class="tb">Mr. Editor, it are fashionable to appear smarty -& suspicious when conversing in print about -Ladies. Any colledge child not intelligent enough -to learn bookkeeping & stenography can publish -at least 1 book called “Sneery Thoughts of a -Snappy Cynick” & sell from 10 to 1,000,000 -copies. This to include several epigrams about -Mrs. Eve and other famous Parisians. (“What -are a ‘epigram’?” ask Little Annie Anazuma.</p> - -<p>“A epigram are a cheap Joke in a dress-suit,” -are reply for Japanese Schoolboy.)</p> - -<p>Even Hon. Rud. Kipling, who write many -novels and speak fluidly in both English & -American, make sinickal talk about female Ladies. -He-say “A Woman are merely a Woman, but a -good cigar cost 25c.”</p> - -<p>In Manila a good cigar only cost 8c, and yet -Ladies is found growing there in tropickal -bundance. So you see it are useless to try & compute -the worthlessness of them in terms of tobacco.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_328"></a>[328]</span></p> - -<p>Mr. Editor, I know only 3 Ladies to my acquaintanceship; -but there is a 4th one now which I am -learning pretty quick. Among this crowd are -Hon. Mrs. Lusy Macdonald, 286 pounds of entire -beauty, to her I enjoy a tender business relation. -She reward me $1.25 weekly for barber her lawn -& comb it with rakes. Oftenly I speak to this -lady with pathetick expression, because she may -rise my salary if I look sifficiently unhappy. -Sometime she bring me tea by side-porch to -include ginger-snaps & I tell her delicious lies -about myself so she will think what a fine Jobber -I am.</p> - -<p>This Lady are very expensive in clothes which -appear hellish & also include dimonds. She -obtain her gownds in Paris where they hates -Americans and shows it by the stiles they sell them. -It are a mean revenge. But Mrs. Macdonald can -afford to dress in stile, because she are rich enough -to be exentrick. I do not yet notice that she wear -Directory skirt at knee. I shall telegraf you if -she gets one.</p> - -<p>Next in my acquaintanceship of feminines -are Little Annie Anazuma, 9-year-age daughter -of I. Anazuma, Japanese barber. This childy -Japanese are too young to be a lady, but she are -already quite foolish.</p> - -<p>& 3rd on this List of Ladies are Miss Alice<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_329"></a>[329]</span> -Furioki, wife to my Cousin Nogi. I was once her -finance, but when she marry Nogi I broke my -engagement to her for spiteful reasons.</p> - -<p>But 4th of them are a Girly Person to which -I must own up. She are by initials Miss Evelyn -Suki & have become a dear schoolfriend to Miss -Furioki and very oftenly they meet together to -do some chumming & other giggles. And very -oftenly I make drop-in to home of Cousin Nogi -for borrow opera glass or cigarette or what he got. -And oftenly Miss Suki make door-knock for see -Miss Furioki & Japanese Boy are axidentally -there. I make eye-wink of soul to think how -fox I are.</p> - -<p>By last Wednesday <span class="allsmcap">P. M.</span> I get nervus about -Cousin Nogi & go see him offhandedly. Miss -Furioki come to door and I make very humbel -signals to her with derby hat.</p> - -<p>“I am delicious to ask it, please, Mrs. Madam, -thank you so much, so sorry I come. Are Cousin -Nogi inside, thank you?”</p> - -<p>“No, he are entirely out!” dib Miss Furioki, -who despises me earnestly.</p> - -<p>“Then I shall remain, thank you,” I say for -cheerful smiles & take set-down to parler where -I see Miss Suki doing a fancy task in companionship -with Miss Furioki. On centre-table was -a large objeck to resemble a clothes-basket &<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_330"></a>[330]</span> -them Ladies was fondly trimbing it with smilax, -ribbons and other laces. Occasionally they stand -off-side, mouths confused by pins; sometimes they -make critick faces and speek in milinary language.</p> - -<p>“What you call That what you are doing?” I -wander.</p> - -<p>“Intelligent persons calls it a Hat,” snip Miss -Furioki.</p> - -<p>“By Bible you could not wore such a Hat,” -are mope from me.</p> - -<p>“What-say Bible about it?” require Miss -Suki who are studying to be a missionary.</p> - -<p>“Hon. Bible say, ‘Do not hide your light under -a bushel basket,’” are all sound I make.</p> - -<p>Deep breathing from Miss Furioki. Miss -Suki look slyly joyful. Pretty soonly them Hat are -sifficiently complete for have try-on to head of -Miss Furioki, who make poze before mirror with -cowcattish expression.</p> - -<p>“You hide cozily inside,” I arrange.</p> - -<p>“It are a very theatrical hat,” lapse Miss -Suki fairly.</p> - -<p>“It look like a famous Play to me,” I commune -for pious regard.</p> - -<p>“What famous Play you meant?” queery Miss -Alice. “You meant the ‘Jolly Widow?’”</p> - -<p>“Maybe ‘Payed in Full’ are Play them Hat -look like,” beseech Miss Suki.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_331"></a>[331]</span></p> - -<p>“Ah, no!” I revolve, “another from them!”</p> - -<p>“Then which play it look like, if so smart?” -rasp wife of Nogi.</p> - -<p>“It look like ‘The Devil’ to me,” I assassinate, -and go out by door. Sound of crashy furniture -inside, and other simptoms of an American Girl. -Also some delicious snickkers from Miss Suki. -Thank her so many!</p> - -<p class="tb">Foreigners visiting America for first time is -expected to say something about American women -before getting off the boat. A very sublime Prince -from Island of Borneo of recently come over & -say following statistick about American Women:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>1—They are naturally very foolish, but are -less so when educated.</p> - -<p>2—It are easy to distinguish their Sext by their -clothes—</p> - -<p>3—Except in the case of Literary Ladies who -wears derbies.</p> - -<p>4—They are awful extravagant.</p> - -<p>5—They are terrible stingy.</p> - -<p>6—Many of them has more snippy espree than -Frenchwoman.</p> - -<p>7—Many has less.</p> - -<p>8—They have got such quantity of Charm, etc., -that it are difficult for a Foreigner to look at -them without enjoying Lovesick simptoms.</p> - -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_332"></a>[332]</span></p> - -<p>American Ladies hear them compliments, Mr. -Editor, with pompadours swole up with pride; -but they are forgetful that what that Hon. Sublime -said about them are true of every national -Lady in the entire world—with the exception -of the Ladies of Zeeweezi Land where it are the -custom for them to cut off their noses to spite their -husbands.</p> - -<p>Hoping you can afford it, I am,</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_333"></a>[333]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXXVI">XXXVI<br> -<span class="smaller">FEETBALL FOR MOLLYCUDDLES</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, November 10th.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To Editor New York Newspaper which must give -large Colledge Yall to see such great Yale-Harvard -feetball combination when Hon. -Roosevelt pushed Hon. Taft across line.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Hon. Mr.</span>—I have discovered more yet. -America are no sooner through making one Loud -Noise than she are prepared to make another. -Her screems for Spring occupy Baseballing; next -come Presidential Election where every person -are ready to banzai & make provoked hollers; -soonly following this arrive Feetball when talented -Colledge Ladds is glued together for chorus of -howels & rores which you would not believe -except when it happens. Then America gives -Thanksgiving because they are glad it are all -over; but so vainly to think! With immediate -quickness arrive Happy New Years when the roof -of Hon. Heaven are entirely shrieked away with -steam whissles. After this who knows what?</p> - -<p>“You have forgot to put in Fourth of July,” say -Uncle Nichi.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_334"></a>[334]</span></p> - -<p>“That Hon. Explosion must be mentioned all -by itself,” are contort for me.</p> - -<p>Mr. Editor, all newspaper-prints is now filled -with scandal about feet-ballers & what happen to -them. I understand how Carlyle Indians would -be champions of America except for fact that Chief -Kick-in-the-Head have received something like -his name; also ½ back, Hon. Hoopi, have fraxured -both legs; ¼ back, Crazy Buffalo, are now in -hospital enjoying 2 or 3 ribs, & Young-Man-Who-Butts-Like-a-Goat, -famous tackler, have -come apart & must be sewed together. White -mans has been entirely unjust to Indians. Not -satisfied with teaching them whisky-drunk -they now educates them in feetball. The -Nobel Red Man are thusly fast becoming a -bursted race.</p> - -<p>In another news-print I read-it how there are -a general move in America to make feetball -more kindly. How foolish to think! Feetball -without an occasional murder would be like a -bullfite without no Hon. Bull. It would be -gentle, but who would come? I require no -answer.</p> - -<p>Howeverly all grandest California Colledges -is now playing Rugboy feetball which is English -& therefore entirely polite. And yet necks can -be bursted by this way if required.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_335"></a>[335]</span></p> - -<p>Last Saturday in early <span class="allsmcap">P. M.</span> I make a very -stylish appearance to my clothes which include -frockaway coat, derby hat, respectful -gloves & whatever shoes & socks are necessary -for most beautiful way to look. With -such ornaments I could not wear my familiar -necktie which are getting too shabbed; so I -borrow one of angry red complexion from -Arthur Kickahajama who was not there when -I took it. Thank you, Arthur, for kindness -loan!</p> - -<p>With them fashionable haberdash I make my -joyful footprints go in direction of sidewalk -where all Japanese what see me revoke, “Where -would Hashimura Togo go so completely decorated?” -But for answer I make American eye-wink -& nothing else.</p> - -<p>Pretty soonly I arrive by door-mat of Yoshima -Suki, Japanese carpenter, & there I do rap-tap -with nervus knuckles. After deliciously long -time Miss Evelyn Suki, dreamy lady of entire -youngness, come to knob & look surprised because -she expect it was me.</p> - -<p>“Kind morning, Mr. Togo,” she say-it with -deceptive expression of a female, “which of my -Parents did you come to see?”</p> - -<p>“How many of them Parents have you got, -please?” I remove with polite derby.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_336"></a>[336]</span></p> - -<p>“I got two to include 1 Mother & 1 Father, both -enjoying nice health,” she response.</p> - -<p>“You are fortunate to have so many,” I -corrode, “therefore permit them to enjoy their -nice health without disturb from us.”</p> - -<p>She do so, thank you.</p> - -<p>We set in parlour & have a few conversations -& occasional topicks. I get more charms eech -moment by her sweet looks & cowcattish smile. -I could throb forever in such lonesome company. -Pretty soonly I say-so.</p> - -<p>“Hon. Miss Suki, excuse me, sir, I ask it” -(such nerves from me!). “Please may we go -forthly together this afternoon for some sporty -amusement?”</p> - -<p>“Where we go to find such a sporty amusement?” -she dement, tucking away her hair with -morsel wave.</p> - -<p>“In Japanese Y. M. C. A.,” I snagger, “Hon. -Rev. Chillworthy will speek an entirely harmless -lecture about ‘Onward & Upward for Little -Missionaries,’ We could go there for minus -expense because it are free.”</p> - -<p>Stillness from Miss Suki.</p> - -<p>“You no care for such an excitements?” I -ask it.</p> - -<p>“Slightly, perhaps,” are response from her, -“Where else could we go for it?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_337"></a>[337]</span></p> - -<p>(I make sneekret count inside my pocket which -contain 45c wealth.)</p> - -<p>“Trolley-ride to Cliff House & peanuts by -beach would be somewhat fashionable amusement -if it wasn’t raining,” I snuggest.</p> - -<p>“It might, but would it?” are next question -for her.</p> - -<p>I begin to enjoy go-home feeling for such discouredged -talk.</p> - -<p>“To tell you truthly, Mr. Togo,” she apply, -“I got 2 tickets for one Feetball Game which will -be kicked off this afternoon. You like to be -chaperone to me for this ceremony?”</p> - -<p>“I am reckless to try,” I cheer up. (For only -a very fooly person would omit to be chaperone to -a Angel what got 2 tickets, price $4.)</p> - -<p>So we go there & seen what was.<a id="FNanchor_1" href="#Footnote_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a></p> - -<div class="footnotes"> -<div class="footnote"> -<p><a id="Footnote_1" href="#FNanchor_1" class="label">[1]</a> Mr. Togo is describing Intercollegiate Football; still played by minor -colleges in California. Rugby is being played by the principal colleges -there.</p> -</div> -</div> - -<p class="tb">Mr. Editor, with what crippled penmanship -I got how should I attemp to describe such scene -of banzai, hari-kiri, stroggle & push what we -seen for them 2 tickets? How can poor Japanese -Schoolboy tell of such delicious race-riot all over -mud which them heroes plowed with their faces?</p> - -<p>Therefore I shall do so.</p> - -<p>Me & Miss Evelyn Suki we set on bleached<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_338"></a>[338]</span> -seats between 6 maiden co-eds and 2 colledge -boys of average age 63 years. Heart-bursting -screems was enjoyed by them for entire afternoon. -When most fiercest play of feetball happened -them oldy colledge boys would strike me in ankle -with their cane which was a insult. Rainy -weather & slight westerly showers.</p> - -<p>Game of Feetball, Mr. Editor, are played by -22 enormous boys which are divided equally into -½ to look even. One ½ wear stripes & other ½ -wears New Jersey sweaters of entirely blue colour. -None of them Players is allowed to be killed before -the game begins.</p> - -<p>Delicious mud all over grounds which are good -to slide on & show how graceful it can be done.</p> - -<p>Considerable rah-rah cries indulged in by all -specktaters to include Miss Suki & 10,000 others. -Talented howels from all colledge boys who set -in bleached seats around feetball grounds which -is called a Griddle because it look like something -else. Of suddenly OH-H-H-H!!!</p> - -<p>To middle of griddle with brave runsteps come -11 striped athletes followed by 11 blue youths. -More rores. In centre of Griddle Hon. Feetball -(which resemble a leather melon) are placed down. -Whissle from Foreman & suddenly one blue -youth rosh forwards & give them Hon. Ball -one very brutal kick which send it to Heaven<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_339"></a>[339]</span> -where it intend to go. Splandid rushing together -by all youths which do knock-downs with rage. -Hon. Ball, when he make come-down, are lovingly -embraced by a striped youth, but one blue youth -see him & get jalous, so he throw him to mud -with deathly thump. Eech member of both -teams are now permitted to jump on this young -man when he are laying pronely. Then Hon. -Foreman holler “Down!” & all are sure of it.</p> - -<p>Next Player to arrive are Hon. Doctor who do -a hospital corps and remove 3 players with limps. -Banzais from all. Game then go on for all afternoon -by following rotation:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>1—Savage ball-kick.</p> - -<p>2—Wildly rush together.</p> - -<p>3—Delicious throw-down.</p> - -<p>4—Everybody jump-on.</p> - -<p>5—All get off, if possible.</p> - -<p>6—Doctors collect broken boys.</p> - -<p>7—More ball-kick, more banzai, etc., till twilight.</p> - -</div> - -<p>Pretty soonly when 1 colledge player of striped -appearance make grab-up of ball, blue colledge -boys forget to knock him down; so with them pigly -sphere clasp dearly in arms he make hurrysteps -across field; and them blue players get very angry, -so they chase him with fierce hair. How useless!<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_340"></a>[340]</span> -Soonly he carry that ball behind goal-sticks & -Blue Colledge cry, “Shah!” while Striped Colledge -cry, “Rah!”</p> - -<p>“Oh!! that count 5 for our side,” say elderly -youth next by me.</p> - -<p>“Why it count 5 when only 2 players was -killed?” was question I ask-it; but that antique -child was too busy with banzais for answer.</p> - -<p>So I took away Miss Suki for ice-cream soda -ceremony, price 20c., where we could be more -lonesome together.</p> - -<p>“It must require great strength to kill so many -people in an afternoon,” she say-it with sweet -sips.</p> - -<p>“With a ax I could do much better,” are reply -I make.</p> - -<p class="tb">This week my chumb, Sydney Katsu, Jr., who -went to Harvard for study mollycuddling, come -back here enjoying great damages. I could see -by the expression of his legs how much they was -broke; also bandaged elbows indicate smashy condition -& his brain was held together with a towel. -Most of his teeth he was carrying in his pocket.</p> - -<p>“O Sydney!” I report, “who done you all them -delicious injuries you got?”</p> - -<p>“Them Mollycuddles done it, thank you!” he -dib, pointing to draped eye which was minus.</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" id="illus19" style="max-width: 43.75em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus19.jpg" alt=""> - <p class="caption">“‘All of them persons is related to each other in some way -and another—some by proxy, some by regret’”</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_341"></a>[341]</span></p> - -<p>“What must a person do to become a Mollycuddle?” -are next review I make.</p> - -<p>“He must first go to Harvard & play on -scrubbed Freshman team,” explan Sydney. -“Some mollycuddlish person will say ‘6—11—44’ -and toss him a entire feetball. Soonly all Harvard -are on top of him to include the Library Building -& Germanic Museum. Groans from this youth -who are trying to play that game. Finally brickage -are removed from him and he are permitted -to be carried away. If he lives he are a Mollycuddle.”</p> - -<p>“Shall you return to study gentle ways of efeet -East?” I announce.</p> - -<p>“Ah, no,” corrugate Sydney. “Wildy West -are more peaceful place to be. I shall follow -advice of Hon. Roosevelt which say, ‘Don’t be a -Mollycuddle.’”</p> - -<p>So I leave Sydney resting in arnica.</p> - -<p>Hoping you are the same,</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_342"></a>[342]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXXVII">XXXVII<br> -<span class="smaller">WILL HON. SO. DAKOTA BE A BLISSFUL -MARRIED STATE?</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, November 16th.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>Editor New York Newspaper who suppose he -knows what will happen to America next.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dear Mr. Sir</span>—“South Dakota are now very -strickted & respecktable,” say Cousin Nogi -with expression of deep glum. “Only choice, -selected persons is permitted to get divorces there.”</p> - -<p>“What must these choice, selected persons do -now to obtain such a privilege?” are queery -for me.</p> - -<p>“A gentleman wishing to be entirely divorced -in Sue Falls must reside there one year & must -be drunk at leastly ¾ of time. He must beat his -wife occasionally to prove it.”</p> - -<p>“If he pass such examination will he then -obtain ticket of leave?” are next I ask to know.</p> - -<p>“Scarcely already,” are corrode from Nogi. -“Firstly he must possess a certificate signed by -2 Aldermans or 6 State Senators showing that he -enjoys a famous record for bad moral character, -that he have allepeptick fits & served at leastly<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_343"></a>[343]</span> -1 year in some good penitentiary. If he got such -papers he are permitted to be lonesome again.”</p> - -<p>“Few persons has sufficient talent to pass such -a high test,” I submit.</p> - -<p>“Howeverly, many persons will try,” say Nogi -for knowledge.</p> - -<p>“With that strick law So. Dakota will soonly -become one of them blissful married States,” I -dally forth.</p> - -<p>“So sad to think it will,” say Nogi with W. J. -Bryan elbows. “Thusly are greatest landmarks -of America departing off. Niagara Falls & Sue -Falls, grand gushing monuments of Fourfathers’ -pride, both is being swep away by toothless hand -of commerce. No longer can pressed & weary -persons turn feetprints to South Dakota like -Pilgrum Fathers——”</p> - -<p>“Why were a person what went to South Dakota -like a Pilgrum Father?” I erupt with voice.</p> - -<p>“Because they both journeyed Westward to find -freedom, didn’t they not?” are request from -Nogi.</p> - -<p>I get shocky sensation by such news.</p> - -<p>“So sinful comparison!” I reproach. “History-book -say, ‘Them Puretan Parents made -excursion to Plymouth Rock with entire singleness -of purpose.’”</p> - -<p>“Singleness of purpose also makes excursions<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_344"></a>[344]</span> -to Sue Falls,” dib my corrugated cousin. “Hon. -Dan Webster notice it in oldy days.”</p> - -<p>“I have never found such talk in Webster’s -Dixionary,” I imagine. “What did Hon. Dan -say about it?”</p> - -<p>“He-say, ‘United we stand, divided Sue Falls,’” -are smart quotation for Nogi.</p> - -<p>“How you obtain such divorce in sweet old -days?” I exclaim for excitement.</p> - -<p>“Maybe you can imagine it,” say Nogi. -“Imagine, please, that Miss Alice Furioki, who -is my wife, got peeved to me because of my -slouched ways & feeble mind.”</p> - -<p>I do so easily.</p> - -<p>“Imagine, please, I say to her, ‘Fare-bye -forever!’ & am next discovered on Pullman car.”</p> - -<p>“Where you obtain sufficient cash for such a -ticket?” are suspicious question for Hashimura -Togo.</p> - -<p>“You are permitted to imagine that also,” -dib Nogi for snub. “I are next discovered on -main street of Sue Falls. It are 6 o’clock <span class="allsmcap">P. M.</span> by -time. With immediate quickness I make feetsteps -to Court House. It are closed, thank you. -‘Where can persons buy a divorce so late & catch -train?’ I require of Hon. Janitor at door-knob. -‘Hon. Justice of the Peace has nice fresh ones,’ -explain Hon. Janitor for polite smile. By running<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_345"></a>[345]</span> -I get there quick—but alast! too late. ‘My -husband are away attending funeral of man he -shot,’ say Mrs. Justice. ‘Howeverly, you can -buy choice divorces from Hon. Notary Publick -around corner.’ At home of Notary Publick -I meet Office Lad who say, ‘Hon. Boss are away -setting up with a ill horse.’ So I depart off -entirely nervus about that Divorce I didn’t got.”</p> - -<p>“What you do nextly to stop being married?” -I compute.</p> - -<p>“Nextly,” say Nogi, “I make aimlus wander -through deserted streets. Despair for me. Of -suddenly I see one news stand with large gilty -sign,</p> - -<p class="center">“‘DIVORCES WHILE WAITING FOR THEM—$5 APIECE.’</p> - -<p>“This are stiff price, but I must. Already by -news stand are considerable line of 100 Americans -talking at each other as if acquainted very -dearly. I enquire of one Hon. Police who stood -by, ‘Why does them Americans talk together so -corjul?’</p> - -<p>“‘It are a family reunion,’ collapse Hon. Police. -‘All of them persons is related to each other -in some way & another—some by proxy, some -by regret; husbands twice removed is talking to -outlaws-in-law. Them tall gentleman with ottomobile -glasses is Senator Guff. Lady he are -talking with are his forgotten wife, now Mrs.<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_346"></a>[346]</span> -Billings, who will marry Captain Swift, her chaperone, -when both are freed from hated trammels -they now endures.’</p> - -<p>“‘On what grounds of domestick grief will they -obtain their divorces on?’ are next for me.</p> - -<p>“‘For $5,’ say Hon. Police who has been in Sue -Falls for long time, ‘for $5 you can take your choice -of following grounds:</p> - -<p>“‘Failure to provide witty conversation.</p> - -<p>“‘Baldness.</p> - -<p>“‘Coming home chronic late from Lodge, -such as Elks, Y. M. C. A., etc.</p> - -<p>“‘Not coming home from them places.</p> - -<p>“‘Habit of cracking nuckles.</p> - -<p>“‘Being impolite to ladies.</p> - -<p>“‘Being too polite to ladies.</p> - -<p>“‘Expressing grief by snores while asleep.</p> - -<p>“‘Reading Sunday <i>Journal</i> & believing it.</p> - -<p>“‘Warts.</p> - -<p>“‘Any slight excuse you may think up while -waiting.’</p> - -<p>“‘Thank you so plenty!’ I say to Hon. Police -and go home by return ticket.”</p> - -<p>“You go home without them Divorce?” I -say for disappointed quivers.</p> - -<p>“Ah, yes,” nibble Nogi. “It are useless -luxury for poor Japanese to afford it. I could -buy one slight divorce, but what then?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_347"></a>[347]</span></p> - -<p>“That habit are like drunking,” I approximate.</p> - -<p>“Of surely it are!” influence my Cousin. -“First drink are innocent pleasure, but it lead -to more of and continued. First divorce are -harmless amusement, next two or three are only -slight damage to young man—but after that it are -apt to become a fixed habit, and who knows what?”</p> - -<p>So Nogi borrow my collar-button & go off -for righteous Sunday walk with his wife, Miss Alice -Furioki.</p> - -<p class="tb">Mr. Editor, I am reminded of a mothological -legend. In awful pre-historick date of Japan -famous poeter, Obi Obi, were a-wandering -through crying-willow grove endeavouring to try -& think up a good poem to write for a magazine. -While full of ponders of suddenly he seen a Willy -Sparrow dancing mongst twiggly branches like -he was suffering from huj jokes. Often & at -times them maudly bird laugh “Ha-ha!” and do -a kick & six comick capers. So Obi Obi, famous -poeter, he tune his Japanese Jews harp and -enquire with rimes:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“Dilly-darrow, Willy Sparrow,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Why you do such dance & caper</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Like a crazy piece of paper,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Chirping, cheeping, shrieking, peeping</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With a piggly motion giggly</div> - <div class="verse indent0">On that wriggly willow twiggly?”</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter illowp69" id="illus20" style="max-width: 40.625em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus20.jpg" alt=""> - <p class="caption">“Obi Obi and the Willy Sparrow”</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_348"></a>[348]</span></p> - -<p>And that dafty Willy Sparrow, who also had -a talent, make laughing tear-drop & reply:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“Tabby-toby, Obi Obi,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Thus I flutter, flatter, caper</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Since my Wife I did escape her</div> - <div class="verse indent0">From her scratching feather-snatching—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Hence my piggly anticks wiggly</div> - <div class="verse indent0">On this wriggly willow twiggly.”</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Obi Obi, who are notorious to this day for his -book full of morals, were shocked talkless by rye-bald -remarks of them horid Willy Bird, so he flop -hands to heaven & decry:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“Wirro-warro, Willy Sparrow,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Baddy birdie what has flirted,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Eggs neglected, Wife deserted</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With your cheeping, shrieking, peeping—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Birds of feather winds should weather,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Live together whither-whether.”</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>So this wise Obi Obi he make one delicious -figger-4 trap & he fill it up with olives and other -lunch. Pretty soonly that fooly Willy Sparrow -make hop-down to food—and <i>snap!</i> Catch for -him. Then very briefly after this Mrs. Willy -Sparrow, who was hungry & peeved about non-support, -<i>she</i> make hop-down to trap—and -<i>snap!</i> Catch for her.</p> - -<p>So wise Obi Obi he gather them two birds & -he put them in goldy cage together with 2 childish -eggs of which they was parents.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_349"></a>[349]</span></p> - -<p>“Ha-ho!” he say musely (for he were a poet). -“It are pleasant to think how I has united them -quarrly fowels into love-companionship.”</p> - -<p>So he hang that goldy cage in front of his -Poetry-Shop & invite the entire World to come -& see them Willy Birds enjoying happiness. -And all the entire World come that very afternoon -to observe this Peace Conference.</p> - -<p>But alast! When Hon. World looked it seen -Mrs. Willy Bird chewing off ear of her husband -with talented claws. Rawcuss screams. Feathers. -Applause from World which always enjoy fites. -Pretty soonly that Happy Cupple retire to opp. -corners of cage, do some glares & make following -song with voice of tough eagles:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“Yarrow-yarrow! nasty Sparrow!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Ruffled feathers, noises frightful!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Always doing something spiteful.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Chirping, cheeping, shrieking, peeping,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Cacklin’, kickin’, peckin’, pickin’</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Like a silly stricken chicken!”</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>And when the entire World seen them antick -they stopped their ears & say:</p> - -<p>“Perhapsly Hon. Obi Obi <i>do</i> call this Doomestick -Harmony; but it sound to us like the musick -of hand-saws playing on rusty hinges.”</p> - -<p>So they retire away. And next morning when -Obi Obi go-see Hon. Cage, what he find there?<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_350"></a>[350]</span> -6 feathers & 2 claws which was still disputing -with eech other. All the rest of them Sparrow -Family had disagreed till they were entirely minus. -Except them infant eggs which was broke.</p> - -<p>So Obi Obi write following epitaph & sell it to -a second-hand book-store:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“Hilly-harrows, silly Sparrows!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When a Poet tried to fix it</div> - <div class="verse indent0">You continued for to mix it</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Chirping, cheeping, shrieking, peeping—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Little birds enjoying jawing</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Perish thus enjoying clawing.”</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>If Obi Obi, the wisest Japanese for 1,007 years, -could not make 2 little Willy Sparrows happy -by locking them together, how can Governments -& Laws be more successful with people who are -bigger & more foolish? Peace Makers is often -proud because they brings Man & Wife together -after quarrels. So sad to think! When Man -& Wife have combattable tempers it do not take -great talent to get them together; but as soon as -they resume talking it often require entire State -Militia to drag them apart.</p> - -<p>Will law what bolish Divorces wipe out household -unhappiness? I shall vote for it, if so-do. -Maybe it will make drunken gentlemen sober -& lazy gentlemen reliabilious employees for -more salary. Perhapsly fooly ladies will begin<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_351"></a>[351]</span> -study of intelligence, flirtating will cease & all -dull children will go ahead of class. Mischief will -be neglected by old & young.</p> - -<p>Maybe, if Divorces is forbid, girls what marries -for money will find sentiment & girls what marry -for sentiment will find money. Maybe tired -husbands will aid sick wives in dish-wash; maybe -plumbers will stay home nights; maybe soft -answers will turn away flatirons. Maybe everybody -will own a ottomobile.</p> - -<p>& maybe they won’t.</p> - -<p>If Jo-Uncle Cannon would pass some nice -law what would keep persons from <i>wanting</i> to -get divorced this would be very good-healthy -for all races, including Chinese, who are human -in many respects. In England where Divorce are -most difficult to obtain wife-beating are most -deliciously common.</p> - -<p>I ask something. Can U. S. Government put -happy glow & family affection into a house where -it ain’t? When Hon. Love flies out of window -can he be pinched by Police before escape?</p> - -<p>I require no answer.</p> - -<p>With immediate hopes,</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_352"></a>[352]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXXVIII">XXXVIII<br> -<span class="smaller">THE HON. MARY CHRISTMAS</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, Dec. 12th.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>Your Highness Mr Editor which know everything, -or know where to look for it.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dear Gentleman</span>—I give you the Hon. -Mary Christmas and hope you will finish it. -Tell me to know, Mr. Sir, what is so important -about this festival that Americans make such -holly-day blow-up of it? “Christmas arrive but -once annually,” many persons explain, making -handshake. Is this peculiar to Christmas? Do -not all other dates arrive annually also? Then -why such happen on Dec. 25 as do? I ask to -enquire.</p> - -<p>I answer it, thank you. The Hon. Christmas -is a great give-away festival for all persons of white -extraction. Negroes is permitted in this Christmas -custom, because negroes is always present when -something is being given away. But Japanese -can not be Christmas persons, thank you. Why -so is it? Because Japanese is all heathens, which -is not eligible to Christmas present. If Japanese -would obtain valuable presents on this date they<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_353"></a>[353]</span> -must become Christians. This is too much trouble -to do. Is it not more better for Japanese Boy to -become Christian for Christmas-time and heathen -for all other purposes? Thank you, I will try.</p> - -<p>All Japanese living as naybors to me enjoy -belief in Buddha with exception to Arthur Kickahajama -who is Methodist and W. Furo who believe -in Hon. Roosevelt. Hon. Rev. J. W. Chillworthy, -American missionary, desire to do something to -us heathen, so he look everywhere and find what -is necessary. He prepare large Xmas tree at -Asiatic M. E. Church and go around to all Japanese -Boys with tempting speeches. To me he -approach to say,</p> - -<p>“Hon. Togo, do you wish to expect valuable -Christmas present to equal price of 25c?”</p> - -<p>“Would this be cash-gifts or merchandise?” -I report.</p> - -<p>“Merchandise of considerable merit, because -Christmas presents must be this,” command that -Chillworthy clergyman.</p> - -<p>“I would accept such dry-goods,’ I commit.</p> - -<p>“Very well. Then give me 25c money to collect, -please.”</p> - -<p>“No thank you, Mr. Clergyman, not to do! -If Japanese Boy give 25c to collect, what graft -would this Christmas present be of value 25c?” -This question from me.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_354"></a>[354]</span></p> - -<p>“Togo, you are heathen, therefore blind. At -Christmas you will receive get-back of 25c to pay -for put-up of 25c which you now do. You will be -generous to give this price, I will be generous to -give it back. This will be Christmas Spirit and -keep money in circulation.”</p> - -<p>So I deliver this quarter of dollar to Hon. -Chillworthy as price. As reward he invite me to -Christmas tree for persons of yellow extraction at -church where I will please to be, thank you. -All Japanese of S. F. has become Christians for -this date because free ice-cream will be served.</p> - -<p>Last Christmas date Japanese Schoolboy was -very recently arrived to America. Therefore I did -not know about Christmas. My cousin Nogi reply -that this was annual good-will Peace Conference -ceremony. Persons having bricks, bottles, shoot-guns, -stick-knives and all other political convictions -must conceal these under mattrass, thank -you. Enemies must meet under kissletoe-vine for -sweet-heart conversation. Therefore I remove -all firearms, bricks, etc., from my clothing and go -out to sidewalk where I watch how Christians enjoy -this great festival.</p> - -<p>I notice there large flocks of Christians bringing -earth-peace feeling together by drinking considerable -whisky. City is filled of sailors, plumbers, -hack-drivers and other patriots making side-step<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_355"></a>[355]</span> -to each saloon where more earth-peace is poured -in. Finally good-will become very energetic and -front of saloon is carried away by excitement. -Peace-on-earth continue to make more noisy riot -by each minute until pretty soonly police-gentleman -whistle for jailcart and all these Christians, -broken in several places but making splendid noise -with songs, is carried away to city lock-in.</p> - -<p>Of course these is very wild Christians what -make such behaviour. It is more comfortable -to be tamer Christian and take Hon. Christmas -home to wife & baby. Such persons get small -timber-tree from mountain and plant it in parlour -of home. (Some Christians have not got parlours, -so they need not feel responsible for Xmas trees.) -Branches of this tree is used to hang things on—glass, -tin-ware, clothing, groceries, candles or anything -else that is very cheap & convenient. Then -alarm-clock is set to get-up family by lamp-light. -When joy-bell go off all retire to parlour to watch -Family Father set fire to Xmas tree by light of -candle.</p> - -<p>All Christians enjoy Christmas with exception -of fire engine man who is too busy throwing water -on the insurance.</p> - -<p>It is very hard duty to explain to Japanese -Infants about Santy Claus, that famous American -saint which so closely resemble Marquis Ito in the<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_356"></a>[356]</span> -foliage of his whiskers. These children enjoy -great mental struggles because of their heathen -parentage. Little Annie Anazuma, 9-year-age -daughter of I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, come -to me to enquire like this:</p> - -<p>“Uncle Togo,” she resume, “to what extent -is this falsehood about that Hon. Santy Claus?”</p> - -<p>“Little Annie,” I snuggest, “I speak you honest -truth, because you are one childish Japanese. I -do not believe this Santy Claus is such person. -Why? Because I suspect. Presents here, toys -there, books, albums, jumping-up-jacks, photo -supplies, sweet confectionary—all these scattered -with such immediate delivery all at once and -together—I suspect it can not be swallowed. -Where would this Santy Claus person obtain so -much moneys for give presents to all Christian -children, including small negroes? Do Congress -appropriate this price? Do Hon. Carnegie donate -it? Is Hon. Santy Claus working for U. S. Government -or some private corporation? I reply. If -he was working for U. S. Government he would -not get around so swift. If he was working for -some Trust he would not give nothing to nobody. -Therefore he is not.</p> - -<p>“Japanese child, you are not insane to think. -Forget this tell-tale of American mothology. It -is too foolish to imagine this Mr. Claus dropping<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_357"></a>[357]</span> -chocolate-creams down each chimney-pipe by -such wholesale.”</p> - -<p>“No, Uncle Togo,” report this little Annie. -“It is well known fact that Christians never give -away presents in that sneak-dog manner.”</p> - -<p>I shall buy chew-gum for this little Annie Anazuma -to eat for Hon. Christmas.</p> - -<p>I am considerably sorrow for civilizedation when -I make thoughts about this Santy Claus affair. -Does not American missionary say to Japanese -Boy, “Thou shan’t not lie?” Why then is this -lying-instruction given to American children? -Hon. Geo. Washington was disgusted to tell a liar. -Hon. Roosevelt enjoys faintness after entertaining -such persons. He has frequently spoken to -Congress about this habit which they enjoy. -Why, then, does American gentleman donate -presents to baby and lay all blame for the affair to -Santy Claus. Is it not cowardly to get out of it -in this way?</p> - -<p>When American gentleman give Christmas -present to wife he does not blame it to Santy Claus -because those lady is too smart to believe such -talk. Therefore he must confess that he done it -himself.</p> - -<p>In getting civilized all over herself must Japan -do this Hon. Christmas also? I do not require -this, because many Christmas customs is not best<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_358"></a>[358]</span> -good for all human races. Therefore Japan can -get along more quicker without Hon. Christmas, -which comes only once annually, but stays long -time.</p> - -<p>To what use is it, I will please inquire, to give -Japan Baby jump-up-jack, toy shoot-gun, little -squeak-dog? Would it not be more improving to -his tiny brain-thoughts to present him with -History-books, electrical apparatus, etc.? Is -Mother Geese sing-song book of more knowledge -to kindergarten intelligence as some happy treatise -for Japanese children like “How to Build a Navy -in 15 Lessons?” I enquire.</p> - -<p>Also this. American young persons employ -their Christmas holiday for make careless amusements -like turkey-eat, merrying and flirtating. -Would it not be more healthy for their souls if -following program was served for Christmas?</p> - -<p>8 <span class="allsmcap">A. M.</span>—Get up for Sunday clothes.</p> - -<p>8.30 <span class="allsmcap">A. M.</span>—Light breakfast of rice & water.</p> - -<p>9.00 <span class="allsmcap">A. M.</span>—practise prize-fighting, feetball & -other simple gymnastus.</p> - -<p>9.30 <span class="allsmcap">A. M.</span>—attend lecture on Art, Music & -Shorthand.</p> - -<p>10.30 <span class="allsmcap">A. M.</span>—read together from works of John -Greenleaf Whittier and relate 6 humoristick anecdotes -of Hon. Mark Twain.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Noon</span>—Vegetarian refreshments & light nap till</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_359"></a>[359]</span></p> - -<p>2 <span class="allsmcap">P. M.</span>—Mass meeting of all nationalities to -discuss Universal Peace.</p> - -<p>5 <span class="allsmcap">P. M.</span>—Tea ceremony at residence of some -rich person.</p> - -<p>7 <span class="allsmcap">P. M.</span>—Dinner of fish, pickled turnips & -other holiday foods.</p> - -<p>8.30 <span class="allsmcap">P. M.</span>—Attend performance of Ben Hur.</p> - -<p>10.30 <span class="allsmcap">P. M.</span>—Retire after sending out Mary -Christmas cards to all friends.</p> - -<p>This kind of Christmas enjoyment would make -all Christians more healthy. For Christmas present -they would give valuable advice and receive -choice instruction as come-back. Foreign Americans -which now make peace-on-earth by whisky-drinking -would not do so. By eating Japanese -food all would escape digestion which now makes -so many angry groans in bed. Infants & babies -would not be faked to by Santy Claus. Fire-engine -man would hitch horse and attend lectures, -because there would not be no Christmas trees -to burn down the insurance. Professors would -have fine time talking and all would be obliged to -listen. This would be very cheap and natural -for each human race.</p> - -<p>Whenever I am talked to of giving something to -merry Christmas people I tell following Japanese -mothology:</p> - -<p>In Kyoto, about 12007 B. C., there reside a<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_360"></a>[360]</span> -notorious Poet name of Washu who remain there -tranquilly, enjoying blessings of great poverty, -thank you. Governing this city there was a gentleman -name of Hon. Mamayuki who was celebrated -for stingyness and other virtues. On New Year -day, time of Japanese Christmas-present, poet -Washu send to Hon. Mamayuki following rhythm:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“Dear sir, heaven knows you are serene like the stars—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Therefore do you remember Poets now and then?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Washu, the Poet, have sang songs for your benefit several administrations,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He have handed out tributes to your handsome of face, good-clothes,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Not forgetting praise of babies belonging to your several Hon. wives;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Also Washu has been regardless about speaking of your generosity.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Therefore, Commander of Heaven and Earth,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Is it not</div> - <div class="verse indent0">About time</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That you make trifling Christmas-reward to the celebrated sing-songer Washu?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I bow down, strike forehead and request reply by return mail.”</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Hon. Mamayuki, soon as he receive this poetical -rhythm, go to barnyard of Palace and there choose -one camel-horse celebrated for hungry appetite. -This brutal beast Hon. Mamayuki capture and -send to Hon. Washu with following words:</p> - -<p>“Little Gift to reward great Poet. Mary -Christmas!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_361"></a>[361]</span></p> - -<p>Hon. Washu see this camel-horse and weep -thoughtfully. Poets is not given credit for groceries -in Japan—so how to feed this menagerie -which was no use to Mr. Washu’s profession? -Yet it would not be safe for his neck to sell or give -away present sent by Gov. of Kyoto. Even while -weeping this poetical Japanese embrace that camel -pet with one glad thought: Camel-horses is different -from plain beasts, because they only needs -to eat and drink once time eech month!</p> - -<p>“This is great economy for Japanese Poet,” -make Washu in brain-thoughts.</p> - -<p>But when 1st day of next month come by -them brutal animal begin complaining for lunch. -Washu enjoy painful thought—but he is brave -Samurai. So he lead this camel-pet to kitchen -where greatest poverty ensues. “All which I have -here you are welcome to and much obliged,” he -say to camel-pet. So he bring out 6 pounds rice, -72 pancakes, 14 packages tea, 2 bales straw, 9 -yards matting from floor—all these delecatessance -which camel-horse devour making lip-smack and -other sounds of great thirst. Now at that time -there was big drouth in Kyoto and water was very -expensive, thank you. But this poetical Washu buy -three barrel of water for that camel-horse at price -of 2 yen per quart. But camel-pet continue making -rusty sounds of voice to request more, please.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_362"></a>[362]</span></p> - -<p>At last when this hon. brute begin to eat paper -from walls Washu feed him shoes & straw hat and -commit hari-kiri after delivering following invitation -to Mamayuki, Gov. of Kyoto:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“Dear sir, when next you present Camel to one poor Japanese</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Please provide pension with which to pay board for this Zoo;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For is it just to donate Palace to gentleman who cannot afford to pay for lawn-sprinkler?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Is it generous to endow poverty-persons with ottomobiles when they have not got nothing to buy no gasolene with?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Flour, potatoes, beefsteak,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Is enthusiastic Christmas-present for all literary Poets,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But since Camel came</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I have felt White Elephant on fingers.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Therefore Washu the Poet</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Goes dead.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">If you look for his address,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Enquire of Ancestors,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For it is very cheap to live when you are dead.”</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Thank you, Mr. Editor, I am going to be -Christian on Dec. 25, so as to get back them 25c -which Hon. Rev. Chillworthy has took. But -I am going to eat like heathen, think like -heathen, act like heathen, so that everything about -me shall remain in good-healthy condition for 4th -of July, when it is unnecessary to be a Christian, -thank you. Hoping you get for Christmas present -what is coming to you,</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_363"></a>[363]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXXIX">XXXIX<br> -<span class="smaller">THE ANNUAL NEW YEAR</span></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">San Francisco</span>, December 28th.</p> - -<p class="hanging"><i>To celebrated newspaper printers, New York -City, etc.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dearest Sirs</span>—We are about to put away this -1908th year, thank you, because it is considerably -used up. How many kind thoughts of neighbours, -young ladies, labouring unions, sickness, food & -drunk, poems of Hon. Mr. Byron, etc., come to -this Japanese Schoolboy for sentimental intelligence -to celebrate! O my, so soon this year have -went! So short of time for 365 days, so full of -everything what has happened to people! How -can I speak for tears of voice? O happy date of -Jan. 1st! Persons which are sorry for what they -done on Christmas can now forget it by turning -over and over: Give ring-off to old, give ring-on -to new!</p> - -<p>During this so happy annual that is past many -National Events has happened to me. Brick-bat -wound sent by labouring union has swole up, -thank you, enjoying some agony; Miss Furioki -which married cousin Nogi loves me so little; C. W.<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_364"></a>[364]</span> -Kurashuke, Japanese dentistry, operate on my -toothache which I shall never pay for; Arthur -Kickahajama, missionary boy, ruin the beauty of -my derby hat by wearing it; I must suicide myself -to hari-kiri on account of O-Fido who create -expense & only wag about it; I have acquired a -feetwet by searching for employment which brings -me the result of great influenza and sneezing in -hon. nose. All these blessings make Japanese -Boy forgiving to turn over new leap-year.</p> - -<p>I enjoy suspicious sensation, Mr. Editor. What -make all-world persons so happy about New Year -day arriving less? Because so. Persons say secretly -in sinful brain-thoughts: “That last annual year -were disappointing, thank you. It was good year -when first made, but considerably decomposed by -various gentlemans who was to blame. Hon. -Roosevelt spoil this year with muddy feet-kicks, -Hon. Rockefeller ruin it by robbery & prayer, -Hon. Lawson make it sad with considerable foolish -wisdom. This year may go chase itself, please, -if convenient. By next New Year time we -shall not enjoy so many curses. All world shall -love itself and so on. Japanese shall join hands -with Irish and population mix-up. Bankers, -divorces, house-flies, and other grafts shall be -prohibited by poisoning them. Therefore let us -order another drunk.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_365"></a>[365]</span></p> - -<p>“Of what value is this New Year time to Japanese -persons?” I compel of cousin Nogi when I call -to borrow 10 cents, price of Japanese cigarettes.</p> - -<p>“For this,” exaggerate Nogi, “because is.”</p> - -<p>“Tell me to know, please how?” I exhibit.</p> - -<p>“Togo,” cry Nogi, “New Year is for getting rid -of sin. You have some expensive sin which you -keep around—shampane, high-food, silk derby—New -Year fine time to make swear-off of this.”</p> - -<p>“I am ridiculous to laugh,” I commit, “what -expensive sin I swear-off, please? I am enjoying -too much poverty to be able not to get -along without nothing which I haven’t not got, -have I?”</p> - -<p>“One expensive sin you have got which you -might resolution to get away from,” magnify this -Nogi, “you are educated to cigarette-smoking. -Swear-off, please. Therefore I will not loaned you -them 10c you ask for to have.”</p> - -<p>Since these conversation I have not called to -Nogi or Miss Furioki which he married himself to. -Nogi has got one jiu-jitsu comeing to him.</p> - -<p>However yet, if I am sinful, I shall make some -fine resolutions to give up many things which I -have not got. But before doing so I shall be -thankful to supply for you following review of -National Events which has happened to this kingdom -for year 1908th:</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_366"></a>[366]</span></p> - -<p><i>Panama Canal</i>—This will be completed as -soon as begun. No mosquitos.</p> - -<p><i>Politicks</i>—Hon. Roosevelt will not be doing -so much longer. This kingdom have already -chosen which Democratic president will not be -elected.</p> - -<p><i>Warfare</i>—I do not know about this. America -fleet is out hunting for it.</p> - -<p><i>Education</i>—Hon. Mark Twain is made laughing -professor of Oxford, home for English schoolboys. -Humoristick anecdote of that great man -was enjoyed by all and understood by some.</p> - -<p><i>Literature & Art</i>—Much is being done in this -line, but very little accomplished.</p> - -<p><i>Socialism</i>—This talk is spoken in many languages -and require much brain-thought. Some -delightful speaker say:</p> - -<p>“All men are equal.” “Equal to what?” is -question from Japanese Boy.</p> - -<p><i>Business</i>—This is pretty hard to do just at -presently.</p> - -<p><i>Athleticks</i>—A game of feetball was played -between Yale & Harvard this year to celebrate -the Battle of Waterloo. Both sides won except -Yale, which didn’t. This is fine exercise for -young students which does not care for death by -book-study.</p> - -<p><i>Real Estate</i>—Everywhere good corner lots can<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_367"></a>[367]</span> -be had for prices asked. Skyscrape buildings is -acting very valuable. Some empty lots still continues -to remain in Canada and suburbs of -Nebraska. J. Furo, Japanese hardware, who is -dead, is renting second story of store to O. -Jiijuwaki, Japanese undertaker.</p> - -<p class="tb">Mr. Editor, because you are conductor of great -newspaper I desire let you have some news which -will surprise you. It happen in Japan 2016 years -formerly. Following is it:</p> - -<p>During that year I say about there reside in -Hokadate, Japan, very sweet singer name of Obi -Obi. In order to keep him in good voice for songs, -which he could sang like nightinglory-bird, this -man was oblige to take considerable rice brandy -by each evening. Then he would sing pretty fine till -stopped by friends and police. He continue this exercise -for several years and never get tired out of it.</p> - -<p>Come time to Happy New Years on the day -before is. Obi Obi declare: “To-morrow will -be January One on which all good Japanese are -respected to reform theirselves. Therefore tonight -must be the night.”</p> - -<p>So Obi Obi order to house large kag-barrel of -rice whiskey, together with many friends to hear -concert. After 2 qts of these was drunken up Obi -Obi sing very fine from Japanese opera. Friends<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_368"></a>[368]</span> -applause for more and decry: “Too sorry this -music-song must be stopped up to-morrow which -is swear-off New Years!”</p> - -<p>When midnight time arrive, Obi Obi, too tired -to sing no more, so he fall to slumber under table -and this he dream:</p> - -<p>He dream that Angel of Dying drop to him out of -sky and carry under wing one large literary Book.</p> - -<p>“Obi Obi,” she command, “these here Book -is that Life which you been leading around this -several years.”</p> - -<p>“My sakes!” commute this Obi Obi, “what -disgusting literary job of writing is put down on -them pages—such blots and woggly-letters -with swear-and-tear places all over it! Who wrote -them disgusting records of life, please Mr. Angel?”</p> - -<p>“Obi Obi, sweet singer, it was <i>you</i> that done it -all these years you have been songing and whiskey-drunking,” -devour that lovely Angel.</p> - -<p>“Then I must have enjoyed great wickedness to -have wrote my lifetime so badly,” retort that great -man.</p> - -<p>“Yes, you have so,” say Angel. “You are -therefore to die and go to boiling-point on this New -Year day—come, please.”</p> - -<p>“Thank you, Hon. Angel, one more chance for -Obi Obi, be so kind!”</p> - -<p>“Very well, once more chance,” say spirited<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_369"></a>[369]</span> -Angel. “If you can wrote in these Book one page -of neat-writing, Spencerian book-keep handwrite, -no blotting-marks, then you may die and go -Heaven.”</p> - -<p>“Thank you to do!” say Obi Obi, & took fountind -pen & wrote once more page in Book of Life. -But when done—O such bad disgust! That -page was all blotty-marked with woggly ink-splatter -letters and orthography.</p> - -<p>“There!” say Angel, “you have wrote new leaf -on New Year day, and see! It is worse job as -formerly. Come, please, and die.”</p> - -<p>Obi Obi look at page and say this following -philosophy:</p> - -<p>“The reason why so I write it so bumly in Book -of Life is not because of me, but because of bad -pen and ink provided.”</p> - -<p>Then he wake up with head-split and throat-crack -symbols of drunkenness. He make groaning -sound and O Yucha San, wife of his, approach -with that delicious ice-water.</p> - -<p>“It is Happy New Year!” she relate, making -smiles.</p> - -<p>“Thank you for telling me so it is,” say Obi Obi. -Then he went dead.</p> - -<p>And them dying words is to be saw on tomb -which you may visit there to-day, price two sen -admission.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_370"></a>[370]</span></p> - -<p>Please to listen what I do with tipewriting last -night:</p> - -<h3><i>O JOYFUL NEWNESS OF YEAR</i></h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">O joyful newness of annual year!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Oh!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">It is refreshing to watch the daisies sprouting all along the eternal cowpath of cities;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Is it not?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And yet I have never saw them do this;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But still they are to emblify hopeing-feel of New Year.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Shall I mail you coloured post-card,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">O Love?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Telling about how Japanese Boy</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Feel fresh?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">On all gate-posts of American persons is hung emblems</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Of hope for future real-estate.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">All Americans are caming home early of New Year morning.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And some has forgotten to.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For New Year has came with legal holly-day</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To put on derby hat,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To see friends and enjoy excitement of general custom.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I bow to Happy New Year, I reverence all them things about it,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I rejoice, legally, I intoxicate, I syndicate my thoughts to all humanity-races—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And yet, to tell you honest true,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I do not care much for New Years time,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Because I do not.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Hoping you will be more wiser, if possible, next -annual year and that all persons may be onto it, -also, good-bye and some to friends,</p> - -<p class="center">Yours truly,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.</p> - -<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LETTERS OF A JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY ("HASHIMURA TOGO") ***</div> -<div style='text-align:left'> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will -be renamed. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part -of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project -Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ -concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, -and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following -the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use -of the Project Gutenberg trademark. If you do not charge anything for -copies of this eBook, complying with the trademark license is very -easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation -of derivative works, reports, performances and research. Project -Gutenberg eBooks may be modified and printed and given away—you may -do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected -by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark -license, especially commercial redistribution. -</div> - -<div style='margin-top:1em; font-size:1.1em; text-align:center'>START: FULL LICENSE</div> -<div style='text-align:center;font-size:0.9em'>THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE</div> -<div style='text-align:center;font-size:0.9em'>PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -To protect the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting the free -distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work -(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project -Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full -Project Gutenberg™ License available with this file or online at -www.gutenberg.org/license. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; font-size:1.1em; margin:1em 0; font-weight:bold'> -Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg™ -electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to -and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property -(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all -the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or -destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in your -possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a -Project Gutenberg™ electronic work and you do not agree to be bound -by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person -or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be -used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who -agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few -things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg™ electronic works -even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See -paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project -Gutenberg™ electronic works if you follow the terms of this -agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg™ -electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the -Foundation” or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection -of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. Nearly all the individual -works in the collection are in the public domain in the United -States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the -United States and you are located in the United States, we do not -claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, -displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as -all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope -that you will support the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting -free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg™ -works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the -Project Gutenberg™ name associated with the work. You can easily -comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the -same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg™ License when -you share it without charge with others. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern -what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are -in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, -check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this -agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, -distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any -other Project Gutenberg™ work. The Foundation makes no -representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any -country other than the United States. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other -immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg™ License must appear -prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg™ work (any work -on which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the -phrase “Project Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, -performed, viewed, copied or distributed: -</div> - -<blockquote> - <div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> - This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most - other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions - whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms - of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online - at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you - are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws - of the country where you are located before using this eBook. - </div> -</blockquote> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is -derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not -contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the -copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in -the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are -redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase “Project -Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply -either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or -obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg™ -trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is posted -with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution -must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any -additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms -will be linked to the Project Gutenberg™ License for all works -posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the -beginning of this work. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg™ -License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this -work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg™. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this -electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without -prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with -active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project -Gutenberg™ License. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, -compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including -any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access -to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg™ work in a format -other than “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official -version posted on the official Project Gutenberg™ website -(www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense -to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means -of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original “Plain -Vanilla ASCII” or other form. Any alternate format must include the -full Project Gutenberg™ License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, -performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg™ works -unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing -access to or distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works -provided that: -</div> - -<div style='margin-left:0.7em;'> - <div style='text-indent:-0.7em'> - • You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from - the use of Project Gutenberg™ works calculated using the method - you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed - to the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, but he has - agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project - Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid - within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are - legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty - payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project - Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in - Section 4, “Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg - Literary Archive Foundation.” - </div> - - <div style='text-indent:-0.7em'> - • You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies - you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he - does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg™ - License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all - copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue - all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg™ - works. - </div> - - <div style='text-indent:-0.7em'> - • You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of - any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the - electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of - receipt of the work. - </div> - - <div style='text-indent:-0.7em'> - • You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free - distribution of Project Gutenberg™ works. - </div> -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project -Gutenberg™ electronic work or group of works on different terms than -are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing -from the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the manager of -the Project Gutenberg™ trademark. Contact the Foundation as set -forth in Section 3 below. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -1.F. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable -effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread -works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project -Gutenberg™ collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg™ -electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may -contain “Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate -or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other -intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or -other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or -cannot be read by your equipment. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right -of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project -Gutenberg™ trademark, and any other party distributing a Project -Gutenberg™ electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all -liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal -fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT -LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE -PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE -TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE -LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR -INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH -DAMAGE. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a -defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can -receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a -written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you -received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium -with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you -with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in -lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person -or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second -opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If -the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing -without further opportunities to fix the problem. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth -in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’, WITH NO -OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT -LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied -warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of -damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement -violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the -agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or -limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or -unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the -remaining provisions. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the -trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone -providing copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in -accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the -production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg™ -electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, -including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of -the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this -or any Project Gutenberg™ work, (b) alteration, modification, or -additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg™ work, and (c) any -Defect you cause. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; font-size:1.1em; margin:1em 0; font-weight:bold'> -Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg™ -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Project Gutenberg™ is synonymous with the free distribution of -electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of -computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It -exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations -from people in all walks of life. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the -assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg™’s -goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg™ collection will -remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure -and permanent future for Project Gutenberg™ and future -generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see -Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; font-size:1.1em; margin:1em 0; font-weight:bold'> -Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non-profit -501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the -state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal -Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification -number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by -U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -The Foundation’s business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, -Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up -to date contact information can be found at the Foundation’s website -and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact -</div> - -<div style='display:block; font-size:1.1em; margin:1em 0; font-weight:bold'> -Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Project Gutenberg™ depends upon and cannot survive without widespread -public support and donations to carry out its mission of -increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be -freely distributed in machine-readable form accessible by the widest -array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations -($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt -status with the IRS. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating -charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United -States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a -considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up -with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations -where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND -DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state -visit <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/donate/">www.gutenberg.org/donate</a>. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we -have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition -against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who -approach us with offers to donate. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make -any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from -outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Please check the Project Gutenberg web pages for current donation -methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other -ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To -donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate -</div> - -<div style='display:block; font-size:1.1em; margin:1em 0; font-weight:bold'> -Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg™ electronic works -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project -Gutenberg™ concept of a library of electronic works that could be -freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and -distributed Project Gutenberg™ eBooks with only a loose network of -volunteer support. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Project Gutenberg™ eBooks are often created from several printed -editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in -the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not -necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper -edition. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Most people start at our website which has the main PG search -facility: <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -This website includes information about Project Gutenberg™, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. -</div> - -</div> -</body> -</html> diff --git a/old/69316-h/images/cover.jpg b/old/69316-h/images/cover.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index b7219ea..0000000 --- a/old/69316-h/images/cover.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/69316-h/images/fructus.jpg b/old/69316-h/images/fructus.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index b506d77..0000000 --- a/old/69316-h/images/fructus.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/69316-h/images/illus01.jpg b/old/69316-h/images/illus01.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 248099f..0000000 --- a/old/69316-h/images/illus01.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/69316-h/images/illus02.jpg b/old/69316-h/images/illus02.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 2356fbb..0000000 --- a/old/69316-h/images/illus02.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/69316-h/images/illus03.jpg b/old/69316-h/images/illus03.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 526dc8d..0000000 --- a/old/69316-h/images/illus03.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/69316-h/images/illus04.jpg b/old/69316-h/images/illus04.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 74f2a85..0000000 --- a/old/69316-h/images/illus04.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/69316-h/images/illus05.jpg b/old/69316-h/images/illus05.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 6dca9b0..0000000 --- a/old/69316-h/images/illus05.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/69316-h/images/illus06.jpg b/old/69316-h/images/illus06.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index fabb298..0000000 --- a/old/69316-h/images/illus06.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/69316-h/images/illus07.jpg b/old/69316-h/images/illus07.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 8d80749..0000000 --- a/old/69316-h/images/illus07.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/69316-h/images/illus08.jpg b/old/69316-h/images/illus08.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 63bf7a6..0000000 --- a/old/69316-h/images/illus08.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/69316-h/images/illus09.jpg b/old/69316-h/images/illus09.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index a6f2300..0000000 --- a/old/69316-h/images/illus09.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/69316-h/images/illus10.jpg b/old/69316-h/images/illus10.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 30dd5b2..0000000 --- a/old/69316-h/images/illus10.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/69316-h/images/illus11.jpg b/old/69316-h/images/illus11.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index b440e81..0000000 --- a/old/69316-h/images/illus11.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/69316-h/images/illus12.jpg b/old/69316-h/images/illus12.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 8bc4785..0000000 --- a/old/69316-h/images/illus12.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/69316-h/images/illus13.jpg b/old/69316-h/images/illus13.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 608649a..0000000 --- a/old/69316-h/images/illus13.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/69316-h/images/illus14.jpg b/old/69316-h/images/illus14.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 2c2eec0..0000000 --- a/old/69316-h/images/illus14.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/69316-h/images/illus15.jpg b/old/69316-h/images/illus15.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index aa72550..0000000 --- a/old/69316-h/images/illus15.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/69316-h/images/illus16.jpg b/old/69316-h/images/illus16.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index ac87758..0000000 --- a/old/69316-h/images/illus16.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/69316-h/images/illus17.jpg b/old/69316-h/images/illus17.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 4884552..0000000 --- a/old/69316-h/images/illus17.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/69316-h/images/illus18.jpg b/old/69316-h/images/illus18.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index a28b6ca..0000000 --- a/old/69316-h/images/illus18.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/69316-h/images/illus19.jpg b/old/69316-h/images/illus19.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index b5effbe..0000000 --- a/old/69316-h/images/illus19.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/69316-h/images/illus20.jpg b/old/69316-h/images/illus20.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 7ee3651..0000000 --- a/old/69316-h/images/illus20.jpg +++ /dev/null |
