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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3b7766e --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #69216 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/69216) diff --git a/old/69216-0.txt b/old/69216-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 64ea2f1..0000000 --- a/old/69216-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,4932 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of Sheared cream o' wit, by Carl J. -Mittler - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: Sheared cream o' wit - A classified compilation of the best wit and humor - -Author: Carl J. Mittler - -Release Date: October 23, 2022 [eBook #69216] - -Language: English - -Produced by: Charlene Taylor and the Online Distributed Proofreading - Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from - images generously made available by The Internet - Archive/American Libraries.) - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SHEARED CREAM O' WIT *** - - - - - - - _Sheared Cream - o’ Wit_ - - _A Classified Compilation of the Best - WIT and HUMOR_ - - _By - CARL J. MITTLER - Louisville, Ky._ - - COPYRIGHT 1923 - BY - CARL J. MITTLER - - - - -_This little anthology is lovingly dedicated to Miss Jennie C. Benedict -and Miss Salome E. Kerr, with respect and admiration._ - - - - -_By the Way_ - - -_My Dear Mr. Mittler_: - -_The old adage “what is one man’s laughter may be another man’s dirge” is -not inapplicable to the selections of wit and humor in your book._ - - _Please let me “dib” this one suggestion,_ - _Gulping rich food brings on indigestion,_ - _Homeopath these rescued treasures,_ - _Little at a time conserves the pleasures._ - -_Good luck to “Sheared Cream o’ Wit”._ - - AUGUSTUS E. WILLSON - - - - -_Foreword_ - - -The rare gift of originality is denied most of us, but a measure of -compensation rests in the gift of appreciation which has been so freely -bestowed, in some degree at least, upon nearly every one of the human -race. As one who enjoys this blessing, the compiler of this little volume -has counted it a labor of love, and hence a delight, to gather together -during a period of forty years choice bits of humor and quaint verse, for -his own amusement and the delectation of an inner circle of friends. - -The growth of this collection, together with the care used in selection, -seems now to warrant its stepping into a wider field. The same -recognition of the finer things of wit and pathos which led to these -gleanings will be met in other hearts and the smile of kindred spirits -will broaden as this little book makes its new friends. Under the -evening lamp, the family circle may have many a hearty laugh together; -in the office or train, the tired business man may ease the strain of -concentration; in the hospitals, weary convalescents may cheer the hours -of waiting; the after-dinner speaker may find here some worth-while “I am -reminded” stories; far and wide are scattered the multitudes of those who -will welcome the coming of one whose mission it is to “scatter sunshine” -along life’s weary way. - -The gems contained in these pages have been gathered from the _New -York Graphic_, _Texas Siftings_, _Ram’s Horn_, _Life_, _Paris Figaro_, -_Punch_, _London Tit Bits_, _Literary Digest_, _Ladies Home Journal_, -_Fliegende Blätter_, and from daily papers, living and dead. To all of -these, due acknowledgment is made and confidence is expressed that one -and all will endorse the propaganda for the spread of the gospel of -laughter. - -All of the foregoing is set down to emphasize the simple truth that I -shall regard my labor as well rewarded, if a bit of new joy, a ray of new -brightness, may enter the life of some one who needs it today. - - _Carl J. Mittler._ - - - - -_Random Smiles_ - - -Motto for young lovers: Sofa and no father. - - * * * * * - -I would like some powder, please, said the young miss to the drugstore -clerk. - -Yes, miss. Face, gun or bug? - - * * * * * - -Diner (Scanning menu)—Have you frog legs? - -Waitress—Oh, no sir! I walk this way on account of rheumatism. - - * * * * * - -The new long skirts may make the women appear taller, but there is no -denying that the short skirts make the men look longer. - - * * * * * - -Village Constable (to villager who has been knocked down by passing -motorist): You didn’t see the number, but could you swear to the man? - -Villager: I did, but I don’t think ’e ’eard me. - - * * * * * - -Messenger boy, with a telegram for Mr. Jenkins, rings the bell at -half-past one in the morning: Does Mr. Jenkins live here— - -Feminine voice from upstairs, wearily: Yes; bring him in. - - * * * * * - -Uncle Sam’s worries (Stevenson Americanized): - - There’s so much blues in the East of U. S. - And so much booze in the West of U. S. - That it ill behooves any of U. S. - To say what it thinks of the rest of U. S. - - * * * * * - -He—I feel like thirty cents. - -She—How things have gone up since the war. - - * * * * * - -Paw, said Tommy Tucker, am I descended from the monkey? Not on my side of -the house, replied Mr. Tucker, with much positiveness. - - * * * * * - -A Reformer would change the name of Hollywood to Follywood. - -The Hellywood. - - * * * * * - -Farmer—See here, young feller, what are you doing up that tree? - -Boy—One of your apples fell down and I’m trying to put it back. - - * * * * * - -A Yorkshireman recently entered an auction mart. Looking around and -catching the auctioneer’s eye during a lull in the bidding, he shouted -loudly enough to be heard by all: May I bid, sir? - -Certainly, said the man of the hammer, thinking him a customer. - -All eyes being turned on the questioner, he, making for the door, said: - -Well, I’ll bid you good-night, then. - -The laughter which followed stopped business for some time. - - * * * * * - -In the sweet silence of the twilight they honey-spooned upon the beach. - -Dearest, she murmured, trembling, now that we are married, I—I have a -secret to tell you! - -What is it sweetheart? he asked softly. - -Can you ever forgive me for deceiving you? she sobbed. My—my left eye is -made of glass! - -Never mind, lovebird, he whispered, gently; so are the diamonds in your -engagement ring! - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Smith presented her husband with triplets, and two weeks later she -had twins. - -How come? - -One of the triplets died. - - * * * * * - -An inebriated husband, who has returned after a night out, bringing with -him nothing but a charlotte russe, finds his wife very angry. I sent -you for fish last night and here you have come home with nothing but a -charlotte russe. - -Husband (startled)—Did she come all the way home with me? - - * * * * * - -An advertisement appeared in a newspaper lately praising a new make of -infant’s feeding bottle. Here is the advice it gave relative to its use: - -When the infant is done drinking, it must be unscrewed and put in cold -place under a tap. If the baby does not thrive on raw milk, it should be -boiled. - - * * * * * - -Jenkins’ mother-in-law was buried one day last week. Jenkins was visibly -affected as he followed the hearse. - -Bear up, sir, said the undertaker. Don’t cry. - -I can’t help it, sighed poor Jenkins. Poor woman! Do you know this is the -very first time we have been out together without quarreling? - - * * * * * - -The stingiest man was scoring the hired man for his extravagance in -wanting to carry a lantern in going to call on his best girl. - -The idea! he scoffed. When I was courtin’ I never carried no lantern; I -went in the dark. - -The hired man proceeded to fill the lantern. - -Yes, he said sadly, and look what you got. - - * * * * * - -Collector—When can you pay this bill? - -Business Manager—See the puzzle editor. - - * * * * * - -Are you Hungary, Frances? - -Yes, Siam. - -Well, Russia long and I’ll Fiji. - - * * * * * - -She—John, do you think that this hat is becoming to me? - -He—I expect so, for the bill will be coming to me. - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Wade Parker—Do you take a Sunday paper? - -Mrs. Glen Villers—We do if we get up before our next-door neighbors. - - * * * * * - -A young lady was caressing a pretty spaniel, and murmuring, I do love a -nice dog! Ah! sighed a dandy, standing near; I would I were a dog. Never -mind, retorted the young lady, sharply, you’ll grow! - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Knicker—Weren’t you frightened when the bull bellowed at you on -account of your new dress? - -Mrs. Bocker—No, it was exactly the same way Henry behaved when he got the -bill. - - * * * * * - -English specimen (with monocle)—Aw—do you serve lobstahs here? - -Boston waiter—We make no unnecessary inquiries concerning our customers, -sir. - - * * * * * - -This is from a retail grocer, found (not the grocer) in a basket of -Florida beans— - -Dearest Sweet Pea—Do you carrot all for me? My heart beets for you. With -your radish hair and turnip nose, you are the apple of my eye. Give me -a date, if we cantaloupe. Lettuce marry anyway. I know we would make a -happy pear. - - * * * * * - -Yes, dear, I was married last month. I’d like you to call on me and see -the pretty little flat I have. - -I’ve seen him, my dear. - - * * * * * - -What is the difference between a rooster, a soldier, and a vamp? - -The rooster says, Cock a doodle do. - -The soldier says, Yankee doodle do. - -And the vamp says, Any dude’ll do. - - * * * * * - -The prodigal son wrote the old man as follows— - -I got religion at camp meeting the other day. Send me ten dollars. - -But the old man replied— - -Religion is free. You got the wrong kind. - - * * * * * - -The girl was very pretty. Leaning her dimpled elbows on the table she -said—And what is your lecture to be about, professor? - -I shall lecture on Keats, he replied. - -Oh, professor, she gushed, what are keats? - - * * * * * - -A pretty young lady went into a Fourth Avenue music shop the other day. -She tripped up to the counter, where a new clerk was busy, and in her -sweetest tones asked— - -Have you “Kissed Me in the Moonlight”? - -No! It must have been the man at the other counter. I’ve only been here a -week. - - * * * * * - -A tall, strong man walked into a shop. - -I want to get a set of lady’s furs, he said. - -What kind? asked the male salesman. - -That brown set in the window will do if it’s not too dear, replied the -tall, strong man. - -Oh, you mean skunk? said the salesman. - -The salesman is still in the hospital. - - * * * * * - -Miss Fleyme—Oh, Mr. Nocoyne, how lovely of you to bring me these -beautiful roses! How sweet they are—and how fresh! I do believe there is -a little dew on them yet! - -Mr. Nocoyne—W-well, yes—there is; but I’ll pay it to-morrow. - - * * * * * - -Madam, I must request you to remove your hat, remarked the polite theater -usher. - -The lady smiled grimly. - -Does my hat annoy the little man behind me? - -Yes, madam. - -Then you’ll find it much easier to remove him. - - * * * * * - -How’s this? sneered the jealous goose. How happens it you aren’t the -leading attraction at some Thanksgiving dinner? - -The beautiful young turkey blushed and hung her head. Then she said -softly— - -Nobody axed me. - - * * * * * - -A drummer approached a girl in charge of a soda fountain and before -giving his order asked—How is the milkmaid to-night? - -Milk isn’t made; it comes from cows, you fool, was the retort. He was -glad to close his mouth with some of it. - - * * * * * - -No man is as well known as he thinks he is, says Caruso. I was motoring -on Long Island recently. My car broke down and I entered a farmhouse to -get warm. The farmer and I chatted, and when he asked my name I told him -modestly that it was Caruso. At that he threw up his hands. - -Caruso! he exclaimed. Robinson Caruso, the great traveler! Little did I -expect ever to see a man like yer in this here humble kitchen, sir! - - * * * * * - -What do you mean by an “eight-day clock?” - -One that will run eight days without winding. - -Huh, then how long would it run if you wound it? - - * * * * * - -I sometimes wonder, said an Englishman visiting New York, to a pretty -girl sitting next to him at dinner, what becomes of all your peaches here -in America. - -Oh, was the reply, we eat what we can, and we can what we can’t. - - * * * * * - -Look here! angrily exclaimed the householder, pointing to a cigar-stump -that lay on the floor of the back porch. That was in the lump of ice you -left here yesterday morning! Well, belligerently replied the iceman, what -did you expect to get for fifteen cents—a box of perfectos? - - * * * * * - -I, said the temperance man, strongly object to the custom of christening -ships with champagne. - -I don’t, replied the other man. I think there’s a temperance lesson in it. - -How can that be? - -Well, immediately after the first bottle of wine the ship takes to water -and sticks to it ever after. - - * * * * * - -A man “butted in” at a waiting line before the railroad ticket window at -New York, and the men who were in a hurry glowered. - -I want a ticket for Boston, said the man and put 50 cents under the -wicket. - -You can’t go to Boston for 50 cents, returned the ticket seller. - -Well, then, asked the man, where can I go for 50 cents? - -And each of the fourteen men in that waiting room told him where he could -go. - - * * * * * - -But, observed the fool man who had permitted his wife to take him along -on her search for a spring bonnet, the hat doesn’t seem to fit. Now, I -think a woman’s hat should conform to her head the same as a man’s. - -Oh, tittered the merry milliner, there are no fits connected with spring -hats. They generally develop in the men when the bill comes home. - - * * * * * - -A few days ago, says the “_Newark Star_,” Alderman Elmer A. Day was -glancing over the register at one of the local hotels to see if a friend -of his was registered there. Near him stood a man who was holding onto -the desk for dear life in a semi-successful attempt to maintain his -balance. - -I s’pose you think I’m drunk? said the stranger, looking belligerently at -Day. - -No; not in the least, replied the Alderman, anxious to avoid the -possibility of a row. - -Well, you’d know I was if I let go this desk, answered the man. - - * * * * * - -I visited Miss Marie Corelli when I was in Stratford, said a young woman. -She lives in a quaint house of dull red brick. She is very pretty and -very rich, and she likes Americans. - -Miss Corelli was full of fun. She talked about woman’s over-regard for -appearances. She said that she herself was too prone to think that, if -appearances were all right, everything was right. - -Once, in her childhood, Miss Corelli said she was yachting on the English -coast. - -As the yacht sped along there was a sudden swerve, and the helmsman said— - -By Jove, I believe she’s broken her rudder. - -Oh, well, said the young girl, what does it matter? It’s under water, and -I’m sure nobody will notice it. - - * * * * * - -A sentimental novelist once wrote: Edwin then kissed Angelina under the -silent stars. - -The compositor set it up thus: - -Edwin then kicked Angelina under the cellar stairs. - - * * * * * - -Old Smith was busy in his back yard with saw and hatchet while his wife -nursed a bad cold in the house, when a neighbor came to the fence. - -Good mornin’, Mr. Smith, he said. How is Mrs. Smith this mornin’? - -Just about the same, old Smith replied. She didn’t sleep very well last -night. - -That’s too bad, the neighbor sympathized, and then, as a raucous sound -came from the house, he added solicitously: - -I s’pose that’s her coughin’, ain’t it? - -No, old Smith answered absent-mindedly, his eyes still on his work, it -ain’t her coffin, it’s a new hen house. - - * * * * * - -The world has so long been at war with the hapless printer that it will -be interesting to know that at least one compositor has been capable of -following instructions. Once upon a time a printer brought to Booth for -inspection proof of a new poster, which after the manner of its kind, -announced the actor as the eminent tragedian, Edwin Booth. - -Mr. Booth did not fully approve of it. - -I wish you’d leave out that eminent tragedian business. I’d much rather -have it simple Edwin Booth, he said. - -Very good, sir. - -The next week the actor saw the first of his new bills in position. His -request had been carried out to the letter. The poster announced the -coming engagement of Simple Edwin Booth. - - * * * * * - -I left my husband’s death notice here this morning, said the widow. - -Yes, said the bright clerk in the publication room of the “Daily Squib.” - -Now, continued the widow, I want you to add to the notice, “Gone to -Rest,” in an appropriate place. - -Yes, madam, replied the bright clerk, and the next morning she read: Gone -to rest in an appropriate place. - - * * * * * - -Miss Frances Kellar, of the Woman’s Municipal League of New York, -illustrated admirably at a dinner party a point which she wished to make. - -Women, a man has said, are vainer than men. - -Of course, Miss Kellar answered, I admit that women are vain and men are -not. There are a thousand proofs that this is so. Why, the necktie of the -handsomest man in the room is even now up the back of his collar. - -There were six men present, and each of them put his hand gently behind -his neck. - - * * * * * - -We recently heard of a man who attended a grand ball with his wife and -had a grand time. While dancing a quadrille he noticed that his pants -were ripping, and hurriedly retired to a room with his wife, who procured -a needle and thread and began sewing up the rip. While the man was -sitting there without any pants on he heard the rustling of skirts and it -occurred to him that he had taken refuge in the ladies’ dressing-room. He -appealed to his wife, and she shoved him to a door which opened, as she -thought, into a closet. Opening the door quickly, she shoved him through -and locked the door. Mary! he screamed, I’m in the ballroom! The door, -instead of opening into the closet, opened into the ballroom. - - * * * * * - -The Morning Star announced the death of William B. Jones when he was not -dead, writes Simeon Strunsky in the New York Evening Post. - -The next day it printed the following notice: - -Yesterday we were the first newspaper to publish the news of the death of -William B. Jones. Today we are the first to deny the report. The Morning -Star is always in the lead. - - * * * * * - -A matron of the most determined character was encountered by a young -woman reporter on a country paper, who was sent out to interview -leading citizens as to their politics. May I see Mr. ⸺? she asked of a -stern-looking woman who opened the door at one house. No, you can’t, -answered the matron decisively. But I want to know what party he belongs -to, pleaded the girl. The woman drew up her tall figure. Well, take a -good look at me, she said, I’m the party he belongs to! - - * * * * * - -Here is a singular incident showing how easy it is to mistranslate an -overheard remark. - -Said Mrs. A, one of the overhearers: They must have been to the zoo, -because I heard her mention a trained deer. - -Said Mrs. B: No, no. They were talking about going away and she said to -him, find out about the train, dear. - -Said Mrs. C: I think you are both wrong. It seemed to me they were -discussing music, for she said, A trained ear, very distinctly. - -A few minutes later the lady herself appeared and they told her of their -disagreement. - -Well, she laughed, that’s certainly funny. You are poor guessers, all of -you. The fact is, I’d been out to the country overnight and I was asking -my husband if it rained here last evening. - - * * * * * - -She was a pretty little widow, whose husband, after nine years of married -life, had left her with four strapping boys and a generous provision of -the world’s goods. Her financial affairs were in the hands of a trust -company, the cashier of which, having an ambition to be thought something -of a wit, often joked her when she called at the office. One day, in -opening her hand bag for a check, she thoughtlessly dropped a pin of the -variety known as safety. - -The cashier, noticing this, jocosely asked: - -Is that your fraternity pin? - -To which the little widow replied: - -No, it’s my maternity pin. - - * * * * * - -Can you tell me, said the cool-looking young lady in white, -confidentially approaching the young man at the soda fountain, the most -agreeable way to take castor oil? - -Oh, yes, indeed, replied the man, his eyes brightening. And while you are -waiting, he added, won’t you have a glass of soda? - -Oh, thank you, said the young lady, as he set it down before her. The day -being hot, in a few moments she had drained the glass. - -Is the prescription ready? she asked, sweetly, wiping her mouth. - -The young man’s eyes gleamed with benevolence. The prescription, he said, -tapping the glass, was in here. - -Do you mean to say I’ve drunk it? she screamed. But it wasn’t for me; it -was for my little brother! And she swept from the drug store. - -It’s too bad, sighed the young man, and she was one of our best customers! - -But she isn’t any more. Daily the soda fountain young man watches her -enter the drug store across the way, where they look before they leap. - - * * * * * - -An employer, noted for his energy and lack of tolerance for loafing in -any form, visited his stock room and found a boy leaning idly against -a packing case, whistling cheerily, and with nothing at all on his -mind. The chief stopped and stared. Such a thing was unheard of in his -establishment. - -How much are you getting a week? he demanded, with characteristic -abruptness. - -Twelve dollars. - -Here’s your twelve. Now get out. You’re through. - -As the boy philosophically pocketed the money and departed, the boss -turned to the chief clerk and demanded: - -Since when has that fellow been with us? - -Never that I know of, was the response. He just brought over a proof for -us from the printer. - - * * * * * - -Henry was at college. He had been spending somewhat too freely, and he -was short. It was near the holidays and he hated to write home for money. -As a last resort he pawned his dress suit to tide him over. - -When the time came to leave for home the suit was still unredeemed. He -knew he would need it at home. He hurriedly redeemed it at the last -moment, packed it in the grip and was off. - -His mother was helping him unpack. She came to the coat. - -Henry, she asked, what is this ticket on your coat for? - -Why, mother, he replied, I went to a dance the other evening and had my -coat checked. - -She continued putting away his garments. Finally she lifted out the -trousers. They, too, were ticketed. - -Henry! she exclaimed, what kind of a dance was that? - - * * * * * - -Philip—My man, I think you are one of the most self-controlled men I have -ever seen. - -Morris—Howcum? - -Philip—You seem to have an awful lot of trouble with your flivver. You -get angry with it, and yet you never swear at it. - -Morris—Well, you see it’s this way. I don’t think the flivver is worth a -damn. - - * * * * * - -It was in one of the “ten, twent, thirt” vaudeville houses where moving -pictures are shown. An Oriental act has been concluded and incense filled -the house. - -Usher, complained a pompous man in an aisle seat, I smell punk. - -That’s all right, whispered the usher, confidently, just sit where you -are, and I won’t put anyone near you. - - * * * * * - -Some time ago there lived a gentleman of indolent habits who spent his -time visiting among his friends. After wearing out his welcome in his own -neighborhood he thought he would visit an old Quaker friend some twenty -miles distant. - -On his arrival he was cordially received by the Quaker, who, thinking the -visitor had taken much pains to come so far to see him, treated him with -a great deal of attention and politeness for several days. - -As the visitor showed no signs of leaving, the Quaker became uneasy, but -bore it with patience until the eighth day, when he said to him— - -My friend, I am afraid thee will never come again. - -Oh yes, I shall, said the visitor. I have enjoyed my visit very much, and -shall certainly come again. - -But, said the Quaker, if thee will never leave, how can thee come again? - - * * * * * - -Prof. Starr, the famous ethnologist, was in his humorous and whimsical -way accusing women of barbarism. - -And she is not only barbarous—she is illogical and inconsistent, he -exclaimed. - -I was walking in the country one day with a young woman. In a grove we -came upon a boy about to shin up a tree. There was a nest in the tree, -and from a certain angle it was possible to see in it three eggs. - -You wicked little boy, said my companion, are you going up there to rob -that nest? - -I am, replied the boy, coolly. - -How can you, she exclaimed. Think how the mother will grieve over the -loss of her eggs. - -Oh, she won’t care, said the boy. She’s up there on your hat. - - * * * * * - -That Confederate money was never taken seriously is well illustrated in -the following story told by the late General John B. Gordon, and which, -as far as can be ascertained, has never appeared in print. - -One day during a temporary cessation of hostilities between the opposing -forces a tall, strapping Yankee rode into the Confederate camp on a sorry -looking old horse to effect a trade for some tobacco. - -Hullo, Yank! hailed one of a number of Confederate soldiers lolling about -on the grass in front of a tent, that’s a right smart horse you all got -there. - -Think so? returned the Yank. - -Yes; what’ll you take for him? - -Oh, I don’t know. - -Well, I’ll give you $7,000 for him, bantered the Confederate. - -You go to blazes! indignantly returned the Yank; I’ve just paid $10,000 -of your money to have him curried. - - * * * * * - -Two brothers were discussing which smelled the strongest, a goat or a -tramp. They agreed to leave it to the judge. - -All right, said the judge, trot in your animals. - -They brought in the goat and the judge fainted. They then brought in the -tramp and the goat fainted. - - * * * * * - -A party of traveling men in a Chicago hotel were one day boasting of the -business done by their respective firms, when one of the drummers said: - -No house in the country, I am proud to say, has more men and women -pushing its line of goods than mine. - -What do you sell? he was asked. - -Baby carriages! shouted the drummer, as he fled from the room. - - * * * * * - -Mayor’s secretary, William P. Ryan, was commenting on the way in which -many illiterate persons seem to get along in the world, says the Chicago -Journal. - -The late William J. Carrol used to tell a good story along this line, -said Mr. Ryan. He had business connected with the collection of rents -which used to take him to a certain place on the eastern shore at -intervals. On one occasion he went into a store there, the proprietor of -which could neither read nor write. While he was there a man came in who -was evidently a regular customer. - -I owe you money, don’t I? he said to the storekeeper. - -The latter went to the door and turned it around so that the back was -visible. - -That’s so, he replied—you owe me for a cheese. - -A cheese? replied the customer. No, I don’t. - -The storekeeper looked at the door again. - -That’s so, he said, it’s a grindstone; I didn’t see the dot in the -middle. - - * * * * * - -Can I get off tomorrow? - -You’ve been off a good deal lately. - -I want to get my eyes examined. - -Well, get a good job done. You’ll be looking for work after the first. - - * * * * * - -Henry, where on earth have you been? asked Mrs. Jollykid when Henry got -home at two bells. - -I cannot tell a lie; I’ve been at the office, said Henry. - -That’s where we differ. I can tell a lie—when I hear it. - - * * * * * - -He had been out late. When he reached his residence the church clock was -chiming 5. Heavy, weary, disgusted, he opened the front door with some -difficulty, and softly toiled up the stairs, entering his bedchamber with -elaborate caution. - -Thank goodness, she was asleep! - -He dropped into a chair, and without taking off his coat or hat, began to -remove his shoes. One he placed with great care upon the floor, but alas! -as he took off the other it slipped out of his hand and fell with a loud -noise. - -Wifey awoke on the instant. - -She looked at him and then at the summer sunlight that streamed through -the blinds. - -Why, George, what are you getting up so early for? - -Talk about reprieves! - -Why, my dear, replied George, with the clearest enunciation of which he -was capable. I found I couldn’t sleep, so I thought I’d get up and go out -and take a walk. - -And out the poor wretch went, dragging himself round wearily for an hour -upon the verge of tears and torpor. - - * * * * * - -Do you think it healthy to keep your hogs in the house? a social -investigator asked a native of Arkansas. - -Waal, I donno, he drawled. But I been akeepin’ my hawgs there for -fourteen years and I ain’t never lost one on ’em yet. - - * * * * * - -Three artists were trying to see who had painted the most realistic -picture. - -Why, I painted a picture of Abraham Lincoln which was so lifelike that I -had to shave it every day, said the first artist. - -Oh, that’s nothing, said the second. I once painted a picture of a piece -of marble which was so like one that when I threw it in some water it -splashed like real marble and sank. - -Why, that’s nothing, said the third, I painted a picture of a hen, and, -thinking it no good, threw it in the waste-basket, and it laid there. - - * * * * * - -Not a few people lose their wits in the midst of a fire. They will toss a -costly vase out of the window, but carry the tongs carefully downstairs -and out to a place of safety. They remind us of one of the anecdotes of -Mark Twain when he was a Mississippi River pilot, as told in St. Nicholas. - -Boys, said the great humorist to a group of his friends—I had great -presence of mind once. It was at a fire. An old man leaned out of a -four-story building calling for help. Everybody in the crowd below looked -up, but nobody did anything. The ladders weren’t long enough. Nobody had -any presence of mind—nobody but me. I came to the rescue. I yelled for a -rope. When it came I threw the old man the end of it. He caught it, and I -told him to tie it around his waist. He did so, and I pulled him down! - - * * * * * - -Arkansaw Native—How much for takin’ the pictures of my children? - -Photographer—Three dollars a dozen. - -Native—Wa’al, I reckon I’ll have to wait a spell; I hain’t got but ’leven -children at present! - - * * * * * - -Hello, Olaf where you ban so long? - -I ban got married. - -That’s good. - -Not so good, my wife’s got two children. - -That’s bad. - -Not so bad, she got $10,000. - -That’s good. - -Not so good, she wouldn’t give me the money. - -That’s bad. - -Not so bad, she built a house. - -That’s good. - -Not so good, the house burn down. - -That’s bad. - -Not so bad, my wife burn up in house. - - * * * * * - -Mark Twain, in his lecturing days, reached a small Eastern town one -afternoon and went before dinner to a barber’s to be shaved. - -You are a stranger in the town, sir? the barber asked. - -Yes, I am a stranger here, was the reply. - -We’re having a good lecture here to-night, sir, said the barber. A Mark -Twain lecture. Are you going to it? - -Yes. I think I will, said Mr. Clemens. - -Have you got your ticket yet? the barber asked. - -No, not yet, said the other. - -Then, sir, you’ll have to stand. - -Dear me! Mr. Clemens exclaimed. It seems as if I always do have to stand -when I hear that man Twain lecture. - - * * * * * - -Pompous Mistress—Who is that man at the door, Hannah? - -New Girl—He says he’s the rent collector, ma’am. - -Pompous Mistress—But, Hannah, we don’t pay rent. - -New Girl—That’s what he says, ma’am. - - * * * * * - -Mrs. M.’s patience was much tried by a servant who had a habit of -standing around with her mouth open. One day as the maid waited upon -table, her mouth was open as usual, and her mistress giving her a severe -look, said: - -Mary, your mouth is open. - -Yessum, replied Mary, I opened it. - - * * * * * - -An English sailor was watching a Chinaman who was placing a dish of rice -by a grave. - -When do you expect your friend to come out and eat that? the sailor asked. - -Same time as your frien’ come out to smelle flowers you fellow put, -retorted Li. - - * * * * * - -She was a four-flusher, particularly as to her abilities in various -sports. - -Do you golf? he asked. - -Oh, I love golf, she answered. I play at least thirty-six holes twice a -week. - -And how about tennis? - -I won the woman’s state championship in our State. - -And do you swim? - -The best I ever did was a half mile straight away, she replied. - -Somewhat fatigued, he changed to literature. - -And how do you like Kipling? he asked. - -I kippled an hour only yesterday, was her unblushing reply. - - * * * * * - -Smith—Well, but if you can’t bear her, whatever made you propose? - -Jones—Well, we had danced three times, and I couldn’t think of anything -else to say. - - * * * * * - -Francis Wilson tells an anecdote of Mark Twain’s aversion to barbers. It -appears that a barber having kept Mr. Clemens in the chair for more than -the usual period at length finished shaving him and said, Shall I go over -it again? - -No, drawled Mark, I heard every damned word of it. - - * * * * * - -You might as well admit your guilt, said the detective. The man whose -house you broke into positively identifies you as the burglar. - -That’s funny, said the burglar. - -What’s funny? asked the detective. - -How could he identify me when he had his head under the bedclothes all -the time I was in his room? - - * * * * * - -Mark Twain once addressed an audience in the interest of his fellow -townsman, General Joseph Hawley, who was a candidate for re-election -to the United States Senate, and said, in the course of a droll -address—General Hawley deserves your support, although he has about as -much influence in purifying the Senate as a bunch of flowers would have -in sweetening a glue factory. But he’s all right; he never would turn -any poor beggar away from his door empty handed. He always gives them -something—almost without exception a letter of introduction to me, urging -me to help them. - - * * * * * - -Wallingford is entertaining a number of men at the hotel who have -invested several thousands of dollars in his wildcat scheme. A newspaper -man comes in and asks him: - -Is this a surprise party, Mr. Wallingford? - -No, but it will be later on. - - * * * * * - -On a suburban trolley car the other day a man got on who was badly under -the influence of liquor. He got a seat and made himself quite offensive -to an old lady who sat near him. When the conductor came around for his -fare this old lady jumped up and said: - -Conductor, do you allow drunken people on this car? - -No, madam, replied the conductor, but sit down and nobody will notice you. - - * * * * * - -A good story is told of the troubles of an engaged couple. Not long ago -there was a quarrel between the two which resulted in their not speaking -to each other; but it became necessary, by reason of certain business -questions, for the young man to call on her father at the house. - -To the embarrassment of the lover the door was answered by the fair girl -herself. Although the young man afterward confessed, his heart beat -rapidly at the sight of his beloved, he managed to effect an air of -indifference and coldness, and to ask: - -Does Mr. Cash live here? - -He does, was the frigid reply. - -Is he at home? - -He is not. - -Then turning to go, the young man added: - -Thank you, I shall call again. But the girl was equal to the occasion. - -Pardon me, said she, in the same cool tone, but whom shall I say called? - - * * * * * - -You have a model husband, said the lady who was congratulating the bride. - -The next day the bride bethought her to look up the word “model” in the -dictionary, and this is what she found: MODEL—A small imitation of the -real thing. - - * * * * * - -A man whose business troubled him greatly was advised to advertise for -an Official Worrier. He did so, and among the applicants was a strong, -serious, impressive man. - -Are you prepared, asked the business man, to take over the burdens of the -business? - -I am, was the reply. - -And what is your charge? - -$10,000 a year. - -Good; the job is yours. I am off for a week’s golfing. On his return he -was confronted with this statement: - -I have been through your books. I find that your assets are far below -your liabilities; you have very little stock on hand; no orders; you owe -a tremendous amount of money and you are heavily overdrawn at the bank. -What I want to know is, where am I going to get my salary from? - -You ask me? said the business man. I should worry about your salary. That -is your job. What do you think you are hired for? - - * * * * * - -A curious inquirer wanted to know “What are the sister States?” and the -brilliant country editor answered— - -We are not quite sure, but we should judge that they are Miss Ouri, Ida -Ho, Mary Land, Callie Fornia, Allie Bama, Louisa Anna, Delia Ware, Minnie -Sota and Mrs. Sippi. - - * * * * * - -A German cobbler and his wife had two dogs—a St. Bernard, six months old, -and a fox terrier, three years old. A friend, calling one day, said to -the cobbler. Those are two fine dogs you have. - -Yes, replied the cobbler, und de funny part of it iss dat de biggest dog -is the littlest one. - -His wife then spoke up and explained: You must mine husband egscuse; he -spheaks not very goot English. He means de oldest dog is the youngest one. - - * * * * * - -There is a joke being told here at the expense of a modest young -bookkeeper which is so good it ought to be true. - -The young man in question, it appears, was recently invited to a party at -a residence where the home had recently been blessed with an addition to -the family. - -Accompanied by his best girl he met his kind hostess at the door and -after customary salutations asked after the welfare of the baby. - -The lady was suffering from a severe cold, which made her slightly deaf, -and she mistakenly supposed that the young man was inquiring about her -cold. - -She replied that she usually had one every winter but this was the worse -she had ever had; it kept her awake at night a good deal at first and -confined her to her bed. - -Then noticing that the young bookkeeper was becoming pale and nervous, -she said that she could see by his looks that he was going to have one -just like hers and asked him if he wished to lie down. - -The books were posted just the same next day but the young bookkeeper has -given up inquiring about babies. - - * * * * * - -George, you may bring me two fried eggs, some ham, a pot of coffee and -some rolls, said the man to the waiter. - -Yes, sir. - -His companion said, you may bring me the same. No; just eliminate the -eggs. - -Yes, sir. - -In a moment the waiter returned. - -Excuse me, sir, but what did you say about them eggs? - -I merely told you to eliminate them. - -Yes, sir. And he hurried away to the kitchen. - -In two minutes he came back once more, leaned confidently and penitently -over the table and said— - -We had a bad accident this morning, sir, an’ the limitator got busted -off, right at the handle. Will you take them fried, same as this -gentleman? - - * * * * * - -J. M. Carter, the well known architect of New York, once went into the -country to look at an opera-house that was to be enlarged and altered. -The owner of the place stood on the stage, and Carter walked about the -auditorium. We talked in loud tones, but though I was only half way back -I could hardly hear the man. - -The acoustics are bad here. Let’s go outside, I shouted finally. - -What? said the owner. - -The acoustics, I repeated, are bad. - -The acoustics? - -Yes. - -Well, what about them? - -I say the acoustics are bad. - -Indeed? I don’t smell anything, said the owner, sniffing about. - - * * * * * - -The husband arrived home much later than usual from the office. He took -off his boots and stole into the bedroom. His wife began to stir. Quickly -the panic-stricken man went to the cradle of his firstborn and began to -rock it vigorously. - -What are you doing there, Robert? queried his wife. - -I’ve been sitting here for nearly two hours trying to get this baby to -sleep, he growled. - -Why, Robert, I’ve got him here in bed with me, replied his wife. - - * * * * * - -Absalom Foote, an eccentric old man, who had grown tired of life in -the city, decided to move to some smaller town, free from the roar of -traffic, the bustle and confusion of the thronging multitude, where he -could end his days tranquilly, as became a man of his age. In casting -about for a location, his eyes chanced to light upon the advertisement in -a village paper of one Thomas R. Foote, who wanted to dispose of his boot -and shoe store at a bargain, having made up his mind to remove to the -city. - -That’s the very thing, he said, selling shoes is a very nice, easy -occupation. It will give me just enough to do to keep me from stagnating, -and it won’t wear me out with overwork. I’ll investigate it. It’s queer, -though, that his name is Foote, my name is Foote, he wants to come to the -city, and I want to go to the country. - -A visit to the little town decided him. He liked its appearance and -location. He was pleased, moreover, with Foote’s shoe store, and bought -it good will and all, at a bargain. - -Well, said the other Mr. Foote, you won’t have to change the sign. - -No, he answered slowly, I’ll just add a little to it. - -The next day he added this, just below the sign— - -This place has changed feet. - - * * * * * - -Speaking of cold storage eggs, a correspondent sends in a story that may -be new to some readers; at any rate it sounds plausible. A middle-aged -bachelor was in a restaurant at breakfast, when he noticed this -inscription on the egg— - -To Whom it May Concern—Should this meet the eye of some young man who -desires to marry a farmer’s daughter, 18 years of age, kindly communicate -with ⸺, Sparta, N. J. - -After reading this, he made haste to write to the girl, offering -marriage, and in a few days received this note— - -Too late. I am married now and have four children. - - * * * * * - -Mr. Ananias came home one night and was received very icily by his wife. -He immediately assumed the defensive. It was not until after dinner that -he dared ask his wife what the trouble was. Trouble, said she, why when I -sent your suit to the tailor this morning I found this memorandum in your -pocket, “Gwendolyn, Lenox 1020.” - -Why, said Ananias, of course you know what that means. That is a racing -tip. Gwendolyn is a horse, Lenox a jockey, and 1020 the racing odds. I am -going to the races tomorrow and will play Gwendolyn at one to two. - -The wife admitted her suspicions and begged forgiveness for doubting the -fidelity of her beloved for one moment. - -The next night Ananias came home very late from the races. Are you -asleep, he whispered to his wife who was in bed with her face to the -wall. No, she answered in distinct and hissing tones. You had better call -up Lenox 1020, your horse wants to speak to you. - - * * * * * - -Two men were waiting for a train and one said—I will ask you a question, -and if I can not answer my own question, I will buy the tickets. Then you -ask a question, and if you can not answer your own, you buy the tickets. -The other agreed to this. Well, the first man said, you see those -rabbit-holes? How do they dig those holes without leaving any dirt around -them? The other confessed—I don’t know. That’s your question, so answer -it yourself. The first man winked and replied—They begin at the bottom -and dig up! But, said the second man, how do they get at the bottom to -begin? That’s your question, was the first man’s rejoinder. Answer it -yourself. The other man bought the tickets. - - * * * * * - -Here is an incident that a Chanute man tells as having occurred in -a certain Kansas town. He was in the ticket office and watched the -proceedings. - -A man came up to the window and asked for a ticket to Kansas City, -inquiring the price. - -Two twenty-five, said the agent. - -The man dug down into a well-worn pocketbook and fished out a bill. It -was a banknote for $2. It was also all the money he had. - -How soon does this train go? he inquired. - -In fifteen minutes, replied the agent. - -The man hurried away. Soon he was back with three silver dollars, with -which he bought a ticket. - -Pardon my curiosity, said the ticket seller, but how did you get that -money? It isn’t a loan, for I see you have disposed of the $2 bill. - -That’s all right, said the man. No, I didn’t borrow. I went to a pawnshop -and soaked the bill for $1.50. Then as I started back here I met an old -acquaintance, to whom I sold the pawn for $1.50. I then had $3, and he -has the pawn ticket for which the $2 bill stands as security. - - * * * * * - -An aged Jersey farmer, visiting a circus for the first time, stood -before the dromedary’s cage, eyes popping and mouth agape at the strange -beast within. The circus proper began and the crowds left for the main -show, but still the old man stood before the cage in stunned silence, -appraising every detail of the misshapen legs, the cloven hoofs, the -pendulous upper lip, and the curiously moulded back of the sleepy-eyed -beast. Fifteen minutes passed. Then the farmer turned away and spat -disgustedly. - -Hell! There ain’t no such animal! - - * * * * * - -They were playing poker in a Western town. One of the players was a -stranger, and was getting a nice trimming. Finally the sucker saw one of -the players give himself three aces from the bottom of the pack. - -The sucker turned to the man beside him and said: Did you see that? - -See what? asked the man. - -Why, that fellow dealt himself three aces from the bottom of the deck, -said the sucker. - -Well, what about it? asked the man. It was his deal, wasn’t it? - - * * * * * - -At a dinner given by a political club in New York recently, a man who -is unusually young for one who has attained to such prominence in his -profession was for the first time in his life set down for a response -to one of the toasts. When at last he was called on, his beardless face -flushed and his manner was very embarrassed. Nevertheless he stood up and -thus delivered himself: Gentlemen, before I entered this room, I had an -excellent speech prepared. Only God and myself knew what I was going to -say. Now God alone knows. And he sat down. - - * * * * * - -That feller Morgan Buttles is terrible unpopular, said one mountaineer. - -We’ll have to git rid o’ him somehow, replied the old moonshiner. - -Yes. But we don’t want to do nothin’ in a way that ain’t legitimate an’ -customary. You know he has political ambitions. - -I’ve heard so. But he ain’t got no pull. - -Yes, he has. An’ you an’ your relations want to stand back o’ me when I -put the case up to our Congressman. We’ll git Buttles app’inted a revenue -inspector, an’ then let nature take its course. - - * * * * * - -A writer says in regard to the Prussia of fifty years ago that it had -a state lottery, and in every town, large or small, was a collector -appointed to sell tickets. One day a servant-girl came to the collector -in Hagen and asked if she could buy No. 23. - -He did not have it in his possession, but as the girl seemed very much -in earnest, and refused to be put off with any other number, he tried -to obtain it from some of the other collectors in town, and finally -succeeded. - -The drawing took place, and Hagen rose to a state of feverish excitement -when it was known that this girl had become a winner of a large sum of -money. She found herself for a time the chief object of interest in the -town. - -She was, of course, asked how she came to fix upon No. 23. Thereupon she -gave this simple and lucid explanation: - -I dreamed one night No. 7, and the second night I dreamed No. 7, and a -third night again. So I thought, Three times seven makes twenty-three, -and I bought that number. - - * * * * * - -A short time since two young women entered a tramcar in Manchester, -England, and found only standing room. One of them whispered to her -companion, I am going to get a seat from one of these men. You just take -notice. - -She selected a sedate-looking man, sailed up to him, and boldly opened -fire. - -My dear Mr. Green, how delighted I am to meet you! You are almost a -stranger! Will I accept your seat? Well I do feel tired, I heartily -admit! Thank you, so much! - -The sedate man, a perfect stranger, of course, quietly gave her his seat, -saying: - -Sit down, Jane, my girl; don’t often see you out on washing day. How’s -your mistress? - -The young lady got her seat, but lost her vivacity. - - * * * * * - -A number of years ago, when the present second Assistant Secretary of -State, Alvey A. Adee, was third assistant, an employe of the State -department was called to the phone. - -Will you kindly give me the name of the Third Assistant Secretary of -State? asked the voice at the other end of the wire. - -Adee. - -A. D. what? - -A. A. Adee. - -Spell it, please. - -A. - -Yes. - -A. - -Yes. - -A— - -You go to hell! and the receiver was indignantly hung up. - - * * * * * - -The following reply to a dun was actually received by one local customer. - - Dear Sir— - - I received your letter about what I owes you. Now be pachent. I - aint forgot you and as soon as foks pays me I’ll pay you. - - If this was judgment day and you no more prepared to met your - God than I am your account, your shor going to Hell. - - * * * * * - -The editor of the “Hardeman Free Press” says: - -We fell asleep in a chair at Grand Junction last Wednesday night on our -way home from Memphis in our usual soaked condition and let our train -leave us. The hotel clerk told us to go upstairs and take the room on the -right side of the hall with the lamp burning low. He sed he was crowded -and we would have to double up with a man. We went up and pulled off our -things and went to bed without waking our bedfellow, who was sleeping -sound with the sheet over his head to keep off the muskeeters. Before -we fell into the arms of morphine we seen a young lady and a young gent -come in and set down by the winder. At first they talked so low we could -not hear what they sed. Finally we heard the little miss say: Wallie, -ain’t you ashamed to try to kiss me right here where we air setting up -with a dead person? We felt cureous. We slowly reached over and touched -the nose of the man we wus in bed with, and seen at a glance that he was -dead alright. We riz up instantly, and it was a race to a finish twixt us -three fer the bottom of the steps. It is useless to say we was furst past -the post by two lengths. We didn’t skeer that couple any wuse than the -corpse skeered us. We walked through the country to Bolivar and wired for -our clothes by express. - - * * * * * - -Hello, is this you, Abe? - -Sure, it’s me. - -This is Abe Potash I’m talking to? - -Yes, yes. What do you want? - -Well, Abe, I want to borrow fifty dollars for— - -All right. I’ll tell him as soon as he comes in. - - * * * * * - -While a customer in one of our prominent stores on Fourth street, I saw -an unusually amazing incident. A lady of stupendous dimensions, stylishly -attired, entered the store and seated herself to be waited upon. Soon a -bald-headed clerk came up to serve her. After rejecting this pair and -that, she decided on some brown oxfords. The clerk knelt down to lace -them, and she gazed about the room. Suddenly she looked down and saw the -bald head. Thinking that it was her roller-topped knee, she modestly drew -her skirt over it. - - * * * * * - -Colonel Phil Thompson tells of the trials experienced by a friend of his -who recently acquired a new stenographer. The dear little thing is a -trifle weak in orthography but Thompson’s friend has been loath to call -her down, in view of the fact that she tries so hard to please. He is -too big-hearted to discharge the girl, for she needs the money; so he -corrects the spelling. - -Recently, however, he was forced to call her attention to the fact that -in a letter of some seventy-five words, she had committed eight errors, -among which was “fourty”. - -My, my! exclaimed the friend. This won’t do, you know; I can’t stand for -forty spelt this way! - -The willing worker looked over his shoulder at the offending word; -Gracious! she exclaimed, how careless of me! I left out the “gh,” didn’t -I? - - * * * * * - -Ikey—I got into a fight last week, and a man kicked me in de synagogue. - -Jakey—Ver is de synagogue? - -Ikey—In de temple. - - * * * * * - -This is the true story of a resourceful motorist. Of the ethics of it, -there is no condoning. A traffic law in a New England city forbids -the parking of cars on the principal business street. A citizen who -understood this, was sure he could stop his car, deliver a message and be -back in his seat all in a moment. But he was detained. Also he forgot. -When he came out a policeman stood by his automobile. Did the man go to -his car? He did not. He hurried to his office: He telephoned to police -headquarters: My car (giving a detailed description) has been stolen. -In a half hour this reply: An officer has found your car. It is here at -headquarters. Come and get it. He did. Profuse thanks. Was it clever? - - * * * * * - -A certain young man wrote the following letter to a prominent business -firm, ordering a razor. - - Dear Sirs—Please find enclosed 50c for one of your razors as - advertised and oblige, - - JOHN JONES. - - P. S.—I forgot to enclose the 50c but no doubt a firm of your - high standing will send the razor anyway. - -The firm addressed received the letter and replied as follows— - - Dear Sir—Your most valued order received the other day and will - say in reply that we are sending the razor as per request, and - hope that it will prove satisfactory. - - P. S.—We forgot to enclose the razor, but no doubt a man with - your cheek will have no need of it. - - * * * * * - -Can any lady or gentleman in the audience lend me a ten dollar gold -piece? asked the professor of magic. - -On vot, eagerly shouted the pawnbroker in the front row. - - * * * * * - -A Philadelphia business man tells this story on himself. - -You know in this city there are two telephone companies, he said, and in -my office I have a telephone of each company. Last week I hired a new -office boy, and one of his duties was to answer the telephone. The other -day, when one of the bells rang, he answered the call and then came in -and told me I was wanted on the ’phone by my wife. - -Which one? I inquired quickly, thinking of the two telephones, of course. - -Please, sir, stammered the boy, I don’t know how many you have. - - * * * * * - -William Blue was an engineer in the employ of one of the trunk railway -lines in this State. One of his duties was to haul the through freight -over the Western division, and his pet engine was No. 2. One night he had -an accident. One of the flues in the boiler of his pet engine flew out -and he was stalled, blocking the main line. He reported the matter to the -division superintendent unwittingly as follows— - -Engine two blew out a flue; what’ll I do?—Bill Blue. - -Then he sat down to wait instructions. This is what came over the wires -from the superintendent’s office twenty minutes later. - -Bill Blue—You plug that flue in engine two and pull her through in time -to get out of the way of twenty-two. - -This order is stuck up in the cab of engine 2. - - * * * * * - -Friend—My, vot a rotten cigar you giff me. - -Storekeeper—You should worry. You got vun, I got five hundred! - - * * * * * - -Mother—Rachel, your beau was here to see you last night. - -Kate—Oh, was he? - -Mother—No, not Wuzzy, Izzy. - - * * * * * - -I hear you give your little boy a quarter every week for behavior, Ignatz. - -Sure, but I fool him. I told him the gas meter was a little bank I bought -him. - - * * * * * - -At the luncheon to Nahum Sokolow, the Jewish journalist, attended by -New York editors, Adolph Ochs, of the Times, told of a Jew who came to -Bishop Potter, stating that he desired to embrace Christianity. The -Bishop arranged for him to have a talk with one of the curates, but the -applicant was insistent and said he wanted to join right away. - -Why are you in such a hurry? inquired the Bishop. - -Well, my family done me dirt and I want to disgrace them. - - * * * * * - -A dying man once sent for an Arkansas editor, who hastened to the -death-bed with more alacrity, as he had no heirs. I’m glad you’ve -come, said the old man in a deathly whisper. Come closer. The editor -approached. You know I have worked hard, and that I have earned every -cent I have got. Some time ago, you remember, I subscribed for your paper -for six months. There is just one more number due me, and as I am dying -and can’t wait until your next issue comes out, just give me a nickel and -we’ll call it square. - - * * * * * - -The following missive was received by the forest ranger of the Pasadena -district and read recently at the annual dinner of the Sierra Club in Los -Angeles. Kind and Respected Cir— - -I see in the paper that a man named J⸺ S⸺ was atacted and et up by a bare -whose cubs he was trying to git when the she bare came up and stopt him -by eatin him up in the mountains near your town. What i want to know is -did it kill him or was he only partly et up am he from this place and all -about the bare. I don’t know but what he is a distant husband of mine. My -first husband was of that name and I supposed he was killed in the war -but the name of the man the bare et being the same i thought it might be -him after all and i thought to know if he wasn’t killed either in the war -or by the bare for i have been married twice since and their ought to be -divorce papers got out by him or me if the bare did not eat him all up. -If it is him you will know it by him having six toes on the left foot. He -also sings base and has a spread eagle tattoed on his front chest and a -ankor on his right arm which you will know him if the bare did not eat up -these parts of him. If alive don’t tell him I am married to J⸺ W⸺ for he -never liked J⸺. Mebbe you had better let on as if i am ded but find out -all you can about him without him knowing anything what it is for. That -is if the bare did not eat him all up. If it did i don’t see you can do -anything and you needn’t take any trouble. My respeks to your family and -please ancer back. - -P. S.—Was the bare killed. Also was he married again and did he leave any -property worth me laying claim to? - - * * * * * - -An advertisement in a newspaper calling for a “first-class bookkeeper at -$3 a week” drew forth the following answer, the only one attracted by the -munificent salary. - -I am a young man, thirty-seven years of age, having had a business -experience of twenty-three years, being connected with the United -States Embassy at Madagascar, and feel confident if you will give me a -trial I can prove my worth to you. I am not only an expert bookkeeper, -proficient stenographer and typewriter, excellent operator and erudite -college graduate, but have several other accomplishments which might make -me desirable. I am an experienced snow shoveler, a first-class peanut -roaster, have some knowledge of removing superfluous hair and clipping -puppy dogs’ ears, have a medal for reciting “Curfew Shall Not Ring -Tonight.” Am a skilled chiropodist and practical farmer, can also cook, -take care of horses, crease trousers, open oysters and repair umbrellas. -Being possessed of great physical beauty, I would not only be useful, -but would be ornamental as well, lending to the sacred precincts of your -office that delightful artistic charm that a Satsuma vase or stuffed -billy-goat would. As to salary, I would feel I was robbing the widow -and swiping the sponge cake from the orphan if I was to take advantage -of your munificence by accepting the too fabulous sum of $3 per week, -and I would be entirely willing to give you my services for less, and -by accepting $1.37 per week would give you an opportunity of not only -increasing your donation to the church, pay your butcher and keep up your -life insurance, but also to found a home for indigent fly-paper salesmen -and endow a free bed in the cat home. - - * * * * * - -Private John Allen takes a deep interest in the advertising business. -Advertisements that he deems exceptionally good he clips out and pastes -in a scrap-book. As he was showing this scrap-book to a guest one day, he -said: - -But the best ad I know of is not in here. For it wasn’t written, but -spoken. It earned its originator some thousands of dollars, yet I can -never show it. I can only describe it, and description fails to do it -justice. - -It was the work of a clothier in Nashville. He had, with his partner, the -first establishment in town, and the business of the firm was considered -very prosperous. The two men had married sisters, and their relationship -was more than friendly. Hence the greatest surprise overtook Nashville -when the junior partner suddenly took out a summons and hauled his senior -into court. - -The senior partner is ruining the business, gossip said. He is getting -softening of the brain, or paresis, or something of that sort. Now is the -height of the spring season, when they ought to be making money hand over -fist, but the senior’s cracked methods are spoiling everything. - -So all Nashville took a tremendous interest in the case, and on the -morning it was called, the courtroom was crowded as in a murder trial. - -The junior partner’s complaint was presented strongly and directly. He -showed that goods were being sacrificed at a fraction of their value, and -he asked that this ruinous trading be stopped, lest ruin ensue. - -The defendant’s lawyer, an able fellow, secured an adjournment for three -weeks. - -On the announcement of this adjournment, the junior partner gave a loud -groan. He leaped to his feet, and rushed out like one demented, shouting -as he went: - -Merciful heavens, then the sacrifice must still go on! - -I don’t need to tell you how much business that firm did in the next -three weeks. - - * * * * * - -Man, born of woman, is of a few days and no teeth. And, indeed, it -would be money in his pocket sometimes if he had less of either. As for -his days, he wasteth one-third of them, and as for his teeth, he has -convulsions when he cuts them, and as the last one comes through, lo, the -dentist is twisting the first one out, and the last end of that man’s jaw -is worse than the first, being full of porcelain and a roof-plate built -to hold blackberry seeds. - -Stone bruises line his pathway to manhood; his father boxes his ears at -home, the big boys cuff him in the play ground, and the teacher whips -him in the school-room. He buyeth Northwestern at 110, when he hath sold -short at 96, and his neighbor unloadeth upon him Iron Mountain at 65⅝, -and it straightway breaketh down to 52¼. He riseth early and sitteth up -late that he may fill his barns and store-houses, and lo! his children’s -lawyers divide the spoil among themselves and say, Ha, ha! He growleth -and is sore distressed because it raineth, and he beateth upon his breast -and sayeth, My crop is lost! because it raineth not. The late rains -blight his wheat and the frost biteth his peaches. If it be so that the -sun shineth, even among the nineties, he sayeth, Woe is me, for I perish, -and if the northwest wind sigheth down in forty-two below he crieth, -would that I were dead! If he wear sackcloth and blue jeans men say he is -a tramp, and if he goeth forth shaven and clad in purple and fine linen -all the people cry, shoot the dude! - -He carrieth insurance for twenty-five years, until he hath paid thrice -over for all his goods, and then he letteth his policy lapse one day, -and that same night fire destroyeth his store. He buildeth him a house -in Jersey, and his first born is devoured by mosquitoes; he pitcheth -his tent in New York, and tramps devour his substance. He moveth to -Kansas, and a cyclone carrieth his house away over into Missouri, while a -prairie fire and ten million acres of grasshoppers fight for his crop. He -settleth himself in Kentucky, and is shot the next day by a gentleman, a -colonel and a statesman, because, sah, he resembles, sah, a man, sah, he -did not like, sah. Verily, there is no rest for the sole of his feet, and -if he had it all to do over again he would not be born at all, for “the -day of death is better than the day of one’s birth.” - - - - -_Juvenile Jests_ - - -Teacher—Who can make a sentence with gruesome in it? - -Ikey—The man stopped shaving and grew some whiskers. - - * * * * * - -Visitor—How’s your brother, Tommy? - -Tommy—He’s in bed; he hurt himself. - -Visitor—How did he do it? - -Tommy—We were playing who could lean furthest out of a window, and he won. - - * * * * * - -A lad sat on the floor playing. Suddenly he set up a howl. - -Henry, what is the matter? asked the mother. - -The cat scratched me. - -Why, the cat is not here. When did she scratch you? - -Yesterday. - -Well, why are you crying now? - -’Cause I forgot it then. - - * * * * * - -This bit of brightness is said to have cropped out in a conversation -between two misses not old enough to go to school. - -What makes a horse act naughty when he sees an auto? - -It is this way—Horses is used to seein’ other horses pull wagons, and -they don’t know what to think of ’em goin’ along without a horse. Guess -if you saw a pair of pants walkin’ down the street without a man in ’em -you’d be scared, too. - - * * * * * - -Little Elsie—Brother Johnny can’t come to school; he has diphtheria. - -Teacher—Indeed! Where did he get it? - -Little Elsie—In the neck. - - * * * * * - -The passionate rhythms of “The Merry Widow” waltz floated through the -office, and the boss looked up from his desk impatiently. - -Frederic, he said, I wish you wouldn’t whistle at your work. - -I ain’t workin’, sir, the office boy replied calmly. I’m only just -whistlin’. - - * * * * * - -After a teacher had recited “The Landing of the Pilgrims,” she requested -each pupil to try to draw from his or her imagination, a picture of -Plymouth Rock. - -Most of them went to work at once, but one little fellow hesitated, and -at length raised his hand. - -Well, Willie, what is it? asked the teacher. - -Please, ma’am, do you want us to draw a hen or a rooster? - - * * * * * - -Here is Jimmie’s essay on pants: Pants are made for men and not for -women. Women are made for men and not for pants. When a man pants for a -woman and a woman pants for a man they are a pair of pants. Such pants -don’t last. Pants are like molasses—they are thinner in hot weather and -thicker in cold. Men are often mistaken in pants; such mistakes are -breaches of promise. There has been much discussion whether pants is -singular or plural. Seems to me when men wear pants it is plural, and -when they don’t wear pants it is singular. Men go on a tear in their -pants and it is all right, but when the pants go on a tear it is all -wrong. If you want to make pants last, make the coat first. - - * * * * * - -Pop, I got in trouble at school today and it’s all your fault. - -How’s that my son? - -Well, you remember when I asked you how much a million dollars was? - -Yes, I remember. - -Well, teacher asked me today, and “helluva lot” isn’t the right answer. - - * * * * * - -The pupils of a certain school were asked to write original compositions -on “kings.” The prize was carried off by the youth who handed in the -following: - -The most powerful king on earth, is Wor-king; the laziest, Shir-king; -one of the worst kings, Smo-king; the wittiest, Jo-king; the quietest, -Thin-king; the thirstiest, Drin-king; the slyest, Win-king; the noisiest, -Tal-king. - - * * * * * - -At a public school the children were training for the annual flag day -celebration. One boy, in order to show good reason why he should take a -prominent part in the ceremonies, said that he had a real gun; another -had a pistol; a small girl had a flag, and so on. - -Finally, one tow-haired lad of six came up to the teacher, and stood -waiting for her to see him. - -Well, what is it? she asked. - -I has a union suit, he said. - - * * * * * - -Now in order to subtract, explained a teacher to the class in -mathematics, things always have to be of the same denomination. For -instance, we couldn’t take three apples from four years, nor six horses -from nine dogs. - -A hand went up in the back of the room. - -Well, Johnny? smiled the unsuspecting teacher. - -Please, ma’am! shouted the boy, can’t you take four quarts of milk from -three cows? - - * * * * * - -Little Elizabeth and her mother were having luncheon together, and the -mother, who always tried to impress facts upon her young daughter, said— - -These little sardines, Elizabeth, are sometimes eaten by the larger fish. - -Elizabeth gazed at the sardines in wonder, and then asked— - -But, mother, how do the large fish get the cans open? - - * * * * * - -A teacher had been telling her class of boys recently that worms had -become so numerous that they destroyed the crops, and it was necessary to -import the sparrow to exterminate them. The sparrows multiplied very fast -and were gradually driving away our native birds. - -Johnny was apparently very inattentive, and the teacher, thinking to -catch him napping, said— - -Johnny, which is worse, to have worms or sparrows? - -Johnny hesitated a moment and then replied: Please, I never had the -sparrows. - - * * * * * - -George, George, mind; your hat will be blown off if you lean so far -out of the window! exclaimed a fond father to his little son, who was -traveling with him in a railway carriage. Quickly snatching the hat from -the head of the refractory youngster, papa hid it behind his back. - -There, now, the hat has gone! he cried, pretending to be angry. And -George immediately set up a howl. After a time the father remarked— - -Come, be quiet; if I whistle your hat will come back again. - -Then he whistled and replaced the hat on the boy’s head. There, it’s back -again, you see. Afterward, while papa was talking to mamma, a small, -shrill voice was heard saying— - -Papa, papa, I’ve thrown my hat out of the window! Whistle again, will -you? - - - - -_Frenzied Finance_ - - -The bank teller in a snippy way said: But I don’t know you, madam! - -The woman was red-headed, and she got red-headed in a minute. She said: -Oh, yes, you do. I don’t need anyone to identify me. I’m the red-headed -hen next door to you whose “imps of boys” are always running across your -garden. When you started to town this morning your wife said: Now, Henry, -if you want a dinner fit to eat this evening, you’ll have to leave me a -little money. I can’t keep this house on Christian Science. - -Here is your money, interrupted the paying teller very faintly. - - * * * * * - -In order that his wife might become better acquainted with business -methods, Mr. Ferguson handed $100 to her, and instructed her to deposit -it in bank in her own name and pay her bills thereafter with checks. - -Several weeks afterward she came to him in a high state of indignation. - -George, she said, the other day those people down at the bank wrote me -a note and told me I had overdrawn my account—whatever that is—and that -I would have to send them $4.75 to balance it. I sent it to them right -away, but it didn’t satisfy them. They’re bothering me about it again. - -You sent the $4.75? - -Yes. Same day. - -Well, that’s—by the way, Laura, how did you send it? - -I sent them a check for it, of course. - - * * * * * - -Some few days ago a Louisville banker was approached by an impecunious -farmer for a loan. Now at times this banker is deaf for commercial -purposes. The farmer was chronically wanting to borrow, and his security -was getting shaky. I’d like to borrow five thousand, pleaded the farmer. -The banker cupped his hand to his ear and said: Speak a little louder and -cut down the amount. - - * * * * * - -Thousands of girls are sent out into the world with what is called -finished educations, who cannot even give a proper receipt for money, -to say nothing of drawing a promissory note, a draft or a bill, or -understanding the significance and importance of business contracts. - -Such a woman presented a check for payment to the paying teller of her -bank. He passed it back to her with the request that she be kind enough -to indorse it. The lady wrote on the back of the check, I have done -business with this bank for many years, and I believe it to be all right. -Mrs. James B. Brown. - -Another society woman in New York presented a check for payment at the -bank, and the teller told her that it was not signed. Oh, do they have to -be signed? she replied. What an awful lot of red tape there is about a -banking business. - -I know of a lady whose husband made a deposit for her in a bank and -gave her a check book so that she could pay her bills without annoying -him. One day she received a notice from the bank that her account was -overdrawn. She went to the bank and told the teller that there must be -some mistake about it, because she still had a lot of checks left in her -book. She knew so little about business that she thought she could keep -drawing any amount until the checks were all gone. - -Among the more recent stories of feminine banking is one of a young lady -who in a fit of abstraction signed a check, Your loving Susie. A still -later anecdote is this, from one of our exchanges: - -A fund was being raised in New York for the benefit of sufferers by a -great disaster, and a certain rich but illiterate woman was approached -upon the subject. - -Oh, I shouldn’t mind sending the money, she said, but I do hate to have -my name in all the papers. - -But that could be easily arranged, said the gentleman who had opened the -subject. - -Why, yes, of course, remarked the woman, I could send an anonymous check. -Why didn’t I think of that before? - - * * * * * - -Four or five ladies bustled into a private office the other day. - -What can I do for you, ladies? asked the banker pleasantly. - -Why, began one of the visitors, we are taking up a subscription and -we knew you wouldn’t like it if we didn’t give you an opportunity to -subscribe. - -The banker bowed graciously and asked: And the object? Of course it is a -worthy one, or you would not be interested in it. - -Yes, sir, replied the spokeswoman, we think it a very worthy object. It -is to build a home for aged and indigent widows. - -Excellent! Excellent! I shall take pleasure in making you out a check. - -Oh, how lovely of you! exclaimed the spokeswoman when she received the -bit of paper and read the amount—one hundred pounds. Oh, we didn’t -expect to get that much from you. We are ever so much obliged. - -So good of him! and similar exclamations were heard as the check was -passed around for the admiration of the party. - -But, said the lady who handled the check last, you haven’t signed it. - -That is because I do not wish my benefactions known to the world, said -the banker modestly. I wish to give the check anonymously. And he bowed -the ladies out with great dignity. - - * * * * * - -In a banking office in New Orleans is an aged bookkeeper who began his -connection with the business the day it was established. As the years -went by, the proprietor, who had started with little, but was extremely -close, amassed an enormous fortune. The bookkeeper piled up but a small -amount of savings. - -At last the twenty-fifth anniversary of the firm and of the bookkeeper’s -services came along. He remembered it, but thought no one else would. To -his surprise, the proprietor spoke of it at once. - -Williams, he said, do you know what day this is? - -Our twenty-fifth anniversary, sir. - -It is indeed, Williams. And now I have thought to commemorate the event, -and I have put in this envelope for you a small gift to express my -appreciation of your faithful service. - -The bookkeeper, his hopes raised high, took the envelope from his -employer and opened it. The token was a photograph of the employer. - -Well? demanded the donor, as the other hesitated. What do you want to say -about it? - -It’s just like you! murmured the bookkeeper. It’s just like you. - - - - -_Disciples of Hippocrates_ - - -Aren’t you pretty young to be a practicing physician? asked the -severe-looking female person sternly. - -Well, you see, I only doctor children, said the young medico, nervously. - - * * * * * - -Doctor, are you sure my husband has pneumonia? I have heard of doctors -treating patients for pneumonia who finally died of typhoid fever. - -Well, madam, I don’t make such blunders. If I treat a patient for -pneumonia, he dies of pneumonia. - - * * * * * - -Patient—Doctor, it hurts me to breathe. In fact, the only trouble now -seems to be with my breath. - -Physician—All right. I’ll give you something that will soon stop that. - - * * * * * - -A young doctor in a country district was called one night by an old -farmer to his first case. The patient was the farmer’s son, who was lying -on the bed in much pain. The young medico threw out his chest and said: -This should cause you no alarm. It is nothing but a corrustified exegesis -antispasmodically emanating from the physical refrigerator, producing a -prolific source of irritability in the pericranial epidermis. - -The farmer looked at him and replied, just what I said, but his mother -thought it was the stomachache. - - * * * * * - -Wife—Now dear, here’s the doctor to see you. - -Merchant Prince—Send him away and fetch the undertaker! You know I never -deal with middlemen. - - * * * * * - -A doctor came up to a patient in an insane asylum, slapped him on the -back and said: Well, old man, you’re all right. You can run along and -write your folks that you’ll be back home in two weeks as good as new. - -The patient went off gayly to write his letter. He had it finished and -sealed, but when he was licking the stamp it slipped through his fingers -to the floor lighted on the back of a cockroach that was passing and -stuck. The patient hadn’t seen the cockroach. What he did see was his -escaped postage stamp zigzagging aimlessly across the floor to the -baseboard, wavering up over the baseboard and following a crooked track -up the wall and across the ceiling. In depressed silence he tore up the -letter that he had just written and dropped the pieces on the floor. - -Two weeks! Hell! he said. I won’t be out of here in three years. - - * * * * * - -He had just hung out his shingle. That morning a stranger entered. The -doctor asked to be excused as he hurried to the phone. - -Taking down the receiver, he said: Yes, this is Dr. Whoosit. Yes, will be -ready for you at two-ten this afternoon. But please be prompt, for I am -very busy. Two hundred dollars? Yes, that was the estimate I gave you. - -Hanging up the receiver, he turned to the stranger and rubbing his hands -asked: Now, sir, what can I do for you? - -Nothing, replied the stranger quietly. I only came in to connect up the -telephone. - - * * * * * - -The following item is taken from a county officer’s health report: -The patient died of blood poison from a broken ankle contracted in an -automobile accident, which was a very strange occurrence, since he was -struck between the lamp post and the radiator. - - * * * * * - -Herr Doctor, my wife and I are possessed! Can’t you cure us? What sort -of a demon is it possesses you? Peasant: The fighting demon; it forces -us to come to blows, and we are both sorry for it afterward. Doctor -(making three times the sign of the cross): Begone, foul demon of -discord, begone! So that was only the preliminary cure, now I will write -a prescription for you. When the fit comes on again, the one who is not -yet begun to scold and fight is to take the medicine bottle and a spoon -and go out of the room, while the other remains inside. After ten minutes -the first one is to come in again, count twenty-seven drops into the -spoon, and give them to the other; then the latter is to take the spoon -and count twenty-seven drops and give them to the first one, after which -you shake hands together. Not a word to be spoken the whole time. Three -months later the peasant came again with his wife: Herr Doctor, we have -come to make you a present of this ham for having cured us so thoroughly! -This is a true story, and occurred in Holstein. - - - - -_Legal Luminaries_ - - -Yours is certainly an unusual case, said the lawyer, and it will be -necessary to consult a number of books. - -So? queried the client. - -Yes, answered the legal light, and we will begin with your pocketbook. - - * * * * * - -He had finished his speech at a dinner party, and on seating himself a -lawyer rose, shoved his hands deep into his trousers pockets, as was his -habit, and laughingly inquired of those present: - -Doesn’t it strike this company as a little unusual that a professional -humorist should be funny! - -When the laughter that greeted this sally had subsided, Mark Twain -drawled out—Doesn’t it strike this company as a little unusual that a -lawyer should have his hands in his own pockets? - - * * * * * - -As a prisoner was brought before the judge for sentence the clerk -happened to be absent. The judge asked the officer in charge of the -prisoner what the offence was with which he was charged. - -Bigotry, your honor. He’s been married to three women. - -Why, officer, that’s not bigotry, said the judge, that’s trigonometry. - - * * * * * - -There was an old man who was charged with illicit distilling and was -brought up before the court. The Judge, who was a witty fellow, asked -the prisoner what was his Christian name. The prisoner replied, Joshua, -and the Judge answered, Are you the man that made the sun shine? and -the prisoner replied, No, sir, your honor; I’m the one that made the -moonshine. - - * * * * * - -A jury recently met to inquire into a case of suicide. After sitting -through the evidence the twelve men retired, and, after deliberating, -returned with the following verdict— - -The jury are all of one mind—temporarily insane! - - * * * * * - -In a lawsuit in Pennsylvania not long ago the question was put to a miner -on the witness stand. - -Were you ever hurt in the mines? - -Indade I was, responded the man, I was half kilt once. - -Now tell the court whether you were injured at any other time, continued -the cross-examiner. - -Yes. I was half kilt in another accident shortly after that. - -Your Honor, smilingly interjected counsel for the other side, I object to -this man’s testimony. - -Upon what ground? asked the judge. - -On the ground that, having been half killed twice, he is a dead man and -therefore incompetent as a witness. - - * * * * * - -In a suit recently tried in a Virginia town a young lawyer of limited -experience was addressing the jury on a point of law, when good-naturedly -he turned to opposing counsel, a man of much more experience than -himself, and asked— - -That’s right, I believe, Colonel Hopkins? - -Whereupon Hopkins, with a smile of conscious superiority, replied— - -Sir, I have an office in Richmond wherein I shall be delighted to -enlighten you on any point of law for a consideration. - -The youthful attorney, not in the least abashed, took from his pocket a -half-dollar piece, which he offered Col. Hopkins with this remark— - -No time like the present. Take this, sir, tell us what you know and give -me the change. - - * * * * * - -Secretary Elihu Root was talking about the humanity of judges. - -They are humane men, he said. I could tell you many moving stories of the -pain that they have suffered in the infliction of severe sentences. It is -not altogether pleasant to be a judge. - -That is why I can not credit a story that was told me the other day about -a judge in the West. A criminal on trial before this man had been found -guilty. He was told to rise, and the judge said to him— - -Have you ever been sentenced to imprisonment before? - -No, your honor, said the criminal, and he burst into tears. - -Well, said the judge, don’t cry, you’re going to be now. - - * * * * * - -This story of the election expenses of a Georgia lawyer who was defeated -for county commissioner in the recent primary, reaches us by way of the -_Newark Ledger_ in a dispatch from Atlanta. His sworn statement runs— - -Lost 1,349 hours’ sleep thinking about the election. Lost two front -teeth and a whole lot of hair in a personal encounter with an opponent. -Donated one beef, four shoats, and five sheep to a county barbecue. Gave -away two pairs of suspenders, four calico dresses, $5 cash, and thirteen -baby rattles. Kissed 126 babies. Kindled fourteen kitchen fires. Put up -four stoves. Walked 4,076 miles. Shook hands with 9,508 persons. Told -10,101 lies, and talked enough to make, in print, 1,000 volumes. Attended -sixteen revival meetings, and was baptized four different times by -immersion, and twice some other way. Contributed $50 to foreign missions, -and made love to nine grass widows. Hugged forty-nine old maids. Got -dog-bit thirty-nine times, and was defeated. - - * * * * * - -Sam Kalleton, a member of the Arkansas Legislature, was very fond of -offering amendments to bills introduced. That was the limit of his -legislative capacity. One morning, after a night’s hilarity, he entered -the legislative hall just as the chaplain was asking divine aid. The old -man took a chew of tobacco, and listened attentively until the chaplain -closed his petition with an effective recitation of the Lord’s Prayer. -Mr. Speaker, said the old man, arising, I move to strike out the words -daily bread, and insert as much bread as may be found necessary for -twenty days. We have already done enough for the flood sufferers. - - * * * * * - -A prominent lawyer of New York says that many years ago he went West, but -as he got no clients, and stood a good chance of starving, he decided -to come East again. Without any money he boarded a train for Nashville, -Tenn., intending to seek employment as reporter on one of the daily -newspapers, says the _New York Telegraph_. When the conductor called for -his ticket, he said— - -I am on the staff of the ⸺ of Nashville. I suppose you will pass me. - -The conductor looked at him sharply. - -The editor of that paper is in the smoker; come with me; if he identifies -you, all right. - -He followed the conductor into the smoker; the situation was explained. -Mr. Editor said— - -Oh, yes, I recognize him as one of the staff; it is all right. - -Before leaving the train the lawyer again sought the editor. - -Why did you say you recognized me? I’m not on your paper. - -I’m not the editor either. I’m traveling on his pass, and was scared to -death lest you should give me away. - - * * * * * - -Judge Ben. B. Lindsey, the noted reformer of Denver, was lunching one -day—it was very warm—when a politician paused beside his table. - -Judge, said the politician, I see you’re drinkin’ hot cawfee. That’s a -heatin’ drink. - -Yes? said Judge Lindsey. - -Oh, yes. In this weather you want iced drinks, judge—sharp, iced drinks. -Did you ever try gin and ginger ale? - -No, said the judge, smiling, but I’ve tried several fellows who have. - - * * * * * - -Harry Bulger has recently added to his repertoire of stories a new -character vignette which has been received with laughter in the South. -As Mr. Bulger will be the guest of the Forty Club in Chicago during the -“Woodland” engagement in that city, he is reserving this story for the -post-prandial gossip. - -It relates largely to a lawyer and a Jewish client during a civil action. -The attorney, watching the evidence and the countenance of the Judge, -whose reputation for severity was well known in the district, whispered -to his Hebrew client. - -It looks very bad. We are going to lose the case. Whereupon the client -responded. - -Vell, I will send the Judge a box of cigars. - -Great heavens, no! That would end it. - -The following day much to the surprise of the plaintiff’s attorney, the -decision was rendered for his client. Meeting his Jewish friend later the -lawyer exclaimed— - -By Jove, I cannot understand this decision. Beats anything I ever heard. -Tell me, did you send the Judge a box of cigars? - -Certainly. Of course I did. - -What? - -Yes, but I sent it with the card of the other fellow in it. - - - - -_Clerical Comicalities_ - - -The blessed man that preached for us last Sunday, said Mr. Partington, -served the Lord for thirty years—first as a circus rider, and then as a -locust-preacher, and last as an exhauster. - - * * * * * - -Patience—Is your preacher sensational? - -Patrice—I should say so! Why, he preached a sermon last Sunday and he -took for his subject, It’s hard to keep a good man down. Well? Oh, it was -all about Jonah and the whale. - - * * * * * - -A series of revival services were being held recently in a Missouri city, -and placards giving notice of the services were posted in conspicuous -places. One day the following notice was posted: - -Hell, Its Location and Absolute Certainty. Thomas Jones, barytone -soloist, will sing, Tell Mother I’ll Be There. - - * * * * * - -There was once a clergyman’s son, who was educated for the ministry. -He finished his theological course at Oxford and returned home with -the Oxford accent. On the following Sunday he was invited to fill his -father’s pulpit for the morning service. The young preacher announced -his text as follows: And they wequiahed of him Bawabbas. Now Bawabbas -was a wobbah. At the evening service the old man resumed his pulpit and -preached an eloquent sermon from the text, O Lord, have mercy upon us, -for this my son is lunatic and we are sore distressed. - - * * * * * - -When was the automobile first mentioned in the Bible? - -When Elijah crossed the river Jordan by a Ford and went up on high. - - * * * * * - -Clergyman—examining a Sunday School, Now, can any of you tell me what are -the sins of omission? - -Small Scholar—Yes, sir, they’re the sins you ought to have committed, and -haven’t. - - * * * * * - -Rev. Goodman—Mr. Slick, our Sunday-school superintendent is a tried and -trusted employe of yours, is he not? - -Banker—He was trusted, and he’ll be tried if we’re only fortunate enough -to catch him. - - * * * * * - -It is reported that Pope Gregory XVI offered his snuff-box to a Cardinal, -who declined it, saying: No, your holiness, I have not that vice. To -which the Pope replied in thoroughly human way, if it had been a vice you -would have had it. - - * * * * * - -Mama, said little Elsie, do men ever go to heaven? - -Why of course, my dear. What makes you ask? - -Because I never see any pictures of angels with whiskers. - -Well, said the mother, thoughtfully, some men do go to heaven, but they -get there by a close shave. - - * * * * * - -The Bishop, addressing the little folks at the children’s service, -became impressive. Only think, children, he said, in Africa, there are -10,000,000 square miles of territory without a single Sunday school where -little girls and boys can spend their Sunday afternoons. Now, what should -we all try to save up our money for? - -The children (unanimously)—To go to Africa. - - * * * * * - -At a sewing circle all the women were talking, and some of the subjects -got hopelessly confused. For instance, the subject of crickets and church -choirs. I never heard such a horrid noise as they made last Sunday, said -one woman, referring to the choir. Nor I, said another, thinking she -referred to the fall crickets. They say they make that noise with their -hind legs. - - * * * * * - -An evangelist who was conducting nightly services announced that on the -following evening he would speak on the subject of Liars. He advised his -hearers to read in advance the seventeenth chapter of Mark. - -The next night he arose and said: I am going to preach on Liars tonight, -and I would like to know how many read the chapter I suggested. A hundred -hands were upraised. - -Now, he said, you are the very persons I want to talk to—there isn’t any -seventeenth chapter of Mark. - - * * * * * - -A Baltimore man tells us of attending a church on one occasion when the -minister delivered a sermon of but ten minutes’ duration—a most unusual -thing for him. - -Upon the conclusion of his remarks the minister had added: I regret to -inform you, brethren that my dog, who appears to be particularly fond -of paper, this morning ate that portion of my sermon that I have not -delivered. - -After the service, the clergyman was met at the door by a man who, as a -rule, attended divine service in another parish. Shaking the good man by -the hand, he said: - -Doctor, I should like to know whether that dog of yours has pups. If so, -I want to get one to give to my minister. - - * * * * * - -A clergyman preached a rather long sermon from the text, Thou art -weighed in the balance and found wanting. After the congregation had -listened about an hour, some began to get weary and went out; others -soon followed, greatly to the annoyance of the minister. Another person -started, whereupon the preacher stopped his sermon and said: That is -right gentlemen; as fast as you are weighed, pass out! He continued his -sermon some time after that, but no one disturbed him by leaving. - - * * * * * - -Not a few preachers would be glad to be the victims of such a practical -joke as was recently played upon the Rev. Mr. Hageman, of Oxford, Mich. -At the annual meeting of the church of which he is pastor the question of -hiring a preacher comes up for discussion. - -At the last meeting of this society, when the subject was brought up, -a good deacon arose and said: All those in favor of retaining Brother -Hageman for another year—at the same salary—will please rise. - -Not a person rose, and the minister, who was present, felt as -uncomfortable as possible, and heartily wished himself anywhere else. -Then the good deacon who had put the question arose again and said, with -a twinkle of the eye: - -I see not one favors that motion, so I will put it again in this way: -All those in favor of keeping the Rev. Mr. Hageman—at an increased -salary—will please rise. - -Everyone got upon his feet. Then it dawned upon Mr. Hageman that he -had been the victim of a joke, and a smile lighted his eye, and the -color returned to his cheeks. Some of his best friends had planned the -surprise, and the little scheme had worked to perfection. - - * * * * * - -The deacons and other officers of a church had met to discuss the best -method of getting rid of a pastor who had worn out his usefulness. After -various methods had been suggested without any of them seeming feasible, -one brother, who was a good deal of a wag, said: - -I tell you what to do. Let’s pay him all his salary in arrears and raise -him to a thousand a year and he will drop dead. - - * * * * * - -A certain Duluth clergyman was a rather prosy speaker, but occasionally -he proved that he had ready wit. One evening he was addressing his -congregation on the beauty of leading an upright life, when he suddenly -paused and beckoned to the sexton. Brown, said he, in a clear, distinct -tone of voice, open a couple of windows on each side of the church, -please. Beg your pardon, sir! exclaimed the sexton, with a look of great -surprise. Did I understand you to say, open the windows? It is a very -bitter cold night, sir. Yes, I am well aware of that, Brown, was the -cold, hard reply of the clergyman, as he gazed around the church, but it -is not healthy to sleep with the windows shut! We refrain from going any -deeper into personalities. - - * * * * * - -The late Bishop Beckwith, of Georgia, was fond of his gun, and spent -much of his time hunting, says Representative Adamson. One day the -Bishop was out with his dog and gun, and met a member of his parish, -whom he reproved for his inattention to his religious duties. You should -attend church and read your Bible, said Bishop. I do read my Bible, -Bishop, was the answer, and I don’t find any mention of the Apostles -going a-shooting. No, replied the Bishop, the shooting was very bad in -Palestine, so they went fishing instead. - - * * * * * - -A preacher who went to a Kentucky parish where the parishioners bred -horses was asked to invite the prayers of the congregation for Lucy Grey. -He did so. They prayed three Sundays for Lucy Grey. On the fourth he was -told he need not do it any more. - -Why, said the preacher, is she dead? - -No, answered the man, she won the Derby. - - * * * * * - -The Rev. Mr. Spicer had for three days enjoyed the telephone, which had -been his last gift from an admiring parishioner. He had been using it -immediately before going to church. - -When the time came for him to announce the hymn he rose and with his -usual impressive manner read the words. Then in a crisp, firm tone he -said, Let us all unite in hymn six double o; sing three. - - * * * * * - -That Henry Ward Beecher was spared much embarrassment by his quickness at -repartee is illustrated by the following story: - -One evening as he was in the midst of an impassioned speech some one -attempted to interrupt him by suddenly crowing like a rooster. It was -done to perfection; a number of people laughed in spite of themselves, -and the speaker’s friends felt that in a moment the whole effect of -the meeting, and of Mr. Beecher’s thrilling appeals might be lost. The -orator, however, was equal to the occasion. He stopped, listened till the -crowing ceased, and then, with a look of surprise, pulled out his watch. - -Morning already, he said; my watch is only at 10. But there can be no -mistake about it. The instincts of the lower animals are infallible. - -There was a roar of laughter. The lower animal in the gallery collapsed, -and Mr. Beecher was able to resume as if nothing had occurred. - - * * * * * - -The maid had been using surreptitiously the bathtub of her employer, an -elderly bishop. He was a bachelor, very fastidious about his toilet, and -desired the exclusive use of his tub. - -He reprimanded the maid with much indignation: - -What distresses me most, Mary, is that you have done this behind my back. - - * * * * * - -A certain minister in a certain flock took permanent leave of his -congregation in the following manner: - -Brothers and Sisters: I come to say good-bye. I don’t think God loves -this church, because none of you ever die. I don’t think you love each -other, because I never marry any of you. I don’t think you love me, -because you have not paid my salary. Your donations are moldy fruit -and wormy apples, and by their fruits ye shall know them. Brothers, -I am going to a better place. I have been called to be chaplain of a -penitentiary. Where I go ye cannot come, but I go to prepare a place for -you, and may the Lord have mercy on your souls. Good-bye. - - * * * * * - -Sister Henderson, said Deacon Hypers, you should avoid even appearance of -evil. - -Why Deacon, what do you mean? asked Sister Henderson. - -I observe that on your sideboard you have several cut-glass decanters, -and that each of them is half filled with what appears to be ardent -spirits. - -Well, now, Deacon, it isn’t anything of the kind. The bottles look so -pretty on the sideboard that I just filled them half way with some floor -stain and furniture polish, just for appearances. - -That’s why I am cautioning you, sister, replied the Deacon. Feeling a -trifle weak and faint, I helped myself to a dose from the big bottle in -the middle. - - * * * * * - -An archdeacon engaged as new footman a well-recommended youth who served -as stable boy. The first duty which the youth was called upon to perform -was to accompany the archdeacon on a series of formal calls. - -Bring the cards, Thomas, and leave one at each house, ordered his master. -After two hours of visiting from house to house the archdeacon’s list was -exhausted. This is the last house, Thomas, he said; leave two cards here. - -Beggin’ yor pardon, sir, was the deferential reply, I can’t; I’ve only -the ace of spades left. - - * * * * * - -Senator Gore, of Oklahoma, is given credit for this story, told on his -recent visit to a Methodist convention at St. Joseph. It is related by -the Rev. Mr. Williams, pastor of the Baptist Church of Pleasant Hill, who -happened to hear it. - -According to Senator Gore, there was an accomplished hen with a brood -of chickens—five roosters and five pullets. The chicks matured and went -their various ways, while the mother hen busied herself with a new -brood. In course of time Methodist ministers came into the vicinity of -Chickenville to hold a conference, and, as might be suspected, the five -young roosters, fat, yellow-legged and extremely tender, were feasted -upon by various and sundry preachers. The young pullets, left behind, -were met by the mother hen a few days later. My children, she asked, -where are your brothers? - -They have entered the ministry. - -Bracing herself from the shock of disclosure, a look of resignation -spread over Biddy’s countenance as she replied: - -Well, my dears, perhaps it is all for the best. They would not have made -very good lay members, anyway. - - * * * * * - -A Philadelphia clergyman, visiting an old schoolmate in Montana, was -called upon to speak during revival services in a large camp of Swedish -miners. - -Looking straight at a powerful looking man who sat in front of him, the -minister asked: - -My friend, don’t you want to work for the Lord? - -The Swede thought a few seconds and replied slowly: - -No, I tank no, de Norden Pacific fallers is good enough for me. - - * * * * * - -A short time ago a somewhat laughable incident took place in a northern -church. The minister, after proclaiming the banns of matrimony between -a young couple, concluded by saying, If there be any objections, they -can now be stated. A fashionable youth, an old admirer of the intended -bride, noticing the eyes of a portion of the congregation fixed upon -him, rose up and exclaimed, I have no objection for my own part, to the -astonishment of all about him, and resumed his seat, as if he had done a -mere formal piece of business. - - * * * * * - -Each Sunday the parson rode three miles to church. On this particular -Sunday it was raining very hard. He rode the distance on horseback and, -when he reached the church, was soaking wet. - -Several of the good old sisters who were there early placed a chair -before the fire for him and hung his wet coat up to dry. - -I am so afraid I won’t be dry enough to preach, he said. - -Oh, said one of the sisters, when you get in the pulpit and start -preaching, you will be dry enough. - - * * * * * - -Whenever a Sunday school teacher comes to Louisville invariably a good -story is in order. Last night one of them was at a local hotel, and he -brought along his story. Morrison R. Kendrick is his name, and Chicago is -his town. The story is told by Mr. Kendrick as follows: - -Sunday School Superintendent—Who led the children of Israel into Canaan? -Will one of the smaller boys answer? - -No reply. - -Superintendent (sternly)—Can no one tell? You little fellow on that seat -next to the aisle, who led the children of Israel into Canaan? - -Little Boy (badly frightened)—It wasn’t me. I—I just moved here last week -from Missouri. - - * * * * * - -An amusing incident occurred at the close of Sam Jones’ sermon at -Pulaski. Stepping down from the pulpit, folding his hands across his -breast, and looking solemnly over the audience, the great revivalist said— - -I want all the women in this crowd who have not spoken a harsh word or -harbored an unkind thought toward their husbands for a month past to -stand up. - -One old woman, apparently on the shady side of sixty, stood up. - -Come forward and give me your hand, said the preacher. - -The woman did so, whereupon Jones said— - -Now turn around and let this audience see the best-looking woman in the -country. - -After taking her seat, the revivalist addressed the men— - -Now I want all the men in this crowd who have not spoken a harsh word or -harbored an unkind thought toward their wives for a month past to stand -up. - -Twenty-seven great big strapping fellows hopped out of the audience with -all the alacrity of champagne corks. - -Come forward and give me your hands, my dear boys. - -Jones gave each one a vigorous shake, after which he ranged all of -them side by side in front of the pulpit and facing the audience. He -looked them over carefully and solemnly, and then, turning around to the -audience, he said— - -I want you all to take a good look at the twenty-seven biggest liars in -the State of Tennessee. - - - - -_Khaki Klad_ - - -Captain (examining uniforms which are expected to be marked with the -owner’s name)—What does this mean, my man? Your name seems to be -obliterated. - -Private (in the rear rank)—No, sir, it’s O’Brien. - - * * * * * - -A young officer at the front wrote home to his father— - -Dear Father—Kindly send me fifty pounds at once. Lost another leg in a -stiff engagement, and am in hospital without means. - -The answer was as follows— - -My Dear Son—As this is the fourth leg you have lost (according to your -letters), you ought to be accustomed to it by this time. Try and hobble -along on any others you may have left. - - * * * * * - -She had been hoping against hope that Bill would get leave of absence -so they could spend their wedding anniversary together. But, alas! he -was unsuccessful in his application. Knowing how disappointed his wife -would be he sent an order to a local store for a treadle sewing machine, -knowing that would be her choice of a present. - -The crate arrived before Bill’s letter of explanation, and on examining -it the good lady gave a loud scream, and seizing a hatchet, proceeded to -open it. - -Why, what’s the matter, Mrs. Smith? cried a neighbor, who happened to be -present. - -Pale and faint, Mrs. Smith pointed to an inscription on the crate. It -read— - -Bill inside! - - * * * * * - -Rear Admiral Osterhaus, at a luncheon in New York, said of a naval -disappointment. - -It was as disappointing as absent-minded Ibsen’s Christmas dinner. - -Ibsen, you know, ran absent-mindedly one Christmas night into the -restaurant of a railway station and asked— - -Look here, waiter, did you say I had twenty minutes to wait or that it -was twenty minutes to eight? - -The Tipperary waiter stopped carving a turkey long enough to reply— - -I said nayther. I said ye had twenty minutes to ate, but that was -nineteen minutes ago. There’s yer train whistlin’ fur ye now. - - * * * * * - -Isaac had been drafted and sent to France. Jacob, his partner, -distracted, had begged Isaac to cable when he got over. Three weeks -elapse. No cable. - -Jacob cables Isaac—Isaac! Woe is us! Our factory burned down ten days -ago. Why don’t you cable or write? - -Three weeks more. No reply. - -Jacob cables again—Isaac! Woe is us! Our storage warehouse burned down -last week. Total loss. Settled for $75,000. I am nearly crazy from grief. -Why don’t you cable? Are you dead? - -Three weeks more. No reply. - -Jacob cables again—Isaac! Woe is us! Our main office burned last week. -Settled insurance for $90,000. I will die if you don’t cable. Haven’t -heard from you at all. Where are you? Are you alive? - -Answer comes next day—Jacob, stop that nonsense, spending all our money -for cables! I’m all right. You just keep the home fires burning! - - * * * * * - -The French soldier found as much cause to complain about English as she -is spoken as our lads did with the lingo over there. One of the tri-color -veterans chirped up one day by letting out—Ze English spoken, pas bon. -Here ze sentence—What color is ze blackberry when it is green? and I find -out he is red! - - * * * * * - -General W. W. Blackmar was talking to a group of soldiers in Boston when -a fakir came up and held out for inspection a rusty old sword. - -Look at it, gents, he said, examine it close. It is the sword what Lee -surrendered to Grant. You can have it for $5. - -Go along with you, said one of the soldiers sternly. Go along with you. -You can’t fool us. - -The fakir hurried away, and General Blackmar said— - -That was, indeed, an impudent fraud, wasn’t it? It reminds me of the -frauds that were practiced in the old relic shows that used to be a -feature of country fairs. - -At a country fair in my youth there was a show devoted almost to biblical -relics. I wish you could have seen the faded cloth, the rusty nails, and -the brass jewels that did duty severally for a piece of Solomon’s robe, -an earring of the Queen of Sheba, Absalom’s hairpin, David’s sling, and -so on. In the place of honor hung a sword, and the showman said— - -This is the sword that Balaam was going to kill his ass with. - -But, I interposed, I thought that Balaam had no sword. I thought he only -wished for one. - -You’re right, said the showman, this is the sword he wished for. - - * * * * * - -What is a man-of-war? said a teacher to his class. - -A cruiser, was the prompt reply. - -What makes it go? - -Its screw, sir. - -Who goes with it? - -Its crew, sir. - - * * * * * - -Is de major got his pension yit? - -Oh, yes! - -Used him up purty bad, didn’t dey? - -Wuss you ever see! Los’ one arm whilst he waz a-tryin’ ter surrender en -broke two legs a runnin’! - - * * * * * - -When I was a little child, the sergeant sweetly addressed his men at -the end of an hour’s exhaustive drill, I had a set of wooden soldiers. -There was a poor little boy in the neighborhood and after I had been to -Sunday school one day and listened to a stirring talk on the beauties of -charity I was softened enough to give them to him. Then I wanted them -back and cried, but mother said, Don’t cry, Bertie, some day you will get -your wooden soldiers back, and believe me, you lob-sided, mutton-headed, -goofus-brained set of certified rolling pins, that day has come. - - * * * * * - -A firm in Liverpool, delighted that one of its employes was called upon -to join the reserves, volunteered to pay half his wages to his wife in -his absence. At the end of the month the woman appeared, and the moiety -was given her. What? she said; four pound? Yes, replied the senior -partner, that is exactly half, sorry you are not satisfied. It isn’t that -I’m not satisfied. Why, for years he has told me he only got 16 shillings -altogether, and—and—if the Boers don’t kill him, I will. - - * * * * * - -A recruiting sergeant stationed in the south of Ireland met Pat and asked -him to join the army. The latter refused, whereupon the sergeant asked -his reason for refusing. - -Aren’t the King and the Kaiser cousins? asked Pat. - -Yes, said the recruiting sergeant. - -Well, said Pat, begorra I once interfered in a family squabble, and I’m -not going to do so again. - - * * * * * - -Two British soldiers went into a restaurant at Saloniki and asked for -Turkey with Greece. The waiter said— - -I’m sorry, gentlemen, but I can’t Servia, whereupon the Tommies -cried—Fetch the Bosphorus! - -When that gentleman arrived and heard the complaint, the manager said— - -Well, gentlemen, I don’t want to Russia, but you can not Rumania. - -And so the poor Tommies had to go away Hungary. - - * * * * * - -The Baron Speck von Sternberg, the newly appointed charge d’affaires from -Berlin, was at a dinner where, in a purely humorous spirit the courage of -the various nations of the world was being impugned. The German’s courage -was pretty severely attacked by an Englishman. Baron von Sternberg took -revenge on him with this brief story— - -An Englishman and a German were to fight a duel. They were locked in a -pitch dark room together with cocked pistols. All was still, and neither -could tell where the other was. Finally the German, not wishing to have -murder on his soul, tiptoed to the chimney and fired up it. There was a -shriek, and the Englishman, badly wounded, came tumbling down. - - * * * * * - -Two officers once appeared before Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden to ask his -permission to fight a duel, as one had grievously insulted the other. -Certainly, my friends, said the king. I will be present myself at the -encounter. On the day appointed Gustavus Adolphus appeared on the scene, -accompanied by a sinister looking person, who proved to be the public -executioner. Pointing to the two combatants, the king said— - -You see those two men? Immediately after their duel you will behead the -survivor. - -The two officers shook hands on the spot. - - * * * * * - -Corporal James Tanner lost both his legs at the second battle of Bull -Run. Later, when in a hospital, he and other wounded soldiers were -visited by charitably inclined women. - -One day an elderly female carrying a neat basket sat down beside Tanner -and talked religion to him while he thought of the delicacies in the -basket. At length she lifted the lid and took therefrom a tract on the -evils of dancing, which she handed to the patient. Tanner looked it over -and then said earnestly— - -I give you my word of honor, madam, that I’ll never dance again as long -as I live. The elderly lady departed with great satisfaction, fully -believing she had made a convert. - - - - -_Emeralds_ - - -Hospital Physician—Which ward do you wish to be taken to? A pay ward or a— - -Maloney—Iny of thim, Doc, thot’s safely Dimocratic. - - * * * * * - -He had reached heaven in good time. Hello, St. Peter, said he. ’Tis a -foine job you have. - -Right, sir. ’Tis a great place here. We count a million years as a minute -and a million dollars as a cent. - -Is that so, said he, wonderingly. Well, it’s money I need. Will you lend -me a cent, St. Peter? - -Sure, replied St. Peter, in a minute. - - * * * * * - - Brannigan, Flannigan, Milligan, Gilligan, - Duffy, McGuffy, Mullarky, Mahone, - Rafferty, Lafferty, Connelly, Donnelly, - Dooley, O’Hooley, Muldowny, Malone; - Maddigan, Caddigan, Hallahan, Callahan, - Fagan, O’Hagan, O’Houlihan, Flynn, - Shanagan, Lanagan, Fogarty, Hogarty, - Kelly, O’Skelly, McGinnis, McGinn. - - * * * * * - -Pat came to the wake. He walked up to the bier and looking at the remains -of his buddie, Mike, he burst out laughing. He was prompt-hustled out of -the room by many strong hands and when he got his breath he explained: -Well, you see, the last time I talked with Mike he argied with me that -there wasn’t no heaven and there wasn’t no hell, and I couldn’t kape from -laffin’ when I see him lyin’ there all dressed up and no where to go. - - * * * * * - -Two Irishmen were on a ship coming over to America. One night Mike awoke -Pat and said, Pat, get up quick, the ship is sinking. Pat said, what do -we care? It’s not ours. - - * * * * * - -The little Irishman was being examined for admission to the army. He -seemed all right in every way except one. The doctor said, you’re a -little stiff. Quickly the Irish blood mounted as the applicant replied, -You’re a big stiff! - - * * * * * - -R. Hinton Perry, the sculptor, is responsible for the following story of -the scrublady who cares for his studio. - -How many children have you Mrs. O’Flarity? he asked of her one morning. - -It’s siven I have, sir, she replied. Four be the third wife of my second -husband, three be the second wife of me furst. - - * * * * * - -Two young men met an Irishman. Said one: Well, Pat, what’s the news? - -Divil a bit, yer honors; ’tis very dull in these parts. Have yez any news? - -Yes, Pat; some very important news. - -Is that so, yer honors? Phat is it? - -We heard awhile ago for a fact that the devil was dead. - -Is that so? Och, worra, worra! What a pity, said he, taking out some -money and giving to each a quarter. - -Oh, Pat, take back your money; we don’t charge you anything. - -Och, I know yez don’t; but ’twas a custom in the old country to give the -orphans something when their father died. - - * * * * * - -An Irishman who was signing articles on board a ship began to write -his name with his right hand, then, changing the pen to his left hand, -finished it. - -So you can write with either hand, Pat? asked the officer. - -Yis, sor, replied Pat. Whin I was a boy me father (rist his soul) always -said to me Pat, learn to cut yer finger nails wid your left hand, for -some day ye might lose your right. - - * * * * * - -A good old Irish pastor was thanking his congregation for the many Easter -offerings, and his tremulous voice told how great was his pleasure. - -I want to thank the congregation, he said, for the many beautiful gifts -from my people this glorious Easter Sunday. The plate donations were -far in excess of my expectations, the candles were many and freely -contributed, and the flowers were simply beautiful; but I want to say -right here and now that the thing that touched my heart the most was whin -little Mar-r-y Killy walked oop the aisle an’ laid an egg on the altar. - - * * * * * - -Two Irishmen, long enemies, met one day. Said one: What’s the sinse of -two intilligint min goin’ along year after year like a couple of wildcats -spittin’ at each other? Here we live in the same tinimint, and ’tis a -burnin’ shame that we do be actin’ like a couple of boobies. Come along -wid yer and shake hands, and we’ll make up and be friends. Which they -did, and went to an adjacent public house to cement their friendship with -a glass of grog. Both stood at the bar in silence. One looked at the -other and said: - -What are you thinkin’ about? - -Oi’m thinkin’ the same thing that you are. - -Oh, so ye’re startin’ agin, are ye? - - * * * * * - -The frequent and unsuccessful candidacy of certain men in this town for -public office reminded George (Scotty) Dore of a story of his friend -Hogan. - -Hogan was raffling a clock, said Mr. Dore. He was fairly successful in -disposing of tickets in the shop where he worked, but he ran up against -trouble when he canvassed his neighbors. - -Dropping in at a neighbor’s house, he tried to sell a ticket on the clock. - -It’s a fine timepiece, and it’ll luk foine on yer what-not er mantel, -says Hogan, cajolingly. - -Gwan, the old clock doesn’t run! replied the neighbor. - -Well, drawled Hogan, changing front completely, well perhaps yez won’t -win it, and then ye’ll have the laugh on the fellow who does. - - * * * * * - -Street cleaning commissioner Paul Inglehart, of Baltimore, returned -recently from a gunning trip in Anne Arundel county and brought with him -a supply of new stories told in the historic old South River Club. - -The one that particularly took Mr. Inglehart’s fancy was that of the -Irish servant girl who one day asked her mistress what was the meaning of -the word “kismet”. After thinking a little while the mistress said: - -Why, Bridget, it is another name for fate. - -A day or so afterward the mistress discovered Bridget hobbling down the -stairs evidently in great pain and walking very lame. - -Why, what on earth is the matter with you? she asked. - -Oh, sure, ma’am, was the reply, I’ve got bunions on my kismet. - - * * * * * - -How is this? the detective inquired, with a jerk of his thumb toward the -interior of the car. - -How’s what? inquired the Irishman. - -Nine passengers got on and you only rung up eight fares. - -Is that so, responded the conductor, with a look of innocent surprise. He -cautiously counted the fares on the large dial. The spotter was waiting. -Begorra, yer right. Wan of thim has got to git off. - - * * * * * - -Thomas Patrick Gallagher, typical Irish traffic copper, was stationed on -Madison street in Chicago at the point intersected by the river. - -One bustling Saturday afternoon, Gallagher held up his hand to halt -traffic for the draw bridge. In front of him was a new handsome limousine -motor car. - -While waiting for the bridge to close, a runabout flivver crashed into -the rear end of the handsome car. - -Gallagher was on the job promptly and hustled over to the driver of the -flivver. - -Phwat in hal does yez mane by smashing into this handsome car? Haven’t -you got any eyes? he bellowed at the meek and humble driver. Are you -crazy? I’ve a good mind to take you down to the headquarters, you -blithering idiot. What’s your name? continued Gallagher, as he extracted -a pencil and notebook from his pocket, what is the number of your car? - -The answer back in typical Gaelic, me name is Clancy. - -Clancy, replied Gallagher. Clancy, what part of Ireland are you from, -what county— - -I am from County Mayo. - -County Mayo, continued the traffic officer, County Mayo, say Clancy, stay -here just a minute till I go head to that big car and see why in the -devil he backed into you. - - * * * * * - -The following anecdote is illustrative of eviction days in Ireland. -Pat had served part of his time as a bricklayer in the old country. On -arrival in America, he was watching some bricklayers at work when the -foreman observed him: - -Can they do it as quick as that in Ireland, Pat? - -They can indeed, and twice as quick, answered Pat. - -Do you know, said the foreman, that we start a house here in the morning -and it’s finished and a tenant in it before evening. - -That’s all you can do, is it? Well, said Pat, in Ireland we start a house -in the morning and the landlord is evicting the tenant for back rent -before evening. - - * * * * * - -Strange as it may seem, there is a public man in this city who is blessed -or cursed with a tender conscience that worries him in small matters as -well as in great. Among the things that he cannot justify to himself -is the bidding a servant to say he is not at home when, in reality, he -is inside his house. At the same time he is not able to receive the -many visitors who call upon him, and his only recourse was to give -instructions that polite excuses should be given to a maid, an Irish -girl, gifted with the readiness and good-will of her nation. - -Then I’m to be saying, sir, that you’re not at home? the maid inquired. - -No, Mary, no! was the reply; that would not be true. If anyone should ask -for me, you must just put him off—give him some evasive answer, you know. - -I’ll do it, sir, never fear, was the maid’s reply. Mary was as good as -her word. - -That afternoon a person of importance made his appearance, and was duly -sent away. The faithful maid reported the circumstance to her employer. - -What did you do, Mary? inquired the latter with some trepidation. - -Oh, I just put him off, sir, as you told me. I gave him an evasive answer. - -Yes, but what did you say to him? - -Oh, sure, he axed me if the boss was at home, and I said to him, was his -grandmother a monkey? - - * * * * * - -There were some deficiencies in the early education of Mrs. Donahoe, but -she never mentioned them or admitted their existence. - -Will you sign your name here? said the young lawyer whom Mrs. Donahoe had -asked to draw up a deed transferring a parcel of land to her daughter. - -You sign it yoursilf an I’ll make me mark, said the old woman, quickly. -Since me eyes gave out I’m not able to write a wurrd, young man. - -How do you spell it? he asked, pen poised above the proper space. - -Spell it what iver way you plaze, said Mrs. Donahoe, recklessly. Since I -lost me teeth there’s not a wurrd in the wurrld I can spell. - - * * * * * - -A story is going the rounds in the court house of an Irishman who -recently went before Judge Stephens to be naturalized. - -Have you read the Declaration of Independence? the Court asked. - -I hov not, said Pat. - -Have you read the Constitution of the United States? - -I hov not, your honer. - -Judge Stephens looked sternly at the applicant and asked: - -Well, what have you read? - -Patrick hesitated but the fraction of a second before replying: - -I hov red hairs on me neck, yer honor. - - - - -_Shadowgraphs_ - - -I notice she bowed to you. Is she an old acquaintance? - -Y-yes; we’re slightly acquainted. In fact, she’s a sort of distant -relation. She was the first wife of my second wife’s first husband. - - * * * * * - -Do you want the court to understand, he said, that you refuse to renew -your dog license? - -Yessah, but— - -We want no buts. You must renew the license or be fined. You know that it -expired January 1, don’t you? - -Yessah; so did de dog, sah. - - * * * * * - -That’s a nice-looking dog, remarked the kindly old gentleman, who takes -an interest in everything. - -Yes, suh. He looks all right, replied the colored man who was leading him -with a piece of rope. - -He looks like a pointer. - -Yes, suh. Dat’s what he look like. But dat ain’ what he is. He’s a -disappointer. - - * * * * * - -A colored parson, calling upon one of his flock, found the object of his -visit out in the back yard working among his hen-coops. He noticed with -surprise that there were no chickens. - -Why, Brudder Brown, he asked, whar’re all yo’ chickens? - -Huh, grunted Brother Brown, without looking up, some fool nigger lef de -do’ open and dey all went home. - - * * * * * - -Rev. Mr. Heavyweight (who has just read Peter’s denial of Christ)—What -are you so thoughtful about, Uncle ’Rastus? - -Uncle ’Rastus—I was thinking’, massa parsin, dat if de Apostle Peter had -only been a cullud gemman, dat rooster wouldn’t have crowed more’n once. - - * * * * * - -I want to be procrastinated at de nex’ corner, said Mr. Erastus Pinkly. - -You want to be what? demanded the conductor. - -Don’t lose your temper. I had to look in de dictionary myself befo’ I -found out dat procrastinate means put off. - - * * * * * - -A southern planter was asking one of his colored servants about her -wedding. Yes, suh, she said, it was jes the finest weddin’ you ever -see—six bridesmaids, flowers everywhere, hundreds ev guests, music, an’ -er heap er praying. - -Indeed, commented her master. And I suppose Sambo looked as handsome as -any of them? - -An embarrassed pause. Well no—not exactly, suh. Would you believe it, dat -fool nigger neber showed up. - - * * * * * - -Aunt Mary Wells is one of the few befo-de-wah darkies left in a little -Kentucky town. Recently she was discussing with her employer the -merry-go-round that was running up on the corner. - -Nawsuh, Mr. Malcolm, she said, nawsuh, I don’ ride on none o’ dem things. -Why, Mr. Malcolm, I’ve seen some o’ these here fool niggers git on that -thing and ride as much as a dollar’s worth, and git off at the very same -place they gits on at; an’ I sez to em, Now you spent yo’ money, nigger, -whah yo’ been? - - * * * * * - -Mandy was a good-looking young colored girl and had many admirers. Her -mistress often lectured her on behaving with propriety. One evening the -mistress, going into the kitchen, was surprised to find a strange darky -with his arm around Mandy’s waist. - -Why, Mandy, said the mistress indignantly, tell that man to take his arm -from around your waist. - -Tell him yo’self, said Mandy haughtily. He’s a puffect stranger to me. - - * * * * * - -A negro was discovered carrying a large armful of books, which brought -forth the inquiry— - -Going to school? - -Yes, sah, boss. - -Do you study all those books? - -No, sah; dey’s mu brudder’s. I’se ignorant kinder nigger side him, boss. -Yer jest oughter see dat nigger figgerin’. He done gone ciphered clean -through addition, partition, subtraction, distraction, abomination, -creation, justification, amputation and adoption. - - * * * * * - -Uncle Ephraim had put on a clean collar and his best coat, says the -Chicago Tribune, and was walking majestically up and down the street. - -Aren’t you working to-day, uncle? asked one of his acquaintances. - -No, suh. I’s celebratin’ my golden weddin’, suh. - -You were married fifty years ago to-day? - -Yes, suh. - -Well, why isn’t your wife helping you celebrate? - -My present wife, suh, replied Uncle Ephraim, with dignity, ain’t got -nothin’ to do with it. She’s de fourth, suh. - - * * * * * - -Sambo—You know, Rastus, dat every time ah kiss mah wife she closes her -eyes an’ holler. - -Rastus—Ah say she do! - -Sambo—What’s dat, nigger? - -Rastus—Ah say, do she? - - * * * * * - -Lord Babbington was instructing the new colored servant in his duties, -adding—Now, Zeke, when I ring for you, you must answer me by saying—My -lord, what will you have? - -A few hours afterward, having occasion to summon the servant, his -lordship was astonished with the following— - -My Gawd, whut does you want now? - - * * * * * - -A negro had made several ineffectual efforts to propose to the object of -his affections, but on each occasion his courage failed him at the last -moment. After thinking the matter over he finally decided to telephone, -which he did. Is that you, Samantha? he inquired upon being given the -proper number. Yes, it’s me, returned the lady. Will you marry me, -Samantha, and marry me quick? Yes, I will, was the reply, who’s speaking? - - * * * * * - -They installed a new furnace, or some sort of a heating apparatus, at the -Brazilian Embassy in Washington this winter. - -The Charge went down to look it over. He picked up the shaker. It was -large and heavy. - -Here, James, he said to the negro butler, you call up that furnace man -and tell him this shaker is too heavy. Why, none but a modern Ajax could -use it. - -Yassir, said the butler, and went to the telephone. Heah, yo’ furnace -man, he said, this yere shaker yo’ done put in the Brazilian Embassy is -too heavy. Why, nobody short of a modern jackass could use it. - - * * * * * - -Two darkies engaged in a horse trade. After the sale was made one darky -had the other darky’s horse, for which he parted with $30.00. A few days -later the buyer of the horse came across the other darky and complained -bitterly of being robbed. Why, Rastus, that horse ain’t no good at all. -He can’t see. He’s blind. - -What makes you think he’s blind, Sam? - -Why, the other day I turned him out in the field and he run into the -fence, then he stumbled over a great big rock and then he run plumb into -a tree. - -Aw, go long, nigger, that horse ain’t blind. He just don’t give a damn. - - * * * * * - -One morning, while visiting in Richmond, a New York lady overheard the -following conversation between the hostess and the cook— - -Please, Mis’ Gawdon, may I git off nex’ Sunday to go to the fun’ral of a -friend of mine? - -Next Sunday? Why, Eliza, this is only Monday! They wouldn’t put a funeral -off for a week. - -Yas’m, respectfully; but dey has to, ’cause he ain’t dead yit. - -Not dead! I am positively ashamed of you. How can you be so heartless as -to arrange to attend the funeral of a man who is still living? Why, he -may not die at all. - -Yas’m, but he will; dey ain’t no hope. - -It is impossible to say that, Eliza; the best doctors are often mistaken. -But even if they do know a case to be hopeless, they cannot predict the -exact time of a man’s death with such a certainty that the funeral can be -arranged so long beforehand. - -Yas’m, with calm assurance; but he will be buried nex’ Sunday, for all -dat, ’cause he’s gwin’ to be hung on Friday. - - * * * * * - -When General John Corson Smith was lieutenant governor of Illinois, one -of the colored janitors of the state house at Springfield came into his -office one morning and related the following incident, which he said -occurred the previous evening in the negro lodge of which he was a member— - -The ballot box had been passed and the worshipful master asked—How is -the ballot in the south, Brother Junior Warden? Clar in the south, -worshipful. How is the ballot in the west, Brother Senior Warden? Clar -in the west, worshipful. The W. M. then inspected the box and said—And -clar in the east. I therefore declar Mr. Josephus Johnson duly elected to -take the degrees in this lodge. Up jumped a big coon, as black as the ace -of spades, and cried, That’s a ’fernal lie,’ worshipful master. I put in -four black balls myself. - - * * * * * - -A negro boy walked into a drug store and asked permission to use the -telephone. Then the following conversation took place— - -Is that you, Mistah Jones? - -Yes, apparently was the reply. - -Well, Mistah Jones, I saw your ad in de paper the other day and yo’ -wanted a cullud boy. Did yo’ get one? - -Yes, seemed to be the answer again. - -Well, Mistah Jones, is he givin’ perfect satisfaction? - -The reply appeared still to be affirmative. - -Well, Mistah Jones, providen dis cullud boy don’t give perfect -satisfaction, you call me at 54. - -The boy turned and started out, and the druggist, who had overheard, -remarked—You didn’t do any good, did you? - -Yes, sah, came the reply. I’s dat cullud boy what’s workin’ down there. -I’se jest checkin’ up to see how I stand. - - * * * * * - -Edward M. Flesh, of the United States Food Commission, was talking in St. -Louis about snobbishness. - -Snobbishness penetrates everywhere, he said. It even penetrates our -churches. - -I know of an old darky who got religion last month and decided to join -the church. He selected, of course, the richest and handsomest church in -town, the church with the finest music and the best preaching. Then he -called on the pastor and stated his design. - -But the pastor hemmed and hawed. He felt that his fashionable flock -wouldn’t welcome such an addition as the old darky. He didn’t want to -hurt the old fellow’s feelings, however, and finally he said— - -Go home, Uncle Rooster. Go home and pray over it. This is an important -matter, and it should be made a subject of prayer. - -Old Uncle Rooster went home, and in a few days he was back again. - -Well? said the divine. Well, what’s the verdict now? - -Ah prayed an’ Ah prayed, said Uncle Rooster, an’ de good Lawd He say -to me, Rooster, mah son, Ah wouldn’t bothah mah haid about dat mattah -no mo.’ Ah’ve been a-tryin’ to git into dat chu’ch mahself fo’ de last -twenty-nine yeahs an’ Ah ain’t had no luck, nuther. - - * * * * * - -At the end of the first six months of his pastorate in Kentucky the Rev. -Silas Johns had learned the ways of his flock so thoroughly that he knew -exactly how to deal with them. One Sunday the collection was deplorably -small. The next week he made a short and telling speech at the close of -his sermon. I don’t want any man to gib more dan his share, bredren, -he said, gently, bending toward the congregation, but we must all gib -according as we are favored and according to what we rightly hab. I say -rightly hab, bredren, he went on, after a short pause, because we don’t -want any tainted money in de box. Squire Blinks told me dat he’d missed -some chickens dis week. Now, if any one ob my pore benighted bredren has -fallen by de way in connection wid does chickens, let him stay his hand -from de box when it comes to him. Brudder Mose, will you pass de box -while I watch de signs and see if dere’s one in de congregation dat needs -me to wrestle in prayer for him? - - * * * * * - -An excellent story is told by Kate Douglas Wiggin, the popular writer. -A negro servant, wishing to get married, asked his master to buy him a -license in the neighboring town. The master, being in haste, did not ask -the name of the happy woman, but as he drove along he reflected on the -many tender attentions that he had seen John lavish upon Euphemia Wilson, -the cook, and, concluding that there could be no mistake, had the license -made out in her name. - -There’s your license to marry Euphemia, he said to the servant that -night. You’re as good as married already, and you owe me only two dollars. - -The darky’s face fell. - -But, Mas’ Tom, Euphemia Wilson ain’t de lady I’se gwine to marry. -Dat wan’t nothin’ mo’n a little flirtation. Georgiana Thompson, the -la’ndress, is the one I’se gwine to marry. - -Oh, well, John, said the master, amused and irritated at the same time, -there’s no great harm done. I’ll get you another license to-morrow, but -it will cost you two dollars more, of course. - -The next morning the darky came out to the carriage as it was starting -for town, and leaning confidentially over the wheel, said—Mas’ Tom, -you needn’t git me no udder license; I’ll use the one I’se got. I’se -been t’inkin’ it over in de night, an’ to tell you de troof, Mas’ Tom, -de conclusion o’ my jedgment is dat dar ain’t two dollars’ worth o’ -diff’rence between dem two ladies. - - * * * * * - -Until recently there was a partnership existing between two darky -blacksmiths in an Alabama town. The dissolution of this association was -made known by a notice nailed upon the door of the smithy, which notice -ran as follows— - -The kopardnershipp heretofor resisting between me and Mose Jenkins is -heerby resolved. All perrsons owing the firm will settel with me, and all -perrsons that the firm owes to will settel with Mose. - - - - -_Alliterations_ - - -I wonder if you know that Betty Botter baked a bit of batter, but her -batter was so bitter that to make her bitter batter better Betty Botter -bought a bit of better butter, and with this bit of better butter Betty -Botter made her bitter batter better. - - * * * * * - -In reply to the question, How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a -woodchuck would chuck wood? I would say, if a woodchuck would chuck all -the wood that a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood, -a woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a -woodchuck could chuck wood. - - * * * * * - -When the tramp begged for somthun to do for a bite o’ bread, the lady of -the house said—Did you happen to notice that pile of wood in the yard? - -Yes’m, I seen it. - -You should mind your grammar. You mean you saw it. - -No’m. You saw me see it, but you ain’t seen me saw it. - - * * * * * - -An old farmer of Arkansas, whose sons had all grown up and left him, -hired a young man by the name of Esau Buck to help him on his farm. On -the evening of the first day they hauled up a small load of poles for -wood, and unloaded them. The next morning the old man said to the hired -man— - -Esau, I’m going to town today, and while I am gone you may saw wood and -keep the old ram out of the garden. - -When the old man had gone, Esau went out to saw the wood, but when he saw -the saw he wouldn’t saw. When Esau saw the saw he couldn’t saw with that -saw. Esau looked around for another saw, but that was the only saw he -saw, so he didn’t saw. When the old man came home he said to Esau— - -Esau, did you saw the wood? - -Esau said—I saw the wood, but I wouldn’t saw it. - -The old man went out to see the saw, and when he saw the saw he saw that -Esau couldn’t saw with that saw. When Esau saw that the old man saw that -he couldn’t saw with the saw, Esau picked up the ax and chopped up the -wood and made a seesaw. - -The next day the old man went to town and bought a new buck-saw for Esau -Buck, and when he came home he hung the buck-saw for Esau Buck on the -saw-buck by the seesaw. - -Just at that time Esau Buck saw the old buck in the garden eating -cabbage, and when driving him from the garden to the barn-yard Esau Buck -saw the buck-saw on the saw-buck by the seesaw. - -When the old buck saw Esau Buck looking at the new buck-saw on the -saw-buck by the seesaw, he made a dive for Esau, hit the seesaw, knocked -the seesaw against Esau Buck, who fell on the buck-saw on the saw-buck by -the seesaw. - -When the old man saw the old buck dive at Esau Buck, and miss Esau and -hit the seesaw and knock the seesaw against Esau, and Esau Buck fall -on the buck-saw on the saw-buck by the seesaw, he picked up an ax to -kill the old buck. But the buck saw him coming and dodged the blow and -countered on the old man’s stomach, knocked the old man over the seesaw -onto Esau Buck, who was getting the seesaw, crippled Esau Buck, broke the -buck-saw and the saw-buck and the seesaw. - - * * * * * - -A Yale student is reported to be responsible for the following -alliteration— - -Bill had a billboard. Bill also had a board bill. The board bill bored -Bill so that Bill sold the bill board to pay the board bill. So after -Bill sold the bill board to pay his board bill the board bill no longer -bored Bill. - -It is said that with little practice on either exercise a salesman will -so loosen his tongue and grease his vocal organs that he can sell Russian -bonds to a Japanese. - - - - -_Poet’s Corner_ - - -IN KENTUCKY. - - The moonlight falls the softest, - In Kentucky; - The summer days come oftest, - In Kentucky; - Friendship is the strongest, - Love’s light glows the longest, - Yet, wrong is always wrongest, - In Kentucky. - - Life’s burdens bear the lightest, - In Kentucky; - The home fires burn the brightest, - In Kentucky; - While players are the keenest, - Cards come out the meanest, - The pocket empties cleanest, - In Kentucky. - - The sun shines ever brightest, - In Kentucky; - The breezes whisper lightest, - In Kentucky; - Plain girls are the fewest, - Their little hearts are truest, - Maiden’s eyes the bluest, - In Kentucky. - - Orators are the grandest, - In Kentucky; - Officials are the blandest, - In Kentucky; - Boys are all the fliest, - Danger ever nighest, - Taxes are the highest, - In Kentucky. - - The bluegrass waves the bluest, - In Kentucky; - Yet, bluebloods are the fewest (?), - In Kentucky; - Moonshine is the clearest, - By no means the dearest, - And, yet, it acts the queerest, - In Kentucky. - - The dove-notes are the saddest, - In Kentucky; - The streams dance on the gladdest, - In Kentucky; - Hip pockets are the thickest, - Pistol hands the slickest, - The cylinder turns quickest, - In Kentucky. - - The song birds are the sweetest, - In Kentucky; - The thoroughbreds are fleetest, - In Kentucky; - Mountains tower proudest, - Thunder peals the loudest, - The landscape is the grandest, - And politics—the damnedest, - In Kentucky. - - —_By James H. Mulligan._ - - * * * * * - -A TIME IN THE KITCHEN. - - The fork said the corkscrew was crooked; - The remark made the flatiron sad; - The steel knife at once lost its temper, - And called the tea-holder a cad. - The teaspoon stood on its metal; - The kettle exhibited bile; - The stove grew hot at the discussion, - But the ice remained cool all the while. - - The way that the cabbage and lettuce - Kept their heads was something sublime; - The greens dared the soup to mix with them, - And the latter, while it hadn’t much thyme, - Got so mad it boiled over—the fire - Felt put out and started to cry; - The oven then roasted the turkey - And the cook gave the grease spot the lye. - - The plate said the clock in the corner - Transacted its business on tick. - And the plate, which for years had been battered, - The clock said was full of old nick. - The salt said the cream should be whipped, - The cinnamon laughed—in a rage - The cream said the salt was too fresh, - And its friend wasn’t thought to be sage. - - You’d not think a thing that’s so holey - As the sieve would have mixed in the fuss, - But it did, for it said that the butter - Was a slippery sort of a cuss; - No one knows how the row would have ended, - Had not the cook, Maggie O’Dowd, - (Her work being done) closed the kitchen, - And thusly shut up the whole crowd. - - * * * * * - -JUST NONSENSE. - - It was midnight on the ocean - Not a street car was in sight - The sun was shining brightly - And it rained all day that night. - - It was a summer day in winter - The rain was snowing fast - A barefoot girl with shoes on - Stood sitting on the grass. - - It was evening and the rising sun - Was setting in the west - The little fishes in the trees - Were cuddled in their nests. - - The rain was pouring down - The moon was shining bright - And everything that you could see - Was hidden from your sight. - - While the organ peeled potatoes - Lard was rendered by the choir - While the sexton rang the dish rag - Some one set the church on fire. - - “Holy Smokes” the preacher shouted - In the rain he lost his hair - Now his head resembles heaven - For there is no parting there. - - * * * * * - - This is the story of Johnny McGuire, - Who ran through the town with his trousers on fire; - He went to the doctor’s and fainted with fright - When the doctor told him his end was in sight. - - * * * * * - -8 2 MUCH. - - I often sit and medit8 - Upon the scurvy trick of f8 - That keeps me still a celib8. - I want a 10der maid sed8 - To love and be my m8. - My 40-2de is not so gr8 - I cannot w8. - - * * * * * - -ANTHEM FOR A HAS-BEEN. - - My Auto ’tis of Thee - Short cut to poverty - Of Thee I chant. - I blew a pile of dough - On you three years ago - Now you refuse to go - Or won’t or can’t. - - Through town and country side - I drove thee full of pride - No charm you lacked. - I loved your gaudy hue - Your tires so round and new - Now I feel mighty blue - The way you act. - - To thee old rattle box - Came many bumps and knocks - For thee I grieve. - Badly thy top is torn - Frayed are thy seats and worn - The croup affects thy horn - I do believe. - - Thy perfume swells the breeze - While good folks choke and sneeze - As we pass by. - I paid for thee a price - Would buy a mansion twice - Now every one yells “Ice” - I wonder why. - - Thy motor has the grip - Thy spark plug has the pip - And woe is thine. - I too have suffered chills - Fatigue and kindred ills - Trying to pay the bills - Since thou wert mine. - - Gone is my bank roll now - No more ’twould choke a cow - As once before. - Yet if I had the yen - So help me John “Amen” - I’d buy a car again - And speed some more. - - * * * * * - - The lightning bug is brilliant, - But he hasn’t any mind; - It wanders through creation - With its headlight on behind. - - * * * * * - - Tobacco is a dirty weed— - I like it. - It satisfies no moral need— - I like it. - It makes you fat, it makes you lean, - It takes the hair right off your bean, - It’s the worst darn stuff I’ve ever seen— - I like it. - - * * * * * - - Little Willie in the best of pink sashes, - Fell in the fire and got burned to ashes. - Bye and bye the room grew chilly, - But nobody wanted to poke up Willie. - - * * * * * - - Here lies the body of Mary Ann Lowder. - She burst while drinking a seidlitz powder, - Called from this world, to her heavenly rest, - She should have waited till it effervesced. - - * * * * * - -IF I SHOULD DIE TONIGHT. - - If I should die to-night - And you should come to my cold corpse and kneel - Clasping my bier to show the grief you feel, - I say, if I should die to-night - And you should come to me and there and then - Just even hint about paying me that ten - I might arise the while - But I’d drop dead again. - - Twice, thought I, the coin to send, - My one indebtedness to end. - But since I’ve learned a shock so great - A prompt remittance would create, - I do not like to pay you quite - For fear that you might die of fright— - So wait. - - - - -_Limericks_ - - - Now what is a Limerick pray? - I beg of you poet to say. - Conversation like this - Is a Limerick, miss, - But it doesn’t occur every day. - - * * * * * - - Said a husband, You think I’m a St. - I will fool you a bit, for I at. - Now please take a look, - Watch me wink at the cook! - * * * * * - No, the black ’round his eye isn’t pt. - - * * * * * - - A young thing named Katherine Parr - Was crazy to be a screen star, - But she snubbed her director - When he tried to correct her, - So Kate didn’t get very far. - - * * * * * - - There once was an old man of Lyme - Who married three wives at a time; - When asked, Why a third? - He replied, One’s absurd! - And bigamy sir, is a crime! - - * * * * * - - There once was a person of Benin - Who wore clothes not fit to be seen in; - When told that he shouldn’t - He replied, Gumscrumrudent! - A word of inscrutable meanin’! - - * * * * * - - There was a gay damsel of Lynn, - Whose waist was so charmingly thin, - The dressmaker needed - A microscope—she did— - To fit this slim person of Lynn. - - * * * * * - - There was a young lady named Anna, - Who sang in the choir soprano. - The tenor said, There! - As she mounted the stair, - I’ve both seen and heard your Hose, Anna! - - * * * * * - - There was an old man in a tree - Who was horribly bored by a bee, - When they said, Does it buzz? - He replied, Yes it does, - It’s a regular brute of a bee! - - * * * * * - - Unless I’ve a new gown, said she, - I really can’t go to the tea. - I’ve nothing to wear, - My back is quite bare. - You’re right in the style, then, said he. - - * * * * * - - A proud young rooster named Gawk, - Was taking his flock for a walk; - An auto whizzed by - But Gawk wouldn’t fly, - And so naught was left but the squawk. - - * * * * * - - Belinda was building the fire, - She knew the results might be dire, - But to shorten her toil - She poured on some oil— - And speedily winged her way higher. - - * * * * * - - There was a young dude from the city - Who tho’t he espied a nice kitty, - Her back he did pat, - Saying, good Kitty Cat— - They buried his clothes—what a pity! - - * * * * * - - There was a young man at St. Kitts - Who was very much troubled with fits. - The eclipse of the moon - Threw him into a swoon, - When he tumbled and broke into bits. - - * * * * * - - There was a young lady, quite rich, - Who heard funny noises, at which - She took off her hat - And found that her rat - Had fallen asleep at the switch. - - * * * * * - - There once was a girl of New York - Whose body was lighter than cork - She had to be fed - For six weeks upon lead, - Before she went out for a walk. - - * * * * * - - There once was a man with a beard - Who said, It is just as I feared! - Two owls and a hen, - Four larks and a wren - Have all built their nests in my beard! - - * * * * * - - There once was an amorous Mr. - Who on meeting a girl always Kr. - But one night at the gate - He learned when too late - He’d been kissing the coachman’s black Sr. - - * * * * * - - They had cut off a Chinaman’s queue, - And were painting his head a bright blueue; - So the Chinaman said - As they daubed at his head; - When I sueue yueue, yueue’ll rueue what yueue dueue. - - * * * * * - - There was a Princess of Bengal - Whose mouth was exceedingly small; - She said, It would be - More easy for me - To do without eating at all! - - * * * * * - - A right-handed writer named Wright, - In writing “write” always wrote “rite.” - He meant to write “write,” - But he couldn’t write right— - Who started this darn thing, anyway? - - * * * * * - - There was a young lady of Boston - Whose manner had such a deep frost on. - She invariably froze - Every one of her beaux - When her high plane of thought they got lost on. - - * * * * * - - When you turn down your glass it’s a sign - That you’re not going to take any wign, - So turn down your plate - When they serve things you hate - And you’ll be asked out often to dign. - - * * * * * - - There was an old person of Ware - Who rode on the back of a bear. - When they said, Does it trot? - He said, Certainly not, - It’s a Moppsikon Floppsikon bear. - - * * * * * - - Nan’s father, who lived in Nantucket, - Kept all of his cash in a bucket. - But one day Miss Nan - Eloped with a man, - And as for the cash, why Nan tuck it! - - * * * * * - - There was an old man who said, Hush, - I perceive a young bird in this bush! - When they said, Is it small? - He replied, Not at all, - It is four times as big as the bush! - - * * * * * - - Every fighter in khaki or blue - Has a job he simply must do— - He must stand by the flag, - He must fight the red rag, - The Legion will see the job through! - - * * * * * - - There was a cowpuncher in Butte - Who immediately started to shutte, - When a girl who was brave - Said, Your pants need a shave, - Otherwise you look awfully cutte! - - * * * * * - - A cowboy with nothing to dioux - Just for practice tried roping poor Lioux, - It was excellent sport - But Siouxn after in court - He was siouxed for lassiouxing a Sioux! - - * * * * * - - A broken down tenor named Squires - Wrote thus to a half hundred choirs; - Have you place I could fill? - They replied “No,” but still - He inquires in choirs in quires. - - * * * * * - - There was a young lady named Jane - Who said to herself, I’m too plain. - I’m tired of duty, - Now I’ll seek beauty, - And beat Father Time at his game. - - * * * * * - - There was a dear lady of Eden - Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’. - She gave one to Adam - Who said, Thank you madam, - And then both skedaddled from Eden. - - * * * * * - - Said the stuttering baritone Gantz - When asked by the chorister Rantz, - If it was his desire - To sing in the choir, - I’d j-j-j-jump at the chants! - - * * * * * - - A lady as proud as old Lucifer - Is tired of her husband’s abucifer. - She says she will see - If she ever gets free - Love doesn’t again make a gucifer. - - * * * * * - - When Adam in bliss - Asked Eve for a kiss, - She puckered her lips with a coo, - Gave look so ecstatic, - And answered emphatic, - I don’t care A-dam if I do. - - * * * * * - - She frowned on him and called him Mr. - Because in fun he’d merely Kr. - And then for spite - The foll’wing nite - This naughty Mr. Kr. Sr. - - * * * * * - - There was a young lady named Stella, - Whose beau was a bow-legged fella. - When he asked her to sit - In his lap, why she lit - On his soft corn, then how he did bella. - - * * * * * - - Professor M’Dome of Saint Clair - In five hours tracked a bear to his lair. - Mr. Bear was at home - And Professor M’Dome - Spent five minutes returning from there. - - * * * * * - - I am so poor - I can’t insure, - He said, then died—(damnation!) - His widow sighed, - Became a bride - And thus escaped starvation. - - * * * * * - - For beauty I am not a star, - There are others more handsome by far. - By my face I don’t mind it, - For I am behind it, - It’s the people in front that I jar. - - * * * * * - - Dickery Dickery Doc, - With patients lined up a block - With fits and conniptions - They wait for prescriptions - Liquor me, liquor me, Doc. - - * * * * * - - Any girl can be gay - In a classy coupe, - In a taxi they all can be jolly - But the girl worth while - Is the girl who can smile - When you’re bringing her home on the trolley. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration] - - A sporty old chink named Wun Won - Sat up playing fan tan for mon, - At two he’d lost ten - But he stuck to it—then - Wun Won won one-one at 1:01. - - * * * * * - - There once was a maiden of Siam - Who said to her lover, young Kiam, - If you kiss me, of course - You will have to use force, - But I’ll wager you’re stronger than I am. - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SHEARED CREAM O' WIT *** - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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Mittler. - </title> - - <link rel="icon" href="images/cover.jpg" type="image/x-cover" /> - - <style> /* <![CDATA[ */ - -a { - text-decoration: none; -} - -body { - margin-left: 10%; - margin-right: 10%; -} - -h1,h2,h3 { - text-align: center; - clear: both; -} - -h2.nobreak { - page-break-before: avoid; -} - -hr.chap { - margin-top: 2em; - margin-bottom: 2em; - width: 65%; - margin-left: 17.5%; - margin-right: 17.5%; - clear: both; -} - -hr.tb { - margin-top: 1em; - margin-bottom: 1em; - width: 25%; - margin-left: 37.5%; - margin-right: 37.5%; - clear: both; -} - -img.w100 { - width: 100%; -} - -div.chapter { - page-break-before: always; -} - -p { - margin-top: 0.5em; - text-align: justify; - margin-bottom: 0.5em; - text-indent: 1em; -} - -.blockquote { - margin: 1.5em 10%; -} - -.box1 { - margin: auto; - border: 2px solid black; - padding: 1em; - max-width: 25em; -} - -.box2 { - margin: auto; - border: double black; - padding: 1em; -} - -.center { - text-align: center; - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.figcenter { - margin: auto; - text-align: center; -} - -.larger { - font-size: 150%; -} - -.noindent { - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.pagenum { - position: absolute; - right: 4%; - font-size: smaller; - text-align: right; - font-style: normal; -} - -.poetry-container { - text-align: center; -} - -.poetry { - display: inline-block; - text-align: left; -} - -.poetry .stanza { - margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em; -} - -.poetry .verse { - padding-left: 3em; -} - -.poetry .indent0 { - text-indent: -3em; -} - -.poetry .indent2 { - text-indent: -2em; -} - -.poetry .indent4 { - text-indent: -1em; -} - -.poetry .indent8 { - text-indent: 1em; -} - -.poetry .indent10 { - text-indent: 2em; -} - -.poetry .indent20 { - text-indent: 7em; -} - -.poetry .indent26 { - text-indent: 10em; -} - - -.right { - text-align: right; -} - -.smaller { - font-size: 80%; -} - -.smcap { - font-variant: small-caps; - font-style: normal; -} - -.titlepage { - text-align: center; - margin-top: 3em; - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.x-ebookmaker img { - max-width: 100%; - width: auto; - height: auto; -} - -.x-ebookmaker .poetry { - display: block; - margin-left: 1.5em; -} -.illowp100 {width: 100%;} -.illowp63 {width: 63%;} -.x-ebookmaker .illowp63 {width: 100%;} - - /* ]]> */ </style> - </head> -<body> -<p style='text-align:center; font-size:1.2em; font-weight:bold'>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Sheared cream o' wit, by Carl J. Mittler</p> -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online -at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you -are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the -country where you are located before using this eBook. -</div> - -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: Sheared cream o' wit</p> -<p style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:0; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:1em;'>A classified compilation of the best wit and humor</p> -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Carl J. Mittler</p> -<p style='display:block; text-indent:0; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: October 23, 2022 [eBook #69216]</p> -<p style='display:block; text-indent:0; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</p> - <p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em; text-align:left'>Produced by: Charlene Taylor and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.)</p> -<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SHEARED CREAM O' WIT ***</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_1"></a>[1]</span></p> - -<div class="box1"> - -<div class="box2"> - -<h1><i>Sheared Cream<br /> -o’ Wit</i></h1> - -<p class="titlepage larger"><i>A Classified Compilation of the Best -WIT and HUMOR</i></p> - -<p class="titlepage"><i>By<br /> -CARL J. MITTLER<br /> -Louisville, Ky.</i></p> - -</div> - -</div> - -<p class="titlepage smaller"><span class="smcap">Copyright 1923<br /> -BY<br /> -CARL J. MITTLER</span></p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_2"></a>[2]</span></p> - -<p><i>This little anthology is lovingly -dedicated to Miss Jennie C. Benedict -and Miss Salome E. Kerr, with -respect and admiration.</i></p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="By_the_Way"><i>By the Way</i></h2> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" style="max-width: 6.25em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/line.jpg" alt="" /> -</div> - -</div> - -<p class="noindent"><i>My Dear Mr. Mittler</i>:</p> - -<p><i>The old adage “what is one man’s -laughter may be another man’s dirge” is not -inapplicable to the selections of wit and humor -in your book.</i></p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Please let me “dib” this one suggestion,</i></div> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Gulping rich food brings on indigestion,</i></div> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Homeopath these rescued treasures,</i></div> - <div class="verse indent0"><i>Little at a time conserves the pleasures.</i></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><i>Good luck to “Sheared Cream o’ Wit”.</i></p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Augustus E. Willson</span></p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_3"></a>[3]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="Foreword"><i>Foreword</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p>The rare gift of originality is denied most of us, -but a measure of compensation rests in the gift -of appreciation which has been so freely bestowed, -in some degree at least, upon nearly every one of -the human race. As one who enjoys this blessing, -the compiler of this little volume has counted it a -labor of love, and hence a delight, to gather together -during a period of forty years choice bits of humor -and quaint verse, for his own amusement and the -delectation of an inner circle of friends.</p> - -<p>The growth of this collection, together with the -care used in selection, seems now to warrant its -stepping into a wider field. The same recognition of -the finer things of wit and pathos which led to these -gleanings will be met in other hearts and the smile -of kindred spirits will broaden as this little book -makes its new friends. Under the evening lamp, the -family circle may have many a hearty laugh together; -in the office or train, the tired business man may ease -the strain of concentration; in the hospitals, weary -convalescents may cheer the hours of waiting; the -after-dinner speaker may find here some worth-while -“I am reminded” stories; far and wide are scattered -the multitudes of those who will welcome the coming -of one whose mission it is to “scatter sunshine” along -life’s weary way.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_4"></a>[4]</span></p> - -<p>The gems contained in these pages have been -gathered from the <i>New York Graphic</i>, <i>Texas Siftings</i>, -<i>Ram’s Horn</i>, <i>Life</i>, <i>Paris Figaro</i>, <i>Punch</i>, <i>London Tit -Bits</i>, <i>Literary Digest</i>, <i>Ladies Home Journal</i>, <i>Fliegende -Blätter</i>, and from daily papers, living and dead. -To all of these, due acknowledgment is made and -confidence is expressed that one and all will endorse -the propaganda for the spread of the gospel of -laughter.</p> - -<p>All of the foregoing is set down to emphasize the -simple truth that I shall regard my labor as well -rewarded, if a bit of new joy, a ray of new brightness, -may enter the life of some one who needs it today.</p> - -<p class="right"><i>Carl J. Mittler.</i></p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_5"></a>[5]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="Random_Smiles"><i>Random Smiles</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p>Motto for young lovers: Sofa and no father.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I would like some powder, please, said the young -miss to the drugstore clerk.</p> - -<p>Yes, miss. Face, gun or bug?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Diner (Scanning menu)—Have you frog legs?</p> - -<p>Waitress—Oh, no sir! I walk this way on account -of rheumatism.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The new long skirts may make the women appear -taller, but there is no denying that the short skirts -make the men look longer.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Village Constable (to villager who has been -knocked down by passing motorist): You didn’t -see the number, but could you swear to the man?</p> - -<p>Villager: I did, but I don’t think ’e ’eard me.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Messenger boy, with a telegram for Mr. Jenkins, -rings the bell at half-past one in the morning: Does -Mr. Jenkins live here—</p> - -<p>Feminine voice from upstairs, wearily: Yes; -bring him in.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Uncle Sam’s worries (Stevenson Americanized):</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">There’s so much blues in the East of U. S.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And so much booze in the West of U. S.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That it ill behooves any of U. S.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To say what it thinks of the rest of U. S.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_6"></a>[6]</span></p> -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>He—I feel like thirty cents.</p> - -<p>She—How things have gone up since the war.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Paw, said Tommy Tucker, am I descended from -the monkey? Not on my side of the house, replied -Mr. Tucker, with much positiveness.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A Reformer would change the name of Hollywood -to Follywood.</p> - -<p>The Hellywood.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Farmer—See here, young feller, what are you -doing up that tree?</p> - -<p>Boy—One of your apples fell down and I’m -trying to put it back.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A Yorkshireman recently entered an auction -mart. Looking around and catching the auctioneer’s -eye during a lull in the bidding, he shouted loudly -enough to be heard by all: May I bid, sir?</p> - -<p>Certainly, said the man of the hammer, thinking -him a customer.</p> - -<p>All eyes being turned on the questioner, he, -making for the door, said:</p> - -<p>Well, I’ll bid you good-night, then.</p> - -<p>The laughter which followed stopped business -for some time.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>In the sweet silence of the twilight they honey-spooned -upon the beach.</p> - -<p>Dearest, she murmured, trembling, now that we -are married, I—I have a secret to tell you!</p> - -<p>What is it sweetheart? he asked softly.</p> - -<p>Can you ever forgive me for deceiving you? she -sobbed. My—my left eye is made of glass!</p> - -<p>Never mind, lovebird, he whispered, gently; so -are the diamonds in your engagement ring!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_7"></a>[7]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Mrs. Smith presented her husband with triplets, -and two weeks later she had twins.</p> - -<p>How come?</p> - -<p>One of the triplets died.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>An inebriated husband, who has returned after -a night out, bringing with him nothing but a charlotte -russe, finds his wife very angry. I sent you -for fish last night and here you have come home -with nothing but a charlotte russe.</p> - -<p>Husband (startled)—Did she come all the way -home with me?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>An advertisement appeared in a newspaper lately -praising a new make of infant’s feeding bottle. Here -is the advice it gave relative to its use:</p> - -<p>When the infant is done drinking, it must be -unscrewed and put in cold place under a tap. If -the baby does not thrive on raw milk, it should be -boiled.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Jenkins’ mother-in-law was buried one day last -week. Jenkins was visibly affected as he followed -the hearse.</p> - -<p>Bear up, sir, said the undertaker. Don’t cry.</p> - -<p>I can’t help it, sighed poor Jenkins. Poor -woman! Do you know this is the very first time -we have been out together without quarreling?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The stingiest man was scoring the hired man for -his extravagance in wanting to carry a lantern in -going to call on his best girl.</p> - -<p>The idea! he scoffed. When I was courtin’ I -never carried no lantern; I went in the dark.</p> - -<p>The hired man proceeded to fill the lantern.</p> - -<p>Yes, he said sadly, and look what you got.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_8"></a>[8]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Collector—When can you pay this bill?</p> - -<p>Business Manager—See the puzzle editor.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Are you Hungary, Frances?</p> - -<p>Yes, Siam.</p> - -<p>Well, Russia long and I’ll Fiji.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>She—John, do you think that this hat is becoming -to me?</p> - -<p>He—I expect so, for the bill will be coming to me.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Mrs. Wade Parker—Do you take a Sunday paper?</p> - -<p>Mrs. Glen Villers—We do if we get up before our -next-door neighbors.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A young lady was caressing a pretty spaniel, and -murmuring, I do love a nice dog! Ah! sighed a -dandy, standing near; I would I were a dog. Never -mind, retorted the young lady, sharply, you’ll grow!</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Mrs. Knicker—Weren’t you frightened when the -bull bellowed at you on account of your new dress?</p> - -<p>Mrs. Bocker—No, it was exactly the same way -Henry behaved when he got the bill.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>English specimen (with monocle)—Aw—do you -serve lobstahs here?</p> - -<p>Boston waiter—We make no unnecessary inquiries -concerning our customers, sir.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>This is from a retail grocer, found (not the -grocer) in a basket of Florida beans—</p> - -<p>Dearest Sweet Pea—Do you carrot all for me? -My heart beets for you. With your radish hair and -turnip nose, you are the apple of my eye. Give me -a date, if we cantaloupe. Lettuce marry anyway. -I know we would make a happy pear.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_9"></a>[9]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Yes, dear, I was married last month. I’d like -you to call on me and see the pretty little flat I have.</p> - -<p>I’ve seen him, my dear.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>What is the difference between a rooster, a soldier, -and a vamp?</p> - -<p>The rooster says, Cock a doodle do.</p> - -<p>The soldier says, Yankee doodle do.</p> - -<p>And the vamp says, Any dude’ll do.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The prodigal son wrote the old man as follows—</p> - -<p>I got religion at camp meeting the other day. -Send me ten dollars.</p> - -<p>But the old man replied—</p> - -<p>Religion is free. You got the wrong kind.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The girl was very pretty. Leaning her dimpled -elbows on the table she said—And what is your -lecture to be about, professor?</p> - -<p>I shall lecture on Keats, he replied.</p> - -<p>Oh, professor, she gushed, what are keats?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A pretty young lady went into a Fourth Avenue -music shop the other day. She tripped up to the -counter, where a new clerk was busy, and in her -sweetest tones asked—</p> - -<p>Have you “Kissed Me in the Moonlight”?</p> - -<p>No! It must have been the man at the other -counter. I’ve only been here a week.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A tall, strong man walked into a shop.</p> - -<p>I want to get a set of lady’s furs, he said.</p> - -<p>What kind? asked the male salesman.</p> - -<p>That brown set in the window will do if it’s not -too dear, replied the tall, strong man.</p> - -<p>Oh, you mean skunk? said the salesman.</p> - -<p>The salesman is still in the hospital.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_10"></a>[10]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Miss Fleyme—Oh, Mr. Nocoyne, how lovely of -you to bring me these beautiful roses! How sweet -they are—and how fresh! I do believe there is a -little dew on them yet!</p> - -<p>Mr. Nocoyne—W-well, yes—there is; but I’ll pay -it to-morrow.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Madam, I must request you to remove your hat, -remarked the polite theater usher.</p> - -<p>The lady smiled grimly.</p> - -<p>Does my hat annoy the little man behind me?</p> - -<p>Yes, madam.</p> - -<p>Then you’ll find it much easier to remove him.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>How’s this? sneered the jealous goose. How happens -it you aren’t the leading attraction at some -Thanksgiving dinner?</p> - -<p>The beautiful young turkey blushed and hung her -head. Then she said softly—</p> - -<p>Nobody axed me.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A drummer approached a girl in charge of a soda -fountain and before giving his order asked—How is -the milkmaid to-night?</p> - -<p>Milk isn’t made; it comes from cows, you fool, -was the retort. He was glad to close his mouth with -some of it.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>No man is as well known as he thinks he is, says -Caruso. I was motoring on Long Island recently. -My car broke down and I entered a farmhouse to -get warm. The farmer and I chatted, and when he -asked my name I told him modestly that it was -Caruso. At that he threw up his hands.</p> - -<p>Caruso! he exclaimed. Robinson Caruso, the -great traveler! Little did I expect ever to see a -man like yer in this here humble kitchen, sir!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_11"></a>[11]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>What do you mean by an “eight-day clock?”</p> - -<p>One that will run eight days without winding.</p> - -<p>Huh, then how long would it run if you wound it?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I sometimes wonder, said an Englishman visiting -New York, to a pretty girl sitting next to him at -dinner, what becomes of all your peaches here in -America.</p> - -<p>Oh, was the reply, we eat what we can, and we -can what we can’t.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Look here! angrily exclaimed the householder, -pointing to a cigar-stump that lay on the floor of the -back porch. That was in the lump of ice you left -here yesterday morning! Well, belligerently replied -the iceman, what did you expect to get for fifteen -cents—a box of perfectos?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I, said the temperance man, strongly object to -the custom of christening ships with champagne.</p> - -<p>I don’t, replied the other man. I think there’s a -temperance lesson in it.</p> - -<p>How can that be?</p> - -<p>Well, immediately after the first bottle of wine -the ship takes to water and sticks to it ever after.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A man “butted in” at a waiting line before the -railroad ticket window at New York, and the men -who were in a hurry glowered.</p> - -<p>I want a ticket for Boston, said the man and put -50 cents under the wicket.</p> - -<p>You can’t go to Boston for 50 cents, returned the -ticket seller.</p> - -<p>Well, then, asked the man, where can I go for -50 cents?</p> - -<p>And each of the fourteen men in that waiting -room told him where he could go.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_12"></a>[12]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>But, observed the fool man who had permitted -his wife to take him along on her search for a spring -bonnet, the hat doesn’t seem to fit. Now, I think a -woman’s hat should conform to her head the same -as a man’s.</p> - -<p>Oh, tittered the merry milliner, there are no fits -connected with spring hats. They generally develop -in the men when the bill comes home.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A few days ago, says the “<i>Newark Star</i>,” Alderman -Elmer A. Day was glancing over the register at -one of the local hotels to see if a friend of his was -registered there. Near him stood a man who was -holding onto the desk for dear life in a semi-successful -attempt to maintain his balance.</p> - -<p>I s’pose you think I’m drunk? said the stranger, -looking belligerently at Day.</p> - -<p>No; not in the least, replied the Alderman, anxious -to avoid the possibility of a row.</p> - -<p>Well, you’d know I was if I let go this desk, -answered the man.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I visited Miss Marie Corelli when I was in Stratford, -said a young woman. She lives in a quaint -house of dull red brick. She is very pretty and very -rich, and she likes Americans.</p> - -<p>Miss Corelli was full of fun. She talked about -woman’s over-regard for appearances. She said that -she herself was too prone to think that, if appearances -were all right, everything was right.</p> - -<p>Once, in her childhood, Miss Corelli said she was -yachting on the English coast.</p> - -<p>As the yacht sped along there was a sudden -swerve, and the helmsman said—</p> - -<p>By Jove, I believe she’s broken her rudder.</p> - -<p>Oh, well, said the young girl, what does it matter? -It’s under water, and I’m sure nobody will notice it.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_13"></a>[13]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A sentimental novelist once wrote: Edwin then -kissed Angelina under the silent stars.</p> - -<p>The compositor set it up thus:</p> - -<p>Edwin then kicked Angelina under the cellar -stairs.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Old Smith was busy in his back yard with saw -and hatchet while his wife nursed a bad cold in the -house, when a neighbor came to the fence.</p> - -<p>Good mornin’, Mr. Smith, he said. How is -Mrs. Smith this mornin’?</p> - -<p>Just about the same, old Smith replied. She -didn’t sleep very well last night.</p> - -<p>That’s too bad, the neighbor sympathized, and -then, as a raucous sound came from the house, -he added solicitously:</p> - -<p>I s’pose that’s her coughin’, ain’t it?</p> - -<p>No, old Smith answered absent-mindedly, his -eyes still on his work, it ain’t her coffin, it’s a new -hen house.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The world has so long been at war with the hapless -printer that it will be interesting to know that -at least one compositor has been capable of following -instructions. Once upon a time a printer brought -to Booth for inspection proof of a new poster, which -after the manner of its kind, announced the actor as -the eminent tragedian, Edwin Booth.</p> - -<p>Mr. Booth did not fully approve of it.</p> - -<p>I wish you’d leave out that eminent tragedian -business. I’d much rather have it simple Edwin -Booth, he said.</p> - -<p>Very good, sir.</p> - -<p>The next week the actor saw the first of his new -bills in position. His request had been carried out to -the letter. The poster announced the coming -engagement of Simple Edwin Booth.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_14"></a>[14]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I left my husband’s death notice here this morning, -said the widow.</p> - -<p>Yes, said the bright clerk in the publication -room of the “Daily Squib.”</p> - -<p>Now, continued the widow, I want you to add to -the notice, “Gone to Rest,” in an appropriate place.</p> - -<p>Yes, madam, replied the bright clerk, and the -next morning she read: Gone to rest in an appropriate -place.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Miss Frances Kellar, of the Woman’s Municipal -League of New York, illustrated admirably at a -dinner party a point which she wished to make.</p> - -<p>Women, a man has said, are vainer than men.</p> - -<p>Of course, Miss Kellar answered, I admit that -women are vain and men are not. There are a -thousand proofs that this is so. Why, the necktie -of the handsomest man in the room is even now up -the back of his collar.</p> - -<p>There were six men present, and each of them -put his hand gently behind his neck.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>We recently heard of a man who attended a -grand ball with his wife and had a grand time. -While dancing a quadrille he noticed that his pants -were ripping, and hurriedly retired to a room with -his wife, who procured a needle and thread and -began sewing up the rip. While the man was sitting -there without any pants on he heard the rustling -of skirts and it occurred to him that he had taken -refuge in the ladies’ dressing-room. He appealed to -his wife, and she shoved him to a door which opened, -as she thought, into a closet. Opening the door -quickly, she shoved him through and locked the -door. Mary! he screamed, I’m in the ballroom! -The door, instead of opening into the closet, opened -into the ballroom.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_15"></a>[15]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The Morning Star announced the death of -William B. Jones when he was not dead, writes -Simeon Strunsky in the New York Evening Post.</p> - -<p>The next day it printed the following notice:</p> - -<p>Yesterday we were the first newspaper to publish -the news of the death of William B. Jones. -Today we are the first to deny the report. The -Morning Star is always in the lead.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A matron of the most determined character -was encountered by a young woman reporter on a -country paper, who was sent out to interview leading -citizens as to their politics. May I see Mr. ⸺? -she asked of a stern-looking woman who opened the -door at one house. No, you can’t, answered the matron -decisively. But I want to know what party -he belongs to, pleaded the girl. The woman drew -up her tall figure. Well, take a good look at me, she -said, I’m the party he belongs to!</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Here is a singular incident showing how easy -it is to mistranslate an overheard remark.</p> - -<p>Said Mrs. A, one of the overhearers: They -must have been to the zoo, because I heard her mention -a trained deer.</p> - -<p>Said Mrs. B: No, no. They were talking -about going away and she said to him, find out -about the train, dear.</p> - -<p>Said Mrs. C: I think you are both wrong. It -seemed to me they were discussing music, for she -said, A trained ear, very distinctly.</p> - -<p>A few minutes later the lady herself appeared -and they told her of their disagreement.</p> - -<p>Well, she laughed, that’s certainly funny. You -are poor guessers, all of you. The fact is, I’d been -out to the country overnight and I was asking my -husband if it rained here last evening.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_16"></a>[16]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>She was a pretty little widow, whose husband, -after nine years of married life, had left her with -four strapping boys and a generous provision of -the world’s goods. Her financial affairs were in the -hands of a trust company, the cashier of which, having -an ambition to be thought something of a wit, often -joked her when she called at the office. One day, in -opening her hand bag for a check, she thoughtlessly -dropped a pin of the variety known as safety.</p> - -<p>The cashier, noticing this, jocosely asked:</p> - -<p>Is that your fraternity pin?</p> - -<p>To which the little widow replied:</p> - -<p>No, it’s my maternity pin.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Can you tell me, said the cool-looking young -lady in white, confidentially approaching the young -man at the soda fountain, the most agreeable way -to take castor oil?</p> - -<p>Oh, yes, indeed, replied the man, his eyes brightening. -And while you are waiting, he added, won’t -you have a glass of soda?</p> - -<p>Oh, thank you, said the young lady, as he set -it down before her. The day being hot, in a few -moments she had drained the glass.</p> - -<p>Is the prescription ready? she asked, sweetly, -wiping her mouth.</p> - -<p>The young man’s eyes gleamed with benevolence. -The prescription, he said, tapping the glass, -was in here.</p> - -<p>Do you mean to say I’ve drunk it? she screamed. -But it wasn’t for me; it was for my little brother! -And she swept from the drug store.</p> - -<p>It’s too bad, sighed the young man, and she -was one of our best customers!</p> - -<p>But she isn’t any more. Daily the soda fountain -young man watches her enter the drug store across -the way, where they look before they leap.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_17"></a>[17]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>An employer, noted for his energy and lack of -tolerance for loafing in any form, visited his stock -room and found a boy leaning idly against a packing -case, whistling cheerily, and with nothing at all on his -mind. The chief stopped and stared. Such a thing -was unheard of in his establishment.</p> - -<p>How much are you getting a week? he demanded, -with characteristic abruptness.</p> - -<p>Twelve dollars.</p> - -<p>Here’s your twelve. Now get out. You’re -through.</p> - -<p>As the boy philosophically pocketed the money -and departed, the boss turned to the chief clerk and -demanded:</p> - -<p>Since when has that fellow been with us?</p> - -<p>Never that I know of, was the response. He just -brought over a proof for us from the printer.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Henry was at college. He had been spending -somewhat too freely, and he was short. It was near -the holidays and he hated to write home for money. -As a last resort he pawned his dress suit to tide him -over.</p> - -<p>When the time came to leave for home the suit -was still unredeemed. He knew he would need it -at home. He hurriedly redeemed it at the last -moment, packed it in the grip and was off.</p> - -<p>His mother was helping him unpack. She came -to the coat.</p> - -<p>Henry, she asked, what is this ticket on your -coat for?</p> - -<p>Why, mother, he replied, I went to a dance the -other evening and had my coat checked.</p> - -<p>She continued putting away his garments. Finally -she lifted out the trousers. They, too, were ticketed.</p> - -<p>Henry! she exclaimed, what kind of a dance was -that?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_18"></a>[18]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Philip—My man, I think you are one of the -most self-controlled men I have ever seen.</p> - -<p>Morris—Howcum?</p> - -<p>Philip—You seem to have an awful lot of trouble -with your flivver. You get angry with it, and yet -you never swear at it.</p> - -<p>Morris—Well, you see it’s this way. I don’t -think the flivver is worth a damn.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>It was in one of the “ten, twent, thirt” vaudeville -houses where moving pictures are shown. An Oriental -act has been concluded and incense filled the -house.</p> - -<p>Usher, complained a pompous man in an aisle -seat, I smell punk.</p> - -<p>That’s all right, whispered the usher, confidently, -just sit where you are, and I won’t put anyone near -you.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Some time ago there lived a gentleman of indolent -habits who spent his time visiting among his friends. -After wearing out his welcome in his own neighborhood -he thought he would visit an old Quaker friend -some twenty miles distant.</p> - -<p>On his arrival he was cordially received by the -Quaker, who, thinking the visitor had taken much -pains to come so far to see him, treated him with a -great deal of attention and politeness for several days.</p> - -<p>As the visitor showed no signs of leaving, the -Quaker became uneasy, but bore it with patience -until the eighth day, when he said to him—</p> - -<p>My friend, I am afraid thee will never come again.</p> - -<p>Oh yes, I shall, said the visitor. I have enjoyed -my visit very much, and shall certainly come again.</p> - -<p>But, said the Quaker, if thee will never leave, -how can thee come again?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_19"></a>[19]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Prof. Starr, the famous ethnologist, was in his -humorous and whimsical way accusing women of -barbarism.</p> - -<p>And she is not only barbarous—she is illogical -and inconsistent, he exclaimed.</p> - -<p>I was walking in the country one day with a -young woman. In a grove we came upon a boy -about to shin up a tree. There was a nest in the -tree, and from a certain angle it was possible to see -in it three eggs.</p> - -<p>You wicked little boy, said my companion, are -you going up there to rob that nest?</p> - -<p>I am, replied the boy, coolly.</p> - -<p>How can you, she exclaimed. Think how the -mother will grieve over the loss of her eggs.</p> - -<p>Oh, she won’t care, said the boy. She’s up there -on your hat.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>That Confederate money was never taken seriously -is well illustrated in the following story told -by the late General John B. Gordon, and which, as -far as can be ascertained, has never appeared in print.</p> - -<p>One day during a temporary cessation of hostilities -between the opposing forces a tall, strapping -Yankee rode into the Confederate camp on a sorry -looking old horse to effect a trade for some tobacco.</p> - -<p>Hullo, Yank! hailed one of a number of Confederate -soldiers lolling about on the grass in front of a -tent, that’s a right smart horse you all got there.</p> - -<p>Think so? returned the Yank.</p> - -<p>Yes; what’ll you take for him?</p> - -<p>Oh, I don’t know.</p> - -<p>Well, I’ll give you $7,000 for him, bantered the -Confederate.</p> - -<p>You go to blazes! indignantly returned the Yank; -I’ve just paid $10,000 of your money to have him -curried.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_20"></a>[20]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Two brothers were discussing which smelled the -strongest, a goat or a tramp. They agreed to leave -it to the judge.</p> - -<p>All right, said the judge, trot in your animals.</p> - -<p>They brought in the goat and the judge fainted. -They then brought in the tramp and the goat fainted.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A party of traveling men in a Chicago hotel -were one day boasting of the business done by their -respective firms, when one of the drummers said:</p> - -<p>No house in the country, I am proud to say, has -more men and women pushing its line of goods than -mine.</p> - -<p>What do you sell? he was asked.</p> - -<p>Baby carriages! shouted the drummer, as he fled -from the room.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Mayor’s secretary, William P. Ryan, was commenting -on the way in which many illiterate persons -seem to get along in the world, says the Chicago Journal.</p> - -<p>The late William J. Carrol used to tell a good story -along this line, said Mr. Ryan. He had business -connected with the collection of rents which used to -take him to a certain place on the eastern shore at -intervals. On one occasion he went into a store -there, the proprietor of which could neither read nor -write. While he was there a man came in who was -evidently a regular customer.</p> - -<p>I owe you money, don’t I? he said to the storekeeper.</p> - -<p>The latter went to the door and turned it around -so that the back was visible.</p> - -<p>That’s so, he replied—you owe me for a cheese.</p> - -<p>A cheese? replied the customer. No, I don’t.</p> - -<p>The storekeeper looked at the door again.</p> - -<p>That’s so, he said, it’s a grindstone; I didn’t see -the dot in the middle.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_21"></a>[21]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Can I get off tomorrow?</p> - -<p>You’ve been off a good deal lately.</p> - -<p>I want to get my eyes examined.</p> - -<p>Well, get a good job done. You’ll be looking for -work after the first.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Henry, where on earth have you been? asked -Mrs. Jollykid when Henry got home at two bells.</p> - -<p>I cannot tell a lie; I’ve been at the office, said -Henry.</p> - -<p>That’s where we differ. I can tell a lie—when -I hear it.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>He had been out late. When he reached his -residence the church clock was chiming 5. Heavy, -weary, disgusted, he opened the front door with some -difficulty, and softly toiled up the stairs, entering -his bedchamber with elaborate caution.</p> - -<p>Thank goodness, she was asleep!</p> - -<p>He dropped into a chair, and without taking off -his coat or hat, began to remove his shoes. One he -placed with great care upon the floor, but alas! as -he took off the other it slipped out of his hand and -fell with a loud noise.</p> - -<p>Wifey awoke on the instant.</p> - -<p>She looked at him and then at the summer sunlight -that streamed through the blinds.</p> - -<p>Why, George, what are you getting up so early -for?</p> - -<p>Talk about reprieves!</p> - -<p>Why, my dear, replied George, with the clearest -enunciation of which he was capable. I found I -couldn’t sleep, so I thought I’d get up and go out -and take a walk.</p> - -<p>And out the poor wretch went, dragging himself -round wearily for an hour upon the verge of tears -and torpor.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_22"></a>[22]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Do you think it healthy to keep your hogs in the -house? a social investigator asked a native of -Arkansas.</p> - -<p>Waal, I donno, he drawled. But I been akeepin’ -my hawgs there for fourteen years and I ain’t never -lost one on ’em yet.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Three artists were trying to see who had painted -the most realistic picture.</p> - -<p>Why, I painted a picture of Abraham Lincoln -which was so lifelike that I had to shave it every -day, said the first artist.</p> - -<p>Oh, that’s nothing, said the second. I once -painted a picture of a piece of marble which was so -like one that when I threw it in some water it splashed -like real marble and sank.</p> - -<p>Why, that’s nothing, said the third, I painted a -picture of a hen, and, thinking it no good, threw it -in the waste-basket, and it laid there.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Not a few people lose their wits in the midst of a -fire. They will toss a costly vase out of the window, -but carry the tongs carefully downstairs and out to a -place of safety. They remind us of one of the anecdotes -of Mark Twain when he was a Mississippi -River pilot, as told in St. Nicholas.</p> - -<p>Boys, said the great humorist to a group of his -friends—I had great presence of mind once. It was -at a fire. An old man leaned out of a four-story -building calling for help. Everybody in the crowd -below looked up, but nobody did anything. The -ladders weren’t long enough. Nobody had any -presence of mind—nobody but me. I came to the -rescue. I yelled for a rope. When it came I threw -the old man the end of it. He caught it, and I told -him to tie it around his waist. He did so, and I -pulled him down!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_23"></a>[23]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Arkansaw Native—How much for takin’ the -pictures of my children?</p> - -<p>Photographer—Three dollars a dozen.</p> - -<p>Native—Wa’al, I reckon I’ll have to wait a spell; -I hain’t got but ’leven children at present!</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Hello, Olaf where you ban so long?</p> - -<p>I ban got married.</p> - -<p>That’s good.</p> - -<p>Not so good, my wife’s got two children.</p> - -<p>That’s bad.</p> - -<p>Not so bad, she got $10,000.</p> - -<p>That’s good.</p> - -<p>Not so good, she wouldn’t give me the money.</p> - -<p>That’s bad.</p> - -<p>Not so bad, she built a house.</p> - -<p>That’s good.</p> - -<p>Not so good, the house burn down.</p> - -<p>That’s bad.</p> - -<p>Not so bad, my wife burn up in house.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Mark Twain, in his lecturing days, reached a -small Eastern town one afternoon and went before -dinner to a barber’s to be shaved.</p> - -<p>You are a stranger in the town, sir? the barber -asked.</p> - -<p>Yes, I am a stranger here, was the reply.</p> - -<p>We’re having a good lecture here to-night, sir, -said the barber. A Mark Twain lecture. Are you -going to it?</p> - -<p>Yes. I think I will, said Mr. Clemens.</p> - -<p>Have you got your ticket yet? the barber asked.</p> - -<p>No, not yet, said the other.</p> - -<p>Then, sir, you’ll have to stand.</p> - -<p>Dear me! Mr. Clemens exclaimed. It seems as -if I always do have to stand when I hear that man -Twain lecture.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_24"></a>[24]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Pompous Mistress—Who is that man at the door, -Hannah?</p> - -<p>New Girl—He says he’s the rent collector, ma’am.</p> - -<p>Pompous Mistress—But, Hannah, we don’t pay -rent.</p> - -<p>New Girl—That’s what he says, ma’am.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Mrs. M.’s patience was much tried by a servant -who had a habit of standing around with her mouth -open. One day as the maid waited upon table, her -mouth was open as usual, and her mistress giving -her a severe look, said:</p> - -<p>Mary, your mouth is open.</p> - -<p>Yessum, replied Mary, I opened it.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>An English sailor was watching a Chinaman who -was placing a dish of rice by a grave.</p> - -<p>When do you expect your friend to come out and -eat that? the sailor asked.</p> - -<p>Same time as your frien’ come out to smelle -flowers you fellow put, retorted Li.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>She was a four-flusher, particularly as to her abilities -in various sports.</p> - -<p>Do you golf? he asked.</p> - -<p>Oh, I love golf, she answered. I play at least -thirty-six holes twice a week.</p> - -<p>And how about tennis?</p> - -<p>I won the woman’s state championship in our -State.</p> - -<p>And do you swim?</p> - -<p>The best I ever did was a half mile straight away, -she replied.</p> - -<p>Somewhat fatigued, he changed to literature.</p> - -<p>And how do you like Kipling? he asked.</p> - -<p>I kippled an hour only yesterday, was her unblushing -reply.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_25"></a>[25]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Smith—Well, but if you can’t bear her, whatever -made you propose?</p> - -<p>Jones—Well, we had danced three times, and I -couldn’t think of anything else to say.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Francis Wilson tells an anecdote of Mark Twain’s -aversion to barbers. It appears that a barber having -kept Mr. Clemens in the chair for more than the usual -period at length finished shaving him and said, Shall -I go over it again?</p> - -<p>No, drawled Mark, I heard every damned word of it.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>You might as well admit your guilt, said the -detective. The man whose house you broke into -positively identifies you as the burglar.</p> - -<p>That’s funny, said the burglar.</p> - -<p>What’s funny? asked the detective.</p> - -<p>How could he identify me when he had his head -under the bedclothes all the time I was in his room?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Mark Twain once addressed an audience in the -interest of his fellow townsman, General Joseph -Hawley, who was a candidate for re-election to the -United States Senate, and said, in the course of a -droll address—General Hawley deserves your support, -although he has about as much influence in -purifying the Senate as a bunch of flowers would have -in sweetening a glue factory. But he’s all right; he -never would turn any poor beggar away from his -door empty handed. He always gives them something—almost -without exception a letter of introduction -to me, urging me to help them.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_26"></a>[26]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Wallingford is entertaining a number of men at -the hotel who have invested several thousands of -dollars in his wildcat scheme. A newspaper man -comes in and asks him:</p> - -<p>Is this a surprise party, Mr. Wallingford?</p> - -<p>No, but it will be later on.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>On a suburban trolley car the other day a man got -on who was badly under the influence of liquor. He -got a seat and made himself quite offensive to an old -lady who sat near him. When the conductor came -around for his fare this old lady jumped up and said:</p> - -<p>Conductor, do you allow drunken people on this -car?</p> - -<p>No, madam, replied the conductor, but sit down -and nobody will notice you.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A good story is told of the troubles of an engaged -couple. Not long ago there was a quarrel between -the two which resulted in their not speaking to each -other; but it became necessary, by reason of certain -business questions, for the young man to call on her -father at the house.</p> - -<p>To the embarrassment of the lover the door was -answered by the fair girl herself. Although the -young man afterward confessed, his heart beat -rapidly at the sight of his beloved, he managed to -effect an air of indifference and coldness, and to ask:</p> - -<p>Does Mr. Cash live here?</p> - -<p>He does, was the frigid reply.</p> - -<p>Is he at home?</p> - -<p>He is not.</p> - -<p>Then turning to go, the young man added:</p> - -<p>Thank you, I shall call again. But the girl was -equal to the occasion.</p> - -<p>Pardon me, said she, in the same cool tone, but -whom shall I say called?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_27"></a>[27]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>You have a model husband, said the lady who -was congratulating the bride.</p> - -<p>The next day the bride bethought her to look up -the word “model” in the dictionary, and this is what -she found: MODEL—A small imitation of the real -thing.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A man whose business troubled him greatly was -advised to advertise for an Official Worrier. He did -so, and among the applicants was a strong, serious, -impressive man.</p> - -<p>Are you prepared, asked the business man, to -take over the burdens of the business?</p> - -<p>I am, was the reply.</p> - -<p>And what is your charge?</p> - -<p>$10,000 a year.</p> - -<p>Good; the job is yours. I am off for a week’s -golfing. On his return he was confronted with this -statement:</p> - -<p>I have been through your books. I find that -your assets are far below your liabilities; you have -very little stock on hand; no orders; you owe a -tremendous amount of money and you are heavily -overdrawn at the bank. What I want to know is, -where am I going to get my salary from?</p> - -<p>You ask me? said the business man. I should -worry about your salary. That is your job. What -do you think you are hired for?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A curious inquirer wanted to know “What are -the sister States?” and the brilliant country editor -answered—</p> - -<p>We are not quite sure, but we should judge that -they are Miss Ouri, Ida Ho, Mary Land, Callie -Fornia, Allie Bama, Louisa Anna, Delia Ware, Minnie -Sota and Mrs. Sippi.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_28"></a>[28]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A German cobbler and his wife had two dogs—a -St. Bernard, six months old, and a fox terrier, three -years old. A friend, calling one day, said to the -cobbler. Those are two fine dogs you have.</p> - -<p>Yes, replied the cobbler, und de funny part of it -iss dat de biggest dog is the littlest one.</p> - -<p>His wife then spoke up and explained: You -must mine husband egscuse; he spheaks not very -goot English. He means de oldest dog is the -youngest one.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>There is a joke being told here at the expense of -a modest young bookkeeper which is so good it ought -to be true.</p> - -<p>The young man in question, it appears, was recently -invited to a party at a residence where the -home had recently been blessed with an addition to -the family.</p> - -<p>Accompanied by his best girl he met his kind -hostess at the door and after customary salutations -asked after the welfare of the baby.</p> - -<p>The lady was suffering from a severe cold, which -made her slightly deaf, and she mistakenly supposed -that the young man was inquiring about her cold.</p> - -<p>She replied that she usually had one every winter -but this was the worse she had ever had; it kept -her awake at night a good deal at first and confined -her to her bed.</p> - -<p>Then noticing that the young bookkeeper was -becoming pale and nervous, she said that she could -see by his looks that he was going to have one just -like hers and asked him if he wished to lie down.</p> - -<p>The books were posted just the same next day -but the young bookkeeper has given up inquiring -about babies.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_29"></a>[29]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>George, you may bring me two fried eggs, some -ham, a pot of coffee and some rolls, said the man to -the waiter.</p> - -<p>Yes, sir.</p> - -<p>His companion said, you may bring me the same. -No; just eliminate the eggs.</p> - -<p>Yes, sir.</p> - -<p>In a moment the waiter returned.</p> - -<p>Excuse me, sir, but what did you say about them -eggs?</p> - -<p>I merely told you to eliminate them.</p> - -<p>Yes, sir. And he hurried away to the kitchen.</p> - -<p>In two minutes he came back once more, leaned -confidently and penitently over the table and said—</p> - -<p>We had a bad accident this morning, sir, an’ the -limitator got busted off, right at the handle. Will -you take them fried, same as this gentleman?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>J. M. Carter, the well known architect of New -York, once went into the country to look at an -opera-house that was to be enlarged and altered. -The owner of the place stood on the stage, and -Carter walked about the auditorium. We talked -in loud tones, but though I was only half way back -I could hardly hear the man.</p> - -<p>The acoustics are bad here. Let’s go outside, I -shouted finally.</p> - -<p>What? said the owner.</p> - -<p>The acoustics, I repeated, are bad.</p> - -<p>The acoustics?</p> - -<p>Yes.</p> - -<p>Well, what about them?</p> - -<p>I say the acoustics are bad.</p> - -<p>Indeed? I don’t smell anything, said the owner, -sniffing about.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_30"></a>[30]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The husband arrived home much later than usual -from the office. He took off his boots and stole into -the bedroom. His wife began to stir. Quickly the -panic-stricken man went to the cradle of his firstborn -and began to rock it vigorously.</p> - -<p>What are you doing there, Robert? queried his wife.</p> - -<p>I’ve been sitting here for nearly two hours trying -to get this baby to sleep, he growled.</p> - -<p>Why, Robert, I’ve got him here in bed with me, -replied his wife.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Absalom Foote, an eccentric old man, who had -grown tired of life in the city, decided to move to -some smaller town, free from the roar of traffic, the -bustle and confusion of the thronging multitude, -where he could end his days tranquilly, as became a -man of his age. In casting about for a location, -his eyes chanced to light upon the advertisement in -a village paper of one Thomas R. Foote, who wanted -to dispose of his boot and shoe store at a bargain, -having made up his mind to remove to the city.</p> - -<p>That’s the very thing, he said, selling shoes is a -very nice, easy occupation. It will give me just -enough to do to keep me from stagnating, and it -won’t wear me out with overwork. I’ll investigate -it. It’s queer, though, that his name is Foote, my -name is Foote, he wants to come to the city, and I -want to go to the country.</p> - -<p>A visit to the little town decided him. He liked -its appearance and location. He was pleased, moreover, -with Foote’s shoe store, and bought it good -will and all, at a bargain.</p> - -<p>Well, said the other Mr. Foote, you won’t have -to change the sign.</p> - -<p>No, he answered slowly, I’ll just add a little to it.</p> - -<p>The next day he added this, just below the sign—</p> - -<p>This place has changed feet.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_31"></a>[31]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Speaking of cold storage eggs, a correspondent -sends in a story that may be new to some readers; -at any rate it sounds plausible. A middle-aged -bachelor was in a restaurant at breakfast, when he -noticed this inscription on the egg—</p> - -<p>To Whom it May Concern—Should this meet the -eye of some young man who desires to marry a -farmer’s daughter, 18 years of age, kindly communicate -with ⸺, Sparta, N. J.</p> - -<p>After reading this, he made haste to write to the -girl, offering marriage, and in a few days received -this note—</p> - -<p>Too late. I am married now and have four -children.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Mr. Ananias came home one night and was received -very icily by his wife. He immediately -assumed the defensive. It was not until after dinner -that he dared ask his wife what the trouble was. -Trouble, said she, why when I sent your suit to the -tailor this morning I found this memorandum in your -pocket, “Gwendolyn, Lenox 1020.”</p> - -<p>Why, said Ananias, of course you know what -that means. That is a racing tip. Gwendolyn is a -horse, Lenox a jockey, and 1020 the racing odds. I -am going to the races tomorrow and will play Gwendolyn -at one to two.</p> - -<p>The wife admitted her suspicions and begged -forgiveness for doubting the fidelity of her beloved -for one moment.</p> - -<p>The next night Ananias came home very late -from the races. Are you asleep, he whispered to his -wife who was in bed with her face to the wall. No, -she answered in distinct and hissing tones. You had -better call up Lenox 1020, your horse wants to speak -to you.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_32"></a>[32]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Two men were waiting for a train and one said—I -will ask you a question, and if I can not answer my -own question, I will buy the tickets. Then you ask -a question, and if you can not answer your own, you -buy the tickets. The other agreed to this. Well, -the first man said, you see those rabbit-holes? How -do they dig those holes without leaving any dirt -around them? The other confessed—I don’t know. -That’s your question, so answer it yourself. The -first man winked and replied—They begin at the -bottom and dig up! But, said the second man, how -do they get at the bottom to begin? That’s your -question, was the first man’s rejoinder. Answer it -yourself. The other man bought the tickets.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Here is an incident that a Chanute man tells as -having occurred in a certain Kansas town. He was -in the ticket office and watched the proceedings.</p> - -<p>A man came up to the window and asked for a -ticket to Kansas City, inquiring the price.</p> - -<p>Two twenty-five, said the agent.</p> - -<p>The man dug down into a well-worn pocketbook -and fished out a bill. It was a banknote for $2. -It was also all the money he had.</p> - -<p>How soon does this train go? he inquired.</p> - -<p>In fifteen minutes, replied the agent.</p> - -<p>The man hurried away. Soon he was back with -three silver dollars, with which he bought a ticket.</p> - -<p>Pardon my curiosity, said the ticket seller, but -how did you get that money? It isn’t a loan, for I -see you have disposed of the $2 bill.</p> - -<p>That’s all right, said the man. No, I didn’t -borrow. I went to a pawnshop and soaked the bill -for $1.50. Then as I started back here I met an old -acquaintance, to whom I sold the pawn for $1.50. -I then had $3, and he has the pawn ticket for which -the $2 bill stands as security.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_33"></a>[33]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>An aged Jersey farmer, visiting a circus for the -first time, stood before the dromedary’s cage, eyes -popping and mouth agape at the strange beast -within. The circus proper began and the crowds -left for the main show, but still the old man stood -before the cage in stunned silence, appraising every -detail of the misshapen legs, the cloven hoofs, the -pendulous upper lip, and the curiously moulded back -of the sleepy-eyed beast. Fifteen minutes passed. -Then the farmer turned away and spat disgustedly.</p> - -<p>Hell! There ain’t no such animal!</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>They were playing poker in a Western town. One -of the players was a stranger, and was getting a nice -trimming. Finally the sucker saw one of the players -give himself three aces from the bottom of the pack.</p> - -<p>The sucker turned to the man beside him and -said: Did you see that?</p> - -<p>See what? asked the man.</p> - -<p>Why, that fellow dealt himself three aces from -the bottom of the deck, said the sucker.</p> - -<p>Well, what about it? asked the man. It was -his deal, wasn’t it?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>At a dinner given by a political club in New -York recently, a man who is unusually young for one -who has attained to such prominence in his profession -was for the first time in his life set down for -a response to one of the toasts. When at last he -was called on, his beardless face flushed and his -manner was very embarrassed. Nevertheless he -stood up and thus delivered himself: Gentlemen, -before I entered this room, I had an excellent speech -prepared. Only God and myself knew what I was -going to say. Now God alone knows. And he -sat down.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_34"></a>[34]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>That feller Morgan Buttles is terrible unpopular, -said one mountaineer.</p> - -<p>We’ll have to git rid o’ him somehow, replied -the old moonshiner.</p> - -<p>Yes. But we don’t want to do nothin’ in a way -that ain’t legitimate an’ customary. You know he -has political ambitions.</p> - -<p>I’ve heard so. But he ain’t got no pull.</p> - -<p>Yes, he has. An’ you an’ your relations want -to stand back o’ me when I put the case up to our -Congressman. We’ll git Buttles app’inted a revenue -inspector, an’ then let nature take its course.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A writer says in regard to the Prussia of fifty -years ago that it had a state lottery, and in every -town, large or small, was a collector appointed to -sell tickets. One day a servant-girl came to the -collector in Hagen and asked if she could buy -No. 23.</p> - -<p>He did not have it in his possession, but as the girl -seemed very much in earnest, and refused to be put -off with any other number, he tried to obtain it -from some of the other collectors in town, and -finally succeeded.</p> - -<p>The drawing took place, and Hagen rose to a -state of feverish excitement when it was known that -this girl had become a winner of a large sum of -money. She found herself for a time the chief -object of interest in the town.</p> - -<p>She was, of course, asked how she came to fix -upon No. 23. Thereupon she gave this simple and -lucid explanation:</p> - -<p>I dreamed one night No. 7, and the second night -I dreamed No. 7, and a third night again. So I -thought, Three times seven makes twenty-three, -and I bought that number.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_35"></a>[35]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A short time since two young women entered a -tramcar in Manchester, England, and found only -standing room. One of them whispered to her -companion, I am going to get a seat from one of -these men. You just take notice.</p> - -<p>She selected a sedate-looking man, sailed up -to him, and boldly opened fire.</p> - -<p>My dear Mr. Green, how delighted I am to meet -you! You are almost a stranger! Will I accept -your seat? Well I do feel tired, I heartily admit! -Thank you, so much!</p> - -<p>The sedate man, a perfect stranger, of course, -quietly gave her his seat, saying:</p> - -<p>Sit down, Jane, my girl; don’t often see you out -on washing day. How’s your mistress?</p> - -<p>The young lady got her seat, but lost her vivacity.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A number of years ago, when the present second -Assistant Secretary of State, Alvey A. Adee, was -third assistant, an employe of the State department -was called to the phone.</p> - -<p>Will you kindly give me the name of the Third -Assistant Secretary of State? asked the voice at the -other end of the wire.</p> - -<p>Adee.</p> - -<p>A. D. what?</p> - -<p>A. A. Adee.</p> - -<p>Spell it, please.</p> - -<p>A.</p> - -<p>Yes.</p> - -<p>A.</p> - -<p>Yes.</p> - -<p>A—</p> - -<p>You go to hell! and the receiver was indignantly -hung up.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_36"></a>[36]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The following reply to a dun was actually received -by one local customer.</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p class="noindent">Dear Sir—</p> - -<p>I received your letter about what I owes you. -Now be pachent. I aint forgot you and as soon as -foks pays me I’ll pay you.</p> - -<p>If this was judgment day and you no more prepared -to met your God than I am your account, -your shor going to Hell.</p> - -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The editor of the “Hardeman Free Press” says:</p> - -<p>We fell asleep in a chair at Grand Junction last -Wednesday night on our way home from Memphis -in our usual soaked condition and let our train leave -us. The hotel clerk told us to go upstairs and take -the room on the right side of the hall with the lamp -burning low. He sed he was crowded and we would -have to double up with a man. We went up and -pulled off our things and went to bed without waking -our bedfellow, who was sleeping sound with the sheet -over his head to keep off the muskeeters. Before -we fell into the arms of morphine we seen a young -lady and a young gent come in and set down by the -winder. At first they talked so low we could not -hear what they sed. Finally we heard the little -miss say: Wallie, ain’t you ashamed to try to kiss -me right here where we air setting up with a dead -person? We felt cureous. We slowly reached over -and touched the nose of the man we wus in bed with, -and seen at a glance that he was dead alright. We -riz up instantly, and it was a race to a finish twixt -us three fer the bottom of the steps. It is useless -to say we was furst past the post by two lengths. -We didn’t skeer that couple any wuse than the corpse -skeered us. We walked through the country to -Bolivar and wired for our clothes by express.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_37"></a>[37]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Hello, is this you, Abe?</p> - -<p>Sure, it’s me.</p> - -<p>This is Abe Potash I’m talking to?</p> - -<p>Yes, yes. What do you want?</p> - -<p>Well, Abe, I want to borrow fifty dollars for—</p> - -<p>All right. I’ll tell him as soon as he comes in.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>While a customer in one of our prominent stores -on Fourth street, I saw an unusually amazing incident. -A lady of stupendous dimensions, stylishly attired, -entered the store and seated herself to be waited -upon. Soon a bald-headed clerk came up to serve -her. After rejecting this pair and that, she decided -on some brown oxfords. The clerk knelt down to -lace them, and she gazed about the room. Suddenly -she looked down and saw the bald head. Thinking -that it was her roller-topped knee, she modestly -drew her skirt over it.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Colonel Phil Thompson tells of the trials experienced -by a friend of his who recently acquired a -new stenographer. The dear little thing is a trifle -weak in orthography but Thompson’s friend has -been loath to call her down, in view of the fact that -she tries so hard to please. He is too big-hearted -to discharge the girl, for she needs the money; so -he corrects the spelling.</p> - -<p>Recently, however, he was forced to call her -attention to the fact that in a letter of some seventy-five -words, she had committed eight errors, among -which was “fourty”.</p> - -<p>My, my! exclaimed the friend. This won’t -do, you know; I can’t stand for forty spelt this way!</p> - -<p>The willing worker looked over his shoulder at -the offending word; Gracious! she exclaimed, how -careless of me! I left out the “gh,” didn’t I?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_38"></a>[38]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Ikey—I got into a fight last week, and a man -kicked me in de synagogue.</p> - -<p>Jakey—Ver is de synagogue?</p> - -<p>Ikey—In de temple.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>This is the true story of a resourceful motorist. -Of the ethics of it, there is no condoning. A traffic -law in a New England city forbids the parking of -cars on the principal business street. A citizen -who understood this, was sure he could stop his -car, deliver a message and be back in his seat all -in a moment. But he was detained. Also he forgot. -When he came out a policeman stood by his -automobile. Did the man go to his car? He did -not. He hurried to his office: He telephoned to -police headquarters: My car (giving a detailed -description) has been stolen. In a half hour this -reply: An officer has found your car. It is here -at headquarters. Come and get it. He did. Profuse -thanks. Was it clever?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A certain young man wrote the following letter -to a prominent business firm, ordering a razor.</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>Dear Sirs—Please find enclosed 50c for one of -your razors as advertised and oblige,</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">John Jones.</span></p> - -<p>P. S.—I forgot to enclose the 50c but no doubt a -firm of your high standing will send the razor anyway.</p> - -</div> - -<p>The firm addressed received the letter and replied -as follows—</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p>Dear Sir—Your most valued order received the -other day and will say in reply that we are sending -the razor as per request, and hope that it will prove -satisfactory.</p> - -<p>P. S.—We forgot to enclose the razor, but no -doubt a man with your cheek will have no need of it.</p> - -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_39"></a>[39]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Can any lady or gentleman in the audience lend -me a ten dollar gold piece? asked the professor of -magic.</p> - -<p>On vot, eagerly shouted the pawnbroker in -the front row.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A Philadelphia business man tells this story on -himself.</p> - -<p>You know in this city there are two telephone -companies, he said, and in my office I have a telephone -of each company. Last week I hired a new -office boy, and one of his duties was to answer the -telephone. The other day, when one of the bells -rang, he answered the call and then came in and -told me I was wanted on the ’phone by my wife.</p> - -<p>Which one? I inquired quickly, thinking of the -two telephones, of course.</p> - -<p>Please, sir, stammered the boy, I don’t know how -many you have.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>William Blue was an engineer in the employ of -one of the trunk railway lines in this State. One -of his duties was to haul the through freight over the -Western division, and his pet engine was No. 2. One -night he had an accident. One of the flues in the -boiler of his pet engine flew out and he was stalled, -blocking the main line. He reported the matter to -the division superintendent unwittingly as follows—</p> - -<p>Engine two blew out a flue; what’ll I do?—Bill -Blue.</p> - -<p>Then he sat down to wait instructions. This is -what came over the wires from the superintendent’s -office twenty minutes later.</p> - -<p>Bill Blue—You plug that flue in engine two and -pull her through in time to get out of the way of -twenty-two.</p> - -<p>This order is stuck up in the cab of engine 2.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_40"></a>[40]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Friend—My, vot a rotten cigar you giff me.</p> - -<p>Storekeeper—You should worry. You got vun, -I got five hundred!</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Mother—Rachel, your beau was here to see -you last night.</p> - -<p>Kate—Oh, was he?</p> - -<p>Mother—No, not Wuzzy, Izzy.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I hear you give your little boy a quarter every -week for behavior, Ignatz.</p> - -<p>Sure, but I fool him. I told him the gas meter -was a little bank I bought him.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>At the luncheon to Nahum Sokolow, the Jewish -journalist, attended by New York editors, Adolph -Ochs, of the Times, told of a Jew who came to Bishop -Potter, stating that he desired to embrace Christianity. -The Bishop arranged for him to have a -talk with one of the curates, but the applicant was -insistent and said he wanted to join right away.</p> - -<p>Why are you in such a hurry? inquired the -Bishop.</p> - -<p>Well, my family done me dirt and I want to -disgrace them.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A dying man once sent for an Arkansas editor, -who hastened to the death-bed with more alacrity, -as he had no heirs. I’m glad you’ve come, said the -old man in a deathly whisper. Come closer. The -editor approached. You know I have worked hard, -and that I have earned every cent I have got. Some -time ago, you remember, I subscribed for your paper -for six months. There is just one more number due -me, and as I am dying and can’t wait until your -next issue comes out, just give me a nickel and we’ll -call it square.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_41"></a>[41]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The following missive was received by the forest -ranger of the Pasadena district and read recently at -the annual dinner of the Sierra Club in Los Angeles. -Kind and Respected Cir—</p> - -<p>I see in the paper that a man named J⸺ -S⸺ was atacted and et up by a bare whose -cubs he was trying to git when the she bare came up -and stopt him by eatin him up in the mountains -near your town. What i want to know is did it kill -him or was he only partly et up am he from this -place and all about the bare. I don’t know but -what he is a distant husband of mine. My first -husband was of that name and I supposed he was -killed in the war but the name of the man the bare -et being the same i thought it might be him after -all and i thought to know if he wasn’t killed either -in the war or by the bare for i have been married -twice since and their ought to be divorce papers got -out by him or me if the bare did not eat him all up. -If it is him you will know it by him having six toes -on the left foot. He also sings base and has a spread -eagle tattoed on his front chest and a ankor on his -right arm which you will know him if the bare did -not eat up these parts of him. If alive don’t tell -him I am married to J⸺ W⸺ for he -never liked J⸺. Mebbe you had better let -on as if i am ded but find out all you can about him -without him knowing anything what it is for. That -is if the bare did not eat him all up. If it did i don’t -see you can do anything and you needn’t take any -trouble. My respeks to your family and please -ancer back.</p> - -<p>P. S.—Was the bare killed. Also was he married -again and did he leave any property worth me laying -claim to?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_42"></a>[42]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>An advertisement in a newspaper calling for a -“first-class bookkeeper at $3 a week” drew forth the -following answer, the only one attracted by the -munificent salary.</p> - -<p>I am a young man, thirty-seven years of age, -having had a business experience of twenty-three -years, being connected with the United States Embassy -at Madagascar, and feel confident if you will -give me a trial I can prove my worth to you. I am -not only an expert bookkeeper, proficient stenographer -and typewriter, excellent operator and erudite college -graduate, but have several other accomplishments -which might make me desirable. I am an experienced -snow shoveler, a first-class peanut roaster, -have some knowledge of removing superfluous hair -and clipping puppy dogs’ ears, have a medal for -reciting “Curfew Shall Not Ring Tonight.” Am a -skilled chiropodist and practical farmer, can also -cook, take care of horses, crease trousers, open -oysters and repair umbrellas. Being possessed of -great physical beauty, I would not only be useful, but -would be ornamental as well, lending to the sacred -precincts of your office that delightful artistic charm -that a Satsuma vase or stuffed billy-goat would. -As to salary, I would feel I was robbing the widow -and swiping the sponge cake from the orphan if I -was to take advantage of your munificence by accepting -the too fabulous sum of $3 per week, and I -would be entirely willing to give you my services for -less, and by accepting $1.37 per week would give -you an opportunity of not only increasing your -donation to the church, pay your butcher and keep -up your life insurance, but also to found a home for -indigent fly-paper salesmen and endow a free bed -in the cat home.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_43"></a>[43]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Private John Allen takes a deep interest in the -advertising business. Advertisements that he deems -exceptionally good he clips out and pastes in a scrap-book. -As he was showing this scrap-book to a guest -one day, he said:</p> - -<p>But the best ad I know of is not in here. For -it wasn’t written, but spoken. It earned its originator -some thousands of dollars, yet I can never -show it. I can only describe it, and description -fails to do it justice.</p> - -<p>It was the work of a clothier in Nashville. He -had, with his partner, the first establishment in -town, and the business of the firm was considered -very prosperous. The two men had married sisters, -and their relationship was more than friendly. -Hence the greatest surprise overtook Nashville -when the junior partner suddenly took out a summons -and hauled his senior into court.</p> - -<p>The senior partner is ruining the business, gossip -said. He is getting softening of the brain, or paresis, -or something of that sort. Now is the height of -the spring season, when they ought to be making -money hand over fist, but the senior’s cracked -methods are spoiling everything.</p> - -<p>So all Nashville took a tremendous interest in -the case, and on the morning it was called, the -courtroom was crowded as in a murder trial.</p> - -<p>The junior partner’s complaint was presented -strongly and directly. He showed that goods were -being sacrificed at a fraction of their value, and he -asked that this ruinous trading be stopped, lest -ruin ensue.</p> - -<p>The defendant’s lawyer, an able fellow, secured -an adjournment for three weeks.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_44"></a>[44]</span></p> - -<p>On the announcement of this adjournment, the -junior partner gave a loud groan. He leaped to -his feet, and rushed out like one demented, shouting -as he went:</p> - -<p>Merciful heavens, then the sacrifice must still -go on!</p> - -<p>I don’t need to tell you how much business that -firm did in the next three weeks.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Man, born of woman, is of a few days and no -teeth. And, indeed, it would be money in his pocket -sometimes if he had less of either. As for his days, he -wasteth one-third of them, and as for his teeth, he -has convulsions when he cuts them, and as the last -one comes through, lo, the dentist is twisting the -first one out, and the last end of that man’s jaw is -worse than the first, being full of porcelain and a -roof-plate built to hold blackberry seeds.</p> - -<p>Stone bruises line his pathway to manhood; his -father boxes his ears at home, the big boys cuff him -in the play ground, and the teacher whips him in the -school-room. He buyeth Northwestern at 110, when -he hath sold short at 96, and his neighbor unloadeth -upon him Iron Mountain at 65⅝, and it straightway -breaketh down to 52¼. He riseth early and sitteth -up late that he may fill his barns and store-houses, -and lo! his children’s lawyers divide the spoil among -themselves and say, Ha, ha! He growleth and is sore -distressed because it raineth, and he beateth upon -his breast and sayeth, My crop is lost! because it -raineth not. The late rains blight his wheat and -the frost biteth his peaches. If it be so that the -sun shineth, even among the nineties, he sayeth, -Woe is me, for I perish, and if the northwest wind<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_45"></a>[45]</span> -sigheth down in forty-two below he crieth, would -that I were dead! If he wear sackcloth and blue -jeans men say he is a tramp, and if he goeth forth -shaven and clad in purple and fine linen all the people -cry, shoot the dude!</p> - -<p>He carrieth insurance for twenty-five years, until -he hath paid thrice over for all his goods, and then -he letteth his policy lapse one day, and that same -night fire destroyeth his store. He buildeth him a -house in Jersey, and his first born is devoured by -mosquitoes; he pitcheth his tent in New York, and -tramps devour his substance. He moveth to Kansas, -and a cyclone carrieth his house away over into -Missouri, while a prairie fire and ten million acres -of grasshoppers fight for his crop. He settleth himself -in Kentucky, and is shot the next day by a -gentleman, a colonel and a statesman, because, sah, -he resembles, sah, a man, sah, he did not like, sah. -Verily, there is no rest for the sole of his feet, and if -he had it all to do over again he would not be born -at all, for “the day of death is better than the day -of one’s birth.”</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_46"></a>[46]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="Juvenile_Jests"><i>Juvenile Jests</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p>Teacher—Who can make a sentence with gruesome -in it?</p> - -<p>Ikey—The man stopped shaving and grew some -whiskers.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Visitor—How’s your brother, Tommy?</p> - -<p>Tommy—He’s in bed; he hurt himself.</p> - -<p>Visitor—How did he do it?</p> - -<p>Tommy—We were playing who could lean furthest -out of a window, and he won.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A lad sat on the floor playing. Suddenly he set -up a howl.</p> - -<p>Henry, what is the matter? asked the mother.</p> - -<p>The cat scratched me.</p> - -<p>Why, the cat is not here. When did she scratch -you?</p> - -<p>Yesterday.</p> - -<p>Well, why are you crying now?</p> - -<p>’Cause I forgot it then.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>This bit of brightness is said to have cropped -out in a conversation between two misses not old -enough to go to school.</p> - -<p>What makes a horse act naughty when he sees -an auto?</p> - -<p>It is this way—Horses is used to seein’ other -horses pull wagons, and they don’t know what to -think of ’em goin’ along without a horse. Guess if -you saw a pair of pants walkin’ down the street -without a man in ’em you’d be scared, too.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_47"></a>[47]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Little Elsie—Brother Johnny can’t come to -school; he has diphtheria.</p> - -<p>Teacher—Indeed! Where did he get it?</p> - -<p>Little Elsie—In the neck.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The passionate rhythms of “The Merry Widow” -waltz floated through the office, and the boss looked -up from his desk impatiently.</p> - -<p>Frederic, he said, I wish you wouldn’t whistle at -your work.</p> - -<p>I ain’t workin’, sir, the office boy replied calmly. -I’m only just whistlin’.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>After a teacher had recited “The Landing of the -Pilgrims,” she requested each pupil to try to draw -from his or her imagination, a picture of Plymouth -Rock.</p> - -<p>Most of them went to work at once, but one little -fellow hesitated, and at length raised his hand.</p> - -<p>Well, Willie, what is it? asked the teacher.</p> - -<p>Please, ma’am, do you want us to draw a hen or -a rooster?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Here is Jimmie’s essay on pants: Pants are made -for men and not for women. Women are made for -men and not for pants. When a man pants for a -woman and a woman pants for a man they are a -pair of pants. Such pants don’t last. Pants are -like molasses—they are thinner in hot weather and -thicker in cold. Men are often mistaken in pants; -such mistakes are breaches of promise. There has -been much discussion whether pants is singular or -plural. Seems to me when men wear pants it is -plural, and when they don’t wear pants it is singular. -Men go on a tear in their pants and it is all -right, but when the pants go on a tear it is all wrong. -If you want to make pants last, make the coat first.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_48"></a>[48]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Pop, I got in trouble at school today and it’s all -your fault.</p> - -<p>How’s that my son?</p> - -<p>Well, you remember when I asked you how much -a million dollars was?</p> - -<p>Yes, I remember.</p> - -<p>Well, teacher asked me today, and “helluva lot” -isn’t the right answer.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The pupils of a certain school were asked to write -original compositions on “kings.” The prize was -carried off by the youth who handed in the following:</p> - -<p>The most powerful king on earth, is Wor-king; -the laziest, Shir-king; one of the worst kings, Smo-king; -the wittiest, Jo-king; the quietest, Thin-king; -the thirstiest, Drin-king; the slyest, Win-king; the -noisiest, Tal-king.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>At a public school the children were training for -the annual flag day celebration. One boy, in order -to show good reason why he should take a prominent -part in the ceremonies, said that he had a real gun; -another had a pistol; a small girl had a flag, and so on.</p> - -<p>Finally, one tow-haired lad of six came up to the -teacher, and stood waiting for her to see him.</p> - -<p>Well, what is it? she asked.</p> - -<p>I has a union suit, he said.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Now in order to subtract, explained a teacher to -the class in mathematics, things always have to be -of the same denomination. For instance, we couldn’t -take three apples from four years, nor six horses -from nine dogs.</p> - -<p>A hand went up in the back of the room.</p> - -<p>Well, Johnny? smiled the unsuspecting teacher.</p> - -<p>Please, ma’am! shouted the boy, can’t you take -four quarts of milk from three cows?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_49"></a>[49]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Little Elizabeth and her mother were having -luncheon together, and the mother, who always tried -to impress facts upon her young daughter, said—</p> - -<p>These little sardines, Elizabeth, are sometimes -eaten by the larger fish.</p> - -<p>Elizabeth gazed at the sardines in wonder, and -then asked—</p> - -<p>But, mother, how do the large fish get the cans open?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A teacher had been telling her class of boys -recently that worms had become so numerous that -they destroyed the crops, and it was necessary to -import the sparrow to exterminate them. The sparrows -multiplied very fast and were gradually driving -away our native birds.</p> - -<p>Johnny was apparently very inattentive, and the -teacher, thinking to catch him napping, said—</p> - -<p>Johnny, which is worse, to have worms or sparrows?</p> - -<p>Johnny hesitated a moment and then replied: -Please, I never had the sparrows.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>George, George, mind; your hat will be blown off -if you lean so far out of the window! exclaimed a -fond father to his little son, who was traveling with -him in a railway carriage. Quickly snatching the -hat from the head of the refractory youngster, papa -hid it behind his back.</p> - -<p>There, now, the hat has gone! he cried, pretending -to be angry. And George immediately set up a -howl. After a time the father remarked—</p> - -<p>Come, be quiet; if I whistle your hat will come -back again.</p> - -<p>Then he whistled and replaced the hat on the -boy’s head. There, it’s back again, you see. Afterward, -while papa was talking to mamma, a small, -shrill voice was heard saying—</p> - -<p>Papa, papa, I’ve thrown my hat out of the -window! Whistle again, will you?</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_50"></a>[50]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="Frenzied_Finance"><i>Frenzied Finance</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p>The bank teller in a snippy way said: But I don’t -know you, madam!</p> - -<p>The woman was red-headed, and she got red-headed -in a minute. She said: Oh, yes, you do. -I don’t need anyone to identify me. I’m the red-headed -hen next door to you whose “imps of boys” -are always running across your garden. When you -started to town this morning your wife said: Now, -Henry, if you want a dinner fit to eat this evening, -you’ll have to leave me a little money. I can’t keep -this house on Christian Science.</p> - -<p>Here is your money, interrupted the paying teller -very faintly.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>In order that his wife might become better -acquainted with business methods, Mr. Ferguson -handed $100 to her, and instructed her to deposit it -in bank in her own name and pay her bills thereafter -with checks.</p> - -<p>Several weeks afterward she came to him in a -high state of indignation.</p> - -<p>George, she said, the other day those people down -at the bank wrote me a note and told me I had overdrawn -my account—whatever that is—and that I -would have to send them $4.75 to balance it. I sent -it to them right away, but it didn’t satisfy them. -They’re bothering me about it again.</p> - -<p>You sent the $4.75?</p> - -<p>Yes. Same day.</p> - -<p>Well, that’s—by the way, Laura, how did you -send it?</p> - -<p>I sent them a check for it, of course.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_51"></a>[51]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Some few days ago a Louisville banker was -approached by an impecunious farmer for a loan. -Now at times this banker is deaf for commercial purposes. -The farmer was chronically wanting to borrow, -and his security was getting shaky. I’d like to -borrow five thousand, pleaded the farmer. The -banker cupped his hand to his ear and said: Speak -a little louder and cut down the amount.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Thousands of girls are sent out into the world -with what is called finished educations, who cannot -even give a proper receipt for money, to say nothing -of drawing a promissory note, a draft or a bill, or -understanding the significance and importance of -business contracts.</p> - -<p>Such a woman presented a check for payment to -the paying teller of her bank. He passed it back to -her with the request that she be kind enough to indorse -it. The lady wrote on the back of the check, -I have done business with this bank for many years, -and I believe it to be all right. Mrs. James B. Brown.</p> - -<p>Another society woman in New York presented a -check for payment at the bank, and the teller told -her that it was not signed. Oh, do they have to be -signed? she replied. What an awful lot of red tape -there is about a banking business.</p> - -<p>I know of a lady whose husband made a deposit -for her in a bank and gave her a check book so that -she could pay her bills without annoying him. One -day she received a notice from the bank that her -account was overdrawn. She went to the bank and -told the teller that there must be some mistake about -it, because she still had a lot of checks left in her book. -She knew so little about business that she thought -she could keep drawing any amount until the checks -were all gone.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_52"></a>[52]</span></p> - -<p>Among the more recent stories of feminine banking -is one of a young lady who in a fit of abstraction -signed a check, Your loving Susie. A still later anecdote -is this, from one of our exchanges:</p> - -<p>A fund was being raised in New York for the -benefit of sufferers by a great disaster, and a certain -rich but illiterate woman was approached upon the -subject.</p> - -<p>Oh, I shouldn’t mind sending the money, she said, -but I do hate to have my name in all the papers.</p> - -<p>But that could be easily arranged, said the gentleman -who had opened the subject.</p> - -<p>Why, yes, of course, remarked the woman, I -could send an anonymous check. Why didn’t I think -of that before?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Four or five ladies bustled into a private office -the other day.</p> - -<p>What can I do for you, ladies? asked the banker -pleasantly.</p> - -<p>Why, began one of the visitors, we are taking up -a subscription and we knew you wouldn’t like it if we -didn’t give you an opportunity to subscribe.</p> - -<p>The banker bowed graciously and asked: And -the object? Of course it is a worthy one, or you would -not be interested in it.</p> - -<p>Yes, sir, replied the spokeswoman, we think it a -very worthy object. It is to build a home for aged -and indigent widows.</p> - -<p>Excellent! Excellent! I shall take pleasure in -making you out a check.</p> - -<p>Oh, how lovely of you! exclaimed the spokeswoman -when she received the bit of paper and read -the amount—one hundred pounds. Oh, we didn’t<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_53"></a>[53]</span> -expect to get that much from you. We are ever so -much obliged.</p> - -<p>So good of him! and similar exclamations were -heard as the check was passed around for the admiration -of the party.</p> - -<p>But, said the lady who handled the check last, -you haven’t signed it.</p> - -<p>That is because I do not wish my benefactions -known to the world, said the banker modestly. I -wish to give the check anonymously. And he bowed -the ladies out with great dignity.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>In a banking office in New Orleans is an aged -bookkeeper who began his connection with the business -the day it was established. As the years went -by, the proprietor, who had started with little, but -was extremely close, amassed an enormous fortune. -The bookkeeper piled up but a small amount of savings.</p> - -<p>At last the twenty-fifth anniversary of the firm -and of the bookkeeper’s services came along. He -remembered it, but thought no one else would. To -his surprise, the proprietor spoke of it at once.</p> - -<p>Williams, he said, do you know what day this is?</p> - -<p>Our twenty-fifth anniversary, sir.</p> - -<p>It is indeed, Williams. And now I have thought -to commemorate the event, and I have put in this -envelope for you a small gift to express my appreciation -of your faithful service.</p> - -<p>The bookkeeper, his hopes raised high, took the -envelope from his employer and opened it. The -token was a photograph of the employer.</p> - -<p>Well? demanded the donor, as the other hesitated. -What do you want to say about it?</p> - -<p>It’s just like you! murmured the bookkeeper. -It’s just like you.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_54"></a>[54]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="Disciples_of_Hippocrates"><i>Disciples of Hippocrates</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p>Aren’t you pretty young to be a practicing -physician? asked the severe-looking female person -sternly.</p> - -<p>Well, you see, I only doctor children, said the -young medico, nervously.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Doctor, are you sure my husband has pneumonia? -I have heard of doctors treating patients for pneumonia -who finally died of typhoid fever.</p> - -<p>Well, madam, I don’t make such blunders. -If I treat a patient for pneumonia, he dies of pneumonia.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Patient—Doctor, it hurts me to breathe. In -fact, the only trouble now seems to be with my -breath.</p> - -<p>Physician—All right. I’ll give you something -that will soon stop that.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A young doctor in a country district was called -one night by an old farmer to his first case. The patient -was the farmer’s son, who was lying on the bed -in much pain. The young medico threw out his chest -and said: This should cause you no alarm. It is -nothing but a corrustified exegesis antispasmodically -emanating from the physical refrigerator, producing -a prolific source of irritability in the pericranial -epidermis.</p> - -<p>The farmer looked at him and replied, just what -I said, but his mother thought it was the stomachache.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_55"></a>[55]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Wife—Now dear, here’s the doctor to see you.</p> - -<p>Merchant Prince—Send him away and fetch -the undertaker! You know I never deal with -middlemen.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A doctor came up to a patient in an insane asylum, -slapped him on the back and said: Well, old man, -you’re all right. You can run along and write -your folks that you’ll be back home in two weeks -as good as new.</p> - -<p>The patient went off gayly to write his letter. He -had it finished and sealed, but when he was licking -the stamp it slipped through his fingers to the floor -lighted on the back of a cockroach that was passing -and stuck. The patient hadn’t seen the cockroach. -What he did see was his escaped postage stamp -zigzagging aimlessly across the floor to the baseboard, -wavering up over the baseboard and following -a crooked track up the wall and across the ceiling. -In depressed silence he tore up the letter that he -had just written and dropped the pieces on the floor.</p> - -<p>Two weeks! Hell! he said. I won’t be out of -here in three years.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>He had just hung out his shingle. That morning -a stranger entered. The doctor asked to be -excused as he hurried to the phone.</p> - -<p>Taking down the receiver, he said: Yes, this -is Dr. Whoosit. Yes, will be ready for you at two-ten -this afternoon. But please be prompt, for I am -very busy. Two hundred dollars? Yes, that was -the estimate I gave you.</p> - -<p>Hanging up the receiver, he turned to the stranger -and rubbing his hands asked: Now, sir, what can -I do for you?</p> - -<p>Nothing, replied the stranger quietly. I only -came in to connect up the telephone.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_56"></a>[56]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The following item is taken from a county officer’s -health report: The patient died of blood poison -from a broken ankle contracted in an automobile -accident, which was a very strange occurrence, -since he was struck between the lamp post and the -radiator.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Herr Doctor, my wife and I are possessed! Can’t -you cure us? What sort of a demon is it possesses -you? Peasant: The fighting demon; it forces us -to come to blows, and we are both sorry for it afterward. -Doctor (making three times the sign of the -cross): Begone, foul demon of discord, begone! -So that was only the preliminary cure, now I will -write a prescription for you. When the fit comes -on again, the one who is not yet begun to scold and -fight is to take the medicine bottle and a spoon and -go out of the room, while the other remains inside. -After ten minutes the first one is to come in again, -count twenty-seven drops into the spoon, and give -them to the other; then the latter is to take the -spoon and count twenty-seven drops and give them -to the first one, after which you shake hands together. -Not a word to be spoken the whole time. Three -months later the peasant came again with his wife: -Herr Doctor, we have come to make you a present -of this ham for having cured us so thoroughly! This -is a true story, and occurred in Holstein.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_57"></a>[57]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="Legal_Luminaries"><i>Legal Luminaries</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p>Yours is certainly an unusual case, said the lawyer, -and it will be necessary to consult a number of books.</p> - -<p>So? queried the client.</p> - -<p>Yes, answered the legal light, and we will begin -with your pocketbook.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>He had finished his speech at a dinner party, and -on seating himself a lawyer rose, shoved his hands -deep into his trousers pockets, as was his habit, and -laughingly inquired of those present:</p> - -<p>Doesn’t it strike this company as a little unusual -that a professional humorist should be funny!</p> - -<p>When the laughter that greeted this sally had -subsided, Mark Twain drawled out—Doesn’t it strike -this company as a little unusual that a lawyer should -have his hands in his own pockets?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>As a prisoner was brought before the judge for -sentence the clerk happened to be absent. The -judge asked the officer in charge of the prisoner what -the offence was with which he was charged.</p> - -<p>Bigotry, your honor. He’s been married to three -women.</p> - -<p>Why, officer, that’s not bigotry, said the judge, -that’s trigonometry.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>There was an old man who was charged with -illicit distilling and was brought up before the court. -The Judge, who was a witty fellow, asked the prisoner -what was his Christian name. The prisoner replied, -Joshua, and the Judge answered, Are you the man that -made the sun shine? and the prisoner replied, No, sir, -your honor; I’m the one that made the moonshine.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_58"></a>[58]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A jury recently met to inquire into a case of -suicide. After sitting through the evidence the -twelve men retired, and, after deliberating, returned -with the following verdict—</p> - -<p>The jury are all of one mind—temporarily insane!</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>In a lawsuit in Pennsylvania not long ago the -question was put to a miner on the witness stand.</p> - -<p>Were you ever hurt in the mines?</p> - -<p>Indade I was, responded the man, I was half -kilt once.</p> - -<p>Now tell the court whether you were injured at -any other time, continued the cross-examiner.</p> - -<p>Yes. I was half kilt in another accident shortly -after that.</p> - -<p>Your Honor, smilingly interjected counsel for the -other side, I object to this man’s testimony.</p> - -<p>Upon what ground? asked the judge.</p> - -<p>On the ground that, having been half killed twice, -he is a dead man and therefore incompetent as a witness.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>In a suit recently tried in a Virginia town a young -lawyer of limited experience was addressing the jury -on a point of law, when good-naturedly he turned to -opposing counsel, a man of much more experience -than himself, and asked—</p> - -<p>That’s right, I believe, Colonel Hopkins?</p> - -<p>Whereupon Hopkins, with a smile of conscious -superiority, replied—</p> - -<p>Sir, I have an office in Richmond wherein I shall -be delighted to enlighten you on any point of law for -a consideration.</p> - -<p>The youthful attorney, not in the least abashed, -took from his pocket a half-dollar piece, which he -offered Col. Hopkins with this remark—</p> - -<p>No time like the present. Take this, sir, tell us -what you know and give me the change.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_59"></a>[59]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Secretary Elihu Root was talking about the -humanity of judges.</p> - -<p>They are humane men, he said. I could tell you -many moving stories of the pain that they have -suffered in the infliction of severe sentences. It is -not altogether pleasant to be a judge.</p> - -<p>That is why I can not credit a story that was -told me the other day about a judge in the West. -A criminal on trial before this man had been found -guilty. He was told to rise, and the judge said to him—</p> - -<p>Have you ever been sentenced to imprisonment -before?</p> - -<p>No, your honor, said the criminal, and he burst -into tears.</p> - -<p>Well, said the judge, don’t cry, you’re going to -be now.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>This story of the election expenses of a Georgia -lawyer who was defeated for county commissioner -in the recent primary, reaches us by way of the -<i>Newark Ledger</i> in a dispatch from Atlanta. His sworn -statement runs—</p> - -<p>Lost 1,349 hours’ sleep thinking about the election. -Lost two front teeth and a whole lot of hair in a -personal encounter with an opponent. Donated one -beef, four shoats, and five sheep to a county barbecue. -Gave away two pairs of suspenders, four calico -dresses, $5 cash, and thirteen baby rattles. Kissed -126 babies. Kindled fourteen kitchen fires. Put up -four stoves. Walked 4,076 miles. Shook hands with -9,508 persons. Told 10,101 lies, and talked enough -to make, in print, 1,000 volumes. Attended sixteen -revival meetings, and was baptized four different -times by immersion, and twice some other way. -Contributed $50 to foreign missions, and made love -to nine grass widows. Hugged forty-nine old maids. -Got dog-bit thirty-nine times, and was defeated.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_60"></a>[60]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Sam Kalleton, a member of the Arkansas Legislature, -was very fond of offering amendments to bills -introduced. That was the limit of his legislative -capacity. One morning, after a night’s hilarity, he -entered the legislative hall just as the chaplain was -asking divine aid. The old man took a chew of -tobacco, and listened attentively until the chaplain -closed his petition with an effective recitation of -the Lord’s Prayer. Mr. Speaker, said the old man, -arising, I move to strike out the words daily bread, -and insert as much bread as may be found necessary -for twenty days. We have already done enough for -the flood sufferers.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A prominent lawyer of New York says that many -years ago he went West, but as he got no clients, and -stood a good chance of starving, he decided to come -East again. Without any money he boarded a train -for Nashville, Tenn., intending to seek employment -as reporter on one of the daily newspapers, says the -<i>New York Telegraph</i>. When the conductor called for -his ticket, he said—</p> - -<p>I am on the staff of the ⸺ of Nashville. I -suppose you will pass me.</p> - -<p>The conductor looked at him sharply.</p> - -<p>The editor of that paper is in the smoker; come -with me; if he identifies you, all right.</p> - -<p>He followed the conductor into the smoker; the -situation was explained. Mr. Editor said—</p> - -<p>Oh, yes, I recognize him as one of the staff; it is -all right.</p> - -<p>Before leaving the train the lawyer again sought -the editor.</p> - -<p>Why did you say you recognized me? I’m not -on your paper.</p> - -<p>I’m not the editor either. I’m traveling on his pass, -and was scared to death lest you should give me away.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_61"></a>[61]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Judge Ben. B. Lindsey, the noted reformer of -Denver, was lunching one day—it was very warm—when -a politician paused beside his table.</p> - -<p>Judge, said the politician, I see you’re drinkin’ -hot cawfee. That’s a heatin’ drink.</p> - -<p>Yes? said Judge Lindsey.</p> - -<p>Oh, yes. In this weather you want iced drinks, -judge—sharp, iced drinks. Did you ever try gin and -ginger ale?</p> - -<p>No, said the judge, smiling, but I’ve tried several -fellows who have.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Harry Bulger has recently added to his repertoire -of stories a new character vignette which has been -received with laughter in the South. As Mr. Bulger -will be the guest of the Forty Club in Chicago during -the “Woodland” engagement in that city, he is -reserving this story for the post-prandial gossip.</p> - -<p>It relates largely to a lawyer and a Jewish client -during a civil action. The attorney, watching the -evidence and the countenance of the Judge, whose -reputation for severity was well known in the district, -whispered to his Hebrew client.</p> - -<p>It looks very bad. We are going to lose the case. -Whereupon the client responded.</p> - -<p>Vell, I will send the Judge a box of cigars.</p> - -<p>Great heavens, no! That would end it.</p> - -<p>The following day much to the surprise of the -plaintiff’s attorney, the decision was rendered for his -client. Meeting his Jewish friend later the lawyer -exclaimed—</p> - -<p>By Jove, I cannot understand this decision. Beats -anything I ever heard. Tell me, did you send the -Judge a box of cigars?</p> - -<p>Certainly. Of course I did.</p> - -<p>What?</p> - -<p>Yes, but I sent it with the card of the other fellow -in it.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_62"></a>[62]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="Clerical_Comicalities"><i>Clerical Comicalities</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p>The blessed man that preached for us last Sunday, -said Mr. Partington, served the Lord for thirty -years—first as a circus rider, and then as a locust-preacher, -and last as an exhauster.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Patience—Is your preacher sensational?</p> - -<p>Patrice—I should say so! Why, he preached -a sermon last Sunday and he took for his subject, -It’s hard to keep a good man down. Well? Oh, it -was all about Jonah and the whale.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A series of revival services were being held -recently in a Missouri city, and placards giving -notice of the services were posted in conspicuous -places. One day the following notice was posted:</p> - -<p>Hell, Its Location and Absolute Certainty. -Thomas Jones, barytone soloist, will sing, Tell -Mother I’ll Be There.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>There was once a clergyman’s son, who was -educated for the ministry. He finished his theological -course at Oxford and returned home with -the Oxford accent. On the following Sunday he -was invited to fill his father’s pulpit for the morning -service. The young preacher announced his text -as follows: And they wequiahed of him Bawabbas. -Now Bawabbas was a wobbah. At the evening -service the old man resumed his pulpit and preached -an eloquent sermon from the text, O Lord, have -mercy upon us, for this my son is lunatic and we -are sore distressed.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_63"></a>[63]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>When was the automobile first mentioned in -the Bible?</p> - -<p>When Elijah crossed the river Jordan by a Ford -and went up on high.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Clergyman—examining a Sunday School, Now, -can any of you tell me what are the sins of omission?</p> - -<p>Small Scholar—Yes, sir, they’re the sins you -ought to have committed, and haven’t.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Rev. Goodman—Mr. Slick, our Sunday-school -superintendent is a tried and trusted employe of -yours, is he not?</p> - -<p>Banker—He was trusted, and he’ll be tried if we’re -only fortunate enough to catch him.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>It is reported that Pope Gregory XVI offered -his snuff-box to a Cardinal, who declined it, saying: -No, your holiness, I have not that vice. To which -the Pope replied in thoroughly human way, if it -had been a vice you would have had it.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Mama, said little Elsie, do men ever go to heaven?</p> - -<p>Why of course, my dear. What makes you ask?</p> - -<p>Because I never see any pictures of angels with -whiskers.</p> - -<p>Well, said the mother, thoughtfully, some men -do go to heaven, but they get there by a close shave.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The Bishop, addressing the little folks at the -children’s service, became impressive. Only think, -children, he said, in Africa, there are 10,000,000 -square miles of territory without a single Sunday -school where little girls and boys can spend their -Sunday afternoons. Now, what should we all try -to save up our money for?</p> - -<p>The children (unanimously)—To go to Africa.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_64"></a>[64]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>At a sewing circle all the women were talking, -and some of the subjects got hopelessly confused. For -instance, the subject of crickets and church choirs. -I never heard such a horrid noise as they made last -Sunday, said one woman, referring to the choir. Nor -I, said another, thinking she referred to the fall crickets. -They say they make that noise with their hind legs.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>An evangelist who was conducting nightly services -announced that on the following evening he -would speak on the subject of Liars. He advised -his hearers to read in advance the seventeenth -chapter of Mark.</p> - -<p>The next night he arose and said: I am going -to preach on Liars tonight, and I would like to know -how many read the chapter I suggested. A hundred -hands were upraised.</p> - -<p>Now, he said, you are the very persons I want to -talk to—there isn’t any seventeenth chapter of -Mark.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A Baltimore man tells us of attending a church -on one occasion when the minister delivered a sermon -of but ten minutes’ duration—a most unusual thing -for him.</p> - -<p>Upon the conclusion of his remarks the minister -had added: I regret to inform you, brethren that my -dog, who appears to be particularly fond of paper, -this morning ate that portion of my sermon that I -have not delivered.</p> - -<p>After the service, the clergyman was met at the -door by a man who, as a rule, attended divine service -in another parish. Shaking the good man by the -hand, he said:</p> - -<p>Doctor, I should like to know whether that dog of -yours has pups. If so, I want to get one to give to -my minister.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_65"></a>[65]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A clergyman preached a rather long sermon from -the text, Thou art weighed in the balance and found -wanting. After the congregation had listened about -an hour, some began to get weary and went out; -others soon followed, greatly to the annoyance of the -minister. Another person started, whereupon the -preacher stopped his sermon and said: That is right -gentlemen; as fast as you are weighed, pass out! He -continued his sermon some time after that, but no -one disturbed him by leaving.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Not a few preachers would be glad to be the -victims of such a practical joke as was recently played -upon the Rev. Mr. Hageman, of Oxford, Mich. At -the annual meeting of the church of which he is pastor -the question of hiring a preacher comes up for discussion.</p> - -<p>At the last meeting of this society, when the subject -was brought up, a good deacon arose and said: -All those in favor of retaining Brother Hageman for -another year—at the same salary—will please rise.</p> - -<p>Not a person rose, and the minister, who was -present, felt as uncomfortable as possible, and heartily -wished himself anywhere else. Then the good deacon -who had put the question arose again and said, with -a twinkle of the eye:</p> - -<p>I see not one favors that motion, so I will put it -again in this way: All those in favor of keeping the -Rev. Mr. Hageman—at an increased salary—will -please rise.</p> - -<p>Everyone got upon his feet. Then it dawned upon -Mr. Hageman that he had been the victim of a -joke, and a smile lighted his eye, and the color returned -to his cheeks. Some of his best friends had -planned the surprise, and the little scheme had worked -to perfection.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_66"></a>[66]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The deacons and other officers of a church had -met to discuss the best method of getting rid of a -pastor who had worn out his usefulness. After -various methods had been suggested without any of -them seeming feasible, one brother, who was a -good deal of a wag, said:</p> - -<p>I tell you what to do. Let’s pay him all his salary -in arrears and raise him to a thousand a year and he -will drop dead.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A certain Duluth clergyman was a rather prosy -speaker, but occasionally he proved that he had -ready wit. One evening he was addressing his -congregation on the beauty of leading an upright -life, when he suddenly paused and beckoned to the -sexton. Brown, said he, in a clear, distinct tone of -voice, open a couple of windows on each side of the -church, please. Beg your pardon, sir! exclaimed -the sexton, with a look of great surprise. Did I -understand you to say, open the windows? It is -a very bitter cold night, sir. Yes, I am well aware -of that, Brown, was the cold, hard reply of the clergyman, -as he gazed around the church, but it is not -healthy to sleep with the windows shut! We refrain -from going any deeper into personalities.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The late Bishop Beckwith, of Georgia, was fond -of his gun, and spent much of his time hunting, says -Representative Adamson. One day the Bishop was -out with his dog and gun, and met a member of -his parish, whom he reproved for his inattention to -his religious duties. You should attend church -and read your Bible, said Bishop. I do read my -Bible, Bishop, was the answer, and I don’t find any -mention of the Apostles going a-shooting. No, -replied the Bishop, the shooting was very bad in -Palestine, so they went fishing instead.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_67"></a>[67]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A preacher who went to a Kentucky parish where -the parishioners bred horses was asked to invite the -prayers of the congregation for Lucy Grey. He did -so. They prayed three Sundays for Lucy Grey. On -the fourth he was told he need not do it any more.</p> - -<p>Why, said the preacher, is she dead?</p> - -<p>No, answered the man, she won the Derby.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The Rev. Mr. Spicer had for three days enjoyed -the telephone, which had been his last gift from an -admiring parishioner. He had been using it immediately -before going to church.</p> - -<p>When the time came for him to announce the -hymn he rose and with his usual impressive manner -read the words. Then in a crisp, firm tone he said, -Let us all unite in hymn six double o; sing three.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>That Henry Ward Beecher was spared much embarrassment -by his quickness at repartee is illustrated -by the following story:</p> - -<p>One evening as he was in the midst of an impassioned -speech some one attempted to interrupt him -by suddenly crowing like a rooster. It was done to -perfection; a number of people laughed in spite of -themselves, and the speaker’s friends felt that in a -moment the whole effect of the meeting, and of Mr. -Beecher’s thrilling appeals might be lost. The orator, -however, was equal to the occasion. He stopped, -listened till the crowing ceased, and then, with a look -of surprise, pulled out his watch.</p> - -<p>Morning already, he said; my watch is only at 10. -But there can be no mistake about it. The instincts -of the lower animals are infallible.</p> - -<p>There was a roar of laughter. The lower animal -in the gallery collapsed, and Mr. Beecher was able to -resume as if nothing had occurred.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_68"></a>[68]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The maid had been using surreptitiously the bathtub -of her employer, an elderly bishop. He was a -bachelor, very fastidious about his toilet, and desired -the exclusive use of his tub.</p> - -<p>He reprimanded the maid with much indignation:</p> - -<p>What distresses me most, Mary, is that you have -done this behind my back.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A certain minister in a certain flock took permanent -leave of his congregation in the following -manner:</p> - -<p>Brothers and Sisters: I come to say good-bye. -I don’t think God loves this church, because none -of you ever die. I don’t think you love each other, -because I never marry any of you. I don’t think -you love me, because you have not paid my salary. -Your donations are moldy fruit and wormy apples, -and by their fruits ye shall know them. Brothers, -I am going to a better place. I have been called -to be chaplain of a penitentiary. Where I go ye -cannot come, but I go to prepare a place for you, and -may the Lord have mercy on your souls. Good-bye.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Sister Henderson, said Deacon Hypers, you should -avoid even appearance of evil.</p> - -<p>Why Deacon, what do you mean? asked Sister -Henderson.</p> - -<p>I observe that on your sideboard you have several -cut-glass decanters, and that each of them is half -filled with what appears to be ardent spirits.</p> - -<p>Well, now, Deacon, it isn’t anything of the kind. -The bottles look so pretty on the sideboard that I -just filled them half way with some floor stain and -furniture polish, just for appearances.</p> - -<p>That’s why I am cautioning you, sister, replied -the Deacon. Feeling a trifle weak and faint, I helped -myself to a dose from the big bottle in the middle.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_69"></a>[69]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>An archdeacon engaged as new footman a well-recommended -youth who served as stable boy. The -first duty which the youth was called upon to perform -was to accompany the archdeacon on a series -of formal calls.</p> - -<p>Bring the cards, Thomas, and leave one at each -house, ordered his master. After two hours of -visiting from house to house the archdeacon’s list -was exhausted. This is the last house, Thomas, he -said; leave two cards here.</p> - -<p>Beggin’ yor pardon, sir, was the deferential reply, -I can’t; I’ve only the ace of spades left.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Senator Gore, of Oklahoma, is given credit for -this story, told on his recent visit to a Methodist convention -at St. Joseph. It is related by the Rev. -Mr. Williams, pastor of the Baptist Church of Pleasant -Hill, who happened to hear it.</p> - -<p>According to Senator Gore, there was an accomplished -hen with a brood of chickens—five roosters -and five pullets. The chicks matured and went their -various ways, while the mother hen busied herself -with a new brood. In course of time Methodist -ministers came into the vicinity of Chickenville to -hold a conference, and, as might be suspected, the -five young roosters, fat, yellow-legged and extremely -tender, were feasted upon by various and sundry -preachers. The young pullets, left behind, were met -by the mother hen a few days later. My children, -she asked, where are your brothers?</p> - -<p>They have entered the ministry.</p> - -<p>Bracing herself from the shock of disclosure, a -look of resignation spread over Biddy’s countenance -as she replied:</p> - -<p>Well, my dears, perhaps it is all for the best. -They would not have made very good lay members, -anyway.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_70"></a>[70]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A Philadelphia clergyman, visiting an old schoolmate -in Montana, was called upon to speak during -revival services in a large camp of Swedish miners.</p> - -<p>Looking straight at a powerful looking man -who sat in front of him, the minister asked:</p> - -<p>My friend, don’t you want to work for the Lord?</p> - -<p>The Swede thought a few seconds and replied -slowly:</p> - -<p>No, I tank no, de Norden Pacific fallers is good -enough for me.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A short time ago a somewhat laughable incident -took place in a northern church. The minister, -after proclaiming the banns of matrimony between -a young couple, concluded by saying, If there be -any objections, they can now be stated. A fashionable -youth, an old admirer of the intended bride, -noticing the eyes of a portion of the congregation -fixed upon him, rose up and exclaimed, I have -no objection for my own part, to the astonishment -of all about him, and resumed his seat, as if he had -done a mere formal piece of business.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Each Sunday the parson rode three miles to -church. On this particular Sunday it was raining -very hard. He rode the distance on horseback -and, when he reached the church, was soaking wet.</p> - -<p>Several of the good old sisters who were there -early placed a chair before the fire for him and hung -his wet coat up to dry.</p> - -<p>I am so afraid I won’t be dry enough to preach, -he said.</p> - -<p>Oh, said one of the sisters, when you get in the -pulpit and start preaching, you will be dry enough.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_71"></a>[71]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Whenever a Sunday school teacher comes to -Louisville invariably a good story is in order. Last -night one of them was at a local hotel, and he brought -along his story. Morrison R. Kendrick is his name, -and Chicago is his town. The story is told by Mr. -Kendrick as follows:</p> - -<p>Sunday School Superintendent—Who led the children -of Israel into Canaan? Will one of the smaller -boys answer?</p> - -<p>No reply.</p> - -<p>Superintendent (sternly)—Can no one tell? -You little fellow on that seat next to the aisle, who -led the children of Israel into Canaan?</p> - -<p>Little Boy (badly frightened)—It wasn’t me. -I—I just moved here last week from Missouri.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>An amusing incident occurred at the close of Sam -Jones’ sermon at Pulaski. Stepping down from the -pulpit, folding his hands across his breast, and looking -solemnly over the audience, the great revivalist -said—</p> - -<p>I want all the women in this crowd who have not -spoken a harsh word or harbored an unkind thought -toward their husbands for a month past to stand up.</p> - -<p>One old woman, apparently on the shady side of -sixty, stood up.</p> - -<p>Come forward and give me your hand, said the -preacher.</p> - -<p>The woman did so, whereupon Jones said—</p> - -<p>Now turn around and let this audience see the -best-looking woman in the country.</p> - -<p>After taking her seat, the revivalist addressed the -men—</p> - -<p>Now I want all the men in this crowd who have -not spoken a harsh word or harbored an unkind<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_72"></a>[72]</span> -thought toward their wives for a month past to -stand up.</p> - -<p>Twenty-seven great big strapping fellows hopped -out of the audience with all the alacrity of champagne -corks.</p> - -<p>Come forward and give me your hands, my dear -boys.</p> - -<p>Jones gave each one a vigorous shake, after which -he ranged all of them side by side in front of the -pulpit and facing the audience. He looked them -over carefully and solemnly, and then, turning around -to the audience, he said—</p> - -<p>I want you all to take a good look at the twenty-seven -biggest liars in the State of Tennessee.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_73"></a>[73]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="Khaki_Klad"><i>Khaki Klad</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p>Captain (examining uniforms which are expected -to be marked with the owner’s name)—What does -this mean, my man? Your name seems to be obliterated.</p> - -<p>Private (in the rear rank)—No, sir, it’s O’Brien.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A young officer at the front wrote home to his -father—</p> - -<p>Dear Father—Kindly send me fifty pounds at -once. Lost another leg in a stiff engagement, and -am in hospital without means.</p> - -<p>The answer was as follows—</p> - -<p>My Dear Son—As this is the fourth leg you have -lost (according to your letters), you ought to be -accustomed to it by this time. Try and hobble -along on any others you may have left.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>She had been hoping against hope that Bill would -get leave of absence so they could spend their wedding -anniversary together. But, alas! he was unsuccessful -in his application. Knowing how disappointed his -wife would be he sent an order to a local store for a -treadle sewing machine, knowing that would be her -choice of a present.</p> - -<p>The crate arrived before Bill’s letter of explanation, -and on examining it the good lady gave a loud -scream, and seizing a hatchet, proceeded to open it.</p> - -<p>Why, what’s the matter, Mrs. Smith? cried a -neighbor, who happened to be present.</p> - -<p>Pale and faint, Mrs. Smith pointed to an inscription -on the crate. It read—</p> - -<p>Bill inside!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_74"></a>[74]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Rear Admiral Osterhaus, at a luncheon in New -York, said of a naval disappointment.</p> - -<p>It was as disappointing as absent-minded Ibsen’s -Christmas dinner.</p> - -<p>Ibsen, you know, ran absent-mindedly one Christmas -night into the restaurant of a railway station -and asked—</p> - -<p>Look here, waiter, did you say I had twenty -minutes to wait or that it was twenty minutes to -eight?</p> - -<p>The Tipperary waiter stopped carving a turkey -long enough to reply—</p> - -<p>I said nayther. I said ye had twenty minutes to -ate, but that was nineteen minutes ago. There’s yer -train whistlin’ fur ye now.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Isaac had been drafted and sent to France. -Jacob, his partner, distracted, had begged Isaac to -cable when he got over. Three weeks elapse. No -cable.</p> - -<p>Jacob cables Isaac—Isaac! Woe is us! Our factory -burned down ten days ago. Why don’t you -cable or write?</p> - -<p>Three weeks more. No reply.</p> - -<p>Jacob cables again—Isaac! Woe is us! Our -storage warehouse burned down last week. Total -loss. Settled for $75,000. I am nearly crazy from -grief. Why don’t you cable? Are you dead?</p> - -<p>Three weeks more. No reply.</p> - -<p>Jacob cables again—Isaac! Woe is us! Our -main office burned last week. Settled insurance for -$90,000. I will die if you don’t cable. Haven’t -heard from you at all. Where are you? Are you -alive?</p> - -<p>Answer comes next day—Jacob, stop that nonsense, -spending all our money for cables! I’m all -right. You just keep the home fires burning!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_75"></a>[75]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The French soldier found as much cause to complain -about English as she is spoken as our lads did -with the lingo over there. One of the tri-color -veterans chirped up one day by letting out—Ze -English spoken, pas bon. Here ze sentence—What -color is ze blackberry when it is green? and I find out -he is red!</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>General W. W. Blackmar was talking to a group -of soldiers in Boston when a fakir came up and held -out for inspection a rusty old sword.</p> - -<p>Look at it, gents, he said, examine it close. It -is the sword what Lee surrendered to Grant. You -can have it for $5.</p> - -<p>Go along with you, said one of the soldiers sternly. -Go along with you. You can’t fool us.</p> - -<p>The fakir hurried away, and General Blackmar -said—</p> - -<p>That was, indeed, an impudent fraud, wasn’t it? -It reminds me of the frauds that were practiced in -the old relic shows that used to be a feature of -country fairs.</p> - -<p>At a country fair in my youth there was a show -devoted almost to biblical relics. I wish you could -have seen the faded cloth, the rusty nails, and the -brass jewels that did duty severally for a piece of -Solomon’s robe, an earring of the Queen of Sheba, -Absalom’s hairpin, David’s sling, and so on. In the -place of honor hung a sword, and the showman -said—</p> - -<p>This is the sword that Balaam was going to kill -his ass with.</p> - -<p>But, I interposed, I thought that Balaam had no -sword. I thought he only wished for one.</p> - -<p>You’re right, said the showman, this is the sword -he wished for.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_76"></a>[76]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>What is a man-of-war? said a teacher to his class.</p> - -<p>A cruiser, was the prompt reply.</p> - -<p>What makes it go?</p> - -<p>Its screw, sir.</p> - -<p>Who goes with it?</p> - -<p>Its crew, sir.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Is de major got his pension yit?</p> - -<p>Oh, yes!</p> - -<p>Used him up purty bad, didn’t dey?</p> - -<p>Wuss you ever see! Los’ one arm whilst he waz -a-tryin’ ter surrender en broke two legs a runnin’!</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>When I was a little child, the sergeant sweetly -addressed his men at the end of an hour’s exhaustive -drill, I had a set of wooden soldiers. There was a -poor little boy in the neighborhood and after I had -been to Sunday school one day and listened to a -stirring talk on the beauties of charity I was softened -enough to give them to him. Then I wanted them -back and cried, but mother said, Don’t cry, Bertie, -some day you will get your wooden soldiers back, -and believe me, you lob-sided, mutton-headed, goofus-brained -set of certified rolling pins, that day has come.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A firm in Liverpool, delighted that one of its -employes was called upon to join the reserves, volunteered -to pay half his wages to his wife in his -absence. At the end of the month the woman -appeared, and the moiety was given her. What? -she said; four pound? Yes, replied the senior partner, -that is exactly half, sorry you are not satisfied. -It isn’t that I’m not satisfied. Why, for years he has -told me he only got 16 shillings altogether, and—and—if -the Boers don’t kill him, I will.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_77"></a>[77]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A recruiting sergeant stationed in the south of -Ireland met Pat and asked him to join the army. -The latter refused, whereupon the sergeant asked his -reason for refusing.</p> - -<p>Aren’t the King and the Kaiser cousins? asked -Pat.</p> - -<p>Yes, said the recruiting sergeant.</p> - -<p>Well, said Pat, begorra I once interfered in a -family squabble, and I’m not going to do so again.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Two British soldiers went into a restaurant at -Saloniki and asked for Turkey with Greece. The -waiter said—</p> - -<p>I’m sorry, gentlemen, but I can’t Servia, whereupon -the Tommies cried—Fetch the Bosphorus!</p> - -<p>When that gentleman arrived and heard the -complaint, the manager said—</p> - -<p>Well, gentlemen, I don’t want to Russia, but you -can not Rumania.</p> - -<p>And so the poor Tommies had to go away Hungary.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The Baron Speck von Sternberg, the newly appointed -charge d’affaires from Berlin, was at a dinner -where, in a purely humorous spirit the courage of the -various nations of the world was being impugned. -The German’s courage was pretty severely attacked -by an Englishman. Baron von Sternberg took revenge -on him with this brief story—</p> - -<p>An Englishman and a German were to fight a -duel. They were locked in a pitch dark room -together with cocked pistols. All was still, and -neither could tell where the other was. Finally the -German, not wishing to have murder on his soul, -tiptoed to the chimney and fired up it. There was -a shriek, and the Englishman, badly wounded, came -tumbling down.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_78"></a>[78]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Two officers once appeared before Gustavus Adolphus -of Sweden to ask his permission to fight a duel, -as one had grievously insulted the other. Certainly, -my friends, said the king. I will be present myself -at the encounter. On the day appointed Gustavus -Adolphus appeared on the scene, accompanied by a -sinister looking person, who proved to be the public -executioner. Pointing to the two combatants, the -king said—</p> - -<p>You see those two men? Immediately after their -duel you will behead the survivor.</p> - -<p>The two officers shook hands on the spot.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Corporal James Tanner lost both his legs at the -second battle of Bull Run. Later, when in a hospital, -he and other wounded soldiers were visited by charitably -inclined women.</p> - -<p>One day an elderly female carrying a neat basket -sat down beside Tanner and talked religion to him -while he thought of the delicacies in the basket. At -length she lifted the lid and took therefrom a tract -on the evils of dancing, which she handed to the -patient. Tanner looked it over and then said earnestly—</p> - -<p>I give you my word of honor, madam, that I’ll -never dance again as long as I live. The elderly -lady departed with great satisfaction, fully believing -she had made a convert.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_79"></a>[79]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="Emeralds"><i>Emeralds</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p>Hospital Physician—Which ward do you wish to -be taken to? A pay ward or a—</p> - -<p>Maloney—Iny of thim, Doc, thot’s safely Dimocratic.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>He had reached heaven in good time. Hello, St. -Peter, said he. ’Tis a foine job you have.</p> - -<p>Right, sir. ’Tis a great place here. We count a -million years as a minute and a million dollars as a cent.</p> - -<p>Is that so, said he, wonderingly. Well, it’s money -I need. Will you lend me a cent, St. Peter?</p> - -<p>Sure, replied St. Peter, in a minute.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Brannigan, Flannigan, Milligan, Gilligan,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Duffy, McGuffy, Mullarky, Mahone,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Rafferty, Lafferty, Connelly, Donnelly,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Dooley, O’Hooley, Muldowny, Malone;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Maddigan, Caddigan, Hallahan, Callahan,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Fagan, O’Hagan, O’Houlihan, Flynn,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Shanagan, Lanagan, Fogarty, Hogarty,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Kelly, O’Skelly, McGinnis, McGinn.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Pat came to the wake. He walked up to the -bier and looking at the remains of his buddie, Mike, -he burst out laughing. He was prompt-hustled out -of the room by many strong hands and when he got -his breath he explained: Well, you see, the last time -I talked with Mike he argied with me that there -wasn’t no heaven and there wasn’t no hell, and I -couldn’t kape from laffin’ when I see him lyin’ there -all dressed up and no where to go.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_80"></a>[80]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Two Irishmen were on a ship coming over to -America. One night Mike awoke Pat and said, Pat, -get up quick, the ship is sinking. Pat said, what do -we care? It’s not ours.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The little Irishman was being examined for admission -to the army. He seemed all right in every way -except one. The doctor said, you’re a little stiff. -Quickly the Irish blood mounted as the applicant -replied, You’re a big stiff!</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>R. Hinton Perry, the sculptor, is responsible for -the following story of the scrublady who cares for -his studio.</p> - -<p>How many children have you Mrs. O’Flarity? -he asked of her one morning.</p> - -<p>It’s siven I have, sir, she replied. Four be the -third wife of my second husband, three be the second -wife of me furst.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Two young men met an Irishman. Said one: -Well, Pat, what’s the news?</p> - -<p>Divil a bit, yer honors; ’tis very dull in these parts. -Have yez any news?</p> - -<p>Yes, Pat; some very important news.</p> - -<p>Is that so, yer honors? Phat is it?</p> - -<p>We heard awhile ago for a fact that the devil was -dead.</p> - -<p>Is that so? Och, worra, worra! What a pity, -said he, taking out some money and giving to each a -quarter.</p> - -<p>Oh, Pat, take back your money; we don’t charge -you anything.</p> - -<p>Och, I know yez don’t; but ’twas a custom in the -old country to give the orphans something when their -father died.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_81"></a>[81]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>An Irishman who was signing articles on board a -ship began to write his name with his right hand, -then, changing the pen to his left hand, finished it.</p> - -<p>So you can write with either hand, Pat? asked -the officer.</p> - -<p>Yis, sor, replied Pat. Whin I was a boy me father -(rist his soul) always said to me Pat, learn to cut yer -finger nails wid your left hand, for some day ye might -lose your right.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A good old Irish pastor was thanking his congregation -for the many Easter offerings, and his tremulous -voice told how great was his pleasure.</p> - -<p>I want to thank the congregation, he said, for the -many beautiful gifts from my people this glorious -Easter Sunday. The plate donations were far in -excess of my expectations, the candles were many -and freely contributed, and the flowers were simply -beautiful; but I want to say right here and now that -the thing that touched my heart the most was whin -little Mar-r-y Killy walked oop the aisle an’ laid an -egg on the altar.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Two Irishmen, long enemies, met one day. Said -one: What’s the sinse of two intilligint min goin’ -along year after year like a couple of wildcats spittin’ -at each other? Here we live in the same tinimint, -and ’tis a burnin’ shame that we do be actin’ like a -couple of boobies. Come along wid yer and shake -hands, and we’ll make up and be friends. Which -they did, and went to an adjacent public house to -cement their friendship with a glass of grog. Both -stood at the bar in silence. One looked at the other -and said:</p> - -<p>What are you thinkin’ about?</p> - -<p>Oi’m thinkin’ the same thing that you are.</p> - -<p>Oh, so ye’re startin’ agin, are ye?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_82"></a>[82]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The frequent and unsuccessful candidacy of -certain men in this town for public office reminded -George (Scotty) Dore of a story of his friend Hogan.</p> - -<p>Hogan was raffling a clock, said Mr. Dore. He -was fairly successful in disposing of tickets in the -shop where he worked, but he ran up against trouble -when he canvassed his neighbors.</p> - -<p>Dropping in at a neighbor’s house, he tried to -sell a ticket on the clock.</p> - -<p>It’s a fine timepiece, and it’ll luk foine on yer -what-not er mantel, says Hogan, cajolingly.</p> - -<p>Gwan, the old clock doesn’t run! replied the -neighbor.</p> - -<p>Well, drawled Hogan, changing front completely, -well perhaps yez won’t win it, and then -ye’ll have the laugh on the fellow who does.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Street cleaning commissioner Paul Inglehart, of -Baltimore, returned recently from a gunning trip -in Anne Arundel county and brought with him a -supply of new stories told in the historic old South -River Club.</p> - -<p>The one that particularly took Mr. Inglehart’s -fancy was that of the Irish servant girl who one -day asked her mistress what was the meaning of -the word “kismet”. After thinking a little while the -mistress said:</p> - -<p>Why, Bridget, it is another name for fate.</p> - -<p>A day or so afterward the mistress discovered -Bridget hobbling down the stairs evidently in great -pain and walking very lame.</p> - -<p>Why, what on earth is the matter with you? -she asked.</p> - -<p>Oh, sure, ma’am, was the reply, I’ve got bunions -on my kismet.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_83"></a>[83]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>How is this? the detective inquired, with a jerk of -his thumb toward the interior of the car.</p> - -<p>How’s what? inquired the Irishman.</p> - -<p>Nine passengers got on and you only rung up -eight fares.</p> - -<p>Is that so, responded the conductor, with a look -of innocent surprise. He cautiously counted the -fares on the large dial. The spotter was waiting. -Begorra, yer right. Wan of thim has got to git off.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Thomas Patrick Gallagher, typical Irish traffic -copper, was stationed on Madison street in Chicago -at the point intersected by the river.</p> - -<p>One bustling Saturday afternoon, Gallagher held -up his hand to halt traffic for the draw bridge. In -front of him was a new handsome limousine motor car.</p> - -<p>While waiting for the bridge to close, a runabout -flivver crashed into the rear end of the handsome car.</p> - -<p>Gallagher was on the job promptly and hustled -over to the driver of the flivver.</p> - -<p>Phwat in hal does yez mane by smashing into -this handsome car? Haven’t you got any eyes? -he bellowed at the meek and humble driver. Are -you crazy? I’ve a good mind to take you down -to the headquarters, you blithering idiot. What’s -your name? continued Gallagher, as he extracted -a pencil and notebook from his pocket, what is -the number of your car?</p> - -<p>The answer back in typical Gaelic, me name -is Clancy.</p> - -<p>Clancy, replied Gallagher. Clancy, what part -of Ireland are you from, what county—</p> - -<p>I am from County Mayo.</p> - -<p>County Mayo, continued the traffic officer, -County Mayo, say Clancy, stay here just a minute -till I go head to that big car and see why in the devil -he backed into you.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_84"></a>[84]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The following anecdote is illustrative of eviction -days in Ireland. Pat had served part of his time -as a bricklayer in the old country. On arrival in -America, he was watching some bricklayers at -work when the foreman observed him:</p> - -<p>Can they do it as quick as that in Ireland, Pat?</p> - -<p>They can indeed, and twice as quick, answered Pat.</p> - -<p>Do you know, said the foreman, that we start -a house here in the morning and it’s finished and -a tenant in it before evening.</p> - -<p>That’s all you can do, is it? Well, said Pat, -in Ireland we start a house in the morning and -the landlord is evicting the tenant for back rent -before evening.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Strange as it may seem, there is a public man in -this city who is blessed or cursed with a tender conscience -that worries him in small matters as well as -in great. Among the things that he cannot justify -to himself is the bidding a servant to say he is not at -home when, in reality, he is inside his house. At -the same time he is not able to receive the many -visitors who call upon him, and his only recourse was -to give instructions that polite excuses should be -given to a maid, an Irish girl, gifted with the readiness -and good-will of her nation.</p> - -<p>Then I’m to be saying, sir, that you’re not at -home? the maid inquired.</p> - -<p>No, Mary, no! was the reply; that would not be -true. If anyone should ask for me, you must just -put him off—give him some evasive answer, you know.</p> - -<p>I’ll do it, sir, never fear, was the maid’s reply. -Mary was as good as her word.</p> - -<p>That afternoon a person of importance made his -appearance, and was duly sent away. The faithful -maid reported the circumstance to her employer.</p> - -<p>What did you do, Mary? inquired the latter with -some trepidation.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_85"></a>[85]</span></p> - -<p>Oh, I just put him off, sir, as you told me. I -gave him an evasive answer.</p> - -<p>Yes, but what did you say to him?</p> - -<p>Oh, sure, he axed me if the boss was at home, and -I said to him, was his grandmother a monkey?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>There were some deficiencies in the early education -of Mrs. Donahoe, but she never mentioned them -or admitted their existence.</p> - -<p>Will you sign your name here? said the young -lawyer whom Mrs. Donahoe had asked to draw up -a deed transferring a parcel of land to her daughter.</p> - -<p>You sign it yoursilf an I’ll make me mark, said -the old woman, quickly. Since me eyes gave out -I’m not able to write a wurrd, young man.</p> - -<p>How do you spell it? he asked, pen poised above -the proper space.</p> - -<p>Spell it what iver way you plaze, said Mrs. -Donahoe, recklessly. Since I lost me teeth there’s -not a wurrd in the wurrld I can spell.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A story is going the rounds in the court house -of an Irishman who recently went before Judge -Stephens to be naturalized.</p> - -<p>Have you read the Declaration of Independence? -the Court asked.</p> - -<p>I hov not, said Pat.</p> - -<p>Have you read the Constitution of the United -States?</p> - -<p>I hov not, your honer.</p> - -<p>Judge Stephens looked sternly at the applicant -and asked:</p> - -<p>Well, what have you read?</p> - -<p>Patrick hesitated but the fraction of a second -before replying:</p> - -<p>I hov red hairs on me neck, yer honor.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_86"></a>[86]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="Shadowgraphs"><i>Shadowgraphs</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p>I notice she bowed to you. Is she an old acquaintance?</p> - -<p>Y-yes; we’re slightly acquainted. In fact, she’s -a sort of distant relation. She was the first wife of -my second wife’s first husband.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Do you want the court to understand, he said, -that you refuse to renew your dog license?</p> - -<p>Yessah, but—</p> - -<p>We want no buts. You must renew the license -or be fined. You know that it expired January 1, -don’t you?</p> - -<p>Yessah; so did de dog, sah.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>That’s a nice-looking dog, remarked the kindly -old gentleman, who takes an interest in everything.</p> - -<p>Yes, suh. He looks all right, replied the colored -man who was leading him with a piece of rope.</p> - -<p>He looks like a pointer.</p> - -<p>Yes, suh. Dat’s what he look like. But dat ain’ -what he is. He’s a disappointer.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A colored parson, calling upon one of his flock, -found the object of his visit out in the back yard -working among his hen-coops. He noticed with surprise -that there were no chickens.</p> - -<p>Why, Brudder Brown, he asked, whar’re all yo’ -chickens?</p> - -<p>Huh, grunted Brother Brown, without looking -up, some fool nigger lef de do’ open and dey all went -home.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_87"></a>[87]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Rev. Mr. Heavyweight (who has just read Peter’s -denial of Christ)—What are you so thoughtful about, -Uncle ’Rastus?</p> - -<p>Uncle ’Rastus—I was thinking’, massa parsin, dat -if de Apostle Peter had only been a cullud gemman, -dat rooster wouldn’t have crowed more’n once.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I want to be procrastinated at de nex’ corner, -said Mr. Erastus Pinkly.</p> - -<p>You want to be what? demanded the conductor.</p> - -<p>Don’t lose your temper. I had to look in de -dictionary myself befo’ I found out dat procrastinate -means put off.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A southern planter was asking one of his colored -servants about her wedding. Yes, suh, she said, -it was jes the finest weddin’ you ever see—six bridesmaids, -flowers everywhere, hundreds ev guests, -music, an’ er heap er praying.</p> - -<p>Indeed, commented her master. And I suppose -Sambo looked as handsome as any of them?</p> - -<p>An embarrassed pause. Well no—not exactly, -suh. Would you believe it, dat fool nigger neber -showed up.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Aunt Mary Wells is one of the few befo-de-wah -darkies left in a little Kentucky town. Recently -she was discussing with her employer the merry-go-round -that was running up on the corner.</p> - -<p>Nawsuh, Mr. Malcolm, she said, nawsuh, I -don’ ride on none o’ dem things. Why, Mr. Malcolm, -I’ve seen some o’ these here fool niggers git on that -thing and ride as much as a dollar’s worth, and git -off at the very same place they gits on at; an’ I sez -to em, Now you spent yo’ money, nigger, whah -yo’ been?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_88"></a>[88]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Mandy was a good-looking young colored girl -and had many admirers. Her mistress often lectured -her on behaving with propriety. One evening the -mistress, going into the kitchen, was surprised to -find a strange darky with his arm around Mandy’s -waist.</p> - -<p>Why, Mandy, said the mistress indignantly, -tell that man to take his arm from around your -waist.</p> - -<p>Tell him yo’self, said Mandy haughtily. He’s -a puffect stranger to me.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A negro was discovered carrying a large armful -of books, which brought forth the inquiry—</p> - -<p>Going to school?</p> - -<p>Yes, sah, boss.</p> - -<p>Do you study all those books?</p> - -<p>No, sah; dey’s mu brudder’s. I’se ignorant kinder -nigger side him, boss. Yer jest oughter see dat -nigger figgerin’. He done gone ciphered clean through -addition, partition, subtraction, distraction, abomination, -creation, justification, amputation and adoption.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Uncle Ephraim had put on a clean collar and his -best coat, says the Chicago Tribune, and was walking -majestically up and down the street.</p> - -<p>Aren’t you working to-day, uncle? asked one of -his acquaintances.</p> - -<p>No, suh. I’s celebratin’ my golden weddin’, suh.</p> - -<p>You were married fifty years ago to-day?</p> - -<p>Yes, suh.</p> - -<p>Well, why isn’t your wife helping you celebrate?</p> - -<p>My present wife, suh, replied Uncle Ephraim, -with dignity, ain’t got nothin’ to do with it. She’s -de fourth, suh.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_89"></a>[89]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Sambo—You know, Rastus, dat every time ah -kiss mah wife she closes her eyes an’ holler.</p> - -<p>Rastus—Ah say she do!</p> - -<p>Sambo—What’s dat, nigger?</p> - -<p>Rastus—Ah say, do she?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Lord Babbington was instructing the new colored -servant in his duties, adding—Now, Zeke, when I -ring for you, you must answer me by saying—My -lord, what will you have?</p> - -<p>A few hours afterward, having occasion to summon -the servant, his lordship was astonished with the -following—</p> - -<p>My Gawd, whut does you want now?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A negro had made several ineffectual efforts to -propose to the object of his affections, but on each -occasion his courage failed him at the last moment. -After thinking the matter over he finally decided to -telephone, which he did. Is that you, Samantha? -he inquired upon being given the proper number. -Yes, it’s me, returned the lady. Will you marry me, -Samantha, and marry me quick? Yes, I will, was -the reply, who’s speaking?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>They installed a new furnace, or some sort of a -heating apparatus, at the Brazilian Embassy in Washington -this winter.</p> - -<p>The Charge went down to look it over. He -picked up the shaker. It was large and heavy.</p> - -<p>Here, James, he said to the negro butler, you call -up that furnace man and tell him this shaker is too -heavy. Why, none but a modern Ajax could use it.</p> - -<p>Yassir, said the butler, and went to the telephone. -Heah, yo’ furnace man, he said, this yere shaker yo’ -done put in the Brazilian Embassy is too heavy. -Why, nobody short of a modern jackass could use it.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_90"></a>[90]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Two darkies engaged in a horse trade. After the -sale was made one darky had the other darky’s -horse, for which he parted with $30.00. A few days -later the buyer of the horse came across the other -darky and complained bitterly of being robbed. -Why, Rastus, that horse ain’t no good at all. He -can’t see. He’s blind.</p> - -<p>What makes you think he’s blind, Sam?</p> - -<p>Why, the other day I turned him out in the field -and he run into the fence, then he stumbled over a -great big rock and then he run plumb into a tree.</p> - -<p>Aw, go long, nigger, that horse ain’t blind. He -just don’t give a damn.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>One morning, while visiting in Richmond, a New -York lady overheard the following conversation -between the hostess and the cook—</p> - -<p>Please, Mis’ Gawdon, may I git off nex’ Sunday -to go to the fun’ral of a friend of mine?</p> - -<p>Next Sunday? Why, Eliza, this is only Monday! -They wouldn’t put a funeral off for a week.</p> - -<p>Yas’m, respectfully; but dey has to, ’cause he -ain’t dead yit.</p> - -<p>Not dead! I am positively ashamed of you. -How can you be so heartless as to arrange to attend -the funeral of a man who is still living? Why, he -may not die at all.</p> - -<p>Yas’m, but he will; dey ain’t no hope.</p> - -<p>It is impossible to say that, Eliza; the best doctors -are often mistaken. But even if they do know -a case to be hopeless, they cannot predict the exact -time of a man’s death with such a certainty that the -funeral can be arranged so long beforehand.</p> - -<p>Yas’m, with calm assurance; but he will be buried -nex’ Sunday, for all dat, ’cause he’s gwin’ to be hung -on Friday.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_91"></a>[91]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>When General John Corson Smith was lieutenant -governor of Illinois, one of the colored janitors of the -state house at Springfield came into his office one -morning and related the following incident, which he -said occurred the previous evening in the negro lodge -of which he was a member—</p> - -<p>The ballot box had been passed and the worshipful -master asked—How is the ballot in the south, -Brother Junior Warden? Clar in the south, worshipful. -How is the ballot in the west, Brother Senior -Warden? Clar in the west, worshipful. The W. M. -then inspected the box and said—And clar in the -east. I therefore declar Mr. Josephus Johnson duly -elected to take the degrees in this lodge. Up jumped -a big coon, as black as the ace of spades, and cried, -That’s a ’fernal lie,’ worshipful master. I put in -four black balls myself.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A negro boy walked into a drug store and asked -permission to use the telephone. Then the following -conversation took place—</p> - -<p>Is that you, Mistah Jones?</p> - -<p>Yes, apparently was the reply.</p> - -<p>Well, Mistah Jones, I saw your ad in de paper -the other day and yo’ wanted a cullud boy. Did -yo’ get one?</p> - -<p>Yes, seemed to be the answer again.</p> - -<p>Well, Mistah Jones, is he givin’ perfect satisfaction?</p> - -<p>The reply appeared still to be affirmative.</p> - -<p>Well, Mistah Jones, providen dis cullud boy don’t -give perfect satisfaction, you call me at 54.</p> - -<p>The boy turned and started out, and the druggist, -who had overheard, remarked—You didn’t do any -good, did you?</p> - -<p>Yes, sah, came the reply. I’s dat cullud boy -what’s workin’ down there. I’se jest checkin’ up -to see how I stand.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_92"></a>[92]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Edward M. Flesh, of the United States Food -Commission, was talking in St. Louis about snobbishness.</p> - -<p>Snobbishness penetrates everywhere, he said. It -even penetrates our churches.</p> - -<p>I know of an old darky who got religion last -month and decided to join the church. He selected, -of course, the richest and handsomest church in -town, the church with the finest music and the best -preaching. Then he called on the pastor and stated -his design.</p> - -<p>But the pastor hemmed and hawed. He felt that -his fashionable flock wouldn’t welcome such an addition -as the old darky. He didn’t want to hurt the -old fellow’s feelings, however, and finally he said—</p> - -<p>Go home, Uncle Rooster. Go home and pray -over it. This is an important matter, and it should -be made a subject of prayer.</p> - -<p>Old Uncle Rooster went home, and in a few days -he was back again.</p> - -<p>Well? said the divine. Well, what’s the verdict -now?</p> - -<p>Ah prayed an’ Ah prayed, said Uncle Rooster, an’ -de good Lawd He say to me, Rooster, mah son, Ah -wouldn’t bothah mah haid about dat mattah no mo.’ -Ah’ve been a-tryin’ to git into dat chu’ch mahself -fo’ de last twenty-nine yeahs an’ Ah ain’t had no -luck, nuther.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>At the end of the first six months of his pastorate -in Kentucky the Rev. Silas Johns had learned the -ways of his flock so thoroughly that he knew exactly -how to deal with them. One Sunday the collection -was deplorably small. The next week he made a -short and telling speech at the close of his sermon. -I don’t want any man to gib more dan his share, -bredren, he said, gently, bending toward the congregation,<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_93"></a>[93]</span> -but we must all gib according as we are -favored and according to what we rightly hab. I -say rightly hab, bredren, he went on, after a short -pause, because we don’t want any tainted money in -de box. Squire Blinks told me dat he’d missed some -chickens dis week. Now, if any one ob my pore -benighted bredren has fallen by de way in connection -wid does chickens, let him stay his hand from de -box when it comes to him. Brudder Mose, will you -pass de box while I watch de signs and see if dere’s -one in de congregation dat needs me to wrestle in -prayer for him?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>An excellent story is told by Kate Douglas Wiggin, -the popular writer. A negro servant, wishing -to get married, asked his master to buy him a license -in the neighboring town. The master, being in haste, -did not ask the name of the happy woman, but as he -drove along he reflected on the many tender attentions -that he had seen John lavish upon Euphemia -Wilson, the cook, and, concluding that there could -be no mistake, had the license made out in her name.</p> - -<p>There’s your license to marry Euphemia, he said -to the servant that night. You’re as good as married -already, and you owe me only two dollars.</p> - -<p>The darky’s face fell.</p> - -<p>But, Mas’ Tom, Euphemia Wilson ain’t de lady -I’se gwine to marry. Dat wan’t nothin’ mo’n a -little flirtation. Georgiana Thompson, the la’ndress, -is the one I’se gwine to marry.</p> - -<p>Oh, well, John, said the master, amused and -irritated at the same time, there’s no great harm -done. I’ll get you another license to-morrow, but -it will cost you two dollars more, of course.</p> - -<p>The next morning the darky came out to the -carriage as it was starting for town, and leaning<span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_94"></a>[94]</span> -confidentially over the wheel, said—Mas’ Tom, you -needn’t git me no udder license; I’ll use the one I’se -got. I’se been t’inkin’ it over in de night, an’ to -tell you de troof, Mas’ Tom, de conclusion o’ my -jedgment is dat dar ain’t two dollars’ worth o’ -diff’rence between dem two ladies.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Until recently there was a partnership existing -between two darky blacksmiths in an Alabama town. -The dissolution of this association was made known -by a notice nailed upon the door of the smithy, which -notice ran as follows—</p> - -<p>The kopardnershipp heretofor resisting between -me and Mose Jenkins is heerby resolved. All perrsons -owing the firm will settel with me, and all -perrsons that the firm owes to will settel with Mose.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_95"></a>[95]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="Alliterations"><i>Alliterations</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p>I wonder if you know that Betty Botter baked -a bit of batter, but her batter was so bitter that to -make her bitter batter better Betty Botter bought a -bit of better butter, and with this bit of better butter -Betty Botter made her bitter batter better.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>In reply to the question, How much wood would -a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck -wood? I would say, if a woodchuck would chuck -all the wood that a woodchuck could chuck if a -woodchuck could chuck wood, a woodchuck would -chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if -a woodchuck could chuck wood.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>When the tramp begged for somthun to do for a -bite o’ bread, the lady of the house said—Did you -happen to notice that pile of wood in the yard?</p> - -<p>Yes’m, I seen it.</p> - -<p>You should mind your grammar. You mean you -saw it.</p> - -<p>No’m. You saw me see it, but you ain’t seen me -saw it.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>An old farmer of Arkansas, whose sons had all -grown up and left him, hired a young man by the -name of Esau Buck to help him on his farm. On -the evening of the first day they hauled up a small -load of poles for wood, and unloaded them. The -next morning the old man said to the hired man—</p> - -<p>Esau, I’m going to town today, and while I am -gone you may saw wood and keep the old ram out -of the garden.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_96"></a>[96]</span></p> - -<p>When the old man had gone, Esau went out to -saw the wood, but when he saw the saw he wouldn’t -saw. When Esau saw the saw he couldn’t saw with -that saw. Esau looked around for another saw, but -that was the only saw he saw, so he didn’t saw. -When the old man came home he said to Esau—</p> - -<p>Esau, did you saw the wood?</p> - -<p>Esau said—I saw the wood, but I wouldn’t saw it.</p> - -<p>The old man went out to see the saw, and when -he saw the saw he saw that Esau couldn’t saw with -that saw. When Esau saw that the old man saw -that he couldn’t saw with the saw, Esau picked up -the ax and chopped up the wood and made a seesaw.</p> - -<p>The next day the old man went to town and bought -a new buck-saw for Esau Buck, and when he came -home he hung the buck-saw for Esau Buck on the -saw-buck by the seesaw.</p> - -<p>Just at that time Esau Buck saw the old buck in -the garden eating cabbage, and when driving him -from the garden to the barn-yard Esau Buck saw -the buck-saw on the saw-buck by the seesaw.</p> - -<p>When the old buck saw Esau Buck looking at the -new buck-saw on the saw-buck by the seesaw, he -made a dive for Esau, hit the seesaw, knocked the -seesaw against Esau Buck, who fell on the buck-saw -on the saw-buck by the seesaw.</p> - -<p>When the old man saw the old buck dive at Esau -Buck, and miss Esau and hit the seesaw and knock -the seesaw against Esau, and Esau Buck fall on the -buck-saw on the saw-buck by the seesaw, he picked -up an ax to kill the old buck. But the buck saw -him coming and dodged the blow and countered on -the old man’s stomach, knocked the old man over -the seesaw onto Esau Buck, who was getting the -seesaw, crippled Esau Buck, broke the buck-saw and -the saw-buck and the seesaw.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_97"></a>[97]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A Yale student is reported to be responsible for -the following alliteration—</p> - -<p>Bill had a billboard. Bill also had a board bill. -The board bill bored Bill so that Bill sold the bill -board to pay the board bill. So after Bill sold the -bill board to pay his board bill the board bill no -longer bored Bill.</p> - -<p>It is said that with little practice on either exercise -a salesman will so loosen his tongue and grease his -vocal organs that he can sell Russian bonds to a -Japanese.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_98"></a>[98]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="Poets_Corner"><i>Poet’s Corner</i></h2> - -</div> - -<h3>IN KENTUCKY.</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The moonlight falls the softest,</div> - <div class="verse indent10">In Kentucky;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The summer days come oftest,</div> - <div class="verse indent10">In Kentucky;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Friendship is the strongest,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Love’s light glows the longest,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Yet, wrong is always wrongest,</div> - <div class="verse indent10">In Kentucky.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Life’s burdens bear the lightest,</div> - <div class="verse indent10">In Kentucky;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The home fires burn the brightest,</div> - <div class="verse indent10">In Kentucky;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">While players are the keenest,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Cards come out the meanest,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The pocket empties cleanest,</div> - <div class="verse indent10">In Kentucky.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The sun shines ever brightest,</div> - <div class="verse indent10">In Kentucky;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The breezes whisper lightest,</div> - <div class="verse indent10">In Kentucky;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Plain girls are the fewest,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Their little hearts are truest,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Maiden’s eyes the bluest,</div> - <div class="verse indent10">In Kentucky.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_99"></a>[99]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Orators are the grandest,</div> - <div class="verse indent10">In Kentucky;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Officials are the blandest,</div> - <div class="verse indent10">In Kentucky;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Boys are all the fliest,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Danger ever nighest,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Taxes are the highest,</div> - <div class="verse indent10">In Kentucky.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The bluegrass waves the bluest,</div> - <div class="verse indent10">In Kentucky;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Yet, bluebloods are the fewest (?),</div> - <div class="verse indent10">In Kentucky;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Moonshine is the clearest,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">By no means the dearest,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And, yet, it acts the queerest,</div> - <div class="verse indent10">In Kentucky.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The dove-notes are the saddest,</div> - <div class="verse indent10">In Kentucky;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The streams dance on the gladdest,</div> - <div class="verse indent10">In Kentucky;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Hip pockets are the thickest,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Pistol hands the slickest,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The cylinder turns quickest,</div> - <div class="verse indent10">In Kentucky.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The song birds are the sweetest,</div> - <div class="verse indent10">In Kentucky;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The thoroughbreds are fleetest,</div> - <div class="verse indent10">In Kentucky;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Mountains tower proudest,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Thunder peals the loudest,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The landscape is the grandest,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And politics—the damnedest,</div> - <div class="verse indent10">In Kentucky.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p class="right">—<i>By James H. Mulligan.</i></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_100"></a>[100]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<h3>A TIME IN THE KITCHEN.</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The fork said the corkscrew was crooked;</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The remark made the flatiron sad;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The steel knife at once lost its temper,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And called the tea-holder a cad.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The teaspoon stood on its metal;</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The kettle exhibited bile;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The stove grew hot at the discussion,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">But the ice remained cool all the while.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The way that the cabbage and lettuce</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Kept their heads was something sublime;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The greens dared the soup to mix with them,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And the latter, while it hadn’t much thyme,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Got so mad it boiled over—the fire</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Felt put out and started to cry;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The oven then roasted the turkey</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And the cook gave the grease spot the lye.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The plate said the clock in the corner</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Transacted its business on tick.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And the plate, which for years had been battered,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The clock said was full of old nick.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The salt said the cream should be whipped,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The cinnamon laughed—in a rage</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The cream said the salt was too fresh,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And its friend wasn’t thought to be sage.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">You’d not think a thing that’s so holey</div> - <div class="verse indent2">As the sieve would have mixed in the fuss,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But it did, for it said that the butter</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Was a slippery sort of a cuss;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">No one knows how the row would have ended,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Had not the cook, Maggie O’Dowd,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">(Her work being done) closed the kitchen,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">And thusly shut up the whole crowd.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_101"></a>[101]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<h3>JUST NONSENSE.</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">It was midnight on the ocean</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Not a street car was in sight</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The sun was shining brightly</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And it rained all day that night.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">It was a summer day in winter</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The rain was snowing fast</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A barefoot girl with shoes on</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Stood sitting on the grass.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">It was evening and the rising sun</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Was setting in the west</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The little fishes in the trees</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Were cuddled in their nests.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The rain was pouring down</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The moon was shining bright</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And everything that you could see</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Was hidden from your sight.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">While the organ peeled potatoes</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Lard was rendered by the choir</div> - <div class="verse indent0">While the sexton rang the dish rag</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Some one set the church on fire.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">“Holy Smokes” the preacher shouted</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In the rain he lost his hair</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Now his head resembles heaven</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For there is no parting there.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">This is the story of Johnny McGuire,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Who ran through the town with his trousers on fire;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He went to the doctor’s and fainted with fright</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When the doctor told him his end was in sight.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_102"></a>[102]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<h3>8 2 MUCH.</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">I often sit and medit8</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Upon the scurvy trick of f8</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That keeps me still a celib8.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I want a 10der maid sed8</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To love and be my m8.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">My 40-2de is not so gr8</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I cannot w8.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<h3>ANTHEM FOR A HAS-BEEN.</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">My Auto ’tis of Thee</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Short cut to poverty</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Of Thee I chant.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I blew a pile of dough</div> - <div class="verse indent0">On you three years ago</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Now you refuse to go</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Or won’t or can’t.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Through town and country side</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I drove thee full of pride</div> - <div class="verse indent0">No charm you lacked.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I loved your gaudy hue</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Your tires so round and new</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Now I feel mighty blue</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The way you act.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">To thee old rattle box</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Came many bumps and knocks</div> - <div class="verse indent0">For thee I grieve.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Badly thy top is torn</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Frayed are thy seats and worn</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The croup affects thy horn</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I do believe.</div><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_103"></a>[103]</span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Thy perfume swells the breeze</div> - <div class="verse indent0">While good folks choke and sneeze</div> - <div class="verse indent0">As we pass by.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I paid for thee a price</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Would buy a mansion twice</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Now every one yells “Ice”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I wonder why.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Thy motor has the grip</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Thy spark plug has the pip</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And woe is thine.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I too have suffered chills</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Fatigue and kindred ills</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Trying to pay the bills</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Since thou wert mine.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Gone is my bank roll now</div> - <div class="verse indent0">No more ’twould choke a cow</div> - <div class="verse indent0">As once before.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Yet if I had the yen</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So help me John “Amen”</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I’d buy a car again</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And speed some more.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">The lightning bug is brilliant,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">But he hasn’t any mind;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">It wanders through creation</div> - <div class="verse indent2">With its headlight on behind.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Tobacco is a dirty weed—</div> - <div class="verse indent26">I like it.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">It satisfies no moral need—</div> - <div class="verse indent26">I like it.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">It makes you fat, it makes you lean,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">It takes the hair right off your bean,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">It’s the worst darn stuff I’ve ever seen—</div> - <div class="verse indent26">I like it.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_104"></a>[104]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Little Willie in the best of pink sashes,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Fell in the fire and got burned to ashes.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Bye and bye the room grew chilly,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But nobody wanted to poke up Willie.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Here lies the body of Mary Ann Lowder.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">She burst while drinking a seidlitz powder,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Called from this world, to her heavenly rest,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">She should have waited till it effervesced.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<h3>IF I SHOULD DIE TONIGHT.</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent8">If I should die to-night</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And you should come to my cold corpse and kneel</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Clasping my bier to show the grief you feel,</div> - <div class="verse indent8">I say, if I should die to-night</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And you should come to me and there and then</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Just even hint about paying me that ten</div> - <div class="verse indent8">I might arise the while</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But I’d drop dead again.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent4">Twice, thought I, the coin to send,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">My one indebtedness to end.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">But since I’ve learned a shock so great</div> - <div class="verse indent4">A prompt remittance would create,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">I do not like to pay you quite</div> - <div class="verse indent4">For fear that you might die of fright—</div> - <div class="verse indent20">So wait.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_105"></a>[105]</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="Limericks"><i>Limericks</i></h2> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Now what is a Limerick pray?</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I beg of you poet to say.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Conversation like this</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Is a Limerick, miss,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But it doesn’t occur every day.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Said a husband, You think I’m a St.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I will fool you a bit, for I at.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Now please take a look,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Watch me wink at the cook!</div> - <div class="center">* * * * *</div> - <div class="verse indent0">No, the black ’round his eye isn’t pt.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">A young thing named Katherine Parr</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Was crazy to be a screen star,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">But she snubbed her director</div> - <div class="verse indent4">When he tried to correct her,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">So Kate didn’t get very far.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">There once was an old man of Lyme</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Who married three wives at a time;</div> - <div class="verse indent4">When asked, Why a third?</div> - <div class="verse indent4">He replied, One’s absurd!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And bigamy sir, is a crime!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">There once was a person of Benin</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Who wore clothes not fit to be seen in;</div> - <div class="verse indent4">When told that he shouldn’t</div> - <div class="verse indent4">He replied, Gumscrumrudent!</div> - <div class="verse indent0">A word of inscrutable meanin’!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_106"></a>[106]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">There was a gay damsel of Lynn,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Whose waist was so charmingly thin,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">The dressmaker needed</div> - <div class="verse indent4">A microscope—she did—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To fit this slim person of Lynn.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">There was a young lady named Anna,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Who sang in the choir soprano.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">The tenor said, There!</div> - <div class="verse indent4">As she mounted the stair,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I’ve both seen and heard your Hose, Anna!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">There was an old man in a tree</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Who was horribly bored by a bee,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">When they said, Does it buzz?</div> - <div class="verse indent4">He replied, Yes it does,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">It’s a regular brute of a bee!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Unless I’ve a new gown, said she,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I really can’t go to the tea.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">I’ve nothing to wear,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">My back is quite bare.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">You’re right in the style, then, said he.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">A proud young rooster named Gawk,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Was taking his flock for a walk;</div> - <div class="verse indent4">An auto whizzed by</div> - <div class="verse indent4">But Gawk wouldn’t fly,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And so naught was left but the squawk.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Belinda was building the fire,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">She knew the results might be dire,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">But to shorten her toil</div> - <div class="verse indent4">She poured on some oil—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And speedily winged her way higher.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_107"></a>[107]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">There was a young dude from the city</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Who tho’t he espied a nice kitty,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Her back he did pat,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Saying, good Kitty Cat—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">They buried his clothes—what a pity!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">There was a young man at St. Kitts</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Who was very much troubled with fits.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">The eclipse of the moon</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Threw him into a swoon,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When he tumbled and broke into bits.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">There was a young lady, quite rich,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Who heard funny noises, at which</div> - <div class="verse indent4">She took off her hat</div> - <div class="verse indent4">And found that her rat</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Had fallen asleep at the switch.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">There once was a girl of New York</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Whose body was lighter than cork</div> - <div class="verse indent4">She had to be fed</div> - <div class="verse indent4">For six weeks upon lead,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Before she went out for a walk.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">There once was a man with a beard</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Who said, It is just as I feared!</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Two owls and a hen,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Four larks and a wren</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Have all built their nests in my beard!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">There once was an amorous Mr.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Who on meeting a girl always Kr.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">But one night at the gate</div> - <div class="verse indent4">He learned when too late</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He’d been kissing the coachman’s black Sr.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_108"></a>[108]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">They had cut off a Chinaman’s queue,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And were painting his head a bright blueue;</div> - <div class="verse indent4">So the Chinaman said</div> - <div class="verse indent4">As they daubed at his head;</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When I sueue yueue, yueue’ll rueue what yueue dueue.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">There was a Princess of Bengal</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Whose mouth was exceedingly small;</div> - <div class="verse indent4">She said, It would be</div> - <div class="verse indent4">More easy for me</div> - <div class="verse indent0">To do without eating at all!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">A right-handed writer named Wright,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In writing “write” always wrote “rite.”</div> - <div class="verse indent4">He meant to write “write,”</div> - <div class="verse indent4">But he couldn’t write right—</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Who started this darn thing, anyway?</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">There was a young lady of Boston</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Whose manner had such a deep frost on.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">She invariably froze</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Every one of her beaux</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When her high plane of thought they got lost on.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">When you turn down your glass it’s a sign</div> - <div class="verse indent0">That you’re not going to take any wign,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">So turn down your plate</div> - <div class="verse indent4">When they serve things you hate</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And you’ll be asked out often to dign.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">There was an old person of Ware</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Who rode on the back of a bear.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">When they said, Does it trot?</div> - <div class="verse indent4">He said, Certainly not,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">It’s a Moppsikon Floppsikon bear.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_109"></a>[109]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Nan’s father, who lived in Nantucket,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Kept all of his cash in a bucket.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">But one day Miss Nan</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Eloped with a man,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And as for the cash, why Nan tuck it!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">There was an old man who said, Hush,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I perceive a young bird in this bush!</div> - <div class="verse indent4">When they said, Is it small?</div> - <div class="verse indent4">He replied, Not at all,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">It is four times as big as the bush!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Every fighter in khaki or blue</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Has a job he simply must do—</div> - <div class="verse indent4">He must stand by the flag,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">He must fight the red rag,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">The Legion will see the job through!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">There was a cowpuncher in Butte</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Who immediately started to shutte,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">When a girl who was brave</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Said, Your pants need a shave,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Otherwise you look awfully cutte!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">A cowboy with nothing to dioux</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Just for practice tried roping poor Lioux,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">It was excellent sport</div> - <div class="verse indent4">But Siouxn after in court</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He was siouxed for lassiouxing a Sioux!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">A broken down tenor named Squires</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Wrote thus to a half hundred choirs;</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Have you place I could fill?</div> - <div class="verse indent4">They replied “No,” but still</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He inquires in choirs in quires.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_110"></a>[110]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">There was a young lady named Jane</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Who said to herself, I’m too plain.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">I’m tired of duty,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Now I’ll seek beauty,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And beat Father Time at his game.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">There was a dear lady of Eden</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">She gave one to Adam</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Who said, Thank you madam,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And then both skedaddled from Eden.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Said the stuttering baritone Gantz</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When asked by the chorister Rantz,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">If it was his desire</div> - <div class="verse indent4">To sing in the choir,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I’d j-j-j-jump at the chants!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">A lady as proud as old Lucifer</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Is tired of her husband’s abucifer.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">She says she will see</div> - <div class="verse indent4">If she ever gets free</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Love doesn’t again make a gucifer.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent4">When Adam in bliss</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Asked Eve for a kiss,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">She puckered her lips with a coo,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Gave look so ecstatic,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">And answered emphatic,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">I don’t care A-dam if I do.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">She frowned on him and called him Mr.</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Because in fun he’d merely Kr.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">And then for spite</div> - <div class="verse indent4">The foll’wing nite</div> - <div class="verse indent0">This naughty Mr. Kr. Sr.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_111"></a>[111]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">There was a young lady named Stella,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Whose beau was a bow-legged fella.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">When he asked her to sit</div> - <div class="verse indent4">In his lap, why she lit</div> - <div class="verse indent0">On his soft corn, then how he did bella.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent4">Professor M’Dome of Saint Clair</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In five hours tracked a bear to his lair.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Mr. Bear was at home</div> - <div class="verse indent4">And Professor M’Dome</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Spent five minutes returning from there.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent4">I am so poor</div> - <div class="verse indent4">I can’t insure,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">He said, then died—(damnation!)</div> - <div class="verse indent4">His widow sighed,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Became a bride</div> - <div class="verse indent0">And thus escaped starvation.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">For beauty I am not a star,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">There are others more handsome by far.</div> - <div class="verse indent4">By my face I don’t mind it,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">For I am behind it,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">It’s the people in front that I jar.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">Dickery Dickery Doc,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">With patients lined up a block</div> - <div class="verse indent4">With fits and conniptions</div> - <div class="verse indent4">They wait for prescriptions</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Liquor me, liquor me, Doc.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent4">Any girl can be gay</div> - <div class="verse indent4">In a classy coupe,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">In a taxi they all can be jolly</div> - <div class="verse indent4">But the girl worth while</div> - <div class="verse indent4">Is the girl who can smile</div> - <div class="verse indent0">When you’re bringing her home on the trolley.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="Page_112"></a>[112]</span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="figcenter illowp63" style="max-width: 26.5625em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/illus1.jpg" alt="" /> -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">A sporty old chink named Wun Won</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Sat up playing fan tan for mon,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">At two he’d lost ten</div> - <div class="verse indent4">But he stuck to it—then</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Wun Won won one-one at 1:01.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse indent0">There once was a maiden of Siam</div> - <div class="verse indent0">Who said to her lover, young Kiam,</div> - <div class="verse indent4">If you kiss me, of course</div> - <div class="verse indent4">You will have to use force,</div> - <div class="verse indent0">But I’ll wager you’re stronger than I am.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SHEARED CREAM O' WIT ***</div> -<div style='text-align:left'> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will -be renamed. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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