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diff --git a/old/69006-h/69006-h.htm b/old/69006-h/69006-h.htm deleted file mode 100644 index 2f55ae7..0000000 --- a/old/69006-h/69006-h.htm +++ /dev/null @@ -1,9276 +0,0 @@ -<!DOCTYPE html> -<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> -<head> - <meta charset="UTF-8" /> - <title> - Blindfold, by Orrick Johns—A Project Gutenberg eBook - </title> - <link rel="icon" href="images/cover.jpg" type="image/x-cover" /> - <style> /* <![CDATA[ */ - -body { - margin-left: 10%; - margin-right: 10%; -} - - h1,h2 { - text-align: center; - clear: both; -} - -p { - margin-top: .51em; - text-align: justify; - margin-bottom: .49em; -} - -hr { - width: 33%; - margin-top: 2em; - margin-bottom: 2em; - margin-left: 33.5%; - margin-right: 33.5%; - clear: both; -} - -hr.tb {width: 45%; margin-left: 27.5%; margin-right: 27.5%;} -hr.chap {width: 65%; margin-left: 17.5%; margin-right: 17.5%;} -@media print { hr.chap {display: none; visibility: hidden;} } - -div.chapter {page-break-before: always;} -h2.nobreak {page-break-before: avoid;} - -.pagenum { - position: absolute; - left: 92%; - font-size: smaller; - text-align: right; - font-style: normal; - font-weight: normal; - font-variant: normal; - text-indent: 0; -} - -.blockquot { - margin-left: 17.5%; - margin-right: 17.5%; -} - -.x-ebookmaker .blockquot { - margin-left: 7.5%; - margin-right: 7.5%; -} - -.center {text-align: center;} - -.right {text-align: right;} - -.smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} - -.ph1 {text-align: center; font-size: large; font-weight: bold;} -.ph2 {text-align: center; font-size: xx-large; font-weight: bold;} - -div.titlepage {text-align: center; page-break-before: always; page-break-after: always;} -div.titlepage p {text-align: center; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.5; margin-top: 2em;} - -.xxxlarge {font-size: 250%;} -.xlarge {font-size: 150%;} -.large {font-size: 125%;} - -.indentright {margin-right: 10em;} - -.x-ebookmaker .hide {display: none; visibility: hidden;} - -.figcenter { - margin: auto; - text-align: center; - page-break-inside: avoid; - max-width: 100%; -} - -.poetry-container {text-align: center;} -.poetry {display: inline-block; text-align: left;} -.poetry .verse {text-indent: -2.5em; padding-left: 3em;} -.poetry .stanza {margin: 1em auto;} -.poetry .indent {text-indent: 1.5em;} -.poetry .first {text-indent: -3em; padding-left: 3em;} -.poetry .center {text-align: center;} -@media print { .poetry {display: block;} } -.x-ebookmaker .poetry {display: block;} - -.transnote {background-color: #E6E6FA; - color: black; - font-size:smaller; - margin-left: 17.5%; - margin-right: 17.5%; - padding: 1em; - margin-bottom: 1em; - font-family:sans-serif, serif; } - - /* ]]> */ </style> -</head> -<body> -<p style='text-align:center; font-size:1.2em; font-weight:bold'>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Blindfold, by Orrick Johns</p> -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online -at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you -are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the -country where you are located before using this eBook. -</div> - -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: Blindfold</p> -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Orrick Johns</p> -<p style='display:block; text-indent:0; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: September 17, 2022 [eBook #69006]</p> -<p style='display:block; text-indent:0; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</p> - <p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em; text-align:left'>Produced by: Tim Lindell, David E. Brown, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.)</p> -<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BLINDFOLD ***</div> - -<div class="figcenter hide"><img src="images/coversmall.jpg" width="450" alt="" /></div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> -<div class="chapter"> -<h1>BLINDFOLD</h1> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/i_title.jpg" alt="" /></div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> -<div class="titlepage"> - -<p><span class="xxxlarge">BLINDFOLD</span></p> - -<p><span class="xlarge"><i>By</i><br /> - -ORRICK JOHNS</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/i_titlelogo.jpg" alt="" /></div> - -<p>NEW YORK<br /> -<span class="large">LIEBER & LEWIS</span><br /> -1923</p> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p class="center">Copyright, 1923<br /> - -By <span class="smcap">Lieber</span> & <span class="smcap">Lewis</span></p> - -<p class="center">Printed in the U.S.A.</p> - -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p class="center"> -TO MY<br /> -FATHER<br /> - -<span class="large"><span class="smcap">George S. Johns</span>,</span><br /> - -IN GRATEFUL ACKNOWLEDGMENT<br /> -OF UNFAILING SYMPATHY<br /> -</p> -</div> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<p class="ph2">BLINDFOLD</p> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_1">[1]</span> -<p class="ph2">BLINDFOLD</p> - -<h2 class="nobreak">I</h2> -</div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Ellen Sydney’s</span> first garden in the Meadowburn’s -new American home had made a fair beginning. -She was at work one afternoon bending -over the bed of sweet peas, hooking the baby -tendrils to the wire mesh of the frame, with an -occasional pat of the soft dark earth beneath—the -earth which Bennet, the youngest of the family, -had brought by the basketful from a distance, to -enrich the yellow clay that filled in the property.</p> - -<p>School was just out and as she worked Bennet -banged into the hall, threw down his books -and rushed forth again with a shout to join his -comrades up the street. They were building a -“switch-back railway” from the second story rear -window of a neighbour’s house. She could just -glimpse the murderous rickety scaffolding of it -through the small leaves of the alley poplars.</p> - -<p>Fastening up the last of the tendrils to the wire, -Ellen heard Mrs. Osprey’s shrill voice calling from -quite half a block away to one of the Osprey boys. -She could not restrain a smile at the familiar -summons.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_2">[2]</span>“Poor woman,” thought she, “they do worry -her.” But she would no more have thought of -pitying Mrs. Osprey actually, than of feeling sorry -for Her Majesty Queen Alexandra, whom many -years in Canada had taught her to believe next -to the angels themselves.</p> - -<p>As she turned from the garden she heard a -still more familiar voice and Potter Osprey came -through the gate.</p> - -<p>“Hello, Ellen, mind my coming over?”</p> - -<p>“Oh, no! I’ve got to go in, though. Come in -the kitchen, I’m not very busy.” She had in fact -three easy hours before her, with dinner practically -prepared and a little ironing to do before she -put the dishes in the stove. Ironing was quite -pleasant if you had some one to talk to while you -did it.</p> - -<p>“Vacation’s only six weeks off now,” Potter -said as they walked up to the house. “Ain’t that -great! I hate school anyway.”</p> - -<p>“Ah, Potter, when you are doing so well at it! -Milly told me about the debates. She said you -were fine in them.”</p> - -<p>The monthly school debates were a point of -pride with him, and he betrayed a momentary embarrassment. -He had quite lost himself in the -vainglory of winning two of them in succession, or -of being on the winning side both times. He had -regretted that while they were in progress, especially -while he was on his feet, everybody he knew<span class="pagenum" id="Page_3">[3]</span> -had not been in the audience. So many people -were not. The thing that he feared in talking -about them to Ellen was that he would reveal -his satisfaction. So Milly had been gossiping -about them outside? That pleased him. Milly -was in the class below him, which sat in the same -room.</p> - -<p>He recovered his composure and spoke as though -of an ordinary matter.</p> - -<p>“Pshaw, the debates ain’t really school. -They’re different.... But look, Ellen, all the lots -around here are almost forests of weeds in the -summer. It’s great! You can hide in them, and -everything. They get over six feet high. And -there’s woods only a mile out west there, to swim -and camp in. If you have time we can walk there -some day.”</p> - -<p>Ellen’s face brightened at the prospect.</p> - -<p>“But it gets hot here in the summer,” he went -on, “awful hot—not like Winnipeg. You won’t -like that.”</p> - -<p>“Oh, I’ve lived in N’Orleans. It’s lots hotter -there.”</p> - -<p>“Yes, that’s so. That’s way down south, ain’t -it? I always think of you coming from Winnipeg. -Bennet talks about it all the time. He’s a Britisher -all right.”</p> - -<p>Ellen replied warmly.</p> - -<p>“Well, he shouldn’t be, even if they were born -in Canada. His father says he’s going to stand<span class="pagenum" id="Page_4">[4]</span> -by this country now, because it gives them a good -living and always has. He’s going to make them -all citizens.”</p> - -<p>Potter laughed. He was sitting perched up on -the kitchen table, his small feet dangling beneath -it and his cap in his hand.</p> - -<p>“I told Bennet we licked England twice and he -got hot under the collar. He’s funny. Did you -like it better up north?”</p> - -<p>“Yes, I guess I did. We used to have good times -in Winnipeg. The fellows always in the house, -my! It’ll be the same here after a while. Those -two girls get a crowd coming pretty quick. Only -we’ll never have snow like in Winnipeg. I did -love the snow, such sledding and skating!”</p> - -<p>“That’s the ticket!” agreed Potter, and added -with some disgust, “We hardly had one good -skate last winter—soon as it’d freeze it’d thaw! -But you should have seen the first winter we were -here. Almost two months of ice! This house -wasn’t here then—hardly any in this row were, -and gee, the way the wind used to blow! It -changes around here fast. Kirk broke his arm -falling through these joistses.”</p> - -<p>Potter swung down from the table and stood in -front of the ironing board, smiling up at the tall -woman, his hands in his pockets.</p> - -<p>“Say, Ellen, got something to eat? Just anything, -you know—I’ll tell you why I want it.”</p> - -<p>Ellen put down her iron on the metal guard<span class="pagenum" id="Page_5">[5]</span> -and went into the pantry. She returned with three -powdered doughnuts on a plate.</p> - -<p>“Here,” she said laughing. “You’re always -eating, Potter Osprey. Your mother told me I -was spoiling your appetite for meals.”</p> - -<p>“Thanks,” he said and went on between mouthfuls. -“I’ve been smoking. I thought something -to eat would take my breath away.”</p> - -<p>“Well, if that’s what you came here for you can -go right back home. You oughtn’t smoke—so -there!”</p> - -<p>Potter, however, did not stir; and for a time -there was no sound except the thumping of -Ellen’s iron on the thickly padded board. She -was thumping harder than need be, because she -was angry. She was often angry with him. Yet -his prolonged visits with her in the kitchen or on -the back stoop of a fine afternoon meant much to -her. The family already teased her, calling young -Osprey “Ellen’s pet.” Then Tom Meadowburn -reminded them that “Ellen always had a pet. -Remember Wolly Judson.” This sally caused an -uproar. Wolly Judson had been a Winnipegian -of sixty-eight, a town character, a tottering flirt, -who had brought the current gossip regularly to -Ellen’s door.</p> - -<p>Potter heard none of this chaffing, yet in his -talks with her he betrayed a small opinion of the -Meadowburns, all except his friend Bennet, with -whom he sang in the choir. Once he told her indignantly<span class="pagenum" id="Page_6">[6]</span> -that she worked too hard, she was spoiling -the whole family. Why didn’t the others do -more? Ellen laughed heartily. She did not believe -any such thing. It was her lot to work, and -keep at it until things were done.</p> - -<p>Ellen was neither by birth nor legal adoption a -member of the Meadowburn household. She lived -there, a fixture; and the principal advantages did -accrue to the family. They obtained a willing, -strong and tireless servant, modest and well-appearing -enough to be treated as a distant relative -(and consequently not paid except when chance -generosity dictated). She had been with the -Meadowburns since she was twelve, learning by -heart their various needs so that she could have -administered to them in her sleep. She was now -twenty-seven, a gaunt figure, black-eyed and above -the middle height. The face would have been -attractive but for the toughened swarthiness it had -acquired, and the cheeks perceptibly sunken by the -absence of jaw teeth.</p> - -<p>The Meadowburn children had grown up under -her care, the two eldest girls being little more than -babies at the time the orphan asylum in New Orleans -yielded her young and frightened body into -the hands of Mrs. Meadowburn. Ellen had found -time for those fretful and ill-tempered midgets, -in addition to keeping the house spotless, laundering -for six and cooking the meals. Mrs. Meadowburn -had been left free to nurse a collection of<span class="pagenum" id="Page_7">[7]</span> -modern ills, and to dream of her youth as the dark -beauty of a northwestern town. Since those days -a morose gloom had settled upon her handsome, -Indian-like face. Ellen had rarely known her to -laugh at all. Even the smile with which she -greeted her husband’s jokes was wan and half-hearted.</p> - -<p>It was to Ellen that Tom Meadowburn looked -for the fullest appreciation of his comic genius and -his masculine importance. Few men were more -conscious of both than he, and even in those -moments when the comic mask fell away completely, -there was something in the solemn air of -pompous judgment and disciplinary wisdom which -to any one but his adoring brood would have -seemed most funny.</p> - -<p>For Tom Meadowburn the world, whether of -New Orleans or Winnipeg, or the new city that -had lately taken them in, was a place where he and -the wife and children were “getting on.” The -Meadowburn household was, in his mind, something -very much like heaven, himself presiding. -For Ellen, as he often said, it was a refuge under -his protecting arm, wherein she need never come to -harm nor suffer want. And to her credit she believed -him and worked all the harder to please him.</p> - -<p>Physically Meadowburn was a tall stout man -with a heavy, pink, unwhiskered face, the pale eyelashes -and tow hair being lighter than his skin, -and the small, quick eyes a transparent, hardly<span class="pagenum" id="Page_8">[8]</span> -perceptible blue. As a humourist he was not one -of your torrential and generous laughers. He was -sly and dry, a wrinkle, the flicker of a smile, a -knowing arch of the eyebrows being his favourite -manner of accentuating his point. He was in the -habit of twitting Ellen on the subject of marriage.</p> - -<p>“Now then, my girl,” he would say, “what are -you keeping from us? What have you got up -your sleeve? Didn’t I hear you come in a little -late last night? Walking, eh—of course, not -<i>alone</i>? We wouldn’t permit you to walk alone.”</p> - -<p>“Ellen went to the drugstore for some medicine -for me, last night, Tom,” interposed his wife.</p> - -<p>“Well, well, Ellen,” he went on, “you must -remember you’re perfectly free. We wouldn’t -keep you from marrying when the right man comes -along.”</p> - -<p>“Yes, and maybe I will marry, sooner than you -think! You watch out, Mr. Meadowburn!”</p> - -<p>The pleasure of this stock joke lay in the fact -that none of the Meadowburns believed there was -danger of Ellen marrying, of any one caring to -marry her, at least, whose social position would -suit her. For she did not have kitchen-maid -standards, as they knew. And she believed there -was no danger either. She felt very old....</p> - -<p>It was into this somewhat harsh and lonely -existence that Potter had thrust his genial, boyish -appearance, and by some strange affinity of comradeship, -they had taken to each other at once.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_9">[9]</span> -He too, as she was soon to learn, was lonely and -cherished his dreams; and it comforted her to -have a champion—even so young and small a -champion as he. Was he so young and small? -There were times when he frightened her with -flashes of grown-up speech. It did not always -seem quite nice, quite appropriate. For example, -one evening when they were talking about perfectly -ordinary matters, he burst out:</p> - -<p>“You’re like Christ, Ellen. If He could be on -earth He wouldn’t love Dr. Minor or any of those -people in the church. He’d pick you.”</p> - -<p>Her first thought about this was that it was -deliberately bad, as bad as his smoking and his -score of other boy tricks. It was blasphemous and -wildly untrue. She sent him away in disgrace, -much discomfited and hurt. Probably this rudeness -of her own was what brought her so swiftly -around to forgiveness, or it may be that she came -to look kindly on his tribute. In any event, she -gave Bennet a note for him, a queer, misspelled, -dignified note....</p> - -<p>When Potter returned she told him that he -“must not think of Jesus as a person but as God, -and that was the end of it.”</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_10">[10]</span> - -<h2 class="nobreak">II</h2> -</div> - -<p><span class="smcap">The</span> next Spring, which followed on the heels -of his fourteenth birthday, held a wonder for -Potter Osprey such as he had not experienced before. -Until now the green buds and soft winds -had meant a time for the surreptitious stripping -off of shoes and stockings after school (and out of -sight of home), the agonizing anticipation of three -long months of holidaying, and the making of -limitless plans for outdoor fun. This year he -welcomed the bright weeks not as a rowdy boy, -but with a conscious relish that came from a -deeper source within him.</p> - -<p>The Spring itself, as if it also were filled with -a sense of unusual importance, was precocious. -When Potter, late every afternoon, ambled along -the several blocks of blatantly new sidewalks that -led to the church, the grass hid the softened brown -earth with an abundance of delicate colour -wherever feet had not trod, the robins and -squirrels skipped perilously about the pavements -and lawns oblivious of savage man, and exultant -banks of snowballs escaping over the picturesque -shingle- and iron-railed barriers of the old -Clemons place, were just on the point of changing -from their pale shade of willow bark into<span class="pagenum" id="Page_11">[11]</span> -round fluffs of dazzling white as big as a boy’s -head.</p> - -<p>These Lenten afternoons were moments of solitary -poetry in his days. The still church, the long -slanting rays which came through the coloured -glass windows to the west; the faint perfumes -that rose into the ogival shadows above the nave, -emanating from the hair and handkerchiefs and -bodices of lady worshippers, who made up the -majority (and the subtle pleasure with which he -felt the eyes of these fine women on his broadening -back as he walked down to the chancel carrying -the offertory); the pervasive, vibrant drone -of the organ, which had always been like a physical -caress to him; and the saintly beaked profile of the -rector, Dr. Minor, with its high, peeled brows, and -black, unruly hair, dominating an almost chinless -jaw; and, finally, between the breathing of the -organ pipes, and the shrill singing of the feminine -congregation, Dr. Minor’s broad Virginia accents -and consoling overtones and melancholy quavers—all -these sensations produced a mingling of -peace and the awareness of sacrifice, which was -like a bath of goodness.</p> - -<p>The church itself was charming to look at, -built in the late ’eighties of shingles now coloured -a warm brown by many rains, and properly vine-hung. -The little building with its limited open -meadow and well-grown trees drew him at times -when he had no particular business there. It was<span class="pagenum" id="Page_12">[12]</span> -a favourite place to read. Often he would arrive -an hour or more before the service and sit huddled -up in one of the corners of the deep verandah, -intent upon his pastime, until the brisk step of -the rector sounded on the boards below; and if -Dr. Minor happened to espy him he would be -conducted cheerily into the study, while the lanky -priest put on his vestments and asked him -questions about his work at school and the health -of his “dear mother,” who, much to the clergyman’s -disappointment, came almost never to the -services.</p> - -<p>These innocent confidences sometimes went so -far as a mild spiritual examination which had -more significance than its casualness indicated. -Minor regarded young Osprey as promising -material for the ministry.</p> - -<p>“The type for scholarship and consecration,” -he told his wife. “A sensitive boy, thoughtful and -retiring—Oh, manly, manly enough! A little conviction -would turn that into spiritual leadership. -His family could do nothing better than give him -a seminary training. And a part of our duty, my -dear, is to be fishers of men, to look out for new -recruits to bring under His banner.”</p> - -<p>Minor loved to roll forth militant symbols in his -reflections upon the mission of the Church. His -early gods had been the deeply pious heroes of -the South. Stonewall Jackson and General Lee -took rank with him very little below the Apostles.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_13">[13]</span>There was one other who shared this secret -ambition for Potter—Ellen Sydney—until a recent -incident in which he had figured shook her -faith.</p> - -<p>This affair produced something of a scandal in -the Osprey family. Searching one day through -the shelves of an old closet for one of his brother -Kirk’s discarded school books which it was now -his turn to use, the boy had come across a half -dozen large, handsomely bound portfolios. He -had drawn one out and leaved it over, fascinated -on the instant. The sheets were of lovely texture, -beautifully printed, and the covers of a flexible, -warm-toned, heavy parchment. He felt a sense of -incomparable luxury in the very touch of the books.</p> - -<p>The contents were no less absorbing. Between -the pages of French text were reproductions of -paintings hung in the Paris salons of the mid-’nineties, -the majority of them nudes of that -languishing and silken type beloved by the French -school of that day, the studio renderings of a -flock of anonymous Bouguereaus. Forgetting his -search for the school books, Potter took the volumes -to an attic room where he consulted them -many times in the following weeks, and a collection -of nude sketches came from his pencil, copied -sometimes from the originals and sometimes -attempted from memory.</p> - -<p>The upshot of it was that his mother swooped -upon him one day just as he was finishing a<span class="pagenum" id="Page_14">[14]</span> -particularly elaborate drawing. It was taken from -him and shown in excited secrecy to John Osprey.</p> - -<p>Osprey was cut of a different cloth from -Meadowburn. In a ruminant, half-serious talk (a -ray of amusement flickered in his eye on actually -facing the boy alone) he quoted the Scripture according -to St. Paul, and enjoined him to resist -putting away childish things until he was on the -way to become a man. Then he dropped a sly -hint that if the youthful artist really had to draw -improper subjects it would be a good thing to keep -them from his mother. There was other good -advice to the effect that it was both harder and -more practical to draw people the way they were -usually seen in life, but this passed largely over -Potter’s head.</p> - -<p>He promptly diagnosed the interview as a vindication -and he saw no harm in telling the adventure -to Ellen, but to his utter surprise she was -inexpressibly shocked; so much so that she left -him on the Meadowburn steps without even a good-night.</p> - -<p>As he had related the story, coolly, indeed boastfully -to her, the feeling came over her that the -next time she raised her eyes to observe him she -would see a coarse, swarthy young man with stubble -whiskers whom she ought to be afraid of. The -contrast between this fancy and his actual appearance -was a little laughable—yet the notion of his -interest in a woman’s body, a thing he could not,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_15">[15]</span> -as she reasoned, naturally have seen or even been -strongly moved to see, was more than she could -grasp.</p> - -<p>For many days she watched him passing the -house with other boys, his eyes casting furtive and -unhappy glances at its windows, and hardened -her heart. Then she could bear it no longer, and -once more Potter received a scarcely legible, lady-like -note of prim forgiveness.</p> - -<p>To-night he was to see her for the first time -since that event....</p> - -<p>In Creve Cœur suburb a clear division existed -between the old and the new, marked by a certain -trolly line. Northward lay the flat, banal commons -in which the Ospreys and the Meadowburns lived, -but to the south were houses mellowed by long -custom, set deep in cool lawns, and facing arched -avenues of maples and elms under which one trod -decaying and rickety pine-board walks or crossed -the tremulous bridges spanning a serpentine creek -that drained the valley.</p> - -<p>The quaint modesty of Florissant lane, its uselessness -and hidden charm—the thick maples and -high shrubbery cutting off even the sight of neighbouring -windows—made it a fairy road, a retreat -in which Potter had already learned to spend fine -mornings of October and May when his mother -thought him safely at school. As for Ellen, her -first autumn glimpse of it, nearly a year ago, had -taken her back to greener memories in the north.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_16">[16]</span> -She could never walk there too often; it was as -near to complete demoralization and unbounded -luxury as anything her starved imagination -could picture.</p> - -<p>Ordinarily they sat upon the steep terraced -slope at the end of the lane, whence one could look -down its leaf-fretted vista, or peer over one’s -shoulder into the sombre depths of the rarely-visited -Florissant place, but to-night he was more -venturesome. He led her through the path behind -the wall of Annunciation’s big enclosure, until -they came to the end of the terrace. Beyond was -an open field, once the pasture of the Florissants, -and still a part of the property, empty and unused. -In its centre through the dusk loomed a -dark little hillock clustered with poplars and fir-trees.</p> - -<p>It was not hard to believe oneself continents -away from the noise of any familiar street or the -lights of Creve Cœur houses. Directly fronting -them lay the dim mass of Annunciation, its half -dozen French turrets and many spires floating -out of the treetops into crystalline starlight. Potter -had often sat in that very spot and pondered -on the mystery of this religious stillness, on the -utter distance which separated its life from any he -had known, its community of young and vital -beauty sternly and perhaps rebelliously subordinated -to withered holiness. By a paradox of the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_17">[17]</span> -law of boyhood, the girls in the convent—boarders -from comfortable families everywhere in the states—were -the subject of vulgar joking among the -youngsters thereabouts.</p> - -<p>To Ellen the convent was not benign; it was a -little terrifying and monstrous. All her life she -had been awestruck by anything that suggested the -gigantic and august power of Rome, and her head -was full of legends concerning that religion and -its devotees. Superstition had required of her that -she regard them—not as individuals but in the -mass—as a sinister species apart from ordinary -people.</p> - -<p>Potter remarked that when there was bright -moonlight the steep slate pitches of the convent -roof looked as though they were sheeted in snow.</p> - -<p>“There’s lots more of those places in Canada -than here,” said she. “They’re not all that they -should be, either. Think of sending young girls -there!”</p> - -<p>“Why not?” he asked.</p> - -<p>She now regretted her outburst and was annoyed -at his question. She answered primly:</p> - -<p>“Why, I wouldn’t tell you, of course.”</p> - -<p>He laughed, unconcerned and superior.</p> - -<p>“Pshaw, I know what you mean. I’ve heard -those stories too—about nuns being in love with -priests. But I don’t believe them.”</p> - -<p>“Oh, you don’t?” inquired Ellen sarcastically.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_18">[18]</span> -It was not that she did not think it admirable of -him to dislike believing evil of people, but one need -not go so far as to defend Catholics....</p> - -<p>“No,” he said. “You know why?”</p> - -<p>“Well, why, smarty?”</p> - -<p>“Because even people outside of such places, -convents and the like, even people who are grown -up and free to do as they please—well, they never -do anything they want to do. I mean things that -just pop into their heads to do.”</p> - -<p>“Ah, don’t they?” asked Ellen, by this time -amused, “And how are you so sure they don’t?”</p> - -<p>“I just know. They’re too dog-goned cowardly.”</p> - -<p>“Well!” she exclaimed, “that’s a fine thing to be -calling people who behave themselves!”</p> - -<p>“Then they don’t think of anything bad that -they want to do,” he persisted. “You wouldn’t -call that being good, would you, Ellen? Pshaw, -what’s the credit in that?”</p> - -<p>“It’s well for them they don’t think of such -things,” she declared. “To hear you, a person -would believe you wanted to be tempted.”</p> - -<p>“No, I hate it, honestly,” he replied, and she -felt that he was trying to speak truly of himself. -“I used to say that part of the Lord’s prayer, -about ‘lead us not into temptation,’ over twice. -I did, for a long time. Because, you see, I’m really -tempted—always, every minute.”</p> - -<p>He paused after this announcement, which, in<span class="pagenum" id="Page_19">[19]</span> -spite of his sincerity, had a note of pride, and Ellen -broke in, thinking that the moment had come to -speak of what was most in her mind.</p> - -<p>“Potter, you haven’t been making any more of -those pictures, have you?”</p> - -<p>She felt him shift quickly to the defensive.</p> - -<p>“Yes, I have,” he said. “I’ve finished two -more.”</p> - -<p>“Well, I’m ashamed of you.”</p> - -<p>“Why do you mind them so much, Ellen?”</p> - -<p>“You don’t have to ask me why.”</p> - -<p>“But I do, because my father didn’t think -they were bad. He only lectured me for show!” -He chuckled at the recollection.</p> - -<p>“Ah, Potter, your father is a grown man! Men -do lots of things that you shouldn’t think about. -You’re just a child. Those pictures! What’s the -good of them anyway? Nice people wouldn’t have -them around.”</p> - -<p>“Some people would!” he declared stoutly. -“They’re beautiful, or my father wouldn’t have -kept them ... and the one I’ve just finished is -the best, oh, lots the best I’ve done!”</p> - -<p>She sensed a strain of profound unhappiness in -his voice, and all her instincts flew to soothe the -hurt.</p> - -<p>“I don’t mean to be hard on you, Potter,” she -said. “You worry me, that’s all. I can’t see why -you bother about these things that other people -never think of.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_20">[20]</span>“Aw,” he said, “never mind, Ellen. I guess I -don’t know what I want. It’s no fun being a boy -when you’d like to be a man.”</p> - -<p>They both fell silent, listening to the trees -chattering overhead like live things. The breeze -that stirred them was growing chill, and Potter, -responding to the kindlier tone of his companion, -moved closer to her. His last words and this unconscious -movement of affection touched her. She -put a rough, friendly hand on his arm, and they -sat there in silence for a time. It was he who broke -it....</p> - -<p>Suddenly a strange plea came pouring from his -lips in a torrent of eager words, a plea that she -all at once realized she had many times before -dreaded—and laughed at herself for dreading.... -She sat, scarcely breathing, with averted -face. He ended abruptly, frightened at the sound -of his own voice. She said nothing. Surely she -understood him. What was she thinking?</p> - -<p>She turned toward him at last, and he found -himself looking into her black eyes that glowed -like coals despite the mantle of dusk. Her parted -lips closed in a tight line.</p> - -<p>“Well,” she said, with slow emphasis, “if that’s -what you mean, I’ll tell you this. I will never -do such a thing.”</p> - -<p>She was on her feet in an instant, her tall body -like a statue of rebuke crushing him in its shadow.</p> - -<p>“Come,” she said coldly.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_21">[21]</span>“Yes,” he replied. “I’m sorry, I’m awfully -sorry, Ellen.”</p> - -<p>At that moment, as they started homeward from -Florissant’s field with the darkness between them, -her swishing, angry stride filling him with a new -knowledge of mystery and awe, there was no doubt -that they both meant what they said. But in -Ellen a certain helplessness and fear were born. -Struggle as she might from now on his very -presence would be a menace, and his presence was -more than ever a necessity. For the cry that he -was uttering was one that her own heart understood.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>So it happened that a few months later when the -Osprey family were at a country hotel for the -summer, he and Ellen met in the empty house and -walked hand in hand through the rooms—her -sworn promise whirling in his brain. She was stiff -and awkward, but he was in high spirits, perhaps -a little hysterical, fondly imagining he was entering -upon a new paradise of experience....</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_22">[22]</span> - -<h2 class="nobreak">III</h2> -</div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Emmet Roget</span>, twenty, and Potter Osprey, nineteen, -both juniors at the University, were sitting -naked one afternoon on the long parapet which -formed one of the banks of Milton’s abandoned -quarry. Behind them the stone wall fell away a -sheer twenty feet to the gulch below. In front, -licking the tops of the three-foot barrier, lay the -broad sheet of deep, clear water. Their white -bodies dripped opaline flakes in the sunset. From -time to time they shivered in the chilly late September -wind.</p> - -<p>A pale, luminous dory of a moon floated low in -the delicately blue and pink expanse of sky that -lay over the town. The surrounding flat country -was infinitely still, infinitely peaceful.</p> - -<p>Potter suddenly droned forth in the melancholy -baritone the two affected when reading Swinburne -and other modern poets:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="first">“The wandering moon, an optimistic sprite</div> -<div class="verse">Etched a pale border ’round the face of night....”</div> -</div></div> - -<p>Emmet was silent for a moment, and then as -though the sound of the quotation had travelled -to him from a distance, burst out:</p> - -<p>“Gosh, man, where did you get that?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_23">[23]</span>The other reached over boisterously and clapped -his friend’s shoulder.</p> - -<p>“A trial of my own! All you need to be a poet -is to suffer from insomnia, the way I did the other -night.”</p> - -<p>“Well, you can write.”</p> - -<p>“Eh? But I’d so much rather paint.”</p> - -<p>“Better look out. You may have more talent -for writing than for painting.” Potter sensed a -criticism in the remark, which he privately resented.</p> - -<p>“No, the thing I’ll never be able to do is the -thing I’m going to do.”</p> - -<p>Emmet did not reply at once, and his sleepy -blue eyes, long and narrow between the lids, rested -upon an indefinable point of distance. The wind -ruffled his dark curly hair that grew low on the -brow and temples. He was the handsomer of the -two.</p> - -<p>“Damn specialists and specialism,” he said. -“I keep thinking about a synthesis of the arts. -Take the theatre, for example. Why not do something -like Wagner did—in a lighter, more lyric -vein? Bring all the arts together and create a -new art? I hate this little business of one man -with a pen, one man with a brush and another -with a piano, none of them understanding each -other.”</p> - -<p>“A synthesis of the arts is contradictory,” said -Osprey. “Only Nature can accomplish it, at any<span class="pagenum" id="Page_24">[24]</span> -rate, and Nature and art are sworn enemies. -Nature takes a tree and gives it form and colour; -its leaves rustle and its branches are wood-winds. -Then in certain lights the tree will have the elusive, -the startling quality of poetry. There you -have sculpture, painting, music and literature—but -it isn’t art, and, thank God, art never will be -such a pudding.”</p> - -<p>“Nevertheless,” replied Roget, without controversy -and as if to himself, “Nevertheless something -can be done that way. What about the -church in Renaissance Italy and elsewhere? That -was a synthesis—a man didn’t paint just to be -painting something of his own. He painted for -God’s sake.”</p> - -<p>It was really cold by now, and a moment later -they were hastily dressing. Roget murmured:</p> - -<p>“‘The wandering moon, an optimistic sprite, -etched a pale border ’round the face of night.’ -<i>Ce n’est pas mal.</i> It’s pictorial and yet it’s literary -too. Perhaps you will use words to fix your -notions for painting. What’s that, in a sense, -but synthesis, old-timer?” he finished jubilantly.</p> - -<p>They went home in the dusk. These were the -perfect hours college gave them....</p> - -<p>The rural University town of the central states, -in the period when electric lighting and telephones -were young, when the automobile was as yet a -rarity, and the popular senior took his best girl -out riding Sundays behind a smart livery tandem,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_25">[25]</span> -may have been hideous to modern eyes with its -muddy streets, its wooden dwellings and its old-time -murky brick and brownstone halls, but it -had a mellow and quiet charm that comported well -with the spirit of scholarship.</p> - -<p>This charm we may assume has been swept away -forever. Gasoline and commercial growth, endowments, -tudorized architecture, prohibition, short-skirted -and long-headed women, energetic chancellors, -a wealthier class of students, up-to-date -burgher emporiums, moving picture palazzos, -Grecian banks, and other vanities of the wicked -age have hidden that erstwhile scene, with its air -of leisure and moderation, beneath a slick financial -veneer that nothing but the fall of federal empire -and the end of progress will ever wipe off.</p> - -<p>When Potter Osprey arrived at the Athens of -his native state it was still a function of one’s -education to sit with the more or less elect twice -a week in one of the three saloons and beer up, to -the point where one navigated with difficulty the -crossings of perilously high stepping stones and -sometimes fell off into honest Athenian mud, which -accumulated in viscid pools a foot deep.</p> - -<p>If one was only a freshman one might have to -be contented with the private room of the “Bucket -of Blood”—in a small rear section of which -negroes were allowed to drink. Later on, you -aimed for the private room at Steve Ball’s. The -Y.M.C.A. and the Cadet Corps, the latter also a<span class="pagenum" id="Page_26">[26]</span> -moral training camp under the guise of military -orders, throve, but only among the groundlings. -Two obscure fraternities out of twelve admitted -members who would stoop to either, unless they -were recommended by extraordinary prowess in -other and more popular directions.</p> - -<p>In those days the dirt-stained farmers in jack-boots -came to town Saturday morning with heavy -carts of solid produce and departed at nightfall -with almost equally heavy burdens of liquid joy. -Afternoon strollers got their legs inextricably -mixed with frantic, squealing hogs, and the -smell of fresh manure rose to the fifth story of -the Attic House, the tallest building on the local -Broadway. Nowadays the farmers come snorting -in in Cadillacs as often as they please and go home -sober to tot up the double entry ledger with -“mommer.” It is a changed world and undoubtedly -a more leisurely one for college disciplinary -committees.</p> - -<p>Potter’s progress for a year had consisted in -desperate efforts to escape his classes toward the -end of the week, and to regain some hold on them -at the beginning. As often happens, in spite of such -practices, or perhaps because of the extra spurts -of effort which they made necessary, he regularly -stood well in his studies. His second year, however, -from the standpoint of conduct, was an improvement -over the first. Roget put in an appearance, -and Osprey wearied somewhat of smutty<span class="pagenum" id="Page_27">[27]</span> -anecdotes, at the telling of which he was never -skilful, and found a genuine interest growing in -him for his language classes, and even for mathematics.</p> - -<p>In the entire town, beside the poet, there had -been two people in whom he took an interest. One -was a thin, rather angular but not uncomely instructress -in the art classes, who had come from -New York and the Art Students’ League. Potter -never probed her jolly, untroubled character very -deeply, but she had a firm pencil stroke that he -admired, and after a few talks with her he discovered -that she breathed a freer air than the -folk at Athens. To his fraternity brothers she -was a frump, socially impossible. The feminine -ideal of the day was the type of Miss Carroll of -Carrollton, or Miss Brown from Brownhaven, rich -father, proud virtue, sentimental possibilities and -skill in the small town graces.</p> - -<p>His second admiration was a grey-haired, lean -descendant of one of the oldest families in town, -a certain Oliver Pruyd, whose hawk-beaked face -habitually wore an ironic grin. He was supposed -to correspond with the metropolitan newspapers, -and his unofficial scholarship had achieved a certain -subrosa reputation. But his gains in his -vocation were obviously slender and it was not -his scholarship that brought him distinction. -Pruyd was the only known addict to the use of -morphine of whom the community could boast.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_28">[28]</span>Osprey’s acquaintance with him had been casual. -There was something sinister in Pruyd’s mocking -expression and wrinkled, flavescent skin. Once, -however, the younger man had achieved the brilliance -of seeking him out in his small den over the -pool and billiard hall, an indescribably neat and -carefully arranged place, walled with books and -piles of periodicals. Pruyd proved stimulating -through three drinks, introducing many hints of -literary sources and art lore hitherto strange to -his companion. In the days of his family’s wealth -he had ruined his usefulness by overlong haunting -of the byways of Europe.</p> - -<p>Beginning with the fourth bourbon, however, -the conversation descended to common levels, and -the affair ended with their staggering down Broadway -like any two other louts expelled from Steve -Ball’s at the closing hour.</p> - -<p>The only other consolation was the college -library. In its actual precincts he was often uncomfortable -because he was critically inspected by -elderly persons at the desk for his curious taste -in books. This alternately intimidated and enraged -him—and almost barred him from the use -of the library. But from it he obtained Pater’s -“Marius” and “Renaissance,” prints of Hogarth -and Daumier and Michelangelo, “Tom Jones” -and Balzac, Rousseau and Voltaire, stray bits of -Wilde and Beardsley, and sprinklings of the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_29">[29]</span> -French symbolists—shuddersome bombs in those -days.</p> - -<p>The art class, one of the main objectives of his -course (and the sop which his father had thrown -him in urging him to take a well-rounded education -before he settled down to his choice) was a puerile -and primary bore after the first day, a repetition -of the drawing of casts in charcoal, to which he had -devoted two years at high school—with a prim -sketch hour thrown in twice a week in the evening, -the members of the class serving as models for -fifteen minute studies.</p> - -<p>A few weeks after the conversation with Emmet -Roget at Milton’s Pond, Potter was sitting with -a full assemblage of his fraternity brothers at a -breakfast of oatmeal swimming in blue milk, biscuits -and rancid butter—which was all the country -town could furnish for some curious reason—and -pork chops well immersed in grease. The -house manager that season was an economist, -loudly cursed at every meal, but immensely appreciated -at the end of the month when the pro-rated -statements came around.</p> - -<p>They were not a well-to-do nor a polished crowd. -Raw-boned, plebeian, familiar—tobacco-chewers -from the agricultural towns getting their first taste -of a dress suit—they nevertheless had their pride -and social standards. Potter, for example, though -he liked them well enough—indeed had been dazzled<span class="pagenum" id="Page_30">[30]</span> -by several of their more suave and persuasive -members during the first few weeks after his -matriculation—was now, on account of those -standards, nursing a private feud against the -whole organization. The cause of this feud was -their refusal to invite Emmet Roget to join, a man, -thought he, better bred than any of them. They -had taken in two gawky, mannerless Freshmen -that year, sons of zinc barons from the mining -counties, but they would not have Roget.</p> - -<p>Potter understood the reason well enough, but -his resentment was all the more keen on that account. -Roget was rejected for personal characteristics -which he himself would like to have exhibited -oftener. He, also, did not quite belong -in the group, and his influence, which for some -reason was not inconsiderable, would have waned -quickly had he been more frank about his own -tastes. Roget did not lack that frankness. He -was poor, but poverty was no bar in that fraternity. -The trouble was that he was not ashamed of -having won the Whittier prize for verse in his -freshman year. He had needed the money. He -pronounced his name in the French manner and -sat in a corner quietly cynical at dances. He was -pretty generally admired by girls, but that could -be a fault in a person you instinctively disliked; -and he turned up one evening at a smoker wearing -a wrist watch. In the first administration of<span class="pagenum" id="Page_31">[31]</span> -Roosevelt, a man was either a “good scout” or a -“crumb,” and the best looking and brainiest chap -on earth, if he did these things, was a crumb.</p> - -<p>The crowd was beginning to leave the breakfast -table, some of them rushing off to eight o’clock -classes and others moiling onto the porch for the -first Bull Durham “drag” of the day, and bawling -a good-natured “hello, men” to students hurrying -past from other houses.</p> - -<p>Potter had an eight o’clock class and was late. -As he started off, however, he took up a letter addressed -to him, from the table in the hall, and -stopped in his tracks. He stared again at the -superscription and the eight o’clock class dropped -completely from his mind. The letter was in a -hand that he knew well, and the sight of it instantly -smote him with fear. He looked about to -see if any one was watching and turned to flee to -the bathroom upstairs, the only place in the house -where privacy was possible. On second thought -he walked quietly by the group on the porch and -went up the street. A ten minute lope brought -him to the deserted little nine-hole golf course -outside of town. He could not help thinking how -benign, how untroubled the fields were in the -brisk, delicious morning. They calmed his pounding -blood and sent a wave of optimism through -him.</p> - -<p>“What a fool I was to miss my class,” he muttered<span class="pagenum" id="Page_32">[32]</span> -aloud. “It may not be anything at all.” -He sat down on a sandbox and hurriedly opened -the letter.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>“Dear Potter,” it ran, “It’s happened as I was -afraid. I’m nearly three months gone. Dr. -Schottman won’t help me. He says he never does -that. I haven’t got much money, and don’t know -what I’m to do.</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="indentright">“Yours truly,</span><br /> -“<span class="smcap">Ellen</span>.”</p> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_33">[33]</span> - -<h2 class="nobreak">IV</h2> -</div> - -<p><span class="smcap">The</span> blow, which he had many times dreaded, -but which for two long years he had thought of as -blissfully escaped, had fallen. Until the summer -just passed, that length of time had elapsed—the -first two years of his University life—during -which the affair with Ellen had reverted to its -original innocence. Before that they had drifted -on, taking what opportunities they could find. -Potter, sometimes conscious that the thing was -an ordinary slavery, had struggled against it from -time to time, but half-heartedly. Habit and gratification -were too strong. Then, in a blinding flash -of awakened responsibility, he realized that -physical consequences followed such relations, -and under the guise of moral repentance, he went -to her and told her he wished to end it.</p> - -<p>Ellen acquiesced simply enough in this, as she -acquiesced, perforce, in everything that concerned -her. She dumbly worshipped him, but she knew -how much that mattered.</p> - -<p>Then had come the summer of this year. It was -accident that threw them together one night, one -very magical night, as Potter recalled. Both -were lonely; the Meadowburn family were all -away on an August journey. Their old intimacy,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_34">[34]</span> -which in reality had been sordid and furtive, took -on a certain beauty—the sentiment of past things. -Under that momentary glamour forgetfulness -took possession of them.</p> - -<p>“She said,” recalled Potter, “that was the first -time she had been thoroughly happy and secure.”</p> - -<p>He ruminated on, connecting this sudden, vivid -pleasure of hers, this mood of safety and surrender, -with the deadening outcome they now faced. -His own fear had never left him since that night—that -one night, for it had had no sequel. Now -he interpreted the event fatalistically. Nature -had waited for that happy mood of Ellen’s before -making her a mother. Nature was a subtle -monster, a thing of scheming purposes. She let -you go on and on with impunity and then tripped -you when you weren’t thinking, when you felt particularly -strong because you had put up a long -fight against her. She could even, in this awful -moment, make him thrill with the knowledge of -having created life....</p> - -<p>Potter had never had a confidant in the affair -with Ellen. So far as he knew the secret was her -own and his, and had been from the beginning. -And it was something of a miracle, considering -their narrow escapes from detection.</p> - -<p>But now that he needed support there was no -one to turn to. Roget was the last person in the -world to whom he could take such a tale. He had -an idea that Roget would laugh him to scorn or<span class="pagenum" id="Page_35">[35]</span> -question his taste in becoming the victim of such -an intimacy. Roget had been raised among -women and had acquired a knowledge of them -that made his relations toward them seem little -short of uncanny to Potter. He gave the impression -of being successful with many and quite uninvolved -with all. To Potter women were the -paralyzing mystery. It was one of the subjects on -which he and Roget did not meet.</p> - -<p>Had there been an older man in town with whom -he had developed any sympathy, a faculty member -or a person in authority of any kind, he would -have gone to him. There were many questions; -there was money to be got; there was common-sense -guidance needed as to doctors and other -such matters, instinctively repugnant and dreadful -to him.</p> - -<p>Marriage! Sometimes in the dead of night, -lying awake with his fears, anticipating just this -predicament, he had experienced exaltations, -mystic desires for sacrifice and immolation and -simple, laborious living; it was a surviving remnant -of his intense religious life as a very young -boy. In such moments his mind had admitted the -idea of marriage. In broad day, the thought became -abhorrent. And in all the broad days that -had preceded this one, his fears also had melted -with the sun; but now they would not melt.... -He knew perfectly well that he would urge marriage -upon Ellen, sincerely in a fashion. He knew<span class="pagenum" id="Page_36">[36]</span> -also that she would flatly refuse, and that he -would accept her refusal with relief.</p> - -<p>Yet what was she to do? He counted on no -sympathy from the prudish Meadowburns. They -would loudly invoke the names of their young -daughters and fly from the scene. The family -physician, Schottman, a tolerant German-born -physician of real ability, had taken an odd sort of -liking to Ellen and never visited the house without -having a talk with her wherever he happened -to find her at work. He had been their hope in -earlier discussions. With him, there would be no -danger, while with others—Potter writhed before -the spectres of horrible little operating rooms, of -death in agony, of murder and police and squint-eyed -judges with nose-glasses. But Ellen’s letter -had settled Schottman.</p> - -<p>It was past noon before he realized it, and the -golf links were becoming populated by a few -straggling faculty men with clubs. He aimed for -an outlying street which led into town and the act -of motion toward a definite objective revived his -spirits, which had been sinking hopelessly into the -quicksand of despair. He went to the bank and -drew out all of his small balance but a dollar. -The previous day his check had come and he had -paid his scot for October at the fraternity house. -It was rare that his remittances from home exceeded -forty dollars a month. He converted the -larger part of the sum he withdrew into a money<span class="pagenum" id="Page_37">[37]</span> -order at the Post Office and mailed it to Ellen, -with a short note in which he told her he would -see her somehow before long, and if possible to -do nothing until then.</p> - -<p>“Money,” he thought, as he stepped out of the -Post Office, “if one just had enough money one -could fix up anything!”—an idea that had come -to him before in many a tight place and morning -after. He fell to day-dreaming about what he -would do for Ellen if he had money, money in his -hand, money in plenty.</p> - -<p>The mailing of the letter had brought a sudden -release to his feelings. It would cheer her up to -hear from him.</p> - -<p>In this state he responded more willingly to -passing acquaintances, did not avoid the livery -stable man and the candy man, and the dozen other -town bodies who were always about. Catastrophes, -he reflected, had their good points. They -furnished a reason for cutting classes and loafing -on a beautiful Fall day. He was tempted for a -moment to call on Roget, who lived, as no one but -he would have lived, on the native side of Broadway, -a short distance off. But he decided against -it. He would be pressed to talk about his trouble -and that he had resolved not to do except in the -worst extremity, and certainly not to Roget.</p> - -<p>The decision to avoid Emmet left him no alternative, -and he drifted into Steve Ball’s bar. -Those dark, quiet, wet-smelling precincts were deserted<span class="pagenum" id="Page_38">[38]</span> -at that hour, so far as his familiars were -concerned. He was glad they were. It would -not have been easy to conceal the turmoil within -him, if forced into an extended conversation. He -would take a drink or two, slowly, he concluded, -go home and try to forget the whole thing, and to-morrow -with a hard head, he would work out a -plan of action.</p> - -<p>Frank, the experienced bar man, wiped up the -much scarred and initialled table of the private -room, and hovered in the doorway with a friendly -smile.</p> - -<p>“This is the sort of companionship a fellow -needs in my fix,” thought Potter. “Nothing like -it. A good barkeep.”</p> - -<p>Frank, however, soon proved too busy to talk, -and Potter was left to his own thoughts. The effect -which liquor usually had on him was to produce -three distinct stages. It plunged him first -into a dreamy and altogether pleasant condition, -in which his lot appeared the rosiest in the world, -and he radiated good will on all sides. This led -to melancholy and a gradual feeling of boredom -with everything, aggravated by a tendency to analyze -his wrongs and conduct long, unspoken conversations -about them with the persons presumed -to be responsible for wronging him. Then followed -a feverish desire for physical motion, and -the making of quick decisions, obeyed on the instant, -however ill-advised.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_39">[39]</span>The first state of high spirits brought him agreeably -to six o’clock when he left Steve Ball’s for -fear of encountering early drinkers from the -Campus. He was hungry and bolted sandwiches -and coffee in a nameless lunch-wagon around the -corner. He found himself after that in the -“Bucket of Blood.” Night had fallen; the place -was unspeakably sordid with its dim lamps and -shuffling bums, and his problem once more assumed -proportions that harried him. He began to assail -Ellen for ever having permitted the intimacy to -start. Then he quickly reacted from that attack. -A profound, overwhelming wave of self-abasement -engulfed him. If there was suffering to be -done poor Ellen would endure all of it. She had -been his victim and had given him what she had -to give, in all things. Had their ages been precisely -reversed, he could not have been more responsible.</p> - -<p>As he ordered another bottle of beer, he became -acutely conscious that his money was disappearing. -There was no more to be had, certainly for -several days. Mails had to take their time, even if -there was anything to hope for from them. This -sense of impecuniousness made his mind veer to -another complicated grievance. In one of the -banks at home, held for his use at majority, lay -what now seemed an incredible sum of money, -from his grandmother’s estate. He had twice entreated -his father to allow him to draw modestly<span class="pagenum" id="Page_40">[40]</span> -on it. His father had not refused in either case, -but had probed good-naturedly into his reasons -for desiring it. But why, thought the boy, should -his father have to know his private business? How -could his father understand his peculiar needs? -These questions had rankled time and again.</p> - -<p>And now, he reflected bitterly, now that the -trust fund might be the means of lightening a -burden that would follow him all his life, it would -be the same old story with his father. He would -have to make a full confession of the case. But he -could not do this. How could he tell his father -such a yarn? Weren’t his whole family concerned -as much as he? Was there not a question of blood -relationship involving them? Common delicacy -and loyal feeling toward them demanded that he -conceal the truth, unless he took the burden upon -himself and parted with them completely. He -had thought all this out before and settled it. -There was nothing he could say to his father.</p> - -<p>These reflections, repeated over and over again, -embroidered upon, attacked at every angle, -adorned with many duplications of the same -phrases, led nowhere. The bill at the “Bucket of -Blood” had to be paid, and nothing was left to do -but to get up and go. Well, well, he felt like moving -anyhow. If only there were anything he could -do now, right now, it would be a relief. He started -walking rapidly uptown toward the fraternity<span class="pagenum" id="Page_41">[41]</span> -house. Then at the corner where Broadway -turned into his own street he stopped abruptly.</p> - -<p>“What a fool!” he muttered aloud. “What a -triple-plated iron-head! Why did I send that -money to Ellen? Why didn’t I go myself?” He -stopped and began to curse his idiocy with all the -eloquence and thoroughness of which he was capable.</p> - -<p>Then he reflected, again aloud: “But is it too -late? The jerk-water goes over to Jamestown in -half an hour. I could make it to Jamestown. But -I haven’t enough money to go all the way. Well, -I’ve got enough to go to Jamestown.”</p> - -<p>The thought of bluffing his way on the through -train with a promise to pay at the other end -rushed into his mind. His name, his identification -by letters in his pocket, his father’s acquaintance -with railroad officials, these might carry him -through. He turned and started toward the station.</p> - -<p>“If I can get home I can raise that money. I -can raise it on a note. I can get some Jew like -Stern to shave the note. Or maybe I can get it -from Colonel Cobb. I’ll bet Colonel Cobb would -let me have it.”</p> - -<p>This line of reasoning had to be exhausted with -the usual number of variations and redundancies -as he sat in the little branch train of two cars, -with its dusty, worn plush seats, its threadbare<span class="pagenum" id="Page_42">[42]</span> -blue trainmen ambling back and forth, and its -scattering of anonymous, unimportant-looking -passengers. Fortunately nobody was leaving -town that he knew. That was to be expected six -weeks after the opening of term. For the first -time, the thought struck him that he himself was -bolting, perhaps for several days, without the formality -of an excuse from the Dean, without even -notifying the men at the house. Ordinarily this -would have been a serious infraction of the rules, -punishable by suspension.</p> - -<p>“I can’t help it,” he thought, “I’ve <i>got</i> to go. -If they knew why I guess they’d think so.”</p> - -<p>This, however, upon reflection, sounded illogical -and inadequate. The danger of trouble with the -authorities would not down so easily. There’d -be mystery in his disappearance, a search would -be made for him in the morning, and a wire probably -sent to his folks. A moment later he had the -solution. How easy! He could fix that up by telephoning -the fraternity from Jamestown. It -would cost him a quarter and he’d still have more -than a dollar left. He would get old Ed Taylor to -see the Dean to-morrow. Some lie would do. Ed -could turn the Dean around his finger. Maybe -he could keep the whole thing from his father. -He could, if he slipped back to town on the next -night’s train. If his father got hold of it, he’d -be puzzled, want to know things, and this was no -time to be submitted to questioning of any kind.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_43">[43]</span>“At the same time,” he pursued, “I’d better -not try the through train. Fellows have been -pinched for it. They might take me off the train -at Fayette, and then, oh, my God....”</p> - -<p>A picture rose before him of a night in the -county jail, of wiring home for money to pay his -fine, of his father coming to Fayette, of scandal -untold and unending, and no help to Ellen whatever. -Rather the reverse, because he would be in -disgrace and his hands, therefore, completely tied -for some time to come.</p> - -<p>“No, I can’t try the through train. Too big a -chance. I wonder how about the freight. Hell, -plenty of other fellows have done that, with no -worse results than a swipe on the ear or a bawling -out. Besides I’ve got a little money. Brakies are -all right.”</p> - -<p>The wind at that moment coming through the -leaky train was devilishly sharp, and he had no -overcoat, nothing but his fall-weight suit. It -would be still colder later, especially on an unprotected -freight car roof, which was the only -place he could think of to ride.</p> - -<p>“Can’t help it,” he concluded. “It’s got to be -the freight. I can get a half pint of rot gut at -Jamestown. Keep me warm enough. It’s just a -nice little ride in the open air.”</p> - -<p>An hour later, with his hat pulled down over his -eyes, and his bottle in his breast pocket, Potter -stepped from the smoke-draped, kerosene-smelling<span class="pagenum" id="Page_44">[44]</span> -barroom of the little junction town. By buying -a round of beer for two loafers he had obtained -the advice and information he wanted. The -freight train now resting on tracks just back of -those on which the through train was soon expected -would pull out for his destination about -ten-thirty. He crept down perhaps a half a dozen -cars from the station and found himself practically -in open country. An overgrown fence lay -twenty feet to the side of one of the big, dirty-looking -red cars. He sat down in the shadow of -the fence to wait, listening to the frogs in the dim, -unwelcoming marshes behind him.</p> - -<p>Once as he sat there a man ran along the top -of the train from the caboose far off at the end of -the line of cars and came back. Once just a little -before the scheduled hour, he heard cinders being -crunched under foot in the direction of the engine. -The flashing rays of a lantern, swung from an invisible -shoulder, played under the cars and the -figure carrying it passed by hurriedly on the other -side. At every coupling the lantern was swung -up between the cars. Osprey knew now why the -roustabouts had told him to lie low and keep away -from the train while it was still.</p> - -<p>“Wait ’til she gives her first jerk, then grab -her and climb like yer momma was after you.”</p> - -<p>Whistles shrieked and soon a long, noisy shiver -travelled down the length of the cars. Potter -jumped for the iron treads closest to him. The<span class="pagenum" id="Page_45">[45]</span> -train was moving off and he with it. Once on top -of the car, he laid full length, making himself as -small as possible on the side of the roof farthest -from the station, until it should be passed. Beyond -the little town he breathed freely, took a -comfortable seat on the flat boardway in the -centre with his legs dangling over the car’s end, -and gripped the rusty steel shaft of the brake.</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_46">[46]</span> - -<h2 class="nobreak">V</h2> -</div> - -<p><span class="smcap">At</span> first he did not mind the bumping, nor the -penetrating wind, nor the coldness of the metal on -his palms. The occasional showers of cinders -were annoying, and this grew worse as the train -increased its speed. Nevertheless, he was exhilarated; -the motionless friendly stars overhead, the -sense of succeeding in a wild and unreasonable adventure -gave him courage and high spirits. He -only had to stand it for a few hours and a few -hours of discomfort never had killed anybody.</p> - -<p>Misgivings crept over him gradually. His seat -was being severely lambasted by the bumping. It -seemed incredible, in a way, how it kept up and -the violence of it. The steel bar to which he held -grew increasingly cold, yet he realized that come -what may he would have to cling to it or stand a -chance of falling. The wind became more biting -and between it and the bar his fingers were stiffening -fast. The cinders, stinging his face with -only brief cessations, might soon be unendurable.</p> - -<p>However, he argued, he could bear all these for -some time, and when he couldn’t bear them any -longer, he could do something else, shift his position. -He deliberately decided to stand his present -one as long as he could, then change and stand<span class="pagenum" id="Page_47">[47]</span> -the next one as long as he could. In that way each -new position would be so much the greater relief. -He would see the night through. A long pull at -the flask revived him.</p> - -<p>“I’ll get my second wind pretty soon,” he -thought, “and it won’t be so bad. That flask was -an inspiration.”</p> - -<p>The night wore on and Potter resorted to first -one expedient and then another. He put his right -side to the wind and then his left, thus partly protecting -his face from the cinders. He wrapped -handkerchiefs—fortunately he had two—around -his hands. It was no good trying to get a decent -hold of his board seat. He didn’t feel secure that -way. These makeshifts did not help his sore -buttocks, which were being hammered to insensibility, -nor keep off the cold which was creeping -over his whole body, but they lessened the number -of his pains.</p> - -<p>Finally he could endure sitting no longer. He -laid down first on one side, then on the other, on -his belly, and even for a while on his back. He -threw his arms around the brake shaft and doubled -his body into a bouncing, shaken ball, in order -to keep the cold out of his vitals. At the -moment when he thought he was beginning to see -the end of his endurance the train ambled benevolently -to a stop. He breathed a sigh of thanks -and drank.</p> - -<p>They were on a siding. As the train continued<span class="pagenum" id="Page_48">[48]</span> -still, for five minutes, for ten minutes, a fresh fear -assailed him. He had forgotten about the train -crew. The fellow at Jamestown had told him to -get off and hide whenever the train stopped.</p> - -<p>“You got to do that if yer ridin’ in sight,” he -said. Indeed, had the man been a professional -tramp instead of a village lounger, he would have -scouted the whole idea of riding on top.</p> - -<p>But by this time Potter was so stiff and sore in -every muscle that he feared being unable to climb -back while the train was in motion. The relief -from the rushing wind and bumping and cinders -was too much. It was too sweet to sit there and -recover some use of his limbs, to feel the warm -blood in him once more for a brief spell. If he -could only smoke or get up and walk about—but -that would be dangerously courting attention. -He had gone this far, and he would finish it; -there was no sense in taking more chances than -were necessary.</p> - -<p>It was unearthly still. Not a living thing -seemed to stir for miles about, over the uninterrupted -fields of stubble just visible in the -starlight. Even the frogs were silent. Against -the sky far off he saw the silhouette of a group -of buildings and trees, but they seemed like apparitions -in a dream. On the train he was in a -separate world, cut off from the other, a lonely -world consisting of himself and his thoughts. -The long, tapering string of dark cars ahead<span class="pagenum" id="Page_49">[49]</span> -struck him like a procession of elephants asleep. -They were impersonal and cruel, but alive; and -presently would begin to sway and lumber frightfully -through the murk. With their stopping his -life, it seemed, had stopped.</p> - -<p>Time went on. They had been there on the -siding for fifteen, perhaps twenty minutes. Suddenly -he was conscious of a low, blurred humming -which rose from the main tracks alongside, and a -succession of whistle blasts at a great distance -broke the monotony. The buzz of the rails grew -louder and the whistles shrieked again. His tussle -with discomfort was about to begin once more, -but he felt infinitely rested and refreshed. He sat -up straight and peered down the tracks for the -sight of a headlight.</p> - -<p>“Hullo!”</p> - -<p>The head and shoulders of a man appeared -over the top of the car, followed by a short, wiry -body.</p> - -<p>“What the hell’s this? How’d you get here?”</p> - -<p>“I’ve got to get to Mississippi City, to-night. -I’m from the University up at Athens.”</p> - -<p>“Don’t care where yer from. This here ain’t -no place fer you.”</p> - -<p>“Say, old man, you’re not goin’ to put me off -now, are you?”</p> - -<p>“H’m.” The man leaned over and inspected -him familiarly.</p> - -<p>“Yeh, you don’t look much like a bum. University<span class="pagenum" id="Page_50">[50]</span> -up at Athens, eh? I’ve heard some about -you God damn loafers, raisin’ hell on trains. -Why the Christ can’t you ride in the cars where -you belong?”</p> - -<p>“Didn’t have the price.”</p> - -<p>“No. An’ you think this railroad’s a charity institootion?”</p> - -<p>“Say,” pleaded Potter, “honest, this is a life -and death matter. It’d be a dirty trick to put a -fellow off. Le’ me go the rest of the way, go on.”</p> - -<p>The brakeman was obviously relenting. He -gazed at Potter’s huddled, unhappy looking figure -while the passenger train, like a streak of exploding -lights on a whirling black band, shot deafeningly -by.</p> - -<p>“How far are we, anyway?” asked Potter. -“Must be more than half way.”</p> - -<p>The brakeman chuckled.</p> - -<p>“We ain’t even a third of the way yet. Guess -you’ve been plenty cold up here.”</p> - -<p>The first sentence fell heavily upon Potter’s -spirits.</p> - -<p>“Gee, seems longer’n that,” he said, as casually -as he could manage.</p> - -<p>“Got on at Jamestown, did you?”</p> - -<p>“Yes.”</p> - -<p>“You got any money?”</p> - -<p>“A little,” said Potter eagerly. “I’ll give you -all I’ve got.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_51">[51]</span>He thrust his hand into his pocket and drew it -forth with a collection of small change.</p> - -<p>“There,” he said, counting it over. “It’s -seventy-five cents.”</p> - -<p>The brakeman took it.</p> - -<p>“That all you got, honest to God?”</p> - -<p>“Every cent. I can get more at Mississippi -City, though. You going to be there a few -hours?”</p> - -<p>“Huh,” replied the other, “guess you’ll need -breakfast by the time you get in. Ain’t much used -to this kind o’ business, eh? Well, here’s coffee -money.” He handed back a dime.</p> - -<p>“Have a drink, old man?” asked Potter, almost -jovially, pulling out his bottle with a distinct feeling -of pride.</p> - -<p>“Sure.”</p> - -<p>The man took a long pull at the depleted flask -and returned it almost empty.</p> - -<p>“Ach,” he grunted appreciatively. “That’s -red eye! Bet you were drunk, boy, an’ thought -ridin’ free was a picnic. Well, better come out o’ -this and hustle up the track. They’s an empty -box car about halfway up. You’ll see it ’cause -one door’s open. An’ you’re God damn lucky, -son. You’d just naturally a froze a lung off up -here an’ maybe fell off an’ got winged. Shake a -leg. Just time to make it. An’ hop off well outside -the yards when we get to town in the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_52">[52]</span> -mornin’. Understand? If you don’t you may see -the judge.”</p> - -<p>Before he had finished speaking Potter was -stumbling frantically along the cinder track-side. -In one end of the empty car was a little dirty straw -and excelsior. Two minutes later he was asleep, -jolting happily along the streets of paradise in a -royal coach. An old man in a brakeman’s cap -whom he took to be the king of the country sat beside -him....</p> - -<p>A sudden, wrenching jolt and the screaming of -brakes woke him. Daylight filled the car, and in -a moment he was out on his feet, recognizing the -familiar outskirts of his native city. He plunged -into the park, striding vigorously along over new-fallen -crisp leaves, warming his body, which had -been chilled through during his sleep, even in that -protected corner. The woods were gay with the -last of the autumn colour; the morning was dewy -and mysterious under long corridors of trees. -His day’s job seemed easy before him, such as it -was, and beyond that he was too happy and thankful -to speculate. Quite a trip, he thought, thoroughly -surprised that he had attempted it and -come through all right.</p> - -<p>“If I hadn’t got potty, I wouldn’t be here,” he -told himself, justifying thereby volumes of alcoholic -adventures past and to come.</p> - -<p>He looked down at his hands, his trousers, his -shirt. He was filthy. It would never do to appear<span class="pagenum" id="Page_53">[53]</span> -before Colonel Cobb with the grime of a hundred -and forty miles of rough travel clinging to him. -But this was the home town, good old home town! -and he could get breakfast, new linen and a good -wash without the outlay of a cent. He took the -car downtown and went first to a store, then to a -hotel. By ten o’clock he was breakfasting sumptuously -and appeared fairly respectable.</p> - -<p>Heretofore, Colonel Cobb had seemed in Potter’s -mind a sort of complete symbol of good fellowship. -The all-weather friend of his father for -thirty years, Potter had heard everything there -was to know about him that could with discretion -be told. He was the old-fashioned type of publicity -man, doing business largely through the medium -of champagne and dinners. Open-handedness -and good nature were traits which a half -century of tradition had associated with his name.</p> - -<p>A much older man than Potter’s father, Cobb -wore a beard which was nearly white, but he was -one of those veterans to whom a beard imparted -an air of boldness and adventure rather than of -piety or age. His costume was youngish, smart-looking, -but deeply wrinkled by lounging ease. -He greeted the young man cordially in his somewhat -unpretentious and disorderly office and indicated -an upholstered arm chair to him. Potter -sank into it and the old man leaned back in his -own to survey him.</p> - -<p>“Well,” he said, “Johnny’s boys are growing<span class="pagenum" id="Page_54">[54]</span> -up. Let’s see, are you the second or the third?”</p> - -<p>“Third, Colonel.”</p> - -<p>“I know your brother Kirk better’n I do the -rest of you. I see a good deal of him up at the -Mercantile Club. Kirk’s a good boy and looks to -me like he’s goin’ to make his Dad proud. You -ain’t old enough to drink whiskey, are you? I -guess not this time of the morning, anyway. Well, -have a cigar.”</p> - -<p>He thrust out a spacious box.</p> - -<p>“Colonel,” said Potter, “you may be surprised -at what I’m here for. I’m in a kind of a fix, a bad -fix, to tell the truth, and I need money. I’ve got -twenty-eight hundred in the National Trust but I -can’t draw on it for two years, without my father’s -consent. I want to get two hundred and fifty dollars -on a note for that length of time.”</p> - -<p>As he mentioned the amount it seemed so enormous -to Potter that he felt a little absurd. He -had never handled more than fifty dollars at a -time in his life.</p> - -<p>“I see. H’m.”</p> - -<p>The older man was smoking a well-used meerschaum -and took a few puffs on it in silence, looking -at Potter quickly once or twice with a more -penetrating and appraising glance than at first. -The latter noticed, in spite of the Colonel’s genial -expression, that his eyes, in reflection, became a -very cold and impersonal grey.</p> - -<p>“H’m, that’s bad,” said the Colonel. “You see,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_55">[55]</span> -your pa and me are old pals. Now, why don’t you -go over and tell him what the trouble is? There’s -nothin’ in the world you could tell John Osprey -that he wouldn’t understand. There ain’t a thing, -son.”</p> - -<p>“I think there is, Colonel,” said Potter gravely.</p> - -<p>“Some girl trouble?”</p> - -<p>“Yes.”</p> - -<p>“Now, I’d say you’re wrong. I’d say he’d be -just the kind of man to take that kind of a story -to. Your old man has got nothing to learn about -human nature, son.”</p> - -<p>Potter felt the moment had come for fuller confidence -if he hoped to succeed. He had anticipated -this objection and intended to combat it by laying -stress on his own reasons for not wishing to -tell his father. These he felt would make a good -impression upon any man. He launched into the -broad outlines of his story. Colonel Cobb listened -with seriousness and attention until he had -finished. When Potter mentioned the manner in -which he had come to town that morning his eye -lighted up with a spark of the warmth that had -marked his first reception.</p> - -<p>“H’m,” he chuckled. “I like that. Yep, I -used to hop those blamed things myself. Then -they got me to workin’ for ’em, and since then -I’ve had to ride in style—but I don’t enjoy it as -much.”</p> - -<p>He ruminated on in silence, puffing at the pipe<span class="pagenum" id="Page_56">[56]</span> -held in one hand and combing his beard downward -with the other, at every stroke or so stopping to -scratch the tip of his thrust out chin, and drawing -down his lower lip somewhat in the manner of a -bitted horse. Potter noticed the long, blackened -roots of his teeth, his puffy, reddish skin, and the -tiny network of blood vessels and wrinkles that -crisscrossed his cheeks around the eyes and nose. -He felt a sudden disgust for life, for the rotten -universe and for his own silly predicament. He -grew restless, wishing for a decision one way or -the other, scarcely caring which it should be.</p> - -<p>“You’re at college, you said?” asked the -Colonel.</p> - -<p>“Yes, State University. Two years.”</p> - -<p>“How are you doin’ up there in your studies?”</p> - -<p>“Well, a little better than the average, Colonel, -right along,” said Potter, smiling. It was somewhat -less than the truth, yet he regretted the -words immediately, as a boast. But the Colonel -did not mind.</p> - -<p>“That’s good,” he said, heartily.</p> - -<p>He lurched forward in his big leather swivel -chair and laid down his pipe.</p> - -<p>“The way I figure it out is this,” he said. “If -you know that there’s two of us to get into trouble -over this money, instead of one, you maybe will -be more careful not to do the wrong thing with it, -so it will get out. As for what’s the wrong thing -I leave that to you. I’m goin’ to take a chance on<span class="pagenum" id="Page_57">[57]</span> -John Osprey’s skinnin’ me alive if he hears about -this transaction, and I guess there ain’t much likelihood -of his hearin’ about it from you or me, is -there?”</p> - -<p>He ponderously drew out a long black check-book, -inked the pen and looked at it, inked it again -and wrote. Potter received the slip of paper with -its figures written in a big, round buccaneer’s -Spencerian. His fingers trembled in spite of himself.</p> - -<p>“But, Colonel,” he began, suddenly feeling a -sense of guilt.</p> - -<p>“I don’t want a note,” interrupted Cobb, lifting -his rotund body by the arms of his chair. -“The check’s enough. If you don’t pay me, I’ll -send it around to you some day, when you’re rich, -and you can light your cigar with it or pay, just -the way you please. It’s made out to cash, so’s -you won’t have any trouble gettin’ the money, but -you just write your name along the back when you -get to the bank. Good luck, son.”</p> - -<p>With the money actually in his pocket, Potter’s -despondency abruptly returned. After all, what -had he accomplished? The money was useless so -far as restoring Ellen to her normal self was concerned. -Much more—a simply unrealizable sum—would -be needed to enable her to go away in -peace and have her child with dignity and comfort. -At best, this would only pay the price of a -crime....</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_58">[58]</span>He found her in much the same mood as his own, -tired and resigned. She did not complain or accuse -any one at all. But she seemed aching with -dull resentment at the inevitable, friendless future, -hating it and fearing it. She told him directly -that she was not to have an operation. Dr. -Schottman had warned that in her case it meant -an exceptional risk. Her health was not good and -having the baby would put her in fine shape.... -Potter felt the sting of a lash in every word she -uttered. He burst out at last.</p> - -<p>“Ellen, you must marry me. You must. -There’s no other way out.”</p> - -<p>She did not laugh at him, but she simply refused -to heed him. If she had consented he would -have felt in that moment infinitely happier; and -for even a ray of light in his present darkness, -he would have abandoned a great many of the future’s -promises.</p> - -<p>“But what will you do?”</p> - -<p>“Dr. Schottman has arranged everything for -me. He’s to take me to a hospital in a few weeks. -I could wait a month or two longer, I suppose, -without their knowing it, but I might as well go. -At the hospital I’ll have to work, until my time. -Then he’s fixed it with some people for me to stay. -They won’t mind anything. He’s told them all -about me. They’re patients of his, nice people -and well off. The Meadowburns will never know -anything, they’ll never see me again. Not even<span class="pagenum" id="Page_59">[59]</span> -the doctor knows about you and nobody will if -you keep still. I’m just to walk out and disappear.”</p> - -<p>Potter stumbled down the stairway of the pretentious -new Meadowburn house in a daze of misery -and meanness. Nightfall found him lying face -downward in the dried leaves of the park where -the woods were thickest. He might have built his -house there and never have been discovered for a -generation. He might have become like “Clothes-pole -Tom,” a hermit hero of his childhood, and -sold gopher skins for a living. Some such method -of losing himself would have been sweet....</p> - -<p>But youth walks forward even though it harbours -corroding secrets. He could not escape the -vision of Ellen in a hospital uniform, worn and -broken-spirited, carrying heavy buckets of dirty -water and swabbing down floors with a mop. He -went back to college, lifeless and desperate, whipping -himself into work with torturing thoughts. -By January even his family saw something was -wrong, and his father, who saw farthest, told him -to make his own plans, to leave school and go -where he liked. After a week of dismal idleness -at home there followed a telegraphic correspondence -with Roget. The two started off together -to New York. Three years later, crossing the Atlantic -to Paris, Osprey still had not returned to -his native city, and he repeated his oath never to -go back there again if it could be avoided.</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_60">[60]</span> - -<h2 class="nobreak">VI</h2> -</div> - -<p><span class="smcap">What</span> Ellen Sydney had expected to be her trial -by fire proved quite the opposite. It was the beginning -of a new and kinder life. For if she had -been unhappy at the Meadowburns’ it was because -of a deep-seated difference between her own native -impulses and those of her keepers. Long -habit in a narrow rut, listening daily to a cautious -and inglorious philosophy, had fostered in her -the belief that the great world outside was monstrous -and cruel; but she did not find it so. On -the contrary, there were many to appreciate her -cheerful courage and ready laugh, and return it -with affection. Life at the hospital was novel and -filled with congenial activity. Behind its unmoral -walls was an anonymous and practical community -in which her shame quickly melted from her daily -thoughts. After the first few days of strangeness -and mutual curiosity she saw that none cared how -she had come by her situation. Nor were her duties -burdensome; without the normal occupation -they gave her she would have been ill at ease.</p> - -<p>The picture of a drab and bitter Ellen, clattering -about a sordid environment with pail and mop—which -gave Potter so many secret twinges in -his New York room—never came true.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_61">[61]</span>She interested herself in the patients, most of -whom she discovered to her surprise were even -less able to cope with misfortune than she; the -small purse which Dr. Schottman allowed her from -the funds Potter had given her was always half -open. The many varieties of mothers, and the innumerable -enchanting babies fascinated her; but -no more so than the coming of her own. As the -weeks went by her condition, the manifestations -of life within her, gave her increasing importance. -It made her for the first time interesting to herself. -She thought that she grew more attractive. -Her body, long attenuated, took on softer contours -under the wholesome diet and freedom from responsibility; -her breasts were her particular -pride. They changed magically; from stubby protrusions -without any character at all, they grew -round and firm as they had not been since girlhood.</p> - -<p>Then there were the visits of Dr. Schottman. -His humorous sallies dispelled in a moment the few -worries that came with the long days of waiting. -He brought scant news of the Meadowburns, not -seeming to care to talk of them. They had been -very eager to find her at first, had made a great -stir and called upon the police. Then, as suddenly -as they took up the search, they had dropped it.</p> - -<p>“Ah, they didn’t care much, you may be sure,” -laughed Ellen. It was far from displeasing to her -to know that she need not depend upon them. But<span class="pagenum" id="Page_62">[62]</span> -immediately she remembered that it was the doctor -to whom she owed her present good fortune, -not herself; and she felt remorseful.</p> - -<p>To Schottman, the hospital seemed to be something -of a continuous comedy, and all these -mothers, many of them abandoned, caught unwillingly -in the grip of natural force, were the victims -of a mild practical joke. How much of this -was a pose which he found useful in dealing with -them, and how much of it a mask to hide a disillusioning -experience nobody knew, but it never -gave offence. His homely grin and bracing philosophy -made him a favourite everywhere.</p> - -<p>When she held her child in her arms for the -first time a momentary grief oppressed her that -it should be fatherless. But the child grew far -more pleasing to look at than she had hoped it -would be. Its dark hair and unexpected blue eyes -made it look unlike either herself or Potter at -first. Then a vague resemblance asserted itself, -and more strongly on the mother’s side. This -seemed right to Ellen. The less her daughter resembled -the father she was never to see, the better.</p> - -<p>Before long she was allowed to take it out in the -perambulator Schottman had bought for her. The -hospital was located in a bleak, northern section -of town, a region long associated in Ellen’s mind -with the foreign population, principally German, -and much sniffed at by people of the West End<span class="pagenum" id="Page_63">[63]</span> -where she had lived. She remembered how depressing -that day had been when they first drove to -the hospital, through wintry streets between endless -rows of low-roofed, packed-in brick houses and -frame cottages. They had a humbler and more -domestic air than she was used to, and gave forth -odors of strong cookery, stale lager and of musty -parlours seldom opened to the air. But the four -months of hospital life in their midst had accustomed -her to these exotic touches, and when the -people began to overflow into the streets at the -first hint of warm weather and to take a kindly -interest in her child, she felt drawn to them. It -amused her to have them think, as they sometimes -did, that she was the nurse or governess.</p> - -<p>It was a mistake, perhaps natural, that Dr. -Schottman at least viewed with satisfaction. The -little girl’s charm would serve his purpose with -the Blaydons to whom he was taking them. He -had never entertained any doubt that Ellen -would win them in her own way. Her willingness -and modesty, a form of rough good breeding, -would recommend her well. But if the child -should be really attractive, so much the better -for everybody.</p> - -<p>“Come now,” he teased Ellen, “this little chick -has a high tone about her. What you think? Better -let me hunt up the young scapegrace and show -him what a handsome little rascal he’s responsible -for.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_64">[64]</span>“How do you know he’s young?” laughed Ellen. -He had never pressed the question of fatherhood, -and she was not afraid that he would ever try to.</p> - -<p>“And what will you name it? For it’s mother, -eh?”</p> - -<p>Ellen had settled that matter. She had decided -long before on the name of Moira, for Moira McCoy, -the pretty, laughing, assistant head nurse, -who had been the first to befriend her. But concerning -this she also chose to keep her counsel for -the present. Another thing troubled her mightily.</p> - -<p>“Are these—these people I’m going to live with -Episcopalians?”</p> - -<p>He laughed.</p> - -<p>“I believe there’s a division in the family. Ach, -these Christian distinctions! They split God up -into small pieces like a pie, and each one takes a -different slice. They are afraid to get indigestion -from too much goodness, eh? But ‘Aunt Mathilda’—that -is the sister-in-law—is Episcopalian. -High church they call it. Oh, very high! It will -suit you that way, I guess. And she is the boss. -You’ll find that out.”</p> - -<p>High church. That would do very well. It was -the serious question of her daughter’s christening -that disturbed her.</p> - -<p>The day came at last to take their fearsome -step into a new home. Ellen wept a little over her -farewells, but on such a lovely morning she could -not be sad very long. She felt so good, so well,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_65">[65]</span> -and in the new clothes she had bought for this -event she radiated unaccustomed health.</p> - -<p>“Look at you,” said the doctor. “I told you it -would be good medicine. If your old friends -could see you they wouldn’t know it was the same -Ellen.”</p> - -<p>She blushed. She had never expected to leave -the hospital so merry. In a few moments they -were driving along in a new-fangled thing called -a taxicab, and she had to hold the baby carefully -to keep it from bumping. It was the first time she -had ever ridden in an automobile, but her thoughts -were too far ahead to concern themselves with the -novelty. A year ago it would have been a great -adventure.</p> - -<p>First of all she reflected:</p> - -<p>“When Moira is grown up she will love me, -and we will do so many nice things together.” -Then she thought, “Who knows, Moira may have -a father some day, and never be the wiser.”</p> - -<p>The doctor had decided that she was to be -known as Mrs. Williams at the Blaydons’. “Aunt -Mathilda” herself had suggested this, and Ellen -was willing enough to consent. But she accepted -with greater reluctance his proposal of a gold -band for her finger. The idea smacked of a deception -that was too bold by far, a deception that -involved higher powers than those of earthly authority, -in her mind. She felt almost a criminal -whenever she looked at it.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_66">[66]</span>The rattling vehicle swung through an impressive -high gate and they were looking down between -a row of trees. To their left, running -straight through the middle of the thoroughfare -lay a grass grown parkway so dotted with shrubs -that she got only fleeting glimpses of the houses -on the other side. Those on her own side she -gazed at with wonder. They were set far apart, -with generous lawns, and the suggestion of gardens -farther back behind walls and iron grill -work. The big houses revealed their age, not only -by their old-fashioned and heterogeneous architecture, -but by the smoke-grimed look of their -brick and stone.</p> - -<p>“How lovely and peaceful,” thought Ellen, fascinated -at the fresh sight of green everywhere -spotted and patched with sunlight. She seemed -to have been wearing dark glasses for months and -months.... She noticed that the driver was -slowing down his vehicle and was craning his neck -for the house numbers.</p> - -<p>“My land,” she murmured, “we’re going to -live here.... Look, Moira, look!” she could not -help but cry aloud—and then flushed pink when -she saw the doctor had heard the name.</p> - -<p>This was Trezevant Place, its fame already beginning -to dwindle, so that Ellen, acquainted only -with the new city, had heard of it but once or -twice. For two generations the patrician families -had housed there, and a few of the original owners<span class="pagenum" id="Page_67">[67]</span> -had remained, standing on their dignity, defying -the relentless town, which had long sprawled -up to it, and around it and far beyond, unsightly, -clamorous and vulgar. The snob that is in everybody -claimed Ellen at that moment and she longed -for an audience of Meadowburns and Potters to -watch them disembark.</p> - -<p>The cab came to an abrupt stop before the -bronze figure of a barefooted negro boy holding -out an iron ring in one chubby paw. Ellen faced -a front door of many bevelled panes of glass -which reflected the bright sky into her eyes. Her -knees failed her, but with a free hand she grasped -the doctor’s sleeve, finding in the act reassurance -enough to mount the steps between the red stone -pillars. A maid appeared in the doorway.</p> - -<p>“Oh, it’s you, doctor,” she said, beaming at -them from under her neat white cap. “Mrs. Seymour -is waiting in the library. Go right in, -please.”</p> - -<p>Ellen found herself in a room filled with book-shelves, -and mahogany, and leather-covered -chairs, facing a small lady who did not leave her -straight, uncomfortable seat. The greying hair -was done up in a knot on the top of her head and -behind it was a dark spreading comb. She wore -a light blue silk frock with a white collar of lace -that folded back over her shoulders and left her -neck bare. It was old-fashioned looking, Ellen -thought, yet “nice” as she would have put it,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_68">[68]</span> -meaning smart, and she noticed that the woman’s -throat was smooth and plump. Her graceful -ankles showed, crossed, above a pair of little grey -slippers with very high heels. What a little doll -of a person! she thought.</p> - -<p>“Good morning, doctor,” said the lady, shaking -hands with Schottman, while Ellen stood in the -door. Then she turned to her.</p> - -<p>“Sit down, Mrs. Williams. You mustn’t feel -strange here, because I am sure we are going to -like each other. The doctor has told me nice -things about you.”</p> - -<p>Ellen thought no more of dolls. The assured -voice, and what she could only describe as the -foreign way “Aunt Mathilda” pronounced her -words, awed her. She did not know that this was -what people called cultivated. She obeyed the injunction -to sit down, her eyes glued trustfully but -timidly upon her new mistress.</p> - -<p>“I’m not going to keep you long this morning, -because for the next day or two you will have little -to do and will be getting accustomed to the -place. You can take care of the child yourself?”</p> - -<p>“Oh, yes, ma’am,” said Ellen, and smiled. -“I’ve taken care of many more than this one, and -done the work besides.”</p> - -<p>“I see. That’s splendid. Well, you will have -plenty of time for her. It can be managed very -well. Gina is fond of children and will look after -the baby when you are busy, and then there is my<span class="pagenum" id="Page_69">[69]</span> -nephews’ nurse, Mrs. Stone. Gina is my personal -maid. The other servants are Marie, who is the -parlour maid and waitress, John, the gardener -and stable man, and the laundress Annie, who -lives out. So the work is pretty well divided. -And then there is Miss Wells, the trained nurse -for Mrs. Blaydon. The doctor may have told you -that Mrs. Blaydon never leaves her room.”</p> - -<p>Ellen lost track of this catalogue of servants, -yet she felt a happy sense of importance in listening -to these matter-of-fact and self-respecting details. -It was as though she were being taken into -the confidence of the household. She tried to attend -Mrs. Seymour’s every word with seriousness, -and felt her embarrassment dropping away -from her.</p> - -<p>“Dr. Schottman tells me that you have been the -only help in the family. I suppose you have done -only plain cooking?”</p> - -<p>“Yes, ma’am.”</p> - -<p>“Well, you will have no trouble learning our -likes and dislikes, and the way things must be -served. Miss Wells will prepare most of Mrs. -Blaydon’s meals, which are separate. The present -cook is to stay until the end of the month, and -that will give you plenty of time to catch on. And -you mustn’t be afraid. We expect to make allowances. -Of course, your wages will begin at once, -but I can’t tell just what they should be until we -try you, so we won’t discuss that to-day.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_70">[70]</span>“Oh, not at all, ma’am—” began Ellen, and -stopped suddenly. “Aunt Mathilda” covered her -embarrassment by rising, and Ellen stood also, -with her child in her arms. The act brought -them close enough together for Mrs. Seymour to -see the baby’s face.</p> - -<p>“What a sweet little thing,” she said, and -smiled cordially at Ellen. “I hope you are going -to be happy here, Mrs. Williams. Marie will -show you your room and give you everything -you need. Don’t bother about your bags. John -can take them up at once.”</p> - -<p>“Oh, thank you,” said Ellen. She stood hesitating, -after saying a halting, awkward good-bye -to the doctor. It was not easy to leave his -friendly presence and impossible to thank him -as she wanted to. But she turned and in the wake -of Marie climbed the broad front steps.</p> - -<p>Their carved, heavy banisters and the thick rugs -rebuked her. It was as though she realized that -in this well-ordered house it would be rarely indeed -that she would tread them. Here she was -more definitely placed than she would ever have -been at the Meadowburns’.</p> - -<p>As they passed the second story landing two -very small, cleanly dressed boys came out of a big -bedroom, with a matronly hospital nurse between -them.</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_71">[71]</span> - -<h2 class="nobreak">VII</h2> -</div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Ellen</span> spent her days learning more about the -quaint art of cookery than she ever dreamed there -was to know, and discovering the ways of rich -people which were strange indeed.</p> - -<p>One of the first things that impressed her was -the unvarying quiet. Never was a voice raised -that could be heard beyond the room in which it -was spoken, and this applied even to the young -masters, who, if they ever made a regular boy-racket, -must have done so behind the closed doors -of the nursery. Compared to the shouting up -and down stairs, the banging of pianos and doors, -the general uproar of the Meadowburn household, -this was like living in a church. The stately high -ceilings and big stained glass windows intensified -the illusion.</p> - -<p>And the armies of tradesmen who came! She -had been accustomed to dealing with one butcher, -one grocer, one baker. Here there were dozens -who handled a farrago of specialties. There -were three or four different dessert-makers, a -pork butcher, a beef butcher, a poultry butcher, -and a fish monger of high degree; there were a -plain grocer, a grocer-importer, a wine-dealer, a -liquor agent, coffee merchants and tea merchants,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_72">[72]</span> -purveyors of spices and sweet-meats, apothecaries -and fruiterers, dealers in milk, eggs and butter, -and a score of others whose business did not happen -to be with Ellen. All day they came and went. -She had thought that supplying a kitchen was a -matter of taking in a certain fixed number of -staples and making the most of them. But here -she found herself in the midst of an immense variety -of esoteric materials whose names suggested -the index of a geography. The kitchen with its -vast conveniences for housing all these things in -their appointed places was not unlike a large -shop itself.</p> - -<p>Formal dinner parties there were, but they were -rare during those days, because of the sick woman -in the house. And it was well they were! thought -she, judging by the lavishness of those she helped -to prepare. Mrs. Seymour, however, gave many -luncheons to her friends, and for these Ellen delighted -to outdo herself, since Aunt Mathilda was -not ungenerous with compliments when they were -deserved.</p> - -<p>These refinements of luxury affected her unconsciously. -She was soon trying to acquire the -atmosphere of the house, to train her manners -after her mistress, to soften her voice and even -to alter the accent of her speech, which had always, -though she knew it not, been more agreeable -than the average.</p> - -<p>This instinct of imitation led her to listen, whenever<span class="pagenum" id="Page_73">[73]</span> -she could, to the conversations of Blaydon -and his sister. She understood very little of what -they said that did not concern the surface news -of the family. Often they talked of books, and -books were a strange world to Ellen. But one -day the thought struck her that Moira, living her -childhood in such a house would certainly acquire -some of its cultivation, even though no one deliberately -undertook to teach her.</p> - -<p>But would Moira’s mother be worthy of such a -companion? Ought she not to make an effort -to improve her mind, so that Moira would be -a little less ashamed of her in that rosy time -ahead when they would understand each other? -To Ellen the difficulties of reading were almost -insurmountable. Nothing terrified her so -much as twenty pages of print. However, once -the thought of her unworthiness in Moira’s eyes -occurred to her, she did not hesitate a moment. -From one of the upstairs book-cases she selected -the largest volume she could find. It proved to be -“Les Misérables,” and there was something she -liked about the title. That night she began bravely -to read.</p> - -<p>Hard as it was to make headway in it, she had -chosen the only amusement possible to her. When -she was not busy in the kitchen, mastering the -problems of the stove and the mixing bowl, she sat -beside her daughter. There was no chance to -think of more exciting pleasures, for which, often<span class="pagenum" id="Page_74">[74]</span> -enough, the youth in her still yearned. Yet these -duties were only confining, never exhausting. -From the sheer drudgery of hard manual labour, -to which she once thought herself condemned until -she dropped, a miracle had suddenly delivered -her. And that miracle was a little child, unlawfully -born. Life held many mysteries for Ellen, -but none of them was as incomprehensible as -this.</p> - -<p>The first inkling that they were ever likely to -move from the Trezevant place came to her -through one of those overheard talks between -Sterling Blaydon and his sister. They were sitting -one morning in the brick-walled garden just -off the rear drawing room, a lovely place, as Ellen -knew, to dream and idle in, if it was deserted and -she could have Moira tumbling about on the rugs -at her feet. There were rows of green boxed -plants along the top of the high walls, a striped -awning and the clear sky spread between, like another -mysterious ceiling farther away. There was -comfort and security and the sense of distance too. -It was like many other of the civilized refinements -which Ellen discovered at the Blaydons’, suggestive -of an almost incredible degree of foresight, -of attention to the details of luxury, which the -fortunate of the world had been developing illimitably -since the first man was carried on the -backs of other men. Mr. Blaydon and his sister -often breakfasted in this inner garden on fine<span class="pagenum" id="Page_75">[75]</span> -mornings, and Ellen sometimes served them herself -in the absence of Marie.</p> - -<p>She believed Sterling Blaydon the most romantic -personage she had ever seen. His hair was -almost white, but he was young in body and in -years. His lean, brown face, which she thought -had a tired expression when in repose or when he -was reading, lighted up marvellously when he -smiled. His tall, solid form would have made two -of Aunt Mathilda’s. Ellen loved to peep through -the butler’s pantry doors and see him decant the -special brandy for his friends after dinner, languid -and big-handed and jovial through the smoky -fog.</p> - -<p>This morning while he sat in the garden in the -softest of grey tweeds, with his outstretched legs -crossed and resting upon the tiles, she heard his -drawling voice as she placed the coffee service -fastidiously on the big silver tray in the pantry. -Ellen liked to fondle the Blaydon china and silver. -It was spoiling her; she would never want to -touch anything less valuable.</p> - -<p>“I dare say it sounds like blasphemy to you,” -Mr. Blaydon was saying, “but I’m sick of this -place after all. I used to think I never should -be.”</p> - -<p>“It’s partly Jennie’s long illness. Poor boy, -you’ve had a good deal to contend with.”</p> - -<p>“I? Nonsense! But I ought to get her away -from here. She could pull together faster in the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_76">[76]</span> -country. That is to say, if she ever has strength -enough to be moved. And there are the boys. -I’m beginning to think this is no locality for them -to grow up in. If I toss a pebble over the wall -there it will land square in the melting pot—perhaps -on some anarchist’s head who will throw a -bomb at me one of these days.”</p> - -<p>“It’s extraordinary how well Trezevant has -held its own. There seems to be a spirit in the -place that won’t allow it to be tainted.”</p> - -<p>“Tainted enough by coal smoke!” he retorted. -“Spirits won’t stop that. I’d really like to get -out, way out. Not just to follow the crowd, as -they say, but we’ve never had a satisfactory country -place, and I’ve come to think you can’t unless -you make it a life accomplishment.”</p> - -<p>“A life is hardly enough, my dear brother,” replied -Mrs. Seymour. “Trezevant is the accomplishment -of three generations.”</p> - -<p>“Bah!” he replied, good-humouredly, “we’re -not the slow coaches we used to be. You can get -twice as much done these days in a third of the -time.”</p> - -<p>“Well, at any rate, it’s unpractical now,” she -replied, and he recognized the finality of her tone.</p> - -<p>Blaydon smoked his cigar in silence, while she -finished her second black coffee and leaned back in -her chair swinging a tiny foot of which she was -proud. In the shimmering, palpable light, shot -with many colours, Mathilda’s face and hair were<span class="pagenum" id="Page_77">[77]</span> -still amazingly pretty. There were many who -would have accepted the kind of slavery that marriage -with her would have entailed, and some -among them who had no need for her money. But -she was not thinking of that. The arts of vanity -had ceased to be a conscious lure; they were the -essentials of well-bred self-cultivation. She had -accepted her widowhood as the final failure of -man, so far as she was concerned. It had been a -romantic love match, ecstatic but unhappy, the -kind that she fancied exhausted the capacity for -passion; and now her thoughts ran upon the future -of her brother’s household. For if Blaydon -entertained any illusions about the possibility of -his wife’s recovery, Mathilda did not.</p> - -<p>She had long held certain opinions regarding -Jennie, which were not shared by the outside -world. One of them was that her brother had -never loved her, that he had found this out almost -immediately after marrying, and determined to -live the thing through because of his old-fashioned -loyalty. Mathilda had quite certain knowledge -that in the midst of the honeymoon he had rushed -away and stayed several days. She knew it had -been his hour of terrible trial, his angry realization -of having made the first major mistake of his -life, and made it in full maturity. His sister was -proud of him for remaining a tree of marriage in -a clearing of divorce stumps—for such their social -world was rapidly becoming.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_78">[78]</span>But her theory was that Jennie had never forgiven -him, never in a sense recovered from it. -She had welcomed her children in order the more -to seal up the truth from others; but she had -borne them late, and the birth of the second son, -Robert, had doomed her to physical helplessness.</p> - -<p>This theory explained to Mathilda every peculiarity -of Mrs. Blaydon’s character, every inexplicable -episode which had occurred in the house -since she had joined them. Jennie had never -liked her; perhaps suspected that she knew her -secret. Part of Jennie’s satisfaction in having -the children was that they would help her to -dominate her sister-in-law and the household, in -the rôle of mother. As adversaries they had a -healthy respect for each other. But Jennie’s sustained -firmness of will was less effective than Mathilda’s, -because it was less charming and less -hidden. Luck was simply against Jennie. It was -Mathilda who would win and then (though Blaydon -did not know she had thought much about it) -they would go to the country. Naturally this -would be their first move. It was inevitable because -it was the thing that people of their sort -were doing, and because automobiles had made it -feasible.</p> - -<p>As though she felt that she might hint some of -this that was in her mind, she broke the silence.</p> - -<p>“Speaking of the country, I’ve had my eye for<span class="pagenum" id="Page_79">[79]</span> -a long time on those tracts in the Errant River -hills, where the McNutts have bought.”</p> - -<p>Sterling Blaydon slowly took his cigar from his -mouth and smiled. Like all men of means he liked -to have opportunities to display his foresight presented -to him without going out of his way to invite -them.</p> - -<p>“Well then, you’ve had your eye on what will -in all probability be your future home. I’ve been -picking up that land right along. I’ve got about -three hundred acres of it. Moreover, though the -Country Club site committee hasn’t decided officially -yet, I know for a fact they are going to take -the contiguous property. It’s cheap enough just -now, and the club isn’t lavish.”</p> - -<p>He was fully satisfied with the glance of admiration -Mathilda gave him.</p> - -<p>“Why, Sterling,” she said, “how long have you -been at that?”</p> - -<p>“Since a little while after Hal was born. I got -to thinking then this wouldn’t do.”</p> - -<p>“Well, it never occurred to me until this year.”</p> - -<p>He rose, stretching to his full height to shake -the indolence from his body.</p> - -<p>“I’ve even got an architect to work. But I dare -say you’re right and we can’t think about it yet. -I certainly can’t drag Jennie through a radical -change like that, and I haven’t even told her for -fear it would fret her. But the moment she’s better—You<span class="pagenum" id="Page_80">[80]</span> -don’t say whether you would really -like it or not, Mathilda.”</p> - -<p>“Certainly I shall like it, dear boy.”</p> - -<p>He went off humming to his wife’s room, before -going out. He was, Mathilda thought, more attentive -to her than many an enamoured husband, -and she admired him for it.</p> - -<p>The idea of moving to the country at first frightened -Ellen, with that pitiful fear which all dependents -have of impending change. What will -become of them, they ask themselves, in the general -forgetfulness?—and a hundred misgivings -and imagined instances of dissatisfaction on the -part of their masters throng their minds.</p> - -<p>But had she felt secure it would have pleased -her. The old house was too formal, too heavy -with the fragrances and lingering stiffness of a -past day. She could never quite grow to like the -eternal quiet. A hearty clattering now and then -would have relieved her pent-up vitality. She -would have liked, just once in a long, long while -to listen to one of Tom Meadowburn’s stories, or -hear Bennet shouting in the back yard.</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_81">[81]</span> - -<h2 class="nobreak">VIII</h2> -</div> - -<p><span class="smcap">But</span> Mrs. Blaydon grew neither better nor -worse and they remained at Trezevant Place. -And when Moira was a year and a half old a -fresh sorrow visited her mother. So rapid and -unforeseen were the steps by which it came that -Ellen scarcely realized what was happening.</p> - -<p>To her, indeed, the child seemed to acquire new -marvels of goodness and beauty every day, but -she imagined it was only her mother’s pride that -made her think so. She was not the sort who -would boast of the deeds of her offspring.</p> - -<p>Then she grew aware that others shared her -interest. More and more, in particular, she found -the child, when she came to look for her, in the -company of Aunt Mathilda, even in that lady’s -arms, most happily at home and warmly welcome.</p> - -<p>“It is going to be very improving for Moira,” -was her thought, and she realized with a pang -that she had been reading Hugo’s book for more -than a year now, and was not yet halfway through -it.</p> - -<p>Mrs. Seymour’s brother was among those who -noticed her partiality for the baby.</p> - -<p>“Look,” she said to him one day, with enthusiasm, -holding out one of the child’s tiny pink<span class="pagenum" id="Page_82">[82]</span> -hands, “how remarkably made they are. She’s -the same all over. I don’t think I’ve ever seen -such a perfect baby.”</p> - -<p>Blaydon laughed, thereby eliciting a brilliant -response in kind from Moira. The vibrations of -his big voice had tickled her young flesh.</p> - -<p>“Well, Mathilda, the broadest road to your -heart is still a pair of hands. I remember your -telling me that poor old Ned first got you with -his.”</p> - -<p>“Hands and feet,” she replied. “I don’t mind -anything else but they ought to be beautiful.”</p> - -<p>A few days afterward he came upon her in the -garden, again with Ellen’s daughter.</p> - -<p>“Que voulez-vous,” she was saying, “que voulez-vous, -ma p’tite? Voulez-vous maman?”</p> - -<p>The soft syllables seemed to please Moira’s -ears, for she was mirthfully bubbling things that -sounded not unlike them. As Blaydon stepped out -he thought his sister a little apologetic, but she -did not put down the child.</p> - -<p>“The little thing wandered out here while I -was reading,” she said. “She quite seems to follow -me about.”</p> - -<p>“You don’t find it annoying?” he asked.</p> - -<p>Her reply served notice upon him that she had -caught his note of irony.</p> - -<p>“Oh, no.... I’m not such a busy woman as all -that.”</p> - -<p>He glanced at the book she had been reading.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_83">[83]</span> -It lay flung face downward with both backs spread -out on the table, “Le Crime de Sylvestre Bonnard.” -Blaydon recalled the story and somehow -connected it in his mind with his sister’s essential -solitude—her dependence upon his own family for -affection.</p> - -<p>“I suppose,” he pursued, the thought forming -suddenly from nowhere, “that you are going to -adopt her?”</p> - -<p>Mathilda looked up sharply. She pretended to -detect in his words more of approval than of inquiry -and replied as though he had offered a suggestion.</p> - -<p>“You’re not serious, Sterling?”</p> - -<p>Blaydon’s intuition surprised him. He had -struck fire, where hardly more than a joke had -been intended.</p> - -<p>“Why not?” he asked, with a good-natured -shrug.</p> - -<p>“It seems cruel, somehow,” she replied. Her -tone was as detached as though she had said, “it -seems too green,” of a dress-cloth.</p> - -<p>“I can’t quite see that. Mothers are proverbially -unselfish—”</p> - -<p>“She would have to be brought up with your -boys, Sterling. Have you thought of that?”</p> - -<p>He had not thought of that and there was more -to Mathilda’s remark than banter. As if to influence -his reply, the youngest boy, Robert, three -and a half, scampered past them and climbed upon<span class="pagenum" id="Page_84">[84]</span> -a favourite seat, between two clipped boxwood -trees, chattering to himself and grinning across at -his father as if to say, “I dare you to come and -get me!” But Blaydon ignored him for the -moment. He did not know that Mathilda’s mind -had gone all over this matter of adoption, and that -the question she had just put to him, in spite of -its unconcerned air, was really a crucial one with -her. Upon his feeling about it would depend a -great deal, yet this did not imply that she felt herself -bound to accept his decisions. There were -scores of things that she might do if the whim -possessed her, in spite of him. Blaydon was aware -of this, and though he did not know how much -she had thought about the child, he was inclined -toward caution. She was a good sister—a better -mother, he honestly believed, for his children than -their own.... When he answered it was with a -laugh that had the effect upon Mathilda of some -one opening a door she wanted to go through.</p> - -<p>“Well, I don’t know,” he went on, slowly. “I -suppose that Ellen is a fixture anyhow, and young -cubs are more likely to fall in love with a really -beautiful Cinderella than just a handsome cousin. -That is if the child is beautiful. How on earth -can you tell anything about them at that age?”</p> - -<p>“You can tell the day after they are born,” -snapped back Mrs. Seymour. “I would venture -to sit down and write the lives of your two sons<span class="pagenum" id="Page_85">[85]</span> -to-day, and I shouldn’t be far from the truth, barring -death and accidents.”</p> - -<p>“So?” he asked, “and have I anything to fear?”</p> - -<p>“Oh, no, they’ll come back to the fold, even as -you did!”</p> - -<p>Her look was one of benevolent sarcasm and he -grinned. There were many things worse to remember -than the pretty women of his younger -days. But he had come back to the fold ... that -was true, and it was not so pleasant after all. -Change would be kind. He reached over and -touched the blond head of his boy, who was sitting -on the tiles now at his feet.</p> - -<p>“Poor old Rob, she’s got you catalogued,” he -said, and the talk of adoption stopped. Neither of -them had taken it seriously—Jennie, unmentioned, -remained insurmountable. But Mathilda had entered -her wedge, without an effort. Being intensely -feminine, circumstances moved toward -her, not she toward them, an achievement that resulted -from indicating definitely first, then vaguely -opposing, everything she wanted.</p> - -<p>Blaydon lifted his boy to his shoulder and -walked through the house to the drawing room -windows. He talked little more than monosyllabically -to his children and had a great way of stilling -their excited glee, when he wanted to, by the -tone of his voice. As they stood at the window -he wished that his gaze could go on over rolling<span class="pagenum" id="Page_86">[86]</span> -hills to the horizon. He wanted these boys to -grow up with horses and vigorous sports; to see -them framed against green earth and wide skies. -He wanted them to draw in their early appreciations -from the bare soil of their own land. Somehow -that now appeared to him a spiritual necessity -of which he had had too little himself, and it -was the leading ambition that possessed him after -a life of sophisticated pleasure.</p> - -<p>A week later Mrs. Blaydon died. It was as -though the new direction of their thoughts had -penetrated to her intuitively and left her without -strength to battle further.</p> - -<p>It was not long before Blaydon felt free to go -ahead with his plans. But the speed with which -Mathilda proceeded to execute hers surprised and -even shocked him. She did not go directly to -Ellen. Instead she consulted Dr. Schottman, and -readily gained his partisanship. It was from -Schottman that Ellen first heard of Aunt Mathilda’s -intentions toward Moira....</p> - -<p>For the life of her she could not tell at first -whether she was happy or miserable at the suggestion. -In one moment she rejoiced over the -good fortune of her daughter; in the next she experienced -a sense of terrible deprivation and loneliness. -She was not so sentimental as to minimize -the extent of her renunciation—to hope that some -crumbs from the table of Moira’s affection would -fall to her. It meant a thorough transfer of parenthood<span class="pagenum" id="Page_87">[87]</span> -and a ruthless blotting out of the truth. -One of Mrs. Seymour’s reasons for adopting the -child at once, as she explained to Schottman, was -that the boys were young enough to grow up none -the wiser. Ellen did not deceive herself. Moira -would never know her, never think of her except -as a servant.</p> - -<p>She recalled sorrowfully the two happy prospects -she had brought with her into that house, -“Moira will love me when she is grown up, and -we will do so many nice things together,” and -“Who knows, some day Moira may have a -father....” But Moira would never have a real -father now through her, and Moira would never -love her in the sense she had meant. A gleam of -comfort crept in the chinks of her hopeless speculation.</p> - -<p>“If Moira should learn about this, much, much -later—years later when it could do no harm—about -how I have given her up, she would love me -all the more!”</p> - -<p>But the stray gleam crept out at once, leaving -her mind darker than before. Moira would never -know, never understand anything of all she had -gone through. She buried her face in the pillow. -In the middle of the night she suddenly started -up, feeling frantically about the room for she -knew not what. Was it affection, love, just the -touch of something familiar? For Moira, of -course ... but what a fool! Moira was gone,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_88">[88]</span> -even the crib was gone. She was alone, absolutely -alone, for the rest of her life.</p> - -<p>As she stumbled back to her bed, her hand encountered -the big volume of “Les Misérables.” -She caught it up and held it to her breast. The -book had grown to be a symbol for her of their -life together in fabulous years to come. Now -those years were dead. The book was no longer -necessary, no longer had any meaning.... Ellen -put it away in one of the drawers of her bureau. -She would never have to read in its pages again. -It would be better if she did not, better that the -gulf between them should widen rather than diminish.</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_89">[89]</span> - -<h2 class="nobreak">IX</h2> -</div> - -<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is four o’clock of a September afternoon -and brightly still. Over on the clean rolling golf -course tiny figures in all combinations of white -and grey and brown move like insects soundlessly -from one point to another making odd motions. -Even the jays which have been haggling and -shrieking all day are quiet. An occasional tree-toad -or katydid creaks from the false dusk of the -Eastern woods. Locusts drone, and from a long -way off comes the faint click of a reaping machine -at intervals, but all these sounds only accentuate -the silence. An eternal, slow-breathing calm rests -upon the treetops waiting patiently for the cold -of autumn.</p> - -<p>With a murmur that grows into a rumble the -stillness is broken by a monstrous motor truck -which swerves into the driveway from the road a -quarter of a mile away and comes tumbling down -the white track, its racket increasing with its nearness. -The driver noisily shunts his gears at the -kitchen door, and Ellen Sydney comes out to superintend -the unloading and disposition of supplies. -This done and the truckman sent away -with a laugh, she strolls into the garden on that -side of the house and is presently at work with a<span class="pagenum" id="Page_90">[90]</span> -pair of shears snipping asters and marigolds for -the table. There are many of them, so many they -must be gathered in profusion. She has the air of -one who is at home among the beds, who has -worked on them and cherished them with her own -hands.</p> - -<p>She is a handsomer woman than before. Her -figure has decidedly taken on dignity, and the -colour of her face is a healthy brown pink. Her -cheeks, thanks to the best skill of the Blaydon -dentist, have lost their sunken hollows and her -eyes have deepened from the effect of well-being -and contented activity. She bears herself with -some authority too, having taken a favoured place -in her division of the housework. Her hair is -greying very slightly over the ears and temples, -but her step is as quick and her back as straight -as a girl’s. She wears a blue uniform with sleeves -rolled up and a white apron.</p> - -<p>As she reaches the entrance portico, her arms -overflowing with the yellow and brown and purple -flowers, a little girl of six or so with dark hair -bursts from the screen door.</p> - -<p>“Ellney, Ellney. Give me a cookie. I’m hungry.”</p> - -<p>“Can’t you wait till dinner, Miss Moira? Your -mother wouldn’t like it.”</p> - -<p>“Oh, what’s one cookie? <i>Maman</i> won’t mind -just one.”</p> - -<p>“She will if she finds out, and if you don’t eat<span class="pagenum" id="Page_91">[91]</span> -your dinner. It’s me that will get the lecture, -not you!”—and with a look backward into the -past, Ellen thinks of a boy who was once always -asking for something to eat. The boy’s face has -so dimmed in her mind now that if there is a -resemblance she does not notice it.</p> - -<p>“<i>Maman</i> shan’t lecture you, Ellney. I shan’t -ever let her lecture you.”</p> - -<p>Ellen laughs, not only at what Moira says, but -at the way she says it. She cannot ever get over -the fact that her own child—who is now no longer -her child—speaks the King’s English quite as -carefully as her well-bred elders, and has adopted -an air of superiority in her own right. But in -Ellen’s laughter there is no ridicule. It is the -sheer pleasure of maternal pride. Does not -Moira, they say, speak French almost as well as -English?</p> - -<p>“You little darling,” she cries, stooping and -endeavouring to take the child’s hand in spite of -her overflowing burden, “I’ll give you just one.”</p> - -<p>“No, two, Ellney—but one is for Hal, on my -word. Isn’t it funny, he’s afraid to ask!”</p> - -<p>Ellen thought there never had been a child whose -laughter was more like everything good and who -laughed more often than Moira....</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Turning in from the Marquette road to Sterling -Blaydon’s new country house, “Thornhill” as -they called it, a visitor with a sculptor’s eye might<span class="pagenum" id="Page_92">[92]</span> -describe the formation of the land as the huge -thigh of a woman, resting horizontally on the -earth. The private driveway ran along the crest -which sloped on both sides downward to gentle -valleys, while the whole ridge tapered in width -gradually to a round end or knee on which rested -the house in a semi-circle of green. Beyond the -house lay a few hundred feet of clipped lawn and -well spaced trees, and then the Titan calf plunged -into the earth, its declivitous sides covered with -exposed rock and a thick undergrowth of every -imaginable scrub and bramble, with a plentiful -scattering of dogwood and plumb and thorn. It -was holy with blossoms in the Spring, beginning -with the ghostly shad-bush. The edge of the hill -overlooked a broad meadow fifty yards below, as -flat as a lake.</p> - -<p>Spread out in three directions from this crowning -point lay Blaydon’s land, perhaps a third of it -in rocky knolls and wood, and the remainder under -cultivation by tenant farmers. The driveway to -the site led almost due west but the axis of the -house itself, which was narrow and long despite -its irregularities, turned toward the south. It -was built to the shingle eaves of rubble-rock and -dominated at either end by two enormous chimneys -of the same gorgeous, parti-coloured material, -all of which had been found on the place. -Broad verandahs, a wide, tiled terrace reached by -French windows; a quaint Dutch Colonial door<span class="pagenum" id="Page_93">[93]</span> -and portico facing the road; screened balconies -skilfully masked by the eaves; the great living -and dining rooms and library which took up almost -all of the lower floor; the correspondingly -spacious chambers overhead, attested its inhabitants’ -means and love of comfort. The entrance -lawn and slopes to the north were laid out in series -of irregular, charming gardens. On the southeast -the hill descended almost horizontally from -the tiled and parapeted terrace near the house, -so that from the living room windows one looked -through the tops of trees to the Country Club on -another hill less than a mile away.</p> - -<p>With greater spaces had come more movement, -more things to be interested in, more excitement -and sound, all of which Ellen had welcomed. She -meddled in everything. She had become a creditable -sub-assistant gardener and something of a -bee-keeper, having watched the professionals at -work. The four dogs were her especial care. Two -were morbidly shy collies called “Count” and -“Countess” by Mathilda, and Ellen won the -privilege of touching their magnificent coats and -standing by while they fed, only after many -months of gentleness and coaxing. They seldom -allowed the other members of the household -to come near them and ran wild in the woods. -On the other hand the beagle and setter were almost -annoyingly chummy. The animals in the -stable had their daily histories also, which concerned<span class="pagenum" id="Page_94">[94]</span> -her intimately. She was a splendid milker -in emergencies and would have liked to keep -fowls, but this Mathilda, who respected sleep in -the mornings, would not permit.</p> - -<p>Of the two boys in the house, Hal, nine and a -half, was the keener-witted and the more attractive. -He was already at home among the horses -and rode bare-back as well as in the saddle. She -often felt sorry for Rob, who was left behind -much of the time by his older brother and the -swift, tiny Moira, but she did not humour him as -much as she did Hal.</p> - -<p>It was Hal, however, who had ridden a cow so -successfully one day that Moira pleaded to be -helped up herself, and whether the beast thought -her a less formidable antagonist, or was frightened -by her skirts, the little girl was thrown off and -severely jolted. Hal supported her into the house, -himself more frightened than she, and vowed to -his aunt solemnly that from that day he would -never lead her into danger again, and if she got -into it he would get her out. Yet she and the boy -quarrelled too and sometimes went for days without -speaking. Moira would take up with Rob then, -scheming with all her mind to devise adventures -that would make his brother envious. She often -succeeded in these stratagems, until a time came -when he did not concern himself with her at all, -being grown beyond little girls.</p> - -<p>The elaborate arrangements which had been<span class="pagenum" id="Page_95">[95]</span> -made for Moira from the first, and the increasing -complexity of the child’s education, which had -been undertaken very early by Mrs. Seymour, -made it easier for Ellen to regard her as a member -of the Blaydon family. It was only when -Moira misbehaved within her knowledge or in her -sight, that the true mother felt it hard to play -her neutral rôle. While Moira was good she was -a Seymour, naturally, but when she was bad she -seemed to Ellen to be wholly her own. Ellen’s -impulse then, in spite of the habit of suppression, -was to correct her as a mother would.</p> - -<p>When these occasions had passed and she could -reflect back on them, she thought it a blessing -that Moira’s correction was in the hands of others -than herself. One instance of Mrs. Seymour’s -wise manner of dealing with unusual conduct filled -her mind with wonder and created for her almost -a new conception of life.</p> - -<p>Aunt Mathilda was consulting with her in the -kitchen when Moira burst in and cried:</p> - -<p>“<i>Maman</i>, oh, <i>Maman</i>, the calf came right out of -the cow! I saw it. I did.”</p> - -<p>The child’s face was a study. She did not apparently -know whether to be very grave, or a little -frightened or to laugh, and in one who was so -rarely puzzled it would have seemed pathetic -had her sudden announcement been less shocking -than it was. As they learned afterward, she had -witnessed the birth, by sheer accident, while in<span class="pagenum" id="Page_96">[96]</span> -the stables with Harvey. Ellen blushed scarlet -and was on the point of exclaiming indignantly, -but Mrs. Seymour checked her with a gesture -and took the child in her lap. Then she said in a -tone the most natural in the world:</p> - -<p>“Why, certainly, my dear. That is what happens -when all animals are born, and people too. -First we are carried in our mothers. Then we -walk by ourselves, just as the calf will in a day or -two. Now you won’t ever forget that, will you?”</p> - -<p>Beginning the middle of September and for -eight months each year, Miss Cheyney, the governess, -came every morning at nine, and quiet -reigned while she went over the lessons with the -three children shut up in the library. After -luncheon, Eberhard, the man, took her back by -motor to the train as he had brought her.</p> - -<p>Ellen was always glad to see her visits begin, -not only because Miss Cheyney was very democratic -and “nice” to her, and proud of Moira’s -progress, but because they ushered in the Fall. -She loved the glorious colours that spread out in -widening and deepening hues over the wooded -hills, until all the world seemed to have put on a -flaming cloak. She and the children would fill the -house with sumach and maple branches then. -And when the men began bringing up the heavy -logs that had lain drying in the woods all summer -and sawing and splitting them for the fireplaces -in the house, she could see in anticipation<span class="pagenum" id="Page_97">[97]</span> -the flames leaping in the chimney and hear the -crackling of the wood in the fierce heat, and watch -the glow of dancing light on the children’s faces. -She had not seen open fireplaces since the New -Orleans days, when they were lighted only for a -few weeks in the year; and never had she seen -anything to compare with the one in the Blaydon -living room which was so high a woman could -stand in it while she cleaned.</p> - -<p>And then the parties began. There were nearly -always two big ones each Winter, and between -them a constant stream of dinners and late motor -parties, and informal crowds who tramped over -from the Club to dance. Ellen loved to hear the -music going at full tilt, the new jazz music that -was just coming in. She didn’t mind, as much as -she should have, the young men getting tipsy. -She was thrilled to watch the couples disappear -down through the trees, laughing and chatting, -eager to escape the floods of light that poured from -every window in the house; or slip into their motors -for a drive along the dark roads.</p> - -<p>She had always thought of Sterling Blaydon as -a reserved and serious man, and she wondered -how he stood so much excitement. Then she realized -that she was dealing with a new Sterling -Blaydon, who not only stood it but encouraged it. -His pride in the place and his love of filling it with -people was like a boy’s.</p> - -<p>A great part of the pleasure she took in these<span class="pagenum" id="Page_98">[98]</span> -affairs arose from the fact that her daughter was -a favourite. Tall, important men and dazzling -young women were attentive to Moira and Moira -enjoyed it as much as they did. She was growing -extraordinarily self-possessed, particularly with -her elders. Often enough the frank equality she -adopted toward them made Ellen gasp.</p> - -<p>Only in the dead of winter, when the snow piled -up a foot or two everywhere and the drifts sometimes -were up to a man’s middle, would they be -without company for many days at a time. During -this brief closed season—for it did not last -long at the worst—Mr. Blaydon usually lived in -town, and sometimes Mrs. Seymour would join -him there, when engagements came in bunches or -the theatres were particularly interesting. And -the children, freed from their teacher, would be -idle.</p> - -<p>Coming upon Moira alone at such times, with -her constituted guardians away and out of mind, -Ellen experienced her moments of gravest temptation. -How she longed then to take the youngster -in her arms and pour out the floods of love -pent up within her. These yearnings were made -all the more unbearable by the simple affection -with which she was nearly always greeted by her -daughter; yet at the same time the child’s own attitude -strengthened her resistance. For Ellen -stood in awe of her. The force of training, the -sedulously cultivated point of view, the entirely<span class="pagenum" id="Page_99">[99]</span> -different environment had already stamped her -with the mark of another caste. Ellen could not -look upon her for more than an instant as simply -the object of possessive human feeling. It would -sweep over her at some childlike expression, some -quaint, serious look. It would be checked by some -unlooked for sophistication of gesture or remark.</p> - -<p>Moira familiarly uttered the names of grown -young men who to Ellen were no more than shadows -from an upper world, coldly courteous ghosts -who did not see her even when they looked at her. -Every season the little girl extended her interests -and knowledge into a wider world and grew more -alien. And gradually as the years flew by even -the servants who had been in the old Trezevant -place when they came there, and who somehow -seemed to preserve for her, by their presence, the -actuality of her motherhood, passed, until there -was not one left. Gina, whose sympathy she had -felt most keenly, though the sprightly Italian said -nothing, was the last. And Gina went away to be -married....</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_100">[100]</span> - -<h2 class="nobreak">X</h2> -</div> - -<p><span class="smcap">To</span> be nearly sixteen; to have a great room all -to oneself, with high windows that looked upon -surfs of close, glittering, talkative leaves, and hills -far off between them; to have a small library of -one’s favourite books, and a whole corner of the -room devoted to the paraphernalia of one’s dearest -hobby, which was painting; to have a square -high bed, covered with a tester, and a wonderful, -many-shelved Sheraton table beside it, and candles -in old green brass candlesticks; to have a row -of white, built-in armoires full of pretty dresses -and cloaks and shoes; to have all this and to know -one has helped to create it, was to possess a shrine -where the thoughts of girlhood might safely let -themselves go to all the four winds of the imagination, -like many-coloured birds set free, unmindful -of the traps and huntsmen scouring the world -beyond.</p> - -<p>But Moira’s real favourite was not the lovely -golden brown tapestry, nor the stained little bas -relief of the Child, nor even the drawings of -Michelangelo and Rembrandt, but a painting -hung on the wall facing the foot of her bed, where -she could look at it the first thing in the morning -as she rose, and the last thing at night as she retired. -It was a portrait of Mathilda’s grandmother<span class="pagenum" id="Page_101">[101]</span> -at eighteen, painted in Virginia, a year -before she crossed the plains with her young husband. -The smooth, dark red hair was parted and -drawn about the head above the ears like a cap, its -gleam of colour apparent only in the gloss of the -high lights. The blue eyes and fresh complexion -and fine, regular features were done with infinite -tenderness. She sat in a black gown, opening -wide at the neck, against a red background -formed by a cloak thrown over the chair. Moira -knew it was good painting, of an exquisite older -style, though the name of the painter was unsigned -and had long been forgotten. She amused herself -making little verses about it.</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="first">“My young great grandmother sits in her frame</div> -<div class="verse">And the red of her cloak burns warm as a flame....”</div> -</div></div> - -<p>Many a time she sat up in her bed pretending -to have conversations about the stirring adventures -of her grandmother’s early days, for she -had heard the whole story of the young woman’s -arduous journey and home-building—and also -about the young men who came to Thornhill, discussing -their characters without reserve. One -could do this in perfect propriety with a dead -great grandmother.</p> - -<p>“Tommy McNutt wants to come over every day -and ride with me, Grandmother. But he squints -out of doors, and he always wants to help you on<span class="pagenum" id="Page_102">[102]</span> -a horse and he talks like a newspaper piece. I’d -rather have somebody to talk to like old George -Moore, wouldn’t you, dear? It’s a pity you were -born too early to read George Moore. I know -you would like him”—and she broke off for rhyme -again:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="first">“The courtly old painter I am sure wore lace</div> -<div class="verse">And the things he said brought a flush to her face.”</div> -</div></div> - -<p>“But if I should like Tommy I’d have a whole -house as big as this one all my own. And if I -should like Mark Sturm, the young brewer, I’d -have two.... I don’t care, <i>Maman</i> will give me -a house.”</p> - -<p>“Then there’s Selden Van Nostrand. He’s -tremendously popular because he makes up verses -about ‘Aphrodite in a nightie,’ but he sometimes -does better than that. The other day he said his -heart was a leaf devoured by the worm of Egotism, -shrivelled in the fire of Sex, and trampled -by the feet of Virtue. I see you like that one, -Grandma. Beautiful Grandma, I have your -eyes—</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="first">“Her wide blue eyes have a trace of play</div> -<div class="verse">And the day she sat was a fine bright day!”</div> -</div></div> - -<p>Moira finished her morning cup of tea on the -stand beside the bed and recalled suddenly that -this fine, bright day was one of special significance,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_103">[103]</span> -for Hal was coming home from his last year -at prep school. Hal was the one young man she -never talked to her great grandmother about, because, -as she explained to herself, she was his -great grandmother also and would be prejudiced. -She stood in the sunlight pouring through the -window, watching it gleam upon her firm shoulders -and flanks. She had not decided whether she -would go to the station with her mother and Uncle -Sterling or not.</p> - -<p>Hal had treated her pretty badly the summer -before and been very satirical, and the worst of it -was she had found it hard to resent because he -had seemed suddenly to be much older and to have -some right to authority. He had been nicer at -Christmas, taking her to two parties and giving -her a set of Verlaine bound in tooled leather, but -even when he tried to be nice to her he had somehow -seemed condescending.</p> - -<p>She was in great doubt. Nobody, of course, -would attach any significance to it, whichever she -did, not even Hal, probably. It was only important -to herself. She knew something had happened -to her during the past year that was comparable -to the change in Hal the year before. -She had evidence now under her hands and in her -eyes as she stood undressed, evidence that did not -wholly please her, for she had lately taken a fancy -to dislike women. More satisfactory evidence was -a sense of mental growth.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_104">[104]</span>She had just returned from a long Spring vacation -in New York with Mathilda, not her first -visit but her most exciting one, and her thoughts -were awhirl with Pavlova and Rachmaninoff and -the Washington Square Players, bobbed hair and -the operas at the Metropolitan, and a dozen startling, -vivifying, even violent art exhibitions. She -felt that she was probably much more splashed -by the currents than Hal himself, for certainly -one did not really learn anything at a boy’s school. -Such places could only be high class stables for -thoroughbred colts to pass the awkward stage in, -under trainers far less capable than those they -would have had if they were horses.</p> - -<p>And now the question was whether to test the -glamour of these mental and physical acquisitions -upon Hal by waiting to meet him alone, or to go -like a good fellow and see him with the family. -There was, of course, nothing personal about it; -Hal was no more than an opportune judge. He -represented the best criticism the East had to -send back to them.</p> - -<p>After her bath she decided for action. She -would go with the others and meet him. “Anyway, -why attach so much importance to Hal? -He’s quite capable of attaching enough to himself.”</p> - -<p>There was the possibility, too, of dramatic interest -in his arrival. The year before, on his return,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_105">[105]</span> -at eighteen, he had boldly announced to his -father he was going to war. There wasn’t to be -a day lost, he wanted to go at once. Every man -in his class was going somehow or other. Sterling -Blaydon opposed it, the argument dragged out for -days, and finally the family won. But it was only -with the understanding that if Hal would finish -his last year at school he might make his own decision. -The country’s participation in the war -was now over a year old and the outlook was dismal, -one German advance after another having -succeeded. There were plenty of youngsters of -nineteen and twenty in it, and Hal would insist -upon enlisting. He had, as a matter of fact, and -as his letters showed, done almost no schooling at -Fanstock that year. The entire institution had -been made over into a training camp.</p> - -<p>Moira remembered how her cousin had chafed -the summer before, hating his idleness and the -wretched fate of being in excessive demand to entertain -girls. Her sympathy with his groans had -gone a long way to help her forgive his ill treatment.</p> - -<p>And yet she had never been worked up to a -pitch of great excitement about the war.</p> - -<p>One failing had troubled her ever since she -could remember—the tendency to disagree with -opinions as soon as an overwhelming majority -held them.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_106">[106]</span>It was partly due to the example of Mathilda’s -own fastidiousness and independence of judgment, -but she went farther than Mathilda, and -supposed that she must have inherited this inconvenient -trait from that mythical father of whom -she had been told so little and longed to know so -much. At all events, she arrived at certain conclusions, -by herself, about the war: for example, -that perhaps Germany was not entirely the instigator, -that cruelties were probably practised -on both sides—war’s horrors produced them—and -that after all it did seem as though the whole -world was furiously pitted against two or three -caged-in nations.</p> - -<p>She did not entirely like herself for these -heresies and kept silent upon them. But she -promised herself the fun of an argument with Hal. -How it would irritate him!</p> - -<p>“He’ll think I’ve lost my mind. Perhaps he’ll -surrender me to the authorities. How wonderful—I -wish he would!”</p> - -<p>She took one final glimpse of herself and walked -slowly out of the room to face a hard day. She -felt she would prove a formidable antagonist for -Hal.</p> - -<p>But downstairs a surprise was waiting. She -found Mathilda, suppressing a few tears, and her -Uncle sitting in a profound study. Their disappointment -communicated itself to her at once. -Something had happened about Hal.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_107">[107]</span>Mrs. Seymour indicated the yellow night-letter -on the table.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>“Dear Father and Aunt [it read]: Offered -chance to join aviation training corps, -Long Island, at once. No time to come home. -Wish me luck enough to get over soon. Love. -Hal.”</p> -</div> - -<p>Well, that was sensation enough for her. He -had acted with divine independence.</p> - -<p>The months that followed until the Armistice -were dull and tragic. She would a hundred times -rather have gone over herself, though it be as a -rank flag-waver. It was all stupid, cunning, criminal, -got up by old men to kill young ones. It -would be stupid enough to take Hal, her playmate. -Night after night she saw him, mutilated or dead; -she got so she could picture exactly the way a -small hole looked in a man’s forehead, just the -degree of red and blue about its tiny rim, and the -relaxed, livid expression of a face that had been -dead several hours. These pictures haunted her -wakeful nights in many different guises, but always -with Hal’s features. She learned in imagination -how flesh looked when it was laid open -or gangrened, and the appearance of the end of -a limb that had been taken off. And she grew so -bitter that she found she could not pray, though -she had always experienced a soothing pleasure<span class="pagenum" id="Page_108">[108]</span> -from the language of the Book of Common Prayer. -She never said those pieces again. She would sit -up suddenly in bed, as though she had been wakened -by a barrage, and talk by fitful candlelight -to her portrait.</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_109">[109]</span> - -<h2 class="nobreak">XI</h2> -</div> - -<p>“<span class="smcap">And</span> you aren’t really sorry you didn’t get -over?”</p> - -<p>“Sorry? Wouldn’t you be?”</p> - -<p>“Well, I don’t know. Considering the hordes -of disillusioned veterans I’ve met this winter—”</p> - -<p>“At least they had a chance to get disillusioned -in action. Something for their money. With me -it’s just two years—practically three years—gone -to pot, and a sort of feeling it isn’t worth while -to go back at all. To college, I mean.”</p> - -<p>“You couldn’t start this time of year, could -you?”</p> - -<p>“I suppose I could do something.”</p> - -<p>“It would be fun having you around until Fall—like -old times.”</p> - -<p>Hal laughed shortly.</p> - -<p>“You’d care?”</p> - -<p>“I’ve had a good long spell of Thornhill alone, -you know. Next year I shan’t mind, because I’ll -be away at school myself.”</p> - -<p>“My Lord, Moira, have you anything more to -learn?”</p> - -<p>“Oh, yes, I could learn to be useful, for instance.”</p> - -<p>“You manage to be most anything, if the notion -strikes you.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_110">[110]</span>“I’m not so crazy to go,” she mused. “I imagine -it’ll be rather awful. Formalities, lady lecturers, -highbrow girls with shell-rimmed glasses. -They’ve been cramming education down the -throats of the fashionable young for a generation -and what’s the result? Country clubs, prohibition, -and a beastly war.”</p> - -<p>“Cynical, eh?”</p> - -<p>“No more than you would be, if you’d done -nothing but read newspapers these last two years. -I suppose now they’ll all combine and squeeze -everything out of Germany that she has left—just -as the Persians and the Greeks did, and the -kings in the Bible. And there’ll be a lot of -moralizing—more than ever. Of course, you’ll -be glad. The victor is always spoiled.”</p> - -<p>“Pooh,” he laughed. “You’ve got me wrong. -I don’t give a damn what they do. Say, the only -principles I have left are principles of horsemanship. -I’m highly interested in the way you sit -Elfin.”</p> - -<p>“Isn’t she a beauty!”</p> - -<p>“She’s a pretty horse. But I wasn’t referring -entirely to the equine part of the combination.”</p> - -<p>It was the first real day they had had together -since Hal’s discharge from camp the week before. -The weather was like an Indian summer afternoon, -one of those exceedingly mild days of February -between spells of stiff cold. They had been -galloping along the high road, when Moira suddenly<span class="pagenum" id="Page_111">[111]</span> -pulled up and turned her horse into a -meandering lane, so narrow that the stripped -branches met in sharply accentuated patterns overhead -against the sky. The fields were a monotonous, -hard stubbly brown, except where pockets of -soiled snow lay in the holes and under the protecting -sides of hillocks.</p> - -<p>“Is Selden Van Nostrand coming out to-morrow?” -asked Hal, after they had ridden a hundred -yards in silence.</p> - -<p>“Yes.”</p> - -<p>“Does he come out often?”</p> - -<p>“Yes ... let’s go as far as Corey’s Inn for a -bite. I’m famishing, aren’t you?”</p> - -<p>“I don’t like him. I suppose you know that.”</p> - -<p>“You’re not going to be like the rest of the patriots, -are you? Get so you despise anybody with -a critical mind?”</p> - -<p>“I admire people who say what they mean as -much as anybody. But I do object to Van Nostrand, -because he’s faintly rotten, and even his -wit is literary. He always seems to be rehearsed. -Anybody can do that Wilde thing if they study up -on it long enough. The point is, is it worth -while?”</p> - -<p>She laughed with a touch of malice.</p> - -<p>“You sound like a book review, Hal. His line -is pretty easy, but it’s a line. Nobody ever even -tries to be amusing here, and he not only tries but -I think he succeeds.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_112">[112]</span>“It’s from him, I suppose, you got this fellow-feeling -for the Germans. Well, he had plenty of -opportunity to cultivate it, staying at home.”</p> - -<p>Moira gave him a glance of friendliness.</p> - -<p>“Oh, it’s such fun to have you back, I don’t -care what you say. If you knew all the dreams -I’ve had, terrifying dreams, seeing you—hurt and -cut up and dead. I’d wake up mad enough to kill -Germans myself.”</p> - -<p>“Did you really dream about me, Moira?” He -pulled his horse closer to hers, leaning as far as -he could. The girl’s mount, disliking to be -crowded, pranced out of control, and Hal had to -swerve away, but he kept his eyes on the straight, -slim figure.</p> - -<p>“God, Moira, what a beauty you’ve grown!”</p> - -<p>She began to murmur aloud:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="first">“When I was one and twenty</div> -<div class="indent">I heard a wise man say</div> -<div class="verse">Give crowns and pounds and guineas</div> -<div class="indent">But not your heart away,</div> -<div class="verse">Give gold away and rubies</div> -<div class="indent">But keep your fancy free,</div> -<div class="verse">But I was one and twenty,</div> -<div class="indent">No use to talk to me.”</div> -</div></div> - -<p>“Moira!” he cried, but she was gone, at full -gallop down the lane.</p> - -<p>“Hurry!” she called back, “I’m nearly dead -with hunger.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_113">[113]</span>And from there to the inn was a race.</p> - -<p>When they returned it was dark, and both were -eager to reach the stables, but as they wheeled -into the little pasture road which led through the -tenant’s land and past Hermann Dietz’ house, a -curious scene halted them.</p> - -<p>The house was a very old-fashioned small -wooden dwelling, with a high stone foundation, -built by the past generation of Dietzes twenty-five -or thirty years before. The barn, larger than the -house, was some twenty yards from the kitchen -door, across a squalid cow yard. A dim lamp or -two was burning in the house, but this was completely -deserted, the doors hanging open and giving -it a half-witted grimace. The centre of attraction -was a big double barn door. Around this, in -a lighted semi-circle stood the Dietz family, consisting -of the bony, tall, salmon-faced father, the -emaciated, dreadfully stooped mother, and four -children of varying ages. A curious murmur -arose from the group, and riding closer, Moira -and Hal saw that they were weeping. Beyond, -they could catch a glimpse of the body of a horse, -swaying slightly from side to side in its last agony, -and casting monstrous shadows on the high cobwebbed -walls behind, thrown by the lantern which -stood on the ground at Hermann’s feet.</p> - -<p>Moira dismounted and signalled to Hal to follow -her.</p> - -<p>“They’ve been grieving this way since yesterday,”<span class="pagenum" id="Page_114">[114]</span> -she whispered, “and to-day the veterinary -told them he couldn’t save the horse.”</p> - -<p>The sobs arising from the pitiful group, two of -the smallest of whom clung to their mother’s -skirts and hid their faces, more frightened at the -commotion than troubled about the horse, rose -and fell with the spasms of suffering that swept -over the dying beast. Moira heard Ellen’s reassuring -voice and saw her face for the first time -in the lantern light at the far end of the group.</p> - -<p>“Ah, Mrs. Dietz, let them put the poor animal -out of its pain,” she was saying in a loud whisper -to the mother. “It can’t live.”</p> - -<p>Moira turned to Hal and took his arm. He had -been smiling grimly at the scene, but as her hand -fell upon his sleeve he covered it with his own. -The horse, the drama of primitive sorrow, everything -was forgotten, except her features and hair, -and gipsy loveliness in the wavering light.</p> - -<p>“They’re Ellen’s children, these people,” she -said. “She’s wonderful to them. She told me -yesterday ‘that horse is like a member of their -family, Miss Moira. It’ll be terrible when it dies.’ -Isn’t she fine to come down here and comfort -them?”</p> - -<p>They turned at the sound of foot-steps crossing -the hard earth and stubble, and two stocky figures -passed them.</p> - -<p>“Hullo,” said one, with a grin. It was Rob -Blaydon, carrying in his hand something from<span class="pagenum" id="Page_115">[115]</span> -which they caught a quick gleam as he passed. -The veterinary was with him. Both went up to -Hermann and held a hurried consultation, and -during this the family fell silent. Presently the -three men parted. Hermann spoke up in a high, -quavering voice.</p> - -<p>“Well, Momma, they say it’s jest got to be done. -We jest got to give her up, and put her out of her -misery. I don’t know where we’re a-goin’ to git -another one like her. I don’t know—that I don’t. -Poor old Molly. She’s been with us now longer -than my boy there, pretty near as long as Lilly -here. It breaks me up to lose her. Yes, sir, it -goes hard, but there ain’t no helping it.”</p> - -<p>“That’s the way to look at it, Hermann,” said -Rob, with gruff good nature.</p> - -<p>Hal raised his voice from where he stood with -Moira at some distance.</p> - -<p>“I’ll give you another horse, Dietz,” he said. -Moira squeezed his arm.</p> - -<p>“Thank you, thank you, Mr. Hal,” the farmer -responded, obsequiously, peering for him in the -weak light. “Now, Momma, ain’t that fine! Well, -children, I guess we better be movin’ in. Poor -Molly—I’d rather not see you do it, gentlemen, -if you don’t mind.”</p> - -<p>The family turned to obey, exhibiting a variety -of expressions, from fright to the deepest woe, -but Moira observed that there was one who had -not shared the general grief—the short, mature,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_116">[116]</span> -straw-haired girl of sixteen or seventeen, whose -face bore a stolid, disdainful look. She followed -toward the kitchen after Ellen and one of the -small children, but as she reached the porch she -turned and gazed at Rob Blaydon, fascinated by -the revolver in his hand. In the weird light, which -cast a romantic glow over her figure and uncouth -clothing, Moira thought the girl had a touch of -beauty, fresh and coarse and natural as earth.</p> - -<p>“Poor Hermann,” she said, “he’s a rustic Pierrot, -Hal.”</p> - -<p>Just as they topped the ridge they heard the -harsh double-fire of Rob Blaydon’s revolver. She -was glad to see the lights of Thornhill.</p> - -<p>“Well,” said Hal, “Rob had a good hunch to-night—even -if it was fun for him. Just the sort -of thing he’d love. There’s the boy who needed -to go to France. As it is he’ll get over that raw -streak very slowly.”</p> - -<p>“Rob’s a dear,” she broke in, earnestly. “I’m -not one of those who worry about him. He’s a -good animal—without a shred of theory in him. -I let him get me most beautifully pickled twice -last Fall.”</p> - -<p>“The devil you did!” exclaimed Hal.</p> - -<p>“Why not? He knows everybody everywhere -and they like him. And he drives like a wild man—when -he’s had a few. Now you wouldn’t be -such a good fellow, would you, Hal? You’d be<span class="pagenum" id="Page_117">[117]</span> -cautious and look after my morals, and count my -drinks and take me home early.”</p> - -<p>“Yes, I’m afraid I would,” he said. “And I -suppose you wouldn’t like it.”</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_118">[118]</span> - -<h2 class="nobreak">XII</h2> -</div> - -<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was Ellen’s night off and after the dispatching -of the horse, she stayed with Mrs. Dietz -to cheer her up and help put the two youngest -children to bed. She had been so long a constant -visitor and benefactor that they had ceased to regard -her as an emissary from the big house and -talked of their troubles freely before her.</p> - -<p>The five of them sat about the lamp in the comfortless -but warm living room of the farmhouse, -listening to a monologue by Hermann Dietz on the -virtues of the dead horse. Although he had been -born within a hundred feet of that spot, and his -father had come to America as a boy, Dietz’ accent, -like many of his kind bred to the farms thereabouts, -still bore traces of the German. They -were a squatter-like tribe, never prosperous.</p> - -<p>“Poor old Molly, she was not so old, yet, but it -seemed like we had had her always, Mrs. Williams. -She did her share, Molly.”</p> - -<p>“What did Mr. Robert do to Molly?” asked the -boy, plaintively. “Did he shoot her? Can I go -see?”</p> - -<p>“No, no, you wait until morning. Don’t you -mind about Molly. She was sufferin’ terrible, and -she’s better where she is. But we’ll miss her.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_119">[119]</span> -Yes, Johnnie, when you was a little bit of a feller, -two, three years old, Poppa used to put you on -Molly’s back and hold you, and you’d laugh and -holler and she’d walk so easy just as if she knew -you was a baby.”</p> - -<p>“Things was different in them days,” piped his -wife. “Them automobile horns, now. We didn’t -never used to hear them. But nowadays it’s half -the night, Mrs. Williams. I can’t get used to ’em. -They keep me awake so.”</p> - -<p>“Ah, they wouldn’t be so bad,” put in the girl -Lilly, “if we could ride in ’em now an’ then, the -way others do. Johann Hunker’s got a m’chine.”</p> - -<p>“Ach, you are always bellerin’ about a -m’chine,” her father burst out. “When you got -one you got a hole to throw money in. Listen to -them rich people even, talkin’ about how much -they cost. What have I got to do with a m’chine? -An’ whose goin’ to run it, your Momma? I ain’t -goin’ to take no risks with ’em, not since I got -that sunstroke last August anyways. I git so -dizzy sometimes I think I can’t get home to the -house.”</p> - -<p>“I could run it,” grumbled Lilly.</p> - -<p>“You now, Lilly! You’ve got plenty to do without -that. You don’t tend to your work the way it -is.”</p> - -<p>“She’s gettin’ so lazy she’s got no head to remember -anything,” put in her mother. “I don’t -dare leave the children with her.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_120">[120]</span>“M’chine!” Dietz quavered on, “I ain’t got no -money for ’em if I wanted one.”</p> - -<p>“You’ve got the money, I guess,” said Mrs. -Dietz querulously, “the same as Johann Hunker, -if you wanted to spend it.”</p> - -<p>“Now, Momma, I told you twenty times already -I’m takin’ care of your money. Who’s goin’ to -keep it safe for a rainy day, if it ain’t me?”</p> - -<p>“Well, we don’t see anything of it, Hermann, -not since you got hold of it ... sellin’ off the -farms, an’ leavin’ us with hardly a place to put -foot to the ground.”</p> - -<p>“Yes, Momma,” rejoined her husband earnestly. -“I did sell off the farms. But you know -what Mr. McNutt said. He said if I didn’t want -to take that two hundred dollars an acre Mr. -Blaydon offered, they’d all go somewheres else -an’ build, and our land never would git a high -price. You couldn’t git a hundred for it in them -days.”</p> - -<p>“There’s some of them waited longer an’ got -more. Johann Hunker did.”</p> - -<p>“Johann Hunker may be a slick feller, but if I -hadn’t sold when I did they mightn’t have come -here at all, an’ then where would Johann Hunker -be? Never you mind about that money. It’s -a-drawin’ good interest.”</p> - -<p>Dietz lifted his tall, bent form from his chair -and shuffled over to the stove to dump his pipe.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_121">[121]</span> -Then he turned again to his wife, a sudden grin -spreading over his cheeks.</p> - -<p>“Well, Momma, what about a little wine? Seeing -Mrs. Williams is here, eh? A little home-made -wine and coffee cake. We’ll give the childern -some wine to-night, eh? Lilly, bring up the chairs -to the table.”</p> - -<p>The girl rose languidly to obey and Mrs. Dietz -departed for the bedroom, returning a moment -later with a long bottle. Lilly brought glasses -and placed them on the red-figured table cover.</p> - -<p>“Get the coffee cake, Lilly,” her mother ordered.</p> - -<p>Dietz toyed affectionately with the stem of his -glass filled with bright red liquid.</p> - -<p>“Ach, the home-made wine—that is good! -Well, it is like old times, Momma—when the older -children, Lena and Fred was here, and Lilly was -a little girl about Johnnie’s size. Yes, it was fine -then. None of these rich people with big houses -and all that. We was the bosses then.”</p> - -<p>“We had all the land,” put in Mrs. Dietz gloomily. -“We could get enough off of it to sell a good -crop every year and plenty of vegetables to the -commission men, and you always had money, if -you needed it for anything, like Molly dying. -Now it’s in the bank and we can’t spend nothing. -No, the land was better than the money.”</p> - -<p>“Mr. Blaydon, he gives me sixty dollars a<span class="pagenum" id="Page_122">[122]</span> -month, and all the feed for the stock, and half the -money from the truck. That is something, sixty -dollars sure every month.”</p> - -<p>“But you’ve got to work for Mr. Blaydon, and -I do, and even the childern. It ain’t the same as -when we worked for ourselves.”</p> - -<p>“Poppa,” broke in Lilly, as she cut the long -flat sections of coffee cake, “Mary Hunker was -selling some of Johann’s wine over at Corey’s last -week. She got a big price, enough to buy a new -dress. Can I sell some of Momma’s wine? We -can’t ever drink up what we got every year.”</p> - -<p>“Ach Himmel!” Dietz cried, bringing his glass -down with a rattle upon the table. “There is -that girl. We have the land and sell that. We -have the wine and we got to sell that too. Ain’t -there nothing we can call our own? No, Lilly, -you let the wine be.”</p> - -<p>“I never get clothes at all like the Hunker -girls,” she replied sullenly. “I saw a green dress, -a pretty one, over at town that was only thirteen -dollars and fifty cents.”</p> - -<p>“But, Lilly, your sister Lena never bought no -dresses for thirteen dollars and fifty cents. And -Lena always looked nice. She married a man -with a fine bakery business on Oak Street. He -took Lena already because she was a neat, sensible -girl and wouldn’t throw away his money for him. -I don’t know what to think of you, Lilly. A honest, -Christian girl, the way you’ve been brought<span class="pagenum" id="Page_123">[123]</span> -up. You ain’t like your sister, is she, Momma?”</p> - -<p>“You wouldn’t expect all girls would be alike, -Hermann,” said her mother. “Lilly is a good -girl, but times have changed since Lena was her -age. You give me the money, now, and I’ll go -with her to look at the dress.”</p> - -<p>“Well, well, I guess so,” replied Hermann, mollified -by his wife’s firmness. “That is a lot of -money, but Lilly is a pretty girl, eh? I’ll give you -the money to-morrow and maybe you can buy the -dress before Sunday. Then them Hunker girls -won’t be so fresh up at church.”</p> - -<p>“Pour some more wine for Mrs. Williams, -Lilly,” said Mrs. Dietz.</p> - -<p>“No,” said Ellen, “I must be going.”</p> - -<p>“Yes, a night cap, Mrs. Williams,” said Dietz, -in his best manner. “A little more wine for all -of us, and then we’ll go to bed. I got to get -Meyer, if I can, or Ed Becker, to help me bury -poor Molly to-morrow. You got to dig a big hole -for a horse.”</p> - -<p>As Ellen left the cottage and started homeward -she did not know whether to laugh or cry. It was -always the same story, poverty and hard work, -and the vanity of the young girl tempted as she -had been most of her life by the strange, glamorous -panorama of the rich at her very doorstep. -And she had not the sense of pride the older folks -had enjoyed, the knowledge of having been masters -of the neighbourhood. Mrs. Dietz’ remark<span class="pagenum" id="Page_124">[124]</span> -haunted her mind. “The land was better than -the money.” For such as these people, it was. It -had given them all they had, all they could possibly -have, to live for.</p> - -<p>The shortest path up the hill to the Blaydon -house was rocky and steep, and a third the way -up Ellen stopped for breath and regretted she -had not walked around the longer way. It was -dark under the trees and hard to stick to the path. -She sat down to remove a pebble from her low -shoe. As she stood up again facing the foot of -the hill, she could see a broad patch of Dietz’ -field through an opening in the branches. At -that moment a figure stepped out from the trees -into the open space and came to a stop as if waiting. -It was a man undoubtedly, she thought, but -she was curious to make sure. So few prowlers -ever disturbed the peace of the place. She crept -down the path, holding on to the shrubs and tree-trunks -and making as little noise as possible. -She decided she would wait until the man moved -on and go around by the road after all. Reaching -the bottom she found herself within a few yards -of Rob Blaydon. A moment later, nearer the already -dark and silent Dietz house, she saw another -figure stirring. What could Rob be up to -and who was his confederate? Then swiftly, Lilly -darted from the shadow of the house and joined -him. The two disappeared, exchanging whispers, -around the side of the hill.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_125">[125]</span>Ellen started impulsively, as though she would -stop them, but she did not go far. What could -she do? She knew Rob Blaydon too well to think -that he would take any interference from her or -from any inferior. He was not a mean boy, but he -was headstrong. He would tell her that he thought -her a busybody and a nuisance. And supposing -she went to Lilly? Lilly would be frightened and -cowed for the moment. But Ellen realized, far -more sharply than the girl’s family, how deep her -rebellion lay. In the end she would throw advice -to the winds.</p> - -<p>There was left the alternative of warning Mathilda -or Sterling Blaydon. If she did so what -could she prove? Rob was bold enough to make -the thing appear in any light he desired, some -boyish escapade in which he had inveigled the girl -to join. To excite the Dietz family about the girl’s -danger was as useless. They could not control -her in any case, and it might fire her to desperate -measures. Ellen could do nothing that would result -in any good, nothing except create a scandal.</p> - -<p>She sat down and wondered if she cared. She -certainly cared about the child’s welfare, but now -that she felt it was impossible to prevent what -was happening, she could reason about it calmly. -Life was a dreadfully sad thing any way you took -it. But could this love affair do the girl more -harm than she was sure to meet with in any event—perhaps -at the hands of worse men? Might it<span class="pagenum" id="Page_126">[126]</span> -not come to mean something to her she would -cherish despite its cost? Ellen’s only answer to -these questions was her own experience. Perhaps -it had been worth while. Her daughter was -happy, with an unclouded future, and she was contented. -Knowledge of herself had suddenly -shaken her faith in the creed that one must inevitably -suffer pain because of sin.</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_127">[127]</span> - -<h2 class="nobreak">XIII</h2> -</div> - -<p><span class="smcap">From</span> the house far above them came the indistinct -sound of Mathilda at the piano. Was it -“<i>Reflets dans l’eau</i>” she was playing? As the -music stopped the chaotic noises of life took up -their endless staccato rhythm—cows lowing in the -pasture, a workman calling to another, the beat of -a hammer in some farmhouse, the restless twitter -and trilling of birds, the snapping and stirring of -branches, a motorhorn sounding a thousand miles -away, it seemed—the music of the universe that -was flowing through her now in a full stream. -Moira opened her book at random:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="first">“Leave go my hands, let me catch breath and see;</div> -<div class="verse">Let the dew-fall drench either side of me;</div> -<div class="indent">Clear apple leaves are soft upon that moon</div> -<div class="verse">Seen side-wise like a blossom in the tree;</div> -<div class="indent">Ah God, ah God, that day should come so soon....”</div> -</div></div> - -<p>She stopped and looked off through the leaves -to the wide fields where the sun lay.</p> - -<p>“Don’t you love it, Hal,” she said, “just the -sound of it, the perverse beauty of it? Is there -anything more wonderful?”</p> - -<p>Hal rolled over upon the flat of his back staring -thoughtfully up from the shady chamber of green,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_128">[128]</span> -the tiny grotto at the cliff-foot, up at the grey old -overhanging boulders, like moles and maculations -on the brow of an ancient crone, the massy -tangle of branches and leaves bursting from -among them and cutting off half his vision of the -glittering blue heaven, wherein floated great -flocks of clouds as artificial in their sheer whiteness -and hard outlines as puff-balls on a pool. His -muscular brown arms and neck were bare to the -white bathing shirt. His bright blonde hair was -tousled over his face, which was mature and -strong. The girl’s voice made little ripples of -pleasure run over his limbs; it gave the words a -significance which would never have reached him -without her—</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="first">“The grass is thick and cool, it lets us lie,</div> -<div class="verse">Kissed upon either cheek and either eye.</div> -<div class="indent">I turn to thee as some green afternoon</div> -<div class="indent">Turns toward sunset and is loth to die;</div> -<div class="indent">Ah God, ah God, that day should come so soon.”</div> -</div></div> - -<p>That certainly he could feel supremely, experience -in himself. He let his gaze rest upon her. -The fine black hair, bobbed at last in spite of -Aunt Mathilda’s anxious objections, made a quaint -pattern on the face. Against it the glow of her -skin and lips was the more brilliant by contrast, -and beneath the white angle of brow, the eyes, -looking suddenly at him from the page, were as -clear, cool, vivid blue as violets in a snowbank.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_129">[129]</span>There was in that face the necessary balance -between strength and frailty, self-possession and -emotion, at least, so he thought, the features not -quite absolutely regular. He preferred that touch -of oddness; it was the stamp of her will, her curious -insights, her traits of unusual justice. It mitigated -too much beauty. Greek models were all -very well in statues, but in a woman one wanted -a lively difference.... Moira’s book suddenly -snapped shut, as though his slowly relished inspection -were too much for her. Her short laugh -came like a chain of melody from her whole -body.</p> - -<p>“Poor Hal,” she cried, “aren’t you sorry you -will have to listen to Swinburne all your life?”</p> - -<p>He reached out an Indian forearm and drew -her to him. They were silent for a long time. -Then she sat back, her eyes admiring the relaxed -strength of his body.</p> - -<p>“God!” he muttered, “and I once thought because -we were cousins this could never happen—I -should never be allowed to speak.”</p> - -<p>“Such a good little boy,” she said. “You -would have waited to be allowed.”</p> - -<p>“It’s odd how I’ve never been able to think -of you as Aunt’s daughter.”</p> - -<p>“Neither have I,” she replied. “But it is easy -to explain. It takes a man—a father—about the -house to establish parentage. Mother is a dilettante -on her job, anyway. But I have some qualities<span class="pagenum" id="Page_130">[130]</span> -from her, I know.... What <i>was</i> father -like?”</p> - -<p>“I wasn’t exactly his playmate, you know!” he -laughed. “I don’t remember him any more than -you do. But he must have been a regular, from -all I’ve heard. He was your father, all right.”</p> - -<p>“H’m.... Ned Seymour <i>sounds</i> like a man -who might be my father. And names are wonderful—better -than portraits—to read people by. I -can’t tell much by father’s looks. Poor Daddy, -Maman stood by him, I’m glad of that. She’s always -been a heretic among her own. But if Daddy -was so ambitious, so indifferent to the world and -all that, why didn’t he leave me a sign, why didn’t -he leave glorious works? He should have.”</p> - -<p>“He left you,” laughed Hal.</p> - -<p>“The work of an idle moment.”</p> - -<p>“Aren’t they the best? But I rather like that -about your father, the fact that he was a spectator -rather than a spouter. So many darned people -aren’t content with their limitations. They have -to puddle about with paint and ink.”</p> - -<p>“As I do.”</p> - -<p>“It’s yours by right, I suppose. At least, you -really like it.”</p> - -<p>“I have invented a litany, Hal. Will you listen -to it? I invented it for the saddest people in the -world. It goes like this: O God, be merciful to -those who are free and must live with the fettered; -to the scornful laughers who are bound to the humourless;<span class="pagenum" id="Page_131">[131]</span> -to the swift who walk by the slow; and -the idle who are bondsmen to the busy—and especially, -O God, be merciful to all those whose -spirits were young and whose generation denied -them youth’s chance, amen. There must have -been many like Daddy in his day.”</p> - -<p>Through the trees the half moon glowed like the -polished end of a woman’s nail against a pink and -sapphire West. It was an infinitely tender moment, -the end of a week of betrothal, the eve of -his departure for a trip North.</p> - -<p>“Let me, please, once more,” whispered Moira, -“one I love.” And she quoted:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="first">“La lune blanche</div> -<div class="verse">Luit dans les bois,</div> -<div class="verse">De chaque branche</div> -<div class="verse">Parte une voix,</div> -<div class="verse">Sous la ramée,</div> -<div class="verse">Oh, bien-aimée.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="first">“Une vaste et tendre</div> -<div class="verse">Apaisement</div> -<div class="verse">Semble descendre</div> -<div class="verse">Du firmament</div> -<div class="verse">Que l’astre irise....</div> -<div class="verse">C’est l’heure exquise!”</div> -</div></div></div> - -<p>“You gave me those,” she said. “They were -a peace offering one Christmas, one year you had -treated me very badly. I love them because they<span class="pagenum" id="Page_132">[132]</span> -are all young, all fresh, ageless. Let’s you and I, -dear, resolve to be young forever. Let’s make a -bond of youth, cherish it, study to keep it, never -let it go.”</p> - -<p>“Moira, you will never be older than this day.”</p> - -<p>“I think it is easy to stay young if one keeps -one’s unreasonable likes. One should always like -things that are a little twisted and strange, in -spite of what people think. One must like Verlaine’s -absinthe as well as Verlaine, Swinburne -and Swinburne’s perversity also, Rob and his -wickedness—the wickedness he doesn’t understand. -You know, Hal, I didn’t go to college after -all, because I was afraid it would make me old, it -would give me ‘interests.’ I hate the word. As -if everything wasn’t an interest!”</p> - -<p>They walked around by the flat, broad meadow, -hushed in the dusk. The first whip-poor-will was -calling. She clung to his arm, enjoying the sensation -of firm muscles flexing under her hand.</p> - -<p>“I don’t care,” she cried. “I’m not afraid of -anything. I would as soon give myself to you, all -of me, now, to-night. The rest, all the fuss, does -not count. What is there to fear in this glorious -wide world, Hal?”</p> - -<p>“Nothing—but fear, I suppose,” he replied.</p> - -<p>Two white figures swaying together across the -dusty furrows, they merged into the darkness like -birds fluttering out of sight in the clouds.</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_133">[133]</span> - -<h2 class="nobreak">XIV</h2> -</div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Moira</span> had considered Mathilda not at all in the -swift, sudden, almost cyclonic romance with Hal -Blaydon, no more indeed than in any of her flirtations. -There had been many others, of all ages, -from her own up to fifty, and she had vaguely realized -that when her choice was made, if she made -a choice, her mother would have to be counted in. -At times during the past week of incredible magic, -she had feared the possibility of a clash between -them, owing to the good Episcopalian views, to -which Mathilda still clung, despite the advanced -and advancing habits of thought that surrounded -her. But the logic with which the girl faced this -possibility was serene: harmony had always prevailed -between them, too much harmony perhaps, -and some conflict was inevitable sooner or later. -It had better occur over this biggest and most -important choice of her youth.</p> - -<p>She had begun to wonder, of late, just how she -felt toward her mother. Certainly she was very -fond of her, but it seemed hardly a filial fondness. -She admired Mathilda’s little fantasticalities; it -was clear that she had in her time been something -of an idol-breaker; but it was equally clear that -her cherished image of herself as a person of<span class="pagenum" id="Page_134">[134]</span> -great independence of mind was somewhat out-worn. -The daughter had gone far beyond the -older woman, or so she thought, and there lurked -small matters on which they concealed their opinions -from each other. Moreover, Moira had loved -her most for the brightness and charm of her -manner and these were becoming clouded by a -new development that touched her closely—a -secret in her brother’s life. Mathilda had discovered -the truth with amazement, but to all appearances -had reconciled herself to it. So long, -she argued, as the apartment he kept in town -remained only a rendezvous for discreet meetings, -she did not greatly care. But more and more this -other establishment was taking Blaydon away -from them. Could her brother possibly bring -himself to marry the woman—not now perhaps—but -when age had weakened his resistance and laid -him open to appeals to sentiment and protection? -He was already far from a young man.... It -was a situation that had a profound effect upon -her accustomed poise, because it was one which -she could not influence nor even speak of in his -presence.</p> - -<p>After Hal had left on his trip that night, Moira -put up her car—she had driven him to the station -herself—and walked into the library. She found -Mathilda embroidering, a pastime in which she -was skilful, and took a frank pride. It was her -substitute for artistic expression, as she said, a<span class="pagenum" id="Page_135">[135]</span> -gift she had always honestly envied. Everybody -they knew, Moira thought, longed for artistic expression—and -Hal had been right to scorn it. -There were Mary Cawthorn and Tempe Riddle—as -soon as people like that had taken up writing -verse, she herself had dropped it. She had turned -exclusively to her painting. That, at least, you -couldn’t do at all, without some foreground, some -knowledge and practice. She was happy that -her youth had been industrious enough to bring -her a measure of these. And she did not take it -seriously.</p> - -<p>“Well,” said Mathilda, “you’ve seen your -darling off?”</p> - -<p>The girl did not attempt to conceal her surprise. -Then she laughed.</p> - -<p>“I suppose nobody could really have failed -to know, who had been around the house these -last few days. Still, we thought we were so -clever.”</p> - -<p>“There’s such a thing as being too clever. -When you and Hal began to be stiff toward each -other, I knew what was happening.”</p> - -<p>“We must have been a fine pair of actors.”</p> - -<p>“But I’ve seen it coming all along. Before -either of you did, I believe.”</p> - -<p>Moira flopped upon the cricket at her mother’s -feet, and looked into her face affectionately.</p> - -<p>“And that means, darling, that you don’t object?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_136">[136]</span>Mathilda ran her slim hand through the short, -dark curls leaning against her knee.</p> - -<p>“Of course not, my child. It’s the most perfect -thing that could have happened.”</p> - -<p>“Mother,” asked the girl, looking up at her -whimsically, “when are we ever going to quarrel, -you and I?”</p> - -<p>“Never, I hope.”</p> - -<p>“Isn’t it rather unhealthy never to quarrel? -Hal and I do, frequently, and I’m glad of it.”</p> - -<p>“You won’t think that way when you are my -age.”</p> - -<p>“<i>Maman</i>, are you very miserable about Uncle -Sterling?”</p> - -<p>Mathilda’s reply was preceded by a short pause -and a quick glance.</p> - -<p>“How did you know that?” she asked.</p> - -<p>“I have ears and eyes—and can put things together, -you know,” laughed Moira. Then she -added, more gravely, “I really don’t think many -people know. When Selden hinted about it I denied -the story flatly—for his benefit.”</p> - -<p>“Why deny the truth?” It was one of Mathilda’s -traits to be able to say things the implications -of which were unpleasant to her.</p> - -<p>“Oh, one must to busybodies. Only I do wish -you wouldn’t be unhappy about it.”</p> - -<p>“I’m not,” said the other, “so long as matters -remain as they are.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_137">[137]</span>“I see what you mean, dear. People who have -professionally renounced marriage ought to have -some pride. They ought to observe the ethics of -their profession.”</p> - -<p>Mathilda smiled.</p> - -<p>“I’m afraid my attitude is not so impersonal. -Isn’t that somewhere in Shaw?”</p> - -<p>“It must be,” replied the girl. “But I’m quite -thrilled over the whole thing. Please forgive me -for saying so. To think of Uncle Sterling being -so delightfully biblical!”</p> - -<p>She went to the table and brought the cigarettes. -The older woman took one from her and laid -aside her embroidery. “You’ll do something for -me, you two?” she asked.</p> - -<p>“What?”</p> - -<p>“Get married as soon as possible.”</p> - -<p>“Oh, my dear! I’m only nineteen.”</p> - -<p>“Do you think you would ever change?”</p> - -<p>“No, I don’t think that.”</p> - -<p>“Then why not marry? I can’t understand the -modern idea of waiting until life is over to marry. -It’s good for people to have their youth together—when -they can.”</p> - -<p>“Well, Hal has done all the planning, and I -think it is very sensible. In the first place, he’s -going on with his chemistry. He doesn’t want to -go into the brokerage office, and you mustn’t tell -Uncle yet.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_138">[138]</span>“I approve of that. Brokerage will do for -Robert.”</p> - -<p>“It means two more years for him at college. -The first of them I shall spend in New York studying. -The next I want to spend in Paris, and I -want you to come with me, dear. How about it? -And then—married in Paris, and the Sorbonne -or some German University for Hal. Isn’t that -a glorious programme? He really didn’t plan all -of it.”</p> - -<p>“No, I imagine not,” laughed Mathilda. “He -would probably have planned it as I would, by beginning -with the end. But I shan’t oppose you. -I’ve never opposed you much, Moira, not even -when I might have done so with justice. And the -reason is that I have always wanted to live to see -one completely happy person. I hope you are -going to be the one.”</p> - -<p>Mathilda concluded with a wistful note.</p> - -<p>“Darling,” cried the girl. “How good you -have been to me. And I wonder if I am going to -be completely happy. I’ll try, and I shan’t be -ashamed or modest about it, either. Is that—egotistical?”</p> - -<p>A few minutes later as she passed Hal Blaydon’s -door on the way to her own, she could not -resist the temptation to go in. She had never -done that before deliberately, and she felt a little -like an intruder. She had a great distaste for<span class="pagenum" id="Page_139">[139]</span> -the practice of assuming privileges with those one -cared for, but she knew he would be pleased if he -saw her patting his bed affectionately and looking -around at his belongings. As she stopped in front -of the untidy book-shelves, she smiled at their incongruous -juxtaposition of textbooks, modern -novels and classic survivals of adolescence—“This -Side of Paradise” between a Latin grammar and -a Dictionary of Physics; “Cytherea,” which reminded -her just then of many men she knew, -alongside of “Plutarch’s Lives.” She reflected -that she would probably not sleep very early to-night -and had no fresh reading in her bedroom. -She quickly pulled out a volume and went to her -room.</p> - -<p>With her clothes off and three pillows behind -her back, and a cigarette between her lips, she -picked up the book she had borrowed. There had -been a certain degree of method in her selection. -It was an old, loose-backed, green-covered copy -of “Les Misérables,” one of her long and growing -list of “duty books,” that is to say, books she -ought to have read years ago and had not. This -happened also to belong to the classification of -“school-piece” books. An English reader had -contained a selection from it, and she had once resolved, -in a fit of rebellion against the academic, -never to read any books that yielded school pieces -for the boredom of the young. Later the conscience<span class="pagenum" id="Page_140">[140]</span> -of a cultivated adult had forced her to recant, -and her <i>index librorum prohibitorum</i> had -become an index obligatory.</p> - -<p>The book in her hand was a long one. She -would just about finish it by the time Hal came -back, and that would be killing two birds with one -stone.</p> - -<p>She opened it at random and as she removed -her thumbs the pages leaped back to a marked -place, occupied by a letter. She picked it up. It -was an old and faded letter, addressed to “Mrs. -Ellen Williams, 21 Trezevant Place.” That was -Ellen, the cook, of course. She smiled a little at -the thought of Ellen reading a monstrous book -like this. She had never seen Ellen read anything -except a recipe or a label. But, of course, -humble people did like Hugo. She had read -“Notre Dame” and “Ninety-Three.”</p> - -<p>Moira would have put the letter aside at once -to hand it to the servant in the morning had she -not noticed two markings on the envelope that -strangely interested her. One was the date, just -a month after she was born. The other was the -inscription on the flap in back, which read as follows:</p> - -<p class="center">from Miss Moira McCoy,        <br /> -Lutheran Maternity Hospital,<br /> -2243 Bismarck Street.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_141">[141]</span>Her own name, on a letter almost as old as she -was! She laid it down. She ought not to read it, -of course. But it certainly was hard to resist -knowing what some little Irish girl in the hospital -(who made her capital “m’s” with three vertical -lines and a horizontal bar across the top) was -thinking and doing a month after she was born. -Wasn’t there a “statute of limitations” on letters? -No letter nearly twenty years old could be -private. The lure of romance that lurked in the -envelope was too strong. She hastily drew out -the folded sheet and read:</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> -<p><span class="smcap">My Dear Mrs. Williams</span>:</p> - -<p>Just a note to tell you how honoured and -tickled I am that you are going to name your -little daughter after me.</p> - -<p>I hope to see her sometime soon, and you -also. I am so busy now, but in two or three -weeks I could call on my day off, Thursday, if -it could be arranged.</p> - -<p>So you love your new place? I’m so glad. -We all miss you and—my pretty little namesake. -How proud it makes me.</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="indentright">Sincerely your friend,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Moira McCoy</span>.</p> -</div> - -<p>She had never heard of Ellen’s having a baby, -and if she had just been naming it when this letter<span class="pagenum" id="Page_142">[142]</span> -was written it should have been about the same -age as herself. How curious it was that she and -Ellen’s baby should have had the same name. -Perhaps her mother had liked the name and borrowed -it from Ellen, for Mathilda would take what -she wanted; but it did seem unlikely she would -take the name of the cook’s baby for her own. -And what had become of Ellen’s Moira? She -would ask Ellen about it in the morning. Never -had her curiosity been so oddly and intensely -aroused.</p> - -<p>She cast the letter from her and opened Hugo, -but her eyes were heavy and her mind weary with -the thoughts and excitements of that day. In a -few moments she was asleep.</p> - -<p>When she awoke in the morning the first thing -she thought of was the letter, and she reread it. -The mystery had clearly taken a strong hold upon -her mind. While dressing she decided to postpone -seeing Ellen, and every time she went to her -room during the day she read the letter again -and asked herself more and more puzzling questions -about it. Why, for example, had Ellen never -spoken of her child, particularly if it had the -same name as herself? Was there something distasteful -in the recollection either to Ellen or to -her mistress?</p> - -<p>Moira could not get into the Hugo book at all. -Instead she took a long drive in her car and, finding -that a bore, she tried riding which proved no<span class="pagenum" id="Page_143">[143]</span> -better. She was tempted to hunt up Rob or telephone -for Selden and go somewhere for a cocktail -and a dance. Failing to reach either of them -or to decide on anything definite to do, she began -to find Ellen a source of enormous interest. -Hardly realizing it, she spied upon her all afternoon, -and searched her smiling, unconcerned features -whenever she appeared. It was hard to -think of Ellen ever having had a baby. She -stopped herself from pursuing this obsession a -half a dozen times, but the spell of curiosity lingered. -And still she could not bring herself to -speak to the woman. By nightfall she was scattered -and depressed, with the feeling of having -spent a wasted day.</p> - -<p>She went to bed early and tried again to read -Hugo, but instead, she found herself rereading -the McCoy letter. It drew her like a sinister -charm. She threw on a dressing gown and began -walking in the room. For the first time in her -whole life her fingers shook as she started to take -a cigarette from her box, and actually muffed it. -This made her angry, and she lit the cigarette -swiftly and fiercely and clattered the box down on -the table. Then she was able to laugh and upbraid -herself.</p> - -<p>“Good Lord!” she cried. “What has the cook -and her offspring to do with me? Why am I so -excited?”</p> - -<p>But even as the words died on her lips her reassurance<span class="pagenum" id="Page_144">[144]</span> -departed. She would never get control -of herself until she investigated. Why hadn’t she -talked to Ellen that day and got this foolish -curiosity off her mind? The woman would think -it strange if she called on her at this late hour to -return a twenty-year-old letter, even though it -contained sacred memories. Yet why should Ellen -think that? She would simply slip down and hand -her the letter with some gay nonsense about it -being better twenty years late than never, and if -Ellen wasn’t tired and seemed talkative she would -ask her about the coincidence of names. It was -certainly no new thing in that house for Moira to -do whimsical and unexpected things. She could -come back and sleep and dream of her blessed -Hal—poor Hal, he had hardly had a thought from -her all day.</p> - -<p>The regular servants’ rooms were at the top of -the house, but Ellen lived alone in the little wing -off the kitchen. She had chosen this ground floor -room because it was closer to the affairs that directly -concerned her, outside and in, and because -she was a privileged person, the dean of the servants. -Moira’s visit then would disturb nobody. -She drew her pretty gown about her and walked -boldly downstairs, knocked, made a laughing request -to be admitted and waited for the startled -woman to put something around her and unlock -the door.</p> - -<p>“Is this your letter, Ellen?” she asked. “I<span class="pagenum" id="Page_145">[145]</span> -found it last night and meant to give it to you to-day, -but forgot it. I thought you’d be so glad to -get it back, I’d just come down and give it to you -before I went to sleep. You see ... I read it—the -date was so near my birthday.”</p> - -<p>Ellen opened the letter and read it through with -apparent awkwardness and difficulty.</p> - -<p>“Why, Miss Moira, where did you get this? -It’s been lost for years. I didn’t know it was in -existence.”</p> - -<p>“I found it in a book upstairs.”</p> - -<p>“My land! How did it get there, I wonder?”</p> - -<p>“It was an old volume of Hugo’s—‘Les -Misérables.’”</p> - -<p>The girl winced a little as Ellen repeated the -name after her and mispronounced it schoolboy -fashion.</p> - -<p>“Oh, yes, yes, I remember. That’s so many -years ago. To think this letter has been there all -that time!”</p> - -<p>“I didn’t know you had ever had a baby, Ellen. -Tell me about it. Are you too sleepy?”</p> - -<p>“No, I’m not sleepy, Miss Moira—” Ellen’s -politeness prompted the words, yet the girl caught -a hint that she would have liked to end the conversation. -“You—you startled me so,” she went on. -“But—there isn’t anything to tell.”</p> - -<p>“Did she die?”</p> - -<p>“Yes, Miss Moira.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_146">[146]</span>The fidgety excitement which seized the grey-haired -woman was understandable on the ground -of old memories being suddenly aroused. Moira’s -voice expressed the tenderest sympathy.</p> - -<p>“How sad. She would have been such a comfort -to you now.”</p> - -<p>“Yes. But that’s all so long ago, ma’am. It’s -the way things happen in this world for some of -us.”</p> - -<p>“And your husband? Is he dead, too?”</p> - -<p>The questioning was becoming more and more -difficult for Ellen. When she answered it was -with a touch of impatience.</p> - -<p>“I don’t know. I don’t know where he is.”</p> - -<p>“He deserted you?”</p> - -<p>“Yes.”</p> - -<p>Moira felt the need of some apology, induced -by Ellen’s uneasiness, but the very fact that the -information was unsatisfactory made her perversely -eager to stay, although the little room -oppressed her.</p> - -<p>“I suppose you think I’m awfully curious, Ellen,” -she said, with a short laugh. “And very inconsiderate -to come and talk to you about these -things at this time of night. But it seems so -strange that you’ve been here ever since I can -remember, and I’ve never heard about them—I -suppose I thought you didn’t have an early life. -You’re so cheerful, one doesn’t imagine you’ve -had sorrows.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_147">[147]</span>“People forget, ma’am. You can’t stay sad -always.”</p> - -<p>“Isn’t it funny,” Moira broke in, “that I’ve -got the same name your daughter had?”</p> - -<p>“Ye-es—I guess it is.”</p> - -<p>Ellen’s forced laugh and strained expression, -and the tongue-tied moment that followed, were -as hard for Moira as for the speaker. The -silence lengthened. The older woman twisted -in her uncomfortable seat on the bed. She obviously -did not want to be looked at nor to look -at the girl. Why, thought Moira, should she -make all this fuss over old memories? What -harm was in them? Ellen was not naturally shy—she -could be voluble enough at times, and quite -intelligent.</p> - -<p>“And we were just about the same age, weren’t -we?”</p> - -<p>“No, oh, no,” burst out the other, and stopped -suddenly.</p> - -<p>“But the letter is dated so near my birthday,” -said Moira, a little brusquely, “and speaks of your -baby’s christening. We’d have to be.”</p> - -<p>“Bu-but—my little girl was christened very -late.”</p> - -<p>“She was christened about the time I was, by -the same name, and in the same house? Why, it’s -really a romantic idea, isn’t it?”</p> - -<p>“Yes,” said Ellen, “that was how it was. Your—your -mother liked the name too.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_148">[148]</span>Moira felt a wave of compassion for the lonely -old woman. There seemed to be nothing left to -do but to go. She rose as if to do so, and then -that impulse of sympathy caused her to sit down -beside the other on the bed. She spoke very -gently.</p> - -<p>“Ellen, I’m sorry, I’ve been opening an old -wound, haven’t I? I can see that it hurts you. -You understand why I am so interested—because -of the name? That’s natural, isn’t it? But I’m -glad to have learned about it. I shall think of you -so differently from now on.”</p> - -<p>“Yes, Miss Moira, thank you.” The girl’s -closeness to her and sympathy made Ellen’s voice -tremble. She looked down at the letter which she -had been rolling and twisting in her fingers, and -following her glance, Moira realized that her own -curiosity was not appeased at all. The mystery -was as much a mystery as ever.</p> - -<p>“Why, you’re destroying your letter,” she said -with a laugh, and took it from her and straightened -it out. “You must have been fond of Miss -McCoy,” she added gently. “Was she your -friend?”</p> - -<p>“Yes.”</p> - -<p>“Was she sick, in the hospital?”</p> - -<p>“No, she—she was a nurse.”</p> - -<p>“Oh, of course. She speaks of being so busy -and of missing you. And you had your baby -there?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_149">[149]</span>“Yes.”</p> - -<p>“That old hospital is still there, Ellen. I’ve -driven by it a dozen times going to town. It -doesn’t look like a very cheerful place to have a -baby, but I guess it was nicer in those days.”</p> - -<p>“It was all right,” said Ellen. Moira impulsively -reached an arm about her waist.</p> - -<p>“Well, I’m going now. You don’t want to talk -any more about it, do you, dear? I’ll ask mother -to tell me the story. Can I—can I keep this letter, -just to show her? I’ll tell her the odd way I -came across it.”</p> - -<p>Ellen’s hand flew in terror to the crumpled letter.</p> - -<p>“No—no, please, Miss Moira. Give it to me,” -she begged.</p> - -<p>The violence of her action, its commanding tone, -brought a flush of anger to Moira’s face. She relinquished -the letter.</p> - -<p>“Oh,” she said, in a changed voice. “I suppose -I should apologize—that is, no doubt you are -angry that I read it.”</p> - -<p>“Yes, you shouldn’t have done that.”</p> - -<p>The servant spoke for the first time naturally, -sincerely and vigorously, and by contrast it made -all her previous answers seem to Moira like a -patch-work of unreality and embarrassed evasion. -Moreover, the accusing tone of the remark -added fuel to her resentment. She arose and -drew her dressing gown about her with a gesture<span class="pagenum" id="Page_150">[150]</span> -of dignity. This time she certainly must go. And -yet she was hurt and offended. Her only intent -had been one of genuine interest and sympathy, -and it had been badly received. As she stood in -the floor in this puzzled, dissatisfied state, she -caught sight of Ellen’s face appealing to her pathetically.</p> - -<p>“Please, Miss Moira,” the woman whispered -hoarsely, “don’t tell Mrs. Seymour, don’t tell her -about this letter, or that you were here, or anything.”</p> - -<p>The girl answered with an abrupt gesture of -impatience.</p> - -<p>“Ellen, I don’t understand. What is all this -secrecy, this mystery for? I found your letter, I -came to give it back to you and asked a simple -question—and you treat me as though I had done -something criminal. It’s foolish. I don’t see why -I shouldn’t ask mother.”</p> - -<p>A blank panic seemed to have seized Ellen. She -snatched the girl’s hand and went on in the same -hoarse voice:</p> - -<p>“I can’t explain, but only don’t, don’t say anything -to her. For her sake, for everybody’s sake, -please!”</p> - -<p>Moira experienced a momentary insane illumination. -It made her heart stop and then flutter -and then stop again. Twice in her life she had -felt herself near death—once in an accident with -her car, and once when her horse had thrown her.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_151">[151]</span> -She felt now the same sensation she had felt then. -The questions that came to her lips would have -seemed to her idiotic a moment before. Yet they -came irresistibly.</p> - -<p>“Ellen,” she cried, “what does all this mean? -Have I got anything to do with it?”</p> - -<p>“You? Oh, no, no,” cried Ellen. “No, you -mustn’t think that!”</p> - -<p>“Was that baby me?”</p> - -<p>“Oh, Miss Moira, how can you—how can you -dream—?”</p> - -<p>“Are you my mother, Ellen? Tell me the truth. -I’ll never leave here until I hear the truth. I’ll -search this room, every inch of it.”</p> - -<p>But she did not need her answer in words. Ellen’s -strength was gone. Her mouth gibbered and -her face ran tears. The girl sat down heavily, as -though she were facing a job that had to be got -over with. She never doubted the truth after that -first glimpse of it, never tried to find a loophole. -There were simply details to be heard, the future -to be considered. She must get the whole story -from Ellen, talk it over, make some decision. It -would be half the night before she was through -with it, and she hated it....</p> - -<p>The sun had, in fact, appeared when she -emerged from the little room, with a strange tale -in her possession, pieced together from the incoherent -reminiscences of Ellen. She had forgiven -Mrs. Seymour, forgiven her real mother, forgiven<span class="pagenum" id="Page_152">[152]</span> -all of them for the deception. It was only herself -that she could not forgive, herself, humiliated by -the degrading masquerade of twenty years.</p> - -<p>The knowledge that gave her most courage was -her illegitimacy—which was clear from Ellen’s -reticence. Better that a thousand times, better a -complete outcast, than a respectable nobody. She -would go, of course, go in secret, that day. She -could take the fewest possible things, put them in -her car when no one was looking, and drive to -town. What money she needed to get established -elsewhere she would have to take from her own -account at the bank, as a loan. Ellen had been -sworn to say nothing of the discovery.</p> - -<p>She stood at her window watching the first sun -gild the tops of the knolls, drive the low-lying -mists slowly before it. This great knee of a hill, -this Penthesilea’s knee, had been a mother’s knee -to her, more truly than any human one. There -were no relationships in Nature, and this, the -memory of her youth, could not be taken from -her.... But it would be long before she would -see the morning rise from that window again, and -she lingered over it; not sentimentally. Why -couldn’t she feel sad? Why was she so hard—why -had she been so cruel to Ellen? She could -hear her now pleading that she had given up -Moira for her good, pleading the advantages that -had come to them by the sacrifice. Empty advantages, -thought their possessor, immorally got and<span class="pagenum" id="Page_153">[153]</span> -useless to her now, just so many more things to -bid good-bye to. The only thing that counted was -Hal; if she was bitter it was because she feared -yielding to that. Fate had thrown her to Hal -and snatched her away in the moment of realization....</p> - -<p>She turned from the full day flooding the -window and went to her desk. She wanted to write -to him now, while she was strongest.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>Dear [she wrote]: I know what you -would say. You would say that it made no -difference, and it would not now. But some -day it would, it would grow upon us and -smother us. It would be ‘my past,’ and the -time would come when your pride might make -you hate me, for I would hate myself. I can -face this now. I don’t know whether I could -face it later. I must go away and do something -to absolve myself in my own eyes. And -you must not interfere—you cannot. It will -be years before I can see you again. I shall -never forget these short days, too precious to -describe. It is almost enough, that memory, -without anything more. Good-bye.</p> -</div> - -<p>She could write no more, explain no more, -though she wanted to. She suddenly reflected on -the injustice of having to carry all the responsibility -herself. She would have to repulse every<span class="pagenum" id="Page_154">[154]</span> -advance, however much she might long to accept -it.</p> - -<p>She laid down her pen—a gold one that matched -the other little tools on her writing table—with a -gesture that signified she was laying down everything -else in the room, the thousand things she -had used and loved, the horses, the trees, the long, -dear roads, the very air of Thornhill.</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_155">[155]</span> - -<h2 class="nobreak">XV</h2> -</div> - -<p><span class="smcap">The</span> only things she saw at first were as dreary -and tragic as herself. It began the moment she -left Thornhill, with her last vision of Ellen’s -agonizing, tear-stained face hiding at her window -on the circular drive. Then came the ride alone, -through hot rows of dusty, dull brick houses; the -terror-inspiring sight of lives straitened and stagnant -through poverty; the abysmal reek of the -neighbourhood, near a glue factory, where she left -her car in the garage, with instructions to return -it on the morrow, and engaged an express man to -take her trunk; the long file of weary, hopeful -people with little green bills in their hands at the -bank—worshippers in the modern temple; the immigrants -at Union Station, sprawling on the circular -benches about the pillars, hemmed in by -their squalid baggage and children; the herding -of exhausted, stupid families from the country -trains to the street-cars and from the street-cars -to the trains; the smoke-patined inferno of the -city sweating in the heat after the clean beauty of -her home....</p> - -<p>She had been unable to get away in time to buy -a berth in the fast train. In order to leave that -day, which was imperative, she was forced to take<span class="pagenum" id="Page_156">[156]</span> -the “two-day” train, and tried to console herself -with the thought that its second-rateness would -more effectually cover her flight. But the endless -trip in coaches that contained unprepossessing -persons from the lower social chaos added to the -weight that lay on her spirit.</p> - -<p>The first night on the train she slept early and -long, fatigued by a day full of tasks, but the second -she lay staring at the polished red back of the -berth above, her shade drawn up, her smarting -eyes conscious of the jabbing flashes of light as -they passed through sleeping towns, or straining -out over dark, shuddering mysteries of country; -planning, wondering, trying to anticipate -what life would be like one year, two years, five -years from to-night. Where should she be; whom -should she know? Should she be alive? Yes, she -promised herself, she would be that. The one -thing she could not admit was that life might end -before she had fought it out.</p> - -<p>Once she asked herself what Mathilda was doing, -for by this time her flight was an old story, -the worst of the scene between Ellen and Mathilda -was over. But they would be dreadfully unhappy -nevertheless, and the pity she could spare to them -softened her own sense of wrong. She flashed on -the electric light in the berth and looked at her -watch. In six hours, had it not been for Victor -Hugo, for a little scrawled note written a fifth of -a century ago, she would have been meeting Hal<span class="pagenum" id="Page_157">[157]</span> -Blaydon at the Blythedale platform. And who -could say—if she had married Hal and learned the -truth afterward—would it have made any difference -after all?</p> - -<p>It was morning when they got beyond Pittsburgh -and, sleepless and discouraged, the grey -day greeted her dismally. All she was able to see -beyond the window were little grimy houses belonging -to coal miners—they painted them a deep -red or black in those parts, she supposed because -all life was accursed. For long distances nothing -caught her eye but these colours of Hell borrowed -for earthly use. On a high slope, dingy -with slag and coal screenings and dust, there was -a black, sorry-looking house, where two children -were swinging across the cheap frame porch far -above the train. They were singing, and it struck -her as the oddest thing she had ever witnessed. -There were many houses like it on that coal bank. -Where there wasn’t coal there was yellow mud. -Where there were not either there were piles of -rusty iron. She might come to this herself, to -ugliness and hunger. She shuddered and darkened -the berth, hiding her face from the vision as -though it would sear her beauty and put an end to -her youth. Hardly a moment later, it seemed, the -porter awakened her from a deep sleep. They -were in the Pennsylvania station.</p> - -<p>Moira’s mood changed the moment she stood in -the rotunda. The powerful magic of the city<span class="pagenum" id="Page_158">[158]</span> -stirred her. Had it been raining as only it can -rain in New York, had the streets been ice-bound -or blistering in mid-summer heat, she would have -felt that great surge unabated.</p> - -<p>But to-day the city was in one of its magnificent -sunny moods, laughing at its own comic and gracile -charms, whimsical with unreliable winds, one -of those startling, extravagant days when a walk -in any street has the effect of champagne. On a -sudden impulse she ordered the cab to the Ritz. -She would enjoy one day, one supreme spell of indifference -and the sense of power, one hour at -court when the regal town must treat her with its -finest smiles and courtesies. She wrote boldly on -the register “Mary Smith,” and the simple dignity -of the name made it distinguished in that -long list of high-sounding titles.</p> - -<p>She breakfasted in state in her bedroom, looking -over Park Avenue toward the great railroad -terminus, the innumerable roofs, which stretched -like irregular stepping stones to the river, the -gracious bridge uptown. She drove in a barouche -to the Metropolitan Museum and then down the -Avenue, scenting its fine airs, and lingering on its -elegant details in the slow-moving vehicle; the -gay pile of the Plaza, like a monument erected to -an Empress’ holiday; the pearly home of the -Vander-somethings, with its birdlike little statue -of the architect in a Rembrandt cap, perched -among the décor of its roof; the quaintly painted<span class="pagenum" id="Page_159">[159]</span> -florist’s building in the forties; broad, gleaming -windows wherein the comfort of grizzled millionaires -was framed for the public’s delectation; the -sleek cathedrals, English and Roman, agreeably -sunning themselves—almost tête-à-tête, with an -air of after-dinner ease; the occasional brown, old-fashioned -banks, which one took at first glance to -be dwellings; the Library, squat with sedentary -scholarship and stained by too much knowledge -of good and evil; the mosque-like corner of the -Waldorf; and far down where the Avenue narrowed, -pleasant-memoried houses of the older -time, and a freshly be-painted little French hotel, -bright and impudent as a hat box from the Rue -de La Paix.</p> - -<p>This last looked so suitable to her state of high -spirits that she called to the driver to stop there. -Strangely enough she had never been in the Brevoort. -She slipped down into the basement café -and was soon looking at the multiplied images of -people in the mirrors that panelled the walls; -among them stocky, dapper bachelors, arty, -bearded men, a tall tan young fellow in a Norfolk, -seemingly much fascinated with his companion, a -much older woman with a weathered elegant face. -She liked these. This, she supposed, had something -to do with Greenwich Village, though except -through picture and story, she knew nothing of -it. But as she poured her tea for herself, she felt -suddenly it was not the place to be alone. How<span class="pagenum" id="Page_160">[160]</span> -easy it would be to go upstairs now, to send a -telegram to Hal. The unholy notion made her -finish her luncheon and leave.</p> - -<p>She went back by bus and walked about through -half a dozen shops, then to a round of galleries, -and finally, tired out, to the hotel. The thrill was -over as she watched the day die on the house-tops -of the East Side, and she almost wished she did -not have to spend the night there. She wanted to -be at work, after all, the sooner the better; nothing -else could save her from boredom and despair. -To-morrow she would launch herself on the unknown -stream.</p> - -<p>She bought a ticket to a Russian variety show, -which was just then having a vogue on Broadway, -and found forgetfulness between its exotic charm -and the night-view from the theatre roof, of the -yellow-dappled park, its motors skimming and -swerving upon curved ribbons of road. As she -turned for a last look at it, standing apart from -the crowd filing out, her solitary figure attracted -the glances of a score of prosperous-looking men. -But she did not see them. She thought:</p> - -<p>“This is so vast, what can it matter who -one is? The Moira of yesterday is just as small -compared to it, as this one here. Why should -I care?”</p> - -<p>She laughed at this bit of philosophy. It was -not particularly comforting, but it helped her to -believe that she had given up the past.... In<span class="pagenum" id="Page_161">[161]</span> -her dreams the visions of the day mingled kaleidoscopically.</p> - -<p>Moira knew nothing about New York in a practical -way. Her path had always been the narrow -round tripped by the fashionable visitor. Therefore, -as she sat at breakfast with the “classified” -columns of the <i>Times</i> before her she had no idea -where she wanted to live. It happened that the -first addresses that she jotted down in her notebook -were far downtown and to these she went -looking for the cheapest single room she could -find.</p> - -<p>The sights that met her eye filled her with half-humorous, -half-tragic emotions. The landladies -who greeted her were in the main revolting; she -was taken into rooms that smelled, rooms that had -cheap iron beds with battered brass knobs, that -had carpets with holes in them and frayed lace -curtains, grey with dirt, and hideous oak furnishings -and coloured calendars on the walls. Three-fourths -of them were not cleaned oftener than -once a month, she was certain, and she determined -to have cleanliness though every other comfort -failed.</p> - -<p>She found it at last. On the west side of the -Village she was attracted by a neat card bearing -the words “furnished rooms” on the door of a -brick house that looked many degrees better kept -than its neighbours. A shy grey-haired woman -admitted her. There were several rooms, all spotless,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_162">[162]</span> -and she selected one reasonably priced, with -white painted woodwork and plain furniture that -she thought she might manage to live with. When -she asked for the telephone to send for her luggage -from the hotel, she was shown into the daughter’s -room. In one corner of this pure haven was a -small, square stand covered with chintz and -draped with flowered cretonne. Upon it stood a -discarded perfume bottle filled with holy water, a -prayer-book and catechism, and a tall white statuette -of the Virgin and child, with the monogram -M. A. on the rococo base. On the wall above the -stand was a black crucifix with the Christ in gilt. -Behind the Christ was thrust a little palm cross. -Still higher than the crucifix hung a photo-engraving -of the Madonna and child from some Italian -master, in a gilded frame. The homely simplicity -of the scene brought tears to the girl’s eyes....</p> - -<p>But she felt a little less benevolent the next day -when she asked Mrs. McCabe why there were no -mirrors in the bathroom. That lady gazed at her -with the sad severity of the timid and replied:</p> - -<p>“I don’t know. There just ain’t, and there -won’t be.”</p> - -<p>In this atmosphere of staggering piety began -the career of “Mary Smith.”</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_163">[163]</span> - -<h2 class="nobreak">XVI</h2> -</div> - -<p><span class="smcap">By</span> the end of two years Moira had repaid the -last of the five hundred with which she had possessed -herself on leaving Thornhill; and accumulated -a surplus of her own. From the day she -quitted the Munson School of Stenography and -Typewriting she had never experienced difficulty -in securing a job and in making an excellent impression. -The two changes which she had made -were of her own volition. For more than six -months now she had been secretary to the executive -vice-president of a soap company and had become -something of an executive herself, on a salary -that still had a good margin in which to grow.</p> - -<p>This man was typical of the average young organizing -and selling marvel of the day, but he had -a quality of intelligence in matters outside of -business—limited, yet enough to be refreshing -after the others she had encountered. Moira did -not feel, as she had in other places, that she must -suppress all the evidences of her breeding and -education. This she had actually attempted to -do hitherto; diplomatically ignoring awkward and -ungrammatical English, adopting as much slang -as she could retain without practice on the outside, -and generally pretending to be quite as much<span class="pagenum" id="Page_164">[164]</span> -the low brow as most of the other girls whose -chatter bewildered her in the washroom.</p> - -<p>With Barcroft, for the first time, she could permit -herself to be natural, and this sense of ease -increased her value enormously in “meeting the -trade” and handling difficult people in his absence. -She checked him up on his errors of dictation -without shame, but she had the rare good -sense to know just when he was wiser in being -wrong. She grew to respect, rather than disdain, -the qualities that made men successful in business. -They were qualities that did not interest her essentially, -yet Barcroft’s mind had mysterious -powers of insight that often called for silent applause.</p> - -<p>Their relations developed into friendliness, and -she felt his honest admiration without the fear -that it would lead to complications. She had -never yet herself encountered the boss-turned-lover—and -the case was reputed to be so common -that she felt far from flattered. She tried to account -for it on the score of her natural dignity, -her quiet mode of dressing, her application to -work, and her reticence; but these did not explain. -She was not conspicuously dignified—when it -seemed to her good to laugh she did so. Nor did -she dress unattractively, much as she respected -her budget. And her efficiency was not nearly so -obtrusive as some brands of it she had observed. -Moreover these qualities, she believed, in a young<span class="pagenum" id="Page_165">[165]</span> -and good-looking woman, would only make her -more pleasing to men. She mocked at the whole -business; it was another of those favourite American -panics, like the white slave traffic, the German -spy-hunt, and the innumerable other horrors that -supported the newspapers and bred the violence -of mobs.</p> - -<p>She congratulated herself, nevertheless, that in -spite of Barcroft’s understanding and deference, -nothing of that sort was remotely likely to happen. -She had found a good post, agreeably -within her powers and therefore easy, and she -would be able to keep it indefinitely, with the -hope of a steadily mounting salary. Then one -evening they fell into a conversation after office -hours. It ranged everywhere from the staging of -Arthur Hopkins to the value of rotogravure as an -advertising medium, from the proper length of -skirts to the latest novel, and Barcroft broke into -the discussion suddenly by making love to her. -He too was a victim, as it appeared, of the quarrelsome -and haphazard home.</p> - -<p>She had often asked herself, with some bitterness, -what advantage her early life gave her in -such a career as she now had to follow. She found -it in this instance the most useful equipment she -could have. Another girl would have thrown up -the job. She managed adroitly to save it. She -was not at all shocked by Barcroft’s love-making. -She felt sorry for him; she talked to him sympathetically<span class="pagenum" id="Page_166">[166]</span> -about his troubles, and in the end they -were better friends than ever. Moreover, he was -not long afterward grateful to her ... the wife -had come out victor over her lord ... the yoke -was again pleasing to his neck.</p> - -<p>Her life outside of the office was so devoid of -romance that this brush with it at the soap company -was not unpleasant. She had occupied more -than one furnished room since the start at Mrs. -McCabe’s, and in her wanderings she had come -necessarily in contact with the Village life, but -she did not adopt its easy associations. She discovered -very early that the Village was the gossip -shop of the country. National—and international—news -travelled fast there from tongue to tongue, -concerning people even slightly known or connected -with the known. You could not say when -you would walk into one of its restaurants and -find at the next table a prominent matron of your -city. A half a dozen times she had dodged or -stared down old acquaintances on the upper Avenue.</p> - -<p>There were girls she met from day to day, willing -to become her friends—attractive girls who -were doing interesting things. A few good -cronies of this sort would have lightened her solitary -evenings and perhaps helped her to find -work more congenial than business. But friendships, -to be worth while, had to be frank. She -knew she would be tempted defiantly to tell all<span class="pagenum" id="Page_167">[167]</span> -about herself, and she shrank from doing so. Native -resourcefulness made it easy to draw the line -of separation, but pride made it hard. She realized -that her aloofness was causing criticism. In -the two restaurants where she took most of her -evening meals—because they were cheap and -clean—the talk was not sympathetic. If one was -free to have lovers <i>ad lib.</i> in the Village one was -obviously not free to dispense with friends entirely. -She seemed a snob.</p> - -<p>There were times when she gave herself up to -storms of grief. It grew to be an act of self-preservation, -a part of her philosophy of endurance. -Long spells of weeping, or of a weary, -helpless state of the spirit that was more thoroughly -a surrender and resignation than tears. -Again and again she would cry through the darkness -for Hal with the plaintive voice of a sick -child—and even for the kind ghost of Mathilda -Seymour. If she felt ashamed of these indulgences, -she argued that there could be no harm in -them. Her old friends could not hear her. She -was alone in all those little rooms, completely cut -off from anything familiar, from all but the fluttering, -unreal, poignant memories of her beautiful -childhood. Waves of passionate self-pity -swept over her; she rebelled aloud against the bitter -meanness of her betrayal; the awful burden of -carrying her secret alone.</p> - -<p>In the end it was wise that she did not deny<span class="pagenum" id="Page_168">[168]</span> -these moods when they came to her and did not -try to control them. From them she rose calm -and clear-headed, charged with newly stored -courage. They were spiritual baths, which cleaned -her, a sort of self-asserting prayer. When they -had gone not a vestige of rebellion was left in -her; she felt grown in stature, ready to carry her -fate like a flag. For a day or two afterward she -would be sentimental and overfull of feeling. She -would go out of her way to help beggars and walk -a block to give dimes to the hurdy-gurdy man; -and comfort the little girls in the filing room if -they weren’t feeling well, or had just been called -down by the head clerk.</p> - -<p>One thing that these rituals of solitary suffering -gave her was the buoyant, happy consciousness -of artistic power, and she longed to return to -painting. Until now it had seemed impossible. -She could not command the space, the office robbed -her of daylight, materials were too costly. Now -she began to dream of creating a studio—the opportunity -to work might be managed somehow, -once she had acquired the facilities. She saved -more sedulously, giving up a part of her pleasures, -an occasional new book and a theatre now -and then, furbishing clothes for herself despite -her hatred of the needle.</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_169">[169]</span> - -<h2 class="nobreak">XVII</h2> -</div> - -<p><span class="smcap">The</span> floors were done and dry. Elsie Jennings, -who had come in to help, was putting the third -coat of black upon the new book-shelves, and -Moira was waiting for the delivery of her three -last pieces of furniture, which completed the picture, -for a time at least. Whether they came as -they had been promised or not, the house-warming -party was to be held that evening, with Elsie, -Jade Sommers, and Arthur, her husband.</p> - -<p>Arthur Sommers she had met as a printing -salesman, visiting her office, and later had run -across with Jade in a restaurant. He was a good -sort, in his early thirties, jovial and proud of his -plain citizenship, inclined to stoutness and much -in love with his wife, the story writer. Elsie ran -a shop in which she sold hand-made novelties and -small house furnishings, that caught the sightseers -from the States and uptown with their -faintly futurist air. It was a Saturday in the -Spring, and had the party been postponed two -days it might have celebrated Moira’s birthday. -But she did not divulge that fact.</p> - -<p>“There,” said Elsie, “it’s done. And I think -three coats will be enough.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_170">[170]</span>“Not so bad,” replied Moira. She stood making -an inspection of her nearly finished home. -The apartment itself was a discovery—quite a -bargain—one huge room with tall windows, and -a tiny bedroom and bath and kitchen closet, in an -old five-story house, occupied by a small army of -nondescript tenants.</p> - -<p>“How good you look to me, old barn!” was her -fervent thought, which Elsie, watching her, divined. -“If those chairs don’t come pretty soon,” -she went on aloud, “they won’t come at all, and -somebody will have to sit on the floor. I’m going -out to shop for food.”</p> - -<p>“Yes, go ahead,” said Elsie. “This box of -china has got to be unpacked and washed. I’ll do -that in the meantime.”</p> - -<p>Moira had been in and out of the building on -many occasions during the past week, but her -curiosity had been slight regarding her neighbours. -She couldn’t afford to be particular about -them, so it seemed to her pointless to be curious. -As she went downstairs, however, on the way to -the grocery, a name on the door to a small room -caught her attention.</p> - -<p>“Miles Harlindew!” she said, and found her -memory flying to years before at Thornhill, and -her lips repeating some lines about:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="first">“All shining parallels of track,</div> -<div class="indent">All brown roads leading up.”</div> -</div></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_171">[171]</span>She had begun to see the man’s verses in the -literary magazines when she couldn’t have been -more than sixteen or seventeen, and many of -them had sung themselves into her memory. One -or two had given her an experience of discovery. -But for the last few years she had found no more -of his work. She had imagined him for some -reason, as people are likely to think of anybody at -all who gets things published, as successful, comfortable, -arrived.</p> - -<p>“He must be getting along in years,” she -thought. “Poor fellow!” For she knew that -room corresponded to her bedroom above, a mere -cubby-hole, so small that she had to sit on her -bed to look in the dressing table mirror.</p> - -<p>It was her first party in years, and she did not -need the cocktails—which Arthur Sommers had -brought in a silver flask—to give her a thrill. She -fell in love with her guests and charmed them -into something like wonder. So this was the unapproachable -Mary Smith!</p> - -<p>“Oh, I’ve got distinguished literary neighbours,” -she announced. “Miles Harlindew is on -the floor below.”</p> - -<p>A ripple of amusement greeted her remark.</p> - -<p>“But I remember some stunning poems of his,” -she went on.</p> - -<p>“Oh, yes,” put in Jade, “but nobody knows -he’s alive these days. He doesn’t even know it -himself.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_172">[172]</span>“Come off,” said her husband. “I see him often, -very much alive. Any man who does his -duty violating the Eighteenth Amendment as regularly -as Miles, has my vote. What do you say if -I get him.”</p> - -<p>“If he’s sober,” put in Jade.</p> - -<p>Sommers glanced at Moira for consent, and she -gave it with a brisk nod. These people knew more -about the man than she and no doubt were justified -in what they said; nevertheless she felt a -vague resentment. What would they say if they -knew all there was to be known about herself? -Experience had already taught her that beneath -the literal and semi-bohemian veneer of her -friends there was a stern core of respectability.</p> - -<p>Harlindew came and was sober. He was painfully -and tiresomely sober, and she heartily -wished they had saved some of Arthur’s cocktails. -He sat down stiffly and ventured commonplaces -when spoken to. She found him a satisfactory -physical specimen, showing more years -than she expected, in premature lines. He was -neither tall nor short, of the type that never acquires -flesh, somewhat shaggy behind the ears, -with a lop-sided face. One jaw was stronger than -the other, one eye keener than the other, one brow -more pleasing in conformation than the other—and -these inequalities were not all on the same -side of his face.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_173">[173]</span>When she recited his verses, he was not pleased. -He depreciated them vigorously and was very -uncomfortable. He called them the errors of his -youth. The one thing that he took extraordinary -interest in was a talk with Sommers about business. -She then watched his gestures and animation -with pleasure. They made a change in the -man’s whole appearance.</p> - -<p>“I’m thinking seriously of going into business,” -he announced in a grave voice, and seemed a little -disappointed that this statement was not received -with greater acclaim. The evening ended, dampened, -on the whole, by his presence.</p> - -<p>“How fiercely shy he is about his work,” said -Moira to the others, as they stood at the door -ready to go.</p> - -<p>“Big night last night,” said Arthur, in a stage -whisper. “Feeling rocky.”</p> - -<p>“I hope you don’t meet him somewhere at three -in the morning,” added Elsie. “He’ll reel it off -to you then until you’ll be sorry.”</p> - -<p>Yet she thought more about what she saw of -Harlindew, during his short stay in her rooms, -than of anything else that had happened that -night. He was the only young man she had met -in New York whom she wanted to talk to. It was, -possibly, a childish delusion, a fancy arising out -of the fact that both of them were miserable about -something, obviously about something it was impossible -to discuss.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_174">[174]</span>A few days later she met him on the stairs, -and he blushed and stammered:</p> - -<p>“I believe you are the only person alive who -still cares anything for my poetry.”</p> - -<p>He was gone too quickly for her to answer. She -did not see him again for a week, and when she -did she invited him to tea. In an hour he was as -much at his ease as though he had known her forever, -and stayed so long he expressed the fear of -having bored her. Soon after that she was seeing -him two or three times a week.</p> - -<p>He came because she listened to his monologues. -Moira found that this was the man’s characteristic. -Shy to the point of morbidness in company, -she no sooner began to encourage him alone than -he talked without end. His ideas were neither -very well thought out nor very clearly expressed, -but they stimulated her. He poured forth the -most curious tag-ends of experience, made extraordinary -confessions with few traces of shame, -chattered cynically, humorously, passionately and -autocratically by turns about writing and all the -arts, and then stopped suddenly in the midst of -things, frightened to silence by the realization of -her presence and the boldness of his own tongue. -Only one thing could have enabled him to indulge -this luxury and keep coming—a knowledge of her -interest, and she gave it honestly. She saw that -the inner life of this young man and her own had -been similar. He soon passed from Miss Smith<span class="pagenum" id="Page_175">[175]</span> -to Mary, and from Mary to Madonna, and finding -that the last was to his taste, he held to it. Before -long he was giving full rein to a natural streak -of fantastic high spirits and messing about her -place like a privileged person.</p> - -<p>She was, for some reason, wholly delighted by -all this. The crushed spirit he had shown at their -first meeting had seemed tragically inappropriate -and she was glad to be drawing anybody out who -needed it. The man, set beside most of the people -she had known, was a freak, certainly, but he was -not an impossible freak. And he differed from -such people as Selden Van Nostrand in depth, -breadth and sensitive contact with life. With a -perfectly conventional background, he had simply, -she thought, allowed his spiritual life to express -itself in his physical life from an early age. His -courtesy was innate and usually unfailing, on -some occasions oppressive—but it was a quality -she would not have liked to find lacking. His flattery -she had to accept as simply as she could; he -exhausted his vocabulary in finding terms for her -beauty. It seemed an ever-renewed miracle to -him, which he had to talk about to enjoy.</p> - -<p>“Madonna,” he said one day, “you should be -some queen like Margaret of Navarre. I should -like to be one of the story tellers of your court. It -is a commentary on our beastly times that such a -one as you is a stenographer.”</p> - -<p>“If I had the courage—as you have—I wouldn’t<span class="pagenum" id="Page_176">[176]</span> -be,” she laughed, “but it scares me to think of -going my own way.”</p> - -<p>“Ah, that is one thing I came to ask you about. -I must have told you that I intend going into -business.”</p> - -<p>“But why?” she asked, “why should you, after -all?”</p> - -<p>“Well, when we are young we expect all things -to come to us. We don’t want them just to-day, -but to-morrow?—we’ll whistle and down they will -come from the sky. That’s what we think. In my -case, however, they haven’t come. Ergo, I have -lived disgracefully. Now I must begin to die -gracefully by turning to work. Yet isn’t it possible -to look upon the grotesque preoccupation of -the American male as a trade, a form of artisan-ship, -a deed of the left hand? I know a man who -sells advertising, and who has more confidence -in me than I should dare to have in myself. He -is decent enough to think that I can supply what -he wants. Why not try it?”</p> - -<p>“Aren’t you writing anything nowadays, -Miles?”</p> - -<p>“Nothing,” he said, with a shrug. “Book reviews! -What are book reviews? Every time I -have to go to see an editor and ask for a book, it -makes me feel as though selling hairpins from -house to house is more respectable. Besides, the -literary world has forgotten me. I only fill up -space.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_177">[177]</span>“Nonsense,” said she vehemently. “And you’re -wrong about business. Business is pretty awful. -I suppose you’ll have to find that out for yourself.”</p> - -<p>“There <i>are</i> more delightful occupations, true. -I have always had an ambition to be a cab-driver. -It is the sole profession in which one becomes a -licensed eavesdropper. Excellent for the literary -man. You know people mind the cabby no more -than if he were the horse. I mean a horse-cab, of -course ... only in such leisurely vehicles do people -expose their souls, their most intimate secrets. -But I haven’t the cabby’s training. From things -you have said, I fancied you knew horses.”</p> - -<p>“A little. When I was a young girl I had some -playmates who owned them.”</p> - -<p>“Noble beasts. I’m sure they would break the -neck of any poor fool who had condescended to -Pegasus.”</p> - -<p>“The trouble with you, Miles, is that you don’t -condescend often enough, nor persistently enough. -You ought to be writing poems at this moment. -You should have been doing it these last five -years.”</p> - -<p>“The impulse to creation begins with a peculiar -tickling of the tummy that I haven’t felt for ages.”</p> - -<p>Her eagerness to start him writing usually -came to nothing in some such joke. At other times -he would grow more serious.</p> - -<p>“No, Madonna, I cannot. The blossom of life<span class="pagenum" id="Page_178">[178]</span> -is gone—only the bare stalk is left. It may flower -again, but it must be watered and fed. My affair -with poetry has ended like so many marriages—in -disillusion. That is rough, when one realizes -that poetry demands the hardest labour for the -smallest return of any occupation on earth. It -takes all one’s youth, at the expense of practical -things—and one is left with a handful of frail results -that are hardly more substantial than -memories. But the greater the early love, the -more complete must be the separation, and one -must recognize it when it comes. One must renounce; -in that lies the only hope of renewal. -People are mistaken about life being a steady -progress from youth to age, anyway. It’s a constant -shuttling from age to youth and back again. -We all grow senile about every seven years, and -then young again. I am in a senile period. Why -should I do poetry the dishonour of pursuing her -in such a state? Bah, it is better to do anything -else. You mustn’t be impatient with me. I do -not flower very often—but neither does the century -plant. And it is counted among the world’s -wonders.”</p> - -<p>“Well,” she said consolingly, “perhaps you are -right. Better a little that is good than a lot that -is indifferent. All I know is that there are reputations -built on no more talent than yours.”</p> - -<p>“If I could believe that,” he said thoughtfully, -“I should not surrender. But I can’t believe it.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_179">[179]</span> -I shall have to squeeze business for a time, as one -squeezes an orange—for the golden juice. I shall -hoard it, as if every ounce meant a golden hour. -Then we shall see. My God! Madonna,” he burst -forth. “Fifty dollars a week—there in my hand, -<i>every week</i>. Think of it. All my life fifty dollars -has seemed like the other side of the moon.”</p> - -<p>The next day he began the work of which he -had talked so much. She had known him a month. -Now for some time, she was to see little of him. -He left early and returned late, and with the long -summer evenings at hand, she began to paint.</p> - -<p>It was very hard to drive herself to work. Her -hands were stiff; her senses were clumsy, and her -first efforts resulted in little more than a waste of -valuable materials. She needed everything—models, -encouragement, criticism. These even -Elsie or Miles could have furnished after a fashion, -but she dared not ask them—she was not -ready for that. She contented herself with trials -at still life, with experiments, with attempts at -self-portraiture.</p> - -<p>Then slowly the love of simply applying the -brush, the fever of trying and trying again for -the effects she wanted, the joy of feeling momentary -hints of power, and of succeeding now and -then with some little thing, quickened her interest, -until the time came when she found herself standing -up to her canvas until it had grown almost -dark.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_180">[180]</span>She went with Elsie one night to the theatre and -when they returned to Elsie’s rooms, Moira confessed -that she had begun to work. They talked -until three in the morning. She came away elated, -and still sleepless, not the least bit tired. The -mere divulging of her modest ambitions had -started her blood bounding, and she swung buoyantly -down the street.</p> - -<p>A block or two from her house she heard voices, -and against the glow of a lamp she saw the figure -of a policeman leaning over a man who lay on the -pavement luxuriously supporting his head from -the flagging with folded arms.</p> - -<p>“Come on, now, get up,” said the officer. “I’ve -fooled long enough. If you don’t get up I’ll take -you where you’ll have a long rest.”</p> - -<p>The voice that replied was unmistakably Miles -Harlindew’s. “Preposterous,” he said, running -his consonants together. “I am lying on m’own -prop’ty. It was legally d’vised to me by God the -Father. Six feet by three of solid earth. That’s -my allotment. You’ve spoiled it by putting concrete -on it, but I’ll be a good fellow. Won’t complain. -It’s all right. Just go away.”</p> - -<p>“Get up, I tell ya.”</p> - -<p>“What! Can’t a man lie on his own pat-patrimony, -you blamed ass? It’s goin’ to be mine f’r -eternity, and I choose to use it now!”</p> - -<p>“We’ll see who’s a blamed ass, young feller. -Come on!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_181">[181]</span>Moira interrupted as the patrolman was about -to grasp Harlindew’s shoulder.</p> - -<p>“Officer,” she said hurriedly, “I know this man. -He lives in the same house I am in. I think I can -get him to go with me, if you won’t take him.”</p> - -<p>“Sure. That’s all right. I don’t want him if -he’ll get out of here. I’ve had this bird before, -and it might go hard with him.”</p> - -<p>“Thank you,” she said fervently. Miles was -on his feet in a second, a little unsteady but -effusively polite, repeating the words “divine Madonna” -in a voice that must have carried to many -windows.</p> - -<p>“Officer,” he said, “meet Madonna—no, meet -Ariadne. Ariadne, the night is a labyrinth—you -bring me a thread.”</p> - -<p>At his door he insisted upon going up with her—“just -for a second”—and she could not refuse -him. He sat on the couch, pursuing a strange, -disjointed tale of the day’s adventures. He told -twice about a steel-worker he had met in a bootlegger’s -house, who once had worked on the Woolworth, -forty stories up. “Said he never went up -on the steel in the morning without three whiskies—if -he had he’d a fallen off,” said Miles. “That’s -good—if he had he’d a fallen off.” The idea -seemed to fill him with extraordinary delight. -But other things were on his mind also. Some -one he called “the damn buzzard at the office” -came in for a large share of abuse.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_182">[182]</span>“If you want to see the damned buzzard to-morrow, -you’d better go downstairs and sleep,” -she suggested. “You won’t feel much like work.”</p> - -<p>“Work? Never mind work.... Valuable -man.... Know my own value.... Not at all -sleepy, anyway....” A moment later while she -was out of the room he stretched full length on -the couch and fell asleep.</p> - -<p>She did not have the heart to wake him in the -morning. If her own racket, as she flew about -preparing to leave, had no effect upon his deep -unconsciousness, it would probably take too much -effort anyway. At noon, however, she found him -just beginning to stir about, making coffee in her -little kitchen, for which he apologized, but with -no sheepishness. He seemed, on the contrary, to -find excessive enjoyment in having awakened in -a strange place, invaded by a lovely hostess. She -took the rôle of cook out of his hands.</p> - -<p>“Well,” he said when they were seated, “I suppose -I am in a pickle. Must say something to -Jones. Wonder what it’ll be. All’s fair, I imagine, -in war and business. Any old alibi goes.”</p> - -<p>“But you’re a valuable man, Miles, you know,” -she mocked, “as you said several times last -night.”</p> - -<p>His smile was a trifle wan. It was too soon by -all means to bid good-bye to the other side of the -moon—that regular fifty a week.</p> - -<p>“You know, I’ve never had to be anywhere I<span class="pagenum" id="Page_183">[183]</span> -didn’t want to be, in ... in God knows when,” he -declared. “Not easy to get the habit. But I’m -doing well down there. Honest, I’m sort of proud -about it.”</p> - -<p>Moira thought that he seemed to be worrying -very little about his remissness, not even very -actively at work on the problem of finding an excuse. -And it was late, even for that. She almost -hated to undeceive him, it concerned him so -slightly. Finally she said:</p> - -<p>“I telephoned your Jones. I told him you were -too ill to come down. Was that right?”</p> - -<p>But obviously this service was in his eyes incalculably -great. The look he gave her made her -want to laugh. She had not thought it possible -for a man to be so pathetically helpless, so -profoundly grateful for an act of friendly foresight.</p> - -<p>“How did it happen, Miles?”</p> - -<p>“Oh, I think the monotony got on my nerves. -Then yesterday everything went wrong; and I -thought five o’clock would never come. Eight -hours! By Jove, it sometimes seems like eight -years.”</p> - -<p>“Yes, it does,” she replied, remembering her -first months of it.</p> - -<p>“Do you get used to it?” he asked anxiously.</p> - -<p>“Oh, yes, it comes to be a good deal like breathing.”</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_184">[184]</span> - -<h2 class="nobreak">XVIII</h2> -</div> - -<p><span class="smcap">They</span> started out without objective, left the -train at a little station far down the southern part -of Long Island and walked miles through a flat -country of stunted woods and sandy, almost deserted -roads.</p> - -<p>It was toward the end of a coppery afternoon, -the hazy air aflame with the sun taking on the -colour of the burnished trees. To Moira, it -had been an unreal day too, for her thoughts were -running upon revolutionary impulses, plans that -would have seemed impossibly romantic a few -months before. Was it only because of this suddenly -important comradeship with Miles Harlindew -that she had quite painfully realized a sense -of loss? She needed much more than life was -giving her, much more than her mere comfort -and independence, even than her painting. Their -half year together had been full of a strangely -wide sympathy. But it had also been casual, without -purpose and without end. The first tang and -odour of Autumn cold always brought a stirring -of unreasonable energy in her, a sense of dissatisfaction -... a prophecy of change. But now it was -like nothing she had ever known before, a stifling -in the midst of limitless air to breathe.</p> - -<p>“Seasons must be responsible for a great deal<span class="pagenum" id="Page_185">[185]</span> -in life,” she said. “I wonder if anything would -get itself done at all, if it were not for them, for -the urging they give us to act.”</p> - -<p>“I have thought that too,” replied Miles. “You -could almost live, simply by letting the time of the -year do what it will with you. I shouldn’t be -shocked if some one told me I had lived that way -myself, most of my life.”</p> - -<p>He drew out a pipe, filled and lighted it, and -the fragrant smell was pleasing to her nostrils. -She liked his agreeable, easy ways. He needed -little to be happy, his thoughts, his books, tobacco, -clothes that seemed to have grown older -with him. Since that diffused night he had spent -in her rooms in June, his life had run along in a -quiet groove, free from excitement or discontent—a -period during which, as he told her, weeks -seemed so much longer because they were filled -with so many more and varied impressions, and -these impressions were caught and relished and -fixed as they passed. Excitement and sprees were -monotonous, not varied, and one lost almost all of -one’s impressions.... She had shared this slow -magic with him, and she understood what he -meant. Suddenly she found herself asking him to -marry her.</p> - -<p>“But, child,” he said, with amusement in his -face and voice, “you couldn’t do that.”</p> - -<p>“I’m not a child,” she replied, with unmistakable -seriousness, “and I could. I love you.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_186">[186]</span>He stopped walking and faced her, holding his -pipe halfway to his mouth and looking at her in -blank amazement.</p> - -<p>“My dear Mary!” he exclaimed.</p> - -<p>“My name isn’t Mary,” she broke in. “It’s -Moira. Do you like it?”</p> - -<p>“Moira? Why haven’t you told me that?”</p> - -<p>“There’s even more to tell, Miles.”</p> - -<p>“But what do you mean?”</p> - -<p>“I suppose you won’t answer my question, until -you hear the rest?”</p> - -<p>“I shall be glad to hear anything you want to -tell,” he replied slowly. “But first, my dear girl, -do you know you are the stars in the sky? Do -you know you are a prize for sultans, for emperors, -for decent people, for people infinitely better -than I am? I’m a stopping place in your -passage. Not that.... I’m as worthless as a -man can very well be. I think, in short, something -has made you a little mad.”</p> - -<p>“You’re <i>not</i> worthless,” she replied vehemently. -“I’m tired of hearing you say you are.... -If all this means you don’t love me and don’t -want me, there’s nothing more to be said. If it -means that you think you are not good enough -for me, that’s foolish. And in that case—there <i>is</i>—more -to be said.”</p> - -<p>She trembled a little. Both were under the -stress of a new and powerful feeling.... She -wanted more than anything else in the world to<span class="pagenum" id="Page_187">[187]</span> -take hold of him, to shake him, to keep on shaking -him, because he had not been equal to asking of -her what she had just now asked of him. She -wanted to love him as nobody had ever loved him; -to love him until he respected himself. It needed -no more than a spur, something to make him so -proud that he could scarcely believe in his happiness. -She could do that for him, she was equal to -it, because she did love him and she was beautiful -and desirable. She thought of herself, in that instant, -as Moira Seymour of Thornhill. But in the -next she did not. It was so terribly hard to say -what she had to tell him.</p> - -<p>Moira’s persistence in her reckless proposal had -given rise to a tempest of forces in Miles Harlindew. -The notion of marrying her had never even -formed in his dispirited brain. Now it swept -through him like a cleansing and strengthening -hope. He faced her with the uncertainty of a man -who is still afraid to trust his own understanding.</p> - -<p>“Wait, Miles!” she said, “I’ve something more -to tell you.” She began hurriedly, like a guilty -child, but as she went on her voice became firm. -“I don’t know who my father was. I was told his -name was Williams, but I don’t know whether he -is alive or dead. I’m the child of a servant who -was never married. You see if you married me, -it might be said that I wanted the protection of -your name. I’ve none of my own.”</p> - -<p>It was his turn to be impatient, and he had an<span class="pagenum" id="Page_188">[188]</span> -impulse now to laugh and take her in his arms. -But he held back.</p> - -<p>“Mary,” he said seriously, “in the first place -what has all that to do with it?”</p> - -<p>“But it’s true. And you’ve forgotten my name -is Moira.”</p> - -<p>“I don’t care. It’s all beside the point. I’ve -never been strong for relatives, my own kin into -the bargain. I might not enjoy yours. But do -you suppose it makes any difference to any one -who your father is? Your father and mother are -your face, your beautiful, glorious face. Your -birthright is yourself, your incredible perfection. -Don’t you see, it isn’t your father or your mother -you’re giving up, but yourself, all this miracle? -You can’t give all that to me. I’m not worth it. -I can’t count on myself. How can I ask you to -count on me?”</p> - -<p>“You don’t know yourself. You never have.”</p> - -<p>“Mary!” he cried, and she let him continue -using the old name which came so naturally. She -felt his intense desire to be honest, while it angered -and annoyed her. Why should he decide -these things for her? But he went on, “Don’t you -see? This is just a—a sentiment, a ridiculous illusion -about your birth.”</p> - -<p>“It’s <i>true</i>,” she replied. “I must know that -you believe it’s true—or nothing can go on.”</p> - -<p>“If it were a thousand times true it wouldn’t -make me good enough for you.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_189">[189]</span>She sat down beside the road. Tears were coming -to her eyes, and she hated to have him see -them.</p> - -<p>“Miles,” she said, “I thought once I couldn’t -love again, but you’ve seemed like something -lost to me and come back. It’s the same thing in -my heart, only older and more real. If you don’t -mind my being what I am, if you want me, please -come and take me. Only don’t argue.”</p> - -<p>His close embrace was like the end of a journey -she had been travelling all these last weeks quite -unconsciously. His passion, the fierce, sudden, -exacting eagerness of the luckless taken unaware -by great good fortune, could not hurt her too -much.</p> - -<p>“You must forgive me if I am quite mad,” he -stammered. “Look at me. Am I sane, Madonna -beloved?”</p> - -<p>She did look at him, but she saw, beyond the -cadaverous face and humble eyes, a man who -carried, she hoped, the power of change within -him. She was completely happy to have that job -for her own. Yesterday she had had loneliness, -a heavy secret, futility. Now she had everything -that she had ever lost; and more, the knowledge -of her own strength. What if it did fail, it would -be this while it lasted....</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_190">[190]</span> - -<h2 class="nobreak">XIX</h2> -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="first">“Oh, when I was in love with you</div> -<div class="indent">Then I was clean and brave,</div> -<div class="verse">And miles around the wonder grew</div> -<div class="indent">How well did I behave....”</div> -</div></div> - -<p>“<span class="smcap">It’s</span> old Housman all over again,” cried Harlindew, -in high glee. “Since I married you, I’ve -become a respected citizen. People stop me on -the street and want to talk who haven’t deigned -to give me a wink in years.”</p> - -<p>“Don’t forget there is a second verse,” said -Moira.</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="first">“But now the fancy passes by</div> -<div class="indent">And nothing will remain</div> -<div class="verse">And miles around they’ll say that I</div> -<div class="indent">Am quite myself again.”</div> -</div></div> - -<p>“Yes, but he had to add that to make it a well-rounded -thought. The first is the only one that -counts. Well-rounded thoughts are an abomination. -Or else he had to live up to the well known -Housman cynicism. But isn’t this enough for one -sitting? I’m hungry.”</p> - -<p>“Just five minutes more. There’s something I -don’t want to miss about that light. I can’t ever -get you into the same position twice. You’re -changeable enough—physically!” she concluded.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_191">[191]</span>He strolled over to the portrait when she had -released him and criticized it outrageously. The -face was all wrong, the colour of the hair absurd, -the brow too handsome. It was a good picture -perhaps, but a poor portrait. Her sketches of him -were better. She had a nice loose line in sketching -and didn’t flatter so much. Women ought -never to paint men, at least never their sweethearts. -They weren’t honest enough. They were -too romantic. But this was all delivered in the utmost -good nature and she did not resent it. She -thought he was quite a good critic of painting. -He liked things of very crude strength, directness. -Her work, she herself was inclined to admit, indulged -in glamour—it was the hardest thing to -avoid. But she hoped that in ten or twenty years -she would do something good; that was time -enough.</p> - -<p>As a matter of fact, Miles Harlindew thought -his wife’s work remarkably fine and had often -said so. Then, discovering she was so modest -about it that praise was downright displeasing to -her, he adopted the bantering tone. He catered to -her modesty by giving her all the severe criticism -he dared to. And on the whole it resulted in a -better understanding.</p> - -<p>Standing in the doorway, he watched her with -some impatience, while she put on a hat, powdered -her nose, dabbed at her nails and stood in front -of the mirror gazing at herself in satisfied animation.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_192">[192]</span> -She liked to make him wait. Then they -slipped down the narrow carpeted stairs and into -the brilliant afternoon, breathless and laughing. -It was not surprising that people looked twice at -the pair. She wondered if there were any two -lovers who enjoyed their holidays together as -much as they. There were so many things to do -and it needed so little to make them memorable. -A walk through Italian streets, flooded with little -bodies and loud with cries, to some unknown restaurant; -or up the Avenue in the dusk to the -Park; or a long ride in front of the bus—whatever -met their eyes on these jaunts was fresh and -new though they had seen it a hundred times before. -There was no place for a honeymoon like -New York: it meant that the honeymoon never -ended.</p> - -<p>Marriage had hardly changed an outward detail -of their lives. She had refused to give up -her job, which he somehow expected she could do. -Perhaps she could paint and try to sell her work. -It appeared to him so much more fitting. But -Moira did not wish to sell her paintings, even if -she had thought them worth any money. All that -could wait. Wasn’t his work waiting too? Poor -boy! How could any one expect him to write with -his time all taken up?</p> - -<p>“But,” he objected, “I may have to take care -of more than you one of these days. Hadn’t I -better get used to it?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_193">[193]</span>“Nonsense,” she replied. “That’s all the more -reason why I should be earning now.”</p> - -<p>Miles had retained his room downstairs, much -as it was, except that she saw it was kept in some -sort of order for him. Her own tiny living quarters -were not enough comfortably for two, and she -had foreseen that he would have many a spell -when he wanted to be quite alone. To her mind -he was very chivalrous in hiding his low-spirited -moments from her. When he left her early after -dinner to spend the evening and the night in his -room, she knew that it was a signal for one of -these. He was working off some disappointment, -some mood of defeat. These troubles had generally -fled by morning. He would be in her bedroom, -before she woke up, noisy and hungry, and -full of jokes.</p> - -<p>“You’re making me too happy to write,” he -told her on one such occasion, as he sat on her -bedside and put her hand to his lips. “You -remember Rossetti says:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="first">“By thine own tears thy song must tears beget</div> -<div class="indent">O Singer! Magic mirror thou hast none</div> -<div class="indent">Except thy manifest heart and save thine own</div> -<div class="verse">Anguish or ardour, else no amulet.”</div> -</div></div> - -<p>He had the old-fashioned way of reading poetry, -intoning it without much shading or expression—and -he threw himself into it. She thought nobody<span class="pagenum" id="Page_194">[194]</span> -was just like him when he did that entirely for -his own pleasure.</p> - -<p>“But he speaks of ardour as well as anguish,” -she objected.</p> - -<p>“Yes, I suppose poetry itself does not have to -be sad. But it comes out of something like sadness. -Rossetti was right. It is as foolish to write -poetry in the midst of happiness as to try to find -words for what you look like now—when I can -be looking at you instead. How beautiful you are -when you wake.”</p> - -<p>It occurred to Moira that she might be a little -distressed over all this. She wanted him to be -happy, but she also wanted him to write—and become -famous or at least deserve it in her eyes. -But her good sense brushed his idle words aside. -Why encourage harbouring such notions? She -had never known any one who spoke his mind -aloud so continuously as he did, and she knew -that many of the things he said simply passed -through it aimlessly. They were without significance -except the significance of always tossing up -other thoughts, and still others, until the right -one came. This thinking aloud had a ruthless -quality that would have hurt a more sensitive -wife. It did not trouble her.</p> - -<p>She decided there was no hurry about his getting -to work. She did not want him to do it until -he could do his best. Nothing less than that she -wished to foster. They were living their lives to<span class="pagenum" id="Page_195">[195]</span> -the full, now, through each other. In good time -they would branch out and live in wider circles. -Miles was storing up treasures that would find -utterance one of these days. Indeed he was writing—slight, -experimental things which she did not -like, it was true, but which would help to open up -the dried springs of his invention. This period -of his life was certainly not less promising than -the five years before she had met him, arid years -of picking up a mere living by critical trifles.</p> - -<p>An event that she did not foresee, however, -happened shortly afterward. A week came when -Harlindew spent almost no time with her. He -disappeared into his room early; at breakfast he -seemed to have slept little, and he was distracted -and irritable. When the time came to go downtown, -she felt that he resented it. He would -dawdle and temporize and start off anywhere -from a quarter to a half hour late. The secrecy -of his movements were a trial to her, and she -could not get anything out of him by casual questioning. -His answers were indirect, hinting at -work. Then her questioning stopped. She realized -that she was growing angry; malicious impulses -came to her, a desire for petty revenge, -and all this warned her that she was vainer than -she had believed. She depended upon his attentions, -his love-making, his continual amusing flattery. -That was the unfairness of marriage, she -argued. It taught you to expect certain things<span class="pagenum" id="Page_196">[196]</span> -you had got on very well without before. But if -your single mate withheld them, you could -not go elsewhere to supply them.... After six -days of this, Moira began to believe herself a -philosopher, and something of a cynic as well. -She had kept her temper, but she had also been -experimenting with the green serpent of disillusionment.</p> - -<p>The thing ended with a visit to her bedroom at -two in the morning. He was a little excited by -liquor, a most unusual thing since their marriage, -yet she was sure he had not been away. Most of -this excitement came from another cause. He -held in his hand a half a dozen sheets of paper -and began without preliminaries to read them to -her. They were new poems, of course—how -stupid she had been not to suspect it! When -he had finished reading them she snatched them -from him with cries of delight and read them herself.</p> - -<p>“I have to see the words—the blessed words!” -she declared.</p> - -<p>He walked out of the room, leaving the crinkly -papers with her, walked on air yet timorously, -jumping half out of his boots at every slight noise -she made with the sheets. When he came back -he found tear-drops clinging to her lashes. She -was still reading the poems as though to fix -them then and there in her mind. She laid back -on the pillows and asked him to read them all over<span class="pagenum" id="Page_197">[197]</span> -himself aloud, and “very slowly.” It was a long -moment after he had ended that she spoke.</p> - -<p>“They’re better than anything you’ve done,” -she said, with a contentment that filled him with -torturing pangs of delight. “As good and better -than the best in your book. It’s come back to you, -Miles, I always knew it would. Oh, isn’t it wonderful!”</p> - -<p>He sat down, suddenly downcast and sheepish -in the midst of his elation.</p> - -<p>“But if this is going to happen to me often, -what am I going to do?” he said. “I’ve lived -those things. It’s been hell and heaven, Moira. I -took two afternoons off from the office. I had to. -It was all but impossible to go.”</p> - -<p>She sat up in bed and gazed at him in profound -reflection. She felt she knew what he meant. It -was not childish, not perverse. How could such -things be mixed up in the same day, this fine fervour -of creation, and that mechanical, wretched -work? What she most desired him to be he was -now, and that he must continue to be at the cost -of everything else. She suddenly saw life rosy -and fresh ahead of them, untrammelled by anything -base, full of brave expression.</p> - -<p>“Never mind, never mind!” she cried excitedly. -“Listen, you can hold on two months longer somehow. -In two months my lease will be up. We’ve -got eighteen hundred dollars between us now, and -by that time we ought to have two thousand.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_198">[198]</span> -We’ll just quit cold, Miles, drop everything. -Somewhere in Europe we can live for nothing, live -forever on that. Who knows what can happen -before it is gone? We might never have to come -back—never until we wanted to. You can go on -writing and writing these gorgeous things!”</p> - -<p>“My God,” he murmured, “it would be marvellous. -It could be done.... O Magician!”</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_199">[199]</span> - -<h2 class="nobreak">XX</h2> -</div> - -<p><span class="smcap">The</span> experience of that night was one of those -moments on the Olympus of extravagant hope, before -which it is merciful to draw the veil. In one -hour they seemed to have attained all that life -held for the most fortunate—freedom, work, love.</p> - -<p>Therefore, had they stepped from the tropical -belt to the Arctic circle; had they plunged from -the top of a sunlit tower to the depths of a coal -shaft, the change which came during the next -month could not have been greater. Moira had -never anticipated resenting her first baby. Preparations -for the trip, expenditures for the trip, -had first been slackened up in mid-career, as they -waited apprehensively and then had been abandoned -with the abruptness that only comes when -death enters a house. There lay the paraphernalia -of travel, new and useless. They had drifted -into a state of divine negligence. Jobs and all -practical affairs went along any old way; they -were matters soon to be jettisoned like an old -coat. Then came this reality as if the four walls -of a prison had been dropped about them in a day.</p> - -<p>It was not so bad as that of course, when the -first rude awakening had passed. Life substitutes -one enthusiasm for another. Miles recovered admirably<span class="pagenum" id="Page_200">[200]</span> -at once; he spent his eloquence reassuring -her that this was the best thing that could have -happened to them. He had all the normal delight -in the prospect of fatherhood.</p> - -<p>But Moira was not so easily reconciled. She -would always look upon that baby as something a -little too unreasonably expensive. She was not -ready for it, and had the plan of going abroad -been broached earlier she would never have had -it. She would have been more pleased had Miles -not tried so hard to make her see it in a better -light. She did not doubt his sincerity, nor that -he would be one whose joy in children of his own -would be unbounded. But she hated to think of -his taking one burden after another from her -shoulders until he would be carrying them all, -while she waited helplessly. She had never -thought him, as yet, strong enough without her.</p> - -<p>So she did not relinquish her burdens until she -had to. She worked on, until the last day she could -without embarrassment. After a season of careful -figuring she estimated that what they had -saved, with Miles’ salary (which had been slightly -increased not long before) would enable them to -maintain their present comforts until she got back -to earning. She hoped that could be managed -somehow within two years.</p> - -<p>But if the idea of having a child was an adventure, -they both had to admit that the conditions -it called for were somewhat depressing.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_201">[201]</span> -For one thing, they had to have more space. -The first work she did after leaving Barcroft’s -establishment was to move to a flat in the eighties -on the west side. In every particular this place -lacked the charm of her studio, nor could anything -they did to it or put into it make it seem the same. -The little kennel-like separations called rooms -were diabolically invented for people who had to -have children, and so constructed as to make them -hate the fact that they had them.</p> - -<p>At the earliest hint of the baby’s coming she -noticed changes in Miles. He had never been very -regular or responsible about office hours. Now it -worried him if he was a half minute late in getting -started. He talked less, he exaggerated less. -He seemed to be unwilling to discuss books, or -any of the old subjects that had enthralled him. -He spoke much of there being a future “in the -firm,” for a chap who “really buckled down and -dug up results.” She realized that he was beginning -to regard his job as a permanent support.</p> - -<p>He came home sometimes with bundles of -papers filled with figures and sat in the little -study at night, writing what he called “plans” -and “copy” and making “market analyses.” It -was the same sort of jargon that Barcroft talked -incessantly—“sales and distribution,” “consumer -demand,” and “dealer helps.” It had sounded -all right from Barcroft; but from Miles....<span class="pagenum" id="Page_202">[202]</span> -She found among his papers rough drafts in his -own hand of advertisements extolling the value -of hog foods, lice powder, piston rings—and one -long story about “How I raised my salary from -fifty to two hundred dollars a week in six months.” -When she read these she went into her room -and cried. They had meant nothing to her so -long as he took them lightly; now that he applied -his whole mind to them and sat absently dreaming -of them, they seemed blasphemous. But she -dared not complain; she had no remedy to offer.</p> - -<p>In a little while—after the baby was a few -months old—he began to bring home news of certain -results from all this energy and absorption. -His salary took a sudden jump. He was “meeting -clients” continually, doing executive work. -Soon, he told her, he would have a small office to -himself. She simulated pleasure at these announcements, -but she felt none. Every triumph -of that sort meant a surrender of himself. She -even resented the care he had begun to take in -his clothes and his hair-cuts, the change in his -style of dress.</p> - -<p>The ugliness of the little apartment in a building -which held perhaps fifty tiresome families, -the dreary parade of bourgeois virtues, and fourth -or fifth rate finery, the strident female voices in -the street and halls, the newness of everything one -touched and looked at, the lack of shadows and -mystery and ease, the pervasive, obvious travail<span class="pagenum" id="Page_203">[203]</span> -for money—all these things were to Moira an -education in American life which her youth had -escaped. She disliked them, but she regarded -them, because they were strange to her, with a detached, -half-amused curiosity.</p> - -<p>To Miles, however, they were a return to the -hated past—from just such a street in Cincinnati -he had fled in horror years before. She saw that -it really involved him; that daily, as it were, he -had to brush its overwhelming effect from his -clothes and from his mind. It was she who was -putting him through all this.... And it was only -an added irony that Miles, junior, turned out -such a satisfactory child, normal and vigorous -and good-tempered. It did not improve matters -any that he deserved this sacrifice, for with every -new fascination he exerted, every delightful characteristic -he exhibited, the subjection of all their -hopes to his demands became more complete....</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Three years passed this way, and though the -affairs of the Harlindew family went on quite as -ever in outward appearance, much had happened -underneath to both.</p> - -<p>In the first place she had learned that a child -was not a temporary encumbrance, one that she -could throw off in a year or two for outside work. -If certain of its wants diminished with its growth, -others increased, and the habit of being an attendant -mother became fixed. She had had to<span class="pagenum" id="Page_204">[204]</span> -abandon her plan of returning to offices. Cheap -servant girls and the risk run in trusting them -worried her too much as it was. She became as -helpless a house-person as the scores of other -young mothers in her teeming block.</p> - -<p>With the relinquishment of this notion came -the gradual realization that they might never be -able to take up again that shoulder to shoulder independence -which had seemed so fine while it -lasted. Miles from now on was the provider—she -and her child the dependents. She discovered -that he had seen this more clearly than she -from the beginning.</p> - -<p>He ceased to take an interest in himself at all. -His mind settled into a hopeless groove of dogged, -disinterested work. To see him pick up a book -and lay it aside was a gesture that came to hold -a veritable sense of tragedy for her. To watch -the effect of a fine play upon him was pathetic. -While its beauty filled him with happiness, he -dared not allow himself to be lifted too far into -that rarified atmosphere. He ventured no opinions -about any of the hundreds of stimulating personalities -who were coming up on the horizon of -culture everywhere. Poetry he spoke of with -whimsical condescension, even with contempt. It -seemed to him an impudent excrescence, a meaningless -dream that had no right to existence in a -life of reality.</p> - -<p>All this came more swiftly than she knew, occupied<span class="pagenum" id="Page_205">[205]</span> -as she was with the absorbing bit of life -under her care. In three years she thought she -scarcely knew Miles. The poems he had shown -her that night before the baby’s coming were -often in her hands, though she dared not mention -them to him. They were as fine as they had been -then. Could this plodding man—who loved her -still with a desperate, clinging love, a love, as it -seemed, that was the breath of his life—be the -same man who had written them? And was it -possible that he must stop that divine occupation -for no other reason than that three people had -to live? The future seems short when life is -meaningless and tiresome, and we become seized -with a fierce impatience. Moira fought against a -feeling that they were old and life was declining -to its end....</p> - -<p>An ominous fact was apparent. In spite of -Harlindew’s devotion to work at the office he was -achieving very little. He had reached a certain -point and come to a standstill. His salary, large -according to the ideas with which he had begun, -was a dwindling insufficiency when it came to paying -their bills. He was beginning to be afraid -that he might never go farther. She remembered -now a saying that Barcroft had repeated to her: -“Push may start behind, but it’s got brains beat -all hollow in the end.” He was referring to the -kind of brains Miles had, theoretic and literary. -Miles himself tried to explain his predicament in<span class="pagenum" id="Page_206">[206]</span> -words of much the same import. There was a -“point of saturation,” he said, in salaries and -advancement, unless you “got outside and went -after the business.” Apparently that was what -he could not do.</p> - -<p>At the same time, an incredible number of new -expenses, roundly chargeable to the item named -“baby” had absorbed all their early savings except -a few hundred dollars, which she jealously -kept—not so much in fear of an emergency, as -with the hope that it might be the magic key to -open the door to some way out of their life. But -she went into this treasure to buy Miles decent -business suits. They were both behind in similar -comforts and vanities.</p> - -<p>Harlindew seemed to resent any invasion of his -evenings, to prefer to sit with her and his -thoughts. Yet in reality he was full of an enormous -restlessness to which he dared not surrender. -The office needed all his energy; he could not -spend it. So he thought.... Moira would take -the bored man out whenever her maid would stay, -trying to revive the spirit of their old comradeship. -It came to life only in rare flashes.</p> - -<p>Her twenty-eighth year passed. She found herself -with more freedom on her hands now, and -she obtained work from Elsie Jennings which -brought in a few dollars a week. She was not -sure which feeling was uppermost in Miles, his -pleasure at seeing the money or his disgust<span class="pagenum" id="Page_207">[207]</span> -at finding her painting silly gift cards. Her painting, -the fact that she had always kept it up to -some extent, was his consolation, a vicarious substitute -for his own emptiness.... But the money -made them more comfortable.</p> - -<p>Then she discovered that she was going to have -another baby. He took the announcement casually, -even with a joke.</p> - -<p>“By Jove, my dear,” he said, “I’m succeeding -in something, anyway.”</p> - -<p>He sat down and chuckled to himself. Three -things had struck him as very funny. One was -that he had never in his life pictured himself as a -prolific father—like his own father; another was -that he would be thirty-seven that week—and the -third that he had come home to tell Moira his salary -had been cut.</p> - -<p>She dropped quickly, beseechingly beside him, -disliking the sound of his laugh.</p> - -<p>“What’s the matter, darling, is it too much?”</p> - -<p>He put his arms across her shoulders in an accustomed -gesture.</p> - -<p>“No, no, dear. How absurd. I’m as glad as I -can be.”</p> - -<p>He laughed again, attempting naturalness, and -ruffled his hair with a sudden motion of his hand. -But she felt the husband slipping from her grasp, -turning defiantly before her eyes into the vagrant -poet....</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_208">[208]</span> - -<h2 class="nobreak">XXI</h2> -</div> - -<p><span class="smcap">They</span> moved again, the landlord uptown having -raised the rent at the expiration of their lease. -The new place was in two large, bare rooms four -stories up, lighted by gas, and without any kitchen -except a small gas stove in a corner and some -shelves concealed by a wall-board screen. There -was a dilapidated bathroom, and a roof above -where she could take the children in good weather. -The place was in the Italian quarter and was -cheap. The move seemed a logical one to Moira, -for it brought them down in the social scale. If -they were to be poor, it was better to live with -the poor than with the pretentious. And the Italian -section was in the Village, of which they had -both become incurably fond, and where for many -reasons they felt most comfortable.</p> - -<p>The house was managed by an Italian woman -named Respetti, who had once done odd jobs of -sewing for Moira and for whom she felt a strong -liking. Mrs. Respetti had appeared to be quite -overjoyed to see her again, delighted to hear of -her marriage and her children, and had offered to -help her look after them when she could. Her -willingness in this regard was the deciding factor -in Moira’s choice of the house.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_209">[209]</span>She had not been installed there more than a -few weeks when Miles finally lost his job outright, -an event she had anticipated almost any day since -before the birth of her little girl. He made efforts -to obtain work of the same kind, but unsuccessfully. -He got books for review. He did whatever -came along. One day he brought her a check -signed by his father. He began shortly afterwards -to be somewhat worse than idle, and sought -forgetfulness of his troubles in a way to increase -them....</p> - -<p>Moira had lived to see three men in him: the -skylarking poet, the dogged misfit in business, and -finally the self-drugged and nearly self-convinced -failure. And still the vision of the first one -haunted her and she hoped to bring it back to life.</p> - -<p>Left to herself, she made friendships in the Village -and built up her own income to fairly respectable -proportions. She was, at least, preserved -from downright anxiety about the children. -In her youth at Thornhill, had she witnessed the -privations and makeshifts which now made up -her life she would have thought them a chapter out -of some incredible tale of human misfortune.</p> - -<p>One night when she had waited late for Miles -and he had not come, she went to Sophie’s -Kitchen.</p> - -<p>This was a dimly lighted little restaurant, with -two rows of board tables down each wall, and an -exotically foreign air, where the food was well-flavoured<span class="pagenum" id="Page_210">[210]</span> -and not so expensive as in most of the -show places of the section. She was very fond -of Sophie, the proprietress, a whole-souled -woman, discriminating in her intimates, with a -soft, pleasing voice, and remarkably long, narrow -hazel eyes.</p> - -<p>As Moira seated herself at one of the tables she -was conscious of a fashionable party across the -room. Such people were not unusual in Sophie’s -and she paid little attention to them. She saw -the handsome proprietress in the open pantry at -the back of the room and waved to her with a cry -of greeting. Sophie replied by calling her name. -Immediately afterward, Moira looked up to see -a man coming toward her from the group she had -spotted upon entering. He reached her table and -thrust out his hand.</p> - -<p>“Well, Rob Blaydon!” she cried.</p> - -<p>“Moira.”</p> - -<p>She had recognized him at once, but she looked -him over more carefully as he sat down opposite -her. He was stouter. She found herself experiencing -a sensation she had never known before, -that of meeting a youthful companion grown mature -in her absence, one she was fond of. It wasn’t -such an extraordinary sensation. It might have -been only a few days ago when she was seeing -Rob constantly. Nothing happened to people at -all. Perhaps his face had changed a little, but -whatever change there was she would have expected.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_211">[211]</span> -Yes, she felt he was an even more wicked -and human Rob than before.</p> - -<p>“I’ll tell you what, Moira,” he went on at once. -“I don’t care what you’ve got on hand to-night, -you’ve got to spend the evening with me. If you -will wait just a minute I’ll get away from these -people on some pretext. I’ve simply got to talk -to you, Moira. What do you say?”</p> - -<p>“Go ahead, Rob, if you want to. I’d love it,” -she replied with unaffected pleasure.</p> - -<p>He came back in a few moments.</p> - -<p>“Evidently they are used to your whims,” she -said. “They don’t seem to mind.”</p> - -<p>“Forget ’em,” he replied, with a clipped ruthlessness -she remembered well.</p> - -<p>The two women had in fact glanced at her -curiously and critically, but she did not care. -They were certainly a very smart party. She -wondered what they would think if they knew that -she, too, not so many years ago, had worn the -clothes they were wearing and cultivated their -dry, sophisticated smiles. It appeared to her now -a diluted and uninteresting sophistication....</p> - -<p>“Moira,” he was saying, “I’ve got to know all -about you. I’m hungry for information. You -don’t look any younger. But you don’t look any -the worse, either. What wouldn’t they give back -home to be with me now!”</p> - -<p>“Rob, it’s good to see you!”</p> - -<p>“Honest? Well, I’m certainly glad you feel<span class="pagenum" id="Page_212">[212]</span> -that way. Still, I always knew you’d be just the -same. Why did you do it, Moira? Why in the -devil did you do it?”</p> - -<p>“Do what?”</p> - -<p>“Oh, all that—rot. It was silly, Moira. You’re -one of us, to this day. Always will be, you know. -Who cared?”</p> - -<p>She laughed a few notes of warm laughter that -was still a clear stream free from the sediment of -bitterness.</p> - -<p>“I never think of that any more. Perhaps it -was silly. But I’ve been happier.”</p> - -<p>“H’m.” She was conscious that his eyes -searched her face, and rather proud that what he -found there would make it impossible to pity her. -“H’m,” he repeated, “well, maybe you have. I -guess you know a lot.”</p> - -<p>“How are they, Rob? I’d like to see them all. -I really would. Goodness, it’s been ten years! -How’s Hal?”</p> - -<p>There was no challenge in the tone—it was just -a natural question.</p> - -<p>“You haven’t heard about Hal? Well, Hal is -in China. Been there for six years and I reckon -he won’t come home. You know he looked high -and low for you—thought he was going out of his -mind. There were difficulties, you understand, -or perhaps you counted on them. Fear of publicity—truth -leaking out—abduction—shouting<span class="pagenum" id="Page_213">[213]</span> -your name from the house-tops. But he wore -himself out. Then one night he came home, and -broke down. Well, he told me he guessed it was -better the way it turned out—that he admired -you and knew you’d never be moved. Thought -after what happened you’d never feel right. My -God, you high and mighty idealists!”</p> - -<p>“Is he happy?”</p> - -<p>“I don’t know. Hal and I were always so confounded -different, it’s hard for me to get him. He -wasn’t cut out to be happy or the opposite. He’s -turned out one of those quiet, square-jawed -gumps, Moira. I met him in Paris two years ago, -and we had a rotten dull time of it. I suppose -he’ll mope around the Orient the rest of his life, -working for corporations, get richer and richer -and marry somebody’s sister equally rich. Now, -I’m another breed of coyote. I’m always satisfied -when I have a clean shirt on. It’s the thoughtless -life I like.”</p> - -<p>“I’m sorry Hal isn’t happy,” said Moira ruefully.</p> - -<p>“I wouldn’t be sorry about him!” snapped Rob. -“Damn it, Moira, I don’t say you weren’t clever -as the devil. But if Hal had been me I’d have -found you.”</p> - -<p>“You’re the same Rob!” she laughed. “You -know, of course, you’re the only one of them I -could have run into this way and talked to comfortably.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_214">[214]</span> -And the others—how are they? Your -father I”—she dropped her voice—“read about -in the papers.”</p> - -<p>“Poor Dad. He must have felt he was buncoed -sometime or other in his life. He tried to overcrowd -the last few years. I think Aunt Mathilda -felt he went off about in time.... Those two old -women—I mean your mother, Moira, and my aunt. -It’s a curious friendship that’s grown up between -them. They keep that big house together and -think mostly about cows and flowers—and old -times.”</p> - -<p>She did not reply to that nor look at him directly. -She was glad when he burst out in a more -immediate vein.</p> - -<p>“Well, what do you say to a night of it? I find -it’s a dull world, Moira. You may have more -money than I have, and it may bore you to do the -bright lights ... but that’s my form of entertainment. -However, I’m only going to do what -you say. It’s your night. But I don’t imagine -you want me to take you to church!”</p> - -<p>“I haven’t money,” she answered, smiling. “I -never have a night of it, Rob. I’d love one.”</p> - -<p>“Good! Come on.”</p> - -<p>“No. I want you to wait here while I change. -These clothes won’t do.”</p> - -<p>“Just as you say. But can’t I take you—wherever -it is you go to change your clothes?”</p> - -<p>“What’s the use?” she queried, tentatively, as<span class="pagenum" id="Page_215">[215]</span> -much to herself as to him. “No, I’d rather you -wouldn’t.”</p> - -<p>“Just as you say.”</p> - -<p>“Rob, you’re a dear. In fifteen minutes I’ll be -back. Meantime you talk to Sophie. Oh, Sophie,” -she called, and while she waited for Sophie to -come, she added, “Sophie will like you fine. She -might even put you on the poor list.”</p> - -<p>“What’s that?”</p> - -<p>“Sophie has a sliding scale of prices. But -that’s a secret.”</p> - -<p>Moira’s one black evening gown was rather old, -but she felt extraordinarily happy as she stepped -out of the restaurant a little later on his arm. -The sweet, leathery smell of the taxicab’s interior -held almost a new shiver for her. How long it -had been since she had smelled that with a good -conscience and seen the lights of the little squares -and the upper Avenue slip by like a single glittering -chain, to the slinky whirr of wheels. She -looked forward to the evening for itself—its adventure -in colours—and for Rob. She begged -him not to ask her questions, not until they had -had a few dances and found a quiet corner after -the fun.</p> - -<p>“I see,” he said. “You’re starved for a fling—even -if you won’t let on.”</p> - -<p>“I am—with you.”</p> - -<p>“No kidding? But I guess you always did like -me pretty well. You used to be my only champion.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_216">[216]</span> -And I needed one often. Well, I’m an unrepentant -sinner.”</p> - -<p>After dining they took in a part of the Follies -and then went to dance. It was the same, she -found, here as it had been at home. Whenever -they stopped, at the Tom-Tom and La Fleur de -Nuit, he was known and served like the old-timers. -She begged him to go on drinking while she -skipped, and he did so without apology, explaining -that it was his forte. She wondered at his -power of absorbing continuously without the -trembling of an eyelash. It pleased her to meet -admiring eyes, and be asked to dance by his -friends.</p> - -<p>He steered her afterward to a place furnished -like a very intimate club, where they sat in deep -armchairs under dim lights and had scrambled -eggs and bacon on little French stands. There -she took a long Scotch highball and told him something -of herself.</p> - -<p>“Moira,” he said. “It’s a weird sensation to -listen to such a tale from you. You belong in this -sort of thing.” He indicated the too elegant -room.</p> - -<p>She rose to go.</p> - -<p>“It’s better fun to feel you belong in the whole -crazy world. I wonder if you do?”</p> - -<p>She laughed and then added with a sudden -burst of bravado: “Rob, I’d like to take you home<span class="pagenum" id="Page_217">[217]</span> -and let you see my kids. I’d like to to-night. -Could you come?”</p> - -<p>“Yep. I get a train out of here at nine in the -morning and there’s more than six hours to make -it.”</p> - -<p>She felt it was an odd experience for him climbing -up the dark, gas-lit stairs. She led him back -to the cribs with candelabra in her hand, and -he looked longest at the blond-haired little Joanna, -seeing in her broad, upturned, warm face -some misty resemblance to his earliest vision of -her mother.</p> - -<p>“They’re great kids, Moira. But I won’t bluff—I -like ’em all best when they’re asleep.”</p> - -<p>They came out into the shadowy, haphazard -studio, and she knew he felt uneasy and shocked -at her surroundings.</p> - -<p>“Well,” he said coolly, “of course you’re going -to let me help you. I’ve got plenty—more than -is good for me—and nobody has more right to it -than you. If you say so, I’ll ditch that train to-morrow -and have you out of here by noon with -the children, into a comfortable place.”</p> - -<p>“No, sir,” she laughed.</p> - -<p>“But, my God!” he protested, and then added -severely. “Moira, I told you early in the evening -you looked none the worse for everything.... -But you do—you look peaked. You’re fagged.”</p> - -<p>“Who wouldn’t be, after a night of it with you!<span class="pagenum" id="Page_218">[218]</span> -No, no, you dear boy. But we’ll have a night of it -again.”</p> - -<p>“Thanks for that.”</p> - -<p>“And only with you, Rob,” she continued, with -emphasis. He caught the hint that he was to keep -the secret of her whereabouts.</p> - -<p>“Just as you say. I shan’t talk. But I’m going -to get you out of this, somehow, sometime. I -can’t tell you where to reach me, to-night, except -that Thornhill does, in a roundabout way. I’m -going to locate in the East in a few days and you’ll -hear from me. I’m going now. There’s no use -talking, Moira, this pulls me down”—he made a -gesture with his hand about the room and then -added apologetically—“Don’t be offended. It’s -just because it happens to be you.”</p> - -<p>As he stood awkwardly, with hat and stick under -one arm, he took out a long box of cigarettes and -threw it on the table.</p> - -<p>“At least let me give you those,” he said with -a sheepish grin.</p> - -<p>“Rob, please don’t worry about me,” she -pleaded. She stepped toward the table to take a -cigarette from the box he had thrown down, but -his outstretched arm stopped her.</p> - -<p>“Here,” he said, offering his opened case, -“take one of these.... Moira, you’re the woman -who makes all my conceptions about the sex go -blooey. Damn it, I wish I were Harold. I wish -I had some prior rights in the matter.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_219">[219]</span>“You’ve more rights this minute than Hal,” -she said firmly.</p> - -<p>After he had gone she sat puffing smoke into -the dim upper reaches of the room, and watching -the petals of candlelight waver and dip. What -fun it had been! Life held strange meetings. -Perhaps it held many more for her. She was a -little unhappy, dissatisfied ... the place did look -dismal, unclean, comfortless.</p> - -<p>In the morning she found Miles pacing the -studio waiting for her to rise. He was nervous -and evasive, but in better shape than she had expected -to see him. Obviously, he had done his -recovering elsewhere, and bathed while she slept. -She kissed him, her quarrel with him lost in -pleasant afterthoughts of the night before, but he -seemed troubled and strange. At breakfast, he -suddenly asked:</p> - -<p>“What the devil is this?”</p> - -<p>“What?”</p> - -<p>He tossed a Pall Mall cigarette box across the -table and she opened it. The silver paper was -folded carefully over the top. Between it and the -bottom layer of cigarettes lay five one hundred -dollar bills.</p> - -<p>“It’s a long story,” she said, recovering from -her surprise. Then she told him about Rob. He -stood up to go after she had finished.</p> - -<p>“Well,” he said, with some embarrassment, -“I do hope you feel it’s a perfectly natural thing<span class="pagenum" id="Page_220">[220]</span> -for a fellow to open a box of cigarettes lying -around on a table. I mean to say—”</p> - -<p>“Nonsense. I should have done it myself.”</p> - -<p>Miles left her, to go to his accumulated work, -bitterly, she knew, and more completely convinced -of his uselessness. She sat down to try to think -out what was to be done. The owner of the -five hundred had taken his train long ago. She -did not know where to reach him, and if she -did, it would be downright mean to send the money -back. She remembered how he had prevented -her from opening the box before he had left -her. The money was not there by accident. Rob -was her schoolboy friend. Perhaps she was only -giving herself an excuse, but what good would -her self-righteousness do to temper the hurt she -knew he would feel? She would accept his gift -simply and with thanks. Besides, she had a plan. -On the children’s account, on Miles’, on her own, -she had long been wanting to put it into execution. -This money would enable her to do so, -beautifully and without a hitch.</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_221">[221]</span> - -<h2 class="nobreak">XXII</h2> -</div> - -<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the open country near a southern village of -Connecticut, not over a brisk morning’s walk to -the Sound, sat a smallish farmhouse which was -probably a century old. It was an innocent and -ordinary enough looking house from the road. It -topped a swell of land that was somewhat higher -than its immediate surroundings and bare of large -trees except for a single magnificent elm halfway -between the house and the road. The lawn was -allowed to grow wild, but nearer the house and -covering the approach to its graceful old doorway -were several shrubs in more or less cultivated -condition placed on a few feet of clipped sod. In -the spring the lawn and the fields which rolled -out downward from the house were thickly starred -with buttercups whose tiny yellow bowls glistened -like lacquered buttons in the sun. Later the -same meadows turned to a waving lake of red -clover.</p> - -<p>Potter Osprey, when upbraided by his friends -for not making more of his handful of acres, declared -he was no gardener. He could neither -adorn nature nor gain his feed from her by his -own hands, for she was a wild beast whose moods -and colours and contours he had struggled with<span class="pagenum" id="Page_222">[222]</span> -all his life, and there was no quarter between -them. To all offers to prettify her in his immediate -neighbourhood he was politely deaf. He -wanted her rugged and plain as his plastic, solid -canvases liked to interpret her, and that way he -could love her as one loves a worthy foe.</p> - -<p>On the house itself he had lavished more care. -Eight years of his own proprietorship had made -it, without any great loss of its ancient character, -a place of personal charm inside. In the rear the -hill fell sharply from the foundation, and here he -had built up a broad concrete terrace, looking -northward to an unbroken view of horizon and -low hills. Above the terrace for ten or twelve -feet in height and almost as wide, rose a vertical -sheet of heavy, transparent glass in narrow -panels, and this gave light to a large room, which -had been made by knocking out walls and upper -flooring so that half of it was two stories high. -The house practically consisted of this room, a -cellar under it, and some small bedrooms above. -Outhouse and kitchen stepped away to the west.</p> - -<p>From Osprey’s north terrace could be seen a -smaller house on the eastern slope, nestling in a -very old, gnarled and worn-out orchard. Some of -its trees reminded one of those anatomical designs -in physiological books; they were half bare-branched -skeleton and half green, waving body.</p> - -<p>To the larger house Moira Harlindew came one -morning in answer to an advertisement in a New<span class="pagenum" id="Page_223">[223]</span> -York paper, describing a “small, furnished house -in the country with conveniences.”</p> - -<p>She was admitted by the painter himself, a man -of medium height, who showed his fifty years -more in his figure, his careless gait, and the way -he wore his old clothes, than in the face, which -was of no definite age, so Moira thought. What -lines had been worn upon it made the man seem -more youthful. The eyes were candid and reposeful, -but extremely responsive to passing -moods. This she detected in his look of anxiety -as he first opened the door for her, and in the evident -relief that followed his swift inspection. The -mouth, under a gray wisp of moustache that -tended to turn upwards at the ends, slanted a bit -so that more than half of the smile was on one -side. There was a suggestion of the satirical in -it. Yet Moira found the face, on the whole, a -pleasant one to look at, especially when he had -recovered his composure and was welcoming her.</p> - -<p>“Come in,” he said. “What can I do for -you?”</p> - -<p>“I’ve come to see the house for rent.”</p> - -<p>“Good. You’re early. I hardly expected any -answers to-day before noon. It’s quite a little -way to come from the city, you know. By the -way, I’m at my breakfast. Suppose you come -along and sit down while I finish. Do you mind?”</p> - -<p>He led her into the studio and she sank into a -large chair, a little tired after the long, warm walk<span class="pagenum" id="Page_224">[224]</span> -from the station. She felt instantly and completely -happy. The big room, with its cool, even -light, its smell of wood and paint, and its thousand -and one objects familiar and dear to her -trade, drove everything else from her mind, even -the anxiety she had felt lest the place be taken—for -it was Monday morning and all day Sunday -had elapsed since she had seen the advertisement. -He noticed her fatigue and glanced at her dusty -shoes.</p> - -<p>“You’ve walked up,” he exclaimed, surprised. -“Well, perhaps you will join me.” He sat down -before a low table which gleamed with silver and -yellow china. “Coffee? My morning tipple is -tea, but Nana always has some coffee because she -loves it herself.”</p> - -<p>“If you really have it,” said Moira, “I’d like -some coffee.”</p> - -<p>A large, impassive negress soon served her.</p> - -<p>“It isn’t much of a house you’re going to see,” -he went on. “I call it the orchard bungalow and -it is nearly as decrepit as the orchard itself. But -it will shed the rain.”</p> - -<p>“And it’s not taken?” asked Moira warmly.</p> - -<p>“Well, no—not exactly. But I’m afraid it’s -too—well, unpretentious for you.”</p> - -<p>“It couldn’t be that,” she laughed. As he finished -his toast her gaze went on embracing the -room with frank pleasure, and she was aware he -took sly glances at her.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_225">[225]</span>“Do you paint?” he asked suddenly.</p> - -<p>Moira had been afraid of the question. Though -her host had only given his last name she -had read it on pictures in the studio, and knew -now that he was an American painter of reputation -whose work she had worried over at various -exhibitions. She felt extremely humble, but her -fear arose from the suspicion that a successful -painter might object to having irresponsible and -immature dabblers running about in his near -neighbourhood. She could not hide in the immediate -safety of a lie. Eventually that would be -found out, though it tempted her.</p> - -<p>“I’m just a student,” she replied, and went on -quickly, “but the real reason I want a country -place is because I’ve two young children. Do you -mind that? I’m sure they will not bother you.”</p> - -<p>“Not at all,” he said cordially. “On the contrary.... -However,” he added, rising, “I think -we had better look at this humble dwelling before -you grow too enthusiastic, my dear young -lady.”</p> - -<p>As Moira had entered the place, her mind’s eye -had pictured the four-year-old Miles playing -among those buttercups, and learning things he -might never get to know if he grew much older -in the city. Now every step confirmed her in the -desire to live here at any cost. The nostalgia for -Thornhill which she had felt in many a solitary -hour during these last ten years, together with a<span class="pagenum" id="Page_226">[226]</span> -flood of early memories, swept over her. The -orchard, upon which a few apple blossoms lingered, -was enchantingly old and weird. Standing -in the high grass beneath it one could see a pattern -of winding stone fences crisscrossing the -fields, and up a near-by hill danced three pale -birches like a trio of white-legged girls with green -veils trailing about them. Even a bit of decayed -brown board by the path made her sentimental. -She wanted to run after a butterfly or to lie full -length in the grass of the meadow, letting the sun -drink her up....</p> - -<p>The house was small, but a moment’s speculation -and mental rearrangement convinced her -that it was adequate. She and the genial owner -found themselves making plans together for the -comfort of the Harlindew family.</p> - -<p>“I don’t see what you are going to do with your -maid,” said he, “unless she sleeps on the couch -out here in the sitting room.”</p> - -<p>“I shan’t have a maid,” Moira replied, and he -looked at her with another of his glances of wondering -curiosity.</p> - -<p>“But,” he began, and then stopped, thinking -better of what he had intended to say. “Well, -there’s my Nana. She often has time lying heavy -on her hands and she doesn’t object to an occasional -extra fee. No doubt she can help you.”</p> - -<p>“Oh, that will be splendid,” she cried. The -suggestion did solve a minor problem in her mind,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_227">[227]</span> -but she had no patience just now with minor problems. -“I love the old furniture you have in here.”</p> - -<p>“Most of it was here when I came, in the house -up above. I made one room out of three when I -built the studio, and these are the handful of -pieces I could not use. If you haven’t enough, -there are a few more odds and ends stored away.”</p> - -<p>“You’re going to let me take it, then?” asked -Moira breathlessly.</p> - -<p>He seemed surprised at the question, as though -the matter had been settled between them, and -then laughed.</p> - -<p>“I’ll tell you the truth now, Mrs. Harlindew. -There have been several other applicants but I -put them off somehow—I didn’t like any of them.... -But!” he exclaimed suddenly—“but my dear -girl! Well, well!”</p> - -<p>She was crying after all, as she had feared she -would in the orchard, ten minutes before. Tears -that she could not keep back rolled down her -smiling cheeks....</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_228">[228]</span> - -<h2 class="nobreak">XXIII</h2> -</div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Moira’s</span> hope had been that their move to the -country would bring Miles to his senses. With -nothing to do but rest and lose himself in the -beauty and peace of outdoors, with not even the -responsibility, for some months at least, to earn -any money, she confidently believed he would drop -the habits which had regained their hold upon him -of late, get possession of his impulse to work, and -begin to write the things of which she dreamed he -was capable. And in the beginning each day after -they arrived confirmed her hope. He seemed to -cast heavy burdens from his shoulders and his -mind, to love spending hours with the children, -romping and making the place merry with their -laughter and his. From time to time he wandered -off alone with his pockets stuffed with paper, -boyishly promising great results, or stayed up -with the lamp at night. When they had been -there no more than ten days it seemed already a -long time ago that their lives had changed and -taken a turn for the better. She was for that ten -days serenely happy.</p> - -<p>Then the country began to pall on Miles. He -grew restless and evasive; at breakfast he would -hint at various reasons for going to New York. -When their second week end came around he managed<span class="pagenum" id="Page_229">[229]</span> -a convincing excuse and disappeared with -a small handbag full of over-night clothing.</p> - -<p>Moira’s heart sank at this unexpected turn of -affairs, and she spent the days in his absence giving -way to more real despair than she had ever -known with him. This time she had done her -best, done what a little while ago she would have -thought impossible, and she had failed....</p> - -<p>He seemed to come back passionately eager to -see her, and so long as he did that she could only -surrender to him and see in him still her lover -and her first lover, her lover for all time. But -these waves of passion died away; her presence -and the children’s began to irk him in a day or -two, sometimes in a few hours, and it soon appeared -to her that he regarded a week as an interminable -visit.</p> - -<p>She set herself to observing him, to studying -his chance remarks, and for the first time a genuine -doubt of his fidelity oppressed her. There -was nothing tangible, except his trips to the city, -to justify this suspicion, and these would have -been inadequate despite his evasions. She could -quite naturally think of him as being restless, as -wanting to go away, without dreaming that he -would belie her faith in him. The suspicion of -infidelity came before the evidence, but once the -suspicion was lodged in her mind, the evidence, all -unconsciously furnished by Miles, piled up by -little and little.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_230">[230]</span>She saw that this warmth of love-making with -which he returned to her did not last an hour. -Bitter thoughts assailed her. Evidently he was -not always successful with his hypothetical sweetheart -or sweethearts and was driven back to his -wife. She could not keep fantastic exaggerations -out of her head, though in her sober moments she -told herself that the truth, if probably serious, -was far less florid than she imagined.</p> - -<p>Nevertheless, there grew upon her an increasing -repugnance toward his advances. She made -no issue of it. She did not want conflict. He -was very appealing, very hard on her sympathies, -very skilful in inventions. She could -not quickly forget that he had suffered and struggled -while he still loved her. But her inescapable -conclusion, reached in hours of cold reflection, -was that they were parting; that sooner or later -an end would come. She determined not to invite -it so long as her pride was not sacrificed; to wait -for it sensibly and coolly.</p> - -<p>Another explanation of Miles’ conduct brought -a curious sort of consolation and corrective. This -was that he simply wanted to be free—but did -not have the strength. The opportunity had been -placed in his way to leave, and, feeling himself -ultimately unequal to marriage and its burdens -and limitations, he believed he ought to take it. -His love still held him tenuously to her and the -children, his sentiment for their past together,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_231">[231]</span> -his need for a woman’s support—whatever it was—and -he could not find the courage to make the -break. He had probably been strengthened in -entertaining this purpose by the knowledge that -somebody had turned up from Thornhill, and she -would be taken care of. Much as that base notion -offended her, this last theory was frankly pleasing. -It was better than the thought of betrayal -with another woman.</p> - -<p>By the time she had reached this state of enlightenment -she was so skilled in reading poor -Miles’ motives that she felt as though she had -acquired supernatural powers of clairvoyance. -The summer was more than half gone.</p> - -<p>But she had not thought exclusively of Miles. -She had the children to care for and teach a whole -new set of fascinating things, and she had her -painting. The opportunity presented by these -untrammelled days was not to be lost over heart-burnings, -and a new power and certainty had come -to her. She wasted less time carrying her attempts -to the last degree of finish. She was trying -by experiment after experiment to get the feel -and solidity of the earth and to express her warm -daily contact with it.</p> - -<p>She had been very timid toward Osprey where -painting was concerned. She had resolved never -to speak to him about it and to keep out of his -way while she was at it. One ought not to expect -to rent the cottage of a famous painter and have<span class="pagenum" id="Page_232">[232]</span> -advice thrown in. But it was he who sought her -in the orchard one morning and made comments -for which she was grateful, because she understood -them and could profit by them, and also because -they were not uncomplimentary.</p> - -<p>“Most of us,” he said, “gamble frightfully in -choosing art as a career. That’s why there are so -many hopeless artists. We mistake an urge for a -talent, and the devil of it is there is no sure way -of knowing whether we’re on the right road or -not. But I think you are. In the first place you -have the steady enthusiasm and not just mere -plugging industry. In the second place you are a -self-teacher. Everybody worth a hang is that.”</p> - -<p>They were the first really golden words she had -ever heard, and she was certain afterward that -simply hearing them had improved her work -miraculously—made her surer of the knowledge -she had gained and helped her to discard excrescences.</p> - -<p>Osprey had few visitors. Perhaps twice a year -a gathering of extraordinary individuals with -whom he had consorted at various periods and in -many parts of the world crowded into the house, -took possession of it, kept up a racket until morning -and departed, leaving him with a few more -intimate cronies, some to recover from the effects -and others simply to prolong the reunion. These -entertainments occurred usually in the early -spring or fall, the seasons of change when people<span class="pagenum" id="Page_233">[233]</span> -come together most spontaneously. And they -were spontaneous. He had no use for set affairs.</p> - -<p>On rare occasions women drove out to see him, -for luncheon or tea; and he himself went to town -about once a month, seldom remaining longer -than over night. He seemed to have cultivated -not only the love of solitude, but the power to enjoy -it for long periods.</p> - -<p>There was one visitor, however, who arrived -often. Moira saw his heavy blue roadster drawn -up beside the lawn three times during the first -month of her stay, and she wondered who the impressive -man was, with short grey curly hair, and -the easy bearing of accomplishment. She was not -surprised to learn later that he was somebody—no -less a person, in fact, than Emmet Roget, the -producer, a man who was both a power in the business -phase of the theatre and an artistic radical -in his own right.</p> - -<p>The friendship between these two men appeared -to be less extraordinary now than it had been in -past years, but it was still a friendship in which a -certain inequality was apparent. The rôle of -Roget toward Osprey, during three-fourths of their -adult lives, had been that of a detached but watchful -guardian. A dozen years ago Osprey had -been something of a riderless horse, a centre of -explosions, the victim of unexpected mishaps and -misunderstandings, constantly involved with a -woman, and taking his affairs with desperate<span class="pagenum" id="Page_234">[234]</span> -seriousness, careless of his talent and his time. -Much of this relationship he skilfully suggested -to her himself, in his humorously philosophic moments.</p> - -<p>As he put it, he was born somewhere between -his thirty-eighth and his fortieth year, and began -to live his life in a sense backward; for though -he went on having experiences it was always something -in his life before his thirty-eighth year that -he seemed to be living over in these experiences, -and relishing where he previously had suffered. -The actual occasion of the change had been a -painful separation from the last of his devastating -loves, and more or less complete celibacy since. -The result was a fresh joy in work, a really enormous -volume of production ... peace and contentment -and plenty.</p> - -<p>The life of Emmet Roget had been exactly the -antithesis. He was penniless in his youth. No -sooner had he reached New York—to which -initial step Osprey had assisted him—than he began -to have means for his needs. At twenty-nine -he left Europe, after having immersed himself in -as much of French culture as an able young foreigner -can obtain with diligence and enthusiasm, -and studied the beginnings of the German theatre -movement. A season was spent directing a Denver -“little theatre,” but the provinces offered too -little future and freedom. Once more in New -York, Roget was designing sets and directing productions.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_235">[235]</span> -In his late thirties he was instituting -new methods into the theatre which were hailed -and copied abroad.</p> - -<p>Many regarded Emmet Roget as primarily a -“man for the future,” yet to him the present -seemed invariably kind. Unlike his friend, nothing -touched him; but whatever he touched gained -from his personality, took on fascination and -beauty. Hard at the core, immovable and unimpressionable, -he was yet acutely sensitive, capable -of profound appreciations, for music, for -colour, for a scene, a woman—and surprisingly -human in his contacts. No doubt it was this intuitive -appreciation, coupled with early friendship, -which had made him cling to Osprey through -many hopeless seasons and experiments.</p> - -<p>The first two or three times that Roget visited -him that summer, Osprey did not refer to his new -tenants except casually. Later, however, when -he had had a half dozen talks with Moira, he introduced -the subject to his friend at the dinner -table.</p> - -<p>“That’s rather a remarkable young woman I’ve -got down there in the orchard,” he said. “Did I -tell you that she painted?”</p> - -<p>“I believe so—something of the kind,” replied -Roget. He had met with his share of disillusionment -among his own protégés, and he was not -given to more than passing interest in the mere -fact that a young woman painted.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_236">[236]</span>“Well,” pursued Osprey, “I’ve got something -to show you after dinner.”</p> - -<p>When they had finished he led the producer to -a picture on the studio wall and switched on a -light he had put up to illuminate it.</p> - -<p>“That’s one of hers,” he said. “I think there -are extraordinarily good things in it as well as -bad. At all events, I liked it so well I bought -it.”</p> - -<p>Roget studied the picture for a moment, but -without enthusiasm.</p> - -<p>“Yes,” he said. “Obviously you’ve influenced -her already, or she’s known your work for some -time.”</p> - -<p>“I don’t think it’s so obvious,” protested the -other. “There’s personal insight in that modelling, -and it has a back to it. Anyway, she’s -young. Fact is, there’s something really unusual -about the girl. I fancy she had things her own -way at one time. The marks are there, overlaid -by experience since.”</p> - -<p>“Of course,” laughed Roget quietly, “it makes -a difference if you know the young lady.”</p> - -<p>“Hang it, my dear fellow, the girl is poor. Has -two children, and a husband who may be talented -and may be a fool. But he’s certainly no support.”</p> - -<p>“Charity and art do not mix, old man.”</p> - -<p>“The hell they don’t,” replied Osprey testily. -“But as you say, one must see for oneself. You<span class="pagenum" id="Page_237">[237]</span> -are going to make Mrs. Harlindew’s acquaintance, -and whatever you think of charity, you will buy a -picture from her as a favour to me. Not too soon, -you understand, and not too obtrusively. She -shied at me frightfully when I bought this one. -I had to tell her that I had made quite a collection -of the work of promising beginners for reasons of -my own.”</p> - -<p>Roget found his friend nearly always transparent. -Ten years ago he would have said there -was considerably more than the mere fervour of -the artist in this championship. But he had since -become acquainted with a wholly new side of the -man, and it was difficult to believe him capable -of losing his head over a pretty bride who happened -to rent his house.</p> - -<p>“You say she is married?” he contented himself -with asking, dryly.</p> - -<p>A flicker of humorous comprehension passed -over the other’s face.</p> - -<p>“Yes,” he replied shortly, “but the fellow neglects -her.”</p> - -<p>Roget’s manner became once more indulgent.</p> - -<p>“Well, I shall try to buy this picture. I don’t -know what to do with it after I get it. There are -mighty few pictures worth buying. Perhaps not -more than twenty in the world.”</p> - -<p>He dismissed the subject and sat down at Osprey’s -piano. His study of the instrument had -come late, in young manhood. Lacking any great<span class="pagenum" id="Page_238">[238]</span> -musical scholarship or conventional training, he -nevertheless played whatever he had heard that -pleased him, with extraordinary tenderness and -effect.</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_239">[239]</span> - -<h2 class="nobreak">XXIV</h2> -</div> - -<p><span class="smcap">For</span> Moira the summer grew increasingly fruitful, -and, in a reflective way, full of satisfactions, -despite the continued absences of Miles. A profound -sympathy came over her, which she did not -remember to have experienced before, for the -average discontented wife, who had to endure this -sort of thing with empty hands and no refuge of -the spirit in which to lose herself.... That could -never be the case with her.</p> - -<p>It is true that she would have been less serene -were it not for the fact that she had found companionship -that answered a real want. Osprey -had none of the qualifications of the teacher, and -his criticisms struck deep. If she had been -younger and greener they might only have puzzled -and not helped her, but now she welcomed -surgery and destruction. Her own hard years of -unaided application rendered her capable of understanding -his language remarkably well, and -she was ready to discard and forget everything -she had ever known.</p> - -<p>Their discussions were often continued after -brushes were laid aside. She accepted invitations -to tea in the studio or sat on his terrace on warm -nights after the children were asleep. The long<span class="pagenum" id="Page_240">[240]</span> -drawn out culmination of her relationship to -Miles had given her the habit of self-analysis, -and she laughed somewhat over the appeal that -Osprey made to her as a man. She could not -deny that it was the same that originally had -drawn her to her husband. She dealt here with -a greater Miles, wiser and more experienced. -Nevertheless, she sensed in him the type that was -not self-sufficient, that required sympathy of a -subtle kind, and required it, when found, with -an intensity that in this case was beginning -to prove hypnotic to her. Unquestionably Potter -Osprey was gradually becoming a necessary part -of her life, and this was not her fault but his. She -had hinted at, more than revealed, the state of -affairs between herself and Miles. It was impossible -not to do so, appearances being what they -were; and the older man’s complete understanding -coupled with hesitation to advise, was a soothing -remedy to her hurts.</p> - -<p>The attraction which was growing between herself -and Osprey was totally different from her -feeling for his friend, Roget, with whom she had -become acquainted. The distinguished producer -treated her with bantering equality from the start. -It was as if they recognized a likeness to each -other in essential strength, and the hesitation, -almost anxiety, which Roget had felt over the -painter’s passionate adoption of Moira’s cause -disappeared on knowing her. He began to think<span class="pagenum" id="Page_241">[241]</span> -of the whole affair as a pleasant and lasting alliance -for his friend, of some sort, and he little -doubted of what sort it would be. Obstacles there -were, which he did not concern himself with. -Once a possibility took life in Roget’s brain, obstacles -did not exist. He had seen too many large -ones swept aside.</p> - -<p>To Moira, the obstacles were more significant, -and yet they had diminished amazingly in the last -three months. The prospect that Osprey would -take their friendship seriously did have about it a -quality of dark adventure which made even her -steady pulses jump uncomfortably. But to the -young woman who sees her marriage being slowly -broken up before her eyes, while she is helpless -to restore it, everything is touched by the shimmer -of madness. And she asked herself what could -have been more mad, more out of all normal reason, -than her whole life? Moreover, she had a -firm support now, one that gave her the strength -to adventure—her art. The intimation had visited -her at last that she might triumph in it; and, -having reached that certainty, she felt it a more -present help than coffers heaped with gold.... -The picture which Roget had tried to buy she -laughingly refused to sell him, but he had countered -with a problem in stage design which he -promised to accept if it offered a suggestion to -work on. Here was a beginning, at least.</p> - -<p>Her children ... it was strange how she felt<span class="pagenum" id="Page_242">[242]</span> -toward them, how little she feared for them. Certainly -they were to be shielded, but also they were -not to be deceived about the life into which they -had been brought. The truth would not hurt them.</p> - -<p>It was late in September that Moira received -the letter from Miles saying that he had left and -would not return. The letter was a mixture of -unhappy self-accusation, and charges against her -for various shortcomings, chief of which appeared -to be that she had become self-sufficient -and had accepted assistance from others. She -thought he might have spared her that, as well as -the taunt about her preoccupation with Osprey.... -She had expected a parting shot of some kind, -yet when it came it was a painful blow, and she -spent a week brooding over it and wholly beside -herself.</p> - -<p>During this week Osprey saw nothing of her, -and when she came up the hill one evening to join -him, he revealed in his eagerness what the deprivation -had meant. He led her to a seat, fussed -about her comfort and lighted her cigarette.</p> - -<p>“I’ve been ill,” she said. “I go off and hide -when that happens, like an animal. Now I’m -well.”</p> - -<p>“Ill?” he asked, disturbed. He reflected that -he should have been less squeamish and forced a -visit upon her. He had never done just that. Invitations, -dropped at chance meetings or at the -end of discussions while they worked had been<span class="pagenum" id="Page_243">[243]</span> -enough. This time he had gone a little further, -approached her door on an impulse twice, but -stopped before making his presence known. -“But,” he resumed, “Nana didn’t tell me about -your being ill. Did she take care of you?”</p> - -<p>Moira knew what was in his mind. While she -had been ill, her husband had not been at home.</p> - -<p>“Well,” she confessed lightly, “ill is not -strictly true. I’ve been just out of sorts. I had -some news, but it doesn’t matter.”</p> - -<p>“Good. I’m glad you’re feeling better. Particularly, -as Nana tells me, you’re expecting a -guest to-morrow.”</p> - -<p>“Yes, an old friend, a Mr. Blaydon. An old -schoolmate, really, who has been very kind to -us.”</p> - -<p>“I wonder if you wouldn’t bring him and Mr. -Harlindew to dinner to-morrow night? I shall be -delighted to have you all; and as for Nana, she -suggested it herself.”</p> - -<p>Miles had always been included in Osprey’s formal -invitations, whether present or not, and had, -in fact, attended once and contributed not unpleasantly -to the evening.</p> - -<p>“I’m afraid I can’t promise for my husband,” -said Moira slowly.</p> - -<p>“H’m. That’s too bad. But I can count on you -and your friend, Mr. Blaydon, anyway?”</p> - -<p>“I should love to bring him,” she replied and -paused.... It was better, she thought, to have<span class="pagenum" id="Page_244">[244]</span> -matters understood.... “My husband ... -won’t come back here,” she went on. “He has -left me.”</p> - -<p>“It was that,” he asked kindly, “the news you -had?”</p> - -<p>“Yes, he wrote me a letter.”</p> - -<p>Osprey spoke quietly but she was conscious of -the emotion in his voice.</p> - -<p>“And you will accept that? You will not seek -him, try to bring him back?”</p> - -<p>“No,” she replied. “Too much has happened -before this. It is over.”</p> - -<p>“You poor girl. You’ve suffered over it.”</p> - -<p>“I put a good deal into it.... But this had to -happen. Miles must have no ties.”</p> - -<p>Osprey’s animation returned and he spoke in -a more impersonal tone.</p> - -<p>“Perhaps you’re right. I think the young man -has not grown up in spite of his years. But he -may find himself. They have a kind of strength, -fellows like that, a kind of terrible strength that -no one suspects. I’ve seen his type before. -The fact is,” he added, with a half-serious smile, -“I’ve been something of the sort myself. It’s -often hard to locate the origin of a fool’s folly, -but I think in my case it was an experience I had -when I was a boy. It wasn’t a peccadillo with me. -It haunted me for years, so much that I can’t -talk freely about it to this day. It made life a -desperate adventure; it was at the back of most<span class="pagenum" id="Page_245">[245]</span> -of my troubles....” He laughed. “I seem like -an old fool to be telling you all this. And truly -my nightmares appear absurd to me now.”</p> - -<p>Moira laughed a little bitterly. “Something -happened to me too when I was young.... But -I am free.... I tore myself free from it.”</p> - -<p>“I thought so,” he said gently. “There is a -great difference in our ages, but if I may say so, -we seem to have—well, had something alike to -face in life. No, I do not mean just that—it’s presumptuous. -I have never, I think, before met any -woman quite like you. Strength and the genius -for insight, such as yours, rarely meet in the same -body.”</p> - -<p>A hungry intensity in his words escaped him -unawares. Though he had spoken nothing of significance, -the feeling that shook him reached her -through the dusk with sinister force. She had -felt the same thing before and had had a momentary -impulse to run, to break free from it. She -did not want to be subjected to another tyranny -of her emotions.... Yet she had reasoned with -herself. Here was a future that could in every -sense be ideal, a man with whom she had everything -in common and whom she knew she could -trust....</p> - -<p>A moment later he changed the subject and she -was glad.</p> - -<p>“By the way,” he said, “why not have your -guest stay over, if he will? You know I’ve extra<span class="pagenum" id="Page_246">[246]</span> -bedrooms, and there is no reason why he should -not occupy one as long as he likes.”</p> - -<p>It was a point that had worried and embarrassed -her, and she was inexpressibly pleased that -he had thought of it.</p> - -<p>“You’re too good,” she said fervently, “and I -would love to keep him.”</p> - -<p>They chatted on over impersonal shallows until -the time came for her to return to the cottage.</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_247">[247]</span> - -<h2 class="nobreak">XXV</h2> -</div> - -<p><span class="smcap">As</span> she left him that night she wondered if -her conscience troubled her. She was certainly -encouraging Osprey. Standing in her own sitting -room, she recalled vividly how, when he took her -hand in good-night, she had felt the fierce stream -that poured through him, and her very silence had -given him permission to unburden himself. She -was thankful for his restraint. Moreover her -silence had been the result of pleasure, and not -mere lack of words. How little she had known -of anything quite so contained and yet so overpowering -in Miles.... She could respond to -that, she knew: she had only to yield a little and -she could respond.</p> - -<p>The thought of Osprey in this personal sense, -of some one beside her husband in a personal -sense, caused her to realize how much importance -she had gone on attaching to Miles. How ridiculous -and womanly of her! she reflected. Miles had -taken his departure, and yet she had not until -now seemed quite to believe in it. Perhaps even -yet she did not believe in it. She had told Osprey -that it was over; she kept repeating to herself that -it was over. Everything pointed to it, Harlindew’s -own unequivocal statement and her angry<span class="pagenum" id="Page_248">[248]</span> -resentment of the manner of his desertion, particularly -his letter. But in her real consciousness -she had continued to expect his return ... during -the whole of her talk with Osprey, Miles had -been present as a reality—a definite bar—in her -thought.</p> - -<p>But now a new thing happened to her. She -suddenly faced her whole life spread out before -her as on a single canvas, or rather as a continuing -panorama—and not just one small segment of -it. Miles had not been her whole life; he had been -but a part. He might have continued to be that -part indefinitely and still not become her whole -life. She had been magnifying him until she had -lost sight of the rest, all that other strange web -of adventure and catastrophe which had included -her birth, her childhood, her love for Hal, her -tragic discovery, her runaway, her struggle to -help herself.... That would go on, no matter -what happened, whether Miles returned or stayed -away, and it would go on according to her own -terms.</p> - -<p>The notion of herself as an entity, surviving, -growing, separate and alone, filled her for the first -time with a curious excitement. It released so -many fresh and irresistible currents within her. -She began to think more consciously of other men, -of Potter Osprey in particular. She rose and -went out into the orchard. The painter had had -constructed a table and seats for them earlier in<span class="pagenum" id="Page_249">[249]</span> -the summer, and she sat down in one of the gaily -painted stationary benches which gave the children -so much pleasure. They recalled to her his -scores of other attentions; the flowers and delicacies -of one sort or another which he had sent -down regularly by Nana, his numerous subterfuges -to help her with money, the little comforts -that he had added to the house, his presents -to young Miles and Joanna. These things, of -which her husband—most younger men indeed—would -never have thought, were dear to her. And -once he had hinted, in a joking manner, of “leaving -her the cottage” in his will.</p> - -<p>“You can’t tell—I may be knocked off some -day,” he had said. “I’ve become such an absentminded -countryman that I’m always a little surprised -to find myself alive after crossing a New -York street.”</p> - -<p>She had turned such overtures off with pleasantries, -which they deserved, and yet she had entertained -them; they had wooed her and become a -part of her dilatory dreaming. As she sat there -in the caressingly cool night she felt this keenly; -she felt a sense of permanency and peace under -the protecting boughs of the orchard. She could -not remember such a feeling since long ago at -Thornhill.</p> - -<p>She rose reluctantly and went into the house. -Unquestionably she had reached a point where -she could regard Osprey’s passion without disturbance;<span class="pagenum" id="Page_250">[250]</span> -and yet she longed for a temporary -refuge from it, knowing that at any moment they -might be brought together by some turn of the -conversation such as that to-night and his reserve -would give way. She wanted to escape that contingency -for a long time, to think out her relationship -to the future. But she had no reasonable -means or excuse to flee. Her plans had not been -made for the winter, and according to their informal -agreement she was to remain in the cottage -another month.</p> - -<p>Robert Blaydon’s visit furnished a safe diversion -for three days. She was able to keep him -that long through the insistent hospitality of Osprey, -and the fact that the two took a strong -liking to each other. They sat up late together -in the studio one night over a fine brand of Scotch -whisky which Blaydon had brought with him, and -the younger man submitted amiably to a questioning -about Moira which disclosed little more than -that he had been her boyhood companion at one -time, and her circumstances had once been opulent. -He told Osprey, however, that he had heard -his own name often.</p> - -<p>“Yes?” inquired his host. “Well, perhaps -that’s natural, as you say we have been fellow -townsmen.”</p> - -<p>“Fact is,” replied Blaydon, “I’ve an aunt out -there who has become vastly interested in painters,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_251">[251]</span> -in her old age, and I’ve heard her speak of -you. A Mrs. Seymour.”</p> - -<p>“Don’t ask me to remember names back home,” -laughed Osprey. “You would think me a pretty -determined exile if I told you how long it had -been since I was there.”</p> - -<p>“In any case, she’ll be much excited when I tell -her that I have met you,” said the other, reflecting -on the humour and difficulty of his situation, -in which discretion constrained him with Osprey -from telling Moira’s connection to his aunt, and -with his aunt from telling Moira’s connection -with Osprey.</p> - -<p>“Mysteries are a damned nuisance among such -likeable people,” he concluded to himself. “I -hope this one gets cleared up some day.” And -his conviction was that it would.</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_252">[252]</span> - -<h2 class="nobreak">XXVI</h2> -</div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Moira</span> awoke late, long after Potter Osprey had -departed for the city, where he was to meet Roget -and return with him in the car sometime that -night.</p> - -<p>It was her last week in the cottage. A few days -after the departure of Rob Blaydon for the west, -Elsie Jennings had paid her a visit and talked. -Miles Harlindew was living with a young woman -in the Village. There was a rumour of their going -to Europe together.... Moira suppressed a -twinge at this, in which at first there was more -of sardonic humour than of pain. The pain came -sharply afterward, but it did not remain long this -time, and it left her at last aloof. She no longer -felt the vestige of an obstacle to following her -own inclinations, and she also had no further defence -against Osprey’s attentions.</p> - -<p>The growth of understanding between them -was almost wordless, monosyllabic. It made her -intensely happy to discover in his eyes how much -she was bringing to him. A long time would have -to elapse before she could give a worthy response -to that emotion, but she felt that it would -come....</p> - -<p>The troublesome details of her future were -therefore on this morning a matter of no concern<span class="pagenum" id="Page_253">[253]</span> -to her at all. What filled her with delight was the -immediate present. Never had she seen such -weather as that October day, or if she had, never -before had she been alive to its innumerable aspects -at once. After the dubiousness and suffering -of the past few weeks she felt both older and -younger, both cleansed by experience and ready -for more to come. Her whole womanly being was -gathering itself for something new, and she meant -to grasp it to the full. The ship’s engines were -throbbing in her blood and the open sea lay beyond, -but her hand was firm on the wheel....</p> - -<p>It was a day to idle, one of those days when the -children were positively in the way and work impossible. -It was a day of heady egoism, of reveling -in her securely felt advantages, and a certain -sense of having won the spurs of lawlessness. -She would be restless until to-morrow when the -men came. What fine friends they were!</p> - -<p>It was eleven o’clock, and, following her usual -custom, she walked down to the grey metal box in -which both her own mail and that of the Osprey -house was deposited. She half expected to hear -from Rob Blaydon who had promised to write -her from Thornhill.</p> - -<p>She ran through the letters quickly. There -were none for her, but she went back to look again -at a large envelope addressed to Osprey. She -supposed she had done this simply because it was -larger than the others and extended out around<span class="pagenum" id="Page_254">[254]</span> -them while she held them in her hand. But there -had been another reason, as she discovered on -second examination. The handwriting was familiar....</p> - -<p>She realized in fact that she was looking at the -handwriting of Mathilda Seymour. She could not -have mistaken it, even with nothing else to guide -her, but there was the postmark of her city. -She turned the envelope over, only to find confirmation -in the return address.</p> - -<p>She caught herself almost in the gesture of -tearing it open. Her first thought had been that -it was her letter, no matter whom it was addressed -to. But she stopped herself in time. She could -not open Potter Osprey’s letter. She wondered -that she could have had the impulse to do so. Yet, -as if she feared the temptation would be too -strong, she kept repeating to herself, “I must not -open it, I must not open it....” The temptation -passed and did not return, but her disturbance -and her curiosity were more stubborn.</p> - -<p>It was almost uncanny that Mathilda should be -writing to Potter Osprey....</p> - -<p>But was it? Now she remembered he had told -her the place of his birth—a mere conversational -allusion, which she had passed over quickly, not -wishing to discuss the city. It had surprised her -mildly; then she had recalled in passing that -years ago there had been some people named Osprey -whom she never knew. Could Mathilda have<span class="pagenum" id="Page_255">[255]</span> -known them? Could she have known the painter, -perhaps in his youth? It was unlikely; she had -never mentioned the name in Moira’s hearing.</p> - -<p>There was nothing to be gained on that tack, -and soon she was off on a more fruitful one. Rob -Blaydon had told her about Mathilda’s new hobbies, -one of them helping young artists, another -buying pictures for the city museum. She had -drifted out of social life and interested herself in -a little club, not very prosperous, where the artists -of the city met.</p> - -<p>Here was a possible even a probable, explanation. -Osprey was a native painter, who had -gained reputation elsewhere. He had been a -struggling boy at home, and what could be -more natural than that Mathilda should decide -the city must be enriched by one of his works? Or -if this was not exactly the case, there were a dozen -other reasons why, on behalf of the club of which -Rob had spoken, she might be communicating with -him.</p> - -<p>The reason was enough for Moira, or at least -she made it suffice. She would find out the truth -before long, and in any case it could not concern -herself. For it was incredible to her that Rob, in -the face of their definite understanding, had mentioned -her at home. “At home!” How naturally -she used the phrase. Well, there was much to be -cleared up—both there and here. She troubled -herself no more about the letter. She laid it with<span class="pagenum" id="Page_256">[256]</span> -the others on Osprey’s table, took the children up -to Nana to look after, and went off for a long -walk. By ten o’clock that night she was in bed -asleep.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The two men drove up to the farmhouse, in accordance -with their plan, at about two o’clock in -the morning in Roget’s car. They lingered in the -hall and studio for a few moments and went upstairs, -the painter taking his mail with him.</p> - -<p>Some hours later the same sound woke not only -Roget, but Moira, down in the cottage. It was a -sharp report, and her first clear thought was that -a passing automobile had back-fired, perhaps -Emmet Roget’s, just arriving. She sat up for a -time listening and then prepared to sleep again. -Some one knocked on the outside door.</p> - -<p>It was the producer, looking ominous as he -stood in the half darkness, in a long black dressing -gown.</p> - -<p>“Mrs. Harlindew, an accident has happened,” -he said gravely. “I think, perhaps, I had better -ask you to step up to the house with me.”</p> - -<p>She went with him up the steep bank, thoroughly -unnerved. His hold on her arm was firm -and decidedly helpful on the rough path. They -passed through the lower part of the house and -upstairs without a word. She knew before she -arrived what had happened and dared not ask -the question on her lips.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_257">[257]</span>Osprey lay on his bed dressed, with a small, -old-fashioned revolver in his hand. He was not -breathing. The round, bleeding wound was near -one temple. On the table beside him lay a photograph -of herself, face up, the face of a half-smiling -girl of eighteen. Beside it was Mathilda’s -letter. Moira snatched the letter and read, at -first rapidly, then very attentively and slowly. -“My dear Mr. Osprey,” it began:</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>You will not remember an old woman of -your native city, but I used to meet your -father at the Round Robin Club long ago and -admired his wit and character. I was even -introduced to you once, when you were a very -little boy. You had been left there one night -to be taken home. Since then, of course, I -have followed, though at a distance, your -progress in the world as an artist. But it -is not merely to presume on this slender acquaintance -that I write to you.</p> - -<p>I have a strange story to tell. There has -lived in this house for thirty years, ostensibly -as a servant but in fact more a companion -and friend to me, a woman named Ellen Sydney. -She came to my house as Mrs. Ellen -Williams and brought with her a baby daughter, -whom she called Moira. I adopted this -child and raised her and loved her as though -she had been my own. She believed she was<span class="pagenum" id="Page_258">[258]</span> -my own until her nineteenth year, when she -discovered the truth. She proved to be as -high-spirited as she was adorable, for although -her life here offered every advantage, -and was, I know, one long unclouded happiness, -she gave it up in a day on learning her -true parentage. I can understand that spirit -and yet I have suffered cruelly because of her -act. She left without a word, effacing every -trace of herself, and from that day to this I -have never been able to find her, though I -have made repeated efforts. I had little hope, -it is true, of persuading her to return even if -I did so, knowing her nature and her capacity -to carry out her own decisions.</p> - -<p>I am convinced she has spent a large part of -her life in New York, for at first, certain -communications came from her there. Furthermore -she loved the study of art and could -only have followed it to her taste in that city. -She may still be there. For that reason I -write, thinking it possible if you have not met -her you will, and she will then have a friend -who has good reason to protect her. I am -sending the latest photograph I possess of -her.</p> - -<p>You will ask why I have never addressed -you before. It is because I have always hesitated -to ask Ellen the name of her child’s -father. Moira, herself, is in ignorance of it.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_259">[259]</span> -Only a month ago Ellen was persuaded, by -the arguments I have used above, to tell her -story to me in confidence, and now I write -with her consent. To complete the coincidence, -my nephew, Robert Blaydon, having -met you, has given me your address.</p> - -<p>You may be sure that should you ever meet -with your daughter or be able to send us -word of her, two lonely old women will be -grateful.</p> - -<p>I have considered that you may not be the -kind of man who will care to receive this letter, -but I do not believe that is possible. The -passage of time softens our errors and may -even turn them into blessings.</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="indentright">Yours very sincerely,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Mathilda Seymour</span>.</p> -</div> - -<p>Moira put down the letter and sank beside the -bed. She threw her arms over the figure that lay -there.</p> - -<p>“But, father,” she cried softly, “I could have -loved you as my father, too....”</p> - -<p>The tall figure of Roget was standing beside -her, with bent head, his penetrating glance, -full of profound compassion, searching the face -of his friend.</p> - -<p>“Perhaps he could not, Mrs. Harlindew,” he -said, as if thinking aloud.</p> - -<p class="center">THE END</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<div class="transnote"> -<p class="ph1">TRANSCRIBER’S NOTES:</p> - -<p>Obvious typographical errors have been corrected.</p> - -<p>Inconsistencies in hyphenation have been standardized.</p> - -<p>Archaic or variant spelling has been retained.</p> -</div></div> -<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BLINDFOLD ***</div> -<div style='text-align:left'> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will -be renamed. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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