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margin:1em 0'> -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online -at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you -are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the -country where you are located before using this eBook. -</div> - -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: Europe and elsewhere</p> -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Mark Twain</p> -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Contributors: Brander Matthews</p> -<p style='display:block; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em;'>Albert Bigelow Paine</p> -<p style='display:block; text-indent:0; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: July 24, 2022 [eBook #68604]</p> -<p style='display:block; text-indent:0; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</p> - <p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em; text-align:left'>Produced by: KD Weeks, Emmanuel Ackerman and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive)</p> -<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK EUROPE AND ELSEWHERE ***</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> -<div class='tnotes'> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>Transcriber’s Note:</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c001'>The few footnotes have been collected at the end of each chapter, and are -linked for ease of reference.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Minor errors, attributable to the printer, have been corrected. Please -see the transcriber’s <a href='#endnote'>note</a> at the end of this text -for details regarding the handling of any textual issues encountered -during its preparation.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The title and author, as well as the publication date, have been -added to the image of the front cover.</p> - -<div class='htmlonly'> - -<p class='c001'>Any corrections are indicated using an <ins class='correction' title='original'>underline</ins> -highlight. Placing the cursor over the correction will produce the -original text in a small popup.</p> - -<div class='figcenter id001'> -<img src='images/cover.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -</div> -<div class='epubonly'> - -<p class='c001'>Any corrections are indicated as hyperlinks, which will navigate the -reader to the corresponding entry in the corrections table in the -note at the end of the text.</p> - -</div> - -</div> -<div> - <h1 class='c002'>EUROPE AND ELSEWHERE</h1> -</div> -<div class='figcenter id002'> -<img src='images/i_half_title.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='figcenter id003'> -<img src='images/frontispiece.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' /> -<div class='ic003'> -<p><span class='small'>AND I ROSE TO RECEIVE MY GUEST, AND BRACED MYSELF FOR THE<br />THUNDERCRASH AND THE BRIMSTONE STENCH WHICH<br />SHOULD ANNOUNCE HIS ARRIVAL</span></p> -</div> -</div> -<div class='c003'>(<i>See p. <a href='#Page_326'>326</a></i>)</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c004'> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>EUROPE</span></div> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>AND ELSEWHERE</span></div> - <div class='c005'>By</div> - <div class='c000'><span class='xlarge'>MARK TWAIN</span></div> - <div class='c000'>WITH AN APPRECIATION BY</div> - <div><span class='large'>BRANDER MATTHEWS</span></div> - <div>AND AN INTRODUCTION BY</div> - <div><span class='large'>ALBERT BIGELOW PAINE</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='figcenter id004'> -<img src='images/title_page.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div><span class='large'>HARPER & BROTHERS, PUBLISHERS</span></div> - <div>NEW YORK AND LONDON</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c004'> - <div><span class='pageno' id='Page_I'>I</span>EUROPE AND ELSEWHERE</div> - </div> -</div> - -<hr class='c006' /> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>Copyright, 1923</div> - <div>By The Mark Twain Company</div> - <div>Printed in the U.S.A.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<hr class='c006' /> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div><i>First Edition</i></div> - <div><span class='small'>E-X</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_v'>v</span> - <h2 class='c007'>CONTENTS</h2> -</div> - -<table class='table0' summary=''> -<colgroup> -<col width='14%' /> -<col width='78%' /> -<col width='7%' /> -</colgroup> - <tr> - <td class='c008'><span class='small'>CHAP.</span></td> - <td class='c008'> </td> - <td class='c009'><span class='small'>PAGE</span></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'> </td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>An Appreciation</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_vii'>vii</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'> </td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>Introduction</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_xxxi'>xxxi</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>I.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>A Memorable Midnight Experience</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_1'>1</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>II.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>Two Mark Twain Editorials</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_14'>14</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>III.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>The Temperance Crusade and Woman’s Rights</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_24'>24</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>IV.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>O’Shah</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_31'>31</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>V.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>A Wonderful Pair of Slippers</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_87'>87</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>VI.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>Aix, the Paradise of the Rheumatics</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_94'>94</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>VII.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>Marienbad--A Health Factory</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_113'>113</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>VIII.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>Down the Rhône</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_129'>129</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>IX.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>The Lost Napoleon</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_169'>169</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>X.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>Some National Stupidities</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_175'>175</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>XI.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>The Cholera Epidemic in Hamburg</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_186'>186</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>XII.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>Queen Victoria’s Jubilee</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_193'>193</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>XIII.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>Letters to Satan</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_211'>211</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>XIV.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>A Word of Encouragement for Our Blushing Exiles</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_221'>221</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>XV.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>Dueling</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_225'>225</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>XVI.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>Skeleton Plan of a Proposed Casting Vote Party</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_233'>233</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>XVII.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>The United States of Lyncherdom</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_239'>239</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>XVIII.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>To the Person Sitting in Darkness</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_250'>250</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>XIX.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>To My Missionary Critics</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_273'>273</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>XX.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>Thomas Brackett Reed</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_297'>297</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>XXI.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>The Finished Book</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_299'>299</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>XXII.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>As Regards Patriotism</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_301'>301</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>XXIII.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>Dr. Loeb’s Incredible Discovery</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_304'>304</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>XXIV.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>The Dervish and the Offensive Stranger</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_310'>310</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>XXV.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>Instructions in Art</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_315'>315</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>XXVI.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>Sold to Satan</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_326'>326</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>XXVII.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>That Day in Eden</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_339'>339</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>XXVIII.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>Eve Speaks</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_347'>347</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>XXIX.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>Samuel Erasmus Moffett</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_351'>351</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>XXX.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>The New Planet</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_355'>355</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>XXXI.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>Marjorie Fleming, the Wonder Child</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_358'>358</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>XXXII.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>Adam’s Soliloquy</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_377'>377</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>XXXIII.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>Bible Teaching and Religious Practice</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_387'>387</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>XXXIV.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>The War Prayer</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_394'>394</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>XXXV.</td> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>Corn-pone Opinions</span></td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#Page_399'>399</a></td> - </tr> -</table> -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_vii'>vii</span> - <h2 class='c007'>AN APPRECIATION</h2> -</div> -<hr class='c010' /> - -<p class='c001'>(This “Biographical Criticism” was prepared by Prof. -Brander Matthews, as an introduction to the Uniform Edition -of Mark Twain’s Works, published in 1899).</p> - -<p class='c011'>It is a common delusion of those who discuss contemporary -literature that there is such an entity -as the “reading public,” possessed of a certain uniformity -of taste. There is not one public; there are -many publics--as many, in fact, as there are different -kinds of taste; and the extent of an author’s popularity -is in proportion to the number of these separate -publics he may chance to please. Scott, for example, -appealed not only to those who relished -romance and enjoyed excitement, but also to those -who appreciated his honest portrayal of sturdy characters. -Thackeray is preferred by ambitious youth -who are insidiously flattered by his tacit compliments -to their knowledge of the world, by the disenchanted -who cannot help seeing the petty meannesses of society, -and by the less sophisticated in whom sentiment -has not gone to seed in sentimentality. Dickens in -his own day bid for the approval of those who liked -broad caricature (and were therefore pleased with -Stiggins and Chadband), of those who fed greedily -on plentiful pathos (and were therefore delighted -with the deathbeds of Smike and Paul Dombey and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_viii'>viii</span>Little Nell) and also of those who asked for unexpected -adventure (and were therefore glad to disentangle -the melodramatic intrigues of Ralph -Nickleby).</p> - -<p class='c001'>In like manner the American author who has -chosen to call himself Mark Twain has attained to an -immense popularity because the qualities he possesses -in a high degree appeal to so many and so -widely varied publics--first of all, no doubt, to the -public that revels in hearty and robust fun, but also -to the public which is glad to be swept along by the -full current of adventure, which is sincerely touched -by manly pathos, which is satisfied by vigorous and -exact portrayal of character, and which respects -shrewdness and wisdom and sanity and a healthy -hatred of pretense and affectation and sham. Perhaps -no one book of Mark Twain’s--with the possible -exception of <cite>Huckleberry Finn</cite>--is equally a -favorite with all his readers; and perhaps some of -his best characteristics are absent from his earlier -books or but doubtfully latent in them. Mark -Twain is many sided; and he has ripened in knowledge -and in power since he first attracted attention -as a wild Western funny man. As he has grown -older he has reflected more; he has both broadened -and deepened. The writer of “comic copy” for a -mining-camp newspaper has developed into a liberal -humorist, handling life seriously and making his -readers think as he makes them laugh, until to-day -Mark Twain has perhaps the largest audience of any -author now using the English language. To trace -the stages of this evolution and to count the steps -<span class='pageno' id='Page_ix'>ix</span>whereby the sagebrush reporter has risen to the rank -of a writer of world-wide celebrity, is as interesting -as it is instructive.</p> - -<h3 class='c012'>I</h3> - -<p class='c013'>Samuel Langhorne Clemens was born November -30, 1835, at Florida, Missouri. His father was a -merchant who had come from Tennessee and who -removed soon after his son’s birth to Hannibal, a -little town on the Mississippi. What Hannibal was -like and what were the circumstances of Mr. Clemen’s -boyhood we can see for ourselves in the convincing -pages of <cite>Tom Sawyer</cite>. Mr. Howells has -called Hannibal “a loafing, out-at-elbows, down-at-the-heels, -slave-holding Mississippi town”; and -Mr. Clemens, who silently abhorred slavery, was of -a slave-owning family.</p> - -<p class='c001'>When the future author was but twelve his father -died, and the son had to get his education as best -he could. Of actual schooling he got little and of -book learning still less, but life itself is not a bad -teacher for a boy who wants to study, and young -Clemens did not waste his <a id='corrix.22'></a><span class='htmlonly'><ins class='correction' title='chances'>chances.</ins></span><span class='epubonly'><a href='#c_ix.22'><ins class='correction' title='chances'>chances.</ins></a></span> He spent six -years in the printing office of the little local paper,--for, -like not a few others on the list of <a id='corrix.24'></a><span class='htmlonly'><ins class='correction' title='Americnn'>American</ins></span><span class='epubonly'><a href='#c_ix.24'><ins class='correction' title='Americnn'>American</ins></a></span> -authors that stretches from Benjamin Franklin to -William Dean Howells, he began his connection with -literature by setting type. As a journeyman printer -the lad wandered from town to town and rambled -even as far east as New York.</p> - -<p class='c001'>When he was nineteen he went back to the home -of his boyhood and presently resolved to become a -<span class='pageno' id='Page_x'>x</span>pilot on the Mississippi. How he learned the river -he has told us in <cite>Life on the Mississippi</cite>, wherein his -adventures, his experiences, and his impressions -while he was a cub pilot are recorded with a combination -of precise veracity and abundant humor -which makes the earlier chapters of that marvelous -book a most masterly fragment of autobiography. -The life of a pilot was full of interest and excitement -and opportunity, and what young Clemens saw and -heard and divined during the years when he was -going up and down the mighty river we may read in -the pages of <cite>Huckleberry Finn</cite> and <cite>Pudd’nhead -Wilson</cite>. But toward the end of the ’fifties the railroads -began to rob the river of its supremacy as a -carrier; and in the beginning of the ’sixties the Civil -War broke out and the Mississippi no longer went -unvexed to the sea. The skill, slowly and laboriously -acquired, was suddenly rendered useless, and at -twenty-five the young man found himself bereft of -his calling. As a border state, Missouri was sending -her sons into the armies of the Union and into the -armies of the Confederacy, while many a man stood -doubting, not knowing which way to turn. The ex-pilot -has given us the record of his very brief and -inglorious service as a soldier of the South. When -this escapade was swiftly ended, he went to the -Northwest with his brother, who had been appointed -Territorial Secretary of Nevada. Thus the man who -had been born on the borderland of North and South, -who had gone East as a jour-printer, who had been -again and again up and down the Mississippi, now -went West while he was still plastic and impressionable; -<span class='pageno' id='Page_xi'>xi</span>and he had thus another chance to increase -that intimate knowledge of American life and -American character which is one of the most precious -of his possessions.</p> - -<p class='c001'>While still on the river he had written a satiric -letter or two which found their way into print. In -Nevada he went to the mines and lived the life -he has described in <cite>Roughing It</cite>, but when he failed -to “strike it rich,” he naturally drifted into journalism -and back into a newspaper office again. The -<cite>Virginia City Enterprise</cite> was not overmanned, and -the newcomer did all sorts of odd jobs, finding time -now and then to write a sketch which seemed important -enough to permit of his signature. He now -began to sign himself Mark Twain, taking the name -from a call of the man who heaves the lead on a -Mississippi River steamboat, and who cries, “By the -mark, three,” “Mark Twain,” and so on. The -name of Mark Twain soon began to be known to -those who were curious in newspaper humor. After -a while he was drawn across the mountains to San -Francisco, where he found casual employment on -the <cite>Morning Call</cite>, and where he joined himself to a -little group of aspiring <em>literators</em> which included Mr. -Bret Harte, Mr. Noah Brooks, Mr. Charles Henry -Webb, and Mr. Charles Warren Stoddard.</p> - -<p class='c001'>It was in 1867 that Mr. Webb published Mark -Twain’s first book, <cite>The Celebrated Jumping Frog of -Calaveras</cite>; and it was in 1867 that the proprietors -of the <cite>Alta California</cite> supplied him with the -funds necessary to enable him to become one of the -passengers on the steamer <i>Quaker City</i>, which had -<span class='pageno' id='Page_xii'>xii</span>been chartered to take a select party on what is now -known as the Mediterranean trip. The weekly letters, -in which he set forth what befell him on this -journey, were printed in the <cite>Alta</cite> Sunday after Sunday, -and were copied freely by the other Californian -papers. These letters served as the foundation of a -book published in 1869 and called <cite>The Innocents -Abroad</cite>, a book which instantly brought to the -author celebrity and cash.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Both of these valuable aids to ambition were increased -by his next step, his appearance on the -lecture platform. Mr. Noah Brooks, who was -present at his first attempt, has recorded that Mark -Twain’s “method as a lecturer was distinctly unique -and novel. His slow, deliberate drawl, the anxious -and perturbed expression of his visage, the apparently -painful effort with which he framed his sentences, -the surprise that spread over his face when -the audience roared with delight or rapturously applauded -the finer passages of his word painting, were -unlike anything of the kind they had ever known.” -In the thirty years since that first appearance the -method has not changed, although it has probably -matured. Mark Twain is one of the most effective -of platform speakers and one of the most artistic, -with an art of his own which is very individual and -very elaborate in spite of its seeming simplicity.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Although he succeeded abundantly as a lecturer, -and although he was the author of the most widely -circulated book of the decade, Mark Twain still -thought of himself only as a journalist; and when -he gave up the West for the East he became an -<span class='pageno' id='Page_xiii'>xiii</span>editor of the Buffalo <cite>Express</cite>, in which he had -bought an interest. In 1870 he married; and it is -perhaps not indiscreet to remark that his was -another of those happy unions of which there have -been so many in the annals of American authorship. -In 1871 he removed to Hartford, where his home -has been ever since; and at the same time he gave -up newspaper work.</p> - -<p class='c001'>In 1872 he wrote <cite>Roughing It</cite>, and in the following -year came his first sustained attempt at -fiction, <cite>The Gilded Age</cite>, written in collaboration -with Mr. Charles Dudley Warner. The character -of “Colonel Mulberry Sellers” Mark Twain soon -took out of this book to make it the central figure -of a play which the late John T. Raymond acted -hundreds of times throughout the United States, -the playgoing public pardoning the inexpertness of -the dramatist in favor of the delicious humor and the -compelling veracity with which the chief character -was presented. So universal was this type and so -broadly recognizable its traits that there were few -towns wherein the play was presented in which some -one did not accost the actor who impersonated the -ever-hopeful schemer to declare: “I’m the original -of Sellers! Didn’t Mark ever tell you? Well, he -took the Colonel from me!”</p> - -<p class='c001'>Encouraged by the welcome accorded to this first -attempt at fiction, Mark Twain turned to the days -of his boyhood and wrote <cite>Tom Sawyer</cite>, published -in 1875. He also collected his sketches, scattered -here and there in newspapers and magazines. Toward -the end of the ’seventies he went to Europe -<span class='pageno' id='Page_xiv'>xiv</span>again with his family; and the result of this journey -is recorded in <cite>A Tramp Abroad</cite>, published in 1880. -Another volume of sketches, <cite>The Stolen White -Elephant</cite>, was put forth in 1882; and in the same -year Mark Twain first came forward as a historical -novelist--if <cite>The Prince and the Pauper</cite> can fairly -be called a historical novel. The year after, he -sent forth the volume describing his <cite>Life on the -Mississippi</cite>; and in 1884 he followed this with the -story in which that life has been crystallized forever, -<cite>Huckleberry Finn</cite>, the finest of his books, the deepest -in its insight, and the widest in its appeal.</p> - -<p class='c001'>This Odyssey of the Mississippi was published by -a new firm, in which the author was a chief partner, -just as Sir Walter Scott had been an associate -of Ballantyne and Constable. There was at first -a period of prosperity in which the house issued -the <cite>Personal Memoirs</cite> of Grant, giving his widow -checks for $350,000 in 1886, and in which Mark -Twain himself published <cite>A Connecticut Yankee at -King Arthur’s Court</cite>, a volume of <cite>Merry Tales</cite>, and a -story called <cite>The American Claimant</cite>, wherein -“Colonel Sellers” reappears. Then there came a -succession of hard years; and at last the publishing -house in which Mark Twain was a partner failed, -as the publishing house in which Walter Scott was -a partner had formerly failed. The author of -<cite>Huckleberry Finn</cite> at sixty found himself suddenly -saddled with a load of debt, just as the author of -<cite>Waverley</cite> had been burdened full threescore years -earlier; and Mark Twain stood up stoutly under it, -as Scott had done before him. More fortunate than -<span class='pageno' id='Page_xv'>xv</span>the Scotchman, the American has lived to pay the -debt in full.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Since the disheartening crash came, he has given -to the public a third Mississippi River tale, <cite>Pudd’nhead -Wilson</cite>, issued in 1894; and a third historical -novel <cite>Joan of Arc</cite>, a reverent and sympathetic -study of the bravest figure in all French -history, printed anonymously in <cite>Harper’s Magazine</cite> -and then in a volume acknowledged by the author in -1896. As one of the results of a lecturing tour -around the world he prepared another volume of -travels, <cite>Following the Equator</cite>, published toward -the end of 1897. Mention must also be made of a -fantastic tale called <cite>Tom Sawyer Abroad</cite>, sent -forth in 1894, of a volume of sketches, <cite>The Million -Pound Bank-Note</cite>, assembled in 1893, and also -of a collection of literary essays, <cite>How to Tell a Story</cite>, -published in 1897.</p> - -<p class='c001'>This is but the barest outline of Mark Twain’s life--such -a brief summary as we must have before us -if we wish to consider the conditions under which the -author has developed and the stages of his growth. -It will serve, however, to show how various have -been his forms of activity--printer, pilot, miner, -journalist, traveler, lecturer, novelist, publisher--and -to suggest the width of his experience of life.</p> - -<h3 class='c012'>II</h3> - -<p class='c013'>A humorist is often without honor in his own -country. Perhaps this is partly because humor is -likely to be familiar, and familiarity breeds contempt. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_xvi'>xvi</span>Perhaps it is partly because (for some strange -reason) we tend to despise those who make us -laugh, while we respect those who make us weep--forgetting -that there are formulas for forcing tears -quite as facile as the formulas for forcing smiles. -Whatever the reason, the fact is indisputable that the -humorist must pay the penalty of his humor; he -must run the risk of being tolerated as a mere fun -maker, not to be taken seriously, and unworthy -of critical consideration. This penalty has been -paid by Mark Twain. In many of the discussions -of American literature he is dismissed as though -he were only a competitor of his predecessors, -Artemus Ward and John Phœnix, instead of being, -what he is really, a writer who is to be classed--at -whatever interval only time may decide--rather -with Cervantes and Molière.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Like the heroines of the problem plays of the -modern theater, Mark Twain has had to live down -his past. His earlier writing gave but little promise -of the enduring qualities obvious enough in his later -works. Mr. Noah Brooks has told us how he was -advised, if he wished to “see genuine specimens of -American humor, frolicsome, extravagant, and audacious,” -to look up the sketches which the then almost -unknown Mark Twain was printing in a Nevada -newspaper. The humor of Mark Twain is still -American, still frolicsome, extravagant, and audacious; -but it is riper now and richer, and it has taken -unto itself other qualities existing only in germ in -these firstlings of his muse. The sketches in <cite>The -Jumping Frog</cite> and the letters which made up <cite>The -<span class='pageno' id='Page_xvii'>xvii</span>Innocents Abroad</cite> are “comic copy,” as the phrase is -in newspaper offices--comic copy not altogether -unlike what John Phœnix had written and Artemus -Ward, better indeed than the work of these newspaper -humorists (for Mark Twain had it in him to develop -as they did not), but not essentially dissimilar.</p> - -<p class='c001'>And in the eyes of many who do not think for -themselves, Mark Twain is only the author of these -genuine specimens of American humor. For when -the public has once made up its mind about any -man’s work, it does not relish any attempt to force -it to unmake this opinion and to remake it. Like -other juries, it does not like to be ordered to reconsider -its verdict as contrary to the facts of the case. -It is always sluggish in beginning the necessary readjustment, -and not only sluggish, but somewhat -grudging. Naturally it cannot help seeing the later -works of a popular writer from the point of view it -had to take to enjoy his earlier writings. And thus -the author of <cite>Huckleberry Finn</cite> and <cite>Joan of Arc</cite> -is forced to pay a high price for the early and abundant -popularity of <cite>The Innocents Abroad</cite>.</p> - -<p class='c001'>No doubt, a few of his earlier sketches were inexpensive -in their elements; made of materials worn -threadbare by generations of earlier funny men, they -were sometimes cut in the pattern of his predecessors. -No doubt, some of the earliest of all were -crude and highly colored, and may even be called -forced, not to say violent. No doubt, also, they -did not suggest the seriousness and the melancholy -which always must underlie the deepest humor, as -we find it in Cervantes and Molière, in Swift and in -<span class='pageno' id='Page_xviii'>xviii</span>Lowell. But even a careless reader, skipping -through the book in idle amusement, ought to have -been able to see in <cite>The Innocents Abroad</cite> that the -writer of that liveliest of books of travel was no -mere merry-andrew, grinning through a horse collar -to make sport for the groundlings; but a sincere observer -of life, seeing through his own eyes and setting -down what he saw with abundant humor, of -course, but also with profound respect for the eternal -verities.</p> - -<p class='c001'>George Eliot in one of her essays calls those who -parody lofty themes “debasers of the moral currency.” -Mark Twain is always an advocate of the -sterling ethical standard. He is ready to overwhelm -an affectation with irresistible laughter, but he never -lacks reverence for the things that really deserve -reverence. It is not at the Old Masters that he -scoffs in Italy, but rather at those who pay lip service -to things which they neither enjoy nor understand. -For a ruin or a painting or a legend that does not -seem to him to deserve the appreciation in which -it is held he refuses to affect an admiration he does -not feel; he cannot help being honest--he was born -so. For meanness of all kinds he has a burning -contempt; and on Abelard he pours out the vials -of his wrath. He has a quick eye for all humbugs -and a scorching scorn for them; but there is no -attempt at being funny in the manner of the cockney -comedians when he stands in the awful presence -of the Sphinx. He is not taken in by the glamour -of Palestine; he does not lose his head there; he -keeps his feet: but he knows that he is standing on -<span class='pageno' id='Page_xix'>xix</span>holy ground; and there is never a hint of irreverence -in his attitude.</p> - -<p class='c001'><cite>A Tramp Abroad</cite> is a better book than <cite>The Innocents -Abroad</cite>; it is quite as laughter-provoking, -and its manner is far more restrained. Mark Twain -was then master of his method, sure of himself, -secure of his popularity; and he could do his best -and spare no pains to be certain that it was his -best. Perhaps there is a slight falling off in <cite>Following -the Equator</cite>; a trace of fatigue, of weariness, -of disenchantment. But the last book of -travels has passages as broadly humorous as any of -the first; and it proves the author’s possession of a -pithy shrewdness not to be suspected from a perusal -of its earliest predecessor. The first book was the -work of a young fellow rejoicing in his own fun and -resolved to make his readers laugh with him or at -him; the latest book is the work of an older man, -who has found that life is not all laughter, but whose eye -is as clear as ever and whose tongue is as plain-spoken.</p> - -<p class='c001'>These three books of travel are like all other books -of travel in that they relate in the first person what -the author went forth to see. Autobiographic also -are <cite>Roughing It</cite> and <cite>Life on the Mississippi</cite>, and -they have always seemed to me better books than -the more widely circulated travels. They are -better because they are the result of a more intimate -knowledge of the material dealt with. Every traveler -is of necessity but a bird of passage; he is a mere -carpetbagger; his acquaintance with the countries -he visits is external only; and this acquaintanceship -is made only when he is a full-grown man. But -<span class='pageno' id='Page_xx'>xx</span>Mark Twain’s knowledge of the Mississippi was acquired -in his youth; it was not purchased with a -price; it was his birthright; and it was internal and -complete. And his knowledge of the mining camp -was achieved in early manhood when the mind is -open and sensitive to every new impression. There -is in both these books a fidelity to the inner truth, -a certainty of touch, a sweep of vision, not to be -found in the three books of travels. For my own -part I have long thought that Mark Twain could -securely rest his right to survive as an author on -those opening chapters in <cite>Life on the Mississippi</cite> -in which he makes clear the difficulties, the seeming -impossibilities, that fronted those who wished to -learn the river. These chapters are bold and brilliant, -and they picture for us forever a period and a -set of conditions, singularly interesting and splendidly -varied, that otherwise would have had to forego -all adequate record.</p> - -<h3 class='c012'>III</h3> - -<p class='c013'>It is highly probable that when an author reveals -the power of evoking views of places and of calling -up portraits of people such as Mark Twain showed -in <cite>Life on the Mississippi</cite>, and when he has the -masculine grasp of reality Mark Twain made evident -in <cite>Roughing It</cite>, he must needs sooner or later turn -from mere fact to avowed fiction and become a -story-teller. The long stories which Mark Twain -has written fall into two divisions--first, those of -which the scene is laid in the present, in reality, and -mostly in the Mississippi Valley, and second, those -<span class='pageno' id='Page_xxi'>xxi</span>of which the scene is laid in the past, in fantasy -mostly, and in Europe.</p> - -<p class='c001'>As my own liking is a little less for the latter -group, there is no need for me now to linger over -them. In writing these tales of the past Mark Twain -was making up stories in his head; personally I prefer -the tales of his in which he has his foot firm on -reality. <cite>The Prince and the Pauper</cite> has the essence -of boyhood in it; it has variety and vigor; it has -abundant humor and plentiful pathos; and yet I -for one would give the whole of it for the single -chapter in which Tom Sawyer lets the contract for -whitewashing his aunt’s fence.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Mr. Howells has declared that there are two kinds -of fiction he likes almost equally well--“a real -novel and a pure romance”; and he joyfully accepts -<cite>A Connecticut Yankee at King Arthur’s Court</cite> as -“one of the greatest romances ever imagined.” -It is a humorous romance overflowing with stalwart -fun; and it is not irreverent, but iconoclastic, in that -it breaks not a few disestablished idols. It is intensely -American and intensely nineteenth century -and intensely democratic--in the best sense of that -abused adjective. The British critics were greatly -displeased with the book;--and we are reminded of -the fact that the Spanish still somewhat resent <cite>Don -Quixote</cite> because it brings out too truthfully the -fatal gap in the Spanish character between the ideal -and the real. So much of the feudal still survives in -British society that Mark Twain’s merry and elucidating -assault on the past seemed to some almost an -insult to the present.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_xxii'>xxii</span>But no critic, British or American, has ventured to -discover any irreverence in <cite>Joan of Arc</cite>, wherein, -indeed, the tone is almost devout and the humor -almost too much subdued. Perhaps it is my own -distrust of the so-called historical novel, my own disbelief -that it can ever be anything but an inferior -form of art, which makes me care less for this worthy -effort to honor a noble figure. And elevated and -dignified as is the <cite>Joan of Arc</cite>, I do not think that -it shows us Mark Twain at his best; although it -has many a passage that only he could have written, -it is perhaps the least characteristic of his works. -Yet it may well be that the certain measure of success -he has achieved in handling a subject so lofty and so -serious, will help to open the eyes of the public to -see the solid merits of his other stories, in which his -humor has fuller play and in which his natural gifts -are more abundantly displayed.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Of these other stories three are “real novels,” to -use Mr. Howells’s phrase; they are novels as real -as any in any literature. <cite>Tom Sawyer</cite> and <cite>Huckleberry -Finn</cite> and <cite>Pudd’nhead Wilson</cite> are invaluable -contributions to American literature--for American -literature is nothing if it is not a true picture of -American life and if it does not help us to understand -ourselves. <cite>Huckleberry Finn</cite> is a very amusing -volume, and a generation has read its pages and -laughed over it immoderately; but it is very much -more than a funny book; it is a marvelously accurate -portrayal of a whole civilization. Mr. Ormsby, in -an essay which accompanies his translation of <cite>Don -Quixote</cite>, has pointed out that for a full century -<span class='pageno' id='Page_xxiii'>xxiii</span>after its publication that greatest of novels was -enjoyed chiefly as a tale of humorous misadventure, -and that three generations had laughed over it -before anybody suspected that it was more than a -mere funny book. It is perhaps rather with the -picaresque romances of Spain that <cite>Huckleberry Finn</cite> -is to be compared than with the masterpiece of -Cervantes; but I do not think it will be a century -or take three generations before we Americans generally -discover how great a book <cite>Huckleberry Finn</cite> -really is, how keen its vision of character, how close -its observation of life, how sound its philosophy, and -how it records for us once and for all certain phases of -Southwestern society which it is most important for -us to perceive and to understand. The influence of -slavery, the prevalence of feuds, the conditions and -the circumstances that make lynching possible--all -these things are set before us clearly and without -comment. It is for us to draw our own moral, each -for himself, as we do when we see Shakespeare -acted.</p> - -<p class='c001'><cite>Huckleberry Finn</cite>, in its art, for one thing, and -also in its broader range, is superior to <cite>Tom Sawyer</cite> -and to <cite>Pudd’nhead Wilson</cite>, fine as both these are in -their several ways. In no book in our language, -to my mind, has the boy, simply as a boy, been -better realized than in <cite>Tom Sawyer</cite>. In some -respects <cite>Pudd’nhead Wilson</cite> is the most dramatic -of Mark Twain’s longer stories, and also the most -ingenious; like <cite>Tom Sawyer</cite> and <cite>Huckleberry Finn</cite>, -it has the full flavor of the Mississippi River, on -which its author spent his own boyhood, and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_xxiv'>xxiv</span>from contact with the soil of which he always rises -reinvigorated.</p> - -<p class='c001'>It is by these three stories, and especially by -<cite>Huckleberry Finn</cite>, that Mark Twain is likely to -live longest. Nowhere else is the life of the Mississippi -Valley so truthfully recorded. Nowhere else -can we find a gallery of Southwestern characters as -varied and as veracious as those Huck Finn met in -his wanderings. The histories of literature all praise -the <cite>Gil Blas</cite> of Le Sage for its amusing adventures, -its natural characters, its pleasant humor, and -its insight into human frailty; and the praise is deserved. -But in everyone of these qualities <cite>Huckleberry -Finn</cite> is superior to <cite>Gil Blas</cite>. Le Sage set -the model of the picaresque novel, and Mark Twain -followed his example; but the American book is -richer than the French--deeper, finer, stronger. It -would be hard to find in any language better specimens -of pure narrative, better examples of the -power of telling a story and of calling up action so -that the reader cannot help but see it, than Mark -Twain’s account of the Shepherdson-Grangerford -feud, and his description of the shooting of Boggs -by Sherburn and of the foiled attempt to lynch -Sherburn afterward.</p> - -<p class='c001'>These scenes, fine as they are, vivid, powerful, -and most artistic in their restraint, can be matched -in the two other books. In <cite>Tom Sawyer</cite> they can -be paralleled by the chapter in which the boy and -the girl are lost in the cave, and Tom, seeing a gleam -of light in the distance, discovers that it is a candle -carried by Indian Joe, the one enemy he has in the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_xxv'>xxv</span>world. In <cite>Pudd’nhead Wilson</cite> the great passages -of <cite>Huckleberry Finn</cite> are rivaled by that most pathetic -account of the weak son willing to sell his own -mother as a slave “down the river.” Although -no one of the books is sustained throughout on this -high level, and although, in truth, there are in each of -them passages here and there that we could wish -away (because they are not worthy of the association -in which we find them), I have no hesitation in -expressing here my own conviction that the man who -has given us four scenes like these is to be compared -with the masters of literature; and that he can abide -the comparison with equanimity.</p> - -<h3 class='c012'>IV</h3> - -<p class='c013'>Perhaps I myself prefer these three Mississippi -Valley books above all Mark Twain’s other writings -(although with no lack of affection for those also) -partly because these have the most of the flavor of -the soil about them. After veracity and the sense -of the universal, what I best relish in literature is this -native aroma, pungent, homely, and abiding. Yet -I feel sure that I should not rate him so high if -he were the author of these three books only. They -are the best of him, but the others are good also, -and good in a different way. Other writers have -given us this local color more or less artistically, -more or less convincingly: one New England and -another New York, a third Virginia, and a fourth -Georgia, and a fifth Wisconsin; but who so well as -Mark Twain has given us the full spectrum of the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_xxvi'>xxvi</span>Union? With all his exactness in reproducing the -Mississippi Valley, Mark Twain is not sectional in -his outlook; he is national always. He is not narrow; -he is not Western or Eastern; he is American with -a certain largeness and boldness and freedom and certainty -that we like to think of as befitting a country -so vast as ours and a people so independent.</p> - -<p class='c001'>In Mark Twain we have “the national spirit as -seen with our own eyes,” declared Mr. Howells; -and, from more points of view than one, Mark Twain -seems to me to be the very embodiment of Americanism. -Self-educated in the hard school of life, he -has gone on broadening his outlook as he has grown -older. Spending many years abroad, he has come -to understand other nationalities, without enfeebling -his own native faith. Combining a mastery of the -commonplace with an imaginative faculty, he is a -practical idealist. No respecter of persons, he has a -tender regard for his fellow man. Irreverent toward -all outworn superstitions, he has ever revealed -the deepest respect for all things truly worthy of -reverence. Unwilling to take pay in words, he is -impatient always to get at the root of the matter, to -pierce to the center, to see the thing as it is. He -has a habit of standing upright, of thinking for himself, -and of hitting hard at whatsoever seems to him -hateful and mean; but at the core of him there is -genuine gentleness and honest sympathy, brave -humanity and sweet kindliness. Perhaps it is boastful -for us to think that these characteristics which we see -in Mark Twain are characteristics also of the American -people as a whole; but it is pleasant to think so.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_xxvii'>xxvii</span>Mark Twain has the very marrow of Americanism. -He is as intensely and as typically American as -Franklin or Emerson or Hawthorne. He has not a -little of the shrewd common sense and the homely -and unliterary directness of Franklin. He is not -without a share of the aspiration and the elevation -of Emerson; and he has a philosophy of his own as -optimistic as Emerson’s. He possesses also somewhat -of Hawthorne’s interest in ethical problems, -with something of the same power of getting at the -heart of them; he, too, has written his parables and -apologues wherein the moral is obvious and unobtruded. -He is uncompromisingly honest; and his -conscience is as rugged as his style sometimes is.</p> - -<p class='c001'>No American author has to-day at his command a -style more nervous, more varied, more flexible, or -more various than Mark Twain’s. His colloquial -ease should not hide from us his mastery of all the -devices of rhetoric. He may seem to disobey the -letter of the law sometimes, but he is always obedient -to the spirit. He never speaks unless he has something -to say; and then he says it tersely, sharply, -with a freshness of epithet and an individuality of -phrase, always accurate, however unacademic. His -vocabulary is enormous, and it is deficient only in -the dead words; his language is alive always, and -actually tingling with vitality. He rejoices in the -daring noun and in the audacious adjective. His instinct -for the exact word is not always unerring, and -now and again he has failed to exercise it; but there -is in his prose none of the flatting and sharping he -censured in Fenimore Cooper’s. His style has -<span class='pageno' id='Page_xxviii'>xxviii</span>none of the cold perfection of an antique statue; it is -too modern and too American for that, and too completely -the expression of the man himself, sincere -and straightforward. It is not free from slang, -although this is far less frequent than one might expect; -but it does its work swiftly and cleanly. And -it is capable of immense variety. Consider the tale -of the Blue Jay in <cite>A Tramp Abroad</cite>, wherein the -humor is sustained by unstated pathos; what could -be better told than this, with every word the right -word and in the right place? And take Huck Finn’s -description of the storm when he was alone on the -island, which is in dialect, which will not parse, which -bristles with double negatives, but which none the -less is one of the finest passages of descriptive prose -in all American literature.</p> - -<h3 class='c012'>V</h3> - -<p class='c013'>After all, it is as a humorist pure and simple that -Mark Twain is best known and best beloved. In -the preceding pages I have tried to point out the -several ways in which he transcends humor, as the -word is commonly restricted, and to show that he is -no mere fun maker. But he is a fun maker beyond -all question, and he has made millions laugh as no -other man of our century has done. The laughter -he has aroused is wholesome and self-respecting; it -clears the atmosphere. For this we cannot but be -grateful. As Lowell said, “let us not be ashamed -to confess that, if we find the tragedy a bore, we -take the profoundest satisfaction in the farce. It is -<span class='pageno' id='Page_xxix'>xxix</span>a mark of sanity.” There is no laughter in Don -Quixote, the noble enthusiast whose wits are unsettled; -and there is little on the lips of Alceste the -misanthrope of Molière; but for both of them life -would have been easier had they known how to -laugh. Cervantes himself, and Molière also, found -relief in laughter for their melancholy; and it was -the sense of humor which kept them tolerantly interested -in the spectacle of humanity, although life had -pressed hardly on them both. On Mark Twain also -life has left its scars; but he has bound up his -wounds and battled forward with a stout heart, as -Cervantes did, and Molière. It was Molière who -declared that it was a strange business to undertake -to make people laugh; but even now, after two -centuries, when the best of Molière’s plays are acted, -mirth breaks out again and laughter overflows.</p> - -<p class='c001'>It would be doing Mark Twain a disservice to liken -him to Molière, the greatest comic dramatist of all -time; and yet there is more than one point of similarity. -Just as Mark Twain began by writing comic -copy which contained no prophecy of a masterpiece -like <cite>Huckleberry Finn</cite>, so Molière was at -first the author only of semiacrobatic farces on the -Italian model in no wise presaging <cite>Tartuffe</cite> and -<cite>The Misanthrope</cite>. Just as Molière succeeded first -of all in pleasing the broad public that likes robust -fun, and then slowly and step by step developed into -a dramatist who set on the stage enduring figures -plucked out of the abounding life about him, so -also has Mark Twain grown, ascending from <cite>The -Jumping Frog</cite> to <cite>Huckleberry Finn</cite>, as comic as its -<span class='pageno' id='Page_xxx'>xxx</span>elder brother and as laughter-provoking, but charged -also with meaning and with philosophy. And like -Molière again, Mark Twain has kept solid hold of -the material world; his doctrine is not of the earth -earthy, but it is never sublimated into sentimentality. -He sympathizes with the spiritual side of -humanity, while never ignoring the sensual. Like -Molière, Mark Twain takes his stand on common -sense and thinks scorn of affectation of every sort. -He understands sinners and strugglers and weaklings; -and he is not harsh with them, reserving his -scorching hatred for hypocrites and pretenders and -frauds.</p> - -<p class='c001'>At how long an interval Mark Twain shall be rated -after Molière and Cervantes it is for the future to -declare. All that we can see clearly now is that it is -with them that he is to be classed--with Molière -and Cervantes, with Chaucer and Fielding, humorists -all of them, and all of them manly men.</p> - -<div class='figright id005'> -<img src='images/i_xxx.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_xxxi'>xxxi</span> - <h2 class='c007'>INTRODUCTION</h2> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_2_0_4 c014'>A number of articles in this volume, even the -more important, have not heretofore appeared -in print. Mark Twain was nearly always writing--busily -trying to keep up with his imagination and -enthusiasm: A good many of his literary undertakings -remained unfinished or were held for further -consideration, in time to be quite forgotten. Few -of these papers were unimportant, and a fresh interest -attaches to them to-day in the fact that they present -some new detail of the author’s devious wanderings, -some new point of observation, some hitherto -unexpressed angle of his indefatigable thought.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The present collection opens with a chapter -from a book that was never written, a book about -England, for which the author made some preparation, -during his first visit to that country, in 1872. -He filled several notebooks with brief comments, -among which appears this single complete episode, the -description of a visit to Westminster Abbey by -night. As an example of what the book might have -been we may be sorry that it went no farther.</p> - -<p class='c001'>It was not, however, quite in line with his proposed -undertaking, which had been to write a more or -less satirical book on English manners and customs. -Arriving there, he found that he liked the people -and their country too well for that, besides he was -<span class='pageno' id='Page_xxxii'>xxxii</span>so busy entertaining, and being entertained, that he -had little time for critical observation. In a letter -home he wrote:</p> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'>I came here to take notes for a book, but I haven’t done much -but attend dinners and make speeches. I have had a jolly good -time, and I do hate to go away from these English folks; they -make a stranger feel entirely at home, and they laugh so easily -that it is a comfort to make after-dinner speeches here.</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>England at this time gave Mark Twain an even -fuller appreciation than he had thus far received in -his own country. To hunt out and hold up to -ridicule the foibles of hosts so hospitable would have -been quite foreign to his nature. The notes he made -had little satire in them, being mainly memoranda of -the moment....</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Down the Rhône,” written some twenty years -later, is a chapter from another book that failed of -completion. Mark Twain, in Europe partly for his -health, partly for financial reasons, had agreed to -write six letters for the New York <cite>Sun</cite>, two of which--those -from Aix and Marienbad--appear in this -volume. Six letters would not make a book of -sufficient size and he thought he might supplement -them by making a drifting trip down the Rhône, -the “river of angels,” as Stevenson called it, and -turning it into literature.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The trip itself proved to be one of the most delightful -excursions of his life, and his account of it, -so far as completed, has interest and charm. But he -was alone, with only his boatman (the “Admiral”) -and his courier, Joseph Very, for company, a monotony -of human material that was not inspiring. He -<span class='pageno' id='Page_xxxiii'>xxxiii</span>made some attempt to introduce fictitious characters, -but presently gave up the idea. As a whole -the excursion was too drowsy and comfortable to -stir him to continuous effort; neither the notes nor -the article, attempted somewhat later, ever came to -conclusion.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Three articles in this volume, beginning with “To -the Person Sitting in Darkness,” were published in -the <cite>North American Review</cite> during 1901-02, at a -period when Mark Twain had pretty well made up -his mind on most subjects, and especially concerning -the interference of one nation with another on -matters of religion and government. He had -recently returned from a ten years’ sojourn in Europe -and his opinion was eagerly sought on all public -questions, especially upon those of international -aspect. He was no longer regarded merely as a -humorist, but as a sort of Solon presiding over a -court of final conclusions. A writer in the <cite>Evening -Mail</cite> said of this later period:</p> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'>Things have reached the point where, if Mark Twain is not at -a public meeting or banquet, he is expected to console it with one -of his inimitable letters of advice and encouragement.</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>His old friend, W. D. Howells, expressed an -amused fear that Mark Twain’s countrymen, who in -former years had expected him to be merely a -humorist, should now, in the light of his wider -acceptance abroad, demand that he be mainly -serious.</p> - -<p class='c001'>He was serious enough, and fiercely humorous as -well, in his article “To the Person Sitting in Darkness” -<span class='pageno' id='Page_xxxiv'>xxxiv</span>and in those which followed it. It seemed to -him that the human race, always a doubtful quantity, -was behaving even worse than usual. On New -Year’s Eve, 1900-01, he wrote:</p> - -<div class='quote'> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>A GREETING FROM THE NINETEENTH TO THE</div> - <div>TWENTIETH CENTURY</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c001'>I bring you the stately nation named Christendom, returning, -bedraggled, besmirched, and dishonored, from pirate raids in -Kiao-Chau, Manchuria, South Africa, and the Philippines, with -her soul full of meanness, her pocket full of boodle, and her -mouth full of pious hypocracies. Give her soap and a towel, -but hide the looking-glass.</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>Certain missionary activities in China, in particular, -invited his attention, and in the first of the -<cite>Review</cite> articles he unburdened himself. A masterpiece -of pitiless exposition and sarcasm, its publication -stirred up a cyclone. Periodicals more or -less orthodox heaped upon him denunciation and -vituperation. “To My Missionary Critics,” published -in the <cite>Review</cite> for April, was his answer. He -did not fight alone, but was upheld by a vast following -of liberal-minded readers, both in and out of -the Church. Edward S. Martin wrote him:</p> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'>How gratifying it is to feel that we have a man among us who -understands the rarity of plain truth, and who delights to utter -it, and has the gift of doing so without cant, and with not too -much seriousness.</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>The principals of the primal human drama, our -biblical parents of Eden, play a considerable part in -Mark Twain’s imaginative writings. He wrote -“Diaries” of both Adam and Eve, that of the latter -<span class='pageno' id='Page_xxxv'>xxxv</span>being among his choicest works. He was generally -planning something that would include one or both -of the traditional ancestors, and results of this -tendency express themselves in the present volume. -Satan, likewise, the picturesque angel of rebellion -and defeat, the Satan of <cite>Paradise Lost</cite>, made a -strong appeal and in no less than three of the articles -which follow the prince of error variously appears. -For the most part these inventions offer an aspect of -humor; but again the figure of the outcast angel is -presented to us in an attitude of sorrowful kinship -with the great human tragedy.</p> - -<div class='c015'><span class='sc'>Albert Bigelow Paine</span></div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c004'> - <div><span class='xlarge'>EUROPE AND ELSEWHERE</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_1'>1</span> - <h2 class='c007'>A MEMORABLE MIDNIGHT EXPERIENCE <br /> <span class='small'>(1872)</span></h2> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_1_0_4 c014'>“Come along--and hurry. Few people have got -originality enough to think of the expedition -I have been planning, and still fewer could carry it -out, maybe, even if they <em>did</em> think of it. Hurry, -now. Cab at the door.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>It was past eleven o’clock and I was just going to -bed. But this friend of mine was as reliable as he -was eccentric, and so there was not a doubt in my -mind that his “expedition” had merit in it. I put -on my coat and boots again, and we drove away.</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Where is it? Where are we going?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Don’t worry. You’ll see.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>He was not inclined to talk. So I thought this -must be a weighty matter. My curiosity grew with -the minutes, but I kept it manfully under the surface. -I watched the lamps, the signs, the numbers, -as we thundered down the long streets, but it was of -no use--I am always lost in London, day or night. It -was very chilly--almost bleak. People leaned -against the gusty blasts as if it were the dead of -winter. The crowds grew thinner and thinner and -the noises waxed faint and seemed far away. The -sky was overcast and threatening. We drove on, -and still on, till I wondered if we were ever going -to stop. At last we passed by a spacious bridge and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_2'>2</span>a vast building with a lighted clock tower, and -presently entered a gateway, passed through a sort -of tunnel, and stopped in a court surrounded by the -black outlines of a great edifice. Then we alighted, -walked a dozen steps or so, and waited. In a little -while footsteps were heard and a man emerged from -the darkness and we dropped into his wake without -saying anything. He led us under an archway of -masonry, and from that into a roomy tunnel, through -a tall iron gate, which he locked behind us. We -followed him down this tunnel, guided more by his -footsteps on the stone flagging than by anything -we could very distinctly see. At the end of it we -came to another iron gate, and our conductor -stopped there and lit a little bull’s-eye lantern. Then -he unlocked the gate--and I wished he had oiled it -first, it grated so dismally. The gate swung open -and we stood on the threshold of what seemed a -limitless domed and pillared cavern carved out of the -solid darkness. The conductor and my friend took off -their hats reverently, and I did likewise. For the -moment that we stood thus there was not a sound, -and the silence seemed to add to the solemnity of the -gloom. I <em>looked</em> my inquiry!</p> - -<p class='c001'>“It is the tomb of the great dead of England--<cite>Westminster -Abbey</cite>.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>(One cannot express a start--in words.) Down -among the columns--ever so far away, it seemed--a -light revealed itself like a star, and a voice came -echoing through the spacious emptiness:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Who goes there!”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Wright!”</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_3'>3</span>The star disappeared and the footsteps that accompanied -it clanked out of hearing in the distance. -Mr. Wright held up his lantern and the vague -vastness took something of form to itself--the -stately columns developed stronger outlines, and a -dim pallor here and there marked the places of lofty -windows. We were among the tombs; and on every -hand dull shapes of men, sitting, standing, or stooping, -inspected us curiously out of the darkness--reached -out their hands toward us--some appealing, -some beckoning, some warning us away. Effigies, -they were--statues over the graves; but they -looked human and natural in the murky shadows. -Now a little half-grown black-and-white cat squeezed -herself through the bars of the iron gate and came -purring lovingly about us, unawed by the time or -the place--unimpressed by the marble pomp that -sepulchers a line of mighty dead that ends with a -great author of yesterday and began with a sceptered -monarch away back in the dawn of history more -than twelve hundred years ago. And she followed -us about and never left us while we pursued our -work. We wandered hither and thither, uncovered, -speaking in low voices, and stepping softly by -instinct, for any little noise rang and echoed there -in a way to make one shudder. Mr. Wright flashed -his lantern first upon this object and then upon that, -and kept up a running commentary that showed -that there was nothing about the venerable Abbey -that was trivial in his eyes or void of interest. He is -a man in authority--being superintendent of the -works--and his daily business keeps him familiar -<span class='pageno' id='Page_4'>4</span>with every nook and corner of the great pile. Casting -a luminous ray now here, now yonder, he would -say:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Observe the height of the Abbey--one hundred -and three feet to the base of the roof--I measured -it myself the other day. Notice the base of this -column--old, very old--hundreds and hundreds of -years; and how well they knew how to build in -those old days. Notice it--every stone is laid -horizontally--that is to say, just as nature laid it -originally in the quarry--not set up edgewise; in -our day some people set them on edge, and then -wonder why they split and flake. Architects cannot -teach nature anything. Let me remove this -matting--it is put there to preserve the pavement; -now, there is a bit of pavement that is seven hundred -years old; you can see by these scattering clusters -of colored mosaics how beautiful it was before time -and sacrilegious idlers marred it. Now there, in the -border, was an inscription once; see, follow the -circle--you can trace it by the ornaments that have -been pulled out--here is an A, and there is an O, -and yonder another A--all beautiful old English -capitals--there is no telling what the inscription -was--no record left, now. Now move along in this -direction, if you please. Yonder is where old King -Sebert the Saxon, lies--his monument is the oldest -one in the Abbey; Sebert died in 616, and that’s as -much as twelve hundred and fifty years ago--think -of it!--twelve hundred and fifty years. Now yonder -is the last one--Charles Dickens--there on the floor -with the brass letters on the slab--and to this day -<span class='pageno' id='Page_5'>5</span>the people come and put flowers on it. Why, along -at first they almost had to <em>cart</em> the flowers out, there -were so many. Could not <em>leave</em> them there, you -know, because it’s where everybody walks--and -a body wouldn’t want them trampled on, anyway. -All this place about here, now, is the Poet’s -Corner. There is Garrick’s monument, and Addison’s, -and Thackeray’s bust--and Macaulay lies -there. And here, close to Dickens and Garrick, lie -Sheridan and Doctor Johnson--and here is old Parr--Thomas -Parr--you can read the inscription:</p> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'>“Tho: Par of Y Covnty of Sallop Borne A :1483. He -Lived in Y Reignes of Ten Princes, viz: K. Edw. 4 -K. Ed. 5. K. Rich 3. K. Hen. 7. K. Hen. 8. Edw. 6. QVV. Ma. -Q. Eliz. K. IA. and K. Charles, Aged 152 Yeares, And -Was Buryed Here Novemb. 15. 1635.</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>“Very old man indeed, and saw a deal of life. -(Come off the grave, Kitty, poor thing; she keeps -the rats away from the office, and there’s no harm -in her--her and her mother.) And here--this is -Shakespeare’s statue--leaning on his elbow and -pointing with his finger at the lines on the scroll:</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b c016'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>“The cloud-capt towers, the gorgeous palaces,</div> - <div class='line'>The solemn temples, the great globe itself,</div> - <div class='line'>Yea, all which it inherit shall dissolve,</div> - <div class='line'>And, like the baseless fabric of a vision,</div> - <div class='line'>Leave not a wrack behind.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c013'>“That stone there covers Campbell the poet. -Here are names you know pretty well--Milton, and -Gray who wrote the ‘Elegy,’ and Butler who wrote -‘Hudibras,’ and Edmund Spencer, and Ben Jonson--there -are three tablets to him scattered about the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_6'>6</span>Abbey, and all got ‘O Rare Ben Jonson’ cut on -them--you were standing on one of them just now--he -is buried standing up. There used to be a tradition -here that explains it. The story goes that he -did not dare ask to be buried in the Abbey, so he -asked King James if he would make him a present of -eighteen inches of English ground, and the king -said yes, and asked him where he would have it, and -he said in Westminster Abbey. Well, the king -wouldn’t go back on his word, and so there he is -sure enough--stood up on end. Years ago, in Dean -Buckland’s time--before my day--they were digging -a grave close to Jonson and they uncovered him and -his head fell off. Toward night the clerk of the -works hid the head to keep it from being stolen, as -the ground was to remain open till next day. Presently -the dean’s son came along and he found a -head, and hid it away for Jonson’s. And by and by -along comes a stranger, and <em>he</em> found a head, too, -and walked off with it under his cloak, and a month -or so afterward he was heard to boast that he had -Ben Jonson’s head. Then there was a deal of correspondence -about it, in the <cite>Times</cite>, and everybody -distressed. But Mr. Frank Buckland came out and -comforted everybody by telling how he saved the -true head, and so the stranger must have got one -that wasn’t of any consequence. And then up speaks -the clerk of the works and tells how <em>he</em> saved the -right head, and so <em>Dean Buckland</em> must have got a -wrong one. Well, it was all settled satisfactorily at -last, because the clerk of the works <em>proved</em> his head. -And then I believe they got that head from the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_7'>7</span>stranger--so now we have three. But it shows you -what regiments of people you are walking over--been -collecting here for twelve hundred years--in -some places, no doubt, the bones are fairly matted -together.</p> - -<p class='c001'>“And here are some unfortunates. Under this -place lies Anne, queen of Richard III, and daughter -of the Kingmaker, the great Earl of Warwick--murdered -she was--poisoned by her husband. And -here is a slab which you see has once had the figure of -a man in armor on it, in brass or copper, let into the -stone. You can see the shape of it--but it is all -worn away now by people’s feet; the man has been -dead five hundred years that lies under it. He was -a knight in Richard II’s time. His enemies pressed -him close and he fled and took sanctuary here in the -Abbey. Generally a man was safe when he took -sanctuary in those days, but this man was not. The -captain of the Tower and a band of men pursued -him and his friends and they had a bloody fight here -on this floor; but this poor fellow did not stand -much of a chance, and they butchered him right -before the altar.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>We wandered over to another part of the Abbey, -and came to a place where the pavement was being -repaired. Every paving stone has an inscription on -it and covers a grave. Mr. Wright continued:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Now, you are standing on William Pitt’s grave--you -can read the name, though it is a good deal -worn--and you, sir, are standing on the grave of -Charles James Fox. I found a very good place here -the other day--nobody suspected it--been curiously -<span class='pageno' id='Page_8'>8</span>overlooked, somehow--but--it is a very nice place -indeed, and very comfortable” (holding his bull’s -eye to the pavement and searching around). “Ah, -here it is--this is the stone--nothing under here--nothing -at all--a very nice place indeed--and very -comfortable.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>Mr. Wright spoke in a professional way, of course, -and after the manner of a man who takes an interest -in his business and is gratified at any piece of good -luck that fortune favors him with; and yet <a id='corr8.10'></a><span class='htmlonly'><ins class='correction' title='will'>with</ins></span><span class='epubonly'><a href='#c_8.10'><ins class='correction' title='will'>with</ins></a></span> all -that silence and gloom and solemnity about me, -there was something about his idea of a nice, comfortable -place that made the cold chills creep up my -back. Presently we began to come upon little -chamberlike chapels, with solemn figures ranged -around the sides, lying apparently asleep, in sumptuous -marble beds, with their hands placed together -above their breasts--the figures and all their surroundings -black with age. Some were dukes and -earls, some where kings and queens, some were -ancient abbots whose effigies had lain there so many -centuries and suffered such disfigurement that their -faces were almost as smooth and featureless as the -stony pillows their heads reposed upon. At one time -while I stood looking at a distant part of the pavement, -admiring the delicate tracery which the now -flooding moonlight was casting upon it through a -lofty window, the party moved on and I lost them. -The first step I made in the dark, holding my hands -before me, as one does under such circumstances, -I touched a cold object, and stopped to feel its -shape. I made out a thumb, and then delicate -<span class='pageno' id='Page_9'>9</span>fingers. It was the clasped, appealing hands of one -of those reposing images--a lady, a queen. I -touched the face--by accident, not design--and -shuddered inwardly, if not outwardly; and then -something rubbed against my leg, and I shuddered -outwardly and inwardly both. It was the cat. The -friendly creature meant well, but, as the English say, -she gave me “such a turn.” I took her in my arms -for company and wandered among the grim sleepers -till I caught the glimmer of the lantern again. Presently, -in a little chapel, we were looking at the sarcophagus, -let into the wall, which contains the bones -of the infant princes who were smothered in the -Tower. Behind us was the stately monument of -Queen Elizabeth, with her effigy dressed in the royal -robes, lying as if at rest. When we turned around, -the cat, with stupendous simplicity, was coiled up -and sound asleep upon the feet of the Great Queen! -Truly this was reaching far toward the millennium -when the lion and the lamb shall lie down together. -The murderer of Mary and Essex, the conqueror of -the Armada, the imperious ruler of a turbulent -empire, become a couch, at last, for a tired kitten! -It was the most eloquent sermon upon the vanity of -human pride and human grandeur that inspired -Westminster preached to us that night.</p> - -<p class='c001'>We would have turned puss out of the Abbey, but -for the fact that her small body made light of railed -gates and she would have come straight back again. -We walked up a flight of half a dozen steps and, -stopping upon a pavement laid down in 1260, stood -in the core of English history, as it were--upon the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_10'>10</span>holiest ground in the British Empire, if profusion of -kingly bones and kingly names of old renown make -holy ground. For here in this little space were the -ashes, the monuments and gilded effigies, of ten of -the most illustrious personages who have worn -crowns and borne scepters in this realm. This -royal dust was the slow accumulation of hundreds of -years. The latest comer entered into his rest four -hundred years ago, and since the earliest was sepulchered, -more than eight centuries have drifted by. -Edward the Confessor, Henry the Fifth, Edward the -First, Edward the Third, Richard the Second, Henry -the Third, Eleanor, Philippa, Margaret Woodville--it -was like bringing the <a id='corr10.14'></a><span class='htmlonly'><ins class='correction' title='collossal'>colossal</ins></span><span class='epubonly'><a href='#c_10.14'><ins class='correction' title='collossal'>colossal</ins></a></span> myths of history -out of the forgotten ages and speaking to them face -to face. The gilded effigies were scarcely marred--the -faces were comely and majestic, old Edward the -First looked the king--one had no impulse to be -familiar with him. While we were contemplating -the figure of Queen Eleanor lying in state, and -calling to mind how like an ordinary human being -the great king mourned for her six hundred years -ago, we saw the vast illuminated clock face of the -Parliament House tower glowering at us through a -window of the Abbey and pointing with both hands to -midnight. It was a derisive reminder that we were a -part of this present sordid, plodding, commonplace -time, and not august relics of a bygone age and the -comrades of kings--and then the booming of the -great bell tolled twelve, and with the last stroke -the mocking clock face vanished in sudden darkness -and left us with the past and its grandeurs again.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_11'>11</span>We descended, and entered the nave of the -splendid Chapel of Henry VII. Mr. Wright said:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Here is where the order of knighthood was conferred -for centuries; the candidates sat in these -seats; these brasses bear their coats of arms; these -are their banners overhead, torn and dusty, poor old -things, for they have hung there many and many a -long year. In the floor you see inscriptions--kings -and queens that lie in the vault below. When this -vault was opened in our time they found them lying -there in beautiful order--all quiet and comfortable--the -red velvet on the coffins hardly faded any. -And the bodies were sound--I saw them myself. -They were embalmed, and looked natural, although -they had been there such an awful time. -Now in this place here, which is called the chantry, -is a curious old group of statuary--the figures are -mourning over George Villiers, Duke of Buckingham, -who was assassinated by Felton in Charles I’s -time. Yonder, Cromwell and his family used to lie. -Now we come to the south aisle and this is the grand -monument to Mary Queen of Scots, and her effigy--you -easily see they get all the portraits from this -effigy. Here in the wall of the aisle is a bit of a -curiosity pretty roughly carved:</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>Wm. WEST TOOME</div> - <div>SHOWER</div> - <div>1698</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c001'>“William West, tomb shower, 1698. That fellow -carved his name around in several places about the -Abbey.”</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_12'>12</span>This was a sort of revelation to me. I had been -wandering through the Abbey, never imagining but -that its shows were created only for us--the people -of the nineteenth century. But here is a man (become -a show himself now, and a curiosity) to whom -all these things were sights and wonders a hundred -and seventy-five years ago. When curious idlers -from the country and from foreign lands came here -to look, he showed them old Sebert’s tomb and those -of the other old worthies I have been speaking of, and -called them ancient and venerable; and he showed -them Charles II’s tomb as the newest and latest -novelty he had; and he was doubtless present at the -funeral. Three hundred years before his time some -ancestor of his, perchance, used to point out the -ancient marvels, in the immemorial way and then -say: “This, gentlemen, is the tomb of his late -Majesty Edward the Third--and I wish I could see -him alive and hearty again, as I saw him twenty -years ago; yonder is the tomb of Sebert the Saxon -king--he has been lying there well on to eight -hundred years, they say. And three hundred years -before <em>this</em> party, Westminster was still a show, and -Edward the Confessor’s grave was a novelty of some -thirty years’ standing--but old “Sebert” was -hoary and ancient still, and people who spoke of -Alfred the Great as a comparatively recent man -pondered over Sebert’s grave and tried to take in all -the tremendous meaning of it when the “toome -shower” said, “This man has lain here well nigh five -hundred years.” It does seem as if all the generations -that have lived and died since the world was -<span class='pageno' id='Page_13'>13</span>created have visited Westminster to stare and wonder--and -still found ancient things there. And some -day a curiously clad company may arrive here in a -balloon ship from some remote corner of the globe, -and as they follow the verger among the monuments -they may hear him say: “This is the tomb of Victoria -the Good Queen; battered and uncouth as it -looks, it once was a wonder of magnificence--but -twelve hundred years work a deal of damage to these -things.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>As we turned toward the door the moonlight was -beaming in at the windows, and it gave to the -sacred place such an air of restfulness and peace -that Westminster was no longer a grisly museum of -moldering vanities, but her better and worthier self--the -deathless mentor of a great nation, the guide -and encourager of right ambitions, the preserver of -just fame, and the home and refuge for the nation’s -best and bravest when their work is done.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_14'>14</span> - <h2 class='c007'>TWO MARK TWAIN EDITORIALS</h2> -</div> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c011'>(Written 1869 and 1870, for the Buffalo <cite>Express</cite>, of which -Mark Twain became editor and part owner)</p> - -</div> - -<h3 class='c012'>I <br /> “SALUTATORY”</h3> - -<p class='drop-capa0_2_0_4 c017'>Being a stranger, it would be immodest and -unbecoming in me to suddenly and violently -assume the associate editorship of the <cite>Buffalo Express</cite> -without a single explanatory word of comfort -or encouragement to the unoffending patrons of the -paper, who are about to be exposed to constant attacks -of my wisdom and learning. But this explanatory -word shall be as brief as possible. I only -wish to assure parties having a friendly interest in -the prosperity of the journal, that I am not going to -hurt the paper deliberately and intentionally at any -time. I am not going to introduce any startling -reforms, or in any way attempt to make trouble. I -am simply going to do my plain, unpretending duty, -when I cannot get out of it; I shall work diligently -and honestly and faithfully at all times and upon all -occasions, when privation and want shall compel -me to do it; in writing, I shall always confine myself -strictly to the truth, except when it is attended -with inconvenience; I shall witheringly rebuke all -forms of crime and misconduct, except when committed -<span class='pageno' id='Page_15'>15</span>by the party inhabiting my own vest; I shall -not make use of slang or vulgarity upon any occasion -or under any circumstances, and shall never use -profanity except in discussing house rent and taxes. -Indeed, upon second thought, I will not even use it -then, for it is unchristian, inelegant, and degrading--though -to speak truly I do not see how house rent -and taxes are going to be discussed worth a cent -without it. I shall not often meddle with politics, -because we have a political editor who is already -excellent, and only needs to serve a term in the -penitentiary in order to be perfect. I shall not write -any poetry, unless I conceive a spite against the -subscribers.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Such is my platform. I do not see any earthly use -in it, but custom is law, and custom must be obeyed, -no matter how much violence it may do to one’s -feelings. And this custom which I am slavishly following -now is surely one of the least necessary that -ever came into vogue. In private life a man does -not go and trumpet his crime before he commits it, -but your new editor is such an important personage -that he feels called upon to write a “salutatory” at -once, and he puts into it all that he knows, and all -that he don’t know, and some things he thinks he -knows but isn’t certain of. And he parades his list -of wonders which he is going to perform; of reforms -which he is going to introduce, and public evils which -he is going to exterminate; and public blessings -which he is going to create; and public nuisances -which he is going to abate. He spreads this all out -with oppressive solemnity over a column and a half -<span class='pageno' id='Page_16'>16</span>of large print, and feels that the country is saved. -His satisfaction over it, something enormous. He -then settles down to his miracles and inflicts profound -platitudes and impenetrable wisdom upon a -helpless public as long as they can stand it, and then -they send him off consul to some savage island in the -Pacific in the vague hope that the cannibals will like -him well enough to eat him. And with an inhumanity -which is but a fitting climax to his career -of persecution, instead of packing his trunk at once -he lingers to inflict upon his benefactors a “valedictory.” -If there is anything more uncalled for -than a “salutatory,” it is one of those tearful, -blubbering, long-winded “valedictories”--wherein -a man who has been annoying the public for ten -years cannot take leave of them without sitting -down to cry a column and a half. Still, it is the -custom to write valedictories, and custom should be -respected. In my secret heart I admire my predecessor -for declining to print a valedictory, though -in public I say and shall continue to say sternly, it is -custom and he ought to have printed one. People -never read them any more than they do the “salutatories,” -but nevertheless he ought to have honored -the old fossil--he ought to have printed a valedictory. -I said as much to him, and he replied:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“I have resigned my place--I have departed this -life--I am journalistically dead, at present, ain’t I?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Yes.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Well, wouldn’t you consider it disgraceful in a -corpse to sit up and comment on the funeral?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>I record it here, and preserve it from oblivion, as -<span class='pageno' id='Page_17'>17</span>the briefest and best “valedictory” that has yet -come under my notice.</p> - -<div class='c015'><span class='sc'>Mark Twain.</span></div> - -<p class='c001'>P. S.--I am grateful for the kindly way in which -the press of the land have taken notice of my irruption -into regular journalistic life, telegraphically -or editorially, and am happy in this place to express -the feeling.</p> - -<h3 class='c012'>II <br /> A TRIBUTE TO ANSON BURLINGAME</h3> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c000'> - <div>(February, 1870)</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_2_0_4 c018'>On Wednesday, in St. Petersburg, Mr. Burlingame -died after a short illness. It is not easy -to comprehend, at an instant’s warning, the exceeding -magnitude of the loss which mankind sustains -in this death--the loss which all nations and -all peoples sustain in it. For he had outgrown the -narrow citizenship of a state and become a citizen -of the world; and his charity was large enough and -his great heart warm enough to feel for all its races -and to labor for them. He was a true man, a brave -man, an earnest man, a liberal man, a just man, a -generous man, in all his ways and by all his instincts -a noble man; he was a man of education and culture, -a finished conversationalist, a ready, able, and graceful -speaker, a man of great brain, a broad and deep -and weighty thinker. He was a great man--a very, -very great man. He was imperially endowed by -nature; he was faithfully befriended by circumstances, -and he wrought gallantly always, in whatever -station he found himself.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_18'>18</span>He was a large, handsome man, with such a face -as children instinctively trust in, and homeless and -friendless creatures appeal to without fear. He was -courteous at all times and to all people, and he had -the rare and winning faculty of being always <em>interested</em> -in whatever a man had to say--a faculty which -he possessed simply because nothing was trivial to -him which any man or woman or child had at heart. -When others said harsh things about even unconscionable -and intrusive bores after they had retired -from his presence, Mr. Burlingame often said a -generous word in their favor, but never an unkind one.</p> - -<p class='c001'>A chivalrous generosity was his most marked -characteristic--a large charity, a noble kindliness -that could not comprehend narrowness or meanness. -It is this that shows out in his fervent abolitionism, -manifested at a time when it was neither very creditable -nor very safe to hold such a creed; it was this -that prompted him to hurl his famous Brooks-and-Sumner -speech in the face of an astonished South -at a time when all the North was smarting under -the sneers and taunts and material aggressions of -admired and applauded Southerners. It was this -that made him so warmly espouse the cause of -Italian liberty--an espousal so pointed and so -vigorous as to attract the attention of Austria, -which empire afterward declined to receive him -when he was appointed Austrian envoy by Mr. -Lincoln. It was this trait which prompted him to -punish Americans in China when they imposed upon -the Chinese. It was this trait which moved him, -in framing treaties, to frame them in the broad -<span class='pageno' id='Page_19'>19</span>interest of the world, instead of selfishly seeking to -acquire advantages for his own country alone and -at the expense of the other party to the treaty, as had -always before been the recognized “diplomacy.” It -was this trait which was and is the soul of the crowning -achievements of his career, the treaties with -America and England in behalf of China. In every -labor of this man’s life there was present a good and -noble motive; and in nothing that he ever did or -said was there anything small or base. In real -greatness, ability, grandeur of character, and achievement, -he stood head and shoulders above all the -Americans of to-day, save one or two.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Without any noise, or any show, or any flourish, -Mr. Burlingame did a score of things of shining -mark during his official residence in China. They -were hardly heard of away here in America. When -he first went to China, he found that with all their -kingly powers, American envoys were still not of -much consequence in the eyes of their countrymen -of either civil or official position. But he was a man -who was always “posted.” He knew all about the -state of things he would find in China before he -sailed from America. And so he took care to demand -and receive additional powers before he turned -his back upon Washington. When the customary -consular irregularities placidly continued and he -notified those officials that such irregularities must -instantly cease, and they inquired with insolent -flippancy what the consequence might be in case -they did not cease, he answered blandly that he -would <em>dismiss</em> them, from the highest to the lowest! -<span class='pageno' id='Page_20'>20</span>(He had quietly come armed with absolute authority -over their official lives.) The consular irregularities -ceased. A far healthier condition of American -commercial interests ensued there.</p> - -<p class='c001'>To punish a foreigner in China was an unheard-of -thing. There was no way of accomplishing it. Each -Embassy had its own private district or grounds, -forced from the imperial government, and into that -sacred district Chinese law officers could not intrude. -All foreigners guilty of offenses against -Chinamen were tried by their own countrymen, in -these holy places, and as no Chinese testimony was -admitted, the culprit almost always went free. One -of the very first things Mr. Burlingame did was -to make a Chinaman’s oath as good as a foreigner’s; -and in his ministerial court, through Chinese and -American testimony combined, he very shortly -convicted a noted American ruffian of murdering a -Chinaman. And now a community accustomed to -light sentences were naturally startled when, under -Mr. Burlingame’s hand, and bearing the broad seal -of the American Embassy, came an order to take -him out and hang him!</p> - -<p class='c001'>Mr. Burlingame broke up the “extra-territorial” -privileges (as they were called), as far as our country -was concerned, and made justice as free to all and -as untrammeled in the metes and bounds of its jurisdiction, -in China, as ever it was in any land.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Mr. Burlingame was the leading spirit in the co-operative -policy. He got the Imperial College established. -He procured permission for an American -to open the coal mines of China. Through his efforts -<span class='pageno' id='Page_21'>21</span>China was the first country to close her ports against -the war vessels of the Southern Confederacy; and -Prince Kung’s order, in this matter, was singularly -energetic, comprehensive, and in earnest. The ports -were closed then, and never opened to a Southern -warship afterward.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Mr. Burlingame “construed” the treaties existing -between China and the other nations. For many -years the ablest diplomatists had vainly tried to -come to a satisfactory understanding of certain obscure -clauses of these treaties, and more than once -powder had been burned in consequences of failure -to come to such understandings. But the clear and -comprehensive intellect of the American envoy reduced -the wordy tangle of diplomatic phrases to a -plain and honest handful of paragraphs, and these -were unanimously and thankfully accepted by the -other foreign envoys, and officially declared by them -to be a thorough and satisfactory elucidation of all -the uncertain clauses in the treaties.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Mr. Burlingame did a mighty work, and made -official intercourse with China lucid, simple, and -systematic, thenceforth for all time, when he persuaded -that government to adopt and accept the -code of international law by which the civilized -nations of the earth are guided and controlled.</p> - -<p class='c001'>It is not possible to specify all the acts by which -Mr. Burlingame made himself largely useful to the -world during his official residence in China. At least -it would not be possible to do it without making -this sketch too lengthy and pretentious for a newspaper -article.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_22'>22</span>Mr. Burlingame’s short history--for he was only -forty-seven--reads like a fairy tale. Its successes, -its surprises, its happy situations, occur all along, -and each new episode is always an improvement -upon the one which went before it.</p> - -<p class='c001'>He begins life an assistant in a surveying party -away out on the Western frontier; then enters a -branch of a Western college; then passes through -Harvard with the honors; becomes a Boston lawyer -and looks back complacently from his high perch -upon the old days when he was a surveyor nobody -in the woods; becomes a state senator, and makes -laws; still advancing, goes to the Constitutional -Convention and makes regulations wherewith to rule -the makers of laws; enters Congress and smiles -back upon the Legislature and the Boston lawyer, -and from these smiles still back upon the country -surveyor, recognizes that he is known to fame in -Massachusetts; challenges Brooks and is known to -the nation; next, with a long stride upward, he is -clothed with ministerial dignity and journeys to the -under side of the world to represent the youngest -in the court of the oldest of the nations; and finally, -after years go by, we see him moving serenely among -the crowned heads of the Old World, a magnate -with secretaries and undersecretaries about him, a -retinue of quaint, outlandish Orientals in his wake, -and a long following of servants--and the world is -aware that his salary is unbelievably enormous, not -to say imperial, and likewise knows that he is invested -with power to make treaties with all the chief -nations of the earth, and that he bears the stately -<span class='pageno' id='Page_23'>23</span>title of Ambassador, and in his person represents -the mysterious and awful grandeur of that vague -colossus, the Emperor of China, his mighty empire -and his four hundred millions of subjects! Down -what a dreamy vista his backward glance must -stretch, now, to reach the insignificant surveyor in -the Western woods!</p> - -<p class='c001'>He was a good man, and a very, very great man. -America lost a son, and all the world a servant, when -he died.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_24'>24</span> - <h2 class='c007'>THE TEMPERANCE CRUSADE AND <br />WOMAN’S RIGHTS <br /> <span class='small'>(1873)</span></h2> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_2_0_4 c014'>The women’s crusade against the rum sellers continues. -It began in an Ohio village early in -the new year, and has now extended itself eastwardly -to the Atlantic seaboard, 600 miles, and -westwardly (at a bound, without stopping by the -way,) to San Francisco, about 2,500 miles. It has -also scattered itself along down the Ohio and Mississippi -rivers southwardly some ten or twelve hundred -miles. Indeed, it promises to sweep, eventually, the -whole United States, with the exception of the little -cluster of commonwealths which we call New England. -Puritan New England is sedate, reflective, -conservative, and very hard to inflame.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The method of the crusaders is singular. They -contemn the use of force in the breaking up of the -whisky traffic. They only assemble before a drinking -shop, or within it, and sing hymns and pray, -hour after hour--and day after day, if necessary--until -the publican’s business is broken up and he -surrenders. This is not force, at least they do not -consider it so. After the surrender the crusaders -march back to headquarters and proclaim the -victory, and ascribe it to the powers above. They -rejoice together awhile, and then go forth again in -<span class='pageno' id='Page_25'>25</span>their strength and conquer another whisky shop -with their prayers and hymns and their staying -capacity (pardon the rudeness), and spread <em>that</em> -victory upon the battle flag of the powers above. In -this generous way the crusaders have parted with -the credit of not less than three thousand splendid -triumphs, which some carping people say they gained -their own selves, without assistance from any quarter. -If I am one of these, I am the humblest. If I seem to -doubt that prayer is the agent that conquers these -rum sellers, I do it honestly, and not in a flippant -spirit. If the crusaders were to stay at home and -pray for the rum seller and for his adoption of a better -way of life, or if the crusaders even assembled together -in a church and offered up such a prayer with -a united voice, and it accomplished a victory, I -would then feel that it was the praying that moved -Heaven to do the miracle; for I believe that if the -prayer is the agent that brings about the desired -result, it cannot be necessary to pray the prayer in -any particular place in order to get the ear, or move -the grace, of the Deity. When the crusaders go and -invest a whisky shop and fall to praying, one suspects -that they are praying rather less to the Deity -than <em>at</em> the rum man. So I cannot help feeling (after -carefully reading the details of the rum sieges) that -as much as nine tenths of the credit of each of the -3,000 victories achieved thus far belongs of right to -the crusaders themselves, and it grieves me to see -them give it away with such spendthrift generosity.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I will not afflict you with statistics, but I desire -to say just a word or two about the character of this -<span class='pageno' id='Page_26'>26</span>crusade. The crusaders are young girls and women--not -the inferior sort, but the very best in the village -communities. The telegraph keeps the newspapers -supplied with the progress of the war, and thus the -praying infection spreads from town to town, day -after day, week after week. When it attacks a -community it seems to seize upon almost everybody -in it at once. There is a meeting in a church, -speeches are made, resolutions are passed, a purse -for expenses is made up, a “praying band” is appointed; -if it be a large town, half a dozen praying -bands, each numbering as many as a hundred women, -are appointed, and the working district of each band -marked out. Then comes a grand assault in force, all -along the line. Every stronghold of rum is invested; -first one and then another champion ranges up before -the proprietor and offers up a special petition for -him; he has to stand meekly there behind his bar, -under the eyes of a great concourse of ladies who are -better than he is and are aware of it, and hear all the -secret iniquities of his business divulged to the angels -above, accompanied by the sharp sting of wishes for -his regeneration, which imply an amount of need for -it which is in the last degree uncomfortable to him. -If he holds out bravely, the crusaders hold out more -bravely still--or at least more persistently; though -I doubt if the grandeur of the performance would -not be considerably heightened if one solitary -crusader were to try praying at a hundred rum -sellers in a body for a while, and see how it felt to -have everybody against her instead of for her. If -the man holds out the crusaders camp before his -<span class='pageno' id='Page_27'>27</span>place and keep up the siege till they wear him out. -In one case they besieged a rum shop two whole -weeks. They built a shed before it and kept up the -praying all night and all day long every day of the -fortnight, and this in the bitterest winter weather, -too. They conquered.</p> - -<p class='c001'>You may ask if such an investment and such interference -with a man’s business (in cases where he is -“protected” by a license) is lawful? By no means. -But the whole community being with the crusaders, -the authorities have usually been overawed and -afraid to execute the laws, the authorities being, in -too many cases, mere little politicians, and more -given to looking to chances of re-election than fearlessly -discharging their duty according to the terms -of their official oaths.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Would you consider the conduct of these crusaders -justifiable? I do--thoroughly justifiable. -They find themselves voiceless in the making of -laws and the election of officers to execute them. -Born with brains, born in the country, educated, -having large interests at stake, they find their -tongues tied and their hands fettered, while every -ignorant whisky-drinking foreign-born savage in -the land may hold office, help to make the laws, -degrade the dignity of the former and break the -latter at his own sweet will. They see their fathers, -husbands, and brothers sit inanely at home and -allow the scum of the country to assemble at the -“primaries,” name the candidates for office from -their own vile ranks, and, unrebuked, elect them. -They live in the midst of a country where there is -<span class='pageno' id='Page_28'>28</span>no end to the laws and no beginning to the execution -of them. And when the laws intended to protect -their sons from destruction by intemperance lie -torpid and without sign of life year after year, they -recognize that here is a matter which interests them -personally--a matter which comes straight home to -them. And since they are allowed to lift no legal -voice against the outrageous state of things they -suffer under in this regard, I think it is no wonder -that their patience has broken down at last, and -they have contrived to persuade themselves that -they are justifiable in breaking the law of trespass -when the laws that should make the trespass -needless are allowed by the voters to lie dead and -inoperative.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I cannot help glorying in the pluck of these -women, sad as it is to see them displaying themselves -in these unwomanly ways; sad as it is to see -them carrying their grace and their purity into -places which should never know their presence; and -sadder still as it is to see them trying to save a set -of men who, it seems to me, there can be no reasonable -object in saving. It does not become us to -scoff at the crusaders, remembering what it is they -have borne all these years, but it does become us to -admire their heroism--a heroism that boldly faces -jeers, curses, ribald language, obloquy of every -kind and degree--in a word, every manner of thing -that pure-hearted, pure-minded women such as these -are naturally dread and shrink from, and remains -steadfast through it all, undismayed, patient, hopeful, -giving no quarter, asking none, determined to -<span class='pageno' id='Page_29'>29</span>conquer and succeeding. It is the same old superb -spirit that animated that other devoted, magnificent, -mistaken crusade of six hundred years ago. The -sons of such women as these must surely be worth -saving from the destroying power of rum.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The present crusade will doubtless do but little -work against intemperance that will be really permanent, -but it will do what is as much, or even more, -to the purpose, I think. I think it will suggest to -more than one man that if women could vote they -would vote on the side of morality, even if they did -vote and speak rather frantically and furiously; -and it will also suggest that when the women once -made up their minds that it was not good to leave -the all-powerful “primaries” in the hands of loafers, -thieves, and pernicious little politicians, they would -not sit indolently at home as their husbands and -brothers do now, but would hoist their praying -banners, take the field in force, pray the assembled -political scum back to the holes and slums where -they belong, and set up some candidates fit for decent -human beings to vote for.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I dearly want the women to be raised to the -political altitude of the negro, the imported savage, -and the pardoned thief, and allowed to vote. It is -our last chance, I think. The women will be voting -before long, and then if a B. F. Butler can still continue -to lord it in Congress; if the highest offices in -the land can still continue to be occupied by perjurers -and robbers; if another Congress (like the -forty-second) consisting of 15 honest men and 296 -of the other kind can once more be created, it will at -<span class='pageno' id='Page_30'>30</span>last be time, I fear, to give over trying to save the -country by human means, and appeal to Providence. -Both the great parties have failed. I wish we might -have a woman’s party now, and see how that would -work. I feel persuaded that in extending the suffrage -to women this country could lose absolutely nothing -and might gain a great deal. For thirty centuries -history has been iterating and reiterating that in a -moral fight woman is simply dauntless, and we all -know, even with our eyes shut upon Congress and -our voters, that from the day that Adam ate of the -apple and told on Eve down to the present day, -man, in a moral fight, has pretty uniformly shown -himself to be an arrant coward.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I will mention casually that while I cannot bring -myself to find fault with the women whom we call -the crusaders, since I feel that they, being politically -fettered, have the natural right of the oppressed to -rebel, I have a very different opinion about the -clergymen who have in a multitude of instances -attached themselves to the movement, and by voice -and act have countenanced and upheld the women -in unlawfully trespassing upon whisky mills and -interrupting the rum sellers’ business. It seems to -me that it would better become clergymen to teach -their flocks to respect the laws of the land, and urge -them to refrain from breaking them. But it is not -a new thing for a thoroughly good and well-meaning -preacher’s soft heart to run away with his soft head.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_31'>31</span> - <h2 class='c007'>O’SHAH</h2> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c005'> - <div>(A series of news letters describing a visit to England by the</div> - <div>Shah of Persia)</div> - </div> -</div> - -<h3 class='c012'>I <br /> THE ARRIVAL IN ENGLAND</h3> - -<div class='c019'><span class='sc'>London</span>, <i>June 18, 1873</i>.</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_2_0_4 c018'>“Would you like to go over to Belgium and -help bring the Shah to England?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>I said I was willing.</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Very well, then; here is an order from the -Admiralty which will admit you on board Her -Majesty’s ship <i>Lively</i>, now lying at Ostend, and -you can return in her day after to-morrow.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>That was all. That was the end of it. Without -stopping to think, I had in a manner taken upon -myself to bring the Shah of Persia to England. I -could not otherwise regard the conversation I had -just held with the London representative of the New -York <cite>Herald</cite>. The amount of discomfort I endured -for the next two or three hours cannot be set down -in words. I could not eat, sleep, talk, smoke with -any satisfaction. The more I thought the thing over -the more oppressed I felt. What was the Shah to -me, that I should go to all this worry and trouble on -his account? Where was there the least occasion for -taking upon myself such a responsibility? If I got -him over all right, well. But if I lost him? if he died -<span class='pageno' id='Page_32'>32</span>on my hands? if he got drowned? It was depressing, -any way I looked at it. In the end I said to myself, -“If I get this Shah over here safe and sound I never -will take charge of another one.” And yet, at the -same time I kept thinking: “This country has -treated me well, stranger as I am, and this foreigner -is the country’s guest--that is enough, I will help -him out; I will fetch him over; I will land him in -London, and say to the British people, ‘Here is your -Shah; give me a receipt.’”</p> - -<p class='c001'>I felt easy in my mind now, and was about to go -to bed, but something occurred to me. I took a cab -and drove downtown and routed out that <cite>Herald</cite> -representative.</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Where is Belgium?” said I.</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Where is Belgium? I never heard such a -question!”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“That doesn’t make any difference to me. If I -have got to fetch this Shah I don’t wish to go to the -wrong place. Where is Belgium? Is it a shilling -fare in a cab?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>He explained that it was in foreign parts--the -first place I have heard of lately which a body could -not go to in a cab for a shilling.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I said I could not go alone, because I could not -speak foreign languages well, could not get up in -time for the early train without help, and could not -find my way. I said it was enough to have the Shah -on my hands; I did not wish to have everything piled -on me. Mr. Blank was then ordered to go with me. -I do like to have somebody along to talk to when I -go abroad.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_33'>33</span>When I got home I sat down and thought the -thing all over. I wanted to go into this enterprise -understandingly. What was the main thing? That -was the question. A little reflection informed me. -For two weeks the London papers had sung just one -continual song to just one continual tune, and the -idea of it all was “how to impress the Shah.” These -papers had told all about the St. Petersburg splendors, -and had said at the end that splendors would -no longer answer; that England could not outdo -Russia in that respect; therefore some other way of -impressing the Shah must be contrived. And these -papers had also told all about the Shahstic reception -in Prussia and its attendant military pageantry. -England could not improve on that sort of thing--she -could not impress the Shah with soldiers; something -else must be tried. And so on. Column after -column, page after page of agony about how to -“impress the Shah.” At last they had hit upon a -happy idea--a grand naval exhibition. That was -it! A man brought up in Oriental seclusion and -simplicity, a man who had never seen anything but -camels and such things, could not help being surprised -and delighted with the strange novelty of ships. The -distress was at an end. England heaved a great sigh -of relief; she knew at last how to impress the -Shah.</p> - -<p class='c001'>My course was very plain, now, after that bit of -reflection. All I had to do was to go over to Belgium -and impress the Shah. I failed to form any definite -plan as to the process, but I made up my mind to -manage it somehow. I said to myself, “I will impress -<span class='pageno' id='Page_34'>34</span>this Shah or there shall be a funeral that will be -worth contemplating.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>I went to bed then, but did not sleep a great deal, -for the responsibilities were weighing pretty heavily -upon me. At six o’clock in the morning Mr. Blank -came and turned me out. I was surprised at this, -and not gratified, for I detest early rising. I never -like to say severe things, but I was a good deal tried -this time. I said I did not mind getting up moderately -early, but I hated to be called day before -yesterday. However, as I was acting in a national -capacity and for a country that I liked, I stopped -grumbling and we set out. A grand naval review is -a good thing to impress a Shah with, but if he would -try getting up at six o’clock in the morning--but no -matter; we started.</p> - -<p class='c001'>We took the Dover train and went whistling along -over the housetops at the rate of fifty miles an hour, -and just as smoothly and pleasantly, too, as if we -were in a sleigh. One never can have anything but -a very vague idea of what speed is until he travels -over an English railway. Our “lightning” expresses -are sleepy and indolent by comparison. We looked -into the back windows of the endless ranks of houses -abreast and below us, and saw many a homelike little -family of early birds sitting at their breakfasts. New -views and new aspects of London were about me; -the mighty city seemed to spread farther and wider -in the clear morning air than it had ever done before. -There is something awe-inspiring about the mere -look of the figures that express the population of -London when one comes to set them down in a good -<span class='pageno' id='Page_35'>35</span>large hand--4,000,000! It takes a body’s breath -away, almost.</p> - -<p class='c001'>We presently left the city behind. We had started -drowsy, but we did not stay so. How could we, with -the brilliant sunshine pouring down, the balmy wind -blowing through the open windows, and the Garden -of Eden spread all abroad? We swept along through -rolling expanses of growing grain--not a stone or a -stump to mar their comeliness, not an unsightly fence -or an ill-kept hedge; through broad meadows covered -with fresh green grass as clean swept as if a broom -had been at work there--little brooks wandering up -and down them, noble trees here and there, cows in -the shade, groves in the distance and church spires -projecting out of them; and there were the quaintest -old-fashioned houses set in the midst of smooth lawns -or partly hiding themselves among fine old forest -trees; and there was one steep-roofed ancient cottage -whose walls all around, and whose roof, and whose -chimneys, were clothed in a shining mail of ivy -leaves!--so thoroughly, indeed, that only one little -patch of roof was visible to prove that the house -was not a mere house of leaves, with glass windows -in it. Imagine those dainty little homes surrounded -by flowering shrubs and bright green grass and all -sorts of old trees--and then go on and try to imagine -something more bewitching.</p> - -<p class='c001'>By and by we passed Rochester, and, sure enough, -right there, on the highest ground in the town and -rising imposingly up from among clustering roofs, -was the gray old castle--roofless, ruined, ragged, the -sky beyond showing clear and blue through the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_36'>36</span>glassless windows, the walls partly clad with ivy--a -time-scarred, weather-beaten old pile, but ever so -picturesque and ever so majestic, too. There it was, -a whole book of English history. I had read of -Rochester Castle a thousand times, but I had never -really believed there was any such building before.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Presently we reached the sea and came to a stand -far out on a pier; and here was Dover and more -history. The chalk cliffs of England towered up -from the shore and the French coast was visible. -On the tallest hill sat Dover Castle, stately and -spacious and superb, looking just as it has always -looked any time these ten or fifteen thousand years--I -do not know its exact age, and it does not matter, -anyway.</p> - -<p class='c001'>We stepped aboard the little packet and steamed -away. The sea was perfectly smooth, and painfully -brilliant in the sunshine. There were no curiosities -in the vessel except the passengers and a placard -in French setting forth the transportation fares for -various kinds of people. The lithographer probably -considered that placard a triumph. It was printed -in green, blue, red, black, and yellow; no individual -line in one color, even the individual letters were -separately colored. For instance, the first letter of -a word would be blue, the next red, the next green, -and so on. The placard looked as if it had the smallpox -or something. I inquired the artist’s name and -place of business, intending to hunt him up and kill -him when I had time; but no one could tell me. In -the list of prices first-class passengers were set down -at fifteen shillings and four pence, and dead bodies -<span class='pageno' id='Page_37'>37</span>at one pound ten shillings and eight pence--just -double price! That is Belgian morals, I suppose. -I never say a harsh thing unless I am greatly stirred; -but in my opinion the man who would take advantage -of a dead person would do almost any odious -thing. I publish this scandalous discrimination -against the most helpless class among us in order -that people intending to die abroad may come back -by some other line.</p> - -<p class='c001'>We skimmed over to Ostend in four hours and -went ashore. The first gentleman we saw happened -to be the flag lieutenant of the fleet, and he told -me where the <i>Lively</i> lay, and said she would sail about -six in the morning. Heavens and earth. He said -he would give my letter to the proper authority, and -so we thanked him and bore away for the hotel. -Bore away is good sailor phraseology, and I have -been at sea portions of two days now. I easily pick -up a foreign language.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Ostend is a curious, comfortable-looking, massively -built town, where the people speak both the French -and the Flemish with exceeding fluency, and yet I -could not understand them in either tongue. But -I will write the rest about Ostend in to-morrow’s -letter.</p> - -<p class='c001'>We idled about this curious Ostend the remainder -of the afternoon and far into the long-lived twilight, -apparently to amuse ourselves, but secretly I had a -deeper motive. I wanted to see if there was anything -here that might “impress the Shah.” In the -end I was reassured and content. If Ostend could -impress him, England could amaze the head clear off -<span class='pageno' id='Page_38'>38</span>his shoulders and have marvels left that not even -the trunk could be indifferent to.</p> - -<p class='c001'>These citizens of Flanders--Flounders, I think they -call them, though I feel sure I have eaten a creature -of that name or seen it in an aquarium or a menagerie, -or in a picture or somewhere--are a thrifty, industrious -race, and are as commercially wise and farsighted -as they were in Edward the Third’s time, -and as enduring and patient under adversity as they -were in Charles the Bold’s. They are prolific in the -matter of children; in some of the narrow streets -every house seemed to have had a freshet of children, -which had burst through and overflowed into the -roadway. One could hardly get along for the pack -of juveniles, and they were all soiled and all healthy. -They all wore wooden shoes, which clattered noisily -on the stone pavements. All the women were hard -at work; there were no idlers about the houses. -The men were away at labor, no doubt. In nearly -every door women sat at needlework or something -of that marketable nature--they were knitting principally. -Many groups of women sat in the street, -in the shade of walls, making point lace. The lace -maker holds a sort of pillow on her knees with a strip -of cardboard fastened on it, on which the lace pattern -has been punctured. She sticks bunches of pins in -the punctures and about them weaves her web of -threads. The numberless threads diverge from the -bunch of pins like the spokes of a wheel, and the -spools from which the threads are being unwound -form the outer circle of the wheel. The woman -throws these spools about her with flying fingers, in -<span class='pageno' id='Page_39'>39</span>and out, over and under one another, and so fast that -you can hardly follow the evolutions with your eyes. -In the chaos and confusion of skipping spools you -wonder how she can possibly pick up the right one -every time, and especially how she can go on gossiping -with her friends all the time and yet never seem -to miss a stitch. The laces these ingenious Flounders -were making were very dainty and delicate in texture -and very beautiful in design.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Most of the shops in Ostend seemed devoted to -the sale of sea shells. All sorts of figures of men and -women were made of shells; one sort was composed -of grotesque and ingenious combinations of lobster -claws in the human form. And they had other -figures made of stuffed frogs--some fencing, some -barbering each other, and some were not to be -described at all without indecent language. It must -require a barbarian nature to be able to find humor -in such nauseating horrors as these last. These -things were exposed in the public windows where -young girls and little children could see them, and -in the shops sat the usual hairy-lipped young woman -waiting to sell them.</p> - -<p class='c001'>There was a contrivance attached to the better -class of houses which I had heard of before, but -never seen. It was an arrangement of mirrors outside -the window, so contrived that the people within -could see who was coming either up or down the -street--see all that might be going on, in fact--without -opening the window or twisting themselves -into uncomfortable positions in order to look.</p> - -<p class='c001'>A capital thing to watch for unwelcome (or welcome) -<span class='pageno' id='Page_40'>40</span>visitors with, or to observe pageants in cold -or rainy weather. People in second and third stories -had, also, another mirror which showed who was -passing underneath.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The dining room at our hotel was very spacious -and rather gorgeous. One end of it was composed -almost entirely of a single pane of plate glass, some -two inches thick--for this is the plate-glass manufacturing -region, you remember. It was very clear -and fine. If one were to enter the place in such a way -as not to catch the sheen of the glass, he would suppose -that the end of the house was wide open to the -sun and the storms. A strange boyhood instinct -came strongly upon me, and I could not really enjoy -my dinner, I wanted to break that glass so badly. -I have no doubt that every man feels so, and I know -that such a glass must be simply torture to a boy.</p> - -<p class='c001'>This dining room’s walls were almost completely -covered with large oil paintings in frames.</p> - -<p class='c001'>It was an excellent hotel; the utmost care was -taken that everything should go right. I went to -bed at ten and was called at eleven to “take the -early train.” I said I was not the one, so the servant -stirred up the next door and he was not the one; -then the next door and the next--no success--and -so on till the reverberations of the knocking were -lost in the distance down the hall, and I fell asleep -again. They called me at twelve to take another -early train, but I said I was not the one again, and -asked as a favor that they would be particular to call -the rest next time, but never mind me. However, -they could not understand my English; they only said -<span class='pageno' id='Page_41'>41</span>something in reply to signify that, and then went -on banging up the boarders, none of whom desired -to take the early train.</p> - -<p class='c001'>When they called me at one, it made my rest seem -very broken, and I said if they would skip me at two -I would call myself--not really intending to do it, -but hoping to beguile the porter and deceive him. -He probably suspected that and was afraid to trust -me, because when he made his rounds at that hour -he did not take any chances on me, but routed me -out along with the others. I got some more sleep -after that, but when the porter called me at three -I felt depressed and jaded and greatly discouraged. -So I gave it up and dressed myself. The porter -got me a cup of coffee and kept me awake while -I drank it. He was a good, well-meaning sort of -Flounder, but really a drawback to the hotel, I -should think.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Poor Mr. Blank came in then, looking worn and -old. He had been called for all the different trains, -too, just as I had. He said it was a good enough -hotel, but they took too much pains. While we sat -there talking we fell asleep and were called again at -four. Then we went out and dozed about town till -six, and then drifted aboard the <i>Lively</i>.</p> - -<p class='c001'>She was trim and bright, and clean and smart; -she was as handsome as a picture. The sailors were -in brand-new man-of-war costume, and plenty of -officers were about the decks in the state uniform -of the service--cocked hats, huge epaulettes, claw-hammer -coats lined with white silk--hats and coats -and trousers all splendid with gold lace. I judged -<span class='pageno' id='Page_42'>42</span>that these were all admirals, and so got afraid and -went ashore again. Our vessel was to carry the -Shah’s brother, also the Grand Vizier, several Persian -princes, who were uncles to the Shah, and other -dignitaries of more or less consequence. A vessel -alongside was to carry the luggage, and a vessel just -ahead (the <i>Vigilant</i>) was to carry nobody but just -the Shah and certain Ministers of State and servants -and the Queen’s special ambassador, Sir Henry -Rawlinson, who is a Persian scholar and talks to the -Shah in his own tongue.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I was very glad, for several reasons, to find that -I was not to go in the same ship with the Shah. -First, with him not immediately under my eye I -would feel less responsibility for him; and, secondly, -as I was anxious to impress him, I wanted to -practice on his brother first.</p> - -<h4 class='c020'>THE SHAH’S QUARTERS</h4> - -<p class='c013'>On the afterdeck of the <i>Vigilant</i>--very handsome -ship--a temporary cabin had been constructed for -the sole and special use of the Shah, temporary -but charmingly substantial and graceful and pretty. -It was about thirty feet long and twelve wide, -beautifully gilded, decorated and painted within -and without. Among its colors was a shade of -light green, which reminds me of an anecdote about -the Persian party, which I will speak of in to-morrow’s -letter.</p> - -<p class='c001'>It was getting along toward the time for the Shah -to arrive from Brussels, so I ranged up alongside my -<span class='pageno' id='Page_43'>43</span>own ship. I do not know when I ever felt so ill at -ease and undecided. It was a sealed letter which I -had brought from the Admiralty, and I could not -guess what the purport of it might be. I supposed -I was intended to command the ship--that is, I had -supposed it at first, but, after seeing all those splendid -officers, I had discarded that idea. I cogitated a -good deal, but to no purpose. Presently a regiment -of Belgian troops arrived and formed in line along -the pier. Then a number of people began to spread -down carpets for fifty yards along the pier, by the -railway track, and other carpets were laid from these -to the ships. The gangway leading on board my -ship was now carpeted and its railings were draped -with bright-colored signal flags. It began to look as -if I was expected; so I walked on board. A sailor -immediately ran and stopped me, and made another -sailor bring a mop for me to wipe my feet on, lest I -might soil the deck, which was wonderfully clean -and nice. Evidently I was not the person expected, -after all. I pointed to the group of officers and asked -the sailor what the naval law would do to a man if -he were to go and speak to some of those admirals--for -there was an awful air of etiquette and punctilio -about the premises; but just then one of those officers -came forward and said that if his instinct was correct -an Admiralty order had been received giving -me a passage in the ship; and he also said that he -was the first lieutenant, and that I was very welcome -and he would take pains to make me feel at home, -and furthermore there was champagne and soda -waiting down below; and furthermore still, all the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_44'>44</span>London correspondents, to the number of six or -seven, would arrive from Brussels with the Shah, -and would go in our ship, and if our passage were -not a lively one, and a jolly and enjoyable one, it -would be a very strange thing indeed. I could have -jumped for joy if I had not been afraid of breaking -some rule of naval etiquette and getting hanged -for it.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Now the train was signaled, and everybody got -ready for the great event. The Belgian regiment -straightened itself up, and some two hundred -Flounders arrived and took conspicuous position -on a little mound. I was a little afraid that this -would impress the Shah; but I was soon occupied -with other interests. The train of thirteen cars -came tearing in, and stopped abreast the ships. -Music and guns began an uproar. Odd-looking -Persian faces and felt hats (brimless stovepipes) -appeared at the car windows.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Some gorgeous English officials fled down the -carpet from the <i>Vigilant</i>. They stopped at a long -car with the royal arms upon it, uncovered their -heads, and unlocked the car door. Then the Shah -stood up in it and gave us a good view. He was a -handsome, strong-featured man, with a rather European -fairness of complexion; had a mustache, wore -spectacles, seemed of a good height and graceful build -and carriage, and looked about forty or a shade less. -He was very simply dressed--brimless stovepipe and -close-buttoned dark-green military suit, without -ornament. No, not wholly without ornament, for -he had a band two inches wide worn over his shoulder -<span class='pageno' id='Page_45'>45</span>and down across his breast, scarf fashion, which -band was one solid glory of fine diamonds.</p> - -<p class='c001'>A Persian official appeared in the Shah’s rear and -enveloped him in an ample quilt--or cloak, if you -please--which was lined with fur. The outside of -it was of a whitish color and elaborately needle-worked -in Persian patterns like an India shawl. -The Shah stepped out and the official procession -formed about him and marched him down the carpet -and on board the <i>Vigilant</i> to slow music. Not a -Flounder raised a cheer. All the small fry swarmed -out of the train now.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The Shah walked back alongside his fine cabin, -looking at the assemblage of silent, solemn Flounders; -the correspondent of the London <cite>Telegraph</cite> was -hurrying along the pier and took off his hat and -bowed to the “King of Kings,” and the King of -Kings gave a polite military salute in return. This -was the commencement of the excitement. The -success of the breathless <cite>Telegraph</cite> man made all the -other London correspondents mad, every man of -whom flourished his stovepipe recklessly and cheered -lustily, some of the more enthusiastic varying the -exercise by lowering their heads and elevating their -coat tails. Seeing all this, and feeling that if I was -to “impress the Shah” at all, now was my time, I -ventured a little squeaky yell, quite distinct from -the other shouts, but just as hearty. His Shahship -heard and saw and saluted me in a manner that was, -I considered, an acknowledgment of my superior importance. -I do not know that I ever felt so ostentatious -and absurd before. All the correspondents came -<span class='pageno' id='Page_46'>46</span>aboard, and then the Persian baggage came also, -and was carried across to the ship alongside of ours. -When she could hold no more we took somewhere -about a hundred trunks and boxes on board our -vessel. Two boxes fell into the water, and several -sailors jumped in and saved one, but the other -was lost. However, it probably contained nothing -but a few hundred pounds of diamonds and -things.</p> - -<p class='c001'>At last we got under way and steamed out through -a long slip, the piers on either side being crowded with -Flounders; but never a cheer. A battery of three -guns on the starboard pier boomed a royal salute, -and we swept out to sea, the <i>Vigilant</i> in the lead, -we right in her wake, and the baggage ship in ours. -Within fifteen minutes everybody was well acquainted; -a general jollification set in, and I was thoroughly glad -I had come over to fetch the Shah.</p> - -<h3 class='c012'>II <br /> MARK TWAIN EXECUTES HIS CONTRACT AND DELIVERS <br /> THE SHAH IN LONDON</h3> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c000'> - <div><span class='sc'>London</span>, <i>June 19, 1873</i>.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<h4 class='c020'>SOME PERSIAN FINERY</h4> - -<p class='c013'>Leaving Ostend, we went out to sea under a -clear sky and upon smooth water--so smooth, -indeed, that its surface was scarcely rippled. I say -the sky was clear, and so it was, clear and sunny; -but a rich haze lay upon the water in the distance--a -soft, mellow mist, through which a scattering sail -<span class='pageno' id='Page_47'>47</span>or two loomed vaguely. One may call such a morning -perfect.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The corps of correspondents were well jaded with -their railway journey, but after champagne and soda -downstairs with the officers, everybody came up -refreshed and cheery and exceedingly well acquainted -all around. The Persian grandees had meantime -taken up a position in a glass house on the afterdeck, -and were sipping coffee in a grave, Oriental -way. They all had much lighter complexions and -a more European cast of features than I was prepared -for, and several of them were exceedingly -handsome, fine-looking men.</p> - -<p class='c001'>They all sat in a <a id='corr47.14'></a><span class='htmlonly'><ins class='correction' title='cricle'>circle</ins></span><span class='epubonly'><a href='#c_47.14'><ins class='correction' title='cricle'>circle</ins></a></span> on a sofa (the deckhouse -being circular), and they made a right gaudy spectacle. -Their breasts were completely crusted with -gold bullion embroidery of a pattern resembling -frayed and interlacing ferns, and they had large -jeweled ornaments on their breasts also. The Grand -Vizier came out to have a look around. In addition -to the sumptuous gold fernery on his breast he wore -a jeweled star as large as the palm of my hand, and -about his neck hung the Shah’s miniature, reposing -in a bed of diamonds, that gleamed and flashed in a -wonderful way when touched by the sunlight. It -was said that to receive the Shah’s portrait from -the Shah was the highest compliment that could be -conferred upon a Persian subject. I did not care so -much about the diamonds, but I would have liked -to have the portrait very much. The Grand Vizier’s -sword hilt and the whole back of the sheath from -end to end were composed of a neat and simple -<span class='pageno' id='Page_48'>48</span>combination of some twelve or fifteen thousand -emeralds and diamonds.</p> - -<h4 class='c020'>“IMPRESSING” A PERSIAN GENERAL</h4> - -<p class='c013'>Several of the Persians talked French and English. -One of them, who was said to be a general, came up -on the bridge where some of us were standing, pointed -to a sailor, and asked me if I could tell him what -that sailor was doing?</p> - -<p class='c001'>I said he was communicating with the other ships -by means of the optical telegraph--that by using -the three sticks the whole alphabet could be -expressed. I showed him how A, B and C were -made, and so forth. Good! This Persian was -“impressed”! He showed it by his eyes, by his -gestures, by his manifest surprise and delight. I -said to myself, if the Shah were only here now, the -grand desire of Great Britain could be accomplished. -The general immediately called the other grandees -and told them about this telegraphic wonder. Then -he said:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Now does everyone on board acquire this -knowledge?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“No, only the officers.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“And this sailor?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“He is only the signalman. Two or three sailors -on board are detailed for this service, and by order -and direction of the officers they communicate with -the other ships.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Very good! very fine! Very great indeed!”</p> - -<p class='c001'>These men were unquestionably impressed. I got -<span class='pageno' id='Page_49'>49</span>the sailor to bring the signal book, and the matter -was fully explained, to their high astonishment; -also the flag signals, and likewise the lamp signals -for night telegraphing. Of course, the idea came -into my head, in the first place, to ask one of the -officers to conduct this bit of instruction, but I at -once dismissed it. I judged that this would all go -to the Shah, sooner or later. I had come over on -purpose to “impress the Shah,” and I was not going -to throw away my opportunity. I wished the Queen -had been there; I would have been knighted, sure. -You see, they knight people here for all sorts of -things--knight them, or put them into the peerage -and make great personages of them. Now, for -instance, a king comes over here on a visit; the Lord -Mayor and sheriffs do him becoming honors in the -city, and straightway the former is created a baronet -and the latter are knighted. When the Prince of -Wales recovered from his illness one of his chief -physicians was made a baronet and the other was -knighted. Charles II made duchesses of one or two -female acquaintances of his for something or other--I -have forgotten now what it was. A London shoe-maker’s -apprentice became a great soldier--indeed, -a Wellington--won prodigious victories in many -climes and covered the British arms with glory all -through a long life; and when he was 187 years old -they knighted him and made him Constable of the -Tower. But he died next year and they buried him -in Westminster Abbey. There is no telling what -that man might have become if he had lived. So -you see what a chance I had; for I have no doubt in -<span class='pageno' id='Page_50'>50</span>the world that I have been the humble instrument, -under Providence, of “impressing the Shah.” And -I really believe that if the Queen comes to hear of -it I shall be made a duke.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Friends intending to write will not need to be -reminded that a duke is addressed as “Your Grace”; -it is considered a great offense to leave that off.</p> - -<h4 class='c020'>A PICTURESQUE NAVAL SPECTACLE</h4> - -<p class='c013'>When we were a mile or so out from Ostend conversation -ceased, an expectant look came into all -faces, and opera glasses began to stand out from -above all noses. This impressive hush lasted a few -minutes, and then some one said:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“There they are!”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Where?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Away yonder ahead--straight ahead.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>Which was true. Three huge shapes smothered -in the haze--the <i>Vanguard</i>, the <i>Audacious</i>, and the -<i>Devastation</i>--all great ironclads. They were to do -escort duty. The officers and correspondents gathered -on the forecastle and waited for the next act. -A red spout of fire issued from the <i>Vanguard’s</i> side, -another flashed from the <i>Audacious</i>. Beautiful these -red tongues were against the dark haze. Then there -was a long pause--ever so long a pause and not a -sound, not the suspicion of a sound; and now, out -of the stillness, came a deep, solemn “boom! boom!” -It had not occurred to me that at so great a distance -I would not hear the report as soon as I saw the -flash. The two crimson jets were very beautiful, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_51'>51</span>but not more so than the rolling volumes of white -smoke that plunged after them, rested a moment -over the water, and then went wreathing and curling -up among the webbed rigging and the tall masts, -and left only glimpses of these things visible, high -up in the air, projecting as if from a fog.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Now the flashes came thick and fast from the -black sides of both vessels. The muffled thunders -of the guns mingled together in one continued roll, -the two ships were lost to sight, and in their places -two mountains of tumbled smoke rested upon the -motionless water, their bases in the hazy twilight -and their summits shining in the sun. It was good -to be there and see so fine a spectacle as that.</p> - -<h4 class='c020'>THE NAVAL SALUTE</h4> - -<p class='c013'>We closed up fast upon the ironclads. They fell -apart to let our flotilla come between, and as the -<i>Vigilant</i> ranged up the rigging of the ironclads was -manned to salute the Shah. And, indeed, that was -something to see. The shrouds, from the decks clear -to the trucks, away up toward the sky, were black -with men. On the lower rounds of these rope ladders -they stood five abreast, holding each other’s hands, -and so the tapering shrouds formed attenuated -pyramids of humanity, six pyramids of them towering -into the upper air, and clear up on the top of -each dizzy mast stood a little creature like a clothes -pin--a mere black peg against the sky--and that -mite was a sailor waving a flag like a postage stamp. -All at once the pyramids of men burst into a cheer, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_52'>52</span>and followed it with two more, given with a will; -and if the Shah was not impressed he must be the -offspring of a mummy.</p> - -<p class='c001'>And just at this moment, while we all stood there -gazing---</p> - -<p class='c001'>However breakfast was announced and I did not -wait to see.</p> - -<h4 class='c020'>THE THIRTY-FOUR-TON GUNS SPEAK</h4> - -<p class='c013'>If there is one thing that is pleasanter than another -it is to take breakfast in the wardroom with a dozen -naval officers. Of course, that awe-inspiring monarch, -the captain, is aft, keeping frozen state with the -Grand Viziers when there are any on board, and so -there is nobody in the wardroom to maintain naval -etiquette. As a consequence none is maintained. -One officer, in a splendid uniform, snatches a champagne -bottle from a steward and opens it himself; -another keeps the servants moving; another opens -soda; everybody eats, drinks, shouts, laughs in the -most unconstrained way, and it does seem a pity -that ever the thing should come to an end. No -individual present seemed sorry he was not in the -ship with the Shah. When the festivities had been -going on about an hour, some tremendous booming -was heard outside. Now here was a question between -duty and broiled chicken. What might that booming -mean? Anguish sat upon the faces of the correspondents. -I watched to see what they would do, -and the precious moments were flying. Somebody -cried down a companionway:</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_53'>53</span>“The <i>Devastation</i> is saluting!”</p> - -<p class='c001'>The correspondents tumbled over one another, -over chairs, over everything in their frenzy to get -on deck, and the last gun reverberated as the last -heel disappeared on the stairs. The <i>Devastation</i>, the -pride of England, the mightiest war vessel afloat, -carrying guns that outweigh any metal in any -service, it is said (thirty-five tons each), and these -boys had missed that spectacle--at least I knew -that some of them had. I did not go. Age has -taught me wisdom. If a spectacle is going to be -particularly imposing I prefer to see it through -somebody else’s eyes, because that man will always -exaggerate. Then I can exaggerate his exaggeration, -and my account of the thing will be the most -impressive.</p> - -<p class='c001'>But I felt that I had missed my figure this time, -because I was not sure which of these gentlemen -reached the deck in time for a glimpse and which -didn’t. And this morning I cannot tell by the -London papers. They all have imposing descriptions -of that thing, and no one of them resembles -another. Mr. X’s is perhaps the finest, but he was -singing a song about “Spring, Spring, Gentle Spring,” -all through the bombardment, and was overexcited, -I fear.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The next best was Mr. Y’s; but he was telling -about how he took a Russian battery, along with -another man, during the Crimean War, and he was -not fairly through the story till the salute was over, -though I remember he went up and saw the smoke. -I will not frame a description of the <i>Devastation’s</i> -<span class='pageno' id='Page_54'>54</span>salute, for I have no material that I can feel sure -is reliable.</p> - -<h4 class='c020'>THE GRAND SPECTACULAR CLIMAX</h4> - -<p class='c013'>When we first sailed away from Ostend I found -myself in a dilemma; I had no notebook. But -“any port in a storm,” as the sailors say. I found -a fair, full pack of ordinary playing cards in my -overcoat pocket--one always likes to have something -along to amuse children with--and really -they proved excellent to take notes on, although -bystanders were a bit inclined to poke fun at -them and ask facetious questions. But I was content; -I made all the notes I needed. The aces and -low “spot” cards are very good indeed to write -memoranda on, but I will not recommend the -Kings and Jacks.</p> - -<h4 class='c020'>SPEAKING BY THE CARDS</h4> - -<p class='c013'>Referring to the seven of hearts, I find that -this naval exhibition and journey from Ostend to -Dover is going to cost the government £500,000. -Got it from a correspondent. It is a round -sum.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Referring to the ace of diamonds, I find that along -in the afternoon we sighted a fresh fleet of men-of-war -coming to meet us. The rest of the diamonds, -down to the eight spot (nines and tens are no -good for notes) are taken up with details of that -spectacle. Most of the clubs and hearts refer to -<span class='pageno' id='Page_55'>55</span>matters immediately following that, but I really -can hardly do anything with them because I -have forgotten what was trumps.</p> - -<h4 class='c020'>THE SPECTACLE</h4> - -<p class='c013'>But never mind. The sea scene grew little by -little, until presently it was very imposing. We -drew up into the midst of a waiting host of vessels. -Enormous five-masted men-of-war, great turret ships, -steam packets, pleasure yachts--every sort of craft, -indeed--the sea was thick with them; the yards and -riggings of the warships loaded with men, the packets -crowded with people, the pleasure ships rainbowed -with brilliant flags all over and over--some with -flags strung thick on lines stretching from bowsprit -to foremast, thence to mainmast, thence to mizzenmast, -and thence to stern. All the ships were in -motion--gliding hither and thither, in and out, -mingling and parting--a bewildering whirl of flash -and color. Our leader, the vast, black, ugly, but -very formidable <i>Devastation</i>, plowed straight through -the gay throng, our Shah-ships following, the lines -of big men-of-war saluting, the booming of the guns -drowning the cheering, stately islands of smoke -towering everywhere. And so, in this condition of -unspeakable grandeur, we swept into the harbor of -Dover, and saw the English princes and the long -ranks of red-coated soldiers waiting on the pier, -civilian multitudes behind them, the lofty hill -front by the castle swarming with spectators, and -there was the crash of cannon and a general hurrah -<span class='pageno' id='Page_56'>56</span>all through the air. It was rather a contrast -to silent Ostend and the unimpressible Flanders.</p> - -<h4 class='c020'>THE SHAH “IMPRESSED” AT LAST</h4> - -<p class='c013'>The Duke of Edinburgh and Prince Arthur received -the Shah in state, and then all of us--princes, Shahs, -ambassadors, Grand Viziers and newspaper correspondents--climbed -aboard the train and started off -to London just like so many brothers.</p> - -<p class='c001'>From Dover to London it was a sight to see. -Seventy miles of human beings in a jam--the gaps -were not worth mentioning--and every man, woman, -and child waving hat or handkerchief and cheering. -I wondered--could not tell--could not be sure--could -only wonder--would this “impress the Shah”? -I would have given anything to know. But--well, -it ought--but--still one could not tell.</p> - -<p class='c001'>And by and by we burst into the London Railway -station--a very large station it is--and found it -wonderfully decorated and all the neighboring streets -packed with cheering citizens. Would this impress -the Shah? I--I--well, I could not yet feel certain.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The Prince of Wales received the Shah--ah, you -should have seen how gorgeously the Shah was -dressed now--he was like the sun in a total eclipse -of rainbows--yes, the Prince received him, put him -in a grand open carriage, got in and made him -sit over further and not “crowd,” the carriage clattered -out of the station, all London fell apart on -either side and lifted a perfectly national cheer, -and just at that instant the bottom fell out of -<span class='pageno' id='Page_57'>57</span>the sky and forty deluges came pouring down at -once!</p> - -<p class='c001'>The great strain was over, the crushing suspense -at an end. I said, “Thank God, this will impress -the Shah.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>Now came the long files of Horse Guards in silver -armor. We took the great Persian to Buckingham -Palace. I never stirred till I saw the gates open -and close upon him with my own eyes and knew he -was there. Then I said:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“England, here is your Shah; take him and be -happy, but don’t ever ask me to fetch over another -one.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>This contract has been pretty straining on me.</p> - -<h3 class='c012'>III <br /> THE SHAH AS A SOCIAL STAR</h3> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c000'> - <div><span class='sc'>London</span>, <i>June 21, 1873</i>.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c011'>After delivering the Shah at the gates of that -unsightly pile of dreary grandeur known as -Buckingham Palace I cast all responsibility for him -aside for the time being, and experienced a sense of -relief and likewise an honest pride in my success, -such as no man can feel who has not had a Shah at -nurse (so to speak) for three days.</p> - -<p class='c001'>It is said by those who ought to know that when -Buckingham Palace was being fitted up as a home -for the Shah one of the chief rooms was adorned -with a rich carpet which had been designed and -manufactured especially to charm the eye of His -Majesty. The story goes on to say that a couple of -<span class='pageno' id='Page_58'>58</span>the Persian suite came here a week ago to see that -all things were in readiness and nothing overlooked, -and that when they reached that particular room -and glanced at the lovely combination of green -figures and white ones in that carpet they gathered -their robes carefully up about their knees and then -went elaborately tiptoeing about the floor with the -aspect and anxiety of a couple of cats hunting for -dry ground in a wet country, and they stepped only -on the white figures and almost fainted whenever -they came near touching a green one. It is said that -the explanation is that these visiting Persians are -all Mohammedans, and green being a color sacred -to the descendants of the Prophet, and none of these -people being so descended, it would be dreadful -profanation for them to defile the holy color with -their feet. And the general result of it all was that -carpet had to be taken up and is a dead loss.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Man is a singular sort of human being, after all, -and his religion does not always adorn him. Now, -our religion is the right one, and has fewer odd and -striking features than any other; and yet my -ancestors used to roast Catholics and witches and -warm their hands by the fire; but they would be -blanched with horror at the bare thought of breaking -the Sabbath, and here is a Persian monarch who -never sees any impropriety in chopping a subject’s -head off for the mere misdemeanor of calling him -too early for breakfast, and yet would be consumed -with pious remorse if unheeding foot were to chance -to step upon anything so green as you or I, my -reader.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_59'>59</span>Oriental peoples say that women have no souls -to save and, almost without my memory, many -American Protestants said the same of babies. I -thought there was a wide gulf between the Persians -and ourselves, but I begin to feel that they are -really our brothers after all.</p> - -<p class='c001'>After a day’s rest the Shah went to Windsor -Castle and called on the Queen. What that suggests -to the reader’s mind is this:--That the Shah took -a hand satchel and an umbrella, called a cab and -said he wanted to go to the Paddington station; -that when he arrived there the driver charged him -sixpence too much, and he paid it rather than have -trouble; that he tried now to buy a ticket, and was -answered by a ticket seller as surly as a hotel clerk -that he was not selling tickets for that train yet; -that he finally got his ticket, and was beguiled of -his satchel by a railway porter at once, who put it -into a first-class carriage and got a sixpence, which -the company forbids him to receive; that presently -when the guard (or conductor) of the train came -along the Shah slipped a shilling into his hand and -said he wanted to smoke, and straightway the guard -signified that it was all right; that when the Shah -arrived at Windsor Castle he rang the bell, and when -the girl came to the door asked her if the Queen was -at home, and she left him standing in the hall and -went to see; that by and by she returned and said -would he please sit down in the front room and Mrs. -Guelph would be down directly; that he hung his -hat on the hatrack, stood his umbrella up in the -corner, entered the front room and sat down on a -<span class='pageno' id='Page_60'>60</span>haircloth chair; that he waited and waited and got -tired; that he got up and examined the old piano, -the depressing lithographs on the walls and the -album of photographs of faded country relatives -on the center table, and was just about to fall -back on the family Bible when the Queen entered -briskly and begged him to sit down and apologized -for keeping him waiting, but she had just got a -new girl and everything was upside down, and so -forth and so on; but how are the family, and -when did he arrive, and how long should he stay -and why didn’t he bring his wife. I knew that -that was the picture which would spring up in the -American reader’s mind when it was said the Shah -went to visit the Queen, because that was the -picture which the announcement suggested to -my own mind.</p> - -<p class='c001'>But it was far from the facts, very far. Nothing -could be farther. In truth, these people made as -much of a to do over a mere friendly call as anybody -else would over a conflagration. There were -special railway trains for the occasion; there was -a general muster of princes and dukes to go along, -each one occupying room 40; there were regiments -of cavalry to clear the way; railway stations -were turned into flower gardens, sheltered with -flags and all manner of gaudy splendor; there were -multitudes of people to look on over the heads of -interminable ranks of policemen standing shoulder -to shoulder and facing front; there was braying of -music and booming of cannon. All that fuss, in -sober truth, over a mere off-hand friendly call. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_61'>61</span>Imagine what it would have been if he had brought -another shirt and was going to stay a month.</p> - -<h4 class='c020'>AT THE GUILDHALL</h4> - -<p class='c013'>Truly, I am like to suffocate with astonishment -at the things that are going on around me here. It -is all odd, it is all queer enough, I can tell you; -but last night’s work transcends anything I ever -heard of in the way of--well, how shall I express it? -how can I word it? I find it awkward to get at it. -But to say it in a word--and it is a true one, too, as -hundreds and hundreds of people will testify--last -night the Corporation of the City of London, with a -simplicity and ignorance which almost rise to sublimity, -actually gave a ball to a Shah who does not -dance. If I would allow myself to laugh at a cruel -mistake, this would start me. It is the oddest thing -that has happened since I have had charge of the -Shah. There is some excuse for it in the fact that the -Aldermen of London are simply great and opulent -merchants, and cannot be expected to know much -about the ways of high life--but then they could -have asked some of us who have been with the Shah.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The ball was a marvel in its way. The historical -Guildhall was a scene of great magnificence. There -was a high dais at one end, on which were three -state chairs under a sumptuous canopy; upon the -middle one sat the Shah, who was almost a Chicago -conflagration of precious stones and gold bullion -lace. Among other gems upon his breast were a -number of emeralds of marvelous size, and from -<span class='pageno' id='Page_62'>62</span>a loop hung an historical diamond of great size -and wonderful beauty. On the right of the Shah -sat the Princess of Wales, and on his left the wife -of the Crown Prince of Russia. Grouped about -the three stood a full jury of minor princes, -princesses, and ambassadors hailing from many -countries.</p> - -<h4 class='c020'>THE TWO CORRALS</h4> - -<p class='c013'>The immense hall was divided in the middle by a -red rope. The Shah’s division was sacred to blue -blood, and there was breathing room there; but the -other corral was but a crush of struggling and perspiring -humanity. The place was brilliant with gas -and was a rare spectacle in the matter of splendid -costumes and rich coloring. The lofty stained-glass -windows, pictured with celebrated episodes in the -history of the ancient city, were lighted from the -outside, and one may imagine the beauty of the effect. -The great giants, Gog and Magog (whose origin and -history, curiously enough, are unknown even to -tradition), looked down from the lofty gallery, but -made no observation. Down the long sides of the -hall, with but brief spaces between, were imposing -groups of marble statuary; and, contrasted with the -masses of life and color about them, they made a -picturesque effect. The groups were statues (in -various attitudes) of the Duke of Wellington. I do -not say this knowingly, but only supposingly; but -I never have seen a statue in England yet that -represented anybody but the Duke of Wellington, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_63'>63</span>and, as for the streets and terraces and courts and -squares that are named after him or after selections -from his 797 titles, they are simply beyond the -grasp of arithmetic. This reminds me that, having -named everything after Wellington that there was -left to name in England (even down to Wellington -boots), our British brothers, still unsatisfied, still -oppressed with adulation, blandly crossed over -and named our Californian big trees Wellington, -and put it in Latin at that. They did that, calmly -ignoring the fact that we, the discoverers and owners -of the trees, had long ago named them after a larger -man. However, if the ghost of Wellington enjoys -such a proceeding, possibly the ghost of Washington -will not greatly trouble itself about the matter. But -what really disturbs me is that, while Wellington is -justly still in the fashion here, Washington is fading -out of the fashion with us. It is not a good sign. The -idols we have raised in his stead are not to our -honor.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Some little dancing was done in the sacred corral -in front of the Shah by grandees belonging mainly -to “grace-of-God” families, but he himself never -agitated a foot. The several thousand commoner -people on the other side of the rope could not dance -any more than sardines in a box. Chances to view -the Guildhall spectacle were so hungered for that -people offered £5 for the privilege of standing three -minutes in the musicians’ gallery and were refused. -I cannot convey to you an idea of the inordinate -desire which prevails here to see the Shah better than -by remarking that speculators who held four-seat -<span class='pageno' id='Page_64'>64</span>opera boxes at Covent Garden Theater to-night -were able to get $250 for them. Had all the seats -been sold at auction the opera this evening would -have produced not less than one hundred and twenty-five -thousand dollars in gold! I am below the figures -rather than above them. The greatest house (for -money) that America ever saw was gathered together -upon the occasion of Jenny Lind’s first concert at -Castle Garden. The seats were sold at auction and -produced something over twenty thousand dollars.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I am by no means trying to describe the Guildhall -affair of last night. Such a crush of titled swells; -such a bewildering array of jeweled uniforms and -brilliant feminine costumes; such solemn and awful -reception ceremonies in the library; such grim and -stately imposing addresses and Persian replies; such -imposing processional pageantry later on; such depressing -dancing before the apathetic Shah; such -ornate tables and imperial good cheer at the banquet--it -makes a body tired to merely think of trying -to put all that on paper. Perhaps you, sir, will be -good enough to imagine it, and thus save one who -respects you and honors you five columns of solid -writing.</p> - -<h4 class='c020'>THE LUNATIC ASYLUM IS BLESSED WITH A GLIMPSE</h4> - -<p class='c013'>As regards the momentous occasion of the opera, -this evening, I found myself in a grievous predicament, -for a republican. The tickets were all sold -long ago, so I must either go as a member of the -royal family or not at all. After a good deal of -<span class='pageno' id='Page_65'>65</span>reflection it seemed best not to mix up with that -class lest a political significance might be put upon -it. But a queer arrangement had been devised -whereby I might have a glimpse of the show, and I -took advantage of that. There is an immense barn-like -glass house attached to the rear of the theater, -and that was fitted up with seats, carpets, mirrors, -gas, columns, flowers, garlands, and a meager row -of shrubs strung down the sides on brackets--to -create an imposing forest effect, I suppose. The -place would seat ten or twelve hundred people. All -but a hundred paid a dollar and a quarter a seat--for -what? To look at the Shah three quarters of a -minute, while he walked through to enter the theater. -The remaining hundred paid $11 a seat for the same -privilege, with the added luxury of rushing on the -stage and glancing at the opera audience for one -single minute afterward, while the chorus sung “God -Save the Queen!” We are all gone mad, I do believe. -Eleven hundred five-shilling lunatics and a hundred -two-guinea maniacs. The <cite>Herald</cite> purchased a ticket -and created me one of the latter, along with two or -three more of the staff.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Our cab was about No. 17,342 in the string that -worked its slow way through London and past the -theater. The Shah was not to come till nine o’clock, -and yet we had to be at the theater by half past six, -or we would not get into the glass house at all, they -said. We were there on time, and seated in a small -gallery which overlooked a very brilliantly dressed -throng of people. Every seat was occupied. We -sat there two hours and a half gazing and melting. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_66'>66</span>The wide, red-carpeted central aisle below offered -good display ground for officials in fine uniforms, -and they made good use of it.</p> - -<h4 class='c020'>ROYALTY ARRIVES</h4> - -<p class='c013'>By and by a band in showy uniform came in and -stood opposite the entrance. At the end of a tedious -interval of waiting trumpets sounded outside, there -was some shouting, the band played half of “God -Save the Queen,” and then the Duke and Duchess -of Cambridge and a dozen gorgeous Persian officials -entered. After a little the young Prince Arthur -came, in a blue uniform, with a whole broadside of -gold and silver medals on his breast--for good -behavior, punctuality, accurate spelling, penmanship, -etc., I suppose, but I could not see the inscriptions. -The band gave him some bars of “God Save -the Queen,” too, while he stood under us talking, -with altogether unroyal animation, with the Persians--the -crowd of people staring hungrily at him the -while--country cousins, maybe, who will go home -and say, “I was as close to him as I am to that chair -this minute.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>Then came the Duke of Teck and the Princess -Mary, and the band God-Save-the-Queen’d them -also. Now came the Prince of Wales and the Russian -Tsarina--the royal anthem again, with an extra -blast at the end of it. After them came a young, -handsome, mighty giant, in showy uniform, his -breast covered with glittering orders, and a general’s -chapeau, with a flowing white plume, in his hand--the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_67'>67</span>heir to all the throne of all the Russias. The -band greeted him with the Russian national anthem, -and played it clear through. And they did right; for -perhaps it is not risking too much to say that this -is the only national air in existence that is really -worthy of a great nation.</p> - -<p class='c001'>And at last came the long-expected millennium -himself, His Imperial Majesty the Shah, with the -charming Princess of Wales on his arm. He had all -his jewels on, and his diamond shaving brush in his -hat front. He shone like a window with the westering -sun on it.</p> - -<h4 class='c020'>WHAT THE ASYLUM SAW</h4> - -<p class='c013'>The small space below us was full now--it could -accommodate no more royalty. The august procession -filed down the aisle in double rank, the Shah -and the Princess of Wales in the lead, and cheers -broke forth and a waving of handkerchiefs as the -Princess passed--all said this demonstration was -meant for her. As the procession disappeared -through the farther door, the hundred eleven-dollar -maniacs rushed through a small aperture, then -through an anteroom, and gathered in a flock on -the stage, the chorus striking up “God Save the -Queen” at the same moment.</p> - -<p class='c001'>We stood in a mighty bandbox, or a Roman -coliseum, with a sea of faces stretching far away -over the ground floor, and above them rose five -curving tiers of gaudy humanity, the dizzy upper -tier in the far distance rising sharply up against the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_68'>68</span>roof, like a flower garden trying to hold an earthquake -down and not succeeding. It was a magnificent -spectacle, and what with the roaring of the -chorus, the waving of handkerchiefs, the cheering -of the people, the blazing gas, and the awful splendor -of the long file of royalty, standing breast to breast -in the royal box, it was wonderfully exhilarating, -not to say exciting.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The chorus sang only three-quarters of a minute--one -stanza--and down came the huge curtain and -shut out the fairyland. And then all those eleven-dollar -people hunted their way out again.</p> - -<h4 class='c020'>A NATION DEMENTED</h4> - -<p class='c013'>We are certainly gone mad. We scarcely look at -the young colossus who is to reign over 70,000,000 -of people and the mightiest empire in extent which -exists to-day. We have no eyes but for this splendid -barbarian, who is lord over a few deserts and a -modest ten million of ragamuffins--a man who has -never done anything to win our gratitude or excite -our admiration, except that he managed to starve -a million of his subjects to death in twelve months. -If he had starved the rest I suppose we would set -up a monument to him now.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The London theaters are almost absolutely empty -these nights. Nobody goes, hardly. The managers -are being ruined. The streets for miles are crammed -with people waiting whole long hours for a chance -glimpse of the Shah. I never saw any man “draw” -like this one.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_69'>69</span>Is there any truth in the report that your bureaus -are trying to get the Shah to go over there and -lecture? He could get $100,000 a night here and -choose his own subject.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I know a showman who has got a pill that belonged -to him, and which for some reason he did not take. -That showman will not take any money for that pill. -He is going to travel with it. And let me tell you -he will get more engagements than he can fill in a -year.</p> - -<h3 class='c012'>IV <br />MARK TWAIN HOOKS THE PERSIAN OUT OF <br />THE ENGLISH CHANNEL</h3> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c000'> - <div><span class='sc'>London</span>, <i>June 26, 1873</i>.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c013'>I suppose I am the only member of the Shah’s -family who is not wholly broken down and worn -out; and, to tell the truth, there is not much of me -left. If you have ever been limited to four days in -Paris or Rome or Jerusalem and been “rushed” by -a guide you can form a vague, far-away sort of conception -of what the Shah and the rest of us have -endured during these late momentous days. If this -goes on we may as well get ready for the imperial -inquest.</p> - -<p class='c001'>When I was called at five o’clock the other morning -to go to Portsmouth, and remembered that the -Shah’s incessant movements had left me only three -hours’ sleep that night, nothing but a sense of duty -drove me forth. A cab could not be found, nor a -<span class='pageno' id='Page_70'>70</span>carriage in all London. I lost an hour and a half -waiting and trying, then started on foot and lost -my way; consequently I missed one train by a -good while, another one by three minutes, and then -had more than half an hour to spare before another -would go. Most people had had a similar experience, -and there was comfort in that. We started at last, -and were more than three hours going seventy-two -miles. We stopped at no stations, hardly, but we -halted every fifteen minutes out in the woods and -fields for no purpose that we could discover. Never -was such an opportunity to look at scenery. There -were five strangers in our car, or carriage, as the -English call it, and by degrees their English reserve -thawed out and they passed around their sherry -and sandwiches and grew sociable.</p> - -<p class='c001'>One of them had met the Russian General of -Police in St. Petersburg, and found him a queer old -simple-hearted soldier, proud of his past and devoted -to his master, the present Tsar, and to the memory -of his predecessor, Nicholas. The English gentleman -gave an instance of the old man’s simplicity which -one would not expect in a chief of police. The -general had been visiting London and been greatly -impressed by two things there--the admirable police -discipline and the museum. It transpired that the -museum he referred to was not that mighty collection -of marvels known to all the world as the British -Museum, but Mme. Toussaud’s Waxworks Show; -and in this waxwork show he had seen a figure of -the Emperor Nicholas. And did it please him? Yes, -as to the likeness; for it was a good likeness and a -<span class='pageno' id='Page_71'>71</span>commanding figure; but--“<span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr"><i>Mon Dieu!</i></span> try to fancy -it, m’sieu--dressed in the uniform of a simple colonel -of infantry!--the great Nicholas of Russia, my -august late master, dressed in a colonel’s uniform!”</p> - -<p class='c001'>The old general could not abide that. He went -to the proprietor and remonstrated against this -wanton indignity. The proprietor was grieved; -but it was the only Russian uniform he could get, -and----</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Say no more!” said the general. “May I get -you one?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>The proprietor would be most happy. The general -lost not a moment; he wrote <a id='corr71.13'></a><span class='htmlonly'><ins class='correction' title='it'>at</ins></span><span class='epubonly'><a href='#c_71.13'><ins class='correction' title='it'>at</ins></a></span> once to the Emperor -Alexander, describing with anguish the degradation -which the late great Nicholas was suffering day by -day through his infamously clothed waxen representative, -and imploring His Majesty to send suitable -raiment for the imperial dummy, and also a -letter to authenticate the raiment. And out of -regard for the old servant and respect for his -outraged feelings the Emperor of all the Russias -descended from his Alpine altitude to send to the -Toussaud waxwork the general’s uniform worn last -by his father, and to write with his own hand an -authenticating letter to go with it. So the simple-hearted -police chief was happy once more, and never -once thought of charging the “museum” $10,000 -for these valuable additions to the show, which he -might easily have done, and collected the money, -too. How like our own chiefs of police this good -old soul is!</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_72'>72</span>Another of these English gentlemen told an anecdote, -which, he said, was old, but which I had not -heard before. He said that one day St. Peter and -the devil chanced to be thrown together, and found -it pretty dull trying to pass the time. Finally they -got to throwing dice for a lawyer. The devil threw -sixes. Then St. Peter threw sixes. The devil threw -sixes again. St. Peter threw sixes again. The devil -threw sixes once more. Then St. Peter threw sevens, -and the devil said, “Oh, come now, Your Honor, -cheat fair. None of your playing miracles here!” -I thought there was a nice bit of humor in that -suggestion to “cheat fair.”</p> - -<h4 class='c020'>A SMALL PRIVATE NAUTICAL RACE</h4> - -<p class='c013'>I am getting to Portsmouth about as fast in this -letter as I did in that train. The Right Honorable -the Mayor of Portsmouth had had a steamer placed -at his disposal by the Admiralty, and he had invited -the Lord Mayor of London and other guests to go -in her. This was the ship I was to sail in, and she -was to leave her pier at 9 <span class='fss'>A.M.</span> sharp. I arrived at -that pier at ten minutes to eleven exactly. There -was one chance left, however. The ship had stopped -for something and was floating at ease about a mile -away.</p> - -<p class='c001'>A rusty, decayed, little two-oared skiff, the size -of a bathtub, came floating by, with a fisherman and -his wife and child in it. I entreated the man to -come in and take me to the ship. Presently he consented -and started toward me. I stood impatient -<span class='pageno' id='Page_73'>73</span>and all ready to jump the moment he should get -within thirty yards of me; he halted at the distance -of thirty-five and said it would be a long pull; did I -think I could pay him two shillings for it, seeing it was -a holiday? All this palaver and I in such a state -of mind! I jumped aboard and told him to rush, -which he did; at least he threw his whole heart into -his little, useless oars, and we moved off at the rate -of a mile a week. This was solid misery. When -we had gone a hundred and nine feet and were gaining -on the tenth a long, trim, graceful man-of-war’s -boat came flying by, bound for the flagship. Without -expecting even the courtesy of a response, I -hailed and asked the coxswain to take me to the -mayor’s vessel. He said, “Certainly, sir!--ease her, -boys!” I could not have been more astonished at -anything in the world. I quickly gave my man his -two shillings, and he started to pull me to the boat. -Then there was a movement of discontent among -the sailors, and they seemed about to move on. I -thought--well, you are not such generous fellows, -after all, as I took you to be, or so polite, either; but -just then the coxswain hailed and said:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“The boys don’t mind the pull, and they’re perfectly -willing to take you, but they say they ain’t -willing to take the fisherman’s job away from -him.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>Now that was genuine manliness and right conduct. -I shall always remember that honorable act. -I told them the fisherman was already paid, and I -was in their boat the next moment. Then ensued -the real fun of the day, as far as I was personally -<span class='pageno' id='Page_74'>74</span>concerned. The boys glanced over their shoulders -to measure the distance, and then at the order to -“Give way!” they bent to it and the boat sped -through the water like an arrow. We passed all kinds -of craft and steadily shortened the distance that -lay between us and the ship. Presently the coxswain -said:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“No use! Her wheels have begun to turn over. -Lively now, lively!”</p> - -<p class='c001'>Then we flew. We watched the ship’s movement -with a sharp interest and calculated our chances.</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Can you steer?” said the coxswain.</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Can a duck swim?” said I.</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Good--we’ll make her yet!”</p> - -<p class='c001'>I took the helm and he the stroke oar, and that -one oar did appear to add a deal to that boat’s speed. -The ship was turning around to go out to sea, and -she did seem to turn unnecessarily fast, too; but -just as she was pointed right and both her wheels -began to go ahead our boat’s bow touched her companionway -and I was aboard. It was a handsome -race, and very exciting. If I could have had that -dainty boat and those eight white-shirted, blue-trousered -sailors for the day I would not have gone -in any ship, but would have gone about in vast -naval style and experienced the feelings of an -admiral.</p> - -<h4 class='c020'>OLD HISTORICAL MEN-OF-WAR</h4> - -<p class='c013'>Our ship sailed out through a narrow way, bordered -by piers that swarmed with people, and likewise -by prodigious men-of-war of the fashion of a -<span class='pageno' id='Page_75'>75</span>hundred years ago. There were, perhaps, a dozen -of the stately veterans, these relics of an historic -past; and not looking aged and seedy, either, but -as bright and fresh as if they had been launched and -painted yesterday. They were the noblest creatures -to look upon; hulls of huge proportion and great -length; four long tiers of cannon grinning from their -tall sides; vast sterns that towered into the air like -the gable end of a church; graceful bows and figureheads; -masts as trim and lofty as spires--surely no -spectacle could be so imposing as a sea fight in the -old times, when such beautiful and such lordly ships -as these ruled the seas. And how it must have -stirred the heart of England when a fleet of them -used to come sailing in from victory, with ruined -sides and tattered spars and sails, while bells and -cannon pealed a welcome!</p> - -<p class='c001'>One of the grandest of these veterans was the -very one upon whose deck Nelson himself fell in -the moment of triumph. I suppose England would -rather part with ten colonies than with that illustrious -old ship. We passed along within thirty steps -of her, and I was just trying to picture in my mind -the tremendous scenes that had transpired upon her -deck upon that day, the proudest in England’s -naval history, when the venerable craft, stirred by -the boom of saluting cannon, perhaps, woke up -out of her long sleep and began to vomit smoke -and thunder herself, and then she looked her own -natural self again, and no doubt the spirit of Nelson -was near. Still it would have been pleasanter to be on -her decks than in front of her guns; for, as the white -<span class='pageno' id='Page_76'>76</span>volumes of smoke burst in our faces, one could not help -feeling that a ball might by accident have got mixed -up with a blank cartridge, and might chip just enough -off the upper end of a man to disfigure him for life; -and, besides, the powder they use in cannon is in -grains as large as billiard chalks, and it does not -all explode--suppose a few should enter one’s system? -The crash and roar of these great guns was -as unsettling a sound as I have ever heard at short -range. I took off my hat and acknowledged the -salute, of course, though it seemed to me that it -would have been better manners if they had -saluted the Lord Mayor, inasmuch as he was on -board.</p> - -<h4 class='c020'>THE WORLD’S GREATEST NAVY ON VIEW</h4> - -<p class='c013'>We went out to the Spithead and sailed up and -down there for four hours through four long ranks -of stately men-of-war--formidable ironclads they -were--the most insignificant of which would make -a breakfast of a whole fleet of Nelson’s prodigious -ships and still be hungry. The show was very fine, -for there were forty-nine of the finest ironclads the -world can show, and many gunboats besides. Indeed, -here in its full strength was the finest navy in the -world, and this the only time in history that just -such a spectacle has been seen, and none who saw -it that day is likely to live long enough to see its like -again. The vessels were all dressed out with flags, -and all about them frolicked a bewildering host of -bannered yachts, steamers, and every imaginable sort -of craft. It would be hard to contrive a gayer scene. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_77'>77</span>One of the royal yachts came flying along presently -and put the Shah on board one of the ironclads, and -then the yards of the whole fleet were manned -simultaneously, and such another booming and bellowing -of great guns ensued as I cannot possibly -describe. Within two minutes the huge fleet was -swallowed up in smoke, with angry red tongues of -fire darting through it here and there. It was wonderful -to look upon. Every time the <i>Devastation</i> -let off one of her thirty-five-ton guns it seemed as -if an entire London fog issued from her side, and -the report was so long coming that if she were to -shoot a man he would be dead before he heard it, -and would probably go around wondering through -all eternity what it was that happened to him. I -returned to London in a great hurry by a train that -was in no way excited by it, but failed in the end -and object I had in view after all, which was to -go to the grand concert at Albert Hall in honor -of the Shah. I had a strong desire to see that -building filled with people once. Albert Hall is one -of the many monuments erected to the memory -of the late Prince Albert. It is a huge and costly -edifice, but the architectural design is old, not to -say in some sense a plagiarism; for there is but little -originality in putting a dome on a gasometer. It -is said to seat 13,000 people, and surely that is a -thing worth seeing--at least to a man who was not -at the Boston Jubilee. But no tickets were to be -had--every seat was full, they said. It was no -particular matter, but what made me mad was to -come so extremely close and then miss. Indeed, I -<span class='pageno' id='Page_78'>78</span>was madder than I can express, to think that if the -architect had only planned the place to hold 13,001 -I could have got in. But, after all, I was not the -only person who had occasion to feel vexed. -Colonel X, a noted man in America, bought a -seat some days ago for $10 and a little afterward -met a knowing person who said the Shah would -be physically worn out before that concert night -and would not be there, and consequently nobody -else; so the seat was immediately sold for $5. -Then came another knowing one, who said the -Shah would unquestionably be at the concert, so -the colonel went straight and bought his ticket -back again. The temporary holder of it only -charged him $250 for carrying it around for him -during the interval! The colonel was at the concert, -and took the Shah’s head clerk for the -Shah all the evening. Vexation could go no further -than that.</p> - -<h3 class='c012'>V <br /> MARK TWAIN GIVES THE ROYAL PERSIAN <br />A “SEND-OFF”</h3> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c000'> - <div><span class='sc'>London</span>, <i>June 30, 1873</i>.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c001'>For the present we are done with the Shah in -London. He is gone to the country to be further -“impressed.” After all, it would seem that he was -more moved and more genuinely entertained by the -military day at Windsor than by even the naval -show at Portsmouth. It is not to be wondered at, -since he is a good deal of a soldier himself and not -<span class='pageno' id='Page_79'>79</span>much of a sailor. It has been estimated that there -were 300,000 people assembled at Windsor--some -say 500,000. That was a show in itself. The Queen -of England was there; so was Windsor Castle; also -an imposing array of cavalry, artillery, and infantry. -And the accessories to these several shows were -the matchless rural charms of England--a vast -expanse of green sward, walled in by venerable -forest trees, and beyond them glimpses of hills -clothed in Summer vegetation. Upon such a theater -a bloodless battle was fought and an honorable victory -won by trained soldiers who have not always -been carpet knights, but whose banners bear the -names of many historic fights.</p> - -<p class='c001'>England is now practically done with the Shah. -True, his engagement is not yet completed, for he is -still billed to perform at one or two places; but -curiosity is becoming sated, and he will hardly draw -as good houses as heretofore. Whenever a star has -to go to the provinces it is a bad sign. The poor -man is well nigh worn out with hard work. The -other day he was to have performed before the Duke -of Buccleuch and was obliged to send an excuse. -Since then he failed of his engagement at the Bank -of England. He does not take rest even when he -might. He has a telegraphic apparatus in his apartments -in Buckingham Palace, and it is said that he -sits up late, talking with his capital of Persia -by telegraph. He is so fascinated with the wonderful -contrivance that he cannot keep away from it. -No doubt it is the only homelike thing the exile -finds in the hard, practical West, for it is the next -<span class='pageno' id='Page_80'>80</span>of kin to the enchanted carpets that figure in -the romance and traditions of his own land, and -which carry the wanderer whither he will about -the earth, circumscribing the globe in the twinkling -of an eye, propelled by only the force of an -unspoken wish.</p> - -<h4 class='c020'>GOSSIP ABOUT THE SHAH</h4> - -<p class='c013'>This must be a dreary, unsatisfactory country to -him, where one’s desires are thwarted at every turn. -Last week he woke up at three in the morning and -demanded of the Vizier on watch by his bedside -that the ballet dancers be summoned to dance -before him. The Vizier prostrated himself upon the -floor and said:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“O king of kings, light of the world, source of -human peace and contentment, the glory and admiration -of the age, turn away thy sublime countenance, -let not thy fateful frown wither thy slave; for -behold the dancers dwell wide asunder in the desert -wastes of London, and not in many hours could they -be gathered together.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>The Shah could not even speak, he was so astounded -with the novelty of giving a command that could -not be obeyed. He sat still a moment, suffering, -then wrote in his tablets these words:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“<span class='sc'>Mem.</span>--Upon arrival in Teheran, let the Vizier -have the coffin which has just been finished for the -late general of the household troops--it will save -time.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>He then got up and set his boots outside the door -to be blacked and went back to bed, calm and comfortable, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_81'>81</span>making no more to-do about giving away -that costly coffin than I would about spending a -couple of shillings.</p> - -<h4 class='c020'>THE LESSON OF HIS JOURNEY</h4> - -<p class='c013'>If the mountains of money spent by civilized -Europe in entertaining the Shah shall win him to -adopt some of the mild and merciful ways that prevail -in Christian realms it will have been money well -and wisely laid out. If he learns that a throne may -rest as firmly upon the affections of a people as upon -their fears; that charity and justice may go hand in -hand without detriment to the authority of the -sovereign; that an enlarged liberty granted to the -subject need not impair the power of the monarch; -if he learns these things Persia will be the gainer by -his journey, and the money which Europe has -expended in entertaining him will have been profitably -invested. That the Shah needs a hint or two -in these directions is shown by the language of the -following petition, which has just reached him from -certain Parsees residing here and in India:</p> - -<h4 class='c020'>THE PETITION</h4> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c013'>1. A heavy and oppressive poll tax, called the Juzia, is imposed -upon the remnant of the ancient Zoroastrian race now residing -in Persia. A hundred years ago, when the Zoroastrian -population was 30,000 families, and comparatively well-to-do, the -tax was only 250 toomans; now, when there are scarcely six -thousand souls altogether, and stricken with poverty, they have -to pay 800 toomans. In addition to the crushing effect of this -tax, the government officials oppress these poor people in enforcing -the tax.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_82'>82</span>2. A Parsee desirous of buying landed property is obliged to -pay twenty per cent. on the value of the property as fee to the -Kazee and other authorities.</p> - -<p class='c001'>3. When a Parsee dies any member of his family, no matter -however distant, who may have previously been converted to -Mohammedanism, claims and obtains the whole property of the -deceased, to the exclusion of all the rightful heirs. In enforcing -this claim the convert is backed and supported by government -functionaries.</p> - -<p class='c001'>4. When a Parsee returns to Persia from a foreign country -he is harassed with all sorts of exactions at the various places -he has to pass through in Persia.</p> - -<p class='c001'>5. When any dispute arises, whether civil or criminal, between -a Mohammedan and a Parsee, the officials invariably side with -the former, and the testimony of one Mohammedan--no matter -how false on its very face--receives more credit than that of a -dozen or any number of Parsee witnesses. If a Mohammedan -kills a Parsee he is only fined about eight toomans, or four -pounds sterling; but on the contrary, if a Parsee wounds or -murders a Mohammedan he is not only cut to pieces himself, -but all his family and children are put to the sword, and sometimes -all the Parsees living in the same street are harassed in a -variety of ways. The Parsees are prevented from dressing themselves -well and from riding a horse or donkey. No matter, even -if he were ill and obliged to ride, he is compelled to dismount in -the presence of a Mohammedan rider, and is forced to walk to -the place of his destination. The Parsees are not allowed to trade -in European articles, nor are they allowed to deal in domestic -produce, as grocers, dyers, or oilmen, tailors, dairymen, &c., -on the ground that their touch would pollute the articles and -supplies and make them unfit for the use of Mohammedans.</p> - -<p class='c001'>6. The Parsees are often insulted and abused in every way by -the Mohammedans, and their children are stolen or forcibly -taken away from them by the Mohammedans. These children -are concealed in Mohammedan houses, their names are changed, -and they are forced to become Mohammedans, and when they -refuse to embrace the Mohammedan faith they are maltreated -in various ways. When a man is forcibly converted, his wife and -family are also forced to join him as Mohammedans. The Mohammedans -desecrate the sacred places of worship of the Zoroastrians -and the places for the disposal of their dead.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_83'>83</span>7. In general the Parsees are heavily taxed in various ways, -and are subjected to great oppression. In consequence of such -persecution the Parsee population of Persia has, during this -century, considerably decreased and is now so small that it consists -of a few thousand families only. It is possible that these -persecutions are practiced on the Zoroastrian inhabitants of -Persia without the knowledge of His Majesty the Shah.</p> - -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>THE INGENIOUS BARON REUTER</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c001'>It is whispered that the Shah’s European trip was -not suggested by the Shah himself, but by the noted -telegraphic newsman, Baron Reuter. People who -pretend to know say that Reuter began life very -poor; that he was an energetic spirit and improved -such opportunities as fell in his way; that he learned -several languages, and finally became a European -guide, or courier, and employed himself in conducting -all sorts of foreigners through all sorts of countries -and wearing them out with the usual frantic -system of sight-seeing. That was a good education -for him; it also gave him an intimate knowledge of -all the routes of travel and taught him how certain -long ones might be shortened. By and by he got -some carrier pigeons and established a news express, -which necessarily prospered, since it furnished journals -and commercial people with all matters of -importance considerably in advance of the mails. -When railways came into vogue he obtained concessions -which enlarged his facilities and still enabled -him to defy competition. He was ready for -the telegraph and seized that, too; and now for -years</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div><span class='pageno' id='Page_84'>84</span>“REUTER’S TELEGRAMS”</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c021'>has stood in brackets at the head of the telegraphic -column of all European journals. He became rich; -he bought telegraph lines and built others, purchased -a second-hand German baronetcy, and finally -sold out his telegraphic property to his government -for $3,000,000 and was out of business for -once. But he could not stay out.</p> - -<p class='c001'>After building himself a sort of a palace, he looked -around for fresh game, singled out the Shah of -Persia and “went for him,” as the historian Josephus -phrases it. He got an enormous “concession” from -him and then conceived the admirable idea of -exhibiting a Shah of Persia in the capitals of Europe -and thus advertising his concession before needful -capitalists. It was a sublimer idea than any that -any showman’s brain has ever given birth to. No -Shah had ever voluntarily traveled in Europe before; -but then no Shah had ever fallen into the hands of -a European guide before.</p> - -<h4 class='c020'>THE FAT “CONCESSION”</h4> - -<p class='c013'>The baron’s “concession” is a financial curiosity. -It allows him the sole right to build railways in -Persia for the next seventy years; also street railroads; -gives all the land necessary, free of charge, -for double tracks and fifty or sixty yards on each -side; all importations of <em>material</em>, etc., free of duty; -all the baron’s exports free of duty also. The baron -may appropriate and work all mines (except those -<span class='pageno' id='Page_85'>85</span>of the precious metals) free of charge, the Shah to -have 15 per cent of the profits. Any private mine -may be “gobbled” (the Persian word is <i>akbamarish</i>) -by the baron if it has not been worked during -five years previously. The baron has the exclusive -privilege of making the most of all government -forests, he giving the Shah 15 per cent of the -profits from the wood sold. After a forest is removed, -the baron is to be preferred before all other -purchasers if he wants to buy the land. The baron -alone may dig wells and construct canals, and -he is to own all the land made productive by -such works. The baron is empowered to raise -$30,000,000 on the capital stock for working purposes, -and the Shah agrees to pay 7 per cent interest -on it; and Persia is wholly unencumbered with debt. -The Shah hands over to the baron the management -of his customs for twenty years, and the baron -engages to pay for this privilege $100,000 a year -more than the Shah now receives, so the baron -means to wake up that sleepy Persian commerce. -After the fifth year the baron is to pay the Shah an -additional 60 per cent of the profits, if his head is -still a portion of his person then. The baron is to -have first preference in the establishment of a bank. -The baron has preference in establishing gas, road, -telegraph, mill, manufacturing, forge, pavement, and -all such enterprises. The Shah is to have 20 per -cent of the profits arising from the railways. -Finally, the baron may sell out whenever he -wants to.</p> - -<p class='c001'>It is a good “concession” in its way. It seems to -<span class='pageno' id='Page_86'>86</span>make the Shah say: “Run Persia at my expense and -give me a fifth of the profits.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>One’s first impulse is to envy the baron; but, -after all, I do not know. Some day, if things do not -go to suit the Shah, he may say, “There is no head -I admire so much as this baron’s; bring it to me on -a plate.”</p> - -<h4 class='c020'>DEPARTURE OF THE IMPERIAL CIRCUS.</h4> - -<p class='c013'>We are all sorry to see the Shah leave us, and yet -are glad on his account. We have had all the fun -and he all the fatigue. He would not have lasted -much longer here. I am just here reminded that the -only way whereby you may pronounce the Shah’s -title correctly is by taking a pinch of snuff. The -result will be “t-Shah!”</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_87'>87</span> - <h2 class='c007'>A WONDERFUL PAIR OF SLIPPERS</h2> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c005'> - <div>(WITH LETTERS CONCERNING THEM FROM MARK</div> - <div>TWAIN AND ELSIE LESLIE LYDE)</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div><span class='sc'>Mark Twain’s Letter</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='c015'><span class='sc'>Hartford</span>, <i>Oct. 5, ’89</i>.</div> - -<p class='c001'><span class='sc'>Dear Elsie</span>: The way of it was this. Away last -spring, Gillette<a id='r1' /><a href='#f1' class='c022'><sup>[1]</sup></a> and I pooled intellects on this proposition: -to get up a pleasant surprise of some kind for -you against your next visit--the surprise to take the -form of a tasteful and beautiful testimonial of some -sort or other, which should express somewhat of the -love we felt for you. Together we hit upon just the -right thing--a pair of slippers. Either one of us -could have thought of a single slipper, but it took -both of us to think of two slippers. In fact, one of -us did think of one slipper, and then, quick as a -flash, the other thought of the other one. It shows -how wonderful the human mind is. It is really -paleontological; you give one mind a bone, and the -other one instantly divines the rest of the animal.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Gillette embroidered his slipper with astonishing -facility and splendor, but I have been a long -time pulling through with mine. You see, it was -my very first attempt at art, and I couldn’t rightly -get the hang of it along at first. And then I was so -busy that I couldn’t get a chance to work at it at -<span class='pageno' id='Page_88'>88</span>home, and they wouldn’t let me embroider on the -cars; they said it made the other passengers afraid. -They didn’t like the light that flared into my eye -when I had an inspiration. And even the most fair-minded -people doubted me when I explained what it -was I was making--especially brakemen. Brakemen -always swore at it, and carried on, the way ignorant -people do, about art. They wouldn’t take -my word that it was a slipper; they said they believed -it was a snowshoe that had some kind of a -disease.</p> - -<p class='c001'>But I have pulled through, and within twenty-four -hours of the time I told you I would--day before -yesterday. There ought to be a key to the -designs, but I haven’t had time to get one up. -However, if you will lay the work before you with -the forecastle pointing north, I will begin at that end -and explain the whole thing, layer by layer, so that -you can understand it.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I began with that first red bar, and without -ulterior design, or plan of any sort--just as I would -begin a Prince and Pauper, or any other tale. And -mind you it is the easiest and surest way; because if -you invent two or three people and turn them loose -in your manuscript, something is bound to happen -to them--you can’t help it; and then it will take -you the rest of the book to get them out of the natural -consequences of that occurrence, and so, first thing -you know, there’s your book all finished up and never -cost you an idea. Well, the red stripe, with a bias -stitch, naturally suggested a blue one with a perpendicular -stitch, and I slammed it in, though when -<span class='pageno' id='Page_89'>89</span>it came daylight I saw it was green--which didn’t -make any difference, because green and blue are -much the same, anyway, and in fact from a purely -moral point of view are regarded by the best authorities -as identical. Well, if you will notice, a blue -perpendicular stitch always suggests a ropy red involved -stitch, like a family of angle-worms trying to -climb in under each other to keep warm--it would -suggest that, every time, without the author of the -slipper ever having to think about it at all.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Now at that point, young Dr. Root came in, -and, of course, he was interested in the slipper right -away, because he has always had a passion for art -himself, but has never had a chance to try, because -his folks are opposed to it and superstitious about it, -and have done all they could to keep him back; and -so he was eager to take a hand and see what he could -do. And it was beautiful to see him sit there and tell -Mrs. Clemens what had been happening while we -were off on summer vacation, and hold the slipper -up toward the end of his nose, and forget the sordid -world, and imagine the canvas was a “subject” -with a scalp wound, and nimbly whirl in that lovely -surgical stitch which you see there--and never -hesitating a moment in his talk except to say “Ouch” -when he stuck himself, and then going right on again -as smooth and easy as nothing. Yes, it was a charming -spectacle. And it was real art, too--realistic, -just native untaught genius; you can see the very -scalp itself, showing through between the stitches.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Well, next I threw in that sheaf of green rods which -the lictors used to carry before the Roman consuls -<span class='pageno' id='Page_90'>90</span>to lick them with when they didn’t behave--they -turned blue in the morning, but that is the way green -always acts.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The next week, after a good rest, I snowed in -that sea of frothy waves, and set that yellow thing -afloat in it and those two things that are skewered -through it. It isn’t a home plate, and it isn’t a papal -tiara with the keys of St. Peter; no, it is a heart--my -heart--with two arrows stuck through it--arrows -that go in blue and come out crimson--crimson with -the best drops in that heart, and gladly shed for love -of you, dear.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Now then, as you strike to the south’ard and drift -along down the starboard side, abaft the main-to’-gallant -scuppers, you come to that blue quarter-deck -which runs the rest of the way aft to the jumping-off -place. In the midst of that blue you will see some -big red letters--M. T.; and west’ard, over on the -port side, you will see some more red letters--<span class='sc'>to -E. L.</span> Aggregated, these several groups of letters -signify, Mark Twain to Elsie Leslie. And you will -notice that you have a gift for art yourself, for the -southern half of the L, embroidered by yourself, is -as good as anything I can do, after all my experience.</p> - -<p class='c001'>There, now you understand the whole work. From -a professional point of view I consider the Heart -and Arrows by all odds the greatest triumph of the -whole thing; in fact, one of the ablest examples of -civil engineering in a beginner I ever saw--for it -was all inspiration, just the lightninglike inspiration -of the moment. I couldn’t do it again in a hundred -years--even if I recover this time and get just as -<span class='pageno' id='Page_91'>91</span>well and strong as I was before. You notice what -fire there is in it--what rapture, enthusiasm, frenzy--what -blinding explosions of color. It is just a -“Turner”--that is what it is. It is just like his -“Slave Ship,” that immortal work. What you see -in the “Slave Ship” is a terrific explosion of radiating -rags and fragments of flaming crimson flying -from a common center of intense yellow which is -in violent commotion--insomuch that a Boston -reporter said it reminded him of a yellow cat dying -in a platter of tomatoes.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Take the slippers and wear them next your heart, -Elsie dear; for every stitch in them is a testimony -of the affection which two of your loyalest friends -bear you. Every single stitch cost us blood. I’ve -got twice as many pores in me now as I used to -have; and you would never believe how many places -you can stick a needle into yourself until you go -into the embroidery line and devote yourself to art.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Do not wear these slippers in public, dear; it -would only excite envy; and, as like as not, somebody -would try to shoot you.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Merely use them to assist you in remembering -that among the many, many people who think all -the world of you is your friend,</p> - -<div class='c015'><span class='sc'>Mark Twain</span>.</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c005'> - <div><span class='sc'>Elsie’s Reply.</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='c015'><span class='sc'>New York</span>, <i>October g, 1889</i>.</div> - -<p class='c001'><span class='sc'>My Dear Mr. Clemens</span>: The slipper the long -letter and all the rest came this afternoon, I think -<span class='pageno' id='Page_92'>92</span>they are splendid and shall have them framed and -keep them among my very most prechus things. I -have had a great many nice things given to me and -people often say very pleasant things but I am not -quite shure they always mean it or that they are as -trustable as you and “Leo” and I am very shure -thay would not spend their prechus time and shed -their blood for me so you see that is one reason why -I will think so much of it and then it was all so -funny to think of two great big men like you and -“little Willie” (that is what “Leo” calls himself to -me) imbroidering a pair of slippers for a little girl -like me of corse you have a great many large words -in your letter that I do not quite understand. One -word comencing with P. has fifteen letters in it and -I do not know what you mean by pooled unless you -mean you and Leo put your two minds together to -make the slippers which was very nice of you both -I think you are just right about the angle worms -thay did look like that this summer when I used to -dig them for bate to fish with please tell Dr. Root -I will think of him when I look at the part he -did the Surgicle Stich I mean I hope you will be -quite well and strong by the time you get this -letter as you were before you made my slipper it -would make me very sad if you were to be ill. -Give my love to Mrs. Clemens Susie Clara Gene -I-know and you-know and Vix and all of my -Hartford friends tell Gene I wish I was with her -and we would have a nice jump in the hay loft. -When you come to New York you must call and -see me then we will see about those big words -<span class='pageno' id='Page_93'>93</span>my address is up in the top left corner of this -letter.</p> - -<div class='lg-container-r c023'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>To my loyal friend</div> - <div class='line in15'>Mark Twain</div> - <div class='line in11'>From his little friend</div> - <div class='line in32'><span class='sc'>Elsie Leslie Lyde</span>.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c013'>[Not Little Lord Fauntleroy now, but Tom Canty of Offal -Court and Little Edward of Wales.]<a id='r2' /><a href='#f2' class='c022'><sup>[2]</sup></a></p> - -<hr class='c024' /> -<div class='footnote' id='f1'> -<p class='c001'><a href='#r1'>1</a>. William Gillette, the distinguished actor and playwright.</p> -</div> -<div class='footnote' id='f2'> -<p class='c001'><a href='#r2'>2</a>. Elsie Leslie, then a little girl, played Little Lord Fauntleroy and -the double part of Tom Canty and the Little Prince, with great -success.</p> -</div> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_94'>94</span> - <h2 class='c007'>AIX, THE PARADISE OF THE <br /> RHEUMATICS <br /> <span class='small'>(Contributed to the New York <cite>Sun</cite>, 1891)</span></h2> -</div> - -<p class='c011'>Aix-les-Bains. Certainly this is an enchanting -place. It is a strong word, but I think the -facts justify it. True, there is a rabble of nobilities, -big and little, here all the time, and often a king or -two; but as these behave quite nicely and also keep -mainly to themselves, they are little or no annoyance. -And then a king makes the best advertisement -there is, and the cheapest. All he costs is a -reception at the station by the mayor and the police -in their Sunday uniforms, shop-front decorations -along the route from station to hotel, brass band at -the hotel, fireworks in the evening, free bath in the -morning. This is the whole expense; and in return -for it he goes away from here with the broad of his -back metaphorically stenciled over with display ads., -which shout to all nations of the world, assisted by -the telegraph:</p> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'>Rheumatism routed at Aix-les-Bains!</p> - -<p class='c001'>Gout admonished, Nerves braced up!</p> - -<p class='c001'>All diseases welcomed, and satisfaction given or the money -returned at the door!</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>We leave nature’s noble cliffs and crags undefiled -and uninsulted by the advertiser’s paint brush. We -use the back of a king, which is better and properer -<span class='pageno' id='Page_95'>95</span>and more effective, too, for the cliffs stay still and -few see it, but the king moves across the fields of the -world and is visible from all points, like a constellation. -We are out for kings this week, but one will -be along soon--possibly His Satanic Majesty of -Russia. There’s a colossus for you! A mysterious -and terrible form that towers up into unsearchable -space and casts a shadow across the universe like a -planet in eclipse. There will be but one absorbing -spectacle in this world when we stencil him and start -him out.</p> - -<p class='c001'>This is an old valley, this of Aix, both in the history -of man and in the geological records of its -rocks. Its little lake of Bourget carries the human -history back to the lake dwellers, furnishing seven -groups of their habitations, and Dr. William Wakefield -says in his interesting local guide that the mountains -round about furnish “Geographically, a veritable -epitome of the globe.” The stratified chapters -of the earth’s history are clearly and permanently -written on the sides of the roaring bulk of the Dent -du Chat, but many of the layers of race, religion, -and government which in turn have flourished and -perished here between the lake dweller of several -thousand years ago and the French republican of -to-day, are ill defined and uninforming by comparison. -There are several varieties of pagans. They -went their way, one after the other, down into night -and oblivion, leaving no account of themselves, no -memorials. The Romans arrived 2,300 years ago, -other parts of France are rich with remembrances -of their eight centuries of occupation, but not many -<span class='pageno' id='Page_96'>96</span>are here. Other pagans followed the Romans. By -and by Christianity arrived, some 400 years after the -time of Christ. The long procession of races, languages, -religions, and dynasties demolished one another’s -records--it is man’s way always.</p> - -<p class='c001'>As a result, nothing is left of the handiwork of the -remoter inhabitants of the region except the constructions -of the lake dwellers and some Roman odds -and ends. There is part of a small Roman temple, -there is part of a Roman bath, there is a graceful -and battered Roman arch. It stands on a turfy level -over the way from the present great bath house, is -surrounded by magnolia trees, and is both a picturesque -and suggestive object. It has stood there some -1,600 years. Its nearest neighbor, not twenty steps -away, is a Catholic church. They are symbols of -the two chief eras in the history of Aix. Yes, and of -the European world. I judge that the venerable arch -is held in reverent esteem by everybody, and that -this esteem is its sufficient protection from insult, for -it is the only public structure I have yet seen in -France which lacks the sign, “It is forbidden to post -bills here.” Its neighbor the church has that sign -on more than one of its sides, and other signs, too, -forbidding certain other sorts of desecration.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The arch’s nearest neighbor--just at its elbow, like -the church--is the telegraph office. So there you -have the three great eras bunched together--the era -of War, the era of Theology, the era of Business. -You pass under the arch, and the buried Cæsars seem -to rise from the dust of the centuries and flit before -you; you pass by that old battered church, and are -<span class='pageno' id='Page_97'>97</span>in touch with the Middle Ages, and with another step -you can put down ten francs and shake hands with -Oshkosh under the Atlantic.</p> - -<p class='c001'>It is curious to think what changes the last of the -three symbols stand for; changes in men’s ways and -thoughts, changes in material civilization, changes in -the Deity--or in men’s conception of the <a id='corr97.7'></a><span class='htmlonly'><ins class='correction' title='Diety'>Deity</ins></span><span class='epubonly'><a href='#c_97.7'><ins class='correction' title='Diety'>Deity</ins></a></span>, if -that is an exacter way of putting it. The second of -the symbols arrived in the earth at a time when the -Deity’s possessions consisted of a small sky freckled -with mustard-seed stars, and under it a patch of -landed estate not so big as the holdings of the Tsar -to-day, and all His time was taken up in trying to -keep a handful of Jews in some sort of order--exactly -the same number of them that the Tsar has lately -been dealing with in a more abrupt and far less loving -and long-suffering way. At a later time--a time -within all old men’s memories--the Deity was otherwise -engaged. He was dreaming His eternities away -on His Great White Throne, steeped in the soft bliss -of hymns of praise wafted aloft without ceasing from -choirs of ransomed souls, Presbyterians and the rest. -This was a Deity proper enough to the size and conditions -of things, no doubt a provincial Deity with -provincial tastes. The change since has been inconceivably -vast. His empire has been unimaginably -enlarged. To-day He is a Master of a universe made -up of myriads upon myriads of gigantic suns, and -among them, lost in that limitless sea of light, floats -that atom. His earth, which once seemed so good -and satisfactory and cost so many days of patient -labor to build, is a mere cork adrift in the waters of -<span class='pageno' id='Page_98'>98</span>a shoreless Atlantic. This is a business era, and no -doubt he is governing His huge empire now, not by -dreaming the time away in the buzz of hymning -choirs, with occasional explosions of arbitrary power -disproportioned to the size of the annoyance, but -by applying laws of a sort proper and necessary to -the sane and successful management of a complex -and prodigious establishment, and by seeing to it -that the exact and constant operation of these laws -is not interfered with for the accommodation of any -individual or political or religious faction or nation.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Mighty has been the advance of the nations and -the liberalization of thought. A result of it is a -changed Deity, a Deity of a dignity and sublimity -proportioned to the majesty of His office and the -magnitude of His empire, a Deity who has been -freed from a hundred fretting chains and will in time -be freed from the rest by the several ecclesiastical -bodies who have these matters in charge. It was, -without doubt, a mistake and a step backward when -the Presbyterian Synods of America lately decided, -by vote, to leave Him still embarrassed with the -dogma of infant damnation. Situated as we are, we -cannot at present know with how much of anxiety -He watched the balloting, nor with how much of -grieved disappointment He observed the result.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Well, all these eras above spoken of are modern, -they are of last week, they are of yesterday, they -are of this morning, so to speak. The springs, the -healing waters that gush up from under this hillside -village, indeed are ancient. They, indeed, are a -genuine antiquity; they antedate all those fresh -<span class='pageno' id='Page_99'>99</span>human matters by processions of centuries; they -were born with the fossils of the Dent du Chat, -and they have been always abundant. They furnished -a million gallons a day to wash the lake -dwellers with, the same to wash the Cæsars with, -no less to wash Balzac with, and have not diminished -on my account. A million gallons a day for how -many days? Figures cannot set forth the number. -The delivery, in the aggregate, has amounted to an -Atlantic. And there is still an Atlantic down in -there. By Doctor Wakefield’s calculation the -Atlantic is three-quarters of a mile down in the -earth. The calculation is based upon the temperature -of the water, which is 114 degrees to 117 degrees -Fahrenheit, the natural law being that below a certain -depth heat augments at the rate of one degree -for every sixty feet of descent.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Aix is handsome, and is handsomely situated, too, -on its hill slope, with its stately prospect of mountain -range and plain spread out before it and about -it. The streets are mainly narrow, and steep and -crooked and interesting, and offer considerable -variety in the way of names; on the corner of one -of them you read this: “Rue du Puits d’Enfer” -(“Pit of Hell Street”). Some of the sidewalks are -only eighteen inches wide; they are for the cats, -probably. There is a pleasant park, and there are -spacious and beautiful grounds connected with the -two great pleasure resorts, the Cercle and the Villa -des Fleurs. The town consists of big hotels, little -hotels, and <span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr"><i>pensions</i></span>. The season lasts about six -months, beginning with May. When it is at its -<span class='pageno' id='Page_100'>100</span>height there are thousands of visitors here, and in -the course of the season as many as 20,000 in the -aggregate come and go.</p> - -<p class='c001'>These are not all here for the baths; some come -for the gambling facilities and some for the climate. -It is a climate where the field strawberry flourishes -through the spring, summer, and fall. It is hot in -the summer, and hot in earnest; but this is only in -the daytime; it is not hot at night. The English -season is May and June; they get a good deal of -rain then, and they like that. The Americans take -July, and the French take August. By the 1st of -July the open-air music and the evening concerts -and operas and plays are fairly under way, and from -that time onward the rush of pleasure has a steadily -increasing boom. It is said that in August the great -grounds and the gambling rooms are crowded all the -time and no end of ostensible fun going on.</p> - -<p class='c001'>It is a good place for rest and sleep and general -recuperation of forces. The book of Doctor Wakefield -says there is something about this atmosphere -which is the deadly enemy of insomnia, and I think -this must be true, for if I am any judge, this town -is at times the noisiest one in Europe, and yet a body -gets more sleep here than he would at home, I don’t -care where his home is. Now, we are living at a most -comfortable and satisfactory <span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr"><i>pension</i></span>, with a garden -of shade trees and flowers and shrubs, and a convincing -air of quiet and repose. But just across the -narrow street is the little market square, and at the -corner of that is the church that is neighbor to -the Roman arch, and that narrow street, and that -<span class='pageno' id='Page_101'>101</span>billiard table of a market place, and that church are -able, on a bet, to turn out more noise to a cubic yard -at the wrong time than any other similar combination -in the earth or out of it. In the street you -have the skull-bursting thunder of the passing hack, a -volume of sound not producible by six hacks anywhere -else; on the hack is a lunatic with a whip which -he cracks to notify the public to get out of his way. -This crack is as keen and sharp and penetrating and -ear-splitting as a pistol shot at close range, and the -lunatic delivers it in volleys, not single shots. You -think you will not be able to live till he gets by, and -when he does get by he leaves only a vacancy for the -bandit who sells <span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr"><cite>Le Petit Journal</cite></span> to fill with his -strange and awful yell. He arrives with the early -morning and the market people, and there is a dog -that arrives at about the same time and barks -steadily at nothing till he dies, and they fetch another -dog just like him. The bark of this breed is the -twin of the whip volley, and stabs like a knife. By -and by, what is left of you the church bell gets. -There are many bells, and apparently six or seven -thousand town clocks, and as they are all five minutes -apart--probably by law--there are no intervals. -Some of them are striking all the time--at least, after -you go to bed they are. There is one clock that -strikes the hour and then strikes it over again to see -if it was right. Then for evenings and Sundays -there is a chime--a chime that starts in pleasantly -and musically, then suddenly breaks into a frantic -roar, and boom, and crash of warring sounds that -makes you think Paris is up and the Revolution come -<span class='pageno' id='Page_102'>102</span>again. And yet, as I have said, one sleeps here--sleeps -like the dead. Once he gets his grip on his -sleep, neither hack, nor whip, nor news fiend, nor -dog, nor bell cyclone, nor all of them together, can -wrench it loose or mar its deep and tranquil continuity. -Yes, there is indeed something in this air -that is death to insomnia.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The buildings of the Cercle and the Villa des -Fleurs are huge in size, and each has a theater in it, -and a great restaurant, also conveniences for gambling -and general and variegated entertainment. -They stand in ornamental grounds of great extent and -beauty. The multitudes of fashionable folk sit at -refreshment tables in the open air, afternoons, and -listen to the music, and it is there that they mainly -go to break the Sabbath.</p> - -<p class='c001'>To get the privilege of entering these grounds and -buildings you buy a ticket for a few francs, which is -good for the whole season. You are then free to go -and come at all hours, attend the plays and concerts -free, except on special occasions, gamble, buy -refreshments, and make yourself symmetrically -comfortable.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Nothing could be handier than those two little -theaters. The curtain doesn’t rise until 8.30; then -between the acts one can idle for half an hour in -the other departments of the building, damaging his -appetite in the restaurants or his pocketbook in the -baccarat room. The singers and actors are from -Paris, and their performance is beyond praise.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I was never in a fashionable gambling hell until I -came here. I had read several millions of descriptions -<span class='pageno' id='Page_103'>103</span>of such places, but the reality was new to me. I very -much wanted to see this animal, especially the new -historic game of baccarat, and this was a good place, -for Aix ranks next to Monte Carlo for high play and -plenty of it. But the result was what I might have -expected--the interest of the looker-on perishes with -the novelty of the spectacle; that is to say, in a few -minutes. A permanent and intense interest is acquirable -in baccarat, or in any other game, but you -have to buy it. You don’t get it by standing around -and looking on.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The baccarat table is covered with green cloth and -is marked off in divisions with chalk or something. -The banker sits in the middle, the croupier opposite. -The customers fill all the chairs at the table, and the -rest of the crowd are massed at their back and leaning -over them to deposit chips or gold coins. Constantly -money and chips are flung upon the table, and -the game seems to consist in the croupier’s reaching -for these things with a flexible sculling oar, and -raking them home. It appeared to be a rational -enough game for him, and if I could have borrowed -his oar I would have stayed, but I didn’t see where -the entertainment of the others came in. This was -because I saw without perceiving, and observed -without understanding. For the widow and the -orphan and the others do win money there. Once an -old gray mother in Israel or elsewhere pulled out, -and I heard her say to her daughter or her granddaughter -as they passed me, “There, I’ve won six -louis, and I’m going to quit while I’m ahead.” Also -there was this statistic. A friend pointed to a young -<span class='pageno' id='Page_104'>104</span>man with the dead stub of a cigar in his mouth, -which he kept munching nervously all the time and -pitching hundred-dollar chips on the board while two -sweet young girls reached down over his shoulders to -deposit modest little gold pieces, and said: “He’s -only funning, now; wasting a few hundred to pass -the time--waiting for the gold room to open, you -know, which won’t be till after midnight--then -you’ll see him bet! He won £14,000 there last night. -They don’t bet anything there but big money.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>The thing I chiefly missed was the haggard -people with the intense eye, the hunted look, the -desperate mien, candidates for suicide and the -pauper’s grave. They are in the description, as a rule, -but they were off duty that night. All the gamblers, -male and female, old and young, looked abnormally -cheerful and prosperous.</p> - -<p class='c001'>However, all the nations were there, clothed richly -and speaking all the languages. Some of the women -were painted, and were evidently shaky as to character. -These items tallied with the descriptions well -enough.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The etiquette of the place was difficult to master. -In the brilliant and populous halls and corridors you -don’t smoke, and you wear your hat, no matter -how many ladies are in the thick throng of drifting -humanity, but the moment you cross the sacred -threshold and enter the gambling hell, off the hat -must come, and everybody lights his cigar and goes -to suffocating the ladies.</p> - -<p class='c001'>But what I came here for five weeks ago was the -baths. My right arm was disabled with rheumatism. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_105'>105</span>To sit at home in America and guess out the European -bath best fitted for a particular ailment or combination -of ailments, it is not possible, and it would -not be a good idea to experiment in that way, anyhow. -There are a great many curative baths on the -Continent, and some are good for one disease and -bad for another. So it is necessary to let your -physician name a bath for you. As a rule, Americans -go to Europe to get this advice, and South -Americans go to Paris for it. Now and then an -economist chooses his bath himself and does a -thousand miles of railroading to get to it, and then -the local physicians tell him he has come to the wrong -place. He sees that he has lost time and money and -strength, and almost the minute he realizes this he -loses his temper. I had the rheumatism and was -advised to go to Aix, not so much because I had that -disease as because I had the promise of certain others. -What they were was not explained to me, but they -are either in the following menu or I have been sent -to the wrong place. Doctor Wakefield’s book says:</p> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'>We know that the class of maladies benefited by the water -and baths at Aix are those due to defect of nourishment, debility -of the nervous system, or to a gouty, rheumatic, herpetic, or -scrofulous diathesis--all diseases extremely debilitating, and -requiring a tonic, and not depressing action of the remedy. This -it seems to find here, as recorded experience and daily action can -testify. According to the line of treatment followed particularly -with due regard to the temperature, the action of the Aix waters -can be made sedative, exciting, derivative, or alterative and tonic.</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>The “Establishment” is the property of France, -and all the officers and servants are employees of -the French government. The bathhouse is a huge -<span class='pageno' id='Page_106'>106</span>and massive pile of white marble masonry, and looks -more like a temple than anything else. It has several -floors and each is full of bath cabinets. There is -every kind of bath--for the nose, the ears, the -throat, vapor baths, swimming baths, and all people’s -favorite, the douche. It is a good building to get -lost in, when you are not familiar with it. From -early morning until nearly noon people are streaming -in and streaming out without halt. The majority -come afoot, but great numbers are brought in -sedan chairs, a sufficiently ugly contrivance whose -cover is a steep little tent made of striped canvas. -You see nothing of the patient in this diving bell as -the bearers tramp along, except a glimpse of his -ankles bound together and swathed around with -blankets or towels to that generous degree that the -result suggests a sore piano leg. By attention and -practice the pallbearers have got so that they can -keep out of step all the time--and they do it. As a consequence -their veiled churn goes rocking, tilting, swaying -along like a bell buoy in a ground swell. It makes -the oldest sailor homesick to look at that spectacle.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The “course” is usually fifteen douche baths and -five tub baths. You take the douche three days in -succession, then knock off and take a tub. You -keep up this distribution through the course. If one -course does not cure you, you take another one after -an interval. You seek a local physician and he -examines your case and prescribes the kind of bath -required for it, with various other particulars; then -you buy your course tickets and pay for them in -advance--nine dollars. With the tickets you get a -<span class='pageno' id='Page_107'>107</span>memorandum book with your dates and hours all -set down on it. The doctor takes you into the bath -the first morning and gives some instructions to the -two <span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr"><i>doucheurs</i></span> who are to handle you through the -course. The <span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr"><i>pourboires</i></span> are about ten cents to each -of the men for each bath, payable at the end of the -course. Also at the end of the course you pay three -or four francs to the superintendent of your department -of the bathhouse. These are useful particulars -to know, and are not to be found in the books. A -servant of your hotel carries your towels and sheet to -the bath daily and brings them away again. They -are the property of the hotel; the French government -doesn’t furnish these things.</p> - -<p class='c001'>You meet all kinds of people at a place like this, -and if you give them a chance they will submerge -you under their circumstances, for they are either -very glad or very sorry they came, and they want -to spread their feelings out and enjoy them. One of -these said to me:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“It’s great, these baths. I didn’t come here for -my health; I only came to find out if there was anything -the matter with me. The doctor told me if -there was the symptoms would soon appear. After -the first douche I had sharp pains in all my muscles. -The doctor said it was different varieties of rheumatism, -and the best varieties there were, too. -After my second bath I had aches in my bones, and -skull and around. The doctor said it was different -varieties of neuralgia, and the best in the market, -anybody would tell me so. I got many new kinds of -pains out of my third douche. These were in my -<span class='pageno' id='Page_108'>108</span>joints. The doctor said it was gout, complicated -with heart disease, and encouraged me to go on. -Then we had the fourth douche, and I came out on a -stretcher that time, and fetched with me one vast, -diversified undulating continental kind of pain, with -horizons to it, and zones, and parallels of latitude, -and meridians of longitude, and isothermal belts, and -variations of the compass--oh, everything tidy, and -right up to the latest developments, you know. The -doctor said it was inflammation of the soul, and -just the very thing. Well, I went right on gathering -them in, toothache, liver complaint, softening of the -brain, nostalgia, bronchitis, osteology, fits, Coleoptera, -hydrangea, Cyclopædia Britannica, delirium -tremens, and a lot of other things that I’ve got down -on my list that I’ll show you, and you can keep it if -you like and tally off the bric-à-brac as you lay it in.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The doctor said I was a grand proof of what these -baths could do; said I had come here as innocent of -disease as a grindstone, and inside of three weeks these -baths had sluiced out of me every important ailment -known to medical science, along with considerable -more that were entirely new and patentable. Why, -he wanted to exhibit me in his bay <a id='corr108.24'></a><span class='htmlonly'><ins class='correction' title='window!'>window!”</ins></span><span class='epubonly'><a href='#c_108.24'><ins class='correction' title='window!'>window!”</ins></a></span></p> - -<p class='c001'>There seem to be a good many liars this year. I -began to take the baths and found them most enjoyable; -so enjoyable that if I hadn’t had a disease -I would have borrowed one, just to have a pretext for -going on. They took me into a stone-floored basin -about fourteen feet square, which had enough strange-looking -pipes and things in it to make it look like a -torture chamber. The two half-naked men seated -<span class='pageno' id='Page_109'>109</span>me on a pine stool and kept a couple of warm-water -jets as thick as one’s wrist playing upon me while they -kneaded me, stroked me, twisted me, and applied all -the other details of the scientific massage to me for -seven or eight minutes. Then they stood me up and -played a powerful jet upon me all around for another -minute. The cool shower bath came next, and the -thing was over. I came out of the bathhouse a few -minutes later feeling younger and fresher and finer -than I have felt since I was a boy. The spring and -cheer and delight of this exaltation lasted three -hours, and the same uplifting effect has followed the -twenty douches which I have taken since.</p> - -<p class='c001'>After my first douche I went to the chemist’s on -the corner, as per instructions, and asked for half a -glass of Challe water. It comes from a spring sixteen -miles from here. It was furnished to me, but, perceiving -that there was something the matter with it, -I offered to wait till they could get some that was -fresh, but they said it always smelled that way. -They said that the reason that this was so much -ranker than the sulphur water of the bath was that -this contained thirty-two times as much sulphur as -that. It is true, but in my opinion that water comes -from a cemetery, and not a fresh cemetery, either. -History says that one of the early Roman generals -lost an army down there somewhere. If he could -come back now I think this water would help him -find it again. However, I drank the Challe, and have -drunk it once or twice every day since. I suppose -it is all right, but I wish I knew what was the matter -with those Romans.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_110'>110</span>My first baths developed plenty of pain, but the -subsequent ones removed almost all of it. I have got -back the use of my arm these last few days, and I am -going away now.</p> - -<p class='c001'>There are many beautiful drives about Aix, many -interesting places to visit, and much pleasure to be -found in paddling around the little Lake Bourget -on the small steamers, but the excursion which -satisfied me best was a trip to Annecy and its neighborhood. -You go to Annecy in an hour by rail, -through a garden land that has not had its equal for -beauty perhaps since Eden; and certainly not Eden -was cultivated as this garden is. The charm and -loveliness of the whole region are bewildering. -Picturesque rocks, forest-clothed hills, slopes richly -bright in the cleanest and greenest grass, fields of -grain without freck or flaw, dainty of color and as -shiny and shimmery as silk, old gray mansions and -towers, half buried in foliage and sunny eminences, -deep chasms with precipitous walls, and a swift -stream of pale-blue water between, with now and -then a tumbling cascade, and always noble mountains -in view, with vagrant white clouds curling about -their summits.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Then at the end of an hour you come to Annecy -and rattle through its old crooked lanes, built solidly -up with curious old houses that are a dream of the -Middle Ages, and presently you come to the main -object of your trip--Lake Annecy. It is a revelation; -it is a miracle. It brings the tears to a body’s eyes, it -affects you just as all things that you instantly recognize -as perfect affect you--perfect music, perfect -<span class='pageno' id='Page_111'>111</span>eloquence, perfect art, perfect joy, perfect grief. It -stretches itself out there in a caressing sunlight, and -away toward its border of majestic mountains, a -crisped and radiant plain of water of the divinest -blue that can be imagined. All the blues are there, -from the faintest shoal-water suggestion of the color, -detectable only in the shadow of some overhanging -object, all the way through, a little blue and a little -bluer still, and again a shade bluer, till you strike the -deep, rich Mediterranean splendor which breaks the -heart in your bosom, it is so beautiful.</p> - -<p class='c001'>And the mountains, as you skim along on the -steamboat, how stately their forms, how noble their -proportions, how green their velvet slopes, how soft -the mottlings of the sun and shadow that play about -the rocky ramparts that crown them, how opaline -the vast upheavals of snow banked against the sky -in the remotenesses beyond--Mont Blanc and the -others--how shall anybody describe? Why, not -even the painter can quite do it, and the most the -pen can do is to suggest.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Up the lake there is an old abbey--Tallories--relic -of the Middle Ages. We stopped there; stepped -from the sparkling water and the rush and boom -and fret and fever of the nineteenth century into the -solemnity and the silence and the soft gloom and the -brooding mystery of a remote antiquity. The stone -step at the water’s edge had the traces of a worn-out -inscription on it; the wide flight of stone steps that -led up to the front door was polished smooth by the -passing feet of forgotten centuries, and there was not -an unbroken stone among them all. Within the pile -<span class='pageno' id='Page_112'>112</span>was the old square cloister with covered arcade all -around it where the monks of the ancient times used -to sit and meditate, and now and then welcome to -their hospitalities the wandering knight with his tin -breeches on, and in the middle of the square court -(open to the sky) was a stone well curb, cracked and -slick with age and use, and all about it were weeds, -and among the weeds moldy brickbats that the -Crusaders used to throw at one another. A passage -at the further side of the cloister led to another -weedy and roofless little inclosure beyond where there -was a ruined wall clothed to the top with masses of -ivy, and flanking it was a battered and picturesque -arch. All over the building there were comfortable -rooms and comfortable beds and clean plank floors -with no carpets on them. In one room upstairs were -half a dozen portraits, dimming relics of the vanished -centuries--portraits of abbots who used to be as -grand as princes in their old day, and very rich, and -much worshiped and very bold; and in the next room -there were a howling chromo and an electric bell. -Downstairs there was an ancient wood carving with a -Latin word commanding silence, and there was a -spang-new piano close by. Two elderly French -women, with the kindest and honestest and sincerest -faces, have the abbey now, and they board and -lodge people who are tired of the roar of cities and -want to be where the dead silence and serenity -and peace of this old nest will heal their blistered -spirits and patch up their ragged minds. They fed -us well, they slept us well, and I wish I could -have stayed there a few years and got a solid rest.</p> - -<p class='c025'><span class='pageno' id='Page_113'>113</span>MARIENBAD--A HEALTH FACTORY</p> - -<hr class='c026' /> -<p class='c027'>THE SIMPLE BUT SUFFICIENT REGIMEN IMPOSED ON -PATIENTS IN AN AUSTRIAN RESORT--OBSERVATIONS -ON DIGESTION.</p> -<hr class='c026' /> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>(Contributed to the New York <cite>Sun</cite>, 1891)</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c013'>This place is the village of Marienbad, Bohemia. -It seems no very great distance from Annecy, -in Haute-Savoie, to this place--you make it in less -than thirty hours by these continental express -trains--but the changes in the scenery are great; they -are quite out of proportion to the distance covered. -From Annecy by Aix to Geneva, you have blue lakes, -with bold mountains springing from their borders, -and far glimpses of snowy wastes lifted against the -horizon beyond, while all about you is a garden -cultivated to the last possibility of grace and beauty--a -cultivation which doesn’t stop with the handy -lower levels, but is carried right up the sheer steeps -and propped there with ribs of masonry, and made -to stay there in spite of Newton’s law. Beyond -Geneva--beyond Lausanne, at any rate--you have -for a while a country which noticeably resembles -New England, and seems out of place and like an -intruder--an intruder who is wearing his every-day -clothes at a fancy-dress ball. But presently on your -<span class='pageno' id='Page_114'>114</span>right, huge green mountain ramparts rise up, and -after that for hours you are absorbed in watching -the rich shadow effects which they furnish, and are -only dully aware that New England is gone and that -you are flying past quaint and unspeakable old towns -and towers. Next day you have the lake of Zurich, -and presently the Rhine is swinging by you. How -clean it is! How clear it is! How blue it is! How -green it is! How swift and rollicking and insolent -are its gait and style! How vivid and splendid its -colors--beautiful wreck and chaos of all the soap -bubbles in the universe! A person born on the -Rhine must worship it.</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b c016'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>I saw the blue Rhine sweep along; I heard, or seemed to hear,</div> - <div class='line'>The German songs we used to sing in chorus sweet and clear.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c013'>Yes, that is where his heart would be, that is -where his last thoughts would be, the “soldier of -the legion” who “lay dying in Algiers.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>And by and by you are in a German region, which -you discover to be quite different from the recent -Swiss lands behind you. You have a sea before you, -that is to say; the green land goes rolling away, in -ocean swells, to the horizon. And there is another -new feature. Here and there at wide intervals you -have islands, hills two hundred and three hundred -feet high, of a haystack form, that rise abruptly out -of the green plain, and are wooded solidly to the top. -On the top there is just room for a ruined -castle, and there it is, every time; above the summit -you see the crumbling arches and broken towers -projecting.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_115'>115</span>Beyond Stuttgart, next day, you find other changes -still. By and by, approaching and leaving Nuremberg -and down by Newhaus, your landscape is -humped everywhere with scattered knobs of rock, -unsociable crags of a rude, towerlike look, and -thatched with grass and vines and bushes. And -now and then you have gorges, too, of a modest -pattern as to size, with precipice walls curiously -carved and honeycombed by--I don’t know what--but -water, no doubt.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The changes are not done yet, for the instant the -country finds it is out of Württemberg and into -Bavaria it discards one more thickness of soil to go -with previous disrobings, and then nothing remains -over the bones but the shift. There may be a poorer -soil somewhere, but it is not likely.</p> - -<p class='c001'>A couple of hours from Bayreuth you cross into -Bohemia, and before long you reach this Marienbad, -and recognize another sharp change, the change -from the long ago to to-day; that is to say from the -very old to the spick and span new; from an architecture -totally without shapeliness or ornament to -an architecture attractively equipped with both; -from universal dismalness as to color to universal -brightness and beauty as to tint; from a town which -seems made up of prisons to a town which is made -up of gracious and graceful mansions proper to the -light of heart and crimeless. It is like jumping out -of Jerusalem into Chicago.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The more I think of these many changes, the more -surprising the thing seems. I have never made so -picturesque a journey before, and there cannot be -<span class='pageno' id='Page_116'>116</span>another trip of like length in the world that can -furnish so much variety and of so charming and -interesting a sort.</p> - -<p class='c001'>There are only two or three streets here in this -snug pocket in the hemlock hills, but they are handsome. -When you stand at the foot of a street and -look up at the slant of it you see only block fronts of -graceful pattern, with happily broken lines and the -pleasant accent of bay projections and balconies in -orderly disorder and harmonious confusion, and -always the color is fresh and cheery, various shades -of cream, with softly contrasting trimmings of white, -and now and then a touch of dim red. These blocks -are all thick walled, solid, massive, tall for this -Europe; but it is the brightest and newest looking -town on the Continent, and as pretty as anybody -could require. The steep hills spring high aloft from -their very back doors and are clothed densely to -their tops with hemlocks.</p> - -<p class='c001'>In Bavaria everybody is in uniform, and you -wonder where the private citizens are, but here in -Bohemia the uniforms are very rare. Occasionally -one catches a glimpse of an Austrian officer, but it -is only occasionally. Uniforms are so scarce that -we seem to be in a republic. Almost the only striking -figure is the Polish Jew. He is very frequent. -He is tall and of grave countenance and wears a -coat that reaches to his ankle bones, and he has a -little wee curl or two in front of each ear. He has -a prosperous look, and seems to be as much respected -as anybody.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The crowds that drift along the promenade at -<span class='pageno' id='Page_117'>117</span>music time twice a day are fashionably dressed after -the Parisian pattern, and they look a good deal -alike, but they speak a lot of languages which you -have not encountered before, and no ignorant person -can spell their names, and they can’t pronounce them -themselves.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Marienbad--Mary’s Bath. The Mary is the Virgin. -She is the patroness of these curative springs. -They try to cure everything--gout, rheumatism, -leanness, fatness, dyspepsia, and all the rest. The -whole thing is the property of a convent, and has -been for six or seven hundred years. However, -there was never a boom here until a quarter of a -century ago.</p> - -<p class='c001'>If a person has the gout, this is what they do -with him: they have him out at 5.30 in the morning, -and give him an egg and let him look at a cup of -tea. At six he must be at his particular spring, with -his tumbler hanging at his belt--and he will have -plenty of company there. At the first note of the -orchestra he must lift his tumbler and begin to sip -his dreadful water with the rest. He must sip slowly -and be a long time at it. Then he must tramp about -the hills for an hour or so, and get all the exercise -and fresh air possible. Then he takes his tub or -wallows in his mud, if mud baths are his sort. By -noon he has a fine appetite, and the rules allow him -to turn himself loose and satisfy it, so long as he is -careful and eats only such things as he doesn’t -want. He puts in the afternoon walking the hills -and filling up with fresh air. At night he is allowed -to take three ounces of any kind of food he doesn’t -<span class='pageno' id='Page_118'>118</span>like and drink one glass of any kind of liquor that -he has a prejudice against; he may also smoke one -pipe if he isn’t used to it. At half past nine sharp -he must be in bed and his candle out. Repeat the -whole thing the next day. I don’t see any advantage -in this over having the gout.</p> - -<p class='c001'>In the case of most diseases that is about what -one is required to undergo, and if you have any -pleasant habit that you value, they want that. They -want that the first thing. They make you drop -everything that gives an interest to life. Their idea -is to reverse your whole system of existence and -make a regenerating revolution. If you are a Republican, -they make you talk free trade. If you are a -Democrat they make you talk protection; if you -are a Prohibitionist, you have got to go to bed -drunk every night till you get well. They spare -nothing, they spare nobody. Reform, reform, that -is the whole song. If a person is an orator, they gag -him; if he likes to read, they won’t let him; if he -wants to sing, they make him whistle. They say -they can cure any ailment, and they do seem to do -it; but why should a patient come all the way here? -Why shouldn’t he do these things at home and save -the money? No disease would stay with a person -who treated it like that.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I didn’t come here to take baths, I only came to -look around. But first one person, then another -began to throw out hints, and pretty soon I was a -good deal concerned about myself. One of these -goutees here said I had a gouty look about the eye; -next a person who has catarrh of the intestines asked -<span class='pageno' id='Page_119'>119</span>me if I didn’t notice a dim sort of stomach ache -when I sneezed. I hadn’t before, but I did seem to -notice it then. A man that’s here for heart disease -said he wouldn’t come downstairs so fast if he had -my build and aspect. A person with an old-gold -complexion said a man died here in the mud bath -last week that had a petrified liver--good deal such -a looking man as I am, and the same initials, and -so on, and so on.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Of course, there was nothing to be uneasy about, -and I wasn’t what you may call really uneasy; but -I was not feeling very well--that is, not brisk--and -I went to bed. I suppose that that was not a good -idea, because then they had me. I started in at the -supper end of the mill and went through. I am said -to be all right now, and free from disease, but this -does not surprise me. What I have been through -in these two weeks would free a person of pretty -much everything in him that wasn’t nailed there--any -loose thing, any unattached fragment of bone, -or meat or morals, or disease, or propensities or -accomplishments, or what not. And I don’t say -but that I feel well enough, I feel better than I would -if I was dead, I reckon. And, besides, they say I -am going to build up now and come right along and -be all right. I am not saying anything, but I wish -I had enough of my diseases back to make me aware -of myself, and enough of my habits to make it -worth while to live. To have nothing the matter -with you and no habits is pretty tame, pretty colorless. -It is just the way a saint feels, I reckon; it is -at least the way he looks. I never could stand a -<span class='pageno' id='Page_120'>120</span>saint. That reminds me that you see very few -priests around here, and yet, as I have already said, -this whole big enterprise is owned and managed by -a convent. The few priests one does see here are -dressed like human beings, and so there may be -more of them than I imagine. Fifteen priests dressed -like these could not attract as much of your attention -as would one priest at Aix-les-Bains. You cannot -pull your eye loose from the French priest as -long as he is in sight, his dress is so fascinatingly -ugly. I seem to be wandering from the subject, -but I am not. This is about the coldest place I ever -saw, and the wettest, too. This August seems like -an English November to me. Rain? Why, it seems -to like to rain here. It seems to rain every time -there is a chance. You are strictly required to be -out airing and exercising whenever the sun is shining, -so I hate to see the sun shining because I hate air -and exercise--duty air and duty exercise taken for -medicine. It seems ungenuine, out of season, -degraded to sordid utilities, a subtle spiritual something -gone from it which one can’t describe in -words, but--don’t you understand? With that gone -what is left but canned air, canned exercise, and -you don’t want it.</p> - -<p class='c001'>When the sun does shine for a few moments or -a few hours these people swarm out and flock through -the streets and over the hills and through the pine -woods, and make the most of the chance, and I have -flocked out, too, on some of these occasions, but as -a rule I stay in and try to get warm.</p> - -<p class='c001'>And what is there for means, besides heavy clothing -<span class='pageno' id='Page_121'>121</span>and rugs, and the polished white tomb that -stands lofty and heartless in the corner and thinks -it is a stove? Of all the creations of human insanity -this thing is the most forbidding. Whether it is -heating the room or isn’t, the impression is the -same--cold indifference. You can’t tell which it is -doing without going and putting your hand on it. -They burn little handfuls of kindlings in it, no substantial -wood, and no coal.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The fire burns out every fifteen minutes, and there -is no way to tell when this has happened. On these -dismal days, with the rain steadily falling, it is no -better company than a corpse. A roaring hickory -fire, with the cordial flames leaping up the chimney--But -I must not think of such things, they make a -person homesick. This is a most strange place to -come to get rid of disease.</p> - -<p class='c001'>That is what you think most of the time. But in -the intervals, when the sun shines and you are tramping -the hills and are comparatively warm, you get -to be neutral, maybe even friendly. I went up to -the Aussichtthurm the other day. This is a tower -which stands on the summit of a steep hemlock -mountain here; a tower which there isn’t the least -use for, because the view is as good at the base of -it as it is at the top of it. But Germanic people are -just mad for views--they never get enough of a -view--if they owned Mount Blanc, they would -build a tower on top of it.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The roads up that mountain through that hemlock -forest are hard packed and smooth, and the grades -are easy and comfortable. They are for walkers, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_122'>122</span>not for carriages. You move through steep silence -and twilight, and you seem to be in a million-columned -temple; whether you look up the hill or -down it you catch glimpses of distant figures flitting -without sound, appearing and disappearing in the -dim distances, among the stems of the trees, and it -is all very spectral, and solemn and impressive. Now -and then the gloom is accented and sized up to your -comprehension in a striking way; a ray of sunshine -finds its way down through and suddenly calls your -attention, for where it falls, far up the hillslope in -the brown duskiness, it lays a stripe that has a -glare like lightning. The utter stillness of the forest -depths, the soundless hush, the total absence of stir -or motion of any kind in leaf or branch, are things -which we have no experience of at home, and consequently -no name for in our language. At home -there would be the plaint of insects and the twittering -of birds and vagrant breezes would quiver the -<a id='corr122.20'></a><span class='htmlonly'><ins class='correction' title='foilage'>foliage</ins></span><span class='epubonly'><a href='#c_122.20'><ins class='correction' title='foilage'>foliage</ins></a></span>. Here it is the stillness of death. This is -what the Germans are forever talking about, dreaming -about, and despairingly trying to catch and -imprison in a poem, or a picture, or a song--they -adored Waldeinsamkeit, loneliness of the woods. -But how catch it? It has not a body; it is a spirit. -We don’t talk about it in America, or dream of it, -or sing about it, because we haven’t it. Certainly -there is something wonderfully alluring about it, -beguiling, dreamy, unworldly. Where the gloom is -softest and richest, and the peace and stillness -deepest, far up on the side of that hemlock mountain, -a spot where Goethe used to sit and dream, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_123'>123</span>is marked by a granite obelisk, and on its side is -carved this famous poem, which is the master’s idea -of Waldeinsamkeit:</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b c016'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ueber allen Wipfeln ist Ruh,</span></div> - <div class='line'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">In allen Wipfeln spürest du</span></div> - <div class='line in4'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Kaum einen Hauch:</span></div> - <div class='line'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Die Vogel in schweigen in Walde.</span></div> - <div class='line'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Warte nur--Balde</span></div> - <div class='line in4'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Ruhest du auch.</span></div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c013'>It is raining again now. However, it was doing -that before. I have been over to the establishment -and had a tub bath with two kinds of pine juice in -it. These fill the room with a pungent and most -pleasant perfume; they also turn the water to a -color of ink and cover it with a snowy suds, two or -three inches deep. The bath is cool--about 75° or -80° F., and there is a cooler shower bath after it. -While waiting in the reception room all by myself -two men came in and began to talk. Politics, literature, -religion? No, their ailments. There is no other -subject here, apparently. Wherever two or three of -these people are gathered together, there you have -it, every time. The first that can get his mouth -open contributes his disease and the condition of it, -and the others follow with theirs. The two men -just referred to were acquaintances, and they followed -the custom. One of them was built like a gasometer -and is here to reduce his girth; the other was built -like a derrick and is here to fat up, as they express -it, at this resort. They were well satisfied with the -progress they were making. The gasometer had lost -a quarter of a ton in ten days, and showed the record -<span class='pageno' id='Page_124'>124</span>on his belt with pride, and he walked briskly across -the room, smiling in a vast and luminous way, like -a harvest moon, and said he couldn’t have done that -when he arrived here. He buttoned his coat around -his equator and showed how loose it was. It was -pretty to see his happiness, it was so childlike and -honest. He set his feet together and leaned out over -his person and proved that he could see them. He -said he hadn’t seen them from that point before for -fifteen years. He had a hand like a boxing glove. -And on one of his fingers he had just found a diamond -ring which he had missed eleven years ago.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The minute the derrick got a chance he broke in -and began to tell how he was piling on blubber right -along--three-quarters of an ounce every four days; -and he was still piping away when I was sent for. -I left the fat man standing there panting and blowing, -and swelling and collapsing like a balloon, his -next speech all ready and urgent for delivery.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The patients are always at that sort of thing, -trying to talk one another to death. The fat ones -and the lean ones are nearly the worse at it, but not -quite; the dyspeptics are the worst. They are at -it all day and all night, and all along. They have -more symptoms than all the others put together and -so there is more variety of experience, more change -of condition, more adventure, and consequently more -play for the imagination, more scope for lying, and -in every way a bigger field to talk. Go where you -will, hide where you may, you cannot escape that -word liver; you overhear it constantly--in the -street, in the shop, in the theater, in the music -<span class='pageno' id='Page_125'>125</span>grounds. Wherever you see two or a dozen people -of ordinary bulk talking together, you know they are -talking about their livers. When you first arrive -here your new acquaintances seem sad and hard to -talk to, but pretty soon you get the lay of the land -and the hand of things, and after that you haven’t -any more trouble. You look into the dreary dull -eye and softly say:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Well, how’s your liver?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>You will see that dim eye flash up with a grateful -flame, and you will see that jaw begin to work, and -you will recognize that nothing is required of you -from this out but to listen as long as you remain conscious. -After a few days you will begin to notice -that out of these people’s talk a gospel is framing -itself and next you will find yourself believing it. -It is this--that a man is not what his rearing, his -schooling, his beliefs, his principles make him, he -is what his liver makes him; that with a healthy -liver he will have the clear-seeing eye, the honest -heart, the sincere mind, the loving spirit, the loyal -soul, the truth and trust and faith that are based as -Gibraltar is based, and that with an unhealthy liver -he must and will have the opposite of all these, he -will see nothing as it really is, he cannot trust anybody, -or believe in anything, his moral foundations -are gone from under him. Now, isn’t that interesting? -I think it is.</p> - -<p class='c001'>One of the most curious things in these countries -is the street manners of the men and women. In -meeting you they come straight on without swerving -a hair’s breadth from the direct line and wholly ignoring -<span class='pageno' id='Page_126'>126</span>your right to any part of the road. At the last -moment you must yield up your share of it and step -aside, or there will be a collision. I noticed this -strange barbarism first in Geneva twelve years ago.</p> - -<p class='c001'>In Aix-les-Bains, where sidewalks are scarce and -everybody walks in the streets, there is plenty of -room, but that is no matter; you are always escaping -collisions by mere quarter inches. A man or -woman who is headed in such a way as to cross -your course presently without a collision will actually -alter his direction shade by shade and compel a -collision unless at the last instant you jump out of -the way. Those folks are not dressed as ladies and -gentlemen. And they do not seem to be consciously -crowding you out of the road; they seem to be -innocently and stupidly unaware that they are -doing it. But not so in Geneva. There this class, -especially the men, crowd out men, women, and -girls of all rank and raiment consciously and intentionally--crowd -them off the sidewalk and into the -gutter.</p> - -<p class='c001'>There was nothing of this sort in Bayreuth. But -here--well, here the thing is astonishing. Collisions -are unavoidable unless you do all the yielding yourself. -Another odd thing--here this savagery is confined -to the folk who wear the fine clothes; the -others are courteous and considerate. A big burly -Comanche, with all the signs about him of wealth -and education, will tranquilly force young ladies to -step off into the gutter to avoid being run down by -him. It is a mistake that there is no bath that will -cure people’s manners. But drowning would help.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_127'>127</span>However, perhaps one can’t look for any real -showy amount of delicacy of feeling in a country -where a person is brought up to contemplate without -a shudder the spectacle of women harnessed up -with dogs and hauling carts. The woman is on one -side of the pole, the dog on the other, and they bend -to the work and tug and pant and strain--and the -man tramps leisurely alongside and smokes his pipe. -Often the woman is old and gray, and the man is -her grandson. The Austrian national ornithological -device ought to be replaced by a grandmother harnessed -to a slush cart with a dog. This merely in -the interest of fact. Heraldic fancy has been a little -too much overworked in these countries, anyway.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Lately one of those curious things happened here -which justify the felicitous extravagances of the stage -and help us to accept them. A despondent man, -bankrupt, friendless, and desperate, dropped a dose -of strychnia into a bottle of whisky and went out -in the dusk to find a handy place for his purpose, -which was suicide. In a lonely spot he was stopped -by a tramp, who said he would kill him if he didn’t -give up his money. Instead of jumping at the chance -of getting himself killed and thus saving himself the -impropriety and annoyance of suicide, he forgot all -about his late project and attacked the tramp in a -most sturdy and valiant fashion. He made a good -fight, but failed to win. The night passed, the morning -came, and he woke out of unconsciousness to -find that he had been clubbed half to death and left -to perish at his leisure. Then he reached for his -bottle to add the finishing touch, but it was gone. He -<span class='pageno' id='Page_128'>128</span>pulled himself together and went limping away, and -presently came upon the tramp stretched out stone -dead with the empty bottle beside him. He had -drunk the whisky and committed suicide innocently. -Now, while the man who had been cheated out of -his suicide stood there bemoaning his hard luck and -wondering how he might manage to raise money -enough to buy some more whisky and poison, some -people of the neighborhood came by and he told -them about his curious adventure. They said that -this tramp had been the scourge of the neighborhood -and the dread of the constabulary. The inquest -passed off quietly and to everybody’s satisfaction, -and then the people, to testify their gratitude to the -hero of the occasion, put him on the police, on a -good-enough salary, and he is all right now and is -not meditating suicide any more. Here are all the -elements of the naïvest Arabian tale; a man who -resists robbery when he hasn’t anything to be robbed -of does the very best to save his life when he has -come out purposely to throw it away; and finally is -victorious in defeat, killing his adversary in an effectual -and poetic fashion after being already hors du -combat himself. Now if you let him rise in the service -and marry the chief of police’s daughter it has the -requisite elements of the Oriental romance, lacking -not a detail so far as I can see.</p> -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_129'>129</span> - <h2 class='c007'>DOWN THE RHÔNE <br /> <span class='small'>(1891)</span></h2> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_2_0_4 c014'>In old times a summer sail down the Rhône was a -favorite trip with travelers. But that day is long -gone by. The conveniences for the sail disappeared -many years ago--driven out of existence by the -railway.</p> - -<p class='c001'>In August, 1891, I made this long-neglected voyage -with a boatman and a courier. The following account -of it is part diary and part comment. The main idea -of the voyage was, not to see sights, but to rest up -from sight-seeing. There was little or nothing on -the Rhône to examine or study or write didactically -about; consequently, to glide down the stream in -an open boat, moved by the current only, would -afford many days of lazy repose, with opportunity -to smoke, read, doze, talk, accumulate comfort, get -fat, and all the while be out of reach of the news and -remote from the world and its concerns.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Our point of departure was to be the Castle of -Châtillon on Lake Bourget, not very far from Aix-les-Bains. -I went down from Geneva by rail on a -Saturday afternoon, and reached the station nearest -the castle during the evening. I found the courier -waiting for me. He had been down in the lake -region several days, hunting for a boat, engaging -the boatman, etc.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_130'>130</span><i>From my log.</i>--The luggage was given to the porters--a -couple of peasant girls of seventeen or -eighteen years, and a couple of younger ones--children, -one might say, of twelve or thirteen. It -consisted of heavy satchels and holdalls, but they -gathered it up and trudged away, not seeming to -mind the weight. The road was through woods and -uphill--dark and steep and long. I tried to take -the heavy valise from the smallest one, telling her I -would carry it myself. She did not understand, of -course, and resisted. I tried, then, to take the bag -by gentle force. This alarmed her. The courier -came and explained that she was afraid she was -going to lose the trifle of money she was earning.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The courier told her this was not the case, but -she looked doubtful and concluded to hang on to a -sure thing.</p> - -<p class='c001'>“How much is it she’s going to get?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“She will charge about half a franc.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Then pay her <em>now</em>, and she’ll give up the bag.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>But that scheme failed, too. The child hung to -the bag and seemed distressed. No explanation -could be got out of her, but one of the other girls -said the child was afraid that if she gave it up, the -fact would be used against her with tourists as proof -that she was not strong enough to carry their luggage -for them, and so she would lose chances to get work.</p> - -<p class='c001'>By and by the winding road carried us by an open -space where we could see very well--see the ruins -of a burned-out little hamlet of the humblest sort--stone -walls with empty window holes, narrow alleys -cluttered with wreckage and fallen thatch, etc. Our -<span class='pageno' id='Page_131'>131</span>girls were eager to have us stop and view this wonder, -the result of the only conflagration they had ever -seen, the only large event that had ever accented -their monotonous lives. It had happened a couple -of months before, and the villagers had lost everything, -even to their stockings of savings, and were -too poor to rebuild their houses. A young woman, -an old one, and all the horses had been burned to -death; the young girls said they could take us among -the ruins and show us the very spot.</p> - -<p class='c001'>We finally came out on the top of the hill, and -there stood the castle, a rather picturesque old -stack of masonry with a walled yard about it and -an odd old stumpy tower in a corner of the yard -handsomely clothed in vines. The castle is a private -residence, whose owner leaves it in charge -of his housekeeper and some menservants, and -lives in Lyons except when he wants to fish or -shoot.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The courier had engaged rooms, but the fact had -probably been forgotten, for we had trouble in rousing -the garrison. It was getting late and they were -asleep. Eventually a man unlocked and unbarred -the door and led us up a winding stair of heavy and -very plain stonework. My bed was higher from the -floor than necessary. This is apparently the rule in -old French houses of the interior. But there is a -stepladder.</p> - -<p class='c001'>In the morning I looked out of my window and -saw the tops of trees below me, thick and beautiful -foliage, and below the trees was the bright blue -water of the lake shining in the sun. The window -<span class='pageno' id='Page_132'>132</span>seemed to be about two hundred feet above the -water. An airy and inspiring situation, indeed. A -pope was born in that room a couple of centuries -ago. I forget his name.</p> - -<p class='c001'>In that old day they built for utility, this was -evident. Everything--floors, sashes, shutters, beams, -joists--were cheap, coarse, ornamentless, but everlastingly -solid and substantial. On the wall hung -an indication of the politics of the present owner. -This was a small photograph with “Philippe Comte -de Paris” written under it.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The castle was ancient, in its way, but over the -door of one of its rooms there was a picture set in a -frame whose profound antiquity made all its surroundings -seem modern and fresh. This frame was -of good firm oak, as black as a coal, and had once -been part of a lake-dweller’s house. It was already -a thing of antiquity when the Romans were planting -colonies in France before the time of Christ. The -remains of a number of lake villages have been dug -out of the mud of Lake Bourget.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Breakfast was served in the open air on a precipice -in a little arbor sheltered by vines, with glimpses -through the tree tops of the blue water far below, -and with also a wide prospect of mountain scenery. -The coffee was the best I ever drank in Europe.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Presently there was a bugle blast from somewhere -about the battlements--a fine Middle Age effect--and -after a moment it was answered from the -further shore of the lake, and we saw a boat put -out from that shore. It was ours. We were soon -on board and away.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_133'>133</span>It was a roomy, long flatboat, very light and easy -to manage--easy to manage because its sides tapered -a little toward both ends, and both ends curved up -free from the water and made the steering prompt -and easy. The rear half was sheltered from sun and -rain by a temporary (and removable) canopy -stretched over hoop-pole arches, after the fashion -of the old-time wagon covers of the emigrants to -California. We at once rolled the sides of the -canopy high up, so that we might have the breeze -and a free view on every hand.</p> - -<p class='c001'>On the other side of the lake we entered a narrow -canal, and here we had our last glimpse of that -picturesque Châtillon perched on its high promontory. -The sides of the canal were walled with vines -heavily laden with black grapes. The vine leaves -were white with the stuff which is squirted on them -from a thing like a fire extinguisher to kill the -calamitous phylloxera. We saw only one living creature -for the first lonely mile--a man with his extinguisher -strapped on his back and hard at his deadly -work. I asked our admiral, Joseph Rougier, of the -village of Chanaz, if it would be a good idea to offer -to sell this Sabbath breaker a few choice samples of -foreign phylloxera, and he said yes, if one wanted to -play the star part in an inquest.</p> - -<p class='c001'>At last two women and a man strolling churchward -in their Sunday best gave us a courteous hail -and walked briskly along abreast of us, plying the -courier and the sailor with eager questions about our -curious and unaccountable project, and by the time -they had got their fill and dropped astern to digest -<span class='pageno' id='Page_134'>134</span>the matter and finish wondering over it, we were -serene again and busy discussing the scenery; for -now there was really some scenery to look at, of a -mild but pleasant type--low precipices, a country -road shaded by large trees, a few cozy thatched -cabins scattered along, and now and then an irruption -of joyous children who flocked to inspect us -and admire, followed by friendly dogs who stood -and barked at us, but wagged their tails to say no -offense was intended.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Soon the precipice grew bolder, and presently -Chanaz came in sight and the canal bore us along -its front--along its street, for it had only one. We -stepped ashore. There was a roll of distant drums, -and soon a company or two of French infantry came -marching by. All the citizens were out, and every -male took off his hat politely as the soldiers moved -past him, and this salute was always returned by -the officers.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I wanted envelopes, wine, grapes, and postage -stamps, and was directed to a stone stairway and -told to go up one flight. Up there I found a small -well-smoked kitchen paved with worn-out bricks, -with pots and pans hanging about the walls, and a -bent and humped woman of seventy cooking a very -frugal dinner. The tiredest dog I have seen this -year lay asleep under the stove, in a roasting heat, -an incredible heat, a heat that would have pulled a -remark of the Hebrew children; but the dog slept -along with perfect serenity and did not seem to -know that there was anything the matter with the -weather. The old woman set off her coffee pot. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_135'>135</span>Next she removed her pork chop to the table; it -seemed to me that this was premature--the dog -was better done.</p> - -<p class='c001'>We asked for the envelopes and things; she -motioned us to the left with her ladle. We passed -through a door and found ourselves in the smallest -wholesale and retail commercial house in the world, -I suppose. The place was not more than nine feet -square. The proprietor was polite and cheerful -enough for a place five or six times as large. He was -weighing out two ounces of parched coffee for a little -girl, and when the balances came level at last he took -off a light bean and put on a heavier one in the handsomest -way and then tied up the purchase in a piece -of paper and handed it to the child with as nice a -bow as one would see anywhere. In that shop he -had a couple of bushels of wooden shoes--a dollar’s -worth, altogether, perhaps--but he had no other -articles in such lavish profusion. Yet he had a pound -or so or a dipperful of any kind of thing a person -might want. You couldn’t buy two things of a kind -there, but you could buy one of any and every kind. -It was a useful shop, and a sufficient one, no doubt, -yet its contents could not have cost more than ten -dollars. Here was home on a small scale, but everything -comfortable, no haggard looks visible, no -financial distress apparent. I got all the things I -came for except double-postage stamps for foreign -service; I had to take domestic stamps instead. -The merchant said he kept a double-stamp in stock -a couple of years, but there was no market for it, -so he sent it back to Paris, because it was eating -<span class='pageno' id='Page_136'>136</span>up its insurance. A careful man and thrifty; and -of such is the commonwealth of France.</p> - -<p class='c001'>We got some hot fried fish in Chanaz and took -them aboard and cleared out. With grapes and -claret and bread they made a satisfactory luncheon. -We paddled a hundred yards, turned a rock corner, -and here was the furious gray current of the Rhône -just a-whistling by! We crept into it from the -narrow canal, and laid in the oars. The floating -was begun. One needs no oar-help in a current like -that. The shore seemed to fairly spin past. Where -the current assaults the heavy stone barriers thrown -out from the shores to protect the banks, it makes a -break like the break of a steamboat, and you can -hear the roar a couple of hundred yards off.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The river where we entered it was about a hundred -yards wide, and very deep. The water was at -medium stage. The Rhône is not a very long river--six -hundred miles--but it carries a bigger mass of -water to the sea than any other French stream.</p> - -<p class='c001'>For the first few miles we had lonely shores--hardly -ever a house. On the left bank we had high -precipices and domed hills; right bank low and -wooded.</p> - -<p class='c001'>At one point in the face of a precipice we saw a -great cross (carved out of the living rock, the Admiral -said) forty feet above the carriage road, where a -doctor has had his tomb scooped in the rock and -lies in there safe from his surviving patients--if any.</p> - -<p class='c001'>At 1.25 <span class='fss'>P.M.</span> we passed the slumbrous village of -Massigneux de Rive on the right and the ditto -village of Huissier on the left (in Savoie). We had -<span class='pageno' id='Page_137'>137</span>to take all names by sound from the Admiral; he -said nobody could spell them. There was a ferry -at the former village. A wire is stretched across the -river high overhead; along this runs a wheel which -has ropes leading down and made fast to the ferryboat -in such a way that the boat’s head is held -farther upstream than its stern. This angle enables -the current to drive the boat across, and no other -motive force is needed. This would be a good thing -on minor rivers in America.</p> - -<p class='c001'>2.10 <span class='fss'>P.M.</span>--It is delightfully cool, breezy, shady -(under the canopy), and still. Much smoking and -lazy reflecting. There is no sound but the rippling -of the current and the moaning of far-off breaks, -except that now and then the Admiral dips a screechy -oar to change the course half a point. In the distance -one catches the faint singing and laughter of playing -children or the softened note of a church bell or town -clock. But the reposeful stillness--that is the charm--and -the smooth swift gliding--and the fresh, clear, -lively, gray-green water. There was such a rush, -and boom, and life, and confusion, and activity in -Geneva yesterday--how remote all that seems now, -how wholly vanished away and gone out of this world!</p> - -<p class='c001'>2.15.--Village of Yenne. Iron suspension bridge. -On the heights back of the town a chapel with a -tower like a thimble, and a very tall white Virgin -standing on it.</p> - -<p class='c001'>2.25.--Precipices on both sides now. River narrow--sixty -yards.</p> - -<p class='c001'>2.30.--Immense precipice on right bank, with -groups of buildings (Pierre Châtel) planted on the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_138'>138</span>very edge of it. In its near neighborhood a massive -and picturesque fortification.</p> - -<p class='c001'>All this narrow gut from the bridge down to the -next bridge--a mile or two--is picturesque with its -frowning high walls of rock.</p> - -<p class='c001'>In the face of the precipice above the second bridge -sits a painted house on a rock bench--a chapel, we -think, but the Admiral says it is for the storage of -wine.</p> - -<p class='c001'>More fortifications at the corner where the river -turns--no cannon, but narrow slits for musketry -commanding the river. Also narrow slits in the -solid (hollowed-out) precipice. Perhaps there is no -need of cannon here where you can throw a biscuit -across from precipice to precipice.</p> - -<p class='c001'>2.45.--Below that second bridge. On top of the -bluffs more fortifications. Low banks on both sides -here.</p> - -<p class='c001'>2.50.--Now both sets of fortifications show up, -look huge and formidable, and are finely grouped. -Through the glass they seem deserted and falling to -ruin. Out of date, perhaps.</p> - -<p class='c001'>One will observe, by these paragraphs, that the -Rhône is swift enough to keep one’s view changing -with a very pleasant alacrity.</p> - -<p class='c001'>At midafternoon we passed a steep and lofty -bluff--right bank--which was crowned with the -moldering ruins of a castle overgrown with trees. -A relic of Roman times, the Admiral said. Name? -No, he didn’t know any name for it. Had it a history? -Perhaps; he didn’t know. Wasn’t there even -a legend connected with it? He didn’t know of any.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_139'>139</span>Not even a legend. One’s first impulse was to be -irritated; whereas one should be merely thankful; -for if there is one sort of invention in this world -that is flatter than another, it is the average folklore -legend. It could probably be proven that even the -adventures of the saints in the Roman calendar are -not of a lower grade as works of the inventor’s art.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The dreamy repose, the infinite peace of these -tranquil shores, this Sabbath stillness, this noiseless -motion, this strange absence of the sense of sin, and -the stranger absence of the desire to commit it--this -was the perfectest day the year had brought! -Now and then we slipped past low shores with -grassy banks. A solitary thatched cottage close to -the edge, one or two big trees with dense foliage -sheltering the cottage, and the family in their Sunday, -clothes grouped in the deep shade, chatting, smoking, -knitting, the dogs asleep about their feet, the kittens -helping with the knitting, and all hands content and -praising God without knowing it. We always got a -friendly word of greeting and returned it. One of -these families contained eighteen sons, and all were -present. The Admiral was acquainted with everybody -along the banks, and with all the domestic -histories, notwithstanding he was so ineffectual on -old Roman matters.</p> - -<p class='c001'>4.20.--Bronze statue of the Virgin on a sterile -hill slope.</p> - -<p class='c001'>4.45.--Ruined Roman tower on a bluff. Belongs -to the no-name series.</p> - -<p class='c001'>5.--Some more Roman ruins in the distance.</p> - -<p class='c001'>At 6 o’clock we rounded to. We stepped ashore -<span class='pageno' id='Page_140'>140</span>in a woodsy and lonely place and walked a short -mile through a country lane to the sizable and rather -modern-looking village of St.-Genix. Part of the way -we followed another pleasure party--six or eight -little children riding aloft on a mountain of fragrant -hay. This is the earliest form of the human pleasure -excursion, and for utter joy and perfect contentment -it stands alone in a man’s threescore years and ten; -all that come after it have flaws, but this has -none.</p> - -<p class='c001'>We put up at the Hôtel Labully, in the little -square where the church stands. Satisfactory dinner. -Later I took a twilight tramp along the high -banks of a moist ditch called the Guires River. If -it was my river I wouldn’t leave it outdoors nights, -in this careless way, where any dog can come along -and lap it up. It is a tributary of the Rhône when -it is in better health.</p> - -<p class='c001'>It became dark while we were on our way back, -and then the bicyclers gave us many a sudden chill. -They never furnished us an early warning, but -delivered the paralyzing shock of their rubber-horn -hoot right at our shoulder blades and then flashed -spectrally by on their soundless wheels and floated -into the depths of the darkness and vanished from -sight before a body could collect his remark and -get it out. Sometimes they get shot. This is right.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I went to my room, No. 16. The floor was bare, -which is the rule down the Rhône. Its planks were -light colored, and had been smoothed by use rather -than art; they had conspicuous black knots in them. -The usual high and narrow bed was there, with the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_141'>141</span>usual little marble-topped commode by the head of -it and the usual strip of foot carpet alongside, where -you climb in. The wall paper was dark--which is -usual on the Continent; even in the northern regions -of Germany, where the daylight in winter is of such -poor quality that they don’t even tax it now.</p> - -<p class='c001'>When I woke in the morning it was eight o’clock -and raining hard, so I stayed in bed and had my -breakfast and a ripe old Paris paper of last week -brought up. It was a good breakfast--one often gets -that; and a liberal one--one seldom gets that. There -was a big bowl for the coffee instead of a stingy cup -which has to be refilled just as you are getting interested -in it; there was a quart of coffee in the pot -instead of a scant half pint; instead of the usual -hollow curl of brittle butter which evades you when -you try to scoop it on to the knife and crumbles when -you try to carve it, there was a solid cream-colored -lump as big as a brick; there was abundance of hot -milk, and there was also the usual ostensible cream -of Europe. There <em>must</em> be cream in Europe somewhere, -but it is not in the cows; they have been -examined.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The rain continued to pour until noon, then the -sun burst out and we were soon up and filing through -the village. By the time we had tramped our mile -and pushed out into the stream, the watches marked -1.10 and the day was brilliant and perfect.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Over on the right were ruins of two castles, one of -them of some size.</p> - -<p class='c001'>We passed under a suspension bridge; alongside -of it was an iron bridge of a later pattern. Near by -<span class='pageno' id='Page_142'>142</span>was a little steamer lying at the bank with no signs -of life about her--the first boat, except ferryboats, -encountered since we had entered the Rhône. A -lonely river, truly.</p> - -<p class='c001'>We drifted past lofty highlands, but there was -nothing inspiring about them. In Switzerland the -velvet heights are sprinkled with homes clear to the -clouds, but these hills were sterile, desolate, gray, -melancholy, and so thin was the skin on them that -the rocky bones showed through in places.</p> - -<p class='c001'>1.30.--We seem lost in the intricate channels of -an archipelago of flat islands covered with bushes.</p> - -<p class='c001'>1.50.--We whirl around a corner into open river -again, and observe that a vast bank of leaden clouds -is piling itself up on the horizon; the tint thrown -upon the distant stretches of water is rich and fine.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The river is wide now--a hundred and fifty yards--and -without islands. Suddenly it has become -nearly currentless and is like a lake. The Admiral -explains that from this point for nine miles it is -called L’Eau Morte--Dead Water.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The region is not entirely barren of life, it seems--solitary -woman paddling a punt across the wide still -pool.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The boat moved, but that is about all one could -say. It was indolent progress; still, it was comfortable. -There were flaming sunshine behind and -that rich thunder gloom ahead, and now and then -the fitful fanning of a pleasant breeze.</p> - -<p class='c001'>A woman paddled across--a rather young woman -with a face like the “Mona Lisa.” I had seen the -“Mona Lisa” only a little while before, and stood -<span class='pageno' id='Page_143'>143</span>two hours in front of that painting, repeating to -myself: “People come from around the globe to -stand here and worship. What is it they find in -it?” To me it was merely a serene and subdued face, -and there an end. There might be more in it, but -I could not find it. The complexion was bad; in -fact, it was not even human; there are no people of -that color. I finally concluded that maybe others still -saw in the picture faded and vanished marvels which -<em>had</em> been there once and were now forever vanished.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Then I remembered something told me once by -Noel Flagg,<a id='r3' /><a href='#f3' class='c022'><sup>[3]</sup></a> the artist. There was a time, he said, -when he wasn’t yet an artist but thought he was. -His pictures sold, and gave satisfaction, and that -seemed a good-enough verdict. One day he was -daubing away in his studio and feeling good and -inspired, when Dr. Horace Bushnell, that noble old -Roman, straggled in there without an invitation and -fastened that deep eye of his on the canvas. The -youth was proud enough of such a call, and glad -there was something on the easel that was worthy -of it. After a long look the great divine said:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“You have talent, boy.” (That sounded good.) -“What you want is teaching.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>Teaching--he, an accepted and competent artist! -He didn’t like that. After another long look:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Do you know the higher mathematics?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“I? No, sir.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“You must acquire them.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“As a proper part of an artist’s training?” -This with veiled irony.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_144'>144</span>“As an <em>essential</em> part of it. Do you know -anatomy?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“No, sir.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“You must learn how to dissect a body. What -are you studying, now--principally?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Nothing, I believe.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“And the time flying, the time flying! Where -are your books? What do you read?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“There they are, on the shelves.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“I see. Poetry and romance. They must wait. -Get to your mathematics and your anatomy right -away. Another point: you must train your eye--you -must teach yourself to see.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Teach myself to see? I believe I was born with -that ability.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“But nobody is born with a <em>trained</em> ability--nobody. -A cow sees--she sees all the outsides of -things, no doubt, but it is only the trained eye that -sees deeper, sees the soul of them, the meaning of -them, the spiritual essence. Are you sure that you -see more than the cow sees? You must go to Paris. -You will never learn to see here. There they’ll -teach you; there they’ll train you; there they’ll -work you like a slave; there they’ll bring out the -talent that’s in you. Be off! Don’t twaddle here -any longer!”</p> - -<p class='c001'>Flagg thought it over and resolved that the advice -was worth taking. He and his brother cleared for -Paris. They put in their first afternoon there scoffing -at the works of the old masters in the Louvre. -They laughed at themselves for crossing a wide -ocean to learn what masterly painting might be by -<span class='pageno' id='Page_145'>145</span>staring at these odious things. As for the “Mona -Lisa,” they exhausted their treasure of wit in making -fun of it.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Next day they put themselves into the hands of -the Beaux Arts people, and that was the end of -play. They had to start at the very bottom of their -trade and learn it over again, detail by detail, and -learn it <em>right</em>, this time. They slaved away, night -and day for three months, and wore themselves to -shadows. Then they had a day off, and drifted -into the Louvre. Neither said a word for some time; -each disliked to begin; but at last, in front of the -“Mona Lisa,” after standing mute awhile one of -them said:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Speak out. Say it.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Say it yourself.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Well, then, we <em>were</em> cows before!”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Yes--it’s the right name for it. That is what -we were. It is unbelievable, the change that has -come over these pictures in three months. It is the -difference between a landscape in the twilight and -the same landscape in the daytime.” Then they fell -into each other’s arms.</p> - -<p class='c001'>This all came back to me, now, as I saw this living -“Mona Lisa” punting across L’Eau Morte.</p> - -<p class='c001'>2.40 <span class='fss'>P.M.</span>--Made for a village on the right bank -with all speed--Port de Groslee. Remains of Roman -aqueduct on hilltop back of village. Rain!--Deluges -of it. Took refuge in an inn on the bank--Hôtel -des Voyageurs. The public room was full -of voyageurs and tobacco smoke. The voyageurs -may have been river folk in the old times when the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_146'>146</span>inn was built, but this present crowd was made up -of teamsters. They sat at bare tables, under their -feet was the bare floor, about them were the four -bare walls--a dreary place at any time, a heart-breaking -place now in the dark of the downpour. -However, it was manifestly not dreary to the teamsters. -They were sipping red wine and smoking; -they all talked at once, and with great energy and -spirit, and every now and then they gave their -thighs a sounding slap and burst into a general -horse laugh. The courier said that this was in -response to rude wit and coarse anecdotes. The -brace of modest-looking girls who were waiting on -the teamsters did not seem troubled. The courier -said that they were used to all kinds of language -and were not defiled by it; that they had probably -seldom heard a spade called anything but a spade, -therefore the foulest words came innocent to their -ears.</p> - -<p class='c001'>This inn was built of stone--of course; everybody’s -house on the Continent, from palace to -hovel, is built of that dismal material, and as a -rule it is as square as a box and odiously plain and -destitute of ornament; it is formal, forbidding, and -breeds melancholy thoughts in people used to friendlier -and more perishable materials of construction. -The frame house and the log house molder and pass -away, even in the builder’s time, and this makes a -proper bond of sympathy and fellowship between -the man and his home; but the stone house remains -always the same to the person born in it; in his old -age it is still as hard, and indifferent, and unaffected -<span class='pageno' id='Page_147'>147</span>by time as it was in the long-vanished days of his -childhood. The other kind of house shows by many -touching signs that it has noted his griefs and misfortunes -and has felt for them, but the stone house -doesn’t--it is not of his evanescent race, it has no -kinship with him, nor any interest in him.</p> - -<p class='c001'>A professional letter writer happened along presently, -and one of the young girls got him to write -a letter for her. It seemed strange that she could -not write it herself. The courier said that the peasant -women of the Rhône do not care for education, but -only for religion; that they are all good Catholics, -and that their main ambition in life is to see the -Rhône’s long procession of stone and bronze Virgins -added to, until the river shall be staked out with -them from end to end; and that their main pleasure -in life is to contribute from their scant centimes to -this gracious and elevating work. He says it is a -quite new caprice; that ten years ago there was not -a Virgin in this part of France at all, and never had -been. This may be true, and, of course, there is -nothing unreasonable about it, but I have already -found out that the courier’s statements are not -always exact.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I had a hot fried fish and coffee in a garden shed -roofed with a mat of vines, but the rain came -through in streams and I got drenched in spite of -our umbrellas, for one cannot manage table implements -and umbrellas all at the same time with -anything like good success.</p> - -<p class='c001'><i>Mem.</i>--Last evening, for economy’s sake, proposed -to be a Frenchman because Americans and English -<span class='pageno' id='Page_148'>148</span>are always overcharged. Courier said it wouldn’t -deceive unless I played myself for a deaf-and-dumb -Frenchman--which I did, and so the rooms were -only a franc and a half each. But the Admiral -must have let it out that I was only deaf and dumb -in French, for prices were raised in the bill this -morning.</p> - -<p class='c001'>4.10 <span class='fss'>P.M.</span>--Left Port de Groslee.</p> - -<p class='c001'>4.50 <span class='fss'>P.M.</span>--Château of the Count Cassiloa--or -something like that--the Admiral’s pronunciation -is elusive. Courier guesses the spelling at “Quintionat.” -I don’t quite see the resemblance. This -courier’s confidence in himself is a valuable talent. -He must be descended from the idiot who taught -our forefathers to spell tizzik with a <i>ph</i> and a <i>th</i>.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The river here is as still and smooth and nearly as -dead as a lake. The water is swirly, though, and -consequently makes uneasy steering.</p> - -<p class='c001'>River seems to draw together and greatly narrow -itself below the count’s house. No doubt the current -will smarten up there.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Three new quarries along here. Dear me! how -little there is in the way of sight-seeing, when a -quarry is an event! Remarked upon with contentment.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Swept through the narrow canallike place with a -good current.</p> - -<p class='c001'>On the left-hand point below, bush-grown ruins -of an ancient convent (St. Alban’s), picturesquely -situated on a low bluff. There is a higher and handsomer -bluff a trifle lower down. How did they -overlook it? Those people generally went for the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_149'>149</span>best, not second best. Shapely hole in latter bluff -one hundred feet above the water--anchorite’s nest? -Interesting-looking hole, and would have cost but -little time and trouble to examine it, but it was not -done. It is no matter; one can find other holes.</p> - -<p class='c001'>At last, below bluffs, we find some greensward--not -extensive, but a pleasant novelty.</p> - -<p class='c001'>5.30.--Lovely sunset. Mottled clouds richly -painted by sinking sun, and fleecy shreds of clouds -drifting along the fronts of neighboring blue mountains. -Harrow in a field. Apparently harrow, but -was distant and could not tell; could have been a -horse.</p> - -<p class='c001'>5.35.--Very large gray broken-arched and unusually -picturesque ruin crowning a hilltop on right. -Name unknown. This is a liberal mile above village -of Briord (my spelling--the Admiral’s pronunciation), -on same side. Passed the village swiftly, and -left it behind. The villagers came out and made fun -of our strange tub. The dogs chased us and were -more noisy than necessary.</p> - -<p class='c001'>6 <span class='fss'>P.M.</span>--Another suspension bridge--this is the -sixth one. They have ceased to interest. There -was nothing exciting about them, from the start. -Presently landed on left bank and shored the boat -for the night. Hôtel du Rhône Moine. Isolated. -Situated right on the bank. Sort of a village--villagette, -to be exact--a little back. Hôtel is two -stories high and not pretentious--family dwelling -and cow stable all under one roof.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I had been longing to have personal experience -of peasant life--be “on the inside” and see it for -<span class='pageno' id='Page_150'>150</span>myself, instead of at second hand in books. This -was an opportunity and I was excited about it and -glad. The kitchen was not clean, but it was a -sociable place, and the family were kind and full -of good will. There were three little children, a -young girl, father, mother, grandparents, some dogs, -and a plurality of cats. There was no discord; perfect -harmony prevailed.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Our table was placed on the lawn on the river -bank. One had no right to expect any finer style -here than he would find in the cheapest and shabbiest -little tavern in America, for the Hôtel du Rhône -Moine was for foot wanderers and laborers on the -flatboats that convey stone and sand and wood to -Lyons, yet the style <em>was</em> superior--very much so. -The tablecloth was white, and it and the table -furniture were perfectly clean. We had a fish of a -pretty coarse grain, but it was fresh from the river -and hot from the pan; the bread was good, there -was abundance of excellent butter, the milk was -rich and pure, the sugar was white, the coffee was -considerably better than that which is furnished -by the choice hotels of the capitals of the Continent. -Thus far, peasant life was a disappointment, it was -so much better than anything we were used to at -home in some respects. Two of the dogs came out, -presently, and sat down by the table and rested -their chins on it, and so remained. It was not to -beg, for they showed no interest in the supper; they -were merely there to be friendly, it was the only -idea they had. A squadron of cats came out by -and by and sat down in the neighborhood and looked -<span class='pageno' id='Page_151'>151</span>me over languidly, then wandered away without -passion, in fact with what looked like studied indifference. -Even the cats and the dogs are well and -sufficiently fed at the Hôtel du Rhône Moine--their -dumb testimony was as good as speech.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I went to bed early. It is inside the house, not -outside, that one really finds the peasant life. Our -rooms were over the stable, and this was not an -advantage. The cows and horses were not very -quiet, the smell was extraordinary, the fleas were a -disorderly lot, and these things helped the coffee to -keep one awake. The family went to bed at nine -and got up at two. The beds were very high; one -could not climb into them without the help of a -chair; and as they were narrow and arched, there -was danger of rolling out in case one drifted into -dreams of an imprudent sort. These lofty bedsteads -were not high from caprice, but for a purpose--they -contained chests of drawers, and the drawers were -full of clothing and other family property. On the -table in my room were some bright-colored, even -gorgeous little waxen saints and a Virgin under bell-glasses; -also the treasures of the house--jewelry -and a silver watch. It was not costly jewelry, but -it was jewelry, at any rate, and without doubt the -family valued it. I judged that this household were -accustomed to having honest guests and neighbors -or they would have removed these things from the -room when I entered it, for I do not look honester -than others.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Not that I have always thought in this way about -myself, for I haven’t. I thought the reverse until -<span class='pageno' id='Page_152'>152</span>the time I lost my overcoat, once, when I was going -down to New York to see the Water Color exhibition, -and had a sort of adventure in consequence. -The house had been robbed in the night, and when I -came downstairs to rush for the early train there -was no overcoat. It was a raw day, and when I got -to New York at noon I grew colder and colder as I -walked along down the Avenue. When I reached -East Thirty-fourth street I stopped on the corner -and began to consider. It seemed to me that it -must have been just about there that Smith,<a id='r4' /><a href='#f4' class='c022'><sup>[4]</sup></a> the -artist, took me one winter’s night, with others, -five years before, and caroused us with roasted -oysters and Southern stories and hilarity in his -fourth story until three or four in the morning; and -now if I could only call to mind which of those -houses over the way was his, I could borrow an -overcoat. All the time that I was thinking and -standing there and trying to recollect, I was dimly -conscious of a figure near me, but only dimly, very -dimly; but now as I came out of my reverie and -found myself gazing, rapt but totally unconscious, -at one of the houses over there, that figure solidified -itself and became at once the most conspicuous -thing in the landscape. It was a policeman. He -was standing not six feet away, and was gazing as -intently at my face as I had been gazing at the house. -I was embarrassed--it is always embarrassing to -come to yourself and find a stranger staring at you. -You blush, even when you have not been doing any -<span class='pageno' id='Page_153'>153</span>harm. So I blushed--a thing that does not commend -a person to a policeman; also I tried to smile a -placating smile, but it did not get any response, so -then I tried to make it a kind of friendly smile, -which was a mistake, because that only hardens a -policeman, and I saw at once that this smile had -hardened this one and made my situation more -difficult than ever; and so, naturally, my judgment -being greatly impaired by now, I spoke--which -was an error, because in these circumstances -one cannot arrange without reflection a remark -which will not seem to have a kind of suspicious -something about it to a policeman, and that was -what happened this time; for I had fanned up that -haggard smile again, which had been dying out -when I wasn’t noticing, and said:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Could you tell me, please, if there’s a Mr. Smith -lives over there in----”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“<em>What</em> Smith?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>That rude abruptness drove his other name out -of my mind; and as I saw I never should be able -to think of it with the policeman standing there -cowing me with his eye, that way, it seemed to me -best to get out a name of some kind, so as to avert -further suspicion, therefore I brought out the first -one which came into my mind, which was John--another -error. The policeman turned purple--apparently -with a sense of injury and insult--and said -there were a million John Smiths in New York, and -<em>which</em> one was this? Also what did I want with -Smith? I could not remember--the overcoat was -gone out of my mind. So I told him he was a pupil -<span class='pageno' id='Page_154'>154</span>of mine and that I was giving him lessons in morals; -moral culture--a new system.</p> - -<p class='c001'>That was a lucky hit, anyway. I was merely -despicable, now, to the policeman, but harmless--I -could see it in his eye. He looked me over a moment -then said:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“You give him lessons, do you?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Yes, sir.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“How long have you been giving him lessons?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Two years, next month.” I was getting my -wind again, and confidence.</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Which house does he live in?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“That one--the middle one in the block.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Then what did you ask <em>me</em> for, a minute ago?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>I did not see my way out. He waited for an -answer, but got tired before I could think of one -that would fit the case and said:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“How is it that you haven’t an overcoat on, such -a day as this?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“I--well, I never wear them. It doesn’t seem -cold to me.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>He thought awhile, with his eye on me, then said, -with a sort of sigh:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Well, maybe you are all right--I don’t know--but -you want to walk pretty straight while you are -on my beat; for, morals or no morals, blamed if I -take much stock in you. Move on, now.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>Then he turned away, swinging his club by its -string. But his eye was over his shoulder, my way; -so I had to cross to that house, though I didn’t -want to, any more. I did not expect it to be Smith’s -house, now that I was so out of luck, but I thought -<span class='pageno' id='Page_155'>155</span>I would ring and ask, and if it proved to be some one -else’s house, then I would explain that I had come to -examine the gas meter and thus get out the back -way and be all right again. The door was opened -by a middle-aged matron with a gentle and friendly -face, and she had a sweet serenity about her that -was a notable contrast to my nervous flurry. I asked -after Smith and if he lived there, and to my surprise -and gratitude she said that this was his home.</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Can I see him? Can I see him right away--immediately?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>No; he was gone downtown. My rising hopes -fell to ruin.</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Then can I see Mrs. Smith?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>But alas and alas! she was gone downtown with -him. In my distress I was suddenly smitten by one -of those ghastly hysterical inspirations, you know, -when you want to do an insane thing just to astonish -and petrify somebody; so I said, with a rather overdone -pretense of playful ease and assurance:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Ah, this is a very handsome overcoat on the -hat rack--be so good as to lend it to me for a day -or two!”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“With pleasure,” she said--and she had the coat -on me before I knew what had happened. It had -been my idea to astonish and petrify her, but I was -the person astonished and petrified, myself. So -astonished and so petrified, in fact, that I was out -of the house and gone, without a thank-you or a -question, before I came to my senses again. Then -I drifted slowly along, reflecting--reflecting pleasantly. -I said to myself, “She simply divined my -<span class='pageno' id='Page_156'>156</span>character by my face--what a far clearer intuition -she had than that policeman.” The thought sent -a glow of self-satisfaction through me.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Then a hand was laid on my shoulder and I -shrank together with a crash. It was the policeman. -He scanned me austerely and said:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Where did you get that overcoat?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>Although I had not been doing any harm, I had -all the sense of being caught--caught in something -disreputable. The officer’s accusing eye and unbelieving -aspect heightened this effect. I told what -had befallen me at the house in as straightforward a -way as I could, but I was ashamed of the tale, and -looked it, without doubt, for I knew and felt how -improbable it must necessarily sound to anybody, -particularly a policeman. Manifestly he did not -believe me. He made me tell it all over again, then -he questioned me:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“You don’t know the woman?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“No, I don’t know her.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Haven’t the least idea who she is?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Not the least.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“You didn’t tell her your name?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“No.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“She didn’t ask for it?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“No.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“You just asked her to lend you the overcoat, -and she let you take it?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“She put it on me herself.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“And didn’t look frightened?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Frightened? Of course not.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Not even surprised?”</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_157'>157</span>“Not in the slightest degree.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>He paused. Presently he said:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“My friend, I don’t believe a word of it. Don’t -you see, yourself, it’s a tale that won’t wash? Do -<em>you</em> believe it?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Yes. I know it’s true.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Weren’t you surprised?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Clear through to the marrow!”</p> - -<p class='c001'>He had been edging me along back to the house. -He had a deep design; he sprung it on me now. -Said he:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Stop where you are. I’ll mighty soon find out!”</p> - -<p class='c001'>He walked to the door and up the steps, keeping -a furtive eye out toward me and ready to jump for -me if I ran. Then he pretended to pull the bell, and -instantly faced about to observe the effect on me. -But there wasn’t any; I walked toward him instead -of running away. That unsettled him. He came -down the steps, evidently perplexed, and said:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Well, I can’t make it out. It may be all right, -but it’s too many for me. I don’t like your looks -and I won’t have such characters around. Go along, -now, and look sharp. If I catch you prowling around -here again I’ll run you <em>in</em>.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>I found Smith at the Water Color dinner that -night, and asked him if it were merely my face that -had enabled me to borrow the overcoat from a -stranger, but he was surprised and said:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“No! What an idea--and what intolerable conceit! -She is my housekeeper, and remembered your -drawling voice from overhearing it a moment that -night four or five years ago in my house; so she knew -<span class='pageno' id='Page_158'>158</span>where to send the police if you didn’t bring the coat -back!”</p> - -<p class='c001'>After all those years I was sitting here, now, at -midnight in the peasant hotel, in my night clothes, -and honoring womankind in my thoughts; for here -was another woman, with the noble and delicate -intuitions of her sex, trusting me, a total stranger, -with all her modest wealth. She entered the room, -just then, and stood beaming upon me a moment with -her sweet matronly eyes--then took away the jewelry.</p> - -<p class='c001'><i>Tuesday, September 22d.</i>--Breakfast in open air. -Extra canvas was now to be added to the boat’s -hood to keep the passengers and valises better protected -during rainstorms. I passed through the villagette -and started to walk over the wooded hill, the -boat to find us on the river bank somewhere below, -by and by. I soon got lost among the high bushes -and turnip gardens. Plenty of paths, but none went -to river. Reflection. Decision--that the path most -traveled was the one leading in the right direction. -It was a poor conclusion. I got lost again; this time -worse than before. But a peasant of above eighty -(as she said, and certainly she was very old and -wrinkled and gray and bent) found me presently and -undertook to guide me safely. She was vigorous, -physically, prompt and decided of movement, and -altogether soldierlike; and she had a hawk’s eye -and beak, and a gypsy’s complexion. She said that -from her girlhood up to not so very many years ago -she had done a man’s work on a woman’s pay on -the big keel boats that carry stone down the river, -and was as good a man as the best, in the matter -<span class='pageno' id='Page_159'>159</span>of handling stone. Said she had seen the great -Napoleon when she was a little child. Her face was -so wrinkled and dark and so eaglelike that she reminded -me of old Indians one sees out on the Great -Plains--the outside signs of age, but in the eye an -indestructible spirit. She had a couple of laden -baskets with her which I had found heavy after -three minutes’ carrying, when she was finding the -way for me, but they seemed nothing to her. She -impressed one rather as a man than as a woman; -and so, when she spoke of her child that was drowned, -and her voice broke a little and her lip quivered, it -surprised me; I was not expecting it. “Grandchild?” -No--it was her own child. “Indeed? When?” So -then it came out that it was sixty years ago. It -seemed strange that she should mind it so long. But -that was the woman of it, no doubt. She had a fragment -of newspaper--religious--with rude holy woodcuts -in it and doubtful episodes in the lives of mediæval -saints and anchorites--and she could read these -instructive matters in fine print without glasses; also, -her eyes were as good at long distances. She led -hither and thither among the paths and finally -brought me out overlooking the river. There was a -steep sandy frontage there, where there had recently -been a small landslide, and the faint new path ran -straight across it for forty feet, like a slight snow -track along the slant of a very steep roof. I halted -and declined. I had no mind to try the crumbly -path and creep and quake along it with the boiling -river--and maybe some rocks--under my elbow -thirty feet below. Such places turn my stomach. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_160'>160</span>The old woman took note of me, understood, and -said what sounded like, “<span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr"><i>Lass’ ma allez au premier</i></span>”--then -she tramped briskly and confidently across -with her baskets, sending miniature avalanches of -sand and gravel down into the river with each step. -One of her feet plowed from under her, about midway, -but she snatched it back and marched on, not -seeming to mind it. My pride urged me to move -along, and put me to shame. After a time the old -woman came back and coaxed me to try, and did at -last get me started in her wake and I got as far as -midway all right; but then to hearten me still more -and show me how easy and safe it was, she began to -prance and dance her way along, with her knuckles -in her hips, kicking a landslide loose with every skip. -The exhibition struck a cold panic through me and -made my brain swim. I leaned against the slope and -said I would stay there until the boat came and testified -as to whether there were rocks under me or -not. For the third time in my life I was in that -kind of a fix--in a place where I could not go backward -or forward, and mustn’t stay where I was. The -boat was a good while coming, but it seemed longer -than that. Where I was, the slope was like a roof; -where the slope ended the wall was perpendicular -thence to the water, and one could not see over and -tell what the state of things might be down there. -When the boat came along, the courier said there -was nothing down there but deep water--no rocks. -I did not mind the water; so my fears disappeared, -now, and I finished my march without discomfort. -I gave the old woman some money, which pleased -<span class='pageno' id='Page_161'>161</span>her very much and she tried her grateful best to -give us a partridge, newly killed, which she rummaged -out of one of her baskets, and seemed disappointed -when I would not take it. But I couldn’t; -it would have been a shabby act. Then she went -her way with her heavy baskets and I got aboard -and afloat once more, feeling a great respect for her -and very friendly toward her. She waved a good-by -every now and then till her figure faded out in the -plain, joining that interminable procession of friends -made and lost in an hour that drifts past a man’s -life from cradle to grave and returns on its course no -more. The courier said she was probably a poacher -and stole the partridge.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The courier was not able to understand why I had -not nerve enough to walk along a crumbling slope -with a precipice only thirty feet high below me; but -I had no difficulty in understanding it. It is constitutional -with me to get nervous and incapable under -the probability of getting myself dropped thirty feet -on to a pile of rocks; it does not come from culture. -Some people are made in one way, and some in -another--and the above is my way. Some people -who can skirt precipices without a tremor have a -strong dread of the dentist’s chair, whereas I was -born without any prejudices against the dentist’s -chair; when in it I am interested, am not in a hurry, -and do not greatly mind the pain. Taken by and -large, my style of make has advantages over the -other, I think. Few of us are obliged to circumnavigate -precipices, but we all have to take a chance -at the dental chair.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_162'>162</span>People who early learn the right way to choose a -dentist have their reward. Professional superiority -is not everything; it is only part. All dentists talk -while they work. They have inherited this from -their professional ancestors, the barbers. The dentist -who talks well--other things being equal--is the -one to choose. He tells anecdotes all the while and -keeps his man so interested and entertained that he -hardly notices the flight of time. For he not only -tells anecdotes that are good in themselves, but he -adds nice shadings to them with his instruments as -he goes along, and now and then brings out effects -which could not be produced with any other kind of -tools at all. All the time that such a dentist as this -is plowing down into a cavity with that spinning -gouge which he works with a treadle, it is observable -that he has found out where he has uncovered a -nerve down in there, and that he only visits it at -intervals, according to the needs of his anecdote, -touching it lightly, very lightly and swiftly, now and -then, to brighten up some happy conceit in his tale -and call a delicate electric attention to it; and all -the while he is working gradually and steadily up -toward his climax with veiled and consummate art--then -at last the spindle stops whirling and thundering -in the cavity, and you know that the grand -surprise is imminent, now--is hanging in the very -air. You can hear your heart beat as the dentist -bends over you with his grip on the spindle and his -voice diminished to a murmur. The suspense grows -bigger--bigger--bigger--your breath stops--then -your heart. Then with lightning suddenness the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_163'>163</span>“nub” is sprung and the spindle drives into the raw -nerve! The most brilliant surprises of the stage are -pale and artificial compared with this.</p> - -<p class='c001'>It is believed by people generally--or at least by -many--that the exquisitely sharp sensation which -results from plunging the steel point into the raw -nerve is pain, but I think that this is doubtful. It -is so vivid and sudden that one has no time to -examine properly into its character. It is probably -impossible, with our human limitations, to determine -with certainty whether a sensation of so high and -perfect an order as that is pain or whether it is -pleasure. Its location brings it under the disadvantage -of a common prejudice; and so men mistake -it for pain when they might perceive that it is the -opposite of that if it were anywhere but in a tooth. -I may be in error, but I have experimented with -it a great deal and I am satisfied in my own mind that -it is not pain. It is true that it always feels like -pain, but that proves nothing--ice against a naked -back always passes for fire. I have every confidence -that I can eventually prove to everyone’s satisfaction -that a nerve-stab produces pleasure; and -not only that, but the most exquisite pleasure, the -most perfect felicity which we are capable of feeling. -I would not ask more than to be remembered hereafter -as the man who conferred this priceless benefaction -upon his race.</p> - -<p class='c001'>11.30.--Approaching the Falls of the Rhône. -Canal to the left, walled with compact and beautiful -masonry. It is a cut-off. We could pass through it -and avoid the Falls--are advised by the Admiral to -<span class='pageno' id='Page_164'>164</span>do it, but all decline, preferring to have a dangerous -adventure to talk about.</p> - -<p class='c001'>However....</p> - -<p class='c001'>The truth is, the current began to grow ominously -swift--and presently pretty lumpy and perturbed; -soon we seemed to be simply flying past the shores. -Then all of a sudden three hundred yards of boiling -and tossing river burst upon our sight through the -veiling tempest of rain! I did not see how our flimsy -ark could live through such a place. If we were -wrecked, swimming could not save us; the packed -multitude of tall humps of water meant a bristling -chaos of big rocks underneath, and the first rock we -hit would break our bones. If I had been fortified -with ignorance I might have wanted to stay in the -boat and see the fun; but I have had much professional -familiarity with water, and I doubted if there -was going to be any fun there. So I said I would -get out and walk, and I did. I need not tell anybody -at home; I could leave out the Falls of the -Rhône; they are not on the map, anyhow. If an -adventure worth recording resulted, the Admiral and -the courier would have it, and that would answer. I -could see it from the bank--nothing could be better; -it seemed even providential.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I ran along the bank in the driving rain, and enjoyed -the sight to the full. I never saw a finer show -than the passage of that boat was, through the fierce -turmoil of water. Alternately she rose high and -plunged deep, throwing up sheets of foaming spray -and shaking them off like a mane. Several times she -seemed to fairly bury herself, and I thought she -<span class='pageno' id='Page_165'>165</span>was gone for good, but always she sprang high aloft the -next moment, a gallant and stirring spectacle to see. -The Admiral’s steering was great. I had not seen -the equal of it before.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The boat waited for me down at the Villebois -bridge, and I presently caught up and went aboard. -There was a stretch of a hundred yards of offensively -rough water below the bridge, but it had no dangerous -features about it. Still, I was obliged to claim -that it had, and that these perils were much greater -than the others.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Noon.--A mile of perpendicular precipices--very -handsome. On the left, at the termination of this -stately wall, a darling little old tree-grown ruin -abreast a wooded islet with a large white mansion -on it. Near that ruin nature has gotten up a clever -counterfeit of one, tree-grown and all that, and, -as its most telling feature, has furnished it a battered -monolith that stands up out of the underbrush by -itself and looks as if men had shaped it and put it -there and time had gnawed it and worn it.</p> - -<p class='c001'>This is the prettiest piece of river we have found. -All its aspects are dainty and gracious and alluring.</p> - -<p class='c001'>1 <span class='fss'>P.M.</span>--Château de la Salette. This is the port -of the Grotte de la Balme, “one of the seven wonders -of Dauphiny.” It is across a plain in the face of a -bluff a mile from the river. A grotto is out of the -common order, and I should have liked to see this -one, but the rains have made the mud very deep -and it did not seem well to venture so long a trip -through it.</p> - -<p class='c001'>2.15 <span class='fss'>P.M.</span>--St.-Etienne. On a distant ridge inland -<span class='pageno' id='Page_166'>166</span>a tall openwork structure commandingly situated, -with a statue of the Virgin standing on it.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Immense empty freight barges being towed upstream -by teams of two and four big horses--not on -the bank, but under it; not on the land, but always -in the water--sometimes breast deep--and around -the big flat bars.</p> - -<p class='c001'>We reached a not very promising-looking village -about four o’clock, and concluded to land; munching -fruit and filling the hood with pipe smoke had grown -monotonous. We could not have the hood furled, -because the floods of rain fell unceasingly. The -tavern was on the river bank, as is the custom. It -was dull there, and melancholy--nothing to do but -look out of the window into the drenching rain and -shiver; one could do that, for it was bleak and cold -and windy, and there was no fire. Winter overcoats -were not sufficient; they had to be supplemented -with rugs. The raindrops were so large and struck -the river with such force that they knocked up the -water like pebble splashes.</p> - -<p class='c001'>With the exception of a very occasional wooden-shod -peasant, nobody was abroad in this bitter -weather--I mean of our sex. But all weathers are -alike to the women in these continental countries. -To them and the other animals life is serious; -nothing interrupts their slavery. Three of them -were washing clothes in the river under the window -when we arrived, and they continued at it as long -as there was light to work by. One was apparently -thirty; another--the mother?--above fifty; the -third--grandmother?--so old and worn and gray -<span class='pageno' id='Page_167'>167</span>she could have passed for eighty. They had no -waterproofs or rubbers, of course; over their heads -and shoulders they wore gunny sacks--simply conductors -for rivers of water; some of the volume -reached ground, the rest soaked in on the way.</p> - -<p class='c001'>At last a vigorous fellow of thirty-five arrived, -dry and comfortable, smoking his pipe under his big -umbrella in an open donkey cart--husband, son, and -grandson of those women? He stood up in the cart, -sheltering himself, and began to superintend, issuing -his orders in a masterly tone of command, and showing -temper when they were not obeyed swiftly -enough. Without complaint or murmur the drowned -women patiently carried out the orders, lifting the -immense baskets of soaked clothing into the cart and -stowing them to the man’s satisfaction. The cart -being full now, he descended, with his umbrella, -entered the tavern, and the women went drooping -homeward in the wake of the cart, and soon were -blended with the deluge and lost to sight. We -would tar and feather that fellow in America, and -ride him on a rail.</p> - -<p class='c001'>When we came down into the public room he had -his bottle of wine and plate of food on a bare table -black with grease, and was chomping like a horse. -He had the little religious paper which is in everybody’s -hands on the Rhône borders, and was enlightening -himself with the histories of French saints -who used to flee to the desert in the Middle Ages to -escape the contamination of women.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Wednesday.--After breakfast, got under way. -Still storming as hard as ever. The whole land looks -<span class='pageno' id='Page_168'>168</span>defeated and discouraged. And very lonely; here -and there a woman in the fields. They merely accent -the loneliness.</p> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'><span class='sc'>Note.</span>--The record ends here. Luxurious enjoyment of the -excursion rendered the traveler indifferent to his notes. The drift -continued to Arles, whence Mark Twain returned to Geneva and -Ouchy by rail. Ten years later he set down another picture of this -happy journey--“The Lost Napoleon”--which follows.--A. B. P.</p> - -</div> - -<hr class='c024' /> -<div class='footnote' id='f3'> -<p class='c001'><a href='#r3'>3</a>. Of Hartford, Connecticut.</p> -</div> -<div class='footnote' id='f4'> -<p class='c001'><a href='#r4'>4</a>. <i>Note, 1904.</i> Hopkinson Smith, now a distinguished man in -literature, art, and architecture. S. L. C.</p> -</div> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_169'>169</span> - <h2 class='c007'>THE LOST NAPOLEON</h2> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_2_0_4 c014'>The lost Napoleon is a part of a mountain range. -Several miles of it--say six. When you stand -at the right viewpoint and look across the plain, -there, miles away, stretched out on his back under -the sky, you see the great Napoleon, sleeping, with -his arm folded upon his breast. You recognize him -at once and you catch your breath and a thrill goes -through you from head to foot--a most natural thing -to happen, for you have never been so superbly -astonished in your life before, and you realize, if -you live a century, it is not likely that you will ever -encounter the like of that tremendous surprise again. -You see, it is unique. You have seen mountain -ridges before that looked like men lying down, but -there was always some one to pilot you to the right -viewpoint, and prepare you for the show, and then -tell you which is the head and which the feet and -which the stomach, and at last you get the idea and -say, “Yes, now I see it, now I make it out--it is a -man, and wonderful, too.” But all this has damaged -the surprise and there is not much thrill; moreover, -the man is only a third-rate celebrity or no celebrity -at all--he is no Napoleon the Great. But I discovered -this stupendous Napoleon myself and was -caught wholly by surprise, hence the splendid -emotion, the uplifting astonishment.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_170'>170</span>We have all seen mountains that looked like -whales, elephants, recumbent lions--correctly figured, -too, and a pleasure to look upon--but we did -not discover them, somebody pointed them out to -us, and in the same circumstances we have seen and -enjoyed stately crags and summits known to the -people thereabouts as “The Old Man’s Head,” -“The Elephant’s Head,” “Anthony’s Nose,” “The -Lady’s Head,” etc., and we have seen others that -were named “Shakespeare’s Head,” and “Satan’s -Head,” but still the fine element of surprise was in -almost all cases wanting.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The Lost Napoleon is easily the most colossal and -impressive statue in the world. It is several miles -long; in form and proportions it is perfect. It -represents Napoleon himself and not another; and -there is something about the dignity and repose of -the great figure that stirs the imagination and half -persuades it that this is not an unsentient artifice of -nature, but the master of the world sentient and -dreaming--dreaming of battle, conquest, empire. I -call it the Lost Napoleon because I cannot remember -just where I was when I saw it. My hope, in writing -this, is that I may move some wandering tourist or -artist to go over my track and seek for it--seek for -it, find it, locate it exactly, describe it, paint it, and -so preserve it against loss again.</p> - -<p class='c001'>My track was down the Rhône; I made the excursion -ten or eleven years ago in the pleasantest -season of the year. I took a courier with me and -went from Geneva a couple of hours by rail to the blue -little Lake Bourget, and spent the night in a mediæval -<span class='pageno' id='Page_171'>171</span>castle on an island in that little lake. In the early -morning our boat came for us. It was a roomy open -boat fifteen or twenty feet long, with a single pair of -long oars, and with it came its former owner, a -sturdy big boatman. The boat was mine now; I -think I paid five dollars for it. I was to pay the boatman -a trifling daily wage and his keep, and he was to -take us all the way down the Rhône to Marseilles. -It was warm weather and very sunny, but we built a -canvas arch, like a wagon cover, over the aftermost -third of the boat, with a curtain at its rear which -could be rolled up to let the breeze blow through, -and I occupied that tent and was always comfortable. -The sailor sat amidships and manned the oars, -and the courier had the front third of the boat to -himself. We crossed the lake and went winding down -a narrow canal bordered by peasant houses and vineyards, -and after about a league of this navigation we -came in sight of the Rhône, a troubled gray stream -which went tearing past the mouth of the peaceful -canal at a racing gait. We emerged into it and laid -in the oars. We could go fast enough in that current -without artificial aid. During the first days we -slipped along down the curving bends at a speed of -about five miles an hour, but it slackened later.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Our days were all about alike. About four in the -afternoon we tied up at a village and I dined on the -greensward in front of the inn by the water’s edge, -on the choicest chickens, vegetables, fruit, butter, -and bread, prepared in French perfection and -served upon the whitest linen; and as a rule I had -the friendly house cat and dog for guests and company -<span class='pageno' id='Page_172'>172</span>and willing and able helpers. I slept in the -inn; often in clean and satisfactory quarters, sometimes -in the same room with the cows and the fleas. -I breakfasted on the lawn in the morning with cat -and dog again; then laid in a stock of grapes and -other fruits gathered fresh from the garden and some -bottles of red wine made on the premises, and at -eight or nine we went floating down the river again. -At noon we went ashore at a village, bought a -freshly caught fish or two, had them broiled, got -some bread and vegetables, and set sail again at once. -We always lunched on board as we floated along. I -spent my days reading books, making notes, smoking, -and in other lazy and enchanting ways, and -had the delightfulest ten-day voyage I have ever -experienced.</p> - -<p class='c001'>It took us ten days to float to Arles. There the -current gave out and I closed the excursion and returned -to Geneva by rail. It was twenty-eight miles -to Marseilles, and we should have been obliged to -row. That would not have been pleasure; it would -have meant work for the sailor, and I do not like -work even when another person does it.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I think it was about the eighth day that I discovered -Napoleon. My notes cover four or five days; -there they stop; the charm of the trip had taken possession -of me, and I had no energy left. It was -getting toward four in the afternoon--time to tie -up for the day. Down ahead on the right bank I -saw a compact jumble of yellowy-browny cubes -stacked together, some on top of the others, and no -visible cracks in the mass, and knew it for a village--a -<span class='pageno' id='Page_173'>173</span>village common to that region down there; a -village jammed together without streets or alleys, -substantially--where your progress is mainly <em>through</em> -the houses, not <em>by</em> them, and where privacy is a -thing practically unknown; a village which probably -hadn’t had a house added to the jumble for five -hundred years. We were anywhere from half a mile -to a mile above the village when I gave the order -to proceed to that place and tie up. Just then I -glanced to my left toward the distant mountain -range, and got that soul-stirring shock which I have -said so much about. I pointed out the grand figure -to the courier, and said:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Name it. Who is it?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Napoleon!”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Yes, it is Napoleon. Show it to the sailor and -ask him to name it.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>The sailor said, “Napoleon.” We watched the -figure all the time then until we reached the village. -We walked up the river bank in the morning to see -how far one might have to go before the shape would -materially change, but I do not now remember the -result. We watched it afterward as we floated away -from the village, but I cannot remember at what point -the shape began to be marred. However, the -mountains being some miles away, I think that the -figure would be recognizable as Napoleon along a -stretch of as much as a mile above and a mile below -the village, though I think that the likeness would -be strongest at the point where I first saw it--that -is, half a mile or more above the village.</p> - -<p class='c001'>We talked the grand apparition over at great length -<span class='pageno' id='Page_174'>174</span>and with a strong interest. I said I believed that -if its presence were known to the world such shoals of -tourists would come flocking there to see it that all -the spare ground would soon be covered with hotels; -and I think so yet. I think it would soon be the most -celebrated natural curiosity on the planet, that it -would be more visited than Niagara or the Alps, and -that all the other famous natural curiosities of the -globe would fall to a rank away below it. I think so -still.</p> - -<p class='c001'>There is a line of lumbering and thundering great -freight steamers on the Rhône, and I think that if -some man will board one of them at Arles and make -a trip of some hours upstream--say from three to -six--and keep an eye out to the right and watch that -mountain range he will be certain to find the Lost -Napoleon and have no difficulty in rediscovering the -mighty statue when he comes to the right point. -It will cost nothing to make the experiment, and I -hope it will be done.</p> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'><span class='sc'>Note.</span>--Mark Twain’s biographer rediscovered it in 1913. It is -some miles below Valence, opposite the village of Beauchastel.</p> - -</div> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_175'>175</span> - <h2 class='c007'>SOME NATIONAL STUPIDITIES <br /> <span class='small'>(1891-1892)</span></h2> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_2_0_4 c014'>The slowness of one section of the world about -adopting the valuable ideas of another section -of it is a curious thing and unaccountable. This -form of stupidity is confined to no community, to no -nation; it is universal. The fact is the human race -is not only slow about borrowing valuable ideas--it -sometimes persists in not borrowing them at all.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Take the German stove, for instance--the huge -white porcelain monument that towers toward the -ceiling in the corner of the room, solemn, unsympathetic, -and suggestive of death and the grave--where -can you find it outside of the German countries? -I am sure I have never seen it where German -was not the language of the region. Yet it is by long -odds the best stove and the most convenient and -economical that has yet been invented.<a id='r5' /><a href='#f5' class='c022'><sup>[5]</sup></a></p> - -<p class='c001'>To the uninstructed stranger it promises nothing; -but he will soon find that it is a masterly performer, -for all that. It has a little bit of a door which you -couldn’t get your head into--a door which seems -foolishly out of proportion to the rest of the edifice; -yet the door is right, for it is not necessary that bulky -fuel shall enter it. Small-sized fuel is used, and marvelously -<span class='pageno' id='Page_176'>176</span>little of that. The door opens into a tiny -cavern which would not hold more fuel than a baby -could fetch in its arms. The process of firing is quick -and simple. At half past seven on a cold morning -the servant brings a small basketful of slender pine -sticks--say a modified armful--and puts half of -these in, lights them with a match, and closes the -door. They burn out in ten or twelve minutes. He -then puts in the rest and <em>locks</em> the door, and carries -off the key. The work is done. He will not come -again until next morning. All day long and until -past midnight all parts of the room will be delightfully -warm and comfortable, and there will be no -headaches and no sense of closeness or oppression. -In an American room, whether heated by steam, -hot water, or open fires, the neighborhood of the -register or the fireplace is warmest--the heat is not -equally diffused through the room; but in a German -room one is as comfortable in one part of it as in -another. Nothing is gained or lost by being near the -stove. Its surface is not hot; you can put your -hand on it anywhere and not get burnt. Consider -these things. One firing is enough for the day; the -cost is next to nothing; the heat produced is the -same all day, instead of too hot and too cold by -turns; one may absorb himself in his business in -peace; he does not need to feel any anxieties or -solicitudes about his fire; his whole day is a realized -dream of bodily comfort.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The German stove is not restricted to wood; peat -is used in it, and coal bricks also. These coal bricks -are made of waste coal dust pressed in a mold. In -<span class='pageno' id='Page_177'>177</span>effect they are dirt and in fact are dirt cheap. The -brick is about as big as your two fists; the stove will -burn up twenty of them in half an hour, then it will -need no more fuel for that day.</p> - -<p class='c001'>This noble stove is at its very best when its front -has a big square opening in it for a <em>visible</em> wood fire. -The real heating is done in the hidden regions of the -great structure, of course--the open fire is merely -to rejoice your eye and gladden your heart.</p> - -<p class='c001'>America could adopt this stove, but does America -do it? No, she sticks placidly to her own fearful and -wonderful inventions in the stove line. She has fifty -kinds, and not a rational one in the lot. The American -wood stove, of whatsoever breed, is a terror. -There can be no tranquillity of mind where it is. It -requires more attention than a baby. It has to be -fed every little while, it has to be watched all the -time; and for all reward you are roasted half your -time and frozen the other half. It warms no part of -the room but its own part; it breeds headaches and -suffocation, and makes one’s skin feel dry and -feverish; and when your wood bill comes in you -think you have been supporting a volcano.</p> - -<p class='c001'>We have in America many and many a breed of -coal stoves, also--fiendish things, everyone of them. -The base-burner sort are handy and require but -little attention; but none of them, of whatsoever -kind, distributes its heat uniformly through the -room, or keeps it at an unvarying temperature, or -fails to take the life out of the atmosphere and leave -it stuffy and smothery and stupefying.</p> - -<p class='c001'>It seems to me that the ideal of comfort would be -<span class='pageno' id='Page_178'>178</span>a German stove to heat one’s room, and an open -wood fire to make it cheerful; then have furnace-heat -in the halls. We could easily find some way -to make the German stove beautiful, and that is all -it needs at present. Still, even as it is to-day, it is -lovely, it is a darling, compared with any “radiator” -that has yet been intruded upon the world. That -odious gilded skeleton! It makes all places ugly that -it inhabits--just by contagion.</p> - -<p class='c001'>It is certainly strange that useful customs and -devices do not spread from country to country with -more facility and promptness than they do. You -step across the German border almost anywhere, and -suddenly the German stove has disappeared. In -Italy you find a foolish and ineffectual modification -of it, in Paris you find an unprepossessing “adaptation” -of our base-burner on a reduced pattern.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Fifteen years ago Paris had a cheap and cunning -little fire kindler consisting of a pine shaving, curled -as it came from the carpenter’s plane, and gummed -over with an inflammable substance which would -burn several minutes and set fire to the most obdurate -wood. It was cheap and handy, but no -stranger carried the idea home with him. Paris has -another swift and victorious kindler, now, in the -form of a small black cake made of I don’t know -what; but you shove it under the wood and touch a -match to it and your fire is made. No one will think -to carry that device to America, or elsewhere. In -America we prefer to kindle the fire with the kerosene -can and chance the inquest. I have been in a -multitude of places where pine cones were abundant, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_179'>179</span>but only in the French Riviera and in one place in -Italy have I seen them in the wood box to kindle the -fires with.</p> - -<p class='c001'>For perfect adaptation to the service required, -look at the American gum shoe and the American -arctic. Their virtues ought to have carried them to -all wet and snowy lands; but they haven’t done anything -of the kind. There are few places on the continent -of Europe where one can buy them.</p> - -<p class='c001'>And observe how slowly our typewriting machine -makes its way. In the great city of Florence I was -able to find only one place where I could get typewriting -done; and then it was not done by a native, -but by an American girl. In the great city of Munich -I found one typewriting establishment, but the -operator was sick and that suspended the business. -I was told that there was no opposition house. In -the prodigious city of Berlin I was not able to find -a typewriter at all. There was not even one in our -Embassy or its branches. Our representative there -sent to London for the best one to be had in that -capital, and got an incapable, who would have been -tarred and feathered in Mud Springs, Arizona. Four -years ago a typewritten page was a seldom sight in -Europe, and when you saw it it made you heartsick, -it was so inartistic, and so blurred and shabby -and slovenly. It was because the Europeans made -the machines themselves, and the making of nice -machinery is not one of their gifts. England imports -ours, now. This is wise; she will have her -reward.</p> - -<p class='c001'>In all these years the American fountain pen has -<span class='pageno' id='Page_180'>180</span>hardly got a start in Europe. There is no market -for it. It is too handy, too inspiring, too capable, -too much of a time saver. The dismal steel pen and -the compass-jawed quill are preferred. And semi-liquid -mud is preferred to ink, apparently, everywhere -in Europe. This in face of the fact that there -is ink to be had in America--and at club rates, too.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Then there is the elevator, lift, <span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr"><i>ascenseur</i></span>. America -has had the benefit of this invaluable contrivance for -a generation and a half, and it is now used in all our -cities and villages, in all hotels, in all lofty business -buildings and factories, and in many private dwellings. -But we can’t spread it, we can’t beguile -Europe with it. In Europe an elevator is even to -this day a rarity and a curiosity. Especially a curiosity. -As a rule it seats but three or four persons--often -only two--and it travels so slowly and cautiously -and timorously and piously and solemnly -that it makes a person feel creepy and crawly and -scary and dismal and repentant. Anybody with -sound legs can give the continental elevator two -flights the start and beat it to the sixth floor. Every -time these nations merely import an American idea, -instead of importing the concreted thing itself, the -result is a failure. They tried to make the sewing -machine, and couldn’t; they are trying to make -fountain pens and typewriters and can’t; they are -making these dreary elevators, now--and patenting -them! Satire can no further go.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I think that as a rule we develop a borrowed -European idea forward, and that Europe develops -a borrowed American idea backward. We borrowed -<span class='pageno' id='Page_181'>181</span>gas lighting and the railroad from England, and the -arc light from France, and these things have improved -under our culture. We have lent Europe our -tramway, telegraph, sewing machine, phonograph, -telephone, and kodak, and while we may not claim -that in these particular instances she has developed -them backward, we are justified in claiming that -she has added no notable improvements to them. -We have added the improvements ourselves and -she has accepted them. Why she has not accepted -and universally adopted the improved elevator is a -surprising and puzzling thing. Its rightful place is -among the great ideas of our great age. It is an -epoch maker. It is a concentrator of population, -and economizer of room. It is going to build our -cities skyward instead of out toward the horizons.<a id='r6' /><a href='#f6' class='c022'><sup>[6]</sup></a> -It is going to enable five millions of people to live -comfortably on the same ground space that one -million uncomfortably lives on now. It is going to -make cheap quarters for Tom, Dick, and Harry near -their work, in place of three miles from it, as is the -rule to-day. It is going to save them the necessity of -adding a six-flight climb to the already sufficient -fatigue of their day’s labor.</p> - -<p class='c001'>We imitate some of the good things which we find -in Europe, and we ought to imitate more of them. -At the same time Europe ought to imitate us somewhat -more than she does. The crusty, ill-mannered -and in every way detestable Parisian cabman ought -to imitate our courteous and friendly Boston cabman--and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_182'>182</span>stop there. He can’t learn anything from -the guild in New York. And it would morally help -the Parisian shopkeeper if he would imitate the fair -dealing of his American cousin. With us it is not -necessary to ask the price of small articles before we -buy them, but in Paris the person who fails to take -that precaution will get scorched. In business we -are prompt, fair, and trustworthy in all our small -trade matters. It is the rule. In the friendliest spirit -I would recommend France to imitate these humble -virtues. Particularly in the kodak business. Pray -get no kodak pictures developed in France--and -especially in Nice. They will send you your bill to -Rome or Jericho, or whithersoever you have gone, -but that is all you will get. You will never see your -negatives again, or the developed pictures, either. -And by and by the head house in Paris will demand -payment once more, and constructively threaten -you with “proceedings.” If you inquire if they -mailed your package across the frontier without -registering it, they are coldly silent. If you inquire -how they expected to trace and recover a lost package -without a post-office receipt, they are dumb -again. A little intelligence inserted into the kodak -business in those regions would be helpful, if it could -be done without shock.</p> - -<p class='c001'>But the worst of all is, that Europe cannot be -persuaded to imitate our railway methods. Two or -three years ago I liked the European methods, but -experience has dislodged that superstition. All over -the Continent the system--to call it by an extravagant -term--is sufficiently poor and slow and clumsy, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_183'>183</span>or unintelligent; but in these regards Italy and France -are entitled to the chromo. In Italy it takes more -than half an hour to buy a through ticket to Paris -at Cook & Sons’ offices, there is such a formidable -amount of red tape and recording connected with the -vast transaction. Every little detail of the matter -must be written down in a set of books--your -name, condition, nationality, religion, date, hour, -number of the train, and all that; and at last you -get your ticket and think you are done, but you are -not; it must be carried to the station and stamped; -and even that is not the end, for if you stop over at -any point it must be stamped again or it is forfeited. -And yet you save time and trouble by going to Cook -instead of to the station. Buying your ticket does -not finish your job. Your trunks must be weighed, -and paid for at about human-being rates. This takes -another quarter of an hour of your time--perhaps -half an hour if you are at the tail of the procession. -You get paper checks, which are twice as easy to -lose as brass ones. You cannot secure a seat beforehand, -but must take your chances with the -general rush to the train. If you have your family -with you, you may have to distribute them among -several cars. There is one annoying feature which is -common all over the Continent, and that is, that if -you want to make a short journey you cannot buy -your ticket whenever you find the ticket office open, -but must wait until it is doing business for your -particular train; and that only begins, as a rule, a -quarter of an hour before the train’s time of starting. -The cars are most ingeniously inconvenient, cramped, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_184'>184</span>and uncomfortable, and in Italy they are phenomenally -dirty. The European “system” was devised -either by a maniac or by a person whose idea was to -hamper, bother, and exasperate the traveler in all conceivable -ways and sedulously and painstakingly discourage -custom. In Italy, as far as my experience -goes, it is the custom to use the sleeping cars on the -day trains and take them off when the sun goes down. -One thing is sure, anyway: if that is not the case, it -will be, presently, when they think of it. They can -be depended upon to snap up as darling an idea as -that with joy.</p> - -<p class='c001'>No, we are bad enough about not importing valuable -European ideas, but Europe is still slower about -introducing ours. Europe has always--from away -back--been neglectful in this regard. Take our -admirable postal and express system, for instance. -We had it perfectly developed and running smoothly -and beautifully more than three hundred years ago; -and Europe came over and admired it and eloquently -praised it--but didn’t adopt it. We Americans.... -But let Prescott tell about it. I quote from the -<cite>Conquest of Peru</cite>, chapter 2, vol. 1:</p> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'>As the distance each courier had to perform was small, they -ran over the ground with great swiftness, and messages were -carried through the whole extent of the long routes at the rate -of a hundred and fifty miles a day. Their office was not limited -to carrying dispatches. They brought various articles. Fish -from the distant ocean, fruits, game, and different commodities -from the hot regions of the coast were taken to the capital in -good condition. It is remarkable that this important institution -should have been found among two barbarian nations of -the New World long before it was introduced among the civilized -nations of Europe. By these wise contrivances of the Incas, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_185'>185</span>the most distant parts of the long-extended empire of Peru -were brought into intimate relations with each other. And -while the capitals of Christendom, but a few hundred miles -apart, remained as far asunder as if seas had rolled between -them, the great capitals Cuzco and Quito were placed in immediate -correspondence. Intelligence from the numerous provinces -was transmitted on the wings of the wind to the Peruvian -metropolis, the great focus to which all the lines of communication -converged.</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>There--that is what we had, three hundred and -twenty-five years before Europe had anything that -could be called a businesslike and effective postal -and express service. We are a great people. We -have always been a great people, from the start: -always alive, alert, up early in the morning, and ready -to teach. But Europe has been a slow and discouraging -pupil from the start; always, from the very -start. It seems to me that something ought to be -done about this.</p> - -<hr class='c024' /> -<div class='footnote' id='f5'> -<p class='c001'><a href='#r5'>5</a>. Compare with his remarks on the same subject, in “Marienbad--A -Health Factory,” written about a year earlier.</p> -</div> -<div class='footnote' id='f6'> -<p class='c001'><a href='#r6'>6</a>. This was good prophecy. There were no skyscrapers in New -York City when it was written.</p> -</div> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_186'>186</span> - <h2 class='c007'>THE CHOLERA EPIDEMIC IN HAMBURG <br /> <span class='small'>(1892)</span></h2> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_0_0_4 c014'>I believe I have never been so badly situated -before as I have been during these last four weeks. -To begin with, the time-hallowed and business-worn -thunderbolt out of the clear sky fell about the -18th of August--people in Hamburg dying like flies -of something resembling cholera! A normal death -rate of forty a day suddenly transformed into a -terrific daily slaughter without notice to anybody -to prepare for such a surprise! Certainly that was -recognizable as that kind of a thunderbolt.</p> - -<p class='c001'>It was at this point that the oddity of the situation -above referred to began. For you will grant that it -is odd to live four weeks a twelve-hour journey from -a devastating plague nest and remain baffled and -defeated all that time in all your efforts to get at the -state of the case there. Naturally one flies to the -newspapers when a pestilence breaks out in his -neighborhood. He feels sure of one thing, at any -rate: that the paper will cast all other interests into -the background and devote itself to the one supreme -interest of the day; that it will throw wide its -columns and cram them with information, valuable -and otherwise, concerning that great event; and that -it will even leave out the idle jaunts of little dukes and -kinglets to make room for the latest plague item. I -<span class='pageno' id='Page_187'>187</span>sought the newspapers, and was disappointed. I -know now that nothing that can happen in this -world can stir the German daily journal out of its -eternal lethargy. When the Last Day comes it will -note the destruction of the world in a three-line -paragraph and turn over and go to sleep again.</p> - -<p class='c001'>This sort of journalism furnishes plenty of wonders. -I have seen ostensible telegrams from Hamburg four -days old, gravely put forth as news, and no apology -offered. I have tracked a news item from one paper -to another day after day until it died of old age and -fatigue--and yet everybody treated it with respect, -nobody laughed. Is it believable that these antiquities -are forwarded by telegraph? It would be -more rational to send them by slow freight, because -less expensive and more speedy.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Then, the meagerness of the news meal is another -marvel. That department of the paper is not headed -“Poverty Column,” nobody knows why. We know -that multitudes of people are being swept away daily -in Hamburg, yet the daily telegrams from there could -be copied on a half page of note paper, as a rule. If -any newspaper has sent a special reporter thither -he has not arrived yet.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The final miracle of all is the character of this daily -dribble of so-called news. The wisest man in the -world can get no information out of it. It is an Irish -stew made up of unrelated odds and ends, a mere -chaotic confusion and worthless. What can one -make out of statistics like these:</p> - -<p class='c001'>Up to noon, 655 cases, 333 deaths. Of these 189 -were previously reported.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_188'>188</span>The report that 650 bodies are lying unburied is -not true. There are only 340, and the most of these -will be buried to-night.</p> - -<p class='c001'>There are 2,062 cases in the hospitals, 215 deaths.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The figures are never given in such a way as to -afford one an opportunity to compare the death list -of one day with that of another; consequently there -is no way of finding out whether the pest abates or -increases. Sometimes a report uses the expression -“to-day” and does not say when the day began or -ended; sometimes the deaths for several days are -bunched together in a divisionless lump; sometimes -the figures make you think the deaths are five or six -hundred a day, while other figures in the same paragraph -seem to indicate that the rate is below two -hundred.</p> - -<p class='c001'>A day or two ago the word cholera was not discoverable -at all in that day’s issue of one of our -principal dailies; in to-day’s issue of the same paper -there is no cholera report from Hamburg. Yet a -private letter from there says the raging pestilence -is actually increasing.</p> - -<p class='c001'>One might imagine that the papers are forbidden -to publish cholera news. I had that impression myself. -It seemed the only explanation of the absence -of special Hamburg correspondence. But it appears -now, that the Hamburg papers are crammed with -matter pertaining to the cholera, therefore that idea -was an error. How does one find this out? In this -amazing way: that a daily newspaper located ten or -twelve hours from Hamburg describes with owl-eyed -wonder the stirring contents of a Hamburg daily -<span class='pageno' id='Page_189'>189</span>journal <em>six days old</em>, and yet gets from it the only -informing matter, the only matter worth reading, -which it has yet published from that smitten city -concerning the pestilence.</p> - -<p class='c001'>You see, it did not even occur to that petrified -editor to bail his columns dry of their customary -chloroform and copy that Hamburg journal entire. -He is so used to shoveling gravel that he doesn’t -know a diamond when he sees it. I would trust that -man with untold bushels of precious news, and nobody -to watch him. Among other things which he -notes in the Hamburg paper is the fact that its -supplements contained one hundred of the customary -elaborate and formal German death notices. That -means--what nobody has had reason to suppose -before--that the slaughter is not confined to the poor -and friendless. I think so, because that sort of death -notice occupies a formidable amount of space in an -advertising page, and must cost a good deal of money.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I wander from my proper subject to observe that -one hundred of these notices in a single journal must -make that journal a sorrow to the eye and a shock to -the taste, even among the Germans themselves, who -are bred to endure and perhaps enjoy a style of “display -ads” which far surpasses even the vilest American -attempts, for insane and outrageous ugliness. -Sometimes a death notice is as large as a foolscap -page, has big black display lines, and is bordered -all around with a coarse mourning border as thick -as your finger. The notices are of all sizes from -foolscap down to a humble two-inch square, and -they suggest lamentation of all degrees, from the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_190'>190</span>hundred-dollar hurricane of grief to the two-shilling -sigh of a composed and modest regret. A newspaper -page blocked out with mourning compartments of -fifty different sizes flung together without regard -to order or system or size must be a spectacle to see.</p> - -<div class='fatborder'> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div><span class='xlarge'>Todes-Anzeige.</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<hr class='c006' /> - -<p class='c001'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Theilnehmenden Freunden und Bekannten hierdurch -die schmerzliche Nachricht, daß mein lieber -Freund und langjähriger, treuer Mitarbeiter</span></p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div><span class='xlarge'>Rudolf Beck</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c021'><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">gestern Abend an einem Herzschlag plötzlich verschieden -ist.</span></p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div><span lang="de" xml:lang="de"><span class='large'><b>Langen</b></span>, den 5. September 1892.</span></div> - <div class='c000'><span class='xlarge'>Otto Steingoetter</span></div> - <div class='c000'>Firma <b>Beck & Steingoetter</b>.</div> - <div class='c000'>Die Beerdigung findet Dienstag, den 6. Sept.,</div> - <div>Nachmittags 3½ Uhr, statt.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='c015'>25958</div> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>The notice copied above is modest and straightforward. -The advertiser informs sympathizing -friends and acquaintances that his dear friend and -old and faithful fellow laborer has been suddenly -smitten with death; then signs his name and adds -“of the firm of Beck & Steingoetter,” which is -perhaps another way of saying that the business -will be continued as usual at the old stand. The -<span class='pageno' id='Page_191'>191</span>average notice is often refreshed with a whiff of -business at the end.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The 100 formal notices in the Hamburg paper did -not mean merely 100 deaths; each told of one death, -but many of them told of more--in some cases they -told of four and five. In the same issue there were -132 one-line death notices. If the dates of these -deaths were all stated, the 232 notices together could -be made the basis of a better guess at the current -mortality in Hamburg than the “official” reports -furnished, perhaps. You would know that a certain -number died on a certain day who left behind them -people able to publish the fact and pay for it. Then -you could correctly assume that the vast bulk of -that day’s harvest were people who were penniless -and left penniless friends behind. You could add your -facts to your assumption and get <em>some</em> sort of idea of -the death rate, and this would be strikingly better than -the official reports, since they give you no idea at all.</p> - -<p class='c001'>To-day a physician was speaking of a private -letter received here yesterday from a physician in -Hamburg which stated that every day numbers of -poor people are snatched from their homes to the -pest houses, and that that is the last that is heard -of a good many of them. No intelligible record is -kept; they die unknown and are buried so. That -no intelligible record is kept seems proven by the -fact that the public cannot get hold of a burial list -for one day that is not made impossible by the record -of the day preceding and the one following it.</p> - -<p class='c001'>What I am trying to make the reader understand -is, the strangeness of the situation here--a mighty -<span class='pageno' id='Page_192'>192</span>tragedy being played upon a stage that is close to -us, and yet we are as ignorant of its details as we -should be if the stage were in China. We sit “in -front,” and the audience is in fact the world; but -the curtain is down and from behind it we hear only -an inarticulate murmur. The Hamburg disaster -must go into history as the disaster without a history. -And yet a well-trained newspaper staff would find a -way to secure an accurate list of the new hospital -cases and the burials daily, and would do it, and -not take it out in complaining of the foolishness and -futility of the official reports. Every day we know exactly -what is going on in the two cholera-stricken ships -in the harbor of New York. That is all the cholera -news we get that is worth printing or believing.</p> - -<p class='c001'>All along we have heard rumors that the force of -workers at Hamburg was too small to cope with the -pestilence; that more help was impossible to get; -and we have seen statements which confirmed these -sorrowful facts; statements which furnished the pitiful -spectacle of brave workers dying at their posts -from exhaustion; of corpses lying in the halls of the -hospitals, waiting there because there was no worker -idle; and now comes another confirmatory item; it is -in the physician’s letter above referred to--an item -which shows you how hard pressed the authorities -are by their colossal burden--an item which gives -you a sudden and terrific sense of the situation there; -for in a line it flashes before you this ghastly picture, -a thing seen by the physician: a wagon going along -the street with five sick people in it, and with them -four corpses!</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_193'>193</span> - <h2 class='c007'>QUEEN VICTORIA’S JUBILEE <br /> <span class='small'>(1897)</span></h2> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_2_0_4 c014'>So far as I can see, a procession has value in but -two ways--as a show and as a symbol; its minor -function being to delight the eye, its major one to -compel thought, exalt the spirit, stir the heart, and -inflame the imagination. As a mere show, and meaningless--like -a Mardi-Gras march--a magnificent -procession is a sight worth a long journey to see; as -a symbol, the most colorless and unpicturesque procession, -if it have a moving history back of it, is -worth a thousand of it.</p> - -<p class='c001'>After the Civil War ten regiments of bronzed New -York veterans marched up Broadway in faded uniforms -and bearing faded battle flags that were mere -shot-riddled rags--and in each battalion as it swung -by, one noted a great gap, an eloquent vacancy where -had marched the comrades who had fallen and would -march no more! Always, as this procession advanced -between the massed multitudes, its approach was -welcomed by each block of people with a burst of -proud and grateful enthusiasm--then the head of it -passed, and suddenly revealed those pathetic gaps, -and silence fell upon that block; for every man in it -had choked up, and could not get command of his -voice and add it to the storm again for many minutes. -That was the most moving and tremendous effect -<span class='pageno' id='Page_194'>194</span>that I have ever witnessed--those affecting silences -falling between those hurricanes of worshiping -enthusiasm.</p> - -<p class='c001'>There was no costumery in that procession, no -color, no tinsel, no brilliancy, yet it was the greatest -spectacle and the most gracious and exalting and -beautiful that has come within my experience. It -was because it had history back of it, and because it -was a symbol, and stood for something, and because -one viewed it with the spiritual vision, not the -physical. There was not much for the physical eye -to see, but it revealed continental areas, limitless -horizons, to the eye of the imagination and the spirit.</p> - -<p class='c001'>A procession, to be valuable, must do one thing or -the other--clothe itself in splendors and charm the -eye, or symbolize something sublime and uplifting, -and so appeal to the imagination. As a mere spectacle -to look at, I suppose that the Queen’s procession -will not be as showy as the Tsar’s late pageant; -it will probably fall much short of the one in Tannhäuser -in the matter of rich and adorable costumery; -in the number of renowned personages on view in it, -it will probably fall short of some that have been -seen in England before this. And yet in its major -function, its symbolic function, I think that if all the -people in it wore their everyday clothes and marched -without flags or music, it would still be incomparably -the most memorable and most important procession -that ever moved through the streets of London.</p> - -<p class='c001'>For it will stand for English history, English -growth, English achievement, the accumulated -power and renown and dignity of twenty centuries -<span class='pageno' id='Page_195'>195</span>of strenuous effort. Many things about it will set -one to reflecting upon what a large feature of this -world England is to-day, and this will in turn move -one, even the least imaginative, to cast a glance down -her long perspective and note the steps of her progress -and the insignificance of her first estate. In this -matter London is itself a suggestive object lesson.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I suppose that London has always existed. One -cannot easily imagine an England that had no London. -No doubt there was a village here 5,000 years -ago. It was on the river somewhere west of where -the Tower is now; it was built of thatched mud huts -close to a couple of limpid brooks, and on every hand -for miles and miles stretched rolling plains of fresh -green grass, and here and there were groups and -groves of trees. The tribes wore skins--sometimes -merely their own, sometimes those of other animals. -The chief was monarch, and helped out his complexion -with blue paint. His industry was the chase; -his relaxation was war. Some of the Englishmen -who will view the procession to-day are carrying his -ancient blood in their veins.</p> - -<p class='c001'>It may be that that village remained about as it -began, away down to the Roman occupation, a couple -of thousand years ago. It was still not much of a -town when Alfred burned the cakes. Even when the -Conqueror first saw it, it did not amount to much. -I think it must have been short of distinguished architecture -or he would not have traveled down into the -country to the village of Westminster to get crowned. -If you skip down 350 years further you will find a -London of some little consequence, but I believe that -<span class='pageno' id='Page_196'>196</span>that is as much as you can say for it. Still, I am -interested in that London, for it saw the first two -processions which will live longer than any other in -English history, I think; the date of the one is 1415, -that of the other is 1897.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The compactly built part of the London of 1415 -was a narrow strip not a mile long, which stretched -east and west through the middle of what is now -called “the City.” The houses were densest in the -region of Cheapside. South of the strip were scattering -residences which stood in turfy lawns which -sloped to the river. North of the strip, fields and -country homes extended to the walls. Let us represent -that London by three checker-board squares -placed in a row; then open out a New York -newspaper like a book, and the space which it covers -will properly represent the London of to-day by comparison. -It is the difference between your hand and -a blanket. It is possible that that ancient London -had 100,000 inhabitants, and that 100,000 outsiders -came to town to see the procession. The present -London contains five or six million inhabitants, and -it has been calculated that the population has jumped -to 10,000,000 to-day.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The pageant of 1415 was to celebrate the gigantic -victory of Agincourt, then and still the most colossal -in England’s history.</p> - -<p class='c001'>From that day to this there has been nothing that -even approached it but Plassey. It was the third -and greatest in the series of monster victories won by -the English over the French in the Hundred Years’ -War--Crecy, Poitiers, Agincourt. At Agincourt, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_197'>197</span>according to history, 15,000 English, under Henry -V, defeated and routed an army of 100,000 French. -Sometimes history makes it 8,000 English and 60,000 -French; but no matter, in both cases the proportions -are preserved. Eight thousand of the French nobility -were slain and the rest of the order taken prisoners--1,500 -in number--among them the Dukes of -Orléans and Bourbon and Marshal Boucicaut; and -the victory left the whole northern half of France an -English possession. This wholesale depletion of the -aristocracy made such a stringent scarcity in its -ranks that when the young peasant girl, Joan of Arc, -came to undo Henry’s mighty work fourteen years -later she could hardly gather together nobles enough -to man her staff.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The battle of Agincourt was fought on the 25th -of October, and a few days later the tremendous -news was percolating through England. Presently -it was sweeping the country like a tidal wave, like a -cyclone, like a conflagration. Choose your own figure, -there is no metaphor known to the language that can -exaggerate the tempest of joy and pride and exultation -that burst everywhere along the progress of that -great news.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The king came home and brought his soldiers with -him--he and they the idols of the nation, now. He -brought his 1,500 captive knights and nobles, too--we -shall not see any such output of blue blood as -that to-day, bond or free. The king rested three -weeks in his palace, the Tower of London, while the -people made preparations and prepared the welcome -due him. On the 22d of December all was ready.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_198'>198</span>There were no cables, no correspondents, no newspapers -then--a regrettable defect, but not irremediable. -A young man who would have been a correspondent -if he had been born 500 years later was -in London at the time, and he remembers the details. -He has communicated them to me through a competent -spirit medium, phrased in a troublesome mixture -of obsolete English and moldy French, and I -have thoroughly modernized his story and put it into -straight English, and will here record it. I will -explain that his Sir John Oldcastle is a person whom -we do not know very well by that name, nor much -care for; but we know him well and adore him, too, -under his other name--Sir John Falstaff. Also, I -will remark that two miles of the Queen’s progress -to-day will be over ground traversed by the procession -of Henry V; all solid bricks and mortar, now, -but open country in Henry’s day, and clothed in that -unapproachable beauty which has been the monopoly -of sylvan England since the creation. Ah, where -now are those long-vanished forms, those unreturning -feet! Let us not inquire too closely. Translated, -this is the narrative of the spirit-correspondent, who -is looking down upon me at this moment from his -high home, and admiring to see how the art and -mystery of spelling has improved since his time!</p> - -<p class='c001'>NARRATIVE OF THE SPIRIT CORRESPONDENT</p> - -<p class='c001'>I was commanded by my lord the Lord Mayor to -make a report for the archives, and was furnished -with a fleet horse, and with a paper permitting me -<span class='pageno' id='Page_199'>199</span>to go anywhere at my will, without let or hindrance, -even up and down the processional route, though no -other person not of the procession itself was allowed -this unique privilege during the whole of the 21st and -the 22d.</p> - -<p class='c001'>On the morning of the 22d, toward noon, I rode -from the Tower into the city, and through it as far -as St. Paul’s. All the way, on both sides, all the windows, -balconies, and roofs were crowded with people, -and wherever there was a vacancy it had been built -up in high tiers of seats covered with red cloth, and -these seats were also filled with people--in all cases -in bright holiday attire--the woman of fashion -barring the view from all in the rear with those tiresome -extinguisher hats, which of late have grown to -be a cloth-yard high. From every balcony depended -silken stuffs of splendid and various colors, and -figured and pictured rich tapestries. It was brisk, -sharp weather, but a rare one for sun, and when one -looked down this swinging double wall of beautiful -fabrics, glowing and flashing and changing color like -prisms in the flooding light, it was a most fair sight -to see. And there were frequent May poles, garlanded -to their tops, and from the tops swung sheaves -of silken long ribbons of all bright colors, which in -the light breeze writhed and twisted and prettily -mingled themselves together.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I rode solitary--in state, as it might be--and was -envied, as I could see, and did not escape comment, -but had a plenty of it; for the conduits were running -gratis wine, and the results were accumulating. I -got many ribald compliments on my riding, on my -<span class='pageno' id='Page_200'>200</span>clothes, on my office. Everybody was happy, so it -was best to seem so myself, which I did--for those -people’s aim was better than their eggs.</p> - -<p class='c001'>A place had been reserved for me on a fine and -fanciful erection in St. Paul’s Churchyard, and there -I waited for the procession. It seemed a long time, -but at last a dull booming sound arose in the distance, -and after a while we saw the banners and the head of -the procession come into view, and heard the muffled -roar of voices that welcomed it. The roar moved -continuously toward us, growing steadily louder and -louder, and stronger and stronger, and with it the -bray and crash of music; and presently it was right -with us, and seemed to roll over us and submerge us, -and stun us, and deafen us--and behold, there was -the hero of Agincourt passing by!</p> - -<p class='c001'>All the multitude was standing up, red-faced, frantic, -bellowing, shouting, the tears running down their -faces; and through the storm of waving hats and -handkerchiefs one glimpsed the battle banners and -the drifting host of marching men as through a -dimming flurry of snow.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The king, tall, slender, handsome, rode with his -visor up, that all might see his face. He was clad in -his silver armor from head to heel, and had his great -two-handed sword at his side, his battle-ax at his -pommel, his shield upon his arm, and about his helmet -waved and tossed a white mass of fluffy plumes. -On either side of him rode the captive dukes, plumed -like himself, but wearing long crimson satin gowns -over their armor; after these came the French marshal -similarly habited; after him followed the fifteen -<span class='pageno' id='Page_201'>201</span>hundred French knights, with robes of various colors -over their armor, and with each two rode two English -knights, sometimes robed in various colors, sometimes -in white with a red cross on the shoulder, these -white-clad ones being Knights Templars. Every man -of the three thousand bore his shield upon his left -arm, newly polished and burnished, and on it was -his device.</p> - -<p class='c001'>As the king passed the church he bowed his head -and lifted his shield, and by one impulse all the -knights did the same; and so as far down the line as -the eye could reach one saw the lifted shields simultaneously -catch the sun, and it was like a sudden -mile-long shaft of flashing light; and, Lord! it lit up -that dappled sea of color with a glory like “the -golden vortex in the west over the foundered sun”! -(The introduction of this quotation is very interesting, -for it shows that our literature of to-day has a circulation -in heaven--pirated editions, no doubt.--M.T.)</p> - -<p class='c001'>The knights were a long time in passing; then -came 5,000 Agincourt men-at-arms, and they were -a long time; and at the very end, last of all, came -that intolerable old tun of sack and godless ruffler, -Sir John Oldcastle (now risen from the dead for the -third time), fat-faced, purple with the spirit of bygone -and lamented drink, smiling his hospitable, wide -smile upon all the world, leering at the women, -wallowing about in his saddle, proclaiming his -valorous deeds as fast as he could lie, taking the -whole glory of Agincourt to his single self, measuring -off the miles of his slain and then multiplying them -by 5, 7, 10, 15, as inspiration after inspiration came -<span class='pageno' id='Page_202'>202</span>to his help--the most inhuman spectacle in England, -a living, breathing outrage, a slander upon the -human race; and after him came, mumming and -blethering, his infamous lieutenants; and after them -his “paladins,” as he calls them, the mangiest lot of -starvelings and cowards that was ever littered, the -disgrace of the noblest pageant that England has -ever seen. God rest their souls in the place appointed -for all such!</p> - -<p class='c001'>There was a moment of prayer at the Temple, the -procession moved down the country road, its way -walled on both sides by welcoming multitudes, and -so, by Charing Cross, and at last to the Abbey for -the great ceremonies. It was a grand day, and will -remain in men’s memories.</p> - -<p class='c011'>That was as much of it as the spirit correspondent -could let me have; he was obliged to stop there -because he had an engagement to sing in the choir, -and was already late.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The contrast between that old England and the -present England is one of the things which will make -the pageant of the present day impressive and -thought-breeding. The contrast between the England -of the Queen’s reign and the England of any previous -British reign is also an impressive thing. British -history is two thousand years old, and yet in a good -many ways the world has moved further ahead since -the Queen was born than it moved in all the rest of -the two thousand put together. A large part of this -progress has been moral, but naturally the material -part of it is the most striking and the easiest to -<span class='pageno' id='Page_203'>203</span>measure. Since the Queen first saw the light she -has seen invented and brought into use (with the -exception of the cotton gin, the spinning frames, and -the steamboat) every one of the myriad of strictly -modern inventions which, by their united powers, -have created the bulk of the modern civilization and -made life under it easy and difficult, convenient and -awkward, happy and horrible, soothing and irritating, -grand and trivial, an indispensable blessing and -an unimaginable curse--she has seen all these -miracles, these wonders, these marvels piled up in -her time, and yet she is but seventy-eight years old. -That is to say, she has seen more things invented than -any other monarch that ever lived; and more than -the oldest old-time English commoner that ever lived, -including Old Parr; and more than Methuselah himself--five -times over.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Some of the details of the moral advancement -which she has seen are also very striking and easily -graspable.</p> - -<p class='c001'>She has seen the English criminal laws prodigiously -modified, and 200 capital crimes swept from the -statute book.</p> - -<p class='c001'>She has seen English liberty greatly broadened--the -governing and lawmaking powers, formerly the -possession of the few, extended to the body of the -people, and purchase in the army abolished.</p> - -<p class='c001'>She has seen the public educator--the newspaper--created, -and its teachings placed within the reach -of the leanest purse. There was nothing properly -describable as a newspaper until long after she was -born.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_204'>204</span>She has seen the world’s literature set free, through -the institution of international copyright.</p> - -<p class='c001'>She has seen America invent arbitration, the eventual -substitute for that enslaver of nations, the standing -army; and she has seen England pay the first -bill under it, and America shirk the second--but -only temporarily; of this we may be sure.</p> - -<p class='c001'>She has seen a Hartford American (Doctor Wells) -apply anæsthetics in surgery for the first time in -history, and for all time banish the terrors of the -surgeon’s knife; and she has seen the rest of the -world ignore the discoverer and a Boston doctor -steal the credit of his work.</p> - -<p class='c001'>She has seen medical science and scientific sanitation -cut down the death rate of civilized cities by -more than half, and she has seen these agencies set -bounds to the European march of the cholera and -imprison the Black Death in its own home.</p> - -<p class='c001'>She has seen woman freed from the oppression of -many burdensome and unjust laws; colleges established -for her; privileged to earn degrees in men’s -colleges--but not get them; in some regions rights -accorded to her which lifted her near to political -equality with man, and a hundred bread-winning -occupations found for her where hardly one existed -before--among them medicine, the law, and professional -nursing. The Queen has herself recognized -merit in her sex; of the 501 lordships which -she has conferred in sixty years, one was upon a -woman.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The Queen has seen the right to organize trade -unions extended to the workman, after that right had -<span class='pageno' id='Page_205'>205</span>been the monopoly of guilds of masters for six -hundred years.</p> - -<p class='c001'>She has seen the workman rise into political notice, -then into political force, then (in some parts of the -world) into the chief and commanding political force; -she has seen the day’s labor of twelve, fourteen, and -eighteen hours reduced to eight, a reform which has -made labor a means of extending life instead of a -means of committing salaried suicide.</p> - -<p class='c001'>But it is useless to continue the list--it has no -end.</p> - -<p class='c001'>There will be complexions in the procession to-day -which will suggest the vast distances to which the -British dominion has extended itself around the fat -rotundity of the globe since Britain was a remote -unknown back settlement of savages with tin for -sale, two or three thousand years ago; and also -how great a part of this extension is comparatively -recent; also, how surprisingly speakers of the English -tongue have increased within the Queen’s time.</p> - -<p class='c001'>When the Queen was born there were not more -than 25,000,000 English-speaking people in the world; -there are about 120,000,000 now. The other long-reign -queen, Elizabeth, ruled over a short 100,000 -square miles of territory and perhaps 5,000,000 subjects; -Victoria reigns over more territory than any -other sovereign in the world’s history ever reigned -over; her estate covers a fourth part of the habitable -area of the globe, and her subjects number about -400,000,000.</p> - -<p class='c001'>It is indeed a mighty estate, and I perceive now -that the English are mentioned in the Bible:</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_206'>206</span>“Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the -earth.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>The Long-Reign Pageant will be a memorable -thing to see, for it stands for the grandeur of England, -and is full of suggestion as to how it had its beginning -and what have been the forces that have built it up.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I got to my seat in the Strand just in time--five -minutes past ten--for a glance around before the -show began. The houses opposite, as far as the eye -could reach in both directions, suggested boxes in a -theater snugly packed. The gentleman next to me -likened the groups to beds of flowers, and said he -had never seen such a massed and multitudinous -array of bright colors and fine clothes.</p> - -<p class='c001'>These displays rose up and up, story by story, all -balconies and windows being packed, and also the -battlements stretching along the roofs. The sidewalks -were filled with standing people, but were not -uncomfortably crowded. They were fenced from -the roadway by red-coated soldiers, a double stripe -of vivid color which extended throughout the six -miles which the procession would traverse.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Five minutes later the head of the column came -into view and was presently filing by, led by Captain -Ames, the tallest man in the British army. And then -the cheering began. It took me but a little while to -determine that this procession could not be described. -There was going to be too much of it, and too much -variety in it, so I gave up the idea. It was to be a -spectacle for the kodak, not the pen.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Presently the procession was without visible -beginning or end, but stretched to the limit of sight -<span class='pageno' id='Page_207'>207</span>in both directions--bodies of soldiery in blue, followed -by a block of soldiers in buff, then a block of -red, a block of buff, a block of yellow, and so on, an -interminable drift of swaying and swinging splotches -of strong color sparkling and flashing with shifty -light reflected from bayonets, lance heads, brazen -helmets, and burnished breastplates. For varied and -beautiful uniforms and unceasing surprises in the -way of new and unexpected splendors, it much surpassed -any pageant that I have ever seen.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I was not dreaming of so stunning a show. All -the nations seemed to be filing by. They all seemed -to be represented. It was a sort of allegorical suggestion -of the Last Day, and some who live to see -that day will probably recall this one if they are not -too much disturbed in mind at the time.</p> - -<p class='c001'>There were five bodies of Oriental soldiers of five -different nationalities, with complexions differentiated -by five distinct shades of yellow. There were about -a dozen bodies of black soldiers from various parts -of Africa, whose complexions covered as many shades -of black, and some of these were the very blackest -people I have ever seen yet.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Then there was an exhaustive exhibition of the -hundred separate brown races of India, the most -beautiful and satisfying of all the complexions that -have been vouchsafed to man, and the one which -best sets off colored clothes and best harmonizes -with all tints.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The Chinese, the Japanese, the Koreans, the -Africans, the Indians, the Pacific Islanders--they -were all there, and with them samples of all the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_208'>208</span>whites that inhabit the wide reach of the Queen’s -dominions.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The procession was the human race on exhibition, -a spectacle curious and interesting and worth traveling -far to see. The most splendid of the costumes -were those worn by the Indian princes, and they -were also the most beautiful and richest. They were -men of stately build and princely carriage, and -wherever they passed the applause burst forth.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Soldiers, soldiers, soldiers, and still more and more -soldiers and cannon and muskets and lances--there -seemed to be no end to this feature. There are -50,000 soldiers in London, and they all seemed to be -on hand. I have not seen so many except in the -theater, when thirty-five privates and a general -march across the stage and behind the scenes and -across the front again and keep it up till they have -represented 300,000.</p> - -<p class='c001'>In the early part of the procession the colonial -premiers drove by, and by and by after a long time -there was a grand output of foreign princes, thirty-one -in the invoice.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The feature of high romance was not wanting, for -among them rode Prince Rupert of Bavaria, who -would be Prince of Wales now and future king of -England and emperor of India if his Stuart ancestors -had conducted their royal affairs more wisely than -they did. He came as a peaceful guest to represent -his mother, Princess Ludwig, heiress of the house of -Stuart, to whom English Jacobites still pay unavailing -homage as the rightful queen of England.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The house of Stuart was formally and officially -<span class='pageno' id='Page_209'>209</span>shelved nearly two centuries ago, but the microbe -of Jacobite loyalty is a thing which is not exterminable -by time, force, or argument.</p> - -<p class='c001'>At last, when the procession had been on view an -hour and a half, carriages began to appear. In the -first came a detachment of two-horse ones containing -ambassadors extraordinary, in one of them Whitelaw -Reid, representing the United States; then six containing -minor foreign and domestic princes and -princesses; then five four-horse carriages freighted -with offshoots of the family.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The excitement was growing now; interest was -rising toward the boiling point. Finally a landau -driven by eight cream-colored horses, most lavishly -<a id='corr209.15'></a><span class='htmlonly'><ins class='correction' title='unholstered'>upholstered</ins></span><span class='epubonly'><a href='#c_209.15'><ins class='correction' title='unholstered'>upholstered</ins></a></span> in gold stuffs, with postilions and no -drivers, and preceded by Lord Wolseley, came bowling -along, followed by the Prince of Wales, and all -the world rose to its feet and uncovered.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The Queen Empress was come. She was received -with great enthusiasm. It was realizable that she -was the procession herself; that all the rest of it was -mere embroidery; that in her the public saw the -British Empire itself. She was a symbol, an allegory of -England’s grandeur and the might of the British name.</p> - -<p class='c001'>It is over now; the British Empire has marched past -under review and inspection. The procession stood for -sixty years of progress and accumulation, moral, material, -and political. It was made up rather of the beneficiaries -of these prosperities than of the creators of them.</p> - -<p class='c001'>As far as mere glory goes, the foreign trade of -Great Britain has grown in a wonderful way since the -Queen ascended the throne. Last year it reached -<span class='pageno' id='Page_210'>210</span>the enormous figure of £620,000,000, but the capitalist, -the manufacturer, the merchant, and the -workingmen were not officially in the procession to -get their large share of the resulting glory.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Great Britain has added to her real estate an average -of 165 miles of territory per day for the past -sixty years, which is to say she has added more than -the bulk of an England proper per year, or an aggregate -of seventy Englands in the sixty years.</p> - -<p class='c001'>But Cecil Rhodes was not in the procession; the -Chartered Company was absent from it. Nobody -was there to collect his share of the glory due for -his formidable contributions to the imperial estate. -Even Doctor Jameson was out, and yet he had tried -so hard to accumulate territory.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Eleven colonial premiers were in the procession, -but the dean of the order, the imperial Premier, was -not, nor the Lord Chief Justice of England, nor the -Speaker of the House. The bulk of the religious -strength of England dissent was not officially represented -in the religious ceremonials. At the Cathedral -that immense new industry, speculative expansion, -was not represented unless the pathetic shade of -Barnato rode invisible in the pageant.</p> - -<p class='c001'>It was a memorable display and must live in history. -It suggested the material glories of the reign -finely and adequately. The absence of the chief -creators of them was perhaps not a serious disadvantage. -One could supply the vacancies by imagination, -and thus fill out the procession very effectively. -One can enjoy a rainbow without necessarily -forgetting the forces that made it.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_211'>211</span> - <h2 class='c007'>LETTERS TO SATAN <br /> <span class='small'>(1897)</span></h2> -</div> - -<h3 class='c012'>SWISS GLIMPSES</h3> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c000'> - <div>I</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c001'>If Your Grace would prepay your postage it would -be a pleasant change. I am not meaning to -speak harshly, but only sorrowfully. My remark -applies to all my outland correspondents, and to -everybody’s. None of them puts on the full postage, -and that is just the same as putting on none at all: -the foreign governments ignore the half postage, -and we who are abroad have to pay full postage on -those half-paid letters. And as for writing on thin -paper, none of my friends ever think of it; they all -use pasteboard, or sole leather, or things like that. -But enough of that subject; it is painful.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I believe you have set me a hard task; for if it is -true that you have not been in the world for three -hundred years, and have not received into your -establishment an educated person in all that time, -I shall be obliged to talk to you as if you had just -been born and knew nothing at all about the things -I speak of. However, I will do the best I can, and -will faithfully try to put in all the particulars, -trivial ones as well as the other sorts. If my report -shall induce Your Grace to come out of your age-long -<span class='pageno' id='Page_212'>212</span>seclusion and make a pleasure tour through the -world in person, instead of doing it by proxy through -me, I shall feel that I have labored to good purpose. -You have many friends in the world; more than -you think. You would have a vast welcome in -Paris, London, New York, Chicago, Washington, -and the other capitals of the world; if you would -go on the lecture platform you could charge what -you pleased. You would be the most formidable -attraction on the planet. The curiosity to see you -would be so great that no place of amusement would -contain the multitude that would come. In London -many devoted people who have seen the Prince of -Wales only fifteen hundred or two thousand times -would be willing to miss one chance of seeing him -again for the sake of seeing you. In Paris, even -with the Tsar on view, you could do a fairly good -business; and in Chicago--Oh, but you ought to -go to Chicago, you know. But further of this anon. -I will to my report, now, and tell you about Lucerne, -and how I journeyed hither; for doubtless you will -travel by the same route when you come.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I kept house a few months in London, with my -family, while I arranged the matters which you were -good enough to intrust me with. There were no -adventures, except that we saw the Jubilee. Afterward -I was invited to one of the Queen’s functions, -which was a royal garden party. A garden is a -green and bloomy countrified stretch of land which--But -you remember the Garden of Eden; well, -it is like that. The invitation prescribed the costume -that must be worn: “Morning dress with trousers.” -<span class='pageno' id='Page_213'>213</span>I was intending to wear mine, for I always wear -something at garden parties where ladies are to be -present; but I was hurt by this arbitrary note of -compulsion, and did not go. All the European courts -are particular about dress, and you are not allowed -to choose for yourself in any case; you are always -told exactly what you must wear; and whether it is -going to become you or not, you are not allowed to -make any changes. Yet the court taste is often bad, -and sometimes even indelicate. I was once invited -to dine with an emperor when I was living awhile -in Germany, and the invitation card named the -dress I must wear: “Frock coat and black cravat.” -To put it in English, that meant swallow-tail and -black cravat. It was cold weather, too, the middle -of winter; and not only that, but ladies were to be -present. That was five years ago. By this time the -coat has gone out, I suppose, and you would feel -at home there if you still remember the old Eden -styles.</p> - -<p class='c001'>As soon as the Jubilee was fairly over we broke -up housekeeping and went for a few days to what -is called in England “an hotel.” If we could have -afforded an horse and an hackney cab we could have -had an heavenly good time flitting around on our -preparation errands, and could have finished them -up briskly; but the buses are slow and they wasted -many precious hours for us. A bus is a sort of -great cage on four wheels, and is six times as strong -and eleven times as heavy as the service required -of it demands--but that is the English of it. The -bus aptly symbolizes the national character. The -<span class='pageno' id='Page_214'>214</span>Englishman requires that everything about him -shall be stable, strong, and permanent, except the -house which he builds to rent. His own private -house is as strong as a fort. The rod which holds -up the lace curtains could hold up an hippopotamus. -The three-foot flagstaff on his bus, which supports -a Union Jack the size of a handkerchief, would still -support it if it were one of the gates of Gaza. Everything -he constructs is a deal heavier and stronger -than it needs to be. He built ten miles of terraced -benches to view the Jubilee procession from, and -put timber enough in them to make them a permanent -contribution to the solidities of the world--yet -they were intended for only two days’ service.</p> - -<p class='c001'>When they were being removed an American said, -“Don’t do it--save them for the Resurrection.” -If anything gets in the way of the Englishman’s -bus it must get out of it or be bowled down--and -that is English. It is the serene self-sufficient spirit -which has carried his flag so far. He ought to put -his aggressive bus in his coat of arms, and take the -gentle unicorn out.</p> - -<p class='c001'>We made our preparations for Switzerland as fast -as we could; then bought the tickets. Bought them -of Thomas Cook & Sons, of course--nowadays -shortened to “Cook’s,” to save time and words. -Things have changed in thirty years. I can remember -when to be a “Cook’s tourist” was a thing to be -ashamed of, and when everybody felt privileged to -make fun of Cook’s “personally conducted” gangs -of economical provincials. But that has all gone -by, now. All sorts and conditions of men fly to -<span class='pageno' id='Page_215'>215</span>Cook in our days. In the bygone times travel in -Europe was made hateful and humiliating by the -wanton difficulties, hindrances, annoyances, and -vexations put upon it by ignorant, stupid, and disobliging -transportation officials, and one had to -travel with a courier or risk going mad. You could -not buy a railway ticket on one day which you -purposed to use next day--it was not permitted. -You could not buy a ticket for <em>any</em> train until -fifteen minutes before that train was due to leave. -Though you had twenty trunks, you must manage -somehow to get them weighed and the extra weight -paid for within that fifteen minutes; if the time was -not sufficient you would have to leave behind such -trunks as failed to pass the scales. If you missed -your train, your ticket was no longer good. As a -rule, you could make neither head nor tail of the -railway guide, and if your intended journey was a -long one you would find that the officials could tell -you little about which way to go; consequently -you often bought the wrong ticket and got yourself -lost. But Cook has remedied all these things and -made travel simple, easy, and a pleasure. He will -sell you a ticket to any place on the globe, or all the -places, and give you all the time you need, and -as much more besides; and it is good for all trains -of its class, and its baggage is weighable at all hours. -It provides hotels for you everywhere, if you so desire; -and you cannot be overcharged, for the coupons -show just how much you must pay. Cook’s servants -at the great stations will attend to your baggage, -get you a cab, tell you how much to pay cabmen and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_216'>216</span>porters, procure guides for you, or horses, donkeys, -camels, bicycles, or anything else you want, and -make life a comfort and a satisfaction to you. And -if you get tired of traveling and want to stop, Cook -will take back the remains of your ticket, with 10 -per cent off. Cook is your banker everywhere, and -his establishment your shelter when you get caught -out in the rain. His clerks will answer all the questions -you ask, and do it courteously. I recommend -Your Grace to travel on Cook’s tickets when you -come; and I do this without embarrassment, for I -get no commission. I do not know Cook. (But if -you would rather travel with a courier, let me -recommend Joseph Very. I employed him twenty -years ago, and spoke of him very highly in a book, -for he was an excellent courier--then. I employed -him again, six or seven years ago--for a while. Try -him. And when you go home, take him with you.)</p> - -<p class='c001'>That London hotel was a disappointment. It was -up a back alley, and we supposed it would be cheap. -But, no, it was built for the moneyed races. It was -all costliness and show. It had a brass band for -dinner--and little else--and it even had a telephone -and a lift. A telephone is a wire stretched on poles -or underground, and has a thing at each end of it. -These things are to speak into and to listen at. The -wire carries the words; it can carry them several -hundred miles. It is a time-saving, profanity-breeding, -useful invention, and in America is to be -found in all houses except parsonages. It is dear -in America, but cheap in England; yet in England -telephones are as rare as are icebergs in your place. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_217'>217</span>I know of no way to account for this; I only know -that it is extraordinary. The English take kindly -to the other modern conveniences, but for some -puzzling reason or other they will not use the telephone. -There are 44,000,000 people there who have -never even seen one.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The lift is an elevator. Like the telephone, it -also is an American invention. Its office is to hoist -people to the upper stories and save them the fatigue -and delay of climbing. That London hotel could -accommodate several hundred people, and it had just -one lift--a lift which would hold four persons. In -America such an hotel would have from two to six -lifts. When I was last in Paris, three years ago, they -were using there what they thought was a lift. It -held two persons, and traveled at such a slow gait -that a spectator could not tell which way it was -going. If the passengers were going to the sixth -floor, they took along something to eat; and at -night, bedding. Old people did not use it; except -such as were on their way to the good place, anyhow. -Often people that had been lost for days were found -in those lifts, jogging along, jogging along, frequently -still alive. The French took great pride in their -ostensible lift, and called it by a grand name--<span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr"><i>ascenseur</i></span>. -An hotel that had a lift did not keep it -secret, but advertised it in immense letters, <span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr"><i><a id='corr217.27'></a><span class='htmlonly'><ins class='correction' title='Il'>“Il</ins></span><span class='epubonly'><a href='#c_217.27'><ins class='correction' title='Il'>“Il</ins></a></span> y a une ascenseur,”</i></span> with three exclamation points after it.</p> - -<p class='c001'>In that London hotel--But never mind that -hotel; it was a cruelly expensive and tawdry and -ill-conditioned place, and I wish I could do it a -damage. I will think up a way some time. We -<span class='pageno' id='Page_218'>218</span>went to Queenboro by the railroad. A railroad is -a--well, a railroad is a railroad. I will describe it -more explicitly another time.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Then we went by steamer to Flushing--eight -hours. If you sit at home you can make the trip -in less time, because then you can travel by the -steamer company’s advertisement, and that will -take you across the Channel five hours quicker than -their boats can do it. Almost everywhere in Europe -the advertisements can give the facts several hours’ -odd in the twenty-four and get in first.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>II</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c001'>We tarried overnight at a summer hotel on the -seashore near Flushing--the Grand Hôtel des Bains. -The word Grand means nothing in this connection; -it has no descriptive value. On the Continent, all -hotels, inns, taverns, hash houses and slop troughs -employ it. It is tiresome. This one was a good-enough -hotel, and comfortable, but there was nothing -grand about it but the bill, and even that was -not extravagant enough to make the title entirely -justifiable. Except in the case of one item--Scotch -whisky. I ordered a sup of that, for I always take -it at night as a preventive of toothache. I have -never had the toothache; and what is more, I never -intend to have it. They charged me a dollar and a -half for it. A dollar and a half for half a pint; a -dollar and a half for that wee little mite--really -hardly enough to break a pledge with. It will be a -kindness to me if Your Grace will show the landlord -<span class='pageno' id='Page_219'>219</span>some special attentions when he arrives. Not -merely on account of that piece of extortion, but -because he got us back to town and the station -next day, more than an hour before train time.</p> - -<p class='c001'>There were no books or newspapers for sale there, -and nothing to look at but a map. Fortunately it -was an interesting one. It was a railway map of -the Low Countries, and was of a new sort to me, -for it was made of tiles--the ground white, the -lines black. It could be washed if it got soiled, and -if no accident happens to it it will last ten thousand -years and still be as bright and fine and new and -beautiful then as it is to-day. It occupied a great -area of the wall, and one could study it in comfort -halfway across the house. It would be a valuable -thing if our own railway companies would adorn -their waiting rooms with maps like that.</p> - -<p class='c001'>We left at five in the afternoon. The Dutch road -was admirably rough; we went bumping and bouncing -and swaying and sprawling along in a most -vindictive and disorderly way; then passed the -frontier into Germany, and straightway quieted -down and went gliding as smoothly through the -landscape as if we had been on runners. We reached -Cologne after midnight.</p> - -<p class='c001'>But this letter is already too long. I will close it -by saying that I was charmed with England and -sorry to leave it. It is easy to do business there. I -carried out all of Your Grace’s instructions, and did -it without difficulty. I doubted if it was needful to -grease Mr. Cecil Rhodes’s palm any further, for I -think he would serve you just for the love of it; -<span class='pageno' id='Page_220'>220</span>still, I obeyed your orders in the matter. I made him -Permanent General Agent for South Africa, got him -and his South Africa Company whitewashed by the -Committee of Inquiry, and promised him a dukedom. -I also continued the European Concert in office, -without making any change in its material. In my -opinion this is the best material for the purpose that -exists outside of Your Grace’s own personal Cabinet. -It coddles the Sultan, it has defiled and degraded -Greece, it has massacred a hundred thousand Christians -in Armenia and a splendid multitude of them -in Turkey, and has covered civilization and the -Christian name with imperishable shame. If Your -Grace would instruct me to add the Concert to the -list of your publicly acknowledged servants, I think it -would have a good effect. The Foreign Offices of -the whole European world are now under your -sovereignty, and little attentions like this would keep -them so.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_221'>221</span> - <h2 class='c007'>A WORD OF ENCOURAGEMENT FOR OUR <br /></h2> -</div> -<p class='c011'>BLUSHING EXILES | <span class='small'>(1898)</span></p> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c011'>... Well, what do you think of our country <em>now</em>? And -what do you think of the figure she is cutting before the eyes -of the world? For one, I am ashamed--(Extract from a long -and heated letter from a Voluntary Exile, Member of the -American Colony, Paris.)</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>And so you are ashamed. I am trying to think -out what it can have been that has produced -this large attitude of mind and this fine flow of sarcasm. -Apparently you are ashamed to look Europe -in the face; ashamed of the American name; temporarily -ashamed of your nationality. By the light -of remarks made to me by an American here in -Vienna, I judge that you are ashamed because:</p> - -<p class='c001'>1. We are meddling where we have no business and -no right; meddling with the private family matters -of a sister nation; intruding upon her sacred right -to do as she pleases with her own, unquestioned by -anybody.</p> - -<p class='c001'>2. We are doing this under a sham humanitarian -pretext.</p> - -<p class='c001'>3. Doing it in order to filch Cuba, the formal and -distinct disclaimer in the ultimatum being very, very -thin humbug, and easily detectable as such by you -and virtuous Europe.</p> - -<p class='c001'>4. And finally you are ashamed of all this because -<span class='pageno' id='Page_222'>222</span>it is new, and base, and brutal, and dishonest; and -because Europe, having had no previous experience -of such things, is horrified by it and can never respect -us nor associate with us any more.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Brutal, base, dishonest? We? Land thieves? -Shedders of innocent blood? We? Traitors to our -official word? We? Are we going to lose Europe’s -respect because of this new and dreadful conduct? -Russia’s, for instance? Is she lying stretched out on -her back in Manchuria, with her head among her -Siberian prisons and her feet in Port Arthur, trying -to read over the fairy tales she told Lord Salisbury, -and not able to do it for crying because we are -maneuvering to treacherously smouch Cuba from -feeble Spain, and because we are ungently shedding -innocent Spanish blood?</p> - -<p class='c001'>Is it France’s respect that we are going to lose? -Is our unchivalric conduct troubling a nation which -exists to-day because a brave young girl saved it -when its poltroons had lost it--a nation which -deserted her as one man when her day of peril came? -Is our treacherous assault upon a weak people distressing -a nation which contributed Bartholomew’s -Day to human history? Is our ruthless spirit offending -the sensibilities of the nation which gave us the -Reign of Terror to read about? Is our unmanly -intrusion into the private affairs of a sister nation -shocking the feelings of the people who sent Maximilian -to Mexico? Are our shabby and pusillanimous -ways outraging the fastidious people who have -sent an innocent man (Dreyfus) to a living hell, -taken to their embraces the slimy guilty one, and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_223'>223</span>submitted to a thousand indignities Emile Zola--the -manliest man in France?</p> - -<p class='c001'>Is it Spain’s respect that we are going to lose? Is -she sitting sadly conning her great history and contrasting -it with our meddling, cruel, perfidious one--our -shameful history of foreign robberies, humanitarian -shams, and annihilations of weak and unoffending -nations? Is she remembering with pride -how she sent Columbus home in chains; how she -sent half of the harmless West Indians into slavery -and the rest to the grave, leaving not one alive; how -she robbed and slaughtered the Inca’s gentle race, -then beguiled the Inca into her power with fair -promises and burned him at the stake; how she -drenched the New World in blood, and earned and -got the name of The Nation with the Bloody Footprint; -how she drove all the Jews out of Spain in a -day, allowing them to sell their property, but forbidding -them to carry any money out of the country; -how she roasted heretics by the thousands and thousands -in her public squares, generation after generation, -her kings and her priests looking on as at a -holiday show; how her Holy Inquisition imported -hell into the earth; how she was the first to institute -it and the last to give it up--and then only under -compulsion; how, with a spirit unmodified by time, -she still tortures her prisoners to-day; how, with her -ancient passion for pain and blood unchanged, she -still crowds the arena with ladies and gentlemen and -priests to see with delight a bull harried and persecuted -and a gored horse dragging his entrails on the -ground; and how, with this incredible character surviving -<span class='pageno' id='Page_224'>224</span>all attempts to civilize it, her Duke of Alva -rises again in the person of General Weyler--to-day -the most idolized personage in Spain--and we see a -hundred thousand women and children shut up in -pens and pitilessly starved to death?</p> - -<p class='c001'>Are we indeed going to lose Spain’s respect? Is -there no way to avoid this calamity--or this compliment? -Are we going to lose her respect because we -have made a promise in our ultimatum which she -thinks we shall break? And meantime is she trying -to recall some promise of her own which she has -kept?</p> - -<p class='c001'>Is the Professional Official Fibber of Europe really -troubled with our morals? Dear Parisian friend, are -you taking seriously the daily remark of the newspaper -and the orator about “this noble nation with -an illustrious history”? That is mere kindness, mere -charity for a people in temporary hard luck. The -newspaper and the orator do not mean it. They -wink when they say it.</p> - -<p class='c001'>And so you are ashamed. Do not be ashamed; -there is no occasion for it.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_225'>225</span> - <h2 class='c007'>DUELING <br /> <span class='small'>(Vienna, Austria, 1898)</span></h2> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_2_0_4 c014'>This pastime is as common in Austria to-day as -it is in France. But with this difference--that -here in the Austrian states the duel is dangerous, -while in France it is not. Here it is tragedy, in -France it is comedy; here it is a solemnity, there it -is monkeyshines; here the duelist risks his life, there -he does not even risk his shirt. Here he fights with -pistol or saber, in France with a hairpin--a blunt -one. Here the desperately wounded man tries to -walk to the hospital; there they paint the scratch so -that they can find it again, lay the sufferer on a -stretcher, and conduct him off the field with a band -of music.</p> - -<p class='c001'>At the end of a French duel the pair hug and kiss -and cry, and praise each other’s valor; then the surgeons -make an examination and pick out the scratched -one, and the other one helps him on to the litter and -pays his fare; and in return the scratched one treats -to champagne and oysters in the evening, and then -“the incident is closed,” as the French say. It is all -polite, and gracious, and pretty, and impressive. At -the end of an Austrian duel the antagonist that is -alive gravely offers his hand to the other man, utters -some phrases of courteous regret, then bids him -good-by and goes his way, and that incident also is -<span class='pageno' id='Page_226'>226</span>closed. The French duelist is painstakingly protected -from danger, by the rules of the game. His -antagonist’s weapon cannot reach so far as his body; -if he gets a scratch it will not be above his elbow. -But in Austria the rules of the game do not provide -against danger, they carefully provide <em>for</em> it, usually. -Commonly the combat must be kept up until one of -the men is disabled; a nondisabling slash or stab -does not retire him.</p> - -<p class='c001'>For a matter of three months I watched the -Viennese journals, and whenever a duel was reported -in their telegraphic columns I scrap-booked it. By -this record I find that dueling in Austria is not confined -to journalists and old maids, as in France, but -is indulged in by military men, journalists, students, -physicians, lawyers, members of the legislature, and -even the Cabinet, the bench, and the police. Dueling -is forbidden by law; and so it seems odd to see the -makers and administrators of the laws dancing on -their work in this way. Some months ago Count -Badeni, at that time chief of the government, fought -a pistol duel here in the capital city of the Empire -with Representative Wolf, and both of those distinguished -Christians came near getting turned out of -the Church--for the Church as well as the state forbids -dueling.</p> - -<p class='c001'>In one case, lately, in Hungary, the police interfered -and stopped a duel after the first innings. This -was a saber duel between the chief of police and the -city attorney. Unkind things were said about it by -the newspapers. They said the police remembered -their duty uncommonly well when their own officials -<span class='pageno' id='Page_227'>227</span>were the parties concerned in duels. But I think the -underlings showed bread-and-butter judgment. If -their superiors had carved each other well, the public -would have asked, “Where were the police?” and -their place would have been endangered; but custom -does not require them to be around where mere -unofficial citizens are explaining a thing with sabers.</p> - -<p class='c001'>There was another duel--a double duel--going on -in the immediate neighborhood at the time, and in -this case the police obeyed custom and did not disturb -it. Their bread and butter was not at stake -there. In this duel a physician fought a couple of -surgeons, and wounded both--one of them lightly, the -other seriously. An undertaker wanted to keep people -from interfering, but that was quite natural again.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Selecting at random from my record, I next find -a duel at Tranopol between military men. An -officer of the Tenth Dragoons charged an officer of -the Ninth Dragoons with an offense against the laws -of the card table. There was a defect or a doubt -somewhere in the matter, and this had to be examined -and passed upon by a court of honor. So the -case was sent up to Lemberg for this purpose. One -would like to know what the defect was, but the -newspaper does not say. A man here who has fought -many duels and has a graveyard says that probably -the matter in question was as to whether the accusation -was true or not; that if the charge was a very -grave one--cheating, for instance--proof of its truth -would rule the guilty officer out of the field of honor; -the court would not allow a gentleman to fight with -such a person. You see what a solemn thing it is; -<span class='pageno' id='Page_228'>228</span>you see how particular they are; any little careless -speech can lose you your privilege of getting yourself -shot, here. The court seems to have gone into the -matter in a searching and careful fashion, for several -months elapsed before it reached a decision. It then -sanctioned a duel and the accused killed his accuser.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Next I find a duel between a prince and a major; -first with pistols--no result satisfactory to either -party; then with sabers, and the major badly hurt.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Next, a saber duel between journalists--the one a -strong man, the other feeble and in poor health. It -was brief; the strong one drove his sword through -the weak one, and death was immediate.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Next, a duel between a lieutenant and a student -of medicine. According to the newspaper report, -these are the details: The student was in a restaurant -one evening; passing along, he halted at a -table to speak with some friends; near by sat a -dozen military men; the student conceived that one -of these was “staring” at him; he asked the officer -to step outside and explain. This officer and another -one gathered up their capes and sabers and went out -with the student. Outside--this is the student’s -account--the student introduced himself to the -offending officer and said, “You seemed to stare at -me”; for answer, the officer struck the student with -his fist; the student parried the blow; both officers -drew their sabers and attacked the young fellow, and -one of them gave him a wound on the left arm; then -they withdrew. This was Saturday night. The duel -followed on Monday, in the military riding school--the -customary dueling ground all over Austria, apparently. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_229'>229</span>The weapons were pistols. The dueling terms -were somewhat beyond custom in the matter of -severity, if I may gather that from the statement -that the combat was fought “<span lang="de" xml:lang="de">unter sehr schweren -Bedingungen</span>”--to wit, “distance, 15 steps--with 3 -steps advance.” There was but one exchange of -shots. The student was hit. “He put his hand on -his breast, his body began to bend slowly forward, -then collapsed in death and sank to the ground.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>It is pathetic. There are other duels in my list, -but I find in each and all of them one and the same -ever-recurring defect--the <em>principals</em> are never present, -but only by their sham representatives. The -<em>real</em> principals in any duel are not the duelists themselves, -but their <em>families</em>. They do the mourning, -the suffering; theirs is the loss and theirs the misery. -They stake all that, the duelist stakes nothing but -his life, and that is a trivial thing compared with -what his death must cost those whom he leaves -behind him. Challenges should not mention the -duelist; he has nothing much at stake, and the real -vengeance cannot reach him. The challenge should -summon the offender’s old gray mother and his -young wife and his little children--these, or any of -whom he is a dear and worshiped possession--and -should say, “You have done me no harm, but I am -the meek slave of a custom which requires me to -crush the happiness out of your hearts and condemn -you to years of pain and grief, in order that I may -wash clean with your tears a stain which has been -put upon me by another person.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>The logic of it is admirable; a person has robbed -<span class='pageno' id='Page_230'>230</span>me of a penny; I must beggar ten innocent persons -to make good my loss. Surely nobody’s “honor” is -worth all that.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Since the duelist’s family are the real principals in -a duel, the state ought to compel them to be present -at it. Custom, also, ought to be so amended as to -require it; and without it no duel ought to be -allowed to go on. If that student’s unoffending -mother had been present and watching the officer -through her tears as he raised his pistol, he--why, -he would have fired in the air! We know that. For -we know how we are all made. Laws ought to be -based upon the ascertained facts of our nature. It -would be a simple thing to make a dueling law which -would stop dueling.</p> - -<p class='c001'>As things are now, the mother is never invited. -She submits to this; and without outward complaint, -for she, too, is the vassal of custom, and -custom requires her to conceal her pain when she -learns the disastrous news that her son must go to -the dueling field, and by the powerful force that is -lodged in habit and custom she is enabled to obey -this trying requirement--a requirement which exacts -a miracle of her, and gets it. In January a neighbor -of ours who has a young son in the army was awakened -by this youth at three o’clock one morning, and -she sat up in bed and listened to his message:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“I have come to tell you something, mother, -which will distress you, but you must be good and -brave and bear it. I have been affronted by a fellow -officer and we fight at three this afternoon. Lie -down and sleep, now, and think no more about it.”</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_231'>231</span>She kissed him good night and lay down paralyzed -with grief and fear, but said nothing. But she did -not sleep; she prayed and mourned till the first -streak of dawn, then fled to the nearest church and -implored the Virgin for help; and from that church -she went to another and another; church after -church, and still church after church, and so spent -all the day until three o’clock on her knees in agony -and tears; then dragged herself home and sat down, -comfortless and desolate, to count the minutes, and -wait, with an outward show of calm, for what had -been ordained for her--happiness, or endless misery. -Presently she heard the clank of a saber--she had -not known before what music was in that sound--and -her son put his head in and said:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“X was in the wrong and he apologized.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>So that incident was closed; and for the rest of -her life the mother will always find something pleasant -about the clank of a saber, no doubt.</p> - -<p class='c001'>In one of my listed duels--However, let it go, -there is nothing particularly striking about it except -that the seconds interfered. And prematurely, too, -for neither man was dead. This was certainly irregular. -Neither of the men liked it. It was a duel with -cavalry sabers, between an editor and a lieutenant. -The editor walked to the hospital; the lieutenant -was carried. In Austria an editor who can write -well is valuable, but he is not likely to remain so -unless he can handle a saber with charm.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The following very recent telegram shows that also -in France duels are humanely stopped as soon as -they approach the (French) danger point:</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div><span class='pageno' id='Page_232'>232</span>(Reuter’s Telegram)</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='c015'><span class='sc'>Paris</span>, <i>March 5th</i>.</div> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'>The duel between Colonels Henry and Picquart took place -this morning in the riding school of the École Militaire, the -doors of which were strictly guarded in order to prevent intrusion. -The combatants, who fought with swords, were in position -at ten o’clock.</p> - -<p class='c001'>At the first re-engagement Lieut.-Col. Henry was slightly -scratched in the forearm, and just at the same moment his own -blade appeared to touch his adversary’s neck. Senator Ranc, -who was Colonel Picquart’s second, stopped the fight, but as -it was found that his principal had not been touched, the combat -continued. A very sharp encounter ensued, in which Colonel -Henry was wounded in the elbow, and the duel then terminated.</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>After which the stretcher and the band. In lurid -contrast with this delicate flirtation, we have an -account of a deadly duel of day before yesterday in -Italy, where the earnest Austrian duel is in vogue. -I knew one of the principals, Cavalotti, slightly, and -this gives me a sort of personal interest in his duel. -I first saw him in Rome several years ago. He was -sitting on a block of stone in the Forum, and was -writing something in his notebook--a poem or a -challenge, or something like that--and the friend -who pointed him out to me said, “That is Cavalotti--he -has fought thirty duels; do not disturb him.” -I did not disturb him.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_233'>233</span> - <h2 class='c007'>SKELETON PLAN OF A PROPOSED <br />CASTING VOTE PARTY <br /><span class='small'>(1901)</span></h2> -</div> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c011'><span class='sc'>Note.</span>--Mark Twain’s effort was always for clean politics. In -1901 he formulated what to him seemed a feasible plan to obtain -this boon. It is here first published.--A. B. P.</p> - -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>ITS MAIN OBJECT</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c001'>To compel the two Great Parties to nominate -their <em>best man</em> always.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>FOUNDATION PRINCIPLES</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c001'>With the offices all filled by the best men of -either of the two Great Parties, we shall have good -government. We hold that this is beyond dispute, -and does not need to be argued.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>DETAILS</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c001'>1. The C. V. Party should be <em>organized</em>. This, -in order to secure its continuance and permanency.</p> - -<p class='c001'>2. Any of the following acts must sever the connection -of a member with the Casting Vote party:</p> - - <ul class='ul_1'> - <li>The seeking of any office, appointive or elective. - </li> - <li>The acceptance of a nomination to any such office. - </li> - <li>The acceptance of such an office. - </li> - </ul> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_234'>234</span>3. The organization should never vote for <em>any but -a nominee of one or the other of the two Great Parties</em>, -and should then cast their <em>entire vote</em> for that nominee.</p> - -<p class='c001'>4. They should have no dealings with minor -parties.</p> - -<p class='c001'>5. There should be ward organizations, township, -town, city, congressional district, state and national -organizations. The party should work wherever -there is an elective office, from the lowest up to the -Presidency.</p> - -<p class='c001'>6. As a rule, none of the organizations will need -to be large. In most cases they will be able to control -the action of the two Great Parties without that. -In the matter of membership, quality will be the -main thing, rather than quantity.</p> - -<p class='c001'>In small constituencies, where a town constable or -a justice of the peace is to be elected it will often be -the case that a Casting Vote lodge of fifty members -can elect the nominee it prefers. In every such -community the material for the fifty is present. It -will be found among the men who are disgusted with -the prevailing political methods, the low ambitions -and ideals, of the politicians; dishonesty in office; -corruption; the frank distribution of appointments -among characterless and incompetent men as pay -for party service; the evasion and sometimes -straight-out violation of the civil-service laws. The -fifty will be found among the men who are ashamed -of this condition of things and who have despaired of -seeing it bettered; <em>who stay away from the polls and -do not vote;</em> who do not attend primaries, and would -be insulted there if they did.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_235'>235</span>The fifty exist in every little community; they -are not seen, not heard, not regarded--but they are -there. There, and deeply and sincerely desirous of -good and sound government, and ready to give the -best help they can if any will place before them a -competent way. They are reserved and quiet merchants -and shopkeepers, middle-aged; they are -young men making their way in the offices of doctors -and lawyers and behind counters; they are journeyman -high-class mechanics; they are organizers of, -and workers for, the community’s charities, art and -other social-improvement clubs, university settlements, -Young Men’s Christian Association, circulating -libraries; they are readers of books, frequenters -of the library. They have never seen a primary, -and they have an aversion for the polls.</p> - -<p class='c001'>7. Men proposing to create a Casting Vote lodge -should not advertise their purpose; conspiracies for -good, like conspiracies for evil, are best conducted -privately until success is sure. The poll of the two -Great Parties should be examined, and the winning -party’s majority noted. <em>It is this majority which -the Casting Vote must overcome and nullify.</em> If the -total vote cast was 1,000 and the majority vote -fifty, the proposers of a lodge should canvass -privately until they have secured 75 or 100 names; -they can organize then, without solicitude; the -balance of power is in their hands, and this fact by -itself will add names to its membership. If the total -vote is 10,000 and the majority vote 1,000, the procedure -should be as before: the thousand-and-upward -should be secured by private canvass before -<span class='pageno' id='Page_236'>236</span>public organization is instituted. Where a total -vote is 1,000,000 the majority vote is not likely to -exceed 30,000. Five or six canvassers can begin the -listing; each man secured becomes a canvasser, -ten know three apiece who will join; the thirty -know three apiece who will join; the ninety know -three hundred, the three hundred know a thousand, -the thousand know three thousand--and so on; the -required thirty or forty thousand can be secured in -ten days, the lodge organized, and its casting vote -be ready and self-pledged and competent to elect -the best of the nominees the two Great Parties may -put up at that date or later.</p> - -<p class='c001'>8. In every ward of every city there is enough of -this material to hold the balance of power over the -two Great Parties in a ward election; in every city -there is enough of it to determine which of the two -nominees shall be mayor; in every congressional -district there is enough of it to elect the Governor; -also to elect the legislature and choose the U. S. -Senators; and in the United States there is enough -of it to throw the Casting Vote for its choice between -the nominees of the two Great Parties and seat him -in the presidential chair.</p> - -<p class='c001'>9. From constable up to President there is no -office for which the two Great Parties cannot furnish -able, clean, and acceptable men. Whenever the -balance of power shall be lodged in a permanent -third party with no candidates of its own and no -function but to cast its <em>whole vote</em> for the best man -put forward by the Republicans and Democrats, -these two parties <em>will select the best men they have in -<span class='pageno' id='Page_237'>237</span>their ranks</em>. Good and clean government will follow, -let its party complexion be what it may; and the -country will be quite content.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>THE LODGES</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c001'>The primal lodge--call it A--should consist of -10 men only. It is enough and can meet in a dwelling -house or a shop, and get well acquainted at -once. It has before it the names of the nominees -of the two Great Parties--Jones (Republican), Smith -(Democrat). It fails of unanimity--both candidates -perchance being good men and about equally acceptable--and -casts seven votes, say, for Jones and three -for Smith.</p> - -<p class='c001'>It elects one of its ten to meet similar delegates -from any number of local A lodges and hand in its -vote. This body--call it a B lodge--examines the -aggregate vote; this time the majority may be with -Smith. The members carry the result to the A -lodges; and these, by the conditions of their membership, -must vote for Smith.</p> - -<p class='c001'>In the case of a state election, bodies each consisting -of a number of B lodges would elect a delegate -to a state council, and the state council would -examine the aggregate vote and give its decision in -favor of the Republican or Democratic candidate -receiving the majority of the Casting Vote’s suffrages.</p> - -<p class='c001'>In the case of a presidential contest, the state -council would appoint delegates to a national convention, -and these would examine the aggregate -Casting Vote vote and determine and announce the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_238'>238</span>choice of the Casting Vote organizations of the whole -country. At the presidential election the A lodges -throughout the land would vote for presidential -electors of the Party indicated.</p> - -<p class='c001'>If the reader thinks well of the project, let him -begin a private canvass among his friends and give -it a practical test, without waiting for other people -to begin. If in the hands of men who regard their -citizenship as a high trust this scheme shall fail -upon trial, a better must be sought, a better must -be invented; for it cannot be well or safe to let the -present political conditions continue indefinitely. -They can be improved, and American citizenship -should rouse up from its disheartenment and see that -it is done.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_239'>239</span> - <h2 class='c007'>THE UNITED STATES OF LYNCHERDOM <br /> <span class='small'>(1901)</span></h2> -</div> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c011'>law, and when in 1901 a particularly barbarous incident occurred -in his native state he was moved to express himself in print. The -article was not offered for publication, perhaps because the moment -of timeliness had passed. Its general timeliness, however, is perennial -and a word from “America’s foremost private citizen” on -the subject is worthy of preservation.--A. B. P.</p> - -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>I</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c001'>And so Missouri has fallen, that great state! -Certain of her children have joined the lynchers, -and the smirch is upon the rest of us. That handful -of her children have given us a character and labeled -us with a name, and to the dwellers in the four -quarters of the earth we are “lynchers,” now, and -ever shall be. For the world will not stop and think--it -never does, it is not its way; its way is to -generalize from a single sample. It will not say, -“Those Missourians have been busy eighty years -in building an honorable good name for themselves; -these hundred lynchers down in the corner of the -state are not real Missourians, they are renegades.” -No, that truth will not enter its mind; it will generalize -from the one or two misleading samples and -say, “The Missourians are lynchers.” It has no -reflection, no logic, no sense of proportion. With -it, figures go for nothing; to it, figures reveal nothing, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_240'>240</span>it cannot reason upon them rationally; it -would say, for instance, that China is being swiftly -and surely Christianized, since nine Chinese Christians -are being made every day; and it would fail, -with him, to notice that the fact that 33,000 pagans -are <em>born</em> there every day, damages the argument. It -would say, “There are a hundred lynchers there, -therefore the Missourians are lynchers”; the considerable -fact that there are two and a half million -Missourians who are <em>not</em> lynchers would not affect -their verdict.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>II</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c001'>Oh, Missouri!</p> - -<p class='c001'>The tragedy occurred near Pierce City, down in -the southwestern corner of the state. On a Sunday -afternoon a young white woman who had started -alone from church was found murdered. For there -are churches there; in my time religion was more -general, more pervasive, in the South than it was -in the North, and more virile and earnest, too, I -think; I have some reason to believe that this is -still the case. The young woman was found murdered. -Although it was a region of churches and -schools the people rose, lynched three negroes--two -of them very aged ones--burned out five negro -households, and drove thirty negro families into the -woods.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I do not dwell upon the provocation which moved -the people to these crimes, for that has nothing to -do with the matter; the only question is, does the -assassin <em>take the law into his own hands</em>? It is very -simple, and very just. If the assassin be proved to -<span class='pageno' id='Page_241'>241</span>have usurped the law’s prerogative in righting his -wrongs, that ends the matter; a thousand provocations -are no defense. The Pierce City people had -bitter provocation--indeed, as revealed by certain -of the particulars, the bitterest of all provocations--but -no matter, they took the law into their own -hands, when by the terms of their statutes their -victim would certainly hang if the law had been -allowed to take its course, for there are but few -negroes in that region and they are without authority -and without influence in overawing juries.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Why has lynching, with various barbaric accompaniments, -become a favorite regulator in cases of -“the usual crime” in several parts of the country? -Is it because men think a lurid and terrible punishment -a more forcible object lesson and a more effective -deterrent than a sober and colorless hanging -done privately in a jail would be? Surely sane men -do not think that. Even the average child should -know better. It should know that any strange and -much-talked-of event is always followed by imitations, -the world being so well supplied with excitable -people who only need a little stirring up to make -them lose what is left of their heads and do mad -things which they would not have thought of ordinarily. -It should know that if a man jump off Brooklyn -Bridge another will imitate him; that if a person -venture down Niagara Whirlpool in a barrel another -will imitate him; that if a Jack the Ripper make -notoriety by slaughtering women in dark alleys he -will be imitated; that if a man attempt a king’s -life and the newspapers carry the noise of it -<span class='pageno' id='Page_242'>242</span>around the globe, regicides will crop up all around. -The child should know that one much-talked-of -outrage and murder committed by a negro will upset -the disturbed intellects of several other negroes and -produce a series of the very tragedies the community -would so strenuously wish to prevent; that each -of these crimes will produce another series, and year -by year steadily increase the tale of these disasters -instead of diminishing it; that, in a word, the -lynchers are themselves the worst enemies of their -women. The child should also know that by a law -of our make, communities, as well as individuals, -are imitators; and that a much-talked-of lynching -will infallibly produce other lynchings here and -there and yonder, and that in time these will breed a -mania, a fashion; a fashion which will spread wide -and wider, year by year, covering state after state, -as with an advancing disease. Lynching has reached -Colorado, it has reached California, it has reached -Indiana--and now Missouri! I may live to see a -negro burned in Union Square, New York, with -fifty thousand people present, and not a sheriff visible, -not a governor, not a constable, not a colonel, -not a clergyman, not a law-and-order representative -of any sort.</p> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'><i>Increase in Lynching.</i>--In 1900 there were eight more cases -than in 1899, and probably this year there will be more than -there were last year. The year is little more than half gone, -and yet there are eighty-eight cases as compared with one -hundred and fifteen for all of last year. The four Southern -states, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, and Mississippi are the -worst offenders. Last year there were eight cases in Alabama, -sixteen in Georgia, twenty in Louisiana, and twenty in Mississippi--over -<span class='pageno' id='Page_243'>243</span>one-half the total. This year to date there have -been nine in Alabama, twelve in Georgia, eleven in Louisiana, -and thirteen in Mississippi--again more than one-half the total -number in the whole United States.--Chicago <cite>Tribune</cite>.</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>It must be that the increase comes of the inborn -human instinct to imitate--that and man’s commonest -weakness, his aversion to being unpleasantly -conspicuous, pointed at, shunned, as being on the -unpopular side. Its other name is Moral Cowardice, -and is the commanding feature of the make-up of -9,999 men in the 10,000. I am not offering this as -a discovery; privately the dullest of us knows it -to be true. History will not allow us to forget or -ignore this supreme trait of our character. It persistently -and sardonically reminds us that from the -beginning of the world no revolt against a public -infamy or oppression has ever been begun but by -the one daring man in the 10,000, the rest timidly -waiting, and slowly and reluctantly joining, under -the influence of that man and his fellows from the -other ten thousands. The abolitionists remember. -Privately the public feeling was with them early, -but each man was afraid to speak out until he got -some hint that his neighbor was privately feeling -as he privately felt himself. Then the boom followed. -It always does. It will occur in New York, -some day; and even in Pennsylvania.</p> - -<p class='c001'>It has been supposed--and said--that the people -at a lynching enjoy the spectacle and are glad of a -chance to see it. It cannot be true; all experience -is against it. The people in the South are made like -the people in the North--the vast majority of whom -<span class='pageno' id='Page_244'>244</span>are right-hearted and compassionate, and would be -cruelly pained by such a spectacle--and <em>would -attend it</em>, and let on to be pleased with it, if the public -approval seemed to require it. We are made like -that, and we cannot help it. The other animals are -not so, but we cannot help that, either. They lack -the Moral Sense; we have no way of trading ours -off, for a nickel or some other thing above its value. -The Moral Sense teaches us what is right, and how -to avoid it--when unpopular.</p> - -<p class='c001'>It is thought, as I have said, that a lynching -crowd enjoys a lynching. It certainly is not true; -it is impossible of belief. It is freely asserted--you -have seen it in print many times of late--that -the lynching impulse has been misinterpreted; that -it is <em>not</em> the outcome of a spirit of revenge, but of a -“mere atrocious hunger <em>to look upon human suffering</em>.” -If that were so, the crowds that saw the -Windsor Hotel burn down would have enjoyed the -horrors that fell under their eyes. Did they? No -one will think that of them, no one will make that -charge. Many risked their lives to save the men and -women who were in peril. Why did they do that? -Because <em>none would disapprove</em>. There was no -restraint; they could follow their natural impulse. -Why does a crowd of the same kind of people in -Texas, Colorado, Indiana, stand by, smitten to the -heart and miserable, and by ostentatious outward -signs pretend to enjoy a lynching? Why does it -lift no hand or voice in protest? Only because it -would be unpopular to do it, I think; each man is -afraid of his neighbor’s disapproval--a thing which, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_245'>245</span>to the general run of the race, is more dreaded than -wounds and death. When there is to be a lynching -the people hitch up and come miles to see it, bringing -their wives and children. Really to see it? No--they -come only because they are afraid to stay at -home, lest it be noticed and offensively commented -upon. We may believe this, for we all know how -<em>we</em> feel about such spectacles--also, how we would -act under the like pressure. We are not any better -nor any braver than anybody else, and we must -not try to creep out of it.</p> - -<p class='c001'>A Savonarola can quell and scatter a mob of -lynchers with a mere glance of his eye: so can a -Merrill<a id='r7' /><a href='#f7' class='c022'><sup>[7]</sup></a> or a Beloat.<a id='r8' /><a href='#f8' class='c022'><sup>[8]</sup></a> For no mob has any sand in -the presence of a man known to be splendidly brave. -Besides, a lynching mob would <em>like</em> to be scattered, -for of a certainty there are never ten men in it who -would not prefer to be somewhere else--and would -be, if they but had the courage to go. When I was -a boy I saw a brave gentleman deride and insult a -mob and drive it away; and afterward, in Nevada, -I saw a noted desperado make two hundred men -sit still, with the house burning under them, until -he gave them permission to retire. A plucky man -can rob a whole passenger train by himself; and the -half of a brave man can hold up a stagecoach and -strip its occupants.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Then perhaps the remedy for lynchings comes to -this: station a brave man in each affected community -<span class='pageno' id='Page_246'>246</span>to encourage, support, and bring to light the deep -disapproval of lynching hidden in the secret places -of its heart--for it is there, beyond question. Then -those communities will find something better to -imitate--of course, being human, they must imitate -something. Where shall these brave men be found? -That is indeed a difficulty; there are not three -hundred of them in the earth. If merely <em>physically</em> -brave men would do, then it were easy; they could -be furnished by the cargo. When Hobson called for -seven volunteers to go with him to what promised to -be certain death, four thousand men responded--the -whole fleet, in fact. Because <em>all the world would -approve</em>. They knew that; but if Hobson’s project -had been charged with the scoffs and jeers of the -friends and associates, whose good opinion and -approval the sailors valued, he could not have got -his seven.</p> - -<p class='c001'>No, upon reflection, the scheme will not work. -There are not enough morally brave men in stock. -We are out of moral-courage material; we are in a -condition of profound poverty. We have those two -sheriffs down South who--but never mind, it is not -enough to go around; they have to stay and take -care of their own communities.</p> - -<p class='c001'>But if we only <em>could</em> have three or four more -sheriffs of that great breed! Would it help? I -think so. For we are all imitators: other brave -sheriffs would follow; to be a dauntless sheriff -would come to be recognized as the correct and only -thing, and the dreaded disapproval would fall to the -share of the other kind; courage in this office would -<span class='pageno' id='Page_247'>247</span>become custom, the absence of it a dishonor, just -as courage presently replaces the timidity of the -new soldier; then the mobs and the lynchings would -disappear, and----</p> - -<p class='c001'>However. It can never be done without some -starters, and where are we to get the starters? -Advertise? Very well, then, let us advertise.</p> - -<p class='c001'>In the meantime, there is another plan. Let us -import American missionaries from China, and send -them into the lynching field. With 1,511 of them -out there converting two Chinamen apiece per annum -against an uphill birth rate of 33,000 pagans per day,<a id='r9' /><a href='#f9' class='c022'><sup>[9]</sup></a> -it will take upward of a million years to make the -conversions balance the output and bring the Christianizing -of the country in sight to the naked eye; -therefore, if we can offer our missionaries as rich a -field at home at lighter expense and quite satisfactory -in the matter of danger, why shouldn’t they -find it fair and right to come back and give us a -trial? The Chinese are universally conceded to be -excellent people, honest, honorable, industrious, -trustworthy, kind-hearted, and all that--leave them -alone, they are plenty good enough just as they are; -and besides, almost every convert runs a risk of -catching our civilization. We ought to be careful. -We ought to think twice before we encourage a risk -like that; for, <em>once civilized, China can never be -<span class='pageno' id='Page_248'>248</span>uncivilized again</em>. We have not been thinking of -that. Very well, we ought to think of it now. Our -missionaries will find that we have a field for them--and -not only for the 1,511, but for 15,011. Let them -look at the following telegram and see if they have -anything in China that is more appetizing. It is -from Texas:</p> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'>The negro was taken to a tree and swung in the air. Wood and -fodder were piled beneath his body and a hot fire was made. -<em>Then it was suggested that the man ought not to die too quickly, -and he was let down to the ground while a party went to Dexter, -about two miles distant, to procure coal oil.</em> This was thrown on -the flames and the work completed.</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>We implore them to come back and help us in our -need. Patriotism imposes this duty on them. Our -country is worse off than China; they are our countrymen, -their motherland supplicates their aid in -this her hour of deep distress. They are competent; -our people are not. They are used to scoffs, sneers, -revilings, danger; our people are not. They have -the martyr spirit; nothing but the martyr spirit -can brave a lynching mob, and cow it and scatter it. -They can save their country, we beseech them to -come home and do it. We ask them to read that -telegram again, and yet again, and picture the scene -in their minds, and soberly ponder it; then multiply -it by 115, add 88; place the 203 in a row, allowing -600 feet of space for each human torch, so that there -may be viewing room around it for 5,000 Christian -American men, women, and children, youths and -maidens; make it night, for grim effect; have the -show in a gradually rising plain, and let the course -<span class='pageno' id='Page_249'>249</span>of the stakes be uphill; the eye can then take -in the whole line of twenty-four miles of blood-and-flesh -bonfires unbroken, whereas if it occupied level -ground the ends of the line would bend down and -be hidden from view by the curvature of the earth. -All being ready, now, and the darkness opaque, the -stillness impressive--for there should be no sound -but the soft moaning of the night wind and the -muffled sobbing of the sacrifices--let all the far -stretch of kerosened pyres be touched off simultaneously -and the glare and the shrieks and the -agonies burst heavenward to the Throne.</p> - -<p class='c001'>There are more than a million persons present; -the light from the fires flushes into vague outline -against the night the spires of five thousand churches. -O kind missionary, O compassionate missionary, -leave China! come home and convert these Christians!</p> - -<p class='c001'>I believe that if anything can stop this epidemic -of bloody insanities it is martial personalities that -can face mobs without flinching; and as such personalities -are developed only by familiarity with -danger and by the training and seasoning which -come of resisting it, the likeliest place to find them -must be among the missionaries who have been under -tuition in China during the past year or two. We -have abundance of work for them, and for hundreds -and thousands more, and the field is daily growing -and spreading. Shall we find them? We can try. -In 75,000,000 there must be other Merrills and -Beloats; and it is the law of our make that each -example shall wake up drowsing chevaliers of the -same great knighthood and bring them to the front.</p> - -<hr class='c024' /> -<div class='footnote' id='f7'> -<p class='c001'><a href='#r7'>7</a>. Sheriff of Carroll County, Georgia.</p> -</div> -<div class='footnote' id='f8'> -<p class='c001'><a href='#r8'>8</a>. Sheriff, Princeton, Indiana. By that formidable power which -lies in an established reputation for cold pluck they faced lynching -mobs and securely held the field against them.</p> -</div> -<div class='footnote' id='f9'> -<p class='c001'><a href='#r9'>9</a>. These figures are not fanciful; all of them are genuine and -authentic. They are from official missionary records in China. -See Doctor Morrison’s book on his pedestrian journey across China; -he quotes them and gives his authorities. For several years he has -been the London <cite>Times’s</cite> representative in Peking, and was there -through the siege.</p> -</div> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_250'>250</span> - <h2 class='c007'>TO THE PERSON SITTING IN DARKNESS <br /> <span class='small'>(<cite>North American Review</cite>, 1901)</span></h2> -</div> - -<p class='c011'>See introduction to this volume for some account -of this and the following article.</p> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'>Christmas will dawn in the United States over a people full of -hope and aspiration and good cheer. Such a condition means -contentment and happiness. The carping grumbler who may -here and there go forth will find few to listen to him. The -majority will wonder what is the matter with him and pass -on.--New York <cite>Tribune</cite>, on Christmas Eve.</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>From the <cite>Sun</cite>, of New York:</p> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'>The purpose of this article is not to describe the terrible -offenses against humanity committed in the name of Politics -in some of the most notorious East Side districts. <em>They could -not be described, even verbally.</em> But it is the intention to let the -great mass of more or less careless citizens of this beautiful -metropolis of the New World get some conception of the havoc -and ruin wrought to man, woman, and child in the most densely -populated and least-known section of the city. Name, date, and -place can be supplied to those of little faith--or to any man who -feels himself aggrieved. It is a plain statement of record and -observation, written without license and without garnish.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Imagine, if you can, a section of the city territory completely -dominated by one man, without whose permission neither legitimate -nor illegitimate business can be conducted; <em>where illegitimate -business is encouraged and legitimate business discouraged</em>; -where the respectable residents have to fasten their doors and -windows summer nights and sit in their rooms with asphyxiating -air and 100-degree temperature, rather than try to catch the -faint whiff of breeze in their natural breathing places, the stoops -of their homes; <em>where naked women dance by night in the streets, -and unsexed men prowl like vultures through the darkness on -“business”</em> not only permitted but encouraged by the police; -<span class='pageno' id='Page_251'>251</span><em>where the education of infants begins with the knowledge of prostitution</em> -and the training of little girls is training in the arts of -Phryne; where <em>American</em> girls brought up with the refinements -of <em>American</em> homes are imported from small towns up-state, -Massachusetts, Connecticut, and New Jersey, and kept as -virtually prisoners as if they were locked up behind jail bars -until they have lost all semblance of womanhood; <em>where small -boys are taught to solicit for the women of disorderly houses</em>; where -there is an organized society of young men <em>whose sole business -in life is to corrupt young girls and turn them over to bawdy houses</em>; -where men walking with their wives along the street are openly -insulted; <em>where children that have adult diseases are the chief -patrons of the hospitals and dispensaries</em>; where it is the rule, -rather than the exception, that <em>murder, rape, robbery, and theft -go unpunished</em>--in short where the Premium of the most awful -forms of Vice is the Profit of the politicians.</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>The following news from China appeared in the -<cite>Sun</cite>, of New York, on Christmas Eve. The italics -are mine:</p> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'>The Rev. Mr. Ament, of the American Board of Foreign -Missions, has returned from a trip which he made for the purpose -of collecting indemnities for damages done by Boxers. -<em>Everywhere he went he compelled the Chinese to pay.</em> He says -that all his native Christians are now provided for. He had -700 of them under his charge, and 300 were killed. He has -<em>collected 300 taels for each</em> of these murders, and has <em>compelled -full payment for all the property belonging to Christians</em> that was -destroyed. He also assessed <em>fines</em> amounting to <span class='fss'>THIRTEEN -TIMES</span> the amount of the indemnity. <em>This money will be used -for the propagation of the Gospel.</em></p> - -<p class='c001'>Mr. Ament declares that the compensation he has collected -is <em>moderate</em> when compared with the amount secured by the -Catholics, who demand, in addition to money, <em>head for head</em>. -They collect 500 taels for each murder of a Catholic. In the -Wenchiu country, 680 Catholics were killed, and for this the -European Catholics here demand 750,000 strings of cash and -680 <em>heads</em>.</p> - -<p class='c001'>In the course of a conversation, Mr. Ament referred to the -attitude of the missionaries toward the Chinese. He said:</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_252'>252</span>“I deny emphatically that the missionaries are <em>vindictive</em>, that -they <em>generally</em> looted, or that they have done anything <em>since</em> -the siege that <em>the circumstances did not demand</em>. I criticize the -Americans. <em>The soft hand of the Americans is not as good as -the mailed fist of the Germans.</em> If you deal with the Chinese -with a soft hand they will take advantage of it.</p> - -<p class='c001'>“The statement that the French government will return the -loot taken by the French soldiers is the source of the greatest -amusement here. The French soldiers were more systematic -looters than the Germans, and it is a fact that to-day <em>Catholic -Christians</em>, carrying French flags and armed with modern guns, -<em>are looting villages</em> in the Province of Chili.”</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>By happy luck, we get all these glad tidings on -Christmas Eve--just in time enable us to celebrate -the day with proper gayety and enthusiasm. Our -spirits soar, and we find we can even make jokes: -Taels, I win, Heads you lose.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Our Reverend Ament is the right man in the right -place. What we want of our missionaries out there -is, not that they shall merely represent in their acts -and persons the grace and gentleness and charity -and loving-kindness of our religion, but that they -shall also represent the American spirit. The oldest -Americans are the Pawnees. Macallum’s History says:</p> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'>When a white Boxer kills a Pawnee and destroys his property, -the other Pawnees do not trouble to seek <em>him</em> out, they kill any -white person that comes along; also, they make some white -village pay deceased’s heirs the full cash value of deceased, -together with full cash value of the property destroyed; they -also make the village pay, in addition, <em>thirteen times</em> the value -of that property into a fund for the dissemination of the Pawnee -religion, which they regard as the best of all religions for the -softening and humanizing of the heart of man. It is their idea -that it is only fair and right that the innocent should be made -to suffer for the guilty, and that it is better that ninety and nine -innocent should suffer than that one guilty person should escape.</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_253'>253</span>Our Reverend Ament is justifiably jealous of those -enterprising Catholics, who not only get big money -for each lost convert, but get “head for head” -besides. But he should soothe himself with the -reflections that the entirety of their exactions are -for their own pockets, whereas he, less selfishly, -devotes only 300 taels per head to that service, and -gives the whole vast thirteen repetitions of the -property-indemnity to the service of propagating -the Gospel. His magnanimity has won him the -approval of his nation, and will get him a monument. -Let him be content with these rewards. We all -hold him dear for manfully defending his fellow -missionaries from exaggerated charges which were -beginning to distress us, but which his testimony -has so considerably modified that we can now contemplate -them without noticeable pain. For now -we know that, even before the siege, the missionaries -were not “generally” out looting, and that, “since -the siege,” they have acted quite handsomely, -except when “circumstances” crowded them. I -am arranging for the monument. Subscriptions for -it can be sent to the American Board; designs for -it can be sent to me. Designs must allegorically -set forth the Thirteen Reduplications of the Indemnity, -and the Object for which they were exacted; -as Ornaments, the designs must exhibit 680 Heads, -so disposed as to give a pleasing and pretty effect; -for the Catholics have done nicely, and are entitled -to notice in the monument. Mottoes may be suggested, -if any shall be discovered that will satisfactorily -cover the ground.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_254'>254</span>Mr. Ament’s financial feat of squeezing a thirteenfold -indemnity out of the pauper peasants to square -other people’s offenses, thus condemning them and -their women and innocent little children to inevitable -starvation and lingering death, in order that the -blood money so acquired might be “<em>used for the -propagation of the Gospel</em>,” does not flutter my -serenity; although the act and the words, taken -together, concrete a blasphemy so hideous and so -colossal that, without doubt, its mate is not findable -in the history of this or of any other age. Yet, if a -layman had done that thing and justified it with -those words, I should have shuddered, I know. Or, -if I had done the thing and said the words myself--However, -the thought is unthinkable, irreverent as -some imperfectly informed people think me. Sometimes -an ordained minister sets out to be blasphemous. -When this happens, the layman is out of the -running; he stands no chance.</p> - -<p class='c001'>We have Mr. Ament’s impassioned assurance -that the missionaries are not “vindictive.” Let -us hope and pray that they will never become -so, but will remain in the almost morbidly fair -and just and gentle temper which is affording -so much satisfaction to their brother and champion -to-day.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The following is from the New York <cite>Tribune</cite> of -Christmas Eve. It comes from that journal’s Tokyo -correspondent. It has a strange and impudent -sound, but the Japanese are but partially civilized -as yet. When they become wholly civilized they -will not talk so:</p> - -<div><span class='pageno' id='Page_255'>255</span></div> -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'>The missionary question, of course, occupies a foremost place -in the discussion. It is now felt as essential that the Western -Powers take cognizance of the sentiment here, that religious -invasions of Oriental countries by powerful Western organizations -are tantamount to filibustering expeditions, and should -not only be discountenanced, but that stern measures should -be adopted for their suppression. The feeling here is that the -missionary organizations constitute a constant menace to peaceful -international relations.</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'><i>Shall we?</i> That is, shall we go on conferring our -Civilization upon the peoples that sit in darkness, -or shall we give those poor things a rest? Shall we -bang right ahead in our old-time, loud, pious way, -and commit the new century to the game; or shall -we sober up and sit down and think it over first? -Would it not be prudent to get our Civilization -tools together, and see how much stock is left on -hand in the way of Glass Beads and Theology, and -Maxim Guns and Hymn Books, and Trade Gin and -Torches of Progress and Enlightenment (patent -adjustable ones, good to fire villages with, upon -occasion), and balance the books, and arrive at the -profit and loss, so that we may intelligently decide -whether to continue the business or sell out the -property and start a new Civilization Scheme on the -proceeds?</p> - -<p class='c001'>Extending the Blessings of Civilization to our -Brother who Sits in Darkness has been a good trade -and has paid well, on the whole; and there is money -in it yet, if carefully worked--but not enough, in -my judgment, to make any considerable risk advisable. -The People that Sit in Darkness are getting -to be too scarce--too scarce and too shy. And such -<span class='pageno' id='Page_256'>256</span>darkness as is now left is really of but an indifferent -quality, and not dark enough for the game. The -most of those People that Sit in Darkness have been -furnished with more light than was good for them or -profitable for us. We have been injudicious.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The Blessings-of-Civilization Trust, wisely and -cautiously administered, is a Daisy. There is more -money in it, more territory, more sovereignty, and -other kinds of emolument, than there is in any other -game that is played. But Christendom has been -playing it badly of late years, and must certainly -suffer by it, in my opinion. She has been so eager -to get every stake that appeared on the green cloth, -that the People who Sit in Darkness have noticed -it--they have noticed it, and have begun to show -alarm. They have become suspicious of the Blessings -of Civilization. More--they have begun to -examine them. This is not well. The Blessings of -Civilization are all right, and a good commercial -property; there could not be a better, in a dim light. -In the right kind of a light, and at a proper distance, -with the goods a little out of focus, they furnish -this desirable exhibit to the Gentlemen who Sit in -Darkness:</p> - -<table class='table1' summary=''> -<colgroup> -<col width='50%' /> -<col width='50%' /> -</colgroup> - <tr> - <td class='c028'><span class='sc'>Love</span>,</td> - <td class='c029'><span class='sc'>Law and Order</span>,</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c028'><span class='sc'>Justice</span>,</td> - <td class='c029'><span class='sc'>Liberty</span>,</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c028'><span class='sc'>Gentleness</span>,</td> - <td class='c029'><span class='sc'>Equality</span>,</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c028'><span class='sc'>Christianity</span>,</td> - <td class='c029'><span class='sc'>Honorable Dealing</span>,</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c028'><span class='sc'>Protection to the Weak</span>,</td> - <td class='c029'><span class='sc'>Mercy</span>,</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c028'><span class='sc'>Temperance</span>,</td> - <td class='c029'><span class='sc'>Education</span>,</td> - </tr> - <tr><td class='c030' colspan='2'>--and so on.</td></tr> -</table> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_257'>257</span>There. Is it good? Sir, it is pie. It will bring -into camp any idiot that sits in darkness anywhere. -But not if we adulterate it. It is proper to be -emphatic upon that point. This brand is strictly -for Export--apparently. <em>Apparently.</em> Privately -and confidentially, it is nothing of the kind. Privately -and confidentially, it is merely an outside cover, -gay and pretty and attractive, displaying the special -patterns of our Civilization which we reserve for -Home Consumption, while <em>inside</em> the bale is the -Actual Thing that the Customer Sitting in Darkness -buys with his blood and tears and land and liberty. -That Actual Thing is, indeed, Civilization, but it is -only for Export. Is there a difference between the -two brands? In some of the details, yes.</p> - -<p class='c001'>We all know that the Business is being ruined. -The reason is not far to seek. It is because our Mr. -McKinley, and Mr. Chamberlain, and the Kaiser, -and the Tsar and the French have been exporting the -Actual Thing <em>with the outside cover left off</em>. This is -bad for the Game. It shows that these new players -of it are not sufficiently acquainted with it.</p> - -<p class='c001'>It is a distress to look on and note the mismoves, -they are so strange and so awkward. Mr. Chamberlain -manufactures a war out of materials so inadequate -and so fanciful that they make the boxes -grieve and the gallery laugh, and he tries hard to -persuade himself that it isn’t purely a private raid -for cash, but has a sort of dim, vague respectability -about it somewhere, if he could only find the spot; -and that, by and by, he can scour the flag clean -again after he has finished dragging it through the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_258'>258</span>mud, and make it shine and flash in the vault of -heaven once more as it had shone and flashed there -a thousand years in the world’s respect until he laid -his unfaithful hand upon it. It is bad play--bad. -For it exposes the Actual Thing to Them that Sit -in Darkness, and they say: “What! Christian -against Christian? And only for money? Is <em>this</em> -a case of magnanimity, forbearance, love, gentleness, -mercy, protection of the weak--this strange and -overshowy onslaught of an elephant upon a nest of -field mice, on the pretext that the mice had squeaked -an insolence at him--conduct which “no self-respecting -government could allow to pass unavenged”? -as Mr. Chamberlain said. Was that a -good pretext in a small case, when it had not been -a good pretext in a large one?--for only recently -Russia had affronted the elephant three times and -survived alive and unsmitten. Is this Civilization -and Progress? Is it something better than we already -possess? These harryings and burnings and desert-makings -in the Transvaal--is this an improvement -on our darkness? Is it, perhaps, possible that there -are two kinds of Civilization--one for home consumption -and one for the heathen market?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>Then They that Sit in Darkness are troubled, and -shake their heads; and they read this extract from -a letter of a British private, recounting his exploits -in one of Methuen’s victories, some days before -the affair of Magersfontein, and they are troubled -again:</p> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'>We tore up the hill and into the intrenchments, and the Boers -saw we had them; so they dropped their guns and went down -<span class='pageno' id='Page_259'>259</span>on their knees and put up their hands clasped, and begged for -mercy. And we gave it them--<em>with the long spoon</em>.</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>The long spoon is the bayonet. See <cite>Lloyd’s -Weekly</cite>, London, of those days. The same number--and -the same column--contained some quite unconscious -satire in the form of shocked and bitter -upbraidings of the Boers for their brutalities and -inhumanities!</p> - -<p class='c001'>Next, to our heavy damage, the Kaiser went to -playing the game without first mastering it. He -lost a couple of missionaries in a riot in Shantung, -and in his account he made an overcharge for them. -China had to pay a hundred thousand dollars apiece -for them, in money; twelve miles of territory, containing -several millions of inhabitants and worth -twenty million dollars; and to build a monument, -and also a Christian church; whereas the people of -China could have been depended upon to remember -the missionaries without the help of these expensive -memorials. This was all bad play. Bad, because -it would not, and could not, and will not now or -ever, deceive the Person Sitting in Darkness. He -knows that it was an overcharge. He knows that -a missionary is like any other man: he is worth -merely what you can supply his place for, and no -more. He is useful, but so is a doctor, so is a sheriff, -so is an editor; but a just Emperor does not charge -war prices for such. A diligent, intelligent, but -obscure missionary, and a diligent, intelligent country -editor are worth much, and we know it; but -they are not worth the earth. We esteem such an -editor, and we are sorry to see him go; but, when he -<span class='pageno' id='Page_260'>260</span>goes, we should consider twelve miles of territory, -and a church, and a fortune, overcompensation for -his loss. I mean, if he was a Chinese editor, and we -had to settle for him. It is no proper figure for an -editor or a missionary; one can get shop-worn kings -for less. It was bad play on the Kaiser’s part. It -got this property, true; but it <em>produced the Chinese -revolt</em>, the indignant uprising of China’s traduced -patriots, the Boxers. The results have been expensive -to Germany, and to the other Disseminators of -Progress and the Blessings of Civilization.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The <a id='corr260.12'></a><span class='htmlonly'><ins class='correction' title='Kasier’s'>Kaiser’s</ins></span><span class='epubonly'><a href='#c_260.12'><ins class='correction' title='Kasier’s'>Kaiser’s</ins></a></span> claim was paid, yet it was bad play, -for it could not fail to have an evil effect upon -Persons Sitting in Darkness in China. They would -muse upon the event, and be likely to say: “Civilization -is gracious and beautiful, for such is its reputation; -but can we afford it? There are rich Chinamen, -perhaps they can afford it; but this tax is not laid -upon them, it is laid upon the peasants of Shantung; -it is they that must pay this mighty sum, and their -wages are but four cents a day. Is this a better -civilization than ours, and holier and higher and -nobler? Is not this rapacity? Is not this extortion? -Would Germany charge America two hundred thousand -dollars for two missionaries, and shake the -mailed fist in her face, and send warships, and send -soldiers, and say: ‘Seize twelve miles of territory, -worth twenty millions of dollars, as additional pay -for the missionaries; and make those peasants build -a monument to the missionaries, and a costly -Christian church to remember them by?’ And later -would Germany say to her soldiers: ‘March through -<span class='pageno' id='Page_261'>261</span>America and slay, <em>giving no quarter</em>; make the German -face there, as has been our Hun-face here, a terror -for a thousand years; march through the Great -Republic and slay, slay, slay, carving a road for -our offended religion through its heart and bowels?’ -Would Germany do like this to America, to England, -to France, to Russia? Or only to China, the helpless--imitating -the elephant’s assault upon the field -mice? Had we better invest in this Civilization--this -Civilization which called Napoleon a buccaneer -for carrying off Venice’s bronze horses, but which -steals our ancient astronomical instruments from -our walls, and goes looting like common bandits--that -is, all the alien soldiers except America’s; and -(Americans again excepted) storms frightened villages -and cables the result to glad journals at home -every day: ‘Chinese losses, 450 killed; ours, <em>one -officer and two men wounded</em>. Shall proceed against -neighboring village to-morrow, where a <em>massacre</em> is -reported.’ Can we afford Civilization?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>And next Russia must go and play the game -injudiciously. She affronts England once or twice--with -the Person Sitting in Darkness observing -and noting; by moral assistance of France and Germany, -she robs Japan of her hard-earned spoil, all -swimming in Chinese blood--Port Arthur--with the -Person again observing and noting; then she seizes -Manchuria, raids its villages, and chokes its great -river with the swollen corpses of countless massacred -peasants--that astonished Person still observing and -noting. And perhaps he is saying to himself: “It -is yet <em>another</em> Civilized Power, with its banner of the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_262'>262</span>Prince of Peace in one hand and its loot basket and -its butcher knife in the other. Is there no salvation -for us but to adopt Civilization and lift ourselves -down to its level?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>And by and by comes America, and our Master of -the Game plays it badly--plays it as Mr. Chamberlain -was playing it in South Africa. It was a mistake -to do that; also, it was one which was quite unlooked -for in a Master who was playing it so well in Cuba. -In Cuba, he was playing the usual and regular -<em>American</em> game, and it was winning, for there is -no way to beat it. The Master, contemplating -Cuba, said: “Here is an oppressed and friendless -little nation which is willing to fight to be free; -we go partners, and put up the strength of seventy -million sympathizers and the resources of the United -States: play!” Nothing but Europe combined -could call that hand: and Europe cannot combine -on anything. There, in Cuba, he was following our -great traditions in a way which made us very proud -of him, and proud of the deep dissatisfaction which -his play was provoking in continental Europe. Moved -by a high inspiration, he threw out those stirring -words which proclaimed that forcible annexation -would be “criminal aggression”; and in that utterance -fired another “shot heard round the world.” -The memory of that fine saying will be outlived by -the remembrance of no act of his but one--that he -forgot it within the twelvemonth, and its honorable -gospel along with it.</p> - -<p class='c001'>For, presently, came the Philippine temptation. -It was strong; it was too strong, and he made that -<span class='pageno' id='Page_263'>263</span>bad mistake: he played the European game, the -Chamberlain game. It was a pity; it was a great -pity, that error; that one grievous error, that irrevocable -error. For it was the very place and time -to play the American game again. And at no cost. -Rich winnings to be gathered in, too; rich and -permanent; indestructible; a fortune transmissible -forever to the children of the flag. Not land, not -money, not dominion--no, something worth many -times more than that dross: our share, the spectacle -of a nation of long harassed and persecuted slaves -set free through our influence; our posterity’s share, -the golden memory of that fair deed. The game -was in our hands. If it had been played according -to the American rules, Dewey would have sailed -away from Manila as soon as he had destroyed the -Spanish fleet--after putting up a sign on shore -guaranteeing foreign property and life against damage -by the Filipinos, and warning the Powers that -interference with the emancipated patriots would be -regarded as an act unfriendly to the United States. -The Powers cannot combine, in even a bad cause, -and the sign would not have been molested.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Dewey could have gone about his affairs elsewhere, -and left the competent Filipino army to starve out -the little Spanish garrison and send it home, and the -Filipino citizens to set up the form of government -they might prefer, and deal with the friars and their -doubtful acquisitions according to Filipino ideas of -fairness and justice--ideas which have since been -tested and found to be of as high an order as any -that prevail in Europe or America.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_264'>264</span>But we played the Chamberlain game, and lost -the chance to add another Cuba and another honorable -deed to our good record.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The more we examine the mistake, the more clearly -we perceive that it is going to be bad for the Business. -The Person Sitting in Darkness is almost sure to say: -“There is something curious about this--curious and -unaccountable. There must be two Americas: one -that sets the captive free, and one that takes a once-captive’s -new freedom away from him, and picks a -quarrel with him with nothing to found it on; then -kills him to get his land.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>The truth is, the Person Sitting in Darkness <em>is</em> -saying things like that; and for the sake of the -Business we must persuade him to look at the -Philippine matter in another and healthier way. We -must arrange his opinions for him. I believe it can -be done; for Mr. Chamberlain has arranged England’s -opinion of the South African matter, and done -it most cleverly and successfully. He presented the -facts--some of the facts--and showed those confiding -people what the facts meant. He did it statistically, -which is a good way. He used the formula: -“Twice 2 are 14, and 2 from 9 leaves 35.” Figures -are effective; figures will convince the elect.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Now, my plan is a still bolder one than Mr. -Chamberlain’s, though apparently a copy of it. Let -us be franker than Mr. Chamberlain; let us audaciously -present the whole of the facts, shirking none, -then explain them according to Mr. Chamberlain’s -formula. This daring truthfulness will astonish and -dazzle the Person Sitting in Darkness, and he will -<span class='pageno' id='Page_265'>265</span>take the Explanation down before his mental vision -has had time to get back into focus. Let us say -to him:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Our case is simple. On the 1st of May, Dewey -destroyed the Spanish fleet. This left the Archipelago -in the hands of its proper and rightful owners, -the Filipino nation. Their army numbered 30,000 -men, and they were competent to whip out or starve -out the little Spanish garrison; then the people -could set up a government of their own devising. -Our traditions required that Dewey should now set -up his warning sign, and go away. But the Master -of the Game happened to think of another plan--the -European plan. He acted upon it. This was, -to send out an army--ostensibly to help the native -patriots put the finishing touch upon their long and -plucky struggle for independence, but really to take -their land away from them and keep it. That is, -in the interest of Progress and Civilization. The -plan developed, stage by stage, and quite satisfactorily. -We entered into a military alliance with the -trusting Filipinos, and they hemmed in Manila on -the land side, and by their valuable help the place, -with its garrison of 8,000 or 10,000 Spaniards, was -captured--a thing which we could not have accomplished -unaided at that time. We got their help by--by -ingenuity. We knew they were fighting for -their independence, and that they had been at it -for two years. We knew they supposed that we -also were fighting in their worthy cause--just as we had -helped the Cubans fight for Cuban independence--and -we allowed them to go on thinking so. <em>Until -<span class='pageno' id='Page_266'>266</span>Manila was ours and we could get along without them.</em> -Then we showed our hand. Of course, they were -surprised--that was natural; surprised and disappointed; -disappointed and grieved. To them it -looked un-American; uncharacteristic; foreign to -our established traditions. And this was natural, -too; for we were only playing the American Game -in public--in private it was the European. It was -neatly done, very neatly, and it bewildered them. -They could not understand it; for we had been so -friendly--so affectionate, even--with those simple-minded -patriots! We, our own selves, had brought -back out of exile their leader, their hero, their hope, -their Washington--Aguinaldo; brought him in a -warship, in high honor, under the sacred shelter and -hospitality of the flag; brought him back and restored -him to his people, and got their moving and eloquent -gratitude for it. Yes, we had been so friendly to -them, and had heartened them up in so many ways! -We had lent them guns and ammunition; advised -with them; exchanged pleasant courtesies with them; -placed our sick and wounded in their kindly care; -intrusted our Spanish prisoners to their humane and -honest hands; fought shoulder to shoulder with -them against “the common enemy” (our own -phrase); praised their courage, praised their gallantry, -praised their mercifulness, praised their fine -and honorable conduct; borrowed their trenches, -borrowed strong positions which they had previously -captured from the Spaniards; petted them, lied to -them--officially proclaiming that our land and naval -forces came to give them their freedom and displace -<span class='pageno' id='Page_267'>267</span>the bad Spanish Government--fooled them, used -them until we needed them no longer; then derided -the sucked orange and threw it away. We kept the -positions which we had beguiled them of; by and -by, we moved a force forward and overlapped patriot -ground--a clever thought, for we needed trouble, -and this would produce it. A Filipino soldier, crossing -the ground, where no one had a right to forbid -him, was shot by our sentry. The badgered patriots -resented this with arms, without waiting to know -whether Aguinaldo, who was absent, would approve -or not. Aguinaldo did not approve; but that availed -nothing. What we wanted, in the interest of Progress -and Civilization, was the Archipelago, unencumbered -by patriots struggling for independence; and -War was what we needed. We clinched our opportunity. -It is Mr. Chamberlain’s case over again--at -least in its motive and intention; and we played -the game as adroitly as he played it himself.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>At this point in our frank statement of fact to the -Person Sitting in Darkness, we should throw in a -little trade taffy about the Blessings of Civilization--for -a change, and for the refreshment of his spirit--then -go on with our tale:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“We and the patriots having captured Manila, -Spain’s ownership of the Archipelago and her sovereignty -over it were at an end--obliterated--annihilated--not -a rag or shred of either remaining -behind. It was then that we conceived the divinely -humorous idea of <em>buying</em> both of these specters from -Spain! [It is quite safe to confess this to the Person -Sitting in Darkness, since neither he nor any other -<span class='pageno' id='Page_268'>268</span>sane person will believe it.] In buying those ghosts -for twenty millions, we also contracted to take care -of the friars and their accumulations. I think we -also agreed to propagate leprosy and smallpox, but as -to this there is doubt. But it is not important; persons -afflicted with the friars do not mind other diseases.</p> - -<p class='c001'>“With our Treaty ratified, Manila subdued, and our -Ghosts secured, we had no further use for Aguinaldo -and the owners of the Archipelago. We forced a -war, and we have been hunting America’s guest and -ally through the woods and swamps ever since.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>At this point in the tale, it will be well to boast a -little of our war work and our <a id='corr268.13'></a><span class='htmlonly'><ins class='correction' title='heriosms'>heroisms</ins></span><span class='epubonly'><a href='#c_268.13'><ins class='correction' title='heriosms'>heroisms</ins></a></span> in the field, -so as to make our performance look as fine as -England’s in South Africa; but I believe it will not -be best to emphasize this too much. We must be -cautious. Of course, we must read the war telegrams -to the Person, in order to keep up our frankness; but -we can throw an air of humorousness over them, and -that will modify their grim eloquence a little, and -their rather indiscret exhibitions of gory exultation. -Before reading to him the following display heads -of the dispatches of November 18, 1900, it will be -well to practice on them in private first, so as to get -the right tang of lightness and gayety into them:</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>“ADMINISTRATION WEARY OF</div> - <div>PROTRACTED HOSTILITIES!”</div> - <div class='c000'>“REAL WAR AHEAD FOR FILIPINO</div> - <div>REBELS!”<a id='r10' /><a href='#f10' class='c022'><sup>[10]</sup></a></div> - <div class='c000'><span class='pageno' id='Page_269'>269</span>“WILL SHOW NO MERCY!”</div> - <div>“KITCHENER’S PLAN ADOPTED!”</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c001'>Kitchener knows how to handle disagreeable -people who are fighting for their homes and their -liberties, and we must let on that we are merely -imitating Kitchener, and have no national interest -in the matter, further than to get ourselves admired -by the Great Family of Nations, in which august -company our Master of the Game has bought a place -for us in the back row.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Of course, we must not venture to ignore our -General MacArthur’s reports--oh, why do they keep -on printing those embarrassing things?--we must -drop them trippingly from the tongue and take the -chances:</p> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'>During the last ten months our losses have been 268 killed -and 750 wounded; Filipino loss, <em>three thousand two hundred and -twenty-seven killed</em>, and 694 wounded.</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>We must stand ready to grab the Person Sitting -in Darkness, for he will swoon away at this confession, -saying: “Good God! those ‘niggers’ spare their -wounded, and the Americans massacre theirs!”</p> - -<p class='c001'>We must bring him to, and coax him and coddle -him, and assure him that the ways of Providence are -best, and that it would not become us to find fault -with them; and then, to show him that we are only -imitators, not originators, we must read the following -passage from the letter of an American soldier lad in -the Philippines to his mother, published in <cite>Public -Opinion</cite>, of Decorah, Iowa, describing the finish of -a victorious battle:</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_270'>270</span>“<span class='sc'>We never left one alive. If one was -wounded, we would run our bayonets through -him.</span>”</p> - -<p class='c001'>Having now laid all the historical facts before the -Person Sitting in Darkness, we should bring him to -again, and explain them to him. We should say to -him:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“They look doubtful, but in reality they are not. -There have been lies; yes, but they were told in a -good cause. We have been treacherous; but that -was only in order that real good might come out of -apparent evil. True, we have crushed a deceived -and confiding people; we have turned against the -weak and the friendless who trusted us; we have -stamped out a just and intelligent and well-ordered -republic; we have stabbed an ally in the back and -slapped the face of a guest; we have bought a -Shadow from an enemy that hadn’t it to sell; we -have robbed a trusting friend of his land and his -liberty; we have invited our clean young men to -shoulder a discredited musket and do bandits’ work -under a flag which bandits have been accustomed to -fear, not to follow; we have debauched America’s -honor and blackened her face before the world; but -each detail was for the best. We know this. The -Head of every State and Sovereignty in Christendom -and 90 per cent of every legislative body in Christendom, -including our Congress and our fifty state -legislatures, are members not only of the church, -but also of the Blessings-of-Civilization Trust. This -world-girdling accumulation of trained morals, high -principles, and justice cannot do an unright thing, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_271'>271</span>an unfair thing, an ungenerous thing, an unclean -thing. It knows what it is about. Give yourself -no uneasiness; it is all right.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>Now then, that will convince the Person. You will -see. It will restore the Business. Also, it will elect -the Master of the Game to the vacant place in the -Trinity of our national gods; and there on their -high thrones the Three will sit, age after age, in the -people’s sight, each bearing the Emblem of his -service: Washington, the Sword of the Liberator; -Lincoln, the Slave’s Broken Chains; the Master, -the Chains Repaired.</p> - -<p class='c001'>It will give the Business a splendid new start. -You will see.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Everything is prosperous, now; everything is just -as we should wish it. We have got the Archipelago, -and we shall never give it up. Also, we have every -reason to hope that we shall have an opportunity -before very long to slip out of our congressional -contract with Cuba and give her something better -in the place of it. It is a rich country, and many -of us are already beginning to see that the contract -was a sentimental mistake. But now--right now--is -the best time to do some profitable rehabilitating -work--work that will set us up and make us comfortable, -and discourage gossip. We cannot conceal -from ourselves that, privately, we are a little troubled -about our uniform. It is one of our prides; it is -acquainted with honor; it is familiar with great deeds -and noble; we love it, we revere it; and so this -errand it is on makes us uneasy. And our flag--another -pride of ours, our chiefest! We have worshiped -<span class='pageno' id='Page_272'>272</span>it so; and when we have seen it in far lands--glimpsing -it unexpectedly in that strange sky, waving -its welcome and benediction to us--we have -caught our breaths, and uncovered our heads, and -couldn’t speak, for a moment, for the thought of -what it was to us and the great ideals it stood for. -Indeed, we <em>must</em> do something about these things; it -is easily managed. We can have a special one--our -states do it: we can have just our usual flag, with -the white stripes painted black and the stars replaced -by the skull and crossbones.</p> - -<p class='c001'>And we do not need that Civil Commission out -there. Having no powers, it has to invent them, -and that kind of work cannot be effectively done by -just anybody; an expert is required. Mr. Croker -can be spared. We do not want the United States -represented there, but only the Game.</p> - -<p class='c001'>By help of these suggested amendments, Progress -and Civilization in that country can have a boom, -and it will take in the Persons who are Sitting in -Darkness, and we can resume Business at the old -stand.</p> - -<hr class='c024' /> -<div class='footnote' id='f10'> -<p class='c001'><a href='#r10'>10</a>. “Rebels!” Mumble that funny word--don’t let the Person -catch it distinctly.</p> -</div> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_273'>273</span> - <h2 class='c007'>TO MY MISSIONARY CRITICS <br /> <span class='small'>(<cite>North American Review</cite>, 1901)</span></h2> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_0_0_4 c014'>I have received many newspaper cuttings; also -letters from several clergymen; also a note from -the Rev. Dr. Judson Smith, Corresponding Secretary -of the American Board of Foreign Missions--all of -a like tenor; all saying, substantially, what is said -in the cutting here copied:</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>AN APOLOGY DUE FROM MR. CLEMENS</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'>The evidence of the past day or two should induce Mark -Twain to make for the amen corner and formulate a prompt -apology for his scathing attack on the Rev. Dr. Ament, the -veteran Chinese missionary. The assault was based on a Peking -dispatch to the New York <cite>Sun</cite>, which said that Dr. Ament had -collected from the Chinese in various places damages thirteen -times in excess of actual losses. So Mark Twain charged Mr. -Ament with bullyragging, extortion, and things. A Peking -dispatch to the <cite>Sun</cite> yesterday, however, explains that the amount -collected was not thirteen times the damage sustained, but <em>one-third -in excess of the indemnities</em>, and that the blunder was due -to a cable error in transmission. The 1-3d got converted into -13. Yesterday the Rev. Judson Smith, Secretary of the American -Board, received a dispatch from Dr. Ament, calling attention -to the cable blunder, and declaring that all the collections which -he made were <em>approved by the Chinese officials</em>. The fractional -amount that was collected in excess of actual losses, he explains, -is being <em>used for the support of widows and orphans</em>.</p> - -<p class='c001'>So collapses completely--and convulsively--Mark Twain’s -sensational and ugly bombardment of a missionary whose -character and services should have exempted him from such an -assault.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_274'>274</span>From the charge the underpinning has been knocked out. -To Dr. Ament Mr. Clemens has done an injustice which is gross -but unintentional. If Mark Twain is the man we take him to -be he won’t be long in filing a retraction, plus an apology.</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>I have no prejudice against apologies. I trust I -shall never withhold one when it is due; I trust I -shall never even have a disposition to do so. These -letters and newspaper paragraphs are entitled to my -best attention; respect for their writers and for the -humane feeling which has prompted their utterances -requires this of me. It may be barely possible that, -if these requests for an apology had reached me before -the 20th of February, I might have had a sort of -qualified chance to apologize; but on that day -appeared the two little cablegrams referred to in the -newspaper cutting copied above--one from the Rev. -Dr. Smith to the Rev. Dr. Ament, the other from -Dr. Ament to Dr. Smith--and my small chance died -then. In my opinion, these cablegrams ought to have -been suppressed, for it seems clear that they give -Dr. Ament’s case entirely away. Still, that is only -an opinion, and may be a mistake. It will be best -to examine the case from the beginning, by the light -of the documents connected with it.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>EXHIBIT A</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c001'>This is a dispatch from Mr. Chamberlain,<a id='r11' /><a href='#f11' class='c022'><sup>[11]</sup></a> chief of -the <cite>Sun’s</cite> correspondence staff in Peking. It appeared -in the <cite>Sun</cite> last Christmas Eve, and in referring to -it hereafter I will call it the “C. E. dispatch” for -short:</p> - -<div><span class='pageno' id='Page_275'>275</span></div> -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'>The Rev. Mr. Ament, of the American Board of Foreign -Missions, has returned from a trip which he made for the purpose -of collecting indemnities for damages done by Boxers. -Everywhere he went he compelled the Chinese to pay. He says -that all his native Christians are now provided for. He had -seven hundred of them under his charge, and three hundred -were killed. He has collected 300 taels for each of these murders, -and has compelled full payment for all the property belonging -to Christians that was destroyed. He also assessed fines amounting -to thirteen times<a id='r12' /><a href='#f12' class='c022'><sup>[12]</sup></a> the amount of the indemnity. This -money will be used for the propagation of the Gospel.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Mr. Ament declares that the compensation he has collected -is moderate when compared with the amount secured by the -Catholics, who demand, in addition to money, head for head. -They collect 500 taels for each murder of a Catholic. In the -Wen-Chiu country 680 Catholics were killed, and for this the -European Catholics here demand 750,000 strings of cash and 680 -heads.</p> - -<p class='c001'>In the course of a conversation Mr. Ament referred to the -attitude of the missionaries toward the Chinese. He said:</p> - -<p class='c001'><a id='corr275.21'></a><span class='htmlonly'><ins class='correction' title='I'>“I</ins></span><span class='epubonly'><a href='#c_275.21'><ins class='correction' title='I'>“I</ins></a></span> deny emphatically that the missionaries are vindictive, that -they generally looted, or that they have done anything since the -siege that the circumstances did not demand. I criticize the -Americans. The soft hand of the Americans is not as good as -the mailed fist of the Germans. If you deal with the Chinese -with a soft hand they will take advantage of it.”</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>In an article addressed “To the Person Sitting in -Darkness,” published in the <cite>North American Review</cite> -for February, I made some comments upon this C. E. -dispatch.</p> - -<p class='c001'>In an Open Letter to me, from the Rev. Dr. Smith, -published in the <cite>Tribune</cite> of February 15th, doubt is -cast upon the authenticity of the dispatch.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Up to the 20th of February, this doubt was an -important factor in the case: Dr. Ament’s brief cablegram, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_276'>276</span>published on that date, took the importance -all out of it.</p> - -<p class='c001'>In the Open Letter, Dr. Smith quotes this passage -from a letter from Dr. Ament, dated November 13th. -The italics are mine:</p> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'><em>This</em> time I proposed to settle affairs <em>without the aid of soldiers or</em> -legations.</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>This cannot mean two things, but only one: that, -previously, he <em>had</em> collected by armed force.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Also, in the Open Letter, Dr. Smith quotes some -praises of Dr. Ament and the Rev. Mr. Tewksbury, -furnished by the Rev. Dr. Sheffield, and says:</p> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'>Dr. Sheffield is not accustomed to speak thus of <em>thieves</em>, or -<em>extortioners</em>, or <em>braggarts</em>.</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>What can he mean by those vigorous expressions? -Can he mean that the first two would be applicable -to a missionary who should collect from B, with the -“aid of soldiers,” indemnities possibly due by A, and -upon occasion go out looting?</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>EXHIBIT B</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c001'>Testimony of George Lynch (indorsed as entirely -trustworthy by the <cite>Tribune</cite> and the <cite>Herald</cite>), war -correspondent in the Cuban and South African wars, -and in the march upon Peking for the rescue of the -legations. The italics are mine:</p> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'>When the <em>soldiers</em> were prohibited from looting, no such prohibitions -seemed to operate with the <em>missionaries</em>. For instance, -the <em>Rev. Mr. Tewksbury held a great sale of looted goods, which -lasted several days</em>.</p> - -<p class='c001'>A day or two after the relief, when looking for a place to sleep -in, I met the Rev. Mr. Ament, of the American Board of Foreign -<span class='pageno' id='Page_277'>277</span>Missions. <em>He told me</em> he was going to take possession of the -house of a wealthy Chinaman who was an old enemy of his, as -he had interfered much in the past with his missionary labors -in Peking. A couple of days afterwards <em>he did so</em>, and held a -<em>great sale of his enemy’s effects</em>. I bought a sable cloak at it for -$125, and a couple of statues of Buddha. As the stock became -depleted <em>it was replenished by the efforts of his converts, who were -ransacking the houses in the neighborhood</em>.--New York <cite>Herald</cite>, -February 18th.</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>It is Dr. Smith, not I, who has suggested that -persons who act in this way are “thieves and -extortioners.”</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>EXHIBIT C</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c001'>Sir Robert Hart, in the <cite>Fortnightly Review</cite> for -January, 1901. This witness has been for many -years the most prominent and important Englishman -in China, and bears an irreproachable reputation -for moderation, fairness, and truth-speaking. In -closing a description of the revolting scenes which -followed the occupation of Peking, when the Christian -armies (with the proud exception of the American -soldiery, let us be thankful for that) gave themselves -up to a ruthless orgy of robbery and spoliation, -he says (the italics are mine):</p> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'>And even some <em>missionaries</em> took such a <em>leading</em> part in “spoiling -the Egyptians” for the greater glory of God that a bystander -was heard to say: “<em>For a century to come Chinese converts will -consider looting and vengeance Christian <a id='corr277.28'></a><span class='htmlonly'><ins class='correction' title='virtues:'>virtues.</ins></span><span class='epubonly'><a href='#c_277.28'><ins class='correction' title='virtues:'>virtues.</ins></a></span></em>”</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>It is Dr. Smith, not I, who has suggested that persons -who act in this way are “thieves and extortioners.” -According to Mr. Lynch and Mr. Martin -(another war correspondent), Dr. Ament helped to -spoil several of those Egyptians. Mr. Martin took -<span class='pageno' id='Page_278'>278</span>a photograph of the scene. It was reproduced in the -<cite>Herald</cite>. I have it.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>EXHIBIT D</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c001'>In a brief reply to Dr. Smith’s Open Letter to me, -I said this in the <cite>Tribune</cite>. I am italicizing several -words--for a purpose:</p> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'>Whenever he (Dr. Smith) can produce from the Rev. Mr. -Ament an assertion that the <cite>Sun’s</cite> character-blasting dispatch -was not authorized <em>by him</em>, and whenever Dr. Smith can buttress -Mr. Ament’s disclaimer with a confession from <em>Mr. Chamberlain</em>, -the head of the Laffan News Service in China, that that dispatch -was a false invention <em>and unauthorized</em>, the case against -Mr. Ament will fall at once to the ground.</p> - -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>EXHIBIT E</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c001'>Brief cablegrams, referred to above, which passed -between Dr. Smith and Dr. Ament, and were published -on February 20th:</p> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'>Ament, Peking: Reported December 24 your collecting -thirteen times actual losses; using for propagating the Gospel. -Are these statements true? Cable specific answer.</p> - -<div class='c015'><span class='sc'>Smith.</span></div> - -<p class='c001'>Statement untrue. Collected 1-3 for church expenses, additional -actual damages; now supporting widows and orphans. -Publication thirteen times blunder cable. All collections received -approval Chinese officials, who are urging further settlements -same line.</p> - -<div class='c015'><span class='sc'>Ament.</span></div> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>Only two questions are asked; “specific” answers -required; no perilous wanderings among the other -details of the unhappy dispatch desired.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>EXHIBIT F</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c001'>Letter from Dr. Smith to me, dated March -8th. The italics are mine; they tag inaccuracies of -statement:</p> - -<div><span class='pageno' id='Page_279'>279</span></div> -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'>Permit me to call your attention to the marked paragraphs in -the inclosed papers, and to ask you to note their relation to the -two conditions named in your letter to the New York <cite>Tribune</cite> -of February 15th.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The first is <em>Dr. Ament’s denial of the truth of the dispatch in -the New York “Sun,”</em> of December 24th, on which your criticisms -of him in the <cite>North American Review</cite> of February were -founded. The second is a correction by the <cite>“Sun’s”</cite> <em>special -correspondent</em> in Peking of the dispatch printed in the <cite>Sun</cite> of -December 24th.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Since, as you state in your letter to the <cite>Tribune</cite>, “the case -against Mr. Ament would fall to the ground” <em>if Mr. Ament -denied the truth</em> of the <cite>Sun’s</cite> first dispatch, and <em>if the ‘Sun’s’ -news agency</em> in Peking also <em>declared that dispatch false</em>, and these -two conditions <em>have thus been fulfilled</em>, I am sure that upon having -these <em>facts</em> brought to your attention you will gladly withdraw -the criticisms that were <em>founded on a “cable blunder.”</em></p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>I think Dr. Smith ought to read me more carefully; -then he would not make so many mistakes. Within -the narrow space of two paragraphs, totaling eleven -lines, he has scored nine departures from fact out of -a possible 9½. Now, is that parliamentary? I do -not treat him like that. Whenever I quote him, I -am particular not to do him the least wrong, or make -him say anything he did not say.</p> - -<p class='c001'>(1) Mr. Ament doesn’t “deny the truth of the -C. E. dispatch”; he merely changes one of its phrases, -without materially changing the meaning, and (immaterially) -corrects a cable blunder (which correction -I accept). He was asked no question about the -other four fifths of the C. E. dispatch. (2) I said -nothing about “special” correspondents; I named -the right and responsible man--Mr. Chamberlain. -The “correction” referred to is a repetition of the -one I have just accepted, which (immaterially) -<span class='pageno' id='Page_280'>280</span>changes “thirteen times” to “one third” extra tax. -(3) I did not say anything about “the <cite>Sun’s</cite> news -agency”; I said “Chamberlain.” I have every confidence -in Mr. Chamberlain, but I am not personally -acquainted with the others. (4) Once more--Mr. -Ament didn’t “deny the truth” of the C. E. -dispatch, but merely made unimportant emendations -of a couple of its many details. (5) I did not -say “if Mr. Ament denied the truth” of the C. E. -dispatch: I said, if he would assert that the dispatch -was not “authorized” <em>by him</em>. For example, I did -not suppose that the charge that the Catholic missionaries -wanted 680 Chinamen beheaded was true; -but I did want to know if Dr. Ament personally -authorized that statement and the others, as coming -from his lips. Another detail: one of my conditions -was that Mr. Chamberlain must not stop with confessing -that the C. E. was a “false invention,” he -must also confess that it was “<em>unauthorized</em>.” Dr. -Smith has left out that large detail. (6) The <cite>Sun’s</cite> -news agency did not “declare the C. E. dispatch -false,” but confined itself to correcting one unimportant -detail of its long list--the change of “13 -times” to “one third” extra. (7) The “two conditions” -have not “been fulfilled”--far from it. (8) -Those details labeled “facts” are only fancies. (9) -Finally, my criticisms were by no means confined to -that detail of the C. E. dispatch which we now accept -as having been a “cable blunder.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>Setting to one side these nine departures from fact, -I find that what is left of the eleven lines is straight -and true. I am not blaming Dr. Smith for these discrepancies--it -<span class='pageno' id='Page_281'>281</span>would not be right, it would not be -fair. I make the proper allowances. He has not -been a journalist, as I have been--a trade wherein -a person is brought to book by the rest of the -press so often for divergencies that, by and by, -he gets to be almost morbidly afraid to indulge -in them. It is so with me. I always have the disposition -to tell what is not so; I was born with -it; we all have it. But I try not to do it now, -because I have found out that it is unsafe. But -with the Doctor of course it is different.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>EXHIBIT G</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c001'>I wanted to get at the whole of the facts as regards -the C. E. dispatch, and so I wrote to China for them, -when I found that the Board was not going to do it. -But I am not allowed to wait. It seemed quite -within the possibilities that a full detail of the facts -might furnish me a chance to make an apology to -Mr. Ament--a chance which, I give you my word, I -would have honestly used, and not abused. But it -is no matter. If the Board is not troubled about -the bulk of that lurid dispatch, why should I be? -I answered the apology-urging letters of several clergymen -with the information that I had written to -China for the details, and said I thought it was the -only sure way of getting into a position to do fair -and full justice to all concerned; but a couple of -them replied that it was not a matter that could -wait. That is to say, groping your way out of a -jungle in the dark with guesses and conjectures is -<span class='pageno' id='Page_282'>282</span>better than a straight march out in the sunlight of -fact. It seems a curious idea.</p> - -<p class='c001'>However, those two clergymen were in a large -measure right--from their point of view and the -Board’s; which is, putting it in the form of a couple -of questions:</p> - -<p class='c001'>1. <i>Did Dr. Ament collect the assessed damages and -thirteen times over?</i> The answer is: He did <em>not</em>. He -collected only a <em>third</em> over.</p> - -<p class='c001'>2. <i>Did he apply the third to the “propagation of the -Gospel?”</i> The answer is this correction: He applied -it to “church expenses.” Part or all of the outlay, -it appears, goes to “supporting widows and orphans.” -It may be that church expenses and supporting -widows and orphans are not part of the machinery -for propagating the Gospel. I supposed they were, -but it isn’t any matter; I prefer this phrasing; it is -not so blunt as the other.</p> - -<p class='c001'>In the opinion of the two clergymen and of the -Board, these two points are <em>the only important ones</em> -in the whole C. E. dispatch.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I accept that. Therefore let us throw out the -rest of the dispatch as being no longer a part of -Dr. Ament’s case.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>EXHIBIT H</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'>The two clergymen and the Board are quite content with Dr. -Ament’s answers upon the two points.</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>Upon the first point of the two, my own viewpoint -may be indicated by a question:</p> - -<p class='c001'><i>Did Dr. Ament collect from B (whether by compulsion -or simple demand) even so much as a penny in -<span class='pageno' id='Page_283'>283</span>payment for murders or depredations, without knowing, -beyond question, that B, and not another, committed -the murders or the depredations?</i></p> - -<p class='c001'>Or, in other words:</p> - -<p class='c001'><i>Did Dr. Ament ever, by chance or through ignorance, -make the innocent pay the debts of the guilty?</i></p> - -<p class='c001'>In the article entitled “To the Person Sitting in -Darkness,” I put forward that point in a paragraph -taken from Macallum’s (imaginary) “History”:</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>EXHIBIT I</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'>When a white Boxer kills a Pawnee and destroys his property -the other Pawnees do not trouble to seek <em>him</em> out; they kill any -white person that comes along; also, they make some white -village pay deceased’s heirs the full cash value of deceased, -together with full cash value of the property destroyed; they -also make the village pay, in addition, <em>thirteen times</em><a id='r13' /><a href='#f13' class='c022'><sup>[13]</sup></a> the value -of that property into a fund for the dissemination of the Pawnee -religion, which they regard as the best of all religions for the -softening and humanizing of the heart of man. It is their idea -that it is only fair and right <em>that the innocent should be made to -suffer for the guilty</em>, and that it is better that 90 and 9 innocent -should suffer than that one guilty person should escape.</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>We all know that Dr. Ament did not bring suspected -persons into a duly organized court and try -them by just and fair Christian and civilized methods, -but proclaimed his “conditions,” and collected damages -from the innocent and the guilty alike, without -any court proceedings at all.<a id='r14' /><a href='#f14' class='c022'><sup>[14]</sup></a> That he himself, and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_284'>284</span>not the villagers, made the “conditions,” we learn -from his letter of November 13th, already quoted -from--the one in which he remarked that, upon <em>that</em> -occasion he brought no soldiers with him. The -italics are mine:</p> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'>After our <em>conditions</em> were known many villagers came of their -own accord and brought their money with them.</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>Not all, but “many.” The Board really believes -that those hunted and harried paupers out there -were not only willing to strip themselves to pay -Boxer damages, whether they owed them or not, -but were sentimentally eager to do it. Mr. Ament -says, in his letter: “The villagers were extremely -grateful because I brought no foreign soldiers, and -were glad to settle on the terms proposed.” Some -of those people know more about theology than they -do about human nature. I do not remember encountering -even a Christian who was “glad” to pay money -he did not owe; and as for a Chinaman doing it, why, -dear me, the thing is unthinkable. We have all seen -Chinamen, many Chinamen, but not that kind. It -is a new kind: an invention of the Board--and -“soldiers.”</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>CONCERNING THE COLLECTIONS</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c001'>What was the “one third extra”? Money due? -No. Was it a theft, then? Putting aside the “one -third extra,” what was the <em>remainder</em> of the exacted -indemnity, if collected from persons not <em>known</em> to -owe it, and without Christian and civilized forms of -procedure? Was <em>it</em> theft, was it robbery? In -America it would be that; in Christian Europe it -<span class='pageno' id='Page_285'>285</span>would be that. I have great confidence in Dr. -Smith’s judgment concerning this detail, and he calls -it “theft and extortion”--even in China; for he -was talking about the “thirteen times” at the time -that he gave it that strong name.<a id='r15' /><a href='#f15' class='c022'><sup>[15]</sup></a> It is his idea that, -when you make guilty and innocent villagers pay -the appraised damages, and then make them pay -thirteen times that, besides, the <em>thirteen</em> stand for -“theft and extortion.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>Then what does <em>one third</em> extra stand for? Will -he give that one third a name? Is it Modified Theft -and Extortion? Is that it? The girl who was -rebuked for having borne an illegitimate child -excused herself by saying, “But it is such a <em>little</em> one.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>When the “thirteen-times-extra” was alleged, it -stood for theft and extortion, in Dr. Smith’s eyes, -and he was shocked. But when Dr. Ament showed -that he had taken only a <em>third</em> extra, instead of -thirteenfold, Dr. Smith was relieved, content, happy. -I declare I cannot imagine why. That editor--quoted -at the head of this article--was happy about it, too. -I cannot think why. He thought I ought to “make -for the amen corner and formulate a prompt apology.” -To whom, and for what? It is too deep for me.</p> - -<p class='c001'>To Dr. Smith, the “thirteenfold extra” clearly -<span class='pageno' id='Page_286'>286</span>stood for “theft and extortion,” and he was right, -distinctly right, indisputably right. He manifestly -thinks that when it got scaled away down to a mere -“one third,” a little thing like that was something -other than “theft and extortion.” Why? Only the -Board knows! I will try to explain this difficult -problem, so that the Board can get an idea of it. -If a pauper owes me a dollar, and I catch him unprotected -and make him pay me fourteen dollars, thirteen -of it is “theft and extortion”; if I make him -pay only a dollar and thirty-three and a third cents -the thirty-three and a third cents are “theft and -extortion” just the same. I will put it in another -way, still simpler. If a man owes me one dog--any -kind of a dog, the breed is of no consequence--and -I----But let it go; the Board would never -understand it. It <em>can’t</em> understand these involved -and difficult things.</p> - -<p class='c001'>But <em>if</em> the Board could understand, then I could -furnish some more instruction--which is this. The -one third, obtained by “theft and extortion,” is -<em>tainted money</em>, and cannot be purified even by defraying -“church expenses” and “supporting widows and -orphans” with it. It has to be restored to the -people it was taken from.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Also, there is another view of these things. By -our Christian code of morals and law, the <em>whole</em> -$1.33 1-3, if taken from a man not formally <em>proven</em> -to have committed the damage the dollar represents, -is “theft and extortion.” It cannot be honestly -used for any purpose at all. It must be handed back -to the man it was taken from.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_287'>287</span>Is there no way, then, to justify these thefts and -extortions and make them clean and fair and honorable? -Yes, there is. It can be done; it has been -done; it continues to be done--by revising the Ten -Commandments and bringing them down to date: -for use in pagan lands. For example:</p> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c001'><em>Thou shalt not steal</em>--except when it is the custom of the country.</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c001'>This way out is recognized and <em>approved</em> by all -the best authorities, including the Board. I will cite -witnesses.</p> - -<p class='c001'><i>The newspaper cutting, above</i>: “Dr. Ament declares -that all the collections which he made were approved -by the <em>Chinese</em> officials.” The editor is satisfied.</p> - -<p class='c001'><i>Dr. Ament’s cable to Dr. Smith</i>: “All collections -received approval <em>Chinese</em> officials.” Dr. Ament is -satisfied.</p> - -<p class='c001'><i>Letters from eight clergymen</i>--all to the same effect: -Dr. Ament merely did as the <em>Chinese</em> do. So they -are satisfied.</p> - -<p class='c001'><i>Mr. Ward, of the “Independent.”</i></p> - -<p class='c001'><i>The Rev. Dr. Washington Gladden.</i></p> - -<p class='c001'>I have mislaid the letters of these gentlemen and cannot -quote their words, but they are of the satisfied.</p> - -<p class='c001'><i>The Rev. Dr. Smith</i>, in his Open Letter, published -in the <cite>Tribune:</cite> “The whole procedure [Dr. Ament’s] -is in accordance with a custom among the <em>Chinese</em>, -of holding a village responsible for wrongs suffered -in that village, and especially making the head man -of the village accountable for wrongs committed -there.” Dr. Smith is satisfied. Which means that -the Board is satisfied.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_288'>288</span>The “head man”! Why, then, this poor rascal, -innocent or guilty, must pay the whole bill, if he -cannot squeeze it out of his poor-devil neighbors. -But, indeed, he can be depended upon to try, even -to the skinning them of their last brass farthing, -their last rag of clothing, their last ounce of food. He -can be depended upon to get the indemnity out of them, -though it cost stripes and blows, blood-tears, and flesh.</p> - -<p class='c001'>THE TALE OF THE KING AND HIS TREASURER</p> - -<p class='c001'>How strange and remote and romantic and Oriental -and Arabian-Nighty it all seems--and is. It -brings back the old forgotten tales, and we hear the -King say to his Treasurer:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Bring me 30,000 gold tomauns.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Allah preserve us, Sire! the treasury is empty.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Do you hear? Bring the money--in ten days. -Else, send me your head in a basket.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“I hear and obey.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>The Treasurer summons the head men of a hundred -villages, and says to one:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Bring me a hundred gold tomauns.” To another, -“Bring me five hundred.” To another, “Bring a -thousand. In ten days. Your head is the forfeit.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Your slaves kiss your feet! Ah, high and mighty -lord, be merciful to our hard-pressed villagers; they -are poor, they are naked, they starve; oh, these -impossible sums! even the half----”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Go! Grind it out of them, crush it out of them, -turn the blood of the fathers, the tears of the mothers, -the milk of the babes to money--or take the consequences. -Have you heard?”</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_289'>289</span>“His will be done, Who is the Fount of love and -mercy and compassion, Who layeth this heavy burden -upon us by the hand of His anointed servants--blessed -be His holy Name! The father shall bleed, -the mother shall faint for hunger, the babe shall -perish at the dry breast. The chosen of God have -commanded: it shall be as they say.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>I am not meaning to object to the substitution of -pagan customs for Christian, here and there and -now and then, when the Christian ones are inconvenient. -No; I like it and admire it. I do it myself. -And I admire the alertness of the Board in watching -out for chances to trade Board morals for Chinese -morals, and get the best of the swap; for I cannot -endure those people, they are yellow, and I have -never considered yellow becoming. I have always -been like the Board--perfectly well-meaning, but -destitute of the Moral Sense. Now, one of the main -reasons why it is so hard to make the Board understand -that there is no moral difference between a -big filch and a little filch, but only a legal one, is -that vacancy in its make-up. Morally, there are -no degrees in stealing. The Commandment merely -says, “Thou shalt not <em>steal</em>,” and stops there. It -doesn’t recognize any difference between stealing a -third and stealing thirteenfold. If I could think of -a way to put it before the Board in such a plain and--</p> - -<p class='c001'>THE WATERMELONS</p> - -<p class='c001'>I have it, now. Many years ago, when I was -studying for the gallows, I had a dear comrade, a -youth who was not in my line, but still a thoroughly -<span class='pageno' id='Page_290'>290</span>good fellow, though devious. He was preparing to -qualify for a place on the Board, for there was going -to be a vacancy by superannuation in about five -years. This was down South, in the slavery days. -It was the nature of the negro then, as now, to steal -watermelons. They stole three of the melons of an -adoptive brother of mine, the only good ones he -had. I suspected three of a neighbor’s negroes, but -there was no proof: and, besides, the watermelons -in those negroes’ private patches were all green and -small, and not up to indemnity standard. But in -the private patches of three other negroes there were -a number of competent melons. I consulted with -my comrade, the understudy of the Board. He -said that if I would approve his arrangements, he -would arrange. I said, “Consider me the Board; -I approve: arrange.” So he took a gun, and went -and collected three large melons for my brother-on-the-half-shell, -and one over. I was greatly pleased, -and asked:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Who gets the extra one?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Widows and orphans.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“A good idea, too. Why didn’t you take thirteen?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“It would have been wrong; a crime, in fact--Theft -and Extortion.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>“What is the one third extra--the odd melon--the -same?”</p> - -<p class='c001'>It caused him to reflect. But there was no result.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The justice of the peace was a stern man. On the -trial, he found fault with the scheme, and required -us to explain upon what we based our strange conduct--as -he called it. The understudy said:</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_291'>291</span>“On the custom of the niggers. They all do it.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>The justice forgot his dignity, and descended to -sarcasm:</p> - -<p class='c001'>“Custom of the niggers! Are our morals so inadequate -that we have to borrow of niggers?” Then -he said to the jury: “Three melons were owing; -they were collected from persons not proven to owe -them; this is theft. They were collected by compulsion; -this is extortion. A melon was added--for -the widows and orphans. It was owed by no one. -It is another theft, another extortion. Return it -whence it came, with the others. It is not permissible, -here, to apply to any object goods dishonestly -obtained--not even to the feeding of widows and -orphans, for that would be to put a shame upon -charity and dishonor it.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>He said it in open court, before everybody, and -to me it did not seem very kind.</p> - -<p class='c001'>A clergyman, in a letter to me, reminds me, with -a touch of reproach, that “many of the missionaries -are good men, kind-hearted, earnest, devoted to their -work.” Certainly they are. No one is disputing it. -Instead of “many,” he could have said “almost all,” -and still said the truth, no doubt. I know many -missionaries; I have met them all about the globe, -and have known only one or two who could not fill -that bill and answer to that description. “Almost -all” comes near to being a proportion and a description -applicable also to lawyers, authors, editors, merchants, -manufacturers--in fact, to most guilds and -vocations. Without a doubt, Dr. Ament did what -he believed to be right, and I concede that when a -<span class='pageno' id='Page_292'>292</span>man is doing what he believes to be right, there is -argument on his side. I differ with Dr. Ament, but -that is only because he got his training from the -Board and I got mine outside. Neither of us is -responsible, altogether.</p> - -<p class='c001'>RECAPITULATION</p> - -<p class='c001'>But there is no need to sum up. Mr. Ament has -acknowledged the “one third extra”--no other witness -is necessary. The Rev. Dr. Smith has carefully -considered the act and labeled it with a stern name, -and his verdict seems to have no flaw in it. The -morals of the act are Chinese, but are approved by -the Board, and by some of the clergy and some of -the newspapers, as being a valuable improvement -upon Christian ones--which leaves me with a closed -mouth, though with a pain in my heart.</p> - -<p class='c001'>IS THE AMERICAN BOARD ON TRIAL?</p> - -<p class='c001'>Do I think that Dr. Ament and certain of his fellow -missionaries are as bad as their conduct? No, -I do not. They are the product of their training; -and now that I understand the whole case, and where -they got their ideals, and that they are merely -subordinates and subject to authority, I comprehend -that they are rather accessories than principals, and -that their acts only show faulty heads curiously -trained, not bad hearts. Mainly, as it seems to me, -it is the American Board that is on trial. And -again, it is a case of the head, not of the heart. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_293'>293</span>That it has a heart which has never harbored an -evil intention, no one will deny, no one will question; -the Board’s history can silence any challenge on -that score. The Board’s heart is not in court: it is -its head that is on trial.</p> - -<p class='c001'>It is a sufficiently strange head. Its ways baffle -comprehension; its ideas are like no one else’s; its -methods are novelties to the practical world; its -judgments are surprises. When one thinks it is -going to speak and must speak, it is silent; when one -thinks it ought to be silent and must be silent, it -speaks. Put your finger where you think it ought -to be, it is not there; put it where you think it ought -not to be, there you find it.</p> - -<p class='c001'>When its servant in China seemed to be charging -himself with amazing things, in a reputable journal--in -a dispatch which was copied into many other -papers--the Board was as silent about it as any -dead man could have been who was informed that -his house was burning over his head. An exchange -of cablegrams could have enabled it, within two days, -to prove to the world--possibly--that the damaging -dispatch had not proceeded from the mouth of its -servant; yet it sat silent and asked no questions -about the matter.</p> - -<p class='c001'>It was silent during thirty-eight days. Then the -dispatch came into prominence again. It chanced -that I was the occasion of it. A break in the stillness -followed. In what form? An exchange of -cablegrams, resulting in proof that the damaging -dispatch had not been authorized? No, in the form -of an Open Letter by the Corresponding Secretary -<span class='pageno' id='Page_294'>294</span>of the American Board, the Rev. Dr. Smith, in which -it was <em>argued</em> that Dr. Ament could not have said -and done the things set forth in the dispatch.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Surely, this was bad politics. A repudiating telegram -would have been worth more than a library of -argument.</p> - -<p class='c001'>An extension of the silence would have been better -than the Open Letter, I think. I thought so at the -time. It seemed to me that mistakes enough had -been made and harm enough done. I thought it -questionable policy to publish the Letter, for I “did -not think it likely that Dr. Ament would disown -the dispatch,” and I telegraphed that to the Rev. -Dr. Smith. Personally, I had nothing against Dr. -Ament, and that is my attitude yet.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Once more it was a good time for an extension of -the silence. But no; the Board has its own ways, -and one of them is to do the unwise thing, when -occasion offers. After having waited fifty-six days, -it cabled to Dr. Ament. No one can divine why it -did so then, instead of fifty-six days earlier.<a id='r16' /><a href='#f16' class='c022'><sup>[16]</sup></a> It -got a fatal reply--and was not aware of it. That -was that curious confession about the “one third -extra”; its application, not to the “propagation of -the Gospel,” but only to “church expenses,” support -of widows and orphans; and, on top of this confession, -that other strange one revealing the dizzying -fact that our missionaries, who went to China to -teach Christian morals and justice, had adopted -<span class='pageno' id='Page_295'>295</span>pagan morals and justice in their place. <em>That cablegram -was dynamite.</em></p> - -<p class='c001'>It seems odd that the Board did not see that that -revelation made the case far worse than it was before; -for there was a saving doubt, before--a doubt which -was a Gibraltar for strength, and should have been -carefully left undisturbed. Why did the Board allow -that revelation to get into print? Why did the -Board not suppress it and keep still? But no; in -the Board’s opinion, this was once more the time for -speech. Hence Dr. Smith’s latest letter to me, suggesting -that I speak also--a letter which is a good -enough letter, barring its nine defects, but is another -evidence that the Board’s head is not as good as its -heart.</p> - -<p class='c001'>A missionary is a man who is pretty nearly all -heart, else he would not be in a calling which requires -of him such large sacrifices of one kind and another. -He is made up of faith, zeal, courage, sentiment, -emotion, enthusiasm; and so he is a mixture of -poet, devotee, and knight errant. He exiles himself -from home and friends and the scenes and associations -that are dearest to him; patiently endures discomforts, -privations, discouragements; goes with -good pluck into dangers which he knows may cost -him his life; and when he must suffer death, willingly -makes that supreme sacrifice for his cause.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Sometimes the headpiece of that kind of a man -can be of an inferior sort, and error of judgment can -result--as we have seen. Then, for his protection, -as it seems to me, he ought to have at his back a -Board able to know a blunder when it sees one, and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_296'>296</span>prompt to bring him back upon his right course when -he strays from it. That is to say, I think the captain -of a ship ought to understand navigation. Whether -he does or not, he will have to take a captain’s share -of the blame, if the crew bring the vessel to grief.</p> - -<hr class='c024' /> -<div class='footnote' id='f11'> -<p class='c001'><a href='#r11'>11</a>. Testimony of the manager of the <cite>Sun</cite>.</p> -</div> -<div class='footnote' id='f12'> -<p class='c001'><a href='#r12'>12</a>. Cable error. For “thirteen times” read “one third.” This -correction was made by Dr. Ament in his brief cablegram published -February 20th, previously referred to.</p> -</div> -<div class='footnote' id='f13'> -<p class='c001'><a href='#r13'>13</a>. For “thirteen times” read “one third.”--M. T.</p> -</div> -<div class='footnote' id='f14'> -<p class='c001'><a href='#r14'>14</a>. In civilized countries, if a mob destroy property in a town, the -damage is paid out of the town treasury, and no taxpayer suffers -a disproportionate share of the burden; the mayor is not privileged -to distribute the burden according to his private notions, sparing -himself and his friends, and fleecing persons he holds a spite against--as -in the Orient--and the citizen who is too poor to be a taxpayer -pays no part of the fine at all.</p> -</div> -<div class='footnote' id='f15'> -<p class='c001'><a href='#r15'>15</a>. In his Open Letter, Dr. Smith cites Dr. Ament’s letter of -November 13th, which contains an account of Dr. Ament’s collecting -tour; then Dr. Smith makes this comment: “Nothing is said -of securing ‘thirteen times’ the amount of the losses.” Farther -down, Dr. Smith quotes praises of Dr. Ament and his work (from -a letter of the Rev. Dr. Sheffield), and adds this comment: “Dr. -Sheffield is not accustomed to speak thus in praise of thieves, or -extortioners, or braggarts.” The reference is to the “thirteen-times” -extra tax.</p> -</div> -<div class='footnote' id='f16'> -<p class='c001'><a href='#r16'>16</a>. The cablegram went on the day (February 18th) that Mr. -George Lynch’s account of the looting was published. See “Exhibit -B.” It seems a pity it did not inquire about the looting and get it -denied.</p> -</div> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_297'>297</span> - <h2 class='c007'>THOMAS BRACKETT REED</h2> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_2_0_4 c014'>He wore no shell. His ways were frank and open, -and the road to his large sympathies was -straight and unobstructed. His was a nature which -invited affection--compelled it, in fact--and met it -halfway. Hence he was “Tom” to the most of his -friends, and to half of the nation. The abbreviating -of such a man’s name is a patent of nobility, and is -conferred from the heart. Mr. Reed had a very -strong and decided character, and he may have had -enemies; I do not know; if he had them--outside -of politics--they did not know the man. He was -transparently honest and honorable, there were no -furtivenesses about him, and whoever came to know -him trusted him and was not disappointed. He was -wise, he was shrewd and alert, he was a clear and -capable thinker, a logical reasoner, and a strong and -convincing speaker. His manner was easy and engaging, -his speeches sparkled with felicities of phrasing -thrown off without apparent effort, and when he -needed the happy help of humor he had a mine of -it as deep and rich as Kimberly to draw from. His -services to his country were great, and they were -gratefully acknowledged.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I cannot remember back to a time when he was -not “Tom” Reed to me, nor to a time when he would -have been offended at being so addressed by me. I -<span class='pageno' id='Page_298'>298</span>cannot remember back to a time when I could let -him alone in an after-dinner speech if he was present, -nor to a time when he did not take my extravagances -concerning him and misstatements about him in good -part, nor yet to a time when he did not pay them -back with usury when his turn came. The last -speech he made was at my birthday dinner at the -end of November, when naturally I was his text; my -last word to him was in a letter the next day; a day -later I was illustrating a fantastic article on Art with -his portrait among others--a portrait now to be laid -reverently away among the jests that begin in humor -and end in pathos. These things happened only -eight days ago, and now he is gone from us, and the -nation is speaking of him as one who <em>was</em>. It seems -incredible, impossible. Such a man, such a friend, -seems to us a permanent possession; his vanishing -from our midst is unthinkable; as unthinkable as -was the vanishing of the Campanile, that had stood -for a thousand years, and was turned to dust in a -moment.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I have no wish, at this time, to enter upon light -and humorous reminiscences connected with yachting -voyages with Mr. Reed in northern and southern -seas, nor with other recreations in his company in -other places--they do not belong in this paper, they -do not invite me, they would jar upon me. I have -only wished to say how fine and beautiful was his -life and character, and to take him by the hand and -say good-by, as to a fortunate friend who has done -well his work and goes a pleasant journey.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_299'>299</span> - <h2 class='c007'>THE FINISHED BOOK <br /><span class='small'>(On Finishing <cite>Joan of Arc</cite>)</span></h2> -</div> - -<div class='c031'><span class='sc'>Paris</span>, 1895.</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_2_0_4 c018'>Do you know that shock? I mean, when you -come, at your regular hour, into the sick room -where you have watched for months, and find the -medicine bottles all gone, the night table removed, -the bed stripped, the furniture set stiffly to rights, -the windows up, the room cold, stark, vacant--and -you catch your breath. Do you know that shock?</p> - -<p class='c001'>The man who has written a long book has that -experience the morning after he has revised it for the -last time, seen the bearers convey it from the house, -and sent it away to the printer. He steps into his -study at the hour established by the habit of months--and -he gets that little shock. All the litter and -the confusion are gone. The piles of dusty reference -books are gone from the chairs, the maps from the -floor; the chaos of letters, manuscripts, notebooks, -paper knives, pipes, matches, photographs, tobacco -jars, and cigar boxes is gone from the writing table. -The furniture is back where it use to be in the long -ago. The housemaid, forbidden the place for five -months, has been there, and tidied it up, and scoured -it clean, and made it repellent and awful.</p> - -<p class='c001'>I stand here this morning, contemplating this desolation, -and I realize that if I would bring back the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_300'>300</span>spirit that made this hospital homelike and pleasant -to me, I must restore the aids to lingering dissolution -to their wonted places, and nurse another patient -through and send it forth for the last rites, with -many or few to assist there, as may happen; and -that I will do.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_301'>301</span> - <h2 class='c007'>AS REGARDS PATRIOTISM <br /> <span class='small'>(About 1900)</span></h2> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_2_0_4 c014'>It is agreed, in this country, that if a man can -arrange his religion so that it perfectly satisfies -his conscience, it is not incumbent upon him to care -whether the arrangement is satisfactory to anyone -else or not.</p> - -<p class='c001'>In Austria and some other countries this is not -the case. There the state arranges a man’s religion -for him, he has no voice in it himself.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Patriotism is merely a religion--love of country, -worship of country, devotion to the country’s flag -and honor and welfare.</p> - -<p class='c001'>In absolute monarchies it is furnished from the -throne, cut and dried, to the subject; in England -and America it is furnished, cut and dried, to the -citizen by the politician and the newspaper.</p> - -<p class='c001'>The newspaper-and-politician-manufactured -Patriot often gags in private over his dose; but he -takes it, and keeps it on his stomach the best he can. -Blessed are the meek.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Sometimes, in the beginning of an insane shabby -political upheaval, he is strongly moved to revolt, -but he doesn’t do it--he knows better. He knows -that his maker would find it out--the maker of his -Patriotism, the windy and incoherent six-dollar -subeditor of his village newspaper--and would bray -<span class='pageno' id='Page_302'>302</span>out in print and call him a Traitor. And how dreadful -that would be. It makes him tuck his tail between -his legs and shiver. We all know--the reader knows -it quite well--that two or three years ago nine -tenths of the human tails in England and America -performed just that act. Which is to say, nine -tenths of the Patriots in England and America -turned traitor to keep from being called traitor. -Isn’t it true? You know it to be true. Isn’t it -curious?</p> - -<p class='c001'>Yet it was not a thing to be very seriously ashamed -of. A man can seldom--very, very seldom--fight a -winning fight against his training; the odds are too -heavy. For many a year--perhaps always--the -training of the two nations had been dead against -independence in political thought, persistently inhospitable -toward patriotism manufactured on a man’s -own premises, Patriotism reasoned out in the man’s -own head and fire-assayed and tested and proved -in his own conscience. The resulting Patriotism -was a shop-worn product procured at second hand. -The Patriot did not know just how or when or where -he got his opinions, neither did he care, so long as he -was with what seemed the majority--which was the -main thing, the safe thing, the comfortable thing. -Does the reader believe he knows three men who -have actual reasons for their pattern of Patriotism--and -can furnish them? Let him not examine, unless -he wants to be disappointed. He will be likely to -find that his men got their Patriotism at the public -trough, and had no hand in its preparation -themselves.</p> - -<p class='c001'><span class='pageno' id='Page_303'>303</span>Training does wonderful things. It moved the -people of this country to oppose the Mexican War; -<a id='corr303.3'></a><span class='htmlonly'><ins class='correction' title='them'>then</ins></span><span class='epubonly'><a href='#c_303.3'><ins class='correction' title='them'>then</ins></a></span> moved them to fall in with what they supposed -was the opinion of the majority--majority Patriotism -is the customary Patriotism--and go down there -and fight. Before the Civil War it made the North -indifferent to slavery and friendly to the slave interest; -in that interest it made Massachusetts hostile -to the American flag, and she would not allow it to -be hoisted on her State House--in her eyes it was -the flag of a faction. Then by and by, training -swung Massachusetts the other way, and she went -raging South to fight under that very flag and -against that aforetime protected interest of hers.</p> - -<p class='c001'>There is nothing that training cannot do. Nothing -is above its reach or below it. It can turn bad -morals to good, good morals to bad; it can destroy -principles, it can recreate them; it can debase angels -to men and lift men to angelship. And it can do any -one of these miracles in a year--even in six months.</p> - -<p class='c001'>Then men can be trained to manufacture their -own Patriotism. They can be trained to labor it -out in their own heads and hearts and in the privacy -and independence of their own premises. It can -train them to stop taking it by command, as the -Austrian takes his religion.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_304'>304</span> - <h2 class='c007'>DR. LOEB’S INCREDIBLE DISCOVERY</h2> -</div> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='drop-capa0_2_0_4 c014'>Experts in biology will be apt to receive with some skepticism -the announcement of Dr. Jacques Loeb of the University -of California as to the creation of life by chemical agencies.... -Doctor Loeb is a very bright and ingenious experimenter, -but <em>a consensus of opinion among biologists</em> would show that -he is voted rather as a man of lively imagination than an inerrant -investigator of natural phenomena.--New York <cite>Times</cite>, -March 2d.</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c011'>I wish I could be as young as that again. Although -I seem so old, now, I was once as young as that. I -remember, as if it were but thirty or forty years ago, -how a paralyzing Consensus of Opinion accumulated -from Experts a-setting around, about brother experts -who had patiently and laboriously cold-chiseled their -way into one or another of nature’s safe-deposit -vaults and were reporting that they had found something -valuable was a plenty for me. It settled it.</p> - -<p class='c001'>But it isn’t so now--no. Because, in the drift of -the years I by and by found out that a Consensus -examines a new thing with its feelings rather oftener -than with its mind. You know, yourself, that that -is so. Do those people examine with feelings that -are friendly to evidence? You know they don’t. It -is the other way about. They do the examining by -the light of their prejudices--now isn’t that true?</p> - -<p class='c001'>With curious results, yes. So curious that you -wonder the Consensuses do not go out of the business. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_305'>305</span>Do you know of a case where a Consensus -won a game? You can go back as far as you want -to and you will find history furnishing you this (until -now) unwritten maxim for your guidance and profit: -Whatever new thing a Consensus coppers (colloquial -for “bets against”), bet your money on that very -card and do not be afraid.</p> - -<p class='c001'>There was that primitive steam engine--ages back, -in Greek times: a Consensus made fun of it. There -was the Marquis of Worcester’s steam engine, 250 -years ago: a Consensus made fun of it. There was -Fulton’s steamboat of a century ago: a French Consensus, -including the Great Napoleon, made fun of -it. There was Priestly, with his oxygen: a Consensus -scoffed at him, mobbed him, burned him out, -banished him. While a Consensus was proving, by -statistics and things, that a steamship could not -cross the Atlantic, a steamship did it. A Consensus -consisting of all the medical experts in Great Britain -made fun of Jenner and inoculation. A Consensus -consisting of all the medical experts in France made -fun of the stethoscope. A Consensus of all the -medical experts in Germany made fun of that young -doctor (his name? forgotten by all but doctors, now, -revered now by doctors alone) who discovered and -abolished the cause of that awful disease, puerperal -fever; made fun of him, reviled him, hunted him, -persecuted him, broke his heart, killed him. Electric -telegraph, Atlantic cable, telephone, all “toys,” and -of no practical value--verdict of the Consensuses. -Geology, palæontology, evolution--all brushed into -space by a Consensus of theological experts, comprising -<span class='pageno' id='Page_306'>306</span>all the preachers in Christendom, assisted by -the Duke of Argyle and (at first) the other scientists. -And do look at Pasteur and his majestic honor roll -of prodigious benefactions! Damned--each and -every one of them in its turn--by frenzied and ferocious -Consensuses of medical and chemical Experts -comprising, for years, every member of the tribe in -Europe; damned without even a casual <em>look</em> at what -he was doing--and he pathetically imploring them -to come and take at least one little look before -making the damnation eternal. They shortened his -life by their malignities and persecutions; and thus -robbed the world of the further and priceless services -of a man who--along certain lines and within certain -limits--had done more for the human race than any -other one man in all its long history: a man whom -it had taken the Expert brotherhood ten thousand -years to produce, and whose mate and match the -brotherhood may possibly not be able to bring forth -and assassinate in another ten thousand. The -preacher has an old and tough reputation for bull-headed -and unreasoning hostility to new light; why, -he is not “in it” with the doctor! Nor, perhaps, -with some of the other breeds of Experts that sit -around and get up the Consensuses and squelch the -new things as fast as they come from the hands of -the plodders, the searchers, the inspired dreamers, -the Pasteurs that come bearing pearls to scatter in -the Consensus sty.</p> - -<p class='c001'>This is warm work! It puts my temperature up -to 106 and raises my pulse to the limit. It always -works just so when the red rag of a Consensus jumps -<span class='pageno' id='Page_307'>307</span>my fence and starts across my pasture. I have been -a Consensus more than once myself, and I know the -business--and its vicissitudes. I am a compositor-expert, -of old and seasoned experience; nineteen -years ago I delivered the final-and-for-good verdict -that the linotype would never be able to earn its own -living nor anyone else’s: it takes fourteen acres of -ground, now, to accommodate its factories in England. -Thirty-five years ago I was an expert precious-metal -quartz-miner. There was an outcrop in my -neighborhood that assayed $600 a ton--gold. But -every fleck of gold in it was shut up tight and fast -in an intractable and impersuadable base-metal -shell. Acting as a Consensus, I delivered the finality -verdict that no human ingenuity would ever be able -to set free two dollars’ worth of gold out of a ton of -that rock. The fact is, I did not foresee the cyanide -process. Indeed, I have been a Consensus ever so -many times since I reached maturity and approached -the age of discretion, but I call to mind no instance -in which I won out.</p> - -<p class='c001'>These sorrows have made me suspicious of Consensuses. -Do you know, I tremble and the goose -flesh rises on my skin every time I encounter one, -now. I sheer warily off and get behind something, -saying to myself, “It looks innocent and all right, -but no matter, ten to one there’s a cyanide process -under that thing somewhere.”</p> - -<p class='c001'>Now as concerns this “creation of life by chemical -agencies.” Reader, take my advice: don’t you copper -it. I don’t say bet on it; no, I only say, don’t -you copper it. As you see, there is a Consensus out -<span class='pageno' id='Page_308'>308</span>against it. If you find that you can’t control your -passions; if you feel that you have <em>got</em> to copper -something and can’t help it, copper the Consensus. -It is the safest way--all history confirms it. If you -are young, you will, of course, have to put up, on one -side or the other, for you will not be able to restrain -yourself; but as for me, I am old, and I am going to -wait for a new deal.</p> - -<p class='c013'><i>P.S.</i>--In the same number of the <cite>Times</cite> Doctor -Funk says: “Man may be as badly fooled by believing -too little as by believing too much; the hard-headed -skeptic Thomas was the only disciple who was -cheated.” Is that the right and rational way to look -at it? I will not be sure, for my memory is faulty, but -it has always been my impression that Thomas was the -only one who made an examination and proved a fact, -while the others were accepting, or discounting, the -fact on trust--like any other Consensus. If that is so, -Doubting Thomas removed a doubt which must -otherwise have confused and troubled the world until -now. Including Doctor Funk. It seems to me that -we owe that hard-headed--or sound-headed--witness -something more than a slur. Why does Doctor -Funk <em>examine</em> into spiritism, and then throw stones -at Thomas. Why doesn’t he take it on trust? Has -inconsistency become a jewel in Lafayette Place?</p> - -<div class='c032'><span class='sc'>Old-Man-Afraid-of-the-Consensus.</span></div> - -<p class='c013'><i>Extract from Adam’s Diary.</i>--Then there was a -Consensus about it. It was the very first one. It -sat six days and nights. It was then delivered of the -verdict that a world could not be made out of -<span class='pageno' id='Page_309'>309</span>nothing; that such small things as sun and moon -and stars might, maybe, but it would take years -and years, if there was considerable many of them. -Then the Consensus got up and looked out of the -window, and there was the whole outfit spinning and -sparkling in space! You never saw such a disappointed -lot.</p> - -<div class='lg-container-r c023'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line in2'>his</div> - <div class='line'><span class='sc'>Adam</span>--i--</div> - <div class='line in2'>mark</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_310'>310</span> - <h2 class='c007'>THE DERVISH AND THE OFFENSIVE<br /> STRANGER</h2> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_2_0_4 c033'><i>The Dervish</i>: I will say again, and yet again, and -still again, that a good deed----</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Offensive Stranger</i>: Peace, and, O man of narrow -vision! There is no such thing as a good <em>deed</em>----</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Dervish</i>: O shameless blasphe----</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Offensive Stranger</i>: And no such thing as an -evil deed. There are good <em>impulses</em>, there are evil -impulses, and that is all. Half of the results of a -good intention are evil; half the results of an evil -intention are good. No man can command the -results, nor allot them.</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Dervish</i>: And so----</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Offensive Stranger</i>: And so you shall praise -men for their good intentions, and not blame them -for the evils resulting; you shall blame men for -their evil intentions, and not praise them for the -good resulting.</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Dervish</i>: O maniac! will you say----</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Offensive Stranger</i>: Listen to the law: From -<em>every</em> impulse, whether good or evil, flow two streams; -the one carries health, the other carries poison. -From the beginning of time this law has not changed, -to the end of time it will not change.</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Dervish</i>: If I should strike thee dead in -anger----</p> - -<p class='c034'><span class='pageno' id='Page_311'>311</span><i>The Offensive Stranger</i>: Or kill me with a drug which -you hoped would give me new life and strength----</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Dervish</i>: Very well. Go on.</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Offensive Stranger</i>: In either case the results -would be the same. Age-long misery of mind for -you--an evil result; peace, repose, the end of sorrow -for me--a good result. Three hearts that hold me -dear would break; three pauper cousins of the third -removed would get my riches and rejoice; you would -go to prison and your friends would grieve, but your -humble apprentice-priest would step into your shoes -and your fat sleek life and be happy. And are these -all the goods and all the evils that would flow from -the well-intended or ill-intended act that cut short -my life, O thoughtless one, O purblind creature? The -good and evil results that flow from <em>any</em> act, even -the smallest, breed on and on, century after century, -forever and ever and ever, creeping by inches around -the globe, affecting all its coming and going populations -until the end of time, until the final cataclysm!</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Dervish</i>: Then, there being no such thing -as a good deed----</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Offensive Stranger</i>: Don’t I tell you there -are good <em>intentions</em>, and evil ones, and there an -end? The <em>results</em> are not foreseeable. They are of -both kinds, in all cases. It is the law. Listen: -this is far-Western history:</p> - -<h3 class='c012'>VOICES OUT OF UTAH</h3> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c035'> - <div>I</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c034'><i>The White Chief</i> (<i>to his people</i>): This wide plain -was a desert. By our Heaven-blest industry we have -<span class='pageno' id='Page_312'>312</span>damned the river and utilized its waters and turned -the desert into smiling fields whose fruitage makes -prosperous and happy a thousand homes where -poverty and hunger dwelt before. How noble, how -beneficent, is Civilization!</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c023'> - <div>II</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c034'><i>Indian Chief</i> (<i>to his people</i>): This wide plain, -which the Spanish priests taught our fathers to -irrigate, was a smiling field, whose fruitage made -our homes prosperous and happy. The white American -has damned our river, taken away our water -for his own valley, and turned our field into a desert; -wherefore we starve.</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Dervish</i>: I perceive that the good intention -did really bring both good and evil results in equal -measure. But a single case cannot prove the rule. -Try again.</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Offensive Stranger</i>: Pardon me, <em>all</em> cases -prove it. Columbus discovered a new world and -gave to the plodding poor and the landless of Europe -farms and breathing space and plenty and -happiness----</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Dervish</i>: A good result.</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Offensive Stranger</i>: And they hunted and -harried the original owners of the soil, and robbed -them, beggared them, drove them from their homes, -and exterminated them, root and branch.</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Dervish</i>: An evil result, yes.</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Offensive Stranger</i>: The French Revolution -brought desolation to the hearts and homes of five -<span class='pageno' id='Page_313'>313</span>million families and drenched the country with blood -and turned its wealth to poverty.</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Dervish</i>: An evil result.</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Offensive Stranger</i>: But every great and -precious liberty enjoyed by the nations of continental -Europe to-day are the gift of that Revolution.</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Dervish</i>: A good result, I concede it.</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Offensive Stranger</i>: In our well-meant effort to -lift up the Filipino to our own moral altitude with -a musket, we have slipped on the ice and fallen down -to his.</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Dervish</i>: A large evil result.</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Offensive Stranger</i>: But as an offset we are a -World Power.</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Dervish</i>: Give me time. I must think this -one over. Pass on.</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Offensive Stranger</i>: By help of three hundred -thousand soldiers and eight hundred million dollars -England has succeeded in her good purpose of lifting -up the unwilling Boers and making them better and -purer and happier than they could ever have become -by their own devices.</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Dervish</i>: Certainly that is a good result.</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Offensive Stranger</i>: But there are only eleven -Boers left now.</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Dervish</i>: It has the appearance of an evil -result. But I will think it over before I decide.</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Offensive Stranger</i>: Take yet one more -instance. With the best intentions the missionary -has been laboring in China for eighty years.</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Dervish</i>: The evil result is----</p> - -<p class='c034'><span class='pageno' id='Page_314'>314</span><i>The Offensive Stranger</i>: That nearly a hundred -thousand Chinamen have acquired our Civilization.</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Dervish</i>: And the good result is----</p> - -<p class='c034'><i>The Offensive Stranger</i>: That by the compassion -of God four hundred millions have escaped it.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_315'>315</span> - <h2 class='c007'>INSTRUCTIONS IN ART<br /> <span class='small'>(With Illustrations by the Author)</span></h2> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_2_0_4 c033'>The great trouble about painting a whole gallery -of portraits at the same time is, that the housemaid -comes and dusts, and does not put them back -the way they were before, and so when the public -flock to the studio and wish to know which is -Howells and which is Depew and so on, you have -to dissemble, and it is very embarrassing at first. -Still, you know they are there, and this knowledge -presently gives you more or less confidence, and -you say sternly, “<em>This</em> is Howells,” and watch the -visitor’s eye. If you see doubt there, you correct -yourself and try another. In time you find one that -will satisfy, and then you feel relief and joy, but -you have suffered much in the meantime; and you -know that this joy is only temporary, for the next -inquirer will settle on another Howells of a quite -different aspect, and one which you suspect is -Edward VII or Cromwell, though you keep that to -yourself, of course. It is much better to label a -portrait when you first paint it, then there is no -uncertainty in your mind and you can get bets -out of the visitor and win them.</p> - -<p class='c034'>I believe I have had the most trouble with a portrait -which I painted in installments--the head on -one canvas and the bust on another.</p> - -<div class='figcenter id006'> -<span class='pageno' id='Page_316'>316</span> -<img src='images/i316.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' /> -<div class='ic003'> -<p>THE HEAD ON ONE CANVAS</p> -</div> -</div> - -<p class='c034'>The housemaid stood the bust up sideways, and -now I don’t know which way it goes. Some authorities -think it belongs with the breastpin at the top, -under the man’s chin; others think it belongs the -reverse way, on account of the collar, one of these -saying, “A person can wear a breastpin on his -stomach if he wants to, but he can’t wear his collar -anywhere he dern pleases.” There is a certain -amount of sense in that view of it. Still, there is -no way to determine the matter for certain; when -you join the installments, with the pin under the -chin, that seems to be right; then when you reverse -it and bring the collar under the chin it seems as -right as ever; whichever way you fix it the lines -come together snug and convincing, and either way -you do it the portrait’s face looks equally surprised -and rejoiced, and as if it wouldn’t be satisfied to -have it any way but just that one; in fact, even if -you take the bust away altogether the face seems -surprised and happy just the same--I have never -seen an expression before, which no vicissitudes could -alter. I wish I could remember who it is. It looks -a little like Washington, but I do not think it can be -Washington, because he had as many ears on one -<span class='pageno' id='Page_317'>317</span>side as the other. You can always tell Washington -by that; he was very particular about his ears, and -about having them arranged the same old way all -the time.</p> - -<div class='figcenter id001'> -<img src='images/i317.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' /> -<div class='ic003'> -<p>AND THE BUST ON ANOTHER</p> -</div> -</div> - -<p class='c034'>By and by I shall get out of these confusions, -and then it will be plain sailing; but first-off the -confusions were natural and not to be avoided. My -reputation came very suddenly and tumultuously -when I published my own portrait, and it turned my -head a little, for indeed there was never anything -like it. In a single day I got orders from sixty-two -people not to paint their portraits, some of them -the most distinguished persons in the country--the -President, the Cabinet, authors, governors, admirals, -candidates for office on the weak side--almost everybody -that was anybody, and it would really have -turned the head of nearly any beginner to get so -much notice and have it come with such a frenzy -of cordiality. But I am growing calm and settling -down to business, now; and pretty soon I shall cease -to be flurried, and then when I do a portrait I shall -<span class='pageno' id='Page_318'>318</span>be quite at myself and able on the instant to tell it -from the others and pick it out when wanted.</p> - -<p class='c034'>I am living a new and exalted life of late. It -steeps me in a sacred rapture to see a portrait -develop and take soul under my hand. First, I -throw off a study--just a mere study, a few apparently -random lines--and to look at it you would -hardly ever suspect who it was going to be; even I -cannot tell, myself. Take this picture, for instance:</p> - -<div class='figcenter id007'> -<img src='images/i318.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' /> -<div class='ic003'> -<p>FIRST YOU THINK IT’S DANTE; NEXT YOU THINK IT’S EMERSON; THEN YOU THINK IT’S WAYNE MAC VEAGH. YET IT ISN’T ANY OF THEM; IT’S THE BEGINNINGS OF DEPEW</p> -</div> -</div> - -<p class='c034'>First you think it’s Dante; next you think it’s -<span class='pageno' id='Page_319'>319</span>Emerson; then you think it’s Wayne Mac Veagh. -Yet it isn’t any of them; it’s the beginnings of -Depew. Now you wouldn’t believe Depew could -be devolved out of that; yet the minute it is finished -here you have him to the life, and you say, yourself, -“If that isn’t Depew it isn’t anybody.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>Some would have painted him speaking, but he -isn’t always speaking, he has to stop and think -sometimes.</p> - -<p class='c034'>That is a <em>genre</em> picture, as we say in the trade, -and differs from the encaustic and other schools in -various ways, mainly technical, which you wouldn’t -understand if I should explain them to you. But -you will get the idea as I go along, and little by -little you will learn all that is valuable about Art -without knowing how it happened, and without any -sense of strain or effort, and then you will know what -school a picture belongs to, just at a glance, and -whether it is an animal picture or a landscape. It -is then that the joy of life will begin for you.</p> - -<p class='c034'>When you come to examine my portraits of Mr. -Joe Jefferson and the rest, your eye will have become -measurably educated by that time, and you will -recognize at once that no two of them are alike. I -will close the present chapter with an example of the -nude, for your instruction.</p> - -<p class='c034'>This creation is different from any of the other -works. The others are from real life, but this is an -example of still-life; so called because it is a portrayal -of a fancy only, a thing which has no actual and active -existence. The purpose of a still-life picture is to -concrete to the eye the spiritual, the intangible, a -<span class='pageno' id='Page_320'>320</span>something which we feel, but cannot see with the -fleshy vision--such as joy, sorrow, resentment, and -so on. This is best achieved by the employment of -that treatment which we call the impressionist, in -the trade. The present example is an impressionist -picture, done in distemper, with a chiaroscuro motif -modified by monochromatic technique, so as to secure -tenderness of feeling and spirituality of expression. -At a first glance it would seem to be a Botticelli, but -it is not that; it is only a humble imitation of that -great master of longness and slimness and limbfulness.</p> - -<div class='figcenter id008'> -<img src='images/i320.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' /> -<div class='ic003'> -<p>THAT THING IN THE RIGHT HAND IS NOT A SKILLET; IT IS A TAMBOURINE</p> -</div> -</div> - -<p class='c034'>The work is imagined from Greek story, and -represents Proserpine or Persepolis, or one of those -other Bacchantes doing the solemnities of welcome -before the altar of Isis upon the arrival of the annual -<span class='pageno' id='Page_321'>321</span>shipload of Athenian youths in the island of Minos -to be sacrificed in appeasement of the Dordonian -Cyclops.</p> - -<div class='figcenter id008'> -<img src='images/i321.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' /> -<div class='ic003'> -<p>THE PORTRAIT REPRODUCES MR. JOSEPH JEFFERSON, THE COMMON FRIEND OF THE HUMAN RACE</p> -</div> -</div> - -<p class='c034'>The figure symbolizes solemn joy. It is severely -Greek, therefore does not call details of drapery or -other factitious helps to its aid, but depends wholly -upon grace of action and symmetry of contour for -its effects. It is intended to be viewed from the -south or southeast, and I think that that is best; -<span class='pageno' id='Page_322'>322</span>for while it expresses more and larger joy when viewed -from the east or the north, the features of the face -are too much foreshortened and wormy when viewed -from that point. That thing in the right hand is -not a skillet; it is a -tambourine.</p> - -<div class='figleft id009'> -<img src='images/i322.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' /> -<div class='ic003'> -<p>EITHER MR. HOWELLS OR MR. LAFFAN. I CANNOT TELL WHICH BECAUSE THE LABEL IS LOST</p> -</div> -</div> - -<p class='c034'>This creation will -be exhibited at the -Paris Salon in June, -and will compete for -the <span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr"><i>Prix de Rome</i></span>.</p> - -<p class='c034'>The above is a -marine picture, and -is intended to educate -the eye in the -important matters -of perspective and -foreshortening. The -mountainous and -bounding waves in -the foreground, contrasted -with the -tranquil ship fading -away as in a dream -the other side of the fishing-pole, convey to us the idea -of space and distance as no words could do. Such -is the miracle wrought by that wondrous device, -perspective.</p> - -<p class='c034'>The portrait reproduces Mr. Joseph Jefferson, the -common friend of the human race. He is fishing, -and is not catching anything. This is finely expressed -by the moisture in the eye and the anguish of the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_323'>323</span>mouth. The mouth is holding back words. The -pole is bamboo, the line is foreshortened. This foreshortening, -together with the smoothness of the -water away out there where the cork is, gives a -powerful impression of distance, and is another way -of achieving a perspective effect.</p> - -<p class='c034'>We now come to the next portrait, which is -either Mr. Howells or Mr. Laffan. I cannot tell -which, because the label is lost. But it will do for -both, because the features are Mr. Howells’s, while -the expression is Mr. Laffan’s. This work will bear -critical examination.</p> - -<p class='c034'>The next picture is part of an animal, but I do -not know the name of it. It is not finished. The -front end of it went around a corner before I could -get to it.</p> - -<div class='figcenter id006'> -<img src='images/i323.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' /> -<div class='ic003'> -<p>THE FRONT END OF IT WENT AROUND A CORNER BEFORE I COULD GET TO IT</p> -</div> -</div> - -<div class='figleft id009'> -<img src='images/i324.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' /> -<div class='ic003'> -<p>THE BEST AND MOST WINNING AND ELOQUENT PORTRAIT MY BRUSH HAS EVER PRODUCED</p> -</div> -</div> - -<p class='c034'>We will conclude with the portrait of a lady in -the style of Raphael. Originally I started it out for -Queen Elizabeth, but was not able to do the lace -hopper her head projects out of, therefore I tried to -turn it into Pocahontas, but was again baffled, and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_324'>324</span>was compelled to make further modifications, this -time achieving success. By spiritualizing it and -turning it into the noble mother of our race and -throwing into the countenance the sacred joy which -her first tailor-made outfit infuses into her spirit, -I was enabled to add to my gallery the best and -most winning and -eloquent portrait my -brush has ever produced.</p> - -<p class='c034'>The most effective -encouragement a beginner -can have is -the encouragement -which he gets from -noting his own progress -with an alert -and persistent eye. -Save up your works -and date them; as -the years go by, run -your eye over them -from time to time, -and measure your -advancing stride. -This will thrill you, -this will nerve you, this will inspire you as nothing -else can.</p> - -<p class='c034'>It has been my own course, and to it I owe the -most that I am to-day in Art. When I look back and -examine my first effort and then compare it with -my latest, it seems unbelievable that I have climbed -<span class='pageno' id='Page_325'>325</span>so high in thirty-one years. Yet so it is. Practice--that -is the secret. From three to seven hours a day. -It is all that is required. The results are sure; -whereas indolence achieves nothing great.</p> - -<div class='figcenter id010'> -<img src='images/i325.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' /> -<div class='ic003'> -<p>IT SEEMS UNBELIEVABLE THAT I HAVE CLIMBED SO HIGH IN THIRTY-ONE YEARS</p> -</div> -</div> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_326'>326</span> - <h2 class='c007'>SOLD TO SATAN <br /> <span class='small'>(1904)</span></h2> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_2_0_4 c033'>It was at this time that I concluded to sell my -soul to Satan. Steel was away down, so was -St. Paul; it was the same with all the desirable -stocks, in fact, and so, if I did not turn out to be -away down myself, now was my time to raise a stake -and make my fortune. Without further consideration -I sent word to the local agent, Mr. Blank, with -description and present condition of the property, -and an interview with Satan was promptly arranged, -on a basis of 2½ per cent, this commission payable -only in case a trade should be consummated.</p> - -<p class='c034'>I sat in the dark, waiting and thinking. How still -it was! Then came the deep voice of a far-off bell -proclaiming midnight--Boom-m-m! Boom-m-m! -Boom-m-m!--and I rose to receive my guest, and -braced myself for the thunder crash and the brimstone -stench which should announce his arrival. -But there was no crash, no stench. Through the -closed door, and noiseless, came the modern Satan, -just as we see him on the stage--tall, slender, graceful, -in tights and trunks, a short cape mantling his -shoulders, a rapier at his side, a single drooping -feather in his jaunty cap, and on his intellectual -face the well-known and high-bred Mephistophelian -smile.</p> - -<p class='c034'><span class='pageno' id='Page_327'>327</span>But he was not a fire coal; he was not red, no! -On the contrary. He was a softly glowing, richly -smoldering torch, column, statue of pallid light, -faintly tinted with a spiritual green, and out from -him a lunar splendor flowed such as one sees glinting -from the crinkled waves of tropic seas when the -moon rides high in cloudless skies.</p> - -<p class='c034'>He made his customary stage obeisance, resting -his left hand upon his sword hilt and removing his -cap with his right and making that handsome sweep -with it which we know so well; then we sat down. -Ah, he was an incandescent glory, a nebular dream, -and so much improved by his change of color. He -must have seen the admiration in my illuminated -face, but he took no notice of it, being long ago used -to it in faces of other Christians with whom he had -had trade relations.</p> - -<p class='c034'>... A half hour of hot toddy and weather chat, -mixed with occasional tentative feelers on my part -and rejoinders of, “Well, I could hardly pay <em>that</em> for -it, you know,” on his, had much modified my shyness -and put me so much at my ease that I was -emboldened to feed my curiosity a little. So I -chanced the remark that he was surprisingly different -from the traditions, and I wished I knew what it was -he was made of. He was not offended, but answered -with frank simplicity:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Radium!”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“That accounts for it!” I exclaimed. “It is the -loveliest effulgence I have ever seen. The hard and -heartless glare of the electric doesn’t compare with it. -I suppose Your Majesty weighs about--about----”</p> - -<p class='c034'><span class='pageno' id='Page_328'>328</span>“I stand six feet one; fleshed and blooded I would -weigh two hundred and fifteen; but radium, like -other metals, is heavy. I weigh nine hundred-odd.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>I gazed hungrily upon him, saying to myself:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“What riches! what a mine! Nine hundred -pounds at, say, $3,500,000 a pound, would be--would -be----” Then a treacherous thought burst -into my mind!</p> - -<p class='c034'>He laughed a good hearty laugh, and said:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“I perceive your thought; and what a handsomely -original idea it is!--to kidnap Satan, and stock him, -and incorporate him, and water the stock up to ten -billions--just three times its actual value--and -blanket the world with it!” My blush had turned -the moonlight to a crimson mist, such as veils and -spectralizes the domes and towers of Florence at -sunset and makes the spectator drunk with joy to -see, and he pitied me, and dropped his tone of irony, -and assumed a grave and reflective one which had a -pleasanter sound for me, and under its kindly -influence my pains were presently healed, and I -thanked him for his courtesy. Then he said:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“One good turn deserves another, and I will pay -you a compliment. Do you know I have been -trading with your poor pathetic race for ages, and -you are the first person who has ever been intelligent -enough to divine the large commercial value of my -make-up.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>I purred to myself and looked as modest as I -could.</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Yes, you are the first,” he continued. “All -through the Middle Ages I used to buy Christian -<span class='pageno' id='Page_329'>329</span>souls at fancy rates, building bridges and cathedrals -in a single night in return, and getting swindled out -of my Christian nearly every time that I dealt with -a priest--as history will concede--but making it -up on the lay square-dealer now and then, as <em>I</em> -admit; but none of those people ever guessed where -the <em>real</em> big money lay. You are the first.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>I refilled his glass and gave him another Cavour. -But he was experienced, by this time. He inspected -the cigar pensively awhile; then:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“What do you pay for these?” he asked.</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Two cents--but they come cheaper when you -take a barrel.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>He went on inspecting; also mumbling comments, -apparently to himself:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Black--rough-skinned--rumpled, irregular, -wrinkled, barky, with crispy curled-up places on it--burnt-leather -aspect, like the shoes of the damned -that sit in pairs before the room doors at home of a -Sunday morning.” He sighed at thought of his -home, and was silent a moment; then he said, -gently, “Tell me about this projectile.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“It is the discovery of a great Italian statesman,” -I said. “Cavour. One day he lit his cigar, then -laid it down and went on writing and forgot it. It -lay in a pool of ink and got soaked. By and by he -noticed it and laid it on the stove to dry. When it -was dry he lit it and at once noticed that it didn’t -taste the same as it did before. And so----”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Did he say what it tasted like before?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“No, I think not. But he called the government -chemist and told him to find out the source of that -<span class='pageno' id='Page_330'>330</span>new taste, and report. The chemist applied the -tests, and reported that the source was the presence -of sulphate of iron, touched up and spiritualized with -vinegar--the combination out of which one makes -ink. Cavour told him to introduce the brand in the -interest of the finances. So, ever since then this -brand passes through the ink factory, with the great -result that both the ink and the cigar suffer a sea -change into something new and strange. This is -history, Sire, not a work of the imagination.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>So then he took up his present again, and touched -it to the forefinger of his other hand for an instant, -which made it break into flame and fragrance--but -he changed his mind at that point and laid the -torpedo down, saying, courteously:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“With permission I will save it for Voltaire.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>I was greatly pleased and flattered to be connected -in even this little way with that great man and be -mentioned to him, as no doubt would be the case, -so I hastened to fetch a bundle of fifty for distribution -among others of the renowned and lamented--Goethe, -and Homer, and Socrates, and Confucius, -and so on--but Satan said he had nothing against -those. Then he dropped back into reminiscences -of the old times once more, and presently said:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“They knew nothing about radium, and it would -have had no value for them if they had known about -it. In twenty million years it has had no value for -your race until the revolutionizing steam-and-machinery -age was born--which was only a few -years before you were born yourself. It was a -stunning little century, for sure, that nineteenth! -<span class='pageno' id='Page_331'>331</span>But it’s a poor thing compared to what the twentieth -is going to be.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>By request, he explained why he thought so.</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Because power was so costly, then, and everything -goes by power--the steamship, the locomotive, -and everything else. Coal, you see! You have to -have it; no steam and no electricity without it; -and it’s such a waste--for you burn it up, and it’s -gone! But radium--that’s another matter! With -my nine hundred pounds you could light the world, -and heat it, and run all its ships and machines and -railways a hundred million years, and not use up -five pounds of it in the whole time! And then----”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Quick--my soul is yours, dear Ancestor; take -it--we’ll start a company!”</p> - -<p class='c034'>But he asked my age, which is sixty-eight, then -politely sidetracked the proposition, probably not -wishing to take advantage of himself. Then he went -on talking admiringly of radium, and how with its -own natural and inherent heat it could go on melting -its own weight of ice twenty-four times in twenty-four -hours, and keep it up forever without losing -bulk or weight; and how a pound of it, if exposed -in this room, would blast the place like a breath -from hell, and burn me to a crisp in a quarter of a -minute--and was going on like that, but I interrupted -and said:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“But <em>you</em> are here, Majesty--nine hundred pounds--and -the temperature is balmy and pleasant. I don’t -understand.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Well,” he said, hesitatingly, “it is a secret, but -I may as well reveal it, for these prying and impertinent -<span class='pageno' id='Page_332'>332</span>chemists are going to find it out sometime or -other, anyway. Perhaps you have read what -Madame Curie says about radium; how she goes -searching among its splendid secrets and seizes upon -one after another of them and italicizes its specialty; -how she says ‘the compounds of radium are <em>spontaneously -luminous</em>’--require no coal in the production -of light, you see; how she says, ‘a glass vessel containing -radium <em>spontaneously charges itself with electricity</em>’--no -coal or water power required to generate -it, you see; how she says ‘radium possesses the -remarkable property of <em>liberating heat spontaneously -and continuously</em>’--no coal required to fire-up on the -world’s machinery, you see. She ransacks the pitch-blende -for its radioactive substances, and captures -three and labels them; one, which is embodied with -bismuth, she names polonium; one, which is embodied -with barium, she names radium; the name given to -the third was actinium. Now listen; she says ‘<em>the -question now was to separate the polonium from the -bismuth</em> ... this is the task that has occupied us -for years and has been a most difficult one.’ For -years, you see--for <em>years</em>. That is their way, those -plagues, those scientists--peg, peg, peg--dig, dig, -dig--plod, plod, plod. I wish I could catch a cargo -of them for my place; it would be an economy. Yes, -for years, you see. They never give up. Patience, -hope, faith, perseverance; it is the way of all the -breed. Columbus and the rest. In radium this -lady has added a new world to the planet’s possessions, -and matched--Columbus--and his peer. She -has set herself the task of divorcing polonium and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_333'>333</span>bismuth; when she succeeds she will have done--what, -should you say?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Pray name it, Majesty.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“It’s another new world added--a gigantic one. -I will explain; for you would never divine the size -of it, and she herself does not suspect it.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Do, Majesty, I beg of you.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Polonium, freed from bismuth and made independent, -is the one and only power that can control -radium, restrain its destructive forces, tame them, -reduce them to obedience, and make them do useful -and profitable work for your race. Examine my -skin. What do you think of it?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“It is delicate, silky, transparent, thin as a gelatine -film--exquisite, beautiful, Majesty!”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“It is made of polonium. All the rest of me is -radium. If I should strip off my skin the world -would vanish away in a flash of flame and a puff of -smoke, and the remnants of the extinguished moon -would sift down through space a mere snow-shower -of gray ashes!”</p> - -<p class='c034'>I made no comment, I only trembled.</p> - -<p class='c034'>“You understand, now,” he continued. “I burn, -I suffer within, my pains are measureless and eternal, -but my skin protects you and the globe from harm. -Heat is power, energy, but is only useful to man when -he can control it and graduate its application to his -needs. You cannot do that with radium, now; it -will not be prodigiously useful to you until polonium -shall put the slave whip in your hand. I can release -from my body the radium force in any measure I -please, great or small; at my will I can set in motion -<span class='pageno' id='Page_334'>334</span>the works of a lady’s watch or destroy a world. You -saw me light that unholy cigar with my finger?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>I remembered it.</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Try to imagine how minute was the fraction of -energy released to do that small thing! You are -aware that everything is made up of restless and -revolving molecules?--everything--furniture, rocks, -water, iron, horses, men--everything that exists.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Yes.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Molecules of scores of different sizes and weights, -but none of them big enough to be seen by help of -any microscope?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Yes.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“And that each molecule is made up of thousands -of separate and never-resting little particles called -atoms?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Yes.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“And that up to recent times the smallest atom -known to science was the hydrogen atom, which was -a thousand times smaller than the atom that went -to the building of any other molecule?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Yes.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Well, the radium atom from the positive pole -is 5,000 times smaller than <em>that</em> atom! This unspeakably -minute atom is called an <em>electron</em>. Now then, -out of my long affection for you and for your lineage, -I will reveal to you a secret--a secret known to no -scientist as yet--the secret of the firefly’s light and -the glowworm’s; it is produced by a single electron -imprisoned in a polonium atom.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Sire, it is a wonderful thing, and the scientific -world would be grateful to know this secret, which -<span class='pageno' id='Page_335'>335</span>has baffled and defeated all its searchings for more -than two centuries. To think!--a single electron, -5,000 times smaller than the invisible hydrogen -atom, to produce that explosion of vivid light which -makes the summer night so beautiful!”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“And consider,” said Satan; “it is the only -instance in all nature where radium exists in a pure -state unencumbered by fettering alliances; where -polonium enjoys the like emancipation; and where -the pair are enabled to labor together in a gracious -and beneficent and effective partnership. Suppose -the protecting polonium envelope were removed; the -radium spark would flash but once and the firefly -would be consumed to vapor! Do you value this -old iron letterpress?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“No, Majesty, for it is not mine.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Then I will destroy it and let you see. I lit -the ostensible cigar with the heat energy of a single -electron, the equipment of a single lightning bug. -I will turn on twenty thousand electrons now.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>He touched the massive thing and it exploded -with a cannon crash, leaving nothing but vacancy -where it had stood. For three minutes the air was -a dense pink fog of sparks, through which Satan -loomed dim and vague, then the place cleared and -his soft rich moonlight pervaded it again. He said:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“You see? The radium in 20,000 lightning bugs -would run a racing-mobile forever. There’s no waste, -no diminution of it.” Then he remarked in a quite -casual way, “We use nothing but radium at home.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>I was astonished. And interested, too, for I have -friends there, and relatives. I had always believed--in -<span class='pageno' id='Page_336'>336</span>accordance with my early teachings--that the -fuel was soft coal and brimstone. He noticed the -thought, and answered it.</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Soft coal and brimstone is the tradition, yes, but -it is an error. We could use it; at least we could -make out with it after a fashion, but it has several -defects: it is not cleanly, it ordinarily makes but a -temperate fire, and it would be exceedingly difficult, -if even possible, to heat it up to standard, Sundays; -and as for the supply, all the worlds and systems -could not furnish enough to keep us going halfway -through eternity. Without radium there could be -no hell; certainly not a satisfactory one.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Why?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Because if we hadn’t radium we should have to -dress the souls in some other material; then, of -course, they would burn up and get out of trouble. -They would not last an hour. You know that?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Why--yes, now that you mention it. But I supposed -they were dressed in their natural flesh; they -look so in the pictures--in the Sistine Chapel and in -the illustrated books, you know.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Yes, our damned look as they looked in the -world, but it isn’t flesh; flesh could not survive any -longer than that copying press survived--it would -explode and turn to a fog of sparks, and the result -desired in sending it there would be defeated. Believe -me, radium is the only wear.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“I see it now,” I said, with prophetic discomfort, -“I know that you are right, Majesty.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“I am. I speak from experience. You shall see, -when you get there.”</p> - -<p class='c034'><span class='pageno' id='Page_337'>337</span>He said this as if he thought I was eaten up with -curiosity, but it was because he did not know me. -He sat reflecting a minute, then he said:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“I will make your fortune.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>It cheered me up and I felt better. I thanked -him and was all eagerness and attention.</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Do you know,” he continued, “where they find -the bones of the extinct moa, in New Zealand? All -in a pile--thousands and thousands of them banked -together in a mass twenty feet deep. And do you -know where they find the tusks of the extinct mastodon -of the Pleistocene? Banked together in acres -off the mouth of the Lena--an ivory mine which has -furnished freight for Chinese caravans for five hundred -years. Do you know the phosphate beds of -our South? They are miles in extent, a limitless -mass and jumble of bones of vast animals whose -like exists no longer in the earth--a cemetery, a -mighty cemetery, that is what it is. All over the -earth there are such cemeteries. Whence came the -instinct that made those families of creatures go to -a chosen and particular spot to die when sickness -came upon them and they perceived that their end -was near? It is a mystery; not even science has -been able to uncover the secret of it. But there -stands the fact. Listen, then. For a million years -there has been a firefly cemetery.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>Hopefully, appealingly, I opened my mouth--he -motioned me to close it, and went on:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“It is in a scooped-out bowl half as big as this -room on the top of a snow summit of the Cordilleras. -That bowl is level full--of what? Pure firefly -<span class='pageno' id='Page_338'>338</span>radium and the glow and heat of hell? For -countless ages myriads of fireflies have daily flown -thither and died in that bowl and been burned to -vapor in an instant, each fly leaving as its contribution -its only indestructible particle, its single electron -of pure radium. There is energy enough there to -light the whole world, heat the whole world’s machinery, -supply the whole world’s transportation power -from now till the end of eternity. The massed -riches of the planet could not furnish its value in -money. You are mine, it is yours; when Madame -Curie isolates polonium, clothe yourself in a skin of -it and go and take possession!”</p> - -<p class='c034'>Then he vanished and left me in the dark when -I was just in the act of thanking him. I can find -the bowl by the light it will cast upon the sky; I -can get the polonium presently, when that illustrious -lady in France isolates it from the bismuth. Stock -is for sale. Apply to Mark Twain.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_339'>339</span> - <h2 class='c007'>THAT DAY IN EDEN <br /> <span class='small'>(Passage from Satan’s Diary)</span></h2> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_2_0_4 c033'>Long ago I was in the bushes near the Tree of -Knowledge when the Man and the Woman -came there and had a conversation. I was present, -now, when they came again after all these years. -They were as before--mere boy and girl--trim, -rounded, slender, flexible, snow images lightly -flushed with the pink of the skies, innocently unconscious -of their nakedness, lovely to look upon, -beautiful beyond words.</p> - -<p class='c034'>I listened again. Again as in that former time -they puzzled over those words, Good, Evil, Death, -and tried to reason out their meaning; but, of course, -they were not able to do it. Adam said:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Come, maybe we can find Satan. He might -know these things.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>Then I came forth, still gazing upon Eve and -admiring, and said to her:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“You have not seen me before, sweet creature, -but I have seen you. I have seen all the animals, -but in beauty none of them equals you. Your hair, -your eyes, your face, your flesh tints, your form, the -tapering grace of your white limbs--all are beautiful, -adorable, perfect.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>It gave her pleasure, and she looked herself over, -putting out a foot and a hand and admiring them; -then she naïvely said:</p> - -<p class='c034'><span class='pageno' id='Page_340'>340</span>“It is a joy to be so beautiful. And Adam--he is -the same.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>She turned him about, this way and that, to show -him off, with such guileless pride in her blue eyes, -and he--he took it all as just matter of course, and -was innocently happy in it, and said, “When I have -flowers on my head it is better still.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>Eve said, “It is true--you shall see,” and she -flitted hither and thither like a butterfly and plucked -flowers, and in a moment laced their stems together -in a glowing wreath and set it upon his head; then -tiptoed and gave it a pat here and there with her -nimble fingers, with each pat enhancing its grace -and shape, none knows how, nor why it should so -result, but in it there is a law somewhere, though -the delicate art and mystery of it is her secret alone, -and not learnable by another; and when at last it -was to her mind she clapped her hands for pleasure, -then reached up and kissed him--as pretty a sight, -taken altogether, as in my experience I have seen.</p> - -<p class='c034'>Presently, to the matter in hand. The meaning -of those words--would I tell her?</p> - -<p class='c034'>Certainly none could be more willing, but how -was I to do it? I could think of no way to make her -understand, and I said so. I said:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“I will try, but it is hardly of use. For instance--what -is pain?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Pain? I do not know.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Certainly. How should you? Pain is not of -your world; pain is impossible to you; you have -never experienced a physical pain. Reduce that to -a formula, a principle, and what have we?”</p> - -<p class='c034'><span class='pageno' id='Page_341'>341</span>“What have we?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“This: Things which are outside of our orbit--our -own particular world--things which by our constitution -and equipment we are unable to see, or -feel, or otherwise experience--<em>cannot be made comprehensible -to us in words</em>. There you have the whole -thing in a nutshell. It is a principle, it is axiomatic, -it is a law. Now do you understand?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>The gentle creature looked dazed, and for all -result she was delivered of this vacant remark:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“What is axiomatic?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>She had missed the point. Necessarily she would. -Yet her effort was success for me, for it was a vivid -confirmation of the truth of what I had been saying. -Axiomatic was for the present a thing outside of the -world of her experience, therefore it had no meaning -for her. I ignored her question and continued:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“What is fear?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Fear? I do not know.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Naturally. Why should you? You have not -felt it, you cannot feel it, it does not belong in your -world. With a hundred thousand words I should -not be able to make you understand what fear is. -How then am I to explain death to you? You have -never seen it, it is foreign to your world, it is impossible -to make the word mean anything to you, so -far as I can see. In a way, it is a sleep----”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Oh, I know what that is!”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“But it is a sleep only in a way, as I said. It is -more than a sleep.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Sleep is pleasant, sleep is lovely!”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“But death is a long sleep--very long.”</p> - -<p class='c034'><span class='pageno' id='Page_342'>342</span>“Oh, all the lovelier! Therefore I think nothing -could be better than death.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>I said to myself, “Poor child, some day you may -know what a pathetic truth you have spoken; some -day you may say, out of a broken heart, ‘Come to -me, O Death the compassionate! steep me in the -merciful oblivion, O refuge of the sorrowful, friend -of the forsaken and the desolate!’” Then I said -aloud, “But this sleep is eternal.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>The word went over her head. Necessarily it -would.</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Eternal. What is eternal?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Ah, that also is outside of your world, as yet. -There is no way to make you understand it.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>It was a hopeless case. Words referring to things -outside of her experience were a foreign language to -her, and meaningless. She was like a little baby -whose mother says to it, “Don’t put your finger in -the candle flame; it will burn you.” Burn--it is a -foreign word to the baby, and will have no terrors -for it until experience shall have revealed its meaning. -It is not worth while for mamma to make the remark, -the baby will goo-goo cheerfully, and put its finger -in the pretty flame--once. After these private reflections -I said again that I did not think there was any -way to make her understand the meaning of the -word eternal. She was silent awhile, turning these -deep matters over in the unworn machinery of her -mind; then she gave up the puzzle and shifted her -ground, saying:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Well, there are those other words. What is -good, and what is evil?”</p> - -<p class='c034'><span class='pageno' id='Page_343'>343</span>“It is another difficulty. They, again, are outside -of your world; they have place in the moral -kingdom only. You have no morals.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“What are morals?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“A system of law which distinguishes between right -and wrong, good morals and bad. These things do -not exist for you. I cannot make it clear; you would -not understand.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“But try.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Well, obedience to constituted authority is a -moral law. Suppose Adam should forbid you to put -your child in the river and leave it there overnight--would -you put the child there?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>She answered with a darling simplicity and -guilelessness:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Why, yes, if I wanted to.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“There, it is just as I said--you would not know -any better; you have no idea of duty, command, -obedience; they have no meaning for you. In your -present estate you are in no possible way responsible -for anything you do or say or think. It is impossible -for you to do wrong, for you have no more notion -of right and wrong than the other animals have. -You and they can do only right; whatever you and -they do is right and innocent. It is a divine estate, -the loftiest and purest attainable in heaven and in -earth. It is the angel gift. The angels are wholly -pure and sinless, for they do not know right from -wrong, and all the acts of such are blameless. No -one can do wrong without knowing how to distinguish -between right and wrong.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Is it an advantage to know?”</p> - -<p class='c034'><span class='pageno' id='Page_344'>344</span>“Most certainly not! That knowledge would -remove all that is divine, all that is angelic, from -the angels, and immeasurably degrade them.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Are there any persons that know right from -wrong?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Not in--well, not in heaven.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“What gives that knowledge?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“The Moral Sense.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“What is that?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Well--no matter. Be thankful that you lack it.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Why?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Because it is a degradation, a disaster. Without -it one cannot do wrong; with it, one can. Therefore -it has but one office, only one--to teach how to do -wrong. It can teach no other thing--no other -thing whatever. It is the <em>creator</em> of wrong; wrong -cannot exist until the Moral Sense brings it into -being.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“How can one acquire the Moral Sense?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“By eating of the fruit of the Tree, here. But -why do you wish to know? Would you like to have -the Moral Sense?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>She turned wistfully to Adam:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Would you like to have it?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>He showed no particular interest, and only said:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“I am indifferent. I have not understood any of -this talk, but if you like we will eat it, for I cannot -see that there is any objection to it.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>Poor ignorant things, the command of refrain had -meant nothing to them, they were but children, and -could not understand untried things and verbal -abstractions which stood for matters outside of their -<span class='pageno' id='Page_345'>345</span>little world and their narrow experience. Eve -reached for an apple!--oh, farewell, Eden and your -sinless joys, come poverty and pain, hunger and -cold and heartbreak, bereavement, tears and shame, -envy, strife, malice and dishonor, age, weariness, -remorse; then desperation and the prayer for the -release of death, indifferent that the gates of hell -yawn beyond it!</p> - -<p class='c034'>She tasted--the fruit fell from her hand.</p> - -<p class='c034'>It was pitiful. She was like one who wakens slow -and confusedly out of a sleep. She gazed half -vacantly at me, then at Adam, holding her curtaining -fleece of golden hair back with her hand; then -her wandering glance fell upon her naked person. -The red blood mounted to her cheek, and she sprang -behind a bush and stood there crying, and saying:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Oh, my modesty is lost to me--my unoffending -form is become a shame to me!” She moaned and -muttered in her pain, and dropped her head, saying, -“I am degraded--I have fallen, oh, so low, and I -shall never rise again.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>Adam’s eyes were fixed upon her in a dreamy -amazement, for he could not understand what had -happened, it being outside his world as yet, and her -words having no meaning for one void of the Moral -Sense. And now his wonder grew: for, unknown -to Eve, her hundred years rose upon her, and faded -the heaven of her eyes and the tints of her young -flesh, and touched her hair with gray, and traced -faint sprays of wrinkles about her mouth and eyes, -and shrunk her form, and dulled the satin luster of -her skin.</p> - -<p class='c034'><span class='pageno' id='Page_346'>346</span>All this the fair boy saw: then loyally and bravely -he took the apple and tasted it, saying nothing.</p> - -<p class='c034'>The change came upon him also. Then he gathered -boughs for both and clothed their nakedness, and -they turned and went their way, hand in hand and -bent with age, and so passed from sight.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_347'>347</span> - <h2 class='c007'>EVE SPEAKS</h2> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c035'> - <div>I</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_2_0_4 c036'>They drove us from the Garden with their swords -of flame, the fierce cherubim. And what had we -done? We meant no harm. We were ignorant, and -did as any other children might do. We could not -know it was wrong to disobey the command, for -the words were strange to us and we did not understand -them. We did not know right from wrong--how -should we know? We could not, without the -Moral Sense; it was not possible. If we had been -given the Moral Sense first--ah, that would have -been fairer, that would have been kinder; then we -should be to blame if we disobeyed. But to say to -us poor ignorant children words which we could not -understand, and then punish us because we did not -do as we were told--ah, how can that be justified? -We knew no more then than this littlest child of -mine knows now, with its four years--oh, not so -much, I think. Would I say to it, “If thou touchest -this bread I will overwhelm thee with unimaginable -disaster, even to the dissolution of thy corporeal -elements,” and when it took the bread and smiled -up in my face, thinking no harm, as not understanding -those strange words, would I take advantage of -its innocence and strike it down with the mother -hand it trusted? Whoso knoweth the mother heart, -let him judge if it would do that thing. Adam says -<span class='pageno' id='Page_348'>348</span>my brain is turned by my troubles and that I am -become wicked. I am as I am; I did not make -myself.</p> - -<p class='c034'>They drove us out. Drove us out into this harsh -wilderness, and shut the gates against us. We that -had meant no harm. It is three months. We were -ignorant then; we are rich in learning, now--ah, -how rich! We know hunger, thirst, and cold; we -know pain, disease, and grief; we know hate, rebellion, -and deceit; we know remorse, the conscience -that prosecutes guilt and innocence alike, making -no distinction; we know weariness of body and spirit, -the unrefreshing sleep, the rest which rests not, the -dreams which restore Eden, and banish it again with -the waking; we know misery; we know torture and -the heartbreak; we know humiliation and insult; -we know indecency, immodesty, and the soiled -mind; we know the scorn that attaches to the transmitted -image of God exposed unclothed to the day; -we know fear; we know vanity, folly, envy, hypocrisy; -we know irreverence; we know blasphemy; -we know right from wrong, and how to avoid the -one and do the other; we know all the rich product -of the Moral Sense, and it is our possession. Would -we could sell it for one hour of Eden and white -purity; would we could degrade the animals with it!</p> - -<p class='c034'>We have it all--that treasure. All but death. -Death.... Death. What may that be?</p> - -<p class='c034'>Adam comes.</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Well?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“He still sleeps.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>That is our second-born--our Abel.</p> - -<p class='c034'><span class='pageno' id='Page_349'>349</span>“He has slept enough for his good, and his garden -suffers for his care. Wake him.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“I have tried and cannot.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Then he is very tired. Let him sleep on.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“I think it is his hurt that makes him sleep so -long.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>I answer: “It may be so. Then we will let him -rest; no doubt the sleep is healing it.”</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c023'> - <div>II</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c034'>It is a day and a night, now, that he has slept. -We found him by his altar in his field, that morning, -his face and body drenched in blood. He said his -eldest brother struck him down. Then he spoke no -more and fell asleep. We laid him in his bed and -washed the blood away, and were glad to know the -hurt was light and that he had no pain; for if he -had had pain he would not have slept.</p> - -<p class='c034'>It was in the early morning that we found him. -All day he slept that sweet, reposeful sleep, lying -always on his back, and never moving, never turning. -It showed how tired he was, poor thing. He is -so good and works so hard, rising with the dawn and -laboring till the dark. And now he is overworked; -it will be best that he tax himself less, after this, and -I will ask him; he will do anything I wish.</p> - -<p class='c034'>All the day he slept. I know, for I was always -near, and made dishes for him and kept them warm -against his waking. Often I crept in and fed my -eyes upon his gentle face, and was thankful for that -blessed sleep. And still he slept on--slept with his -<span class='pageno' id='Page_350'>350</span>eyes wide; a strange thing, and made me think he -was awake at first, but it was not so, for I spoke -and he did not answer. He always answers when I -speak. Cain has moods and will not answer, but -not Abel.</p> - -<p class='c034'>I have sat by him all the night, being afraid he -might wake and want his food. His face was very -white; and it changed, and he came to look as he -had looked when he was a little child in Eden long -ago, so sweet and good and dear. It carried me back -over the abyss of years, and I was lost in dreams and -tears--oh, hours, I think. Then I came to myself; -and thinking he stirred, I kissed his cheek to wake -him, but he slumbered on and I was disappointed. -His cheek was cold. I brought sacks of wool and the -down of birds and covered him, but he was still -cold, and I brought more. Adam has come again, -and says he is not yet warm. I do not understand it.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c023'> - <div>III</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c034'>We cannot wake him! With my arms clinging -about him I have looked into his eyes, through the -veil of my tears, and begged for one little word, -and he will not answer. Oh, is it that long sleep--is -it death? And will he wake no more?</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c023'> - <div>FROM SATAN’S DIARY</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c034'>Death has entered the world, the creatures are -perishing; one of The Family is fallen; the product -of the Moral Sense is complete. The Family think -ill of death--they will change their minds.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_351'>351</span> - <h2 class='c007'>SAMUEL ERASMUS MOFFETT <br /> <span class='small'>AUGUST 16, 1908</span></h2> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c035'> - <div>HIS CHARACTER AND HIS DEATH</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_2_0_4 c036'><i>August 16th.</i>--Early in the evening of the first -day of this month the telephone brought us a -paralyzing shock: my nephew, Samuel E. Moffett, -was drowned. It was while sea bathing. The seas -were running high and he was urged not to venture -out, but he was a strong swimmer and not afraid. -He made the plunge with confidence, his frightened -little son looking on. Instantly he was helpless. -The great waves tossed him hither and thither, they -buried him, they struck the life out of him. In a -minute it was all over.</p> - -<p class='c034'>He was forty-eight years old, he was at his best, -physically and mentally, and was well on his way -toward earned distinction. He was large-minded -and large-hearted, there was no blot nor fleck upon -his character, his ideals were high and clean, and -by native impulse and without effort he lived up to -them.</p> - -<p class='c034'>He had been a working journalist, an editorial -writer, for nearly thirty years, and yet in that exposed -position had preserved his independence in full -strength and his principles undecayed. Several -years ago he accepted a high place on the staff of -<cite>Collier’s Weekly</cite> and was occupying it when he died.</p> - -<p class='c034'><span class='pageno' id='Page_352'>352</span>In an early chapter of my <cite>Autobiography</cite>, written -three years ago, I have told how he wrote from San -Francisco, when he was a stripling and asked me to -help him get a berth on a daily paper there; and -how he submitted to the severe conditions I imposed, -and got the berth and kept it sixteen years.</p> - -<p class='c034'>As child and lad his health was delicate, capricious, -insecure, and his eyesight affected by a malady which -debarred him from book study and from reading. -This was a bitter hardship for him, for he had a -wonderful memory and a sharp hunger for knowledge. -School was not for him, yet while still a little boy he -acquired an education, and a good one. He managed -it after a method of his own devising: he got permission -to listen while the classes of the normal -school recited their abstruse lessons and black-boarded -their mathematics. By questioning the -little chap it was found that he was keeping up -with the star scholars of the school.</p> - -<p class='c034'>In those days he paid us a visit in Hartford. It -was when he was about twelve years old. I was -laboriously constructing an ancient-history game at -the time, to be played by my wife and myself, and -I was digging the dates and facts for it out of -cyclopædias, a dreary and troublesome business. I -had sweated blood over that work and was pardonably -proud of the result, as far as I had gone. I -showed the child my mass of notes, and he was at -once as excited as I should have been over a Sunday-school -picnic at his age. He wanted to help, he -was eager to help, and I was as willing to let him -as I should have been to give away an interest in a -<span class='pageno' id='Page_353'>353</span>surgical operation that I was getting tired of. I -made him free of the cyclopædias, but he never consulted -them--he had their contents in his head. All -alone he built and completed the game rapidly and -without effort.</p> - -<p class='c034'>Away back in ’80 or ’81 when the grand eruption -of Krakatoa, in the Straits of Sunda, occurred, the -news reached San Francisco late in the night--too -late for editors to hunt for information about that -unknown volcano in cyclopædias and write it up -exhaustively and learnedly in time for the first edition. -The managing editor said, “Send to Moffett’s -home; rout him out and fetch him; he will know -all about it; he won’t need the cyclopædia.” Which -was true. He came to the office and swiftly wrote -it all up without having to refer to books.</p> - -<p class='c034'>I will take a few paragraphs from the article about -him in <cite>Collier’s Weekly</cite>:</p> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c034'>If you wanted to know any fact about any subject it was -quicker to go to him than to books of reference. His good -nature made him the martyr of interruptions. In the middle -of a sentence, in a hurry hour, he would look up happily, and -whether the thing you wanted was railroad statistics or international -law, he would bring it out of one of the pigeonholes in -his brain. A born dispenser of the light, he made the giving of -information a privilege and a pleasure on all occasions.</p> - -<p class='c034'>This cyclopædic faculty was marvelous because it was only -a small part of his equipment which became invaluable in -association with other gifts. A student and a humanist, he -delighted equally in books and in watching all the workings of -a political convention.</p> - -<p class='c034'>For any one of the learned professions he had conspicuous -ability. He chose that which, in the cloister of the editorial -rooms, makes fame for others. Any judge or Cabinet Minister -of our time may well be proud of a career of such usefulness -<span class='pageno' id='Page_354'>354</span>as his. Men with such a quality of mind as Moffett’s are -rare.</p> - -<p class='c034'>Anyone who discussed with him the things he advocated -stood a little awed to discover that here was a man who had -carefully thought out what would be best for all the people in -the world two or three generations hence, and guided his work -according to that standard. This was the one broad subject -that covered all his interests; in detail they included the movement -for universal peace about which he wrote repeatedly; so -small a thing as a plan to place flowers on the window sills and -fire escapes of New York tenement houses enlisted not only the -advocacy of his pen, but his direct personal presence and -co-operation; again and again, in his department in this paper, -he gave indorsement and aid to similar movements, whether -broad or narrow in their scope--the saving of the American -forests, fighting tuberculosis, providing free meals for poor -school children in New York, old-age pensions, safety appliances -for protecting factory employees, the beautifying of American -cities, the creation of inland waterways, industrial peace.</p> - -</div> - -<p class='c034'>He leaves behind him wife, daughter, and son--inconsolable -mourners. The son is thirteen, a beautiful -human creature, with the broad and square face -of his father and his grandfather, a face in which -one reads high character and intelligence. This boy -will be distinguished, by and by, I think.</p> - -<p class='c034'>In closing this slight sketch of Samuel E. Moffett -I wish to dwell with lingering and especial emphasis -upon the dignity of his character and ideals. In an -age when we would rather have money than health, -and would rather have another man’s money than -our own, he lived and died unsordid; in a day when -the surest road to national greatness and admiration -is by showy and rotten demagoguery in politics and -by giant crimes in finance, he lived and died a -gentleman.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_355'>355</span> - <h2 class='c007'>THE NEW PLANET</h2> -</div> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c037'>(The astronomers at Harvard have observed “perturbations -in the orbital movement of Neptune,” such as might be caused -by the presence of a new planet in the vicinity.)</p> - -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_0_0_4 c033'>I believe in the new planet. I was eleven -years old in 1846, when Leverrier and Adams -and Mary Somerville discovered Neptune through -the disturbance and discomfort it was causing -Uranus. “Perturbations,” they call that kind of -disturbance. I had been having those perturbations -myself, for more than two months; in fact, all -through watermelon time, for they used to keep -dogs in some of the patches in those days. You -notice that these recent perturbations are considered -remarkable because they perturbate through three -seconds of arc, but really that is nothing: often I -used to perturbate through as much as half an hour -if it was a dog that was attending to the perturbating. -There isn’t any Neptune that can outperturbate -a dog; and I know, because I am not speaking -from hearsay. Why, if there was a planet two -hundred and fifty thousand “light-years” the other -side of Neptune’s orbit, Professor Pickering would -discover it in a minute if it could perturbate equal -to a dog. Give me a dog every time, when it comes -to perturbating. You let a dog jump out at you all -of a sudden in the dark of the moon, and you will -<span class='pageno' id='Page_356'>356</span>see what a small thing three seconds of arc is: the -shudder that goes through you then would open the -seams of Noah’s Ark itself, from figurehead to rudder -post, and you would drop that melon the same as if -you had never had any but just a casual interest in -it. I know about these things, because this is not -tradition I am writing, but history.</p> - -<p class='c034'>Now then, notice this. About the end of August, -1846, a change came over me and I resolved to lead -a better life, so I reformed; but it was just as well, -anyway, because they had got to having guns and -dogs both. Although I was reformed, the perturbations -did not stop! Does that strike you? They -did not stop, they went right on and on and on, for -three weeks, clear up to the 23d of September; then -Neptune was discovered and the whole mystery -stood explained. It shows that I am so sensitively -constructed that I perturbate when any other planet -is disturbed. This has been going on all my life. -It only happens in the watermelon season, but that -has nothing to do with it, and has no significance: -geologists and anthropologists and horticulturists all -tell me it is only ancestral and hereditary, and that -is what I think myself. Now then, I got to perturbating -again, this summer--all summer through; all -through watermelon time: and <em>where</em>, do you think? -Up here on my farm in Connecticut. Is that significant? -Unquestionably it is, for you couldn’t raise -a watermelon on this farm with a derrick.</p> - -<p class='c034'>That perturbating was caused by the new planet. -That Washington Observatory may throw as much -doubt as it wants to, it cannot affect me, because I -<span class='pageno' id='Page_357'>357</span>know there <em>is</em> a new planet. I know it because I -don’t perturbate for nothing. There has got to be a -dog or a planet, one or the other; and there isn’t -any dog around here, so there’s <em>got</em> to be a planet. -I hope it is going to be named after me; I should -just love it if I can’t have a constellation.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_358'>358</span> - <h2 class='c007'>MARJORIE FLEMING, THE WONDER <br />CHILD</h2> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_2_0_4 c033'>Marjorie has been in her tiny grave a -hundred years; and still the tears fall for -her, and will fall. What an intensely human little -creature she was! How vividly she lived her small -life; how impulsive she was; how sudden, how -tempestuous, how tender, how loving, how sweet, -how loyal, how rebellious, how repentant, how wise, -how unwise, how bursting with fun, how frank, how -free, how honest, how innocently bad, how natively -good, how charged with quaint philosophies, how -winning, how precious, how adorable--and how perennially -and indestructibly interesting! And all this -exhibited, proved, and recorded before she reached -the end of her ninth year and “fell on sleep.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>Geographically considered, the lassie was a Scot; -but in fact she had no frontiers, she was the world’s -child, she was the human race in little. It is one of -the prides of my life that the first time I ever heard -her name it came from the lips of Dr. John Brown--his -very own self--Dr. John Brown of Edinburgh--Dr. -John Brown of <cite>Rab and His Friends</cite>--Dr. John -Brown of the beautiful face and the sweet spirit, -whose friends loved him with a love that was worship--Dr. -John Brown, who was Marjorie’s biographer, -and who had clasped an aged hand that had -<span class='pageno' id='Page_359'>359</span>caressed Marjorie’s fifty years before, thus linking -me with that precious child by an unbroken chain -of handshakes, for I had shaken hands with Dr. -John. This was in Edinburgh thirty-six years ago. -He gave my wife his little biography of Marjorie, -and I have it yet.</p> - -<p class='c034'>Is Marjorie known in America? No--at least to -only a few. When Mr. L. MacBean’s new and -enlarged and charming biography<a id='r17' /><a href='#f17' class='c022'><sup>[17]</sup></a> of her was published -five years ago it was sent over here in sheets, -the market not being large enough to justify recomposing -and reprinting it on our side of the water. -I find that there are even cultivated Scotchmen -among us who have not heard of Marjorie Fleming.</p> - -<p class='c034'>She was born in Kirkcaldy in 1803, and she died -when she was eight years and eleven months old. -By the time she was five years old she was become -a devourer of various kinds of literature--both -heavy and light--and was also become a quaint -and free-spoken and charming little thinker and -philosopher whose views were a delightful jumble -of first-hand cloth of gold and second-hand rags.</p> - -<p class='c034'>When she was six she opened up that rich mine, -her journals, and continued to work it by spells -during the remainder of her brief life. She was a -pet of Walter Scott, from the cradle, and when he -could have her society for a few hours he was content, -and required no other. Her little head was full -of noble passages from Shakespeare and other favorites -<span class='pageno' id='Page_360'>360</span>of hers, and the fact that she could deliver them -with moving effect is proof that her elocution was a -born gift with her, and not a mechanical reproduction -of somebody else’s art, for a child’s parrot-work -does not move. When she was a little creature of -seven years, Sir Walter Scott “would read ballads -to her in his own glorious way, the two getting wild -with excitement over them; and he would take her -on his knee and make her repeat Constance’s speeches -in <cite>King John</cite> till he swayed to and fro, sobbing his -fill.” [Dr. John Brown.]</p> - -<p class='c034'>“<em>Sobbing his fill</em>”--that great man--over that little -thing’s inspired interpretations. It is a striking picture; -there is no mate to it. Sir Walter said of her:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“She’s the most extraordinary creature I ever met -with, and her repeating of Shakespeare overpowers -me as nothing else does.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>She spent the whole of her little life in a Presbyterian -heaven; yet she was not affected by it; she -could not have been happier if she had been in the -other heaven.</p> - -<p class='c034'>She was made out of thunderstorms and sunshine, -and not even her little perfunctory pieties and shop-made -holiness could squelch her spirits or put out -her fires for long. Under pressure of a pestering -sense of duty she heaves a shovelful of trade godliness -into her journals every little while, but it does -not offend, for none of it is her own; it is all borrowed, -it is a convention, a custom of her environment, -it is the most innocent of hypocrisies, and -this tainted butter of hers soon gets to be as delicious -to the reader as are the stunning and worldly sincerities -<span class='pageno' id='Page_361'>361</span>she splatters around it every time her pen -takes a fresh breath. The adorable child! she hasn’t -a discoverable blemish in her make-up anywhere.</p> - -<p class='c034'>Marjorie’s first letter was written before she was -six years old; it was to her cousin, Isa Keith, a young -lady of whom she was passionately fond. It was -done in a sprawling hand, ten words to the page--and -in those foolscap days a page was a spacious thing:</p> - -<p class='c038'>“<span class='sc'>My Dear Isa</span>--</p> - -<p class='c034'>“I now sit down on my botom to answer all the -kind & beloved letters which you was so so good as -to write to me. This is the first time I ever wrote -a letter in my life.</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Miss Potune, a lady of my acquaintance, praises -me dreadfully. I repeated something out of Deen -Swift & she said I was fit for the stage, & you may -think I was primmed up with majestick Pride, but -upon my word I felt myself turn a little birsay--birsay -is a word which is a word that William composed -which is as you may suppose a little enraged. -This horid fat Simpliton says that my Aunt is beautifull -which is intirely impossible for that is not her -nature.”</p> - -<p class='c039'>Frank? Yes, Marjorie was that. And during the -brief moment that she enchanted this dull earth with -her presence she was the bewitchingest speller and -punctuator in all Christendom.</p> - -<p class='c034'>The average child of six “prints” its correspondence -in rickety and reeling Roman capitals, or -dictates to mamma, who puts the little chap’s message -<span class='pageno' id='Page_362'>362</span>on paper. The sentences are labored, repetitious, -and slow; there are but three or four of them; -they deal in information solely, they contain no -ideas, they venture no judgments, no opinions; they -inform papa that the cat has had kittens again; -that Mary has a new doll that can wink; that -Tommy has lost his top; and will papa come soon -and bring the writer something nice? But with -Marjorie it is different.</p> - -<p class='c034'>She needs no amanuensis, she puts her message -on paper herself; and not in weak and tottering -Roman capitals, but in a thundering hand that can -be heard a mile and be read across the square -without glasses. And she doesn’t have to study, -and puzzle, and search her head for something to -say; no, she had only to connect the pen with the -paper and turn on the current; the words spring -forth at once, and go chasing after each other like -leaves dancing down a stream. For she has a faculty, -has Marjorie! Indeed yes; when she sits down on -her bottom to do a letter, there isn’t going to be any -lack of materials, nor of fluency, and neither is her -letter going to be wanting in pepper, or vinegar, or -vitriol, or any of the other condiments employed -by genius to save a literary work of art from flatness -and vapidity. And as for judgments and opinions, -they are as commodiously in her line as they are in -the Lord Chief Justice’s. They have weight, too, -and are convincing: for instance, for thirty-six years -they have damaged that “horid Simpliton” in my eyes; -and, more than that, they have even imposed upon -me--and most unfairly and unwarrantably--an aversion -<span class='pageno' id='Page_363'>363</span>to the horid fat Simpliton’s name; a perfectly -innocent name, and yet, because of the prejudice -against it with which this child has poisoned my -mind for a generation I cannot see “Potune” on -paper and keep my gorge from rising.</p> - -<p class='c034'>In her journals Marjorie changes her subject -whenever she wants to--and that is pretty often. -When the deep moralities pay her a passing visit -she registers them. Meantime if a cherished love -passage drifts across her memory she shoves it into -the midst of the moralities--it is nothing to her that -it may not feel at home there:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“We should not be happy at the death of our fellow -creatures, for they love life like us love your -neighbor & he will love you Bountifulness and -Mercifulness are always rewarded. In my travels -I met with a handsome lad named Charles Balfour -Esge [Esqr.] and from him I got offers of marage--ofers -of marage did I say? nay plainly [he] loved me. -Goodness does not belong to the wicked but badness -dishonor befals wickedness but not virtue, no disgrace -befals virtue perciverence overcomes almost -al difficulties no I am rong in saying almost I should -say always as it is so perciverence is a virtue my Csosin -says pacience is a cristain virtue, which is true.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>She is not copying these profundities out of a book, -she is getting them out of her memory; her spelling -shows that the book is not before her. The easy -and effortless flow of her talk is a marvelous thing -in a baby of her age. Her interests are as wide and -varied as a grown person’s: she discusses all sorts -of books, and fearlessly delivers judgment upon them; -<span class='pageno' id='Page_364'>364</span>she examines whomsoever crosses the field of her -vision, and again delivers a verdict; she dips into -religion and history, and even into politics; she -takes a shy at the news of the day, and comments -upon it; and now and then she drops into poetry--into -rhyme, at any rate.</p> - -<p class='c034'>Marjorie would not intentionally mislead anyone, -but she has just been making a remark which moves -me to hoist a danger-signal for the protection of the -modern reader. It is this one: “<em>In my travels.</em>” -Naturally we are apt to clothe a word with its -present-day meaning--the meaning we are used to, -the meaning we are familiar with; and so--well, -you get the idea: some words that are giants to-day -were very small dwarfs a century ago, and if we are -not careful to take that vast enlargement into account -when we run across them in the literatures of the -past, they are apt to convey to us a distinctly wrong -impression. To-day, when a person says “<em>in my -travels</em>” he means that he has been around the globe -nineteen or twenty times, and we so understand him; -and so, when Marjorie says it, it startles us for a -moment, for it gives us the impression that <em>she</em> has -been around it fourteen or fifteen times; whereas, -such is not at all the case. She has traveled prodigiously -for <em>her</em> day, but not for ours. She had -“traveled,” altogether, three miles by land and eight -by water--per ferryboat. She is fairly and justly -proud of it, for it is the exact equivalent, in grandeur -and impressiveness, in the case of a child of our day, -to two trips across the Atlantic and a thousand miles -by rail.</p> - -<p class='c034'><span class='pageno' id='Page_365'>365</span>“In the love novels all the heroins are very desperate -Isabella will not allow me to speak about -lovers and heroins, and tiss too refined for my taste -a loadstone is a curous thing indeed it is true Heroic -love doth never win disgrace this is my maxum and -I will follow it forever Miss Eguards [Edgeworth] -tails are very good particularly some that are very -much adopted for youth as Lazy Lawrence Tarelton -False Key &c &c Persons of the parlement house -are as I think caled Advocakes Mr Cay & Mr Crakey -has that honour. This has been a very mild winter. -Mr Banestors Budget is to-night I hope it will be a -good one. A great many authors have expressed -themselfs too sentimentaly.... The Mercandile -Afares are in a perilous situation sickness & a -delicante frame I have not & I do not know what -it is, but Ah me perhaps I shall have it.<a id='r18' /><a href='#f18' class='c022'><sup>[18]</sup></a> Grandure -reigns in Edinburgh.... Tomson is a beautifull -author and Pope but nothing is like Shakepear of -which I have a little knolegde of. An unfortunate -death James the 5 had for he died of greif Macbeth -is a pretty composition but awful one Macbeth is -so bad & wicked, but Lady Macbeth is so hardened -in guilt she does not mind her sins & faults No.</p> - -<p class='c034'>“... A sailor called here to say farewell, it must -be dreadful to leave his native country where he -might get a wife or perhaps me, for I love him very -much & with all my heart, but O I forgot Isabella -forbid me to speak about love.... I wish everybody -would follow her example & be as good as -<span class='pageno' id='Page_366'>366</span>pious & virtious as she is & they would get husbands -soon enough, love is a parithatick [pathetic] thing -as well as troublesome & tiresome but O Isabella -forbid me to speak about it.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>But the little rascal can’t <em>keep</em> from speaking about -it, because it is her supreme interest in life; her heart -is not capacious enough to hold all the product that -is engendered by the ever-recurring inflaming spectacle -of man-creatures going by, and the surplus is -obliged to spill over; Isa’s prohibitions are no sufficient -dam for such a discharge.</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Love I think is the fasion for everybody is marring -[marrying].... Yesterday a marrade man -named Mr John Balfour Esg [Esq.] offered to kiss -me, & offered to marry me though the man was -espused [espoused], & his wife was present & said -he must ask her permission but he did not, I think -he was ashamed or confounded before 3 gentleman -Mr Jobson and two Mr Kings.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>I must make room here for another of Marjorie’s -second-hand high-morality outbreaks. They give -me a sinful delight which I ought to grieve at, I suppose, -but I can’t seem to manage it:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“James Macary is to be transported for murder -in the flower of his youth O passion is a terible thing -for it leads people from sin to sin at last it gets so -far as to come to greater crimes than we thought we -could comit and it must be dreadful to leave his -native country and his friends and to be so disgraced -and affronted.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>That is Marjorie talking shop, dear little diplomat--to -please and comfort mamma and Isa, no doubt.</p> - -<p class='c034'><span class='pageno' id='Page_367'>367</span>This wee little child has a marvelous range of -interests. She reads philosophies, novels, baby books, -histories, the mighty poets--reads them with burning -interest, and frankly and freely criticizes them all; -she revels in storms, sunsets, cloud effects, scenery of -mountain, plain, ocean, and forest, and all the other -wonders of nature, and sets down her joy in them -all; she loves people, she detests people, according -to mood and circumstances, and delivers her opinion -of them, sometimes seasoned with attar of roses, -sometimes with vitriol; in games, and all kinds of -childish play she is an enthusiast; she adores animals, -adores them all; none is too forlorn to fail of favor -in her friendly eyes, no creature so humble that she -cannot find something in it on which to lavish her -caressing worship.</p> - -<p class='c034'>“I am going to-morrow to a delightfull place, -Braehead by name, belonging to Mrs. Crraford -[Crauford], where there is ducks cocks hens bobblyjocks -2 dogs 2 cats and swine which is delightful. -I think it is shocking to think that the dog and cat -should bear them and they are drowned after all.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>She is a dear child, a bewitching little scamp; and -never dearer, I think, than when the devil has had -her in possession and she is breaking her stormy -little heart over the remembrance of it:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“I confess I have been very more like a little -young divil than a creature for when Isabella went -up stairs to teach me religion and my multiplication -and to be good and all my other lessons I stamped -with my foot and threw my new hat which she had -made on the ground and was sulky and was dreadfully -<span class='pageno' id='Page_368'>368</span>passionate, but she never whiped me but said -Marjory go into another room and think what a -great crime you are committing letting your temper -git the better of you. But I went so sulkily that -the devil got the better of me but she never never -never whips me so that I think I would be the better -of it & the next time that I behave ill I think she -should do it for she never does it.... Isabella has -given me praise for checking my temper for I was -sulky even when she was kneeling an whole hour -teaching me to write.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>The wise Isabella, the sweet and patient Isabella! -It is just a hundred years now (May, 1909) since -the grateful child made that golden picture of you -and laid your good heart bare for distant generations -to see and bless; a hundred years--but if the picture -endures a thousand it will still bring you the blessing, -and with it the reverent homage that is your -due. You had the seeing eye and the wise head. A -fool would have punished Marjorie and wrecked -her, but you held your hand, as knowing that when -her volcanic fires went down she would repent, and -grieve, and punish herself, and be saved.</p> - -<p class='c034'>Sometimes when Marjorie was miraculously good, -she got a penny for it, and once when she got an -entire sixpence, she recognized that it was wealth. -This wealth brought joy to her heart. Why? -Because she could spend it on somebody else! We -who know Marjorie would know that without being -told it. I am sorry--often sorry, often grieved--that -I was not there and looking over her shoulder -when she was writing down her valued penny -<span class='pageno' id='Page_369'>369</span>rewards: I would have said, “Save that scrap of -manuscript, dear; make a will, and leave it to your -posterity, to save them from want when penury shall -threaten them; a day will come when it will be -worth a thousand guineas, and a later day will come -when it will be worth five thousand; here you are, -rejoicing in copper farthings, and don’t know that -your magic pen is showering gold coin all over the -paper.” But I was not there to say it; those who -were there did not think to say it; and so there is -not a line of that quaint precious cacography in -existence to-day.</p> - -<p class='c034'>I have adored Marjorie for six-and-thirty years; -I have adored her in detail, I have adored the whole -of her; but above all other details--just a little -above all other details--I have adored her because -she detested that odious and confusing and unvanquishable -and unlearnable and shameless invention, -the multiplication table:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“I am now going to tell you the horible and -wretched plaege [plague] that my multiplication gives -me you can’t conceive it the most Devilish thing is -8 times 8 & 7 times 7 it is what nature itself cant -endure.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>I stand reverently uncovered in the presence of -that holy verdict.</p> - -<p class='c034'>Here is that person again whom I so dislike--and -for no reason at all except that my Marjorie doesn’t -like her:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Miss Potune is very fat she pretends to be very -learned she says she saw a stone that dropt from -the skies, but she is a good christian.”</p> - -<p class='c034'><span class='pageno' id='Page_370'>370</span>Of course, stones have fallen from the skies, but I -don’t believe this “horid fat Simpliton” had ever seen -one that had done it; but even if she had, it was -none of her business, and she could have been better -employed than in going around exaggerating it and -carrying on about it and trying to make trouble -with a little child that had never done <em>her</em> any -harm.</p> - -<p class='c034'>“... The Birds do chirp the Lambs do leap and -Nature is clothed with the garments of green yellow, -and white, purple, and red.</p> - -<p class='c034'>“... There is a book that is called the Newgate -Calender that contains all the Murders: all the -Murders did I say, nay all Thefts & Forgeries that -ever were committed & fills me with horror & -consternation.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>Marjorie is a diligent little student, and her education -is always storming along and making great time -and lots of noise:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Isabella this morning taught me some French -words one of which is bon suar the interpretation is -good morning.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>It slanders Isabella, but the slander is not intentional. -The main thing to notice is that big word, -“interpretation.” Not many children of Marjorie’s -age can handle a five syllable team in that easy and -confident way. It is observable that she frequently -employs words of an imposingly formidable size, and -is manifestly quite familiar with them and not at all -afraid of them.</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Isa is teaching me to make Simecolings nots of -interrigations periods & commas &c. As this is Sunday -<span class='pageno' id='Page_371'>371</span>I will meditate uppon senciable & Religious subjects -first I should be very thankful I am not a beggar -as many are.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>That was the “first.” She didn’t get to her second -subject, but got side-tracked by a saner interest, and -used her time to better purpose.</p> - -<p class='c034'>“It is melancholy to think, that I have so many -talents, & many there are that have not had the -attention paid to them that I have, & yet they contrive -to be better then me.</p> - -<p class='c034'>“... Isabella is far too indulgent to me & even -the Miss Crafords say that they wonder at her -patience with me & it is indeed true for my temper -is a bad one.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>The daring child wrote a (synopsized) history of -Mary Queen of Scots and of five of the royal Jameses -in rhyme--but never mind, we have no room to discuss -it here. Nothing was entirely beyond her literary -jurisdiction; if it had occurred to her that the -laws of Rome needed codifying she would have taken -a chance at it.</p> - -<p class='c034'>Here is a sad note:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“My religion is greatly falling off because I dont -pray with so much attention when I am saying my -prayers and my character is lost a-mong the Breahead -people I hope I will be religious again but as for -regaining my character I despare of it.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>When religion and character go, they leave a large -vacuum. But there are ways to fill it:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“I’ve forgot to say, but I’ve four lovers, the other -one is Harry Watson, a very delightful boy.... -James Keith hardly ever Spoke to me, he said Girl! -<span class='pageno' id='Page_372'>372</span>make less noise.... Craky hall ... I walked -to that delightfull place with a delightful young man -beloved by all his friends and espacialy by me his -loveress but I must not talk any longer about him -for Isa said it is not proper for to speak of gentalman -but I will never forget him....</p> - -<p class='c034'>“The Scythians tribe live very coarsely for a -Gluton Introduced to Arsaces the Captain of the -Army, 1 man who Dressed hair & another man who -was a good cook but Arsaces said that he would keep -1 for brushing his horses tail and the other to fead -his pigs....</p> - -<p class='c034'>“On Saturday I expected no less than three well-made -bucks, the names of whom is here advertised. -Mr. Geo. Crakey [Cragie], and Wm. Keith and Jn -Keith--the first is the funniest of every one of them. -Mr. Crakey and I walked to Craky-hall [Craigiehall] -hand and hand in Innocence and matitation -sweet thinking on the kind love which flows in -our tender hearted mind which is overflowing -with majestic pleasure no one was ever so polite to -me in the hole state of my existence. Mr. Craky -you must know is a great Buck and pretty good-looking.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>For a purpose, I wish the reader to take careful -note of these statistics:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“I am going to tell you of a melancholy story. -A young turkie of 2 or 3 months old, would you -believe it, the father broke its leg, & he killed -another! I think he ought to be transported or -hanged.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>Marjorie wrote some verses about this tragedy--I -<span class='pageno' id='Page_373'>373</span>think. I cannot be quite certain it is this one, for -in the verses there are three deaths, whereas these -statistics do not furnish so many. Also in the statistics -the father of the deceased is indifferent about -the loss he has sustained, whereas in the verses he -is not. Also in the third verse, the <em>mother</em>, too, -exhibits feeling, whereas in the two closing verses -of the poem she--at least it seems to be she--is -indifferent. At least it looks like indifference to me, -and I believe it <em>is</em> indifference:</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b c040'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>“Three turkeys fair their last have breathed,</div> - <div class='line'>And now this world forever leaved;</div> - <div class='line'>Their father, and their mother too,</div> - <div class='line'>They sighed and weep as well as you;</div> - <div class='line'>Indeed, the rats their bones have cranched.</div> - <div class='line'>Into eternity theire launched.</div> - <div class='line'>A direful death indeed they had,</div> - <div class='line'>As wad put any parent mad;</div> - <div class='line'>But she was more than usual calm,</div> - <div class='line'>She did not give a single dam.”</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c039'>The naughty little scamp! I mean, for not leaving -out the <em>l</em> in the word “Calm,” so as to perfect -the rhyme. It seems a pity to damage with a -lame rhyme a couplet that is otherwise without a -blemish.</p> - -<p class='c034'>Marjorie wrote four journals. She began the first -one in January, 1809, when she was just six years -old, and finished it five months later, in June.</p> - -<p class='c034'>She began the second in the following month, and -finished it six months afterward (January, 1810), -when she was just seven.</p> - -<p class='c034'>She began the third one in April, 1810, and finished -it in the autumn.</p> - -<p class='c034'><span class='pageno' id='Page_374'>374</span>She wrote the fourth in the winter of 1810-11, and -the last entry in it bears date July 19, 1811, and -she died exactly five months later, December 19th, -aged eight years and eleven months. It contains -her rhymed Scottish histories.</p> - -<p class='c034'>Let me quote from Dr. John Brown:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“The day before her death, Sunday, she sat up -in bed, worn and thin, her eye gleaming as with the -light of a coming world, and with a tremulous, old -voice repeated a long poem by Burns--heavy with -the shadow of death, and lit with the fantasy of the -judgment seat--the publican’s prayer in paraphrase, -beginning:</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b c040'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>“‘Why am I loth to leave this earthly scene?</div> - <div class='line in4'>Have I so found it full of pleasing charms?</div> - <div class='line'>Some drops of joy, with draughts of ill between,</div> - <div class='line in4'>Some gleams of sunshine ’mid renewing storms.’</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c039'>“It is more affecting than we care to say to read -her mother’s and Isabella Keith’s letters written -immediately after her death. Old and withered, -tattered and pale, they are now; but when you read -them, how quick, how throbbing with life and love! -how rich in that language of affection which only -women, and Shakespeare, and Luther can use--that -power of detaining the soul over the beloved object -and its loss.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>Fifty years after Marjorie’s death her sister, writing -to Dr. Brown, said:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“My mother was struck by the patient quietness -manifested by Marjorie during this illness, unlike -her ardent, impulsive nature; but love and poetic -feeling were unquenched. When Dr. Johnstone -<span class='pageno' id='Page_375'>375</span>rewarded her submissiveness with a sixpence, the -request speedily followed that she might get out ere -New Year’s Day came. When asked why she was so -desirous of getting out, she immediately rejoined: -‘Oh, I am so anxious to buy something with my -sixpence for my dear Isa Keith.’ Again, when lying -very still, her mother asked her if there was anything -she wished: ‘Oh yes, if you would just leave the -room door open a wee bit, and play the <cite>Land o’ the -Leal</cite>, and I will lie and <em>think</em> and enjoy myself’ -(this is just as stated to me by her mother and mine). -Well, the happy day came, alike to parents and child, -when Marjorie was allowed to come forth from the -nursery to the parlor. It was Sabbath evening, and -after tea. My father, who idolized this child, and -never afterward in my hearing mentioned her name, -took her in his arms; and while walking her up and -down the room she said: ‘Father, I will repeat something -to you; what would you like?’ He said, -‘Just choose for yourself, Maidie.’ She hesitated for -a moment between the paraphrase, ‘Few are thy -days and full of woe,’ and the lines of Burns already -quoted, but decided on the latter; a remarkable -choice for a child. The repeating of these lines -seemed to stir up the depths of feeling in her soul. -She asked to be allowed to write a poem. There -was a doubt whether it would be right to allow her, -in case of hurting her eyes. She pleaded earnestly, -‘Just this once’; the point was yielded, her slate -was given her, and with great rapidity she wrote an -address of fourteen lines ‘To my loved cousin on the -author’s recovery.’”</p> - -<p class='c034'><span class='pageno' id='Page_376'>376</span>The cousin was Isa Keith.</p> - -<p class='c034'>“She went to bed apparently well, awoke in the -middle of the night with the old cry of woe to a -mother’s heart, ‘My head, my head!’ Three days -of the dire malady, ‘water in the head,’ followed, -and the end came.”</p> - -<hr class='c024' /> -<div class='footnote' id='f17'> -<p class='c034'><a href='#r17'>17</a>. <cite>Marjorie Fleming.</cite> By L. MacBean. G. P. Putnam’s Sons, -publishers, London and New York.</p> - -<p class='c034'>Permission to use the extracts quoted from Marjorie’s Journal -in this article has been granted me by the publishers.</p> -</div> -<div class='footnote' id='f18'> -<p class='c034'><a href='#r18'>18</a>. It is a whole century since the dimly conscious little prophet said -it, but the pathos of it is still there.</p> -</div> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_377'>377</span> - <h2 class='c007'>ADAM’S SOLILOQUY</h2> -</div> - -<div class='quote'> - -<p class='c037'>(The spirit of Adam is supposed to be visiting New York City -inspecting the dinosaur at the Museum of Natural History)</p> - -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c023'> - <div>(1905)</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c023'> - <div>I</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_2_0_4 c036'>It is strange ... very strange. <em>I</em> do not remember -this creature. (<em>After gazing long and admiringly.</em>) -Well, it is wonderful! The mere <em>skeleton</em> -fifty-seven feet long and sixteen feet high! Thus -far, it seems, they’ve found only this sample--without -doubt a merely medium-sized one; a person -could not step out here into the Park and happen -by luck upon the largest horse in America; no, he -would happen upon one that would look small alongside -of the biggest Normandy. It is quite likely that -the biggest dinosaur was ninety feet long and twenty -feet high. It would be five times as long as an elephant; -an elephant would be to it what a calf is to an -elephant. The bulk of the creature! The weight of -him! As long as the longest whale, and twice the substance -in him! And all good wholesome pork, most -likely; meat enough to last a village a year.... -Think of a hundred of them in line, draped in shining -cloth of gold!--a majestic thing for a coronation procession. -But expensive, for he would eat much; only -kings and millionaires could afford him.</p> - -<p class='c034'>I have no recollection of him; neither Eve nor I -<span class='pageno' id='Page_378'>378</span>had heard of him until yesterday. We spoke to -Noah about him; he colored and changed the subject. -Being brought back to it--and pressed a -little--he confessed that in the matter of stocking -the Ark the stipulations had not been carried out -with absolute strictness--that is, in minor details, -unessentials. There were some irregularities. He -said the boys were to blame for this--the boys -mainly, his own fatherly indulgence partly. They -were in the giddy heyday of their youth at the time, -the happy springtime of life; their hundred years sat -upon them lightly, and--well, he had once been a -boy himself, and he had not the heart to be too -exacting with them. And so--well, they did things -they shouldn’t have done, and he--to be candid, he -winked. But on the whole they did pretty faithful -work, considering their age. They collected and -stowed a good share of the really useful animals; -and also, when Noah was not watching, a multitude -of useless ones, such as flies, mosquitoes, snakes, -and so on, but they did certainly leave ashore a -good many creatures which might possibly have -had value some time or other, in the course of time. -Mainly these were vast saurians a hundred feet -long, and monstrous mammals, such as the megatherium -and that sort, and there was really some -excuse for leaving them behind, for two reasons: -(1) it was manifest that some time or other they -would be needed as fossils for museums and (2) -there had been a miscalculation, the Ark was smaller -than it should have been, and so there wasn’t room -for those creatures. There was actually fossil material -<span class='pageno' id='Page_379'>379</span>enough all by itself to freight twenty-five Arks -like that one. As for the dinosaur----But Noah’s -conscience was easy; it was not named in his cargo -list and he and the boys were not aware that there -was such a creature. He said he could not blame -himself for not knowing about the dinosaur, because -it was an American animal, and America had not -then been discovered.</p> - -<p class='c034'>Noah went on to say, “I did reproach the boys -for not making the most of the room we had, by -discarding trashy animals and substituting beasts -like the mastodon, which could be useful to man in -doing heavy work such as the elephant performs, -but they said those great creatures would have -increased our labors beyond our strength, in the -matter of feeding and watering them, we being -short-handed. There was something in that. We -had no pump; there was but one window; we -had to let down a bucket from that, and haul it up -a good fifty feet, which was very tiresome; then we -had to carry the water downstairs--fifty feet again, -in cases where it was for the elephants and their -kind, for we kept them in the hold to serve for -ballast. As it was, we lost many animals--choice -animals that would have been valuable in menageries--different -breeds of lions, tigers, hyenas, wolves, -and so on; for they wouldn’t drink the water after -the salt sea water got mixed with the fresh. But -we never lost a locust, nor a grasshopper, nor a -weevil, nor a rat, nor a cholera germ, nor any of -that sort of beings. On the whole, I think we did -very well, everything considered. We were shepherds -<span class='pageno' id='Page_380'>380</span>and farmers; we had never been to sea before; -we were ignorant of naval matters, and I know this -for certain, that there is more difference between -agriculture and navigation than a person would -think. It is my opinion that the two trades do not -belong together. Shem thinks the same; so does -Japheth. As for what Ham thinks, it is not important. -Ham is biased. You find me a Presbyterian -that isn’t, if you think you can.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>He said it aggressively; it had in it the spirit of a -challenge. I avoided argument by changing the subject. -With Noah, arguing is a passion, a disease, and -it is growing upon him; has been growing upon him -for thirty thousand years, and more. It makes him -unpopular, unpleasant; many of his oldest friends -dread to meet him. Even strangers soon get to -avoiding him, although at first they are glad to meet -him and gaze at him, on account of his celebrated -adventure. For a time they are proud of his notice, -because he is so distinguished; but he argues them -to rags, and before long they begin to wish, like the -rest, that something had happened to the Ark.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c023'> - <div>II</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c034'>(<i>On the bench in the Park, midafternoon, dreamily -noting the drift, of the human species back and forth.</i>) -To think--this multitude is but a wee little fraction -of the earth’s population! And all blood kin to me, -every one! Eve ought to have come with me; this -would excite her affectionate heart. She was never -able to keep her composure when she came upon a -relative; she would try to kiss every one of these -<span class='pageno' id='Page_381'>381</span>people, black and white and all. (<i>A baby wagon -passes.</i>) How little change one can notice--none at -all, in fact. I remember the first child well----Let -me see ... it is three hundred thousand years ago -come Tuesday. This one is just like it. So between -the first one and the last one there is really nothing -to choose. The same insufficiency of hair, the same -absence of teeth, the same feebleness of body and -apparent vacancy of mind, the same general unattractiveness -all around. Yet Eve worshiped that -early one, and it was pretty to see her with it. This -latest one’s mother worships <em>it</em>; it shows in her -eyes--it is the very look that used to shine in Eve’s. -To think that so subtle and intangible a thing as a -<em>look</em> could flit and flash from face to face down a -procession three hundred thousand years long and -remain the same, without shade of change! Yet -here it is, lighting this young creature’s face just as -it lighted Eve’s in the long ago--the newest thing -I have seen in the earth, and the oldest. Of course, -the dinosaur----But that is in another class.</p> - -<p class='c034'>She drew the baby wagon to the bench and sat -down and began to shove it softly back and forth -with one hand while she held up a newspaper with -the other and absorbed herself in its contents. -Presently, “My!” she exclaimed; which startled -me, and I ventured to ask her, modestly and respectfully, -what was the matter. She courteously passed -the paper to me and said--pointing with her finger:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“There--it reads like fact, but I don’t know.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>It was very embarrassing. I tried to look at my -ease, and nonchalantly turned the paper this and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_382'>382</span>that and the other way, but her eye was upon me -and I felt that I was not succeeding. Pretty soon -she asked, hesitatingly:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Can’t--can’t--you--read?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>I had to confess that I couldn’t. It filled her -with wonder. But it had one pleasant effect--it -interested her in me, and I was thankful, for I was -getting lonesome for some one to talk to and listen -to. The young fellow who was showing me around--on -his own motion, I did not invite him--had -missed his appointment at the Museum, and I was -feeling disappointed, for he was good company. -When I told the young woman I could not read, -she asked me another embarrassing question:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Where are you from?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>I skirmished--to gain time and position. I said:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Make a guess. See how near you can come.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>She brightened, and exclaimed:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“I shall dearly like it, sir, if you don’t mind. If -I guess right will you tell me?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Yes.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Honor bright?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Honor bright? What is that?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>She laughed delightedly and said:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“That’s a good start! I was <em>sure</em> that that phrase -would catch you. I know one thing, now, all right. -I know----”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“What do you know?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“That you are not an American. And you aren’t, -<em>are</em> you?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“No. You are right. I’m not--honor bright, as -you say.”</p> - -<p class='c034'><span class='pageno' id='Page_383'>383</span>She looked immensely pleased with herself, and -said:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“I reckon I’m not always smart, but <em>that</em> was -smart, anyway. But not so <em>very</em>, after all, because -I already knew--believed I knew--that you were a -foreigner, by another sign.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“What was that?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Your accent.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>She was an accurate observer; I do speak English -with a heavenly accent, and she had detected the -foreign twang in it. She ran charmingly on, most -naïvely and engagingly pleased with her triumph:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“The minute you said, ‘See ’ow near you can -come to it,’ I said to myself, ‘Two to one he is a -foreigner, and ten to one he’s English.’ Now that -<em>is</em> your nationality, <em>isn’t</em> it?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>I was sorry to spoil her victory, but I had to do it: -“Ah--you’ll have to guess again.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“What--you are not an Englishman?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“No--honor bright.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>She looked me searchingly over, evidently communing -with herself--adding up my points, then -she said:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Well, you don’t <em>look</em> like an Englishman, and -that is true.” After a little she added, “The fact -is, you don’t look like <em>any</em> foreigner--not quite -like ... like <em>anybody</em> I’ve seen before. I will guess -some more.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>She guessed every country whose name she could -think of and grew gradually discouraged. Finally -she said:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“You must be the Man Without a Country--the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_384'>384</span>one the story tells about. You don’t seem to have -any nationality at all. How did you come to come -to America? Have you any kinfolks here?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Yes--several.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Oh, then you came to see <em>them</em>.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Partly--yes.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>She sat awhile, thinking, then:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Well, I’m not going to give up quite yet. Where -do you live when you are at home--in a city, or in -the country?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Which do you think?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Well, I don’t quite know. You <em>do</em> look a little -countrified, if you don’t mind my saying it; but -you look a little citified, too--not much, but a little, -although you can’t read, which is very curious, and -you are not used to newspapers. Now <em>my</em> guess is -that you live mainly in the country when you are at -home, and not very much in the city. Is that right?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Yes, quite right.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Oh, good! Now I’ll take a fresh start.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>Then she wore herself to the bone, naming cities. -No success. Next she wanted me to help her a -little with some “pointers,” as she phrased it. Was -my city large? Yes. Was it very large? Yes. Did -they have mobiles there? No. Electric light? No. -Railroads, hospitals, colleges, cops? No.</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Why, then, it’s not civilized! Where <em>can</em> that -place be? Be good and tell me just one peculiarity -of it--then maybe I can guess.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Well, then, just one; it has gates of pearl.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Oh, go along! That’s the New Jerusalem. It -isn’t fair to joke. Never mind. I’ll guess it yet--it -<span class='pageno' id='Page_385'>385</span>will come into my head pretty soon, just when I’m -not expecting it. Oh, I’ve got an idea! Please talk -a little in your own language--that’ll be a good -pointer.” I accommodated her with a sentence or -two. She shook her head despondently.</p> - -<p class='c034'>“No,” she said, “it doesn’t sound human. I -mean, it doesn’t sound like any of these other foreigners. -It’s pretty enough--it’s quite pretty, I -think--but I’m sure I’ve not heard it before. Maybe -if you were to pronounce your name---- What <em>is</em> -your name, if you’ll be so good?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Adam.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Adam?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Yes.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“But Adam <em>what</em>?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“That is all--just Adam.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Nothing at all but just that? Why, how curious! -There’s plenty of Adams; how can they tell you -from the rest?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Oh, that is no trouble. I’m the only one there -is, there where I’m from.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Upon my word! Well, it beats the band! It -reminds a person of the old original. That was his -name, too, and he hadn’t any but that--just like -you.” Then, archly, “You’ve heard of him, I -suppose?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Oh yes! Do you know him? Have you ever -seen him?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“<em>Seen</em> him? Seen <em>Adam</em>? Thanks to goodness, -no! It would scare me into fits.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“I don’t see why.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“You don’t?”</p> - -<p class='c034'><span class='pageno' id='Page_386'>386</span>“No.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“<em>Why</em> don’t you see why?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Because there is no sense in a person being scared -of his kin.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“<em>Kin?</em>”</p> - -<p class='c034'>“Yes. Isn’t he a distant relative of yours?”</p> - -<p class='c034'>She thought it was prodigiously funny, and said it -was perfectly true, but <em>she</em> never would have been -bright enough to think of it. I found it a new and -most pleasant sensation to have my wit admired, -and was about to try to do some more when that -young fellow came. He planted himself on the other -side of the young woman and began a vapid remark -about the weather, but she gave him a look that -withered him and got stiffly up and wheeled the -baby away.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_387'>387</span> - <h2 class='c007'>BIBLE TEACHING AND RELIGIOUS <br />PRACTICE</h2> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_2_0_4 c033'>Religion had its share in the changes of civilization -and national character, of course. What -share? The lion’s. In the history of the human -race this has always been the case, will always be -the case, to the end of time, no doubt; or at least -until man by the slow processes of evolution shall -develop into something really fine and high--some -billions of years hence, say.</p> - -<p class='c034'>The Christian’s Bible is a drug store. Its contents -remain the same; but the medical practice changes. -For eighteen hundred years these changes were -slight--scarcely noticeable. The practice was allopathic--allopathic -in its rudest and crudest form. -The dull and ignorant physician day and night, and -all the days and all the nights, drenched his patient -with vast and hideous doses of the most repulsive -drugs to be found in the store’s stock; he bled him, -cupped him, purged him, puked him, salivated him, -never gave his system a chance to rally, nor nature -a chance to help. He kept him religion sick for -eighteen centuries, and allowed him not a well day -during all that time. The stock in the store was -made up of about equal portions of baleful and -debilitating poisons, and healing and comforting -medicines; but the practice of the time confined -<span class='pageno' id='Page_388'>388</span>the physician to the use of the former; by consequence, -he could only damage his patient, and that -is what he did.</p> - -<p class='c034'>Not until far within our century was any considerable -change in the practice introduced; and then -mainly, or in effect only, in Great Britain and the -United States. In the other countries to-day, the -patient either still takes the ancient treatment or -does not call the physician at all. In the English-speaking -countries the changes observable in our -century were forced by that very thing just referred -to--the revolt of the patient against the system; -they were not projected by the physician. The -patient fell to doctoring himself, and the physician’s -practice began to fall off. He modified his method -to get back his trade. He did it gradually, reluctantly; -and never yielded more at a time than the -pressure compelled. At first he relinquished the -daily dose of hell and damnation, and administered -it every other day only; next he allowed another -day to pass; then another and presently another; -when he had restricted it at last to Sundays, and -imagined that now there would surely be a truce, -the homœopath arrived on the field and made him -abandon hell and damnation altogether, and administered -Christ’s love, and comfort, and charity and -compassion in its stead. These had been in the drug -store all the time, gold labeled and conspicuous among -the long shelfloads of repulsive purges and vomits and -poisons, and so the practice was to blame that they -had remained unused, not the pharmacy. To the -ecclesiastical physician of fifty years ago, his predecessor -<span class='pageno' id='Page_389'>389</span>for eighteen centuries was a quack; to the -ecclesiastical physician of to-day, his predecessor of -fifty years ago was a quack. To the every-man-his-own-ecclesiastical-doctor -of--when?--what will the -ecclesiastical physician of to-day be? Unless evolution, -which has been a truth ever since the globes, -suns, and planets of the solar system were but wandering -films of meteor dust, shall reach a limit and become -a lie, there is but one fate in store for him.</p> - -<p class='c034'>The methods of the priest and the parson have -been very curious, their history is very entertaining. -In all the ages the Roman Church has owned slaves, -bought and sold slaves, authorized and encouraged -her children to trade in them. Long after some -Christian peoples had freed their slaves the Church -still held on to hers. If any could know, to absolute -certainty, that all this was right, and according to -God’s will and desire, surely it was she, since she -was God’s specially appointed representative in the -earth and sole authorized and infallible expounder -of his Bible. There were the texts; there was no -mistaking their meaning; she was right, she was -doing in this thing what the Bible had mapped out -for her to do. So unassailable was her position that -in all the centuries she had no word to say against -human slavery. Yet now at last, in our immediate -day, we hear a Pope saying slave trading is wrong, -and we see him sending an expedition to Africa to -stop it. The texts remain: it is the practice that -has changed. Why? Because the world has corrected -the Bible. The Church never corrects it; and -also never fails to drop in at the tail of the procession--and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_390'>390</span>take the credit of the correction. As she -will presently do in this instance.</p> - -<p class='c034'>Christian England supported slavery and encouraged -it for two hundred and fifty years, and her -Church’s consecrated ministers looked on, sometimes -taking an active hand, the rest of the time -indifferent. England’s interest in the business may -be called a Christian interest, a Christian industry. -She had her full share in its revival after a long -period of inactivity, and this revival was a Christian -monopoly; that is to say, it was in the hands of -Christian countries exclusively. English parliaments -aided the slave traffic and protected it; two English -kings held stock in slave-catching companies. The -first regular English slave hunter--John Hawkins, of -still revered memory--made such successful havoc, -on his second voyage, in the matter of surprising -and burning villages, and maiming, slaughtering, -capturing, and selling their unoffending inhabitants, -that his delighted queen conferred the chivalric -honor of knighthood on him--a rank which had -acquired its chief esteem and distinction in other -and earlier fields of Christian effort. The new knight, -with characteristic English frankness and brusque -simplicity, chose as his device the figure of a negro -slave, kneeling and in chains. Sir John’s work was -the invention of Christians, was to remain a bloody -and awful monopoly in the hands of Christians for a -quarter of a millennium, was to destroy homes, separate -families, enslave friendless men and women, -and break a myriad of human hearts, to the end -that Christian nations might be prosperous and comfortable, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_391'>391</span>Christian churches be built, and the gospel -of the meek and merciful Redeemer be spread abroad -in the earth; and so in the name of his ship, unsuspected -but eloquent and clear, lay hidden prophecy. -She was called <i>The Jesus</i>.</p> - -<p class='c034'>But at last in England, an illegitimate Christian -rose against slavery. It is curious that when a -Christian rises against a rooted wrong at all, he is -usually an illegitimate Christian, member of some -despised and bastard sect. There was a bitter -struggle, but in the end the slave trade had to go--and -went. The Biblical authorization remained, but -the practice changed.</p> - -<p class='c034'>Then--the usual thing happened; the visiting -English critic among us began straightway to hold -up his pious hands in horror at our slavery. His -distress was unappeasable, his words full of bitterness -and contempt. It is true we had not so many -as fifteen hundred thousand slaves for him to worry -about, while his England still owned twelve millions, -in her foreign possessions; but that fact did not -modify his wail any, or stay his tears, or soften his -censure. The fact that every time we had tried -to get rid of our slavery in previous generations, -but had always been obstructed, balked, and defeated -by England, was a matter of no consequence -to him; it was ancient history, and not worth the -telling.</p> - -<p class='c034'>Our own conversion came at last. We began to -stir against slavery. Hearts grew soft, here, there, -and yonder. There was no place in the land where -the seeker could not find some small budding sign of -<span class='pageno' id='Page_392'>392</span>pity for the slave. No place in all the land but one--the -pulpit. It yielded at last; it always does. It -fought a strong and stubborn fight, and then did what -it always does, joined the procession--at the tail end. -Slavery fell. The slavery text remained; the practice -changed, that was all.</p> - -<p class='c034'>During many ages there were witches. The Bible -said so. The Bible commanded that they should not -be allowed to live. Therefore the Church, after -doing its duty in but a lazy and indolent way for -eight hundred years, gathered up its halters, thumb-screws, -and firebrands, and set about its holy work -in earnest. She worked hard at it night and day -during nine centuries and imprisoned, tortured, -hanged, and burned whole hordes and armies of -witches, and washed the Christian world clean with -their foul blood.</p> - -<p class='c034'>Then it was discovered that there was no such -thing as witches, and never had been. One does not -know whether to laugh or to cry. Who discovered -that there was no such thing as a witch--the priest, -the parson? No, these never discover anything. -At Salem, the parson clung pathetically to his witch -text after the laity had abandoned it in remorse and -tears for the crimes and cruelties it has persuaded -them to do. The parson wanted more blood, more -shame, more brutalities; it was the unconsecrated -laity that stayed his hand. In Scotland the parson -killed the witch after the magistrate had pronounced -her innocent; and when the merciful legislature proposed -to sweep the hideous laws against witches from -the statute book, it was the parson who came imploring, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_393'>393</span>with tears and imprecations, that they be suffered -to stand.</p> - -<p class='c034'>There are no witches. The witch text remains; -only the practice has changed. Hell fire is gone, but -the text remains. Infant damnation is gone, but -the text remains. More than two hundred death -penalties are gone from the law books, but the -texts that authorized them remain.</p> - -<p class='c034'>Is it not well worthy of note that of all the multitude -of texts through which man has driven his -annihilating pen he has never once made the mistake -of obliterating a good and useful one? It does certainly -seem to suggest that if man continues in the -direction of enlightenment, his religious practice may, -in the end, attain some semblance of human decency.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_394'>394</span> - <h2 class='c007'>THE WAR PRAYER <br /> <span class='small'>(Dictated 1904-05)</span></h2> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_2_0_4 c033'>It was a time of great and exalting excitement. -The country was up in arms, the war was on, -in every breast burned the holy fire of patriotism; -the drums were beating, the bands playing, the toy -pistols popping, the bunched firecrackers hissing and -spluttering; on every hand and far down the receding -and fading spread of roofs and balconies a fluttering -wilderness of flags flashed in the sun; daily the -young volunteers marched down the wide avenue -gay and fine in their new uniforms, the proud fathers -and mothers and sisters and sweethearts cheering -them with voices choked with happy emotion as -they swung by; nightly the packed mass meetings -listened, panting, to patriot oratory which stirred -the deepest deeps of their hearts, and which they -interrupted at briefest intervals with cyclones of -applause, the tears running down their cheeks the -while; in the churches the pastors preached devotion -to flag and country, and invoked the God of -Battles, beseeching His aid in our good cause in -outpouring of fervid eloquence which moved every -listener. It was indeed a glad and gracious time, -and the half dozen rash spirits that ventured to disapprove -of the war and cast a doubt upon its righteousness -straightway got such a stern and angry -<span class='pageno' id='Page_395'>395</span>warning that for their personal safety’s sake they -quickly shrank out of sight and offended no more -in that way.</p> - -<p class='c034'>Sunday morning came--next day the battalions -would leave for the front; the church was filled; -the volunteers were there, their young faces alight -with martial dreams--visions of the stern advance, -the gathering momentum, the rushing charge, the -flashing sabers, the flight of the foe, the tumult, the -enveloping smoke, the fierce pursuit, the surrender!--them -home from the war, bronzed heroes, welcomed, -adored, submerged in golden seas of glory! With -the volunteers sat their dear ones, proud, happy, -and envied by the neighbors and friends who had -no sons and brothers to send forth to the field of -honor, there to win for the flag, or, failing, die the -noblest of noble deaths. The service proceeded; a -war chapter from the Old Testament was read; the -first prayer was said; it was followed by an organ -burst that shook the building, and with one impulse -the house rose, with glowing eyes and beating -hearts, and poured out that tremendous invocation--</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b c040'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>“God the all-terrible! Thou who ordainest,</div> - <div class='line'>Thunder thy clarion and lightning thy sword!”</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c039'>Then came the “long” prayer. None could remember -the like of it for passionate pleading and moving -and beautiful language. The burden of its supplication -was, that an ever-merciful and benignant Father -of us all would watch over our noble young soldiers, and -aid, comfort, and encourage them in their patriotic -work; bless them, shield them in the day of battle -<span class='pageno' id='Page_396'>396</span>and the hour of peril, bear them in His mighty hand, -make them strong and confident, invincible in the -bloody onset; help them to crush the foe, grant to -them and to their flag and country imperishable -honor and glory--</p> - -<p class='c034'>An aged stranger entered and moved with slow -and noiseless step up the main aisle, his eyes fixed -upon the minister, his long body clothed in a robe -that reached to his feet, his head bare, his white -hair descending in a frothy cataract to his shoulders, -his seamy face unnaturally pale, pale even to ghastliness. -With all eyes following him and wondering, -he made his silent way; without pausing, he ascended -to the preacher’s side and stood there, waiting. With -shut lids the preacher, unconscious of his presence, -continued his moving prayer, and at last finished it -with the words, uttered in fervent appeal, “Bless -our arms, grant us the victory, O Lord our God, -Father and Protector of our land and flag!”</p> - -<p class='c034'>The stranger touched his arm, motioned him to -step aside--which the startled minister did--and -took his place. During some moments he surveyed -the spellbound audience with solemn eyes, in which -burned an uncanny light; then in a deep voice he -said:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“I come from the Throne--bearing a message -from Almighty God!” The words smote the house -with a shock; if the stranger perceived it he gave no -attention. “He has heard the prayer of His servant -your shepherd, and will grant it if such shall be your -desire after I, His messenger, shall have explained -to you its import--that is to say, its full import. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_397'>397</span>For it is like unto many of the prayers of men, in -that it asks for more than he who utters it is aware -of--except he pause and think.</p> - -<p class='c034'>“God’s servant and yours has prayed his prayer. -Has he paused and taken thought? Is it one prayer? -No, it is two--one uttered, the other not. Both -have reached the ear of Him Who heareth all supplications, -the spoken and the unspoken. Ponder this--keep -it in mind. If you would beseech a blessing -upon yourself, beware! lest without intent you invoke -a curse upon a neighbor at the same time. If you -pray for the blessing of rain upon your crop which -needs it, by that act you are possibly praying for a -curse upon some neighbor’s crop which may not -need rain and can be injured by it.</p> - -<p class='c034'>“You have heard your servant’s prayer--the -uttered part of it. I am commissioned of God to -put into words the other part of it--that part -which the pastor--and also you in your hearts--fervently -prayed silently. And ignorantly and -unthinkingly? God grant that it was so! You -heard these words: ‘Grant us the victory, O Lord -our God!’ That is sufficient. The <em>whole</em> of the -uttered prayer is compact into those pregnant words. -Elaborations were not necessary. When you have -prayed for victory you have prayed for many unmentioned -results which follow victory--<em>must</em> follow it, -cannot help but follow it. Upon the listening spirit -of God the Father fell also the unspoken part of the -prayer. He commandeth me to put it into words. -Listen!</p> - -<p class='c034'>“O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of -<span class='pageno' id='Page_398'>398</span>our hearts, go forth to battle--be Thou near them! -With them--in spirit--we also go forth from the -sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. -O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to -bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their -smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot -dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with -the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help -us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane -of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending -widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn -them out roofless with their little children to wander -unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags -and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of -summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in -spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the -refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who -adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their -lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy -their steps, water their way with their tears, stain -the white snow with the blood of their wounded -feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who -is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful -refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek -His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>(<i>After a pause.</i>) “Ye have prayed it; if ye still -desire it, speak! The messenger of the Most High -waits.”</p> - -<p class='c034'>It was believed afterward that the man was a -lunatic, because there was no sense in what he said.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_399'>399</span> - <h2 class='c007'>CORN-PONE OPINIONS <br /> <span class='small'>(Written in 1900)</span></h2> -</div> - -<p class='drop-capa0_2_0_4 c033'>Fifty years ago, when I was a boy of fifteen -and helping to inhabit a Missourian village on -the banks of the Mississippi, I had a friend whose -society was very dear to me because I was forbidden -by my mother to partake of it. He was a gay and -impudent and satirical and delightful young black -man--a slave--who daily preached sermons from -the top of his master’s woodpile, with me for sole -audience. He imitated the pulpit style of the several -clergymen of the village, and did it well, and with -fine passion and energy. To me he was a wonder. I -believed he was the greatest orator in the United -States and would some day be heard from. But -it did not happen; in the distribution of rewards he -was overlooked. It is the way, in this world.</p> - -<p class='c034'>He interrupted his preaching, now and then, to -saw a stick of wood; but the sawing was a pretense--he -did it with his mouth; exactly imitating the -sound the bucksaw makes in shrieking its way -through the wood. But it served its purpose; it -kept his master from coming out to see how the -work was getting along. I listened to the sermons -from the open window of a lumber room at the back -of the house. One of his texts was this:</p> - -<p class='c034'>“You tell me whar a man gits his corn pone, en -I’ll tell you what his ’pinions is.“</p> - -<p class='c034'><span class='pageno' id='Page_400'>400</span>I can never forget it. It was deeply impressed -upon me. By my mother. Not upon my memory, -but elsewhere. She had slipped in upon me while I -was absorbed and not watching. The black philosopher’s -idea was that a man is not independent, and -cannot afford views which might interfere with his -bread and butter. If he would prosper, he must train -with the majority; in matters of large moment, like -politics and religion, he must think and feel with the -bulk of his neighbors, or suffer damage in his social -standing and in his business prosperities. He must -restrict himself to corn-pone opinions--at least on -the surface. He must get his opinions from other -people; he must reason out none for himself; he -must have no first-hand views.</p> - -<p class='c034'>I think Jerry was right, in the main, but I think -he did not go far enough.</p> - -<p class='c034'>1. It was his idea that a man conforms to the -majority view of his locality by calculation and -intention.</p> - -<p class='c034'>This happens, but I think it is not the rule.</p> - -<p class='c034'>2. It was his idea that there is such a thing as a -first-hand opinion; an original opinion; an opinion -which is coldly reasoned out in a man’s head, by a -searching analysis of the facts involved, with the -heart unconsulted, and the jury room closed against -outside influences. It may be that such an opinion -has been born somewhere, at some time or other, but -I suppose it got away before they could catch it and -stuff it and put it in the museum.</p> - -<p class='c034'>I am persuaded that a coldly-thought-out and -independent verdict upon a fashion in clothes, or -<span class='pageno' id='Page_401'>401</span>manners, or literature, or politics, or religion, or -any other matter that is projected into the field of -our notice and interest, is a most rare thing--if it -has indeed ever existed.</p> - -<p class='c034'>A new thing in costume appears--the flaring hoopskirt, -for example--and the passers-by are shocked, -and the irreverent laugh. Six months later everybody -is reconciled; the fashion has established itself; -<a id='corr401.9'></a><span class='htmlonly'><ins class='correction' title='is'>it</ins></span><span class='epubonly'><a href='#c_401.9'><ins class='correction' title='is'>it</ins></a></span> is admired, now, and no one laughs. Public opinion -resented it before, public opinion accepts it now, and -is happy in it. Why? Was the resentment reasoned -out? Was the acceptance reasoned out? No. The -instinct that moves to conformity did the work. It -is our nature to conform; it is a force which not -many can successfully resist. What is its seat? The -inborn requirement of self-approval. We all have -to bow to that; there are no exceptions. Even the -woman who refuses from first to last to wear the -hoopskirt comes under that law and is its slave; -she could not wear the skirt and have her own -approval; and that she <em>must</em> have, she cannot help -herself. But as a rule our self-approval has its -source in but one place and not elsewhere--the -approval of other people. A person of vast consequences -can introduce any kind of novelty in dress -and the general world will presently adopt it--moved -to do it, in the first place, by the natural instinct to -passively yield to that vague something recognized -as authority, and in the second place by the human -instinct to train with the multitude and have its -approval. An empress introduced the hoopskirt, -and we know the result. A nobody introduced the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_402'>402</span>bloomer, and we know the result. If Eve should -come again, in her ripe renown, and reintroduce her -quaint styles--well, we know what would happen. -And we should be cruelly embarrassed, along at -first.</p> - -<p class='c034'>The hoopskirt runs its course and disappears. -Nobody reasons about it. One woman abandons the -fashion; her neighbor notices this and follows her -lead; this influences the next woman; and so on -and so on, and presently the skirt has vanished out -of the world, no one knows how nor why; nor cares, -for that matter. It will come again, by and by; -and in due course will go again.</p> - -<p class='c034'>Twenty-five years ago, in England, six or eight -wine glasses stood grouped by each person’s plate -at a dinner party, and they were used, not left idle -and empty; to-day there are but three or four in the -group, and the average guest sparingly uses about -two of them. We have not adopted this new fashion -yet, but we shall do it presently. We shall not think -it out; we shall merely conform, and let it go at -that. We get our notions and habits and opinions -from outside influences; we do not have to study -them out.</p> - -<p class='c034'>Our table manners, and company manners, and -street manners change from time to time, but the -changes are not reasoned out; we merely notice and -conform. We are creatures of outside influences; -as a rule we do not think, we only imitate. We cannot -invent standards that will stick; what we mistake -for standards are only fashions, and perishable. -We may continue to admire them, but we drop the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_403'>403</span>use of them. We notice this in literature. Shakespeare -is a standard, and fifty years ago we used to -write tragedies which we couldn’t tell from--from -somebody else’s; but we don’t do it any more, now. -Our prose standard, three quarters of a century ago, -was ornate and diffuse; some authority or other -changed it in the direction of compactness and simplicity, -and conformity followed, without argument. -The historical novel starts up suddenly, and sweeps -the land. Everybody writes one, and the nation is -glad. We had historical novels before; but nobody -read them, and the rest of us conformed--without reasoning -it out. We are conforming in the other way, -now, because it is another case of everybody.</p> - -<p class='c034'>The outside influences are always pouring in upon -us, and we are always obeying their orders and -accepting their verdicts. The Smiths like the new -play; the Joneses go to see it, and they copy the -Smith verdict. Morals, religions, politics, get their -following from surrounding influences and atmospheres, -almost entirely; not from study, not from -thinking. A man must and will have his own -approval first of all, in each and every moment and -circumstance of his life--even if he must repent of a -self-approved act the moment after its commission, -in order to get his self-approval <em>again</em>: but, speaking -in general terms, a man’s self-approval in the large -concerns of life has its source in the approval of the -peoples about him, and not in a searching personal -examination of the matter. Mohammedans are -Mohammedans because they are born and reared -among that sect, not because they have thought it -<span class='pageno' id='Page_404'>404</span>out and can furnish sound reasons for being Mohammedans; -we know why Catholics are Catholics; -why Presbyterians are Presbyterians; why Baptists -are Baptists; why Mormons are Mormons; why -thieves are thieves; why monarchists are monarchists; -why Republicans are Republicans and -Democrats, Democrats. We know it is a matter of -association and sympathy, not reasoning and examination; -that hardly a man in the world has an -opinion upon morals, politics, or religion which he -got otherwise than through his associations and sympathies. -Broadly speaking, there are none but corn-pone -opinions. And broadly speaking, corn-pone -stands for self-approval. Self-approval is acquired -mainly from the approval of other people. The -result is conformity. Sometimes conformity has a -sordid business interest--the bread-and-butter interest--but -not in most cases, I think. I think that in -the majority of cases it is unconscious and not calculated; -that it is born of the human being’s natural -yearning to stand well with his fellows and have -their inspiring approval and praise--a yearning -which is commonly so strong and so insistent that -it cannot be effectually resisted, and must have its -way.</p> - -<p class='c034'>A political emergency brings out the corn-pone -opinion in fine force in its two chief varieties--the -pocketbook variety, which has its origin in self-interest, -and the bigger variety, the sentimental -variety--the one which can’t bear to be outside the -pale; can’t bear to be in disfavor; can’t endure the -averted face and the cold shoulder; wants to stand -<span class='pageno' id='Page_405'>405</span>well with his friends, wants to be smiled upon, -wants to be welcome, wants to hear the precious -words, “<em>He’s</em> on the right track!” Uttered, perhaps -by an ass, but still an ass of high degree, an ass whose -approval is gold and diamonds to a smaller ass, and -confers glory and honor and happiness, and membership -in the herd. For these gauds many a man -will dump his life-long principles into the street, and -his conscience along with them. We have seen it -happen. In some millions of instances.</p> - -<p class='c034'>Men think they think upon great political questions, -and they do; but they think with their party, -not independently; they read its literature, but not -that of the other side; they arrive at convictions, -but they are drawn from a partial view of the matter -in hand and are of no particular value. They swarm -with their party, they feel with their party, they are -happy in their party’s approval; and where the -party leads they will follow, whether for right and -honor, or through blood and dirt and a mush of -mutilated morals.</p> - -<p class='c034'>In our late canvass half of the nation passionately -believed that in silver lay salvation, the other half -as passionately believed that that way lay destruction. -Do you believe that a tenth part of the people, -on either side, had any rational excuse for having -an opinion about the matter at all? I studied that -mighty question to the bottom--came out empty. -Half of our people passionately believe in high tariff, -the other half believe otherwise. Does this mean -study and examination, or only feeling? The latter, -I think. I have deeply studied that question, too--and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_406'>406</span>didn’t arrive. We all do no end of feeling, and -we mistake it for thinking. And out of it we get an -aggregation which we consider a boon. Its name is -Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. It settles -everything. Some think it the Voice of God.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c023'> - <div>THE END</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> -<p class='c034'><a id='endnote'></a></p> -<div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c023'> - <div><span class='large'>Transcriber’s Note</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c034'>Errors deemed most likely to be the printer’s have been corrected, and -are noted here. The references are to the page and line in the original.</p> - -<table class='table2' summary=''> -<colgroup> -<col width='12%' /> -<col width='69%' /> -<col width='18%' /> -</colgroup> - <tr> - <td class='c008'><a id='c_ix.22'></a><a href='#corrix.22'>ix.22</a></td> - <td class='c008'>did not waste his chances[.]</td> - <td class='c041'>Added.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'><a id='c_ix.24'></a><a href='#corrix.24'>ix.24</a></td> - <td class='c008'>on the list of Americ[n/a]n authors</td> - <td class='c041'>Replaced.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'><a id='c_8.10'></a><a href='#corr8.10'>8.10</a></td> - <td class='c008'>and yet wi[ll/th] all that silence</td> - <td class='c041'>Replaced.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'><a id='c_10.14'></a><a href='#corr10.14'>10.14</a></td> - <td class='c008'>the col[l]ossal myths of history</td> - <td class='c041'>Removed.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'><a id='c_47.14'></a><a href='#corr47.14'>47.14</a></td> - <td class='c008'>They all sat in a c[ri/ir]cle</td> - <td class='c041'>Transposed.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'><a id='c_71.13'></a><a href='#corr71.13'>71.13</a></td> - <td class='c008'>he wrote [i/a]t once to the Emperor</td> - <td class='c041'>Replaced.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'><a id='c_97.7'></a><a href='#corr97.7'>97.7</a></td> - <td class='c008'>men’s conception of the D[ie/ei]ty</td> - <td class='c041'>Transposed.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'><a id='c_108.24'></a><a href='#corr108.24'>108.24</a></td> - <td class='c008'>in his bay window![”]</td> - <td class='c041'>Added.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'><a id='c_122.20'></a><a href='#corr122.20'>122.20</a></td> - <td class='c008'>breezes would quiver the fo[il/li]age</td> - <td class='c041'>Transposed.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'><a id='c_209.15'></a><a href='#corr209.15'>209.15</a></td> - <td class='c008'>most lavishly u[n/p]holstered</td> - <td class='c041'>Replaced.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'><a id='c_217.27'></a><a href='#corr217.27'>217.27</a></td> - <td class='c008'><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr"><i>[“]Il y a une ascenseur,”</i></span></td> - <td class='c041'>Added.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'><a id='c_260.12'></a><a href='#corr260.12'>260.12</a></td> - <td class='c008'>The Ka[si/is]er’s claim was paid</td> - <td class='c041'>Transposed.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'><a id='c_268.13'></a><a href='#corr268.13'>268.13</a></td> - <td class='c008'>our war work and our her[io/oi]sms</td> - <td class='c041'>Transposed.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'><a id='c_275.21'></a><a href='#corr275.21'>275.21</a></td> - <td class='c008'>[“]I deny emphatically</td> - <td class='c041'>Added.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'><a id='c_277.28'></a><a href='#corr277.28'>277.28</a></td> - <td class='c008'>Christian virtues[:/.]</td> - <td class='c041'>Replaced.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'><a id='c_303.3'></a><a href='#corr303.3'>303.3</a></td> - <td class='c008'>the[m/n] moved them to fall</td> - <td class='c041'>Replaced.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'><a id='c_401.9'></a><a href='#corr401.9'>401.9</a></td> - <td class='c008'>i[s/t] is admired</td> - <td class='c041'>Replaced.</td> - </tr> -</table> - -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK EUROPE AND ELSEWHERE ***</div> -<div style='text-align:left'> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will -be renamed. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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