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diff --git a/old/68504-0.txt b/old/68504-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 3140116..0000000 --- a/old/68504-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1965 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of Down the line with John Henry, by Hugh -McHugh - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: Down the line with John Henry - -Author: Hugh McHugh - -Release Date: July 11, 2022 [eBook #68504] - -Language: English - -Produced by: Al Haines - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DOWN THE LINE WITH JOHN -HENRY *** - - - - - - - -[Illustration: Cover art] - - - - - -[Frontispiece: "Take a satchel and the ice-tongs and haul it -away!"--Page 19.] - - - - - DOWN THE LINE - WITH - JOHN HENRY - - - BY HUGH McHUGH - AUTHOR OF "JOHN HENRY" - - - - ILLUSTRATIONS BY McKEE BARCLAY. - - - - G. W. DILLINGHAM CO. - PUBLISHERS NEW YORK - - - - - COPYRIGHT, 1901, - BY G. W. DILLINGHAM Co. - - - _All rights reserved_ - - - -Any infringement of copyright will be strictly dealt with according -to law. - - - - _DOWN THE LINE - WITH JOHN HENRY_ - - - - -_To_:-- - -_Pete and the Little Man, two of the best ever--believe me!_ - -_John Henry._ - - - - -CONTENTS. - - -John Henry at the Races - -John Henry and the Drummers - -John Henry in Bohemia - -John Henry and the Hotel Clerk - -John Henry and the Benzine Buggy - -John Henry at the Musicale - -John Henry Plays Golf - - - - -LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. - - -"Take a Satchel and the Ice-Tongs and Haul It Away." - -"A Bunch of Brisk Boys--Believe Me!" - -"When Clara Jane Arose, She Was a Mass of Icicles!" [Missing from -source book] - -"We Get It Good and Plenty Every Day!" said Steve. - -"For a Chaser She Wore One of those Feather Boas." - -"He Gathered the Gourd Up Under His Chin." [Missing from source book] - -"Jake Invited Her to Join the Hunting Party." - - - - -JOHN HENRY AT THE RACES. - -I was anxious to make Clara Jane think that she was all the money, so -I boiled out a few plunks, trotted over to the trolley, and rushed -her to the race track. - -I'm a dub on the dope, but it was my play to be a Wise Boy among the -skates on this particular occasion, and I went the whole distance. - -In the presence of my lady love I knew every horse that ever pulled a -harrow. - -Isn't it cruel how a slob will cut the guy-ropes and go up in the air -just because his Baby is by his side? - -Me--to the mountain tops! - -Before the car got started I was telling her how Pittsburg Phil and I -win $18,000 last summer on a fried fish they called "Benzine." - -Then I confided to her the fact that I doped a turtle named "Pink -Toes" to win the next day, but he went over the fence after a loose -bunch of grass and I lose $23,680. - -She wanted to know what I meant by dope, and I told her it generally -meant a sour dream, but she didn't seem to grab. - -When we got to the track they were bunching the bones for the first -race, so I told Clara Jane I thought I'd crawl down to the ring and -plaster two or three thousand around among the needy. - -Two or three thousand, and me with nothing but a five-spot in my -jeans and the return ticket money in that! - -"Are you really going to bet?" she asked. - -"Sure!" I said; "I've got a pipe!" - -"Well, I hope you won't smoke it near me. I hate pipes!" she said. - -"All right; I'll take my pipe down to the betting ring and smoke it -there!" I said, and we parted good friends. - -In front of the grand stand I met Nash Martinetti. - -He was holding a bunch of poppies and he picked out one in the first -race and handed it to me. - -"A skinch!" said Nash. "Go as far as you like." - -Then Ned Rose went into a cataleptic state and handed me the -winner--by a block. It couldn't go wrong unless its feet fell out. - -"Here you are, John Henry, the real Pietro!" said Ban Roberts; "play -Pump Handle straight and place! It's the road to wealth--believe me! -All the others are behind the hill!" - -Every Breezy Boy I met had a different hunch and they called me into -the wharf and unloaded. - -I figured it out that if I had bet $5 on each good thing they gave me -I would have lost $400,000. - -Then I ducked under, sopped up a stein of root beer and climbed up -again to the hurricane deck. - -"Did you bet?" inquired Clara Jane. - -"Only $730," I said; "A mere bag o' shells." - -I leave a call for 7.30 every morning and I suppose that's the reason -I was so swift with the figures. - -"My! what a lot of money!" said the Fair One; "do point out the horse -you bet on! I shall be awfully interested in this race!" - -Carlo! you're a bad dog--lie down! - -I pointed out the favorite as the one I had my bundle on, and -explained to Clara Jane that the only way it could lose was for some -sore-head to get out and turn the track around. - -Sure enough the favorite galloped into port and dropped anchor six -hours ahead of the other clams. - -I win over $2,200--conversation money--and Bonnie Brighteyes was in a -frenzy of delight. - -She wanted to know if I wasn't going to be awfully careful with it -and save it up for a rainy day. - -I told her yes, but I expected we'd have a storm that afternoon. - -I had a nervous chill for fear she'd declare herself in on the -rake-off. - -But she didn't, so I excused myself and backed down the ladder to -cash in. - -The boys were all out in the inquest room trying to find out what -killed the dead ones. - -Then they stopped apologizing to themselves and began to pick things -out of the next race and push them up their sleeves. - -I ran across Harry Maddy and he took me up to the roof with a line of -talk about a horse called "Pretty Boy" in the last race. - -"He'll be over 80 to 1 and it's a killing," Harry insisted. "Get -down to the bank when the doors open and grab all you can. Take a -satchel and the ice-tongs and haul it away." - -I was beginning to be impressed. - -"Put a fiver on Pretty Boy," Harry continued, "and you'll find -yourself dropping over in the Pierp Morgan class before sun down." - -"This may be a real Alexander," I said to myself. - -"Pretty Boy can stop in the stretch to do a song and dance and still -win by a bunch of houses," Harry informed me. - -I began to think hard. - -"Don't miss it," said Harry. "It's a moral that if you play him -you'll die rich and disgraced, like our friend Andy, the Hoot Mon!" - -When I got back to the stand I had a preoccupied air. - -The five-spot in my jeans was crawling around and begging for a -change of scene. - -When Clara Jane asked me how much I had bet on the race just about to -start I could only think of $900. - -When she wanted to know which horse I pointed my finger at every toad -on the track and said "that one over there!" - -It won. - -At the end of the third race I was $19,218 to the good. - -Clara Jane had it down in black and white on the back of an envelope -in figures that couldn't lie. - -She said she was very proud of me, and that's where my finish bowed -politely and stood waiting. - -She told me that it was really very wrong to bet any more after such -a run of luck, and made me promise that I wouldn't wring another -dollar from the trembling hands of the poor Bookmakers. - -I promised, but she didn't notice that I had my fingers crossed. - -I simply _had_ to have a roll to flash on the way home, so I took my -lonely V and went out into the Promised Land after the nuggets Maddy -had put me wise to. - -"It will be just like getting money from Uncle Peter," I figured. - -"A small steak from Pretty Boy," I said to Wise Samuel, the -Bookmaker; "what's doing?" - -Wise Samuel gave me the gay look-over. - -"Take the ferry for Sioux Falls!" he said. - -"Nix on the smart talk, Sammy!" I said; "Me for the Pretty Boy! How -much?" - -"A bundle for a bite--you're on a cold plate!" whispered Wise Samuel, -but he couldn't throw me. - -"I don't see any derricks to hoist the price with," I tapped him. - -"Write your own ticket, then you to the woods!" said Sammy. - -In a minute my fiver was up and I was on the card to win $500 when my -cute one came romping home. - -I went back to Clara Jane satisfied that in a few minutes I'd have a -roll big enough to choke the tunnel. - -"Not having any money on this race you can watch it without the least -excitement, can't you?" she said. - -I said yes, and all the while I was scrapping with a lump in my -throat the size of my fist. - -When the horses got away with Pretty Boy in front I started in to -stand on my head, but changed my mind and swallowed half the program. - -Pretty Boy at the quarter! Me for Rector's till they put the shutters -up! - -Pretty Boy at the half! Me down to Tiffany's in the morning -dragging tiaras away in a dray! - -Pretty Boy at the three-quarter pole! Me doing the free library gag -all over the place! - -But just as they came in the stretch Pretty Boy forgot something and -went back after it. - -The roach quit me cold at the very door of the safety deposit vaults. - -I was under the water a long time. - -Finally I heard Clara Jane saying, "Isn't it lucky you didn't bet on -this race. I believe you would have picked that foolish looking -horse that stopped over there to bite the fence!" - -"I'm done! turn me over!" I murmured, and then I rushed down among -the ramblers and made a swift touch for the price of a couple of -rides home. - -On the way back Clara Jane made me promise again that I'd be awfully, -awfully careful of my $19,218. - -I promised her I would. - - - - -JOHN HENRY WITH THE DRUMMERS. - -It was a swift squad of sports that climbed into a coach and allowed -themselves to be yanked over the rails in the direction of Chicago -one morning last week. - -A bunch of brisk boys--believe me! - -[Illustration: "A bunch of brisk boys--believe me!"] - -Nick Dalrymple, Tod Stone, Slim Barnes--say! do you remember Slim? - -Travels for a clothing house in Cincinnati and they call him Slim -because he's so fat that every time he turns around he meets himself -coming back. - -He's all to the good--that boy is! - -And such a cut-up! - -Slim knows more "look-out!--there's - a - lady - over - there!" -stories than any other drummer in the business. - -Nick goes after the gilt things for a hardware house in Columbus and -he knows everybody in the world--bar no one living. - -Nick has only one trouble, he will paddle after the ponies. - -Whenever he makes a town where there's a pool room his expense -account gets fat and beefy, and Nick begins to worry for fear he may -win something. - -He won $12 in Cleveland once and he spent $218 at a boozeologist's -that night getting statistics on how it happened. - -Tod Stone cuts ice for a match factory in Newark and he's the life of -a small party. - -Tod's main hold is to creep into the "reading room" of a Rube hotel -after the chores are done of an evening and throw salve at the -come-ons. - -Tod tells them that their town is the brightest spot on the map and -they warm up to him and want to buy him sarsaparilla and root beer. - -Then when he gets them stuck on themselves he sells them matches. - -"Pipe the gang to quarters and all rubber!" said Slim, about half an -hour after the train pulled out. - -In the seat ahead of us a somewhat demure looking Proposition in -rainbow rags had been sampling the scenery ever since we started. - -We had all given her the glad glance but she was very much Cold -Storage, so we passed it up. - -As Slim spoke, the Proposition was joined by a young chap with a -loose face who had been out in the smoking room working faithfully on -one of those pajama panatella cigars that bite you on the ringer if -you show the least sign of fear. - -Just then the train stopped for a few minutes and we were put wise to -the fact that it was an incurable case of bride and groom. - -"Oh! Boozey is back to his Birdie!" said the brand new wife; "did -Boozey like his smoky woky?" - -Boozey opened a bunch of grins and sat down while wifey patted his -cheek and cooed: - -"Is ums glad to get back to ums 'ittle wifey-pifey?" - -Nick Dalrymple and Tod Stone began to scream inwardly and Slim was -chuckling like a pet porpoise. - -"Sweetie mustn't be angry with Petie, but Sweetie is sitting on -Petie's 'ittle hand!" said the bride, whereupon Tod exploded and Slim -began to grab for his breath. - -A Dutch brewer and his wife sat right ahead of Boozey and Birdie and -every once in a while the old hop puncher would turn around and beam -benignly over the gold rims at the bride. - -"Boozie must snuggy-wuggy up closer to his Coozie and skeeze her -'itty arm--no, no, not her waist! you naughty! naughty!" - -The brewer was back at the bride with another gold-rimmed goo-goo -when his wife got nervous and cut in: - -"Is id you turn your face to see someding--yes?" she snapped, and the -foam builder ducked to the window and began to eat scenery. - -Dalrymple was almost out; Tod was under the seat sparring for wind; -Slim was giving an imitation of a coal-barge in a heavy sea, and the -rest of the passengers were in various stages from hiccoughs to -convulsions. - -"Is Boozey comfy wif his 'itty weeny teeny Birdie?" chirped the bride. - -"Boozey is so happy wif his izzy-wizzy!" gurgled the husband; "how's -my 'ittle girley wirly?" - -"Oh! she's such a happy wappy 'ittle fing!" giggled the dotty dame, -pinching her piggie's ear, whereupon the brewer tried to hand the -bride another gasoline gaze, but the old lady caught him with the -goods: - -"Is id to my face you go behind my back to make googley-googley eyes -ad somevun--yes?" she growled, and in a minute the brewer's brow was -busy with the window pane. - -"Sweetie looks at Petie and Sweetie sees that Petie's p'etty face is -getting sunburned, so it is!" cuckooed Mrs. Daffy; "and Sweetie has a -dood mind to tiss him, too!" - -They opened a newspaper, crawled under cover and began to bite each -other on the chin. - -"Go as far as you like!" said Slim, then he went down and out. - -The man who helped to make Weehawken famous had his head out the -window watching for an ice-wagon, and Mrs. Brewer was industriously -muttering "Du bist ein Narr. Du bist ein Narr!" - -Just then the train pulled out and saved our lives. - -Nick, Tod, Slim and I went over near the water-cooler to rest up, and -in a minute the three of them were fanning each other with fairy -tales about the goods they sold. - -I'll back these three boys to dream longer than any other drummers on -the track. - -It's a pipe that they can sell bills to each other all day and never -wake up. - -Slim turned the gas on to the limit about hypnotizing a John -Wanamaker merchant prince in Pikesville, Indiana, to the extent of -$200 for open-work socks, farmer's size, and Todd Stone sent his -balloon up by telling us how he sold the Siegel-Coopers of Bugsport, -Iowa, $300 worth of Panama hats for horses. - -The Hot Air Association was in full session when Buck Jones caromed -over from the other end of the car and weighed-in with us. - -Buck is a sweller. - -He thinks he strikes twelve on all occasions, but his clock is all to -the bad. - -Buck isn't a drummer--nay! nay! take back your gold! - -He'll look you straight in the eye and tell you he's a _travelling -salesman_--nix on the drummer! - -I think Buck sells canned shirt waists for the Shine Brothers. - -Buck's wife and a three-year-old were traveling with him, but he -wasn't giving it out through a megaphone. - -Buck is one of those goose-headed guys who begin to scratch gravel -and start in to make a killing every time they see a pretty girl. - -Across the aisle sat two pet canaries from Plainfield, New Jersey. - -They were members of the Soubrette Stinging Society and they were en -route to the West to join the "Bunch of Birds Burlesque Company." - -Their names were Millie and Tillie and they wore Florodora hats and -did a sister act that contained more bad grammar than an East Side -pinochle game. - -Millie was fully aware that she could back Duse off the map, and -Tillie was ready to bet a week's salary that she could make Bernhardt -feel like she was out in the storm we had day before yesterday. - -Slim called them the Roast-Beef Sisters, Rare and Well-done. - -In a minute the castors on Buck's neck began to turn. - -Slim put us wise with a wink so we lit the fire and began to cook it -up. - -Buck's heart was warming for the birds in the gilded cage. - -"The real Kibo!" said Slim; "it's a plain case of Appomattox; the war -is over and they are yours, Buck!" - -Buck turned a few more volts into his twinkling lamps. - -"Lower your mainsail, Buck, and drop alongside; you've made the -landing," suggested Nick. - -Buck began to feel his necktie and play patty-cake with the little -bald spot on the top of his head. - -"Stop the hansom and get out; you're at your corner," said Tod. - -The Sweet Dreams across the way were giving Buck the glorious -eye-roll and he felt that dinner was ready. - -"Hang up your hat, Buck, and gather the myrtle with Mary!" I chipped -in. - -Then Buck bounced over and began to show Millie and Tillie what a -handsome brute he was at close quarters. - -He sat on the arm of the seat and steamed up. - -In less than a minute he crowded the information on them that he was -a millionaire who had escaped from Los Angeles, Cal., and he was just -going to put them both in grand opera when his three-year-old toddled -down the aisle and grabbed him by the coat tail: - -"Papa! Mama wants 'oo to det my bottle of milk!" - -"Stung!" shrieked Slim. - -"Back to the nursery!" howled Tod, and then as Buck crawled away to -home and mother we let out a yell that caused the conductor to think -the train had struck a Wild West show. - -During the rest of the trip Buck was nailed to his seat. - -Every time he tried to use the elastic in his neck the wife would -burn him with a hard, cold glitter. - -The Roast-Beef Sisters seemed to be all carved up about something or -other. - -We were back to the shop selling things again when Sledgeheimer -fluttered down among us. - -The boys call him putty because he's the next thing to a pane. - -He's such a stingy loosener that he looks at you with one eye so's -not to waste the other. - -If you ask Sledgeheimer what time it is he takes off four minutes as -his commission for telling you. - -"Barnes," said Sledgeheimer, "do you smoke?" - -It was a knock-out. - -In the annals of the road no one could look back to the proud day -when Sledgeheimer had coughed. - -Once, so the legend runs, he gave a porter a nickel, but it was -afterwards discovered that Sledgeheimer was asleep and not -responsible at the time, so the porter gave it back. - -Sledgeheimer tried to collect three cents interest for the time the -porter kept the nickel, and the conductor had to punch his mileage -and his nose before he'd let go. - -And now Sledgeheimer had asked Barnes if he smoked. - -Slim was pale but game. - -"Sometimes!" he answered. - -"Do you like a goot seegar?" queried Sledgeheimer. - -We looked for the engine to hit a cow any minute now. - -"Sure!" said Slim, weak all over. - -"Vell," said Sledgeheimer, "here is my brudder-in-law's card. He -makes dot Grass Vidow seegar on Sigsth Afenue. Gif him a call und -mention my name. He vill be glat to see you, yet." - -Then Sledgeheimer went away back and sat down. - -The laugh was on Slim so he got busy with the button. - - - - -JOHN HENRY IN BOHEMIA. - -Boys! let me put you wise! If you want to keep off the griddle don't -ever try to show your shy little lady friend how the birdies sing in -"Bohemia." - -You'll get stung if you do. - -For the past six months Clara Jane has been handing out hints that -she'd like to have me take her down the line and let her Oh, listen -to the band! in one of those real devilish New York restaurants. - -She intimated that she'd like to sit in the grand stand and hold the -watch on those who are going the pace that kills. - -She wanted to know if I thought she could toy with a tenderloin steak -in a careless café without getting the call down from Uncle William. - -Clara Jane's Uncle William hands out the lesson leaflets in Sunday -school and wrestles the Golden Rule to a finish every Sabbath. - -During the week he conducts a fire sale. - -I told her I thought she could and she was pleased. - -"I'm just crazy to take lunch, sometime, among the Bohemians!" she -gurgled. - -I told her I though she'd have a happier time if we tramped down to -the tunnel and butted in among the Italians just as the twelve -o'clock whistle blew, and she threw both lamps at me good and hard. - -Clara Jane spent the summer once at Sag Harbor and she's been a -subscriber for _The Young Ladies' Home Companion_, but outside of -these her young life has been devoid of excitement. - -A few days ago I took her to the matinee at "The New York" where you -have to pinch off only 50 cents and then you're entitled to slosh -around in parlor furniture and eat up about $8 worth of comedy. - -That "New York" thing is immense--believe me! - -Everything else has faded away. - -After the show we thought we'd pat the pave for a few blocks and who -should we run into but Bud Phillips. - -Bud belongs to the Grand Lodge of Good Fellows. - -So far as I can size him up the Good Fellow puts in twelve hours a -day trying to stab himself to death with gin rickeys, and the other -twelve are devoted to yelling for help and ice-water. - -This is not a tap on the door. Nix on the knock. - -It isn't my cue to aim the hammer. - -When it comes to falling off the water wagon I can do a bit of a -specialty in grand and lofty tumbling that gets a loud hand from all -the members of the High Tide Association. So nix on the knock. - -His father cut out the breathing business about two years ago and -left Bud $100,000 and a long dry spell on the inside. - -Bud has been in the lake ever since. - -"As you were!" said Bud. "Why, it's John Henry! touch thumbs, old -pal?" and then in a side speech he wanted to know what troupe the -soubrette was cutting-up with. - -If Clara Jane had heard him my finish would have hopped over the -fence then and there. - -But she didn't, so I introduced them and quietly tipped Bud off to -the fact that it will be a case of wedding bells when Willie gets a -wad--be nice! be nice! - -And Bud woke up to the occasion. - -"You to the carryall!" he said. "I'll float you down to Muttheimer's -and we'll get busy with the beans!" - -"He's out to cough for a few cookies," I explained to Clara Jane. - -"I never heard of Muttheimer's before," said Clara Jane, on the side. - -"You luck has given you a thrown-down," I said. - -"But I do hope it's Bohemian," she sighed. - -"Sure!" I said. I hated to break her heart. - -Muttheimer's is one of those eateries where the waiters look wise -because they can't speak English. - -If you ask them a question they bark at you in German. - -It's supposed to be Bohemian because there's sawdust on the floor and -the flies wear pajamas and say "Prosit!" before falling in the stuff -that you swallow to-day and taste to-morrow. - -Bud bunches his hits on the bell and the low-forehead has a -Fitzsimmons hug on the order when Ikey Mincenpizenstein crawls into -the harbor and drops anchor at our table. - -I don't know how Ikey ever pressed close enough to get on Bud's staff. - -Ikey is a lazy loosener. - -When the waiter deals out the check Ikey is the busiest talker in the -bunch. - -Whenever he passes a bank he takes off his hat and walks on his toes. - -He's the sort of a Sim Dempsey who sheds in-growing tears every time -anybody spends money in his neighborhood. - -He hates to see it wasted, and that's why his whiskers peep out of -his face and worry the wind. - -But, then, a Good Fellow doesn't have to go to sea to gather -barnacles. - -I spoke his name fast when I introduced Ikey to Clara Jane but she -was busy trying to live a swift life by ordering a seltzer lemonade, -so it didn't make much difference, anyway. - -"What is he?" she whispered after a bit, "a painter?" - -"Oh! he's a painter all right," I said. "When some one leads him up -to a tub." - -"Water-colors or oil?" she asked. - -"Oil," I said; "Fusel oil." - -"Has he ever done any good thing?" said she. - -"Yes," I said; "Bud Phillips." - -"Oh, I'm enjoying this so much! Who is the man with the fawn-like -eyes and the long hair at that other table?" she whispered. - -He was the night-watchman of the apartment house next door but I gave -her an easy speech to the effect that he was Bill Beethoven, a -grandson of old man Beethoven who wrote the wedding march and "Mah -Rainbow Coon" and "Father Was a Gentleman When Mother Was Not Near" -and several other gems. - -She thought she was in Bohemia and having the time of her life, so I -let her dream. - -In the meantime Bud was busy trying to put out the fire in the well -Ikey used for a neck. - -Every time a waiter looked over at out table Bud's roll would blaze -up. - -Clara Jane concluded she'd broaden out a bit on Art and the Old -Masters so she asked Ikey if he liked Rembrandt. - -Ikey looked at her out of the corner of one eye and said, "Much -'bliged, but I'm up to here now!" - -Then he went to sleep. - -Bud was beginning to see double. Every once in a while he'd stop -trying to whistle "Sallie, My Hot Tamale," and he'd look over at -Clara Jane and hand her a sad, sad smile. - -Then he'd press money in the waiter's hand and wait for his music cue. - -Clara Jane had about decided that Bohemia was away up stage, but I -wouldn't let go. I wanted her to get the lesson of her life, and -that's where my finish began to get busy. - -Tom Barclay waltzed into the subway, saw me and in a minute he was -making the break of his life. - -"Why, hello, John Henry!" said Tom, "say, I saw her to-day--and she's -immense! You've got a great eye, old man!" - -I tossed off a few wicked winks on that great eye of mine but Tom -went right along to the funeral. - -"Lizzie B. is a peach, John Henry! You've got the eye for the good -girls, all right, all right!" he chortled. - -Clara Jane began to freeze. - -I felt like a boiled potato in the hands of an Irish policeman. - -"She's every bit to the good, old man!" Tom turned it on again; "she -makes all the other birds chatter in the cage. And her feet--did you -ever see such feet?" - -I looked at Clara Jane's face, but there was no light in the window -for me. - -"You certainly picked out a warm proposition when you put your arms -around Lizzie B. and I'm your friend for life for hauling me up in -the chariot with you--what'll you have?" croaked Tom. - -"Thirty-two bars rest," I whispered hoarsely; "cut it all out!" - -"Cut out nothing!" said the prize idiot; "We'll drink to Lizzie B. -What'll your lady friend have?" - -When Clara Jane arose she was a mass of icicles. - -"Mr. John Henry! will you have the kindness to escort me to a car?" -she said, giving me the glittering gig-lamps, "then you may return -and discuss your affairs of the heart at your leisure." - -"Stung!" said Bud, bringing his hand down on the table so vigorously -that Ikey woke up and ordered another high-ball. - -Me--to the Badlands! It took me three mortal hours to convince her -that Tom _was only talking about a horse_. - -Hereafter when Clara Jane yearns for something swift I'll take her -down and let her watch the trolley cars go by. - - - - -JOHN HENRY AND THE HOTEL CLERK. - -Kee Barclay, Jim Wilkinson and I were leaning over the counter -talking to His Nobs, the Hotel Clerk, when Dan the Dyspeptic squeezed -up and began to let a peep out of him about the pie he had eaten for -dinner. - -"Calm yourself!" said Smiling Steve, "and tell me where it bit you." - -Steve has been throwing keys at the wall for some time, and he knows -how to burn the beefers. - -"Bit me! bit me!" snarled the old chap; "nothing of the kind, sir! I -want you to know, sir, that your pie isn't fit to eat, sir!" - -"Cut it out!" suggested Steve. - -"Cut it out, sir! how can I cut it out when I've eaten it, sir? It's -an outrage and I shall leave this hotel to-morrow," said Dan. - -"With the exception of $31.72, balance due, that will be about all -from you!" said Steve. - -"I'll see the proprietor," said the old fellow, moving away with a -face on him like an interrupted beef stew. - -"We get it good and plenty every day," said Steve, and just then -Skate Peters grabbed the book and burned his John Hancock on it. - -[Illustration: "'We get it good and plenty every day!' said Steve."] - -I knew his name was Skate because it looked like one on the register. - -"Bath?" queried Steve. - -"Only during a hot wave," said Skate. - -Steve went to the ropes, but he came up smiling, as usual. - -"American or European?" asked Steve. - -"Neither," said Skate; "Don't you see I'm from Jersey City." - -"Going to be with us long?" inquired Steve. - -"Say, Bub! you're hellanall on asking questions, now aint you?" -answered Skate; "you just push me into a stall and lock the gate--I'm -tired." - -"Front! show this gentleman to 49!" said Skate, side-stepping to -avoid punishment. - -Then Sweet William, the Boy Drummer, hopped into the ring for the -next round. - -Willie peddles pickles for the fun he gets of it. - -It is Willie's joy and delight to get a ginger ale bun on and recite -"'Ostler Joe." - -When trained down to 95 flat Willie can get up and beat the clapper -off "Curfew Shall Not Ring To-night." - -When Willie gets a strangle hold on "Sheridan's Ride" you can hear -horses galloping outside. - -It's the rest of the community getting out of harm's way. - -"Any mail?" inquired Willie. - -All the mail that Willie ever gets is a postal card from the pickle -factory every two weeks asking him if the people along his route have -all lost their appetites. - -"No literature for you," Steve answered. - -"Strange," said Willie, "my lady friends are very remiss, aren't -they?" - -"Yes; it looks like they were out to drop you behind the piano," said -Steve. - -Willie tore off a short rabbit laugh and then inquired what time the -next train left for New York. - -The pickle factory expects Willie to make Pocomoke City, Squashtown -Junction and Nubbinsville before next Sunday, so he tossed the train -gag out just to show Steve that he knows there's a place called New -York. - -"At 7.45 over the D. L. & Q," said Steve. - -"What's the next?" inquired Willie. - -"At 8.10 over the H. B. & N.," Steve answered. - -"Which gets there first?" Willie asked. - -"The engineer," sighed Steve. - -"Oh, you droll chap!" said the pickle pusher; "give me some -toothpicks." - -Then Sweet William went over to the big window, burrowed into a -chair, stuck his feet up on the brass rail, ate toothpicks and -thought he was _IT_. - -When I got back to Steve he was dealing out the cards to a lady from -Reading, Pa., and Kee and Jim had ducked to the billiard room. - -Her husband had been up in the air with a bum automobile and when he -came down he was several sections shy. - -They found a monkey wrench imbedded in his left shoulder which he -couldn't remember using when he tried to fix the machine. - -She was traveling for his health. - -"My room is too near the elevator," she informed Steve. - -"I can give you a very nice room on the third floor--Front! show the -lady----" - -"Same size room?" - -"Yes, Madam." - -"Same colored carpet on the floor?" - -"I believe it has--Front! show the lady----" - -"Southern exposure?" - -"Yes, Madam, it's at the end of the hall." - -"I want a room near the elevator, that's always the way in these -hotels! One can never get just what one wants! At the end of the -hall, indeed!" And with this she gave Steve the Society sting with -both eyes and flounced out. - -Steve bit the end off a pen holder and said the rest internally. - -Just then a couple of troupers trailed in. - -They were with the "Bandit's Bride Co.," and the way had been long -and weary. - -"What have you got--double?" asked the villain of the piece. - -"Two dollars and up!" said Steve. - -"Nothing better?" inquired Low Comedy--he was making a crack but -nobody caught him. - -"Four dollars, with bath," Steve suggested. - -"Board?" asked the villain. - -"Nothing but the sleeps and a fresh cake of soap," said Steve. - -"Ring down!" Low Comedy put in; "Why, we lived a whole week in -Pittsburg for less than that." - -"You can turn the same trick here if you carry your own coke and -sleep in the Park," said Steve. - -"What's the name of this mint?" asked the villain. - -Steve told him. - -"To the tow-path!" said Barrett Macready; "we're outside the life -lines. We thought it was the Liverwurst Hotel where they throw -things at your appetite for $1 a day, double. To the left, wheel! -Forward, march!" and once more the drama was on its way. - -As Low Comedy turned proudly on his heel he threw upon the counter a -printed card. - -Steve had it framed and glued to the wall next day. - -It read as follows. - - -HOTEL RULES--HELP YOURSELF. - -RULE 1.--We cash no checks drawn on Papa. He's a dead one. - -RULE 2.--Eat all our booze you want to, but go elsewhere and select -your snakes. - -RULE 3.--Don't call the waitress by her first name. She's liable to -spoil your appetite. - -RULE 4.--Guests who desire to have nightmare will find the harness in -the restaurant, so back up! - -RULE 5.--To prevent guests from carrying fruit from the table we'll -have no fruit. We're lucky to have the table. - -RULE 6.--If you feel tired, go away back and sit down. - -RULE 7.--In case of fire jump out the window and turn to the left. - -RULE 8.--Breakfast from 4 to 3; dinner from hand to mouth, and supper -from what's left over. - -RULE 9.--Hug as many high-balls as you please, but don't wave the red -flag in the office--you might disturb Harold Spotwood, the room -clerk. He was out late last night. - -RULE 10.--If you don't like your room, kick the bell-boy. Apply at -the office for spiked shoes. - -RULE 11.--If you don't see what you want ask for it and you'll get -it--good and hard! - -RULE 12.--Ask the bar-keeper to let you have one of our justly -celebrated high tides. It will do you good. - -RULE 13.--Try our boneless potato salad; apply to the night watchman. - -RULE 14.--All the shines are not in the barber shop. Lie down, Fido. - -RULE 15.--That will be about all from you. - - - - -JOHN HENRY AND THE BENZINE BUGGY. - -A cross-country dub named Montrose has been doing the Shine specialty -around Clara Jane lately. - -He began to call evenings and bring a bunch of ready-grown flowers -with him as big as a hay stack. - -Then he'd spread around the parlor and tell her how he won the -long-distance running jump in the '01 Yale class. - -As you approached him from the front the first name you saw was -Clarence--Clarence Edgerton Montrose. - -Wouldn't that slap you! - -I don't think Clara Jane considered him the real kittens, but he -could talk fast and use long words and she found him pleasant company. - -She said she loved to sit and shade her eyes with the $8 fan I gave -her and listen to Clarence Edgerton Montrose while he discoursed -about Palestine and the Holy Land. - -If he was ever there he went in a hack. - -That's the trouble with some of those college come-outs! The -Professors beat them over the head with a geography and then as soon -as they get a crowd around they begin to go to the places that struck -them hardest. - -As an honest, hard-working man it was my duty to put the boots to -Edgerton and run him down the lane as far as the eye could see. - -So I framed up Clarence's finish with much attention to detail. - -I looked over Clara Jane's dates ahead and found that Clarence had -rented the house for a Wednesday matinee, so I hired one of those -horseless carriage things and pulled up in front of the windows just -about the time I thought His Feathers would be playing the overture. - -I knew that Clara Jane would cancel the contract with the mutt that -mixed in just as soon as she saw the automobile snap. - -I figured that the picture entitled "The True Lover's Departure in -the Dream Wagon" would put a crimp in Clarence about the size of a -barn door. - -It was my third or fourth time behind the lever of the busy barouche, -but I was wise that you pulled the plug this way when you wanted it -to go ahead, and you shoved it back when you wanted it to stop. - -When it came to benzine buggies I felt that my education was complete. - -I was George Gazazza, the real Rolando, when I pulled up in front of -my lady friend's front gate. - -My market price was $18,000 a square inch. - -In six minutes by the watch Clara Jane was down and in the kerosene -caravan. - -Clarence hadn't arrived. - -Somebody must have put him next, but I knew where he lived and I -figured it out that after we came back from Lonely Lane I'd send the -landau around and around the block he camped in till I made him dizzy. - -Clara Jane was the feature of the game. - -She was the limit in ladies' dress goods. - -For a chaser she wore one of those feather boas that feel cool -because they look so warm. - -[Illustration: "For a chaser she wore one of those feather boas."] - -Well, I turned the horseless gag into the shell road and cut loose. - -We were doing about 43 miles an hour and the birdies were singing on -the way. - -Clarence Edgerton Montrose was working in Shaft No. 3, back in the -mines--my lady friend told me so. - -She was having the time of her life. - -I was her candy boy for sure. - -Just then something snapped and the machine started for Portland, -Maine, on the basis of a mile in eight seconds. - -Clara Jane grabbed me around the neck and I grabbed the lever. - -"The eccentric has buckled the thingamajig!" I yelled, pushing the -lever over to stop the carryall. - -The thing gave me the horse laugh, jumped over a telegraph pole, bit -its way through a barb-wire fence and then started down the road at -the rate of 2,000,000 miles a minute. - -"Why don't you stop it?" screamed my lady friend. - -"I'll be the goat; what's the answer?" I said, clawing the lever and -ducking the low bridges. - -We met a man on a bicycle and the last I saw of him as we whizzed by -he had found a soft spot in a field about four blocks away and he was -going into it head first. - -We kept his bicycle and carried it along on our smoke stack. - -I couldn't stop the thing to save my life. - -Every time I yanked the lever the snap would let a chortle out of its -puzzle department and fly 400 feet straight through the air. - -We were headed for an old ash heap, and my market price had gone down -to three cents a ton. - -"Don't jump!" I yelled to my lady friend, but the wind whisked the -first half of my sentence away. - -Clara Jane gathered her skirts in a bunch and did a flying leap out -of the crazy cab. - -She landed right in the middle of that heap of fresh ashes--and she -made good. - -All I could see was a great, gray cloud as I pushed on to the next -stand. About half a mile further down the road the machine concluded -to turn into a farm-yard and give the home folks a treat. - -It went through a window in the barn, out through a skylight, did the -hula dance over the lawn, and then fell in the well and stayed there, -panting as though its little gas-engine heart would break. - -When I limped back to Clara Jane the storm signals were flying. - -She was away out on the ice. - -The feather boa looked like the hawser on a canal boat, and the ashes -had changed the pattern of her dress goods. - -We were stingy talkers on the road home. - -It will take me two years to square myself. - -Hereafter, me to the trolley! - -Me to the saucy stage coach when I'm due to gallop away and away! - -No more benzine buggies for yours sincerely! - -Never again for the bughouse barouche! Not me. - -I have only one consolation: The chap we pried off the bicycle was -Clarence Edgerton Montrose. - -It will take him about three years and two months to find all the -spots that foolish-wagon knocked off him. - -Meantime, I hope to be Clara Jane's sugar buyer again. - - - - -JOHN HENRY AT THE MUSICALE. - -Did you ever get ready and go to a _musicale_? - -Isn't it the velvet goods? - -They pulled off one at Jack Frothingham's last Wednesday evening and -I had to walk up and down the aisle with the rest of the bunch. - -Mind you, I like Jack, so this is no secret conclave of the Anvil -Association. - -Only, I wish to put him wise that when he gives his next _musicale_ -my address is Forest Avenue, in the woods. - -When I reached Jack's house the Burnish Brothers were grabbing -groutchy music out of a guitar that didn't want to give up, and the -mad revel was on. - -The Burnish Brothers part their hair in the middle and always do "The -Washington Post" march on their mandolins for an encore. - -If Mr. Sousa ever catches them there'll be a couple of shine -chord-squeezers away to the bad. - -When the Burnish Brothers took a bow and backed off we were all -invited to listen to a soprano solo by Miss Imogene Lukewarm. - -Somebody went around and locked the doors, so I made up my mind to -die game. - -A foolish friend once told Imogene she could sing, so she went out -and bought up a bunch of tra-la-la's and began to beat them around -the parlor. - -When Imogene sings she makes faces at herself. - -If she needs a high note she goes after like she was calling the -dachshund in to dinner. - -Imogene sang "Sleep, Sweetly Sleep," and then kept us awake with her -voice. - -After Imogene crept back to her cave we had the first treat of the -evening, and the shock was so sudden it jarred us. - -Uncle Mil came out and quivered a violin obligato entitled "The Lost -Sheep in the Mountain," and it was all there is. - -Uncle Mil was the only green spot in the desert. - -When he gathered the gourd up under his chin and allowed the bow to -tiptoe over the bridge you could hear the nightingale calling to its -mate. - -I wanted to get up a petition asking Uncle Mil to play all the -evening and make us all happy, but Will Bruce wouldn't let me. - -Will said he wasn't feeling very well and he wanted to hear the rest -of the program and feel worse. - -He got his wish. - -The next thing we had was Sybil, the Illusionist. - -Sybil did a lot of mouldy tricks with cards and every few minutes she -fell down and sprained her sleight of hand. - -Sybil was a polish for sure. - -Then Swift McGee, the Boy Monologuist, flung himself in the breach -and told a bunch of Bixbys. - -It was a cruel occasion. - -Swift had an idea that when it came to cracking merry booboos he -could pull Lew Dockstader off the horse and leave him under the fence. - -As a monologuist Swift thought he had George Fuller Golden half way -across the bay, and Fred Niblo was screaming for help. - -Swift often told himself that he could give Marshall P. Wilder six -sure-fires and beat him down to the wire. - -Swift is one of those low-foreheads who "write their own stuff" and -say "I done it!" - -After Swift had talked the audience into a chill, he pushed on and -left us with a stone bruise on our memories. - -Then we had Rufus Nelson, the parlor prestidigitator. - -Rufus was a bad boy. - -He cooked an omelet in a silk hat and when he gave the hat back to -Ed. Walker the poached eggs fell out and cuddled up in Ed's hair. - -Rufus apologized and said he'd do the trick over again if someone -else would lend him a hat, but there was nothing doing. - -When the contralto crawled under the ropes and began to tell us that -the bells in the village rang ding-ding-dong I was busy watching a -Goo-goo Bird. - -Did you ever spot one of those Glance-Givers? - -This chap's name was Llewellyn Joyce, and he considered himself a -perfect hellyon. - -He thought all he had to do was to roll his lamps at a lassie and she -was off the slate. - -Llewellyn loved to sit around at the _musicale_ and burn the belle of -the ball, with his goo-goo eyes. - -Llewellyn needed a swift slap--that's what he needed. - -Next we had the Nonpariel Quartette, and they were the boys that -could eat up the close harmony! - -They sang "Love, I am Lonely!" from start to finish without stopping -to call the waiter. - -Then we had Clarissa Coldslaw in select recitations. - -She was all the money. - -Clarissa grabbed "Hamlet's Soliloquy" between her pearly teeth and -shook it to death. - -She got a half-Nelson on Poe's "Raven" and put it out of the business. - -Then she gave an imitation of the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet. - -If Juliet talked like that dame did, no wonder she took poison. - -But when she let down her hair and started in to give us a mad -scene--me to the sand dunes! - -It was a case of flee as a bird with yours respectfully. - -Those _musicale_ things would be aces if the music didn't set them -back. - - - - -JOHN HENRY ON GOLF. - -Hereafter golf is the game for Gillis! - -Me for the niblick and the brassie--fine! - -Billy Baldwin, Harry Ford and Eddie Bartlett took me out last summer -and put me wise to the whole lay-out. In less than an hour I could -play the game better than Doolan, and he's the man that made it. - -Golf has all the other games slapped to a sit-down. - -I know it because I played it once and Billy told me that as soon as -a few Scotch thistles sprouted on my shins I'd be the real rinakaboo! - -Harry told me I could drive good enough to own a hack, and Eddie -thought I was the likeliest side-stepper that ever did a -grass-chopping specialty. - -The only drawback they found was that I didn't hit the ball. - -It's immense for the chest measurement to have the bunch hand you out -the salve spiel--believe me! - -I took my lady friend out Westchester way last week and on the road I -was Reckless Robert with the big talk. - -It's a habit with me to go up and butt the ceiling every time my lady -friend is near enough to listen. - -Most of us young guys are gushers with the loud language when the -Best and Only is in the building. - -How we do like to gather the gab and hand out hints to the heroine -that she's gazing on the greatest ever! - -When Clara Jane asked me if I knew the game I told her that I used to -room with the man that built the first links. - -When she asked me his name I told her it was McDougall, because -that's the name of a head-waiter who helps to spend my money. - -She asked me if I knew what a lofter is and I said, "Sure, I eat them -for breakfast every morning!" - -When we reached Westchester we met a Society duck named Lionel von -Hamburg. - -I think his father invented the Hamburger steak. - -Lionel was all to the best. - -He was Finnegan the Fine Boy, for sure. - -One of those tart little red coats squeezed his shape, and around his -neck he had a pink stock that was waiting for a chance to choke him. - -My lady friend met this gilly once at a bean _soiree_ and she was his -evening star. - -They sat on the stairs together and put a kink in the caramels. - -When the gong sounded for the ice-cream that night Lionel had dipped -her out a tubful, and he was sure she liked him for his boyish ways. - -So on this occasion it was Lionel's play to give me the low tackle -and claim the calico. - -But I'm something of a Mr. Fox myself on rare occasions, and I -couldn't see Lionel doing a two-step through the farm lands with my -Esmeralda--not through the opera glasses. - -Clara Jane introduced me to His Pinkness and he invited us in the -clubhouse to throttle our thirsts. - -I ordered a rickey, Clara Jane called for a lemonade, and Lionel's -guess was a pail of Vichy and milk. - -When the suds rolled up I gave the Vichy stuff the sad eye and Lionel -caught the gaze. - -I could see that he wanted to back pedal right then, but he waited -until the next round and then he waded out among the high boys. - -It was the bluff of his life. - -His limit on bug bitters was imported ginger ale with a piece of lime -in it. - -When he was out roystering and didn't care what became of him he -would tell the bartender to add a dash of phosphates. - -But now he made up his mind to splash around in the tide waters just -because the lady was looking on. - -Lionel felt that the future was at stake and he must cut out the -saw-dust extracts and get busy with the grown-up booze. - -After the first high ball Lionel began to chatter and mention money. - -The mocking birds were singing down on the old bayou, and he began to -give Clara Jane the loving leer. - -She grew a bit uneasy and wanted to start the paddle wheels, but I -signalled to the waiter because I wished her to see her Society slob -at his best. - -At first he insisted upon dragging out a basket of Ruinart, and he -wanted to order rubber boots so we could slosh around in it. - -But I steered him off and he went all the way up the hill and picked -out another high fellow. - -When the second high was under cover he reached over and patted Clara -Jane on the hand. - -He wanted to lead her away to Paris and show her everything that -money could buy. - -When she gave him the "Sir!" gag he apologized and said he didn't -mean Paris, he meant the Pan-American. - -Then he smiled feverishly and opened a package of hiccoughs. - -When Clara Jane and I moved out on the links Lionel was watching the -floor and trying to pick out a spot that didn't go 'round and 'round. - -His chips were all in and he was Simon with the Souse, for sure. - -Clara Jane said, "What a ridiculous person!" but what she meant was, -that that would be about all from Lionel. - -Then we chartered a couple of caddie boys and started in to render a -few choice selections on the clubs. - -My caddie boy's name was Mike, and he looked the part. - -The first crack out of the box I lost my ball and Mike found it under -his left eye. - -I gave him a quarter to square myself and he said I could hit him on -the other eye for ten cents more. - -I made the first hole in 26, and felt that there was nothing more to -live for. - -Clara Jane could have made it in 84, but she used up her nerve -watching a cow in the lot about two miles away. - -My lady friend is a quitter when it comes to cows. - -Then we decided to stop playing and walk around the links just so we -could say that we had seen most of the United States of America. - -Out near the Fifth hole we met young Mil Roberts and Frank Jenvey. - -They were playing a match for 60 cents a side and they were two busy -boys, all right, all right. - -Mil had his sleeves rolled up to show the mosquito bites on his -muscles, and Frank was telling himself how he missed the last bunker. - -I asked Mil what time it was and he told me, "Three up and four to -play!" - -I suppose that was Central time. - -I handed Frank a few bars of polite conversation but he gave me the -Frostburg face. - -Did you ever have one of those real players pass you out the golfish -glare? - -You for the snowstorm when you get it--believe me! - -Then Mil and Frank dove in the mudcan, cooked a pill, placed the ball -on it, slapped it in the slats, gave us the dreary day-day and were -on their way. - -It must be awful to play for money. - -At the Seventh hole we found Jake Roberts ploughing the side of a -hill with his niblick. - -He said he lost a ball there one day last summer and he wanted it -back because it belonged to a set. - -Jake said he went to Three in four with that ball once, but the folks -wouldn't believe him till he showed them the ball. - -When I introduced him to Clara Jane he invited her to join the -hunting party, and intimated that I'd enjoy the new mown scenery -further down the line. - -[Illustration: "Jake invited her to join the hunting party."] - -I whip-sawed him with a whistling specialty entitled, "Why Don't You -Get a Lady of Your Own?" and he promised to be good. - -After we trailed over the mountains, through seven farms, across -three rivers, up the valley and down the railroad, we finally reached -the end of the links and took the steamer back to mother. - -Clara Jane says golf would be a great game if it wasn't so far from -home. - -Yours till the bench breaks--believe me! - - -JOHN HENRY - - - - - - - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DOWN THE LINE WITH JOHN -HENRY *** - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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