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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Works, V3, by Lucian of Samosata
+#3 in our series by Lucian of Samosata
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+Title: Works, V3
+
+Author: Lucian of Samosata
+
+Release Date: November, 2004 [EBook #6829]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on January 28, 2003]
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+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WORKS, V3 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Robert Nield, Tom Allen, Charles Franks
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+THE WORKS OF LUCIAN OF SAMOSATA
+
+Complete with exceptions specified in the preface
+
+TRANSLATED BY
+
+H. W. FOWLER AND F. G. FOWLER
+
+VOLUME III
+
+OF FOUR VOLUMES
+
+What work nobler than transplanting foreign thought into the barren
+domestic soil? except indeed planting thought of your own, which
+the fewest are privileged to do.--_Sartor Resartus_.
+
+At each flaw, be this your first thought: the author doubtless said
+something quite different, and much more to the point. And then you
+may hiss _me_ off, if you will.--LUCIAN, _Nigrinus_, 9.
+
+(LUCIAN) The last great master of Attic eloquence and Attic wit.--
+_Lord Macaulay_.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS OF VOL. III
+
+
+LIFE OF DEMONAX
+
+A PORTRAIT-STUDY
+
+DEFENCE OF THE 'PORTRAIT-STUDY'
+
+TOXARIS: A DIALOGUE OF FRIENDSHIP
+
+ZEUS CROSS-EXAMINED
+
+ZEUS TRAGOEDUS
+
+THE COCK
+
+ICAROMENIPPUS, AN AERIAL EXPEDITION
+
+THE DOUBLE INDICTMENT
+
+THE PARASITE, A DEMONSTRATION THAT SPONGING IS A PROFESSION
+
+ANACHARSIS, A DISCUSSION OF PHYSICAL TRAINING
+
+OF MOURNING
+
+THE RHETORICIAN'S VADE MECUM
+
+THE LIAR
+
+DIONYSUS, AN INTRODUCTORY LECTURE
+
+HERACLES, AN INTRODUCTORY LECTURE
+
+SWANS AND AMBER
+
+THE FLY, AN APPRECIATION
+
+REMARKS ADDRESSED TO AN ILLITERATE BOOK-FANCIER
+
+ALPHABETICAL TABLE OF CONTENTS
+
+
+
+
+LIFE OF DEMONAX
+
+
+It was in the book of Fate that even this age of ours should not be
+destitute entirely of noteworthy and memorable men, but produce a
+body of extraordinary power, and a mind of surpassing wisdom. My
+allusions are to Sostratus the Boeotian, whom the Greeks called,
+and believed to be, Heracles; and more particularly to the
+philosopher Demonax. I saw and marvelled at both of them, and with
+the latter I long consorted. I have written of Sostratus elsewhere
+[Footnote: The life of Sostratus is not extant.], and described his
+stature and enormous strength, his open-air life on Parnassus,
+sleeping on the grass and eating what the mountain afforded, the
+exploits that bore out his surname--robbers exterminated, rough
+places made smooth, and deep waters bridged.
+
+This time I am to write of Demonax, with two sufficient ends in
+view: first, to keep his memory green among good men, as far as in
+me lies; and secondly, to provide the most earnest of our rising
+generation, who aspire to philosophy, with a contemporary pattern,
+that they may not be forced back upon the ancients for worthy
+models, but imitate this best--if I am any judge--of all
+philosophers.
+
+He came of a Cyprian family which enjoyed considerable property and
+political influence. But his views soared above such things as
+these; he claimed nothing less than the highest, and devoted
+himself to philosophy. This was not due to any exhortations of
+Agathobulus, his predecessor Demetrius, or Epictetus. He did indeed
+enjoy the converse of all these, as well as of Timocrates of
+Heraclea, that wise man whose gifts of expression and of
+understanding were equal. It was not, however, to the exhortations
+of any of these, but to a natural impulse towards the good, an
+innate yearning for philosophy which manifested itself in childish
+years, that he owed his superiority to all the things that ordinary
+men pursue. He took independence and candour for his guiding
+principles, lived himself an upright, wholesome, irreproachable
+life, and exhibited to all who saw or heard him the model of his
+own disposition and philosophic sincerity.
+
+He was no half-baked enthusiast either; he had lived with the
+poets, and knew most of them by heart; he was a practised speaker;
+he had a knowledge of philosophic principles not of the superficial
+skin-deep order; he had developed and hardened his body by exercise
+and toil, and, in short, had been at the pains to make himself
+every man's equal at every point. He was consistent enough, when he
+found that he could no longer suffice to himself, to depart
+voluntarily from life, leaving a great reputation behind him among
+the true nobility of Greece.
+
+Instead of confining himself to a single philosophic school, he
+laid them all under contribution, without showing clearly which of
+them he preferred; but perhaps he was nearest akin to Socrates;
+for, though he had leanings as regards externals and plain living
+to Diogenes, he never studied effect or lived for the applause and
+admiration of the multitude; his ways were like other people's; he
+mounted no high horse; he was just a man and a citizen. He indulged
+in no Socratic irony; but his discourse was full of Attic grace;
+those who heard it went away neither disgusted by servility nor
+repelled by ill-tempered censure, but on the contrary lifted out of
+themselves by charity, and encouraged to more orderly, contented,
+hopeful lives.
+
+He was never known to shout or be over vehement or angry, even when
+he had to correct; he touched offences, but pardoned offenders,
+saying that the doctors' was the right model, who treat sickness
+but are not angry with the sick. It is human, he thought, to err,
+but divine (whether in God or man) to put the error right.
+
+A life of this sort left him without wants of his own; but he was
+always ready to render any proper service to his friends--including
+reminders to those among them who passed for fortunate, how brief
+was their tenure of what they so prided themselves upon. To all, on
+the other hand, who repined at poverty, resented exile, or
+complained of old age or bad health, he administered laughing
+consolation, and bade them not forget how soon their troubles would
+be over, the distinction between good and bad be obsolete, and long
+freedom succeed to short-lived distress.
+
+He was fond of playing peace-maker between brothers at variance, or
+presiding over the restoration of marital harmony. He could say a
+word in season, too, before an agitated political assembly, which
+would turn the scale in favour of patriotic duty. Such was the
+temper that philosophy produced in him, kindly, mild, and cheerful.
+
+Nothing ever grieved him except the illness or death of a friend,
+friendship being the one among blessings that he put highest; and
+indeed he was every man's friend, counting among his kindred
+whatever had human shape. Not that there were no degrees in the
+pleasure different people's society gave him; but he avoided none,
+except those who seemed so far astray that they could get no good
+from him. And every word or act in which these principles took
+shape might have been dictated by the Graces and Aphrodite; for 'on
+his lips Persuasion sat,' as the play has it.
+
+Accordingly he was regarded with reverence at Athens, both by the
+collective assembly and by the officials; he always continued to be
+a person of great consequence in their eyes. And this though most
+of them had been at first offended with him, and hated him as
+heartily as their ancestors had Socrates. Besides his candour and
+independence, there had been found Anytuses and Meletuses to repeat
+the historic charges: _he had never been known to sacrifice, and
+he made himself singular by avoiding initiation at Eleusis_. On
+this occasion he showed his courage by appearing in a garland and
+festal attire, and then pleading his cause before the people with a
+dash of unwonted asperity infused into his ordinary moderate tone.
+On the count of never having sacrificed to Athene, 'Men of Athens,'
+he said, 'there is nothing wonderful in this; it was only that I
+gave the Goddess credit for being able to do very well without
+sacrifices from me.' And in the matter of the Mysteries, his reason
+for not following the usual practice was this: if the Mysteries
+turned out to be bad, he would never be able to keep quiet about it
+to the uninitiated, but must dissuade them from the ceremony;
+while, if they were good, humanity would tempt him to divulge them.
+The Athenians, stone in hand already, were at once disarmed, and
+from that time onwards paid him honour and respect, which
+ultimately rose to reverence. Yet he had opened his case with a
+bitter enough reproof: 'Men of Athens, you see me ready garlanded;
+proceed to sacrifice me, then; your former offering [Footnote:
+i.e., Socrates.] was deficient in this formality.'
+
+I will now give some specimens of his pointed and witty sayings,
+which may begin with his answers to Favorinus. The latter had heard
+that he made fun of his lectures, and in particular of the
+sentimental verses with which they were garnished, and which
+Demonax thought contemptible, womanish, and quite unsuited to
+philosophy. So he came and asked him: 'Who, pray, are you, that you
+should pour scorn upon me?' 'I am the possessor of a critical pair
+of ears,' was the answer. The sophist had not had enough;
+'_You_ are no infant,' he went on, 'but a philosopher, it
+seems; may one ask what marks the transformation?' 'The marks of
+manhood,' said Demonax.
+
+Another time the same person came up and asked him what school of
+philosophy he belonged to. 'Who told you I was a philosopher?' was
+all he said. But as he left him, he had a good laugh to himself,
+which Favorinus observing, demanded what he was laughing at; 'I was
+only amused by your taking a man for a philosopher because he wears
+a beard, when you have none yourself.'
+
+When Sidonius, who had a great reputation at Athens as a teacher,
+was boasting that he was conversant with all the philosophic
+systems--but I had better quote his words. 'Let Aristotle call, and
+I follow to the Lyceum; Plato, and I hurry to the Academy; Zeno,
+and I make my home in the Porch; Pythagoras, and I keep the rule of
+silence.' Then rose Demonax from among the audience: 'Sidonius,
+Pythagoras calls.'
+
+A pretty girlish young man called Python, son of some Macedonian
+grandee, once by way of quizzing him asked a riddling question and
+invited him to show his acumen over it. 'I only see one thing, dear
+child,' he said, 'and that is, that you are a _fair_ logician.'
+The other lost his temper at this equivoque, and threatened him:
+'You shall see in a minute what a man can do.' 'Oh, you keep a man,
+do you?' was Demonax's smiling retort.
+
+He once, for daring to laugh at an athlete who displayed himself in
+gay clothes because he had won an Olympic victory, received a blow
+on the head with a stone, which drew blood. The bystanders were all
+as angry as if they had themselves been the victims, and set up a
+shout--'The Proconsul! the Proconsul!' 'Thank you, gentlemen,' said
+Demonax, 'but I should prefer the doctor.'
+
+He once picked up a little gold charm in the road as he walked, and
+posted a notice in the market-place stating that the loser could
+recover his property, if he would call upon Demonax and give
+particulars of the weight, material, and workmanship. A handsome
+young exquisite came, professing to have lost it. The philosopher
+soon saw that it was a got-up story; 'Ah, my boy,' he said, 'you
+will do very well, if you lose your other charms as little as you
+have lost this one.'
+
+A Roman senator at Athens once presented his son, who had great
+beauty of a soft womanish type. 'My son salutes you, sir,' he said.
+To which Demonax answered, 'A pretty lad, worthy of his father, and
+extremely like his mother.'
+
+A cynic who emphasized his principles by wearing a bear's skin he
+insisted on addressing not by his name of Honoratus, but as Bruin.
+
+Asked for a definition of Happiness, he said that only the free was
+happy. 'Well,' said the questioner, 'there is no lack of free
+men.'--'I count no man free who is subject to hopes and fears.'--
+'You ask impossibilities; of these two we are all very much the
+slaves.' 'Once grasp the nature of human affairs,' said Demonax,
+'and you will find that they justify neither hope nor fear, since
+both pain and pleasure are to have an end.'
+
+Peregrine Proteus was shocked at his taking things so lightly, and
+treating mankind as a subject for humour: 'You have no teeth,
+Demonax.' 'And you, Peregrine, have no bowels.'
+
+A physical philosopher was discoursing about the antipodes; Demonax
+took his hand, and led him to a well, in which he showed him his
+own reflection: 'Do you want us to believe that the antipodes are
+like _that_?'
+
+A man once boasted that he was a wizard, and possessed of mighty
+charms whereby he could get what he chose out of anybody. 'Will it
+surprise you to learn that I am a fellow-craftsman?' asked Demonax;
+'pray come with me to the baker's, and you shall see a single
+charm, just one wave of my magic wand, induce him to bestow several
+loaves upon me.' Current coin, he meant, is as good a magician as
+most.
+
+The great Herodes, mourning the untimely death of Pollux, used to
+have the carriage and horses got ready, and the place laid at
+table, as though the dead were going to drive and eat. To him came
+Demonax, saying that he brought a message from Pollux. Herodes,
+delighted with the idea that Demonax was humouring his whim like
+other people, asked what it was that Pollux required of him. 'He
+cannot think why you are so long coming to him.'
+
+When another person kept himself shut up in the dark, mourning his
+son, Demonax represented himself to him as a magician: he would
+call up the son's ghost, the only condition being that he should be
+given the names of three people who had never had to mourn. The
+father hum'd and ha'd, unable, doubtless, to produce any such
+person, till Demonax broke in: 'And have you, then, a monopoly of
+the unendurable, when you cannot name a man who has not some grief
+to endure?'
+
+He often ridiculed the people who use obsolete and uncommon words
+in their lectures. One of these produced a bit of Attic purism in
+answer to some question he had put. 'My dear sir,' he said, 'the
+date of my question is to-day; that of your answer is _temp_.
+_Bell_. _Troj_.'
+
+A friend asking him to come to the temple of Asclepius, there to
+make prayer for his son, 'Poor deaf Asclepius!' he exclaimed; 'can
+he not hear at this distance?'
+
+He once saw two philosophers engaged in a very unedifying game of
+cross questions and crooked answers. 'Gentlemen,' said he, 'here is
+one man milking a billy-goat, and another catching the proceeds in
+a sieve.'
+
+When Agathocles the Peripatetic vaunted himself as the first and
+only dialectician, he asked him how he could be the first, if he
+was the only, or the only, if he was the first.
+
+The consular Cethegus, on his way to serve under his father in
+Asia, said and did many foolish things. A friend describing him as
+a great ass, 'Not even a _great_ ass,' said Demonax.
+
+When Apollonius was appointed professor of philosophy in the
+Imperial household, Demonax witnessed his departure, attended by a
+great number of his pupils. 'Why, here is Apollonius with all his
+Argonauts,' he cried.
+
+Asked whether he held the soul to be immortal, 'Dear me, yes,' he
+said; 'everything is.'
+
+He remarked a propos of Herodes that Plato was quite right about
+our having more than one soul; the same soul could not possibly
+compose those splendid declamations, and have places laid for
+Regilla and Pollux after their death.
+
+He was once bold enough to ask the assembled people, when he heard
+the sacred proclamation, why they excluded barbarians from the
+Mysteries, seeing that Eumolpus, the founder of them, was a
+barbarian from Thrace.
+
+When he once had a winter voyage to make, a friend asked how he
+liked the thought of being capsized and becoming food for fishes.
+'I should be very unreasonable to mind giving them a meal,
+considering how many they have given me.'
+
+To a rhetorician who had given a very poor declamation he
+recommended constant practice. 'Why, I am always practising to
+myself,' says the man. 'Ah, that accounts for it; you are
+accustomed to such a foolish audience.'
+
+Observing a soothsayer one day officiating for pay, he said: 'I
+cannot see how you can ask pay. If it is because you can change the
+course of Fate, you cannot possibly put the figure high enough: if
+everything is settled by Heaven, and not by you, what is the good
+of your soothsaying?'
+
+A hale old Roman once gave him a little exhibition of his skill in
+fence, taking a clothes-peg for his mark. 'What do you think of my
+play, Demonax?' he said. 'Excellent, so long as you have a wooden
+man to play with.'
+
+Even for questions meant to be insoluble he generally had a shrewd
+answer at command. Some one tried to make a fool of him by asking,
+If I burn a hundred pounds of wood, how many pounds of smoke shall
+I get? 'Weigh the ashes; the difference is all smoke.'
+
+One Polybius, an uneducated man whose grammar was very defective,
+once informed him that he had received Roman citizenship from the
+Emperor. 'Why did he not make you a Greek instead?' asked Demonax.
+
+Seeing a decorated person very proud of his broad stripe, he
+whispered in his ear, while he took hold of and drew attention to
+the cloth, 'This attire did not make its original wearer anything
+but a sheep.'
+
+Once at the bath the water was at boiling point, and some one
+called him a coward for hesitating to get in. 'What,' said he, 'is
+my country expecting me to do my duty?'
+
+Some one asked him what he took the next world to be like. 'Wait a
+bit, and I will send you the information.'
+
+A minor poet called Admetus told him he had inserted a clause in
+his will for the inscribing on his tomb of a monostich, which I
+will give:
+
+  Admetus' husk earth holds, and Heaven himself.
+
+'What a beautiful epitaph, Admetus!' said Demonax, 'and what a pity
+it is not up yet!'
+
+The shrunk shanks of old age are a commonplace; but when his
+reached this state, some one asked him what was the matter with
+them. 'Ah,' he said with a smile, 'Charon has been having a bite at
+them.'
+
+He interrupted a Spartan who was scourging his servant with, 'Why
+confer on your slave the privilege of Spartans [Footnote: See
+_Spartans_ in Notes.] like yourself?' He observed to one Danae,
+who was bringing a suit against her brother, 'Have the law of him
+by all means; it was another Danae whose father was called the
+Lawless. [Footnote: See _Danae_ in Notes.]
+
+He waged constant warfare against all whose philosophy was not
+practical, but for show. So when he saw a cynic, with threadbare
+cloak and wallet, but a braying-pestle instead of a staff,
+proclaiming himself loudly as a follower of Antisthenes, Crates,
+and Diogenes, he said: 'Tell us no lies; your master is the
+professor of braying.'
+
+Noticing how foul play was growing among the athletes, who often
+supplemented the resources of boxing and wrestling with their
+teeth, he said it was no wonder that the champions' partisans had
+taken to describing them as lions.
+
+There was both wit and sting in what he said to the proconsul. The
+latter was one of the people who take all the hair off their bodies
+with pitch-plaster. A cynic mounted a block of stone and cast this
+practice in his teeth, suggesting that it was for immoral purposes.
+The proconsul in a rage had the man pulled down, and was on the
+point of condemning him to be beaten or banished, when Demonax, who
+was present, pleaded for him on the ground that he was only
+exercising the traditional cynic licence. 'Well,' said the
+proconsul, 'I pardon him this time at your request; but if he
+offends again, what shall I do to him?' 'Have him depilated,' said
+Demonax.
+
+Another person, entrusted by the Emperor with the command of
+legions and the charge of a great province, asked him what was the
+way to govern well. 'Keep your temper, say little, and hear much.'
+
+Asked whether he ate honey-cakes, 'Do you suppose,' he said, 'that
+bees only make honey for fools?'
+
+Noticing near the Poecile a statue minus a hand, he said it had
+taken Athens a long time to get up a bronze to Cynaegirus.
+
+Alluding to the lame Cyprian Rufinus, who was a Peripatetic and
+spent much time in the Lyceum walks, 'What presumption,' he
+exclaimed, 'for a cripple to call himself a Walking Philosopher!'
+
+Epictetus once urged him, with a touch of reproof, to take a wife
+and raise a family--for it beseemed a philosopher to leave some one
+to represent him after the flesh. But he received the home thrust:
+'Very well, Epictetus; give me one of your daughters.'
+
+His remark to Herminus the Aristotelian is equally worth recording.
+He was aware that this man's character was vile and his misdeeds
+innumerable, and yet his mouth was always full of Aristotle and his
+ten predicaments. 'Certainly, Herminus,' he said, 'no predicament
+is too bad for you.'
+
+When the Athenians were thinking, in their rivalry with Corinth, of
+starting gladiatorial shows, he came forward and said: 'Men of
+Athens, before you pass this motion, do not forget to destroy the
+altar of Pity.'
+
+On the occasion of his visiting Olympia, the Eleans voted a bronze
+statue to him. But he remonstrated: 'It will imply a reproach to
+your ancestors, men of Elis, who set up no statue to Socrates or
+Diogenes.'
+
+I once heard him observe to a learned lawyer that laws were not of
+much use, whether meant for the good or for the bad; the first do
+not need them, and upon the second they have no effect.
+
+There was one line of Homer always on his tongue:
+
+  Idle or busy, death takes all alike.
+
+He had a good word for Thersites, as a cynic and a leveller.
+
+Asked which of the philosophers was most to his taste, he said: 'I
+admire them all; Socrates I revere, Diogenes I admire, Aristippus I
+love.'
+
+He lived to nearly a hundred, free from disease and pain, burdening
+no man, asking no man's favour, serving his friends, and having no
+enemies. Not Athens only, but all Greece was so in love with him
+that as he passed the great would give him place and there would be
+a general hush. Towards the end of his long life he would go
+uninvited into the first house that offered, and there get his
+dinner and his bed, the household regarding it as the visit of some
+heavenly being which brought them a blessing. When they saw him go
+by, the baker-wives would contend for the honour of supplying him,
+and a happy woman was the actual donor. Children too used to call
+him father, and bring him offerings of fruit.
+
+Party spirit was once running high at Athens; he came into the
+assembly, and his mere appearance was enough to still the storm.
+When he saw that they were ashamed, he departed again without
+having uttered a word.
+
+When he found that he was no longer able to take care of himself,
+he repeated to his friends the tag with which the heralds close the
+festival:
+
+  The games are done,
+  The crowns all won;
+  No more delay,
+  But haste away,
+
+and from that moment abstaining from food, left life as cheerfully
+as he had lived it.
+
+When the end was near, he was asked his wishes about burial. 'Oh,
+do not trouble; scent will summon my undertakers.' Well, but it
+would be indecent for the body of so great a man to feed birds and
+dogs. 'Oh, no harm in making oneself useful in death to anything
+that lives.'
+
+However, the Athenians gave him a magnificent public funeral, long
+lamented him, worshipped and garlanded the stone seat on which he
+had been wont to rest when tired, accounting the mere stone
+sanctified by him who had sat upon it. No one would miss the
+funeral ceremony, least of all any of the philosophers. It was
+these who bore him to the grave.
+
+I have made but a small selection of the material available; but it
+may serve to give readers some idea of this great man's character.
+
+
+
+
+A PORTRAIT-STUDY
+
+_Lycinus. Polystratus_
+
+
+_Ly_. Polystratus, I know now what men must have felt like
+when they saw the Gorgon's head. I have just experienced the same
+sensation, at the sight of a most lovely woman. A little more, and
+I should have realized the legend, by being turned to stone; I am
+benumbed with admiration.
+
+_Poly_. Wonderful indeed must have been the beauty, and
+terrible the power of the woman who could produce such an
+impression on Lycinus. Tell me of this petrifying Medusa. Who is
+she, and whence? I would see her myself. You will not grudge me
+that privilege? Your jealousy will not take alarm at the prospect
+of a rival petrifaction at your side?
+
+_Ly_. Well, I give you fair warning: one distant glimpse of
+her, and you are speechless, motionless as any statue. Nay, that is
+a light affliction: the mortal wound is not dealt till _her_
+glance has fallen on _you_. What can save you then? She will
+lead you in chains, hither and thither, as the magnet draws the
+steel.
+
+_Poly_. Enough! You would make her more than human. And now
+tell me who she is.
+
+_Ly_. You think I am exaggerating: I fear you will have but a
+poor opinion of my eloquence when you see her as she is--so far
+above my praise. _Who_ she is, I cannot say: but to judge from
+the splendour of her surroundings, her retinue, her host of eunuchs
+and maids, she must be of no ordinary rank.
+
+_Poly_. And you never even asked her name?
+
+_Ly_. Why no; but she is from Ionia; because, as she passed, I
+heard one of the bystanders speak aside to his neighbour: 'See, he
+exclaimed, 'what Smyrna can produce! And what wonder, if the
+fairest of Ionian cities has given birth to the fairest of women?'
+I thought he must come from Smyrna himself, he was so proud of her.
+
+_Poly_. There you acted your stony part to perfection. As you
+could neither follow her, nor make inquiries of the Smyrnaean, it
+only remains for you to describe her as best you can, on the chance
+of my recognizing her.
+
+_Ly_. You know not what you ask. It is not in the power of
+words--certainly not of _my_ words--to portray such wondrous
+beauty; scarcely could an Apelles, a Zeuxis, a Parrhasius,--a
+Phidias or an Alcamenes, do justice to it; as for my flimsy
+workmanship, it will but insult the original.
+
+_Poly_. Well, never mind; what was she like? There can be no
+harm in trying your hand. What if the portrait be somewhat out of
+drawing?--the critic is your good friend.
+
+_Ly_. I think my best way out of it will be to call in the aid
+of some of the old masters I have named: let them fashion the
+likeness for me.
+
+_Poly_. Well, but--will they come? They have been dead so
+long.
+
+_Ly_. That is easily managed: but you must not mind answering
+me a few questions.
+
+_Poly_. You have but to ask.
+
+_Ly_. Were you ever at Cnidus?
+
+_Poly_. I was.
+
+_Ly_. Then you have seen the _Aphrodite_, of course?
+
+_Poly_. That masterpiece of Praxiteles's art! I have.
+
+_Ly_. And heard the story they tell there,--of the man who
+fell in love with the statue, and contrived to get shut into the
+temple alone, and there enjoyed such favours as a statue is able to
+bestow.--But that is neither here nor there.--You have seen the
+Cnidian _Aphrodite_, anyhow; now I want to know whether you
+have also seen our own _Aphrodite of the Gardens_,--the Alcamenes.
+
+_Poly_. I must be a dullard of dullards, if that most
+exquisite of Alcamenes's works had escaped my notice.
+
+_Ly_. I forbear to ask whether in the course of your many
+visits to the Acropolis you ever observed the _Sosandra_ of
+Calamis. [Footnote: This statue is usually identified with one of
+Aphrodite by the same sculptor, mentioned in Pausanias. Soteira
+('saviour') is known as an epithet of Aphrodite: but Sosandra
+('man-saving') is explained as a nickname of the particular statue,
+in playful allusion to Callias, the donor, who was apparently
+indebted to Aphrodite for his success with a certain Elpinice.]
+
+_Poly_. Frequently.
+
+_Ly_. That is really enough for my purpose. But I should just
+like to know what you consider to be Phidias's best work.
+
+_Poly_. Can you ask?--The Lemnian _Athene_, which bears
+the artist's own signature; oh, and of course the _Amazon_
+leaning on her spear.
+
+_Ly_. I approve your judgement. We shall have no need of other
+artists: I am now to cull from each of these its own peculiar
+beauty, and combine all in a single portrait.
+
+_Poly_. And how are you going to do that?
+
+_Ly_. It is quite simple. All we have to do is to hand over
+our several types to Reason, whose care it must be to unite them in
+the most harmonious fashion, with due regard to the consistency, as
+to the variety, of the result.
+
+_Poly_. To be sure; let Reason take her materials and begin.
+What will she make of it, I wonder? Will she contrive to put all
+these different types together without their clashing?
+
+_Ly_. Well, look; she is at work already. Observe her procedure.
+She begins with our Cnidian importation, from which she takes only
+the head; with the rest she is not concerned, as the statue is
+nude. The hair, the forehead, the exquisite eyebrows, she will keep
+as Praxiteles has rendered them; the eyes, too, those soft, yet
+bright-glancing eyes, she leaves unaltered. But the cheeks and the
+front of the face are taken from the 'Garden' Goddess; and so are
+the lines of the hands, the shapely wrists, the delicately-tapering
+fingers. Phidias and the Lemnian _Athene_ will give the outline of
+the face, and the well-proportioned nose, and lend new softness to
+the cheeks; and the same artist may shape her neck and closed lips,
+to resemble those of his _Amazon_. Calamis adorns her with
+Sosandra's modesty, Sosandra's grave half- smile; the decent seemly
+dress is Sosandra's too, save that the head must not be veiled. For
+her stature, let it be that of Cnidian _Aphrodite_; once more we
+have recourse to Praxiteles.--What think you, Polystratus? Is it a
+lovely portrait?
+
+_Poly_. Assuredly it will be, when it is perfected. At present, my
+paragon of sculptors, one element of loveliness has escaped your
+comprehensive grasp.
+
+_Ly_. What is that?
+
+_Poly_. A most important one. You will agree with me that
+colour and tone have a good deal to do with beauty? that black
+should _be_ black, white be white, and red play its blushing
+part? It looks to me as if the most important thing of all were
+still lacking.
+
+_Ly_. Well, how shall we manage? Call in the painters, perhaps,
+selecting those who were noted for their skill in mixing and laying
+on their colours? Be it so: we will have Polygnotus, Euphranor of
+course, Apelles and Aetion; they can divide the work between them.
+Euphranor shall colour the hair like his _Hera's_; Polygnotus the
+comely brow and faintly blushing cheek, after his _Cassandra_ in
+the Assembly-room at Delphi. Polygnotus shall also paint her
+robe,--of the finest texture, part duly gathered in, but most of it
+floating in the breeze. For the flesh-tints, which must be neither
+too pale nor too high-coloured, Apelles shall copy his own
+_Campaspe_. And lastly, Aetion shall give her _Roxana's_ lips. Nay,
+we can do better: have we not Homer, best of painters, though a
+Euphranor and an Apelles be present? Let him colour all like the
+limbs of Menelaus, which he says were 'ivory tinged with red.' He
+too shall paint her calm 'ox- eyes,' and the Theban poet shall help
+him to give them their 'violet' hue. Homer shall add her smile, her
+white arms, her rosy finger-tips, and so complete the resemblance
+to golden Aphrodite, to whom he has compared Brises' daughter with
+far less reason. So far we may trust our sculptors and painters and
+poets: but for her crowning glory, for the grace--nay, the choir of
+Graces and Loves that encircle her--who shall portray them?
+
+_Poly_. This was no earthly vision, Lycinus; surely she must
+have dropped from the clouds.--And what was she doing?
+
+_Ly_. In her hands was an open scroll; half read (so I surmised)
+and half to be read. As she passed, she was making some remark to
+one of her company; what it was I did not catch. But when she
+smiled, ah! then, Polystratus, I beheld teeth whose whiteness,
+whose unbroken regularity, who shall describe? Imagine a lovely
+necklace of gleaming pearls, all of a size; and imagine those
+dazzling rows set off by ruby lips. In that glimpse, I realized
+what Homer meant by his 'carven ivory.' Other women's teeth differ
+in size; or they project; or there are gaps: here, all was equality
+and evenness; pearl joined to pearl in unbroken line. Oh, 'twas a
+wondrous sight, of beauty more than human.
+
+_Poly_. Stay. I know now whom you mean, as well from your
+description as from her nationality. You said that there were
+eunuchs in her train?
+
+_Ly_. Yes; and soldiers too.
+
+_Poly_. My simple friend, the lady you have been describing is
+a celebrity, and possesses the affections of an Emperor.
+
+_Ly_. And her name?
+
+_Poly_. Adds one more to the list of her charms; for it is the
+same as that of Abradatas's wife. [Footnote: See _Panthea_ in
+Notes.] You know Xenophon's enthusiastic account of that beautiful
+and virtuous woman?--you have read it a dozen times.
+
+_Ly_. Yes; and every time I read it, it is as if she stood
+before me. I almost hear her uttering the words the historian has
+put into her mouth, and see her arming her husband and sending him
+forth to battle.
+
+_Poly_. Ah, my dear Lycinus, _this_ lady has passed you
+but once, like a lightning flash; and your praises, I perceive, are
+all for those external charms that strike the eye. You are yet a
+stranger to her nobility of soul; you know not that higher, more
+god-like beauty. _I_ am her fellow-countryman, I know her, and
+have conversed with her many times. You are aware that gentleness,
+humanity, magnanimity, modesty, culture, are things that I prize
+more than beauty-and rightly; to do otherwise would be as absurd as
+to value raiment above the body. Where physical perfection goes
+hand-in-hand with spiritual excellence, there alone (as I maintain)
+is true beauty. I could show you many a woman whose outward
+loveliness is marred by what is within; who has but to open her
+lips, and beauty stands confessed a faded, withered thing, the
+mean, unlovely handmaid of that odious mistress, her soul. Such
+women are like Egyptian temples: the shrine is fair and stately,
+wrought of costly marble, decked out with gilding and painting: but
+seek the God within, and you find an ape--an ibis--a goat--a cat.
+Of how many women is the same thing true! Beauty unadorned is not
+enough: and her true adornments are not purple and jewels, but
+those others that I have mentioned, modesty, courtesy, humanity,
+virtue and all that waits on virtue.
+
+_Ly_. Why then, Polystratus, you shall give me story for story,
+good measure, shaken together, out of your abundance: paint me the
+portrait of her soul, that I may be no more her half-admirer.
+
+_Poly_. This will be no light task, my friend. It is one thing
+to commend what all the world can see, and quite another to reveal
+what is hidden. I too shall want help with my portrait. Nor will
+sculptors and painters suffice me: I must have philosophers; it is
+by their canons that I must adjust the proportions of the figure,
+if I am to attain to the perfection of ancient models.
+
+To begin then. Of her clear, liquid voice Homer might have said,
+with far more truth than of aged Nestor's, that
+
+  honey from those lips distilled.
+
+The pitch, exquisitely soft, as far removed from masculine bass as
+from ultra-feminine treble, is that of a boy before his voice
+breaks; sweet, seductive, suavely penetrating; it ceases, and still
+vibrating murmurs play, echo-like, about the listener's ears, and
+Persuasion leaves her honeyed track upon his mind. But oh! the joy,
+to hear her sing, and sing to the lyre's accompaniment. Let swans
+and halcyons and cicalas then be mute. There is no music like hers;
+Philomela's self, 'full-throated songstress' though she be, is all
+unskilled beside her. Methinks Orpheus and Amphion, whose spell
+drew even lifeless things to hear them, would have dropped their
+lyres and stood listening in silence to that voice. What should
+Thracian Orpheus, what should Amphion, whose days upon Cithaeron
+were divided betwixt his lyre and his herd,--what should they know
+of true concord, of accurate rhythm, of accentuation and time, of
+the harmonious adaptation of lyre and voice, of easy and graceful
+execution? Yes; once hear her sing, Lycinus, and you will know
+something of Sirens as well as of Gorgons: you have experienced
+petrifaction; you will next learn what it is to stand entranced,
+forgetting country and kindred. Wax will not avail you: her song
+will penetrate through all; for therein is every grace that
+Terpsichore, Melpomene, Calliope herself, could inspire. In a word,
+imagine that you hear such notes as should issue from those lips,
+those teeth that you have seen. Her perfect intonation, her pure
+Ionic accent, her ready Attic eloquence, need not surprise you;
+these are her birthright; for is not Smyrna Athens' daughter? And
+what more natural than that she should love poetry, and make it her
+chief study? Homer is her fellow citizen.--There you have my first
+portrait; the portrait of a sweet-voiced songstress, though it
+fall far short of its original. And now for others. For I do not
+propose to make one of many, as you did. I aim higher: the complex
+picture of so many beauties wrought into one, however artful be the
+composition, cannot escape inconsistency: with me, each separate
+virtue of her soul shall sit for its own portrait.
+
+_Ly_. What a banquet awaits me! Here, assuredly, is good
+measure. Mete it out; I ask for nothing better.
+
+_Poly_. I proceed then to the delineation of Culture, the
+confessed mistress of all mental excellences, particularly of all
+acquired ones: I must render her features in all their manifold
+variety; not even here shall my portraiture be inferior to your
+own. I paint her, then, with every grace that Helicon can give.
+Each of the Muses has but her single accomplishment, be it tragedy
+or history or hymn: all these Culture shall have, and with them the
+gifts of Hermes and of Apollo. The poet's graceful numbers, the
+orator's persuasive power, the historian's learning, the sage's
+counsel, all these shall be her adornments; the colours shall be
+imperishable, and laid on with no niggardly brush. It is not my
+fault, if I am unable to point to any classical model for the
+portrait: the records of antiquity afford no precedent for a
+culture so highly developed.--May I hang this beside the other? I
+think it is a passable likeness.
+
+_Ly_. Passable! My dear Polystratus, it is sublime;
+exquisitely finished in every line.
+
+_Poly_. Next I have to depict Wisdom; and here I shall have
+occasion for many models, most of them ancient; one comes, like the
+lady herself, from Ionia. The artists shall be Aeschines and
+Socrates his master, most realistic of painters, for their heart
+was in their work. We could choose no better model of wisdom than
+Milesian Aspasia, the admired of the admirable 'Olympian' [Footnote:
+See _Pericles_ in Notes.]; her political knowledge and insight,
+her shrewdness and penetration, shall all be transferred to our
+canvas in their perfect measure. Aspasia, however, is only
+preserved to us in miniature: _our_ proportions must be those
+of a colossus.
+
+_Ly_. Explain.
+
+_Poly_. The portraits will be alike, but not on the same
+scale. There is a difference between the little republic of ancient
+Athens, and the Roman Empire of to-day; and there will be the same
+difference in _scale_ (however close the resemblance in other
+respects) between our huge canvas and that miniature. A second and
+a third model may be found in Theano, and in the poetess of Lesbos;
+nay, we may add Diotima too. Theano shall give grandeur to the
+picture, Sappho elegance; and Diotima shall be represented as well
+by her wisdom and sagacity, as by the qualities for which Socrates
+commended her. The portrait is complete. Let it be hung.
+
+_Ly_. 'Tis a fine piece of work. Proceed.
+
+_Poly_. Courtesy, benevolence: that is now my subject. I have
+to show forth her gentle disposition, her graciousness to
+suppliants. She shall appear in the likeness of Theano--Antenor's
+Theano this time--, of Arete and her daughter Nausicaa, and of
+every other who in her high station has borne herself with
+constancy. Next comes constancy of another kind,--constancy in
+love; its original, the daughter of Icarius, 'constant' and 'wise,'
+as Homer draws her; am I doing more than justice to his Penelope?
+And there is another: our lady's namesake, Abradatas's wife; of her
+we have already spoken.
+
+_Ly_. Once more, noble work, Polystratus. And now your task
+must be drawing to a close: here is a whole soul depicted; its
+every virtue praised.
+
+_Poly_. Not yet: the highest praise remains. Born to magnificence,
+she clothes not herself in the pride of wealth; listens not to
+Fortune's flattering tale, who tells her she is more than human;
+but walks upon the common ground, far removed from all thought of
+arrogance and ostentation. Every man is her equal; her greeting,
+her smile are for all who approach her; and how acceptable is the
+kindness of a superior, when it is free from every touch of
+condescension! When the power of the great turns not to insolence
+but to beneficence, we feel that Fortune has bestowed her gifts
+aright. Here alone Envy has no place. For how should one man grudge
+another his prosperity when he sees him using it with moderation,
+not, like the Homeric Ate, an oppressor of the weak, trampling on
+men's necks? It is otherwise with those meaner souls--victims of
+their own ignoble vanity--, who, when Fortune has raised them
+suddenly beyond their hopes into her winged aerial car, know no
+rest, can never look behind them, but must ever press upwards. To
+such the end soon comes: Icarus-like, with melted wax and moulting
+feathers, they fall headlong into the billows, a derision to
+mankind. The Daedaluses use their waxen wings with moderation: they
+are but men; they husband their strength accordingly, and are
+content to fly a little higher than the waves,--so little that the
+sun never finds them dry; and that prudence is their salvation.
+
+Therein lies this lady's highest praise. She has her reward: all
+men pray that her wings may never droop, and that blessings may
+increase upon her.
+
+_Ly_. And may the prayer be granted! She deserves every
+blessing: she is not outwardly fair alone, like Helen, but has a
+soul within more fair, more lovely than her body. It is a fitting
+crown to the happiness of our benevolent and gracious Emperor, that
+in his day such a woman should be born; should be his, and her
+affections his. It is blessedness indeed, to possess one of whom we
+may say with Homer that she contends with golden Aphrodite in
+beauty, and in works is the equal of Athene. Who of womankind shall
+be compared to her
+
+  In comeliness, in wit, in goodly works?
+
+_Poly_. Who indeed?--Lycinus, I have a proposal to make. Let
+us combine our portraits, yours of the body and mine of the soul,
+and throw them into a literary form, for the enjoyment of our
+generation and of all posterity. Such a work will be more enduring
+than those of Apelles and Parrhasius and Polygnotus; it will be far
+removed from creations of wood and wax and colour, being inspired
+by the Muses, in whom alone is that true portraiture that shows
+forth in one likeness a lovely body and a virtuous soul.
+
+
+
+
+DEFENCE OF THE 'PORTRAIT-STUDY'
+
+_Polystratus_. _Lycinus_
+
+
+_Poly_. Well, here is the lady's comment. _Your pages are most kind
+and complimentary, I am sure, Lycinus. No one would have so
+over-praised me who had not felt kindly towards me. But if you
+would know my real feeling, here it is. I never do much like the
+complaisant; they always strike me as insincere and wanting in
+frankness. But when it comes to a set panegyric, in which my much
+magnified virtues are painted in glaring colours, I blush and would
+fain stop my ears, and feel that I am rather being made fun of than
+commended.
+
+Praise is tolerable up to the point at which the object of it can
+still believe in the existence of the qualities attributed to him;
+pass that point, and he is revolted and finds the flatterer out. Of
+course I know there are plenty of people who are glad enough to
+have non-existent qualities added to their praises; who do not mind
+being called young and lusty in their decline, or Nireuses and
+Phaons though they are hideous; who, Pelias-like, expect praise to
+metamorphose or rejuvenate them.
+
+But they are mistaken. Praise would indeed be a most precious
+commodity if there were any way of converting its extravagances
+into solid fact. But there being none, they can only be compared to
+an ugly man on whom one should clap a beautiful mask, and who
+should then be proud of those looks that any one could take from
+him and break to pieces; revealed in his true likeness, he would be
+only the more ridiculous for the contrast between casket and
+treasure. Or, if you will, imagine a little man on stilts measuring
+heights with people who have eighteen inches the better of him in
+stocking feet_.
+
+And then she told this story. There was a noble lady, fair and
+comely in all respects except that she was short and ill-proportioned.
+A poet wrote an ode in her honour, and included among her beauties
+that of tallness; her slender height was illustrated from the poplar.
+She was in ecstasies, as though the verses were making her grow, and
+kept waving her hand. Which the poet seeing, and realizing her
+appetite for praise, recited the lines again and again, till at last
+one of the company whispered in his ear, 'Stop, my good man; you will
+be making her get up.'
+
+She added a similar but still more absurd anecdote of Stratonice
+the wife of Seleucus, who offered a talent to the poet who should
+best celebrate her hair. As a matter of fact she was bald, with not
+a hair to call her own. But what matter what her head was like, or
+that every one knew how a long illness had treated her? she
+listened to these abandoned poets telling of hyacinthine locks,
+plaiting thick tresses, and making imaginary curls as crisp as
+parsley.
+
+All such surrenders to flattery were laughed to scorn, with the
+addition that many people were just as fond of being flattered and
+fooled by portrait-painters as these by verbal artists. _What
+these people look for in a painter_ (she said) _is readiness
+to improve nature: Some of them insist upon the artist's taking a
+little off their noses, deepening the shade of their eyes, or
+otherwise idealizing them to order; it quite escapes them that the
+garlands they afterwards put on the picture are offered to another
+person who bears no relation to themselves_.
+
+And so she went on, finding much in your composition to approve,
+but displeased in particular with your likening her to Hera and
+Aphrodite. _Such comparisons are far too high for me_, she
+said, _or indeed for any of womankind. Why, I would not have had
+you put me on a level with women of the Heroic Age, with a
+Penelope, an Arete, a Theano; how much less with the chief of the
+Goddesses. Where the Gods are concerned_ (she continued; and
+mark her here), _I am very apprehensive and timid. I fear that to
+accept a panegyric like this would be to make a Cassiopeia of
+myself; though indeed_ she _only challenged the Nereids, and
+stopped short of Hera and Aphrodite_.
+
+So, Lycinus, she insisted that you must recast all this; otherwise
+she must call the Goddesses to witness that you had written against
+her wishes, and leave you to the knowledge that the piece would be
+an annoyance to her, if it circulated in its present shape, so
+lacking in reverence and piety. The outrage on reverence would be
+put down to her, if she allowed herself to be likened to her of
+Cnidus and her of the Garden. She would have you bear in mind the
+close of your discourse, where you spoke of the unassuming modesty
+that attempted no superhuman flights, but kept near the earth. It
+was inconsistent with that to take the same woman up to heaven and
+compare her with Goddesses.
+
+She would like to be allowed as much sense as Alexander; he, when
+his architect proposed to transform Mount Athos into a vast image
+of the King with a pair of cities in his hands, shrank from the
+grandiose proposal; such presumption was beyond him; such patent
+megalomania must be suppressed; leave Athos alone, he said, and do
+not degrade a mighty mountain to the similitude of a poor human
+body. This only showed the greatness of Alexander, and itself
+constituted in the eyes of all future generations a monument higher
+than any Athos; to be able to scorn so extraordinary an honour was
+itself magnanimity.
+
+So she commends your work of art, and your selective method, but
+cannot recognize the likeness. She does not come up to the
+description, nor near it, for indeed no woman could. Accordingly
+she sends you back your laudation, and pays homage to the originals
+from which you drew it. Confine your praises within the limits of
+humanity; if the shoe is too big, it may chance to trip her up.
+Then there was another point which I was to impress upon you.
+
+_I often hear_, she said,--_but whether it is true, you men
+know better than I--that at Olympia the victors are not allowed to
+have their statues set up larger than life; the Stewards see to it
+that no one transgresses this rule, examining the statues even more
+scrupulously than they did the competitor's qualification. Take
+care that we do not get convicted of false proportions, and find
+our statue thrown down by the Stewards_.
+
+And now I have given you her message. It is for you, Lycinus, to
+overhaul your work, and by removing these blemishes avoid the
+offence. They shocked and made her nervous as I read; she kept on
+addressing the Goddesses in propitiatory words; and such feelings
+may surely be permitted to her sex. For that matter, to be quite
+frank, I shared them to some extent. At the first hearing I found
+no offence; but as soon as she put her finger on the fault, I began
+to agree. You know what happens with visible objects; if we look at
+them at close quarters, just under our eyes, I mean, we distinguish
+nothing clearly; but stepping back to the right distance, we get a
+clear conception of what is right and what is wrong about them.
+That was my experience here.
+
+After all, to compare a mortal to Hera and Aphrodite is cheapening
+the Goddesses, and nothing else. In such comparisons the small is
+not so much magnified as the great is diminished and reduced. If a
+giant and a dwarf were walking together, and their heights had to
+be equalized, no efforts of the dwarf could effect it, however much
+he stood on tiptoe; the giant must stoop and make himself out
+shorter than he is. So in this sort of portraiture: the human is
+not so much exalted by the similitude as the divine is belittled
+and pulled down. If indeed a lack of earthly beauties forced the
+artist upon scaling Heaven, he might perhaps be acquitted of
+blasphemy; but your enterprise was so needless; why Aphrodite and
+Hera, when you have all mortal beauty to choose from?
+
+Prune and chasten, then, Lycinus. All this is not quite like you,
+who never used to be over-ready with your commendation; you seem to
+have gone now to the opposite extreme of prodigality, and developed
+from a niggard into a spendthrift of praise. Do not be ashamed to
+make alterations in what you have already published, either. They
+say Phidias did as much after finishing his Olympian Zeus. He stood
+behind the doors when he had opened them for the first time to let
+the work be seen, and listened to the comments favourable or the
+reverse. One found the nose too broad, another the face too long,
+and so on. When the company was gone, he shut himself up again to
+correct and adapt his statue to the prevailing taste. Advice so
+many-headed was not to be despised; the many must after all see
+further than the one, though that one be Phidias. There is the
+counsel of a friend and well-wisher to back up the lady's message.
+
+_Ly_. Why, Polystratus, I never knew what an orator you were.
+After that eloquent close-packed indictment of my booklet, I almost
+despair of the defence. You and she were not quite judicial,
+though; you less than she, in condemning the accused when its
+counsel was not in court. It is always easy to win a walk-over,
+you know; so no wonder we were convicted, not being allowed to
+speak or given the ear of the court. But, still more monstrous, you
+were accusers and jury at once. Well, what am I to do? accept the
+verdict and hold my tongue? pen a palinode like Stesichorus? or
+will you grant an appeal?
+
+_Poly_. Surely, if you have anything to say for yourself. For
+you will be heard not by opponents, as you say, but by friends.
+Indeed, my place is with you in the dock.
+
+_Ly_. How I wish I could, have spoken in her own presence!
+that would have been far better; but I must do it by proxy.
+However, if you will report me to her as well as you did her to me,
+I will adventure.
+
+_Poly_. Trust me to do justice to the defence; but put it
+shortly, in mercy to my memory.
+
+_Ly_. So severe an indictment should by rights be met at
+length; but for your sake I will cut it short. Put these
+considerations before her from me, then.
+
+_Poly_. No, not that way, please. Make your speech, just as
+though she were listening, and I will reproduce you to her.
+
+_Ly_. Very well, then. She is here; she has just delivered the
+oration which you have described to me; it is now counsel's turn.
+And yet--I must confide my feelings to you--you have made my
+undertaking somehow more formidable; you see the beads gather on my
+brow; my courage goes; I seem to see her there; my situation
+bewilders me. Yet begin I will; how can I draw back when she is
+there?
+
+_Poly_. Ah, but her face promises a kindly hearing; see how
+bright and gracious. Pluck up heart, man, and begin.
+
+_Ly_. Most noble lady, in what you term the great and excessive
+praise that I bestowed upon you, I find no such high testimony to
+your merits as that which you have borne yourself by your surprise
+at the attribution of divinity. That one thing surpasses all that I
+have said of you, and my only excuse for not having added this
+trait to my portrait is that I was not aware of it; if I had been,
+no other should have had precedence of it. In this light I find
+myself, far from exaggerating, to have fallen much short of the
+truth. Consider the magnitude of this omission, the convincing
+demonstration of a sterling character and a right disposition which
+I lost; for those will be the best in human relations who are most
+earnest in their dealings with the divine. Why, were it decided
+that I must correct my words and retouch my statue, I should do it
+not by presuming to take away from it, but by adding this as its
+crowning grace. But from another point of view I have a great debt
+of gratitude to acknowledge. I commend your natural modesty, and
+your freedom from that vanity and pride which so exalted a position
+as yours might excuse. The best witness to my correctness is just
+the exception that you have taken to my words. That instead of
+receiving the praise I offered as your right you should be
+disturbed at it and call it excessive, is the proof of your
+unassuming modesty. Nevertheless, the more you reveal that this is
+your view of praise, the stronger proof you give of your own
+worthiness to be praised. You are an exact illustration of what
+Diogenes said when some one asked him how he might become famous:--
+'by despising fame.' So if I were asked who most deserve praise, I
+should answer, Those who refuse it.
+
+But I am perhaps straying from the point. What I have to defend is
+the having likened you, in giving your outward form, to the Cnidian
+and the Garden _Aphrodite_, to _Hera_ and _Athene_; such
+comparisons you find out of all proportion. I will deal directly
+with them, then. It has indeed been said long ago that poets and
+painters are irresponsible; that is still more true, I conceive, of
+panegyrists, even humble prose ones like myself who are not run
+away with by their metre. Panegyric is a chartered thing, with no
+standard quantitative measure to which it must conform; its one and
+only aim is to express deep admiration and set its object in the
+most enviable light. However, I do not intend to take that line of
+defence; you might think I did so because I had no other open.
+
+But I have. I refer you to the proper formula of panegyric, which
+requires the author to introduce illustrations, and depends mainly
+on their goodness for success. Now this goodness is shown not when
+the illustration is just like the thing illustrated, nor yet when
+it is inferior, but when it is as high above it as may be. If in
+praising a dog one should remark that it was bigger than a fox or a
+cat, would you regard him as a skilful panegyrist? certainly not.
+Or if he calls it the equal of a wolf, he has not made very much of
+it so either. Where is the right thing to be found? why, in
+likening the dog's size and spirit to the lion's. So the poet who
+would praise Orion's dog called it the lion-queller. There you have
+the perfect panegyric of the dog. Or take Milo of Croton, Glaucus
+of Carystus, or Polydamas; to say of them by way of panegyric that
+each of them was stronger than a woman would be to make oneself a
+laughing-stock; one man instead of the woman would not much mend
+matters. But what, pray, does a famous poet make of Glaucus?--
+
+  To match those hands not e'en the might
+   Of Pollux' self had dared;
+  Alcmena's son, that iron wight,
+   Had shrunk--
+
+See what Gods he equals him to, or rather what Gods he puts him
+above. And Glaucus took no exception to being praised at the
+expense of his art's patron deities; nor yet did they send any
+judgement on athlete or poet for irreverence; both continued to be
+honoured in Greece, one for his might, and the other for this even
+more than for his other odes. Do not be surprised, then, that when
+I wished to conform to the canons of my art and find an
+illustration, I took an exalted one, as reason was that I should.
+
+You used the word flattery. To dislike those who practise it is
+only what you should do, and I honour you for it. But I would have
+you distinguish between panegyric proper and the flatterer's
+exaggeration of it. The flatterer praises for selfish ends,
+cares little for truth, and makes it his business to magnify
+indiscriminately; most of his effects consist in lying additions of
+his own; he thinks nothing of making Thersites handsomer than
+Achilles, or telling Nestor he is younger than any of the host; he
+will swear Croesus's son hears better than Melampus, and give
+Phineus better sight than Lynceus, if he sees his way to a profit
+on the lie. But the panegyrist pure and simple, instead of lying
+outright, or inventing a quality that does not exist, takes the
+virtues his subject really does possess, though possibly not in
+large measure, and makes the most of them. The horse is really
+distinguished among the animals we know for light-footed speed;
+well, in praising a horse, he will hazard:
+
+  The corn-stalks brake not 'neath his airy tread.
+
+He will not be frightened of 'whirlwind-footed steeds.' If his
+theme is a noble house, with everything handsome about it,
+
+  Zeus on Olympus dwells in such a home,
+
+we shall be told. But your flatterer would use that line about the
+swineherd's hovel, if he saw a chance of getting anything out of
+the swineherd. Demetrius Poliorcetes had a flatterer called
+Cynaethus who, when he was gravelled for lack of matter, found some
+in a cough that troubled his patron--he cleared his throat so
+musically!
+
+There you have one criterion: flatterers do not draw the line at a
+lie if it will please their patrons; panegyrists aim merely at
+bringing into relief what really exists. But there is another great
+difference: the flatterers exaggerate as much as ever they can; the
+panegyrists in the midst of exaggeration observe the limitations of
+decency. And now that you have one or two of the many tests for
+flattery and panegyric proper, I hope you will not treat all praise
+as suspect, but make distinctions and assign each specimen to its
+true class.
+
+By your leave I will proceed to apply the two definitions to what I
+wrote; which of them fits it? If it had been an ugly woman that I
+likened to the Cnidian statue, I should deserve to be thought a
+toady, further gone in flattery than Cynaethus. But as it was one
+for whose charms I can call all men to witness, my shot was not so
+far out.
+
+Now you will perhaps say--nay, you have said already--Praise my
+beauty, if you will; but the praise should not have been of that
+invidious kind which compares a woman to Goddesses. Well, I will
+keep truth at arm's length no longer; I did _not_, dear lady,
+compare you to Goddesses, but to the handiwork in marble and bronze
+and ivory of certain good artists. There is no impiety, surely, in
+illustrating mortal beauty by the work of mortal hands--unless you
+take the thing that Phidias fashioned to be indeed Athene, or
+Praxiteles's not much later work at Cnidus to be the heavenly
+Aphrodite. But would that be quite a worthy conception of divine
+beings? I take the real presentment of them to be beyond the reach
+of human imitation.
+
+But granting even that it had been the actual Goddesses to whom I
+likened you, it would be no new track, of which I had been the
+pioneer; it had been trodden before by many a great poet, most of
+all by your fellow citizen Homer, who will kindly now come and
+share my defence, on pain of sharing my sentence. I will ask him,
+then--or rather you for him; for it is one of your merits to have
+all his finest passages by heart--what think you, then, of his
+saying about the captive Briseis that in her mourning for Patroclus
+she was 'Golden Aphrodite's peer'? A little further on, Aphrodite
+alone not meeting the case, it is:
+
+  So spake that weeping dame, a match for Goddesses.
+
+When he talks like that, do you take offence and fling the book
+away, or has _he_ your licence to expatiate in panegyric?
+Whether he has yours or not, he has that of all these centuries,
+wherein not a critic has found fault with him for it, not he
+that dared to scourge his statue [Footnote: Zoilus, called
+Homeromastix.], not he whose marginal pen [Footnote: Aristarclius.]
+bastarded so many of his verses. Now, shall he have leave to match
+with Golden Aphrodite a barbarian woman, and her in tears, while I,
+lest I should describe the beauty that you like not to hear of, am
+forbidden to compare certain images to a lady who is ever bright
+and smiling--that beauty which mortals share with Gods?
+
+When he had Agamemnon in hand, he was most chary of divine
+similitudes, to be sure! what economy and moderation in his use of
+them! Let us see--eyes and head from Zeus, belt from Ares, chest
+from Posidon; why, he deals the man out piecemeal among the host of
+Heaven. Elsewhere, Agamemnon is 'like baleful Ares'; others have
+their heavenly models; Priam's son (a Phrygian, mark) is 'of form
+divine,' the son of Peleus is again and again 'a match for Gods.'
+But let us come back to the feminine instances You remember, of
+course,
+
+  --a match
+  For Artemis or golden Aphrodite;
+
+and
+
+  Like Artemis adown the mountain slope.
+
+But he does not even limit himself to comparing the whole man to a
+God; Euphorbus's mere hair is called like the Graces--when it is
+dabbled with blood, too. In fact the practice is so universal that
+no branch of poetry can do without its ornaments from Heaven.
+Either let all these be blotted, or let me have the same licence.
+Moreover, illustration is so irresponsible that Homer allows
+himself to convey his compliments to Goddesses by using creatures
+inferior to them. Hera is ox-eyed. Another poet colours Aphrodite's
+eyes from the violet. As for fingers like the rose, it takes but
+little of Homer's society to bring us acquainted with them.
+
+Still, so far we do not get beyond mere looks; a man is only called
+_like_ a God. But think of the wholesale adaptation of their
+names, by Dionysiuses, Hephaestions, Zenos, Posidoniuses,
+Hermaeuses. Leto, wife of Evagoras, King of Cyprus, even dispensed
+with adaptation; but her divine namesake, who could have turned her
+into stone like Niobe, took no offence. What need to mention that
+the most religious race on earth, the Egyptian, never tires of
+divine names? most of those it uses hail from Heaven.
+
+Consequently, there is not the smallest occasion for you to be
+nervous about the panegyric. If what I wrote contains anything
+offensive to the deity, you are not responsible, unless you
+consider we are responsible for all that goes in at our ears; no, I
+shall pay the penalty--as soon as the Gods have settled with Homer
+and the other poets. Ah, and they have not done so yet with the
+best of all philosophers [Footnote: Lucian's 'best of all
+philosophers' might be Plato, who is their spokesman in 'The
+Fisher' (see Sections 14, 22), or Epicurus, in the light of two
+passages in the 'Alexander' (Sections 47, 61) in which he almost
+declares himself an Epicurean. The exact words are not found in
+Plato, though several similar expressions are quoted; words of
+Epicurus appear to be translated in Cicero, _De nat. Deorum_,
+Book I, xviii s. f., hominis esse specie deos confitendum est: we
+must admit that the Gods are in the image of man.], for saying that
+man is a likeness of God. But now, though I could say much more,
+madam, I must have compassion upon Polystratus's memory, and cease.
+
+_Poly_. I am not so sure I am equal to it, Lycinus, as it is.
+You have made it long, and exceeded your time limit. However, I
+will do my best. See, I scurry off with my fingers in my ears, that
+no alien sound may find its way in to disturb the arrangement; I do
+not want to be hissed by my audience.
+
+_Ly_. Well, the responsibility for a correct report lies with
+you alone. And having now duly instructed you, I will retire for
+the present. But when the verdict is brought into court, I will be
+there to learn the result.
+
+
+
+
+TOXARIS: A DIALOGUE OF FRIENDSHIP
+
+_Mnesippus_. _Toxaris_
+
+
+_Mne_. Now, Toxaris: do you mean to tell me that you people
+actually _sacrifice_ to Orestes and Pylades? do you take them
+for Gods?
+
+_Tox_. Sacrifice to them? of course we do. It does not follow
+that we think they are Gods: they were good men.
+
+_Mne_. And in Scythia 'good men' receive sacrifice just the
+same as Gods?
+
+_Tox_. Not only that, but we honour them with feasts and
+public gatherings.
+
+_Mne_. But what do you expect from them? They are shades now,
+so their goodwill can be no object.
+
+_Tox_. Why, as to that, I think it may be just as well to have
+a good understanding even with shades. But that is not all: in
+honouring the dead we consider that we are also doing the best we
+can for the living. Our idea is that by preserving the memory of
+the noblest of mankind, we induce many people to follow their
+example.
+
+_Mne_. Ah, there you are right. But what could you find to
+admire in Orestes and Pylades, that you should exalt them to
+godhead? They were strangers to you: strangers, did I say? they
+were enemies! Why, when they were shipwrecked on your coast, and
+your ancestors laid hands on them, and took them off to be
+sacrificed to Artemis, they assaulted the gaolers, overpowered the
+garrison, slew the king, carried off the priestess, laid impious
+hands on the Goddess herself, and so took ship, snapping their
+fingers at Scythia and her laws. If you honour men for this kind of
+thing, there will be plenty of people to follow their example, and
+you will have your hands full. You may judge for yourselves, from
+ancient precedent, whether it will suit you to have so many
+Oresteses and Pyladeses putting into your ports. It seems to me
+that it will soon end in your having no religion left at all: God
+after God will be expatriated in the same manner, and then I
+suppose you will supply their place by deifying their kidnappers,
+thus rewarding sacrilege with sacrifice. If this is not your motive
+in honouring Orestes and Pylades, I shall be glad to know what
+other service they have rendered you, that you should change your
+minds about them, and admit them to divine honours. Your ancestors
+did their best to offer them up to Artemis: you offer up victims to
+them. It seems an absurd inconsistency.
+
+_Tox_. Now, in the first place, the incident you refer to is
+very much to their credit. Think of those two entering on that vast
+undertaking by themselves: sailing away from their country to the
+distant Euxine [Footnote: See _Euxine_ in Notes.]--that sea
+unknown in those days to the Greeks, or known only to the
+Argonauts--unmoved by the stories they heard of it, undeterred by
+the inhospitable name it then bore, which I suppose referred to the
+savage nations that dwelt upon its shores; think of their
+courageous bearing after they were captured; how escape alone would
+not serve them, but they must avenge their wrong upon the king, and
+carry Artemis away over the seas. Are not these admirable deeds,
+and shall not the doers be counted as Gods by all who esteem
+prowess? However, this is not our motive in giving them divine
+honours.
+
+_Mne_. Proceed. What else of godlike and sublime was in their
+conduct? Because from the seafaring point of view, there are any
+number of merchants whose divinity I will maintain against theirs:
+the Phoenicians, in particular, have sailed to every port in Greek
+and foreign waters, let alone the Euxine, the Maeotian Lake and the
+Bosphorus; year after year they explore every coast, only returning
+home at the approach of winter. Hucksters though they be for the
+most part, and fishmongers, you must deify them all, to be
+consistent.
+
+_Tox_. Now, now, Mnesippus, listen to me, and you shall see
+how much more candid we barbarians are in our valuation of good men
+than you Greeks. In Argos and Mycenae there is not so much as a
+respectable tomb raised to Orestes and Pylades: in Scythia, they
+have their temple, which is very appropriately dedicated to the two
+friends in common, their sacrifices, and every honour. The fact of
+their being foreigners does not prevent us from recognizing their
+virtues. We do not inquire into the nationality of noble souls: we
+can hear without envy of the illustrious deeds of our enemies; we
+do justice to their merits, and count them Scythians in deed if not
+in name. What particularly excites our reverent admiration in the
+present case is the unparalleled loyalty of the two friends; in
+them we have a model from which every man may learn how he must
+share good and evil fortune with his friends, if he would enjoy the
+esteem of all good Scythians. The sufferings they endured with and
+for one another our ancestors recorded on a brazen pillar in the
+Oresteum; and they made it law, that the education of their
+children should begin with committing to memory all that is
+inscribed thereon. More easily shall a child forget his own
+father's name than be at fault in the achievements of Orestes and
+Pylades. Again, in the temple corridor are pictures by the artists
+of old, illustrating the story set forth on the pillar. Orestes is
+first shown on shipboard, with his friend at his side. Next, the
+ship has gone to pieces on the rocks; Orestes is captured and
+bound; already Iphigenia prepares the two victims for sacrifice.
+But on the opposite wall we see that Orestes has broken free;
+he slays Thoas and many a Scythian; and the last scene shows
+them sailing away, with Iphigenia and the Goddess; the Scythians
+clutch vainly at the receding vessel; they cling to the rudder,
+they strive to clamber on board; at last, utterly baffled,
+they swim back to the shore, wounded or terrified. It is at this
+point in their conflict with the Scythians that the devotion of the
+friends is best illustrated: the painter makes each of them
+disregard his own enemies, and ward off his friend's assailants,
+seeking to intercept the arrows before they can reach him, and
+counting lightly of death, if he can save his friend, and receive in
+his own person the wounds that are meant for the other. Such
+devotion, such loyal and loving partnership in danger, such true and
+steadfast affection, we held to be more than human; it indicated a
+spirit not to be found in common men. While the gale is prosperous,
+we all take it very much amiss if our friends will not share equally
+with us: but let the wind shift ever so little, and we leave them to
+weather the storm by themselves. I must tell you that in Scythia no
+quality is more highly esteemed than this of friendship; there is
+nothing on which a Scythian prides himself so much as on sharing the
+toils and dangers of his friend; just as nothing is a greater
+reproach among us than treachery to a friend. We honour Orestes and
+Pylades, then, because they excelled in the Scythian virtue of
+loyalty, which we place above all others; and it is for this that we
+have bestowed on them the name of Coraci, which in our language
+means spirits of friendship.
+
+_Mne_. Ah, Toxaris, so archery is not the only accomplishment
+of the Scythians, I find; they excel in rhetorical as well as in
+military skill. You have persuaded me already that you were right in
+deifying Orestes and Pylades, though I thought differently just now.
+I had no conception, either, what a painter you were. Your
+description of the pictures in the Oresteum was most vivid;--that
+battle-scene, and the way in which the two intercepted one another's
+wounds. Only I should never have thought that the Scythians would
+set such a high value on friendship: they are such a wild,
+inhospitable race; I should have said they had more to do with anger
+and hatred and enmity than with friendship, even for their nearest
+relations, judging by what one is told; it is said, for instance,
+that they devour their fathers' corpses.
+
+_Tox_. Well, which of the two is the more dutiful and pious in
+general, Greek or Scythian, we will not discuss just now: but that
+we are more loyal friends than you, and that we treat friendship
+more seriously, is easily shown. Now please do not be angry with me,
+in the name of all your Gods: but I am going to mention a few points
+I have observed during my stay in this country. I can see that you
+are all admirably well qualified to talk about friendship: but
+when it comes to putting your words into practice, there is a
+considerable falling off; it is enough for you to have demonstrated
+what an excellent thing friendship is, and somehow or other, at the
+critical moment, you make off, and leave your fine words to look
+after themselves. Similarly, when your tragedians represent this
+subject on the stage, you are loud in your applause; the spectacle
+of one friend risking his life for another generally brings tears to
+your eyes: but you are quite incapable of rendering any such signal
+services yourselves; once let your friends get into difficulties,
+and all those tragic reminiscences take wing like so many dreams;
+you are then the very image of the silent mask which the actor has
+thrown aside: its mouth is open to its fullest extent, but not a
+syllable does it utter. It is the other way with us: we are as much
+superior to you in the practice of friendship, as we are inferior in
+expounding the theory of it.
+
+Now, what do you say to this proposal? let us leave out of the
+question all the cases of ancient friendship that either of us
+might enumerate (there you would have the advantage of me: you
+could produce all the poets on your side, most credible of
+witnesses, with their Achilles and Patroclus, their Theseus and
+Pirithous, and others, all celebrated in the most charming verses);
+and instead let each of us advance a few instances of devotion that
+have occurred within his own experience, among our respective
+countrymen; these we will relate in detail, and whoever can show
+the best friendships is the winner, and announces his country as
+victorious. Mighty issues are at stake: I for my part would rather
+be worsted in single combat, and lose my right hand, as the
+Scythian custom is, than yield to any man on the question of
+friendship, above all to a Greek; for am I not a Scythian?
+
+_Mne_. I have got my work cut out for me, if I am to engage an
+old soldier like Toxaris, with a whole arsenal of keen words at his
+command. Well, I am not such a craven as to decline the challenge,
+when my country's honour is at stake. Could those two overcome the
+host of Scythians represented in the legend, and in the ancient
+pictures you have just described so impressively,--and shall
+Greece, her peoples and her cities, be condemned for want of one to
+plead her cause? Strange indeed, if that were so; I should deserve
+to lose not my hand like you, but my tongue. Well now, is the
+number of friendships to be limited, or does wealth of instances
+itself constitute one claim to superiority?
+
+_Tox_. Oh no; number counts for nothing, that must be understood.
+We have the same number, and it is simply a question whether
+yours are better and more pointed than mine; if they are, of
+course, the wounds you inflict will be the more deadly, and I
+shall be the first to succumb.
+
+_Mne_. Very well. Let us fix the number: I say five each.
+
+_Tox_. Five be it, and you begin. But you must be sworn first:
+because the subject naturally lends itself to fictitious treatment;
+there is no checking anything. When you have sworn, it would be
+impious to doubt your word.
+
+_Mne_. Very well, if you think it necessary. Have you any
+preference among our Gods? How would the God of Friendship meet the
+case?
+
+_Tox_. Excellently; and when my turn comes, I will employ the
+national oath of the Scythians.
+
+_Mne_. Zeus the God of Friendship be my witness, that all I
+shall now relate is derived either from my own experience, or from
+such careful inquiry as I was able to make of others; and is free
+from all imaginative additions of my own. I will begin with, the
+friendship of Agathocles and Dinias. The story is well known in
+Ionia. This Agathocles was a native of Samos, and lived not many
+years ago. Though his conduct showed him to be the best of friends,
+he was of no better family and in no better circumstances than the
+generality of the Samians. From boyhood he had been the friend of
+Dinias, the son of Lyson, an Ephesian. Dinias, it seems, was
+enormously wealthy, and as his wealth was newly acquired, it is not
+to be wondered at that he had plenty of acquaintances besides
+Agathocles; persons who were quite qualified to share his
+pleasures, and to be his boon-companions, but who were very far
+indeed from being friends. For some time Agathocles--little as he
+cared for such a life--played his convivial part with the rest,
+Dinias making no distinction between him and the parasites.
+Finally, however, he took to finding fault with his friend's
+conduct, and gave great offence: his continual allusions to
+Dinias's ancestry, and his exhortations to him to husband the
+fortune which had cost his father such labour to acquire, seemed to
+his friend to be in indifferent taste. He gave up asking Agathocles
+to join in his revels, contented himself with the company of his
+parasites, and sought to elude his friend's observation. Well, the
+misguided youth was presently persuaded by his flatterers that he
+had made a conquest of Chariclea, the wife of Demonax, an eminent
+Ephesian, holding the highest office in that city. He was kept well
+supplied with billets-doux, half-faded flowers, bitten apples, and
+all the stock-in-trade of those intriguing dames whose business it
+is to fan an artificial passion that vanity has inspired. There is
+no more seductive bait to young men who value themselves on their
+personal attractions, than the belief that they have made an
+impression; they are sure to fall into the trap. Chariclea was a
+charming little woman, but sadly wanting in reserve: any one might
+enjoy her favours, and on the easiest of terms; the most casual
+glance was sure to meet with encouragement; there was never any
+fear of a repulse from Chariclea. With more than professional
+skill, she could draw on a hesitating lover till his subjugation
+was complete: then, when she was sure of him, she had a variety of
+devices for inflaming his passion: she could storm, and she could
+flatter; and flattery would be succeeded by contempt, or by a
+feigned preference for his rival;--in short, her resources were
+infinite; she was armed against her lovers at every point. This was
+the lady whom Dinias's parasites now associated with them; they
+played their subordinate part well, and between them fairly hustled
+the boy into a passion for Chariclea. Such a finished mistress of
+the art of perdition, who had ruined plenty of victims before, and
+acted love-scenes and swallowed fine fortunes without number, was
+not likely to let this simple inexperienced youth out of her
+clutches: she struck her talons into him on every side, and secured
+her quarry so effectually, that she was involved in his
+destruction,--to say nothing of the miseries of the hapless victim.
+She got to work at once with the billets-doux. Her maid was for
+ever coming with news of tears and sleepless nights: 'her poor
+mistress was ready to hang herself for love.' The ingenuous youth
+was at length driven to conclude that his attractions were too much
+for the ladies of Ephesus; he yielded to the girl's entreaties, and
+waited upon her mistress. The rest, of course, was easy. How was he
+to resist this pretty woman, with her captivating manners, her
+well-timed tears, her parenthetic sighs? Lingering farewells,
+joyful welcomes, judicious airs and graces, song and lyre,--all
+were brought to bear upon him. Dinias was soon a lost man, over
+head and ears in love; and Chariclea prepared to give the finishing
+stroke. She informed him that he was about to become a father,
+which was enough in itself to inflame the amorous simpleton; and
+she discontinued her visits to him; her husband, she said, had
+discovered her passion, and was watching her. This was altogether
+too much for Dinias: he was inconsolable; wept, sent messages by
+his parasites, flung his arms about her statue--a marble one which
+he had had made--, shrieked forth her name in loud lamentation, and
+finally threw himself down upon the ground and rolled about in a
+positive frenzy. Her apples and her flowers drew forth presents
+which were on quite another scale of munificence: houses and farms,
+servants, exquisite fabrics, and gold to any extent. To make a long
+story short, the house of Lyson, which had the reputation of being
+the wealthiest in Ionia, was quite cleared out. No sooner was this
+the case, than Chariclea abandoned Dinias, and went off in pursuit
+of a certain golden youth of Crete, irresistible as he, and not
+less gullible. Deserted alike by her and by his parasites (who
+followed the chase of the fortunate Cretan), Dinias presented
+himself before Agathocles, who had long been aware of his friend's
+situation. He swallowed his first feelings of embarrassment, and
+made a clean breast of it all: his love, his ruin, his mistress's
+disdain, his Cretan rival; and ended by protesting that without
+Chariclea he could not live. Agathocles did not think it necessary
+to remind Dinias just then how he alone had been excluded from his
+friendship, and how parasites had been preferred to him: instead,
+he went off and sold his family residence in Samos--the only
+property he possessed--and brought him the proceeds, 750 pounds.
+Dinias had no sooner received the money, than it became evident
+that he had somehow recovered his good looks, in the opinion of
+Chariclea: once more the maid-servant and the notes, with
+reproaches for his long neglect; once more, too, the throng of
+parasites; they saw that there were still pickings to be had.
+Dinias arrived at her house, by agreement, at about bedtime, and
+was already inside, when Demonax--whether he had an understanding
+with his wife in the matter, as some say, or had got his
+information independently--sprang out from concealment, gave orders
+to his servants to make the door fast and to secure Dinias, and
+then drew his sword, breathing fire and flagellation against the
+paramour. Dinias, realizing his danger, caught up a heavy bar that
+lay near, and dispatched Demonax with a blow on the temple; then,
+turning to Chariclea, he dealt blow after blow with the same
+weapon, and finally plunged her husband's sword into her body. The
+domestics stood by, dumb with amazement and terror; and when at
+length they attempted to seize him, he rushed at them with the
+sword, put them to flight, and slipped away from the fatal scene.
+The rest of that night he and Agathocles spent at the latter's
+house, pondering on the deed and its probable consequences. The
+news soon spread, and in the morning officers came to arrest
+Dinias. He made no attempt to deny the murder, and was conducted
+into the presence of the then Prefect of Asia, who sent him up to
+the Emperor. He presently returned, under sentence of perpetual
+banishment to Gyarus, one of the Cyclades. All this time,
+Agathocles had never left his side: with unfaltering devotion, he
+accompanied him to Italy, and was the only friend who stood by him
+in his trial. And now even in his banishment he would not desert
+him, but condemned himself to share the sentence; and when the
+necessaries of life failed them, he hired himself out as a diver in
+the purple-fishery, and with the proceeds of his industry
+supported Dinias and tended him in his sickness till the end. Even
+when all was over, he would not return to his own home, but
+remained on the island, thinking it shame even in death to desert
+his friend. There you have the history of a Greek friendship, and
+one of recent date; I think it can scarcely be as much as five
+years ago that Agathocles died on Gyarus.
+
+_Tox_. I wish I were at liberty to doubt the truth of your
+story: but alas! you speak under oath. Your Agathocles is a truly
+Scythian friend; I only hope there are no more of the same kind to
+come.
+
+_Mne_. See what you think of the next--Euthydicus of Chalcidice. I
+heard his story from Simylus, a shipmaster of Megara, who vowed
+that he had been an eyewitness of what he related. He set sail from
+Italy about the setting of the Pleiads, bound for Athens, with a
+miscellaneous shipload of passengers, among whom were Euthydicus
+and his comrade Damon, also of Chalcidice. They were of about the
+same age. Euthydicus was a powerful man, in robust health; Damon
+was pale and weakly, and looked as if he were just recovering from
+a long illness. They had a good voyage as far as Sicily: but they
+had no sooner passed through the Straits into the Ionian Sea, than
+a tremendous storm overtook them. I need not detain you with
+descriptions of mountainous billows and whirlwinds and hail and the
+other adjuncts of a storm: suffice it to say, that they were
+compelled to take in all sail, and trail cables after them to break
+the force of the waves, and in this way made Zacynthus by about
+midnight. At this point Damon, being seasick, as was natural in
+such a heavy sea, was leaning over the side, when (as I suppose) an
+unusually violent lurch of the vessel in his direction, combining
+with the rush of water across the deck, hurled him headlong into
+the sea. The poor wretch was not even naked, or he might have had a
+chance of swimming: it was all he could do to keep himself above
+water, and get out a cry for help. Euthydicus was lying in his
+berth undressed. He heard the cry, flung himself into the sea, and
+succeeded in overtaking the exhausted Damon; and a powerful
+moonlight enabled those on deck to see him swimming at his side for
+a considerable distance, and supporting him. 'We all felt for
+them,' said Simylus, 'and longed to give them some assistance, but
+the gale was too much for us: we did, however, throw out a number
+of corks and spars on the chance of their getting hold of some of
+them, and being carried to shore; and finally we threw over the
+gangway, which was of some size.'--Now only think: could any man
+give a surer proof of affection, than by throwing himself into a
+furious sea like that to share the death of his friend? Picture to
+yourself the surging billows, the roar of crashing waters, the
+hissing foam, the darkness, the hopeless prospect: look at
+Damon,--he is at his last gasp, he barely keeps himself up, he
+holds out his hands imploringly to his friend: and lastly look at
+Euthydicus, as he leaps into the water, and swims by his side, with
+only one thought in his mind,--Damon must not be the first to
+perish;--and you will see that Euthydicus too was no bad friend.
+
+_Tox_. I tremble for their fate: were they drowned, or did
+some miraculous providence deliver them?
+
+_Mne_. Oh, they were saved all right; and they are in Athens
+at this day, both of them, studying philosophy. Simylus's story
+closes with the events of the night: Damon has fallen overboard,
+Euthydicus has jumped in to his rescue, and the pair are left
+swimming about till they are lost in the darkness. Euthydicus
+himself tells the rest. It seems that first they came across some
+pieces of cork, which helped to support them; and they managed with
+much ado to keep afloat, till about dawn they saw the gangway, swam
+up to it, clambered on, and were carried to Zacynthus without
+further trouble. These, I think, are passable instances of
+friendship; and my third is no way inferior to them, as you shall
+hear.
+
+Eudamidas of Corinth, though he was himself in very narrow
+circumstances, had two friends who were well-to-do, Aretaeus his
+fellow townsman, and Charixenus of Sicyon. When Eudamidas died, he
+left a will behind him which I dare say would excite most people's
+ridicule: but what the generous Toxaris, with his respect for
+friendship and his ambition to secure its highest honours for his
+country, may think of the matter, is another question. The terms of
+the will--but first I should explain that Eudamidas left behind him
+an aged mother and a daughter of marriageable years;--the will,
+then, was as follows: _To Aretaeus I bequeath my mother, to tend
+and to cherish in her old age: and to Charixenus my daughter, to
+give in marriage with such dowry as his circumstances will admit
+of: and should anything befall either of the legatees, then let his
+portion pass to the survivor_. The reading of this will caused
+some merriment among the hearers, who knew of Eudamidas's poverty,
+but did not know anything of the friendship existing between him
+and his heirs. They went off much tickled at the handsome legacy
+that Aretaeus and Charixenus (lucky dogs!) had come in for:
+'Eudamidas,' as they expressed it, 'was apparently to have a death-
+interest in the property of the legatees.' However, the latter had
+no sooner heard the will read, than they proceeded to execute the
+testator's intentions. Charixenus only survived Eudamidas by five
+days: but Aretaeus, most generous of heirs, accepted the double
+bequest, is supporting the aged mother at this day, and has only
+lately given the daughter in marriage, allowing to her and to his
+own daughter portions of 500 pounds each, out of his whole property
+of 1,250 pounds; the two marriages were arranged to take place on
+the same day. What do you think of him, Toxaris? This is something
+like friendship, is it not,--to accept such a bequest as this, and
+to show such respect for a friend's last wishes? May we pass this
+as one of my five?
+
+_Tox_. Excellent as was the behaviour of Aretaeus, I admire
+still more Eudamidas's confidence in his friends. It shows that he
+would have done as much for them; even if nothing had been said
+about it in their wills, he would have been the first to come
+forward and claim the inheritance as natural heir.
+
+_Mne_. Very true. And now I come to Number Four--Zenothemis of
+Massilia, son of Charmoleos. He was pointed out to me when I was in
+Italy on public business: a fine, handsome man, and to all
+appearance well off. But by his side (he was just driving away on a
+journey) sat his wife, a woman of most repulsive appearance; all
+her right side was withered; she had lost one eye; in short, she
+was a positive fright. I expressed my surprise that a man in the
+prime of manly beauty should endure to have such a woman seated by
+him. My informant, who was a Massiliot himself, and knew how the
+marriage had come about, gave me all the particulars. 'The father
+of this unsightly woman,' he said, 'was Menecrates; and he and
+Zenothemis were friends in days when both were men of wealth and
+rank. The property of Menecrates, however, was afterwards
+confiscated by the Six Hundred, and he himself disfranchised, on
+the ground that he had proposed an unconstitutional measure; this
+being the regular penalty in Massilia for such offences. The
+sentence was in itself a heavy blow to Menecrates, and it was
+aggravated by the sudden change from wealth to poverty and from
+honour to dishonour. But most of all he was troubled about this
+daughter: she was now eighteen years old, and it was time that he
+found her a husband; yet with her unfortunate appearance it was not
+probable that any one, however poor or obscure, would have taken
+her, even with all the wealth her father had possessed previous to
+his sentence; it was said, too, that she was subject to fits at
+every increase of the moon. He was bewailing his hard lot to
+Zenothemis, when the latter interrupted him: "Menecrates," he said,
+"be sure that you shall want for nothing, and that your daughter
+shall find a match suitable to her rank." So saying, he took his
+friend by the hand, brought him into his house, assigned him a
+share of his great wealth, and ordered a banquet to be prepared, at
+which he entertained Menecrates and his friends, giving the former
+to understand that he had prevailed upon one of his acquaintance to
+marry the girl. When dinner was over, and libations had been poured
+to the Gods, Zenothemis filled a goblet and passed it to
+Menecrates: "Accept," he cried, "from your son-in-law the cup of
+friendship. This day I wed your daughter Cydimache. The dowry I
+have had long since; 60,000 pounds was the sum." _"You?"_
+exclaimed Menecrates; "Heaven forbid that I should be so mad as to
+suffer you, in the pride of your youth, to be yoked to this
+unfortunate girl!" But even while he spoke, Zenothemis was
+conducting his bride to the marriage-chamber, and presently
+returned to announce that she was his wedded wife. Since that day,
+he has lived with her on the most affectionate terms; and you see
+for yourself that he takes her about with him wherever he goes. As
+to his being ashamed of his wife, one would rather 26 suppose that
+he was proud of her; and his conduct in this respect shows how
+lightly he esteems beauty and wealth and reputation, in comparison
+with friendship and his friend; for Menecrates is not less his
+friend because the Six Hundred have condemned him. To be sure,
+Fortune has already given him one compensation: his ugly wife has
+borne him a most beautiful child. Only a few days ago, he carried
+his child into the Senate-house, crowned with an olive-wreath, and
+dressed in black, to excite the pity of the senators on his
+grandfather's behalf: the babe smiled upon them, and clapped his
+little hands together, which so moved the senators that they
+repealed the sentence against Menecrates, who is now reinstated in
+his rights, thanks to the pleadings of his tiny advocate.'
+
+Such was the Massiliot's story. As you see, it was no slight
+service that Zenothemis rendered to his friend; I fancy there are
+not many Scythians who would do the same; they are said to be very
+nice even in their selection of concubines.
+
+I have still one friend to produce, and I think none is more worthy
+of remembrance than Demetrius of Sunium. He and Antiphilus of the
+deme of Alopece had been playmates in their childhood, and grown up
+side by side. They subsequently took ship for Egypt, and carried on
+their studies there together, Demetrius practising the Cynic
+philosophy under the famous sophist of Rhodes, while Antiphilus, it
+seems, was to be a doctor. Well, on one occasion Demetrius had gone
+up country to see the Pyramids, and the statue of Memnon. He had
+heard it said that the Pyramids in spite of their great height cast
+no shadow, and that a sound proceeded from the statue at sunrise:
+all this he wished to see and hear for himself, and he had now been
+away up the Nile six months. During his absence, Antiphilus, who
+had remained behind (not liking the idea of the heat and the long
+journey), became involved in troubles which required all the
+assistance that faithful friendship could have rendered. He had a
+Syrian slave, whose name was also Syrus. This man had made common
+cause with a number of temple-robbers, had forced his way with them
+into the temple of Anubis, and robbed the God of a pair of golden
+cups, a caduceus, also of gold, some silver images of Cynocephali
+and other treasures; all of which the rest entrusted to Syrus's
+charge. Later on they were caught trying to dispose of some of
+their booty, and were taken up; and being put on the rack,
+immediately confessed the whole truth. They were accordingly
+conducted to Antiphilus's house, where they produced the stolen
+treasure from a dark corner under a bed. Syrus was immediately
+arrested, and his master Antiphilus with him: the latter being
+dragged away from the very presence of his teacher during lecture-
+time. There was none to help him: his former acquaintances turned
+their backs on the desecrator of Anubis's temple, and made it a
+matter of conscience that they had ever sat at the same table with
+him. As to his other two servants, they got together all his
+belongings, and ran off.
+
+Antiphilus had now lain long in captivity. He was looked upon as
+the vilest criminal of all in the prison; and the native gaoler, a
+superstitious man, considered that he was avenging the God's wrongs
+and securing his favour by harsh treatment of Antiphilus. His
+attempts to clear himself of the charge of sacrilege only served to
+set him in the light of a hardened offender, and materially to
+increase the detestation in which he was held. His health was
+beginning to give way under the strain, and no wonder: his bed was
+the bare ground, and all night he was unable so much as to stretch
+his legs, which were then secured in the stocks; in the daytime,
+the collar and one manacle sufficed, but at night he had to submit
+to being bound hand and foot. The stench, too, and the closeness of
+the dungeon, in which so many prisoners were huddled together
+gasping for breath, and the difficulty of getting any sleep, owing
+to the clanking of chains,--all combined to make the situation
+intolerable to one who was quite unaccustomed to endure such
+hardships. At last, when Antiphilus had given up all hope, and
+refused to take any nourishment, Demetrius arrived, ignorant of all
+that had passed in his absence. He no sooner learnt the truth, than
+he flew to the prison. It was now evening, and he was refused
+admittance, the gaoler having long since bolted the door and
+retired to rest, leaving his slaves to keep guard. Morning came,
+and after many entreaties he was allowed to enter. Suffering had
+altered Antiphilus beyond recognition, and for long Demetrius
+sought him in vain: like men who seek their slain relatives on the
+day after a battle, when death has already changed them, he went
+from prisoner to prisoner, examining each in turn; and had he not
+called on Antiphilus by name, it would have been long before he
+could have recognized him, so great was the change that misery had
+wrought. Antiphilus heard the voice, and uttered a cry; then, as
+his friend approached, he brushed the dry matted hair from his
+face, and revealed his identity. At the unexpected sight of one
+another, the two friends instantly fell down in a swoon. But
+presently Demetrius recovered, and raised Antiphilus from the
+ground: he obtained from him an exact account of all that had
+happened, and bade him be of good cheer; then, tearing his cloak in
+two, he threw one half over himself, and gave the other to his
+friend, first ripping off the squalid, threadbare rags in which he
+was clothed. From that hour, Demetrius was unfailing in his
+attendance. From early morning till noon, he hired himself out as a
+porter to the merchants in the harbour, and thus made a
+considerable wage. Returning to the prison when his work was over,
+he would give a part of his earnings to the gaoler, thus securing
+his obsequious goodwill, and the rest sufficed him amply for
+supplying his friend's needs. For the remainder of the day, he
+would stay by Antiphilus, administering consolation to him; and at
+nightfall made himself a litter of leaves near the prison door, and
+there took his rest. So things went on for some time, Demetrius
+having free entrance to the prison, and Antiphilus's misery being
+much alleviated thereby. But presently a certain robber died in the
+gaol, apparently from the effects of poison; a strict watch was
+kept, and admittance was refused to all applicants alike, to the
+great distress of Demetrius, who could think of no other means of
+obtaining access to his friend than by going to the Prefect and
+professing complicity in the temple robbery. As the result of this
+declaration, he was immediately led off to prison, and with great
+difficulty prevailed upon the gaoler after many entreaties to place
+him next to Antiphilus, and under the same collar. It was now that
+his devotion to his friend appeared in the strongest light. Ill
+though he was himself, he thought nothing of his own sufferings:
+his only care was to lighten the affliction of his friend, and to
+procure him as much rest as possible; and the companionship in
+misery certainly lightened their load. Finally an event happened
+which brought their misfortunes to an end. One of the prisoners had
+somehow got hold of a file. He took a number of the others into his
+confidence, filed through the chain which held them together by
+means of their collars, and set all at liberty. The guards being
+few were easily slain; and the prisoners burst out of the gaol
+_en masse_. They then scattered, and each took refuge for the
+moment where he could, most of them being subsequently recaptured.
+Demetrius and Antiphilus, however, remained in the prison, and even
+secured Syrus when he was about to escape. The next morning the
+Prefect, hearing what had happened, sent men in pursuit of the
+other prisoners, and Demetrius and Antiphilus, being summoned to
+his presence, were released from their fetters, and commended for
+not having run away like the rest. The friends, however, declined
+to accept their dismissal on such terms: Demetrius protested loudly
+against the injustice which would be done to them if they were to
+pass for criminals, who owed their discharge to mercy, or to their
+discretion in not having run away. They insisted that the judge
+should examine carefully into the facts of their case. He at length
+did so; and was convinced of their innocence, did justice to their
+characters, and, with a warm commendation of Demetrius's conduct,
+dismissed them; but not before he had expressed his regret at the
+unjust sentence under which they had suffered, and made each of
+them a present from his own purse,--400 pounds to Antiphilus, and
+twice that sum to Demetrius. Antiphilus is still in Egypt at the
+present time, but Demetrius went off to India to visit the
+Brahmins, leaving his 800 pounds with Antiphilus. He could now, he
+said, leave his friend with a clear conscience. His own wants were
+simple, and as long as they continued so, he had no need of money:
+on the other hand, Antiphilus, in his present easy circumstances,
+had as little need of a friend.
+
+See, Toxaris, what a Greek friend can do! You were so hard just now
+upon our rhetorical vanity, that I forbear to give you the
+admirable pleadings of Demetrius in court: not one word did he say
+in his own behalf; all was for Antiphilus; he wept and implored,
+and sought to take all the guilt upon himself; till at last the
+confession of Syrus under torture cleared them both. These loyal
+friends whose stories I have related were the first that occurred
+to my memory; where I have given five instances, I might have given
+fifty. And now I am silent: it is your turn to speak. I need not
+tell you to make the most of your Scythians, and bring them out
+triumphant if you can: you will do that for your own sake, if you
+set any value on that right hand of yours. Quit you, then, like a
+man. You would look foolish if, after your truly professional
+panegyric of Orestes and Pylades, your art were to fail you in your
+country's need.
+
+_Tox_. I honour you for your disinterested encouragement:
+apparently you are under no uneasiness as to the loss of your
+tongue, in the event of my winning. Well, I will begin: and you
+will get no flowery language from me; it is not our Scythian way,
+especially when the deeds we handle dwarf description. Be prepared
+for something very different from the subjects of your own eulogy:
+here will be no marryings of ugly and dowerless women, no five-
+hundred-pound-portionings of friends' daughters, nor even
+surrenderings of one's person to gaolers, with the certain prospect
+of a speedy release. These are very cheap manifestations; the
+lofty, the heroic, is altogether wanting. I have to speak of blood
+and war and death for friendship's sake; you will learn that all
+you have related is child's-play, when compared with the deeds of
+the Scythians. After all, it is natural enough: what should you do
+but admire these trifles? Living in the midst of peace, you have no
+scope for the exhibition of an exalted friendship, just as in a
+calm we cannot tell a good pilot from a bad; we must wait till a
+storm comes; then we know. We, on the contrary, live in a state of
+perpetual warfare, now invading, now receding, now contending for
+pasturage or booty. There is the true sphere of friendship; and
+there is the reason that its ties among us are drawn so close;
+friendship we hold to be the one invincible, irresistible weapon.
+
+But before I begin, I should like to describe to you our manner of
+making friends. Friendships are not formed with us, as with you,
+over the wine-cups, nor are they determined by considerations of
+age or neighbourhood. We wait till we see a brave man, capable of
+valiant deeds, and to him we all turn our attention. Friendship
+with us is like courtship with you: rather than fail of our object,
+and undergo the disgrace of a rejection, we are content to urge our
+suit patiently, and to give our constant attendance. At length a
+friend is accepted, and the engagement is concluded with our most
+solemn oath: 'to live together and if need be to die for one
+another.' That vow is faithfully kept: once let the friends draw
+blood from their fingers into a cup, dip the points of their swords
+therein, and drink of that draught together, and from that moment
+nothing can part them. Such a treaty of friendship may include
+three persons, but no more: a man of many friends we consider to be
+no better than a woman who is at the service of every lover; we
+feel no further security in a friendship that is divided between so
+many objects.
+
+I will commence with the recent story of Dandamis. In our conflict
+with the Sauromatae, Dandamis's friend Amizoces had been taken
+captive,--oh, but first I must take the Scythian oath, as we agreed
+at the start. I swear by Wind and Scimetar that I will speak
+nothing but truth of the Scythian friendships.
+
+_Mne_. You need not have troubled to swear, as far as I am
+concerned. However, you showed judgement in not swearing by a God.
+
+_Tox_. What can you mean? Wind and Scimetar not Gods? Are you
+now to learn that life and death are the highest considerations
+among mankind? When we swear by Wind and Scimetar, we do so because
+Wind is the cause of life and Scimetar of death.
+
+_Mne_. On that principle, you get a good many other Gods
+besides Scimetar, and as good as he: there is Arrow, and Spear, and
+Hemlock, and Halter, and so on. Death is a God who assumes many
+shapes; numberless are the roads that lead into his presence.
+
+_Tox_. Now you are just trying to spoil my story with these
+quibbling objections. I gave _you_ a fair hearing.
+
+_Mne_. You are quite right, Toxaris; it shall not occur again,
+be easy on that score. I'll be so quiet, you would never know I was
+here at all.
+
+_Tox_. Four days after Dandamis and Amizoces had shared the
+cup of blood, the Sauromatae invaded our territory with 10,000
+horse, their infantry being estimated at three times that number.
+The invasion was unexpected, and we were completely routed; many of
+our warriors were slain, and the rest taken captive, with the
+exception of a few who managed to swim across to the opposite bank
+of the river, on which half our host was encamped, with a part of
+the waggons. The reason of this arrangement I do not know; but our
+leaders had seen good to divide our camp between the two banks of
+the Tanais. The enemy at once set to work to secure their booty and
+collect the captives; they plundered the camp, and took possession
+of the waggons, most of them with their occupants; and we had the
+mortification of seeing our wives and concubines mishandled before
+our very eyes. Amizoces was among the prisoners, and while he was
+being dragged along he called upon his friend by name, to witness
+his captivity and to remember the cup of blood. Dandamis heard him,
+and without a moment's delay plunged into the river in the sight of
+all, and swam across to the enemy. The Sauromatae rushed upon him,
+and were about to transfix him with their raised javelins, when he
+raised the cry of Zirin. The man who pronounces that word is safe
+from their weapons: it indicates that he is the bearer of ransom,
+and he is received accordingly. Being conducted into the presence
+of their chief, he demanded the liberation of Amizoces, and was
+told in reply, that his friend would only be released upon payment
+of a high ransom. 'All that was once mine,' said Dandamis, 'has
+become your booty: but if one who is stripped of all can have
+anything yet left to give, it is at your disposal. Name your terms:
+take me, if you will, in his place, and use me as seems best to
+you.' 'To detain the person of one who comes with the Zirin on his
+lips is out of the question: but you may take back your friend on
+paying me a part of your possessions.' 'What will you have?' asked
+Dandamis. 'Your eyes,' was the reply. Dandamis submitted: his eyes
+were plucked out, and the Sauromatae had their ransom. He returned
+leaning on his friend, and they swam across together, and reached
+us in safety.
+
+There was comfort for all of us in this act of Dandamis. Our
+defeat, it seemed, was no defeat, after all: our most precious
+possessions had escaped the hands of our enemies; loyal friendship,
+noble resolution, these were still our own. On the Sauromatae it
+had the contrary effect: they did not at all like the idea of
+engaging with such determined adversaries on equal terms; gaining
+an advantage of them by means of a surprise was quite another
+matter. The end of it was, that when night came on they left behind
+the greater part of the herds, burnt the waggons, and beat a hasty
+retreat. As for Amizoces, he could not endure to see, when Dandamis
+was blind: he blinded himself, and the two now sit at home,
+supported in all honour at the public expense.
+
+Can you match that, friend? I think not, though I should give you
+ten new chances on the top of your five; ay, and release you from
+your oath, too, for that matter, leaving you free to exaggerate as
+much as you choose. Besides, I have given you just the bare facts.
+Now, if _you_ had been telling Dandamis's story, what embroidery we
+should have had! The supplications of Dandamis, the blinding
+process, his remarks on the occasion, the circumstances of his
+return, the effusive greetings of the Scythians, and all the _ad
+captandum_ artifices that you Greeks understand so well.
+
+And now let me introduce you to another friend, not inferior to
+Dandamis,--a cousin of Amizoces, Belitta by name. Belitta was once
+hunting with his friend Basthes, when the latter was torn from his
+horse by a lion. Already the brute had fallen upon him, and was
+clutching him by the throat and beginning to tear him to pieces,
+when Belitta, leaping to earth, rushed upon him from behind, and
+attempted to drag him off, and to turn his rage upon himself,
+thrusting his hands into the brute's mouth, and doing his best to
+extricate Basthes from those teeth. He succeeded at last: the lion,
+abandoning his half dead prey, turned upon Belitta, grappled with
+him, and slew him; but not before Belitta had plunged a scimetar
+into his breast. Thus all three died together; and we buried them,
+the two friends in one grave, the lion in another close by.
+
+For my third instance, I shall give you the friendship of Macentes,
+Lonchates, and Arsacomas. This Arsacomas had been on a visit to
+Leucanor, king of Bosphorus, in connexion with the tribute annually
+paid to us by that country, which tribute was then three months
+overdue; and while there he had fallen in love with Mazaea, the
+king's daughter. Mazaea was an extremely fine woman, and Arsacomas,
+seeing her at the king's table, had been much smitten with her
+charms. The question of the tribute was at length settled,
+Arsacomas had his answer, and the king was now entertaining him
+prior to his departure. It is the custom for suitors in that
+country to make their proposals at table, stating at the same time
+their qualifications. Now in the present case there were a number
+of suitors--kings and sons of kings, among whom were Tigrapates the
+prince of the Lazi and Adyrmachus the chief of the Machlyans. What
+each suitor has to do is, first to declare his intentions, and
+quietly take his seat at table with the rest; then, when dinner is
+over, he calls for a goblet, pours libation upon the table, and
+makes his proposal for the lady's hand, saying whatever he can for
+himself in the way of birth, wealth, and dominion. Many suitors,
+then, had already preferred their request in due form, enumerating
+their realms and possessions, when at last Arsacomas called for a
+cup. He did not make a libation, because it is not the Scythian
+custom to do so; we should consider it an insult to Heaven to pour
+away good wine: instead, he drank it all off at one draught, and
+then addressed the king. 'Sire,' he said, 'give _me_ your
+daughter Mazaea to wife: if wealth and possessions count for
+anything, I am a fitter husband for her than these.' Leucanor was
+surprised: he knew that Arsacomas was but a poor commoner among the
+Scythians. 'What herds, what waggons have you, Arsacomas?' he
+asked; 'these are the wealth of your people.' 'Waggons and herds I
+have none,' was Arsacomas's reply: 'but I have two excellent
+friends, whose like you will not find in all Scythia.' His answer
+only excited ridicule; it was attributed to drunkenness, and no
+further notice was taken of him. Adyrmachus was preferred to the
+other suitors, and was to take his bride away the next morning to
+his Maeotian home. Arsacomas on his return informed his friends of
+the slight that had been put upon him by the king, and of the
+ridicule to which he had been subjected on account of his supposed
+poverty. 'And yet,' he added, 'I told him of my wealth: told him
+that I had the friendship of Lonchates and Macentes, a more
+precious and more lasting possession than his kingdom of Bosphorus.
+But he made light of it; he jeered at us; and gave his daughter to
+Adyrmachus the Machlyan, because he had ten golden cups, and eighty
+waggons of four seats, and a number of sheep and oxen. It seems
+that herds and lumbering waggons and superfluous beakers are to
+count for more than brave men. My friends, I am doubly wounded: I
+love Mazaea, and I cannot forget the humiliation which I have
+suffered before so many witnesses, and in which you are both
+equally involved. Ever since we were united in friendship, are we
+not one flesh? are not our joys and our sorrows the same? If this
+be so, each of us has his share in this disgrace.' 'Not only so,'
+rejoined Lonchates; 'each of us labours under the whole ignominy of
+the affront.' 'And what is to be our course?' asked Macentes. 'We
+will divide the work,' replied the other. 'I for my part undertake
+to present Arsacomas with the head of Leucanor: you must bring him
+his bride.' 'I agree. And you, Arsacomas, can stay at home; and as
+we are likely to want an army before we have done, you must be
+getting together horses and arms, and raise what men you can, A man
+like you will have no difficulty in getting plenty of people to
+join him, and there are all our relations; besides, you can sit on
+the ox-hide.' This being settled, Lonchates set off just as he was
+for the Bosphorus, and Macentes for Machlyene, each on horseback;
+while Arsacomas remained behind, consulting with his acquaintance,
+raising forces from among the relations of the three, and, finally,
+taking his seat on the ox-hide.
+
+Our custom of the hide is as follows. When a man has been injured
+by another, and desires vengeance, but feels that he is no match
+for his opponent, he sacrifices an ox, cuts up the flesh and cooks
+it, and spreads out the hide upon the ground. On this hide he takes
+his seat, holding his hands behind him, so as to suggest that his
+arms are tied in that position, this being the natural attitude of
+a suppliant among us. Meanwhile, the flesh of the ox has been laid
+out; and the man's relations and any others who feel so disposed
+come up and take a portion thereof, and, setting their right foot
+on the hide, promise whatever assistance is in their power: one
+will engage to furnish and maintain five horsemen, another ten, a
+third some larger number; while others, according to their ability,
+promise heavy or light-armed infantry, and the poorest, who have
+nothing else to give, offer their own personal services. The number
+of persons assembled on the hide is sometimes very considerable;
+nor could any troops be more reliable or more invincible than those
+which are collected in this manner, being as they are under a vow;
+for the act of stepping on to the hide constitutes an oath. By this
+means, then, Arsacomas raised something like 5,000 cavalry and
+20,000 heavy and light armed.
+
+Meanwhile, Lonchates arrived unknown in Bosphorus, and presented
+himself co the king, who was occupied at the moment in affairs of
+state. 'I come,' he said, 'on public business from Scythia: but I
+have also a private communication of high import to make to your
+Majesty.' The king bade him proceed. 'As to my public errand, it is
+the old story: we protest against your herdsmen's crossing the
+Rocks and encroaching on the plains. And with reference to the
+robbers of whom you complain, I am instructed to say that our
+government is not responsible for their incursions, which are the
+work of private individuals, actuated merely by the love of booty;
+accordingly, you are at liberty to punish as many of them as you
+can secure, And now for my own news. You will shortly be invaded by
+a large host under Arsacomas the son of Mariantas, who was lately
+at your court as an ambassador. I suppose the cause of his
+resentment is your refusing him your daughter's hand. He has now
+been on the ox-hide for seven days, and has got together a
+considerable force.' 'I had heard,' exclaimed Leucanor, 'that an
+army was being raised on the hide: but who was raising it, and what
+was its destination, I had no idea.' 'You know now,' said
+Lonchates. 'Arsacomas is a personal enemy of mine: the superior
+esteem in which I am held, and the preference shown for me by our
+elders, are things which he cannot forgive. Now promise me your
+other daughter Barcetis: apart from my present services, I shall be
+no discreditable son-in-law: promise me this, and in no long time I
+will return bringing you the head of Arsacomas.' 'I promise,' cried
+the king, in great perturbation; for he realized the provocation he
+had given to Arsacomas, and had a wholesome respect for the
+Scythians at all times. 'Swear,' insisted Lonchates, 'that you will
+not go back from your promise.' The king was already raising up his
+hand to Heaven, when the other interrupted him. 'Wait!' he
+exclaimed; 'not here! these people must not know what is the
+subject of our oath. Let us go into the temple of Ares yonder, and
+swear with closed doors, where none may hear. If Arsacomas should
+get wind of this, I am likely to be offered up as a preliminary
+sacrifice; he has a good number of men already.' 'To the temple,
+then, let us go,' said the king; and he ordered the guards to
+remain aloof, and forbade any one to approach the temple unless
+summoned by him. As soon as they were inside, and the guards had
+withdrawn, Lonchates drew his sword, and putting his left hand on
+the king's mouth to prevent his crying out, plunged it into his
+breast; then, cutting off his head, he went out from the temple
+carrying it under his cloak; affecting all the time to be speaking
+to the king, and promising that he would not be long, as if the
+king had sent him on some errand. He thus succeeded in reaching the
+place where he had left his horse tethered, leapt on to his back,
+and rode off into Scythia. There was no pursuit: the people of
+Bosphorus took some time to discover what had happened; and then
+they were occupied with disputes as to the succession. Thus
+Lonchates fulfilled his promise, and handed the head of Leucanor to
+Arsacomas.
+
+The news of this reached Macentes while he was on his way to
+Machlyene, and on his arrival there he was the first to announce
+the king's death. 'You, Adyrmachus,' he added, 'are his son-in-law,
+and are now summoned to the throne. Ride on in advance, and
+establish your claim while all is still unsettled. Your bride can
+follow with the waggons; the presence of Leucanor's daughter will
+be of assistance to you in securing the support of the Bosphorans.
+I myself am an Alanian, and am related to this lady by the mother's
+side: Leucanor's wife, Mastira, was of my family. I now come to you
+from Mastira's brothers in Alania: they would have you make the
+best of your way to Bosphorus at once, or you will find your crown
+on the head of Eubiotus, Leucanor's bastard brother, who is a
+friend to Scythia, and detested by the Alanians.' In language and
+dress, Macentes resembled an Alanian; for in these respects there
+is no difference between Scythians and Alanians, except that the
+Alanians do not wear such long hair as we do. Macentes had
+completed the resemblance by cropping his hair to the right
+shortness, and was thus enabled to pass for a kinsman of Mastira
+and Mazaea. 'And now, Adyrmachus,' he concluded, 'I am ready to go
+with you to Bosphorus; or, if you prefer it, I will escort your
+bride.' 'If you will do the latter,' replied Adyrmachus, 'I shall
+be particularly obliged, since you are Mazaea's kinsman. If you go
+with us, it is but one horseman more; whereas no one could be such
+a suitable escort for my wife.' And so it was settled: Adyrmachus
+rode off, and left Mazaea, who was still a maid, in the care of
+Macentes. During the day, Macentes accompanied Mazaea in the
+waggon: but at nightfall he placed her on horseback (he had taken
+care that there should be a horseman in attendance), and, mounting
+behind her, abandoned his former course along the Maeotian Lake,
+and struck off into the interior, keeping the Mitraean Mountains on
+his right. He allowed Mazaea some time for rest, and completed the
+whole journey from Machlyene to Scythia on the third day; his horse
+stood still for a few moments after arrival, and then dropped down
+dead. 'Behold,' said Macentes, presenting Mazaea to Arsacomas,
+'behold your promised bride.' Arsacomas, amazed at so unexpected a
+sight, was beginning to express his gratitude: but Macentes bade
+him hold his peace. 'You speak,' he exclaimed, 'as if you and I
+were different persons, when you thank me for what I have done. It
+is as if my left hand should say to my right: Thank you for tending
+my wound; thank you for your generous sympathy with my pain. That
+would be no more absurd than for us--who have long been united, and
+have become (so far as such a thing may be) one flesh--to make such
+ado because one part of us has done its duty by the whole; the limb
+is but serving its own interest in promoting the welfare of the
+body.' And that was how Macentes received his friend's thanks.
+
+Adyrmachus, on hearing of the trick that had been played upon him,
+did not pursue his journey to Bosphorus; indeed, Eubiotus was
+already on the throne, having been summoned thither from his home
+in Sarmatia. He therefore returned to his own country, collected a
+large army, and marched across the mountains into Scythia. He was
+presently followed by Eubiotus himself, at the head of a
+miscellaneous army of Greeks, together with 20,000 each of his
+Alanian and Sarmatian allies. The two joined forces, and the result
+was an army of 90,000 men, one third of whom were mounted bowmen.
+We Scythians (I say _we_, because I myself took part in this
+enterprise, and was maintaining a hundred horse on the hide)--we
+Scythians then, numbering in all not much less than 30,000 men,
+including cavalry, awaited their onset, under the command of
+Arsacomas. As soon as we saw them approaching, we too advanced,
+sending on our cavalry ahead. After a long and obstinate
+engagement, our lines were broken, and we began to give ground; and
+finally our whole army was cut clean in two. One half had not
+suffered a decisive defeat; with these it was rather a retreat than
+a flight, nor did the Alanians venture to follow up their advantage
+for any distance. But the other and smaller division was completely
+surrounded by the Alanians and Machlyans, and was being shot down
+on every side by the copious discharge of arrows and javelins; the
+position became intolerable, and most of our men were beginning to
+throw down their arms. In this latter division were Lonchates and
+Macentes. They had borne the brunt of the attack, and both were
+wounded: Lonchates had a spear-thrust in his thigh, and Macentes,
+besides a cut on the head from an axe, had had his shoulder damaged
+by a pike. Arsacomas, seeing their condition (he was with us in the
+other division), could not endure the thought of turning his back
+on his friends: plunging the spurs into his horse, and raising a
+shout, he rode through the midst of the enemy, with his scimetar
+raised on high. The Machlyans were unable to withstand the fury of
+his onset; their ranks divided, and made way for him to pass.
+Having rescued his friends from their danger, he rallied the rest
+of the troops; and charging upon Adyrmachus brought down the
+scimetar on his neck, and cleft him in two as far as the waist.
+Adyrmachus once slain, the whole of the Machlyans and Alanians soon
+scattered, and the Greeks followed their example. Thus did we turn
+defeat into victory; and had not night come to interrupt us, we
+should have pursued the fugitives for a considerable distance,
+slaying as we went. The next day came messengers from the enemy
+suing for reconciliation, the Bosphorans undertaking to double
+their tribute, and the Machlyans to leave hostages; whilst the
+Alanians promised to expiate their guilt by reducing the Sindians
+to submission, that tribe having been for some time in revolt
+against us. These terms we accepted, at the instance of Arsacomas
+and Lonchates, who conducted the negotiations and concluded the
+peace.
+
+Such, Mnesippus, are the deeds that Scythians will do for
+friendship's sake.
+
+_Mne_. Truly deeds of high emprise; quite a legendary look
+about them. With Wind's and Scimetar's good leave, I think a man
+might be excused for doubting their truth.
+
+_Tox_. Now, honestly, Mnesippus, does not that doubt look a
+little like envy? However, doubt if you will: that shall not deter
+me from relating other Scythian exploits of the same kind which
+have happened within my experience.
+
+_Mne_. Brevity, friend, is all I ask. Your story is apt to run
+away with you. Up hill and down dale you go, through Scythia and
+Machlyene, off again to Bosphorus, then back to Scythia, till my
+taciturnity is exhausted.
+
+_Tox_. I am schooled. Brevity you shall have; I will not run
+you off your ears this time. My next story shall be of a service
+rendered to myself, by my friend Sisinnes. Induced by the desire
+for Greek culture, I had left my home and was on my way to Athens.
+The ship put in at Amastris, which comes in the natural route from
+Scythia, being on the shore of the Euxine, not far from Carambis.
+Sisinnes, who had been my friend from childhood, bore me company on
+this voyage. We had transferred all our belongings from the ship to
+an inn near the harbour; and whilst we were busy in the market,
+suspecting nothing wrong, some thieves had forced the door of our
+room and carried off everything, not leaving us even enough to go
+on with for that day. Well, when we got back and found what had
+happened, we thought it was no use trying to get legal redress from
+our landlord, or from the neighbours; there were too many of them;
+and if we _had_ told our story,--how we had been robbed of
+four hundred darics and our clothes and rugs and everything, most
+people would only have thought we were making a fuss about a
+trifle. So we had to think what was to be done: here we were,
+absolutely destitute, in a foreign country. For my part, I thought
+I might as well put a sword through my ribs there and then, and
+have done with it, rather than endure the humiliation that might be
+forced upon us by hunger and thirst. Sisinnes took a more cheerful
+view, and implored me to do nothing of the kind: 'I shall think of
+something,' he said, 'and we may do well yet.' For the moment, he
+made enough to get us some food by carrying up timber from the
+harbour. The next morning, he took a walk in the market, where it
+seems he saw a company of fine likely young fellows, who as it
+turned out were hired as gladiators, and were to perform two days
+after. He found out all about them, and then came back to me.
+'Toxaris,' he exclaimed, 'consider your poverty at an end! In two
+days' time, I will make a rich man of you.' We got through those
+two days somehow, and then came the show, in which we took our
+places as spectators, Sisinnes bidding me prepare myself for all
+the novel delights of a Greek amphitheatre. The first thing we saw
+on sitting down was a number of wild beasts: some of them were
+being assailed by javelins, others hunted by dogs, and others again
+were let loose upon certain men who were tied hand and foot, and
+whom we supposed to be criminals. The gladiators next made their
+appearance. The herald led forward a strapping young fellow, and
+announced that any one who was prepared to stand up against him
+might step into the arena and take his reward, which would be 400
+pounds. Sisinnes rose from his seat, jumped down into the ring,
+expressed his willingness to fight, and demanded arms. He received
+the money, and brought it to me. 'If I win,' he said, 'we will go
+off together, and are amply provided for: if I fall, you will bury
+me and return to Scythia.' I was much moved.
+
+He now received his arms, and put them on; with the exception,
+however, of the helmet, for he fought bareheaded. He was the first
+to be wounded, his adversary's curved sword drawing a stream of
+blood from his groin. I was half dead with fear. However, Sisinnes
+was biding his time: the other now assailed him with more
+confidence, and Sisinnes made a lunge at his breast, and drove the
+sword clean through, so that his adversary fell lifeless at his
+feet. He himself, exhausted by the loss of blood, sank down upon
+the corpse, and life almost deserted him; but I ran to his
+assistance, raised him up, and spoke words of comfort. The victory
+was won, and he was free to depart; I therefore picked him up and
+carried him home. My efforts were at last successful: he rallied,
+and is living in Scythia to this day, having married my sister. He
+is still lame, however, from his wound. Observe: this did not take
+place in Machlyene, nor yet in Alania; there is no lack of
+witnesses to the truth of the story this time; many an Amastrian
+here in Athens would remember the fight of Sisinnes.
+
+One more story, that of Abauchas, and I have done. Abauchas once
+arrived in the capital of the Borysthenians, with his wife, of whom
+he was extremely fond, and two children; one, a boy, was still at
+the breast, the other was a girl of seven. With him also was his
+friend Gyndanes, who was still suffering from the effects of a
+wound he had received on the journey: they had been attacked by
+some robbers, and Gyndanes in resisting them had been stabbed in
+the thigh, and was still unable to stand on account of the pain.
+One night they were all asleep in the upper story, when a
+tremendous fire broke out; the whole building was wrapped in
+flames, and every means of exit blocked. Abauchas started up, and
+leaving his sobbing children, and shaking off his wife, who clung
+to him and implored him to save her, he caught up his friend in his
+arms, and just managed to force his way down without being utterly
+consumed by the flames. His wife followed, carrying the boy, and
+bade the girl come after her; but, scorched almost to a cinder, she
+was compelled to drop the child from her arms, and barely succeeded
+in leaping through the flames; the little girl too only just
+escaped with her life. Abauchas was afterwards reproached with
+having abandoned his own wife and children to rescue Gyndanes. 'I
+can beget other children easily enough,' said he: 'nor was it
+certain how these would turn out: but it would be long before I got
+such another friend as Gyndanes; of his affection I have been
+abundantly satisfied by experience.'
+
+There, Mnesippus, you have _my_ little selection. The next
+thing is to settle whether my hand or your tongue is to be
+amputated. Who is umpire?
+
+_Mne_. Umpire we have none; we forgot that. I tell you what:
+we have wasted our arrows this time, but some other day we will
+appoint an arbitrator, and submit other friendships to his
+judgement; and then off shall come your hand, or out shall come my
+tongue, as the case may be. Perhaps, though, this is rather a
+primitive way of doing things. As you seem to think a great deal of
+friendship, and as I consider it to be the highest blessing of
+humanity, what is there to prevent our vowing eternal friendship on
+the spot? We shall both have the satisfaction of winning then, and
+shall get a substantial prize into the bargain: two right hands
+each instead of one, two tongues, four eyes, four feet;--everything
+in duplicate. The union of two friends--or three, let us say--is
+like Geryon in the pictures: a six-handed, three-headed individual;
+my private opinion is, that there was not one Geryon, but three
+Geryons, all acting in concert, as friends should.
+
+_Tox_. Done with you, then.
+
+_Mne_. And, Toxaris,--we will dispense with the blood-and-
+scimetar ceremony. Our present conversation, and the similarity of
+our aims, are a much better security than that sanguinary cup of
+yours. Friendship, as I take it, should be voluntary, not
+compulsory.
+
+_Tox_. Well said. From this day, I am your friend, you mine; I
+your guest here in Greece, you mine if ever you come to Scythia.
+
+_Mne_. Scythia! I would go further than Scythia, to meet with
+such friends as Toxaris's narratives have shown him to be.
+
+
+
+
+ZEUS CROSS-EXAMINED
+
+_Cyniscus_. _Zeus_
+
+
+_Cyn_. Zeus: I am not going to trouble you with requests for a
+fortune or a throne; you get prayers enough of that sort from other
+people, and from your habit of convenient deafness I gather that
+you experience a difficulty in answering them. But there is one
+thing I should like, which would cost you no trouble to grant.
+
+_Zeus_. Well, Cyniscus? You shall not be disappointed, if your
+expectations are as reasonable as you say.
+
+_Cyn_. I want to ask you a plain question.
+
+_Zeus_. Such a modest petition is soon granted; ask what you
+will.
+
+_Cyn_. Well then: you know your Homer and Hesiod, of course?
+Is it all true that they sing of Destiny and the Fates--that
+whatever they spin for a man at his birth must inevitably come
+about?
+
+_Zeus_. Unquestionably. Nothing is independent of their
+control. From their spindle hangs the life of all created things;
+whose end is predetermined even from the moment of their birth; and
+that law knows no change.
+
+_Cyn_. Then when Homer says, for instance, in another place,
+
+  Lest unto Hell thou go, _outstripping Fate_,
+
+he is talking nonsense, of course?
+
+_Zeus_. Absolute nonsense. Such a thing is impossible: the law
+of the Fates, the thread of Destiny, is over all. No; so long as
+the poets are under the inspiration of the Muses, they speak truth:
+but once let those Goddesses leave them to their own devices, and
+they make blunders and contradict themselves. Nor can we blame
+them: they are but men; how should they know truth, when the
+divinity whose mouthpieces they were is departed from them?
+
+_Cyn_. That point is settled, then. But there is another thing
+I want to know. There are three Fates, are there not,--Clotho,
+Lachesis, and Atropus?
+
+_Zeus_. Quite so.
+
+_Cyn_. But one also hears a great deal about Destiny and
+Fortune. Who are they, and what is the extent of their power? Is it
+equal to that of the Fates? or greater perhaps? People are always
+talking about the insuperable might of Fortune and Destiny.
+
+_Zeus_. It is not proper, Cyniscus, that you should know all.
+But what made you ask me about the Fates?
+
+_Cyn_. Ah, you must tell me one thing more first. Do the Fates
+also control you Gods? Do _you_ depend from their thread?
+
+_Zeus_. We do. Why do you smile?
+
+_Cyn_. I was thinking of that bit in Homer, where he makes you
+address the Gods in council, and threaten to suspend all the world
+from a golden cord. You said, you know, that you would let the cord
+down from Heaven, and all the Gods together, if they liked, might
+take hold of it and try to pull you down, and they would never do
+it: whereas you, if you had a mind to it, could easily pull them up,
+
+  And Earth and Sea withal.
+
+I listened to that passage with shuddering reverence; I was much
+impressed with the idea of your strength. Yet now I understand that
+you and your cord and your threats all depend from a mere cobweb.
+It seems to me Clotho should be the one to boast: she has you
+dangling from her distaff, like a sprat at the end of a fishing-
+line.
+
+_Zeus_. I do not catch the drift of your questions.
+
+_Cyn_. Come, I will speak my mind; and in the name of Destiny
+and the Fates take not my candour amiss. If the case stands thus,
+if the Fates are mistresses of all, and their decisions
+unalterable, then why do men sacrifice to _you_, and bring
+hecatombs, and pray for good at _your_ hands? If our prayers
+can neither save us from evil nor procure us any boon from Heaven,
+I fail to see what we get for our trouble.
+
+_Zeus_. These are nice questions! I see how it is,--you have
+been with the sophists; accursed race! who would deny us all
+concern in human affairs. Yes, these are just the points they
+raise, impiously seeking to pervert mankind from the way of
+sacrifice and prayer: it is all thrown away, forsooth! the Gods
+take no thought for mankind; they have no power on the earth.--Ah
+well; they will be sorry for it some day.
+
+_Cyn_. Now, by Clotho's own spindle, my questions are free
+from all sophistic taint. How it has come about, I know not; but
+one word has brought up another, and the end of it is--there is no
+use in sacrifice. Let us begin again. I will put you a few more
+questions; answer me frankly, but think before you speak, this
+time.
+
+_Zeus_. Well; if you have the time to waste on such
+tomfoolery.
+
+_Cyn_. Everything proceeds from the Fates, you say?
+
+_Zeus_. Yes.
+
+_Cyn_. And is it in your power to unspin what they have spun?
+
+_Zeus_. It is not.
+
+_Cyn_. Shall I proceed, or is the inference clear?
+
+_Zeus_. Oh, clear enough. But you seem to think that people
+sacrifice to us from ulterior motives; that they are driving a
+bargain with us, _buying_ blessings, as it were: not at all;
+it is a disinterested testimony to our superior merit.
+
+_Cyn_. There you are, then. As you say, sacrifice answers no
+useful purpose; it is just our good-natured way of acknowledging
+your superiority. And mind you, if we had a sophist here, he would
+want to know all about that superiority. You are our fellow slaves,
+he would say; if the Fates are our mistresses, they are also yours.
+Your immortality will not serve you; that only makes things worse.
+We mortals, after all, are liberated by death: but for you there is
+no end to the evil; that long thread of yours means eternal
+servitude.
+
+_Zeus_. But this eternity is an eternity of happiness; the
+life of Gods is one round of blessings.
+
+_Cyn_. Not all Gods' lives. Even in Heaven there are distinctions,
+not to say mismanagement. _You_ are happy, of course: you are king,
+and you can haul up earth and sea as it were a bucket from the
+well. But look at Hephaestus: a cripple; a common blacksmith. Look
+at Prometheus: _he_ gets nailed up on Caucasus. And I need not
+remind you that your own father lies fettered in Tartarus at this
+hour. It seems, too, that Gods are liable to fall in love; and to
+receive wounds; nay, they may even have to take service with mortal
+men; witness your brother Posidon, and Apollo, servants to Laomedon
+and to Admetus. I see no great happiness in all this; some of you I
+dare say have a very pleasant time of it, but not so others. I
+might have added, that you are subject to robbery like the rest of
+us; your temples get plundered, and the richest of you becomes a
+pauper in the twinkling of an eye. To more than one of you it has
+even happened to be melted down, if he was a gold or a silver God.
+All destiny, of course.
+
+_Zeus_. Take care, Cyniscus: you are going too far. You will
+repent of this one day.
+
+_Cyn_. Spare your threats: you know that nothing can happen to
+me, except what Fate has settled first. I notice, for instance,
+that even temple-robbers do not always get punished; most of them,
+indeed, slip through your hands. Not destined to be caught, I
+suppose.
+
+_Zeus_. I knew it! you are one of those who would abolish
+Providence.
+
+_Cyn_. You seem to be very much afraid of these gentlemen, for
+some reason. Not one word can I say, but you must think I picked it
+up from them. Oblige me by answering another question; I could
+desire no better authority than yours. What is this Providence? Is
+she a Fate too? or some greater, a mistress of the Fates?
+
+_Zeus_. I have already told you that there are things which it
+is not proper for you to know. You said you were only going to ask
+me one question, instead of which you go on quibbling without end.
+I see what it is you are at: you want to make out that we Gods take
+no thought for human affairs.
+
+_Cyn_. It is nothing to do with me: it was you who said just
+now that the Fates ordained everything. Have you thought better of
+it? Are you going to retract what you said? Are the Gods going to
+push Destiny aside and make a bid for government?
+
+_Zeus_. Not at all; but the Fates work _through us_.
+
+_Cyn_. I see: you are their servants, their underlings. But
+that comes to the same thing: it is still they who design; you are
+only their tools, their instruments.
+
+_Zeus_. How do you make that out?
+
+_Cyn_. I suppose it is pretty much the same as with a carpenter's
+adze and drill: they do assist him in his work, but no one would
+describe them as the workmen; we do not say that a ship has been
+turned out by such and such an adze, or by such and such a drill;
+we name the shipwright. In the same way, Destiny and the Fates are
+the universal shipwrights, and you are their drills and adzes; and
+it seems to me that instead of paying their respects and their
+sacrifices to you, men ought to sacrifice to Destiny, and implore
+_her_ favours; though even that would not meet the case, because I
+take it that things are settled once and for all, and that the
+Fates themselves are not at liberty to chop and change. If some one
+gave the spindle a turn in the wrong direction, and undid all
+Clotho's work, Atropus would have something to say on the subject.
+
+_Zeus_. So! You would deprive even the Fates of honour? You
+seem determined to reduce all to one level. Well, we Gods have at
+least one claim on you: we do prophesy and foretell what the Fates
+haye disposed.
+
+_Cyn_. Now even granting that you do, what is the use of
+knowing what one has to expect, when one can by no possibility take
+any precautions? Are you going to tell me that a man who finds out
+that he is to die by a steel point can escape the doom by shutting
+himself up? Not he. Fate will take him out hunting, and there will
+be his steel: Adrastus will hurl his spear at the boar, miss the
+brute, and get Croesus's son; Fate's inflexible law directs his
+aim. The full absurdity of the thing is seen in the case of Laius:
+
+  Seek not for offspring in the Gods' despite;
+  Beget a child, and thou begett'st thy slayer.
+
+Was not this advice superfluous, seeing that the end must come?
+Accordingly we find that the oracle does not deter Laius from
+begetting a son, nor that son from being his slayer. On the whole,
+I cannot see that your prophecies entitle you to reward, even
+setting aside the obscurity of the oracles, which are generally
+contrived to cut both ways. You omitted to mention, for instance,
+whether Croesus--'the Halys crossed'--should destroy his own or
+Cyrus's mighty realm.' It might be either, so far as the oracle
+goes.
+
+_Zeus_. Apollo was angry with Croesus. When Croesus boiled
+that lamb and tortoise together in the cauldron, he was making
+trial of Apollo.
+
+_Cyn_. Gods ought not to be angry. After all, I suppose it was
+fated that the Lydian should misinterpret that oracle; his case
+only serves to illustrate that general ignorance of the future,
+which Destiny has appointed for mankind. At that rate, your
+prophetic power too seems to be in her hands.
+
+_Zeus_. You leave us nothing, then? We exercise no control, we
+are not entitled to sacrifice, we are very drills and adzes. But
+you may well despise me: why do I sit here listening to all this,
+with my thunder-bolt beneath my arm?
+
+_Cyn_. Nay, smite, if the thunder-bolt is my destiny. I shall
+think none the worse of you; I shall know it is all Clotho's doing;
+I will not even blame the bolt that wounds me. And by the way--
+talking of thunder-bolts--there is one thing I will ask you and
+Destiny to explain; you can answer for her. Why is it that you
+leave all the pirates and temple-robbers and ruffians and perjurers
+to themselves, and direct your shafts (as you are always doing)
+against an oak-tree or a stone or a harmless mast, or even an
+honest, God-fearing traveller? ... No answer? Is this one of the
+things it is not proper for me to know?
+
+_Zeus_. It is, Cyniscus. You are a meddlesome fellow; I don't
+know where you picked up all these ideas.
+
+_Cyn_. Well, I suppose I must not ask you all (Providence and
+Destiny and you) why honest Phocion died in utter poverty and
+destitution, like Aristides before him, while those two unwhipped
+puppies, Callias and Alcibiades, and the ruffian Midias, and that
+Aeginetan libertine Charops, who starved his own mother to death,
+were all rolling in money? nor again why Socrates was handed over
+to the Eleven instead of Meletus? nor yet why the effeminate
+Sardanapalus was a king, and one high-minded Persian after another
+went to the cross for refusing to countenance his doings? I say
+nothing of our own days, in which villains and money-grubbers
+prosper, and honest men are oppressed with want and sickness and a
+thousand distresses, and can hardly call their souls their own.
+
+_Zeus_. Surely you know, Cyniscus, what punishments await the
+evil-doers after death, and how happy will be the lot of the
+righteous?
+
+_Cyn_. Ah, to be sure: Hades--Tityus--Tantalus. Whether there
+is such a place as Hades, I shall be able to satisfy myself when I
+die. In the meantime, I had rather live a pleasant life here, and
+have a score or so of vultures at my liver when I am dead, than
+thirst like Tantalus in this world, on the chance of drinking with
+the heroes in the Isles of the Blest, and reclining in the fields
+of Elysium.
+
+_Zeus_. What! you doubt that there are punishments and rewards
+to come? You doubt of that judgement-seat before which every soul
+is arraigned?
+
+_Cyn_. I _have_ heard mention of a judge in that connexion; one
+Minos, a Cretan. Ah, yes, tell me about him: they say he is your
+son?
+
+_Zeus_. And what of him?
+
+_Cyn_. Whom does he punish in particular?
+
+_Zeus_. Whom but the wicked? Murderers, for instance, and
+temple-robbers.
+
+_Cyn_. And whom does he send to dwell with the heroes?
+
+_Zeus_. Good men and God-fearing, who have led virtuous lives.
+
+_Cyn_. Why?
+
+_Zeus_. Because they deserve punishment and reward
+respectively.
+
+_Cyn_. Suppose a man commits a crime accidentally: does he
+punish him just the same?
+
+_Zeus_. Certainly not.
+
+_Cyn_. Similarly, if a man involuntarily performed a good
+action, he would not reward him?
+
+_Zeus_. No.
+
+_Cyn_. Then there is no one for him to reward or punish.
+
+_Zeus_. How so?
+
+_Cyn_. Why, we men do nothing of our own free will: we are
+obeying an irresistible impulse,--that is, if there is any truth in
+what we settled just now, about Fate's being the cause of
+everything. Does a man commit a murder? Fate is the murderess. Does
+he rob a temple? He has her instructions for it. So if there is
+going to be any justice in Minos's sentences, he will punish
+Destiny, not Sisyphus; Fate, not Tantalus. What harm did these men
+do? They only obeyed orders.
+
+_Zeus_. I am not going to speak to you any more. You are an
+unscrupulous man; a sophist. I shall go away and leave you to
+yourself.
+
+_Cyn_. I wanted to ask you where the Fates lived; and how they
+managed to attend to all the details of such a vast mass of
+business, just those three. I do not envy them their lot; they must
+have a busy time of it, with so much on their hands. Their destiny,
+apparently, is no better than other people's. I would not exchange
+with them, if I had the choice; I had rather be poorer than I am,
+than sit before such a spindleful, watching every thread.--But
+never mind, if you would rather not answer. Your previous replies
+have quite cleared up my doubts about Destiny and Providence; and
+for the rest, I expect I was not destined to hear it.
+
+
+
+
+ZEUS TRAGOEDUS
+
+
+_Hermes. Hera. Colossus. Heracles. Athene. Posidon. Momus.
+Hermagoras. Zeus. Aphrodite. Apollo, Timocles. Damis_
+
+  _Herm_. Wherefore thus brooding, Zeus? wherefore apart,
+  And palely pacing, as Earth's sages use?
+  Let me thy counsel know, thy cares partake;
+  And find thy comfort in a faithful fool.
+
+  _Ath_. Cronides, lord of lords, and all our sire,
+  I clasp thy knees; grant thou what I require;
+  A boon the lightning-eyed Tritonia asks:
+  Speak, rend the veil thy secret thought that masks;
+  Reveal what care thy mind within thee gnaws,
+  Blanches thy cheek, and this deep moaning draws.
+
+  _Zeus_. Speech hath no utterance of surpassing fear,
+  Tragedy holds no misery or woe,
+  But our divinest essence soon shall taste.
+
+  _Ath_. Alas, how dire a prelude to thy tale!
+
+  _Zeus_. O brood maleficent, teemed from Earth's dark womb!
+  And thou, Prometheus, how hast thou wrought me woe!
+
+  _Ath_. Possess us; are not we thine own familiars?
+
+  _Zeus_. With a whirr and a crash
+  Let the levin-bolt dash--
+   Ah, whither?
+
+_Hera_. A truce to your passion, Zeus. _We_ have not these good
+people's gift for farce or recitation; _we_ have not swallowed
+Euripides whole, and cannot play up to you. Do you suppose we do
+not know how to account for your annoyance?
+
+_Zeus_. Thou knowst not; else thy waitings had been loud.
+
+_Hera_. Don't tell me; it's a love affair; that's what's the
+matter with you. However, you won't have any 'wailings' from me; I
+am too much hardened to neglect. I suppose you have discovered some
+new Danae or Semele or Europa whose charms are troubling you; and
+so you are meditating a transformation into a bull or satyr, or a
+descent through the roof into your beloved's bosom as a shower of
+gold; all the symptoms--your groans and your tears and your white
+face--point to love and nothing else.
+
+_Zeus_. Happy ignorance, that sees not what perils now forbid
+love and such toys!
+
+_Hera_. Is your name Zeus, or not? and, if so, what else can
+possibly annoy you but love?
+
+_Zeus_. Hera, our condition is most precarious; it is touch-
+and-go, as they call it, whether we are still to enjoy reverence
+and honour from the earth, or be utterly neglected and become of no
+account.
+
+_Hera_. Has Earth produced a new brood of giants? Have the
+Titans broken their chains, overpowered their guards, and taken up
+arms against us once more?
+
+_Zeus_. Nay, fear not that; Hell threatens not the Gods.
+
+_Hera_. What can the matter be, then? To hear you, one might
+think it was Polus or Aristodemus, not Zeus; and why, pray, if
+something of that sort is not bothering you?
+
+_Zeus_. My dear, a discussion somehow arose yesterday between
+Timocles the Stoic and Damis the Epicurean; there was a numerous
+and respectable audience (which particularly annoyed me), and they
+had an argument on the subject of Providence. Damis questioned the
+existence of the Gods, and utterly denied their interest in or
+government of events, while Timocles, good man, did his best to
+champion our cause. A great crowd gathered round; but no conclusion
+was reached. They broke up with an understanding that the inquiry
+should be completed another day; and now they are all agog to see
+which will win and prove his case. You all see how parlous and
+precarious is our position, depending on a single mortal. These are
+the alternatives for us: to be dismissed as mere empty names, or
+(if Timocles prevails) to enjoy our customary honours.
+
+_Hera_. This is really a serious matter; your ranting was not
+so uncalled-for, Zeus.
+
+_Zeus_. You fancied me thinking of some Danae or Antiope; and
+this was the dread reality. Now, Hermes, Hera, Athene, what is our
+course? We await your contribution to our plans.
+
+_Herm_. My opinion is that an assembly be summoned and the
+community taken into counsel.
+
+_Hera_. And I concur.
+
+_Ath_. Sire, I dissent entirely; you should not fill Heaven
+with apprehensions, nor let your own uneasiness be visible, but
+take private measures to assure Timocles's victory and Damis's
+being laughed out of court.
+
+_Herm_. It cannot be kept quiet, Zeus; the philosophers'
+debate is public, and you will be accused of despotic methods, if
+you maintain reserve on a matter of so great and general interest.
+
+_Zeus_. Make proclamation and summon all, then. I approve your
+judgement.
+
+_Herm_. Here, assemble, all ye Gods; don't waste time, come
+along, here you are; we are going to have an important meeting.
+
+_Zeus_. What, Hermes? so bald, so plain, so prosy an
+announcement--on this momentous occasion?
+
+_Herm_. Why, how would you like it done?
+
+_Zeus_. Some metre, a little poetic sonority, would make the
+style impressive, and they would be more likely to come.
+
+_Herm_. Ah, Zeus, that is work for epic poets or reciters, and
+I am no good at poetry. I should be sure to put in too many feet,
+or leave out some, and spoil the thing; they would only laugh at my
+rude verses. Why, I've known Apollo himself laughed at for some of
+his oracles; and prophecy has the advantage of obscurity, which
+gives the hearers something better to do than scanning verses.
+
+_Zeus_. Well, well, Hermes, you can make lines from Homer the
+chief ingredient of your composition; summon us in his words; you
+remember them, of course.
+
+_Herm_. I cannot say they are exactly on the tip of my tongue;
+however, I'll do my best:
+
+  Let ne'er a God (tum, tum), nor eke a Goddess,
+  Nor yet of Ocean's rivers one be wanting,
+  Nor nymphs; but gather to great Zeus's council;
+  And all that feast on glorious hecatombs,
+  Yea, middle and lower classes of Divinity,
+  Or nameless ones that snuff fat altar-fumes
+
+_Zeus_. Good, Hermes; that is an excellent proclamation: see,
+here they come pell-mell; now receive and place them in correct
+precedence, according to their material or workmanship; gold in the
+front row, silver next, then the ivory ones, then those of stone or
+bronze. A cross-division will give precedence to the creations of
+Phidias, Alcamenes, Myron, Euphranor, and artists of that calibre,
+while the common inartistic jobs can be huddled together in the far
+corner, hold their tongues, and just make up the rank and file of
+our assembly.
+
+_Herm_. All right; they shall have their proper places. But
+here is a point: suppose one of them is gold, and heavy at that,
+but not finely finished, quite amateurish and ill proportioned, in
+fact--is he to take precedence of Myron's and Polyclitus's bronze,
+or Phidias's and Alcamenes's marble? or is workmanship to count
+most?
+
+_Zeus_. It should by rights. Never mind, put the gold first.
+
+_Herm_. I see; property qualification, comparative wealth, is
+the test, not merit.--Gold to the front row, please.--Zeus, the
+front row will be exclusively barbarian, I observe. You see the
+peculiarity of the Greek contingent: they have grace and beauty and
+artistic workmanship, but they are all marble or bronze--the most
+costly of them only ivory with just an occasional gleam of gold,
+the merest surface-plating; and even those are wood inside,
+harbouring whole colonies of mice. Whereas Bendis here, Anubis
+there, Attis next door, and Mithras and Men, are all of solid gold,
+heavy and intrinsically precious.
+
+_Pos_. Hermes, is it in order that this dog-faced Egyptian
+person should sit in front of me, Posidon?
+
+_Herm_. Certainly. You see, Earth-shaker, the Corinthians had
+no gold at the time, so Lysippus made you of paltry bronze; Dog-
+face is a whole gold-mine richer than you. You must put up with
+being moved back, and not object to the owner of such a golden
+snout being preferred.
+
+_Aph_. Then, Hermes, find me a place in the front row; I am
+golden.
+
+_Herm_. Not so, Aphrodite, if I can trust my eyes; I am
+purblind, or you are white marble; you were quarried, I take it,
+from Pentelicus, turned by Praxiteles's fancy into Aphrodite, and
+handed over to the Cnidians.
+
+_Aph_. Wait; my witness is unexceptionable--Homer. 'The Golden
+Aphrodite' he calls me, up and down his poems.
+
+_Herm_. Oh, yes, no doubt; _he_ called Apollo rich, 'rolling in
+gold'; but now where will you find Apollo? Somewhere in the
+third-class seats; his crown has been taken off and his harp pegs
+stolen by the pirates, you see. So _you_ may think yourself lucky
+with a place above the fourth.
+
+_Col_. Well, who will dare dispute _my_ claim? Am I not
+the Sun? and look at my height. If the Rhodians had not decided on
+such grandiose dimensions for me, the same outlay would have
+furnished forth a round dozen of your golden Gods; I ought to be
+valued proportionally. And then, besides the size, there is the
+workmanship and careful finish.
+
+_Herm_. What shall I do, Zeus? Here is a difficulty again--too
+much for me. Going by material, he is bronze; but, reckoning the
+talents his bronze cost, he would be above the first class.
+
+_Zeus_. What business has he here dwarfing the rest and
+blocking up all the bench?--Why, my excellent Rhodian, you may be
+as superior to the golden ones as you will; but how can you
+possibly go in the front row? Every one would have to get up, to
+let you sit; half that broad beam of yours would fill the whole
+House. I must ask you to assist our deliberations standing; you can
+bend down your head to the meeting.
+
+_Herm_. Now here is another problem. Both bronze, equal
+aesthetically, being both from Lysippus's studio, and, to crown
+all, nothing to choose between them for birth--two sons of yours,
+Zeus--Dionysus and Heracles. Which is to be first? You can see for
+yourself, they mean to stand upon their order.
+
+_Zeus_. We are wasting time, Hermes; the debate should have
+been in full swing by now. Tell them to sit anyhow, according to
+taste; we will have an _ad hoc_ meeting another day, and then
+I shall know how to settle the question of precedence.
+
+_Herm_. My goodness, what a noise! what low vulgar bawling!
+listen--'Hurry up with that carving!' 'Do pass the nectar!' 'Why no
+more ambrosia?' 'When are those hecatombs coming?' 'Here, shares in
+that victim!'
+
+_Zeus_. Call them to order, Hermes; this nonsense must cease,
+before I can give them the order of the day.
+
+_Herm_. They do not all know Greek; and I haven't the gift of
+tongues, to make myself understood by Scythians and Persians and
+Thracians and Celts. Perhaps I had better hold up my hand and
+signal for silence.
+
+_Zeus_. Do.
+
+_Herm_. Good; they are as quiet as if they were so many
+teachers of elocution. Now is the time for your speech; see, they
+are all hanging on your lips.
+
+_Zeus_. Why--there is something wrong with me--Hermes, my boy
+--I will be frank with you. You know how confident and impressive I
+always was as a public speaker?
+
+_Herm_. I know; I used to be in such a fright; you threatened
+sometimes to let down your golden cord and heave up earth and sea
+from their foundations, Gods included.
+
+_Zeus_. But to-day, my child--it may be this terrible crisis--
+it may be the size of the audience--there is a vast number of Gods
+here, isn't there--anyhow, my thoughts are all mixed, I shiver, my
+tongue seems tied. What is most absurd of all, my exordium is gone
+clean out of my head; and I had prepared it on purpose to produce a
+good impression at the start.
+
+_Herm_. You have spoiled everything, Zeus. They cannot make
+out your silence; they are expecting to hear of some terrible
+disaster, to account for your delay.
+
+_Zeus_. What do you think? Reel off the exordium in Homer?
+
+_Herm_. Which one?
+
+_Zeus_. Lend me your ears, Gods all and Goddesses.
+
+_Herm_. Rubbish! you made quite exhibition enough of yourself
+in that vein in our cabinet council. However, you might, if
+you like, drop your metrical fustian, and adapt any one of
+Demosthenes's Philippics with a few alterations. That is the
+fashionable method with speakers nowadays.
+
+_Zeus_. Ah, that is a royal road to eloquence--simplifies
+matters very much for a man in difficulties.
+
+_Herm_. Go ahead, then.
+
+_Zeus_. Men of--Heaven, I presume that you would be willing to
+pay a great price, if you could know what in the world has
+occasioned the present summons. Which being so, it is fitting that
+you should give a ready hearing to my words. Now, whereas the
+present crisis, Heavenians, may almost be said to lift up a voice
+and bid us take vigorous hold on opportunity, it seems to me that
+we are letting it slip from our nerveless grasp. And I wish now (I
+can't remember any more) to exhibit clearly to you the apprehensions
+which have led to my summoning you.
+
+As you are all aware, Mnesitheus the ship's-captain yesterday made
+his votive offering for the narrow escape of his vessel off
+Caphereus, and those of us whom he had invited attended the banquet
+in Piraeus. After the libations you went your several ways. I
+myself, as it was not very late, walked up to town for an afternoon
+stroll in Ceramicus, reflecting as I went on the parsimony of
+Mnesitheus. When the ship was driving against the cliff, and
+already inside the circle of reef, he had vowed whole hecatombs:
+what he offered in fact, with sixteen Gods to entertain, was a
+single cock--an old bird afflicted with catarrh--and half a dozen
+grains of frankincense; these were all mildewed, so that they at
+once fizzled out on the embers, hardly giving enough smoke to
+tickle the olfactories. Engaged in these thoughts I reached the
+Poecile, and there found a great crowd gathered; there were some
+inside the Portico, a large number outside, and a few seated on the
+benches vociferating as loud as they could. Guessing correctly that
+these were philosophers of the militant variety, I had a mind to
+stop and hear what they were saying. I was enveloped in a good
+thick cloud, under cover of which I assumed their habit, lengthened
+my beard, and so made a passable philosopher; then I elbowed my way
+through the crowd and got in undetected. I found an accomplished
+scoundrel and a pattern of human virtue at daggers drawn; they were
+Damis the Epicurean and Timocles the Stoic. The latter was bathed
+in perspiration, and his voice showed signs of wear, while Damis
+goaded him on to further exertions with mocking laughter.
+
+The bone of contention was ourselves. Damis--the reptile!--
+maintained that we did not concern ourselves in thought or act with
+human affairs, and practically denied our existence; that was what
+it came to. And he found some support. Timocles was on our side,
+and loyally, passionately, unshrinkingly did he champion the cause;
+he extolled our Providence, and illustrated the orderly discerning
+character of our influence and government. He too had his party;
+but he was exhausted and quite husky; and the majority were
+inclining to Damis. I saw how much was at stake, and ordered Night
+to come on and break up the meeting. They accordingly dispersed,
+agreeing to conclude the inquiry next day. I kept among the crowd
+on its way home, heard its commendations of Damis, and found that
+his views were far the more popular, though some still protested
+against condemning Timocles out of hand, and preferred to see what
+he would say for himself to-morrow.
+
+You now know the occasion of this meeting--no light one, ye Gods,
+if you reflect how entirely our dignity, our revenue, our honour,
+depend on mankind. If they should accept as true either our
+absolute non-existence or, short of that, our indifference to them,
+farewell to our earthly sacrifices, attributes, honours; we shall
+sit starving and ineffectual in Heaven; our beloved feasts and
+assemblies, games and sacrifices, vigils and processions--all will
+be no more. So mighty is the issue; believe me, it behoves us all
+to search out salvation; and where lies salvation? In the victory
+and acceptance of Timocles, in laughter that shall drown the voice
+of Damis. For I doubt the unaided powers of Timocles, if our help
+be not accorded him.
+
+Hermes, make formal proclamation, and let the debate commence.
+
+_Herm_. Hear, keep silence, clamour not. Of full and qualified
+Gods, speak who will. Why, what means this? Doth none rise? Cower
+ye confounded at these momentous tidings?
+
+_Mo_.
+
+  Away, ye dull as earth, as water weak!
+
+But _I_ could find plenty to say, Zeus, if free speech were
+granted me.
+
+_Zeus_. Speak, Momus, and fear not. You will use your freedom,
+surely, for the common good.
+
+_Mo_. Hear, then, ye Gods; for out of the abundance of the
+heart the mouth speaketh. You must know, I foresaw all this
+clearly--our difficulty--the growth of these agitators; it is
+ourselves who are responsible for their impudence; I swear to you,
+we need not blame Epicurus nor his friends and successors, for the
+prevalence of these ideas. Why, what can one expect men to think,
+when they see all life topsy-turvy--the good neglected, pining in
+poverty, disease, and slavery, detestable scoundrels honoured,
+rolling in wealth, and ordering their betters about, temple-robbers
+undetected and unpunished, the innocent constantly crucified and
+bastinadoed? With this evidence before them, it is only natural
+they should conclude against our existence. All the more when they
+hear the oracles saying that some one
+
+  The Halys crossed, o'erthrows a mighty realm,
+  but not specifying whether that realm is his own or his enemy's;
+
+or again
+
+  O sacred Salamis, thou shalt slay
+  Full many a mother's son.
+
+The Greeks were mothers' sons as well as the Persians, I suppose.
+Or again, when they hear the ballads about our loves, our wounds,
+captivities, thraldoms, quarrels, and endless vicissitudes (mark
+you, we claim all the while to be blissful and serene), are they
+not justified in ridiculing and belittling us? And then we say it
+is outrageous if a few people who are not quite fools expose the
+absurdity and reject Providence; why, we ought to be glad enough
+that a few still go on sacrificing to blunderers like us.
+
+And at this point, Zeus--this meeting is private; the human element
+is not represented among us (except by Heracles, Dionysus,
+Ganymede, and Asclepius, and they are naturalized)--at this point,
+answer me a question frankly: did your interest in mankind ever
+carry you so far as to sift the good from the bad? The answer is in
+the negative, I know. Very well, then; had not a Theseus, on his
+way from Troezen to Athens, exterminated the malefactors as an
+incidental amusement, Sciron and Pityocamptes and Cercyon and the
+rest of them might have gone on battening on the slaughter of
+travellers, for all you and your Providence would have done. Had
+not an old-fashioned thoughtful Eurystheus, benevolently collecting
+information of local troubles, sent this energetic enterprising
+servant of his about, the mighty Zeus would never have given a
+thought to the Hydra or the Stymphalian birds, the Thracian horses
+and the drunken insolence of Centaurs.
+
+If the truth must out, we sit here with a single eye to one thing--
+does a man sacrifice and feed the altars fat? Everything else
+drifts as it may. We get our deserts, and shall continue to get
+them, when men open their eyes by degrees and find that sacrifices
+and processions bring them no profit. Before long you will find we
+are the laughing-stock of people like Epicurus, Metrodorus, Damis,
+who will have mastered and muzzled our advocates. With whom does it
+lie to check and remedy this state of things? Why, with you, who
+have brought it on. As for Momus, what is dishonour to him? He was
+never among the recipients of honour, while you were still
+prosperous; your banquetings were too exclusive.
+
+_Zeus_. He was ever a cross-grained censor; we need not mind
+his maundering, Gods. We have it from the admirable Demosthenes:
+imputations, blame, criticism, these are easy things; they tax no
+one's capacity: what calls for a statesman is the suggesting of a
+better course; and that is what I rely upon the rest of you for;
+let us do our best without his help.
+
+_Pos_. As for me, I live ordinarily under water, as you know,
+and follow an independent policy in the depths; that policy is to
+save sailors, set ships on their way, and keep the winds quiet, as
+best I may. However, I do take an interest in your politics too,
+and my opinion is that this Damis should be got rid of before the
+debate; the thunderbolt would do it, or some means could be found;
+else he might win--you say he is a plausible fellow, Zeus. It would
+teach them that there is a reckoning for telling such tales about
+us, too.
+
+_Zeus_. You must be jesting, Posidon; you cannot have forgotten
+that we have no say in the matter? It is the Fates that spin a
+man's thread, whether he be destined to the thunderbolt or the
+sword, to fever or consumption. If it had depended on me, do you
+suppose I should have let those temple-robbers get off unblasted
+from Pisa the other day?--two of my curls shorn off, weighing half
+a dozen pounds apiece. Would _you_ have stood it, when that
+fisherman from Oreus stole your trident at Geraestus? Moreover,
+they will think we are sensitive and angry; they will suspect that
+the reason why we get the man out of the way without waiting to see
+him matched with Timocles is that we are afraid of his arguments;
+they will say we are just securing judgement by default.
+
+_Pos_. Dear, dear! I thought I had hit upon a good short cut
+to our object.
+
+_Zeus_. Nonsense, there is something fishy about it, Posidon;
+and it is a dull notion too, to destroy your adversary beforehand;
+he dies unvanquished, and leaves his argument behind him still
+debatable and undecided.
+
+_Pos_. Then the rest of you must think of something better, if
+'fishy' is the best word you have for me.
+
+_Apol_. If we beardless juniors were competent to address the
+meeting, _I_ might perhaps have contributed usefully to the
+discussion.
+
+_Mo_. Oh, Apollo, the inquiry is so important that seniority
+may be waived, and any one allowed his say; a pretty thing to split
+hairs about legal competence at a supreme crisis! But _you_
+are surely qualified by this time; your minority is prehistoric,
+your name is on the Privy-Council roll, your senatorial rank dates
+back almost to Cronus. Pray spare us these juvenile airs, and give
+us your views freely; you need not be bashful about your smooth
+chin; you have a father's rights in Asclepius's great bush of a
+beard. Moreover, you never had a better opportunity of showing your
+wisdom, if your philosophic _seances_ with the Muses on Helicon
+have not been thrown away.
+
+_Apol_. Why, it does not lie with you to give me leave, Momus;
+Zeus must do that; and if he bids, I may find words that shall be
+not all uncultured, but worthy of my Heliconian studies.
+
+_Zeus_. Speak, son; thou hast my leave.
+
+_Apol_. This Timocles is a good pious man, and an excellent
+Stoic scholar; his learning has gained him a wide and paying
+connexion among young men; in private lessons his manner is indeed
+very convincing. But in public speaking he is timid, cannot produce
+his voice, and has a provincial accent; the consequence is, he gets
+laughed at in company, lacks fluency, stammers and loses his
+thread--especially when he emphasizes these defects by an attempt
+at flowers of speech. As far as intelligence goes, he is extremely
+acute and subtle, so the Stoic experts say; but he spoils it all by
+the feebleness of his oral explanations; he is confused and
+unintelligible, deals in paradoxes, and when he is interrogated,
+explains _ignotum per ignotius_; his audience does not grasp
+his meaning, and therefore laughs at him. I think lucidity a most
+important point; there is nothing one should be so careful about as
+to be comprehensible.
+
+_Mo_. You praise lucidity, Apollo; your theory is excellent,
+though your practice does not quite conform; your oracles are
+crooked and enigmatic, and generally rely upon a safe ambiguity; a
+second prophet is required to say what they mean. But what is your
+solution of the problem? How are we to cure Timocles of the
+impediment in his speech?
+
+_Apol_. If possible, we should provide him with an able
+counsel (there are plenty such) to be inspired by him and give
+adequate expression to his ideas.
+
+_Mo_. Your sapience is beardless indeed--_in statu pupillari_, one
+may say. A learned gathering: Timocles with counsel by his side to
+interpret his ideas. Damis speaking _in propria persona_ with his
+own tongue, his opponent employing a go-between into whose ears he
+privately pours inspiration, and the go-between producing ornate
+periods, without, I dare say, understanding what he is told--most
+entertaining for the listeners! We shall get nothing out of that
+device.
+
+But, reverend sir, you claim the gift of prophecy, and it has
+brought you in good pay--golden ingots on one occasion?--why not
+seize this opportunity of exhibiting your art? You might tell us
+which of the disputants will win; a prophet knows the future, of
+course.
+
+_Apol_. I have no tripod or incense here; no substitute for
+the divining-well of Castaly.
+
+_Mo_. Aha! you are caught! you will not come to the scratch.
+
+_Zeus_. Speak, my son, in spite of all; give not this enemy
+occasion to blaspheme; let him not flout thy powers with tripod and
+water and frankincense, as though thine art were lost without them.
+
+_Apol_. Father, it were better done at Delphi or at Colophon,
+with all the customary instruments to hand. Yet, bare and
+unprovided as I am, I will essay to tell whether of them twain
+shall prevail.--If the metre is a little rough, you must make
+allowances.
+
+_Mo_. Go on, then; but remember, Apollo: lucidity; no 'able
+counsel,' no solutions that want solving themselves. It is not a
+question of lamb and tortoise boiling [Footnote: See _Croesus_
+in Notes.] in Lydia now; you know what we want to get at.
+
+_Zeus_. What will thine utterance be? How dread, even now, is
+the making ready! The altered hue, the rolling eyes, the floating
+locks, the frenzied gesture--all is possession, horror, mystery.
+
+_Apol_.
+
+  Who lists may hear Apollo's soothfast rede
+  Of stiff debate, heroic challenge ringing
+  Shrill, and each headpiece lined with fence of proof.
+  Alternate clack the strokes in whirling strife;
+  Sore buffeted, quakes and shivers heart of oak.
+  But when grasshopper feels the vulture's talons,
+  Then the storm-boding ravens croak their last,
+  Prevail the mules, butts his swift foals the ass.
+
+_Zeus_. Why that ribald laughter, Momus? It is no laughing
+matter. Stop, stop, fool; you'll choke yourself.
+
+_Mo_. Well, such a clear simple oracle puts one in spirits.
+
+_Zeus_. Indeed? Then perhaps you will kindly expound it.
+
+_Mo_. No need of a Themistocles this time; it is absolutely
+plain. The oracle just says in so many words that he is a quack,
+and we pack-asses (quite true) and mules to believe in him; we have
+not as much sense, it adds, as a grasshopper.
+
+_Herac_. Father, I am only an alien, but I am not afraid to
+give my opinion. Let them begin their debate. Then, if Timocles
+gets the best of it, we can let the meeting go on, in our own
+interest; on the other hand, if things look bad, I will give the
+Portico a shake, if you like, and bring it down on Damis; a
+confounded fellow like that is not to insult us.
+
+_Zeus_. Now by Heracles--I can swear by you, I certainly
+cannot swear by your plan--what a crude--what a shockingly
+philistine suggestion! What! destroy all those people for one man's
+wickedness? and the Portico thrown in, with the Miltiades and
+Cynaegirus on the field of Marathon? Why, if these were ruined, how
+could the orators ever make another speech, with the best of their
+stock-in-trade taken from them? Besides, while you were alive, you
+might possibly have done a thing like that; but now that you are a
+God, you surely understand that only the Fates are competent, and
+we cannot interfere?
+
+_Herac_. Then when I slew the lion or the Hydra, was I only
+the Fates' instrument?
+
+_Zeus_. Of course you were.
+
+_Herac_. And now, suppose any one insults me, or robs my
+temple, or upsets an image of me, am I not to pulverize him, just
+because the Fates have not decreed it long ago?
+
+_Zeus_. Certainly not.
+
+_Herac_. Then allow me to speak my mind;
+
+  I'm a blunt man; I call a spade a spade.
+
+If this is the state of things with you, good-bye for me to your
+honours and altar-steam and fat of victims; I shall be off to
+Hades. There, if I show my bow ready for action, the ghosts of the
+monsters I have slain will be frightened, at least.
+
+_Zeus_. Oh, splendid! 'Thine own lips testify against thee,'
+says the book; you would have saved Damis some trouble by putting
+this in his mouth.
+
+But who is this breathless messenger? Bronze--a nice clean figure
+and outline--_chevelure_ rather out of date. Ah, he must be
+your brother, Hermes, who stands in the Market by the Poecile; I
+see he is all over pitch; that is what comes of having casts taken
+of you every day. My son, why this haste? Have you important news
+from Earth?
+
+_Hermag_. Momentous news, calling for infinite energy.
+
+_Zeus_. Speak, tarry not, if any peril else hath escaped our
+vigilance.
+
+_Hermag_.
+
+  It chanced of late that by the statuaries
+  My breast and back were plastered o'er with pitch;
+  A mock cuirass tight-clinging hung, to ape
+  My bronze, and take the seal of its impression.
+  When lo, a crowd! therein a pallid pair
+  Sparring amain, vociferating logic;
+  'Twas Damis and--
+
+_Zeus_. Truce to your iambics, my excellent Hermagoras; I know
+the pair. But tell me whether the fight has been going on long.
+
+_Hermag_. Not yet; they were still skirmishing--slinging
+invective at long range.
+
+_Zeus_. Then we have only, Gods, to look over and listen. Let
+the Hours unbar, draw back the clouds, and open the doors of
+Heaven.
+
+Upon my word, what a vast gathering! And I do not quite like the
+looks of Timocles; he is trembling; he has lost his head; he will
+spoil everything; it is perfectly plain, he will not be able to
+stand up to Damis. Well, there is one thing left us: we can pray
+for him
+
+  Inwardly, silently, lest Damis hear.
+
+_Ti. What, you miscreant, no Gods? no Providence?
+
+Da. No, no; you answer my question first; what makes you believe in
+them?
+
+Ti. None of that, now; the_ onus probandi _is with you,
+scoundrel.
+
+Da. None of that, now; it is with you.
+
+Zeus_. At this game ours is much the better man--louder-voiced,
+rougher-tempered. Good, Timocles; stick to invective; that is your
+strong point; once you get off that, he will hook and hold you up
+like a fish.
+
+_Ti. I solemnly swear I will not answer first.
+
+Da. Well, put your questions, then; so much you score by your oath.
+But no abuse, please.
+
+Ti. Done. Tell me, then, and be damned to you, do you deny that the
+Gods exercise providence?
+
+Da. I do.
+
+Ti. What, are all the events we see uncontrolled, then?
+
+Da. Yes.
+
+Ti. And the regulation of the universe is not under any God's care?
+
+Da. No.
+
+Ti. And everything moves casually, by blind tendency?
+
+Da. Yes.
+
+Ti. Gentlemen, can you tolerate such sentiments? Stone the
+blasphemer.
+
+Da. What do you mean by hounding them against me? Who are you, that
+you should protest in the Gods' name? They do not even protest in
+their own; they have sent no judgement on me, and they have had
+time enough to hear me, if they have ears.
+
+Ti. They do hear you; they do; and some day their vengeance will
+find you out.
+
+Da. Pray when are they likely to have time to spare for me? They
+are far too busy, according to you, with all the infinite concerns
+of the universe on their hands. That is why they have never
+punished you for your perjuries and--well, for the rest of your
+performances, let me say, not to break our compact about abuse. And
+yet I am at a loss to conceive any more convincing proof they could
+have given of their Providence, than if they had trounced you as
+you deserve. But no doubt they are from home--t'other side of
+Oceanus, possibly, on a visit to 'the blameless Ethiopians.' We
+know they have a way of going there to dinner, self-invited
+sometimes.
+
+Ti. What answer is possible to such ribaldry?
+
+Da. The answer I have been waiting for all this time; you can tell
+me what made you believe in divine Providence.
+
+Ti. Firstly, the order of nature--the sun running his regular
+course, the moon the same, the circling seasons, the growth of
+plants, the generation of living things, the ingenious adaptations
+in these latter for nutrition, thought, movement, locomotion; look
+at a carpenter or a shoemaker, for instance; and the thing is
+infinite. All these effects, and no effecting Providence?
+
+Da. You beg the question; whether the effects are produced by
+Providence is just what is not yet proved. Your description of
+nature I accept; it does not follow that there is definite design
+in it; it is not impossible that things now similar and homogeneous
+have developed from widely different origins. But you give the name
+'order' to mere blind tendency. And you will be very angry if one
+follows your appreciative catalogue of nature in all its variety,
+but stops short of accepting it as a proof of detailed Providence.
+So, as the play says,
+
+  Here lurks a fallacy; bring me sounder proof.
+
+Ti. I cannot admit that further proof is required; nevertheless, I
+will give you one. Will you allow Homer to have been an admirable
+poet?
+
+Da. Surely.
+
+Ti. Well,_ he _maintains Providence, and warrants my belief.
+
+Da. Magnificent! why, every one will grant you Homer's poetic
+excellence; but not that he, or any other poet for that matter, is
+good authority on questions of this sort._ Their _object, of
+course, is not truth, but fascination; they call in the charms of
+metre, they take tales for the vehicle of what instruction they
+give, and in short all their efforts are directed to pleasure.
+
+But I should be glad to hear which parts of Homer you pin your
+faith to. Where he tells how the daughter, the brother, and the
+wife of Zeus conspired to imprison him? If Thetis had not been
+moved to compassion and called Briareus, you remember, our
+excellent Zeus would have been seized and manacled; and his
+gratitude to her induced him to delude Agamemnon with a lying
+dream, and bring about the deaths of a number of Greeks. Do you
+see? The reason was that, if he had struck and blasted Agamemnon's
+self with a thunderbolt, his double dealing would have come to
+light. Or perhaps you found the Diomede story most convincing?--
+Diomede wounded Aphrodite, and afterwards Ares himself, at Athene's
+instigation; and then the Gods actually fell to blows and went
+a-tilting--without distinction of sex; Athene overthrew Ares,
+exhausted no doubt with his previous wound from Diomede; and
+
+  Hermes the stark and stanch 'gainst Leto stood.
+
+Or did you put your trust in Artemis? She was a sensitive lady, who
+resented not being invited to Oeneus's banquet, and by way of
+vengeance sent a monstrous irresistible boar to ravage his country.
+Is it with tales like these that Homer has prevailed on you?
+
+Zeus_. Goodness me, what a shout, Gods! they are all cheering
+Damis. And our man seems posed; he is frightened and trembles; he
+is going to throw up the sponge, I am certain of it; he looks round
+for a gap to get away through.
+
+_Ti. And will you scout Euripides too, then? Again and again he
+brings Gods on the stage, and shows them upholding virtue in the
+Heroes, but chastising wickedness and impiety (like yours).
+
+Da. My noble philosopher, if that is how the tragedians have
+convinced you, you have only two alternatives: you must suppose
+that divinity is temporarily lodged either in the actor--a Polus,
+an Aristodemus, a Satyrus--, or else in the actual masks, buskins,
+long tunics, cloaks, gloves, stomachers, padding, and ornamental
+paraphernalia in general of tragedy--a manifest absurdity; for when
+Euripides can speak his own sentiments unfettered by dramatic
+necessity, observe the freedom of his remarks:
+
+  Dost see this aether stretching infinite,
+  And girdling earth with close yet soft embrace?
+  That reckon thou thy Zeus, that name thy God.
+
+And again,
+
+  Zeus, whatever Zeus may be (for, save by hearsay,
+    I know not)--;
+
+and there is more of the same sort.
+
+Ti. Well, but all men--ay, all nations--have acknowledged and,
+feted Gods; was it all delusion?
+
+Da. Thank you; a timely reminder; national observances show better
+than anything else how vague religious theory is. Confusion is
+endless, and beliefs as many as believers. Scythia makes offerings
+to a scimetar, Thrace to the Samian runaway Zamolxis, Phrygia to a
+Month-God, Ethiopia to a Day-Goddess, Cyllene to Phales, Assyria to
+a dove, Persia to fire, Egypt to water. In Egypt, though, besides
+the universal worship of water, Memphis has a private cult of the
+ox, Pelusium of the onion, other cities of the ibis or the
+crocodile, others again of baboon, cat, or monkey. Nay, the very
+villages have their specialities: one deifies the right shoulder,
+and another across the river the left; one a half skull, another an
+earthenware bowl or platter. Come, my fine fellow, is it not all
+ridiculous?
+
+Mo_. What did I tell you, Gods? All this was sure to come out
+and be carefully overhauled.
+
+_Zeus_. You did, Momus, and your strictures were justified; if
+once we come safe out of this present peril, I will try to
+introduce reforms.
+
+_Ti. Infidel! where do you find the source of oracles and
+prophecies, if not in the Gods and their Providence?
+
+Da. About oracles, friend, the less said the better; I shall ask
+you to choose your instances, you see. Will Apollo's answer to the
+Lydian suit you? That was as symmetrical as a double-edged knife;
+or say, it faced both ways, like those Hermae which are made
+double, alike whether you look at front or back. Consider; will
+Croesus's passage of the Halys destroy his own realm, or Cyrus's?
+Tet the wretched Sardian paid a long price for his ambidextrous
+hexameter.
+
+Mo_. The man is realizing just my worst apprehensions. Where is
+our handsome musician now? Ah, there you are; go down and plead
+your own cause against him.
+
+_Zeus_. Hush, Momus; you are murdering our feelings; it is no
+time for recrimination.
+
+_Ti. Have a care, Damis; this is sacrilege, no less; what you say
+amounts to razing the temples and upsetting the altars.
+
+Da. Oh, not_ all _the altars; what harm do they do, so long as
+incense and perfume is the worst of it? As for Artemis's altar at
+Tauri, though, and her hideous feasts, I should like it overturned
+from base to cornice.
+
+Zeus_. Whence comes this resistless plague among us? There is
+none of us he spares; he is as free with his tongue as a tub
+orator,
+
+  And grips by turns the innocent and guilty.
+
+_Mo_. The innocent? You will not find many of those among us,
+Zeus. He will soon come to laying hands upon some of the great and
+eminent, I dare say.
+
+_Ti. Do you close your ears even to Zeus's thunder, atheist?
+
+Da. I clearly cannot shut out the thunder; whether it is Zeus's
+thunder, you know better than I perhaps; you may have interviewed
+the Gods. Travellers from Crete tell another story: there is a tomb
+there with an inscribed pillar, stating that Zeus is long dead, and
+not going to thunder any more.
+
+Mo_. I could have told you that was coming long ago. What, Zeus?
+pale? and your teeth chattering? What is the matter? You should
+cheer up, and treat such manikins with lofty contempt.
+
+_Zeus_. Contempt? See what a number of them there is--how set
+against us they are already--and he has them fast by the ears.
+
+_Mo_. Well, but you have only to choose, and you can let down
+your golden cord, and then every man of them
+
+  With earth and sky and all thou canst draw up.
+
+_Ti. Blasphemer, have you ever been a voyage?
+
+Da. Many.
+
+Ti. Well, then, the wind struck the canvas and filled the sails,
+and it or the oars gave you way, but there was a person responsible
+for steering and for the safety of the ship?
+
+Da. Certainly.
+
+Ti. Now that ship would not have sailed, without a steersman; and
+do you suppose that this great universe drifts unsteered and
+uncontrolled?
+
+Zeus_. Good, this time, Timocles; a cogent illustration, that.
+
+_Da. But, you pattern of piety, the earthly navigator makes his
+plans, takes his measures, gives his orders, with a single eye to
+efficiency; there is nothing useless or purposeless on board;
+everything is to make navigation easy or possible; but as for the
+navigator for whom you claim the management of this vast ship, he
+and his crew show no reason or appropriateness in any of their
+arrangements; the forestays, as likely as not, are made fast to the
+stern, and both sheets to the bows; the anchor will be gold, the
+beak lead, decoration below the water-line, and unsightliness
+above.
+
+As for the men, you will find some lazy awkward coward in second or
+third command, or a fine swimmer, active as a cat aloft, and a
+handy man generally, chosen out of all the rest to--pump. It is
+just the same with the passengers: here is a gaolbird accommodated
+with a seat next the captain and treated with reverence, there a
+debauchee or parricide or temple-robber in honourable possession of
+the best place, while crowds of respectable people are packed
+together in a corner and hustled by their real inferiors. Consider
+what sort of a voyage Socrates and Aristides and Phocion had of it,
+on short rations, not venturing, for the filth, to stretch out
+their legs on the bare deck; and on the other hand what a
+comfortable, luxurious, contemptuous life it was for Callias or
+Midias or Sardanapalus.
+
+That is how things go on board your ship, sir wiseacre; and who
+shall count the wrecks? If there had been a captain supervising and
+directing, in the first place he would have known the difference
+between good and bad passengers, and in the second he would have
+given them their deserts; the better would have had the better
+accommodation above by his side, and the worse gone below; with
+some of the better he would have shared his meals and his counsels.
+So too for the crew: the keen sailor would have been made look-out
+man or captain of the watch, or given some sort of precedence, and
+the lazy shirker have tasted the rope's end half a dozen times a
+day. The metaphorical ship, your worship, is likely to be capsized
+by its captain's incompetence.
+
+Mo_. He is sweeping on to victory, with wind and tide.
+
+_Zeus_. Too probable, Momus. And Timocles never gets hold of
+an effective idea; he can only ladle out trite commonplaces
+higgledy-piggledy--no sooner heard than refuted.
+
+_Ti. Well, well; my ship leaves you unconvinced; I must drop my
+sheet-anchor, then; that at least is unbreakable.
+
+Zeus_. I wonder what it is.
+
+_Ti. See whether this is a sound syllogism; can you upset it?--If
+there are altars, there are Gods: there_ are _altars; therefore,
+there are Gods. Now then.
+
+Da. Ha, ha, ha! I will answer as soon as I can get done with
+laughing.
+
+Ti. Will you never stop? At least tell me what the joke is.
+
+Da. Why, you don't see that your anchor (sheet-anchor, too) hangs
+by a mere thread. You defend on connexion between the existence of
+Gods and the existence of altars, and fancy yourself safe at
+anchor! As you admit that this was your sheet-anchor, there is
+nothing further to detain us.
+
+Ti. You retire; you confess yourself beaten, then?
+
+Da. Yes; we have seen you take sanctuary at the altars under
+persecution. At those altars I am ready (the sheet-anchor be my
+witness) to swear peace and cease from strife.
+
+Ti. Tou are playing with me, are you, you vile body-snatcher, you
+loathsome well-whipped scum! As if we didn't know who your father
+was, how your mother was a harlot! You strangled your own brother,
+you live in fornication, you debauch the young, you unabashed
+lecher! Don't be in such a hurry; here is something for you to take
+with you; this broken pot will serve me to cut your foul throat.
+
+Zeus_. Damis makes off with a laugh, and the other after him,
+calling him names, mad at his insolence. He will get him on the
+head with that pottery, I know. And now, what are we to do?
+
+_Herm_. Why, the man in the comedy was not far out:
+
+  Put a good face on 't, and thou hast no harm.
+
+It is no such terrible disaster, if a few people go away infected.
+There are plenty who take the other view--a majority of Greeks, the
+body and dregs of the people, and the barbarians to a man.
+
+_Zeus_. Ah, Hermes, but there is a great deal in Darius's
+remark about Zopyrus--I would rather have had one ally like Damis
+than be the lord of a thousand Babylons.
+
+
+
+
+THE COCK
+
+_Micyllus_. _A Cock_
+
+
+_Mi_. Detested bird! May Zeus crunch your every bone! Shrill,
+envious brute: to wake me from delightful dreams of wealth and
+magic blessedness with those piercing, deafening notes! Am I not
+even in sleep to find a refuge from Poverty, Poverty more vile than
+your vile self? Why, it cannot be midnight yet: all is hushed;
+numbness--sure messenger of approaching dawn--has not yet performed
+its morning office upon my limbs: and this wakeful brute (one would
+think he was guarding the golden fleece) starts crowing before
+night has fairly begun. But he shall pay for it.--Yes; only wait
+till daylight comes, and my stick shall avenge me; I am not going
+to flounder about after you in the dark.
+
+_Cock_. Why, master, I meant to give you a pleasant surprise:
+I borrowed what I could from the night, that you might be up early
+and break the back of your work; think, if you get a shoe done
+before sunrise, you are so much the nearer to earning your day's
+bread. However, if you prefer to sleep, I have done; I will be mute
+as any fish. Only you may find your rich dreams followed by a
+hungry awakening.
+
+_Mi_. God of portents! Heracles preserve us from the evil to
+come! My cock has spoken with a human voice.
+
+_Cock_. And what if he has? Is that so very portentous?
+
+_Mi_. I should think it was. All Gods avert the omen!
+
+_Cock_. Micyllus, I am afraid your education has been sadly
+neglected. If you had read your Homer, you would know that
+Achilles's horse Xanthus declined to have anything more to do with
+neighing, and stood on the field of battle spouting whole
+hexameters; _he_ was not content with plain prose like me; he
+even took to prophecy, and foretold to Achilles what should befall
+him. Nor was this considered anything out of the way; Achilles saw
+nothing portentous about it, nor did he invoke Heracles on the
+occasion. What a fuss you would have made, if the keel of the Argo
+had addressed a remark to you, or the leaves of the Dodonaean oak
+had opened their mouths and prophesied; or if you had seen ox-
+hides crawling about, and heard the half-cooked flesh of the beasts
+bellowing on the spit! As for me, considering my connexion with
+Hermes--most loquacious, most argumentative of Gods--and my
+familiar intercourse with mankind, it was only to be expected that
+I should pick up your language pretty quickly. Nay, there is a
+still better reason for my conversational powers, which I don't
+mind telling you, if you will promise to keep quiet about it.
+
+_Mi_. Am I dreaming still, or is this bird really talking to
+me?--In Hermes' name then, good creature, out with your better
+reason; I will be mum, never fear; it shall go no further. Why, who
+would believe the story, when I told him that I had it from a cock?
+
+_Cock_. Listen. You will doubtless be surprised to learn that
+not so long ago the cock who stands before you was a man.
+
+_Mi_. Why, to be sure, I have heard something like this before
+about a cock. It was the story of a young man called Alectryon
+[Footnote: Alectryon is the Greek word for a cock.]; he was a
+friend of Ares,--used to join in his revels and junketings, and
+give him a hand in his love affairs. Whenever Ares went to pay a
+sly visit to Aphrodite, he used to take Alectryon with him, and as
+he was particularly afraid that the Sun would see him, and tell
+Hephaestus, he would always leave Alectryon at the door, so that he
+might give him warning when the Sun was up. But one day Alectryon
+fell asleep, and unwittingly betrayed his trust; the consequence
+was that the Sun got a peep at the lovers, while Ares was having a
+comfortable nap, relying on Alectryon to tell him if any one came.
+Hephaestus heard of it, and caught them in that cage of his, which
+he had long had waiting for them. When Ares was released, he was so
+angry with Alectryon that he turned him into a cock, armour and
+all, as is shown by his crest; and that is what makes you cocks in
+such a hurry to crow at dawn, to let us know that the Sun is coming
+up presently; it is your way of apologizing to Ares, though crowing
+will not mend matters now.
+
+_Cock_. Yes, there is that story too: but that is nothing to
+do with mine; I only became a cock quite lately.
+
+_Mi_. But what I want to know is, how did it happen?
+
+_Cock_. Did you ever hear of Pythagoras of Samos, son of
+Mnesarchus?
+
+_Mi_. What, that sophist quack, who forbade the eating of
+meat, and would have banished beans from our tables (no beans,
+indeed! my favourite food!), and who wanted people to go for five
+years without speaking?
+
+_Cock_. And who, I may add, was Euphorbus before he was
+Pythagoras.
+
+_Mi_. He was a knave and a humbug, that Pythagoras, by all
+accounts.
+
+_Cock_. That Pythagoras, my worthy friend, is now before you
+in person: spare his feelings, especially as you know nothing about
+his real character.
+
+_Mi_. Portent upon portent! a cock philosopher! But proceed,
+son of Mnesarchus: how came you to change from man to bird, from
+Samos to Tanagra? [Footnote: See Notes.] 'Tis an unconvincing
+story; I find a difficulty in swallowing it. I have noticed two
+things about you already, which do not look much like Pythagoras.
+
+_Cock_. Yes?
+
+_Mi_. For one thing, you are garrulous; I might say noisy.
+Now, if I am not mistaken, Pythagoras advocated a course of five
+years' silence at a stretch. As for the other, it is rank heresy.
+You will remember that yesterday, not having anything else to give
+you, I brought you some beans: and you,--you gobbled them up
+without thinking twice about it! Either you lied when you told me
+you were Pythagoras, or else you have sinned against your own laws:
+in eating those beans, you have as good as bolted your own father's
+head.
+
+_Cock_. Ah, you don't understand, Micyllus. There is a reason
+for these things: different diets suit different creatures. I
+was a philosopher in those days: accordingly I abstained from
+beans. Now, on the contrary, I propose to eat beans; they are an
+unexceptionable diet for birds. And now if you like I will tell you
+how from being Pythagoras I have come to be--what you see me; and
+all about the other lives I have lived, and what were the good
+points of each.
+
+_Mi_. Tell on; there is nothing I should like better. Indeed,
+if I were given my choice between hearing your story, and having my
+late dream of riches over again, I don't know which I should decide
+on. 'Twas a sweet vision, of joys above all price: yet not above
+the tale of my cock's adventures.
+
+_Cock_. What, still puzzling over the import of a dream? Still
+busy with vain phantoms, chasing a visionary happiness through your
+head, that 'fleeting' joy, as the poet calls it?
+
+_Mi_. Ah, cock, cock, I shall never forget it. That dream has
+left its honeyed spell on my eyelids; 'tis all I can do to open
+them; they would fain close once more in sleep. As a feather
+tickles the ear, so did that vision tickle my imagination.
+
+_Cock_. Bless me, you seem to be very hard hit. Dreams are
+winged, so they say, and their flight circumscribed by sleep: this
+one seems to have broken bounds, and taken up its abode in wakeful
+eyes, transferring thither its honeyed spell, its lifelike
+presence. Tell me this dream of your desire.
+
+_Mi_. With all my heart; it is a joy to remember it, and to
+speak of it. But what about your transformations?
+
+_Cock_. They must wait till you have done dreaming, and wiped
+the honey from your eyelids. So you begin: I want to see which
+gates the dream came through, the ivory or the horn.
+
+_Mi_. Through neither.
+
+_Cock_. Well, but these are the only two that Homer mentions.
+
+_Mi_. Homer may go hang: what does a babbling poet know about
+dreams? Pauper dreams may come through those gates, for all I know;
+that was the kind that Homer saw, and not over clearly at that, as
+he was blind. But _my_ beauty came through golden gates, golden
+himself and clothed in gold and bringing gold.
+
+_Cock_. Enough of gold, most gentle Midas; for to a Midas-
+prayer it is that I trace your vision; you must have dreamt whole
+minefuls.
+
+_Mi_. Gold upon gold was there; picture if you can that
+glorious lightning-flash! What is it that Pindar says about gold?
+Can you help me to it? He says water is best, and then very
+properly proceeds to sing the praises of gold; it comes at the
+beginning of the book, and a beautiful ode it is.
+
+_Cock_. What about this?
+
+  Chiefest of all good we hold
+  Water: even so doth gold,
+  Like a fire that flameth through the night,
+  Shine mid lordly wealth most lordly bright.
+
+_Mi_. The very words; I could fancy that Pindar had seen my
+vision. And now, my philosophic cock, I will proceed to details.
+That I did not dine at home last night, you are already aware; the
+wealthy Eucrates had met me in the morning, and told me to come to
+dinner after my bath at his usual hour.
+
+_Cock_. Too well do I know it, after starving all day long. It
+was quite late before you came home--half-seas over--and gave me
+those five beans; rather short commons for a cock who has been an
+athlete in his day, and contended at Olympia, not without
+distinction.
+
+_Mi_. Well, so when I got back, and had given you the beans, I
+went to sleep, and
+
+  Through the ambrosial night a dream divine--
+
+ah, divine indeed!--
+
+_Cock_. Wait: let us have Eucrates first. What sort of a
+dinner was it? Tell me all about it. Seize the opportunity: dine
+once more in waking dream; chew the cud of prandial reminiscence.
+
+_Mi_. I thought all that would bore you; however, if you are
+curious, all right. I had never dined at a great house in my life
+before, when yesterday, in a lucky hour for me, I fell in with
+Eucrates. After saluting him respectfully as usual, I was making
+off--not to bring discredit on him by walking at his side in my
+shabby clothes--when he spoke to me: 'Micyllus,' he said, 'it is my
+daughter's birthday to-day, and I have invited a number of friends
+to celebrate it. One of them, I hear, is indisposed, and will not
+be able to come; you can take his place, always provided that I do
+not hear from him, for at present I do not know whether to expect
+him or not.' I made my bow, and departed, praying that ague,
+pleurisy, and gout might light upon the invalid whose appetite I
+had the honour to represent. I thought bath-time would never come;
+I could not keep my eyes off the dial: where was the shadow now?
+could I go yet? At last it really was time: I scraped the dirt off,
+and made myself smart, turning my cloak inside out, so that the
+clean side might be uppermost. Among the numerous guests assembled
+at the door, whom should I see but the very man whose understudy I
+was to be, the invalid, in a litter! He was evidently in a sad way;
+groaning and coughing and spitting in the most alarmingly emphatic
+manner; ghostly pale, puffy, and not much less, I reckoned, than
+sixty years old. He was a philosopher, so they said,--one of those
+who fill boys' heads with nonsensical ideas. Certainly his beard
+was well adapted to the part he played; it cried aloud for the
+barber. Archibius the doctor asked him what induced him to venture
+out in that state of health. 'Oh,' says he, 'a man must not shirk
+his duties, least of all a philosopher; no matter if a thousand
+ailments stand in his way. Eucrates would have taken it as a
+slight.' 'You're out there,' I cried; 'Eucrates would be only too
+glad if you would cough out your soul at home instead of doing it
+at his table.' He made as if he had not heard my jest; he was above
+such things. Presently in came Eucrates from his bath, and seeing
+Thesmopolis (the philosopher), 'Ah, Professor,' says he, 'I am glad
+to see you here; not that it would have made any difference, even
+if you had stayed at home; I should have had everything sent over
+to you.' And with that he took the philosopher's hand, and with the
+help of the slaves, conducted him in. I thought it was time for me
+to be going about my business: however, Eucrates turned round to
+me, and seeing how glum I looked, 'Micyllus,' says he, after a good
+deal of humming and ha'ing, 'you must join us; we shall find room
+for you; I can send my boy to dine with his mother and the women.'
+It had very nearly turned out a wild-goose chase, but not quite: I
+walked in, feeling rather ashamed of myself for having done the boy
+out of his dinner. We were now to take our places. Thesmopolis was
+first hoisted into his, with some difficulty, by five stalwart
+youths, who propped him up on every side with cushions to keep him
+in his place and enable him to hold out to the end. As no one else
+was disposed to have him for a neighbour, that privilege was
+assigned to me without ceremony. And then dinner was brought in:
+such dainties, Pythagoras, such variety! and everything served on
+gold or silver. Golden cups, smart servants, musicians, jesters,--
+altogether, it was delightful. Thesmopolis, though, annoyed me a
+good deal: he kept on worrying about virtue, and explaining how two
+negatives make one positive, and how when it is day it is not night
+[Footnote: See _Puzzles_ in Notes.]; among other things, he
+would have it that I had horns [Footnote: See _Puzzles_ in
+Notes.]. I wanted none of his philosophy, but on he went, quite
+spoiling my pleasure; it was impossible to listen to the music and
+singing. So that is what the dinner was like.
+
+_Cock_. Not much of a one, especially with that old fool for
+your neighbour.
+
+_Mi_. And now for the dream, which was about no other than
+Eucrates. How it came about I don't know, but Eucrates was
+childless, and was on his death-bed; he sent for me and made his
+will, leaving everything to me, and soon after died. I now came
+into the property, and ladled out gold and silver by the bucketful
+from springs that never dried; furniture and plate, clothes and
+servants, all were mine. I drove abroad, the admiration of all eyes
+and the envy of all hearts, lolling in my carriage behind a pair of
+creams, with a crowd of attendants on horseback and on foot in
+front of me, and a larger crowd behind. Dressed in Eucrates's
+splendid clothes, my fingers loaded with a score or so of rings, I
+ordered a magnificent feast to be prepared for the entertainment of
+my friends. The next moment they were there,--it happens so in
+dreams; dinner was brought in, the wine splashed in the cups. I was
+pledging each of my friends in turn in beakers of gold, and the
+biscuits were just being brought in, when that unlucky crow of
+yours spoilt all: over went the tables, and away flew my visionary
+wealth to all the quarters of Heaven. Had I not some reason to be
+annoyed with you? I could have gone on with that dream for three
+nights on end.
+
+_Cock_. Is the love of gold so absorbing a passion? Gold the
+only thing you can find to admire? The possession of gold the sole
+happiness?
+
+_Mi_. I am not the only one, Pythagoras. Why, you yourself
+(when you were Euphorbus) used to go to battle with your hair
+adorned with gold and silver, though iron would have been more to
+the point than gold under the circumstances; however, you thought
+differently, and fought with a golden circlet about your brow;
+which I suppose is why Homer compares your hair to that of the
+Graces
+
+  in gold and silver clasped.
+
+No doubt its charm would be greatly enhanced by the glitter of the
+interwoven gold. After all, though, you, my golden-haired friend,
+were but the son of Panthus; one can understand your respect for
+gold. But the father of Gods and men, the son of Cronus and Rhea
+himself, could find no surer way to the heart of his Argive
+enchantress [Footnote: Danae.]--or to those of her gaolers--than
+this same metal; you know the story, how he turned himself into
+gold, and came showering down through the roof into the presence of
+his beloved? Need I say more? Need I point out the useful purposes
+that gold serves? the beauty and wisdom and strength, the honour
+and glory it confers on its possessors, at a moment's notice
+turning obscurity and infamy into world-wide fame? You know my
+neighbour and fellow craftsman, Simon, who supped with me not long
+since? 'Twas at the Saturnalia, the day I made that pease-pudding,
+with the two slices of sausage in it?
+
+_Cock_. I know: the little snub-nosed fellow, who went off
+with our pudding-basin under his arm,--the only one we had; I saw
+him with these eyes.
+
+_Mi_. So it was he who stole that basin! and he swore by all
+his Gods that he knew nothing of it! But you should have called
+out, and told me how we were being plundered.
+
+_Cock_. I did crow; it was all I could do just then. But what
+were you going to say about Simon?
+
+_Mi_. He had a cousin, Drimylus, who was tremendously rich.
+During his lifetime, Drimylus never gave him a penny; and no
+wonder, for he never laid a finger on his money himself. But the
+other day he died, and Simon has come in for everything. No more
+dirty rags for him now, no more trencher-licking: he drives abroad
+clothed in purple and scarlet; slaves and horses are his, golden
+cups and ivory-footed tables, and men prostrate themselves before
+him. As for me, he will not so much as look at me: it was only the
+other day that I met him, and said, 'Good day, Simon': he flew into
+a rage: 'Tell that beggar,' he said, 'not to cut down my name; it
+is Simonides, not Simon.' And that is not all,--the women are in
+love with him too, and Simon is coy and cold: some he receives
+graciously, but the neglected ones declare they will hang
+themselves. See what gold can do! It is like Aphrodite's girdle,
+transforming the unsightly and making them lovely to behold. What
+say the poets?
+
+  Happy the hand that grasps thee, Gold!
+
+and again,
+
+  Gold hath dominion over mortal men.
+
+But what are you laughing at?
+
+_Cock_. Ah, Micyllus, I see that you are no wiser than your
+neighbours; you have the usual mistaken notions about the rich,
+whose life, I assure you, is far more miserable than your own. I
+ought to know: I have tried everything, and been poor man and rich
+man times out of number. You will find out all about it before
+long.
+
+_Mi_. Ah, to be sure, it is your turn now. Tell me how you
+came to be changed into a cock, and what each of your lives was
+like.
+
+_Cock_. Very well; and I may remark, by way of preface, that
+of all the lives I have ever known none was happier than yours.
+
+_Mi_. Than mine? Exasperating fowl! All I say is, may you have
+one like it! Now then: begin from Euphorbus, and tell me how you
+came to be Pythagoras, and so on, down to the cock. I'll warrant
+you have not been through all those different lives without seeing
+some strange sights, and having your adventures.
+
+_Cock_. How my spirit first proceeded from Apollo, and took
+flight to earth, and entered into a human form, and what was the
+nature of the crime thus expiated,--all this would take too long to
+tell; nor is it fitting either for me to speak of such matters or
+for you to hear of them. I pass to the time when I became
+Euphorbus,--
+
+_Mi_. Wait a minute: have I ever been changed in this way?
+
+_Cock_. You have.
+
+_Mi_. Then who was I, do you know? I am curious about that.
+
+_Cock_. Why, you were an Indian ant, of the gold-digging
+species.
+
+_Mi_. What could induce me, misguided insect that I was, to
+leave that life without so much as a grain of gold-dust to supply
+my needs in this one? And what am I going to be next? I suppose you
+can tell me. If it is anything good, I'll hang myself this moment
+from the very perch on which you stand.
+
+_Cock_. That I can on no account divulge. To resume. When I
+was Euphorbus, I fought at Troy, and was slain by Menelaus. Some
+time then elapsed before I entered into the body of Pythagoras.
+During this interval, I remained without a habitation, waiting till
+Mnesarchus had prepared one for me.
+
+_Mi_. What, without meat or drink?
+
+_Cock_. Oh yes; these are mere bodily requirements.
+
+_Mi_. Well, first I will have about the Trojan war. Did it all
+happen as Homer describes?
+
+_Cock_. Homer! What should he know of the matter? He was a
+camel in Bactria all the time. I may tell you that things were not
+on such a tremendous scale in those days as is commonly supposed:
+Ajax was not so very tall, nor Helen so very beautiful. I saw her:
+she had a fair complexion, to be sure, and her neck was long enough
+to suggest her swan parentage [Footnote: See _Helen_ in Notes.]:
+but then she was such an age--as old as Hecuba, almost. You see,
+Theseus had carried her off first, and she had lived with him at
+Aphidnae: now Theseus was a contemporary of Heracles, and the
+former capture of Troy, by Heracles, had taken place in the
+generation before mine; my father, who told me all this, remembered
+seeing Heracles when he was himself a boy.
+
+_Mi_. Well, and Achilles: was he so much better than other
+people, or is that all stuff and nonsense?
+
+_Cock_. Ah, I never came across Achilles; I am not very strong
+on the Greeks; I was on the other side, of course. There is one
+thing, though: I made pretty short work of his friend Patroclus--
+ran him clean through with my spear.
+
+_Mi_. After which Menelaus settled you with still greater
+facility. Well, that will do for Troy. And when you were
+Pythagoras?
+
+_Cock_. When I was Pythagoras, I was--not to deceive you--a
+sophist; that is the long and short of it. At the same time, I was
+not uncultured, not unversed in polite learning. I travelled in
+Egypt, cultivated the acquaintance of the priests, and learnt
+wisdom from their mouths; I penetrated into their temples and
+mastered the sacred books of Orus and Isis; finally, I took ship to
+Italy, where I made such an impression on the Greeks that they
+reckoned me among the Gods.
+
+_Mi_. I have heard all about that; and also how you were
+supposed to have risen from the dead, and how you had a golden
+thigh, and favoured the public with a sight of it on occasion. But
+what put it into your head to make that law about meat and beans?
+
+_Cock_. Ah, don't ask me that, Micyllus.
+
+_Mi_. But why not?
+
+_Cock_. I am ashamed to answer you.
+
+_Mi_. Come, out with it! I am your friend and fellow lodger;
+we will drop the 'master' now.
+
+_Cock_. There was neither common sense nor philosophy in that
+law. The fact is, I saw that if I did just the same as other
+people, I should draw very few admirers; my prestige, I considered,
+would be in proportion to my originality. Hence these innovations,
+the motive of which I wrapped up in mystery; each man was left to
+make his own conjecture, that all might be equally impressed by my
+oracular obscurity. There now! you are laughing at me; it is your
+turn this time.
+
+_Mi_. I am laughing much more at the folk of Cortona and
+Metapontum and Tarentum, and the rest of those mute disciples who
+worshipped the ground you trod on. And in what form was your spirit
+next clothed, after it had put off Pythagoras?
+
+_Cock_. In that of Aspasia, the Milesian courtesan.
+
+_Mi_. Dear, dear! And your versatility has even changed sexes?
+My gallant cock has positively laid eggs in his time? Pythagoras
+has carded and spun? Pythagoras the mistress--and the mother--of a
+Pericles? My Pythagoras no better than he should be?
+
+_Cock_. I do not stand alone. I had the example of Tiresias
+and of Caeneus; your gibes touch them as well as me.
+
+_Mi_. And did you like being a man best, or receiving the
+addresses of Pericles?
+
+_Cock_. Ha! the question that Tiresias paid so dearly for
+answering!
+
+_Mi_. Never mind, then,--Euripides has settled the point; he
+says he would
+
+  rather bear the shock of battle thrice
+  Than once the pangs of labour.
+
+_Cock_. Ah, just a word in your ear: those pangs will shortly
+be your own; more than once, in the course of a lengthy career, you
+will be a woman.
+
+_Mi_. Strangulation on the bird! Does he think we all hail
+from Miletus or Samos? Yes, I said Samos; Pythagoras has had his
+admirers, by all accounts, as well as Aspasia. However;--what was
+your sex next time?
+
+_Cock_. I was the Cynic Crates.
+
+_Mi_. Castor and Pollux! What a change was there!
+
+_Cock_. Then it was a king; then a pauper, and presently a
+satrap, and after that came horse, jackdaw, frog, and I know not
+how many more; there is no reckoning them up in detail. Latterly, I
+have been a cock several times. I liked the life; many is the king,
+many the pauper and millionaire, with whom I took service in that
+capacity before I came to you. In your lamentations about poverty,
+and your admiration of the rich, I find an unfailing source of
+entertainment; little do you know what those rich have to put up
+with! If you had any idea of their anxieties, you would laugh to
+think how you had been deceived as to the blessedness of wealth.
+
+_Mi_. Well, Pythagoras,--or is there any other name you
+prefer? I shall throw you out, perhaps, if I keep on calling you
+different things?
+
+_Cock_. Euphorbus or Pythagoras, Aspasia or Crates, it is all
+the same to me; one is as much my name as another. Or stay: not to
+be wanting in respect to a bird whose humble exterior contains so
+many souls, you had better use the evidence of your own eyes and
+call me Cock.
+
+_Mi_. Then, cock, as you have tried wellnigh every kind of
+life, you can next give me a clear description of the lives of rich
+and poor respectively; we will see if there was any truth in your
+assertion, that I was better off than the rich.
+
+_Cock_. Well now, look at it this way. To begin with, you are
+very little troubled with military matters. Suppose there is talk
+of an invasion: _you_ are under no uneasiness about the destruction
+of your crops, or the cutting-up of your gardens, or the ruin of
+your vines; at the first sound of the trumpet (if you even hear
+it), all you have to think of is, how to convey your own person out
+of harm's way. Well, the rich have got to provide for that too, and
+they have the mortification into the bargain of looking on while
+their lands are being ravaged. Is a war-tax to be levied? It all
+falls on them. When you take the field, theirs are the posts of
+honour--and danger: whereas you, with no worse encumbrance than
+your wicker shield, are in the best of trim for taking care of
+yourself; and when the time comes for the general to offer up a
+sacrifice of thanksgiving for his victory, your presence may be
+relied on at the festive scene.
+
+Then again, in time of peace, you, as one of the commons, march up
+to the Assembly to lord it over the rich, who tremble and crouch
+before you, and seek to propitiate you with grants. They must
+labour, that you may be supplied with baths and games and
+spectacles and the like to your satisfaction; you are their censor
+and critic, their stern taskmaster, who will not always hear before
+condemning; nay, you may give them a smart shower of stones, if the
+fancy takes you, or confiscate their property. The informer's
+tongue has no terrors for you; no burglar will scale or undermine
+_your_ walls in search of gold; you are not troubled with
+book-keeping or debt-collecting; you have no rascally steward to
+wrangle with; none of the thousand worries of the rich distract
+you. No, you patch your shoe, and you take your tenpence; and at
+dusk up you jump from your bench, get a bath if you are in the
+humour for it, buy yourself a haddock or some sprats or a few heads
+of garlic, and make merry therewith; Poverty, best of philosophers,
+is your companion, and you are seldom at a loss for a song. And
+what is the result? Health and strength, and a hardiness that sets
+cold at defiance. Your work keeps you keen-set; the ills that seem
+insuperable to other men find a tough customer in you. Why, no
+serious sickness ever comes near you: fever, perhaps, lays a light
+hand on you now and again; you let him have his way for a day or
+two, and then you are up again, and shake the pest off; he beats a
+hasty retreat, not liking the look of a man who drinks cold water
+at that rate, and has such a short way with the doctors. But look
+at the rich: name the disease to which these creatures are not
+subjected by their intemperance; gout, consumption, pneumonia,
+dropsy,--they all come of high feeding. Some of these men are like
+Icarus: they fly too high, they get near the sun, not realizing
+that their wings are fastened with wax; and then some day there is
+a great splash, and they have disappeared headlong into the deep.
+Others there are who follow Daedalus's example; such minds eschew
+the upper air, and keep their wax within splashing distance of the
+sea; these generally get safely to their journey's end.
+
+_Mi_. Shrewd, sensible fellows.
+
+_Cock_. Yes, but among the others you may see some ugly
+shipwrecks. Croesus is plucked of his feathers, and mounts a pyre
+for the amusement of the Persians. A tyranny capsizes, and the
+lordly Dionysius is discovered teaching Corinthian children their
+alphabet.
+
+_Mi_. You tell me, cock, that you have been a king yourself:
+now how did _you_ find the life? I expect you had a pleasant
+time of it, living on the very fat of the land?
+
+_Cock_. Do not remind me of that miserable existence. A
+pleasant time! So people thought, no doubt: I knew better; it was
+vexation upon vexation.
+
+_Mi_. You surprise me. How should that be? It sounds unlikely.
+
+_Cock_. The country over which I ruled was both extensive and
+fertile. Its population and the beauty of its cities alike entitled
+it to the highest consideration. It possessed navigable rivers and
+excellent harbours. My army was large, my pike-men numerous, my
+cavalry in a high state of efficiency; it was the same with my
+fleet; and my wealth was beyond calculation. No circumstance of
+kingly pomp was wanting; gold plate in abundance, everything on the
+most magnificent scale. I could not leave my palace without
+receiving the reverential greetings of the public, who looked on me
+as a God, and crowded together to see me pass; some enthusiasts
+would even betake themselves to the roofs of the houses, lest any
+detail of my equipage, clothes, crown or attendants should escape
+them. I could make allowance for the ignorance of my subjects, but
+this did not prevent me from pitying myself, when I reflected on
+the vexations and worries of my position. I was like those colossal
+statues, the work of Phidias, Myron or Praxiteles: they too look
+extremely well from outside: 'tis Posidon with his trident, Zeus
+with his thunderbolt, all ivory and gold: but take a peep inside,
+and what have we? One tangle of bars, bolts, nails, planks, wedges,
+with pitch and mortar and everything that is unsightly; not to
+mention a possible colony of rats or mice. There you have royalty.
+
+_Mi_. But you have not told me what is the mortar, what the
+bolts and bars and other unsightlinesses that lurk behind a throne.
+Admiration, dominion, divine honours,--these no doubt fit your
+simile; there is a touch of the godlike about them. But now let me
+have the inside of your colossus.
+
+_Cock_. And where shall I begin? With fear and suspicion? The
+resentments of courtiers and the machinations of conspirators?
+Scant and broken sleep, troubled dreams, perplexities, forebodings?
+Or again with the hurry of business--fiscal--legal--military?
+Orders to be issued, treaties to be drawn up, estimates to be
+formed? As for pleasure, such a thing is not to be dreamt of; no,
+one man must think for all, toil incessantly for all. The Achaean
+host is snoring to a man:
+
+  But sweet sleep came not nigh to Atreus' son,
+  Who pondered many things within his heart.
+
+Lydian Croesus is troubled because his son is dumb; Persian
+Artaxerxes, because Clearchus is raising a host for Cyrus;
+Dionysius, because Dion whispers in Syracusan ears; Alexander,
+because Parmenio is praised. Perdiccas has no peace for Ptolemy,
+Ptolemy none for Seleucus. And there are other griefs than these:
+his favourite is cold; his concubine loves another; there is talk
+of a rebellion; there has been muttering among a half-dozen of his
+guards. And the bitterness of it is, that his nearest and dearest
+are those whom he is most called on to distrust; from them he must
+ever look for harm. One we see poisoned by his son, another by his
+own favourite; and a third will probably fare no better.
+
+_Mi_. Whew! I like not this, my cock. Methinks there is safety
+in bent backs and leather-cutting, and none in golden loving-cups;
+I will pledge no man in hemlock or in aconite. All _I_ have to
+fear is that my knife may slip out of the line, and draw a drop or
+two from my fingers: but your kings would seem to sit down to
+dinner with Death, and to lead dogs' lives into the bargain. They
+go at last; and then they are more like play-actors than anything
+else--like such a one as you may see taking the part of Cecrops or
+Sisyphus or Telephus. He has his diadem and his ivory-hilted sword,
+his waving hair and spangled cloak: but accidents will happen,--
+suppose he makes a false step: down he comes on the middle of the
+stage, and the audience roars with laughter. For there is his mask,
+crumpled up, diadem and all, and his own bloody coxcomb showing
+underneath it; his legs are laid bare to the knees, and you see the
+dirty rags inside his fine robe, and the great lumbering buskins.
+Ha, ha, friend cock, have I learnt to turn a simile already? Well,
+there are my views on tyranny. Now for the horses and dogs and
+frogs and fishes: how did you like that kind of thing?
+
+_Cock_. Your question would take a long time to answer; more
+time than we can spare. But--to sum up my experience in two words--
+every one of these creatures has an easier life of it than man.
+Their aims, their wants, are all confined to the body: such a thing
+as a tax-farming horse or a litigant frog, a jackdaw sophist, a
+gnat confectioner, or a cock pander, is unknown; they leave such
+things to humanity.
+
+_Mi_. It may be as you say. But, cock (I don't mind making a
+clean breast of it to you), I have had a fancy all my life for
+being rich, and I am as bad as ever; nay, worse, for there is the
+dream, still flaunting its gold before my eyes; and that confounded
+Simon, too,--it chokes me to think of him rolling in luxury.
+
+_Cock_. I'll put that right. It is still dark, get up and come
+with me. You shall pay a visit to Simon and other rich men, and see
+how things stand with them.
+
+_Mi_. But the doors are locked. Would you have me break in?
+
+_Cock_. Oh no; but I have a certain privilege from Hermes, my
+patron: you see my longest tail-feather, the curling one that hangs
+down,--
+
+_Mi_. There are two curling ones that hang down.
+
+_Cock_. The one on the right. By allowing any one to pluck out
+that feather and carry it, I give him the power, for as long as I
+like, of opening all doors and seeing everything, himself unseen.
+
+_Mi_. Cock, you are a positive conjurer. Only give me the
+feather, and it shall not be long before Simon's wealth shifts its
+quarters; I'll slip in and make a clean sweep. His teeth shall tug
+leather again.
+
+_Cock_. That must not be. I have my instructions from Hermes,
+and if my feather is put to any such purpose, I am to call out and
+expose the offender.
+
+_Mi_. Hermes, of all people, grudge a man a little thievery?
+I'll not believe it of him. However, let us start; I promise not to
+touch the gold ... if I can help it.
+
+_Cock_. You must pluck out the feather first.... What's this?
+You have taken both!
+
+_Mi_. Better to be on the safe side. And it would look so bad
+to have one half of your tail gone and not the other.
+
+_Cock_. Well. Where shall we go first? To Simon's?
+
+_Mi_. Yes, yes, Simon first. Simonides it is, nowadays; two
+syllables is not enough for him since he has come into money....
+Here we are; what do I do next?
+
+_Cock_. Apply the feather to the bolt.
+
+_Mi_. So. Heracles! it might be a key; the door flies open.
+
+_Cock_. Walk in; you go first. Do you see him? He is sitting
+up over his accounts.
+
+_Mi_. See him! I should think I did. What a light! That lamp
+wants a drink. And what makes Simon so pale? He is shrivelled up to
+nothing. That comes of his worries; there is nothing else the
+matter with him, that I have heard of.
+
+_Cock_. Listen, and you will understand.
+
+_Si_. That seventeen thousand in the hole under my bed is safe
+enough; not a soul saw me that time. But I believe Sosylus caught
+me hiding the four thousand under the manger: he is not the most
+industrious of grooms, he was never too fond of work; but he
+_lives_ in that stable now. And I expect that is not all that
+has gone, by a long way. What was Tibius doing with those fine
+great kippers yesterday? And they tell me he paid no less a sum
+than four shillings for a pair of earrings for his wife. God help
+me, it's _my_ money they're flinging about. I'm not easy about
+all that plate either: what if some one should knock a hole in the
+wall, and make off with it? Many is the one that envies me, and has
+an eye on my gold; my neighbour Micyllus is as bad as any of them.
+
+_Mi_. Hear, hear! He is as bad as Simon; he walks off with
+other people's pudding-basins under his arm.
+
+_Cock_. Hush! we shall be caught.
+
+_Si_. There's nothing like sitting up, and having everything
+under one's own eye. I'll jump up and go my rounds.... You there!
+you burglar! I see you.... Ah, it is but a post; all is well. I'll
+pull up the gold and count it again; I may have missed something
+just now.... Hark! a step! I knew it; he is upon me! I am beset
+with enemies. The world conspires against me. Where is my dagger?
+Only let me catch ...--I'll put the gold back.
+
+_Cock_. There: now you have seen Simon at home. Let us go on
+to another house, while there is still some of the night left.
+
+_Mi_. The worm! what a life! I wish all my enemies such wealth
+as his. I'll just lend him a box on the ear, and then I am ready.
+
+_Si_. Who was that? Some one struck me! Ah! I am robbed!
+
+_Mi_. Whine away, Simon, and sit up of nights till you are as
+yellow as the gold you clutch.--I should like to go to Gniphon the
+usurer's next; it is quite close.... Again the door opens to us.
+
+_Cock_. He is sitting up too, look. It is an anxious time with
+him; he is reckoning his interest. His fingers are worn to the
+bone. Presently he will have to leave all this, and become a
+cockroach, or a gnat, or a bluebottle.
+
+_Mi_. Senseless brute! it will hardly be a change for the
+worse. He, like Simon, is pretty well thinned down by his
+calculations. Let us try some one else.
+
+_Cock_. What about your friend Eucrates? See, the door stands
+open; let us go in.
+
+_Mi_. An hour ago, all this was mine!
+
+_Cock_. Still the golden dream!--Look at the hoary old
+reprobate: with one of his own slaves!
+
+_Mi_. Monstrous! And his wife is not much better; she takes
+her paramour from the kitchen.
+
+_Cock_. Well? Is the inheritance to your liking? Will you have
+it all?
+
+_Mi_. I will starve first. Good-bye to gold and high living.
+Preserve me from my own servants, and I will call myself rich on
+twopence-halfpenny.
+
+_Cock_. Well, well, we must be getting home; see, it is just
+dawn. The rest must wait for another day.
+
+
+
+
+ICAROMENIPPUS, AN AERIAL EXPEDITION
+
+_Menippus and a Friend_
+
+
+_Me_. Let me see, now. First stage, Earth to Moon, 350 miles.
+Second stage, up to the Sun, 500 leagues. Then the third, to the
+actual Heaven and Zeus's citadel, might be put at a day's journey
+for an eagle in light marching order.
+
+_Fr_. In the name of goodness, Menippus, what are these
+astronomical sums you are doing under your breath? I have been
+dogging yon for some time, listening to your suns and moons,
+queerly mixed up with common earthly stages and leagues.
+
+_Me_. Ah, you must not be surprised if my talk is rather
+exalted and ethereal; I was making out the mileage of my journey.
+
+_Fr_. Oh, I see; using stars to steer by, like the
+Phoenicians?
+
+_Me_. Oh no, travelling among them.
+
+_Fr_. Well, to be sure, it must have been a longish dream, if
+you lost yourself in it for whole leagues.
+
+_Me_. Dream, my good man? I am just come straight from Zeus.
+Dream, indeed!
+
+_Fr_. How? What? Our Menippus a literal godsend from Heaven?
+
+_Me_. 'Tis even so; from very Zeus I come this day, eyes and
+ears yet full of wonders. Oh, doubt, if you will. That my fortune
+should pass belief makes it only the more gratifying.
+
+_Fr_. Nay, my worshipful Olympian, how should I, 'a man
+begotten, treading this poor earth,' doubt him who transcends the
+clouds, a 'denizen of Heaven,' as Homer says? But vouchsafe to tell
+me how you were uplifted, and where you got your mighty tall
+ladder. There is hardly enough of Ganymede in your looks to suggest
+that you were carried off by the eagle for a cupbearer.
+
+_Me_. I see you are bent on making a jest of it. Well, it
+_is_ extraordinary; you could not be expected to see that it
+is not a romance. The fact is, I needed neither ladder nor amorous
+eagle; I had wings of my own.
+
+_Fr_. Stranger and stranger! this beats Daedalus. What, you
+turned into a hawk or a crow on the sly?
+
+_Me_. Now that is not a bad shot; it was Daedalus's wing trick
+that I tried.
+
+_Fr_. Well, talk of foolhardiness! did you like the idea of
+falling into the sea, and giving us a _Mare Menippeum_ after
+the precedent of the _Icarium_?
+
+_Me_. No fear. Icarus's feathers were fastened with wax, and
+of course, directly the sun warmed this, he moulted and fell. No
+wax for me, thank you.
+
+_Fr_. How did you manage, then? I declare I shall be believing
+you soon, if you go on like this.
+
+_Me_. Well, I caught a fine eagle, and also a particularly
+powerful vulture, and cut off their wings above the shoulder-
+joint.... But no; if you are not in a hurry, I may as well give you
+the enterprise from the beginning.
+
+_Fr_. Do, do; I am rapt aloft by your words already, my mouth
+open for your _bonne bouche_; as you love me, leave me not in
+those upper regions hung up by the ears!
+
+_Me_. Listen, then; it would be a sorry sight, a friend
+deserted, with his mouth open, and _sus. per aures_.--Well, a
+very short survey of life had convinced me of the absurdity and
+meanness and insecurity that pervade all human objects, such as
+wealth, office, power. I was filled with contempt for them,
+realized that to care for them was to lose all chance of what
+deserved care, and determined to grovel no more, but fix my gaze
+upon the great All. Here I found my first problem in what wise men
+call the universal order; I could not tell how it came into being,
+who made it, what was its beginning, or what its end. But my next
+step, which was the examination of details, landed me in yet worse
+perplexity. I found the stars dotted quite casually about the sky,
+and I wanted to know what the sun was. Especially the phenomena of
+the moon struck me as extraordinary, and quite passed my
+comprehension; there must be some mystery to account for those many
+phases, I conjectured. Nor could I feel any greater certainty about
+such things as the passage of lightning, the roll of thunder, the
+descent of rain and snow and hail.
+
+In this state of mind, the best I could think of was to get at the
+truth of it all from the people called philosophers; they of course
+would be able to give it me. So I selected the best of them, if
+solemnity of visage, pallor of complexion and length of beard are
+any criterion--for there could not be a moment's doubt of their
+soaring words and heaven-high thoughts--and in their hands I placed
+myself. For a considerable sum down, and more to be paid when they
+should have perfected me in wisdom, I was to be made an airy
+metaphysician and instructed in the order of the universe.
+Unfortunately, so far from dispelling my previous ignorance, they
+perplexed me more and more, with their daily drenches of beginnings
+and ends, atoms and voids, matters and forms. My greatest
+difficulty was that, though they differed among themselves, and all
+they said was full of inconsistency and contradiction, they
+expected me to believe them, each pulling me in his own direction.
+
+_Fr_. How absurd that wise men should quarrel about facts, and
+hold different opinions on the same things!
+
+_Me_. Ah, but keep your laughter till you have heard something
+of their pretentious mystifications. To begin with, their feet are
+on the ground; they are no taller than the rest of us 'men that
+walk the earth'; they are no sharper-sighted than their neighbours,
+some of them purblind, indeed, with age or indolence; and yet they
+say they can distinguish the limits of the sky, they measure the
+sun's circumference, take their walks in the supra-lunar regions,
+and specify the sizes and shapes of the stars as though they had
+fallen from them; often one of them could not tell you correctly
+the number of miles from Megara to Athens, but has no hesitation
+about the distance in feet from the sun to the moon. How high the
+atmosphere is, how deep the sea, how far it is round the earth--
+they have the figures for all that; and moreover, they have only to
+draw some circles, arrange a few triangles and squares, add certain
+complicated spheres, and lo, they have the cubic contents of
+Heaven.
+
+Then, how reasonable and modest of them, dealing with subjects so
+debatable, to issue their views without a hint of uncertainty; thus
+it must be and it shall be; _contra gentes_ they will have it
+so; they will tell you on oath the sun is a molten mass, the moon
+inhabited, and the stars water-drinkers, moisture being drawn up by
+the sun's rope and bucket and equitably distributed among them.
+
+How their theories conflict is soon apparent; next-door neighbours?
+no, they are miles apart. In the first place, their views of the
+world differ. Some say it had no beginning, and cannot end; others
+boldly talk of its creator and his procedure; what particularly
+entertained me was that these latter set up a contriver of the
+universe, but fail to mention where he came from, or what he stood
+on while about his elaborate task, though it is by no means obvious
+how there could be place or time before the universe came into
+being.
+
+_Fr_. You really do make them out very audacious conjurers.
+
+_Me_. My dear fellow, I wish I could give you their lucubrations on
+ideas and incorporeals, on finite and infinite. Over that point,
+now, there is fierce battle; some circumscribe the All, others will
+have it unlimited. At the same time they declare for a plurality of
+worlds, and speak scornfully of others who make only one. And there
+is a bellicose person who maintains that war is the father of the
+universe. [Footnote: Variously attributed to Heraclitus, who denies
+the possibility of repose, and insists that all things are in a
+state of flux; and to Empedocles, who makes all change and becoming
+depend on the interaction of the two principles, attraction and
+repulsion.]
+
+As to Gods, I need hardly deal with that question. For some of them
+God is a number; some swear by dogs and geese and plane-trees.
+[Footnote: Socrates made a practice of substituting these for the
+names of Gods in his oaths.] Some again banish all other Gods, and
+attribute the control of the universe to a single one; I got rather
+depressed on learning how small the supply of divinity was. But I
+was comforted by the lavish souls who not only make many, but
+classify; there was a First God, and second and third classes of
+divinity. Yet again, some regard the divine nature as unsubstantial
+and without form, while others conceive it as a substance. Then
+they were not all disposed to recognize a Providence; some relieve
+the Gods of all care, as we relieve the superannuated of their
+civic duties; in fact, they treat them exactly like supernumeraries
+on the stage. The last step is also taken, of saying that Gods do
+not exist at all, and leaving the world to drift along without a
+master or a guiding hand.
+
+Well, when I heard all this, I dared not disbelieve people whose
+voices and beards were equally suggestive of Zeus. But I knew not
+where to turn for a theory that was not open to exception, nor
+combated by one as soon as propounded by another. I found myself in
+the state Homer has described; many a time I would vigorously start
+believing one of these gentlemen;
+
+  But then came second thoughts.
+
+So in my distress I began to despair of ever getting any knowledge
+about these things on earth; the only possible escape from
+perplexity would be to take to myself wings and go up to Heaven.
+Partly the wish was father to the thought; but it was confirmed by
+Aesop's Fables, from which it appears that Heaven is accessible to
+eagles, beetles, and sometimes camels. It was pretty clear that I
+could not possibly develop feathers of my own. But if I were to
+wear vulture's or eagle's wings--the only kinds equal to a man's
+weight--I might perhaps succeed. I caught the birds, and
+effectually amputated the eagle's right, and the vulture's left
+wing. These I fastened together, attached them to my shoulders with
+broad thick straps, and provided grips for my hands near the end of
+the quill-feathers. Then I made experiments, first jumping up and
+helping the jump by flapping my hands, or imitating the way a goose
+raises itself without leaving the ground and combines running with
+flight. Finding the machine obedient, I next made a bolder venture,
+went up the Acropolis, and launched myself from the cliff right
+over the theatre.
+
+Getting safely to the bottom that time, my aspirations shot up
+aloft. I took to starting from Parnes or Hymettus, flying to
+Geranea, thence to the top of the Acrocorinthus, and over Pholoe
+and Erymanthus to Taygetus. The training for my venture was now
+complete; my powers were developed, and equal to a lofty flight; no
+more fledgeling essays for me. I went up Olympus, provisioning
+myself as lightly as possible. The moment was come; I soared
+skywards, giddy at first with that great void below, but soon
+conquering this difficulty. When I approached the Moon, long after
+parting from the clouds, I was conscious of fatigue, especially in
+the left or vulture's wing. So I alighted and sat down to rest,
+having a bird's-eye view of the Earth, like the Homeric Zeus,
+
+  Surveying now the Thracian horsemen's land,
+  Now Mysia,
+
+and again, as the fancy took me, Greece or Persia or India. From
+all which I drew a manifold delight.
+
+_Fr_. Oh well, Menippus, tell me all about it. I do not want
+to miss a single one of your travel experiences; if you picked up
+any stray information, let me have that too. I promise myself a
+great many facts about the shape of the Earth, and how everything
+on it looked to you from your point of vantage.
+
+_Me_. And you will not be disappointed there, friend. So do
+your best to get up to the Moon, with my story for travelling
+companion and showman of the terrestrial scene.
+
+Imagine yourself first descrying a tiny Earth, far smaller than the
+Moon looks; on turning my eyes down, I could not think for some
+time what had become of our mighty mountains and vast sea. If I had
+not caught sight of the Colossus of Rhodes and the Pharus tower, I
+assure you I should never have made out the Earth at all. But their
+height and projection, with the faint shimmer of Ocean in the sun,
+showed me it must be the Earth I was looking at. Then, when once I
+had got my sight properly focused, the whole human race was clear
+to me, not merely in the shape of nations and cities, but the
+individuals, sailing, fighting, ploughing, going to law; the women,
+the beasts, and in short every breed 'that feedeth on earth's
+foison.'
+
+_Fr_. Most unconvincing and contradictory. Just now you were
+searching for the Earth, it was so diminished by distance, and if
+the Colossus had not betrayed it, you would have taken it for
+something else; and now you develop suddenly into a Lynceus, and
+distinguish everything upon it, the men, the beasts, one might
+almost say the gnat-swarms. Explain, please.
+
+_Me_. Why, to be sure! how did I come to leave out so essential a
+particular? I had made out the Earth, you see, but could not
+distinguish any details; the distance was so great, quite beyond
+the scope of my vision; so I was much chagrined and baffled. At
+this moment of depression--I was very near tears--who should come
+up behind me but Empedocles the physicist? His complexion was like
+charcoal variegated with ashes, as if he had been baked. I will not
+deny that I felt some tremors at the sight of him, taking him for
+some lunar spirit. But he said: 'Do not be afraid, Menippus;
+
+  A mortal I, no God; how vain thy dreams.
+
+I am Empedocles the physicist. When I threw myself into the crater
+in such a hurry, the smoke of Etna whirled me off up here; and now
+I live in the Moon, doing a good deal of high thinking on a diet of
+dew. So I have come to help you out of your difficulty; you are
+distressed, I take it, at not being able to see everything on the
+Earth.' 'Thank you so much, you good Empedocles,' I said; 'as soon
+as my wings have brought me back to Greece, I will remember to pour
+libations to you up the chimney, and salute you on the first of
+every month with three moonward yawns.' 'Endymion be my witness,'
+he replied, 'I had no thought of such a bargain; I was touched by
+the sight of your distress. Now, what do you think is the way to
+sharpen your sight?'
+
+'I have no idea, unless you were to remove the mist from my eyes
+for me; the sight seems quite bleared.' 'Oh, you can do without me;
+the thing that gives sharp sight you have brought with you from
+Earth.' 'Unconsciously, then; what is it?' 'Why, you know that you
+have on an eagle's right wing?' 'Of course I do; but what have
+wings and eyes to do with one another?' 'Only this,' he said; 'the
+eagle is far the strongest-eyed of all living things, the only one
+that can look straight at the sun; the test of the true royal eagle
+is, his meeting its rays without blinking.' 'So I have heard; I
+wish I had taken out my own eyes when I was starting, and
+substituted the eagle's. I am an imperfect specimen now I am here,
+not up to the royal standard at all, but like the rejected
+bastards.' 'Well, you can very soon acquire one royal eye. If you
+will stand up for a minute, keep the vulture wing still, and work
+the other, your right eye, corresponding to that wing, will gain
+strength. As for the other, its dimness cannot possibly be
+obviated, as it belongs to the inferior member.' 'Oh, I shall be
+quite content with aquiline vision for the right eye only,' I said;
+'I have often observed that carpenters in ruling their wood find
+one better than two.' So saying, I proceeded to carry out my
+instructions at once. Empedocles began gradually to disappear, and
+at last vanished in smoke.
+
+I had no sooner flapped the wing than a flood of light enveloped
+me, and things that before I had not even been aware of became
+perfectly clear. I turned my eyes down earthwards, and with ease
+discerned cities, men, and all that was going on, not merely in the
+open, but in the fancied security of houses. There was Ptolemy in
+his sister's arms, the son of Lysimachus plotting against his
+father, Seleucus's son Antiochus making signs to his step-mother
+Stratonice, Alexander of Pherae being murdered by his wife,
+Antigonus corrupting his daughter-in-law, the son of Attalus
+putting the poison in his cup; Arsaces was in the act of slaying
+his mistress, while the eunuch Arbaces drew his sword upon him; the
+guards were dragging Spatinus the Mede out from the banquet by the
+foot, with the lump on his brow from the golden cup. Similar sights
+were to be seen in the palaces of Libya and Scythia and Thrace--
+adulteries, murders, treasons, robberies, perjuries, suspicions,
+and monstrous betrayals.
+
+Such was the entertainment afforded me by royalty; private life was
+much more amusing; for I could make that out too. I saw Hermodorus
+the Epicurean perjuring himself for 40 pounds, Agathocles the Stoic
+suing a pupil for his fees, lawyer Clinias stealing a bowl from the
+temple of Asclepius, and Herophilus the cynic sleeping in a
+brothel. Not to mention the multitude of burglars, litigants,
+usurers, duns; oh, it was a fine representative show!
+
+_Fr_. I must say, Menippus, I should have liked the details
+here too; it all seems to have been very much to your taste.
+
+_Me_. I could not go through the whole of it, even to please
+you; to take it in with the eyes kept one busy. But the main
+divisions were very much what Homer gives from the shield of
+Achilles: here junketings and marriages, there courts and councils,
+in another compartment a sacrifice, and hard by a mourning. If I
+glanced at Getica, I would see the Getae at war; at Scythia, there
+were the Scythians wandering about on their waggons; half a turn in
+another direction gave me Egyptians at the plough, or Phoenicians
+chaffering, Cilician pirates, Spartan flagellants, Athenians at
+law.
+
+All this was simultaneous, you understand; and you must try to
+conceive what a queer jumble it all made. It was as if a man were
+to collect a number of choristers, or rather of choruses,
+[Footnote: The Greek chorus combined singing with dancing.] and
+then tell each individual to disregard the others and start a
+strain of his own; if each did his best, went his own way, and
+tried to drown his neighbour, can you imagine what the musical
+effect would be?
+
+_Fr_. A very ridiculous confusion.
+
+_Me_. Well, friend, such are the earthly dancers; the life of
+man is just such a discordant performance; not only are the voices
+jangled, but the steps are not uniform, the motions not concerted,
+the objects not agreed upon--until the impresario dismisses them
+one by one from the stage, with a 'not wanted.' Then they are all
+alike, and quiet enough, confounding no longer their undisciplined
+rival strains. But as long as the show lasts in its marvellous
+diversity, there is plenty of food for laughter in its vagaries.
+
+The people who most amused me, however, were those who dispute
+about boundaries, or pride themselves on cultivating the plain of
+Sicyon, or holding the Oenoe side of Marathon, or a thousand acres
+at Acharnae. The whole of Greece, as I then saw it, might measure
+some four inches; how much smaller Athens on the same scale. So I
+realized what sort of sized basis for their pride remains to our
+rich men. The widest-acred of them all, methought, was the proud
+cultivator of an Epicurean atom. Then I looked at the Peloponnese,
+my eyes fell on the Cynurian district, and the thought occurred
+that it was for this little plot, no broader than an Egyptian
+lentil, that all those Argives and Spartans fell in a single day.
+Or if I saw a man puffed up by the possession of seven or eight
+gold rings and half as many gold cups, again my lungs would begin
+to crow; why, Pangaeus with all its mines was about the size of a
+grain of millet.
+
+_Fr_. You lucky man! what a rare sight you had! And how big,
+now, did the towns and the people look from there?
+
+_Me_. You must often have seen a community of ants, some of
+them a seething mass, some going abroad, others coming back to
+town. One is a scavenger, another a bustling porter loaded with a
+bit of bean-pod or half a wheat grain. They no doubt have, on their
+modest myrmecic scale, their architects and politicians, their
+magistrates and composers and philosophers. At any rate, what men
+and cities suggested to me was just so many ant-hills. If you think
+the similitude too disparaging, look into the Thessalian legends,
+and you will find that the most warlike tribe there was the
+Myrmidons, or ants turned men. Well, when I had had enough of
+contemplation and laughter, I roused myself and soared
+
+  To join the Gods, where dwells the Lord of storms.
+
+I had only flown a couple of hundred yards, when Selene's feminine
+voice reached me: 'Menippus, do me an errand to Zeus, and I will
+wish you a pleasant journey.' 'You have only to name it,' I said,
+'provided it is not something to carry.' 'It is a simple message of
+entreaty to Zeus. I am tired to death, you must know, of being
+slandered by these philosophers; they have no better occupation
+than impertinent curiosity about me--What am I? how big am I? why
+am I halved? why am I gibbous? I am inhabited; I am just a mirror
+hung over the sea; I am--whatever their latest fancy suggests. It
+is the last straw when they say my light is stolen, sham, imported
+from the sun, and keep on doing their best to get up jealousy and
+ill feeling between brother and sister. They might have been
+contented with making _him_ out a stone or a red-hot lump.
+
+'These gentry who in the day look so stern and manly, dress so
+gravely, and are so revered by common men, would be surprised to
+learn how much I know of their vile nightly abominations. I see
+them all, though I never tell; it would be too indecent to make
+revelations, and show up the contrast between their nightly doings
+and their public performances; so, if I catch one of them in
+adultery or theft or other nocturnal adventure, I pull my cloud
+veil over me; I do not want the vulgar to see old men disgracing
+their long beards and their virtuous calling. But they go on giving
+tongue and worrying me all the same, and, so help me Night, I have
+thought many a time of going a long, long way off, out of reach of
+their impertinent tongues. Will you remember to tell Zeus all this?
+and you may add that I cannot remain at my post unless he will
+pulverize the physicists, muzzle the logicians, raze the Porch,
+burn the Academy, and put an end to strolling in the Lyceum. That
+might secure me a little peace from these daily mensurations.'
+
+'I will remember,' said I, and resumed my upward flight to Heaven,
+through
+
+  A region where nor ox nor man had wrought.
+
+For the Moon was soon but a small object, with the Earth entirely
+hidden behind it. Three days' flight through the stars, with the
+Sun on my right hand, brought me close to Heaven; and my first idea
+was to go straight in as I was; I should easily pass unobserved in
+virtue of my half-eagleship; for of course the eagle was Zeus's
+familiar; on second thoughts, though, my vulture wing would very
+soon betray me. So, thinking it better not to run any risks, I went
+up to the door and knocked. Hermes opened, took my name, and
+hurried off to inform Zeus. After a brief wait I was asked to step
+in; I was now trembling with apprehension, and I found that the
+Gods, who were all seated together, were not quite easy themselves.
+The unexpected nature of the visit was slightly disturbing to them,
+and they had visions of all mankind arriving at my heels by the
+same conveyance.
+
+But Zeus bent upon me a Titanic glance, awful, penetrating, and
+spoke:
+
+  Who art thou? where thy city? who thy kin?
+
+At the sound, I nearly died of fear, but remained upright, though
+mute and paralysed by that thunderous voice. I gradually recovered,
+began at the beginning, and gave a clear account of myself--how I
+had been possessed with curiosity about the heavens, had gone to
+the philosophers, found their accounts conflicting, and grown tired
+of being logically rent in twain; so I came to my great idea, my
+wings, and ultimately to Heaven; I added Selene's message. Zeus
+smiled and slightly unbent his brow. 'What of Otus and Ephialtes
+now?' he said; 'here is Menippus scaling Heaven! Well, well, for
+to-day consider yourself our guest. To-morrow we will treat with
+you of your business, and send you on your way.' And therewith he
+rose and walked to the acoustic centre of Heaven, it being prayer
+time.
+
+As he went, he put questions to me about earthly affairs, beginning
+with, What was wheat a quarter in Greece? had we suffered much from
+cold last winter? and did the vegetables want more rain? Then he
+wished to know whether any of Phidias's kin were alive, why there
+had been no Diasia at Athens all these years, whether his Olympieum
+was ever going to be completed, and had the robbers of his temple
+at Dodona been caught? I answered all these questions, and he
+proceeded:--'Tell me, Menippus, what are men's feelings towards
+me?' 'What should they be, Lord, but those of absolute reverence,
+as to the King of all Gods?' 'Now, now, chaffing as usual,' he
+said; 'I know their fickleness very well, for all your dissimulation.
+There was a time when I was their prophet, their healer, and their
+all,
+
+  And Zeus filled every street and gathering-place.
+
+In those days Dodona and Pisa were glorious and far-famed, and I
+could not get a view for the clouds of sacrificial steam. But now
+Apollo has set up his oracle at Delphi, Asclepius his temple of
+health at Pergamum, Bendis and Anubis and Artemis their shrines in
+Thrace, Egypt, Ephesus; and to these all run; theirs the festal
+gatherings and the hecatombs. As for me, I am superannuated; they
+think themselves very generous if they offer me a victim at Olympia
+at four-year intervals. My altars are cold as Plato's _Laws_
+or Chrysippus's _Syllogisms_.'
+
+So talking, we reached the spot where he was to sit and listen to
+the prayers. There was a row of openings with lids like well-
+covers, and a chair of gold by each. Zeus took his seat at the
+first, lifted off the lid and inclined his ear. From every quarter
+of Earth were coming the most various and contradictory petitions;
+for I too bent down my head and listened. Here are specimens. 'O
+Zeus, that I might be king!' 'O Zeus, that my onions and garlic
+might thrive!' 'Ye Gods, a speedy death for my father!' Or again,
+'Would that I might succeed to my wife's property!' 'Grant that my
+plot against my brother be not detected.' 'Let me win my suit.'
+'Give me an Olympic garland.' Of those at sea, one prayed for a
+north, another for a south wind; the farmer asked for rain, the
+fuller for sun. Zeus listened, and gave each prayer careful
+consideration, but without promising to grant them all;
+
+  Our Father this bestowed, and that withheld.
+
+Righteous prayers he allowed to come up through the hole, received
+and laid them down at his right, while he sent the unholy ones
+packing with a downward puff of breath, that Heaven might not be
+defiled by their entrance. In one case I saw him puzzled; two men
+praying for opposite things and promising the same sacrifices, he
+could not tell which of them to favour, and experienced a truly
+Academic suspense of judgement, showing a reserve and equilibrium
+worthy of Pyrrho himself.
+
+The prayers disposed of, he went on to the next chair and opening,
+and attended to oaths and their takers. These done with, and
+Hermodorus the Epicurean annihilated, he proceeded to the next
+chair to deal with omens, prophetic voices, and auguries. Then came
+the turn of the sacrifice aperture, through which the smoke came up
+and communicated to Zeus the name of the devotee it represented.
+After that, he was free to give his wind and weather orders:--Rain
+for Scythia to-day, a thunderstorm for Libya, snow for Greece. The
+north wind he instructed to blow in Lydia, the west to raise a
+storm in the Adriatic, the south to take a rest; a thousand bushels
+of hail to be distributed over Cappadocia.
+
+His work was now pretty well completed, and as it was just dinner
+time, we went to the banquet hall. Hermes received me, and gave me
+my place next to a group of Gods whose alien origin left them in a
+rather doubtful position--Pan, the Corybants, Attis, and Sabazius.
+I was supplied with bread by Demeter, wine by Dionysus, meat by
+Heracles, myrtle-blossoms by Aphrodite, and sprats by Posidon. But
+I also got a sly taste of ambrosia and nectar; good-natured
+Ganymede, as often as he saw that Zeus's attention was engaged
+elsewhere, brought round the nectar and indulged me with a half-
+pint or so. The Gods, as Homer (who I think must have had the same
+opportunities of observation as myself) somewhere says, neither eat
+bread nor drink the ruddy wine; they heap their plates with
+ambrosia, and are nectar-bibbers; but their choicest dainties are
+the smoke of sacrifice ascending with rich fumes, and the blood of
+victims poured by their worshippers round the altars. During
+dinner, Apollo harped, Silenus danced his wild measures, the Muses
+uprose and sang to us from Hesiod's _Birth of Gods_, and the
+first of Pindar's odes. When we had our fill and had well drunken,
+we slumbered, each where he was.
+
+  Slept all the Gods, and men with plumed helms,
+  That livelong night; but me kind sleep forsook;
+
+for I had much upon my mind; most of all, how came it that Apollo,
+in all that time, had never grown a beard? and how was night
+possible in Heaven, with the sun always there taking his share of
+the good cheer? So I had but a short nap of it. And in the morning
+Zeus arose, and bade summon an assembly.
+
+When all were gathered, he thus commenced:--'The immediate occasion
+of my summoning you is the arrival of this stranger yesterday. But
+I have long intended to take counsel with you regarding the
+philosophers, and now, urged by Selene and her complaints, I have
+determined to defer the consideration of the question no longer.
+There is a class which has recently become conspicuous among men;
+they are idle, quarrelsome, vain, irritable, lickerish, silly,
+puffed up, arrogant, and, in Homeric phrase, vain cumberers of the
+earth. These men have divided themselves into bands, each dwelling
+in a separate word-maze of its own construction, and call
+themselves Stoics, Epicureans, Peripatetics, and more farcical
+names yet. Then they take to themselves the holy name of Virtue,
+and with uplifted brows and flowing beards exhibit the deceitful
+semblance that hides immoral lives; their model is the tragic
+actor, from whom if you strip off the mask and the gold-spangled
+robe, there is nothing left but a paltry fellow hired for a few
+shillings to play a part.
+
+'Nevertheless, quite undeterred by their own characters, they scorn
+the human and travesty the divine; they gather a company of
+guileless youths, and feed them with solemn chatter upon Virtue and
+quibbling verbal puzzles; in their pupils' presence they are all
+for fortitude and temperance, and have no words bad enough for
+wealth and pleasure: when they are by themselves, there is no limit
+to their gluttony, their lechery, their licking of dirty pence. But
+the head and front of their offending is this: they neither work
+themselves nor help others' work; they are useless drones,
+
+  Of no avail in council nor in war;
+
+which notwithstanding, they censure others; they store up poisoned
+words, they con invectives, they heap their neighbours with
+reproaches; their highest honours are for him who shall be loudest
+and most overbearing and boldest in abuse.
+
+'Ask one of these brawling bawling censors, And what do _you_
+do? in God's name, what shall we call _your_ contribution to
+progress? and he would reply, if conscience and truth were anything
+to him: I consider it superfluous to sail the sea or till the earth
+or fight for my country or follow a trade; but I have a loud voice
+and a dirty body; I eschew warm water and go barefoot through the
+winter; I am a Momus who can always pick holes in other people's
+coats; if a rich man keeps a costly table or a mistress, I make it
+my business to be properly horrified; but if my familiar friend is
+lying sick, in need of help and care, I am not aware of it. Such,
+your Godheads, is the nature of this vermin.
+
+'There is a special insolence in those who call themselves
+Epicureans; these go so far as to lay their hands on our character;
+we take no interest in human affairs, they say, and in fact have
+nothing to do with the course of events. And this is a serious
+question for you; if once they infect their generation with this
+view, you will learn what hunger means. Who will sacrifice to you,
+if he does not expect to profit by it? As to Selene's complaints,
+you all heard them yesterday from this stranger's lips. And now
+decide upon such measures as shall advantage mankind and secure
+your own safety.'
+
+Zeus had no sooner closed his speech than clamour prevailed, all
+crying at once: Blast! burn! annihilate! to the pit with them! to
+Tartarus! to the Giants! Zeus ordered silence again, and then,
+'Your wishes,' he said, 'shall be executed; they shall all be
+annihilated, and their logic with them. But just at present
+chastisement is not lawful; you are aware that we are now in the
+four months of the long vacation; the formal notice has lately been
+issued. In the spring of next year, the baleful levin-bolt shall
+give them the fate they deserve.'
+
+  He spake, and sealed his word with lowering brows.
+
+'As to Menippus,' he added, 'my pleasure is this. He shall be
+deprived of his wings, and so incapacitated for repeating his
+visit, but shall to-day be conveyed back to Earth by Hermes.' So
+saying, he dismissed the assembly. The Cyllenian accordingly lifted
+me up by the right ear, and yesterday evening deposited me in the
+Ceramicus. And now, friend, you have all the latest from Heaven. I
+must be off to the Poecile, to let the philosophers loitering there
+know the luck they are in.
+
+
+
+
+THE DOUBLE INDICTMENT
+
+
+_Zeus. Hermes. Justice. Pan. Several Athenians. The Academy. The
+Porch. Epicurus. Virtue. Luxury. Diogenes. Rhetoric. A Syrian.
+Dialogue_
+
+
+_Zeus_. A curse on all those philosophers who will have it
+that none but the Gods are happy! If they could but know what we
+have to put up with on men's account, they would not envy us our
+nectar and our ambrosia. They take Homer's word for it all,--the
+word of a blind quack; 'tis he who pronounces us blessed, and
+expatiates on heavenly glories, he who could not see in front of
+his own nose. Look at the Sun, now. He yokes that chariot, and is
+riding through the heavens from morn till night, clothed in his
+garment of fire, and dispensing his rays abroad; not so much
+breathing-space as goes to the scratching of an ear; once let his
+horses catch him napping, and they have the bit between their teeth
+and are off 'cross country, with the result that the Earth is
+scorched to a cinder. The Moon is no better off: she is kept up
+into the small hours to light the reveller and the diner-out upon
+their homeward path. And then Apollo,--_he_ has his work cut
+out for him: with such a press of oracular business, it is much if
+he has any ears left to hear with: he is wanted at Delphi; the next
+minute, he must be off to Colophon; then away to Xanthus; then back
+at a trot to Clarus; then it is Delos, then Branchidae;--in short,
+he is at the beck of every priestess who has taken her draught of
+holy water, munched her laurel-leaf, and made the tripod rock; it
+is now or never; if he is not there that minute to reel off the
+required oracle, his credit is gone. The traps they set for him
+too! He must have a dog's nose for lamb and tortoise in the pot, or
+his Lydian customer [Footnote: See _Croesus_ in Notes.] departs,
+laughing him to scorn. As for Asclepius, he has no peace for his
+patients: his eyes are acquainted with horror, and his hands with
+loathsomeness; another's sickness is his pain. To say nothing of
+the work that the Winds have to get through, what with sowing and
+winnowing and getting the ships along; or of Sleep, always on the
+wing, with Dream at his side all night giving a helping hand. Men
+have to thank us for all this: every one of us contributes his
+share to their well-being. And the others have an easy time of it,
+compared to me, to me the King and Father of all. The annoyances I
+have to put up with! the worry of thinking of all these things at
+once! I must keep an eye on all the rest, to begin with, or they
+would be making some silly mistake; and as for the work I have to
+do with my own hands, there is no end to it; such complications! it
+is all I can do to get through with it. It is not as if I had only
+the main issues to attend to, the rain and hail and wind and
+lightning, and as soon as I had arranged them could sit down,
+feeling that my own particular work was over: no, besides all that,
+I must be looking every way at once, Argus-eyed for theft and
+perjury, as for sacrifice; the moment a libation has been poured,
+it is for me to locate the savoury smoke that rises; for me it is
+to hear the cry of the sick man and of the sailor; at one and the
+same moment, a hecatomb demands my presence at Olympia, a battle in
+the plain of Babylon; hail is due in Thrace, dinner in Ethiopia;
+'tis too much! And do what I may, it is hard to give satisfaction.
+Many is the time that all besides, both Gods and men of plumed
+helm, have slept the long night through, while unto Zeus sweet
+slumber has not come nigh. If I nod for a moment, behold, Epicurus
+is justified, and our indifference to the affairs of Earth made
+manifest; and if once men lend an ear to that doctrine, the
+consequences will be serious: our temples will go ungarlanded; the
+streets will be redolent no longer of roast meat, the bowl no
+longer yield us libation; our altars will be cold, sacrifice and
+oblation will be at an end, and utter starvation must ensue. Hence
+like a pilot I stand up at the helm all alone, tiller in hand,
+while every soul on board is asleep, and probably drunk; no rest,
+no food for me, while I ponder in my mind and breast on the common
+safety; and my reward? to be called the Lord of all! I should like
+to ask those philosophers who assign us the monopoly of
+blessedness, when they suppose we find time for nectar and ambrosia
+among our ceaseless occupations. Look at the mildewed, cob-webbed
+stack of petitions mouldering on their files in our chancery, for
+want of time to attend to them: look only at the cases pending
+between men and the various Arts and Sciences; venerable relics,
+some of them! Angry protests against the delays of the law reach me
+from all quarters; men cannot understand that it is from no neglect
+of ours that these judgements have been postponed; it is simply
+pressure of business--pressure of blessedness, if they will have it
+so.
+
+_Her_. I myself, father, have heard a great deal of dissatisfaction
+expressed on Earth, only I did not like to mention it to you.
+However, as you have introduced the subject yourself, I may say
+that the discontent is general: men do not venture to express their
+resentment openly, but there are mutterings in corners about the
+delay. It is high time they were all put out of their suspense, for
+better or for worse.
+
+_Zeus_. And what would you have me do, my boy? hold a session
+at once? or shall we say next year?
+
+_Her_. Oh, at once, by all means.
+
+_Zeus_. To work, then: fly down, and make proclamation in the
+following terms: All litigant parties to assemble this day on
+Areopagus: Justice to assign them their juries from the whole body
+of the Athenians, the number of the jury to be in proportion to the
+amount of damages claimed; any party doubting the justice of his
+sentence to have the right of appeal to me. And you, my daughter,
+take your seat by the side of the Dread Goddesses [Footnote: See
+_Erinnyes_ in Notes.], cast lots for the order of the trials,
+and superintend the formation of juries.
+
+_Just_. You would have me return to Earth, once more to be
+driven thence in ignominious flight by the intolerable taunts of
+Injustice?
+
+_Zeus_. Hope for better things. The philosophers have quite
+convinced every one by this time of your superiority. The son of
+Sophroniscus was particularly strong on your merits: he laid it
+down that Justice was the highest Good.
+
+_Just_. Yes; and very serviceable his dissertations on Justice
+were to him, were they not, when he was handed over to the Eleven,
+and thrown into prison, and drank the hemlock? Poor man, he had not
+even time to sacrifice the cock he owed to Asclepius. His accusers
+were too much for him altogether, and _their_ philosophy had
+Injustice for its object.
+
+_Zeus_. But in those days philosophy was not generally known,
+and had but few exponents; it is not surprising that the scale
+turned in favour of Anytus and Meletus. But now it is different:
+look at the number of cloaks and sticks and wallets that are about;
+everywhere philosophers, long-bearded, book in hand, maintain your
+cause; the public walks are filled with their contending hosts, and
+every man of them calls Virtue his nurse. Numbers have abandoned
+their former professions to pounce upon wallet and cloak; these
+ready-made philosophers, carpenters once or cobblers, now duly
+tanned to the true Ethiopian hue, are singing your praises high and
+low. 'He that falls on shipboard strikes wood,' says the proverb;
+and the eye, wheresoever it fall, will light on philosophers.
+
+_Just_. Yes, father, but they frighten me: they quarrel so
+among themselves; and when they talk about me, they only expose
+their own little minds. And, from what I hear, most of those who
+make so free with my name show no inclination at all to put my
+principles into practice. I may count upon finding their doors
+closed to _me_: Injustice has been beforehand with me.
+
+_Zeus_. Come, child, they are not all so bad, and if you can
+find a few honest men it will be something. Now, off with you both,
+and see if you can't get a few cases settled up to-day.
+
+_Her_. Well, Justice: yonder is our road: straight in the line
+for Sunium, to the foot of Hymettus, taking Parnes on our right;
+you see those two hills? You have quite forgotten the way, I
+suppose, in all this time? Now, now: weeping? why so vexed? There
+is nothing to fear. Things are quite different in these days: the
+Scirons and Pityocampteses and Busirises and Phalarises who used to
+frighten you so are all dead: Wisdom, the Academy, the Porch, now
+hold sway everywhere. They are all your admirers; their talk is all
+of you; they yearn to see you descend to them once more.
+
+_Just_. Tell me, Hermes,--you if any one must know the truth;
+you are generally busy either in the Gymnasium or else in the
+Market, making proclamation to the Assembly,--what are the
+Athenians like now? shall I be able to live with them?
+
+_Her_. We are brother and sister, it is only right that I
+should tell you the truth. Well then, Philosophy has made a
+considerable change for the better in most of them; at the worst,
+their respect for the cloth is some check on their misdeeds. At the
+same time--not to conceal anything--you will find villains amongst
+them; and you will find some who are neither quite philosophers nor
+quite knaves. The fact is, Philosophy's dyeing process is still
+going on. Some have absorbed the full quantity of dye; these are
+perfect specimens of her art, and show no admixture of other
+colours; with them you will find a ready reception. But others,
+owing to their original impurities, are not yet completely
+saturated; they are better than the generality of mankind, but they
+are not all they should be; they are piebald or spotted or dappled.
+Others again there are who have contented themselves with merely
+rubbing a fingertip in the soot on the outside of the cauldron, and
+smearing themselves with that; after which they consider the dyeing
+process complete. But you, of course, will only live with the best.
+Meanwhile, here we are, close to Attica; we must now leave Sunium
+on our right, and diverge towards the Acropolis. Good: _terra
+firma_. You had better sit down somewhere here on the Areopagus,
+in the direction of the Pnyx, and wait whilst I make Zeus's
+proclamation. I shall go up into the Acropolis; that will be the
+easiest way of making every one hear the summons.
+
+_Just_. Before you go, Hermes, tell me who this is coming
+along; a man with horns and a pipe and shaggy legs.
+
+_Her_. Why, you must know Pan, most festive of all Dionysus's
+followers? He used to live on Mount Parthenius: but at the time of
+the Persian expedition under Datis, when the barbarians landed at
+Marathon, he volunteered in the Athenian service; and ever since
+then he has had the cave yonder at the foot of the Acropolis, a
+little past the Pelasgicum, and pays his taxes like any other
+naturalized foreigner. Seeing us so near at hand, I suppose he is
+coming up to make his compliments.
+
+_Pan_. Hail, Justice and Hermes!
+
+_Just_. Hail, Pan; chief of Satyrs in dance and song, and most
+gallant of Athens' soldiers!
+
+_Pan_. But what brings you here, Hermes?
+
+_Her_. Justice will explain; I must be off to the Acropolis on
+my errand.
+
+_Just_. Zeus has sent me down, Pan, to preside in the law-
+court.--And how do you like Athens?
+
+_Pan_. Well, the fact is, I am a good deal disappointed: they
+do not treat me with the consideration to which I am entitled,
+after repelling that tremendous barbarian invasion. All they do is
+to come up to my cave two or three times a year with a particularly
+high-scented goat, and sacrifice him: I am permitted to look on
+whilst they enjoy the feast, and am complimented with a perfunctory
+dance. However, there is some joking and merrymaking on the
+occasion, and that I find rather fun.
+
+_Just_. And, Pan,--have they become more virtuous under the
+hands of the philosophers?
+
+_Pan_. Philosophers? Oh! people with beards just like mine;
+sepulchral beings, who are always getting together and jabbering?
+
+_Just_. Those are they.
+
+_Pan_. I can't understand a word they say; their philosophy is
+too much for me. I am mountain-bred; smart city-language is not in
+my line; sophists and philosophers are not known in Arcadia. I am a
+good hand at flute or pipe; I can mind goats, I can dance, I can
+fight at a pinch, and that is all. But I hear them all day long,
+bawling out a string of hard words about virtue, and nature, and
+ideas, and things incorporeal. They are good enough friends when
+the argument begins, but their voices mount higher and higher as
+they go on, and end in a scream; they get more and more excited,
+and all try to speak at once; they grow red in the face, their
+necks swell, and their veins stand out, for all the world like a
+flute-player on a high note. The argument is turned upside down,
+they forget what they are trying to prove, and finally go off
+abusing one another and brushing the sweat from their brows;
+victory rests with him who can show the boldest front and the
+loudest voice, and hold his ground the longest. The people,
+especially those who have nothing better to do, adore them, and
+stand spellbound under their confident bawlings. For all that I
+could see, they were no better than humbugs, and I was none too
+pleased at their copying my beard. If there were any use in their
+noise, if the talking did any good to the public, I should not have
+a word to say against them: but, to tell you the plain unvarnished
+truth, I have more than once looked out from my peep-hole yonder
+and seen them--
+
+_Just_. Hush, Pan: was not that Hermes making the
+proclamation?
+
+_Pan_. I thought so.
+
+_Her. Be it known to all men that we purpose on this seventh day
+of March to hold a court of justice, and Fortune defend the right!
+All litigant parties to assemble on Areopagus, where Justice will
+assign the juries and preside over the trials in person. The juries
+to be taken from the whole Athenian people; the pay to be sixpence
+for each case; the number of jurors to vary with the nature of the
+accusation. Any parties who had commenced legal proceedings and
+have died in the interim to be sent up by Aeacus. Any party
+doubting the justice of his sentence may appeal; the appeal to he
+heard by Zeus._
+
+_Pan_. Talk about noise! how they shout! And what a hurry they
+are in to get here! See how one hales another up the hill! Here
+comes Hermes himself. Well, I leave you to your juries and your
+evidence; you are accustomed to it. I will return to my cave, and
+there play over one of those amorous ditties with which I love to
+upbraid Echo. As to rhetoric and law-pleadings, I hear enough of
+those every day in this very court of Areopagus.
+
+_Her_. We had better summon the parties, Justice.
+
+_Just_. True. Only look at the crowd, bustling and buzzing
+about the hilltop like a swarm of wasps!
+
+_First Ath_. I've got you, curse you.
+
+_Second Ath_. Pooh! a trumped-up charge.
+
+_Third Ath_. At last! you shall get your deserts this time.
+
+_Fourth Ath_. Your villany shall be unmasked.
+
+_Fifth Ath_. My jury first, Hermes.
+
+_Sixth Ath_. Come along: into court with you, rascal.
+
+_Seventh Ath_. You needn't throttle me.
+
+_Just_. Do you know what I think we had better do, Hermes? Put
+off all the other cases for to-morrow, and only take to-day the
+charges brought by Arts, Professions, and Philosophies. Pick me out
+all of that kind.
+
+_Her_. Drink _v_. the Academy, _re_ Polemon,
+kidnapped.
+
+_Just_. Seven jurors.
+
+_Her_. Porch _v_. Pleasure. Defendant is charged with
+seducing Dionysius, plaintiff's admirer.
+
+_Just_. Five will do for that.
+
+_Her_. Luxury _v_. Virtue, _re_ Aristippus.
+
+_Just_. Five again.
+
+_Her_. Bank _v_. Diogenes, alleged to have run away from
+plaintiff's service.
+
+_Just_. Three only.
+
+_Her_. Painting _v_. Pyrrho. Desertion from the ranks.
+
+_Just_. That will want nine.
+
+_Her_. What about these two charges just brought against a
+rhetorician?
+
+_Just_. No, those can stand over; we must work off the arrears
+first.
+
+_Her_. Well, these cases are of just the same kind. They are
+not old ones, it is true, but they are very like those you have
+taken, and might fairly be heard with them.
+
+_Just_. That looks rather like favouritism, Hermes. However,
+as you like; only these must be the last; we have got quite enough.
+What are they?
+
+_Her_. Rhetoric _v_. a Syrian [Footnote: i.e. Lucian. See
+Volume I, Introduction, Section I, Life.], for neglect; Dialogue
+_v_. the same, for assault.
+
+_Just_. And who is this Syrian? There is no name given.
+
+_Her_. That is all: the Syrian rhetorician; he can have a jury
+without having a name.
+
+_Just_. So! here on Areopagus I am to give juries to outsiders, who
+ought to be tried on the other side of the Euphrates? Well, give
+him eleven, and they can hear both cases.
+
+_Her_. That's right; it will save a lot of expense.
+
+_Just_. First case: the Academy _versus_ Drink. Let the
+jury take their seats. Mark the time,' Hermes. Drink, open the
+case.... Not a word? can you do nothing but nod?--Hermes, go and
+see what is the matter with her.
+
+_Her_. She says she cannot plead, she would only be laughed
+at; wine has tied her tongue. As you see, she can hardly stand.
+
+_Just_. Well, there are plenty of able counsel present, ready
+to shout themselves hoarse for sixpence; let her employ one of
+them.
+
+_Her_. No one will have anything to do with such a client in
+open court. But she makes a very reasonable proposal.
+
+_Just_. Yes?
+
+_Her_. The Academy is always ready to take both sides; she
+makes a point of contradicting herself plausibly. 'Let her speak
+first on my behalf,' says Drink, 'and then on her own.'
+
+_Just_. A novel form of procedure. However, go on, Academy;
+speak on both sides, if you find it so easy.
+
+_Acad_. First, gentlemen of the jury, let me state the case
+for 16 Drink, as her time is now being taken.
+
+My unfortunate client, gentlemen, has been cruelly wronged: I have
+torn from her the one slave on whose loyalty and affection she
+could rely, the only one who saw nothing censurable in her conduct.
+I allude to Polemon, whose days, from morning to night, were spent
+in revel; who in broad daylight sought the publicity of the Market
+in the company of music--girls and singers; ever drunk, ever
+headachy, ever garlanded. In support of my statements, I appeal to
+every man in Athens to say whether he had ever seen Polemon sober.
+But in an evil hour for him, his revels, which had brought him to
+so many other doors, brought him at length to my own. I laid hands
+on him, tore him away by brute force from the plaintiff, and made
+him my own; giving him water to drink, teaching him sobriety, and
+stripping him of his garlands. He, who should have been sitting
+over his wine, now became acquainted with the perverse, the
+harassing, the pernicious quibbles of philosophy. Alas! the ruddy
+glow has departed from his cheek; he is pale and wasted; his songs
+are all forgotten; there are times when he will sit far on into the
+night, tasting neither meat nor drink, while he reels out the
+meaningless platitudes with which I have so abundantly supplied
+him. I have even incited him to attack the character of my client,
+and to utter a thousand base insinuations against her good fame.
+
+The case of Drink is now complete. I proceed to state my own. Let
+my time be taken.
+
+_Just_. What will the defendant have to say to that, I wonder?
+Give her the same time allowance.
+
+_Acad_. Nothing, gentlemen of the jury, could sound more
+plausible than the arguments advanced by my learned friend on her
+client's behalf. And yet, if you will give me your favourable
+attention, I shall convince you that the plaintiff has suffered no
+wrong at my hands. This Polemon, whom plaintiff claims as her
+servant, so far from having any natural connexion with her, is one
+whose excellent parts entitle him to claim kinship and affinity
+with myself. He was still a boy, his powers were yet unformed, when
+plaintiff, aided and abetted by Pleasure--ever her partner in
+crime--seized upon him, and delivered him over into the clutches of
+debauchery and dissipation, under whose corrupt influence the
+unfortunate young man utterly lost all sense of shame. Those very
+facts that plaintiff supposed to be so many arguments in her favour
+will be found, on the contrary, to make for my own case. From early
+morning (as my learned friend has just observed) did the misguided
+Polemon, with aching head and garlanded, stagger through the open
+market to the noise of flutes, never sober, brawling with all he
+met; a reproach to his ancestors and his city, a laughing-stock to
+foreigners. One day he reached my door. He found it open: I was
+discoursing to a company of my disciples, as is my wont, upon
+virtue and temperance. He stood there, with the flute-girl at his
+side and the garlands on his head, and sought at first to drown our
+conversation with his noisy outcry. But we paid no heed to him, and
+little by little our words produced a sobering effect, for Drink
+had not entire possession of him: he bade the flute-girl cease,
+tore off his garlands, and looked with shame at his luxurious
+dress. Like one waking from deep sleep, he saw himself as he was,
+and repented of his past life; the flush of drunkenness faded and
+vanished from his cheek, and was succeeded by a blush of shame; at
+last, not (as plaintiff would have you believe) in response to any
+invitation of mine, nor under any compulsion, but of his own free
+will, and in the conviction of my superiority, he renounced his
+former mistress there and then, and entered my service. Bring him
+into court. You shall see for yourselves, gentlemen, what he has
+become under my treatment. Behold that Polemon whom I found drunk,
+unable to speak or stand upright, an object of ridicule: I turned
+him from his evil ways; I taught him sobriety; and I present him to
+you, no longer a slave, but a decent and orderly citizen, a credit
+to his nation. In conclusion let me say that the change I have
+wrought in him has won me the gratitude not only of Polemon himself
+but of all his friends. Which of us has been the more profitable
+companion for him, it is now for the jury to decide.
+
+_Her_. Come, gentlemen, get up and give your votes. There is
+no time to be lost; we have other cases coming on.
+
+_Just_. Academy wins, by six votes to one.
+
+_Her_. I am not surprised to find that Drink has one adherent.
+Jurors in the case of Porch _v_. Pleasure _re_ Dionysius take
+their seats! The lady of the frescoes [Footnote: See _Poecile_ in
+Notes.] may begin; her time is noted.
+
+_Porch_. I am not ignorant, gentlemen, of the attractions of
+my adversary. I see how your eyes turn in her direction; she has
+your smiles, I your contempt, because my hair is close-cropped, and
+my expression stern and masculine. Yet if you will give me a fair
+hearing, I fear her not; for justice is on my side. Nay, it is with
+these same meretricious attractions of hers that my accusation is
+concerned: it was by her specious appearance that she beguiled the
+virtuous Dionysius, my lover, and drew him to herself. The present
+case is in fact closely allied with that of Drink and the Academy,
+with which your colleagues have just dealt. The question now before
+you is this: are men to live the lives of swine, wallowing in
+voluptuousness, with never a high or noble thought: or are they to
+set virtue above enjoyment, and follow the dictates of freedom and
+philosophy, fearing not to grapple with pain, nor seeking the
+degrading service of pleasure, as though happiness were to be found
+in a pot of honey or a cake of figs? These are the baits my
+adversary throws out for fools, and toil the bugbear with which she
+frightens them: her artifices seldom fail; and among her victims is
+this unfortunate whom she has constrained to rebel against my
+authority. She had to wait till she found him on a sick-bed; never
+while he was himself would he have listened to her proposals. Yet
+what right have _I_ to complain? She spares not even the Gods;
+she impugns the wisdom of Providence; she is guilty of blasphemy;
+you have a double penalty to impose, if you would be wise. I hear
+that she has not even been at the pains of preparing a defence:
+Epicurus is to speak for her! She does not stand upon ceremony with
+you, gentlemen.--Ask her what Heracles would have been, what your
+own Theseus would have been, if they had listened to the voice of
+pleasure, and shrunk back from toil: their toils were the only
+check upon wickedness, which else must have overrun the whole
+Earth. And now I have done; I am no lover of long speeches. Yet if
+my adversary would consent to answer a few questions, her
+worthlessness would soon appear. Let me remind you, gentlemen, of
+your oath: give your votes in accordance with that oath, and
+believe not Epicurus, when he tells you that the Gods take no
+thought for the things of Earth.
+
+_Her_. Stand down, madam. Epicurus will now speak on behalf of
+pleasure.
+
+_Epi_. I shall not detain you long, gentlemen of the jury;
+there is no occasion for me to do so. If it were true, as the
+plaintiff asserts, that Dionysius was her lover, and that my client
+by means of drugs or incantations had constrained him to withdraw
+his affections from the plaintiff and transfer them to herself,--if
+this were true, then my client might fairly be accused of
+witchcraft, nor could her wicked practices upon her rival's
+admirers escape condemnation. On the other hand, if a free citizen
+of a free state, deciding for himself in a matter where the law is
+silent, takes a violent aversion to this lady's person, concludes
+that the blessedness with which she promises to crown his labours
+is neither more nor less than moonshine, and accordingly makes the
+best of his way out of her labyrinthine maze of argument into the
+attractive arms of Pleasure, bursts the bonds of verbal subtlety,
+exchanges credulity for common sense, and pronounces, with great
+justice, that toil is toilsome, and that pleasure is pleasant,--I
+ask, is this shipwrecked mariner to be excluded from the calm haven
+of his desire, and hurled back headlong into a sea of toil? is this
+poor suppliant at the altar of Mercy--in other words of Pleasure--
+is he to be delivered over into the power of perplexity,--and all
+on the chance that his hot climb up the steep hill of Virtue may be
+rewarded with a glimpse of that celebrated lady on the top, and his
+life of toil followed by a hereafter of happiness? We could
+scarcely ask for a better judge of the matter than Dionysius
+himself. He was as familiar with the Stoic doctrines as any man,
+and held at one time that virtue was the only Good: but he
+presently discovered that toil was an evil: he then chose what
+seemed to him the better course. He would no doubt observe that
+those philosophers who had so much to say on the subject of
+patience and endurance under toil were secretly the servants of
+Pleasure, carefully abiding by her laws in their own homes, though
+they made so free with her name in their discourses. They cannot
+bear to be detected in any relaxation, or any departure from their
+principles: but, poor men, they lead a Tantalus life of it in
+consequence, and when they _do_ get a chance of sinning without
+being found out, they drink down pleasure by the bucketful. Depend
+on it, if some one would make them a present of Gyges's ring of
+invisibility, or Hades's cap, they would cut the acquaintance of
+toil without further ceremony, and elbow their way into the
+presence of Pleasure; they would all be Dionysiuses then. As long
+as Dionysius was well, he thought that there was some good in all
+this talk about endurance; but when he fell ill, and found out what
+pain really was, he perceived that his body was of another school
+than the Porch, and held quite other tenets: he was converted,
+realized that he was flesh and blood, and from that day ceased to
+behave as if he were made of marble; he knew now that the man who
+talks nonsense about the iniquity of pleasure
+
+  But toys with words: his thoughts are bent elsewhither.
+
+And now, gentlemen, I leave you to your vote.
+
+_Porch_. Not yet! Let me ask him a few questions.
+
+_Epi_. Yes? I am ready.
+
+_Porch_. You hold toil to be an evil?
+
+_Epi_. I do.
+
+_Porch_. And pleasure a good?
+
+_Epi_. Unquestionably.
+
+_Porch_. Do you recognize the distinction between
+_differentia_ and _indifferentia_? between
+_praeposita_ and _rejecta_?
+
+_Epi_. Why, certainly.
+
+_Her_. Madam, this discussion must cease; the jury say they do
+not understand word-chopping. They will now give their votes.
+
+_Porch_. Ah; I should have won, if I could have tried him with
+my third figure of _self-evidents_.
+
+_Just_. Who wins?
+
+_Her_. Unanimous verdict for Pleasure.
+
+_Porch_. I appeal to Zeus.
+
+_Just_. By all means. Next case, Hermes.
+
+_Her_. Luxury _v._ Virtue, _re_ Aristippus;
+Aristippus must appear 23 in person.
+
+_Vir_. I ought to speak first. Aristippus is mine; his words
+and his deeds alike proclaim him mine.
+
+_Lux_. On the contrary, any one who will observe his garlands
+and his purple robes and his perfumes will agree that he is mine.
+
+_Just_. Peace! This suit must stand over, until Zeus has
+decided the appeal _re_ Dionysius. The cases are similar. If
+Porch wins her appeal, Aristippus shall be adjudged to Virtue: if
+not, Luxury must have him. Bring the next case. By the way, those
+jurors must not have their fee; they have not earned it.
+
+_Her_. So the poor old gentlemen have climbed up all this way
+for nothing!
+
+_Just_. Well, they must be content with a third. Now go away,
+all of you, and don't be cross; you shall have another chance.
+
+_Her_. Diogenes of Sinope wanted! Bank, it is for you to
+speak. 24
+
+_Diog_. Look here, Madam Justice, if she doesn't stop bothering, I
+shall have assault and battery to answer for before long, instead
+of desertion; my stick is ready.
+
+_Just_. What is the meaning of this? Bank has run away, and
+Diogenes after her, with his stick raised. Poor Bank! I am afraid
+she will be roughly handled. Call Pyrrho.
+
+_Her_. Here is Painting, but Pyrrho has never come up. 25 I
+knew how it would be.
+
+_Just_. And what was his reason?
+
+_Her_. He holds that there is no such thing as a true
+decision.
+
+_Just_. Then judgement goes against him by default. Now for
+the Syrian advocate. The indictments were only filed a day or two
+ago; there was no such hurry. However--. We will first take the
+case in which Rhetoric is plaintiff. How people crowd in to hear
+it!
+
+_Her_. Just so: the case has not had time to get stale, you
+see; it has the charm of novelty, the indictment, as you say,
+having only been filed yesterday. The prospect, too, of hearing the
+Syrian defend himself against two such plaintiffs as Rhetoric and
+Dialogue, one after the other, is a great attraction. Well,
+Rhetoric, when are you going to begin?
+
+_Rhet_. Before all things, men of Athens, I pray the Gods that
+you may listen to me throughout this trial with feelings not less
+warm than those that I have ever entertained towards my country and
+towards each one of you, my countrymen. And if, further, I pray
+them so to dispose your hearts that you will suffer me to conduct
+my case in accordance with my original intention and design,
+without interruption from my adversary, I shall be asking no more
+than justice. When I listen to the defendant's words, and then
+reflect upon the treatment I have received from him, I know not how
+I am to reconcile the two. You will presently find him holding a
+language scarcely distinguishable from my own: yet examine into his
+conduct, and you will see, from the lengths to which he has already
+gone, that I am justified in taking steps to prevent his going yet
+further. But enough of preamble: I am wasting time that might be
+better employed in accusing my adversary.
+
+Gentlemen, the defendant was no more than a boy--he still spoke
+with his native accent, and might at any moment have exhibited
+himself in the garb of an Assyrian--when I found him wandering up
+and down Ionia, at a loss for employment. I took him in hand; I
+gave him an education; and, convinced of his capabilities and of
+his devotion to me (for he was my very humble servant in those
+days, and had no admiration to spare for any one else), I turned my
+back upon the many suitors who sought my hand, upon the wealthy,
+the brilliant and the high-born, and betrothed myself to this
+monster of ingratitude; upon this obscure pauper boy I bestowed the
+rich dowry of my surpassing eloquence, brought him to be enrolled
+among my own people, and made him my fellow citizen, to the bitter
+mortification of his unsuccessful rivals. When he formed the
+resolution of travelling, in order to make his good fortune known
+to the world, I did not remain behind: I accompanied him
+everywhere, from city to city, shedding my lustre upon him, and
+clothing him in honour and renown. Of our travels in Greece and
+Ionia, I say nothing: he expressed a wish to visit Italy: I sailed
+the Ionian Sea with him, and attended him even as far as Gaul,
+scattering plenty in his path.
+
+For a long time he consulted my wishes in everything, was unfailing
+in his attendance upon me, and never passed a night away from my
+side. But no sooner had he secured an adequate provision, no sooner
+did he consider his reputation established, than his countenance
+changed towards me: he assumed a haughty air, and neglected, nay,
+utterly abandoned me; having conceived a violent affection for the
+bearded old person yonder, whom you may know from his dress to be
+Dialogue, and who passes for a son of Philosophy. With this
+Dialogue, in spite of the disparity of age, he is now living; and
+is not ashamed to clip the wings of free, high-soaring eloquence,
+and submit himself to the comedian's fetters of bald question and
+answer. He, whose thoughts should have found utterance in
+thundering oratory, is content to weave a puny network of
+conversation. Such things may draw a smile from his audience, a
+nod, an unimpassioned wave of the hand, a murmur of approbation:
+they can never hope to evoke the deafening uproar of universal
+applause. And this, gentlemen, is the fascination under which he
+looks coldly upon me; I commend his taste! They say, indeed, that
+he is not on the best of terms even with his beloved Dialogue;
+apparently I am not the only victim of his overweening pride. Does
+not such ingratitude as this render him liable to the penalties
+imposed by the marriage-laws? He leaves me, his lawful wife, to
+whom he is indebted alike for wealth and reputation, leaves me to
+neglect, and goes off in pursuit of novelty; and that, at a time
+when all eyes are turned upon me, when all men write me their
+protectress. I hold out against the entreaties of countless
+suitors: they knock, and my doors remain closed to them; they call
+loudly upon my name, but I scorn their empty clamours, and answer
+them not. All is in vain: he will not return to me, nor withdraw
+his eyes from this new love. In Heaven's name, what does he expect
+to get from him? what has Dialogue but his cloak?
+
+In conclusion, gentlemen: should he attempt to employ my art in his
+defence, suffer him not thus unscrupulously to sharpen my own sword
+against me; bid him defend himself, if he can, with the weapons of
+his adored Dialogue.
+
+_Her_. Now there, madam, you are unreasonable: how can he
+possibly make a dialogue of it all by himself? No, no; let him
+deliver a regular speech, just the same as other people.
+
+_Syrian_. In view, gentlemen, of the indignation that plaintiff has
+expressed at the idea of my employing her gift of eloquence in
+order to maintain my cause at large, I shall confine myself to a
+brief and summary refutation of her charges, and shall then leave
+the whole matter to your discernment.
+
+Gentlemen, all that the plaintiff has said is true. She educated
+me; she bore me company in my travels; she made a Greek of me.
+She has each of these claims to a husband's gratitude. I have
+now to give my reasons for abandoning her, and cultivating the
+acquaintance of Dialogue: and, believe me, no motive of self-
+interest shall induce me to misrepresent the facts. I found,
+then, that the discreet bearing, the seemly dress, which had
+distinguished her in the days of her union with the illustrious
+demesman of Paeania [Footnote: Demosthenes.], were now thrown aside:
+I saw her tricked out and bedizened, rouged and painted like a
+courtesan. My suspicions were aroused, and I began to watch the
+direction of her eyes. To make a long story short, our street was
+nightly infested with the serenades of her tipsy gallants, some of
+whom, not content with knocking at our doors, threw aside all
+restraint, and forced their way into the house. These attentions
+amused and delighted my wife: she was commonly to be seen leaning
+over the parapet and listening to the loose ditties that were
+bawled up from below; and when she thought she was unobserved, she
+would even open the door, and admit the gallant to her shameless
+embraces. Such things were not to be endured: I was loth to bring
+her into the divorce-court, and accordingly sought the hospitality
+of Dialogue, who was my near neighbour.
+
+Such, gentlemen, are the grievous wrongs that plaintiff has
+suffered at my hands. Even had the provocation I have described
+been wanting, my age (I was then nearly forty years old) called
+upon me to withdraw from the turmoil of the law-courts, and suffer
+the 'gentlemen of the jury' to rest in peace. Tyrants enough had
+been arraigned, princes enough been eulogized: it was time to
+retreat to the walks of Academy or the Lyceum, there to enjoy, in
+the delightful society of Dialogue, that tranquil discourse which
+aims not at noisy acclamations. I might say much more, but I
+forbear: you, gentlemen, will give your votes in accordance with
+the dictates of conscience. _Just_. Who wins?
+
+_Her_. The Syrian has all votes but one.
+
+_Just_. And that one a rhetorician's, I suppose. Dialogue will
+now address the same jury. Gentlemen, you will remain and hear this
+second case, and will receive a double fee.
+
+_Dia_. If I had had my choice, gentlemen, I should have
+addressed you in the conversational style to which I am accustomed,
+instead of delivering a long harangue. However, I must conform to
+the custom of the law-courts, though I have neither skill nor
+experience in such matters. So much by way of exordium: and now for
+the outrage committed on me by the defendant. In former days,
+gentlemen, I was a person of exalted character: my speculations
+turned upon the Gods, and Nature, and the _Annus Magnus_; I
+trod those aerial plains wherein Zeus on winged car is borne along
+through the heights. My flight had actually brought me to the
+heavenly vault; I was just setting foot upon the upper surface of
+that dome, when this Syrian took it upon himself to drag me down,
+break my wings, and reduce me to the common level of humanity.
+Whisking off the seemly tragic mask I then wore, he clapped on in
+its place a comic one that was little short of ludicrous: his next
+step was to huddle me into a corner with Jest, Lampoon, Cynicism,
+and the comedians Eupolis and Aristophanes, persons with a horrible
+knack of making light of sacred things, and girding at all that is
+as it should be. But the climax was reached when he unearthed a
+barking, snarling old Cynic, Menippus by name, and thrust
+_his_ company upon me; a grim bulldog, if ever there was one;
+a treacherous brute that will snap at you while his tail is yet
+wagging. Could any man be more abominably misused? Stripped of my
+proper attire, I am made to play the buffoon, and to give
+expression to every whimsical absurdity that his caprice dictates.
+And, as if that were not preposterous enough, he has forbidden me
+either to walk on my feet or to rise on the wings of poesy: I am a
+ridiculous cross between prose and verse; a monster of incongruity;
+a literary Centaur.
+
+_Her_. Now, Syrian: what do you say to that?
+
+_Syrian_. Gentlemen of the jury, I am surprised. Nothing could
+be more unexpected than the charge Dialogue has brought against me.
+When I first took him in hand, he was regarded by the world at
+large as one whose interminable discussions had soured his temper
+and exhausted his vitality. His labours entitled him to respect,
+but he had none of the attractive qualities that could secure him
+popularity. My first step was to accustom him to walk upon the
+common ground like the rest of mankind; my next, to make him
+presentable, by giving him a good bath and teaching him to smile.
+Finally, I assigned him Comedy as his yokefellow, thus gaining him
+the confidence of his hearers, who until then would as soon have
+thought of picking up a hedgehog as of venturing into the thorny
+presence of Dialogue.
+
+But I know what the grievance is: he wants me to sit and discourse
+subtle nothings with him about the immortality of the soul, and the
+exact number of pints of pure homogeneous essence that went to the
+making of the universe, and the claims of rhetoric to be called a
+shadow of a fraction of statecraft, or a fourth part of flattery.
+He takes a curious pleasure in refinements of this kind; it tickles
+his vanity most deliciously to be told that not every man can see
+so far into the ideal as he. Evidently he expects _me_ to
+conform to his taste in this respect; he is still hankering after
+those lost wings; his eyes are turned upwards; he cannot see the
+things that lie before his feet. I think there is nothing else he
+can complain of. He cannot say that I, who pass for a barbarian,
+have torn off his Greek dress, and replaced it with one like my
+own: that would have been another matter; to deprive him of his
+native garb were indeed a crime.
+
+Gentlemen, I have made my defence, as far as in me lies: I trust
+that your present verdict will confirm the former one.
+
+_Her_. Well I never! All ten are for you again. Only one
+dissentient, and he the same one as before. True to his envious
+principles, he must ever give his vote against his betters. The
+jurors may now leave the court. The remaining cases will come on
+to-morrow.
+
+
+
+
+THE PARASITE, A DEMONSTRATION THAT SPONGING IS A PROFESSION
+
+_Tychiades. Simon_
+
+
+_Tyc_. I am curious about you, Simon. Ordinary people, free
+and slaves alike, have some trade or profession that enables them
+to benefit themselves and others; you seem to be an exception.
+
+_Si_. I do not quite see what you mean, Tychiades; put it a
+little clearer.
+
+_Tyc_. I want to know whether you have a profession of any
+sort; for instance, are you a musician?
+
+_Si_. Certainly not.
+
+_Tyc_. A doctor?
+
+_Si_. No.
+
+_Tyc_. A mathematician?
+
+_Si_. No.
+
+_Tyc_. Do you teach rhetoric, then? I need not ask about
+philosophy; you have about as much to do with that as sin has.
+
+_Si_. Less, if possible. Do not imagine that you are enlightening
+me upon my failings. I acknowledge myself a sinner--worse than you
+take me for.
+
+_Tyc_. Very well. But possibly you have abstained from these
+professions because nothing great is easy. Perhaps a trade is more
+in your way; are you a carpenter or cobbler? Your circumstances are
+hardly such as to make a trade superfluous.
+
+_Si_. Quite true. Well, I have no skill in any of these.
+
+_Tye_. But in----?
+
+_Si_. An excellent one, in my opinion; if you were acquainted
+with it you would agree, I am sure. I can claim to be a practical
+master in the art by this time; whether I can give an account of my
+faith is another question.
+
+_Tyc_. What is it?
+
+_Si_. No, I do not think I have got up the theory of it
+sufficiently. For the present, rest assured that I have a
+profession, and cease your strictures on that head. Its nature you
+shall know another time.
+
+_Tyc_. No, no; I will not be put off like that.
+
+_Si_. Well, I am afraid my profession would be rather a shock
+to you.
+
+_Tyc_. I like shocks.
+
+_Si_. Well, I will tell you some day.
+
+_Tyc_. Now, I say; or else I shall know you are ashamed of it.
+
+_Si_. Well, then, I sponge.
+
+_Tyc_. Why, what sane man would call sponging a profession?
+
+_Si_. I, for one. And if you think I am not sane, put down my
+innocence of other professions to insanity, and let that be my
+sufficient excuse. My lady Insanity, they say, is unkind to her
+votaries in most respects; but at least she excuses their offences,
+which she makes herself responsible for, like a schoolmaster or
+tutor.
+
+_Tyc_. So sponging is an art, eh?
+
+_Si_. It is; and I profess it.
+
+_Tyc_. So you are a sponger?
+
+_Si_. What an awful reproach!
+
+_Tyc_. What! you do not blush to call yourself a sponger?
+
+_Si_. On the contrary, I should be ashamed of not calling
+myself so.
+
+_Tyc_. And when we want to distinguish you for the benefit of
+any one who does not know you, but has occasion to find you out, we
+must say 'the sponger,' naturally?
+
+_Si_. The name will be more welcome to me than 'statuary' to
+Phidias; I am as proud of my profession as Phidias of his Zeus.
+
+_Tyc_. Ha, ha, ha! Excuse me--just a particular that occurred
+to me.
+
+_Si_. Namely----?
+
+_Tyc_. Think of the address of your letters--Simon the
+Sponger!
+
+_Si_. Simon the Sponger, Dion the Philosopher. I shall like
+mine as well as he his.
+
+_Tyc_. Well, well, your taste in titles concerns me very
+little. Come now to the next absurdity.
+
+_Si_. Which is----?
+
+_Tyc_. The getting it entered on the list of arts. When any
+one asks what the art is, how do we describe it? Letters we know,
+Medicine we know; Sponging?
+
+_Si_. My own opinion is, that it has an exceptionally good
+right to the name of art. If you care to listen, I will explain,
+though I have not got this properly into shape, as I remarked
+before.
+
+_Tyc_. Oh, a brief exposition will do, provided it is true.
+
+_Si_. I think, if you agree, we had better examine Art generically
+first; that will enable us to go into the question whether the
+specific arts really belong under it.
+
+_Tyc_. Well, what is Art? Of course you know that?
+
+_Si_. Quite well.
+
+_Tyc_. Out with it, then, as you know.
+
+_Si_. An art, as I once heard a wise man say, is a body of
+perceptions regularly employed for some useful purpose in human
+life.
+
+_Tyc_. And he was quite right.
+
+_Si_. So, if sponging has all these marks, it must be an art?
+
+_Tyc_. _If_, yes.
+
+_Si_. Well, now we will bring to bear on sponging each of
+these essential elements of Art, and see whether its character
+rings true, or returns a cracked note like bad pottery when it is
+tapped. It has got to be, like all art, a body of perceptions.
+Well, we find at once that our artist has to distinguish critically
+the man who will entertain him satisfactorily and not give him
+reason to wish that he had sponged elsewhere. Now, in as much as
+assaying--which is no more than the power of distinguishing between
+false and true coin--is a recognized profession, you will hardly
+refuse the same status to that which distinguishes between false
+and true _men_; the genuineness of men is more obscure than
+that of coins; this indeed is the gist of the wise Euripides's
+complaint:
+
+  But among men how tell the base apart?
+  Virtue and vice stamp not the outward flesh.
+
+So much the greater the sponger's art, which beats prophecy in the
+certainty of its conclusions upon problems so difficult.
+
+Next, there is the faculty of so directing your words and actions
+as to effect intimacy and convince your patron of your devotion: is
+that consistent with weak understanding or perception?
+
+_Tyc_. Certainly not.
+
+_Si_. Then at table one has to outshine other people, and show
+the difference between amateur and professional: is that to be done
+without thought and ingenuity?
+
+_Tyc_. No, indeed.
+
+_Si_. Or perhaps you fancy that any outsider who will take the
+trouble can tell a good dinner from a bad one. Well, the mighty
+Plato says, if the guest is not versed in cookery, the dressing of
+the banquet will be but unworthily judged.
+
+The next point to be established is, that sponging depends not
+merely on perceptions, but on perceptions regularly employed.
+Nothing simpler. The perceptions on which other arts are based
+frequently remain unemployed by their owner for days, nights,
+months, or years, without his art's perishing; whereas, if those of
+the sponger were to miss their daily exercise, not merely his art
+would perish, but he with it.
+
+There remains the 'useful purpose in human life'; it would take a
+madman to question that here. I find nothing that serves a more
+useful purpose in human life than eating and drinking; without them
+you cannot live.
+
+_Tyc_. That is true.
+
+_Si_. Moreover, sponging is not to be classed with beauty and
+strength, and so called a quality instead of an art?
+
+_Tyc_. No.
+
+_Si_. And, in the sphere of art, it does not denote the
+negative condition, of unskilfulness. That never brings its owner
+prosperity. Take an instance: if a man who did not understand
+navigation took charge of a ship in a stormy sea, would he be safe?
+
+_Tyc_. Not he.
+
+_Si_. Why, now? Because he wants the art which would enable
+him to save his life?
+
+_Tyc_. Exactly.
+
+_Si_. It follows that, if sponging was the negative of art,
+the sponger would not save his life by its means?
+
+_Tyc_. Yes.
+
+_Si_. A man is saved by art, not by the absence of it?
+
+_Tyc_. Quite so.
+
+_Si_. So sponging is an art?
+
+_Tyc_. Apparently.
+
+_Si_. Let me add that I have often known even good navigators
+and skilful drivers come to grief, resulting with the latter in
+bruises and with the former in death but no one will tell you of a
+sponger who ever made shipwreck. Very well, then, sponging is
+neither the negative of art, nor is it a quality; but it is a body
+of perceptions regularly employed. So it emerges from the present
+discussion an art.
+
+_Tyc_. That seems to be the upshot. But now proceed to give us
+a good definition of your art.
+
+_Si_. Well thought of. And I fancy this will about do: Sponging is
+the art of eating and drinking, and of the talk by which these may
+be secured; its end is Pleasure.
+
+_Tyc_. A very good definition, I think. But I warn you that
+your end will bring you into conflict with some of the philosophers.
+
+_St_. Ah well, if sponging agrees with Happiness about the
+end, we may be content.
+
+And that it does I will soon show you. The wise Homer, admiring the
+sponger's life as the only blissful enviable one, has this:
+
+  I say no fairer end may be attained
+  Than when the people is attuned to mirth,
+  . . . . . and groans the festal board
+  With meat and bread, and the cup-bearer's ladle
+  From flowing bowl to cup the sweet wine dips.
+
+As if this had not made his admiration quite clear enough, he lays
+a little more emphasis, good man, on his personal opinion:
+
+  This in my heart I count the highest bliss.
+
+Moreover, the character to whom he entrusts these words is not just
+any one; it is the wisest of the Greeks. Well now, if Odysseus had
+cared to say a word for the end approved by the Stoics, he had
+plenty of chances--when he brought back Philoctetes from Lemnos,
+when he sacked Troy, when he stopped the Greeks from giving up, or
+when he made his way into Troy by scourging himself and putting on
+rags bad enough for any Stoic. But no; he never said theirs was a
+fairer end. And again, when he was living an Epicurean life with
+Calypso, when he could spend idle luxurious days, enjoying the
+daughter of Atlas and giving the rein to every soft emotion, even
+then he had not his fairer end; that was still the life of the
+sponger. Banqueter was the word used for sponger in his day; what
+does he say? I must quote the lines again; nothing like repetition:
+'The banqueters in order set'; and 'groans the festal board With
+meat and bread.'
+
+It was a remarkable piece of impudence on Epicurus's part to
+appropriate the end that belongs to sponging for his system of
+Happiness. That it _was_ a bit of larceny--Epicurus having
+nothing, and the sponger much, to do with Pleasure--I will
+soon show you. I take it that Pleasure means, first, bodily
+tranquillity, and secondly, an untroubled soul. Well, the sponger
+attains both, Epicurus neither. A man who is busy inquiring into
+the earth's shape, the infinity of worlds, the sun's size,
+astronomic distances, the elements, the existence or non-existence
+of Gods, and who is engaged in incessant controversies about the
+end--he is a prey not merely to human, but to cosmic perturbations.
+Whereas the sponger, convinced that all is for the best in the best
+of all possible worlds, living secure and calm with no such
+perplexities to trouble him, eats and sleeps and lies on his back,
+letting his hands and feet look after themselves, like Odysseus on
+his passage home from Scheria.
+
+But here is an independent refutation of Epicurus's pretensions to
+Pleasure. Our Epicurus, whoever his Wisdom may be, either is, or is
+not, supplied with victuals. If he is not, so far from having a
+pleasurable life, he will have no life at all. If he is, does he
+get them out of his own means, or from some one else? If the
+latter, he is a sponger, and not what he says he is; if the former,
+he will not have a pleasurable life.
+
+_Tyc_. How so?
+
+_Si_. Why, if his food is provided out of his own means, that
+way of life has many consequences; reckon them up. You will admit
+that, if the principle of your life is to be pleasure, all your
+appetites have to be satisfied?
+
+_Tyc_. I agree.
+
+_Si_. Well, a large income may possibly meet that requirement,
+a scanty one certainly not; consequently, a poor man cannot be a
+philosopher, or in other words attain the end, which is Pleasure.
+But neither will the rich, who lavishes his substance on his
+desires, attain it. And why? Because spending has many worries
+inseparably attached to it; your cook disappoints you, and you must
+either have strained relations with him, or else purchase peace and
+quiet by feeding badly and missing your pleasure. Then similar
+difficulties attend your steward's management of the house. You
+must admit all this.
+
+_Tyc_. Oh, certainly, I agree.
+
+_Si_. In fact, something or other is sure to happen and cut
+off Epicurus from his end. Now the sponger has no cook to be angry
+with, no farm, steward or money to be annoyed at the loss of; at
+the same time he lives on the fat of the land, and is the one
+person who can eat and drink without the worries from which others
+cannot escape.
+
+That sponging is an art, has now been abundantly proved; it remains
+to show its superiority; and this I shall take in two divisions:
+first, it has a general superiority to all the arts; and, secondly,
+it is superior to each of them separately. The general superiority
+is this: the arts have to be instilled by dint of toil, threats and
+blows--regrettable necessities, all of them; my own art, of which
+the acquisition costs no toil, is perhaps the only exception. Who
+ever came away from dinner in tears? with the schoolroom it is
+different; or who ever went out to dinner with the dismal
+expression characteristic of going to school? No, the sponger needs
+no pressing to get him to table; he is devoted to his profession;
+it is the other apprentices who hate theirs, to the point of
+running away, sometimes. And it is worth your notice that a
+parent's usual reward for a child who makes progress in the
+ordinary arts is just the thing that the sponger gets regularly.
+The lad has done his writing well, they say; let him have something
+nice: what vile writing! let him go without. Oh, the mouth is very
+useful for reward and punishment.
+
+Again, with the other arts the result comes only after the learning
+is done; their fruits alone are agreeable; 'long and steep the road
+thereto.' Sponging is once more an exception, in that profit and
+learning here go hand in hand; you grasp your end as soon as you
+begin. And whereas all other arts are practised solely for the
+sustenance they will ultimately bring, the sponger has his
+sustenance from the day he starts. You realize, of course, that the
+farmer's object in farming is something else than farming, the
+carpenter's something different from abstract carpentering; but the
+sponger has no ulterior object; occupation and pre-occupation are
+for him one and the same.
+
+Then it is no news to any one that other professions slave
+habitually, and get just one or two holidays a month; States keep
+some monthly and some yearly festivals; these are their times of
+enjoyment. But the sponger has thirty festivals a month; every day
+is a red-letter day with him.
+
+Once more, success in the other arts presupposes a diet as
+abstemious as any invalid's; eat and drink to your heart's content,
+and you make no progress in your studies.
+
+Other arts, again, are useless to their professor unless he has his
+plant; you cannot play the flute if you have not one to play;
+lyrical music requires a lyre, horsemanship a horse. But of ours
+one of the excellences and conveniences is that no instrument is
+required for its exercise.
+
+Other arts we pay, this we are paid, to learn.
+
+Further, while the rest have their teachers, no one teaches
+sponging; it is a gift from Heaven, as Socrates said of poetry.
+
+Then do not forget that, while the others have to be suspended
+during a journey or a voyage, this may be in full swing under those
+circumstances too.
+
+_Tyc_. No doubt about that.
+
+_Si_. Another point that strikes me is that other arts feel
+the need of this one, but not vice versa.
+
+_Tyc_. Well, but is the appropriation of what belongs to
+others no offence?
+
+_Si_. Of course it is.
+
+_Tyc_. Well, the sponger does that; why is he privileged to
+offend?
+
+_Si_. Ah, I know nothing about that. But now look here: you
+know how common and mean are the beginnings of the other arts; that
+of sponging, on the contrary, is noble. Friendship, that theme of
+the encomiast, is neither more nor less, you will find, than the
+beginning of sponging.
+
+_Tyc_. How do you make that out?
+
+_Si_. Well, no one asks an enemy, a stranger, or even a mere
+acquaintance, to dinner; the man must be his friend before he will
+share bit and sup with him, and admit him to initiation in these
+sacred mysteries. I know I have often heard people say, Friend,
+indeed! by what right? he has never eaten or drunk with us. You
+see; only the man who has done that is a friend to be trusted.
+
+Next take a sound proof, though not the only one, that it is the
+most royal of the arts: at the rest of them men have to work (not
+to mention toil and sweat) in the sitting or standing posture,
+which marks them for the absolute slaves of their art, whereas the
+sponger is free to recline like a king.
+
+As to his happy condition, I need no more than allude to the wise
+Homer's words; he it is, and he alone, that 'planteth not, nor
+ploughs'; he 'reapeth where he hath not ploughed nor sown.'
+
+Again, while knavery and folly are no bar to rhetoric, mathematics,
+or copper-working, no knave or fool can get on as a sponger.
+
+_Tyc_. Dear, dear, what an amazing profession! I am almost
+tempted to exchange my own for it.
+
+_Si_. I consider I have now established its superiority to art
+in general; let us next show how it excels individual arts. And it
+would be silly to compare it with the trades; I leave that to its
+detractors, and undertake to prove it superior to the greatest and
+most honourable professions. Such by universal acknowledgement are
+Rhetoric and Philosophy; indeed, some people insist that no name
+but science is grand enough for them; so if I prove sponging to be
+far above even these, _a fortiori_ it will excel the others as
+Nausicaa her maids.
+
+Now, its first superiority it enjoys over Philosophy and Rhetoric
+alike, and this is in the matter of real existence; it can claim
+that, they cannot. Instead of our having a single consistent notion
+of Rhetoric, some of us consider it an art, some the negation of
+art, some a mere artfulness, and so on. Similarly there is no unity
+in Philosophy's subject, or in its relation to it; Epicurus takes
+one view, the Stoics another, the Academy, the Peripatetics,
+others; in fact Philosophy has as many definitions as definers. So
+far at least victory wavers between them, and their profession
+cannot be called _one._ The conclusion is obvious; I utterly
+deny that what has no real existence can be an art. To illustrate:
+there is one and only one Arithmetic; twice two is four whether
+here or in Persia; Greeks and barbarians have no quarrel over that;
+but philosophies are many and various, agreed neither upon their
+beginnings nor their ends.
+
+_Tyc_. Perfectly true; they call Philosophy one, but they make
+it many.
+
+_Si_. Well, such a want of harmony might be excused in other
+arts, they being of a contingent nature, and the perceptions
+on which they are based not being immutable. But that _Philosophy_
+should lack unity, and even conflict with itself like instruments
+out of tune--how can that be tolerated? Philosophy, then, is not
+one, for I find its diversity infinite. And it cannot be many, because
+it is Philosophy, not philosophies.
+
+The real existence of Rhetoric must incur the same criticism. That
+with the same subject-matter all professors should not agree, but
+maintain conflicting opinions, amounts to a demonstration: that
+which is differently apprehended cannot exist. The inquiry whether
+a thing is this or that, in place of agreement that it is one, is
+tantamount to a negation of its existence.
+
+How different is the case of Sponging! for Greeks or barbarians,
+_one_ in nature and subject and method. No one will tell you
+that these sponge this way, and those that; there are no spongers
+with peculiar principles, to match those of Stoics and Epicureans,
+that I know of; they are all agreed; their conduct and their end
+alike harmonious. Sponging, I take it on this showing, is just
+Wisdom itself.
+
+_Tyc_. Yes, I think you have dealt with that point sufficiently;
+apart from that, how do you show the inferiority of Philosophy to
+your art?
+
+_Si_. I must first mention that no sponger was ever in love
+with Philosophy; but many philosophers are recorded to have set
+their hearts on Sponging, to which they still remain constant.
+
+_Tyc_. Philosophers caring to sponge? Names, please.
+
+_Si_. Names? You know them well enough; you only play at not
+knowing because you regard it as a slur on their characters,
+instead of as the credit it is.
+
+_Tyc_. Simon, I solemnly assure you I cannot think where you
+will find your instances.
+
+_Si_. Honour bright? Then I conclude you never patronize their
+biographers, or you could not hesitate about my reference.
+
+_Tyc_. Seriously, I long to hear their names.
+
+_Si_. Oh, I will give you a list; not bad names either; the
+_elite_, if I am correctly informed; they will rather surprise
+you. Aeschines the Socratic, now, author of dialogues as witty as
+they are long, brought them with him to Sicily in the hope that
+they would gain him the royal notice of Dionysius; having given a
+reading of the _Miltiades_, and found himself famous, he settled
+down in Sicily to sponge on Dionysius and forget Socratic
+composition.
+
+Again, I suppose you will pass Aristippus of Cyrene as a
+distinguished philosopher?
+
+_Tyc_. Assuredly.
+
+_Si_. Well, he was living there too at the same time and on
+the same terms. Dionysius reckoned him the best of all spongers; he
+had indeed a special gift that way; the prince used to send his
+cooks to him daily for instruction. He, I think, was really an
+ornament to the profession.
+
+Well then, Plato, the noblest of you all, came to Sicily with the
+same view; he did a few days' sponging, but found himself
+incompetent and had to leave. He went back to Athens, took
+considerable pains with himself, and then had another try, with
+exactly the same result, however. Plato's Sicilian disaster seems
+to me to bear comparison with that of Nicias.
+
+_Tyc_. Your authority for all this, pray?
+
+_Si_. Oh, there are plenty of authorities; but I will specify
+Aristoxenus the musician, a weighty one enough, and himself
+attached as a sponger to Neleus. Then you of course know that
+Euripides held this relation to Archelaus till the day of his
+death, and Anaxarchus to Alexander.
+
+As for Aristotle, that tiro in all arts was a tiro here too.
+
+I have shown you, then, and without exaggeration, the philosophic
+passion for sponging. On the other hand, no one can point to a
+sponger who ever cared to philosophize.
+
+But of course, if never to be hungry, thirsty, or cold, is to be
+happy, the sponger is the man who is in that position. Cold hungry
+philosophers you may see any day, but never a cold hungry sponger;
+the man would not be a sponger, that is all, but a wretched pauper,
+no better than a philosopher.
+
+_Tyc_. Well, let that pass. And now what about those many
+points in which your art is superior to Rhetoric and Philosophy?
+
+_Si_. Human life, my dear sir, has its times and seasons;
+there is peace time and there is war time. These provide unfailing
+tests for the character of arts and their professors. Shall we take
+war time first, and see who will do best for himself and for his
+city under those conditions?
+
+_Tyc_. Ah, now comes the tug of war. It tickles me, this queer
+match between sponger and philosopher.
+
+_Si_. Well, to make the thing more natural, and enable you to
+take it seriously, let us picture the circumstances. Sudden news
+has come of a hostile invasion; it has to be met; we are not going
+to sit still while our outlying territory is laid waste; the
+commander-in-chief issues orders for a general muster of all liable
+to serve; the troops gather, including philosophers, rhetoricians,
+and spongers. We had better strip them first, as the proper
+preliminary to arming. Now, my dear sir, have a look at them
+individually and see how they shape. Some of them you will find
+thin and white with underfeeding--all goose-flesh, as if they were
+lying wounded already. Now, when you think of a hard day, a stand-
+up fight with press and dust and wounds, what is it but a sorry
+jest to talk of such starvelings' being able to stand it?
+
+Now go and inspect the sponger. Full-bodied, flesh a nice colour,
+neither white like a woman's nor tanned like a slave's; you can see
+his spirit; he has a keen look, as a gentleman should, and a high,
+full-blooded one to boot; none of your shrinking feminine glances
+when you are going to war! A noble pike-man that, and a noble
+corpse, for that matter, if a noble death is his fate.
+
+But why deal in conjecture when there are facts to hand? I make the
+simple statement that in war, of all the rhetoricians and
+philosophers who ever lived, most never ventured outside the city
+walls, and the few who did, under compulsion, take their places in
+the ranks left their posts and went home.
+
+_Tyc_. A bold extravagant assertion. Well, prove it.
+
+_Si_. Rhetoricians, then. Of these, Isocrates, so far from serving
+in war, never even ventured into a law-court; he was afraid,
+because his voice was weak, I understand. Well, then Demades,
+Aeschines, and Philocrates, directly the Macedonian war broke out,
+were frightened into betraying their country and themselves to
+Philip. They simply espoused his interests in Athenian politics;
+and any other Athenian who took the same side was their friend. As
+for Hyperides, Demosthenes, and Lycurgus, supposed to be bolder
+spirits, and always raising scenes in the assembly with their abuse
+of Philip, how did they ever show their prowess in the war?
+Hyperides and Lycurgus never went out, did not so much as dare show
+their noses beyond the gates; they sat snug inside in a domestic
+state of siege, composing poor little decrees and resolutions. And
+their great chieftain, who had no gentler words for Philip in the
+assembly than 'the brute from Macedon, which cannot produce even a
+slave worth buying'--well, he did take heart of grace and go to
+Boeotia the day before; but battle had not been joined when he
+threw away his shield and made off. You must have heard this
+before; it was common talk not only at Athens, but in Thrace and
+Scythia, whence the creature was derived.
+
+_Tyc_. Yes, I know all that. But then these are orators,
+trained to speak, not to fight. But the philosophers; you cannot
+say the same of them.
+
+_Si_. Oh, yes; they discuss manliness every day, and do a
+great deal more towards wearing out the word Virtue than the
+orators; but you will find them still greater cowards and
+shirkers.--How do I know?--In the first place, can any one name a
+philosopher killed in battle? No, they either do not serve, or else
+run away. Antisthenes, Diogenes, Crates, Zeno, Plato, Aeschines,
+Aristotle, and all their company, never set eyes on a battle array.
+Their wise Socrates was the solitary one who dared to go out; and
+in the battle of Delium he ran away from Mount Parnes and got safe
+to the gymnasium of Taureas. It was a far more civilized
+proceeding, according to his ideas, to sit there talking soft
+nonsense to handsome striplings and posing the company with
+quibbles, than to cross spears with a grown Spartan.
+
+_Tyc_. Well, I have heard these stories before, and from
+people who had no satirical intent. So I acquit you of slandering
+them by way of magnifying your own profession.
+
+But come now, if you don't mind, to the sponger's military
+behaviour; and also tell me whether there is any sponging recorded
+of the ancients.
+
+_Si_. My dear fellow, the most uneducated of us has surely
+heard enough of Homer to know that he makes the best of his heroes
+spongers. The great Nestor, whose tongue distilled honeyed speech,
+sponged on the King; Achilles was, and was known for, the most
+upright of the Greeks in form and in mind; but neither for him, for
+Ajax, nor for Diomede, has Agamemnon such admiring praise as for
+Nestor. It is not for ten Ajaxes or Achilleses that he prays; no,
+Troy would have been taken long ago, if he had had in his host ten
+men like--that old sponger. Idomeneus, of Zeus's own kindred, is
+also represented in the same relation to Agamemnon.
+
+_Tyc_. I know the passages; but I do not feel sure of the
+sense in which they were spongers.
+
+_Si_. Well, recall the lines in which Agamemnon addresses
+Idomeneus.
+
+_Tyc_. How do they go?
+
+_Si_.
+
+  For thee the cup stands ever full,
+  Even as for me, whene'er it lists thee drink.
+
+When he speaks of the cup ever full, he means not that it is
+perpetually ready (when Idomeneus is fighting or sleeping, for
+instance), but that he has had the peculiar privilege all through
+his life of sharing the King's table without that special
+invitation which is necessary for his other followers. Ajax, after
+a glorious single combat with Hector, 'they brought to lordly
+Agamemnon,' we are told; he, you see, is admitted to the royal
+table (and high time too) as an honour; whereas Idomeneus and
+Nestor were the King's regular table companions; at least that is
+my idea. Nestor I take to have been an exceedingly good and skilful
+sponger on royalty; Agamemnon was not his first patron; he had
+served his apprenticeship under Caeneus and Exadius. And but for
+Agamemnon's death I imagine he would never have relinquished the
+profession.
+
+_Tyc_. Yes, that was a first-class sponger. Can you give me
+any more?
+
+_Si_. Why, Tychiades, what else was Patroclus's relation to
+Achilles? and he was as fine a fellow, all round, as any Greek of
+them all. Judging by his actions, I cannot make out that he was
+inferior to Achilles himself. When Hector had forced the gates and
+was fighting inside by the ships, it was Patroclus who repelled him
+and extinguished the flames which had got a hold on Protesilaus's
+ship; yet one would not have said the people aboard her were
+inefficient--Ajax and Teucer they were, one as good in the _melee_
+as the other with his bow. A great number of the barbarians,
+including Sarpedon the son of Zeus, fell to this sponger. His own
+death was no common one. It took only one man, Achilles, to slay
+Hector; Paris was enough for Achilles himself; but two men and a
+God went to the killing of the sponger. And his last words bore no
+resemblance to those of the mighty Hector, who prostrated himself
+before Achilles and besought him to let his relations have his
+body; no, they were such as might be expected from one of his
+profession. Here they are:--
+
+  But of thy like I would have faced a score,
+  And all the score my spear had given to death.
+
+_Tyc_. Yes, you have proved him a good man; but can you show
+him to have been not Achilles's friend, but a sponger?
+
+_Si_. I will produce you his own statement to that effect.
+
+_Tyc_. What a miracle-worker you are!
+
+_Si_. Listen to the lines, then:
+
+  Achilles, lay my bones not far from thine;
+  Thou and thine fed me; let me lie by thee.
+
+And a little further on he says:
+
+            Peleus me received,
+  And nurtured gently, and thy henchman named,
+
+that is, gave him the right of sponging; if he had meant to allude
+to Patroclus as his son's friend, he would not have used the word
+henchman; for he was a free man. What is a henchman, slaves and
+friends being excluded? Why, obviously a sponger. Accordingly Homer
+uses the same word of Meriones's relation to Idomeneus. And by the
+way it is not Idomeneus, though he was son of Zeus, that he
+describes as 'peer of Ares'; it is the sponger Meriones.
+
+Again, did not Aristogiton, poor and of mean extraction, as
+Thucydides describes him, sponge on Harmodius? He was also, of
+course, in love with him--a quite natural relation between the two
+classes. This sponger it was, then, who delivered Athens from
+tyranny, and now adorns the marketplace in bronze, side by side
+with the object of his passion. And now I have given you an example
+or two of the profession.
+
+But what sort of a guess do you make at the sponger's behaviour in
+war? In the first place, he will fight on a full belly, as Odysseus
+advises. You must feed the man who is to fight, he says, however
+early in the morning it may happen to be. The time that others
+spend in fitting on helmet or breastplate with nervous care, or in
+anticipating the horrors of battle, he will devote to putting away
+his food with a cheerful countenance, and as soon as business
+begins you will find him in front. His patron will take his place
+behind him, sheltering under his shield as Teucer under Ajax's;
+when missiles begin to fly the sponger will expose himself for his
+patron, whose safety he values more than his own.
+
+Should he fall in battle, neither officer nor comrade need feel
+ashamed of that great body, which now reclines as appropriate an
+ornament of the battle-field as it once was of the dining-room. A
+pretty sight is a philosopher's body by its side, withered,
+squalid, and bearded; he was dead before the fight began, poor
+weakling. Who would not despise the city whose guards are such
+miserable creatures? Who would not suppose, seeing these pallid,
+hairy manikins scattered on the ground, that it had none to fight
+for it, and so had turned out its gaol-birds to fill the ranks?
+That is how the spongers differ from the rhetoricians and
+philosophers in war.
+
+Then in peace time, sponging seems to me as much better than
+philosophy as peace itself than war. Be kind enough to glance first
+at the scenes of peace.
+
+_Tyc_. I do not quite know what they are; but let us glance at
+them, by all means.
+
+_Si_. Well, you will let me describe as civil scenes the
+market, the courts, the wrestling-schools and gymnasia, the hunting
+field and the dining-room?
+
+_Tyc_. Certainly.
+
+_Si_. To market and courts the sponger gives a wide berth they
+are the haunts of chicanery; there is no satisfaction to be got out
+of them. But at wrestling-school and gymnasium he is in his
+element; he is their chief glory. Show me a philosopher or orator
+who is in the same class with him when he strips in the wrestling-
+school; look at them in the gymnasium; they shame instead of
+adorning it. And in a lonely place none of them would face the
+onset of a wild beast; the sponger will, though, and find no
+difficulty in disposing of it; his table familiarity with it has
+bred contempt. A stag or a wild boar may put up its bristles; he
+will not mind; the boar may whet its tusks against him; he only
+returns the compliment. As for hares, he is more deadly to them
+than a greyhound. And then in the dining-room, where is his match,
+to jest or to eat? Who will contribute most to entertainment, he
+with his song and his joke, or a person who has not a laugh in him,
+sits in a threadbare cloak, and keeps his eyes on the ground as if
+he was at a funeral and not a dinner? If you ask me, I think a
+philosopher has about as much business in a dining-room as a bull
+in a china-shop.
+
+But enough of this. What impression does one get of the sponger's
+actual life, when one compares it with the other? First it will be
+found that he is indifferent to reputation, and does not care a jot
+what people think about him, whereas all rhetoricians and
+philosophers without exception are the slaves of vanity,
+reputation, and what is worse, of money. No one could be more
+careless of the pebbles on the shore than the sponger is of money;
+he would as soon touch fire as gold. But the rhetoricians and, as
+if that were not bad enough, the professed philosophers, are
+beneath contempt in this respect. No need to illustrate in the case
+of the rhetoricians; but of the philosophers whose repute stands
+highest at present, one was lately convicted of taking a bribe for
+his verdict in a law-suit, and another expects a salary for giving
+a prince his company, and counts it no shame to go into exile in
+his old age, and hire himself out for pay like some Indian or
+Scythian captive. The very name his conduct has earned him calls no
+blush to his cheek.
+
+But their susceptibilities are by no means limited to these; pain,
+temper, jealousy, and all sorts of desires, must be added; all of
+which the sponger is beyond the reach of; he does not yield to
+temper because on the one hand he has fortitude, and on the other
+hand he has no one to irritate him. Or if he is by any chance moved
+to wrath, there is nothing disagreeable or sullen about it; it
+entertains and amuses merely. As to pain, he has less of that to
+endure than anybody, one of his profession's recommendations and
+privileges being just that immunity. He has neither money, house,
+slave, wife, nor children--those hostages to Fortune. He desires
+neither fame, wealth, nor beauty.
+
+_Tyc_. He will feel pain if the supplies run short, I presume.
+
+_Si_. Ah, but you see, he is not a sponger if that happens. A
+courageous man is not courageous if he has no courage, a sensible
+one not sensible if he has no sense. He could not be a sponger
+under those conditions. We are discussing the sponger, not the non-
+sponger. If the courageous is so in virtue of his courage, the
+sensible sensible in virtue of his sense, then the sponger is a
+sponger in virtue of sponging. Take that away, and we shall be
+dealing with something else, and not with a sponger at all.
+
+_Tyc_. So his supplies will never run short?
+
+_Si_. Manifestly. So he is as free from that sort of pain as
+from others.
+
+Then all philosophers and rhetoricians are timorous creatures
+together. You may generally see them carrying sticks on their
+walks; well, of course they would not go armed if they were not
+afraid. And they bar their doors elaborately, for fear of night
+attacks. Now our man just latches his room door, so that the wind
+may not blow it open; if there is a noise in the night, it is all
+the same to him as if there were none; he will travel a lonely road
+and wear no sword; he does not know what fear is. But I am always
+seeing philosophers, though there is nothing to be afraid of,
+carrying bows and arrows; as for their sticks, they take them to
+bath or breakfast with them.
+
+Again, no one can accuse a sponger of adultery, violence, rape, or
+in fact of any crime whatsoever. One guilty of such offences will
+not be sponging, but ruining himself. If he is caught in adultery,
+his style thenceforth is taken from his offence. Just as a piece of
+cowardice brings a man not repute, but disrepute, so, I take it,
+the sponger who commits an offence loses his previous title and
+gets in exchange that proper to the offence. Of such offences on
+the part of rhetoricians and philosophers, on the other hand, we
+have not only abundant examples in our own time, but records
+against the ancients in their own writings. There is an Apology of
+Socrates, of Aeschines, of Hyperides, of Demosthenes, and indeed of
+most of their kind. There is no sponger's apology extant, and you
+will never hear of anybody's bringing a suit against one.
+
+Now I suppose you will tell me that the sponger's life may be
+better than theirs, but his death is worse. Not a bit of it; it is
+a far happier one. We know very well that all or most philosophers
+have had the wretched fate they deserved, some by poison after
+condemnation for heinous crimes, some by burning alive, some by
+strangury, some in exile. No one can adduce a sponger's death to
+match these; he eats and drinks, and dies a blissful death. If you
+are told that any died a violent one, be sure it was nothing worse
+than indigestion.
+
+_Tyc_. I must say, you have done well for your kind against
+the philosophers. And now look at it from the patron's point of
+view; does he get his money's worth? It strikes me the rich man
+does the kindness, confers the favour, finds the food, and it is
+all a little discreditable to the man who takes them.
+
+_Si_. Now, really, Tychiades, that is rather silly of you. Can
+you not see that a rich man, if he had the gold of Gyges, is yet
+poor as long as he dines alone, and no better than a tramp if he
+goes abroad unattended? A soldier without his arms, a dress without
+its purple, a horse without its trappings, are poor things; and a
+rich man without his sponger is a mean, cheap spectacle. The
+sponger gives lustre to the patron, never the patron to the other.
+
+Moreover, none of the reproach that you imagine attaches to
+sponging; you refer, of course, to the difference in their degrees;
+but then it is an advantage to the rich man to keep the other;
+apart from his ornamental use, he is a most valuable bodyguard. In
+battle no one will be over ready to undertake the rich man with
+such a comrade at his side; and you can hardly, having him, die by
+poison. Who would dare attempt such a thing, with him tasting your
+food and drink? So he brings you not only credit, but insurance.
+His affection is such that he will run all risks; he would never
+leave his patron to face the dangers of the table alone; no, he
+would rather eat and die with him.
+
+_Tyc_. You have stated your case without missing a point,
+Simon. Do not tell me you were unprepared again; you have been
+trained in a good school, man. But one thing more I should like to
+know. There is a nasty sound about the word sponger, don't you
+think?
+
+_Si_. See whether I have a satisfactory answer to that. Oblige
+me by giving what you consider the right answers to my questions.
+Sponging is an old word; what does it really mean?
+
+_Tyc_. Getting your dinner at some one else's expense.
+
+_Si_. Dining out, in fact?
+
+_Tyc_. Yes.
+
+_Si_. And we may call a sponger an out-diner?
+
+_Tyc_. The gravamen's in that; he should dine at home.
+
+_Si_. A few more answers, please. Of these pairs, which do you
+consider the best? Which would you take, if you had the choice?-To
+sail, or to out-sail?
+
+_Tyc_. The latter.
+
+_Si_. To run or out-run?
+
+_Tyc_. The latter.
+
+_Si_. Ride or out-ride, shoot or out-shoot?
+
+_Tyc_. Still the same.
+
+_Si_. So I presume an out-diner is better than a diner?
+
+_Tyc_. Indisputable. Henceforward I shall come to you morning
+and afternoon like a schoolboy for lessons. And I am sure you ought
+to do your very best for me, as your first pupil. The first child
+is always the mother's joy, you know. [Footnote: It has been
+necessary, in Section 60, to tamper a little with the Greek in
+order to get the point, such as it is; but it has not been
+seriously misrepresented.]
+
+
+
+
+ANACHARSIS, A DISCUSSION OF PHYSICAL TRAINING
+
+_Anacharsis. Solon_
+
+
+_An_. Why do your young men behave like this, Solon? Some of
+them grappling and tripping each other, some throttling,
+struggling, intertwining in the clay like so many pigs wallowing.
+And yet their first proceeding after they have stripped-I noticed
+that-is to oil and scrape each other quite amicably; but then I do
+not know what comes over them--they put down their heads and begin
+to push, and crash their foreheads together like a pair of rival
+rams. There, look! that one has lifted the other right off his
+legs, and dropped him on the ground; now he has fallen on top, and
+will not let him get his head up, but presses it down into the
+clay; and to finish him off he twines his legs tight round his
+belly, thrusts his elbow hard against his throat, and throttles the
+wretched victim, who meanwhile is patting his shoulder; that will
+be a form of supplication; he is asking not to be quite choked to
+death. Regardless of their fresh oil, they get all filthy, smother
+themselves in mud and sweat till they might as well not have been
+anointed, and present, to me at least, the most ludicrous
+resemblance to eels slipping through a man's hands.
+
+Then here in the open court are others doing just the same, except
+that, instead of the clay, they have for floor a depression filled
+with deep sand, with which they sprinkle one another, scraping up
+the dust on purpose, like fowls; I suppose they want their
+interfacings to be tighter; the sand is to neutralize the
+slipperiness of the oil, and by drying it up to give a firmer grip.
+
+And here are others, sanded too, but on their legs, going at each
+other with blows and kicks. We shall surely see this poor fellow
+spit out his teeth in a minute; his mouth is all full of blood and
+sand; he has had a blow on the jaw from the other's fist, you see.
+Why does not the official there separate them and put an end to it?
+I guess that he is an official from his purple; but no, he
+encourages them, and commends the one who gave that blow.
+
+Wherever you look, every one busy-rising on his toes, jumping up
+and kicking the air, or something.
+
+Now I want to know what is the good of it all. To me it looks more
+like madness than anything else. It will not be very easy to
+convince me that people who behave like this are not wrong in their
+heads.
+
+_So_. It is quite natural it should strike you that way, being
+so novel, and so utterly contrary to Scythian customs. Similarly
+you have no doubt many methods and habits that would seem
+extraordinary enough to us Greeks, v if we were spectators of them
+as you now are of ours. But be reassured, my dear sir; these
+proceedings are not madness; it is no spirit of violence that sets
+them hitting each other, wallowing in clay, and sprinkling dust.
+The thing has its use, and its delight too, resulting in admirable
+physical condition. If you make some stay, as I imagine you will,
+in Greece, you are bound to be either a clay-bob or a dust-bob
+before long; you will be so taken with the pleasure and profit of
+the pursuit.
+
+_An_. Hands off, please. No, I wish you all joy of your
+pleasures and your profits; but if any of you treats me like that,
+he will find out that we do not wear scimetars for ornament.
+
+But would you mind giving a name to all this? What are we to say
+they are doing?
+
+_So_. The place is called a gymnasium, and is dedicated to the
+Lycean Apollo. You see his statue there; the one leaning on the
+pillar, with a bow in the left hand. The right arm bent over the
+head indicates that the God is resting after some great exertion.
+
+Of the exercises here, that in the clay is called wrestling; the
+youths in the dust are also called wrestlers, and those who strike
+each other standing are engaged in what we call the pancratium. But
+we have other gymnasiums for boxing, quoit-throwing, and high-
+jumping; and in all these we hold contests, the winner in which is
+honoured above all his contemporaries, and receives prizes.
+
+_An_. Ah, and what are the prizes, now?
+
+_So_. At Olympia a wreath of wild olive, at the Isthmus one of
+pine, at Nemea of parsley, at Pytho some of the God's sacred
+apples, and at our Panathenaea oil pressed from the temple olives.
+What are you laughing at, Anacharsis? Are the prizes too small?
+
+_An_. Oh dear no; your prize-list is most imposing; the givers
+may well plume themselves on their munificence, and the competitors
+be monstrous keen on winning. Who would not go through this amount
+of preparatory toil, and take his chance of a choking or a
+dislocation, for apples or parsley? It is obviously impossible for
+any one who has a fancy to a supply of apples, or a wreath of
+parsley or pine, to get them without a mud plaster on his face, or
+a kick in the stomach from his competitor. O So. My dear sir, it is
+not the things' intrinsic value that we look at. They are the
+symbols of victory, labels of the winners; it is the fame attaching
+to them that is worth any price to their holders; that is why the
+man whose quest of honour leads through toil is content to take his
+kicks. No toil, no honour; he who covets that must start with
+enduring hardship; when he has done that, he may begin to look for
+the pleasure and profit his labours are to bring.
+
+_An_. Which pleasure and profit consists in their being seen
+in their wreaths by every one, and congratulated on their victory
+by those who before commiserated their pain; their happiness lies
+in their exchange of apples and parsley for toil.
+
+_So_. Ah, you certainly do not understand our ways yet. You
+will revise your opinions before long, when you go to the great
+festivals and see the crowds gathering to look on, the stands
+filling up, the competitors receiving their ovations, and the
+victor being idolized.
+
+_An_. Why, Solon, that is just where the humiliation comes in;
+they are treated like this not in something like privacy, but with
+all these spectators to watch the affronts they endure--who, I am
+to believe, count them happy when they see them dripping with blood
+or being throttled; for such are the happy concomitants of victory.
+In my country, if a man strikes a citizen, knocks him down, or
+tears his clothes, our elders punish him severely, even though
+there were only one or two witnesses, not like your vast Olympic or
+Isthmian gatherings. However, though I cannot help pitying the
+competitors, I am still more astonished at the spectators; you tell
+me the chief people from all over Greece attend; how can they leave
+their serious concerns and waste time on such things? How they can
+like it passes my comprehension--to look on at people being struck
+and knocked about, dashed to the ground and pounded by one another.
+
+_So_. If the Olympia, Isthmia, or Panathenaea were only on
+now, those object-lessons might have been enough to convince you
+that our keenness is not thrown away. I cannot make you apprehend
+the delights of them by description; you should be there sitting in
+the middle of the spectators, looking at the men's courage and
+physical beauty, their marvellous condition, effective skill and
+invincible strength, their enterprise, their emulation, their
+unconquerable spirit, and their unwearied pursuit of victory. Oh, I
+know very well, you would never have been tired of talking about
+your favourites, backing them with voice and hand.
+
+_An_. I dare say, and with laugh and flout too. All the fine
+things in your list, your courages and conditions, your beauties
+and enterprises, I see you wasting in no high cause; your country
+is not in danger, your land not being ravaged, your friends or
+relations not being haled away. The more ridiculous that such
+patterns of perfection as you make them out should endure the
+misery all for nothing, and spoil their beauty and their fine
+figures with sand and black eyes, just for the triumphant
+possession of an apple or a sprig of wild olive. Oh, how I love to
+think of those prizes! By the way, do all who enter get them?
+
+_So_. No, indeed. There is only one winner.
+
+_An_. And do you mean to say such a number can be found to
+toil for a remote uncertainty of success, knowing that the winner
+cannot be more than one, and the failures must be many, with their
+bruises, or their wounds very likely, for sole reward?
+
+_So_. Dear me; you have no idea yet of what is a good political
+constitution, or you would never depreciate the best of our
+customs. If you ever take the trouble to inquire how a State may
+best be organized, and its citizens best developed, you will find
+yourself commending these practices and the earnestness with which
+we cultivate them; then you will realize what good effects are
+inseparable from those toils which seem for the moment to tax our
+energies to no purpose.
+
+_An_. Well, Solon, why did I come all the way from Scythia,
+why did I make the long stormy passage of the Euxine, but to learn
+the laws of Greece, observe your customs, and work out the best
+constitution? That was why I chose you of all Athenians for my
+friend and host; I had heard of you; I had been told you were a
+legislator, you had devised the most admirable customs, introduced
+institutions of great excellence, and in fact built up what you
+call a constitution. Before all things, then, teach me; make me
+your pupil. Nothing would please me more than to sit by your side
+without bit or sup for as long as you could hold out, and listen
+open-mouthed to what you have to say of constitution and laws.
+
+_So_. The whole thing can hardly be so shortly disposed of,
+friend. You must take the different departments, one by one, and
+find out our views upon the Gods, then upon parents, upon marriage,
+and so for the rest. But I will let you know at once what we think
+about the young, and how we treat them when higher things begin to
+dawn upon their intelligence, when their frames begin to set and to
+be capable of endurance. Then you will grasp our purpose in
+imposing these exercises upon them and insisting on physical
+effort; our view is not bounded by the contests, and directed to
+their carrying off prizes there--of course only a small proportion
+of them ever reach that point; no; the indirect benefit that we
+secure for their city and themselves is of more importance. There
+is another contest in which all good citizens get prizes, and its
+wreaths are not of pine or wild olive or parsley, but of complete
+human happiness, including individual freedom and political
+independence, wealth and repute, enjoyment of our ancient ritual,
+security of our dear ones, and all the choicest boons a man might
+ask of Heaven. It is of these materials that the wreath I tell you
+of is woven; and they are provided by that contest for which this
+training and these toils are the preparation.
+
+_An_. You strange man! you had all these grand prizes up your
+sleeve, and you told me a tale of apples and parsley and tufts of
+wild olive and pine.
+
+_So_. Ah, you will not think those such trifles either, when
+you take my meaning. They are manifestations of the same spirit,
+all small parts of that greater contest, and of the wreath of
+happiness I told you of. But it is true that instead of beginning
+at the beginning I was carried away to the meetings at the Isthmus
+and Olympia and Nemea. However, we have plenty of time, and you
+profess curiosity; it is a simple matter to go back to the
+beginning, to that many-prized contest which I tell you is the real
+end of all.
+
+_An_. That will be better; we are more likely to prosper on
+the high road; perhaps I shall even be cured of my inclination to
+laugh at any one I see priding himself on his olive or parsley
+wreath. But I propose that we go into the shade over there and sit
+down on the benches, not to be interrupted by these rounds of
+cheering. And indeed I must confess I have had enough of this sun;
+how it scorches one's bare head! I did not want to look like a
+foreigner, so I left my hat at home. But the year is at its
+hottest; the dog-star, as you call it, is burning everything up,
+and not leaving a drop of moisture in the air; and the noonday sun
+right overhead gives an absolutely intolerable heat. I cannot make
+out how you at your age, so far from dripping like me, never turn a
+hair; instead of looking about for some hospitable shade, you take
+your sunning quite kindly.
+
+_So_. Ah, Anacharsis, these useless toils, these perpetual
+clay-baths, these miseries in the sand and the open air, are
+prophylactics against the sun's rays; _we_ need no hats to
+ward off his shafts. But come along.
+
+And you are not to regard me as an authority whose statements are
+to be accepted as matter of faith; wherever you think I have not
+made out my case, you are to contradict me at once and get the
+thing straight. So we shall stand to win; either you, after
+relieving your mind of all objections that strike you, will reach a
+firm conviction, or, failing that, I shall have found out my
+mistake. And in the latter case, Athens will owe you a debt that
+she cannot be too quick to acknowledge; for your instructions and
+corrections of my ideas will redound to her advantage. I shall keep
+nothing back; I shall produce it all in public, stand up in the
+assembly and say: _Men of Athens, I drew up for you such laws as
+I thought would most advantage you; but this stranger_--and at
+that word I point to you, Anacharsis--_this stranger from Scythia
+has been wise enough to show me my mistake and teach me better
+ways. Let his name be inscribed as your benefactor's; set him up in
+bronze beside your name-Gods, or by Athene on the citadel_. And
+be assured that Athens will not be ashamed to learn what is for her
+good from a barbarian and an alien.
+
+_An_. Ah, now I have a specimen of that Attic irony which I
+have so often heard of. I am an unsettled wanderer who lives on his
+cart and goes from land to land, who has never dwelt in a city, nor
+even seen one till now; how should I lay down a constitution, or
+give lessons to a people that is one with the soil it lives on
+[Footnote: See _Athenians_ in Notes.], and for all these ages
+has enjoyed the blessings of perfect order in this ancient city?
+How, above all, instruct that Solon whose native gift all men say
+it is to know how a state may best be governed, and what laws will
+bring it happiness? Nevertheless, you shall be my legislator too; I
+will contradict you, where I think you wrong, for my own better
+instruction. And here we are, safely covered from the sun's
+pursuit, and this cool stone invites us to take our ease. Start now
+and give me your reasons. Why seize upon the rising generation so
+young, and subject them to such toils? How do you develop perfect
+virtue out of clay and training? What is the exact contribution to
+it of dust and summersaults? That and that only is my first
+curiosity. All the rest you shall give me by degrees as occasion
+rises later. But, Solon, one thing you must bear in mind: you are
+talking to a barbarian. What I mean is, you must be simple, and
+brief; I am afraid I shall forget the beginning, if a very abundant
+flow follows.
+
+_So_. Why, you had better work the sluice yourself, whenever
+the word-stream is either turbid or diverging into a wrong
+channel. As for mere continuance, you can cut that up by questions.
+However, so long as what I have to say is not irrelevant, I do not
+know that length matters. There is an ancient procedure in the
+Areopagus, our murder court. When the members have ascended the
+hill, and taken their seats to decide a case of murder or
+deliberate maiming or arson, each side is allowed to address the
+court in turn, prosecution and defence being conducted either by
+the principals or by counsel. As long as they speak to the matter
+in hand, the court listens silently and patiently. But if either
+prefaces his speech with an appeal to its benevolence, or attempts
+to stir its compassion or indignation by irrelevant considerations
+--and the legal profession have numberless ways of playing upon
+juries--, the usher at once comes up and silences him. The court is
+not to be trifled with or have its food disguised with condiments,
+but to be shown the bare facts. Now, Anacharsis, I hereby create
+you a temporary Areopagite; you shall hear me according to that
+court's practice, and silence me if you find me cajoling you; but
+as long as I keep to the point, I may speak at large. For there is
+no sun here to make length a burden to you; we have plenty of shade
+and plenty of time.
+
+_An_. That sounds reasonable. And I take it very kindly that
+you should have given me this incidental view of the proceedings on
+the Areopagus; they are very remarkable, quite a pattern of the way
+a judicial decision should be arrived at. Let your speech be
+regulated accordingly, and the Areopagite of your appointment shall
+listen as his office requires.
+
+_So_. Well, I must start with a brief preliminary statement of
+our views upon city and citizens. A city in our conception is not
+the buildings--walls, temples, docks, and so forth; these are no
+more than the local habitation that provides the members of the
+community with shelter and safety; it is in the citizens that we
+find the root of the matter; they it is that replenish and organize
+and achieve and guard, corresponding in the city to the soul in
+man. Holding this view, we are not indifferent, as you see, to our
+city's body; that we adorn with all the beauty we can impart to it;
+it is provided with internal buildings, and fenced as securely as
+may be with external walls. But our first, our engrossing
+preoccupation is to make our citizens noble of spirit and strong of
+body. So they will in peace time make the most of themselves and
+their political unity, while in war they will bring their city
+through safe with its freedom and well-being unimpaired. Their
+early breeding we leave to their mothers, nurses, and tutors, who
+are to rear them in the elements of a liberal education. But as
+soon as they attain to a knowledge of good and evil, when reverence
+and shame and fear and ambition spring up in them, when their
+bodies begin to set and strengthen and be equal to toil, then we
+take them over, and appoint them both a course of mental
+instruction and discipline, and one of bodily endurance. We are not
+satisfied with mere spontaneous development either for body or
+soul; we think that the addition of systematic teaching will
+improve the gifted and reform the inferior. We conform our practice
+to that of the farmer, who shelters and fences his plants while
+they are yet small and tender, to protect them from the winds, but,
+as soon as the shoot has gathered substance, prunes it and lets the
+winds beat upon it and knock it about, and makes it thereby the
+more fruitful.
+
+We first kindle their minds with music and arithmetic, teach them
+to write and to read with expression. Then, as they get on, we
+versify, for the better impressing their memories, the sayings of
+wise men, the deeds of old time, or moral tales. And as they hear
+of worship won and works that live in song, they yearn ever more,
+and are fired to emulation, that they too may be sung and marvelled
+at by them that come after, and have their Hesiod and their Homer.
+And when they attain their civil rights, and it is time for them to
+take their share in governing--but all this, it may be, is
+irrelevant. My subject was not how we train their souls, but why we
+think fit to subject them to the toils we do. I will silence myself
+without waiting for the usher, or for you, my Areopagite, who have
+been too considerate, methinks, in letting me maunder on out of
+bounds all this way.
+
+_An_. Another point of Areopagite procedure, please, Solon.
+When a speaker passes over essential matters in silence, has the
+court no penalty for him?
+
+_So_. Why? I do not take you.
+
+_An_. Why, you propose to pass by the question of the soul,
+which is the noblest and the most attractive to me, and discuss the
+less essential matters of gymnasiums and physical exercise.
+
+_So_. You see, my dear sir, I have my eye on our original
+conditions; I do not want to divert the word-stream; it might
+confuse your memory with its irregular flow. However, I will do
+what I can in the way of a mere summary for this branch of the
+subject; as for a detailed examination of it, that must be
+deferred.
+
+Well, we regulate their sentiments partly by teaching them the laws
+of the land, which are inscribed in large letters and exposed at
+the public expense for all to read, enjoining certain acts and
+forbidding others, and partly by making them attend good men, who
+teach them to speak with propriety, act with justice, content
+themselves with political equality, eschew evil, ensue good, and
+abstain from violence; sophist and philosopher are the names by
+which these teachers are known. Moreover, we pay for their
+admission to the theatre, where the contemplation of ancient heroes
+and villains in tragedy or comedy has its educational effect of
+warning or encouragement. To the comic writers we further give the
+licence of mockery and invective against any of their fellow
+citizens whose conduct they find discreditable; such exposure may
+act both directly upon the culprits, and upon others by way of
+example.
+
+_An_. Ah, I have seen the tragedians and comedians you speak
+of, at least if the former are men in heavy stilted shoes, and
+clothes all picked out with gold bands; they have absurd head-
+pieces with vast open mouths, from inside which comes an enormous
+voice, while they take great strides which it seems to me must be
+dangerous in those shoes. I think there was a festival to Dionysus
+going on at the time. Then the comedians are shorter, go on their
+own feet, are more human, and smaller-voiced; but their head-pieces
+are still more ridiculous, so much so that the audience was
+laughing at them like one man. But to the others, the tall ones,
+every one listened with a dismal face; I suppose they were sorry
+for them, having to drag about those great clogs.
+
+_So_. Oh no, it was not for the actors that they were sorry.
+The poet was probably setting forth some sad tale of long ago, with
+fine speeches that appealed to the audience's feelings and drew
+tears from them. I dare say you observed also some flute-players,
+with other persons who stood in a circle and sang in chorus. These
+too are things that have their uses. Well, our youths' souls are
+made susceptible and developed by these and similar influences.
+
+Then their bodily training, to which your curiosity was especially
+directed, is as follows. When their first pithless tenderness is
+past, we strip them and aim at hardening them to the temperature of
+the various seasons, till heat does not incommode nor frost
+paralyse them. Then we anoint them with oil by way of softening
+them into suppleness. It would be absurd that leather, dead stuff
+as it is, should be made tougher and more lasting by being softened
+with oil, and the living body get no advantage from the same
+process. Accordingly we devise elaborate gymnastic exercises,
+appoint instructors of each variety, and teach one boxing, another
+the pancratium. They are to be habituated to endurance, to meet
+blows half way, and never shrink from a wound. This method works
+two admirable effects in them: makes them spirited and heedless of
+bodily danger, and at the same time strong and enduring. Those whom
+you saw lowering their heads and wrestling learn to fall safely and
+pick themselves up lightly, to shove and grapple and twist, to
+endure throttling, and to heave an adversary off his legs.
+_Their_ acquirements are not unserviceable either; the one
+great thing they gain is beyond dispute; their bodies are hardened
+and strengthened by this rough treatment. Add another advantage of
+some importance: it is all so much practice against the day of
+battle. Obviously a man thus trained, when he meets a real enemy,
+will grapple and throw him the quicker, or if he falls will know
+better how to get up again. All through we are reckoning with that
+real test in arms; we expect much better results from our material
+if we supple and exercise their bodies before the armour goes on,
+so increasing their strength and efficiency, making them light and
+wiry in themselves (though the enemy will rather be impressed with
+their weight).
+
+You see how it will act. Something may surely be expected from
+those in arms who even without them would be considered awkward
+customers; they show no inert pasty masses of flesh, no cadaverous
+skinniness, they are not shade-blighted women; they do not quiver
+and run with sweat at the least exertion, and pant under their
+helmets as soon as a midday sun like this adds to the burden. What
+would be the use of creatures who should be overpowered by thirst
+and dust, unnerved at sight of blood, and as good as dead before
+they came within bow-shot or spear-thrust of the enemy? But our
+fellows are ruddy and sunburnt and steady-eyed, there is spirit
+and fire and virility in their looks, they are in prime condition,
+neither shrunken and withered nor running to corpulence, but well
+and truly proportioned; the waste superfluity of their tissues they
+have sweated out; the stuff that gives strength and activity,
+purged from all inferior admixture, remains part of their
+substance. The winnowing fan has its counterpart in our gymnastics,
+which blow away chaff and husks, and sift and collect the clean
+grain.
+
+The inevitable result is sound health and great capacity of
+enduring fatigue. A man like this does not sweat for a trifle, and
+seldom shows signs of distress. Returning to my winnowing simile--
+if you were to set fire on the one hand to pure wheat grain, and on
+the other to its chaff and straw, the latter would surely blaze up
+much the quicker; the grain would burn only gradually, without a
+blaze and not all at once; it would smoulder slowly and take much
+longer to consume. Well, disease or fatigue being similarly applied
+to this sort of body will not easily find weak spots, nor get the
+mastery of it lightly. Its interior is in good order, its exterior
+strongly fortified against such assaults, so that it gives neither
+admission nor entertainment to the destroying agencies of sun or
+frost. To any place that begins to weaken under toil comes an
+accession from the abundant internal heat collected and stored up
+against the day of need; it fills the vacancy, restores the vital
+force, and lengthens endurance to the utmost. Past exertion means
+not dissipation but increase of force, which can be fanned into
+fresh life.
+
+Further, we accustom them to running, both of the long distance and
+of the sprinting kind. And they have to run not on hard ground with
+a good footing, but in deep sand on which you can neither tread
+firmly nor get a good push off, the foot sinking in. Then, to fit
+them to leap a trench or other obstacle, we make them practise with
+leaden dumb-bells in their hands. And again there are distance
+matches with the javelin. Yes, and you saw in the gymnasium a
+bronze disk like a small buckler, but without handle or straps; you
+tried it as it lay there, and found it heavy and, owing to its
+smooth surface, hard to handle. Well, that they hurl upwards and
+forwards, trying who can get furthest and outdo his competitors--an
+exercise that strengthens the shoulders and braces the fingers and
+toes.
+
+As to the clay and dust that first moved your laughter, I will tell
+you now why they are provided. In the first place, that a fall may
+be not on a hard surface, but soft and safe. Secondly, greater
+slipperiness is secured by sweat and clay combined (you compared
+them to eels, you remember); now this is neither useless nor
+absurd, but contributes appreciably to strength and activity. An
+adversary in that condition must be gripped tightly enough to
+baffle his attempts at escape. To lift up a man who is all over
+clay, sweat, and oil, and who is doing his very best to get away
+and slip through your fingers, is no light task, I assure you. And
+I repeat that all these things have their military uses too: you
+may want to take up a wounded friend and convey him out of danger;
+you may want to heave an enemy over your head and make off with
+him. So we give them still harder tasks in training, that they may
+be abundantly equal to the less.
+
+The function we assign to dust is just the reverse, to prevent one
+who is gripped from getting loose. After learning in the clay to
+retain their hold on the elusive, they are accustomed in turn to
+escape themselves even from a firm grasp. Also, we believe the dust
+forms a plaster that keeps in excessive sweat, prevents waste of
+power, and obviates the ill effects of the wind playing upon a body
+when its pores are all relaxed and open. Besides which, it cleanses
+the skin and makes it glossy. I should like to put side by side one
+of the white creatures who live sheltered lives and, after washing
+off his dust and clay, any of the Lyceum frequenters you should
+select, and then ask you which you would rather resemble. I know
+you would make your choice at the first glance, without waiting to
+see what they could do; you would rather be solid and well-knit
+than delicate and soft and white for want of the blood that had
+hidden itself away out of sight.
+
+Such are the exercises we prescribe to our young men, Anacharsis;
+we look to find them good guardians of their country and bulwarks
+of our freedom; thus we defeat our enemies if they invade us, and
+so far overawe our immediate neighbours that they mostly
+acknowledge our supremacy and pay us tribute. During peace also we
+find our account in their being free from vulgar ambitions and from
+the insolence generated by idleness; they have these things to fill
+their lives and occupy their leisure. I told you of a prize that
+all may win and of a supreme political happiness; these are
+attained when we find our youth in the highest condition alike for
+peace and war, intent upon all that is noblest.
+
+_An_. I see, Solon; when an enemy invades, you anoint yourselves
+with oil, dust yourselves over, and go forth sparring at them; then
+they of course cower before you and run away, afraid of getting a
+handful of your sand in their open mouths, or of your dancing round
+to get behind them, twining your legs tight round their bellies,
+and throttling them with your elbows rammed well in under their
+chin-pieces. It is true they will try the effect of arrows and
+javelins; but you are so sunburnt and full-blooded, the missiles
+will hurt you no more than if you were statues; you are not chaff
+and husks; you will not be readily disposed of by the blows you
+get; much time and attention will be required before you at last,
+cut to pieces with deep wounds, have a few drops of blood extracted
+from you. Have I misunderstood your figure, or is this a fair
+deduction from it?
+
+But perhaps you will take the equipment of your tragedians and
+comedians, and when you get your marching orders put on those wide-
+mouthed headpieces, to scare the foe with their appalling terrors;
+of course, and you can put the stilted things on your feet; they
+will be light for running away (if that should be advisable), or,
+if you are in pursuit, the strides they lend themselves to will
+make your enemy's escape impossible. Seriously now, are not these
+refinements of yours all child's play--something for your idle,
+slack youngsters to do? If you really want to be free and happy,
+you must have other exercises than these; your training must be a
+genuine martial one; no toy contests with friends, but real ones
+with enemies; danger must be an element in your character-
+development. Never mind dust and oil; teach them to use bow and
+javelin; and none of your light darts diverted by a puff of wind;
+let it be a ponderous spear that whistles as it flies; to which add
+stones, a handful each, the axe, the shield, the breastplate, and
+the helmet.
+
+On your present system, I cannot help thinking you should be very
+grateful to some God for not having allowed you to perish under the
+attack of any half-armed band. Why, if I were to draw this little
+dagger at my girdle and run amuck at your collective youth, I could
+take the gymnasium without more ado; they would all run away and
+not dare face the cold steel; they would skip round the statues,
+hide behind pillars, and whimper and quake till I laughed again. We
+should have no more of the ruddy frames they now display; they
+would be another colour then, all white with terror. That is the
+temper that deep peace has infused into you; you could not endure
+the sight of a single plume on an enemy's crest.
+
+_So_. Ah, Anacharsis, the Thracians who invaded us with
+Eumolpus told another tale; so did your women who assailed Athens
+with Hippolyta; so every one who has met us in the field. My dear
+sir, it does not follow from our exercising our youths without arms
+that we expose them in the same condition to the real thing; the
+independent bodily development once complete, training in arms
+follows; and to this they come much the fitter for their previous
+work.
+
+_An_. Where is your military gymnasium, then? I have been all
+over Athens, and seen no sign of it.
+
+_So_. But if you stay longer you will find that every man has
+arms enough, for use at the proper time; you will see our plumes
+and horse-trappings, our horses and horsemen; these last amounting
+to a quarter of our citizens. But to carry arms and be girded with
+scimetars we consider unnecessary in peace time; indeed there is a
+fine for going armed in town without due cause, or producing
+weapons in public. _You_ of course may be pardoned for living
+in arms. The want of walls gives conspiracy its chance; you have
+many enemies; you never know when somebody may come upon you in
+your sleep, pull you out of your cart, and dispatch you. And then,
+in the mutual distrust inseparable from an independence that
+recognizes no law or constitution, the sword must be always at hand
+to repel violence.
+
+_An_. Oho, you think the wearing of arms, except on occasion,
+unnecessary; you are careful of your weapons, avoid wear and tear
+for them, and put them away for use when the time comes; but the
+bodies of your youth you keep at work even when no danger presses;
+you knock them about and dissolve them in sweat; instead of
+husbanding their strength for the day of need, you expend it idly
+on clay and dust. How is that?
+
+_So_. I fancy you conceive of force as something similar to
+wine or water or liquid of some sort. You are afraid of its
+dribbling away in exercise as those might from an earthenware jar,
+and by its disappearance leaving the body, which is supposed to
+have no internal reserves, empty and dry. That is not the case; the
+greater the drain upon it in the course of exercise, the greater
+the supply; did you ever hear a story about the Hydra? cut off one
+of its heads, and two immediately sprang up in its place. No, it is
+the unexercised and fibreless, in whom no adequate store of
+material has ever been laid up, that will peak and pine under toil.
+There is a similar difference between a fire and a lamp; the same
+breath that kindles the former and soon excites it to greater heat
+will put out the latter, which is but ill provided to resist the
+blast; it has a precarious tenure, you see.
+
+_An_. Ah, I cannot get hold of all that, Solon; it is too
+subtle for me--wants exact thought and keen intelligence. But I
+wish you would tell me--at the Olympic, Isthmian, Pythian, and
+other Games, attended, you tell me, by crowds to see your youth
+contend, why do you have no martial events? Instead, you put them
+in a conspicuous place and exhibit them kicking and cuffing one
+another, and when they win give them apples or wild olive. Now your
+reason for that would be worth hearing.
+
+_So_. Well, we think it will increase their keenness for
+exercise to see the champions at it honoured and proclaimed by name
+among the assembled Greeks. It is the thought of having to strip
+before such a crowd that makes them take pains with their
+condition; they do not want to be a shameful spectacle, so each
+does his best to deserve success. And the prizes, as I said before,
+are not small things--to be applauded by the spectators, to be the
+mark of all eyes and fingers as the best of one's contemporaries.
+Accordingly, numbers of spectators, not too old for training,
+depart with a passion thus engendered for toilsome excellence. Ah,
+Anacharsis, if the love of fair fame were to be wiped out of our
+lives, what good would remain? Who would care to do a glorious
+deed? But as things are you may form your conclusions from what you
+see. These who are so keen for victory when they have no weapons
+and only a sprig of wild olive or an apple to contend for, how
+would they behave in martial array, with country and wives and
+children and altars at stake?
+
+I wonder what your feelings would be if you saw our quail and cock
+fights, and the excitement they raise. You would laugh, no doubt,
+especially when you were told that they are enjoined by law, and
+that all of military age must attend and watch how the birds spar
+till they are utterly exhausted. And yet it is not a thing to laugh
+at either; a spirit of contempt for danger is thus instilled into
+men's souls; shall they yield to cocks in nobility and courage?
+shall they let wounds or weariness or discomfort incapacitate them
+before there is need? But as for testing our men in arms and
+looking on while they gash one another, no, thank you! that would
+be brutality and savagery, besides the bad policy of butchering our
+bravest, who would serve us best against our enemies.
+
+You say you are going to visit the rest of Greece also. Well, if
+you go to Sparta, remember not to laugh at them either, nor think
+their labour is all in vain, when they charge and strike one
+another over a ball in the theatre; or perhaps they will go into a
+place enclosed by water, divide into two troops, and handle one
+another as severely as enemies (except that they too have no arms),
+until the Lycurgites drive the Heraclids, or vice versa, out of the
+enclosure and into the water; it is all over then; not another blow
+breaks the peace. Still worse, you may see them being scourged at
+the altar, streaming with blood, while their parents look on--the
+mothers, far from being distressed by the sight, actually making
+them hold out with threats, imploring them to endure pain to the
+last extremity and not be unmanned by suffering. There are many
+instances of their dying under the trial; while they had life and
+their people's eyes were on them, they would not give up, nor
+concede anything to bodily pain; and you will find their statues
+there, set up _honoris causa_ by the Spartan state. Seeing
+these things, never take them for madmen, nor say that, since it is
+neither a tyrant's bidding nor a conqueror's ordinance, they
+victimize themselves for no good reason. Lycurgus their lawgiver
+would have many reasonable remarks to make to you on the subject,
+and give you his grounds for thus afflicting them; he was not moved
+by enmity or hatred; he was not wasting the state's young blood for
+nothing; he only thought it proper that defenders of their country
+should have endurance in the highest degree and be entirely
+superior to fear. However, you need no Lycurgus to tell you; you
+can surely see for yourself that, if one of these men were captured
+in war, no tortures would wring a Spartan secret out of him; he
+would take his scourging with a smile, and try whether the scourger
+would not be tired sooner than the scourged.
+
+_An_. Solon, did Lycurgus take his whippings at the fighting
+age, or did he make these spirited regulations on the safe basis of
+superannuation?
+
+_So_. It was in his old age, after returning from Crete, that
+he legislated. He had been attracted to Crete by hearing that their
+laws were the best possible, devised by Minos, son of Zeus.
+
+_An_. Well, and why did you not copy Lycurgus and whip your
+young men? It is a fine institution quite worthy of yourselves.
+
+_So_. Oh, we were content with our native exercises; we are
+not much given to imitating other nations.
+
+_An_. No, no; you realize what a thing it is to be stripped
+and scourged with one's hands up, without benefit to oneself or
+one's country. If I do happen to be at Sparta when this performance
+is on, I shall expect a public stoning at their hands for laughing
+at it all, when I see them being whipped like robbers or thieves or
+such malefactors. Really, I think a state that submits to such
+ridiculous treatment at its own hands wants a dose of hellebore.
+
+_So_. Friend, do not plume yourself on winning an undefended
+case where you have it all your own way in the absence of your
+opponents. In Sparta you will find some one to plead properly for
+their customs. But now, as I have described ours to you, not
+apparently to your satisfaction, I may fairly ask you to take your
+turn and tell me how you train your youth in Scythia; what
+exercises do you bring them up in? how do you make good men of
+them?
+
+_An_. Quite a fair demand, Solon; I will give you the Scythian
+customs; there is no grandeur about them; they are not much like
+yours; for we would never take a single box on the ears, we are
+such cowards; but such as they are, you shall have them. We must
+put off our talk till to-morrow, though, if you do not mind; I want
+to think quietly over what you have said, and collect materials for
+what I am to say myself. On that understanding let us go home; for
+it is getting late.
+
+
+
+
+OF MOURNING
+
+
+The behaviour of the average man in a time of bereavement, his own
+language and the remarks offered him by way of consolation, are
+things that will reward the attention of a curious observer. The
+mourner takes it for granted that a terrible blow has fallen both
+upon himself and upon the object of his lamentations: yet for all
+he knows to the contrary (and here I appeal to Pluto and
+Persephone) the departed one, so far from being entitled to
+commiseration, may find himself in improved circumstances. The
+feelings of the bereaved party are in fact guided solely by custom
+and convention. The procedure in such cases--but no: let me first
+state the popular beliefs on the subject of death itself; we shall
+then understand the motives for the elaborate ceremonial with which
+it is attended.
+
+The vulgar (as philosophers call the generality of mankind),
+implicitly taking as their text-book the fictions of Homer and
+Hesiod and other poets, assume the existence of a deep subterranean
+hole called Hades; spacious, murky, and sunless, but by some
+mysterious means sufficiently lighted to render all its details
+visible. Its king is a brother of Zeus, one Pluto; whose name--so
+an able philologer assures me--contains a complimentary allusion to
+his ghostly wealth. As to the nature of his government, and the
+condition of his subjects, the authority allotted to him extends
+over all the dead, who, from the moment that they come under his
+control, are kept in unbreakable fetters; Shades are on no account
+permitted to return to Earth; to this rule there have been only two
+or three exceptions since the beginning of the world, and these
+were made for very urgent reasons. His realm is encompassed by vast
+rivers, whose very names inspire awe: Cocytus, Pyriphlegethon, and
+the like. Most formidable of all, and first to arrest the progress
+of the new-comer, is Acheron, that lake which none may pass save by
+the ferryman's boat; it is too deep to be waded, too broad for the
+swimmer, and even defies the flight of birds deceased. At the very
+beginning of the descent is a gate of adamant: here Aeacus, a
+nephew of the king, stands on guard. By his side is a three-headed
+dog, a grim brute; to new arrivals, however, he is friendly enough,
+reserving his bark, and the yawning horror of his jaws, for the
+would-be runaway. On the inner shore of the lake is a meadow,
+wherein grows asphodel; here, too, is the fountain that makes war
+on memory, and is hence called Lethe. All these particulars the
+ancients would doubtless obtain from the Thessalian queen Alcestis
+and her fellow-countryman Protesilaus, from Theseus the son of
+Aegeus, and from the hero of the Odyssey. These witnesses (whose
+evidence is entitled to our most respectful acceptance) did not, as
+I gather, drink of the waters of Lethe; because then they would not
+have remembered. According to them, the supreme power is entirely
+in the hands of Pluto and Persephone, who, however, are assisted in
+the labours of government by a host of underlings: such are the
+Furies, the Pains, the Fears; such too is Hermes, though he is not
+always in attendance. Judicial powers are vested in two satraps or
+viceroys, Minos and Rhadamanthus, both Cretans, and both sons of
+Zeus. By them all good and just men who have followed the precepts
+of virtue are sent off in large detachments to form colonies, as it
+were, in the Elysian Plain, and there to lead the perfect life.
+Evil-doers, on the contrary, are handed over to the Furies, who
+conduct them to the place of the wicked, where they are punished in
+due proportion to their iniquities. What a variety of torments is
+there presented! The rack, the fire, the gnawing vulture; here
+Ixion spins upon his wheel, there Sisyphus rolls his stone. I have
+not forgotten Tantalus; but he stands elsewhere, stands parched on
+the Lake's very brink, like to die of thirst, poor wretch! Then
+there is the numerous class of neutral characters; these wander
+about the meadow; formless phantoms, that evade the touch like
+smoke. It seems that they depend for their nourishment upon the
+libations and victims offered by us upon their tombs; accordingly,
+a Shade who has no surviving friends or relations passes a hungry
+time of it in the lower world.
+
+So profoundly have the common people been impressed with these
+doctrines that, when a man dies, the first act of his relations is
+to put a penny into his mouth, that he may have wherewithal to pay
+the ferryman: they do not stop to inquire what is the local
+currency, whether Attic or Macedonian or Aeginetan; nor does it
+occur to them how much better it would be for the departed one if
+the fare were not forthcoming,--because then the ferryman would
+decline to take him, and he would be sent back into the living
+world. Lest the Stygian Lake should prove inadequate to the
+requirements of ghostly toilets, the corpse is next washed,
+anointed with the choicest unguents to arrest the progress of
+decay, crowned with fresh flowers, and laid out in sumptuous
+raiment; an obvious precaution, this last; it would not do for the
+deceased to take a chill on the journey, nor to exhibit himself to
+Cerberus with nothing on. Lamentation follows. The women wail; men
+and women alike weep and beat their breasts and rend their hair and
+lacerate their cheeks; clothes are also torn on the occasion, and
+dust sprinkled on the head. The survivors are thus reduced to a
+more pitiable condition than the deceased: while they in all
+probability are rolling about and dashing their heads on the
+ground, he, bravely attired and gloriously garlanded, reposes
+gracefully upon his lofty bier, adorned as it were for some
+pageant. The mother--nay, it is the father, as likely as not,--now
+advances from among the relatives, falls upon the bier (to heighten
+the dramatic effect, we will suppose its occupant to be young and
+handsome), and utters wild and meaningless ejaculations; the corpse
+cannot speak, otherwise it might have something to say in reply.
+His son--the father exclaims, with a mournful emphasis on every
+word,--his beloved son is no more; he is gone; torn away before his
+hour was come, leaving him alone to mourn; he has never married,
+never begotten children, never been on the field of battle, never
+laid hand to the plough, never reached old age; never again will he
+make merry, never again know the joys of love, never, alas! tipple
+at the convivial board among his comrades. And so on, and so on. He
+imagines his son to be still coveting these things, and coveting
+them in vain. But this is nothing: time after time men have been
+known to slaughter horses upon the tomb, and concubines and pages;
+to burn clothes and other finery, or bury it, in the idea that the
+deceased will find a profitable use for such things in the lower
+world. Now the afflicted senior, in delivering the tragic
+utterances I have suggested above, and others of the same kind, is
+not, as I understand it, consulting the interests of his son (who
+he knows will not hear him, though he shout louder than Stentor),
+nor yet his own; he is perfectly aware of his sentiments, and has
+no occasion to bellow them into his own ear. The natural conclusion
+is, that this tomfoolery is for the benefit of the spectators; and
+all the time he has not an idea where his son is, or what may be
+his condition; he cannot even have reflected upon human life
+generally, or he would know that the loss of it is no such great
+matter. Let us imagine that the son has obtained leave from Aeacus
+and Pluto to take a peep into the daylight, and put a stop to these
+parental maunderings. 'Confound it, sir,' he might exclaim, 'what
+is the noise about? You bore me. Enough of hair-plucking and face-
+scratching. When you call me an ill-fated wretch, you abuse a
+better man than yourself, and a more fortunate. Why are you so
+sorry for me? Is it because I am not a bald, bent, wrinkled old
+cripple like yourself? Is it because I have not lived to be a
+battered wreck, nor seen a thousand moons wax and wane, only to
+make a fool of myself at the last before a crowd? Can your sapience
+point to any single convenience of life, of which we are deprived
+in the lower world? I know what you will say: clothes and good
+dinners, wine and women, without which you think I shall be
+inconsolable. Are you now to learn that freedom from hunger and
+thirst is better than meat and drink, and insensibility to cold
+better than plenty of clothes? Come, I see you need enlightenment;
+I will show you how lamentation ought to be done. Make a fresh
+start, thus: Alas, my son! Hunger and thirst and cold are his no
+longer! He is gone, gone beyond the reach of sickness; he fears not
+fever any more, nor enemies nor tyrants. Never again, my son, shall
+love disturb your peace, impair your health, make hourly inroads on
+your purse; oh, heavy change! Never can you reach contemptible old
+age, never be an eyesore to your juniors!--Confess, now, that my
+lamentation has the advantage of yours, in veracity, as in
+absurdity.
+
+'Perhaps it is the pitchy darkness of the infernal regions that
+runs in your head? is that the trouble? Are you afraid I shall be
+suffocated in the confinement of the tomb? You should reflect that
+my eyes will presently decay, or (if such is your good pleasure) be
+consumed with fire; after which I shall have no occasion to notice
+either light or darkness. However, let that pass. But all this
+lamentation, now; this fluting and beating of breasts; these wholly
+disproportionate wailings: how am I the better for it all? And what
+do I want with a garlanded column over my grave? And what good do
+you suppose you are going to do by pouring wine on it? do you
+expect it to filter through all the way to Hades? As to the
+victims, you must surely see for yourselves that all the solid
+nutriment is whisked away heavenwards in the form of smoke, leaving
+us Shades precisely as we were; the residue, being dust, is
+useless; or is it your theory that Shades batten on ashes? Pluto's
+realm is not so barren, nor asphodel so scarce with us, that we
+must apply to you for provisions.--What with this winding-sheet and
+these woollen bandages, my jaws have been effectually sealed up,
+or, by Tisiphone, I should have burst out laughing long before this
+at the stuff you talk and the things you do.'
+
+  And at the word Death sealed his lips for ever.
+
+Thus far our corpse, leaning on one side, supported on an elbow.
+Can we doubt that he is in the right of it? And yet these
+simpletons, not content with their own noise, must call in
+professional assistance: an artist in grief, with a fine repertoire
+of cut-and-dried sorrows at his command, assumes the direction
+of this inane choir, and supplies a theme for their woful
+acclamations. So far, all men are fools alike: but at this point
+national peculiarities make their appearance. The Greeks burn their
+dead, the Persians bury them; the Indian glazes the body, the
+Scythian eats it, the Egyptian embalms it. In Egypt, indeed, the
+corpse, duly dried, is actually placed at table,--I have seen it
+done; and it is quite a common thing for an Egyptian to relieve
+himself from pecuniary embarrassment by a timely visit to the
+pawnbroker, with his brother or father deceased. The childish
+futility of pyramids and mounds and columns, with their short-lived
+inscriptions, is obvious. But some people go further, and attempt
+to plead the cause of the deceased with his infernal judges, or
+testify to his merits, by means of funeral games and laudatory
+epitaphs. The final absurdity is the funeral feast, at which the
+assembled relatives strive to console the parents, and to prevail
+upon them to take food; and, Heaven knows, they are willing enough
+to be persuaded, being almost prostrated by a three days' fast.
+'How long is this to go on?' some one expostulates. 'Suffer the
+spirit of your departed saint to rest in peace. Or if mourn you
+will, then for that very reason you must eat, that your strength
+may be proportioned to your grief.' At this point, a couple of
+lines of Homer go the round of the company:
+
+  Ev'n fair-haired Niobe forgat not food,
+
+and
+
+  Not fasting mourn th' Achaeans for their dead.
+
+The parents are persuaded, though they go to work at first in a
+somewhat shamefaced manner; they do not want it to be thought that
+after their bereavement they are still subject to the infirmities
+of the flesh.
+
+Such are some of the absurdities that may be observed in mourners;
+for I have by no means exhausted the list. And all springs from the
+vulgar error, that Death is the worst thing that can befall a man.
+
+
+
+
+THE RHETORICIAN'S VADE MECUM
+
+_See note at end of piece_.
+
+
+You ask, young man, how you may become a rhetorician, and win
+yourself the imposing and reverend style of Professor. You tell me
+life is for you not worth living, if you cannot clothe yourself in
+that power of the word which shall make you invincible and
+irresistible, the cynosure of all men's admiration, the desired of
+all Grecian ears. Your one wish is to be shown the way to that
+goal. And small blame, youngster, to one who in the days of his
+youth sets his gaze upon the things that are highest, and knowing
+not how he shall attain, comes as you now come to me with the
+privileged demand for counsel. Take then the best of it that I can
+give, doubting nothing but you shall speedily be a man accomplished
+to see the right and to give it expression, if you will henceforth
+abide by what you now hear from me, practise it with assiduity, and
+go confidently on your way till it brings you to the desired end.
+
+The object of your pursuit is no poor one, worth but a moderate
+endeavour; to grasp it you might be content to toil and watch and
+endure to the utmost; mark how many they are who once were but
+cyphers, but whom words have raised to fame and opulence, ay, and
+to noble lineage.
+
+Yet fear not, nor be appalled, when you contemplate the greatness
+of your aim, by thought of the thousand toils first to be
+accomplished. It is by no rough mountainous perspiring track that I
+shall lead you; else were I no better than those other guides who
+point you to the common way, long, steep, toilsome, nay, for the
+most part desperate. What should commend my counsel to you is even
+this: a road most pleasant and most brief, a carriage road of
+downward slope, shall bring you in all delight and ease, at what
+leisurely effortless pace you will, through flowery meadows and
+plenteous shade, to that summit which you shall mount and hold
+untired and there lie feasting, the while you survey from your
+height those panting ones who took the other track; they are yet in
+the first stage of their climb, forcing their slow way amid rough
+or slippery crags, with many a headlong fall and many a wound from
+those sharp rocks. But you will long have been up, and garlanded
+and blest; you have slept, and waked to find that Rhetoric has
+lavished upon you all her gifts at once.
+
+Fine promises, these, are they not? But pray let it not stir your
+doubts, that I offer to make most easy that which is most sweet. It
+was but plucking a few leaves from Helicon, and the shepherd Hesiod
+was a poet, possessed of the Muses and singing the birth of Gods
+and Heroes; and may not a rhetorician ('tis no such proud title as
+that of poet) be quickly made, if one but knows the speediest way?
+
+Let me tell you of an idea that came to nothing for want of faith,
+and brought no profit to the man it was offered to. Alexander had
+fought Arbela, deposed Darius, and was lord of Persia; his orders
+had to be conveyed to every part of his empire by dispatch-runners.
+Now from Persia to Egypt was a long journey; to make the necessary
+circuit round the mountains, cross Babylonia into Arabia, traverse
+a great desert, and so finally reach Egypt, took at the best full
+twenty days. And as Alexander had intelligence of disturbances in
+Egypt, it was an inconvenience not to be able to send instructions
+rapidly to his lieutenants there. A Sidonian trader came to him and
+offered to shorten the distance: if a man cut straight across the
+mountains, which could be done in three days, he would be in Egypt
+without more ado. This was a fact; but Alexander took the man for
+an impostor, and would have nothing to say to him. That is the
+reception any surprisingly good offer may expect from most men.
+
+Be not like them. A trial will soon show you that you may fly over
+the mountains from Persia to Egypt, and in a day, in part of a day,
+take rank as rhetorician. But first I will be your Cebes and give
+you word-pictures of the two different ways leading to that
+Rhetoric, with which I see you so in love. Imagine her seated on a
+height, fair and comely; her right hand holds an Amalthea's horn
+heaped high with all fruits, and at her other side you are to see
+Wealth standing in all his golden glamour. In attendance too
+are Repute and Might; and all about your lady's person flutter
+and cling embodied Praises like tiny Loves. Or you may have
+seen a painted Nilus; he reclines himself upon a crocodile or
+hippopotamus, with which his stream abounds, and round him play the
+tiny children they call in Egypt his _Cubits_; so play the
+Praises about Rhetoric. Add yourself, the lover, who long to be
+straightway at the top, that you may wed her, and all that is hers
+be yours; for him that weds her she must endow with her worldly
+goods.
+
+When you have reached the mountain, you at first despair of scaling
+it; you seem to have set yourself the task that Aornus [Footnote:
+i.e., birdless.] presented to the Macedonians; how sheer it was on
+every side! it was true, they thought, even a bird could hardly
+soar that height; to take it would be work for a Dionysus or
+Heracles. Then in a little while you discern two roads; or no, one
+is no more than a track, narrow, thorny, rough, promising thirst
+and sweat. But I need say no more of it; Hesiod has described it
+long ago The other is broad, and fringed with flowers and well
+watered and--not to keep you back with vain repetitions from the
+prize even now within your grasp--such a road as I told you of but
+now.
+
+This much, however, I must add: that rough steep way shows not many
+steps of travellers; a few there are, but of ancient date. It was
+my own ill fortune to go up by it, expending needless toil; but I
+could see from far off how level and direct was that other, though
+I did not use it; in my young days I was perverse, and put trust in
+the poet who told me that the Good is won by toil. He was in error;
+I see that the many who toil not are more richly rewarded for their
+fortunate choice of route and method. But the question is now of
+you; I know that when you come to the parting of the ways you will
+doubt--you doubt even now--which turn to take. What you must do,
+then, to find the easiest ascent, and blessedness, and your bride,
+and universal fame, I will tell you. Enough that _I_ have been
+cheated into toil; for you let all grow unsown and unploughed as in
+the age of gold.
+
+A strong severe-looking man will at once come up to you; he has a
+firm step, a deeply sunburnt body, a decided eye and wide-awake
+air; it is the guide of the rough track. This absurd person makes
+foolish suggestions that you should employ him, and points you out
+the footmarks of Demosthenes, Plato, and others; they are larger
+than what we make, but mostly half obliterated by time; he tells
+you you will attain bliss and have Rhetoric to your lawful wife, if
+you stick as closely to these as a rope-walker to his rope; but
+diverge for a moment, make a false step, or incline your weight too
+much either way, and farewell to your path and your bride. He will
+exhort you to imitate these ancients, and offer you antiquated
+models that lend themselves as little to imitation as old
+sculpture, say the clean-cut, sinewy, hard, firmly outlined
+productions of Hegesias, or the school of Critius and Nesiotes; and
+he will tell you that toil and vigilance, abstinence and
+perseverance, are indispensable, if you would accomplish your
+journey. Most mortifying of all, the time he will stipulate for is
+immense, years upon years; he does not so much as mention days or
+months; whole Olympiads are his units; you feel tired at the mere
+sound of them, and ready to relinquish the happiness you had set
+your heart upon. And as if this was not enough, he wishes to be
+paid handsomely for your trouble, and must have a good sum down
+before he will even put you in the way.
+
+So he will talk--a conceited primitive old-world personage; for
+models he offers you old masters long dead and done with, and
+expects you to exhume rusty speeches as if they were buried
+treasures; you are to copy a certain cutler's son [Footnote:
+Demosthenes.] or one who called the clerk Atrometus father
+[Footnote: Aeschines.]; he forgets that we are at peace now, with
+no invading Philip or hectoring Alexander to give a temporary value
+to that sort of eloquence; and he has never heard of our new road
+to Rhetoric, short, easy, and direct. Let him not prevail with you;
+heed not him at all; in his charge, if you do not first break your
+neck, you will wear yourself into a premature old age. If you are
+really in love, and would enjoy Rhetoric before your prime is past,
+and be made much of by her, dismiss this hairy specimen of ultra-
+virility, and leave him to climb by himself or with what dupes he
+can make, panting and perspiring to his heart's content.
+
+Go you to the other road, where you will find much good company,
+but in especial one man. Is he clever? is he engaging? Mark the
+negligent ease of his gait, his neck's willowy curve, his
+languishing glance; these words are honey, that breath perfume; was
+ever head scratched with so graceful a forefinger? and those locks
+--were there but more of them left--how hyacinthine their wavy
+order! he is tender as Sardanapalus or Cinyras; 'tis Agathon's
+self, loveliest of tragedy-makers. Take these traits, that seeing
+you may know him; I would not have you miss so divine an
+apparition, the darling of Aphrodite and the Graces. Yet how
+needless! were he to come near while your eyes were closed, and
+unbar those Hymettian lips to the voice that dwells within, you
+could not want the thought that this was none of us who munch the
+fruits of earth, but some spirit from afar that on honeydew hath
+fed, and drunk the milk of Paradise. Him seek; trust yourself to
+him, and you shall be in a trice rhetorician and man of note, and
+in his own great phrase, King of Words, mounted without an effort
+of your own upon the chariot of discourse. For here is the lore he
+shall impart to his disciple.
+
+But let him describe it himself. For one so eloquent it is absurd
+that I should speak; my histrionic talent is not equal to so mighty
+a task; I might trip, and break the heroic mask in my fall. He thus
+addresses you, then, with a touch of the hand to those scanty
+curls, and the usual charming delicate smile; you might take him--
+so engaging is his utterance--for a Glycera, a Malthace, or her
+comic and meretricious majesty, Thais herself. What has a refined
+bewitching orator to do with the vulgar masculine?
+
+Listen now to his modest remarks. _Dear sir, was it Apollo sent
+you here? did he call me best of rhetoricians, as when Chaerephon
+asked and was told who was wisest of his generation? If it has not
+been so, if you have come directed only by the amazement and
+applause, the wonder and despair, that attend my achievements, then
+shall you soon learn whether there is divinity or no in him whom
+you have sought. Look not for a greatness that may find its
+parallel in this man or that; a Tityus, an Otus, an Ephialtes there
+may have been; but here is a portent and a marvel greater far than
+they. You are to hear a voice that puts to silence all others, as
+the trumpet the flute, as the cicala the bee, as the choir the
+tuning-fork.
+
+But you wish to be a rhetorician yourself; well, you could have
+applied in no better quarter; my dear young friend, you have only
+to follow my instructions and example, and keep carefully in mind
+the rules I lay down for your guidance. Indeed you may start this
+moment without a tremor; never let it disturb you that you have not
+been through the laborious preliminaries with which the ordinary
+system besets the path of fools; they are quite unnecessary. Stay
+not to find your slippers, as the song has it; your naked feet will
+do as well; writing is a not uncommon accomplishment, but I do not
+insist upon it; it is one thing, and rhetoric is another.
+
+I will first give you a list of the equipment and supplies for your
+journey that you must bring with you from home, with a view to
+making your way rapidly. After that, I will show you as we go along
+some practical illustrations, add a few verbal precepts, and before
+set of sun you shall be as superior a rhetorician as myself, the
+absolute microcosm of your profession. Bring then above all
+ignorance, to which add confidence, audacity, and effrontery; as
+for diffidence, equity, moderation, and shame, you will please
+leave them at home; they are not merely needless, they are
+encumbrances. The loudest voice you can come by, please, a ready
+falsetto, and a gait modelled on my own. That exhausts the real
+necessaries; very often there would be no occasion for anything
+further. But I recommend bright colours or white for your clothes;
+the Tarentine stuff that lets the body show through is best; for
+shoes, wear either the Attic woman's shape with the open network,
+or else the Sicyonians that show white lining. Always have a train
+of attendants, and a book in your hand.
+
+The rest you will take in with your eyes and ears as we go. I will
+tell you the rules you must observe, if Rhetoric is to recognize
+and admit you; otherwise she will turn from you and drive you away
+as an uninitiated intruder upon her mysteries. You must first be
+exceedingly careful about your appearance; your clothes must be
+quite the thing. Next, you must scrape up some fifteen old Attic
+words--say twenty for an outside estimate; and these you must
+rehearse diligently till you have them at the tip of your tongue;
+let us say _sundry, whereupon, say you so, in some wise, my
+masters;_ that is the sort of thing; these are for general
+garnish, you understand; and you need not concern yourself about
+any little dissimilarity, repulsion, discord, between them and the
+rest; so long as your upper garment is fair and bright, what matter
+if there is coarse serge beneath it?
+
+Next, fill your quiver with queer mysterious words used once or
+twice by the ancients, ready to be discharged at a moment's notice
+in conversation. This will attract the attention of the common
+herd, who will take you for a wonder, so much better educated than
+themselves. Put on your clothes? of course not;_ invest yourself.
+_Will you sit in the porch, when there is a_ parvys _to
+hand? No earnest-money for us; let it be an_ arles-penny. _And
+no breakfast-time, pray, but_ undern. _You may also do a
+little word-formation of your own on occasion, and enact that a
+person good, at exposition shall be known as a_ clarifier, _a
+sensible one as a_ cogitant, _or a pantomime as a_ manuactor.
+_If you commit a blunder or provincialism, you have only to carry
+it off boldly with an instant reference to the authority of some
+poet or historian, who need not exist or ever have existed; your
+phrase has his approval, and he was a wise man and a past master in
+language. As for your reading, leave the ancients alone; never mind
+a foolish Isocrates, a tasteless Demosthenes, a frigid Plato; study
+the works of the last generation; you will find the declamations,
+as they call them, a plenteous store on which to draw at need.
+
+When the time comes for you to perform, and the audience have
+proposed subjects and invented cases for discussion, you should get
+rid of the difficult ones by calling them trivial, and complain
+that there is nothing in this selection that can really test a
+man's powers. When they have chosen, do not hesitate a moment, but
+start; the tongue is an unruly member; do not attempt to rule it;
+never care whether your firstly is logics firstly, or your secondly
+and thirdly in the right order; just say what comes; you may greave
+your head and helmet your legs, but whatever you do, move, keep
+going, never pause. If your subject is assault or adultery in
+Athens, cite the Indians and Medes. Always have your Marathon and
+your Cynaegirus handy; they are indispensable. Hardly less so are a
+fleet crossing Mount Athos, an army treading the Hellespont, a sun
+eclipsed by Persian arrows, a flying Xerxes, an admired Leonidas,
+an inscriptive Othryades. Salamis, Artemisium, and Plataea, should
+also be in constant use. All this dressed as usual with our
+seasoning-garnish aforesaid--that persuasive flavour of
+_sundry_ and _methinks_; do not wait till these seem to
+be called for; they are pretty words, quite apart from their
+relevancy.
+
+If a fancy for impassioned_ recitative _comes over you,
+indulge it as long as you will, and air your falsetto. If your
+matter is not of the right poetic sort, you may consider yourself
+to have met the requirements if you run over the names of the jury
+in a rhythmic manner. Appeal constantly to the pathetic instinct,
+smite your thigh, mouth your words well, punctuate with loud sighs,
+and let your very back be eloquent as you pace to and fro. If the
+audience fails to applaud, take offence, and give your offence
+words; if they get up and prepare to go out in disgust, tell them
+to sit down again; discipline must be maintained.
+
+It will win you credit for copiousness, if you start with the
+Trojan War--you may if you like go right hack to the nuptials of
+Deucalion and Pyrrha--and thence trace your subject down to to-day.
+People of sense, remember, are rare, and they will probably hold
+their tongues out of charity; or if they do comment, it will be put
+down to jealousy. The rest are awed by your costume, your voice,
+gait, motions, falsetto, shoes, and_ sundry_; when they see
+how you perspire and pant, they cannot admit a moment's doubt of
+your being a very fine rhetorical performer. With them, your mere
+rapidity is a miracle quite sufficient to establish your character.
+Never prepare notes, then, nor think out a subject beforehand; that
+shows one up at once.
+
+Your friends' feet will be loud on the floor, in payment for the
+dinners you give them; if they observe you in difficulties, they
+will come to the rescue, and give you a chance, in the relief
+afforded by rounds of applause, of thinking how to go on. A devoted
+_claque_ of your own, by the way, is among your requirements.
+Its use while you are performing I have given; and as you walk home
+afterwards, discussing the points you made, you should be
+absolutely surrounded by them as a bodyguard. If you meet
+acquaintances on the way, talk very big about yourself, put a good
+value on your merits, and never mind about their feelings. Ask
+them, Where is Demosthenes now? Or wonder _which_ of the ancients
+comes nearest you.
+
+But dear me, I had very nearly passed over the most important and
+effectual of all aids to reputation: the pouring of ridicule upon
+your rivals. If a man has a fine style, its beauties are borrowed;
+if a sober one, it is bad altogether. When you go to a recitation,
+arrive late, which makes you conspicuous; and when all are
+listening intently, interject some inappropriate commendation that
+will distract and annoy the audience; they will be so sickened with
+your offensive words that they cannot listen. And then do not wave
+your hand too much--warm approval is rather low; and as to jumping
+up, never do it more than once or twice. A slight smile is your
+best expression; make it clear that you do not think much of the
+thing. Only let your ears be critical, and you are sure of finding
+plenty to condemn. In fact, all the qualities needed are easily
+come by--audacity, effrontery, ready lying, indifference to
+perjury, impartial jealousy, hatred, abuse, and skilful slander--
+that is all you want to win you speedy credit and renown. So much
+for your visible public life.
+
+And in private you need draw the line at nothing, gambling, drink,
+fornication, nor adultery; the last you should boast of, whether
+truly or not; make no secret of it, but exhibit your notes from
+real or imaginary frail ones. One of your aims should be to pass
+for a pretty fellow, in much favour with the ladies; the report
+will be professionally useful to you, your influence with the sex
+being accounted for by your rhetorical eminence.
+
+Master these instructions, young man--they are surely simple enough
+not to overtax your powers--, and I confidently promise that you
+shall soon be a first-class rhetorician like myself; after which I
+need not tell you what great and what rapid advancement Rhetoric
+will put in your way. You have but to look at me. My father was an
+obscure person barely above a slave; he had in fact been one south
+of Xois and Thmuis; my mother a common sempstress. I was myself not
+without pretensions to beauty in my youth, which earned me a bare
+living from a miserly ill-conditioned admirer; but I discovered
+this easy short-cut, made my way to the top--for I had, if I may be
+bold to say it, all the qualifications I told you of, confidence,
+ignorance, and effrontery--, and at once found myself in a position
+to change my name of Pothinus to one that levels me with the
+children of Zeus and Leda. I then established myself in an old
+dame's house, where I earned my keep by professing a passion for
+her seventy years and her half-dozen remaining teeth, dentist's
+gold and all. However, poverty reconciled me to my task; even for
+those cold coffin kisses,_ fames _was_ condimentum optimum.
+_And it was by the merest ill luck that I missed inheriting her
+wealth--that damned slave who peached about the poison I had
+bought!
+
+I was turned out neck and crop, but even so I did not starve. I
+have my professional position and am well known in the courts--
+especially for collusion and the corruption-agency which I keep for
+credulous litigants. My cases generally go against me; but the
+palms at my door [Transcriber's Note: Lengthy footnote relocated to
+chapter end.] are fresh and flower-crowned--springes to catch
+woodcocks, you know. Then, to be the object of universal
+detestation, to be distinguished only less for the badness of one's
+character than for that of one's speeches, to be pointed at by
+every finger as the famous champion of all-round villany--this
+seems to me no inconsiderable attainment. And now you have my
+advice; take it with the blessing of the great Goddess Lubricity.
+It is the same that I gave myself long ago; and very thankful I
+have been to myself for it._
+
+Ah! our admirable friend seems to have done. If you decide to take
+his advice, you may regard yourself as practically arrived at your
+goal. Keep his rules, and your path is clear; you may dominate the
+courts, triumph in the lecture-room, be smiled on by the fair; your
+bride shall be not, like your lawgiver and teacher's, an old woman
+off the comic stage, but lovely dame Rhetoric. Plato told of Zeus
+sweeping on in his winged car; you shall use the figure as fitly of
+yourself. And I? why, I lack spirit and courage; I will stand out
+of your way. I will resign--nay, I have resigned--my high place
+about our lady's person to you; for I cannot pay my court to her
+like the new school. Do your walk over, then, hear your name
+announced, take your plaudits; I ask you only to remember that you
+owe the victory not to your speed, but to your discovery of the
+easy down-hill route.
+
+[Note at end of piece: It is apparent from the later half of this
+piece that the satire is aimed at an individual. He is generally
+identified with Julius Pollux. This Pollux (1) was contemporary
+(floruit A.D. 183) with Lucian. (2) Explains by his name the
+reference to Leda's children (Castor and Pollux) in Section 24. (3)
+Published an Onomasticon, or classified vocabulary; cf. Sections
+16, 17. (4) Published a collection of declamations, or school
+rhetorical exercises on set themes; cf. Section 17. (5) Came from
+Egypt; cf. Section 24; Xois and Thmuis were in that country. (6) Is
+said to have been appointed professor of rhetoric at Athens by
+Commodus purely on account of his mellifluous voice; cf. Section
+19.
+
+It is supposed that _Lexiphanes_ (in the dialogue of that
+name, which has much in common with the present satire) is also
+Julius Pollux.]
+
+[Relocated Footnote:
+
+  Now stretch your throat, unhappy man! now raise
+  Your clamours, that, when hoarse, a bunch of bays,
+  Stuck in your garret window, may declare,
+  That some victorious pleader nestles there.
+
+_Juvenal_, vii. 118 (Gifford).]
+
+
+
+
+THE LIAR
+
+_Tychiades. Philocles_
+
+
+_Tyc_. Philocles, what _is_ it that makes most men so fond of a
+lie? Can you explain it? Their delight in romancing themselves is
+only equalled by the earnest attention with which they receive
+other people's efforts in the same direction.
+
+_Phi_. Why, in some cases there is no lack of motives for
+lying,--motives of self-interest.
+
+_Tyc_. Ah, but that is neither here nor there. I am not
+speaking of men who lie with an object. There is some excuse for
+that: indeed, it is sometimes to their credit, when they deceive
+their country's enemies, for instance, or when mendacity is but the
+medicine to heal their sickness. Odysseus, seeking to preserve his
+life and bring his companions safe home, was a liar of that kind.
+The men I mean are innocent of any ulterior motive: they prefer a
+lie to truth, simply on its own merits; they like lying, it is
+their favourite occupation; there is no necessity in the case. Now
+what good can they get out of it?
+
+_Phi_. Why, have you ever known any one with such a strong
+natural turn for lying?
+
+_Tyc_. Any number of them.
+
+_Phi_. Then I can only say they must be fools, if they really
+prefer evil to good.
+
+_Tyc_. Oh, that is not it. I could point you out plenty of men
+of first-rate ability, sensible enough in all other respects, who
+have somehow picked up this vice of romancing. It makes me quite
+angry: what satisfaction can there be to men of their good
+qualities in deceiving themselves and their neighbours? There are
+instances among the ancients with which you must be more familiar
+than I. Look at Herodotus, or Ctesias of Cnidus; or, to go further
+back, take the poets--Homer himself: here are men of world-wide
+celebrity, perpetuating their mendacity in black and white; not
+content with deceiving their hearers, they must send their lies
+down to posterity, under the protection of the most admirable
+verse. Many a time I have blushed for them, as I read of the
+mutilation of Uranus, the fetters of Prometheus, the revolt of the
+Giants, the torments of Hell; enamoured Zeus taking the shape of
+bull or swan; women turning into birds and bears; Pegasuses,
+Chimaeras, Gorgons, Cyclopes, and the rest of it; monstrous medley!
+fit only to charm the imaginations of children for whom Mormo and
+Lamia have still their terrors. However, poets, I suppose, will be
+poets. But when it comes to national lies, when one finds whole
+cities bouncing collectively like one man, how is one to keep one's
+countenance? A Cretan will look you in the face, and tell you that
+yonder is Zeus's tomb. In Athens, you are informed that
+Erichthonius sprang out of the Earth, and that the first Athenians
+grew up from the soil like so many cabbages; and this story assumes
+quite a sober aspect when compared with that of the Sparti, for
+whom the Thebans claim descent from a dragon's teeth. If you
+presume to doubt these stories, if you choose to exert your common
+sense, and leave Triptolemus's winged aerial car, and Pan's
+Marathonian exploits, and Orithyia's mishap, to the stronger
+digestions of a Coroebus and a Margites, you are a fool and a
+blasphemer, for questioning such palpable truths. Such is the power
+of lies!
+
+_Phi_. I must say I think there is some excuse, Tychiades,
+both for your national liars and for the poets. The latter are
+quite right in throwing in a little mythology: it has a very
+pleasing effect, and is just the thing to secure the attention of
+their hearers. On the other hand, the Athenians and the Thebans and
+the rest are only trying to add to the lustre of their respective
+cities. Take away the legendary treasures of Greece, and you
+condemn the whole race of ciceroni to starvation: sightseers do not
+want the truth; they would not take it at a gift. However, I
+surrender to your ridicule any one who has no such motive, and yet
+rejoices in lies.
+
+_Tyc_. Very well: now I have just been with the great Eucrates, who
+treated me to a whole string of old wives' tales. I came away in
+the middle of it; he was too much for me altogether; Furies could
+not have driven me out more effectually than his marvel-working
+tongue.
+
+_Phi_. What, Eucrates, of all credible witnesses? That venerably
+bearded sexagenarian, with his philosophic leanings? I could never
+have believed that he would lend his countenance to other people's
+lies, much less that _he_ was capable of such things himself
+
+_Tyc_. My dear sir, you should have heard the stuff he told
+me; the way in which he vouched for the truth of it all too,
+solemnly staking the lives of his children on his veracity! I
+stared at him in amazement, not knowing what to make of it: one
+moment I thought he must be out of his mind; the next I concluded
+he had been a humbug all along, an ape in a lion's skin. Oh, it was
+monstrous.
+
+_Phi_. Do tell me all about it; I am curious to see the
+quackery that shelters beneath so long a beard.
+
+_Tyc_. I often look in on Eucrates when I have time on my
+hands, but to-day I had gone there to see Leontichus; he is a
+friend of mine, you know, and I understood from his boy that he had
+gone off early to inquire after Eucrates's health, I had not heard
+that there was anything the matter with him, but this was an
+additional reason for paying him a visit. When I got there,
+Leontichus had just gone away, so Eucrates said; but he had a
+number of other visitors. There was Cleodemus the Peripatetic and
+Dinomachus the Stoic, and Ion. You know Ion? he is the man who
+fancies himself so much on his knowledge of Plato; if you take his
+word for it, he is the only man who has ever really got to the
+bottom of that philosopher's meaning, or is qualified to act as his
+interpreter. There is a company for you; Wisdom and Virtue
+personified, the _elite_ of every school, most reverend gentlemen
+all of them; it almost frightened one. Then there was Antigonus the
+doctor, who I suppose attended in his professional capacity.
+Eucrates seemed to be better already: he had come to an
+understanding with the gout, which had now settled down in his feet
+again. He motioned me to a seat on the couch beside him. His voice
+sank to the proper invalid level when he saw me coming, but on my
+way in I had overheard him bellowing away most lustily. I made him
+the usual compliments--explained that this was the first I had
+heard of his illness, and that I had come to him post-haste--and
+sat down at his side, in very gingerly fashion, lest I should touch
+his feet. There had been a good deal of talk already about gout,
+and this was still going on; each man had his pet prescription to
+offer. Cleodemus was giving his. 'In the left hand take up the
+tooth of a field-mouse, which has been killed in the manner
+described, and attach it to the skin of a freshly flayed lion; then
+bind the skin about your legs, and the pain will instantly cease.'
+'A lion's skin?' says Dinomachus; 'I understood it was an uncovered
+hind's. That sounds more likely: a hind has more pace, you see, and
+is particularly strong in the feet. A lion is a brave beast, I
+grant you; his fat, his right fore-paw, and his beard-bristles, are
+all very efficacious, if you know the proper incantation to use
+with each; but they would hardly be much use for gout.' 'Ah, yes;
+that is what I used to think for a long time: a hind was fast, so
+her skin must be the one for the purpose. But I know better now: a
+Libyan, who understands these things, tells me that lions are
+faster than stags; they must be, he says, because how else could
+they catch them? 'All agreed that the Libyan's argument was
+convincing. When I asked what good incantations could do, and how
+an internal complaint could be cured by external attachments, I
+only got laughed at for my pains; evidently they set me down as a
+simpleton, ignorant of the merest truisms, that no one in his
+senses would think of disputing. However, I thought doctor
+Antigonus seemed rather pleased at my question. I expect his
+professional advice had been slighted: he wanted to lower
+Eucrates's tone,--cut down his wine, and put him on a vegetable
+diet. 'What, Tychiades,' says Cleodemus, with a faint grin,' you
+don't believe these remedies are good for anything?' 'I should have
+to be pretty far gone,' I replied, 'before I could admit that
+external things, which have no communication with the internal
+causes of disease, are going to work by means of incantations and
+stuff, and effect a cure merely by being hung on. You might take
+the skin of the Nemean lion himself, with a dozen of field-mice
+tacked on, and you would do no good. Why, I have seen a live lion
+limping before now, hide and all complete.' 'Ah, you have a great
+deal to learn,' cried Dinomachus; 'you have never taken the trouble
+to inquire into the operation of these valuable remedies. It would
+not surprise me to hear you disputing the most palpable facts, such
+as the curing of tumours and intermittent fevers, the charming of
+reptiles, and so on; things that every old woman can effect in
+these days. And this being so, why should not the same principles
+be extended further?' 'Nail drives out nail,' I replied; 'you argue
+in a circle. How do I know that these cures are brought about by
+the means to which you attribute them? You have first to show
+inductively that it is in the course of nature for a fever or a
+tumour to take fright and bolt at the sound of holy names and
+foreign incantations; till then, your instances are no better than
+old wives' tales.' 'In other words, you do not believe in the
+existence of the Gods, since you maintain that cures cannot be
+wrought by the use of holy names?' 'Nay, say not so, my dear
+Dinomachus,' I answered; 'the Gods may exist, and these things may
+yet be lies. I respect the Gods: I see the cures performed by them,
+I see their beneficence at work in restoring the sick through the
+medium of the medical faculty and their drugs. Asclepius, and his
+sons after him, compounded soothing medicines and healed the sick,
+--without the lion's-skin-and-field-mouse process.'
+
+'Never mind Asclepius,' cried Ion. 'I will tell you of a strange
+thing that happened when I was a boy of fourteen or so. Some one
+came and told my father that Midas, his gardener, a sturdy fellow
+and a good workman, had been bitten that morning by an adder, and
+was now lying prostrate, mortification having set in the leg. He
+had been tying the vine-branches to the trellis-work, when the
+reptile crept up and bit him on the great toe, getting off to its
+hole before he could catch it; and he was now in a terrible way.
+Before our informant had finished speaking, we saw Midas being
+carried up by his fellow servants on a stretcher: his whole body
+was swollen, livid and mortifying, and life appeared to be almost
+extinct. My father was very much troubled about it; but a friend of
+his who was there assured him there was no cause for uneasiness. 'I
+know of a Babylonian,' he said, 'what they call a Chaldaean; I will
+go and fetch him at once, and he will put the man right.' To make a
+long story short, the Babylonian came, and by means of an
+incantation expelled the venom from the body, and restored Midas to
+health; besides the incantation, however, he used a splinter of
+stone chipped from the monument of a virgin; this he applied to
+Midas's foot. And as if that were not enough (Midas, I may mention,
+actually picked up the stretcher on which he had been brought, and
+took it off with him into the vineyard! and it was all done by an
+incantation and a bit of stone), the Chaldaean followed it up with
+an exhibition nothing short of miraculous. Early in the morning he
+went into the field, pronounced seven names of sacred import, taken
+from an old book, purified the ground by going thrice round it with
+sulphur and burning torches, and thereby drove every single reptile
+off the estate! They came as if drawn by a spell: venomous toads
+and snakes of every description, asp and adder, cerastes and
+acontias; only one old serpent, disabled apparently by age, ignored
+the summons. The Chaldaean declared that the number was not
+complete, appointed the youngest of the snakes as his ambassador,
+and sent him to fetch the old serpent who presently arrived. Having
+got them all together, he blew upon them; and imagine our
+astonishment when every one of them was immediately consumed!'
+
+'Ion,' said I, 'about that one who was so old: did the ambassador
+snake give him an arm, or had he a stick to lean on?' 'Ah, you will
+have your joke,' Cleodemus put in; 'I was an unbeliever myself
+once--worse than you; in fact I considered it absolutely impossible
+to give credit to such things. I held out for a long time, but all
+my scruples were overcome the first time I saw the Flying Stranger;
+a Hyperborean, he was; I have his own word for it. There was no
+more to be said after that: there was he travelling through the air
+in broad daylight, walking on the water, or strolling through fire,
+perfectly at his ease!' 'What,' I exclaimed,' you saw this
+Hyperborean actually flying and walking on water?' 'I did; he wore
+brogues, as the Hyperboreans usually do. I need not detain you with
+the everyday manifestations of his power: how he would make people
+fall in love, call up spirits, resuscitate corpses, bring down the
+Moon, and show you Hecate herself, as large as life. But I will
+just tell you of a thing I saw him do at Glaucias's. It was not
+long after Glaucias's father, Alexicles, had died. Glaucias, on
+coming into the property, had fallen in love with Chrysis,
+Demaenetus's daughter. I was teaching him philosophy at the time,
+and if it had not been for this love-affair he would have
+thoroughly mastered the Peripatetic doctrines: at eighteen years
+old that boy had been through his physics, and begun analysis.
+Well, he was in a dreadful way, and told me all about his love
+troubles. It was clearly my duty to introduce him to this
+Hyperborean wizard, which I accordingly did; his preliminary fee,
+to cover the expenses of sacrifice, was to be 15 pounds, and he was
+to have another 60 pounds if Glaucias succeeded with Chrysis. Well,
+as soon as the moon was full, that being the time usually chosen
+for these enchantments, he dug a trench in the courtyard of the
+house, and commenced operations, at about midnight, by summoning
+Glaucias's father, who had now been dead for seven months. The old
+man did not approve of his son's passion, and was very angry at
+first; however, he was prevailed on to give his consent. Hecate was
+next ordered to appear, with Cerberus in her train, and the Moon
+was brought down, and went through a variety of transformations;
+she appeared first in the form of a woman, but presently she turned
+into a most magnificent ox, and after that into a puppy. At length
+the Hyperborean moulded a clay Eros, and ordered it to _go and
+fetch Chrysis_. Off went the image, and before long there was a
+knock at the door, and there stood Chrysis. She came in and threw
+her arms about Glaucias's neck; you would have said she was dying
+for love of him; and she stayed on till at last we heard cocks
+crowing. Away flew the Moon into Heaven, Hecate disappeared under
+ground, all the apparitions vanished, and we saw Chrysis out of the
+house just about dawn.--Now, Tychiades, if you had seen that, it
+would have been enough to convince you that there was something in
+incantations.'
+
+'Exactly,' I replied. 'If I had seen it, I should have been
+convinced: as it is, you must bear with me if I have not your eyes
+for the miraculous. But as to Chrysis, I know her for a most
+inflammable lady. I do not see what occasion there was for the clay
+ambassador and the Moon, or for a wizard all the way from the land
+of the Hyperboreans; why, Chrysis would go that distance herself
+for the sum of twenty shillings; 'tis a form of incantation she
+cannot resist. She is the exact opposite of an apparition:
+apparitions, you tell me, take flight at the clash of brass or
+iron, whereas if Chrysis hears the chink of silver, she flies to
+the spot. By the way, I like your wizard: instead of making all the
+wealthiest women in love with himself, and getting thousands out of
+them, he condescends to pick up 15 pounds by rendering Glaucias
+irresistible.'
+
+'This is sheer folly,' said Ion; 'you are determined not to believe
+any one. I shall be glad, now, to hear your views on the subject of
+those who cure demoniacal possession; the effect of _their_
+exorcisms is clear enough, and they have spirits to deal with. I
+need not enlarge on the subject: look at that Syrian adept from
+Palestine: every one knows how time after time he has found a man
+thrown down on the ground in a lunatic fit, foaming at the mouth
+and rolling his eyes; and how he has got him on to his feet again
+and sent him away in his right mind; and a handsome fee he takes
+for freeing men from such horrors. He stands over them as they lie,
+and asks the spirit whence it is. The patient says not a word, but
+the spirit in him makes answer, in Greek or in some foreign tongue
+as the case may be, stating where it comes from, and how it entered
+into him. Then with adjurations, and if need be with threats, the
+Syrian constrains it to come out of the man. I myself once saw one
+coming out: it was of a dark, smoky complexion.' 'Ah, that is
+nothing for you,' I replied; 'your eyes can discern those
+_ideas_ which are set forth in the works of Plato, the founder
+of your school: now they make a very faint impression on the dull
+optics of us ordinary men.'
+
+'Do you suppose,' asked Eucrates, 'that he is the only man who has
+seen such things? Plenty of people besides Ion have met with
+spirits, by night and by day. As for me, if I have seen one
+apparition, I have seen a thousand. I used not to like them at
+first, but I am accustomed to them now, and think nothing of it;
+especially since the Arab gave me my ring of gallows-iron, and
+taught me the incantation with all those names in it. But perhaps
+you will doubt my word too?' 'Doubt the word of Eucrates, the
+learned son of Dino? Never! least of all when he unbosoms himself
+in the liberty of his own house.' 'Well, what I am going to tell
+you about the statue was witnessed night after night by all my
+household, from the eldest to the youngest, and any one of them
+could tell you the story as well as myself.' 'What statue is this?'
+'Have you never noticed as you came in that beautiful one in the
+court, by Demetrius the portrait-sculptor?' 'Is that the one with
+the quoit,--leaning forward for the throw, with his face turned
+back towards the hand that holds the quoit, and one knee bent,
+ready to rise as he lets it go?' 'Ah, that is a fine piece of work,
+too,--a Myron; but I don't mean that, nor the beautiful Polyclitus
+next it, the Youth tying on the Fillet. No, forget all you pass on
+your right as you come in; the Tyrannicides [Footnote: Harmodius
+and Aristogiton.] of Critius and Nesiotes are on that side too:--
+but did you never notice one just by the fountain?--bald, pot-
+bellied, half-naked; beard partly caught by the wind; protruding
+veins? that is the one I mean; it looks as if it must be a
+portrait, and is thought to be Pelichus, the Corinthian general.'
+'Ah, to be sure, I have seen it,' I replied; 'it is to the right of
+the Cronus; the head is crowned with fillets and withered garlands,
+and the breast gilded.' 'Yes, I had that done, when he cured me of
+the tertian ague; I had been at Death's door with it.' 'Bravo,
+Pelichus!' I exclaimed; 'so he was a doctor too?' 'Not was, but is.
+Beware of trifling with him, or he may pay you a visit before long.
+Well do I know what virtue is in that statue with which you make so
+merry. Can you doubt that he who cures the ague may also inflict it
+at will?' 'I implore his favour,' I cried; 'may he be as merciful
+as he is mighty! And what are his other doings, to which all your
+household are witnesses?' 'At nightfall,' said Eucrates, 'he
+descends from his pedestal, and walks all round the house; one or
+other of us is continually meeting with him; sometimes he is
+singing. He has never done any harm to any one: all we have to do
+when we see him is to step aside, and he passes on his way without
+molesting us. He is fond of taking a bath; you may hear him
+splashing about in the water all night long.' 'Perhaps,' I
+suggested, 'it is not Pelichus at all, but Talos the Cretan, the
+son of Minos? He was of bronze, and used to walk all round the
+island. Or if only he were made of wood instead of bronze, he might
+quite well be one of Daedalus's ingenious mechanisms--you say he
+plays truant from his pedestal just like them--and not the work of
+Demetrius at all.' 'Take care, Tychiades; you will be sorry for
+this some day. I have not forgotten what happened to the thief who
+stole his monthly pennies.' 'The sacrilegious villain!' cried Ion;
+'I hope he got a lesson. How was he punished? Do tell me: never
+mind Tychiades; he can be as incredulous as he likes.' 'At the feet
+of the statue a number of pence were laid, and other coins were
+attached to his thigh by means of wax; some of these were silver,
+and there were also silver plates, all being the thank-offerings of
+those whom he had cured of fever. Now we had a scamp of a Libyan
+groom, who took it into his head to filch all this coin under cover
+of night. He waited till the statue had descended from his
+pedestal, and then put his plan into effect. Pelichus detected the
+robbery as soon as he got back; and this is how he found the
+offender out and punished him. He caused the wretch to wander about
+in the court all night long, unable to find his way out, just as if
+he had been in a maze; till at daybreak he was caught with the
+stolen property in his possession. His guilt was clear, and he
+received a sound flogging there and then; and before long he died a
+villain's death. It seems from his own confession that he was
+scourged every night; and each succeeding morning the weals were to
+be seen on his body.--_Now_, Tychiades, let me hear you laugh
+at Pelichus: I am a dotard, am I not? a relic from the time of
+Minos?'
+
+'My dear Eucrates,' said I, 'if bronze is bronze, and if that
+statue was cast by Demetrius of Alopece, who dealt not in Gods but
+in men, then I cannot anticipate any danger from a statue of
+Pelichus; even the menaces of the original would not have alarmed
+me particularly.'
+
+Here Antigonus, the doctor, put in a word. 'I myself,' he informed
+his host, 'have a Hippocrates in bronze, some eighteen inches high.
+Now the moment my candle is out, he goes clattering about all over
+the house, slamming the door, turning all my boxes upside down, and
+mixing up all my drugs; especially when his annual sacrifice is
+overdue.' 'What are we coming to?' I cried; 'Hippocrates must have
+sacrifices, must he? he must be feasted with all pomp and
+circumstance, and punctually to the day, or his leechship is angry?
+Why, he ought to be only too pleased to be complimented with a cup
+of mead or a garland, like other dead men.'
+
+'Now here,' Eucrates went on, 'is a thing that I saw happen five
+years ago, in the presence of witnesses. It was during the vintage.
+I had left the labourers busy in the vineyard at midday, and was
+walking off into the wood, occupied with my own thoughts. I had
+already got under the shade of the trees, when I heard dogs
+barking, and supposed that my boy Mnason was amusing himself in the
+chase as usual, and had penetrated into the copse with his friends.
+However, that was not it: presently there was an earthquake; I
+heard a voice like a thunderclap, and saw a terrible woman
+approaching, not much less than three hundred feet high. She
+carried a torch in her left hand, and a sword in her right; the
+sword might be thirty feet long. Her lower extremities were those
+of a dragon; but the upper half was like Medusa--as to the eyes, I
+mean; they were quite awful in their expression. Instead of hair,
+she had clusters of snakes writhing about her neck, and curling
+over her shoulders. See here: it makes my flesh creep, only to
+speak of it!' And he showed us all his arm, with the hair standing
+on end.
+
+Ion and Dinomachus and Cleodemus and the rest of them drank down
+every word. The narrator led them by their venerable noses, and
+this least convincing of colossal bogies, this hundred-yarder, was
+the object of their mute adorations. And these (I was reflecting
+all the time)--these are the admired teachers from whom our youth
+are to learn wisdom! Two circumstances distinguish them from
+babies: they have white hair, and they have beards: but when it
+comes to swallowing a lie, they are babes and more than babes.
+
+Dinomachus, for instance, wanted to know 'how big were the
+Goddess's dogs?' 'They were taller than Indian elephants,' he was
+assured, 'and as black, with coarse, matted coats. At the sight of
+her, I stood stock still, and turned the seal of my Arab's ring
+inwards; whereupon Hecate smote upon the ground with her dragon's
+foot, and caused a vast chasm to open, wide as the mouth of Hell.
+Into this she presently leaped, and was lost to sight. I began to
+pluck up courage, and looked over the edge; but first I took hold
+of a tree that grew near, for fear I should be giddy, and fall in.
+And then I saw the whole of Hades: there was Pyriphlegethon, the
+Lake of Acheron, Cerberus, the Shades. I even recognized some of
+them: I made out my father quite distinctly; he was still wearing
+the same clothes in which we buried him.' 'And what were the
+spirits doing?' asked Ion. 'Doing? Oh, they were just lying about
+on the asphodel, among their friends and kinsmen, all arranged
+according to their clans and tribes.' 'There now!' exclaimed Ion;
+'after that I should like to hear the Epicureans say another word
+against the divine Plato and his account of the spiritual world. I
+suppose you did not happen to see Socrates or Plato among the
+Shades?' 'Yes, I did; I saw Socrates; not very plainly, though; I
+only went by the bald head and corpulent figure. Plato I did
+_not_ make out; I will speak the plain truth; we are all friends
+here. I had just had a good look at everything, when the chasm
+began to close up; some of the servants who came to look for me
+(Pyrrhias here was among them) arrived while the gap was still
+visible.--Pyrrhias, is that the fact?' 'Indeed it is,' says
+Pyrrhias; 'what is more, I heard a dog barking in the hole, and if
+I am not mistaken I caught a glimmer of torchlight.' I could not
+help a smile; it was handsome in Pyrrhias, this of the bark and the
+torchlight.
+
+'Your experience,' observed Cleodemus, 'is by no means without
+precedent. In fact I saw something of the same kind myself, not
+long ago. I had been ill, and Antigonus here was attending me. The
+fever had been on me for seven days, and was now aggravated by the
+excessive heat. All my attendants were outside, having closed the
+door and left me to myself; those were your orders, you know,
+Antigonus; I was to get some sleep if I could. Well, I woke up to
+find a handsome young man standing at my side, in a white cloak. He
+raised me up from the bed, and conducted me through a sort of chasm
+into Hades; I knew where I was at once, because I saw Tantalus and
+Tityus and Sisyphus. Not to go into details, I came to the
+Judgement-hall, and there were Aeacus and Charon and the Fates and
+the Furies. One person of a majestic appearance--Pluto, I suppose
+it was--sat reading out the names of those who were due to die,
+their term of life having lapsed. The young man took me and set me
+before him, but Pluto flew into a rage: "Away with him," he said to
+my conductor; "his thread is not yet out; go and fetch Demylus the
+smith; _he_ has had his spindleful and more." I ran off home,
+nothing loath. My fever had now disappeared, and I told everybody
+that Demylus was as good as dead. He lived close by, and was said
+to have some illness, and it was not long before we heard the
+voices of mourners in his house.'
+
+'This need not surprise us,' remarked Antigonus; 'I know of a man
+who rose from the dead twenty days after he had been buried; I
+attended him both before his death and after his resurrection.' 'I
+should have thought,' said I, 'that the body must have putrefied in
+all that time, or if not that, that he must have collapsed for want
+of nourishment. Was your patient a second Epimenides?'
+
+At this point in the conversation, Eucrates's sons came in from the
+gymnasium, one of them quite a young man, the other a boy of
+fifteen or so. After saluting the company, they took their seats on
+the couch at their father's side, and a chair was brought for me.
+The appearance of the boys seemed to remind Eucrates of something:
+laying a hand upon each of them, he addressed me as follows.
+'Tychiades, if what I am now about to tell you is anything but the
+truth, then may I never have joy of these lads. It is well known to
+every one how fond I was of my sainted wife, their mother; and I
+showed it in my treatment of her, not only in her lifetime, but
+even after her death; for I ordered all the jewels and clothes that
+she had valued to be burnt upon her pyre. Now on the seventh day
+after her death, I was sitting here on this very couch, as it might
+be now, trying to find comfort for my affliction in Plato's book
+about the soul. I was quietly reading this, when Demaenete herself
+appeared, and sat down at my side exactly as Eucratides is doing
+now.' Here he pointed to the younger boy, who had turned quite pale
+during this narrative, and now shuddered in childish terror. 'The
+moment I saw her,' he continued, 'I threw my arms about her neck
+and wept aloud. She bade me cease; and complained that though I had
+consulted her wishes in everything else, I had neglected to burn
+one of her golden sandals, which she said had fallen under a chest.
+We had been unable to find this sandal, and had only burnt the
+fellow to it. While we were still conversing, a hateful little
+Maltese terrier that lay under the couch started barking, and my
+wife immediately vanished. The sandal, however, was found beneath
+the chest, and was eventually burnt.--Do you still doubt,
+Tychiades, in the face of one convincing piece of evidence after
+another?' 'God forbid!' I cried; 'the doubter who should presume,
+thus to brazen it out in the face of Truth would deserve to have a
+golden sandal applied to him after the nursery fashion.'
+
+Arignotus the Pythagorean now came in--the 'divine' Arignotus, as
+he is called; the philosopher of the long hair and the solemn
+countenance, you know, of whose wisdom we hear so much. I breathed
+again when I saw him. 'Ah!' thought I, 'the very man we want! here
+is the axe to hew their lies asunder. The sage will soon pull them
+up when he hears their cock-and-bull stories. Fortune has brought a
+_deus ex machina_ upon the scene.' He sat down (Cleodemus
+rising to make room for him) and inquired after Eucrates's health.
+Eucrates replied that he was better. 'And what,' Arignotus next
+asked, 'is the subject of your learned conversation? I overheard
+your voices as I came in, and doubt not that your time will prove
+to have been profitably employed.' Eucrates pointed to me. 'We were
+only trying,' he said, 'to convince this man of adamant that there
+are such things as supernatural beings and ghosts, and that the
+spirits of the dead walk the earth and manifest themselves to
+whomsoever they will.' Moved by the august presence of Arignotus, I
+blushed, and hung my head. 'Ah, but, Eucrates,' said he, 'perhaps
+all that Tychiades means is, that a spirit only walks if its owner
+met with a violent end, if he was strangled, for instance, or
+beheaded or crucified, and not if he died a natural death. If that
+is what he means, there is great justice in his contention.' 'No,
+no,' says Dinomachus, 'he maintains that there is absolutely no
+such thing as an apparition.' 'What is this I hear?' asked
+Arignotus, scowling upon me; 'you deny the existence of the
+supernatural, when there is scarcely a man who has not seen some
+evidence of it?' 'Therein lies my exculpation,' I replied: 'I do
+not believe in the supernatural, because, unlike the rest of
+mankind, I do not see it: if I saw, I should doubtless believe,
+just as you all do.' 'Well,' said he, 'next time you are in
+Corinth, ask for the house of Eubatides, near the Craneum; and when
+you have found it, go up to Tibius the door-keeper, and tell him
+you would like to see the spot on which Arignotus the Pythagorean
+unearthed the demon, whose expulsion rendered the house habitable
+again.' 'What was that about, Arignotus?' asked Eucrates.
+
+'The house,' replied the other, 'was haunted, and had been
+uninhabited for years: each intending occupant had been at once
+driven out of it in abject terror by a most grim and formidable
+apparition. Finally it had fallen into a ruinous state, the roof
+was giving way, and in short no one would have thought of entering
+it. Well, when I heard about this, I got my books together (I have
+a considerable number of Egyptian works on these subjects) and went
+off to the house about bed-time, undeterred by the remonstrances of
+my host, who considered that I was walking into the jaws of Death,
+and would almost have detained me by force when he learnt my
+destination. I took a lamp and entered alone, and putting down my
+light in the principal room, I sat on the floor quietly reading.
+The spirit now made his appearance, thinking that he had to do with
+an ordinary person, and that he would frighten me as he had
+frightened so many others. He was pitch-black, with a tangled mass
+of hair. He drew near, and assailed me from all quarters, trying
+every means to get the better of me, and changing in a moment from
+dog to bull, from bull to lion. Armed with my most appalling
+adjuration, uttered in the Egyptian tongue, I drove him spell-bound
+into the corner of a dark room, marked the spot at which he
+disappeared, and passed the rest of the night in peace. In the
+morning, to the amazement of all beholders (for every one had given
+me up for lost, and expected to find me lying dead like former
+occupants), I issued from the house, and carried to Eubatides the
+welcome news that it was now cleared of its grim visitant, and fit
+to serve as a human habitation. He and a number of others, whom
+curiosity had prompted to join us, followed me to the spot at which
+I had seen the demon vanish. I instructed them to take spades and
+pick-axes and dig: they did so; and at about a fathom's depth we
+discovered a mouldering corpse, of which nothing but the bones
+remained entire. We took the skeleton up, and placed it in a grave;
+and from that day to this the house has never been troubled with
+apparitions.'
+
+After such a story as this-coming as it did from Arignotus, who was
+generally looked up to as a man of inspired wisdom--my incredulous
+attitude towards the supernatural was loudly condemned on all
+hands. However, I was not frightened by his long hair, nor by his
+reputation. 'Dear, dear!' I exclaimed, 'so Arignotus, the sole
+mainstay of Truth, is as bad as the rest of them, as full of windy
+imaginings! Our treasure proves to be but ashes.' 'Now look here,
+Tychiades,' said Arignotus, 'you will not believe me, nor
+Dinomachus, nor Cleodemus here, nor yet Eucrates: we shall be glad
+to know who is your great authority on the other side, who is to
+outweigh us all?' 'No less a person,' I replied, 'than the sage of
+Abdera, the wondrous Democritus himself. _His_ disbelief in
+apparitions is sufficiently clear. When he had shut himself up in
+that tomb outside the city gates, there to spend his days and
+nights in literary labours, certain young fellows, who had a mind
+to play their pranks on the philosopher and give him a fright, got
+themselves up in black palls and skull-masks, formed a ring round
+him, and treated him to a brisk dance. Was Democritus alarmed at
+the ghosts? Not he: "Come, enough of that nonsense," was all he had
+to say to them; and that without so much as looking up, or taking
+pen from paper. Evidently _he_ had quite made up his mind
+about disembodied spirits.' 'Which simply proves,' retorted
+Eucrates, 'that Democritus was no wiser than yourself. Now I am
+going to tell you of another thing that happened to me personally;
+I did not get the story second-hand. Even you, Tychiades, will
+scarcely hold out against so convincing a narrative.
+
+'When I was a young man, I passed some time in Egypt, my father
+having sent me to that country for my education. I took it into my
+head to sail up the Nile to Coptus, and thence pay a visit to the
+statue of Memnon, and hear the curious sound that proceeds from it
+at sunrise. In this respect, I was more fortunate than most people,
+who hear nothing but an indistinct voice: Memnon actually opened
+his lips, and delivered me an oracle in seven hexameters; it is
+foreign to my present purpose, or I would quote you the very lines.
+Well now, one of my fellow passengers on the way up was a scribe of
+Memphis, an extraordinarily able man, versed in all the lore of the
+Egyptians. He was said to have passed twenty-three years of his
+life underground in the tombs, studying occult sciences under the
+instruction of Isis herself.' 'You must mean the divine Pancrates,
+my teacher,' exclaimed Arignotus; 'tall, clean-shaven, snub-nosed,
+protruding lips, rather thin in the legs; dresses entirely in
+linen, has a thoughtful expression, and speaks Greek with a slight
+accent?' 'Yes, it was Pancrates himself. I knew nothing about him
+at first, but whenever we anchored I used to see him doing the most
+marvellous things,--for instance, he would actually ride on the
+crocodiles' backs, and swim about among the brutes, and they would
+fawn upon him and wag their tails; and then I realized that he was
+no common man. I made some advances, and by imperceptible degrees
+came to be on quite a friendly footing with him, and was admitted
+to a share in his mysterious arts. The end of it was, that he
+prevailed on me to leave all my servants behind at Memphis, and
+accompany him alone; assuring me that we should not want for
+attendance. This plan we accordingly followed from that time
+onwards. Whenever we came to an inn, he used to take up the bar of
+the door, or a broom, or perhaps a pestle, dress it up in clothes,
+and utter a certain incantation; whereupon the thing would begin to
+walk about, so that every one took it for a man. It would go off
+and draw water, buy and cook provisions, and make itself generally
+useful. When we had no further occasion for its services, there was
+another incantation, after which the broom was a broom once more,
+or the pestle a pestle. I could never get him to teach me this
+incantation, though it was not for want of trying; open as he was
+about everything else, he guarded this one secret jealously. At
+last one day I hid in a dark corner, and overheard the magic
+syllables; they were three in number. The Egyptian gave the pestle
+its instructions, and then went off to the market. Well, next day
+he was again busy in the market: so I took the pestle, dressed it,
+pronounced the three syllables exactly as he had done, and ordered
+it to become a water-carrier. It brought me the pitcher full; and
+then I said: _Stop: be water-carrier no longer, but pestle as
+heretofore._ But the thing would take no notice of me: it went
+on drawing water the whole time, until at last the house was full
+of it. This was awkward: if Pancrates came back, he would be angry,
+I thought (and so indeed it turned out). I took an axe, and cut the
+pestle in two. The result was that both halves took pitchers and
+fetched water; I had two water-carriers instead of one. This was
+still going on, when Pancrates appeared. He saw how things stood,
+and turned the water-carriers back into wood; and then he withdrew
+himself from me, and went away, whither I knew not.'
+
+'And you can actually make a man out of a pestle to this day?'
+asked Dinomachus. 'Yes, I can do _that,_ but that is only
+half the process: I cannot turn it back again into its original
+form; if once it became a water-carrier, its activity would swamp
+the house.'
+
+'Oh, stop!' I cried: 'if the thought that you are old men is not
+enough to deter you from talking this trash, at least remember who
+is present: if you do not want to fill these boys' heads with
+ghosts and hobgoblins, postpone your grotesque horrors for a more
+suitable occasion. Have some mercy on the lads: do not accustom
+them to listen to a tangle of superstitious stuff that will cling
+to them for the rest of their lives, and make them start at their
+own shadows.'
+
+'Ah, talking of superstition, now,' says Eucrates, 'that reminds
+me: what do you make of oracles, for instance, and omens? of
+inspired utterances, of voices from the shrine, of the priestess's
+prophetic lines? You will deny all that too, of course? If I were
+to tell you of a certain magic ring in my possession, the seal of
+which is a portrait of the Pythian Apollo, and actually
+_speaks_ to me, I suppose you would decline to believe it, you
+would think I was bragging? But I must tell you all of what I heard
+in the temple of Amphilochus at Mallus, when that hero appeared to
+me in person and gave me counsel, and of what I saw with my own
+eyes on that occasion; and again of all I saw at Pergamum and heard
+at Patara. It was on my way home from Egypt that the oracle of
+Mallus was mentioned to me as a particularly intelligible and
+veracious one: I was told that any question, duly written down on a
+tablet and handed to the priest, would receive a plain, definite
+answer. I thought it would be a good thing to take the oracle on my
+way home, and consult the God as to my future.'
+
+I saw what was coming: this was but the prologue to a whole tragedy
+of the oracular. It was clear enough that I was not wanted, and as
+I did not feel called upon to pose as the sole champion of the
+cause of Truth among so many, I took my leave there and then, while
+Eucrates was still upon the high seas between Egypt and Mallus. 'I
+must go and find Leontichus,' I explained; 'I have to see him about
+something. Meanwhile, you gentlemen, to whom human affairs are not
+sufficient occupation, may solicit the insertion of divine fingers
+into your mythologic pie.' And with that I went out. Relieved of my
+presence, I doubt not that they fell to with a will on their
+banquet of mendacity.
+
+That is what I got by going to Eucrates's; and, upon my word,
+Philocles, my overloaded stomach needs an emetic as much as if I
+had been drinking new wine. I would pay something for the drug that
+should work oblivion in me: I fear the effects of haunting
+reminiscence; monsters, demons, Hecates, seem to pass before my
+eyes.
+
+_Phi_. I am not much better off. They tell us it is not only
+the mad dog that inflicts hydrophobia: his human victim's bite is
+as deadly as his own, and communicates the evil as surely. You, it
+seems, have been bitten with many bites by the liar Eucrates, and
+have passed it on to me; no otherwise can I explain the demoniacal
+poison that runs in my veins.
+
+_Tyc_. What matter, friend? Truth and good sense: these are
+the drugs for our ailment; let us employ them, and that empty
+thing, a lie, need have no terrors for us. F.
+
+
+
+
+DIONYSUS, AN INTRODUCTORY LECTURE
+
+
+When Dionysus invaded India--for I may tell you a Bacchic legend,
+may I not?--it is recorded that the natives so underrated him that
+his approach only amused them at first; or rather, his rashness
+filled them with compassion; he would so soon be trampled to death
+by their elephants, if he took the field against them. Their scouts
+had doubtless given them amazing details about his army: the rank
+and file were frantic mad women crowned with ivy, clad in fawn-
+skins, with little pikes that had no steel about them, but were
+ivy-wreathed like themselves, and toy bucklers that tinkled at a
+touch; they took the tambourines for shields, you see; and then
+there were a few bumpkins among them, stark naked, who danced
+wildly, and had tails, and horns like a new-born kid's.
+
+Their general, who rode on a car drawn by panthers, was quite
+beardless, with not even a vestige of fluff on his face, had horns,
+was crowned with grape-clusters, his hair tied with a fillet, his
+cloak purple, and his shoes of gold. Of his lieutenants, one was
+short, thick-set, paunchy, and flat-nosed, with great upright ears;
+he trembled perpetually, leant upon a narthex-wand, rode mostly
+upon an ass, wore saffron to his superior's purple, and was a very
+suitable general of division for him. The other was a half-human
+hybrid, with hairy legs, horns, and flowing beard, passionate and
+quick-tempered; with a reed-pipe in his left hand, and waving a
+crooked staff in his right, he skipped round and round the host, a
+terror to the women, who let their dishevelled tresses fly abroad
+as he came, with cries of Evoe--the name of their lord, guessed the
+scouts. Their flocks had suffered, they added, the young had been
+seized alive and torn piecemeal by the women; they ate raw flesh,
+it seemed.
+
+All this was food for laughter, as well it might be, to the Indians
+and their king: Take the field? array their hosts against him? no,
+indeed; at worst they might match their women with his, if he still
+came on; for themselves such a victory would be a disgrace; a set
+of mad women, a general in a snood, a little old drunkard, a half-
+soldier, and a few naked dancers; why should they murder such a
+droll crew? However, when they heard how the God was wasting their
+land with fire, giving cities and citizens to the flames, burning
+their forests, and making one great conflagration of all India--for
+fire is the Bacchic instrument, Dionysus's very birthright--, then
+they lost no more time, but armed; they girthed, bitted, and
+castled their elephants, and out they marched; not that they had
+ceased to scorn; but now they were angry too, and in a hurry to
+crush this beardless warrior with all his host.
+
+When the two armies came to sight of one another, the Indians drew
+up their elephants in front and advanced their phalanx; on the
+other side, Dionysus held the centre, Silenus led his right, and
+Pan his left wing; his colonels and captains were the satyrs, and
+the word for the day _evoe._ Straightway tambourines clattered,
+cymbals sounded to battle, a satyr blew the war-note on his horn,
+Silenus's ass sent forth a martial bray, and the maenads leapt
+shrill-voiced on the foe, girt with serpents and baring now the
+steel of their thyrsus-heads. In a moment Indians and elephants
+turned and fled disordered, before even a missile could carry
+across; and the end was that they were smitten and led captive by
+the objects of their laughter; they had learnt the lesson that it
+is not safe to take the first report, and scorn an enemy of whom
+nothing is known.
+
+But you wonder what all this is about--suspect me, possibly, of
+being only too fresh from the company of Bacchus. Perhaps the
+explanation, involving a comparison of myself with Gods, will only
+more convince you of my exalted or my drunken mood; it is, that
+ordinary people are affected by literary novelties (my own
+productions, for instance) much as the Indians were by that
+experience. They have an idea that literary satyr-dances,
+absurdities, pure farce, are to be expected from me, and, however
+they reach their conception of me, they incline to one of two
+attitudes. Some of them avoid my readings altogether, seeing no
+reason for climbing down from their elephants and paying attention
+to revelling women and skipping satyrs; others come with their
+preconceived idea, and when they find that the thyrsus-head has a
+steel point under it, they are too much startled by the surprise to
+venture approval. I confidently promise them, however, that if they
+will attend the rite repeatedly now as in days of yore, if my old
+boon-companions will call to mind the revels that once we shared,
+not be too shy of satyrs and Silenuses, and drink deep of the bowl
+I bring, the frenzy shall take hold upon them too, till their
+_evoes_ vie with mine.
+
+Well, they are free to listen or not; let them take their choice.
+Meanwhile, we are still in India, and I should like to give you
+another fact from that country, again a link between Dionysus and
+our business. In the territory of the Machlaeans, who occupy the
+left bank of the Indus right down to the sea, there is a grove, of
+no great size, but enclosed both round about and overhead, light
+being almost excluded by the profusion of ivy and vine. In it are
+three springs of fair pellucid water, called, one of them the
+satyrs' well, the second Pan's, and the other that of Silenus. The
+Indians enter this grove once a year at the festival of Dionysus,
+and taste the wells, not promiscuously, however, but according to
+age; the satyrs' well is for the young, Pan's for the middle-aged,
+and Silenus's for those at my time of life.
+
+What effect their draught produces on the children, what doings the
+men are spurred to, Pan-ridden, must not detain us; but the
+behaviour of the old under their water intoxication has its
+interest. As soon as one of them has drunk, and Silenus has
+possessed him, he falls dumb for a space like one in vinous
+lethargy; then on a sudden his voice is strong, his articulation
+clear, his intonation musical; from dead silence issues a stream of
+talk; the gag would scarce restrain him from incessant chatter;
+tale upon tale he reels you off. Yet all is sense and order withal;
+his words are as many, and find their place as well, as those
+'winter snowflakes' of Homer's orator. You may talk of his swan-
+song if you will, mindful of his years; but you must add that his
+chirping is quick and lively as the grasshopper's, till evening
+comes; then the fit is past; he falls silent, and is his common
+self again. But the greatest wonder I have yet to tell: if he leave
+unfinished the tale he was upon, and the setting sun cut him short,
+then at his next year's draught he will resume it where the
+inspiration of this year deserted him.
+
+Gentlemen, I have been pointing Momus-like at my own foibles; I
+need not trouble you with the application; you can make out the
+resemblance for yourselves. But if you find me babbling, you know
+now what has loosed my tongue; and if there is shrewdness in any of
+my words, then to Silenus be the thanks.
+
+
+
+
+HERACLES, AN INTRODUCTORY LECTURE
+
+
+Our Heracles is known among the Gauls under the local name of
+Ogmius; and the appearance he presents in their pictures is truly
+grotesque. They make him out as old as old can be: the few hairs he
+has left (he is quite bald in front) are dead white, and his skin
+is wrinkled and tanned as black as any old salt's. You would take
+him for some infernal deity, for Charon or Iapetus,--any one rather
+than Heracles. Such as he is, however, he has all the proper
+attributes of that God: the lion's-skin hangs over his shoulders,
+his right hand grasps the club, his left the strung bow, and a
+quiver is slung at his side; nothing is wanting to the Heraclean
+equipment.
+
+Now I thought at first that this was just a cut at the Greek Gods;
+that in taking these liberties with the personal appearance of
+Heracles, the Gauls were merely exacting pictorial vengeance for
+his invasion of their territory; for in his search after the herds
+of Geryon he had overrun and plundered most of the peoples of the
+West. However, I have yet to mention the most remarkable feature in
+the portrait. This ancient Heracles drags after him a vast crowd of
+men, all of whom are fastened by the ears with thin chains composed
+of gold and amber, and looking more like beautiful necklaces than
+anything else. From this flimsy bondage they make no attempt to
+escape, though escape must be easy. There is not the slightest show
+of resistance: instead of planting their heels in the ground and
+dragging back, they follow with joyful alacrity, singing their
+captor's praises the while; and from the eagerness with which they
+hurry after him to prevent the chains from tightening, one would
+say that release is the last thing they desire. Nor will I conceal
+from you what struck me as the most curious circumstance of all.
+Heracles's right hand is occupied with the club, and his left with
+the bow: how is he to hold the ends of the chains? The painter
+solves the difficulty by boring a hole in the tip of the God's
+tongue, and making that the means of attachment; his head is turned
+round, and he regards his followers with a smiling countenance.
+
+For a long time I stood staring at this in amazement: I knew not
+what to make of it, and was beginning to feel somewhat nettled,
+when I was addressed in admirable Greek by a Gaul who stood at my
+side, and who besides possessing a scholarly acquaintance with the
+Gallic mythology, proved to be not unfamiliar with our own. 'Sir,'
+he said, 'I see this picture puzzles you: let me solve the riddle.
+We Gauls connect eloquence not with Hermes, as you do, but with the
+mightier Heracles. Nor need it surprise you to see him represented
+as an old man. It is the prerogative of eloquence, that it reaches
+perfection in old age; at least if we may believe your poets, who
+tell us that
+
+  Youth is the sport of every random gust,
+
+whereas old age
+
+  Hath that to say that passes youthful wit.
+
+Thus we find that from Nestor's lips honey is distilled; and that
+the words of the Trojan counsellors are compared to the lily,
+which, if I have not forgotten my Greek, is the name of a flower.
+Hence, if you will consider the relation that exists between tongue
+and ear, you will find nothing more natural than the way in which
+our Heracles, who is Eloquence personified, draws men along with
+their ears tied to his tongue. Nor is any slight intended by the
+hole bored through that member: I recollect a passage in one of
+your comic poets in which we are told that
+
+  There is a hole in every glib tongue's tip.
+
+Indeed, we refer the achievements of the original Heracles, from
+first to last, to his wisdom and persuasive eloquence. His shafts,
+as I take it, are no other than his words; swift, keen-pointed,
+true-aimed to do deadly execution on the soul.' And in conclusion
+he reminded me of our own phrase, 'winged words.'
+
+Now while I was debating within myself the advisability of
+appearing before you, and of submitting myself for a second time to
+the verdict of this enormous jury, old as I am, and long unused to
+lecturing, the thought of this Heracles portrait came to my relief.
+I had been afraid that some of you would consider it a piece of
+youthful audacity inexcusable in one of my years. 'Thy force,' some
+Homeric youth might remark with crushing effect, 'is spent; dull
+age hath borne thee down'; and he might add, in playful allusion to
+my gouty toes,
+
+  Slow are thy steeds, and weakness waits upon thee.
+
+But the thought of having that venerable hero to keep me in
+countenance emboldens me to risk everything: I am no older than he.
+Good-bye, then, to bodily perfections, to strength and speed and
+beauty; Love, when he sees my grey beard, is welcome to fly past,
+as the poet of Teos [Footnote: Anacreon.] has it, with rush of
+gilded wings; 'tis all one to Hippoclides. Old age is Wisdom's
+youth, the day of her glorious flower: let her draw whom she can by
+the ears; let her shoot her bolts freely; no fear now lest the
+supply run short. There is the old man's comfort, on the strength
+of which he ventures to drag down his boat, which has long lain
+high and dry, provision her as best he may, and once more put out
+to sea.
+
+Never did I stand in more need of a generous breeze, to fill my
+sails and speed me on my way: may the Gods dispose you to
+contribute thereto; so shall I not be found wanting, and of me, as
+of Odysseus, it shall be said
+
+  How stout a thigh lurked 'neath the old man's rags!
+
+
+
+
+SWANS AND AMBER
+
+
+You have no doubt a proper faith in the amber legend--how it is the
+tears shed by poplars on the Eridanus for Phaethon, the said
+poplars being his sisters, who were changed to trees in the course
+of their mourning, and continue to distil their lacrimal amber.
+That was what the poets taught me, and I looked forward, if ever
+fortune should bring me to the Eridanus, to standing under a
+poplar, catching a few tears in a fold of my dress, and having a
+supply of the commodity.
+
+Sure enough, I found myself there not long ago upon another errand,
+and had occasion to go up the Eridanus; but, though I was all eyes,
+I saw neither poplars nor amber, and the natives had not so much as
+heard of Phaethon. I started my inquiries by asking when we should
+come to the amber poplars; the boatmen only laughed, and requested
+explanations. I told them the story: Phaethon was a son of Helius,
+and when he grew up came to his father and asked if he might drive
+his car, and be the day-maker just that once. His father consented,
+but he was thrown out and killed, and his mourning sisters 'in this
+land of yours,' I said, 'where he fell on the Eridanus, turned into
+poplars, and still weep amber for him.'
+
+'What liar took you in like that, sir?' they said; 'we never saw a
+coachman spilt; and where are the poplars? why, do you suppose, if
+it was true, we would row or tow up stream for sixpences? we should
+only have to collect poplar-tears to be rich men.' This truth
+impressed me a good deal; I said no more, and was painfully
+conscious of my childishness in trusting the poets; they deal in
+such extravagant fictions, they come to scorn sober fact. Here was
+one hope gone; I had set my heart upon it, and was as much
+chagrined as if I had dropped the amber out of my hands; I had had
+all my plans ready for the various uses to which it was to be put.
+
+However, there was one thing I still thought I really should find
+there, and that was flocks of swans singing on the banks. We were
+still on the way up, and I applied to the boatmen again: 'About
+what time do the swans take post for their famous musical
+entertainment?--Apollo's fellow craftsmen, you know, who were
+changed here from men to birds, and still sing in memory of their
+ancient art.'
+
+But they only jeered at me: 'Are you going to lie all day about our
+country and our river, pray? We are always on the water; we have
+worked all our lives on the Eridanus; well, we do see a swan now
+and again in the marshes; and a harsh feeble croak their note is;
+crows or jackdaws are sirens to them; as for sweet singing such as
+you tell of, not a ghost of it. We cannot make out where you folk
+get all these tales about us.'
+
+Such disappointments are the natural consequence of trusting
+picturesque reporters. Well now, I am afraid the newcomers among
+you, who hear me for the first time, may have been expecting swans
+and amber from me, and may presently depart laughing at the people
+who encouraged them to look for such literary treasures. But I
+solemnly aver that no one has ever heard or ever shall hear me
+making any such claims. Other persons in plenty you may find who
+are Eridanuses, rich not in amber, but in very gold, and more
+melodious far than the poets' swans. But you see how plain and
+unromantic is my material; song is not in me. Any one who expects
+great things from me will be like a man looking at an object in
+water. Its image is magnified by an optical effect; he takes the
+reality to correspond to the appearance, and when he fishes it up
+is disgusted to find it so small. So I pour out the water, exhibit
+my wares, and warn you not to hope for a large haul; if you do, you
+have only yourselves to blame. H.
+
+
+
+
+THE FLY, AN APPRECIATION
+
+
+The fly is not the smallest of winged things, on a level with
+gnats, midges, and still tinier creatures; it is as much larger
+than they as smaller than the bee. It has not feathers of the usual
+sort, is not fledged all over like some, nor provided with quill-
+feathers like other birds, but resembles locusts, grasshoppers, and
+bees in being gauze-winged, this sort of wing being as much more
+delicate than the ordinary as Indian fabrics are lighter and softer
+than Greek. Moreover, close inspection of them when spread out and
+moving in the sun will show them to be peacock-hued.
+
+Its flight is accompanied neither by the incessant wing-beat of the
+bat, the jump of the locust, nor the buzz of the wasp, but carries
+it easily in any direction. It has the further merit of a music
+neither sullen as with the gnat kind, deep as with the bee, nor
+grim and threatening as with the wasp; it is as much more tuneful
+than they as the flute is sweeter than trumpet or cymbals.
+
+As for the rest of its person, the head is very slenderly attached
+by the neck, easily turned, and not all of one piece with the body
+as in the locust; the eyes are projecting and horny; the chest
+strong, with the legs springing freely from it instead of lying
+close like a wasp's. The belly also is well fortified, and looks
+like a breastplate, with its broad bands and scales. Its weapons
+are not in the tail as with wasp and bee, but in its mouth and
+proboscis; with the latter, in which it is like the elephant, it
+forages, takes hold of things, and by means of a sucker at its tip
+attaches itself firmly to them. This proboscis is also supplied
+with a projecting tooth, with which the fly makes a puncture, and
+so drinks blood. It does drink milk, but also likes blood, which it
+gets without hurting its prey much. Of its six legs, four only are
+for walking, and the front pair serves for hands; you may see it
+standing on four legs and holding up a morsel in these hands, which
+it consumes in very human fashion.
+
+It does not come into being in its ultimate shape, but starts as a
+worm in the dead body of man or animal; then it gradually develops
+legs, puts forth wings and becomes a flying instead of a creeping
+thing, which generates in turn and produces a little worm, one day
+to be a fly. Living with man, sharing his food and his table, it
+tastes everything except his oil, to drink which is death to it. In
+any case it soon perishes, having but a short span of life allotted
+to it, but while it lives it loves the light, and is active only
+under its influence; at night it rests, neither flying nor buzzing,
+but retiring and keeping quiet.
+
+I am able to record its considerable wisdom, shown in evading the
+plots of its enemy the spider. It is always on the look-out for his
+ambushes, and in the most circumspect way dodges about, that it may
+not be caught, netted, and entangled in his meshes. Its valour and
+spirit require no mention of mine; Homer, mightiest-voiced of
+poets, seeking a compliment for the greatest of heroes, likens his
+spirit not to a lion's, a panther's, a boar's, but to the courage
+of the fly, to its unshrinking and persistent assault; mark, it is
+not mere audacity, but courage, that he attributes to it. Though
+you drive it off, he says, it will not leave you; it will have its
+bite. He is so earnest an admirer of the fly that he alludes to it
+not once nor twice, but constantly; a mention of it is felt to be a
+poetic ornament. Now it is its multitudinous descent upon the milk
+that he celebrates; now he is in want of an illustration for Athene
+as she wards off a spear from the vitals of Menelaus; so he makes
+her a mother caring for her sleeping child, and in comes the fly
+again. Moreover he gives them that pretty epithet, 'thick-
+clust'ring'; and 'nations' is his dignified word for a swarm of
+them.
+
+The fly's force is shown by the fact that its bite pierces not
+merely the human skin, but that of cattle and horses; it annoys
+the elephant by getting into the folds of its hide, and letting
+it know the efficiency of even a tiny trunk. There is much ease
+and freedom about their love affairs, which are not disposed of
+so expeditiously as by the domestic fowl; the act of union is
+prolonged, and is found quite compatible with flight. A fly will
+live and breathe for some time after its head is cut off.
+
+The most remarkable point about its natural history is that which I
+am now to mention. It is the one fact that Plato seems to me to
+have overlooked in his discourse of the soul and its immortality.
+If a little ashes be sprinkled on a dead fly, it gets up,
+experiences a second birth, and starts life afresh, which is
+recognized as a convincing proof that its soul is immortal,
+inasmuch as after it has departed it returns, recognizes and
+reanimates the body, and enables it to fly; so is confirmed the
+tale about Hermotimus of Clazomenae--how his soul frequently left
+him and went off on its own account, and afterwards returning
+occupied the body again and restored the man to life.
+
+It toils not, but lives at its case, profiting by the labours of
+others, and finding everywhere a table spread for it. For it the
+goats are milked, for its behoof and man's the honey is stored, to
+its palate the _chef_ adapts his sauces; it tastes before the
+king himself, walks upon his table, shares his meal, and has the
+use of all that is his.
+
+Nest, home, local habitation, it has none; like the Scythians, it
+elects to lead a wandering life, and where night finds it, there is
+its hearth and its chamber. But as I said, it works no deeds of
+darkness; 'live openly' is its motto; its principle is to do no
+villany that, done in the face of day, would dishonour it.
+
+Legend tells how Myia (the fly's ancient name) was once a maiden,
+exceeding fair, but over-given to talk and chatter and song,
+Selene's rival for the love of Endymion. When the young man slept,
+she was for ever waking him with her gossip and tunes and
+merriment, till he lost patience, and Selene in wrath turned her to
+what she now is. And therefore it is that she still, in memory of
+Endymion, grudges all sleepers their rest, and most of all the
+young and tender. Her very bite and blood-thirst tell not of
+savagery, but of love and human kindness; she is but enjoying
+mankind as she may, and sipping beauty.
+
+In ancient times there was a woman of her name, a poetess wise and
+beautiful, and another a famous Attic courtesan, of whom the comic
+poet wrote:
+
+  As deep as to his heart fair Myia bit him.
+
+The comic Muse, we see, disdained not the name, nor refused it the
+hospitality of the boards; and parents took no shame to give it to
+their daughters. Tragedy goes further and speaks of the fly in high
+terms of praise, as witness the following:
+
+  Foul shame the little fly, with might courageous,
+  Should leap upon men's limbs, athirst for blood,
+  But men-at-arms shrink from the foeman's steel!
+
+I might add many details about Pythagoras's daughter Myia, were not
+her story too well known.
+
+There are also flies of very large size, called generally soldier-
+flies, or dog-flies; these have a hoarse buzz, a very rapid
+flight, and quite long lives; they last the winter through without
+food, mostly in sheltered nooks below the roof; the most remarkable
+fact about these is that they are hermaphrodites.
+
+But I must break off; not that my subject is exhausted; only that
+to exhaust such a subject is too like breaking a butterfly on the
+wheel.
+
+
+
+
+REMARKS ADDRESSED TO AN ILLITERATE BOOK-FANCIER
+
+
+Let me tell you, that you are choosing the worst way to attain your
+object. You think that by buying up all the best books you can lay
+your hands on, you will pass for a man of literary tastes: not a
+bit of it; you are merely exposing thereby your own ignorance of
+literature. Why, you cannot even buy the right things: any casual
+recommendation is enough to guide your choice; you are as clay in
+the hands of the unscrupulous amateur, and as good as cash down to
+any dealer. How are you to know the difference between genuine old
+books that are worth money, and trash whose only merit is that it
+is falling to pieces? You are reduced to taking the worms and moths
+into your confidence; their activity is your sole clue to the value
+of a book; as to the accuracy and fidelity of the copyist, that is
+quite beyond you.
+
+And supposing even that you had managed to pick out such veritable
+treasures as the exquisite editions of Callinus, or those of the
+far-famed Atticus, most conscientious of publishers,--what does it
+profit you? Their beauty means nothing to you, my poor friend; you
+will get precisely as much enjoyment out of them as a blind lover
+would derive from the possession of a handsome mistress. Your eyes,
+to be sure, are open; you do see your books, goodness knows, see
+them till you must be sick of the sight; you even read a bit here
+and there, in a scrambling fashion, your lips still busy with one
+sentence while your eyes are on the next. But what is the use of
+that? You cannot tell good from bad: you miss the writer's general
+drift, you miss his subtle arrangements of words: the chaste
+elegance of a pure style, the false ring of the counterfeit,--'tis
+all one to you.
+
+Are we to understand that you possess literary discernment without
+the assistance of any study? And how should that be? perhaps, like
+Hesiod, you received a laurel-branch from the Muses? As to that, I
+doubt whether you have so much as heard of Helicon, the reputed
+haunt of those Goddesses; your youthful pursuits were not those of
+a Hesiod; take not the Muses' names in vain. They might not have
+any scruples about appearing to a hardy, hairy, sunburnt shepherd:
+but as for coming near such a one as you (you will excuse my
+particularizing further just now, when I appeal to you in the name
+of the Goddess of Lebanon?) they would scorn the thought; instead
+of laurel, you would have tamarisk and mallow-leaves about your
+back; the waters of Olmeum and Hippocrene are for thirsty sheep and
+stainless shepherds, they must not be polluted by unclean lips. I
+grant you a very creditable stock of effrontery: but you will
+scarcely have the assurance to call yourself an educated man; you
+will scarcely pretend that your acquaintance with literature is
+more than skin-deep, or give us the names of your teacher and your
+fellow students?
+
+No; you think you are going to work off all arrears by the simple
+expedient of buying a number of books. But there again: you may get
+together the works of Demosthenes, and his eight beautiful copies
+of Thucydides, all in the orator's own handwriting, and all the
+manuscripts that Sulla sent away from Athens to Italy,--and you
+will be no nearer to culture at the end of it, though you should
+sleep with them under your pillow, or paste them together and wear
+them as a garment; an ape is still an ape, says the proverb, though
+his trappings be of gold. So it is with you: you have always a book
+in your hand, you are always reading; but what it is all about, you
+have not an idea; you do but prick up asinine ears at the lyre's
+sound. Books would be precious things indeed, if the mere
+possession of them guaranteed culture to their owner. You rich men
+would have it all your own way then; we paupers could not stand
+against you, if learning were a marketable commodity; and as for
+the dealers, no one would presume to contest the point of culture
+with men who have whole shopfuls of books at their disposal.
+However, you will find on examination that these privileged persons
+are scarcely less ignorant than yourself. They have just your vile
+accent, and are as deficient in intelligence as one would expect
+men to be who have never learnt to distinguish good from bad. Now
+you see, _you_ have merely bought a few odd volumes from them:
+they are at the fountain-head, and are handling books day and
+night. Judge from this how much good your purchases are likely to
+do you; unless you think that your very book-cases acquire a
+tincture of learning, from the bare fact of their housing so many
+ancient manuscripts.
+
+Oblige me by answering some questions; or rather, as circumstances
+will not admit of your answering, just nod or shake your head. If
+the flute of Timotheus, or that of Ismenias, which its owner sold
+in Corinth for a couple of thousand pounds, were to fall into the
+hands of a person who did not know how to play the instrument,
+would that make him a flute-player? would his acquisition leave him
+any wiser than it found him? You very properly shake your head. A
+man might possess the instrument of a Marsyas or an Olympus, and
+still he would not be able to play it if he had never learnt. Take
+another case: a man gets hold of Heracles's bow and arrows: but he
+is no Philoctetes; he has neither that marksman's strength nor his
+eye. What do you say? will he acquit himself creditably? Again you
+shake your head. The same will be the case with the ignorant pilot
+who is entrusted with a ship, or with the unpractised rider on
+horseback. Nothing is wanting to the beauty and efficiency of the
+vessel, and the horse may be a Median or a Thessalian or a Koppa
+[Footnote: The brand of the obsolete letter Koppa is supposed to
+have denoted the Corinthian breed.]: yet I take it that the
+incompetence of their respective owners will be made clear; am I
+right? And now let me ask your assent to one more proposition: if
+an illiterate person like yourself goes in for buying books, he is
+thereby laying himself open to ridicule. You hesitate? Yet surely
+nothing could be clearer: who could observe such a man at work, and
+abstain from the inevitable allusion to pearls and swine?
+
+There was a wealthy man in Asia, not many years ago, who was so
+unfortunate as to lose both his feet; I think he had been
+travelling through snow-drifts, and had got them frost-bitten.
+Well, of course, it was a very hard case; and in ordering a pair of
+wooden feet, by means of which he contrived to get along with the
+assistance of servants, he was no doubt only making the best of a
+bad job. But the absurd thing was, that he would always make a
+point of having the smartest and newest of shoes to set off his
+stumps--feet, I mean. Now are you any wiser than he, when for the
+adornment of that hobbling, wooden understanding of yours you go to
+the expense of such golden shoes as would tax the agility of a
+sound-limbed intellect?
+
+Among your other purchases are several copies of Homer. Get some
+one to turn up the second book of the Iliad, and read to you. There
+is only one part you need trouble about; the rest does not apply to
+your case. I refer to the harangue of a certain ludicrous, maimed,
+distorted creature called Thersites. Now imagine this Thersites,
+such as he is there depicted, to have clothed himself in the armour
+of Achilles. What will be the result? Will he be converted there
+and then into a stalwart, comely warrior, clearing the river at a
+bound, and staining its waters with Phrygian blood? Will he prove a
+slayer of Asteropaeuses and Lycaons, and finally of Hectors, he who
+cannot so much as bear Achilles's spear upon his shoulders? Of
+course not. He will simply be ridiculous: the weight of the shield
+will cause him to stagger, and will presently bring him on to his
+nose; beneath the helmet, as often as he looks up, will be seen
+that squint; the Achillean greaves will be a sad drag to his
+progress, and the rise and fall of the breast-plate will tell a
+tale of a humped-back; in short, neither the armourer nor the owner
+of the arms will have much to boast of. You are just like
+Thersites, if only you could see it. When you take in hand your
+fine volume, purple-cased, gilt-bossed, and begin reading with that
+accent of yours, maiming and murdering its contents, you make
+yourself ridiculous to all educated men: your own toadies commend
+you, but they generally get in a chuckle too, as they catch one
+another's eye.
+
+Let me tell you a story of what happened once at Delphi. A native
+of Tarentum, Evangelus by name, a person of some note in his own
+city, conceived the ambition of winning a prize in the Pythian
+Games. Well, he saw at once that the athletic contests were quite
+out of the question; he had neither the strength nor the agility
+required. A musical victory, on the other hand, would be an easy
+matter; so at least he was persuaded by his vile parasites, who
+used to burst into a roar of applause the moment he touched the
+strings of his lyre. He arrived at Delphi in great style: among
+other things, he had provided himself with gold-bespangled
+garments, and a beautiful golden laurel-wreath, with full-size
+emerald berries. As for his lyre, that was a most gorgeous and
+costly affair--solid gold throughout, and ornamented with all
+kinds of gems, and with figures of Apollo and Orpheus and the
+Muses, a wonder to all beholders. The eventful day at length
+arrived. There were three competitors, of whom Evangelus was to
+come second. Thespis the Theban performed first, and acquitted
+himself creditably; and then Evangelus appeared, resplendent in
+gold and emeralds, beryls and jacinths, the effect being heightened
+by his purple robe, which made a background to the gold; the house
+was all excitement and wondering anticipation. As singing and
+playing were an essential part of the competition, Evangelus now
+struck up with a few meaningless, disconnected notes, assaulting
+his lyre with such needless violence that he broke three strings at
+the start; and when he began to sing with his discordant pipe of a
+voice the whole audience was convulsed with laughter, and the
+stewards, enraged at his presumption, scourged him out of the
+theatre. Our golden Evangelus now presented a very queer spectacle,
+as the floggers drove him across the stage, weeping and bloody-
+limbed, and stooping to pick up the gems that had fallen from the
+lyre; for that instrument had come in for its share of the
+castigation. His place was presently taken by one Eumelus of Elis:
+his lyre was an old one, with wooden pegs, and his clothes and
+crown would scarcely have fetched ten shillings between them. But
+for all that his well-managed voice and admirable execution caused
+him to be proclaimed the victor; and he was very merry over the
+unavailing splendours of his rival's gem-studded instrument.
+'Evangelus,' he is reported to have said to him, 'yours is the
+golden laurel--you can afford it: I am a pauper, and must put up
+with the Delphian wreath. No one will be sorry for your defeat;
+your arrogance and incompetence have made you an object of
+detestation; that is all your equipment has done for you.' Here
+again the application is obvious; Evangelus differing from you only
+in his sensibility to public ridicule.
+
+I have also an old Lesbian story which is very much to the point.
+It is said that after Orpheus had been torn to pieces by the
+Thracian women, his head and his lyre were carried down the Hebrus
+into the sea; the head, it seems, floated down upon the lyre,
+singing Orpheus's dirge as it went, while the winds blew an
+accompaniment upon the strings. In this manner they reached the
+coast of Lesbos; the head was then taken up and buried on the site
+of the present temple of Bacchus, and the lyre was long preserved
+as a relic in the temple of Apollo. Later on, however, Neanthus,
+son of the tyrant Pittacus, hearing how the lyre had charmed beasts
+and trees and stones, and how after Orpheus's destruction it had
+played of its own accord, conceived a violent fancy for the
+instrument, and by means of a considerable bribe prevailed upon the
+priest to give him the genuine lyre, and replace it with one of
+similar appearance. Not thinking it advisable to display his
+acquisition in the city in broad daylight, he waited till night,
+and then, putting it under his cloak, walked off into the
+outskirts; and there this youth, who had not a note of music in
+him, produced his instrument and began jangling on the strings,
+expecting such divine strains to issue therefrom as would subdue
+all souls, and prove him the fortunate heir to Orpheus's power. He
+went on till a number of dogs collected at the sound and tore him
+limb from limb; thus far, at least, his fate resembled that of
+Orpheus, though his power of attraction extended only to hostile
+dogs. It was abundantly proved that the charm lay not in the lyre,
+but solely in those peculiar gifts of song and music that had been
+bestowed upon Orpheus by his mother; as to the lyre, it was just
+like other lyres.
+
+But there: what need to go back to Orpheus and Neanthus? We have
+instances in our own days: I believe the man is still alive who
+paid 120 pounds for the earthenware lamp of Epictetus the Stoic. I
+suppose he thought he had only to read by the light of that lamp,
+and the wisdom of Epictetus would be communicated to him in his
+dreams, and he himself assume the likeness of that venerable sage.
+And it was only a day or two ago that another enthusiast paid down
+250 pounds for the staff dropped by the Cynic Proteus [Footnote:
+See _Peregrine_ in Notes.] when he leaped upon the pyre. He
+treasures this relic, and shows it off just as the people of Tegea
+do the hide of the Calydonian boar [Footnote: See _Oenevs_ in
+Notes.], or the Thebans the bones of Geryon, or the Memphians Isis'
+hair. Now the original owner of this precious staff was one who for
+ignorance and vulgarity would have borne away the palm from
+yourself.--My friend, you are in a bad way: a stick across the head
+is what you want.
+
+They say that when Dionysius took to tragedy-writing he made such
+sad stuff of it that Philoxenus was more than once thrown into the
+quarries because he could not control his laughter. Finding that
+his efforts only made him ridiculous, Dionysius was at some pains
+to procure the tablets on which Aeschylus had been wont to write.
+He looked to draw divine inspiration from them: as it turned out,
+however, he now wrote considerably worse rubbish than before. Among
+the contents of the tablets I may quote:
+
+  'Twas Dionysius' wife, Doridion.
+
+Here is another:
+
+  Most serviceable woman! thou art gone!
+
+Genuine tablet that, and the next:
+
+  Men that are fools are their own folly's butt.
+
+Taken with reference to yourself, by the way, nothing could be more
+to the point than this last line; Dionysius's tablets deserved
+gilding, if only for that.
+
+What is your idea, now, in all this rolling and unrolling of
+scrolls? To what end the gluing and the trimming, the cedar-oil and
+saffron, the leather cases and the bosses? Much good your purchases
+have been to you; one sees that already: why, your language--no, I
+am wrong there, you are as dumb as a fish-but your life, your
+unmentionable vices, make every one hate the sight of you; if that
+is what books do, one cannot keep too clear of them. There are two
+ways in which a man may derive benefit from the study of the
+ancients: he may learn to express himself, or he may improve his
+morals by their example and warning; when it is clear that he has
+not profited in either of these respects, what are his books but a
+habitation for mice and vermin, and a source of castigation to
+negligent servants?
+
+And how very foolish you must look when any one finds you with a
+book in your hand (and you are never to be seen without) and asks
+you who is your orator, your poet, or your historian: you have seen
+the title, of course, and can answer that question pat: but then
+one word brings up another, and some criticism, favourable or the
+reverse, is passed upon the contents of your volume: you are dumb
+and helpless; you pray for the earth to open and swallow you; you
+stand like Bellerophon with the warrant for your own execution in
+your hand.
+
+Once in Corinth Demetrius the Cynic found some illiterate person
+reading aloud from a very handsome volume, the Bacchae of
+Euripides, I think it was. He had got to the place where the
+messenger is relating the destruction of Pentheus by Agave, when
+Demetrius snatched the book from him and tore it in two: 'Better,'
+he exclaimed, 'that Pentheus should suffer one rending at my hands
+than many at yours.'
+
+I have often wondered, though I have never been able to satisfy
+myself, what it is that makes you such an ardent buyer of books.
+The idea of your making any profitable use of them is one that
+nobody who has the slightest acquaintance with you would entertain
+for a moment: does the bald man buy a comb, the blind a mirror, the
+deaf a flute-player? the eunuch a concubine, the landsman an oar,
+the pilot a plough? Are you merely seizing an opportunity of
+displaying your wealth? Is it just your way of showing the public
+that you can afford to spend money even on things that are of no
+use to you? Why, even a Syrian like myself knows that if you had
+not got your name foisted into that old man's will, you would have
+been starving by this time, and all your books must have been put
+up to sale.
+
+Only one possible explanation remains: your toadies have made you
+believe that in addition to your charms of person you have an
+extraordinary gift for rhetoric, history, and philosophy; and you
+buy books merely to countenance their flatteries. It seems that you
+actually hold forth to them at table; and they, poor thirsty frogs,
+must croak dry-throated applause till they burst, or there is no
+drink for them. You are a most curiously gullible person: you take
+in every word they say to you. You were made to believe at one time
+that your features resembled those of a certain Emperor. We had had
+a pseudo-Alexander, and a pseudo-Philip, the fuller, and there was
+a pseudo-Nero as recently as our own grandfathers' times: you were
+for adding one more to the noble army of pseudos. After all, it was
+nothing for an illiterate fool like you to take such a fancy into
+his head, and walk about with his chin in the air, aping the gait
+and dress and expression of his supposed model: even the Epirot
+king Pyrrhus, remarkable man that he was in other respects, had the
+same foible, and was persuaded by his flatterers that he was like
+Alexander, Alexander the Great, that is. In point of fact, I have
+seen Pyrrhus's portrait, and the two--to borrow a musical phrase--
+are about as much like one another as bass and treble; and yet he
+was convinced he was the image of Alexander. However, if that were
+all, it would be rather too bad of me to insult Pyrrhus by the
+comparison: but I am justified by the sequel; it suits your case so
+exactly. When once Pyrrhus had got this fancy into his head, every
+one else ran mad for company, till at last an old woman of Larissa,
+who did not know Pyrrhus, told him the plain truth, and cured his
+delusion. After showing her portraits of Philip, Perdiccas,
+Alexander, Casander, and other kings, Pyrrhus finally asked her
+which of these he resembled, taking it as a matter of course that
+she would fix upon Alexander: however, she considered for some
+time, and at length informed him that he was most like Batrachion
+the cook, there being a cook of that name in Larissa who _was_
+very like Pyrrhus. What particular theatrical pander _you_
+most resemble I will not pretend to decide: all I can state with
+certainty is that to this day you pass for a raving madman on the
+strength of this fancy.. After such an instance of your critical
+discernment, we need not be surprised to find that your flatterers
+have inspired you with the further ambition of being taken for a
+scholar.
+
+But I am talking nonsense. The cause of your bibliomania is clear
+enough; I must have been dozing, or I should have seen it long ago.
+This is your idea of strategy: you know the Emperor's scholarly
+tastes, and his respect for culture, and you think it will be worth
+something to you if he hears of your literary pursuits. Once let
+your name be mentioned to him as a great buyer and collector of
+books, and you reckon that your fortune is made. Vile creature! and
+is the Emperor drugged with mandragora that he should hear of this
+and never know the rest, your daylight iniquities, your tipplings,
+your monstrous nightly debauches? Know you not that an Emperor has
+many eyes and many ears? Yet _your_ deeds are such as cannot
+be concealed from the blind or the deaf. I may tell you at once, as
+you seem not to know it, that a man's hopes of the Imperial favour
+depend not on his book-bills, but on his character and daily life.
+Are you counting upon Atticus and Callinus, the copyists, to put in
+a good word for you? Then you are deceived: those relentless
+gentlemen propose, with the Gods' good leave, to grind you down and
+reduce you to utter destitution. Come to your senses while there is
+yet time: sell your library to some scholar, and whilst you are
+about it sell your new house too, and wipe off part of your debt to
+the slave-dealers.
+
+You see, you will ride both these hobbies at once; there is the
+trouble: besides your expensive books you must have your
+superannuated minions; you are insatiable in these pursuits, and
+you cannot follow both without money. Now observe how precious a
+thing is counsel. I recommend you to dispense with the superfluous,
+and confine your attention to your other foible; in other words,
+keep your money for the slave-dealers, or your private supplies
+will run short, and you will be reduced to calling in the services
+of freemen, who will want every penny you possess; otherwise there
+is nothing to prevent them from telling how your time is spent when
+you are in liquor. Only the other day I heard some very ugly
+stories about you--backed, too, by ocular evidence: the bystanders
+on that occasion are my witnesses how angry I was on your account;
+I was in two minds about giving the fellow a thrashing; and the
+annoying part of it was that he appealed to more than one witness
+who had had the same experience and told just the same tale. Let
+this be a warning to you to economize, so that you may be able to
+have your enjoyments at home in all security. I do not suggest that
+you should give up these practices: that is quite hopeless; the dog
+that has gnawed leather once will gnaw leather always.
+
+On the other hand, you can easily do without books. Your education
+is complete; you have nothing more to learn; you have the ancients
+as it were on the tip of your tongue; all history is known to you;
+you are a master of the choice and management of words, you have
+got the true Attic vocabulary; the multitude of your books has made
+a ripe scholar of you. (You love flattery, and there is no reason
+why I should not indulge you as well as another.)
+
+But I am rather curious on one point: what are your favourite books
+among so many? Plato? Antisthenes? Archilochus? Hipponax? Or are
+they passed over in favour of the orators? Do you ever read the
+speech of Aeschines against Timarchus? All that sort of thing I
+suppose you have by heart. And have you grappled with Aristophanes
+and Eupolis? Did you ever go through the _Baptae_ [Footnote:
+See Cotytto in Notes.]? Well then, you must surely have come on
+some embarrassing home-truths in that play? It is difficult to
+imagine that mind of yours bent upon literary studies, and those
+hands turning over the pages. When do you do your reading? In the
+daytime, or at night? If the former, you must do it when no one is
+looking: and if the latter, is it done in the midst of more
+engrossing pursuits, or do you work it in before your rhetorical
+outpourings? As you reverence Cotytto, venture not again into the
+paths of literature; have done with books, and keep to your own
+peculiar business. If you had any sense of shame, to be sure, you
+would abandon that too: think of Phaedra's indignant protest
+against her sex:
+
+  Darkness is their accomplice, yet they fear not,
+  Fear not the chamber-walls, their confidants.
+
+But no: you are determined not to be cured. Very well: buy book
+upon book, shut them safely up, and reap the glory that comes of
+possession: only, let that be enough; presume not to touch nor
+read; pollute not with that tongue the poetry and eloquence of the
+ancients; what harm have they ever done to you?
+
+All this advice is thrown away, I know that. Shall an Ethiopian
+change his skin? You will go on buying books that you cannot use--
+to the amusement of educated men, who derive profit not from the
+price of a book, nor from its handsome appearance, but from the
+sense and sound of its contents. You think by the multitude of
+books to supply the deficiencies of your education, and to throw
+dust in our eyes. Did you but know it, you are exactly like the
+quack doctors, who provide themselves with silver cupping-glasses,
+gold-handled lancets, and ivory cases for their instruments; they
+are quite incapable of using them when the time comes, and have to
+give place to some properly qualified surgeon, who produces a
+lancet with a keen edge and a rusty handle, and affords immediate
+relief to the sufferer. Or here is a better parallel: take the case
+of the barbers: you will find that the skilled practitioners have
+just the razor, scissors, and mirror that their work requires: the
+impostors' razors are numerous, and their mirrors magnificent.
+However, that does not serve to conceal their incompetence, and the
+result is most amusing: the average man gets his hair cut by one of
+their more capable neighbours, and then goes and arranges it before
+_their_ glasses. That is just what your books are good for--to
+lend to other people; you are quite incapable of using them
+yourself. Not that you ever have lent any one a single volume; true
+to your dog-in-the-manger principles, you neither eat the corn
+yourself, nor give the horse a chance.
+
+There you have my candid opinion about your books: I shall find
+other opportunities of dealing with your disreputable conduct in
+general.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Works, V3, by Lucian of Samosata
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WORKS, V3 ***
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