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diff --git a/6828.txt b/6828.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..038cd70 --- /dev/null +++ b/6828.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9809 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Miscellanies Volume 2, by Henry Fielding +#9 in our series by Henry Fielding + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Miscellanies, Volume 2 (from Works, Volume 12) + +Author: Henry Fielding + +Release Date: November, 2004 [EBook #6828] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on January 28, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MISCELLANIES, VOLUME 2 *** + + + + +Produced by Anurag Garg, Charles Franks +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + +THE WORKS OF HENRY FIELDING + +EDITED BY + +GEORGE SAINTSBURY + +IN TWELVE VOLUMES + +VOL. XII. + + * * * * * + +MISCELLANIES + +VOL. II. + +THE LIFE AND DEATH OF TOM +THUMB THE GREAT AND SOME +MISCELLANEOUS WRITINGS +BY HENRY FIELDING ESQ. + +EDITED BY GEORGE +SAINTSBURY WITH +ILLUSTRATIONS BY +HERBERT RAILTON +& E. J. WHEELER. + + * * * * * + +CONTENTS OF VOL. II. + + +THE AUTHOR'S FARCE, ACTS I. AND II. + +THE TRAGEDY OF TRAGEDIES; OR, THE LIFE AND DEATH +OF TOM THUMB THE GREAT + +PASQUIN; A DRAMATIC SATIRE ON THE TIMES + +AN ESSAY ON CONVERSATION + +THE TRUE PATRIOT, NO. XIII. + +THE COVENT-GARDEN JOURNAL, NOS. X., XXXIII. + +FAMILIAR LETTER + + * * * * * + +LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. + +PORTRAIT OF FIELDING BY HOGARTH + +THE DEATH OF LORD GRIZZLE + +HE ACQUAINTED THE DAMSELS THAT HE AND +HIS COMPANIONS HAD CARRIED THE OPERA. + + * * * * * + +THE AUTHOR'S FARCE; + +[WITH A PUPPET-SHOW CALLED THE PLEASURES OF THE TOWN.] + +FIRST ACTED AT THE HAY-MARKET IN 1729, AND REVIVED +SOME YEARS AFTER AT DRURY-LANE, WHEN IT WAS +REVISED AND GREATLY ALTERED BY THE AUTHOR, AS +NOW PRINTED. + +----------------Quis iniquae +Tam patiens urbis, tam ferreus, ut teneat se? +--_JUV_. Sat. I. + +PROLOGUE, SPOKEN BY MR JONES + +Too long the Tragick Muse hath aw'd the stage, +And frighten'd wives and children with her rage, +Too long Drawcansir roars, Parthenope weeps, +While ev'ry lady cries, and critick sleeps +With ghosts, rapes, murders, tender hearts they wound, +Or else, like thunder, terrify with sound +When the skill'd actress to her weeping eyes, +With artful sigh, the handkerchief applies, +How griev'd each sympathizing nymph appears! +And box and gallery both melt in tears +Or when, in armour of Corinthian brass, +Heroick actor stares you in the face, +And cries aloud, with emphasis that's fit, on +Liberty, freedom, liberty and Briton! +While frowning, gaping for applause he stands, +What generous Briton can refuse his hands? +Like the tame animals design'd for show, +You have your cues to clap, as they to bow, +Taught to commend, your judgments have no share, +By chance you guess aright, by chance you err. + +But, handkerchiefs and Britain laid aside, +To-night we mean to laugh, and not to chide. + +In days of yore, when fools were held in fashion, +Tho' now, alas! all banish'd from the nation, +A merry jester had reform'd his lord, +Who would have scorn'd the sterner Stoick's word + +Bred in Democritus his laughing schools, +Our author flies sad Heraclitus rules, +No tears, no terror plead in his behalf, +The aim of Farce is but to make you laugh +Beneath the tragick or the comick name, +Farces and puppet shows ne'er miss of fame +Since then, in borrow'd dress, they've pleas'd the town, +Condemn them not, appearing in their own + +Smiles we expect from the good-natur'd few, +As ye are done by, ye malicious, do, +And kindly laugh at him who laughs at you. + + +PERSONS IN THE FARCE. + +MEN. + +_Luckless_, the Author and Master of the Show, ... Mr MULLART. +_Witmore_, his friend ... Mr LACY. + +_Marplay, sen._, Comedian ... Mr REYNOLDS, +_Marplay, jun._, Comedian ... Mr STOPLER. +_Bookweight_, a Bookseller ... Mr JONES. +_Scarecrow_, Scribbler ... Mr MARSHAL, +_Dash_, " " ... Mr HALLAM, +_Quibble_, " " ... Mr DOVE, +_Blotpage_, " " ... Mr WELLS, jun. +_Index_ ... --------. + +_Jack_, servant to Luckless ... Mr ACHURCH. +_Jack-Pudding_ ... Mr REYNOLDS. +_Bantomite_ ... Mr MARSHAL. + +WOMEN. + +_Mrs Moneywood_, the Author's Landlady ... Mrs MULLART. +_Harriot_, her daughter. ... Miss PALMS. + + + + +ACT I. + +SCENE I.--LUCKLESS's _Room in_ Mrs MONEYWOOD'S +_House_.--Mrs MONEYWOOD, HARRIOT, LUCKLESS. + + +_Moneywood_. Never tell me, Mr Luckless, of your play, and your +play. I tell you I must be paid. I would no more depend on a +benefit-night of an unacted play than I would on a benefit-ticket in +an undrawn lottery. Could I have guessed that I had a poet in my +house! Could I have looked for a poet under laced clothes! + +_Luck_. Why not? since you may often find poverty under them: +nay, they are commonly the signs of it. And, therefore, why may not a +poet be seen in them as well as a courtier? + +_Money_. Do you make a jest of my misfortune, sir? + +_Luck_. Rather my misfortune. I am sure I have a better title to +poverty than you; for, notwithstanding the handsome figure I make, +unless you are so good to invite me, I am afraid I shall scarce +prevail on my stomach to dine to-day. + +_Money_. Oh, never fear that--you will never want a dinner till +you have dined at all the eating-houses round.--No one shuts their +doors against you the first time; and I think you are so kind, seldom +to trouble them a second. + +_Luck_. No.--And if you will give me leave to walk out of your +doors, the devil take me if ever I come into 'em again, + +_Money_. Pay me, sir, what you owe me, and walk away whenever you +please. + +_Luck_. With all my heart, madam; get me a pen and ink, and I'll +give you my note for it immediately. + +_Money_. Your note! who will discount it? Not your bookseller; for +he has as many of your notes as he has of your works; both good +lasting ware, and which are never likely to go out of his shop and his +scrutore. + +_Har_. Nay, but, madam, 'tis barbarous to insult him in this +manner. + +_Money_. No doubt you'll take his part. Pray get you about your +business. I suppose he intends to pay me by ruining you. Get you in +this instant: and remember, if ever I see you with him again I'll turn +you out of doors. + + + + +SCENE II--LUCKLESS, Mrs MONEYWOOD + + +_Luck_. Discharge all your ill-nature on me, madam, but spare +poor Miss Harriot. + +_Money_. Oh! then it is plain. I have suspected your familiarity +a long while. You are a base man. Is it not enough to stay three +months in my house without paying me a farthing, but you must ruin my +child? + +_Luck_. I love her as my soul. Had I the world I'd give it her +all. + +_Money_. But, as you happen to have nothing in the world, I +desire you would have nothing to say to her. I suppose you would have +settled all your castles in the air. Oh! I wish you had lived in one +of them, instead of my house. Well, I am resolved, when you have gone +away (which I heartily hope will be very soon) I'll hang over my door +in great red letters, "No lodgings for poets." Sure never was such a +guest as you have been. My floor is all spoiled with ink, my windows +with verses, and my door has been almost beat down with duns. + +_Luck_. Would your house had been beaten down, and everything but +my dear Harriot crushed under it! + +_Money_. Sir, sir---- + +_Luck_. Madam, madam! I will attack you at your own weapons; I +will pay you in your own coin. + +_Money_. I wish you'd pay me in any coin, sir. + +_Luck_. Look ye, madam, I'll do as much as a reasonable woman can +require; I'll shew you all I have; and give you all I have too, if you +please to accept it. [_Turns his pockets Inside out_. + +_Money_. I will not be used in this manner. No, sir, I will be +paid, if there be any such thing as law. + +_Luck_. By what law you will put money into my pocket I know not; +for I never heard of any one who got money by the law but the +lawyers. I have told you already, and I tell you again, that the first +money I get shall be yours; and I have great expectations from my +play. In the mean time your staying here can be of no service, and you +may possibly drive some line thoughts out of my head. I would write a +love scene, and your daughter would be more proper company, on that +occasion, than you. + +_Money_. You would act a love-scene, I believe; but I shall +prevent you; for I intend to dispose of myself before my daughter. + +_Luck_. Dispose of yourself! + +_Money_. Yes, sir, dispose of myself. 'Tis very well known that I +have had very good offers since my last dear husband died. I might +have had an attorney of New Inn, or Mr Fillpot, the exciseman; yes, I +had my choice of two parsons, or a doctor of physick; and yet I +slighted them all; yes, I slighted them for--for--for you. + +_Luck_. For me? + +_Money_. Yes, you have seen too visible marks of my passion; too +visible for my reputation. [_Sobbing_. + +_Luck_. I have heard very loud tokens of your passion; but I +rather took it for the passion of anger than of love. + +_Money_. Oh! it was love, indeed. Nothing but love, upon my +soul! + +_Luck_. The devil! This way of dunning is worse than the other. + +_Money_. If thou can'st not pay me in money, let me have it in +love. If I break through the modesty of my sex let my passion excuse +it. I know the world will call it an impudent action; but if you will +let me reserve all I have to myself, I will make myself yours for +ever. + +_Luck_. Toll, loll, loll! + +_Money_. And is this the manner you receive my declaration, you +poor beggarly fellow? You shall repent this; remember, you shall +repent it; remember that. I'll shew you the revenge of an injured +woman. + +_Luck_. I shall never repent anything that rids me of you, I am +sure. + + + + +SCENE III.--LUCKLESS, HARRIOT. + + +_Luck_. Dear Harriot! + +_Har_. I have waited an opportunity to return to you. + +_Luck_. Oh! my dear, I am so sick! + +_Har_. What's the matter? + +_Luck_. Oh! your mother! your mother! + +_Har_. What, has she been scolding ever since? + +_Luck_. Worse, worse! + +_Har_. Heaven forbid she should threaten to go to law with you. + +_Luck_. Oh, worse! worse! she threatens to go to church with +me. She has made me a generous offer, that if I will but marry her she +will suffer me to settle all she has upon her. + +_Har_. Generous creature! Sure you will not resist the proposal? + +_Luck_. Hum! what would you advise me to? + +_Har_. Oh, take her, take her, by all means; you will be the +prettiest, finest, loveliest, sweetest couple. Augh! what a delicate +dish of matrimony you will make! Her age with your youth, her avarice +with your extravagance, and her scolding with your poetry. + +_Luck_. Nay, but I am serious, and I desire you would be so. You +know my unhappy circumstances, and your mother's wealth. It would be +at least a prudent match. + +_Har_. Oh! extremely prudent, ha, ha, ha! the world will say, +Lard! who could have thought Mr Luckless had had so much prudence? +This one action will overbalance all the follies of your life. + +_Luck_. Faith, I think it will: but, dear Harriot, how can I +think of losing you for ever? And yet, as our affairs stand, I see no +possibility of our being happy together. It will be some pleasure, +too, that I may have it in my power to serve you. Believe me, it is +with the utmost reluctance I think of parting with you. For if it was +in my power to have you---- + +_Har_. Oh, I am very much obliged to you; I believe you--Yes, you +need not swear, I believe you. + +_Luck_. And can you as easily consult prudence, and part with me? +for I would not buy my own happiness at the price of yours. + +_Har_. I thank you, sir--Part with you--intolerable vanity! + +_Luck_. Then I am resolved; and so, my good landlady, +have at you. + +_Har_. Stay, sir, let me acquaint you with one thing--you are a +villain! and don't think I'm vexed at anything, but that I should have +been such a fool as ever to have had a good opinion of you. + [_Crying_. + +_Luck_. Ha, ha, ha! Caught, by Jupiter! And did my dear Harriot +think me in earnest? + +_Har_. And was you not in earnest? + +_Luck_. What, to part with thee? A pretty woman will be sooner in +earnest to part with her beauty, or a great man with his power. + +_Har_. I wish I were assured of the sincerity of your love. + +AIR. _Butter'd Pease_. + +_Luck_. Does my dearest Harriot ask + What for love I would pursue? + Would you, charmer, know what task + I would undertake for you? + + Ask the bold ambitious, what + He for honours would atchieve? + Or the gay voluptuous, that + Which he'd not for pleasure give? + + Ask the miser what he'd do + To amass excessive gain? + Or the saint, what he'd pursue, + His wish'd heav'n to obtain? + + These I would attempt, and more-- + For, oh! my Harriot is to me + All ambition, pleasure, store, + Or what heav'n itself can be! + + _Har_. Would my dearest Luckless know + What his constant Harriot can + Her tender love and faith to show + For her dear, her only man? + + Ask the vain coquette what she + For men's adoration would; + Or from censure to be free, + Ask the vile censorious prude. + + In a coach and six to ride, + What the mercenary jade, + Or the widow to be bride + To a brisk broad-shoulder'd blade. + + All these I would attempt for thee, + Could I but thy passion fix; + Thy will my sole commander be, + And thy arms my coach and six. + + +_Money_. [_within_]. Harriot, Harriot. + +_Har_. Hear the dreadful summons! adieu. I will take the first +opportunity of seeing you again. + +_Luck_. Adieu, my pretty charmer; go thy ways for the first of +thy sex. + + + + +SCENE IV.--LUCKLESS, JACK. + + +_Luck_. So! what news bring you? + +_Jack_. An't please your honour I have been at my lord's, and his +lordship thanks you for the favour you have offered of reading your +play to him; but he has such a prodigious deal of business, he begs to +be excused. I have been with Mr Keyber too--he made me no answer at +all. Mr Bookweight will be here immediately. + +_Luck_. Jack. + +_Jack_. Sir. + +_Luck_. Fetch my other hat hither;--carry it to the pawnbroker's. + +_Jack_. To your honour's own pawnbroker! + +_Luck_. Ay--and in thy way home call at the cook's shop. So, one +way or other, I find my head must always provide for my belly. + + + + +SCENE V.--LUCKLESS, WITMORE. + + +_Luck_. I am surprized! dear Witmore! + +_Wit_. Dear Harry! + +_Luck_. This is kind, indeed; but I do not more wonder at finding +a man in this age who can be a friend to adversity, than that Fortune +should be so much my friend as to direct you to me; for she is a lady +I have not been much indebted to lately. + +_Wit_. She who told me, I assure you, is one you have been +indebted to a long while. + +_Luck_. Whom do you mean? + +_Wit_. One who complains of your unkindness in not visiting +her--Mrs Lovewood. + +_Luck_. Dost thou visit there still, then? + +_Wit_. I throw an idle hour away there sometimes. When I am in +an ill-humour I am sure of feeding it there with all the scandal in +town, for no bawd is half so diligent in looking after girls with an +uncracked maidenhead as she in searching out women with cracked +reputations. + +_Luck_. The much more infamous office of the two. + +_Wit_. Thou art still a favourer of the women, I find. + +_Luck_. Ay, the women and the muses--the high roads to beggary. + +_Wit_. What, art thou not cured of scribling yet? + +_Luck_. No, scribling is as impossible to cure as the gout. + +_Wit_. And as sure a sign of poverty as the gout of +riches. 'Sdeath! in an age of learning and true politeness, where a +man might succeed by his merit, there would be some encouragement. But +now, when party and prejudice carry all before them; when learning is +decried, wit not understood; when the theatres are puppet-shows, and +the comedians ballad-singers; when fools lead the town, would a man +think to thrive by his wit? If you must write, write nonsense, write +operas, write Hurlothrumbos, set up an oratory and preach nonsense, +and you may meet with encouragement enough. Be profane, be scurrilous, +be immodest: if you would receive applause, deserve to receive +sentence at the Old Bailey; and if you would ride in a coach, deserve +to ride in a cart. + +_Luck_. You are warm, my friend. + +_Wit_. It is because I am your friend. I cannot bear to hear the +man I love ridiculed by fools--by idiots. To hear a fellow who, had he +been born a Chinese, had starved for want of genius to have been even +the lowest mechanick, toss up his empty noddle with an affected +disdain of what he has not understood; and women abusing what they +have neither seen nor heard, from an unreasonable prejudice to an +honest fellow whom they have not known. If thou wilt write against all +these reasons get a patron, be pimp to some worthless man of quality, +write panegyricks on him, flatter him with as many virtues as he has +vices. Then, perhaps, you will engage his lordship, his lordship +engages the town on your side, and then write till your arms ake, +sense or nonsense, it will all go down. + +_Luck_. Thou art too satirical on mankind. It is possible to +thrive in the world by justifiable means. + +_Wit_. Ay, justifiable, and so they are justifiable by +custom. What does the soldier or physician thrive by but +slaughter?--the lawyer but by quarrels?--the courtier but by +taxes?--the poet but by flattery? I know none that thrive by profiting +mankind, but the husbandman and the merchant: the one gives you the +fruit of your own soil, the other brings you those from abroad; and +yet these are represented as mean and mechanical, and the others as +honourable and glorious. + +_Luck_. Well; but prithee leave railing, and tell me what you +would advise me to do. + +_Wit_. Do! why thou art a vigorous young fellow, and there are +rich widows in town. + +_Luck_. But I am already engaged. + +_Wit_. Why don't you marry then--for I suppose you are not mad +enough to have any engagement with a poor mistress? + +_Luck_. Even so, faith; and so heartily that I would not change +her for the widow of a Croesus. + +_Wit_. Now thou art undone, indeed. Matrimony clenches ruin +beyond retrieval. What unfortunate stars wert thou born under? Was it +not enough to follow those nine ragged jades the muses, but you must +fasten on some earth-born mistress as poor as them? + +_Mar. jun_. [_within_]. Order my chairman to call on me at +St James's.--No, let them stay. + +_Wit_. Heyday, whom the devil have we here? + +_Luck_. The young captain, sir; no less a person, I assure you. + + + + +SCENE VI.--LUCKLESS, WITMORE, MARPLAY, jun. + + +_Mar. jun_. Mr Luckless, I kiss your hands--Sir, I am your most +obedient humble servant; you see, Mr Luckless, what power you have +over me. I attend your commands, though several persons of quality +have staid at court for me above this hour. + +_Luck_. I am obliged to you--I have a tragedy for your house, Mr +Marplay. + +_Mar. jun_. Ha! if you will send it to me, I will give you my +opinion of it; and if I can make any alterations in it that will be +for its advantage, I will do it freely. + +_Wit_. Alterations, sir? + +_Mar. jun_. Yes, sir, alterations--I will maintain it. Let a +play be never so good, without alteration it will do nothing. + +_Wit_. Very odd indeed! + +_Mar. jun_. Did you ever write, sir? + +_Wit_. No, sir, I thank Heaven. + +_Mar. jun_. Oh! your humble servant--your very humble servant, +sir. When you write yourself, you will find the necessity of +alterations. Why, sir, would you guess that I had altered Shakspeare? + +_Wit_. Yes, faith, sir, no one sooner. + +_Mar. jun_. Alack-a-day! Was you to see the plays when they are +brought to us--a parcel of crude undigested stuff. We are the persons, +sir, who lick them into form--that mould them into shape. The poet +make the play indeed! the colourman might be as well said to make the +picture, or the weaver the coat. My father and I, sir, are a couple of +poetical tailors. When a play is brought us, we consider it as a +tailor does his coat: we cut it, sir--we cut it; and let me tell you +we have the exact measure of the town; we know how to fit their +taste. The poets, between you and me, are a pack of ignorant---- + +_Wit_. Hold, hold, sir. This is not quite so civil to Mr +Luckless; besides, as I take it, you have done the town the honour of +writing yourself. + +_Mar. jun_. Sir, you are a man of sense, and express yourself +well. I did, as you say, once make a small sally into Parnassus--took +a sort of flying leap over Helicon; but if ever they catch me there +again--sir, the town have a prejudice to my family; for, if any play +could have made them ashamed to damn it, mine must. It was all over +plot. It would have made half a dozen novels: nor was it crammed with +a pack of wit-traps, like Congreve and Wycherly, where every one knows +when the joke was coming. I defy the sharpest critick of them all to +have known when any jokes of mine were coming. The dialogue was plain, +easy, and natural, and not one single joke in it from the beginning to +the end: besides, sir, there was one scene of tender melancholy +conversation--enough to have melted a heart of stone; and yet they +damned it--and they damned themselves; for they shall have no more of +mine. + +_Wit_. Take pity on the town, sir. + +_Mar. jun_. I! No, sir, no. I'll write no more. No more; unless +I am forced to it. + +_Luck_. That's no easy thing, Marplay. + +_Mar. jun_. Yes, sir. Odes, odes, a man may be obliged to write +those, you know. + +_Luck_, and _Wit_. Ha, ha, ha! that's true indeed. + +_Luck_. But about my tragedy, Mr Marplay. + +_Mar. jun_. I believe my father is at the playhouse: if you +please, we will read it now; but I must call on a young lady +first--Hey, who's there? Is my footman there? Order my chair to the +door. Your servant, gentlemen.--_Caro vien_. [_Exit, singing_. + +_Wit_. This is the most finished gentleman I ever saw; and hath +not, I dare swear, his equal. + +_Luck_. If he has, here he comes. + + + + +SCENE VII.--LUCKLESS, WITMORE, BOOKWEIGHT. + + +_Luck_. Mr Bookweight, your very humble servant. + +_Book_. I was told, sir, that you had particular business with +me. + +_Luck_. Yes, Mr Bookweight; I have something to put into your +hands. I have a play for you, Mr Bookweight. + +_Book_. Is it accepted, sir? + +_Luck_. Not yet. + +_Book_. Oh, sir! when it is, it will be then time enough to talk +about it. A play, like a bill, is of no value till it is accepted; nor +indeed when it is, very often. Besides, sir, our playhouses are grown +so plenty, and our actors so scarce, that really plays are become very +bad commodities. But pray, sir, do you offer it to the players or the +patentees? + +_Luck_. Oh! to the players, certainly. + +_Book_. You are in the right of that. But a play which will do on +the stage will not always do for us; there are your acting plays and +your reading plays. + +_Wit_. I do not understand that distinction. + +_Book_. Why, sir, your acting play is entirely supported by the +merit of the actor; in which case, it signifies very little whether +there be any sense in it or no. Now, your reading play is of a +different stamp, and must have wit and meaning in it. These latter I +call your substantive, as being able to support themselves. The +former are your adjective, as what require the buffoonery and gestures +of an actor to be joined with them to shew their signification. + +_Wit_. Very learnedly defined, truly. + +_Luck_. Well, but, Mr Bookweight, will you advance fifty guineas +on my play? + +_Book_. Fifty guineas! Yes, sir. You shall have them with all my +heart, if you will give me security for them. Fifty guineas for a +play! Sir, I would not give fifty shillings. + +_Luck_. 'Sdeath, sir! do you beat me down at this rate? + +_Book_. No, nor fifty farthings. Fifty guineas! Indeed your name +is well worth that. + +_Luck_. Jack, take this worthy gentleman and kick him down +stairs. + +_Book_. Sir, I shall make you repent this. + +_Jack_. Come, sir, will you please to brush? + +_Book_. Help! murder! I'll have the law of you, sir. + +_Luck_. Ha, ha, ha! + + + + +SCENE VIII.--LUCKLESS, WITMORE, MRS MONEYWOOD. + + +_Money_. What noise is this? It is a very fine thing, truly, Mr +Luckless, that you will make these uproars in my house. + +_Luck_. If you dislike it, it is in your power to drown a much +greater. Do you but speak, madam, and I am sure no one will be heard +but yourself. + +_Money_. Very well, indeed! fine reflexions on my character! Sir, +sir, all the neighbours know that I have been as quiet a woman as ever +lived in the parish. I had no noises in my house till you came. We +were the family of love. But you have been a nusance to the whole +neighbourhood. While you had money, my doors were thundered at every +morning at four and five, by coachmen and chairmen; and since you have +had none, my house has been besieged all day by creditors and +bailiffs. Then there's the rascal your man; but I will pay the dog, I +will scour him. Sir, I am glad you are a witness of his abuses of me. + +_Wit_. I am indeed, madam, a witness how unjustly he has abused +you. [JACK _whispers_ LUCKLESS. + +_Luck_. Witmore, excuse me a moment. + + + + +SCENE IX.--Mrs MONEYWOOD, WITMORE. + + +_Money_. Yes, sir; and, sir, a man that has never shewn one the +colour of his money. + +_Wit_. Very hard, truly. How much may he be in your debt, pray? +Because he has ordered me to pay you. + +_Money_. Ay! sir, I wish he had. + +_Wit_. I am serious, I assure you. + +_Money_. I am very glad to hear it, sir. Here is the bill as we +settled it this very morning. I always thought, indeed, Mr Luckless +had a great deal of honesty in his principles: any man may be +unfortunate; but I knew when he had money I should have it; and what +signifies dunning a man when he hath it not? Now that is a way with +some people which I could never come in to. + +_Wit_. There, madam, is your money. You may give Mr Luckless the +receipt. + +_Money_. Sir, I give you both a great many thanks. I am sure it +is almost as charitable as if you gave it me; for I am to make up a +sum to-morrow morning. Well, if Mr Luckless was but a little soberer +I should like him for a lodger exceedingly: for I must say, I think +him a very pleasant good-humoured man. + + + + +SCENE X.--LUCKLESS, WITMORE, MONEYWOOD. + + +_Luck_. Those are words I never heard out of that mouth before. + +_Money_. Ha, ha, ha! you are pleased to be merry: ha, ha! + +_Luck_. Why, Witmore, thou hast the faculty opposite to that of a +witch, and canst lay a tempest. I should as soon have imagined one man +could have stopt a cannon-ball in its full force as her tongue. + +_Money_. Ha, ha, ha! he is the best company in the world, sir, +and so full of his similitudes! + +_Wit_. Luckless, good morrow; I shall see you soon again. + +_Luck_. Let it be soon, I beseech you; for thou hast brought a +calm into this house that was scarce ever in it before. + + + + +SCENE XI.--LUCKLESS, MRS MONEYWOOD, JACK. + + +_Money_. Well, Mr Luckless, you are a comical man, to give one +such a character to a stranger. + +_Luck_. The company is gone, madam; and now, like true man and +wife, we may fall to abusing one another as fast as we please. + +_Money_. Abuse me as you please, so you pay me, sir. + +_Luck_. 'Sdeath! madam, I will pay you. + +_Money_. Nay, sir, I do not ask it before it is due. I don't +question your payment at all: if you was to stay in my house this +quarter of a year, as I hope you will, I should not ask you for a +farthing. + +_Luck_. Toll, loll, loll.--But I shall have her begin with her +passion immediately; and I had rather be the object of her rage for a +year than of her love for half an hour. + +_Money_. But why did you choose to surprise me with my money? Why +did you not tell me you would pay me? + +_Luck_. Why, have I not told you? + +_Money_. Yes, you told me of a play, and stuff: but you never +told me you would order a gentleman to pay me. A sweet, pretty, +good-humoured gentleman he is, heaven bless him! Well, you have +comical ways with you: but you have honesty at the bottom, and I'm +sure the gentleman himself will own I gave you that character. + +_Luck_. Oh! I smell you now.--You see, madam, I am better than my +word to you: did he pay it you in gold or silver? + +_Money_. All pure gold. + +_Luck_. I have a vast deal of silver, which he brought me, +within; will you do me the favour of taking it in silver? that will be +of use to you in the shop too. + +_Money_. Anything to oblige you, sir. + +_Luck_. Jack, bring out the great bag, number one. Please to +tell the money, madam, on that table. + +_Money_. It's easily told: heaven knows there's not so much on't. + +_Jack_. Sir, the bag is so heavy, I cannot bring it in. + +_Luck_. Why, then, come and help to thrust a heavier bag out. + +_Money_. What do you mean? + +_Luck_. Only to pay you in my bed-chamber. + +_Money_. Villain, dog, I'll swear a robbery, and have you hanged: +rogues, villains! + +_Luck_. Be as noisy as you please--[_Shuts the door_.] Jack, +call a coach; and, d' ye hear? get up behind it and attend me. + + + + +ACT II. + +SCENE I.--_The Playhouse_.--LUCKLESS, MARPLAY, +senior, MARPLAY, junior. + + +_Luck_. [_Reads_.] + + "Then hence my sorrow, hence my ev'ry fear; + No matter where, so we are bless'd together. + With thee, the barren rocks, where not one step + Of human race lies printed in the snow, + Look lovely as the smiling infant spring." + + +_Mar. sen_. Augh! will you please to read that again, sir? + +_Luck_. "Then hence my sorrow, hence my ev'ry fear." + +_Mar. sen_. "Then hence my sorrow."--Horror is a much better +word.--And then in the second line--"No matter where, so we are +bless'd together."--Undoubtedly, it should be, "No matter where, so +somewhere we're together." Where is the question, somewhere is the +answer.--Read on, sir. + +_Luck_. "With thee,----" + +_Mar. sen_. No, no, I could alter those lines to a much better +idea. + + "With thee, the barren blocks, where not a bit + Of human face is painted on the bark, + Look green as Covent-garden in the spring." + + +_Luck_. Green as Covent-garden! + +_Mar. jun_. Yes, yes; Covent-garden market, where they sell +greens. + +_Luck_. Monstrous! + +_Mar. sen_. Pray, sir, read on. + +_Luck_. + + "LEANDRA: oh, my Harmonio, I could hear thee still; + The nightingale to thee sings out of tune, + While on thy faithful breast my head reclines, + The downy pillow's hard; while from thy lips + I drink delicious draughts of nectar down, + Falernian wines seem bitter to my taste." + +_Mar. jun_. Here's meat, drink, singing, and lodging, egad. + +_Luck_. He answers. + +_Mar. jun_. But, sir---- + +_Luck_. + + "Oh, let me pull thee, press thee to my heart, + Thou rising spring of everlasting sweets! + Take notice, Fortune, I forgive thee all! + Thou'st made Leandra mine. Thou flood of joy + Mix with my soul, and rush thro' ev'ry vein." + + +_Mar. sen_. Those two last lines again if you please. + +_Luck_. "Thou'st made," &c. + +_Mar. jun_. + + "----Thou flood of joy, + Mix with my soul and rush thro' ev'ry vein." + +Those are two excellent lines indeed: I never writ +better myself: but, Sar---- + +_Luck_. + + "Leandra's mine, go bid the tongue of fate + Pronounce another word of bliss like that; + Search thro' the eastern mines and golden shores, + Where lavish Nature pours forth all her stores; + For to my lot could all her treasures fall, + I would not change Leandra for them all." + + +There ends act the first, and such an act as, I believe, never was on +this stage yet. + +_Mar. jun_. Nor never will, I hope. + +_Mar. sen_. Pray, sir, let me look at one thing. "Falernian +wines seem bitter to my taste." + +Pray, sir, what sort of wines may your Falernian be? for I never heard +of them before; and I am sure, as I keep the best company, if there +had been such sorts of wines, I should have tasted them. Tokay I have +drank, and Lacrimas I have drank, but what your Falernian is, the +devil take me if I can tell. + +_Mar. jun_. I fancy, father, these wines grow at the top of +Parnassus. + +_Luck_. Do they so, Mr Pert? why then I fancy you have never +tasted them. + +_Mar. sen_. Suppose you should say the wines of Cape are bitter +to my taste. + +_Luck_. Sir, I cannot alter it. + +_Mar. sen_. Nor we cannot act it. It won't do, sir, and so you +need give yourself no farther trouble about it. + +_Luck_. What particular fault do you find? + +_Mar. jun_. Sar, there's nothing that touches me, nothing that is +coercive to my passions. + +_Luck_. Fare you well, sir: may another play be coercive to your +passions. + + + + +SCENE II.--MARPLAY, senior, MARPLAY, junior. + + +_Mar. sen_. Ha, ha, ha! + +_Mar. jun_. What do you think of the play? + +_Mar. sen_. It may be a very good one, for aught I know: but I am +resolved, since the town will not receive any of mine, they shall have +none from any other. I'll keep them to their old diet. + +_Mar. jun_. But suppose they won't feed on't? + +_Mar. sen_. Then it shall be crammed down their throats. + +_Mar. jun_. I wish, father, you would leave me that art for a +legacy, since I am afraid I am like to have no other from you. + +_Mar. sen_. 'Tis buff, child, 'tis buff--true Corinthian brass; +and, heaven be praised, tho' I have given thee no gold, I have given +thee enough of that, which is the better inheritance of the two. Gold +thou might'st have spent, but this is a lasting estate that will stick +by thee all thy life. + +_Mar. jun_. What shall be done with that farce which was damned +last night? + +_Mar. sen_. Give it them again to-morrow. I have told some +persons of quality that it is a good thing, and I am resolved not to +be in the wrong: let us see which will be weary first, the town of +damning, or we of being damned. + +_Mar. jun_. Rat the town, I say. + +_Mar. sen_. That's a good boy; and so say I: but, prithee, what +didst thou do with the comedy which I gave thee t'other day, that I +thought a good one? + +_Mar. jun_. Did as you ordered me; returned it to the author, and +told him it would not do. + +_Mar. sen_. You did well. If thou writest thyself, and that I +know thou art very well qualified to do, it is thy interest to keep +back all other authors of any merit, and be as forward to advance +those of none. + +_Mar. jun_. But I am a little afraid of writing; for my writings, +you know, have fared but ill hitherto. + +_Mar. sen_. That is because thou hast a little mistaken the +method of writing. The art of writing, boy, is the art of stealing old +plays, by changing the name of the play, and new ones, by changing the +name of the author. + +_Mar. jun_. If it was not for these cursed hisses and catcalls---- + +_Mar. sen_. Harmless musick, child, very harmless musick, and +what, when one is but well seasoned to it, has no effect at all: for +my part, I have been used to them. + +_Mar. jun_. Ay, and I have been used to them too, for that +matter. + +_Mar. sen_. And stood them bravely too. Idle young actors are +fond of applause, but, take my word for it, a clap is a mighty silly, +empty thing, and does no more good than a hiss; and, therefore, if any +man loves hissing, he may have his three shillings worth at me +whenever he pleases. [_Exeunt_. + + + + +SCENE III.--_A Room in_ BOOKWEIGHT'S _house_.--DASH, +BLOTPAGE, QUIBBLE, _writing at several tables_. + + +_Dash_. Pox on't, I'm as dull as an ox, tho' I have not a bit of +one within me. I have not dined these two days, and yet my head is as +heavy as any alderman's or lord's. I carry about me symbols of all the +elements; my head is as heavy as water, my pockets are as light as +air, my appetite is as hot as fire, and my coat is as dirty as earth. + +_Blot_. Lend me your Bysshe, Mr Dash, I want a rhime for wind. + +_Dash_. Why there's blind, and kind, and behind, and find, and +mind: it is of the easiest termination imaginable; I have had it four +times in a page. + +_Blot_. None of those words will do. + +_Dash_. Why then you may use any that end in ond, or and, or +end. I am never so exact: if the two last letters are alike, it will +do very well. Read the verse. + +_Blot_. "Inconstant as the seas or as the wind." + +_Dash_. What would you express in the next line? + +_Blot_. Nay, that I don't know, for the sense is out already. I +would say something about inconstancy. + +_Dash_. I can lend you a verse, and it will do very well too. + + "Inconstancy will never have an end." + +End rhimes very well with wind. + +_Blot_. It will do well enough for the middle of a poem. + +_Dash_. Ay, ay, anything will do well enough for the middle of a +poem. If you can but get twenty good lines to place at the beginning +for a taste, it will sell very well. + +_Quib_. So that, according to you, Mr Dash, a poet acts pretty +much on the same principles with an oister-woman. + +_Dash_. Pox take your simile, it has set my chaps a watering: but +come, let us leave off work for a while, and hear Mr Quibble's song. + +_Quib_. My pipes are pure and clear, and my stomach is as hollow +as any trumpet in Europe. + +_Dash_. Come, the song. + +SONG. + + AIR. _Ye Commons and Peers_. + + How unhappy's the fate + To live by one's pate, + +And be forced to write hackney for bread! + An author's a joke + To all manner of folk, +Wherever he pops up his head, his head, +Wherever he pops up his head. + + Tho' he mount on that hack, + Old Pegasus' back, +And of Helicon drink till he burst, + Yet a curse of those streams, + Poetical dreams, +They never can quench one's thirst, &c. + + Ah! how should he fly + On fancy so high, + When his limbs are in durance and hold? + Or how should he charm, + With genius so warm, + When his poor naked body's a cold, &c. + + + + +SCENE IV.--BOOKWEIGHT, DASH, QUIBBLE, BLOTPAGE. + + +_Book_. Fie upon it, gentlemen! what, not at your pens? Do you +consider, Mr Quibble, that it is a fortnight since your Letter to a +Friend in the Country was published? Is it not high time for an Answer +to come out? At this rate, before your Answer is printed, your Letter +will be forgot. I love to keep a controversy up warm. I have had +authors who have writ a pamphlet in the morning, answered it in the +afternoon, and answered that again at night. + +_Quib_. Sir, I will be as expeditious as possible: but it is +harder to write on this side the question, because it is the wrong +side. + +_Book_. Not a jot. So far on the contrary, that I have known some +authors choose it as the properest to shew their genius. But let me +see what you have produced; "With all deference to what that very +learned and most ingenious person, in his Letter to a Friend in the +Country, hath advanced." Very well, sir; for, besides that, it may +sell more of the Letter: all controversial writers should begin with +complimenting their adversaries, as prize-fighters kiss before they +engage. Let it be finished with all speed. Well, Mr Dash, have you +done that murder yet? + +_Dash_. Yes, sir, the murder is done; I am only about a few moral +reflexions to place before it. + +_Book_. Very well: then Jet me have the ghost finished by this +day se'nnight. + +_Dash_. What sort of a ghost would you have this, sir? the last +was a pale one. + +_Book_. Then let this be a bloody one. Mr Quibble, you may lay by +that life which you are about; for I hear the person is recovered, and +write me out proposals for delivering five sheets of Mr Bailey's +English Dictionary every week, till the whole be finished. If you do +not know the form, you may copy the proposals for printing Bayle's +Dictionary in the same manner. The same words will do for both. + +_Enter_ INDEX. + +So, Mr Index, what news with you? + +_Index_. I have brought my bill, sir. + +_Book_. What's here? For fitting the motto of Risum teneatis +Amici to a dozen pamphlets, at sixpence per each, six shillings; for +Omnia vincit Amor, et nos cedamus Amori, sixpence; for Difficile est +Satyram non scribere, sixpence. Hum! hum! hum!--sum total for +thirty-six Latin mottoes, eighteen shillings; ditto English, one +shilling and ninepence; ditto Greek, four--four shillings. These Greek +mottoes are excessively dear. + +_Ind_. If you have them cheaper at either of the universities, I +will give you mine for nothing. + +_Book_. You shall have your money immediately; and pray remember, +that I must have two Latin seditious mottoes and one Greek moral motto +for pamphlets by to-morrow morning. + +_Quib_. I want two Latin sentences, sir--one for page the fourth +in the praise of loyalty, and another for page the tenth in praise of +liberty and property. + +_Dash_. The ghost would become a motto very well if you would +bestow one on him. + +_Book_. Let me have them all. + +_Ind_. Sir, I shall provide them. Be pleased to look on that, +sir, and print me five hundred proposals and as many receipts. + +_Book_. "Proposals for printing by subscription a New Translation +of Cicero Of the Nature of the Gods, and his Tusculan Questions, by +Jeremy Index, Esq." I am sorry you have undertaken this, for it +prevents a design of mine. + +_Ind_. Indeed, sir, it does not; for you see all of the book that +I ever intend to publish. It is only a handsome way of asking one's +friends for a guinea. + +_Book_. Then you have not translated a word of it, perhaps. + +_Ind_. Not a single syllable. + +_Book_. Well, you shall have your proposals forthwith: but I +desire you would be a little more reasonable in your bills for the +future, or I shall deal with you no longer; for I have a certain +fellow of a college, who offers to furnish me with second-hand mottoes +out of the Spectator for twopence each. + +_Ind_. Sir, I only desire to live by my goods; and I hope you +will be pleased to allow some difference between a neat fresh piece, +piping hot out of the classicks, and old threadbare worn-out stuff +that has past through every pedant's mouth and been as common at the +universities as their whores. + + + + +SCENE V.--BOOKWEIGHT, DASH, QUIBBLE, BLOTPAGE, SCARECROW. + + +_Scare_. Sir, I have brought you a libel against the ministry. + +_Book_. Sir, I shall not take anything against them;--for I have +two in the press already. [_Aside_. + +_Scare_. Then, sir, I have an Apology in defence of them. + +_Book_. That I shall not meddle with neither; they don't sell so +well. + +_Scare_. I have a translation of Virgil's Aeneid, with notes on +it, if we can agree about the price. + +_Book_. Why, what price would you have? + +_Scare_. You shall read it first, otherwise how will you know the +value? + +_Book_. No, no, sir, I never deal that way--a poem is a poem, and +a pamphlet a pamphlet with me. Give me a good handsome large volume, +with a full promising title-page at the head of it, printed on a good +paper and letter, the whole well bound and gilt, and I'll warrant its +selling. You have the common error of authors, who think people buy +books to read. No, no, books are only bought to furnish libraries, as +pictures and glasses, and beds and chairs, are for other rooms. Look +ye, sir, I don't like your title-page: however, to oblige a young +beginner, I don't care if I do print it at my own expence. + +_Scare_. But pray, sir, at whose expence shall I eat? + +_Book_. At whose? Why, at mine, sir, at mine. I am as great a +friend to learning as the Dutch are to trade: no one can want bread +with me who will earn it; therefore, sir, if you please to take your +seat at my table, here will be everything necessary provided for you: +good milk porridge, very often twice a day, which is good wholesome +food and proper for students; a translator too is what I want at +present, my last being in Newgate for shop-lifting. The rogue had a +trick of translating out of the shops as well as the languages. + +_Scare_. But I am afraid I am not qualified for a translator, for +I understand no language but my own. + +_Book_. What, and translate Virgil? + +_Scare_. Alas! I translated him out of Dryden. + +_Book_. Lay by your hat, sir--lay by your hat, and take your seat +immediately. Not qualified!--thou art as well versed in thy trade as +if thou hadst laboured in my garret these ten years. Let me tell you, +friend, you will have more occasion for invention than learning +here. You will be obliged to translate books out of all languages, +especially French, that were never printed in any language whatsoever. + +_Scare_. Your trade abounds in mysteries. + +_Book_. The study of bookselling is as difficult as the law: and +there are as many tricks in the one as the other. Sometimes we give a +foreign name to our own labours, and sometimes we put our names to the +labours of others. Then, as the lawyers have John-a-Nokes and +Tom-a-Stiles, so we have Messieurs Moore near St Paul's and Smith +near the Royal Exchange. + + + + +SCENE VI.--_To them_, LUCKLESS. + + +_Luck_. Mr Bookweight, your servant. Who can form to himself an +idea more amiable than of a man at the head of so many patriots +working for the benefit of their country. + +_Book_. Truly, sir, I believe it is an idea more agreeable to you +than that of a gentleman in the Crown-office paying thirty or forty +guineas for abusing an honest tradesman. + +_Luck_. Pshaw! that was only jocosely done, and a man who lives +by wit must not be angry at a jest. + +_Book_. Look ye, sir, if you have a mind to compromise the +matter, and have brought me any money-- + +_Luck_. Hast thou been in thy trade so long, and talk of money to +a modern author? You might as well have talked Latin or Greek to +him. I have brought you paper, sir. + +_Book_. That is not bringing me money, I own. Have you brought me +an opera? + +_Luck_. You may call it an opera if you will, but I call it a +puppet-show. + +_Book_. A puppet-show! + +_Luck_. Ay, a puppet show; and is to be played this night at +Drury-lane playhouse. + +_Book_. A puppet-show in a playhouse! + +_Luck_. Ay, why, what have been all the playhouses a long while +but puppet-shows? + +_Book_. Why, I don't know but it may succeed; at least if we can +make out a tolerable good title-page: so, if you will walk in, if I +can make a bargain with you I will. Gentlemen, you may go to dinner. + + + + +SCENE VII.--_Enter_ JACK-PUDDING, Drummer, Mob. + +_Jack-P_. This is to give notice to all gentlemen, ladies, and +others, that at the Theatre Royal in Drury-lane, this evening, will be +performed the whole puppet-show called the Pleasures of the Town; in +which will be shewn the whole court of nonsense, with abundance of +singing, dancing, and several other entertainments: also the comical +and diverting humours of Some-body and No-body; Punch and his wife +Joan to be performed by figures, some of them six foot high. God save +the King. + +[_Drum beats_. + + + + +SCENE VIII.--WITMORE _with a paper, meeting_ LUCKLESS. + + +_Wit_. Oh! Luckless, I am overjoyed to meet you; here, take this +paper, and you will be discouraged from writing, I warrant you. + +_Luck_. What is it?--Oh! one of my play-bills. + +_Wit_. One of thy play-bills! + +_Luck_. Even so--I have taken the advice you gave me this +morning. + +_Wit_. Explain. + +_Luck_. Why, I had some time since given this performance of mine +to be rehearsed, and the actors were all perfect in their parts; but +we happened to differ about some particulars, and I had a design to +have given it over; 'till having my play refused by Marplay, I sent +for the managers of the other house in a passion, joined issue with +them, and this very evening it is to be acted. + +_Wit_. Well, I wish you success. + +_Luck_. Where are you going? + +_Wit_. Anywhere but to hear you damned, which I must, was I to go +to your puppet-show. + +_Luck_. Indulge me in this trial; and I assure thee, if it be +successless, it shall be the last. + +_Wit_. On that condition I will; but should the torrent run +against you, I shall be a fashionable friend and hiss with the rest. + +_Luck_. No, a man who could do so unfashionable and so generous a +thing as Mr Witmore did this morning---- + +_Wit_. Then I hope you will return it, by never mentioning it to +me more. I will now to the pit. + +_Luck_. And I behind the scenes. + + + + +SCENE IX.--LUCKLESS, HARRIOT. + + +_Luck_. Dear Harriot! + +_Har_. I was going to the playhouse to look after you--I am +frightened out of my wits--I have left my mother at home with the +strangest sort of man, who is inquiring after you: he has raised a mob +before the door by the oddity of his appearance; his dress is like +nothing I ever saw, and he talks of kings, and Bantam, and the +strangest stuff. + +_Luck_. What the devil can he be? + +_Har_. One of your old acquaintance, I suppose, in disguise--one +of his majesty's officers with his commission in his pocket, I warrant +him. + +_Luck_. Well, but have you your part perfect? + +_Har_. I had, unless this fellow hath frightened it out of my +head again; but I am afraid I shall play it wretchedly. + +_Luck_. Why so? + +_Har_. I shall never have assurance enough to go through with it, +especially if they should hiss me. + +_Luck_. Oh! your mask will keep you in countenance, and as for +hissing, you need not fear it. The audience are generally so +favourable to young beginners: but hist, here is your mother and she +has seen us. Adieu, my dear, make what haste you can to the playhouse. + +[_Exit_. + + + + +SCENE X.--HARRIOT, MONEYWOOD. + +_Har_. I wish I could avoid her, for I suppose we shall have an +alarum. + +_Money_. So, so, very fine: always together, always +caterwauling. How like a hangdog he stole off; and it's well for him +he did, for I should have rung such a peal in his ears.--There's a +friend of his at my house would be very glad of his company, and I +wish it was in my power to bring them together. + +_Har_. You would not surely be so barbarous. + +_Money_. Barbarous! ugh! You whining, puling fool! Hussey, you +have not a drop of my blood in you. What, you are in love, I suppose? + +_Har_. If I was, madam, it would be no crime, + +_Money_. Yes, madam, but it would, and a folly too. No woman of +sense was ever in love with anything but a man's pocket. What, I +suppose he has filled your head with a pack of romantick stuff of +streams and dreams, and charms and arms. I know this is the stuff they +all run on with, and so run into our debts, and run away with our +daughters. Come, confess; are not you two to live in a wilderness +together on love? Ah! thou fool! thou wilt find he will pay thee in +love just as he has paid me in money. If thou wert resolved to go +a-begging, why did you not follow the camp? There, indeed, you might +have carried a knapsack; but here you will have no knapsack to +carry. There, indeed, you might have had a chance of burying half a +score husbands in a campaign; whereas a poet is a long-lived animal; +you have but one chance of burying him, and that is, starving him. + +_Har_. Well, madam, and I would sooner starve with the man I love +than ride in a coach and six with him I hate: and, as for his passion, +you will not make me suspect that, for he hath given me such proofs +on't. + +_Money_. Proofs! I shall die. Has he given you proofs of love? + +_Har_. All that any modest woman can require. + +_Money_. If he has given you all a modest woman can require, I am +afraid he has given you more than a modest woman should take: because +he has been so good a lodger, I suppose I shall have some more of the +family to keep. It is probable I shall live to see half a dozen +grandsons of mine in Grub-street. + + + + +SCENE XI.--MONEYWOOD, HARRIOT, JACK. + + +_Jack_. Oh, madam! the man whom you took for a bailiff is +certainly some great man; he has a vast many jewels and other fine +things about him; he offered me twenty guineas to shew him my master, +and has given away so much money among the chairmen, that some folks +believe he intends to stand member of parliament for Westminster. + +_Money_. Nay, then, I am sure he is worth inquiring into. So, +d'ye hear, sirrah, make as much haste as you can before me, and desire +him to part with no more money till I come. + +_Har_. So, now my mother is in pursuit of money, I may securely +go in pursuit of my lover: and I am mistaken, good mamma, if e'en you +would not think that the better pursuit of the two. + + In generous love transporting raptures lie, + Which age, with all its treasures, cannot buy. + + + + + + +THE +TRAGEDY OF TRAGEDIES; +OR, THE +LIFE AND DEATH OF TOM THUMB +THE GREAT. + +WITH THE ANNOTATIONS OF H. SCRIBLERUS +SECUNDUS + +FIRST ACTED IN 1730, AND ALTERED IN 1731. + +H. SCRIBLERUS SECUNDUS, + + +HIS PREFACE. + +THE town hath seldom been more divided in its opinion than concerning +the merit of the following scenes. While some publickly affirmed that +no author could produce so fine a piece but Mr P----, others have with +as much vehemence insisted that no one could write anything so bad but +Mr F----. + +Nor can we wonder at this dissension about its merit, when the learned +would have not unanimously decided even the very nature of this +tragedy. For though most of the universities in Europe have honoured +it with the name of "Egregium et maximi pretii opus, tragoediis tam +antiquis quam novis longe anteponendum;" nay, Dr B---- hath +pronounced, "Citius Maevii Aeneadem quam Scribleri istrus tragoediam +hanc crediderium, cujus autorem Senecam ipsum tradidisse haud +dubitarim:" and the great professor Burman hath styled Tom Thumb +"Heroum omnium tragicorum facile principem:" nay, though it hath, +among other languages, been translated into Dutch, and celebrated with +great applause at Amsterdam (where burlesque never came) by the title +of Mynheer Vander Thumb, the burgomasters receiving it with that +reverent and silent attention which becometh an audience at a deep +tragedy. Notwithstanding all this, there have not been wanting some +who have represented these scenes in a ludicrous light; and Mr D---- +hath been heard to say, with some concern, that he wondered a tragical +and Christian nation would permit a representation on its theatre so +visibly designed to ridicule and extirpate everything that is great +and solemn among us. + +This learned critick and his followers were led into so great an error +by that surreptitious and piratical copy which stole last year into +the world; with what injustice and prejudice to our author will be +acknowledged, I hope, by every one who shall happily peruse this +genuine and original copy. Nor can I help remarking, to the great +praise of our author, that, however imperfect the former was, even +that faint resemblance of the true Tom Thumb contained sufficient +beauties to give it a run of upwards of forty nights to the politest +audiences. But, notwithstanding that applause which it received from +all the best judges, it was as severely censured by some few bad ones, +and, I believe rather maliciously than ignorantly, reported to have +been intended a burlesque on the loftiest parts of tragedy, and +designed to banish what we generally call fine things from the stage. + +Now, if I can set my country right in an affair of this importance, I +shall lightly esteem any labour which it may cost. And this I the +rather undertake, first, as it is indeed in some measure incumbent on +me to vindicate myself from that surreptitious copy before mentioned, +published by some ill-meaning people under my name; secondly, as +knowing myself more capable of doing justice to our author than any +other man, as I have given myself more pains to arrive at a thorough +understanding of this little piece, having for ten years together read +nothing else; in which time, I think, I may modestly presume, with the +help of my English dictionary, to comprehend all the meanings of every +word in it. + +But should any error of my pen awaken Clariss. Bentleium to enlighten +the world with his annotations on our author, I shall not think that +the least reward or happiness arising to me from these my endeavours. + +I shall waive at present what hath caused such feuds in the learned +world, whether this piece was originally written by Shakspeare, though +certainly that, were it true, must add a considerable share to its +merit, especially with such who are so generous as to buy and commend +what they never read, from an implicit faith in the author only: a +faith which our age abounds in as much as it can be called deficient +in any other. + +Let it suffice, that THE TRAGEDY OF TRAGEDIES; or, THE LIFE AND DEATH +OF TOM THUMB, was written in the reign of queen Elizabeth. Nor can the +objection made by Mr D----, that the tragedy must then have been +antecedent to the history, have any weight, when we consider that, +though the HISTORY OF TOM THUMB, printed by and for Edward M----r, at +the Looking-glass on London-bridge, be of a later date, still must we +suppose this history to have been transcribed from some other, unless +we suppose the writer thereof to be inspired: a gift very faintly +contended for by the writers of our age. As to this history's not +bearing the stamp of second, third, or fourth edition, I see but +little in that objection; editions being very uncertain lights to +judge of books by; and perhaps Mr M----r may have joined twenty +editions in one, as Mr C----l hath ere now divided one into twenty. + +Nor doth the other argument, drawn from the little care our author +hath taken to keep up to the letter of this history, carry any greater +force. Are there not instances of plays wherein the history is so +perverted, that we can know the heroes whom they celebrate by no other +marks than their names? nay, do we not find the same character placed +by different poets in such different lights, that we can discover not +the least sameness, or even likeness, in the features? The Sophonisba +of Mairet and of Lee is a tender, passionate, amorous mistress of +Massinissa: Corneille and Mr Thomson give her no other passion but the +love of her country, and make her as cool in her affection to +Massinissa as to Syphax. In the two latter she resembles the character +of queen Elizabeth; in the two former she is the picture of Mary queen +of Scotland. In short, the one Sophonisba is as different from the +other as the Brutus of Voltaire is from the Marius, jun., of Otway, or +as the Minerva is from the Venus of the ancients. + +Let us now proceed to a regular examination of the tragedy before us, +in which I shall treat separately of the Fable, the Moral, the +Characters, the Sentiments, and the Diction. And first of the + +Fable; which I take to be the most simple imaginable; and, to use the +words of an eminent author, "one, regular, and uniform, not charged +with a multiplicity of incidents, and yet affording several +revolutions of fortune, by which the passions may be excited, varied, +and driven to their full tumult of emotion."--Nor is the action of +this tragedy less great than uniform. The spring of all is the love +of Tom Thumb for Huncamunca; which caused the quarrel between their +majesties in the first act; the passion of Lord Grizzle in the second; +the rebellion, fall of Lord Grizzle and Glumdalca, devouring of Tom +Thumb by the cow, and that bloody catastrophe, in the third. + +Nor is the Moral of this excellent tragedy less noble than the Fable; +it teaches these two instructive lessons, viz., that human happiness +is exceeding transient; and that death is the certain end of all men: +the former whereof is inculcated by the fatal end of Tom Thumb; the +latter, by that of all the other personages. + +The Characters are, I think, sufficiently described in the dramatis +personae; and I believe we shall find few plays where greater care is +taken to maintain them throughout, and to preserve in every speech +that characteristical mark which distinguishes them from each +other. "But (says Mr D----) how well doth the character of Tom Thumb, +whom we must call the hero of this tragedy, if it hath any hero, agree +with the precepts of Aristotle, who defineth 'Tragedy to be the +imitation of a short but perfect action, containing a just greatness +in itself'? &c. What greatness can be in a fellow whom history +relateth to have been no higher than a span?" This gentleman seemeth +to think, with serjeant Kite, that the greatness of a man's soul is in +proportion to that of his body; the contrary of which is affirmed by +our English physiognomical writers. Besides, if I understand Aristotle +right, he speaketh only of the greatness of the action, and not of the +person. + +As for the Sentiments and the Diction, which now only remain to be +spoken to; I thought I could afford them no stronger justification +than by producing parallel passages out of the best of our English +writers. Whether this sameness of thought and expression, which I +have quoted from them, proceeded from an agreement in their way of +thinking, or whether they have borrowed from our author, I leave the +reader to determine. I shall adventure to affirm this of the +Sentiments of our author, that they are generally the most familiar +which I have ever met with, and at the same time delivered with the +highest dignity of phrase; which brings me to speak of his +diction. Here I shall only beg one postulatum, viz., That the greatest +perfection of the language of a tragedy is, that it is not to be +understood; which granted (as I think it must be), it will necessarily +follow that the only way to avoid this is by being too high or too low +for the understanding, which will comprehend everything within its +reach. Those two extremities of stile Mr Dryden illustrates by the +familiar image of two inns, which I shall term the aerial and the +subterrestrial. + +Horace goes farther, and sheweth when it is proper to call at one of +these inns, and when at the other: + + Telephus et Peleus, cum pauper et exul uterque, + Projicit ampullas et sesquipedalia verba. + +That he approveth of the sesquipedalia verba is plain; for, had not +Telephus and Peleus used this sort of diction in prosperity, they +could not have dropt it in adversity. The aerial inn, therefore (says +Horace), is proper only to be frequented by princes and other great +men in the highest affluence of fortune; the subterrestrial is +appointed for the entertainment of the poorer sort of people only, +whom Horace advises, + + --dolere sermone pedestri. + +The true meaning of both which citations is, that bombast is the +proper language for joy, and doggrel for grief; the latter of which is +literally implied in the sermo pedestris, as the former is in the +sesquipedalia verba. + +Cicero recommendeth the former of these: "Quid est tarn furiosum vel +tragicum quam verborum sonitus inanis, nulla subjecta sententia neque +scientia." What can be so proper for tragedy as a set of big sounding +words, so contrived together as to convey no meaning? which I shall +one day or other prove to be the sublime of Longinus. Ovid declareth +absolutely for the latter inn: + + Omne genus scripti gravitate tragoedia vincit. + +Tragedy hath, of all writings, the greatest share in the bathos; which +is the profound of Scriblerus. + +I shall not presume to determine which of these two stiles be properer +for tragedy. It sufficeth, that our author excelleth in both. He is +very rarely within sight through the whole play, either rising higher +than the eye of your understanding can soar, or sinking lower than it +careth to stoop. But here it may perhaps be observed that I have given +more frequent instances of authors who have imitated him in the +sublime than in the contrary. To which I answer, first, Bombast being +properly a redundancy of genius, instances of this nature occur in +poets whose names do more honour to our author than the writers in the +doggrel, which proceeds from a cool, calm, weighty way of +thinking. Instances whereof are most frequently to be found in authors +of a lower class. Secondly, That the works of such authors are +difficultly found at all. Thirdly, That it is a very hard task to read +them, in order to extract these flowers from them. And lastly, it is +very difficult to transplant them at all; they being like some flowers +of a very nice nature, which will flourish in no soil but their own: +for it is easy to transcribe a thought, but not the want of one. The +EARL OF ESSEX, for instance, is a little garden of choice rarities, +whence you can scarce transplant one line so as to preserve its +original beauty. This must account to the reader for his missing the +names of several of his acquaintance, which he had certainly found +here, had I ever read their works; for which, if I have not a just +esteem, I can at least say with Cicero, "Quae non contemno, quippe quae +nunquam legerim." However, that the reader may meet with due +satisfaction in this point, I have a young commentator from the +university, who is reading over all the modern tragedies, at five +shillings a dozen, and collecting all that they have stole from our +author, which shall be shortly added as an appendix to this work. + + +DRAMATIS PERSONAe. + +MEN. + +_King Arthur_, a passionate sort of king, | + husband to queen Dollallolla, of whom he | + stands a little in fear; father to Huncamunca,| Mr MULLART. + whom he is very fond of, and in love with | + Glumdalca. | + + +_Tom Thumb the Great_, a little hero | + with a great soul, something violent in his | YOUNG + temper, which is a little abated by his | VERHUYCK. + love for Huncamunca. | + + +_Ghost of Gaffer Thumb_, a whimsical sort | Mr LACY. + of ghost. | + + +_Lord Grizzle_, extremely zealous for the | + liberty of the subject, very cholerick in his | Mr JONES. + temper, and in love with Huncamunca. | + + +_Merlin_, a conjurer, and in some sort | Mr HALLAM. + father to Tom Thumb. | + + +_Noodle, Doodle,_ courtiers in place, and | Mr REYNOLDS, + consequently of that party that is uppermost | Mr WATHAN. + + +_Foodle_, a courtier that is out of place, | + and consequently of that party that is | Mr AYRES. + undermost | + + +_Bailiff, and Follower,_ of the party of | Mr PETERSON, + the plaintiff. | Mr HICKS. + + +_Parson_, of the side of the church. | Mr WATSON. + + +WOMEN. + +_Queen Dollallolla_, wife to king Arthur, | + and mother to Huncamunca, a woman intirely | Mrs MULLART. + faultless, saving that she is a little given | + to drink, a little too much a virago towards | + her husband, and in love with Tom Thumb. | + + +_The Princess Huncamunca_, daughter to | + their majesties king Arthur and queen | + Dollallolla, of a very sweet, gentle, and | Mrs JONES. + amorous disposition, equally in love with | + Lord Grizzle and Tom Thumb, and desirous to | + be married to them both. | + + +_Glumdalca_, of the giants, a captive | + queen, beloved by the king, but in love with | Mrs DOVE. + Tom Thumb. | + + +_Cleora, Mustacha,_ maids of honour in love with Noodle and + Doodle.--_Courtiers, Guards, Rebels, Drums, Trumpets, + Thunder and Lightning_. + + +SCENE, the court of king Arthur, and a plain thereabouts. + + + + +ACT I. + +SCENE I.--_The Palace_. DOODLE, NOODLE. + + +_Doodle_. Sure such a [1]day as this was never seen! +The sun himself, on this auspicious day, +Shines like a beau in a new birth-day suit: +This down the seams embroidered, that the beams. +All nature wears one universal grin. + +[Footnote 1: Corneille recommends some very remarkable day wherein to +fix the action of a tragedy. This the best of our tragical writers +have understood to mean a day remarkable for the serenity of the sky, +or what we generally call a fine summer's day; so that, according to +this their exposition, the same months are proper for tragedy which +are proper for pastoral. Most of our celebrated English tragedies, as +Cato, Mariamne, Tamerlane, &c., begin with their observations on the +morning. Lee seems to have come the nearest to this beautiful +description of our author's: + + The morning dawns with an unwonted crimson, + The flowers all odorous seem, the garden birds + Sing louder, and the laughing sun ascends + The gaudy earth with an unusual brightness; + All nature smiles.--_Caes. Borg_. + +Massinissa, in the New Sophonisba, is also a favourite of the sun: + + ------The sun too seems + As conscious of my joy, with broader eye + To look abroad the world, and all things smile + Like Sophonisba. + +Memnon, in the Persian Princess, makes the sun decline rising, that he +may not peep on objects which would profane his brightness: + + ----The morning rises slow, + And all those ruddy streaks that used to paint + The day's approach are lost in clouds, as if + The horrors of the night had sent 'em back, + To warn the sun he should not leave the sea, + To peep, &c. +] + +_Nood_. This day, O Mr Doodle, is a day +Indeed!--A day, [1] we never saw before. +The mighty [2] Thomas Thumb victorious comes; +Millions of giants crowd his chariot wheels, +[3] Giants! to whom the giants in Guildhall +Are infant dwarfs. They frown, and foam, and roar, +While Thumb, regardless of their noise, rides on. +So some cock-sparrow in a farmer's yard, +Hops at the head of an huge flock of turkeys. + + +[Footnote 1: This line is highly conformable to the beautiful +simplicity of the antients. It hath been copied by almost every +modern. + + Not to be is not to be in woe.--_State of Innocence_. + + Love is not sin but where 'tis sinful love.--_Don Sebastian_. + + Nature is nature, Laelius.--_Sophonisba_. + + Men are but men, we did not make ourselves.--_Revenge_. +] + +[Footnote 2: Dr B--y reads, The mighty Tall-mast Thumb. Mr D--s, The +mighty Thumbing Thumb. Mr T--d reads, Thundering. I think Thomas more +agreeable to the great simplicity so apparent in our author.] + + +[Footnote 3: That learned historian Mr S--n, in the third number of +his criticism on our author, takes great pains to explode this +passage. "It is," says he, "difficult to guess what giants are here +meant, unless the giant Despair in the Pilgrim's Progress, or the +giant Greatness in the Royal Villain; for I have heard of no other +sort of giants in the reign of king Arthur." Petrus Burmannus makes +three Tom Thumbs, one whereof he supposes to have been the same person +whom the Greeks called Hercules; and that by these giants are to be +understood the Centaurs slain by that hero. Another Tom Thumb he +contends to have been no other than the Hermes Trismegistus of the +antients. The third Tom Thumb he places under the reign of king +Arthur; to which third Tom Thumb, says he, the actions of the other +two were attributed. Now, though I know that this opinion is supported +by an assertion of Justus Lipsius, "Thomam illum Thumbum non alium +quam Herculem fuisse satis constat," yet shall I venture to oppose one +line of Mr Midwinter against them all: + + In Arthur's court Tom Thumb did live. + +"But then," says Dr B--y, "if we place Tom Thumb in the court of king +Arthur, it will be proper to place that court out of Britain, where no +giants were ever heard of." Spenser, in his Fairy Queen, is of another +opinion, where, describing Albion, he says, + + ------Far within a savage nation dwelt + Of hideous giants. + +And in the same canto: + + Then Elfar, with two brethren giants had, + The one of which had two heads------ + The other three. + +Risum teneatis, amici. +] + + +_Dood_. When Goody Thumb first brought this Thomas forth, +The Genius of our land triumphant reign'd; +Then, then, O Arthur! did thy Genius reign. + +_Nood_. They tell me it is [1]whisper'd in the books +Of all our sages, that this mighty hero, +By Merlin's art begot, hath not a bone +Within his skin, but is a lump of gristle. + +[Footnote 1: "To whisper in books," says Mr D--s, "is arrant nonsense." +I am afraid this learned man does not sufficiently understand the +extensive meaning of the word whisper. If he had rightly understood +what is meant by the "senses whisp'ring the soul," in the Persian +Princess, or what "whisp'ring like winds" is in Aurengzebe, or like +thunder in another author, he would have understood this. Emmeline in +Dryden sees a voice, but she was born blind, which is an excuse +Panthea cannot plead in Cyrus, who hears a sight: + + --------Your description will surpass + All fiction, painting, or dumb shew of horror, + That ever ears yet heard, or eyes beheld. + +When Mr D--s understands these, he will understand whispering in +books. +] + + +_Dood_. Then 'tis a gristle of no mortal kind; +Some God, my Noodle, stept into the place +Of Gaffer Thumb, and more than [1]half begot +This mighty Tom. + + +[Footnote 1: Some ruffian stept into his father's place, And more than +half begot him.--_Mary Queen of Scots_] + + +_Nood_.--[1] Sure he was sent express +From Heaven to be the pillar of our state. +Though small his body be, so very small +A chairman's leg is more than twice as large, +Yet is his soul like any mountain big; +And as a mountain once brought forth a mouse, +[2] So doth this mouse contain a mighty mountain. + + +[Footnote 1: For Ulamar seems sent express from Heaven, To civilize +this rugged Indian clime.--_Liberty Asserted_] + +[Footnote 2: "Omne majus continet in se minus, sed minus non in se +majus continere potest," says Scaliger in Thumbo. I suppose he would +have cavilled at these beautiful lines in the Earl of Essex: + + ----Thy most inveterate soul, + That looks through the foul prison of thy body. + +And at those of Dryden: + + The palace is without too well design'd; + Conduct me in, for I will view thy mind.--_Aurengzebe_. +] + +_Dood_. Mountain indeed! So terrible his name, +[1]The giant nurses frighten children with it, +And cry Tom Thumb is come, and if you are +Naughty, will surely take the child away. + + +[Footnote 1: Mr Banks hath copied this almost verbatim: + + It was enough to say, here's Essex come, + And nurses still'd their children with the fright. + --_Earl of Essex_. +] + + +_Nood_. But hark! [1]these trumpets speak the king's approach. + + +[Footnote 1: The trumpet in a tragedy is generally as much as to say, +Enter king, which makes Mr Banks, in one of his plays, call it the +trumpet's formal sound.] + + +_Dood_. He comes most luckily for my petition. + + [_Flourish_. + + + + +SCENE II.--KING, QUEEN, GRIZZLE, NOODLE, DOODLE, FOODLE. + +_King_. [1] Let nothing but a face of joy appear; +The man who frowns this day shall lose his head, +That he may have no face to frown withal. +Smile Dollallolla--Ha! what wrinkled sorrow +[2] Hangs, sits, lies, frowns upon thy knitted brow? +Whence flow those tears fast down thy blubber'd cheeks, +Like a swoln gutter, gushing through the streets? + +[Footnote 1: Phraortes, in the Captives, seems to have been acquainted +with King Arthur: + + Proclaim a festival for seven days' space, + Let the court shine in all its pomp and lustre, + Let all our streets resound with shouts of joy; + Let musick's care-dispelling voice be heard; + The sumptuous banquet and the flowing goblet + Shall warm the cheek and fill the heart with gladness. + Astarbe shall sit mistress of the feast. + +] + +[Footnote 2: + + Repentance frowns on thy contracted brow.--_Sophonisba_. + + Hung on his clouded brow, I mark'd despair.--_Ibid_. + + --A sullen gloom + Scowls on his brow.--_Busiris_. +] + + +_Queen_. [1]Excess of joy, my lord, I've heard folks say, +Gives tears as certain as excess of grief. + +[Footnote 1: Plato is of this opinion, and so is Mr Banks: + + Behold these tears sprung from fresh pain and joy. + --_Earl of Essex_. +] + +_King_. If it be so, let all men cry for joy, +[1]Till my whole court be drowned with their tears; +Nay, till they overflow my utmost land, +And leave me nothing but the sea to rule. + +[Footnote 1: These floods are very frequent in the tragick authors: + + Near to some murmuring brook I'll lay me down, + Whose waters, if they should too shallow flow, + My tears shall swell them up till I will drown. + --_Lee's Sophonisba_. + + Pouring forth tears at such a lavish rate, + That were the world on fire they might have drown'd + The wrath of heaven, and quench'd the mighty ruin. + --_Mithridates_. + +One author changes the waters of grief to those of joy: + + ----These tears, that sprung from tides of grief, + Are now augmented to a flood of joy.--_Cyrus the Great_. + +Another: + + Turns all the streams of heat, and makes them flow + In pity's channel.--_Royal Villain_. + +One drowns himself: + + ----Pity like a torrent pours me down, + Now I am drowning all within a deluge.--_Anna Sullen_. + +Cyrus drowns the whole world: + + Our swelling grief + Shall melt into a deluge, and the world + Shall drown in tears.--_Cyrus the Great_. +] + +_Dood_. My liege, I a petition have here got. + +_King_. Petition me no petitions, sir, to-day: +Let other hours be set apart for business. +To-day it is our pleasure to be [1]drunk. +And this our queen shall be as drunk as we. + +[Footnote 1: An expression vastly beneath the dignity of tragedy, says +Mr D--s, yet we find the word he cavils at in the mouth of +Mithridates less properly used, and applied to a more terrible +idea: + + I would be drunk with death.--_Mithridates_. + +The author of the New Sophonisba taketh hold of this monosyllable, and +uses it pretty much to the same purpose: + +The Carthaginian sword with Roman blood +Was drunk. + +I would ask Mr D--s which gives him the best idea, a drunken king, or +a drunken sword? + +Mr Tate dresses up King Arthur's resolution in heroick: + + Merry, my lord, o' th' captain's humour right, + I am resolved to be dead drunk to-night. + +Lee also uses this charming word: + +Love's the drunkenness of the mind.--_Gloriana_. +] + +_Queen_. (Though I already[1] half seas over am) +If the capacious goblet overflow +With arrack punch----'fore George! I'll see it out: +Of rum and brandy I'll not taste a drop. + +[Footnote 1: Dryden hath borrowed this, and applied it improperly: + +I'm half seas o'er in death.--_Cleomenes_ +] + +_King_. Though rack, in punch, eight shillings be a quart, +And rum and brandy be no more than six, +Rather than quarrel you shall have your will. + [_Trumpets_. +But, ha! the warrior comes--the great Tom Thumb, +The little hero, giant-killing boy, +Preserver of my kingdom, is arrived. + + + + +SCENE III.--TOM THUMB _to them, with_ Officers, Prisoners, +_and_ Attendants. + + +King. [1] Oh! welcome most, most welcome to my arms. +What gratitude can thank away the debt +Your valour lays upon me? + +[Footnote 1: This figure is in great use among the tragedians: + + 'Tis therefore, therefore 'tis.--_Victim_. + + I long, repent, repent, and long again.--_Busiris_. +] + +_Queen_.----------[1] Oh! ye gods! [_Aside_. + +[Footnote 1: A tragical exclamation.] + +_Thumb_. When I'm not thank'd at all, I'm thank'd enough. +[1] I've done my duty, and I've done no more, + +[Footnote 1: This line is copied verbatim in the Captives.] + +_Queen_. Was ever such a godlike creature seen? [_Aside_. + +_King_. Thy modesty's a [1]candle to thy merit, +It shines itself, and shews thy merit too. +But say, my boy, where didst thou leave the giants? + +[Footnote 1: We find a candlestick for this candle in two celebrated +authors: + + ------Each star withdraws + His golden head, and burns within the socket.--_Nero_. + + A soul grown old and sunk into the socket.--_Sebastian_. +] + +_Thumb_. My liege, without the castle gates they stand, +The castle gates too low for their admittance. + +_King_. What look they like? + +_Thumb_. Like nothing but themselves. + +_Queen_. [1]And sure thou art like nothing but +thyself. [_Aside_. + +[Footnote 1: This simile occurs very frequently among the dramatic +writers of both kinds.] + + +_King_. Enough! the vast idea fills my soul. +I see them--yes, I see them now before me: +The monstrous, ugly, barb'rous sons of whores. +But ha! what form majestick strikes our eyes? +[1]So perfect, that it seems to have been drawn +By all the gods in council: so fair she is, +That surely at her birth the council paused, +And then at length cry'd out, This is a woman! + +[Footnote 1: Mr Lee hath stolen this thought from our author: + + This perfect face, drawn by the gods in council, + Which they were long a making.--_Luc. Jun. Brut_. + + --At his birth the heavenly council paused, + And then at last cry'd out, This is a man! + +Dryden hath improved this hint to the utmost perfection: + + So perfect, that the very gods who form'd you wonder'd + At their own skill, and cry'd, A lucky hit + Has mended our design! Their envy hindered, + Or you had been immortal, and a pattern, + When Heaven would work for ostentation sake, + To copy out again.--_All for Love_. + +Banks prefers the works of Michael Angelo to that of the gods: + + A pattern for the gods to make a man by, + Or Michael Angelo to form a statue. +] + + +_Thumb_. Then were the gods mistaken--she is not +A woman, but a giantess----whom we, +[1] With much ado, have made a shift to hawl +Within the town:[2] for she is by a foot +Shorter than all her subject giants were. + +[Footnote 1: It is impossible, says Mr W----, sufficiently to admire +this natural easy line.] + +[Footnote 2: This tragedy, which in most points resembles the +ancients, differs from them in this--that it assigns the same honour +to lowness of stature which they did to height. The gods and heroes in +Homer and Virgil are continually described higher by the head than +their followers, the contrary of which is observed by our author. In +short, to exceed on either side is equally admirable; and a man of +three foot is as wonderful a sight as a man of nine.] + +_Glum_. We yesterday were both a queen and wife, +One hundred thousand giants own'd our sway, +Twenty whereof were married to ourself. + +_Queen_. Oh! happy state of giantism where husbands +Like mushrooms grow, whilst hapless we are forced +To be content, nay, happy thought, with one. + +_Glum_. But then to lose them all in one black day, +That the same sun which, rising, saw me wife +To twenty giants, setting should behold +Me widow'd of them all.----[1]My worn-out heart, +That ship, leaks fast, and the great heavy lading, +My soul, will quickly sink. + +[Footnote 1: + + My blood leaks fast, and the great heavy lading + My soul will quickly sink.--_Mithridates_. + + My soul is like a ship.--_Injured Love_. +] + +_Queen_. Madam, believe +I view your sorrows with a woman's eye: +But learn to bear them with what strength you may, +To-morrow we will have our grenadiers +Drawn out before you, and you then shall choose +What husbands you think fit. + +_Glum_. [1]Madam, I am +Your most obedient and most humble servant. + +[Footnote 1: This well-bred line seems to be copied in the Persian +Princess:-- + + To be your humblest and most faithful slave. +] + +_King_. Think, mighty princess, think this court your own, +Nor think the landlord me, this house my inn; +Call for whate'er you will, you'll nothing pay. +[1]I feel a sudden pain within my breast, +Nor know I whether it arise from love +Or only the wind-cholick. Time must shew. +O Thumb! what do we to thy valour owe! +Ask some reward, great as we can bestow. + +[Footnote 1: This doubt of the king puts me in mind of a passage in the +Captives, where the noise of feet is mistaken for the rustling of +leaves. + + ------Methinks I hear + The sound of feet: + No; 'twas the wind that shook yon cypress boughs. +] + +_Thumb_. [1] I ask not kingdoms, I can conquer those; +I ask not money, money I've enough; +For what I've done, and what I mean to do, +For giants slain, and giants yet unborn, +Which I will slay---if this be called a debt, +Take my receipt in full: I ask but this,-- +[2] To sun myself in Huncamunca's eyes. + +[Footnote 1: Mr Dryden seems to have had this passage in his eye in the +first page of Love Triumphant.] + +[Footnote 2: Don Carlos, in the Revenge, suns himself in the charms of +his mistress: + + While in the lustre of her charms I lay. +] + +_King_. Prodigious bold request. [_Aside_. + +_Queen_. --------[1] Be still, my soul. [_Aside_. + +[Footnote 1: A tragical phrase much in use.] + +_Thumb_. [1]My heart is at the threshold of your mouth, +And waits its answer there.--Oh! do not frown. +I've try'd to reason's tune to tune my soul, +But love did overwind and crack the string. +Though Jove in thunder had cry'd out, YOU SHAN'T, +I should have loved her still--for oh, strange fate, +Then when I loved her least I loved her most! + +[Footnote 1: This speech hath been taken to pieces by several tragical +authors, who seem to have rifled it, and shared its beauties among +them. + + My soul waits at the portal of thy breast, + To ravish from thy lips the welcome news.--_Anna Bullen_. + + My soul stands list'ning at my ears.--_Cyrus the Great_. + + Love to his tune my jarring heart would bring, + But reason overwinds, and cracks the string.--_D. of Guise_. + + -------I should have loved, + Though Jove, in muttering thunder, had forbid it. + --_New Sophonisba_. + + And when it (_my heart_) wild resolves to love no more, + Then is the triumph of excessive love.--_Ibid_. +] + +_King_. It is resolv'd--the princess is your own. + +_Thumb_. Oh! [1]happy, happy, happy, happy Thumb. + +[Footnote 1: Massinissa is one-fourth less happy than Tom Thumb.] + + Oh! happy, happy, happy!--_Ibid_. +] + +_Queen_. Consider, sir; reward your soldier's merit, +But give not Huncamunca to Tom Thumb. + +_King_. Tom Thumb! Odzooks! my wide-extended realm, +Knows not a name so glorious as Tom Thumb. +Let Macedonia Alexander boast, +Let Rome her Caesars and her Scipios show, +Her Messieurs France, let Holland boast Mynheers, +Ireland her O's, her Macs let Scotland boast, +Let England boast no other than Tom Thumb. + +_Queen_. Though greater yet his boasted merit was, +He shall not have my daughter, that is pos'. + +_King_. Ha! sayst thou, Dollallolla? + +_Queen_.---------I say he shan't. + +_King_. [1]Then by our royal self we swear you lie. + +[Footnote 1: No by myself.--_Anna Bullen_.] + +_Queen_. [1] Who but a dog, who but a dog +Would use me as thou dost? Me, who have lain +[2] These twenty years so loving by thy side! +But I will be revenged. I'll hang myself. +Then tremble all who did this match persuade, +[3] For, riding on a cat, from high I'll fall, +And squirt down royal vengeance on you all. + +[Footnote 1: ----------Who caused +This dreadful revolution in my fate. +Ulamar. Who but a dog--who but a dog?--_Liberty As_. +] + +[Footnote 2: ------------A bride, +Who twenty years lay loving by your side.--_Banks_. +] + +[Footnote 3: For, borne upon a cloud, from high I'll fall, +And rain down royal vengeance on you all.--_Alb. Queens_. +] + +_Food_. [1]Her majesty the queen is in a passion. + +[Footnote 1: An information very like this we have in the tragedy of +Love, where, Cyrus having stormed in the most violent manner, Cyaxares +observes very calmly, + + Why, nephew Cyrus, you are moved. +] + +_King_. [1] Be she, or be she not, I'll to the girl +And pave thy way, oh Thumb--Now by ourself, +We were indeed a pretty king of clouts +To truckle to her will--For when by force +Or art the wife her husband over-reaches, +Give him the petticoat, and her the breeches. + +[Footnote 1: 'Tis in your choice. +Love me, or love me not.--_Conquest of Granada_. +] + +_Thumb_. [1] Whisper ye winds, that Huncamunca's mine! +Echoes repeat, that Huncamunca's mine! +The dreadful bus'ness of the war is o'er, +And beauty, heav'nly beauty! crowns my toils! +I've thrown the bloody garment now aside +And hymeneal sweets invite my bride. + +So when some chimney-sweeper all the day +Hath through dark paths pursued the sooty way, +At night to wash his hands and face he flies, +And in his t'other shirt with his Brickdusta lies. + +[Footnote 1: There is not one beauty in this charming speech but what +hath been borrow'd by almost every tragick writer. +] + + + + +SCENE IV. + + +_Grizzle_ (_solus_.) [1] Where art thou, Grizzle? where +are now thy glories? +Where are the drums that waken thee to honour? +Greatness is a laced coat from Monmouth-street, +Which fortune lends us for a day to wear, +To-morrow puts it on another's back. +The spiteful sun but yesterday survey'd +His rival high as Saint Paul's cupola; +Now may he see me as Fleet-ditch laid low. + +[Footnote 1: Mr Banks has (I wish I could not say too servilely) +imitated this of Grizzle in his Earl of Essex: + Where art thou, Essex, &c.] + + + + +SCENE V.--QUEEN, GRIZZLE. + + +_Queen_. [1]Teach me to scold, prodigious-minded Grizzle, +Mountain of treason, ugly as the devil, +Teach this confounded hateful mouth of mine +To spout forth words malicious as thyself, +Words which might shame all Billingsgate to speak. + +[Footnote 1: The countess of Nottingham, in the Earl of Essex, is +apparently acquainted with Dollallolla.] + +_Griz_. Far be it from my pride to think my tongue +Your royal lips can in that art instruct, +Wherein you so excel. But may I ask, +Without offence, wherefore my queen would scold? + +_Queen_. Wherefore? Oh! blood and thunder! han't you heard +(What every corner of the court resounds) +That little Thumb will be a great man made? + +_Griz_. I heard it, I confess--for who, alas! +[1] Can always stop his ears?--But would my teeth, +By grinding knives, had first been set on edge! + +[Footnote 1: Grizzle was not probably possessed of that glew of which +Mr Banks speaks in his Cyrus. + + I'll glew my ears to every word. +] + +_Queen_. Would I had heard, at the still noon of night, +The hallalloo of fire in every street! +Odsbobs! I have a mind to hang myself, +To think I should a grandmother be made +By such a rascal!--Sure the king forgets +When in a pudding, by his mother put, +The bastard, by a tinker, on a stile +Was dropp'd.--O, good lord Grizzle! can I bear +To see him from a pudding mount the throne? +Or can, oh can, my Huncamunca bear +To take a pudding's offspring to her arms? + +_Griz_. Oh horror! horror! horror! cease, my queen, +[1] Thy voice, like twenty screech-owls, wracks my +brain. + +[Footnote 1: Screech-owls, dark ravens, and amphibious monsters, +Are screaming in that voice.--_Mary Queen of Scots_. +] + +_Queen_. Then rouse thy spirit--we may yet prevent +This hated match. + +_Griz_.--We will[1]; nor fate itself, +Should it conspire with Thomas Thumb, should cause it. +I'll swim through seas; I'll ride upon the clouds; +I'll dig the earth; I'll blow out every fire; +I'll rave; I'll rant; I'll rise; I'll rush; I'll roar; +Fierce as the man whom[2] smiling dolphins bore +From the prosaick to poetick shore. +I'll tear the scoundrel into twenty pieces. + +[Footnote 1: The reader may see all the beauties of this speech in a +late ode called the Naval Lyrick.] + +[Footnote 2: This epithet to a dolphin doth not give one so clear an +idea as were to be wished; a smiling fish seeming a little more +difficult to be imagined than a flying fish. Mr Dryden is of opinion +that smiling is the property of reason, and that no irrational +creature can smile: + + Smiles not allow'd to beasts from reason move. + --_State of Innocence_. +] + +_Queen_. Oh, no! prevent the match, but hurt him not; +For, though I would not have him have my daughter, +Yet can we kill the man that kill'd the giants? + +_Griz_. I tell you, madam, it was all a trick; +He made the giants first, and then he kill'd them; +As fox-hunters bring foxes to the wood, +And then with hounds they drive them out again. + +_Queen_. How! have you seen no giants? Are there not +Now, in the yard, ten thousand proper giants? + +_Griz_. [1]Indeed I cannot positively tell, +But firmly do believe there is not one. + +[Footnote 1: These lines are written in the same key with those in the +Earl of Essex: + + Why, say'st thou so? I love thee well, indeed + I do, and thou shalt find by this 'tis true. + +Or with this in Cyrus: + + The most heroick mind that ever was. + +And with above half of the modern tragedies. +] + +_Queen_. Hence! from my sight! thou traitor, hie away; +By all my stars I thou enviest Tom Thumb. +Go, sirrah! go, [1]hie away! hie!----thou art +A setting dog: be gone. + +[Footnote 1: Aristotle, in that excellent work of his which is very +justly stiled his masterpiece, earnestly recommends using the terms of +art, however coarse or even indecent they may be. Mr Tate is of the +same opinion. + +_Bru_. Do not, like young hawks, fetch a course about. +Your game flies fair. + +_Fra_. Do not fear it. +He answers you in your own hawking phrase. +--_Injured Love_. + +I think these two great authorities are sufficient to justify +Dollallolla in the use of the phrase, "Hie away, hie!" when in the +same line she says she is speaking to a setting-dog. +] + +_Griz_. Madam, I go. +Tom Thumb shall feel the vengeance you have raised. +So, when two dogs are fighting in the streets, +With a third dog one of the two dogs meets, +With angry teeth he bites him to the bone, +And this dog smarts for what that dog has done. + + + + +SCENE VI. + + +_Queen_ (_sola_). And whither shall I go?--Alack a day! +I love Tom Thumb--but must not tell him so; +For what's a woman when her virtue's gone? +A coat without its lace; wig out of buckle; +A stocking with a hole in't--I can't live +Without my virtue, or without Tom Thumb. +[1] Then let me weigh them in two equal scales; +In this scale put my virtue, that Tom Thumb. +Alas! Tom Thumb is heavier than my virtue. +But hold!--perhaps I may be left a widow: +This match prevented, then Tom Thumb is mine; +In that dear hope I will forget my pain. + +So, when some wench to Tothill Bridewell's sent, +With beating hemp and flogging she's content; +She hopes in time to ease her present pain, +At length is free, and walks the streets again. + +[Footnote 1: We meet with such another pair of scales in Dryden's King +Arthur: + +Arthur and Oswald, and their different fates, +Are weighing now within the scales of heaven. + +Also in Sebastian: + +This hour my lot is weighing in the scales. +] + + + + +ACT II. + +SCENE I.--_The street_. Bailiff, Follower. + + +[Footnote: Mr Rowe is generally imagined to have taken some hints from +this scene in his character of Bajazet; but as he, of all the tragick +writers, bears the least resemblance to our author in his diction, I +am unwilling to imagine he would condescend to copy him in this +particular.] + +_Bail_. Come on, my trusty follower, come on; +This day discharge thy duty, and at night +A double mug of beer, and beer shall glad thee. +Stand here by me, this way must Noodle pass. + +_Fol_. No more, no more, oh Bailiff! every word +Inspires my soul with virtue. Oh! I long +To meet the enemy in the street--and nab him: +To lay arresting hands upon his back, +And drag him trembling to the spunging-house. + +_Bail_. There when I have him, I will spunge upon him. +Oh! glorious thought! by the sun, moon, and stars, +I will enjoy it, though it be in thought! +Yes, yes, my follower, I will enjoy it. + +_Fol_. Enjoy it then some other time, for now +Our prey approaches. + +_Bail_. Let us retire. + + + + +SCENE II.--TOM THUMB, NOODLE, Bailiff, Follower. + + +_Thumb_. Trust me, my Noodle, I am wondrous sick; +For, though I love the gentle Huncamunca, +Yet at the thought of marriage I grow pale: +For, oh!--[1] but swear thou'lt keep it ever secret, +I will unfold a tale will make thee stare. + +[Footnote 1: This method of surprizing an audience, by raising their +expectation to the highest pitch, and then baulking it, hath been +practised with great success by most of our tragical authors] + +_Nood_. I swear by lovely Huncamunca's charms. + +_Thumb_. Then know--[1] my grandmamma hath often said, +Tom Thumb, beware of marriage. + +[Footnote: Almeyda, in Sebastian, is in the same distress: + + Sometimes methinks I hear the groan of ghosts, + This hollow sounds and lamentable screams; + Then, like a dying echo from afar, + My mother's voice that cries, Wed not, Almeyda; + Forewarn'd, Almeyda, marriage is thy crime. +] + +_Nood_. Sir, I blush +To think a warrior, great in arms as you, +Should be affrighted by his grandmamma. +Can an old woman's empty dreams deter +The blooming hero from the virgin's arms? +Think of the joy that will your soul alarm, +When in her fond embraces clasp'd you lie, +While on her panting breast, dissolved in bliss, +You pour out all Tom Thumb in every kiss. + +_Thumb_. Oh! Noodle, thou hast fired my eager soul; +Spite of my grandmother she shall be mine; +I'll hug, caress, I'll eat her up with love: +Whole days, and nights, and years shall be too short +For our enjoyment; every sun shall rise +[1] Blushing to see us in our bed together. + +[Footnote: "As very well he may, if he hath any modesty in him," says +Mr D--s. The author of Busiris is extremely zealous to prevent the +sun's blushing at any indecent object; and therefore on all such +occasions he addresses himself to the sun, and desires him to keep out +of the way. + + Rise never more, O sun! let night prevail, + Eternal darkness close the world's wide scene.--_Busiris_. + + Sun, hide thy face, and put the world in mourning.--_Ibid_. + +Mr Banks makes the sun perform the office of Hymen, and therefore not +likely to be disgusted at such a sight: + + The sun sets forth like a gay brideman with you. + --_Mary Queen of Scots_. +] + +_Nood_. Oh, sir! this purpose of your soul pursue. + +_Bail_. Oh! sir! I have an action against you. + +_Nood_. At whose suit is it? + +_Bail_. At your taylor's, sir. +Your taylor put this warrant in my hands, +And I arrest you, sir, at his commands. + +_Thumb_. Ha! dogs! Arrest my friend before my face! +Think you Tom Thumb will suffer this disgrace? +But let vain cowards threaten by their word, +Tom Thumb shall shew his anger by his sword. + [_Kills_ Bailiff _and_ Follower. + +_Bail_. Oh, I am slain! + +_Fol_. I am murdered also, +And to the shades, the dismal shades below, +My bailiff's faithful follower I go. + +_Nood_. [1]Go then to hell, like rascals as you are, +And give our service to the bailiffs there. + +[Footnote 1: Nourmahal sends the same message to heaven; + + For I would have you, when you upwards move, + Speak kindly of us to our friends above.--_Aurengzebe_ + +We find another to hell, in the Persian Princess: + + Villain, get thee down + To hell, and tell them that the fray's begun. +] + +_Thumb_. Thus perish all the bailiffs in the land, +Till debtors at noon-day shall walk the streets, +And no one fear a bailiff or his writ. + + + + +SCENE III.----_The Princess _Huncamunca's_ Apartment_. +Huncamunca, Cleora, Mustacha. + + +_Hunc_. [1]Give me some music--see that it be sad. + +[Footnote 1: Anthony gave the same command in the same words.] + +CLEORA _sings_. + +Cupid, ease a love-sick maid, +Bring thy quiver to her aid; +With equal ardour wound the swain, +Beauty should never sigh in vain. + +Let him feel the pleasing smart, +Drive the arrow through his heart: +When one you wound, you then destroy; +When both you kill, you kill with joy. + + +_Hunc_. [1]O Tom Thumb! Tom Thumb! wherefore art thou Tom Thumb? +Why hadst thou not been born of royal race? +Why had not mighty Bantam been thy father? +Or else the king of Brentford, Old or New? + +[Footnote 1: Oh! Marius, Marius, wherefore art thou Marius? + --_Olway's Marius_. +] + +_Must_. I am surprised that your highness can give yourself a +moment's uneasiness about that little insignificant fellow,[1] Tom Thumb +the Great--one properer for a plaything than a husband. Were he my +husband his horns should be as long as his body. If you had fallen in +love with a grenadier, I should not have wondered at it. If you had +fallen in love with something; but to fall in love with nothing! + +[Footnote 1: Nothing is more common than these seeming contradictions; +such as, + + Haughty weakness.--_Victim_ + Great small world.--_Noah's Flood_ +] + +_Hunc_. Cease, my Mustacha, on thy duty cease. +The zephyr, when in flowery vales it plays, +Is not so soft, so sweet as Thummy's breath. +The dove is not so gentle to its mate. + +_Must_. The dove is every bit as proper for a husband. --Alas! +Madam, there's not a beau about the court looks so little like a +man. He is a perfect butterfly, a thing without substance, and almost +without shadow too. + +_Hunc_. This rudeness is unseasonable: desist; +Or I shall think this railing comes from love. +Tom Thumb's a creature of that charming form, +That no one can abuse, unless they love him. + +_Must_. Madam, the king. + + + + +SCENE IV.-KING, HUNCAMUNCA. + +_King_. Let all but Huncamunca leave the room. + [Exeunt CLEORA and MUSTACHA. +Daughter, I have observed of late some grief. +Unusual in your countenance: your eyes! +[1]That, like two open windows, used to shew +The lovely beauty of the rooms within, +Have now two blinds before them. What is the cause? +Say, have you not enough of meat and drink? +We've given strict orders not to have you stinted. + +[Footnote 1: Lee hath improved this metaphor: + + Dost thou not view joy peeping from my eyes, + The casements open'd wide to gaze on thee? + So Rome's glad citizens to windows rise, + When they some young triumpher fain would see. + --_Gloriana_. +] + +_Hunc_. Alas! my lord, I value not myself +That once I eat two fowls and half a pig; +[1]Small is that praise! but oh! a maid may want +What she can neither eat nor drink. + +[Footnote 1: Almahide hath the same contempt for these appetites: + + To eat and drink can no perfection be. + --_Conquest of Granada_. + +The earl of Essex is of a different opinion, and seems to place the +chief happiness of a general therein: + + Were but commanders half so well rewarded, + Then they might eat.--_Banks's Earl of Essex_. + +But, if we may believe one who knows more than either, the devil +himself, we shall find eating to be an affair of more moment than is +generally imagined: + + Gods are immortal only by their food. + --_Lucifer; in the State of Innocence_. +] + +_King_. What's that? + +_Hunc_. O[1] spare my blushes; but I mean a husband. + +[Footnote 1: "This expression is enough of itself," says Mr D., +"utterly to destroy the character of Huncamunca!" Yet we find a woman +of no abandoned character in Dryden adventuring farther, and thus +excusing herself: + +To speak our wishes first, forbid it pride, +Forbid it modesty; true, they forbid it, +But Nature does not. When we are athirst, +Or hungry, will imperious Nature stay, +Nor eat, nor drink, before 'tis bid fall on?--_Cleomenes_. + +Cassandra speaks before she is asked: Huncamunca afterwards. +Cassandra speaks her wishes to her lover: Huncamunca only to her +father. +] + +_King_. If that be all, I have provided one, +A husband great in arms, whose warlike sword +Streams with the yellow blood of slaughter'd giants, +Whose name in Terra Incognita is known, +Whose valour, wisdom, virtue make a noise +Great as the kettle-drums of twenty armies. + +_Hunc_. Whom does my royal father mean? + +_King_. Tom Thumb. + +_Hunc_. Is it possible? + +_King_. Ha! the window-blinds are gone; +[1]A country-dance of joy is in your face. +Your eyes spit fire, your cheeks grow red as beef. + +[Footnote 1: + Her eyes resistless magick bear; + Angels, I see, and gods, are dancing there + --_Lee's Sophonisba_. +] + +_Hunc_. O, there's a magick-musick in that sound, +Enough to turn me into beef indeed! +Yes, I will own, since licensed by your word, +I'll own Tom Thumb the cause of all my grief. +For him I've sigh'd, I've wept, I've gnaw'd my sheets. + +_King_. Oh! thou shalt gnaw thy tender sheets no more. +A husband thou shalt have to mumble now. + +_Hunc_. Oh! happy sound! henceforth let no one tell +That Huncamunca shall lead apes in hell. +Oh! I am overjoy'd! + +_King_. I see thou art. +[1] Joy lightens in thy eyes, and thunders from thy brows; +Transports, like lightning, dart along thy soul, +As small-shot through a hedge. + +[Footnote 1: Mr Dennis, in that excellent tragedy called Liberty +Asserted, which is thought to have given so great a stroke to the late +French king, hath frequent imitations of this beautiful speech of king +Arthur: + + Conquest light'ning in his eyes, and thund'ring in his arm, + Joy lighten'd in her eyes. + Joys like lightning dart along my soul. +] + +_Hunc_. Oh! say not small. + +_King_. This happy news shall on our tongue ride post, +Ourself we bear the happy news to Thumb. +Yet think not, daughter, that your powerful charms +Must still detain the hero from his arms; +Various his duty, various his delight; +Now in his turn to kiss, and now to fight, +And now to kiss again. So, mighty[1] Jove, +When with excessive thund'ring tired above, +Comes down to earth, and takes a bit--and then +Flies to his trade of thund'ring back again. + +[Footnote 1: + Jove, with excessive thund'ring tired above, + Comes down for ease, enjoys a nymph, and then + Mounts dreadful, and to thund'ring goes again.--_Gloriana_. +] + + + + +SCENE V.--GRIZZLE, HUNCAMUNCA. + +[1]_Griz_. Oh! Huncamunca, Huncamunca, oh! +Thy pouting breasts, like kettle-drums of brass, +Beat everlasting loud alarms of joy; +As bright as brass they are, and oh, as hard. +Oh! Huncamunca, Huncamunca, oh! + +[Footnote 1: This beautiful line, which ought, says Mr W----, to be +written in gold, is imitated in the New Sophonisba: + + Oh! Sophonisba; Sophonisba, oh! + Oh! Narva; Narva, oh! + +The author of a song called Duke upon Duke hath improved it: + + Alas! O Nick! O Nick, alas! + +Where, by the help of a little false spelling, you have two +meanings in the repeated words. +] + +_Hunc_. Ha! dost thou know me, princess as I am, +[1]That thus of me you dare to make your game? + +[Footnote 1: Edith, in the Bloody Brother, speaks to her lover in the +same familiar language: + + Your grace is full of game. +] + +_Griz_. Oh! Huncamunca, well I know that you +A princess are, and a king's daughter, too; +But love no meanness scorns, no grandeur fears; +Love often lords into the cellar bears, +And bids the sturdy porter come up stairs. +For what's too high for love, or what's too low? +Oh! Huncamunca, Huncamunca, oh! + +_Hunc_. But, granting all you say of love were true, +My love, alas! is to another due. +In vain to me a suitoring you come, +For I'm already promised to Tom Thumb. + +_Griz_. And can my princess such a durgen wed? +One fitter for your pocket than your bed! +Advised by me, the worthless baby shun, +Or you will ne'er be brought to bed of one. +Oh take me to thy arms, and never flinch, +Who am a man, by Jupiter! every inch. +[1]Then, while in joys together lost we lie, +I'll press thy soul while gods stand wishing by. + +[Footnote 1: + + Traverse the glitt'ring chambers of the sky, + Borne on a cloud in view of fate I'll lie, + And press her soul while gods stand wishing by. + --_Hannibal_. +] + +_Hunc_. If, sir, what you insinuate you prove, +All obstacles of promise you remove; +For all engagements to a man must fall, +Whene'er that man is proved no man at all. + +_Griz_. Oh! let him seek some dwarf, some fairy miss, +Where no joint-stool must lift him to the kiss! +But, by the stars and glory! you appear +Much fitter for a Prussian grenadier; +One globe alone on Atlas' shoulders rests, +Two globes are less than Huncamunca's breasts; +The milky way is not so white, that's flat, +And sure thy breasts are full as large as that. + +_Hunc_. Oh, sir, so strong your eloquence I find, +It is impossible to be unkind. + +_Griz_. Ah! speak that o'er again, and let the[1] sound +From one pole to another pole rebound; +The earth and sky each be a battledore, +And keep the sound, that shuttlecock, up an hour: +To Doctors' Commons for a licence I +Swift as an arrow from a bow will fly. + +[Footnote 1: + + Let the four winds from distant corners meet, + And on their wings first bear it into France; + Then back again to Edina's proud walls, + Till victim to the sound th' aspiring city falls. + --_Albion Queens_. +] + +_Hunc_. Oh, no! lest some disaster we should meet +'Twere better to be married at the Fleet. + +_Griz_. Forbid it, all ye powers, a princess should +By that vile place contaminate her blood; +My quick return shall to my charmer prove +I travel on the [1]post-horses of love. + +[Footnote 1: I do not remember any metaphors so frequent in the tragic +poets as those borrowed from riding post: + + The gods and opportunity ride post.--_Hannibal_. + + ----Let's rush together, + For death rides post!--_Duke of Guise_. + + Destruction gallops to thy murder post.--_Gloriana_. +] + +_Hunc_. Those post-horses to me will seem too slow +Though they should fly swift as the gods, when they +Ride on behind that post-boy, Opportunity. + + + + +SCENE VI.--TOM THUMB, HUNCAMUNCA. + + +_Thumb_. Where is my princess? where's my Huncamunca? +Where are those eyes, those cardmatches of Jove, +That[1] light up all with love my waxen soul? +Where is that face which artful nature made +[2] In the same moulds where Venus' self was cast? + +[Footnote 1: This image, too, very often occurs: + + --Bright as when thy eye + First lighted up our loves.--_Aurengzebe_. + + 'Tis not a crown alone lights up my name.--_Busiris_. +] + +[Footnote 2: There is great dissension among the poets concerning the +method of making man. One tells his mistress that the mould she was +made in being lost, Heaven cannot form such another. Lucifer, in +Dryden, gives a merry description of his own formation: + + Whom heaven, neglecting, made and scarce design'd, + But threw me in for number to the rest .--_State of Innocence_. + +In one place the same poet supposes man to be made of metal: + + I was form'd + Of that coarse metal which, when she was made + The gods threw by for rubbish.--_All for Love_. + +In another of dough: + + When the gods moulded up the paste of man, + Some of their clay was left upon their hands, + And so they made Egyptians.--_Cleomenes_. + +In another of clay: + + --Rubbish of remaining clay.--_Sebastian_. + +One makes the soul of wax: + + Her waxen soul begins to melt apace.--_Anna Bullen_. + +Another of flint: + + Sure our two souls have somewhere been acquainted + In former beings, or, struck out together, + One spark to Africk flew, and one to Portugal.--_Sebastian_. + +To omit the great quantities of iron, brazen, and leaden souls, which +are so plenty in modern authors--I cannot omit the dress of a soul as +we find it in Dryden: + + Souls shirted but with air.--_King Arthur_. + +Nor can I pass by a particular sort of soul in a particular sort of +description in the New Sophonisba: + + Ye mysterious powers, + --Whether thro' your gloomy depths I wander, + Or on the mountains walk, give me the calm, + The steady smiling soul, where wisdom sheds + Eternal sunshine, and eternal joy. +] + +_Hunc_. [1]Oh! what is music to the ear that's deaf, +Or a goose-pie to him that has no taste? +What are these praises now to me, since I +Am promised to another? + +[Footnote 1: This line Mr Banks has plunder'd entire in his Anna +Bullen.] + +_Thumb_. Ha! promised? + +_Hunc_. Too sure; 'tis written in the book of fate. + +_Thumb_. [1]Then I will tear away the leaf +Wherein it's writ; or, if fate won't allow +So large a gap within its journal-book, +I'll blot it out at least. + +[Footnote 1: + Good Heaven! the book of fate before me lay, + But to tear out the journal of that day. + Or, if the order of the world below + Will not the gap of one whole day allow, + Give me that minute when she made her vow. + --_Conquest of Granada_. +] + + + + +SCENE VII.--GLUMDALCA, TOM THUMB, HUNCAMUNCA + + +_Glum_. [1]I need not ask if you are Huncamunca. +Your brandy-nose proclaims---- + +[Footnote 1: I know some of the commentators have imagined that Mr +Dryden, in the altercative scene between Cleopatra and Octavia, a +scene which Mr Addison inveighs against with great bitterness, is +much beholden to our author. How just this their observation is I will +not presume to determine.] + +_Hunc_. I am a princess; +Nor need I ask who you are. + +_Glum_. A giantess; +The queen of those who made and unmade queens. + +_Hunc_. The man whose chief ambition is to be +My sweetheart hath destroy'd these mighty giants. + +_Glum_. Your sweetheart? Dost thou think the man who once +Hath worn my easy chains will e'er wear thine? + +_Hunc_. Well may your chains be easy, since, if fame +Says true, they have been tried on twenty husbands. +[1]The glove or boot, so many times pull'd on, +May well sit easy on the hand or foot. + +[Footnote 1: "A cobling poet indeed," says Mr D.; and yet I believe we +may find as monstrous images in the tragick authors: I'll put down +one: + +Untie your folded thoughts, and let them dangle loose as a +bride's hair.--_Injured Love_. + +Which line seems to have as much title to a milliner's shop as our +author's to a shoemaker's.] + +_Glum_. I glory in the number, and when I +Sit poorly down, like thee, content with one, +Heaven change this face for one as bad as thine. + +_Hunc_. Let me see nearer what this beauty is +That captivates the heart of men by scores. + [_Holds a candle to her face_. +Oh! Heaven, thou art as ugly as the devil. + +_Glum_. You'd give the best of shoes within your shop +To be but half so handsome. + +_Hunc_. Since you come +[1]To that, I'll put my beauty to the test: +Tom Thumb, I'm yours, if you with me will go. + +[Footnote 1: Mr L---- takes occasion in this place to commend the great +care of our author to preserve the metre of blank verse, in which +Shakspeare, Jonson, and Fletcher, were so notoriously negligent; and +the moderns, in imitation of our author, so laudably observant: + + Then does + Your majesty believe that he can be + A traitor?--_Earl of Essex_. + +Every page of Sophonisba gives us instances of this excellence. +] + +_Glum_. Oh! stay, Tom Thumb, and you alone shall fill +That bed where twenty giants used to lie. + +_Thumb_. In the balcony that o'erhangs the stage, +I've seen a whore two 'prentices engage; +One half-a-crown does in his fingers hold, +The other shews a little piece of gold; +She the half-guinea wisely does purloin, +And leaves the larger and the baser coin. + +_Glum_. Left, scorn'd, and loathed for such a chit as this; +[1] I feel the storm that's rising in my mind, +Tempests and whirlwinds rise, and roll, and roar. +I'm all within a hurricane, as if +[2] The world's four winds were pent within my carcase. +[3] Confusion, horror, murder, guts, and death! + +[Footnote 1: Love mounts and rolls about my stormy mind. + --_Aurengzebe_. + Tempests and whirlwinds thro' my bosom move. + --_Cleomenes_. +] + +[Footnote 2: + With such a furious tempest on his brow, + As if the world's four winds were pent within + His blustering carcase.--_Anna Bullen_. +] + +[Footnote 3: Verba Tragica.] + + + + +SCENE VIII.--KING, GLUMDALCA. + + +_King_. [1] Sure never was so sad a king as I! +[2] My life is worn as ragged as a coat +A beggar wears; a prince should put it off. +[3] To love a captive and a giantess! +Oh love! oh love! how great a king art thou! +My tongue's thy trumpet, and thou trumpetest, +Unknown to me, within me. [4] Oh, Glumdalca! +Heaven thee designed a giantess to make, +But an angelick soul was shuffled in. +[5] I am a multitude of walking griefs, +And only on her lips the balm is found +[6] To spread a plaster that might cure them all. + +[Footnote 1: This speech has been terribly mauled by the poet.] + +[Footnote 2: + ----My life is worn to rags, + Not worth a prince's wearing.--_Love Triumphant_. +] + +[Footnote 3: + Must I beg the pity of my slave? + Must a king beg? But love's a greater king, + A tyrant, nay, a devil, that possesses me. + He tunes the organ of my voice and speaks, + Unknown to me, within me.--_Sebastian_. +] + +[Footnote 4: + When thou wert form'd, heaven did a man begin; + But a brute soul by chance was shuffled in.--_Aurengzebe_. +] + +[Footnote 5: + I am a multitude + Of walking griefs.--_New Sophonisba_. +] + +[Footnote 6: + I will take thy scorpion blood, + And lay it to my grief till I have ease.--_Anna Bullen_. +] + +_Glum_. What do I hear? +_King_. What do I see? +_Glum_. Oh! +_King_. Ah! +[1]_Glum_. Ah! wretched queen! +_King_. Oh! wretched king! +[2]_Glum_. Ah! +_King_. Oh! + + +[Footnote 1: Our author, who everywhere shews his great penetration +into human nature, here outdoes himself: where a less judicious poet +would have raised a long scene of whining love, he, who understood the +passions better, and that so violent an affection as this must be too +big for utterance, chuses rather to send his characters off in this +sullen and doleful manner, in which admirable conduct he is imitated +by the author of the justly celebrated Eurydice. Dr Young seems to +point at this violence of passion: + + --Passion choaks + Their words, and they're the statues of despair. + +And Seneca tells us, "Curse leves loquuntur, ingentes stupent." The +story of the Egyptian king in Herodotus is too well known to need to +be inserted; I refer the more curious reader to the excellent +Montaigne, who hath written an essay on this subject.] + +[Footnote 2: + To part is death. + Tis death to part. + Ah! + Oh --_Don Carlos_. +] + + + + +SCENE IX.--TOM THUMB, HUNCAMUNCA, Parson. + +_Par_. Happy's the wooing that's not long a doing; +For, if I guess right, Tom Thumb this night +Shall give a being to a new Tom Thumb. + +_Thumb_. It shall be my endeavour so to do. + +_Hunc_. Oh! fie upon you, sir, you make me blush. + +_Thumb_. It is the virgin's sign, and suits you well: +[1] I know not where, nor how, nor what I am; +[2] I am so transported, I have lost myself. + + +[Footnote 1: + Nor know I whether + What am I, who, or where. --_Busiris_. + + I was I know not what, and am I know not how. + --_Gloriana_. +] + +[Footnote 2: To understand sufficiently the beauty of this passage, it +will be necessary that we comprehend every man to contain two selfs. I +shall not attempt to prove this from philosophy, which the poets make +so plainly evident. + +One runs away from the other: + + ----Let me demand your majesty, + Why fly you from yourself? --_Duke of Guise_. + +In a second, one self is a guardian to the other: + + Leave me the care of me. --_Conquest of Granada_. + +Again: + + Myself am to myself less near. --_Ibid_. + +In the same, the first self is proud of the second: + + I myself am proud of me. --_State of Innocence_. + +In a third, distrustful of him: + + Fain I would tell, but whisper it in my ear, + That none besides might hear, nay, not myself. + --_Earl of Essex_. + +In a fourth, honours him: + + I honour Rome, + And honour too myself. --_Sophonisba_. + +In a fifth, at variance with him: + + Leave me not thus at variance with myself. --_Busiris_. + +Again, in a sixth: + + I find myself divided from myself. --_Medea_. + + She seemed the sad effigies of herself. --_Banks_. + + Assist me, Zulema, if thou would'st be + The friend thou seem'st, assist me against me. + --_Albion Queens_. + +From all which it appears that there are two selfs; and therefore Tom +Thumb's losing himself is no such solecism as it hath been represented +by men rather ambitious of criticising than qualified to criticise. +] + + +_Hunc_. Forbid it, all ye stars, for you're so small. +That were you lost, you'd find yourself no more. +So the unhappy sempstress once, they say, +Her needle in a pottle, lost, of hay; +In vain she look'd, and look'd, and made her moan, +For ah, the needle was forever gone. + +_Par_. Long may they live, and love, and propagate, +Till the whole land be peopled with Tom Thumbs! +[1] So, when the Cheshire cheese a maggot breeds, +Another and another still succeeds: +By thousands and ten thousands they increase, +Till one continued maggot fills the rotten cheese. + +[Footnote 1: Mr F---- imagines this parson to have been a Welsh one +from his simile.] + + + +SCENE X.--NOODLE, _and then_ GRIZZLE. + +_Nood_. [1] Sure, Nature means to break her solid chain, +Or else unfix the world, and in a rage +To hurl it from its axletree and hinges; +All things are so confused, the king's in love, +The queen is drunk, the princess married is. + +[Footnote 1: Our author hath been plundered here, according to custom + + Great nature, break thy chain that links together + The fabrick of the world, and make a chaos + Like that within my soul.--_Love Triumphant_. + + ----Startle Nature, unfix the globe, + And hurl it from its axletree and hinges. + --_Albion Queens_. + + The tott'ring earth seems sliding off its props. +] + +_Griz_. Oh, Noodle! Hast thou Huncamunca seen? + +_Nood_. I have seen a thousand sights this day, where none +Are by the wonderful bitch herself outdone. +The king, the queen, and all the court, are sights. + +_Griz_. [1] D--n your delay, you trifler! are you drunk, ha! +I will not hear one word but Huncamunca. + +[Footnote 1: + D--n your delay, ye torturers, proceed; + I will not hear one word but Almahide. + --_Conquest of Granada_. +] + +_Nood_. By this time she is married to Tom Thumb. + +_Griz_. [1] My Huncamunca! + +[Footnote 1: Mr Dryden hath imitated this in All for Love.] + +_Nood_. Your Huncamunca, +Tom Thumb's Huncamunca, every man's Huncamunca. + +_Griz_. If this be true, all womankind are damn'd. + +_Nood_. If it be not, may I be so myself. + +_Griz_. See where she comes! I'll not believe a word +Against that face, upon whose [1] ample brow +Sits innocence with majesty enthroned. + +[Footnote 1: This Miltonic style abounds in the New Sophonisba: + + --And on her ample brow + Sat majesty. +] + + +GRIZZLE, HUNCAMUNCA. + +_Griz_. Where has my Huncamunca been? See here. +The licence in my hand! + +_Hunc_. Alas! Tom Thumb. + +_Griz_. Why dost thou mention him? + +_Hunc_. Ah, me! Tom Thumb. + +_Griz_. What means my lovely Huncamunca? + +_Hunc_. Hum! + +_Griz_. Oh! speak. + +_Hunc_. Hum! + +_Griz_. Ha! your every word is hum: +[1] You force me still to answer you, Tom Thumb. +Tom Thumb--I'm on the rack--I'm in a flame. +[2]Tom Thumb, Tom Thumb, Tom Thumb--you love the name; +So pleasing is that sound, that were you dumb, +You still would find a voice to cry Tom Thumb. + +[Footnote 1: + Your every answer still so ends in that, + You force me still to answer you Morat. --_Aurengzebe_. +] + +[Footnote 2: Morat, Morat, Morat! you love the name.--_Aurengzebe_.] + +_Hunc_. Oh! be not hasty to proclaim my doom! +My ample heart for more than one has room: +A maid like me Heaven form'd at least for two. +[1]I married him, and now I'll marry you. + +[Footnote 1: "Here is a sentiment for the virtuous Huncamunca!" says +Mr D----s. And yet, with the leave of this great man, the virtuous +Panthea, in Cyrus, hath an heart every whit as ample: + + For two I must confess are gods to me, + Which is my Abradatus first, and thee.--_Cyrus the Great_. + +Nor is the lady in Love Triumphant more reserved, though not so +intelligible: + + I am so divided, + That I grieve most for both, and love both most. +] + +_Griz_. Ha! dost thou own thy falsehood to my face? +Think'st thou that I will share thy husband's place? +Since to that office one cannot suffice, +And since you scorn to dine one single dish on, +Go, get your husband put into commission. +Commissioners to discharge (ye gods! it fine is) +The duty of a husband to your highness. +Yet think not long I will my rival bear, +Or unrevenged the slighted willow wear; +The gloomy, brooding tempest, now confined +Within the hollow caverns of my mind, +In dreadful whirl shall roll along the coasts, +Shall thin the land of all the men it boasts, +[1] And cram up ev'ry chink of hell with ghosts. +[2] So have I seen, in some dark winter's day, +A sudden storm rush down the sky's highway, +Sweep through the streets with terrible ding-dong, +Gush through the spouts, and wash whole crouds along. +The crouded shops the thronging vermin skreen, +Together cram the dirty and the clean, +And not one shoe-boy in the street is seen. + +[Footnote 1: A ridiculous supposition to any one who considers the great +and extensive largeness of hell, says a commentator; but not +so to those who consider the great expansion of immaterial +substance. Mr Banks makes one soul to be so expanded, that +heaven could not contain it: + + The heavens are all too narrow for her soul. + --_Virtue Betrayed_. + +The Persian Princess hath a passage not unlike the author of this: + + We will send such shoals of murder'd slaves, + Shall glut hell's empty regions. + +This threatens to fill hell, even though it was empty; Lord Grizzle, +only to fill up the chinks, supposing the rest already full. +] + + +[Footnote 2: Mr Addison is generally thought to have had this simile +in his eye when he wrote that beautiful one at the end of the third +act of his Cato.] + +_Hunc_. Oh, fatal rashness! should his fury slay +My helpless bridegroom on his wedding-day, +I, who this morn of two chose which to wed, +May go again this night alone to bed. +[1] So have I seen some wild unsettled fool, +Who had her choice of this and that joint-stool, +To give the preference to either loth, +And fondly coveting to sit on both, +While the two stools her sitting-part confound, +Between 'em both fall squat upon the ground. + +[Footnote 1: This beautiful simile is founded on a proverb which does +honour to the English language: + + Between two stools the breech falls to the ground. + +I am not so well pleased with any written remains of the ancients as +with those little aphorisms which verbal tradition hath delivered down +to us under the title of proverbs. It were to be wished that, instead +of filling their pages with the fabulous theology of the pagans, our +modern poets would think it worth their while to enrich their works +with the proverbial sayings of their ancestors. Mr Dryden hath +chronicled one in heroick; + + Two ifs scarce make one possibility. + --_Conquest of Granada_. + +My lord Bacon is of opinion that whatever is known of arts and +sciences might be proved to have lurked in the Proverbs of Solomon. I +am of the same opinion in relation to those above-mentioned; at least +I am confident that a more perfect system of ethicks, as well as +oeconomy, might be compiled out of them than is at present extant, +either in the works of the ancient philosophers, or those more +valuable, as more voluminous ones of the modern divines. +] + + + + +ACT III. + +SCENE I.--KING ARTHUR'S _Palace_. + + +[1] _Ghost (solus)_. Hail! ye black horrors of midnight's +midnoon' +Ye fairies, goblins, bats, and screech-owls, hail! +And, oh! ye mortal watchmen, whose hoarse throats +Th' immortal ghosts dread croakings counterfeit, +All hail!--Ye dancing phantoms, who, by day, +Are some condemn'd to fast, some feast in fire, +Now play in churchyards, skipping o'er the graves, +To the [2]loud music of the silent bell, +All hail! + +[Footnote 1: Of all the particulars in which the modern stage falls +short of the ancient, there is none so much to be lamented as the +great scarcity of ghosts Whence this proceeds I will not presume to +determine Some are of opinion that the moderns are unequal to that +sublime language which a ghost ought to speak One says, ludicrously, +that ghosts are out of fashion, another, that they are properer for +comedy, forgetting, I suppose, that Aristotle hath told us that a +ghost is the soul of tragedy, for so I render the [Greek text: +psychae o muythos taes tragodias], which M. Dacier, amongst others, +hath mistaken, I suppose, misled by not understanding the Fabula of +the Latins, which signifies a ghost as well as fable. + + "Te premet nox, fabulaeque manes"--_Horace_ + + +Of all the ghosts that have ever appeared on the stage, a very learned +and judicious foreign critick gives the preference to this of our +author. These are his words speaking of this tragedy--"Nec quidquam +in illa admirabilius quam phasma quoddam horrendum, quod omnibus abis +spectris quibuscum scatet Angelorum tragoedia longe (pace D--ysn V +Doctiss dixerim) praetulerim." +] + +[Footnote 2: We have already given instances of this figure.] + + + + +SCENE II.--KING, GHOST. + + +_King_. What noise is this? What villain dares, +At this dread hoar, with feet and voice profane, +Disturb our royal walls? + +_Ghost_. One who defies +Thy empty power to hurt him; [1] one who dares +Walk in thy bedchamber. + +[Footnote 1: Almanzor reasons in the same manner: + + A ghost I'll be; + And from a ghost, you know, no place is free. + --_Conquest of Granada_. +] + +_King_. Presumptuous slave! +Thou diest. + +_Ghost_. Threaten others with that word: +[1] I am a ghost, and am already dead. + +[Footnote 1: "The man who writ this wretched pun," says Mr D., "would +have picked your pocket:" which he proceeds to shew not only bad in +itself, but doubly so on so solemn an occasion. And yet, in that +excellent play of Liberty Asserted, we find something very much +resembling a pun in the mouth of a mistress, who is parting with the +lover she is fond of: + + _Ul_. Oh, mortal woe! one kiss, and then farewell. + _Irene_. The gods have given to others to fare well. + O! miserably must Irene fare. + +Agamemnon, in the Victim, is full as facetious on the most solemn +occasion--that of sacrificing his daughter: + + Yes, daughter, yes; you will assist the priest; + Yes, you must offer up your vows for Greece, +] + +_King_. Ye stars! 'tis well, Were thy last hour to come, +This moment had been it; [1] yet by thy shroud +I'll pull thee backward, squeeze thee to a bladder, +Till thou dost groan thy nothingness away. +Thou fly'st! 'Tis well. [_Ghost retires_. +[2] I thought what was the courage of a ghost! +Yet, dare not, on thy life--Why say I that, +Since life thou hast not?--Dare not walk again +Within these walls, on pain of the Red Sea. +For, if henceforth I ever find thee here, +As sure, sure as a gun, I'll have thee laid-- + +[Footnote 1: + I'll pull thee backwards by thy shroud to light, + Or else I'll squeeze thee, like a bladder, there, + And make thee groan thyself away to air. + --_Conquest of Granada_. + + Snatch me, ye gods, this moment into nothing. + --_Cyrus the Great_. +] + +[Footnote 2: + So, art thou gone? Thou canst no conquest boast. + I thought what was the courage of a ghost. + --_Conquest of Granada_. + +King Arthur seems to be as brave a fellow as Almanzor, who says most +heroically, + + In spite of ghosts I'll on. +] + +_Ghost_. Were the Red Sea a sea of Hollands gin, +The liquor (when alive) whose very smell +I did detest--did loathe--yet, for the sake +Of Thomas Thumb, I would be laid therein. + +_King_. Ha! said you? + +_Ghost_. Yes, my liege, I said Tom Thumb, +Whose father's ghost I am--once not unknown +To mighty Arthur. But, I see, 'tis true, +The dearest friend, when dead, we all forget. + +_King_. 'Tis he--it is the honest Gaffer Thumb. +Oh! let me press thee in my eager arms, +Thou best of ghosts! thou something more than ghost! + +_Ghost_. Would I were something more, that we again +Might feel each other in the warm embrace. +But now I have th' advantage of my king, +[1] For I feel thee, whilst thou dost not feel me. + +[Footnote 1: The ghost of Lausaria, in Cyrus, is a plain copy of this, +and is therefore worth reading: + + Ah, Cyrus! + Thou may'st as well grasp water, or fleet air, + As think of touching my immortal shade. + --_Cyrus the Great_. +] + +_King_. But say, [1] thou dearest air, oh! say what dread, +Important business sends thee back to earth? + +[Footnote 1: + Thou better part of heavenly air. + --_Conquest of Granada,_. +] + +_Ghost_. Oh! then prepare to hear--which but to hear +Is full enough to send thy spirit hence. +Thy subjects up in arms, by Grizzle led, +Will, ere the rosy-finger'd morn shall ope +The shutters of the sky, before the gate +Of this thy royal palace, swarming spread. +[1] So have I seen the bees in clusters swarm, +So have I seen the stars in frosty nights, +So have I seen the sand in windy days, +So have I seen the ghosts on Pluto's shore, +So have I seen the flowers in spring arise, +So have I seen the leaves in autumn fall, +So have I seen the fruits in summer smile, +So have I seen the snow in winter frown. + +[Footnote 1: "A string of similes," says one, "proper to be hung up in +the cabinet of a prince."] + +_King_. D--n all thou hast seen!--dost thou, beneath the shape +Of Gaffer Thumb, come hither to abuse me +With similes, to keep me on the rack? +Hence--or, by all the torments of thy hell, +[1] I'll run thee through the body, though thou'st none. + +[Footnote 1: This passage hath been understood several different ways +by the commentators. For my part, I find it difficult to understand it +at all. Mr Dryden says-- + + I've heard something how two bodies meet, + But how two souls join I know not. + +So that, till the body of a spirit be better understood, it will be +difficult to understand how it is possible to run him through it. +] + + +_Ghost_. Arthur, beware! I must this moment hence, +Not frighted by your voice, but by the cocks! +Arthur, beware, beware, beware, beware! +Strive to avert thy yet impending fate; +For, if thou'rt kill'd to-day, +To-morrow all thy care will come too late. + + + + +SCENE III.--KING (_solus_). + + +_King_. Oh! stay, and leave me not uncertain thus! +And, whilst thou tellest me what's like my fate, +Oh! teach me how I may avert it too! +Curst be the man who first a simile made! +Curst ev'ry bard who writes!--So have I seen +Those whose comparisons are just and true, +And those who liken things not like at all. +The devil is happy that the whole creation +Can furnish out no simile to his fortune. + + + + +SCENE IV.--KING, QUEEN. + + +_Queen_. What is the cause, my Arthur, that you steal +Thus silently from Dollallolla's breast? +Why dost thou leave me in the [1] dark alone, +When well thou know'st I am afraid of sprites? + +[Footnote 1: Cydaria is of the same fearful temper with Dollallolla. + + I never durst in darkness be alone. + --_Indian Emperor_. +] + +_King_. Oh, Dollallolla! do not blame my love! +I hop'd the fumes of last night's punch had laid +Thy lovely eyelids fast.--But, oh! I find +There is no power in drams to quiet wives; +Each morn, as the returning sun, they wake, +And shine upon their husbands. + +_Queen_. Think, oh think! +What a surprise it must be to the sun, +Rising, to find the vanish'd world away. +What less can be the wretched wife's surprise +When, stretching out her arms to fold thee fast, +She found her useless bolster in her arms. +[1] Think, think, on that.--Oh! think, think well on that. +I do remember also to have read +[2] In Dryden's Ovid's Metamorphoses, +That Jove in form inanimate did lie +With beauteous Danae: and, trust me, love, +[3] I fear'd the bolster might have been a Jove. + +[Footnote 1: + Think well of this, think that, think every way.--_Sophon_.] + +[Footnote 2: These quotations are more usual in the comick than in the +tragick writers.] + +[Footnote 3: "This distress," says Mr D--, "I must allow to be +extremely beautiful, and tends to heighten the virtuous character of +Dollallolla, who is so exceeding delicate, that she is in the highest +apprehension from the inanimate embrace of a bolster. An example +worthy of imitation for all our writers of tragedy."] + +_King_. Come to my arms, most virtuous of thy sex! +Oh, Dollallolla! were all wives like thee, +So many husbands never had worn horns. +Should Huncamunca of thy worth partake, +Tom Thumb indeed were blest.--Oh, fatal name, +For didst thou know one quarter what I know, +Then would'st thou know--Alas! what thou would'st +know! + +_Queen_. What can I gather hence? Why dost thou speak +Like men who carry rareeshows about? +"Now you shall see, gentlemen, what you shall see." +O, tell me more, or thou hast told too much. + + + + +SCENE V.--KING, QUEEN, NOODLE. + + +_Nood_. Long life attend your majesties serene, +Great Arthur, king, and Dollallolla, queen! +Lord Grizzle, with a bold rebellious crowd, +Advances to the palace, threat'ning loud, +Unless the princess be deliver'd straight, +And the victorious Thumb, without his pate, +They are resolv'd to batter down the gate. + + + + +SCENE VI.--KING, QUEEN, HUNCAMUNCA, NOODLE. + + +_King_. See where the princess comes! Where is Tom Thumb? + +_Hunc_. Oh! sir, about an hour and half ago +He sallied out t' encounter with the foe, +And swore, unless his fate had him misled, +From Grizzle's shoulders to cut off his head, +And serve't up with your chocolate in bed. + +_King_. 'Tis well, I found one devil told us both. +Come, Dollallolla, Huncamunca, come; +Within we'll wait for the victorious Thumb; +In peace and safety we secure may stay, +While to his arm we trust the bloody fray; +Though men and giants should conspire with gods, +[1] He is alone equal to all these odds. + +[Footnote 1: + "Credat Judaeus Appella, + Non ego," + +says Mr D--. "For, passing over the absurdity of being equal to odds, +can we possibly suppose a little insignificant fellow--I say again, a +little insignificant fellow--able to vie with a strength which all the +Samsons and Herculeses of antiquity would be unable to encounter?" I +shall refer this incredulous critick to Mr Dryden's defence of his +Almanzor; and, lest that should not satisfy him, I shall quote a few +lines from the speech of a much braver fellow than Almanzor, Mr +Johnson's Achilles: + + Though human race rise in embattled hosts, + To force her from my arms--Oh! son of Atreus! + By that immortal pow'r, whose deathless spirit + Informs this earth, I will oppose them all.--_Victim_. +] + +_Queen_. He is, indeed,[1] a helmet to us all; +While he supports we need not fear to fall; +His arm despatches all things to our wish? +And serves up ev'ry foe's head in a dish. +Void is the mistress of the house of care, +While the good cook presents the bill of fare; +Whether the cod, that northern king of fish, +Or duck, or goose, or pig, adorn the dish, +No fears the number of her guests afford, +But at her hour she sees the dinner on the board. + +[Footnote 1: "I have heard of being supported by a staff," says Mr +D., "but never of being supported by a helmet." I believe he never +heard of sailing with wings, which he may read in no less a poet than +Mr Dryden: + + Unless we borrow wings, and sail through air. + --_Love Triumphant_. + +What will he say to a kneeling valley? + + ----I'll stand + Like a safe valley, that low bends the knee + To some aspiring mountain. --_Injured Love_. + +I am ashamed of so ignorant a carper, who doth not know that an +epithet in tragedy is very often no other than an expletive. Do not +we read in the New Sophonisba of "grinding chains, blue plagues, white +occasions, and blue serenity?" Nay, it is not the adjective only, but +sometimes half a sentence is put by way of expletive, as, "Beauty +pointed high with spirit," in the same play; and, "In the lap of +blessing, to be most curst," in the Revenge. +] + + + + +SCENE VII.--_Plain_.--GRIZZLE, FOODLE, Rebels. + + +_Griz_. Thus far our arms with victory are crown'd; +For, though we have not fought, yet we have found +[1] No enemy to fight withal. + +[Footnote 1: A victory like that of Almanzor: +Almanzor is victorious without fight.--_Conq. of Granada_. +] + +_Food_. Yet I, +Methinks, would willingly avoid this day, +[1] This first of April, to engage our foes. + +[Footnote 1: Well have we chose an happy day for fight; +For every man, in course of time, has found +Some days are lucky, some unfortunate.--_King Arthur_. +] + +_Griz_. This day, of all the days of th' year, I'd choose, +For on this day my grandmother was born. +Gods! I will make Tom Thumb an April-fool; +[1] Will teach his wit an errand it ne'er knew, +And send it post to the Elysian shades. + +[Footnote 1: We read of such another in Lee: +Teach his rude wit a flight she never made, +And send her post to the Elysian shade.--_Gloriana_. +] + +_Food_. I'm glad to find our army is so stout, +Nor does it move my wonder less than joy. + +_Griz_. [1] What friends we have, and how we came so strong, +I'll softly tell you as we march along. + +[Footnote 1: These lines are copied verbatim in the Indian Emperor.] + + + + +SCENE VIII.--_Thunder and Lightning_.--TOM THUMB, +GLUMDALCA, _cum suis_. + + +_Thumb_. Oh, Noodle! hast thou seen a day like this? +[1] The unborn thunder rumbles o'er our heads, +[2] As if the gods meant to unhinge the world, +And heaven and earth in wild confusion hurl; +Yet will I boldly tread the tott'ring ball. + +[Footnote 1: + Unborn thunder rolling in a cloud.--_Conq. of Granada_. +] + +[Footnote 2: + +Were heaven and earth in wild confusion hurl'd, +Should the rash gods unhinge the rolling world, +Undaunted would I tread the tott'ring ball, +Crush'd, but unconquer'd, in the dreadful fall. + --_Female Warrior_. +] + +_Merl_. Tom Thumb! + +_Thumb_. What voice is this I hear? + +_Merl_. Tom Thumb! + +_Thumb_. Again it calls. + +_Merl_. Tom Thumb! + +_Glum_. It calls again. + +_Thumb_. Appear, whoe'er thou art; I fear thee not. + +_Merl_. Thou hast no cause to fear--I am thy friend, +Merlin by name, a conjuror by trade, +And to my art thou dost thy being owe. + +_Thumb_. How! + +_Merl_. Hear, then, the mystick getting of Tom Thumb. + + [1] His father was a ploughman plain, + His mother milk'd the cow; + And yet the way to get a son + This couple knew not how, + Until such time the good old man + To learned Merlin goes, + And there to him, in great distress, + In secret manner shows + How in his heart he wish'd to have + A child, in time to come, + To be his heir, though it may be + No bigger than his thumb: + Of which old Merlin was foretold + That he his wish should have; + And so a son of stature small + The charmer to him gave. + +Thou'st heard the past--look up and see the future. + +[Footnote 1: See the History of Tom Thumb, page 2.] + +_Thumb_. [1] Lost in amazement's gulf, my senses sink; +See there, Glumdalca, see another [2] me! + +[Footnote 1: + Amazement swallows up my sense, + And in the impetuous whirl of circling fate + Drinks down my reason.--_Persian Princess_. +] + +[Footnote 2: + I have outfaced myself. + What! am I two? Is there another me?--_King Arthur_. +] + +_Glum_. Oh, sight of horror! see, you are devour'd +By the expanded jaws of a red cow. + +_Merl_. Let not these sights deter thy noble mind, +[1] For, lo! a sight more glorious courts thy eyes. +See from afar a theatre arise; +There ages, yet unborn, shall tribute pay +To the heroick actions of this day; +Then buskin tragedy at length shall chuse +Thy name the best supporter of her muse. + +[Footnote 1: The character of Merlin is wonderful throughout; but most +so in this prophetick part. We find several of these prophecies in the +tragick authors, who frequently take this opportunity to pay a +compliment to their country, and sometimes to their prince. None but +our author (who seems to have detested the least appearance of +flattery) would have past by such an opportunity of being a political +prophet.] + +_Thumb_. Enough: let every warlike musick sound, +We fall contented, if we fall renown'd. + + + + +SCENE IX.--LORD GRIZZLE, FOODLE, Rebels, _on one +side_; TOM THUMB, GLUMDALCA, _on the other_. + +_Food_. At length the enemy advances nigh, +[1] I hear them with my ear, and see them with my eye. + +[Footnote 1: + I saw the villain, Myron; with these eyes I saw him. + --_Busiris_. + +In both which places it is intimated that it is sometimes possible to +see with other eyes than your own. +] + +_Griz_. Draw all your swords: for liberty we fight, +[1] And liberty the mustard is of life. + +[Footnote 1: "This mustard," says Mr D., "is enough to turn one's +stomach. I would be glad to know what idea the author had in his head +when he wrote it." This will be, I believe, best explained by a line +of Mr Dennis: + + And gave him liberty, the salt of life.--_Liberty Asserted_. + +The understanding that can digest the one will not rise at the other.] + + +_Thumb_. Are you the man whom men famed Grizzle name? + +_Griz_. [1] Are you the much more famed Tom Thumb? + +[Footnote 1: + _Han_. Are you the chief whom men famed Scipio call? + _Scip_. Are you the much more famous Hannibal? + --_Hannibal_. +] + +_Thumb_. The same. + +_Griz_. Come on; our worth upon ourselves we'll prove; +For liberty I fight. + +_Thumb_. And I for love. + +[_A bloody engagement between the two armies here; drums beating, + trumpets sounding, thunder and lightning. They fight off and on + several times. Some fall_. GRIZ. _and_ GLUM. _remain_. + +_Glum_. Turn, coward, turn; nor from a woman fly. + +_Griz_. Away--thou art too ignoble for my arm. + +_Glum_. Have at thy heart. + +_Griz_. Nay, then I thrust at thine. + +_Glum_. You push too well; you've run me through the guts, +And I am dead. + +_Griz_. Then there's an end of one. + +Thumb_. When thou art dead, then there's an end of two, +[1] Villain. + +[Footnote 1: Dr. Young seems to have copied this engagement in his +Busiris: + +_Myr_. Villain! +_Mem_. Myron! +_Myr_. Rebel! +_Mem_. Myron! +_Myr_. Hell! +_Mem_. Mandane! +] + +_Griz_. Tom Thumb! + +_Thumb_. Rebel! + +_Griz_. Tom Thumb! + +_Thumb_. Hell! + +_Griz_. Huncamunca! + +_Thumb_. Thou hast it there. + +_Griz_. Too sure I feel it. + +_Thumb_. To hell then, like a rebel as you are, +And give my service to the rebels there. + +_Griz_. Triumph not, Thumb, nor think thou shalt enjoy, +Thy Huncamunca undisturb'd; I'll send +[1] My ghost to fetch her to the other world; +[2] It shall but bait at heaven, and then return. +[3] But, ha! I feel death rumbling in my brains: +[4] Some kinder sprite knocks softly at my soul, +And gently whispers it to haste away. +I come, I come, most willingly I come. +[5] So when some city wife, for country air, +To Hampstead or to Highgate does repair, +Her to make haste her husband does implore, +And cries, "My dear, the coach is at the door:" +With equal wish, desirous to be gone, +She gets into the coach, and then she cries--"Drive on!" + +[Footnote 1: This last speech of my lord Grizzle hath been of great +service to our poets: + + I'll hold it fast +As life, and when life's gone I'll hold this last; +And if thou tak'st it from me when I'm slain, +I'll send my ghost, and fetch it back again. + --_Conquest of Granada_. +] + +[Footnote 2: My soul should with such speed obey, + It should not bait at heaven to stop its way. + +Lee seems to have had this last in his eye: + +'Twas not my purpose, sir, to tarry there; +I would but go to heaven to take the air.--_Gloriana_. +] + +[Footnote 3: +A rising vapour rumbling in my brains.--_Cleomenes_. +] + +[Footnote 4: +Some kind sprite knocks softly at my soul, +To tell me fate's at hand. +] + +[Footnote 5: Mr Dryden seems to have had this simile in his eye, when he +says, + +My soul is packing up, and just on wing. + --_Conquest of Granada_. +] + +_Thumb_. With those last words [1] he vomited his soul, +Which, [2] like whipt cream, the devil will swallow down. +Bear off the body, and cut off the head, +Which I will to the king in triumph lug. +Rebellion's dead, and now I'll go to breakfast. + +[Footnote 1: And in a purple vomit pour'd his soul + --_Cleomenes_. +] + +[Footnote 2: The devil swallows vulgar souls Like whipt cream. + --_Sebastian_. +] + + + + +SCENE X.--KING, QUEEN, HUNCAMUNCA, Courtiers. + + +_King_. Open the prisons, set the wretched free, +And bid our treasurer disburse six pounds +To pay their debts.--Let no one weep to-day. +Come, Dollallolla; [1] curse that odious name! +It is so long, it asks an hour to speak it. +By heavens! I'll change it into Doll, or Loll, +Or any other civil monosyllable, + +That will not tire my tongue.--Come, sit thee down. +Here seated let us view the dancers' sports; +Bid 'em advance. This is the wedding-day +Of Princess Huncamunca and Tom Thumb; +Tom Thumb! who wins two victories [2] to-day, +And this way marches, bearing Grizzle's head. + + [_A dance here._ + +[Footnote 1: +How I could curs my name of Ptolemy! +It is so long, it asks an hour to write it, +By Heaven! I'll change it into Jove or Mars! +Or any other civil monosyllable, +That will not tire my hand. + --_Cleomenes_. +] + +[Footnote 2: Here is a visible conjunction of two days in one, by +which our author may have either intended an emblem of a wedding, or +to insinuate that men in the honey-moon are apt to imagine time +shorter than it is. It brings into my mind a passage in the comedy +called the Coffee-House Politician: + We will celebrate this day at my house to-morrow. +] + +[Illustration: The Death of Lord Grizzle.] + +_Nood_. Oh! monstrous, dreadful, terrible, oh! oh! +Deaf be my ears, for ever blind my eyes! +Dumb be my tongue! feet lame! all senses lost! +[1] Howl wolves, grunt bears, hiss snakes, shriek all ye 'ghosts! + +[Footnote 1: These beautiful phrases are all to be found in one single +speech of King Arthur, or the British Worthy.] + +_King_. What does the blockhead mean? + +_Nood_. I mean, my liege, +[1] Only to grace my tale with decent horror. +Whilst from my garret, twice two stories high, +I look'd abroad into the streets below, +I saw Tom Thumb attended by the mob; +Twice twenty shoe-boys, twice two dozen links, +Chairmen and porters, hackney-coachmen, whores; +Aloft he bore the grizly head of Grizzle; +When of a sudden through the streets there came +A cow, of larger than the usual size, +And in a moment--guess, oh! guess the rest!-- +And in a moment swallow'd up Tom Thumb. + +[Footnote 1: +I was but teaching him to grace his tale +With decent horror. --_Cleomenes_. +] + +_King_. Shut up again the prisons, bid my treasurer +Not give three farthings out-hang all the culprits, +Guilty or not--no matter.--Ravish virgins: +Go bid the schoolmasters whip all their boys! +Let lawyers, parsons, and physicians loose, +To rob, impose on, and to kill the world. + +_Nood_. Her majesty the queen is in a swoon. + +_Queen_. Not so much in a swoon but I have still +Strength to reward the messenger of ill news. + + [_Kills_ NOODLE. + +_Nood_. O! I am slain. + +_Cle_. My lover's kill'd, I will revenge him so. + [_Kills the_ QUEEN. + +_Hunc_. My mamma kill'd! vile murderess, beware. + [_Kills_ CLEORA. + +_Dood_. This for an old grudge to thy heart. + [_Kills_ HUNCAMUNCA. + +_Must_. And this +I drive to thine, O Doodle! for a new one. + [_Kills_ DOODLE. + +_King_. Ha! murderess vile, take that. [_Kills_ MUST. +[1] And take thou this. [_Kills himself, and falls_. +So when the child, whom nurse from danger guards, +Sends Jack for mustard with a pack of cards, +Kings, queens, and knaves, throw one another down, +Till the whole pack lies scatter'd and o'erthrown; +So all our pack upon the floor is cast, +And all I boast is--that I fall the last. [_Dies_. + +[Footnote 1: We may say with Dryden, + +Death did at length so many slain forget, +And left the tale, and took them by the great. + +I know of no tragedy which comes nearer to this charming and bloody +catastrophe than Cleomenes, where the curtain covers five principal +characters dead on the stage. These lines too-- + +I ask no questions then, of who kill'd who? +The bodies tell the story as they lie-- + +seem to have belonged more properly to this scene of our author; nor +can I help imagining they were originally his, The Rival Ladies, too, +seem beholden to this scene: + +We're now a chain of lovers link'd in death; +Julia goes first, Gonsalvo hangs on her, +And Angelina hangs upon Gonsalvo, +As I on Angelina. + +No scene, I believe, ever received greater honours than this. It was +applauded by several encores, a word very unusual in tragedy. And it +was very difficult for the actors to escape without a second +slaughter. This I take to be a lively assurance of that fierce spirit +of liberty which remains among us, and which Mr Dryden, in his essay +on Dramatick Poetry, hath observed: "Whether custom," says he, "hath +so insinuated itself into our countrymen, or nature hath so formed +them to fierceness, I know not; but they will scarcely suffer combats +and other objects of horror to be taken from them." And indeed I am +for having them encouraged in this martial disposition; nor do I +believe our victories over the French have been owing to anything more +than to those bloody spectacles daily exhibited in our tragedies, of +which the French stage is so intirely clear. +] + + + + + * * * * * + + + + +PASQUIN; + +A DRAMATICK SATIRE ON THE TIMES + +BEING THE REHEARSAL OF TWO PLAYS: VIZ., + +A COMEDY CALLED + +THE ELECTION, + +AND A TRAGEDY CALLED + +THE LIFE AND DEATH OF +COMMON SENSE. + +FIRST ACTED IN APRIL 1736. + + +_DRAMATIS PERSONAe_. + +_Trapwit_, Author . . . . . . . . . Mr ROBERTS, +_Fustian_, Author . . . . . . . . . Mr LACY. +_Sneerwell_ (a critick) . . . . . . Mr MACHEN. + +Several Players and Prompter. + +PERSONS IN THE COMEDY. + +_Lord Place_, Candidate . . . . . Mrs CHARKE, +_Colonel Promise_, Candidate . . Mr FREEMAN, +_Sir Henry Fox-Chace_, Candidate . . Mr TOPHAM, +_Squire Tankard_, Candidate . . . Mr SMITH, +_Mayor_ . . . . . . . . . . . . . Mr JONES. +_Aldermen, Voters, &c_. +_Mrs Mayoress_ . . . . . . . . . Mrs EGERTON. +_Miss Mayoress_ . . . . . . . . . Miss J. JONES. +_Miss Stitch_ . . . . . . . . . . Miss BURGESS. +_Servants, Mob, &c_. + +PERSONS IN THE TRAGEDY. + +_Queen Common-Sense_ . . . . . . Mrs EGERTON. +_Queen Ignorance_ . . . . . . . . Mr STRENSHAM. +_Firebrand_ (Priest of the Sun) . Mr ROBERTS. +_Law_ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Mr YATES. +_Physick_ . . . . . . . . . . . . Mr JONES. +_Ghost of Tragedy_ . . . . . . . Mr PULLEN. +_Ghost of Comedy_ . . . . . . . . Mr JONES. +_Third Ghost_ . . . . . . . . . . Mr WALLIS. +_Harlequin_ . . . . . . . . . . . Mr PULLEN. +_Officer_ . . . . . . . . . . . . Mr PULLEN. +_Messenger_ . . . . . . . . . . . Mr WALLIS. +_Drummer_ . . . . . . . . . . . . Mr LOWDER. +_Attendants on Ignorance, Maids of Honour, &c_. + +SCENE, the Play-House. + + + + +ACT I. + +SCENE I.--_Enter several_ Players. + + +1 _Play_. When does the rehearsal begin? + +2 _Play_. I suppose we shall hardly rehearse the comedy this +morning, for the author was arrested as he was going home from King's +coffee-house; and, as I heard it was for upward of four pound, I +suppose he will hardly get bail. + +1 _Play_. Where's the tragedy-author then? I have a long part in +both, and it's past ten o'clock. + +_Wom. P_. Ay, I have a part in both too; I wish any one else had +them, for they are not seven lengths put together. I think it is very +hard a woman of my standing should have a short part put upon her. I +suppose Mrs Merit will have all our principal parts now, but I am +resolved I'll advertise against her. I'll let the town know how I am +injured. + +1 _Play_. Oh! here comes our tragedy-poet. + + +_Enter_ FUSTIAN. + +_Fust_. Gentlemen, your servant; ladies, yours. I should have +been here sooner, but I have been obliged, at their own requests, to +wait upon some half-dozen persons of the first quality with tickets: +upon my soul 1 have been chid for putting off my play so long. I hope +you are all quite perfect, for the town will positively stay for it +no longer. I think I may very well put upon the bills, _At the +particular desire of several ladles of quality_, the first night. + + +_Enter_ Prompter. + +_Promp_. Mr Fustian, we must defer the rehearsal of your +tragedy, for the gentleman who plays the first ghost is not yet up; +and when he is, he has got such a churchyard-cough he will not be +heard to the middle of the pit. + +1 _Play_. I wish you could cut the ghost out, sir, for I am +terribly afraid he'll be damned if you don't. + +_Fust_. Cut him out, sir? He is one of the most considerable +persons in the play. + +_Promp_. Then, sir, you must give the part to somebody else; for +the present is so lame he can hardly walk the stage. + +_Fust_. Then he shall be carried, for no man in England can act +a ghost like him. Sir, he was born a ghost--he was made for the +part--and the part writ for him. + +_Promp_. Well, sir, then we hope you will give us leave to +rehearse the comedy first. + +_Fust_. Ay, ay, you may rehearse it first, if you please, and +act it first too. If it keeps mine back above three nights, I am +mistaken. I don't know what friends the author may have; but if ever +such stuff, such damned, incoherent, senseless stuff, was ever +brought on any stage--if the audience suffer it to go through three +acts--Oh! he's here. + + +_Enter_ TRAPWIT. + +Dear Mr Trapwit! your most humble servant, sir; I read your comedy +over last night, and a most excellent one it is: if it runs as long +as it deserves you will engross the whole season to yourself. + +_Trap_. Sir, I am glad it met with your approbation, as there is +no man whose taste and judgment I have a better opinion of. But pray, +sir, why don't they proceed to the rehearsal of your tragedy? I +assure you, sir, I had much difficulty to get hither so early. + +2 _Play_. Yes, faith, I believe you had. [_Aside_. + +_Fust_. Sir, your comedy is to be rehearsed first. + +_Trap_. Excuse me, sir, I know the deference due to tragedy +better. + +_Fust_. Sir, I would not have you think I give up the cause of +tragedy; but my ghost, being ill, sir, cannot get up without danger, +and I would not risque the life of my ghost on any account. + +_Trap_. You are in the right on't, sir; for a ghost is the soul +of tragedy. + +_Fust_. Ay, sir, I think it is not amiss to remind people of +those things which they are now-a-days too apt to disbelieve; +besides, we have lately had an act against witches, and I don't +question but shortly we shall have one against ghosts. But come, Mr +Trapwit, as we are for this once to give the precedence to comedy, +e'en let us begin. + +_Trap_. Ay, ay, with all my heart. Come, come, where's the +gentleman who speaks the prologue? This prologue, Mr Fustian, was +given me by a friend, who does not care to own it till he tries +whether it succeeds or no. + + +_Enter_ Player _for the Prologue_. + +Come, sir, make a very low bow to the audience; and shew as much +concern as possible in your looks. + + PROLOGUE. + + As crafty lawyers, to acquire applause, + Try various arts to get a doubtful cause; + Or, as a dancing master in a jigg, + With various steps instructs the dancing prig; + Or as a doctor writes you different bills; + Or as a quack prescribes you different pills; + Or as a fiddler plays more tunes than one; + Or as a baker bakes more bread than brown; + Or as a tumbler tumbles up and down; + So does our author, rummaging his brain, + By various methods try to entertain; + Brings a strange groupe of characters before you, + And shews you here at once both Whig and Tory; + Or court and country party you may call 'em: + But without fear and favour he will maul 'em. + To you, then, mighty sages of the pit-- + +_Trap_. Oh! dear sir, seem a little more affected, I beseech +you; advance to the front of the stage, make a low bow, lay your hand +upon your heart, fetch a deep sigh, and pull out your handkerchief: +To you, then, mighty sages of the pit-- + +_Prol_. To you, then, mighty sages of the pit, +Our author humbly does his cause submit. +He trys to please--oh! take it not amiss: +And though it should be dull, oh! do not hiss; +Laugh, if you can--if you cannot laugh, weep: +When you can wake no longer--fall asleep. + +_Trap_. Very well! very well, sir! You have affected me, I am +sure. + +_Fust_. And so he will the audience, I'll answer for them. + +_Trap_. Oh, sir, you're too good-natured; but, sir, I do assure +you I had writ a much better prologue of my own; but, as this came +gratis, have reserved it for my next play--a prologue saved is a +prologue got, brother Fustian. But come, where are your actors? Is +Mr Mayor and the Aldermen at the table? + +_Promp_. Yes, sir; but they want wine, and we can get none from +the quaker's cellar without ready money. + +_Trap_. Rat him! can't he trust till the third night? Here, +take sixpence, and fetch two pots of porter, put it into bottles, and +it will do for wine well enough. + +_Fust_. Ay, faith, and the wine will be as good as the wit, I'll +answer for it. [_Aside_. + +_Trap_. Mr Fustian, you'll observe I do not begin this play, +like most of our modern comedies, with three or four gentlemen who +are brought on only to talk wit; for, to tell you the truth, sir, I +have very little, if any, wit in this play. No, sir, this is a play +consisting of humour, nature, and simplicity. It is written, sir, in +the exact and true spirit of Moliere: and this I will say for it, +that, except about a dozen, or a score or so, there is not one impure +joke in it. But come, clear the stage, and draw the back scene! Mr +Fustian, if you please to sit down by me. + + [Mayor _and_ Aldermen _discovered_. + +_Fust_. Pray, sir, who are these characters? + +_Trap_. Sir, they are Mr Mayor of the town and his brethren, +consulting about the election. + +_Fust_. Are they all of a side, sir? + +_Trap_. Yes, sir, as yet; for you must know, sir, that all the +men in this borough are very sensible people, and have no party +principles for which they cannot give a good reason; Mr Mayor, you +begin the play. + +_May_. Gentlemen, I have summoned you together to consider of +proper representatives for this borough: you know the candidates on +the court side are my lord Place and colonel Promise; the country +candidates are Sir Henry Fox-chace and squire Tankard; all worthy +gentlemen, and I wish with all my heart we could chuse them all four. + +1 _Ald_. But since we cannot, Mr Mayor, I think we should stand +by our neighbours; gentlemen whose honesty we are witnesses of, and +whose estates in our own neighbourhood render 'em not liable to be +bribed. + +_Fust_. This gentleman, Mr Trapwit, does not seem so unbiassed +in his principles as you represented him. + +_Trap_. Pugh, sir! you must have one fool in a play; beside, I +only writ him to set off the rest. + +_May_. Mr Alderman, you have a narrow way of thinking; honesty +is not confined to a country; a man that lives a hundred miles off +may be as honest as him who lives but three. + +_Ald_. Ay, ay, ay, ay. [_Shaking their heads_. + +_May_. Besides, gentlemen, are we not more obliged to a +foreigner for the favours he does us than to one of our own +neighbours who has obligations to us? I believe, gentlemen, there is +not one of us who does not eat and drink with Sir Harry at least +twenty times in a twelvemonth; now, for my part, I never saw or heard +of either my lord or the colonel till within this fortnight; and yet +they are as obliging, and civil and familiar, as if we had been born +and bred together. + +1 _Ald_. Nay, they are very civil, well-bred men, that is the +truth on't; but won't they bring a standing army upon us? + +_May_. Mr Alderman, you are deceived; the country party will +bring a standing army upon us; whereas, if we chuse my lord and the +colonel, we shan't have a soldier in town. But, mum! here are my lord +and the colonel. + + +_Enter_ Lord PLACE _and_ Col. PROMISE. + +_Place_. Gentlemen, your most humble servant; I have brought the +colonel to take a morning's whet with you. + +_May_. Your lordship and the colonel do us great honour; pray, +my lord, be pleased to sit down; pray, colonel, be pleased to +sit. More wine here. + +_Fust_. I wish, Mr Trapwit, your actors don't get drunk in the +first act. + +_Trap_. Dear sir, don't interrupt the rehearsal. + +_Place_. Gentlemen, prosperity to the corporation! + +_Fust_. Sir, I am a well-wisher to the corporation, and, if you +please, will pledge his lordship:--success to your comedy, Mr +Trapwit. [_Drinks_. + +_Trap_. Give me a glass--sir, here's to your tragedy. Now, +pray, no more interruption; for this scene is one continual joke, and +if you open your lips in it you will break the thread of the jest. + +_May_. My lord, we are sensible of your great power to serve +this corporation, and we do not doubt but we shall feel the effect +on't. + +_Place_. Gentlemen, you may depend on me; I shall do all in my +power. I shall do you some services which are not proper at present +to mention to you; in the meantime, Mr Mayor, give me leave to +squeeze you by the hand, in assurance of my sincerity. + +_Trap_. You, Mr, that act my lord, bribe a little more openly, +if you please, or the audience will lose that joke, and it is one of +the strongest in my whole play. + +_Place_. Sir, I cannot possibly do it better at the table. + +_Trap_. Then get all up, and come forward to the front of the +stage. Now, you gentlemen that act the mayor and aldermen, range +yourselves in a line; and you, my lord and the colonel, come to one +end and bribe away with right and left. + +_Fust_. Is this wit, Mr Trapwit? + +_Trap_. Yes, sir, it is wit; and such wit as will run all over +the kingdom. + +_Fust_. But, methinks, colonel Promise, as you call him, is but +ill-named; for he is a man of very few words. + +_Trap_. You'll be of another opinion before the play is over; at +present his hands are too full of business; and you may remember, +sir, I before told you this is none of your plays wherein much is +said and nothing done. Gentlemen, are you all bribed? + +_Omnes_. Yes, sir. + +_Trap_. Then, my lord and the colonel, you must go off, and +make room for the other candidates to come on and bribe too. + [_Exeunt_ PLACE _and_ PROMISE. + +_Fust_. Is there nothing but bribery in this play of yours, Mr +Trapwit? + +_Trap_. Sir, this play is an exact representation of nature; I +hope the audience will date the time of action before the bill of +bribery and corruption took place; and then I believe it may go down; +but now, Mr Fustian, I shall shew you the art of a writer, which is, +to diversify his matter, and do the same thing several ways. You must +know, sir, I distinguish bribery into two kinds, the direct and the +indirect: the first you have seen already; and now, sir, I shall give +you a small specimen of the other. Prompter, call Sir Harry and the +squire. But, gentlemen, what are you doing? How often shall I tell +you that the moment the candidates are gone out you are to retire to +the table, and drink and look wise; you, Mr Mayor, ought to look very +wise. + +_Fust_. You'll take care he shall talk foolish enough, I'll +warrant you. [_Aside_. + +_May_. Come, here's a round to my lord and the colonel's health; +a Place and a Promise, I say; they may talk of the pride of +courtiers, but I am sure I never had a civiller squeeze by the hand +in my life. + +_Trap_. Ay, you have squeezed that out pretty well: but shew the +gold at these words, sir, if you please. + +_May_. I have none. + +_Trap_. Pray, Mr Prompter, take care to get some counters +against it is acted. + +_Fust_. Ha, ha, ha! upon my word the courtiers have topt their +part; the actor has outdone the author; this bribing with an empty +hand is quite in the character of a courtier. + +_Trap_. Come, enter Sir Harry and the squire. Where are they? + +I _Play_. Sir, Mr Soundwell has been regularly summoned, but he +has refused to act the part. + +_Trap_. Has he been writ to? + +I _Play_. Yes, sir, and here's his answer. + +_Trap_. Let both the letters be produced before the +audience. Pray, Mr Prompter, who shall we have to act the part? + +I _Play_. Sir, I like the part so well that I have studied it in +the hope of some time playing it. + +_Trap_. You are an exceeding pretty young fellow, and I am very +glad of the exchange. + +_Sir H_. Halloo, hark forwards: hark, honest Ned, good-morrow to +you; how dost, Master Mayor? What, you are driving it about merrily +this morning? Come, come, sit down; the squire and I will take a pot +with you. Come, Mr Mayor, here's--liberty and property and no excise. + +_May_. Sir Harry, your health. + +_Sir H_. What, won't you pledge me? Won't you drink no excise? + +_May_. I don't love party healths, Sir Harry. + +_All Ald_. No, no; no party healths, no party healths. + +_Sir H_. Say ye so, gentlemen? I begin to smoke you; your pulses +have been felt, I perceive: and will you be bribed to sell your +country? Where do you think these courtiers get the money they bribe +you with, but from yourselves? Do you think a man who will give a +bribe won't take one? If you would be served faithfully, you must +choose faithfully, and give your vote on no consideration but merit; +for my part, I would as soon suborn an evidence at an assize as a +vote at an election. + +_May_. I do believe you, Sir Harry. + +_Sir H_. Mr Mayor, I hope you received those three bucks I sent +you, and that they were good. + +_May_. Sir Harry, I thank you for them; but 'tis so long since I +eat them that I have forgot the taste. + +_Sir H_. We'll try to revive it--I'll order you three more +to-morrow morning. + +_May_. You will surfeit us with venison: you will indeed; for it +is a dry meat, Sir Harry, a very dry meat. + +_Sir H_. We'll find a way to moisten it, I'll warrant you, if +there be any wine in town. Mr Alderman Stitch, your bill is too +reasonable; you certainly must lose by it: send me in half a dozen +more greatcoats, pray; my servants are the dirtiest dogs! Mr Damask, +I believe you are afraid to trust me, by those few yards of silk you +sent my wife; she likes the pattern so extremely she is resolved to +hang her rooms with it; pray let me have a hundred yards of it; I +shall want more of you. Mr Timber, and you, Mr Iron, I shall get into +your books too. + +_Fust_. Would not that getting into books have been more in the +character of the courtier, Mr Trapwit? + +_Trap_. Go on, go on, sir. + +_Sir H_. That gentleman interrupts one so.--Oh, now I +remember--Mr Timber, and you Mr Iron, I shall get into your books +too; though if I do, I assure you I won't continue in them long. + +_Trap_. Now, sir, would it have been more in the character of a +courtier? But you are like all our modern criticks, who damn a man +before they have heard a man out; when, if they would but stay till +the joke came-- + +_Fust_. They would stay to hear your last words, I believe. + [_Aside_. + +_Sir H_. For you must know, gentlemen, that I intend to pull +down my old house, and build a new one. + +_Trap_. Pray, gentlemen, observe all to start at the word +_house_. Sir Harry, that last speech again, pray. + +_Sir H_. For you, &c.----Mr Mayor, I must have all my bricks of +you. + +_May_. And do you intend to rebuild your house, Sir Harry? + +_Sir H_. Positively. + +_May_. Gentlemen, methinks Sir Harry's toast stands still; will +nobody drink liberty and property, and no excise? + [_They all drink and huzza_. + +_Sir H_. Give me thy hand, mayor; I hate bribery and corruption: +if this corporation will not suffer itself to be bribed, there shall +not be a poor man in it. + +_May_. And he that will, deserves to be poor; for my part, the +world should not bribe me to vote against my conscience. + +_Trap_. Do you take that joke, sir? + +_Fust_. No, faith, sir. + +_Trap_. Why, how can a man vote against his conscience who has +no conscience at all? + +_1 Ald_. Come, gentlemen, here's a Fox-chace and a Tankard! + +_Omnes_. A Fox-chace and a Tankard! huzza! + +_Sir H_. Come, let's have one turn in the marketplace, and then +we'll to dinner. + +_May_. Let's fill the air with our repeated cries Of liberty, +and property, and no excise. + + [_Exeunt_ Mayor _and_ Aldermen. + +_Trap_. How do you like that couplet, sir? + +_Fust_. Oh! very fine, sir! + +_Trap_. This is the end of the first act, sir. + +_Fust_. I cannot but observe, Mr Trapwit, how nicely you have +opposed squire Tankard to colonel Promise; neither of whom have yet +uttered one syllable. + +_Trap_. Why, you would not have every man a speaker, would you? +One of a side is sufficient; and let me tell you, sir, one is full +enough to utter all that the party has to say for itself. + +_Fust_. Methinks, sir, you should let the audience know they can +speak, if it were but an _ay_ or a _no_. + +_Trap_. Sir, the audience must know that already; for if they +could not say _ay_ and _no_, they would not be qualified +for candidates. + +_Fust_. Oh! your humble servant, I am answered; but pray, sir, +what is the action of this play? + +_Trap_. The action, sir? + +_Fust_. Yes, sir, the fable, the design? + +_Trap_. Oh! you ask who is to be married? Why, sir, I have a +marriage; I hope you think I understand the laws of comedy better +than to write without marrying somebody. + +_Fust_. But is that the main design to which everything +conduces? + +_Trap_. Yes, sir. + +_Fust_. Faith, sir, I can't for the soul of me see how what has +hitherto past can conduce at all to that end. + +_Trap_. You can't? indeed, I believe you can't; for that is the +whole plot of my play: and do you think I am like your shallow +writers of comedy, who publish the bans of marriage between all the +couples in their play in the first act? No, sir, I defy you to guess +my couple till the thing is done, slap all at once; and that too by +an incident arising from the main business of the play, and to which +everything conduces. + +_Fust_. That will, indeed, surprise me. + +_Trap_. Sir, you are not the first man my writings have +surprised. But what's become of all our players?--Here, who begins +the second act?--Prompter! + + +_Enter_ 1st Player. + +_I Play_. Sir, the prompter and most of the players are drinking +tea in the green-room. + +_Trap_. Mr Fustian, shall we drink a dish of tea with them? +Come, sir, as you have a part in my play, you shall drink a dish with +us. + +_I Play_. Sir, I dare not go into the green-room; my salary is +not high enough: I shall be forfeited if I go in there. + +_Trap_. Pshaw! come along; your sister has merit enough for +herself and you too: if they forfeit you, I'll warrant she'll take it +off again. + + + + +ACT II. + +SCENE I.--_Enter_ TRAPWIT, FUSTIAN, Prompter, Lord PLACE, Mrs and +Miss Mayoress. + + +_Trap_. I am afraid, Mr Fustian, you have hitherto suspected +that I was a dabbler in low comedy; now, sir, you shall see some +scenes of politeness and fine conversation among the ladies. Come, my +lord, come, begin. + +_Place_. Pray, Mrs Mayoress, what do you think this lace cost a +yard? + +_Fust_. A very pretty beginning of polite conversation, truly. + +_Trap_. Sir, in this play I keep exactly up to nature, nor is +there anything said in this scene that I have not heard come out of +the mouths of the finest people of the age. Sir, this scene has cost +me ten shillings in chair-hire, to keep the best company, as it is +called. + +_Mrs M_. Indeed, my lord, I cannot guess it at less than ten +pounds a yard. + +_Place_. Pray, madam, was you at the last ridotto? + +_Fust_. Ridotto! the devil! a country mayoress at a ridotto! +Sure, that is out of character, Mr Trapwit! + +_Trap_. Sir, a conversation of this nature cannot be earned on +without these helps; besides, sir, this country mayoress, as you call +her, may be allowed to know something of the town; for you must know, +sir, that she has been woman to a woman of quality. + +_Fust_. I am glad to hear that. + +_Mrs M_. Oh, my lord! mention not those dear ridottos to me, who +have been confined these twelve long months in the country; where we +have no entertainment but a set of hideous strolling players; nor +have I seen any one human creature till your lordship came to +town. Heaven send us a controverted election! then I shall go to +that dear delightful place once more. + +_Miss M_. Yes, mama, and then we shall see Faribelly, the +strange man-woman that they say is with child; and the fine pictures +of Merlin's cave at the playhouses; and the rope-dancing and the +tumbling. + +_Fust_. By miss's taste I believe she has been bred up under a +woman of quality too. + +_Place_. I cannot but with pleasure observe, madam, the polite +taste miss shows in her choice of entertainments; I dare swear she +will be much admired in the beau monde, and I don't question but will +be soon taken into keeping by some man of quality. + +_Miss M_. Keeping, my lord? + +_Place_. Ay, that surprize looks well enough in one so young, +that does not know the world; but, miss, every one now keeps and is +kept; there are no such things as marriages now-a-days, unless merely +Smithfield contracts, and that for the support of families; but then +the husband and wife both take into keeping within a fortnight. + +_Mrs M_. My lord, I would have my girl act like other young +ladies; but she does not know any men of quality, who shall introduce +her to 'em? + +_Place_. That, madam, must be your part; you must take a house +and see company; in a little while you may keep an assembly, and play +at cards as high as you can; and almost all the money that is won +must be put into the box, which you must call _paying for the +cards_; though it is indeed paying for your candles, your cloaths, +your lodgings, and, in short, everything you have. I know some +persons who make a very considerable figure in town, whose whole +estate lies in their card-box. + +_Mrs M_. And have I been so long contented to be the wife of a +poor country tradesman, when I might have had all this happiness? + +_Fust_. How comes this lady, Mr Trapwit, considering her +education, to be so ignorant of all these things? + +_Trap_. 'Gad, that's true; I had forgot her education, faith, +when I writ that speech; it's a fault I sometimes fall into--a man +ought to have the memory of a devil to remember every little thing; +but come, go on, go on--I'll alter it by and by. + +_Place_. Indeed, madam, it is a miserable state of life; I hope +we shall have no such people as tradesmen shortly; I can't see any +use they are of: if I am chose, I'll bring in a bill to extirpate all +trade out of the nation. + +_Mrs M_. Yes, my lord, that would do very well amongst people of +quality who don't want money. + +_Fust_. Again! Sure Mrs Mayoress knows very little of people of +quality, considering she has lived amongst them. + +_Trap_. Lord, sir, you are so troublesome. Then she has not +lived amongst people of quality, she has lived where I please; but +suppose we should suppose she had been woman to a lady of quality, +may we not also suppose she was turned away in a fortnight, and then +what could she know, sir? Go on, go on. + +_Place_. Alack-a-day, madam, when I mention trade, I only mean +low, dull, mechanick trade, such as the canaille practise; there are +several trades reputable enough, which people of fashion may +practise; such as gaming, intriguing, voting, and running in debt. + +_Trap_. Come, enter a servant, and whisper my lord. +[_Enter a_ Servant.] Pray, sir, mind your cue of entrance. + [_Exit_ Servant. + +_Place_. Ladies, a particular affair obliges me to lose so good +company. I am your most obedient servant. + [_Exit_. + +_Mrs M_. He is a prodigious fine gentleman. + +_Miss M_. But must I go into keeping, mama? + +_Mrs M_. Child, you must do what's in fashion. + +_Miss M_. But I have heard that's a naughty thing. + +_Mrs M_. That can't be if your betters do it; people are +punished for doing naughty things, but people of quality are never +punished; therefore they never do any naughty things. + +_Fust_. An admirable syllogism, and quite in character. + +_Trap_. Pshaw, dear sir! don't trouble me with character; it's a +good thing; and if it's a good thing, what signifies who says +it?--Come, enter the mayor drunk. + + +_Enter_ Mayor. + +_May_. Liberty and property, and no excise, wife. + +_Mrs M_. Ah! filthy beast, come not near me. + +_May_. But I will, though; I am for liberty and property; I'll +vote for no courtiers, wife. + +_Mrs M_. Indeed, but you shall, sir. + +_Miss M_. I hope you won't vote for a nasty stinking Tory, papa. + +_May_. What a pox! are you for the courtiers too? + +_Miss M_. Yes, I hope I am a friend to my country; I am not for +bringing in the pope. + +_May_. No, nor I an't for a standing army. + +_Mrs M_. But I am for a standing army, sir; a standing army is a +good thing: you pretend to be afraid of your liberties and your +properties--you are afraid of your wives and daughters: I love to see +soldiers in the town; and you may say what you will, I know the town +loses nothing by 'em. + +_May_. The women don't, I believe. + +_Mrs M_. And I'll have you know, the women's wants shall be +considered, as well as yours. I think my lord and the colonel do you +too much honour in offering to represent such a set of clownish, +dirty, beggarly animals--Ah! I wish we women were to choose. + +_May_. Ay, we should have a fine set of members then, indeed. + +_Mrs M_. Yes, sir, you would have none but pretty +gentlemen--there should not be one man in the House of Commons without +a laced coat. + +_Miss M_. O la! what a delicate, fine, charming sight that would +be! Well, I like a laced coat; and if ever I am taken into keeping, +it shall be by a man in a laced coat. + +_May_. What's that you say, minx? What's that you say? + +_Mrs M_. What's that to you, sir? + +_May_. Why, madam, must not I speak to my own daughter? + +_Mrs M_. You have the greater obligation to me, sir, if she is: +I am sure, if I had thought you would have endeavoured to ruin your +family, I would have seen you hanged before you should have had any +by me. + +_May_. I ruin my family! + +_Mrs M_. Yes, I have been making your fortune for you with my +lord; I have got a place for you, but you won't accept on't. + +_Miss M_. You shall accept on't. + +_Mrs M_. You shall vote for my lord and the colonel. + +_Miss M_. They are the finest men-- + +_Mrs M_. The prettiest men-- + +_Miss M_. The sweetest men-- + +_Mrs M_. And you shall vote for them. + +_May_. I won't be bribed. + +_Mrs M_. A place is no bribe--ask the parson of the parish if a +place is a bribe. + +_May_. What is the place? + +_Mrs M_. I don't know what the place is, nor my lord does not +know what it is, but it is a great swingeing place. + +_May_. I will have the place first. I won't take a bribe, I will +have the place first; liberty and property! I'll have the place +first. [_Exit_. + +_Mrs M_. Come, my dear, follow me; I'll see whether he shall +vote according to his conscience or mine. + + I'll teach mankind, while policy they boast, + They bear the name of power, we rule the roast. + +_Trap_. There ends act the second. [_Exeunt_ Mrs _and_ +Miss Mayoress.] Mr Fustian, I inculcate a particular moral at the end +of every act; and therefore, might have put a particular motto before +every one, as the author of Caesar in Egypt has done: thus, sir, my +first act sweetly sings, Bribe all; bribe all; and the second gives +you to Understand that we are all under petticoat-government; and my +third will--but you shall see. Enter my lord Place, colonel Promise, +and several voters. My lord, you begin the third act. + + +_Enter_ Lord PLACE, Col. PROMISE, and _several_ Voters. + +_Place_. Gentlemen, be assured I will take care of you all; you +shall all be provided for as fast as possible; the customs and the +excise afford a great number of places. + +1 _Voter_. Could not your lordship provide for me at court? + +_Place_. Nothing easier: what sort of a place would you like? + +1 _Voter_. Is not there a sort of employment, sir, +called--beef-eating?--If your lordship please to make me a +beef-eater--I would have a place fitted for my capacity. + +_Place_. Sir, I will be sure to remember you. + +2 _Voter_. My lord, I should like a place at court too; I don't +much care what it is, provided I wear fine cloaths, and have +something to do in the kitchen or the cellar; I own I should like the +cellar, for I am a devilish lover of sack. + +_Place_. Sack, say you? Odso, you shall be poet-laureat. + +2 _Voter_. Poet! no, my lord, I am no poet, I can't make verses. + +_Place_. No matter for that--you'll be able to make odes. + +2 _Voter_. Odes, my lord! what are those? + +_Place_. Faith, sir, I can't tell well what they are; but I know +you may be qualified for the place without being a poet. + +_Trap_. Now, my lord, do you file off, and talk apart with your +people; and let the colonel advance. + +_Fust_. Ay, faith, I think it is high time for the colonel to be +heard. + +_Col_. Depend upon it, sir; I'll serve you. + +_Fust_. Upon my word the colonel begins very well; but has not +that been said already? + +_Trap_. Ay, and if I was to bring a hundred courtiers into my +play, they should all say it--none of them do it. + +3 _Voter_. An't please your honour, I have read in a book called +Fog's Journal that your honour's men are to be made of wax; now, sir, +I have served my time to a wax-work maker, and desire to make your +honour's regiment. + +_CoL_ Sir, you may depend on me. + +3 _Voter_. Are your officers to be made of wax too, sir? because +I would prepare a finer sort for them. + +_CoL_ No, none but the chaplain. + +3 _Voter_. O! I have a most delicate piece of black wax for him. + +_Trap_. You see, sir, the colonel can speak when military +affairs are on the carpet. Hitherto, Mr Fustian, the play has gone on +in great tranquillity; now you shall see a scene of a more turbulent +nature. Come, enter the mob of both sides, and cudgel one another +off the stage. Colonel, as your business is not to fight at present, +I beg you would go off before the battle comes on; you and your +brother candidate come into the middle of the stage; you voters range +yourselves under your several leaders. [_The mob attempt to break +in_.] Pray, gentlemen, keep back; mind, the colonel's going off is +the cue for the battle to enter. Now, my lord, and the colonel, you +are at the head of your parties--but hold, hold, hold! you +beef-eater, go you behind my lord, if you please; and you +soldier-maker, come you behind the colonel: now, gentlemen, speak. + +_Place_ and _Col_ Gentlemen, we'll serve you. + [_My lord and the colonel flle off at + different doors, the parties following_. + + +_Enter mob on each side of the stage, crying out promiscuously_. +Down with the Rump! No courtiers! No Jacobites! Down with the pope! +No excise! A Place and a Promise! A Fox-chace and a Tankard! _At +last they fall together by the ears, and cudgel one another off the +stage_. + + +_Enter_ Sir HARRY, Squire TANKARD, _and_ Mayor. + +_Sir H_. Bravely done, my boys, bravely done; faith, our party +has got the day. + +_May_. Ay, Sir Harry, at dry blows we always come off well; if +we could but disband the army, I warrant we carried all our +points. But faith, sir, I have fought a hard battle on your account; +the other side have secured my wife; my lord has promised her a +place, but I am not to be gulled in that manner: I may be taken like +a fish in the water, by a bait; but not like the dog in the water, by +a shadow. + +_Sir H_. I know you are an honest man, and love your country. + +_May_. Faith, that I do, Sir Harry, as well as any man; if my +country will but let me live by it, that's all I desire. + +_Fust_. Mr Mayor seems to have got himself sober very suddenly. + +_Trap_. Yes, so would you too, I believe, if you had been +scolded at by your wife as long as he has; but if you think that is +not reason enough, he may be drunk still, for any reason I see to the +contrary: pray, sir, act this scene as if you was drunk. + +_Fust_. Nay, I must confess, I think it quite out of character +the mayor to be once sober during the whole election. + +_Tank_. [_drunk_.] A man that won't get drunk for his +country is a rascal. + +_May_. So he is, noble squire; there's no honesty in a man that +won't be drunk--A man that won't drink is an enemy to the trade of +the nation. + +_Sir H_. Those were glorious days when honest English +hospitality flourished; when a country gentleman could afford to make +his neighbours drunk, before your damned French fashions were brought +over. Why, Mr Mayor, would you think it? there are many of these +courtiers who have six starved footmen behind a coach, and not half a +hogshead of wine in their house; why, how do you think all the money +is spent? + +_May_. Faith, I can't tell. + +_Sir H_. Why, in houses, pictures, lace, embroidery, nick-nacks, +Italian singers, and French tumblers; and those who vote for them +will never get a dinner of them after the election is over. + +_May_. But there is a thought comes often into my head, which is +this; if these courtiers be turned out, who shall succeed them? + +_Sir H_. Who? why, we! + +_Tank_. Ay, we! + +_Sir H_. And then we may provide for our friends. I love my +country, but I don't know why I may not get something by it as well +as another; at least to reimburse me.--And I do assure you, though I +have not bribed a single vote, my election will stand me in a good +five thousand pounds. + +_Tank_. Ay, and so will mine me: but if ever we should get +uppermost, Sir Harry, I insist upon immediately paying off the debts +of the nation. + +_Sir H_. Mr Tankard, that shall be done with all convenient +speed. + +_Tank_. I'll have no delay in it, sir. + +_May_. There spoke the spirit of a true Englishman: ah! I love +to hear the squire speak; he will be a great honour to his country in +foreign parts. + +_Sir H_. Our friends stay for us at the tavern; we'll go and +talk more over a bottle. + +_Tank_. With all my heart; but I will pay off the debts of the +nation. + +_May_. Come to the tavern then:-- + There, while brisk wine improves our conversation, + We at our pleasure will reform the nation. + +_Trap_. There ends act the third. + + [_Exeunt_ Sir HARRY, TANKARD, _and_ Mayor. + +_Fust_. Pray, sir, what's the moral of this act? + +_Trap_. And you really don't know? + +_Fust_. No, really. + +_Trap_. Then I really will not tell you; but come, sir, since +you cannot find that out, I'll try whether you can find out the plot; +for now it is just going to begin to open, it will require a very +close attention, I assure you; and the devil take me if I give you +any assistance. + +_Fust_. Is not the fourth act a little too late to open the +plot, Mr Trapwit? + +_Trap_. Sir, 'tis an error on the right side: I have known a +plot open in the first act, and the audience, and the poet too, +forget it before the third was over: now, sir, I am not willing to +burden either the audience's memory or my own; for they may forget +all that is hitherto past, and know full as much of the plot as if +they remembered it. + +_Promp_. Call Mr Mayor, Mrs Mayoress, and Miss. + + +_Enter_ Mayor, Mrs _and_ Miss Mayoress. + +_Mrs M_. Oh! have I found you at last, sir? I have been hunting +for you this hour. + +_May_. Faith, my dear, I wish you had found me sooner; I have +been drinking to the good old cause with Sir Harry and the squire: +you would have been heartily welcome to all the company. + +_Mrs M_. Sir, I shall keep no such company; I shall converse +with no clowns or country squires. + +_Miss M_. My mama will converse with no Jacobites. + +_May_. But, my dear, I have some news for you; I have got a place +for myself now. + +_Mrs M_. O ho! then you will vote for my lord at last? + +_May_. No, my dear; Sir Harry is to give me a place. + +_Mrs M_. A place in his dog-kennel? + +_May_. No, 'tis such a one as you never could have got me from +my lord; I am to be made an embassador. + +_Mrs M_. What, is Sir Harry going to change sides then, that he +is to have all this interest? + +_May_. No, but the sides are going to be changed; and Sir Harry +is to be--I don't know what to call him, not I--some very great man; +and as soon as he is a very great man I am to be made an embassador +of. + +_Mrs M_. Made an ass of! Will you never learn of me that a bird +in the hand is worth two in the bush? + +_May_. Yes, but I can't find that you had the bird in hand; if +that had been the case I don't know what I might have done; but I am +sure any man's promise is as good as a courtier's. + +_Mrs M_. Look'ye, Mr Embassador that is to be; will you vote as +I would have you or no? I am weary of arguing with a fool any longer; +so, sir, I tell you you must vote for my lord and the colonel, or +I'll make the house too hot to hold you; I'll see whether my poor +family is to be ruined because you have whims. + +_Miss M_. I know he is a Jacobite in his heart. + +_Mrs M_. What signifies what he is in his heart? have not a +hundred, whom everybody knows to be as great Jacobites as he, acted +like very good whigs? What has a man's heart to do with his lips? I +don't trouble my head with what he thinks; I only desire him to vote. + +_Miss M_. I am sure mama is a very reasonable woman. + +_Mrs M_. Yes, I am too reasonable a woman, and have used gentle +methods too long; but I'll try others. + + [_Goes to a corner of the stage and takes a stick_. + +_May_. Nay, then, liberty and property, and no excise! + [_Runs off_. + +_Mrs M_. I'll excise you, you villain! [_Runs after him_. + +_Miss M_. Hey ho! I wish somebody were here now. Would the man +that I love best in the world were here, that I might use him like a +dog! + +_Fust_. Is not that a very odd wish, Mr Trapwit? + +_Trap_. No, sir; don't all the young ladies in plays use all +their lovers so? Should we not lose half the best scenes in our +comedies else? + +_Promp_. Pray, gentlemen, don't disturb the rehearsal so: where +is this servant? [_Enter_ Servant.] Why don't you mind your cue? + +_Serv_. Oh, ay, dog's my cue. Madam, here's Miss Stitch, the +taylor's daughter, come to wait on you. + +_Miss M_. Shew her in. What can the impertinent flirt want with +me? She knows I hate her too for being of the other party: however, +I'll be as civil to her as I can. [_Enter_ Miss STITCH.] Dear +miss! your servant; this is an unexpected favour. + +_Miss S_. I am sure, madam, you have no reason to say so; for, +though we are of different parties, I have always coveted your +acquaintance. I can't see why people may not keep their principles to +themselves. + [_Aside_. + +_Miss M_. Pray, miss, sit down. Well, have you any news in town? + +_Miss S_. I don't know, my dear, for I have not been out these +three days; and I have been employed all that time in reading one of +the "Craftsmen:" 'tis a very pretty one; I have almost got it by +heart. + +_Miss M_. [_Aside_.] Saucy flirt! she might have spared +that to me when she knows that I hate the paper. + +_Miss S_. But I ask your pardon, my dear; I know you never read +it. + +_Miss M_. No, madam, I have enough to do to read the "Daily +Gazetteer." My father has six of 'em sent him every week for nothing: +they are very pretty papers, and I wish you would read them, miss. + +_Miss S_. Fie upon you! how can you read what's writ by an old +woman? + +_Miss M_. An old woman, miss? + +_Miss S_. Yes, miss, by Mrs Osborne. Nay, it is in vain to deny +it to me. + +_Miss M_. I desire, madam, we may discourse no longer on this +subject; for we shall never agree on it. + +_Miss S_. Well, then, pray let me ask you seriously--are you +thoroughly satisfied with this peace? + +_Miss M_. Yes, madam, and I think you ought to be so too. + +_Miss S_. I should like it well enough if I were sure the queen +of Spain was to be trusted. + +_Miss M. [Rising.]_ Pray miss, none of your insinuations against +the queen of Spain. + +_Miss S_. Don't be in a passion, madam. + +_Miss M_. Yes, madam, but I will be in a passion, when the +interest of my country is at stake. + +_Miss S. [Rising.]_ Perhaps, madam, I have a heart as warm in +the interest of my country as you can have; though I pay money for +the papers I read, and that's more than you can say. + +_Miss M_. Miss, miss, my papers are paid for too by somebody, +though I don't pay for them; I don't suppose the old woman, as you +call her, sends 'em about at her own expence; but I'd have you to +know, miss, I value my money as little as you in my country's cause; +and rather than have no army, I would part with every farthing of +these sixteen shillings to maintain it. + +_Miss S_. And if my sweetheart was to vote for the colonel, +though I like this fan of all the fans I ever saw in my life, I would +tear it all to pieces, because it was his Valentine's gift to me. Oh, +heavens! I have torn my fan; I would not have torn my fan for the +world! Oh! my poor dear fan! I wish all parties were at the devil, +for I am sure I shall never get a fan by them. + +_Miss M_. Notwithstanding all you have said, madam, I should be +a brute not to pity you under this calamity: comfort yourself, child, +I have a fan the exact fellow to it; if you bring your sweetheart +over to vote for the colonel you shall have it. + +_Miss S_. And can I sell my country for a fan? What's my +country to me? I shall never get a fan by it. And will you give it me +for nothing? + +_Miss M_. I'll make you a free present of it. + +_Miss S_. I am ashamed of your conquest, but I'll take the fan. + +_Miss M_. And now, my dear, we'll go and drink a dish of tea +together. + And let all parties blame me if they can, Who're bribed by honours + trifling as a fan. + + [_Exeunt_ Misses. + +_Trap_. There ends act the fourth. If you want to know the moral +of this, the devil must be in you. Faith, this incident of the fan +struck me so strongly that I was once going to call this comedy by +the name of The Fan. But come, now for act the fifth. + +_Promp_. Sir, the player who is to begin it is just stepped +aside on some business; he begs you would stay a few minutes for him. + +_Trap_. Come, Fustian, you and I will step into the green-room, +and chat with the actresses meanwhile. + +_Fust_. But don't you think these girls improper persons to talk +of parties? + +_Trap_. Sir, I assure you it is not out of nature: and I have +often heard these affairs canvast by men who had not one whit more +understanding than these girls. + + [_Exeunt_. + + + + +ACT III. + +SCENE I.--Enter TRAPWIT, FUSTIAN, and SNEERWELL. + + +_Trap_. Fie upon't, fie upon't! make no excuses. + +_Sneer_. Consider, sir, I am my own enemy. + +_Trap_. I do consider that you might have past your time, +perhaps, here as well as in another place. + +_Sneer_. But I hope I have not transgressed much. + +_Trap_. All's over, sir, all's over; you might as well have +stayed away entirely; the fifth act's beginning, and the plot's at an +end. + +_Sneer_. What!'s the plot at an end before the fifth act is +begun? + +_Trap_. No, no, no, no, I don't mean at an end; + +but we are so far advanced in it that it will be impossible for you +to comprehend or understand anything of it. + +_Fust_. You have too mean an opinion of Mr Sneerwell's +capacity; I'll engage he shall understand as much of it as I, who +have heard the other four. + +_Trap_. Sir, I can't help your want of understanding or +apprehension; 'tis not my fault if you cannot take a hint, sir: would +you have a catastrophe in every act? Oons and the devil! have not I +promised you you should know all by and by? but you are so impatient! + +_Fust_. I think you have no reason to complain of my want of +patience. Mr Sneerwell, be easy; 'tis but one short act before my +tragedy begins; and that I hope will make you amends for what you are +to undergo before it. Trapwit, I wish you would begin. + +_Trap_. I wish so too. Come, prompter! are the members in their +chairs? + +_Promp_. Yes, sir. + +_Trap_. Then carry them over the stage: but, hold, hold, hold! +where is the woman to strew the flowers? [_The members are carried +over the stage_.] Halloo, mob, halloo, halloo! Oons, Mr Prompter! +you must get more mob to halloo, or these gentlemen will never be +believed to have had the majority. + +_Promp_. Sir, I can get no more mob; all the rest of the mob are +gone to St James's-park to see the show. + +_Sneer_. Pray, Mr Trapwit, who are these gentlemen in the +chairs? + +_Trap_. Ay, sir, this is your staying away so long; if you had +been here the first four acts you would have known who they were. + +_Fust_. Dear Sneerwell, ask him no more questions; if you +enquire into every absurdity you see we shall have no tragedy to-day. + +_Trap_. Come, Mr Mayor and Mrs Mayoress. + + +_Enter_ Mayor _and_ Mrs Mayoress. + +_May_. So, now you have undone yourself your own way; you have +made me vote against my conscience and interest too, and now I have +lost both parties. + +_Mrs M_. How have you lost both parties? + +_May_. Why, my lord will never remember my voting for him, now +he has lost the day; and Sir Harry, who has won it, will never +forgive my voting against him: let which side will be uppermost, I +shall have no place till the next election. + +_Mrs M_. It will be your own fault then, sir; for you have it +now in your power to oblige my lord more than ever; go and return my +lord and the colonel as duly elected, and I warrant you I do your +business with him yet. + +_May_. Return 'em, my dear? Why, there was a majority of two or +three score against 'em. + +_Mrs M_. A fig for a majority of two or three score! if there +had been a majority of as many hundreds, you'll never be called to an +account for returning them; and when you have returned 'em, you'll +have done all in your power. How can you expect that great men should +do anything to serve you if you stick at anything to serve them? + +_May_. My conscience boggles at this thing--but yet it is +impossible I should ever get anything by the other side. + +_Mrs M_. Ay, let that satisfy your conscience, that it is the +only way to get anything. + +_May_. Truly, I think it is. + +_Sneer_. I think, Mr Trapwit, interest would be a better word +there than conscience. + +_Trap_. Ay, interest or conscience, they are words of the same +meaning; but I think conscience rather politer of the two, and most +used at court. + +_Mrs M_. Besides, it will do a service to your town, for half of +them must be carried to London at the candidates' expence; and I dare +swear there is not one of them, whatever side he votes of, but would +be glad to put the candidate to as much expence as he can in an +honest way. [_Exit_ Mayor. + + +_Enter_ Miss Mayoress, _crying_. + +_Miss M_. Oh, mama, I have grieved myself to death at the court +party's losing the day; for if the others should have a majority in +the house, what would become of us? alas, we should not go to London! + +_Mrs M_. Dry up your tears, my dear, all will be well; your +father shall return my lord and the colonel, and we shall have a +controverted election, and we will go to London, my dear. + +_Miss M_. Shall we go to London? then I am easy; but if we had +staid here I should have broke my heart for the love of my +country.--Since my father returns them, I hope justice will find some +friends above, where people have sense enough to know the right side +from the left; however, happen what will, there is some consolation +in going to London. + +_Mrs M_. But I hope you have considered well what my lord told +you, that you will not scruple going into keeping: perhaps, you will +have it in your power to serve your family, and it would be a great +sin not to do all you can for your family. + +_Miss M_. I have dreamt of nothing but coaches and six, and +balls, and treats, and shows, and masquerades ever since. + +_Fust_. Dreamt, sir? why, I thought the time of your comedy had +been confined to the same day, Mr Trapwit? + +_Trap_. No, sir, it is not; but suppose it was, might she not +have taken an afternoon's nap? + +_Sneer_. Ay, or dreamt waking, as several people do. + + +_Enter_ Lord PLACE _and_ Col. PROMISE. + +_Place_. Madam, I am come to take my leave of you; I am very +sensible of my many obligations to you, and shall remember them till +the next election, when I will wait on you again; nay, I don't +question but we shall carry our point yet, though they have given us +the trouble of a petition. + +_Mrs M_. No, no, my lord, you are not yet reduced to that; I +have prevailed on my husband to return you and the colonel. + +_Place_. To return us, madam? + +_Mrs M_. Yes, my lord, as duly elected; and when we have +returned you so, it will be your own fault if you don't prove +yourself so. + +_Place_. Madam, this news has so transported my spirits, that I +fear some ill effect unless you instantly give me a dram. + +_Mrs M_. If your lordship please to walk with me into my closet, +I'll equip your lordship. [_Exit_. + +_Trap_. How do you like that dram, sir? + +_Sneer_. Oh! most excellent! + +_Fust_. I can't say so, unless I tasted it. + +_Trap_. Faith, sir, if it had not been for that dram my play had +been at an end. + +_Fust_. The devil take the dram with all my heart! + +_Trap_. Now, Mr Fustian, the plot, which has hitherto been only +carried on by hints, and opened itself like the infant spring by +small and imperceptible degrees to the audience, will display itself +like a ripe matron, in its full summer's bloom; and cannot, I think, +fail with its attractive charms, like a loadstone, to catch the +admiration of every one like a trap, and raise an applause like +thunder, till it makes the whole house like a hurricane. I must +desire a strict silence through this whole scene. Colonel, stand you +still on this side of the stage; and, miss, do you stand on the +opposite.--There, now look at each other. A long silence here. + +_Fust_. Pray, Mr Trapwit, is nobody ever to speak again? + +_Trap_. Oh! the devil! You have interrupted the scene; after all my +precautions the scene's destroyed; the best scene of silence that +ever was penned by man. Come, come, you may speak now; you may speak +as fast as you please. + +_Col_. Madam, the army is very much obliged to you for the zeal +you shew for it; me, it has made your slave for ever; nor can I ever +think of being happy unless you consent to marry me. + +_Miss M_. Ha! and can you be so generous to forgive all my ill +usage of you? + +_Fust_. What ill usage, Mr Trapwit? For, if I mistake not, this +is the first time these lovers spoke to one another. + +_Trap_. What ill usage, sir? a great deal, sir. + +_Fust_. When, sir? where, sir? + +_Trap_. Why, behind the scenes, sir. What, would you have +everything brought upon the stage? I intend to bring ours to the +dignity of the French stage; and I have Horace's advice on my +side. We have many things both said and done in our comedies which +might be better performed behind the scenes: the French, you know, +banish all cruelty from their stage; and I don't see why we should +bring on a lady in ours practising all manner of cruelty upon her +lover: besides, sir, we do not only produce it, but encourage it; for +I could name you some comedies, if I would, where a woman is brought +in for four acts together, behaving to a worthy man in a manner for +which she almost deserves to be hanged; and in the fifth, forsooth, +she is rewarded with him for a husband: now, sir, as I know this hits +some tastes, and am willing to oblige all, I have given every lady a +latitude of thinking mine has behaved in whatever manner she would +have her. + +_Sneer_. Well said, my little Trap! but pray let us have the +scene. + +_Trap_. Go on, miss, if you please. + +_Miss M_. I have struggled with myself to put you to so many +trials of your constancy; nay, perhaps have indulged myself a little +too far in the innocent liberties of abusing you, tormenting you, +coquetting, lying, and jilting; which as you are so good to forgive, +I do faithfully promise to make you all the amends in my power, by +making you a good wife. + +_Trap_. That single promise, sir, is more than any of my brother +authors had ever the grace to put into the mouth of any of their fine +ladies yet; so that the hero of a comedy is left in a much worse +condition than the villain of a tragedy, and I would choose rather to +be hanged with the one than married with the other. + +_Sneer_. Faith, Trapwit, without a jest, thou art in the right +on't. + +_Fust_. Go on, go on, dear sir, go on. + +_Col_. And can you be so generous, so great, so good? Oh! load +not thus my heart with obligations, lest it sink beneath its burden! +Oh! could I live a hundred thousand years, I never could repay the +bounty of that last speech! Oh! my paradise! + + Eternal honey drops from off your tongue! + And when you spoke, then Farinelli sung! + +_Trap_. Open your arms, miss, if you please; remember you are no +coquet now: how pretty this looks! don't it? [_Mimicking her_] +Let me have one of your best embraces, I desire: do it once more, +pray--There, there, that's pretty well; you must practise this +behind the scenes. + + [_Exeunt_ Miss M. _and_ Col.] + +_Sneer_. Are they gone to practice, now, Mr Trapwit? + +_Trap_. You're a joker, Mr Sneerwell; you're a joker. + + +_Enter_ Lord PLACE, Mayor, _and_ Mrs Mayoress. + +_Place_. I return you my hearty thanks, Mr Mayor, for this +return! and in return of the favour, I will certainly do you a very +good turn very shortly. + +_Fust_. I wish the audience don't do you an ill turn, +Mr Trapwit, for that last speech. + +_Sneer_. Yes, faith, I think I would cut out a turn or two. + +_Trap_. Sir, I'll sooner cut off an ear or two: sir, that's the +very best thing in the whole play. Come, enter the colonel and +Miss ------ married. + +_Sneer_. Upon my word, they have been very expeditious. + +_Trap_. Yes, sir; the parson understands his business, he has +plyed several years at the Fleet. + + +_Enter_ Col. PROMISE and Miss Mayoress. + +_Col. and Miss (kneeling)_. Sir, and madam, your blessing. + +_Mrs M_. and May. Ha! + +_Col_. Your daughter, sir and madam, has made me the happiest of +mankind. + +_Mrs M_. Colonel, you know you might have had my consent; why +did you choose to marry without it? However, I give you both my +blessing. + +_May_. And so do I. + +_Place_. Then call my brother candidates; we will spend this +night in feast and merriment. + +_Fust_. What has made these two parties so suddenly friends, +Mr Trapwit? + +_Trap_. What? why the marriage, sir; the usual reconciler at the +end of a comedy. I would not have concluded without every person on +the stage for the world. + +_Place_. Well, colonel, I see you are setting out for +life, and so I wish you a good journey. + And you, gallants, from what you've seen to-night, + If you are wrong, may set your judgments right; + Nor, like our misses, about bribing quarrel, + When better herring is in neither barrel. + +[_Manent_ FUST, TRAP _and_ SNEER.] + +_Trap_. Thus ends my play, sir. + +_Fust_. Pray, Mr Trapwit, how has the former part of it +conduced to this marriage? + +_Trap_. Why, sir, do you think the colonel would ever have had +her but on the prospect her father has from this election? + +_Sneer_. Ay, or to strengthen his interest with the returning +officer? + +_Trap_. Ay, sir, I was just going to say so. + +_Sneer_. But where's your epilogue? + +_Trap_. Faith, sir, I can't tell what I shall do for an +epilogue. + +_Sneer_. What I have you writ none? + +_Trap_. Yes, faith, I have writ one, but---- + +_Sneer_. But what? + +_Trap_. Faith, sir, I can get no one to speak it; the actresses +are so damn'd difficult to please. When first I writ it they would +not speak it, because there were not double-entendres enough in it; +upon which I went to Mr Watt's and borrowed all his plays; went +home, read over all the epilogues, and crammed it as full as +possible; and now, forsooth, it has too many in it. Oons! I think we +must get a pair of scales and weigh out a sufficient quantity of that +same. + +_Fust_. Come, come, Mr Trapwit, clear the stage, if you please. + +_Trap_. With all my heart; for I have overstayed my time +already; I am to read my play to-day to six different companies of +quality. + +_Fust_. You'll stay and see the tragedy rehearsed, I hope? + +_Trap_. Faith, sir, it is my great misfortune that I can't; I +deny myself a great pleasure, but cannot possibly stay--to hear such +damn'd stuff as I know it must be. + [_Aside_. + +_Sneer_. Nay, dear Trapwit, you shall not go. Consider, your +advice may be of some service to Mr Fustian; besides, he has stayed +the rehearsal of your play---- + +_Fust_. Yes, I have--and kept myself awake with much difficulty. + [_Aside_. + +_Trap_. Nay, nay, you know I can't refuse you--though I shall +certainly fall asleep in the first act. + [_Aside_. + +_Sneer_. If you'll let me know who your people of quality are, +I'll endeavour to bring you off. + +_Trap_. No, no, hang me if I tell you, ha, ha, ha! I know you +too well--But prithee, now, tell me, Fustian, how dost thou like my +play? dost think it will do? + +_Fust_. 'Tis my opinion it will. + +_Trap_. Give me a guinea, and I'll give you a crown a night as +long as it runs. + +_Sneer_. That's laying against yourself, Mr Trapwit. + +_Trap_. I love a hedge, sir. + +_Fust_. Before the rehearsal begins, gentlemen, I must beg your +opinion of my dedication: you know, a dedication is generally a bill +drawn for value therein contained; which value is a set of nauseous +fulsome compliments which my soul abhors and scorns; for I mortally +hate flattery, and therefore have carefully avoided it. + +_Sneer_. Yes, faith, a dedication without flattery will be worth +the seeing. + +_Fust_. Well, sir, you shall see it. Read it, dear Trapwit; I +hate to read my own works. + +_Trap_. [_Reads_.] "My lord, at a time when nonsense, +dullness, lewdness, and all manner of profaneness and immorality are +daily practised on the stage, I have prevailed on my modesty to offer +to your lordship's protection a piece which, if it has no merit to +recommend it, has at least no demerit to disgrace it; nor do I +question at this, when every one else is dull, you will be pleased to +find one exception to the number. + +"I cannot indeed help assuming to myself some little merit from the +applause which the town has so universally conferred upon me." + +_Fust_. That you know, Mr Sneer well, may be omitted, if it +should meet with any ill-natured opposition; for which reason, I +shall not print off my dedication till after the play is acted. + +_Trap_. [_Reads_.] "I might here indulge myself with a +delineation of your lordship's character; but as I abhor the least +imputation of flattery, and as I am certain your lordship is the only +person in this nation that does not love to hear your praises, I +shall be silent--only this give me leave to say, That you have more +wit, sense, learning, honour, and humanity, than all mankind put +together; and your person comprehends in it everything that is +beautiful; your air is everything that is graceful, your look +everything that is majestic, and your mind is a storehouse where +every virtue and every perfection are lodged: to pass by your +generosity, which is so great, so glorious, so diffusive, that like +the sun it eclipses, and makes stars of all your other virtues--I +could say more----" + +_Sneer_. Faith, sir, that's more than I could. + +_Trap_. "But shall commit a violence upon myself, and conclude +with assuring your lordship, that I am, my lord, your lordship's most +obedient, most devoted, most obsequious, and most obliged humble +servant." + +_Fust_. There you see it, sir, concise, and not fulsome. + +_Sneer_. Very true, sir, if you had said less it would not have +done. + +_Fust_. No, I think less would have been downright rude, +considering it was to a person of the first quality. + +_Sneer_. Prithee, Trap wit, let's see yours. + +_Trap_. I have none, sir. + +_Fust_. How, sir? no dedication? + +_Trap_. No, sir, for I have dedicated so many plays, and received +nothing for them, that I am resolved to trust no more; I'll let no +more flattery go out of my shop without being paid beforehand. + +_Fust_. Sir, flattery is so cheap, and every man of quality keeps +so many flatterers about him, that egad our trade is quite spoil'd; +but if I am not paid for this dedication, the next I write shall be a +satirical one; if they won't pay me for opening my mouth, I'll make +them pay me for shutting it. But since you have been so kind, +gentlemen, to like my dedication, I'll venture to let you see my +prologue. Sir, I beg the favour of you to repeat the prologue, if you +are perfect in it. [_To a_ Player.] + +_Play_. Sir, I'll do it to the best of my power. + +_Fust_. This prologue was writ by a friend. + +PROLOGUE. + +When Death's sharp scythe has mowed the hero down, +The muse again awakes him to renown; +She tells proud Fate that all her darts are vain, +And bids the hero live and strut about again: +Nor is she only able to restore, +But she can make what ne'er was made before; +Can search the realms of Fancy, and create +What never came into the brain of Fate. + +Forth from these realms, to entertain to-night, +She brings imaginary kings and queens to light, +Bids Common Sense in person mount the stage, +And Harlequin to storm in tragick rage. +Britons, attend; and decent reverence shew +To her, who made th' Athenian bosoms glow; +Whom the undaunted Romans could revere, +And who in Shakespeare's time was worshipp'd here: +If none of these can her success presage, +Your hearts at least a wonder may engage: +Oh I love her like her sister monsters of the age. + + +_Sneer_. Faith, sir, your friend has writ a very fine prologue. + +_Fust_. Do you think so? Why then, sir, I must assure you, that +friend is no other than myself. But come, now for the +tragedy. Gentlemen, I must desire you all to clear the stage, for I +have several scenes which I could wish it was as big again for. + + +2d Player _enters and whispers_ TRAPWIT. + +2 _Play_. Sir, a gentlewoman desires to speak to you. + +_Trap_. Is she in a chair? + +_2 Play_. No, sir, she is in a riding-hood, and says she has +brought you a clean shirt. [_Exit_. + +_Trap_. I'll come to her.--Mr Fustian, you must excuse me a +moment; a lady of quality hath sent to take some boxes. [_Exit_. + +_Promp_. Common Sense, sir, desires to speak with you in the +green-room. + +_Fust_. I'll wait upon her. + +_Sneer_. You ought, for it is the first message, I believe, you +ever received from her. [_Aside_. + [_Exeunt_ Fus. _and_ SNEER. + + +_Enter_ a Dancer. + +_Dane_. Look'e, Mr Prompter, I expect to dance first goddess; I +will not dance under Miss Minuet; I am sure I shew more to the +audience than any lady upon the stage. + +_Promp_. Madam, it is not my business. + +_Dane_. I don't know whose business it is; but I think the town +ought to be the judges of a dancer's merit; I am sure they are on my +side; and if I am not used better, I'll go to France; for now we have +got all their dancers away, perhaps they may be glad of some of ours. + +_Promp_. Heyday! what's the matter? + [_A noise within_. + + +_Enter_ Player. + +_Play_. The author and Common Sense are quarrelling in the +green-room. + +_Promp_. Nay, then, that's better worth seeing than +anything in the play. [_Exit_ Promp. + +_Danc_. Hang this play, and all plays; the dancers are the only +people that support the house; if it were not for us they might act +their Shakspeare to empty benches. + + + + +ACT IV. + +SCENE I.--_Enter_ FUSTIAN _and_ SNEERWELL. + + +_Fust_. These little things, Mr Sneerwell, will sometimes +happen. Indeed a poet undergoes a great deal before he comes to his +third night; first with the muses, who are humorous ladies, and must +be attended; for if they take it into their head at any time to go +abroad and leave you, you will pump your brain in vain: then, sir, +with the master of a playhouse to get it acted, whom you generally +follow a quarter of a year before you know whether he will receive it +or no; and then, perhaps, he tells you it won't do, and returns it to +you again, reserving the subject, and perhaps the name, which he +brings out in his next pantomime; but if he should receive the play, +then you must attend again to get it writ out into parts and +rehearsed. Well, sir, at last, the rehearsals begin; then, sir, begins +another scene of trouble with the actors, some of whom don't like +their parts, and all are continually plaguing you with alterations: at +length, after having waded through all these difficulties, his play +appears on the stage, where one man hisses out of resentment to the +author, a second out of dislike to the house, a third out of dislike +to the actor, a fourth out of dislike to the play, a fifth for the +joke sake, a sixth to keep all the rest in company. Enemies abuse him, +friends give him up, the play is damned, and the author goes to the +devil: so ends the farce. + +_Sneer_. The tragedy, rather, I think, Mr Fustian. But what's +become of Trapwit? + +_Fust_. Gone off, I suppose; I knew he would not stay; he is so +taken up with his own performances, that he has no time to attend any +others. But come, Prompter, will the tragedy never begin? + + +_Enter_ Prompter. + +_Promp_. Yes, sir, they are all ready; come, draw up the curtain. + + [FIREBRAND, LAW, _and_ PHYSICK _discovered_. + +_Sneer_. Pray, Mr Fustian, who are these personages? + +_Fust_. That in the middle, sir, is Firebrand, priest of the Sun; +he on the right represents Law, and he on the left Physick. + +_Fireb_. Avert these omens, ye auspicious stars! + +_Fust_. What omens? where the devil is the thunder and lightning! + +_Promp_. Why don't you let go the thunder there, and flash your +rosin? [_Thunder and lightning_. + +_Fust_. Now, sir, begin if you please. I desire, sir, you will +get a larger thunderbowl and two pennyworth more of lightning against +the representation. Now, sir, if you please. + +_Fireb_. Avert these omens, ye auspicious stars! +O Law! O Physick! As last, even late, +I offer'd sacred incense in the temple, +The temple shook--strange prodigies appeared; +A cat in boots did dance a rigadoon, +While a huge dog play'd on the violin; +And whilst I trembling at the altar stood, +Voices were heard i' th' air, and seem'd to say, +"Awake, my drowsy sons, and sleep no more." +They must mean something!-- + +_Law_. Certainly they must. +We have our omens too! The other day +A mighty deluge swam into our hall, +As if it meant to wash away the law: +Lawyers were forced to ride on porters' shoulders: +One, O prodigious omen! tumbled down, +And he and all his briefs were sous'd together. +Now, if I durst my sentiments declare, +I think it is not hard to guess the meaning. + +_Fireb_. Speak boldly; by the powers I serve, I swear +You speak in safety, even though you speak +Against the gods, provided that you speak +Not against priests. + +_Law_. What then can the powers +Mean by these omens, but to rouse us up +From the lethargick sway of Common Sense? +And well they urge, for while that drowsy queen +Maintains her empire, what becomes of us? + +_Phys_. My lord of Law, you speak my sentiments; +For though I wear the mask of loyalty, +And outward shew a reverence to the queen, +Yet in my heart I hate her: yes, by heaven, +She stops my proud ambition! keeps me down +When I would soar upon an eagle's wing, +And thence look down, and dose the world below. + +_Law_. Thou know'st, my lord of Physick, I had long +Been privileged by custom immemorial, +In tongues unknown, or rather none at all, +My edicts to deliver through the land; +When this proud queen, this Common Sense abridged +My power, and made me understood by all. + +_Phys_. My lord, there goes a rumour through the court +That you descended from a family +Related to the queen; Reason is said +T' have been the mighty founder of your house. + +_Law_. Perhaps so; but we have raised ourselves so high, +And shook this founder from us off so far, +We hardly deign to own from whence we came. + +_Fireb_. My lords of Law and Physick, I have heard +With perfect approbation all you've said: +And since I know you men of noble spirit, +And fit to undertake a glorious cause, +I will divulge myself: know, through this mask, +Which to impose on vulgar minds I wear, +I am an enemy to Common Sense; +But this not for Ambition's earthly cause, +But to enlarge the worship of the Sun; +To give his priests a just degree of power, +And more than half the profits of the land. +Oh! my good lord of Law, would'st thou assist, +In spite of Common Sense it may be done. + +_Law_. Propose the method. + +_Fireb_. Here, survey this list. +In it you'll find a certain set of names, +Whom well I know sure friends to Common Sense; +These it must be our care to represent +The greatest enemies to the gods and her. +But hush! the queen approaches. + + +_Enter_ Queen COMMON SENSE, _attended by two_ +Maids of Honour. + +_Fust_. What! but two maids of honour? + +_Promp_. Sir, a Jew carried off the other, but I shall be able to +pick up some more against the play is acted. + +_Q. C. S_. My lord of Law, I sent for you this morning; +I have a strange petition given to me. +Two men, it seems, have lately been at law +For an estate, which both of them have lost, +And their attorneys now divide between them. + +_Law_. Madam, these things will happen in the law. + +_Q. C. S_. Will they, my lord? then better we had none: +But I have also heard a sweet bird sing, +That men unable to discharge their debts +At a short warning, being sued for them, +Have, with both power and will their debts to pay, +Lain all their lives in prison for their costs. + +_Law_. That may, perhaps, be some poor person's case, +Too mean to entertain your royal ear. + +_Q. C. S_. My lord, while I am queen I shall not think +One man too mean or poor to be redress'd. +Moreover, lord, I am informed your laws +Are grown so large, and daily yet increase, +That the great age of old Methusalem +Would scarce suffice to read your statutes out. + +_Fireb_. Madam, a more important cause demands +Your royal care; strange omens have appear'd; +Sights have been seen, and voices have been heard, +The gods are angry, and must be appeas'd; +Nor do I know to that a readier way +Than by beginning to appease their priests, +Who groan for power, and cry out after honour. + +_Q. C. S_. The gods, indeed, have reason for their anger, +And sacrifices shall be offer'd to them; +But would you make 'em welcome, priest, be meek, +Be charitable, kind, nor dare affront +The Sun you worship, while yourselves prevent +That happiness to men you ask of him. + + +_Enter an_ Officer. + + +_Q. C. S_. What means this hasty message in your looks? + +_Offic_. Forgive me, madam, if my tongue declares +News for your sake, which most my heart abhors; +Queen Ignorance is landed in your realm, +With a vast power from Italy and France +Of singers, fidlers, tumblers, and rope-dancers. + +_Q. C. S_. Order our army instantly to get +Themselves in readiness; our self will head 'em. +My lords, you are concerned as well as we +T'oppose this foreign force, and we expect +You join us with your utmost levies straight. +Go, priest, and drive all frightful omens hence; +To fright the vulgar they are your pretence, +But sure the gods will side with Common Sense. + + [_Exit cum suis_. + +_Fireb_. They know their interest better; or at least +Their priests do for 'em, and themselves. Oh! lords, +This queen of Ignorance, whom you have heard +Just now described in such a horrid form, +Is the most gentle and most pious queen; +So fearful of the gods, that she believes +Whate'er their priests affirm. And by the Sun, +Faith is no faith if it falls short of that. +I'd be infallible; and that, I know, +Will ne'er be granted me by Common Sense: +Wherefore I do disclaim her, and will join +The cause of Ignorance. And now, my lords, +Each to his post. The rostrum I ascend; +My lord of Law, you to your courts repair; +And you, my good lord Physick, to the queen; +Handle her pulse, potion and pill her well. + +_Phys_. Oh! my good lord, had I her royal ear, +Would she but take the counsel I would give, +You'd need no foreign power to overthrow her: +Yes, by the gods! I would with one small pill +Unhinge her soul, and tear it from her body; +But to my art and me a deadly foe, +She has averr'd, ay, in the publick court, +That Water Gruel is the best physician; +For which, when she's forgiven by the college, +Or when we own the sway of Common Sense, +May we be forced to take our own prescriptions! + +_Fireb_. My lord of Physick, I applaud thy spirit. +Yes, by the Sun, my heart laughs loud within me, +To see how easily the world's deceived; +To see this Common Sense thus tumbled down +By men whom all the cheated nations own +To be the strongest pillars of her throne. + + [_Exeunt_ FIREB., LAW, _and_ PHYS. + +_Fust_. Thus ends the first act, sir. + +_Sneer_. This tragedy of yours, Mr Fustian, I observe to be +emblematical; do you think it will be understood by the audience? + +_Fust_. Sir, I cannot answer for the audience; though I think the +panegyrick intended by it is very plain and very seasonable. + +_Sneer_. What panegyrick? + +_Fust_. On our clergy, sir, at least the best of them, to shew +the difference between a heathen and a Christian priest. And, as I +have touched only on generals, I hope I shall not be thought to bring +anything improper on the stage, which I would carefully avoid. + +_Sneer_. But is not your satire on law and physick somewhat too +general? + +_Fust_. What is said here cannot hurt either an honest lawyer or a +good physician; and such may be, nay, I know such are: if the +opposites to these are the most general I cannot help that; as for the +professors themselves, I have no great reason to be their friend, for +they once joined in a particular conspiracy against me. + +_Sneer_. Ah, how so? + +_Fust_. Why, an apothecary brought me in a long bill, and a +lawyer made me pay it. + +_Sneer_. Ha, ha, ha! a conspiracy, indeed! + +_Fust_. Now, sir, for my second act; my tragedy consists but of +three. + +_Sneer_. I thought that had been immethodical in tragedy. + +_Fust_. That may be; but I spun it out as long as I could keep +Common Sense alive; ay, or even her ghost. Come, begin the second act. + +_The scene draws and discovers_ QUEEN COMMON SENSE _asleep_. + +_Sneer_. Pray, sir, who's that upon the couch there? + +_Fust_. I thought you had known her better, sir: that's Common +Sense asleep. + +_Sneer_. I should rather have expected her at the head of her +army. + +_Fust_. Very likely, but you do not understand the practical +rules of writing as well as I do; the first and greatest of which is +protraction, or the art of spinning, without which the matter of a +play would lose the chief property of all other matter, namely, +extension; and no play, sir, could possibly last longer than half an +hour. I perceive, Mr Sneerwell, you are one of those who would have no +character brought on but what is necessary to the business of the +play.--Nor I neither--But the business of the play, as I take it, is +to divert, and therefore every character that diverts is necessary to +the business of the play. + +_Sneer_. But how will the audience be brought to conceive any +probable reason for this sleep? + +_Fust_. Why, sir, she has been meditating on the +present general peace of Europe, till by too intense an +application, being not able thoroughly to comprehend +it, she was overpowered and fell fast asleep. Come, +ring up the first ghost. [_Ghost arises_.] You know +that ghost? + +_Sneer_. Upon my word, sir, I can't recollect any +acquaintance with him. + +_Fust_. I am surprized at that, for you must have +seen him often: that's the ghost of Tragedy, sir; he +has walked all the stages of London several years; +but why are not you floured?--What the devil is +become of the barber? + +_Ghost_. Sir, he's gone to Drury-lane playhouse to +shave the Sultan in the new entertainment. + +_Fust_. Come, Mr Ghost, pray begin. + +_Ghost_. From the dark regions of the realms below +The ghost of Tragedy has ridden post; +To tell thee, Common Sense, a thousand things, +Which do import thee nearly to attend: [_Cock crows_. +But, ha! the cursed cock has warn'd me hence; +I did set out too late, and therefore must +Leave all my business to some other time. + + [_Ghost descends_. + +_Sneer_. I presume this is a character necessary to divert; for I +can see no great business he has fulfilled. + +_Fust_. Where's the second ghost? + +_Sneer_. I thought the cock had crowed. + +_Fust_. Yes, but the second ghost need not be supposed to have +heard it. Pray, Mr Prompter, observe, the moment the first ghost +descends the second is to rise: they are like the twin stars in that. + + [2 _Ghost rises_. + +2 _Ghost_. Awake, great Common Sense, and sleep no more. +Look to thyself; for then, when I was slain, +Thyself was struck at; think not to survive +My murder long; for while thou art on earth, +The convocation will not meet again. +The lawyers cannot rob men of their rights; +Physicians cannot dose away their souls; +A courtier's promise will not be believed; +Nor broken citizens again be trusted. +A thousand newspapers cannot subsist +In which there is not any news at all. +Playhouses cannot flourish, while they dare +To nonsense give an entertainment's name. +Shakspeare, and Jonson, Dryden, Lee, and Rowe, +Thou wilt not bear to yield to Sadler's Wells; +Thou wilt not suffer men of wit to starve, +And fools, for only being fools, to thrive. +Thou wilt not suffer eunuchs to be hired +At a vast price, to be impertinent. + [3 _Ghost rises_. + +3 _Ghost_. Dear ghost, the cock has crow'd; you cannot get +Under the ground a mile before 'tis day. + +2 _Ghost_. Your humble servant then, I cannot stay. + [_Ghost descends_. + +_Fust_. Thunder and lightning! thunder and lightning! Pray don't +forget this when it is acted. + +_Sneer_. Pray, Mr Fustian, why must a ghost always rise in a +storm of thunder and lightning? for I have read much of that doctrine +and don't find any mention of such ornaments. + +_Fust_. That may be, but they are very necessary: they are indeed +properly the paraphernalia of a ghost. + +_Sneer_. But, pray, whose ghost was that? + +_Fust_. Whose should it be but Comedy's? I thought, when you had +been told the other was Tragedy, you would have wanted no intimation +who this was. Come, Common Sense, you are to awake and rub your eyes. + +_Q. C. S_. [_Waking_.] Who's there?-- + + +_Enter_ Maid of Honour. + +Did you not hear or see some wond'rous thing? + +_Maid_. No, may it please your majesty, I did not. + +_Q. C. S_. I was a-dream'd I overheard a ghost. + +_Maid_. In the next room I closely did attend, +And had a ghost been here I must have heard him. + + +_Enter_ FIREBRAND. + +_Q. C. S_. Priest of the Sun, you come most opportune, +For here has been a dreadful apparition: +As I lay sleeping on my couch, methought +I saw a ghost. + +_Sneer_. Then I suppose she sleeps with her eyes open. + +_Fust_. Why, you would not have Common Sense see a ghost, unless +in her sleep, I hope. + +_Fireb_. And if such toleration +Be suffer'd as at present you maintain, +Shortly your court will be a court of ghosts. +Make a huge fire and burn all unbelievers: +Ghosts will be hang'd ere venture near a fire. + +_Q. C. S_. Men cannot force belief upon themselves, +And shall I then by torture force it on them? + +_Fireb_. The Sun will have it so. + +_Q. C. S_. How do I know that? + +_Fireb_. Why I, his priest infallible, have told you. + +_Q. C. S_. How do I know you are infallible? + +_Fireb_. Ha! do you doubt it! nay, if you doubt that, +I will prove nothing. But my zeal inspires me, +And I will tell you, madam, you yourself +Are a most deadly enemy to the Sun; +And all his priests have greatest cause to wish +You had been never born. + +_Q. C. S_. Ha! sayest thou, priest? +Then know, I honour and adore the Sun: +And when I see his light, and feel his warmth, +I glow with flaming gratitude towards him; +But know, I never will adore a priest, +Who wears pride's face beneath religion's mask, +And makes a pick-lock of his piety +To steal away the liberty of mankind: +But while I live, I'll never give thee power. + +_Fireb_. Madam, our power is not derived from you, +Nor any one: 'twas sent us in a box +From the great Sun himself, and carriage paid: +Phaeton brought it when he overturn'd +The chariot of the Sun into the sea. + +_Q. C. S_. Shew me the instrument and let me read it. + +_Fireb_. Madam, you cannot read it, for, being thrown +Into the sea, the water has so damaged it +That none but priests could ever read it since. + +_Q. C. S_. And do you think I can believe this tale? + +_Fireb_. I order you to believe it, and you must. + +_Q. C. S_. Proud and imperious man, I can't believe it. +Religion, law, and physick, were design'd +By heaven the greatest blessings on mankind; +But priests, and lawyers, and physicians, made +These general goods to each a private trade; +With each they rob, with each they fill their purses, +And turn our benefits into our curses. [_Exit_. + +_Fust_. Law and Physick. Where's Law? + + +_Enter_ PHYSIC. + +_Phys_. Sir, Law, going without the playhouse passage, +was taken up by a lord chief-justice's warrant. + +_Fireb_. Then we must go on without him. + +_Fust_. No, no, stay a moment; I must get somebody +else to rehearse the part. Pox take all warrants for +me! if I had known this before I would have satirized +the law ten times more than I have. + + + + +ACT V. + +SCENE I.--_Enter_ FUSTIAN, SNEERWELL, Prompter, FIREBRAND, LAW, +PHYSICK. + + +_Fust_. I am glad you have made your escape; but I hope you will +make the matter up before the day of action: come, Mr Firebrand, now +if you please go on; the moment Common Sense goes off the stage Law +and Physick enter. + +_Fireb_. Oh! my good lords of Physick and of Law, +Had you been sooner here you would have heard +The haughty queen of Common Sense throw out +Abuses on us all. + +_Law_. I am not now +To learn the hatred which she bears to me. +No more of that--for now the warlike queen +Of Ignorance, attended with a train +Of foreigners, all foes to Common Sense, +Arrives at Covent-garden; and we ought +To join her instantly with all our force. +At Temple-bar some regiments parade; +The colonels, Clifford, Thavies, and Furnival, +Through Holborn lead their powers to Drury-lane, +Attorneys all compleatly armed in brass: +These, bailiffs and their followers will join, +With justices, and constables, and watchmen. + +_Phys_. In Warwick-lane my powers expect me now: +A hundred chariots with a chief in each, +Well-famed for slaughter, in his hand he bears +A feather'd dart that seldom errs in flight. +Next march a band of choice apothecaries, +Each arm'd with deadly pill; a regiment +Of surgeons terrible maintain the rear. +All ready first to kill, and then dissect. + +_Fireb_. My lords, you merit greatly of the queen, +And Ignorance shall well repay your deeds; +For I foretel that by her influence +Men shall be brought (what scarce can be believed) +To bribe you with large fees to their undoing. +Success attend your glorious enterprize; +I'll go and beg it earnest of the Sun: +I, by my office, am from fight debarr'd, +But I'll be with you ere the booty's shared. + + [_Exeunt_ FIREBRAND, LAW, _and_ PHYSICK + +_Fust_. Now, Mr Sneerwell, we shall begin my third and last act; +and I believe I may defy all the poets who have ever writ, or ever +will write, to produce its equal: it is, sir, so crammed with drums +and trumpets, thunder and lightning, battles and ghosts, that I +believe the audience will want no entertainment after it: it is as +full of shew as Merlin's cave itself; and for wit--no rope-dancing or +tumbling can come near it. Come, begin. + + [_A ridiculous march is played_. + + +_Enter_ Queen IGNORANCE, _attended with_ Singers, +Fidlers, Rope-dancers, Tumblers, &c. + +_Q. Ign_. Here fix our standard; what is this place called? + +1_Att_. Great madam, Covent-garden is its name. + +_Q. Ign_. Ha! then methinks we have ventured too far, +Too near those theatres where Common Sense +Maintains her garrisons of mighty force; +Who, should they sally on us ere we're joined +By Law and Physick, may offend us much. + + [_Drum beats within_. + +But ha! what means this drum? + +1_Att_. It beats a parley, not a point of war + + +_Enter_ HARLEQUIN. + +_Harl_. To you, great queen of Ignorance, I come +Embassador from the two theatres; +Who both congratulate you on your arrival; +And to convince you with what hearty meaning +They sue for your alliance, they have sent +Their choicest treasure here as hostages, +To be detain'd till you are well convinced +They're not less foes to Common Sense than you. + +_Q. Ign_. Where are the hostages? + +_Harl_. Madam, I have brought +A catalogue, and all therein shall be +Deliver'd to your order; but consider, +Oh mighty queen! they offer you their all; +And gladly for the least of these would give +Their poets and their actors in exchange. + +_Q. Ign_. Read the catalogue. + +_Harl_. [_Reads_.] "A tall man, and a tall woman, hired at a +vast price. A strong man exceeding dear. Two dogs that walk on their +hind legs only, and personate human creatures so well, they might be +mistaken for them. A human creature that personates a dog so well that +he might almost be taken for one. Two human cats. A most curious set +of puppies. A pair of pigeons. A set of rope-dancers and tumblers from +Sadler's-wells." + +_Q. Ign_. Enough, enough; and is it possible +That they can hold alliance with my friends +Of Sadler's-wells? then are they foes indeed +To Common Sense, and I'm indebted to 'em. +Take back their hostages, for they may need 'em; +And take this play, and bid 'em forthwith act it; +There is not in it either head or tail. + +_Harl_. Madam, they will most gratefully receive it. +The character you give would recommend it, +Though it had come from a less powerful hand. + +_Q. Ign_. The Modish Couple is its name; myself +Stood gossip to it, and I will support +This play against the town. + +_I Att_. Madam, the queen +Of Common Sense advances with her powers. + +_Q. Ign_. Draw up my men, I'll meet her as I ought; +This day shall end the long dispute between us. + + +_Enter_ Queen COMMON SENSE _with a_ Drummer. + +_Fust_. Hey-day! where's Common Sense's army? + +_Promp_. Sir, I have sent all over the town, and +could not get one soldier for her, except that poor +drummer, who was lately turned out of an Irish regiment. + +_Drum_. Upon my shoul but I have been a drummer +these twenty years, master, and have seen no wars yet; +and I was willing to learn a little of my trade before I +died. + +_Fust_. Hush, sirrah! don't you be witty; that is not +in your part. + +_Drum_. I don't know what is in my part, sir; but T +desire to have something in it; for I have been tired +of doing nothing a great while. + +_Fust_. Silence! + +_Q. C. S_. What is the reason, madam, that you bring +These hostile arms into my peaceful realm? + +_Q. Ign. To ease your subjects from that dire oppression +They groan beneath, which longer to support +Unable, they invited my redress. + +_Q. C. S_. And can my subjects then complain of wrong? +Base and ungrateful! what is their complaint? + +_Q. Ign_. They say you do impose a tax of thought +Upon their minds, which they're too weak to bear. + +_Q. C. S_. Wouldst thou from thinking then absolve mankind? + +_Q. Ign_. I would, for thinking only makes men wretched; +And happiness is still the lot of fools. +Why should a wise man wish to think, when thought +Still hurts his pride; in spite of all his art, +Malicious fortune, by a lucky train +Of accidents, shall still defeat his schemes, +And set the greatest blunderer above him. + +_Q. C. S_. Urgest thou that against me, which thyself +Has been the wicked cause of? Which thy power, +Thy artifice, thy favourites have done? +Could Common Sense bear universal sway, +No fool could ever possibly be great. + +_Q. Ign_. What is this folly, which you try to paint +In colours so detestable and black? +Is't not the general gift of fate to men? +And though some few may boast superior sense, +Are they not call'd odd fellows by the rest? +In any science, if this sense peep forth, +Shew men the truth, and strive to turn their steps +From ways wherein their gross forefathers err'd, +Is not the general cry against them straight? + +_Sneer_. This Ignorance, Mr Fustian, seems to know +a great deal. + +_Fust_. Yes, sir, she knows what she has seen so often; but you +find she mistakes the cause, and Common Sense can never beat it into +her. + +_Q. Ign_. Sense is the parent still of fear; the fox, +Wise beast, who knows the treachery of men, +Flies their society, and skulks in woods, +While the poor goose, in happiness and ease, +Fearless grows fat within its narrow coop, +And thinks the hand that feeds it is its friend; +Then yield thee, Common Sense, nor rashly dare +Try a vain combat with superior force. + +_Q. C. S_. Know, queen, I never will give up the cause +Of all these followers: when at the head +Of all these heroes I resign my right, +May my curst name be blotted from the earth! + +_Sneer_. Methinks, Common Sense, though, ought to give it up, +when she has no more to defend it. + +_Fust_. It does indeed look a little odd at present; but I'll get +her an army strong enough against its acted. Come, go on. + +_Q. Ign_. Then thus I hurl defiance at thy head. +Draw all your swords. + +_Q. C. S_. And, gentlemen, draw yours. + +_Q. Ign_. Fall on; have at thy heart. + + [_A fight_ + +_Q. C. S_. And have at thine. + +_Fust_. Oh, fie upon't, fie upon't! I never saw a worse battle in +all my life upon any stage. Pray, gentlemen, come some of you over to +the other side. + +_Sneer_. These are Swiss soldiers, I perceive, Mr Fustian; they +care not which side they fight of. + +_Fust_. Now, begin again, if you please, and fight away; pray +fight as if you were in earnest, gentlemen. [_They fight_.] +Oons, Mr Prompter! I fancy you hired these soldiers out of the trained +bands--they are afraid to fight even in jest. [_They fight +again_.] There, there--pretty well. I think, Mr Sneerwell, we have +made a shift to make out a good sort of a battle at last. + +_Sneer_. Indeed I cannot say I ever saw a better. + +_Fust_. You don't seem, Mr Sneerwell, to relish this battle +greatly. + +_Sneer_. I cannot profess myself the greatest admirer of this +part of tragedy; and I own my imagination can better conceive the idea +of a battle from a skilful relation of it than from such a +representation; for my mind is not able to enlarge the stage into a +vast plain, nor multiply half a score into several thousands. + +_Fust_. Oh; your humble servant! but if we write to please you +and half a dozen others, who will pay the charges of the house? Sir, +if the audience will be contented with a battle or two, instead of all +the raree-fine shows exhibited to them in what they call +entertainments---- + +_Sneer_. Pray, Mr Fustian, how came they to give the name of +entertainments to their pantomimical farces? + +_Fust_. Faith, sir, out of their peculiar modesty; intimating +that after the audience had been tired with the dull works of +Shakspeare, Jonson, Vanbrugh, and others, they are to be entertained +with one of these pantomimes, of which the master of the playhouse, +two or three painters, and half a score dancing-masters are the +compilers. What these entertainments are, I need not inform you, who +have seen 'em; but I have often wondered how it was possible for any +creature of human understanding, after having been diverted for three +hours with the production of a great genius, to sit for three more and +see a set of people running about the stage after one another, without +speaking one syllable, and playing several juggling tricks, which are +done at Fawks's after a much better manner; and for this, sir, the +town does not only pay additional prices, but loses several fine parts +of its best authors, which are cut out to make room for the said +farces. + +_Sneer_. 'Tis very true; and I have heard a hundred say the same +thing, who never failed being present at them. + +_Fust_. And while that happens, they will force any entertainment +upon the town they please, in spite of its teeth. [_Ghost of_ +COMMON SENSE _rises_.] Oons, and the devil, madam! what's the +meaning of this? You have left out a scene. Was ever such an absurdity +as for your ghost to appear before you are killed. + +_Q. C. S_. I ask pardon, sir; in the hurry of the battle I forgot +to come and kill myself. + +_Fust_. Well, let me wipe the flour off your face then. And now, +if you please, rehearse the scene; take care you don't make this +mistake any more though, for it would inevitably damn the play if you +should. Go to the corner of the scene, and come in as if you had lost +the battle. + +_Q. C. S_. Behold the ghost of Common Sense appears. + +_Fust_. 'Sdeath, madam, I tell you you are no ghost--you are not +killed. + +_Q. C. S_. Deserted and forlorn, where shall I fly. +The battle's lost, and so are all my friends. + + +_Enter a_ Poet. + +_Poet_. Madam, not so; still you have one friend left. + +_Q. C. S_. Why, what art thou? + +_Poet_. Madam, I am a poet. + +_Q. C. S_. Whoe'er thou art, if thou'rt a friend to misery, +Know Common Sense disclaims thee. + +_Poet_. I have been damn'd +Because I was your foe, and yet I still +Courted your friendship with my utmost art. + +_Q. C. S_. Fool! thou wert damn'd because thou didst pretend +Thyself my friend; for hadst thou boldly dared, +Like Hurlothrumbo, to deny me quite, +Or, like an opera or pantomime, +Profess'd the cause of Ignorance in publick, +Thou might'st have met with thy desired success; +But men can't bear even a pretence to me. + +_Poet_. Then take a ticket for my benefit night. + +_Q. C. S_. I will do more--for Common Sense will stay +Quite from your house, so may you not be damn'd. + +_Poet_. Ha! say'st thou? By my soul, a better play +Ne'er came upon a stage; but, since you dare +Contemn me thus, I'll dedicate my play +To Ignorance, and call her Common Sense: +Yes, I will dress her in your pomp, and swear +That Ignorance knows more than all the world. [_Exit_. + + +_Enter_ FIREBRAND. + +_Fireb_. Thanks to the Sun for this desired encounter. + +_Q. C. S_. Oh, priest! all's lost; our forces are o'erthrown-- +Some gasping lie, but most are run away. + +_Fireb_. I knew it all before, and told you too +The Sun has long been out of humour with you. + +_Q. C. S_. Dost thou, then, lay upon the Sun the faults +Of all those cowards who forsook my cause? + +_Fireb_. Those cowards all were most religious men: +And I beseech thee, Sun, to shine upon them. + +_Q. C. S_. Oh, impudence! and darest thou to my face?-- + +_Fireb_. Yes, I dare more; the Sun presents you this, + [_Stabs her_. +Which I, his faithful messenger, deliver. + +_Q. C. S_. Oh, traytor! thou hast murder'd Common Sense. +Farewel, vain world! to Ignorance I give thee, +Her leaden sceptre shall henceforward rule. +Now, priest, indulge thy wild ambitious thoughts; +Men shall embrace thy schemes, till thou hast drawn +All worship from the Sun upon thyself: +Henceforth all things shall topsy-turvy turn; +Physick shall kill, and Law enslave the world; +Cits shall turn beaus, and taste Italian songs, +While courtiers are stock-jobbing in the city. +Places requiring learning and great parts +Henceforth shall all be hustled in a hat, +And drawn by men deficient in them both. +Statesmen--but oh! cold death will let me say +No more--and you must guess _et caetera_. [_Dies_. + +_Fireb_. She's gone! but ha! it may beseem me ill +T' appear her murderer. I'll therefore lay +This dagger by her side; and that will be +Sufficient evidence, with a little money, +To make the coroner's inquest find self-murder. +I'll preach her funeral sermon, and deplore +Her loss with tears, praise her with all my art. +Good Ignorance will still believe it all. [_Exit_. + + +_Enter_ Queen IGNORANCE, &c. + +_Q. Ign_. Beat a retreat; the day is now our own; +The powers of Common Sense are all destroy'd; +Those that remain are fled away with her. +I wish, Mr Fustian, this speech be common sense. + +_Sneer_. How the devil should it, when she's dead? + +_Fust_. One would think so, when a cavil is made against the best +thing in the whole play; and I would willingly part with anything else +but those two lines. + +_Harl_. Behold! where welt'ring in her blood she lies. +I wish, sir, you would cut out that line, or alter it, if +you please. + +_Fust_. That's another line that I won't part with; +I would consent to cut out anything but the chief beauties of my play. + +_Harl_. Behold the bloody dagger by her side, +With which she did the deed. + +_Q. Ign_. 'Twas nobly done! +I envy her her exit, and will pay +All honours to her dust. Bear hence her body, +And let her lie in state in Goodman's fields. + + +_Enter_ Messenger. + +_Mess_. Madam, I come an envoy from Crane-court. +The great society that there assemble +Congratulate your victory, and request +That firm alliance henceforth may subsist +Between your majesty's society +Of Grub-street and themselves: they rather beg +That they may be united both in one. +They also hope your majesty's acceptance +Of certain curiosities, which in +That hamper are contain'd, wherein you'll find +A horse's tail, which has a hundred hairs +More than are usual in it; and a tooth +Of elephant full half an inch too long; +With turnpike-ticket like an ancient coin. + +_Q. Ign_. We gratefully accept their bounteous gifts, +And order they be kept with proper care, +Till we do build a place most fit to hold +These precious toys: tell your society +We ever did esteem them of great worth, +And our firm friends: and tell 'em 'tis our pleasure +They do prepare to dance a jig before us. + [_Exit_ Messenger + +My lords of Law and Physick, you shall find +I will not be ungrateful for your service: +To you, good Harlequin, and your allies, +And you, Squeekaronelly, I will be +A most propitious queen--But ha! + [_Music under the stage_. +What hideous music or what yell is this? +Sure 'tis the ghost of some poor opera tune. + +_Sneer_. The ghost of a tune, Mr Fustian! + +_Fust_. Ay, sir, did you never hear one before? I had once a mind +to have brought the apparition of Musick in person upon the stage, in +the shape of an English opera. Come, Mr Ghost of the Tune, if you +please to appear in the sound of soft musick, and let the ghost of +Common Sense rise to it. + +[_Ghost of_ COMMON SENSE _rises to soft musick_. + +_Ghost_. Behold the ghost of Common Sense appears. +Caitiffs, avaunt! or I will sweep you off, +And clean the land from such infernal vermin. + +_Q. Ign_. A ghost! a ghost! a ghost! haste, scamper off, +My friends; we've kill'd the body, and I know +The ghost will have no mercy upon us. + +_Omnes_. A ghost! a ghost! a ghost! [_Run off_. + +_Ghost_. The coast is clear, and to her native realms +Pale Ignorance with all her host is fled, +Whence she will never dare invade us more. +Here, though a ghost, I will my power maintain, +And all the friends of Ignorance shall find +My ghost, at least, they cannot banish hence; +And all henceforth, who murder Common Sense, +Learn from these scenes that, though success you boast. +You shall at last be haunted with her ghost. + +_Sneer_. I am glad you make Common Sense get the better at last; +I was under terrible apprehensions for your moral. + +_Fust_. Faith, sir, this is almost the only play where she has +got the better lately. But now for my epilogue: if you please to +begin, madam. + +EPILOGUE + +GHOST. + +The play once done, the epilogue, by rule, +Should come and turn it all to ridicule; +Should tell the ladies that the tragic bards, +Who prate of Virtue and her vast rewards, +Are all in jest, and only fools should heed 'em; +For all wise women flock to mother Needham. +This is the method epilogues pursue, +But we to-night in everything are new. +Our author then, in jest throughout the play, +Now begs a serious word or two to say. +Banish all childish entertainments hence; +Let all that boast your favour have pretence, +If not to sparkling wit, at least to sense. +With soft Italian notes indulge your ear; +But let those singers, who are bought so dear, +Learn to be civil for their cheer at least, +Nor use like beggars those who give the feast. +And though while musick for herself may carve, +Poor Poetry, her sister-art, must starve; +Starve her at least with shew of approbation, +Nor slight her, while you search the whole creation +For all the tumbling-skum of every nation. +Can the whole world in science match our soil? +Have they a LOCKE, a NEWTON, or a BOYLE? +Or dare the greatest genius of their stage +With SHAKSPEARE or immortal BEN engage? + +Content with nature's bounty, do not crave +The little which to other lands she gave; +Nor like the cock a barley corn prefer +To all the jewels which you owe to her. + + + + + * * * * * + + + + +AN ESSAY ON CONVERSATION. + +Man is generally represented as an animal formed for, and delighted +in, society; in this state alone, it is said, his various talents can +be exerted, his numberless necessities relieved, the dangers he is +exposed to can be avoided, and many of the pleasures he eagerly +affects enjoyed. If these assertions be, as I think they are, +undoubtedly and obviously certain, those few who have denied man to be +a social animal have left us these two solutions of their conduct; +either that there are men as bold in denial as can be found in +assertion--and as Cicero says there is no absurdity which some +philosopher or other hath not asserted, so we may say there is no +truth so glaring that some have not denied it;--or else that these +rejectors of society borrow all their information from their own +savage dispositions, and are, indeed, themselves, the only exceptions +to the above general rule. + +But to leave such persons to those who have thought them more worthy +of an answer; there are others who are so seemingly fond of this +social state, that they are understood absolutely to confine it to +their own species; and entirely excluding the tamer and gentler, the +herding and flocking parts of the creation, from all benefits of it, +to set up this as one grand general distinction between the human and +the brute species. + +Shall we conclude this denial of all society to the nature of brutes, +which seems to be in defiance of every day's observation, to be as +bold as the denial of it to the nature of men? or, may we not more +justly derive the error from an improper understanding of this word +society in too confined and special a sense? in a word, do those who +utterly deny it to the brutal nature mean any other by society than +conversation? + +Now, if we comprehend them in this sense, as I think we very +reasonably may, the distinction appears to me to be truly just; for +though other animals are not without all use of society, yet this +noble branch of it seems, of all the inhabitants of this globe, +confined to man only; the narrow power of communicating some few ideas +of lust, or fear, or anger, which may be observable in brutes, falling +infinitely short of what is commonly meant by conversation, as may be +deduced from the origination of the word itself, the only accurate +guide to knowledge. The primitive and literal sense of this word is, I +apprehend, to turn round together; and in its more copious usage we +intend by it that reciprocal interchange of ideas by which truth is +examined, things are, in a manner, turned round and sifted, and all +our knowledge communicated to each other. + +In this respect man stands, I conceive, distinguished from, and +superior to, all other earthly creatures; it is this privilege which, +while he is inferior in strength to some, in swiftness to others; +without horns or claws or tusks to attack them, or even to defend +himself against them, hath made him master of them all. Indeed, in +other views, however vain men may be of their abilities, they are +greatly inferior to their animal neighbours. + +With what envy must a swine, or a much less voracious animal, be +surveyed by a glutton; and how contemptible must the talents of other +sensualists appear, when opposed, perhaps, to some of the lowest and +meanest of brutes! but in conversation man stands alone, at least in +this part of the creation; he leaves all others behind him at his +first start, and the greater progress he makes the greater distance is +between them. + +Conversation is of three sorts. Men are said to converse with God, +with themselves, and with one another. The two first of these have +been so liberally and excellently spoken to by others, that I shall at +present pass them by and confine myself in this essay to the third +only; since it seems to me amazing that this grand business of our +lives, the foundation of everything either useful or pleasant, should +have been so slightly treated of, that, while there is scarce a +profession or handicraft in life, however mean and contemptible, which +is not abundantly furnished with proper rules to the attaining its +perfection, men should be left almost totally in the dark, and without +the least light to direct, or any guide to conduct them, in the proper +exerting of those talents which are the noblest privilege of human +nature and productive of all rational happiness; and the rather as +this power is by no means self-instructed, and in the possession of +the artless and ignorant is of so mean use that it raises them very +little above those animals who are void of it. + +As conversation is a branch of society, it follows that it can be +proper to none who is not in his nature social. Now, society is +agreeable to no creatures who are not inoffensive to each other; and +we therefore observe in animals who are entirely guided by nature that +it is cultivated by such only, while those of more noxious disposition +addict themselves to solitude, and, unless when prompted by lust, or +that necessary instinct implanted in them by nature for the nurture of +their young, shun as much as possible the society of their own +species. If therefore there should be found some human individuals of +so savage a habit, it would seem they were not adapted to society, +and, consequently, not to conversation; nor would any inconvenience +ensue the admittance of such exceptions, since it would by no means +impeach the general rule of man's being a social animal; especially +when it appears (as is sufficiently and admirably proved by my friend +the author of An Enquiry into Happiness) that these men live in a +constant opposition to their own nature, and are no less monsters than +the most wanton abortions or extravagant births. + +Again; if society requires that its members should be inoffensive, so +the more useful and beneficial they are to each other the more +suitable are they to the social nature, and more perfectly adapted to +its institution; for all creatures seek their own happiness, and +society is therefore natural to any, because it is naturally +productive of this happiness. To render therefore any animal social is +to render it inoffensive; an instance of which is to be seen in those +the ferocity of whose nature can be tamed by man. And here the reader +may observe a double distinction of man from the more savage animals +by society, and from the social by conversation. + +But if men were merely inoffensive to each other, it seems as if +society and conversation would be merely indifferent; and that, in +order to make it desirable by a sensible being, it is necessary we +should go farther and propose some positive good to ourselves from it; +and this presupposes, not only negatively, our not receiving any hurt, +but positively, our receiving some good, some pleasure or advantage, +from each other in it, something which we could not find in an +unsocial and solitary state; otherwise we might cry out with the right +honourable poet--[Footnote: The Duke of Buckingham.] + + Give us our wildness and our woods, + Our huts and caves again. + +The art of pleasing or doing good to one another is therefore the art +of conversation. It is this habit which gives it all its value. And as +man's being a social animal (the truth of which is incontestably +proved by that excellent author of An Enquiry, &c., I have above +cited) presupposes a natural desire or tendency this way, it will +follow that we can fail in attaining this truly desirable end from +ignorance only in the means; and how general this ignorance is may be, +with some probability, inferred from our want of even a word to +express this art by; that which comes the nearest to it, and by which, +perhaps, we would sometimes intend it, being so horribly and +barbarously corrupted, that it contains at present scarce a simple +ingredient of what it seems originally to have been designed to +express. + +The word I mean is good breeding; a word, I apprehend, not at first +confined to externals, much less to any particular dress or attitude +of the body; nor were the qualifications expressed by it to be +furnished by a milliner, a taylor, or a perriwig-maker; no, nor even +by a dancing-master himself. According to the idea I myself conceive +from this word, I should not have scrupled to call Socrates a +well-bred man, though, I believe, he was very little instructed by any +of the persons I have above enumerated. In short, by good-breeding +(notwithstanding the corrupt use of the word in a very different +sense) I mean the art of pleasing, or contributing as much as possible +to the ease and happiness of those with whom you converse. I shall +contend therefore no longer on this head; for, whilst my reader +clearly conceives the sense in which I use this word, it will not be +very material whether I am right or wrong in its original application. + +Good-breeding then, or the art of pleasing in conversation, is +expressed two different ways, viz., in our actions and our words, and +our conduct in both may be reduced to that concise, comprehensive rule +in scripture--Do unto all men as you would they should do unto +you. Indeed, concise as this rule is, and plain as it appears, what +are all treatises on ethics but comments upon it? and whoever is well +read in the book of nature, and hath made much observation on the +actions of men, will perceive so few capable of judging or rightly +pursuing their own happiness, that he will be apt to conclude that +some attention is necessary (and more than is commonly used) to enable +men to know truly what they would have done unto them, or, at least, +what it would be their interest to have done. + +If therefore men, through weakness or inattention, often err in their +conceptions of what would produce their own happiness, no wonder they +should miss in the application of what will contribute to that of +others; and thus we may, without too severe a censure on their +inclinations, account for that frequent failure in true good-breeding +which daily experience gives us instances of. + +Besides, the commentators have well paraphrased on the above-mentioned +divine rule, that it is, to do unto men what you would they (if they +were in your situation and circumstances, and you in theirs) should do +unto you; and, as this comment is necessary to be observed in ethics, +so it is particularly useful in this our art, where the degree of the +person is always to be considered, as we shall explain more at large +hereafter. + +We see then a possibility for a man well disposed to this golden rule, +without some precautions, to err in the practice; nay, even +good-nature itself, the very habit of mind most essential to furnish +us with true good-breeding, the latter so nearly resembling the +former, that it hath been called, and with the appearance at least of +propriety, artificial good-nature. This excellent quality itself +sometimes shoots us beyond the mark, and shews the truth of those +lines in Horace: + + Insani sapiens nomen ferat, sequus iniqui, + Ultra quam satis est, Virtutem si petal ipsam. + +Instances of this will be naturally produced where we shew the +deviations from those rules which we shall now attempt to lay down. + +As this good-breeding is the art of pleasing, it will be first +necessary with the utmost caution to avoid hurting or giving any +offence to those with whom we converse. And here we are surely to shun +any kind of actual disrespect, or affront to their persons, by +insolence, which is the severest attack that can be made on the pride +of man, and of which Florus seems to have no inadequate opinion when, +speaking of the second Tarquin, he says; _in omnes superbid (qua +crudelitate gravior est BONIS) grassatus_; "He trod on all with +insolence, which sits heavier on men of great minds than cruelty +itself." If there is any temper in man which more than all others +disqualifies him for society, it is this insolence or haughtiness, +which, blinding a man to his own imperfections, and giving him a +hawk's quicksightedness to those of others, raises in him that +contempt for his species which inflates the cheeks, erects the head, +and stiffens the gaite of those strutting animals who sometimes stalk +in assemblies, for no other reason but to shew in their gesture and +behaviour the disregard they have for the company. Though to a truly +great and philosophical mind it is not easy to conceive a more +ridiculous exhibition than this puppet, yet to others he is little +less than a nuisance; for contempt is a murtherous weapon, and there +is this difference only between the greatest and weakest man when +attacked by it, that, in order to wound the former, it must be just; +whereas, without the shields of wisdom and philosophy, which God knows +are in the possession of very few, it wants no justice to point it, +but is certain to penetrate, from whatever corner it comes. It is this +disposition which inspires the empty Cacus to deny his acquaintance, +and overlook men of merit in distress; and the little silly, pretty +Phillida, or Foolida, to stare at the strange creatures round her. It +is this temper which constitutes the supercilious eye, the reserved +look, the distant bowe, the scornful leer, the affected astonishment, +the loud whisper, ending in a laugh directed full in the teeth of +another. Hence spring, in short, those numberless offences given too +frequently, in public and private assemblies, by persons of weak +understandings, indelicate habits, and so hungry and foul-feeding a +vanity that it wants to devour whatever comes in its way. Now, if +good-breeding be what we have endeavoured to prove it, how foreign, +and indeed how opposite to it, must such a behaviour be! and can any +man call a duke or a dutchess who wears it well-bred? or are they not +more justly entitled to those inhuman names which they themselves +allot to the lowest vulgar? But behold a more pleasing picture on the +reverse. See the earl of C----, noble in his birth, splendid in his +fortune, and embellished with every endowment of mind; how affable! +how condescending! himself the only one who seems ignorant that he is +every way the greatest person in the room. + +But it is not sufficient to be inoffensive--we must be profitable +servants to each other: we are, in the second place, to proceed to the +utmost verge in paying the respect due to others. We had better go a +little too far than stop short in this particular. My lord Shaftesbury +hath a pretty observation, that the beggar, in addressing to a coach +with, My lord, is sure not to offend, even though there be no lord +there; but, on the contrary, should plain sir fly in the face of a +nobleman, what must be the consequence? And, indeed, whoever considers +the bustle and contention about precedence, the pains and labours +undertaken, and sometimes the prices given, for the smallest title or +mark of pre-eminence, and the visible satisfaction betrayed in its +enjoyment, may reasonably conclude this is a matter of no small +consequence. The truth is, we live in a world of common men, and not +of philosophers; for one of these, when he appears (which is very +seldom) among us, is distinguished, and very properly too, by the name +of an odd fellow; for what is it less than extreme oddity to despise +what the generality of the world think the labour of their whole lives +well employed in procuring? we are therefore to adapt our behaviour to +the opinion of the generality of mankind, and not to that of a few odd +fellows. + +It would be tedious, and perhaps impossible, to specify every +instance, or to lay down exact rules for our conduct in every minute +particular. However, I shall mention some of the chief which most +ordinarily occur, after premising that the business of the whole is no +more than to convey to others an idea of your esteem of them, which is +indeed the substance of all the compliments, ceremonies, presents, and +whatever passes between well-bred people. And here I shall lay down +these positions:-- + +First, that all meer ceremonies exist in form only, and have in them +no substance at all; but, being imposed by the laws of custom, become +essential to good-breeding, from those high-flown compliments paid to +the Eastern monarchs, and which pass between Chinese mandarines, to +those coarser ceremonials in use between English farmers and Dutch +boors. + +Secondly, that these ceremonies, poor as they are, are of more +consequence than they at first appear, and, in reality, constitute the +only external difference between man and man. Thus, His grace, Right +honourable, My lord, Right reverend, Reverend, Honourable, Sir, +Esquire, Mr, &c., have in a philosophical sense no meaning, yet are +perhaps politically essential, and must be preserved by good-breeding; +because, + +Thirdly, they raise an expectation in the person by law and custom +entitled to them, and who will consequently be displeased with the +disappointment. + +Now, in order to descend minutely into any rules for good-breeding, it +will be necessary to lay some scene, or to throw our disciple into +some particular circumstance. We will begin them with a visit in the +country; and as the principal actor on this occasion is the person who +receives it, we will, as briefly as possible, lay down some general +rules for his conduct; marking, at the same time, the principal +deviations we have observed on these occasions. + +When an expected guest arrives to dinner at your house, if your equal, +or indeed not greatly your inferior, he should be sure to find your +family in some order, and yourself dressed and ready to receive him at +your gate with a smiling countenance. This infuses an immediate +chearfulness into your guest, and persuades him of your esteem and +desire of his company. Not so is the behaviour of Polysperchon, at +whose gate you are obliged to knock a considerable time before you +gain admittance. At length, the door being opened to you by a maid or +some improper servant, who wonders where the devil all the men are, +and, being asked if the gentleman is at home, answers she believes so, +you are conducted into a hall, or back-parlour, where you stay some +time before the gentleman, in a dishabille from his study or his +garden, waits upon you, asks pardon, and assures you he did not expect +you so soon. + +Your guest, being introduced into a drawing-room, is, after the first +ceremonies, to be asked whether he will refresh himself after his +journey, before dinner (for which he is never to stay longer than the +usual or fixed hour). But this request is never to be repeated oftener +than twice, not in imitation of Calepus, who, as if hired by a +physician, crams wine in a morning down the throats of his most +temperate friends, their constitutions being not so dear to them as +their present quiet. + +When dinner is on the table, and the ladies have taken their places, +the gentlemen are to be introduced into the eating-room, where they +are to be seated with as much seeming indifference as possible, unless +there be any present whose degrees claim an undoubted precedence. As +to the rest, the general rules of precedence are by marriage, age, and +profession. Lastly, in placing your guests, regard is rather to be had +to birth than fortune; for, though purse-pride is forward enough to +exalt itself, it bears a degradation with more secret comfort and ease +than the former, as being more inwardly satisfied with itself, and +less apprehensive of neglect or contempt. + +The order in helping your guests is to be regulated by that of placing +them; but here I must, with great submission, recommend to the lady at +the upper end of the table to distribute her favours as equally and as +impartially as she can. I have sometimes seen a large dish of fish +extend no farther than to the fifth person, and a haunch of venison +lose all its fat before half the table had tasted it. + +A single request to eat of any particular dish, how elegant soever, is +the utmost I allow. I strictly prohibit all earnest solicitations, all +complaints that you have no appetite, which are sometimes little less +than burlesque, and always impertinent and troublesome. + +And here, however low it may appear to some readers, as I have known +omissions of this kind give offence, and sometimes make the offenders, +who have been very well-meaning persons, ridiculous, I cannot help +mentioning the ceremonial of drinking healths at table, which is +always to begin with the lady's and next the master's of the house. + +When dinner is ended, and the ladies retired, though I do not hold the +master of the feast obliged to fuddle himself through complacence +(and, indeed, it is his own fault generally if his company be such as +would desire it), yet he is to see that the bottle circulate +sufficient to afford every person present a moderate quantity of wine +if he chuses it; at the same time permitting those who desire it +either to pass the bottle or to fill their glass as they +please. Indeed, the beastly custom of besotting, and ostentatious +contention for pre-eminence in their cups, seems at present pretty +well abolished among the better sort of people. Yet Methus still +remains, who measures the honesty and understanding of mankind by a +capaciousness of their swallow; who sings forth the praises of a +bumper, and complains of the light in your glass; and at whose table +it is as difficult to preserve your senses as to preserve your purse +at a gaming-table or your health at a b--y-house. On the other side, +Sophronus eyes you carefully whilst you are filling out his +liquor. The bottle as surely stops when it comes to him as your +chariot at Temple-bar; and it is almost as impossible to carry a pint +of wine from his house as to gain the love of a reigning beauty, or +borrow a shilling of P---- W----. + +But to proceed. After a reasonable time, if your guest intends staying +with you the whole evening, and declines the bottle, you may propose +play, walking, or any other amusement; but these are to be but barely +mentioned, and offered to his choice with all indifference on your +part. What person can be so dull as not to perceive in Agyrtes a +longing to pick your pockets, or in Alazon a desire to satisfy his own +vanity in shewing you the rarities of his house and gardens? When your +guest offers to go, there should be no solicitations to stay, unless +for the whole night, and that no farther than to give him a moral +assurance of his being welcome so to do; no assertions that he shan't +go yet; no laying on violent hands; no private orders to servants to +delay providing the horses or vehicles--like Desmophylax, who never +suffers any one to depart from his house without entitling him to an +action of false imprisonment. + +Let us now consider a little the part which the visitor himself is to +act. And first, he is to avoid the two extremes of being too early or +too late, so as neither to surprise his friend unawares or unprovided, +nor detain him too long in expectation. Orthrius, who hath nothing to +do, disturbs your rest in a morning; and the frugal Chronophidus, lest +he should waste some minutes of his precious time, is sure to spoil +your dinner. + +The address at your arrival should be as short as possible, especially +when you visit a superior; not imitating Phlenaphius, who would stop +his friend in the rain rather than omit a single bowe. + +Be not too observant of trifling ceremonies, such as rising, sitting, +walking first in or out of the room, except with one greatly your +superior; but when such a one offers you precedence it is uncivil to +refuse it; of which I will give you the following instance: An English +nobleman, being in France, was bid by Louis XIV. to enter the coach +before him, which he excused himself from. The king then immediately +mounted, and, ordering the door to be shut, drove on, leaving the +nobleman behind him. + +Never refuse anything offered you out of civility, unless in +preference of a lady, and that no oftener than once; for nothing is +more truly good breeding than to avoid being troublesome. Though the +taste and humour of the visitor is to be chiefly considered, yet is +some regard likewise to be had to that of the master of the house; for +otherwise your company will be rather a penance than a +pleasure. Methusus plainly discovers his visit to be paid to his sober +friend's bottle; nor will Philopasus abstain from cards, though he is +certain they are agreeable only to himself; whilst the slender +Leptines gives his fat entertainer a sweat, and makes him run the +hazard of breaking his wind up his own mounts. + +If conveniency allows your staying longer than the time proposed, it +may be civil to offer to depart, lest your stay may be incommodious to +your friend; but if you perceive the contrary, by his solicitations, +they should be readily accepted, without tempting him to break these +rules we have above laid down for him--causing a confusion in his +family and among his servants, by preparations for your +departure. Lastly, when you are resolved to go, the same method is to +be observed which I have prescribed at your arrival. No tedious +ceremonies of taking leave--not like Hyperphylus, who bows and kisses +and squeezes by the hand as heartily, and wishes you as much health +and happiness, when he is going a journey home of ten miles, from a +common acquaintance, as if he was leaving his nearest friend or +relation on a voyage to the East Indies. + +Having thus briefly considered our reader in the circumstance of a +private visit, let us now take him into a public assembly, where, as +more eyes will be on his behaviour, it cannot be less his interest to +be instructed. We have, indeed, already formed a general picture of +the chief enormities committed on these occasions: we shall here +endeavour to explain more particularly the rules of an opposite +demeanour, which we may divide into three sorts, viz., our behaviour +to our superiors, to our equals, and to our inferiors. + +In our behaviour to our superiors two extremes are to be avoided; +namely, an abject and base servility, and an impudent and encroaching +freedom. When the well-bred Hyperdulus approaches a nobleman in any +public place, you would be persuaded he was one of the meanest of his +domestics; his cringes fall little short of prostration; and his whole +behaviour is so mean and servile that an Eastern monarch would not +require more humiliation from his vassals. On the other side, +Anaischyntus, whom fortunate accidents, without any pretensions from +his birth, have raised to associate with his betters, shakes my lord +duke by the hand with a familiarity savouring not only of the most +perfect intimacy but the closest alliance. The former behaviour +properly raises our contempt, the latter our disgust. Hyperdulus seems +worthy of wearing his lordship's livery; Anaischyntus deserves to be +turned out of his service for his impudence. Between these two is that +golden mean which declares a man ready to acquiesce in allowing the +respect due to a title by the laws and customs of his country, but +impatient of any insult, and disdaining to purchase the intimacy with +and favour of a superior at the expence of conscience or honour. As to +the question, who are our superiors? I shall endeavour to ascertain +them when I come, in the second place, to mention our behaviour to our +equals: the first instruction on this head being carefully to consider +who are such; every little superiority of fortune or profession being +too apt to intoxicate men's minds, and elevate them in their own +opinion beyond their merit or pretensions. Men are superior to each +other in this our country by title, by birth, by rank in profession, +and by age; very little, if any, being to be allowed to fortune, +though so much is generally exacted by it and commonly paid to +it. Mankind never appear to me in a more despicable light than when I +see them, by a simple as well as mean servility, voluntarily +concurring in the adoration of riches, without the least benefit or +prospect from them. Respect and deference are perhaps justly +demandable of the obliged, and may be, with some reason at least, from +expectation, paid to the rich and liberal from the necessitous; but +that men should be allured by the glittering of wealth only to feed +the insolent pride of those who will not in return feed their +hunger--that the sordid niggard should find any sacrifices on the +altar of his vanity--seems to arise from a blinder idolatry, and a +more bigoted and senseless superstition, than any which the sharp eyes +of priests have discovered in the human mind. + +All gentlemen, therefore, who are not raised above each other by +title, birth, rank in profession, age, or actual obligation, being to +be considered as equals, let us take some lessons for their behaviour +to each other in public from the following examples; in which we shall +discern as well what we are to elect as what we are to avoid. Authades +is so absolutely abandoned to his own humour that he never gives it up +on any occasion. If Seraphina herself, whose charms one would imagine +should infuse alacrity into the limbs of a cripple sooner than the +Bath waters, was to offer herself for his partner, he would answer he +never danced, even though the ladies lost their ball by it. Nor doth +this denial arise from incapacity, for he was in his youth an +excellent dancer, and still retains sufficient knowledge of the art, +and sufficient abilities in his limbs to practise it, but from an +affectation of gravity which he will not sacrifice to the eagerest +desire of others. Dyskolus hath the same aversion to cards; and though +competently skilled in all games, is by no importunities to be +prevailed on to make a third at ombre, or a fourth at whisk and +quadrille. He will suffer any company to be disappointed of their +amusement rather than submit to pass an hour or two a little +disagreeably to himself. The refusal of Philautus is not so general; +he is very ready to engage, provided you will indulge him in his +favourite game, but it is impossible to persuade him to any other. I +should add both these are men of fortune, and the consequences of loss +or gain, at the rate they are desired to engage, very trifling and +inconsiderable to them. + +The rebukes these people sometimes meet with are no more equal to +their deserts than the honour paid to Charistus, the benevolence of +whose mind scarce permits him to indulge his own will, unless by +accident. Though neither his age nor understanding incline him to +dance, nor will admit his receiving any pleasure from it, yet would he +caper a whole evening, rather than a fine young lady should lose an +opportunity of displaying her charms by the several genteel and +amiable attitudes which this exercise affords the skilful of that +sex. And though cards are not adapted to his temper, he never once +baulked the inclinations of others on that account. + +But, as there are many who will not in the least instance mortify +their own humour to purchase the satisfaction of all mankind, so there +are some who make no scruple of satisfying their own pride and vanity +at the expence of the most cruel mortification of others. Of this kind +is Agroicus, who seldom goes to an assembly but he affronts half his +acquaintance by overlooking or disregarding them. + +As this is a very common offence, and indeed much more criminal, both +in its cause and effect, than is generally imagined, I shall examine +it very minutely, and I doubt not but to make it appear that there is +no behaviour (to speak like a philosopher) more contemptible, nor, in +a civil sense, more detestable, than this. + +The first ingredient in this composition is pride, which, according to +the doctrine of some, is the universal passion. There are others who +consider it as the foible of great minds; and others again who will +have it to be the very foundation of greatness; and perhaps it may of +that greatness which we have endeavoured to expose in many parts of +these works; but to real greatness, which is the union of a good heart +with a good head, it is almost diametrically opposite, as it generally +proceeds from the depravity of both, and almost certainly from the +badness of the latter. Indeed, a little observation will shew us that +fools are the most addicted to this vice; and a little reflexion will +teach us that it is incompatible with true understanding. Accordingly +we see that, while the wisest of men have constantly lamented the +imbecility and imperfection of their own nature, the meanest and +weakest have been trumpeting forth their own excellencies and +triumphing in their own sufficiency. + +Pride may, I think, be properly defined, the pleasure we feel in +contemplating our own superior merit, on comparing it with that of +others. That it arises from this supposed superiority is evident; for, +however great you admit a man's merit to be, if all men were equal to +him, there would be no room for pride. Now if it stop here, perhaps +there is no enormous harm in it, or at least no more than is common to +all other folly; every species of which is always liable to produce +every species of mischief: folly I fear it is; for, should the man +estimate rightly on this occasion, and the ballance should fairly turn +on his side in this particular instance; should he be indeed a greater +orator, poet, general; should he be more wise, witty, learned, young, +rich, healthy, or in whatever instance he may excel one, or many, or +all; yet, if he examine himself thoroughly, will he find no reason to +abate his pride? is the quality in which he is so eminent, so +generally or justly esteemed? is it so entirely his own? doth he not +rather owe his superiority to the defects of others than to his own +perfection? or, lastly, can he find in no part of his character a +weakness which may counterpoise this merit, and which as justly at +least, threatens him with shame as this entices him to pride? I fancy, +if such a scrutiny was made (and nothing so ready as good sense to +make it), a proud man would be as rare as in reality he is a +ridiculous monster. But suppose a man, on this comparison, is, as may +sometimes happen, a little partial to himself, the harm is to himself, +and he becomes only ridiculous from it. If I prefer my excellence in +poetry to Pope or Young; if an inferior actor should, in his opinion, +exceed Quin or Garrick; or a sign-post painter set himself above the +inimitable Hogarth, we become only ridiculous by our vanity: and the +persons themselves who are thus humbled in the comparison, would laugh +with more reason than any other. Pride, therefore, hitherto seems an +inoffensive weakness only, and entitles a man to no worse an +appellation than that of a fool; but it will not stop here: though +fool be perhaps no desirable term, the proud man will deserve worse; +he is not contented with the admiration he pays himself, he now +becomes arrogant, and requires the same respect and preference from +the world; for pride, though the greatest of flatterers, is by no +means a profitable servant to itself; it resembles the parson of the +parish more than the squire, and lives rather on the tithes, +oblations, and contributions it collects from others than on its own +demesne. As pride therefore is seldom without arrogance, so is this +never to be found without insolence. The arrogant man must be insolent +in order to attain his own ends; and, to convince and remind men of +the superiority he affects, will naturally, by ill-words, actions, and +gestures, endeavour to throw the despised person at as much distance +as possible from him. + +Hence proceeds that supercilious look and all those visible +indignities with which men behave in public to those whom they fancy +their inferiors. Hence the very notable custom of deriding and often +denying the nearest relations, friends, and acquaintance, in poverty +and distress, lest we should anywise be levelled with the wretches we +despise, either in their own imagination or in the conceit of any who +should behold familiarities pass between us. + +But besides pride, folly, arrogance, and insolence, there is another +simple, which vice never willingly leaves out of any composition--and +this is ill-nature. A good-natured man may indeed (provided he is a +fool) be proud, but arrogant and insolent he cannot be, unless we will +allow to such a still greater degree of folly and ignorance of human +nature; which may indeed entitle them to forgiveness in the benign +language of scripture, because they know not what they do. + +For, when we come to consider the effect of this behaviour on the +person who suffers it, we may perhaps have reason to conclude that +murder is not a much more cruel injury. What is the consequence of +this contempt? or, indeed, what is the design of it but to expose the +object of it to shame? a sensation as uneasy and almost intolerable as +those which arise from the severest pains inflicted on the body; a +convulsion of the mind (if I may so call it) which immediately +produces symptoms of universal disorder in the whole man; which hath +sometimes been attended with death itself, and to which death hath, by +great multitudes, been with much alacrity preferred. Now, what less +than the highest degree of ill-nature can permit a man to pamper his +own vanity at the price of another's shame? Is the glutton, who, to +raise the flavour of his dish, puts some birds or beasts to exquisite +torment, more cruel to the animal than this our proud man to his own +species? + +This character then is a composition made up of those odious, +contemptible qualities, pride, folly, arrogance, insolence, and +ill-nature. I shall dismiss it with some general observations, which +will place it in so ridiculous a light, that a man must hereafter be +possessed of a very considerable portion either of folly or impudence +to assume it. + +First, it proceeds on one grand fallacy; for, whereas this wretch is +endeavouring by a supercilious conduct to lead the beholder into an +opinion of his superiority to the despised person, he inwardly +flatters his own vanity with a deceitful presumption that this his +conduct is founded on a general preconceived opinion of this +superiority. + +Secondly, this caution to preserve it plainly indicates a doubt that +the superiority of our own character is very slightly established; for +which reason we see it chiefly practised by men who have the weakest +pretensions to the reputation they aim at; and, indeed, none was ever +freer from it than that noble person whom we have already mentioned in +this essay, and who can never be mentioned but with honour by those +who know him. + +Thirdly, this opinion of our superiority is commonly very +erroneous. Who hath not seen a general behave in this supercilious +manner to an officer of lower rank, who hath been greatly his superior +in that very art to his excellence in which the general ascribes all +his merit? Parallel instances occur in every other art, science, or +profession. + +Fourthly, men who excel others in trifling instances frequently cast a +supercilious eye on their superiors in the highest. Thus the least +pretensions to preeminence in title, birth, riches, equipages, dress, +&c., constantly overlook the most noble endowments of virtue, honour, +wisdom, sense, wit, and every other quality which can truly dignify +and adorn a man. + +Lastly, the lowest and meanest of our species are the most strongly +addicted to this vice--men who are a scandal to their sex, and women +who disgrace human nature; for the basest mechanic is so far from +being exempt that he is generally the most guilty of it. It visits +ale-houses and gin-shops, and whistles in the empty heads of fidlers, +mountebanks, and dancing-masters. + +To conclude a character on which we have already dwelt longer than is +consistent with the intended measure of this essay, this contempt of +others is the truest symptom of a base and a bad heart. While it +suggests itself to the mean and the vile, and tickles their little +fancy on every occasion, it never enters the great and good mind but +on the strongest motives; nor is it then a welcome guest, affording +only an uneasy sensation, and brings always with it a mixture of +concern and compassion. + +We will now proceed to inferior criminals in society. Theoretus, +conceiving that the assembly is only met to see and admire him, is +uneasy unless he engrosses the eyes of the whole company. The giant +doth not take more pains to be viewed; and, as he is unfortunately not +so tall, he carefully deposits himself in the most conspicuous place; +nor will that suffice--he must walk about the room, though to the +great disturbance of the company; and, if he can purchase general +observation at no less rate, will condescend to be ridiculous; for he +prefers being laughed at to being taken little notice of. + +On the other side, Dusopius is so bashful that he hides himself in a +corner; he hardly bears being looked at, and never quits the first +chair he lights upon, lest he should expose himself to public view. He +trembles when you bowe to him at a distance, is shocked at hearing his +own voice, and would almost swoon at the repetition of his name. + +The audacious Anedes, who is extremely amorous in his inclinations, +never likes a woman but his eyes ask her the question, without +considering the confusion he often occasions to the object; he ogles +and languishes at every pretty woman in the room. As there is no law +of morality which he would not break to satisfy his desires, so is +there no form of civility which he doth not violate to communicate +them. When he gets possession of a woman's hand, which those of +stricter decency never give him but with reluctance, he considers +himself as its master. Indeed, there is scarce a familiarity which he +will abstain from on the slightest acquaintance, and in the most +public place. Seraphina herself can make no impression on the rough +temper of Agroicus; neither her quality nor her beauty can exact the +least complacence from him; and he would let her lovely limbs ach +rather than offer her his chair: while the gentle Lyperus tumbles over +benches and overthrows tea-tables to take up a fan or a glove; he +forces you, as a good parent doth his child, for your own good; he is +absolute master of a lady's will, nor will allow her the election of +standing or sitting in his company. In short, the impertinent civility +of Lyperus is as troublesome, though perhaps not so offensive, as the +brutish rudeness of Agroicus. + +Thus we have hinted at most of the common enormities committed in +public assemblies to our equals; for it would be tedious and difficult +to enumerate all: nor is it needful; since from this sketch we may +trace all others, most of which, I believe, will be found to branch +out from some of the particulars here specified. + +I am now, in the last place, to consider our behaviour to our +inferiors, in which condescension can never be too strongly +recommended; for, as a deviation on this side is much more innocent +than on the other, so the pride of man renders us much less liable to +it. For, besides that we are apt to overrate our own perfections, and +undervalue the qualifications of our neighbours, we likewise set too +high an esteem on the things themselves, and consider them as +constituting a more essential difference between us than they really +do. The qualities of the mind do, in reality, establish the truest +superiority over one another: yet should not these so far elevate our +pride as to inflate us with contempt, and make us look down on our +fellow-creatures as on animals of an inferior order; but that the +fortuitous accident of birth, the acquisition of wealth, with some +outward ornaments of dress, should inspire men with an insolence +capable of treating the rest of mankind with disdain, is so +preposterous that nothing less than daily experience could give it +credit. If men were to be rightly estimated, and divided into +subordinate classes according to the superior excellence of their +several natures, perhaps the lowest class of either sex would be +properly assigned to those two disgraces of the human species, +commonly called a beau and a fine lady; for, if we rate men by the +faculties of the mind, in what degree must these stand? nay, admitting +the qualities of the body were to give the pre-eminence, how many of +those whom fortune hath placed in the lowest station must be ranked +above them? If dress is their only title, sure even the monkey, if as +well dressed, is on as high a footing as the beau. But perhaps I shall +be told they challenge their dignity from birth; that is a poor and +mean pretence to honour when supported with no other. Persons who have +no better claim to superiority should be ashamed of this; they are +really a disgrace to those very ancestors from whom they would derive +their pride, and are chiefly happy in this, that they want the very +moderate portion of understanding which would enable them to despise +themselves. + +And yet who so prone to a contemptuous carriage as these? I have +myself seen a little female thing which they have called "my lady," of +no greater dignity in the order of beings than a cat, and of no more +use in society than a butterfly; whose mien would not give even the +idea of a gentlewoman, and whose face would cool the loosest +libertine; with a mind as empty of ideas as an opera, and a body +fuller of diseases than an hospital--I have seen this thing express +contempt to a woman who was an honour to her sex and an ornament to +the creation. + +To confess the truth, there is little danger of the possessor's ever +undervaluing this titular excellence. Not that I would withdraw from +it that deference which the policy of government hath assigned it. On +the contrary, I have laid down the most exact compliance with this +respect, as a fundamental in good-breeding; nay, I insist only that we +may be admitted to pay it, and not treated with a disdain even beyond +what the eastern monarchs shew to their slaves. Surely it is too high +an elevation when, instead of treating the lowest human creature, in a +Christian sense, as our brethren, we look down on such as are but one +rank in the civil order removed from us as unworthy to breathe even +the same air, and regard the most distant communication with them as +an indignity and disgrace offered to ourselves. This is considering +the difference not in the individual, but in the very species; a +height of insolence impious in a Christian society, and most absurd +and ridiculous in a trading nation. + +I have now done with my first head, in which I have treated of +good-breeding, as it regards our actions. I shall, in the next place, +consider it with respect to our words, and shall endeavour to lay down +some rules, by observing which our well-bred man may, in his discourse +as well as actions, contribute to the happiness and well-being of +society. + +Certain it is, that the highest pleasure which we are capable of +enjoying in conversation is to be met with only in the society of +persons whose understanding is pretty near on an equality with our +own; nor is this equality only necessary to enable men of exalted +genius and extensive knowledge to taste the sublimer pleasures of +communicating their refined ideas to each other; but it is likewise +necessary to the inferior happiness of every subordinate degree of +society, down to the very lowest. For instance; we will suppose a +conversation between Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, and three +dancing-masters. It will be acknowledged, I believe, that the heel +sophists would be as little pleased with the company of the +philosophers as the philosophers with theirs. + +It would be greatly, therefore, for the improvement and happiness of +conversation, if society could be formed on this equality; but, as men +are not ranked in this world by the different degrees of their +understanding, but by other methods, and consequently all degrees of +understanding often meet in the same class, and must _ex +necessitate_ frequently converse together, the impossibility of +accomplishing any such Utopian scheme very plainly appears. Here +therefore is a visible but unavoidable imperfection in society itself. + +But, as we have laid it down as a fundamental that the essence of +good-breeding is to contribute as much as possible to the ease and +happiness of mankind, so will it be the business of our well-bred man +to endeavour to lessen this imperfection to his utmost, and to bring +society as near to a level at least as he is able. + +Now there are but two ways to compass this, viz., by raising the +lower, and by lowering what is higher. + +Let us suppose, then, that very unequal company I have before +mentioned met; the former of these is apparently impracticable. Let +Socrates, for instance, institute a discourse on the nature of the +soul, or Plato reason on the native beauty of virtue, and Aristotle on +his occult qualities--What must become of our dancing-masters? Would +they not stare at one another with surprise, and, most probably, at +our philosophers with contempt? Would they have any pleasure in such +society? or would they not rather wish themselves in a dancing-school, +or a green-room at the playhouse? What, therefore, have our +philosophers to do but to lower themselves to those who cannot rise to +them? + +And surely there are subjects on which both can converse. Hath not +Socrates heard of harmony? Hath not Plato, who draws virtue in the +person of a fine woman, any idea of the gracefulness of attitude? and +hath not Aristotle himself written a book on motion? + +In short, to be a little serious, there are many topics on which they +can at least be intelligible to each other. + +How absurd, then, must appear the conduct of Cenodoxus, who, having +had the advantage of a liberal education, and having made a pretty +good progress in literature, is constantly advancing learned subjects +in common conversation? He talks of the classics before the ladies, +and of Greek criticisms among fine gentlemen. What is this less than +an insult on the company over whom he thus affects a superiority, and +whose time he sacrifices to his vanity? + +Wisely different is the amiable conduct of Sophronus; who, though he +exceeds the former in knowledge, can submit to discourse on the most +trivial matters, rather than introduce such as his company are utter +strangers to. He can talk of fashions and diversions among the ladies; +nay, can even condescend to horses and dogs with country +gentlemen. This gentleman, who is equal to dispute on the highest and +abstrusest points, can likewise talk on a fan or a horse-race; nor had +ever any one who was not himself a man of learning, the least reason +to conceive the vast knowledge of Sophronus, unless from the report of +others. + +Let us compare these together. Cenodoxus proposes the satisfaction of +his own pride from the admiration of others; Sophronus thinks of +nothing but their amusement. In the company of Cenodoxus every one is +rendered uneasy, laments his own want of knowledge, and longs for the +end of the dull assembly; with Sophronus all are pleased, and +contented with themselves in their knowledge of matters which they +find worthy the consideration of a man of sense. Admiration is +involuntarily paid the former: to the latter it is given joyfully. The +former receives it with envy and hatred; the latter enjoys it as the +sweet fruit of goodwill. The former is shunned; the latter courted by +all. + +This behaviour in Cenodoxus may, in some measure, account for an +observation we must have frequent occasion to make; that the +conversation of men of very moderate capacities is often preferred to +that of men of superior talents; in which the world act more wisely +than at first they may seem; for, besides that backwardness in mankind +to give their admiration, what can be duller or more void of pleasure +than discourses on subjects above our comprehension? It is like +listening to an unknown language; and, if such company is ever desired +by us, it is a sacrifice to our vanity, which imposes on us to believe +that we may by these means raise the general opinion of our own parts +and knowledge, and not from that cheerful delight which is the natural +result of an agreeable conversation. + +There is another very common fault, equally destructive of this +delight, by much the same means, though it is far from owing its +original to any real superiority of parts and knowledge; this is +discoursing on the mysteries of a particular profession, to which all +the rest of the company, except one or two, are utter +strangers. Lawyers are generally guilty of this fault, as they are +more confined to the conversation of one another; and I have known a +very agreeable company spoilt, where there have been two of these +gentlemen present, who have seemed rather to think themselves in a +court of justice than in a mixed assembly of persons met only for the +entertainment of each other. + +But it is not sufficient that the whole company understand the topic +of their conversation; they should be likewise equally interested in +every subject not tending to their general information or amusement; +for these are not to be postponed to the relation of private affairs, +much less of the particular grievance or misfortune of a single +person. To bear a share in the afflictions of another is a degree of +friendship not to be expected in a common acquaintance; nor hath any +man a right to indulge the satisfaction of a weak and mean mind by the +comfort of pity at the expence of the whole company's diversion. The +inferior and unsuccessful members of the several professions are +generally guilty of this fault; for, as they fail of the reward due to +their great merit, they can seldom refrain from reviling their +superiors, and complaining of their own hard and unjust fate. + +Farther, as a man is not to make himself the subject of the +conversation, so neither is he to engross the whole to himself. As +every man had rather please others by what he says than be himself +pleased by what they say; or, in other words, as every man is best +pleased with the consciousness of pleasing, so should all have an +equal opportunity of aiming at it. This is a right which we are so +offended at being deprived of, that, though I remember to have known a +man reputed a good companion, who seldom opened his mouth in company, +unless to swallow his liquor, yet I have scarce ever heard that +appellation given to a very talkative person, even when he hath been +capable of entertaining, unless he hath done this with buffoonery, and +made the rest amends by partaking of their scorn together with their +admiration and applause. + +A well-bred man, therefore, will not take more of the discourse than +falls to his share; nor in this will he shew any violent impetuosity +of temper, or exert any loudness of voice, even in arguing; for the +information of the company, and the conviction of his antagonist, are +to be his apparent motives; not the indulgence of his own pride, or an +ambitious desire of victory; which latter, if a wise man should +entertain, he will be sure to conceal with his utmost endeavour; since +he must know that to lay open his vanity in public is no less absurd +than to lay open his bosom to an enemy whose drawn sword is pointed +against it; for every man hath a dagger in his hand ready to stab the +vanity of another wherever he perceives it. + +Having now shewn that the pleasure of conversation must arise from the +discourse being on subjects levelled to the capacity of the whole +company; from being on such in which every person is equally +interested; from every one's being admitted to his share in the +discourse; and, lastly, from carefully avoiding all noise, violence, +and impetuosity; it might seem proper to lay down some particular +rules for the choice of those subjects which are most likely to +conduce to the cheerful delights proposed from this social +communication; but, as such an attempt might appear absurd, from the +infinite variety, and perhaps too dictatorial in its nature, I shall +confine myself to rejecting those topics only which seem most foreign +to this delight, and which are most likely to be attended with +consequences rather tending to make society an evil than to procure us +any good from it. + +And, first, I shall mention that which I have hitherto only +endeavoured to restrain within certain bounds, namely, arguments; but +which, if they were entirely banished out of company, especially from +mixed assemblies, and where ladies make part of the society, it would, +I believe, promote their happiness; they have been sometimes attended +with bloodshed, generally with hatred from the conquered party towards +his victor; and scarce ever with conviction. Here I except jocose +arguments, which often produce much mirth; and serious disputes +between men of learning (when none but such are present), which tend +to the propagation of knowledge and the edification of the company. + +Secondly, slander; which, however frequently used, or however savoury +to the palate of ill-nature, is extremely pernicious, as it is often +unjust and highly injurious to the person slandered, and always +dangerous, especially in large and mixed companies, where sometimes an +undesigned offence is given to an innocent relation or friend of such +person, who is thus exposed to shame and confusion, without having any +right to resent the affront. Of this there have been very tragical +instances; and I have myself seen some very ridiculous ones, but which +have given great pain, as well to the person offended, as to him who +hath been the innocent occasion of giving the offence. + +Thirdly, all general reflections on countries, religions, and +professions, which are always unjust. If these are ever tolerable, +they are only from the persons who with some pleasantry ridicule their +own country. It is very common among us to cast sarcasms on a +neighbouring nation, to which we have no other reason to bear an +antipathy than what is more usual than justifiable, because we have +injured it; but sure such general satire is not founded on truth; for +I have known gentlemen of that nation possessed with every good +quality which is to be wished in a man or required in a friend. I +remember a repartee made by a gentleman of this country, which, though +it was full of the severest wit, the person to whom it was directed +could not resent, as he so plainly deserved it. He had with great +bitterness inveighed against this whole people; upon which one of them +who was present very coolly answered, "I don't know, sir, whether I +have not more reason to be pleased with the compliment you pay my +country than to be angry with what you say against it; since, by your +abusing us all so heavily, you have plainly implied you are not of +it." This exposed the other to so much laughter, especially as he was +not unexceptionable in his character, that I believe he was +sufficiently punished for his ill-mannered satire. + +Fourthly, blasphemy, and irreverent mention of religion. I will not +here debate what compliment a man pays to his own understanding by the +profession of infidelity; it is sufficient to my purpose that he runs +the risque of giving the cruelest offence to persons of a different +temper; for, if a loyalist would be greatly affronted by hearing any +indecencies offered to the person of a temporal prince, how much more +bitterly must a man who sincerely believes in such a being as the +Almighty, feel any irreverence or insult shewn to His name, His +honour, or His institution? And, notwithstanding the impious character +of the present age, and especially of many among those whose more +immediate business it is to lead men, as well by example as precept, +into the ways of piety, there are still sufficient numbers left who +pay so honest and sincere a reverence to religion, as may give us a +reasonable expectation of finding one at least of this stamp in every +large company. + +A fifth particular to be avoided is indecency. We are not only to +forbear the repeating of such words as would give an immediate affront +to a lady of reputation, but the raising of any loose ideas tending to +the offence of that modesty which, if a young woman hath not something +more than the affectation of, she is not worthy the regard even of a +man of pleasure, provided he hath any delicacy in his +constitution. How inconsistent with good-breeding it is to give pain +and confusion to such, is sufficiently apparent; all +_double-entendres_ and obscene jests are therefore carefully to +be avoided before them. But suppose no ladies present, nothing can be +meaner, lower, and less productive of rational mirth, than this loose +conversation. For my own part, I cannot conceive how the idea of jest +or pleasantry came ever to be annexed to one of our highest and most +serious pleasures. Nor can I help observing, to the discredit of such +merriment, that it is commonly the last resource of impotent wit, the +weak strainings of the lowest, silliest, and dullest fellows in the +world. + +Sixthly, you are to avoid knowingly mentioning anything which may +revive in any person the remembrance of some past accident, or raise +an uneasy reflection on a present misfortune or corporal blemish. To +maintain this rule nicely, perhaps, requires great delicacy; but it is +absolutely necessary to a well-bred man. I have observed numberless +breaches of it; many, I believe, proceeding from negligence and +inadvertency; yet I am afraid some may be too justly imputed to a +malicious desire of triumphing in our own superior happiness and +perfections; now, when it proceeds from this motive it is not easy to +imagine anything more criminal. + +Under this head I shall caution my well-bred reader against a common +fault, much of the same nature; which is, mentioning any particular +quality as absolutely essential to either man or woman, and exploding +all those who want it. This renders every one uneasy who is in the +least self-conscious of the defect. I have heard a boor of fashion +declare in the presence of women remarkably plain, that beauty was the +chief perfection of that sex, and an essential without which no woman +was worth regarding; a certain method of putting all those in the +room, who are but suspicious of their defect that way, out of +countenance. + +I shall mention one fault more, which is, not paying a proper regard +to the present temper of the company, or the occasion of their +meeting, in introducing a topic of conversation, by which as great an +absurdity is sometimes committed, as it would be to sing a dirge at a +wedding, or an epithalamium at a funeral. + +Thus I have, I think, enumerated most of the principal errors which we +are apt to fall into in conversation; and though, perhaps, some +particulars worthy of remark may have escaped me, yet an attention to +what I have here said may enable the reader to discover them. At least +I am persuaded that, if the rules I have now laid down were strictly +observed, our conversation would be more perfect, and the pleasure +resulting from it purer and more unsullied, than at present it is. + +But I must not dismiss this subject without some animadversions on a +particular species of pleasantry, which, though I am far from being +desirous of banishing from conversation, requires, most certainly, +some reins to govern, and some rule to direct it. The reader may +perhaps guess I mean raillery; to which I may apply the fable of the +lap-dog and the ass; for, while in some hands it diverts and delights +us with its dexterity and gentleness, in others, it paws, daubs, +offends, and hurts. + +The end of conversation being the happiness of mankind, and the chief +means to procure their delight and pleasure, it follows, I think, that +nothing can conduce to this end which tends to make a man uneasy and +dissatisfied with himself, or which exposes him to the scorn and +contempt of others. I here except that kind of raillery, therefore, +which is concerned in tossing men out of their chairs, tumbling them +into water, or any of those handicraft jokes which are exercised on +those notable persons commonly known by the name of buffoons; who are +contented to feed their belly at the price of their br--ch, and to +carry off the wine and the p--ss of a great man together. This I pass +by, as well as all remarks on the genius of the great men themselves, +who are (to fetch a phrase from school, a phrase not improperly +mentioned on this occasion) great dabs at this kind of facetiousness. + +But, leaving all such persons to expose human nature among themselves, +I shall recommend to my well-bred man, who aims at raillery, the +excellent character given of Horace by Persius:-- + + Omne vafer vitium ridenti Flaccus amico + Tangit, et admissus circum praecordia ludit, + Callidus excusso populum suspendere naso. + +Thus excellently rendered by the late ingenious translator of that +obscure author:-- + + Yet could shrewd Horace, with disportive wit, + Rally his friend, and tickle while he bit; + Winning access, he play'd around the heart, + And, gently touching, prick'd the tainted part. + The crowd he sneer'd; but sneer'd with such a grace, + It pass'd for downright innocence of face. + +The raillery which is consistent with good-breeding is a gentle +animadversion on some foible; which, while it raises a laugh in the +rest of the company, doth not put the person rallied out of +countenance, or expose him to shame and contempt. On the contrary, the +jest should be so delicate that the object of it should be capable of +joining in the mirth it occasions. + +All great vices therefore, misfortunes, and notorious blemishes of +mind or body, are improper subjects of raillery. Indeed, a hint at +such is an abuse and an affront which is sure to give the person +(unless he be one shameless and abandoned) pain and uneasiness, and +should be received with contempt, instead of applause, by all the rest +of the company. + +Again; the nature and quality of the person are to be considered. As +to the first, some men will not bear any raillery at all. I remember a +gentleman who declared he never made a jest, nor would ever take +one. I do not, indeed, greatly recommend such a person for a +companion; but at the same time, a well-bred man, who is to consult +the pleasure and happiness of the whole, is not at liberty to make any +one present uneasy. By the quality, I mean the sex, degree, +profession, and circumstances; on which head I need not be very +particular. With regard to the two former, all raillery on ladies and +superiors should be extremely fine and gentle; and with respect to the +latter, any of the rules I have above laid down, most of which are to +be applied to it, will afford sufficient caution. + +Lastly, a consideration is to be had of the persons before whom we +rally. A man will be justly uneasy at being reminded of those +railleries in one company which he would very patiently bear the +imputation of in another. Instances on this head are so obvious that +they need not be mentioned. In short, the whole doctrine of raillery +is comprized in this famous line:-- + + "_Quid_ de _quoque_ viro, et _cui_ dicas, saepe + caveto." + "Be cautious _what_ you say, _of whom_ and _to whom_" + +And now, methinks, I hear some one cry out that such restrictions are, +in effect, to exclude all raillery from conversation; and, to confess +the truth, it is a weapon from which many persons will do wisely in +totally abstaining; for it is a weapon which doth the more mischief by +how much the blunter it is. The sharpest wit therefore is only to be +indulged the free use of it, for no more than a very slight touch is +to be allowed; no hacking, nor bruising, as if they were to hew a +carcase for hounds, as Shakspeare phrases it. + +Nor is it sufficient that it be sharp, it must be used likewise with +the utmost tenderness and good-nature; and, as the nicest dexterity of +a gladiator is shewn in being able to hit without cutting deep, so is +this of our railler, who is rather to tickle than wound. + +True raillery indeed consists either in playing on peccadilloes, +which, however they may be censured by some, are not esteemed as +really blemishes in a character in the company where they are made the +subject of mirth; as too much freedom with the bottle, or too much +indulgence with women, &c. + +Or, secondly, in pleasantly representing real good qualities in a +false light of shame, and bantering them as ill ones. So generosity +may be treated as prodigality; oeconomy as avarice; true courage as +foolhardiness; and so of the rest. + +Lastly, in ridiculing men for vices and faults which they are known to +be free from. Thus the cowardice of A--le, the dulness of Ch--d, the +unpoliteness of D--ton, may be attacked without danger of offence; and +thus Lyt--n may be censured for whatever vice or folly you please to +impute to him. + +And, however limited these bounds may appear to some, yet, in skilful +and witty hands, I have known raillery, thus confined, afford a very +diverting, as well as inoffensive, entertainment to the whole company. + +I shall conclude this essay with these two observations, which I think +may be clearly deduced from what hath been said. + +First, that every person who indulges his ill-nature or vanity at the +expense of others, and in introducing uneasiness, vexation, and +confusion into society, however exalted or high-titled he may be, is +thoroughly ill-bred. + +Secondly, that whoever, from the goodness of his disposition or +understanding, endeavours to his utmost to cultivate the good-humour +and happiness of others, and to contribute to the ease and comfort of +all his acquaintance, however low in rank fortune may have placed him, +or however clumsy he may be in his figure or demeanour, hath, in the +truest sense of the word, a claim to good-breeding. + + + + + * * * * * + + + + +THE TRUE PATRIOT + +No. 13. + +TUESDAY, JANUARY 28, 1746. + +Qui non recte instituunt atque erudiunt liberos, non solum liberis sed +et reipublicae faciunt injuriam.--CICERO. + +MR ADAMS having favoured me with a second letter, I shall give it the +public without any apology. If anything in it should at first a little +shock those readers who know the world better, I hope they will make +allowances for the ignorance and simplicity of the writer. + +TO THE TRUE PATRIOT. + +MY WORTHY FRIEND,--I am concerned to find, by all our public accounts, +that the rebels still continue in the land. In my last I evidently +proved that their successes were owing to a judgment denounced against +our sins, and concluded with some exhortations for averting the Divine +anger by the only methods which suggested themselves to my mind. These +exhortations, by the event, I perceive have not had that regard paid +to them I had reason to expect. Indeed, I am the more confirmed in +this conjecture, by a lad whom I lately met at a neighbouring +baronet's, where I sojourned the two last days of the year, with my +good friend Mr Wilson. + +This lad, whom I imagined to have been come from school to visit his +friends for the holidays (for though he is perhaps of sufficient age, +I found, on examination, he was not yet qualified for the university), +is, it seems, a man _sui juris_; and is, as I gather from the +young damsels, Sir John's daughters, a member of the society of +_bowes_. I know not whether I spell the word right; for I am not +ashamed to say I neither understand its etymology nor true import, as +it hath never once occurred in any lexicon or dictionary which I have +yet perused. + +Whatever this society may be, either the lad with whom I communed is +an unworthy member, or it would become the government to put it down +by authority; for he uttered many things during our discourse for +which I would have well scourged any of the youth under my care. + +He had not long entered the chamber before he acquainted the damsels +that he and his companions had carried the opera, in opposition to the +puts; by which I afterwards learnt he meant all sober and discreet +persons. "And fags!" says he (I am afraid, though, he made use of a +worse word), "we expected the bishops would have interfered; but if +they had we should have silenced them." I then thought to myself, +Strippling, if I had you well horsed on the back of another lad, I +would teach you more reverence to their lordships. + +This opera, I am informed, is a diversion in which a prodigious sum of +money, more than is to be collected out of twenty parishes, is +lavished away on foreign eunuchs and papists, very scandalous to be +suffered at any time, especially at a season when both war and famine +hang over our heads. + +[Illustration: "He acquainted the damsels that he and his companions +had carried the opera."] + +During the whole time of our repast at dinner the young gentleman +entertained us with an account of several drums and routs at which he +had been present. These are, it seems, large congregations of men and +women, who, instead of assembling together to hear something that is +good, nay, or to divert themselves with gambols, which might be +allowed now and then in holiday times, meet for no other purpose but +that of gaming, for a whole guinea and much more at a stake. At this +married women sit up all night, nay, sometimes till one or two in the +morning, neglect their families, lose their money, and some, Mr Wilson +says, have been suspected of doing even worse than that. Yet this is +suffered in a Christian kingdom; nay (_quod prorsus incredibile +est_), the holy sabbath is, it seems, prostituted to these wicked +revellings; and card-playing goes on as publickly then as on any other +day; nor is this only among the young lads and damsels, who might be +supposed to know no better, but men advanced in years, and grave +matrons, are not ashamed of being caught at the same pastime. _O +tempora! O mores!_ + +When grace was said after meat, and the damsels departed, the lad +began to grow more wicked. Sir John, who is an honest Englishman, hath +no other wine but that of Portugal. This our _bowe_ could not +drink; and when Sir John very nobly declared he scorned to indulge his +palate with rarities, for which he must furnish the foe with money to +carry on a war with the nation, the stripling replied, "Rat the +nation!" (God forgive me for repeating such words) "I had rather live +under French government than be debarred from French wine." Oho, my +youth! if I had you horsed, thinks I again.--But, indeed, Sir John +well scourged him with his tongue for that expression, and I should +have hoped he had made him ashamed, had not his subsequent behaviour +shewn him totally void of grace. For when Sir John asked him for a +toast, which you know is another word for drinking the health of one's +friend or wife, or some person of public eminence, he named the health +of a married woman, filled out a bumper of wine, swore he would drink +her health in vinegar, and at last openly profest he would commit +adultery with her if he could. _Proh pudor!_ Nay, and if such a +sin might admit of any aggravation, she is it seems a lady of very +high degree, _et quidem_, the wife of a lord. + +_Et dies et charta deficerent si omnia vellem percurrere, multa +quldem impura et impudica quae memorare nefas, recitavit_. Nor is +this youth, it seems, a monster or prodigy in the age he lives; on the +contrary, I am told he is an exemplar only of all the rest. + +But I now proceed to what must surprize you. After he had spent an +hour in rehearsing all the vices to which youth have been ever too +much addicted, and shewn us that he was possessed of them all--_Ut +qui impudicus, adulter, ganeo, alea, manu, ventre, pene, bona patria +laceraverat_, he began to enter upon politics: + + O proceres censore opus an haruspice nobis! + +This stripling, this _bowe_, this rake, discovered likewise all +the wickedness peculiar to age, and that he had not, with those vices +which proceed from the warmth of youth, one of the virtues which we +should naturally expect from the same sanguine disposition. He shewed +us that grey hairs could add nothing but hypocrisy to him; for he +avowed public prostitution, laughed at all honour, public spirit, and +patriotism; and gave convincing proofs that the most phlegmatic old +miser upon earth could not be sooner tempted with gold to perpetrate +the most horrid iniquities than himself. + +Whether this youth be (_quod vix credo_) concerned himself in the +public weal, or whether he have his information from others, I hope he +greatly exceeded the truth in what he delivered on this subject; for +was he to be believed, the conclusion we must draw would be, that the +only concern of our great men, even at this time, was for places and +pensions; that, instead of applying themselves to renovate and restore +our sick and drooping commonweal, they were struggling to get closest +to her heart, and, like leeches, to suck her last drop of vital blood. + +I hope, however, better things, and that this lad deserves a good rod +as well for lying as for all his other iniquity; and if his parents do +not take care to have it well laid on, I can assure them they have +much to answer for. + +Mr Wilson now found me grow very uneasy, as, indeed, I had been from +the beginning, nor could anything but respect to the company have +prevented me from correcting the boy long before; he therefore +endeavoured to turn the discourse, and asked our spark when he left +London? To which he answered, the Wednesday before. "How, sir?" said +I; "travel on Christmas Day?" "Was it so?" says he; "fags! that's +more than I knew; but why not travel on Christmas Day as well as any +other?" "Why not?" said I, lifting my voice, for I had lost all +patience; "was you not brought up in the Christian religion? Did you +never learn your catechism?" He then burst out into an unmannerly +laugh, and so provoked me, that I should certainly have smote him, had +I not laid my crabstick down in the window, and had not Mr Wilson been +fortunately placed between us. "Odso! Mr Parson," says he, "are you +there? I wonder I had not smoked you before." "Smoke me!" answered I, +and at the same time leaped from my chair, my wrath being highly +kindled. At which instant a jackanapes, who sat on my left hand, +whipped my peruke from my head, which I no sooner perceived than I +porrected him a remembrance over the face, which laid him sprawling on +the floor. I was afterwards concerned at the blow, though the +consequence was only a bloody nose, and the lad, who was a companion +of the other's, and had uttered many wicked things, which I +pretermitted in my narrative, very well deserved correction. + +A bustle now arose, not worth recounting, which ended in my departure +with Mr Wilson, though we had purposed to tarry there that night. + +In our way home we both lamented the peculiar hardiness of this +country, which seems bent on its own destruction, nor will take +warning by any visitation, till the utmost wrath of Divine vengeance +overtakes it. + +In discoursing upon this subject, we imputed much of the present +profligacy to the notorious want of care in parents in the education +of youth, who, as my friend informs me, with very little +school-learning, and not at all instructed (_ne minime quidem +imbuti_) in any principles of religion, virtue, and morality, are +brought to the great city, or sent to travel to other great cities +abroad, before they are twenty years of age, where they become their +own masters, and enervate both their bodies and minds with all sorts +of diseases and vices before they are adult. + +I shall conclude with a passage in Aristotle's Politics, +lib. viii. cap. I. "[Greek text]" Which, for the sake of women, and +those few gentlemen who do not understand Greek, I have rendered +somewhat paraphrastically in the vernacular:--"No man can doubt but +that the education of youth ought to be the principal care of every +legislator; by the neglect of which, great mischief accrues to the +civil polity in every city." + +I am, while you write like an honest man and a good Christian, your +hearty friend and well-wisher, + + ABRAHAM ADAMS. + + + + + * * * * * + + + + +THE COVENT-GARDEN JOURNAL. + +No. 10. + +TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 1752. + +At nostri proavi Plautinos et numeros, et +Laudavere sales; nimium patienter utrumque, +Ne dicam stulte, mirati. + +MODERNISED. + +In former times this tasteless, silly town +Too fondly prais'd Tom D'Urfey and Tom Brown. + + +THE present age seems pretty well agreed in an opinion, that the +utmost scope and end of reading is amusement only; and such, indeed, +are now the fashionable books, that a reader can propose no more than +mere entertainment, and it is sometimes very well for him if he finds +even this, in his studies. + +Letters, however, were surely intended for a much more noble and +profitable purpose than this. Writers are not, I presume, to be +considered as mere jack-puddings, whose business it is only to excite +laughter: this, indeed, may sometimes be intermixed and served up with +graver matters, in order to titillate the palate, and to recommend +wholesome food to the mind; and for this purpose it hath been used by +many excellent authors: "for why," as Horace says, "should not any one +promulgate truth with a smile on his countenance?" Ridicule indeed, as +he again intimates, is commonly a stronger and better method of +attacking vice than the severer kind of satire. + +When wit and humour are introduced for such good purposes, when the +agreeable is blended with the useful, then is the writer said to have +succeeded in every point. Pleasantry (as the ingenious author of +Clarissa says of a story) should be made only the vehicle of +instruction; and thus romances themselves, as well as epic poems, may +become worthy the perusal of the greatest of men: but when no moral, +no lesson, no instruction, is conveyed to the reader, where the whole +design of the composition is no more than to make us laugh, the writer +comes very near to the character of a buffoon; and his admirers, if an +old Latin proverb be true, deserve no great compliments to be paid to +their wisdom. + +After what I have here advanced I cannot fairly, I think, be +represented as an enemy to laughter, or to all those kinds of writing +that are apt to promote it. On the contrary, few men, I believe, do +more admire the works of those great masters who have sent their +satire (if I may use the expression) laughing into the world. Such are +the great triumvirate, Lucian, Cervantes, and Swift. These authors I +shall ever hold in the highest degree of esteem; not indeed for that +wit and humour alone which they all so eminently possest, but because +they all endeavoured, with the utmost force of their wit and humour, +to expose and extirpate those follies and vices which chiefly +prevailed in their several countries. I would not be thought to +confine wit and humour to these writers. Shakspeare, Moliere, and some +other authors, have been blessed with the same talents, and have +employed them to the same purposes. There are some, however, who, +though not void of these talents, have made so wretched a use of them, +that, had the consecration of their labours been committed to the +hands of the hangman, no good man would have regretted their loss; nor +am I afraid to mention Rabelais, and Aristophanes himself, in this +number. For, if I may speak my opinion freely of these two last +writers, and of their works, their design appears to me very plainly +to have been to ridicule all sobriety, modesty, decency, virtue, and +religion, out of the world. Now, whoever reads over the five great +writers first mentioned in this paragraph, must either have a very bad +head or a very bad heart if he doth not become both a wiser and a +better man. + +In the exercise of the mind, as well as in the exercise of the body, +diversion is a secondary consideration, and designed only to make that +agreeable which is at the same time useful, to such noble purposes as +health and wisdom. But what should we say to a man who mounted his +chamber-hobby, or fought with his own shadow, for his amusement only? +how much more absurd and weak would he appear who swallowed poison +because it was sweet? + +How differently did Horace think of study from our modern readers! + + Quid verum atque decens curo et rogo, et omnis in hoc sum: + Condo et compono, quae mox depromere possim. + +"Truth and decency are my whole care and enquiry. In this study I am +entirely occupied; these I am always laying up, and so disposing that +I can at any time draw forth my stores for my immediate use." The +whole epistle, indeed, from which I have paraphrased this passage, is +a comment upon it, and affords many useful lessons of philosophy. + +When we are employed in reading a great and good author, we ought to +consider ourselves as searching after treasures, which, if well and +regularly laid up in the mind, will be of use to us on sundry +occasions in our lives. If a man, for instance, should be overloaded +with prosperity or adversity (both of which cases are liable to happen +to us), who is there so very wise, or so very foolish, that, if he was +a master of Seneca and Plutarch, could not find great matter of +comfort and utility from their doctrines? I mention these rather than +Plato and Aristotle, as the works of the latter are not, I think, yet +completely made English, and, consequently, are less within the reach +of most of my countrymen. + +But perhaps it may be asked, will Seneca or Plutarch make us laugh? +Perhaps not; but if you are not a fool, my worthy friend, which I can +hardly with civility suspect, they will both (the latter especially) +please you more than if they did. For my own part, I declare, I have +not read even Lucian himself with more delight than I have Plutarch; +but surely it is astonishing that such scribblers as Tom Brown, Tom +D'Urfey, and the wits of our age, should find readers, while the +writings of so excellent, so entertaining, and so voluminous an author +as Plutarch remain in the world, and, as I apprehend, are very little +known. + +The truth I am afraid is, that real taste is a quality with which +human nature is very slenderly gifted. It is indeed so very rare, and +so little known, that scarce two authors have agreed in their notions +of it; and those who have endeavoured to explain it to others seem to +have succeeded only in shewing us that they know it not themselves. If +I might be allowed to give my own sentiments, I should derive it from +a nice harmony between the imagination and the judgment; and hence +perhaps it is that so few have ever possessed this talent in any +eminent degree. Neither of these will alone bestow it; nothing is +indeed more common than to see men of very bright imaginations, and of +very accurate learning (which can hardly be acquired without +judgment), who are entirely devoid of taste; and Longinus, who of all +men seems most exquisitely to have possessed it, will puzzle his +reader very much if he should attempt to decide whether imagination or +judgment shine the brighter in that inimitable critic. + +But as for the bulk of mankind, they are clearly void of any degree of +taste. It is a quality in which they advance very little beyond a +state of infancy. The first thing a child is fond of in a book is a +picture, the second is a story, and the third a jest. Here then is the +true Pons Asinorum, which very few readers ever get over. + +From what I have said it may perhaps be thought to appear that true +taste is the real gift of nature only; and if so, some may ask to what +purpose have I endeavoured to show men that they are without a +blessing which it is impossible for them to attain? + +Now, though it is certain that to the highest consummation of taste, +as well as of every other excellence, nature must lend much +assistance, yet great is the power of art, almost of itself, or at +best with only slender aids from nature; and, to say the truth, there +are very few who have not in their minds some small seeds of +taste. "All men," says Cicero, "have a sort of tacit sense of what is +right or wrong in arts and sciences, even without the help of arts." +This surely it is in the power of art very greatly to improve. That +most men, therefore, proceed no farther than as I have above declared, +is owing either to the want of any, or (which is perhaps yet worse) to +an improper education. + +I shall probably, therefore, in a future paper, endeavour to lay down +some rules by which all men may acquire at least some degree of +taste. In the meanwhile, I shall (according to the method observed in +inoculation) recommend to my readers, as a preparative for their +receiving my instructions, a total abstinence from all bad books. I do +therefore most earnestly intreat all my young readers that they would +cautiously avoid the perusal of any modern book till it hath first had +the sanction of some wise and learned man; and the same caution I +propose to all fathers, mothers, and guardians. + +"Evil communications corrupt good manners," is a quotation of St Paul +from Menander. _Evil books corrupt at once both our manners and our +taste_. + + + * * * * * + + +No. 33. + +SATURDAY, APRIL 23, 1752. + + Odi profanum vulgas.--HOR. + + I hate profane rascals. + +SIR,--In this very learned and enlightened age, in which authors are +almost as numerous as booksellers, I doubt not but your correspondents +furnish you with a sufficient quantity of waste paper. I perhaps may +add to the heap; for, as men do not always know the motive of their +own actions, I may possibly be induced, by the same sort of vanity as +other puny authors have been, to desire to be in print. But I am very +well satisfied with you for my judge, and if you should not think +proper to take any notice of the hint I have here sent you, I shall +conclude that I am an impertinent correspondent, but that you are a +judicious and impartial critic. In my own defence, however, I must say +that I am never better pleased than when I see extraordinary abilities +employed in the support of His honour and religion, who has so +bountifully bestowed them. It is for this reason that I wish you would +take some notice of the character, or rather story, here sent you. In +my travels westward last summer I lay at an inn in Somersetshire, +remarkable for its pleasant situation and the obliging behaviour of +the landlord, who, though a downright rustic, had an awkward sort of +politeness arising from his good-nature that was very pleasing, and, +if I may be allowed the expression, was a sort of good-breeding +undrest. As I intended to make a pretty long journey the next day, I +rose time enough to behold that glorious luminary the sun set out on +his course, which, by-the-by, is one of the finest sights the eye can +behold; and, as it is a thing seldom seen by people of fashion, unless +it be at the theatre at Covent-garden, I could not help laying some +stress upon it here. The kitchen in this inn was a very pleasant room; +I therefore called for some tea, sat me in the window that I might +enjoy the prospect which the country afforded, and a more beautiful +one is not in the power of imagination to frame. This house was +situated on the top of a hill; and for two miles below it meadows, +enlivened with variety of cattle, and adorned with a greater variety +of flowers, first caught my sight. At the bottom of this vale ran a +river which seemed to promise coolness and refreshment to the thirsty +cattle. The eye was next presented with fields of corn that made a +kind of an ascent which was terminated by a wood, at the top of which +appeared a verdant hill situate as it were in the clouds where the sun +was just arrived, and, peeping o'er the summit, which was at this time +covered with dew, gilded it over with his rays and terminated my view +in the most agreeable manner in the world. In a word, the elegant +simplicity of every object round me filled my heart with such +gratitude, and furnished my mind with such pleasing meditations, as +made me thank Heaven I was born. But this state of joyous tranquillity +was not of long duration: I had scarce begun my breakfast, when my +ears were saluted with a genteel whistle, and the noise of a pair of +slippers descending the staircase; and soon after I beheld a contrast +to my former prospect, being a very beauish gentleman, with a huge +laced hat on, as big as Pistol's in the play; a wig somewhat +dishevelled, and a face which at once gave you a perfect idea of +emptiness, assurance, and intemperance. His eyes, which before were +scarce open, he fixt on me with a stare which testified surprise, and +his coat was immediately thrown open to display a very handsome +second-hand gold-laced waistcoat. In one hand he had a pair of +saddlebags, and in the other a hanger of mighty size, both of which, +with a graceful G--d d--n you, he placed upon a chair. Then, advancing +towards the landlord, who was standing by me, he said, "By G--d, +landlord, your wine is damnable strong." "I don't know," replied the +landlord; "it is generally reckoned pretty good, for I have it all +from London."--"Pray, who is your wine merchant?" says the man of +importance. "A very great man," says the landlord, "in his way; +perhaps you may know him, sir; his name is Kirby." "Ah, what! honest +Tom? he and I have cracked many a bottle of claret together; he is one +of the most considerable merchants in the city; the dog is hellish +poor, damnable poor, for I don't suppose he is worth a farthing more +than a hundred thousand pound; only a plum, that's all; he is to be +our lord-mayor next year." "I ask pardon, sir, that is not the man, +for our Mr Kirby's name is not Thomas but Richard." "Ay!" says the +gentleman, "that's his brother; they are partners together." "I +believe," says the landlord, "you are out, sir, for that gentleman has +no brother." "D--n your nonsense, with you and your outs!" says the +beau; "as if I should not know better than you country puts; I who +have lived in London all my lifetime." "I ask a thousand pardons," +says the landlord; "I hope no offence, sir." "No, no," cries the +other; "we gentlemen know how to make allowance for your country +breeding." Then stepping to the kitchen door, with an audible voice he +called the ostler, and in a very graceful accent said, "D--n your +blood, you cock-eyed son of a bitch, bring me my boots! did not you +hear me call?" Then turning to the landlord said, "Faith! that Mr +What-de-callum, the exciseman, is a damned jolly fellow." "Yes, sir," +says the landlord, "he is a merryish sort of a man." "But," says the +gentleman, "as for that schoolmaster, he is the queerest bitch I ever +saw; he looks as if he could not say boh to a goose." "I don't know, +sir," says the landlord; "he is reckoned to be a desperate good +schollard about us, and the gentry likes him vastly, for he +understands the measurement of land and timber, knows how to make +dials and such things; and for ciphering few can outdo 'en." "Ay!" +says the gentleman, "he does look like a cipher indeed, for he did not +speak three words all last night." The ostler now produced the boots, +which the gentleman taking in his hand, and having placed himself in +the chair, addressed in the following speech: "My good friends, Mr +Boots, I tell you plainly that, if you plague me so damnably as you +did yesterday morning, by G-- I'll commit you to the flames; stap my +vituals! as my lord Huntingdon says in the play." He then looked full +in my face, and asked the landlord if he had ever been at Drury-lane +playhouse; which he answered in the negative. "What!" says he, "did +you never hear talk of Mr Garrick and king Richard?" "No, sir," says +the landlord." By G--," says the gentleman, "he is the cleverest +fellow in England." He then spouted a speech out of King Richard, +which begins, "Give me an horse," &c. "There," says he, "that, that is +just like Mr Garrick." Having pleased himself vastly with this +performance, he shook the landlord by the hand with great good-humour, +and said," By G-- you seem to be an honest fellow, and good blood; if +you'll come and see me in London, I'll give you your skinful of wine, +and treat you with a play and a whore every night you stay. I'll show +you how it is to live, my boy. But here, bring me some paper, my girl; +come, let us have one of your love-letters to air my boots." Upon +which the landlord presented him with a piece of an old +newspaper. "D--n you!" says the gent, "this is not half enough; have +you never a Bible or Common Prayer-book in the house? Half a dozen +chapters of Genesis, with a few prayers, make an excellent fire in a +pair of boots." "Oh! Lord forgive you!" says the landlord; "sure you +would not burn such books as those?" "No!" cries the spark; "where was +you born? Go into a shop of London and buy some butter or a quartern +of tea, and then you'll see what use is made of these books." "Ay!" +says the landlord, "we have a saying here in our country that 'tis as +sure as the devil is in London, and if he was not there they could not +be so wicked as they be." Here a country fellow who had been standing +up in one corner of the kitchen eating of cold bacon and beans, and +who, I observed, trembled at every oath this spark swore, took his +dish and pot, and marched out of the kitchen, fearing, as I afterwards +learnt, that the house would fall down about his ears, for he was +sure, he said, "That man in the gold-laced hat was the devil." The +young spark, having now displayed all his wit and humour, and exerted +his talents to the utmost, thought he had sufficiently recommended +himself to my favour and convinced me he was a gentleman. He therefore +with an air addressed himself to me, and asked me which way I was +travelling? To which I gave him no answer. He then exalted his voice; +but, at my continuing silent, he asked the landlord if I was +deaf. Upon which the landlord told him he did not believe the +gentleman was dunch, for that he talked very well just now. The man +of wit whispered in the landlord's ear, and said, "I suppose he is +either a parson or a fool." He then drank a dram, observing that a man +should not cool too fast; paid sixpence more than his reckoning, +called for his horse, gave the ostler a shilling, and galloped out of +the inn, thoroughly satisfied that we all agreed with him in thinking +him a clever fellow and a man of great importance. The landlord, +smiling, took up his money, and said he was a comical gentleman, but +that it was a thousand pities he swore so much; if it was not for +that, he was a very good customer, and as generous as a prince, for +that the night before he had treated everybody in the house. I then +asked him if he knew that comical gentleman, as he called him? "No, +really, sir," said the landlord, "though a gentleman was saying last +night that he was a sort of rider or rideout to a linendraper at +London." This, Mr Censor, I have since found to be true; for, having +occasion to buy some cloth, I went last week into a linendraper's +shop, in which I found a young fellow whose decent behaviour and plain +dress shewed he was a tradesman. Upon looking full in his face I +thought I had seen it before; nor was it long before I recollected +where it was, and that this was the same beau I had met with in +Somersetshire. The difference in the same man in London, where he was +known, and in the country, where he was a stranger, was beyond +expression; and, was it not impertinent to make observations to you, I +could inlarge upon this sort of behaviour; for I am firmly of opinion +that there is neither spirit nor good sense in oaths, nor any wit or +humour in blasphemy. But as vulgar errors require an abler pen than +mine to correct them, I shall leave that task to you, and am, sir, +your humble servant, R. S. + + + + + * * * * * + + + + +FAMILIAR LETTERS. + +NOTE. + +(See _Introduction_.) + +The following five letters were given me by the Author of the +preface. I should have thought this hint unnecessary, had not much +nonsense and scurrility been unjustly imputed to him by the _good +judgment_ or _good-nature_ of the age. They can know but +little of his writings, who want to have them pointed out; but they +know much less of him, who impute any such base and scandalous +productions to his pen. + +Letter cli. + +_A letter from a French gentleman to his friend in Paris; in +imitation of Horace, Addison, and all other writers of travelling +letters. + +Done into English_. + +MONSIEUR,-- + +AT Whitehall we took a pair of oars for Putney. These we had indeed +some difficulty to procure; for many refused to go with us farther +than Foxhall or Ranelagh Gardens. At last we prevailed with two +fellows for three half-crowns to take us on board. + +I have been told there was formerly a law regulating the fares of +these people; but that is to be sure obsolete. I think it pity it was +not revived. + +As the weather was extremely fine, we did not regret the tide's +running against us, since by that means we had more opportunity of +making observations on the finest river in the world except the Seine. + +After taking a survey of the New Bridge, which must be greatly admired +by all who have not seen the Pontneuf, we past by a row of buildings, +not very remarkable for their elegance, being chiefly built of wood, +and irregular. Many of them are supported by pillars; but of what +order we could not plainly discern. + +We came now to Lambeth, where is a palace of the Archbishop of +Canterbury, the metropolitan of England. This is a vast pile of +building, not very beautiful indeed in its structure, but wonderfully +well calculated, as well to signify, as to answer the use for which it +was, I suppose, originally intended; containing a great number of +little apartments for the reception of travelling and distressed +Christians. + +Lambeth is perhaps so called from Lamb, which is the type of meekness. + +The next place of note, as we ascend the river, is Fox-Hall, or rather +Fox-Hole, the first syllable of which is corrupted into Vaux by the +vulgar, who tell a foolish story of one Vaux who resided here, and +attempted to blow up the Thames. But the true reading is Fox-Hole, as +appears by an ancient piece of painting, representing that animal +whence it takes its name, and which is now to be seen on a high wooden +pillar, _Anglice_ a sign-post, not far from the landing-place. + +A very little farther stands Marble-Hall, of which we had a full view +from the water. This is a most august edifice, built all of a rich +marble, which, reflecting the sun-beams, creates an object too +dazzling for the sight. + +Having passed this, we were entertained with a most superb piece of +architecture of white, or rather yellow brick. This belongs to one of +the _bourgeois_, as do indeed most of the villas which border on +both sides this river, and they tend to give as magnificent an idea of +the riches which flow in to these people by trade, as the shipping +doth, which is to be seen below the bridge of London. + +Hence a range of most delicious meadows begins to open, which, being +richly enamelled with flowers of all kinds, seem to contend whether +they shall convey most pleasure to your sight or to your smell. Our +contemplation was however diverted from this scene by a boat, in which +were two young ladies extremely handsome, who accosted us in some +phrase which we, who thought ourselves pretty good masters of the +English tongue, did not understand. They were answered however by our +watermen, who afterwards told us, that this is called water-language; +and consequently, I suppose, not to be learned on shore. + +The next place which presents itself on the Surry side (for I reserve +the other shore for my return) is the pleasant village of Battersea; +the true reading of which we conjectured to be Bettersee; and that it +was formerly a bishoprick, and had the preference to Shelsee, of which +we shall speak anon. It is chiefly famous at present for affording a +retreat to one of the greatest statesmen of his time, who hath here a +magnificent palace. + +From Bettersee, verging to the south-west, stands Wanser, as it is +vulgarly called; but its true name was undoubtedly Windmill-Shore, +from whence it is a very easy corruption; and several windmills are +yet to be found in its neighbourhood. Here are to be seen a parish +church, and some houses; but it is otherwise little worth the +curiosity of travellers. + +As you sail from hence, two lofty towers at once salute your eyes from +opposite shores of the river, divided by a magnificent wooden +bridge. That on the Surry shore is called Putney or Putnigh, a fair +and beautiful town, consisting principally of one vast street, which +extends from north to south, and is adorned with most beautiful +buildings. + +Here we went ashore, in order to regale ourselves in one of their +houses of entertainment, as they are called; but in reality there is +no entertainment at them. Here were no tarts nor cheesecakes, nor any +sort of food but an English dish called _bread and cheese_, and +some raw flesh. + +But if it be difficult to find anything to allay hunger, it is still +more so to quench your thirst. There is a liquor sold in this country +which they call wine (most of the inhabitants indeed call it +_wind_). Of what ingredients it is composed I cannot tell; but +you are not to conceive, as the word seems to import, that this is a +translation of our French word _vin_, a liquor made of the juice +of the grape; for I am very well assured there is not a drop of any +such juice in it. There must be many ingredients in this liquor, from +the many different tastes; some of which are sweet, others sour, and +others bitter; but though it appeared so nauseous to me and my friend, +that we could not swallow it, the English relish it very well; nay, +they will often drink a gallon of it at a sitting; and sometimes in +their cups (for it intoxicates) will wantonly give it the names of all +our best wines. + +However, though we found nothing to eat or drink, we found something +to pay. I send you a copy of the bill produced us on this occasion, as +I think it a curiosity: + + _s. d_. + For Bred and Bear 0 8 + Eating 2 0 + Wind 5 0 + Watermen's Eating and Lickor 1 6 + ---- + 9 2 + +So that, with the drawer, we were at the expence of ten shillings; +though no Catholic ever kept an Ash-Wednesday better. + +The drawers here may want some explanation. You must know then, that +in this country, in whatever house you eat or drink, whether private +or public, you are obliged to pay the servants a fee at your +departure, otherwise they certainly affront you. + +These fees are called vails; and they serve instead of wages: for +though in private houses the master generally contracts with his +servant to give him wages, yet these are seldom or never paid; and +indeed the vails commonly amount to much more. + +From Putnigh we crossed over to the other shore, where stands the fair +and beautiful town of Fullhome, vulgarly called Fulham. It is +principally remarkable for being the residence of a bishop; but a +large grove of trees prevented our seeing his palace from the water. + +These two towns were founded by two sisters; and they received their +names from the following occasion. These ladies being on the Surry +shore, called for a boat to convey them across the water. The watermen +being somewhat lazy, and not coming near enough to the land, the lady +who had founded the town which stands in Surry, bid them _put +nigh;_ upon which her sister immediately cried out, "A good omen; +let _Putnigh_ be the name of the place." When they came to the +other side, she who had founded the other town, ordered the watermen +to push the boat _full home;_ her sister then returned the +favour, and gave the name of _Fullhome_ to the place. + +Here stands a most stately and magnificent bridge. We enquired of the +watermen by whose benefaction this was built. "Benefaction, do you +call it?" says one of them with a sneer; "I heartily wish it had been +by mine; there hath been a fine parcel of money got by that +_job_;" a name which the English give to all works of a public +nature: for so grateful are these people, that nobody ever doth +anything for the public, but he is certain to make his fortune by it. + +We now returned by the shore of Middlesex, and passed by several +beautiful meadows, where the new-mowed hay would have wonderfully +delighted our smell, had it not been for a great variety of dead dogs, +cats, and other animals, which being plentifully bestrewed along this +shore, a good deal abated the sweetness which must have otherwise +impregnated the air. + +We at length arrived at Shelsee, a corruption of Shallowsee; for the +word shallow signifies empty, worthless. Thus a shallow purse and a +shallow fellow are words of contempt. This, formerly, was doubtless a +small bishoprick, and inferior to that on the other side of the water, +which was called Bettersee. + +Here are many things worthy the curiosity of travellers. This place is +famous for the residence of Don Saltero, a Spanish nobleman, who hath +a vast collection of all sorts of rarities; but we had no time to see +them. + +Here is likewise a walk called Paradise Row, from the delightful +situation, and the magnificent buildings with which it is adorned. We +had certainly gone on shore to admire the beauty of this walk; but +here being no landing-place, we must have spoiled our stockings by +stepping into the mud; and were besides informed that the road was so +abominably dirty that it would be difficult to cross, the rather, as +it seemed entirely stopped up by a great number of dust-carts. + +A little farther stands an hospital, or rather a palace, for the +reception of old and wounded soldiers. A benefaction of so noble a +kind, that it really doth honour to the English nation. Here are some +very beautiful apartments, which they told us belonged to the +officers; a word which led us into a mistake, as we afterwards +discovered: for we imagined that these apartments were allotted to +those gentlemen who had borne commissions in the army, and who had, by +being disabled in the service, entitled themselves to the public +favour; but on farther enquiry, we were surprized to find there was no +provision at all for any such; and that these officers were a certain +number of placemen, who had never borne arms, nor had any military +merit whatever. + +Beyond this stands Ranelagh, of which we shall say no more than that +it is a very large round room, and will contain abundance of +people. This is indeed a sufficient recommendation to the English, who +never inquire farther into the merit of any diversion, when they hear +it is very much frequented. A humour, of which we saw many instances: +all their publick places being either quite empty of company, or so +crouded, that we could hardly get to them. + +Hence sailing by a shore where we saw little very remarkable, save +only the carcases of animals, which were here in much greater quantity +than we had before found them, we arrived at a place called Mill-Bank, +or Mile-Bank; and soon after we passed, as we were informed, by the +Senate-houses; but though we went within a few yards of them, we could +not discern with any certainty which were they. + +Having again shot (as they call it) the New Bridge, we saw the palace +of a nobleman, who hath the honour to be a Duke of France as well as +of England, and the happiness to be greatly esteemed in both +countries. + +Near this palace stands that of another Duke, who, among other great +and good qualities, is reputed the most benevolent man in the world. + +A little further we saw the palace of an Earl, of a very high +character likewise among his countrymen; and who, in times of +corruption, hath maintained the integrity of an old Roman. + +The palaces of these three noblemen, who do a real honour to their +high rank, and who are greatly beloved and respected by their country, +are extremely elegant in their buildings, as well as delightful in +their situation; and, to be sincere, are the only edifices that +discover any true taste which we saw in all our voyage. + +We now approached to Hungerford-Stairs, the place destined for our +landing; where we were entertained with a sight very common, it seems, +in this country: this was the ducking of a pickpocket. When we were +first told this, we imagined it might be the execution of some legal +sentence: but we were informed, that his executioners had been +likewise his judges. + +To give you some idea of this (for it is impossible for any one who +doth not live in what they call a free country, to have an adequate +notion of a mob) whenever a pickpocket is taken in the fact, the +person who takes him calls out "pickpocket." Upon which word, the mob, +who are always at hand in the street, assemble; and having heard the +accusation, and sometimes the defence (though they are not always very +strict as to the latter, judging a good deal by appearances), if they +believe the accuser, the prisoner is sentenced to be ducked; and this +sentence is immediately executed with such rigour, that he hardly +escapes with his life. + +The mob take cognizance of all other misdemeanours which happen in the +streets, and they are a court, which generally endeavours to do +justice, though they sometimes err, by the hastiness of their +decisions. Perhaps it is the only court in the world, where there is +no partiality arising from respect of persons. + +They are great enemies to the use of swords, as they are weapons with +which they are not intrusted. If a gentleman draws a sword, though it +be only _in terrorem_ to defend himself, he is certain to be very +severely treated by them; but they give great encouragement to their +superiors, who will condescend to shew their courage in the way which +the mob themselves use, by boxing, of which we shall presently shew +you an instance. + +Our boat was now with some difficulty close to the landing-place; for +there was a great croud of boats, every one of which, instead of +making way for us, served to endeavour to keep us out. Upon this +occasion many hundred curses passed between our watermen and their +fellows, and not a few affronts were cast on us, especially as we were +drest after the manner of our country. + +At last we arrived safe on shore, where we payed our watermen, who +grumbled at our not giving them something to drink (for all the +labouring people in this country apply their hire only to eatables, +for which reason they expect something over and above to drink). + +As we walked towards the Strand, a drayman ran his whip directly into +my friend's face, perhaps with no design of doing this, but at the +same time, without any design of avoiding it. My friend, who is +impatient of an affront, immediately struck the carter with his fist, +who attempted to return the favour with his whip; but Monsieur +Bellair, who is extremely strong and active, and who hath learnt to +box in this country, presently closed in with him, and tript up his +heels. + +The mob now assembled round us, and being pleased with my friend for +not having drawn his sword, inclined visibly to his side, and +commended many blows which he gave his adversary, and other feats of +activity, which he displayed during the combat, that lasted some +minutes; at the end of which, the drayman yielded up the victory, +crying with a sneer--"D---n you, you have been on the stage, or I am +mistaken." + +The mob now gave a huzza in my friend's favour, and sufficiently +upbraided his antagonist, who, they said, was well enough served for +affronting a gentleman. + +Monsieur Bellair had on the beginning of the scuffle, while the enemy +lay on the ground, delivered his sword to one of the bystanders; which +person had unluckily walked off in the croud, without remembering to +restore it. + +Upon this the mob raged violently, and swore vengeance against the +thief, if he could be discovered; but as this could not be done, he +was obliged at length to submit to the loss. + +When we began to depart, several of our friends demanded of us +something to drink; but as we were more out of humour with the loss, +than pleased with the glory obtained, we could not be prevailed upon +to open our purses. + +The company were incensed with this. We were saluted with the titles +of _Mounshire_, and other contemptuous appellations; several +missile weapons, such as dirt, &c., began likewise to play on us, and +we were both challenged to fight by several, who told my friend, +though he beat the drayman, he was not above half a man. + +We then made the best of our way, and soon escaped into a +Hackney-coach. + +Thus I have sent you a particular account of this voyage, from some +parts of which you may perhaps conclude, that the meanest rank of +people are in this country better provided for than their superiors; +and that the gentry, at least those of the lower class of that order, +fare full as well in other places: for, to say the truth, it appears +to me, that an Englishman in that station is liable to be opprest by +all above him, and insulted by all below him. + +I am, &c. + + +THE END. + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Miscellanies, Volume 2, by Henry Fielding + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MISCELLANIES, VOLUME 2 *** + +This file should be named 6828.txt or 6828.zip + +Produced by Anurag Garg, Charles Franks +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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