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-The Project Gutenberg eBook of Shepherds for Science, by W. C. Tuttle
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and
-most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
-whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms
-of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at
-www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you
-will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before
-using this eBook.
-
-Title: Shepherds for Science
-
-Author: W. C. Tuttle
-
-Release Date: January 10, 2022 [eBook #67139]
-
-Language: English
-
-Produced by: Roger Frank and Sue Clark
-
-*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SHEPHERDS FOR SCIENCE ***
-
-
-
-
-
- Shepherds For Science
-
- by W. C. Tuttle
-
- Author of “Local Option in Loco Land,” “Evidently Not,” etc.
-
-
-Me and Dirty Shirt Jones prods our three burros across the border of
-Yaller Rock County, points north through the country where God dumped
-the leavings after He made the Bad Lands, and has visions of the old
-home town.
-
-Me and Dirty has abandoned the idea of finding gold where she ain’t,
-and right now we’re herding our sore-footed jassacks towards the
-flesh-pots of Piperock town.
-
-We’re cutting around the side of a hill, when all to once we discerns
-the figure of a man setting on a rock ahead of us.
-
-He looks a heap like he was figuring out the why and whatfor of all
-things. He humps there in the sun, a long, lean, pathetic-looking
-figure, despondency showing even in the curves of his cartridge-belt.
-I feels sorry for him long before our lead burro halts before him and
-lets us arrive.
-
-The figure raises its head, peers at that gray burro, and when we stop
-he gets to his feet, turns to us and snaps:
-
-“Hold up your hands! Both of you!”
-
-Me and Dirty jerks our hands above our heads, and this fretful-looking
-hombre with the good-by forever mustache and weary eyes squints at us
-and says—
-
-“You both solemnly swear to uphold the law vested in you as deputy
-sheriffs of Yaller Rock County, so help you Gawd?”
-
-Me and Dirty nods and puts down our hands.
-
-“Now,” says Magpie Simpkins, sheriff of Yaller Rock County, “I feel a
-danged sight better.”
-
-We nods again, sets down beside him, and rolls smokes. After while
-Magpie scratches his nose and pinches out the light of his cigaret.
-
-“What you doing here—hunting snakes?” asks Dirty.
-
-Magpie shakes his head and digs into the dirt with his heels.
-
-“Of course it ain’t none of our business,” says I, “but I would like
-to know why you inoculates us with sheriffitis without warning.”
-
-“Sheep,” says he, soft-like. “Just sheep, Ike.”
-
-“Which there never was nor never will be,” states Dirty. “You mean
-just plain sheep, don’t you, Magpie?”
-
-“That is as may be, Dirty.”
-
-Magpie fingers his mustache, and nods.
-
-“Well,” says I, “me and Dirty hankers for home, so I reckon we might
-as well drift along, Magpie.”
-
-“No,” says he, sad-like. “You ain’t going no place, Ike. You’re
-arrived. Do you reckon I deputized you for fun?”
-
-“Sheep,” pronounces Dirty, “don’t mean nothing at all to me. I sure am
-contemptuous of all things pertaining to wool.”
-
-“Me, I votes against anything that blats,” says I.
-
-“I don’t love ’em!” snaps Magpie. “Don’t see me packing no sheep-dip
-to alleviate their sufferings, do you?”
-
-We don’t seem to, so we all sets there, humped over in the sun. After
-while Magpie clears his throat.
-
-“‘Alphabetical’ Allen and ‘Scenery’ Sims own three thousand woollies,”
-says he. “Scenery was a silent pardner, being as he’s a cow-man, which
-hates sheep. Alphy gets Scenery to unhook a thousand dollars to buy
-some fancy stock. _Sabe?_ Well, Alphy bought ’em—red, white and blue
-ones, in stacks, the same of which ain’t productive none to speak
-about.
-
-“Scenery chides Alphy to the extent that Alphy gets disgruntled and
-wishes to separate the herd, fifty-fifty, without considering the
-thousand he lost over the green cloth. Alphy contends that him and
-Scenery has agreed to suffer gains and losses together, and
-furthermore that he lost a lot of his own money at the same sitting,
-the same of which makes them feller sufferers.
-
-“Such a open declaration causes some smoke and a little noise in
-Piperock, but neither of them gets shot up enough for us to declare a
-holiday. Scenery plasters a attachment on the herd, and then Alphy
-limps to Judge Steele’s wickiup and prays for a receiver.
-
-“Being as I’m the sheriff I has to serve said attachment, and also
-being as I’m a danged fool I’m appointed as the receiver. The county
-didn’t elect me to herd sheep, gents. Over on the other side of that
-hill is the sheep. Somewhere over there is the tent. All very simple.”
-
-Magpie fusses with his mustache for a moment and then gets to his
-feet. He slaps our lead burro with his hat, and hitches up his belt.
-
-“Come on, mules! Hump yourselves!”
-
-“Where to, feller?” asks Dirty. “Them is our burros, Magpie.”
-
-“You won’t need ’em,” says he, weary-like, “so I’ll take ’em home for
-you. All I ask is this: Take care of the sheep.”
-
-“Sheep?” I yells.
-
-“S-h-e-e-p,” he spells, counting the letters on the fingers of his
-left hand with the barrel of the gun in his right. “Just sheep, Ike.
-Keep—your—hands—off—that—gun!”
-
-“Yea-a-a-a-a-h!” blats Dirty, excited-like. “Explain yourself,
-feller.”
-
-“You—” Magpie points at Dirty— “are the receiver. _Sabe?_ I hereby
-makes you deputy receiver of them sheep, and I honors Ike by making
-him deputy attacher. Ike always was attached to sheep. May the Lord
-have a little mercy on your souls, and—don’t lose any sheep. Come on,
-canaries.”
-
-Me and Dirty sets there like a pair of mummies and watches that
-forlorn-looking hombre herd our long-eared rolling-stock across the
-hills. Dirty jerks a rock at a sand-lizard, and yanks his hat down
-over his ears. We glares at each other for a moment.
-
-“Shepherd!” hisses Dirty. “You sheep-attacher!”
-
-“Ditto!” I hisses back at him. “You sheep-receptacle!”
-
- * * * * *
-
-If there ever was an age when jackrabbits spoke with tin-whistle
-voices Scenery Sims was a throwback to that period. Him and
-Alphabetical Allen are two things, the same of which the dictionary
-designates as inanimate objects. If you can imagine a pair of ciphers
-with the rims rubbed out—you’ve got my opinion of them two _hombres_
-to a gnat’s eyebrow.
-
-“I’m going to kill Magpie Simpkins some day,” says Dirty, mean-like.
-
-“Uh-huh,” says I. “That sounds like you, Dirty. You’re always going to
-kill somebody the day after. You think too slow.” We sets there a
-while longer, and then Dirty yawns.
-
-“Might as well find ’em, I reckon. You attach ’em and I’ll do the
-receiving, Ike.” We pokes over the ridge, and after going about a mile
-we hears the voices of lamblets, and then we sees the teepee, which we
-deciphers to be the sheep-camp. In her callow youth she might have
-been a tent, but the wear and tear of sheeping existence has put her
-in the sere and yaller leaf, with a touch of color, where somebody’s
-red-flannel shirt has patched up a hole in one side.
-
-“Well,” says Dirty, “she ain’t much, but it’s home, Ike.”
-
-“It is ever so humble,” I agrees, and we slid down to it.
-
-As we walks up to the front the flap opens, and out comes the head of
-an inhuman being. This face is so classified, ’cause no human being
-could have so much hair on its face and still breathe—not without
-gills.
-
-“Holee henhawks!” gasps Dirty. “Who have we here?”
-
-“Aye am de ship-hoorder,” comes from a hole in the hair.
-
-“Bale of hay from Sweden!” gasps Dirty, and the hair opens again.
-
-“Aye am de ship-hoorder.”
-
-“What a dugout for dandruff!” says I.
-
-“Yah! Who are you fallers?”
-
-“Your successors,” says I. “You can tie up your war-sack and pilgrim.”
-
-“Haw?” He seems to think it over, and shakes his head.
-
-“Aye tank Aye stay. Das iss my yob. Aye am de ship-hoorder.”
-
-“You don’t need to classify yourself,” grins Dirty. “Nature tagged
-you. Us two are going to dry-nurse this bunch of animated socks and
-underwear, so you might as well kiss ’em a fond fare-thee-well.”
-
-The hairy one shakes his head, and peers at us out of a pair of little
-eyes.
-
-“He say to me, ‘O-o-o-laf, I gif you twanty dollar month.’ He say dat
-an’ Aye stay for one month. Fifteen day Aye stay today.”
-
-“This has been a long day for you, Olaf,” agrees Dirty. “Ike, do you
-get that jargon?”
-
-“Sure. Alphabetical or Scenery promised him twenty a month, and today
-makes fifteen days he has reigned.”
-
-“No rain,” says Olaf. “Dry as ——! Aye stay.”
-
-He ducked back under the tent, and a second later he sticks his head
-out again, and beside that bunch of hair is the muzzle of a rifle.
-
-“Aye tank Aye stay,” he announces, and ducks inside again.
-
-“Defied by a barber-boycotter,” grunts Dirty. “Are we bluffed, Ike?”
-
-“Not from my point of view,” says I. “You take one side and I’ll take
-the other.” There was four guy-ropes on each side, and it just took
-four kicks per each to make that tent unsupporting, and the poor old
-thing comes down upon Olaf. Then me and Dirty assumes reclining
-positions, while Olaf wastes a few cartridges, wild-like.
-
-Then he emerges from a hole in the wreck, in time to be mounted by
-Dirty Shirt, who rode that shepherd to the queen’s taste. Olaf pitched
-considerable, but gave it up, and seemed receptive to civilized
-argument.
-
-“Still think you’ll stay?” asks Dirty.
-
-“Val, Aye go pretty soon but Aye coom back now,” pants Olaf, pawing
-the alkali out of his whiskers. “Aye boost some-t’ing.”
-
-“You talk like you had,” admits Dirty.
-
-“Aye coom back—yah! Aye get de law.”
-
-“Yeah?” says Dirty. “Look at us, shepherd. We’re the law. _Sabe?_”
-
-He looks at us, and his whiskers seem a heap agitated.
-
-“You—are—de—law?” he asks, deliberate-like.
-
-“You are looking at it,” grins Dirty. “How does she look?”
-
-“Val—” he hitches up his rope belt, and picks up his war-sack—“val,
-Aye can say dis mooch: Yorge Hokansen hay say to me, O-o-olaf, das
-country has too mooch bum law and no yustice! Yorge iss smart—you
-bet.”
-
-And me and Dirty stood there and watched the Hairy One fade out over
-the hills towards Silver Bend.
-
-“I hope he forgets us before he loads up on alcohol,” says Dirty. “I
-hate to chase even a shepherd off his job, but I reckon we’re sort of
-shepherds-in-law, Ike, and we ain’t to blame. Let’s inventory the
-grub.”
-
-In the grub-box is one can of milk, one can of corn, a little coffee
-and a quart of raw alcohol.
-
-Dirty nods over the assortment.
-
-“That shepherd was good for fifteen days more, Ike, but the law sure
-is going to suffer internally. Let’s put up the tent.”
-
-Olaf left too soon to enjoy the rain. She came down plentiful and
-awful, and demonstrated to us that red flannel ain’t noways
-water-proof. When the morning came we peers out into a wet world, and
-tries to dry out enough tobacco to make a smoke. Then cometh a
-interruption from without:
-
-“Say, you lousy, slew-footed, blat-headed sheep-herder, come out
-here!”
-
-“Somebody calling you, Dirty,” says I.
-
-“Not me, Ike. Somebody has been getting your mail.”
-
-“Coming out?” yells the voice again.
-
-“You sap-headed snake-hunter!”
-
-“Talks like a cow-man,” opines Dirty.
-
-“Maybe he’s making us a visit.”
-
- * * * * *
-
-Dirty throws the tent-flap open, and we gets a view of a feller on a
-roan bronc.
-
-“Say, you——” he begins, but he’s looking down the muzzle of Dirty’s
-gun, and his voice fails him.
-
-“Speaking to me?” asks Dirty, soft-like.
-
-“You better put down that gun,” says he. “It might save you a lot of
-trouble.”
-
-“Yes,” says Dirty, “and if it went off and killed you, feller, it
-would likely save you a lot of trouble, if this is the way you’re in
-the habit of speaking to strangers. What seems to itch you?”
-
-“Your sheep!” he yelps. “Half your danged woollies are over my line!
-You agreed to keep them stinking sheep this side of the Mesquite, and
-this morning I finds half of them across. “You get ’em out of there
-pretty danged suddenlike or I’ll massacree the bunch. _Sabe?_”
-
-“You don’t dare,” opines Dirty.
-
-“The —— I don’t! Just about why?”
-
-“Against the law. Them sheep are within the law, mister.”
-
-“Yah? Well, let me tell you something, you lousy shepherd: I’ll get my
-punchers and we’ll show you! We’ll chase ’em so far that——”
-
-“Get off!” orders Dirty. “You’re up so high I can’t hear your voice.”
-
-He had a gun, but I reckon he also had a weak heart, so he got off and
-gave me his gun. I reckon he’d ’a’ given us his weak heart, too, if
-we’d asked for it, ’cause Dirty has a nervous way of fingering a
-trigger.
-
-“What in —— are you going to do now?” he asks.
-
-“Hoord ships,” grins Dirty. “I’m ship-hoorder.”
-
-“Oh!” says he. “You’re the Swede herder that ‘Alcohol’ Adams spoke
-about.”
-
-“What did he say?”
-
-“Said you didn’t have brains enough to wad a shotgun with.”
-
-“What do you think?” I asks.
-
-“Well—” he looks at Dirty’s gun, serious-like—“well, not to mean any
-offense, but I’d say that Alcohol exaggerated a little, he meant a
-twenty-two.”
-
-Be it known that Alcohol Adams is so ornery that his own dog barks at
-him. He’d steal money from his own kids, and then lick thunder out of
-them for losing it. Mosquitoes, horse-flies and rattlesnakes turn him
-down like a white chip in a no-limit stud game, and his soul is so
-small and elusive that he has to drink straight alcohol in order to
-exhilarate it.
-
-Yaller Rock got so disgusted with him that they sent him to the
-Legislature, where he collected all the loose money in sight, and
-showed his appreciation of things by passing a few laws favoring
-sheep. He orated his views in Piperock, the same of which was contrary
-to our religion, and—let me admit that some poor shooting was done.
-
-When he hit Paradise there was three hunks of lead in the cantle of
-his saddle, which proved we held too low or the range was too great.
-We held a mass meeting that night, and Magpie Simpkins chided us over
-our lack of ability.
-
-We agreed to set aside six practise shots per day, against the time
-that Alcohol or any other lawmaker might appear in our midst. I hopes
-you hereby _sabes_ something of Alcohol’s nature.
-
-“You can’t run no blazer on me,” says this feller. “I’m ‘Sandy’
-Sorensen. What you going to do?”
-
-“Borrow your bronc,” says Dirty. “We’ll ride that roan double, Ike.”
-
-“Won’t ride double,” says he.
-
-“Maybe it never has,” corrects Dirty, taking his foot out of the
-stirrup. “Come up, Ike.”
-
-Sandy sure diagnosed that bronc right. I’d trail my bet with his when
-he says it won’t ride double—not meek-like. A bronc can’t do its best
-with two hundred and ninety pounds on its back, but I hope to gosh I
-never ride that bronc single-handed when it’s riled.
-
-Man, that animal done everything except fly, and at that the danged
-thing went high enough to convince the most skeptical that all it
-needed was a short pair of wings to make good in that respect. First
-it gives a correct imitation of a post-hole digger, and then it goes
-down that gully, changing ends like a whirligig. I’ve got my wish-bone
-hooked over Dirty’s shoulder, and every hop I can feel my finger
-slipping higher and higher up that cantle.
-
-Sandy rides a double-rig saddle, and when we hits the first turn of
-the gully I feels the rear cinch bust. From that on it’s like riding a
-rocking-chair over sticks of dynamite.
-
-The roan bucks along the edge of the washout, the bottom of which is
-about ten feet below us, and I just starts to yelp, “Don’t get scared,
-Dirty; she won’t buck down there,” when we hit the bottom, and I bit
-my tongue over the first word.
-
-My vertebræ comes together like a string of box-cars getting hit by a
-wild engine, and then we yanked out of there and went angling up the
-hill as fast as that bronc can run.
-
-“Still alive?” I yelps.
-
-“From my chin on up!” he yells. “Wonder what this fool wants to climb
-the hill for, Ike?”
-
-“Can’t you stop her?” I asks.
-
-“Bridle’s gone, Ike. Ha-a-a-ang on!”
-
-We found out why the roan wanted to get a down-hill pull on us, ’cause
-as soon as we hit the grade the animal inagurates a new style of
-bucking. Was it effective? Oh, man, I’d rise to remark it was. I just
-hung on and prayed. I used up all the white man’s religion I ever
-heard about, and I’m just beginning to make medicine to the totem of
-the Alaskan Siwash when the cinch breaks.
-
-I feels myself float into space, and then I goes out in a blaze of
-bright lights. After while Old Man Misery seems to come along and runs
-his fingers all over my carcass, and then I opens my eyes. I’m laying
-on my back with my feet up the side of a rock, and a short distance
-from me is Dirty, hanging by the back of his shirt to an old
-mesquite-snag.
-
- * * * * *
-
-Standing there beside a pair of packed burros is the queerest-looking
-pair of pelicans I ever seen. They’re both wearing hard hats and
-black-rimmed specs, and what you might expect such persons to wear in
-the line of shirts, collars and neckties, but from the waist on down
-they’re clad in chaps and boots.
-
-One of ’em is wearing a pair of Mexican spurs—the kind with rowels the
-size of a dollar and eighty-five cents. One of them has a belt draped
-around his waist, and in the holster is one of them single-shot
-twenty-two pistols. The other is packing a pump shotgun.
-
-One of ’em removes his specs and polishes ’em, careful-like.
-
-“Quite remarkable, my friend!” says he. “Quite remarkable.
-The—er—equine was no doubt desirous of removing its burden.”
-
-“One would be led to accept such a theory,” nods the other. “We have
-observed the effect, my dear Middleton, but of course we know nothing
-of the cause. It really was quite remarkable.”
-
-“Holee suffering scissorbills!” grunts Dirty, leaving half his shirt
-on the snag and staggering to his feet. He stares at them and at me.
-
-“Ike, do you see the same thing I do?” he whispers.
-
-“I hope so,” says I, lowering my feet. “I hope I do, Dirty, otherwise
-I’m a goner mentally. Is one of them apparitions wearing spurs?”
-
-“Thank ——!” gasps Dirty. “We see the same little details, Ike.”
-
-“You see, Pettingill?” crows one of ’em. “You objected to the boots
-and spurs, but the customs of a country must be observed. It is well.”
-
-“Perhaps they will enlighten us to the best of their ability,” says
-Pettingill, adjusting his specs. “It will do no harm to inquire.”
-
-“My dear gentlemen,” says the one called Middleton, “may we ask you a
-question?”
-
-“You can take a chance,” nods Dirty.
-
-“Well—er—before I ask the question it might be well to introduce
-ourselves. I am Professor Middleton of Boston, and the gentleman with
-me is Professor Pettingill of Philadelphia.”
-
-“We appreciates it considerable,” says Dirty, solemn-like. “I am of
-the Jones tribe, from here or hereabouts, and called Dirty Shirt. The
-person with me is a Harper offspring, called Ike. Where are you from,
-Ike?”
-
-“There or thereabouts,” says I.
-
-“Exactly,” says Professor Middleton. “Now the question is this:
-Pettingill and myself are dabbling in a few problems outside of our
-regular work, and this one has come to our notice: Are sheepherders
-really insane? Do they acquire insanity from their occupation? Is
-there anything about a—er—sheep that would cause a normal man to lose
-his mind, as it were?”
-
-“Yes,” nods Dirty. “It is.”
-
-“Exactly,” says Middleton. “You are following me?”
-
-“I hope nobody sees me if I do,” grins Dirty.
-
-“I contend that one’s information on such a problem must come from
-personal observation and not from hearsay or opinions of others. We
-refuse to take circumstantial evidence, as it were. It seems that some
-of the natives are—well, a bit touchy on the subject. I asked a
-gentleman for his opinion, and he—well he——”
-
-“How so?” I asks.
-
-“At your city of Silver Bend I approached a man who was clad in
-leather trousers, and I asked him if I could get a little information
-from him regarding sheep. I am sure my tones were not belligerent, and
-I properly introduced myself before propounding the question.”
-
-“What did he say?” I asked.
-
-“He did not answer. He deliberately crushed my hat over my nose and
-kicked my feet from under me.”
-
-“It is very true,” nods the other one. “I—I thought perhaps we had met
-up with just the character we were investigating—a mentally unbalanced
-sheep person. I soothed him to the best of my ability, begging him to
-curb his profanity. Thinking to humor him, I said—in kind tones:
-
-“‘My dear fellow, there was no offense intended to you or your sheep.
-We all love the little lambs.’”
-
-“Then what?” asks Dirty.
-
-“Well, it may have been a coarse way of describing it, but another
-fellow came along after the mentally unbalanced one had stridden away,
-and he said—
-
-“‘My ——, what a mess!’”
-
-“Who told you that shepherds were all crazy?” asks Dirty.
-
-“It has been said,” replies Professor Middleton. “We are
-investigating.”
-
-“Just what does the word ‘crazy’ mean?” I asks.
-
-“Crazy?” Professor Pettingill looks shocked at our ignorance. “Crazy
-means decrepit; weak; feeble; of weakened or disordered intellect.”
-
-“Come to think of it,” remarks Professor Middleton, “that party who
-assaulted us was neither decrepit, weak nor feeble, Pettingill,”
-
-“He was likely mad as —— opines Dirty.
-
-“At least that is a good simile,” nods Pettingill.
-
-“Just about where are you pelicans headed for?” asks Dirty.
-
-“Headed for?” asks Pettingill. “Where are we going? We desire to
-locate as near as possible to the habitat of the shepherd. We
-purchased the mules from a person in Silver Bend, who assisted us in
-selecting our provender. He tied it securely on the mules, and we
-haven’t taken if off since because we are afraid we could not get it
-on again.”
-
-“How long have you been in the hills?” I asks.
-
-“Since yesterday morning.”
-
-“Suffering scissorbills!” snorts Dirty. “You left them burros packed
-all night, ’cause you— Say, you fellers ought to get jobs herding
-sheep. You sure qualify.”
-
-“Ah!” says Middleton, pleased-like. “Do you—er—think it could be
-arranged?”
-
-“To herd sheep?”
-
-“Exactly. It would put us closely in touch with the subject. We could
-make a close study of the effects of the sheep animal upon the human
-brain. My dear Pettingill, that would be wonderful! Could it be
-arranged?”
-
-“I’d rise and howl that it could,” says Dirty. “You get the job.”
-
-“This is too good to be true!” exclaims Pettingill.
-
-“The same to you and many of them,” says Dirty. “Hump yourselves,
-mules; we’re going home.”
-
- * * * * *
-
-Them professors seemed a heap interested in our rag house. They makes
-a lot of notes in their little books while Dirty lays a fire in the
-little sheet-iron stove. Then they wants to know where the sheep are.
-
-“You fellers want to be regular shepherds, don’t you?” asks Dirty.
-
-“Oh, certainly,” says Pettingill. “We’re prepared for the worst. I am
-anxious to get first-hand information on the subject. Professor
-Middleton and myself are never content to take hearsay evidence for
-any weighty subject.”
-
-Being as we ain’t never seen the sheep ourselves, we has to trust to
-luck. We leads them pelicans to the top of a tall butte, and from
-there we gets a glimpse of the herd. Several hundred are feeding on
-the other side of a little creek, which we deciphers to be Mesquite
-Creek.
-
-“Now, what—er—procedure do we adopt?” asks Pettingill.
-
-“Say that again,” says Dirty. “I missed it a foot.”
-
-“What are we supposed to do in a case of this kind?”
-
-“Oh ——!” says Dirty, and then he cranes his neck. “Look what’s going
-on down there!”
-
-We sees four punchers riding toward them sheep, sort of swinging
-around to get between them and the creek. They bunches the whole
-works, and proceeds to drift ’em over the hill. I recognizes one of
-’em as Sandy Sorensen, on the roan, so I reckon it got home all right.
-
-“Exactly,” nods Pettingill, wiping his glasses. “No doubt everything
-is all right, but just why are those men taking away our sheep?”
-
-“Gents,” says Dirty, rolling a smoke, “you have witnessed the theft of
-a few hundred sheep. With your own eyes you have seen part of your
-herd swiped by outlaws. It is a common occurrence hereabouts.”
-
-“Do you mean that we have been robbed in the broad light of day?” asks
-Pettingill, shocked-like. “You do? Well, I am amazed!”
-
-“Yes,” says Dirty. “It is such things that help to make us crazy.”
-
-Maybe I could tell more of this tale; maybe not. Professor Pettingill
-knows things that I don’t, so I’d let him tell the rest of the tale as
-he told it to his friends. Folks, meet Professor Pettingill, who is
-now going to talk.
-
- * * * * *
-
-Mr. Harper’s tale, up to the present, is partly true, or as Dirty
-Shirt says, “Near the truth as Ike ever told anything.” I objected to
-the word “pelican” as applied to Professor Middleton and myself, but
-Ike assured me that it was a term of endearment, so I will let it
-remain.
-
-Many of their quaint phrases are in my note-book, but as yet I have
-not had time to investigate their meaning. Their vocabulary of
-profanity seemed unlimited, and at times very amusing. It seems that
-they had little reverence for the finer things of life, and when we
-gently remonstrated with them, the one called Dirty Shirt said:
-
-“Oh, go to ——! What do you think this is—a ladies’ cemetery?”
-
-I as yet fail to see the reference to a burial-place.
-
-As Mr. Harper has already told you, we sat on the slope of the hill
-and watched the outlaws purloin part of the flock. I believe that my
-ancestors were fighting-stock, for my gorge arose at the sight, and I
-was filled with visions of revenge. Perhaps it was the spirit of the
-West that possessed me, but at any rate I arose and shook a folded
-fist in their direction.
-
-“Go ahead and cuss, professor,” said Dirty Shirt. “If you get stuck
-for a word, maybe me or Ike can supply it.”
-
-Now, I am going to make no attempt to quote them. At times they talk
-in academic English, and at other times a jargon. Professor Middleton
-will bear me out in saying that their language is both weird and
-wonderful, and also easy to acquire.
-
-I am sure that our friends were shocked at our conversation when we
-related our experiences, and it required constant vigilance over our
-tongues to keep from—as Ike said—“talking like a he-man.” I feel that
-Middleton was a worse offender than I in that respect.
-
-I said to Dirty Shirt—
-
-“We shall most surely follow them and recover our property, shall we
-not?”
-
-“Not,” answered Ike. I am leaving off the prefix “Mr.” as they rarely
-use it in conversation.
-
-“But,” said I, “it is a plain case of theft, is it not?”
-
-“Well,” replied Dirty Shirt, “you can call it anything from petty
-larceny to train robbery, professor, but I’d be —— if I ever was so
-fond of sheep that I’d sacrifice my skin in their interests.”
-
-“Do you mean you are going to let them keep the sheep?” asked
-Middleton.
-
-“——’s delight!” exclaimed Dirty Shirt. “You still talking sheep? Let’s
-go back to the rag shanty and scare up a feed.”
-
-So back we went. They showed no worry over the loss of the sheep, and
-I am certain they must be of value. The chops alone would be
-worth— But why quote prices? They led us back to the tent, and then
-Dirty Shirt said:
-
-“If you pelicans want to be regular shepherds you’ve got to learn how
-to cook. See what you can find in your own packs and then scare up a
-batch of biscuits.”
-
-Our pack-luggage had been stacked in front of the tent, and as I
-walked over to investigate our provender Dirty Shirt added—
-
-“Cook anything you see, ’cause my big insides are eating up the little
-ones.”
-
-He did not use the word “insides,” but its vulgar equivalent.
-
-“Scare up a biscuit?” asked Middleton. “How does one scare a biscuit?”
-
-“Build a fire in the stove,” said Dirty Shirt. “All you have to do is
-touch a match to the kindling, as the fire is all set. Then we’ll show
-you the next step.”
-
-I went inside the tent, knelt beside the stove and scratched a match.
-
-The sticks of wood over the kindling caught my eye. I removed one as I
-touched the match. One must betray ignorance to acquire knowledge, so
-I carried one out to them.
-
-“Pardon me,” said I, “but is this some new preparation to combat the
-scarcity of fuel?”
-
-Dirty Shirt glanced at the stick, then at the smoke coming out of the
-small stovepipe, and then he and Ike grasped their hats in their hands
-and dashed away. It really was ludicrous.
-
-“Come on, you —— fools!” cried Ike without stopping to explain.
-
-“What an amazing thing to do!” exclaimed Middleton. “Why in the world
-are they——”
-
-It is of course ridiculous to say that the world came to an end before
-Middleton’s question had been propounded, but that is what seemed to
-happen. The earth seemed to vomit dust, flame and smoke, and I seemed
-to feel myself being carried away. Ages later I awoke. I turned my
-head, and then said to myself—
-
-“Pettingill, you have been knocked topsy-turvy.”
-
-I really had. I seemed to be trying to stand on my head in wet clay,
-although in reality I found that I was reclining, head down, on the
-side of a bank of what might be termed an abandoned water-course.
-
-Modesty forbids that I tell what clothing is missing from my person. I
-managed to regain my natural poise, and turned sufficiently to allow
-my feet to slide down.
-
-Near me is a section of the tent containing the red-flannel patch, and
-as I take stock of my surroundings that patch seemed to loosen, and
-from out through the aperture emerges the head of Professor Middleton.
-
-“My dear fellow, are you all right?” I asked.
-
-He looked at me in a dazed sort of a way, and then spat out—along with
-a mouthful of clay:
-
-“Go to ——! What do you think this is—a ladies’ cemetery?”
-
-I could readily see that he was speaking from his subconscious mind,
-quoting from Dirty Shirt’s reply to me. He got to his feet, not
-without visible effort, and we both looked at Dirty Shirt and Ike.
-Their gaze seemed inquiring, but I was as much at sea as they.
-
-“We are still alive, as you may see,” I volunteered.
-
-“Takes a lot of dynamite to kill a shepherd,” nodded Dirty.
-
-“Dynamite?” asked Middleton. “A powerful explosive?”
-
-“Concentrated ——,” nodded Dirty.
-
-“Regular old bustem quick. Some son-of-a-goat loaded the stove on us.
-Must ’a’ been several sticks.”
-
-“Five, I believe,” I replied. “Here is the sixth.”
-
-I opened my hand and showed them a mass of what appeared to be fine
-sawdust and grease.
-
-“My ——!” cried Dirty, not profanely.
-
-“The old dictionary-digger choked that stick to a mush! Don’t drop
-it!”
-
- * * * * *
-
-His order came too late. I suddenly realized what I was doing—what I
-had in my hands—and I cast it down as a deadly thing. Dirty and Ike
-seemed to sigh with relief, and then Dirty said:
-
-“Lord, I ain’t got much religion. I don’t _sabe_ nothing about Jonah
-and the Ark, but I sure hands up thanks to whoever is to blame for
-blocking the trigger of that thing. Amen.”
-
-“Have you any special creed or religious affiliations?” asked
-Middleton.
-
-“No.” Dirty Shirt shook his head. “Not yet, but if you two are going
-to hang around this range for any length of time, I’m going to join
-something—that’s a dead cinch.”
-
-“There was a cap in that stick, Dirty,” said Ike. “Wonder it didn’t
-go.”
-
-“Uh-huh,” grunted Dirty. “There’s something that protects drunks and
-idiots, Ike.”
-
-“Yes, Dirty, you’re right. Even them danged burros was removed far
-enough away to be safe. Drunks, idiots and jassacks—all under
-protection.”
-
-He certainly was not referring to Middleton or myself, as neither of
-us ever touches liquor in any form.
-
-Later on I insisted on knowing the probable destination of the sheep.
-
-“Over in Sandy’s corral,” said Dirty Shirt. “Everything is grist that
-comes to his mill. He’ll demand payment for the range he thinks the
-sheep ate.”
-
-“Oh, is he a miller?” asked Middleton. Dirty and Ike exchanged
-glances, and Ike said—
-
-“That’s what education does for a feller, Dirty.”
-
-Education had little to do with it, as any one would know that no one
-but a miller would have need of grist, and he spoke of “his mill.”
-Dirty proved adept as a chef, and Middleton and myself enjoyed the
-first real meal since we left the dining-car. When it grew dark Ike
-kicked out the fire, leaving us in darkness. I remonstrated, but he
-said:
-
-“Build you one if you want it, old-timer, but remember this: Any
-jasper who will load your stove won’t hesitate to shoot at night.”
-
-We spread our blankets in the dark, and Ike and Dirty immediately fell
-to sleep. The novelty of looking at the stars, and the noises of the
-night kept Middleton and myself awake. I thought of the stolen sheep
-and we conversed in whispers.
-
-“The loss of so many sheep must be greater than they care to
-acknowledge,” whispered Middleton. “They are like the American Indian
-inasmuch as they are stoical under loss or punishment. It would be
-wonderful if we could recover the sheep. I am beginning to like them,
-Pettingill.”
-
-We shook hands over it, procured our shotgun and pistol, and stole
-away silently, except for the tinkle of Middleton’s spurs.
-
-We crawled out of hearing, got our bearings from the stars and started
-on our well-meant errand. We were going in single file along the side
-of a hill on a tiny path, which showed white in the dim light, when
-suddenly we were confronted by a gigantic figure.
-
-It towered above us, a black hulk, coming at a fast walk. I tried to
-avoid the impact, but slipped and fell right into the path of the
-monster.
-
-The next instant it fell over me and into Middleton. I retained my
-shotgun. I had no way of knowing the fate of poor Middleton, but I ran
-a short distance before I stopped.
-
-I saw the silhouette of it against the sky and for the first time in
-my life I fired a gun. The impact of the shot threw me into a
-cactus-patch, and I feared for a time that it had crushed my lower
-jaw. I managed to tear myself away from the clinging barbs, and stood
-erect.
-
-“Middleton!” I cried. “Professor Middleton!”
-
-“Well, what in —— do you want!”
-
-You can readily see that he was beginning to acquire the dialect of
-our associates.
-
-“I shot it!” I cried. “I shot it!”
-
-“Pettingill—” his voice was a bit sarcastic—“I will always thank the
-man who sold me these leather trousers. I didn’t get hit with more
-than—let me see— Oh, I am unable to estimate.”
-
-“Heavens! Did I hit you, Middleton?”
-
-“Yes, you did—you—er—pelican!”
-
-“What became of the monster?” I asked. “Did it say anything?”
-
-“It spoke. It knocked me down, got to its feet and said, ‘Aye am de
-ship-hoorder,’ and then it went on, Pettingill; it went on—with my
-shirt in its hands. If you ever feel that you have to shoot again—hold
-lower, old-timer.”
-
-Then we went on. Middleton complained about the effects of the
-shooting, while I suffered untold agonies from cactus spines and the
-effects of that shotgun.
-
-“We should soon be able to see the mill,” said Middleton, peering into
-the night, “but all I can see is a huddle of low buildings. One is
-larger than the rest, but none would be suitable for milling.”
-
-We walked closer and closer. Finally a canine barked several times,
-and a man came to the door of the larger house. Middleton and I
-crouched down behind an old vehicle.
-
-“Some more of those —— coyotes, I reckon,” said the man in the door.
-“They smell the sheep.”
-
-And then he shut the door.
-
-“They do not mistrust us,” said I, “which simplifies things. No doubt
-they will be enraged at the coyote in the morning.
-
-Do you know what a —— coyote is, Middleton?”
-
-“No, I do not, and perhaps it is just as well.”
-
-Just then we heard the gentle lowing of a sheep. Perhaps it was the
-call of one to its mate, and we knew we had come to the right place.
-We crossed to a fence, inside of which we found the sheep.
-
-The gate was locked, but Middleton immediately went to work to break
-it with a rock. The noise he made seemed to irritate the canine again,
-causing it to emit staccato barks.
-
-“I fear that the dog will upset our plans, Pettingill,” said Middleton
-as we heard the door open again.
-
-“Not at all,” I reassured him. “We will use strategy. A coyote is a
-young wolf, don’t you see? I will dissemble.”
-
-I have never made a study of the cries and calls of wild animals, but
-I did the best I could. Clearing my throat, I began a low-voiced
-howling, such as one hears in the Zoo at feeding-time.
-
-The dog only barked the louder, and then came voices.
-
- * * * * *
-
-“Coyote ——!” cried someone.
-
-“That’s a banshee with bronchial trouble, Sandy.”
-
-I stopped howling, the dog stopped barking, and then we heard:
-
-“I’ve a hunch, Micky. Give me them shells loaded with number sevens.
-This ain’t no buckshot party.”
-
-“Ah! Thank goodness, the barrier is removed!” exclaimed Middleton, and
-I heard the chain fall.
-
-Middleton gave the gate a shove, and it creaked open.
-
-“Sic ’em, Shep!” cried a voice.
-
-It is likely that the dog misunderstood orders, as I feel sure that
-its master meant us when he said “’em,” but the dog circled us and
-went through the fence after the sheep.
-
-“Run!” exclaimed Middleton. “They’re coming out!”
-
-Middleton was right.
-
-Just at that moment one of those sheep tried to go between my legs. It
-was a large one—too large, in fact. I grasped it with one hand,
-quickly, holding my gun in the other, and attempted to ride it away,
-but it sprang for a place where all of the fence was missing except
-for a barbarous wire stretched along the top; and I went backward into
-the dirt.
-
-I managed to roll over and get to my hands and knees just in time to
-be struck a murderous blow from the rear, which projected me under the
-wire and outside the fence. There may have been other openings in that
-fence, but I will wager that a large per cent. of those sheep came
-through there and walked over me. After the procession of sharp hoofs
-had passed me I crawled back and recovered my gun. I had no idea of
-where Middleton had gone. In fact I don’t believe I gave him a
-thought.
-
-I got to my feet and limped away, feeling rather dazed, as a man might
-feel after being hard hit, as it were. I toiled up the side of a hill,
-and suddenly I discerned Middleton. I knew him by the silhouette of
-his hat against the sky.
-
-“Thank goodness, I have found you!” I exclaimed.
-
-“Same to you,” he replied; and it was not Middleton’s voice but the
-voice of the party who suggested the banshee.
-
-I saw the glisten of his gun as he turned. I don’t know what prompted
-me to do it, but I leveled my gun and pulled the trigger.
-
-The roar deafened me and the concussion hurled me backward, but I had
-presence of mind enough to crawl away. Suddenly I fell into a
-depression, where I lay quiet.
-
-“Hey!” cried a voice. “Was that you, Micky?”
-
-“It was—worse luck to me, Sandy!”
-
-“Was it a shepherd?”
-
-“I won’t swear to nothing until I assay meself, but from the feel of
-me I’d say it was a duck-hunter. Ouch! The divil blazed away at sixty
-feet, and almost cut the boots off me legs! Bird-shot be the handful!”
-
-“Which way did he go, Micky?”
-
-“How should I know? I always hides me head in a storm of bird-shot.”
-
-“Where in thunder did you get that hard hat?”
-
-“Down be the corral. Did you ever know a shepherd to wear a baked
-bonnet before, Sandy?”
-
-They talked in low tones for a few moments, and then I heard the one
-called Sandy say:
-
-“Well, they’re well scattered, and there’s no use hunting in the dark.
-Next time we’ll pack Winchesters when them —— woollies cross the
-Mesquite.”
-
-“Sure, and I’ll wear armor next time I hunt for hard-hatted shepherds
-in the night time,” replied the other, and their voices died away into
-the night.
-
-I managed to clamber out of the hole, suffering extreme torture all
-the while. I had not the slightest idea of direction; in fact I seemed
-to be lost. At any rate I climbed the hill, went down the other side
-and then climbed another, where I sat down on a rock.
-
-It was very, very quiet up there. Finally a dog came along. I tried to
-be friendly, but it slunk away at my whistle. Then another one came;
-and another. I said to myself—
-
-“Pettingill, there must be kennels near here.”
-
-From a distant butte, against the pale light of the moon, I saw
-several more, and then came a wailing howl. From near me came a
-blood-curdling answer. I said to myself—
-
-“Pettingill, those ‘dogs’ are wolves!” The realization was painful. I
-really believe I grew homesick. In all that waste I could not see a
-tree. I peered around. Ah! On a not too distant ridge stood a tree.
-
-I stood erect, grasped my gun, and hurried up the slope, spurred
-onward by the howls of at least a million savage throats. Perhaps it
-was undignified, but I ran; actually ran. Luckily the branches grew
-low, and I was able, suffering as I was, to climb into the sanctuary
-of those thick branches. I breathed a sigh of relief, and exclaimed
-aloud—
-
-“Thank Heaven for this tree!”
-
-And from above me came—
-
-“Pettingill, it is fortunate that you spoke, as I was about to pistol
-you.”
-
-“Middleton!” I gasped. “You here in this tree?”
-
-“Yes. I could find no other. I—I thought perhaps you—that perhaps that
-sheep had came back; don’t you see?”
-
-“Sheep? Sheep do not climb trees, Middleton.”
-
-“Well, I am glad to know there is some one thing that it could not do.
-I would readily believe it could climb, Pettingill.”
-
-“How did you happen to pick this tree?” I asked.
-
-“I claim no credit whatever, Pettingill. As the sheep came out of the
-gate, one of them struck me very, very abruptly. I landed outside the
-fence, where I tried to conceal myself, but it searched until it found
-me, and each time I tried to get up it knocked me down. From there to
-this tree was just a succession of hard knocks.”
-
-“That is really too bad,” I replied. “I am physically imperfect
-myself, Middleton. I think there is nothing more that could hurt me.
-Have you a comfortable seat up there, Middleton?”
-
-“Wouldn’t use it if I had!” he actually grunted at me. “Right at
-present I am hanging over a bough like a carpet on a line. Pettingill,
-I may never, never sit down again.”
-
- * * * * *
-
-We cheered each other as much as possible through the long night, and
-were truly grateful when morning came. Looking at Middleton gave me a
-faint idea of my own appearance. He had neither shirt nor hat, and the
-upper part of his body was streaked with blood and dirt. His limbs
-were so stiff he could hardly walk, and mine were little better.
-
-I still retained my hat, although the crown would open and shut in the
-breeze. We wished for the coats we had left at our camp. Then we
-walked in what might be the right direction, and suddenly came to a
-road. Not a well traveled thoroughfare, it is true, but at least a
-roadway. Along this we limped for a while, when we heard the creaking
-of a wagon behind us.
-
-“Just suppose there should be some ladies aboard,” suggested
-Middleton, and we hastily crouched down beside some bushes.
-
-When the equipage was almost up to us we saw that the team was being
-driven by a man, and that there were no ladies. We would ask for a
-ride. We stepped into the road and threw up our hands, signaling him
-to stop. The driver was smoking his pipe, but as the team halted he
-opened his mouth, letting the pipe fall to the ground.
-
-Then he sprang to the ground, grasped his hat in his hand, and ran
-back down the road as fast as possible. His limbs were very badly
-bowed.
-
-“What a ridiculous thing to do!” exclaimed Middleton. “Abandon his
-equipage in this manner before we have an opportunity to question him.
-What will we do, Pettingill?”
-
-“We will drive on. No doubt the team will take us some place. It is
-reasonable to suppose that a road leads to something. I hope we will
-eventually arrive at some place where a physician resides.”
-
-We climbed in, and Middleton took charge of the lines. It was much
-better than walking, although neither of us could occupy the seat. All
-went well until we came to a steep hill, where the horses seemed
-unable to check the speed of the wagon. I spoke sharply to Middleton
-about our speed, and he rudely replied:
-
-“Oh, go to ——! If you’re going to be a shepherd, be a regular one—dang
-it!” I fear that Middleton would soon acquire a profane vocabulary.
-Somehow we seemed to lose the road. I spoke to Middleton about it,
-thinking he did not know, and he shouted in my ear—
-
-“Go get it if you want it—you danged pelican!”
-
-I pondered over his apparent rudeness, and the next instant the team
-seemed to be taking us straight over a sharp pitch, the wagon swaying
-sharply as it crashed over rocks and brush. I caught a glimpse of the
-bottom of another abandoned water-course, and then, with a lurching
-crash, I was hurled into oblivion.
-
- * * * * *
-
-I dreamed of lying under a plashing fountain, and as I opened my eyes
-I looked up at Dirty Shirt, who was pouring water into my face from
-his large hat. I heard Ike’s voice say:
-
-“This old pelican ain’t dead, Dirty. He just spat out another tooth.”
-
-“Say, professor, when did you take a job driving a sheep-wagon?” asked
-Dirty Shirt.
-
-“Middleton was driving,” I whispered. My voice was strangely weak.
-
-“Well—” Dirty Shirt scratched his head and peered across the
-hills—“well, as a driver he’s got more intestines than judgment. He
-sure is the short-cut kid.”
-
-After a while Middleton sat up and essayed a grin. Several of his
-front teeth were missing, which gave him a leering look. The wagon had
-smashed to kindling-wood, but they told us that the team escaped
-serious injury. Dirty Shirt and Ike told us to take it easy while they
-rounded up the team, which we tried to do.
-
-My gun was in the wreckage, but beyond a deep dent in the barrel it
-was in very good shape. There were still four cartridges in it, and I
-managed to manipulate one into the firing-chamber. It is well to be
-prepared.
-
-Middleton had acquired a pronounced lisp, caused, no doubt, by the
-missing teeth. Suddenly we saw a man on horseback coming down toward
-us. Ordinarily I would have paid little heed to him, but we were
-becoming chary of strangers. I stood up and threw my gun to my
-shoulder.
-
-“What in —— is the idea?” he asked, halting. “Put down that gun!”
-
-“Thoot him!” lisped Middleton. “Thoot him if he cometh too cloth.”
-
-“Have a little sense and put down that gun,” said the man.
-
-“Don’t let him ditharm your thuth-pithions,” warned Middleton.
-
-“Go back!” he ordered. “You are in danger.”
-
-“——’s delight!” he exclaimed. “There must ’a’ been a break in the
-loco-lodge.”
-
-And we watched him ride back to the top of the hill.
-
-“Nithe generalthip,” applauded Middleton. “Look—thomebody elthe.”
-
-Another rider had joined him, and they both came riding down to us.
-
-“I shall be compelled to fire upon you if you come too close,” I
-warned them.
-
-“Thoot —— out of them if they monkey with uth,” said Middleton.
-
-The new one was very tall and grim-looking, with long mustaches and a
-very large hat. He appeared to uncoil a long rope, and then showed his
-teeth in a snarling grin.
-
-“Going to shoot that thing, _hombre_?” he asked, and I nodded
-emphatically.
-
-“You know best,” he answered. “Get all set, ’cause I’m coming to get
-you!”
-
-He spurred his horse forward and sidewise, and just then I fired. I
-felt that I had wasted the shot, for I pointed where he had been. A
-terrific force seemed to crash into me, my lungs filled with smoke,
-and somewhere in my consciousness I seemed to hear a deafening
-explosion. Then I seemed to feel myself bouncing and sliding over the
-ground, only to stop with a grinding shock.
-
-A still, small voice within me seemed to say:
-
-“Pettingill, your sands of time are running low. A human being can
-stand only so much, and you’ve had your share.”
-
-And then I came back to life. I heard voices, far, far away, and some
-one laughed. The laugh grated upon my nerves; it was as if some one
-had laughed aloud at a funeral.
-
-“The barrel was dented two-thirds through and bent bad,” stated a
-voice. “Wonder it didn’t blow his fool head off instead of kicking ——
-out of him.”
-
-Then I sat up and looked around. I was propped against a rock. Around
-my chest and over my arms is a tightly pulled rope, and the other end
-of the rope is fastened to the front end of a saddle on a horse. Two
-men are standing near me, examining the remains of my shotgun.
-
-Middleton is sitting near me, his hands and feet roped, and as I
-looked at him he vulgarly spat out through where a tooth had been, and
-winked at me. The two turned, and I saw upon the bosom of the taller
-one the badge of a police officer.
-
-“I didn’t think that Olaf had brains enough to go crazy,” said the
-other.
-
-“Got to have some brains to start on, I reckon.”
-
-“Never can tell,” nodded the tall one. “They caught him trying to put
-dynamite in the stove. He said he was going to blow up the law. Funny
-thing about it; somebody had filled his pants with bird-shot.”
-
-Just then we were interrupted by the coming of Ike and Dirty Shirt,
-leading the runaway horses. They stared at the strangers.
-
-“Holy henhawks!” exclaimed Dirty. “They’ve roped our shepherds!”
-
-“Uh-huh,” nodded the tall one. “You might say a few words, Dirty.”
-
-“Hello, Adams,” nodded Dirty to the other one. “Meet Professors
-Pettingill and Middleton. Gents, this person is Alcohol Adams. The
-tall one is Magpie Simpkins, the sheriff of Yaller Rock County. He’s
-just as bad as he looks. Magpie, what you got ropes on them pelicans
-for? They ain’t done nothing.”
-
-“Well, talk a little, can’t you?” asked the Magpie person.
-
-“Well—” Dirty Shirt rolled a smoke—“we tried our dangedest to fulfil
-our deputation, Magpie. These scientific pelicans pilgrim along, and
-we take ’em in. _Sabe?_ They wants to know from personal experience
-whether it’s sheep or just general wear and tear that puts a shepherd
-into that mental condition known as crazy.
-
-“They’ve had a hard time, gents. They sure have herded in the
-interests of science. We’ve all had a hard time, Magpie, and I’m off
-sheep forever. If Scenery Sims and Alphabetical Allen wants them sheep
-rounded up, they’ll have to do it themselves. _Sabe?_ Law or no law,
-we’re all done.”
-
-“So?”
-
-The sheriff scratched his long nose, and began a silent laugh that
-shook his gaunt frame.
-
-“Haw! Haw! Haw! You poor, locoed snake-hunters! Listen: I didn’t no
-more than get started for Piperock when I meets Scenery and Alphy.
-They’ve done patched up their differences. We went over to notify you,
-but you never showed up. I’ve been looking for you.”
-
-“Haw!” replied Dirty Shirt vacantly.
-
-“You—uh— Say, who in —— owns the sheep we’ve been dry-nursing,
-Magpie?”
-
-“I do,” said Mr. Adams. “I had a Swede out here, but he went loco, I
-reckon, and tried to dynamite Scenery’s camp, and——”
-
- * * * * *
-
-Ike stepped over and took the ropes off Middleton and myself.
-
-“I met the driver of my grub-wagon,” said Mr. Adams. “He had been
-drinking too much lately, I reckon. Said he was held up by twin
-devils, and that from now on he’s through with booze or sheep.”
-
-We went down the hill, where Middleton and I recovered our coats.
-Dirty Shirt and Ike caught our mules and put on the packs. Then they
-gave us each a rope to lead with.
-
-“The road over there will take you to Silver Bend,” explained Ike.
-
-We thanked him heartily, and then shook hands with them all.
-
-“I hope you gents got the information you desired,” said Magpie.
-
-“Nothing like personal experience.”
-
-“Yeth, we got it,” lisped Middleton. “We tholved it.”
-
-“I hope you didn’t jump at it suddenlike,” grinned Magpie.
-
-“No, thir. Not thudden.”
-
-“I reckon it’s a mistake to say that all shepherds are crazy,”
-observed Magpie. “Cow-men use that expression more because they hate
-sheep than because the shepherd is loco. They figure that any man is
-crazy who would herd sheep. _Sabe?_
-
-“What is your scientific opinion, gents? Do you think they’re crazy?”
-
-I looked at Middleton inquiringly, and he nodded.
-
-“I will thupport you, Pettingill.”
-
-“Well,” said I, “after personal observation, I will say this much: If
-he isn’t crazy to begin with, and doesn’t go crazy—he is a superman.”
-
-“Reckon the sheep are to blame?” asked Adams.
-
-“Of courth,” lisped Middleton, caressing his back, “the theep are
-primarily rethponthible, but I’d thay that the greater evil cometh
-from general wear and tear.”
-
-“Which goes to show that personal experience is better than hearsay,”
-agreed Magpie.
-
-“Ordinarily,” I agreed, “but from now on I will be more than willing
-to take unsupported word for things I know nothing about. How about
-you, Professor Middleton?”
-
-Middleton picked up his rope and spat through his vacant teeth.
-
-“Oh, ——! Leth go, Pettingill. You thaid a mouthful.”
-
-
-[Transcriber’s Note: This story appeared in the March 3, 1920 issue of
-Adventure magazine.]
-
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