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diff --git a/old/66976-h/66976-h.htm b/old/66976-h/66976-h.htm deleted file mode 100644 index 5c458e7..0000000 --- a/old/66976-h/66976-h.htm +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1472 +0,0 @@ -<!DOCTYPE html> -<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> -<head> - <meta charset="UTF-8" /> - <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Upside Down or Backwards, by W. C. Tuttle</title> - <link rel="icon" href="images/cover.jpg" type="image/x-cover" /> - <style> - body { margin-left:8%; margin-right:8%; } - p { text-indent:1.15em; margin-top:0.1em; margin-bottom:0.1em; text-align:justify; } - .w001 { margin-left:15%; width:70% } - .x-ebookmaker .w001 { margin-left:5%; width:90% } - .mt01 { margin-top:1em; } - .mb01 { margin-bottom:1em; } - h1 { text-align:center; font-weight:normal; font-size:1.2em; margin-top:1em; } - .tn { font-size:0.9em; border:1px solid silver; margin-top:1.8em; margin-left:8%; width:80%; padding:0.4em 2%; } - </style> -</head> -<body> -<p style='text-align:center; font-size:1.2em; font-weight:bold'>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Upside Down or Backwards, by W. C. Tuttle</p> -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online -at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you -are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the -country where you are located before using this eBook. -</div> - -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: Upside Down or Backwards</p> - <p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: W. C. Tuttle</p> -<p style='display:block; text-indent:0; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: December 20, 2021 [eBook #66976]</p> -<p style='display:block; text-indent:0; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</p> - <p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em; text-align:left'>Produced by: Roger Frank and Sue Clark</p> -<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK UPSIDE DOWN OR BACKWARDS ***</div> -<div id='001' class='mt01 mb01 w001'> - <img src='images/illus-fpc.jpg' alt='' style='width:100%' /> -</div> -<div style='text-align:center; text-indent:0; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto; '> -<h1 style='margin-bottom:0.7em;'>Upside Down or Backwards </h1> -<div style='margin-bottom:0.5em;'>by W. C. Tuttle </div> -<div style='font-size:0.9em;margin-bottom:2em;font-style:italic;'>Author of “Mary’s Little Lamb,” “With the Joker Wild,” etc. </div> -</div> -<p>“Well, she ain’t changed an awful lot since I left,” remarks Magpie -Simpkins, as he cuddles his long legs up under his chin and tilts his -chair against the side of the cabin.</p> - -<p>“You can’t expect no big changes in uh wilderness like this in thirty -days,” says I, and he nods emphatic like and spits at uh lizard.</p> - -<p>“The East looks good, Ike,” he proclaims.</p> - -<p>“Did the East look good to you or did you look good to the East?” I -asks. “Seems to me that you gets uh heap civilized in thirty days. -What’s the idea uh that hard hat?”</p> - -<p>“Last word in head-gear, Ike,” he states, picking the yaller, -pot-shaped thing off the ground, and patting it affectionate like. -“They calls ’em Darby hats. Did yuh notice that green and red shirt in -my valise? I annexes that in Chicago, Ill., U. S. A., and she sure is -uh humdinger. Got uh necktie pin in that valise, too, that only -assessed me ten dollars and eighty-five cents, and nobody what never -seen uh real diamond could tell the difference.”</p> - -<p>“Being as ignorance is bliss around here yuh may make uh hit, Magpie,” -I replies. “The fact that yuh hangs your person full uh Christmas tree -ornaments don’t lessen my hankering to hear yuh tell about how much -capital yuh got interested in the Silver Threads.”</p> - -<p>Magpie Simpkins is Ike Harper’s pardner, and I’m Ike Harper. We owns -the Silver Threads mine, four burros, uh little grub and uh desire to -find somebody with money to promote us.</p> - -<p>Magpie’s physique is impressing, unless yuh views him edgeways, when -yuh can’t get more’n uh glimpse. He’s six feet several inches tall, -wears uh kind look and uh long mustache, and has the ability to let me -into more trouble than man is heir to.</p> - -<p>When we gets nine hundred dollars’ worth uh gold out of our placer -mine on Plenty Stone Crick, Magpie gets the promoting itch. He orates -that in the East is uh tribe uh philanthropists who spend their time -hunting for uh shaft to sink their money in.</p> - -<p>Also he opines that as uh hunter and finder uh this certain person he -can’t be beat or even tied. I protests audibly and often that we ought -to let gold enough alone, but when Magpie gets an idea like that it’s -all off until he’s proved that my objections were well founded.</p> - -<p>Therefore and immediate he packs his valise—or rather one he borrows -from Buck Masterson, the saloon-keeper at Piperock, and pilgrims East.</p> - -<p>I holds down uh chair on the shady side of our cabin for thirty days, -and tries to figure out how long it will take ’em to get Magpie’s nine -hundred away from him. He indicates in his departing words that his -stay is indefinite and his destination problematical, but he comes -back on the thirtieth day.</p> - -<p>He pilgrims up from Piperock, with the taste uh ashes in his mouth, uh -yaller, hard hat on his head and kid gloves on his hands. I hands him -uh welcome and uh cigaret, and he humps up in my chair.</p> - -<p>“She’s uh hard drag, Ike,” he states. “The tribe I mentioned is either -getting scarce or somebody has declared uh closed season on ’em. I -invades Pittsburg and Chicago and other places too numerous to -mention, but all I could find was folks who were kind enough to listen -while they took uh drink on me. When the drink was gone they all lost -their hearing, Ike.”</p> - -<p>“Did yuh expect to find capitalists in grog shops?” I asked, chiding -like. “Moneyed men don’t get drunk—they gets intoxicated. Didn’t yuh -do uh thing to be thankful for, Magpie?”</p> - -<p>He shakes his head, sad-like, and fumbles in his pocket. After -searching through all his clothes he comes back to the first pocket he -looks in, where it was all the time and he knowed it, and pulls out uh -letter.</p> - -<p>“Ike, this is uh mystery,” he proclaims. “Honest to grandma, I don’t -know what it means, but this letter says it was paid for and is on its -way here. I didn’t think I got so drunk that I bought anything except -more drinks, but—well, take uh look at this.”</p> - -<p>He hands me the letter. At the top it proclaims to be from the Fur and -Feathers Pet Shop, of Chicago. They orates that they handles each and -everything what wears fur and feathers, and will supply same with -cheer and great speed. The letter reads like this:</p> - -<blockquote> -<p style='text-indent:0'>Dear Sir:—</p> - -<p>As per your request and purchase we are shipping you today one -cassowary. This is a male, and, in case you desires uh female, we can -secure you one inside of thirty days. Thanking you for past and future -favors, we begs to remain—and so forth.</p> - -</blockquote> -<p>I hands the letter back to Magpie, and rolls uh smoke.</p> - -<p>“The letter was waiting for me when I got here,” he explains.</p> - -<p>“You don’t need to apologize, Magpie. How much did yuh pay for this -male bird, beast or reptile?”</p> - -<p>“That’s what I don’t know, Ike. I’m sorry.”</p> - -<p>“You always are, Magpie,” says I. “You can be sorry more times, hand -running, than any man I ever seen. You were born to sorrow. Some folks -are born to sorrow, but some are like me—they has sorrow forced upon -’em. What’ll we do with the danged thing?”</p> - -<p>“How do I know?” he snaps at me. “Cassowary! What in —— is uh -cassowary, Ike?”</p> - -<p>“I ought to know!” I snaps right back at him. “You must uh been pretty -blamed drunk, Magpie Simpkins.”</p> - -<p>He nods, solemn-like, and spits at uh lizard again.</p> - -<p>“Maybe. That Eastern hooch is awful stuff, Ike. I don’t remember no -pet store. I must uh bought it the night I left Chicago for St. Louis. -I wakes up in the morning and went to uh ticket office.”</p> - -<p>“Give me uh ticket to St. Louis,” says I to the clerk.</p> - -<p>“He looks queer like at me, and calls in uh policeman, and Ike, I had -uh —— of uh time convincing that officer that I wasn’t crazy. He -explained to me that I’m already in St. Louis.”</p> - -<p>“Them policemen must be uh nearsighted bunch,” says I. “You’d have uh -nice time trying to prove that to an officer west uh Dakota.”</p> - -<p>“Don’t chide me, Ike,” says he. “I was uh stranger in uh strange land, -and they took me in. Anyway I got uh green and red shirt, uh civilized -hat and uh necktie pin to show for my trip.”</p> - -<p>“Don’t forget Cassie,” says I. “Didn’t you talk mines uh-tall?”</p> - -<p>“Uh-huh. There was uh fat bartender in Chicago who sympathized with me -uh heap. Said he wished I’d uh showed up sooner with my proposition, -cause he’d sunk all his money in uh new diving apparatus. He sure was -uh good old scout, Ike. Doggone, that feller could fix up uh drink uh -hooch until she tastes almost temperance, but she sure was uh sheep in -wolf’s clothes. I rode all the way from Chicago to St. Louis on three -of ’em and didn’t know it.”</p> - -<p>“The big question before the house is this, Magpie: is this here -purchase uh yours uh singer, uh beast, uh burden or uh nuisance?”</p> - -<p>“Must be uh useful utensil, Ike, or I’d never bought it. I may get -red-eyed from wobble water but I never loses my sense uh useful and -ornamental things. I’m what you’d call uh discerning person—drunk or -sober.”</p> - -<p>All uh which shows that there ain’t no use arguing with Magpie -Simpkins. He can do no wrong. Uh course he might do things that he’d -be sorry for, but he never figures that he’s wrong—just uh little -mistaken for the time being.</p> - -<p>“Come back broke?” I asks.</p> - -<p>“Uh-huh. My gosh, Ike, I must uh spent money like uh timber Willie. If -I knowed what that animile cost me I could figure how much the trip -cost me.”</p> - -<p>“You don’t have to let X equal the missing quantity, Magpie,” says I. -“You had nine hundred when yuh left, and you’re broke now; therefore -the trip cost me four hundred and fifty. Sabe?”</p> - -<p>Magpie don’t sleep well that night. First he has an argument with that -Chicago bartender. Uh course, me being an innocent bystander or -bylayer, I gets hit in the nose. I cautions him to fight the other -way. He apologizes uh heap, but inside uh five minutes he starts -another fight with some colored person over the way his bed is made -and I gets pitched out of the bunk and hits my head on the stove.</p> - -<p>I’ve been mistook for an Injun, and one time “Red River” Radkey -absorbs too much of the fermented foam, and mistakes me for uh pink -pollywog, but that’s the first time that anybody ever mistook me for -uh colored porter, and it makes me mad.</p> - -<p>I climbs right back on that bunk, gets Magpie by the feet, and drags -him around the yard in the moonlight. He’s plumb awake and docile -enough to apologize again when I finishes the third lap around the -woodpile, so he climbs back on the bunk and I takes uh blanket and -sleeps on the floor.</p> - -<div style='height:1em;'></div> -<p>The next morning we saddles our burros and starts for town. We’re out -uh spuds, and we needs some drill steel. Magpie leads the procession, -setting on the rump of uh fuzzy-looking jackass. He’s wearing that -hard hat, green and red shirt—he sheds his vest—and on his hands he -wears them gray gloves. He sure is uh thing to see. Even the burros -acts bashful around him.</p> - -<p>“I reckon I’ll make the inhabitants uh Piperock set up and take -notice,” he states, admiring himself.</p> - -<p>He sets the pot-shaped hat on the peak of his head, and brushes off -that loco shirt with his gloves.</p> - -<p>“Yes,” says I. “All I hope is that they don’t set up with uh gun in -their hands. You sure look like uh cross between uh lodge-pole -Christmas tree and uh zebra.”</p> - -<p>We pilgrims down to the main road, and ambles through the dust in the -direction of Piperock. We comes to uh turn in the road, where we sees -uh man setting alongside on uh rock. He’s all humped up, with his head -between his hands, and don’t look up until I hails him. Then we -recognizes him as being Chuck Warner, puncher for the Cross-J. I never -did know just how to take that feller. He never growed none to speak -of from his waist on down, and I figures that he’s the -honestest-looking liar I ever met. He sets there on that rock, -sad-like, but when he sizes up our outfit his eyes gets bigger and he -sort uh gasps:</p> - -<p>“My ——! It must be true!”</p> - -<p>“Too true,” I replies, glancing at Magpie. “Too true.”</p> - -<p>He gets off the rock and wobbles over to us. His eyes are blood-shot, -like he’d been dallying unduly with the cheerful fluid, and he squints -at Magpie.</p> - -<p>“It’s Magpie Simpkins in disguise, Chuck,” says I.</p> - -<p>“Huh,” says he, sort uh relieved like. “Maybe I ain’t so bad as I -thought. You fellers got time to help out uh pilgrim in doubt?”</p> - -<p>“Your obedient servants,” says I. “Lead us to the doubt.”</p> - -<p>He turns and ambles off across the country, and me and Magpie is right -behind him. About two hundred yards from the road he stops and points -across an open spot.</p> - -<p>“That’s my bronc,” he states. “Yessir, that’s my little hawse, but, -but—say, what in —— is on that rope uh mine, eh?”</p> - -<p>“Fluttering fool-hens!” explodes Magpie, fanning himself with his -civilized hat.</p> - -<p>I looks and swallers uh chaw uh natural leaf.</p> - -<p>“Do—do you see it, too?” asks Chuck.</p> - -<p>“Just exactly,” states Magpie. “What is it?”</p> - -<p>“If it ain’t the granddaddy uh all blue grouse I’ll eat my hat,” -orates Chuck. “Yuh see I been down to Piperock for three days, trying -to bust Buck’s wheel, and drink all the hooch in town. I comes along -the road this morning, singing merrily, when I happens to see that -busted crate in the road. I pulls up to see what it is, and my bronc -danged near dumps me off. He’s scared at something in the brush, and -when I spurs him over to see what it is, we scares out that blasted -thing!</p> - -<p>“Not being responsible for my actions I takes down my rope and -proceeds to annex the thing. Between that thing and my bronc, they -makes life miserable for me, so I gets off and leaves ’em to their -fate. The rope is wound around the bush between ’em so they can’t do -nothing but stand there and contemplate each other.”</p> - -<p>“I don’t reckon there’s any doubt about it being uh grown bird,” -states Magpie, fussing with uh cigaret.</p> - -<p>“Your perceptions are wide open, Magpie,” nods Chuck. “Wonder where it -flew from. It ain’t no grouse nor yet it don’t partake of any of the -requirements of the fool-hen. It might uh been uh hummingbird about -the time this here world was started.”</p> - -<p>“She’s sure uh hummer,” I agrees. “If I’d been born with uh neck like -that I’d uh died from delirium tremens years ago.”</p> - -<p>“I’d opine that somebody done lost that crate off uh wagon, and maybe -there’s something around to tell what and whose it is,” says Magpie.</p> - -<p>We all pilgrims back to the road, and Chuck leads us to the busted -bunch uh slats. On one side it says—</p> - -<div style='text-align:center; text-indent:0; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto; '> -<div style='margin-top:0.7em;margin-bottom:0.7em;'>DO NOT TEASE. </div> -</div> -<p>On the other side, in letters uh foot high, it says—</p> - -<div style='margin-top:1em; text-align:right; margin-right:55%;'>MAGPIE SIMPKINS</div> -<div style='text-align:right; margin-right:50%;'>PIPEROCK</div> -<div style='margin-bottom:1em; text-align:right; margin-right:45%;'>MONTANA</div> -<p>We reads it over several times, and then Magpie steps back, cocks his -yaller hat over one eye, sticks his thumbs in his belt and snorts—</p> - -<p>“That is Cassie!”</p> - -<p>“Make it Caspar,” says I. “It’s uh male cassowary, Magpie.”</p> - -<p>“Huh!” snorts Chuck. “You wise guys knowed all the time what it was, -didn’t yuh? What yuh going to do with the thing? What in —— is it -anyway?”</p> - -<p>“That thing, Chuck,” says I, “is what uh man buys in the East when -he’s drunk up seven hundred dollars’ worth uh mixed hooch. Cassowary -is uh French word what means, ‘something yuh bought when you’re too -drunk to consider the expense and necessity.’”</p> - -<p>“I always did like the French language,” states Chuck. “It sure is -expressive that-away, ’cause yuh don’t have to say much to mean uh -whole lot. My mother was French. Name was Jones. Yuh pronounces it -‘Hones,’ the J being silent like the Q in cassowary.”</p> - -<p>“Well,” says I, “we got to do something, and, being as it belongs to -you, Magpie, I reckon yuh better suggest.”</p> - -<p>But Magpie sucks away on that cigaret, and shakes his head.</p> - -<p>“I’d admire to hear all about it,” states Chuck. “There must be uh -deep and dark mystery about that bird, Magpie. If I knowed the details -about that bird’s past, maybe I could help yuh out.”</p> - -<p>Magpie is willing to receive help—as usual—so he sets down there and -tells Chuck all about it —what he can remember.</p> - -<p>“How much do yuh think yuh paid for it?” asks Chuck. “You sure ought -to remember that part of it.”</p> - -<p>“Dang me if I know,” replies Magpie. “Couple uh hundred, most likely. -What yuh got on your mind, Chuck?”</p> - -<p>“Say, what good is uh cassowary? If she was worth something to -humanity we might peddle the blasted thing. If folks had an idea it -was—cripes!”</p> - -<p>“What’s the exciting thought, Chuck?” I asks, but Chuck begins to roll -uh fresh cigaret and grin to himself. Pretty soon he busts out -laughing and slaps his quirt across his chaps.</p> - -<p>“By cripes,” he chuckles. “It won’t cost nothing to try.”</p> - -<p>“Try what?” asks Magpie.</p> - -<p>“Say, if you gets your two hundred back will yuh give me all I can -make over that?”</p> - -<p>“You answered your own question, Chuck,” declares Magpie. “You get us -two hundred for that overgrown fool-hen and you can have the rest. -What yuh going to do?”</p> - -<p>“That’s my business, Magpie. You and Ike go along about your business, -and don’t peep—no matter what happens. Sabe? Here comes the stage.”</p> - -<p>Art Miller swings his four broncs around in front of us, and looks us -over, sort uh grouchy like.</p> - -<p>“Howdy, Art,” says Magpie. “What yuh doing these days—distributing -poultry?”</p> - -<p>Art spits over his off-wheeler, and considers the busted crate.</p> - -<p>“Did yuh see what comes in that there box?” he asks, and we nods. “Did -ye ever hear it crow?”</p> - -<p>We all shakes our heads, and Art puts his hat on the brake lever and -fumbles for his tobacco.</p> - -<p>“Sounds like ——!” he snorts. “We was going along, sleepy like, when it -crows. Runaway. Lost the crate out the wagon.”</p> - -<p>“Uh-huh,” agrees Magpie. “Crate busted and canary flew.”</p> - -<p>“Canary!” Art spits out the word like he’d pulled uh slug from his old -pipe. “Magpie Simpkins, you can get the dangdest things sent to you. -What yuh going to use that thing for?”</p> - -<p>“Art,” says Chuck, chiding like, “you neglected your duty as uh -stage-driver when yuh let that piece uh valuable freight get away.”</p> - -<p>“Well, go ahead and say it,” replies Art, resigned like.</p> - -<p>“Can you forget that you ever had that bird in your care?” asks Chuck.</p> - -<p>“Audibly or mentally, Chuck?” asks Art.</p> - -<p>“Audibly.”</p> - -<p>“I hope to some day.”</p> - -<p>“Be worth uh five spot, and no questions asked, Art.”</p> - -<p>“I never seen it,” states Art. “What’s the idea?”</p> - -<p>“You fellers are as inquisitive as an old maid,” replies Chuck. “All I -asks is silence, and plenty of that. I’ll pay the bills.”</p> - -<p>“We’re as silent as the tomb, eh, Magpie?” says Art. “You ain’t got -nothing against me.”</p> - -<p>“Nothing but admiration, Art. Chuck, do what you please with that -hooch-hen, and we’ll go on to town. I don’t sabe your play, young -feller, but I’m for it all the way from the ace to the deuce.”</p> - -<p>We got our stuff at Piperock, and pilgrims right back home. The crate -and bird are gone when we returns.</p> - -<p>“I wish I knowed what Chuck aims to do?” says Magpie, as we goes past -the spot.</p> - -<p>“And bust up our chances to get back that two hundred,” says I. “If -you didn’t hunger and thirst for information so hard, Magpie, I’d be -living uh life uh ease right now. You always wants to monkey with the -wheels uh progress.”</p> - -<div style='height:1em;'></div> -<p>About five days later “Scenery” Sims and “Dirty Shirt” Jones pilgrims -up our way and stops to eat. They asks the usual questions and gets -answered.</p> - -<p>“Magpie, did yuh ever see uh railami?” asks Dirty Shirt.</p> - -<p>“Uh-uh which?”</p> - -<p>“Uh railami. Didn’t yuh ever hear of one?”</p> - -<p>“Oh, yes. I used to raise ’em.”</p> - -<p>“You did not!” squeaks Scenery “There’s only one specimen left on -earth today. Sabe?”</p> - -<p>“Meaning you, I reckon, Scenery,” says I. “You’re the only specimen I -ever seen that might fit that cognomen.”</p> - -<p>“No, not me!” snaps Scenery. “If yuh don’t know and recognize one when -yuh see it, maybe you’ll wish yuh did.”</p> - -<p>There ain’t much left to say, except unpleasant things, so they says -“Klahowya” and departs.</p> - -<p>“Railami,” says Magpie, after they’re gone. “Never heard the name -before. The way Scenery pronounces it makes it sound like uh -hare-lipped Piegan with hay fever trying to make uh noise like uh -blowsnake.”</p> - -<p>“It can’t be uh serious condition,” I replies. “It sure can’t amount -to much if Scenery and Dirty Shirt knows what it is, so I ain’t -worrying about it none, Magpie.”</p> - -<p>The next day bringeth forth “Half Mile” Smith and “Tellurium” Woods. -They rides in and partakes of bacon and beans.</p> - -<p>“What you fellers doing up this way?” asks Magpie. “Seems like me and -Ike is being honored lately. Scenery and Dirty Shirt was up to see us -yesterday.”</p> - -<p>“Crazy as bedbugs, too,” says I. “They was looking for—say, Magpie, -what was that word?”</p> - -<p>“Railami.”</p> - -<p>Half Mile and Tellurium looks foolish like at each other and then back -at us.</p> - -<p>“You know what it is?” asks Tellurium, but me and Magpie has to plead -total ignorance.</p> - -<p>“You looking for it, too, Tellurium?” I asks.</p> - -<p>He rubs the bald spot on top of his head, and grins.</p> - -<p>“Uh-huh. She’s worth looking for.”</p> - -<p>“We hate to have to ask questions,” I states.</p> - -<p>“Worth uh thousand dollars,” says Tellurium. “Uh cold thousand.”</p> - -<p>“So is sixty ounces uh gold, too, but that don’t tell nothing but the -value,” orates Magpie. “Speak up, you’re among friends.”</p> - -<p>“I wouldn’t,” states Half Mile. “No use letting everybody in on it, -Tellurium. If they don’t know about it we hadn’t ought to lessen our -chances by telling.”</p> - -<p>We thanks ’em heartily for the information, and they rides away. -Magpie gets out his dictionary and ponders deep like over it, but -shakes his head.</p> - -<p>“It ain’t in the book, Ike. Must be uh foreign substance.”</p> - -<p>The next day comes old Judge Steele and Ricky Henderson. They salutes -us, and gets off to rest their saddles.</p> - -<p>“How’s law and justice, Judge?” asks Magpie. “You fellers hunting for -uh railami?”</p> - -<p>“Huh!” snorts the judge, like he didn’t hear, and glances at Ricky.</p> - -<p>“Railami,” repeats Magpie.</p> - -<p>“Why—uh—you seen any?” asks the judge.</p> - -<p>“I’ve quit drinking, Judge,” says Magpie. “I’m sure I’d uh seen one -next, and I tapers off just in time.”</p> - -<p>“Well, well!” exclaims the judge. “Ricky, I reckon me and you had -better be going on. We’re looking for uh couple uh strays. Two red -cows. Seen anything of ’em up here, Magpie?”</p> - -<p>We disclaims all credit for seeing two red cows, and they departs.</p> - -<p>“Somebody’s uh heap crazy around here, Ike,” states Magpie. “Either -they’re crazy to look for uh thing with uh name like that, or we’re -crazy for not looking. Let’s me and you go over on Roaring Crick -tomorrow and do uh little gophering on that quartz seam. Maybe we’ll -meet uh railami on the trail, eh?”</p> - -<p>Me and Magpie gets enthusiastic over the way that quartz seam shows -up, and when we leaves there we’re out uh grub. Magpie suggests that -we pilgrims to Piperock and get uh banquet uh ham and aigs, and I’m -right with him, so we points our burros toward town.</p> - -<p>Magpie is still wearing that yaller hard hat. The burro he’s riding -turns its head once in uh while and looks back. It sizes him up, -shakes its ears, sad-like, and pilgrims on. Magpie sure is dressed up -like uh plush horse, and all he needs is uh cane to be uh cripple for -life.</p> - -<p>There seems to be uh certain degree of excitement in Piperock, when we -arrives. Chuck Warner is setting on his bronc out there in the middle -of the street, and he’s surrounded with uh crowd. Lying down in the -dusty road is that blasted bird that Magpie bought, and uh rope runs -from Chuck’s saddle to its long neck. The bird seems to be the coolest -thing in town.</p> - -<p>“What do yuh reckon to do with it, Chuck?” asks Dirty Shirt, and -everybody seems interested.</p> - -<p>“Danged if I know,” replies Chuck. “I ain’t never seen nothing like it -before. It just comes busting along down the road, and I hangs my rope -on it. Wish I knowed what she is.”</p> - -<p>“How much do yuh want for it, Mister Warner?” asks Judge Steele, -looking the critter over, and fumbling in his pocket.</p> - -<p>“You don’t want it, do yuh, Judge?” laughs Masterson. “You couldn’t -eat it.”</p> - -<p>“I don’t know what she’s worth, Judge,” states Chuck. “Ain’t she some -whopper of uh piece uh poultry? What do yuh reckon she’s worth?”</p> - -<p>“I’ll give yuh ten dollars for it,” squeaks Scenery Sims. “I’d give uh -ten just to own uh thing like that.”</p> - -<p>“The —— yuh would!” snorts Half Mile. “I’ll give fifteen.”</p> - -<p>“Fifteen—fifteen—fifteen,” chants Chuck. “Who’ll give twenty?”</p> - -<p>“I’ll make it twenty,” yells Ricky Henderson.</p> - -<p>“Poultry’s going up!” whoops Chuck, standing up in his stirrups.</p> - -<p>“Who’ll give Ricky uh raise?”</p> - -<p>“I makes it worth thirty,” states the judge.</p> - -<p>“Forty!” yelps Tellurium.</p> - -<p>“Whoa!” whoops Chuck. “Wait uh minute. What’s the idea uh getting all -heated up over uh overgrown fool-hen on stilts. First thing we knows -there’ll be sorrow in our city. I got uh good scheme. I’ll make a -hundred tickets at five dollars each, and raffle the blamed thing. You -fellers can gamble your heads off if yuh feels inclined.”</p> - -<p>That seems to suit the crowd, so Chuck puts the bird in Buck -Masterson’s stable, and him and some of the rest gets busy on making -tickets.</p> - -<p>Me and Magpie sets there on the sidewalk and wonders what them Jaspers -want of that bird. Art Miller comes over, but he don’t know any more -than we do.</p> - -<p>“How comes it that everybody covets that monstrosity, Art?” I asks, -but Art shakes his head, and digs his toes in the dirt.</p> - -<p>“Danged if I know, Ike. I never seen folks so crazy before. I felt -that there’s something in the wind for several days. Tellurium, Half -Mile, Scenery, Ricky, Dirty Shirt and Judge Steele has been in -conference several times up in the judge’s office. Here comes -Tellurium. Maybe he’ll tell us what it means.”</p> - -<div style='height:1em;'></div> -<p>Tellurium sets down with us for uh minute, and then gets up and turns -around three times, like uh losing gambler does to change his luck.</p> - -<p>“I’d admire to know what you wants that freak bird for, Tellurium?” -states Art.</p> - -<p>“You would, eh?” chuckles Tellurium, hauling some pieces uh paper out -of his pocket, and putting ’em into another. “You would, eh? Don’t you -know, Art?”</p> - -<p>“I wouldn’t ask if I did.”</p> - -<p>Tellurium fusses around in his inside pocket, and hauls out uh piece -uh writing paper.</p> - -<p>“I reckon the tickets are all sold now, so it won’t do no harm to let -yuh know,” says he, handing Art the paper. “I done invested -seventy-five on my luck, but I reckon you fellers are too late to even -buy one ticket. When I left Judge Steele and Half Mile was quarreling -over who gets the last number. Read that letter and be sorry yuh -didn’t buy no chances. We don’t know who it was written to, but we -figures that it was some uh them citified prospectors what was through -here uh short time ago. We found it on the floor in Buck’s place, and -that’s what brought us up to your place that day, Ike.”</p> - -<p>The three of us groups there on the sidewalk and reads what is left of -that epistle. The top and one corner is torn off, but that is how she -reads from that on down:</p> - -<blockquote> -<p>—little information. Some geologist friends of mine were down in that -country last Summer, and they brought me the track of a bird—dried in -alkali mud. The measurements and peculiar arrangement of the toes show -it to be the track of a Railami, a bird that is believed to have been -extinct for many years. The imprint is of recent times—not over six -months—and without a doubt, in the vicinity of the town of Piperock -lives and roams a specimen of this rare bird. It greatly resembles an -ostrich in size and characteristics, but as there are no ostriches in -that country, it would be difficult to mistake anything else for this -rare bird. I would be willing to give one thousand dollars for this -specimen alive, and will gladly welcome any information you can send -me. Very truly yours,</p> - -<div style='text-align:right;'><span style='font-variant:small-caps'>C. Ewein Church</span>, New York, N. Y.</div> -</blockquote> -<p>“My ——!” snorts Magpie. “Here we’ve had uh thousand dollars running -loose around here and didn’t know it. Ain’t that the limit?”</p> - -<p>“Just uh case of grasping an opportunity when she comes your way,” -chuckles Tellurium, looking at his tickets again. “Some of us are wide -awake around here.”</p> - -<p>“Uh-huh,” I agrees. “As far as I’m concerned I tries to get my regular -sleep.”</p> - -<p>Tellurium pilgrims back across the street, and pretty soon we opines -that we might as well go and see what’s doing, so we enters Buck’s -place. Chuck leads the bird in, and ties it to uh leg of the -pool-table. The bird squats down on the floor, and Chuck mounts uh -chair.</p> - -<p>“Gents,” says he, yelling for order. “We are gathered together here to -raffle off uh bird that nobody seems to know nothing about. I puts my -rope on it and, being it don’t show no brand, I claims it as mine. Am -I right?”</p> - -<p>“According to law, Chuck,” admits the judge.</p> - -<p>“Being all things is so we will proceed to raffle off said bird. -Gents, will the first number out of the hat win the bird or will we -draw more before the lucky number comes to view?”</p> - -<p>“Make it three draws,” squeaks Scenery. “Third number out wins.”</p> - -<p>The bunch seems satisfied, so Chuck takes up the hat with the numbers -in, and begins to shake ’em up.</p> - -<p>“Who will do the drawing?” asks the judge. “We got to have this all -according to law.”</p> - -<p>“You can’t, Judge,” states Tellurium. “You got too many chances. Let’s -get somebody what ain’t got no interest. Let Ike Harper do it.”</p> - -<p>I didn’t want to be mixed up in the thing uh-tall, but uh feller can’t -refuse uh simple request like that, so I moves into position.</p> - -<p>“Let her go, Ike,” squeaks Scenery. “If you draws my number I’ll make -you uh present of uh calf.”</p> - -<p>“Just uh minute!” yells the judge. “That sounds to me like he was -trying to bribe or coerce the drawee. Scenery, you keep your mouth -shut. I’d be willing to make Mister Harper uh present of uh calf if he -drawed my number, but I ain’t proclaiming it.”</p> - -<p>I reaches up twice and tears up the two numbers that I draws.</p> - -<p>“This one tells the tale,” says somebody, excited like, as I pulls it -out and hands it to Chuck.</p> - -<p>He unfolds it and squints hard at the number, turning it around and -around.</p> - -<p>“Number—uh—say, Ike, what number is that?”</p> - -<p>“Looks like uh sixteen to me,” says I, and Scenery whoops:</p> - -<p>“That’s mi-i-i-i-ine! I got sixte-e-e-e-e-en! Whooe-e-e-e-e!”</p> - -<p>“Wait uh minute!” howls Chuck. “Maybe I was wrong, Ike, but take uh -look at it the other way. If that ain’t uh nine——”</p> - -<p>“That’s mine!” whoops Dirty Shirt. “Dog-gone, I knowed——”</p> - -<p>“Looks like ninety-one,” says I.</p> - -<p>“My number! My number,” whoops the judge. “Ninety-one wins!”</p> - -<p>The judge comes clawing his way to the front, and the whole crowd -starts milling around me.</p> - -<p>“Ouch!” yelps Ricky, above the noise. “Let loose! Wow! That danged -pelican bit me on the leg!”</p> - -<p>“I claims that bird,” yells the judge. “Lead her out to me, Ricky.”</p> - -<p>“Like —— he will!” howls Scenery, climbing up on the bar, and shaking -his number under the judge’s nose. “Just because you misrepresents the -law, Judge, it don’t give yuh no rights to take property away from -honest men.”</p> - -<p>“Let’s live in peace and harmony,” states Buck Masterson, sliding his -double-barreled shotgun across the bar, and covering the crowd. -“Everybody shut up and listen to me! Look at the tickets in the hat -and maybe yuh can settle this argument.”</p> - -<p>“Your wisdom is to be applauded, Buck,” says Chuck. “Sheath that -cemetery promoter, and we’ll rest easier and think clearer. Ricky, -give me that hat with the tickets in.”</p> - -<p>“Where’s your danged hat?” asks Ricky, down on his hands and knees -under the table. “If it was down here—let loose, you cross between uh -Shanghai rooster and uh giraffe! Huh!”</p> - -<p>Ricky’s hand comes up over the table-top, and produces one square of -white paper.</p> - -<p>“Your hat’s still here, Chuck, but that danged bird has ate up all the -tickets except that number thirteen. I took that away from him -and—ouch! Yuh will, will yuh!”</p> - -<p>“<i>Biff! Coo-oo-orlook.</i>”</p> - -<p>Ricky must uh kicked that bird for getting familiar, ’cause it comes -right up into our midst with dangerous intent written on its -countenance.</p> - -<div style='height:1em;'></div> -<p>I love birds. Maw used to have uh canary, and I cried when it passed -out. I got uh lot uh feathered friends, and I never met uh bird before -that even attempted to kick me. I don’t think that thing was uh bird -in the first place. I’d call it uh cross between uh mean disposition -and uh piledriver, ’cause it kicked Ike Harper, Esq., right where he -wears his pancakes. Ike Harper immediate and soon skids across the -floor and plays uh billiard off Judge Steele and Buck Masterson, and -finishes up by holing out under uh chair.</p> - -<p>I peeks out from my ambush and observes that alleged bird leave that -low grog shop with Scenery hanging on to its neck and Dirty Shirt hold -of its tail. Somebody must uh cut that rope. The rest of the audience, -except me and Buck and the judge, follers in the rear.</p> - -<p>I must uh hit Buck and the judge pretty hard. Buck has got uh cut over -his eye where he bumped against the bar on his way down, and the judge -fell between the bar and the rail, with his feet under the rail.</p> - -<p>I hauls the judge around so his back is against the bar, with the rail -across his lap, and folds his hands. Then I helps Buck into uh chair, -where he sets and makes funny little noises.</p> - -<p>“Railami,” states the judge, without opening his eyes.</p> - -<p>“<i>Z-z-z-zunkuff</i>,” says I.</p> - -<p>“<i>Uf-uf-uf-fuf</i>,” says Buck.</p> - -<p>It sure was an intelligible conversation. It was just about sensible -enough for uh gathering like that and we all enjoyed it. Sudden like -the noise starts percolating down the street again, and I starts for -the door. I said I “started,” and that’s as far as I got. Pete -Gonyer’s pet coyote pup must uh wanted uh railami, too, and it wasn’t -below its dignity to come right into uh saloon to get it either.</p> - -<p>In they comes, crowding each other for first place, and starts making -a three-ring circus out uh Buck’s place. I’d tell uh man that there -was something going on in there. That stilt-legged, overgrown fool-hen -sure can cut circles, and that pup ain’t no slouch either. All -outdoors seems to beckon that bird, but he don’t sabe mirrors. He cuts -his last lap about two feet in the lead of that pup, hops high, wide -and handsome to the top of the bar and meets itself in Buck’s -bar-mirror.</p> - -<p>Bounce? Say, that bird simply turns over in the air and comes back -like uh rubber ball. The coyote is yelping its fool head off, trying -to climb the bar, when that mass uh feathers and legs hits him dead -center on the rebound.</p> - -<p>Scenery Sims is just staggering in the door when that pup opines he -can hear his maw calling him, and he tangles with poor little Scenery -on his way out. Scenery loses his feet, so, as long as he ain’t got no -visible means of support, he sets down on the back of his neck, and -that demented thing that Magpie bought meets its original owner right -in the doorway and they goes into the street together.</p> - -<p>“Six-te-e-e-e-en!” shrieks Scenery, clawing at his head, where it had -banged against uh chair-leg.</p> - -<p>“Ninety-one,” croaks the judge, clawing at the bar-rail across his -lap.</p> - -<p>“Pass,” declared Buck, vacant like, and just then “Doughgod” Smith -weaves in.</p> - -<p>He looks us over, foolish like, squints hard at the judge, under the -rail, and then shakes his head and starts for the door.</p> - -<p>“What’s the matter, Dud-Dud-Doughgod?” stutters Buck.</p> - -<p>“De-de-de-delirium tut-tut-tut-tremens,” stutters Doughgod, right back -at him.</p> - -<p>He flops his arms, and sighs deep.</p> - -<p>“No use,” he states. “Must be uh lot uh lye in hooch that’ll make uh -feller see things like that. It was standing down the road with its -head under uh hard hat—uh yaller one!” He shrieked the last sentence, -and lopes out to his bronc, and away he goes.</p> - -<p>“Head under uh hat!” whoops Scenery.</p> - -<p>“My ——! Hid out like uh ostrich!” And then he lopes out of the door.</p> - -<p>“I got uh claim to settle, too,” announces the judge.</p> - -<p>He slides out from under that rail, hitches up his belt and gallops -after Scenery.</p> - -<p>Magpie ambles in the door, snorts the dust out of his nose, and Chuck -Warner is right behind him. Chuck looks like he’d been through a -revolution. He weaves over to the pool-table, gets down on his knees -and searches the floor. He shakes his head, solemn-like, and searches -his pockets once more.</p> - -<p>Pretty soon he gets back on his feet and wobbles up to the bar.</p> - -<p>“Buck, you got any caster ile?” he asks. “I had all that raffle money -in my pocket, and I reckon that danged cross between uh greyhound and -uh duck must uh ate it up with them tickets. I can’t find nothing but -uh five-dollar bill in my pocket.”</p> - -<p>“Let’s see the bill, Chuck,” says Buck, and Chuck hands it to him.</p> - -<p>“Thanks,” says Buck. “It ain’t much but it will help to pay for that -glass.”</p> - -<p>“Dog-gone yuh, Buck!” wails Chuck, leaning against the bar, “that bird -ain’t mine. It lays between Scenery Sims and Judge Steele.”</p> - -<p>“The —— it does!” squeaks Scenery from the doorway. “That bird is too -active to lay.”</p> - -<p>He walks over to Magpie, and slams that yaller hat down over his head -until his ears stand out like sails.</p> - -<p>“Take your danged pot hat, Magpie!” he snaps. “Nobody ought to wear uh -hat like that. Will some strong unwounded man go out and bring in the -judge? He took that thousand-dollar bird, beast or reptile by the leg -while I takes the hat off its head. I’d uh carried him in but I ain’t -able to do much. I suppose I got to own that bird.”</p> - -<p>“Don’t worry too much about it, Scenery,” advises Buck. “If the judge -opines that his number wins you got to fight it out among yourselves. -If the judge don’t survive I reckon he’s got an heir some place to -take it up.”</p> - -<p>“Air ——!” squeaks Scenery. “He was trying to get some when I left. -That thing can give uh mule high, low and the game and win.”</p> - -<p>Just then in comes the judge, with Tellurium, Half Mile and Dirty -Shirt helping to support him. They sets him in uh chair and he droops -like uh wilted lily.</p> - -<p>“How do yuh feel, Judge?” I asks.</p> - -<p>“Paralyzed from the belt-line both ways, Ike,” says he, painful like. -“I don’t reckon the shadder uh death is afar off. I sure have had -particular —— kicked out uh me this day and date.”</p> - -<p>“How about your claim to that bird now, Judge?” squeaks Scenery. “I’ll -fight it——”</p> - -<p>“Go to it,” wheezes the judge. “I’ll pay half your funeral expenses. I -hereby waives all claim to said monstrosity, and grieves to think I -ever coveted such uh piece uh property.”</p> - -<p>“I’ll take it!” whoops Scenery. “I’ll——”</p> - -<p>“With certain formalities, Scenery,” states Tellurium, wise like, -producing uh piece uh paper and unfolding same. “This here -proclamation was picked up this day in the street of Piperock, and -unless I’ve forgot all the botany I ever learned in school we been -bidding on the wrong bird. You might pe-ruse it, Scenery.”</p> - -<p>He looks at me and Magpie, and hands the letter to Scenery. I leans -close enough to see that it’s the letter that Magpie got announcing -the shipment from the Fur and Feathers Pet Shop. Scenery spells it -out, with uh squeak after each word.</p> - -<p>“Cassowary,” he snorts at Tellurium, and then he turns appealing like -to Magpie: “You ain’t going to send for another one are you? Honest, -yuh ain’t, are yuh, Magpie?”</p> - -<p>“<i>Ker-boom! Ker-bang!</i>”</p> - -<div style='height:1em;'></div> -<p>The house shakes with the concussion and Buck drops uh glass he’s been -polishing for ten minutes. He looks under the bar, and gasps—</p> - -<p>“My riot-gun!”</p> - -<p>We sets there and looks at each other for uh minute, and then the -judge runs his fingers painful like through his hair, and orates in uh -peevish, wailing tone—</p> - -<p>“Well, dang it all, send for uh doctor or uh coroner.”</p> - -<p>Somebody starts to get both when the door flies open and in walks -Chuck. He ambles the length of the room and slams the shotgun down on -the bar.</p> - -<p>“——!” he snorts, “I shot its crop all to ——!”</p> - -<p>“Is—is it dead?” quavers the judge.</p> - -<p>“I don’t know, Judge,” replies Chuck, weary like. “It was when I -left.”</p> - -<p>“What’d yuh shoot it for?” asks Scenery.</p> - -<p>“It ate up all that raffle money—dang its hide! Now, I shot the -treasury all to flinders.”</p> - -<p>“Raffle money!” snorts Tellurium. “Did anybody pay yuh cash, Chuck? I -know danged well I didn’t. I just signed your paper for it.”</p> - -<p>Chuck looks blank like for uh minute, feels of his head, and snorts:</p> - -<p>“Cripes! I sure must uh been kicked hard. Where’s Ricky?”</p> - -<p>“Right here,” chirps Ricky. “What yuh want?”</p> - -<p>“Where’s that piece uh paper I gave yuh just before the raffle -started?”</p> - -<p>“Piece uh—oh, that piece. Gosh! Was that worth anything, Chuck? I -remember you handing it to me, and telling me to put it in my pocket, -but I thought yuh was joshing. Well, I was standing over there by that -shotgun, after Buck puts it back on the bar, and unless I’m mistaken I -sort uh absent-minded like shoved it into the muzzle uh that gun. I’m -sorry——”</p> - -<p>“You’re welcome,” states Chuck, offhand like. “It looks to me like I’d -shot the business all to —— with the profits. I lose eleven dollars -and four cents on the deal.”</p> - -<p>“What I want to know is this: is that bird critter still in the land -of the living?” interrupts Scenery Sims.</p> - -<p>“What I want to know is—has somebody got some liniment?” states the -judge, and then me and Magpie and Chuck goes outside.</p> - -<p>“Ain’t it awful?” complains Chuck. “The goose that was going to lay -the golden aig is dead, and your two hundred is all shot to pieces.”</p> - -<p>“Just because uh sixteen upside down is ninety-one,” agrees Magpie. -“How do yuh figure you’re out eleven dollars and four cents?”</p> - -<p>“I gave uh five spot to Art for holding his tongue, and Buck took uh -five for the busted looking-glass. Sabe? That’s ten. The dollar I had -to pay uh feller in Great Falls for writing that scientific letter, -one dollar, and it cost me postage both ways. She totals up to eleven -dollars and four cents, Magpie.”</p> - -<p>“Say, Chuck, where did yuh invent the name ‘Railami’ for that bird?”</p> - -<p>“Spell it backward, Ike,” says he.</p> - -<p>“You are,” states Magpie.</p> - -<div class="tn"> - <p style='text-indent:0'>Transcriber’s Note: This story appeared in - the April 3, 1918 issue of <em>Adventure</em> magazine.</p> -</div> -<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK UPSIDE DOWN OR BACKWARDS ***</div> -<div style='text-align:left'> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will -be renamed. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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