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diff --git a/old/66829-0.txt b/old/66829-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index cc486c6..0000000 --- a/old/66829-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,3798 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes", by Anita Loos - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" - The Illuminating Diary of a Professional Lady - -Author: Anita Loos - -Release Date: November 27, 2021 [eBook #66829] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -Produced by: Jeroen Hellingman and the Online Distributed Proofreading - Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from - images generously made available by The Internet - Archive/American Libraries.) - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK "GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES" *** - - - - “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes” - The Illuminating Diary of a Professional Lady - - By - Anita Loos - - Intimately Illustrated by - RALPH BARTON - - - - NEW YORK - BONI & LIVERIGHT - 1925 - - - - - - - - - To - JOHN EMERSON - - - - - - - - -CONTENTS - - - CHAPTER PAGE - - I. Gentlemen Prefer Blondes 11 - II. Fate Keeps on Happening 39 - III. London Is Really Nothing 63 - IV. Paris Is Devine 93 - V. The Central of Europe 131 - VI. Brains Are Really Everything 175 - - - - - - - - -GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES - - -CHAPTER ONE - -GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES - - -March 16th: - -A gentleman friend and I were dining at the Ritz last evening and he -said that if I took a pencil and a paper and put down all of my -thoughts it would make a book. This almost made me smile as what it -would really make would be a whole row of encyclopediacs. I mean I seem -to be thinking practically all of the time. I mean it is my favorite -recreation and sometimes I sit for hours and do not seem to do anything -else but think. So this gentleman said a girl with brains ought to do -something else with them besides think. And he said he ought to know -brains when he sees them, because he is in the senate and he spends -quite a great deal of time in Washington, d. c., and when he comes into -contract with brains he always notices it. So it might have all blown -over but this morning he sent me a book. And so when my maid brought it -to me, I said to her, “Well, Lulu, here is another book and we have not -read half the ones we have got yet.” But when I opened it and saw that -it was all a blank I remembered what my gentleman acquaintance said, -and so then I realized that it was a diary. So here I am writing a book -instead of reading one. - -But now it is the 16th of March and of course it is to late to begin -with January, but it does not matter as my gentleman friend, Mr. -Eisman, was in town practically all of January and February, and when -he is in town one day seems to be practically the same as the next day. - -I mean Mr. Eisman is in the wholesale button profession in Chicago and -he is the gentleman who is known practically all over Chicago as Gus -Eisman the Button King. And he is the gentleman who is interested in -educating me, so of course he is always coming down to New York to see -how my brains have improved since the last time. But when Mr. Eisman is -in New York we always seem to do the same thing and if I wrote down one -day in my diary, all I would have to do would be to put quotation marks -for all other days. I mean we always seem to have dinner at the Colony -and see a show and go to the Trocadero and then Mr. Eisman shows me to -my apartment. So of course when a gentleman is interested in educating -a girl, he likes to stay and talk about the topics of the day until -quite late, so I am quite fatigued the next day and I do not really get -up until it is time to dress for dinner at the Colony. - -It would be strange if I turn out to be an authoress. I mean at my home -near Little Rock, Arkansas, my family all wanted me to do something -about my music. Because all of my friends said I had talent and they -all kept after me and kept after me about practising. But some way I -never seemed to care so much about practising. I mean I simply could -not sit for hours and hours at a time practising just for the sake of a -career. So one day I got quite tempermental and threw the old mandolin -clear across the room and I have really never touched it since. But -writing is different because you do not have to learn or practise and -it is more tempermental because practising seems to take all the -temperment out of me. So now I really almost have to smile because I -have just noticed that I have written clear across two pages onto March -18th, so this will do for today and tomorrow. And it just shows how -tempermental I am when I get started. - - - -March 19th: - -Well last evening Dorothy called up and Dorothy said she has met a -gentleman who gave himself an introduction to her in the lobby of the -Ritz. So then they went to luncheon and tea and dinner and then they -went to a show and then they went to the Trocadero. So Dorothy said his -name was Lord Cooksleigh but what she really calls him is Coocoo. So -Dorothy said why don’t you and I and Coocoo go to the Follies tonight -and bring Gus along if he is in town? So then Dorothy and I had quite a -little quarrel because every time that Dorothy mentions the subject of -Mr. Eisman she calls Mr. Eisman by his first name, and she does not -seem to realize that when a gentleman who is as important as Mr. -Eisman, spends quite a lot of money educating a girl, it really does -not show reverance to call a gentleman by his first name. I mean I -never even think of calling Mr. Eisman by his first name, but if I want -to call him anything at all, I call him “Daddy” and I do not even call -him “Daddy” if a place seems to be public. So I told Dorothy that Mr. -Eisman would not be in town until day after tomorrow. So then Dorothy -and Coocoo came up and we went to the Follies. - -So this morning Coocoo called up and he wanted me to luncheon at the -Ritz. I mean these foreigners really have quite a nerve. Just because -Coocoo is an Englishman and a Lord he thinks a girl can waste hours on -him just for a luncheon at the Ritz, when all he does is talk about -some exposition he went on to a place called Tibet and after talking -for hours I found out that all they were was a lot of Chinamen. So I -will be quite glad to see Mr. Eisman when he gets in. Because he always -has something quite interesting to talk about, as for instants the last -time he was here he presented me with quite a beautiful emerald -bracelet. So next week is my birthday and he always has some delightful -surprise on holidays. - -I did intend to luncheon at the Ritz with Dorothy today and of course -Coocoo had to spoil it, as I told him that I could not luncheon with -him today, because my brother was in town on business and had the -mumps, so I really could not leave him alone. Because of course if I -went to the Ritz now I would bump into Coocoo. But I sometimes almost -have to smile at my own imagination, because of course I have not got -any brother and I have not even thought of the mumps for years. I mean -it is no wonder that I can write. - -So the reason I thought I would take luncheon at the Ritz was because -Mr. Chaplin is at the Ritz and I always like to renew old -acquaintances, because I met Mr. Chaplin once when we were both working -on the same lot in Hollywood and I am sure he would remember me. -Gentlemen always seem to remember blondes. I mean the only career I -would like to be besides an authoress is a cinema star and I was doing -quite well in the cinema when Mr. Eisman made me give it all up. -Because of course when a gentleman takes such a friendly interest in -educating a girl as Mr. Eisman does, you like to show that you -appreciate it, and he is against a girl being in the cinema because his -mother is authrodox. - - - -March 20th: - -Mr. Eisman gets in tomorrow to be here in time for my birthday. So I -thought it would really be delightful to have at least one good time -before Mr. Eisman got in, so last evening I had some literary gentlemen -in to spend the evening because Mr. Eisman always likes me to have -literary people in and out of the apartment. I mean he is quite anxious -for a girl to improve her mind and his greatest interest in me is -because I always seem to want to improve my mind and not waste any -time. And Mr. Eisman likes me to have what the French people call a -“salo” which means that people all get together in the evening and -improve their minds. So I invited all of the brainy gentlemen I could -think up. So I thought up a gentleman who is the proffessor of all of -the economics up at Columbia College, and the editor who is the famous -editor of the New York Transcript and another gentleman who is a famous -playright who writes very, very famous plays that are all about Life. I -mean anybody would recognize his name but it always seems to slip my -memory because all of we real friends of his only call him Sam. So Sam -asked if he could bring a gentleman who writes novels from England, so -I said yes, so he brought him. And then we all got together and I -called up Gloria and Dorothy and the gentleman brought their own -liquor. So of course the place was a wreck this morning and Lulu and I -worked like proverbial dogs to get it cleaned up, but Heaven knows how -long it will take to get the chandelier fixed. - - - -March 22nd: - -Well my birthday has come and gone but it was really quite depressing. -I mean it seems to me a gentleman who has a friendly interest in -educating a girl like Gus Eisman, would want her to have the biggest -square cut diamond in New York. I mean I must say I was quite -disappointed when he came to the apartment with a little thing you -could hardly see. So I told him I thought it was quite cute, but I had -quite a headache and I had better stay in a dark room all day and I -told him I would see him the next day, perhaps. Because even Lulu -thought it was quite small and she said, if she was I, she really would -do something definite and she said she always believed in the old -addage, “Leave them while you’re looking good.” But he came in at -dinner time with really a very very beautiful bracelet of square cut -diamonds so I was quite cheered up. So then we had dinner at the Colony -and we went to a show and supper at the Trocadero as usual whenever he -is in town. But I will give him credit that he realized how small it -was. I mean he kept talking about how bad business was and the button -profession was full of bolshevicks who make nothing but trouble. -Because Mr. Eisman feels that the country is really on the verge of the -bolshevicks and I become quite worried. I mean if the bolshevicks do -get in, there is only one gentleman who could handle them and that is -Mr. D. W. Griffith. Because I will never forget when Mr. Griffith was -directing Intolerance. I mean it was my last cinema just before Mr. -Eisman made me give up my career and I was playing one of the girls -that fainted at the battle when all of the gentlemen fell off the -tower. And when I saw how Mr. Griffith handled all of those mobs in -Intolerance I realized that he could do anything, and I really think -that the government of America ought to tell Mr. Griffith to get all -ready if the bolshevicks start to do it. - -Well I forgot to mention that the English gentleman who writes novels -seems to have taken quite an interest in me, as soon as he found out -that I was literary. I mean he has called up every day and I went to -tea twice with him. So he has sent me a whole complete set of books for -my birthday by a gentleman called Mr. Conrad. They all seem to be about -ocean travel although I have not had time to more than glance through -them. I have always liked novels about ocean travel ever since I posed -for Mr. Christie for the front cover of a novel about ocean travel by -McGrath because I always say that a girl never really looks as well as -she does on board a steamship, or even a yacht. - -So the English gentleman’s name is Mr. Gerald Lamson as those who have -read his novels would know. And he also sent me some of his own novels -and they all seem to be about middle age English gentlemen who live in -the country over in London and seem to ride bicycles, which seems quite -different from America, except at Palm Beach. So I told Mr. Lamson how -I write down all of my thoughts and he said he knew I had something to -me from the first minute he saw me and when we become better acquainted -I am going to let him read my diary. I mean I even told Mr. Eisman -about him and he is quite pleased. Because of course Mr. Lamson is -quite famous and it seems Mr. Eisman has read all of his novels going -to and fro on the trains and Mr. Eisman is always anxious to meet -famous people and take them to the Ritz to dinner on Saturday night. -But of course I did not tell Mr. Eisman that I am really getting quite -a little crush on Mr. Lamson, which I really believe I am, but Mr. -Eisman thinks my interest in him is more literary. - - - -March 30th: - -At last Mr. Eisman has left on the 20th Century and I must say I am -quite fatigued and a little rest will be quite welcome. I mean I do not -mind staying out late every night if I dance, but Mr. Eisman is really -not such a good dancer so most of the time we just sit and drink some -champagne or have a bite to eat and of course I do not dance with -anyone else when I am out with Mr. Eisman. But Mr. Eisman and Gerry, as -Mr. Lamson wants me to call him, became quite good friends and we had -several evenings, all three together. So now that Mr. Eisman is out of -town at last, Gerry and I are going out together this evening and Gerry -said not to dress up, because Gerry seems to like me more for my soul. -So I really had to tell Gerry that if all the gentlemen were like he -seems to be, Madame Frances’ whole dress making establishment would -have to go out of business. But Gerry does not like a girl to be -nothing else but a doll, but he likes her to bring in her husband’s -slippers every evening and make him forget what he has gone through. - -But before Mr. Eisman went to Chicago he told me that he is going to -Paris this summer on professional business and I think he intends to -present me with a trip to Paris as he says there is nothing so -educational as traveling. I mean it did worlds of good to Dorothy when -she went abroad last spring and I never get tired of hearing her -telling how the merry-go-rounds in Paris have pigs instead of horses. -But I really do not know whether to be thrilled or not because, of -course, if I go to Paris I will have to leave Gerry and both Gerry and -I have made up our minds not to be separated from one another from now -on. - - - -March 31st: - -Last night Gerry and I had dinner at quite a quaint place where we had -roast beef and baked potato. I mean he always wants me to have food -which is what he calls “nourishing” which most gentlemen never seem to -think about. So then we took a hansom cab and drove for hours around -the park because Gerry said the air would be good for me. It is really -very sweet to have some one think of all those things that gentlemen -hardly ever seem to think about. So then we talked quite a lot. I mean -Gerry knows how to draw a girl out and I told him things that I really -would not even put in my diary. So when he heard all about my life he -became quite depressed and we both had tears in our eyes. Because he -said he never dreamed a girl could go through so much as I, and come -out so sweet and not made bitter by it all. I mean Gerry thinks that -most gentlemen are brutes and hardly ever think about a girl’s soul. - -So it seems that Gerry has had quite a lot of trouble himself and he -can not even get married on account of his wife. He and she have never -been in love with each other but she was a suffragette and asked him to -marry her, so what could he do? So we rode all around the park until -quite late talking and philosophizing quite a lot and I finally told -him that I thought, after all, that bird life was the highest form of -civilization. So Gerry calls me his little thinker and I really would -not be surprised if all of my thoughts will give him quite a few ideas -for his novels. Because Gerry says he has never seen a girl of my -personal appearance with so many brains. And he had almost given up -looking for his ideal when our paths seemed to cross each other and I -told him I really thought a thing like that was nearly always the -result of fate. - -So Gerry says that I remind him quite a lot of Helen of Troy, who was -of Greek extraction. But the only Greek I know is a Greek gentleman by -the name of Mr. Georgopolis who is really quite wealthy and he is what -Dorothy and I call a “Shopper” because you can always call him up at -any hour and ask him to go shopping and he is always quite delighted, -which very few gentlemen seem to be. And he never seems to care how -much anything costs. I mean Mr. Georgopolis is also quite cultured, as -I know quite a few gentlemen who can speak to a waiter in French but -Mr. Georgopolis can also speak to a waiter in Greek which very few -gentlemen seem to be able to do. - - - -April 1st: - -I am taking special pains with my diary from now on as I am really -writing it for Gerry. I mean he and I are going to read it together -some evening in front of the fireplace. But Gerry leaves this evening -for Boston as he has to lecture about all of his works at Boston, but -he will rush right back as soon as possible. So I am going to spend all -of my time improving myself while he is gone. And this afternoon we are -both going to a museum on 5th Avenue, because Gerry wants to show me a -very very beautiful cup made by an antique jeweler called Mr. Cellini -and he wants me to read Mr. Cellini’s life which is a very very fine -book and not dull while he is in Boston. - -So the famous playright friend of mine who is called Sam called up this -morning and he wanted me to go to a literary party tonight that he and -some other literary gentlemen are giving to Florence Mills in Harlem -but Gerry does not want me to go with Sam as Sam always insists on -telling riskay stories. But personally I am quite broad minded and I -always say that I do not mind a riskay story as long as it is really -funny. I mean I have a great sense of humor. But Gerry says Sam does -not always select and choose his stories and he just as soon I did not -go out with him. So I am going to stay home and read the book by Mr. -Cellini instead, because, after all, the only thing I am really -interested in, is improving my mind. So I am going to do nothing else -but improve my mind while Gerry is in Boston. I mean I just received a -cable from Willie Gwynn who arrives from Europe tomorrow, but I am not -even going to bother to see him. He is a sweet boy but he never gets -anywhere and I am not going to waste my time on such as him, after -meeting a gentleman like Gerry. - - - -April 2nd: - -I seem to be quite depressed this morning as I always am when there is -nothing to put my mind to. Because I decided not to read the book by -Mr. Cellini. I mean it was quite amuseing in spots because it was -really quite riskay but the spots were not so close together and I -never seem to like to always be hunting clear through a book for the -spots I am looking for, especially when there are really not so many -spots that seem to be so amuseing after all. So I did not waste my time -on it but this morning I told Lulu to let all of the house work go and -spend the day reading a book entitled “Lord Jim” and then tell me all -about it, so that I would improve my mind while Gerry is away. But when -I got her the book I nearly made a mistake and gave her a book by the -title of “The Nigger of the Narcissus” which really would have hurt her -feelings. I mean I do not know why authors cannot say “Negro” instead -of “Nigger” as they have their feelings just the same as we have. - -Well I just got a telegram from Gerry that he will not be back until -tomorrow and also some orchids from Willie Gwynn, so I may as well go -to the theatre with Willie tonight to keep from getting depressed, as -he really is a sweet boy after all. I mean he never really does -anything obnoxious. And it is quite depressing to stay at home and do -nothing but read, unless you really have a book that is worth bothering -about. - - - -April 3rd: - -I was really so depressed this morning that I was even glad to get a -letter from Mr. Eisman. Because last night Willie Gwynn came to take me -to the Follies, but he was so intoxicated that I had to telephone his -club to send around a taxi to take him home. So that left me alone with -Lulu at nine o’clock with nothing to do, so I put in a telephone call -for Boston to talk to Gerry but it never went through. So Lulu tried to -teach me how to play mah jong, but I really could not keep my mind on -it because I was so depressed. So today I think I had better go over to -Madame Frances and order some new evening gowns to cheer me up. - -Well Lulu just brought me a telegram from Gerry that he will be in this -afternoon, but I must not meet him at the station on account of all of -the reporters who always meet him at the station wherever he comes -from. But he says he will come right up to see me as he has something -to talk about. - - - -April 4th: - -What an evening we had last evening. I mean it seems that Gerry is -madly in love with me. Because all of the time he was in Boston -lecturing to the womens clubs he said, as he looked over the faces of -all those club women in Boston, he never realized I was so beautiful. -And he said that there was only one in all the world and that was me. -But it seems that Gerry thinks that Mr. Eisman is terrible and that no -good can come of our friendship. I mean I was quite surprised, as they -both seemed to get along quite well together, but it seems that Gerry -never wants me to see Mr. Eisman again. And he wants me to give up -everything and study French and he will get a divorce and we will be -married. Because Gerry does not seem to like the kind of life all of us -lead in New York and he wants me to go home to papa in Arkansas and he -will send me books to read so that I will not get lonesome there. And -he gave me his uncle’s Masonic ring, which came down from the time of -Soloman and which he never even lets his wife wear, for our engagement -ring, and this afternoon a lady friend of his is going to bring me a -new system she thought up of how to learn French. But some way I still -seem to be depressed. I mean I could not sleep all night thinking of -the terrible things Gerry said about New York and about Mr. Eisman. Of -course I can understand Gerry being jealous of any gentleman friend of -mine and of course I never really thought that Mr. Eisman was Rudolph -Valentino, but Gerry said it made him cringe to think of a sweet girl -like I having a friendship with Mr. Eisman. So it really made me feel -quite depressed. I mean Gerry likes to talk quite a lot and I always -think a lot of talk is depressing and worries your brains with things -you never even think of when you are busy. But so long as Gerry does -not mind me going out with other gentlemen when they have something to -give you mentally, I am going to luncheon with Eddie Goldmark of the -Goldmark Films who is always wanting me to sign a contract to go into -the cinema. Because Mr. Goldmark is madly in love with Dorothy and -Dorothy is always wanting me to go back in the cinema because Dorothy -says that she will go if I will go. - - - -April 6th: - -Well I finally wrote Mr. Eisman that I was going to get married and it -seems that he is coming on at once as he would probably like to give me -his advice. Getting married is really quite serious and Gerry talks to -me for hours and hours about it. I mean he never seems to get tired of -talking and he does not seem to even want to go to shows or dance or do -anything else but talk, and if I don’t really have something definite -to put my mind on soon I will scream. - - - -April 7th: - -Well Mr. Eisman arrived this morning and he and I had quite a long -talk, and after all I think he is right. Because here is the first real -opportunity I have ever really had. I mean to go to Paris and broaden -out and improve my writing, and why should I give it up to marry an -author, where he is the whole thing and all I would be would be the -wife of Gerald Lamson? And on top of that I would have to be dragged -into the scandal of a divorce court and get my name smirched. So Mr. -Eisman said that opportunities come to seldom in a girls life for me to -give up the first one I have really ever had. So I am sailing for -France and London on Tuesday and taking Dorothy with me and Mr. Eisman -says that he will see us there later. So Dorothy knows all of the ropes -and she can get along in Paris just as though she knew French and -besides she knows a French gentleman who was born and raised there, who -speaks it like a native and knows Paris like a book. And Dorothy says -that when we get to London nearly everybody speaks English anyway. So -it is quite lucky that Mr. Lamson is out lecturing in Cincinnati and he -will not be back until Wednesday and I can send him a letter and tell -him that I have to go to Europe now but I will see him later perhaps. -So anyway I will be spared listening to any more of his depressing -conversation. So Mr. Eisman gave me quite a nice string of pearls and -he gave Dorothy a diamond pin and we all went to the Colony for dinner -and we all went to a show and supper at the Trocadero and we all spent -quite a pleasant evening. - - - - - - - - -CHAPTER TWO - -FATE KEEPS ON HAPPENING - - -April 11th: - -Well Dorothy and I are really on the ship sailing to Europe as anyone -could tell by looking at the ocean. I always love the ocean. I mean I -always love a ship and I really love the Majestic because you would not -know it was a ship because it is just like being at the Ritz, and the -steward says the ocean is not so obnoxious this month as it generally -is. So Mr. Eisman is going to meet us next month in Paris because he -has to be there on business. I mean he always says that there is really -no place to see the latest styles in buttons like Paris. - -So Dorothy is out taking a walk up and down the deck with a gentleman -she met on the steps, but I am not going to waste my time going around -with gentlemen because if I did nothing but go around I would not -finish my diary or read good books which I am always reading to improve -my mind. But Dorothy really does not care about her mind and I always -scold her because she does nothing but waste her time by going around -with gentlemen who do not have anything, when Eddie Goldmark of the -Goldmark Films is really quite wealthy and can make a girl delightful -presents. But she does nothing but waste her time and yesterday, which -was really the day before we sailed, she would not go to luncheon with -Mr. Goldmark but she went to luncheon to meet a gentleman called Mr. -Mencken from Baltimore who really only prints a green magazine which -has not even got any pictures in it. But Mr. Eisman is always saying -that every girl does not want to get ahead and get educated like me. - -So Mr. Eisman and Lulu come down to the boat to see me off and Lulu -cried quite a lot. I mean I really believe she could not care any more -for me if she was light and not colored. Lulu has had a very sad life -because when she was quite young a pullman porter fell madly in love -with her. So she believed him and he lured her away from her home to -Ashtabula and deceived her there. So she finally found out that she had -been deceived and she really was broken hearted and when she tried to -go back home she found out that it was to late because her best girl -friend, who she had always trusted, had stolen her husband and he would -not take Lulu back. So I have always said to her she could always work -for me and she is going to take care of the apartment until I get back, -because I would not sublet the apartment because Dorothy sublet her -apartment when she went to Europe last year and the gentleman who -sublet the apartment allowed girls to pay calls on him who were not -nice. - -Mr. Eisman has litereally filled our room with flowers and the steward -has had quite a hard time to find enough vases to put them into. I mean -the steward said he knew as soon as he saw Dorothy and I that he would -have quite a heavy run on vases. And of course Mr. Eisman has sent me -quite a lot of good books as he always does, because he always knows -that good books are always welcome. So he has sent me quite a large -book of Etiquette as he says there is quite a lot of Etiquette in -England and London and it would be a good thing for a girl to learn. So -I am going to take it on the deck after luncheon and read it, because I -would often like to know what a girl ought to do when a gentleman she -has just met, says something to her in a taxi. Of course I always -become quite vexed but I always believe in giving a gentleman another -chance. - -So now the steward tells me it is luncheon time, so I will go upstairs -as the gentleman Dorothy met on the steps has invited us to luncheon in -the Ritz, which is a special dining room on the ship where you can -spend quite a lot of money because they really give away the food in -the other dining room. - - - -April 12th: - -I am going to stay in bed this morning as I am quite upset as I saw a -gentleman who quite upset me. I am not really sure it was the -gentleman, as I saw him at quite a distants in the bar, but if it -really is the gentleman it shows that when a girl has a lot of fate in -her life it is sure to keep on happening. So when I thought I saw this -gentleman I was with Dorothy and Major Falcon, who is the gentleman -Dorothy met on the steps, and Major Falcon noticed that I became upset, -so he wanted me to tell him what was the matter, but it is really so -terrible that I would not want to tell anyone. So I said good night to -Major Falcon and I left him with Dorothy and I went down to our room -and did nothing but cry and send the steward for some champagne to -cheer me up. I mean champagne always makes me feel philosophical -because it makes me realize that when a girl’s life is as full of fate -as mine seems to be, there is nothing else to do about it. So this -morning the steward brought me my coffee and quite a large pitcher of -ice water so I will stay in bed and not have any more champagne until -luncheon time. - -Dorothy never has any fate in her life and she does nothing but waste -her time and I really wonder if I did right to bring her with me and -not Lulu. I mean she really gives gentlemen a bad impression as she -talks quite a lot of slang. Because when I went up yesterday to meet -she and Major Falcon for luncheon, I overheard her say to Major Falcon -that she really liked to become intoxicated once in a “dirty” while. -Only she did not say intoxicated, but she really said a slang word that -means intoxicated and I am always having to tell her that “dirty” is a -slang word and she really should not say “dirty.” - -Major Falcon is really quite a delightful gentleman for an Englishman. -I mean he really spends quite a lot of money and we had quite a -delightful luncheon and dinner in the Ritz until I thought I saw the -gentleman who upset me and I am so upset I think I will get dressed and -go up on the deck and see if it really is the one I think it is. I mean -there is nothing else for me to do as I have finished writing in my -diary for today and I have decided not to read the book of Ettiquette -as I glanced through it and it does not seem to have anything in it -that I would care to know because it wastes quite a lot of time telling -you what to call a Lord and all the Lords I have met have told me what -to call them and it is generally some quite cute name like Coocoo whose -real name is really Lord Cooksleigh. So I will not waste my time on -such a book. But I wish I did not feel so upset about the gentleman I -think I saw. - - - -April 13th: - -It really is the gentleman I thought I saw. I mean when I found out it -was the gentleman my heart really stopped. Because it all brought back -things that anybody does not like to remember, no matter who they are. -So yesterday when I went up on the deck to see if I could see the -gentleman and see if it really was him, I met quite a delightful -gentleman who I met once at a party called Mr. Ginzberg. Only his name -is not Mr. Ginzberg any more because a gentleman in London called Mr. -Battenburg, who is some relation to some king, changed his name to Mr. -Mountbatten which Mr. Ginzberg says really means the same thing after -all. So Mr. Ginsberg changed his name to Mr. Mountginz which he really -thinks is more aristocratic. So we walked around the deck and we met -the gentleman face to face and I really saw it was him and he really -saw it was me. I mean his face became so red it was almost a picture. -So I was so upset I said good-bye to Mr. Mountginz and I started to -rush right down to my room and cry. But when I was going down the -steps, I bumped right into Major Falcon who noticed that I was upset. -So Major Falcon made me go to the Ritz and have some champagne and tell -him all about it. - -So then I told Major Falcon about the time in Arkansas when Papa sent -me to Little Rock to study how to become a stenographer. I mean Papa -and I had quite a little quarrel because Papa did not like a gentleman -who used to pay calls on me in the park and Papa thought it would do me -good to get away for awhile. So I was in the business colledge in -Little Rock for about a week when a gentleman called Mr. Jennings paid -a call on the business colledge because he wanted to have a new -stenographer. So he looked over all we colledge girls and he picked me -out. So he told our teacher that he would help me finish my course in -his office because he was only a lawyer and I really did not have to -know so much. So Mr. Jennings helped me quite a lot and I stayed in his -office about a year when I found out that he was not the kind of a -gentleman that a young girl is safe with. I mean one evening when I -went to pay a call on him at his apartment, I found a girl there who -really was famous all over Little Rock for not being nice. So when I -found out that girls like that paid calls on Mr. Jennings I had quite a -bad case of histerics and my mind was really a blank and when I came -out of it, it seems that I had a revolver in my hand and it seems that -the revolver had shot Mr. Jennings. - -So this gentleman on the boat was really the District Attorney who was -at the trial and he really was quite harsh at the trial and he called -me names that I would not even put in my diary. Because everyone at the -trial except the District Attorney was really lovely to me and all the -gentlemen in the jury all cried when my lawyer pointed at me and told -them that they practically all had had either a mother or a sister. So -the jury was only out three minutes and then they came back and -acquitted me and they were all so lovely that I really had to kiss all -of them and when I kissed the judge he had tears in his eyes and he -took me right home to his sister. I mean it was when Mr. Jennings -became shot that I got the idea to go into the cinema, so Judge Hibbard -got me a ticket to Hollywood. So it was Judge Hibbard who really gave -me my name because he did not like the name I had because he said a -girl ought to have a name that ought to express her personality. So he -said my name ought to be Lorelei which is the name of a girl who became -famous for sitting on a rock in Germany, So I was in Hollywood in the -cinema when I met Mr. Eisman and he said that a girl with my brains -ought not to be in the cinema but she ought to be educated, so he took -me out of the cinema so he could educate me. - -So Major Falcon was really quite interested in everything I talked -about, because he said it was quite a co-instance because this District -Attorney, who is called Mr. Bartlett, is now working for the government -of America and he is on his way to a place called Vienna on some -business for Uncle Sam that is quite a great secret and Mr. Falcon -would like very much to know what the secret is, because the Government -in London sent him to America especially to find out what it was. Only -of course Mr. Bartlett does not know who Major Falcon is, because it is -such a great secret, but Major Falcon can tell me, because he knows who -he can trust. So Major Falcon says he thinks a girl like I ought to -forgive and forget what Mr. Bartlett called me and he wants to bring us -together and he says he thinks Mr. Bartlett would talk to me quite a -lot when he really gets to know me and I forgive him for that time in -Little Rock. Because it would be quite romantic for Mr. Bartlett and I -to become friendly, and gentlemen who work for Uncle Sam generally like -to become romantic with girls. So he is going to bring us together on -the deck after dinner tonight and I am going to forgive him and talk -with him quite a lot, because why should a girl hold a grudge against a -gentleman who had to do it. So Major Falcon brought me quite a large -bottle of perfume and a quite cute imitation of quite a large size dog -in the little shop which is on board the boat. I mean Major Falcon -really knows how to cheer a girl up quite a lot and so tonight I am -going to make it all up with Mr. Bartlett. - - - -April 14th: - -Well Mr. Bartlett and I made it all up last night and we are going to -be the best of friends and talk quite a lot. So when I went down to my -room quite late Major Falcon came down to see if I and Mr. Bartlett -were really going to be friends because he said a girl with brains like -I ought to have lots to talk about with a gentleman with brains like -Mr. Bartlett who knows all of Uncle Sam’s secrets. - -So I told Major Falcon how Mr. Bartlett thinks that he and I seem to be -like a play, because all the time he was calling me all those names in -Little Rock he really thought I was. So when he found out that I turned -out not to be, he said he always thought that I only used my brains -against gentlemen and really had quite a cold heart. But now he thinks -I ought to write a play about how he called me all those names in -Little Rock and then, after seven years, we became friendly. - -So I told Major Falcon that I told Mr. Bartlett I would like to write -the play but I really did not have time as it takes quite a lot of time -to write my diary and read good books. So Mr. Bartlett did not know -that I read books which is quite a co-instance because he reads them -to. So he is going to bring me a book of philosophy this afternoon -called “Smile, Smile, Smile” which all the brainy senators in -Washington are reading which cheers you up quite a lot. - -So I told Major Falcon that having a friendship with Mr. Barlett was -really quite enervating because Mr. Bartlett does not drink anything -and the less anybody says about his dancing the better. But he did ask -me to dine at his table, which is not in the Ritz and I told him I -could not, but Major Falcon told me I ought to, but I told Major Falcon -that there was a limit to almost everything. So I am going to stay in -my room until luncheon and I am going to luncheon in the Ritz with Mr. -Mountginz who really knows how to treat a girl. - -Dorothy is up on the deck wasting quite a lot of time with a gentleman -who is only a tennis champion. So I am going to ring for the steward -and have some champagne which is quite good for a person on a boat. The -steward is really quite a nice boy and he has had quite a sad life and -he likes to tell me all about himself. I mean it seems that he was -arrested in Flatbush because he promised a gentleman that he would -bring him some very very good scotch and they mistook him for a -bootlegger. So it seems they put him in a prison and they put him in a -cell with two other gentlemen who were very, very famous burglars. I -mean they really had their pictures in all the newspapers and everybody -was talking about them. So my steward, whose real name is Fred, was -very very proud to be in the same cell with such famous burglars. So -when they asked him what he was in for, he did not like to tell them -that he was only a bootlegger, so he told them that he set fire to a -house and burned up quite a large family in Oklahoma. So everything -would have gone alright except that the police had put a dictaphone in -the cell and used it all against him and he could not get out until -they had investigated all the fires in Oklahoma. So I always think that -it is much more educational to talk to a boy like Fred who has been -through a lot and really suffered than it is to talk to a gentleman -like Mr. Bartlett. But I will have to talk to Mr. Bartlett all -afternoon as Major Falcon has made an appointment for me to spend the -whole afternoon with him. - - - -April 15th: - -Last night there was quite a maskerade ball on the ship which was -really all for the sake of charity because most of the sailors seem to -have orphans which they get from going on the ocean when the sea is -very rough. So they took up quite a collection and Mr. Bartlett made -quite a long speech in favor of orphans especially when their parents -are sailors. Mr. Bartlett really likes to make speeches quite a lot. I -mean he even likes to make speeches when he is all alone with a girl -when they are walking up and down a deck. But the maskerade ball was -quite cute and one gentleman really looked almost like an imitation of -Mr. Chaplin. So Dorothy and I really did not want to go to the ball but -Mr. Bartlett bought us two scarfs at the little store which is on the -ship so we tied them around our hips and everyone said we made quite a -cute Carmen. So Mr. Bartlett and Major Falcon and the tennis champion -were the Judges. So Dorothy and I won the prizes. I mean I really hope -I do not get any more large size imitations of a dog as I have three -now and I do not see why the Captain does not ask Mr. Cartier to have a -jewelry store on the ship as it is really not much fun to go shopping -on a ship with gentlemen, and buy nothing but imitations of dogs. - -So after we won the prizes I had an engagement to go up on the top of -the deck with Mr. Bartlett as it seems he likes to look at the -moonlight quite a lot. So I told him to go up and wait for me and I -would be up later as I promised a dance to Mr. Mountginz. So he asked -me how long I would be dancing till, but I told him to wait up there -and he would find out. So Mr. Mountginz and I had quite a delightful -dance and champagne until Major Falcon found us. Because he was looking -for me and he said I really should not keep Mr. Bartlett waiting. So I -went up on the deck and Mr. Bartlett was up there waiting for me and it -seems that he really is madly in love with me because he did not sleep -a wink since we became friendly. Because he never thought that I really -had brains but now that he knows it, it seems that he has been looking -for a girl like me for years, and he said that really the place for me -when he got back home was Washington d. c. where he lives. So I told -him I thought a thing like that was nearly always the result of fate. -So he wanted me to get off the ship tomorrow at France and take the -same trip that he is taking to Vienna as it seems that Vienna is in -France and if you go on to England you go to far. But I told him that I -could not because I thought that if he was really madly in love with me -he would take a trip to London instead. But he told me that he had -serious business in Vienna that was a very, very great secret. But I -told him I did not believe it was business but that it really was some -girl, because what business could be so important? So he said it was -business for the United States government at Washington and he could -not tell anybody what it was. So then we looked at the moonlight quite -a lot. So I told him I would go to Vienna if I really knew it was -business and not some girl, because I could not see how business could -be so important. So then he told me all about it. So it seems that -Uncle Sam wants some new aeroplanes that everybody else seems to want, -especially England, and Uncle Sam has quite a clever way to get them -which is to long to put in my diary. So we sat up and saw the sun rise -and I became quite stiff and told him I would have to go down to my -room because, after all, the ship lands at France today and I said if I -got off the boat at France to go to Vienna with him I would have to -pack up. - -So I went down to my room and went to bed. So then Dorothy came in and -she was up on the deck with the tennis champion but she did not notice -the sun rise as she really does not love nature but always wastes her -time and ruins her clothes even though I always tell her not to drink -champagne out of a bottle on the deck of the ship as it lurches quite a -lot. So I am going to have luncheon in my room and I will send a note -to Mr. Bartlett to tell him I will not be able to get off the boat at -France to go to Vienna with him as I have quite a headache, but I will -see him sometime somewhere else. So Major Falcon is going to come down -at 12 and I have got to thinking over what Mr. Bartlett called me at -Little Rock and I am quite upset. I mean a gentleman never pays for -those things but a girl always pays. So I think I will tell Major -Falcon all about the airoplane business as he really wants to know. -And, after all I do not think Mr. Bartlett is a gentleman to call me -all those names in Little Rock even if it was seven years ago. I mean -Major Falcon is always a gentleman and he really wants to do quite a -lot for us in London. Because he knows the Prince of Wales and he -thinks that Dorothy and I would like the Prince of Wales once we had -really got to meet him. So I am going to stay in my room until Mr. -Bartlett gets off the ship at France, because I really do not seem to -care if I never see Mr. Bartlett again. - -So tomorrow we will be at England bright and early. And I really feel -quite thrilled because Mr. Eisman sent me a cable this morning, as he -does every morning, and he says to take advantage of everybody we meet -as traveling is the highest form of education. I mean Mr. Eisman is -always right and Major Falcon knows all the sights in London including -the Prince of Wales so it really looks like Dorothy and I would have -quite a delightful time in London. - - - - - - - - -CHAPTER THREE - -LONDON IS REALLY NOTHING - - -April 17th: - -Well, Dorothy and I are really at London. I mean we got to London on -the train yesterday as the boat does not come clear up to London but it -stops on the beach and you have to take a train. I mean everything is -much better in New York, because the boat comes right up to New York -and I am really beginning to think that London is not so educational -after all. But I did not tell Mr. Eisman when I cabled him last night -because Mr. Eisman really sent me to London to get educated and I would -hate to tell him that London is a failure because we know more in New -York. - -So Dorothy and I came to the Ritz and it is delightfully full of -Americans. I mean you would really think it was New York because I -always think that the most delightful thing about traveling is to -always be running into Americans and to always feel at home. - -So yesterday Dorothy and I went down to luncheon at the Ritz and we saw -a quite cute little blond girl at the next table and I nudged Dorothy -under the table, because I do not think it is nice to nudge a person on -top of the table as I am trying to teach good manners to Dorothy. So I -said “That is quite a cute little girl so she must be an American -girl.” And sure enough she called the head-waiter with quite an -American accent and she was quite angry and she said to him, I have -been coming to this hotel for 35 years and this is the first time I -have been kept waiting. So I recognized her voice because it was really -Fanny Ward. So we asked her to come over to our table and we were all -three delighted to see each other. Because I and Fanny have known each -other for about five years but I really feel as if I knew her better -because mama knew her 45 years ago when she and mama used to go to -school together and mama used to always follow all her weddings in all -the newspapers. So now Fanny lives in London and is famous for being -one of the cutest girls in London. I mean Fanny is almost historical, -because when a girl is cute for 50 years it really begins to get -historical. - -So if mama did not die of hardening of the arterys she and Fanny and I -could have quite a delightful time in London as Fanny loves to shop. So -we went shopping for hats and instead of going to the regular shop we -went to the childrens department and Fanny and I bought some quite cute -hats as childrens hats only cost half as much and Fanny does it all the -time. I mean Fanny really loves hats and she buys some in the -children’s department every week, so she really saves quite a lot of -money. - -So we came back to the Ritz to meet Major Falcon because Major Falcon -invited us to go to tea with him at a girls house called Lady Shelton. -So Major Falcon invited Fanny to go with us to, but she was sorry -because she had to go to her music lesson. - -So at Lady Sheltons house we met quite a few people who seemed to be -English. I mean some of the girls in London seem to be Ladies which -seems to be the opposite of a Lord. And some who are not Ladies are -honorable. But quite a few are not Ladies or honorable either, but are -just like us, so all you have to call them is “Miss.” So Lady Shelton -was really delighted to have we Americans come to her house. I mean she -took Dorothy and I into the back parlor and tried to sell us some shell -flowers she seems to make out of sea shells for 25 pounds. So we asked -her how much it was in money and it seems it is 125 dollars. I mean I -am really going to have a quite hard time in London with Dorothy -because she really should not say to an English lady what she said. I -mean she should not say to an English lady that in America we use -shells the same way only we put a dry pea under one of them and we call -it a game. But I told Lady Shelton we really did not need any shell -flowers. So Lady Shelton said she knew we Americans loved dogs so she -would love us to meet her mother. - -So then she took Dorothy and Major Falcon and I to her mother’s house -which was just around the corner from her house. Because her mother -seems to be called a Countess and raise dogs. So her mother was having -a party too, and she seemed to have quite red hair and quite a lot of -paint for such an elderly lady. So the first thing she asked us was she -asked us if we bought some shell flowers from her daughter. So we told -her no. But she did not seem to act like a Countess of her elderly age -should act. Because she said, “You were right my dears—don’t let my -daughter stick you—they fall apart in less than a week.” So then she -asked us if we would like to buy a dog. I mean I could not stop Dorothy -but she said “How long before the dogs fall apart?” But I do not think -the Countess acted like a Countess ought to act because she laughed -very, very loud and she said that Dorothy was really priceless and she -grabbed Dorothy and kissed her and held her arm around her all the -time. I mean I really think that a Countess should not encouradge -Dorothy or else she is just as unrefined as Dorothy seems to be. But I -told the Countess that we did not need any dog. - -So then I met quite a delightful English lady who had a very, very -beautiful diamond tiara in her hand bag because she said that she -thought some Americans would be at the party and it was really a very, -very great bargain. I mean I think a diamond tiara is delightful -because it is a place where I really never thought of wearing diamonds -before, and I thought I had almost one of everything until I saw a -diamond tiara. The English lady who is called Mrs. Weeks said it was in -her family for years but the good thing about diamonds is they always -look new. So I was really very intreeged and I asked her how much it -cost in money and it seems it was $7,500. - -So then I looked around the room and I noticed a gentleman who seemed -to be quite well groomed. So I asked Major Falcon who he was and he -said he was called Sir Francis Beekman and it seems he is very, very -wealthy. So then I asked Major Falcon to give us an introduction to one -another and we met one another and I asked Sir Francis Beekman if he -would hold my hat while I could try on the diamond tiara because I -could wear it backwards with a ribbon, on account of my hair being -hobbed, and I told Sir Francis Beekman that I really thought it looked -quite cute. So he thought it did to, but he seemed to have another -engagement. So the Countess came up to me and she is really very -unrefined because she said to me “Do not waste your time on him” -because she said that whenever Sir Francis Beekman spent a haypenny the -statue of a gentleman called Mr. Nelson took off his hat and bowed. I -mean some people are so unrefined they seem to have unrefined thoughts -about everything. - -So I really have my heart set on the diamond tiara and I became quite -worried because Mrs. Weeks said she was going to a delightful party -last night that would be full of delightful Americans and it would be -snaped up. So I was so worried that I gave her 100 dollars and she is -going to hold the diamond tiara for me. Because what is the use of -traveling if you do not take advantadge of oportunities and it really -is quite unusual to get a bargain from an English lady. So last night I -cabled Mr. Eisman and I told Mr. Eisman that he does not seem to how -know much it costs to get educated by traveling and I said I really -would have to have $10,000 and I said I hoped I would not have to -borrow the money from some strange English gentleman, even if he might -be very very good looking. So I really could not sleep all night -because of all of my worrying because if I do not get the money to buy -the diamond tiara it may be a quite hard thing to get back $100 from an -English lady. - -So now I must really get dressed as Major Falcon is going to take -Dorothy and I to look at all the sights in London. But I really think -if I do not get the diamond tiara my whole trip to London will be quite -a failure. - - - -April 18th: - -Yesterday was quite a day and night. I mean Major Falcon came to take -Dorothy and I to see all the sights in London. So I thought it would be -delightful if we had another gentleman and I made Major Falcon call up -Sir Francis Beekman. I mean I had a cable from Mr. Eisman which told me -he could not send me 10,000 dollars but he would send me 1000 dollars -which really would not be a drop in the bucket for the diamond tiara. -So Sir Francis Beekman said that he could not come but I teased him and -teased him over the telephone so he finally said he would come. - -So Major Falcon drives his own car so Dorothy sat with him and I sat -with Sir Francis Beekman but I told him that I was not going to call -him Sir Francis Beekman but I was really going to call him Piggie. - -In London they make a very, very great fuss over nothing at all. I mean -London is really nothing at all. For instants, they make a great fuss -over a tower that really is not even as tall as the Hickox building in -Little Rock Arkansas and it would only make a chimney on one of our -towers in New York. So Sir Francis Beekman wanted us to get out and -look at the tower because he said that quite a famous Queen had her -head cut off there one morning and Dorothy said “What a fool she was to -get up that morning” and that is really the only sensible thing that -Dorothy has said in London. So we did not bother to get out. - -So we did not go to any more sights because they really have delicious -champagne cocktails at a very very smart new restaurant called the Cafe -de Paris that you could not get in New York for neither love or money -and I told Piggie that when you are travelling you really ought to take -advantadges of what you can not do at home. - -So while Dorothy and I were in the Cafe de Paris powdering our nose in -the lady’s dressing room we met an American girl who Dorothy knew in -the Follies, but now she is living in London. So she told us all about -London. So it seems the gentlemen in London have quite a quaint custom -of not giving a girl many presents. I mean the English girls really -seem to be satisfied with a gold cigaret holder or else what they call -a ‘bangle’ which means a bracelet in English which is only gold and -does not have any stones in it which American girls would really give -to their maid. So she said you could tell what English gentlemen were -like when you realize that not even English ladys could get anything -out of them. So she said Sir Francis Beekman was really famous all over -London for not spending so much money as most English gentlemen. So -then Dorothy and I said goodbye to Dorothy’s girl friend and Dorothy -said, “Lets tell our two boy friends that we have a headache and go -back to the Ritz, where men are Americans.” Because Dorothy said that -the society of a gentleman like Sir Francis Beekman was to great a -price to pay for a couple of rounds of champagne cocktails. But I told -Dorothy that I always believe that there is nothing like trying and I -think it would be nice for an American girl like I to educate an -English gentleman like Piggie, as I call Sir Francis Beekman. - -So then we went back to the table and I almost have to admit that -Dorothy is in the right about Piggie because he really likes to talk -quite a lot and he is always talking about a friend of his who was -quite a famous King in London called King Edward. So Piggie said he -would never never forget the jokes King Edward was always saying and he -would never forget one time they were all on a yacht and they were all -sitting at a table and King Edward got up and said “I don’t care what -you gentlemen do—I’m going to smoke a cigar.” So then Piggie laughed -very, very loud. So of course I laughed very, very loud and I told -Piggie he was wonderful the way he could tell jokes. I mean you can -always tell when to laugh because Piggie always laughs first. - -So in the afternoon a lot of lady friends of Mrs. Weeks heard about me -buying the diamond tiara and called us up and asked us to their house -to tea so Dorothy and I went and we took a gentleman Dorothy met in the -lobby who is very, very good looking but he is only an English ballroom -dancer in a cafe when he has a job. - -So we went to tea to a lady’s house called Lady Elmsworth and what she -has to sell we Americans seems to be a picture of her father painted in -oil paint who she said was a whistler. But I told her my own father was -a whistler and used to whistle all of the time and I did not even have -a picture of him but every time he used to go to Little Rock I asked -him to go to the photographers but he did not go. - -So then we met a lady called Lady Chizzleby that wanted us to go to her -house to tea but we told her that we really did not want to buy -anything. But she said that she did not have anything to sell but she -wanted to borrow five pounds. So we did not go and I am really glad -that Mr. Eisman did not come to London as all the English ladys would -ask him to tea and he would have a whole ship load of shell flowers and -dogs and anteek pictures that do nobody any good. - -So last night Piggie and I and Dorothy and the dancer who is called -Gerald went to the Kit Kat Club as Gerald had nothing better to do -because he is out of a job. So Dorothy and I had quite a little quarrel -because I told Dorothy that she was wasting quite a lot of time going -with any gentleman who is out of a job but Dorothy is always getting to -really like somebody and she will never learn how to act. I mean I -always seem to think that when a girl really enjoys being with a -gentleman, it puts her to quite a disadvantage and no real good can -come of it. - -Well tonight is going to be quite a night because Major Falcon is going -to take Dorothy and I to a dance at a lady’s house tonight to meet the -Prince of Wales. And now I must get ready to see Piggie because he and -I seem to be getting to be quite good friends even if he has not sent -me any flowers yet. - - - -April 19th: - -Last night we really met the Prince of Wales. I mean Major Falcon -called for Dorothy and I at eleven and took us to a ladys house where -the lady was having a party. The Prince of Wales is really wonderful. I -mean even if he was not a prince he would be wonderful, because even if -he was not a prince, he would be able to make his living playing the -ukelele, if he had a little more practice. So the lady came up to me -and told me that the Prince of Wales would like to meet me, so she gave -us an introduction to one another and I was very very thrilled when he -asked me for a dance. So I decided I would write down every word he -said to me in my diary so I could always go back and read it over and -over when I am really old. So then we started to dance and I asked him -if he was still able to be fond of horses, and he said he was. So after -our dance was all over he asked Dorothy for a dance but Dorothy will -never learn how to act in front of a prince. Because she handed me her -fan and she said “Hold this while I slip a new page into English -histry,” right in front of the Prince of Wales. So I was very very -worried while Dorothy was dancing with the Prince of Wales because she -talked to the Prince of Wales all the time and when she got through the -Prince of Wales wrote some of the slang words she is always saying on -his cuff, so if he tells the Queen some day to be ‘a good Elk’ or some -other slang word Dorothy is always saying, the Queen will really blame -me for bringing such a girl into English society. So when Dorothy came -back we had quite a little quarrel because Dorothy said that since I -met the Prince of Wales I was becoming too English. But really, I mean -to say, I often remember papa back in Arkansas and he often used to say -that his grandpa came from a place in England called Australia, so -really, I mean to say, it is no wonder that the English seems to come -out of me sometimes. Because if a girl seems to have an English accent -I really think it is quite jolly. - - - -April 20th: - -Yesterday afternoon I really thought I ought to begin to educate Piggie -how to act with a girl like American gentlemen act with a girl. So I -asked him to come up to have tea in our sitting room in the hotel -because I had quite a headache. I mean I really look quite cute in my -pink negligay. So I sent out a bell hop friend of Dorothy and I who is -quite a nice boy who is called Harry and who we talk to quite a lot. So -I gave Harry ten pounds of English money and I told him to go to the -most expensive florist and to buy some very very expensive orchids for -10 pounds and to bring them to our sitting room at fifteen minutes past -five and not to say a word but to say they were for me. So Piggie came -to tea and we were having tea when Harry came in and he did not say a -word but he gave me a quite large box and he said it was for me. So I -opened the box and sure enough they were a dozen very very beautiful -orchids. So I looked for a card, but of course there was no card so I -grabbed Piggie and I said I would have to give him quite a large hug -because it must have been him. But he said it was not him. But I said -it must be him because I said that there was only one gentleman in -London who was so sweet and generous and had such a large heart to send -a girl one dozen orchids like him. So he still said it was not him. But -I said I knew it was him, because there was not a gentleman in London -so really marvelous and so wonderful and such a marvelous gentleman to -send a girl one dozen orchids every day as him. So I really had to -apologize for giving him such a large hug but I told him I was so full -of impulses that when I knew he was going to send me one dozen orchids -every day I became so impulsive I could not help it! - -So then Dorothy and Gerald came in and I told them all about what a -wonderful gentleman Piggie turned out to be and I told them when a -gentleman sent a girl one dozen orchids every day he really reminded me -of a prince. So Piggie blushed quite a lot and he was really very very -pleased and he did not say any more that it was not him. So then I -started to make a fuss over him and I told him he would have to look -out because he was really so good looking and I was so full of impulses -that I might even lose my mind some time and give him a kiss. So Piggie -really felt very very good to be such a good looking gentleman. So he -could not help blushing all the time and he could not help grinning all -the time from one ear to another. So he asked us all to dinner and then -he and Gerald went to change their clothes for dinner. So Dorothy and I -had quite a little quarrel after they went because Dorothy asked me -which one of the Jesse James brothers was my father. But I told her I -was not so unrefined that I would waste my time with any gentleman who -was only a ballroom dancer when he had a job. So Dorothy said Gerald -was a gentleman because he wrote her a note and it had a crest. So I -told her to try and eat it. So then we had to get dressed. - -So this morning Harry, the boy friend of ours who is the bell hop, -waked me up at ten o’clock because he had a box of one dozen orchids -from Piggie. So by the time Piggie pays for a few dozen orchids, the -diamond tiara will really seem like quite a bargain. Because I always -think that spending money is only just a habit and if you get a -gentleman started on buying one dozen orchids at a time he really gets -very good habits. - - - -April 21st: - -Well, yesterday afternoon I took Piggie shopping on a street called -Bond Street. So I took him to a jewelery store because I told him I had -to have a silver picture frame because I had to have a picture of him -to go in it. Because I told Piggie that when a girl gets to know such a -good looking gentleman as him she really wants to have a picture of him -on her dressing table where she can look at it a lot. So Piggie became -quite intreeged. So we looked at all the silver picture frames. But -then I told him that I really did not think a silver picture frame was -good enough for a picture of him because I forgot that they had gold -picture frames until I saw them. So then we started to look at the gold -picture frames. So then it came out that his picture was taken in his -unaform. So I said he must be so good looking in his unaform that I -really did not think even the gold picture frames were good enough but -they did not have any platinum picture frames so we had to buy the best -one we could. - -So then I asked him if he could put on his unaform tomorrow because I -would love to see him in his unaform and we could go to tea at Mrs. -Weeks. So he really became very pleased because he grinned quite a lot -and he said that he would. So then I said that poor little I would -really look like nothing at all to be going out with him in his -georgous unaform. So then we started to look at some bracelets but a -lady friend of his who is quite friendly with his wife, who is in their -country house in the country, came in to the store, so Piggie became -quite nervous to be caught in a jewelery store where he has not been -for years and years, so we had to go out. - -This morning Gerald called up Dorothy and he said that day after -tomorrow they are having a theatrical garden party to sell things to -people for charity so he asked if Dorothy and I would be one of the -ones who sells things to people for charity. So we said we would. - -So now I must telephone Mrs. Weeks and say I will bring Sir Francis -Beekman to tea tomorrow and I hope it all comes out all right. But I -really wish Piggie would not tell so many storys. I mean I do not mind -a gentleman when he tells a great many storys if they are new, but a -gentleman who tells a great many storys and they are all the same -storys is quite enervating. I mean London is really so uneducational -that all I seem to be learning is some of Piggies storys and I even -want to forget them. So I am really becoming jolly well fed up with -London. - - - -April 22nd: - -Yesterday Piggie came in his unaform but he was really quite upset -because he had a letter. I mean his wife is coming to London because -she always comes to London every year to get her old clothes made over -as she has a girl who does it very very cheap. So she is going to stay -with the lady who saw us in the jewelery store, because it always saves -money to stay with a friend. So I wanted to cheer Piggie up so I told -him that I did not think the lady saw us and if she did see us, she -really could not believe her eyes to see him in a jewelery store. But I -did not tell him that I think that Dorothy and I had better go to Paris -soon. Because, after all, Piggie’s society is beginning to tell on a -girls nerves. But I really made Piggie feel quite good about his -unaform because I told him I only felt fit to be with him in a diamond -tiara. So then I told him that, even if his wife was in London, we -could still be friends, because I could not help but admire him even if -his wife was in London and I told him I really thought a thing like -that was nearly always the result of fate. So then we went to tea at -Mrs. Weeks. So Piggie arranged with Mrs. Weeks to pay her for the -diamond tiara and she nearly fell dead but she will keep it a secret -because no one would believe it anyway. So now I have the diamond tiara -and I have to admit that everything always turns out for the best. But -I promised Piggie that I would always stay in London and we would -always be friendly. Because Piggie always says that I am the only one -who admires him for what he really is. - - - -April 25th: - -Well, we were so busy the last days I did not have time to write in my -diary because now we are on a ship that seems to be quite a small ship -to be sailing to Paris and we will be at Paris this afternoon. Because -it does not take nearly so long to come to Paris as it does to come to -London. I mean it seems quite unusual to think that it takes 6 days to -come to London and only one day to come to Paris. - -So Dorothy is quite upset because she did not want to come as she is -madly in love with Gerald and Gerald said that we really ought not to -leave London without going to see England while we happened to be here. -But I told him that if England was the same kind of a place that London -seems to be, I really know to much to bother with such a place. I mean -we had quite a little quarrel because Gerald showed up at the station -with a bangle for Dorothy so I told Dorothy she was well rid of such a -person. So Dorothy had to come with me because Mr. Eisman is paying her -expenses because he wants Dorothy to be my chaperone. - -So the last thing in London was the garden party. I sold quite a lot of -red baloons and I sold a red baloon to Harry Lauder the famous Scotch -gentleman who is the famous Scotch tenor for 20 pounds. So Dorothy said -I did not need to buy any ticket to Paris on the boat because if I -could do that, I could walk across the channel. - -So Piggy does not know that we have gone but I sent him a letter and -told him I would see him some time again some time. And I was really -glad to get out of our rooms at the Ritz—I mean 50 or 60 orchids really -make a girl think of a funeral. So I cabled Mr. Eisman and I told him -we could not learn anything in London because we knew to much, so if we -went to Paris at least we could learn French, if we made up our mind to -it. - -So I am really very very intreeged as I have heard so much about Paris -and I feel that it must be much more educational than London and I can -hardly wait to see the Ritz hotel in Paris. - - - - - - - - -CHAPTER FOUR - -PARIS IS DEVINE - - -April 27th: - -Paris is devine. I mean Dorothy and I got to Paris yesterday, and it -really is devine. Because the French are devine. Because when we were -coming off the boat, and we were coming through the customs, it was -quite hot and it seemed to smell quite a lot and all the French -gentlemen in the customs, were squealing quite a lot. So I looked -around and I picked out a French gentleman who was really in a very -gorgeous uniform and he seemed to be a very, very important gentleman -and I gave him twenty francs worth of French money and he was very very -gallant and he knocked everybody else down and took our bags right -through the custom. Because I really think that twenty Francs is quite -cheap for a gentleman that has got on at least $100 worth of gold braid -on his coat alone, to speak nothing of his trousers. - -I mean the French gentlemen always seem to be squealing quite a lot, -especially taxi drivers when they only get a small size yellow dime -called a ‘fifty santeems’ for a tip. But the good thing about French -gentlemen is that every time a French gentleman starts in to squeal, -you can always stop him with five francs, no matter who he is. I mean -it is so refreshing to listen to a French gentleman stop squeaking, -that it would really be quite a bargain even for ten francs. - -So we came to the Ritz Hotel and the Ritz Hotel is devine. Because when -a girl can sit in a delightful bar and have delicious champagne -cocktails and look at all the important French people in Paris, I think -it is devine. I mean when a girl can sit there and look at the Dolly -sisters and Pearl White and Maybelle Gilman Corey, and Mrs. Nash, it is -beyond worlds. Because when a girl looks at Mrs. Nash and realizes what -Mrs. Nash has got out of gentlemen, it really makes a girl hold her -breath. - -And when a girl walks around and reads all of the signs with all of the -famous historical names it really makes you hold your breath. Because -when Dorothy and I went on a walk, we only walked a few blocks but in -only a few blocks we read all of the famous historical names, like Coty -and Cartier and I knew we were seeing something educational at last and -our whole trip was not a failure. I mean I really try to make Dorothy -get educated and have reverance. So when we stood at the corner of a -place called the Place Vandome, if you turn your back on a monument -they have in the middle and look up, you can see none other than Coty’s -sign. So I said to Dorothy, does it not really give you a thrill to -realize that that is the historical spot where Mr. Coty makes all the -perfume? So then Dorothy said that she supposed Mr. Coty came to Paris -and he smelled Paris and he realized that something had to be done. So -Dorothy will really never have any reverance. - -So then we saw a jewelry store and we saw some jewelry in the window -and it really seemed to be a very very great bargain but the price -marks all had francs on them and Dorothy and I do not seem to be -mathematical enough to tell how much francs is in money. So we went in -and asked and it seems it was only 20 dollars and it seems it is not -diamonds but it is a thing called “paste” which is the name of a word -which means imitations. So Dorothy said “paste” is the name of the word -a girl ought to do to a gentleman that handed her one. I mean I would -really be embarrassed, but the gentleman did not seem to understand -Dorothy’s english. - -So it really makes a girl feel depressed to think a girl could not tell -that it was nothing but an imitation. I mean a gentleman could deceeve -a girl because he could give her a present and it would only be worth -20 dollars. So when Mr. Eisman comes to Paris next week, if he wants to -make me a present I will make him take me along with him because he is -really quite an inveteran bargain hunter at heart. So the gentleman at -the jewelry store said that quite a lot of famous girls in Paris had -imitations of all their jewelry and they put the jewelry in the safe -and they really wore the imitations, so they could wear it and have a -good time. But I told him I thought that any girl who was a lady would -not even think of having such a good time that she did not remember to -hang on to her jewelry. - -So then we went back to the Ritz and unpacked our trunks with the aid -of really a delightful waiter who brought us up some delicious luncheon -and who is called Leon and who speaks english almost like an American -and who Dorothy and I talk to quite a lot. So Leon said that we ought -not to stay around the Ritz all of the time, but we really ought to see -Paris. So Dorothy said she would go down in the lobby and meet some -gentleman to show us Paris. So in a couple of minutes she called up on -the telephone from the lobby and she said “I have got a French bird -down here who is a French title nobleman, who is called a veecount so -come on down.” So I said “How did a Frenchman get into the Ritz.” So -Dorothy said “He came in to get out of the rain and he has not noticed -that it is stopped.” So I said “I suppose you have picked up something -without taxi fare as usual. Why did you not get an American gentleman -who always have money?” So Dorothy said she thought a French gentleman -had ought to know Paris better. So I said “He does not even know it is -not raining.” But I went down. - -So the veecount was really delightful after all. So then we rode around -and we saw Paris and we saw how devine it really is. I mean the Eyefull -Tower is devine and it is much more educational than the London Tower, -because you can not even see the London Tower if you happen to be two -blocks away. But when a girl looks at the Eyefull Tower she really -knows she is looking at something. And it would even be very difficult -not to notice the Eyefull Tower. - -So then we went to a place called the Madrid to tea and it really was -devine. I mean we saw the Dolley Sisters and Pearl White and Mrs. Corey -and Mrs. Nash all over again. - -So then we went to dinner and then we went to Momart and it really was -devine because we saw them all over again. I mean in Momart they have -genuine American jazz bands and quite a lot of New York people which we -knew and you really would think you were in New York and it was devine. -So we came back to the Ritz quite late. So Dorothy and I had quite a -little quarrel because Dorothy said that when we were looking at Paris -I asked the French veecount what was the name of the unknown soldier -who is buried under quite a large monument. So I said I really did not -mean to ask him, if I did, because what I did mean to ask him was, what -was the name of his mother because it is always the mother of a dead -soldier that I always seem to think about more than the dead soldier -that has died. - -So the French veecount is going to call up in the morning but I am not -going to see him again. Because French gentlemen are really quite -deceeving. I mean they take you to quite cute places and they make you -feel quite good about yourself and you really seem to have a delightful -time but when you get home and come to think it all over, all you have -got is a fan that only cost 20 francs and a doll that they gave you -away for nothing in a restaurant. I mean a girl has to look out in -Paris, or she would have such a good time in Paris that she would not -get anywheres. So I really think that American gentlemen are the best -after all, because kissing your hand may make you feel very very good -but a diamond and safire bracelet lasts forever. Besides, I do not -think that I ought to go out with any gentlemen in Paris because Mr. -Eisman will be here next week and he told me that the only kind of -gentlemen he wants me to go out with are intelectual gentlemen who are -good for a girls brains. So I really do not seem to see many gentlemen -around the Ritz who seem to look like they would be good for a girl’s -brains. So tomorrow we are going to go shopping and I suppose it would -really be to much to expect to find a gentleman who would look to Mr. -Eisman like he was good for a girls brains and at the same time he -would like to take us shopping. - - - -April 29th: - -Yesterday was quite a day. I mean Dorothy and I were getting ready to -go shopping and the telephone rang and they said that Lady Francis -Beekman was down stairs and she wanted to come up stairs. So I really -was quite surprised. I mean I did not know what to say, so I said all -right. So then I told Dorothy and then we put our brains together. -Because it seems that Lady Francis Beekman is the wife of the gentleman -called Sir Francis Beekman who was the admirer of mine in London who -seemed to admire me so much that he asked me if he could make me a -present of a diamond tiara. So it seemed as if his wife must have heard -about it, and it really seemed as if she must have come clear over from -London about it. So there was a very very loud knock at the door so we -asked her to come in. So Lady Francis Beekman came in and she is a -quite large size lady who seems to resemble Bill Hart quite a lot. I -mean Dorothy thinks that Lady Francis Beeckman resembles Bill Hart -quite a lot, only she really thinks she looks more like Bill Hart’s -horse. So it seems that she said that if I did not give her back the -diamond tiara right away, she would make quite a fuss and she would -ruin my reputation. Because she said that something really must be -wrong about the whole thing. Because it seems that Sir Francis Beekman -and she have been married for 35 years and the last present he gave to -her was a wedding ring. So Dorothy spoke up and she said “Lady you -could no more ruin my girl friends reputation than you could sink the -Jewish fleet.” I mean I was quite proud of Dorothy the way she stood up -for my reputation. Because I really think that there is nothing so -wonderful as two girls when they stand up for each other and help each -other a lot. Because no matter how vigarous Lady Francis Beekman seems -to be, she had to realize that she could not sink a whole fleet full of -ships. So she had to stop talking against my reputation. - -So then she said she would drag it into the court and she would say -that it was undue influence. So I said to her, “If you wear that hat -into a court, we will see if the judge thinks it took an undue -influence to make Sir Francis Beekman look at a girl.” So then Dorothy -spoke up and Dorothy said “My girl friend is right, Lady. You have got -to be the Queen of England to get away with a hat like that.” So Lady -Francis Beekman seemed to get quite angry. So then she said she would -send for Sir Francis Beekman where he suddenly went to Scotland, to go -hunting when he found out that Lady Francis Beekman had found out. So -Dorothy said “Do you mean that you have left Sir Francis Beekman loose -with all those spendthrifts down in Scotland?” So Dorothy said she -would better look out or he would get together with the boys some night -and simply massacre a haypenny. I mean I always encouradge Dorothy to -talk quite a lot when we are talking to unrefined people like Lady -Francis Beekman, because Dorothy speaks their own languadge to -unrefined people better than a refined girl like I. So Dorothy said, -“You had better not send for Sir Francis Beekman because if my girl -friend really wanted to turn loose on Sir Francis Beekman, all he would -have left would be his title.” So then I spoke right up and said Yes -that I was an American girl and we American girls do not care about a -title because we American girls always say that what is good enough for -Washington is good enough for us. So Lady Francis Beekman really seemed -to get more angry and more angry all of the time. - -So then she said that if it was necessary, she would tell the judge -that Sir Francis Beekman went out of his mind when he gave it to me. So -Dorothy said “Lady, if you go into a court and if the judge gets a good -look at you, he will think that Sir Francis Beekman was out of his mind -35 years ago.” So then Lady Francis Beekman said she knew what kind of -a person she had to deal with and she would not deal with any such a -person because she said it hurt her dignity. So Dorothy said “Lady, if -we hurt your dignity like you hurt our eyesight I hope for your sake, -you are a Christian science.” So that seemed to make Lady Francis -Beekman angry. So she said she would turn it all over to her soliciter. -So when she went out she tripped over quite a long train which she had -on her skirt and she nearly fell down. So Dorothy leaned out of the -door and Dorothy called down the hall and said, “Take a tuck in that -skirt Isabel, its 1925.” So I really felt quite depressed because I -felt as if our whole morning was really very unrefined just because we -had to mix with such an unrefined lady as Lady Francis Beekman. - - - -April 30th: - -So sure enough yesterday morning Lady Francis Beekman’s solicitor came. -Only he really was not a solicitor, but his name was on a card and it -seems his name is Mons. Broussard and it seems that he is an advocat -because an advocat is a lawyer in the French landguage. So Dorothy and -I were getting dressed and we were in our negligay as usual when there -was quite a loud knock on the door and before we could even say come in -he jumped right into the room. So it seems that he is of French -extraction. I mean Lady Francis Beekman’s solicitor can really squeal -just like a taxi driver. I mean he was squealing quite loud when he -jumped into the room and he kept right on squealing. So Dorothy and I -rushed into the parlor and Dorothy looked at him and Dorothy said, -“This town has got to stop playing jokes on us every morning” because -our nerves could not stand it. So Mons. Broussard handed us his card -and he squealed and squealed and he really waved his arms in the air -quite a lot. So Dorothy said He gives quite a good imitation of the -Moulan Rouge, which is really a red wind mill, only Dorothy said he -makes more noise and he runs on his own wind. So we stood and watched -him for quite a long while, but he seemed to get quite monotonous after -quite a long while because he was always talking in French, which -really means nothing to us. So Dorothy said “Lets see if 25 francs will -stop him, because if 5 francs will stop a taxi driver, 25 francs ought -to stop an advocat.” Because he was making about 5 times as much noise -as a taxi driver and 5 times 5 is 25. So as soon as he heard us start -in to talk about francs he seemed to calm down quite a little. So -Dorothy got her pocket book and she gave him 25 francs. So then he -stopped squealing and he put it in his pocket, but then he got out -quite a large size handkerchief with purple elefants on it and he -started in to cry. So Dorothy really got discouraged and she said, -“Look here, you have given us a quite an amusing morning but if you -keep that up much longer, wet or dry, out you go.” - -So then he started in to pointing at the telephone and he seemed to -want to use the telephone and Dorothy said, “If you think you can get a -number over that thing, go to it, but as far as we have found out, it -is a wall bracket.” So then he started in to telephone so Dorothy and I -went about our business to get dressed. So when he finished telephoning -he kept running to my door and then he kept running to Dorothy’s door, -and he kept on crying and talking a lot, but he seemed to have lost all -of his novelty to us so we paid no more attention to him. - -So finally there was another loud knock on the door so we heard him -rush to the door so we both went in to the parlor to see what it was -and it really was a sight. Because it was another Frenchman. So the new -Frenchman rushed in and he yelled Papa and he kissed him. So it seems -that it was his son because his son is really his papa’s partner in the -advocat business. So then his papa talked quite a lot and then he -pointed at I and Dorothy. So then his son looked at us and then his son -let out quite a large size squeal, and he said in French “May papa, -elles sont sharmant.” So it seems he was telling his papa in French -that we were really charming. So then Mons. Broussard stopped crying -and put on his glasses and took a good look at us. So then his son put -up the window shade, so his papa could get a better look at us. So when -his papa had finished looking at us he really became delighted. So he -became all smiles and he pinched our cheeks and he kept on saying -Sharmant all of the time because Sharmant means charming in the French -languadge. So then his son broke right out into english and he really -speaks english as good as an American. So then he told us his papa -telephoned for him to come over because we did not seem to understand -what his papa was saying to us. So it seems that Mons. Broussard had -been talking to us in english all of the time but we did not seem to -understand his kind of english. So Dorothy said, “If what your papa was -talking in was english, I could get a gold medal for my greek.” So then -his son told his papa and his papa laughed very very loud and he -pinched Dorothys cheek and he was very delighted even if the joke was -on him. So then Dorothy and I asked his son what he was saying, when he -was talking to us in english and his son said he was telling us all -about his client, Lady Francis Beekman. So then we asked his son why -his papa kept crying. So then his son said his papa kept crying because -he was thinking about Lady Francis Beekman. So Dorothy said, “If he -cries when he thinks about her, what does he do when he looks at her?” -So then his son explained to his papa what Dorothy said. So then Mons. -Broussard laughed very very loud, so then he kissed Dorothy’s hand, so -he said, after that, we would all really have to have a bottle of -champagne. So he went to the telephone and ordered a bottle of -champagne. - -So then his son said to his papa, “Why do we not ask the charming -ladies to go out to Fountainblo to-day.” So his papa said it would be -charming. So then I said, “How are we going to tell you gentlemen -apart, because if it is the same in Paris as it is in America, you -would both seem to be Monshure Broussard.” So then we got the idea to -call them by their first name. So it seems that his son’s name is Louie -so Dorothy spoke up and said, “I hear that they number all of you -Louies over here in Paris.” Because a girl is always hearing some one -talk about Louie the sixteenth who seemed to be in the anteek furniture -business. I mean I was surprised to hear Dorothy get so historical so -she may really be getting educated in spite of everything. But Dorothy -told Louie he need not try to figure out his number because she got it -the minute she looked at him. So it seems his papa’s name is Robber, -which means Robert in French. So Dorothy started in to think about her -25 francs and she said to Robber, “Your mother certainly knew her -grammer when she called you that.” - -So Dorothy said we might as well go out to Fountainblo with Louie and -Robber if Louie would take off his yellow spats that were made out of -yellow shammy skin with pink pearl buttons. Because Dorothy said, “Fun -is fun but no girl wants to laugh all of the time.” So Louie is really -always anxious to please, so he took off his spats but when he took off -his spats, we saw his socks and when we saw his socks we saw that they -were Scotch plaid with small size rainbows running through them. So -Dorothy looked at them a little while and she really became quite -discouraged and she said, “Well Louie, I think you had better put your -spats back on.” - -So then Leon, our friend who is the waiter, came in with the bottle of -champagne. So while he was opening the bottle of champagne Louie and -Robber talked together in French quite a lot and I really think I had -ought to find out what they said in French because it might be about -the diamond tiara. Because French gentlemen are very very gallant, but -I really do not think a girl can trust one of them around a corner. So, -when I get a chance, I am going to ask Leon what they said. - -So then we went to Fountainblo and then we went to Momart and we got -home very late, and we really had quite a delightful day and night, -even if we did not go out shopping and buy anything. But I really think -we ought to do more shopping because shopping really seems to be what -Paris is principaly for. - - - -May 1st: - -Well this morning I sent for Leon, who is Dorothy and my waiter friend, -and I asked him what Louie and Robber said in French. So it seems that -they said in French that we seemed to attract them very very much -because they really thought that we were very very charming, and they -had not met girls that were so charming in quite a long time. So it -seems that they said that they would ask us out a lot and that they -would charge up all the bills to Lady Francis Beekman because they -would watch for their chance and they would steal the diamond tiara. So -then they said that even if they could not steal it from us, we were -really so charming that it would be delightful to go around with us, -even if they could not steal from us. So no matter what happens they -really could not lose. Because it seems that Lady Francis Beekman would -be glad to pay all the bills when they told her they had to take us out -a lot so they could watch for their chance and steal it. Because Lady -Francis Beekman is the kind of a wealthy lady that does not spend money -on anything else but she will always spend money on a law suit. And she -really would not mind spending the money because it seems that -something either I or Dorothy said to Lady Francis Beekman seemed to -make her angry. - -So then I decided it was time to do some thinking and I really thought -quite a lot. So I told Dorothy I thought I would put the real diamond -tiara in the safe at the Ritz and then I would buy an imitation of a -diamond tiara at the jewelry store that has the imitations that are -called paste. So then I would leave the imitation of the diamond tiara -lying around, so Louie and Robber could see how careless I seem to be -with it so then they would get full of encouradgement. So when we go -out with Louie and Robber I could put it in my hand bag and I could -take it with me so Louie and Robber could always feel that the diamond -tiara was within reach. So then Dorothy and I could get them to go -shopping and we could get them to spend quite a lot and every time they -seemed to get discouradged, I could open my hand bag, and let them get -a glimpse of the imitation of a diamond tiara and they would become -more encouradged and then they would spend some more money. Because I -even might let them steal it at the last, because they were really -charming gentlemen after all and I really would like to help Louie and -Robber. I mean it would be quite amusing for them to steal it for Lady -Francis Beekman and she would have to pay them quite a lot and then she -would find out it was only made out of paste after all. Because Lady -Francis Beekman has never seen the real diamond tiara and the imitation -of a diamond tiara would really deceive her, at least until Louie and -Robber got all of their money for all of the hard work they did. I mean -the imitation of a diamond tiara would only cost about 65 dollars and -what is 65 dollars if Dorothy and I could do some delightful shopping -and get some delightful presents that would even seem more delightful -when we stopped to realize that Lady Francis Beekman paid for them. And -it would teach Lady Francis Beekman a lesson not to say what she said -to two American girls like I and Dorothy, who were all alone in Paris -and had no gentleman to protect them. - -So when I got through telling Dorothy what I thought up, Dorothy looked -at me and looked at me and she really said she thought my brains were a -miracle. I mean she said my brains reminded her of a radio because you -listen to it for days and days and you get discouradged and just when -you are getting ready to smash it, something comes out that is a -masterpiece. - -So then Louie called us up so Dorothy told him that we thought it would -be delightful if he and Robber would take us out shopping tomorrow -morning. So then Louie asked his papa and his papa said they would. So -then they asked us if we would like to go to see a play called The -Foley Bergere tonight. So he said that all of the French people who -live in Paris are always delighted to have some Americans, so it will -give them an excuse to go to the Foley Bergere. So we said we would go. -So now Dorothy and I are going out shopping to buy the imitation of a -diamond tiara and we are going out window shopping to pick out where we -would like Louie and Robber to take us shopping tomorrow. - -So I really think that everything always works out for the best. -Because after all, we really need some gentlemen to take us around -until Mr. Eisman gets to Paris and we could not go around with any -really attractive gentlemen because Mr. Eisman only wants me to go out -with gentlemen that have brains. So I said to Dorothy that, even if -Louie and Robber do not look so full of brains, we could tell Mr. -Eisman that all we were learning from them was French. So even if I -have not seemed to learn French yet, I have really almost learned to -understand Robbers english so when Robber talks in front of Mr. Eisman -and I seem to understand what he is saying, Mr. Eisman will probably -think I know French. - - - -May 2nd: - -So last night we went to the Foley Bergere and it really was devine. I -mean it was very very artistic because it had girls in it that were in -the nude. So one of the girls was a friend of Louie and he said that -she was a very very nice girl, and that she was only 18 years of age. -So Dorothy said, “She is slipping it over on you Louie, because how -could a girl get such dirty knees in only 18 years?” So Louie and -Robber really laughed very very loud. I mean Dorothy was very unrefined -at the Foley Bergere. But I always think that when girls are in the -nude it is very artistic and if you have artistic thoughts you think it -is beautiful and I really would not laugh in an artistic place like the -Foley Bergere. - -So I wore the imitation of a diamond tiara to the Foley Bergere. I mean -it really would deceeve an expert and Louie and Robber could hardly -take their eyes off of it. But they did not really annoy me because I -had it tied on very very tight. I mean it would be fatal if they got -the diamond tiara before Dorothy and I took them shopping a lot. - -So we are all ready to go shopping this morning and Robber was here -bright and early and he is in the parlor with Dorothy and we are -waiting for Louie. So I left the daimond tiara on the table in the -parlor so Robber could see how careless I really am with everything but -Dorothy is keeping her eye on Robber. So I just heard Louie come in -because I heard him kissing Robber. I mean Louie is always kissing -Robber and Dorothy told Louie that if he did not stop kissing Robber, -people would think that he painted batiks. - -So now I must join the others and I will put the diamond tiara in my -hand bag so that Louie and Robber will feel that it is always around -and we will all go shopping. And I almost have to smile when I think of -Lady Francis Beekman. - - - -May 3rd: - -Yesterday was really delightful. I mean Louie and Robber bought Dorothy -and I some delightful presents. But then they began to run out of all -the franks they had with them, so they began to get discouradged but -just as soon as they began to get discouradged, I gave Robber my hand -bag to hold while I went to the fitting room to try on a blouse. So he -was cheered up quite a lot, but of course Dorothy stayed with them and -kept her eye on Robber so he did not get a chance. But it really -cheered him up quite a lot to even hold it. - -So after all their franks were gone, Robber said he would have to -telephone to some one, so I suppose he telephoned to Lady Francis -Beekman and she must have said All right because Robber left us at a -place called the Cafe de la Paix because he had to go on an errand and -when he came back from his errand he seemed to have quite a lot more -franks. So then they took us to luncheon so that after luncheon we -could go out shopping some more. - -But I am really learning quite a lot of French in spite of everything. -I mean if you want delicious chicken and peas for luncheon all you have -to say is “pettypas” and “pulle.” I mean French is really very easy, -for instance the French use the word “sheik” for everything, while we -only seem to use it for gentlemen when they seem to resemble Rudolf -Valentino. - -So while we were shopping in the afternoon I saw Louie get Dorothy off -in a corner and whisper to her quite a lot. So then I saw Robber get -her off in a corner and whisper to her quite a lot. So when we got back -to the Ritz, Dorothy told me why they whispered to her. So it seems -when Louie whispered to Dorothy, Louie told Dorothy that if she would -steal the diamond tiara from me and give it to him and not let his papa -know, he would give her 1000 franks. Because it seems that Lady Francis -Beekman has got her heart set on it and she will pay quite a lot for it -because she is quite angry and when she really gets as angry as she is, -she is only a woman with one idea. So if Louie could get it and his -papa would not find it out, he could keep all the money for himself. So -it seems that later on, when Robber was whispering to Dorothy, he was -making her the same proposition for 2000 franks so that Louie would not -find out and Robber could keep all the money for himself. So I really -think it would be delightful if Dorothy could make some money for -herself because it might make Dorothy get some ambishions. So tomorrow -morning Dorothy is going to take the diamond tiara and she is going to -tell Louie that she stole it and she is going to sell it to Louie. But -she will make him hand over the money first and then, just as she is -going to hand over the diamond tiara, I am going to walk in on them and -say, “Oh there is my diamond tiara. I have been looking for it -everywhere.” So then I will get it back. So then she will tell him that -she might just as well keep the 1000 franks because she will steal it -for him again in the afternoon. So in the afternoon she is going to -sell it to Robber and I really think we will let Robber keep it. -Because I am quite fond of Robber. I mean he is quite a sweet old -gentleman and it is really refreshing the way he and his son love one -another. Because even if it is unusual for an American to see a French -gentleman always kissing his father, I really think it is refreshing -and I think that we Americans would be better off if we American -fathers and sons would love one another more like Louie and Robber. - -So Dorothy and I have quite a lot of delightful hand bags and stockings -and handkerchiefs and scarfs and things and some quite cute models of -evening gowns that are all covered with imitations of diamonds, only -they do not call them “paste” when they are on a dress but they call -them “diamonteys” and I really think a girl looks quite cute when she -is covered all over with “diamonteys.” - - - -May 5th: - -So yesterday morning Dorothy sold the imitation of a diamond tiara to -Louie. So then we got it back. So in the afternoon we all went out to -Versigh. I mean Louie and Robber were quite delighted not to go -shopping any more so I suppose that Lady Francis Beekman really thinks -that there is a limit to almost everything. So I took Louie for a walk -at Versigh so that Dorothy would have a chance to sell it to Robber. So -then she sold it to Robber. So then he put it in his pocket. But when -we were coming home I got to thinking things over and I really got to -thinking that an imitation of a diamond tiara was quite a good thing to -have after all. I mean especially if a girl goes around a lot in Paris, -with admirers who are of the French extraction. And after all, I really -do not think a girl ought to encouradge Robber to steal something from -two American girls who are all alone in Paris and have no gentleman to -protect them. So I asked Dorothy which pocket Robber put it in, so I -sat next to him in the automobile coming home and I took it out. - -So we were in quite a quaint restaurant for dinner when Robber put his -hand in his pocket and then he started in to squeal once more. So it -seems he had lost something, so he and Louie had one of their regular -squealing and shoulder shrugging matches. But Louie told his papa that -he did not steal it out of his papa’s pocket. But then Robber started -in to cry to think that his son would steal something out of his own -papa’s pocket. So after Dorothy and I had had about all we could stand, -I told them all about it. I mean I really felt sorry for Robber so I -told him not to cry any more because it was nothing but paste after -all. So then I showed it to them. So then Louie and Robber looked at -Dorothy and I and they really held their breath. So I suppose that most -of the girls in Paris do not have such brains as we American girls. - -So after it was all over, Louie and Robber seemed to be so depressed -that I really felt sorry for them. So I got an idea. So I told them -that we would all go out tomorrow to the imitation of a jewelry store -and they could buy another imitation of a diamond tiara to give to Lady -Francis Beekman and they could get the man in the jewelry store to put -on the bill that it was a hand bag and they could charge the bill to -Lady Francis Beekman along with the other expenses. Because Lady -Francis Beekman had never seen the real diamond tiara anyway. So -Dorothy spoke up and Dorothy said that as far as Lady Francis Beekman -would know about diamonds, you could nick off a piece of ice and give -it to her, only it would melt. So then Robber looked at me and looked -at me, and he reached over and kissed me on the forehead in a way that -was really full of reverance. - -So then we had quite a delightful evening. I mean because we all seem -to understand one another because, after all, Dorothy and I could -really have a platonick friendship with gentlemen like Louie and -Robber. I mean there seems to be something common between us, -especially when we all get to thinking about Lady Francis Beekman. - -So they are going to charge Lady Francis Beekman quite a lot of money -when they give her the imitation of a diamond tiara and I told Robber -if she seems to complane, to ask her, if she knew that Sir Francis -Beekman sent me 10 pounds worth of orchids every day while we were in -London. So that would make her so angry that she would be glad to pay -almost anything to get the diamond tiara. - -So when Lady Francis Beekman pays them all the money, Louie and Robber -are going to give us a dinner in our honor at Ciros. So when Mr. Eisman -gets here on Saturday, Dorothy and I are going to make Mr. Eisman give -Louie and Robber a dinner in their honor at Ciros because of the way -they helped us when we were two American girls all alone in Paris and -could not even speak the French landguage. - -So Louie and Robber asked us to come to a party at their sister’s house -today but Dorothy says we had better not go because it is raining and -we both have brand new umbrellas that are quite cute and Dorothy says -she would not think of leaving a brand new umbrella in a French lady’s -hall and it is no fun to hang on to an umbrella all the time you are at -a party. So we had better be on the safe side and stay away. So we -called up Louie and told him we had a headache but we thanked him for -all of his hospitality. Because it is the way all the French people -like Louie and Robber are so hospitable to we Americans that really -makes Paris so devine. - - - - - - - - -CHAPTER FIVE - -THE CENTRAL OF EUROPE - - -May 16th: - -I really have not written in my diary for quite a long time, because -Mr. Eisman arrived in Paris and when Mr. Eisman is in Paris we really -do not seem to do practically anything else but the same thing. - -I mean we go shopping and we go to a show and we go to Momart and when -a girl is always going with Mr. Eisman nothing practically happens. And -I did not even bother to learn any more French because I always seem to -think it is better to leave French to those that can not do anything -else but talk French. So finally Mr. Eisman seemed to lose quite a lot -of interest in all of my shopping. So he heard about a button factory -that was for sale quite cheaply in Vienna and as Mr. Eisman is in the -button profession, he thought it would be a quite good thing to have a -button factory in Vienna so he went to Vienna and he said he did not -care if he did not ever see the rue de la Paix again. So he said if he -thought Vienna would be good for a girl’s brains, he would send for -Dorothy and I and we could meet him at Vienna and learn something. -Because Mr. Eisman really wants me to get educated more than anything -else, especially shopping. - -So now we have a telegram, and Mr. Eisman says in the telegram for -Dorothy and I to take an oriental express because we really ought to -see the central of Europe because we American girls have quite a lot to -learn in the central of Europe. So Dorothy says if Mr. Eisman wants us -to see the central of Europe she bets there is not a rue de la Paix in -the whole central of Europe. - -So Dorothy and I are going to take an oriental express tomorrow and I -really think it is quite unusual for two American girls like I and -Dorothy to take an oriental express all alone, because it seems that in -the Central of Europe they talk some other kinds of landguages which we -do not understand besides French. But I always think that there is -nearly always some gentleman who will protect two American girls like I -and Dorothy who are all alone and who are traveling in the Central of -Europe to get educated. - - - -May 17th: - -So now we are on an oriental express and everything seems to be quite -unusual. I mean Dorothy and I got up this morning and we looked out of -the window of our compartment and it was really quite unusual. Because -it was farms, and we saw quite a lot of girls who seemed to be putting -small size hay stacks onto large size hay stacks while their husbands -seemed to sit at a table under quite a shady tree and drink beer. Or -else their husbands seemed to sit on a fence and smoke their pipe and -watch them. So Dorothy and I looked at two girls who seemed to be -ploughing up all of the ground with only the aid of a cow and Dorothy -said, “I think we girls have gone one step to far away from New York, -because it begins to look to me as if the Central of Europe is no -country for we girls.” So we both became quite worried. I mean I became -quite depressed because if this is what Mr. Eisman thinks we American -girls ought to learn I really think it is quite depressing. So I do not -think we care to meet any gentlemen who have been born and raised in -the Central of Europe. I mean the more I travel and the more I seem to -see other gentlemen the more I seem to think of American gentlemen. - -So now I am going to get dressed and go to the dining car and look for -some American gentleman and hold a conversation, because I really feel -so depressed. I mean Dorothy keeps trying to depress me because she -keeps saying that I will probably end up in a farm in the Central of -Europe doing a sister act with a plough. Because Dorothy’s jokes are -really very unrefined and I think that I will feel much better if I go -to the dining car and have some luncheon. - - - -Well I went to the dining car and I met a gentleman who was quite a -delightful American gentleman, I mean it was quite a co-instance, -because we girls have always heard about Henry Spoffard and it was -really nobody else but the famous Henry Spoffard, who is the famous -Spoffard family, who is a very very fine old family who is very very -wealthy. I mean Mr. Spoffard is one of the most famous familys in New -York and he is not like most gentlemen who are wealthy, but he works -all of the time for the good of the others. I mean he is the gentleman -who always gets his picture in all of the newspapers because he is -always senshuring all of the plays that are not good for peoples -morals. And all of we girls remember the time when he was in the Ritz -for luncheon and he met a gentleman friend of his and the gentleman -friend had Peggy Hopkins Joyce to luncheon and he introduced Peggy -Hopkins Joyce to Mr. Spoffard and Mr. Spoffard turned on his heels and -walked away. Because Mr. Spoffard is a very very famous Prespyterian -and he is really much to Prespyterian to meet Peggy Hopkins Joyce. I -mean it is unusual to see a gentleman who is such a young gentleman as -Mr. Spoffard be so Prespyterian, because when most gentlemen are 35 -years of age their minds nearly always seem to be on something else. - -So when I saw no one else but the famous Mr. Spoffard I really became -quite thrilled. Because all of we girls have tried very hard to have an -introduction to Henry Spoffard and it was quite unusual to be shut up -on a train in the Central of Europe with him. So I thought it would be -quite unusual for a girl like I to have a friendship with a gentleman -like Mr. Spoffard, who really does not even look at a girl unless she -at least looks like a Prespyterian. And I mean our family in Little -Rock were really not so Prespyterians. - -So I thought I would sit at his table. So then I had to ask him about -all of the money because all of the money they use in the Central of -Europe has not even got so much sense to it as the kind of franks they -use in Paris. Because it seems to be called kronens and it seems to -take quite a lot of them because it takes 50,000 of them to even buy a -small size package of cigarettes and Dorothy says if the cigarettes had -tobacco in them, we couldn’t lift enough kronens over a counter to pay -for a package. So this morning Dorothy and I asked the porter to bring -us a bottle of champagne and we really did not know what to give him -for a tip. So Dorothy said for me to take one of the things called a -one million kronens and she would take one of them called a one million -kronens and I would give him mine first and if he gave me quite a dirty -look, she would give him hers. So after we paid for the bottle of -champagne I gave him my one million kronens and before we could do -anything else he started in to grabbing my hand and kissing my hand and -getting down on his knees. So we finally had to push him right out of -the compartment. So one million kronens seemed to be enough. So I told -Mr. Spoffard how we did not know what to give the porter when he -brought us our bottle of minral water. So then I asked him to tell me -all about all of the money because I told him I always seem to think -that a penny earned was a penny saved. So it really was quite unusual -because Mr. Spoffard said that that was his favorite motto. - - - -So then we got to talking quite a lot and I told him that I was -traveling to get educated and I told him I had a girl with me who I was -trying to reform because I thought if she would put her mind more on -getting educated, she would get more reformed. Because after all Mr. -Spoffard will have to meet Dorothy sooner or later and he might wonder -what a refined girl like I was doing with a girl like Dorothy. So Mr. -Spoffard really became quite intreeged. Because Mr. Spoffard loves to -reform people and he loves to senshure everything and he really came -over to Europe to look at all the things that Americans come over to -Europe to look at, when they really should not look at them but they -should look at all of the museums instead. Because if that is all we -Americans come to Europe to look at, we should stay home and look at -America first. So Mr. Spoffard spends all of his time looking at things -that spoil peoples morals. So Mr. Spoffard really must have very very -strong morals or else all the things that spoil other peoples morals -would spoil his morals. But they do not seem to spoil Mr. Spoffards -morals and I really think it is wonderful to have such strong morals. -So I told Mr. Spoffard that I thought that civilization is not what it -ought to be and we really ought to have something else to take its -place. - -So Mr. Spoffard said that he would come to call on Dorothy and I in our -compartment this afternoon and we would talk it all over, if his mother -does not seem to need him in her compartment. Because Mr. Spoffards -mother always travels with Mr. Spoffard and he never does anything -unless he tells his mother all about it, and asks his mother if he -ought to. So he told me that that is the reason he has never got -married, because his mother does not think that all of the flappers we -seem to have nowadays are what a young man ought to marry when a young -man is full of so many morals as Mr. Spoffard seems to be full of. So I -told Mr. Spoffard that I really felt just like his mother feels about -all of the flappers because I am an old fashioned girl. - -So then I got to worrying about Dorothy quite a lot because Dorothy is -really not so old-fashioned and she might say something in front of Mr. -Spoffard that might make Mr. Spoffard wonder what such an old-fashioned -girl as I was doing with such a girl as Dorothy. So I told him how I -was having quite a hard time reforming Dorothy and I would like to have -him meet Dorothy so he could tell me if he really thinks I am wasting -quite a lot of time trying to reform a girl like Dorothy. So then he -had to go to his mother. So I really hope that Dorothy will act more -reformed than she usually acts in front of Mr. Spoffard. - -Well Mr. Spoffard just left our compartment so he really came to pay a -call on us after all. So Mr. Spoffard told us all about his mother and -I was really very very intreeged because if Mr. Spoffard and I become -friendly he is the kind of a gentleman that always wants a girl to meet -his mother. I mean if a girl gets to know what kind of a mother a -gentlemans mother is like, she really knows more what kind of a -conversation to use on a gentleman’s mother when she meets her. Because -a girl like I is really always on the verge of meeting gentlemen’s -mothers. But such an unrefined girl as Dorothy is really not the kind -of a girl that ever meets gentlemens mothers. - - - -So Mr. Spoffard says his mother has to have him take care of her quite -a lot. Because Mr. Spoffards mothers brains have never really been so -strong. Because it seems his mother came from such a very fine old -family that even when she was quite a small size child she had to be -sent to a school that was a special school for people of very fine old -familys who had to have things very easy on their brain. So she still -has to have things very easy on her brain, so she has a girl who is -called her companion who goes with her everywhere who is called Miss -Chapman. Because Mr. Spoffard says that there is always something new -going on in the world which they did not get a chance to tell her about -at the school. So now Miss Chapman keeps telling her instead. Because -how would she know what to think about such a new thing as a radio, for -instance, if she did not have Miss Chapman to tell her what it was, for -instance. So Dorothy spoke up and Dorothy said, “What a responsibility -that girl has got on her shoulders. For instance, what if Miss Chapman -told her a radio was something to build a fire in, and she would get -cold some day and stuff it full of papers and light it.” But Mr. -Spoffard told Dorothy that Miss Chapman would never make such a -mistake. Because he said that Miss Chapman came from a very very fine -old family herself and she really had a fine brain. So Dorothy said, -“If she really has got such a fine brain I bet her fine old family once -had an ice man who could not be trusted.” So Mr. Spoffard and I did not -pay any more attention to Dorothy because Dorothy really does not know -how to hold a conversation. - - - -So then I and Mr. Spoffard held a conversation all about morals and Mr. -Spoffard says he really thinks the future of everything is between the -hands of Mr. Blank the district attorney who is the famous district -attorney who is closing up all the places in New York where they sell -all of the liquor. So Mr. Spoffard said that a few months ago, when Mr. -Blank decided he would try to get the job to be the district attorney, -he put 1,000 dollars worth of liquor down his sink. So now Mr. Blank -says that everybody else has got to put it down their sink. So Dorothy -spoke up, and Dorothy said, “If he poured 1,000 dollars worth down his -sink to get himself one million dollars worth of publicity and a good -job—when we pour it down our sink, what do we get?” But Mr. Spoffard is -to brainy a gentleman to answer any such a foolish question. So he gave -Dorothy a look that was full of dignity and he said he would have to go -back to his Mother. So I was really quite angry at Dorothy. So I -followed Mr. Spoffard down the hall of the railway train and I asked -Mr. Spoffard if he thought I was wasting quite a lot of time reforming -a girl like Dorothy. So Mr. Spoffard thinks I am, because he really -thinks a girl like Dorothy will never have any reverance. So I told Mr. -Spoffard I had wasted so much time on Dorothy it would really break my -heart to be a failure. So then I had tears in my eyes. So Mr. Spoffard -is really very very sympathetic because when he saw that I did not have -any handkerchief, he took his own handkerchief and he dried up all of -my tears. So then he said he would help me with Dorothy quite a lot and -get her mind to running on things that are more educational. - -So then he said he thought that we ought to get off the train at a -place called Munich because it was very full of art, which they call -“kunst” in Munich, which is very, very educational. So he said he and -Dorothy and I would get off of the train in Munich because he could -send his mother right on to Vienna with Miss Chapman, because every -place always seems to look alike to his mother anyway. So we are all -going to get off the train at Munich and I can send Mr. Eisman a -telegram when nobody is looking. Because I really do not think I will -tell Mr. Spoffard about Mr. Eisman, because, after all, their religions -are different and when two gentlemen have such different religions they -do not seem to have so much to get congeneal about. So I can telegraph -Mr. Eisman that Dorothy and I thought we would get off the train at -Munich to look at all of the art. - -So then I went back to Dorothy and I told Dorothy if she did not have -anything to say in the future to not say it. Because even if Mr. -Spoffard is a fine old family and even if he is very Prespyterian, I -and he could really be friendly after all and talk together quite a -lot. I mean Mr. Spoffard likes to talk about himself quite a lot, so I -said to Dorothy it really shows that, after all, he is just like any -other gentleman. But Dorothy said she would demand more proof than -that. So Dorothy says she thinks that maybe I might become quite -friendly with Mr. Spoffard and especially with his mother because she -thinks his mother and I have quite a lot that is common, but she says, -if I ever bump into Miss Chapman, she thinks I will come to a kropper -because Dorothy saw Miss Chapman when she was at luncheon and Dorothy -says Miss Chapman is the kind of a girl that wears a collar and a tie -even when she is not on horseback. And Dorothy said it was the look -that Miss Chapman gave her at luncheon that really gave her the idea -about the ice man. So Dorothy says she thinks Miss Chapman has got 3 -thirds of the brains of that trio of Geegans, because Geegans is the -slang word that Dorothy has thought up to use on people who are society -people. Because Dorothy says she thinks any gentleman with Mr. -Spoffards brains had ought to spend his time putting nickels into an -electric piano, but I did not even bother to talk back at such a girl -as Dorothy. So now we must get ready to get off the train when the -train gets to Munich so that we can look at all of the kunst in Munich. - - - -May 19th: - -Well yesterday Mr. Spoffard and I and Dorothy got off the train at -Munich to see all of the kunst in Munich, but you only call it Munich -when you are on the train because as soon as you get off of the train -they seem to call it Munchen. So you really would know that Munchen was -full of kunst because in case you would not know it, they have painted -the word “kunst” in large size black letters on everything in Munchen, -and you can not even see a boot black’s stand in Munchen that is not -full of kunst. - -So Mr. Spoffard said that we really ought to go to the theater in -Munchen because even the theater in Munchen was full of kunst. So we -looked at all of the bills of all of the theaters, with the aid of -quite an intelectual hotel clerk who seemed to be able to read it and -tell us what it said, because it really meant nothing to us. So it -seems they were playing Kiki in Munchen, so I said, let us go and see -Kiki because we have seen Lenore Ulric in New York and we would really -know what it is all about even if they do not seem to talk the English -landguage. So then we went to the Kunst theater. So it seems that -Munchen is practically full of Germans and the lobby of the Kunst -theater was really full of Germans who stand in the lobby and drink -beer and eat quite a lot of Bermudian onions and garlick sausage and -hard boiled eggs and beer before all of the acts. So I really had to -ask Mr. Spoffard if he thought we had come to the right theatre because -the lobby seemed to smell such a lot. I mean when the smell of beer -gets to be anteek it gets to smell quite a lot. But Mr. Spoffard seemed -to think that the lobby of the Kunst theatre did not smell any worse -than all of the other places in Munich. So then Dorothy spoke up and -Dorothy said “You can say what you want about the Germans being full of -‘kunst,’ but what they are really full of is delicatessen.” - -So then we went into the Kunst theater. But the Kunst theater does not -seem to smell so good as the lobby of the Kunst theater. And the Kunst -theater seems to be decorated with quite a lot of what tripe would look -like if it was pasted on the wall and gilded. Only you could not really -see the gilding because it was covered with quite a lot of dust. So -Dorothy looked around and Dorothy said, if this is “kunst,” the art -center of the world is Union Hill New Jersey. - -So then they started in to playing Kiki but it seems that it was not -the same kind of a Kiki that we have in America, because it seemed to -be all about a family of large size German people who seemed to keep -getting in each others ways. I mean when a stage is completely full of -2 or 3 German people who are quite large size, they really cannot help -it if they seem to get in each others ways. So then Dorothy got to -talking with a young gentleman who seemed to be a German gentleman who -sat back of her, who she thought was applauding. But what he was really -doing was he was cracking a hard boiled egg on the back of her chair. -So he talked English with quite an accent that seemed to be quite a -German accent. So Dorothy asked him if Kiki had come out on the stage -yet. So he said no, but she was really a beautiful german actress who -came clear from Berlin and he said we should really wait until she came -out, even if we did not seem to understand it. So finally she came out. -I mean we knew it was her because Dorothy’s German gentleman friend -nudged Dorothy with a sausage. So we looked at her, and we looked at -her and Dorothy said, “If Schuman Heinke still has a grandmother, we -have dug her up in Munchen.” So we did not bother to see any more of -Kiki because Dorothy said she would really have to know more about the -foundations of that building before she would risk our lives to see -Kiki do that famous scene where she faints in the last act. Because -Dorothy said, if the foundations of that building were as anteek as the -smell, there was going to be a catasterophy when Kiki hit the floor. So -even Mr. Spoffard was quite discouradged, but he was really glad -because he said he was 100 per cent. of an American and it served the -Germans right for starting such a war against all we Americans. - - - -May 20th: - -Well today Mr. Spoffard is going to take me all around to all of the -museums in Munchen, which are full of kunst that I really ought to look -at, but Dorothy said she had been punished for all of her sins last -night, so now she is going to begin life all over again by going out -with her German gentleman friend, who is going to take her to a house -called the Half Brow house which is the worlds largest size of a Beer -Hall. So Dorothy said I could be a high brow and get full of kunst, but -she is satisfide to be a Half brow and get full of beer. But Dorothy -will really never be full of anything else but unrefinement. - - - -May 21st: - -Well Mr. Spoffard and I and Dorothy are on the train again and we are -all going to Vienna. I mean Mr. Spoffard and I spent one whole day -going through all of the museums in Munchen, but I am really not even -going to think about it. Because when something terrible happens to me, -I always try to be a Christian science and I simply do not even think -about it, but I deny that it ever happened even if my feet do seem to -hurt quite a lot. So even Dorothy had quite a hard day in Munchen -because her German gentleman friend, who is called Rudolf, came for her -at 11 oclock to take her to breakfast. But Dorothy told him that she -had had her breakfast. But her gentleman friend said that he had had -his first breakfast to, but it was time for his second. So he took -Dorothy to the Half Brow house where everybody eats white sausages and -pretzels and beer at 11 oclock. So after they had their white sausages -and beer he wanted to take her for a ride but they could only go a few -blocks because by then it was time for luncheon. So they ate quite a -lot of luncheon and then he bought her a large size box of chocolates -that were full of liqueurs, and took her to the matinee. So after the -first act Rudolf got hungry and they had to go and stand in the lobby -and have some sandwitches and beer. But Dorothy did not enjoy the show -very much and so after the second act Rudolf said they would leave -because it was time for tea anyway. So after quite a heavy tea, Rudolph -asked her to dinner and Dorothy was to overcome to say No. So after -dinner they went to a beer garden for beer and pretzels. But finally -Dorothy began to come to, and she asked him to take her back to the -hotel. So Rudolf said he would, but they had better have a bite to eat -first. So today Dorothy really feels just as discouradged as I seem to -feel, only Dorothy is not a Christian science and all she can do is -suffer. - -But in spite of all of my Christian science, I am really beginning to -feel quite discouradged about Vienna. I mean Mr. Eisman is in Vienna, -and I do not see how I can spend quite a lot of time with Mr. Eisman -and quite a lot of time with Mr. Spoffard and keep them from meeting -one another. Because Mr. Spoffard might not seem to understand why Mr. -Eisman seems to spend quite a lot of money to get me educated. And -Dorothy keeps trying to depress me about Miss Chapman because she says -she thinks that when Miss Chapman sees I and Mr. Spoffard together she -thinks that Miss Chapman will cable for the familys favorite lunacy -expert. So I have got to be as full of Christian science as I can and -always hope for the best. - - - -May 25th: - -So far everything has really worked out for the best. Because Mr. -Eisman is very very busy all day with the button profession, and he -tells me to run around with Dorothy all day. So I and Mr. Spoffard run -around all day. So then I tell Mr. Spoffard that I really do not care -to go to all of the places that you go to at night, but I will go to -bed and get ready for tomorrow instead. So then Dorothy and I go to -dinner with Mr. Eisman and then we go to a show, and we stay up quite -late at a cabaret called the Chapeau Rouge and I am able to keep it all -up with the aid of champagne. So if we keep our eye out for Mr. -Spoffard and do not all bump into one another when he is out looking at -things that we Americans really should not look at, it will all work -out for the best. I mean I have even stopped Mr. Spoffard looking at -museums because I tell him that I like nature better, and when you look -at nature you look at it in a horse and buggy in the park and it is -much easier on the feet. So now he is beginning to talk about how he -would like me to meet his mother, so everything really seems for the -best after all. - -But I have quite a hard time with Mr. Eisman at night. I mean at night -Mr. Eisman is in quite a state, because every time he makes an -engagement about the button factory, it is time for all the gentlemen -in Vienna to go to the coffee house and sit. Or else every time he -makes an engagement about the button factory, some Viennese gentleman -gets the idea to have a picknick and they all put on short pants and -bare knees and they all put a feather in their hat, and they all walk -to the Tyrol. So it really discouradges Mr. Eisman quite a lot. But if -anyone ought to get discouradged I think that I ought to get -discouradged because after all when a girl has had no sleep for a week -a girl can not help it if she seems to get discouradged. - - - -May 27th: - -Well finaly I broke down and Mr. Spoffard said that he thought a little -girl like I, who was trying to reform the whole world was trying to do -to much, especially beginning on a girl like Dorothy. So he said there -was a famous doctor in Vienna called Dr. Froyd who could stop all of my -worrying because he does not give a girl medicine but he talks you out -of it by psychoanalysis. So yesterday he took me to Dr. Froyd. So Dr. -Froyd and I had quite a long talk in the english landguage. So it seems -that everybody seems to have a thing called inhibitions, which is when -you want to do a thing and you do not do it. So then you dream about it -instead. So Dr. Froyd asked me, what I seemed to dream about. So I told -him that I never really dream about anything. I mean I use my brains so -much in the day time that at night they do not seem to do anything else -but rest. So Dr. Froyd was very very surprized at a girl who did not -dream about anything. So then he asked me all about my life. I mean he -is very very sympathetic, and he seems to know how to draw a girl out -quite a lot. I mean I told him things that I really would not even put -in my diary. So then he seemed very very intreeged at a girl who always -seemed to do everything she wanted to do. So he asked me if I really -never wanted to do a thing that I did not do. For instance did I ever -want to do a thing that was really vialent, for instance, did I ever -want to shoot someone for instance. So then I said I had, but the -bullet only went in Mr. Jennings lung and came right out again. So then -Dr. Froyd looked at me and looked at me and he said he did not really -think it was possible. So then he called in his assistance and he -pointed at me and talked to his assistance quite a lot in the Viennese -landguage. So then his assistance looked at me and looked at me and it -really seems as if I was quite a famous case. So then Dr. Froyd said -that all I needed was to cultivate a few inhibitions and get some -sleep. - - - -May 29th: - -Things are really getting to be quite a strain. Because yesterday Mr. -Spoffard and Mr. Eisman were both in the lobby of the Bristol hotel and -I had to pretend not to see both of them. I mean it is quite an easy -thing to pretend not to see one gentleman, but it is a quite hard thing -to pretend not to see two gentlemen. So something has really got to -happen soon, or I will have to admit that things seem to be happening -that are not for the best. - -So this afternoon Dorothy and I had an engagement to meet Count Salm -for tea at four o’clock, only you do not call it tea at Vienna but you -seem to call it “yowzer” and you do not drink tea at Vienna but you -drink coffee instead. I mean it is quite unusual to see all of the -gentlemen at Vienna stop work, to go to yowzer about one hour after -they have all finished their luncheon, but time really does not seem to -mean so much to Viennese gentlemen except time to get to the coffee -house, which they all seem to know by instincts, or else they really do -not seem to mind if they make a mistake and get there to early. Because -Mr. Eisman says that when it is time to attend to the button -profession, they really seem to lose all of their interest until Mr. -Eisman is getting so nervous he could scream. - -So we went to Deimels and met Count Salm. But while we were having -yowzer with Count Salm, we saw Mr. Spoffard’s mother come in with her -companion Miss Chapman, and Miss Chapman seemed to look at me quite a -lot and talk to Mr. Spoffards mother about me quite a lot. So I became -quite nervous, because I really wished that we were not with Count -Salm. I mean it has been quite a hard thing to make Mr. Spoffard think -that I am trying to reform Dorothy, but if I had to try to make him -think that I was trying to reform Count Salm, he might begin to think -that there is a limit to almost everything. So Mr. Spoffards mother -seems to be deaf, because she seems to use an ear trumpet and I really -could not help over hearing quite a lot of words that Miss Chapman was -using on me, even if it is not such good etiquet to overhear people. So -Miss Chapman seemed to be telling Mr. Spoffards mother that I was a -“creature,” and she seemed to be telling her that I was the real reason -why her son seemed to be so full of nothing but neglect lately. So then -Mr. Spoffards mother looked at me and looked at me, even if it was not -such good etiquet to look at a person. And Miss Chapman kept right on -talking to Mr. Spoffards mother and I heard her mention Willie Gwynn -and I think that Miss Chapman has been making some inquiries about me -and I really think that she has heard about the time when all of the -family of Willie Gwynn had quite a long talk with me and persuaded me -not to marry Willie Gwynn for $10,000. So I really wish Mr. Spoffard -would introduce me to his mother before she gets to be full of quite a -lot of prejudice. Because one thing seems to be piling up on top of -another thing, until I am almost on the verge of getting nervous and I -have not had any time yet to do what Dr. Froyd said a girl ought to do. - -So tonight I am going to tell Mr. Eisman that I have got to go to bed -early, so then I can take quite a long ride with Mr. Spoffard and look -at nature, and he may say something definite, because nothing makes -gentlemen get so definite as looking at nature when it is moonlight. - - - -May 30th: - -Well last night Mr. Spoffard and I took quite a long ride in the park, -but they do not call it a park in the Viennese landguage but they call -it the Prater. So a prater is really devine because it is just like -Coney Island but at the same time it is in the woods and it is -practically full of trees and it has quite a long road for people to -take rides on in a horse and buggy. So I found out that Miss Chapman -had been talking against me quite a lot. So it seems that she has been -making inquiries about me, and I was really surprised to hear all of -the things that Miss Chapman seemed to find out about me except that -she did not find out about Mr. Eisman educating me. So then I had to -tell Mr. Spoffard that I was not always so reformed as I am now, -because the world was full of gentlemen who were nothing but wolfs in -sheeps clothes, that did nothing but take advantadge of all we girls. -So I really cried quite a lot. So then I told him how I was just a -little girl from Little Rock when I first left Little Rock and by that -time even Mr. Spoffard had tears in his eyes. So I told him how I came -from a very very good family because papa was very intelectual, and he -was a very very prominent Elk, and everybody always said that he was a -very intelectual Elk. So I told Mr. Spoffard that when I left Little -Rock I thought that all of the gentlemen did not want to do anything -but protect we girls and by the time I found out that they did not want -to protect us so much, it was to late. So then he cried quite a lot. So -then I told him how I finaly got reformed by reading all about him in -the newspapers and when I saw him in the oriental express it really -seemed to be nothing but the result of fate. So I told Mr. Spoffard -that I thought a girl was really more reformed if she knew what it was -to be unreformed than if she was born reformed and never really knew -that was the matter with her. So then Mr. Spoffard reached over and he -kissed me on the forehead in a way that was full of reverance and he -said I seemed to remind him quite a lot of a girl who got quite a -write-up in the bible who was called Magdellen. So then he said that he -used to be a member of the choir himself, so who was he to cast the -first rock at a girl like I. - -So we rode around in the Prater until it was quite late and it really -was devine because it was moonlight and we talked quite a lot about -morals, and all the bands in the prater were all playing in the -distants “Mama love Papa”. Because “Mama love Papa” has just reached -Vienna and they all seem to be crazy about “Mama love Papa” even if it -is not so new in America. So then he took me home to the hotel. - -So everything always works out for the best, because this morning Mr. -Spoffard called up and told me he wanted me to meet his mother. So I -told him I would like to have luncheon alone with his mother because we -could have quite a little tatatate if there was only two of us. So I -told him to bring his mother to our room for luncheon because I thought -that Miss Chapman could not walk into our room and spoil everything. - -So he brought his mother down to our sitting room and I put on quite a -simple little organdy gown that I had ripped all of the trimming off -of, and I had a pair of black lace mitts that Dorothy used to wear in -the Follies and I had a pair of shoes that did not have any heels on -them. So when he introduced us to each other I dropped her a courtesy -because I always think it is quite quaint when a girl drops quite a lot -of courtesys. So then he left us alone and we had quite a little talk -and I told her that I did not seem to like all of the flappers that we -seem to have nowadays, because I was brought up to be more old -fashioned. So then Mr. Spoffards mother told me that Miss Chapman said -that she had heard that I was not so old fashioned. But I told her that -I was so old fashioned that I was always full of respect for all of my -elders and I would not dare to tell them everything they ought to do, -like Miss Chapman seems to tell her everything she ought to do, for -instants. - -So then I ordered luncheon and I thought some champagne would make her -feel quite good for luncheon so I asked her if she liked champagne. So -she really likes champagne very very much but Miss Chapman thinks it is -not so nice for a person to drink liquor. But I told her that I was a -Christian science, and all of we Christian science seem to believe that -there can not really be any harm in anything, so how can there be any -harm in a small size bottle of champagne? So she never seemed to look -at it in that kind of a light before, because she said that Miss -Chapman believed in Christian science also, but what Miss Chapman -believed about things that were good for you to drink seemed to apply -more towards water. So then we had luncheon and she began to feel very -very good. So I thought that we had better have another bottle of -champagne because I told her that I was such an ardent Christian -science that I did not even believe there could be any harm in two -bottles of champagne. So we had another bottle of champagne and she -became very intreeged about Christian science because she said that she -really thought it was a better religion than Prespyterians. So she said -Miss Chapman used to try to get her to use it on things, but Miss -Chapman never seemed to have such a large size grasp of the Christian -science religion as I seem to have. - -So then I told her that I thought Miss Chapman was jealous of her good -looks. So then she said that that was true, because Miss Chapman would -always make her wear hats that were made out of black horses hair -because horses hair does not weigh so much on a persons brain. So I -told her I was going to give her one of my hats that has got quite -large size roses on it. So then I got it out, but we could not get it -on her head because hats are quite small on account of hair being -bobbed. So I thought I would get the sissors and bob her head, but then -I thought I had done enough to her for one day. - -So Henry’s mother said that I was really the most sunshine that she -ever had in all her life and when Henry came back to take his Mother up -to her room, she did not want to go. But after he got her away he -called me up on the telephone and he was qiute excited and he said he -wanted to ask me something that was very very important. So I said I -would see him tonight. - -But now I have got to see Mr. Eisman because I have an idea about doing -something that is really very very important that has got to be done at -once. - - - -May 31st: - -Well I and Dorothy and Mr. Eisman are on a train going to a place -called Buda Pest. So I did not see Henry again before I left, but I -left him a letter. Because I thought it would be a quite good thing if -what he wanted to ask me he would have to write down, instead of asking -me, and he could not write it to me if I was in the same city that he -is in. So I told him in my letter that I had to leave in five minute’s -time because I found out that Dorothy was just on the verge of getting -very unreformed, and if I did not get her away, all I had done for her -would really go for nothing. So I told him to write down what he had to -say to me, and mail it to me at the Ritz hotel in Buda Pest. Because I -always seem to believe in the old addage, Say it in writing. - -So it was really very easy to get Mr. Eisman to leave Vienna, because -yesterday he went out to see the button factory but it seems that all -of the people at the button factory were not at work but they were -giving a birthday party to some saint. So it seems that every time some -saint has a birthday they all stop work so they can give it a birthday -party. So Mr. Eisman looked at their calendar, and found out that some -saint or other was born practically every week in the year. So he has -decided that America is good enough for him. - -So Henry will not be able to follow me to Buda Pest because his mother -is having treatments by Dr. Froyd and she seems to be a much more -difficult case than I seem to be. I mean it is quite hard for Dr. -Froyd, because she cannot seem to remember which is a dream and which -really happened to her. So she tells him everything, and he has to use -his judgement. I mean when she tells him that a very very handsome -young gentleman tried to flirt with her on Fifth Avenue, he uses his -judgement. - -So we will soon be at a Ritz hotel again and I must say it will be -delightful to find a Ritz hotel right in the central of Europe. - - - -June 1st: - -Well yesterday Henrys letter came and it says in black and white that -he and his mother have never met such a girl as I and he wants me to -marry him. So I took Henrys letter to the photographers and I had quite -a lot of photographs taken of it because a girl might lose Henrys -letter and she would not have anything left to remember him by. But -Dorothy says to hang on to Henry’s letter, because she really does not -think the photographs do it justice. - -So this afternoon I got a telegram from Henry and the telegram says -that Henry’s father is very, very ill in New York and they have got to -leave for New York immediately and his heart is broken not to see me -again and to send him my answer by telegraph so that his mind will be -rested while he is going back to New York. So I sent him a telegram and -I accepted his proposal. So tonight I got another telegram and Henry -says that he and his mother are very very happy and Henrys mother can -hardly bear Miss Chapman any more and Henry says he hopes I will decide -to come right back to New York and keep his mother quite a lot of -company, because he thinks I can reform Dorothy more in New York -anyway, where there is prohibition and nobody can get anything to -drink. - -So now I have got to make up my mind whether I really want to marry -Henry after all. Because I know to much to get married to any gentleman -like Henry without thinking it all over. Because Henry is the kind of a -gentleman who gets on a girls nerves quite a lot and when a gentleman -has nothing else to do but get on a girls nerves, there really seems to -be a limit to almost everything. Because when a gentleman has a -business, he has an office and he has to be there, but when a -gentlemans business is only looking into other peoples business, a -gentleman is always on the verge of coming in and out of the house. And -a girl could not really say that her time was her own. And when Henry -was not in and out of the house, his mother would always be in and out -of the house because she seems to think that I am so full of nothing -but sunshine. So it is quite a problem and I seem to be in quite a -quarandary, because it might really be better if Henry should happen to -decide that he should not get married, and he should change his mind, -and desert a girl, and then it would only be right if a girl should sue -him for a breach of promise. - -But I really think, whatever happens, that Dorothy and I had better get -back to New York. So I will see if Mr. Eisman will send us back. I mean -I really do not think that Mr. Eisman will mind us going back because -if he does, I will start shopping again and that always seems to bring -him to terms. But all the time I am going back to New York, I will have -to try to make up my mind one way or another. Because we girls really -can not help it, if we have ideals, and sometimes my mind seems to get -to running on things that are romantic, and I seem to think that maybe -there is some place in the world where there is a gentleman who knows -how to look and act like Count Salm and who has got money besides. And -when a girls mind gets to thinking about such a romantic thing, a girls -mind really does not seem to know whether to marry Henry or not. - - - - - - - - -CHAPTER SIX - -BRAINS ARE REALLY EVERYTHING - - -June 14th: - -Well, Dorothy and I arrived at New York yesterday because Mr. Eisman -finally decided to send us home because he said that all of his button -profession would not stand the strain of educating me much more in -Europe. So we separated from Mr. Eisman in Buda Pest because Mr. Eisman -had to go to Berlin to look up all of his starving relatives in Berlin, -who have done nothing but starve since the War, so he wrote me just -before we sailed and he said that he had dug up all his starving -relatives and he had looked them all over, and decided not to bring -them to America because there was not one of his starving relatives who -could travel on a railroad ticket without paying excess fare for -overweight. - -So Dorothy and I took the boat and all the way over on the boat I had -to make up my mind whether I really wanted to marry the famous Henry H. -Spoffard, or not, because he was waiting for me to arrive at New York -and he was so impatient that he could hardly wait for me to arrive at -New York. But I have not wasted all of my time on Henry, even if I do -not marry him, because I have some letters from Henry which would come -in very, very handy if I did not marry Henry. So Dorothy seems to agree -with me quite a lot, because Dorothy says the only thing she could -stand being to Henry, would be to be his widow at the age of 18. - -So coming over on the boat I decided not to bother to meet any -gentleman, because what good does it do to meet gentlemen when there is -nothing to do on a boat but go shopping at a little shop where they do -not have any thing that costs more than five dollars. And besides if I -did meet any gentleman on the boat, he would want to see me off the -boat, and then we would bump into Henry. But then I heard that there -was a gentleman on the boat who was quite a dealer in unset diamonds -from a town called Amsterdam. So I met the gentleman, and we went -around together quite a lot, but we had quite a quarrel the night -before we landed, so I did not even bother to look at him when I came -down the gangplank, and I put the unset diamonds in my handbag so I did -not have to declare them at the customs. - -So Henry was waiting for me at the customs, because he had come up from -Pennsylvania to meet me, because their country estate is at -Pennsylvania, and Henry’s father is very, very ill at Pennsylvania, so -Henry has to stay there practically all of the time. So all of the -reporters were at the customs and they all heard about how Henry and I -were engaged to one another and they wanted to know what I was before I -became engaged to Henry, so I told them that I was nothing but a -society girl from Little Rock, Arkansas. So then I became quite angry -with Dorothy because one of the reporters asked Dorothy when I made my -debut in society at Little Rock and Dorothy said I made my debut at the -Elks annual street fair and carnival at the age of 15, I mean Dorothy -never overlooks any chance to be unrefined, even when she is talking to -literary gentlemen like reporters. - -So Henry brought me to the apartment in his Rolls Royce, and while we -were coming to the apartment he said he wanted to give me my engagement -ring and I really became all thrills. So he said that he had gone to -Cartiers and he had looked over all the engagement rings in Cartiers -and after he had looked them all over he had decided that they were not -half good enough for me. So then he took a box out of his pocket and I -really became intreeged. So then Henry said that when he looked at all -of those large size diamonds he really felt that they did not have any -sentiment, so he was going to give me his class ring from Amherst -College insted. So then I looked at him and looked at him, but I am to -full of self controle to say anything at this stage of the game, so I -said it was really very sweet of him to be so full of nothing but -sentiment. - -So then Henry said that he would have to go back to Pennsylvania to -talk to his father about us getting married, because his father has -really got his heart set on us not getting married. So I told Henry -that perhaps if I would meet his father, I would win him over, because -I always seem to win gentlemen over. But Henry says that that is just -the trouble, because some girl is always winning his father over, and -they hardly dare to let him go out of their sight, and they hardly dare -let him go to church alone. Because the last time he went to church -alone some girl won him over on the street corner and he arrived back -home with all of his pocket money gone, and they could not believe him -when he said that he had put it in the plate, because he has not put -more than a dime in the plate for the last fifty years. - -So it seems that the real reason why his father does not want Henry to -marry me, is because his father says that Henry always has all of the -fun, and every time Henry’s father wants to have some fun of his own, -Henry always stops him and Henry will not even let him be sick at a -hospital where he could have some fun of his own, but he keeps him at -home where he has to have a nurse Henry picked out for him who is a -male nurse. So all of his objections seem to be nothing but the spirit -of resiprosity. But Henry says that all his objections cannot last much -longer because he is nearly 90 years of age after all, and Nature must -take its course sooner or later. - -So Dorothy says what a fool I am to waste my time on Henry, when I -might manage to meet Henry’s father and the whole thing would be over -in a few months and I would practically own the state of Pennsylvania. -But I do not think I ought to take Dorothy’s advise because Henry’s -father is watched like a hawk and Henry himself is his Power of -Attorney, so no good could really come of it after all. And, after all, -why should I listen to the advise of a girl like Dorothy who travelled -all over Europe and all she came home with was a bangle! - -So Henry spent the evening at the apartment and then he had to go back -to Pennsylvania to be there Thursday morning, because every Thursday -morning he belongs to a society who do nothing but senshure all of the -photoplays. So they cut out all of the pieces out of all the photoplays -that show things that are riskay, that people ought not to look at. So -then they put all of the riskay pieces together and they run them over -and over again. So it would really be quite a hard thing to drag Henry -away from one of his Thursday mornings and he can hardly wait from one -Thursday morning to another. Because he really does not seem to enjoy -anything so much as senshuring photoplays and after a photoplay has -once been senshured he seems to lose all of his interest in it. - -So after Henry left I held quite a conversation with Lulu, who is my -maid who looked out for my apartment while I was away. So Lulu really -thinks I ought to marry Mr. Spoffard after all, because Lulu says that -she kept studying Mr. Spoffard all of the time she was unpacking my -trunks, and Lulu says she is sure that any time I feel as if I had to -get away from Mr. Spoffard I could just set him down on the floor, and -give him a packet of riskay french postcards to senshure and stay away -as long as I like. - -So Henry is going to arrange for me to come down to Pennsylvania for a -week-end and meet all of his family. But if all of Henry’s family are -as full of reforms as Henry seems to be, it will be quite an ordeal -even for a girl like I. - - - -June 15th: - -Yesterday morning was quite an ordeal for a refined girl because all of -the newspapers all printed the story of how Henry and I are engaged to -one another, but they all seemed to leave out the part about me being a -society girl except one newspaper, and that was the newspaper that -quoted what Dorothy said about me being a debutant at the Elk’s -Carnival. So I called up Dorothy at the Ritz and I told Dorothy that a -girl like she ought to keep her mouth closed in the presents of -reporters. - -So it seems that quite a lot of reporters kept calling Dorothy up but -Dorothy said she really did not say anything to any of them except one -reporter asked her what I used for money and she told him buttons. But -Dorothy really should not have said such a thing, because quite a few -people seem to know that Mr. Eisman is educating me and that he is -known all over Chicago as Gus Eisman the Button King, so one thing -might suggest another until people’s minds might begin to think -something. - -But Dorothy said that she did not say anything more about me being a -debutant at Little Rock, because after all Dorothy knows that I really -did not make any debut in Little Rock, because just when it was time to -make my debut, my gentleman friend Mr. Jennings became shot, and after -the trial was over and all of the Jury had let me off, I was really -much to fatigued to make any debut. - -So then Dorothy said, why don’t we throw a party now and you can become -a debutant now and put them all in their place, because it seems that -Dorothy is dying for a party. So that is really the first sensible -suggestion that Dorothy has made yet, because I think that every girl -who is engaged to a gentleman who has a fine old family like Henry, had -really ought to be a debutant. So I told her to come right over and we -would plan my debut but we would keep it very, very quiet and give it -tomorrow night, because if Henry heard I was making my debut he would -come up from Pennsylvania and he would practically spoil the party, -because all Henry has to do to spoil a party is to arrive at it. - -So Dorothy came over and we planned my debut. So first we decided to -have some engraved invitations engraved, but it always takes quite a -little time to have invitations engraved, and it would really be -foolish because all of the gentlemen we were going to invite to my -debut were all members of the Racquet Club, so I could just write out a -notice that I was having a debut and give it to Willie Gwynn and have -Willie Gwynn post it on the Racquet Club board. - -So Willie Gwynn posted it on the club board and then he called me up -and he told me that he had never seen so much enthusiasm since the -Dempsey-Firpo fight, and he said that the whole Racquet Club would be -there in a body. So then we had to plan about what girls we would ask -to my debut. Because I have not seemed to meet so many society women -yet because of course a girl does not meet society women until her -debut is all over, and then all the society women all come and call on -a debutant. But I know practically all of the society men, because -practically all of the society men belong to the Racquet club, so after -I have the Racquet Club at my debut, all I have to do to take my real -place in society is to meet their mothers and sisters, because I know -practically all of their sweethearts now. - -But I always seem to think that it is delightful to have quite a lot of -girls at a party, if a girl has quite a lot of gentlemen at a party, -and it is quite delightful to have all the girls from the Follies, but -I really could not invite them because, after all, they are not in my -set. So then I thought it all over and I thought that even if it was -not etiquette to invite them to a party, it really would be etiquette -to hire them to come to a party and be entertainers, and after they -were entertainers they could mix in to the party and it really would -not be a social error. - -So then the telephone rang and Dorothy answered it and it seems that it -was Joe Sanguinetti, who is almost the official bootlegger for the -whole Racquet Club, and Joe said he had heard about my debut and if he -could come to my debut and bring his club which is the Silver Spray -Social Club of Brooklyn, he would supply all of the liquor and he would -guarantee to practically run the rum fleet up to the front door. - -So Dorothy told him he could come, and she hung up the telephone before -she told me his proposition, and I became quite angry with Dorothy -because, after all, the Silver Spray Social Club is not even mentioned -in the Social Register and it has no place at a girl’s debut. But -Dorothy said by the time the party got into swing, anyone would have to -be a genius if he could tell whether he belonged to the Racquet Club, -the Silver Spray Social Club, or the Knights of Pythias. But I really -was almost sorry that I asked Dorothy to help plan my debut, except -that Dorothy is very good to have at a party if the police come in, -because Dorothy always knows how to manage the police, and I never knew -a policeman yet who did not finish up by being madly in love with -Dorothy. So then Dorothy called up all of the reporters on all of the -newspapers and invited them all to my debut, so they could see it with -their own eyes. - -So Dorothy says that she is going to see to it that my debut lands on -the front page of all of the newspapers, if we have to commit a murder -to do it. - - - -June 19th: - -Well, it has been three days since my debut party started but I finally -got tired and left the party last night and went to bed because I -always seem to lose all of my interest in a party after a few days, but -Dorothy never loses her interest in a party and when I woke up this -morning Dorothy was just saying goodbye to some of the guests. I mean -Dorothy seems to have quite a lot of vitality, because the last guests -of the party were guests we picked up when the party went to take a -swim at Long Beach the day before yesterday, and they were practically -fresh, but Dorothy had gone clear through the party from beginning to -end without even stopping to go to a Turkish bath as most of the -gentlemen had to do. So my debut has really been very novel, because -quite a lot of the guests who finished up at my debut were not the same -guests that started out at it, and it is really quite novel for a girl -to have so many different kinds of gentlemen at her debut. So it has -really been a very great success because all of the newspapers have -quite a lot of write-ups about my debut and I really felt quite proud -when I saw the front page of the Daily Views and it said in large size -headlines, “LORELEI’S DEBUT A WOW!” And Zits’ Weekly came right out and -said that if this party marks my entrance into society, they only hope -that they can live to see what I will spring once I have overcome my -debutant reserve and taken my place in the world. - -So I really had to apologise to Dorothy about asking Joe Sanguinetti to -my debut because it was wonderful the way he got all of the liquor to -the party and he more than kept his word. I mean he had his bootleggers -run up from the wharf in taxis, right to the apartment, and the only -trouble he had was, that once the bootleggers delivered the liquor, he -could not get them to leave the party. So finally there was quite a -little quarrel because Willie Gwynn claimed that Joe’s bootleggers were -snubbing the members of his club because they would not let the boys -from the Racquet club sing in their quartet. But Joe’s bootleggers said -that the Racquet club boys wanted to sing songs that were unrefined, -while they wanted to sing songs about Mother. So then everybody started -to take sides, but the girls from the Follies were all with Joe’s -bootleggers from the start because practically all we girls were -listening to them with tears steaming from our eyes. So that made the -Racquet club jealous and one thing led to another until somebody rang -for an ambulants and then the police came in. - -So Dorothy, as usual, won over all of the police. So it seems that the -police all have orders from Judge Schultzmeyer, who is the famous judge -who tries all of the prohibition cases, that any time they break into a -party that looks like it was going to be a good party, to call him up -no matter what time of the day or night it is, because Judge -Schultzmeyer dearly loves a party. So the Police called up Judge -Schultzmeyer and he was down in less than no time. So during the party -both Joe Sanguinetti and Judge Schultzmeyer fell madly in love with -Dorothy. So Joe and the Judge had quite a little quarrel and the Judge -told Joe that if his stuff was fit to drink he would set the Law after -him and confiscate it, but his stuff was not worth the while of any -gentleman to confiscate who had any respect for his stomach, and he -would not lower himself to confiscate it. So along about nine o’clock -in the morning Judge Schultzmeyer had to leave the party and go to -court to try all of the criminals who break all of the laws, so he had -to leave Dorothy and Joe together and he was very very angry. And I -really felt quite sorry for any person who went up before Judge -Schultzmeyer that morning, because he gave everybody 90 days and was -back at the party by twelve o’clock. So then he stuck to the party -until we were all going down to Long Beach to take a swim day before -yesterday when he seemed to become unconscious, so we dropped him off -at a sanitorium in Garden City. - -So my debut party was really the greatest success of the social season, -because the second night of my debut party was the night when Willie -Gwynn’s sister was having a dance at the Gwynn estate on Long Island, -and Willie Gwynn said that all of the eligible gentlemen in New York -were conspicuous by their absents at his sister’s party, because they -were all at my party. So it seems as if I am really going to be quite a -famous hostess if I can just bring my mind to the point of being Mrs. -Henry Spoffard Jr. - -Well Henry called up this morning and Henry said he had finally got his -father’s mind so that he thought it was safe for me to meet him and he -was coming up to get me this afternoon so that I can meet his family -and see his famous old historical home at Pennsylvania. So then he -asked about my debut party which some of the Philadelphia papers seemed -to mention. But I told him that my debut was really not so much -planned, as it was spontaneous, and I did not have the heart to call -him up at a moments notice and take him away from his father at such a -time for reasons which were nothing but social. - -So now I am getting ready to visit Henry’s family and I feel as if my -whole future depends on it. Because if I can not stand Henry’s family -any more than I can stand Henry the whole thing will probly come to an -end in the law court. - - - -June 21st: - -Well, I am now spending the weekend with Henry’s family at his old -family mansion outside of Philadelphia, and I am beginning to think, -after all, that there is something else in the world besides family. -And I am beginning to think that family life is only fit for those who -can stand it. For instants, they always seem to get up very early in -Henry’s family. I mean it really is not so bad to get up early when -there is something to get up early about, but when a girl gets up early -and there is nothing to get up early about, it really begins to seem as -if there was no sense to it. - -So yesterday we all got up early and that was when I met all of Henry’s -family, because Henry and I motored down to Pennsylvania and everybody -was in bed when we arrived because it was after nine o’clock. So in the -morning Henry’s mother came to my room to get me up in time for -breakfast because Henry’s mother is very very fond of me, and she -always wants to copy all of my gowns and she always loves to look -through all of my things to see what I have got. So she found a box of -liqueur candies that are full of liqueurs and she was really very -delighted. So I finally got dressed and she threw the empty box away -and I helped her down stairs to the Dining room. - -So Henry was waiting in the dining room with his sister and that was -when I met his sister. So it seems that Henry’s sister has never been -the same since the war, because she never had on a man’s collar and a -necktie until she drove an ambulants in the war, and now they cannot -get her to take them off. Because ever since the armistice Henry’s -sister seems to have the idea that regular womens clothes are -effiminate. So Henry’s sister seems to think of nothing but either -horses or automobiles and when she is not in a garage the only other -place she is happy in is a stable. I mean she really pays very little -attention to all of her family and she seems to pay less attention to -Henry than anybody else because she seems to have the idea that Henry’s -brains are not so viril. So then we all waited for Henry’s father to -come in so that he could read the Bible out loud before breakfast. - -So then something happened that really was a miracle. Because it seems -that Henry’s father has practically lived in a wheel chair for months -and months and his male nurse has to wheel him everywhere. So his male -nurse wheeled him into the dining room in his wheel chair and then -Henry said “Father, this is going to be your little daughter in law,” -and Henry’s father took one good look at me and got right out of his -wheel chair and walked! So then everybody was very very surprised, but -Henry was not so surprised because Henry knows his father like a book. -So then they all tried to calm his father down, and his father tried to -read out of the Bible but he could hardly keep his mind on the Bible -and he could hardly eat a bite because when a gentleman is as feeble as -Henry’s father is, he cannot keep one eye on a girl and the other eye -on his cereal and cream without coming to grief. So Henry finally -became quite discouradged and he told his father he would have to get -back to his room or he would have a relapse. So then the male nurse -wheeled him back to his room and it really was pathetic because he -cried like a baby. So I got to thinking over what Dorothy advised me -about Henry’s father and I really got to thinking that if Henry’s -father could only get away from everybody and have some time of his -own, Dorothy’s advise might not be so bad after all. - -So after breakfast we all got ready to go to church, but Henry’s sister -does not go to church because Henry’s sister always likes to spend -every Sunday in the garage taking their Ford farm truck apart and -putting it back together again, and Henry says that what the war did to -a girl like his sister is really worse than the war itself. - -So then Henry and his mother and I all went to church. So we came home -from church and we had luncheon and it seems that luncheon is -practically the same as breakfast except that Henry’s father could not -come down to luncheon because after he met me he contracted such a -vialent fever that they had to send for the Doctor. - -So in the afternoon Henry went to prayer meeting and I was left alone -with Henry’s mother so that we could rest up so that we could go to -church again after supper. So Henry’s mother thinks I am nothing but -sunshine and she will hardly let me get out of her sight, because she -hates to be by herself because, when she is by herself, her brains -hardly seem to work at all. So she loves to try on all of my hats and -she loves to tell me how all the boys in the choir can hardly keep -their eyes off her. So of course a girl has to agree with her, and it -is quite difficult to agree with a person when you have to do it -through an ear trumpet because sooner or later your voice has to give -out. - -So then supper turned out to be practically the same thing as luncheon -only by supper time all of the novelty seemed to wear off. So then I -told Henry that I had to much of a headache to go to church again, so -Henry and his mother went to church and I went to my room and I sat -down and thought and I decided that life was really to short to spend -it in being proud of your family, even if they did have a great deal of -money. So the best thing for me to do is to think up some scheme to -make Henry decide not to marry me and take what I can get out of it and -be satisfied. - - - -June 22nd: - -Well, yesterday I made Henry put me on the train at Philadelphia and I -made him stay at Philadelphia so he could be near his father if his -father seemed to take any more relapses. So I sat in my drawing room on -the train and I decided that the time had come to get rid of Henry at -any cost. So I decided that the thing that discouradges gentlemen more -than anything else is shopping. Because even Mr. Eisman, who was -practically born for we girls to shop on, and who knows just what to -expect, often gets quite discouradged over all of my shopping. So I -decided I would get to New York and I would go to Cartiers and run up -quite a large size bill on Henry’s credit, because after all our -engagement has been announced in all of the newspapers, and Henry’s -credit is really my credit. - -So while I was thinking it all over there was a knock on the drawing -room door, so I told him to come in and it was a gentleman who said he -had seen me quite a lot in New York and he had always wanted to have an -introduction to me, because we had quite a lot of friends who were -common. So then he gave me his card and his name was on his card and it -was Mr. Gilbertson Montrose and his profession is a senario writer. So -then I asked him to sit down and we held a literary conversation. - -So I really feel as if yesterday was a turning point in my life, -because at last I have met a gentleman who is not only an artist but -who has got brains besides. I mean he is the kind of a gentleman that a -girl could sit at his feet and listen to for days and days and nearly -always learn something or other. Because, after all, there is nothing -that gives a girl more of a thrill than brains in a gentleman, -especially after a girl has been spending the week end with Henry. So -Mr. Montrose talked and talked all of the way to New York and I sat -there and did nothing else but listen. So according to Mr. Montrose’s -opinion Shakespear is a very great playwrite, and he thinks that Hamlet -is quite a famous tragedy and as far as novels are concerned he -believes that nearly everybody had ought to read Dickens. And when we -got on the subject of poetry he recited “The Shooting of Dan McGrew” -until you could almost hear the gun go off. - -And then I asked Mr. Montrose to tell me all about himself. So it seems -that Mr. Montrose was on his way home from Washington D. C., where he -went to see the Bulgarian Ambassadore to see if he could get Bulgaria -to finance a senario he has written which is a great historical subject -which is founded on the sex life of Dolly Madison. So it seems that Mr. -Montrose has met quite a lot of Bulgarians in a Bulgarian restaurant on -Lexington Avenue and that was what gave him the idea to get the money -from Bulgaria. Because Mr. Montrose said that he could fill his senario -full of Bulgarian propoganda, and he told the Bulgarian Ambassadore -that every time he realised how ignorant all of the American film fans -were on the subject of Bulgaria, it made him flinch. - -So I told Mr. Montrose that it made me feel very very small to talk to -a gentleman like he, who knew so much about Bulgaria, because -practically all I knew about Bulgaria was Zoolack. So Mr. Montrose said -that the Bulgarian Ambassadore did not seem to think that Dolly Madison -had so much about her that was pertinent to present day Bulgaria, but -Mr. Montrose explained to him that that was because he knew practically -nothing about dramatic construction. Because Mr. Montrose said he could -fix his senario so that Dolly Madison would have one lover who was a -Bulgarian, who wanted to marry her. So then Dolly Madison would get to -wondering what her great, great grandchildren would be like if she -married a Bulgarian, and then she could sit down and have a vision of -Bulgaria in 1925. So that was when Mr. Montrose would take a trip to -Bulgaria to photograph the vision. But the Bulgarian Ambassadore turned -down the whole proposition, but he gave Mr. Montrose quite a large size -bottle of the Bulgarian national drink. So the Bulgarian national drink -looks like nothing so much as water, and it really does not taste so -strong, but about five minutes afterwards you begin to realise your -mistake. But I thought to myself that if realizing my mistake could -make me forget what I went through in Pennsylvania, I really owed it to -myself to forget everything. So then we had another drink. - -So then Mr. Montrose told me that he had quite a hard time getting -along in the motion picture profession, because all of his senarios are -all over their head. Because when Mr. Montrose writes about sex, it is -full of sychology, but when everybody else writes about it, it is full -of nothing but transparent negligays and ornamental bath tubs. And Mr. -Montrose says that there is no future in the motion pictures until the -motion pictures get their sex motives straightened out, and realize -that a woman of 25 can have just as many sex problems as a flapper of -16. Because Mr. Montrose likes to write about women of the world, and -he refuses to have women of the world played by small size girls of 15 -who know nothing about life and who have not even been in the detention -home. - -So we both arrived in New York before we realized it, and I got to -thinking how the same trip with Henry in his Rolls Royce seemed like -about 24 hours, and that was what gave me the idea that money was not -everything, because after all, it is only brains that count. So Mr. -Montrose took me home and we are going to have luncheon together at the -Primrose Tea room practically every day and keep right on holding -literary conversations. - -So then I had to figure out how to get rid of Henry and at the same -time not do anything that would make me any trouble later. So I sent -for Dorothy because Dorothy is not so good at intreeging a gentleman -with money, but she ought to be full of ideas on how to get rid of one. - -So at first Dorothy said, Why didn’t I take a chance and marry Henry -because she had an idea that if Henry married me he would commit -suicide about two weeks later. But I told her about my plan to do quite -a lot of shopping, and I told her that I would send for Henry and I -would manage it so that I would not be in the apartment when he came, -but she could be there and start a conversation with him and she could -tell him about all of my shopping and how extravagant I seemed to be -and he would be in the poor house in less than a year if he married me. - -So Dorothy said for me to take one farewell look at Henry and leave him -to her, because the next time I saw him would be in the witness box and -I might not even recognize him because she would throw a scare into him -that might change his whole physical appearance. So I decided to leave -him in the hands of Dorothy and hope for the best. - - - -July 10th: - -Well, last month was really almost a diary in itself, and I have to -begin to realize that I am one of the kind of girls that things happen -to. And I have to admit, after all, that life is really wonderful. -Because so much has happened in the last few weeks that it almost makes -a girl’s brains whirl. - -I mean in the first place I went shopping at Cartiers and bought quite -a delightful square cut emerald and quite a long rope of pearls on -Henry’s credit. So then I called up Henry on the long distants -telephone and told him that I wanted to see him quite a lot, so he was -very very pleased and he said that he would come right up to New York. - -So then I told Dorothy to come to the apartment and be there when Henry -came, and to show Henry what I bought on his credit, and to tell him -how extravagant I seem to be, and how I seem to keep on getting worse. -So I told Dorothy to go as far as she liked, so long as she did not -insinuate anything against my character, because the more spotless my -character seems to be, the better things might turn out later. So Henry -was due at the apartment about 1.20, so I had Lulu get some luncheon -for he and Dorothy and I told Dorothy to tell him that I had gone out -to look at the Russian Crown Jewels that some Russian Grand Duchess or -other had for sale at the Ritz. - -So then I went to the Primrose Tea Room to have luncheon with Mr. -Montrose because Mr. Montrose loves to tell me of all his plans, and he -says that I seem to remind him quite a lot of a girl called Madame -Recamier who all the intelectual gentlemen used to tell all of their -plans to, even when there was a French revolution going on all around -them. - -So Mr. Montrose and I had a delicious luncheon, except that I never -seem to notice what I am eating when I am with Mr. Montrose because -when Mr. Montrose talks a girl wants to do nothing but listen. But all -of the time I was listening, I was thinking about Dorothy and I was -worrying for fear Dorothy would go to far, and tell Henry something -that would not be so good for me afterwards. So finally even Mr. -Montrose seemed to notice it, and he said “What’s the matter little -woman, a penny for your thoughts.” - -So then I told him everything. So he seemed to think quite a lot and -finally he said to me “It is really to bad that you feel as if the -social life of Mr. Spoffard bored you, because Mr. Spoffard would be -ideal to finance my senario.” So then Mr. Montrose said that he had -been thinking from the very first how ideal I would be to play Dolly -Madison. So that started me thinking and I told Mr. Montrose that I -expected to have quite a large size ammount of money later on, and I -would finance it myself. But Mr. Montrose said that would be to late, -because all of the motion picture corporations were after it now, and -it would be snaped up almost immediately. - -So then I became almost in a panick, because I suddenly decided that if -I married Henry and worked in the motion pictures at the same time, -society life with Henry would not really be so bad. Because if a girl -was so busy as all that, it really would not seem to matter so much if -she had to stand Henry when she was not busy. But then I realized what -Dorothy was up to, and I told Mr. Montrose that I was almost afraid it -was to late. So I hurried to the telephone and I called up Dorothy at -the apartment and I asked her what she had said to Henry. So Dorothy -said that she showed him the square cut emerald and told him that I -bought it as a knick-knack to go with a green dress, but I had got a -spot on the dress, so I was going to give them both to Lulu. So she -said she showed him the pearls and she said that after I had bought -them, I was sorry I did not get pink ones because white ones were so -common, so I was going to have Lulu unstring them and sew them on a -negligay. So then she told him she was rather sorry I meant to buy the -Russian Crown jewels because she had a feeling they were unlucky, but -that I had said to her, that if I found out they were, I could toss -them over my left shoulder into the Hudson river some night when there -was a new moon, and it would take away the curse. - -So then she said that Henry began to get restless. So then she told him -she was very glad I was going to get married at last because I had had -such bad luck, that every time I became engaged something seemed to -happen to my fiance. So Henry asked her what, for instance. So Dorothy -said a couple were in the insane asylum, one had shot himself for debt, -and the county farm was taking care of the remainder. So Henry asked -her how they got that way. So Dorothy told him it was nothing but my -extravagants, and she told him that she was surprised that he had never -heard about it, because all I had to do was to take luncheon at the -Ritz with some prominent broker and the next day the bottom would drop -out of the market. And she told him that she did not want to insinuate -anything, but that I had dined with a very, very prominent German the -day before German marks started to colapse. - -So I became almost frantic and I told Dorothy to hold Henry at the -apartment until I could get up there and explain. So I held the -telephone while Dorothy went to see if Henry would wait. So Dorothy -came back in a minute and she said that the parlor was empty, but that -if I would hurry down to Broadway no doubt I would see a cloud of dust -heading towards the Pennsylvania station, and that would be Henry. - -So then I went back to Mr. Montrose, and I told him that I must catch -Henry at the Pennsylvania Station at any cost. And if anyone were to -say that we left the Primrose tea room in a hurry, they would be -putting it quite mildly. So we got to the Pennsylvania station and I -just had time to get on board the train to Philadelphia and I left Mr. -Montrose standing at the train biting his finger nails in all of his -anxiety. But I called out to him to go to his Hotel and I would -telephone the result as soon as the train arrived. - -So then I went through the train, and there was Henry with a look on -his face which I shall never forget. So when he saw me he really seemed -to shrink to ½ his natural size. So I sat down beside him and I told -him that I was really ashamed of how he acted, and if his love for me -could not stand a little test that I and Dorothy had thought up, more -in the spirit of fun than anything else, I never wanted to speak to -such a gentleman again. And I told him that if he could not tell the -difference between a real square cut emerald and one from the ten cent -store, that he had ought to be ashamed of himself. And I told him that -if he thought that every string of white beads were pearls, it was no -wonder he could make such a mistake in judging the character of a girl. -So then I began to cry because of all of Henry’s lack of faith. So then -he tried to cheer me up but I was to hurt to even give him a decent -word until we were past Newark. But by the time we were past Newark, -Henry was crying himself, and it always makes me feel so tender hearted -to listen to a gentleman cry that I finally forgave him. So, of course, -as soon as I got home I had to take them back to Cartiers. - -So then I explained to Henry how I wanted our life to mean something -and I wanted to make the World a better place than it seemed to have -been yet. And I told him that he knew so much about the film profession -on account of senshuring all of the films that I thought he had ought -to go into the film profession. Because I told him that a gentleman -like he really owed it to the world to make pure films so that he could -be an example to all of the other film corporations and show the world -what pure films were like. So Henry became very, very intreeged because -he had never thought of the film profession before. So then I told him -that we could get H. Gilbertson Montrose to write the senarios, and he -to senshure them, and I could act in them and by the time we all got -through, they would be a work of art. But they would even be purer than -most works of art seem to be. So by the time we got to Philadelphia -Henry said that he would do it, but he really did not think I had ought -to act in them. But I told him from what I had seen of society women -trying to break into the films, I did not believe that it would be so -declasée if one of them really landed. So I even talked him into that. - -So when we got to Henry’s country estate, we told all of Henry’s family -and they were all delighted. Because it is the first time since the war -that Henry’s family have had anything definite to put their minds on. I -mean Henry’s sister really jumped at the idea because she said she -would take charge of the studio trucks and keep them at a bed-rock -figure. So I even promised Henry’s mother that she could act in the -films. I mean I even believe that we could put in a close-up of her -from time to time, because after all, nearly every photoplay has to -have some comedy relief. And I promised Henry’s father that we would -wheel him through the studio and let him look at all of the actresses -and he nearly had another relapse. So then I called up Mr. Montrose and -made an appointment with him to meet Henry and talk it all over, and -Mr. Montrose, said, “Bless you, little woman.” - -So I am almost beginning to believe it, when everybody says I am -nothing but sunshine because everybody I come into contract with always -seems to become happy. I mean with the exception of Mr. Eisman. Because -when I got back to New York, I opened all of his cablegrams and I -realized that he was due to arrive on the Aquitania the very next day. -So I met him at the Aquitania and I took him to luncheon at the Ritz -and I told him all about everything. So then he became very, very -depressed because he said that just as soon as he had got me all -educated, I had to go off and get married. But I told him that he -really ought to be very proud of me, because in the future, when he -would see me at luncheon at the Ritz as the wife of the famous Henry H. -Spoffard, I would always bow to him, if I saw him, and he could point -me out to all of his friends and tell them that it was he, Gus Eisman -himself, who educated me up to my station. So that cheered Mr. Eisman -up a lot and I really do not care what he says to his friends, because, -after all, his friends are not in my set, and whatever he says to them -will not get around in my circle. So after our luncheon was all over, I -really think that, even if Mr. Eisman was not so happy, he could not -help having a sort of a feeling of relief, especially when he thinks of -all my shopping. - -So after that came my wedding and all of the Society people in New York -and Philadelphia came to my wedding and they were all so sweet to me, -because practically every one of them has written a senario. And -everybody says my wedding was very, very beautiful. I mean even Dorothy -said it was very beautiful, only Dorothy said she had to concentrate -her mind on the massacre of the Armenians to keep herself from laughing -right out loud in everybody’s face. But that only shows that not even -Matrimony is sacred to a girl like Dorothy. And after the wedding was -over, I overheard Dorothy talking to Mr. Montrose and she was telling -Mr. Montrose that she thought that I would be great in the movies if he -would write me a part that only had three expressions, Joy, Sorrow, and -Indigestion. So I do not really believe that Dorothy is such a true -friend after all. - -So Henry and I did not go on any honeymoon because I told Henry that it -really would be selfish for us to go off alone together, when all of -our activities seemed to need us so much. Because, after all, I have to -spend quite a lot of time with Mr. Montrose going over the senario -together because, Mr. Montrose says I am full of nothing so much as -ideas. - -So, in order to give Henry something to do while Mr. Montrose and I are -working on the senario I got Henry to organize a Welfare League among -all of the extra girls and get them to tell him all of their problems -so he can give them all of his spiritual aid. And it has really been a -very, very great success, because there is not much work going on at -the other studios at present so all of the extra girls have nothing -better to do and they all know that Henry will not give them a job at -our studio unless they belong. So the worse they tell Henry they have -been before they met him, the better he likes it and Dorothy says that -she was at the studio yesterday and she says that if the senarios those -extra girls have written around themselves to tell Henry could only be -screened and gotten past the sensors, the movies would move right up -out of their infancy. - -So Henry says that I have opened up a whole new world for him and he -has never been so happy in his life. And it really seems as if everyone -I know has never been so happy in their lives. Because I make Henry let -his father come to the studio every day because, after all, every -studio has to have somebody who seems to be a pest, and in our case it -might just as well be Henry’s father. So I have given orders to all of -the electricians not to drop any lights on him, but to let him have a -good time because, after all, it is the first one he has had. And as -far as Henry’s mother is concerned, she is having her hair bobbed and -her face lifted and getting ready to play Carmen because she saw a girl -called Madam Calve play it when she was on her honeymoon and she has -always really felt that she could do it better. So I do not discouradge -her, but I let her go ahead and enjoy herself. But I am not going to -bother to speak to the electricians about Henry’s mother. And Henry’s -sister has never been so happy since the Battle of Verdun, because she -has six trucks and 15 horses to look after and she says that the motion -picture profession is the nearest thing to war that she has struck -since the Armistice. And even Dorothy is very happy because Dorothy -says that she has had more laughs this month than Eddie Cantor gets in -a year. But when it comes to Mr. Montrose, I really believe that he is -happier than anybody else, because of all of the understanding and -sympathy he seems to get out of me. - -And so I am very happy myself because, after all, the greatest thing in -life is to always be making everybody else happy. And so, while -everybody is so happy, I really think it is a good time to finish my -diary because after all, I am to busy going over my senarios with Mr. -Montrose, to keep up any other kind of literary work. And I am so busy -bringing sunshine into the life of Henry that I really think, with -everything else I seem to acomplish, it is all a girl had ought to try -to do. And so I really think that I can say good-bye to my diary -feeling that, after all, everything always turns out for the best. - - - - THE END - - - - - - - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK "GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES" *** - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part -of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm -concept and trademark. 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