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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..eccf185 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #66829 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/66829) diff --git a/old/66829-0.txt b/old/66829-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index cc486c6..0000000 --- a/old/66829-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,3798 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes", by Anita Loos - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" - The Illuminating Diary of a Professional Lady - -Author: Anita Loos - -Release Date: November 27, 2021 [eBook #66829] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -Produced by: Jeroen Hellingman and the Online Distributed Proofreading - Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from - images generously made available by The Internet - Archive/American Libraries.) - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK "GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES" *** - - - - “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes” - The Illuminating Diary of a Professional Lady - - By - Anita Loos - - Intimately Illustrated by - RALPH BARTON - - - - NEW YORK - BONI & LIVERIGHT - 1925 - - - - - - - - - To - JOHN EMERSON - - - - - - - - -CONTENTS - - - CHAPTER PAGE - - I. Gentlemen Prefer Blondes 11 - II. Fate Keeps on Happening 39 - III. London Is Really Nothing 63 - IV. Paris Is Devine 93 - V. The Central of Europe 131 - VI. Brains Are Really Everything 175 - - - - - - - - -GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES - - -CHAPTER ONE - -GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES - - -March 16th: - -A gentleman friend and I were dining at the Ritz last evening and he -said that if I took a pencil and a paper and put down all of my -thoughts it would make a book. This almost made me smile as what it -would really make would be a whole row of encyclopediacs. I mean I seem -to be thinking practically all of the time. I mean it is my favorite -recreation and sometimes I sit for hours and do not seem to do anything -else but think. So this gentleman said a girl with brains ought to do -something else with them besides think. And he said he ought to know -brains when he sees them, because he is in the senate and he spends -quite a great deal of time in Washington, d. c., and when he comes into -contract with brains he always notices it. So it might have all blown -over but this morning he sent me a book. And so when my maid brought it -to me, I said to her, “Well, Lulu, here is another book and we have not -read half the ones we have got yet.” But when I opened it and saw that -it was all a blank I remembered what my gentleman acquaintance said, -and so then I realized that it was a diary. So here I am writing a book -instead of reading one. - -But now it is the 16th of March and of course it is to late to begin -with January, but it does not matter as my gentleman friend, Mr. -Eisman, was in town practically all of January and February, and when -he is in town one day seems to be practically the same as the next day. - -I mean Mr. Eisman is in the wholesale button profession in Chicago and -he is the gentleman who is known practically all over Chicago as Gus -Eisman the Button King. And he is the gentleman who is interested in -educating me, so of course he is always coming down to New York to see -how my brains have improved since the last time. But when Mr. Eisman is -in New York we always seem to do the same thing and if I wrote down one -day in my diary, all I would have to do would be to put quotation marks -for all other days. I mean we always seem to have dinner at the Colony -and see a show and go to the Trocadero and then Mr. Eisman shows me to -my apartment. So of course when a gentleman is interested in educating -a girl, he likes to stay and talk about the topics of the day until -quite late, so I am quite fatigued the next day and I do not really get -up until it is time to dress for dinner at the Colony. - -It would be strange if I turn out to be an authoress. I mean at my home -near Little Rock, Arkansas, my family all wanted me to do something -about my music. Because all of my friends said I had talent and they -all kept after me and kept after me about practising. But some way I -never seemed to care so much about practising. I mean I simply could -not sit for hours and hours at a time practising just for the sake of a -career. So one day I got quite tempermental and threw the old mandolin -clear across the room and I have really never touched it since. But -writing is different because you do not have to learn or practise and -it is more tempermental because practising seems to take all the -temperment out of me. So now I really almost have to smile because I -have just noticed that I have written clear across two pages onto March -18th, so this will do for today and tomorrow. And it just shows how -tempermental I am when I get started. - - - -March 19th: - -Well last evening Dorothy called up and Dorothy said she has met a -gentleman who gave himself an introduction to her in the lobby of the -Ritz. So then they went to luncheon and tea and dinner and then they -went to a show and then they went to the Trocadero. So Dorothy said his -name was Lord Cooksleigh but what she really calls him is Coocoo. So -Dorothy said why don’t you and I and Coocoo go to the Follies tonight -and bring Gus along if he is in town? So then Dorothy and I had quite a -little quarrel because every time that Dorothy mentions the subject of -Mr. Eisman she calls Mr. Eisman by his first name, and she does not -seem to realize that when a gentleman who is as important as Mr. -Eisman, spends quite a lot of money educating a girl, it really does -not show reverance to call a gentleman by his first name. I mean I -never even think of calling Mr. Eisman by his first name, but if I want -to call him anything at all, I call him “Daddy” and I do not even call -him “Daddy” if a place seems to be public. So I told Dorothy that Mr. -Eisman would not be in town until day after tomorrow. So then Dorothy -and Coocoo came up and we went to the Follies. - -So this morning Coocoo called up and he wanted me to luncheon at the -Ritz. I mean these foreigners really have quite a nerve. Just because -Coocoo is an Englishman and a Lord he thinks a girl can waste hours on -him just for a luncheon at the Ritz, when all he does is talk about -some exposition he went on to a place called Tibet and after talking -for hours I found out that all they were was a lot of Chinamen. So I -will be quite glad to see Mr. Eisman when he gets in. Because he always -has something quite interesting to talk about, as for instants the last -time he was here he presented me with quite a beautiful emerald -bracelet. So next week is my birthday and he always has some delightful -surprise on holidays. - -I did intend to luncheon at the Ritz with Dorothy today and of course -Coocoo had to spoil it, as I told him that I could not luncheon with -him today, because my brother was in town on business and had the -mumps, so I really could not leave him alone. Because of course if I -went to the Ritz now I would bump into Coocoo. But I sometimes almost -have to smile at my own imagination, because of course I have not got -any brother and I have not even thought of the mumps for years. I mean -it is no wonder that I can write. - -So the reason I thought I would take luncheon at the Ritz was because -Mr. Chaplin is at the Ritz and I always like to renew old -acquaintances, because I met Mr. Chaplin once when we were both working -on the same lot in Hollywood and I am sure he would remember me. -Gentlemen always seem to remember blondes. I mean the only career I -would like to be besides an authoress is a cinema star and I was doing -quite well in the cinema when Mr. Eisman made me give it all up. -Because of course when a gentleman takes such a friendly interest in -educating a girl as Mr. Eisman does, you like to show that you -appreciate it, and he is against a girl being in the cinema because his -mother is authrodox. - - - -March 20th: - -Mr. Eisman gets in tomorrow to be here in time for my birthday. So I -thought it would really be delightful to have at least one good time -before Mr. Eisman got in, so last evening I had some literary gentlemen -in to spend the evening because Mr. Eisman always likes me to have -literary people in and out of the apartment. I mean he is quite anxious -for a girl to improve her mind and his greatest interest in me is -because I always seem to want to improve my mind and not waste any -time. And Mr. Eisman likes me to have what the French people call a -“salo” which means that people all get together in the evening and -improve their minds. So I invited all of the brainy gentlemen I could -think up. So I thought up a gentleman who is the proffessor of all of -the economics up at Columbia College, and the editor who is the famous -editor of the New York Transcript and another gentleman who is a famous -playright who writes very, very famous plays that are all about Life. I -mean anybody would recognize his name but it always seems to slip my -memory because all of we real friends of his only call him Sam. So Sam -asked if he could bring a gentleman who writes novels from England, so -I said yes, so he brought him. And then we all got together and I -called up Gloria and Dorothy and the gentleman brought their own -liquor. So of course the place was a wreck this morning and Lulu and I -worked like proverbial dogs to get it cleaned up, but Heaven knows how -long it will take to get the chandelier fixed. - - - -March 22nd: - -Well my birthday has come and gone but it was really quite depressing. -I mean it seems to me a gentleman who has a friendly interest in -educating a girl like Gus Eisman, would want her to have the biggest -square cut diamond in New York. I mean I must say I was quite -disappointed when he came to the apartment with a little thing you -could hardly see. So I told him I thought it was quite cute, but I had -quite a headache and I had better stay in a dark room all day and I -told him I would see him the next day, perhaps. Because even Lulu -thought it was quite small and she said, if she was I, she really would -do something definite and she said she always believed in the old -addage, “Leave them while you’re looking good.” But he came in at -dinner time with really a very very beautiful bracelet of square cut -diamonds so I was quite cheered up. So then we had dinner at the Colony -and we went to a show and supper at the Trocadero as usual whenever he -is in town. But I will give him credit that he realized how small it -was. I mean he kept talking about how bad business was and the button -profession was full of bolshevicks who make nothing but trouble. -Because Mr. Eisman feels that the country is really on the verge of the -bolshevicks and I become quite worried. I mean if the bolshevicks do -get in, there is only one gentleman who could handle them and that is -Mr. D. W. Griffith. Because I will never forget when Mr. Griffith was -directing Intolerance. I mean it was my last cinema just before Mr. -Eisman made me give up my career and I was playing one of the girls -that fainted at the battle when all of the gentlemen fell off the -tower. And when I saw how Mr. Griffith handled all of those mobs in -Intolerance I realized that he could do anything, and I really think -that the government of America ought to tell Mr. Griffith to get all -ready if the bolshevicks start to do it. - -Well I forgot to mention that the English gentleman who writes novels -seems to have taken quite an interest in me, as soon as he found out -that I was literary. I mean he has called up every day and I went to -tea twice with him. So he has sent me a whole complete set of books for -my birthday by a gentleman called Mr. Conrad. They all seem to be about -ocean travel although I have not had time to more than glance through -them. I have always liked novels about ocean travel ever since I posed -for Mr. Christie for the front cover of a novel about ocean travel by -McGrath because I always say that a girl never really looks as well as -she does on board a steamship, or even a yacht. - -So the English gentleman’s name is Mr. Gerald Lamson as those who have -read his novels would know. And he also sent me some of his own novels -and they all seem to be about middle age English gentlemen who live in -the country over in London and seem to ride bicycles, which seems quite -different from America, except at Palm Beach. So I told Mr. Lamson how -I write down all of my thoughts and he said he knew I had something to -me from the first minute he saw me and when we become better acquainted -I am going to let him read my diary. I mean I even told Mr. Eisman -about him and he is quite pleased. Because of course Mr. Lamson is -quite famous and it seems Mr. Eisman has read all of his novels going -to and fro on the trains and Mr. Eisman is always anxious to meet -famous people and take them to the Ritz to dinner on Saturday night. -But of course I did not tell Mr. Eisman that I am really getting quite -a little crush on Mr. Lamson, which I really believe I am, but Mr. -Eisman thinks my interest in him is more literary. - - - -March 30th: - -At last Mr. Eisman has left on the 20th Century and I must say I am -quite fatigued and a little rest will be quite welcome. I mean I do not -mind staying out late every night if I dance, but Mr. Eisman is really -not such a good dancer so most of the time we just sit and drink some -champagne or have a bite to eat and of course I do not dance with -anyone else when I am out with Mr. Eisman. But Mr. Eisman and Gerry, as -Mr. Lamson wants me to call him, became quite good friends and we had -several evenings, all three together. So now that Mr. Eisman is out of -town at last, Gerry and I are going out together this evening and Gerry -said not to dress up, because Gerry seems to like me more for my soul. -So I really had to tell Gerry that if all the gentlemen were like he -seems to be, Madame Frances’ whole dress making establishment would -have to go out of business. But Gerry does not like a girl to be -nothing else but a doll, but he likes her to bring in her husband’s -slippers every evening and make him forget what he has gone through. - -But before Mr. Eisman went to Chicago he told me that he is going to -Paris this summer on professional business and I think he intends to -present me with a trip to Paris as he says there is nothing so -educational as traveling. I mean it did worlds of good to Dorothy when -she went abroad last spring and I never get tired of hearing her -telling how the merry-go-rounds in Paris have pigs instead of horses. -But I really do not know whether to be thrilled or not because, of -course, if I go to Paris I will have to leave Gerry and both Gerry and -I have made up our minds not to be separated from one another from now -on. - - - -March 31st: - -Last night Gerry and I had dinner at quite a quaint place where we had -roast beef and baked potato. I mean he always wants me to have food -which is what he calls “nourishing” which most gentlemen never seem to -think about. So then we took a hansom cab and drove for hours around -the park because Gerry said the air would be good for me. It is really -very sweet to have some one think of all those things that gentlemen -hardly ever seem to think about. So then we talked quite a lot. I mean -Gerry knows how to draw a girl out and I told him things that I really -would not even put in my diary. So when he heard all about my life he -became quite depressed and we both had tears in our eyes. Because he -said he never dreamed a girl could go through so much as I, and come -out so sweet and not made bitter by it all. I mean Gerry thinks that -most gentlemen are brutes and hardly ever think about a girl’s soul. - -So it seems that Gerry has had quite a lot of trouble himself and he -can not even get married on account of his wife. He and she have never -been in love with each other but she was a suffragette and asked him to -marry her, so what could he do? So we rode all around the park until -quite late talking and philosophizing quite a lot and I finally told -him that I thought, after all, that bird life was the highest form of -civilization. So Gerry calls me his little thinker and I really would -not be surprised if all of my thoughts will give him quite a few ideas -for his novels. Because Gerry says he has never seen a girl of my -personal appearance with so many brains. And he had almost given up -looking for his ideal when our paths seemed to cross each other and I -told him I really thought a thing like that was nearly always the -result of fate. - -So Gerry says that I remind him quite a lot of Helen of Troy, who was -of Greek extraction. But the only Greek I know is a Greek gentleman by -the name of Mr. Georgopolis who is really quite wealthy and he is what -Dorothy and I call a “Shopper” because you can always call him up at -any hour and ask him to go shopping and he is always quite delighted, -which very few gentlemen seem to be. And he never seems to care how -much anything costs. I mean Mr. Georgopolis is also quite cultured, as -I know quite a few gentlemen who can speak to a waiter in French but -Mr. Georgopolis can also speak to a waiter in Greek which very few -gentlemen seem to be able to do. - - - -April 1st: - -I am taking special pains with my diary from now on as I am really -writing it for Gerry. I mean he and I are going to read it together -some evening in front of the fireplace. But Gerry leaves this evening -for Boston as he has to lecture about all of his works at Boston, but -he will rush right back as soon as possible. So I am going to spend all -of my time improving myself while he is gone. And this afternoon we are -both going to a museum on 5th Avenue, because Gerry wants to show me a -very very beautiful cup made by an antique jeweler called Mr. Cellini -and he wants me to read Mr. Cellini’s life which is a very very fine -book and not dull while he is in Boston. - -So the famous playright friend of mine who is called Sam called up this -morning and he wanted me to go to a literary party tonight that he and -some other literary gentlemen are giving to Florence Mills in Harlem -but Gerry does not want me to go with Sam as Sam always insists on -telling riskay stories. But personally I am quite broad minded and I -always say that I do not mind a riskay story as long as it is really -funny. I mean I have a great sense of humor. But Gerry says Sam does -not always select and choose his stories and he just as soon I did not -go out with him. So I am going to stay home and read the book by Mr. -Cellini instead, because, after all, the only thing I am really -interested in, is improving my mind. So I am going to do nothing else -but improve my mind while Gerry is in Boston. I mean I just received a -cable from Willie Gwynn who arrives from Europe tomorrow, but I am not -even going to bother to see him. He is a sweet boy but he never gets -anywhere and I am not going to waste my time on such as him, after -meeting a gentleman like Gerry. - - - -April 2nd: - -I seem to be quite depressed this morning as I always am when there is -nothing to put my mind to. Because I decided not to read the book by -Mr. Cellini. I mean it was quite amuseing in spots because it was -really quite riskay but the spots were not so close together and I -never seem to like to always be hunting clear through a book for the -spots I am looking for, especially when there are really not so many -spots that seem to be so amuseing after all. So I did not waste my time -on it but this morning I told Lulu to let all of the house work go and -spend the day reading a book entitled “Lord Jim” and then tell me all -about it, so that I would improve my mind while Gerry is away. But when -I got her the book I nearly made a mistake and gave her a book by the -title of “The Nigger of the Narcissus” which really would have hurt her -feelings. I mean I do not know why authors cannot say “Negro” instead -of “Nigger” as they have their feelings just the same as we have. - -Well I just got a telegram from Gerry that he will not be back until -tomorrow and also some orchids from Willie Gwynn, so I may as well go -to the theatre with Willie tonight to keep from getting depressed, as -he really is a sweet boy after all. I mean he never really does -anything obnoxious. And it is quite depressing to stay at home and do -nothing but read, unless you really have a book that is worth bothering -about. - - - -April 3rd: - -I was really so depressed this morning that I was even glad to get a -letter from Mr. Eisman. Because last night Willie Gwynn came to take me -to the Follies, but he was so intoxicated that I had to telephone his -club to send around a taxi to take him home. So that left me alone with -Lulu at nine o’clock with nothing to do, so I put in a telephone call -for Boston to talk to Gerry but it never went through. So Lulu tried to -teach me how to play mah jong, but I really could not keep my mind on -it because I was so depressed. So today I think I had better go over to -Madame Frances and order some new evening gowns to cheer me up. - -Well Lulu just brought me a telegram from Gerry that he will be in this -afternoon, but I must not meet him at the station on account of all of -the reporters who always meet him at the station wherever he comes -from. But he says he will come right up to see me as he has something -to talk about. - - - -April 4th: - -What an evening we had last evening. I mean it seems that Gerry is -madly in love with me. Because all of the time he was in Boston -lecturing to the womens clubs he said, as he looked over the faces of -all those club women in Boston, he never realized I was so beautiful. -And he said that there was only one in all the world and that was me. -But it seems that Gerry thinks that Mr. Eisman is terrible and that no -good can come of our friendship. I mean I was quite surprised, as they -both seemed to get along quite well together, but it seems that Gerry -never wants me to see Mr. Eisman again. And he wants me to give up -everything and study French and he will get a divorce and we will be -married. Because Gerry does not seem to like the kind of life all of us -lead in New York and he wants me to go home to papa in Arkansas and he -will send me books to read so that I will not get lonesome there. And -he gave me his uncle’s Masonic ring, which came down from the time of -Soloman and which he never even lets his wife wear, for our engagement -ring, and this afternoon a lady friend of his is going to bring me a -new system she thought up of how to learn French. But some way I still -seem to be depressed. I mean I could not sleep all night thinking of -the terrible things Gerry said about New York and about Mr. Eisman. Of -course I can understand Gerry being jealous of any gentleman friend of -mine and of course I never really thought that Mr. Eisman was Rudolph -Valentino, but Gerry said it made him cringe to think of a sweet girl -like I having a friendship with Mr. Eisman. So it really made me feel -quite depressed. I mean Gerry likes to talk quite a lot and I always -think a lot of talk is depressing and worries your brains with things -you never even think of when you are busy. But so long as Gerry does -not mind me going out with other gentlemen when they have something to -give you mentally, I am going to luncheon with Eddie Goldmark of the -Goldmark Films who is always wanting me to sign a contract to go into -the cinema. Because Mr. Goldmark is madly in love with Dorothy and -Dorothy is always wanting me to go back in the cinema because Dorothy -says that she will go if I will go. - - - -April 6th: - -Well I finally wrote Mr. Eisman that I was going to get married and it -seems that he is coming on at once as he would probably like to give me -his advice. Getting married is really quite serious and Gerry talks to -me for hours and hours about it. I mean he never seems to get tired of -talking and he does not seem to even want to go to shows or dance or do -anything else but talk, and if I don’t really have something definite -to put my mind on soon I will scream. - - - -April 7th: - -Well Mr. Eisman arrived this morning and he and I had quite a long -talk, and after all I think he is right. Because here is the first real -opportunity I have ever really had. I mean to go to Paris and broaden -out and improve my writing, and why should I give it up to marry an -author, where he is the whole thing and all I would be would be the -wife of Gerald Lamson? And on top of that I would have to be dragged -into the scandal of a divorce court and get my name smirched. So Mr. -Eisman said that opportunities come to seldom in a girls life for me to -give up the first one I have really ever had. So I am sailing for -France and London on Tuesday and taking Dorothy with me and Mr. Eisman -says that he will see us there later. So Dorothy knows all of the ropes -and she can get along in Paris just as though she knew French and -besides she knows a French gentleman who was born and raised there, who -speaks it like a native and knows Paris like a book. And Dorothy says -that when we get to London nearly everybody speaks English anyway. So -it is quite lucky that Mr. Lamson is out lecturing in Cincinnati and he -will not be back until Wednesday and I can send him a letter and tell -him that I have to go to Europe now but I will see him later perhaps. -So anyway I will be spared listening to any more of his depressing -conversation. So Mr. Eisman gave me quite a nice string of pearls and -he gave Dorothy a diamond pin and we all went to the Colony for dinner -and we all went to a show and supper at the Trocadero and we all spent -quite a pleasant evening. - - - - - - - - -CHAPTER TWO - -FATE KEEPS ON HAPPENING - - -April 11th: - -Well Dorothy and I are really on the ship sailing to Europe as anyone -could tell by looking at the ocean. I always love the ocean. I mean I -always love a ship and I really love the Majestic because you would not -know it was a ship because it is just like being at the Ritz, and the -steward says the ocean is not so obnoxious this month as it generally -is. So Mr. Eisman is going to meet us next month in Paris because he -has to be there on business. I mean he always says that there is really -no place to see the latest styles in buttons like Paris. - -So Dorothy is out taking a walk up and down the deck with a gentleman -she met on the steps, but I am not going to waste my time going around -with gentlemen because if I did nothing but go around I would not -finish my diary or read good books which I am always reading to improve -my mind. But Dorothy really does not care about her mind and I always -scold her because she does nothing but waste her time by going around -with gentlemen who do not have anything, when Eddie Goldmark of the -Goldmark Films is really quite wealthy and can make a girl delightful -presents. But she does nothing but waste her time and yesterday, which -was really the day before we sailed, she would not go to luncheon with -Mr. Goldmark but she went to luncheon to meet a gentleman called Mr. -Mencken from Baltimore who really only prints a green magazine which -has not even got any pictures in it. But Mr. Eisman is always saying -that every girl does not want to get ahead and get educated like me. - -So Mr. Eisman and Lulu come down to the boat to see me off and Lulu -cried quite a lot. I mean I really believe she could not care any more -for me if she was light and not colored. Lulu has had a very sad life -because when she was quite young a pullman porter fell madly in love -with her. So she believed him and he lured her away from her home to -Ashtabula and deceived her there. So she finally found out that she had -been deceived and she really was broken hearted and when she tried to -go back home she found out that it was to late because her best girl -friend, who she had always trusted, had stolen her husband and he would -not take Lulu back. So I have always said to her she could always work -for me and she is going to take care of the apartment until I get back, -because I would not sublet the apartment because Dorothy sublet her -apartment when she went to Europe last year and the gentleman who -sublet the apartment allowed girls to pay calls on him who were not -nice. - -Mr. Eisman has litereally filled our room with flowers and the steward -has had quite a hard time to find enough vases to put them into. I mean -the steward said he knew as soon as he saw Dorothy and I that he would -have quite a heavy run on vases. And of course Mr. Eisman has sent me -quite a lot of good books as he always does, because he always knows -that good books are always welcome. So he has sent me quite a large -book of Etiquette as he says there is quite a lot of Etiquette in -England and London and it would be a good thing for a girl to learn. So -I am going to take it on the deck after luncheon and read it, because I -would often like to know what a girl ought to do when a gentleman she -has just met, says something to her in a taxi. Of course I always -become quite vexed but I always believe in giving a gentleman another -chance. - -So now the steward tells me it is luncheon time, so I will go upstairs -as the gentleman Dorothy met on the steps has invited us to luncheon in -the Ritz, which is a special dining room on the ship where you can -spend quite a lot of money because they really give away the food in -the other dining room. - - - -April 12th: - -I am going to stay in bed this morning as I am quite upset as I saw a -gentleman who quite upset me. I am not really sure it was the -gentleman, as I saw him at quite a distants in the bar, but if it -really is the gentleman it shows that when a girl has a lot of fate in -her life it is sure to keep on happening. So when I thought I saw this -gentleman I was with Dorothy and Major Falcon, who is the gentleman -Dorothy met on the steps, and Major Falcon noticed that I became upset, -so he wanted me to tell him what was the matter, but it is really so -terrible that I would not want to tell anyone. So I said good night to -Major Falcon and I left him with Dorothy and I went down to our room -and did nothing but cry and send the steward for some champagne to -cheer me up. I mean champagne always makes me feel philosophical -because it makes me realize that when a girl’s life is as full of fate -as mine seems to be, there is nothing else to do about it. So this -morning the steward brought me my coffee and quite a large pitcher of -ice water so I will stay in bed and not have any more champagne until -luncheon time. - -Dorothy never has any fate in her life and she does nothing but waste -her time and I really wonder if I did right to bring her with me and -not Lulu. I mean she really gives gentlemen a bad impression as she -talks quite a lot of slang. Because when I went up yesterday to meet -she and Major Falcon for luncheon, I overheard her say to Major Falcon -that she really liked to become intoxicated once in a “dirty” while. -Only she did not say intoxicated, but she really said a slang word that -means intoxicated and I am always having to tell her that “dirty” is a -slang word and she really should not say “dirty.” - -Major Falcon is really quite a delightful gentleman for an Englishman. -I mean he really spends quite a lot of money and we had quite a -delightful luncheon and dinner in the Ritz until I thought I saw the -gentleman who upset me and I am so upset I think I will get dressed and -go up on the deck and see if it really is the one I think it is. I mean -there is nothing else for me to do as I have finished writing in my -diary for today and I have decided not to read the book of Ettiquette -as I glanced through it and it does not seem to have anything in it -that I would care to know because it wastes quite a lot of time telling -you what to call a Lord and all the Lords I have met have told me what -to call them and it is generally some quite cute name like Coocoo whose -real name is really Lord Cooksleigh. So I will not waste my time on -such a book. But I wish I did not feel so upset about the gentleman I -think I saw. - - - -April 13th: - -It really is the gentleman I thought I saw. I mean when I found out it -was the gentleman my heart really stopped. Because it all brought back -things that anybody does not like to remember, no matter who they are. -So yesterday when I went up on the deck to see if I could see the -gentleman and see if it really was him, I met quite a delightful -gentleman who I met once at a party called Mr. Ginzberg. Only his name -is not Mr. Ginzberg any more because a gentleman in London called Mr. -Battenburg, who is some relation to some king, changed his name to Mr. -Mountbatten which Mr. Ginzberg says really means the same thing after -all. So Mr. Ginsberg changed his name to Mr. Mountginz which he really -thinks is more aristocratic. So we walked around the deck and we met -the gentleman face to face and I really saw it was him and he really -saw it was me. I mean his face became so red it was almost a picture. -So I was so upset I said good-bye to Mr. Mountginz and I started to -rush right down to my room and cry. But when I was going down the -steps, I bumped right into Major Falcon who noticed that I was upset. -So Major Falcon made me go to the Ritz and have some champagne and tell -him all about it. - -So then I told Major Falcon about the time in Arkansas when Papa sent -me to Little Rock to study how to become a stenographer. I mean Papa -and I had quite a little quarrel because Papa did not like a gentleman -who used to pay calls on me in the park and Papa thought it would do me -good to get away for awhile. So I was in the business colledge in -Little Rock for about a week when a gentleman called Mr. Jennings paid -a call on the business colledge because he wanted to have a new -stenographer. So he looked over all we colledge girls and he picked me -out. So he told our teacher that he would help me finish my course in -his office because he was only a lawyer and I really did not have to -know so much. So Mr. Jennings helped me quite a lot and I stayed in his -office about a year when I found out that he was not the kind of a -gentleman that a young girl is safe with. I mean one evening when I -went to pay a call on him at his apartment, I found a girl there who -really was famous all over Little Rock for not being nice. So when I -found out that girls like that paid calls on Mr. Jennings I had quite a -bad case of histerics and my mind was really a blank and when I came -out of it, it seems that I had a revolver in my hand and it seems that -the revolver had shot Mr. Jennings. - -So this gentleman on the boat was really the District Attorney who was -at the trial and he really was quite harsh at the trial and he called -me names that I would not even put in my diary. Because everyone at the -trial except the District Attorney was really lovely to me and all the -gentlemen in the jury all cried when my lawyer pointed at me and told -them that they practically all had had either a mother or a sister. So -the jury was only out three minutes and then they came back and -acquitted me and they were all so lovely that I really had to kiss all -of them and when I kissed the judge he had tears in his eyes and he -took me right home to his sister. I mean it was when Mr. Jennings -became shot that I got the idea to go into the cinema, so Judge Hibbard -got me a ticket to Hollywood. So it was Judge Hibbard who really gave -me my name because he did not like the name I had because he said a -girl ought to have a name that ought to express her personality. So he -said my name ought to be Lorelei which is the name of a girl who became -famous for sitting on a rock in Germany, So I was in Hollywood in the -cinema when I met Mr. Eisman and he said that a girl with my brains -ought not to be in the cinema but she ought to be educated, so he took -me out of the cinema so he could educate me. - -So Major Falcon was really quite interested in everything I talked -about, because he said it was quite a co-instance because this District -Attorney, who is called Mr. Bartlett, is now working for the government -of America and he is on his way to a place called Vienna on some -business for Uncle Sam that is quite a great secret and Mr. Falcon -would like very much to know what the secret is, because the Government -in London sent him to America especially to find out what it was. Only -of course Mr. Bartlett does not know who Major Falcon is, because it is -such a great secret, but Major Falcon can tell me, because he knows who -he can trust. So Major Falcon says he thinks a girl like I ought to -forgive and forget what Mr. Bartlett called me and he wants to bring us -together and he says he thinks Mr. Bartlett would talk to me quite a -lot when he really gets to know me and I forgive him for that time in -Little Rock. Because it would be quite romantic for Mr. Bartlett and I -to become friendly, and gentlemen who work for Uncle Sam generally like -to become romantic with girls. So he is going to bring us together on -the deck after dinner tonight and I am going to forgive him and talk -with him quite a lot, because why should a girl hold a grudge against a -gentleman who had to do it. So Major Falcon brought me quite a large -bottle of perfume and a quite cute imitation of quite a large size dog -in the little shop which is on board the boat. I mean Major Falcon -really knows how to cheer a girl up quite a lot and so tonight I am -going to make it all up with Mr. Bartlett. - - - -April 14th: - -Well Mr. Bartlett and I made it all up last night and we are going to -be the best of friends and talk quite a lot. So when I went down to my -room quite late Major Falcon came down to see if I and Mr. Bartlett -were really going to be friends because he said a girl with brains like -I ought to have lots to talk about with a gentleman with brains like -Mr. Bartlett who knows all of Uncle Sam’s secrets. - -So I told Major Falcon how Mr. Bartlett thinks that he and I seem to be -like a play, because all the time he was calling me all those names in -Little Rock he really thought I was. So when he found out that I turned -out not to be, he said he always thought that I only used my brains -against gentlemen and really had quite a cold heart. But now he thinks -I ought to write a play about how he called me all those names in -Little Rock and then, after seven years, we became friendly. - -So I told Major Falcon that I told Mr. Bartlett I would like to write -the play but I really did not have time as it takes quite a lot of time -to write my diary and read good books. So Mr. Bartlett did not know -that I read books which is quite a co-instance because he reads them -to. So he is going to bring me a book of philosophy this afternoon -called “Smile, Smile, Smile” which all the brainy senators in -Washington are reading which cheers you up quite a lot. - -So I told Major Falcon that having a friendship with Mr. Barlett was -really quite enervating because Mr. Bartlett does not drink anything -and the less anybody says about his dancing the better. But he did ask -me to dine at his table, which is not in the Ritz and I told him I -could not, but Major Falcon told me I ought to, but I told Major Falcon -that there was a limit to almost everything. So I am going to stay in -my room until luncheon and I am going to luncheon in the Ritz with Mr. -Mountginz who really knows how to treat a girl. - -Dorothy is up on the deck wasting quite a lot of time with a gentleman -who is only a tennis champion. So I am going to ring for the steward -and have some champagne which is quite good for a person on a boat. The -steward is really quite a nice boy and he has had quite a sad life and -he likes to tell me all about himself. I mean it seems that he was -arrested in Flatbush because he promised a gentleman that he would -bring him some very very good scotch and they mistook him for a -bootlegger. So it seems they put him in a prison and they put him in a -cell with two other gentlemen who were very, very famous burglars. I -mean they really had their pictures in all the newspapers and everybody -was talking about them. So my steward, whose real name is Fred, was -very very proud to be in the same cell with such famous burglars. So -when they asked him what he was in for, he did not like to tell them -that he was only a bootlegger, so he told them that he set fire to a -house and burned up quite a large family in Oklahoma. So everything -would have gone alright except that the police had put a dictaphone in -the cell and used it all against him and he could not get out until -they had investigated all the fires in Oklahoma. So I always think that -it is much more educational to talk to a boy like Fred who has been -through a lot and really suffered than it is to talk to a gentleman -like Mr. Bartlett. But I will have to talk to Mr. Bartlett all -afternoon as Major Falcon has made an appointment for me to spend the -whole afternoon with him. - - - -April 15th: - -Last night there was quite a maskerade ball on the ship which was -really all for the sake of charity because most of the sailors seem to -have orphans which they get from going on the ocean when the sea is -very rough. So they took up quite a collection and Mr. Bartlett made -quite a long speech in favor of orphans especially when their parents -are sailors. Mr. Bartlett really likes to make speeches quite a lot. I -mean he even likes to make speeches when he is all alone with a girl -when they are walking up and down a deck. But the maskerade ball was -quite cute and one gentleman really looked almost like an imitation of -Mr. Chaplin. So Dorothy and I really did not want to go to the ball but -Mr. Bartlett bought us two scarfs at the little store which is on the -ship so we tied them around our hips and everyone said we made quite a -cute Carmen. So Mr. Bartlett and Major Falcon and the tennis champion -were the Judges. So Dorothy and I won the prizes. I mean I really hope -I do not get any more large size imitations of a dog as I have three -now and I do not see why the Captain does not ask Mr. Cartier to have a -jewelry store on the ship as it is really not much fun to go shopping -on a ship with gentlemen, and buy nothing but imitations of dogs. - -So after we won the prizes I had an engagement to go up on the top of -the deck with Mr. Bartlett as it seems he likes to look at the -moonlight quite a lot. So I told him to go up and wait for me and I -would be up later as I promised a dance to Mr. Mountginz. So he asked -me how long I would be dancing till, but I told him to wait up there -and he would find out. So Mr. Mountginz and I had quite a delightful -dance and champagne until Major Falcon found us. Because he was looking -for me and he said I really should not keep Mr. Bartlett waiting. So I -went up on the deck and Mr. Bartlett was up there waiting for me and it -seems that he really is madly in love with me because he did not sleep -a wink since we became friendly. Because he never thought that I really -had brains but now that he knows it, it seems that he has been looking -for a girl like me for years, and he said that really the place for me -when he got back home was Washington d. c. where he lives. So I told -him I thought a thing like that was nearly always the result of fate. -So he wanted me to get off the ship tomorrow at France and take the -same trip that he is taking to Vienna as it seems that Vienna is in -France and if you go on to England you go to far. But I told him that I -could not because I thought that if he was really madly in love with me -he would take a trip to London instead. But he told me that he had -serious business in Vienna that was a very, very great secret. But I -told him I did not believe it was business but that it really was some -girl, because what business could be so important? So he said it was -business for the United States government at Washington and he could -not tell anybody what it was. So then we looked at the moonlight quite -a lot. So I told him I would go to Vienna if I really knew it was -business and not some girl, because I could not see how business could -be so important. So then he told me all about it. So it seems that -Uncle Sam wants some new aeroplanes that everybody else seems to want, -especially England, and Uncle Sam has quite a clever way to get them -which is to long to put in my diary. So we sat up and saw the sun rise -and I became quite stiff and told him I would have to go down to my -room because, after all, the ship lands at France today and I said if I -got off the boat at France to go to Vienna with him I would have to -pack up. - -So I went down to my room and went to bed. So then Dorothy came in and -she was up on the deck with the tennis champion but she did not notice -the sun rise as she really does not love nature but always wastes her -time and ruins her clothes even though I always tell her not to drink -champagne out of a bottle on the deck of the ship as it lurches quite a -lot. So I am going to have luncheon in my room and I will send a note -to Mr. Bartlett to tell him I will not be able to get off the boat at -France to go to Vienna with him as I have quite a headache, but I will -see him sometime somewhere else. So Major Falcon is going to come down -at 12 and I have got to thinking over what Mr. Bartlett called me at -Little Rock and I am quite upset. I mean a gentleman never pays for -those things but a girl always pays. So I think I will tell Major -Falcon all about the airoplane business as he really wants to know. -And, after all I do not think Mr. Bartlett is a gentleman to call me -all those names in Little Rock even if it was seven years ago. I mean -Major Falcon is always a gentleman and he really wants to do quite a -lot for us in London. Because he knows the Prince of Wales and he -thinks that Dorothy and I would like the Prince of Wales once we had -really got to meet him. So I am going to stay in my room until Mr. -Bartlett gets off the ship at France, because I really do not seem to -care if I never see Mr. Bartlett again. - -So tomorrow we will be at England bright and early. And I really feel -quite thrilled because Mr. Eisman sent me a cable this morning, as he -does every morning, and he says to take advantage of everybody we meet -as traveling is the highest form of education. I mean Mr. Eisman is -always right and Major Falcon knows all the sights in London including -the Prince of Wales so it really looks like Dorothy and I would have -quite a delightful time in London. - - - - - - - - -CHAPTER THREE - -LONDON IS REALLY NOTHING - - -April 17th: - -Well, Dorothy and I are really at London. I mean we got to London on -the train yesterday as the boat does not come clear up to London but it -stops on the beach and you have to take a train. I mean everything is -much better in New York, because the boat comes right up to New York -and I am really beginning to think that London is not so educational -after all. But I did not tell Mr. Eisman when I cabled him last night -because Mr. Eisman really sent me to London to get educated and I would -hate to tell him that London is a failure because we know more in New -York. - -So Dorothy and I came to the Ritz and it is delightfully full of -Americans. I mean you would really think it was New York because I -always think that the most delightful thing about traveling is to -always be running into Americans and to always feel at home. - -So yesterday Dorothy and I went down to luncheon at the Ritz and we saw -a quite cute little blond girl at the next table and I nudged Dorothy -under the table, because I do not think it is nice to nudge a person on -top of the table as I am trying to teach good manners to Dorothy. So I -said “That is quite a cute little girl so she must be an American -girl.” And sure enough she called the head-waiter with quite an -American accent and she was quite angry and she said to him, I have -been coming to this hotel for 35 years and this is the first time I -have been kept waiting. So I recognized her voice because it was really -Fanny Ward. So we asked her to come over to our table and we were all -three delighted to see each other. Because I and Fanny have known each -other for about five years but I really feel as if I knew her better -because mama knew her 45 years ago when she and mama used to go to -school together and mama used to always follow all her weddings in all -the newspapers. So now Fanny lives in London and is famous for being -one of the cutest girls in London. I mean Fanny is almost historical, -because when a girl is cute for 50 years it really begins to get -historical. - -So if mama did not die of hardening of the arterys she and Fanny and I -could have quite a delightful time in London as Fanny loves to shop. So -we went shopping for hats and instead of going to the regular shop we -went to the childrens department and Fanny and I bought some quite cute -hats as childrens hats only cost half as much and Fanny does it all the -time. I mean Fanny really loves hats and she buys some in the -children’s department every week, so she really saves quite a lot of -money. - -So we came back to the Ritz to meet Major Falcon because Major Falcon -invited us to go to tea with him at a girls house called Lady Shelton. -So Major Falcon invited Fanny to go with us to, but she was sorry -because she had to go to her music lesson. - -So at Lady Sheltons house we met quite a few people who seemed to be -English. I mean some of the girls in London seem to be Ladies which -seems to be the opposite of a Lord. And some who are not Ladies are -honorable. But quite a few are not Ladies or honorable either, but are -just like us, so all you have to call them is “Miss.” So Lady Shelton -was really delighted to have we Americans come to her house. I mean she -took Dorothy and I into the back parlor and tried to sell us some shell -flowers she seems to make out of sea shells for 25 pounds. So we asked -her how much it was in money and it seems it is 125 dollars. I mean I -am really going to have a quite hard time in London with Dorothy -because she really should not say to an English lady what she said. I -mean she should not say to an English lady that in America we use -shells the same way only we put a dry pea under one of them and we call -it a game. But I told Lady Shelton we really did not need any shell -flowers. So Lady Shelton said she knew we Americans loved dogs so she -would love us to meet her mother. - -So then she took Dorothy and Major Falcon and I to her mother’s house -which was just around the corner from her house. Because her mother -seems to be called a Countess and raise dogs. So her mother was having -a party too, and she seemed to have quite red hair and quite a lot of -paint for such an elderly lady. So the first thing she asked us was she -asked us if we bought some shell flowers from her daughter. So we told -her no. But she did not seem to act like a Countess of her elderly age -should act. Because she said, “You were right my dears—don’t let my -daughter stick you—they fall apart in less than a week.” So then she -asked us if we would like to buy a dog. I mean I could not stop Dorothy -but she said “How long before the dogs fall apart?” But I do not think -the Countess acted like a Countess ought to act because she laughed -very, very loud and she said that Dorothy was really priceless and she -grabbed Dorothy and kissed her and held her arm around her all the -time. I mean I really think that a Countess should not encouradge -Dorothy or else she is just as unrefined as Dorothy seems to be. But I -told the Countess that we did not need any dog. - -So then I met quite a delightful English lady who had a very, very -beautiful diamond tiara in her hand bag because she said that she -thought some Americans would be at the party and it was really a very, -very great bargain. I mean I think a diamond tiara is delightful -because it is a place where I really never thought of wearing diamonds -before, and I thought I had almost one of everything until I saw a -diamond tiara. The English lady who is called Mrs. Weeks said it was in -her family for years but the good thing about diamonds is they always -look new. So I was really very intreeged and I asked her how much it -cost in money and it seems it was $7,500. - -So then I looked around the room and I noticed a gentleman who seemed -to be quite well groomed. So I asked Major Falcon who he was and he -said he was called Sir Francis Beekman and it seems he is very, very -wealthy. So then I asked Major Falcon to give us an introduction to one -another and we met one another and I asked Sir Francis Beekman if he -would hold my hat while I could try on the diamond tiara because I -could wear it backwards with a ribbon, on account of my hair being -hobbed, and I told Sir Francis Beekman that I really thought it looked -quite cute. So he thought it did to, but he seemed to have another -engagement. So the Countess came up to me and she is really very -unrefined because she said to me “Do not waste your time on him” -because she said that whenever Sir Francis Beekman spent a haypenny the -statue of a gentleman called Mr. Nelson took off his hat and bowed. I -mean some people are so unrefined they seem to have unrefined thoughts -about everything. - -So I really have my heart set on the diamond tiara and I became quite -worried because Mrs. Weeks said she was going to a delightful party -last night that would be full of delightful Americans and it would be -snaped up. So I was so worried that I gave her 100 dollars and she is -going to hold the diamond tiara for me. Because what is the use of -traveling if you do not take advantadge of oportunities and it really -is quite unusual to get a bargain from an English lady. So last night I -cabled Mr. Eisman and I told Mr. Eisman that he does not seem to how -know much it costs to get educated by traveling and I said I really -would have to have $10,000 and I said I hoped I would not have to -borrow the money from some strange English gentleman, even if he might -be very very good looking. So I really could not sleep all night -because of all of my worrying because if I do not get the money to buy -the diamond tiara it may be a quite hard thing to get back $100 from an -English lady. - -So now I must really get dressed as Major Falcon is going to take -Dorothy and I to look at all the sights in London. But I really think -if I do not get the diamond tiara my whole trip to London will be quite -a failure. - - - -April 18th: - -Yesterday was quite a day and night. I mean Major Falcon came to take -Dorothy and I to see all the sights in London. So I thought it would be -delightful if we had another gentleman and I made Major Falcon call up -Sir Francis Beekman. I mean I had a cable from Mr. Eisman which told me -he could not send me 10,000 dollars but he would send me 1000 dollars -which really would not be a drop in the bucket for the diamond tiara. -So Sir Francis Beekman said that he could not come but I teased him and -teased him over the telephone so he finally said he would come. - -So Major Falcon drives his own car so Dorothy sat with him and I sat -with Sir Francis Beekman but I told him that I was not going to call -him Sir Francis Beekman but I was really going to call him Piggie. - -In London they make a very, very great fuss over nothing at all. I mean -London is really nothing at all. For instants, they make a great fuss -over a tower that really is not even as tall as the Hickox building in -Little Rock Arkansas and it would only make a chimney on one of our -towers in New York. So Sir Francis Beekman wanted us to get out and -look at the tower because he said that quite a famous Queen had her -head cut off there one morning and Dorothy said “What a fool she was to -get up that morning” and that is really the only sensible thing that -Dorothy has said in London. So we did not bother to get out. - -So we did not go to any more sights because they really have delicious -champagne cocktails at a very very smart new restaurant called the Cafe -de Paris that you could not get in New York for neither love or money -and I told Piggie that when you are travelling you really ought to take -advantadges of what you can not do at home. - -So while Dorothy and I were in the Cafe de Paris powdering our nose in -the lady’s dressing room we met an American girl who Dorothy knew in -the Follies, but now she is living in London. So she told us all about -London. So it seems the gentlemen in London have quite a quaint custom -of not giving a girl many presents. I mean the English girls really -seem to be satisfied with a gold cigaret holder or else what they call -a ‘bangle’ which means a bracelet in English which is only gold and -does not have any stones in it which American girls would really give -to their maid. So she said you could tell what English gentlemen were -like when you realize that not even English ladys could get anything -out of them. So she said Sir Francis Beekman was really famous all over -London for not spending so much money as most English gentlemen. So -then Dorothy and I said goodbye to Dorothy’s girl friend and Dorothy -said, “Lets tell our two boy friends that we have a headache and go -back to the Ritz, where men are Americans.” Because Dorothy said that -the society of a gentleman like Sir Francis Beekman was to great a -price to pay for a couple of rounds of champagne cocktails. But I told -Dorothy that I always believe that there is nothing like trying and I -think it would be nice for an American girl like I to educate an -English gentleman like Piggie, as I call Sir Francis Beekman. - -So then we went back to the table and I almost have to admit that -Dorothy is in the right about Piggie because he really likes to talk -quite a lot and he is always talking about a friend of his who was -quite a famous King in London called King Edward. So Piggie said he -would never never forget the jokes King Edward was always saying and he -would never forget one time they were all on a yacht and they were all -sitting at a table and King Edward got up and said “I don’t care what -you gentlemen do—I’m going to smoke a cigar.” So then Piggie laughed -very, very loud. So of course I laughed very, very loud and I told -Piggie he was wonderful the way he could tell jokes. I mean you can -always tell when to laugh because Piggie always laughs first. - -So in the afternoon a lot of lady friends of Mrs. Weeks heard about me -buying the diamond tiara and called us up and asked us to their house -to tea so Dorothy and I went and we took a gentleman Dorothy met in the -lobby who is very, very good looking but he is only an English ballroom -dancer in a cafe when he has a job. - -So we went to tea to a lady’s house called Lady Elmsworth and what she -has to sell we Americans seems to be a picture of her father painted in -oil paint who she said was a whistler. But I told her my own father was -a whistler and used to whistle all of the time and I did not even have -a picture of him but every time he used to go to Little Rock I asked -him to go to the photographers but he did not go. - -So then we met a lady called Lady Chizzleby that wanted us to go to her -house to tea but we told her that we really did not want to buy -anything. But she said that she did not have anything to sell but she -wanted to borrow five pounds. So we did not go and I am really glad -that Mr. Eisman did not come to London as all the English ladys would -ask him to tea and he would have a whole ship load of shell flowers and -dogs and anteek pictures that do nobody any good. - -So last night Piggie and I and Dorothy and the dancer who is called -Gerald went to the Kit Kat Club as Gerald had nothing better to do -because he is out of a job. So Dorothy and I had quite a little quarrel -because I told Dorothy that she was wasting quite a lot of time going -with any gentleman who is out of a job but Dorothy is always getting to -really like somebody and she will never learn how to act. I mean I -always seem to think that when a girl really enjoys being with a -gentleman, it puts her to quite a disadvantage and no real good can -come of it. - -Well tonight is going to be quite a night because Major Falcon is going -to take Dorothy and I to a dance at a lady’s house tonight to meet the -Prince of Wales. And now I must get ready to see Piggie because he and -I seem to be getting to be quite good friends even if he has not sent -me any flowers yet. - - - -April 19th: - -Last night we really met the Prince of Wales. I mean Major Falcon -called for Dorothy and I at eleven and took us to a ladys house where -the lady was having a party. The Prince of Wales is really wonderful. I -mean even if he was not a prince he would be wonderful, because even if -he was not a prince, he would be able to make his living playing the -ukelele, if he had a little more practice. So the lady came up to me -and told me that the Prince of Wales would like to meet me, so she gave -us an introduction to one another and I was very very thrilled when he -asked me for a dance. So I decided I would write down every word he -said to me in my diary so I could always go back and read it over and -over when I am really old. So then we started to dance and I asked him -if he was still able to be fond of horses, and he said he was. So after -our dance was all over he asked Dorothy for a dance but Dorothy will -never learn how to act in front of a prince. Because she handed me her -fan and she said “Hold this while I slip a new page into English -histry,” right in front of the Prince of Wales. So I was very very -worried while Dorothy was dancing with the Prince of Wales because she -talked to the Prince of Wales all the time and when she got through the -Prince of Wales wrote some of the slang words she is always saying on -his cuff, so if he tells the Queen some day to be ‘a good Elk’ or some -other slang word Dorothy is always saying, the Queen will really blame -me for bringing such a girl into English society. So when Dorothy came -back we had quite a little quarrel because Dorothy said that since I -met the Prince of Wales I was becoming too English. But really, I mean -to say, I often remember papa back in Arkansas and he often used to say -that his grandpa came from a place in England called Australia, so -really, I mean to say, it is no wonder that the English seems to come -out of me sometimes. Because if a girl seems to have an English accent -I really think it is quite jolly. - - - -April 20th: - -Yesterday afternoon I really thought I ought to begin to educate Piggie -how to act with a girl like American gentlemen act with a girl. So I -asked him to come up to have tea in our sitting room in the hotel -because I had quite a headache. I mean I really look quite cute in my -pink negligay. So I sent out a bell hop friend of Dorothy and I who is -quite a nice boy who is called Harry and who we talk to quite a lot. So -I gave Harry ten pounds of English money and I told him to go to the -most expensive florist and to buy some very very expensive orchids for -10 pounds and to bring them to our sitting room at fifteen minutes past -five and not to say a word but to say they were for me. So Piggie came -to tea and we were having tea when Harry came in and he did not say a -word but he gave me a quite large box and he said it was for me. So I -opened the box and sure enough they were a dozen very very beautiful -orchids. So I looked for a card, but of course there was no card so I -grabbed Piggie and I said I would have to give him quite a large hug -because it must have been him. But he said it was not him. But I said -it must be him because I said that there was only one gentleman in -London who was so sweet and generous and had such a large heart to send -a girl one dozen orchids like him. So he still said it was not him. But -I said I knew it was him, because there was not a gentleman in London -so really marvelous and so wonderful and such a marvelous gentleman to -send a girl one dozen orchids every day as him. So I really had to -apologize for giving him such a large hug but I told him I was so full -of impulses that when I knew he was going to send me one dozen orchids -every day I became so impulsive I could not help it! - -So then Dorothy and Gerald came in and I told them all about what a -wonderful gentleman Piggie turned out to be and I told them when a -gentleman sent a girl one dozen orchids every day he really reminded me -of a prince. So Piggie blushed quite a lot and he was really very very -pleased and he did not say any more that it was not him. So then I -started to make a fuss over him and I told him he would have to look -out because he was really so good looking and I was so full of impulses -that I might even lose my mind some time and give him a kiss. So Piggie -really felt very very good to be such a good looking gentleman. So he -could not help blushing all the time and he could not help grinning all -the time from one ear to another. So he asked us all to dinner and then -he and Gerald went to change their clothes for dinner. So Dorothy and I -had quite a little quarrel after they went because Dorothy asked me -which one of the Jesse James brothers was my father. But I told her I -was not so unrefined that I would waste my time with any gentleman who -was only a ballroom dancer when he had a job. So Dorothy said Gerald -was a gentleman because he wrote her a note and it had a crest. So I -told her to try and eat it. So then we had to get dressed. - -So this morning Harry, the boy friend of ours who is the bell hop, -waked me up at ten o’clock because he had a box of one dozen orchids -from Piggie. So by the time Piggie pays for a few dozen orchids, the -diamond tiara will really seem like quite a bargain. Because I always -think that spending money is only just a habit and if you get a -gentleman started on buying one dozen orchids at a time he really gets -very good habits. - - - -April 21st: - -Well, yesterday afternoon I took Piggie shopping on a street called -Bond Street. So I took him to a jewelery store because I told him I had -to have a silver picture frame because I had to have a picture of him -to go in it. Because I told Piggie that when a girl gets to know such a -good looking gentleman as him she really wants to have a picture of him -on her dressing table where she can look at it a lot. So Piggie became -quite intreeged. So we looked at all the silver picture frames. But -then I told him that I really did not think a silver picture frame was -good enough for a picture of him because I forgot that they had gold -picture frames until I saw them. So then we started to look at the gold -picture frames. So then it came out that his picture was taken in his -unaform. So I said he must be so good looking in his unaform that I -really did not think even the gold picture frames were good enough but -they did not have any platinum picture frames so we had to buy the best -one we could. - -So then I asked him if he could put on his unaform tomorrow because I -would love to see him in his unaform and we could go to tea at Mrs. -Weeks. So he really became very pleased because he grinned quite a lot -and he said that he would. So then I said that poor little I would -really look like nothing at all to be going out with him in his -georgous unaform. So then we started to look at some bracelets but a -lady friend of his who is quite friendly with his wife, who is in their -country house in the country, came in to the store, so Piggie became -quite nervous to be caught in a jewelery store where he has not been -for years and years, so we had to go out. - -This morning Gerald called up Dorothy and he said that day after -tomorrow they are having a theatrical garden party to sell things to -people for charity so he asked if Dorothy and I would be one of the -ones who sells things to people for charity. So we said we would. - -So now I must telephone Mrs. Weeks and say I will bring Sir Francis -Beekman to tea tomorrow and I hope it all comes out all right. But I -really wish Piggie would not tell so many storys. I mean I do not mind -a gentleman when he tells a great many storys if they are new, but a -gentleman who tells a great many storys and they are all the same -storys is quite enervating. I mean London is really so uneducational -that all I seem to be learning is some of Piggies storys and I even -want to forget them. So I am really becoming jolly well fed up with -London. - - - -April 22nd: - -Yesterday Piggie came in his unaform but he was really quite upset -because he had a letter. I mean his wife is coming to London because -she always comes to London every year to get her old clothes made over -as she has a girl who does it very very cheap. So she is going to stay -with the lady who saw us in the jewelery store, because it always saves -money to stay with a friend. So I wanted to cheer Piggie up so I told -him that I did not think the lady saw us and if she did see us, she -really could not believe her eyes to see him in a jewelery store. But I -did not tell him that I think that Dorothy and I had better go to Paris -soon. Because, after all, Piggie’s society is beginning to tell on a -girls nerves. But I really made Piggie feel quite good about his -unaform because I told him I only felt fit to be with him in a diamond -tiara. So then I told him that, even if his wife was in London, we -could still be friends, because I could not help but admire him even if -his wife was in London and I told him I really thought a thing like -that was nearly always the result of fate. So then we went to tea at -Mrs. Weeks. So Piggie arranged with Mrs. Weeks to pay her for the -diamond tiara and she nearly fell dead but she will keep it a secret -because no one would believe it anyway. So now I have the diamond tiara -and I have to admit that everything always turns out for the best. But -I promised Piggie that I would always stay in London and we would -always be friendly. Because Piggie always says that I am the only one -who admires him for what he really is. - - - -April 25th: - -Well, we were so busy the last days I did not have time to write in my -diary because now we are on a ship that seems to be quite a small ship -to be sailing to Paris and we will be at Paris this afternoon. Because -it does not take nearly so long to come to Paris as it does to come to -London. I mean it seems quite unusual to think that it takes 6 days to -come to London and only one day to come to Paris. - -So Dorothy is quite upset because she did not want to come as she is -madly in love with Gerald and Gerald said that we really ought not to -leave London without going to see England while we happened to be here. -But I told him that if England was the same kind of a place that London -seems to be, I really know to much to bother with such a place. I mean -we had quite a little quarrel because Gerald showed up at the station -with a bangle for Dorothy so I told Dorothy she was well rid of such a -person. So Dorothy had to come with me because Mr. Eisman is paying her -expenses because he wants Dorothy to be my chaperone. - -So the last thing in London was the garden party. I sold quite a lot of -red baloons and I sold a red baloon to Harry Lauder the famous Scotch -gentleman who is the famous Scotch tenor for 20 pounds. So Dorothy said -I did not need to buy any ticket to Paris on the boat because if I -could do that, I could walk across the channel. - -So Piggy does not know that we have gone but I sent him a letter and -told him I would see him some time again some time. And I was really -glad to get out of our rooms at the Ritz—I mean 50 or 60 orchids really -make a girl think of a funeral. So I cabled Mr. Eisman and I told him -we could not learn anything in London because we knew to much, so if we -went to Paris at least we could learn French, if we made up our mind to -it. - -So I am really very very intreeged as I have heard so much about Paris -and I feel that it must be much more educational than London and I can -hardly wait to see the Ritz hotel in Paris. - - - - - - - - -CHAPTER FOUR - -PARIS IS DEVINE - - -April 27th: - -Paris is devine. I mean Dorothy and I got to Paris yesterday, and it -really is devine. Because the French are devine. Because when we were -coming off the boat, and we were coming through the customs, it was -quite hot and it seemed to smell quite a lot and all the French -gentlemen in the customs, were squealing quite a lot. So I looked -around and I picked out a French gentleman who was really in a very -gorgeous uniform and he seemed to be a very, very important gentleman -and I gave him twenty francs worth of French money and he was very very -gallant and he knocked everybody else down and took our bags right -through the custom. Because I really think that twenty Francs is quite -cheap for a gentleman that has got on at least $100 worth of gold braid -on his coat alone, to speak nothing of his trousers. - -I mean the French gentlemen always seem to be squealing quite a lot, -especially taxi drivers when they only get a small size yellow dime -called a ‘fifty santeems’ for a tip. But the good thing about French -gentlemen is that every time a French gentleman starts in to squeal, -you can always stop him with five francs, no matter who he is. I mean -it is so refreshing to listen to a French gentleman stop squeaking, -that it would really be quite a bargain even for ten francs. - -So we came to the Ritz Hotel and the Ritz Hotel is devine. Because when -a girl can sit in a delightful bar and have delicious champagne -cocktails and look at all the important French people in Paris, I think -it is devine. I mean when a girl can sit there and look at the Dolly -sisters and Pearl White and Maybelle Gilman Corey, and Mrs. Nash, it is -beyond worlds. Because when a girl looks at Mrs. Nash and realizes what -Mrs. Nash has got out of gentlemen, it really makes a girl hold her -breath. - -And when a girl walks around and reads all of the signs with all of the -famous historical names it really makes you hold your breath. Because -when Dorothy and I went on a walk, we only walked a few blocks but in -only a few blocks we read all of the famous historical names, like Coty -and Cartier and I knew we were seeing something educational at last and -our whole trip was not a failure. I mean I really try to make Dorothy -get educated and have reverance. So when we stood at the corner of a -place called the Place Vandome, if you turn your back on a monument -they have in the middle and look up, you can see none other than Coty’s -sign. So I said to Dorothy, does it not really give you a thrill to -realize that that is the historical spot where Mr. Coty makes all the -perfume? So then Dorothy said that she supposed Mr. Coty came to Paris -and he smelled Paris and he realized that something had to be done. So -Dorothy will really never have any reverance. - -So then we saw a jewelry store and we saw some jewelry in the window -and it really seemed to be a very very great bargain but the price -marks all had francs on them and Dorothy and I do not seem to be -mathematical enough to tell how much francs is in money. So we went in -and asked and it seems it was only 20 dollars and it seems it is not -diamonds but it is a thing called “paste” which is the name of a word -which means imitations. So Dorothy said “paste” is the name of the word -a girl ought to do to a gentleman that handed her one. I mean I would -really be embarrassed, but the gentleman did not seem to understand -Dorothy’s english. - -So it really makes a girl feel depressed to think a girl could not tell -that it was nothing but an imitation. I mean a gentleman could deceeve -a girl because he could give her a present and it would only be worth -20 dollars. So when Mr. Eisman comes to Paris next week, if he wants to -make me a present I will make him take me along with him because he is -really quite an inveteran bargain hunter at heart. So the gentleman at -the jewelry store said that quite a lot of famous girls in Paris had -imitations of all their jewelry and they put the jewelry in the safe -and they really wore the imitations, so they could wear it and have a -good time. But I told him I thought that any girl who was a lady would -not even think of having such a good time that she did not remember to -hang on to her jewelry. - -So then we went back to the Ritz and unpacked our trunks with the aid -of really a delightful waiter who brought us up some delicious luncheon -and who is called Leon and who speaks english almost like an American -and who Dorothy and I talk to quite a lot. So Leon said that we ought -not to stay around the Ritz all of the time, but we really ought to see -Paris. So Dorothy said she would go down in the lobby and meet some -gentleman to show us Paris. So in a couple of minutes she called up on -the telephone from the lobby and she said “I have got a French bird -down here who is a French title nobleman, who is called a veecount so -come on down.” So I said “How did a Frenchman get into the Ritz.” So -Dorothy said “He came in to get out of the rain and he has not noticed -that it is stopped.” So I said “I suppose you have picked up something -without taxi fare as usual. Why did you not get an American gentleman -who always have money?” So Dorothy said she thought a French gentleman -had ought to know Paris better. So I said “He does not even know it is -not raining.” But I went down. - -So the veecount was really delightful after all. So then we rode around -and we saw Paris and we saw how devine it really is. I mean the Eyefull -Tower is devine and it is much more educational than the London Tower, -because you can not even see the London Tower if you happen to be two -blocks away. But when a girl looks at the Eyefull Tower she really -knows she is looking at something. And it would even be very difficult -not to notice the Eyefull Tower. - -So then we went to a place called the Madrid to tea and it really was -devine. I mean we saw the Dolley Sisters and Pearl White and Mrs. Corey -and Mrs. Nash all over again. - -So then we went to dinner and then we went to Momart and it really was -devine because we saw them all over again. I mean in Momart they have -genuine American jazz bands and quite a lot of New York people which we -knew and you really would think you were in New York and it was devine. -So we came back to the Ritz quite late. So Dorothy and I had quite a -little quarrel because Dorothy said that when we were looking at Paris -I asked the French veecount what was the name of the unknown soldier -who is buried under quite a large monument. So I said I really did not -mean to ask him, if I did, because what I did mean to ask him was, what -was the name of his mother because it is always the mother of a dead -soldier that I always seem to think about more than the dead soldier -that has died. - -So the French veecount is going to call up in the morning but I am not -going to see him again. Because French gentlemen are really quite -deceeving. I mean they take you to quite cute places and they make you -feel quite good about yourself and you really seem to have a delightful -time but when you get home and come to think it all over, all you have -got is a fan that only cost 20 francs and a doll that they gave you -away for nothing in a restaurant. I mean a girl has to look out in -Paris, or she would have such a good time in Paris that she would not -get anywheres. So I really think that American gentlemen are the best -after all, because kissing your hand may make you feel very very good -but a diamond and safire bracelet lasts forever. Besides, I do not -think that I ought to go out with any gentlemen in Paris because Mr. -Eisman will be here next week and he told me that the only kind of -gentlemen he wants me to go out with are intelectual gentlemen who are -good for a girls brains. So I really do not seem to see many gentlemen -around the Ritz who seem to look like they would be good for a girl’s -brains. So tomorrow we are going to go shopping and I suppose it would -really be to much to expect to find a gentleman who would look to Mr. -Eisman like he was good for a girls brains and at the same time he -would like to take us shopping. - - - -April 29th: - -Yesterday was quite a day. I mean Dorothy and I were getting ready to -go shopping and the telephone rang and they said that Lady Francis -Beekman was down stairs and she wanted to come up stairs. So I really -was quite surprised. I mean I did not know what to say, so I said all -right. So then I told Dorothy and then we put our brains together. -Because it seems that Lady Francis Beekman is the wife of the gentleman -called Sir Francis Beekman who was the admirer of mine in London who -seemed to admire me so much that he asked me if he could make me a -present of a diamond tiara. So it seemed as if his wife must have heard -about it, and it really seemed as if she must have come clear over from -London about it. So there was a very very loud knock at the door so we -asked her to come in. So Lady Francis Beekman came in and she is a -quite large size lady who seems to resemble Bill Hart quite a lot. I -mean Dorothy thinks that Lady Francis Beeckman resembles Bill Hart -quite a lot, only she really thinks she looks more like Bill Hart’s -horse. So it seems that she said that if I did not give her back the -diamond tiara right away, she would make quite a fuss and she would -ruin my reputation. Because she said that something really must be -wrong about the whole thing. Because it seems that Sir Francis Beekman -and she have been married for 35 years and the last present he gave to -her was a wedding ring. So Dorothy spoke up and she said “Lady you -could no more ruin my girl friends reputation than you could sink the -Jewish fleet.” I mean I was quite proud of Dorothy the way she stood up -for my reputation. Because I really think that there is nothing so -wonderful as two girls when they stand up for each other and help each -other a lot. Because no matter how vigarous Lady Francis Beekman seems -to be, she had to realize that she could not sink a whole fleet full of -ships. So she had to stop talking against my reputation. - -So then she said she would drag it into the court and she would say -that it was undue influence. So I said to her, “If you wear that hat -into a court, we will see if the judge thinks it took an undue -influence to make Sir Francis Beekman look at a girl.” So then Dorothy -spoke up and Dorothy said “My girl friend is right, Lady. You have got -to be the Queen of England to get away with a hat like that.” So Lady -Francis Beekman seemed to get quite angry. So then she said she would -send for Sir Francis Beekman where he suddenly went to Scotland, to go -hunting when he found out that Lady Francis Beekman had found out. So -Dorothy said “Do you mean that you have left Sir Francis Beekman loose -with all those spendthrifts down in Scotland?” So Dorothy said she -would better look out or he would get together with the boys some night -and simply massacre a haypenny. I mean I always encouradge Dorothy to -talk quite a lot when we are talking to unrefined people like Lady -Francis Beekman, because Dorothy speaks their own languadge to -unrefined people better than a refined girl like I. So Dorothy said, -“You had better not send for Sir Francis Beekman because if my girl -friend really wanted to turn loose on Sir Francis Beekman, all he would -have left would be his title.” So then I spoke right up and said Yes -that I was an American girl and we American girls do not care about a -title because we American girls always say that what is good enough for -Washington is good enough for us. So Lady Francis Beekman really seemed -to get more angry and more angry all of the time. - -So then she said that if it was necessary, she would tell the judge -that Sir Francis Beekman went out of his mind when he gave it to me. So -Dorothy said “Lady, if you go into a court and if the judge gets a good -look at you, he will think that Sir Francis Beekman was out of his mind -35 years ago.” So then Lady Francis Beekman said she knew what kind of -a person she had to deal with and she would not deal with any such a -person because she said it hurt her dignity. So Dorothy said “Lady, if -we hurt your dignity like you hurt our eyesight I hope for your sake, -you are a Christian science.” So that seemed to make Lady Francis -Beekman angry. So she said she would turn it all over to her soliciter. -So when she went out she tripped over quite a long train which she had -on her skirt and she nearly fell down. So Dorothy leaned out of the -door and Dorothy called down the hall and said, “Take a tuck in that -skirt Isabel, its 1925.” So I really felt quite depressed because I -felt as if our whole morning was really very unrefined just because we -had to mix with such an unrefined lady as Lady Francis Beekman. - - - -April 30th: - -So sure enough yesterday morning Lady Francis Beekman’s solicitor came. -Only he really was not a solicitor, but his name was on a card and it -seems his name is Mons. Broussard and it seems that he is an advocat -because an advocat is a lawyer in the French landguage. So Dorothy and -I were getting dressed and we were in our negligay as usual when there -was quite a loud knock on the door and before we could even say come in -he jumped right into the room. So it seems that he is of French -extraction. I mean Lady Francis Beekman’s solicitor can really squeal -just like a taxi driver. I mean he was squealing quite loud when he -jumped into the room and he kept right on squealing. So Dorothy and I -rushed into the parlor and Dorothy looked at him and Dorothy said, -“This town has got to stop playing jokes on us every morning” because -our nerves could not stand it. So Mons. Broussard handed us his card -and he squealed and squealed and he really waved his arms in the air -quite a lot. So Dorothy said He gives quite a good imitation of the -Moulan Rouge, which is really a red wind mill, only Dorothy said he -makes more noise and he runs on his own wind. So we stood and watched -him for quite a long while, but he seemed to get quite monotonous after -quite a long while because he was always talking in French, which -really means nothing to us. So Dorothy said “Lets see if 25 francs will -stop him, because if 5 francs will stop a taxi driver, 25 francs ought -to stop an advocat.” Because he was making about 5 times as much noise -as a taxi driver and 5 times 5 is 25. So as soon as he heard us start -in to talk about francs he seemed to calm down quite a little. So -Dorothy got her pocket book and she gave him 25 francs. So then he -stopped squealing and he put it in his pocket, but then he got out -quite a large size handkerchief with purple elefants on it and he -started in to cry. So Dorothy really got discouraged and she said, -“Look here, you have given us a quite an amusing morning but if you -keep that up much longer, wet or dry, out you go.” - -So then he started in to pointing at the telephone and he seemed to -want to use the telephone and Dorothy said, “If you think you can get a -number over that thing, go to it, but as far as we have found out, it -is a wall bracket.” So then he started in to telephone so Dorothy and I -went about our business to get dressed. So when he finished telephoning -he kept running to my door and then he kept running to Dorothy’s door, -and he kept on crying and talking a lot, but he seemed to have lost all -of his novelty to us so we paid no more attention to him. - -So finally there was another loud knock on the door so we heard him -rush to the door so we both went in to the parlor to see what it was -and it really was a sight. Because it was another Frenchman. So the new -Frenchman rushed in and he yelled Papa and he kissed him. So it seems -that it was his son because his son is really his papa’s partner in the -advocat business. So then his papa talked quite a lot and then he -pointed at I and Dorothy. So then his son looked at us and then his son -let out quite a large size squeal, and he said in French “May papa, -elles sont sharmant.” So it seems he was telling his papa in French -that we were really charming. So then Mons. Broussard stopped crying -and put on his glasses and took a good look at us. So then his son put -up the window shade, so his papa could get a better look at us. So when -his papa had finished looking at us he really became delighted. So he -became all smiles and he pinched our cheeks and he kept on saying -Sharmant all of the time because Sharmant means charming in the French -languadge. So then his son broke right out into english and he really -speaks english as good as an American. So then he told us his papa -telephoned for him to come over because we did not seem to understand -what his papa was saying to us. So it seems that Mons. Broussard had -been talking to us in english all of the time but we did not seem to -understand his kind of english. So Dorothy said, “If what your papa was -talking in was english, I could get a gold medal for my greek.” So then -his son told his papa and his papa laughed very very loud and he -pinched Dorothys cheek and he was very delighted even if the joke was -on him. So then Dorothy and I asked his son what he was saying, when he -was talking to us in english and his son said he was telling us all -about his client, Lady Francis Beekman. So then we asked his son why -his papa kept crying. So then his son said his papa kept crying because -he was thinking about Lady Francis Beekman. So Dorothy said, “If he -cries when he thinks about her, what does he do when he looks at her?” -So then his son explained to his papa what Dorothy said. So then Mons. -Broussard laughed very very loud, so then he kissed Dorothy’s hand, so -he said, after that, we would all really have to have a bottle of -champagne. So he went to the telephone and ordered a bottle of -champagne. - -So then his son said to his papa, “Why do we not ask the charming -ladies to go out to Fountainblo to-day.” So his papa said it would be -charming. So then I said, “How are we going to tell you gentlemen -apart, because if it is the same in Paris as it is in America, you -would both seem to be Monshure Broussard.” So then we got the idea to -call them by their first name. So it seems that his son’s name is Louie -so Dorothy spoke up and said, “I hear that they number all of you -Louies over here in Paris.” Because a girl is always hearing some one -talk about Louie the sixteenth who seemed to be in the anteek furniture -business. I mean I was surprised to hear Dorothy get so historical so -she may really be getting educated in spite of everything. But Dorothy -told Louie he need not try to figure out his number because she got it -the minute she looked at him. So it seems his papa’s name is Robber, -which means Robert in French. So Dorothy started in to think about her -25 francs and she said to Robber, “Your mother certainly knew her -grammer when she called you that.” - -So Dorothy said we might as well go out to Fountainblo with Louie and -Robber if Louie would take off his yellow spats that were made out of -yellow shammy skin with pink pearl buttons. Because Dorothy said, “Fun -is fun but no girl wants to laugh all of the time.” So Louie is really -always anxious to please, so he took off his spats but when he took off -his spats, we saw his socks and when we saw his socks we saw that they -were Scotch plaid with small size rainbows running through them. So -Dorothy looked at them a little while and she really became quite -discouraged and she said, “Well Louie, I think you had better put your -spats back on.” - -So then Leon, our friend who is the waiter, came in with the bottle of -champagne. So while he was opening the bottle of champagne Louie and -Robber talked together in French quite a lot and I really think I had -ought to find out what they said in French because it might be about -the diamond tiara. Because French gentlemen are very very gallant, but -I really do not think a girl can trust one of them around a corner. So, -when I get a chance, I am going to ask Leon what they said. - -So then we went to Fountainblo and then we went to Momart and we got -home very late, and we really had quite a delightful day and night, -even if we did not go out shopping and buy anything. But I really think -we ought to do more shopping because shopping really seems to be what -Paris is principaly for. - - - -May 1st: - -Well this morning I sent for Leon, who is Dorothy and my waiter friend, -and I asked him what Louie and Robber said in French. So it seems that -they said in French that we seemed to attract them very very much -because they really thought that we were very very charming, and they -had not met girls that were so charming in quite a long time. So it -seems that they said that they would ask us out a lot and that they -would charge up all the bills to Lady Francis Beekman because they -would watch for their chance and they would steal the diamond tiara. So -then they said that even if they could not steal it from us, we were -really so charming that it would be delightful to go around with us, -even if they could not steal from us. So no matter what happens they -really could not lose. Because it seems that Lady Francis Beekman would -be glad to pay all the bills when they told her they had to take us out -a lot so they could watch for their chance and steal it. Because Lady -Francis Beekman is the kind of a wealthy lady that does not spend money -on anything else but she will always spend money on a law suit. And she -really would not mind spending the money because it seems that -something either I or Dorothy said to Lady Francis Beekman seemed to -make her angry. - -So then I decided it was time to do some thinking and I really thought -quite a lot. So I told Dorothy I thought I would put the real diamond -tiara in the safe at the Ritz and then I would buy an imitation of a -diamond tiara at the jewelry store that has the imitations that are -called paste. So then I would leave the imitation of the diamond tiara -lying around, so Louie and Robber could see how careless I seem to be -with it so then they would get full of encouradgement. So when we go -out with Louie and Robber I could put it in my hand bag and I could -take it with me so Louie and Robber could always feel that the diamond -tiara was within reach. So then Dorothy and I could get them to go -shopping and we could get them to spend quite a lot and every time they -seemed to get discouradged, I could open my hand bag, and let them get -a glimpse of the imitation of a diamond tiara and they would become -more encouradged and then they would spend some more money. Because I -even might let them steal it at the last, because they were really -charming gentlemen after all and I really would like to help Louie and -Robber. I mean it would be quite amusing for them to steal it for Lady -Francis Beekman and she would have to pay them quite a lot and then she -would find out it was only made out of paste after all. Because Lady -Francis Beekman has never seen the real diamond tiara and the imitation -of a diamond tiara would really deceive her, at least until Louie and -Robber got all of their money for all of the hard work they did. I mean -the imitation of a diamond tiara would only cost about 65 dollars and -what is 65 dollars if Dorothy and I could do some delightful shopping -and get some delightful presents that would even seem more delightful -when we stopped to realize that Lady Francis Beekman paid for them. And -it would teach Lady Francis Beekman a lesson not to say what she said -to two American girls like I and Dorothy, who were all alone in Paris -and had no gentleman to protect them. - -So when I got through telling Dorothy what I thought up, Dorothy looked -at me and looked at me and she really said she thought my brains were a -miracle. I mean she said my brains reminded her of a radio because you -listen to it for days and days and you get discouradged and just when -you are getting ready to smash it, something comes out that is a -masterpiece. - -So then Louie called us up so Dorothy told him that we thought it would -be delightful if he and Robber would take us out shopping tomorrow -morning. So then Louie asked his papa and his papa said they would. So -then they asked us if we would like to go to see a play called The -Foley Bergere tonight. So he said that all of the French people who -live in Paris are always delighted to have some Americans, so it will -give them an excuse to go to the Foley Bergere. So we said we would go. -So now Dorothy and I are going out shopping to buy the imitation of a -diamond tiara and we are going out window shopping to pick out where we -would like Louie and Robber to take us shopping tomorrow. - -So I really think that everything always works out for the best. -Because after all, we really need some gentlemen to take us around -until Mr. Eisman gets to Paris and we could not go around with any -really attractive gentlemen because Mr. Eisman only wants me to go out -with gentlemen that have brains. So I said to Dorothy that, even if -Louie and Robber do not look so full of brains, we could tell Mr. -Eisman that all we were learning from them was French. So even if I -have not seemed to learn French yet, I have really almost learned to -understand Robbers english so when Robber talks in front of Mr. Eisman -and I seem to understand what he is saying, Mr. Eisman will probably -think I know French. - - - -May 2nd: - -So last night we went to the Foley Bergere and it really was devine. I -mean it was very very artistic because it had girls in it that were in -the nude. So one of the girls was a friend of Louie and he said that -she was a very very nice girl, and that she was only 18 years of age. -So Dorothy said, “She is slipping it over on you Louie, because how -could a girl get such dirty knees in only 18 years?” So Louie and -Robber really laughed very very loud. I mean Dorothy was very unrefined -at the Foley Bergere. But I always think that when girls are in the -nude it is very artistic and if you have artistic thoughts you think it -is beautiful and I really would not laugh in an artistic place like the -Foley Bergere. - -So I wore the imitation of a diamond tiara to the Foley Bergere. I mean -it really would deceeve an expert and Louie and Robber could hardly -take their eyes off of it. But they did not really annoy me because I -had it tied on very very tight. I mean it would be fatal if they got -the diamond tiara before Dorothy and I took them shopping a lot. - -So we are all ready to go shopping this morning and Robber was here -bright and early and he is in the parlor with Dorothy and we are -waiting for Louie. So I left the daimond tiara on the table in the -parlor so Robber could see how careless I really am with everything but -Dorothy is keeping her eye on Robber. So I just heard Louie come in -because I heard him kissing Robber. I mean Louie is always kissing -Robber and Dorothy told Louie that if he did not stop kissing Robber, -people would think that he painted batiks. - -So now I must join the others and I will put the diamond tiara in my -hand bag so that Louie and Robber will feel that it is always around -and we will all go shopping. And I almost have to smile when I think of -Lady Francis Beekman. - - - -May 3rd: - -Yesterday was really delightful. I mean Louie and Robber bought Dorothy -and I some delightful presents. But then they began to run out of all -the franks they had with them, so they began to get discouradged but -just as soon as they began to get discouradged, I gave Robber my hand -bag to hold while I went to the fitting room to try on a blouse. So he -was cheered up quite a lot, but of course Dorothy stayed with them and -kept her eye on Robber so he did not get a chance. But it really -cheered him up quite a lot to even hold it. - -So after all their franks were gone, Robber said he would have to -telephone to some one, so I suppose he telephoned to Lady Francis -Beekman and she must have said All right because Robber left us at a -place called the Cafe de la Paix because he had to go on an errand and -when he came back from his errand he seemed to have quite a lot more -franks. So then they took us to luncheon so that after luncheon we -could go out shopping some more. - -But I am really learning quite a lot of French in spite of everything. -I mean if you want delicious chicken and peas for luncheon all you have -to say is “pettypas” and “pulle.” I mean French is really very easy, -for instance the French use the word “sheik” for everything, while we -only seem to use it for gentlemen when they seem to resemble Rudolf -Valentino. - -So while we were shopping in the afternoon I saw Louie get Dorothy off -in a corner and whisper to her quite a lot. So then I saw Robber get -her off in a corner and whisper to her quite a lot. So when we got back -to the Ritz, Dorothy told me why they whispered to her. So it seems -when Louie whispered to Dorothy, Louie told Dorothy that if she would -steal the diamond tiara from me and give it to him and not let his papa -know, he would give her 1000 franks. Because it seems that Lady Francis -Beekman has got her heart set on it and she will pay quite a lot for it -because she is quite angry and when she really gets as angry as she is, -she is only a woman with one idea. So if Louie could get it and his -papa would not find it out, he could keep all the money for himself. So -it seems that later on, when Robber was whispering to Dorothy, he was -making her the same proposition for 2000 franks so that Louie would not -find out and Robber could keep all the money for himself. So I really -think it would be delightful if Dorothy could make some money for -herself because it might make Dorothy get some ambishions. So tomorrow -morning Dorothy is going to take the diamond tiara and she is going to -tell Louie that she stole it and she is going to sell it to Louie. But -she will make him hand over the money first and then, just as she is -going to hand over the diamond tiara, I am going to walk in on them and -say, “Oh there is my diamond tiara. I have been looking for it -everywhere.” So then I will get it back. So then she will tell him that -she might just as well keep the 1000 franks because she will steal it -for him again in the afternoon. So in the afternoon she is going to -sell it to Robber and I really think we will let Robber keep it. -Because I am quite fond of Robber. I mean he is quite a sweet old -gentleman and it is really refreshing the way he and his son love one -another. Because even if it is unusual for an American to see a French -gentleman always kissing his father, I really think it is refreshing -and I think that we Americans would be better off if we American -fathers and sons would love one another more like Louie and Robber. - -So Dorothy and I have quite a lot of delightful hand bags and stockings -and handkerchiefs and scarfs and things and some quite cute models of -evening gowns that are all covered with imitations of diamonds, only -they do not call them “paste” when they are on a dress but they call -them “diamonteys” and I really think a girl looks quite cute when she -is covered all over with “diamonteys.” - - - -May 5th: - -So yesterday morning Dorothy sold the imitation of a diamond tiara to -Louie. So then we got it back. So in the afternoon we all went out to -Versigh. I mean Louie and Robber were quite delighted not to go -shopping any more so I suppose that Lady Francis Beekman really thinks -that there is a limit to almost everything. So I took Louie for a walk -at Versigh so that Dorothy would have a chance to sell it to Robber. So -then she sold it to Robber. So then he put it in his pocket. But when -we were coming home I got to thinking things over and I really got to -thinking that an imitation of a diamond tiara was quite a good thing to -have after all. I mean especially if a girl goes around a lot in Paris, -with admirers who are of the French extraction. And after all, I really -do not think a girl ought to encouradge Robber to steal something from -two American girls who are all alone in Paris and have no gentleman to -protect them. So I asked Dorothy which pocket Robber put it in, so I -sat next to him in the automobile coming home and I took it out. - -So we were in quite a quaint restaurant for dinner when Robber put his -hand in his pocket and then he started in to squeal once more. So it -seems he had lost something, so he and Louie had one of their regular -squealing and shoulder shrugging matches. But Louie told his papa that -he did not steal it out of his papa’s pocket. But then Robber started -in to cry to think that his son would steal something out of his own -papa’s pocket. So after Dorothy and I had had about all we could stand, -I told them all about it. I mean I really felt sorry for Robber so I -told him not to cry any more because it was nothing but paste after -all. So then I showed it to them. So then Louie and Robber looked at -Dorothy and I and they really held their breath. So I suppose that most -of the girls in Paris do not have such brains as we American girls. - -So after it was all over, Louie and Robber seemed to be so depressed -that I really felt sorry for them. So I got an idea. So I told them -that we would all go out tomorrow to the imitation of a jewelry store -and they could buy another imitation of a diamond tiara to give to Lady -Francis Beekman and they could get the man in the jewelry store to put -on the bill that it was a hand bag and they could charge the bill to -Lady Francis Beekman along with the other expenses. Because Lady -Francis Beekman had never seen the real diamond tiara anyway. So -Dorothy spoke up and Dorothy said that as far as Lady Francis Beekman -would know about diamonds, you could nick off a piece of ice and give -it to her, only it would melt. So then Robber looked at me and looked -at me, and he reached over and kissed me on the forehead in a way that -was really full of reverance. - -So then we had quite a delightful evening. I mean because we all seem -to understand one another because, after all, Dorothy and I could -really have a platonick friendship with gentlemen like Louie and -Robber. I mean there seems to be something common between us, -especially when we all get to thinking about Lady Francis Beekman. - -So they are going to charge Lady Francis Beekman quite a lot of money -when they give her the imitation of a diamond tiara and I told Robber -if she seems to complane, to ask her, if she knew that Sir Francis -Beekman sent me 10 pounds worth of orchids every day while we were in -London. So that would make her so angry that she would be glad to pay -almost anything to get the diamond tiara. - -So when Lady Francis Beekman pays them all the money, Louie and Robber -are going to give us a dinner in our honor at Ciros. So when Mr. Eisman -gets here on Saturday, Dorothy and I are going to make Mr. Eisman give -Louie and Robber a dinner in their honor at Ciros because of the way -they helped us when we were two American girls all alone in Paris and -could not even speak the French landguage. - -So Louie and Robber asked us to come to a party at their sister’s house -today but Dorothy says we had better not go because it is raining and -we both have brand new umbrellas that are quite cute and Dorothy says -she would not think of leaving a brand new umbrella in a French lady’s -hall and it is no fun to hang on to an umbrella all the time you are at -a party. So we had better be on the safe side and stay away. So we -called up Louie and told him we had a headache but we thanked him for -all of his hospitality. Because it is the way all the French people -like Louie and Robber are so hospitable to we Americans that really -makes Paris so devine. - - - - - - - - -CHAPTER FIVE - -THE CENTRAL OF EUROPE - - -May 16th: - -I really have not written in my diary for quite a long time, because -Mr. Eisman arrived in Paris and when Mr. Eisman is in Paris we really -do not seem to do practically anything else but the same thing. - -I mean we go shopping and we go to a show and we go to Momart and when -a girl is always going with Mr. Eisman nothing practically happens. And -I did not even bother to learn any more French because I always seem to -think it is better to leave French to those that can not do anything -else but talk French. So finally Mr. Eisman seemed to lose quite a lot -of interest in all of my shopping. So he heard about a button factory -that was for sale quite cheaply in Vienna and as Mr. Eisman is in the -button profession, he thought it would be a quite good thing to have a -button factory in Vienna so he went to Vienna and he said he did not -care if he did not ever see the rue de la Paix again. So he said if he -thought Vienna would be good for a girl’s brains, he would send for -Dorothy and I and we could meet him at Vienna and learn something. -Because Mr. Eisman really wants me to get educated more than anything -else, especially shopping. - -So now we have a telegram, and Mr. Eisman says in the telegram for -Dorothy and I to take an oriental express because we really ought to -see the central of Europe because we American girls have quite a lot to -learn in the central of Europe. So Dorothy says if Mr. Eisman wants us -to see the central of Europe she bets there is not a rue de la Paix in -the whole central of Europe. - -So Dorothy and I are going to take an oriental express tomorrow and I -really think it is quite unusual for two American girls like I and -Dorothy to take an oriental express all alone, because it seems that in -the Central of Europe they talk some other kinds of landguages which we -do not understand besides French. But I always think that there is -nearly always some gentleman who will protect two American girls like I -and Dorothy who are all alone and who are traveling in the Central of -Europe to get educated. - - - -May 17th: - -So now we are on an oriental express and everything seems to be quite -unusual. I mean Dorothy and I got up this morning and we looked out of -the window of our compartment and it was really quite unusual. Because -it was farms, and we saw quite a lot of girls who seemed to be putting -small size hay stacks onto large size hay stacks while their husbands -seemed to sit at a table under quite a shady tree and drink beer. Or -else their husbands seemed to sit on a fence and smoke their pipe and -watch them. So Dorothy and I looked at two girls who seemed to be -ploughing up all of the ground with only the aid of a cow and Dorothy -said, “I think we girls have gone one step to far away from New York, -because it begins to look to me as if the Central of Europe is no -country for we girls.” So we both became quite worried. I mean I became -quite depressed because if this is what Mr. Eisman thinks we American -girls ought to learn I really think it is quite depressing. So I do not -think we care to meet any gentlemen who have been born and raised in -the Central of Europe. I mean the more I travel and the more I seem to -see other gentlemen the more I seem to think of American gentlemen. - -So now I am going to get dressed and go to the dining car and look for -some American gentleman and hold a conversation, because I really feel -so depressed. I mean Dorothy keeps trying to depress me because she -keeps saying that I will probably end up in a farm in the Central of -Europe doing a sister act with a plough. Because Dorothy’s jokes are -really very unrefined and I think that I will feel much better if I go -to the dining car and have some luncheon. - - - -Well I went to the dining car and I met a gentleman who was quite a -delightful American gentleman, I mean it was quite a co-instance, -because we girls have always heard about Henry Spoffard and it was -really nobody else but the famous Henry Spoffard, who is the famous -Spoffard family, who is a very very fine old family who is very very -wealthy. I mean Mr. Spoffard is one of the most famous familys in New -York and he is not like most gentlemen who are wealthy, but he works -all of the time for the good of the others. I mean he is the gentleman -who always gets his picture in all of the newspapers because he is -always senshuring all of the plays that are not good for peoples -morals. And all of we girls remember the time when he was in the Ritz -for luncheon and he met a gentleman friend of his and the gentleman -friend had Peggy Hopkins Joyce to luncheon and he introduced Peggy -Hopkins Joyce to Mr. Spoffard and Mr. Spoffard turned on his heels and -walked away. Because Mr. Spoffard is a very very famous Prespyterian -and he is really much to Prespyterian to meet Peggy Hopkins Joyce. I -mean it is unusual to see a gentleman who is such a young gentleman as -Mr. Spoffard be so Prespyterian, because when most gentlemen are 35 -years of age their minds nearly always seem to be on something else. - -So when I saw no one else but the famous Mr. Spoffard I really became -quite thrilled. Because all of we girls have tried very hard to have an -introduction to Henry Spoffard and it was quite unusual to be shut up -on a train in the Central of Europe with him. So I thought it would be -quite unusual for a girl like I to have a friendship with a gentleman -like Mr. Spoffard, who really does not even look at a girl unless she -at least looks like a Prespyterian. And I mean our family in Little -Rock were really not so Prespyterians. - -So I thought I would sit at his table. So then I had to ask him about -all of the money because all of the money they use in the Central of -Europe has not even got so much sense to it as the kind of franks they -use in Paris. Because it seems to be called kronens and it seems to -take quite a lot of them because it takes 50,000 of them to even buy a -small size package of cigarettes and Dorothy says if the cigarettes had -tobacco in them, we couldn’t lift enough kronens over a counter to pay -for a package. So this morning Dorothy and I asked the porter to bring -us a bottle of champagne and we really did not know what to give him -for a tip. So Dorothy said for me to take one of the things called a -one million kronens and she would take one of them called a one million -kronens and I would give him mine first and if he gave me quite a dirty -look, she would give him hers. So after we paid for the bottle of -champagne I gave him my one million kronens and before we could do -anything else he started in to grabbing my hand and kissing my hand and -getting down on his knees. So we finally had to push him right out of -the compartment. So one million kronens seemed to be enough. So I told -Mr. Spoffard how we did not know what to give the porter when he -brought us our bottle of minral water. So then I asked him to tell me -all about all of the money because I told him I always seem to think -that a penny earned was a penny saved. So it really was quite unusual -because Mr. Spoffard said that that was his favorite motto. - - - -So then we got to talking quite a lot and I told him that I was -traveling to get educated and I told him I had a girl with me who I was -trying to reform because I thought if she would put her mind more on -getting educated, she would get more reformed. Because after all Mr. -Spoffard will have to meet Dorothy sooner or later and he might wonder -what a refined girl like I was doing with a girl like Dorothy. So Mr. -Spoffard really became quite intreeged. Because Mr. Spoffard loves to -reform people and he loves to senshure everything and he really came -over to Europe to look at all the things that Americans come over to -Europe to look at, when they really should not look at them but they -should look at all of the museums instead. Because if that is all we -Americans come to Europe to look at, we should stay home and look at -America first. So Mr. Spoffard spends all of his time looking at things -that spoil peoples morals. So Mr. Spoffard really must have very very -strong morals or else all the things that spoil other peoples morals -would spoil his morals. But they do not seem to spoil Mr. Spoffards -morals and I really think it is wonderful to have such strong morals. -So I told Mr. Spoffard that I thought that civilization is not what it -ought to be and we really ought to have something else to take its -place. - -So Mr. Spoffard said that he would come to call on Dorothy and I in our -compartment this afternoon and we would talk it all over, if his mother -does not seem to need him in her compartment. Because Mr. Spoffards -mother always travels with Mr. Spoffard and he never does anything -unless he tells his mother all about it, and asks his mother if he -ought to. So he told me that that is the reason he has never got -married, because his mother does not think that all of the flappers we -seem to have nowadays are what a young man ought to marry when a young -man is full of so many morals as Mr. Spoffard seems to be full of. So I -told Mr. Spoffard that I really felt just like his mother feels about -all of the flappers because I am an old fashioned girl. - -So then I got to worrying about Dorothy quite a lot because Dorothy is -really not so old-fashioned and she might say something in front of Mr. -Spoffard that might make Mr. Spoffard wonder what such an old-fashioned -girl as I was doing with such a girl as Dorothy. So I told him how I -was having quite a hard time reforming Dorothy and I would like to have -him meet Dorothy so he could tell me if he really thinks I am wasting -quite a lot of time trying to reform a girl like Dorothy. So then he -had to go to his mother. So I really hope that Dorothy will act more -reformed than she usually acts in front of Mr. Spoffard. - -Well Mr. Spoffard just left our compartment so he really came to pay a -call on us after all. So Mr. Spoffard told us all about his mother and -I was really very very intreeged because if Mr. Spoffard and I become -friendly he is the kind of a gentleman that always wants a girl to meet -his mother. I mean if a girl gets to know what kind of a mother a -gentlemans mother is like, she really knows more what kind of a -conversation to use on a gentleman’s mother when she meets her. Because -a girl like I is really always on the verge of meeting gentlemen’s -mothers. But such an unrefined girl as Dorothy is really not the kind -of a girl that ever meets gentlemens mothers. - - - -So Mr. Spoffard says his mother has to have him take care of her quite -a lot. Because Mr. Spoffards mothers brains have never really been so -strong. Because it seems his mother came from such a very fine old -family that even when she was quite a small size child she had to be -sent to a school that was a special school for people of very fine old -familys who had to have things very easy on their brain. So she still -has to have things very easy on her brain, so she has a girl who is -called her companion who goes with her everywhere who is called Miss -Chapman. Because Mr. Spoffard says that there is always something new -going on in the world which they did not get a chance to tell her about -at the school. So now Miss Chapman keeps telling her instead. Because -how would she know what to think about such a new thing as a radio, for -instance, if she did not have Miss Chapman to tell her what it was, for -instance. So Dorothy spoke up and Dorothy said, “What a responsibility -that girl has got on her shoulders. For instance, what if Miss Chapman -told her a radio was something to build a fire in, and she would get -cold some day and stuff it full of papers and light it.” But Mr. -Spoffard told Dorothy that Miss Chapman would never make such a -mistake. Because he said that Miss Chapman came from a very very fine -old family herself and she really had a fine brain. So Dorothy said, -“If she really has got such a fine brain I bet her fine old family once -had an ice man who could not be trusted.” So Mr. Spoffard and I did not -pay any more attention to Dorothy because Dorothy really does not know -how to hold a conversation. - - - -So then I and Mr. Spoffard held a conversation all about morals and Mr. -Spoffard says he really thinks the future of everything is between the -hands of Mr. Blank the district attorney who is the famous district -attorney who is closing up all the places in New York where they sell -all of the liquor. So Mr. Spoffard said that a few months ago, when Mr. -Blank decided he would try to get the job to be the district attorney, -he put 1,000 dollars worth of liquor down his sink. So now Mr. Blank -says that everybody else has got to put it down their sink. So Dorothy -spoke up, and Dorothy said, “If he poured 1,000 dollars worth down his -sink to get himself one million dollars worth of publicity and a good -job—when we pour it down our sink, what do we get?” But Mr. Spoffard is -to brainy a gentleman to answer any such a foolish question. So he gave -Dorothy a look that was full of dignity and he said he would have to go -back to his Mother. So I was really quite angry at Dorothy. So I -followed Mr. Spoffard down the hall of the railway train and I asked -Mr. Spoffard if he thought I was wasting quite a lot of time reforming -a girl like Dorothy. So Mr. Spoffard thinks I am, because he really -thinks a girl like Dorothy will never have any reverance. So I told Mr. -Spoffard I had wasted so much time on Dorothy it would really break my -heart to be a failure. So then I had tears in my eyes. So Mr. Spoffard -is really very very sympathetic because when he saw that I did not have -any handkerchief, he took his own handkerchief and he dried up all of -my tears. So then he said he would help me with Dorothy quite a lot and -get her mind to running on things that are more educational. - -So then he said he thought that we ought to get off the train at a -place called Munich because it was very full of art, which they call -“kunst” in Munich, which is very, very educational. So he said he and -Dorothy and I would get off of the train in Munich because he could -send his mother right on to Vienna with Miss Chapman, because every -place always seems to look alike to his mother anyway. So we are all -going to get off the train at Munich and I can send Mr. Eisman a -telegram when nobody is looking. Because I really do not think I will -tell Mr. Spoffard about Mr. Eisman, because, after all, their religions -are different and when two gentlemen have such different religions they -do not seem to have so much to get congeneal about. So I can telegraph -Mr. Eisman that Dorothy and I thought we would get off the train at -Munich to look at all of the art. - -So then I went back to Dorothy and I told Dorothy if she did not have -anything to say in the future to not say it. Because even if Mr. -Spoffard is a fine old family and even if he is very Prespyterian, I -and he could really be friendly after all and talk together quite a -lot. I mean Mr. Spoffard likes to talk about himself quite a lot, so I -said to Dorothy it really shows that, after all, he is just like any -other gentleman. But Dorothy said she would demand more proof than -that. So Dorothy says she thinks that maybe I might become quite -friendly with Mr. Spoffard and especially with his mother because she -thinks his mother and I have quite a lot that is common, but she says, -if I ever bump into Miss Chapman, she thinks I will come to a kropper -because Dorothy saw Miss Chapman when she was at luncheon and Dorothy -says Miss Chapman is the kind of a girl that wears a collar and a tie -even when she is not on horseback. And Dorothy said it was the look -that Miss Chapman gave her at luncheon that really gave her the idea -about the ice man. So Dorothy says she thinks Miss Chapman has got 3 -thirds of the brains of that trio of Geegans, because Geegans is the -slang word that Dorothy has thought up to use on people who are society -people. Because Dorothy says she thinks any gentleman with Mr. -Spoffards brains had ought to spend his time putting nickels into an -electric piano, but I did not even bother to talk back at such a girl -as Dorothy. So now we must get ready to get off the train when the -train gets to Munich so that we can look at all of the kunst in Munich. - - - -May 19th: - -Well yesterday Mr. Spoffard and I and Dorothy got off the train at -Munich to see all of the kunst in Munich, but you only call it Munich -when you are on the train because as soon as you get off of the train -they seem to call it Munchen. So you really would know that Munchen was -full of kunst because in case you would not know it, they have painted -the word “kunst” in large size black letters on everything in Munchen, -and you can not even see a boot black’s stand in Munchen that is not -full of kunst. - -So Mr. Spoffard said that we really ought to go to the theater in -Munchen because even the theater in Munchen was full of kunst. So we -looked at all of the bills of all of the theaters, with the aid of -quite an intelectual hotel clerk who seemed to be able to read it and -tell us what it said, because it really meant nothing to us. So it -seems they were playing Kiki in Munchen, so I said, let us go and see -Kiki because we have seen Lenore Ulric in New York and we would really -know what it is all about even if they do not seem to talk the English -landguage. So then we went to the Kunst theater. So it seems that -Munchen is practically full of Germans and the lobby of the Kunst -theater was really full of Germans who stand in the lobby and drink -beer and eat quite a lot of Bermudian onions and garlick sausage and -hard boiled eggs and beer before all of the acts. So I really had to -ask Mr. Spoffard if he thought we had come to the right theatre because -the lobby seemed to smell such a lot. I mean when the smell of beer -gets to be anteek it gets to smell quite a lot. But Mr. Spoffard seemed -to think that the lobby of the Kunst theatre did not smell any worse -than all of the other places in Munich. So then Dorothy spoke up and -Dorothy said “You can say what you want about the Germans being full of -‘kunst,’ but what they are really full of is delicatessen.” - -So then we went into the Kunst theater. But the Kunst theater does not -seem to smell so good as the lobby of the Kunst theater. And the Kunst -theater seems to be decorated with quite a lot of what tripe would look -like if it was pasted on the wall and gilded. Only you could not really -see the gilding because it was covered with quite a lot of dust. So -Dorothy looked around and Dorothy said, if this is “kunst,” the art -center of the world is Union Hill New Jersey. - -So then they started in to playing Kiki but it seems that it was not -the same kind of a Kiki that we have in America, because it seemed to -be all about a family of large size German people who seemed to keep -getting in each others ways. I mean when a stage is completely full of -2 or 3 German people who are quite large size, they really cannot help -it if they seem to get in each others ways. So then Dorothy got to -talking with a young gentleman who seemed to be a German gentleman who -sat back of her, who she thought was applauding. But what he was really -doing was he was cracking a hard boiled egg on the back of her chair. -So he talked English with quite an accent that seemed to be quite a -German accent. So Dorothy asked him if Kiki had come out on the stage -yet. So he said no, but she was really a beautiful german actress who -came clear from Berlin and he said we should really wait until she came -out, even if we did not seem to understand it. So finally she came out. -I mean we knew it was her because Dorothy’s German gentleman friend -nudged Dorothy with a sausage. So we looked at her, and we looked at -her and Dorothy said, “If Schuman Heinke still has a grandmother, we -have dug her up in Munchen.” So we did not bother to see any more of -Kiki because Dorothy said she would really have to know more about the -foundations of that building before she would risk our lives to see -Kiki do that famous scene where she faints in the last act. Because -Dorothy said, if the foundations of that building were as anteek as the -smell, there was going to be a catasterophy when Kiki hit the floor. So -even Mr. Spoffard was quite discouradged, but he was really glad -because he said he was 100 per cent. of an American and it served the -Germans right for starting such a war against all we Americans. - - - -May 20th: - -Well today Mr. Spoffard is going to take me all around to all of the -museums in Munchen, which are full of kunst that I really ought to look -at, but Dorothy said she had been punished for all of her sins last -night, so now she is going to begin life all over again by going out -with her German gentleman friend, who is going to take her to a house -called the Half Brow house which is the worlds largest size of a Beer -Hall. So Dorothy said I could be a high brow and get full of kunst, but -she is satisfide to be a Half brow and get full of beer. But Dorothy -will really never be full of anything else but unrefinement. - - - -May 21st: - -Well Mr. Spoffard and I and Dorothy are on the train again and we are -all going to Vienna. I mean Mr. Spoffard and I spent one whole day -going through all of the museums in Munchen, but I am really not even -going to think about it. Because when something terrible happens to me, -I always try to be a Christian science and I simply do not even think -about it, but I deny that it ever happened even if my feet do seem to -hurt quite a lot. So even Dorothy had quite a hard day in Munchen -because her German gentleman friend, who is called Rudolf, came for her -at 11 oclock to take her to breakfast. But Dorothy told him that she -had had her breakfast. But her gentleman friend said that he had had -his first breakfast to, but it was time for his second. So he took -Dorothy to the Half Brow house where everybody eats white sausages and -pretzels and beer at 11 oclock. So after they had their white sausages -and beer he wanted to take her for a ride but they could only go a few -blocks because by then it was time for luncheon. So they ate quite a -lot of luncheon and then he bought her a large size box of chocolates -that were full of liqueurs, and took her to the matinee. So after the -first act Rudolf got hungry and they had to go and stand in the lobby -and have some sandwitches and beer. But Dorothy did not enjoy the show -very much and so after the second act Rudolf said they would leave -because it was time for tea anyway. So after quite a heavy tea, Rudolph -asked her to dinner and Dorothy was to overcome to say No. So after -dinner they went to a beer garden for beer and pretzels. But finally -Dorothy began to come to, and she asked him to take her back to the -hotel. So Rudolf said he would, but they had better have a bite to eat -first. So today Dorothy really feels just as discouradged as I seem to -feel, only Dorothy is not a Christian science and all she can do is -suffer. - -But in spite of all of my Christian science, I am really beginning to -feel quite discouradged about Vienna. I mean Mr. Eisman is in Vienna, -and I do not see how I can spend quite a lot of time with Mr. Eisman -and quite a lot of time with Mr. Spoffard and keep them from meeting -one another. Because Mr. Spoffard might not seem to understand why Mr. -Eisman seems to spend quite a lot of money to get me educated. And -Dorothy keeps trying to depress me about Miss Chapman because she says -she thinks that when Miss Chapman sees I and Mr. Spoffard together she -thinks that Miss Chapman will cable for the familys favorite lunacy -expert. So I have got to be as full of Christian science as I can and -always hope for the best. - - - -May 25th: - -So far everything has really worked out for the best. Because Mr. -Eisman is very very busy all day with the button profession, and he -tells me to run around with Dorothy all day. So I and Mr. Spoffard run -around all day. So then I tell Mr. Spoffard that I really do not care -to go to all of the places that you go to at night, but I will go to -bed and get ready for tomorrow instead. So then Dorothy and I go to -dinner with Mr. Eisman and then we go to a show, and we stay up quite -late at a cabaret called the Chapeau Rouge and I am able to keep it all -up with the aid of champagne. So if we keep our eye out for Mr. -Spoffard and do not all bump into one another when he is out looking at -things that we Americans really should not look at, it will all work -out for the best. I mean I have even stopped Mr. Spoffard looking at -museums because I tell him that I like nature better, and when you look -at nature you look at it in a horse and buggy in the park and it is -much easier on the feet. So now he is beginning to talk about how he -would like me to meet his mother, so everything really seems for the -best after all. - -But I have quite a hard time with Mr. Eisman at night. I mean at night -Mr. Eisman is in quite a state, because every time he makes an -engagement about the button factory, it is time for all the gentlemen -in Vienna to go to the coffee house and sit. Or else every time he -makes an engagement about the button factory, some Viennese gentleman -gets the idea to have a picknick and they all put on short pants and -bare knees and they all put a feather in their hat, and they all walk -to the Tyrol. So it really discouradges Mr. Eisman quite a lot. But if -anyone ought to get discouradged I think that I ought to get -discouradged because after all when a girl has had no sleep for a week -a girl can not help it if she seems to get discouradged. - - - -May 27th: - -Well finaly I broke down and Mr. Spoffard said that he thought a little -girl like I, who was trying to reform the whole world was trying to do -to much, especially beginning on a girl like Dorothy. So he said there -was a famous doctor in Vienna called Dr. Froyd who could stop all of my -worrying because he does not give a girl medicine but he talks you out -of it by psychoanalysis. So yesterday he took me to Dr. Froyd. So Dr. -Froyd and I had quite a long talk in the english landguage. So it seems -that everybody seems to have a thing called inhibitions, which is when -you want to do a thing and you do not do it. So then you dream about it -instead. So Dr. Froyd asked me, what I seemed to dream about. So I told -him that I never really dream about anything. I mean I use my brains so -much in the day time that at night they do not seem to do anything else -but rest. So Dr. Froyd was very very surprized at a girl who did not -dream about anything. So then he asked me all about my life. I mean he -is very very sympathetic, and he seems to know how to draw a girl out -quite a lot. I mean I told him things that I really would not even put -in my diary. So then he seemed very very intreeged at a girl who always -seemed to do everything she wanted to do. So he asked me if I really -never wanted to do a thing that I did not do. For instance did I ever -want to do a thing that was really vialent, for instance, did I ever -want to shoot someone for instance. So then I said I had, but the -bullet only went in Mr. Jennings lung and came right out again. So then -Dr. Froyd looked at me and looked at me and he said he did not really -think it was possible. So then he called in his assistance and he -pointed at me and talked to his assistance quite a lot in the Viennese -landguage. So then his assistance looked at me and looked at me and it -really seems as if I was quite a famous case. So then Dr. Froyd said -that all I needed was to cultivate a few inhibitions and get some -sleep. - - - -May 29th: - -Things are really getting to be quite a strain. Because yesterday Mr. -Spoffard and Mr. Eisman were both in the lobby of the Bristol hotel and -I had to pretend not to see both of them. I mean it is quite an easy -thing to pretend not to see one gentleman, but it is a quite hard thing -to pretend not to see two gentlemen. So something has really got to -happen soon, or I will have to admit that things seem to be happening -that are not for the best. - -So this afternoon Dorothy and I had an engagement to meet Count Salm -for tea at four o’clock, only you do not call it tea at Vienna but you -seem to call it “yowzer” and you do not drink tea at Vienna but you -drink coffee instead. I mean it is quite unusual to see all of the -gentlemen at Vienna stop work, to go to yowzer about one hour after -they have all finished their luncheon, but time really does not seem to -mean so much to Viennese gentlemen except time to get to the coffee -house, which they all seem to know by instincts, or else they really do -not seem to mind if they make a mistake and get there to early. Because -Mr. Eisman says that when it is time to attend to the button -profession, they really seem to lose all of their interest until Mr. -Eisman is getting so nervous he could scream. - -So we went to Deimels and met Count Salm. But while we were having -yowzer with Count Salm, we saw Mr. Spoffard’s mother come in with her -companion Miss Chapman, and Miss Chapman seemed to look at me quite a -lot and talk to Mr. Spoffards mother about me quite a lot. So I became -quite nervous, because I really wished that we were not with Count -Salm. I mean it has been quite a hard thing to make Mr. Spoffard think -that I am trying to reform Dorothy, but if I had to try to make him -think that I was trying to reform Count Salm, he might begin to think -that there is a limit to almost everything. So Mr. Spoffards mother -seems to be deaf, because she seems to use an ear trumpet and I really -could not help over hearing quite a lot of words that Miss Chapman was -using on me, even if it is not such good etiquet to overhear people. So -Miss Chapman seemed to be telling Mr. Spoffards mother that I was a -“creature,” and she seemed to be telling her that I was the real reason -why her son seemed to be so full of nothing but neglect lately. So then -Mr. Spoffards mother looked at me and looked at me, even if it was not -such good etiquet to look at a person. And Miss Chapman kept right on -talking to Mr. Spoffards mother and I heard her mention Willie Gwynn -and I think that Miss Chapman has been making some inquiries about me -and I really think that she has heard about the time when all of the -family of Willie Gwynn had quite a long talk with me and persuaded me -not to marry Willie Gwynn for $10,000. So I really wish Mr. Spoffard -would introduce me to his mother before she gets to be full of quite a -lot of prejudice. Because one thing seems to be piling up on top of -another thing, until I am almost on the verge of getting nervous and I -have not had any time yet to do what Dr. Froyd said a girl ought to do. - -So tonight I am going to tell Mr. Eisman that I have got to go to bed -early, so then I can take quite a long ride with Mr. Spoffard and look -at nature, and he may say something definite, because nothing makes -gentlemen get so definite as looking at nature when it is moonlight. - - - -May 30th: - -Well last night Mr. Spoffard and I took quite a long ride in the park, -but they do not call it a park in the Viennese landguage but they call -it the Prater. So a prater is really devine because it is just like -Coney Island but at the same time it is in the woods and it is -practically full of trees and it has quite a long road for people to -take rides on in a horse and buggy. So I found out that Miss Chapman -had been talking against me quite a lot. So it seems that she has been -making inquiries about me, and I was really surprised to hear all of -the things that Miss Chapman seemed to find out about me except that -she did not find out about Mr. Eisman educating me. So then I had to -tell Mr. Spoffard that I was not always so reformed as I am now, -because the world was full of gentlemen who were nothing but wolfs in -sheeps clothes, that did nothing but take advantadge of all we girls. -So I really cried quite a lot. So then I told him how I was just a -little girl from Little Rock when I first left Little Rock and by that -time even Mr. Spoffard had tears in his eyes. So I told him how I came -from a very very good family because papa was very intelectual, and he -was a very very prominent Elk, and everybody always said that he was a -very intelectual Elk. So I told Mr. Spoffard that when I left Little -Rock I thought that all of the gentlemen did not want to do anything -but protect we girls and by the time I found out that they did not want -to protect us so much, it was to late. So then he cried quite a lot. So -then I told him how I finaly got reformed by reading all about him in -the newspapers and when I saw him in the oriental express it really -seemed to be nothing but the result of fate. So I told Mr. Spoffard -that I thought a girl was really more reformed if she knew what it was -to be unreformed than if she was born reformed and never really knew -that was the matter with her. So then Mr. Spoffard reached over and he -kissed me on the forehead in a way that was full of reverance and he -said I seemed to remind him quite a lot of a girl who got quite a -write-up in the bible who was called Magdellen. So then he said that he -used to be a member of the choir himself, so who was he to cast the -first rock at a girl like I. - -So we rode around in the Prater until it was quite late and it really -was devine because it was moonlight and we talked quite a lot about -morals, and all the bands in the prater were all playing in the -distants “Mama love Papa”. Because “Mama love Papa” has just reached -Vienna and they all seem to be crazy about “Mama love Papa” even if it -is not so new in America. So then he took me home to the hotel. - -So everything always works out for the best, because this morning Mr. -Spoffard called up and told me he wanted me to meet his mother. So I -told him I would like to have luncheon alone with his mother because we -could have quite a little tatatate if there was only two of us. So I -told him to bring his mother to our room for luncheon because I thought -that Miss Chapman could not walk into our room and spoil everything. - -So he brought his mother down to our sitting room and I put on quite a -simple little organdy gown that I had ripped all of the trimming off -of, and I had a pair of black lace mitts that Dorothy used to wear in -the Follies and I had a pair of shoes that did not have any heels on -them. So when he introduced us to each other I dropped her a courtesy -because I always think it is quite quaint when a girl drops quite a lot -of courtesys. So then he left us alone and we had quite a little talk -and I told her that I did not seem to like all of the flappers that we -seem to have nowadays, because I was brought up to be more old -fashioned. So then Mr. Spoffards mother told me that Miss Chapman said -that she had heard that I was not so old fashioned. But I told her that -I was so old fashioned that I was always full of respect for all of my -elders and I would not dare to tell them everything they ought to do, -like Miss Chapman seems to tell her everything she ought to do, for -instants. - -So then I ordered luncheon and I thought some champagne would make her -feel quite good for luncheon so I asked her if she liked champagne. So -she really likes champagne very very much but Miss Chapman thinks it is -not so nice for a person to drink liquor. But I told her that I was a -Christian science, and all of we Christian science seem to believe that -there can not really be any harm in anything, so how can there be any -harm in a small size bottle of champagne? So she never seemed to look -at it in that kind of a light before, because she said that Miss -Chapman believed in Christian science also, but what Miss Chapman -believed about things that were good for you to drink seemed to apply -more towards water. So then we had luncheon and she began to feel very -very good. So I thought that we had better have another bottle of -champagne because I told her that I was such an ardent Christian -science that I did not even believe there could be any harm in two -bottles of champagne. So we had another bottle of champagne and she -became very intreeged about Christian science because she said that she -really thought it was a better religion than Prespyterians. So she said -Miss Chapman used to try to get her to use it on things, but Miss -Chapman never seemed to have such a large size grasp of the Christian -science religion as I seem to have. - -So then I told her that I thought Miss Chapman was jealous of her good -looks. So then she said that that was true, because Miss Chapman would -always make her wear hats that were made out of black horses hair -because horses hair does not weigh so much on a persons brain. So I -told her I was going to give her one of my hats that has got quite -large size roses on it. So then I got it out, but we could not get it -on her head because hats are quite small on account of hair being -bobbed. So I thought I would get the sissors and bob her head, but then -I thought I had done enough to her for one day. - -So Henry’s mother said that I was really the most sunshine that she -ever had in all her life and when Henry came back to take his Mother up -to her room, she did not want to go. But after he got her away he -called me up on the telephone and he was qiute excited and he said he -wanted to ask me something that was very very important. So I said I -would see him tonight. - -But now I have got to see Mr. Eisman because I have an idea about doing -something that is really very very important that has got to be done at -once. - - - -May 31st: - -Well I and Dorothy and Mr. Eisman are on a train going to a place -called Buda Pest. So I did not see Henry again before I left, but I -left him a letter. Because I thought it would be a quite good thing if -what he wanted to ask me he would have to write down, instead of asking -me, and he could not write it to me if I was in the same city that he -is in. So I told him in my letter that I had to leave in five minute’s -time because I found out that Dorothy was just on the verge of getting -very unreformed, and if I did not get her away, all I had done for her -would really go for nothing. So I told him to write down what he had to -say to me, and mail it to me at the Ritz hotel in Buda Pest. Because I -always seem to believe in the old addage, Say it in writing. - -So it was really very easy to get Mr. Eisman to leave Vienna, because -yesterday he went out to see the button factory but it seems that all -of the people at the button factory were not at work but they were -giving a birthday party to some saint. So it seems that every time some -saint has a birthday they all stop work so they can give it a birthday -party. So Mr. Eisman looked at their calendar, and found out that some -saint or other was born practically every week in the year. So he has -decided that America is good enough for him. - -So Henry will not be able to follow me to Buda Pest because his mother -is having treatments by Dr. Froyd and she seems to be a much more -difficult case than I seem to be. I mean it is quite hard for Dr. -Froyd, because she cannot seem to remember which is a dream and which -really happened to her. So she tells him everything, and he has to use -his judgement. I mean when she tells him that a very very handsome -young gentleman tried to flirt with her on Fifth Avenue, he uses his -judgement. - -So we will soon be at a Ritz hotel again and I must say it will be -delightful to find a Ritz hotel right in the central of Europe. - - - -June 1st: - -Well yesterday Henrys letter came and it says in black and white that -he and his mother have never met such a girl as I and he wants me to -marry him. So I took Henrys letter to the photographers and I had quite -a lot of photographs taken of it because a girl might lose Henrys -letter and she would not have anything left to remember him by. But -Dorothy says to hang on to Henry’s letter, because she really does not -think the photographs do it justice. - -So this afternoon I got a telegram from Henry and the telegram says -that Henry’s father is very, very ill in New York and they have got to -leave for New York immediately and his heart is broken not to see me -again and to send him my answer by telegraph so that his mind will be -rested while he is going back to New York. So I sent him a telegram and -I accepted his proposal. So tonight I got another telegram and Henry -says that he and his mother are very very happy and Henrys mother can -hardly bear Miss Chapman any more and Henry says he hopes I will decide -to come right back to New York and keep his mother quite a lot of -company, because he thinks I can reform Dorothy more in New York -anyway, where there is prohibition and nobody can get anything to -drink. - -So now I have got to make up my mind whether I really want to marry -Henry after all. Because I know to much to get married to any gentleman -like Henry without thinking it all over. Because Henry is the kind of a -gentleman who gets on a girls nerves quite a lot and when a gentleman -has nothing else to do but get on a girls nerves, there really seems to -be a limit to almost everything. Because when a gentleman has a -business, he has an office and he has to be there, but when a -gentlemans business is only looking into other peoples business, a -gentleman is always on the verge of coming in and out of the house. And -a girl could not really say that her time was her own. And when Henry -was not in and out of the house, his mother would always be in and out -of the house because she seems to think that I am so full of nothing -but sunshine. So it is quite a problem and I seem to be in quite a -quarandary, because it might really be better if Henry should happen to -decide that he should not get married, and he should change his mind, -and desert a girl, and then it would only be right if a girl should sue -him for a breach of promise. - -But I really think, whatever happens, that Dorothy and I had better get -back to New York. So I will see if Mr. Eisman will send us back. I mean -I really do not think that Mr. Eisman will mind us going back because -if he does, I will start shopping again and that always seems to bring -him to terms. But all the time I am going back to New York, I will have -to try to make up my mind one way or another. Because we girls really -can not help it, if we have ideals, and sometimes my mind seems to get -to running on things that are romantic, and I seem to think that maybe -there is some place in the world where there is a gentleman who knows -how to look and act like Count Salm and who has got money besides. And -when a girls mind gets to thinking about such a romantic thing, a girls -mind really does not seem to know whether to marry Henry or not. - - - - - - - - -CHAPTER SIX - -BRAINS ARE REALLY EVERYTHING - - -June 14th: - -Well, Dorothy and I arrived at New York yesterday because Mr. Eisman -finally decided to send us home because he said that all of his button -profession would not stand the strain of educating me much more in -Europe. So we separated from Mr. Eisman in Buda Pest because Mr. Eisman -had to go to Berlin to look up all of his starving relatives in Berlin, -who have done nothing but starve since the War, so he wrote me just -before we sailed and he said that he had dug up all his starving -relatives and he had looked them all over, and decided not to bring -them to America because there was not one of his starving relatives who -could travel on a railroad ticket without paying excess fare for -overweight. - -So Dorothy and I took the boat and all the way over on the boat I had -to make up my mind whether I really wanted to marry the famous Henry H. -Spoffard, or not, because he was waiting for me to arrive at New York -and he was so impatient that he could hardly wait for me to arrive at -New York. But I have not wasted all of my time on Henry, even if I do -not marry him, because I have some letters from Henry which would come -in very, very handy if I did not marry Henry. So Dorothy seems to agree -with me quite a lot, because Dorothy says the only thing she could -stand being to Henry, would be to be his widow at the age of 18. - -So coming over on the boat I decided not to bother to meet any -gentleman, because what good does it do to meet gentlemen when there is -nothing to do on a boat but go shopping at a little shop where they do -not have any thing that costs more than five dollars. And besides if I -did meet any gentleman on the boat, he would want to see me off the -boat, and then we would bump into Henry. But then I heard that there -was a gentleman on the boat who was quite a dealer in unset diamonds -from a town called Amsterdam. So I met the gentleman, and we went -around together quite a lot, but we had quite a quarrel the night -before we landed, so I did not even bother to look at him when I came -down the gangplank, and I put the unset diamonds in my handbag so I did -not have to declare them at the customs. - -So Henry was waiting for me at the customs, because he had come up from -Pennsylvania to meet me, because their country estate is at -Pennsylvania, and Henry’s father is very, very ill at Pennsylvania, so -Henry has to stay there practically all of the time. So all of the -reporters were at the customs and they all heard about how Henry and I -were engaged to one another and they wanted to know what I was before I -became engaged to Henry, so I told them that I was nothing but a -society girl from Little Rock, Arkansas. So then I became quite angry -with Dorothy because one of the reporters asked Dorothy when I made my -debut in society at Little Rock and Dorothy said I made my debut at the -Elks annual street fair and carnival at the age of 15, I mean Dorothy -never overlooks any chance to be unrefined, even when she is talking to -literary gentlemen like reporters. - -So Henry brought me to the apartment in his Rolls Royce, and while we -were coming to the apartment he said he wanted to give me my engagement -ring and I really became all thrills. So he said that he had gone to -Cartiers and he had looked over all the engagement rings in Cartiers -and after he had looked them all over he had decided that they were not -half good enough for me. So then he took a box out of his pocket and I -really became intreeged. So then Henry said that when he looked at all -of those large size diamonds he really felt that they did not have any -sentiment, so he was going to give me his class ring from Amherst -College insted. So then I looked at him and looked at him, but I am to -full of self controle to say anything at this stage of the game, so I -said it was really very sweet of him to be so full of nothing but -sentiment. - -So then Henry said that he would have to go back to Pennsylvania to -talk to his father about us getting married, because his father has -really got his heart set on us not getting married. So I told Henry -that perhaps if I would meet his father, I would win him over, because -I always seem to win gentlemen over. But Henry says that that is just -the trouble, because some girl is always winning his father over, and -they hardly dare to let him go out of their sight, and they hardly dare -let him go to church alone. Because the last time he went to church -alone some girl won him over on the street corner and he arrived back -home with all of his pocket money gone, and they could not believe him -when he said that he had put it in the plate, because he has not put -more than a dime in the plate for the last fifty years. - -So it seems that the real reason why his father does not want Henry to -marry me, is because his father says that Henry always has all of the -fun, and every time Henry’s father wants to have some fun of his own, -Henry always stops him and Henry will not even let him be sick at a -hospital where he could have some fun of his own, but he keeps him at -home where he has to have a nurse Henry picked out for him who is a -male nurse. So all of his objections seem to be nothing but the spirit -of resiprosity. But Henry says that all his objections cannot last much -longer because he is nearly 90 years of age after all, and Nature must -take its course sooner or later. - -So Dorothy says what a fool I am to waste my time on Henry, when I -might manage to meet Henry’s father and the whole thing would be over -in a few months and I would practically own the state of Pennsylvania. -But I do not think I ought to take Dorothy’s advise because Henry’s -father is watched like a hawk and Henry himself is his Power of -Attorney, so no good could really come of it after all. And, after all, -why should I listen to the advise of a girl like Dorothy who travelled -all over Europe and all she came home with was a bangle! - -So Henry spent the evening at the apartment and then he had to go back -to Pennsylvania to be there Thursday morning, because every Thursday -morning he belongs to a society who do nothing but senshure all of the -photoplays. So they cut out all of the pieces out of all the photoplays -that show things that are riskay, that people ought not to look at. So -then they put all of the riskay pieces together and they run them over -and over again. So it would really be quite a hard thing to drag Henry -away from one of his Thursday mornings and he can hardly wait from one -Thursday morning to another. Because he really does not seem to enjoy -anything so much as senshuring photoplays and after a photoplay has -once been senshured he seems to lose all of his interest in it. - -So after Henry left I held quite a conversation with Lulu, who is my -maid who looked out for my apartment while I was away. So Lulu really -thinks I ought to marry Mr. Spoffard after all, because Lulu says that -she kept studying Mr. Spoffard all of the time she was unpacking my -trunks, and Lulu says she is sure that any time I feel as if I had to -get away from Mr. Spoffard I could just set him down on the floor, and -give him a packet of riskay french postcards to senshure and stay away -as long as I like. - -So Henry is going to arrange for me to come down to Pennsylvania for a -week-end and meet all of his family. But if all of Henry’s family are -as full of reforms as Henry seems to be, it will be quite an ordeal -even for a girl like I. - - - -June 15th: - -Yesterday morning was quite an ordeal for a refined girl because all of -the newspapers all printed the story of how Henry and I are engaged to -one another, but they all seemed to leave out the part about me being a -society girl except one newspaper, and that was the newspaper that -quoted what Dorothy said about me being a debutant at the Elk’s -Carnival. So I called up Dorothy at the Ritz and I told Dorothy that a -girl like she ought to keep her mouth closed in the presents of -reporters. - -So it seems that quite a lot of reporters kept calling Dorothy up but -Dorothy said she really did not say anything to any of them except one -reporter asked her what I used for money and she told him buttons. But -Dorothy really should not have said such a thing, because quite a few -people seem to know that Mr. Eisman is educating me and that he is -known all over Chicago as Gus Eisman the Button King, so one thing -might suggest another until people’s minds might begin to think -something. - -But Dorothy said that she did not say anything more about me being a -debutant at Little Rock, because after all Dorothy knows that I really -did not make any debut in Little Rock, because just when it was time to -make my debut, my gentleman friend Mr. Jennings became shot, and after -the trial was over and all of the Jury had let me off, I was really -much to fatigued to make any debut. - -So then Dorothy said, why don’t we throw a party now and you can become -a debutant now and put them all in their place, because it seems that -Dorothy is dying for a party. So that is really the first sensible -suggestion that Dorothy has made yet, because I think that every girl -who is engaged to a gentleman who has a fine old family like Henry, had -really ought to be a debutant. So I told her to come right over and we -would plan my debut but we would keep it very, very quiet and give it -tomorrow night, because if Henry heard I was making my debut he would -come up from Pennsylvania and he would practically spoil the party, -because all Henry has to do to spoil a party is to arrive at it. - -So Dorothy came over and we planned my debut. So first we decided to -have some engraved invitations engraved, but it always takes quite a -little time to have invitations engraved, and it would really be -foolish because all of the gentlemen we were going to invite to my -debut were all members of the Racquet Club, so I could just write out a -notice that I was having a debut and give it to Willie Gwynn and have -Willie Gwynn post it on the Racquet Club board. - -So Willie Gwynn posted it on the club board and then he called me up -and he told me that he had never seen so much enthusiasm since the -Dempsey-Firpo fight, and he said that the whole Racquet Club would be -there in a body. So then we had to plan about what girls we would ask -to my debut. Because I have not seemed to meet so many society women -yet because of course a girl does not meet society women until her -debut is all over, and then all the society women all come and call on -a debutant. But I know practically all of the society men, because -practically all of the society men belong to the Racquet club, so after -I have the Racquet Club at my debut, all I have to do to take my real -place in society is to meet their mothers and sisters, because I know -practically all of their sweethearts now. - -But I always seem to think that it is delightful to have quite a lot of -girls at a party, if a girl has quite a lot of gentlemen at a party, -and it is quite delightful to have all the girls from the Follies, but -I really could not invite them because, after all, they are not in my -set. So then I thought it all over and I thought that even if it was -not etiquette to invite them to a party, it really would be etiquette -to hire them to come to a party and be entertainers, and after they -were entertainers they could mix in to the party and it really would -not be a social error. - -So then the telephone rang and Dorothy answered it and it seems that it -was Joe Sanguinetti, who is almost the official bootlegger for the -whole Racquet Club, and Joe said he had heard about my debut and if he -could come to my debut and bring his club which is the Silver Spray -Social Club of Brooklyn, he would supply all of the liquor and he would -guarantee to practically run the rum fleet up to the front door. - -So Dorothy told him he could come, and she hung up the telephone before -she told me his proposition, and I became quite angry with Dorothy -because, after all, the Silver Spray Social Club is not even mentioned -in the Social Register and it has no place at a girl’s debut. But -Dorothy said by the time the party got into swing, anyone would have to -be a genius if he could tell whether he belonged to the Racquet Club, -the Silver Spray Social Club, or the Knights of Pythias. But I really -was almost sorry that I asked Dorothy to help plan my debut, except -that Dorothy is very good to have at a party if the police come in, -because Dorothy always knows how to manage the police, and I never knew -a policeman yet who did not finish up by being madly in love with -Dorothy. So then Dorothy called up all of the reporters on all of the -newspapers and invited them all to my debut, so they could see it with -their own eyes. - -So Dorothy says that she is going to see to it that my debut lands on -the front page of all of the newspapers, if we have to commit a murder -to do it. - - - -June 19th: - -Well, it has been three days since my debut party started but I finally -got tired and left the party last night and went to bed because I -always seem to lose all of my interest in a party after a few days, but -Dorothy never loses her interest in a party and when I woke up this -morning Dorothy was just saying goodbye to some of the guests. I mean -Dorothy seems to have quite a lot of vitality, because the last guests -of the party were guests we picked up when the party went to take a -swim at Long Beach the day before yesterday, and they were practically -fresh, but Dorothy had gone clear through the party from beginning to -end without even stopping to go to a Turkish bath as most of the -gentlemen had to do. So my debut has really been very novel, because -quite a lot of the guests who finished up at my debut were not the same -guests that started out at it, and it is really quite novel for a girl -to have so many different kinds of gentlemen at her debut. So it has -really been a very great success because all of the newspapers have -quite a lot of write-ups about my debut and I really felt quite proud -when I saw the front page of the Daily Views and it said in large size -headlines, “LORELEI’S DEBUT A WOW!” And Zits’ Weekly came right out and -said that if this party marks my entrance into society, they only hope -that they can live to see what I will spring once I have overcome my -debutant reserve and taken my place in the world. - -So I really had to apologise to Dorothy about asking Joe Sanguinetti to -my debut because it was wonderful the way he got all of the liquor to -the party and he more than kept his word. I mean he had his bootleggers -run up from the wharf in taxis, right to the apartment, and the only -trouble he had was, that once the bootleggers delivered the liquor, he -could not get them to leave the party. So finally there was quite a -little quarrel because Willie Gwynn claimed that Joe’s bootleggers were -snubbing the members of his club because they would not let the boys -from the Racquet club sing in their quartet. But Joe’s bootleggers said -that the Racquet club boys wanted to sing songs that were unrefined, -while they wanted to sing songs about Mother. So then everybody started -to take sides, but the girls from the Follies were all with Joe’s -bootleggers from the start because practically all we girls were -listening to them with tears steaming from our eyes. So that made the -Racquet club jealous and one thing led to another until somebody rang -for an ambulants and then the police came in. - -So Dorothy, as usual, won over all of the police. So it seems that the -police all have orders from Judge Schultzmeyer, who is the famous judge -who tries all of the prohibition cases, that any time they break into a -party that looks like it was going to be a good party, to call him up -no matter what time of the day or night it is, because Judge -Schultzmeyer dearly loves a party. So the Police called up Judge -Schultzmeyer and he was down in less than no time. So during the party -both Joe Sanguinetti and Judge Schultzmeyer fell madly in love with -Dorothy. So Joe and the Judge had quite a little quarrel and the Judge -told Joe that if his stuff was fit to drink he would set the Law after -him and confiscate it, but his stuff was not worth the while of any -gentleman to confiscate who had any respect for his stomach, and he -would not lower himself to confiscate it. So along about nine o’clock -in the morning Judge Schultzmeyer had to leave the party and go to -court to try all of the criminals who break all of the laws, so he had -to leave Dorothy and Joe together and he was very very angry. And I -really felt quite sorry for any person who went up before Judge -Schultzmeyer that morning, because he gave everybody 90 days and was -back at the party by twelve o’clock. So then he stuck to the party -until we were all going down to Long Beach to take a swim day before -yesterday when he seemed to become unconscious, so we dropped him off -at a sanitorium in Garden City. - -So my debut party was really the greatest success of the social season, -because the second night of my debut party was the night when Willie -Gwynn’s sister was having a dance at the Gwynn estate on Long Island, -and Willie Gwynn said that all of the eligible gentlemen in New York -were conspicuous by their absents at his sister’s party, because they -were all at my party. So it seems as if I am really going to be quite a -famous hostess if I can just bring my mind to the point of being Mrs. -Henry Spoffard Jr. - -Well Henry called up this morning and Henry said he had finally got his -father’s mind so that he thought it was safe for me to meet him and he -was coming up to get me this afternoon so that I can meet his family -and see his famous old historical home at Pennsylvania. So then he -asked about my debut party which some of the Philadelphia papers seemed -to mention. But I told him that my debut was really not so much -planned, as it was spontaneous, and I did not have the heart to call -him up at a moments notice and take him away from his father at such a -time for reasons which were nothing but social. - -So now I am getting ready to visit Henry’s family and I feel as if my -whole future depends on it. Because if I can not stand Henry’s family -any more than I can stand Henry the whole thing will probly come to an -end in the law court. - - - -June 21st: - -Well, I am now spending the weekend with Henry’s family at his old -family mansion outside of Philadelphia, and I am beginning to think, -after all, that there is something else in the world besides family. -And I am beginning to think that family life is only fit for those who -can stand it. For instants, they always seem to get up very early in -Henry’s family. I mean it really is not so bad to get up early when -there is something to get up early about, but when a girl gets up early -and there is nothing to get up early about, it really begins to seem as -if there was no sense to it. - -So yesterday we all got up early and that was when I met all of Henry’s -family, because Henry and I motored down to Pennsylvania and everybody -was in bed when we arrived because it was after nine o’clock. So in the -morning Henry’s mother came to my room to get me up in time for -breakfast because Henry’s mother is very very fond of me, and she -always wants to copy all of my gowns and she always loves to look -through all of my things to see what I have got. So she found a box of -liqueur candies that are full of liqueurs and she was really very -delighted. So I finally got dressed and she threw the empty box away -and I helped her down stairs to the Dining room. - -So Henry was waiting in the dining room with his sister and that was -when I met his sister. So it seems that Henry’s sister has never been -the same since the war, because she never had on a man’s collar and a -necktie until she drove an ambulants in the war, and now they cannot -get her to take them off. Because ever since the armistice Henry’s -sister seems to have the idea that regular womens clothes are -effiminate. So Henry’s sister seems to think of nothing but either -horses or automobiles and when she is not in a garage the only other -place she is happy in is a stable. I mean she really pays very little -attention to all of her family and she seems to pay less attention to -Henry than anybody else because she seems to have the idea that Henry’s -brains are not so viril. So then we all waited for Henry’s father to -come in so that he could read the Bible out loud before breakfast. - -So then something happened that really was a miracle. Because it seems -that Henry’s father has practically lived in a wheel chair for months -and months and his male nurse has to wheel him everywhere. So his male -nurse wheeled him into the dining room in his wheel chair and then -Henry said “Father, this is going to be your little daughter in law,” -and Henry’s father took one good look at me and got right out of his -wheel chair and walked! So then everybody was very very surprised, but -Henry was not so surprised because Henry knows his father like a book. -So then they all tried to calm his father down, and his father tried to -read out of the Bible but he could hardly keep his mind on the Bible -and he could hardly eat a bite because when a gentleman is as feeble as -Henry’s father is, he cannot keep one eye on a girl and the other eye -on his cereal and cream without coming to grief. So Henry finally -became quite discouradged and he told his father he would have to get -back to his room or he would have a relapse. So then the male nurse -wheeled him back to his room and it really was pathetic because he -cried like a baby. So I got to thinking over what Dorothy advised me -about Henry’s father and I really got to thinking that if Henry’s -father could only get away from everybody and have some time of his -own, Dorothy’s advise might not be so bad after all. - -So after breakfast we all got ready to go to church, but Henry’s sister -does not go to church because Henry’s sister always likes to spend -every Sunday in the garage taking their Ford farm truck apart and -putting it back together again, and Henry says that what the war did to -a girl like his sister is really worse than the war itself. - -So then Henry and his mother and I all went to church. So we came home -from church and we had luncheon and it seems that luncheon is -practically the same as breakfast except that Henry’s father could not -come down to luncheon because after he met me he contracted such a -vialent fever that they had to send for the Doctor. - -So in the afternoon Henry went to prayer meeting and I was left alone -with Henry’s mother so that we could rest up so that we could go to -church again after supper. So Henry’s mother thinks I am nothing but -sunshine and she will hardly let me get out of her sight, because she -hates to be by herself because, when she is by herself, her brains -hardly seem to work at all. So she loves to try on all of my hats and -she loves to tell me how all the boys in the choir can hardly keep -their eyes off her. So of course a girl has to agree with her, and it -is quite difficult to agree with a person when you have to do it -through an ear trumpet because sooner or later your voice has to give -out. - -So then supper turned out to be practically the same thing as luncheon -only by supper time all of the novelty seemed to wear off. So then I -told Henry that I had to much of a headache to go to church again, so -Henry and his mother went to church and I went to my room and I sat -down and thought and I decided that life was really to short to spend -it in being proud of your family, even if they did have a great deal of -money. So the best thing for me to do is to think up some scheme to -make Henry decide not to marry me and take what I can get out of it and -be satisfied. - - - -June 22nd: - -Well, yesterday I made Henry put me on the train at Philadelphia and I -made him stay at Philadelphia so he could be near his father if his -father seemed to take any more relapses. So I sat in my drawing room on -the train and I decided that the time had come to get rid of Henry at -any cost. So I decided that the thing that discouradges gentlemen more -than anything else is shopping. Because even Mr. Eisman, who was -practically born for we girls to shop on, and who knows just what to -expect, often gets quite discouradged over all of my shopping. So I -decided I would get to New York and I would go to Cartiers and run up -quite a large size bill on Henry’s credit, because after all our -engagement has been announced in all of the newspapers, and Henry’s -credit is really my credit. - -So while I was thinking it all over there was a knock on the drawing -room door, so I told him to come in and it was a gentleman who said he -had seen me quite a lot in New York and he had always wanted to have an -introduction to me, because we had quite a lot of friends who were -common. So then he gave me his card and his name was on his card and it -was Mr. Gilbertson Montrose and his profession is a senario writer. So -then I asked him to sit down and we held a literary conversation. - -So I really feel as if yesterday was a turning point in my life, -because at last I have met a gentleman who is not only an artist but -who has got brains besides. I mean he is the kind of a gentleman that a -girl could sit at his feet and listen to for days and days and nearly -always learn something or other. Because, after all, there is nothing -that gives a girl more of a thrill than brains in a gentleman, -especially after a girl has been spending the week end with Henry. So -Mr. Montrose talked and talked all of the way to New York and I sat -there and did nothing else but listen. So according to Mr. Montrose’s -opinion Shakespear is a very great playwrite, and he thinks that Hamlet -is quite a famous tragedy and as far as novels are concerned he -believes that nearly everybody had ought to read Dickens. And when we -got on the subject of poetry he recited “The Shooting of Dan McGrew” -until you could almost hear the gun go off. - -And then I asked Mr. Montrose to tell me all about himself. So it seems -that Mr. Montrose was on his way home from Washington D. C., where he -went to see the Bulgarian Ambassadore to see if he could get Bulgaria -to finance a senario he has written which is a great historical subject -which is founded on the sex life of Dolly Madison. So it seems that Mr. -Montrose has met quite a lot of Bulgarians in a Bulgarian restaurant on -Lexington Avenue and that was what gave him the idea to get the money -from Bulgaria. Because Mr. Montrose said that he could fill his senario -full of Bulgarian propoganda, and he told the Bulgarian Ambassadore -that every time he realised how ignorant all of the American film fans -were on the subject of Bulgaria, it made him flinch. - -So I told Mr. Montrose that it made me feel very very small to talk to -a gentleman like he, who knew so much about Bulgaria, because -practically all I knew about Bulgaria was Zoolack. So Mr. Montrose said -that the Bulgarian Ambassadore did not seem to think that Dolly Madison -had so much about her that was pertinent to present day Bulgaria, but -Mr. Montrose explained to him that that was because he knew practically -nothing about dramatic construction. Because Mr. Montrose said he could -fix his senario so that Dolly Madison would have one lover who was a -Bulgarian, who wanted to marry her. So then Dolly Madison would get to -wondering what her great, great grandchildren would be like if she -married a Bulgarian, and then she could sit down and have a vision of -Bulgaria in 1925. So that was when Mr. Montrose would take a trip to -Bulgaria to photograph the vision. But the Bulgarian Ambassadore turned -down the whole proposition, but he gave Mr. Montrose quite a large size -bottle of the Bulgarian national drink. So the Bulgarian national drink -looks like nothing so much as water, and it really does not taste so -strong, but about five minutes afterwards you begin to realise your -mistake. But I thought to myself that if realizing my mistake could -make me forget what I went through in Pennsylvania, I really owed it to -myself to forget everything. So then we had another drink. - -So then Mr. Montrose told me that he had quite a hard time getting -along in the motion picture profession, because all of his senarios are -all over their head. Because when Mr. Montrose writes about sex, it is -full of sychology, but when everybody else writes about it, it is full -of nothing but transparent negligays and ornamental bath tubs. And Mr. -Montrose says that there is no future in the motion pictures until the -motion pictures get their sex motives straightened out, and realize -that a woman of 25 can have just as many sex problems as a flapper of -16. Because Mr. Montrose likes to write about women of the world, and -he refuses to have women of the world played by small size girls of 15 -who know nothing about life and who have not even been in the detention -home. - -So we both arrived in New York before we realized it, and I got to -thinking how the same trip with Henry in his Rolls Royce seemed like -about 24 hours, and that was what gave me the idea that money was not -everything, because after all, it is only brains that count. So Mr. -Montrose took me home and we are going to have luncheon together at the -Primrose Tea room practically every day and keep right on holding -literary conversations. - -So then I had to figure out how to get rid of Henry and at the same -time not do anything that would make me any trouble later. So I sent -for Dorothy because Dorothy is not so good at intreeging a gentleman -with money, but she ought to be full of ideas on how to get rid of one. - -So at first Dorothy said, Why didn’t I take a chance and marry Henry -because she had an idea that if Henry married me he would commit -suicide about two weeks later. But I told her about my plan to do quite -a lot of shopping, and I told her that I would send for Henry and I -would manage it so that I would not be in the apartment when he came, -but she could be there and start a conversation with him and she could -tell him about all of my shopping and how extravagant I seemed to be -and he would be in the poor house in less than a year if he married me. - -So Dorothy said for me to take one farewell look at Henry and leave him -to her, because the next time I saw him would be in the witness box and -I might not even recognize him because she would throw a scare into him -that might change his whole physical appearance. So I decided to leave -him in the hands of Dorothy and hope for the best. - - - -July 10th: - -Well, last month was really almost a diary in itself, and I have to -begin to realize that I am one of the kind of girls that things happen -to. And I have to admit, after all, that life is really wonderful. -Because so much has happened in the last few weeks that it almost makes -a girl’s brains whirl. - -I mean in the first place I went shopping at Cartiers and bought quite -a delightful square cut emerald and quite a long rope of pearls on -Henry’s credit. So then I called up Henry on the long distants -telephone and told him that I wanted to see him quite a lot, so he was -very very pleased and he said that he would come right up to New York. - -So then I told Dorothy to come to the apartment and be there when Henry -came, and to show Henry what I bought on his credit, and to tell him -how extravagant I seem to be, and how I seem to keep on getting worse. -So I told Dorothy to go as far as she liked, so long as she did not -insinuate anything against my character, because the more spotless my -character seems to be, the better things might turn out later. So Henry -was due at the apartment about 1.20, so I had Lulu get some luncheon -for he and Dorothy and I told Dorothy to tell him that I had gone out -to look at the Russian Crown Jewels that some Russian Grand Duchess or -other had for sale at the Ritz. - -So then I went to the Primrose Tea Room to have luncheon with Mr. -Montrose because Mr. Montrose loves to tell me of all his plans, and he -says that I seem to remind him quite a lot of a girl called Madame -Recamier who all the intelectual gentlemen used to tell all of their -plans to, even when there was a French revolution going on all around -them. - -So Mr. Montrose and I had a delicious luncheon, except that I never -seem to notice what I am eating when I am with Mr. Montrose because -when Mr. Montrose talks a girl wants to do nothing but listen. But all -of the time I was listening, I was thinking about Dorothy and I was -worrying for fear Dorothy would go to far, and tell Henry something -that would not be so good for me afterwards. So finally even Mr. -Montrose seemed to notice it, and he said “What’s the matter little -woman, a penny for your thoughts.” - -So then I told him everything. So he seemed to think quite a lot and -finally he said to me “It is really to bad that you feel as if the -social life of Mr. Spoffard bored you, because Mr. Spoffard would be -ideal to finance my senario.” So then Mr. Montrose said that he had -been thinking from the very first how ideal I would be to play Dolly -Madison. So that started me thinking and I told Mr. Montrose that I -expected to have quite a large size ammount of money later on, and I -would finance it myself. But Mr. Montrose said that would be to late, -because all of the motion picture corporations were after it now, and -it would be snaped up almost immediately. - -So then I became almost in a panick, because I suddenly decided that if -I married Henry and worked in the motion pictures at the same time, -society life with Henry would not really be so bad. Because if a girl -was so busy as all that, it really would not seem to matter so much if -she had to stand Henry when she was not busy. But then I realized what -Dorothy was up to, and I told Mr. Montrose that I was almost afraid it -was to late. So I hurried to the telephone and I called up Dorothy at -the apartment and I asked her what she had said to Henry. So Dorothy -said that she showed him the square cut emerald and told him that I -bought it as a knick-knack to go with a green dress, but I had got a -spot on the dress, so I was going to give them both to Lulu. So she -said she showed him the pearls and she said that after I had bought -them, I was sorry I did not get pink ones because white ones were so -common, so I was going to have Lulu unstring them and sew them on a -negligay. So then she told him she was rather sorry I meant to buy the -Russian Crown jewels because she had a feeling they were unlucky, but -that I had said to her, that if I found out they were, I could toss -them over my left shoulder into the Hudson river some night when there -was a new moon, and it would take away the curse. - -So then she said that Henry began to get restless. So then she told him -she was very glad I was going to get married at last because I had had -such bad luck, that every time I became engaged something seemed to -happen to my fiance. So Henry asked her what, for instance. So Dorothy -said a couple were in the insane asylum, one had shot himself for debt, -and the county farm was taking care of the remainder. So Henry asked -her how they got that way. So Dorothy told him it was nothing but my -extravagants, and she told him that she was surprised that he had never -heard about it, because all I had to do was to take luncheon at the -Ritz with some prominent broker and the next day the bottom would drop -out of the market. And she told him that she did not want to insinuate -anything, but that I had dined with a very, very prominent German the -day before German marks started to colapse. - -So I became almost frantic and I told Dorothy to hold Henry at the -apartment until I could get up there and explain. So I held the -telephone while Dorothy went to see if Henry would wait. So Dorothy -came back in a minute and she said that the parlor was empty, but that -if I would hurry down to Broadway no doubt I would see a cloud of dust -heading towards the Pennsylvania station, and that would be Henry. - -So then I went back to Mr. Montrose, and I told him that I must catch -Henry at the Pennsylvania Station at any cost. And if anyone were to -say that we left the Primrose tea room in a hurry, they would be -putting it quite mildly. So we got to the Pennsylvania station and I -just had time to get on board the train to Philadelphia and I left Mr. -Montrose standing at the train biting his finger nails in all of his -anxiety. But I called out to him to go to his Hotel and I would -telephone the result as soon as the train arrived. - -So then I went through the train, and there was Henry with a look on -his face which I shall never forget. So when he saw me he really seemed -to shrink to ½ his natural size. So I sat down beside him and I told -him that I was really ashamed of how he acted, and if his love for me -could not stand a little test that I and Dorothy had thought up, more -in the spirit of fun than anything else, I never wanted to speak to -such a gentleman again. And I told him that if he could not tell the -difference between a real square cut emerald and one from the ten cent -store, that he had ought to be ashamed of himself. And I told him that -if he thought that every string of white beads were pearls, it was no -wonder he could make such a mistake in judging the character of a girl. -So then I began to cry because of all of Henry’s lack of faith. So then -he tried to cheer me up but I was to hurt to even give him a decent -word until we were past Newark. But by the time we were past Newark, -Henry was crying himself, and it always makes me feel so tender hearted -to listen to a gentleman cry that I finally forgave him. So, of course, -as soon as I got home I had to take them back to Cartiers. - -So then I explained to Henry how I wanted our life to mean something -and I wanted to make the World a better place than it seemed to have -been yet. And I told him that he knew so much about the film profession -on account of senshuring all of the films that I thought he had ought -to go into the film profession. Because I told him that a gentleman -like he really owed it to the world to make pure films so that he could -be an example to all of the other film corporations and show the world -what pure films were like. So Henry became very, very intreeged because -he had never thought of the film profession before. So then I told him -that we could get H. Gilbertson Montrose to write the senarios, and he -to senshure them, and I could act in them and by the time we all got -through, they would be a work of art. But they would even be purer than -most works of art seem to be. So by the time we got to Philadelphia -Henry said that he would do it, but he really did not think I had ought -to act in them. But I told him from what I had seen of society women -trying to break into the films, I did not believe that it would be so -declasée if one of them really landed. So I even talked him into that. - -So when we got to Henry’s country estate, we told all of Henry’s family -and they were all delighted. Because it is the first time since the war -that Henry’s family have had anything definite to put their minds on. I -mean Henry’s sister really jumped at the idea because she said she -would take charge of the studio trucks and keep them at a bed-rock -figure. So I even promised Henry’s mother that she could act in the -films. I mean I even believe that we could put in a close-up of her -from time to time, because after all, nearly every photoplay has to -have some comedy relief. And I promised Henry’s father that we would -wheel him through the studio and let him look at all of the actresses -and he nearly had another relapse. So then I called up Mr. Montrose and -made an appointment with him to meet Henry and talk it all over, and -Mr. Montrose, said, “Bless you, little woman.” - -So I am almost beginning to believe it, when everybody says I am -nothing but sunshine because everybody I come into contract with always -seems to become happy. I mean with the exception of Mr. Eisman. Because -when I got back to New York, I opened all of his cablegrams and I -realized that he was due to arrive on the Aquitania the very next day. -So I met him at the Aquitania and I took him to luncheon at the Ritz -and I told him all about everything. So then he became very, very -depressed because he said that just as soon as he had got me all -educated, I had to go off and get married. But I told him that he -really ought to be very proud of me, because in the future, when he -would see me at luncheon at the Ritz as the wife of the famous Henry H. -Spoffard, I would always bow to him, if I saw him, and he could point -me out to all of his friends and tell them that it was he, Gus Eisman -himself, who educated me up to my station. So that cheered Mr. Eisman -up a lot and I really do not care what he says to his friends, because, -after all, his friends are not in my set, and whatever he says to them -will not get around in my circle. So after our luncheon was all over, I -really think that, even if Mr. Eisman was not so happy, he could not -help having a sort of a feeling of relief, especially when he thinks of -all my shopping. - -So after that came my wedding and all of the Society people in New York -and Philadelphia came to my wedding and they were all so sweet to me, -because practically every one of them has written a senario. And -everybody says my wedding was very, very beautiful. I mean even Dorothy -said it was very beautiful, only Dorothy said she had to concentrate -her mind on the massacre of the Armenians to keep herself from laughing -right out loud in everybody’s face. But that only shows that not even -Matrimony is sacred to a girl like Dorothy. And after the wedding was -over, I overheard Dorothy talking to Mr. Montrose and she was telling -Mr. Montrose that she thought that I would be great in the movies if he -would write me a part that only had three expressions, Joy, Sorrow, and -Indigestion. So I do not really believe that Dorothy is such a true -friend after all. - -So Henry and I did not go on any honeymoon because I told Henry that it -really would be selfish for us to go off alone together, when all of -our activities seemed to need us so much. Because, after all, I have to -spend quite a lot of time with Mr. Montrose going over the senario -together because, Mr. Montrose says I am full of nothing so much as -ideas. - -So, in order to give Henry something to do while Mr. Montrose and I are -working on the senario I got Henry to organize a Welfare League among -all of the extra girls and get them to tell him all of their problems -so he can give them all of his spiritual aid. And it has really been a -very, very great success, because there is not much work going on at -the other studios at present so all of the extra girls have nothing -better to do and they all know that Henry will not give them a job at -our studio unless they belong. So the worse they tell Henry they have -been before they met him, the better he likes it and Dorothy says that -she was at the studio yesterday and she says that if the senarios those -extra girls have written around themselves to tell Henry could only be -screened and gotten past the sensors, the movies would move right up -out of their infancy. - -So Henry says that I have opened up a whole new world for him and he -has never been so happy in his life. And it really seems as if everyone -I know has never been so happy in their lives. Because I make Henry let -his father come to the studio every day because, after all, every -studio has to have somebody who seems to be a pest, and in our case it -might just as well be Henry’s father. So I have given orders to all of -the electricians not to drop any lights on him, but to let him have a -good time because, after all, it is the first one he has had. And as -far as Henry’s mother is concerned, she is having her hair bobbed and -her face lifted and getting ready to play Carmen because she saw a girl -called Madam Calve play it when she was on her honeymoon and she has -always really felt that she could do it better. So I do not discouradge -her, but I let her go ahead and enjoy herself. But I am not going to -bother to speak to the electricians about Henry’s mother. And Henry’s -sister has never been so happy since the Battle of Verdun, because she -has six trucks and 15 horses to look after and she says that the motion -picture profession is the nearest thing to war that she has struck -since the Armistice. And even Dorothy is very happy because Dorothy -says that she has had more laughs this month than Eddie Cantor gets in -a year. But when it comes to Mr. Montrose, I really believe that he is -happier than anybody else, because of all of the understanding and -sympathy he seems to get out of me. - -And so I am very happy myself because, after all, the greatest thing in -life is to always be making everybody else happy. And so, while -everybody is so happy, I really think it is a good time to finish my -diary because after all, I am to busy going over my senarios with Mr. -Montrose, to keep up any other kind of literary work. And I am so busy -bringing sunshine into the life of Henry that I really think, with -everything else I seem to acomplish, it is all a girl had ought to try -to do. And so I really think that I can say good-bye to my diary -feeling that, after all, everything always turns out for the best. - - - - THE END - - - - - - - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK "GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES" *** - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part -of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm -concept and trademark. 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-} -.p190width { -width:274px; -} -.p195width { -width:539px; -} -.p199width { -width:537px; -} -.xd31e1957 { -text-align:center; -} -.backwidth { -width:469px; -} -@media handheld { -} -/* ]]> */ </style> -</head> -<body> - -<div style='text-align:center; font-size:1.2em; font-weight:bold'>The Project Gutenberg eBook of "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes", by Anita Loos</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online -at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you -are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the -country where you are located before using this eBook. -</div> - -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"</p> -<p style='display:block; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:0;'>The Illuminating Diary of a Professional Lady</p> - -<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Anita Loos</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: November 27, 2021 [eBook #66829]</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Character set encoding: UTF-8</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: Jeroen Hellingman and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.)</div> - -<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK "GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES" ***</div> -<div class="front"> -<div class="div1 cover"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divBody"> -<p class="first"></p> -<div class="figure cover-imagewidth"><img src="images/cover.jpg" alt="Original Front Cover." width="492" height="720"></div><p> -</p> -</div> -</div> -<div class="div1 frenchtitle"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divBody"> -<p class="first xd31e95">“<i>Gentlemen Prefer Blondes</i>” -</p> -</div> -</div> -<div class="div1 frontispiece"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divBody"> -<p class="first"></p> -<div class="figure frontispiecewidth"><img src="images/frontispiece.jpg" alt="“Kissing your hand may make you feel very good but a diamond bracelet lasts forever.”" width="369" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>Kissing your hand may make you feel very good but a diamond bracelet lasts forever.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -</div> -</div> -<div class="div1 titlepage"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divBody"> -<p class="first"></p> -<div class="figure titlepage-imagewidth"><img src="images/titlepage.png" alt="Original Title Page." width="420" height="720"></div><p> -</p> -</div> -</div> -<div class="titlePage"> -<div class="docTitle"> -<div class="mainTitle">“<i>Gentlemen Prefer Blondes</i>”</div> -<div class="subTitle"><i>The Illuminating Diary of a Professional Lady</i></div> -</div> -<div class="byline"><i>By</i><br> -<span class="docAuthor">Anita Loos</span> -<br> -<i>Intimately Illustrated by</i><br> -<span class="docAuthor">RALPH BARTON</span></div> -<div class="docImprint"><i>NEW YORK</i><br> -BONI & LIVERIGHT<br> -<span class="docDate">1925</span></div> -</div> -<p></p> -<div class="div1 copyright"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divBody"> -<p class="first xd31e143"><i>Copyright, 1925, by</i><br> -<span class="sc">The International Magazine Co., Inc.</span><br> -(<span class="sc">Harper’s <span class="sic">Bazar</span></span>) -</p> -<p class="xd31e143"><i>Copyright, 1925, by</i> <span class="sc">Anita Loos</span> -</p> -<p class="xd31e143"><i>Printed in the United States of America</i> -</p> -<div class="table"> -<table> -<tr> -<td class="cellLeft cellTop">First printing, November, </td> -<td class="cellRight cellTop">1925</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="cellLeft">Second printing, November, </td> -<td class="cellRight">1925</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="cellLeft">Third printing, December, </td> -<td class="cellRight">1925</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="cellLeft">Fourth printing, December, </td> -<td class="cellRight">1925</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="cellLeft">Fifth printing, January, </td> -<td class="cellRight">1926</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="cellLeft">Sixth printing, January, </td> -<td class="cellRight">1926</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="cellLeft">Seventh printing, January, </td> -<td class="cellRight">1926</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="cellLeft">Eighth printing, February, </td> -<td class="cellRight">1926</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="cellLeft">Ninth printing, March, </td> -<td class="cellRight">1926</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="cellLeft">Tenth printing, March, </td> -<td class="cellRight">1926</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="cellLeft">Eleventh printing, April, </td> -<td class="cellRight">1926</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="cellLeft cellBottom">Twelfth printing, April, </td> -<td class="cellRight cellBottom">1926</td> -</tr> -</table> -</div><p> -</p> -</div> -</div> -<div class="div1 dedication"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divBody"> -<p class="first xd31e229">To<br> -JOHN EMERSON -</p> -</div> -</div> -<div id="toc" class="div1 contents"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divHead"> -<h2 class="main">CONTENTS</h2> -<table class="tocList"> -<tr> -<td class="tocDivNum">CHAPTER</td> -<td class="tocDivTitle" colspan="7"> -</td> -<td class="tocPageNum">PAGE</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tocDivNum">I.</td> -<td class="tocDivTitle" colspan="7"> <span class="sc"><a href="#ch1" id="xd31e249">Gentlemen Prefer Blondes</a></span> </td> -<td class="tocPageNum">11</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tocDivNum">II.</td> -<td class="tocDivTitle" colspan="7"> <span class="sc"><a href="#ch2" id="xd31e259">Fate Keeps on Happening</a></span> </td> -<td class="tocPageNum">39</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tocDivNum">III.</td> -<td class="tocDivTitle" colspan="7"> <span class="sc"><a href="#ch3" id="xd31e269">London Is Really Nothing</a></span> </td> -<td class="tocPageNum">63</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tocDivNum">IV.</td> -<td class="tocDivTitle" colspan="7"> <span class="sc"><a href="#ch4" id="xd31e279">Paris Is Devine</a></span> </td> -<td class="tocPageNum">93</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tocDivNum">V.</td> -<td class="tocDivTitle" colspan="7"> <span class="sc"><a href="#ch5" id="xd31e289">The Central of Europe</a></span> </td> -<td class="tocPageNum">131</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tocDivNum">VI.</td> -<td class="tocDivTitle" colspan="7"> <span class="sc"><a href="#ch6" id="xd31e299">Brains Are Really Everything</a></span> </td> -<td class="tocPageNum">175</td> -</tr> -</table> -<p><span class="pageNum" id="pb11">[<a href="#pb11">11</a>]</span></p> -</div> -</div> -</div> -<div class="body"> -<div id="ch1" class="div1 chapter"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#xd31e249">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divHead"> -<h2 class="super">GENTLEMEN<br> -PREFER BLONDES</h2> -<h2 class="label">CHAPTER ONE</h2> -<h2 class="main">GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES</h2> -</div> -<div class="divBody"> -<p class="first dateentry"><i>March 16th</i>: -</p> -<p>A gentleman friend and I were dining at the Ritz last evening and he said that if -I took a pencil and a paper and put down all of my thoughts it would make a book. -This almost made me smile as what it would really make would be a whole row of <span class="sic" title="Correction: encyclopedias">encyclopediacs</span>. I mean I seem to be thinking practically all of the time. I mean it is my favorite -recreation and sometimes I sit for hours and do not seem to do anything else but think. -So this gentleman said a girl with brains ought to do something else with them besides -think. And he said he ought to know brains when he sees them, because he is in the -senate and he spends quite a great deal of time in Washington, <span class="sic" title="Correction: D.C.">d. c.</span>, and when he comes into <span class="sic" title="Correction: contact">contract</span> with <span class="pageNum" id="pb12">[<a href="#pb12">12</a>]</span>brains he always notices it. So it might have all blown over but this morning he sent -me a book. And so when my maid brought it to me, I said to her, “Well, Lulu, here -is another book and we have not read half the ones we have got yet.” But when I opened -it and saw that it was all a blank I remembered what my gentleman acquaintance said, -and so then I realized that it was a diary. So here I am writing a book instead of -reading one. -</p> -<p>But now it is the 16th of March and of course it is <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> late to begin with January, but it does not matter as my gentleman friend, Mr. Eisman, -was in town practically all of January and February, and when he is in town one day -seems to be practically the same as the next day. -</p> -<p>I mean Mr. Eisman is in the wholesale button profession in Chicago and he is the gentleman -who is known practically all over Chicago as Gus Eisman the Button King. And he is -the gentleman who is interested in educating me, so of course he is always coming -down to New York to see how my brains have improved since the last time. But when -Mr. Eisman is in New York we always seem to do the same thing and if I wrote down -one <span class="pageNum" id="pb13">[<a href="#pb13">13</a>]</span>day in my diary, all I would have to do would be to put quotation marks for all other -days. I mean we always seem to have dinner at the Colony and see a show and go to -the Trocadero and then Mr. Eisman shows me to my apartment. So of course when a gentleman -is interested in educating a girl, he likes to stay and talk about the topics of the -day until quite late, so I am quite fatigued the next day and I do not really get -up until it is time to dress for dinner at the Colony. -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure floatRight p013width"><img src="images/p013.jpg" alt="“It would be strange if I turn out to be an authoress.”" width="280" height="537"><p class="figureHead">“<i>It would be strange if I turn out to be an authoress.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p>It would be strange if I turn out to be an authoress. I mean at my home near Little -Rock, Arkansas, my family all wanted me to do something about my music. Because all -of my friends said I had talent and they all kept after me and kept after me about -practising. <span class="pageNum" id="pb14">[<a href="#pb14">14</a>]</span>But some way I never seemed to care so much about practising. I mean I simply could -not sit for hours and hours at a time practising just for the sake of a career. So -one day I got quite tempermental and threw the old mandolin clear across the room -and I have really never touched it since. But writing is different because you do -not have to learn or practise and it is more <span class="sic" title="Correction: temperamental">tempermental</span> because practising seems to take all the <span class="sic" title="Correction: temperament">temperment</span> out of me. So now I really almost have to smile because I have just noticed that -I have written clear across two pages onto March 18th, so this will do for today and -tomorrow. And it just shows how tempermental I am when I get started. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>March 19th</i>: -</p> -<p>Well last evening Dorothy called up and Dorothy said she has met a gentleman who gave -himself an introduction to her in the lobby of the Ritz. So then they went to luncheon -and tea and dinner and then they went to a show and then they went to the Trocadero. -So Dorothy said his name was Lord Cooksleigh but what she really calls him is Coocoo. -So Dorothy said why don’t you <span class="pageNum" id="pb15">[<a href="#pb15">15</a>]</span>and I and Coocoo go to the Follies tonight and bring Gus along if he is in town? So -then Dorothy and I had quite a little quarrel because every time that Dorothy mentions -the subject of Mr. Eisman she calls Mr. Eisman by his first name, and she does not -seem to realize that when a gentleman who is as important as Mr. Eisman, spends quite -a lot of money educating a girl, it really does not show reverance to call a gentleman -by his first name. I mean I never even think of calling Mr. Eisman by his first name, -but if I want to call him anything at all, I call him “Daddy” and I do not even call -him “Daddy” if a place seems to be public. So I told Dorothy that Mr. Eisman would -not be in town until day after tomorrow. So then Dorothy and Coocoo came up and we -went to the Follies. -</p> -<p>So this morning Coocoo called up and he wanted me to luncheon at the Ritz. I mean -these foreigners really have quite a nerve. Just because Coocoo is an Englishman and -a Lord he thinks a girl can waste hours on him just for a luncheon at the Ritz, when -all he does is talk about some exposition he went on to a place called Tibet and after -talking for hours I found out that all they were was a lot <span class="pageNum" id="pb16">[<a href="#pb16">16</a>]</span>of Chinamen. So I will be quite glad to see Mr. Eisman when he gets in. Because he -always has something quite interesting to talk about, as for instants the last time -he was here he presented me with quite a beautiful emerald bracelet. So next week -is my birthday and he always has some delightful surprise on holidays. -</p> -<p>I did intend to luncheon at the Ritz with Dorothy today and of course Coocoo had to -spoil it, as I told him that I could not luncheon with him today, because my brother -was in town on business and had the mumps, so I really could not leave him alone. -Because of course if I went to the Ritz now I would bump into Coocoo. But I sometimes -almost have to smile at my own imagination, because of course I have not got any brother -and I have not even thought of the mumps for years. I mean it is no wonder that I -can write. -</p> -<p>So the reason I thought I would take luncheon at the Ritz was because Mr. Chaplin -is at the Ritz and I always like to renew old acquaintances, because I met Mr. Chaplin -once when we were both working on the same lot in Hollywood and I am sure he would -<span class="pageNum" id="pb17">[<a href="#pb17">17</a>]</span>remember me. Gentlemen always seem to remember blondes. I mean the only career I would -like to be besides an authoress is a cinema star and I was doing quite well in the -cinema when Mr. Eisman made me give it all up. Because of course when a gentleman -takes such a friendly interest in educating a girl as Mr. Eisman does, you like to -show that you appreciate it, and he is against a girl being in the cinema because -his mother is authrodox. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>March 20th</i>: -</p> -<p>Mr. Eisman gets in tomorrow to be here in time for my birthday. So I thought it would -really be delightful to have at least one good time before Mr. Eisman got in, so last -evening I had some literary gentlemen in to spend the evening because Mr. Eisman always -likes me to have literary people in and out of the apartment. I mean he is quite anxious -for a girl to improve her mind and his greatest interest in me is because I always -seem to want to improve my mind and not waste any time. And Mr. Eisman likes me to -have what the French people call a “salo” which means that people all get together -in <span class="pageNum" id="pb18">[<a href="#pb18">18</a>]</span>the evening and improve their minds. So I invited all of the brainy gentlemen I could -think up. So I thought up a gentleman who is the proffessor of all of the economics -up at Columbia College, and the editor who is the famous editor of the New York Transcript -and another gentleman who is a famous playright who writes very, very famous plays -that are all about Life. I mean anybody would recognize his name but it always seems -to slip my memory because all of we real friends of his only call him Sam. So Sam -asked if he could bring a gentleman who writes novels from England, so I said yes, -so he brought him. And then we all got together and I called up Gloria and Dorothy -and the gentleman brought their own liquor. So of course the place was a wreck this -morning and Lulu and I worked like proverbial dogs to get it cleaned up, but Heaven -knows how long it will take to get the chandelier fixed. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>March 22nd</i>: -</p> -<p>Well my birthday has come and gone but it was really quite depressing. I mean it seems -to me a gentleman who has a friendly interest in educating a girl like Gus Eisman, -<span class="pageNum" id="pb19">[<a href="#pb19">19</a>]</span>would want her to have the biggest square cut diamond in New York. I mean I must say -I was quite disappointed when he came to the apartment with a little thing you could -hardly see. So I told him I thought it was quite cute, but I had quite a headache -and I had better stay in a dark room all day and I told him I would see him the next -day, perhaps. Because even Lulu thought it was quite small and she said, if she was -I, she really would do something definite and she said she always believed in the -old addage, “Leave them while you’re looking good.” But he came in at dinner time -with really a very very beautiful bracelet of square cut diamonds so I was quite cheered -up. So then we had dinner at the Colony and we went to a show and supper at the Trocadero -as usual whenever he is in town. But I will give him credit that he realized how small -it was. I mean he kept talking about how bad business was and the button profession -was full of bolshevicks who make nothing but trouble. Because Mr. Eisman feels that -the country is really on the verge of the bolshevicks and I become quite worried. -I mean if the bolshevicks do get in, there is only one gentleman who could handle -<span class="pageNum" id="pb20">[<a href="#pb20">20</a>]</span>them and that is Mr. D. W. Griffith. Because I will never forget when Mr. Griffith -was directing Intolerance. I mean it was my last cinema just before Mr. Eisman made -me give up my career and I was playing one of the girls that fainted at the battle -when all of the gentlemen fell off the tower. And when I saw how Mr. Griffith handled -all of those mobs in Intolerance I realized that he could do anything, and I really -think that the government of America ought to tell Mr. Griffith to get all ready if -the bolshevicks start to do it. -</p> -<p>Well I forgot to mention that the English gentleman who writes novels seems to have -taken quite an interest in me, as soon as he found out that I was literary. I mean -he has called up every day and I went to tea twice with him. So he has sent me a whole -complete set of books for my birthday by a gentleman called Mr. Conrad. They all seem -to be about ocean travel although I have not had time to more than glance through -them. I have always liked novels about ocean travel ever since I posed for Mr. Christie -for the front cover of a novel about ocean travel by McGrath because I always say -that a girl <span class="pageNum" id="pb21">[<a href="#pb21">21</a>]</span>never really looks as well as she does on board a steamship, or even a yacht. -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure p021width"><img src="images/p021.jpg" alt="“He sent me a set of books by a gentleman called Mr. Conrad. They all seem to be about ocean travel.”" width="542" height="275"><p class="figureHead">“<i>He sent me a set of books by a gentleman called Mr. Conrad. They all seem to be about -ocean travel.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p>So the English gentleman’s name is Mr. Gerald Lamson as those who have read his novels -would know. And he also sent me some of his own novels and they all seem to be about -middle age English gentlemen who live in the country over in London and seem to ride -bicycles, which seems quite different from America, except at Palm Beach. So I told -Mr. Lamson how I write down all of my thoughts and he said he knew I had something -to me from the first minute he saw me and when we become better acquainted I am going -to let him read my diary. I mean I even <span class="pageNum" id="pb22">[<a href="#pb22">22</a>]</span>told Mr. Eisman about him and he is quite pleased. Because of course Mr. Lamson is -quite famous and it seems Mr. Eisman has read all of his novels going to and fro on -the trains and Mr. Eisman is always anxious to meet famous people and take them to -the Ritz to dinner on Saturday night. But of course I did not tell Mr. Eisman that -I am really getting quite a little crush on Mr. Lamson, which I really believe I am, -but Mr. Eisman thinks my interest in him is more literary. -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure p022width"><img src="images/p022.jpg" alt="“I am really getting quite a little crush on Mr. Lamson but Mr. Eisman thinks my interest in him is more literary.”" width="541" height="274"><p class="figureHead">“<i>I am really getting quite a little crush on Mr. Lamson but Mr. Eisman thinks my interest -in him is more literary.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>March 30th</i>: -</p> -<p>At last Mr. Eisman has left on the 20th Century and I must say I am quite fatigued -<span class="pageNum" id="pb23">[<a href="#pb23">23</a>]</span>and a little rest will be quite welcome. I mean I do not mind staying out late every -night if I dance, but Mr. Eisman is really not such a good dancer so most of the time -we just sit and drink some champagne or have a bite to eat and of course I do not -dance with anyone else when I am out with Mr. Eisman. But Mr. Eisman and Gerry, as -Mr. Lamson wants me to call him, became quite good friends and we had several evenings, -all three together. So now that Mr. Eisman is out of town at last, Gerry and I are -going out together this evening and Gerry said not to dress up, because Gerry seems -to like me more for my soul. So I really had to tell Gerry that if all the gentlemen -were like he seems to be, Madame Frances’ whole dress making establishment would have -to go out of business. But Gerry does not like a girl to be nothing else but a doll, -but he likes her to bring in her husband’s slippers every evening and make him forget -what he has gone through. -</p> -<p>But before Mr. Eisman went to Chicago he told me that he is going to Paris this summer -on professional business and I think he intends to present me with a trip to Paris -as <span class="pageNum" id="pb24">[<a href="#pb24">24</a>]</span>he says there is nothing so educational as traveling. I mean it did worlds of good -to Dorothy when she went abroad last spring and I never get tired of hearing her telling -how the merry-go-rounds in Paris have pigs instead of horses. But I really do not -know whether to be thrilled or not because, of course, if I go to Paris I will have -to leave Gerry and both Gerry and I have made up our minds not to be separated from -one another from now on. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>March 31st</i>: -</p> -<p>Last night Gerry and I had dinner at quite a quaint place where we had roast beef -and baked potato. I mean he always wants me to have food which is what he calls “nourishing” -which most gentlemen never seem to think about. So then we took a hansom cab and drove -for hours around the park because Gerry said the air would be good for me. It is really -very sweet to have some one think of all those things that gentlemen hardly ever seem -to think about. So then we talked quite a lot. I mean Gerry knows how to draw a girl -out and I told him things that I really would not even put in my diary. So when <span class="pageNum" id="pb25">[<a href="#pb25">25</a>]</span>he heard all about my life he became quite depressed and we both had tears in our -eyes. Because he said he never dreamed a girl could go through so much as I, and come -out so sweet and not made bitter by it all. I mean Gerry thinks that most gentlemen -are brutes and hardly ever think about a girl’s soul. -</p> -<p>So it seems that Gerry has had quite a lot of trouble himself and he can not even -get married on account of his wife. He and she have never been in love with each other -but she was a suffragette and asked him to marry her, so what could he do? So we rode -all around the park until quite late talking and philosophizing quite a lot and I -finally told him that I thought, after all, that bird life was the highest form of -civilization. So Gerry calls me his little thinker and I really would not be surprised -if all of my thoughts will give him quite a few ideas for his novels. Because Gerry -says he has never seen a girl of my personal appearance with so many brains. And he -had almost given up looking for his ideal when our paths seemed to cross each other -and I told him I really thought a thing like that was nearly always the result of -fate. -<span class="pageNum" id="pb26">[<a href="#pb26">26</a>]</span></p> -<p>So Gerry says that I remind him quite a lot of Helen of Troy, who was of Greek extraction. -But the only Greek I know is a Greek gentleman by the name of Mr. Georgopolis who -is really quite wealthy and he is what Dorothy and I call a “Shopper” because you -can always call him up at any hour and ask him to go shopping and he is always quite -delighted, which very few gentlemen seem to be. And he never seems to care how much -anything costs. I mean Mr. Georgopolis is also quite cultured, as I know quite a few -gentlemen who can speak to a waiter in French but Mr. Georgopolis can also speak to -a waiter in Greek which very few gentlemen seem to be able to do. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>April 1st</i>: -</p> -<p>I am taking special pains with my diary from now on as I am really writing it for -Gerry. I mean he and I are going to read it together some evening in front of the -fireplace. But Gerry leaves this evening for Boston as he has to lecture about all -of his works at Boston, but he will rush right back as soon as possible. So I am going -to spend all of my time improving myself while he is <span class="pageNum" id="pb27">[<a href="#pb27">27</a>]</span>gone. And this afternoon we are both going to a museum on 5th Avenue, because Gerry -wants to show me a very very beautiful cup made by an antique jeweler called Mr. Cellini -and he wants me to read Mr. Cellini’s life which is a very very fine book and not -dull while he is in Boston. -</p> -<p>So the famous playright friend of mine who is called Sam called up this morning and -he wanted me to go to a literary party tonight that he and some other literary gentlemen -are giving to Florence Mills in Harlem but Gerry does not want me to go with Sam as -Sam always insists on telling riskay stories. But personally I am quite broad minded -and I always say that I do not mind a riskay story as long as it is really funny. -I mean I have a great sense of humor. But Gerry says Sam does not always select and -choose his stories and he just as soon I did not go out with him. So I am going to -stay home and read the book by Mr. Cellini instead, because, after all, the only thing -I am really interested in, is improving my mind. So I am going to do nothing else -but improve my mind while Gerry is in Boston. I mean I just received a cable from -Willie Gwynn <span class="pageNum" id="pb28">[<a href="#pb28">28</a>]</span>who arrives from Europe tomorrow, but I am not even going to bother to see him. He -is a sweet boy but he never gets anywhere and I am not going to waste my time on such -as him, after meeting a gentleman like Gerry. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>April 2nd</i>: -</p> -<p>I seem to be quite depressed this morning as I always am when there is nothing to -put my mind to. Because I decided not to read the book by Mr. Cellini. I mean it was -quite amuseing in spots because it was really quite riskay but the spots were not -so close together and I never seem to like to always be hunting clear through a book -for the spots I am looking for, especially when there are really not so many spots -that seem to be so amuseing after all. So I did not waste my time on it but this morning -I told Lulu to let all of the house work go and spend the day reading a book entitled -“Lord Jim” and then tell me all about it, so that I would improve my mind while Gerry -is away. But when I got her the book I nearly made a mistake and gave her a book by -the title of “The Nigger of the Narcissus” which really would have hurt her feelings. -I mean I do not know why authors <span class="pageNum" id="pb29">[<a href="#pb29">29</a>]</span>cannot say “Negro” instead of “Nigger” as they have their feelings just the same as -we have. -</p> -<p>Well I just got a telegram from Gerry that he will not be back until tomorrow and -also some orchids from Willie Gwynn, so I may as well go to the theatre with Willie -tonight to keep from getting depressed, as he really is a sweet boy after all. I mean -he never really does anything obnoxious. And it is quite depressing to stay at home -and do nothing but read, unless you really have a book that is worth bothering about. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>April 3rd</i>: -</p> -<p>I was really so depressed this morning that I was even glad to get a letter from Mr. -Eisman. Because last night Willie Gwynn came to take me to the Follies, but he was -so intoxicated that I had to telephone his club to send around a taxi to take him -home. So that left me alone with Lulu at nine o’clock with nothing to do, so I put -in a telephone call for Boston to talk to Gerry but it never went through. So Lulu -tried to teach me how to play mah jong, but I really could not keep my mind on it -because I was so depressed. <span class="pageNum" id="pb30">[<a href="#pb30">30</a>]</span>So today I think I had better go over to Madame Frances and order some new evening -gowns to cheer me up. -</p> -<p>Well Lulu just brought me a telegram from Gerry that he will be in this afternoon, -but I must not meet him at the station on account of all of the reporters who always -meet him at the station wherever he comes from. But he says he will come right up -to see me as he has something to talk about. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>April 4th</i>: -</p> -<p>What an evening we had last evening. I mean it seems that Gerry is madly in love with -me. Because all of the time he was in Boston lecturing to the womens clubs he said, -as he looked over the faces of all those club women in Boston, he never realized I -was so beautiful. And he said that there was only one in all the world and that was -me. But it seems that Gerry thinks that Mr. Eisman is terrible and that no good can -come of our friendship. I mean I was quite surprised, as they both seemed to get along -quite well together, but it seems that Gerry never wants me to see Mr. Eisman again. -And he wants me to give up everything and <span class="pageNum" id="pb31">[<a href="#pb31">31</a>]</span>study French and he will get a divorce and we will be married. Because Gerry does -not seem to like the kind of life all of us lead in New York and he wants me to go -home to papa in Arkansas and he will send me books to read so that I will not get -lonesome there. And he gave me his uncle’s Masonic ring, which came down from the -time of Soloman and which he never even lets his wife wear, for our engagement ring, -and this afternoon a lady friend of his is going to bring me a new system she thought -up of how to learn French. But some way I still seem to be depressed. I mean I could -not sleep all night thinking of the terrible things Gerry said about New York and -about Mr. Eisman. Of course I can understand Gerry being jealous of any gentleman -friend of mine and of course I never really thought that Mr. Eisman was Rudolph Valentino, -but Gerry said it made him cringe to think of a sweet girl like I having a friendship -with Mr. Eisman. So it really made me feel quite depressed. I mean Gerry likes to -talk quite a lot and I always think a lot of talk is depressing and worries your brains -with things you never even think of when you are busy. But so <span class="pageNum" id="pb32">[<a href="#pb32">32</a>]</span>long as Gerry does not mind me going out with other gentlemen when they have something -to give you mentally, I am going to luncheon with Eddie Goldmark of the Goldmark Films -who is always wanting me to sign a contract to go into the cinema. Because Mr. Goldmark -is madly in love with Dorothy and Dorothy is always wanting me to go back in the cinema -because Dorothy says that she will go if I will go. -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure p032width"><img src="images/p032.jpg" alt="“He said it made him cringe to think of a sweet girl like I having a friendship with Mr. Eisman.”" width="537" height="274"><p class="figureHead">“<i>He said it made him cringe to think of a sweet girl like I having a friendship with -Mr. Eisman.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>April 6th</i>: -</p> -<p>Well I finally wrote Mr. Eisman that I was going to get married and it seems that -he is coming on at once as he would probably <span class="pageNum" id="pb33">[<a href="#pb33">33</a>]</span>like to give me his advice. Getting married is really quite serious and Gerry talks -to me for hours and hours about it. I mean he never seems to get tired of talking -and he does not seem to even want to go to shows or dance or do anything else but -talk, and if I don’t really have something definite to put my mind on soon I will -scream. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>April 7th</i>: -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure p033width"><img src="images/p033.jpg" alt="“He said I would be dragged into the scandal of a divorce court and get my name smirched.”" width="541" height="275"><p class="figureHead">“<i>He said I would be dragged into the scandal of a divorce court and get my name smirched.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure floatLeft p034width"><img src="images/p034.jpg" alt="“So I am sailing for France and London on Tuesday and taking Dorothy with me and Mr. Eisman will see us there later.”" width="277" height="535"><p class="figureHead">“<i>So I am sailing for France and London on Tuesday and taking Dorothy with me and Mr. -Eisman will see us there later.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p>Well Mr. Eisman arrived this morning and he and I had quite a long talk, and after -all I think he is right. Because here is the first real opportunity I have ever really -had. I mean to go to Paris and broaden out and <span class="pageNum" id="pb34">[<a href="#pb34">34</a>]</span>improve my writing, and why should I give it up to marry an author, where he is the -whole thing and all I would be would be the wife of Gerald Lamson? And on top of that -I would have to be dragged into the scandal of a divorce court and get my name smirched. -So Mr. Eisman said that opportunities come <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> seldom in a girls life for me to give up the first one I have really ever had. So -I am sailing for France and London on Tuesday and taking Dorothy with me and Mr. Eisman -says that he will see us there later. So Dorothy knows all of the ropes and she can -get along in Paris just as though she knew French and besides she knows a French gentleman -who was born and raised there, who <span class="pageNum" id="pb35">[<a href="#pb35">35</a>]</span>speaks it like a native and knows Paris like a book. And Dorothy says that when we -get to London nearly everybody speaks English anyway. So it is quite lucky that Mr. -Lamson is out lecturing in Cincinnati and he will not be back until Wednesday and -I can send him a letter and tell him that I have to go to Europe now but I will see -him later perhaps. So anyway I will be spared listening to any more of his depressing -conversation. So Mr. Eisman gave me quite a nice string of pearls and he gave Dorothy -a diamond pin and we all went to the Colony for dinner and we all went to a show and -supper at the Trocadero and we all spent quite a pleasant evening. -<span class="pageNum" id="pb39">[<a href="#pb39">39</a>]</span></p> -</div> -</div> -<div id="ch2" class="div1 chapter"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#xd31e259">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divHead"> -<h2 class="label">CHAPTER TWO</h2> -<h2 class="main">FATE KEEPS ON HAPPENING</h2> -</div> -<div class="divBody"> -<p class="first dateentry"><i>April 11th</i>: -</p> -<p>Well Dorothy and I are really on the ship sailing to Europe as anyone could tell by -looking at the ocean. I always love the ocean. I mean I always love a ship and I really -love the <i>Majestic</i> because you would not know it was a ship because it is just like being at the Ritz, -and the steward says the ocean is not so obnoxious this month as it generally is. -So Mr. Eisman is going to meet us next month in Paris because he has to be there on -business. I mean he always says that there is really no place to see the latest styles -in buttons like Paris. -</p> -<p>So Dorothy is out taking a walk up and down the deck with a gentleman she met on the -steps, but I am not going to waste my time going around with gentlemen because if -I did nothing but go around I would not finish my diary or read good books which I -am always reading to improve my mind. But Dorothy really does not care about her <span class="pageNum" id="pb40">[<a href="#pb40">40</a>]</span>mind and I always scold her because she does nothing but waste her time by going around -with gentlemen who do not have anything, when Eddie Goldmark of the Goldmark Films -is really quite wealthy and can make a girl delightful presents. But she does nothing -but waste her time and yesterday, which was really the day before we sailed, she would -not go to luncheon with Mr. Goldmark but she went to luncheon to meet a gentleman -called Mr. Mencken from Baltimore who really only prints a green magazine which has -not even got any pictures in it. But Mr. Eisman is always saying that every girl does -not want to get ahead and get educated like me. -</p> -<p>So Mr. Eisman and Lulu come down to the boat to see me off and Lulu cried quite a -lot. I mean I really believe she could not care any more for me if she was light and -not colored. Lulu has had a very sad life because when she was quite young a pullman -porter fell madly in love with her. So she believed him and he lured her away from -her home to Ashtabula and deceived her there. So she finally found out that she had -been deceived and she really was broken hearted and when she <span class="pageNum" id="pb41">[<a href="#pb41">41</a>]</span>tried to go back home she found out that it was <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> late because her best girl friend, who she had always trusted, had stolen her husband -and he would not take Lulu back. So I have always said to her she could always work -for me and she is going to take care of the apartment until I get back, because I -would not sublet the apartment because Dorothy sublet her apartment when she went -to Europe last year and the gentleman who sublet the apartment allowed girls to pay -calls on him who were not nice. -</p> -<p>Mr. Eisman has litereally filled our room with flowers and the steward has had quite -a hard time to find enough vases to put them into. I mean the steward said he knew -as soon as he saw Dorothy and I that he would have quite a heavy run on vases. And -of course Mr. Eisman has sent me quite a lot of good books as he always does, because -he always knows that good books are always welcome. So he has sent me quite a large -book of Etiquette as he says there is quite a lot of Etiquette in England and London -and it would be a good thing for a girl to learn. So I am going to take it on the -deck after luncheon and read it, because I would <span class="pageNum" id="pb42">[<a href="#pb42">42</a>]</span>often like to know what a girl ought to do when a gentleman she has just met, says -something to her in a taxi. Of course I always become quite vexed but I always believe -in giving a gentleman another chance. -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure floatLeft p042width"><img src="images/p042.jpg" alt="“The steward said he knew as soon as he saw Dorothy and I that he would have quite a heavy run on vases.”" width="277" height="535"><p class="figureHead">“<i>The steward said he knew as soon as he saw Dorothy and I that he would have quite -a heavy run on vases.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p>So now the steward tells me it is luncheon time, so I will go upstairs as the gentleman -Dorothy met on the steps has invited us to luncheon in the Ritz, which is a special -dining room on the ship where you can spend quite a lot of money because they really -give away the food in the other dining room. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>April 12th</i>: -</p> -<p>I am going to stay in bed this morning as I am quite upset as I saw a gentleman <span class="pageNum" id="pb43">[<a href="#pb43">43</a>]</span>who quite upset me. I am not really sure it was the gentleman, as I saw him at quite -a distants in the bar, but if it really is the gentleman it shows that when a girl -has a lot of fate in her life it is sure to keep on happening. So when I thought I -saw this gentleman I was with Dorothy and Major Falcon, who is the gentleman Dorothy -met on the steps, and Major Falcon noticed that I became upset, so he wanted me to -tell him what was the matter, but it is really so terrible that I would not want to -tell anyone. So I said good night to Major Falcon and I left him with Dorothy and -I went down to our room and did nothing but cry and send the steward for some champagne -to cheer me up. I mean champagne always makes me feel philosophical because it makes -me realize that when a girl’s life is as full of fate as mine seems to be, there is -nothing else to do about it. So this morning the steward brought me my coffee and -quite a large pitcher of ice water so I will stay in bed and not have any more champagne -until luncheon time. -</p> -<p>Dorothy never has any fate in her life and she does nothing but waste her time and -I really wonder if I did right to bring her with <span class="pageNum" id="pb44">[<a href="#pb44">44</a>]</span>me and not Lulu. I mean she really gives gentlemen a bad impression as she talks quite -a lot of slang. Because when I went up yesterday to meet she and Major Falcon for -luncheon, I overheard her say to Major Falcon that she really liked to become intoxicated -once in a “dirty” while. Only she did not say intoxicated, but she really said a slang -word that means intoxicated and I am always having to tell her that “dirty” is a slang -word and she really should not say “dirty.” -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure p044width"><img src="images/p044.jpg" alt="“I overheard Dorothy tell Major Falcon that she liked to become intoxicated once in a dirty while.”" width="540" height="271"><p class="figureHead">“<i>I overheard Dorothy tell Major Falcon that she liked to become intoxicated once in -a dirty while.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p>Major Falcon is really quite a delightful gentleman for an Englishman. I mean he really -spends quite a lot of money and we had quite a delightful luncheon and dinner in the -Ritz until I thought I saw the gentleman who <span class="pageNum" id="pb45">[<a href="#pb45">45</a>]</span>upset me and I am so upset I think I will get dressed and go up on the deck and see -if it really is the one I think it is. I mean there is nothing else for me to do as -I have finished writing in my diary for today and I have decided not to read the book -of Ettiquette as I glanced through it and it does not seem to have anything in it -that I would care to know because it wastes quite a lot of time telling you what to -call a Lord and all the Lords I have met have told me what to call them and it is -generally some quite cute name like Coocoo whose real name is really Lord Cooksleigh. -So I will not waste my time on such a book. But I wish I did not feel so upset about -the gentleman I think I saw. -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure p046width"><img src="images/p046.jpg" alt="“So Mr. Ginsberg changed his name to Mr. Mountginz which he really thinks is more aristocratic.”" width="540" height="271"><p class="figureHead">“<i>So Mr. Ginsberg changed his name to Mr. Mountginz which he really thinks is more aristocratic.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>April 13th</i>: -</p> -<p>It really is the gentleman I thought I saw. I mean when I found out it was the gentleman -my heart really stopped. Because it all brought back things that anybody does not -like to remember, no matter who they are. So yesterday when I went up on the deck -to see if I could see the gentleman and see if it really was him, I met quite a delightful -gentleman who I met once at a party called <span class="pageNum" id="pb46">[<a href="#pb46">46</a>]</span>Mr. Ginzberg. Only his name is not Mr. Ginzberg any more because a gentleman in London -called Mr. Battenburg, who is some relation to some king, changed his name to Mr. -Mountbatten which Mr. Ginzberg says really means the same thing after all. So Mr. -Ginsberg changed his name to Mr. Mountginz which he really thinks is more aristocratic. -So we walked around the deck and we met the gentleman face to face and I really saw -it was him and he really saw it was me. I mean his face became so red it was almost -a picture. So I was so upset I said good-bye to Mr. Mountginz and I started to rush -right down to my room and cry. But when I was going down the steps, I bumped right -into Major Falcon <span class="pageNum" id="pb47">[<a href="#pb47">47</a>]</span>who noticed that I was upset. So Major Falcon made me go to the Ritz and have some -champagne and tell him all about it. -</p> -<p>So then I told Major Falcon about the time in Arkansas when Papa sent me to Little -Rock to study how to become a stenographer. I mean Papa and I had quite a little quarrel -because Papa did not like a gentleman who used to pay calls on me in the park and -Papa thought it would do me good to get away for awhile. So I was in the business -colledge in Little Rock for about a week when a gentleman called Mr. Jennings paid -a call on the business colledge because he wanted to have a new stenographer. So he -looked over all we colledge girls and he picked me out. So he told our teacher that -he would help me finish my course in his office because he was only a lawyer and I -really did not have to know so much. So Mr. Jennings helped me quite a lot and I stayed -in his office about a year when I found out that he was not the kind of a gentleman -that a young girl is safe with. I mean one evening when I went to pay a call on him -at his apartment, I found a girl there who really was famous all over Little Rock -for not <span class="pageNum" id="pb48">[<a href="#pb48">48</a>]</span>being nice. So when I found out that girls like that paid calls on Mr. Jennings I -had quite a bad case of histerics and my mind was really a blank and when I came out -of it, it seems that I had a revolver in my hand and it seems that the revolver had -shot Mr. Jennings. -</p> -<p>So this gentleman on the boat was really the District Attorney who was at the trial -and he really was quite harsh at the trial and he called me names that I would not -even put in my diary. Because everyone at the trial except the District Attorney was -really lovely to me and all the gentlemen in the jury all cried when my lawyer pointed -at me and told them that they practically all had had either a mother or a sister. -So the jury was only out three minutes and then they came back and acquitted me and -they were all so lovely that I really had to kiss all of them and when I kissed the -judge he had tears in his eyes and he took me right home to his sister. I mean it -was when Mr. Jennings became shot that I got the idea to go into the cinema, so Judge -Hibbard got me a ticket to Hollywood. So it was Judge Hibbard who really gave me my -name because <span class="pageNum" id="pb49">[<a href="#pb49">49</a>]</span>he did not like the name I had because he said a girl ought to have a name that ought -to express her personality. So he said my name ought to be Lorelei which is the name -of a girl who became famous for sitting on a rock in Germany, So I was in Hollywood -in the cinema when I met Mr. Eisman and he said that a girl with my brains ought not -to be in the cinema but she ought to be educated, so he took me out of the cinema -so he could educate me. -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure p049width"><img src="images/p049.jpg" alt="“So when they acquitted me I kissed the judge and they all had tears in their eyes.”" width="536" height="273"><p class="figureHead">“<i>So when they acquitted me I kissed the judge and they all had tears in their eyes.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p>So Major Falcon was really quite interested in everything I talked about, because -he said it was quite a co-instance because this District Attorney, who is called Mr. -Bartlett, is now working for the government of America <span class="pageNum" id="pb50">[<a href="#pb50">50</a>]</span>and he is on his way to a place called Vienna on some business for Uncle Sam that -is quite a great secret and Mr. Falcon would like very much to know what the secret -is, because the Government in London sent him to America especially to find out what -it was. Only of course Mr. Bartlett does not know who Major Falcon is, because it -is such a great secret, but Major Falcon can tell me, because he knows who he can -trust. So Major Falcon says he thinks a girl like I ought to forgive and forget what -Mr. Bartlett called me and he wants to bring us together and he says he thinks Mr. -Bartlett would talk to me quite a lot when he really gets to know me and I forgive -him for that time in Little Rock. Because it would be quite romantic for Mr. Bartlett -and I to become friendly, and gentlemen who work for Uncle Sam generally like to become -romantic with girls. So he is going to bring us together on the deck after dinner -tonight and I am going to forgive him and talk with him quite a lot, because why should -a girl hold a grudge against a gentleman who had to do it. So Major Falcon brought -me quite a large bottle of perfume and a quite cute <span class="pageNum" id="pb51">[<a href="#pb51">51</a>]</span>imitation of quite a large size dog in the little shop which is on board the boat. -I mean Major Falcon really knows how to cheer a girl up quite a lot and so tonight -I am going to make it all up with Mr. Bartlett. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>April 14th</i>: -</p> -<p>Well Mr. Bartlett and I made it all up last night and we are going to be the best -of friends and talk quite a lot. So when I went down to my room quite late Major Falcon -came down to see if I and Mr. Bartlett were really going to be friends because he -said a girl with brains like I ought to have lots to talk about with a gentleman with -brains like Mr. Bartlett who knows all of Uncle Sam’s secrets. -</p> -<p>So I told Major Falcon how Mr. Bartlett thinks that he and I seem to be like a play, -because all the time he was calling me all those names in Little Rock he really thought -I was. So when he found out that I turned out not to be, he said he always thought -that I only used my brains against gentlemen and really had quite a cold heart. But -now he thinks I ought to write a play about how he called me all those names in Little -Rock and <span class="pageNum" id="pb52">[<a href="#pb52">52</a>]</span>then, after seven years, we became friendly. -</p> -<p>So I told Major Falcon that I told Mr. Bartlett I would like to write the play but -I really did not have time as it takes quite a lot of time to write my diary and read -good books. So Mr. Bartlett did not know that I read books which is quite a co-instance -because he reads them to. So he is going to bring me a book of philosophy this afternoon -called “Smile, Smile, Smile” which all the brainy senators in Washington are reading -which cheers you up quite a lot. -</p> -<p>So I told Major Falcon that having a friendship with Mr. <span class="sic" title="Correction: Bartlett">Barlett</span> was really quite enervating because Mr. Bartlett does not drink anything and the -less anybody says about his dancing the better. But he did ask me to dine at his table, -which is not in the Ritz and I told him I could not, but Major Falcon told me I ought -to, but I told Major Falcon that there was a limit to almost everything. So I am going -to stay in my room until luncheon and I am going to luncheon in the Ritz with Mr. -Mountginz who really knows how to treat a girl. -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure p053width"><img src="images/p053.jpg" alt="“The steward has had quite a sad life and he likes to tell me all about himself.”" width="531" height="267"><p class="figureHead">“<i>The steward has had quite a sad life and he likes to tell me all about himself.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p>Dorothy is up on the deck wasting quite a lot of time with a gentleman who is <span class="pageNum" id="pb53">[<a href="#pb53">53</a>]</span>only a tennis champion. So I am going to ring for the steward and have some champagne -which is quite good for a person on a boat. The steward is really quite a nice boy -and he has had quite a sad life and he likes to tell me all about himself. I mean -it seems that he was arrested in Flatbush because he promised a gentleman that he -would bring him some very very good scotch and they mistook him for a bootlegger. -So it seems they put him in a prison and they put him in a cell with two other gentlemen -who were very, very famous burglars. I mean they really had their pictures in all -the newspapers and everybody was talking about them. So my steward, whose real name -is Fred, was <span class="pageNum" id="pb54">[<a href="#pb54">54</a>]</span>very very proud to be in the same cell with such famous burglars. So when they asked -him what he was in for, he did not like to tell them that he was only a bootlegger, -so he told them that he set fire to a house and burned up quite a large family in -Oklahoma. So everything would have gone alright except that the police had put a dictaphone -in the cell and used it all against him and he could not get out until they had investigated -all the fires in Oklahoma. So I always think that it is much more educational to talk -to a boy like Fred who has been through a lot and really suffered than it is to talk -to a gentleman like Mr. Bartlett. But I will have to talk to Mr. Bartlett all afternoon -as Major Falcon has made an appointment for me to spend the whole afternoon with him. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>April 15th</i>: -</p> -<p>Last night there was quite a maskerade ball on the ship which was really all for the -sake of charity because most of the sailors seem to have orphans which they get from -going on the ocean when the sea is very rough. So they took up quite a collection -and Mr. Bartlett made quite a long speech in favor of <span class="pageNum" id="pb55">[<a href="#pb55">55</a>]</span>orphans especially when their parents are sailors. Mr. Bartlett really likes to make -speeches quite a lot. I mean he even likes to make speeches when he is all alone with -a girl when they are walking up and down a deck. But the maskerade ball was quite -cute and one gentleman really looked almost like an imitation of Mr. Chaplin. So Dorothy -and I really did not want to go to the ball but Mr. Bartlett bought us two scarfs -at the little store which is on the ship so we tied them around our hips and everyone -said we made quite a cute Carmen. So Mr. Bartlett and Major Falcon and the tennis -champion were the Judges. So Dorothy and I won the prizes. I mean I really hope I -do not get any more large size imitations of a dog as I have three now and I do not -see why the Captain does not ask Mr. Cartier to have a jewelry store on the ship as -it is really not much fun to go shopping on a ship with gentlemen, and buy nothing -but imitations of dogs. -</p> -<p>So after we won the prizes I had an engagement to go up on the top of the deck with -Mr. Bartlett as it seems he likes to look at the moonlight quite a lot. So I told -him <span class="pageNum" id="pb56">[<a href="#pb56">56</a>]</span>to go up and wait for me and I would be up later as I promised a dance to Mr. Mountginz. -So he asked me how long I would be dancing till, but I told him to wait up there and -he would find out. So Mr. Mountginz and I had quite a delightful dance and champagne -until Major Falcon found us. Because he was looking for me and he said I really should -not keep Mr. Bartlett waiting. So I went up on the deck and Mr. Bartlett was up there -waiting for me and it seems that he really is madly in love with me because he did -not sleep a wink since we became friendly. Because he never thought that I really -had brains but now that he knows it, it seems that he has been looking for a girl -like me for years, and he said that really the place for me when he got back home -was Washington d. c. where he lives. So I told him I thought a thing like that was -nearly always the result of fate. So he wanted me to get off the ship tomorrow at -France and take the same trip that he is taking to Vienna as it seems that Vienna -is in France and if you go on to England you go to far. But I told him that I could -not because I thought that if he was really madly in love with me he would take <span class="pageNum" id="pb58">[<a href="#pb58">58</a>]</span>a trip to London instead. But he told me that he had serious business in Vienna that -was a very, very great secret. But I told him I did not believe it was business but -that it really was some girl, because what business could be so important? So he said -it was business for the United States government at Washington and he could not tell -anybody what it was. So then we looked at the moonlight quite a lot. So I told him -I would go to Vienna if I really knew it was business and not some girl, because I -could not see how business could be so important. So then he told me all about it. -So it seems that Uncle Sam wants some new aeroplanes that everybody else seems to -want, especially England, and Uncle Sam has quite a clever way to get them which is -to long to put in my diary. So we sat up and saw the sun rise and I became quite stiff -and told him I would have to go down to my room because, after all, the ship lands -at France today and I said if I got off the boat at France to go to Vienna with him -I would have to pack up. -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure p057width"><img src="images/p057.jpg" alt="“Mr. Bartlett said he did not sleep a wink since we became friendly.”" width="370" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>Mr. Bartlett said he did not sleep a wink since we became friendly.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p>So I went down to my room and went to bed. So then Dorothy came in and she was up -on the deck with the tennis champion but <span class="pageNum" id="pb59">[<a href="#pb59">59</a>]</span>she did not notice the sun rise as she really does not love nature but always wastes -her time and ruins her clothes even though I always tell her not to drink champagne -out of a bottle on the deck of the ship as it lurches quite a lot. So I am going to -have luncheon in my room and I will send a note to Mr. Bartlett to tell him I will -not be able to get off the boat at France to go to Vienna with him as I have quite -a headache, but I will see him sometime somewhere else. So Major Falcon is going to -come down at 12 and I have got to thinking over what Mr. Bartlett called me at Little -Rock and I am quite upset. I mean a gentleman never pays for those things but a girl -always pays. So I think I will tell Major Falcon all about the airoplane business -as he really wants to know. And, after all I do not think Mr. Bartlett is a gentleman -to call me all those names in Little Rock even if it was seven years ago. I mean Major -Falcon is always a gentleman and he really wants to do quite a lot for us in London. -Because he knows the Prince of Wales and he thinks that Dorothy and I would like the -Prince of Wales once we had really got to meet him. So I am going to stay in my <span class="pageNum" id="pb60">[<a href="#pb60">60</a>]</span>room until Mr. Bartlett gets off the ship at France, because I really do not seem -to care if I never see Mr. Bartlett again. -</p> -<p>So tomorrow we will be at England bright and early. And I really feel quite thrilled -because Mr. Eisman sent me a cable this morning, as he does every morning, and he -says to take advantage of everybody we meet as traveling is the highest form of education. -I mean Mr. Eisman is always right and Major Falcon knows all the sights in London -including the Prince of Wales so it really looks like Dorothy and I would have quite -a delightful time in London. -<span class="pageNum" id="pb63">[<a href="#pb63">63</a>]</span></p> -</div> -</div> -<div id="ch3" class="div1 chapter"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#xd31e269">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divHead"> -<h2 class="label">CHAPTER THREE</h2> -<h2 class="main">LONDON IS REALLY NOTHING</h2> -</div> -<div class="divBody"> -<p class="first dateentry"><i>April 17th</i>: -</p> -<p>Well, Dorothy and I are really at London. I mean we got to London on the train yesterday -as the boat does not come clear up to London but it stops on the beach and you have -to take a train. I mean everything is much better in New York, because the boat comes -right up to New York and I am really beginning to think that London is not so educational -after all. But I did not tell Mr. Eisman when I cabled him last night because Mr. -Eisman really sent me to London to get educated and I would hate to tell him that -London is a failure because we know more in New York. -</p> -<p>So Dorothy and I came to the Ritz and it is delightfully full of Americans. I mean -you would really think it was New York because I always think that the most delightful -thing about traveling is to always be running into Americans and to always feel at -home. -<span class="pageNum" id="pb64">[<a href="#pb64">64</a>]</span></p> -<p>So yesterday Dorothy and I went down to luncheon at the Ritz and we saw a quite cute -little blond girl at the next table and I nudged Dorothy under the table, because -I do not think it is nice to nudge a person on top of the table as I am trying to -teach good manners to Dorothy. So I said “That is quite a cute little girl so she -must be an American girl.” And sure enough she called the head-waiter with quite -an American accent and she was quite angry and she said to him, I have been coming -to this hotel for 35 years and this is the first time I have been kept waiting. So -I recognized her voice because it was really Fanny Ward. So we asked her to come over -to our table and we were all three delighted to see each other. Because I and Fanny -have known each other for about five years but I really feel as if I knew her better -because mama knew her 45 years ago when she and mama used to go to school together -and mama used to always follow all her weddings in all the newspapers. So now Fanny -lives in London and is famous for being one of the cutest girls in London. I mean -Fanny is almost historical, because when a girl is cute for 50 years it really begins -to get historical. -<span class="pageNum" id="pb65">[<a href="#pb65">65</a>]</span> -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure p065width"><img src="images/p065.jpg" alt="“So I recognized her voice because it was really Fanny Ward.”" width="367" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>So I recognized her voice because it was really Fanny Ward.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -<span class="pageNum" id="pb66">[<a href="#pb66">66</a>]</span></p> -<p>So if mama did not die of hardening of the arterys she and Fanny and I could have -quite a delightful time in London as Fanny loves to shop. So we went shopping for -hats and instead of going to the regular shop we went to the childrens department -and Fanny and I bought some quite cute hats as childrens hats only cost half as much -and Fanny does it all the time. I mean Fanny really loves hats and she buys some in -the children’s department every week, so she really saves quite a lot of money. -</p> -<p>So we came back to the Ritz to meet Major Falcon because Major Falcon invited us to -go to tea with him at a girls house called Lady Shelton. So Major Falcon invited Fanny -to go with us <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span>, but she was sorry because she had to go to her music lesson. -</p> -<p>So at Lady Sheltons house we met quite a few people who seemed to be English. I mean -some of the girls in London seem to be Ladies which seems to be the opposite of a -Lord. And some who are not Ladies are honorable. But quite a few are not Ladies or -honorable either, but are just like us, so all you have to call them is “Miss.” So -Lady Shelton was really delighted to have we <span class="pageNum" id="pb67">[<a href="#pb67">67</a>]</span>Americans come to her house. I mean she took Dorothy and I into the back parlor and -tried to sell us some shell flowers she seems to make out of sea shells for 25 pounds. -So we asked her how much it was in money and it seems it is 125 dollars. I mean I -am really going to have a quite hard time in London with Dorothy because she really -should not say to an English lady what she said. I mean she should not say to an English -lady that in America we use shells the same way only we put a dry pea under one of -them and we call it a game. But I told Lady Shelton we really did not need any shell -flowers. So Lady Shelton said she knew we Americans loved dogs so she would love us -to meet her mother. -</p> -<p>So then she took Dorothy and Major Falcon and I to her mother’s house which was just -around the corner from her house. Because her mother seems to be called a Countess -and raise dogs. So her mother was having a party too, and she seemed to have quite -red hair and quite a lot of paint for such an elderly lady. So the first thing she -asked us was she asked us if we bought some shell flowers from her daughter. So we -told her no. But she did not seem to act like a Countess <span class="pageNum" id="pb68">[<a href="#pb68">68</a>]</span>of her elderly age should act. Because she said, “You were right my dears—don’t let -my daughter stick you—they fall apart in less than a week.” So then she asked us if -we would like to buy a dog. I mean I could not stop Dorothy but she said “How long -before the dogs fall apart?” But I do not think the Countess acted like a Countess -ought to act because she laughed very, very loud and she said that Dorothy was really -priceless and she grabbed Dorothy and kissed her and held her arm around her all the -time. I mean I really think that a Countess should not <span class="sic" title="Correction: encourage">encouradge</span> Dorothy or else she is just as unrefined as Dorothy seems to be. But I told the Countess -that we did not need any dog. -</p> -<p>So then I met quite a delightful English lady who had a very, very beautiful diamond -tiara in her hand bag because she said that she thought some Americans would be at -the party and it was really a very, very great bargain. I mean I think a diamond tiara -is delightful because it is a place where I really never thought of wearing diamonds -before, and I thought I had almost one of everything until I saw a diamond tiara. -The English lady who is called Mrs. Weeks said it was in <span class="pageNum" id="pb69">[<a href="#pb69">69</a>]</span>her family for years but the good thing about diamonds is they always look new. So -I was really very intreeged and I asked her how much it cost in money and it seems -it was $7,500. -</p> -<p>So then I looked around the room and I noticed a gentleman who seemed to be quite -well groomed. So I asked Major Falcon who he was and he said he was called Sir Francis -Beekman and it seems he is very, very wealthy. So then I asked Major Falcon to give -us an introduction to one another and we met one another and I asked Sir Francis Beekman -if he would hold my hat while I could try on the diamond tiara because I could wear -it backwards with a ribbon, on account of my hair being hobbed, and I told Sir Francis -Beekman that I really thought it looked quite cute. So he thought it did to, but he -seemed to have another engagement. So the Countess came up to me and she is really -very unrefined because she said to me “Do not waste your time on him” because she -said that whenever Sir Francis Beekman spent a haypenny the statue of a gentleman -called Mr. Nelson took off his hat and bowed. I mean some people are so unrefined -they <span class="pageNum" id="pb70">[<a href="#pb70">70</a>]</span>seem to have unrefined thoughts about everything. -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure p070width"><img src="images/p070.jpg" alt="“I told Sir Francis Beekman that I really thought it looked quite cute.”" width="538" height="273"><p class="figureHead">“<i>I told Sir Francis Beekman that I really thought it looked quite cute.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p>So I really have my heart set on the diamond tiara and I became quite worried because -Mrs. Weeks said she was going to a delightful party last night that would be full -of delightful Americans and it would be snaped up. So I was so worried that I gave -her 100 dollars and she is going to hold the diamond tiara for me. Because what is -the use of traveling if you do not take advantadge of oportunities and it really is -quite unusual to get a bargain from an English lady. So last night I cabled Mr. Eisman -and I told Mr. Eisman that he does not seem to <span class="sic" title="Correction: know how">how know</span> much it costs to get educated by <span class="pageNum" id="pb71">[<a href="#pb71">71</a>]</span>traveling and I said I really would have to have $10,000 and I said I hoped I would -not have to borrow the money from some strange English gentleman, even if he might -be very very good looking. So I really could not sleep all night because of all of -my worrying because if I do not get the money to buy the diamond tiara it may be a -quite hard thing to get back $100 from an English lady. -</p> -<p>So now I must really get dressed as Major Falcon is going to take Dorothy and I to -look at all the sights in London. But I really think if I do not get the diamond tiara -my whole trip to London will be quite a failure. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>April 18th</i>: -</p> -<p>Yesterday was quite a day and night. I mean Major Falcon came to take Dorothy and -I to see all the sights in London. So I thought it would be delightful if we had another -gentleman and I made Major Falcon call up Sir Francis Beekman. I mean I had a cable -from Mr. Eisman which told me he could not send me 10,000 dollars but he would send -me 1000 dollars which really would not be a drop in the bucket for the diamond tiara. -So Sir Francis Beekman said that he could <span class="pageNum" id="pb72">[<a href="#pb72">72</a>]</span>not come but I teased him and teased him over the telephone so he finally said he -would come. -</p> -<p>So Major Falcon drives his own car so Dorothy sat with him and I sat with Sir Francis -Beekman but I told him that I was not going to call him Sir Francis Beekman but I -was really going to call him Piggie. -</p> -<p>In London they make a very, very great fuss over nothing at all. I mean London is -really nothing at all. For instants, they make a great fuss over a tower that really -is not even as tall as the Hickox building in Little Rock Arkansas and it would only -make a chimney on one of our towers in New York. So Sir Francis Beekman wanted us -to get out and look at the tower because he said that quite a famous Queen had her -head cut off there one morning and Dorothy said “What a fool she was to get up that -morning” and that is really the only sensible thing that Dorothy has said in London. -So we did not bother to get out. -</p> -<p>So we did not go to any more sights because they really have delicious champagne cocktails -at a very very smart new restaurant called the Cafe de Paris that you could not <span class="pageNum" id="pb74">[<a href="#pb74">74</a>]</span>get in New York for neither love or money and I told Piggie that when you are travelling -you really ought to take advantadges of what you can not do at home. -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure p073width"><img src="images/p073.jpg" alt="“In London they make a fuss over a tower that is not as tall as the Hickox Building in Little Rock.”" width="368" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>In London they make a fuss over a tower that is not as tall as the Hickox Building -in Little Rock.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p>So while Dorothy and I were in the Cafe de Paris powdering our nose in the lady’s -dressing room we met an American girl who Dorothy knew in the Follies, but now she -is living in London. So she told us all about London. So it seems the gentlemen in -London have quite a quaint custom of not giving a girl many presents. I mean the English -girls really seem to be satisfied with a gold cigaret holder or else what they call -a ‘bangle’ which means a bracelet in English which is only gold and does not have -any stones in it which American girls would really give to their maid. So she said -you could tell what English gentlemen were like when you realize that not even English -ladys could get anything out of them. So she said Sir Francis Beekman was really famous -all over London for not spending so much money as most English gentlemen. So then -Dorothy and I said goodbye to Dorothy’s girl friend and Dorothy said, “Lets tell our -two boy friends that we have a headache and go back to the <span class="pageNum" id="pb75">[<a href="#pb75">75</a>]</span>Ritz, where men are Americans.” Because Dorothy said that the society of a gentleman -like Sir Francis Beekman was to great a price to pay for a couple of rounds of champagne -cocktails. But I told Dorothy that I always believe that there is nothing like trying -and I think it would be nice for an American girl like I to educate an English gentleman -like Piggie, as I call Sir Francis Beekman. -</p> -<p>So then we went back to the table and I almost have to admit that Dorothy is in the -right about Piggie because he really likes to talk quite a lot and he is always talking -about a friend of his who was quite a famous King in London called King Edward. So -Piggie said he would never never forget the jokes King Edward was always saying and -he would never forget one time they were all on a yacht and they were all sitting -at a table and King Edward got up and said “I don’t care what you gentlemen do—I’m -going to smoke a cigar.” So then Piggie laughed very, very loud. So of course I laughed -very, very loud and I told Piggie he was wonderful the way he could tell jokes. I -mean you can always tell when to laugh because Piggie always laughs first. -<span class="pageNum" id="pb76">[<a href="#pb76">76</a>]</span></p> -<p>So in the afternoon a lot of lady friends of Mrs. Weeks heard about me buying the -diamond tiara and called us up and asked us to their house to tea so Dorothy and I -went and we took a gentleman Dorothy met in the lobby who is very, very good looking -but he is only an English ballroom dancer in a cafe when he has a job. -</p> -<p>So we went to tea to a lady’s house called Lady Elmsworth and what she has to sell -we Americans seems to be a picture of her father painted in oil paint who she said -was a whistler. But I told her my own father was a whistler and used to whistle all -of the time and I did not even have a picture of him but every time he used to go -to Little Rock I asked him to go to the photographers but he did not go. -</p> -<p>So then we met a lady called Lady Chizzleby that wanted us to go to her house to tea -but we told her that we really did not want to buy anything. But she said that she -did not have anything to sell but she wanted to borrow five pounds. So we did not -go and I am really glad that Mr. Eisman did not come to London as all the English -ladys would ask him to tea and he would have a <span class="pageNum" id="pb77">[<a href="#pb77">77</a>]</span>whole ship load of shell flowers and dogs and anteek pictures that do nobody any good. -</p> -<p>So last night Piggie and I and Dorothy and the dancer who is called Gerald went to -the Kit Kat Club as Gerald had nothing better to do because he is out of a job. So -Dorothy and I had quite a little quarrel because I told Dorothy that she was wasting -quite a lot of time going with any gentleman who is out of a job but Dorothy is always -getting to really like somebody and she will never learn how to act. I mean I always -seem to think that when a girl really enjoys being with a gentleman, it puts her to -quite a disadvantage and no real good can come of it. -</p> -<p>Well tonight is going to be quite a night because Major Falcon is going to take Dorothy -and I to a dance at a lady’s house tonight to meet the Prince of Wales. And now I -must get ready to see Piggie because he and I seem to be getting to be quite good -friends even if he has not sent me any flowers yet. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>April 19th</i>: -</p> -<p>Last night we really met the Prince of Wales. I mean Major Falcon called for <span class="pageNum" id="pb78">[<a href="#pb78">78</a>]</span>Dorothy and I at eleven and took us to a ladys house where the lady was having a party. -The Prince of Wales is really wonderful. I mean even if he was not a prince he would -be wonderful, because even if he was not a prince, he would be able to make his living -playing the ukelele, if he had a little more practice. So the lady came up to me and -told me that the Prince of Wales would like to meet me, so she gave us an introduction -to one another and I was very very thrilled when he asked me for a dance. So I decided -I would write down every word he said to me in my diary so I could always go back -and read it over and over when I am really old. So then we started to dance and I -asked him if he was still able to be fond of horses, and he said he was. So after -our dance was all over he asked Dorothy for a dance but Dorothy will never learn how -to act in front of a prince. Because she handed me her fan and she said “Hold this -while I slip a new page into English <span class="sic" title="Correction: history">histry</span>,” right in front of the Prince of Wales. So I was very very worried while Dorothy -was dancing with the Prince of Wales because she talked to the Prince of Wales all -the time and when she <span class="pageNum" id="pb79">[<a href="#pb79">79</a>]</span>got through the Prince of Wales wrote some of the slang words she is always saying -on his cuff, so if he tells the Queen some day to be ‘a good Elk’ or some other slang -word Dorothy is always saying, the Queen will really blame me for bringing such a -girl into English society. So when Dorothy came back we had quite a little quarrel -because Dorothy said that since I met the Prince of Wales I was becoming too English. -But really, I mean to say, I often remember papa back in Arkansas and he often used -to say that his grandpa came from a place in England called Australia, so really, -I mean to say, it is no wonder that the English seems to come out of me sometimes. -Because if a girl seems to <span class="pageNum" id="pb80">[<a href="#pb80">80</a>]</span>have an English accent I really think it is quite jolly. -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure p079width"><img src="images/p079.jpg" alt="“So I asked the prince if he was still able to be fond of horses.”" width="538" height="274"><p class="figureHead">“<i>So I asked the prince if he was still able to be fond of horses.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>April 20th</i>: -</p> -<p>Yesterday afternoon I really thought I ought to begin to educate Piggie how to act -with a girl like American gentlemen act with a girl. So I asked him to come up to -have tea in our sitting room in the hotel because I had quite a headache. I mean I -really look quite cute in my pink negligay. So I sent out a <span class="sic" title="Correction: bellhop">bell hop</span> friend of Dorothy and I who is quite a nice boy who is called Harry and who we talk -to quite a lot. So I gave Harry ten pounds of English money and I told him to go to -the most expensive florist and to buy some very very expensive orchids for 10 pounds -and to bring them to our sitting room at fifteen minutes past five and not to say -a word but to say they were for me. So Piggie came to tea and we were having tea when -Harry came in and he did not say a word but he gave me a quite large box and he said -it was for me. So I opened the box and sure enough they were a dozen very very beautiful -orchids. So I looked for a card, but of course there was no card so I grabbed <span class="pageNum" id="pb81">[<a href="#pb81">81</a>]</span>Piggie and I said I would have to give him quite a large hug because it must have -been him. But he said it was not him. But I said it must be him because I said that -there was only one gentleman in London who was so sweet and generous and had such -a large heart to send a girl one dozen orchids like him. So he still said it was not -him. But I said I knew it was him, because there was not a gentleman in London so -really marvelous and so wonderful and such a marvelous gentleman to send a girl one -dozen orchids every day as him. So I really had to apologize for giving him such a -large hug but I told him I was so full of impulses that when I knew he was going to -send me one dozen orchids every day I became so impulsive I could not help it! -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure p081width"><img src="images/p081.jpg" alt="“I said I would have to give him quite a large hug.”" width="540" height="275"><p class="figureHead">“<i>I said I would have to give him quite a large hug.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -<span class="pageNum" id="pb82">[<a href="#pb82">82</a>]</span></p> -<p>So then Dorothy and Gerald came in and I told them all about what a wonderful gentleman -Piggie turned out to be and I told them when a gentleman sent a girl one dozen orchids -every day he really reminded me of a prince. So Piggie blushed quite a lot and he -was really very very pleased and he did not say any more that it was not him. So then -I started to make a fuss over him and I told him he would have to look out because -he was really so good looking and I was so full of impulses that I might even lose -my mind some time and give him a kiss. So Piggie really felt very very good to be -such a good looking gentleman. So he could not help blushing all the time and he could -not help grinning all the time from one ear to another. So he asked us all to dinner -and then he and Gerald went to change their clothes for dinner. So Dorothy and I had -quite a little quarrel after they went because Dorothy asked me which one of the Jesse -James brothers was my father. But I told her I was not so unrefined that I would waste -my time with any gentleman who was only a ballroom dancer when he had a job. So Dorothy -said Gerald was a gentleman because he wrote <span class="pageNum" id="pb83">[<a href="#pb83">83</a>]</span>her a note and it had a crest. So I told her to try and eat it. So then we had to -get dressed. -</p> -<p>So this morning Harry, the boy friend of ours who is the bell hop, waked me up at -ten o’clock because he had a box of one dozen orchids from Piggie. So by the time -Piggie pays for a few dozen orchids, the diamond tiara will really seem like quite -a bargain. Because I always think that spending money is only just a habit and if -you get a gentleman started on buying one dozen orchids at a time he really gets very -good habits. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>April 21st</i>: -</p> -<p>Well, yesterday afternoon I took Piggie shopping on a street called Bond Street. So -I took him to a <span class="sic" title="Correction: jewelry">jewelery</span> store because I told him I had to have a silver picture frame because I had to have -a picture of him to go in it. Because I told Piggie that when a girl gets to know -such a good looking gentleman as him she really wants to have a picture of him on -her dressing table where she can look at it a lot. So Piggie became quite <span class="sic" title="Correction: intrigued">intreeged</span>. So we looked at all the silver picture frames. But then I told him that I really -did not think <span class="pageNum" id="pb84">[<a href="#pb84">84</a>]</span>a silver picture frame was good enough for a picture of him because I forgot that -they had gold picture frames until I saw them. So then we started to look at the gold -picture frames. So then it came out that his picture was taken in his <span class="sic" title="Correction: uniform">unaform</span>. So I said he must be so good looking in his <span class="sic" title="Correction: uniform">unaform</span> that I really did not think even the gold picture frames were good enough but they -did not have any platinum picture frames so we had to buy the best one we could. -</p> -<p>So then I asked him if he could put on his <span class="sic" title="Correction: uniform">unaform</span> tomorrow because I would love to see him in his <span class="sic" title="Correction: uniform">unaform</span> and we could go to tea at Mrs. Weeks. So he really became very pleased because he -grinned quite a lot and he said that he would. So then I said that poor little I would -really look like nothing at all to be going out with him in his <span class="sic" title="Correction: gorgeous">georgous</span> <span class="sic" title="Correction: uniform">unaform</span>. So then we started to look at some bracelets but a lady friend of his who is quite -friendly with his wife, who is in their country house in the country, came in to the -store, so Piggie became quite nervous to be caught in a <span class="sic" title="Correction: jewelry">jewelery</span> store where he has not been for years and years, so we had to go out. -</p> -<p>This morning Gerald called up Dorothy <span class="pageNum" id="pb85">[<a href="#pb85">85</a>]</span>and he said that day after tomorrow they are having a theatrical garden party to sell -things to people for charity so he asked if Dorothy and I would be one of the ones -who sells things to people for charity. So we said we would. -</p> -<p>So now I must telephone Mrs. Weeks and say I will bring Sir Francis Beekman to tea -tomorrow and I hope it all comes out all right. But I really wish Piggie would not -tell so many <span class="sic" title="Correction: stories">storys</span>. I mean I do not mind a gentleman when he tells a great many <span class="sic" title="Correction: stories">storys</span> if they are new, but a gentleman who tells a great many <span class="sic" title="Correction: stories">storys</span> and they are all the same <span class="sic" title="Correction: stories">storys</span> is quite enervating. I mean London is really so uneducational that all I seem to -be learning is some of <span class="sic" title="Correction: Piggie’s">Piggies</span> <span class="sic" title="Correction: stories">storys</span> and I even want to forget them. So I am really becoming jolly well fed up with London. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>April 22nd</i>: -</p> -<p>Yesterday Piggie came in his <span class="sic" title="Correction: uniform">unaform</span> but he was really quite upset because he had a letter. I mean his wife is coming -to London because she always comes to London every year to get her old clothes made -over as she has a girl who does it very very cheap. <span class="pageNum" id="pb86">[<a href="#pb86">86</a>]</span>So she is going to stay with the lady who saw us in the <span class="sic" title="Correction: jewelry">jewelery</span> store, because it always saves money to stay with a friend. So I wanted to cheer -Piggie up so I told him that I did not think the lady saw us and if she did see us, -she really could not believe her eyes to see him in a <span class="sic" title="Correction: jewelry">jewelery</span> store. But I did not tell him that I think that Dorothy and I had better go to Paris -soon. Because, after all, Piggie’s society is beginning to tell on a girls nerves. -But I really made Piggie feel quite good about his <span class="sic" title="Correction: uniform">unaform</span> because I told him I only felt fit to be with him in a diamond tiara. So then I told -him that, even if his wife was in London, we could still be friends, because I could -not help but admire him even if his wife was in London and I told him I really thought -a thing like that was nearly always the result of fate. So then we went to tea at -Mrs. Weeks. So Piggie arranged with Mrs. Weeks to pay her for the diamond tiara and -she nearly fell dead but she will keep it a secret because no one would believe it -anyway. So now I have the diamond tiara and I have to admit that everything always -turns out for the best. But I promised Piggie that I would always stay in <span class="pageNum" id="pb87">[<a href="#pb87">87</a>]</span>London and we would always be friendly. Because Piggie always says that I am the only -one who admires him for what he really is. -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure p087width"><img src="images/p087.jpg" alt="“So I promised Piggie that I would always stay in London.”" width="539" height="272"><p class="figureHead">“<i>So I promised Piggie that I would always stay in London.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>April 25th</i>: -</p> -<p>Well, we were so busy the last days I did not have time to write in my diary because -now we are on a ship that seems to be quite a small ship to be sailing to Paris and -we will be at Paris this afternoon. Because it does not take nearly so long to come -to Paris as it does to come to London. I mean it seems quite unusual to think that -it takes 6 days to come to London and only one day to come to Paris. -<span class="pageNum" id="pb88">[<a href="#pb88">88</a>]</span></p> -<p>So Dorothy is quite upset because she did not want to come as she is madly in love -with Gerald and Gerald said that we really ought not to leave London without going -to see England while we happened to be here. But I told him that if England was the -same kind of a place that London seems to be, I really know <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> much to bother with such a place. I mean we had quite a little quarrel because Gerald -showed up at the station with a bangle for Dorothy so I told Dorothy she was well -rid of such a person. So Dorothy had to come with me because Mr. Eisman is paying -her expenses because he wants Dorothy to be my chaperone. -</p> -<p>So the last thing in London was the garden party. I sold quite a lot of red <span class="sic" title="Correction: balloons">baloons</span> and I sold a red <span class="sic" title="Correction: balloons">baloon</span> to Harry Lauder the famous Scotch gentleman who is the famous Scotch tenor for 20 -pounds. So Dorothy said I did not need to buy any ticket to Paris on the boat because -if I could do that, I could walk across the channel. -</p> -<p>So Piggy does not know that we have gone but I sent him a letter and told him I would -see him some time again some time. And I was really glad to get out of our rooms at -<span class="pageNum" id="pb89">[<a href="#pb89">89</a>]</span>the Ritz—I mean 50 or 60 orchids really make a girl think of a funeral. So I cabled -Mr. Eisman and I told him we could not learn anything in London because we knew to -much, so if we went to Paris at least we could learn French, if we made up our mind -to it. -</p> -<p>So I am really very very <span class="sic" title="Correction: intrigued">intreeged</span> as I have heard so much about Paris and I feel that it must be much more educational -than London and I can hardly wait to see the Ritz hotel in Paris. -<span class="pageNum" id="pb93">[<a href="#pb93">93</a>]</span></p> -</div> -</div> -<div id="ch4" class="div1 chapter"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#xd31e279">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divHead"> -<h2 class="label">CHAPTER FOUR</h2> -<h2 class="main">PARIS IS DEVINE</h2> -</div> -<div class="divBody"> -<p class="first dateentry"><i>April 27th</i>: -</p> -<p>Paris is devine. I mean Dorothy and I got to Paris yesterday, and it really is devine. -Because the French are devine. Because when we were coming off the boat, and we were -coming through the customs, it was quite hot and it seemed to smell quite a lot and -all the French gentlemen in the customs, were squealing quite a lot. So I looked around -and I picked out a French gentleman who was really in a very gorgeous uniform and -he seemed to be a very, very important gentleman and I gave him twenty francs worth -of French money and he was very very gallant and he knocked everybody else down and -took our bags right through the custom. Because I really think that twenty Francs -is quite cheap for a gentleman that has got on at least $100 worth of gold braid on -his coat alone, to speak nothing of his trousers. -</p> -<p>I mean the French gentlemen always seem <span class="pageNum" id="pb94">[<a href="#pb94">94</a>]</span>to be squealing quite a lot, especially taxi drivers when they only get a small size -yellow dime called a ‘fifty santeems’ for a tip. But the good thing about French gentlemen -is that every time a French gentleman starts in to squeal, you can always stop him -with five francs, no matter who he is. I mean it is so refreshing to listen to a French -gentleman stop squeaking, that it would really be quite a bargain even for ten francs. -</p> -<p>So we came to the Ritz Hotel and the Ritz Hotel is devine. Because when a girl can -sit in a delightful bar and have delicious champagne cocktails and look at all the -important French people in Paris, I think it is devine. I mean when a girl can sit -there and look at the Dolly sisters and Pearl White and Maybelle Gilman Corey, and -Mrs. Nash, it is beyond worlds. Because when a girl looks at Mrs. Nash and realizes -what Mrs. Nash has got out of gentlemen, it really makes a girl hold her breath. -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure p095width"><img src="images/p095.jpg" alt="“If you turn your back on a monument and look up, you can see none other than Coty’s sign!”" width="537" height="273"><p class="figureHead">“<i>If you turn your back on a monument and look up, you can see none other than Coty’s -sign!</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p>And when a girl walks around and reads all of the signs with all of the famous historical -names it really makes you hold your breath. Because when Dorothy and I went on a walk, -we only walked a few blocks <span class="pageNum" id="pb95">[<a href="#pb95">95</a>]</span>but in only a few blocks we read all of the famous historical names, like Coty and -Cartier and I knew we were seeing something educational at last and our whole trip -was not a failure. I mean I really try to make Dorothy get educated and have reverance. -So when we stood at the corner of a place called the Place Vandome, if you turn your -back on a monument they have in the middle and look up, you can see none other than -Coty’s sign. So I said to Dorothy, does it not really give you a thrill to realize -that that is the historical spot where Mr. Coty makes all the perfume? So then Dorothy -said that she supposed Mr. Coty came to Paris and he smelled Paris and he realized -that something had to <span class="pageNum" id="pb96">[<a href="#pb96">96</a>]</span>be done. So Dorothy will really never have any reverance. -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure p096width"><img src="images/p096.jpg" alt="“It really seemed to be a bargain but Dorothy and I do not seem to be mathematical enough to tell how much franks is in money.”" width="535" height="272"><p class="figureHead">“<i>It really seemed to be a bargain but Dorothy and I do not seem to be mathematical -enough to tell how much franks is in money.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p>So then we saw a jewelry store and we saw some jewelry in the window and it really -seemed to be a very very great bargain but the price marks all had francs on them -and Dorothy and I do not seem to be mathematical enough to tell how much francs is -in money. So we went in and asked and it seems it was only 20 dollars and it seems -it is not diamonds but it is a thing called “paste” which is the name of a word which -means imitations. So Dorothy said “paste” is the name of the word a girl ought to -do to a gentleman that handed her one. I mean I <span class="pageNum" id="pb97">[<a href="#pb97">97</a>]</span>would really be embarrassed, but the gentleman did not seem to understand Dorothy’s -english. -</p> -<p>So it really makes a girl feel depressed to think a girl could not tell that it was -nothing but an imitation. I mean a gentleman could deceeve a girl because he could -give her a present and it would only be worth 20 dollars. So when Mr. Eisman comes -to Paris next week, if he wants to make me a present I will make him take me along -with him because he is really quite an inveteran bargain hunter at heart. So the gentleman -at the jewelry store said that quite a lot of famous girls in Paris had imitations -of all their jewelry and they put the jewelry in the safe and they really wore the -imitations, so they could wear it and have a good time. But I told him I thought that -any girl who was a lady would not even think of having such a good time that she did -not remember to hang on to her jewelry. -</p> -<p>So then we went back to the Ritz and unpacked our trunks with the aid of really a -delightful waiter who brought us up some delicious luncheon and who is called Leon -and who speaks english almost like an American <span class="pageNum" id="pb98">[<a href="#pb98">98</a>]</span>and who Dorothy and I talk to quite a lot. So Leon said that we ought not to stay -around the Ritz all of the time, but we really ought to see Paris. So Dorothy said -she would go down in the lobby and meet some gentleman to show us Paris. So in a couple -of minutes she called up on the telephone from the lobby and she said “I have got -a French bird down here who is a French title nobleman, who is called a veecount so -come on down.” So I said “How did a Frenchman get into the Ritz.” So Dorothy said -“He came in to get out of the rain and he has not noticed that it is stopped.” So -I said “I suppose you have picked up something without taxi fare as usual. Why did -you not get an American gentleman who always have money?” So Dorothy said she thought -a French gentleman had ought to know Paris better. So I said “He does not even know -it is not raining.” But I went down. -</p> -<p>So the veecount was really delightful after all. So then we rode around and we saw -Paris and we saw how devine it really is. I mean the Eyefull Tower is devine and it -is much more educational than the London Tower, because you can not even see the London -<span class="pageNum" id="pb99">[<a href="#pb99">99</a>]</span>Tower if you happen to be two blocks away. But when a girl looks at the Eyefull Tower -she really knows she is looking at something. And it would even be very difficult -not to notice the Eyefull Tower. -</p> -<p>So then we went to a place called the Madrid to tea and it really was devine. I mean -we saw the Dolley Sisters and Pearl White and Mrs. Corey and Mrs. Nash all over again. -</p> -<p>So then we went to dinner and then we went to Momart and it really was devine because -we saw them all over again. I mean in Momart they have genuine American jazz bands -and quite a lot of New York people which we knew and you really would think you were -in New York and it was devine. So we came back to the Ritz quite late. So Dorothy -and I had quite a little quarrel because Dorothy said that when we were looking at -Paris I asked the French veecount what was the name of the unknown soldier who is -buried under quite a large monument. So I said I really did not mean to ask him, if -I did, because what I did mean to ask him was, what was the name of his mother <span class="pageNum" id="pb100">[<a href="#pb100">100</a>]</span>because it is always the mother of a dead soldier that I always seem to think about -more than the dead soldier that has died. -</p> -<p>So the French veecount is going to call up in the morning but I am not going to see -him again. Because French gentlemen are really quite deceeving. I mean they take you -to quite cute places and they make you feel quite good about yourself and you really -seem to have a delightful time but when you get home and come to think it all over, -all you have got is a fan that only cost 20 francs and a doll that they gave you away -for nothing in a restaurant. I mean a girl has to look out in Paris, or she would -have such a good time in Paris that she would not get anywheres. So I really think -that American gentlemen are the best after all, because kissing your hand may make -you feel very very good but a diamond and safire bracelet lasts forever. Besides, -I do not think that I ought to go out with any gentlemen in Paris because Mr. Eisman -will be here next week and he told me that the only kind of gentlemen he wants me -to go out with are intelectual gentlemen who are good for a girls brains. So I really -do not seem to see many <span class="pageNum" id="pb102">[<a href="#pb102">102</a>]</span>gentlemen around the Ritz who seem to look like they would be good for a girl’s brains. -So tomorrow we are going to go shopping and I suppose it would really be to much to -expect to find a gentleman who would look to Mr. Eisman like he was good for a girls -brains and at the same time he would like to take us shopping. -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure p101width"><img src="images/p101.jpg" alt="“Kissing your hand may make you feel very good but a diamond bracelet lasts forever.”" width="370" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>Kissing your hand may make you feel very good but a diamond bracelet lasts forever.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>April 29th</i>: -</p> -<p>Yesterday was quite a day. I mean Dorothy and I were getting ready to go shopping -and the telephone rang and they said that Lady Francis Beekman was down stairs and -she wanted to come up stairs. So I really was quite surprised. I mean I did not know -what to say, so I said all right. So then I told Dorothy and then we put our brains -together. Because it seems that Lady Francis Beekman is the wife of the gentleman -called Sir Francis Beekman who was the admirer of mine in London who seemed to admire -me so much that he asked me if he could make me a present of a diamond tiara. So it -seemed as if his wife must have heard about it, and it really seemed as if she must -<span class="pageNum" id="pb103">[<a href="#pb103">103</a>]</span>have come clear over from London about it. So there was a very very loud knock at -the door so we asked her to come in. So Lady Francis Beekman came in and she is a -quite large size lady who seems to resemble Bill Hart quite a lot. I mean Dorothy -thinks that Lady Francis Beeckman resembles Bill Hart quite a lot, only she really -thinks she looks more like Bill Hart’s horse. So it seems that she said that if I -did not give her back the diamond tiara right away, she would make quite a fuss and -she would ruin my reputation. Because she said that something really must be wrong -about the whole thing. Because it seems that Sir Francis Beekman and she have been -married for 35 years and the last present he gave to her was a wedding ring. So Dorothy -spoke up and she said “Lady you could no more ruin my girl friends reputation than -you could sink the Jewish fleet.” I mean I was quite proud of Dorothy the way she -stood up for my reputation. Because I really think that there is nothing so wonderful -as two girls when they stand up for each other and help each other a lot. Because -no matter how vigarous Lady Francis Beekman seems to be, she had to realize that she -could not <span class="pageNum" id="pb104">[<a href="#pb104">104</a>]</span>sink a whole fleet full of ships. So she had to stop talking against my reputation. -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure p104width"><img src="images/p104.jpg" alt="“Dorothy said ‘You have got to be the Queen of England to get away with a hat like that.’”" width="544" height="276"><p class="figureHead">“<i>Dorothy said ‘You have got to be the Queen of England to get away with a hat like -that.’</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p>So then she said she would drag it into the court and she would say that it was undue -influence. So I said to her, “If you wear that hat into a court, we will see if the -judge thinks it took an undue influence to make Sir Francis Beekman look at a girl.” -So then Dorothy spoke up and Dorothy said “My girl friend is right, Lady. You have -got to be the Queen of England to get away with a hat like that.” So Lady Francis -Beekman seemed to get quite angry. So then she said she would send for Sir Francis -Beekman where he suddenly went to Scotland, to go hunting when he found out that Lady -<span class="pageNum" id="pb105">[<a href="#pb105">105</a>]</span>Francis Beekman had found out. So Dorothy said “Do you mean that you have left Sir -Francis Beekman loose with all those spendthrifts down in Scotland?” So Dorothy said -she would better look out or he would get together with the boys some night and simply -massacre a haypenny. I mean I always encouradge Dorothy to talk quite a lot when we -are talking to unrefined people like Lady Francis Beekman, because Dorothy speaks -their own languadge to unrefined people better than a refined girl like I. So Dorothy -said, “You had better not send for Sir Francis Beekman because if my girl friend really -wanted to turn loose on Sir Francis Beekman, all he would have left would be his title.” -So then I spoke right up and said Yes that I was an American girl and we American -girls do not care about a title because we American girls always say that what is -good enough for Washington is good enough for us. So Lady Francis Beekman really seemed -to get more angry and more angry all of the time. -</p> -<p>So then she said that if it was necessary, she would tell the judge that Sir Francis -Beekman went out of his mind when he gave <span class="pageNum" id="pb106">[<a href="#pb106">106</a>]</span>it to me. So Dorothy said “Lady, if you go into a court and if the judge gets a good -look at you, he will think that Sir Francis Beekman was out of his mind 35 years ago.” -So then Lady Francis Beekman said she knew what kind of a person she had to deal with -and she would not deal with any such a person because she said it hurt her dignity. -So Dorothy said “Lady, if we hurt your dignity like you hurt our eyesight I hope for -your sake, you are a Christian science.” So that seemed to make Lady Francis Beekman -angry. So she said she would turn it all over to her soliciter. So when she went out -she tripped over quite a long train which she had on her skirt and she nearly fell -down. So Dorothy leaned out of the door and Dorothy called down the hall and said, -“Take a tuck in that skirt Isabel, its 1925.” So I really felt quite depressed because -I felt as if our whole morning was really very unrefined just because we had to mix -with such an unrefined lady as Lady Francis Beekman. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>April 30th</i>: -</p> -<p>So sure enough yesterday morning Lady Francis Beekman’s solicitor came. Only he <span class="pageNum" id="pb107">[<a href="#pb107">107</a>]</span>really was not a solicitor, but his name was on a card and it seems his name is Mons. -Broussard and it seems that he is an advocat because an advocat is a lawyer in the -French <span class="sic" title="Correction: language">landguage</span>. So Dorothy and I were getting dressed and we were in our <span class="sic" title="Correction: negligee">negligay</span> as usual when there was quite a loud knock on the door and before we could even say -come in he jumped right into the room. So it seems that he is of French extraction. -I mean Lady Francis Beekman’s solicitor can really squeal just like a taxi driver. -I mean he was squealing quite loud when he jumped into the room and he kept right -on squealing. So Dorothy and I rushed into the parlor and Dorothy looked at him and -Dorothy said, “This town has got to stop playing jokes on us every morning” because -our nerves could not stand it. So Mons. Broussard handed us his card and he squealed -and squealed and he really waved his arms in the air quite a lot. So Dorothy said -He gives quite a good imitation of the Moulan Rouge, which is really a red wind mill, -only Dorothy said he makes more noise and he runs on his own wind. So we stood and -watched him for quite a long while, but he seemed to get quite monotonous <span class="pageNum" id="pb108">[<a href="#pb108">108</a>]</span>after quite a long while because he was always talking in French, which really means -nothing to us. So Dorothy said “Lets see if 25 francs will stop him, because if 5 -francs will stop a taxi driver, 25 francs ought to stop an advocat.” Because he was -making about 5 times as much noise as a taxi driver and 5 times 5 is 25. So as soon -as he heard us start in to talk about francs he seemed to calm down quite a little. -So Dorothy got her pocket book and she gave him 25 francs. So then he stopped squealing -and he put it in his pocket, but then he got out quite a large size handkerchief with -purple elefants on it and he started in to cry. So Dorothy really got discouraged -and she said<span class="corr" id="xd31e1033" title="Source: .">,</span> “Look here, you have given us a quite an amusing morning but if you keep that up -much longer, wet or dry, out you go.” -</p> -<p>So then he started in to pointing at the telephone and he seemed to want to use the -telephone and Dorothy said, “If you think you can get a number over that thing, go -to it, but as far as we have found out, it is a wall bracket.” So then he started -in to telephone so Dorothy and I went about our business to get dressed. So when he -finished telephoning <span class="pageNum" id="pb109">[<a href="#pb109">109</a>]</span>he kept running to my door and then he kept running to Dorothy’s door, and he kept -on crying and talking a lot, but he seemed to have lost all of his novelty to us so -we paid no more attention to him. -</p> -<p>So finally there was another loud knock on the door so we heard him rush to the door -so we both went in to the parlor to see what it was and it really was a sight. Because -it was another Frenchman. So the new Frenchman rushed in and he yelled Papa and he -kissed him. So it seems that it was his son because his son is really his papa’s partner -in the advocat business. So then his papa talked quite a lot and then he pointed at -I and Dorothy. So then his son looked at us and then his son let out quite a large -size squeal, and he said in French “May papa, elles sont sharmant.” So it seems he -was telling his papa in French that we were really charming. So then Mons. Broussard -stopped crying and put on his glasses and took a good look at us. So then his son -put up the window shade, so his papa could get a better look at us. So when his papa -had finished looking at us he really became delighted. So he became all smiles and -he pinched our cheeks <span class="pageNum" id="pb110">[<a href="#pb110">110</a>]</span>and he kept on saying Sharmant all of the time because Sharmant means charming in -the French languadge. So then his son broke right out into english and he really speaks -english as good as an American. So then he told us his papa telephoned for him to -come over because we did not seem to understand what his papa was saying to us. So -it seems that Mons. Broussard had been talking to us in english all of the time but -we did not seem to understand his kind of english. So Dorothy said, “If what your -papa was talking in was english, I could get a gold medal for my greek.” So then his -son told his papa and his papa laughed very very loud and he pinched Dorothys cheek -and he was very delighted even if the joke was on him. So then Dorothy and I asked -his son what he was saying, when he was talking to us in english and his son said -he was telling us all about his client, Lady Francis Beekman. So then we asked his -son why his papa kept crying. So then his son said his papa kept crying because he -was thinking about Lady Francis Beekman. So Dorothy said, “If he cries when he thinks -about her, what does he do when he looks at her?” So <span class="pageNum" id="pb111">[<a href="#pb111">111</a>]</span>then his son explained to his papa what Dorothy said. So then Mons. Broussard laughed -very very loud, so then he kissed Dorothy’s hand, so he said, after that, we would -all really have to have a bottle of champagne. So he went to the telephone and ordered -a bottle of champagne. -</p> -<p>So then his son said to his papa, “Why do we not ask the charming ladies to go out -to Fountainblo to-day.” So his papa said it would be charming. So then I said, “How -are we going to tell you gentlemen apart, because if it is the same in Paris as it -is in America, you would both seem to be Monshure Broussard.<span class="corr" id="xd31e1048" title="Not in source">”</span> So then we got the idea to call them by their first name. So it seems that his son’s -name is Louie so Dorothy spoke up and said, “I hear that they number all of you Louies -over here in Paris.” Because a girl is always hearing some one talk about Louie the -sixteenth who seemed to be in the anteek furniture business. I mean I was surprised -to hear Dorothy get so historical so she may really be getting educated in spite of -everything. But Dorothy told Louie he need not try to figure out his number because -she got it the minute she looked at him. So it seems <span class="pageNum" id="pb112">[<a href="#pb112">112</a>]</span>his papa’s name is Robber, which means Robert in French. So Dorothy started in to -think about her 25 francs and she said to Robber, “Your mother certainly knew her -<span class="sic" title="Correction: grammar">grammer</span> when she called you that.” -</p> -<p>So Dorothy said we might as well go out to Fountainblo with Louie and Robber if Louie -would take off his yellow spats that were made out of yellow shammy skin with pink -pearl buttons. Because Dorothy said, “Fun is fun but no girl wants to laugh all of -the time.” So Louie is really always anxious to please, so he took off his spats but -when he took off his spats, we saw his socks and when we saw his socks we saw that -they were Scotch plaid with small size rainbows running through them. So Dorothy looked -at them a little while and she really became quite discouraged and she said, “Well -Louie, I think you had better put your spats back on.” -</p> -<p>So then Leon, our friend who is the waiter, came in with the bottle of champagne. -So while he was opening the bottle of champagne Louie and Robber talked together in -French quite a lot and I really think I had ought to find out what they said in French -<span class="pageNum" id="pb113">[<a href="#pb113">113</a>]</span>because it might be about the diamond tiara. Because French gentlemen are very very -gallant, but I really do not think a girl can trust one of them around a corner. So, -when I get a chance, I am going to ask Leon what they said. -</p> -<p>So then we went to Fountainblo and then we went to Momart and we got home very late, -and we really had quite a delightful day and night, even if we did not go out shopping -and buy anything. But I really think we ought to do more shopping because shopping -really seems to be what Paris is principaly for. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>May 1st</i>: -</p> -<p>Well this morning I sent for Leon, who is Dorothy and my waiter friend, and I asked -him what Louie and Robber said in French. So it seems that they said in French that -we seemed to attract them very very much because they really thought that we were -very very charming, and they had not met girls that were so charming in quite a long -time. So it seems that they said that they would ask us out a lot and that they would -charge up <span class="pageNum" id="pb114">[<a href="#pb114">114</a>]</span>all the bills to Lady Francis Beekman because they would watch for their chance and -they would steal the diamond tiara. So then they said that even if they could not -steal it from us, we were really so charming that it would be delightful to go around -with us, even if they could not steal from us. So no matter what happens they really -could not lose. Because it seems that Lady Francis Beekman would be glad to pay all -the bills when they told her they had to take us out a lot so they could watch for -their chance and steal it. Because Lady Francis Beekman is the kind of a wealthy lady -that does not spend money on anything else but she will always spend money on a law -suit. And she really would not mind spending the money because it seems that something -either I or Dorothy said to Lady Francis Beekman seemed to make her angry. -</p> -<p>So then I decided it was time to do some thinking and I really thought quite a lot. -So I told Dorothy I thought I would put the real diamond tiara in the safe at the -Ritz and then I would buy an imitation of a diamond tiara at the jewelry store that -has the imitations that are called paste. So then I would <span class="pageNum" id="pb115">[<a href="#pb115">115</a>]</span>leave the imitation of the diamond tiara lying around, so Louie and Robber could see -how careless I seem to be with it so then they would get full of encouradgement. So -when we go out with Louie and Robber I could put it in my hand bag and I could take -it with me so Louie and Robber could always feel that the diamond tiara was within -reach. So then Dorothy and I could get them to go shopping and we could get them to -spend quite a lot and every time they seemed to get discouradged, I could open my -hand bag, and let them get a glimpse of the imitation of a diamond tiara and they -would become more encouradged and then they would spend some more money. Because I -even might let them steal it at the last, because they were really charming gentlemen -after all and I really would like to help Louie and Robber. I mean it would be quite -amusing for them to steal it for Lady Francis Beekman and she would have to pay them -quite a lot and then she would find out it was only made out of paste after all. Because -Lady Francis Beekman has never seen the real diamond tiara and the imitation of a -diamond tiara would really deceive her, at least until Louie <span class="pageNum" id="pb116">[<a href="#pb116">116</a>]</span>and Robber got all of their money for all of the hard work they did. I mean the imitation -of a diamond tiara would only cost about 65 dollars and what is 65 dollars if Dorothy -and I could do some delightful shopping and get some delightful presents that would -even seem more delightful when we stopped to realize that Lady Francis Beekman paid -for them. And it would teach Lady Francis Beekman a lesson not to say what she said -to two American girls like I and Dorothy, who were all alone in Paris and had no gentleman -to protect them. -</p> -<p>So when I got through telling Dorothy what I thought up, Dorothy looked at me and -looked at me and she really said she thought my brains were a miracle. I mean she -said my brains reminded her of a radio because you listen to it for days and days -and you get discouradged and just when you are getting ready to smash it, something -comes out that is a masterpiece. -</p> -<p>So then Louie called us up so Dorothy told him that we thought it would be delightful -if he and Robber would take us out shopping tomorrow morning. So then Louie asked -his papa and his papa said they would. So then <span class="pageNum" id="pb117">[<a href="#pb117">117</a>]</span>they asked us if we would like to go to see a play called The Foley Bergere tonight. -So he said that all of the French people who live in Paris are always delighted to -have some Americans, so it will give them an excuse to go to the Foley Bergere. So -we said we would go. So now Dorothy and I are going out shopping to buy the imitation -of a diamond tiara and we are going out window shopping to pick out where we would -like Louie and Robber to take us shopping tomorrow. -</p> -<p>So I really think that everything always works out for the best. Because after all, -we really need some gentlemen to take us around until Mr. Eisman gets to Paris and -we could not go around with any really attractive gentlemen because Mr. Eisman only -wants me to go out with gentlemen that have brains. So I said to Dorothy that, even -if Louie and Robber do not look so full of brains, we could tell Mr. Eisman that all -we were learning from them was French. So even if I have not seemed to learn French -yet, I have really almost learned to understand Robbers english so when Robber talks -in front of Mr. Eisman and I seem to understand <span class="pageNum" id="pb118">[<a href="#pb118">118</a>]</span>what he is saying, Mr. Eisman will probably think I know French. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>May 2nd</i>: -</p> -<p>So last night we went to the Foley Bergere and it really was <span class="sic" title="Correction: divine">devine</span>. I mean it was very very artistic because it had girls in it that were in the nude. -So one of the girls was a friend of Louie and he said that she was a very very nice -girl, and that she was only 18 years of age. So Dorothy said, “She is slipping it -over on you Louie, because how could a girl get such dirty knees in only 18 years?” -So Louie and Robber really laughed very very loud. I mean Dorothy was very unrefined -at the Foley Bergere. But I always think that when girls are in the nude it is very -artistic and if you have artistic thoughts you think it is beautiful and I really -would not laugh in an artistic place like the Foley Bergere. -</p> -<p>So I wore the imitation of a diamond tiara to the Foley Bergere. I mean it really -would <span class="sic" title="Correction: deceive">deceeve</span> an expert and Louie and Robber could hardly take their eyes off of it. But they did -not really annoy me because I had it tied on very very tight. I mean it would be <span class="pageNum" id="pb120">[<a href="#pb120">120</a>]</span>fatal if they got the diamond tiara before Dorothy and I took them shopping a lot. -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure p119width"><img src="images/p119.jpg" alt="“Dorothy was very unrefined at the Foley Bergere.”" width="368" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>Dorothy was very unrefined at the Foley Bergere.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p>So we are all ready to go shopping this morning and Robber was here bright and early -and he is in the parlor with Dorothy and we are waiting for Louie. So I left the daimond -tiara on the table in the parlor so Robber could see how careless I really am with -everything but Dorothy is keeping her eye on Robber. So I just heard Louie come in -because I heard him kissing Robber. I mean Louie is always kissing Robber and Dorothy -told Louie that if he did not stop kissing Robber, people would think that he painted -batiks. -</p> -<p>So now I must join the others and I will put the diamond tiara in my hand bag so that -Louie and Robber will feel that it is always around and we will all go shopping. And -I almost have to smile when I think of Lady Francis Beekman. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>May 3rd</i>: -</p> -<p>Yesterday was really delightful. I mean Louie and Robber bought Dorothy and I some -delightful presents. But then they began to run out of all the franks they had with -<span class="pageNum" id="pb121">[<a href="#pb121">121</a>]</span>them, so they began to get discouradged but just as soon as they began to get discouradged, -I gave Robber my hand bag to hold while I went to the fitting room to try on a blouse. -So he was cheered up quite a lot, but of course Dorothy stayed with them and kept -her eye on Robber so he did not get a chance. But it really cheered him up quite a -lot to even hold it. -</p> -<p>So after all their franks were gone, Robber said he would have to telephone to some -one, so I suppose he telephoned to Lady Francis Beekman and she must have said All -right because Robber left us at a place called the Cafe de la Paix because he had -to go on an errand and when he came back from his errand he seemed to have quite a -lot more franks. So then they took us to luncheon so that after luncheon we could -go out shopping some more. -</p> -<p>But I am really learning quite a lot of French in spite of everything. I mean if you -want delicious chicken and peas for luncheon all you have to say is “pettypas” and -<span class="corr" id="xd31e1119" title="Source: ‘">“</span>pulle.” I mean French is really very easy, for instance the French use the word “sheik” -for everything, while we only seem to use it <span class="pageNum" id="pb122">[<a href="#pb122">122</a>]</span>for gentlemen when they seem to resemble Rudolf Valentino. -</p> -<p>So while we were shopping in the afternoon I saw Louie get Dorothy off in a corner -and whisper to her quite a lot. So then I saw Robber get her off in a corner and whisper -to her quite a lot. So when we got back to the Ritz, Dorothy told me why they whispered -to her. So it seems when Louie whispered to Dorothy, Louie told Dorothy that if she -would steal the diamond tiara from me and give it to him and not let his papa know, -he would give her 1000 franks. Because it seems that Lady Francis Beekman has got -her heart set on it and she will pay quite a lot for it because she is quite angry -and when she really gets as angry as she is, she is only a woman with one idea. So -if Louie could get it and his papa would not find it out, he could keep all the money -for himself. So it seems that later on, when Robber was whispering to Dorothy, he -was making her the same proposition for 2000 franks so that Louie would not find out -and Robber could keep all the money for himself. So I really think it would be delightful -if Dorothy could make some money for herself because it might make <span class="pageNum" id="pb123">[<a href="#pb123">123</a>]</span>Dorothy get some ambishions. So tomorrow morning Dorothy is going to take the diamond -tiara and she is going to tell Louie that she stole it and she is going to sell it -to Louie. But she will make him hand over the money first and then, just as she is -going to hand over the diamond tiara, I am going to walk in on them and say, “Oh there -is my diamond tiara. I have been looking for it everywhere.” So then I will get it -back. So then she will tell him that she might just as well keep the 1000 franks because -she will steal it for him again in the afternoon. So in the afternoon she is going -to sell it to Robber and I really think we will let Robber keep it. Because I am quite -fond of Robber. I mean he is quite a sweet old gentleman and it is really refreshing -the way he and his son love one another. Because even if it is unusual for an American -to see a French gentleman always kissing his father, I really think it is refreshing -and I think that we Americans would be better off if we American fathers and sons -would love one another more like Louie and Robber. -</p> -<p>So Dorothy and I have quite a lot of delightful hand bags and stockings and handkerchiefs -and scarfs and things and some <span class="pageNum" id="pb124">[<a href="#pb124">124</a>]</span>quite cute models of evening gowns that are all covered with imitations of diamonds, -only they do not call them “paste” when they are on a dress but they call them “diamonteys” -and I really think a girl looks quite cute when she is covered all over with “diamonteys.” -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>May 5th</i>: -</p> -<p>So yesterday morning Dorothy sold the imitation of a diamond tiara to Louie. So then -we got it back. So in the afternoon we all went out to Versigh. I mean Louie and Robber -were quite delighted not to go shopping any more so I suppose that Lady Francis Beekman -really thinks that there is a limit to almost everything. So I took Louie for a walk -at Versigh so that Dorothy would have a chance to sell it to Robber. So then she sold -it to Robber. So then he put it in his pocket. But when we were coming home I got -to thinking things over and I really got to thinking that an imitation of a diamond -tiara was quite a good thing to have after all. I mean especially if a girl goes around -a lot in Paris, with admirers who are of the French extraction. And after all, I really -do not think a girl ought to encouradge Robber to <span class="pageNum" id="pb125">[<a href="#pb125">125</a>]</span>steal something from two American girls who are all alone in Paris and have no gentleman -to protect them. So I asked Dorothy which pocket Robber put it in, so I sat next to -him in the automobile coming home and I took it out. -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure p125width"><img src="images/p125.jpg" alt="“So then Robber started in to squeal once more.”" width="535" height="272"><p class="figureHead">“<i>So then Robber started in to squeal once more.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p>So we were in quite a quaint restaurant for dinner when Robber put his hand in his -pocket and then he started in to squeal once more. So it seems he had lost something, -so he and Louie had one of their regular squealing and shoulder shrugging matches. -But Louie told his papa that he did not steal it out of his papa’s pocket. But then -Robber started in to cry to think that his son would steal something out of his own -papa’s pocket. <span class="pageNum" id="pb126">[<a href="#pb126">126</a>]</span>So after Dorothy and I had had about all we could stand, I told them all about it. -I mean I really felt sorry for Robber so I told him not to cry any more because it -was nothing but paste after all. So then I showed it to them. So then Louie and Robber -looked at Dorothy and I and they really held their breath. So I suppose that most -of the girls in Paris do not have such brains as we American girls. -</p> -<p>So after it was all over, Louie and Robber seemed to be so depressed that I really -felt sorry for them. So I got an idea. So I told them that we would all go out tomorrow -to the imitation of a jewelry store and they could buy another imitation of a diamond -tiara to give to Lady Francis Beekman and they could get the man in the jewelry store -to put on the bill that it was a hand bag and they could charge the bill to Lady Francis -Beekman along with the other expenses. Because Lady Francis Beekman had never seen -the real diamond tiara anyway. So Dorothy spoke up and Dorothy said that as far as -Lady Francis Beekman would know about diamonds, you could nick off a piece of ice -and give it to her, only it would melt. So <span class="pageNum" id="pb127">[<a href="#pb127">127</a>]</span>then Robber looked at me and looked at me, and he reached over and kissed me on the -forehead in a way that was really full of reverance. -</p> -<p>So then we had quite a delightful evening. I mean because we all seem to understand -one another because, after all, Dorothy and I could really have a platonick friendship -with gentlemen like Louie and Robber. I mean there seems to be something common between -us, especially when we all get to thinking about Lady Francis Beekman. -</p> -<p>So they are going to charge Lady Francis Beekman quite a lot of money when they give -her the imitation of a diamond tiara and I told Robber if she seems to complane, to -ask her, if she knew that Sir Francis Beekman sent me 10 pounds worth of orchids every -day while we were in London. So that would make her so angry that she would be glad -to pay almost anything to get the diamond tiara. -</p> -<p>So when Lady Francis Beekman pays them all the money, Louie and Robber are going to -give us a dinner in our honor at Ciros. So when Mr. Eisman gets here on Saturday, -Dorothy and I are going to make Mr. Eisman give Louie and Robber a dinner in their -<span class="pageNum" id="pb128">[<a href="#pb128">128</a>]</span>honor at Ciros because of the way they helped us when we were two American girls all -alone in Paris and could not even speak the French landguage. -</p> -<p>So Louie and Robber asked us to come to a party at their sister’s house today but -Dorothy says we had better not go because it is raining and we both have brand new -umbrellas that are quite cute and Dorothy says she would not think of leaving a brand -new umbrella in a French lady’s hall and it is no fun to hang on to an umbrella all -the time you are at a party. So we had better be on the safe side and stay away. So -we called up Louie and told him we had a headache but we thanked him for all of his -hospitality. Because it is the way all the French people like Louie and Robber are -so hospitable to we Americans that really makes Paris so devine. -<span class="pageNum" id="pb131">[<a href="#pb131">131</a>]</span></p> -</div> -</div> -<div id="ch5" class="div1 chapter"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#xd31e289">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divHead"> -<h2 class="label">CHAPTER FIVE</h2> -<h2 class="main">THE CENTRAL OF EUROPE</h2> -</div> -<div class="divBody"> -<p class="first dateentry"><i>May 16th</i>: -</p> -<p>I really have not written in my diary for quite a long time, because Mr. Eisman arrived -in Paris and when Mr. Eisman is in Paris we really do not seem to do practically anything -else but the same thing. -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure p131width"><img src="images/p131.jpg" alt="“When Mr. Eisman is in Paris we do not do anything else but the same thing.”" width="543" height="275"><p class="figureHead">“<i>When Mr. Eisman is in Paris we do not do anything else but the same thing.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p>I mean we go shopping and we go to a show and we go to Momart and when a girl is always -going with Mr. Eisman nothing practically happens. And I did not even bother to learn -any more French because I <span class="pageNum" id="pb132">[<a href="#pb132">132</a>]</span>always seem to think it is better to leave French to those that can not do anything -else but talk French. So finally Mr. Eisman seemed to lose quite a lot of interest -in all of my shopping. So he heard about a button factory that was for sale quite -cheaply in Vienna and as Mr. Eisman is in the button profession, he thought it would -be a quite good thing to have a button factory in Vienna so he went to Vienna and -he said he did not care if he did not ever see the rue de la Paix again. So he said -if he thought Vienna would be good for a girl’s brains, he would send for Dorothy -and I and we could meet him at Vienna and learn something. Because Mr. Eisman really -wants me to get educated more than anything else, especially shopping. -</p> -<p>So now we have a telegram, and Mr. Eisman says in the telegram for Dorothy and I to -take an oriental express because we really ought to see the central of Europe because -we American girls have quite a lot to learn in the central of Europe. So Dorothy says -if Mr. Eisman wants us to see the central of Europe she bets there is not a rue de -la Paix in the whole central of Europe. -</p> -<p>So Dorothy and I are going to take an <span class="pageNum" id="pb133">[<a href="#pb133">133</a>]</span>oriental express tomorrow and I really think it is quite unusual for two American -girls like I and Dorothy to take an oriental express all alone, because it seems that -in the Central of Europe they talk some other kinds of <span class="sic" title="Correction: languages">landguages</span> which we do not understand besides French. But I always think that there is nearly -always some gentleman who will protect two American girls like I and Dorothy who are -all alone and who are traveling in the Central of Europe to get educated. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>May 17th</i>: -</p> -<p>So now we are on an oriental express and everything seems to be quite unusual. I mean -Dorothy and I got up this morning and we looked out of the window of our compartment -and it was really quite unusual. Because it was farms, and we saw quite a lot of girls -who seemed to be putting small size hay stacks onto large size hay stacks while their -husbands seemed to sit at a table under quite a shady tree and drink beer. Or else -their husbands seemed to sit on a fence and smoke their pipe and watch them. So Dorothy -and I looked at two girls who seemed to be ploughing up all of the ground with only -<span class="pageNum" id="pb134">[<a href="#pb134">134</a>]</span>the aid of a cow and Dorothy said, “I think we girls have gone one step <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> far away from New York, because it begins to look to me as if the Central of Europe -is no country for we girls.” So we both became quite worried. I mean I became quite -depressed because if this is what Mr. Eisman thinks we American girls ought to learn -I really think it is quite depressing. So I do not think we care to meet any gentlemen -who have been born and raised in the Central of Europe. I mean the more I travel and -the more I seem to see other gentlemen the more I seem to think of American gentlemen. -</p> -<p>So now I am going to get dressed and go to the dining car and look for some American -gentleman and hold a conversation, because I really feel so depressed. I mean Dorothy -keeps trying to depress me because she keeps saying that I will probably end up in -a farm in the Central of Europe doing a sister act with a plough. Because Dorothy’s -jokes are really very unrefined and I think that I will feel much better if I go to -the dining car and have some luncheon. -</p> -<hr class="tb"><p> -</p> -<p>Well I went to the dining car and I met a <span class="pageNum" id="pb135">[<a href="#pb135">135</a>]</span>gentleman who was quite a delightful American gentleman, I mean it was quite a co-instance, -because we girls have always heard about Henry Spoffard and it was really nobody else -but the famous Henry Spoffard, who is the famous Spoffard family, who is a very very -fine old family who is very very wealthy. I mean Mr. Spoffard is one of the most famous -familys in New York and he is not like most gentlemen who are wealthy, but he works -all of the time for the good of the others. I mean he is the gentleman who always -gets his picture in all of the newspapers because he is always senshuring all of the -plays that are not good for peoples morals. And all of we girls remember the time -when he was in the Ritz for luncheon and he met a gentleman friend of his and the -gentleman friend had Peggy Hopkins Joyce to luncheon and he introduced Peggy Hopkins -Joyce to Mr. Spoffard and Mr. Spoffard turned on his heels and walked away. Because -Mr. Spoffard is a very very famous Prespyterian and he is really much to Prespyterian -to meet Peggy Hopkins Joyce. I mean it is unusual to see a gentleman who is such a -young gentleman as Mr. Spoffard be so Prespyterian, <span class="pageNum" id="pb136">[<a href="#pb136">136</a>]</span>because when most gentlemen are 35 years of age their minds nearly always seem to -be on something else. -</p> -<p>So when I saw no one else but the famous Mr. Spoffard I really became quite thrilled. -Because all of we girls have tried very hard to have an introduction to Henry Spoffard -and it was quite unusual to be shut up on a train in the Central of Europe with him. -So I thought it would be quite unusual for a girl like I to have a friendship with -a gentleman like Mr. Spoffard, who really does not even look at a girl unless she -at least looks like a <span class="sic" title="Correction: Presbyterian">Prespyterian</span>. And I mean our family in Little Rock were really not so <span class="sic" title="Correction: Presbyterian">Prespyterians</span>. -</p> -<p>So I thought I would sit at his table. So then I had to ask him about all of the money -because all of the money they use in the Central of Europe has not even got so much -sense to it as the kind of franks they use in Paris. Because it seems to be called -kronens and it seems to take quite a lot of them because it takes 50,000 of them to -even buy a small size package of cigarettes and Dorothy says if the cigarettes had -tobacco in them, we couldn’t lift enough kronens over a counter to pay for <span class="pageNum" id="pb137">[<a href="#pb137">137</a>]</span>a package. So this morning Dorothy and I asked the porter to bring us a bottle of -champagne and we really did not know what to give him for a tip. So Dorothy said for -me to take one of the things called a one million kronens and she would take one of -them called a one million kronens and I would give him mine first and if he gave me -quite a dirty look, she would give him hers. So after we paid for the bottle of champagne -I gave him my one million kronens and before we could do anything else he started -in to grabbing my hand and kissing my hand and getting down on his knees. So we finally -had to push him right out of the compartment. So one million kronens seemed to be -enough. So I told Mr. Spoffard how we did not know what to give the porter when he -brought us our bottle of minral water. So then I asked him to tell me all about all -of the money because I told him I always seem to think that a penny earned was a penny -saved. So it really was quite unusual because Mr. Spoffard said that that was his -favorite motto. -</p> -<hr class="tb"><p> -</p> -<p>So then we got to talking quite a lot and I told him that I was traveling to get educated -<span class="pageNum" id="pb138">[<a href="#pb138">138</a>]</span>and I told him I had a girl with me who I was trying to reform because I thought if -she would put her mind more on getting educated, she would get more reformed. Because -after all Mr. Spoffard will have to meet Dorothy sooner or later and he might wonder -what a refined girl like I was doing with a girl like Dorothy. So Mr. Spoffard really -became quite <span class="sic" title="Correction: intrigued">intreeged</span>. Because Mr. Spoffard loves to reform people and he loves to <span class="sic" title="Correction: censure">senshure</span> everything and he really came over to Europe to look at all the things that Americans -come over to Europe to look at, when they really should not look at them but they -should look at all of the museums instead. Because if that is all we Americans come -to Europe to look at, we should stay home and look at America first. So Mr. Spoffard -spends all of his time looking at things that spoil <span class="sic" title="Correction: people’s">peoples</span> morals. So Mr. Spoffard really must have very very strong morals or else all the -things that spoil other <span class="sic" title="Correction: people’s">peoples</span> morals would spoil his morals. But they do not seem to spoil Mr. <span class="sic" title="Correction: Spoffard’s">Spoffards</span> morals and I really think it is wonderful to have such strong morals. So I told Mr. -Spoffard that I thought that civilization is not what it ought to be and we <span class="pageNum" id="pb139">[<a href="#pb139">139</a>]</span>really ought to have something else to take its place. -</p> -<p>So Mr. Spoffard said that he would come to call on Dorothy and I in our compartment -this afternoon and we would talk it all over, if his mother does not seem to need -him in her compartment. Because Mr. Spoffards mother always travels with Mr. Spoffard -and he never does anything unless he tells his mother all about it, and asks his mother -if he ought to. So he told me that that is the reason he has never got married, because -his mother does not think that all of the flappers we seem to have nowadays are what -a young man ought to marry when a young man is full of so many morals as Mr. Spoffard -seems to be full of. So I told Mr. Spoffard that I really felt just like his mother -feels about all of the flappers because I am an old fashioned girl. -</p> -<p>So then I got to worrying about Dorothy quite a lot because Dorothy is really not -so old-fashioned and she might say something in front of Mr. Spoffard that might make -Mr. Spoffard wonder what such an old-fashioned girl as I was doing with such a girl -as Dorothy. So I told him how I was having quite <span class="pageNum" id="pb140">[<a href="#pb140">140</a>]</span>a hard time reforming Dorothy and I would like to have him meet Dorothy so he could -tell me if he really thinks I am wasting quite a lot of time trying to reform a girl -like Dorothy. So then he had to go to his mother. So I really hope that Dorothy will -act more reformed than she usually acts in front of Mr. Spoffard. -</p> -<p>Well Mr. Spoffard just left our compartment so he really came to pay a call on us -after all. So Mr. Spoffard told us all about his mother and I was really very very -intreeged because if Mr. Spoffard and I become friendly he is the kind of a gentleman -that always wants a girl to meet his mother. I mean if a girl gets to know what kind -of a mother a gentlemans mother is like, she really knows more what kind of a conversation -to use on a gentleman’s mother when she meets her. Because a girl like I is really -always on the verge of meeting gentlemen’s mothers. But such an unrefined girl as -Dorothy is really not the kind of a girl that ever meets gentlemens mothers. -</p> -<hr class="tb"><p> -</p> -<p>So Mr. Spoffard says his mother has to have him take care of her quite a lot. Because -<span class="pageNum" id="pb141">[<a href="#pb141">141</a>]</span>Mr. <span class="sic" title="Correction: Spoffard’s">Spoffards</span> <span class="sic" title="Correction: mother’s">mothers</span> brains have never really been so strong. Because it seems his mother came from such -a very fine old family that even when she was quite a small size child she had to -be sent to a school that was a special school for people of very fine old <span class="sic" title="Correction: families">familys</span> who had to have things very easy on their brain. So she still has to have things -very easy on her brain, so she has a girl who is called her companion who goes with -her everywhere who is called Miss Chapman. Because Mr. Spoffard says that there is -always something new going on in the world which they did not get a chance to tell -her about at the school. So now Miss Chapman keeps telling her instead. Because how -would she know what to think about such a new thing as a radio, for instance, if she -did not have Miss Chapman to tell her what it was, for instance. So Dorothy spoke -up and Dorothy said, “What a responsibility that girl has got on her shoulders. For -instance, what if Miss Chapman told her a radio was something to build a fire in, -and she would get cold some day and stuff it full of papers and light it.” But Mr. -Spoffard told Dorothy that Miss Chapman would never make such a <span class="pageNum" id="pb142">[<a href="#pb142">142</a>]</span>mistake. Because he said that Miss Chapman came from a very very fine old family herself -and she really had a fine brain. So Dorothy said, “If she really has got such a fine -brain I bet her fine old family once had an ice man who could not be trusted.” So -Mr. Spoffard and I did not pay any more attention to Dorothy because Dorothy really -does not know how to hold a conversation. -</p> -<hr class="tb"><p> -</p> -<p>So then I and Mr. Spoffard held a conversation all about morals and Mr. Spoffard says -he really thinks the future of everything is between the hands of Mr. Blank the district -attorney who is the famous district attorney who is closing up all the places in New -York where they sell all of the liquor. So Mr. Spoffard said that a few months ago, -when Mr. Blank decided he would try to get the job to be the district attorney, he -put 1,000 dollars worth of liquor down his sink. So now Mr. Blank says that everybody -else has got to put it down their sink. So Dorothy spoke up, and Dorothy said, “If -he poured 1,000 dollars worth down his sink to get himself one million dollars worth -of publicity and a good job—when we pour it down <span class="pageNum" id="pb143">[<a href="#pb143">143</a>]</span>our sink, what do we get?” But Mr. Spoffard is <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> brainy a gentleman to answer any such a foolish question. So he gave Dorothy a look -that was full of dignity and he said he would have to go back to his Mother. So I -was really quite angry at Dorothy. So I followed Mr. Spoffard down the hall of the -railway train and I asked Mr. Spoffard if he thought I was wasting quite a lot of -time reforming a girl like Dorothy. So Mr. Spoffard thinks I am, because he really -thinks a girl like Dorothy will never have any <span class="sic" title="Correction: reverence">reverance</span>. So I told Mr. Spoffard I had wasted so much time on Dorothy it would really break -my heart to be a failure. So then I had tears in my eyes. So Mr. Spoffard is really -very very sympathetic because when he saw that I did not have any handkerchief, he -took his own handkerchief and he dried up all of my tears. So then he said he would -help me with Dorothy quite a lot and get her mind to running on things that are more -educational. -</p> -<p>So then he said he thought that we ought to get off the train at a place called Munich -because it was very full of art, which they call “kunst” in Munich, which is very, -very <span class="pageNum" id="pb144">[<a href="#pb144">144</a>]</span>educational. So he said he and Dorothy and I would get off of the train in Munich -because he could send his mother right on to Vienna with Miss Chapman, because every -place always seems to look alike to his mother anyway. So we are all going to get -off the train at Munich and I can send Mr. Eisman a telegram when nobody is looking. -Because I really do not think I will tell Mr. Spoffard about Mr. Eisman, because, -after all, their religions are different and when two gentlemen have such different -religions they do not seem to have so much to get congeneal about. So I can telegraph -Mr. Eisman that Dorothy and I thought we would get off the train at Munich to look -at all of the art. -</p> -<p>So then I went back to Dorothy and I told Dorothy if she did not have anything to -say in the future to not say it. Because even if Mr. Spoffard is a fine old family -and even if he is very Prespyterian, I and he could really be friendly after all and -talk together quite a lot. I mean Mr. Spoffard likes to talk about himself quite a -lot, so I said to Dorothy it really shows that, after all, he is just like any other -gentleman. But Dorothy said she would demand more proof than that. <span class="pageNum" id="pb145">[<a href="#pb145">145</a>]</span>So Dorothy says she thinks that maybe I might become quite friendly with Mr. Spoffard -and especially with his mother because she thinks his mother and I have quite a lot -that is common, but she says, if I ever bump into Miss Chapman, she thinks I will -come to a kropper because Dorothy saw Miss Chapman when she was at luncheon and Dorothy -says Miss Chapman is the kind of a girl that wears a collar and a tie even when she -is not on horseback. And Dorothy said it was the look that Miss Chapman gave her at -luncheon that really gave her the idea about the ice man. So Dorothy says she thinks -Miss Chapman has got 3 thirds of the brains of that trio of Geegans, because Geegans -is the slang word that Dorothy has thought up to use on people who are society people. -Because Dorothy says she thinks any gentleman with Mr. <span class="sic" title="Correction: Spoffard’s">Spoffards</span> brains had ought to spend his time putting nickels into an electric piano, but I -did not even bother to talk back at such a girl as Dorothy. So now we must get ready -to get off the train when the train gets to Munich so that we can look at all of the -kunst in Munich. -<span class="pageNum" id="pb146">[<a href="#pb146">146</a>]</span></p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>May 19th</i>: -</p> -<p>Well yesterday Mr. Spoffard and I and Dorothy got off the train at Munich to see all -of the kunst in Munich, but you only call it Munich when you are on the train because -as soon as you get off of the train they seem to call it Munchen. So you really would -know that Munchen was full of kunst because in case you would not know it, they have -painted the word “kunst” in large size black letters on everything in Munchen, and -you can not even see a boot black’s stand in Munchen that is not full of kunst. -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure p147width"><img src="images/p147.jpg" alt="“The Germans stand in the lobby of the theatre and eat quite a lot of Bermudian onions and garlick sausage.”" width="370" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>The Germans stand in the lobby of the theatre and eat quite a lot of Bermudian onions -and garlick sausage.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p>So Mr. Spoffard said that we really ought to go to the theater in Munchen because -even the theater in Munchen was full of kunst. So we looked at all of the bills of -all of the theaters, with the aid of quite an <span class="sic" title="Correction: intellectual">intelectual</span> hotel clerk who seemed to be able to read it and tell us what it said, because it -really meant nothing to us. So it seems they were playing Kiki in Munchen, so I said, -let us go and see Kiki because we have seen Lenore Ulric in New York and we would -really know what it is all about even if they do not seem to talk the English <span class="sic" title="Correction: language">landguage</span>. So then we went to the Kunst theater. So it seems <span class="pageNum" id="pb148">[<a href="#pb148">148</a>]</span>that Munchen is practically full of Germans and the lobby of the Kunst theater was -really full of Germans who stand in the lobby and drink beer and eat quite a lot of -Bermudian onions and garlick sausage and hard boiled eggs and beer before all of the -acts. So I really had to ask Mr. Spoffard if he thought we had come to the right theatre -because the lobby seemed to smell such a lot. I mean when the smell of beer gets to -be anteek it gets to smell quite a lot. But Mr. Spoffard seemed to think that the -lobby of the Kunst theatre did not smell any worse than all of the other places in -Munich. So then Dorothy spoke up and Dorothy said “You can say what you want about -the Germans being full of ‘kunst,’ but what they are really full of is delicatessen.” -</p> -<p>So then we went into the Kunst theater. But the Kunst theater does not seem to smell -so good as the lobby of the Kunst theater. And the Kunst theater seems to be decorated -with quite a lot of what tripe would look like if it was pasted on the wall and gilded. -Only you could not really see the gilding because it was covered with quite a lot -of dust. So Dorothy looked around and Dorothy said, if <span class="pageNum" id="pb149">[<a href="#pb149">149</a>]</span>this is “kunst,” the art center of the world is Union Hill New Jersey. -</p> -<p>So then they started in to playing Kiki but it seems that it was not the same kind -of a Kiki that we have in America, because it seemed to be all about a family of large -size German people who seemed to keep getting in each others ways. I mean when a stage -is completely full of 2 or 3 German people who are quite large size, they really cannot -help it if they seem to get in each others ways. So then Dorothy got to talking with -a young gentleman who seemed to be a German gentleman who sat back of her, who she -thought was applauding. But what he was really doing was he was cracking a hard boiled -egg on the back of her chair. So he talked English with quite an accent that seemed -to be quite a German accent. So Dorothy asked him if Kiki had come out on the stage -yet. So he said no, but she was really a beautiful german actress who came clear from -Berlin and he said we should really wait until she came out, even if we did not seem -to understand it. So finally she came out. I mean we knew it was her because Dorothy’s -German gentleman friend nudged Dorothy with <span class="pageNum" id="pb150">[<a href="#pb150">150</a>]</span>a sausage. So we looked at her, and we looked at her and Dorothy said, “If Schuman -Heinke still has a grandmother, we have dug her up in Munchen.” So we did not bother -to see any more of Kiki because Dorothy said she would really have to know more about -the foundations of that building before she would risk our lives to see Kiki do that -famous scene where she faints in the last act. Because Dorothy said, if the foundations -of that building were as anteek as the smell, there was going to be a catasterophy -when Kiki hit the floor. So even Mr. Spoffard was quite discouradged, but he was really -glad because he said he was 100 per cent. of an American and it served the Germans -right for starting such a war against all we Americans. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>May 20th</i>: -</p> -<p>Well today Mr. Spoffard is going to take me all around to all of the museums in Munchen, -which are full of kunst that I really ought to look at, but Dorothy said she had been -punished for all of her sins last night, so now she is going to begin life all over -again by going out with her German gentleman friend, who is going to take her to a -house <span class="pageNum" id="pb151">[<a href="#pb151">151</a>]</span>called the Half Brow house which is the worlds largest size of a Beer Hall. So Dorothy -said I could be a high brow and get full of kunst, but she is <span class="sic" title="Correction: satisfied">satisfide</span> to be a Half brow and get full of beer. But Dorothy will really never be full of -anything else but unrefinement. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>May 21st</i>: -</p> -<p>Well Mr. Spoffard and I and Dorothy are on the train again and we are all going to -Vienna. I mean Mr. Spoffard and I spent one whole day going through all of the museums -in Munchen, but I am really not even going to think about it. Because when something -terrible happens to me, I always try to be a Christian science and I simply do not -even think about it, but I deny that it ever happened even if my feet do seem to hurt -quite a lot. So even Dorothy had quite a hard day in Munchen because her German gentleman -friend, who is called Rudolf, came for her at 11 oclock to take her to breakfast. -But Dorothy told him that she had had her breakfast. But her gentleman friend said -that he had had his first breakfast <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span>, but it was time for his second. So he took Dorothy <span class="pageNum" id="pb152">[<a href="#pb152">152</a>]</span>to the Half Brow house where everybody eats white sausages and pretzels and beer at -11 oclock. So after they had their white sausages and beer he wanted to take her for -a ride but they could only go a few blocks because by then it was time for luncheon. -So they ate quite a lot of luncheon and then he bought her a large size box of chocolates -that were full of liqueurs, and took her to the matinee. So after the first act Rudolf -got hungry and they had to go and stand in the lobby and have some <span class="sic" title="Correction: sandwiches">sandwitches</span> and beer. But Dorothy did not enjoy the show very much and so after the second act -Rudolf said they would leave because it was time for tea anyway. So after quite a -heavy tea, Rudolph asked her to dinner and Dorothy was <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> overcome to say No. So after dinner they went to a beer garden for beer and pretzels. -But finally Dorothy began to come to, and she asked him to take her back to the hotel. -So Rudolf said he would, but they had better have a bite to eat first. So today Dorothy -really feels just as <span class="sic" title="Correction: discouraged">discouradged</span> as I seem to feel, only Dorothy is not a Christian science and all she can do is -suffer. -</p> -<p>But in spite of all of my Christian science, <span class="pageNum" id="pb153">[<a href="#pb153">153</a>]</span>I am really beginning to feel quite <span class="sic" title="Correction: discouraged">discouradged</span> about Vienna. I mean Mr. Eisman is in Vienna, and I do not see how I can spend quite -a lot of time with Mr. Eisman and quite a lot of time with Mr. Spoffard and keep them -from meeting one another. Because Mr. Spoffard might not seem to understand why Mr. -Eisman seems to spend quite a lot of money to get me educated. And Dorothy keeps trying -to depress me about Miss Chapman because she says she thinks that when Miss Chapman -sees I and Mr. Spoffard together she thinks that Miss Chapman will cable for the <span class="sic" title="Correction: family’s">familys</span> favorite lunacy expert. So I have got to be as full of Christian science as I can -and always hope for the best. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>May 25th</i>: -</p> -<p>So far everything has really worked out for the best. Because Mr. Eisman is very very -busy all day with the button profession, and he tells me to run around with Dorothy -all day. So I and Mr. Spoffard run around all day. So then I tell Mr. Spoffard that -I really do not care to go to all of the places that you go to at night, but I will -go to bed and get ready for tomorrow instead. So then <span class="pageNum" id="pb154">[<a href="#pb154">154</a>]</span>Dorothy and I go to dinner with Mr. Eisman and then we go to a show, and we stay up -quite late at a cabaret called the Chapeau Rouge and I am able to keep it all up with -the aid of champagne. So if we keep our eye out for Mr. Spoffard and do not all bump -into one another when he is out looking at things that we Americans really should -not look at, it will all work out for the best. I mean I have even stopped Mr. Spoffard -looking at museums because I tell him that I like nature better, and when you look -at nature you look at it in a horse and buggy in the park and it is much easier on -the feet. So now he is beginning to talk about how he would like me to meet his mother, -so everything really seems for the best after all. -</p> -<p>But I have quite a hard time with Mr. Eisman at night. I mean at night Mr. Eisman -is in quite a state, because every time he makes an engagement about the button factory, -it is time for all the gentlemen in Vienna to go to the coffee house and sit. Or else -every time he makes an engagement about the button factory, some Viennese gentleman -gets the idea to have a <span class="sic" title="Correction: picnic">picknick</span> and they all put on short pants and bare knees and they all put a <span class="pageNum" id="pb155">[<a href="#pb155">155</a>]</span>feather in their hat, and they all walk to the Tyrol. So it really <span class="sic" title="Correction: discourages">discouradges</span> Mr. Eisman quite a lot. But if anyone ought to get <span class="sic" title="Correction: discouraged">discouradged</span> I think that I ought to get <span class="sic" title="Correction: discouraged">discouradged</span> because after all when a girl has had no sleep for a week a girl can not help it -if she seems to get <span class="sic" title="Correction: discouraged">discouradged</span>. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>May 27th</i>: -</p> -<p>Well <span class="sic" title="Correction: finally">finaly</span> I broke down and Mr. Spoffard said that he thought a little girl like I, who was -trying to reform the whole world was trying to do <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> much, especially beginning on a girl like Dorothy. So he said there was a famous -doctor in Vienna called Dr. Froyd who could stop all of my worrying because he does -not give a girl medicine but he talks you out of it by psychoanalysis. So yesterday -he took me to Dr. Froyd. So Dr. Froyd and I had quite a long talk in the english <span class="sic" title="Correction: language">landguage</span>. So it seems that everybody seems to have a thing called inhibitions, which is when -you want to do a thing and you do not do it. So then you dream about it instead. So -Dr. Froyd asked me, what I seemed to dream about. So I told him that I never really -dream about anything. I mean <span class="pageNum" id="pb156">[<a href="#pb156">156</a>]</span>I use my brains so much in the day time that at night they do not seem to do anything -else but rest. So Dr. Froyd was very very <span class="sic" title="Correction: surprised">surprized</span> at a girl who did not dream about anything. So then he asked me all about my life. -I mean he is very very sympathetic, and he seems to know how to draw a girl out quite -a lot. I mean I told him things that I really would not even put in my diary. So then -he seemed very very <span class="sic" title="Correction: intrigued">intreeged</span> at a girl who always seemed to do everything she wanted to do. So he asked me if -I really never wanted to do a thing that I did not do. For instance did I ever want -to do a thing that was really <span class="sic" title="Correction: violent">vialent</span>, for instance, did I ever want to shoot someone for instance. So then I said I had, -but the bullet only went in Mr. Jennings lung and came right out again. So then Dr. -Froyd looked at me and looked at me and he said he did not really think it was possible. -So then he called in his assistance and he pointed at me and talked to his assistance -quite a lot in the Viennese <span class="sic" title="Correction: language">landguage</span>. So then his assistance looked at me and looked at me and it really seems as if I -was quite a famous case. So then Dr. Froyd said that all <span class="pageNum" id="pb158">[<a href="#pb158">158</a>]</span>I needed was to cultivate a few inhibitions and get some sleep. -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure p157width"><img src="images/p157.jpg" alt="“Dr. Froyd seemed to think that I was quite a famous case.”" width="370" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>Dr. Froyd seemed to think that I was quite a famous case.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>May 29th</i>: -</p> -<p>Things are really getting to be quite a strain. Because yesterday Mr. Spoffard and -Mr. Eisman were both in the lobby of the Bristol hotel and I had to pretend not to -see both of them. I mean it is quite an easy thing to pretend not to see one gentleman, -but it is a quite hard thing to pretend not to see two gentlemen. So something has -really got to happen soon, or I will have to admit that things seem to be happening -that are not for the best. -</p> -<p>So this afternoon Dorothy and I had an engagement to meet Count Salm for tea at four -o’clock, only you do not call it tea at Vienna but you seem to call it “yowzer” and -you do not drink tea at Vienna but you drink coffee instead. I mean it is quite unusual -to see all of the gentlemen at Vienna stop work, to go to yowzer about one hour after -they have all finished their luncheon, but time really does not seem to mean so much -to Viennese gentlemen except time to get to the coffee house, which they all seem -to know by <span class="pageNum" id="pb159">[<a href="#pb159">159</a>]</span>instincts, or else they really do not seem to mind if they make a mistake and get -there <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> early. Because Mr. Eisman says that when it is time to attend to the button profession, -they really seem to lose all of their interest until Mr. Eisman is getting so nervous -he could scream. -</p> -<p>So we went to Deimels and met Count Salm. But while we were having yowzer with Count -Salm, we saw Mr. Spoffard’s mother come in with her companion<span class="sic" title="Correction: ,"></span> Miss Chapman, and Miss Chapman seemed to look at me quite a lot and talk to Mr. Spoffards -mother about me quite a lot. So I became quite nervous, because I really wished that -we were not with Count Salm. I mean it has been quite a hard thing to make Mr. Spoffard -think that I am trying to reform Dorothy, but if I had to try to make him think that -I was trying to reform Count Salm, he might begin to think that there is a limit to -almost everything. So Mr. <span class="sic" title="Correction: Spoffard’s">Spoffards</span> mother seems to be deaf, because she seems to use an ear trumpet and I really could -not help over hearing quite a lot of words that Miss Chapman was using on me, even -if it is not such good <span class="sic" title="Correction: etiquette">etiquet</span> to overhear people. So Miss <span class="pageNum" id="pb160">[<a href="#pb160">160</a>]</span>Chapman seemed to be telling Mr. Spoffards mother that I was a “creature,” and she -seemed to be telling her that I was the real reason why her son seemed to be so full -of nothing but neglect lately. So then Mr. Spoffards mother looked at me and looked -at me, even if it was not such good etiquet to look at a person. And Miss Chapman -kept right on talking to Mr. Spoffards mother and I heard her mention Willie Gwynn -and I think that Miss Chapman has been making some inquiries about me and I really -think that she has heard about the time when all of the family of Willie Gwynn had -quite a long talk with me and persuaded me not to marry Willie Gwynn for $10,000. -So I really wish Mr. Spoffard would introduce me to his mother before she gets to -be full of quite a lot of prejudice. Because one thing seems to be piling up on top -of another thing, until I am almost on the verge of getting nervous and I have not -had any time yet to do what Dr. Froyd said a girl ought to do. -</p> -<p>So tonight I am going to tell Mr. Eisman that I have got to go to bed early, so then -I can take quite a long ride with Mr. Spoffard and look at nature, and he may say -something <span class="pageNum" id="pb161">[<a href="#pb161">161</a>]</span>definite, because nothing makes gentlemen get so definite as looking at nature when -it is moonlight. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>May 30th</i>: -</p> -<p>Well last night Mr. Spoffard and I took quite a long ride in the park, but they do -not call it a park in the Viennese <span class="sic" title="Correction: language">landguage</span> but they call it the Prater. So a prater is really <span class="sic" title="Correction: divine">devine</span> because it is just like Coney Island but at the same time it is in the woods and -it is practically full of trees and it has quite a long road for people to take rides -on in a horse and buggy. So I found out that Miss Chapman had been talking against -me quite a lot. So it seems that she has been making inquiries about me, and I was -really surprised to hear all of the things that Miss Chapman seemed to find out about -me except that she did not find out about Mr. Eisman educating me. So then I had to -tell Mr. Spoffard that I was not always so reformed as I am now, because the world -was full of gentlemen who were nothing but wolfs in sheeps clothes, that did nothing -but take <span class="sic" title="Correction: advantage">advantadge</span> of all we girls. So I really cried quite a lot. So then I told him how I was just -a little girl from <span class="pageNum" id="pb162">[<a href="#pb162">162</a>]</span>Little Rock when I first left Little Rock and by that time even Mr. Spoffard had tears -in his eyes. So I told him how I came from a very very good family because papa was -very <span class="sic" title="Correction: intellectual">intelectual</span>, and he was a very very prominent Elk, and everybody always said that he was a very -<span class="sic" title="Correction: intellectual">intelectual</span> Elk. So I told Mr. Spoffard that when I left Little Rock I thought that all of the -gentlemen did not want to do anything but protect we girls and by the time I found -out that they did not want to protect us so much, it was <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> late. So then he cried quite a lot. So then I told him how I <span class="sic" title="Correction: finally">finaly</span> got reformed by reading all about him in the newspapers and when I saw him in the -oriental express it really seemed to be nothing but the result of fate. So I told -Mr. Spoffard that I thought a girl was really more reformed if she knew what it was -to be unreformed than if she was born reformed and never really knew that was the -matter with her. So then Mr. Spoffard reached over and he kissed me on the forehead -in a way that was full of <span class="sic" title="Correction: reverence">reverance</span> and he said I seemed to remind him quite a lot of a girl who got quite a write-up -in the bible who was called Magdellen. So then he said that he used to be a <span class="pageNum" id="pb163">[<a href="#pb163">163</a>]</span>member of the choir himself, so who was he to cast the first rock at a girl like I. -</p> -<p>So we rode around in the Prater until it was quite late and it really was <span class="sic" title="Correction: divine">devine</span> because it was moonlight and we talked quite a lot about morals, and all the bands -in the prater were all playing in the <span class="sic" title="Correction: distance">distants</span> “Mama love Papa”. Because “Mama love Papa” has just reached Vienna and they all seem -to be crazy about “Mama love Papa” even if it is not so new in America. So then he -took me home to the hotel. -</p> -<p>So everything always works out for the best, because this morning Mr. Spoffard called -up and told me he wanted me to meet his mother. So I told him I would like to have -luncheon alone with his mother because we could have quite a little tatatate if there -was only two of us. So I told him to bring his mother to our room for luncheon because -I thought that Miss Chapman could not walk into our room and spoil everything. -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure p164width"><img src="images/p164.jpg" alt="“I told Mr. Spoffard’s mother that I did not seem to like all of the flappers we seem to have nowadays.”" width="538" height="273"><p class="figureHead">“<i>I told Mr. Spoffard’s mother that I did not seem to like all of the flappers we seem -to have nowadays.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p>So he brought his mother down to our sitting room and I put on quite a simple little -organdy gown that I had ripped all of the trimming off of, and I had a pair of black -lace mitts that Dorothy used to wear in the <span class="pageNum" id="pb164">[<a href="#pb164">164</a>]</span>Follies and I had a pair of shoes that did not have any heels on them. So when he -introduced us to each other I dropped her a <span class="sic" title="Correction: curtsey">courtesy</span> because I always think it is quite quaint when a girl drops quite a lot of <span class="sic" title="Correction: curtsies">courtesys</span>. So then he left us alone and we had quite a little talk and I told her that I did -not seem to like all of the flappers that we seem to have nowadays, because I was -brought up to be more old fashioned. So then Mr. <span class="sic" title="Correction: Spoffard’s">Spoffards</span> mother told me that Miss Chapman said that she had heard that I was not so old fashioned. -But I told her that I was so old fashioned that I was always full of respect for all -of my elders and I would not dare to tell them everything they ought <span class="pageNum" id="pb165">[<a href="#pb165">165</a>]</span>to do, like Miss Chapman seems to tell her everything she ought to do, for instants. -</p> -<p>So then I ordered luncheon and I thought some champagne would make her feel quite -good for luncheon so I asked her if she liked champagne. So she really likes champagne -very very much but Miss Chapman thinks it is not so nice for a person to drink liquor. -But I told her that I was a Christian science, and all of we Christian science seem -to believe that there can not really be any harm in anything, so how can there be -any harm in a small size bottle of champagne? So she never seemed to look at it in -that kind of a light before, because she said that Miss Chapman believed in Christian -science also, but what Miss Chapman believed about things that were good for you to -drink seemed to apply more towards water. So then we had luncheon and she began to -feel very very good. So I thought that we had better have another bottle of champagne -because I told her that I was such an ardent Christian science that I did not even -believe there could be any harm in two bottles of champagne. So we had another bottle -of champagne and she became very intreeged about Christian science because <span class="pageNum" id="pb166">[<a href="#pb166">166</a>]</span>she said that she really thought it was a better religion than <span class="sic" title="Correction: Presbyterians">Prespyterians</span>. So she said Miss Chapman used to try to get her to use it on things, but Miss Chapman -never seemed to have such a large size grasp of the Christian science religion as -I seem to have. -</p> -<p>So then I told her that I thought Miss Chapman was jealous of her good looks. So then -she said that that was true, because Miss Chapman would always make her wear hats -that were made out of black horses hair because horses hair does not weigh so much -on a persons brain. So I told her I was going to give her one of my hats that has -got quite large size roses on it. So then I got it out, but we could not get it on -her head because hats are quite small on account of hair being bobbed. So I thought -I would get the <span class="sic" title="Correction: scissors">sissors</span> and bob her head, but then I thought I had done enough to her for one day. -</p> -<p>So Henry’s mother said that I was really the most sunshine that she ever had in all -her life and when Henry came back to take his Mother up to her room, she did not want -to go. But after he got her away he called me up on the telephone and he was <span class="sic" title="Correction: quite">qiute</span> excited and he said he wanted to ask me something <span class="pageNum" id="pb167">[<a href="#pb167">167</a>]</span>that was very very important. So I said I would see him tonight. -</p> -<p>But now I have got to see Mr. Eisman because I have an idea about doing something -that is really very very important that has got to be done at once. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>May 31st</i>: -</p> -<p>Well I and Dorothy and Mr. Eisman are on a train going to a place called Buda Pest. -So I did not see Henry again before I left, but I left him a letter. Because I thought -it would be a quite good thing if what he wanted to ask me he would have to write -down, instead of asking me, and he could not write it to me if I was in the same city -that he is in. So I told him in my letter that I had to leave in five minute’s time -because I found out that Dorothy was just on the verge of getting very unreformed, -and if I did not get her away, all I had done for her would really go for nothing. -So I told him to write down what he had to say to me, and mail it to me at the Ritz -hotel in Buda Pest. Because I always seem to believe in the old <span class="sic" title="Correction: adage">addage</span>, Say it in writing. -</p> -<p>So it was really very easy to get Mr. Eisman <span class="pageNum" id="pb168">[<a href="#pb168">168</a>]</span>to leave Vienna, because yesterday he went out to see the button factory but it seems -that all of the people at the button factory were not at work but they were giving -a birthday party to some saint. So it seems that every time some saint has a birthday -they all stop work so they can give it a birthday party. So Mr. Eisman looked at their -calendar, and found out that some saint or other was born practically every week in -the year. So he has decided that America is good enough for him. -</p> -<p>So Henry will not be able to follow me to Buda Pest because his mother is having treatments -by Dr. Froyd and she seems to be a much more difficult case than I seem to be. I mean -it is quite hard for Dr. Froyd, because she cannot seem to remember which is a dream -and which really happened to her. So she tells him everything, and he has to use his -judgement. I mean when she tells him that a very very handsome young gentleman tried -to flirt with her on Fifth Avenue, he uses his judgement. -</p> -<p>So we will soon be at a Ritz hotel again and I must say it will be delightful to find -a Ritz hotel right in the central of Europe. -<span class="pageNum" id="pb169">[<a href="#pb169">169</a>]</span></p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>June 1st</i>: -</p> -<p>Well yesterday <span class="sic" title="Correction: Henry’s">Henrys</span> letter came and it says in black and white that he and his mother have never met -such a girl as I and he wants me to marry him. So I took <span class="sic" title="Correction: Henry’s">Henrys</span> letter to the photographers and I had quite a lot of photographs taken of it because -a girl might lose <span class="sic" title="Correction: Henry’s">Henrys</span> letter and she would not have anything left to remember him by. But Dorothy says -to hang on to Henry’s letter, because she really does not think the photographs do -it justice. -</p> -<p>So this afternoon I got a telegram from Henry and the telegram says that Henry’s father -is very, very ill in New York and they have got to leave for New York immediately -and his heart is broken not to see me again and to send him my answer by telegraph -so that his mind will be rested while he is going back to New York. So I sent him -a telegram and I accepted his proposal. So tonight I got another telegram and Henry -says that he and his mother are very very happy and <span class="sic" title="Correction: Henry’s">Henrys</span> mother can hardly bear Miss Chapman any more and Henry says he hopes I will decide -to come right back to New York and keep his mother quite a lot of company, <span class="pageNum" id="pb170">[<a href="#pb170">170</a>]</span>because he thinks I can reform Dorothy more in New York anyway, where there is prohibition -and nobody can get anything to drink. -</p> -<p>So now I have got to make up my mind whether I really want to marry Henry after all. -Because I know to much to get married to any gentleman like Henry without thinking -it all over. Because Henry is the kind of a gentleman who gets on a girls nerves quite -a lot and when a gentleman has nothing else to do but get on a girls nerves, there -really seems to be a limit to almost everything. Because when a gentleman has a business, -he has an office and he has to be there, but when a gentlemans business is only looking -into other peoples business, a gentleman is always on the verge of coming in and out -of the house. And a girl could not really say that her time was her own. And when -Henry was not in and out of the house, his mother would always be in and out of the -house because she seems to think that I am so full of nothing but sunshine. So it -is quite a problem and I seem to be in quite a quarandary, because it might really -be better if Henry should happen to decide that he should not get married, and he -should change his mind, and desert a <span class="pageNum" id="pb171">[<a href="#pb171">171</a>]</span>girl, and then it would only be right if a girl should sue him for a breach of promise. -</p> -<p>But I really think, whatever happens, that Dorothy and I had better get back to New -York. So I will see if Mr. Eisman will send us back. I mean I really do not think -that Mr. Eisman will mind us going back because if he does, I will start shopping -again and that always seems to bring him to terms. But all the time I am going back -to New York, I will have to try to make up my mind one way or another. Because we -girls really can not help it, if we have ideals, and sometimes my mind seems to get -to running on things that are romantic, and I seem to think that maybe there is some -place in the world where there is a gentleman who knows how to look and act like Count -Salm and who has got money besides. And when a <span class="sic" title="Correction: girl’s">girls</span> mind gets to thinking about such a romantic thing, a girls mind really does not seem -to know whether to marry Henry or not. -<span class="pageNum" id="pb175">[<a href="#pb175">175</a>]</span></p> -</div> -</div> -<div id="ch6" class="div1 chapter"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#xd31e299">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divHead"> -<h2 class="label">CHAPTER SIX</h2> -<h2 class="main">BRAINS ARE REALLY EVERYTHING</h2> -</div> -<div class="divBody"> -<p class="first dateentry"><i>June 14th</i>: -</p> -<p>Well, Dorothy and I arrived at New York yesterday because Mr. Eisman finally decided -to send us home because he said that all of his button profession would not stand -the strain of educating me much more in Europe. So we separated from Mr. Eisman in -Buda Pest because Mr. Eisman had to go to Berlin to look up all of his starving relatives -in Berlin, who have done nothing but starve since the War, so he wrote me just before -we sailed and he said that he had dug up all his starving relatives and he had looked -them all over, and decided not to bring them to America because there was not one -of his starving relatives who could travel on a railroad ticket without paying excess -fare for overweight. -</p> -<p>So Dorothy and I took the boat and all the way over on the boat I had to make up my -mind whether I really wanted to marry the famous Henry H. Spoffard, or not, because -<span class="pageNum" id="pb176">[<a href="#pb176">176</a>]</span>he was waiting for me to arrive at New York and he was so impatient that he could -hardly wait for me to arrive at New York. But I have not wasted all of my time on -Henry, even if I do not marry him, because I have some letters from Henry which would -come in very, very handy if I did not marry Henry. So Dorothy seems to agree with -me quite a lot, because Dorothy says the only thing she could stand being to Henry, -would be to be his widow at the age of 18. -</p> -<p>So coming over on the boat I decided not to bother to meet any gentleman, because -what good does it do to meet gentlemen when there is nothing to do on a boat but go -shopping at a little shop where they do not have any thing that costs more than five -dollars. And besides if I did meet any gentleman on the boat, he would want to see -me off the boat, and then we would bump into Henry. But then I heard that there was -a gentleman on the boat who was quite a dealer in unset diamonds from a town called -Amsterdam. So I met the gentleman, and we went around together quite a lot, but we -had quite a quarrel the night before we landed, so I did not even bother to look at -him when I came down <span class="pageNum" id="pb177">[<a href="#pb177">177</a>]</span>the gangplank, and I put the unset diamonds in my handbag so I did not have to declare -them at the customs. -</p> -<p>So Henry was waiting for me at the customs, because he had come up from Pennsylvania -to meet me, because their country estate is at Pennsylvania, and Henry’s father is -very, very ill at Pennsylvania, so Henry has to stay there practically all of the -time. So all of the reporters were at the customs and they all heard about how Henry -and I were engaged to one another and they wanted to know what I was before I became -engaged to Henry, so I told them that I was nothing but a society girl from Little -Rock, Arkansas. So then I became quite angry with Dorothy because one of the reporters -asked Dorothy when I made my debut in society at Little Rock and Dorothy said I made -my debut at the Elks annual street fair and carnival at the age of 15, I mean Dorothy -never overlooks any chance to be unrefined, even when she is talking to literary gentlemen -like reporters. -</p> -<p>So Henry brought me to the apartment in his Rolls Royce, and while we were coming -to the apartment he said he wanted to give me my engagement ring and I really became -<span class="pageNum" id="pb178">[<a href="#pb178">178</a>]</span>all thrills. So he said that he had gone to Cartiers and he had looked over all the -engagement rings in Cartiers and after he had looked them all over he had decided -that they were not half good enough for me. So then he took a box out of his pocket -and I really became <span class="sic" title="Correction: intrigued">intreeged</span>. So then Henry said that when he looked at all of those large size diamonds he really -felt that they did not have any sentiment, so he was going to give me his class ring -from Amherst College <span class="sic" title="Correction: instead">insted</span>. So then I looked at him and looked at him, but I am to full of self <span class="sic" title="Correction: control">controle</span> to say anything at this stage of the game, so I said it was really very sweet of -him to be so full of nothing but sentiment. -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure p178width"><img src="images/p178.jpg" alt="“I told him that it was really very sweet of him to be so full of nothing but sentiment.”" width="541" height="275"><p class="figureHead">“<i>I told him that it was really very sweet of him to be so full of nothing but sentiment.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -<span class="pageNum" id="pb179">[<a href="#pb179">179</a>]</span></p> -<p>So then Henry said that he would have to go back to Pennsylvania to talk to his father -about us getting married, because his father has really got his heart set on us not -getting married. So I told Henry that perhaps if I would meet his father, I would -win him over, because I always seem to win gentlemen over. But Henry says that that -is just the trouble, because some girl is always winning his father over, and they -hardly dare to let him go out of their sight, and they hardly dare let him go to church -alone. Because the last time he went to church alone some girl won him over on the -street corner and he arrived back home with all of his pocket money gone, and they -could not believe him when he said that he had put it in the plate, because he has -not put more than a dime in the plate for the last fifty years. -</p> -<p>So it seems that the real reason why his father does not want Henry to marry me, is -because his father says that Henry always has all of the fun, and every time Henry’s -father wants to have some fun of his own, Henry always stops him and Henry will not -even let him be sick at a hospital where he could have some fun of his own, but he -keeps <span class="pageNum" id="pb180">[<a href="#pb180">180</a>]</span>him at home where he has to have a nurse Henry picked out for him who is a male nurse. -So all of his objections seem to be nothing but the spirit of <span class="sic" title="Correction: reciprocity">resiprosity</span>. But Henry says that all his objections cannot last much longer because he is nearly -90 years of age after all, and Nature must take its course sooner or later. -</p> -<p>So Dorothy says what a fool I am to waste my time on Henry, when I might manage to -meet Henry’s father and the whole thing would be over in a few months and I would -practically own the state of Pennsylvania. But I do not think I ought to take Dorothy’s -<span class="sic" title="Correction: advice">advise</span> because Henry’s father is watched like a hawk and Henry himself is his Power of Attorney, -so no good could really come of it after all. And, after all, why should I listen -to the <span class="sic" title="Correction: advice">advise</span> of a girl like Dorothy who travelled all over Europe and all she came home with was -a bangle! -</p> -<p>So Henry spent the evening at the apartment and then he had to go back to Pennsylvania -to be there Thursday morning, because every Thursday morning he belongs to a society -who do nothing but <span class="sic" title="Correction: censure">senshure</span> all of the photoplays. So they cut out all of the <span class="pageNum" id="pb181">[<a href="#pb181">181</a>]</span>pieces out of all the photoplays that show things that are riskay, that people ought -not to look at. So then they put all of the riskay pieces together and they run them -over and over again. So it would really be quite a hard thing to drag Henry away from -one of his Thursday mornings and he can hardly wait from one Thursday morning to another. -Because he really does not seem to enjoy anything so much as senshuring photoplays -and after a photoplay has once been senshured he seems to lose all of his interest -in it. -</p> -<p>So after Henry left I held quite a conversation with Lulu, who is my maid who looked -out for my apartment while I was away. So Lulu really thinks I ought to marry Mr. -Spoffard after all, because Lulu says that she kept studying Mr. Spoffard all of the -time she was unpacking my trunks, and Lulu says she is sure that any time I feel as -if I had to get away from Mr. Spoffard I could just set him down on the floor, and -give him a packet of riskay french postcards to senshure and stay away as long as -I like. -</p> -<p>So Henry is going to arrange for me to come down to Pennsylvania for a week-end and -meet all of his family. But if all of <span class="pageNum" id="pb182">[<a href="#pb182">182</a>]</span>Henry’s family are as full of reforms as Henry seems to be, it will be quite an ordeal -even for a girl like I. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>June 15th</i>: -</p> -<p>Yesterday morning was quite an ordeal for a refined girl because all of the newspapers -all printed the story of how Henry and I are engaged to one another, but they all -seemed to leave out the part about me being a society girl except one newspaper, and -that was the newspaper that quoted what Dorothy said about me being a debutant at -the Elk’s Carnival. So I called up Dorothy at the Ritz and I told Dorothy that a girl -like she ought to keep her mouth closed in the <span class="sic" title="Correction: presence">presents</span> of reporters. -</p> -<p>So it seems that quite a lot of reporters kept calling Dorothy up but Dorothy said -she really did not say anything to any of them except one reporter asked her what -I used for money and she told him buttons. But Dorothy really should not have said -such a thing, because quite a few people seem to know that Mr. Eisman is educating -me and that he is known all over Chicago as Gus Eisman the Button King, so one thing -might <span class="pageNum" id="pb183">[<a href="#pb183">183</a>]</span>suggest another until people’s minds might begin to think something. -</p> -<p>But Dorothy said that she did not say anything more about me being a debutant at Little -Rock, because after all Dorothy knows that I really did not make any debut in Little -Rock, because just when it was time to make my debut, my gentleman friend Mr. Jennings -became shot, and after the trial was over and all of the Jury had let me off, I was -really much <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> fatigued to make any debut. -</p> -<p>So then Dorothy said, why don’t we throw a party now and you can become a debutant -now and put them all in their place, because it seems that Dorothy is dying for a -party. So that is really the first sensible suggestion that Dorothy has made yet, -because I think that every girl who is engaged to a gentleman who has a fine old family -like Henry, had really ought to be a debutant. So I told her to come right over and -we would plan my debut but we would keep it very, very quiet and give it tomorrow -night, because if Henry heard I was making my debut he would come up from Pennsylvania -and he would practically spoil the party, because all Henry has to do to spoil a party -is to arrive at it. -<span class="pageNum" id="pb184">[<a href="#pb184">184</a>]</span></p> -<p>So Dorothy came over and we planned my debut. So first we decided to have some engraved -invitations engraved, but it always takes quite a little time to have invitations -engraved, and it would really be foolish because all of the gentlemen we were going -to invite to my debut were all members of the Racquet Club, so I could just write -out a notice that I was having a debut and give it to Willie Gwynn and have Willie -Gwynn post it on the Racquet Club board. -</p> -<p>So Willie Gwynn posted it on the club board and then he called me up and he told me -that he had never seen so much enthusiasm since the Dempsey-Firpo fight, and he said -that the whole Racquet Club would be there in a body. So then we had to plan about -what girls we would ask to my debut. Because I have not seemed to meet so many society -women yet because of course a girl does not meet society women until her debut is -all over, and then all the society women all come and call on a debutant. But I know -practically all of the society men, because practically all of the society men belong -to the Racquet club, so after I have the Racquet Club at my debut, all I have to do -to take <span class="pageNum" id="pb185">[<a href="#pb185">185</a>]</span>my real place in society is to meet their mothers and sisters, because I know practically -all of their sweethearts now. -</p> -<p>But I always seem to think that it is delightful to have quite a lot of girls at a -party, if a girl has quite a lot of gentlemen at a party, and it is quite delightful -to have all the girls from the Follies, but I really could not invite them because, -after all, they are not in my set. So then I thought it all over and I thought that -even if it was not etiquette to invite them to a party, it really would be etiquette -to hire them to come to a party and be entertainers, and after they were entertainers -they could mix in to the party and it really would not be a social error. -</p> -<p>So then the telephone rang and Dorothy answered it and it seems that it was Joe Sanguinetti, -who is almost the official bootlegger for the whole Racquet Club, and Joe said he -had heard about my debut and if he could come to my debut and bring his club which -is the Silver Spray Social Club of Brooklyn, he would supply all of the liquor and -he would guarantee to practically run the rum fleet up to the front door. -<span class="pageNum" id="pb186">[<a href="#pb186">186</a>]</span></p> -<p>So Dorothy told him he could come, and she hung up the telephone before she told me -his proposition, and I became quite angry with Dorothy because, after all, the Silver -Spray Social Club is not even mentioned in the Social Register and it has no place -at a girl’s debut. But Dorothy said by the time the party got into swing, anyone would -have to be a genius if he could tell whether he belonged to the Racquet Club, the -Silver Spray Social Club, or the Knights of Pythias. But I really was almost sorry -that I asked Dorothy to help plan my debut, except that Dorothy is very good to have -at a party if the police come in, because Dorothy always knows how to manage the police, -and I never knew a policeman yet who did not finish up by being madly in love with -Dorothy. So then Dorothy called up all of the reporters on all of the newspapers and -invited them all to my debut, so they could see it with their own eyes. -</p> -<p>So Dorothy says that she is going to see to it that my debut lands on the front page -of all of the newspapers, if we have to commit a murder to do it. -<span class="pageNum" id="pb187">[<a href="#pb187">187</a>]</span></p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>June 19th</i>: -</p> -<p>Well, it has been three days since my debut party started but I finally got tired -and left the party last night and went to bed because I always seem to lose all of -my interest in a party after a few days, but Dorothy never loses her interest in a -party and when I woke up this morning Dorothy was just saying goodbye to some of the -guests. I mean Dorothy seems to have quite a lot of vitality, because the last guests -of the party were guests we picked up when the party went to take a swim at Long Beach -the day before yesterday, and they were practically fresh, but Dorothy had gone clear -through the party from beginning to end without even stopping to go to a Turkish bath -as most of the gentlemen had to do. So my debut has really been very novel, because -quite a lot of the guests who finished up at my debut were not the same guests that -started out at it, and it is really quite novel for a girl to have so many different -kinds of gentlemen at her debut. So it has really been a very great success because -all of the newspapers have quite a lot of write-ups about my debut and I really felt -quite proud when I saw the front <span class="pageNum" id="pb188">[<a href="#pb188">188</a>]</span>page of the <i>Daily Views</i> and it said in large size headlines, “LORELEI’S DEBUT A WOW!” And <i>Zits’ Weekly</i> came right out and said that if this party marks my entrance into society, they only -hope that they can live to see what I will spring once I have overcome my debutant -reserve and taken my place in the world. -</p> -<p>So I really had to apologise to Dorothy about asking Joe Sanguinetti to my debut because -it was wonderful the way he got all of the liquor to the party and he more than kept -his word. I mean he had his bootleggers run up from the wharf in taxis, right to the -apartment, and the only trouble he had was, that once the bootleggers delivered the -liquor, he could not get them to leave the party. So finally there was quite a little -quarrel because Willie Gwynn claimed that Joe’s bootleggers were snubbing the members -of his club because they would not let the boys from the Racquet club sing in their -quartet. But Joe’s bootleggers said that the Racquet club boys wanted to sing songs -that were unrefined, while they wanted to sing songs about Mother. So then everybody -started to take sides, but the girls from the Follies were all <span class="pageNum" id="pb189">[<a href="#pb189">189</a>]</span>with Joe’s bootleggers from the start because practically all we girls were listening -to them with tears <span class="sic" title="Correction: streaming">steaming</span> from our eyes. So that made the Racquet club jealous and one thing led to another -until somebody rang for an ambulants and then the police came in. -</p> -<p>So Dorothy, as usual, won over all of the police. So it seems that the police all -have orders from Judge Schultzmeyer, who is the famous judge who tries all of the -prohibition cases, that any time they break into a party that looks like it was going -to be a good party, to call him up no matter what time of the day or night it is, -because Judge Schultzmeyer dearly loves a party. So the Police called up Judge Schultzmeyer -and he was down in less than no time. So during the party both Joe Sanguinetti and -Judge Schultzmeyer fell madly in love with Dorothy. So Joe and the Judge had quite -a little quarrel and the Judge told Joe that if his stuff was fit to drink he would -set the Law after him and confiscate it, but his stuff was not worth the while of -any gentleman to confiscate who had any respect for his stomach, and he would not -lower himself to confiscate it. So along about nine o’clock <span class="pageNum" id="pb190">[<a href="#pb190">190</a>]</span>in the morning Judge Schultzmeyer had to leave the party and go to court to try all -of the criminals who break all of the laws, so he had to leave Dorothy and Joe together -and he was very very angry. And I really felt quite sorry for any person who went -up before Judge Schultzmeyer that morning, because he gave everybody 90 days and was -back at the party by twelve o’clock. So then he stuck to the party until we were all -going down to Long Beach to take a swim day before yesterday when he seemed to become -unconscious, so we dropped him off at a sanitorium in Garden City. -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure floatLeft p190width"><img src="images/p190.jpg" alt="“My debut was the greatest success of the social season.”" width="274" height="534"><p class="figureHead">“<i>My debut was the greatest success of the social season.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p>So my debut party was really the greatest success of the social season, because the -second night of my debut party was the night <span class="pageNum" id="pb191">[<a href="#pb191">191</a>]</span>when Willie Gwynn’s sister was having a dance at the Gwynn estate on Long Island, -and Willie Gwynn said that all of the eligible gentlemen in New York were conspicuous -by their <span class="sic" title="Correction: absence">absents</span> at his sister’s party, because they were all at my party. So it seems as if I am -really going to be quite a famous hostess if I can just bring my mind to the point -of being Mrs. Henry Spoffard Jr. -</p> -<p>Well Henry called up this morning and Henry said he had finally got his father’s mind -so that he thought it was safe for me to meet him and he was coming up to get me this -afternoon so that I can meet his family and see his famous old historical home at -Pennsylvania. So then he asked about my debut party which some of the Philadelphia -papers seemed to mention. But I told him that my debut was really not so much planned, -as it was spontaneous, and I did not have the heart to call him up at a moments notice -and take him away from his father at such a time for reasons which were nothing but -social. -</p> -<p>So now I am getting ready to visit Henry’s family and I feel as if my whole future -depends on it. Because if I can not stand <span class="pageNum" id="pb192">[<a href="#pb192">192</a>]</span>Henry’s family any more than I can stand Henry the whole thing will probly come to -an end in the law court. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>June 21st</i>: -</p> -<p>Well, I am now spending the weekend with Henry’s family at his old family mansion -outside of Philadelphia, and I am beginning to think, after all, that there is something -else in the world besides family. And I am beginning to think that family life is -only fit for those who can stand it. For instants, they always seem to get up very -early in Henry’s family. I mean it really is not so bad to get up early when there -is something to get up early about, but when a girl gets up early and there is nothing -to get up early about, it really begins to seem as if there was no sense to it. -</p> -<p>So yesterday we all got up early and that was when I met all of Henry’s family, because -Henry and I motored down to Pennsylvania and everybody was in bed when we arrived -because it was after nine o’clock. So in the morning Henry’s mother came to my room -to get me up in time for breakfast because Henry’s mother is very very fond of <span class="pageNum" id="pb193">[<a href="#pb193">193</a>]</span>me, and she always wants to copy all of my gowns and she always loves to look through -all of my things to see what I have got. So she found a box of liqueur candies that -are full of liqueurs and she was really very delighted. So I finally got dressed and -she threw the empty box away and I helped her down stairs to the Dining room. -</p> -<p>So Henry was waiting in the dining room with his sister and that was when I met his -sister. So it seems that Henry’s sister has never been the same since the war, because -she never had on a man’s collar and a necktie until she drove an <span class="sic" title="Correction: ambulance">ambulants</span> in the war, and now they cannot get her to take them off. Because ever since the -armistice Henry’s sister seems to have the idea that regular <span class="sic" title="Correction: womens’">womens</span> clothes are <span class="sic" title="Correction: effeminate">effiminate</span>. So Henry’s sister seems to think of nothing but either horses or automobiles and -when she is not in a garage the only other place she is happy in is a stable. I mean -she really pays very little attention to all of her family and she seems to pay less -attention to Henry than anybody else because she seems to have the idea that Henry’s -brains are not so <span class="sic" title="Correction: virile">viril</span>. So then we all waited for Henry’s father to come in so <span class="pageNum" id="pb194">[<a href="#pb194">194</a>]</span>that he could read the Bible out loud before breakfast. -</p> -<p>So then something happened that really was a miracle. Because it seems that Henry’s -father has practically lived in a wheel chair for months and months and his male nurse -has to wheel him everywhere. So his male nurse wheeled him into the dining room in -his wheel chair and then Henry said “Father, this is going to be your little daughter -in law,” and Henry’s father took one good look at me and got right out of his wheel -chair and walked! So then everybody was very very surprised, but Henry was not so -surprised because Henry knows his father like a book. So then they all tried to calm -his father down, and his father tried to read out of the Bible but he could hardly -keep his mind on the Bible and he could hardly eat a bite because when a gentleman -is as feeble as Henry’s father is, he cannot keep one eye on a girl and the other -eye on his cereal and cream without coming to grief. So Henry finally became quite -discouradged and he told his father he would have to get back to his room or he would -have a relapse. So then the male nurse wheeled him back to his room <span class="pageNum" id="pb195">[<a href="#pb195">195</a>]</span>and it really was pathetic because he cried like a baby. So I got to thinking over -what Dorothy advised me about Henry’s father and I really got to thinking that if -Henry’s father could only get away from everybody and have some time of his own, Dorothy’s -<span class="sic" title="Correction: advice">advise</span> might not be so bad after all. -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure p195width"><img src="images/p195.jpg" alt="“Henry’s father cannot keep one eye on a girl and the other on his cereal without coming to grief.”" width="539" height="274"><p class="figureHead">“<i>Henry’s father cannot keep one eye on a girl and the other on his cereal without coming -to grief.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p>So after breakfast we all got ready to go to church, but Henry’s sister does not go -to church because Henry’s sister always likes to spend every Sunday in the garage -taking their Ford farm truck apart and putting it back together again, and Henry says -that what the war did to a girl like his sister is really worse than the war itself. -</p> -<p>So then Henry and his mother and I all went to church. So we came home from <span class="pageNum" id="pb196">[<a href="#pb196">196</a>]</span>church and we had luncheon and it seems that luncheon is practically the same as breakfast -except that Henry’s father could not come down to luncheon because after he met me -he contracted such a vialent fever that they had to send for the Doctor. -</p> -<p>So in the afternoon Henry went to prayer meeting and I was left alone with Henry’s -mother so that we could rest up so that we could go to church again after supper. -So Henry’s mother thinks I am nothing but sunshine and she will hardly let me get -out of her sight, because she hates to be by herself because, when she is by herself, -her brains hardly seem to work at all. So she loves to try on all of my hats and she -loves to tell me how all the boys in the choir can hardly keep their eyes off her. -So of course a girl has to agree with her, and it is quite difficult to agree with -a person when you have to do it through an ear trumpet because sooner or later your -voice has to give out. -</p> -<p>So then supper turned out to be practically the same thing as luncheon only by supper -time all of the novelty seemed to wear off. So then I told Henry that I had to much -of a headache to go to church again, so Henry <span class="pageNum" id="pb197">[<a href="#pb197">197</a>]</span>and his mother went to church and I went to my room and I sat down and thought and -I decided that life was really <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> short to spend it in being proud of your family, even if they did have a great deal -of money. So the best thing for me to do is to think up some scheme to make Henry -decide not to marry me and take what I can get out of it and be satisfied. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>June 22nd</i>: -</p> -<p>Well, yesterday I made Henry put me on the train at Philadelphia and I made him stay -at Philadelphia so he could be near his father if his father seemed to take any more -relapses. So I sat in my drawing room on the train and I decided that the time had -come to get rid of Henry at any cost. So I decided that the thing that <span class="sic" title="Correction: discourages">discouradges</span> gentlemen more than anything else is shopping. Because even Mr. Eisman, who was practically -born for we girls to shop on, and who knows just what to expect, often gets quite -<span class="sic" title="Correction: discouraged">discouradged</span> over all of my shopping. So I decided I would get to New York and I would go to Cartiers -and run up quite a large size bill on Henry’s credit, because after all <span class="pageNum" id="pb198">[<a href="#pb198">198</a>]</span>our engagement has been announced in all of the newspapers, and Henry’s credit is -really my credit. -</p> -<p>So while I was thinking it all over there was a knock on the drawing room door, so -I told him to come in and it was a gentleman who said he had seen me quite a lot in -New York and he had always wanted to have an introduction to me, because we had quite -a lot of friends who were common. So then he gave me his card and his name was on -his card and it was Mr. Gilbertson Montrose and his profession is a senario writer. -So then I asked him to sit down and we held a literary conversation. -</p> -<p>So I really feel as if yesterday was a turning point in my life, because at last I -have met a gentleman who is not only an artist but who has got brains besides. I mean -he is the kind of a gentleman that a girl could sit at his feet and listen to for -days and days and nearly always learn something or other. Because, after all, there -is nothing that gives a girl more of a thrill than brains in a gentleman, especially -after a girl has been spending the week end with Henry. So Mr. Montrose talked and -talked all of the way to New <span class="pageNum" id="pb199">[<a href="#pb199">199</a>]</span>York and I sat there and did nothing else but listen. So according to Mr. Montrose’s -opinion <span class="sic" title="Correction: Shakespeare">Shakespear</span> is a very great <span class="sic" title="Correction: playwright">playwrite</span>, and he thinks that Hamlet is quite a famous tragedy and as far as novels are concerned -he believes that nearly everybody had ought to read Dickens. And when we got on the -subject of poetry he recited “The Shooting of Dan McGrew” until you could almost hear -the gun go off. -</p> -<p></p> -<div class="figure p199width"><img src="images/p199.jpg" alt="“When he recited ‘The Shooting of Dan McGrew’ you could almost hear the gun go off.”" width="537" height="275"><p class="figureHead">“<i>When he recited ‘The Shooting of Dan McGrew’ you could almost hear the gun go off.</i>”</p> -</div><p> -</p> -<p>And then I asked Mr. Montrose to tell me all about himself. So it seems that Mr. Montrose -was on his way home from Washington D. C., where he went to see the Bulgarian Ambassadore -to see if he could get Bulgaria to finance a senario he has written which is <span class="pageNum" id="pb200">[<a href="#pb200">200</a>]</span>a great historical subject which is founded on the sex life of Dolly Madison. So it -seems that Mr. Montrose has met quite a lot of Bulgarians in a Bulgarian restaurant -on Lexington Avenue and that was what gave him the idea to get the money from Bulgaria. -Because Mr. Montrose said that he could fill his senario full of Bulgarian propoganda, -and he told the Bulgarian Ambassadore that every time he realised how ignorant all -of the American film fans were on the subject of Bulgaria, it made him flinch. -</p> -<p>So I told Mr. Montrose that it made me feel very very small to talk to a gentleman -like he, who knew so much about Bulgaria, because practically all I knew about Bulgaria -was Zoolack. So Mr. Montrose said that the Bulgarian Ambassadore did not seem to think -that Dolly Madison had so much about her that was pertinent to present day Bulgaria, -but Mr. Montrose explained to him that that was because he knew practically nothing -about dramatic construction. Because Mr. Montrose said he could fix his senario so -that Dolly Madison would have one lover who was a Bulgarian, who wanted to marry her. -So then Dolly Madison would get to wondering <span class="pageNum" id="pb201">[<a href="#pb201">201</a>]</span>what her great, great grandchildren would be like if she married a Bulgarian, and -then she could sit down and have a vision of Bulgaria in 1925. So that was when Mr. -Montrose would take a trip to Bulgaria to photograph the vision. But the Bulgarian -Ambassadore turned down the whole proposition, but he gave Mr. Montrose quite a large -size bottle of the Bulgarian national drink. So the Bulgarian national drink looks -like nothing so much as water, and it really does not taste so strong, but about five -minutes afterwards you begin to <span class="sic" title="Correction: realize">realise</span> your mistake. But I thought to myself that if realizing my mistake could make me -forget what I went through in Pennsylvania, I really owed it to myself to forget everything. -So then we had another drink. -</p> -<p>So then Mr. Montrose told me that he had quite a hard time getting along in the motion -picture profession, because all of his <span class="sic" title="Correction: scenarios">senarios</span> are all over their head. Because when Mr. Montrose writes about sex, it is full of -<span class="sic" title="Correction: psychology">sychology</span>, but when everybody else writes about it, it is full of nothing but transparent <span class="sic" title="Correction: negligees">negligays</span> and ornamental bath tubs. And Mr. Montrose says that there is no future in the <span class="pageNum" id="pb202">[<a href="#pb202">202</a>]</span>motion pictures until the motion pictures get their sex motives straightened out, -and realize that a woman of 25 can have just as many sex problems as a flapper of -16. Because Mr. Montrose likes to write about women of the world, and he refuses to -have women of the world played by small size girls of 15 who know nothing about life -and who have not even been in the detention home. -</p> -<p>So we both arrived in New York before we realized it, and I got to thinking how the -same trip with Henry in his Rolls Royce seemed like about 24 hours, and that was what -gave me the idea that money was not everything, because after all, it is only brains -that count. So Mr. Montrose took me home and we are going to have luncheon together -at the Primrose Tea room practically every day and keep right on holding literary -conversations. -</p> -<p>So then I had to figure out how to get rid of Henry and at the same time not do anything -that would make me any trouble later. So I sent for Dorothy because Dorothy is not -so good at intreeging a gentleman with money, but she ought to be full of ideas on -how to get rid of one. -<span class="pageNum" id="pb203">[<a href="#pb203">203</a>]</span></p> -<p>So at first Dorothy said, Why didn’t I take a chance and marry Henry because she had -an idea that if Henry married me he would commit suicide about two weeks later. But -I told her about my plan to do quite a lot of shopping, and I told her that I would -send for Henry and I would manage it so that I would not be in the apartment when -he came, but she could be there and start a conversation with him and she could tell -him about all of my shopping and how extravagant I seemed to be and he would be in -the poor house in less than a year if he married me. -</p> -<p>So Dorothy said for me to take one farewell look at Henry and leave him to her, because -the next time I saw him would be in the witness box and I might not even recognize -him because she would throw a scare into him that might change his whole physical -appearance. So I decided to leave him in the hands of Dorothy and hope for the best. -</p> -<p class="dateentry"><i>July 10th</i>: -</p> -<p>Well, last month was really almost a diary in itself, and I have to begin to realize -that I am one of the kind of girls that things happen <span class="pageNum" id="pb204">[<a href="#pb204">204</a>]</span>to. And I have to admit, after all, that life is really wonderful. Because so much -has happened in the last few weeks that it almost makes a girl’s brains whirl. -</p> -<p>I mean in the first place I went shopping at Cartiers and bought quite a delightful -square cut emerald and quite a long rope of pearls on Henry’s credit. So then I called -up Henry on the long distants telephone and told him that I wanted to see him quite -a lot, so he was very very pleased and he said that he would come right up to New -York. -</p> -<p>So then I told Dorothy to come to the apartment and be there when Henry came, and -to show Henry what I bought on his credit, and to tell him how extravagant I seem -to be, and how I seem to keep on getting worse. So I told Dorothy to go as far as -she liked, so long as she did not insinuate anything against my character, because -the more spotless my character seems to be, the better things might turn out later. -So Henry was due at the apartment about 1.20, so I had Lulu get some luncheon for -he and Dorothy and I told Dorothy to tell him that I <span class="pageNum" id="pb205">[<a href="#pb205">205</a>]</span>had gone out to look at the Russian Crown Jewels that some Russian Grand Duchess or -other had for sale at the Ritz. -</p> -<p>So then I went to the Primrose Tea Room to have luncheon with Mr. Montrose because -Mr. Montrose loves to tell me of all his plans, and he says that I seem to remind -him quite a lot of a girl called Madame Recamier who all the <span class="sic" title="Correction: intellectual">intelectual</span> gentlemen used to tell all of their plans to, even when there was a French revolution -going on all around them. -</p> -<p>So Mr. Montrose and I had a delicious luncheon, except that I never seem to notice -what I am eating when I am with Mr. Montrose because when Mr. Montrose talks a girl -wants to do nothing but listen. But all of the time I was listening, I was thinking -about Dorothy and I was worrying for fear Dorothy would go <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> far, and tell Henry something that would not be so good for me afterwards. So finally -even Mr. Montrose seemed to notice it, and he said “What’s the matter little woman, -a penny for your thoughts.” -</p> -<p>So then I told him everything. So he seemed to think quite a lot and finally he said -to me “It is really to bad that you feel as <span class="pageNum" id="pb206">[<a href="#pb206">206</a>]</span>if the social life of Mr. Spoffard bored you, because Mr. Spoffard would be ideal -to finance my senario.” So then Mr. Montrose said that he had been thinking from the -very first how ideal I would be to play Dolly Madison. So that started me thinking -and I told Mr. Montrose that I expected to have quite a large size ammount of money -later on, and I would finance it myself. But Mr. Montrose said that would be to late, -because all of the motion picture corporations were after it now, and it would be -snaped up almost immediately. -</p> -<p>So then I became almost in a panick, because I suddenly decided that if I married -Henry and worked in the motion pictures at the same time, society life with Henry -would not really be so bad. Because if a girl was so busy as all that, it really would -not seem to matter so much if she had to stand Henry when she was not busy. But then -I realized what Dorothy was up to, and I told Mr. Montrose that I was almost afraid -it was to late. So I hurried to the telephone and I called up Dorothy at the apartment -and I asked her what she had said to Henry. So Dorothy said that she showed him the -square <span class="pageNum" id="pb207">[<a href="#pb207">207</a>]</span>cut emerald and told him that I bought it as a knick-knack to go with a green dress, -but I had got a spot on the dress, so I was going to give them both to Lulu. So she -said she showed him the pearls and she said that after I had bought them, I was sorry -I did not get pink ones because white ones were so common, so I was going to have -Lulu unstring them and sew them on a negligay. So then she told him she was rather -sorry I meant to buy the Russian Crown jewels because she had a feeling they were -unlucky, but that I had said to her, that if I found out they were, I could toss them -over my left shoulder into the Hudson river some night when there was a new moon, -and it would take away the curse. -</p> -<p>So then she said that Henry began to get restless. So then she told him she was very -glad I was going to get married at last because I had had such bad luck, that every -time I became engaged something seemed to happen to my fiance. So Henry asked her -what, for instance. So Dorothy said a couple were in the insane asylum, one had shot -himself for debt, and the county farm was taking care of the remainder. So Henry <span class="pageNum" id="pb208">[<a href="#pb208">208</a>]</span>asked her how they got that way. So Dorothy told him it was nothing but my <span class="sic" title="Correction: extravagance">extravagants</span>, and she told him that she was surprised that he had never heard about it, because -all I had to do was to take luncheon at the Ritz with some prominent broker and the -next day the bottom would drop out of the market. And she told him that she did not -want to insinuate anything, but that I had dined with a very, very prominent German -the day before German marks started to <span class="sic" title="Correction: collapse">colapse</span>. -</p> -<p>So I became almost frantic and I told Dorothy to hold Henry at the apartment until -I could get up there and explain. So I held the telephone while Dorothy went to see -if Henry would wait. So Dorothy came back in a minute and she said that the parlor -was empty, but that if I would hurry down to Broadway no doubt I would see a cloud -of dust heading towards the Pennsylvania station, and that would be Henry. -</p> -<p>So then I went back to Mr. Montrose, and I told him that I must catch Henry at the -Pennsylvania Station at any cost. And if anyone were to say that we left the Primrose -tea room in a hurry, they would be putting it <span class="pageNum" id="pb209">[<a href="#pb209">209</a>]</span>quite mildly. So we got to the Pennsylvania station and I just had time to get on -board the train to Philadelphia and I left Mr. Montrose standing at the train biting -his finger nails in all of his anxiety. But I called out to him to go to his Hotel -and I would telephone the result as soon as the train arrived. -</p> -<p>So then I went through the train, and there was Henry with a look on his face which -I shall never forget. So when he saw me he really seemed to shrink to ½ his natural -size. So I sat down beside him and I told him that I was really ashamed of how he -acted, and if his love for me could not stand a little test that I and Dorothy had -thought up, more in the spirit of fun than anything else, I never wanted to speak -to such a gentleman again. And I told him that if he could not tell the difference -between a real square cut emerald and one from the ten cent store, that he had ought -to be ashamed of himself. And I told him that if he thought that every string of white -beads were pearls, it was no wonder he could make such a mistake in judging the character -of a girl. So then I began to cry because of all of Henry’s lack <span class="pageNum" id="pb210">[<a href="#pb210">210</a>]</span>of faith. So then he tried to cheer me up but I was <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> hurt to even give him a decent word until we were past Newark. But by the time we -were past Newark, Henry was crying himself, and it always makes me feel so tender -hearted to listen to a gentleman cry that I finally forgave him. So, of course, as -soon as I got home I had to take them back to Cartiers. -</p> -<p>So then I explained to Henry how I wanted our life to mean something and I wanted -to make the World a better place than it seemed to have been yet. And I told him that -he knew so much about the film profession on account of <span class="sic" title="Correction: censuring">senshuring</span> all of the films that I thought he had ought to go into the film profession. Because -I told him that a gentleman like he really owed it to the world to make pure films -so that he could be an example to all of the other film corporations and show the -world what pure films were like. So Henry became very, very <span class="sic" title="Correction: intrigued">intreeged</span> because he had never thought of the film profession before. So then I told him that -we could get H. Gilbertson Montrose to write the <span class="sic" title="Correction: scenarios">senarios</span>, and he to <span class="sic" title="Correction: censor">senshure</span> them, and I could act in them and by the time we all got through, they would <span class="pageNum" id="pb211">[<a href="#pb211">211</a>]</span>be a work of art. But they would even be purer than most works of art seem to be. -So by the time we got to Philadelphia Henry said that he would do it, but he really -did not think I had ought to act in them. But I told him from what I had seen of society -women trying to break into the films, I did not believe that it would be so declasée -if one of them really landed. So I even talked him into that. -</p> -<p>So when we got to Henry’s country estate, we told all of Henry’s family and they were -all delighted. Because it is the first time since the war that Henry’s family have -had anything definite to put their minds on. I mean Henry’s sister really jumped at -the idea because she said she would take charge of the studio trucks and keep them -at a bed-rock figure. So I even promised Henry’s mother that she could act in the -films. I mean I even believe that we could put in a close-up of her from time to time, -because after all, nearly every photoplay has to have some comedy relief. And I promised -Henry’s father that we would wheel him through the studio and let him look at all -of the actresses and he <span class="pageNum" id="pb212">[<a href="#pb212">212</a>]</span>nearly had another relapse. So then I called up Mr. Montrose and made an appointment -with him to meet Henry and talk it all over, and Mr. Montrose, said, “Bless you, little -woman.” -</p> -<p>So I am almost beginning to believe it, when everybody says I am nothing but sunshine -because everybody I come into contract with always seems to become happy. I mean with -the exception of Mr. Eisman. Because when I got back to New York, I opened all of -his cablegrams and I realized that he was due to arrive on the <i>Aquitania</i> the very next day. So I met him at the <i>Aquitania</i> and I took him to luncheon at the Ritz and I told him all about everything. So then -he became very, very depressed because he said that just as soon as he had got me -all educated, I had to go off and get married. But I told him that he really ought -to be very proud of me, because in the future, when he would see me at luncheon at -the Ritz as the wife of the famous Henry H. Spoffard, I would always bow to him, if -I saw him, and he could point me out to all of his friends and tell them that it was -he, Gus Eisman himself, who educated me <span class="pageNum" id="pb213">[<a href="#pb213">213</a>]</span>up to my station. So that cheered Mr. Eisman up a lot and I really do not care what -he says to his friends, because, after all, his friends are not in my set, and whatever -he says to them will not get around in my circle. So after our luncheon was all over, -I really think that, even if Mr. Eisman was not so happy, he could not help having -a sort of a feeling of relief, especially when he thinks of all my shopping. -</p> -<p>So after that came my wedding and all of the Society people in New York and Philadelphia -came to my wedding and they were all so sweet to me, because practically every one -of them has written a <span class="sic" title="Correction: scenario">senario</span>. And everybody says my wedding was very, very beautiful. I mean even Dorothy said -it was very beautiful, only Dorothy said she had to concentrate her mind on the massacre -of the Armenians to keep herself from laughing right out loud in everybody’s face. -But that only shows that not even Matrimony is sacred to a girl like Dorothy. And -after the wedding was over, I overheard Dorothy talking to Mr. Montrose and she was -telling Mr. Montrose that she thought that I would be <span class="pageNum" id="pb214">[<a href="#pb214">214</a>]</span>great in the movies if he would write me a part that only had three expressions, Joy, -Sorrow, and Indigestion. So I do not really believe that Dorothy is such a true friend -after all. -</p> -<p>So Henry and I did not go on any honeymoon because I told Henry that it really would -be selfish for us to go off alone together, when all of our activities seemed to need -us so much. Because, after all, I have to spend quite a lot of time with Mr. Montrose -going over the senario together because, Mr. Montrose says I am full of nothing so -much as ideas. -</p> -<p>So, in order to give Henry something to do while Mr. Montrose and I are working on -the senario I got Henry to organize a Welfare League among all of the extra girls -and get them to tell him all of their problems so he can give them all of his spiritual -aid. And it has really been a very, very great success, because there is not much -work going on at the other studios at present so all of the extra girls have nothing -better to do and they all know that Henry will not give them a job at our studio unless -they belong. <span class="pageNum" id="pb215">[<a href="#pb215">215</a>]</span>So the worse they tell Henry they have been before they met him, the better he likes -it and Dorothy says that she was at the studio yesterday and she says that if the -senarios those extra girls have written around themselves to tell Henry could only -be screened and gotten past the sensors, the movies would move right up out of their -infancy. -</p> -<p>So Henry says that I have opened up a whole new world for him and he has never been -so happy in his life. And it really seems as if everyone I know has never been so -happy in their lives. Because I make Henry let his father come to the studio every -day because, after all, every studio has to have somebody who seems to be a pest, -and in our case it might just as well be Henry’s father. So I have given orders to -all of the electricians not to drop any lights on him, but to let him have a good -time because, after all, it is the first one he has had. And as far as Henry’s mother -is concerned, she is having her hair bobbed and her face lifted and getting ready -to play Carmen because she saw a girl called Madam Calve play it when she was on her -honeymoon and she has always <span class="pageNum" id="pb216">[<a href="#pb216">216</a>]</span>really felt that she could do it better. So I do not <span class="sic" title="Correction: discourage">discouradge</span> her, but I let her go ahead and enjoy herself. But I am not going to bother to speak -to the electricians about Henry’s mother. And Henry’s sister has never been so happy -since the Battle of Verdun, because she has six trucks and 15 horses to look after -and she says that the motion picture profession is the nearest thing to war that she -has struck since the Armistice. And even Dorothy is very happy because Dorothy says -that she has had more laughs this month than Eddie Cantor gets in a year. But when -it comes to Mr. Montrose, I really believe that he is happier than anybody else, because -of all of the understanding and sympathy he seems to get out of me. -</p> -<p>And so I am very happy myself because, after all, the greatest thing in life is to -always be making everybody else happy. And so, while everybody is so happy, I really -think it is a good time to finish my diary because after all, I am <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> busy going over my senarios with Mr. Montrose, to keep up any other kind of literary -work. And I am so busy bringing sunshine into the life of Henry <span class="pageNum" id="pb217">[<a href="#pb217">217</a>]</span>that I really think, with everything else I seem to acomplish, it is all a girl had -ought to try to do. And so I really think that I can say good-bye to my diary feeling -that, after all, everything always turns out for the best. -</p> -<p class="trailer xd31e1957">THE END</p> -</div> -</div> -</div> -<div class="back"> -<div class="div1 cover"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divBody"> -<p class="first"></p> -<div class="figure backwidth"><img src="images/back.jpg" alt="Original Back Cover." width="469" height="720"></div><p> -</p> -</div> -</div> -<div class="transcriberNote"> -<h2 class="main">Colophon</h2> -<h3 class="main">Availability</h3> -<p class="first">This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project -Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at <a class="seclink xd31e44" title="External link" href="https://www.gutenberg.org/" rel="home">www.gutenberg.org</a>. -</p> -<p>This eBook is produced by the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at <a class="seclink xd31e44" title="External link" href="https://www.pgdp.net/">www.pgdp.net</a>. -</p> -<h3 class="main">Metadata</h3> -<table class="colophonMetadata" summary="Metadata"> -<tr> -<td><b>Title:</b></td> -<td>“Gentlemen prefer blondes”: the illuminating diary of a professional lady</td> -<td></td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td><b>Author:</b></td> -<td>Anita Loos (1889–1981)</td> -<td><a href="https://viaf.org/viaf/56711909/" class="seclink">Info</a></td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td><b>Illustrator:</b></td> -<td>Ralph Barton (1891–1931)</td> -<td><a href="https://viaf.org/viaf/47084514/" class="seclink">Info</a></td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td><b>Language:</b></td> -<td>English</td> -<td></td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td><b>Original publication date:</b></td> -<td>1925</td> -<td></td> -</tr> -</table> -<h3 class="main">Encoding</h3> -<p class="first">The numerous spelling mistakes in this work are intentional, and have thus been retained. -Extra pages that duplicate the chapter headings have been omitted.</p> -<p>The reference in the copyright notice to <i>Harper’s Bazar</i> is correct. The name of that publication was changed to <i>Harper’s Bazaar</i> in 1930, after the publication of this book.</p> -<h3 class="main">Revision History</h3> -<ul> -<li>2021-11-25 Started. -</li> -</ul> -<h3 class="main">External References</h3> -<p>This Project Gutenberg eBook contains external references. These links may not work -for you.</p> -<h3 class="main">Corrections</h3> -<p>The following corrections have been applied to the text:</p> -<table class="correctionTable" summary="Overview of corrections applied to the text."> -<tr> -<th>Page</th> -<th>Source</th> -<th>Correction</th> -<th>Edit distance</th> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="width20"><a class="pageref" href="#xd31e1033">108</a></td> -<td class="width40 bottom">.</td> -<td class="width40 bottom">,</td> -<td class="bottom">1</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="width20"><a class="pageref" href="#xd31e1048">111</a></td> -<td class="width40 bottom"> -[<i>Not in source</i>] -</td> -<td class="width40 bottom">”</td> -<td class="bottom">1</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="width20"><a class="pageref" href="#xd31e1119">121</a></td> -<td class="width40 bottom">‘</td> -<td class="width40 bottom">“</td> -<td class="bottom">1</td> -</tr> -</table> -</div> -</div> -<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK "GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES" ***</div> -<div style='text-align:left'> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will -be renamed. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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