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-The Project Gutenberg eBook of "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes", by Anita Loos

-

-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and

-most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions

-whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms

-of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at

-www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you

-will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before

-using this eBook.

-

-Title: "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"

-       The Illuminating Diary of a Professional Lady

-

-Author: Anita Loos

-

-Release Date: November 27, 2021 [eBook #66829]

-

-Language: English

-

-Character set encoding: UTF-8

-

-Produced by: Jeroen Hellingman and the Online Distributed Proofreading

-             Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from

-             images generously made available by The Internet

-             Archive/American Libraries.)

-

-*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK "GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES" ***

-

-

-

-                       “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes”

-             The Illuminating Diary of a Professional Lady

-

-                                   By

-                               Anita Loos

-

-                       Intimately Illustrated by

-                              RALPH BARTON

-

-

-

-                                NEW YORK

-                            BONI & LIVERIGHT

-                                  1925

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-                                   To

-                              JOHN EMERSON

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-CONTENTS

-

-

-        CHAPTER                                 PAGE

-

-        I.      Gentlemen Prefer Blondes          11

-        II.     Fate Keeps on Happening           39

-        III.    London Is Really Nothing          63

-        IV.     Paris Is Devine                   93

-        V.      The Central of Europe            131

-        VI.     Brains Are Really Everything     175

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES

-

-

-CHAPTER ONE

-

-GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES

-

-

-March 16th:

-

-A gentleman friend and I were dining at the Ritz last evening and he

-said that if I took a pencil and a paper and put down all of my

-thoughts it would make a book. This almost made me smile as what it

-would really make would be a whole row of encyclopediacs. I mean I seem

-to be thinking practically all of the time. I mean it is my favorite

-recreation and sometimes I sit for hours and do not seem to do anything

-else but think. So this gentleman said a girl with brains ought to do

-something else with them besides think. And he said he ought to know

-brains when he sees them, because he is in the senate and he spends

-quite a great deal of time in Washington, d. c., and when he comes into

-contract with brains he always notices it. So it might have all blown

-over but this morning he sent me a book. And so when my maid brought it

-to me, I said to her, “Well, Lulu, here is another book and we have not

-read half the ones we have got yet.” But when I opened it and saw that

-it was all a blank I remembered what my gentleman acquaintance said,

-and so then I realized that it was a diary. So here I am writing a book

-instead of reading one.

-

-But now it is the 16th of March and of course it is to late to begin

-with January, but it does not matter as my gentleman friend, Mr.

-Eisman, was in town practically all of January and February, and when

-he is in town one day seems to be practically the same as the next day.

-

-I mean Mr. Eisman is in the wholesale button profession in Chicago and

-he is the gentleman who is known practically all over Chicago as Gus

-Eisman the Button King. And he is the gentleman who is interested in

-educating me, so of course he is always coming down to New York to see

-how my brains have improved since the last time. But when Mr. Eisman is

-in New York we always seem to do the same thing and if I wrote down one

-day in my diary, all I would have to do would be to put quotation marks

-for all other days. I mean we always seem to have dinner at the Colony

-and see a show and go to the Trocadero and then Mr. Eisman shows me to

-my apartment. So of course when a gentleman is interested in educating

-a girl, he likes to stay and talk about the topics of the day until

-quite late, so I am quite fatigued the next day and I do not really get

-up until it is time to dress for dinner at the Colony.

-

-It would be strange if I turn out to be an authoress. I mean at my home

-near Little Rock, Arkansas, my family all wanted me to do something

-about my music. Because all of my friends said I had talent and they

-all kept after me and kept after me about practising. But some way I

-never seemed to care so much about practising. I mean I simply could

-not sit for hours and hours at a time practising just for the sake of a

-career. So one day I got quite tempermental and threw the old mandolin

-clear across the room and I have really never touched it since. But

-writing is different because you do not have to learn or practise and

-it is more tempermental because practising seems to take all the

-temperment out of me. So now I really almost have to smile because I

-have just noticed that I have written clear across two pages onto March

-18th, so this will do for today and tomorrow. And it just shows how

-tempermental I am when I get started.

-

-

-

-March 19th:

-

-Well last evening Dorothy called up and Dorothy said she has met a

-gentleman who gave himself an introduction to her in the lobby of the

-Ritz. So then they went to luncheon and tea and dinner and then they

-went to a show and then they went to the Trocadero. So Dorothy said his

-name was Lord Cooksleigh but what she really calls him is Coocoo. So

-Dorothy said why don’t you and I and Coocoo go to the Follies tonight

-and bring Gus along if he is in town? So then Dorothy and I had quite a

-little quarrel because every time that Dorothy mentions the subject of

-Mr. Eisman she calls Mr. Eisman by his first name, and she does not

-seem to realize that when a gentleman who is as important as Mr.

-Eisman, spends quite a lot of money educating a girl, it really does

-not show reverance to call a gentleman by his first name. I mean I

-never even think of calling Mr. Eisman by his first name, but if I want

-to call him anything at all, I call him “Daddy” and I do not even call

-him “Daddy” if a place seems to be public. So I told Dorothy that Mr.

-Eisman would not be in town until day after tomorrow. So then Dorothy

-and Coocoo came up and we went to the Follies.

-

-So this morning Coocoo called up and he wanted me to luncheon at the

-Ritz. I mean these foreigners really have quite a nerve. Just because

-Coocoo is an Englishman and a Lord he thinks a girl can waste hours on

-him just for a luncheon at the Ritz, when all he does is talk about

-some exposition he went on to a place called Tibet and after talking

-for hours I found out that all they were was a lot of Chinamen. So I

-will be quite glad to see Mr. Eisman when he gets in. Because he always

-has something quite interesting to talk about, as for instants the last

-time he was here he presented me with quite a beautiful emerald

-bracelet. So next week is my birthday and he always has some delightful

-surprise on holidays.

-

-I did intend to luncheon at the Ritz with Dorothy today and of course

-Coocoo had to spoil it, as I told him that I could not luncheon with

-him today, because my brother was in town on business and had the

-mumps, so I really could not leave him alone. Because of course if I

-went to the Ritz now I would bump into Coocoo. But I sometimes almost

-have to smile at my own imagination, because of course I have not got

-any brother and I have not even thought of the mumps for years. I mean

-it is no wonder that I can write.

-

-So the reason I thought I would take luncheon at the Ritz was because

-Mr. Chaplin is at the Ritz and I always like to renew old

-acquaintances, because I met Mr. Chaplin once when we were both working

-on the same lot in Hollywood and I am sure he would remember me.

-Gentlemen always seem to remember blondes. I mean the only career I

-would like to be besides an authoress is a cinema star and I was doing

-quite well in the cinema when Mr. Eisman made me give it all up.

-Because of course when a gentleman takes such a friendly interest in

-educating a girl as Mr. Eisman does, you like to show that you

-appreciate it, and he is against a girl being in the cinema because his

-mother is authrodox.

-

-

-

-March 20th:

-

-Mr. Eisman gets in tomorrow to be here in time for my birthday. So I

-thought it would really be delightful to have at least one good time

-before Mr. Eisman got in, so last evening I had some literary gentlemen

-in to spend the evening because Mr. Eisman always likes me to have

-literary people in and out of the apartment. I mean he is quite anxious

-for a girl to improve her mind and his greatest interest in me is

-because I always seem to want to improve my mind and not waste any

-time. And Mr. Eisman likes me to have what the French people call a

-“salo” which means that people all get together in the evening and

-improve their minds. So I invited all of the brainy gentlemen I could

-think up. So I thought up a gentleman who is the proffessor of all of

-the economics up at Columbia College, and the editor who is the famous

-editor of the New York Transcript and another gentleman who is a famous

-playright who writes very, very famous plays that are all about Life. I

-mean anybody would recognize his name but it always seems to slip my

-memory because all of we real friends of his only call him Sam. So Sam

-asked if he could bring a gentleman who writes novels from England, so

-I said yes, so he brought him. And then we all got together and I

-called up Gloria and Dorothy and the gentleman brought their own

-liquor. So of course the place was a wreck this morning and Lulu and I

-worked like proverbial dogs to get it cleaned up, but Heaven knows how

-long it will take to get the chandelier fixed.

-

-

-

-March 22nd:

-

-Well my birthday has come and gone but it was really quite depressing.

-I mean it seems to me a gentleman who has a friendly interest in

-educating a girl like Gus Eisman, would want her to have the biggest

-square cut diamond in New York. I mean I must say I was quite

-disappointed when he came to the apartment with a little thing you

-could hardly see. So I told him I thought it was quite cute, but I had

-quite a headache and I had better stay in a dark room all day and I

-told him I would see him the next day, perhaps. Because even Lulu

-thought it was quite small and she said, if she was I, she really would

-do something definite and she said she always believed in the old

-addage, “Leave them while you’re looking good.” But he came in at

-dinner time with really a very very beautiful bracelet of square cut

-diamonds so I was quite cheered up. So then we had dinner at the Colony

-and we went to a show and supper at the Trocadero as usual whenever he

-is in town. But I will give him credit that he realized how small it

-was. I mean he kept talking about how bad business was and the button

-profession was full of bolshevicks who make nothing but trouble.

-Because Mr. Eisman feels that the country is really on the verge of the

-bolshevicks and I become quite worried. I mean if the bolshevicks do

-get in, there is only one gentleman who could handle them and that is

-Mr. D. W. Griffith. Because I will never forget when Mr. Griffith was

-directing Intolerance. I mean it was my last cinema just before Mr.

-Eisman made me give up my career and I was playing one of the girls

-that fainted at the battle when all of the gentlemen fell off the

-tower. And when I saw how Mr. Griffith handled all of those mobs in

-Intolerance I realized that he could do anything, and I really think

-that the government of America ought to tell Mr. Griffith to get all

-ready if the bolshevicks start to do it.

-

-Well I forgot to mention that the English gentleman who writes novels

-seems to have taken quite an interest in me, as soon as he found out

-that I was literary. I mean he has called up every day and I went to

-tea twice with him. So he has sent me a whole complete set of books for

-my birthday by a gentleman called Mr. Conrad. They all seem to be about

-ocean travel although I have not had time to more than glance through

-them. I have always liked novels about ocean travel ever since I posed

-for Mr. Christie for the front cover of a novel about ocean travel by

-McGrath because I always say that a girl never really looks as well as

-she does on board a steamship, or even a yacht.

-

-So the English gentleman’s name is Mr. Gerald Lamson as those who have

-read his novels would know. And he also sent me some of his own novels

-and they all seem to be about middle age English gentlemen who live in

-the country over in London and seem to ride bicycles, which seems quite

-different from America, except at Palm Beach. So I told Mr. Lamson how

-I write down all of my thoughts and he said he knew I had something to

-me from the first minute he saw me and when we become better acquainted

-I am going to let him read my diary. I mean I even told Mr. Eisman

-about him and he is quite pleased. Because of course Mr. Lamson is

-quite famous and it seems Mr. Eisman has read all of his novels going

-to and fro on the trains and Mr. Eisman is always anxious to meet

-famous people and take them to the Ritz to dinner on Saturday night.

-But of course I did not tell Mr. Eisman that I am really getting quite

-a little crush on Mr. Lamson, which I really believe I am, but Mr.

-Eisman thinks my interest in him is more literary.

-

-

-

-March 30th:

-

-At last Mr. Eisman has left on the 20th Century and I must say I am

-quite fatigued and a little rest will be quite welcome. I mean I do not

-mind staying out late every night if I dance, but Mr. Eisman is really

-not such a good dancer so most of the time we just sit and drink some

-champagne or have a bite to eat and of course I do not dance with

-anyone else when I am out with Mr. Eisman. But Mr. Eisman and Gerry, as

-Mr. Lamson wants me to call him, became quite good friends and we had

-several evenings, all three together. So now that Mr. Eisman is out of

-town at last, Gerry and I are going out together this evening and Gerry

-said not to dress up, because Gerry seems to like me more for my soul.

-So I really had to tell Gerry that if all the gentlemen were like he

-seems to be, Madame Frances’ whole dress making establishment would

-have to go out of business. But Gerry does not like a girl to be

-nothing else but a doll, but he likes her to bring in her husband’s

-slippers every evening and make him forget what he has gone through.

-

-But before Mr. Eisman went to Chicago he told me that he is going to

-Paris this summer on professional business and I think he intends to

-present me with a trip to Paris as he says there is nothing so

-educational as traveling. I mean it did worlds of good to Dorothy when

-she went abroad last spring and I never get tired of hearing her

-telling how the merry-go-rounds in Paris have pigs instead of horses.

-But I really do not know whether to be thrilled or not because, of

-course, if I go to Paris I will have to leave Gerry and both Gerry and

-I have made up our minds not to be separated from one another from now

-on.

-

-

-

-March 31st:

-

-Last night Gerry and I had dinner at quite a quaint place where we had

-roast beef and baked potato. I mean he always wants me to have food

-which is what he calls “nourishing” which most gentlemen never seem to

-think about. So then we took a hansom cab and drove for hours around

-the park because Gerry said the air would be good for me. It is really

-very sweet to have some one think of all those things that gentlemen

-hardly ever seem to think about. So then we talked quite a lot. I mean

-Gerry knows how to draw a girl out and I told him things that I really

-would not even put in my diary. So when he heard all about my life he

-became quite depressed and we both had tears in our eyes. Because he

-said he never dreamed a girl could go through so much as I, and come

-out so sweet and not made bitter by it all. I mean Gerry thinks that

-most gentlemen are brutes and hardly ever think about a girl’s soul.

-

-So it seems that Gerry has had quite a lot of trouble himself and he

-can not even get married on account of his wife. He and she have never

-been in love with each other but she was a suffragette and asked him to

-marry her, so what could he do? So we rode all around the park until

-quite late talking and philosophizing quite a lot and I finally told

-him that I thought, after all, that bird life was the highest form of

-civilization. So Gerry calls me his little thinker and I really would

-not be surprised if all of my thoughts will give him quite a few ideas

-for his novels. Because Gerry says he has never seen a girl of my

-personal appearance with so many brains. And he had almost given up

-looking for his ideal when our paths seemed to cross each other and I

-told him I really thought a thing like that was nearly always the

-result of fate.

-

-So Gerry says that I remind him quite a lot of Helen of Troy, who was

-of Greek extraction. But the only Greek I know is a Greek gentleman by

-the name of Mr. Georgopolis who is really quite wealthy and he is what

-Dorothy and I call a “Shopper” because you can always call him up at

-any hour and ask him to go shopping and he is always quite delighted,

-which very few gentlemen seem to be. And he never seems to care how

-much anything costs. I mean Mr. Georgopolis is also quite cultured, as

-I know quite a few gentlemen who can speak to a waiter in French but

-Mr. Georgopolis can also speak to a waiter in Greek which very few

-gentlemen seem to be able to do.

-

-

-

-April 1st:

-

-I am taking special pains with my diary from now on as I am really

-writing it for Gerry. I mean he and I are going to read it together

-some evening in front of the fireplace. But Gerry leaves this evening

-for Boston as he has to lecture about all of his works at Boston, but

-he will rush right back as soon as possible. So I am going to spend all

-of my time improving myself while he is gone. And this afternoon we are

-both going to a museum on 5th Avenue, because Gerry wants to show me a

-very very beautiful cup made by an antique jeweler called Mr. Cellini

-and he wants me to read Mr. Cellini’s life which is a very very fine

-book and not dull while he is in Boston.

-

-So the famous playright friend of mine who is called Sam called up this

-morning and he wanted me to go to a literary party tonight that he and

-some other literary gentlemen are giving to Florence Mills in Harlem

-but Gerry does not want me to go with Sam as Sam always insists on

-telling riskay stories. But personally I am quite broad minded and I

-always say that I do not mind a riskay story as long as it is really

-funny. I mean I have a great sense of humor. But Gerry says Sam does

-not always select and choose his stories and he just as soon I did not

-go out with him. So I am going to stay home and read the book by Mr.

-Cellini instead, because, after all, the only thing I am really

-interested in, is improving my mind. So I am going to do nothing else

-but improve my mind while Gerry is in Boston. I mean I just received a

-cable from Willie Gwynn who arrives from Europe tomorrow, but I am not

-even going to bother to see him. He is a sweet boy but he never gets

-anywhere and I am not going to waste my time on such as him, after

-meeting a gentleman like Gerry.

-

-

-

-April 2nd:

-

-I seem to be quite depressed this morning as I always am when there is

-nothing to put my mind to. Because I decided not to read the book by

-Mr. Cellini. I mean it was quite amuseing in spots because it was

-really quite riskay but the spots were not so close together and I

-never seem to like to always be hunting clear through a book for the

-spots I am looking for, especially when there are really not so many

-spots that seem to be so amuseing after all. So I did not waste my time

-on it but this morning I told Lulu to let all of the house work go and

-spend the day reading a book entitled “Lord Jim” and then tell me all

-about it, so that I would improve my mind while Gerry is away. But when

-I got her the book I nearly made a mistake and gave her a book by the

-title of “The Nigger of the Narcissus” which really would have hurt her

-feelings. I mean I do not know why authors cannot say “Negro” instead

-of “Nigger” as they have their feelings just the same as we have.

-

-Well I just got a telegram from Gerry that he will not be back until

-tomorrow and also some orchids from Willie Gwynn, so I may as well go

-to the theatre with Willie tonight to keep from getting depressed, as

-he really is a sweet boy after all. I mean he never really does

-anything obnoxious. And it is quite depressing to stay at home and do

-nothing but read, unless you really have a book that is worth bothering

-about.

-

-

-

-April 3rd:

-

-I was really so depressed this morning that I was even glad to get a

-letter from Mr. Eisman. Because last night Willie Gwynn came to take me

-to the Follies, but he was so intoxicated that I had to telephone his

-club to send around a taxi to take him home. So that left me alone with

-Lulu at nine o’clock with nothing to do, so I put in a telephone call

-for Boston to talk to Gerry but it never went through. So Lulu tried to

-teach me how to play mah jong, but I really could not keep my mind on

-it because I was so depressed. So today I think I had better go over to

-Madame Frances and order some new evening gowns to cheer me up.

-

-Well Lulu just brought me a telegram from Gerry that he will be in this

-afternoon, but I must not meet him at the station on account of all of

-the reporters who always meet him at the station wherever he comes

-from. But he says he will come right up to see me as he has something

-to talk about.

-

-

-

-April 4th:

-

-What an evening we had last evening. I mean it seems that Gerry is

-madly in love with me. Because all of the time he was in Boston

-lecturing to the womens clubs he said, as he looked over the faces of

-all those club women in Boston, he never realized I was so beautiful.

-And he said that there was only one in all the world and that was me.

-But it seems that Gerry thinks that Mr. Eisman is terrible and that no

-good can come of our friendship. I mean I was quite surprised, as they

-both seemed to get along quite well together, but it seems that Gerry

-never wants me to see Mr. Eisman again. And he wants me to give up

-everything and study French and he will get a divorce and we will be

-married. Because Gerry does not seem to like the kind of life all of us

-lead in New York and he wants me to go home to papa in Arkansas and he

-will send me books to read so that I will not get lonesome there. And

-he gave me his uncle’s Masonic ring, which came down from the time of

-Soloman and which he never even lets his wife wear, for our engagement

-ring, and this afternoon a lady friend of his is going to bring me a

-new system she thought up of how to learn French. But some way I still

-seem to be depressed. I mean I could not sleep all night thinking of

-the terrible things Gerry said about New York and about Mr. Eisman. Of

-course I can understand Gerry being jealous of any gentleman friend of

-mine and of course I never really thought that Mr. Eisman was Rudolph

-Valentino, but Gerry said it made him cringe to think of a sweet girl

-like I having a friendship with Mr. Eisman. So it really made me feel

-quite depressed. I mean Gerry likes to talk quite a lot and I always

-think a lot of talk is depressing and worries your brains with things

-you never even think of when you are busy. But so long as Gerry does

-not mind me going out with other gentlemen when they have something to

-give you mentally, I am going to luncheon with Eddie Goldmark of the

-Goldmark Films who is always wanting me to sign a contract to go into

-the cinema. Because Mr. Goldmark is madly in love with Dorothy and

-Dorothy is always wanting me to go back in the cinema because Dorothy

-says that she will go if I will go.

-

-

-

-April 6th:

-

-Well I finally wrote Mr. Eisman that I was going to get married and it

-seems that he is coming on at once as he would probably like to give me

-his advice. Getting married is really quite serious and Gerry talks to

-me for hours and hours about it. I mean he never seems to get tired of

-talking and he does not seem to even want to go to shows or dance or do

-anything else but talk, and if I don’t really have something definite

-to put my mind on soon I will scream.

-

-

-

-April 7th:

-

-Well Mr. Eisman arrived this morning and he and I had quite a long

-talk, and after all I think he is right. Because here is the first real

-opportunity I have ever really had. I mean to go to Paris and broaden

-out and improve my writing, and why should I give it up to marry an

-author, where he is the whole thing and all I would be would be the

-wife of Gerald Lamson? And on top of that I would have to be dragged

-into the scandal of a divorce court and get my name smirched. So Mr.

-Eisman said that opportunities come to seldom in a girls life for me to

-give up the first one I have really ever had. So I am sailing for

-France and London on Tuesday and taking Dorothy with me and Mr. Eisman

-says that he will see us there later. So Dorothy knows all of the ropes

-and she can get along in Paris just as though she knew French and

-besides she knows a French gentleman who was born and raised there, who

-speaks it like a native and knows Paris like a book. And Dorothy says

-that when we get to London nearly everybody speaks English anyway. So

-it is quite lucky that Mr. Lamson is out lecturing in Cincinnati and he

-will not be back until Wednesday and I can send him a letter and tell

-him that I have to go to Europe now but I will see him later perhaps.

-So anyway I will be spared listening to any more of his depressing

-conversation. So Mr. Eisman gave me quite a nice string of pearls and

-he gave Dorothy a diamond pin and we all went to the Colony for dinner

-and we all went to a show and supper at the Trocadero and we all spent

-quite a pleasant evening.

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-CHAPTER TWO

-

-FATE KEEPS ON HAPPENING

-

-

-April 11th:

-

-Well Dorothy and I are really on the ship sailing to Europe as anyone

-could tell by looking at the ocean. I always love the ocean. I mean I

-always love a ship and I really love the Majestic because you would not

-know it was a ship because it is just like being at the Ritz, and the

-steward says the ocean is not so obnoxious this month as it generally

-is. So Mr. Eisman is going to meet us next month in Paris because he

-has to be there on business. I mean he always says that there is really

-no place to see the latest styles in buttons like Paris.

-

-So Dorothy is out taking a walk up and down the deck with a gentleman

-she met on the steps, but I am not going to waste my time going around

-with gentlemen because if I did nothing but go around I would not

-finish my diary or read good books which I am always reading to improve

-my mind. But Dorothy really does not care about her mind and I always

-scold her because she does nothing but waste her time by going around

-with gentlemen who do not have anything, when Eddie Goldmark of the

-Goldmark Films is really quite wealthy and can make a girl delightful

-presents. But she does nothing but waste her time and yesterday, which

-was really the day before we sailed, she would not go to luncheon with

-Mr. Goldmark but she went to luncheon to meet a gentleman called Mr.

-Mencken from Baltimore who really only prints a green magazine which

-has not even got any pictures in it. But Mr. Eisman is always saying

-that every girl does not want to get ahead and get educated like me.

-

-So Mr. Eisman and Lulu come down to the boat to see me off and Lulu

-cried quite a lot. I mean I really believe she could not care any more

-for me if she was light and not colored. Lulu has had a very sad life

-because when she was quite young a pullman porter fell madly in love

-with her. So she believed him and he lured her away from her home to

-Ashtabula and deceived her there. So she finally found out that she had

-been deceived and she really was broken hearted and when she tried to

-go back home she found out that it was to late because her best girl

-friend, who she had always trusted, had stolen her husband and he would

-not take Lulu back. So I have always said to her she could always work

-for me and she is going to take care of the apartment until I get back,

-because I would not sublet the apartment because Dorothy sublet her

-apartment when she went to Europe last year and the gentleman who

-sublet the apartment allowed girls to pay calls on him who were not

-nice.

-

-Mr. Eisman has litereally filled our room with flowers and the steward

-has had quite a hard time to find enough vases to put them into. I mean

-the steward said he knew as soon as he saw Dorothy and I that he would

-have quite a heavy run on vases. And of course Mr. Eisman has sent me

-quite a lot of good books as he always does, because he always knows

-that good books are always welcome. So he has sent me quite a large

-book of Etiquette as he says there is quite a lot of Etiquette in

-England and London and it would be a good thing for a girl to learn. So

-I am going to take it on the deck after luncheon and read it, because I

-would often like to know what a girl ought to do when a gentleman she

-has just met, says something to her in a taxi. Of course I always

-become quite vexed but I always believe in giving a gentleman another

-chance.

-

-So now the steward tells me it is luncheon time, so I will go upstairs

-as the gentleman Dorothy met on the steps has invited us to luncheon in

-the Ritz, which is a special dining room on the ship where you can

-spend quite a lot of money because they really give away the food in

-the other dining room.

-

-

-

-April 12th:

-

-I am going to stay in bed this morning as I am quite upset as I saw a

-gentleman who quite upset me. I am not really sure it was the

-gentleman, as I saw him at quite a distants in the bar, but if it

-really is the gentleman it shows that when a girl has a lot of fate in

-her life it is sure to keep on happening. So when I thought I saw this

-gentleman I was with Dorothy and Major Falcon, who is the gentleman

-Dorothy met on the steps, and Major Falcon noticed that I became upset,

-so he wanted me to tell him what was the matter, but it is really so

-terrible that I would not want to tell anyone. So I said good night to

-Major Falcon and I left him with Dorothy and I went down to our room

-and did nothing but cry and send the steward for some champagne to

-cheer me up. I mean champagne always makes me feel philosophical

-because it makes me realize that when a girl’s life is as full of fate

-as mine seems to be, there is nothing else to do about it. So this

-morning the steward brought me my coffee and quite a large pitcher of

-ice water so I will stay in bed and not have any more champagne until

-luncheon time.

-

-Dorothy never has any fate in her life and she does nothing but waste

-her time and I really wonder if I did right to bring her with me and

-not Lulu. I mean she really gives gentlemen a bad impression as she

-talks quite a lot of slang. Because when I went up yesterday to meet

-she and Major Falcon for luncheon, I overheard her say to Major Falcon

-that she really liked to become intoxicated once in a “dirty” while.

-Only she did not say intoxicated, but she really said a slang word that

-means intoxicated and I am always having to tell her that “dirty” is a

-slang word and she really should not say “dirty.”

-

-Major Falcon is really quite a delightful gentleman for an Englishman.

-I mean he really spends quite a lot of money and we had quite a

-delightful luncheon and dinner in the Ritz until I thought I saw the

-gentleman who upset me and I am so upset I think I will get dressed and

-go up on the deck and see if it really is the one I think it is. I mean

-there is nothing else for me to do as I have finished writing in my

-diary for today and I have decided not to read the book of Ettiquette

-as I glanced through it and it does not seem to have anything in it

-that I would care to know because it wastes quite a lot of time telling

-you what to call a Lord and all the Lords I have met have told me what

-to call them and it is generally some quite cute name like Coocoo whose

-real name is really Lord Cooksleigh. So I will not waste my time on

-such a book. But I wish I did not feel so upset about the gentleman I

-think I saw.

-

-

-

-April 13th:

-

-It really is the gentleman I thought I saw. I mean when I found out it

-was the gentleman my heart really stopped. Because it all brought back

-things that anybody does not like to remember, no matter who they are.

-So yesterday when I went up on the deck to see if I could see the

-gentleman and see if it really was him, I met quite a delightful

-gentleman who I met once at a party called Mr. Ginzberg. Only his name

-is not Mr. Ginzberg any more because a gentleman in London called Mr.

-Battenburg, who is some relation to some king, changed his name to Mr.

-Mountbatten which Mr. Ginzberg says really means the same thing after

-all. So Mr. Ginsberg changed his name to Mr. Mountginz which he really

-thinks is more aristocratic. So we walked around the deck and we met

-the gentleman face to face and I really saw it was him and he really

-saw it was me. I mean his face became so red it was almost a picture.

-So I was so upset I said good-bye to Mr. Mountginz and I started to

-rush right down to my room and cry. But when I was going down the

-steps, I bumped right into Major Falcon who noticed that I was upset.

-So Major Falcon made me go to the Ritz and have some champagne and tell

-him all about it.

-

-So then I told Major Falcon about the time in Arkansas when Papa sent

-me to Little Rock to study how to become a stenographer. I mean Papa

-and I had quite a little quarrel because Papa did not like a gentleman

-who used to pay calls on me in the park and Papa thought it would do me

-good to get away for awhile. So I was in the business colledge in

-Little Rock for about a week when a gentleman called Mr. Jennings paid

-a call on the business colledge because he wanted to have a new

-stenographer. So he looked over all we colledge girls and he picked me

-out. So he told our teacher that he would help me finish my course in

-his office because he was only a lawyer and I really did not have to

-know so much. So Mr. Jennings helped me quite a lot and I stayed in his

-office about a year when I found out that he was not the kind of a

-gentleman that a young girl is safe with. I mean one evening when I

-went to pay a call on him at his apartment, I found a girl there who

-really was famous all over Little Rock for not being nice. So when I

-found out that girls like that paid calls on Mr. Jennings I had quite a

-bad case of histerics and my mind was really a blank and when I came

-out of it, it seems that I had a revolver in my hand and it seems that

-the revolver had shot Mr. Jennings.

-

-So this gentleman on the boat was really the District Attorney who was

-at the trial and he really was quite harsh at the trial and he called

-me names that I would not even put in my diary. Because everyone at the

-trial except the District Attorney was really lovely to me and all the

-gentlemen in the jury all cried when my lawyer pointed at me and told

-them that they practically all had had either a mother or a sister. So

-the jury was only out three minutes and then they came back and

-acquitted me and they were all so lovely that I really had to kiss all

-of them and when I kissed the judge he had tears in his eyes and he

-took me right home to his sister. I mean it was when Mr. Jennings

-became shot that I got the idea to go into the cinema, so Judge Hibbard

-got me a ticket to Hollywood. So it was Judge Hibbard who really gave

-me my name because he did not like the name I had because he said a

-girl ought to have a name that ought to express her personality. So he

-said my name ought to be Lorelei which is the name of a girl who became

-famous for sitting on a rock in Germany, So I was in Hollywood in the

-cinema when I met Mr. Eisman and he said that a girl with my brains

-ought not to be in the cinema but she ought to be educated, so he took

-me out of the cinema so he could educate me.

-

-So Major Falcon was really quite interested in everything I talked

-about, because he said it was quite a co-instance because this District

-Attorney, who is called Mr. Bartlett, is now working for the government

-of America and he is on his way to a place called Vienna on some

-business for Uncle Sam that is quite a great secret and Mr. Falcon

-would like very much to know what the secret is, because the Government

-in London sent him to America especially to find out what it was. Only

-of course Mr. Bartlett does not know who Major Falcon is, because it is

-such a great secret, but Major Falcon can tell me, because he knows who

-he can trust. So Major Falcon says he thinks a girl like I ought to

-forgive and forget what Mr. Bartlett called me and he wants to bring us

-together and he says he thinks Mr. Bartlett would talk to me quite a

-lot when he really gets to know me and I forgive him for that time in

-Little Rock. Because it would be quite romantic for Mr. Bartlett and I

-to become friendly, and gentlemen who work for Uncle Sam generally like

-to become romantic with girls. So he is going to bring us together on

-the deck after dinner tonight and I am going to forgive him and talk

-with him quite a lot, because why should a girl hold a grudge against a

-gentleman who had to do it. So Major Falcon brought me quite a large

-bottle of perfume and a quite cute imitation of quite a large size dog

-in the little shop which is on board the boat. I mean Major Falcon

-really knows how to cheer a girl up quite a lot and so tonight I am

-going to make it all up with Mr. Bartlett.

-

-

-

-April 14th:

-

-Well Mr. Bartlett and I made it all up last night and we are going to

-be the best of friends and talk quite a lot. So when I went down to my

-room quite late Major Falcon came down to see if I and Mr. Bartlett

-were really going to be friends because he said a girl with brains like

-I ought to have lots to talk about with a gentleman with brains like

-Mr. Bartlett who knows all of Uncle Sam’s secrets.

-

-So I told Major Falcon how Mr. Bartlett thinks that he and I seem to be

-like a play, because all the time he was calling me all those names in

-Little Rock he really thought I was. So when he found out that I turned

-out not to be, he said he always thought that I only used my brains

-against gentlemen and really had quite a cold heart. But now he thinks

-I ought to write a play about how he called me all those names in

-Little Rock and then, after seven years, we became friendly.

-

-So I told Major Falcon that I told Mr. Bartlett I would like to write

-the play but I really did not have time as it takes quite a lot of time

-to write my diary and read good books. So Mr. Bartlett did not know

-that I read books which is quite a co-instance because he reads them

-to. So he is going to bring me a book of philosophy this afternoon

-called “Smile, Smile, Smile” which all the brainy senators in

-Washington are reading which cheers you up quite a lot.

-

-So I told Major Falcon that having a friendship with Mr. Barlett was

-really quite enervating because Mr. Bartlett does not drink anything

-and the less anybody says about his dancing the better. But he did ask

-me to dine at his table, which is not in the Ritz and I told him I

-could not, but Major Falcon told me I ought to, but I told Major Falcon

-that there was a limit to almost everything. So I am going to stay in

-my room until luncheon and I am going to luncheon in the Ritz with Mr.

-Mountginz who really knows how to treat a girl.

-

-Dorothy is up on the deck wasting quite a lot of time with a gentleman

-who is only a tennis champion. So I am going to ring for the steward

-and have some champagne which is quite good for a person on a boat. The

-steward is really quite a nice boy and he has had quite a sad life and

-he likes to tell me all about himself. I mean it seems that he was

-arrested in Flatbush because he promised a gentleman that he would

-bring him some very very good scotch and they mistook him for a

-bootlegger. So it seems they put him in a prison and they put him in a

-cell with two other gentlemen who were very, very famous burglars. I

-mean they really had their pictures in all the newspapers and everybody

-was talking about them. So my steward, whose real name is Fred, was

-very very proud to be in the same cell with such famous burglars. So

-when they asked him what he was in for, he did not like to tell them

-that he was only a bootlegger, so he told them that he set fire to a

-house and burned up quite a large family in Oklahoma. So everything

-would have gone alright except that the police had put a dictaphone in

-the cell and used it all against him and he could not get out until

-they had investigated all the fires in Oklahoma. So I always think that

-it is much more educational to talk to a boy like Fred who has been

-through a lot and really suffered than it is to talk to a gentleman

-like Mr. Bartlett. But I will have to talk to Mr. Bartlett all

-afternoon as Major Falcon has made an appointment for me to spend the

-whole afternoon with him.

-

-

-

-April 15th:

-

-Last night there was quite a maskerade ball on the ship which was

-really all for the sake of charity because most of the sailors seem to

-have orphans which they get from going on the ocean when the sea is

-very rough. So they took up quite a collection and Mr. Bartlett made

-quite a long speech in favor of orphans especially when their parents

-are sailors. Mr. Bartlett really likes to make speeches quite a lot. I

-mean he even likes to make speeches when he is all alone with a girl

-when they are walking up and down a deck. But the maskerade ball was

-quite cute and one gentleman really looked almost like an imitation of

-Mr. Chaplin. So Dorothy and I really did not want to go to the ball but

-Mr. Bartlett bought us two scarfs at the little store which is on the

-ship so we tied them around our hips and everyone said we made quite a

-cute Carmen. So Mr. Bartlett and Major Falcon and the tennis champion

-were the Judges. So Dorothy and I won the prizes. I mean I really hope

-I do not get any more large size imitations of a dog as I have three

-now and I do not see why the Captain does not ask Mr. Cartier to have a

-jewelry store on the ship as it is really not much fun to go shopping

-on a ship with gentlemen, and buy nothing but imitations of dogs.

-

-So after we won the prizes I had an engagement to go up on the top of

-the deck with Mr. Bartlett as it seems he likes to look at the

-moonlight quite a lot. So I told him to go up and wait for me and I

-would be up later as I promised a dance to Mr. Mountginz. So he asked

-me how long I would be dancing till, but I told him to wait up there

-and he would find out. So Mr. Mountginz and I had quite a delightful

-dance and champagne until Major Falcon found us. Because he was looking

-for me and he said I really should not keep Mr. Bartlett waiting. So I

-went up on the deck and Mr. Bartlett was up there waiting for me and it

-seems that he really is madly in love with me because he did not sleep

-a wink since we became friendly. Because he never thought that I really

-had brains but now that he knows it, it seems that he has been looking

-for a girl like me for years, and he said that really the place for me

-when he got back home was Washington d. c. where he lives. So I told

-him I thought a thing like that was nearly always the result of fate.

-So he wanted me to get off the ship tomorrow at France and take the

-same trip that he is taking to Vienna as it seems that Vienna is in

-France and if you go on to England you go to far. But I told him that I

-could not because I thought that if he was really madly in love with me

-he would take a trip to London instead. But he told me that he had

-serious business in Vienna that was a very, very great secret. But I

-told him I did not believe it was business but that it really was some

-girl, because what business could be so important? So he said it was

-business for the United States government at Washington and he could

-not tell anybody what it was. So then we looked at the moonlight quite

-a lot. So I told him I would go to Vienna if I really knew it was

-business and not some girl, because I could not see how business could

-be so important. So then he told me all about it. So it seems that

-Uncle Sam wants some new aeroplanes that everybody else seems to want,

-especially England, and Uncle Sam has quite a clever way to get them

-which is to long to put in my diary. So we sat up and saw the sun rise

-and I became quite stiff and told him I would have to go down to my

-room because, after all, the ship lands at France today and I said if I

-got off the boat at France to go to Vienna with him I would have to

-pack up.

-

-So I went down to my room and went to bed. So then Dorothy came in and

-she was up on the deck with the tennis champion but she did not notice

-the sun rise as she really does not love nature but always wastes her

-time and ruins her clothes even though I always tell her not to drink

-champagne out of a bottle on the deck of the ship as it lurches quite a

-lot. So I am going to have luncheon in my room and I will send a note

-to Mr. Bartlett to tell him I will not be able to get off the boat at

-France to go to Vienna with him as I have quite a headache, but I will

-see him sometime somewhere else. So Major Falcon is going to come down

-at 12 and I have got to thinking over what Mr. Bartlett called me at

-Little Rock and I am quite upset. I mean a gentleman never pays for

-those things but a girl always pays. So I think I will tell Major

-Falcon all about the airoplane business as he really wants to know.

-And, after all I do not think Mr. Bartlett is a gentleman to call me

-all those names in Little Rock even if it was seven years ago. I mean

-Major Falcon is always a gentleman and he really wants to do quite a

-lot for us in London. Because he knows the Prince of Wales and he

-thinks that Dorothy and I would like the Prince of Wales once we had

-really got to meet him. So I am going to stay in my room until Mr.

-Bartlett gets off the ship at France, because I really do not seem to

-care if I never see Mr. Bartlett again.

-

-So tomorrow we will be at England bright and early. And I really feel

-quite thrilled because Mr. Eisman sent me a cable this morning, as he

-does every morning, and he says to take advantage of everybody we meet

-as traveling is the highest form of education. I mean Mr. Eisman is

-always right and Major Falcon knows all the sights in London including

-the Prince of Wales so it really looks like Dorothy and I would have

-quite a delightful time in London.

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-CHAPTER THREE

-

-LONDON IS REALLY NOTHING

-

-

-April 17th:

-

-Well, Dorothy and I are really at London. I mean we got to London on

-the train yesterday as the boat does not come clear up to London but it

-stops on the beach and you have to take a train. I mean everything is

-much better in New York, because the boat comes right up to New York

-and I am really beginning to think that London is not so educational

-after all. But I did not tell Mr. Eisman when I cabled him last night

-because Mr. Eisman really sent me to London to get educated and I would

-hate to tell him that London is a failure because we know more in New

-York.

-

-So Dorothy and I came to the Ritz and it is delightfully full of

-Americans. I mean you would really think it was New York because I

-always think that the most delightful thing about traveling is to

-always be running into Americans and to always feel at home.

-

-So yesterday Dorothy and I went down to luncheon at the Ritz and we saw

-a quite cute little blond girl at the next table and I nudged Dorothy

-under the table, because I do not think it is nice to nudge a person on

-top of the table as I am trying to teach good manners to Dorothy. So I

-said “That is quite a cute little girl so she must be an American

-girl.” And sure enough she called the head-waiter with quite an

-American accent and she was quite angry and she said to him, I have

-been coming to this hotel for 35 years and this is the first time I

-have been kept waiting. So I recognized her voice because it was really

-Fanny Ward. So we asked her to come over to our table and we were all

-three delighted to see each other. Because I and Fanny have known each

-other for about five years but I really feel as if I knew her better

-because mama knew her 45 years ago when she and mama used to go to

-school together and mama used to always follow all her weddings in all

-the newspapers. So now Fanny lives in London and is famous for being

-one of the cutest girls in London. I mean Fanny is almost historical,

-because when a girl is cute for 50 years it really begins to get

-historical.

-

-So if mama did not die of hardening of the arterys she and Fanny and I

-could have quite a delightful time in London as Fanny loves to shop. So

-we went shopping for hats and instead of going to the regular shop we

-went to the childrens department and Fanny and I bought some quite cute

-hats as childrens hats only cost half as much and Fanny does it all the

-time. I mean Fanny really loves hats and she buys some in the

-children’s department every week, so she really saves quite a lot of

-money.

-

-So we came back to the Ritz to meet Major Falcon because Major Falcon

-invited us to go to tea with him at a girls house called Lady Shelton.

-So Major Falcon invited Fanny to go with us to, but she was sorry

-because she had to go to her music lesson.

-

-So at Lady Sheltons house we met quite a few people who seemed to be

-English. I mean some of the girls in London seem to be Ladies which

-seems to be the opposite of a Lord. And some who are not Ladies are

-honorable. But quite a few are not Ladies or honorable either, but are

-just like us, so all you have to call them is “Miss.” So Lady Shelton

-was really delighted to have we Americans come to her house. I mean she

-took Dorothy and I into the back parlor and tried to sell us some shell

-flowers she seems to make out of sea shells for 25 pounds. So we asked

-her how much it was in money and it seems it is 125 dollars. I mean I

-am really going to have a quite hard time in London with Dorothy

-because she really should not say to an English lady what she said. I

-mean she should not say to an English lady that in America we use

-shells the same way only we put a dry pea under one of them and we call

-it a game. But I told Lady Shelton we really did not need any shell

-flowers. So Lady Shelton said she knew we Americans loved dogs so she

-would love us to meet her mother.

-

-So then she took Dorothy and Major Falcon and I to her mother’s house

-which was just around the corner from her house. Because her mother

-seems to be called a Countess and raise dogs. So her mother was having

-a party too, and she seemed to have quite red hair and quite a lot of

-paint for such an elderly lady. So the first thing she asked us was she

-asked us if we bought some shell flowers from her daughter. So we told

-her no. But she did not seem to act like a Countess of her elderly age

-should act. Because she said, “You were right my dears—don’t let my

-daughter stick you—they fall apart in less than a week.” So then she

-asked us if we would like to buy a dog. I mean I could not stop Dorothy

-but she said “How long before the dogs fall apart?” But I do not think

-the Countess acted like a Countess ought to act because she laughed

-very, very loud and she said that Dorothy was really priceless and she

-grabbed Dorothy and kissed her and held her arm around her all the

-time. I mean I really think that a Countess should not encouradge

-Dorothy or else she is just as unrefined as Dorothy seems to be. But I

-told the Countess that we did not need any dog.

-

-So then I met quite a delightful English lady who had a very, very

-beautiful diamond tiara in her hand bag because she said that she

-thought some Americans would be at the party and it was really a very,

-very great bargain. I mean I think a diamond tiara is delightful

-because it is a place where I really never thought of wearing diamonds

-before, and I thought I had almost one of everything until I saw a

-diamond tiara. The English lady who is called Mrs. Weeks said it was in

-her family for years but the good thing about diamonds is they always

-look new. So I was really very intreeged and I asked her how much it

-cost in money and it seems it was $7,500.

-

-So then I looked around the room and I noticed a gentleman who seemed

-to be quite well groomed. So I asked Major Falcon who he was and he

-said he was called Sir Francis Beekman and it seems he is very, very

-wealthy. So then I asked Major Falcon to give us an introduction to one

-another and we met one another and I asked Sir Francis Beekman if he

-would hold my hat while I could try on the diamond tiara because I

-could wear it backwards with a ribbon, on account of my hair being

-hobbed, and I told Sir Francis Beekman that I really thought it looked

-quite cute. So he thought it did to, but he seemed to have another

-engagement. So the Countess came up to me and she is really very

-unrefined because she said to me “Do not waste your time on him”

-because she said that whenever Sir Francis Beekman spent a haypenny the

-statue of a gentleman called Mr. Nelson took off his hat and bowed. I

-mean some people are so unrefined they seem to have unrefined thoughts

-about everything.

-

-So I really have my heart set on the diamond tiara and I became quite

-worried because Mrs. Weeks said she was going to a delightful party

-last night that would be full of delightful Americans and it would be

-snaped up. So I was so worried that I gave her 100 dollars and she is

-going to hold the diamond tiara for me. Because what is the use of

-traveling if you do not take advantadge of oportunities and it really

-is quite unusual to get a bargain from an English lady. So last night I

-cabled Mr. Eisman and I told Mr. Eisman that he does not seem to how

-know much it costs to get educated by traveling and I said I really

-would have to have $10,000 and I said I hoped I would not have to

-borrow the money from some strange English gentleman, even if he might

-be very very good looking. So I really could not sleep all night

-because of all of my worrying because if I do not get the money to buy

-the diamond tiara it may be a quite hard thing to get back $100 from an

-English lady.

-

-So now I must really get dressed as Major Falcon is going to take

-Dorothy and I to look at all the sights in London. But I really think

-if I do not get the diamond tiara my whole trip to London will be quite

-a failure.

-

-

-

-April 18th:

-

-Yesterday was quite a day and night. I mean Major Falcon came to take

-Dorothy and I to see all the sights in London. So I thought it would be

-delightful if we had another gentleman and I made Major Falcon call up

-Sir Francis Beekman. I mean I had a cable from Mr. Eisman which told me

-he could not send me 10,000 dollars but he would send me 1000 dollars

-which really would not be a drop in the bucket for the diamond tiara.

-So Sir Francis Beekman said that he could not come but I teased him and

-teased him over the telephone so he finally said he would come.

-

-So Major Falcon drives his own car so Dorothy sat with him and I sat

-with Sir Francis Beekman but I told him that I was not going to call

-him Sir Francis Beekman but I was really going to call him Piggie.

-

-In London they make a very, very great fuss over nothing at all. I mean

-London is really nothing at all. For instants, they make a great fuss

-over a tower that really is not even as tall as the Hickox building in

-Little Rock Arkansas and it would only make a chimney on one of our

-towers in New York. So Sir Francis Beekman wanted us to get out and

-look at the tower because he said that quite a famous Queen had her

-head cut off there one morning and Dorothy said “What a fool she was to

-get up that morning” and that is really the only sensible thing that

-Dorothy has said in London. So we did not bother to get out.

-

-So we did not go to any more sights because they really have delicious

-champagne cocktails at a very very smart new restaurant called the Cafe

-de Paris that you could not get in New York for neither love or money

-and I told Piggie that when you are travelling you really ought to take

-advantadges of what you can not do at home.

-

-So while Dorothy and I were in the Cafe de Paris powdering our nose in

-the lady’s dressing room we met an American girl who Dorothy knew in

-the Follies, but now she is living in London. So she told us all about

-London. So it seems the gentlemen in London have quite a quaint custom

-of not giving a girl many presents. I mean the English girls really

-seem to be satisfied with a gold cigaret holder or else what they call

-a ‘bangle’ which means a bracelet in English which is only gold and

-does not have any stones in it which American girls would really give

-to their maid. So she said you could tell what English gentlemen were

-like when you realize that not even English ladys could get anything

-out of them. So she said Sir Francis Beekman was really famous all over

-London for not spending so much money as most English gentlemen. So

-then Dorothy and I said goodbye to Dorothy’s girl friend and Dorothy

-said, “Lets tell our two boy friends that we have a headache and go

-back to the Ritz, where men are Americans.” Because Dorothy said that

-the society of a gentleman like Sir Francis Beekman was to great a

-price to pay for a couple of rounds of champagne cocktails. But I told

-Dorothy that I always believe that there is nothing like trying and I

-think it would be nice for an American girl like I to educate an

-English gentleman like Piggie, as I call Sir Francis Beekman.

-

-So then we went back to the table and I almost have to admit that

-Dorothy is in the right about Piggie because he really likes to talk

-quite a lot and he is always talking about a friend of his who was

-quite a famous King in London called King Edward. So Piggie said he

-would never never forget the jokes King Edward was always saying and he

-would never forget one time they were all on a yacht and they were all

-sitting at a table and King Edward got up and said “I don’t care what

-you gentlemen do—I’m going to smoke a cigar.” So then Piggie laughed

-very, very loud. So of course I laughed very, very loud and I told

-Piggie he was wonderful the way he could tell jokes. I mean you can

-always tell when to laugh because Piggie always laughs first.

-

-So in the afternoon a lot of lady friends of Mrs. Weeks heard about me

-buying the diamond tiara and called us up and asked us to their house

-to tea so Dorothy and I went and we took a gentleman Dorothy met in the

-lobby who is very, very good looking but he is only an English ballroom

-dancer in a cafe when he has a job.

-

-So we went to tea to a lady’s house called Lady Elmsworth and what she

-has to sell we Americans seems to be a picture of her father painted in

-oil paint who she said was a whistler. But I told her my own father was

-a whistler and used to whistle all of the time and I did not even have

-a picture of him but every time he used to go to Little Rock I asked

-him to go to the photographers but he did not go.

-

-So then we met a lady called Lady Chizzleby that wanted us to go to her

-house to tea but we told her that we really did not want to buy

-anything. But she said that she did not have anything to sell but she

-wanted to borrow five pounds. So we did not go and I am really glad

-that Mr. Eisman did not come to London as all the English ladys would

-ask him to tea and he would have a whole ship load of shell flowers and

-dogs and anteek pictures that do nobody any good.

-

-So last night Piggie and I and Dorothy and the dancer who is called

-Gerald went to the Kit Kat Club as Gerald had nothing better to do

-because he is out of a job. So Dorothy and I had quite a little quarrel

-because I told Dorothy that she was wasting quite a lot of time going

-with any gentleman who is out of a job but Dorothy is always getting to

-really like somebody and she will never learn how to act. I mean I

-always seem to think that when a girl really enjoys being with a

-gentleman, it puts her to quite a disadvantage and no real good can

-come of it.

-

-Well tonight is going to be quite a night because Major Falcon is going

-to take Dorothy and I to a dance at a lady’s house tonight to meet the

-Prince of Wales. And now I must get ready to see Piggie because he and

-I seem to be getting to be quite good friends even if he has not sent

-me any flowers yet.

-

-

-

-April 19th:

-

-Last night we really met the Prince of Wales. I mean Major Falcon

-called for Dorothy and I at eleven and took us to a ladys house where

-the lady was having a party. The Prince of Wales is really wonderful. I

-mean even if he was not a prince he would be wonderful, because even if

-he was not a prince, he would be able to make his living playing the

-ukelele, if he had a little more practice. So the lady came up to me

-and told me that the Prince of Wales would like to meet me, so she gave

-us an introduction to one another and I was very very thrilled when he

-asked me for a dance. So I decided I would write down every word he

-said to me in my diary so I could always go back and read it over and

-over when I am really old. So then we started to dance and I asked him

-if he was still able to be fond of horses, and he said he was. So after

-our dance was all over he asked Dorothy for a dance but Dorothy will

-never learn how to act in front of a prince. Because she handed me her

-fan and she said “Hold this while I slip a new page into English

-histry,” right in front of the Prince of Wales. So I was very very

-worried while Dorothy was dancing with the Prince of Wales because she

-talked to the Prince of Wales all the time and when she got through the

-Prince of Wales wrote some of the slang words she is always saying on

-his cuff, so if he tells the Queen some day to be ‘a good Elk’ or some

-other slang word Dorothy is always saying, the Queen will really blame

-me for bringing such a girl into English society. So when Dorothy came

-back we had quite a little quarrel because Dorothy said that since I

-met the Prince of Wales I was becoming too English. But really, I mean

-to say, I often remember papa back in Arkansas and he often used to say

-that his grandpa came from a place in England called Australia, so

-really, I mean to say, it is no wonder that the English seems to come

-out of me sometimes. Because if a girl seems to have an English accent

-I really think it is quite jolly.

-

-

-

-April 20th:

-

-Yesterday afternoon I really thought I ought to begin to educate Piggie

-how to act with a girl like American gentlemen act with a girl. So I

-asked him to come up to have tea in our sitting room in the hotel

-because I had quite a headache. I mean I really look quite cute in my

-pink negligay. So I sent out a bell hop friend of Dorothy and I who is

-quite a nice boy who is called Harry and who we talk to quite a lot. So

-I gave Harry ten pounds of English money and I told him to go to the

-most expensive florist and to buy some very very expensive orchids for

-10 pounds and to bring them to our sitting room at fifteen minutes past

-five and not to say a word but to say they were for me. So Piggie came

-to tea and we were having tea when Harry came in and he did not say a

-word but he gave me a quite large box and he said it was for me. So I

-opened the box and sure enough they were a dozen very very beautiful

-orchids. So I looked for a card, but of course there was no card so I

-grabbed Piggie and I said I would have to give him quite a large hug

-because it must have been him. But he said it was not him. But I said

-it must be him because I said that there was only one gentleman in

-London who was so sweet and generous and had such a large heart to send

-a girl one dozen orchids like him. So he still said it was not him. But

-I said I knew it was him, because there was not a gentleman in London

-so really marvelous and so wonderful and such a marvelous gentleman to

-send a girl one dozen orchids every day as him. So I really had to

-apologize for giving him such a large hug but I told him I was so full

-of impulses that when I knew he was going to send me one dozen orchids

-every day I became so impulsive I could not help it!

-

-So then Dorothy and Gerald came in and I told them all about what a

-wonderful gentleman Piggie turned out to be and I told them when a

-gentleman sent a girl one dozen orchids every day he really reminded me

-of a prince. So Piggie blushed quite a lot and he was really very very

-pleased and he did not say any more that it was not him. So then I

-started to make a fuss over him and I told him he would have to look

-out because he was really so good looking and I was so full of impulses

-that I might even lose my mind some time and give him a kiss. So Piggie

-really felt very very good to be such a good looking gentleman. So he

-could not help blushing all the time and he could not help grinning all

-the time from one ear to another. So he asked us all to dinner and then

-he and Gerald went to change their clothes for dinner. So Dorothy and I

-had quite a little quarrel after they went because Dorothy asked me

-which one of the Jesse James brothers was my father. But I told her I

-was not so unrefined that I would waste my time with any gentleman who

-was only a ballroom dancer when he had a job. So Dorothy said Gerald

-was a gentleman because he wrote her a note and it had a crest. So I

-told her to try and eat it. So then we had to get dressed.

-

-So this morning Harry, the boy friend of ours who is the bell hop,

-waked me up at ten o’clock because he had a box of one dozen orchids

-from Piggie. So by the time Piggie pays for a few dozen orchids, the

-diamond tiara will really seem like quite a bargain. Because I always

-think that spending money is only just a habit and if you get a

-gentleman started on buying one dozen orchids at a time he really gets

-very good habits.

-

-

-

-April 21st:

-

-Well, yesterday afternoon I took Piggie shopping on a street called

-Bond Street. So I took him to a jewelery store because I told him I had

-to have a silver picture frame because I had to have a picture of him

-to go in it. Because I told Piggie that when a girl gets to know such a

-good looking gentleman as him she really wants to have a picture of him

-on her dressing table where she can look at it a lot. So Piggie became

-quite intreeged. So we looked at all the silver picture frames. But

-then I told him that I really did not think a silver picture frame was

-good enough for a picture of him because I forgot that they had gold

-picture frames until I saw them. So then we started to look at the gold

-picture frames. So then it came out that his picture was taken in his

-unaform. So I said he must be so good looking in his unaform that I

-really did not think even the gold picture frames were good enough but

-they did not have any platinum picture frames so we had to buy the best

-one we could.

-

-So then I asked him if he could put on his unaform tomorrow because I

-would love to see him in his unaform and we could go to tea at Mrs.

-Weeks. So he really became very pleased because he grinned quite a lot

-and he said that he would. So then I said that poor little I would

-really look like nothing at all to be going out with him in his

-georgous unaform. So then we started to look at some bracelets but a

-lady friend of his who is quite friendly with his wife, who is in their

-country house in the country, came in to the store, so Piggie became

-quite nervous to be caught in a jewelery store where he has not been

-for years and years, so we had to go out.

-

-This morning Gerald called up Dorothy and he said that day after

-tomorrow they are having a theatrical garden party to sell things to

-people for charity so he asked if Dorothy and I would be one of the

-ones who sells things to people for charity. So we said we would.

-

-So now I must telephone Mrs. Weeks and say I will bring Sir Francis

-Beekman to tea tomorrow and I hope it all comes out all right. But I

-really wish Piggie would not tell so many storys. I mean I do not mind

-a gentleman when he tells a great many storys if they are new, but a

-gentleman who tells a great many storys and they are all the same

-storys is quite enervating. I mean London is really so uneducational

-that all I seem to be learning is some of Piggies storys and I even

-want to forget them. So I am really becoming jolly well fed up with

-London.

-

-

-

-April 22nd:

-

-Yesterday Piggie came in his unaform but he was really quite upset

-because he had a letter. I mean his wife is coming to London because

-she always comes to London every year to get her old clothes made over

-as she has a girl who does it very very cheap. So she is going to stay

-with the lady who saw us in the jewelery store, because it always saves

-money to stay with a friend. So I wanted to cheer Piggie up so I told

-him that I did not think the lady saw us and if she did see us, she

-really could not believe her eyes to see him in a jewelery store. But I

-did not tell him that I think that Dorothy and I had better go to Paris

-soon. Because, after all, Piggie’s society is beginning to tell on a

-girls nerves. But I really made Piggie feel quite good about his

-unaform because I told him I only felt fit to be with him in a diamond

-tiara. So then I told him that, even if his wife was in London, we

-could still be friends, because I could not help but admire him even if

-his wife was in London and I told him I really thought a thing like

-that was nearly always the result of fate. So then we went to tea at

-Mrs. Weeks. So Piggie arranged with Mrs. Weeks to pay her for the

-diamond tiara and she nearly fell dead but she will keep it a secret

-because no one would believe it anyway. So now I have the diamond tiara

-and I have to admit that everything always turns out for the best. But

-I promised Piggie that I would always stay in London and we would

-always be friendly. Because Piggie always says that I am the only one

-who admires him for what he really is.

-

-

-

-April 25th:

-

-Well, we were so busy the last days I did not have time to write in my

-diary because now we are on a ship that seems to be quite a small ship

-to be sailing to Paris and we will be at Paris this afternoon. Because

-it does not take nearly so long to come to Paris as it does to come to

-London. I mean it seems quite unusual to think that it takes 6 days to

-come to London and only one day to come to Paris.

-

-So Dorothy is quite upset because she did not want to come as she is

-madly in love with Gerald and Gerald said that we really ought not to

-leave London without going to see England while we happened to be here.

-But I told him that if England was the same kind of a place that London

-seems to be, I really know to much to bother with such a place. I mean

-we had quite a little quarrel because Gerald showed up at the station

-with a bangle for Dorothy so I told Dorothy she was well rid of such a

-person. So Dorothy had to come with me because Mr. Eisman is paying her

-expenses because he wants Dorothy to be my chaperone.

-

-So the last thing in London was the garden party. I sold quite a lot of

-red baloons and I sold a red baloon to Harry Lauder the famous Scotch

-gentleman who is the famous Scotch tenor for 20 pounds. So Dorothy said

-I did not need to buy any ticket to Paris on the boat because if I

-could do that, I could walk across the channel.

-

-So Piggy does not know that we have gone but I sent him a letter and

-told him I would see him some time again some time. And I was really

-glad to get out of our rooms at the Ritz—I mean 50 or 60 orchids really

-make a girl think of a funeral. So I cabled Mr. Eisman and I told him

-we could not learn anything in London because we knew to much, so if we

-went to Paris at least we could learn French, if we made up our mind to

-it.

-

-So I am really very very intreeged as I have heard so much about Paris

-and I feel that it must be much more educational than London and I can

-hardly wait to see the Ritz hotel in Paris.

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-CHAPTER FOUR

-

-PARIS IS DEVINE

-

-

-April 27th:

-

-Paris is devine. I mean Dorothy and I got to Paris yesterday, and it

-really is devine. Because the French are devine. Because when we were

-coming off the boat, and we were coming through the customs, it was

-quite hot and it seemed to smell quite a lot and all the French

-gentlemen in the customs, were squealing quite a lot. So I looked

-around and I picked out a French gentleman who was really in a very

-gorgeous uniform and he seemed to be a very, very important gentleman

-and I gave him twenty francs worth of French money and he was very very

-gallant and he knocked everybody else down and took our bags right

-through the custom. Because I really think that twenty Francs is quite

-cheap for a gentleman that has got on at least $100 worth of gold braid

-on his coat alone, to speak nothing of his trousers.

-

-I mean the French gentlemen always seem to be squealing quite a lot,

-especially taxi drivers when they only get a small size yellow dime

-called a ‘fifty santeems’ for a tip. But the good thing about French

-gentlemen is that every time a French gentleman starts in to squeal,

-you can always stop him with five francs, no matter who he is. I mean

-it is so refreshing to listen to a French gentleman stop squeaking,

-that it would really be quite a bargain even for ten francs.

-

-So we came to the Ritz Hotel and the Ritz Hotel is devine. Because when

-a girl can sit in a delightful bar and have delicious champagne

-cocktails and look at all the important French people in Paris, I think

-it is devine. I mean when a girl can sit there and look at the Dolly

-sisters and Pearl White and Maybelle Gilman Corey, and Mrs. Nash, it is

-beyond worlds. Because when a girl looks at Mrs. Nash and realizes what

-Mrs. Nash has got out of gentlemen, it really makes a girl hold her

-breath.

-

-And when a girl walks around and reads all of the signs with all of the

-famous historical names it really makes you hold your breath. Because

-when Dorothy and I went on a walk, we only walked a few blocks but in

-only a few blocks we read all of the famous historical names, like Coty

-and Cartier and I knew we were seeing something educational at last and

-our whole trip was not a failure. I mean I really try to make Dorothy

-get educated and have reverance. So when we stood at the corner of a

-place called the Place Vandome, if you turn your back on a monument

-they have in the middle and look up, you can see none other than Coty’s

-sign. So I said to Dorothy, does it not really give you a thrill to

-realize that that is the historical spot where Mr. Coty makes all the

-perfume? So then Dorothy said that she supposed Mr. Coty came to Paris

-and he smelled Paris and he realized that something had to be done. So

-Dorothy will really never have any reverance.

-

-So then we saw a jewelry store and we saw some jewelry in the window

-and it really seemed to be a very very great bargain but the price

-marks all had francs on them and Dorothy and I do not seem to be

-mathematical enough to tell how much francs is in money. So we went in

-and asked and it seems it was only 20 dollars and it seems it is not

-diamonds but it is a thing called “paste” which is the name of a word

-which means imitations. So Dorothy said “paste” is the name of the word

-a girl ought to do to a gentleman that handed her one. I mean I would

-really be embarrassed, but the gentleman did not seem to understand

-Dorothy’s english.

-

-So it really makes a girl feel depressed to think a girl could not tell

-that it was nothing but an imitation. I mean a gentleman could deceeve

-a girl because he could give her a present and it would only be worth

-20 dollars. So when Mr. Eisman comes to Paris next week, if he wants to

-make me a present I will make him take me along with him because he is

-really quite an inveteran bargain hunter at heart. So the gentleman at

-the jewelry store said that quite a lot of famous girls in Paris had

-imitations of all their jewelry and they put the jewelry in the safe

-and they really wore the imitations, so they could wear it and have a

-good time. But I told him I thought that any girl who was a lady would

-not even think of having such a good time that she did not remember to

-hang on to her jewelry.

-

-So then we went back to the Ritz and unpacked our trunks with the aid

-of really a delightful waiter who brought us up some delicious luncheon

-and who is called Leon and who speaks english almost like an American

-and who Dorothy and I talk to quite a lot. So Leon said that we ought

-not to stay around the Ritz all of the time, but we really ought to see

-Paris. So Dorothy said she would go down in the lobby and meet some

-gentleman to show us Paris. So in a couple of minutes she called up on

-the telephone from the lobby and she said “I have got a French bird

-down here who is a French title nobleman, who is called a veecount so

-come on down.” So I said “How did a Frenchman get into the Ritz.” So

-Dorothy said “He came in to get out of the rain and he has not noticed

-that it is stopped.” So I said “I suppose you have picked up something

-without taxi fare as usual. Why did you not get an American gentleman

-who always have money?” So Dorothy said she thought a French gentleman

-had ought to know Paris better. So I said “He does not even know it is

-not raining.” But I went down.

-

-So the veecount was really delightful after all. So then we rode around

-and we saw Paris and we saw how devine it really is. I mean the Eyefull

-Tower is devine and it is much more educational than the London Tower,

-because you can not even see the London Tower if you happen to be two

-blocks away. But when a girl looks at the Eyefull Tower she really

-knows she is looking at something. And it would even be very difficult

-not to notice the Eyefull Tower.

-

-So then we went to a place called the Madrid to tea and it really was

-devine. I mean we saw the Dolley Sisters and Pearl White and Mrs. Corey

-and Mrs. Nash all over again.

-

-So then we went to dinner and then we went to Momart and it really was

-devine because we saw them all over again. I mean in Momart they have

-genuine American jazz bands and quite a lot of New York people which we

-knew and you really would think you were in New York and it was devine.

-So we came back to the Ritz quite late. So Dorothy and I had quite a

-little quarrel because Dorothy said that when we were looking at Paris

-I asked the French veecount what was the name of the unknown soldier

-who is buried under quite a large monument. So I said I really did not

-mean to ask him, if I did, because what I did mean to ask him was, what

-was the name of his mother because it is always the mother of a dead

-soldier that I always seem to think about more than the dead soldier

-that has died.

-

-So the French veecount is going to call up in the morning but I am not

-going to see him again. Because French gentlemen are really quite

-deceeving. I mean they take you to quite cute places and they make you

-feel quite good about yourself and you really seem to have a delightful

-time but when you get home and come to think it all over, all you have

-got is a fan that only cost 20 francs and a doll that they gave you

-away for nothing in a restaurant. I mean a girl has to look out in

-Paris, or she would have such a good time in Paris that she would not

-get anywheres. So I really think that American gentlemen are the best

-after all, because kissing your hand may make you feel very very good

-but a diamond and safire bracelet lasts forever. Besides, I do not

-think that I ought to go out with any gentlemen in Paris because Mr.

-Eisman will be here next week and he told me that the only kind of

-gentlemen he wants me to go out with are intelectual gentlemen who are

-good for a girls brains. So I really do not seem to see many gentlemen

-around the Ritz who seem to look like they would be good for a girl’s

-brains. So tomorrow we are going to go shopping and I suppose it would

-really be to much to expect to find a gentleman who would look to Mr.

-Eisman like he was good for a girls brains and at the same time he

-would like to take us shopping.

-

-

-

-April 29th:

-

-Yesterday was quite a day. I mean Dorothy and I were getting ready to

-go shopping and the telephone rang and they said that Lady Francis

-Beekman was down stairs and she wanted to come up stairs. So I really

-was quite surprised. I mean I did not know what to say, so I said all

-right. So then I told Dorothy and then we put our brains together.

-Because it seems that Lady Francis Beekman is the wife of the gentleman

-called Sir Francis Beekman who was the admirer of mine in London who

-seemed to admire me so much that he asked me if he could make me a

-present of a diamond tiara. So it seemed as if his wife must have heard

-about it, and it really seemed as if she must have come clear over from

-London about it. So there was a very very loud knock at the door so we

-asked her to come in. So Lady Francis Beekman came in and she is a

-quite large size lady who seems to resemble Bill Hart quite a lot. I

-mean Dorothy thinks that Lady Francis Beeckman resembles Bill Hart

-quite a lot, only she really thinks she looks more like Bill Hart’s

-horse. So it seems that she said that if I did not give her back the

-diamond tiara right away, she would make quite a fuss and she would

-ruin my reputation. Because she said that something really must be

-wrong about the whole thing. Because it seems that Sir Francis Beekman

-and she have been married for 35 years and the last present he gave to

-her was a wedding ring. So Dorothy spoke up and she said “Lady you

-could no more ruin my girl friends reputation than you could sink the

-Jewish fleet.” I mean I was quite proud of Dorothy the way she stood up

-for my reputation. Because I really think that there is nothing so

-wonderful as two girls when they stand up for each other and help each

-other a lot. Because no matter how vigarous Lady Francis Beekman seems

-to be, she had to realize that she could not sink a whole fleet full of

-ships. So she had to stop talking against my reputation.

-

-So then she said she would drag it into the court and she would say

-that it was undue influence. So I said to her, “If you wear that hat

-into a court, we will see if the judge thinks it took an undue

-influence to make Sir Francis Beekman look at a girl.” So then Dorothy

-spoke up and Dorothy said “My girl friend is right, Lady. You have got

-to be the Queen of England to get away with a hat like that.” So Lady

-Francis Beekman seemed to get quite angry. So then she said she would

-send for Sir Francis Beekman where he suddenly went to Scotland, to go

-hunting when he found out that Lady Francis Beekman had found out. So

-Dorothy said “Do you mean that you have left Sir Francis Beekman loose

-with all those spendthrifts down in Scotland?” So Dorothy said she

-would better look out or he would get together with the boys some night

-and simply massacre a haypenny. I mean I always encouradge Dorothy to

-talk quite a lot when we are talking to unrefined people like Lady

-Francis Beekman, because Dorothy speaks their own languadge to

-unrefined people better than a refined girl like I. So Dorothy said,

-“You had better not send for Sir Francis Beekman because if my girl

-friend really wanted to turn loose on Sir Francis Beekman, all he would

-have left would be his title.” So then I spoke right up and said Yes

-that I was an American girl and we American girls do not care about a

-title because we American girls always say that what is good enough for

-Washington is good enough for us. So Lady Francis Beekman really seemed

-to get more angry and more angry all of the time.

-

-So then she said that if it was necessary, she would tell the judge

-that Sir Francis Beekman went out of his mind when he gave it to me. So

-Dorothy said “Lady, if you go into a court and if the judge gets a good

-look at you, he will think that Sir Francis Beekman was out of his mind

-35 years ago.” So then Lady Francis Beekman said she knew what kind of

-a person she had to deal with and she would not deal with any such a

-person because she said it hurt her dignity. So Dorothy said “Lady, if

-we hurt your dignity like you hurt our eyesight I hope for your sake,

-you are a Christian science.” So that seemed to make Lady Francis

-Beekman angry. So she said she would turn it all over to her soliciter.

-So when she went out she tripped over quite a long train which she had

-on her skirt and she nearly fell down. So Dorothy leaned out of the

-door and Dorothy called down the hall and said, “Take a tuck in that

-skirt Isabel, its 1925.” So I really felt quite depressed because I

-felt as if our whole morning was really very unrefined just because we

-had to mix with such an unrefined lady as Lady Francis Beekman.

-

-

-

-April 30th:

-

-So sure enough yesterday morning Lady Francis Beekman’s solicitor came.

-Only he really was not a solicitor, but his name was on a card and it

-seems his name is Mons. Broussard and it seems that he is an advocat

-because an advocat is a lawyer in the French landguage. So Dorothy and

-I were getting dressed and we were in our negligay as usual when there

-was quite a loud knock on the door and before we could even say come in

-he jumped right into the room. So it seems that he is of French

-extraction. I mean Lady Francis Beekman’s solicitor can really squeal

-just like a taxi driver. I mean he was squealing quite loud when he

-jumped into the room and he kept right on squealing. So Dorothy and I

-rushed into the parlor and Dorothy looked at him and Dorothy said,

-“This town has got to stop playing jokes on us every morning” because

-our nerves could not stand it. So Mons. Broussard handed us his card

-and he squealed and squealed and he really waved his arms in the air

-quite a lot. So Dorothy said He gives quite a good imitation of the

-Moulan Rouge, which is really a red wind mill, only Dorothy said he

-makes more noise and he runs on his own wind. So we stood and watched

-him for quite a long while, but he seemed to get quite monotonous after

-quite a long while because he was always talking in French, which

-really means nothing to us. So Dorothy said “Lets see if 25 francs will

-stop him, because if 5 francs will stop a taxi driver, 25 francs ought

-to stop an advocat.” Because he was making about 5 times as much noise

-as a taxi driver and 5 times 5 is 25. So as soon as he heard us start

-in to talk about francs he seemed to calm down quite a little. So

-Dorothy got her pocket book and she gave him 25 francs. So then he

-stopped squealing and he put it in his pocket, but then he got out

-quite a large size handkerchief with purple elefants on it and he

-started in to cry. So Dorothy really got discouraged and she said,

-“Look here, you have given us a quite an amusing morning but if you

-keep that up much longer, wet or dry, out you go.”

-

-So then he started in to pointing at the telephone and he seemed to

-want to use the telephone and Dorothy said, “If you think you can get a

-number over that thing, go to it, but as far as we have found out, it

-is a wall bracket.” So then he started in to telephone so Dorothy and I

-went about our business to get dressed. So when he finished telephoning

-he kept running to my door and then he kept running to Dorothy’s door,

-and he kept on crying and talking a lot, but he seemed to have lost all

-of his novelty to us so we paid no more attention to him.

-

-So finally there was another loud knock on the door so we heard him

-rush to the door so we both went in to the parlor to see what it was

-and it really was a sight. Because it was another Frenchman. So the new

-Frenchman rushed in and he yelled Papa and he kissed him. So it seems

-that it was his son because his son is really his papa’s partner in the

-advocat business. So then his papa talked quite a lot and then he

-pointed at I and Dorothy. So then his son looked at us and then his son

-let out quite a large size squeal, and he said in French “May papa,

-elles sont sharmant.” So it seems he was telling his papa in French

-that we were really charming. So then Mons. Broussard stopped crying

-and put on his glasses and took a good look at us. So then his son put

-up the window shade, so his papa could get a better look at us. So when

-his papa had finished looking at us he really became delighted. So he

-became all smiles and he pinched our cheeks and he kept on saying

-Sharmant all of the time because Sharmant means charming in the French

-languadge. So then his son broke right out into english and he really

-speaks english as good as an American. So then he told us his papa

-telephoned for him to come over because we did not seem to understand

-what his papa was saying to us. So it seems that Mons. Broussard had

-been talking to us in english all of the time but we did not seem to

-understand his kind of english. So Dorothy said, “If what your papa was

-talking in was english, I could get a gold medal for my greek.” So then

-his son told his papa and his papa laughed very very loud and he

-pinched Dorothys cheek and he was very delighted even if the joke was

-on him. So then Dorothy and I asked his son what he was saying, when he

-was talking to us in english and his son said he was telling us all

-about his client, Lady Francis Beekman. So then we asked his son why

-his papa kept crying. So then his son said his papa kept crying because

-he was thinking about Lady Francis Beekman. So Dorothy said, “If he

-cries when he thinks about her, what does he do when he looks at her?”

-So then his son explained to his papa what Dorothy said. So then Mons.

-Broussard laughed very very loud, so then he kissed Dorothy’s hand, so

-he said, after that, we would all really have to have a bottle of

-champagne. So he went to the telephone and ordered a bottle of

-champagne.

-

-So then his son said to his papa, “Why do we not ask the charming

-ladies to go out to Fountainblo to-day.” So his papa said it would be

-charming. So then I said, “How are we going to tell you gentlemen

-apart, because if it is the same in Paris as it is in America, you

-would both seem to be Monshure Broussard.” So then we got the idea to

-call them by their first name. So it seems that his son’s name is Louie

-so Dorothy spoke up and said, “I hear that they number all of you

-Louies over here in Paris.” Because a girl is always hearing some one

-talk about Louie the sixteenth who seemed to be in the anteek furniture

-business. I mean I was surprised to hear Dorothy get so historical so

-she may really be getting educated in spite of everything. But Dorothy

-told Louie he need not try to figure out his number because she got it

-the minute she looked at him. So it seems his papa’s name is Robber,

-which means Robert in French. So Dorothy started in to think about her

-25 francs and she said to Robber, “Your mother certainly knew her

-grammer when she called you that.”

-

-So Dorothy said we might as well go out to Fountainblo with Louie and

-Robber if Louie would take off his yellow spats that were made out of

-yellow shammy skin with pink pearl buttons. Because Dorothy said, “Fun

-is fun but no girl wants to laugh all of the time.” So Louie is really

-always anxious to please, so he took off his spats but when he took off

-his spats, we saw his socks and when we saw his socks we saw that they

-were Scotch plaid with small size rainbows running through them. So

-Dorothy looked at them a little while and she really became quite

-discouraged and she said, “Well Louie, I think you had better put your

-spats back on.”

-

-So then Leon, our friend who is the waiter, came in with the bottle of

-champagne. So while he was opening the bottle of champagne Louie and

-Robber talked together in French quite a lot and I really think I had

-ought to find out what they said in French because it might be about

-the diamond tiara. Because French gentlemen are very very gallant, but

-I really do not think a girl can trust one of them around a corner. So,

-when I get a chance, I am going to ask Leon what they said.

-

-So then we went to Fountainblo and then we went to Momart and we got

-home very late, and we really had quite a delightful day and night,

-even if we did not go out shopping and buy anything. But I really think

-we ought to do more shopping because shopping really seems to be what

-Paris is principaly for.

-

-

-

-May 1st:

-

-Well this morning I sent for Leon, who is Dorothy and my waiter friend,

-and I asked him what Louie and Robber said in French. So it seems that

-they said in French that we seemed to attract them very very much

-because they really thought that we were very very charming, and they

-had not met girls that were so charming in quite a long time. So it

-seems that they said that they would ask us out a lot and that they

-would charge up all the bills to Lady Francis Beekman because they

-would watch for their chance and they would steal the diamond tiara. So

-then they said that even if they could not steal it from us, we were

-really so charming that it would be delightful to go around with us,

-even if they could not steal from us. So no matter what happens they

-really could not lose. Because it seems that Lady Francis Beekman would

-be glad to pay all the bills when they told her they had to take us out

-a lot so they could watch for their chance and steal it. Because Lady

-Francis Beekman is the kind of a wealthy lady that does not spend money

-on anything else but she will always spend money on a law suit. And she

-really would not mind spending the money because it seems that

-something either I or Dorothy said to Lady Francis Beekman seemed to

-make her angry.

-

-So then I decided it was time to do some thinking and I really thought

-quite a lot. So I told Dorothy I thought I would put the real diamond

-tiara in the safe at the Ritz and then I would buy an imitation of a

-diamond tiara at the jewelry store that has the imitations that are

-called paste. So then I would leave the imitation of the diamond tiara

-lying around, so Louie and Robber could see how careless I seem to be

-with it so then they would get full of encouradgement. So when we go

-out with Louie and Robber I could put it in my hand bag and I could

-take it with me so Louie and Robber could always feel that the diamond

-tiara was within reach. So then Dorothy and I could get them to go

-shopping and we could get them to spend quite a lot and every time they

-seemed to get discouradged, I could open my hand bag, and let them get

-a glimpse of the imitation of a diamond tiara and they would become

-more encouradged and then they would spend some more money. Because I

-even might let them steal it at the last, because they were really

-charming gentlemen after all and I really would like to help Louie and

-Robber. I mean it would be quite amusing for them to steal it for Lady

-Francis Beekman and she would have to pay them quite a lot and then she

-would find out it was only made out of paste after all. Because Lady

-Francis Beekman has never seen the real diamond tiara and the imitation

-of a diamond tiara would really deceive her, at least until Louie and

-Robber got all of their money for all of the hard work they did. I mean

-the imitation of a diamond tiara would only cost about 65 dollars and

-what is 65 dollars if Dorothy and I could do some delightful shopping

-and get some delightful presents that would even seem more delightful

-when we stopped to realize that Lady Francis Beekman paid for them. And

-it would teach Lady Francis Beekman a lesson not to say what she said

-to two American girls like I and Dorothy, who were all alone in Paris

-and had no gentleman to protect them.

-

-So when I got through telling Dorothy what I thought up, Dorothy looked

-at me and looked at me and she really said she thought my brains were a

-miracle. I mean she said my brains reminded her of a radio because you

-listen to it for days and days and you get discouradged and just when

-you are getting ready to smash it, something comes out that is a

-masterpiece.

-

-So then Louie called us up so Dorothy told him that we thought it would

-be delightful if he and Robber would take us out shopping tomorrow

-morning. So then Louie asked his papa and his papa said they would. So

-then they asked us if we would like to go to see a play called The

-Foley Bergere tonight. So he said that all of the French people who

-live in Paris are always delighted to have some Americans, so it will

-give them an excuse to go to the Foley Bergere. So we said we would go.

-So now Dorothy and I are going out shopping to buy the imitation of a

-diamond tiara and we are going out window shopping to pick out where we

-would like Louie and Robber to take us shopping tomorrow.

-

-So I really think that everything always works out for the best.

-Because after all, we really need some gentlemen to take us around

-until Mr. Eisman gets to Paris and we could not go around with any

-really attractive gentlemen because Mr. Eisman only wants me to go out

-with gentlemen that have brains. So I said to Dorothy that, even if

-Louie and Robber do not look so full of brains, we could tell Mr.

-Eisman that all we were learning from them was French. So even if I

-have not seemed to learn French yet, I have really almost learned to

-understand Robbers english so when Robber talks in front of Mr. Eisman

-and I seem to understand what he is saying, Mr. Eisman will probably

-think I know French.

-

-

-

-May 2nd:

-

-So last night we went to the Foley Bergere and it really was devine. I

-mean it was very very artistic because it had girls in it that were in

-the nude. So one of the girls was a friend of Louie and he said that

-she was a very very nice girl, and that she was only 18 years of age.

-So Dorothy said, “She is slipping it over on you Louie, because how

-could a girl get such dirty knees in only 18 years?” So Louie and

-Robber really laughed very very loud. I mean Dorothy was very unrefined

-at the Foley Bergere. But I always think that when girls are in the

-nude it is very artistic and if you have artistic thoughts you think it

-is beautiful and I really would not laugh in an artistic place like the

-Foley Bergere.

-

-So I wore the imitation of a diamond tiara to the Foley Bergere. I mean

-it really would deceeve an expert and Louie and Robber could hardly

-take their eyes off of it. But they did not really annoy me because I

-had it tied on very very tight. I mean it would be fatal if they got

-the diamond tiara before Dorothy and I took them shopping a lot.

-

-So we are all ready to go shopping this morning and Robber was here

-bright and early and he is in the parlor with Dorothy and we are

-waiting for Louie. So I left the daimond tiara on the table in the

-parlor so Robber could see how careless I really am with everything but

-Dorothy is keeping her eye on Robber. So I just heard Louie come in

-because I heard him kissing Robber. I mean Louie is always kissing

-Robber and Dorothy told Louie that if he did not stop kissing Robber,

-people would think that he painted batiks.

-

-So now I must join the others and I will put the diamond tiara in my

-hand bag so that Louie and Robber will feel that it is always around

-and we will all go shopping. And I almost have to smile when I think of

-Lady Francis Beekman.

-

-

-

-May 3rd:

-

-Yesterday was really delightful. I mean Louie and Robber bought Dorothy

-and I some delightful presents. But then they began to run out of all

-the franks they had with them, so they began to get discouradged but

-just as soon as they began to get discouradged, I gave Robber my hand

-bag to hold while I went to the fitting room to try on a blouse. So he

-was cheered up quite a lot, but of course Dorothy stayed with them and

-kept her eye on Robber so he did not get a chance. But it really

-cheered him up quite a lot to even hold it.

-

-So after all their franks were gone, Robber said he would have to

-telephone to some one, so I suppose he telephoned to Lady Francis

-Beekman and she must have said All right because Robber left us at a

-place called the Cafe de la Paix because he had to go on an errand and

-when he came back from his errand he seemed to have quite a lot more

-franks. So then they took us to luncheon so that after luncheon we

-could go out shopping some more.

-

-But I am really learning quite a lot of French in spite of everything.

-I mean if you want delicious chicken and peas for luncheon all you have

-to say is “pettypas” and “pulle.” I mean French is really very easy,

-for instance the French use the word “sheik” for everything, while we

-only seem to use it for gentlemen when they seem to resemble Rudolf

-Valentino.

-

-So while we were shopping in the afternoon I saw Louie get Dorothy off

-in a corner and whisper to her quite a lot. So then I saw Robber get

-her off in a corner and whisper to her quite a lot. So when we got back

-to the Ritz, Dorothy told me why they whispered to her. So it seems

-when Louie whispered to Dorothy, Louie told Dorothy that if she would

-steal the diamond tiara from me and give it to him and not let his papa

-know, he would give her 1000 franks. Because it seems that Lady Francis

-Beekman has got her heart set on it and she will pay quite a lot for it

-because she is quite angry and when she really gets as angry as she is,

-she is only a woman with one idea. So if Louie could get it and his

-papa would not find it out, he could keep all the money for himself. So

-it seems that later on, when Robber was whispering to Dorothy, he was

-making her the same proposition for 2000 franks so that Louie would not

-find out and Robber could keep all the money for himself. So I really

-think it would be delightful if Dorothy could make some money for

-herself because it might make Dorothy get some ambishions. So tomorrow

-morning Dorothy is going to take the diamond tiara and she is going to

-tell Louie that she stole it and she is going to sell it to Louie. But

-she will make him hand over the money first and then, just as she is

-going to hand over the diamond tiara, I am going to walk in on them and

-say, “Oh there is my diamond tiara. I have been looking for it

-everywhere.” So then I will get it back. So then she will tell him that

-she might just as well keep the 1000 franks because she will steal it

-for him again in the afternoon. So in the afternoon she is going to

-sell it to Robber and I really think we will let Robber keep it.

-Because I am quite fond of Robber. I mean he is quite a sweet old

-gentleman and it is really refreshing the way he and his son love one

-another. Because even if it is unusual for an American to see a French

-gentleman always kissing his father, I really think it is refreshing

-and I think that we Americans would be better off if we American

-fathers and sons would love one another more like Louie and Robber.

-

-So Dorothy and I have quite a lot of delightful hand bags and stockings

-and handkerchiefs and scarfs and things and some quite cute models of

-evening gowns that are all covered with imitations of diamonds, only

-they do not call them “paste” when they are on a dress but they call

-them “diamonteys” and I really think a girl looks quite cute when she

-is covered all over with “diamonteys.”

-

-

-

-May 5th:

-

-So yesterday morning Dorothy sold the imitation of a diamond tiara to

-Louie. So then we got it back. So in the afternoon we all went out to

-Versigh. I mean Louie and Robber were quite delighted not to go

-shopping any more so I suppose that Lady Francis Beekman really thinks

-that there is a limit to almost everything. So I took Louie for a walk

-at Versigh so that Dorothy would have a chance to sell it to Robber. So

-then she sold it to Robber. So then he put it in his pocket. But when

-we were coming home I got to thinking things over and I really got to

-thinking that an imitation of a diamond tiara was quite a good thing to

-have after all. I mean especially if a girl goes around a lot in Paris,

-with admirers who are of the French extraction. And after all, I really

-do not think a girl ought to encouradge Robber to steal something from

-two American girls who are all alone in Paris and have no gentleman to

-protect them. So I asked Dorothy which pocket Robber put it in, so I

-sat next to him in the automobile coming home and I took it out.

-

-So we were in quite a quaint restaurant for dinner when Robber put his

-hand in his pocket and then he started in to squeal once more. So it

-seems he had lost something, so he and Louie had one of their regular

-squealing and shoulder shrugging matches. But Louie told his papa that

-he did not steal it out of his papa’s pocket. But then Robber started

-in to cry to think that his son would steal something out of his own

-papa’s pocket. So after Dorothy and I had had about all we could stand,

-I told them all about it. I mean I really felt sorry for Robber so I

-told him not to cry any more because it was nothing but paste after

-all. So then I showed it to them. So then Louie and Robber looked at

-Dorothy and I and they really held their breath. So I suppose that most

-of the girls in Paris do not have such brains as we American girls.

-

-So after it was all over, Louie and Robber seemed to be so depressed

-that I really felt sorry for them. So I got an idea. So I told them

-that we would all go out tomorrow to the imitation of a jewelry store

-and they could buy another imitation of a diamond tiara to give to Lady

-Francis Beekman and they could get the man in the jewelry store to put

-on the bill that it was a hand bag and they could charge the bill to

-Lady Francis Beekman along with the other expenses. Because Lady

-Francis Beekman had never seen the real diamond tiara anyway. So

-Dorothy spoke up and Dorothy said that as far as Lady Francis Beekman

-would know about diamonds, you could nick off a piece of ice and give

-it to her, only it would melt. So then Robber looked at me and looked

-at me, and he reached over and kissed me on the forehead in a way that

-was really full of reverance.

-

-So then we had quite a delightful evening. I mean because we all seem

-to understand one another because, after all, Dorothy and I could

-really have a platonick friendship with gentlemen like Louie and

-Robber. I mean there seems to be something common between us,

-especially when we all get to thinking about Lady Francis Beekman.

-

-So they are going to charge Lady Francis Beekman quite a lot of money

-when they give her the imitation of a diamond tiara and I told Robber

-if she seems to complane, to ask her, if she knew that Sir Francis

-Beekman sent me 10 pounds worth of orchids every day while we were in

-London. So that would make her so angry that she would be glad to pay

-almost anything to get the diamond tiara.

-

-So when Lady Francis Beekman pays them all the money, Louie and Robber

-are going to give us a dinner in our honor at Ciros. So when Mr. Eisman

-gets here on Saturday, Dorothy and I are going to make Mr. Eisman give

-Louie and Robber a dinner in their honor at Ciros because of the way

-they helped us when we were two American girls all alone in Paris and

-could not even speak the French landguage.

-

-So Louie and Robber asked us to come to a party at their sister’s house

-today but Dorothy says we had better not go because it is raining and

-we both have brand new umbrellas that are quite cute and Dorothy says

-she would not think of leaving a brand new umbrella in a French lady’s

-hall and it is no fun to hang on to an umbrella all the time you are at

-a party. So we had better be on the safe side and stay away. So we

-called up Louie and told him we had a headache but we thanked him for

-all of his hospitality. Because it is the way all the French people

-like Louie and Robber are so hospitable to we Americans that really

-makes Paris so devine.

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-CHAPTER FIVE

-

-THE CENTRAL OF EUROPE

-

-

-May 16th:

-

-I really have not written in my diary for quite a long time, because

-Mr. Eisman arrived in Paris and when Mr. Eisman is in Paris we really

-do not seem to do practically anything else but the same thing.

-

-I mean we go shopping and we go to a show and we go to Momart and when

-a girl is always going with Mr. Eisman nothing practically happens. And

-I did not even bother to learn any more French because I always seem to

-think it is better to leave French to those that can not do anything

-else but talk French. So finally Mr. Eisman seemed to lose quite a lot

-of interest in all of my shopping. So he heard about a button factory

-that was for sale quite cheaply in Vienna and as Mr. Eisman is in the

-button profession, he thought it would be a quite good thing to have a

-button factory in Vienna so he went to Vienna and he said he did not

-care if he did not ever see the rue de la Paix again. So he said if he

-thought Vienna would be good for a girl’s brains, he would send for

-Dorothy and I and we could meet him at Vienna and learn something.

-Because Mr. Eisman really wants me to get educated more than anything

-else, especially shopping.

-

-So now we have a telegram, and Mr. Eisman says in the telegram for

-Dorothy and I to take an oriental express because we really ought to

-see the central of Europe because we American girls have quite a lot to

-learn in the central of Europe. So Dorothy says if Mr. Eisman wants us

-to see the central of Europe she bets there is not a rue de la Paix in

-the whole central of Europe.

-

-So Dorothy and I are going to take an oriental express tomorrow and I

-really think it is quite unusual for two American girls like I and

-Dorothy to take an oriental express all alone, because it seems that in

-the Central of Europe they talk some other kinds of landguages which we

-do not understand besides French. But I always think that there is

-nearly always some gentleman who will protect two American girls like I

-and Dorothy who are all alone and who are traveling in the Central of

-Europe to get educated.

-

-

-

-May 17th:

-

-So now we are on an oriental express and everything seems to be quite

-unusual. I mean Dorothy and I got up this morning and we looked out of

-the window of our compartment and it was really quite unusual. Because

-it was farms, and we saw quite a lot of girls who seemed to be putting

-small size hay stacks onto large size hay stacks while their husbands

-seemed to sit at a table under quite a shady tree and drink beer. Or

-else their husbands seemed to sit on a fence and smoke their pipe and

-watch them. So Dorothy and I looked at two girls who seemed to be

-ploughing up all of the ground with only the aid of a cow and Dorothy

-said, “I think we girls have gone one step to far away from New York,

-because it begins to look to me as if the Central of Europe is no

-country for we girls.” So we both became quite worried. I mean I became

-quite depressed because if this is what Mr. Eisman thinks we American

-girls ought to learn I really think it is quite depressing. So I do not

-think we care to meet any gentlemen who have been born and raised in

-the Central of Europe. I mean the more I travel and the more I seem to

-see other gentlemen the more I seem to think of American gentlemen.

-

-So now I am going to get dressed and go to the dining car and look for

-some American gentleman and hold a conversation, because I really feel

-so depressed. I mean Dorothy keeps trying to depress me because she

-keeps saying that I will probably end up in a farm in the Central of

-Europe doing a sister act with a plough. Because Dorothy’s jokes are

-really very unrefined and I think that I will feel much better if I go

-to the dining car and have some luncheon.

-

-

-

-Well I went to the dining car and I met a gentleman who was quite a

-delightful American gentleman, I mean it was quite a co-instance,

-because we girls have always heard about Henry Spoffard and it was

-really nobody else but the famous Henry Spoffard, who is the famous

-Spoffard family, who is a very very fine old family who is very very

-wealthy. I mean Mr. Spoffard is one of the most famous familys in New

-York and he is not like most gentlemen who are wealthy, but he works

-all of the time for the good of the others. I mean he is the gentleman

-who always gets his picture in all of the newspapers because he is

-always senshuring all of the plays that are not good for peoples

-morals. And all of we girls remember the time when he was in the Ritz

-for luncheon and he met a gentleman friend of his and the gentleman

-friend had Peggy Hopkins Joyce to luncheon and he introduced Peggy

-Hopkins Joyce to Mr. Spoffard and Mr. Spoffard turned on his heels and

-walked away. Because Mr. Spoffard is a very very famous Prespyterian

-and he is really much to Prespyterian to meet Peggy Hopkins Joyce. I

-mean it is unusual to see a gentleman who is such a young gentleman as

-Mr. Spoffard be so Prespyterian, because when most gentlemen are 35

-years of age their minds nearly always seem to be on something else.

-

-So when I saw no one else but the famous Mr. Spoffard I really became

-quite thrilled. Because all of we girls have tried very hard to have an

-introduction to Henry Spoffard and it was quite unusual to be shut up

-on a train in the Central of Europe with him. So I thought it would be

-quite unusual for a girl like I to have a friendship with a gentleman

-like Mr. Spoffard, who really does not even look at a girl unless she

-at least looks like a Prespyterian. And I mean our family in Little

-Rock were really not so Prespyterians.

-

-So I thought I would sit at his table. So then I had to ask him about

-all of the money because all of the money they use in the Central of

-Europe has not even got so much sense to it as the kind of franks they

-use in Paris. Because it seems to be called kronens and it seems to

-take quite a lot of them because it takes 50,000 of them to even buy a

-small size package of cigarettes and Dorothy says if the cigarettes had

-tobacco in them, we couldn’t lift enough kronens over a counter to pay

-for a package. So this morning Dorothy and I asked the porter to bring

-us a bottle of champagne and we really did not know what to give him

-for a tip. So Dorothy said for me to take one of the things called a

-one million kronens and she would take one of them called a one million

-kronens and I would give him mine first and if he gave me quite a dirty

-look, she would give him hers. So after we paid for the bottle of

-champagne I gave him my one million kronens and before we could do

-anything else he started in to grabbing my hand and kissing my hand and

-getting down on his knees. So we finally had to push him right out of

-the compartment. So one million kronens seemed to be enough. So I told

-Mr. Spoffard how we did not know what to give the porter when he

-brought us our bottle of minral water. So then I asked him to tell me

-all about all of the money because I told him I always seem to think

-that a penny earned was a penny saved. So it really was quite unusual

-because Mr. Spoffard said that that was his favorite motto.

-

-

-

-So then we got to talking quite a lot and I told him that I was

-traveling to get educated and I told him I had a girl with me who I was

-trying to reform because I thought if she would put her mind more on

-getting educated, she would get more reformed. Because after all Mr.

-Spoffard will have to meet Dorothy sooner or later and he might wonder

-what a refined girl like I was doing with a girl like Dorothy. So Mr.

-Spoffard really became quite intreeged. Because Mr. Spoffard loves to

-reform people and he loves to senshure everything and he really came

-over to Europe to look at all the things that Americans come over to

-Europe to look at, when they really should not look at them but they

-should look at all of the museums instead. Because if that is all we

-Americans come to Europe to look at, we should stay home and look at

-America first. So Mr. Spoffard spends all of his time looking at things

-that spoil peoples morals. So Mr. Spoffard really must have very very

-strong morals or else all the things that spoil other peoples morals

-would spoil his morals. But they do not seem to spoil Mr. Spoffards

-morals and I really think it is wonderful to have such strong morals.

-So I told Mr. Spoffard that I thought that civilization is not what it

-ought to be and we really ought to have something else to take its

-place.

-

-So Mr. Spoffard said that he would come to call on Dorothy and I in our

-compartment this afternoon and we would talk it all over, if his mother

-does not seem to need him in her compartment. Because Mr. Spoffards

-mother always travels with Mr. Spoffard and he never does anything

-unless he tells his mother all about it, and asks his mother if he

-ought to. So he told me that that is the reason he has never got

-married, because his mother does not think that all of the flappers we

-seem to have nowadays are what a young man ought to marry when a young

-man is full of so many morals as Mr. Spoffard seems to be full of. So I

-told Mr. Spoffard that I really felt just like his mother feels about

-all of the flappers because I am an old fashioned girl.

-

-So then I got to worrying about Dorothy quite a lot because Dorothy is

-really not so old-fashioned and she might say something in front of Mr.

-Spoffard that might make Mr. Spoffard wonder what such an old-fashioned

-girl as I was doing with such a girl as Dorothy. So I told him how I

-was having quite a hard time reforming Dorothy and I would like to have

-him meet Dorothy so he could tell me if he really thinks I am wasting

-quite a lot of time trying to reform a girl like Dorothy. So then he

-had to go to his mother. So I really hope that Dorothy will act more

-reformed than she usually acts in front of Mr. Spoffard.

-

-Well Mr. Spoffard just left our compartment so he really came to pay a

-call on us after all. So Mr. Spoffard told us all about his mother and

-I was really very very intreeged because if Mr. Spoffard and I become

-friendly he is the kind of a gentleman that always wants a girl to meet

-his mother. I mean if a girl gets to know what kind of a mother a

-gentlemans mother is like, she really knows more what kind of a

-conversation to use on a gentleman’s mother when she meets her. Because

-a girl like I is really always on the verge of meeting gentlemen’s

-mothers. But such an unrefined girl as Dorothy is really not the kind

-of a girl that ever meets gentlemens mothers.

-

-

-

-So Mr. Spoffard says his mother has to have him take care of her quite

-a lot. Because Mr. Spoffards mothers brains have never really been so

-strong. Because it seems his mother came from such a very fine old

-family that even when she was quite a small size child she had to be

-sent to a school that was a special school for people of very fine old

-familys who had to have things very easy on their brain. So she still

-has to have things very easy on her brain, so she has a girl who is

-called her companion who goes with her everywhere who is called Miss

-Chapman. Because Mr. Spoffard says that there is always something new

-going on in the world which they did not get a chance to tell her about

-at the school. So now Miss Chapman keeps telling her instead. Because

-how would she know what to think about such a new thing as a radio, for

-instance, if she did not have Miss Chapman to tell her what it was, for

-instance. So Dorothy spoke up and Dorothy said, “What a responsibility

-that girl has got on her shoulders. For instance, what if Miss Chapman

-told her a radio was something to build a fire in, and she would get

-cold some day and stuff it full of papers and light it.” But Mr.

-Spoffard told Dorothy that Miss Chapman would never make such a

-mistake. Because he said that Miss Chapman came from a very very fine

-old family herself and she really had a fine brain. So Dorothy said,

-“If she really has got such a fine brain I bet her fine old family once

-had an ice man who could not be trusted.” So Mr. Spoffard and I did not

-pay any more attention to Dorothy because Dorothy really does not know

-how to hold a conversation.

-

-

-

-So then I and Mr. Spoffard held a conversation all about morals and Mr.

-Spoffard says he really thinks the future of everything is between the

-hands of Mr. Blank the district attorney who is the famous district

-attorney who is closing up all the places in New York where they sell

-all of the liquor. So Mr. Spoffard said that a few months ago, when Mr.

-Blank decided he would try to get the job to be the district attorney,

-he put 1,000 dollars worth of liquor down his sink. So now Mr. Blank

-says that everybody else has got to put it down their sink. So Dorothy

-spoke up, and Dorothy said, “If he poured 1,000 dollars worth down his

-sink to get himself one million dollars worth of publicity and a good

-job—when we pour it down our sink, what do we get?” But Mr. Spoffard is

-to brainy a gentleman to answer any such a foolish question. So he gave

-Dorothy a look that was full of dignity and he said he would have to go

-back to his Mother. So I was really quite angry at Dorothy. So I

-followed Mr. Spoffard down the hall of the railway train and I asked

-Mr. Spoffard if he thought I was wasting quite a lot of time reforming

-a girl like Dorothy. So Mr. Spoffard thinks I am, because he really

-thinks a girl like Dorothy will never have any reverance. So I told Mr.

-Spoffard I had wasted so much time on Dorothy it would really break my

-heart to be a failure. So then I had tears in my eyes. So Mr. Spoffard

-is really very very sympathetic because when he saw that I did not have

-any handkerchief, he took his own handkerchief and he dried up all of

-my tears. So then he said he would help me with Dorothy quite a lot and

-get her mind to running on things that are more educational.

-

-So then he said he thought that we ought to get off the train at a

-place called Munich because it was very full of art, which they call

-“kunst” in Munich, which is very, very educational. So he said he and

-Dorothy and I would get off of the train in Munich because he could

-send his mother right on to Vienna with Miss Chapman, because every

-place always seems to look alike to his mother anyway. So we are all

-going to get off the train at Munich and I can send Mr. Eisman a

-telegram when nobody is looking. Because I really do not think I will

-tell Mr. Spoffard about Mr. Eisman, because, after all, their religions

-are different and when two gentlemen have such different religions they

-do not seem to have so much to get congeneal about. So I can telegraph

-Mr. Eisman that Dorothy and I thought we would get off the train at

-Munich to look at all of the art.

-

-So then I went back to Dorothy and I told Dorothy if she did not have

-anything to say in the future to not say it. Because even if Mr.

-Spoffard is a fine old family and even if he is very Prespyterian, I

-and he could really be friendly after all and talk together quite a

-lot. I mean Mr. Spoffard likes to talk about himself quite a lot, so I

-said to Dorothy it really shows that, after all, he is just like any

-other gentleman. But Dorothy said she would demand more proof than

-that. So Dorothy says she thinks that maybe I might become quite

-friendly with Mr. Spoffard and especially with his mother because she

-thinks his mother and I have quite a lot that is common, but she says,

-if I ever bump into Miss Chapman, she thinks I will come to a kropper

-because Dorothy saw Miss Chapman when she was at luncheon and Dorothy

-says Miss Chapman is the kind of a girl that wears a collar and a tie

-even when she is not on horseback. And Dorothy said it was the look

-that Miss Chapman gave her at luncheon that really gave her the idea

-about the ice man. So Dorothy says she thinks Miss Chapman has got 3

-thirds of the brains of that trio of Geegans, because Geegans is the

-slang word that Dorothy has thought up to use on people who are society

-people. Because Dorothy says she thinks any gentleman with Mr.

-Spoffards brains had ought to spend his time putting nickels into an

-electric piano, but I did not even bother to talk back at such a girl

-as Dorothy. So now we must get ready to get off the train when the

-train gets to Munich so that we can look at all of the kunst in Munich.

-

-

-

-May 19th:

-

-Well yesterday Mr. Spoffard and I and Dorothy got off the train at

-Munich to see all of the kunst in Munich, but you only call it Munich

-when you are on the train because as soon as you get off of the train

-they seem to call it Munchen. So you really would know that Munchen was

-full of kunst because in case you would not know it, they have painted

-the word “kunst” in large size black letters on everything in Munchen,

-and you can not even see a boot black’s stand in Munchen that is not

-full of kunst.

-

-So Mr. Spoffard said that we really ought to go to the theater in

-Munchen because even the theater in Munchen was full of kunst. So we

-looked at all of the bills of all of the theaters, with the aid of

-quite an intelectual hotel clerk who seemed to be able to read it and

-tell us what it said, because it really meant nothing to us. So it

-seems they were playing Kiki in Munchen, so I said, let us go and see

-Kiki because we have seen Lenore Ulric in New York and we would really

-know what it is all about even if they do not seem to talk the English

-landguage. So then we went to the Kunst theater. So it seems that

-Munchen is practically full of Germans and the lobby of the Kunst

-theater was really full of Germans who stand in the lobby and drink

-beer and eat quite a lot of Bermudian onions and garlick sausage and

-hard boiled eggs and beer before all of the acts. So I really had to

-ask Mr. Spoffard if he thought we had come to the right theatre because

-the lobby seemed to smell such a lot. I mean when the smell of beer

-gets to be anteek it gets to smell quite a lot. But Mr. Spoffard seemed

-to think that the lobby of the Kunst theatre did not smell any worse

-than all of the other places in Munich. So then Dorothy spoke up and

-Dorothy said “You can say what you want about the Germans being full of

-‘kunst,’ but what they are really full of is delicatessen.”

-

-So then we went into the Kunst theater. But the Kunst theater does not

-seem to smell so good as the lobby of the Kunst theater. And the Kunst

-theater seems to be decorated with quite a lot of what tripe would look

-like if it was pasted on the wall and gilded. Only you could not really

-see the gilding because it was covered with quite a lot of dust. So

-Dorothy looked around and Dorothy said, if this is “kunst,” the art

-center of the world is Union Hill New Jersey.

-

-So then they started in to playing Kiki but it seems that it was not

-the same kind of a Kiki that we have in America, because it seemed to

-be all about a family of large size German people who seemed to keep

-getting in each others ways. I mean when a stage is completely full of

-2 or 3 German people who are quite large size, they really cannot help

-it if they seem to get in each others ways. So then Dorothy got to

-talking with a young gentleman who seemed to be a German gentleman who

-sat back of her, who she thought was applauding. But what he was really

-doing was he was cracking a hard boiled egg on the back of her chair.

-So he talked English with quite an accent that seemed to be quite a

-German accent. So Dorothy asked him if Kiki had come out on the stage

-yet. So he said no, but she was really a beautiful german actress who

-came clear from Berlin and he said we should really wait until she came

-out, even if we did not seem to understand it. So finally she came out.

-I mean we knew it was her because Dorothy’s German gentleman friend

-nudged Dorothy with a sausage. So we looked at her, and we looked at

-her and Dorothy said, “If Schuman Heinke still has a grandmother, we

-have dug her up in Munchen.” So we did not bother to see any more of

-Kiki because Dorothy said she would really have to know more about the

-foundations of that building before she would risk our lives to see

-Kiki do that famous scene where she faints in the last act. Because

-Dorothy said, if the foundations of that building were as anteek as the

-smell, there was going to be a catasterophy when Kiki hit the floor. So

-even Mr. Spoffard was quite discouradged, but he was really glad

-because he said he was 100 per cent. of an American and it served the

-Germans right for starting such a war against all we Americans.

-

-

-

-May 20th:

-

-Well today Mr. Spoffard is going to take me all around to all of the

-museums in Munchen, which are full of kunst that I really ought to look

-at, but Dorothy said she had been punished for all of her sins last

-night, so now she is going to begin life all over again by going out

-with her German gentleman friend, who is going to take her to a house

-called the Half Brow house which is the worlds largest size of a Beer

-Hall. So Dorothy said I could be a high brow and get full of kunst, but

-she is satisfide to be a Half brow and get full of beer. But Dorothy

-will really never be full of anything else but unrefinement.

-

-

-

-May 21st:

-

-Well Mr. Spoffard and I and Dorothy are on the train again and we are

-all going to Vienna. I mean Mr. Spoffard and I spent one whole day

-going through all of the museums in Munchen, but I am really not even

-going to think about it. Because when something terrible happens to me,

-I always try to be a Christian science and I simply do not even think

-about it, but I deny that it ever happened even if my feet do seem to

-hurt quite a lot. So even Dorothy had quite a hard day in Munchen

-because her German gentleman friend, who is called Rudolf, came for her

-at 11 oclock to take her to breakfast. But Dorothy told him that she

-had had her breakfast. But her gentleman friend said that he had had

-his first breakfast to, but it was time for his second. So he took

-Dorothy to the Half Brow house where everybody eats white sausages and

-pretzels and beer at 11 oclock. So after they had their white sausages

-and beer he wanted to take her for a ride but they could only go a few

-blocks because by then it was time for luncheon. So they ate quite a

-lot of luncheon and then he bought her a large size box of chocolates

-that were full of liqueurs, and took her to the matinee. So after the

-first act Rudolf got hungry and they had to go and stand in the lobby

-and have some sandwitches and beer. But Dorothy did not enjoy the show

-very much and so after the second act Rudolf said they would leave

-because it was time for tea anyway. So after quite a heavy tea, Rudolph

-asked her to dinner and Dorothy was to overcome to say No. So after

-dinner they went to a beer garden for beer and pretzels. But finally

-Dorothy began to come to, and she asked him to take her back to the

-hotel. So Rudolf said he would, but they had better have a bite to eat

-first. So today Dorothy really feels just as discouradged as I seem to

-feel, only Dorothy is not a Christian science and all she can do is

-suffer.

-

-But in spite of all of my Christian science, I am really beginning to

-feel quite discouradged about Vienna. I mean Mr. Eisman is in Vienna,

-and I do not see how I can spend quite a lot of time with Mr. Eisman

-and quite a lot of time with Mr. Spoffard and keep them from meeting

-one another. Because Mr. Spoffard might not seem to understand why Mr.

-Eisman seems to spend quite a lot of money to get me educated. And

-Dorothy keeps trying to depress me about Miss Chapman because she says

-she thinks that when Miss Chapman sees I and Mr. Spoffard together she

-thinks that Miss Chapman will cable for the familys favorite lunacy

-expert. So I have got to be as full of Christian science as I can and

-always hope for the best.

-

-

-

-May 25th:

-

-So far everything has really worked out for the best. Because Mr.

-Eisman is very very busy all day with the button profession, and he

-tells me to run around with Dorothy all day. So I and Mr. Spoffard run

-around all day. So then I tell Mr. Spoffard that I really do not care

-to go to all of the places that you go to at night, but I will go to

-bed and get ready for tomorrow instead. So then Dorothy and I go to

-dinner with Mr. Eisman and then we go to a show, and we stay up quite

-late at a cabaret called the Chapeau Rouge and I am able to keep it all

-up with the aid of champagne. So if we keep our eye out for Mr.

-Spoffard and do not all bump into one another when he is out looking at

-things that we Americans really should not look at, it will all work

-out for the best. I mean I have even stopped Mr. Spoffard looking at

-museums because I tell him that I like nature better, and when you look

-at nature you look at it in a horse and buggy in the park and it is

-much easier on the feet. So now he is beginning to talk about how he

-would like me to meet his mother, so everything really seems for the

-best after all.

-

-But I have quite a hard time with Mr. Eisman at night. I mean at night

-Mr. Eisman is in quite a state, because every time he makes an

-engagement about the button factory, it is time for all the gentlemen

-in Vienna to go to the coffee house and sit. Or else every time he

-makes an engagement about the button factory, some Viennese gentleman

-gets the idea to have a picknick and they all put on short pants and

-bare knees and they all put a feather in their hat, and they all walk

-to the Tyrol. So it really discouradges Mr. Eisman quite a lot. But if

-anyone ought to get discouradged I think that I ought to get

-discouradged because after all when a girl has had no sleep for a week

-a girl can not help it if she seems to get discouradged.

-

-

-

-May 27th:

-

-Well finaly I broke down and Mr. Spoffard said that he thought a little

-girl like I, who was trying to reform the whole world was trying to do

-to much, especially beginning on a girl like Dorothy. So he said there

-was a famous doctor in Vienna called Dr. Froyd who could stop all of my

-worrying because he does not give a girl medicine but he talks you out

-of it by psychoanalysis. So yesterday he took me to Dr. Froyd. So Dr.

-Froyd and I had quite a long talk in the english landguage. So it seems

-that everybody seems to have a thing called inhibitions, which is when

-you want to do a thing and you do not do it. So then you dream about it

-instead. So Dr. Froyd asked me, what I seemed to dream about. So I told

-him that I never really dream about anything. I mean I use my brains so

-much in the day time that at night they do not seem to do anything else

-but rest. So Dr. Froyd was very very surprized at a girl who did not

-dream about anything. So then he asked me all about my life. I mean he

-is very very sympathetic, and he seems to know how to draw a girl out

-quite a lot. I mean I told him things that I really would not even put

-in my diary. So then he seemed very very intreeged at a girl who always

-seemed to do everything she wanted to do. So he asked me if I really

-never wanted to do a thing that I did not do. For instance did I ever

-want to do a thing that was really vialent, for instance, did I ever

-want to shoot someone for instance. So then I said I had, but the

-bullet only went in Mr. Jennings lung and came right out again. So then

-Dr. Froyd looked at me and looked at me and he said he did not really

-think it was possible. So then he called in his assistance and he

-pointed at me and talked to his assistance quite a lot in the Viennese

-landguage. So then his assistance looked at me and looked at me and it

-really seems as if I was quite a famous case. So then Dr. Froyd said

-that all I needed was to cultivate a few inhibitions and get some

-sleep.

-

-

-

-May 29th:

-

-Things are really getting to be quite a strain. Because yesterday Mr.

-Spoffard and Mr. Eisman were both in the lobby of the Bristol hotel and

-I had to pretend not to see both of them. I mean it is quite an easy

-thing to pretend not to see one gentleman, but it is a quite hard thing

-to pretend not to see two gentlemen. So something has really got to

-happen soon, or I will have to admit that things seem to be happening

-that are not for the best.

-

-So this afternoon Dorothy and I had an engagement to meet Count Salm

-for tea at four o’clock, only you do not call it tea at Vienna but you

-seem to call it “yowzer” and you do not drink tea at Vienna but you

-drink coffee instead. I mean it is quite unusual to see all of the

-gentlemen at Vienna stop work, to go to yowzer about one hour after

-they have all finished their luncheon, but time really does not seem to

-mean so much to Viennese gentlemen except time to get to the coffee

-house, which they all seem to know by instincts, or else they really do

-not seem to mind if they make a mistake and get there to early. Because

-Mr. Eisman says that when it is time to attend to the button

-profession, they really seem to lose all of their interest until Mr.

-Eisman is getting so nervous he could scream.

-

-So we went to Deimels and met Count Salm. But while we were having

-yowzer with Count Salm, we saw Mr. Spoffard’s mother come in with her

-companion Miss Chapman, and Miss Chapman seemed to look at me quite a

-lot and talk to Mr. Spoffards mother about me quite a lot. So I became

-quite nervous, because I really wished that we were not with Count

-Salm. I mean it has been quite a hard thing to make Mr. Spoffard think

-that I am trying to reform Dorothy, but if I had to try to make him

-think that I was trying to reform Count Salm, he might begin to think

-that there is a limit to almost everything. So Mr. Spoffards mother

-seems to be deaf, because she seems to use an ear trumpet and I really

-could not help over hearing quite a lot of words that Miss Chapman was

-using on me, even if it is not such good etiquet to overhear people. So

-Miss Chapman seemed to be telling Mr. Spoffards mother that I was a

-“creature,” and she seemed to be telling her that I was the real reason

-why her son seemed to be so full of nothing but neglect lately. So then

-Mr. Spoffards mother looked at me and looked at me, even if it was not

-such good etiquet to look at a person. And Miss Chapman kept right on

-talking to Mr. Spoffards mother and I heard her mention Willie Gwynn

-and I think that Miss Chapman has been making some inquiries about me

-and I really think that she has heard about the time when all of the

-family of Willie Gwynn had quite a long talk with me and persuaded me

-not to marry Willie Gwynn for $10,000. So I really wish Mr. Spoffard

-would introduce me to his mother before she gets to be full of quite a

-lot of prejudice. Because one thing seems to be piling up on top of

-another thing, until I am almost on the verge of getting nervous and I

-have not had any time yet to do what Dr. Froyd said a girl ought to do.

-

-So tonight I am going to tell Mr. Eisman that I have got to go to bed

-early, so then I can take quite a long ride with Mr. Spoffard and look

-at nature, and he may say something definite, because nothing makes

-gentlemen get so definite as looking at nature when it is moonlight.

-

-

-

-May 30th:

-

-Well last night Mr. Spoffard and I took quite a long ride in the park,

-but they do not call it a park in the Viennese landguage but they call

-it the Prater. So a prater is really devine because it is just like

-Coney Island but at the same time it is in the woods and it is

-practically full of trees and it has quite a long road for people to

-take rides on in a horse and buggy. So I found out that Miss Chapman

-had been talking against me quite a lot. So it seems that she has been

-making inquiries about me, and I was really surprised to hear all of

-the things that Miss Chapman seemed to find out about me except that

-she did not find out about Mr. Eisman educating me. So then I had to

-tell Mr. Spoffard that I was not always so reformed as I am now,

-because the world was full of gentlemen who were nothing but wolfs in

-sheeps clothes, that did nothing but take advantadge of all we girls.

-So I really cried quite a lot. So then I told him how I was just a

-little girl from Little Rock when I first left Little Rock and by that

-time even Mr. Spoffard had tears in his eyes. So I told him how I came

-from a very very good family because papa was very intelectual, and he

-was a very very prominent Elk, and everybody always said that he was a

-very intelectual Elk. So I told Mr. Spoffard that when I left Little

-Rock I thought that all of the gentlemen did not want to do anything

-but protect we girls and by the time I found out that they did not want

-to protect us so much, it was to late. So then he cried quite a lot. So

-then I told him how I finaly got reformed by reading all about him in

-the newspapers and when I saw him in the oriental express it really

-seemed to be nothing but the result of fate. So I told Mr. Spoffard

-that I thought a girl was really more reformed if she knew what it was

-to be unreformed than if she was born reformed and never really knew

-that was the matter with her. So then Mr. Spoffard reached over and he

-kissed me on the forehead in a way that was full of reverance and he

-said I seemed to remind him quite a lot of a girl who got quite a

-write-up in the bible who was called Magdellen. So then he said that he

-used to be a member of the choir himself, so who was he to cast the

-first rock at a girl like I.

-

-So we rode around in the Prater until it was quite late and it really

-was devine because it was moonlight and we talked quite a lot about

-morals, and all the bands in the prater were all playing in the

-distants “Mama love Papa”. Because “Mama love Papa” has just reached

-Vienna and they all seem to be crazy about “Mama love Papa” even if it

-is not so new in America. So then he took me home to the hotel.

-

-So everything always works out for the best, because this morning Mr.

-Spoffard called up and told me he wanted me to meet his mother. So I

-told him I would like to have luncheon alone with his mother because we

-could have quite a little tatatate if there was only two of us. So I

-told him to bring his mother to our room for luncheon because I thought

-that Miss Chapman could not walk into our room and spoil everything.

-

-So he brought his mother down to our sitting room and I put on quite a

-simple little organdy gown that I had ripped all of the trimming off

-of, and I had a pair of black lace mitts that Dorothy used to wear in

-the Follies and I had a pair of shoes that did not have any heels on

-them. So when he introduced us to each other I dropped her a courtesy

-because I always think it is quite quaint when a girl drops quite a lot

-of courtesys. So then he left us alone and we had quite a little talk

-and I told her that I did not seem to like all of the flappers that we

-seem to have nowadays, because I was brought up to be more old

-fashioned. So then Mr. Spoffards mother told me that Miss Chapman said

-that she had heard that I was not so old fashioned. But I told her that

-I was so old fashioned that I was always full of respect for all of my

-elders and I would not dare to tell them everything they ought to do,

-like Miss Chapman seems to tell her everything she ought to do, for

-instants.

-

-So then I ordered luncheon and I thought some champagne would make her

-feel quite good for luncheon so I asked her if she liked champagne. So

-she really likes champagne very very much but Miss Chapman thinks it is

-not so nice for a person to drink liquor. But I told her that I was a

-Christian science, and all of we Christian science seem to believe that

-there can not really be any harm in anything, so how can there be any

-harm in a small size bottle of champagne? So she never seemed to look

-at it in that kind of a light before, because she said that Miss

-Chapman believed in Christian science also, but what Miss Chapman

-believed about things that were good for you to drink seemed to apply

-more towards water. So then we had luncheon and she began to feel very

-very good. So I thought that we had better have another bottle of

-champagne because I told her that I was such an ardent Christian

-science that I did not even believe there could be any harm in two

-bottles of champagne. So we had another bottle of champagne and she

-became very intreeged about Christian science because she said that she

-really thought it was a better religion than Prespyterians. So she said

-Miss Chapman used to try to get her to use it on things, but Miss

-Chapman never seemed to have such a large size grasp of the Christian

-science religion as I seem to have.

-

-So then I told her that I thought Miss Chapman was jealous of her good

-looks. So then she said that that was true, because Miss Chapman would

-always make her wear hats that were made out of black horses hair

-because horses hair does not weigh so much on a persons brain. So I

-told her I was going to give her one of my hats that has got quite

-large size roses on it. So then I got it out, but we could not get it

-on her head because hats are quite small on account of hair being

-bobbed. So I thought I would get the sissors and bob her head, but then

-I thought I had done enough to her for one day.

-

-So Henry’s mother said that I was really the most sunshine that she

-ever had in all her life and when Henry came back to take his Mother up

-to her room, she did not want to go. But after he got her away he

-called me up on the telephone and he was qiute excited and he said he

-wanted to ask me something that was very very important. So I said I

-would see him tonight.

-

-But now I have got to see Mr. Eisman because I have an idea about doing

-something that is really very very important that has got to be done at

-once.

-

-

-

-May 31st:

-

-Well I and Dorothy and Mr. Eisman are on a train going to a place

-called Buda Pest. So I did not see Henry again before I left, but I

-left him a letter. Because I thought it would be a quite good thing if

-what he wanted to ask me he would have to write down, instead of asking

-me, and he could not write it to me if I was in the same city that he

-is in. So I told him in my letter that I had to leave in five minute’s

-time because I found out that Dorothy was just on the verge of getting

-very unreformed, and if I did not get her away, all I had done for her

-would really go for nothing. So I told him to write down what he had to

-say to me, and mail it to me at the Ritz hotel in Buda Pest. Because I

-always seem to believe in the old addage, Say it in writing.

-

-So it was really very easy to get Mr. Eisman to leave Vienna, because

-yesterday he went out to see the button factory but it seems that all

-of the people at the button factory were not at work but they were

-giving a birthday party to some saint. So it seems that every time some

-saint has a birthday they all stop work so they can give it a birthday

-party. So Mr. Eisman looked at their calendar, and found out that some

-saint or other was born practically every week in the year. So he has

-decided that America is good enough for him.

-

-So Henry will not be able to follow me to Buda Pest because his mother

-is having treatments by Dr. Froyd and she seems to be a much more

-difficult case than I seem to be. I mean it is quite hard for Dr.

-Froyd, because she cannot seem to remember which is a dream and which

-really happened to her. So she tells him everything, and he has to use

-his judgement. I mean when she tells him that a very very handsome

-young gentleman tried to flirt with her on Fifth Avenue, he uses his

-judgement.

-

-So we will soon be at a Ritz hotel again and I must say it will be

-delightful to find a Ritz hotel right in the central of Europe.

-

-

-

-June 1st:

-

-Well yesterday Henrys letter came and it says in black and white that

-he and his mother have never met such a girl as I and he wants me to

-marry him. So I took Henrys letter to the photographers and I had quite

-a lot of photographs taken of it because a girl might lose Henrys

-letter and she would not have anything left to remember him by. But

-Dorothy says to hang on to Henry’s letter, because she really does not

-think the photographs do it justice.

-

-So this afternoon I got a telegram from Henry and the telegram says

-that Henry’s father is very, very ill in New York and they have got to

-leave for New York immediately and his heart is broken not to see me

-again and to send him my answer by telegraph so that his mind will be

-rested while he is going back to New York. So I sent him a telegram and

-I accepted his proposal. So tonight I got another telegram and Henry

-says that he and his mother are very very happy and Henrys mother can

-hardly bear Miss Chapman any more and Henry says he hopes I will decide

-to come right back to New York and keep his mother quite a lot of

-company, because he thinks I can reform Dorothy more in New York

-anyway, where there is prohibition and nobody can get anything to

-drink.

-

-So now I have got to make up my mind whether I really want to marry

-Henry after all. Because I know to much to get married to any gentleman

-like Henry without thinking it all over. Because Henry is the kind of a

-gentleman who gets on a girls nerves quite a lot and when a gentleman

-has nothing else to do but get on a girls nerves, there really seems to

-be a limit to almost everything. Because when a gentleman has a

-business, he has an office and he has to be there, but when a

-gentlemans business is only looking into other peoples business, a

-gentleman is always on the verge of coming in and out of the house. And

-a girl could not really say that her time was her own. And when Henry

-was not in and out of the house, his mother would always be in and out

-of the house because she seems to think that I am so full of nothing

-but sunshine. So it is quite a problem and I seem to be in quite a

-quarandary, because it might really be better if Henry should happen to

-decide that he should not get married, and he should change his mind,

-and desert a girl, and then it would only be right if a girl should sue

-him for a breach of promise.

-

-But I really think, whatever happens, that Dorothy and I had better get

-back to New York. So I will see if Mr. Eisman will send us back. I mean

-I really do not think that Mr. Eisman will mind us going back because

-if he does, I will start shopping again and that always seems to bring

-him to terms. But all the time I am going back to New York, I will have

-to try to make up my mind one way or another. Because we girls really

-can not help it, if we have ideals, and sometimes my mind seems to get

-to running on things that are romantic, and I seem to think that maybe

-there is some place in the world where there is a gentleman who knows

-how to look and act like Count Salm and who has got money besides. And

-when a girls mind gets to thinking about such a romantic thing, a girls

-mind really does not seem to know whether to marry Henry or not.

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-CHAPTER SIX

-

-BRAINS ARE REALLY EVERYTHING

-

-

-June 14th:

-

-Well, Dorothy and I arrived at New York yesterday because Mr. Eisman

-finally decided to send us home because he said that all of his button

-profession would not stand the strain of educating me much more in

-Europe. So we separated from Mr. Eisman in Buda Pest because Mr. Eisman

-had to go to Berlin to look up all of his starving relatives in Berlin,

-who have done nothing but starve since the War, so he wrote me just

-before we sailed and he said that he had dug up all his starving

-relatives and he had looked them all over, and decided not to bring

-them to America because there was not one of his starving relatives who

-could travel on a railroad ticket without paying excess fare for

-overweight.

-

-So Dorothy and I took the boat and all the way over on the boat I had

-to make up my mind whether I really wanted to marry the famous Henry H.

-Spoffard, or not, because he was waiting for me to arrive at New York

-and he was so impatient that he could hardly wait for me to arrive at

-New York. But I have not wasted all of my time on Henry, even if I do

-not marry him, because I have some letters from Henry which would come

-in very, very handy if I did not marry Henry. So Dorothy seems to agree

-with me quite a lot, because Dorothy says the only thing she could

-stand being to Henry, would be to be his widow at the age of 18.

-

-So coming over on the boat I decided not to bother to meet any

-gentleman, because what good does it do to meet gentlemen when there is

-nothing to do on a boat but go shopping at a little shop where they do

-not have any thing that costs more than five dollars. And besides if I

-did meet any gentleman on the boat, he would want to see me off the

-boat, and then we would bump into Henry. But then I heard that there

-was a gentleman on the boat who was quite a dealer in unset diamonds

-from a town called Amsterdam. So I met the gentleman, and we went

-around together quite a lot, but we had quite a quarrel the night

-before we landed, so I did not even bother to look at him when I came

-down the gangplank, and I put the unset diamonds in my handbag so I did

-not have to declare them at the customs.

-

-So Henry was waiting for me at the customs, because he had come up from

-Pennsylvania to meet me, because their country estate is at

-Pennsylvania, and Henry’s father is very, very ill at Pennsylvania, so

-Henry has to stay there practically all of the time. So all of the

-reporters were at the customs and they all heard about how Henry and I

-were engaged to one another and they wanted to know what I was before I

-became engaged to Henry, so I told them that I was nothing but a

-society girl from Little Rock, Arkansas. So then I became quite angry

-with Dorothy because one of the reporters asked Dorothy when I made my

-debut in society at Little Rock and Dorothy said I made my debut at the

-Elks annual street fair and carnival at the age of 15, I mean Dorothy

-never overlooks any chance to be unrefined, even when she is talking to

-literary gentlemen like reporters.

-

-So Henry brought me to the apartment in his Rolls Royce, and while we

-were coming to the apartment he said he wanted to give me my engagement

-ring and I really became all thrills. So he said that he had gone to

-Cartiers and he had looked over all the engagement rings in Cartiers

-and after he had looked them all over he had decided that they were not

-half good enough for me. So then he took a box out of his pocket and I

-really became intreeged. So then Henry said that when he looked at all

-of those large size diamonds he really felt that they did not have any

-sentiment, so he was going to give me his class ring from Amherst

-College insted. So then I looked at him and looked at him, but I am to

-full of self controle to say anything at this stage of the game, so I

-said it was really very sweet of him to be so full of nothing but

-sentiment.

-

-So then Henry said that he would have to go back to Pennsylvania to

-talk to his father about us getting married, because his father has

-really got his heart set on us not getting married. So I told Henry

-that perhaps if I would meet his father, I would win him over, because

-I always seem to win gentlemen over. But Henry says that that is just

-the trouble, because some girl is always winning his father over, and

-they hardly dare to let him go out of their sight, and they hardly dare

-let him go to church alone. Because the last time he went to church

-alone some girl won him over on the street corner and he arrived back

-home with all of his pocket money gone, and they could not believe him

-when he said that he had put it in the plate, because he has not put

-more than a dime in the plate for the last fifty years.

-

-So it seems that the real reason why his father does not want Henry to

-marry me, is because his father says that Henry always has all of the

-fun, and every time Henry’s father wants to have some fun of his own,

-Henry always stops him and Henry will not even let him be sick at a

-hospital where he could have some fun of his own, but he keeps him at

-home where he has to have a nurse Henry picked out for him who is a

-male nurse. So all of his objections seem to be nothing but the spirit

-of resiprosity. But Henry says that all his objections cannot last much

-longer because he is nearly 90 years of age after all, and Nature must

-take its course sooner or later.

-

-So Dorothy says what a fool I am to waste my time on Henry, when I

-might manage to meet Henry’s father and the whole thing would be over

-in a few months and I would practically own the state of Pennsylvania.

-But I do not think I ought to take Dorothy’s advise because Henry’s

-father is watched like a hawk and Henry himself is his Power of

-Attorney, so no good could really come of it after all. And, after all,

-why should I listen to the advise of a girl like Dorothy who travelled

-all over Europe and all she came home with was a bangle!

-

-So Henry spent the evening at the apartment and then he had to go back

-to Pennsylvania to be there Thursday morning, because every Thursday

-morning he belongs to a society who do nothing but senshure all of the

-photoplays. So they cut out all of the pieces out of all the photoplays

-that show things that are riskay, that people ought not to look at. So

-then they put all of the riskay pieces together and they run them over

-and over again. So it would really be quite a hard thing to drag Henry

-away from one of his Thursday mornings and he can hardly wait from one

-Thursday morning to another. Because he really does not seem to enjoy

-anything so much as senshuring photoplays and after a photoplay has

-once been senshured he seems to lose all of his interest in it.

-

-So after Henry left I held quite a conversation with Lulu, who is my

-maid who looked out for my apartment while I was away. So Lulu really

-thinks I ought to marry Mr. Spoffard after all, because Lulu says that

-she kept studying Mr. Spoffard all of the time she was unpacking my

-trunks, and Lulu says she is sure that any time I feel as if I had to

-get away from Mr. Spoffard I could just set him down on the floor, and

-give him a packet of riskay french postcards to senshure and stay away

-as long as I like.

-

-So Henry is going to arrange for me to come down to Pennsylvania for a

-week-end and meet all of his family. But if all of Henry’s family are

-as full of reforms as Henry seems to be, it will be quite an ordeal

-even for a girl like I.

-

-

-

-June 15th:

-

-Yesterday morning was quite an ordeal for a refined girl because all of

-the newspapers all printed the story of how Henry and I are engaged to

-one another, but they all seemed to leave out the part about me being a

-society girl except one newspaper, and that was the newspaper that

-quoted what Dorothy said about me being a debutant at the Elk’s

-Carnival. So I called up Dorothy at the Ritz and I told Dorothy that a

-girl like she ought to keep her mouth closed in the presents of

-reporters.

-

-So it seems that quite a lot of reporters kept calling Dorothy up but

-Dorothy said she really did not say anything to any of them except one

-reporter asked her what I used for money and she told him buttons. But

-Dorothy really should not have said such a thing, because quite a few

-people seem to know that Mr. Eisman is educating me and that he is

-known all over Chicago as Gus Eisman the Button King, so one thing

-might suggest another until people’s minds might begin to think

-something.

-

-But Dorothy said that she did not say anything more about me being a

-debutant at Little Rock, because after all Dorothy knows that I really

-did not make any debut in Little Rock, because just when it was time to

-make my debut, my gentleman friend Mr. Jennings became shot, and after

-the trial was over and all of the Jury had let me off, I was really

-much to fatigued to make any debut.

-

-So then Dorothy said, why don’t we throw a party now and you can become

-a debutant now and put them all in their place, because it seems that

-Dorothy is dying for a party. So that is really the first sensible

-suggestion that Dorothy has made yet, because I think that every girl

-who is engaged to a gentleman who has a fine old family like Henry, had

-really ought to be a debutant. So I told her to come right over and we

-would plan my debut but we would keep it very, very quiet and give it

-tomorrow night, because if Henry heard I was making my debut he would

-come up from Pennsylvania and he would practically spoil the party,

-because all Henry has to do to spoil a party is to arrive at it.

-

-So Dorothy came over and we planned my debut. So first we decided to

-have some engraved invitations engraved, but it always takes quite a

-little time to have invitations engraved, and it would really be

-foolish because all of the gentlemen we were going to invite to my

-debut were all members of the Racquet Club, so I could just write out a

-notice that I was having a debut and give it to Willie Gwynn and have

-Willie Gwynn post it on the Racquet Club board.

-

-So Willie Gwynn posted it on the club board and then he called me up

-and he told me that he had never seen so much enthusiasm since the

-Dempsey-Firpo fight, and he said that the whole Racquet Club would be

-there in a body. So then we had to plan about what girls we would ask

-to my debut. Because I have not seemed to meet so many society women

-yet because of course a girl does not meet society women until her

-debut is all over, and then all the society women all come and call on

-a debutant. But I know practically all of the society men, because

-practically all of the society men belong to the Racquet club, so after

-I have the Racquet Club at my debut, all I have to do to take my real

-place in society is to meet their mothers and sisters, because I know

-practically all of their sweethearts now.

-

-But I always seem to think that it is delightful to have quite a lot of

-girls at a party, if a girl has quite a lot of gentlemen at a party,

-and it is quite delightful to have all the girls from the Follies, but

-I really could not invite them because, after all, they are not in my

-set. So then I thought it all over and I thought that even if it was

-not etiquette to invite them to a party, it really would be etiquette

-to hire them to come to a party and be entertainers, and after they

-were entertainers they could mix in to the party and it really would

-not be a social error.

-

-So then the telephone rang and Dorothy answered it and it seems that it

-was Joe Sanguinetti, who is almost the official bootlegger for the

-whole Racquet Club, and Joe said he had heard about my debut and if he

-could come to my debut and bring his club which is the Silver Spray

-Social Club of Brooklyn, he would supply all of the liquor and he would

-guarantee to practically run the rum fleet up to the front door.

-

-So Dorothy told him he could come, and she hung up the telephone before

-she told me his proposition, and I became quite angry with Dorothy

-because, after all, the Silver Spray Social Club is not even mentioned

-in the Social Register and it has no place at a girl’s debut. But

-Dorothy said by the time the party got into swing, anyone would have to

-be a genius if he could tell whether he belonged to the Racquet Club,

-the Silver Spray Social Club, or the Knights of Pythias. But I really

-was almost sorry that I asked Dorothy to help plan my debut, except

-that Dorothy is very good to have at a party if the police come in,

-because Dorothy always knows how to manage the police, and I never knew

-a policeman yet who did not finish up by being madly in love with

-Dorothy. So then Dorothy called up all of the reporters on all of the

-newspapers and invited them all to my debut, so they could see it with

-their own eyes.

-

-So Dorothy says that she is going to see to it that my debut lands on

-the front page of all of the newspapers, if we have to commit a murder

-to do it.

-

-

-

-June 19th:

-

-Well, it has been three days since my debut party started but I finally

-got tired and left the party last night and went to bed because I

-always seem to lose all of my interest in a party after a few days, but

-Dorothy never loses her interest in a party and when I woke up this

-morning Dorothy was just saying goodbye to some of the guests. I mean

-Dorothy seems to have quite a lot of vitality, because the last guests

-of the party were guests we picked up when the party went to take a

-swim at Long Beach the day before yesterday, and they were practically

-fresh, but Dorothy had gone clear through the party from beginning to

-end without even stopping to go to a Turkish bath as most of the

-gentlemen had to do. So my debut has really been very novel, because

-quite a lot of the guests who finished up at my debut were not the same

-guests that started out at it, and it is really quite novel for a girl

-to have so many different kinds of gentlemen at her debut. So it has

-really been a very great success because all of the newspapers have

-quite a lot of write-ups about my debut and I really felt quite proud

-when I saw the front page of the Daily Views and it said in large size

-headlines, “LORELEI’S DEBUT A WOW!” And Zits’ Weekly came right out and

-said that if this party marks my entrance into society, they only hope

-that they can live to see what I will spring once I have overcome my

-debutant reserve and taken my place in the world.

-

-So I really had to apologise to Dorothy about asking Joe Sanguinetti to

-my debut because it was wonderful the way he got all of the liquor to

-the party and he more than kept his word. I mean he had his bootleggers

-run up from the wharf in taxis, right to the apartment, and the only

-trouble he had was, that once the bootleggers delivered the liquor, he

-could not get them to leave the party. So finally there was quite a

-little quarrel because Willie Gwynn claimed that Joe’s bootleggers were

-snubbing the members of his club because they would not let the boys

-from the Racquet club sing in their quartet. But Joe’s bootleggers said

-that the Racquet club boys wanted to sing songs that were unrefined,

-while they wanted to sing songs about Mother. So then everybody started

-to take sides, but the girls from the Follies were all with Joe’s

-bootleggers from the start because practically all we girls were

-listening to them with tears steaming from our eyes. So that made the

-Racquet club jealous and one thing led to another until somebody rang

-for an ambulants and then the police came in.

-

-So Dorothy, as usual, won over all of the police. So it seems that the

-police all have orders from Judge Schultzmeyer, who is the famous judge

-who tries all of the prohibition cases, that any time they break into a

-party that looks like it was going to be a good party, to call him up

-no matter what time of the day or night it is, because Judge

-Schultzmeyer dearly loves a party. So the Police called up Judge

-Schultzmeyer and he was down in less than no time. So during the party

-both Joe Sanguinetti and Judge Schultzmeyer fell madly in love with

-Dorothy. So Joe and the Judge had quite a little quarrel and the Judge

-told Joe that if his stuff was fit to drink he would set the Law after

-him and confiscate it, but his stuff was not worth the while of any

-gentleman to confiscate who had any respect for his stomach, and he

-would not lower himself to confiscate it. So along about nine o’clock

-in the morning Judge Schultzmeyer had to leave the party and go to

-court to try all of the criminals who break all of the laws, so he had

-to leave Dorothy and Joe together and he was very very angry. And I

-really felt quite sorry for any person who went up before Judge

-Schultzmeyer that morning, because he gave everybody 90 days and was

-back at the party by twelve o’clock. So then he stuck to the party

-until we were all going down to Long Beach to take a swim day before

-yesterday when he seemed to become unconscious, so we dropped him off

-at a sanitorium in Garden City.

-

-So my debut party was really the greatest success of the social season,

-because the second night of my debut party was the night when Willie

-Gwynn’s sister was having a dance at the Gwynn estate on Long Island,

-and Willie Gwynn said that all of the eligible gentlemen in New York

-were conspicuous by their absents at his sister’s party, because they

-were all at my party. So it seems as if I am really going to be quite a

-famous hostess if I can just bring my mind to the point of being Mrs.

-Henry Spoffard Jr.

-

-Well Henry called up this morning and Henry said he had finally got his

-father’s mind so that he thought it was safe for me to meet him and he

-was coming up to get me this afternoon so that I can meet his family

-and see his famous old historical home at Pennsylvania. So then he

-asked about my debut party which some of the Philadelphia papers seemed

-to mention. But I told him that my debut was really not so much

-planned, as it was spontaneous, and I did not have the heart to call

-him up at a moments notice and take him away from his father at such a

-time for reasons which were nothing but social.

-

-So now I am getting ready to visit Henry’s family and I feel as if my

-whole future depends on it. Because if I can not stand Henry’s family

-any more than I can stand Henry the whole thing will probly come to an

-end in the law court.

-

-

-

-June 21st:

-

-Well, I am now spending the weekend with Henry’s family at his old

-family mansion outside of Philadelphia, and I am beginning to think,

-after all, that there is something else in the world besides family.

-And I am beginning to think that family life is only fit for those who

-can stand it. For instants, they always seem to get up very early in

-Henry’s family. I mean it really is not so bad to get up early when

-there is something to get up early about, but when a girl gets up early

-and there is nothing to get up early about, it really begins to seem as

-if there was no sense to it.

-

-So yesterday we all got up early and that was when I met all of Henry’s

-family, because Henry and I motored down to Pennsylvania and everybody

-was in bed when we arrived because it was after nine o’clock. So in the

-morning Henry’s mother came to my room to get me up in time for

-breakfast because Henry’s mother is very very fond of me, and she

-always wants to copy all of my gowns and she always loves to look

-through all of my things to see what I have got. So she found a box of

-liqueur candies that are full of liqueurs and she was really very

-delighted. So I finally got dressed and she threw the empty box away

-and I helped her down stairs to the Dining room.

-

-So Henry was waiting in the dining room with his sister and that was

-when I met his sister. So it seems that Henry’s sister has never been

-the same since the war, because she never had on a man’s collar and a

-necktie until she drove an ambulants in the war, and now they cannot

-get her to take them off. Because ever since the armistice Henry’s

-sister seems to have the idea that regular womens clothes are

-effiminate. So Henry’s sister seems to think of nothing but either

-horses or automobiles and when she is not in a garage the only other

-place she is happy in is a stable. I mean she really pays very little

-attention to all of her family and she seems to pay less attention to

-Henry than anybody else because she seems to have the idea that Henry’s

-brains are not so viril. So then we all waited for Henry’s father to

-come in so that he could read the Bible out loud before breakfast.

-

-So then something happened that really was a miracle. Because it seems

-that Henry’s father has practically lived in a wheel chair for months

-and months and his male nurse has to wheel him everywhere. So his male

-nurse wheeled him into the dining room in his wheel chair and then

-Henry said “Father, this is going to be your little daughter in law,”

-and Henry’s father took one good look at me and got right out of his

-wheel chair and walked! So then everybody was very very surprised, but

-Henry was not so surprised because Henry knows his father like a book.

-So then they all tried to calm his father down, and his father tried to

-read out of the Bible but he could hardly keep his mind on the Bible

-and he could hardly eat a bite because when a gentleman is as feeble as

-Henry’s father is, he cannot keep one eye on a girl and the other eye

-on his cereal and cream without coming to grief. So Henry finally

-became quite discouradged and he told his father he would have to get

-back to his room or he would have a relapse. So then the male nurse

-wheeled him back to his room and it really was pathetic because he

-cried like a baby. So I got to thinking over what Dorothy advised me

-about Henry’s father and I really got to thinking that if Henry’s

-father could only get away from everybody and have some time of his

-own, Dorothy’s advise might not be so bad after all.

-

-So after breakfast we all got ready to go to church, but Henry’s sister

-does not go to church because Henry’s sister always likes to spend

-every Sunday in the garage taking their Ford farm truck apart and

-putting it back together again, and Henry says that what the war did to

-a girl like his sister is really worse than the war itself.

-

-So then Henry and his mother and I all went to church. So we came home

-from church and we had luncheon and it seems that luncheon is

-practically the same as breakfast except that Henry’s father could not

-come down to luncheon because after he met me he contracted such a

-vialent fever that they had to send for the Doctor.

-

-So in the afternoon Henry went to prayer meeting and I was left alone

-with Henry’s mother so that we could rest up so that we could go to

-church again after supper. So Henry’s mother thinks I am nothing but

-sunshine and she will hardly let me get out of her sight, because she

-hates to be by herself because, when she is by herself, her brains

-hardly seem to work at all. So she loves to try on all of my hats and

-she loves to tell me how all the boys in the choir can hardly keep

-their eyes off her. So of course a girl has to agree with her, and it

-is quite difficult to agree with a person when you have to do it

-through an ear trumpet because sooner or later your voice has to give

-out.

-

-So then supper turned out to be practically the same thing as luncheon

-only by supper time all of the novelty seemed to wear off. So then I

-told Henry that I had to much of a headache to go to church again, so

-Henry and his mother went to church and I went to my room and I sat

-down and thought and I decided that life was really to short to spend

-it in being proud of your family, even if they did have a great deal of

-money. So the best thing for me to do is to think up some scheme to

-make Henry decide not to marry me and take what I can get out of it and

-be satisfied.

-

-

-

-June 22nd:

-

-Well, yesterday I made Henry put me on the train at Philadelphia and I

-made him stay at Philadelphia so he could be near his father if his

-father seemed to take any more relapses. So I sat in my drawing room on

-the train and I decided that the time had come to get rid of Henry at

-any cost. So I decided that the thing that discouradges gentlemen more

-than anything else is shopping. Because even Mr. Eisman, who was

-practically born for we girls to shop on, and who knows just what to

-expect, often gets quite discouradged over all of my shopping. So I

-decided I would get to New York and I would go to Cartiers and run up

-quite a large size bill on Henry’s credit, because after all our

-engagement has been announced in all of the newspapers, and Henry’s

-credit is really my credit.

-

-So while I was thinking it all over there was a knock on the drawing

-room door, so I told him to come in and it was a gentleman who said he

-had seen me quite a lot in New York and he had always wanted to have an

-introduction to me, because we had quite a lot of friends who were

-common. So then he gave me his card and his name was on his card and it

-was Mr. Gilbertson Montrose and his profession is a senario writer. So

-then I asked him to sit down and we held a literary conversation.

-

-So I really feel as if yesterday was a turning point in my life,

-because at last I have met a gentleman who is not only an artist but

-who has got brains besides. I mean he is the kind of a gentleman that a

-girl could sit at his feet and listen to for days and days and nearly

-always learn something or other. Because, after all, there is nothing

-that gives a girl more of a thrill than brains in a gentleman,

-especially after a girl has been spending the week end with Henry. So

-Mr. Montrose talked and talked all of the way to New York and I sat

-there and did nothing else but listen. So according to Mr. Montrose’s

-opinion Shakespear is a very great playwrite, and he thinks that Hamlet

-is quite a famous tragedy and as far as novels are concerned he

-believes that nearly everybody had ought to read Dickens. And when we

-got on the subject of poetry he recited “The Shooting of Dan McGrew”

-until you could almost hear the gun go off.

-

-And then I asked Mr. Montrose to tell me all about himself. So it seems

-that Mr. Montrose was on his way home from Washington D. C., where he

-went to see the Bulgarian Ambassadore to see if he could get Bulgaria

-to finance a senario he has written which is a great historical subject

-which is founded on the sex life of Dolly Madison. So it seems that Mr.

-Montrose has met quite a lot of Bulgarians in a Bulgarian restaurant on

-Lexington Avenue and that was what gave him the idea to get the money

-from Bulgaria. Because Mr. Montrose said that he could fill his senario

-full of Bulgarian propoganda, and he told the Bulgarian Ambassadore

-that every time he realised how ignorant all of the American film fans

-were on the subject of Bulgaria, it made him flinch.

-

-So I told Mr. Montrose that it made me feel very very small to talk to

-a gentleman like he, who knew so much about Bulgaria, because

-practically all I knew about Bulgaria was Zoolack. So Mr. Montrose said

-that the Bulgarian Ambassadore did not seem to think that Dolly Madison

-had so much about her that was pertinent to present day Bulgaria, but

-Mr. Montrose explained to him that that was because he knew practically

-nothing about dramatic construction. Because Mr. Montrose said he could

-fix his senario so that Dolly Madison would have one lover who was a

-Bulgarian, who wanted to marry her. So then Dolly Madison would get to

-wondering what her great, great grandchildren would be like if she

-married a Bulgarian, and then she could sit down and have a vision of

-Bulgaria in 1925. So that was when Mr. Montrose would take a trip to

-Bulgaria to photograph the vision. But the Bulgarian Ambassadore turned

-down the whole proposition, but he gave Mr. Montrose quite a large size

-bottle of the Bulgarian national drink. So the Bulgarian national drink

-looks like nothing so much as water, and it really does not taste so

-strong, but about five minutes afterwards you begin to realise your

-mistake. But I thought to myself that if realizing my mistake could

-make me forget what I went through in Pennsylvania, I really owed it to

-myself to forget everything. So then we had another drink.

-

-So then Mr. Montrose told me that he had quite a hard time getting

-along in the motion picture profession, because all of his senarios are

-all over their head. Because when Mr. Montrose writes about sex, it is

-full of sychology, but when everybody else writes about it, it is full

-of nothing but transparent negligays and ornamental bath tubs. And Mr.

-Montrose says that there is no future in the motion pictures until the

-motion pictures get their sex motives straightened out, and realize

-that a woman of 25 can have just as many sex problems as a flapper of

-16. Because Mr. Montrose likes to write about women of the world, and

-he refuses to have women of the world played by small size girls of 15

-who know nothing about life and who have not even been in the detention

-home.

-

-So we both arrived in New York before we realized it, and I got to

-thinking how the same trip with Henry in his Rolls Royce seemed like

-about 24 hours, and that was what gave me the idea that money was not

-everything, because after all, it is only brains that count. So Mr.

-Montrose took me home and we are going to have luncheon together at the

-Primrose Tea room practically every day and keep right on holding

-literary conversations.

-

-So then I had to figure out how to get rid of Henry and at the same

-time not do anything that would make me any trouble later. So I sent

-for Dorothy because Dorothy is not so good at intreeging a gentleman

-with money, but she ought to be full of ideas on how to get rid of one.

-

-So at first Dorothy said, Why didn’t I take a chance and marry Henry

-because she had an idea that if Henry married me he would commit

-suicide about two weeks later. But I told her about my plan to do quite

-a lot of shopping, and I told her that I would send for Henry and I

-would manage it so that I would not be in the apartment when he came,

-but she could be there and start a conversation with him and she could

-tell him about all of my shopping and how extravagant I seemed to be

-and he would be in the poor house in less than a year if he married me.

-

-So Dorothy said for me to take one farewell look at Henry and leave him

-to her, because the next time I saw him would be in the witness box and

-I might not even recognize him because she would throw a scare into him

-that might change his whole physical appearance. So I decided to leave

-him in the hands of Dorothy and hope for the best.

-

-

-

-July 10th:

-

-Well, last month was really almost a diary in itself, and I have to

-begin to realize that I am one of the kind of girls that things happen

-to. And I have to admit, after all, that life is really wonderful.

-Because so much has happened in the last few weeks that it almost makes

-a girl’s brains whirl.

-

-I mean in the first place I went shopping at Cartiers and bought quite

-a delightful square cut emerald and quite a long rope of pearls on

-Henry’s credit. So then I called up Henry on the long distants

-telephone and told him that I wanted to see him quite a lot, so he was

-very very pleased and he said that he would come right up to New York.

-

-So then I told Dorothy to come to the apartment and be there when Henry

-came, and to show Henry what I bought on his credit, and to tell him

-how extravagant I seem to be, and how I seem to keep on getting worse.

-So I told Dorothy to go as far as she liked, so long as she did not

-insinuate anything against my character, because the more spotless my

-character seems to be, the better things might turn out later. So Henry

-was due at the apartment about 1.20, so I had Lulu get some luncheon

-for he and Dorothy and I told Dorothy to tell him that I had gone out

-to look at the Russian Crown Jewels that some Russian Grand Duchess or

-other had for sale at the Ritz.

-

-So then I went to the Primrose Tea Room to have luncheon with Mr.

-Montrose because Mr. Montrose loves to tell me of all his plans, and he

-says that I seem to remind him quite a lot of a girl called Madame

-Recamier who all the intelectual gentlemen used to tell all of their

-plans to, even when there was a French revolution going on all around

-them.

-

-So Mr. Montrose and I had a delicious luncheon, except that I never

-seem to notice what I am eating when I am with Mr. Montrose because

-when Mr. Montrose talks a girl wants to do nothing but listen. But all

-of the time I was listening, I was thinking about Dorothy and I was

-worrying for fear Dorothy would go to far, and tell Henry something

-that would not be so good for me afterwards. So finally even Mr.

-Montrose seemed to notice it, and he said “What’s the matter little

-woman, a penny for your thoughts.”

-

-So then I told him everything. So he seemed to think quite a lot and

-finally he said to me “It is really to bad that you feel as if the

-social life of Mr. Spoffard bored you, because Mr. Spoffard would be

-ideal to finance my senario.” So then Mr. Montrose said that he had

-been thinking from the very first how ideal I would be to play Dolly

-Madison. So that started me thinking and I told Mr. Montrose that I

-expected to have quite a large size ammount of money later on, and I

-would finance it myself. But Mr. Montrose said that would be to late,

-because all of the motion picture corporations were after it now, and

-it would be snaped up almost immediately.

-

-So then I became almost in a panick, because I suddenly decided that if

-I married Henry and worked in the motion pictures at the same time,

-society life with Henry would not really be so bad. Because if a girl

-was so busy as all that, it really would not seem to matter so much if

-she had to stand Henry when she was not busy. But then I realized what

-Dorothy was up to, and I told Mr. Montrose that I was almost afraid it

-was to late. So I hurried to the telephone and I called up Dorothy at

-the apartment and I asked her what she had said to Henry. So Dorothy

-said that she showed him the square cut emerald and told him that I

-bought it as a knick-knack to go with a green dress, but I had got a

-spot on the dress, so I was going to give them both to Lulu. So she

-said she showed him the pearls and she said that after I had bought

-them, I was sorry I did not get pink ones because white ones were so

-common, so I was going to have Lulu unstring them and sew them on a

-negligay. So then she told him she was rather sorry I meant to buy the

-Russian Crown jewels because she had a feeling they were unlucky, but

-that I had said to her, that if I found out they were, I could toss

-them over my left shoulder into the Hudson river some night when there

-was a new moon, and it would take away the curse.

-

-So then she said that Henry began to get restless. So then she told him

-she was very glad I was going to get married at last because I had had

-such bad luck, that every time I became engaged something seemed to

-happen to my fiance. So Henry asked her what, for instance. So Dorothy

-said a couple were in the insane asylum, one had shot himself for debt,

-and the county farm was taking care of the remainder. So Henry asked

-her how they got that way. So Dorothy told him it was nothing but my

-extravagants, and she told him that she was surprised that he had never

-heard about it, because all I had to do was to take luncheon at the

-Ritz with some prominent broker and the next day the bottom would drop

-out of the market. And she told him that she did not want to insinuate

-anything, but that I had dined with a very, very prominent German the

-day before German marks started to colapse.

-

-So I became almost frantic and I told Dorothy to hold Henry at the

-apartment until I could get up there and explain. So I held the

-telephone while Dorothy went to see if Henry would wait. So Dorothy

-came back in a minute and she said that the parlor was empty, but that

-if I would hurry down to Broadway no doubt I would see a cloud of dust

-heading towards the Pennsylvania station, and that would be Henry.

-

-So then I went back to Mr. Montrose, and I told him that I must catch

-Henry at the Pennsylvania Station at any cost. And if anyone were to

-say that we left the Primrose tea room in a hurry, they would be

-putting it quite mildly. So we got to the Pennsylvania station and I

-just had time to get on board the train to Philadelphia and I left Mr.

-Montrose standing at the train biting his finger nails in all of his

-anxiety. But I called out to him to go to his Hotel and I would

-telephone the result as soon as the train arrived.

-

-So then I went through the train, and there was Henry with a look on

-his face which I shall never forget. So when he saw me he really seemed

-to shrink to ½ his natural size. So I sat down beside him and I told

-him that I was really ashamed of how he acted, and if his love for me

-could not stand a little test that I and Dorothy had thought up, more

-in the spirit of fun than anything else, I never wanted to speak to

-such a gentleman again. And I told him that if he could not tell the

-difference between a real square cut emerald and one from the ten cent

-store, that he had ought to be ashamed of himself. And I told him that

-if he thought that every string of white beads were pearls, it was no

-wonder he could make such a mistake in judging the character of a girl.

-So then I began to cry because of all of Henry’s lack of faith. So then

-he tried to cheer me up but I was to hurt to even give him a decent

-word until we were past Newark. But by the time we were past Newark,

-Henry was crying himself, and it always makes me feel so tender hearted

-to listen to a gentleman cry that I finally forgave him. So, of course,

-as soon as I got home I had to take them back to Cartiers.

-

-So then I explained to Henry how I wanted our life to mean something

-and I wanted to make the World a better place than it seemed to have

-been yet. And I told him that he knew so much about the film profession

-on account of senshuring all of the films that I thought he had ought

-to go into the film profession. Because I told him that a gentleman

-like he really owed it to the world to make pure films so that he could

-be an example to all of the other film corporations and show the world

-what pure films were like. So Henry became very, very intreeged because

-he had never thought of the film profession before. So then I told him

-that we could get H. Gilbertson Montrose to write the senarios, and he

-to senshure them, and I could act in them and by the time we all got

-through, they would be a work of art. But they would even be purer than

-most works of art seem to be. So by the time we got to Philadelphia

-Henry said that he would do it, but he really did not think I had ought

-to act in them. But I told him from what I had seen of society women

-trying to break into the films, I did not believe that it would be so

-declasée if one of them really landed. So I even talked him into that.

-

-So when we got to Henry’s country estate, we told all of Henry’s family

-and they were all delighted. Because it is the first time since the war

-that Henry’s family have had anything definite to put their minds on. I

-mean Henry’s sister really jumped at the idea because she said she

-would take charge of the studio trucks and keep them at a bed-rock

-figure. So I even promised Henry’s mother that she could act in the

-films. I mean I even believe that we could put in a close-up of her

-from time to time, because after all, nearly every photoplay has to

-have some comedy relief. And I promised Henry’s father that we would

-wheel him through the studio and let him look at all of the actresses

-and he nearly had another relapse. So then I called up Mr. Montrose and

-made an appointment with him to meet Henry and talk it all over, and

-Mr. Montrose, said, “Bless you, little woman.”

-

-So I am almost beginning to believe it, when everybody says I am

-nothing but sunshine because everybody I come into contract with always

-seems to become happy. I mean with the exception of Mr. Eisman. Because

-when I got back to New York, I opened all of his cablegrams and I

-realized that he was due to arrive on the Aquitania the very next day.

-So I met him at the Aquitania and I took him to luncheon at the Ritz

-and I told him all about everything. So then he became very, very

-depressed because he said that just as soon as he had got me all

-educated, I had to go off and get married. But I told him that he

-really ought to be very proud of me, because in the future, when he

-would see me at luncheon at the Ritz as the wife of the famous Henry H.

-Spoffard, I would always bow to him, if I saw him, and he could point

-me out to all of his friends and tell them that it was he, Gus Eisman

-himself, who educated me up to my station. So that cheered Mr. Eisman

-up a lot and I really do not care what he says to his friends, because,

-after all, his friends are not in my set, and whatever he says to them

-will not get around in my circle. So after our luncheon was all over, I

-really think that, even if Mr. Eisman was not so happy, he could not

-help having a sort of a feeling of relief, especially when he thinks of

-all my shopping.

-

-So after that came my wedding and all of the Society people in New York

-and Philadelphia came to my wedding and they were all so sweet to me,

-because practically every one of them has written a senario. And

-everybody says my wedding was very, very beautiful. I mean even Dorothy

-said it was very beautiful, only Dorothy said she had to concentrate

-her mind on the massacre of the Armenians to keep herself from laughing

-right out loud in everybody’s face. But that only shows that not even

-Matrimony is sacred to a girl like Dorothy. And after the wedding was

-over, I overheard Dorothy talking to Mr. Montrose and she was telling

-Mr. Montrose that she thought that I would be great in the movies if he

-would write me a part that only had three expressions, Joy, Sorrow, and

-Indigestion. So I do not really believe that Dorothy is such a true

-friend after all.

-

-So Henry and I did not go on any honeymoon because I told Henry that it

-really would be selfish for us to go off alone together, when all of

-our activities seemed to need us so much. Because, after all, I have to

-spend quite a lot of time with Mr. Montrose going over the senario

-together because, Mr. Montrose says I am full of nothing so much as

-ideas.

-

-So, in order to give Henry something to do while Mr. Montrose and I are

-working on the senario I got Henry to organize a Welfare League among

-all of the extra girls and get them to tell him all of their problems

-so he can give them all of his spiritual aid. And it has really been a

-very, very great success, because there is not much work going on at

-the other studios at present so all of the extra girls have nothing

-better to do and they all know that Henry will not give them a job at

-our studio unless they belong. So the worse they tell Henry they have

-been before they met him, the better he likes it and Dorothy says that

-she was at the studio yesterday and she says that if the senarios those

-extra girls have written around themselves to tell Henry could only be

-screened and gotten past the sensors, the movies would move right up

-out of their infancy.

-

-So Henry says that I have opened up a whole new world for him and he

-has never been so happy in his life. And it really seems as if everyone

-I know has never been so happy in their lives. Because I make Henry let

-his father come to the studio every day because, after all, every

-studio has to have somebody who seems to be a pest, and in our case it

-might just as well be Henry’s father. So I have given orders to all of

-the electricians not to drop any lights on him, but to let him have a

-good time because, after all, it is the first one he has had. And as

-far as Henry’s mother is concerned, she is having her hair bobbed and

-her face lifted and getting ready to play Carmen because she saw a girl

-called Madam Calve play it when she was on her honeymoon and she has

-always really felt that she could do it better. So I do not discouradge

-her, but I let her go ahead and enjoy herself. But I am not going to

-bother to speak to the electricians about Henry’s mother. And Henry’s

-sister has never been so happy since the Battle of Verdun, because she

-has six trucks and 15 horses to look after and she says that the motion

-picture profession is the nearest thing to war that she has struck

-since the Armistice. And even Dorothy is very happy because Dorothy

-says that she has had more laughs this month than Eddie Cantor gets in

-a year. But when it comes to Mr. Montrose, I really believe that he is

-happier than anybody else, because of all of the understanding and

-sympathy he seems to get out of me.

-

-And so I am very happy myself because, after all, the greatest thing in

-life is to always be making everybody else happy. And so, while

-everybody is so happy, I really think it is a good time to finish my

-diary because after all, I am to busy going over my senarios with Mr.

-Montrose, to keep up any other kind of literary work. And I am so busy

-bringing sunshine into the life of Henry that I really think, with

-everything else I seem to acomplish, it is all a girl had ought to try

-to do. And so I really think that I can say good-bye to my diary

-feeling that, after all, everything always turns out for the best.

-

-

-

-                                  THE END

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 66829 ***
+
+                       “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes”
+             The Illuminating Diary of a Professional Lady
+
+                                   By
+                               Anita Loos
+
+                       Intimately Illustrated by
+                              RALPH BARTON
+
+
+
+                                NEW YORK
+                            BONI & LIVERIGHT
+                                  1925
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+                                   To
+                              JOHN EMERSON
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+        CHAPTER                                 PAGE
+
+        I.      Gentlemen Prefer Blondes          11
+        II.     Fate Keeps on Happening           39
+        III.    London Is Really Nothing          63
+        IV.     Paris Is Devine                   93
+        V.      The Central of Europe            131
+        VI.     Brains Are Really Everything     175
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES
+
+
+CHAPTER ONE
+
+GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES
+
+
+March 16th:
+
+A gentleman friend and I were dining at the Ritz last evening and he
+said that if I took a pencil and a paper and put down all of my
+thoughts it would make a book. This almost made me smile as what it
+would really make would be a whole row of encyclopediacs. I mean I seem
+to be thinking practically all of the time. I mean it is my favorite
+recreation and sometimes I sit for hours and do not seem to do anything
+else but think. So this gentleman said a girl with brains ought to do
+something else with them besides think. And he said he ought to know
+brains when he sees them, because he is in the senate and he spends
+quite a great deal of time in Washington, d. c., and when he comes into
+contract with brains he always notices it. So it might have all blown
+over but this morning he sent me a book. And so when my maid brought it
+to me, I said to her, “Well, Lulu, here is another book and we have not
+read half the ones we have got yet.” But when I opened it and saw that
+it was all a blank I remembered what my gentleman acquaintance said,
+and so then I realized that it was a diary. So here I am writing a book
+instead of reading one.
+
+But now it is the 16th of March and of course it is to late to begin
+with January, but it does not matter as my gentleman friend, Mr.
+Eisman, was in town practically all of January and February, and when
+he is in town one day seems to be practically the same as the next day.
+
+I mean Mr. Eisman is in the wholesale button profession in Chicago and
+he is the gentleman who is known practically all over Chicago as Gus
+Eisman the Button King. And he is the gentleman who is interested in
+educating me, so of course he is always coming down to New York to see
+how my brains have improved since the last time. But when Mr. Eisman is
+in New York we always seem to do the same thing and if I wrote down one
+day in my diary, all I would have to do would be to put quotation marks
+for all other days. I mean we always seem to have dinner at the Colony
+and see a show and go to the Trocadero and then Mr. Eisman shows me to
+my apartment. So of course when a gentleman is interested in educating
+a girl, he likes to stay and talk about the topics of the day until
+quite late, so I am quite fatigued the next day and I do not really get
+up until it is time to dress for dinner at the Colony.
+
+It would be strange if I turn out to be an authoress. I mean at my home
+near Little Rock, Arkansas, my family all wanted me to do something
+about my music. Because all of my friends said I had talent and they
+all kept after me and kept after me about practising. But some way I
+never seemed to care so much about practising. I mean I simply could
+not sit for hours and hours at a time practising just for the sake of a
+career. So one day I got quite tempermental and threw the old mandolin
+clear across the room and I have really never touched it since. But
+writing is different because you do not have to learn or practise and
+it is more tempermental because practising seems to take all the
+temperment out of me. So now I really almost have to smile because I
+have just noticed that I have written clear across two pages onto March
+18th, so this will do for today and tomorrow. And it just shows how
+tempermental I am when I get started.
+
+
+
+March 19th:
+
+Well last evening Dorothy called up and Dorothy said she has met a
+gentleman who gave himself an introduction to her in the lobby of the
+Ritz. So then they went to luncheon and tea and dinner and then they
+went to a show and then they went to the Trocadero. So Dorothy said his
+name was Lord Cooksleigh but what she really calls him is Coocoo. So
+Dorothy said why don’t you and I and Coocoo go to the Follies tonight
+and bring Gus along if he is in town? So then Dorothy and I had quite a
+little quarrel because every time that Dorothy mentions the subject of
+Mr. Eisman she calls Mr. Eisman by his first name, and she does not
+seem to realize that when a gentleman who is as important as Mr.
+Eisman, spends quite a lot of money educating a girl, it really does
+not show reverance to call a gentleman by his first name. I mean I
+never even think of calling Mr. Eisman by his first name, but if I want
+to call him anything at all, I call him “Daddy” and I do not even call
+him “Daddy” if a place seems to be public. So I told Dorothy that Mr.
+Eisman would not be in town until day after tomorrow. So then Dorothy
+and Coocoo came up and we went to the Follies.
+
+So this morning Coocoo called up and he wanted me to luncheon at the
+Ritz. I mean these foreigners really have quite a nerve. Just because
+Coocoo is an Englishman and a Lord he thinks a girl can waste hours on
+him just for a luncheon at the Ritz, when all he does is talk about
+some exposition he went on to a place called Tibet and after talking
+for hours I found out that all they were was a lot of Chinamen. So I
+will be quite glad to see Mr. Eisman when he gets in. Because he always
+has something quite interesting to talk about, as for instants the last
+time he was here he presented me with quite a beautiful emerald
+bracelet. So next week is my birthday and he always has some delightful
+surprise on holidays.
+
+I did intend to luncheon at the Ritz with Dorothy today and of course
+Coocoo had to spoil it, as I told him that I could not luncheon with
+him today, because my brother was in town on business and had the
+mumps, so I really could not leave him alone. Because of course if I
+went to the Ritz now I would bump into Coocoo. But I sometimes almost
+have to smile at my own imagination, because of course I have not got
+any brother and I have not even thought of the mumps for years. I mean
+it is no wonder that I can write.
+
+So the reason I thought I would take luncheon at the Ritz was because
+Mr. Chaplin is at the Ritz and I always like to renew old
+acquaintances, because I met Mr. Chaplin once when we were both working
+on the same lot in Hollywood and I am sure he would remember me.
+Gentlemen always seem to remember blondes. I mean the only career I
+would like to be besides an authoress is a cinema star and I was doing
+quite well in the cinema when Mr. Eisman made me give it all up.
+Because of course when a gentleman takes such a friendly interest in
+educating a girl as Mr. Eisman does, you like to show that you
+appreciate it, and he is against a girl being in the cinema because his
+mother is authrodox.
+
+
+
+March 20th:
+
+Mr. Eisman gets in tomorrow to be here in time for my birthday. So I
+thought it would really be delightful to have at least one good time
+before Mr. Eisman got in, so last evening I had some literary gentlemen
+in to spend the evening because Mr. Eisman always likes me to have
+literary people in and out of the apartment. I mean he is quite anxious
+for a girl to improve her mind and his greatest interest in me is
+because I always seem to want to improve my mind and not waste any
+time. And Mr. Eisman likes me to have what the French people call a
+“salo” which means that people all get together in the evening and
+improve their minds. So I invited all of the brainy gentlemen I could
+think up. So I thought up a gentleman who is the proffessor of all of
+the economics up at Columbia College, and the editor who is the famous
+editor of the New York Transcript and another gentleman who is a famous
+playright who writes very, very famous plays that are all about Life. I
+mean anybody would recognize his name but it always seems to slip my
+memory because all of we real friends of his only call him Sam. So Sam
+asked if he could bring a gentleman who writes novels from England, so
+I said yes, so he brought him. And then we all got together and I
+called up Gloria and Dorothy and the gentleman brought their own
+liquor. So of course the place was a wreck this morning and Lulu and I
+worked like proverbial dogs to get it cleaned up, but Heaven knows how
+long it will take to get the chandelier fixed.
+
+
+
+March 22nd:
+
+Well my birthday has come and gone but it was really quite depressing.
+I mean it seems to me a gentleman who has a friendly interest in
+educating a girl like Gus Eisman, would want her to have the biggest
+square cut diamond in New York. I mean I must say I was quite
+disappointed when he came to the apartment with a little thing you
+could hardly see. So I told him I thought it was quite cute, but I had
+quite a headache and I had better stay in a dark room all day and I
+told him I would see him the next day, perhaps. Because even Lulu
+thought it was quite small and she said, if she was I, she really would
+do something definite and she said she always believed in the old
+addage, “Leave them while you’re looking good.” But he came in at
+dinner time with really a very very beautiful bracelet of square cut
+diamonds so I was quite cheered up. So then we had dinner at the Colony
+and we went to a show and supper at the Trocadero as usual whenever he
+is in town. But I will give him credit that he realized how small it
+was. I mean he kept talking about how bad business was and the button
+profession was full of bolshevicks who make nothing but trouble.
+Because Mr. Eisman feels that the country is really on the verge of the
+bolshevicks and I become quite worried. I mean if the bolshevicks do
+get in, there is only one gentleman who could handle them and that is
+Mr. D. W. Griffith. Because I will never forget when Mr. Griffith was
+directing Intolerance. I mean it was my last cinema just before Mr.
+Eisman made me give up my career and I was playing one of the girls
+that fainted at the battle when all of the gentlemen fell off the
+tower. And when I saw how Mr. Griffith handled all of those mobs in
+Intolerance I realized that he could do anything, and I really think
+that the government of America ought to tell Mr. Griffith to get all
+ready if the bolshevicks start to do it.
+
+Well I forgot to mention that the English gentleman who writes novels
+seems to have taken quite an interest in me, as soon as he found out
+that I was literary. I mean he has called up every day and I went to
+tea twice with him. So he has sent me a whole complete set of books for
+my birthday by a gentleman called Mr. Conrad. They all seem to be about
+ocean travel although I have not had time to more than glance through
+them. I have always liked novels about ocean travel ever since I posed
+for Mr. Christie for the front cover of a novel about ocean travel by
+McGrath because I always say that a girl never really looks as well as
+she does on board a steamship, or even a yacht.
+
+So the English gentleman’s name is Mr. Gerald Lamson as those who have
+read his novels would know. And he also sent me some of his own novels
+and they all seem to be about middle age English gentlemen who live in
+the country over in London and seem to ride bicycles, which seems quite
+different from America, except at Palm Beach. So I told Mr. Lamson how
+I write down all of my thoughts and he said he knew I had something to
+me from the first minute he saw me and when we become better acquainted
+I am going to let him read my diary. I mean I even told Mr. Eisman
+about him and he is quite pleased. Because of course Mr. Lamson is
+quite famous and it seems Mr. Eisman has read all of his novels going
+to and fro on the trains and Mr. Eisman is always anxious to meet
+famous people and take them to the Ritz to dinner on Saturday night.
+But of course I did not tell Mr. Eisman that I am really getting quite
+a little crush on Mr. Lamson, which I really believe I am, but Mr.
+Eisman thinks my interest in him is more literary.
+
+
+
+March 30th:
+
+At last Mr. Eisman has left on the 20th Century and I must say I am
+quite fatigued and a little rest will be quite welcome. I mean I do not
+mind staying out late every night if I dance, but Mr. Eisman is really
+not such a good dancer so most of the time we just sit and drink some
+champagne or have a bite to eat and of course I do not dance with
+anyone else when I am out with Mr. Eisman. But Mr. Eisman and Gerry, as
+Mr. Lamson wants me to call him, became quite good friends and we had
+several evenings, all three together. So now that Mr. Eisman is out of
+town at last, Gerry and I are going out together this evening and Gerry
+said not to dress up, because Gerry seems to like me more for my soul.
+So I really had to tell Gerry that if all the gentlemen were like he
+seems to be, Madame Frances’ whole dress making establishment would
+have to go out of business. But Gerry does not like a girl to be
+nothing else but a doll, but he likes her to bring in her husband’s
+slippers every evening and make him forget what he has gone through.
+
+But before Mr. Eisman went to Chicago he told me that he is going to
+Paris this summer on professional business and I think he intends to
+present me with a trip to Paris as he says there is nothing so
+educational as traveling. I mean it did worlds of good to Dorothy when
+she went abroad last spring and I never get tired of hearing her
+telling how the merry-go-rounds in Paris have pigs instead of horses.
+But I really do not know whether to be thrilled or not because, of
+course, if I go to Paris I will have to leave Gerry and both Gerry and
+I have made up our minds not to be separated from one another from now
+on.
+
+
+
+March 31st:
+
+Last night Gerry and I had dinner at quite a quaint place where we had
+roast beef and baked potato. I mean he always wants me to have food
+which is what he calls “nourishing” which most gentlemen never seem to
+think about. So then we took a hansom cab and drove for hours around
+the park because Gerry said the air would be good for me. It is really
+very sweet to have some one think of all those things that gentlemen
+hardly ever seem to think about. So then we talked quite a lot. I mean
+Gerry knows how to draw a girl out and I told him things that I really
+would not even put in my diary. So when he heard all about my life he
+became quite depressed and we both had tears in our eyes. Because he
+said he never dreamed a girl could go through so much as I, and come
+out so sweet and not made bitter by it all. I mean Gerry thinks that
+most gentlemen are brutes and hardly ever think about a girl’s soul.
+
+So it seems that Gerry has had quite a lot of trouble himself and he
+can not even get married on account of his wife. He and she have never
+been in love with each other but she was a suffragette and asked him to
+marry her, so what could he do? So we rode all around the park until
+quite late talking and philosophizing quite a lot and I finally told
+him that I thought, after all, that bird life was the highest form of
+civilization. So Gerry calls me his little thinker and I really would
+not be surprised if all of my thoughts will give him quite a few ideas
+for his novels. Because Gerry says he has never seen a girl of my
+personal appearance with so many brains. And he had almost given up
+looking for his ideal when our paths seemed to cross each other and I
+told him I really thought a thing like that was nearly always the
+result of fate.
+
+So Gerry says that I remind him quite a lot of Helen of Troy, who was
+of Greek extraction. But the only Greek I know is a Greek gentleman by
+the name of Mr. Georgopolis who is really quite wealthy and he is what
+Dorothy and I call a “Shopper” because you can always call him up at
+any hour and ask him to go shopping and he is always quite delighted,
+which very few gentlemen seem to be. And he never seems to care how
+much anything costs. I mean Mr. Georgopolis is also quite cultured, as
+I know quite a few gentlemen who can speak to a waiter in French but
+Mr. Georgopolis can also speak to a waiter in Greek which very few
+gentlemen seem to be able to do.
+
+
+
+April 1st:
+
+I am taking special pains with my diary from now on as I am really
+writing it for Gerry. I mean he and I are going to read it together
+some evening in front of the fireplace. But Gerry leaves this evening
+for Boston as he has to lecture about all of his works at Boston, but
+he will rush right back as soon as possible. So I am going to spend all
+of my time improving myself while he is gone. And this afternoon we are
+both going to a museum on 5th Avenue, because Gerry wants to show me a
+very very beautiful cup made by an antique jeweler called Mr. Cellini
+and he wants me to read Mr. Cellini’s life which is a very very fine
+book and not dull while he is in Boston.
+
+So the famous playright friend of mine who is called Sam called up this
+morning and he wanted me to go to a literary party tonight that he and
+some other literary gentlemen are giving to Florence Mills in Harlem
+but Gerry does not want me to go with Sam as Sam always insists on
+telling riskay stories. But personally I am quite broad minded and I
+always say that I do not mind a riskay story as long as it is really
+funny. I mean I have a great sense of humor. But Gerry says Sam does
+not always select and choose his stories and he just as soon I did not
+go out with him. So I am going to stay home and read the book by Mr.
+Cellini instead, because, after all, the only thing I am really
+interested in, is improving my mind. So I am going to do nothing else
+but improve my mind while Gerry is in Boston. I mean I just received a
+cable from Willie Gwynn who arrives from Europe tomorrow, but I am not
+even going to bother to see him. He is a sweet boy but he never gets
+anywhere and I am not going to waste my time on such as him, after
+meeting a gentleman like Gerry.
+
+
+
+April 2nd:
+
+I seem to be quite depressed this morning as I always am when there is
+nothing to put my mind to. Because I decided not to read the book by
+Mr. Cellini. I mean it was quite amuseing in spots because it was
+really quite riskay but the spots were not so close together and I
+never seem to like to always be hunting clear through a book for the
+spots I am looking for, especially when there are really not so many
+spots that seem to be so amuseing after all. So I did not waste my time
+on it but this morning I told Lulu to let all of the house work go and
+spend the day reading a book entitled “Lord Jim” and then tell me all
+about it, so that I would improve my mind while Gerry is away. But when
+I got her the book I nearly made a mistake and gave her a book by the
+title of “The Nigger of the Narcissus” which really would have hurt her
+feelings. I mean I do not know why authors cannot say “Negro” instead
+of “Nigger” as they have their feelings just the same as we have.
+
+Well I just got a telegram from Gerry that he will not be back until
+tomorrow and also some orchids from Willie Gwynn, so I may as well go
+to the theatre with Willie tonight to keep from getting depressed, as
+he really is a sweet boy after all. I mean he never really does
+anything obnoxious. And it is quite depressing to stay at home and do
+nothing but read, unless you really have a book that is worth bothering
+about.
+
+
+
+April 3rd:
+
+I was really so depressed this morning that I was even glad to get a
+letter from Mr. Eisman. Because last night Willie Gwynn came to take me
+to the Follies, but he was so intoxicated that I had to telephone his
+club to send around a taxi to take him home. So that left me alone with
+Lulu at nine o’clock with nothing to do, so I put in a telephone call
+for Boston to talk to Gerry but it never went through. So Lulu tried to
+teach me how to play mah jong, but I really could not keep my mind on
+it because I was so depressed. So today I think I had better go over to
+Madame Frances and order some new evening gowns to cheer me up.
+
+Well Lulu just brought me a telegram from Gerry that he will be in this
+afternoon, but I must not meet him at the station on account of all of
+the reporters who always meet him at the station wherever he comes
+from. But he says he will come right up to see me as he has something
+to talk about.
+
+
+
+April 4th:
+
+What an evening we had last evening. I mean it seems that Gerry is
+madly in love with me. Because all of the time he was in Boston
+lecturing to the womens clubs he said, as he looked over the faces of
+all those club women in Boston, he never realized I was so beautiful.
+And he said that there was only one in all the world and that was me.
+But it seems that Gerry thinks that Mr. Eisman is terrible and that no
+good can come of our friendship. I mean I was quite surprised, as they
+both seemed to get along quite well together, but it seems that Gerry
+never wants me to see Mr. Eisman again. And he wants me to give up
+everything and study French and he will get a divorce and we will be
+married. Because Gerry does not seem to like the kind of life all of us
+lead in New York and he wants me to go home to papa in Arkansas and he
+will send me books to read so that I will not get lonesome there. And
+he gave me his uncle’s Masonic ring, which came down from the time of
+Soloman and which he never even lets his wife wear, for our engagement
+ring, and this afternoon a lady friend of his is going to bring me a
+new system she thought up of how to learn French. But some way I still
+seem to be depressed. I mean I could not sleep all night thinking of
+the terrible things Gerry said about New York and about Mr. Eisman. Of
+course I can understand Gerry being jealous of any gentleman friend of
+mine and of course I never really thought that Mr. Eisman was Rudolph
+Valentino, but Gerry said it made him cringe to think of a sweet girl
+like I having a friendship with Mr. Eisman. So it really made me feel
+quite depressed. I mean Gerry likes to talk quite a lot and I always
+think a lot of talk is depressing and worries your brains with things
+you never even think of when you are busy. But so long as Gerry does
+not mind me going out with other gentlemen when they have something to
+give you mentally, I am going to luncheon with Eddie Goldmark of the
+Goldmark Films who is always wanting me to sign a contract to go into
+the cinema. Because Mr. Goldmark is madly in love with Dorothy and
+Dorothy is always wanting me to go back in the cinema because Dorothy
+says that she will go if I will go.
+
+
+
+April 6th:
+
+Well I finally wrote Mr. Eisman that I was going to get married and it
+seems that he is coming on at once as he would probably like to give me
+his advice. Getting married is really quite serious and Gerry talks to
+me for hours and hours about it. I mean he never seems to get tired of
+talking and he does not seem to even want to go to shows or dance or do
+anything else but talk, and if I don’t really have something definite
+to put my mind on soon I will scream.
+
+
+
+April 7th:
+
+Well Mr. Eisman arrived this morning and he and I had quite a long
+talk, and after all I think he is right. Because here is the first real
+opportunity I have ever really had. I mean to go to Paris and broaden
+out and improve my writing, and why should I give it up to marry an
+author, where he is the whole thing and all I would be would be the
+wife of Gerald Lamson? And on top of that I would have to be dragged
+into the scandal of a divorce court and get my name smirched. So Mr.
+Eisman said that opportunities come to seldom in a girls life for me to
+give up the first one I have really ever had. So I am sailing for
+France and London on Tuesday and taking Dorothy with me and Mr. Eisman
+says that he will see us there later. So Dorothy knows all of the ropes
+and she can get along in Paris just as though she knew French and
+besides she knows a French gentleman who was born and raised there, who
+speaks it like a native and knows Paris like a book. And Dorothy says
+that when we get to London nearly everybody speaks English anyway. So
+it is quite lucky that Mr. Lamson is out lecturing in Cincinnati and he
+will not be back until Wednesday and I can send him a letter and tell
+him that I have to go to Europe now but I will see him later perhaps.
+So anyway I will be spared listening to any more of his depressing
+conversation. So Mr. Eisman gave me quite a nice string of pearls and
+he gave Dorothy a diamond pin and we all went to the Colony for dinner
+and we all went to a show and supper at the Trocadero and we all spent
+quite a pleasant evening.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWO
+
+FATE KEEPS ON HAPPENING
+
+
+April 11th:
+
+Well Dorothy and I are really on the ship sailing to Europe as anyone
+could tell by looking at the ocean. I always love the ocean. I mean I
+always love a ship and I really love the Majestic because you would not
+know it was a ship because it is just like being at the Ritz, and the
+steward says the ocean is not so obnoxious this month as it generally
+is. So Mr. Eisman is going to meet us next month in Paris because he
+has to be there on business. I mean he always says that there is really
+no place to see the latest styles in buttons like Paris.
+
+So Dorothy is out taking a walk up and down the deck with a gentleman
+she met on the steps, but I am not going to waste my time going around
+with gentlemen because if I did nothing but go around I would not
+finish my diary or read good books which I am always reading to improve
+my mind. But Dorothy really does not care about her mind and I always
+scold her because she does nothing but waste her time by going around
+with gentlemen who do not have anything, when Eddie Goldmark of the
+Goldmark Films is really quite wealthy and can make a girl delightful
+presents. But she does nothing but waste her time and yesterday, which
+was really the day before we sailed, she would not go to luncheon with
+Mr. Goldmark but she went to luncheon to meet a gentleman called Mr.
+Mencken from Baltimore who really only prints a green magazine which
+has not even got any pictures in it. But Mr. Eisman is always saying
+that every girl does not want to get ahead and get educated like me.
+
+So Mr. Eisman and Lulu come down to the boat to see me off and Lulu
+cried quite a lot. I mean I really believe she could not care any more
+for me if she was light and not colored. Lulu has had a very sad life
+because when she was quite young a pullman porter fell madly in love
+with her. So she believed him and he lured her away from her home to
+Ashtabula and deceived her there. So she finally found out that she had
+been deceived and she really was broken hearted and when she tried to
+go back home she found out that it was to late because her best girl
+friend, who she had always trusted, had stolen her husband and he would
+not take Lulu back. So I have always said to her she could always work
+for me and she is going to take care of the apartment until I get back,
+because I would not sublet the apartment because Dorothy sublet her
+apartment when she went to Europe last year and the gentleman who
+sublet the apartment allowed girls to pay calls on him who were not
+nice.
+
+Mr. Eisman has litereally filled our room with flowers and the steward
+has had quite a hard time to find enough vases to put them into. I mean
+the steward said he knew as soon as he saw Dorothy and I that he would
+have quite a heavy run on vases. And of course Mr. Eisman has sent me
+quite a lot of good books as he always does, because he always knows
+that good books are always welcome. So he has sent me quite a large
+book of Etiquette as he says there is quite a lot of Etiquette in
+England and London and it would be a good thing for a girl to learn. So
+I am going to take it on the deck after luncheon and read it, because I
+would often like to know what a girl ought to do when a gentleman she
+has just met, says something to her in a taxi. Of course I always
+become quite vexed but I always believe in giving a gentleman another
+chance.
+
+So now the steward tells me it is luncheon time, so I will go upstairs
+as the gentleman Dorothy met on the steps has invited us to luncheon in
+the Ritz, which is a special dining room on the ship where you can
+spend quite a lot of money because they really give away the food in
+the other dining room.
+
+
+
+April 12th:
+
+I am going to stay in bed this morning as I am quite upset as I saw a
+gentleman who quite upset me. I am not really sure it was the
+gentleman, as I saw him at quite a distants in the bar, but if it
+really is the gentleman it shows that when a girl has a lot of fate in
+her life it is sure to keep on happening. So when I thought I saw this
+gentleman I was with Dorothy and Major Falcon, who is the gentleman
+Dorothy met on the steps, and Major Falcon noticed that I became upset,
+so he wanted me to tell him what was the matter, but it is really so
+terrible that I would not want to tell anyone. So I said good night to
+Major Falcon and I left him with Dorothy and I went down to our room
+and did nothing but cry and send the steward for some champagne to
+cheer me up. I mean champagne always makes me feel philosophical
+because it makes me realize that when a girl’s life is as full of fate
+as mine seems to be, there is nothing else to do about it. So this
+morning the steward brought me my coffee and quite a large pitcher of
+ice water so I will stay in bed and not have any more champagne until
+luncheon time.
+
+Dorothy never has any fate in her life and she does nothing but waste
+her time and I really wonder if I did right to bring her with me and
+not Lulu. I mean she really gives gentlemen a bad impression as she
+talks quite a lot of slang. Because when I went up yesterday to meet
+she and Major Falcon for luncheon, I overheard her say to Major Falcon
+that she really liked to become intoxicated once in a “dirty” while.
+Only she did not say intoxicated, but she really said a slang word that
+means intoxicated and I am always having to tell her that “dirty” is a
+slang word and she really should not say “dirty.”
+
+Major Falcon is really quite a delightful gentleman for an Englishman.
+I mean he really spends quite a lot of money and we had quite a
+delightful luncheon and dinner in the Ritz until I thought I saw the
+gentleman who upset me and I am so upset I think I will get dressed and
+go up on the deck and see if it really is the one I think it is. I mean
+there is nothing else for me to do as I have finished writing in my
+diary for today and I have decided not to read the book of Ettiquette
+as I glanced through it and it does not seem to have anything in it
+that I would care to know because it wastes quite a lot of time telling
+you what to call a Lord and all the Lords I have met have told me what
+to call them and it is generally some quite cute name like Coocoo whose
+real name is really Lord Cooksleigh. So I will not waste my time on
+such a book. But I wish I did not feel so upset about the gentleman I
+think I saw.
+
+
+
+April 13th:
+
+It really is the gentleman I thought I saw. I mean when I found out it
+was the gentleman my heart really stopped. Because it all brought back
+things that anybody does not like to remember, no matter who they are.
+So yesterday when I went up on the deck to see if I could see the
+gentleman and see if it really was him, I met quite a delightful
+gentleman who I met once at a party called Mr. Ginzberg. Only his name
+is not Mr. Ginzberg any more because a gentleman in London called Mr.
+Battenburg, who is some relation to some king, changed his name to Mr.
+Mountbatten which Mr. Ginzberg says really means the same thing after
+all. So Mr. Ginsberg changed his name to Mr. Mountginz which he really
+thinks is more aristocratic. So we walked around the deck and we met
+the gentleman face to face and I really saw it was him and he really
+saw it was me. I mean his face became so red it was almost a picture.
+So I was so upset I said good-bye to Mr. Mountginz and I started to
+rush right down to my room and cry. But when I was going down the
+steps, I bumped right into Major Falcon who noticed that I was upset.
+So Major Falcon made me go to the Ritz and have some champagne and tell
+him all about it.
+
+So then I told Major Falcon about the time in Arkansas when Papa sent
+me to Little Rock to study how to become a stenographer. I mean Papa
+and I had quite a little quarrel because Papa did not like a gentleman
+who used to pay calls on me in the park and Papa thought it would do me
+good to get away for awhile. So I was in the business colledge in
+Little Rock for about a week when a gentleman called Mr. Jennings paid
+a call on the business colledge because he wanted to have a new
+stenographer. So he looked over all we colledge girls and he picked me
+out. So he told our teacher that he would help me finish my course in
+his office because he was only a lawyer and I really did not have to
+know so much. So Mr. Jennings helped me quite a lot and I stayed in his
+office about a year when I found out that he was not the kind of a
+gentleman that a young girl is safe with. I mean one evening when I
+went to pay a call on him at his apartment, I found a girl there who
+really was famous all over Little Rock for not being nice. So when I
+found out that girls like that paid calls on Mr. Jennings I had quite a
+bad case of histerics and my mind was really a blank and when I came
+out of it, it seems that I had a revolver in my hand and it seems that
+the revolver had shot Mr. Jennings.
+
+So this gentleman on the boat was really the District Attorney who was
+at the trial and he really was quite harsh at the trial and he called
+me names that I would not even put in my diary. Because everyone at the
+trial except the District Attorney was really lovely to me and all the
+gentlemen in the jury all cried when my lawyer pointed at me and told
+them that they practically all had had either a mother or a sister. So
+the jury was only out three minutes and then they came back and
+acquitted me and they were all so lovely that I really had to kiss all
+of them and when I kissed the judge he had tears in his eyes and he
+took me right home to his sister. I mean it was when Mr. Jennings
+became shot that I got the idea to go into the cinema, so Judge Hibbard
+got me a ticket to Hollywood. So it was Judge Hibbard who really gave
+me my name because he did not like the name I had because he said a
+girl ought to have a name that ought to express her personality. So he
+said my name ought to be Lorelei which is the name of a girl who became
+famous for sitting on a rock in Germany, So I was in Hollywood in the
+cinema when I met Mr. Eisman and he said that a girl with my brains
+ought not to be in the cinema but she ought to be educated, so he took
+me out of the cinema so he could educate me.
+
+So Major Falcon was really quite interested in everything I talked
+about, because he said it was quite a co-instance because this District
+Attorney, who is called Mr. Bartlett, is now working for the government
+of America and he is on his way to a place called Vienna on some
+business for Uncle Sam that is quite a great secret and Mr. Falcon
+would like very much to know what the secret is, because the Government
+in London sent him to America especially to find out what it was. Only
+of course Mr. Bartlett does not know who Major Falcon is, because it is
+such a great secret, but Major Falcon can tell me, because he knows who
+he can trust. So Major Falcon says he thinks a girl like I ought to
+forgive and forget what Mr. Bartlett called me and he wants to bring us
+together and he says he thinks Mr. Bartlett would talk to me quite a
+lot when he really gets to know me and I forgive him for that time in
+Little Rock. Because it would be quite romantic for Mr. Bartlett and I
+to become friendly, and gentlemen who work for Uncle Sam generally like
+to become romantic with girls. So he is going to bring us together on
+the deck after dinner tonight and I am going to forgive him and talk
+with him quite a lot, because why should a girl hold a grudge against a
+gentleman who had to do it. So Major Falcon brought me quite a large
+bottle of perfume and a quite cute imitation of quite a large size dog
+in the little shop which is on board the boat. I mean Major Falcon
+really knows how to cheer a girl up quite a lot and so tonight I am
+going to make it all up with Mr. Bartlett.
+
+
+
+April 14th:
+
+Well Mr. Bartlett and I made it all up last night and we are going to
+be the best of friends and talk quite a lot. So when I went down to my
+room quite late Major Falcon came down to see if I and Mr. Bartlett
+were really going to be friends because he said a girl with brains like
+I ought to have lots to talk about with a gentleman with brains like
+Mr. Bartlett who knows all of Uncle Sam’s secrets.
+
+So I told Major Falcon how Mr. Bartlett thinks that he and I seem to be
+like a play, because all the time he was calling me all those names in
+Little Rock he really thought I was. So when he found out that I turned
+out not to be, he said he always thought that I only used my brains
+against gentlemen and really had quite a cold heart. But now he thinks
+I ought to write a play about how he called me all those names in
+Little Rock and then, after seven years, we became friendly.
+
+So I told Major Falcon that I told Mr. Bartlett I would like to write
+the play but I really did not have time as it takes quite a lot of time
+to write my diary and read good books. So Mr. Bartlett did not know
+that I read books which is quite a co-instance because he reads them
+to. So he is going to bring me a book of philosophy this afternoon
+called “Smile, Smile, Smile” which all the brainy senators in
+Washington are reading which cheers you up quite a lot.
+
+So I told Major Falcon that having a friendship with Mr. Barlett was
+really quite enervating because Mr. Bartlett does not drink anything
+and the less anybody says about his dancing the better. But he did ask
+me to dine at his table, which is not in the Ritz and I told him I
+could not, but Major Falcon told me I ought to, but I told Major Falcon
+that there was a limit to almost everything. So I am going to stay in
+my room until luncheon and I am going to luncheon in the Ritz with Mr.
+Mountginz who really knows how to treat a girl.
+
+Dorothy is up on the deck wasting quite a lot of time with a gentleman
+who is only a tennis champion. So I am going to ring for the steward
+and have some champagne which is quite good for a person on a boat. The
+steward is really quite a nice boy and he has had quite a sad life and
+he likes to tell me all about himself. I mean it seems that he was
+arrested in Flatbush because he promised a gentleman that he would
+bring him some very very good scotch and they mistook him for a
+bootlegger. So it seems they put him in a prison and they put him in a
+cell with two other gentlemen who were very, very famous burglars. I
+mean they really had their pictures in all the newspapers and everybody
+was talking about them. So my steward, whose real name is Fred, was
+very very proud to be in the same cell with such famous burglars. So
+when they asked him what he was in for, he did not like to tell them
+that he was only a bootlegger, so he told them that he set fire to a
+house and burned up quite a large family in Oklahoma. So everything
+would have gone alright except that the police had put a dictaphone in
+the cell and used it all against him and he could not get out until
+they had investigated all the fires in Oklahoma. So I always think that
+it is much more educational to talk to a boy like Fred who has been
+through a lot and really suffered than it is to talk to a gentleman
+like Mr. Bartlett. But I will have to talk to Mr. Bartlett all
+afternoon as Major Falcon has made an appointment for me to spend the
+whole afternoon with him.
+
+
+
+April 15th:
+
+Last night there was quite a maskerade ball on the ship which was
+really all for the sake of charity because most of the sailors seem to
+have orphans which they get from going on the ocean when the sea is
+very rough. So they took up quite a collection and Mr. Bartlett made
+quite a long speech in favor of orphans especially when their parents
+are sailors. Mr. Bartlett really likes to make speeches quite a lot. I
+mean he even likes to make speeches when he is all alone with a girl
+when they are walking up and down a deck. But the maskerade ball was
+quite cute and one gentleman really looked almost like an imitation of
+Mr. Chaplin. So Dorothy and I really did not want to go to the ball but
+Mr. Bartlett bought us two scarfs at the little store which is on the
+ship so we tied them around our hips and everyone said we made quite a
+cute Carmen. So Mr. Bartlett and Major Falcon and the tennis champion
+were the Judges. So Dorothy and I won the prizes. I mean I really hope
+I do not get any more large size imitations of a dog as I have three
+now and I do not see why the Captain does not ask Mr. Cartier to have a
+jewelry store on the ship as it is really not much fun to go shopping
+on a ship with gentlemen, and buy nothing but imitations of dogs.
+
+So after we won the prizes I had an engagement to go up on the top of
+the deck with Mr. Bartlett as it seems he likes to look at the
+moonlight quite a lot. So I told him to go up and wait for me and I
+would be up later as I promised a dance to Mr. Mountginz. So he asked
+me how long I would be dancing till, but I told him to wait up there
+and he would find out. So Mr. Mountginz and I had quite a delightful
+dance and champagne until Major Falcon found us. Because he was looking
+for me and he said I really should not keep Mr. Bartlett waiting. So I
+went up on the deck and Mr. Bartlett was up there waiting for me and it
+seems that he really is madly in love with me because he did not sleep
+a wink since we became friendly. Because he never thought that I really
+had brains but now that he knows it, it seems that he has been looking
+for a girl like me for years, and he said that really the place for me
+when he got back home was Washington d. c. where he lives. So I told
+him I thought a thing like that was nearly always the result of fate.
+So he wanted me to get off the ship tomorrow at France and take the
+same trip that he is taking to Vienna as it seems that Vienna is in
+France and if you go on to England you go to far. But I told him that I
+could not because I thought that if he was really madly in love with me
+he would take a trip to London instead. But he told me that he had
+serious business in Vienna that was a very, very great secret. But I
+told him I did not believe it was business but that it really was some
+girl, because what business could be so important? So he said it was
+business for the United States government at Washington and he could
+not tell anybody what it was. So then we looked at the moonlight quite
+a lot. So I told him I would go to Vienna if I really knew it was
+business and not some girl, because I could not see how business could
+be so important. So then he told me all about it. So it seems that
+Uncle Sam wants some new aeroplanes that everybody else seems to want,
+especially England, and Uncle Sam has quite a clever way to get them
+which is to long to put in my diary. So we sat up and saw the sun rise
+and I became quite stiff and told him I would have to go down to my
+room because, after all, the ship lands at France today and I said if I
+got off the boat at France to go to Vienna with him I would have to
+pack up.
+
+So I went down to my room and went to bed. So then Dorothy came in and
+she was up on the deck with the tennis champion but she did not notice
+the sun rise as she really does not love nature but always wastes her
+time and ruins her clothes even though I always tell her not to drink
+champagne out of a bottle on the deck of the ship as it lurches quite a
+lot. So I am going to have luncheon in my room and I will send a note
+to Mr. Bartlett to tell him I will not be able to get off the boat at
+France to go to Vienna with him as I have quite a headache, but I will
+see him sometime somewhere else. So Major Falcon is going to come down
+at 12 and I have got to thinking over what Mr. Bartlett called me at
+Little Rock and I am quite upset. I mean a gentleman never pays for
+those things but a girl always pays. So I think I will tell Major
+Falcon all about the airoplane business as he really wants to know.
+And, after all I do not think Mr. Bartlett is a gentleman to call me
+all those names in Little Rock even if it was seven years ago. I mean
+Major Falcon is always a gentleman and he really wants to do quite a
+lot for us in London. Because he knows the Prince of Wales and he
+thinks that Dorothy and I would like the Prince of Wales once we had
+really got to meet him. So I am going to stay in my room until Mr.
+Bartlett gets off the ship at France, because I really do not seem to
+care if I never see Mr. Bartlett again.
+
+So tomorrow we will be at England bright and early. And I really feel
+quite thrilled because Mr. Eisman sent me a cable this morning, as he
+does every morning, and he says to take advantage of everybody we meet
+as traveling is the highest form of education. I mean Mr. Eisman is
+always right and Major Falcon knows all the sights in London including
+the Prince of Wales so it really looks like Dorothy and I would have
+quite a delightful time in London.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THREE
+
+LONDON IS REALLY NOTHING
+
+
+April 17th:
+
+Well, Dorothy and I are really at London. I mean we got to London on
+the train yesterday as the boat does not come clear up to London but it
+stops on the beach and you have to take a train. I mean everything is
+much better in New York, because the boat comes right up to New York
+and I am really beginning to think that London is not so educational
+after all. But I did not tell Mr. Eisman when I cabled him last night
+because Mr. Eisman really sent me to London to get educated and I would
+hate to tell him that London is a failure because we know more in New
+York.
+
+So Dorothy and I came to the Ritz and it is delightfully full of
+Americans. I mean you would really think it was New York because I
+always think that the most delightful thing about traveling is to
+always be running into Americans and to always feel at home.
+
+So yesterday Dorothy and I went down to luncheon at the Ritz and we saw
+a quite cute little blond girl at the next table and I nudged Dorothy
+under the table, because I do not think it is nice to nudge a person on
+top of the table as I am trying to teach good manners to Dorothy. So I
+said “That is quite a cute little girl so she must be an American
+girl.” And sure enough she called the head-waiter with quite an
+American accent and she was quite angry and she said to him, I have
+been coming to this hotel for 35 years and this is the first time I
+have been kept waiting. So I recognized her voice because it was really
+Fanny Ward. So we asked her to come over to our table and we were all
+three delighted to see each other. Because I and Fanny have known each
+other for about five years but I really feel as if I knew her better
+because mama knew her 45 years ago when she and mama used to go to
+school together and mama used to always follow all her weddings in all
+the newspapers. So now Fanny lives in London and is famous for being
+one of the cutest girls in London. I mean Fanny is almost historical,
+because when a girl is cute for 50 years it really begins to get
+historical.
+
+So if mama did not die of hardening of the arterys she and Fanny and I
+could have quite a delightful time in London as Fanny loves to shop. So
+we went shopping for hats and instead of going to the regular shop we
+went to the childrens department and Fanny and I bought some quite cute
+hats as childrens hats only cost half as much and Fanny does it all the
+time. I mean Fanny really loves hats and she buys some in the
+children’s department every week, so she really saves quite a lot of
+money.
+
+So we came back to the Ritz to meet Major Falcon because Major Falcon
+invited us to go to tea with him at a girls house called Lady Shelton.
+So Major Falcon invited Fanny to go with us to, but she was sorry
+because she had to go to her music lesson.
+
+So at Lady Sheltons house we met quite a few people who seemed to be
+English. I mean some of the girls in London seem to be Ladies which
+seems to be the opposite of a Lord. And some who are not Ladies are
+honorable. But quite a few are not Ladies or honorable either, but are
+just like us, so all you have to call them is “Miss.” So Lady Shelton
+was really delighted to have we Americans come to her house. I mean she
+took Dorothy and I into the back parlor and tried to sell us some shell
+flowers she seems to make out of sea shells for 25 pounds. So we asked
+her how much it was in money and it seems it is 125 dollars. I mean I
+am really going to have a quite hard time in London with Dorothy
+because she really should not say to an English lady what she said. I
+mean she should not say to an English lady that in America we use
+shells the same way only we put a dry pea under one of them and we call
+it a game. But I told Lady Shelton we really did not need any shell
+flowers. So Lady Shelton said she knew we Americans loved dogs so she
+would love us to meet her mother.
+
+So then she took Dorothy and Major Falcon and I to her mother’s house
+which was just around the corner from her house. Because her mother
+seems to be called a Countess and raise dogs. So her mother was having
+a party too, and she seemed to have quite red hair and quite a lot of
+paint for such an elderly lady. So the first thing she asked us was she
+asked us if we bought some shell flowers from her daughter. So we told
+her no. But she did not seem to act like a Countess of her elderly age
+should act. Because she said, “You were right my dears—don’t let my
+daughter stick you—they fall apart in less than a week.” So then she
+asked us if we would like to buy a dog. I mean I could not stop Dorothy
+but she said “How long before the dogs fall apart?” But I do not think
+the Countess acted like a Countess ought to act because she laughed
+very, very loud and she said that Dorothy was really priceless and she
+grabbed Dorothy and kissed her and held her arm around her all the
+time. I mean I really think that a Countess should not encouradge
+Dorothy or else she is just as unrefined as Dorothy seems to be. But I
+told the Countess that we did not need any dog.
+
+So then I met quite a delightful English lady who had a very, very
+beautiful diamond tiara in her hand bag because she said that she
+thought some Americans would be at the party and it was really a very,
+very great bargain. I mean I think a diamond tiara is delightful
+because it is a place where I really never thought of wearing diamonds
+before, and I thought I had almost one of everything until I saw a
+diamond tiara. The English lady who is called Mrs. Weeks said it was in
+her family for years but the good thing about diamonds is they always
+look new. So I was really very intreeged and I asked her how much it
+cost in money and it seems it was $7,500.
+
+So then I looked around the room and I noticed a gentleman who seemed
+to be quite well groomed. So I asked Major Falcon who he was and he
+said he was called Sir Francis Beekman and it seems he is very, very
+wealthy. So then I asked Major Falcon to give us an introduction to one
+another and we met one another and I asked Sir Francis Beekman if he
+would hold my hat while I could try on the diamond tiara because I
+could wear it backwards with a ribbon, on account of my hair being
+hobbed, and I told Sir Francis Beekman that I really thought it looked
+quite cute. So he thought it did to, but he seemed to have another
+engagement. So the Countess came up to me and she is really very
+unrefined because she said to me “Do not waste your time on him”
+because she said that whenever Sir Francis Beekman spent a haypenny the
+statue of a gentleman called Mr. Nelson took off his hat and bowed. I
+mean some people are so unrefined they seem to have unrefined thoughts
+about everything.
+
+So I really have my heart set on the diamond tiara and I became quite
+worried because Mrs. Weeks said she was going to a delightful party
+last night that would be full of delightful Americans and it would be
+snaped up. So I was so worried that I gave her 100 dollars and she is
+going to hold the diamond tiara for me. Because what is the use of
+traveling if you do not take advantadge of oportunities and it really
+is quite unusual to get a bargain from an English lady. So last night I
+cabled Mr. Eisman and I told Mr. Eisman that he does not seem to how
+know much it costs to get educated by traveling and I said I really
+would have to have $10,000 and I said I hoped I would not have to
+borrow the money from some strange English gentleman, even if he might
+be very very good looking. So I really could not sleep all night
+because of all of my worrying because if I do not get the money to buy
+the diamond tiara it may be a quite hard thing to get back $100 from an
+English lady.
+
+So now I must really get dressed as Major Falcon is going to take
+Dorothy and I to look at all the sights in London. But I really think
+if I do not get the diamond tiara my whole trip to London will be quite
+a failure.
+
+
+
+April 18th:
+
+Yesterday was quite a day and night. I mean Major Falcon came to take
+Dorothy and I to see all the sights in London. So I thought it would be
+delightful if we had another gentleman and I made Major Falcon call up
+Sir Francis Beekman. I mean I had a cable from Mr. Eisman which told me
+he could not send me 10,000 dollars but he would send me 1000 dollars
+which really would not be a drop in the bucket for the diamond tiara.
+So Sir Francis Beekman said that he could not come but I teased him and
+teased him over the telephone so he finally said he would come.
+
+So Major Falcon drives his own car so Dorothy sat with him and I sat
+with Sir Francis Beekman but I told him that I was not going to call
+him Sir Francis Beekman but I was really going to call him Piggie.
+
+In London they make a very, very great fuss over nothing at all. I mean
+London is really nothing at all. For instants, they make a great fuss
+over a tower that really is not even as tall as the Hickox building in
+Little Rock Arkansas and it would only make a chimney on one of our
+towers in New York. So Sir Francis Beekman wanted us to get out and
+look at the tower because he said that quite a famous Queen had her
+head cut off there one morning and Dorothy said “What a fool she was to
+get up that morning” and that is really the only sensible thing that
+Dorothy has said in London. So we did not bother to get out.
+
+So we did not go to any more sights because they really have delicious
+champagne cocktails at a very very smart new restaurant called the Cafe
+de Paris that you could not get in New York for neither love or money
+and I told Piggie that when you are travelling you really ought to take
+advantadges of what you can not do at home.
+
+So while Dorothy and I were in the Cafe de Paris powdering our nose in
+the lady’s dressing room we met an American girl who Dorothy knew in
+the Follies, but now she is living in London. So she told us all about
+London. So it seems the gentlemen in London have quite a quaint custom
+of not giving a girl many presents. I mean the English girls really
+seem to be satisfied with a gold cigaret holder or else what they call
+a ‘bangle’ which means a bracelet in English which is only gold and
+does not have any stones in it which American girls would really give
+to their maid. So she said you could tell what English gentlemen were
+like when you realize that not even English ladys could get anything
+out of them. So she said Sir Francis Beekman was really famous all over
+London for not spending so much money as most English gentlemen. So
+then Dorothy and I said goodbye to Dorothy’s girl friend and Dorothy
+said, “Lets tell our two boy friends that we have a headache and go
+back to the Ritz, where men are Americans.” Because Dorothy said that
+the society of a gentleman like Sir Francis Beekman was to great a
+price to pay for a couple of rounds of champagne cocktails. But I told
+Dorothy that I always believe that there is nothing like trying and I
+think it would be nice for an American girl like I to educate an
+English gentleman like Piggie, as I call Sir Francis Beekman.
+
+So then we went back to the table and I almost have to admit that
+Dorothy is in the right about Piggie because he really likes to talk
+quite a lot and he is always talking about a friend of his who was
+quite a famous King in London called King Edward. So Piggie said he
+would never never forget the jokes King Edward was always saying and he
+would never forget one time they were all on a yacht and they were all
+sitting at a table and King Edward got up and said “I don’t care what
+you gentlemen do—I’m going to smoke a cigar.” So then Piggie laughed
+very, very loud. So of course I laughed very, very loud and I told
+Piggie he was wonderful the way he could tell jokes. I mean you can
+always tell when to laugh because Piggie always laughs first.
+
+So in the afternoon a lot of lady friends of Mrs. Weeks heard about me
+buying the diamond tiara and called us up and asked us to their house
+to tea so Dorothy and I went and we took a gentleman Dorothy met in the
+lobby who is very, very good looking but he is only an English ballroom
+dancer in a cafe when he has a job.
+
+So we went to tea to a lady’s house called Lady Elmsworth and what she
+has to sell we Americans seems to be a picture of her father painted in
+oil paint who she said was a whistler. But I told her my own father was
+a whistler and used to whistle all of the time and I did not even have
+a picture of him but every time he used to go to Little Rock I asked
+him to go to the photographers but he did not go.
+
+So then we met a lady called Lady Chizzleby that wanted us to go to her
+house to tea but we told her that we really did not want to buy
+anything. But she said that she did not have anything to sell but she
+wanted to borrow five pounds. So we did not go and I am really glad
+that Mr. Eisman did not come to London as all the English ladys would
+ask him to tea and he would have a whole ship load of shell flowers and
+dogs and anteek pictures that do nobody any good.
+
+So last night Piggie and I and Dorothy and the dancer who is called
+Gerald went to the Kit Kat Club as Gerald had nothing better to do
+because he is out of a job. So Dorothy and I had quite a little quarrel
+because I told Dorothy that she was wasting quite a lot of time going
+with any gentleman who is out of a job but Dorothy is always getting to
+really like somebody and she will never learn how to act. I mean I
+always seem to think that when a girl really enjoys being with a
+gentleman, it puts her to quite a disadvantage and no real good can
+come of it.
+
+Well tonight is going to be quite a night because Major Falcon is going
+to take Dorothy and I to a dance at a lady’s house tonight to meet the
+Prince of Wales. And now I must get ready to see Piggie because he and
+I seem to be getting to be quite good friends even if he has not sent
+me any flowers yet.
+
+
+
+April 19th:
+
+Last night we really met the Prince of Wales. I mean Major Falcon
+called for Dorothy and I at eleven and took us to a ladys house where
+the lady was having a party. The Prince of Wales is really wonderful. I
+mean even if he was not a prince he would be wonderful, because even if
+he was not a prince, he would be able to make his living playing the
+ukelele, if he had a little more practice. So the lady came up to me
+and told me that the Prince of Wales would like to meet me, so she gave
+us an introduction to one another and I was very very thrilled when he
+asked me for a dance. So I decided I would write down every word he
+said to me in my diary so I could always go back and read it over and
+over when I am really old. So then we started to dance and I asked him
+if he was still able to be fond of horses, and he said he was. So after
+our dance was all over he asked Dorothy for a dance but Dorothy will
+never learn how to act in front of a prince. Because she handed me her
+fan and she said “Hold this while I slip a new page into English
+histry,” right in front of the Prince of Wales. So I was very very
+worried while Dorothy was dancing with the Prince of Wales because she
+talked to the Prince of Wales all the time and when she got through the
+Prince of Wales wrote some of the slang words she is always saying on
+his cuff, so if he tells the Queen some day to be ‘a good Elk’ or some
+other slang word Dorothy is always saying, the Queen will really blame
+me for bringing such a girl into English society. So when Dorothy came
+back we had quite a little quarrel because Dorothy said that since I
+met the Prince of Wales I was becoming too English. But really, I mean
+to say, I often remember papa back in Arkansas and he often used to say
+that his grandpa came from a place in England called Australia, so
+really, I mean to say, it is no wonder that the English seems to come
+out of me sometimes. Because if a girl seems to have an English accent
+I really think it is quite jolly.
+
+
+
+April 20th:
+
+Yesterday afternoon I really thought I ought to begin to educate Piggie
+how to act with a girl like American gentlemen act with a girl. So I
+asked him to come up to have tea in our sitting room in the hotel
+because I had quite a headache. I mean I really look quite cute in my
+pink negligay. So I sent out a bell hop friend of Dorothy and I who is
+quite a nice boy who is called Harry and who we talk to quite a lot. So
+I gave Harry ten pounds of English money and I told him to go to the
+most expensive florist and to buy some very very expensive orchids for
+10 pounds and to bring them to our sitting room at fifteen minutes past
+five and not to say a word but to say they were for me. So Piggie came
+to tea and we were having tea when Harry came in and he did not say a
+word but he gave me a quite large box and he said it was for me. So I
+opened the box and sure enough they were a dozen very very beautiful
+orchids. So I looked for a card, but of course there was no card so I
+grabbed Piggie and I said I would have to give him quite a large hug
+because it must have been him. But he said it was not him. But I said
+it must be him because I said that there was only one gentleman in
+London who was so sweet and generous and had such a large heart to send
+a girl one dozen orchids like him. So he still said it was not him. But
+I said I knew it was him, because there was not a gentleman in London
+so really marvelous and so wonderful and such a marvelous gentleman to
+send a girl one dozen orchids every day as him. So I really had to
+apologize for giving him such a large hug but I told him I was so full
+of impulses that when I knew he was going to send me one dozen orchids
+every day I became so impulsive I could not help it!
+
+So then Dorothy and Gerald came in and I told them all about what a
+wonderful gentleman Piggie turned out to be and I told them when a
+gentleman sent a girl one dozen orchids every day he really reminded me
+of a prince. So Piggie blushed quite a lot and he was really very very
+pleased and he did not say any more that it was not him. So then I
+started to make a fuss over him and I told him he would have to look
+out because he was really so good looking and I was so full of impulses
+that I might even lose my mind some time and give him a kiss. So Piggie
+really felt very very good to be such a good looking gentleman. So he
+could not help blushing all the time and he could not help grinning all
+the time from one ear to another. So he asked us all to dinner and then
+he and Gerald went to change their clothes for dinner. So Dorothy and I
+had quite a little quarrel after they went because Dorothy asked me
+which one of the Jesse James brothers was my father. But I told her I
+was not so unrefined that I would waste my time with any gentleman who
+was only a ballroom dancer when he had a job. So Dorothy said Gerald
+was a gentleman because he wrote her a note and it had a crest. So I
+told her to try and eat it. So then we had to get dressed.
+
+So this morning Harry, the boy friend of ours who is the bell hop,
+waked me up at ten o’clock because he had a box of one dozen orchids
+from Piggie. So by the time Piggie pays for a few dozen orchids, the
+diamond tiara will really seem like quite a bargain. Because I always
+think that spending money is only just a habit and if you get a
+gentleman started on buying one dozen orchids at a time he really gets
+very good habits.
+
+
+
+April 21st:
+
+Well, yesterday afternoon I took Piggie shopping on a street called
+Bond Street. So I took him to a jewelery store because I told him I had
+to have a silver picture frame because I had to have a picture of him
+to go in it. Because I told Piggie that when a girl gets to know such a
+good looking gentleman as him she really wants to have a picture of him
+on her dressing table where she can look at it a lot. So Piggie became
+quite intreeged. So we looked at all the silver picture frames. But
+then I told him that I really did not think a silver picture frame was
+good enough for a picture of him because I forgot that they had gold
+picture frames until I saw them. So then we started to look at the gold
+picture frames. So then it came out that his picture was taken in his
+unaform. So I said he must be so good looking in his unaform that I
+really did not think even the gold picture frames were good enough but
+they did not have any platinum picture frames so we had to buy the best
+one we could.
+
+So then I asked him if he could put on his unaform tomorrow because I
+would love to see him in his unaform and we could go to tea at Mrs.
+Weeks. So he really became very pleased because he grinned quite a lot
+and he said that he would. So then I said that poor little I would
+really look like nothing at all to be going out with him in his
+georgous unaform. So then we started to look at some bracelets but a
+lady friend of his who is quite friendly with his wife, who is in their
+country house in the country, came in to the store, so Piggie became
+quite nervous to be caught in a jewelery store where he has not been
+for years and years, so we had to go out.
+
+This morning Gerald called up Dorothy and he said that day after
+tomorrow they are having a theatrical garden party to sell things to
+people for charity so he asked if Dorothy and I would be one of the
+ones who sells things to people for charity. So we said we would.
+
+So now I must telephone Mrs. Weeks and say I will bring Sir Francis
+Beekman to tea tomorrow and I hope it all comes out all right. But I
+really wish Piggie would not tell so many storys. I mean I do not mind
+a gentleman when he tells a great many storys if they are new, but a
+gentleman who tells a great many storys and they are all the same
+storys is quite enervating. I mean London is really so uneducational
+that all I seem to be learning is some of Piggies storys and I even
+want to forget them. So I am really becoming jolly well fed up with
+London.
+
+
+
+April 22nd:
+
+Yesterday Piggie came in his unaform but he was really quite upset
+because he had a letter. I mean his wife is coming to London because
+she always comes to London every year to get her old clothes made over
+as she has a girl who does it very very cheap. So she is going to stay
+with the lady who saw us in the jewelery store, because it always saves
+money to stay with a friend. So I wanted to cheer Piggie up so I told
+him that I did not think the lady saw us and if she did see us, she
+really could not believe her eyes to see him in a jewelery store. But I
+did not tell him that I think that Dorothy and I had better go to Paris
+soon. Because, after all, Piggie’s society is beginning to tell on a
+girls nerves. But I really made Piggie feel quite good about his
+unaform because I told him I only felt fit to be with him in a diamond
+tiara. So then I told him that, even if his wife was in London, we
+could still be friends, because I could not help but admire him even if
+his wife was in London and I told him I really thought a thing like
+that was nearly always the result of fate. So then we went to tea at
+Mrs. Weeks. So Piggie arranged with Mrs. Weeks to pay her for the
+diamond tiara and she nearly fell dead but she will keep it a secret
+because no one would believe it anyway. So now I have the diamond tiara
+and I have to admit that everything always turns out for the best. But
+I promised Piggie that I would always stay in London and we would
+always be friendly. Because Piggie always says that I am the only one
+who admires him for what he really is.
+
+
+
+April 25th:
+
+Well, we were so busy the last days I did not have time to write in my
+diary because now we are on a ship that seems to be quite a small ship
+to be sailing to Paris and we will be at Paris this afternoon. Because
+it does not take nearly so long to come to Paris as it does to come to
+London. I mean it seems quite unusual to think that it takes 6 days to
+come to London and only one day to come to Paris.
+
+So Dorothy is quite upset because she did not want to come as she is
+madly in love with Gerald and Gerald said that we really ought not to
+leave London without going to see England while we happened to be here.
+But I told him that if England was the same kind of a place that London
+seems to be, I really know to much to bother with such a place. I mean
+we had quite a little quarrel because Gerald showed up at the station
+with a bangle for Dorothy so I told Dorothy she was well rid of such a
+person. So Dorothy had to come with me because Mr. Eisman is paying her
+expenses because he wants Dorothy to be my chaperone.
+
+So the last thing in London was the garden party. I sold quite a lot of
+red baloons and I sold a red baloon to Harry Lauder the famous Scotch
+gentleman who is the famous Scotch tenor for 20 pounds. So Dorothy said
+I did not need to buy any ticket to Paris on the boat because if I
+could do that, I could walk across the channel.
+
+So Piggy does not know that we have gone but I sent him a letter and
+told him I would see him some time again some time. And I was really
+glad to get out of our rooms at the Ritz—I mean 50 or 60 orchids really
+make a girl think of a funeral. So I cabled Mr. Eisman and I told him
+we could not learn anything in London because we knew to much, so if we
+went to Paris at least we could learn French, if we made up our mind to
+it.
+
+So I am really very very intreeged as I have heard so much about Paris
+and I feel that it must be much more educational than London and I can
+hardly wait to see the Ritz hotel in Paris.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FOUR
+
+PARIS IS DEVINE
+
+
+April 27th:
+
+Paris is devine. I mean Dorothy and I got to Paris yesterday, and it
+really is devine. Because the French are devine. Because when we were
+coming off the boat, and we were coming through the customs, it was
+quite hot and it seemed to smell quite a lot and all the French
+gentlemen in the customs, were squealing quite a lot. So I looked
+around and I picked out a French gentleman who was really in a very
+gorgeous uniform and he seemed to be a very, very important gentleman
+and I gave him twenty francs worth of French money and he was very very
+gallant and he knocked everybody else down and took our bags right
+through the custom. Because I really think that twenty Francs is quite
+cheap for a gentleman that has got on at least $100 worth of gold braid
+on his coat alone, to speak nothing of his trousers.
+
+I mean the French gentlemen always seem to be squealing quite a lot,
+especially taxi drivers when they only get a small size yellow dime
+called a ‘fifty santeems’ for a tip. But the good thing about French
+gentlemen is that every time a French gentleman starts in to squeal,
+you can always stop him with five francs, no matter who he is. I mean
+it is so refreshing to listen to a French gentleman stop squeaking,
+that it would really be quite a bargain even for ten francs.
+
+So we came to the Ritz Hotel and the Ritz Hotel is devine. Because when
+a girl can sit in a delightful bar and have delicious champagne
+cocktails and look at all the important French people in Paris, I think
+it is devine. I mean when a girl can sit there and look at the Dolly
+sisters and Pearl White and Maybelle Gilman Corey, and Mrs. Nash, it is
+beyond worlds. Because when a girl looks at Mrs. Nash and realizes what
+Mrs. Nash has got out of gentlemen, it really makes a girl hold her
+breath.
+
+And when a girl walks around and reads all of the signs with all of the
+famous historical names it really makes you hold your breath. Because
+when Dorothy and I went on a walk, we only walked a few blocks but in
+only a few blocks we read all of the famous historical names, like Coty
+and Cartier and I knew we were seeing something educational at last and
+our whole trip was not a failure. I mean I really try to make Dorothy
+get educated and have reverance. So when we stood at the corner of a
+place called the Place Vandome, if you turn your back on a monument
+they have in the middle and look up, you can see none other than Coty’s
+sign. So I said to Dorothy, does it not really give you a thrill to
+realize that that is the historical spot where Mr. Coty makes all the
+perfume? So then Dorothy said that she supposed Mr. Coty came to Paris
+and he smelled Paris and he realized that something had to be done. So
+Dorothy will really never have any reverance.
+
+So then we saw a jewelry store and we saw some jewelry in the window
+and it really seemed to be a very very great bargain but the price
+marks all had francs on them and Dorothy and I do not seem to be
+mathematical enough to tell how much francs is in money. So we went in
+and asked and it seems it was only 20 dollars and it seems it is not
+diamonds but it is a thing called “paste” which is the name of a word
+which means imitations. So Dorothy said “paste” is the name of the word
+a girl ought to do to a gentleman that handed her one. I mean I would
+really be embarrassed, but the gentleman did not seem to understand
+Dorothy’s english.
+
+So it really makes a girl feel depressed to think a girl could not tell
+that it was nothing but an imitation. I mean a gentleman could deceeve
+a girl because he could give her a present and it would only be worth
+20 dollars. So when Mr. Eisman comes to Paris next week, if he wants to
+make me a present I will make him take me along with him because he is
+really quite an inveteran bargain hunter at heart. So the gentleman at
+the jewelry store said that quite a lot of famous girls in Paris had
+imitations of all their jewelry and they put the jewelry in the safe
+and they really wore the imitations, so they could wear it and have a
+good time. But I told him I thought that any girl who was a lady would
+not even think of having such a good time that she did not remember to
+hang on to her jewelry.
+
+So then we went back to the Ritz and unpacked our trunks with the aid
+of really a delightful waiter who brought us up some delicious luncheon
+and who is called Leon and who speaks english almost like an American
+and who Dorothy and I talk to quite a lot. So Leon said that we ought
+not to stay around the Ritz all of the time, but we really ought to see
+Paris. So Dorothy said she would go down in the lobby and meet some
+gentleman to show us Paris. So in a couple of minutes she called up on
+the telephone from the lobby and she said “I have got a French bird
+down here who is a French title nobleman, who is called a veecount so
+come on down.” So I said “How did a Frenchman get into the Ritz.” So
+Dorothy said “He came in to get out of the rain and he has not noticed
+that it is stopped.” So I said “I suppose you have picked up something
+without taxi fare as usual. Why did you not get an American gentleman
+who always have money?” So Dorothy said she thought a French gentleman
+had ought to know Paris better. So I said “He does not even know it is
+not raining.” But I went down.
+
+So the veecount was really delightful after all. So then we rode around
+and we saw Paris and we saw how devine it really is. I mean the Eyefull
+Tower is devine and it is much more educational than the London Tower,
+because you can not even see the London Tower if you happen to be two
+blocks away. But when a girl looks at the Eyefull Tower she really
+knows she is looking at something. And it would even be very difficult
+not to notice the Eyefull Tower.
+
+So then we went to a place called the Madrid to tea and it really was
+devine. I mean we saw the Dolley Sisters and Pearl White and Mrs. Corey
+and Mrs. Nash all over again.
+
+So then we went to dinner and then we went to Momart and it really was
+devine because we saw them all over again. I mean in Momart they have
+genuine American jazz bands and quite a lot of New York people which we
+knew and you really would think you were in New York and it was devine.
+So we came back to the Ritz quite late. So Dorothy and I had quite a
+little quarrel because Dorothy said that when we were looking at Paris
+I asked the French veecount what was the name of the unknown soldier
+who is buried under quite a large monument. So I said I really did not
+mean to ask him, if I did, because what I did mean to ask him was, what
+was the name of his mother because it is always the mother of a dead
+soldier that I always seem to think about more than the dead soldier
+that has died.
+
+So the French veecount is going to call up in the morning but I am not
+going to see him again. Because French gentlemen are really quite
+deceeving. I mean they take you to quite cute places and they make you
+feel quite good about yourself and you really seem to have a delightful
+time but when you get home and come to think it all over, all you have
+got is a fan that only cost 20 francs and a doll that they gave you
+away for nothing in a restaurant. I mean a girl has to look out in
+Paris, or she would have such a good time in Paris that she would not
+get anywheres. So I really think that American gentlemen are the best
+after all, because kissing your hand may make you feel very very good
+but a diamond and safire bracelet lasts forever. Besides, I do not
+think that I ought to go out with any gentlemen in Paris because Mr.
+Eisman will be here next week and he told me that the only kind of
+gentlemen he wants me to go out with are intelectual gentlemen who are
+good for a girls brains. So I really do not seem to see many gentlemen
+around the Ritz who seem to look like they would be good for a girl’s
+brains. So tomorrow we are going to go shopping and I suppose it would
+really be to much to expect to find a gentleman who would look to Mr.
+Eisman like he was good for a girls brains and at the same time he
+would like to take us shopping.
+
+
+
+April 29th:
+
+Yesterday was quite a day. I mean Dorothy and I were getting ready to
+go shopping and the telephone rang and they said that Lady Francis
+Beekman was down stairs and she wanted to come up stairs. So I really
+was quite surprised. I mean I did not know what to say, so I said all
+right. So then I told Dorothy and then we put our brains together.
+Because it seems that Lady Francis Beekman is the wife of the gentleman
+called Sir Francis Beekman who was the admirer of mine in London who
+seemed to admire me so much that he asked me if he could make me a
+present of a diamond tiara. So it seemed as if his wife must have heard
+about it, and it really seemed as if she must have come clear over from
+London about it. So there was a very very loud knock at the door so we
+asked her to come in. So Lady Francis Beekman came in and she is a
+quite large size lady who seems to resemble Bill Hart quite a lot. I
+mean Dorothy thinks that Lady Francis Beeckman resembles Bill Hart
+quite a lot, only she really thinks she looks more like Bill Hart’s
+horse. So it seems that she said that if I did not give her back the
+diamond tiara right away, she would make quite a fuss and she would
+ruin my reputation. Because she said that something really must be
+wrong about the whole thing. Because it seems that Sir Francis Beekman
+and she have been married for 35 years and the last present he gave to
+her was a wedding ring. So Dorothy spoke up and she said “Lady you
+could no more ruin my girl friends reputation than you could sink the
+Jewish fleet.” I mean I was quite proud of Dorothy the way she stood up
+for my reputation. Because I really think that there is nothing so
+wonderful as two girls when they stand up for each other and help each
+other a lot. Because no matter how vigarous Lady Francis Beekman seems
+to be, she had to realize that she could not sink a whole fleet full of
+ships. So she had to stop talking against my reputation.
+
+So then she said she would drag it into the court and she would say
+that it was undue influence. So I said to her, “If you wear that hat
+into a court, we will see if the judge thinks it took an undue
+influence to make Sir Francis Beekman look at a girl.” So then Dorothy
+spoke up and Dorothy said “My girl friend is right, Lady. You have got
+to be the Queen of England to get away with a hat like that.” So Lady
+Francis Beekman seemed to get quite angry. So then she said she would
+send for Sir Francis Beekman where he suddenly went to Scotland, to go
+hunting when he found out that Lady Francis Beekman had found out. So
+Dorothy said “Do you mean that you have left Sir Francis Beekman loose
+with all those spendthrifts down in Scotland?” So Dorothy said she
+would better look out or he would get together with the boys some night
+and simply massacre a haypenny. I mean I always encouradge Dorothy to
+talk quite a lot when we are talking to unrefined people like Lady
+Francis Beekman, because Dorothy speaks their own languadge to
+unrefined people better than a refined girl like I. So Dorothy said,
+“You had better not send for Sir Francis Beekman because if my girl
+friend really wanted to turn loose on Sir Francis Beekman, all he would
+have left would be his title.” So then I spoke right up and said Yes
+that I was an American girl and we American girls do not care about a
+title because we American girls always say that what is good enough for
+Washington is good enough for us. So Lady Francis Beekman really seemed
+to get more angry and more angry all of the time.
+
+So then she said that if it was necessary, she would tell the judge
+that Sir Francis Beekman went out of his mind when he gave it to me. So
+Dorothy said “Lady, if you go into a court and if the judge gets a good
+look at you, he will think that Sir Francis Beekman was out of his mind
+35 years ago.” So then Lady Francis Beekman said she knew what kind of
+a person she had to deal with and she would not deal with any such a
+person because she said it hurt her dignity. So Dorothy said “Lady, if
+we hurt your dignity like you hurt our eyesight I hope for your sake,
+you are a Christian science.” So that seemed to make Lady Francis
+Beekman angry. So she said she would turn it all over to her soliciter.
+So when she went out she tripped over quite a long train which she had
+on her skirt and she nearly fell down. So Dorothy leaned out of the
+door and Dorothy called down the hall and said, “Take a tuck in that
+skirt Isabel, its 1925.” So I really felt quite depressed because I
+felt as if our whole morning was really very unrefined just because we
+had to mix with such an unrefined lady as Lady Francis Beekman.
+
+
+
+April 30th:
+
+So sure enough yesterday morning Lady Francis Beekman’s solicitor came.
+Only he really was not a solicitor, but his name was on a card and it
+seems his name is Mons. Broussard and it seems that he is an advocat
+because an advocat is a lawyer in the French landguage. So Dorothy and
+I were getting dressed and we were in our negligay as usual when there
+was quite a loud knock on the door and before we could even say come in
+he jumped right into the room. So it seems that he is of French
+extraction. I mean Lady Francis Beekman’s solicitor can really squeal
+just like a taxi driver. I mean he was squealing quite loud when he
+jumped into the room and he kept right on squealing. So Dorothy and I
+rushed into the parlor and Dorothy looked at him and Dorothy said,
+“This town has got to stop playing jokes on us every morning” because
+our nerves could not stand it. So Mons. Broussard handed us his card
+and he squealed and squealed and he really waved his arms in the air
+quite a lot. So Dorothy said He gives quite a good imitation of the
+Moulan Rouge, which is really a red wind mill, only Dorothy said he
+makes more noise and he runs on his own wind. So we stood and watched
+him for quite a long while, but he seemed to get quite monotonous after
+quite a long while because he was always talking in French, which
+really means nothing to us. So Dorothy said “Lets see if 25 francs will
+stop him, because if 5 francs will stop a taxi driver, 25 francs ought
+to stop an advocat.” Because he was making about 5 times as much noise
+as a taxi driver and 5 times 5 is 25. So as soon as he heard us start
+in to talk about francs he seemed to calm down quite a little. So
+Dorothy got her pocket book and she gave him 25 francs. So then he
+stopped squealing and he put it in his pocket, but then he got out
+quite a large size handkerchief with purple elefants on it and he
+started in to cry. So Dorothy really got discouraged and she said,
+“Look here, you have given us a quite an amusing morning but if you
+keep that up much longer, wet or dry, out you go.”
+
+So then he started in to pointing at the telephone and he seemed to
+want to use the telephone and Dorothy said, “If you think you can get a
+number over that thing, go to it, but as far as we have found out, it
+is a wall bracket.” So then he started in to telephone so Dorothy and I
+went about our business to get dressed. So when he finished telephoning
+he kept running to my door and then he kept running to Dorothy’s door,
+and he kept on crying and talking a lot, but he seemed to have lost all
+of his novelty to us so we paid no more attention to him.
+
+So finally there was another loud knock on the door so we heard him
+rush to the door so we both went in to the parlor to see what it was
+and it really was a sight. Because it was another Frenchman. So the new
+Frenchman rushed in and he yelled Papa and he kissed him. So it seems
+that it was his son because his son is really his papa’s partner in the
+advocat business. So then his papa talked quite a lot and then he
+pointed at I and Dorothy. So then his son looked at us and then his son
+let out quite a large size squeal, and he said in French “May papa,
+elles sont sharmant.” So it seems he was telling his papa in French
+that we were really charming. So then Mons. Broussard stopped crying
+and put on his glasses and took a good look at us. So then his son put
+up the window shade, so his papa could get a better look at us. So when
+his papa had finished looking at us he really became delighted. So he
+became all smiles and he pinched our cheeks and he kept on saying
+Sharmant all of the time because Sharmant means charming in the French
+languadge. So then his son broke right out into english and he really
+speaks english as good as an American. So then he told us his papa
+telephoned for him to come over because we did not seem to understand
+what his papa was saying to us. So it seems that Mons. Broussard had
+been talking to us in english all of the time but we did not seem to
+understand his kind of english. So Dorothy said, “If what your papa was
+talking in was english, I could get a gold medal for my greek.” So then
+his son told his papa and his papa laughed very very loud and he
+pinched Dorothys cheek and he was very delighted even if the joke was
+on him. So then Dorothy and I asked his son what he was saying, when he
+was talking to us in english and his son said he was telling us all
+about his client, Lady Francis Beekman. So then we asked his son why
+his papa kept crying. So then his son said his papa kept crying because
+he was thinking about Lady Francis Beekman. So Dorothy said, “If he
+cries when he thinks about her, what does he do when he looks at her?”
+So then his son explained to his papa what Dorothy said. So then Mons.
+Broussard laughed very very loud, so then he kissed Dorothy’s hand, so
+he said, after that, we would all really have to have a bottle of
+champagne. So he went to the telephone and ordered a bottle of
+champagne.
+
+So then his son said to his papa, “Why do we not ask the charming
+ladies to go out to Fountainblo to-day.” So his papa said it would be
+charming. So then I said, “How are we going to tell you gentlemen
+apart, because if it is the same in Paris as it is in America, you
+would both seem to be Monshure Broussard.” So then we got the idea to
+call them by their first name. So it seems that his son’s name is Louie
+so Dorothy spoke up and said, “I hear that they number all of you
+Louies over here in Paris.” Because a girl is always hearing some one
+talk about Louie the sixteenth who seemed to be in the anteek furniture
+business. I mean I was surprised to hear Dorothy get so historical so
+she may really be getting educated in spite of everything. But Dorothy
+told Louie he need not try to figure out his number because she got it
+the minute she looked at him. So it seems his papa’s name is Robber,
+which means Robert in French. So Dorothy started in to think about her
+25 francs and she said to Robber, “Your mother certainly knew her
+grammer when she called you that.”
+
+So Dorothy said we might as well go out to Fountainblo with Louie and
+Robber if Louie would take off his yellow spats that were made out of
+yellow shammy skin with pink pearl buttons. Because Dorothy said, “Fun
+is fun but no girl wants to laugh all of the time.” So Louie is really
+always anxious to please, so he took off his spats but when he took off
+his spats, we saw his socks and when we saw his socks we saw that they
+were Scotch plaid with small size rainbows running through them. So
+Dorothy looked at them a little while and she really became quite
+discouraged and she said, “Well Louie, I think you had better put your
+spats back on.”
+
+So then Leon, our friend who is the waiter, came in with the bottle of
+champagne. So while he was opening the bottle of champagne Louie and
+Robber talked together in French quite a lot and I really think I had
+ought to find out what they said in French because it might be about
+the diamond tiara. Because French gentlemen are very very gallant, but
+I really do not think a girl can trust one of them around a corner. So,
+when I get a chance, I am going to ask Leon what they said.
+
+So then we went to Fountainblo and then we went to Momart and we got
+home very late, and we really had quite a delightful day and night,
+even if we did not go out shopping and buy anything. But I really think
+we ought to do more shopping because shopping really seems to be what
+Paris is principaly for.
+
+
+
+May 1st:
+
+Well this morning I sent for Leon, who is Dorothy and my waiter friend,
+and I asked him what Louie and Robber said in French. So it seems that
+they said in French that we seemed to attract them very very much
+because they really thought that we were very very charming, and they
+had not met girls that were so charming in quite a long time. So it
+seems that they said that they would ask us out a lot and that they
+would charge up all the bills to Lady Francis Beekman because they
+would watch for their chance and they would steal the diamond tiara. So
+then they said that even if they could not steal it from us, we were
+really so charming that it would be delightful to go around with us,
+even if they could not steal from us. So no matter what happens they
+really could not lose. Because it seems that Lady Francis Beekman would
+be glad to pay all the bills when they told her they had to take us out
+a lot so they could watch for their chance and steal it. Because Lady
+Francis Beekman is the kind of a wealthy lady that does not spend money
+on anything else but she will always spend money on a law suit. And she
+really would not mind spending the money because it seems that
+something either I or Dorothy said to Lady Francis Beekman seemed to
+make her angry.
+
+So then I decided it was time to do some thinking and I really thought
+quite a lot. So I told Dorothy I thought I would put the real diamond
+tiara in the safe at the Ritz and then I would buy an imitation of a
+diamond tiara at the jewelry store that has the imitations that are
+called paste. So then I would leave the imitation of the diamond tiara
+lying around, so Louie and Robber could see how careless I seem to be
+with it so then they would get full of encouradgement. So when we go
+out with Louie and Robber I could put it in my hand bag and I could
+take it with me so Louie and Robber could always feel that the diamond
+tiara was within reach. So then Dorothy and I could get them to go
+shopping and we could get them to spend quite a lot and every time they
+seemed to get discouradged, I could open my hand bag, and let them get
+a glimpse of the imitation of a diamond tiara and they would become
+more encouradged and then they would spend some more money. Because I
+even might let them steal it at the last, because they were really
+charming gentlemen after all and I really would like to help Louie and
+Robber. I mean it would be quite amusing for them to steal it for Lady
+Francis Beekman and she would have to pay them quite a lot and then she
+would find out it was only made out of paste after all. Because Lady
+Francis Beekman has never seen the real diamond tiara and the imitation
+of a diamond tiara would really deceive her, at least until Louie and
+Robber got all of their money for all of the hard work they did. I mean
+the imitation of a diamond tiara would only cost about 65 dollars and
+what is 65 dollars if Dorothy and I could do some delightful shopping
+and get some delightful presents that would even seem more delightful
+when we stopped to realize that Lady Francis Beekman paid for them. And
+it would teach Lady Francis Beekman a lesson not to say what she said
+to two American girls like I and Dorothy, who were all alone in Paris
+and had no gentleman to protect them.
+
+So when I got through telling Dorothy what I thought up, Dorothy looked
+at me and looked at me and she really said she thought my brains were a
+miracle. I mean she said my brains reminded her of a radio because you
+listen to it for days and days and you get discouradged and just when
+you are getting ready to smash it, something comes out that is a
+masterpiece.
+
+So then Louie called us up so Dorothy told him that we thought it would
+be delightful if he and Robber would take us out shopping tomorrow
+morning. So then Louie asked his papa and his papa said they would. So
+then they asked us if we would like to go to see a play called The
+Foley Bergere tonight. So he said that all of the French people who
+live in Paris are always delighted to have some Americans, so it will
+give them an excuse to go to the Foley Bergere. So we said we would go.
+So now Dorothy and I are going out shopping to buy the imitation of a
+diamond tiara and we are going out window shopping to pick out where we
+would like Louie and Robber to take us shopping tomorrow.
+
+So I really think that everything always works out for the best.
+Because after all, we really need some gentlemen to take us around
+until Mr. Eisman gets to Paris and we could not go around with any
+really attractive gentlemen because Mr. Eisman only wants me to go out
+with gentlemen that have brains. So I said to Dorothy that, even if
+Louie and Robber do not look so full of brains, we could tell Mr.
+Eisman that all we were learning from them was French. So even if I
+have not seemed to learn French yet, I have really almost learned to
+understand Robbers english so when Robber talks in front of Mr. Eisman
+and I seem to understand what he is saying, Mr. Eisman will probably
+think I know French.
+
+
+
+May 2nd:
+
+So last night we went to the Foley Bergere and it really was devine. I
+mean it was very very artistic because it had girls in it that were in
+the nude. So one of the girls was a friend of Louie and he said that
+she was a very very nice girl, and that she was only 18 years of age.
+So Dorothy said, “She is slipping it over on you Louie, because how
+could a girl get such dirty knees in only 18 years?” So Louie and
+Robber really laughed very very loud. I mean Dorothy was very unrefined
+at the Foley Bergere. But I always think that when girls are in the
+nude it is very artistic and if you have artistic thoughts you think it
+is beautiful and I really would not laugh in an artistic place like the
+Foley Bergere.
+
+So I wore the imitation of a diamond tiara to the Foley Bergere. I mean
+it really would deceeve an expert and Louie and Robber could hardly
+take their eyes off of it. But they did not really annoy me because I
+had it tied on very very tight. I mean it would be fatal if they got
+the diamond tiara before Dorothy and I took them shopping a lot.
+
+So we are all ready to go shopping this morning and Robber was here
+bright and early and he is in the parlor with Dorothy and we are
+waiting for Louie. So I left the daimond tiara on the table in the
+parlor so Robber could see how careless I really am with everything but
+Dorothy is keeping her eye on Robber. So I just heard Louie come in
+because I heard him kissing Robber. I mean Louie is always kissing
+Robber and Dorothy told Louie that if he did not stop kissing Robber,
+people would think that he painted batiks.
+
+So now I must join the others and I will put the diamond tiara in my
+hand bag so that Louie and Robber will feel that it is always around
+and we will all go shopping. And I almost have to smile when I think of
+Lady Francis Beekman.
+
+
+
+May 3rd:
+
+Yesterday was really delightful. I mean Louie and Robber bought Dorothy
+and I some delightful presents. But then they began to run out of all
+the franks they had with them, so they began to get discouradged but
+just as soon as they began to get discouradged, I gave Robber my hand
+bag to hold while I went to the fitting room to try on a blouse. So he
+was cheered up quite a lot, but of course Dorothy stayed with them and
+kept her eye on Robber so he did not get a chance. But it really
+cheered him up quite a lot to even hold it.
+
+So after all their franks were gone, Robber said he would have to
+telephone to some one, so I suppose he telephoned to Lady Francis
+Beekman and she must have said All right because Robber left us at a
+place called the Cafe de la Paix because he had to go on an errand and
+when he came back from his errand he seemed to have quite a lot more
+franks. So then they took us to luncheon so that after luncheon we
+could go out shopping some more.
+
+But I am really learning quite a lot of French in spite of everything.
+I mean if you want delicious chicken and peas for luncheon all you have
+to say is “pettypas” and “pulle.” I mean French is really very easy,
+for instance the French use the word “sheik” for everything, while we
+only seem to use it for gentlemen when they seem to resemble Rudolf
+Valentino.
+
+So while we were shopping in the afternoon I saw Louie get Dorothy off
+in a corner and whisper to her quite a lot. So then I saw Robber get
+her off in a corner and whisper to her quite a lot. So when we got back
+to the Ritz, Dorothy told me why they whispered to her. So it seems
+when Louie whispered to Dorothy, Louie told Dorothy that if she would
+steal the diamond tiara from me and give it to him and not let his papa
+know, he would give her 1000 franks. Because it seems that Lady Francis
+Beekman has got her heart set on it and she will pay quite a lot for it
+because she is quite angry and when she really gets as angry as she is,
+she is only a woman with one idea. So if Louie could get it and his
+papa would not find it out, he could keep all the money for himself. So
+it seems that later on, when Robber was whispering to Dorothy, he was
+making her the same proposition for 2000 franks so that Louie would not
+find out and Robber could keep all the money for himself. So I really
+think it would be delightful if Dorothy could make some money for
+herself because it might make Dorothy get some ambishions. So tomorrow
+morning Dorothy is going to take the diamond tiara and she is going to
+tell Louie that she stole it and she is going to sell it to Louie. But
+she will make him hand over the money first and then, just as she is
+going to hand over the diamond tiara, I am going to walk in on them and
+say, “Oh there is my diamond tiara. I have been looking for it
+everywhere.” So then I will get it back. So then she will tell him that
+she might just as well keep the 1000 franks because she will steal it
+for him again in the afternoon. So in the afternoon she is going to
+sell it to Robber and I really think we will let Robber keep it.
+Because I am quite fond of Robber. I mean he is quite a sweet old
+gentleman and it is really refreshing the way he and his son love one
+another. Because even if it is unusual for an American to see a French
+gentleman always kissing his father, I really think it is refreshing
+and I think that we Americans would be better off if we American
+fathers and sons would love one another more like Louie and Robber.
+
+So Dorothy and I have quite a lot of delightful hand bags and stockings
+and handkerchiefs and scarfs and things and some quite cute models of
+evening gowns that are all covered with imitations of diamonds, only
+they do not call them “paste” when they are on a dress but they call
+them “diamonteys” and I really think a girl looks quite cute when she
+is covered all over with “diamonteys.”
+
+
+
+May 5th:
+
+So yesterday morning Dorothy sold the imitation of a diamond tiara to
+Louie. So then we got it back. So in the afternoon we all went out to
+Versigh. I mean Louie and Robber were quite delighted not to go
+shopping any more so I suppose that Lady Francis Beekman really thinks
+that there is a limit to almost everything. So I took Louie for a walk
+at Versigh so that Dorothy would have a chance to sell it to Robber. So
+then she sold it to Robber. So then he put it in his pocket. But when
+we were coming home I got to thinking things over and I really got to
+thinking that an imitation of a diamond tiara was quite a good thing to
+have after all. I mean especially if a girl goes around a lot in Paris,
+with admirers who are of the French extraction. And after all, I really
+do not think a girl ought to encouradge Robber to steal something from
+two American girls who are all alone in Paris and have no gentleman to
+protect them. So I asked Dorothy which pocket Robber put it in, so I
+sat next to him in the automobile coming home and I took it out.
+
+So we were in quite a quaint restaurant for dinner when Robber put his
+hand in his pocket and then he started in to squeal once more. So it
+seems he had lost something, so he and Louie had one of their regular
+squealing and shoulder shrugging matches. But Louie told his papa that
+he did not steal it out of his papa’s pocket. But then Robber started
+in to cry to think that his son would steal something out of his own
+papa’s pocket. So after Dorothy and I had had about all we could stand,
+I told them all about it. I mean I really felt sorry for Robber so I
+told him not to cry any more because it was nothing but paste after
+all. So then I showed it to them. So then Louie and Robber looked at
+Dorothy and I and they really held their breath. So I suppose that most
+of the girls in Paris do not have such brains as we American girls.
+
+So after it was all over, Louie and Robber seemed to be so depressed
+that I really felt sorry for them. So I got an idea. So I told them
+that we would all go out tomorrow to the imitation of a jewelry store
+and they could buy another imitation of a diamond tiara to give to Lady
+Francis Beekman and they could get the man in the jewelry store to put
+on the bill that it was a hand bag and they could charge the bill to
+Lady Francis Beekman along with the other expenses. Because Lady
+Francis Beekman had never seen the real diamond tiara anyway. So
+Dorothy spoke up and Dorothy said that as far as Lady Francis Beekman
+would know about diamonds, you could nick off a piece of ice and give
+it to her, only it would melt. So then Robber looked at me and looked
+at me, and he reached over and kissed me on the forehead in a way that
+was really full of reverance.
+
+So then we had quite a delightful evening. I mean because we all seem
+to understand one another because, after all, Dorothy and I could
+really have a platonick friendship with gentlemen like Louie and
+Robber. I mean there seems to be something common between us,
+especially when we all get to thinking about Lady Francis Beekman.
+
+So they are going to charge Lady Francis Beekman quite a lot of money
+when they give her the imitation of a diamond tiara and I told Robber
+if she seems to complane, to ask her, if she knew that Sir Francis
+Beekman sent me 10 pounds worth of orchids every day while we were in
+London. So that would make her so angry that she would be glad to pay
+almost anything to get the diamond tiara.
+
+So when Lady Francis Beekman pays them all the money, Louie and Robber
+are going to give us a dinner in our honor at Ciros. So when Mr. Eisman
+gets here on Saturday, Dorothy and I are going to make Mr. Eisman give
+Louie and Robber a dinner in their honor at Ciros because of the way
+they helped us when we were two American girls all alone in Paris and
+could not even speak the French landguage.
+
+So Louie and Robber asked us to come to a party at their sister’s house
+today but Dorothy says we had better not go because it is raining and
+we both have brand new umbrellas that are quite cute and Dorothy says
+she would not think of leaving a brand new umbrella in a French lady’s
+hall and it is no fun to hang on to an umbrella all the time you are at
+a party. So we had better be on the safe side and stay away. So we
+called up Louie and told him we had a headache but we thanked him for
+all of his hospitality. Because it is the way all the French people
+like Louie and Robber are so hospitable to we Americans that really
+makes Paris so devine.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FIVE
+
+THE CENTRAL OF EUROPE
+
+
+May 16th:
+
+I really have not written in my diary for quite a long time, because
+Mr. Eisman arrived in Paris and when Mr. Eisman is in Paris we really
+do not seem to do practically anything else but the same thing.
+
+I mean we go shopping and we go to a show and we go to Momart and when
+a girl is always going with Mr. Eisman nothing practically happens. And
+I did not even bother to learn any more French because I always seem to
+think it is better to leave French to those that can not do anything
+else but talk French. So finally Mr. Eisman seemed to lose quite a lot
+of interest in all of my shopping. So he heard about a button factory
+that was for sale quite cheaply in Vienna and as Mr. Eisman is in the
+button profession, he thought it would be a quite good thing to have a
+button factory in Vienna so he went to Vienna and he said he did not
+care if he did not ever see the rue de la Paix again. So he said if he
+thought Vienna would be good for a girl’s brains, he would send for
+Dorothy and I and we could meet him at Vienna and learn something.
+Because Mr. Eisman really wants me to get educated more than anything
+else, especially shopping.
+
+So now we have a telegram, and Mr. Eisman says in the telegram for
+Dorothy and I to take an oriental express because we really ought to
+see the central of Europe because we American girls have quite a lot to
+learn in the central of Europe. So Dorothy says if Mr. Eisman wants us
+to see the central of Europe she bets there is not a rue de la Paix in
+the whole central of Europe.
+
+So Dorothy and I are going to take an oriental express tomorrow and I
+really think it is quite unusual for two American girls like I and
+Dorothy to take an oriental express all alone, because it seems that in
+the Central of Europe they talk some other kinds of landguages which we
+do not understand besides French. But I always think that there is
+nearly always some gentleman who will protect two American girls like I
+and Dorothy who are all alone and who are traveling in the Central of
+Europe to get educated.
+
+
+
+May 17th:
+
+So now we are on an oriental express and everything seems to be quite
+unusual. I mean Dorothy and I got up this morning and we looked out of
+the window of our compartment and it was really quite unusual. Because
+it was farms, and we saw quite a lot of girls who seemed to be putting
+small size hay stacks onto large size hay stacks while their husbands
+seemed to sit at a table under quite a shady tree and drink beer. Or
+else their husbands seemed to sit on a fence and smoke their pipe and
+watch them. So Dorothy and I looked at two girls who seemed to be
+ploughing up all of the ground with only the aid of a cow and Dorothy
+said, “I think we girls have gone one step to far away from New York,
+because it begins to look to me as if the Central of Europe is no
+country for we girls.” So we both became quite worried. I mean I became
+quite depressed because if this is what Mr. Eisman thinks we American
+girls ought to learn I really think it is quite depressing. So I do not
+think we care to meet any gentlemen who have been born and raised in
+the Central of Europe. I mean the more I travel and the more I seem to
+see other gentlemen the more I seem to think of American gentlemen.
+
+So now I am going to get dressed and go to the dining car and look for
+some American gentleman and hold a conversation, because I really feel
+so depressed. I mean Dorothy keeps trying to depress me because she
+keeps saying that I will probably end up in a farm in the Central of
+Europe doing a sister act with a plough. Because Dorothy’s jokes are
+really very unrefined and I think that I will feel much better if I go
+to the dining car and have some luncheon.
+
+
+
+Well I went to the dining car and I met a gentleman who was quite a
+delightful American gentleman, I mean it was quite a co-instance,
+because we girls have always heard about Henry Spoffard and it was
+really nobody else but the famous Henry Spoffard, who is the famous
+Spoffard family, who is a very very fine old family who is very very
+wealthy. I mean Mr. Spoffard is one of the most famous familys in New
+York and he is not like most gentlemen who are wealthy, but he works
+all of the time for the good of the others. I mean he is the gentleman
+who always gets his picture in all of the newspapers because he is
+always senshuring all of the plays that are not good for peoples
+morals. And all of we girls remember the time when he was in the Ritz
+for luncheon and he met a gentleman friend of his and the gentleman
+friend had Peggy Hopkins Joyce to luncheon and he introduced Peggy
+Hopkins Joyce to Mr. Spoffard and Mr. Spoffard turned on his heels and
+walked away. Because Mr. Spoffard is a very very famous Prespyterian
+and he is really much to Prespyterian to meet Peggy Hopkins Joyce. I
+mean it is unusual to see a gentleman who is such a young gentleman as
+Mr. Spoffard be so Prespyterian, because when most gentlemen are 35
+years of age their minds nearly always seem to be on something else.
+
+So when I saw no one else but the famous Mr. Spoffard I really became
+quite thrilled. Because all of we girls have tried very hard to have an
+introduction to Henry Spoffard and it was quite unusual to be shut up
+on a train in the Central of Europe with him. So I thought it would be
+quite unusual for a girl like I to have a friendship with a gentleman
+like Mr. Spoffard, who really does not even look at a girl unless she
+at least looks like a Prespyterian. And I mean our family in Little
+Rock were really not so Prespyterians.
+
+So I thought I would sit at his table. So then I had to ask him about
+all of the money because all of the money they use in the Central of
+Europe has not even got so much sense to it as the kind of franks they
+use in Paris. Because it seems to be called kronens and it seems to
+take quite a lot of them because it takes 50,000 of them to even buy a
+small size package of cigarettes and Dorothy says if the cigarettes had
+tobacco in them, we couldn’t lift enough kronens over a counter to pay
+for a package. So this morning Dorothy and I asked the porter to bring
+us a bottle of champagne and we really did not know what to give him
+for a tip. So Dorothy said for me to take one of the things called a
+one million kronens and she would take one of them called a one million
+kronens and I would give him mine first and if he gave me quite a dirty
+look, she would give him hers. So after we paid for the bottle of
+champagne I gave him my one million kronens and before we could do
+anything else he started in to grabbing my hand and kissing my hand and
+getting down on his knees. So we finally had to push him right out of
+the compartment. So one million kronens seemed to be enough. So I told
+Mr. Spoffard how we did not know what to give the porter when he
+brought us our bottle of minral water. So then I asked him to tell me
+all about all of the money because I told him I always seem to think
+that a penny earned was a penny saved. So it really was quite unusual
+because Mr. Spoffard said that that was his favorite motto.
+
+
+
+So then we got to talking quite a lot and I told him that I was
+traveling to get educated and I told him I had a girl with me who I was
+trying to reform because I thought if she would put her mind more on
+getting educated, she would get more reformed. Because after all Mr.
+Spoffard will have to meet Dorothy sooner or later and he might wonder
+what a refined girl like I was doing with a girl like Dorothy. So Mr.
+Spoffard really became quite intreeged. Because Mr. Spoffard loves to
+reform people and he loves to senshure everything and he really came
+over to Europe to look at all the things that Americans come over to
+Europe to look at, when they really should not look at them but they
+should look at all of the museums instead. Because if that is all we
+Americans come to Europe to look at, we should stay home and look at
+America first. So Mr. Spoffard spends all of his time looking at things
+that spoil peoples morals. So Mr. Spoffard really must have very very
+strong morals or else all the things that spoil other peoples morals
+would spoil his morals. But they do not seem to spoil Mr. Spoffards
+morals and I really think it is wonderful to have such strong morals.
+So I told Mr. Spoffard that I thought that civilization is not what it
+ought to be and we really ought to have something else to take its
+place.
+
+So Mr. Spoffard said that he would come to call on Dorothy and I in our
+compartment this afternoon and we would talk it all over, if his mother
+does not seem to need him in her compartment. Because Mr. Spoffards
+mother always travels with Mr. Spoffard and he never does anything
+unless he tells his mother all about it, and asks his mother if he
+ought to. So he told me that that is the reason he has never got
+married, because his mother does not think that all of the flappers we
+seem to have nowadays are what a young man ought to marry when a young
+man is full of so many morals as Mr. Spoffard seems to be full of. So I
+told Mr. Spoffard that I really felt just like his mother feels about
+all of the flappers because I am an old fashioned girl.
+
+So then I got to worrying about Dorothy quite a lot because Dorothy is
+really not so old-fashioned and she might say something in front of Mr.
+Spoffard that might make Mr. Spoffard wonder what such an old-fashioned
+girl as I was doing with such a girl as Dorothy. So I told him how I
+was having quite a hard time reforming Dorothy and I would like to have
+him meet Dorothy so he could tell me if he really thinks I am wasting
+quite a lot of time trying to reform a girl like Dorothy. So then he
+had to go to his mother. So I really hope that Dorothy will act more
+reformed than she usually acts in front of Mr. Spoffard.
+
+Well Mr. Spoffard just left our compartment so he really came to pay a
+call on us after all. So Mr. Spoffard told us all about his mother and
+I was really very very intreeged because if Mr. Spoffard and I become
+friendly he is the kind of a gentleman that always wants a girl to meet
+his mother. I mean if a girl gets to know what kind of a mother a
+gentlemans mother is like, she really knows more what kind of a
+conversation to use on a gentleman’s mother when she meets her. Because
+a girl like I is really always on the verge of meeting gentlemen’s
+mothers. But such an unrefined girl as Dorothy is really not the kind
+of a girl that ever meets gentlemens mothers.
+
+
+
+So Mr. Spoffard says his mother has to have him take care of her quite
+a lot. Because Mr. Spoffards mothers brains have never really been so
+strong. Because it seems his mother came from such a very fine old
+family that even when she was quite a small size child she had to be
+sent to a school that was a special school for people of very fine old
+familys who had to have things very easy on their brain. So she still
+has to have things very easy on her brain, so she has a girl who is
+called her companion who goes with her everywhere who is called Miss
+Chapman. Because Mr. Spoffard says that there is always something new
+going on in the world which they did not get a chance to tell her about
+at the school. So now Miss Chapman keeps telling her instead. Because
+how would she know what to think about such a new thing as a radio, for
+instance, if she did not have Miss Chapman to tell her what it was, for
+instance. So Dorothy spoke up and Dorothy said, “What a responsibility
+that girl has got on her shoulders. For instance, what if Miss Chapman
+told her a radio was something to build a fire in, and she would get
+cold some day and stuff it full of papers and light it.” But Mr.
+Spoffard told Dorothy that Miss Chapman would never make such a
+mistake. Because he said that Miss Chapman came from a very very fine
+old family herself and she really had a fine brain. So Dorothy said,
+“If she really has got such a fine brain I bet her fine old family once
+had an ice man who could not be trusted.” So Mr. Spoffard and I did not
+pay any more attention to Dorothy because Dorothy really does not know
+how to hold a conversation.
+
+
+
+So then I and Mr. Spoffard held a conversation all about morals and Mr.
+Spoffard says he really thinks the future of everything is between the
+hands of Mr. Blank the district attorney who is the famous district
+attorney who is closing up all the places in New York where they sell
+all of the liquor. So Mr. Spoffard said that a few months ago, when Mr.
+Blank decided he would try to get the job to be the district attorney,
+he put 1,000 dollars worth of liquor down his sink. So now Mr. Blank
+says that everybody else has got to put it down their sink. So Dorothy
+spoke up, and Dorothy said, “If he poured 1,000 dollars worth down his
+sink to get himself one million dollars worth of publicity and a good
+job—when we pour it down our sink, what do we get?” But Mr. Spoffard is
+to brainy a gentleman to answer any such a foolish question. So he gave
+Dorothy a look that was full of dignity and he said he would have to go
+back to his Mother. So I was really quite angry at Dorothy. So I
+followed Mr. Spoffard down the hall of the railway train and I asked
+Mr. Spoffard if he thought I was wasting quite a lot of time reforming
+a girl like Dorothy. So Mr. Spoffard thinks I am, because he really
+thinks a girl like Dorothy will never have any reverance. So I told Mr.
+Spoffard I had wasted so much time on Dorothy it would really break my
+heart to be a failure. So then I had tears in my eyes. So Mr. Spoffard
+is really very very sympathetic because when he saw that I did not have
+any handkerchief, he took his own handkerchief and he dried up all of
+my tears. So then he said he would help me with Dorothy quite a lot and
+get her mind to running on things that are more educational.
+
+So then he said he thought that we ought to get off the train at a
+place called Munich because it was very full of art, which they call
+“kunst” in Munich, which is very, very educational. So he said he and
+Dorothy and I would get off of the train in Munich because he could
+send his mother right on to Vienna with Miss Chapman, because every
+place always seems to look alike to his mother anyway. So we are all
+going to get off the train at Munich and I can send Mr. Eisman a
+telegram when nobody is looking. Because I really do not think I will
+tell Mr. Spoffard about Mr. Eisman, because, after all, their religions
+are different and when two gentlemen have such different religions they
+do not seem to have so much to get congeneal about. So I can telegraph
+Mr. Eisman that Dorothy and I thought we would get off the train at
+Munich to look at all of the art.
+
+So then I went back to Dorothy and I told Dorothy if she did not have
+anything to say in the future to not say it. Because even if Mr.
+Spoffard is a fine old family and even if he is very Prespyterian, I
+and he could really be friendly after all and talk together quite a
+lot. I mean Mr. Spoffard likes to talk about himself quite a lot, so I
+said to Dorothy it really shows that, after all, he is just like any
+other gentleman. But Dorothy said she would demand more proof than
+that. So Dorothy says she thinks that maybe I might become quite
+friendly with Mr. Spoffard and especially with his mother because she
+thinks his mother and I have quite a lot that is common, but she says,
+if I ever bump into Miss Chapman, she thinks I will come to a kropper
+because Dorothy saw Miss Chapman when she was at luncheon and Dorothy
+says Miss Chapman is the kind of a girl that wears a collar and a tie
+even when she is not on horseback. And Dorothy said it was the look
+that Miss Chapman gave her at luncheon that really gave her the idea
+about the ice man. So Dorothy says she thinks Miss Chapman has got 3
+thirds of the brains of that trio of Geegans, because Geegans is the
+slang word that Dorothy has thought up to use on people who are society
+people. Because Dorothy says she thinks any gentleman with Mr.
+Spoffards brains had ought to spend his time putting nickels into an
+electric piano, but I did not even bother to talk back at such a girl
+as Dorothy. So now we must get ready to get off the train when the
+train gets to Munich so that we can look at all of the kunst in Munich.
+
+
+
+May 19th:
+
+Well yesterday Mr. Spoffard and I and Dorothy got off the train at
+Munich to see all of the kunst in Munich, but you only call it Munich
+when you are on the train because as soon as you get off of the train
+they seem to call it Munchen. So you really would know that Munchen was
+full of kunst because in case you would not know it, they have painted
+the word “kunst” in large size black letters on everything in Munchen,
+and you can not even see a boot black’s stand in Munchen that is not
+full of kunst.
+
+So Mr. Spoffard said that we really ought to go to the theater in
+Munchen because even the theater in Munchen was full of kunst. So we
+looked at all of the bills of all of the theaters, with the aid of
+quite an intelectual hotel clerk who seemed to be able to read it and
+tell us what it said, because it really meant nothing to us. So it
+seems they were playing Kiki in Munchen, so I said, let us go and see
+Kiki because we have seen Lenore Ulric in New York and we would really
+know what it is all about even if they do not seem to talk the English
+landguage. So then we went to the Kunst theater. So it seems that
+Munchen is practically full of Germans and the lobby of the Kunst
+theater was really full of Germans who stand in the lobby and drink
+beer and eat quite a lot of Bermudian onions and garlick sausage and
+hard boiled eggs and beer before all of the acts. So I really had to
+ask Mr. Spoffard if he thought we had come to the right theatre because
+the lobby seemed to smell such a lot. I mean when the smell of beer
+gets to be anteek it gets to smell quite a lot. But Mr. Spoffard seemed
+to think that the lobby of the Kunst theatre did not smell any worse
+than all of the other places in Munich. So then Dorothy spoke up and
+Dorothy said “You can say what you want about the Germans being full of
+‘kunst,’ but what they are really full of is delicatessen.”
+
+So then we went into the Kunst theater. But the Kunst theater does not
+seem to smell so good as the lobby of the Kunst theater. And the Kunst
+theater seems to be decorated with quite a lot of what tripe would look
+like if it was pasted on the wall and gilded. Only you could not really
+see the gilding because it was covered with quite a lot of dust. So
+Dorothy looked around and Dorothy said, if this is “kunst,” the art
+center of the world is Union Hill New Jersey.
+
+So then they started in to playing Kiki but it seems that it was not
+the same kind of a Kiki that we have in America, because it seemed to
+be all about a family of large size German people who seemed to keep
+getting in each others ways. I mean when a stage is completely full of
+2 or 3 German people who are quite large size, they really cannot help
+it if they seem to get in each others ways. So then Dorothy got to
+talking with a young gentleman who seemed to be a German gentleman who
+sat back of her, who she thought was applauding. But what he was really
+doing was he was cracking a hard boiled egg on the back of her chair.
+So he talked English with quite an accent that seemed to be quite a
+German accent. So Dorothy asked him if Kiki had come out on the stage
+yet. So he said no, but she was really a beautiful german actress who
+came clear from Berlin and he said we should really wait until she came
+out, even if we did not seem to understand it. So finally she came out.
+I mean we knew it was her because Dorothy’s German gentleman friend
+nudged Dorothy with a sausage. So we looked at her, and we looked at
+her and Dorothy said, “If Schuman Heinke still has a grandmother, we
+have dug her up in Munchen.” So we did not bother to see any more of
+Kiki because Dorothy said she would really have to know more about the
+foundations of that building before she would risk our lives to see
+Kiki do that famous scene where she faints in the last act. Because
+Dorothy said, if the foundations of that building were as anteek as the
+smell, there was going to be a catasterophy when Kiki hit the floor. So
+even Mr. Spoffard was quite discouradged, but he was really glad
+because he said he was 100 per cent. of an American and it served the
+Germans right for starting such a war against all we Americans.
+
+
+
+May 20th:
+
+Well today Mr. Spoffard is going to take me all around to all of the
+museums in Munchen, which are full of kunst that I really ought to look
+at, but Dorothy said she had been punished for all of her sins last
+night, so now she is going to begin life all over again by going out
+with her German gentleman friend, who is going to take her to a house
+called the Half Brow house which is the worlds largest size of a Beer
+Hall. So Dorothy said I could be a high brow and get full of kunst, but
+she is satisfide to be a Half brow and get full of beer. But Dorothy
+will really never be full of anything else but unrefinement.
+
+
+
+May 21st:
+
+Well Mr. Spoffard and I and Dorothy are on the train again and we are
+all going to Vienna. I mean Mr. Spoffard and I spent one whole day
+going through all of the museums in Munchen, but I am really not even
+going to think about it. Because when something terrible happens to me,
+I always try to be a Christian science and I simply do not even think
+about it, but I deny that it ever happened even if my feet do seem to
+hurt quite a lot. So even Dorothy had quite a hard day in Munchen
+because her German gentleman friend, who is called Rudolf, came for her
+at 11 oclock to take her to breakfast. But Dorothy told him that she
+had had her breakfast. But her gentleman friend said that he had had
+his first breakfast to, but it was time for his second. So he took
+Dorothy to the Half Brow house where everybody eats white sausages and
+pretzels and beer at 11 oclock. So after they had their white sausages
+and beer he wanted to take her for a ride but they could only go a few
+blocks because by then it was time for luncheon. So they ate quite a
+lot of luncheon and then he bought her a large size box of chocolates
+that were full of liqueurs, and took her to the matinee. So after the
+first act Rudolf got hungry and they had to go and stand in the lobby
+and have some sandwitches and beer. But Dorothy did not enjoy the show
+very much and so after the second act Rudolf said they would leave
+because it was time for tea anyway. So after quite a heavy tea, Rudolph
+asked her to dinner and Dorothy was to overcome to say No. So after
+dinner they went to a beer garden for beer and pretzels. But finally
+Dorothy began to come to, and she asked him to take her back to the
+hotel. So Rudolf said he would, but they had better have a bite to eat
+first. So today Dorothy really feels just as discouradged as I seem to
+feel, only Dorothy is not a Christian science and all she can do is
+suffer.
+
+But in spite of all of my Christian science, I am really beginning to
+feel quite discouradged about Vienna. I mean Mr. Eisman is in Vienna,
+and I do not see how I can spend quite a lot of time with Mr. Eisman
+and quite a lot of time with Mr. Spoffard and keep them from meeting
+one another. Because Mr. Spoffard might not seem to understand why Mr.
+Eisman seems to spend quite a lot of money to get me educated. And
+Dorothy keeps trying to depress me about Miss Chapman because she says
+she thinks that when Miss Chapman sees I and Mr. Spoffard together she
+thinks that Miss Chapman will cable for the familys favorite lunacy
+expert. So I have got to be as full of Christian science as I can and
+always hope for the best.
+
+
+
+May 25th:
+
+So far everything has really worked out for the best. Because Mr.
+Eisman is very very busy all day with the button profession, and he
+tells me to run around with Dorothy all day. So I and Mr. Spoffard run
+around all day. So then I tell Mr. Spoffard that I really do not care
+to go to all of the places that you go to at night, but I will go to
+bed and get ready for tomorrow instead. So then Dorothy and I go to
+dinner with Mr. Eisman and then we go to a show, and we stay up quite
+late at a cabaret called the Chapeau Rouge and I am able to keep it all
+up with the aid of champagne. So if we keep our eye out for Mr.
+Spoffard and do not all bump into one another when he is out looking at
+things that we Americans really should not look at, it will all work
+out for the best. I mean I have even stopped Mr. Spoffard looking at
+museums because I tell him that I like nature better, and when you look
+at nature you look at it in a horse and buggy in the park and it is
+much easier on the feet. So now he is beginning to talk about how he
+would like me to meet his mother, so everything really seems for the
+best after all.
+
+But I have quite a hard time with Mr. Eisman at night. I mean at night
+Mr. Eisman is in quite a state, because every time he makes an
+engagement about the button factory, it is time for all the gentlemen
+in Vienna to go to the coffee house and sit. Or else every time he
+makes an engagement about the button factory, some Viennese gentleman
+gets the idea to have a picknick and they all put on short pants and
+bare knees and they all put a feather in their hat, and they all walk
+to the Tyrol. So it really discouradges Mr. Eisman quite a lot. But if
+anyone ought to get discouradged I think that I ought to get
+discouradged because after all when a girl has had no sleep for a week
+a girl can not help it if she seems to get discouradged.
+
+
+
+May 27th:
+
+Well finaly I broke down and Mr. Spoffard said that he thought a little
+girl like I, who was trying to reform the whole world was trying to do
+to much, especially beginning on a girl like Dorothy. So he said there
+was a famous doctor in Vienna called Dr. Froyd who could stop all of my
+worrying because he does not give a girl medicine but he talks you out
+of it by psychoanalysis. So yesterday he took me to Dr. Froyd. So Dr.
+Froyd and I had quite a long talk in the english landguage. So it seems
+that everybody seems to have a thing called inhibitions, which is when
+you want to do a thing and you do not do it. So then you dream about it
+instead. So Dr. Froyd asked me, what I seemed to dream about. So I told
+him that I never really dream about anything. I mean I use my brains so
+much in the day time that at night they do not seem to do anything else
+but rest. So Dr. Froyd was very very surprized at a girl who did not
+dream about anything. So then he asked me all about my life. I mean he
+is very very sympathetic, and he seems to know how to draw a girl out
+quite a lot. I mean I told him things that I really would not even put
+in my diary. So then he seemed very very intreeged at a girl who always
+seemed to do everything she wanted to do. So he asked me if I really
+never wanted to do a thing that I did not do. For instance did I ever
+want to do a thing that was really vialent, for instance, did I ever
+want to shoot someone for instance. So then I said I had, but the
+bullet only went in Mr. Jennings lung and came right out again. So then
+Dr. Froyd looked at me and looked at me and he said he did not really
+think it was possible. So then he called in his assistance and he
+pointed at me and talked to his assistance quite a lot in the Viennese
+landguage. So then his assistance looked at me and looked at me and it
+really seems as if I was quite a famous case. So then Dr. Froyd said
+that all I needed was to cultivate a few inhibitions and get some
+sleep.
+
+
+
+May 29th:
+
+Things are really getting to be quite a strain. Because yesterday Mr.
+Spoffard and Mr. Eisman were both in the lobby of the Bristol hotel and
+I had to pretend not to see both of them. I mean it is quite an easy
+thing to pretend not to see one gentleman, but it is a quite hard thing
+to pretend not to see two gentlemen. So something has really got to
+happen soon, or I will have to admit that things seem to be happening
+that are not for the best.
+
+So this afternoon Dorothy and I had an engagement to meet Count Salm
+for tea at four o’clock, only you do not call it tea at Vienna but you
+seem to call it “yowzer” and you do not drink tea at Vienna but you
+drink coffee instead. I mean it is quite unusual to see all of the
+gentlemen at Vienna stop work, to go to yowzer about one hour after
+they have all finished their luncheon, but time really does not seem to
+mean so much to Viennese gentlemen except time to get to the coffee
+house, which they all seem to know by instincts, or else they really do
+not seem to mind if they make a mistake and get there to early. Because
+Mr. Eisman says that when it is time to attend to the button
+profession, they really seem to lose all of their interest until Mr.
+Eisman is getting so nervous he could scream.
+
+So we went to Deimels and met Count Salm. But while we were having
+yowzer with Count Salm, we saw Mr. Spoffard’s mother come in with her
+companion Miss Chapman, and Miss Chapman seemed to look at me quite a
+lot and talk to Mr. Spoffards mother about me quite a lot. So I became
+quite nervous, because I really wished that we were not with Count
+Salm. I mean it has been quite a hard thing to make Mr. Spoffard think
+that I am trying to reform Dorothy, but if I had to try to make him
+think that I was trying to reform Count Salm, he might begin to think
+that there is a limit to almost everything. So Mr. Spoffards mother
+seems to be deaf, because she seems to use an ear trumpet and I really
+could not help over hearing quite a lot of words that Miss Chapman was
+using on me, even if it is not such good etiquet to overhear people. So
+Miss Chapman seemed to be telling Mr. Spoffards mother that I was a
+“creature,” and she seemed to be telling her that I was the real reason
+why her son seemed to be so full of nothing but neglect lately. So then
+Mr. Spoffards mother looked at me and looked at me, even if it was not
+such good etiquet to look at a person. And Miss Chapman kept right on
+talking to Mr. Spoffards mother and I heard her mention Willie Gwynn
+and I think that Miss Chapman has been making some inquiries about me
+and I really think that she has heard about the time when all of the
+family of Willie Gwynn had quite a long talk with me and persuaded me
+not to marry Willie Gwynn for $10,000. So I really wish Mr. Spoffard
+would introduce me to his mother before she gets to be full of quite a
+lot of prejudice. Because one thing seems to be piling up on top of
+another thing, until I am almost on the verge of getting nervous and I
+have not had any time yet to do what Dr. Froyd said a girl ought to do.
+
+So tonight I am going to tell Mr. Eisman that I have got to go to bed
+early, so then I can take quite a long ride with Mr. Spoffard and look
+at nature, and he may say something definite, because nothing makes
+gentlemen get so definite as looking at nature when it is moonlight.
+
+
+
+May 30th:
+
+Well last night Mr. Spoffard and I took quite a long ride in the park,
+but they do not call it a park in the Viennese landguage but they call
+it the Prater. So a prater is really devine because it is just like
+Coney Island but at the same time it is in the woods and it is
+practically full of trees and it has quite a long road for people to
+take rides on in a horse and buggy. So I found out that Miss Chapman
+had been talking against me quite a lot. So it seems that she has been
+making inquiries about me, and I was really surprised to hear all of
+the things that Miss Chapman seemed to find out about me except that
+she did not find out about Mr. Eisman educating me. So then I had to
+tell Mr. Spoffard that I was not always so reformed as I am now,
+because the world was full of gentlemen who were nothing but wolfs in
+sheeps clothes, that did nothing but take advantadge of all we girls.
+So I really cried quite a lot. So then I told him how I was just a
+little girl from Little Rock when I first left Little Rock and by that
+time even Mr. Spoffard had tears in his eyes. So I told him how I came
+from a very very good family because papa was very intelectual, and he
+was a very very prominent Elk, and everybody always said that he was a
+very intelectual Elk. So I told Mr. Spoffard that when I left Little
+Rock I thought that all of the gentlemen did not want to do anything
+but protect we girls and by the time I found out that they did not want
+to protect us so much, it was to late. So then he cried quite a lot. So
+then I told him how I finaly got reformed by reading all about him in
+the newspapers and when I saw him in the oriental express it really
+seemed to be nothing but the result of fate. So I told Mr. Spoffard
+that I thought a girl was really more reformed if she knew what it was
+to be unreformed than if she was born reformed and never really knew
+that was the matter with her. So then Mr. Spoffard reached over and he
+kissed me on the forehead in a way that was full of reverance and he
+said I seemed to remind him quite a lot of a girl who got quite a
+write-up in the bible who was called Magdellen. So then he said that he
+used to be a member of the choir himself, so who was he to cast the
+first rock at a girl like I.
+
+So we rode around in the Prater until it was quite late and it really
+was devine because it was moonlight and we talked quite a lot about
+morals, and all the bands in the prater were all playing in the
+distants “Mama love Papa”. Because “Mama love Papa” has just reached
+Vienna and they all seem to be crazy about “Mama love Papa” even if it
+is not so new in America. So then he took me home to the hotel.
+
+So everything always works out for the best, because this morning Mr.
+Spoffard called up and told me he wanted me to meet his mother. So I
+told him I would like to have luncheon alone with his mother because we
+could have quite a little tatatate if there was only two of us. So I
+told him to bring his mother to our room for luncheon because I thought
+that Miss Chapman could not walk into our room and spoil everything.
+
+So he brought his mother down to our sitting room and I put on quite a
+simple little organdy gown that I had ripped all of the trimming off
+of, and I had a pair of black lace mitts that Dorothy used to wear in
+the Follies and I had a pair of shoes that did not have any heels on
+them. So when he introduced us to each other I dropped her a courtesy
+because I always think it is quite quaint when a girl drops quite a lot
+of courtesys. So then he left us alone and we had quite a little talk
+and I told her that I did not seem to like all of the flappers that we
+seem to have nowadays, because I was brought up to be more old
+fashioned. So then Mr. Spoffards mother told me that Miss Chapman said
+that she had heard that I was not so old fashioned. But I told her that
+I was so old fashioned that I was always full of respect for all of my
+elders and I would not dare to tell them everything they ought to do,
+like Miss Chapman seems to tell her everything she ought to do, for
+instants.
+
+So then I ordered luncheon and I thought some champagne would make her
+feel quite good for luncheon so I asked her if she liked champagne. So
+she really likes champagne very very much but Miss Chapman thinks it is
+not so nice for a person to drink liquor. But I told her that I was a
+Christian science, and all of we Christian science seem to believe that
+there can not really be any harm in anything, so how can there be any
+harm in a small size bottle of champagne? So she never seemed to look
+at it in that kind of a light before, because she said that Miss
+Chapman believed in Christian science also, but what Miss Chapman
+believed about things that were good for you to drink seemed to apply
+more towards water. So then we had luncheon and she began to feel very
+very good. So I thought that we had better have another bottle of
+champagne because I told her that I was such an ardent Christian
+science that I did not even believe there could be any harm in two
+bottles of champagne. So we had another bottle of champagne and she
+became very intreeged about Christian science because she said that she
+really thought it was a better religion than Prespyterians. So she said
+Miss Chapman used to try to get her to use it on things, but Miss
+Chapman never seemed to have such a large size grasp of the Christian
+science religion as I seem to have.
+
+So then I told her that I thought Miss Chapman was jealous of her good
+looks. So then she said that that was true, because Miss Chapman would
+always make her wear hats that were made out of black horses hair
+because horses hair does not weigh so much on a persons brain. So I
+told her I was going to give her one of my hats that has got quite
+large size roses on it. So then I got it out, but we could not get it
+on her head because hats are quite small on account of hair being
+bobbed. So I thought I would get the sissors and bob her head, but then
+I thought I had done enough to her for one day.
+
+So Henry’s mother said that I was really the most sunshine that she
+ever had in all her life and when Henry came back to take his Mother up
+to her room, she did not want to go. But after he got her away he
+called me up on the telephone and he was qiute excited and he said he
+wanted to ask me something that was very very important. So I said I
+would see him tonight.
+
+But now I have got to see Mr. Eisman because I have an idea about doing
+something that is really very very important that has got to be done at
+once.
+
+
+
+May 31st:
+
+Well I and Dorothy and Mr. Eisman are on a train going to a place
+called Buda Pest. So I did not see Henry again before I left, but I
+left him a letter. Because I thought it would be a quite good thing if
+what he wanted to ask me he would have to write down, instead of asking
+me, and he could not write it to me if I was in the same city that he
+is in. So I told him in my letter that I had to leave in five minute’s
+time because I found out that Dorothy was just on the verge of getting
+very unreformed, and if I did not get her away, all I had done for her
+would really go for nothing. So I told him to write down what he had to
+say to me, and mail it to me at the Ritz hotel in Buda Pest. Because I
+always seem to believe in the old addage, Say it in writing.
+
+So it was really very easy to get Mr. Eisman to leave Vienna, because
+yesterday he went out to see the button factory but it seems that all
+of the people at the button factory were not at work but they were
+giving a birthday party to some saint. So it seems that every time some
+saint has a birthday they all stop work so they can give it a birthday
+party. So Mr. Eisman looked at their calendar, and found out that some
+saint or other was born practically every week in the year. So he has
+decided that America is good enough for him.
+
+So Henry will not be able to follow me to Buda Pest because his mother
+is having treatments by Dr. Froyd and she seems to be a much more
+difficult case than I seem to be. I mean it is quite hard for Dr.
+Froyd, because she cannot seem to remember which is a dream and which
+really happened to her. So she tells him everything, and he has to use
+his judgement. I mean when she tells him that a very very handsome
+young gentleman tried to flirt with her on Fifth Avenue, he uses his
+judgement.
+
+So we will soon be at a Ritz hotel again and I must say it will be
+delightful to find a Ritz hotel right in the central of Europe.
+
+
+
+June 1st:
+
+Well yesterday Henrys letter came and it says in black and white that
+he and his mother have never met such a girl as I and he wants me to
+marry him. So I took Henrys letter to the photographers and I had quite
+a lot of photographs taken of it because a girl might lose Henrys
+letter and she would not have anything left to remember him by. But
+Dorothy says to hang on to Henry’s letter, because she really does not
+think the photographs do it justice.
+
+So this afternoon I got a telegram from Henry and the telegram says
+that Henry’s father is very, very ill in New York and they have got to
+leave for New York immediately and his heart is broken not to see me
+again and to send him my answer by telegraph so that his mind will be
+rested while he is going back to New York. So I sent him a telegram and
+I accepted his proposal. So tonight I got another telegram and Henry
+says that he and his mother are very very happy and Henrys mother can
+hardly bear Miss Chapman any more and Henry says he hopes I will decide
+to come right back to New York and keep his mother quite a lot of
+company, because he thinks I can reform Dorothy more in New York
+anyway, where there is prohibition and nobody can get anything to
+drink.
+
+So now I have got to make up my mind whether I really want to marry
+Henry after all. Because I know to much to get married to any gentleman
+like Henry without thinking it all over. Because Henry is the kind of a
+gentleman who gets on a girls nerves quite a lot and when a gentleman
+has nothing else to do but get on a girls nerves, there really seems to
+be a limit to almost everything. Because when a gentleman has a
+business, he has an office and he has to be there, but when a
+gentlemans business is only looking into other peoples business, a
+gentleman is always on the verge of coming in and out of the house. And
+a girl could not really say that her time was her own. And when Henry
+was not in and out of the house, his mother would always be in and out
+of the house because she seems to think that I am so full of nothing
+but sunshine. So it is quite a problem and I seem to be in quite a
+quarandary, because it might really be better if Henry should happen to
+decide that he should not get married, and he should change his mind,
+and desert a girl, and then it would only be right if a girl should sue
+him for a breach of promise.
+
+But I really think, whatever happens, that Dorothy and I had better get
+back to New York. So I will see if Mr. Eisman will send us back. I mean
+I really do not think that Mr. Eisman will mind us going back because
+if he does, I will start shopping again and that always seems to bring
+him to terms. But all the time I am going back to New York, I will have
+to try to make up my mind one way or another. Because we girls really
+can not help it, if we have ideals, and sometimes my mind seems to get
+to running on things that are romantic, and I seem to think that maybe
+there is some place in the world where there is a gentleman who knows
+how to look and act like Count Salm and who has got money besides. And
+when a girls mind gets to thinking about such a romantic thing, a girls
+mind really does not seem to know whether to marry Henry or not.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SIX
+
+BRAINS ARE REALLY EVERYTHING
+
+
+June 14th:
+
+Well, Dorothy and I arrived at New York yesterday because Mr. Eisman
+finally decided to send us home because he said that all of his button
+profession would not stand the strain of educating me much more in
+Europe. So we separated from Mr. Eisman in Buda Pest because Mr. Eisman
+had to go to Berlin to look up all of his starving relatives in Berlin,
+who have done nothing but starve since the War, so he wrote me just
+before we sailed and he said that he had dug up all his starving
+relatives and he had looked them all over, and decided not to bring
+them to America because there was not one of his starving relatives who
+could travel on a railroad ticket without paying excess fare for
+overweight.
+
+So Dorothy and I took the boat and all the way over on the boat I had
+to make up my mind whether I really wanted to marry the famous Henry H.
+Spoffard, or not, because he was waiting for me to arrive at New York
+and he was so impatient that he could hardly wait for me to arrive at
+New York. But I have not wasted all of my time on Henry, even if I do
+not marry him, because I have some letters from Henry which would come
+in very, very handy if I did not marry Henry. So Dorothy seems to agree
+with me quite a lot, because Dorothy says the only thing she could
+stand being to Henry, would be to be his widow at the age of 18.
+
+So coming over on the boat I decided not to bother to meet any
+gentleman, because what good does it do to meet gentlemen when there is
+nothing to do on a boat but go shopping at a little shop where they do
+not have any thing that costs more than five dollars. And besides if I
+did meet any gentleman on the boat, he would want to see me off the
+boat, and then we would bump into Henry. But then I heard that there
+was a gentleman on the boat who was quite a dealer in unset diamonds
+from a town called Amsterdam. So I met the gentleman, and we went
+around together quite a lot, but we had quite a quarrel the night
+before we landed, so I did not even bother to look at him when I came
+down the gangplank, and I put the unset diamonds in my handbag so I did
+not have to declare them at the customs.
+
+So Henry was waiting for me at the customs, because he had come up from
+Pennsylvania to meet me, because their country estate is at
+Pennsylvania, and Henry’s father is very, very ill at Pennsylvania, so
+Henry has to stay there practically all of the time. So all of the
+reporters were at the customs and they all heard about how Henry and I
+were engaged to one another and they wanted to know what I was before I
+became engaged to Henry, so I told them that I was nothing but a
+society girl from Little Rock, Arkansas. So then I became quite angry
+with Dorothy because one of the reporters asked Dorothy when I made my
+debut in society at Little Rock and Dorothy said I made my debut at the
+Elks annual street fair and carnival at the age of 15, I mean Dorothy
+never overlooks any chance to be unrefined, even when she is talking to
+literary gentlemen like reporters.
+
+So Henry brought me to the apartment in his Rolls Royce, and while we
+were coming to the apartment he said he wanted to give me my engagement
+ring and I really became all thrills. So he said that he had gone to
+Cartiers and he had looked over all the engagement rings in Cartiers
+and after he had looked them all over he had decided that they were not
+half good enough for me. So then he took a box out of his pocket and I
+really became intreeged. So then Henry said that when he looked at all
+of those large size diamonds he really felt that they did not have any
+sentiment, so he was going to give me his class ring from Amherst
+College insted. So then I looked at him and looked at him, but I am to
+full of self controle to say anything at this stage of the game, so I
+said it was really very sweet of him to be so full of nothing but
+sentiment.
+
+So then Henry said that he would have to go back to Pennsylvania to
+talk to his father about us getting married, because his father has
+really got his heart set on us not getting married. So I told Henry
+that perhaps if I would meet his father, I would win him over, because
+I always seem to win gentlemen over. But Henry says that that is just
+the trouble, because some girl is always winning his father over, and
+they hardly dare to let him go out of their sight, and they hardly dare
+let him go to church alone. Because the last time he went to church
+alone some girl won him over on the street corner and he arrived back
+home with all of his pocket money gone, and they could not believe him
+when he said that he had put it in the plate, because he has not put
+more than a dime in the plate for the last fifty years.
+
+So it seems that the real reason why his father does not want Henry to
+marry me, is because his father says that Henry always has all of the
+fun, and every time Henry’s father wants to have some fun of his own,
+Henry always stops him and Henry will not even let him be sick at a
+hospital where he could have some fun of his own, but he keeps him at
+home where he has to have a nurse Henry picked out for him who is a
+male nurse. So all of his objections seem to be nothing but the spirit
+of resiprosity. But Henry says that all his objections cannot last much
+longer because he is nearly 90 years of age after all, and Nature must
+take its course sooner or later.
+
+So Dorothy says what a fool I am to waste my time on Henry, when I
+might manage to meet Henry’s father and the whole thing would be over
+in a few months and I would practically own the state of Pennsylvania.
+But I do not think I ought to take Dorothy’s advise because Henry’s
+father is watched like a hawk and Henry himself is his Power of
+Attorney, so no good could really come of it after all. And, after all,
+why should I listen to the advise of a girl like Dorothy who travelled
+all over Europe and all she came home with was a bangle!
+
+So Henry spent the evening at the apartment and then he had to go back
+to Pennsylvania to be there Thursday morning, because every Thursday
+morning he belongs to a society who do nothing but senshure all of the
+photoplays. So they cut out all of the pieces out of all the photoplays
+that show things that are riskay, that people ought not to look at. So
+then they put all of the riskay pieces together and they run them over
+and over again. So it would really be quite a hard thing to drag Henry
+away from one of his Thursday mornings and he can hardly wait from one
+Thursday morning to another. Because he really does not seem to enjoy
+anything so much as senshuring photoplays and after a photoplay has
+once been senshured he seems to lose all of his interest in it.
+
+So after Henry left I held quite a conversation with Lulu, who is my
+maid who looked out for my apartment while I was away. So Lulu really
+thinks I ought to marry Mr. Spoffard after all, because Lulu says that
+she kept studying Mr. Spoffard all of the time she was unpacking my
+trunks, and Lulu says she is sure that any time I feel as if I had to
+get away from Mr. Spoffard I could just set him down on the floor, and
+give him a packet of riskay french postcards to senshure and stay away
+as long as I like.
+
+So Henry is going to arrange for me to come down to Pennsylvania for a
+week-end and meet all of his family. But if all of Henry’s family are
+as full of reforms as Henry seems to be, it will be quite an ordeal
+even for a girl like I.
+
+
+
+June 15th:
+
+Yesterday morning was quite an ordeal for a refined girl because all of
+the newspapers all printed the story of how Henry and I are engaged to
+one another, but they all seemed to leave out the part about me being a
+society girl except one newspaper, and that was the newspaper that
+quoted what Dorothy said about me being a debutant at the Elk’s
+Carnival. So I called up Dorothy at the Ritz and I told Dorothy that a
+girl like she ought to keep her mouth closed in the presents of
+reporters.
+
+So it seems that quite a lot of reporters kept calling Dorothy up but
+Dorothy said she really did not say anything to any of them except one
+reporter asked her what I used for money and she told him buttons. But
+Dorothy really should not have said such a thing, because quite a few
+people seem to know that Mr. Eisman is educating me and that he is
+known all over Chicago as Gus Eisman the Button King, so one thing
+might suggest another until people’s minds might begin to think
+something.
+
+But Dorothy said that she did not say anything more about me being a
+debutant at Little Rock, because after all Dorothy knows that I really
+did not make any debut in Little Rock, because just when it was time to
+make my debut, my gentleman friend Mr. Jennings became shot, and after
+the trial was over and all of the Jury had let me off, I was really
+much to fatigued to make any debut.
+
+So then Dorothy said, why don’t we throw a party now and you can become
+a debutant now and put them all in their place, because it seems that
+Dorothy is dying for a party. So that is really the first sensible
+suggestion that Dorothy has made yet, because I think that every girl
+who is engaged to a gentleman who has a fine old family like Henry, had
+really ought to be a debutant. So I told her to come right over and we
+would plan my debut but we would keep it very, very quiet and give it
+tomorrow night, because if Henry heard I was making my debut he would
+come up from Pennsylvania and he would practically spoil the party,
+because all Henry has to do to spoil a party is to arrive at it.
+
+So Dorothy came over and we planned my debut. So first we decided to
+have some engraved invitations engraved, but it always takes quite a
+little time to have invitations engraved, and it would really be
+foolish because all of the gentlemen we were going to invite to my
+debut were all members of the Racquet Club, so I could just write out a
+notice that I was having a debut and give it to Willie Gwynn and have
+Willie Gwynn post it on the Racquet Club board.
+
+So Willie Gwynn posted it on the club board and then he called me up
+and he told me that he had never seen so much enthusiasm since the
+Dempsey-Firpo fight, and he said that the whole Racquet Club would be
+there in a body. So then we had to plan about what girls we would ask
+to my debut. Because I have not seemed to meet so many society women
+yet because of course a girl does not meet society women until her
+debut is all over, and then all the society women all come and call on
+a debutant. But I know practically all of the society men, because
+practically all of the society men belong to the Racquet club, so after
+I have the Racquet Club at my debut, all I have to do to take my real
+place in society is to meet their mothers and sisters, because I know
+practically all of their sweethearts now.
+
+But I always seem to think that it is delightful to have quite a lot of
+girls at a party, if a girl has quite a lot of gentlemen at a party,
+and it is quite delightful to have all the girls from the Follies, but
+I really could not invite them because, after all, they are not in my
+set. So then I thought it all over and I thought that even if it was
+not etiquette to invite them to a party, it really would be etiquette
+to hire them to come to a party and be entertainers, and after they
+were entertainers they could mix in to the party and it really would
+not be a social error.
+
+So then the telephone rang and Dorothy answered it and it seems that it
+was Joe Sanguinetti, who is almost the official bootlegger for the
+whole Racquet Club, and Joe said he had heard about my debut and if he
+could come to my debut and bring his club which is the Silver Spray
+Social Club of Brooklyn, he would supply all of the liquor and he would
+guarantee to practically run the rum fleet up to the front door.
+
+So Dorothy told him he could come, and she hung up the telephone before
+she told me his proposition, and I became quite angry with Dorothy
+because, after all, the Silver Spray Social Club is not even mentioned
+in the Social Register and it has no place at a girl’s debut. But
+Dorothy said by the time the party got into swing, anyone would have to
+be a genius if he could tell whether he belonged to the Racquet Club,
+the Silver Spray Social Club, or the Knights of Pythias. But I really
+was almost sorry that I asked Dorothy to help plan my debut, except
+that Dorothy is very good to have at a party if the police come in,
+because Dorothy always knows how to manage the police, and I never knew
+a policeman yet who did not finish up by being madly in love with
+Dorothy. So then Dorothy called up all of the reporters on all of the
+newspapers and invited them all to my debut, so they could see it with
+their own eyes.
+
+So Dorothy says that she is going to see to it that my debut lands on
+the front page of all of the newspapers, if we have to commit a murder
+to do it.
+
+
+
+June 19th:
+
+Well, it has been three days since my debut party started but I finally
+got tired and left the party last night and went to bed because I
+always seem to lose all of my interest in a party after a few days, but
+Dorothy never loses her interest in a party and when I woke up this
+morning Dorothy was just saying goodbye to some of the guests. I mean
+Dorothy seems to have quite a lot of vitality, because the last guests
+of the party were guests we picked up when the party went to take a
+swim at Long Beach the day before yesterday, and they were practically
+fresh, but Dorothy had gone clear through the party from beginning to
+end without even stopping to go to a Turkish bath as most of the
+gentlemen had to do. So my debut has really been very novel, because
+quite a lot of the guests who finished up at my debut were not the same
+guests that started out at it, and it is really quite novel for a girl
+to have so many different kinds of gentlemen at her debut. So it has
+really been a very great success because all of the newspapers have
+quite a lot of write-ups about my debut and I really felt quite proud
+when I saw the front page of the Daily Views and it said in large size
+headlines, “LORELEI’S DEBUT A WOW!” And Zits’ Weekly came right out and
+said that if this party marks my entrance into society, they only hope
+that they can live to see what I will spring once I have overcome my
+debutant reserve and taken my place in the world.
+
+So I really had to apologise to Dorothy about asking Joe Sanguinetti to
+my debut because it was wonderful the way he got all of the liquor to
+the party and he more than kept his word. I mean he had his bootleggers
+run up from the wharf in taxis, right to the apartment, and the only
+trouble he had was, that once the bootleggers delivered the liquor, he
+could not get them to leave the party. So finally there was quite a
+little quarrel because Willie Gwynn claimed that Joe’s bootleggers were
+snubbing the members of his club because they would not let the boys
+from the Racquet club sing in their quartet. But Joe’s bootleggers said
+that the Racquet club boys wanted to sing songs that were unrefined,
+while they wanted to sing songs about Mother. So then everybody started
+to take sides, but the girls from the Follies were all with Joe’s
+bootleggers from the start because practically all we girls were
+listening to them with tears steaming from our eyes. So that made the
+Racquet club jealous and one thing led to another until somebody rang
+for an ambulants and then the police came in.
+
+So Dorothy, as usual, won over all of the police. So it seems that the
+police all have orders from Judge Schultzmeyer, who is the famous judge
+who tries all of the prohibition cases, that any time they break into a
+party that looks like it was going to be a good party, to call him up
+no matter what time of the day or night it is, because Judge
+Schultzmeyer dearly loves a party. So the Police called up Judge
+Schultzmeyer and he was down in less than no time. So during the party
+both Joe Sanguinetti and Judge Schultzmeyer fell madly in love with
+Dorothy. So Joe and the Judge had quite a little quarrel and the Judge
+told Joe that if his stuff was fit to drink he would set the Law after
+him and confiscate it, but his stuff was not worth the while of any
+gentleman to confiscate who had any respect for his stomach, and he
+would not lower himself to confiscate it. So along about nine o’clock
+in the morning Judge Schultzmeyer had to leave the party and go to
+court to try all of the criminals who break all of the laws, so he had
+to leave Dorothy and Joe together and he was very very angry. And I
+really felt quite sorry for any person who went up before Judge
+Schultzmeyer that morning, because he gave everybody 90 days and was
+back at the party by twelve o’clock. So then he stuck to the party
+until we were all going down to Long Beach to take a swim day before
+yesterday when he seemed to become unconscious, so we dropped him off
+at a sanitorium in Garden City.
+
+So my debut party was really the greatest success of the social season,
+because the second night of my debut party was the night when Willie
+Gwynn’s sister was having a dance at the Gwynn estate on Long Island,
+and Willie Gwynn said that all of the eligible gentlemen in New York
+were conspicuous by their absents at his sister’s party, because they
+were all at my party. So it seems as if I am really going to be quite a
+famous hostess if I can just bring my mind to the point of being Mrs.
+Henry Spoffard Jr.
+
+Well Henry called up this morning and Henry said he had finally got his
+father’s mind so that he thought it was safe for me to meet him and he
+was coming up to get me this afternoon so that I can meet his family
+and see his famous old historical home at Pennsylvania. So then he
+asked about my debut party which some of the Philadelphia papers seemed
+to mention. But I told him that my debut was really not so much
+planned, as it was spontaneous, and I did not have the heart to call
+him up at a moments notice and take him away from his father at such a
+time for reasons which were nothing but social.
+
+So now I am getting ready to visit Henry’s family and I feel as if my
+whole future depends on it. Because if I can not stand Henry’s family
+any more than I can stand Henry the whole thing will probly come to an
+end in the law court.
+
+
+
+June 21st:
+
+Well, I am now spending the weekend with Henry’s family at his old
+family mansion outside of Philadelphia, and I am beginning to think,
+after all, that there is something else in the world besides family.
+And I am beginning to think that family life is only fit for those who
+can stand it. For instants, they always seem to get up very early in
+Henry’s family. I mean it really is not so bad to get up early when
+there is something to get up early about, but when a girl gets up early
+and there is nothing to get up early about, it really begins to seem as
+if there was no sense to it.
+
+So yesterday we all got up early and that was when I met all of Henry’s
+family, because Henry and I motored down to Pennsylvania and everybody
+was in bed when we arrived because it was after nine o’clock. So in the
+morning Henry’s mother came to my room to get me up in time for
+breakfast because Henry’s mother is very very fond of me, and she
+always wants to copy all of my gowns and she always loves to look
+through all of my things to see what I have got. So she found a box of
+liqueur candies that are full of liqueurs and she was really very
+delighted. So I finally got dressed and she threw the empty box away
+and I helped her down stairs to the Dining room.
+
+So Henry was waiting in the dining room with his sister and that was
+when I met his sister. So it seems that Henry’s sister has never been
+the same since the war, because she never had on a man’s collar and a
+necktie until she drove an ambulants in the war, and now they cannot
+get her to take them off. Because ever since the armistice Henry’s
+sister seems to have the idea that regular womens clothes are
+effiminate. So Henry’s sister seems to think of nothing but either
+horses or automobiles and when she is not in a garage the only other
+place she is happy in is a stable. I mean she really pays very little
+attention to all of her family and she seems to pay less attention to
+Henry than anybody else because she seems to have the idea that Henry’s
+brains are not so viril. So then we all waited for Henry’s father to
+come in so that he could read the Bible out loud before breakfast.
+
+So then something happened that really was a miracle. Because it seems
+that Henry’s father has practically lived in a wheel chair for months
+and months and his male nurse has to wheel him everywhere. So his male
+nurse wheeled him into the dining room in his wheel chair and then
+Henry said “Father, this is going to be your little daughter in law,”
+and Henry’s father took one good look at me and got right out of his
+wheel chair and walked! So then everybody was very very surprised, but
+Henry was not so surprised because Henry knows his father like a book.
+So then they all tried to calm his father down, and his father tried to
+read out of the Bible but he could hardly keep his mind on the Bible
+and he could hardly eat a bite because when a gentleman is as feeble as
+Henry’s father is, he cannot keep one eye on a girl and the other eye
+on his cereal and cream without coming to grief. So Henry finally
+became quite discouradged and he told his father he would have to get
+back to his room or he would have a relapse. So then the male nurse
+wheeled him back to his room and it really was pathetic because he
+cried like a baby. So I got to thinking over what Dorothy advised me
+about Henry’s father and I really got to thinking that if Henry’s
+father could only get away from everybody and have some time of his
+own, Dorothy’s advise might not be so bad after all.
+
+So after breakfast we all got ready to go to church, but Henry’s sister
+does not go to church because Henry’s sister always likes to spend
+every Sunday in the garage taking their Ford farm truck apart and
+putting it back together again, and Henry says that what the war did to
+a girl like his sister is really worse than the war itself.
+
+So then Henry and his mother and I all went to church. So we came home
+from church and we had luncheon and it seems that luncheon is
+practically the same as breakfast except that Henry’s father could not
+come down to luncheon because after he met me he contracted such a
+vialent fever that they had to send for the Doctor.
+
+So in the afternoon Henry went to prayer meeting and I was left alone
+with Henry’s mother so that we could rest up so that we could go to
+church again after supper. So Henry’s mother thinks I am nothing but
+sunshine and she will hardly let me get out of her sight, because she
+hates to be by herself because, when she is by herself, her brains
+hardly seem to work at all. So she loves to try on all of my hats and
+she loves to tell me how all the boys in the choir can hardly keep
+their eyes off her. So of course a girl has to agree with her, and it
+is quite difficult to agree with a person when you have to do it
+through an ear trumpet because sooner or later your voice has to give
+out.
+
+So then supper turned out to be practically the same thing as luncheon
+only by supper time all of the novelty seemed to wear off. So then I
+told Henry that I had to much of a headache to go to church again, so
+Henry and his mother went to church and I went to my room and I sat
+down and thought and I decided that life was really to short to spend
+it in being proud of your family, even if they did have a great deal of
+money. So the best thing for me to do is to think up some scheme to
+make Henry decide not to marry me and take what I can get out of it and
+be satisfied.
+
+
+
+June 22nd:
+
+Well, yesterday I made Henry put me on the train at Philadelphia and I
+made him stay at Philadelphia so he could be near his father if his
+father seemed to take any more relapses. So I sat in my drawing room on
+the train and I decided that the time had come to get rid of Henry at
+any cost. So I decided that the thing that discouradges gentlemen more
+than anything else is shopping. Because even Mr. Eisman, who was
+practically born for we girls to shop on, and who knows just what to
+expect, often gets quite discouradged over all of my shopping. So I
+decided I would get to New York and I would go to Cartiers and run up
+quite a large size bill on Henry’s credit, because after all our
+engagement has been announced in all of the newspapers, and Henry’s
+credit is really my credit.
+
+So while I was thinking it all over there was a knock on the drawing
+room door, so I told him to come in and it was a gentleman who said he
+had seen me quite a lot in New York and he had always wanted to have an
+introduction to me, because we had quite a lot of friends who were
+common. So then he gave me his card and his name was on his card and it
+was Mr. Gilbertson Montrose and his profession is a senario writer. So
+then I asked him to sit down and we held a literary conversation.
+
+So I really feel as if yesterday was a turning point in my life,
+because at last I have met a gentleman who is not only an artist but
+who has got brains besides. I mean he is the kind of a gentleman that a
+girl could sit at his feet and listen to for days and days and nearly
+always learn something or other. Because, after all, there is nothing
+that gives a girl more of a thrill than brains in a gentleman,
+especially after a girl has been spending the week end with Henry. So
+Mr. Montrose talked and talked all of the way to New York and I sat
+there and did nothing else but listen. So according to Mr. Montrose’s
+opinion Shakespear is a very great playwrite, and he thinks that Hamlet
+is quite a famous tragedy and as far as novels are concerned he
+believes that nearly everybody had ought to read Dickens. And when we
+got on the subject of poetry he recited “The Shooting of Dan McGrew”
+until you could almost hear the gun go off.
+
+And then I asked Mr. Montrose to tell me all about himself. So it seems
+that Mr. Montrose was on his way home from Washington D. C., where he
+went to see the Bulgarian Ambassadore to see if he could get Bulgaria
+to finance a senario he has written which is a great historical subject
+which is founded on the sex life of Dolly Madison. So it seems that Mr.
+Montrose has met quite a lot of Bulgarians in a Bulgarian restaurant on
+Lexington Avenue and that was what gave him the idea to get the money
+from Bulgaria. Because Mr. Montrose said that he could fill his senario
+full of Bulgarian propoganda, and he told the Bulgarian Ambassadore
+that every time he realised how ignorant all of the American film fans
+were on the subject of Bulgaria, it made him flinch.
+
+So I told Mr. Montrose that it made me feel very very small to talk to
+a gentleman like he, who knew so much about Bulgaria, because
+practically all I knew about Bulgaria was Zoolack. So Mr. Montrose said
+that the Bulgarian Ambassadore did not seem to think that Dolly Madison
+had so much about her that was pertinent to present day Bulgaria, but
+Mr. Montrose explained to him that that was because he knew practically
+nothing about dramatic construction. Because Mr. Montrose said he could
+fix his senario so that Dolly Madison would have one lover who was a
+Bulgarian, who wanted to marry her. So then Dolly Madison would get to
+wondering what her great, great grandchildren would be like if she
+married a Bulgarian, and then she could sit down and have a vision of
+Bulgaria in 1925. So that was when Mr. Montrose would take a trip to
+Bulgaria to photograph the vision. But the Bulgarian Ambassadore turned
+down the whole proposition, but he gave Mr. Montrose quite a large size
+bottle of the Bulgarian national drink. So the Bulgarian national drink
+looks like nothing so much as water, and it really does not taste so
+strong, but about five minutes afterwards you begin to realise your
+mistake. But I thought to myself that if realizing my mistake could
+make me forget what I went through in Pennsylvania, I really owed it to
+myself to forget everything. So then we had another drink.
+
+So then Mr. Montrose told me that he had quite a hard time getting
+along in the motion picture profession, because all of his senarios are
+all over their head. Because when Mr. Montrose writes about sex, it is
+full of sychology, but when everybody else writes about it, it is full
+of nothing but transparent negligays and ornamental bath tubs. And Mr.
+Montrose says that there is no future in the motion pictures until the
+motion pictures get their sex motives straightened out, and realize
+that a woman of 25 can have just as many sex problems as a flapper of
+16. Because Mr. Montrose likes to write about women of the world, and
+he refuses to have women of the world played by small size girls of 15
+who know nothing about life and who have not even been in the detention
+home.
+
+So we both arrived in New York before we realized it, and I got to
+thinking how the same trip with Henry in his Rolls Royce seemed like
+about 24 hours, and that was what gave me the idea that money was not
+everything, because after all, it is only brains that count. So Mr.
+Montrose took me home and we are going to have luncheon together at the
+Primrose Tea room practically every day and keep right on holding
+literary conversations.
+
+So then I had to figure out how to get rid of Henry and at the same
+time not do anything that would make me any trouble later. So I sent
+for Dorothy because Dorothy is not so good at intreeging a gentleman
+with money, but she ought to be full of ideas on how to get rid of one.
+
+So at first Dorothy said, Why didn’t I take a chance and marry Henry
+because she had an idea that if Henry married me he would commit
+suicide about two weeks later. But I told her about my plan to do quite
+a lot of shopping, and I told her that I would send for Henry and I
+would manage it so that I would not be in the apartment when he came,
+but she could be there and start a conversation with him and she could
+tell him about all of my shopping and how extravagant I seemed to be
+and he would be in the poor house in less than a year if he married me.
+
+So Dorothy said for me to take one farewell look at Henry and leave him
+to her, because the next time I saw him would be in the witness box and
+I might not even recognize him because she would throw a scare into him
+that might change his whole physical appearance. So I decided to leave
+him in the hands of Dorothy and hope for the best.
+
+
+
+July 10th:
+
+Well, last month was really almost a diary in itself, and I have to
+begin to realize that I am one of the kind of girls that things happen
+to. And I have to admit, after all, that life is really wonderful.
+Because so much has happened in the last few weeks that it almost makes
+a girl’s brains whirl.
+
+I mean in the first place I went shopping at Cartiers and bought quite
+a delightful square cut emerald and quite a long rope of pearls on
+Henry’s credit. So then I called up Henry on the long distants
+telephone and told him that I wanted to see him quite a lot, so he was
+very very pleased and he said that he would come right up to New York.
+
+So then I told Dorothy to come to the apartment and be there when Henry
+came, and to show Henry what I bought on his credit, and to tell him
+how extravagant I seem to be, and how I seem to keep on getting worse.
+So I told Dorothy to go as far as she liked, so long as she did not
+insinuate anything against my character, because the more spotless my
+character seems to be, the better things might turn out later. So Henry
+was due at the apartment about 1.20, so I had Lulu get some luncheon
+for he and Dorothy and I told Dorothy to tell him that I had gone out
+to look at the Russian Crown Jewels that some Russian Grand Duchess or
+other had for sale at the Ritz.
+
+So then I went to the Primrose Tea Room to have luncheon with Mr.
+Montrose because Mr. Montrose loves to tell me of all his plans, and he
+says that I seem to remind him quite a lot of a girl called Madame
+Recamier who all the intelectual gentlemen used to tell all of their
+plans to, even when there was a French revolution going on all around
+them.
+
+So Mr. Montrose and I had a delicious luncheon, except that I never
+seem to notice what I am eating when I am with Mr. Montrose because
+when Mr. Montrose talks a girl wants to do nothing but listen. But all
+of the time I was listening, I was thinking about Dorothy and I was
+worrying for fear Dorothy would go to far, and tell Henry something
+that would not be so good for me afterwards. So finally even Mr.
+Montrose seemed to notice it, and he said “What’s the matter little
+woman, a penny for your thoughts.”
+
+So then I told him everything. So he seemed to think quite a lot and
+finally he said to me “It is really to bad that you feel as if the
+social life of Mr. Spoffard bored you, because Mr. Spoffard would be
+ideal to finance my senario.” So then Mr. Montrose said that he had
+been thinking from the very first how ideal I would be to play Dolly
+Madison. So that started me thinking and I told Mr. Montrose that I
+expected to have quite a large size ammount of money later on, and I
+would finance it myself. But Mr. Montrose said that would be to late,
+because all of the motion picture corporations were after it now, and
+it would be snaped up almost immediately.
+
+So then I became almost in a panick, because I suddenly decided that if
+I married Henry and worked in the motion pictures at the same time,
+society life with Henry would not really be so bad. Because if a girl
+was so busy as all that, it really would not seem to matter so much if
+she had to stand Henry when she was not busy. But then I realized what
+Dorothy was up to, and I told Mr. Montrose that I was almost afraid it
+was to late. So I hurried to the telephone and I called up Dorothy at
+the apartment and I asked her what she had said to Henry. So Dorothy
+said that she showed him the square cut emerald and told him that I
+bought it as a knick-knack to go with a green dress, but I had got a
+spot on the dress, so I was going to give them both to Lulu. So she
+said she showed him the pearls and she said that after I had bought
+them, I was sorry I did not get pink ones because white ones were so
+common, so I was going to have Lulu unstring them and sew them on a
+negligay. So then she told him she was rather sorry I meant to buy the
+Russian Crown jewels because she had a feeling they were unlucky, but
+that I had said to her, that if I found out they were, I could toss
+them over my left shoulder into the Hudson river some night when there
+was a new moon, and it would take away the curse.
+
+So then she said that Henry began to get restless. So then she told him
+she was very glad I was going to get married at last because I had had
+such bad luck, that every time I became engaged something seemed to
+happen to my fiance. So Henry asked her what, for instance. So Dorothy
+said a couple were in the insane asylum, one had shot himself for debt,
+and the county farm was taking care of the remainder. So Henry asked
+her how they got that way. So Dorothy told him it was nothing but my
+extravagants, and she told him that she was surprised that he had never
+heard about it, because all I had to do was to take luncheon at the
+Ritz with some prominent broker and the next day the bottom would drop
+out of the market. And she told him that she did not want to insinuate
+anything, but that I had dined with a very, very prominent German the
+day before German marks started to colapse.
+
+So I became almost frantic and I told Dorothy to hold Henry at the
+apartment until I could get up there and explain. So I held the
+telephone while Dorothy went to see if Henry would wait. So Dorothy
+came back in a minute and she said that the parlor was empty, but that
+if I would hurry down to Broadway no doubt I would see a cloud of dust
+heading towards the Pennsylvania station, and that would be Henry.
+
+So then I went back to Mr. Montrose, and I told him that I must catch
+Henry at the Pennsylvania Station at any cost. And if anyone were to
+say that we left the Primrose tea room in a hurry, they would be
+putting it quite mildly. So we got to the Pennsylvania station and I
+just had time to get on board the train to Philadelphia and I left Mr.
+Montrose standing at the train biting his finger nails in all of his
+anxiety. But I called out to him to go to his Hotel and I would
+telephone the result as soon as the train arrived.
+
+So then I went through the train, and there was Henry with a look on
+his face which I shall never forget. So when he saw me he really seemed
+to shrink to ½ his natural size. So I sat down beside him and I told
+him that I was really ashamed of how he acted, and if his love for me
+could not stand a little test that I and Dorothy had thought up, more
+in the spirit of fun than anything else, I never wanted to speak to
+such a gentleman again. And I told him that if he could not tell the
+difference between a real square cut emerald and one from the ten cent
+store, that he had ought to be ashamed of himself. And I told him that
+if he thought that every string of white beads were pearls, it was no
+wonder he could make such a mistake in judging the character of a girl.
+So then I began to cry because of all of Henry’s lack of faith. So then
+he tried to cheer me up but I was to hurt to even give him a decent
+word until we were past Newark. But by the time we were past Newark,
+Henry was crying himself, and it always makes me feel so tender hearted
+to listen to a gentleman cry that I finally forgave him. So, of course,
+as soon as I got home I had to take them back to Cartiers.
+
+So then I explained to Henry how I wanted our life to mean something
+and I wanted to make the World a better place than it seemed to have
+been yet. And I told him that he knew so much about the film profession
+on account of senshuring all of the films that I thought he had ought
+to go into the film profession. Because I told him that a gentleman
+like he really owed it to the world to make pure films so that he could
+be an example to all of the other film corporations and show the world
+what pure films were like. So Henry became very, very intreeged because
+he had never thought of the film profession before. So then I told him
+that we could get H. Gilbertson Montrose to write the senarios, and he
+to senshure them, and I could act in them and by the time we all got
+through, they would be a work of art. But they would even be purer than
+most works of art seem to be. So by the time we got to Philadelphia
+Henry said that he would do it, but he really did not think I had ought
+to act in them. But I told him from what I had seen of society women
+trying to break into the films, I did not believe that it would be so
+declasée if one of them really landed. So I even talked him into that.
+
+So when we got to Henry’s country estate, we told all of Henry’s family
+and they were all delighted. Because it is the first time since the war
+that Henry’s family have had anything definite to put their minds on. I
+mean Henry’s sister really jumped at the idea because she said she
+would take charge of the studio trucks and keep them at a bed-rock
+figure. So I even promised Henry’s mother that she could act in the
+films. I mean I even believe that we could put in a close-up of her
+from time to time, because after all, nearly every photoplay has to
+have some comedy relief. And I promised Henry’s father that we would
+wheel him through the studio and let him look at all of the actresses
+and he nearly had another relapse. So then I called up Mr. Montrose and
+made an appointment with him to meet Henry and talk it all over, and
+Mr. Montrose, said, “Bless you, little woman.”
+
+So I am almost beginning to believe it, when everybody says I am
+nothing but sunshine because everybody I come into contract with always
+seems to become happy. I mean with the exception of Mr. Eisman. Because
+when I got back to New York, I opened all of his cablegrams and I
+realized that he was due to arrive on the Aquitania the very next day.
+So I met him at the Aquitania and I took him to luncheon at the Ritz
+and I told him all about everything. So then he became very, very
+depressed because he said that just as soon as he had got me all
+educated, I had to go off and get married. But I told him that he
+really ought to be very proud of me, because in the future, when he
+would see me at luncheon at the Ritz as the wife of the famous Henry H.
+Spoffard, I would always bow to him, if I saw him, and he could point
+me out to all of his friends and tell them that it was he, Gus Eisman
+himself, who educated me up to my station. So that cheered Mr. Eisman
+up a lot and I really do not care what he says to his friends, because,
+after all, his friends are not in my set, and whatever he says to them
+will not get around in my circle. So after our luncheon was all over, I
+really think that, even if Mr. Eisman was not so happy, he could not
+help having a sort of a feeling of relief, especially when he thinks of
+all my shopping.
+
+So after that came my wedding and all of the Society people in New York
+and Philadelphia came to my wedding and they were all so sweet to me,
+because practically every one of them has written a senario. And
+everybody says my wedding was very, very beautiful. I mean even Dorothy
+said it was very beautiful, only Dorothy said she had to concentrate
+her mind on the massacre of the Armenians to keep herself from laughing
+right out loud in everybody’s face. But that only shows that not even
+Matrimony is sacred to a girl like Dorothy. And after the wedding was
+over, I overheard Dorothy talking to Mr. Montrose and she was telling
+Mr. Montrose that she thought that I would be great in the movies if he
+would write me a part that only had three expressions, Joy, Sorrow, and
+Indigestion. So I do not really believe that Dorothy is such a true
+friend after all.
+
+So Henry and I did not go on any honeymoon because I told Henry that it
+really would be selfish for us to go off alone together, when all of
+our activities seemed to need us so much. Because, after all, I have to
+spend quite a lot of time with Mr. Montrose going over the senario
+together because, Mr. Montrose says I am full of nothing so much as
+ideas.
+
+So, in order to give Henry something to do while Mr. Montrose and I are
+working on the senario I got Henry to organize a Welfare League among
+all of the extra girls and get them to tell him all of their problems
+so he can give them all of his spiritual aid. And it has really been a
+very, very great success, because there is not much work going on at
+the other studios at present so all of the extra girls have nothing
+better to do and they all know that Henry will not give them a job at
+our studio unless they belong. So the worse they tell Henry they have
+been before they met him, the better he likes it and Dorothy says that
+she was at the studio yesterday and she says that if the senarios those
+extra girls have written around themselves to tell Henry could only be
+screened and gotten past the sensors, the movies would move right up
+out of their infancy.
+
+So Henry says that I have opened up a whole new world for him and he
+has never been so happy in his life. And it really seems as if everyone
+I know has never been so happy in their lives. Because I make Henry let
+his father come to the studio every day because, after all, every
+studio has to have somebody who seems to be a pest, and in our case it
+might just as well be Henry’s father. So I have given orders to all of
+the electricians not to drop any lights on him, but to let him have a
+good time because, after all, it is the first one he has had. And as
+far as Henry’s mother is concerned, she is having her hair bobbed and
+her face lifted and getting ready to play Carmen because she saw a girl
+called Madam Calve play it when she was on her honeymoon and she has
+always really felt that she could do it better. So I do not discouradge
+her, but I let her go ahead and enjoy herself. But I am not going to
+bother to speak to the electricians about Henry’s mother. And Henry’s
+sister has never been so happy since the Battle of Verdun, because she
+has six trucks and 15 horses to look after and she says that the motion
+picture profession is the nearest thing to war that she has struck
+since the Armistice. And even Dorothy is very happy because Dorothy
+says that she has had more laughs this month than Eddie Cantor gets in
+a year. But when it comes to Mr. Montrose, I really believe that he is
+happier than anybody else, because of all of the understanding and
+sympathy he seems to get out of me.
+
+And so I am very happy myself because, after all, the greatest thing in
+life is to always be making everybody else happy. And so, while
+everybody is so happy, I really think it is a good time to finish my
+diary because after all, I am to busy going over my senarios with Mr.
+Montrose, to keep up any other kind of literary work. And I am so busy
+bringing sunshine into the life of Henry that I really think, with
+everything else I seem to acomplish, it is all a girl had ought to try
+to do. And so I really think that I can say good-bye to my diary
+feeling that, after all, everything always turns out for the best.
+
+
+
+                                  THE END
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 66829 ***
diff --git a/66829-h/66829-h.htm b/66829-h/66829-h.htm
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-

-<div style='text-align:center; font-size:1.2em; font-weight:bold'>The Project Gutenberg eBook of "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes", by Anita Loos</div>

-

-<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>

-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and

-most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions

-whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms

-of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online

-at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you

-are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the

-country where you are located before using this eBook.

-</div>

-

-<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"</p>

-<p style='display:block; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:0;'>The Illuminating Diary of a Professional Lady</p>

-

-<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Anita Loos</div>

-

-<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: November 27, 2021 [eBook #66829]</div>

-

-<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div>

-

-<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Character set encoding: UTF-8</div>

-

-<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: Jeroen Hellingman and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.)</div>

-

-<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK "GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES" ***</div>

-<div class="front">

-<div class="div1 cover"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divBody">

-<p class="first"></p>

-<div class="figure cover-imagewidth"><img src="images/cover.jpg" alt="Original Front Cover." width="492" height="720"></div><p>

-</p>

-</div>

-</div>

-<div class="div1 frenchtitle"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divBody">

-<p class="first xd31e95">“<i>Gentlemen Prefer Blondes</i>”

-</p>

-</div>

-</div>

-<div class="div1 frontispiece"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divBody">

-<p class="first"></p>

-<div class="figure frontispiecewidth"><img src="images/frontispiece.jpg" alt="“Kissing your hand may make you feel very good but a diamond bracelet lasts forever.”" width="369" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>Kissing your hand may make you feel very good but a diamond bracelet lasts forever.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-</div>

-</div>

-<div class="div1 titlepage"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divBody">

-<p class="first"></p>

-<div class="figure titlepage-imagewidth"><img src="images/titlepage.png" alt="Original Title Page." width="420" height="720"></div><p>

-</p>

-</div>

-</div>

-<div class="titlePage">

-<div class="docTitle">

-<div class="mainTitle">“<i>Gentlemen Prefer Blondes</i>”</div>

-<div class="subTitle"><i>The Illuminating Diary of a Professional Lady</i></div>

-</div>

-<div class="byline"><i>By</i><br>

-<span class="docAuthor">Anita Loos</span>

-<br>

-<i>Intimately Illustrated by</i><br>

-<span class="docAuthor">RALPH BARTON</span></div>

-<div class="docImprint"><i>NEW YORK</i><br>

-BONI &amp; LIVERIGHT<br>

-<span class="docDate">1925</span></div>

-</div>

-<p></p>

-<div class="div1 copyright"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divBody">

-<p class="first xd31e143"><i>Copyright, 1925, by</i><br>

-<span class="sc">The International Magazine Co., Inc.</span><br>

-(<span class="sc">Harper’s <span class="sic">Bazar</span></span>)

-</p>

-<p class="xd31e143"><i>Copyright, 1925, by</i> <span class="sc">Anita Loos</span>

-</p>

-<p class="xd31e143"><i>Printed in the United States of America</i>

-</p>

-<div class="table">

-<table>

-<tr>

-<td class="cellLeft cellTop">First printing, November, </td>

-<td class="cellRight cellTop">1925</td>

-</tr>

-<tr>

-<td class="cellLeft">Second printing, November, </td>

-<td class="cellRight">1925</td>

-</tr>

-<tr>

-<td class="cellLeft">Third printing, December, </td>

-<td class="cellRight">1925</td>

-</tr>

-<tr>

-<td class="cellLeft">Fourth printing, December, </td>

-<td class="cellRight">1925</td>

-</tr>

-<tr>

-<td class="cellLeft">Fifth printing, January, </td>

-<td class="cellRight">1926</td>

-</tr>

-<tr>

-<td class="cellLeft">Sixth printing, January, </td>

-<td class="cellRight">1926</td>

-</tr>

-<tr>

-<td class="cellLeft">Seventh printing, January, </td>

-<td class="cellRight">1926</td>

-</tr>

-<tr>

-<td class="cellLeft">Eighth printing, February, </td>

-<td class="cellRight">1926</td>

-</tr>

-<tr>

-<td class="cellLeft">Ninth printing, March, </td>

-<td class="cellRight">1926</td>

-</tr>

-<tr>

-<td class="cellLeft">Tenth printing, March, </td>

-<td class="cellRight">1926</td>

-</tr>

-<tr>

-<td class="cellLeft">Eleventh printing, April, </td>

-<td class="cellRight">1926</td>

-</tr>

-<tr>

-<td class="cellLeft cellBottom">Twelfth printing, April, </td>

-<td class="cellRight cellBottom">1926</td>

-</tr>

-</table>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-</div>

-</div>

-<div class="div1 dedication"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divBody">

-<p class="first xd31e229">To<br>

-JOHN EMERSON

-</p>

-</div>

-</div>

-<div id="toc" class="div1 contents"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divHead">

-<h2 class="main">CONTENTS</h2>

-<table class="tocList">

-<tr>

-<td class="tocDivNum">CHAPTER</td>

-<td class="tocDivTitle" colspan="7">

-</td>

-<td class="tocPageNum">PAGE</td>

-</tr>

-<tr>

-<td class="tocDivNum">I.</td>

-<td class="tocDivTitle" colspan="7"> <span class="sc"><a href="#ch1" id="xd31e249">Gentlemen Prefer Blondes</a></span> </td>

-<td class="tocPageNum">11</td>

-</tr>

-<tr>

-<td class="tocDivNum">II.</td>

-<td class="tocDivTitle" colspan="7"> <span class="sc"><a href="#ch2" id="xd31e259">Fate Keeps on Happening</a></span> </td>

-<td class="tocPageNum">39</td>

-</tr>

-<tr>

-<td class="tocDivNum">III.</td>

-<td class="tocDivTitle" colspan="7"> <span class="sc"><a href="#ch3" id="xd31e269">London Is Really Nothing</a></span> </td>

-<td class="tocPageNum">63</td>

-</tr>

-<tr>

-<td class="tocDivNum">IV.</td>

-<td class="tocDivTitle" colspan="7"> <span class="sc"><a href="#ch4" id="xd31e279">Paris Is Devine</a></span> </td>

-<td class="tocPageNum">93</td>

-</tr>

-<tr>

-<td class="tocDivNum">V.</td>

-<td class="tocDivTitle" colspan="7"> <span class="sc"><a href="#ch5" id="xd31e289">The Central of Europe</a></span> </td>

-<td class="tocPageNum">131</td>

-</tr>

-<tr>

-<td class="tocDivNum">VI.</td>

-<td class="tocDivTitle" colspan="7"> <span class="sc"><a href="#ch6" id="xd31e299">Brains Are Really Everything</a></span> </td>

-<td class="tocPageNum">175</td>

-</tr>

-</table>

-<p><span class="pageNum" id="pb11">[<a href="#pb11">11</a>]</span></p>

-</div>

-</div>

-</div>

-<div class="body">

-<div id="ch1" class="div1 chapter"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#xd31e249">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divHead">

-<h2 class="super">GENTLEMEN<br>

-PREFER BLONDES</h2>

-<h2 class="label">CHAPTER ONE</h2>

-<h2 class="main">GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES</h2>

-</div>

-<div class="divBody">

-<p class="first dateentry"><i>March 16th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>A gentleman friend and I were dining at the Ritz last evening and he said that if

-I took a pencil and a paper and put down all of my thoughts it would make a book.

-This almost made me smile as what it would really make would be a whole row of <span class="sic" title="Correction: encyclopedias">encyclopediacs</span>. I mean I seem to be thinking practically all of the time. I mean it is my favorite

-recreation and sometimes I sit for hours and do not seem to do anything else but think.

-So this gentleman said a girl with brains ought to do something else with them besides

-think. And he said he ought to know brains when he sees them, because he is in the

-senate and he spends quite a great deal of time in Washington, <span class="sic" title="Correction: D.C.">d. c.</span>, and when he comes into <span class="sic" title="Correction: contact">contract</span> with <span class="pageNum" id="pb12">[<a href="#pb12">12</a>]</span>brains he always notices it. So it might have all blown over but this morning he sent

-me a book. And so when my maid brought it to me, I said to her, “Well, Lulu, here

-is another book and we have not read half the ones we have got yet.” But when I opened

-it and saw that it was all a blank I remembered what my gentleman acquaintance said,

-and so then I realized that it was a diary. So here I am writing a book instead of

-reading one.

-</p>

-<p>But now it is the 16th of March and of course it is <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> late to begin with January, but it does not matter as my gentleman friend, Mr. Eisman,

-was in town practically all of January and February, and when he is in town one day

-seems to be practically the same as the next day.

-</p>

-<p>I mean Mr. Eisman is in the wholesale button profession in Chicago and he is the gentleman

-who is known practically all over Chicago as Gus Eisman the Button King. And he is

-the gentleman who is interested in educating me, so of course he is always coming

-down to New York to see how my brains have improved since the last time. But when

-Mr. Eisman is in New York we always seem to do the same thing and if I wrote down

-one <span class="pageNum" id="pb13">[<a href="#pb13">13</a>]</span>day in my diary, all I would have to do would be to put quotation marks for all other

-days. I mean we always seem to have dinner at the Colony and see a show and go to

-the Trocadero and then Mr. Eisman shows me to my apartment. So of course when a gentleman

-is interested in educating a girl, he likes to stay and talk about the topics of the

-day until quite late, so I am quite fatigued the next day and I do not really get

-up until it is time to dress for dinner at the Colony.

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure floatRight p013width"><img src="images/p013.jpg" alt="“It would be strange if I turn out to be an authoress.”" width="280" height="537"><p class="figureHead">“<i>It would be strange if I turn out to be an authoress.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p>It would be strange if I turn out to be an authoress. I mean at my home near Little

-Rock, Arkansas, my family all wanted me to do something about my music. Because all

-of my friends said I had talent and they all kept after me and kept after me about

-practising. <span class="pageNum" id="pb14">[<a href="#pb14">14</a>]</span>But some way I never seemed to care so much about practising. I mean I simply could

-not sit for hours and hours at a time practising just for the sake of a career. So

-one day I got quite tempermental and threw the old mandolin clear across the room

-and I have really never touched it since. But writing is different because you do

-not have to learn or practise and it is more <span class="sic" title="Correction: temperamental">tempermental</span> because practising seems to take all the <span class="sic" title="Correction: temperament">temperment</span> out of me. So now I really almost have to smile because I have just noticed that

-I have written clear across two pages onto March 18th, so this will do for today and

-tomorrow. And it just shows how tempermental I am when I get started.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>March 19th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Well last evening Dorothy called up and Dorothy said she has met a gentleman who gave

-himself an introduction to her in the lobby of the Ritz. So then they went to luncheon

-and tea and dinner and then they went to a show and then they went to the Trocadero.

-So Dorothy said his name was Lord Cooksleigh but what she really calls him is Coocoo.

-So Dorothy said why don’t you <span class="pageNum" id="pb15">[<a href="#pb15">15</a>]</span>and I and Coocoo go to the Follies tonight and bring Gus along if he is in town? So

-then Dorothy and I had quite a little quarrel because every time that Dorothy mentions

-the subject of Mr. Eisman she calls Mr. Eisman by his first name, and she does not

-seem to realize that when a gentleman who is as important as Mr. Eisman, spends quite

-a lot of money educating a girl, it really does not show reverance to call a gentleman

-by his first name. I mean I never even think of calling Mr. Eisman by his first name,

-but if I want to call him anything at all, I call him “Daddy” and I do not even call

-him “Daddy” if a place seems to be public. So I told Dorothy that Mr. Eisman would

-not be in town until day after tomorrow. So then Dorothy and Coocoo came up and we

-went to the Follies.

-</p>

-<p>So this morning Coocoo called up and he wanted me to luncheon at the Ritz. I mean

-these foreigners really have quite a nerve. Just because Coocoo is an Englishman and

-a Lord he thinks a girl can waste hours on him just for a luncheon at the Ritz, when

-all he does is talk about some exposition he went on to a place called Tibet and after

-talking for hours I found out that all they were was a lot <span class="pageNum" id="pb16">[<a href="#pb16">16</a>]</span>of Chinamen. So I will be quite glad to see Mr. Eisman when he gets in. Because he

-always has something quite interesting to talk about, as for instants the last time

-he was here he presented me with quite a beautiful emerald bracelet. So next week

-is my birthday and he always has some delightful surprise on holidays.

-</p>

-<p>I did intend to luncheon at the Ritz with Dorothy today and of course Coocoo had to

-spoil it, as I told him that I could not luncheon with him today, because my brother

-was in town on business and had the mumps, so I really could not leave him alone.

-Because of course if I went to the Ritz now I would bump into Coocoo. But I sometimes

-almost have to smile at my own imagination, because of course I have not got any brother

-and I have not even thought of the mumps for years. I mean it is no wonder that I

-can write.

-</p>

-<p>So the reason I thought I would take luncheon at the Ritz was because Mr. Chaplin

-is at the Ritz and I always like to renew old acquaintances, because I met Mr. Chaplin

-once when we were both working on the same lot in Hollywood and I am sure he would

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb17">[<a href="#pb17">17</a>]</span>remember me. Gentlemen always seem to remember blondes. I mean the only career I would

-like to be besides an authoress is a cinema star and I was doing quite well in the

-cinema when Mr. Eisman made me give it all up. Because of course when a gentleman

-takes such a friendly interest in educating a girl as Mr. Eisman does, you like to

-show that you appreciate it, and he is against a girl being in the cinema because

-his mother is authrodox.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>March 20th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Mr. Eisman gets in tomorrow to be here in time for my birthday. So I thought it would

-really be delightful to have at least one good time before Mr. Eisman got in, so last

-evening I had some literary gentlemen in to spend the evening because Mr. Eisman always

-likes me to have literary people in and out of the apartment. I mean he is quite anxious

-for a girl to improve her mind and his greatest interest in me is because I always

-seem to want to improve my mind and not waste any time. And Mr. Eisman likes me to

-have what the French people call a “salo” which means that people all get together

-in <span class="pageNum" id="pb18">[<a href="#pb18">18</a>]</span>the evening and improve their minds. So I invited all of the brainy gentlemen I could

-think up. So I thought up a gentleman who is the proffessor of all of the economics

-up at Columbia College, and the editor who is the famous editor of the New York Transcript

-and another gentleman who is a famous playright who writes very, very famous plays

-that are all about Life. I mean anybody would recognize his name but it always seems

-to slip my memory because all of we real friends of his only call him Sam. So Sam

-asked if he could bring a gentleman who writes novels from England, so I said yes,

-so he brought him. And then we all got together and I called up Gloria and Dorothy

-and the gentleman brought their own liquor. So of course the place was a wreck this

-morning and Lulu and I worked like proverbial dogs to get it cleaned up, but Heaven

-knows how long it will take to get the chandelier fixed.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>March 22nd</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Well my birthday has come and gone but it was really quite depressing. I mean it seems

-to me a gentleman who has a friendly interest in educating a girl like Gus Eisman,

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb19">[<a href="#pb19">19</a>]</span>would want her to have the biggest square cut diamond in New York. I mean I must say

-I was quite disappointed when he came to the apartment with a little thing you could

-hardly see. So I told him I thought it was quite cute, but I had quite a headache

-and I had better stay in a dark room all day and I told him I would see him the next

-day, perhaps. Because even Lulu thought it was quite small and she said, if she was

-I, she really would do something definite and she said she always believed in the

-old addage, “Leave them while you’re looking good.” But he came in at dinner time

-with really a very very beautiful bracelet of square cut diamonds so I was quite cheered

-up. So then we had dinner at the Colony and we went to a show and supper at the Trocadero

-as usual whenever he is in town. But I will give him credit that he realized how small

-it was. I mean he kept talking about how bad business was and the button profession

-was full of bolshevicks who make nothing but trouble. Because Mr. Eisman feels that

-the country is really on the verge of the bolshevicks and I become quite worried.

-I mean if the bolshevicks do get in, there is only one gentleman who could handle

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb20">[<a href="#pb20">20</a>]</span>them and that is Mr. D.&nbsp;W. Griffith. Because I will never forget when Mr. Griffith

-was directing Intolerance. I mean it was my last cinema just before Mr. Eisman made

-me give up my career and I was playing one of the girls that fainted at the battle

-when all of the gentlemen fell off the tower. And when I saw how Mr. Griffith handled

-all of those mobs in Intolerance I realized that he could do anything, and I really

-think that the government of America ought to tell Mr. Griffith to get all ready if

-the bolshevicks start to do it.

-</p>

-<p>Well I forgot to mention that the English gentleman who writes novels seems to have

-taken quite an interest in me, as soon as he found out that I was literary. I mean

-he has called up every day and I went to tea twice with him. So he has sent me a whole

-complete set of books for my birthday by a gentleman called Mr. Conrad. They all seem

-to be about ocean travel although I have not had time to more than glance through

-them. I have always liked novels about ocean travel ever since I posed for Mr. Christie

-for the front cover of a novel about ocean travel by McGrath because I always say

-that a girl <span class="pageNum" id="pb21">[<a href="#pb21">21</a>]</span>never really looks as well as she does on board a steamship, or even a yacht.

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure p021width"><img src="images/p021.jpg" alt="“He sent me a set of books by a gentleman called Mr. Conrad. They all seem to be about ocean travel.”" width="542" height="275"><p class="figureHead">“<i>He sent me a set of books by a gentleman called Mr. Conrad. They all seem to be about

-ocean travel.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p>So the English gentleman’s name is Mr. Gerald Lamson as those who have read his novels

-would know. And he also sent me some of his own novels and they all seem to be about

-middle age English gentlemen who live in the country over in London and seem to ride

-bicycles, which seems quite different from America, except at Palm Beach. So I told

-Mr. Lamson how I write down all of my thoughts and he said he knew I had something

-to me from the first minute he saw me and when we become better acquainted I am going

-to let him read my diary. I mean I even <span class="pageNum" id="pb22">[<a href="#pb22">22</a>]</span>told Mr. Eisman about him and he is quite pleased. Because of course Mr. Lamson is

-quite famous and it seems Mr. Eisman has read all of his novels going to and fro on

-the trains and Mr. Eisman is always anxious to meet famous people and take them to

-the Ritz to dinner on Saturday night. But of course I did not tell Mr. Eisman that

-I am really getting quite a little crush on Mr. Lamson, which I really believe I am,

-but Mr. Eisman thinks my interest in him is more literary.

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure p022width"><img src="images/p022.jpg" alt="“I am really getting quite a little crush on Mr. Lamson but Mr. Eisman thinks my interest in him is more literary.”" width="541" height="274"><p class="figureHead">“<i>I am really getting quite a little crush on Mr. Lamson but Mr. Eisman thinks my interest

-in him is more literary.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>March 30th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>At last Mr. Eisman has left on the 20th Century and I must say I am quite fatigued

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb23">[<a href="#pb23">23</a>]</span>and a little rest will be quite welcome. I mean I do not mind staying out late every

-night if I dance, but Mr. Eisman is really not such a good dancer so most of the time

-we just sit and drink some champagne or have a bite to eat and of course I do not

-dance with anyone else when I am out with Mr. Eisman. But Mr. Eisman and Gerry, as

-Mr. Lamson wants me to call him, became quite good friends and we had several evenings,

-all three together. So now that Mr. Eisman is out of town at last, Gerry and I are

-going out together this evening and Gerry said not to dress up, because Gerry seems

-to like me more for my soul. So I really had to tell Gerry that if all the gentlemen

-were like he seems to be, Madame Frances’ whole dress making establishment would have

-to go out of business. But Gerry does not like a girl to be nothing else but a doll,

-but he likes her to bring in her husband’s slippers every evening and make him forget

-what he has gone through.

-</p>

-<p>But before Mr. Eisman went to Chicago he told me that he is going to Paris this summer

-on professional business and I think he intends to present me with a trip to Paris

-as <span class="pageNum" id="pb24">[<a href="#pb24">24</a>]</span>he says there is nothing so educational as traveling. I mean it did worlds of good

-to Dorothy when she went abroad last spring and I never get tired of hearing her telling

-how the merry-go-rounds in Paris have pigs instead of horses. But I really do not

-know whether to be thrilled or not because, of course, if I go to Paris I will have

-to leave Gerry and both Gerry and I have made up our minds not to be separated from

-one another from now on.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>March 31st</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Last night Gerry and I had dinner at quite a quaint place where we had roast beef

-and baked potato. I mean he always wants me to have food which is what he calls “nourishing”

-which most gentlemen never seem to think about. So then we took a hansom cab and drove

-for hours around the park because Gerry said the air would be good for me. It is really

-very sweet to have some one think of all those things that gentlemen hardly ever seem

-to think about. So then we talked quite a lot. I mean Gerry knows how to draw a girl

-out and I told him things that I really would not even put in my diary. So when <span class="pageNum" id="pb25">[<a href="#pb25">25</a>]</span>he heard all about my life he became quite depressed and we both had tears in our

-eyes. Because he said he never dreamed a girl could go through so much as I, and come

-out so sweet and not made bitter by it all. I mean Gerry thinks that most gentlemen

-are brutes and hardly ever think about a girl’s soul.

-</p>

-<p>So it seems that Gerry has had quite a lot of trouble himself and he can not even

-get married on account of his wife. He and she have never been in love with each other

-but she was a suffragette and asked him to marry her, so what could he do? So we rode

-all around the park until quite late talking and philosophizing quite a lot and I

-finally told him that I thought, after all, that bird life was the highest form of

-civilization. So Gerry calls me his little thinker and I really would not be surprised

-if all of my thoughts will give him quite a few ideas for his novels. Because Gerry

-says he has never seen a girl of my personal appearance with so many brains. And he

-had almost given up looking for his ideal when our paths seemed to cross each other

-and I told him I really thought a thing like that was nearly always the result of

-fate.

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb26">[<a href="#pb26">26</a>]</span></p>

-<p>So Gerry says that I remind him quite a lot of Helen of Troy, who was of Greek extraction.

-But the only Greek I know is a Greek gentleman by the name of Mr. Georgopolis who

-is really quite wealthy and he is what Dorothy and I call a “Shopper” because you

-can always call him up at any hour and ask him to go shopping and he is always quite

-delighted, which very few gentlemen seem to be. And he never seems to care how much

-anything costs. I mean Mr. Georgopolis is also quite cultured, as I know quite a few

-gentlemen who can speak to a waiter in French but Mr. Georgopolis can also speak to

-a waiter in Greek which very few gentlemen seem to be able to do.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>April 1st</i>:

-</p>

-<p>I am taking special pains with my diary from now on as I am really writing it for

-Gerry. I mean he and I are going to read it together some evening in front of the

-fireplace. But Gerry leaves this evening for Boston as he has to lecture about all

-of his works at Boston, but he will rush right back as soon as possible. So I am going

-to spend all of my time improving myself while he is <span class="pageNum" id="pb27">[<a href="#pb27">27</a>]</span>gone. And this afternoon we are both going to a museum on 5th Avenue, because Gerry

-wants to show me a very very beautiful cup made by an antique jeweler called Mr. Cellini

-and he wants me to read Mr. Cellini’s life which is a very very fine book and not

-dull while he is in Boston.

-</p>

-<p>So the famous playright friend of mine who is called Sam called up this morning and

-he wanted me to go to a literary party tonight that he and some other literary gentlemen

-are giving to Florence Mills in Harlem but Gerry does not want me to go with Sam as

-Sam always insists on telling riskay stories. But personally I am quite broad minded

-and I always say that I do not mind a riskay story as long as it is really funny.

-I mean I have a great sense of humor. But Gerry says Sam does not always select and

-choose his stories and he just as soon I did not go out with him. So I am going to

-stay home and read the book by Mr. Cellini instead, because, after all, the only thing

-I am really interested in, is improving my mind. So I am going to do nothing else

-but improve my mind while Gerry is in Boston. I mean I just received a cable from

-Willie Gwynn <span class="pageNum" id="pb28">[<a href="#pb28">28</a>]</span>who arrives from Europe tomorrow, but I am not even going to bother to see him. He

-is a sweet boy but he never gets anywhere and I am not going to waste my time on such

-as him, after meeting a gentleman like Gerry.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>April 2nd</i>:

-</p>

-<p>I seem to be quite depressed this morning as I always am when there is nothing to

-put my mind to. Because I decided not to read the book by Mr. Cellini. I mean it was

-quite amuseing in spots because it was really quite riskay but the spots were not

-so close together and I never seem to like to always be hunting clear through a book

-for the spots I am looking for, especially when there are really not so many spots

-that seem to be so amuseing after all. So I did not waste my time on it but this morning

-I told Lulu to let all of the house work go and spend the day reading a book entitled

-“Lord Jim” and then tell me all about it, so that I would improve my mind while Gerry

-is away. But when I got her the book I nearly made a mistake and gave her a book by

-the title of “The Nigger of the Narcissus” which really would have hurt her feelings.

-I mean I do not know why authors <span class="pageNum" id="pb29">[<a href="#pb29">29</a>]</span>cannot say “Negro” instead of “Nigger” as they have their feelings just the same as

-we have.

-</p>

-<p>Well I just got a telegram from Gerry that he will not be back until tomorrow and

-also some orchids from Willie Gwynn, so I may as well go to the theatre with Willie

-tonight to keep from getting depressed, as he really is a sweet boy after all. I mean

-he never really does anything obnoxious. And it is quite depressing to stay at home

-and do nothing but read, unless you really have a book that is worth bothering about.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>April 3rd</i>:

-</p>

-<p>I was really so depressed this morning that I was even glad to get a letter from Mr.

-Eisman. Because last night Willie Gwynn came to take me to the Follies, but he was

-so intoxicated that I had to telephone his club to send around a taxi to take him

-home. So that left me alone with Lulu at nine o’clock with nothing to do, so I put

-in a telephone call for Boston to talk to Gerry but it never went through. So Lulu

-tried to teach me how to play mah jong, but I really could not keep my mind on it

-because I was so depressed. <span class="pageNum" id="pb30">[<a href="#pb30">30</a>]</span>So today I think I had better go over to Madame Frances and order some new evening

-gowns to cheer me up.

-</p>

-<p>Well Lulu just brought me a telegram from Gerry that he will be in this afternoon,

-but I must not meet him at the station on account of all of the reporters who always

-meet him at the station wherever he comes from. But he says he will come right up

-to see me as he has something to talk about.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>April 4th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>What an evening we had last evening. I mean it seems that Gerry is madly in love with

-me. Because all of the time he was in Boston lecturing to the womens clubs he said,

-as he looked over the faces of all those club women in Boston, he never realized I

-was so beautiful. And he said that there was only one in all the world and that was

-me. But it seems that Gerry thinks that Mr. Eisman is terrible and that no good can

-come of our friendship. I mean I was quite surprised, as they both seemed to get along

-quite well together, but it seems that Gerry never wants me to see Mr. Eisman again.

-And he wants me to give up everything and <span class="pageNum" id="pb31">[<a href="#pb31">31</a>]</span>study French and he will get a divorce and we will be married. Because Gerry does

-not seem to like the kind of life all of us lead in New York and he wants me to go

-home to papa in Arkansas and he will send me books to read so that I will not get

-lonesome there. And he gave me his uncle’s Masonic ring, which came down from the

-time of Soloman and which he never even lets his wife wear, for our engagement ring,

-and this afternoon a lady friend of his is going to bring me a new system she thought

-up of how to learn French. But some way I still seem to be depressed. I mean I could

-not sleep all night thinking of the terrible things Gerry said about New York and

-about Mr. Eisman. Of course I can understand Gerry being jealous of any gentleman

-friend of mine and of course I never really thought that Mr. Eisman was Rudolph Valentino,

-but Gerry said it made him cringe to think of a sweet girl like I having a friendship

-with Mr. Eisman. So it really made me feel quite depressed. I mean Gerry likes to

-talk quite a lot and I always think a lot of talk is depressing and worries your brains

-with things you never even think of when you are busy. But so <span class="pageNum" id="pb32">[<a href="#pb32">32</a>]</span>long as Gerry does not mind me going out with other gentlemen when they have something

-to give you mentally, I am going to luncheon with Eddie Goldmark of the Goldmark Films

-who is always wanting me to sign a contract to go into the cinema. Because Mr. Goldmark

-is madly in love with Dorothy and Dorothy is always wanting me to go back in the cinema

-because Dorothy says that she will go if I will go.

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure p032width"><img src="images/p032.jpg" alt="“He said it made him cringe to think of a sweet girl like I having a friendship with Mr. Eisman.”" width="537" height="274"><p class="figureHead">“<i>He said it made him cringe to think of a sweet girl like I having a friendship with

-Mr. Eisman.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>April 6th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Well I finally wrote Mr. Eisman that I was going to get married and it seems that

-he is coming on at once as he would probably <span class="pageNum" id="pb33">[<a href="#pb33">33</a>]</span>like to give me his advice. Getting married is really quite serious and Gerry talks

-to me for hours and hours about it. I mean he never seems to get tired of talking

-and he does not seem to even want to go to shows or dance or do anything else but

-talk, and if I don’t really have something definite to put my mind on soon I will

-scream.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>April 7th</i>:

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure p033width"><img src="images/p033.jpg" alt="“He said I would be dragged into the scandal of a divorce court and get my name smirched.”" width="541" height="275"><p class="figureHead">“<i>He said I would be dragged into the scandal of a divorce court and get my name smirched.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure floatLeft p034width"><img src="images/p034.jpg" alt="“So I am sailing for France and London on Tuesday and taking Dorothy with me and Mr. Eisman will see us there later.”" width="277" height="535"><p class="figureHead">“<i>So I am sailing for France and London on Tuesday and taking Dorothy with me and Mr.

-Eisman will see us there later.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p>Well Mr. Eisman arrived this morning and he and I had quite a long talk, and after

-all I think he is right. Because here is the first real opportunity I have ever really

-had. I mean to go to Paris and broaden out and <span class="pageNum" id="pb34">[<a href="#pb34">34</a>]</span>improve my writing, and why should I give it up to marry an author, where he is the

-whole thing and all I would be would be the wife of Gerald Lamson? And on top of that

-I would have to be dragged into the scandal of a divorce court and get my name smirched.

-So Mr. Eisman said that opportunities come <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> seldom in a girls life for me to give up the first one I have really ever had. So

-I am sailing for France and London on Tuesday and taking Dorothy with me and Mr. Eisman

-says that he will see us there later. So Dorothy knows all of the ropes and she can

-get along in Paris just as though she knew French and besides she knows a French gentleman

-who was born and raised there, who <span class="pageNum" id="pb35">[<a href="#pb35">35</a>]</span>speaks it like a native and knows Paris like a book. And Dorothy says that when we

-get to London nearly everybody speaks English anyway. So it is quite lucky that Mr.

-Lamson is out lecturing in Cincinnati and he will not be back until Wednesday and

-I can send him a letter and tell him that I have to go to Europe now but I will see

-him later perhaps. So anyway I will be spared listening to any more of his depressing

-conversation. So Mr. Eisman gave me quite a nice string of pearls and he gave Dorothy

-a diamond pin and we all went to the Colony for dinner and we all went to a show and

-supper at the Trocadero and we all spent quite a pleasant evening.

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb39">[<a href="#pb39">39</a>]</span></p>

-</div>

-</div>

-<div id="ch2" class="div1 chapter"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#xd31e259">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divHead">

-<h2 class="label">CHAPTER TWO</h2>

-<h2 class="main">FATE KEEPS ON HAPPENING</h2>

-</div>

-<div class="divBody">

-<p class="first dateentry"><i>April 11th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Well Dorothy and I are really on the ship sailing to Europe as anyone could tell by

-looking at the ocean. I always love the ocean. I mean I always love a ship and I really

-love the <i>Majestic</i> because you would not know it was a ship because it is just like being at the Ritz,

-and the steward says the ocean is not so obnoxious this month as it generally is.

-So Mr. Eisman is going to meet us next month in Paris because he has to be there on

-business. I mean he always says that there is really no place to see the latest styles

-in buttons like Paris.

-</p>

-<p>So Dorothy is out taking a walk up and down the deck with a gentleman she met on the

-steps, but I am not going to waste my time going around with gentlemen because if

-I did nothing but go around I would not finish my diary or read good books which I

-am always reading to improve my mind. But Dorothy really does not care about her <span class="pageNum" id="pb40">[<a href="#pb40">40</a>]</span>mind and I always scold her because she does nothing but waste her time by going around

-with gentlemen who do not have anything, when Eddie Goldmark of the Goldmark Films

-is really quite wealthy and can make a girl delightful presents. But she does nothing

-but waste her time and yesterday, which was really the day before we sailed, she would

-not go to luncheon with Mr. Goldmark but she went to luncheon to meet a gentleman

-called Mr. Mencken from Baltimore who really only prints a green magazine which has

-not even got any pictures in it. But Mr. Eisman is always saying that every girl does

-not want to get ahead and get educated like me.

-</p>

-<p>So Mr. Eisman and Lulu come down to the boat to see me off and Lulu cried quite a

-lot. I mean I really believe she could not care any more for me if she was light and

-not colored. Lulu has had a very sad life because when she was quite young a pullman

-porter fell madly in love with her. So she believed him and he lured her away from

-her home to Ashtabula and deceived her there. So she finally found out that she had

-been deceived and she really was broken hearted and when she <span class="pageNum" id="pb41">[<a href="#pb41">41</a>]</span>tried to go back home she found out that it was <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> late because her best girl friend, who she had always trusted, had stolen her husband

-and he would not take Lulu back. So I have always said to her she could always work

-for me and she is going to take care of the apartment until I get back, because I

-would not sublet the apartment because Dorothy sublet her apartment when she went

-to Europe last year and the gentleman who sublet the apartment allowed girls to pay

-calls on him who were not nice.

-</p>

-<p>Mr. Eisman has litereally filled our room with flowers and the steward has had quite

-a hard time to find enough vases to put them into. I mean the steward said he knew

-as soon as he saw Dorothy and I that he would have quite a heavy run on vases. And

-of course Mr. Eisman has sent me quite a lot of good books as he always does, because

-he always knows that good books are always welcome. So he has sent me quite a large

-book of Etiquette as he says there is quite a lot of Etiquette in England and London

-and it would be a good thing for a girl to learn. So I am going to take it on the

-deck after luncheon and read it, because I would <span class="pageNum" id="pb42">[<a href="#pb42">42</a>]</span>often like to know what a girl ought to do when a gentleman she has just met, says

-something to her in a taxi. Of course I always become quite vexed but I always believe

-in giving a gentleman another chance.

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure floatLeft p042width"><img src="images/p042.jpg" alt="“The steward said he knew as soon as he saw Dorothy and I that he would have quite a heavy run on vases.”" width="277" height="535"><p class="figureHead">“<i>The steward said he knew as soon as he saw Dorothy and I that he would have quite

-a heavy run on vases.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p>So now the steward tells me it is luncheon time, so I will go upstairs as the gentleman

-Dorothy met on the steps has invited us to luncheon in the Ritz, which is a special

-dining room on the ship where you can spend quite a lot of money because they really

-give away the food in the other dining room.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>April 12th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>I am going to stay in bed this morning as I am quite upset as I saw a gentleman <span class="pageNum" id="pb43">[<a href="#pb43">43</a>]</span>who quite upset me. I am not really sure it was the gentleman, as I saw him at quite

-a distants in the bar, but if it really is the gentleman it shows that when a girl

-has a lot of fate in her life it is sure to keep on happening. So when I thought I

-saw this gentleman I was with Dorothy and Major Falcon, who is the gentleman Dorothy

-met on the steps, and Major Falcon noticed that I became upset, so he wanted me to

-tell him what was the matter, but it is really so terrible that I would not want to

-tell anyone. So I said good night to Major Falcon and I left him with Dorothy and

-I went down to our room and did nothing but cry and send the steward for some champagne

-to cheer me up. I mean champagne always makes me feel philosophical because it makes

-me realize that when a girl’s life is as full of fate as mine seems to be, there is

-nothing else to do about it. So this morning the steward brought me my coffee and

-quite a large pitcher of ice water so I will stay in bed and not have any more champagne

-until luncheon time.

-</p>

-<p>Dorothy never has any fate in her life and she does nothing but waste her time and

-I really wonder if I did right to bring her with <span class="pageNum" id="pb44">[<a href="#pb44">44</a>]</span>me and not Lulu. I mean she really gives gentlemen a bad impression as she talks quite

-a lot of slang. Because when I went up yesterday to meet she and Major Falcon for

-luncheon, I overheard her say to Major Falcon that she really liked to become intoxicated

-once in a “dirty” while. Only she did not say intoxicated, but she really said a slang

-word that means intoxicated and I am always having to tell her that “dirty” is a slang

-word and she really should not say “dirty.”

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure p044width"><img src="images/p044.jpg" alt="“I overheard Dorothy tell Major Falcon that she liked to become intoxicated once in a dirty while.”" width="540" height="271"><p class="figureHead">“<i>I overheard Dorothy tell Major Falcon that she liked to become intoxicated once in

-a dirty while.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p>Major Falcon is really quite a delightful gentleman for an Englishman. I mean he really

-spends quite a lot of money and we had quite a delightful luncheon and dinner in the

-Ritz until I thought I saw the gentleman who <span class="pageNum" id="pb45">[<a href="#pb45">45</a>]</span>upset me and I am so upset I think I will get dressed and go up on the deck and see

-if it really is the one I think it is. I mean there is nothing else for me to do as

-I have finished writing in my diary for today and I have decided not to read the book

-of Ettiquette as I glanced through it and it does not seem to have anything in it

-that I would care to know because it wastes quite a lot of time telling you what to

-call a Lord and all the Lords I have met have told me what to call them and it is

-generally some quite cute name like Coocoo whose real name is really Lord Cooksleigh.

-So I will not waste my time on such a book. But I wish I did not feel so upset about

-the gentleman I think I saw.

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure p046width"><img src="images/p046.jpg" alt="“So Mr. Ginsberg changed his name to Mr. Mountginz which he really thinks is more aristocratic.”" width="540" height="271"><p class="figureHead">“<i>So Mr. Ginsberg changed his name to Mr. Mountginz which he really thinks is more aristocratic.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>April 13th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>It really is the gentleman I thought I saw. I mean when I found out it was the gentleman

-my heart really stopped. Because it all brought back things that anybody does not

-like to remember, no matter who they are. So yesterday when I went up on the deck

-to see if I could see the gentleman and see if it really was him, I met quite a delightful

-gentleman who I met once at a party called <span class="pageNum" id="pb46">[<a href="#pb46">46</a>]</span>Mr. Ginzberg. Only his name is not Mr. Ginzberg any more because a gentleman in London

-called Mr. Battenburg, who is some relation to some king, changed his name to Mr.

-Mountbatten which Mr. Ginzberg says really means the same thing after all. So Mr.

-Ginsberg changed his name to Mr. Mountginz which he really thinks is more aristocratic.

-So we walked around the deck and we met the gentleman face to face and I really saw

-it was him and he really saw it was me. I mean his face became so red it was almost

-a picture. So I was so upset I said good-bye to Mr. Mountginz and I started to rush

-right down to my room and cry. But when I was going down the steps, I bumped right

-into Major Falcon <span class="pageNum" id="pb47">[<a href="#pb47">47</a>]</span>who noticed that I was upset. So Major Falcon made me go to the Ritz and have some

-champagne and tell him all about it.

-</p>

-<p>So then I told Major Falcon about the time in Arkansas when Papa sent me to Little

-Rock to study how to become a stenographer. I mean Papa and I had quite a little quarrel

-because Papa did not like a gentleman who used to pay calls on me in the park and

-Papa thought it would do me good to get away for awhile. So I was in the business

-colledge in Little Rock for about a week when a gentleman called Mr. Jennings paid

-a call on the business colledge because he wanted to have a new stenographer. So he

-looked over all we colledge girls and he picked me out. So he told our teacher that

-he would help me finish my course in his office because he was only a lawyer and I

-really did not have to know so much. So Mr. Jennings helped me quite a lot and I stayed

-in his office about a year when I found out that he was not the kind of a gentleman

-that a young girl is safe with. I mean one evening when I went to pay a call on him

-at his apartment, I found a girl there who really was famous all over Little Rock

-for not <span class="pageNum" id="pb48">[<a href="#pb48">48</a>]</span>being nice. So when I found out that girls like that paid calls on Mr. Jennings I

-had quite a bad case of histerics and my mind was really a blank and when I came out

-of it, it seems that I had a revolver in my hand and it seems that the revolver had

-shot Mr. Jennings.

-</p>

-<p>So this gentleman on the boat was really the District Attorney who was at the trial

-and he really was quite harsh at the trial and he called me names that I would not

-even put in my diary. Because everyone at the trial except the District Attorney was

-really lovely to me and all the gentlemen in the jury all cried when my lawyer pointed

-at me and told them that they practically all had had either a mother or a sister.

-So the jury was only out three minutes and then they came back and acquitted me and

-they were all so lovely that I really had to kiss all of them and when I kissed the

-judge he had tears in his eyes and he took me right home to his sister. I mean it

-was when Mr. Jennings became shot that I got the idea to go into the cinema, so Judge

-Hibbard got me a ticket to Hollywood. So it was Judge Hibbard who really gave me my

-name because <span class="pageNum" id="pb49">[<a href="#pb49">49</a>]</span>he did not like the name I had because he said a girl ought to have a name that ought

-to express her personality. So he said my name ought to be Lorelei which is the name

-of a girl who became famous for sitting on a rock in Germany, So I was in Hollywood

-in the cinema when I met Mr. Eisman and he said that a girl with my brains ought not

-to be in the cinema but she ought to be educated, so he took me out of the cinema

-so he could educate me.

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure p049width"><img src="images/p049.jpg" alt="“So when they acquitted me I kissed the judge and they all had tears in their eyes.”" width="536" height="273"><p class="figureHead">“<i>So when they acquitted me I kissed the judge and they all had tears in their eyes.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p>So Major Falcon was really quite interested in everything I talked about, because

-he said it was quite a co-instance because this District Attorney, who is called Mr.

-Bartlett, is now working for the government of America <span class="pageNum" id="pb50">[<a href="#pb50">50</a>]</span>and he is on his way to a place called Vienna on some business for Uncle Sam that

-is quite a great secret and Mr. Falcon would like very much to know what the secret

-is, because the Government in London sent him to America especially to find out what

-it was. Only of course Mr. Bartlett does not know who Major Falcon is, because it

-is such a great secret, but Major Falcon can tell me, because he knows who he can

-trust. So Major Falcon says he thinks a girl like I ought to forgive and forget what

-Mr. Bartlett called me and he wants to bring us together and he says he thinks Mr.

-Bartlett would talk to me quite a lot when he really gets to know me and I forgive

-him for that time in Little Rock. Because it would be quite romantic for Mr. Bartlett

-and I to become friendly, and gentlemen who work for Uncle Sam generally like to become

-romantic with girls. So he is going to bring us together on the deck after dinner

-tonight and I am going to forgive him and talk with him quite a lot, because why should

-a girl hold a grudge against a gentleman who had to do it. So Major Falcon brought

-me quite a large bottle of perfume and a quite cute <span class="pageNum" id="pb51">[<a href="#pb51">51</a>]</span>imitation of quite a large size dog in the little shop which is on board the boat.

-I mean Major Falcon really knows how to cheer a girl up quite a lot and so tonight

-I am going to make it all up with Mr. Bartlett.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>April 14th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Well Mr. Bartlett and I made it all up last night and we are going to be the best

-of friends and talk quite a lot. So when I went down to my room quite late Major Falcon

-came down to see if I and Mr. Bartlett were really going to be friends because he

-said a girl with brains like I ought to have lots to talk about with a gentleman with

-brains like Mr. Bartlett who knows all of Uncle Sam’s secrets.

-</p>

-<p>So I told Major Falcon how Mr. Bartlett thinks that he and I seem to be like a play,

-because all the time he was calling me all those names in Little Rock he really thought

-I was. So when he found out that I turned out not to be, he said he always thought

-that I only used my brains against gentlemen and really had quite a cold heart. But

-now he thinks I ought to write a play about how he called me all those names in Little

-Rock and <span class="pageNum" id="pb52">[<a href="#pb52">52</a>]</span>then, after seven years, we became friendly.

-</p>

-<p>So I told Major Falcon that I told Mr. Bartlett I would like to write the play but

-I really did not have time as it takes quite a lot of time to write my diary and read

-good books. So Mr. Bartlett did not know that I read books which is quite a co-instance

-because he reads them to. So he is going to bring me a book of philosophy this afternoon

-called “Smile, Smile, Smile” which all the brainy senators in Washington are reading

-which cheers you up quite a lot.

-</p>

-<p>So I told Major Falcon that having a friendship with Mr. <span class="sic" title="Correction: Bartlett">Barlett</span> was really quite enervating because Mr. Bartlett does not drink anything and the

-less anybody says about his dancing the better. But he did ask me to dine at his table,

-which is not in the Ritz and I told him I could not, but Major Falcon told me I ought

-to, but I told Major Falcon that there was a limit to almost everything. So I am going

-to stay in my room until luncheon and I am going to luncheon in the Ritz with Mr.

-Mountginz who really knows how to treat a girl.

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure p053width"><img src="images/p053.jpg" alt="“The steward has had quite a sad life and he likes to tell me all about himself.”" width="531" height="267"><p class="figureHead">“<i>The steward has had quite a sad life and he likes to tell me all about himself.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p>Dorothy is up on the deck wasting quite a lot of time with a gentleman who is <span class="pageNum" id="pb53">[<a href="#pb53">53</a>]</span>only a tennis champion. So I am going to ring for the steward and have some champagne

-which is quite good for a person on a boat. The steward is really quite a nice boy

-and he has had quite a sad life and he likes to tell me all about himself. I mean

-it seems that he was arrested in Flatbush because he promised a gentleman that he

-would bring him some very very good scotch and they mistook him for a bootlegger.

-So it seems they put him in a prison and they put him in a cell with two other gentlemen

-who were very, very famous burglars. I mean they really had their pictures in all

-the newspapers and everybody was talking about them. So my steward, whose real name

-is Fred, was <span class="pageNum" id="pb54">[<a href="#pb54">54</a>]</span>very very proud to be in the same cell with such famous burglars. So when they asked

-him what he was in for, he did not like to tell them that he was only a bootlegger,

-so he told them that he set fire to a house and burned up quite a large family in

-Oklahoma. So everything would have gone alright except that the police had put a dictaphone

-in the cell and used it all against him and he could not get out until they had investigated

-all the fires in Oklahoma. So I always think that it is much more educational to talk

-to a boy like Fred who has been through a lot and really suffered than it is to talk

-to a gentleman like Mr. Bartlett. But I will have to talk to Mr. Bartlett all afternoon

-as Major Falcon has made an appointment for me to spend the whole afternoon with him.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>April 15th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Last night there was quite a maskerade ball on the ship which was really all for the

-sake of charity because most of the sailors seem to have orphans which they get from

-going on the ocean when the sea is very rough. So they took up quite a collection

-and Mr. Bartlett made quite a long speech in favor of <span class="pageNum" id="pb55">[<a href="#pb55">55</a>]</span>orphans especially when their parents are sailors. Mr. Bartlett really likes to make

-speeches quite a lot. I mean he even likes to make speeches when he is all alone with

-a girl when they are walking up and down a deck. But the maskerade ball was quite

-cute and one gentleman really looked almost like an imitation of Mr. Chaplin. So Dorothy

-and I really did not want to go to the ball but Mr. Bartlett bought us two scarfs

-at the little store which is on the ship so we tied them around our hips and everyone

-said we made quite a cute Carmen. So Mr. Bartlett and Major Falcon and the tennis

-champion were the Judges. So Dorothy and I won the prizes. I mean I really hope I

-do not get any more large size imitations of a dog as I have three now and I do not

-see why the Captain does not ask Mr. Cartier to have a jewelry store on the ship as

-it is really not much fun to go shopping on a ship with gentlemen, and buy nothing

-but imitations of dogs.

-</p>

-<p>So after we won the prizes I had an engagement to go up on the top of the deck with

-Mr. Bartlett as it seems he likes to look at the moonlight quite a lot. So I told

-him <span class="pageNum" id="pb56">[<a href="#pb56">56</a>]</span>to go up and wait for me and I would be up later as I promised a dance to Mr. Mountginz.

-So he asked me how long I would be dancing till, but I told him to wait up there and

-he would find out. So Mr. Mountginz and I had quite a delightful dance and champagne

-until Major Falcon found us. Because he was looking for me and he said I really should

-not keep Mr. Bartlett waiting. So I went up on the deck and Mr. Bartlett was up there

-waiting for me and it seems that he really is madly in love with me because he did

-not sleep a wink since we became friendly. Because he never thought that I really

-had brains but now that he knows it, it seems that he has been looking for a girl

-like me for years, and he said that really the place for me when he got back home

-was Washington d. c. where he lives. So I told him I thought a thing like that was

-nearly always the result of fate. So he wanted me to get off the ship tomorrow at

-France and take the same trip that he is taking to Vienna as it seems that Vienna

-is in France and if you go on to England you go to far. But I told him that I could

-not because I thought that if he was really madly in love with me he would take <span class="pageNum" id="pb58">[<a href="#pb58">58</a>]</span>a trip to London instead. But he told me that he had serious business in Vienna that

-was a very, very great secret. But I told him I did not believe it was business but

-that it really was some girl, because what business could be so important? So he said

-it was business for the United States government at Washington and he could not tell

-anybody what it was. So then we looked at the moonlight quite a lot. So I told him

-I would go to Vienna if I really knew it was business and not some girl, because I

-could not see how business could be so important. So then he told me all about it.

-So it seems that Uncle Sam wants some new aeroplanes that everybody else seems to

-want, especially England, and Uncle Sam has quite a clever way to get them which is

-to long to put in my diary. So we sat up and saw the sun rise and I became quite stiff

-and told him I would have to go down to my room because, after all, the ship lands

-at France today and I said if I got off the boat at France to go to Vienna with him

-I would have to pack up.

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure p057width"><img src="images/p057.jpg" alt="“Mr. Bartlett said he did not sleep a wink since we became friendly.”" width="370" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>Mr. Bartlett said he did not sleep a wink since we became friendly.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p>So I went down to my room and went to bed. So then Dorothy came in and she was up

-on the deck with the tennis champion but <span class="pageNum" id="pb59">[<a href="#pb59">59</a>]</span>she did not notice the sun rise as she really does not love nature but always wastes

-her time and ruins her clothes even though I always tell her not to drink champagne

-out of a bottle on the deck of the ship as it lurches quite a lot. So I am going to

-have luncheon in my room and I will send a note to Mr. Bartlett to tell him I will

-not be able to get off the boat at France to go to Vienna with him as I have quite

-a headache, but I will see him sometime somewhere else. So Major Falcon is going to

-come down at 12 and I have got to thinking over what Mr. Bartlett called me at Little

-Rock and I am quite upset. I mean a gentleman never pays for those things but a girl

-always pays. So I think I will tell Major Falcon all about the airoplane business

-as he really wants to know. And, after all I do not think Mr. Bartlett is a gentleman

-to call me all those names in Little Rock even if it was seven years ago. I mean Major

-Falcon is always a gentleman and he really wants to do quite a lot for us in London.

-Because he knows the Prince of Wales and he thinks that Dorothy and I would like the

-Prince of Wales once we had really got to meet him. So I am going to stay in my <span class="pageNum" id="pb60">[<a href="#pb60">60</a>]</span>room until Mr. Bartlett gets off the ship at France, because I really do not seem

-to care if I never see Mr. Bartlett again.

-</p>

-<p>So tomorrow we will be at England bright and early. And I really feel quite thrilled

-because Mr. Eisman sent me a cable this morning, as he does every morning, and he

-says to take advantage of everybody we meet as traveling is the highest form of education.

-I mean Mr. Eisman is always right and Major Falcon knows all the sights in London

-including the Prince of Wales so it really looks like Dorothy and I would have quite

-a delightful time in London.

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb63">[<a href="#pb63">63</a>]</span></p>

-</div>

-</div>

-<div id="ch3" class="div1 chapter"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#xd31e269">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divHead">

-<h2 class="label">CHAPTER THREE</h2>

-<h2 class="main">LONDON IS REALLY NOTHING</h2>

-</div>

-<div class="divBody">

-<p class="first dateentry"><i>April 17th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Well, Dorothy and I are really at London. I mean we got to London on the train yesterday

-as the boat does not come clear up to London but it stops on the beach and you have

-to take a train. I mean everything is much better in New York, because the boat comes

-right up to New York and I am really beginning to think that London is not so educational

-after all. But I did not tell Mr. Eisman when I cabled him last night because Mr.

-Eisman really sent me to London to get educated and I would hate to tell him that

-London is a failure because we know more in New York.

-</p>

-<p>So Dorothy and I came to the Ritz and it is delightfully full of Americans. I mean

-you would really think it was New York because I always think that the most delightful

-thing about traveling is to always be running into Americans and to always feel at

-home.

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb64">[<a href="#pb64">64</a>]</span></p>

-<p>So yesterday Dorothy and I went down to luncheon at the Ritz and we saw a quite cute

-little blond girl at the next table and I nudged Dorothy under the table, because

-I do not think it is nice to nudge a person on top of the table as I am trying to

-teach good manners to Dorothy. So I said “That is quite a cute little girl so she

-must be an American girl.” And sure enough she called the head-waiter with quite

-an American accent and she was quite angry and she said to him, I have been coming

-to this hotel for 35 years and this is the first time I have been kept waiting. So

-I recognized her voice because it was really Fanny Ward. So we asked her to come over

-to our table and we were all three delighted to see each other. Because I and Fanny

-have known each other for about five years but I really feel as if I knew her better

-because mama knew her 45 years ago when she and mama used to go to school together

-and mama used to always follow all her weddings in all the newspapers. So now Fanny

-lives in London and is famous for being one of the cutest girls in London. I mean

-Fanny is almost historical, because when a girl is cute for 50 years it really begins

-to get historical.

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb65">[<a href="#pb65">65</a>]</span>

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure p065width"><img src="images/p065.jpg" alt="“So I recognized her voice because it was really Fanny Ward.”" width="367" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>So I recognized her voice because it was really Fanny Ward.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb66">[<a href="#pb66">66</a>]</span></p>

-<p>So if mama did not die of hardening of the arterys she and Fanny and I could have

-quite a delightful time in London as Fanny loves to shop. So we went shopping for

-hats and instead of going to the regular shop we went to the childrens department

-and Fanny and I bought some quite cute hats as childrens hats only cost half as much

-and Fanny does it all the time. I mean Fanny really loves hats and she buys some in

-the children’s department every week, so she really saves quite a lot of money.

-</p>

-<p>So we came back to the Ritz to meet Major Falcon because Major Falcon invited us to

-go to tea with him at a girls house called Lady Shelton. So Major Falcon invited Fanny

-to go with us <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span>, but she was sorry because she had to go to her music lesson.

-</p>

-<p>So at Lady Sheltons house we met quite a few people who seemed to be English. I mean

-some of the girls in London seem to be Ladies which seems to be the opposite of a

-Lord. And some who are not Ladies are honorable. But quite a few are not Ladies or

-honorable either, but are just like us, so all you have to call them is “Miss.” So

-Lady Shelton was really delighted to have we <span class="pageNum" id="pb67">[<a href="#pb67">67</a>]</span>Americans come to her house. I mean she took Dorothy and I into the back parlor and

-tried to sell us some shell flowers she seems to make out of sea shells for 25 pounds.

-So we asked her how much it was in money and it seems it is 125 dollars. I mean I

-am really going to have a quite hard time in London with Dorothy because she really

-should not say to an English lady what she said. I mean she should not say to an English

-lady that in America we use shells the same way only we put a dry pea under one of

-them and we call it a game. But I told Lady Shelton we really did not need any shell

-flowers. So Lady Shelton said she knew we Americans loved dogs so she would love us

-to meet her mother.

-</p>

-<p>So then she took Dorothy and Major Falcon and I to her mother’s house which was just

-around the corner from her house. Because her mother seems to be called a Countess

-and raise dogs. So her mother was having a party too, and she seemed to have quite

-red hair and quite a lot of paint for such an elderly lady. So the first thing she

-asked us was she asked us if we bought some shell flowers from her daughter. So we

-told her no. But she did not seem to act like a Countess <span class="pageNum" id="pb68">[<a href="#pb68">68</a>]</span>of her elderly age should act. Because she said, “You were right my dears—don’t let

-my daughter stick you—they fall apart in less than a week.” So then she asked us if

-we would like to buy a dog. I mean I could not stop Dorothy but she said “How long

-before the dogs fall apart?” But I do not think the Countess acted like a Countess

-ought to act because she laughed very, very loud and she said that Dorothy was really

-priceless and she grabbed Dorothy and kissed her and held her arm around her all the

-time. I mean I really think that a Countess should not <span class="sic" title="Correction: encourage">encouradge</span> Dorothy or else she is just as unrefined as Dorothy seems to be. But I told the Countess

-that we did not need any dog.

-</p>

-<p>So then I met quite a delightful English lady who had a very, very beautiful diamond

-tiara in her hand bag because she said that she thought some Americans would be at

-the party and it was really a very, very great bargain. I mean I think a diamond tiara

-is delightful because it is a place where I really never thought of wearing diamonds

-before, and I thought I had almost one of everything until I saw a diamond tiara.

-The English lady who is called Mrs. Weeks said it was in <span class="pageNum" id="pb69">[<a href="#pb69">69</a>]</span>her family for years but the good thing about diamonds is they always look new. So

-I was really very intreeged and I asked her how much it cost in money and it seems

-it was $7,500.

-</p>

-<p>So then I looked around the room and I noticed a gentleman who seemed to be quite

-well groomed. So I asked Major Falcon who he was and he said he was called Sir Francis

-Beekman and it seems he is very, very wealthy. So then I asked Major Falcon to give

-us an introduction to one another and we met one another and I asked Sir Francis Beekman

-if he would hold my hat while I could try on the diamond tiara because I could wear

-it backwards with a ribbon, on account of my hair being hobbed, and I told Sir Francis

-Beekman that I really thought it looked quite cute. So he thought it did to, but he

-seemed to have another engagement. So the Countess came up to me and she is really

-very unrefined because she said to me “Do not waste your time on him” because she

-said that whenever Sir Francis Beekman spent a haypenny the statue of a gentleman

-called Mr. Nelson took off his hat and bowed. I mean some people are so unrefined

-they <span class="pageNum" id="pb70">[<a href="#pb70">70</a>]</span>seem to have unrefined thoughts about everything.

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure p070width"><img src="images/p070.jpg" alt="“I told Sir Francis Beekman that I really thought it looked quite cute.”" width="538" height="273"><p class="figureHead">“<i>I told Sir Francis Beekman that I really thought it looked quite cute.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p>So I really have my heart set on the diamond tiara and I became quite worried because

-Mrs. Weeks said she was going to a delightful party last night that would be full

-of delightful Americans and it would be snaped up. So I was so worried that I gave

-her 100 dollars and she is going to hold the diamond tiara for me. Because what is

-the use of traveling if you do not take advantadge of oportunities and it really is

-quite unusual to get a bargain from an English lady. So last night I cabled Mr. Eisman

-and I told Mr. Eisman that he does not seem to <span class="sic" title="Correction: know how">how know</span> much it costs to get educated by <span class="pageNum" id="pb71">[<a href="#pb71">71</a>]</span>traveling and I said I really would have to have $10,000 and I said I hoped I would

-not have to borrow the money from some strange English gentleman, even if he might

-be very very good looking. So I really could not sleep all night because of all of

-my worrying because if I do not get the money to buy the diamond tiara it may be a

-quite hard thing to get back $100 from an English lady.

-</p>

-<p>So now I must really get dressed as Major Falcon is going to take Dorothy and I to

-look at all the sights in London. But I really think if I do not get the diamond tiara

-my whole trip to London will be quite a failure.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>April 18th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Yesterday was quite a day and night. I mean Major Falcon came to take Dorothy and

-I to see all the sights in London. So I thought it would be delightful if we had another

-gentleman and I made Major Falcon call up Sir Francis Beekman. I mean I had a cable

-from Mr. Eisman which told me he could not send me 10,000 dollars but he would send

-me 1000 dollars which really would not be a drop in the bucket for the diamond tiara.

-So Sir Francis Beekman said that he could <span class="pageNum" id="pb72">[<a href="#pb72">72</a>]</span>not come but I teased him and teased him over the telephone so he finally said he

-would come.

-</p>

-<p>So Major Falcon drives his own car so Dorothy sat with him and I sat with Sir Francis

-Beekman but I told him that I was not going to call him Sir Francis Beekman but I

-was really going to call him Piggie.

-</p>

-<p>In London they make a very, very great fuss over nothing at all. I mean London is

-really nothing at all. For instants, they make a great fuss over a tower that really

-is not even as tall as the Hickox building in Little Rock Arkansas and it would only

-make a chimney on one of our towers in New York. So Sir Francis Beekman wanted us

-to get out and look at the tower because he said that quite a famous Queen had her

-head cut off there one morning and Dorothy said “What a fool she was to get up that

-morning” and that is really the only sensible thing that Dorothy has said in London.

-So we did not bother to get out.

-</p>

-<p>So we did not go to any more sights because they really have delicious champagne cocktails

-at a very very smart new restaurant called the Cafe de Paris that you could not <span class="pageNum" id="pb74">[<a href="#pb74">74</a>]</span>get in New York for neither love or money and I told Piggie that when you are travelling

-you really ought to take advantadges of what you can not do at home.

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure p073width"><img src="images/p073.jpg" alt="“In London they make a fuss over a tower that is not as tall as the Hickox Building in Little Rock.”" width="368" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>In London they make a fuss over a tower that is not as tall as the Hickox Building

-in Little Rock.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p>So while Dorothy and I were in the Cafe de Paris powdering our nose in the lady’s

-dressing room we met an American girl who Dorothy knew in the Follies, but now she

-is living in London. So she told us all about London. So it seems the gentlemen in

-London have quite a quaint custom of not giving a girl many presents. I mean the English

-girls really seem to be satisfied with a gold cigaret holder or else what they call

-a ‘bangle’ which means a bracelet in English which is only gold and does not have

-any stones in it which American girls would really give to their maid. So she said

-you could tell what English gentlemen were like when you realize that not even English

-ladys could get anything out of them. So she said Sir Francis Beekman was really famous

-all over London for not spending so much money as most English gentlemen. So then

-Dorothy and I said goodbye to Dorothy’s girl friend and Dorothy said, “Lets tell our

-two boy friends that we have a headache and go back to the <span class="pageNum" id="pb75">[<a href="#pb75">75</a>]</span>Ritz, where men are Americans.” Because Dorothy said that the society of a gentleman

-like Sir Francis Beekman was to great a price to pay for a couple of rounds of champagne

-cocktails. But I told Dorothy that I always believe that there is nothing like trying

-and I think it would be nice for an American girl like I to educate an English gentleman

-like Piggie, as I call Sir Francis Beekman.

-</p>

-<p>So then we went back to the table and I almost have to admit that Dorothy is in the

-right about Piggie because he really likes to talk quite a lot and he is always talking

-about a friend of his who was quite a famous King in London called King Edward. So

-Piggie said he would never never forget the jokes King Edward was always saying and

-he would never forget one time they were all on a yacht and they were all sitting

-at a table and King Edward got up and said “I don’t care what you gentlemen do—I’m

-going to smoke a cigar.” So then Piggie laughed very, very loud. So of course I laughed

-very, very loud and I told Piggie he was wonderful the way he could tell jokes. I

-mean you can always tell when to laugh because Piggie always laughs first.

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb76">[<a href="#pb76">76</a>]</span></p>

-<p>So in the afternoon a lot of lady friends of Mrs. Weeks heard about me buying the

-diamond tiara and called us up and asked us to their house to tea so Dorothy and I

-went and we took a gentleman Dorothy met in the lobby who is very, very good looking

-but he is only an English ballroom dancer in a cafe when he has a job.

-</p>

-<p>So we went to tea to a lady’s house called Lady Elmsworth and what she has to sell

-we Americans seems to be a picture of her father painted in oil paint who she said

-was a whistler. But I told her my own father was a whistler and used to whistle all

-of the time and I did not even have a picture of him but every time he used to go

-to Little Rock I asked him to go to the photographers but he did not go.

-</p>

-<p>So then we met a lady called Lady Chizzleby that wanted us to go to her house to tea

-but we told her that we really did not want to buy anything. But she said that she

-did not have anything to sell but she wanted to borrow five pounds. So we did not

-go and I am really glad that Mr. Eisman did not come to London as all the English

-ladys would ask him to tea and he would have a <span class="pageNum" id="pb77">[<a href="#pb77">77</a>]</span>whole ship load of shell flowers and dogs and anteek pictures that do nobody any good.

-</p>

-<p>So last night Piggie and I and Dorothy and the dancer who is called Gerald went to

-the Kit Kat Club as Gerald had nothing better to do because he is out of a job. So

-Dorothy and I had quite a little quarrel because I told Dorothy that she was wasting

-quite a lot of time going with any gentleman who is out of a job but Dorothy is always

-getting to really like somebody and she will never learn how to act. I mean I always

-seem to think that when a girl really enjoys being with a gentleman, it puts her to

-quite a disadvantage and no real good can come of it.

-</p>

-<p>Well tonight is going to be quite a night because Major Falcon is going to take Dorothy

-and I to a dance at a lady’s house tonight to meet the Prince of Wales. And now I

-must get ready to see Piggie because he and I seem to be getting to be quite good

-friends even if he has not sent me any flowers yet.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>April 19th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Last night we really met the Prince of Wales. I mean Major Falcon called for <span class="pageNum" id="pb78">[<a href="#pb78">78</a>]</span>Dorothy and I at eleven and took us to a ladys house where the lady was having a party.

-The Prince of Wales is really wonderful. I mean even if he was not a prince he would

-be wonderful, because even if he was not a prince, he would be able to make his living

-playing the ukelele, if he had a little more practice. So the lady came up to me and

-told me that the Prince of Wales would like to meet me, so she gave us an introduction

-to one another and I was very very thrilled when he asked me for a dance. So I decided

-I would write down every word he said to me in my diary so I could always go back

-and read it over and over when I am really old. So then we started to dance and I

-asked him if he was still able to be fond of horses, and he said he was. So after

-our dance was all over he asked Dorothy for a dance but Dorothy will never learn how

-to act in front of a prince. Because she handed me her fan and she said “Hold this

-while I slip a new page into English <span class="sic" title="Correction: history">histry</span>,” right in front of the Prince of Wales. So I was very very worried while Dorothy

-was dancing with the Prince of Wales because she talked to the Prince of Wales all

-the time and when she <span class="pageNum" id="pb79">[<a href="#pb79">79</a>]</span>got through the Prince of Wales wrote some of the slang words she is always saying

-on his cuff, so if he tells the Queen some day to be ‘a good Elk’ or some other slang

-word Dorothy is always saying, the Queen will really blame me for bringing such a

-girl into English society. So when Dorothy came back we had quite a little quarrel

-because Dorothy said that since I met the Prince of Wales I was becoming too English.

-But really, I mean to say, I often remember papa back in Arkansas and he often used

-to say that his grandpa came from a place in England called Australia, so really,

-I mean to say, it is no wonder that the English seems to come out of me sometimes.

-Because if a girl seems to <span class="pageNum" id="pb80">[<a href="#pb80">80</a>]</span>have an English accent I really think it is quite jolly.

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure p079width"><img src="images/p079.jpg" alt="“So I asked the prince if he was still able to be fond of horses.”" width="538" height="274"><p class="figureHead">“<i>So I asked the prince if he was still able to be fond of horses.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>April 20th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Yesterday afternoon I really thought I ought to begin to educate Piggie how to act

-with a girl like American gentlemen act with a girl. So I asked him to come up to

-have tea in our sitting room in the hotel because I had quite a headache. I mean I

-really look quite cute in my pink negligay. So I sent out a <span class="sic" title="Correction: bellhop">bell hop</span> friend of Dorothy and I who is quite a nice boy who is called Harry and who we talk

-to quite a lot. So I gave Harry ten pounds of English money and I told him to go to

-the most expensive florist and to buy some very very expensive orchids for 10 pounds

-and to bring them to our sitting room at fifteen minutes past five and not to say

-a word but to say they were for me. So Piggie came to tea and we were having tea when

-Harry came in and he did not say a word but he gave me a quite large box and he said

-it was for me. So I opened the box and sure enough they were a dozen very very beautiful

-orchids. So I looked for a card, but of course there was no card so I grabbed <span class="pageNum" id="pb81">[<a href="#pb81">81</a>]</span>Piggie and I said I would have to give him quite a large hug because it must have

-been him. But he said it was not him. But I said it must be him because I said that

-there was only one gentleman in London who was so sweet and generous and had such

-a large heart to send a girl one dozen orchids like him. So he still said it was not

-him. But I said I knew it was him, because there was not a gentleman in London so

-really marvelous and so wonderful and such a marvelous gentleman to send a girl one

-dozen orchids every day as him. So I really had to apologize for giving him such a

-large hug but I told him I was so full of impulses that when I knew he was going to

-send me one dozen orchids every day I became so impulsive I could not help it!

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure p081width"><img src="images/p081.jpg" alt="“I said I would have to give him quite a large hug.”" width="540" height="275"><p class="figureHead">“<i>I said I would have to give him quite a large hug.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb82">[<a href="#pb82">82</a>]</span></p>

-<p>So then Dorothy and Gerald came in and I told them all about what a wonderful gentleman

-Piggie turned out to be and I told them when a gentleman sent a girl one dozen orchids

-every day he really reminded me of a prince. So Piggie blushed quite a lot and he

-was really very very pleased and he did not say any more that it was not him. So then

-I started to make a fuss over him and I told him he would have to look out because

-he was really so good looking and I was so full of impulses that I might even lose

-my mind some time and give him a kiss. So Piggie really felt very very good to be

-such a good looking gentleman. So he could not help blushing all the time and he could

-not help grinning all the time from one ear to another. So he asked us all to dinner

-and then he and Gerald went to change their clothes for dinner. So Dorothy and I had

-quite a little quarrel after they went because Dorothy asked me which one of the Jesse

-James brothers was my father. But I told her I was not so unrefined that I would waste

-my time with any gentleman who was only a ballroom dancer when he had a job. So Dorothy

-said Gerald was a gentleman because he wrote <span class="pageNum" id="pb83">[<a href="#pb83">83</a>]</span>her a note and it had a crest. So I told her to try and eat it. So then we had to

-get dressed.

-</p>

-<p>So this morning Harry, the boy friend of ours who is the bell hop, waked me up at

-ten o’clock because he had a box of one dozen orchids from Piggie. So by the time

-Piggie pays for a few dozen orchids, the diamond tiara will really seem like quite

-a bargain. Because I always think that spending money is only just a habit and if

-you get a gentleman started on buying one dozen orchids at a time he really gets very

-good habits.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>April 21st</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Well, yesterday afternoon I took Piggie shopping on a street called Bond Street. So

-I took him to a <span class="sic" title="Correction: jewelry">jewelery</span> store because I told him I had to have a silver picture frame because I had to have

-a picture of him to go in it. Because I told Piggie that when a girl gets to know

-such a good looking gentleman as him she really wants to have a picture of him on

-her dressing table where she can look at it a lot. So Piggie became quite <span class="sic" title="Correction: intrigued">intreeged</span>. So we looked at all the silver picture frames. But then I told him that I really

-did not think <span class="pageNum" id="pb84">[<a href="#pb84">84</a>]</span>a silver picture frame was good enough for a picture of him because I forgot that

-they had gold picture frames until I saw them. So then we started to look at the gold

-picture frames. So then it came out that his picture was taken in his <span class="sic" title="Correction: uniform">unaform</span>. So I said he must be so good looking in his <span class="sic" title="Correction: uniform">unaform</span> that I really did not think even the gold picture frames were good enough but they

-did not have any platinum picture frames so we had to buy the best one we could.

-</p>

-<p>So then I asked him if he could put on his <span class="sic" title="Correction: uniform">unaform</span> tomorrow because I would love to see him in his <span class="sic" title="Correction: uniform">unaform</span> and we could go to tea at Mrs. Weeks. So he really became very pleased because he

-grinned quite a lot and he said that he would. So then I said that poor little I would

-really look like nothing at all to be going out with him in his <span class="sic" title="Correction: gorgeous">georgous</span> <span class="sic" title="Correction: uniform">unaform</span>. So then we started to look at some bracelets but a lady friend of his who is quite

-friendly with his wife, who is in their country house in the country, came in to the

-store, so Piggie became quite nervous to be caught in a <span class="sic" title="Correction: jewelry">jewelery</span> store where he has not been for years and years, so we had to go out.

-</p>

-<p>This morning Gerald called up Dorothy <span class="pageNum" id="pb85">[<a href="#pb85">85</a>]</span>and he said that day after tomorrow they are having a theatrical garden party to sell

-things to people for charity so he asked if Dorothy and I would be one of the ones

-who sells things to people for charity. So we said we would.

-</p>

-<p>So now I must telephone Mrs. Weeks and say I will bring Sir Francis Beekman to tea

-tomorrow and I hope it all comes out all right. But I really wish Piggie would not

-tell so many <span class="sic" title="Correction: stories">storys</span>. I mean I do not mind a gentleman when he tells a great many <span class="sic" title="Correction: stories">storys</span> if they are new, but a gentleman who tells a great many <span class="sic" title="Correction: stories">storys</span> and they are all the same <span class="sic" title="Correction: stories">storys</span> is quite enervating. I mean London is really so uneducational that all I seem to

-be learning is some of <span class="sic" title="Correction: Piggie’s">Piggies</span> <span class="sic" title="Correction: stories">storys</span> and I even want to forget them. So I am really becoming jolly well fed up with London.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>April 22nd</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Yesterday Piggie came in his <span class="sic" title="Correction: uniform">unaform</span> but he was really quite upset because he had a letter. I mean his wife is coming

-to London because she always comes to London every year to get her old clothes made

-over as she has a girl who does it very very cheap. <span class="pageNum" id="pb86">[<a href="#pb86">86</a>]</span>So she is going to stay with the lady who saw us in the <span class="sic" title="Correction: jewelry">jewelery</span> store, because it always saves money to stay with a friend. So I wanted to cheer

-Piggie up so I told him that I did not think the lady saw us and if she did see us,

-she really could not believe her eyes to see him in a <span class="sic" title="Correction: jewelry">jewelery</span> store. But I did not tell him that I think that Dorothy and I had better go to Paris

-soon. Because, after all, Piggie’s society is beginning to tell on a girls nerves.

-But I really made Piggie feel quite good about his <span class="sic" title="Correction: uniform">unaform</span> because I told him I only felt fit to be with him in a diamond tiara. So then I told

-him that, even if his wife was in London, we could still be friends, because I could

-not help but admire him even if his wife was in London and I told him I really thought

-a thing like that was nearly always the result of fate. So then we went to tea at

-Mrs. Weeks. So Piggie arranged with Mrs. Weeks to pay her for the diamond tiara and

-she nearly fell dead but she will keep it a secret because no one would believe it

-anyway. So now I have the diamond tiara and I have to admit that everything always

-turns out for the best. But I promised Piggie that I would always stay in <span class="pageNum" id="pb87">[<a href="#pb87">87</a>]</span>London and we would always be friendly. Because Piggie always says that I am the only

-one who admires him for what he really is.

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure p087width"><img src="images/p087.jpg" alt="“So I promised Piggie that I would always stay in London.”" width="539" height="272"><p class="figureHead">“<i>So I promised Piggie that I would always stay in London.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>April 25th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Well, we were so busy the last days I did not have time to write in my diary because

-now we are on a ship that seems to be quite a small ship to be sailing to Paris and

-we will be at Paris this afternoon. Because it does not take nearly so long to come

-to Paris as it does to come to London. I mean it seems quite unusual to think that

-it takes 6 days to come to London and only one day to come to Paris.

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb88">[<a href="#pb88">88</a>]</span></p>

-<p>So Dorothy is quite upset because she did not want to come as she is madly in love

-with Gerald and Gerald said that we really ought not to leave London without going

-to see England while we happened to be here. But I told him that if England was the

-same kind of a place that London seems to be, I really know <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> much to bother with such a place. I mean we had quite a little quarrel because Gerald

-showed up at the station with a bangle for Dorothy so I told Dorothy she was well

-rid of such a person. So Dorothy had to come with me because Mr. Eisman is paying

-her expenses because he wants Dorothy to be my chaperone.

-</p>

-<p>So the last thing in London was the garden party. I sold quite a lot of red <span class="sic" title="Correction: balloons">baloons</span> and I sold a red <span class="sic" title="Correction: balloons">baloon</span> to Harry Lauder the famous Scotch gentleman who is the famous Scotch tenor for 20

-pounds. So Dorothy said I did not need to buy any ticket to Paris on the boat because

-if I could do that, I could walk across the channel.

-</p>

-<p>So Piggy does not know that we have gone but I sent him a letter and told him I would

-see him some time again some time. And I was really glad to get out of our rooms at

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb89">[<a href="#pb89">89</a>]</span>the Ritz—I mean 50 or 60 orchids really make a girl think of a funeral. So I cabled

-Mr. Eisman and I told him we could not learn anything in London because we knew to

-much, so if we went to Paris at least we could learn French, if we made up our mind

-to it.

-</p>

-<p>So I am really very very <span class="sic" title="Correction: intrigued">intreeged</span> as I have heard so much about Paris and I feel that it must be much more educational

-than London and I can hardly wait to see the Ritz hotel in Paris.

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb93">[<a href="#pb93">93</a>]</span></p>

-</div>

-</div>

-<div id="ch4" class="div1 chapter"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#xd31e279">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divHead">

-<h2 class="label">CHAPTER FOUR</h2>

-<h2 class="main">PARIS IS DEVINE</h2>

-</div>

-<div class="divBody">

-<p class="first dateentry"><i>April 27th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Paris is devine. I mean Dorothy and I got to Paris yesterday, and it really is devine.

-Because the French are devine. Because when we were coming off the boat, and we were

-coming through the customs, it was quite hot and it seemed to smell quite a lot and

-all the French gentlemen in the customs, were squealing quite a lot. So I looked around

-and I picked out a French gentleman who was really in a very gorgeous uniform and

-he seemed to be a very, very important gentleman and I gave him twenty francs worth

-of French money and he was very very gallant and he knocked everybody else down and

-took our bags right through the custom. Because I really think that twenty Francs

-is quite cheap for a gentleman that has got on at least $100 worth of gold braid on

-his coat alone, to speak nothing of his trousers.

-</p>

-<p>I mean the French gentlemen always seem <span class="pageNum" id="pb94">[<a href="#pb94">94</a>]</span>to be squealing quite a lot, especially taxi drivers when they only get a small size

-yellow dime called a ‘fifty santeems’ for a tip. But the good thing about French gentlemen

-is that every time a French gentleman starts in to squeal, you can always stop him

-with five francs, no matter who he is. I mean it is so refreshing to listen to a French

-gentleman stop squeaking, that it would really be quite a bargain even for ten francs.

-</p>

-<p>So we came to the Ritz Hotel and the Ritz Hotel is devine. Because when a girl can

-sit in a delightful bar and have delicious champagne cocktails and look at all the

-important French people in Paris, I think it is devine. I mean when a girl can sit

-there and look at the Dolly sisters and Pearl White and Maybelle Gilman Corey, and

-Mrs. Nash, it is beyond worlds. Because when a girl looks at Mrs. Nash and realizes

-what Mrs. Nash has got out of gentlemen, it really makes a girl hold her breath.

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure p095width"><img src="images/p095.jpg" alt="“If you turn your back on a monument and look up, you can see none other than Coty’s sign!”" width="537" height="273"><p class="figureHead">“<i>If you turn your back on a monument and look up, you can see none other than Coty’s

-sign!</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p>And when a girl walks around and reads all of the signs with all of the famous historical

-names it really makes you hold your breath. Because when Dorothy and I went on a walk,

-we only walked a few blocks <span class="pageNum" id="pb95">[<a href="#pb95">95</a>]</span>but in only a few blocks we read all of the famous historical names, like Coty and

-Cartier and I knew we were seeing something educational at last and our whole trip

-was not a failure. I mean I really try to make Dorothy get educated and have reverance.

-So when we stood at the corner of a place called the Place Vandome, if you turn your

-back on a monument they have in the middle and look up, you can see none other than

-Coty’s sign. So I said to Dorothy, does it not really give you a thrill to realize

-that that is the historical spot where Mr. Coty makes all the perfume? So then Dorothy

-said that she supposed Mr. Coty came to Paris and he smelled Paris and he realized

-that something had to <span class="pageNum" id="pb96">[<a href="#pb96">96</a>]</span>be done. So Dorothy will really never have any reverance.

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure p096width"><img src="images/p096.jpg" alt="“It really seemed to be a bargain but Dorothy and I do not seem to be mathematical enough to tell how much franks is in money.”" width="535" height="272"><p class="figureHead">“<i>It really seemed to be a bargain but Dorothy and I do not seem to be mathematical

-enough to tell how much franks is in money.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p>So then we saw a jewelry store and we saw some jewelry in the window and it really

-seemed to be a very very great bargain but the price marks all had francs on them

-and Dorothy and I do not seem to be mathematical enough to tell how much francs is

-in money. So we went in and asked and it seems it was only 20 dollars and it seems

-it is not diamonds but it is a thing called “paste” which is the name of a word which

-means imitations. So Dorothy said “paste” is the name of the word a girl ought to

-do to a gentleman that handed her one. I mean I <span class="pageNum" id="pb97">[<a href="#pb97">97</a>]</span>would really be embarrassed, but the gentleman did not seem to understand Dorothy’s

-english.

-</p>

-<p>So it really makes a girl feel depressed to think a girl could not tell that it was

-nothing but an imitation. I mean a gentleman could deceeve a girl because he could

-give her a present and it would only be worth 20 dollars. So when Mr. Eisman comes

-to Paris next week, if he wants to make me a present I will make him take me along

-with him because he is really quite an inveteran bargain hunter at heart. So the gentleman

-at the jewelry store said that quite a lot of famous girls in Paris had imitations

-of all their jewelry and they put the jewelry in the safe and they really wore the

-imitations, so they could wear it and have a good time. But I told him I thought that

-any girl who was a lady would not even think of having such a good time that she did

-not remember to hang on to her jewelry.

-</p>

-<p>So then we went back to the Ritz and unpacked our trunks with the aid of really a

-delightful waiter who brought us up some delicious luncheon and who is called Leon

-and who speaks english almost like an American <span class="pageNum" id="pb98">[<a href="#pb98">98</a>]</span>and who Dorothy and I talk to quite a lot. So Leon said that we ought not to stay

-around the Ritz all of the time, but we really ought to see Paris. So Dorothy said

-she would go down in the lobby and meet some gentleman to show us Paris. So in a couple

-of minutes she called up on the telephone from the lobby and she said “I have got

-a French bird down here who is a French title nobleman, who is called a veecount so

-come on down.” So I said “How did a Frenchman get into the Ritz.” So Dorothy said

-“He came in to get out of the rain and he has not noticed that it is stopped.” So

-I said “I suppose you have picked up something without taxi fare as usual. Why did

-you not get an American gentleman who always have money?” So Dorothy said she thought

-a French gentleman had ought to know Paris better. So I said “He does not even know

-it is not raining.” But I went down.

-</p>

-<p>So the veecount was really delightful after all. So then we rode around and we saw

-Paris and we saw how devine it really is. I mean the Eyefull Tower is devine and it

-is much more educational than the London Tower, because you can not even see the London

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb99">[<a href="#pb99">99</a>]</span>Tower if you happen to be two blocks away. But when a girl looks at the Eyefull Tower

-she really knows she is looking at something. And it would even be very difficult

-not to notice the Eyefull Tower.

-</p>

-<p>So then we went to a place called the Madrid to tea and it really was devine. I mean

-we saw the Dolley Sisters and Pearl White and Mrs. Corey and Mrs. Nash all over again.

-</p>

-<p>So then we went to dinner and then we went to Momart and it really was devine because

-we saw them all over again. I mean in Momart they have genuine American jazz bands

-and quite a lot of New York people which we knew and you really would think you were

-in New York and it was devine. So we came back to the Ritz quite late. So Dorothy

-and I had quite a little quarrel because Dorothy said that when we were looking at

-Paris I asked the French veecount what was the name of the unknown soldier who is

-buried under quite a large monument. So I said I really did not mean to ask him, if

-I did, because what I did mean to ask him was, what was the name of his mother <span class="pageNum" id="pb100">[<a href="#pb100">100</a>]</span>because it is always the mother of a dead soldier that I always seem to think about

-more than the dead soldier that has died.

-</p>

-<p>So the French veecount is going to call up in the morning but I am not going to see

-him again. Because French gentlemen are really quite deceeving. I mean they take you

-to quite cute places and they make you feel quite good about yourself and you really

-seem to have a delightful time but when you get home and come to think it all over,

-all you have got is a fan that only cost 20 francs and a doll that they gave you away

-for nothing in a restaurant. I mean a girl has to look out in Paris, or she would

-have such a good time in Paris that she would not get anywheres. So I really think

-that American gentlemen are the best after all, because kissing your hand may make

-you feel very very good but a diamond and safire bracelet lasts forever. Besides,

-I do not think that I ought to go out with any gentlemen in Paris because Mr. Eisman

-will be here next week and he told me that the only kind of gentlemen he wants me

-to go out with are intelectual gentlemen who are good for a girls brains. So I really

-do not seem to see many <span class="pageNum" id="pb102">[<a href="#pb102">102</a>]</span>gentlemen around the Ritz who seem to look like they would be good for a girl’s brains.

-So tomorrow we are going to go shopping and I suppose it would really be to much to

-expect to find a gentleman who would look to Mr. Eisman like he was good for a girls

-brains and at the same time he would like to take us shopping.

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure p101width"><img src="images/p101.jpg" alt="“Kissing your hand may make you feel very good but a diamond bracelet lasts forever.”" width="370" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>Kissing your hand may make you feel very good but a diamond bracelet lasts forever.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>April 29th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Yesterday was quite a day. I mean Dorothy and I were getting ready to go shopping

-and the telephone rang and they said that Lady Francis Beekman was down stairs and

-she wanted to come up stairs. So I really was quite surprised. I mean I did not know

-what to say, so I said all right. So then I told Dorothy and then we put our brains

-together. Because it seems that Lady Francis Beekman is the wife of the gentleman

-called Sir Francis Beekman who was the admirer of mine in London who seemed to admire

-me so much that he asked me if he could make me a present of a diamond tiara. So it

-seemed as if his wife must have heard about it, and it really seemed as if she must

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb103">[<a href="#pb103">103</a>]</span>have come clear over from London about it. So there was a very very loud knock at

-the door so we asked her to come in. So Lady Francis Beekman came in and she is a

-quite large size lady who seems to resemble Bill Hart quite a lot. I mean Dorothy

-thinks that Lady Francis Beeckman resembles Bill Hart quite a lot, only she really

-thinks she looks more like Bill Hart’s horse. So it seems that she said that if I

-did not give her back the diamond tiara right away, she would make quite a fuss and

-she would ruin my reputation. Because she said that something really must be wrong

-about the whole thing. Because it seems that Sir Francis Beekman and she have been

-married for 35 years and the last present he gave to her was a wedding ring. So Dorothy

-spoke up and she said “Lady you could no more ruin my girl friends reputation than

-you could sink the Jewish fleet.” I mean I was quite proud of Dorothy the way she

-stood up for my reputation. Because I really think that there is nothing so wonderful

-as two girls when they stand up for each other and help each other a lot. Because

-no matter how vigarous Lady Francis Beekman seems to be, she had to realize that she

-could not <span class="pageNum" id="pb104">[<a href="#pb104">104</a>]</span>sink a whole fleet full of ships. So she had to stop talking against my reputation.

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure p104width"><img src="images/p104.jpg" alt="“Dorothy said ‘You have got to be the Queen of England to get away with a hat like that.’”" width="544" height="276"><p class="figureHead">“<i>Dorothy said ‘You have got to be the Queen of England to get away with a hat like

-that.’</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p>So then she said she would drag it into the court and she would say that it was undue

-influence. So I said to her, “If you wear that hat into a court, we will see if the

-judge thinks it took an undue influence to make Sir Francis Beekman look at a girl.”

-So then Dorothy spoke up and Dorothy said “My girl friend is right, Lady. You have

-got to be the Queen of England to get away with a hat like that.” So Lady Francis

-Beekman seemed to get quite angry. So then she said she would send for Sir Francis

-Beekman where he suddenly went to Scotland, to go hunting when he found out that Lady

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb105">[<a href="#pb105">105</a>]</span>Francis Beekman had found out. So Dorothy said “Do you mean that you have left Sir

-Francis Beekman loose with all those spendthrifts down in Scotland?” So Dorothy said

-she would better look out or he would get together with the boys some night and simply

-massacre a haypenny. I mean I always encouradge Dorothy to talk quite a lot when we

-are talking to unrefined people like Lady Francis Beekman, because Dorothy speaks

-their own languadge to unrefined people better than a refined girl like I. So Dorothy

-said, “You had better not send for Sir Francis Beekman because if my girl friend really

-wanted to turn loose on Sir Francis Beekman, all he would have left would be his title.”

-So then I spoke right up and said Yes that I was an American girl and we American

-girls do not care about a title because we American girls always say that what is

-good enough for Washington is good enough for us. So Lady Francis Beekman really seemed

-to get more angry and more angry all of the time.

-</p>

-<p>So then she said that if it was necessary, she would tell the judge that Sir Francis

-Beekman went out of his mind when he gave <span class="pageNum" id="pb106">[<a href="#pb106">106</a>]</span>it to me. So Dorothy said “Lady, if you go into a court and if the judge gets a good

-look at you, he will think that Sir Francis Beekman was out of his mind 35 years ago.”

-So then Lady Francis Beekman said she knew what kind of a person she had to deal with

-and she would not deal with any such a person because she said it hurt her dignity.

-So Dorothy said “Lady, if we hurt your dignity like you hurt our eyesight I hope for

-your sake, you are a Christian science.” So that seemed to make Lady Francis Beekman

-angry. So she said she would turn it all over to her soliciter. So when she went out

-she tripped over quite a long train which she had on her skirt and she nearly fell

-down. So Dorothy leaned out of the door and Dorothy called down the hall and said,

-“Take a tuck in that skirt Isabel, its 1925.” So I really felt quite depressed because

-I felt as if our whole morning was really very unrefined just because we had to mix

-with such an unrefined lady as Lady Francis Beekman.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>April 30th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>So sure enough yesterday morning Lady Francis Beekman’s solicitor came. Only he <span class="pageNum" id="pb107">[<a href="#pb107">107</a>]</span>really was not a solicitor, but his name was on a card and it seems his name is Mons.

-Broussard and it seems that he is an advocat because an advocat is a lawyer in the

-French <span class="sic" title="Correction: language">landguage</span>. So Dorothy and I were getting dressed and we were in our <span class="sic" title="Correction: negligee">negligay</span> as usual when there was quite a loud knock on the door and before we could even say

-come in he jumped right into the room. So it seems that he is of French extraction.

-I mean Lady Francis Beekman’s solicitor can really squeal just like a taxi driver.

-I mean he was squealing quite loud when he jumped into the room and he kept right

-on squealing. So Dorothy and I rushed into the parlor and Dorothy looked at him and

-Dorothy said, “This town has got to stop playing jokes on us every morning” because

-our nerves could not stand it. So Mons. Broussard handed us his card and he squealed

-and squealed and he really waved his arms in the air quite a lot. So Dorothy said

-He gives quite a good imitation of the Moulan Rouge, which is really a red wind mill,

-only Dorothy said he makes more noise and he runs on his own wind. So we stood and

-watched him for quite a long while, but he seemed to get quite monotonous <span class="pageNum" id="pb108">[<a href="#pb108">108</a>]</span>after quite a long while because he was always talking in French, which really means

-nothing to us. So Dorothy said “Lets see if 25 francs will stop him, because if 5

-francs will stop a taxi driver, 25 francs ought to stop an advocat.” Because he was

-making about 5 times as much noise as a taxi driver and 5 times 5 is 25. So as soon

-as he heard us start in to talk about francs he seemed to calm down quite a little.

-So Dorothy got her pocket book and she gave him 25 francs. So then he stopped squealing

-and he put it in his pocket, but then he got out quite a large size handkerchief with

-purple elefants on it and he started in to cry. So Dorothy really got discouraged

-and she said<span class="corr" id="xd31e1033" title="Source: .">,</span> “Look here, you have given us a quite an amusing morning but if you keep that up

-much longer, wet or dry, out you go.”

-</p>

-<p>So then he started in to pointing at the telephone and he seemed to want to use the

-telephone and Dorothy said, “If you think you can get a number over that thing, go

-to it, but as far as we have found out, it is a wall bracket.” So then he started

-in to telephone so Dorothy and I went about our business to get dressed. So when he

-finished telephoning <span class="pageNum" id="pb109">[<a href="#pb109">109</a>]</span>he kept running to my door and then he kept running to Dorothy’s door, and he kept

-on crying and talking a lot, but he seemed to have lost all of his novelty to us so

-we paid no more attention to him.

-</p>

-<p>So finally there was another loud knock on the door so we heard him rush to the door

-so we both went in to the parlor to see what it was and it really was a sight. Because

-it was another Frenchman. So the new Frenchman rushed in and he yelled Papa and he

-kissed him. So it seems that it was his son because his son is really his papa’s partner

-in the advocat business. So then his papa talked quite a lot and then he pointed at

-I and Dorothy. So then his son looked at us and then his son let out quite a large

-size squeal, and he said in French “May papa, elles sont sharmant.” So it seems he

-was telling his papa in French that we were really charming. So then Mons. Broussard

-stopped crying and put on his glasses and took a good look at us. So then his son

-put up the window shade, so his papa could get a better look at us. So when his papa

-had finished looking at us he really became delighted. So he became all smiles and

-he pinched our cheeks <span class="pageNum" id="pb110">[<a href="#pb110">110</a>]</span>and he kept on saying Sharmant all of the time because Sharmant means charming in

-the French languadge. So then his son broke right out into english and he really speaks

-english as good as an American. So then he told us his papa telephoned for him to

-come over because we did not seem to understand what his papa was saying to us. So

-it seems that Mons. Broussard had been talking to us in english all of the time but

-we did not seem to understand his kind of english. So Dorothy said, “If what your

-papa was talking in was english, I could get a gold medal for my greek.” So then his

-son told his papa and his papa laughed very very loud and he pinched Dorothys cheek

-and he was very delighted even if the joke was on him. So then Dorothy and I asked

-his son what he was saying, when he was talking to us in english and his son said

-he was telling us all about his client, Lady Francis Beekman. So then we asked his

-son why his papa kept crying. So then his son said his papa kept crying because he

-was thinking about Lady Francis Beekman. So Dorothy said, “If he cries when he thinks

-about her, what does he do when he looks at her?” So <span class="pageNum" id="pb111">[<a href="#pb111">111</a>]</span>then his son explained to his papa what Dorothy said. So then Mons. Broussard laughed

-very very loud, so then he kissed Dorothy’s hand, so he said, after that, we would

-all really have to have a bottle of champagne. So he went to the telephone and ordered

-a bottle of champagne.

-</p>

-<p>So then his son said to his papa, “Why do we not ask the charming ladies to go out

-to Fountainblo to-day.” So his papa said it would be charming. So then I said, “How

-are we going to tell you gentlemen apart, because if it is the same in Paris as it

-is in America, you would both seem to be Monshure Broussard.<span class="corr" id="xd31e1048" title="Not in source">”</span> So then we got the idea to call them by their first name. So it seems that his son’s

-name is Louie so Dorothy spoke up and said, “I hear that they number all of you Louies

-over here in Paris.” Because a girl is always hearing some one talk about Louie the

-sixteenth who seemed to be in the anteek furniture business. I mean I was surprised

-to hear Dorothy get so historical so she may really be getting educated in spite of

-everything. But Dorothy told Louie he need not try to figure out his number because

-she got it the minute she looked at him. So it seems <span class="pageNum" id="pb112">[<a href="#pb112">112</a>]</span>his papa’s name is Robber, which means Robert in French. So Dorothy started in to

-think about her 25 francs and she said to Robber, “Your mother certainly knew her

-<span class="sic" title="Correction: grammar">grammer</span> when she called you that.”

-</p>

-<p>So Dorothy said we might as well go out to Fountainblo with Louie and Robber if Louie

-would take off his yellow spats that were made out of yellow shammy skin with pink

-pearl buttons. Because Dorothy said, “Fun is fun but no girl wants to laugh all of

-the time.” So Louie is really always anxious to please, so he took off his spats but

-when he took off his spats, we saw his socks and when we saw his socks we saw that

-they were Scotch plaid with small size rainbows running through them. So Dorothy looked

-at them a little while and she really became quite discouraged and she said, “Well

-Louie, I think you had better put your spats back on.”

-</p>

-<p>So then Leon, our friend who is the waiter, came in with the bottle of champagne.

-So while he was opening the bottle of champagne Louie and Robber talked together in

-French quite a lot and I really think I had ought to find out what they said in French

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb113">[<a href="#pb113">113</a>]</span>because it might be about the diamond tiara. Because French gentlemen are very very

-gallant, but I really do not think a girl can trust one of them around a corner. So,

-when I get a chance, I am going to ask Leon what they said.

-</p>

-<p>So then we went to Fountainblo and then we went to Momart and we got home very late,

-and we really had quite a delightful day and night, even if we did not go out shopping

-and buy anything. But I really think we ought to do more shopping because shopping

-really seems to be what Paris is principaly for.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>May 1st</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Well this morning I sent for Leon, who is Dorothy and my waiter friend, and I asked

-him what Louie and Robber said in French. So it seems that they said in French that

-we seemed to attract them very very much because they really thought that we were

-very very charming, and they had not met girls that were so charming in quite a long

-time. So it seems that they said that they would ask us out a lot and that they would

-charge up <span class="pageNum" id="pb114">[<a href="#pb114">114</a>]</span>all the bills to Lady Francis Beekman because they would watch for their chance and

-they would steal the diamond tiara. So then they said that even if they could not

-steal it from us, we were really so charming that it would be delightful to go around

-with us, even if they could not steal from us. So no matter what happens they really

-could not lose. Because it seems that Lady Francis Beekman would be glad to pay all

-the bills when they told her they had to take us out a lot so they could watch for

-their chance and steal it. Because Lady Francis Beekman is the kind of a wealthy lady

-that does not spend money on anything else but she will always spend money on a law

-suit. And she really would not mind spending the money because it seems that something

-either I or Dorothy said to Lady Francis Beekman seemed to make her angry.

-</p>

-<p>So then I decided it was time to do some thinking and I really thought quite a lot.

-So I told Dorothy I thought I would put the real diamond tiara in the safe at the

-Ritz and then I would buy an imitation of a diamond tiara at the jewelry store that

-has the imitations that are called paste. So then I would <span class="pageNum" id="pb115">[<a href="#pb115">115</a>]</span>leave the imitation of the diamond tiara lying around, so Louie and Robber could see

-how careless I seem to be with it so then they would get full of encouradgement. So

-when we go out with Louie and Robber I could put it in my hand bag and I could take

-it with me so Louie and Robber could always feel that the diamond tiara was within

-reach. So then Dorothy and I could get them to go shopping and we could get them to

-spend quite a lot and every time they seemed to get discouradged, I could open my

-hand bag, and let them get a glimpse of the imitation of a diamond tiara and they

-would become more encouradged and then they would spend some more money. Because I

-even might let them steal it at the last, because they were really charming gentlemen

-after all and I really would like to help Louie and Robber. I mean it would be quite

-amusing for them to steal it for Lady Francis Beekman and she would have to pay them

-quite a lot and then she would find out it was only made out of paste after all. Because

-Lady Francis Beekman has never seen the real diamond tiara and the imitation of a

-diamond tiara would really deceive her, at least until Louie <span class="pageNum" id="pb116">[<a href="#pb116">116</a>]</span>and Robber got all of their money for all of the hard work they did. I mean the imitation

-of a diamond tiara would only cost about 65 dollars and what is 65 dollars if Dorothy

-and I could do some delightful shopping and get some delightful presents that would

-even seem more delightful when we stopped to realize that Lady Francis Beekman paid

-for them. And it would teach Lady Francis Beekman a lesson not to say what she said

-to two American girls like I and Dorothy, who were all alone in Paris and had no gentleman

-to protect them.

-</p>

-<p>So when I got through telling Dorothy what I thought up, Dorothy looked at me and

-looked at me and she really said she thought my brains were a miracle. I mean she

-said my brains reminded her of a radio because you listen to it for days and days

-and you get discouradged and just when you are getting ready to smash it, something

-comes out that is a masterpiece.

-</p>

-<p>So then Louie called us up so Dorothy told him that we thought it would be delightful

-if he and Robber would take us out shopping tomorrow morning. So then Louie asked

-his papa and his papa said they would. So then <span class="pageNum" id="pb117">[<a href="#pb117">117</a>]</span>they asked us if we would like to go to see a play called The Foley Bergere tonight.

-So he said that all of the French people who live in Paris are always delighted to

-have some Americans, so it will give them an excuse to go to the Foley Bergere. So

-we said we would go. So now Dorothy and I are going out shopping to buy the imitation

-of a diamond tiara and we are going out window shopping to pick out where we would

-like Louie and Robber to take us shopping tomorrow.

-</p>

-<p>So I really think that everything always works out for the best. Because after all,

-we really need some gentlemen to take us around until Mr. Eisman gets to Paris and

-we could not go around with any really attractive gentlemen because Mr. Eisman only

-wants me to go out with gentlemen that have brains. So I said to Dorothy that, even

-if Louie and Robber do not look so full of brains, we could tell Mr. Eisman that all

-we were learning from them was French. So even if I have not seemed to learn French

-yet, I have really almost learned to understand Robbers english so when Robber talks

-in front of Mr. Eisman and I seem to understand <span class="pageNum" id="pb118">[<a href="#pb118">118</a>]</span>what he is saying, Mr. Eisman will probably think I know French.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>May 2nd</i>:

-</p>

-<p>So last night we went to the Foley Bergere and it really was <span class="sic" title="Correction: divine">devine</span>. I mean it was very very artistic because it had girls in it that were in the nude.

-So one of the girls was a friend of Louie and he said that she was a very very nice

-girl, and that she was only 18 years of age. So Dorothy said, “She is slipping it

-over on you Louie, because how could a girl get such dirty knees in only 18 years?”

-So Louie and Robber really laughed very very loud. I mean Dorothy was very unrefined

-at the Foley Bergere. But I always think that when girls are in the nude it is very

-artistic and if you have artistic thoughts you think it is beautiful and I really

-would not laugh in an artistic place like the Foley Bergere.

-</p>

-<p>So I wore the imitation of a diamond tiara to the Foley Bergere. I mean it really

-would <span class="sic" title="Correction: deceive">deceeve</span> an expert and Louie and Robber could hardly take their eyes off of it. But they did

-not really annoy me because I had it tied on very very tight. I mean it would be <span class="pageNum" id="pb120">[<a href="#pb120">120</a>]</span>fatal if they got the diamond tiara before Dorothy and I took them shopping a lot.

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure p119width"><img src="images/p119.jpg" alt="“Dorothy was very unrefined at the Foley Bergere.”" width="368" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>Dorothy was very unrefined at the Foley Bergere.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p>So we are all ready to go shopping this morning and Robber was here bright and early

-and he is in the parlor with Dorothy and we are waiting for Louie. So I left the daimond

-tiara on the table in the parlor so Robber could see how careless I really am with

-everything but Dorothy is keeping her eye on Robber. So I just heard Louie come in

-because I heard him kissing Robber. I mean Louie is always kissing Robber and Dorothy

-told Louie that if he did not stop kissing Robber, people would think that he painted

-batiks.

-</p>

-<p>So now I must join the others and I will put the diamond tiara in my hand bag so that

-Louie and Robber will feel that it is always around and we will all go shopping. And

-I almost have to smile when I think of Lady Francis Beekman.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>May 3rd</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Yesterday was really delightful. I mean Louie and Robber bought Dorothy and I some

-delightful presents. But then they began to run out of all the franks they had with

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb121">[<a href="#pb121">121</a>]</span>them, so they began to get discouradged but just as soon as they began to get discouradged,

-I gave Robber my hand bag to hold while I went to the fitting room to try on a blouse.

-So he was cheered up quite a lot, but of course Dorothy stayed with them and kept

-her eye on Robber so he did not get a chance. But it really cheered him up quite a

-lot to even hold it.

-</p>

-<p>So after all their franks were gone, Robber said he would have to telephone to some

-one, so I suppose he telephoned to Lady Francis Beekman and she must have said All

-right because Robber left us at a place called the Cafe de la Paix because he had

-to go on an errand and when he came back from his errand he seemed to have quite a

-lot more franks. So then they took us to luncheon so that after luncheon we could

-go out shopping some more.

-</p>

-<p>But I am really learning quite a lot of French in spite of everything. I mean if you

-want delicious chicken and peas for luncheon all you have to say is “pettypas” and

-<span class="corr" id="xd31e1119" title="Source: ‘">“</span>pulle.” I mean French is really very easy, for instance the French use the word “sheik”

-for everything, while we only seem to use it <span class="pageNum" id="pb122">[<a href="#pb122">122</a>]</span>for gentlemen when they seem to resemble Rudolf Valentino.

-</p>

-<p>So while we were shopping in the afternoon I saw Louie get Dorothy off in a corner

-and whisper to her quite a lot. So then I saw Robber get her off in a corner and whisper

-to her quite a lot. So when we got back to the Ritz, Dorothy told me why they whispered

-to her. So it seems when Louie whispered to Dorothy, Louie told Dorothy that if she

-would steal the diamond tiara from me and give it to him and not let his papa know,

-he would give her 1000 franks. Because it seems that Lady Francis Beekman has got

-her heart set on it and she will pay quite a lot for it because she is quite angry

-and when she really gets as angry as she is, she is only a woman with one idea. So

-if Louie could get it and his papa would not find it out, he could keep all the money

-for himself. So it seems that later on, when Robber was whispering to Dorothy, he

-was making her the same proposition for 2000 franks so that Louie would not find out

-and Robber could keep all the money for himself. So I really think it would be delightful

-if Dorothy could make some money for herself because it might make <span class="pageNum" id="pb123">[<a href="#pb123">123</a>]</span>Dorothy get some ambishions. So tomorrow morning Dorothy is going to take the diamond

-tiara and she is going to tell Louie that she stole it and she is going to sell it

-to Louie. But she will make him hand over the money first and then, just as she is

-going to hand over the diamond tiara, I am going to walk in on them and say, “Oh there

-is my diamond tiara. I have been looking for it everywhere.” So then I will get it

-back. So then she will tell him that she might just as well keep the 1000 franks because

-she will steal it for him again in the afternoon. So in the afternoon she is going

-to sell it to Robber and I really think we will let Robber keep it. Because I am quite

-fond of Robber. I mean he is quite a sweet old gentleman and it is really refreshing

-the way he and his son love one another. Because even if it is unusual for an American

-to see a French gentleman always kissing his father, I really think it is refreshing

-and I think that we Americans would be better off if we American fathers and sons

-would love one another more like Louie and Robber.

-</p>

-<p>So Dorothy and I have quite a lot of delightful hand bags and stockings and handkerchiefs

-and scarfs and things and some <span class="pageNum" id="pb124">[<a href="#pb124">124</a>]</span>quite cute models of evening gowns that are all covered with imitations of diamonds,

-only they do not call them “paste” when they are on a dress but they call them “diamonteys”

-and I really think a girl looks quite cute when she is covered all over with “diamonteys.”

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>May 5th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>So yesterday morning Dorothy sold the imitation of a diamond tiara to Louie. So then

-we got it back. So in the afternoon we all went out to Versigh. I mean Louie and Robber

-were quite delighted not to go shopping any more so I suppose that Lady Francis Beekman

-really thinks that there is a limit to almost everything. So I took Louie for a walk

-at Versigh so that Dorothy would have a chance to sell it to Robber. So then she sold

-it to Robber. So then he put it in his pocket. But when we were coming home I got

-to thinking things over and I really got to thinking that an imitation of a diamond

-tiara was quite a good thing to have after all. I mean especially if a girl goes around

-a lot in Paris, with admirers who are of the French extraction. And after all, I really

-do not think a girl ought to encouradge Robber to <span class="pageNum" id="pb125">[<a href="#pb125">125</a>]</span>steal something from two American girls who are all alone in Paris and have no gentleman

-to protect them. So I asked Dorothy which pocket Robber put it in, so I sat next to

-him in the automobile coming home and I took it out.

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure p125width"><img src="images/p125.jpg" alt="“So then Robber started in to squeal once more.”" width="535" height="272"><p class="figureHead">“<i>So then Robber started in to squeal once more.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p>So we were in quite a quaint restaurant for dinner when Robber put his hand in his

-pocket and then he started in to squeal once more. So it seems he had lost something,

-so he and Louie had one of their regular squealing and shoulder shrugging matches.

-But Louie told his papa that he did not steal it out of his papa’s pocket. But then

-Robber started in to cry to think that his son would steal something out of his own

-papa’s pocket. <span class="pageNum" id="pb126">[<a href="#pb126">126</a>]</span>So after Dorothy and I had had about all we could stand, I told them all about it.

-I mean I really felt sorry for Robber so I told him not to cry any more because it

-was nothing but paste after all. So then I showed it to them. So then Louie and Robber

-looked at Dorothy and I and they really held their breath. So I suppose that most

-of the girls in Paris do not have such brains as we American girls.

-</p>

-<p>So after it was all over, Louie and Robber seemed to be so depressed that I really

-felt sorry for them. So I got an idea. So I told them that we would all go out tomorrow

-to the imitation of a jewelry store and they could buy another imitation of a diamond

-tiara to give to Lady Francis Beekman and they could get the man in the jewelry store

-to put on the bill that it was a hand bag and they could charge the bill to Lady Francis

-Beekman along with the other expenses. Because Lady Francis Beekman had never seen

-the real diamond tiara anyway. So Dorothy spoke up and Dorothy said that as far as

-Lady Francis Beekman would know about diamonds, you could nick off a piece of ice

-and give it to her, only it would melt. So <span class="pageNum" id="pb127">[<a href="#pb127">127</a>]</span>then Robber looked at me and looked at me, and he reached over and kissed me on the

-forehead in a way that was really full of reverance.

-</p>

-<p>So then we had quite a delightful evening. I mean because we all seem to understand

-one another because, after all, Dorothy and I could really have a platonick friendship

-with gentlemen like Louie and Robber. I mean there seems to be something common between

-us, especially when we all get to thinking about Lady Francis Beekman.

-</p>

-<p>So they are going to charge Lady Francis Beekman quite a lot of money when they give

-her the imitation of a diamond tiara and I told Robber if she seems to complane, to

-ask her, if she knew that Sir Francis Beekman sent me 10 pounds worth of orchids every

-day while we were in London. So that would make her so angry that she would be glad

-to pay almost anything to get the diamond tiara.

-</p>

-<p>So when Lady Francis Beekman pays them all the money, Louie and Robber are going to

-give us a dinner in our honor at Ciros. So when Mr. Eisman gets here on Saturday,

-Dorothy and I are going to make Mr. Eisman give Louie and Robber a dinner in their

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb128">[<a href="#pb128">128</a>]</span>honor at Ciros because of the way they helped us when we were two American girls all

-alone in Paris and could not even speak the French landguage.

-</p>

-<p>So Louie and Robber asked us to come to a party at their sister’s house today but

-Dorothy says we had better not go because it is raining and we both have brand new

-umbrellas that are quite cute and Dorothy says she would not think of leaving a brand

-new umbrella in a French lady’s hall and it is no fun to hang on to an umbrella all

-the time you are at a party. So we had better be on the safe side and stay away. So

-we called up Louie and told him we had a headache but we thanked him for all of his

-hospitality. Because it is the way all the French people like Louie and Robber are

-so hospitable to we Americans that really makes Paris so devine.

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb131">[<a href="#pb131">131</a>]</span></p>

-</div>

-</div>

-<div id="ch5" class="div1 chapter"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#xd31e289">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divHead">

-<h2 class="label">CHAPTER FIVE</h2>

-<h2 class="main">THE CENTRAL OF EUROPE</h2>

-</div>

-<div class="divBody">

-<p class="first dateentry"><i>May 16th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>I really have not written in my diary for quite a long time, because Mr. Eisman arrived

-in Paris and when Mr. Eisman is in Paris we really do not seem to do practically anything

-else but the same thing.

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure p131width"><img src="images/p131.jpg" alt="“When Mr. Eisman is in Paris we do not do anything else but the same thing.”" width="543" height="275"><p class="figureHead">“<i>When Mr. Eisman is in Paris we do not do anything else but the same thing.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p>I mean we go shopping and we go to a show and we go to Momart and when a girl is always

-going with Mr. Eisman nothing practically happens. And I did not even bother to learn

-any more French because I <span class="pageNum" id="pb132">[<a href="#pb132">132</a>]</span>always seem to think it is better to leave French to those that can not do anything

-else but talk French. So finally Mr. Eisman seemed to lose quite a lot of interest

-in all of my shopping. So he heard about a button factory that was for sale quite

-cheaply in Vienna and as Mr. Eisman is in the button profession, he thought it would

-be a quite good thing to have a button factory in Vienna so he went to Vienna and

-he said he did not care if he did not ever see the rue de la Paix again. So he said

-if he thought Vienna would be good for a girl’s brains, he would send for Dorothy

-and I and we could meet him at Vienna and learn something. Because Mr. Eisman really

-wants me to get educated more than anything else, especially shopping.

-</p>

-<p>So now we have a telegram, and Mr. Eisman says in the telegram for Dorothy and I to

-take an oriental express because we really ought to see the central of Europe because

-we American girls have quite a lot to learn in the central of Europe. So Dorothy says

-if Mr. Eisman wants us to see the central of Europe she bets there is not a rue de

-la Paix in the whole central of Europe.

-</p>

-<p>So Dorothy and I are going to take an <span class="pageNum" id="pb133">[<a href="#pb133">133</a>]</span>oriental express tomorrow and I really think it is quite unusual for two American

-girls like I and Dorothy to take an oriental express all alone, because it seems that

-in the Central of Europe they talk some other kinds of <span class="sic" title="Correction: languages">landguages</span> which we do not understand besides French. But I always think that there is nearly

-always some gentleman who will protect two American girls like I and Dorothy who are

-all alone and who are traveling in the Central of Europe to get educated.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>May 17th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>So now we are on an oriental express and everything seems to be quite unusual. I mean

-Dorothy and I got up this morning and we looked out of the window of our compartment

-and it was really quite unusual. Because it was farms, and we saw quite a lot of girls

-who seemed to be putting small size hay stacks onto large size hay stacks while their

-husbands seemed to sit at a table under quite a shady tree and drink beer. Or else

-their husbands seemed to sit on a fence and smoke their pipe and watch them. So Dorothy

-and I looked at two girls who seemed to be ploughing up all of the ground with only

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb134">[<a href="#pb134">134</a>]</span>the aid of a cow and Dorothy said, “I think we girls have gone one step <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> far away from New York, because it begins to look to me as if the Central of Europe

-is no country for we girls.” So we both became quite worried. I mean I became quite

-depressed because if this is what Mr. Eisman thinks we American girls ought to learn

-I really think it is quite depressing. So I do not think we care to meet any gentlemen

-who have been born and raised in the Central of Europe. I mean the more I travel and

-the more I seem to see other gentlemen the more I seem to think of American gentlemen.

-</p>

-<p>So now I am going to get dressed and go to the dining car and look for some American

-gentleman and hold a conversation, because I really feel so depressed. I mean Dorothy

-keeps trying to depress me because she keeps saying that I will probably end up in

-a farm in the Central of Europe doing a sister act with a plough. Because Dorothy’s

-jokes are really very unrefined and I think that I will feel much better if I go to

-the dining car and have some luncheon.

-</p>

-<hr class="tb"><p>

-</p>

-<p>Well I went to the dining car and I met a <span class="pageNum" id="pb135">[<a href="#pb135">135</a>]</span>gentleman who was quite a delightful American gentleman, I mean it was quite a co-instance,

-because we girls have always heard about Henry Spoffard and it was really nobody else

-but the famous Henry Spoffard, who is the famous Spoffard family, who is a very very

-fine old family who is very very wealthy. I mean Mr. Spoffard is one of the most famous

-familys in New York and he is not like most gentlemen who are wealthy, but he works

-all of the time for the good of the others. I mean he is the gentleman who always

-gets his picture in all of the newspapers because he is always senshuring all of the

-plays that are not good for peoples morals. And all of we girls remember the time

-when he was in the Ritz for luncheon and he met a gentleman friend of his and the

-gentleman friend had Peggy Hopkins Joyce to luncheon and he introduced Peggy Hopkins

-Joyce to Mr. Spoffard and Mr. Spoffard turned on his heels and walked away. Because

-Mr. Spoffard is a very very famous Prespyterian and he is really much to Prespyterian

-to meet Peggy Hopkins Joyce. I mean it is unusual to see a gentleman who is such a

-young gentleman as Mr. Spoffard be so Prespyterian, <span class="pageNum" id="pb136">[<a href="#pb136">136</a>]</span>because when most gentlemen are 35 years of age their minds nearly always seem to

-be on something else.

-</p>

-<p>So when I saw no one else but the famous Mr. Spoffard I really became quite thrilled.

-Because all of we girls have tried very hard to have an introduction to Henry Spoffard

-and it was quite unusual to be shut up on a train in the Central of Europe with him.

-So I thought it would be quite unusual for a girl like I to have a friendship with

-a gentleman like Mr. Spoffard, who really does not even look at a girl unless she

-at least looks like a <span class="sic" title="Correction: Presbyterian">Prespyterian</span>. And I mean our family in Little Rock were really not so <span class="sic" title="Correction: Presbyterian">Prespyterians</span>.

-</p>

-<p>So I thought I would sit at his table. So then I had to ask him about all of the money

-because all of the money they use in the Central of Europe has not even got so much

-sense to it as the kind of franks they use in Paris. Because it seems to be called

-kronens and it seems to take quite a lot of them because it takes 50,000 of them to

-even buy a small size package of cigarettes and Dorothy says if the cigarettes had

-tobacco in them, we couldn’t lift enough kronens over a counter to pay for <span class="pageNum" id="pb137">[<a href="#pb137">137</a>]</span>a package. So this morning Dorothy and I asked the porter to bring us a bottle of

-champagne and we really did not know what to give him for a tip. So Dorothy said for

-me to take one of the things called a one million kronens and she would take one of

-them called a one million kronens and I would give him mine first and if he gave me

-quite a dirty look, she would give him hers. So after we paid for the bottle of champagne

-I gave him my one million kronens and before we could do anything else he started

-in to grabbing my hand and kissing my hand and getting down on his knees. So we finally

-had to push him right out of the compartment. So one million kronens seemed to be

-enough. So I told Mr. Spoffard how we did not know what to give the porter when he

-brought us our bottle of minral water. So then I asked him to tell me all about all

-of the money because I told him I always seem to think that a penny earned was a penny

-saved. So it really was quite unusual because Mr. Spoffard said that that was his

-favorite motto.

-</p>

-<hr class="tb"><p>

-</p>

-<p>So then we got to talking quite a lot and I told him that I was traveling to get educated

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb138">[<a href="#pb138">138</a>]</span>and I told him I had a girl with me who I was trying to reform because I thought if

-she would put her mind more on getting educated, she would get more reformed. Because

-after all Mr. Spoffard will have to meet Dorothy sooner or later and he might wonder

-what a refined girl like I was doing with a girl like Dorothy. So Mr. Spoffard really

-became quite <span class="sic" title="Correction: intrigued">intreeged</span>. Because Mr. Spoffard loves to reform people and he loves to <span class="sic" title="Correction: censure">senshure</span> everything and he really came over to Europe to look at all the things that Americans

-come over to Europe to look at, when they really should not look at them but they

-should look at all of the museums instead. Because if that is all we Americans come

-to Europe to look at, we should stay home and look at America first. So Mr. Spoffard

-spends all of his time looking at things that spoil <span class="sic" title="Correction: people’s">peoples</span> morals. So Mr. Spoffard really must have very very strong morals or else all the

-things that spoil other <span class="sic" title="Correction: people’s">peoples</span> morals would spoil his morals. But they do not seem to spoil Mr. <span class="sic" title="Correction: Spoffard’s">Spoffards</span> morals and I really think it is wonderful to have such strong morals. So I told Mr.

-Spoffard that I thought that civilization is not what it ought to be and we <span class="pageNum" id="pb139">[<a href="#pb139">139</a>]</span>really ought to have something else to take its place.

-</p>

-<p>So Mr. Spoffard said that he would come to call on Dorothy and I in our compartment

-this afternoon and we would talk it all over, if his mother does not seem to need

-him in her compartment. Because Mr. Spoffards mother always travels with Mr. Spoffard

-and he never does anything unless he tells his mother all about it, and asks his mother

-if he ought to. So he told me that that is the reason he has never got married, because

-his mother does not think that all of the flappers we seem to have nowadays are what

-a young man ought to marry when a young man is full of so many morals as Mr. Spoffard

-seems to be full of. So I told Mr. Spoffard that I really felt just like his mother

-feels about all of the flappers because I am an old fashioned girl.

-</p>

-<p>So then I got to worrying about Dorothy quite a lot because Dorothy is really not

-so old-fashioned and she might say something in front of Mr. Spoffard that might make

-Mr. Spoffard wonder what such an old-fashioned girl as I was doing with such a girl

-as Dorothy. So I told him how I was having quite <span class="pageNum" id="pb140">[<a href="#pb140">140</a>]</span>a hard time reforming Dorothy and I would like to have him meet Dorothy so he could

-tell me if he really thinks I am wasting quite a lot of time trying to reform a girl

-like Dorothy. So then he had to go to his mother. So I really hope that Dorothy will

-act more reformed than she usually acts in front of Mr. Spoffard.

-</p>

-<p>Well Mr. Spoffard just left our compartment so he really came to pay a call on us

-after all. So Mr. Spoffard told us all about his mother and I was really very very

-intreeged because if Mr. Spoffard and I become friendly he is the kind of a gentleman

-that always wants a girl to meet his mother. I mean if a girl gets to know what kind

-of a mother a gentlemans mother is like, she really knows more what kind of a conversation

-to use on a gentleman’s mother when she meets her. Because a girl like I is really

-always on the verge of meeting gentlemen’s mothers. But such an unrefined girl as

-Dorothy is really not the kind of a girl that ever meets gentlemens mothers.

-</p>

-<hr class="tb"><p>

-</p>

-<p>So Mr. Spoffard says his mother has to have him take care of her quite a lot. Because

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb141">[<a href="#pb141">141</a>]</span>Mr. <span class="sic" title="Correction: Spoffard’s">Spoffards</span> <span class="sic" title="Correction: mother’s">mothers</span> brains have never really been so strong. Because it seems his mother came from such

-a very fine old family that even when she was quite a small size child she had to

-be sent to a school that was a special school for people of very fine old <span class="sic" title="Correction: families">familys</span> who had to have things very easy on their brain. So she still has to have things

-very easy on her brain, so she has a girl who is called her companion who goes with

-her everywhere who is called Miss Chapman. Because Mr. Spoffard says that there is

-always something new going on in the world which they did not get a chance to tell

-her about at the school. So now Miss Chapman keeps telling her instead. Because how

-would she know what to think about such a new thing as a radio, for instance, if she

-did not have Miss Chapman to tell her what it was, for instance. So Dorothy spoke

-up and Dorothy said, “What a responsibility that girl has got on her shoulders. For

-instance, what if Miss Chapman told her a radio was something to build a fire in,

-and she would get cold some day and stuff it full of papers and light it.” But Mr.

-Spoffard told Dorothy that Miss Chapman would never make such a <span class="pageNum" id="pb142">[<a href="#pb142">142</a>]</span>mistake. Because he said that Miss Chapman came from a very very fine old family herself

-and she really had a fine brain. So Dorothy said, “If she really has got such a fine

-brain I bet her fine old family once had an ice man who could not be trusted.” So

-Mr. Spoffard and I did not pay any more attention to Dorothy because Dorothy really

-does not know how to hold a conversation.

-</p>

-<hr class="tb"><p>

-</p>

-<p>So then I and Mr. Spoffard held a conversation all about morals and Mr. Spoffard says

-he really thinks the future of everything is between the hands of Mr. Blank the district

-attorney who is the famous district attorney who is closing up all the places in New

-York where they sell all of the liquor. So Mr. Spoffard said that a few months ago,

-when Mr. Blank decided he would try to get the job to be the district attorney, he

-put 1,000 dollars worth of liquor down his sink. So now Mr. Blank says that everybody

-else has got to put it down their sink. So Dorothy spoke up, and Dorothy said, “If

-he poured 1,000 dollars worth down his sink to get himself one million dollars worth

-of publicity and a good job—when we pour it down <span class="pageNum" id="pb143">[<a href="#pb143">143</a>]</span>our sink, what do we get?” But Mr. Spoffard is <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> brainy a gentleman to answer any such a foolish question. So he gave Dorothy a look

-that was full of dignity and he said he would have to go back to his Mother. So I

-was really quite angry at Dorothy. So I followed Mr. Spoffard down the hall of the

-railway train and I asked Mr. Spoffard if he thought I was wasting quite a lot of

-time reforming a girl like Dorothy. So Mr. Spoffard thinks I am, because he really

-thinks a girl like Dorothy will never have any <span class="sic" title="Correction: reverence">reverance</span>. So I told Mr. Spoffard I had wasted so much time on Dorothy it would really break

-my heart to be a failure. So then I had tears in my eyes. So Mr. Spoffard is really

-very very sympathetic because when he saw that I did not have any handkerchief, he

-took his own handkerchief and he dried up all of my tears. So then he said he would

-help me with Dorothy quite a lot and get her mind to running on things that are more

-educational.

-</p>

-<p>So then he said he thought that we ought to get off the train at a place called Munich

-because it was very full of art, which they call “kunst” in Munich, which is very,

-very <span class="pageNum" id="pb144">[<a href="#pb144">144</a>]</span>educational. So he said he and Dorothy and I would get off of the train in Munich

-because he could send his mother right on to Vienna with Miss Chapman, because every

-place always seems to look alike to his mother anyway. So we are all going to get

-off the train at Munich and I can send Mr. Eisman a telegram when nobody is looking.

-Because I really do not think I will tell Mr. Spoffard about Mr. Eisman, because,

-after all, their religions are different and when two gentlemen have such different

-religions they do not seem to have so much to get congeneal about. So I can telegraph

-Mr. Eisman that Dorothy and I thought we would get off the train at Munich to look

-at all of the art.

-</p>

-<p>So then I went back to Dorothy and I told Dorothy if she did not have anything to

-say in the future to not say it. Because even if Mr. Spoffard is a fine old family

-and even if he is very Prespyterian, I and he could really be friendly after all and

-talk together quite a lot. I mean Mr. Spoffard likes to talk about himself quite a

-lot, so I said to Dorothy it really shows that, after all, he is just like any other

-gentleman. But Dorothy said she would demand more proof than that. <span class="pageNum" id="pb145">[<a href="#pb145">145</a>]</span>So Dorothy says she thinks that maybe I might become quite friendly with Mr. Spoffard

-and especially with his mother because she thinks his mother and I have quite a lot

-that is common, but she says, if I ever bump into Miss Chapman, she thinks I will

-come to a kropper because Dorothy saw Miss Chapman when she was at luncheon and Dorothy

-says Miss Chapman is the kind of a girl that wears a collar and a tie even when she

-is not on horseback. And Dorothy said it was the look that Miss Chapman gave her at

-luncheon that really gave her the idea about the ice man. So Dorothy says she thinks

-Miss Chapman has got 3 thirds of the brains of that trio of Geegans, because Geegans

-is the slang word that Dorothy has thought up to use on people who are society people.

-Because Dorothy says she thinks any gentleman with Mr. <span class="sic" title="Correction: Spoffard’s">Spoffards</span> brains had ought to spend his time putting nickels into an electric piano, but I

-did not even bother to talk back at such a girl as Dorothy. So now we must get ready

-to get off the train when the train gets to Munich so that we can look at all of the

-kunst in Munich.

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb146">[<a href="#pb146">146</a>]</span></p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>May 19th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Well yesterday Mr. Spoffard and I and Dorothy got off the train at Munich to see all

-of the kunst in Munich, but you only call it Munich when you are on the train because

-as soon as you get off of the train they seem to call it Munchen. So you really would

-know that Munchen was full of kunst because in case you would not know it, they have

-painted the word “kunst” in large size black letters on everything in Munchen, and

-you can not even see a boot black’s stand in Munchen that is not full of kunst.

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure p147width"><img src="images/p147.jpg" alt="“The Germans stand in the lobby of the theatre and eat quite a lot of Bermudian onions and garlick sausage.”" width="370" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>The Germans stand in the lobby of the theatre and eat quite a lot of Bermudian onions

-and garlick sausage.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p>So Mr. Spoffard said that we really ought to go to the theater in Munchen because

-even the theater in Munchen was full of kunst. So we looked at all of the bills of

-all of the theaters, with the aid of quite an <span class="sic" title="Correction: intellectual">intelectual</span> hotel clerk who seemed to be able to read it and tell us what it said, because it

-really meant nothing to us. So it seems they were playing Kiki in Munchen, so I said,

-let us go and see Kiki because we have seen Lenore Ulric in New York and we would

-really know what it is all about even if they do not seem to talk the English <span class="sic" title="Correction: language">landguage</span>. So then we went to the Kunst theater. So it seems <span class="pageNum" id="pb148">[<a href="#pb148">148</a>]</span>that Munchen is practically full of Germans and the lobby of the Kunst theater was

-really full of Germans who stand in the lobby and drink beer and eat quite a lot of

-Bermudian onions and garlick sausage and hard boiled eggs and beer before all of the

-acts. So I really had to ask Mr. Spoffard if he thought we had come to the right theatre

-because the lobby seemed to smell such a lot. I mean when the smell of beer gets to

-be anteek it gets to smell quite a lot. But Mr. Spoffard seemed to think that the

-lobby of the Kunst theatre did not smell any worse than all of the other places in

-Munich. So then Dorothy spoke up and Dorothy said “You can say what you want about

-the Germans being full of ‘kunst,’ but what they are really full of is delicatessen.”

-</p>

-<p>So then we went into the Kunst theater. But the Kunst theater does not seem to smell

-so good as the lobby of the Kunst theater. And the Kunst theater seems to be decorated

-with quite a lot of what tripe would look like if it was pasted on the wall and gilded.

-Only you could not really see the gilding because it was covered with quite a lot

-of dust. So Dorothy looked around and Dorothy said, if <span class="pageNum" id="pb149">[<a href="#pb149">149</a>]</span>this is “kunst,” the art center of the world is Union Hill New Jersey.

-</p>

-<p>So then they started in to playing Kiki but it seems that it was not the same kind

-of a Kiki that we have in America, because it seemed to be all about a family of large

-size German people who seemed to keep getting in each others ways. I mean when a stage

-is completely full of 2 or 3 German people who are quite large size, they really cannot

-help it if they seem to get in each others ways. So then Dorothy got to talking with

-a young gentleman who seemed to be a German gentleman who sat back of her, who she

-thought was applauding. But what he was really doing was he was cracking a hard boiled

-egg on the back of her chair. So he talked English with quite an accent that seemed

-to be quite a German accent. So Dorothy asked him if Kiki had come out on the stage

-yet. So he said no, but she was really a beautiful german actress who came clear from

-Berlin and he said we should really wait until she came out, even if we did not seem

-to understand it. So finally she came out. I mean we knew it was her because Dorothy’s

-German gentleman friend nudged Dorothy with <span class="pageNum" id="pb150">[<a href="#pb150">150</a>]</span>a sausage. So we looked at her, and we looked at her and Dorothy said, “If Schuman

-Heinke still has a grandmother, we have dug her up in Munchen.” So we did not bother

-to see any more of Kiki because Dorothy said she would really have to know more about

-the foundations of that building before she would risk our lives to see Kiki do that

-famous scene where she faints in the last act. Because Dorothy said, if the foundations

-of that building were as anteek as the smell, there was going to be a catasterophy

-when Kiki hit the floor. So even Mr. Spoffard was quite discouradged, but he was really

-glad because he said he was 100 per cent. of an American and it served the Germans

-right for starting such a war against all we Americans.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>May 20th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Well today Mr. Spoffard is going to take me all around to all of the museums in Munchen,

-which are full of kunst that I really ought to look at, but Dorothy said she had been

-punished for all of her sins last night, so now she is going to begin life all over

-again by going out with her German gentleman friend, who is going to take her to a

-house <span class="pageNum" id="pb151">[<a href="#pb151">151</a>]</span>called the Half Brow house which is the worlds largest size of a Beer Hall. So Dorothy

-said I could be a high brow and get full of kunst, but she is <span class="sic" title="Correction: satisfied">satisfide</span> to be a Half brow and get full of beer. But Dorothy will really never be full of

-anything else but unrefinement.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>May 21st</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Well Mr. Spoffard and I and Dorothy are on the train again and we are all going to

-Vienna. I mean Mr. Spoffard and I spent one whole day going through all of the museums

-in Munchen, but I am really not even going to think about it. Because when something

-terrible happens to me, I always try to be a Christian science and I simply do not

-even think about it, but I deny that it ever happened even if my feet do seem to hurt

-quite a lot. So even Dorothy had quite a hard day in Munchen because her German gentleman

-friend, who is called Rudolf, came for her at 11 oclock to take her to breakfast.

-But Dorothy told him that she had had her breakfast. But her gentleman friend said

-that he had had his first breakfast <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span>, but it was time for his second. So he took Dorothy <span class="pageNum" id="pb152">[<a href="#pb152">152</a>]</span>to the Half Brow house where everybody eats white sausages and pretzels and beer at

-11 oclock. So after they had their white sausages and beer he wanted to take her for

-a ride but they could only go a few blocks because by then it was time for luncheon.

-So they ate quite a lot of luncheon and then he bought her a large size box of chocolates

-that were full of liqueurs, and took her to the matinee. So after the first act Rudolf

-got hungry and they had to go and stand in the lobby and have some <span class="sic" title="Correction: sandwiches">sandwitches</span> and beer. But Dorothy did not enjoy the show very much and so after the second act

-Rudolf said they would leave because it was time for tea anyway. So after quite a

-heavy tea, Rudolph asked her to dinner and Dorothy was <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> overcome to say No. So after dinner they went to a beer garden for beer and pretzels.

-But finally Dorothy began to come to, and she asked him to take her back to the hotel.

-So Rudolf said he would, but they had better have a bite to eat first. So today Dorothy

-really feels just as <span class="sic" title="Correction: discouraged">discouradged</span> as I seem to feel, only Dorothy is not a Christian science and all she can do is

-suffer.

-</p>

-<p>But in spite of all of my Christian science, <span class="pageNum" id="pb153">[<a href="#pb153">153</a>]</span>I am really beginning to feel quite <span class="sic" title="Correction: discouraged">discouradged</span> about Vienna. I mean Mr. Eisman is in Vienna, and I do not see how I can spend quite

-a lot of time with Mr. Eisman and quite a lot of time with Mr. Spoffard and keep them

-from meeting one another. Because Mr. Spoffard might not seem to understand why Mr.

-Eisman seems to spend quite a lot of money to get me educated. And Dorothy keeps trying

-to depress me about Miss Chapman because she says she thinks that when Miss Chapman

-sees I and Mr. Spoffard together she thinks that Miss Chapman will cable for the <span class="sic" title="Correction: family’s">familys</span> favorite lunacy expert. So I have got to be as full of Christian science as I can

-and always hope for the best.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>May 25th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>So far everything has really worked out for the best. Because Mr. Eisman is very very

-busy all day with the button profession, and he tells me to run around with Dorothy

-all day. So I and Mr. Spoffard run around all day. So then I tell Mr. Spoffard that

-I really do not care to go to all of the places that you go to at night, but I will

-go to bed and get ready for tomorrow instead. So then <span class="pageNum" id="pb154">[<a href="#pb154">154</a>]</span>Dorothy and I go to dinner with Mr. Eisman and then we go to a show, and we stay up

-quite late at a cabaret called the Chapeau Rouge and I am able to keep it all up with

-the aid of champagne. So if we keep our eye out for Mr. Spoffard and do not all bump

-into one another when he is out looking at things that we Americans really should

-not look at, it will all work out for the best. I mean I have even stopped Mr. Spoffard

-looking at museums because I tell him that I like nature better, and when you look

-at nature you look at it in a horse and buggy in the park and it is much easier on

-the feet. So now he is beginning to talk about how he would like me to meet his mother,

-so everything really seems for the best after all.

-</p>

-<p>But I have quite a hard time with Mr. Eisman at night. I mean at night Mr. Eisman

-is in quite a state, because every time he makes an engagement about the button factory,

-it is time for all the gentlemen in Vienna to go to the coffee house and sit. Or else

-every time he makes an engagement about the button factory, some Viennese gentleman

-gets the idea to have a <span class="sic" title="Correction: picnic">picknick</span> and they all put on short pants and bare knees and they all put a <span class="pageNum" id="pb155">[<a href="#pb155">155</a>]</span>feather in their hat, and they all walk to the Tyrol. So it really <span class="sic" title="Correction: discourages">discouradges</span> Mr. Eisman quite a lot. But if anyone ought to get <span class="sic" title="Correction: discouraged">discouradged</span> I think that I ought to get <span class="sic" title="Correction: discouraged">discouradged</span> because after all when a girl has had no sleep for a week a girl can not help it

-if she seems to get <span class="sic" title="Correction: discouraged">discouradged</span>.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>May 27th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Well <span class="sic" title="Correction: finally">finaly</span> I broke down and Mr. Spoffard said that he thought a little girl like I, who was

-trying to reform the whole world was trying to do <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> much, especially beginning on a girl like Dorothy. So he said there was a famous

-doctor in Vienna called Dr. Froyd who could stop all of my worrying because he does

-not give a girl medicine but he talks you out of it by psychoanalysis. So yesterday

-he took me to Dr. Froyd. So Dr. Froyd and I had quite a long talk in the english <span class="sic" title="Correction: language">landguage</span>. So it seems that everybody seems to have a thing called inhibitions, which is when

-you want to do a thing and you do not do it. So then you dream about it instead. So

-Dr. Froyd asked me, what I seemed to dream about. So I told him that I never really

-dream about anything. I mean <span class="pageNum" id="pb156">[<a href="#pb156">156</a>]</span>I use my brains so much in the day time that at night they do not seem to do anything

-else but rest. So Dr. Froyd was very very <span class="sic" title="Correction: surprised">surprized</span> at a girl who did not dream about anything. So then he asked me all about my life.

-I mean he is very very sympathetic, and he seems to know how to draw a girl out quite

-a lot. I mean I told him things that I really would not even put in my diary. So then

-he seemed very very <span class="sic" title="Correction: intrigued">intreeged</span> at a girl who always seemed to do everything she wanted to do. So he asked me if

-I really never wanted to do a thing that I did not do. For instance did I ever want

-to do a thing that was really <span class="sic" title="Correction: violent">vialent</span>, for instance, did I ever want to shoot someone for instance. So then I said I had,

-but the bullet only went in Mr. Jennings lung and came right out again. So then Dr.

-Froyd looked at me and looked at me and he said he did not really think it was possible.

-So then he called in his assistance and he pointed at me and talked to his assistance

-quite a lot in the Viennese <span class="sic" title="Correction: language">landguage</span>. So then his assistance looked at me and looked at me and it really seems as if I

-was quite a famous case. So then Dr. Froyd said that all <span class="pageNum" id="pb158">[<a href="#pb158">158</a>]</span>I needed was to cultivate a few inhibitions and get some sleep.

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure p157width"><img src="images/p157.jpg" alt="“Dr. Froyd seemed to think that I was quite a famous case.”" width="370" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>Dr. Froyd seemed to think that I was quite a famous case.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>May 29th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Things are really getting to be quite a strain. Because yesterday Mr. Spoffard and

-Mr. Eisman were both in the lobby of the Bristol hotel and I had to pretend not to

-see both of them. I mean it is quite an easy thing to pretend not to see one gentleman,

-but it is a quite hard thing to pretend not to see two gentlemen. So something has

-really got to happen soon, or I will have to admit that things seem to be happening

-that are not for the best.

-</p>

-<p>So this afternoon Dorothy and I had an engagement to meet Count Salm for tea at four

-o’clock, only you do not call it tea at Vienna but you seem to call it “yowzer” and

-you do not drink tea at Vienna but you drink coffee instead. I mean it is quite unusual

-to see all of the gentlemen at Vienna stop work, to go to yowzer about one hour after

-they have all finished their luncheon, but time really does not seem to mean so much

-to Viennese gentlemen except time to get to the coffee house, which they all seem

-to know by <span class="pageNum" id="pb159">[<a href="#pb159">159</a>]</span>instincts, or else they really do not seem to mind if they make a mistake and get

-there <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> early. Because Mr. Eisman says that when it is time to attend to the button profession,

-they really seem to lose all of their interest until Mr. Eisman is getting so nervous

-he could scream.

-</p>

-<p>So we went to Deimels and met Count Salm. But while we were having yowzer with Count

-Salm, we saw Mr. Spoffard’s mother come in with her companion<span class="sic" title="Correction: ,"></span> Miss Chapman, and Miss Chapman seemed to look at me quite a lot and talk to Mr. Spoffards

-mother about me quite a lot. So I became quite nervous, because I really wished that

-we were not with Count Salm. I mean it has been quite a hard thing to make Mr. Spoffard

-think that I am trying to reform Dorothy, but if I had to try to make him think that

-I was trying to reform Count Salm, he might begin to think that there is a limit to

-almost everything. So Mr. <span class="sic" title="Correction: Spoffard’s">Spoffards</span> mother seems to be deaf, because she seems to use an ear trumpet and I really could

-not help over hearing quite a lot of words that Miss Chapman was using on me, even

-if it is not such good <span class="sic" title="Correction: etiquette">etiquet</span> to overhear people. So Miss <span class="pageNum" id="pb160">[<a href="#pb160">160</a>]</span>Chapman seemed to be telling Mr. Spoffards mother that I was a “creature,” and she

-seemed to be telling her that I was the real reason why her son seemed to be so full

-of nothing but neglect lately. So then Mr. Spoffards mother looked at me and looked

-at me, even if it was not such good etiquet to look at a person. And Miss Chapman

-kept right on talking to Mr. Spoffards mother and I heard her mention Willie Gwynn

-and I think that Miss Chapman has been making some inquiries about me and I really

-think that she has heard about the time when all of the family of Willie Gwynn had

-quite a long talk with me and persuaded me not to marry Willie Gwynn for $10,000.

-So I really wish Mr. Spoffard would introduce me to his mother before she gets to

-be full of quite a lot of prejudice. Because one thing seems to be piling up on top

-of another thing, until I am almost on the verge of getting nervous and I have not

-had any time yet to do what Dr. Froyd said a girl ought to do.

-</p>

-<p>So tonight I am going to tell Mr. Eisman that I have got to go to bed early, so then

-I can take quite a long ride with Mr. Spoffard and look at nature, and he may say

-something <span class="pageNum" id="pb161">[<a href="#pb161">161</a>]</span>definite, because nothing makes gentlemen get so definite as looking at nature when

-it is moonlight.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>May 30th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Well last night Mr. Spoffard and I took quite a long ride in the park, but they do

-not call it a park in the Viennese <span class="sic" title="Correction: language">landguage</span> but they call it the Prater. So a prater is really <span class="sic" title="Correction: divine">devine</span> because it is just like Coney Island but at the same time it is in the woods and

-it is practically full of trees and it has quite a long road for people to take rides

-on in a horse and buggy. So I found out that Miss Chapman had been talking against

-me quite a lot. So it seems that she has been making inquiries about me, and I was

-really surprised to hear all of the things that Miss Chapman seemed to find out about

-me except that she did not find out about Mr. Eisman educating me. So then I had to

-tell Mr. Spoffard that I was not always so reformed as I am now, because the world

-was full of gentlemen who were nothing but wolfs in sheeps clothes, that did nothing

-but take <span class="sic" title="Correction: advantage">advantadge</span> of all we girls. So I really cried quite a lot. So then I told him how I was just

-a little girl from <span class="pageNum" id="pb162">[<a href="#pb162">162</a>]</span>Little Rock when I first left Little Rock and by that time even Mr. Spoffard had tears

-in his eyes. So I told him how I came from a very very good family because papa was

-very <span class="sic" title="Correction: intellectual">intelectual</span>, and he was a very very prominent Elk, and everybody always said that he was a very

-<span class="sic" title="Correction: intellectual">intelectual</span> Elk. So I told Mr. Spoffard that when I left Little Rock I thought that all of the

-gentlemen did not want to do anything but protect we girls and by the time I found

-out that they did not want to protect us so much, it was <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> late. So then he cried quite a lot. So then I told him how I <span class="sic" title="Correction: finally">finaly</span> got reformed by reading all about him in the newspapers and when I saw him in the

-oriental express it really seemed to be nothing but the result of fate. So I told

-Mr. Spoffard that I thought a girl was really more reformed if she knew what it was

-to be unreformed than if she was born reformed and never really knew that was the

-matter with her. So then Mr. Spoffard reached over and he kissed me on the forehead

-in a way that was full of <span class="sic" title="Correction: reverence">reverance</span> and he said I seemed to remind him quite a lot of a girl who got quite a write-up

-in the bible who was called Magdellen. So then he said that he used to be a <span class="pageNum" id="pb163">[<a href="#pb163">163</a>]</span>member of the choir himself, so who was he to cast the first rock at a girl like I.

-</p>

-<p>So we rode around in the Prater until it was quite late and it really was <span class="sic" title="Correction: divine">devine</span> because it was moonlight and we talked quite a lot about morals, and all the bands

-in the prater were all playing in the <span class="sic" title="Correction: distance">distants</span> “Mama love Papa”. Because “Mama love Papa” has just reached Vienna and they all seem

-to be crazy about “Mama love Papa” even if it is not so new in America. So then he

-took me home to the hotel.

-</p>

-<p>So everything always works out for the best, because this morning Mr. Spoffard called

-up and told me he wanted me to meet his mother. So I told him I would like to have

-luncheon alone with his mother because we could have quite a little tatatate if there

-was only two of us. So I told him to bring his mother to our room for luncheon because

-I thought that Miss Chapman could not walk into our room and spoil everything.

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure p164width"><img src="images/p164.jpg" alt="“I told Mr. Spoffard’s mother that I did not seem to like all of the flappers we seem to have nowadays.”" width="538" height="273"><p class="figureHead">“<i>I told Mr. Spoffard’s mother that I did not seem to like all of the flappers we seem

-to have nowadays.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p>So he brought his mother down to our sitting room and I put on quite a simple little

-organdy gown that I had ripped all of the trimming off of, and I had a pair of black

-lace mitts that Dorothy used to wear in the <span class="pageNum" id="pb164">[<a href="#pb164">164</a>]</span>Follies and I had a pair of shoes that did not have any heels on them. So when he

-introduced us to each other I dropped her a <span class="sic" title="Correction: curtsey">courtesy</span> because I always think it is quite quaint when a girl drops quite a lot of <span class="sic" title="Correction: curtsies">courtesys</span>. So then he left us alone and we had quite a little talk and I told her that I did

-not seem to like all of the flappers that we seem to have nowadays, because I was

-brought up to be more old fashioned. So then Mr. <span class="sic" title="Correction: Spoffard’s">Spoffards</span> mother told me that Miss Chapman said that she had heard that I was not so old fashioned.

-But I told her that I was so old fashioned that I was always full of respect for all

-of my elders and I would not dare to tell them everything they ought <span class="pageNum" id="pb165">[<a href="#pb165">165</a>]</span>to do, like Miss Chapman seems to tell her everything she ought to do, for instants.

-</p>

-<p>So then I ordered luncheon and I thought some champagne would make her feel quite

-good for luncheon so I asked her if she liked champagne. So she really likes champagne

-very very much but Miss Chapman thinks it is not so nice for a person to drink liquor.

-But I told her that I was a Christian science, and all of we Christian science seem

-to believe that there can not really be any harm in anything, so how can there be

-any harm in a small size bottle of champagne? So she never seemed to look at it in

-that kind of a light before, because she said that Miss Chapman believed in Christian

-science also, but what Miss Chapman believed about things that were good for you to

-drink seemed to apply more towards water. So then we had luncheon and she began to

-feel very very good. So I thought that we had better have another bottle of champagne

-because I told her that I was such an ardent Christian science that I did not even

-believe there could be any harm in two bottles of champagne. So we had another bottle

-of champagne and she became very intreeged about Christian science because <span class="pageNum" id="pb166">[<a href="#pb166">166</a>]</span>she said that she really thought it was a better religion than <span class="sic" title="Correction: Presbyterians">Prespyterians</span>. So she said Miss Chapman used to try to get her to use it on things, but Miss Chapman

-never seemed to have such a large size grasp of the Christian science religion as

-I seem to have.

-</p>

-<p>So then I told her that I thought Miss Chapman was jealous of her good looks. So then

-she said that that was true, because Miss Chapman would always make her wear hats

-that were made out of black horses hair because horses hair does not weigh so much

-on a persons brain. So I told her I was going to give her one of my hats that has

-got quite large size roses on it. So then I got it out, but we could not get it on

-her head because hats are quite small on account of hair being bobbed. So I thought

-I would get the <span class="sic" title="Correction: scissors">sissors</span> and bob her head, but then I thought I had done enough to her for one day.

-</p>

-<p>So Henry’s mother said that I was really the most sunshine that she ever had in all

-her life and when Henry came back to take his Mother up to her room, she did not want

-to go. But after he got her away he called me up on the telephone and he was <span class="sic" title="Correction: quite">qiute</span> excited and he said he wanted to ask me something <span class="pageNum" id="pb167">[<a href="#pb167">167</a>]</span>that was very very important. So I said I would see him tonight.

-</p>

-<p>But now I have got to see Mr. Eisman because I have an idea about doing something

-that is really very very important that has got to be done at once.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>May 31st</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Well I and Dorothy and Mr. Eisman are on a train going to a place called Buda Pest.

-So I did not see Henry again before I left, but I left him a letter. Because I thought

-it would be a quite good thing if what he wanted to ask me he would have to write

-down, instead of asking me, and he could not write it to me if I was in the same city

-that he is in. So I told him in my letter that I had to leave in five minute’s time

-because I found out that Dorothy was just on the verge of getting very unreformed,

-and if I did not get her away, all I had done for her would really go for nothing.

-So I told him to write down what he had to say to me, and mail it to me at the Ritz

-hotel in Buda Pest. Because I always seem to believe in the old <span class="sic" title="Correction: adage">addage</span>, Say it in writing.

-</p>

-<p>So it was really very easy to get Mr. Eisman <span class="pageNum" id="pb168">[<a href="#pb168">168</a>]</span>to leave Vienna, because yesterday he went out to see the button factory but it seems

-that all of the people at the button factory were not at work but they were giving

-a birthday party to some saint. So it seems that every time some saint has a birthday

-they all stop work so they can give it a birthday party. So Mr. Eisman looked at their

-calendar, and found out that some saint or other was born practically every week in

-the year. So he has decided that America is good enough for him.

-</p>

-<p>So Henry will not be able to follow me to Buda Pest because his mother is having treatments

-by Dr. Froyd and she seems to be a much more difficult case than I seem to be. I mean

-it is quite hard for Dr. Froyd, because she cannot seem to remember which is a dream

-and which really happened to her. So she tells him everything, and he has to use his

-judgement. I mean when she tells him that a very very handsome young gentleman tried

-to flirt with her on Fifth Avenue, he uses his judgement.

-</p>

-<p>So we will soon be at a Ritz hotel again and I must say it will be delightful to find

-a Ritz hotel right in the central of Europe.

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb169">[<a href="#pb169">169</a>]</span></p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>June 1st</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Well yesterday <span class="sic" title="Correction: Henry’s">Henrys</span> letter came and it says in black and white that he and his mother have never met

-such a girl as I and he wants me to marry him. So I took <span class="sic" title="Correction: Henry’s">Henrys</span> letter to the photographers and I had quite a lot of photographs taken of it because

-a girl might lose <span class="sic" title="Correction: Henry’s">Henrys</span> letter and she would not have anything left to remember him by. But Dorothy says

-to hang on to Henry’s letter, because she really does not think the photographs do

-it justice.

-</p>

-<p>So this afternoon I got a telegram from Henry and the telegram says that Henry’s father

-is very, very ill in New York and they have got to leave for New York immediately

-and his heart is broken not to see me again and to send him my answer by telegraph

-so that his mind will be rested while he is going back to New York. So I sent him

-a telegram and I accepted his proposal. So tonight I got another telegram and Henry

-says that he and his mother are very very happy and <span class="sic" title="Correction: Henry’s">Henrys</span> mother can hardly bear Miss Chapman any more and Henry says he hopes I will decide

-to come right back to New York and keep his mother quite a lot of company, <span class="pageNum" id="pb170">[<a href="#pb170">170</a>]</span>because he thinks I can reform Dorothy more in New York anyway, where there is prohibition

-and nobody can get anything to drink.

-</p>

-<p>So now I have got to make up my mind whether I really want to marry Henry after all.

-Because I know to much to get married to any gentleman like Henry without thinking

-it all over. Because Henry is the kind of a gentleman who gets on a girls nerves quite

-a lot and when a gentleman has nothing else to do but get on a girls nerves, there

-really seems to be a limit to almost everything. Because when a gentleman has a business,

-he has an office and he has to be there, but when a gentlemans business is only looking

-into other peoples business, a gentleman is always on the verge of coming in and out

-of the house. And a girl could not really say that her time was her own. And when

-Henry was not in and out of the house, his mother would always be in and out of the

-house because she seems to think that I am so full of nothing but sunshine. So it

-is quite a problem and I seem to be in quite a quarandary, because it might really

-be better if Henry should happen to decide that he should not get married, and he

-should change his mind, and desert a <span class="pageNum" id="pb171">[<a href="#pb171">171</a>]</span>girl, and then it would only be right if a girl should sue him for a breach of promise.

-</p>

-<p>But I really think, whatever happens, that Dorothy and I had better get back to New

-York. So I will see if Mr. Eisman will send us back. I mean I really do not think

-that Mr. Eisman will mind us going back because if he does, I will start shopping

-again and that always seems to bring him to terms. But all the time I am going back

-to New York, I will have to try to make up my mind one way or another. Because we

-girls really can not help it, if we have ideals, and sometimes my mind seems to get

-to running on things that are romantic, and I seem to think that maybe there is some

-place in the world where there is a gentleman who knows how to look and act like Count

-Salm and who has got money besides. And when a <span class="sic" title="Correction: girl’s">girls</span> mind gets to thinking about such a romantic thing, a girls mind really does not seem

-to know whether to marry Henry or not.

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb175">[<a href="#pb175">175</a>]</span></p>

-</div>

-</div>

-<div id="ch6" class="div1 chapter"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#xd31e299">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divHead">

-<h2 class="label">CHAPTER SIX</h2>

-<h2 class="main">BRAINS ARE REALLY EVERYTHING</h2>

-</div>

-<div class="divBody">

-<p class="first dateentry"><i>June 14th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Well, Dorothy and I arrived at New York yesterday because Mr. Eisman finally decided

-to send us home because he said that all of his button profession would not stand

-the strain of educating me much more in Europe. So we separated from Mr. Eisman in

-Buda Pest because Mr. Eisman had to go to Berlin to look up all of his starving relatives

-in Berlin, who have done nothing but starve since the War, so he wrote me just before

-we sailed and he said that he had dug up all his starving relatives and he had looked

-them all over, and decided not to bring them to America because there was not one

-of his starving relatives who could travel on a railroad ticket without paying excess

-fare for overweight.

-</p>

-<p>So Dorothy and I took the boat and all the way over on the boat I had to make up my

-mind whether I really wanted to marry the famous Henry H. Spoffard, or not, because

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb176">[<a href="#pb176">176</a>]</span>he was waiting for me to arrive at New York and he was so impatient that he could

-hardly wait for me to arrive at New York. But I have not wasted all of my time on

-Henry, even if I do not marry him, because I have some letters from Henry which would

-come in very, very handy if I did not marry Henry. So Dorothy seems to agree with

-me quite a lot, because Dorothy says the only thing she could stand being to Henry,

-would be to be his widow at the age of 18.

-</p>

-<p>So coming over on the boat I decided not to bother to meet any gentleman, because

-what good does it do to meet gentlemen when there is nothing to do on a boat but go

-shopping at a little shop where they do not have any thing that costs more than five

-dollars. And besides if I did meet any gentleman on the boat, he would want to see

-me off the boat, and then we would bump into Henry. But then I heard that there was

-a gentleman on the boat who was quite a dealer in unset diamonds from a town called

-Amsterdam. So I met the gentleman, and we went around together quite a lot, but we

-had quite a quarrel the night before we landed, so I did not even bother to look at

-him when I came down <span class="pageNum" id="pb177">[<a href="#pb177">177</a>]</span>the gangplank, and I put the unset diamonds in my handbag so I did not have to declare

-them at the customs.

-</p>

-<p>So Henry was waiting for me at the customs, because he had come up from Pennsylvania

-to meet me, because their country estate is at Pennsylvania, and Henry’s father is

-very, very ill at Pennsylvania, so Henry has to stay there practically all of the

-time. So all of the reporters were at the customs and they all heard about how Henry

-and I were engaged to one another and they wanted to know what I was before I became

-engaged to Henry, so I told them that I was nothing but a society girl from Little

-Rock, Arkansas. So then I became quite angry with Dorothy because one of the reporters

-asked Dorothy when I made my debut in society at Little Rock and Dorothy said I made

-my debut at the Elks annual street fair and carnival at the age of 15, I mean Dorothy

-never overlooks any chance to be unrefined, even when she is talking to literary gentlemen

-like reporters.

-</p>

-<p>So Henry brought me to the apartment in his Rolls Royce, and while we were coming

-to the apartment he said he wanted to give me my engagement ring and I really became

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb178">[<a href="#pb178">178</a>]</span>all thrills. So he said that he had gone to Cartiers and he had looked over all the

-engagement rings in Cartiers and after he had looked them all over he had decided

-that they were not half good enough for me. So then he took a box out of his pocket

-and I really became <span class="sic" title="Correction: intrigued">intreeged</span>. So then Henry said that when he looked at all of those large size diamonds he really

-felt that they did not have any sentiment, so he was going to give me his class ring

-from Amherst College <span class="sic" title="Correction: instead">insted</span>. So then I looked at him and looked at him, but I am to full of self <span class="sic" title="Correction: control">controle</span> to say anything at this stage of the game, so I said it was really very sweet of

-him to be so full of nothing but sentiment.

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure p178width"><img src="images/p178.jpg" alt="“I told him that it was really very sweet of him to be so full of nothing but sentiment.”" width="541" height="275"><p class="figureHead">“<i>I told him that it was really very sweet of him to be so full of nothing but sentiment.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb179">[<a href="#pb179">179</a>]</span></p>

-<p>So then Henry said that he would have to go back to Pennsylvania to talk to his father

-about us getting married, because his father has really got his heart set on us not

-getting married. So I told Henry that perhaps if I would meet his father, I would

-win him over, because I always seem to win gentlemen over. But Henry says that that

-is just the trouble, because some girl is always winning his father over, and they

-hardly dare to let him go out of their sight, and they hardly dare let him go to church

-alone. Because the last time he went to church alone some girl won him over on the

-street corner and he arrived back home with all of his pocket money gone, and they

-could not believe him when he said that he had put it in the plate, because he has

-not put more than a dime in the plate for the last fifty years.

-</p>

-<p>So it seems that the real reason why his father does not want Henry to marry me, is

-because his father says that Henry always has all of the fun, and every time Henry’s

-father wants to have some fun of his own, Henry always stops him and Henry will not

-even let him be sick at a hospital where he could have some fun of his own, but he

-keeps <span class="pageNum" id="pb180">[<a href="#pb180">180</a>]</span>him at home where he has to have a nurse Henry picked out for him who is a male nurse.

-So all of his objections seem to be nothing but the spirit of <span class="sic" title="Correction: reciprocity">resiprosity</span>. But Henry says that all his objections cannot last much longer because he is nearly

-90 years of age after all, and Nature must take its course sooner or later.

-</p>

-<p>So Dorothy says what a fool I am to waste my time on Henry, when I might manage to

-meet Henry’s father and the whole thing would be over in a few months and I would

-practically own the state of Pennsylvania. But I do not think I ought to take Dorothy’s

-<span class="sic" title="Correction: advice">advise</span> because Henry’s father is watched like a hawk and Henry himself is his Power of Attorney,

-so no good could really come of it after all. And, after all, why should I listen

-to the <span class="sic" title="Correction: advice">advise</span> of a girl like Dorothy who travelled all over Europe and all she came home with was

-a bangle!

-</p>

-<p>So Henry spent the evening at the apartment and then he had to go back to Pennsylvania

-to be there Thursday morning, because every Thursday morning he belongs to a society

-who do nothing but <span class="sic" title="Correction: censure">senshure</span> all of the photoplays. So they cut out all of the <span class="pageNum" id="pb181">[<a href="#pb181">181</a>]</span>pieces out of all the photoplays that show things that are riskay, that people ought

-not to look at. So then they put all of the riskay pieces together and they run them

-over and over again. So it would really be quite a hard thing to drag Henry away from

-one of his Thursday mornings and he can hardly wait from one Thursday morning to another.

-Because he really does not seem to enjoy anything so much as senshuring photoplays

-and after a photoplay has once been senshured he seems to lose all of his interest

-in it.

-</p>

-<p>So after Henry left I held quite a conversation with Lulu, who is my maid who looked

-out for my apartment while I was away. So Lulu really thinks I ought to marry Mr.

-Spoffard after all, because Lulu says that she kept studying Mr. Spoffard all of the

-time she was unpacking my trunks, and Lulu says she is sure that any time I feel as

-if I had to get away from Mr. Spoffard I could just set him down on the floor, and

-give him a packet of riskay french postcards to senshure and stay away as long as

-I like.

-</p>

-<p>So Henry is going to arrange for me to come down to Pennsylvania for a week-end and

-meet all of his family. But if all of <span class="pageNum" id="pb182">[<a href="#pb182">182</a>]</span>Henry’s family are as full of reforms as Henry seems to be, it will be quite an ordeal

-even for a girl like I.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>June 15th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Yesterday morning was quite an ordeal for a refined girl because all of the newspapers

-all printed the story of how Henry and I are engaged to one another, but they all

-seemed to leave out the part about me being a society girl except one newspaper, and

-that was the newspaper that quoted what Dorothy said about me being a debutant at

-the Elk’s Carnival. So I called up Dorothy at the Ritz and I told Dorothy that a girl

-like she ought to keep her mouth closed in the <span class="sic" title="Correction: presence">presents</span> of reporters.

-</p>

-<p>So it seems that quite a lot of reporters kept calling Dorothy up but Dorothy said

-she really did not say anything to any of them except one reporter asked her what

-I used for money and she told him buttons. But Dorothy really should not have said

-such a thing, because quite a few people seem to know that Mr. Eisman is educating

-me and that he is known all over Chicago as Gus Eisman the Button King, so one thing

-might <span class="pageNum" id="pb183">[<a href="#pb183">183</a>]</span>suggest another until people’s minds might begin to think something.

-</p>

-<p>But Dorothy said that she did not say anything more about me being a debutant at Little

-Rock, because after all Dorothy knows that I really did not make any debut in Little

-Rock, because just when it was time to make my debut, my gentleman friend Mr. Jennings

-became shot, and after the trial was over and all of the Jury had let me off, I was

-really much <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> fatigued to make any debut.

-</p>

-<p>So then Dorothy said, why don’t we throw a party now and you can become a debutant

-now and put them all in their place, because it seems that Dorothy is dying for a

-party. So that is really the first sensible suggestion that Dorothy has made yet,

-because I think that every girl who is engaged to a gentleman who has a fine old family

-like Henry, had really ought to be a debutant. So I told her to come right over and

-we would plan my debut but we would keep it very, very quiet and give it tomorrow

-night, because if Henry heard I was making my debut he would come up from Pennsylvania

-and he would practically spoil the party, because all Henry has to do to spoil a party

-is to arrive at it.

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb184">[<a href="#pb184">184</a>]</span></p>

-<p>So Dorothy came over and we planned my debut. So first we decided to have some engraved

-invitations engraved, but it always takes quite a little time to have invitations

-engraved, and it would really be foolish because all of the gentlemen we were going

-to invite to my debut were all members of the Racquet Club, so I could just write

-out a notice that I was having a debut and give it to Willie Gwynn and have Willie

-Gwynn post it on the Racquet Club board.

-</p>

-<p>So Willie Gwynn posted it on the club board and then he called me up and he told me

-that he had never seen so much enthusiasm since the Dempsey-Firpo fight, and he said

-that the whole Racquet Club would be there in a body. So then we had to plan about

-what girls we would ask to my debut. Because I have not seemed to meet so many society

-women yet because of course a girl does not meet society women until her debut is

-all over, and then all the society women all come and call on a debutant. But I know

-practically all of the society men, because practically all of the society men belong

-to the Racquet club, so after I have the Racquet Club at my debut, all I have to do

-to take <span class="pageNum" id="pb185">[<a href="#pb185">185</a>]</span>my real place in society is to meet their mothers and sisters, because I know practically

-all of their sweethearts now.

-</p>

-<p>But I always seem to think that it is delightful to have quite a lot of girls at a

-party, if a girl has quite a lot of gentlemen at a party, and it is quite delightful

-to have all the girls from the Follies, but I really could not invite them because,

-after all, they are not in my set. So then I thought it all over and I thought that

-even if it was not etiquette to invite them to a party, it really would be etiquette

-to hire them to come to a party and be entertainers, and after they were entertainers

-they could mix in to the party and it really would not be a social error.

-</p>

-<p>So then the telephone rang and Dorothy answered it and it seems that it was Joe Sanguinetti,

-who is almost the official bootlegger for the whole Racquet Club, and Joe said he

-had heard about my debut and if he could come to my debut and bring his club which

-is the Silver Spray Social Club of Brooklyn, he would supply all of the liquor and

-he would guarantee to practically run the rum fleet up to the front door.

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb186">[<a href="#pb186">186</a>]</span></p>

-<p>So Dorothy told him he could come, and she hung up the telephone before she told me

-his proposition, and I became quite angry with Dorothy because, after all, the Silver

-Spray Social Club is not even mentioned in the Social Register and it has no place

-at a girl’s debut. But Dorothy said by the time the party got into swing, anyone would

-have to be a genius if he could tell whether he belonged to the Racquet Club, the

-Silver Spray Social Club, or the Knights of Pythias. But I really was almost sorry

-that I asked Dorothy to help plan my debut, except that Dorothy is very good to have

-at a party if the police come in, because Dorothy always knows how to manage the police,

-and I never knew a policeman yet who did not finish up by being madly in love with

-Dorothy. So then Dorothy called up all of the reporters on all of the newspapers and

-invited them all to my debut, so they could see it with their own eyes.

-</p>

-<p>So Dorothy says that she is going to see to it that my debut lands on the front page

-of all of the newspapers, if we have to commit a murder to do it.

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb187">[<a href="#pb187">187</a>]</span></p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>June 19th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Well, it has been three days since my debut party started but I finally got tired

-and left the party last night and went to bed because I always seem to lose all of

-my interest in a party after a few days, but Dorothy never loses her interest in a

-party and when I woke up this morning Dorothy was just saying goodbye to some of the

-guests. I mean Dorothy seems to have quite a lot of vitality, because the last guests

-of the party were guests we picked up when the party went to take a swim at Long Beach

-the day before yesterday, and they were practically fresh, but Dorothy had gone clear

-through the party from beginning to end without even stopping to go to a Turkish bath

-as most of the gentlemen had to do. So my debut has really been very novel, because

-quite a lot of the guests who finished up at my debut were not the same guests that

-started out at it, and it is really quite novel for a girl to have so many different

-kinds of gentlemen at her debut. So it has really been a very great success because

-all of the newspapers have quite a lot of write-ups about my debut and I really felt

-quite proud when I saw the front <span class="pageNum" id="pb188">[<a href="#pb188">188</a>]</span>page of the <i>Daily Views</i> and it said in large size headlines, “LORELEI’S DEBUT A WOW!” And <i>Zits’ Weekly</i> came right out and said that if this party marks my entrance into society, they only

-hope that they can live to see what I will spring once I have overcome my debutant

-reserve and taken my place in the world.

-</p>

-<p>So I really had to apologise to Dorothy about asking Joe Sanguinetti to my debut because

-it was wonderful the way he got all of the liquor to the party and he more than kept

-his word. I mean he had his bootleggers run up from the wharf in taxis, right to the

-apartment, and the only trouble he had was, that once the bootleggers delivered the

-liquor, he could not get them to leave the party. So finally there was quite a little

-quarrel because Willie Gwynn claimed that Joe’s bootleggers were snubbing the members

-of his club because they would not let the boys from the Racquet club sing in their

-quartet. But Joe’s bootleggers said that the Racquet club boys wanted to sing songs

-that were unrefined, while they wanted to sing songs about Mother. So then everybody

-started to take sides, but the girls from the Follies were all <span class="pageNum" id="pb189">[<a href="#pb189">189</a>]</span>with Joe’s bootleggers from the start because practically all we girls were listening

-to them with tears <span class="sic" title="Correction: streaming">steaming</span> from our eyes. So that made the Racquet club jealous and one thing led to another

-until somebody rang for an ambulants and then the police came in.

-</p>

-<p>So Dorothy, as usual, won over all of the police. So it seems that the police all

-have orders from Judge Schultzmeyer, who is the famous judge who tries all of the

-prohibition cases, that any time they break into a party that looks like it was going

-to be a good party, to call him up no matter what time of the day or night it is,

-because Judge Schultzmeyer dearly loves a party. So the Police called up Judge Schultzmeyer

-and he was down in less than no time. So during the party both Joe Sanguinetti and

-Judge Schultzmeyer fell madly in love with Dorothy. So Joe and the Judge had quite

-a little quarrel and the Judge told Joe that if his stuff was fit to drink he would

-set the Law after him and confiscate it, but his stuff was not worth the while of

-any gentleman to confiscate who had any respect for his stomach, and he would not

-lower himself to confiscate it. So along about nine o’clock <span class="pageNum" id="pb190">[<a href="#pb190">190</a>]</span>in the morning Judge Schultzmeyer had to leave the party and go to court to try all

-of the criminals who break all of the laws, so he had to leave Dorothy and Joe together

-and he was very very angry. And I really felt quite sorry for any person who went

-up before Judge Schultzmeyer that morning, because he gave everybody 90 days and was

-back at the party by twelve o’clock. So then he stuck to the party until we were all

-going down to Long Beach to take a swim day before yesterday when he seemed to become

-unconscious, so we dropped him off at a sanitorium in Garden City.

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure floatLeft p190width"><img src="images/p190.jpg" alt="“My debut was the greatest success of the social season.”" width="274" height="534"><p class="figureHead">“<i>My debut was the greatest success of the social season.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p>So my debut party was really the greatest success of the social season, because the

-second night of my debut party was the night <span class="pageNum" id="pb191">[<a href="#pb191">191</a>]</span>when Willie Gwynn’s sister was having a dance at the Gwynn estate on Long Island,

-and Willie Gwynn said that all of the eligible gentlemen in New York were conspicuous

-by their <span class="sic" title="Correction: absence">absents</span> at his sister’s party, because they were all at my party. So it seems as if I am

-really going to be quite a famous hostess if I can just bring my mind to the point

-of being Mrs. Henry Spoffard Jr.

-</p>

-<p>Well Henry called up this morning and Henry said he had finally got his father’s mind

-so that he thought it was safe for me to meet him and he was coming up to get me this

-afternoon so that I can meet his family and see his famous old historical home at

-Pennsylvania. So then he asked about my debut party which some of the Philadelphia

-papers seemed to mention. But I told him that my debut was really not so much planned,

-as it was spontaneous, and I did not have the heart to call him up at a moments notice

-and take him away from his father at such a time for reasons which were nothing but

-social.

-</p>

-<p>So now I am getting ready to visit Henry’s family and I feel as if my whole future

-depends on it. Because if I can not stand <span class="pageNum" id="pb192">[<a href="#pb192">192</a>]</span>Henry’s family any more than I can stand Henry the whole thing will probly come to

-an end in the law court.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>June 21st</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Well, I am now spending the weekend with Henry’s family at his old family mansion

-outside of Philadelphia, and I am beginning to think, after all, that there is something

-else in the world besides family. And I am beginning to think that family life is

-only fit for those who can stand it. For instants, they always seem to get up very

-early in Henry’s family. I mean it really is not so bad to get up early when there

-is something to get up early about, but when a girl gets up early and there is nothing

-to get up early about, it really begins to seem as if there was no sense to it.

-</p>

-<p>So yesterday we all got up early and that was when I met all of Henry’s family, because

-Henry and I motored down to Pennsylvania and everybody was in bed when we arrived

-because it was after nine o’clock. So in the morning Henry’s mother came to my room

-to get me up in time for breakfast because Henry’s mother is very very fond of <span class="pageNum" id="pb193">[<a href="#pb193">193</a>]</span>me, and she always wants to copy all of my gowns and she always loves to look through

-all of my things to see what I have got. So she found a box of liqueur candies that

-are full of liqueurs and she was really very delighted. So I finally got dressed and

-she threw the empty box away and I helped her down stairs to the Dining room.

-</p>

-<p>So Henry was waiting in the dining room with his sister and that was when I met his

-sister. So it seems that Henry’s sister has never been the same since the war, because

-she never had on a man’s collar and a necktie until she drove an <span class="sic" title="Correction: ambulance">ambulants</span> in the war, and now they cannot get her to take them off. Because ever since the

-armistice Henry’s sister seems to have the idea that regular <span class="sic" title="Correction: womens’">womens</span> clothes are <span class="sic" title="Correction: effeminate">effiminate</span>. So Henry’s sister seems to think of nothing but either horses or automobiles and

-when she is not in a garage the only other place she is happy in is a stable. I mean

-she really pays very little attention to all of her family and she seems to pay less

-attention to Henry than anybody else because she seems to have the idea that Henry’s

-brains are not so <span class="sic" title="Correction: virile">viril</span>. So then we all waited for Henry’s father to come in so <span class="pageNum" id="pb194">[<a href="#pb194">194</a>]</span>that he could read the Bible out loud before breakfast.

-</p>

-<p>So then something happened that really was a miracle. Because it seems that Henry’s

-father has practically lived in a wheel chair for months and months and his male nurse

-has to wheel him everywhere. So his male nurse wheeled him into the dining room in

-his wheel chair and then Henry said “Father, this is going to be your little daughter

-in law,” and Henry’s father took one good look at me and got right out of his wheel

-chair and walked! So then everybody was very very surprised, but Henry was not so

-surprised because Henry knows his father like a book. So then they all tried to calm

-his father down, and his father tried to read out of the Bible but he could hardly

-keep his mind on the Bible and he could hardly eat a bite because when a gentleman

-is as feeble as Henry’s father is, he cannot keep one eye on a girl and the other

-eye on his cereal and cream without coming to grief. So Henry finally became quite

-discouradged and he told his father he would have to get back to his room or he would

-have a relapse. So then the male nurse wheeled him back to his room <span class="pageNum" id="pb195">[<a href="#pb195">195</a>]</span>and it really was pathetic because he cried like a baby. So I got to thinking over

-what Dorothy advised me about Henry’s father and I really got to thinking that if

-Henry’s father could only get away from everybody and have some time of his own, Dorothy’s

-<span class="sic" title="Correction: advice">advise</span> might not be so bad after all.

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure p195width"><img src="images/p195.jpg" alt="“Henry’s father cannot keep one eye on a girl and the other on his cereal without coming to grief.”" width="539" height="274"><p class="figureHead">“<i>Henry’s father cannot keep one eye on a girl and the other on his cereal without coming

-to grief.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p>So after breakfast we all got ready to go to church, but Henry’s sister does not go

-to church because Henry’s sister always likes to spend every Sunday in the garage

-taking their Ford farm truck apart and putting it back together again, and Henry says

-that what the war did to a girl like his sister is really worse than the war itself.

-</p>

-<p>So then Henry and his mother and I all went to church. So we came home from <span class="pageNum" id="pb196">[<a href="#pb196">196</a>]</span>church and we had luncheon and it seems that luncheon is practically the same as breakfast

-except that Henry’s father could not come down to luncheon because after he met me

-he contracted such a vialent fever that they had to send for the Doctor.

-</p>

-<p>So in the afternoon Henry went to prayer meeting and I was left alone with Henry’s

-mother so that we could rest up so that we could go to church again after supper.

-So Henry’s mother thinks I am nothing but sunshine and she will hardly let me get

-out of her sight, because she hates to be by herself because, when she is by herself,

-her brains hardly seem to work at all. So she loves to try on all of my hats and she

-loves to tell me how all the boys in the choir can hardly keep their eyes off her.

-So of course a girl has to agree with her, and it is quite difficult to agree with

-a person when you have to do it through an ear trumpet because sooner or later your

-voice has to give out.

-</p>

-<p>So then supper turned out to be practically the same thing as luncheon only by supper

-time all of the novelty seemed to wear off. So then I told Henry that I had to much

-of a headache to go to church again, so Henry <span class="pageNum" id="pb197">[<a href="#pb197">197</a>]</span>and his mother went to church and I went to my room and I sat down and thought and

-I decided that life was really <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> short to spend it in being proud of your family, even if they did have a great deal

-of money. So the best thing for me to do is to think up some scheme to make Henry

-decide not to marry me and take what I can get out of it and be satisfied.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>June 22nd</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Well, yesterday I made Henry put me on the train at Philadelphia and I made him stay

-at Philadelphia so he could be near his father if his father seemed to take any more

-relapses. So I sat in my drawing room on the train and I decided that the time had

-come to get rid of Henry at any cost. So I decided that the thing that <span class="sic" title="Correction: discourages">discouradges</span> gentlemen more than anything else is shopping. Because even Mr. Eisman, who was practically

-born for we girls to shop on, and who knows just what to expect, often gets quite

-<span class="sic" title="Correction: discouraged">discouradged</span> over all of my shopping. So I decided I would get to New York and I would go to Cartiers

-and run up quite a large size bill on Henry’s credit, because after all <span class="pageNum" id="pb198">[<a href="#pb198">198</a>]</span>our engagement has been announced in all of the newspapers, and Henry’s credit is

-really my credit.

-</p>

-<p>So while I was thinking it all over there was a knock on the drawing room door, so

-I told him to come in and it was a gentleman who said he had seen me quite a lot in

-New York and he had always wanted to have an introduction to me, because we had quite

-a lot of friends who were common. So then he gave me his card and his name was on

-his card and it was Mr. Gilbertson Montrose and his profession is a senario writer.

-So then I asked him to sit down and we held a literary conversation.

-</p>

-<p>So I really feel as if yesterday was a turning point in my life, because at last I

-have met a gentleman who is not only an artist but who has got brains besides. I mean

-he is the kind of a gentleman that a girl could sit at his feet and listen to for

-days and days and nearly always learn something or other. Because, after all, there

-is nothing that gives a girl more of a thrill than brains in a gentleman, especially

-after a girl has been spending the week end with Henry. So Mr. Montrose talked and

-talked all of the way to New <span class="pageNum" id="pb199">[<a href="#pb199">199</a>]</span>York and I sat there and did nothing else but listen. So according to Mr. Montrose’s

-opinion <span class="sic" title="Correction: Shakespeare">Shakespear</span> is a very great <span class="sic" title="Correction: playwright">playwrite</span>, and he thinks that Hamlet is quite a famous tragedy and as far as novels are concerned

-he believes that nearly everybody had ought to read Dickens. And when we got on the

-subject of poetry he recited “The Shooting of Dan McGrew” until you could almost hear

-the gun go off.

-</p>

-<p></p>

-<div class="figure p199width"><img src="images/p199.jpg" alt="“When he recited ‘The Shooting of Dan McGrew’ you could almost hear the gun go off.”" width="537" height="275"><p class="figureHead">“<i>When he recited ‘The Shooting of Dan McGrew’ you could almost hear the gun go off.</i>”</p>

-</div><p>

-</p>

-<p>And then I asked Mr. Montrose to tell me all about himself. So it seems that Mr. Montrose

-was on his way home from Washington D. C., where he went to see the Bulgarian Ambassadore

-to see if he could get Bulgaria to finance a senario he has written which is <span class="pageNum" id="pb200">[<a href="#pb200">200</a>]</span>a great historical subject which is founded on the sex life of Dolly Madison. So it

-seems that Mr. Montrose has met quite a lot of Bulgarians in a Bulgarian restaurant

-on Lexington Avenue and that was what gave him the idea to get the money from Bulgaria.

-Because Mr. Montrose said that he could fill his senario full of Bulgarian propoganda,

-and he told the Bulgarian Ambassadore that every time he realised how ignorant all

-of the American film fans were on the subject of Bulgaria, it made him flinch.

-</p>

-<p>So I told Mr. Montrose that it made me feel very very small to talk to a gentleman

-like he, who knew so much about Bulgaria, because practically all I knew about Bulgaria

-was Zoolack. So Mr. Montrose said that the Bulgarian Ambassadore did not seem to think

-that Dolly Madison had so much about her that was pertinent to present day Bulgaria,

-but Mr. Montrose explained to him that that was because he knew practically nothing

-about dramatic construction. Because Mr. Montrose said he could fix his senario so

-that Dolly Madison would have one lover who was a Bulgarian, who wanted to marry her.

-So then Dolly Madison would get to wondering <span class="pageNum" id="pb201">[<a href="#pb201">201</a>]</span>what her great, great grandchildren would be like if she married a Bulgarian, and

-then she could sit down and have a vision of Bulgaria in 1925. So that was when Mr.

-Montrose would take a trip to Bulgaria to photograph the vision. But the Bulgarian

-Ambassadore turned down the whole proposition, but he gave Mr. Montrose quite a large

-size bottle of the Bulgarian national drink. So the Bulgarian national drink looks

-like nothing so much as water, and it really does not taste so strong, but about five

-minutes afterwards you begin to <span class="sic" title="Correction: realize">realise</span> your mistake. But I thought to myself that if realizing my mistake could make me

-forget what I went through in Pennsylvania, I really owed it to myself to forget everything.

-So then we had another drink.

-</p>

-<p>So then Mr. Montrose told me that he had quite a hard time getting along in the motion

-picture profession, because all of his <span class="sic" title="Correction: scenarios">senarios</span> are all over their head. Because when Mr. Montrose writes about sex, it is full of

-<span class="sic" title="Correction: psychology">sychology</span>, but when everybody else writes about it, it is full of nothing but transparent <span class="sic" title="Correction: negligees">negligays</span> and ornamental bath tubs. And Mr. Montrose says that there is no future in the <span class="pageNum" id="pb202">[<a href="#pb202">202</a>]</span>motion pictures until the motion pictures get their sex motives straightened out,

-and realize that a woman of 25 can have just as many sex problems as a flapper of

-16. Because Mr. Montrose likes to write about women of the world, and he refuses to

-have women of the world played by small size girls of 15 who know nothing about life

-and who have not even been in the detention home.

-</p>

-<p>So we both arrived in New York before we realized it, and I got to thinking how the

-same trip with Henry in his Rolls Royce seemed like about 24 hours, and that was what

-gave me the idea that money was not everything, because after all, it is only brains

-that count. So Mr. Montrose took me home and we are going to have luncheon together

-at the Primrose Tea room practically every day and keep right on holding literary

-conversations.

-</p>

-<p>So then I had to figure out how to get rid of Henry and at the same time not do anything

-that would make me any trouble later. So I sent for Dorothy because Dorothy is not

-so good at intreeging a gentleman with money, but she ought to be full of ideas on

-how to get rid of one.

-<span class="pageNum" id="pb203">[<a href="#pb203">203</a>]</span></p>

-<p>So at first Dorothy said, Why didn’t I take a chance and marry Henry because she had

-an idea that if Henry married me he would commit suicide about two weeks later. But

-I told her about my plan to do quite a lot of shopping, and I told her that I would

-send for Henry and I would manage it so that I would not be in the apartment when

-he came, but she could be there and start a conversation with him and she could tell

-him about all of my shopping and how extravagant I seemed to be and he would be in

-the poor house in less than a year if he married me.

-</p>

-<p>So Dorothy said for me to take one farewell look at Henry and leave him to her, because

-the next time I saw him would be in the witness box and I might not even recognize

-him because she would throw a scare into him that might change his whole physical

-appearance. So I decided to leave him in the hands of Dorothy and hope for the best.

-</p>

-<p class="dateentry"><i>July 10th</i>:

-</p>

-<p>Well, last month was really almost a diary in itself, and I have to begin to realize

-that I am one of the kind of girls that things happen <span class="pageNum" id="pb204">[<a href="#pb204">204</a>]</span>to. And I have to admit, after all, that life is really wonderful. Because so much

-has happened in the last few weeks that it almost makes a girl’s brains whirl.

-</p>

-<p>I mean in the first place I went shopping at Cartiers and bought quite a delightful

-square cut emerald and quite a long rope of pearls on Henry’s credit. So then I called

-up Henry on the long distants telephone and told him that I wanted to see him quite

-a lot, so he was very very pleased and he said that he would come right up to New

-York.

-</p>

-<p>So then I told Dorothy to come to the apartment and be there when Henry came, and

-to show Henry what I bought on his credit, and to tell him how extravagant I seem

-to be, and how I seem to keep on getting worse. So I told Dorothy to go as far as

-she liked, so long as she did not insinuate anything against my character, because

-the more spotless my character seems to be, the better things might turn out later.

-So Henry was due at the apartment about 1.20, so I had Lulu get some luncheon for

-he and Dorothy and I told Dorothy to tell him that I <span class="pageNum" id="pb205">[<a href="#pb205">205</a>]</span>had gone out to look at the Russian Crown Jewels that some Russian Grand Duchess or

-other had for sale at the Ritz.

-</p>

-<p>So then I went to the Primrose Tea Room to have luncheon with Mr. Montrose because

-Mr. Montrose loves to tell me of all his plans, and he says that I seem to remind

-him quite a lot of a girl called Madame Recamier who all the <span class="sic" title="Correction: intellectual">intelectual</span> gentlemen used to tell all of their plans to, even when there was a French revolution

-going on all around them.

-</p>

-<p>So Mr. Montrose and I had a delicious luncheon, except that I never seem to notice

-what I am eating when I am with Mr. Montrose because when Mr. Montrose talks a girl

-wants to do nothing but listen. But all of the time I was listening, I was thinking

-about Dorothy and I was worrying for fear Dorothy would go <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> far, and tell Henry something that would not be so good for me afterwards. So finally

-even Mr. Montrose seemed to notice it, and he said “What’s the matter little woman,

-a penny for your thoughts.”

-</p>

-<p>So then I told him everything. So he seemed to think quite a lot and finally he said

-to me “It is really to bad that you feel as <span class="pageNum" id="pb206">[<a href="#pb206">206</a>]</span>if the social life of Mr. Spoffard bored you, because Mr. Spoffard would be ideal

-to finance my senario.” So then Mr. Montrose said that he had been thinking from the

-very first how ideal I would be to play Dolly Madison. So that started me thinking

-and I told Mr. Montrose that I expected to have quite a large size ammount of money

-later on, and I would finance it myself. But Mr. Montrose said that would be to late,

-because all of the motion picture corporations were after it now, and it would be

-snaped up almost immediately.

-</p>

-<p>So then I became almost in a panick, because I suddenly decided that if I married

-Henry and worked in the motion pictures at the same time, society life with Henry

-would not really be so bad. Because if a girl was so busy as all that, it really would

-not seem to matter so much if she had to stand Henry when she was not busy. But then

-I realized what Dorothy was up to, and I told Mr. Montrose that I was almost afraid

-it was to late. So I hurried to the telephone and I called up Dorothy at the apartment

-and I asked her what she had said to Henry. So Dorothy said that she showed him the

-square <span class="pageNum" id="pb207">[<a href="#pb207">207</a>]</span>cut emerald and told him that I bought it as a knick-knack to go with a green dress,

-but I had got a spot on the dress, so I was going to give them both to Lulu. So she

-said she showed him the pearls and she said that after I had bought them, I was sorry

-I did not get pink ones because white ones were so common, so I was going to have

-Lulu unstring them and sew them on a negligay. So then she told him she was rather

-sorry I meant to buy the Russian Crown jewels because she had a feeling they were

-unlucky, but that I had said to her, that if I found out they were, I could toss them

-over my left shoulder into the Hudson river some night when there was a new moon,

-and it would take away the curse.

-</p>

-<p>So then she said that Henry began to get restless. So then she told him she was very

-glad I was going to get married at last because I had had such bad luck, that every

-time I became engaged something seemed to happen to my fiance. So Henry asked her

-what, for instance. So Dorothy said a couple were in the insane asylum, one had shot

-himself for debt, and the county farm was taking care of the remainder. So Henry <span class="pageNum" id="pb208">[<a href="#pb208">208</a>]</span>asked her how they got that way. So Dorothy told him it was nothing but my <span class="sic" title="Correction: extravagance">extravagants</span>, and she told him that she was surprised that he had never heard about it, because

-all I had to do was to take luncheon at the Ritz with some prominent broker and the

-next day the bottom would drop out of the market. And she told him that she did not

-want to insinuate anything, but that I had dined with a very, very prominent German

-the day before German marks started to <span class="sic" title="Correction: collapse">colapse</span>.

-</p>

-<p>So I became almost frantic and I told Dorothy to hold Henry at the apartment until

-I could get up there and explain. So I held the telephone while Dorothy went to see

-if Henry would wait. So Dorothy came back in a minute and she said that the parlor

-was empty, but that if I would hurry down to Broadway no doubt I would see a cloud

-of dust heading towards the Pennsylvania station, and that would be Henry.

-</p>

-<p>So then I went back to Mr. Montrose, and I told him that I must catch Henry at the

-Pennsylvania Station at any cost. And if anyone were to say that we left the Primrose

-tea room in a hurry, they would be putting it <span class="pageNum" id="pb209">[<a href="#pb209">209</a>]</span>quite mildly. So we got to the Pennsylvania station and I just had time to get on

-board the train to Philadelphia and I left Mr. Montrose standing at the train biting

-his finger nails in all of his anxiety. But I called out to him to go to his Hotel

-and I would telephone the result as soon as the train arrived.

-</p>

-<p>So then I went through the train, and there was Henry with a look on his face which

-I shall never forget. So when he saw me he really seemed to shrink to ½ his natural

-size. So I sat down beside him and I told him that I was really ashamed of how he

-acted, and if his love for me could not stand a little test that I and Dorothy had

-thought up, more in the spirit of fun than anything else, I never wanted to speak

-to such a gentleman again. And I told him that if he could not tell the difference

-between a real square cut emerald and one from the ten cent store, that he had ought

-to be ashamed of himself. And I told him that if he thought that every string of white

-beads were pearls, it was no wonder he could make such a mistake in judging the character

-of a girl. So then I began to cry because of all of Henry’s lack <span class="pageNum" id="pb210">[<a href="#pb210">210</a>]</span>of faith. So then he tried to cheer me up but I was <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> hurt to even give him a decent word until we were past Newark. But by the time we

-were past Newark, Henry was crying himself, and it always makes me feel so tender

-hearted to listen to a gentleman cry that I finally forgave him. So, of course, as

-soon as I got home I had to take them back to Cartiers.

-</p>

-<p>So then I explained to Henry how I wanted our life to mean something and I wanted

-to make the World a better place than it seemed to have been yet. And I told him that

-he knew so much about the film profession on account of <span class="sic" title="Correction: censuring">senshuring</span> all of the films that I thought he had ought to go into the film profession. Because

-I told him that a gentleman like he really owed it to the world to make pure films

-so that he could be an example to all of the other film corporations and show the

-world what pure films were like. So Henry became very, very <span class="sic" title="Correction: intrigued">intreeged</span> because he had never thought of the film profession before. So then I told him that

-we could get H. Gilbertson Montrose to write the <span class="sic" title="Correction: scenarios">senarios</span>, and he to <span class="sic" title="Correction: censor">senshure</span> them, and I could act in them and by the time we all got through, they would <span class="pageNum" id="pb211">[<a href="#pb211">211</a>]</span>be a work of art. But they would even be purer than most works of art seem to be.

-So by the time we got to Philadelphia Henry said that he would do it, but he really

-did not think I had ought to act in them. But I told him from what I had seen of society

-women trying to break into the films, I did not believe that it would be so declasée

-if one of them really landed. So I even talked him into that.

-</p>

-<p>So when we got to Henry’s country estate, we told all of Henry’s family and they were

-all delighted. Because it is the first time since the war that Henry’s family have

-had anything definite to put their minds on. I mean Henry’s sister really jumped at

-the idea because she said she would take charge of the studio trucks and keep them

-at a bed-rock figure. So I even promised Henry’s mother that she could act in the

-films. I mean I even believe that we could put in a close-up of her from time to time,

-because after all, nearly every photoplay has to have some comedy relief. And I promised

-Henry’s father that we would wheel him through the studio and let him look at all

-of the actresses and he <span class="pageNum" id="pb212">[<a href="#pb212">212</a>]</span>nearly had another relapse. So then I called up Mr. Montrose and made an appointment

-with him to meet Henry and talk it all over, and Mr. Montrose, said, “Bless you, little

-woman.”

-</p>

-<p>So I am almost beginning to believe it, when everybody says I am nothing but sunshine

-because everybody I come into contract with always seems to become happy. I mean with

-the exception of Mr. Eisman. Because when I got back to New York, I opened all of

-his cablegrams and I realized that he was due to arrive on the <i>Aquitania</i> the very next day. So I met him at the <i>Aquitania</i> and I took him to luncheon at the Ritz and I told him all about everything. So then

-he became very, very depressed because he said that just as soon as he had got me

-all educated, I had to go off and get married. But I told him that he really ought

-to be very proud of me, because in the future, when he would see me at luncheon at

-the Ritz as the wife of the famous Henry H. Spoffard, I would always bow to him, if

-I saw him, and he could point me out to all of his friends and tell them that it was

-he, Gus Eisman himself, who educated me <span class="pageNum" id="pb213">[<a href="#pb213">213</a>]</span>up to my station. So that cheered Mr. Eisman up a lot and I really do not care what

-he says to his friends, because, after all, his friends are not in my set, and whatever

-he says to them will not get around in my circle. So after our luncheon was all over,

-I really think that, even if Mr. Eisman was not so happy, he could not help having

-a sort of a feeling of relief, especially when he thinks of all my shopping.

-</p>

-<p>So after that came my wedding and all of the Society people in New York and Philadelphia

-came to my wedding and they were all so sweet to me, because practically every one

-of them has written a <span class="sic" title="Correction: scenario">senario</span>. And everybody says my wedding was very, very beautiful. I mean even Dorothy said

-it was very beautiful, only Dorothy said she had to concentrate her mind on the massacre

-of the Armenians to keep herself from laughing right out loud in everybody’s face.

-But that only shows that not even Matrimony is sacred to a girl like Dorothy. And

-after the wedding was over, I overheard Dorothy talking to Mr. Montrose and she was

-telling Mr. Montrose that she thought that I would be <span class="pageNum" id="pb214">[<a href="#pb214">214</a>]</span>great in the movies if he would write me a part that only had three expressions, Joy,

-Sorrow, and Indigestion. So I do not really believe that Dorothy is such a true friend

-after all.

-</p>

-<p>So Henry and I did not go on any honeymoon because I told Henry that it really would

-be selfish for us to go off alone together, when all of our activities seemed to need

-us so much. Because, after all, I have to spend quite a lot of time with Mr. Montrose

-going over the senario together because, Mr. Montrose says I am full of nothing so

-much as ideas.

-</p>

-<p>So, in order to give Henry something to do while Mr. Montrose and I are working on

-the senario I got Henry to organize a Welfare League among all of the extra girls

-and get them to tell him all of their problems so he can give them all of his spiritual

-aid. And it has really been a very, very great success, because there is not much

-work going on at the other studios at present so all of the extra girls have nothing

-better to do and they all know that Henry will not give them a job at our studio unless

-they belong. <span class="pageNum" id="pb215">[<a href="#pb215">215</a>]</span>So the worse they tell Henry they have been before they met him, the better he likes

-it and Dorothy says that she was at the studio yesterday and she says that if the

-senarios those extra girls have written around themselves to tell Henry could only

-be screened and gotten past the sensors, the movies would move right up out of their

-infancy.

-</p>

-<p>So Henry says that I have opened up a whole new world for him and he has never been

-so happy in his life. And it really seems as if everyone I know has never been so

-happy in their lives. Because I make Henry let his father come to the studio every

-day because, after all, every studio has to have somebody who seems to be a pest,

-and in our case it might just as well be Henry’s father. So I have given orders to

-all of the electricians not to drop any lights on him, but to let him have a good

-time because, after all, it is the first one he has had. And as far as Henry’s mother

-is concerned, she is having her hair bobbed and her face lifted and getting ready

-to play Carmen because she saw a girl called Madam Calve play it when she was on her

-honeymoon and she has always <span class="pageNum" id="pb216">[<a href="#pb216">216</a>]</span>really felt that she could do it better. So I do not <span class="sic" title="Correction: discourage">discouradge</span> her, but I let her go ahead and enjoy herself. But I am not going to bother to speak

-to the electricians about Henry’s mother. And Henry’s sister has never been so happy

-since the Battle of Verdun, because she has six trucks and 15 horses to look after

-and she says that the motion picture profession is the nearest thing to war that she

-has struck since the Armistice. And even Dorothy is very happy because Dorothy says

-that she has had more laughs this month than Eddie Cantor gets in a year. But when

-it comes to Mr. Montrose, I really believe that he is happier than anybody else, because

-of all of the understanding and sympathy he seems to get out of me.

-</p>

-<p>And so I am very happy myself because, after all, the greatest thing in life is to

-always be making everybody else happy. And so, while everybody is so happy, I really

-think it is a good time to finish my diary because after all, I am <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> busy going over my senarios with Mr. Montrose, to keep up any other kind of literary

-work. And I am so busy bringing sunshine into the life of Henry <span class="pageNum" id="pb217">[<a href="#pb217">217</a>]</span>that I really think, with everything else I seem to acomplish, it is all a girl had

-ought to try to do. And so I really think that I can say good-bye to my diary feeling

-that, after all, everything always turns out for the best.

-</p>

-<p class="trailer xd31e1957">THE END</p>

-</div>

-</div>

-</div>

-<div class="back">

-<div class="div1 cover"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divBody">

-<p class="first"></p>

-<div class="figure backwidth"><img src="images/back.jpg" alt="Original Back Cover." width="469" height="720"></div><p>

-</p>

-</div>

-</div>

-<div class="transcriberNote">

-<h2 class="main">Colophon</h2>

-<h3 class="main">Availability</h3>

-<p class="first">This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions

-whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project

-Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at <a class="seclink xd31e44" title="External link" href="https://www.gutenberg.org/" rel="home">www.gutenberg.org</a>.

-</p>

-<p>This eBook is produced by the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at <a class="seclink xd31e44" title="External link" href="https://www.pgdp.net/">www.pgdp.net</a>.

-</p>

-<h3 class="main">Metadata</h3>

-<table class="colophonMetadata" summary="Metadata">

-<tr>

-<td><b>Title:</b></td>

-<td>“Gentlemen prefer blondes”: the illuminating diary of a professional lady</td>

-<td></td>

-</tr>

-<tr>

-<td><b>Author:</b></td>

-<td>Anita Loos (1889–1981)</td>

-<td><a href="https://viaf.org/viaf/56711909/" class="seclink">Info</a></td>

-</tr>

-<tr>

-<td><b>Illustrator:</b></td>

-<td>Ralph Barton (1891–1931)</td>

-<td><a href="https://viaf.org/viaf/47084514/" class="seclink">Info</a></td>

-</tr>

-<tr>

-<td><b>Language:</b></td>

-<td>English</td>

-<td></td>

-</tr>

-<tr>

-<td><b>Original publication date:</b></td>

-<td>1925</td>

-<td></td>

-</tr>

-</table>

-<h3 class="main">Encoding</h3>

-<p class="first">The numerous spelling mistakes in this work are intentional, and have thus been retained.

-Extra pages that duplicate the chapter headings have been omitted.</p>

-<p>The reference in the copyright notice to <i>Harper’s Bazar</i> is correct. The name of that publication was changed to <i>Harper’s Bazaar</i> in 1930, after the publication of this book.</p>

-<h3 class="main">Revision History</h3>

-<ul>

-<li>2021-11-25 Started.

-</li>

-</ul>

-<h3 class="main">External References</h3>

-<p>This Project Gutenberg eBook contains external references. These links may not work

-for you.</p>

-<h3 class="main">Corrections</h3>

-<p>The following corrections have been applied to the text:</p>

-<table class="correctionTable" summary="Overview of corrections applied to the text.">

-<tr>

-<th>Page</th>

-<th>Source</th>

-<th>Correction</th>

-<th>Edit distance</th>

-</tr>

-<tr>

-<td class="width20"><a class="pageref" href="#xd31e1033">108</a></td>

-<td class="width40 bottom">.</td>

-<td class="width40 bottom">,</td>

-<td class="bottom">1</td>

-</tr>

-<tr>

-<td class="width20"><a class="pageref" href="#xd31e1048">111</a></td>

-<td class="width40 bottom">

-[<i>Not in source</i>]

-</td>

-<td class="width40 bottom">”</td>

-<td class="bottom">1</td>

-</tr>

-<tr>

-<td class="width20"><a class="pageref" href="#xd31e1119">121</a></td>

-<td class="width40 bottom">‘</td>

-<td class="width40 bottom">“</td>

-<td class="bottom">1</td>

-</tr>

-</table>

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+<body>
+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 66829 ***</div>
+<div class="front">
+<div class="div1 cover"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divBody">
+<p class="first"></p>
+<div class="figure cover-imagewidth"><img src="images/cover.jpg" alt="Original Front Cover." width="492" height="720"></div><p>
+</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div class="div1 frenchtitle"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divBody">
+<p class="first xd31e95">“<i>Gentlemen Prefer Blondes</i>”
+</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div class="div1 frontispiece"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divBody">
+<p class="first"></p>
+<div class="figure frontispiecewidth"><img src="images/frontispiece.jpg" alt="“Kissing your hand may make you feel very good but a diamond bracelet lasts forever.”" width="369" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>Kissing your hand may make you feel very good but a diamond bracelet lasts forever.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div class="div1 titlepage"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divBody">
+<p class="first"></p>
+<div class="figure titlepage-imagewidth"><img src="images/titlepage.png" alt="Original Title Page." width="420" height="720"></div><p>
+</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div class="titlePage">
+<div class="docTitle">
+<div class="mainTitle">“<i>Gentlemen Prefer Blondes</i>”</div>
+<div class="subTitle"><i>The Illuminating Diary of a Professional Lady</i></div>
+</div>
+<div class="byline"><i>By</i><br>
+<span class="docAuthor">Anita Loos</span>
+<br>
+<i>Intimately Illustrated by</i><br>
+<span class="docAuthor">RALPH BARTON</span></div>
+<div class="docImprint"><i>NEW YORK</i><br>
+BONI &amp; LIVERIGHT<br>
+<span class="docDate">1925</span></div>
+</div>
+<p></p>
+<div class="div1 copyright"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divBody">
+<p class="first xd31e143"><i>Copyright, 1925, by</i><br>
+<span class="sc">The International Magazine Co., Inc.</span><br>
+(<span class="sc">Harper’s <span class="sic">Bazar</span></span>)
+</p>
+<p class="xd31e143"><i>Copyright, 1925, by</i> <span class="sc">Anita Loos</span>
+</p>
+<p class="xd31e143"><i>Printed in the United States of America</i>
+</p>
+<div class="table">
+<table>
+<tr>
+<td class="cellLeft cellTop">First printing, November, </td>
+<td class="cellRight cellTop">1925</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="cellLeft">Second printing, November, </td>
+<td class="cellRight">1925</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="cellLeft">Third printing, December, </td>
+<td class="cellRight">1925</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="cellLeft">Fourth printing, December, </td>
+<td class="cellRight">1925</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="cellLeft">Fifth printing, January, </td>
+<td class="cellRight">1926</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="cellLeft">Sixth printing, January, </td>
+<td class="cellRight">1926</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="cellLeft">Seventh printing, January, </td>
+<td class="cellRight">1926</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="cellLeft">Eighth printing, February, </td>
+<td class="cellRight">1926</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="cellLeft">Ninth printing, March, </td>
+<td class="cellRight">1926</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="cellLeft">Tenth printing, March, </td>
+<td class="cellRight">1926</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="cellLeft">Eleventh printing, April, </td>
+<td class="cellRight">1926</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="cellLeft cellBottom">Twelfth printing, April, </td>
+<td class="cellRight cellBottom">1926</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div class="div1 dedication"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divBody">
+<p class="first xd31e229">To<br>
+JOHN EMERSON
+</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div id="toc" class="div1 contents"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divHead">
+<h2 class="main">CONTENTS</h2>
+<table class="tocList">
+<tr>
+<td class="tocDivNum">CHAPTER</td>
+<td class="tocDivTitle" colspan="7">
+</td>
+<td class="tocPageNum">PAGE</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tocDivNum">I.</td>
+<td class="tocDivTitle" colspan="7"> <span class="sc"><a href="#ch1" id="xd31e249">Gentlemen Prefer Blondes</a></span> </td>
+<td class="tocPageNum">11</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tocDivNum">II.</td>
+<td class="tocDivTitle" colspan="7"> <span class="sc"><a href="#ch2" id="xd31e259">Fate Keeps on Happening</a></span> </td>
+<td class="tocPageNum">39</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tocDivNum">III.</td>
+<td class="tocDivTitle" colspan="7"> <span class="sc"><a href="#ch3" id="xd31e269">London Is Really Nothing</a></span> </td>
+<td class="tocPageNum">63</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tocDivNum">IV.</td>
+<td class="tocDivTitle" colspan="7"> <span class="sc"><a href="#ch4" id="xd31e279">Paris Is Devine</a></span> </td>
+<td class="tocPageNum">93</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tocDivNum">V.</td>
+<td class="tocDivTitle" colspan="7"> <span class="sc"><a href="#ch5" id="xd31e289">The Central of Europe</a></span> </td>
+<td class="tocPageNum">131</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tocDivNum">VI.</td>
+<td class="tocDivTitle" colspan="7"> <span class="sc"><a href="#ch6" id="xd31e299">Brains Are Really Everything</a></span> </td>
+<td class="tocPageNum">175</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<p><span class="pageNum" id="pb11">[<a href="#pb11">11</a>]</span></p>
+</div>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div class="body">
+<div id="ch1" class="div1 chapter"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#xd31e249">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divHead">
+<h2 class="super">GENTLEMEN<br>
+PREFER BLONDES</h2>
+<h2 class="label">CHAPTER ONE</h2>
+<h2 class="main">GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES</h2>
+</div>
+<div class="divBody">
+<p class="first dateentry"><i>March 16th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>A gentleman friend and I were dining at the Ritz last evening and he said that if
+I took a pencil and a paper and put down all of my thoughts it would make a book.
+This almost made me smile as what it would really make would be a whole row of <span class="sic" title="Correction: encyclopedias">encyclopediacs</span>. I mean I seem to be thinking practically all of the time. I mean it is my favorite
+recreation and sometimes I sit for hours and do not seem to do anything else but think.
+So this gentleman said a girl with brains ought to do something else with them besides
+think. And he said he ought to know brains when he sees them, because he is in the
+senate and he spends quite a great deal of time in Washington, <span class="sic" title="Correction: D.C.">d. c.</span>, and when he comes into <span class="sic" title="Correction: contact">contract</span> with <span class="pageNum" id="pb12">[<a href="#pb12">12</a>]</span>brains he always notices it. So it might have all blown over but this morning he sent
+me a book. And so when my maid brought it to me, I said to her, “Well, Lulu, here
+is another book and we have not read half the ones we have got yet.” But when I opened
+it and saw that it was all a blank I remembered what my gentleman acquaintance said,
+and so then I realized that it was a diary. So here I am writing a book instead of
+reading one.
+</p>
+<p>But now it is the 16th of March and of course it is <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> late to begin with January, but it does not matter as my gentleman friend, Mr. Eisman,
+was in town practically all of January and February, and when he is in town one day
+seems to be practically the same as the next day.
+</p>
+<p>I mean Mr. Eisman is in the wholesale button profession in Chicago and he is the gentleman
+who is known practically all over Chicago as Gus Eisman the Button King. And he is
+the gentleman who is interested in educating me, so of course he is always coming
+down to New York to see how my brains have improved since the last time. But when
+Mr. Eisman is in New York we always seem to do the same thing and if I wrote down
+one <span class="pageNum" id="pb13">[<a href="#pb13">13</a>]</span>day in my diary, all I would have to do would be to put quotation marks for all other
+days. I mean we always seem to have dinner at the Colony and see a show and go to
+the Trocadero and then Mr. Eisman shows me to my apartment. So of course when a gentleman
+is interested in educating a girl, he likes to stay and talk about the topics of the
+day until quite late, so I am quite fatigued the next day and I do not really get
+up until it is time to dress for dinner at the Colony.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure floatRight p013width"><img src="images/p013.jpg" alt="“It would be strange if I turn out to be an authoress.”" width="280" height="537"><p class="figureHead">“<i>It would be strange if I turn out to be an authoress.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>It would be strange if I turn out to be an authoress. I mean at my home near Little
+Rock, Arkansas, my family all wanted me to do something about my music. Because all
+of my friends said I had talent and they all kept after me and kept after me about
+practising. <span class="pageNum" id="pb14">[<a href="#pb14">14</a>]</span>But some way I never seemed to care so much about practising. I mean I simply could
+not sit for hours and hours at a time practising just for the sake of a career. So
+one day I got quite tempermental and threw the old mandolin clear across the room
+and I have really never touched it since. But writing is different because you do
+not have to learn or practise and it is more <span class="sic" title="Correction: temperamental">tempermental</span> because practising seems to take all the <span class="sic" title="Correction: temperament">temperment</span> out of me. So now I really almost have to smile because I have just noticed that
+I have written clear across two pages onto March 18th, so this will do for today and
+tomorrow. And it just shows how tempermental I am when I get started.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>March 19th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well last evening Dorothy called up and Dorothy said she has met a gentleman who gave
+himself an introduction to her in the lobby of the Ritz. So then they went to luncheon
+and tea and dinner and then they went to a show and then they went to the Trocadero.
+So Dorothy said his name was Lord Cooksleigh but what she really calls him is Coocoo.
+So Dorothy said why don’t you <span class="pageNum" id="pb15">[<a href="#pb15">15</a>]</span>and I and Coocoo go to the Follies tonight and bring Gus along if he is in town? So
+then Dorothy and I had quite a little quarrel because every time that Dorothy mentions
+the subject of Mr. Eisman she calls Mr. Eisman by his first name, and she does not
+seem to realize that when a gentleman who is as important as Mr. Eisman, spends quite
+a lot of money educating a girl, it really does not show reverance to call a gentleman
+by his first name. I mean I never even think of calling Mr. Eisman by his first name,
+but if I want to call him anything at all, I call him “Daddy” and I do not even call
+him “Daddy” if a place seems to be public. So I told Dorothy that Mr. Eisman would
+not be in town until day after tomorrow. So then Dorothy and Coocoo came up and we
+went to the Follies.
+</p>
+<p>So this morning Coocoo called up and he wanted me to luncheon at the Ritz. I mean
+these foreigners really have quite a nerve. Just because Coocoo is an Englishman and
+a Lord he thinks a girl can waste hours on him just for a luncheon at the Ritz, when
+all he does is talk about some exposition he went on to a place called Tibet and after
+talking for hours I found out that all they were was a lot <span class="pageNum" id="pb16">[<a href="#pb16">16</a>]</span>of Chinamen. So I will be quite glad to see Mr. Eisman when he gets in. Because he
+always has something quite interesting to talk about, as for instants the last time
+he was here he presented me with quite a beautiful emerald bracelet. So next week
+is my birthday and he always has some delightful surprise on holidays.
+</p>
+<p>I did intend to luncheon at the Ritz with Dorothy today and of course Coocoo had to
+spoil it, as I told him that I could not luncheon with him today, because my brother
+was in town on business and had the mumps, so I really could not leave him alone.
+Because of course if I went to the Ritz now I would bump into Coocoo. But I sometimes
+almost have to smile at my own imagination, because of course I have not got any brother
+and I have not even thought of the mumps for years. I mean it is no wonder that I
+can write.
+</p>
+<p>So the reason I thought I would take luncheon at the Ritz was because Mr. Chaplin
+is at the Ritz and I always like to renew old acquaintances, because I met Mr. Chaplin
+once when we were both working on the same lot in Hollywood and I am sure he would
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb17">[<a href="#pb17">17</a>]</span>remember me. Gentlemen always seem to remember blondes. I mean the only career I would
+like to be besides an authoress is a cinema star and I was doing quite well in the
+cinema when Mr. Eisman made me give it all up. Because of course when a gentleman
+takes such a friendly interest in educating a girl as Mr. Eisman does, you like to
+show that you appreciate it, and he is against a girl being in the cinema because
+his mother is authrodox.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>March 20th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Mr. Eisman gets in tomorrow to be here in time for my birthday. So I thought it would
+really be delightful to have at least one good time before Mr. Eisman got in, so last
+evening I had some literary gentlemen in to spend the evening because Mr. Eisman always
+likes me to have literary people in and out of the apartment. I mean he is quite anxious
+for a girl to improve her mind and his greatest interest in me is because I always
+seem to want to improve my mind and not waste any time. And Mr. Eisman likes me to
+have what the French people call a “salo” which means that people all get together
+in <span class="pageNum" id="pb18">[<a href="#pb18">18</a>]</span>the evening and improve their minds. So I invited all of the brainy gentlemen I could
+think up. So I thought up a gentleman who is the proffessor of all of the economics
+up at Columbia College, and the editor who is the famous editor of the New York Transcript
+and another gentleman who is a famous playright who writes very, very famous plays
+that are all about Life. I mean anybody would recognize his name but it always seems
+to slip my memory because all of we real friends of his only call him Sam. So Sam
+asked if he could bring a gentleman who writes novels from England, so I said yes,
+so he brought him. And then we all got together and I called up Gloria and Dorothy
+and the gentleman brought their own liquor. So of course the place was a wreck this
+morning and Lulu and I worked like proverbial dogs to get it cleaned up, but Heaven
+knows how long it will take to get the chandelier fixed.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>March 22nd</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well my birthday has come and gone but it was really quite depressing. I mean it seems
+to me a gentleman who has a friendly interest in educating a girl like Gus Eisman,
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb19">[<a href="#pb19">19</a>]</span>would want her to have the biggest square cut diamond in New York. I mean I must say
+I was quite disappointed when he came to the apartment with a little thing you could
+hardly see. So I told him I thought it was quite cute, but I had quite a headache
+and I had better stay in a dark room all day and I told him I would see him the next
+day, perhaps. Because even Lulu thought it was quite small and she said, if she was
+I, she really would do something definite and she said she always believed in the
+old addage, “Leave them while you’re looking good.” But he came in at dinner time
+with really a very very beautiful bracelet of square cut diamonds so I was quite cheered
+up. So then we had dinner at the Colony and we went to a show and supper at the Trocadero
+as usual whenever he is in town. But I will give him credit that he realized how small
+it was. I mean he kept talking about how bad business was and the button profession
+was full of bolshevicks who make nothing but trouble. Because Mr. Eisman feels that
+the country is really on the verge of the bolshevicks and I become quite worried.
+I mean if the bolshevicks do get in, there is only one gentleman who could handle
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb20">[<a href="#pb20">20</a>]</span>them and that is Mr. D.&nbsp;W. Griffith. Because I will never forget when Mr. Griffith
+was directing Intolerance. I mean it was my last cinema just before Mr. Eisman made
+me give up my career and I was playing one of the girls that fainted at the battle
+when all of the gentlemen fell off the tower. And when I saw how Mr. Griffith handled
+all of those mobs in Intolerance I realized that he could do anything, and I really
+think that the government of America ought to tell Mr. Griffith to get all ready if
+the bolshevicks start to do it.
+</p>
+<p>Well I forgot to mention that the English gentleman who writes novels seems to have
+taken quite an interest in me, as soon as he found out that I was literary. I mean
+he has called up every day and I went to tea twice with him. So he has sent me a whole
+complete set of books for my birthday by a gentleman called Mr. Conrad. They all seem
+to be about ocean travel although I have not had time to more than glance through
+them. I have always liked novels about ocean travel ever since I posed for Mr. Christie
+for the front cover of a novel about ocean travel by McGrath because I always say
+that a girl <span class="pageNum" id="pb21">[<a href="#pb21">21</a>]</span>never really looks as well as she does on board a steamship, or even a yacht.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p021width"><img src="images/p021.jpg" alt="“He sent me a set of books by a gentleman called Mr. Conrad. They all seem to be about ocean travel.”" width="542" height="275"><p class="figureHead">“<i>He sent me a set of books by a gentleman called Mr. Conrad. They all seem to be about
+ocean travel.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>So the English gentleman’s name is Mr. Gerald Lamson as those who have read his novels
+would know. And he also sent me some of his own novels and they all seem to be about
+middle age English gentlemen who live in the country over in London and seem to ride
+bicycles, which seems quite different from America, except at Palm Beach. So I told
+Mr. Lamson how I write down all of my thoughts and he said he knew I had something
+to me from the first minute he saw me and when we become better acquainted I am going
+to let him read my diary. I mean I even <span class="pageNum" id="pb22">[<a href="#pb22">22</a>]</span>told Mr. Eisman about him and he is quite pleased. Because of course Mr. Lamson is
+quite famous and it seems Mr. Eisman has read all of his novels going to and fro on
+the trains and Mr. Eisman is always anxious to meet famous people and take them to
+the Ritz to dinner on Saturday night. But of course I did not tell Mr. Eisman that
+I am really getting quite a little crush on Mr. Lamson, which I really believe I am,
+but Mr. Eisman thinks my interest in him is more literary.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p022width"><img src="images/p022.jpg" alt="“I am really getting quite a little crush on Mr. Lamson but Mr. Eisman thinks my interest in him is more literary.”" width="541" height="274"><p class="figureHead">“<i>I am really getting quite a little crush on Mr. Lamson but Mr. Eisman thinks my interest
+in him is more literary.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>March 30th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>At last Mr. Eisman has left on the 20th Century and I must say I am quite fatigued
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb23">[<a href="#pb23">23</a>]</span>and a little rest will be quite welcome. I mean I do not mind staying out late every
+night if I dance, but Mr. Eisman is really not such a good dancer so most of the time
+we just sit and drink some champagne or have a bite to eat and of course I do not
+dance with anyone else when I am out with Mr. Eisman. But Mr. Eisman and Gerry, as
+Mr. Lamson wants me to call him, became quite good friends and we had several evenings,
+all three together. So now that Mr. Eisman is out of town at last, Gerry and I are
+going out together this evening and Gerry said not to dress up, because Gerry seems
+to like me more for my soul. So I really had to tell Gerry that if all the gentlemen
+were like he seems to be, Madame Frances’ whole dress making establishment would have
+to go out of business. But Gerry does not like a girl to be nothing else but a doll,
+but he likes her to bring in her husband’s slippers every evening and make him forget
+what he has gone through.
+</p>
+<p>But before Mr. Eisman went to Chicago he told me that he is going to Paris this summer
+on professional business and I think he intends to present me with a trip to Paris
+as <span class="pageNum" id="pb24">[<a href="#pb24">24</a>]</span>he says there is nothing so educational as traveling. I mean it did worlds of good
+to Dorothy when she went abroad last spring and I never get tired of hearing her telling
+how the merry-go-rounds in Paris have pigs instead of horses. But I really do not
+know whether to be thrilled or not because, of course, if I go to Paris I will have
+to leave Gerry and both Gerry and I have made up our minds not to be separated from
+one another from now on.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>March 31st</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Last night Gerry and I had dinner at quite a quaint place where we had roast beef
+and baked potato. I mean he always wants me to have food which is what he calls “nourishing”
+which most gentlemen never seem to think about. So then we took a hansom cab and drove
+for hours around the park because Gerry said the air would be good for me. It is really
+very sweet to have some one think of all those things that gentlemen hardly ever seem
+to think about. So then we talked quite a lot. I mean Gerry knows how to draw a girl
+out and I told him things that I really would not even put in my diary. So when <span class="pageNum" id="pb25">[<a href="#pb25">25</a>]</span>he heard all about my life he became quite depressed and we both had tears in our
+eyes. Because he said he never dreamed a girl could go through so much as I, and come
+out so sweet and not made bitter by it all. I mean Gerry thinks that most gentlemen
+are brutes and hardly ever think about a girl’s soul.
+</p>
+<p>So it seems that Gerry has had quite a lot of trouble himself and he can not even
+get married on account of his wife. He and she have never been in love with each other
+but she was a suffragette and asked him to marry her, so what could he do? So we rode
+all around the park until quite late talking and philosophizing quite a lot and I
+finally told him that I thought, after all, that bird life was the highest form of
+civilization. So Gerry calls me his little thinker and I really would not be surprised
+if all of my thoughts will give him quite a few ideas for his novels. Because Gerry
+says he has never seen a girl of my personal appearance with so many brains. And he
+had almost given up looking for his ideal when our paths seemed to cross each other
+and I told him I really thought a thing like that was nearly always the result of
+fate.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb26">[<a href="#pb26">26</a>]</span></p>
+<p>So Gerry says that I remind him quite a lot of Helen of Troy, who was of Greek extraction.
+But the only Greek I know is a Greek gentleman by the name of Mr. Georgopolis who
+is really quite wealthy and he is what Dorothy and I call a “Shopper” because you
+can always call him up at any hour and ask him to go shopping and he is always quite
+delighted, which very few gentlemen seem to be. And he never seems to care how much
+anything costs. I mean Mr. Georgopolis is also quite cultured, as I know quite a few
+gentlemen who can speak to a waiter in French but Mr. Georgopolis can also speak to
+a waiter in Greek which very few gentlemen seem to be able to do.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 1st</i>:
+</p>
+<p>I am taking special pains with my diary from now on as I am really writing it for
+Gerry. I mean he and I are going to read it together some evening in front of the
+fireplace. But Gerry leaves this evening for Boston as he has to lecture about all
+of his works at Boston, but he will rush right back as soon as possible. So I am going
+to spend all of my time improving myself while he is <span class="pageNum" id="pb27">[<a href="#pb27">27</a>]</span>gone. And this afternoon we are both going to a museum on 5th Avenue, because Gerry
+wants to show me a very very beautiful cup made by an antique jeweler called Mr. Cellini
+and he wants me to read Mr. Cellini’s life which is a very very fine book and not
+dull while he is in Boston.
+</p>
+<p>So the famous playright friend of mine who is called Sam called up this morning and
+he wanted me to go to a literary party tonight that he and some other literary gentlemen
+are giving to Florence Mills in Harlem but Gerry does not want me to go with Sam as
+Sam always insists on telling riskay stories. But personally I am quite broad minded
+and I always say that I do not mind a riskay story as long as it is really funny.
+I mean I have a great sense of humor. But Gerry says Sam does not always select and
+choose his stories and he just as soon I did not go out with him. So I am going to
+stay home and read the book by Mr. Cellini instead, because, after all, the only thing
+I am really interested in, is improving my mind. So I am going to do nothing else
+but improve my mind while Gerry is in Boston. I mean I just received a cable from
+Willie Gwynn <span class="pageNum" id="pb28">[<a href="#pb28">28</a>]</span>who arrives from Europe tomorrow, but I am not even going to bother to see him. He
+is a sweet boy but he never gets anywhere and I am not going to waste my time on such
+as him, after meeting a gentleman like Gerry.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 2nd</i>:
+</p>
+<p>I seem to be quite depressed this morning as I always am when there is nothing to
+put my mind to. Because I decided not to read the book by Mr. Cellini. I mean it was
+quite amuseing in spots because it was really quite riskay but the spots were not
+so close together and I never seem to like to always be hunting clear through a book
+for the spots I am looking for, especially when there are really not so many spots
+that seem to be so amuseing after all. So I did not waste my time on it but this morning
+I told Lulu to let all of the house work go and spend the day reading a book entitled
+“Lord Jim” and then tell me all about it, so that I would improve my mind while Gerry
+is away. But when I got her the book I nearly made a mistake and gave her a book by
+the title of “The Nigger of the Narcissus” which really would have hurt her feelings.
+I mean I do not know why authors <span class="pageNum" id="pb29">[<a href="#pb29">29</a>]</span>cannot say “Negro” instead of “Nigger” as they have their feelings just the same as
+we have.
+</p>
+<p>Well I just got a telegram from Gerry that he will not be back until tomorrow and
+also some orchids from Willie Gwynn, so I may as well go to the theatre with Willie
+tonight to keep from getting depressed, as he really is a sweet boy after all. I mean
+he never really does anything obnoxious. And it is quite depressing to stay at home
+and do nothing but read, unless you really have a book that is worth bothering about.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 3rd</i>:
+</p>
+<p>I was really so depressed this morning that I was even glad to get a letter from Mr.
+Eisman. Because last night Willie Gwynn came to take me to the Follies, but he was
+so intoxicated that I had to telephone his club to send around a taxi to take him
+home. So that left me alone with Lulu at nine o’clock with nothing to do, so I put
+in a telephone call for Boston to talk to Gerry but it never went through. So Lulu
+tried to teach me how to play mah jong, but I really could not keep my mind on it
+because I was so depressed. <span class="pageNum" id="pb30">[<a href="#pb30">30</a>]</span>So today I think I had better go over to Madame Frances and order some new evening
+gowns to cheer me up.
+</p>
+<p>Well Lulu just brought me a telegram from Gerry that he will be in this afternoon,
+but I must not meet him at the station on account of all of the reporters who always
+meet him at the station wherever he comes from. But he says he will come right up
+to see me as he has something to talk about.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 4th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>What an evening we had last evening. I mean it seems that Gerry is madly in love with
+me. Because all of the time he was in Boston lecturing to the womens clubs he said,
+as he looked over the faces of all those club women in Boston, he never realized I
+was so beautiful. And he said that there was only one in all the world and that was
+me. But it seems that Gerry thinks that Mr. Eisman is terrible and that no good can
+come of our friendship. I mean I was quite surprised, as they both seemed to get along
+quite well together, but it seems that Gerry never wants me to see Mr. Eisman again.
+And he wants me to give up everything and <span class="pageNum" id="pb31">[<a href="#pb31">31</a>]</span>study French and he will get a divorce and we will be married. Because Gerry does
+not seem to like the kind of life all of us lead in New York and he wants me to go
+home to papa in Arkansas and he will send me books to read so that I will not get
+lonesome there. And he gave me his uncle’s Masonic ring, which came down from the
+time of Soloman and which he never even lets his wife wear, for our engagement ring,
+and this afternoon a lady friend of his is going to bring me a new system she thought
+up of how to learn French. But some way I still seem to be depressed. I mean I could
+not sleep all night thinking of the terrible things Gerry said about New York and
+about Mr. Eisman. Of course I can understand Gerry being jealous of any gentleman
+friend of mine and of course I never really thought that Mr. Eisman was Rudolph Valentino,
+but Gerry said it made him cringe to think of a sweet girl like I having a friendship
+with Mr. Eisman. So it really made me feel quite depressed. I mean Gerry likes to
+talk quite a lot and I always think a lot of talk is depressing and worries your brains
+with things you never even think of when you are busy. But so <span class="pageNum" id="pb32">[<a href="#pb32">32</a>]</span>long as Gerry does not mind me going out with other gentlemen when they have something
+to give you mentally, I am going to luncheon with Eddie Goldmark of the Goldmark Films
+who is always wanting me to sign a contract to go into the cinema. Because Mr. Goldmark
+is madly in love with Dorothy and Dorothy is always wanting me to go back in the cinema
+because Dorothy says that she will go if I will go.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p032width"><img src="images/p032.jpg" alt="“He said it made him cringe to think of a sweet girl like I having a friendship with Mr. Eisman.”" width="537" height="274"><p class="figureHead">“<i>He said it made him cringe to think of a sweet girl like I having a friendship with
+Mr. Eisman.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 6th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well I finally wrote Mr. Eisman that I was going to get married and it seems that
+he is coming on at once as he would probably <span class="pageNum" id="pb33">[<a href="#pb33">33</a>]</span>like to give me his advice. Getting married is really quite serious and Gerry talks
+to me for hours and hours about it. I mean he never seems to get tired of talking
+and he does not seem to even want to go to shows or dance or do anything else but
+talk, and if I don’t really have something definite to put my mind on soon I will
+scream.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 7th</i>:
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p033width"><img src="images/p033.jpg" alt="“He said I would be dragged into the scandal of a divorce court and get my name smirched.”" width="541" height="275"><p class="figureHead">“<i>He said I would be dragged into the scandal of a divorce court and get my name smirched.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure floatLeft p034width"><img src="images/p034.jpg" alt="“So I am sailing for France and London on Tuesday and taking Dorothy with me and Mr. Eisman will see us there later.”" width="277" height="535"><p class="figureHead">“<i>So I am sailing for France and London on Tuesday and taking Dorothy with me and Mr.
+Eisman will see us there later.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>Well Mr. Eisman arrived this morning and he and I had quite a long talk, and after
+all I think he is right. Because here is the first real opportunity I have ever really
+had. I mean to go to Paris and broaden out and <span class="pageNum" id="pb34">[<a href="#pb34">34</a>]</span>improve my writing, and why should I give it up to marry an author, where he is the
+whole thing and all I would be would be the wife of Gerald Lamson? And on top of that
+I would have to be dragged into the scandal of a divorce court and get my name smirched.
+So Mr. Eisman said that opportunities come <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> seldom in a girls life for me to give up the first one I have really ever had. So
+I am sailing for France and London on Tuesday and taking Dorothy with me and Mr. Eisman
+says that he will see us there later. So Dorothy knows all of the ropes and she can
+get along in Paris just as though she knew French and besides she knows a French gentleman
+who was born and raised there, who <span class="pageNum" id="pb35">[<a href="#pb35">35</a>]</span>speaks it like a native and knows Paris like a book. And Dorothy says that when we
+get to London nearly everybody speaks English anyway. So it is quite lucky that Mr.
+Lamson is out lecturing in Cincinnati and he will not be back until Wednesday and
+I can send him a letter and tell him that I have to go to Europe now but I will see
+him later perhaps. So anyway I will be spared listening to any more of his depressing
+conversation. So Mr. Eisman gave me quite a nice string of pearls and he gave Dorothy
+a diamond pin and we all went to the Colony for dinner and we all went to a show and
+supper at the Trocadero and we all spent quite a pleasant evening.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb39">[<a href="#pb39">39</a>]</span></p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div id="ch2" class="div1 chapter"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#xd31e259">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divHead">
+<h2 class="label">CHAPTER TWO</h2>
+<h2 class="main">FATE KEEPS ON HAPPENING</h2>
+</div>
+<div class="divBody">
+<p class="first dateentry"><i>April 11th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well Dorothy and I are really on the ship sailing to Europe as anyone could tell by
+looking at the ocean. I always love the ocean. I mean I always love a ship and I really
+love the <i>Majestic</i> because you would not know it was a ship because it is just like being at the Ritz,
+and the steward says the ocean is not so obnoxious this month as it generally is.
+So Mr. Eisman is going to meet us next month in Paris because he has to be there on
+business. I mean he always says that there is really no place to see the latest styles
+in buttons like Paris.
+</p>
+<p>So Dorothy is out taking a walk up and down the deck with a gentleman she met on the
+steps, but I am not going to waste my time going around with gentlemen because if
+I did nothing but go around I would not finish my diary or read good books which I
+am always reading to improve my mind. But Dorothy really does not care about her <span class="pageNum" id="pb40">[<a href="#pb40">40</a>]</span>mind and I always scold her because she does nothing but waste her time by going around
+with gentlemen who do not have anything, when Eddie Goldmark of the Goldmark Films
+is really quite wealthy and can make a girl delightful presents. But she does nothing
+but waste her time and yesterday, which was really the day before we sailed, she would
+not go to luncheon with Mr. Goldmark but she went to luncheon to meet a gentleman
+called Mr. Mencken from Baltimore who really only prints a green magazine which has
+not even got any pictures in it. But Mr. Eisman is always saying that every girl does
+not want to get ahead and get educated like me.
+</p>
+<p>So Mr. Eisman and Lulu come down to the boat to see me off and Lulu cried quite a
+lot. I mean I really believe she could not care any more for me if she was light and
+not colored. Lulu has had a very sad life because when she was quite young a pullman
+porter fell madly in love with her. So she believed him and he lured her away from
+her home to Ashtabula and deceived her there. So she finally found out that she had
+been deceived and she really was broken hearted and when she <span class="pageNum" id="pb41">[<a href="#pb41">41</a>]</span>tried to go back home she found out that it was <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> late because her best girl friend, who she had always trusted, had stolen her husband
+and he would not take Lulu back. So I have always said to her she could always work
+for me and she is going to take care of the apartment until I get back, because I
+would not sublet the apartment because Dorothy sublet her apartment when she went
+to Europe last year and the gentleman who sublet the apartment allowed girls to pay
+calls on him who were not nice.
+</p>
+<p>Mr. Eisman has litereally filled our room with flowers and the steward has had quite
+a hard time to find enough vases to put them into. I mean the steward said he knew
+as soon as he saw Dorothy and I that he would have quite a heavy run on vases. And
+of course Mr. Eisman has sent me quite a lot of good books as he always does, because
+he always knows that good books are always welcome. So he has sent me quite a large
+book of Etiquette as he says there is quite a lot of Etiquette in England and London
+and it would be a good thing for a girl to learn. So I am going to take it on the
+deck after luncheon and read it, because I would <span class="pageNum" id="pb42">[<a href="#pb42">42</a>]</span>often like to know what a girl ought to do when a gentleman she has just met, says
+something to her in a taxi. Of course I always become quite vexed but I always believe
+in giving a gentleman another chance.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure floatLeft p042width"><img src="images/p042.jpg" alt="“The steward said he knew as soon as he saw Dorothy and I that he would have quite a heavy run on vases.”" width="277" height="535"><p class="figureHead">“<i>The steward said he knew as soon as he saw Dorothy and I that he would have quite
+a heavy run on vases.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>So now the steward tells me it is luncheon time, so I will go upstairs as the gentleman
+Dorothy met on the steps has invited us to luncheon in the Ritz, which is a special
+dining room on the ship where you can spend quite a lot of money because they really
+give away the food in the other dining room.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 12th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>I am going to stay in bed this morning as I am quite upset as I saw a gentleman <span class="pageNum" id="pb43">[<a href="#pb43">43</a>]</span>who quite upset me. I am not really sure it was the gentleman, as I saw him at quite
+a distants in the bar, but if it really is the gentleman it shows that when a girl
+has a lot of fate in her life it is sure to keep on happening. So when I thought I
+saw this gentleman I was with Dorothy and Major Falcon, who is the gentleman Dorothy
+met on the steps, and Major Falcon noticed that I became upset, so he wanted me to
+tell him what was the matter, but it is really so terrible that I would not want to
+tell anyone. So I said good night to Major Falcon and I left him with Dorothy and
+I went down to our room and did nothing but cry and send the steward for some champagne
+to cheer me up. I mean champagne always makes me feel philosophical because it makes
+me realize that when a girl’s life is as full of fate as mine seems to be, there is
+nothing else to do about it. So this morning the steward brought me my coffee and
+quite a large pitcher of ice water so I will stay in bed and not have any more champagne
+until luncheon time.
+</p>
+<p>Dorothy never has any fate in her life and she does nothing but waste her time and
+I really wonder if I did right to bring her with <span class="pageNum" id="pb44">[<a href="#pb44">44</a>]</span>me and not Lulu. I mean she really gives gentlemen a bad impression as she talks quite
+a lot of slang. Because when I went up yesterday to meet she and Major Falcon for
+luncheon, I overheard her say to Major Falcon that she really liked to become intoxicated
+once in a “dirty” while. Only she did not say intoxicated, but she really said a slang
+word that means intoxicated and I am always having to tell her that “dirty” is a slang
+word and she really should not say “dirty.”
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p044width"><img src="images/p044.jpg" alt="“I overheard Dorothy tell Major Falcon that she liked to become intoxicated once in a dirty while.”" width="540" height="271"><p class="figureHead">“<i>I overheard Dorothy tell Major Falcon that she liked to become intoxicated once in
+a dirty while.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>Major Falcon is really quite a delightful gentleman for an Englishman. I mean he really
+spends quite a lot of money and we had quite a delightful luncheon and dinner in the
+Ritz until I thought I saw the gentleman who <span class="pageNum" id="pb45">[<a href="#pb45">45</a>]</span>upset me and I am so upset I think I will get dressed and go up on the deck and see
+if it really is the one I think it is. I mean there is nothing else for me to do as
+I have finished writing in my diary for today and I have decided not to read the book
+of Ettiquette as I glanced through it and it does not seem to have anything in it
+that I would care to know because it wastes quite a lot of time telling you what to
+call a Lord and all the Lords I have met have told me what to call them and it is
+generally some quite cute name like Coocoo whose real name is really Lord Cooksleigh.
+So I will not waste my time on such a book. But I wish I did not feel so upset about
+the gentleman I think I saw.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p046width"><img src="images/p046.jpg" alt="“So Mr. Ginsberg changed his name to Mr. Mountginz which he really thinks is more aristocratic.”" width="540" height="271"><p class="figureHead">“<i>So Mr. Ginsberg changed his name to Mr. Mountginz which he really thinks is more aristocratic.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 13th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>It really is the gentleman I thought I saw. I mean when I found out it was the gentleman
+my heart really stopped. Because it all brought back things that anybody does not
+like to remember, no matter who they are. So yesterday when I went up on the deck
+to see if I could see the gentleman and see if it really was him, I met quite a delightful
+gentleman who I met once at a party called <span class="pageNum" id="pb46">[<a href="#pb46">46</a>]</span>Mr. Ginzberg. Only his name is not Mr. Ginzberg any more because a gentleman in London
+called Mr. Battenburg, who is some relation to some king, changed his name to Mr.
+Mountbatten which Mr. Ginzberg says really means the same thing after all. So Mr.
+Ginsberg changed his name to Mr. Mountginz which he really thinks is more aristocratic.
+So we walked around the deck and we met the gentleman face to face and I really saw
+it was him and he really saw it was me. I mean his face became so red it was almost
+a picture. So I was so upset I said good-bye to Mr. Mountginz and I started to rush
+right down to my room and cry. But when I was going down the steps, I bumped right
+into Major Falcon <span class="pageNum" id="pb47">[<a href="#pb47">47</a>]</span>who noticed that I was upset. So Major Falcon made me go to the Ritz and have some
+champagne and tell him all about it.
+</p>
+<p>So then I told Major Falcon about the time in Arkansas when Papa sent me to Little
+Rock to study how to become a stenographer. I mean Papa and I had quite a little quarrel
+because Papa did not like a gentleman who used to pay calls on me in the park and
+Papa thought it would do me good to get away for awhile. So I was in the business
+colledge in Little Rock for about a week when a gentleman called Mr. Jennings paid
+a call on the business colledge because he wanted to have a new stenographer. So he
+looked over all we colledge girls and he picked me out. So he told our teacher that
+he would help me finish my course in his office because he was only a lawyer and I
+really did not have to know so much. So Mr. Jennings helped me quite a lot and I stayed
+in his office about a year when I found out that he was not the kind of a gentleman
+that a young girl is safe with. I mean one evening when I went to pay a call on him
+at his apartment, I found a girl there who really was famous all over Little Rock
+for not <span class="pageNum" id="pb48">[<a href="#pb48">48</a>]</span>being nice. So when I found out that girls like that paid calls on Mr. Jennings I
+had quite a bad case of histerics and my mind was really a blank and when I came out
+of it, it seems that I had a revolver in my hand and it seems that the revolver had
+shot Mr. Jennings.
+</p>
+<p>So this gentleman on the boat was really the District Attorney who was at the trial
+and he really was quite harsh at the trial and he called me names that I would not
+even put in my diary. Because everyone at the trial except the District Attorney was
+really lovely to me and all the gentlemen in the jury all cried when my lawyer pointed
+at me and told them that they practically all had had either a mother or a sister.
+So the jury was only out three minutes and then they came back and acquitted me and
+they were all so lovely that I really had to kiss all of them and when I kissed the
+judge he had tears in his eyes and he took me right home to his sister. I mean it
+was when Mr. Jennings became shot that I got the idea to go into the cinema, so Judge
+Hibbard got me a ticket to Hollywood. So it was Judge Hibbard who really gave me my
+name because <span class="pageNum" id="pb49">[<a href="#pb49">49</a>]</span>he did not like the name I had because he said a girl ought to have a name that ought
+to express her personality. So he said my name ought to be Lorelei which is the name
+of a girl who became famous for sitting on a rock in Germany, So I was in Hollywood
+in the cinema when I met Mr. Eisman and he said that a girl with my brains ought not
+to be in the cinema but she ought to be educated, so he took me out of the cinema
+so he could educate me.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p049width"><img src="images/p049.jpg" alt="“So when they acquitted me I kissed the judge and they all had tears in their eyes.”" width="536" height="273"><p class="figureHead">“<i>So when they acquitted me I kissed the judge and they all had tears in their eyes.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>So Major Falcon was really quite interested in everything I talked about, because
+he said it was quite a co-instance because this District Attorney, who is called Mr.
+Bartlett, is now working for the government of America <span class="pageNum" id="pb50">[<a href="#pb50">50</a>]</span>and he is on his way to a place called Vienna on some business for Uncle Sam that
+is quite a great secret and Mr. Falcon would like very much to know what the secret
+is, because the Government in London sent him to America especially to find out what
+it was. Only of course Mr. Bartlett does not know who Major Falcon is, because it
+is such a great secret, but Major Falcon can tell me, because he knows who he can
+trust. So Major Falcon says he thinks a girl like I ought to forgive and forget what
+Mr. Bartlett called me and he wants to bring us together and he says he thinks Mr.
+Bartlett would talk to me quite a lot when he really gets to know me and I forgive
+him for that time in Little Rock. Because it would be quite romantic for Mr. Bartlett
+and I to become friendly, and gentlemen who work for Uncle Sam generally like to become
+romantic with girls. So he is going to bring us together on the deck after dinner
+tonight and I am going to forgive him and talk with him quite a lot, because why should
+a girl hold a grudge against a gentleman who had to do it. So Major Falcon brought
+me quite a large bottle of perfume and a quite cute <span class="pageNum" id="pb51">[<a href="#pb51">51</a>]</span>imitation of quite a large size dog in the little shop which is on board the boat.
+I mean Major Falcon really knows how to cheer a girl up quite a lot and so tonight
+I am going to make it all up with Mr. Bartlett.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 14th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well Mr. Bartlett and I made it all up last night and we are going to be the best
+of friends and talk quite a lot. So when I went down to my room quite late Major Falcon
+came down to see if I and Mr. Bartlett were really going to be friends because he
+said a girl with brains like I ought to have lots to talk about with a gentleman with
+brains like Mr. Bartlett who knows all of Uncle Sam’s secrets.
+</p>
+<p>So I told Major Falcon how Mr. Bartlett thinks that he and I seem to be like a play,
+because all the time he was calling me all those names in Little Rock he really thought
+I was. So when he found out that I turned out not to be, he said he always thought
+that I only used my brains against gentlemen and really had quite a cold heart. But
+now he thinks I ought to write a play about how he called me all those names in Little
+Rock and <span class="pageNum" id="pb52">[<a href="#pb52">52</a>]</span>then, after seven years, we became friendly.
+</p>
+<p>So I told Major Falcon that I told Mr. Bartlett I would like to write the play but
+I really did not have time as it takes quite a lot of time to write my diary and read
+good books. So Mr. Bartlett did not know that I read books which is quite a co-instance
+because he reads them to. So he is going to bring me a book of philosophy this afternoon
+called “Smile, Smile, Smile” which all the brainy senators in Washington are reading
+which cheers you up quite a lot.
+</p>
+<p>So I told Major Falcon that having a friendship with Mr. <span class="sic" title="Correction: Bartlett">Barlett</span> was really quite enervating because Mr. Bartlett does not drink anything and the
+less anybody says about his dancing the better. But he did ask me to dine at his table,
+which is not in the Ritz and I told him I could not, but Major Falcon told me I ought
+to, but I told Major Falcon that there was a limit to almost everything. So I am going
+to stay in my room until luncheon and I am going to luncheon in the Ritz with Mr.
+Mountginz who really knows how to treat a girl.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p053width"><img src="images/p053.jpg" alt="“The steward has had quite a sad life and he likes to tell me all about himself.”" width="531" height="267"><p class="figureHead">“<i>The steward has had quite a sad life and he likes to tell me all about himself.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>Dorothy is up on the deck wasting quite a lot of time with a gentleman who is <span class="pageNum" id="pb53">[<a href="#pb53">53</a>]</span>only a tennis champion. So I am going to ring for the steward and have some champagne
+which is quite good for a person on a boat. The steward is really quite a nice boy
+and he has had quite a sad life and he likes to tell me all about himself. I mean
+it seems that he was arrested in Flatbush because he promised a gentleman that he
+would bring him some very very good scotch and they mistook him for a bootlegger.
+So it seems they put him in a prison and they put him in a cell with two other gentlemen
+who were very, very famous burglars. I mean they really had their pictures in all
+the newspapers and everybody was talking about them. So my steward, whose real name
+is Fred, was <span class="pageNum" id="pb54">[<a href="#pb54">54</a>]</span>very very proud to be in the same cell with such famous burglars. So when they asked
+him what he was in for, he did not like to tell them that he was only a bootlegger,
+so he told them that he set fire to a house and burned up quite a large family in
+Oklahoma. So everything would have gone alright except that the police had put a dictaphone
+in the cell and used it all against him and he could not get out until they had investigated
+all the fires in Oklahoma. So I always think that it is much more educational to talk
+to a boy like Fred who has been through a lot and really suffered than it is to talk
+to a gentleman like Mr. Bartlett. But I will have to talk to Mr. Bartlett all afternoon
+as Major Falcon has made an appointment for me to spend the whole afternoon with him.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 15th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Last night there was quite a maskerade ball on the ship which was really all for the
+sake of charity because most of the sailors seem to have orphans which they get from
+going on the ocean when the sea is very rough. So they took up quite a collection
+and Mr. Bartlett made quite a long speech in favor of <span class="pageNum" id="pb55">[<a href="#pb55">55</a>]</span>orphans especially when their parents are sailors. Mr. Bartlett really likes to make
+speeches quite a lot. I mean he even likes to make speeches when he is all alone with
+a girl when they are walking up and down a deck. But the maskerade ball was quite
+cute and one gentleman really looked almost like an imitation of Mr. Chaplin. So Dorothy
+and I really did not want to go to the ball but Mr. Bartlett bought us two scarfs
+at the little store which is on the ship so we tied them around our hips and everyone
+said we made quite a cute Carmen. So Mr. Bartlett and Major Falcon and the tennis
+champion were the Judges. So Dorothy and I won the prizes. I mean I really hope I
+do not get any more large size imitations of a dog as I have three now and I do not
+see why the Captain does not ask Mr. Cartier to have a jewelry store on the ship as
+it is really not much fun to go shopping on a ship with gentlemen, and buy nothing
+but imitations of dogs.
+</p>
+<p>So after we won the prizes I had an engagement to go up on the top of the deck with
+Mr. Bartlett as it seems he likes to look at the moonlight quite a lot. So I told
+him <span class="pageNum" id="pb56">[<a href="#pb56">56</a>]</span>to go up and wait for me and I would be up later as I promised a dance to Mr. Mountginz.
+So he asked me how long I would be dancing till, but I told him to wait up there and
+he would find out. So Mr. Mountginz and I had quite a delightful dance and champagne
+until Major Falcon found us. Because he was looking for me and he said I really should
+not keep Mr. Bartlett waiting. So I went up on the deck and Mr. Bartlett was up there
+waiting for me and it seems that he really is madly in love with me because he did
+not sleep a wink since we became friendly. Because he never thought that I really
+had brains but now that he knows it, it seems that he has been looking for a girl
+like me for years, and he said that really the place for me when he got back home
+was Washington d. c. where he lives. So I told him I thought a thing like that was
+nearly always the result of fate. So he wanted me to get off the ship tomorrow at
+France and take the same trip that he is taking to Vienna as it seems that Vienna
+is in France and if you go on to England you go to far. But I told him that I could
+not because I thought that if he was really madly in love with me he would take <span class="pageNum" id="pb58">[<a href="#pb58">58</a>]</span>a trip to London instead. But he told me that he had serious business in Vienna that
+was a very, very great secret. But I told him I did not believe it was business but
+that it really was some girl, because what business could be so important? So he said
+it was business for the United States government at Washington and he could not tell
+anybody what it was. So then we looked at the moonlight quite a lot. So I told him
+I would go to Vienna if I really knew it was business and not some girl, because I
+could not see how business could be so important. So then he told me all about it.
+So it seems that Uncle Sam wants some new aeroplanes that everybody else seems to
+want, especially England, and Uncle Sam has quite a clever way to get them which is
+to long to put in my diary. So we sat up and saw the sun rise and I became quite stiff
+and told him I would have to go down to my room because, after all, the ship lands
+at France today and I said if I got off the boat at France to go to Vienna with him
+I would have to pack up.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p057width"><img src="images/p057.jpg" alt="“Mr. Bartlett said he did not sleep a wink since we became friendly.”" width="370" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>Mr. Bartlett said he did not sleep a wink since we became friendly.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>So I went down to my room and went to bed. So then Dorothy came in and she was up
+on the deck with the tennis champion but <span class="pageNum" id="pb59">[<a href="#pb59">59</a>]</span>she did not notice the sun rise as she really does not love nature but always wastes
+her time and ruins her clothes even though I always tell her not to drink champagne
+out of a bottle on the deck of the ship as it lurches quite a lot. So I am going to
+have luncheon in my room and I will send a note to Mr. Bartlett to tell him I will
+not be able to get off the boat at France to go to Vienna with him as I have quite
+a headache, but I will see him sometime somewhere else. So Major Falcon is going to
+come down at 12 and I have got to thinking over what Mr. Bartlett called me at Little
+Rock and I am quite upset. I mean a gentleman never pays for those things but a girl
+always pays. So I think I will tell Major Falcon all about the airoplane business
+as he really wants to know. And, after all I do not think Mr. Bartlett is a gentleman
+to call me all those names in Little Rock even if it was seven years ago. I mean Major
+Falcon is always a gentleman and he really wants to do quite a lot for us in London.
+Because he knows the Prince of Wales and he thinks that Dorothy and I would like the
+Prince of Wales once we had really got to meet him. So I am going to stay in my <span class="pageNum" id="pb60">[<a href="#pb60">60</a>]</span>room until Mr. Bartlett gets off the ship at France, because I really do not seem
+to care if I never see Mr. Bartlett again.
+</p>
+<p>So tomorrow we will be at England bright and early. And I really feel quite thrilled
+because Mr. Eisman sent me a cable this morning, as he does every morning, and he
+says to take advantage of everybody we meet as traveling is the highest form of education.
+I mean Mr. Eisman is always right and Major Falcon knows all the sights in London
+including the Prince of Wales so it really looks like Dorothy and I would have quite
+a delightful time in London.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb63">[<a href="#pb63">63</a>]</span></p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div id="ch3" class="div1 chapter"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#xd31e269">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divHead">
+<h2 class="label">CHAPTER THREE</h2>
+<h2 class="main">LONDON IS REALLY NOTHING</h2>
+</div>
+<div class="divBody">
+<p class="first dateentry"><i>April 17th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well, Dorothy and I are really at London. I mean we got to London on the train yesterday
+as the boat does not come clear up to London but it stops on the beach and you have
+to take a train. I mean everything is much better in New York, because the boat comes
+right up to New York and I am really beginning to think that London is not so educational
+after all. But I did not tell Mr. Eisman when I cabled him last night because Mr.
+Eisman really sent me to London to get educated and I would hate to tell him that
+London is a failure because we know more in New York.
+</p>
+<p>So Dorothy and I came to the Ritz and it is delightfully full of Americans. I mean
+you would really think it was New York because I always think that the most delightful
+thing about traveling is to always be running into Americans and to always feel at
+home.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb64">[<a href="#pb64">64</a>]</span></p>
+<p>So yesterday Dorothy and I went down to luncheon at the Ritz and we saw a quite cute
+little blond girl at the next table and I nudged Dorothy under the table, because
+I do not think it is nice to nudge a person on top of the table as I am trying to
+teach good manners to Dorothy. So I said “That is quite a cute little girl so she
+must be an American girl.” And sure enough she called the head-waiter with quite
+an American accent and she was quite angry and she said to him, I have been coming
+to this hotel for 35 years and this is the first time I have been kept waiting. So
+I recognized her voice because it was really Fanny Ward. So we asked her to come over
+to our table and we were all three delighted to see each other. Because I and Fanny
+have known each other for about five years but I really feel as if I knew her better
+because mama knew her 45 years ago when she and mama used to go to school together
+and mama used to always follow all her weddings in all the newspapers. So now Fanny
+lives in London and is famous for being one of the cutest girls in London. I mean
+Fanny is almost historical, because when a girl is cute for 50 years it really begins
+to get historical.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb65">[<a href="#pb65">65</a>]</span>
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p065width"><img src="images/p065.jpg" alt="“So I recognized her voice because it was really Fanny Ward.”" width="367" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>So I recognized her voice because it was really Fanny Ward.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb66">[<a href="#pb66">66</a>]</span></p>
+<p>So if mama did not die of hardening of the arterys she and Fanny and I could have
+quite a delightful time in London as Fanny loves to shop. So we went shopping for
+hats and instead of going to the regular shop we went to the childrens department
+and Fanny and I bought some quite cute hats as childrens hats only cost half as much
+and Fanny does it all the time. I mean Fanny really loves hats and she buys some in
+the children’s department every week, so she really saves quite a lot of money.
+</p>
+<p>So we came back to the Ritz to meet Major Falcon because Major Falcon invited us to
+go to tea with him at a girls house called Lady Shelton. So Major Falcon invited Fanny
+to go with us <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span>, but she was sorry because she had to go to her music lesson.
+</p>
+<p>So at Lady Sheltons house we met quite a few people who seemed to be English. I mean
+some of the girls in London seem to be Ladies which seems to be the opposite of a
+Lord. And some who are not Ladies are honorable. But quite a few are not Ladies or
+honorable either, but are just like us, so all you have to call them is “Miss.” So
+Lady Shelton was really delighted to have we <span class="pageNum" id="pb67">[<a href="#pb67">67</a>]</span>Americans come to her house. I mean she took Dorothy and I into the back parlor and
+tried to sell us some shell flowers she seems to make out of sea shells for 25 pounds.
+So we asked her how much it was in money and it seems it is 125 dollars. I mean I
+am really going to have a quite hard time in London with Dorothy because she really
+should not say to an English lady what she said. I mean she should not say to an English
+lady that in America we use shells the same way only we put a dry pea under one of
+them and we call it a game. But I told Lady Shelton we really did not need any shell
+flowers. So Lady Shelton said she knew we Americans loved dogs so she would love us
+to meet her mother.
+</p>
+<p>So then she took Dorothy and Major Falcon and I to her mother’s house which was just
+around the corner from her house. Because her mother seems to be called a Countess
+and raise dogs. So her mother was having a party too, and she seemed to have quite
+red hair and quite a lot of paint for such an elderly lady. So the first thing she
+asked us was she asked us if we bought some shell flowers from her daughter. So we
+told her no. But she did not seem to act like a Countess <span class="pageNum" id="pb68">[<a href="#pb68">68</a>]</span>of her elderly age should act. Because she said, “You were right my dears—don’t let
+my daughter stick you—they fall apart in less than a week.” So then she asked us if
+we would like to buy a dog. I mean I could not stop Dorothy but she said “How long
+before the dogs fall apart?” But I do not think the Countess acted like a Countess
+ought to act because she laughed very, very loud and she said that Dorothy was really
+priceless and she grabbed Dorothy and kissed her and held her arm around her all the
+time. I mean I really think that a Countess should not <span class="sic" title="Correction: encourage">encouradge</span> Dorothy or else she is just as unrefined as Dorothy seems to be. But I told the Countess
+that we did not need any dog.
+</p>
+<p>So then I met quite a delightful English lady who had a very, very beautiful diamond
+tiara in her hand bag because she said that she thought some Americans would be at
+the party and it was really a very, very great bargain. I mean I think a diamond tiara
+is delightful because it is a place where I really never thought of wearing diamonds
+before, and I thought I had almost one of everything until I saw a diamond tiara.
+The English lady who is called Mrs. Weeks said it was in <span class="pageNum" id="pb69">[<a href="#pb69">69</a>]</span>her family for years but the good thing about diamonds is they always look new. So
+I was really very intreeged and I asked her how much it cost in money and it seems
+it was $7,500.
+</p>
+<p>So then I looked around the room and I noticed a gentleman who seemed to be quite
+well groomed. So I asked Major Falcon who he was and he said he was called Sir Francis
+Beekman and it seems he is very, very wealthy. So then I asked Major Falcon to give
+us an introduction to one another and we met one another and I asked Sir Francis Beekman
+if he would hold my hat while I could try on the diamond tiara because I could wear
+it backwards with a ribbon, on account of my hair being hobbed, and I told Sir Francis
+Beekman that I really thought it looked quite cute. So he thought it did to, but he
+seemed to have another engagement. So the Countess came up to me and she is really
+very unrefined because she said to me “Do not waste your time on him” because she
+said that whenever Sir Francis Beekman spent a haypenny the statue of a gentleman
+called Mr. Nelson took off his hat and bowed. I mean some people are so unrefined
+they <span class="pageNum" id="pb70">[<a href="#pb70">70</a>]</span>seem to have unrefined thoughts about everything.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p070width"><img src="images/p070.jpg" alt="“I told Sir Francis Beekman that I really thought it looked quite cute.”" width="538" height="273"><p class="figureHead">“<i>I told Sir Francis Beekman that I really thought it looked quite cute.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>So I really have my heart set on the diamond tiara and I became quite worried because
+Mrs. Weeks said she was going to a delightful party last night that would be full
+of delightful Americans and it would be snaped up. So I was so worried that I gave
+her 100 dollars and she is going to hold the diamond tiara for me. Because what is
+the use of traveling if you do not take advantadge of oportunities and it really is
+quite unusual to get a bargain from an English lady. So last night I cabled Mr. Eisman
+and I told Mr. Eisman that he does not seem to <span class="sic" title="Correction: know how">how know</span> much it costs to get educated by <span class="pageNum" id="pb71">[<a href="#pb71">71</a>]</span>traveling and I said I really would have to have $10,000 and I said I hoped I would
+not have to borrow the money from some strange English gentleman, even if he might
+be very very good looking. So I really could not sleep all night because of all of
+my worrying because if I do not get the money to buy the diamond tiara it may be a
+quite hard thing to get back $100 from an English lady.
+</p>
+<p>So now I must really get dressed as Major Falcon is going to take Dorothy and I to
+look at all the sights in London. But I really think if I do not get the diamond tiara
+my whole trip to London will be quite a failure.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 18th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Yesterday was quite a day and night. I mean Major Falcon came to take Dorothy and
+I to see all the sights in London. So I thought it would be delightful if we had another
+gentleman and I made Major Falcon call up Sir Francis Beekman. I mean I had a cable
+from Mr. Eisman which told me he could not send me 10,000 dollars but he would send
+me 1000 dollars which really would not be a drop in the bucket for the diamond tiara.
+So Sir Francis Beekman said that he could <span class="pageNum" id="pb72">[<a href="#pb72">72</a>]</span>not come but I teased him and teased him over the telephone so he finally said he
+would come.
+</p>
+<p>So Major Falcon drives his own car so Dorothy sat with him and I sat with Sir Francis
+Beekman but I told him that I was not going to call him Sir Francis Beekman but I
+was really going to call him Piggie.
+</p>
+<p>In London they make a very, very great fuss over nothing at all. I mean London is
+really nothing at all. For instants, they make a great fuss over a tower that really
+is not even as tall as the Hickox building in Little Rock Arkansas and it would only
+make a chimney on one of our towers in New York. So Sir Francis Beekman wanted us
+to get out and look at the tower because he said that quite a famous Queen had her
+head cut off there one morning and Dorothy said “What a fool she was to get up that
+morning” and that is really the only sensible thing that Dorothy has said in London.
+So we did not bother to get out.
+</p>
+<p>So we did not go to any more sights because they really have delicious champagne cocktails
+at a very very smart new restaurant called the Cafe de Paris that you could not <span class="pageNum" id="pb74">[<a href="#pb74">74</a>]</span>get in New York for neither love or money and I told Piggie that when you are travelling
+you really ought to take advantadges of what you can not do at home.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p073width"><img src="images/p073.jpg" alt="“In London they make a fuss over a tower that is not as tall as the Hickox Building in Little Rock.”" width="368" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>In London they make a fuss over a tower that is not as tall as the Hickox Building
+in Little Rock.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>So while Dorothy and I were in the Cafe de Paris powdering our nose in the lady’s
+dressing room we met an American girl who Dorothy knew in the Follies, but now she
+is living in London. So she told us all about London. So it seems the gentlemen in
+London have quite a quaint custom of not giving a girl many presents. I mean the English
+girls really seem to be satisfied with a gold cigaret holder or else what they call
+a ‘bangle’ which means a bracelet in English which is only gold and does not have
+any stones in it which American girls would really give to their maid. So she said
+you could tell what English gentlemen were like when you realize that not even English
+ladys could get anything out of them. So she said Sir Francis Beekman was really famous
+all over London for not spending so much money as most English gentlemen. So then
+Dorothy and I said goodbye to Dorothy’s girl friend and Dorothy said, “Lets tell our
+two boy friends that we have a headache and go back to the <span class="pageNum" id="pb75">[<a href="#pb75">75</a>]</span>Ritz, where men are Americans.” Because Dorothy said that the society of a gentleman
+like Sir Francis Beekman was to great a price to pay for a couple of rounds of champagne
+cocktails. But I told Dorothy that I always believe that there is nothing like trying
+and I think it would be nice for an American girl like I to educate an English gentleman
+like Piggie, as I call Sir Francis Beekman.
+</p>
+<p>So then we went back to the table and I almost have to admit that Dorothy is in the
+right about Piggie because he really likes to talk quite a lot and he is always talking
+about a friend of his who was quite a famous King in London called King Edward. So
+Piggie said he would never never forget the jokes King Edward was always saying and
+he would never forget one time they were all on a yacht and they were all sitting
+at a table and King Edward got up and said “I don’t care what you gentlemen do—I’m
+going to smoke a cigar.” So then Piggie laughed very, very loud. So of course I laughed
+very, very loud and I told Piggie he was wonderful the way he could tell jokes. I
+mean you can always tell when to laugh because Piggie always laughs first.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb76">[<a href="#pb76">76</a>]</span></p>
+<p>So in the afternoon a lot of lady friends of Mrs. Weeks heard about me buying the
+diamond tiara and called us up and asked us to their house to tea so Dorothy and I
+went and we took a gentleman Dorothy met in the lobby who is very, very good looking
+but he is only an English ballroom dancer in a cafe when he has a job.
+</p>
+<p>So we went to tea to a lady’s house called Lady Elmsworth and what she has to sell
+we Americans seems to be a picture of her father painted in oil paint who she said
+was a whistler. But I told her my own father was a whistler and used to whistle all
+of the time and I did not even have a picture of him but every time he used to go
+to Little Rock I asked him to go to the photographers but he did not go.
+</p>
+<p>So then we met a lady called Lady Chizzleby that wanted us to go to her house to tea
+but we told her that we really did not want to buy anything. But she said that she
+did not have anything to sell but she wanted to borrow five pounds. So we did not
+go and I am really glad that Mr. Eisman did not come to London as all the English
+ladys would ask him to tea and he would have a <span class="pageNum" id="pb77">[<a href="#pb77">77</a>]</span>whole ship load of shell flowers and dogs and anteek pictures that do nobody any good.
+</p>
+<p>So last night Piggie and I and Dorothy and the dancer who is called Gerald went to
+the Kit Kat Club as Gerald had nothing better to do because he is out of a job. So
+Dorothy and I had quite a little quarrel because I told Dorothy that she was wasting
+quite a lot of time going with any gentleman who is out of a job but Dorothy is always
+getting to really like somebody and she will never learn how to act. I mean I always
+seem to think that when a girl really enjoys being with a gentleman, it puts her to
+quite a disadvantage and no real good can come of it.
+</p>
+<p>Well tonight is going to be quite a night because Major Falcon is going to take Dorothy
+and I to a dance at a lady’s house tonight to meet the Prince of Wales. And now I
+must get ready to see Piggie because he and I seem to be getting to be quite good
+friends even if he has not sent me any flowers yet.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 19th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Last night we really met the Prince of Wales. I mean Major Falcon called for <span class="pageNum" id="pb78">[<a href="#pb78">78</a>]</span>Dorothy and I at eleven and took us to a ladys house where the lady was having a party.
+The Prince of Wales is really wonderful. I mean even if he was not a prince he would
+be wonderful, because even if he was not a prince, he would be able to make his living
+playing the ukelele, if he had a little more practice. So the lady came up to me and
+told me that the Prince of Wales would like to meet me, so she gave us an introduction
+to one another and I was very very thrilled when he asked me for a dance. So I decided
+I would write down every word he said to me in my diary so I could always go back
+and read it over and over when I am really old. So then we started to dance and I
+asked him if he was still able to be fond of horses, and he said he was. So after
+our dance was all over he asked Dorothy for a dance but Dorothy will never learn how
+to act in front of a prince. Because she handed me her fan and she said “Hold this
+while I slip a new page into English <span class="sic" title="Correction: history">histry</span>,” right in front of the Prince of Wales. So I was very very worried while Dorothy
+was dancing with the Prince of Wales because she talked to the Prince of Wales all
+the time and when she <span class="pageNum" id="pb79">[<a href="#pb79">79</a>]</span>got through the Prince of Wales wrote some of the slang words she is always saying
+on his cuff, so if he tells the Queen some day to be ‘a good Elk’ or some other slang
+word Dorothy is always saying, the Queen will really blame me for bringing such a
+girl into English society. So when Dorothy came back we had quite a little quarrel
+because Dorothy said that since I met the Prince of Wales I was becoming too English.
+But really, I mean to say, I often remember papa back in Arkansas and he often used
+to say that his grandpa came from a place in England called Australia, so really,
+I mean to say, it is no wonder that the English seems to come out of me sometimes.
+Because if a girl seems to <span class="pageNum" id="pb80">[<a href="#pb80">80</a>]</span>have an English accent I really think it is quite jolly.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p079width"><img src="images/p079.jpg" alt="“So I asked the prince if he was still able to be fond of horses.”" width="538" height="274"><p class="figureHead">“<i>So I asked the prince if he was still able to be fond of horses.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 20th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Yesterday afternoon I really thought I ought to begin to educate Piggie how to act
+with a girl like American gentlemen act with a girl. So I asked him to come up to
+have tea in our sitting room in the hotel because I had quite a headache. I mean I
+really look quite cute in my pink negligay. So I sent out a <span class="sic" title="Correction: bellhop">bell hop</span> friend of Dorothy and I who is quite a nice boy who is called Harry and who we talk
+to quite a lot. So I gave Harry ten pounds of English money and I told him to go to
+the most expensive florist and to buy some very very expensive orchids for 10 pounds
+and to bring them to our sitting room at fifteen minutes past five and not to say
+a word but to say they were for me. So Piggie came to tea and we were having tea when
+Harry came in and he did not say a word but he gave me a quite large box and he said
+it was for me. So I opened the box and sure enough they were a dozen very very beautiful
+orchids. So I looked for a card, but of course there was no card so I grabbed <span class="pageNum" id="pb81">[<a href="#pb81">81</a>]</span>Piggie and I said I would have to give him quite a large hug because it must have
+been him. But he said it was not him. But I said it must be him because I said that
+there was only one gentleman in London who was so sweet and generous and had such
+a large heart to send a girl one dozen orchids like him. So he still said it was not
+him. But I said I knew it was him, because there was not a gentleman in London so
+really marvelous and so wonderful and such a marvelous gentleman to send a girl one
+dozen orchids every day as him. So I really had to apologize for giving him such a
+large hug but I told him I was so full of impulses that when I knew he was going to
+send me one dozen orchids every day I became so impulsive I could not help it!
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p081width"><img src="images/p081.jpg" alt="“I said I would have to give him quite a large hug.”" width="540" height="275"><p class="figureHead">“<i>I said I would have to give him quite a large hug.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb82">[<a href="#pb82">82</a>]</span></p>
+<p>So then Dorothy and Gerald came in and I told them all about what a wonderful gentleman
+Piggie turned out to be and I told them when a gentleman sent a girl one dozen orchids
+every day he really reminded me of a prince. So Piggie blushed quite a lot and he
+was really very very pleased and he did not say any more that it was not him. So then
+I started to make a fuss over him and I told him he would have to look out because
+he was really so good looking and I was so full of impulses that I might even lose
+my mind some time and give him a kiss. So Piggie really felt very very good to be
+such a good looking gentleman. So he could not help blushing all the time and he could
+not help grinning all the time from one ear to another. So he asked us all to dinner
+and then he and Gerald went to change their clothes for dinner. So Dorothy and I had
+quite a little quarrel after they went because Dorothy asked me which one of the Jesse
+James brothers was my father. But I told her I was not so unrefined that I would waste
+my time with any gentleman who was only a ballroom dancer when he had a job. So Dorothy
+said Gerald was a gentleman because he wrote <span class="pageNum" id="pb83">[<a href="#pb83">83</a>]</span>her a note and it had a crest. So I told her to try and eat it. So then we had to
+get dressed.
+</p>
+<p>So this morning Harry, the boy friend of ours who is the bell hop, waked me up at
+ten o’clock because he had a box of one dozen orchids from Piggie. So by the time
+Piggie pays for a few dozen orchids, the diamond tiara will really seem like quite
+a bargain. Because I always think that spending money is only just a habit and if
+you get a gentleman started on buying one dozen orchids at a time he really gets very
+good habits.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 21st</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well, yesterday afternoon I took Piggie shopping on a street called Bond Street. So
+I took him to a <span class="sic" title="Correction: jewelry">jewelery</span> store because I told him I had to have a silver picture frame because I had to have
+a picture of him to go in it. Because I told Piggie that when a girl gets to know
+such a good looking gentleman as him she really wants to have a picture of him on
+her dressing table where she can look at it a lot. So Piggie became quite <span class="sic" title="Correction: intrigued">intreeged</span>. So we looked at all the silver picture frames. But then I told him that I really
+did not think <span class="pageNum" id="pb84">[<a href="#pb84">84</a>]</span>a silver picture frame was good enough for a picture of him because I forgot that
+they had gold picture frames until I saw them. So then we started to look at the gold
+picture frames. So then it came out that his picture was taken in his <span class="sic" title="Correction: uniform">unaform</span>. So I said he must be so good looking in his <span class="sic" title="Correction: uniform">unaform</span> that I really did not think even the gold picture frames were good enough but they
+did not have any platinum picture frames so we had to buy the best one we could.
+</p>
+<p>So then I asked him if he could put on his <span class="sic" title="Correction: uniform">unaform</span> tomorrow because I would love to see him in his <span class="sic" title="Correction: uniform">unaform</span> and we could go to tea at Mrs. Weeks. So he really became very pleased because he
+grinned quite a lot and he said that he would. So then I said that poor little I would
+really look like nothing at all to be going out with him in his <span class="sic" title="Correction: gorgeous">georgous</span> <span class="sic" title="Correction: uniform">unaform</span>. So then we started to look at some bracelets but a lady friend of his who is quite
+friendly with his wife, who is in their country house in the country, came in to the
+store, so Piggie became quite nervous to be caught in a <span class="sic" title="Correction: jewelry">jewelery</span> store where he has not been for years and years, so we had to go out.
+</p>
+<p>This morning Gerald called up Dorothy <span class="pageNum" id="pb85">[<a href="#pb85">85</a>]</span>and he said that day after tomorrow they are having a theatrical garden party to sell
+things to people for charity so he asked if Dorothy and I would be one of the ones
+who sells things to people for charity. So we said we would.
+</p>
+<p>So now I must telephone Mrs. Weeks and say I will bring Sir Francis Beekman to tea
+tomorrow and I hope it all comes out all right. But I really wish Piggie would not
+tell so many <span class="sic" title="Correction: stories">storys</span>. I mean I do not mind a gentleman when he tells a great many <span class="sic" title="Correction: stories">storys</span> if they are new, but a gentleman who tells a great many <span class="sic" title="Correction: stories">storys</span> and they are all the same <span class="sic" title="Correction: stories">storys</span> is quite enervating. I mean London is really so uneducational that all I seem to
+be learning is some of <span class="sic" title="Correction: Piggie’s">Piggies</span> <span class="sic" title="Correction: stories">storys</span> and I even want to forget them. So I am really becoming jolly well fed up with London.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 22nd</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Yesterday Piggie came in his <span class="sic" title="Correction: uniform">unaform</span> but he was really quite upset because he had a letter. I mean his wife is coming
+to London because she always comes to London every year to get her old clothes made
+over as she has a girl who does it very very cheap. <span class="pageNum" id="pb86">[<a href="#pb86">86</a>]</span>So she is going to stay with the lady who saw us in the <span class="sic" title="Correction: jewelry">jewelery</span> store, because it always saves money to stay with a friend. So I wanted to cheer
+Piggie up so I told him that I did not think the lady saw us and if she did see us,
+she really could not believe her eyes to see him in a <span class="sic" title="Correction: jewelry">jewelery</span> store. But I did not tell him that I think that Dorothy and I had better go to Paris
+soon. Because, after all, Piggie’s society is beginning to tell on a girls nerves.
+But I really made Piggie feel quite good about his <span class="sic" title="Correction: uniform">unaform</span> because I told him I only felt fit to be with him in a diamond tiara. So then I told
+him that, even if his wife was in London, we could still be friends, because I could
+not help but admire him even if his wife was in London and I told him I really thought
+a thing like that was nearly always the result of fate. So then we went to tea at
+Mrs. Weeks. So Piggie arranged with Mrs. Weeks to pay her for the diamond tiara and
+she nearly fell dead but she will keep it a secret because no one would believe it
+anyway. So now I have the diamond tiara and I have to admit that everything always
+turns out for the best. But I promised Piggie that I would always stay in <span class="pageNum" id="pb87">[<a href="#pb87">87</a>]</span>London and we would always be friendly. Because Piggie always says that I am the only
+one who admires him for what he really is.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p087width"><img src="images/p087.jpg" alt="“So I promised Piggie that I would always stay in London.”" width="539" height="272"><p class="figureHead">“<i>So I promised Piggie that I would always stay in London.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 25th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well, we were so busy the last days I did not have time to write in my diary because
+now we are on a ship that seems to be quite a small ship to be sailing to Paris and
+we will be at Paris this afternoon. Because it does not take nearly so long to come
+to Paris as it does to come to London. I mean it seems quite unusual to think that
+it takes 6 days to come to London and only one day to come to Paris.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb88">[<a href="#pb88">88</a>]</span></p>
+<p>So Dorothy is quite upset because she did not want to come as she is madly in love
+with Gerald and Gerald said that we really ought not to leave London without going
+to see England while we happened to be here. But I told him that if England was the
+same kind of a place that London seems to be, I really know <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> much to bother with such a place. I mean we had quite a little quarrel because Gerald
+showed up at the station with a bangle for Dorothy so I told Dorothy she was well
+rid of such a person. So Dorothy had to come with me because Mr. Eisman is paying
+her expenses because he wants Dorothy to be my chaperone.
+</p>
+<p>So the last thing in London was the garden party. I sold quite a lot of red <span class="sic" title="Correction: balloons">baloons</span> and I sold a red <span class="sic" title="Correction: balloons">baloon</span> to Harry Lauder the famous Scotch gentleman who is the famous Scotch tenor for 20
+pounds. So Dorothy said I did not need to buy any ticket to Paris on the boat because
+if I could do that, I could walk across the channel.
+</p>
+<p>So Piggy does not know that we have gone but I sent him a letter and told him I would
+see him some time again some time. And I was really glad to get out of our rooms at
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb89">[<a href="#pb89">89</a>]</span>the Ritz—I mean 50 or 60 orchids really make a girl think of a funeral. So I cabled
+Mr. Eisman and I told him we could not learn anything in London because we knew to
+much, so if we went to Paris at least we could learn French, if we made up our mind
+to it.
+</p>
+<p>So I am really very very <span class="sic" title="Correction: intrigued">intreeged</span> as I have heard so much about Paris and I feel that it must be much more educational
+than London and I can hardly wait to see the Ritz hotel in Paris.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb93">[<a href="#pb93">93</a>]</span></p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div id="ch4" class="div1 chapter"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#xd31e279">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divHead">
+<h2 class="label">CHAPTER FOUR</h2>
+<h2 class="main">PARIS IS DEVINE</h2>
+</div>
+<div class="divBody">
+<p class="first dateentry"><i>April 27th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Paris is devine. I mean Dorothy and I got to Paris yesterday, and it really is devine.
+Because the French are devine. Because when we were coming off the boat, and we were
+coming through the customs, it was quite hot and it seemed to smell quite a lot and
+all the French gentlemen in the customs, were squealing quite a lot. So I looked around
+and I picked out a French gentleman who was really in a very gorgeous uniform and
+he seemed to be a very, very important gentleman and I gave him twenty francs worth
+of French money and he was very very gallant and he knocked everybody else down and
+took our bags right through the custom. Because I really think that twenty Francs
+is quite cheap for a gentleman that has got on at least $100 worth of gold braid on
+his coat alone, to speak nothing of his trousers.
+</p>
+<p>I mean the French gentlemen always seem <span class="pageNum" id="pb94">[<a href="#pb94">94</a>]</span>to be squealing quite a lot, especially taxi drivers when they only get a small size
+yellow dime called a ‘fifty santeems’ for a tip. But the good thing about French gentlemen
+is that every time a French gentleman starts in to squeal, you can always stop him
+with five francs, no matter who he is. I mean it is so refreshing to listen to a French
+gentleman stop squeaking, that it would really be quite a bargain even for ten francs.
+</p>
+<p>So we came to the Ritz Hotel and the Ritz Hotel is devine. Because when a girl can
+sit in a delightful bar and have delicious champagne cocktails and look at all the
+important French people in Paris, I think it is devine. I mean when a girl can sit
+there and look at the Dolly sisters and Pearl White and Maybelle Gilman Corey, and
+Mrs. Nash, it is beyond worlds. Because when a girl looks at Mrs. Nash and realizes
+what Mrs. Nash has got out of gentlemen, it really makes a girl hold her breath.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p095width"><img src="images/p095.jpg" alt="“If you turn your back on a monument and look up, you can see none other than Coty’s sign!”" width="537" height="273"><p class="figureHead">“<i>If you turn your back on a monument and look up, you can see none other than Coty’s
+sign!</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>And when a girl walks around and reads all of the signs with all of the famous historical
+names it really makes you hold your breath. Because when Dorothy and I went on a walk,
+we only walked a few blocks <span class="pageNum" id="pb95">[<a href="#pb95">95</a>]</span>but in only a few blocks we read all of the famous historical names, like Coty and
+Cartier and I knew we were seeing something educational at last and our whole trip
+was not a failure. I mean I really try to make Dorothy get educated and have reverance.
+So when we stood at the corner of a place called the Place Vandome, if you turn your
+back on a monument they have in the middle and look up, you can see none other than
+Coty’s sign. So I said to Dorothy, does it not really give you a thrill to realize
+that that is the historical spot where Mr. Coty makes all the perfume? So then Dorothy
+said that she supposed Mr. Coty came to Paris and he smelled Paris and he realized
+that something had to <span class="pageNum" id="pb96">[<a href="#pb96">96</a>]</span>be done. So Dorothy will really never have any reverance.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p096width"><img src="images/p096.jpg" alt="“It really seemed to be a bargain but Dorothy and I do not seem to be mathematical enough to tell how much franks is in money.”" width="535" height="272"><p class="figureHead">“<i>It really seemed to be a bargain but Dorothy and I do not seem to be mathematical
+enough to tell how much franks is in money.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>So then we saw a jewelry store and we saw some jewelry in the window and it really
+seemed to be a very very great bargain but the price marks all had francs on them
+and Dorothy and I do not seem to be mathematical enough to tell how much francs is
+in money. So we went in and asked and it seems it was only 20 dollars and it seems
+it is not diamonds but it is a thing called “paste” which is the name of a word which
+means imitations. So Dorothy said “paste” is the name of the word a girl ought to
+do to a gentleman that handed her one. I mean I <span class="pageNum" id="pb97">[<a href="#pb97">97</a>]</span>would really be embarrassed, but the gentleman did not seem to understand Dorothy’s
+english.
+</p>
+<p>So it really makes a girl feel depressed to think a girl could not tell that it was
+nothing but an imitation. I mean a gentleman could deceeve a girl because he could
+give her a present and it would only be worth 20 dollars. So when Mr. Eisman comes
+to Paris next week, if he wants to make me a present I will make him take me along
+with him because he is really quite an inveteran bargain hunter at heart. So the gentleman
+at the jewelry store said that quite a lot of famous girls in Paris had imitations
+of all their jewelry and they put the jewelry in the safe and they really wore the
+imitations, so they could wear it and have a good time. But I told him I thought that
+any girl who was a lady would not even think of having such a good time that she did
+not remember to hang on to her jewelry.
+</p>
+<p>So then we went back to the Ritz and unpacked our trunks with the aid of really a
+delightful waiter who brought us up some delicious luncheon and who is called Leon
+and who speaks english almost like an American <span class="pageNum" id="pb98">[<a href="#pb98">98</a>]</span>and who Dorothy and I talk to quite a lot. So Leon said that we ought not to stay
+around the Ritz all of the time, but we really ought to see Paris. So Dorothy said
+she would go down in the lobby and meet some gentleman to show us Paris. So in a couple
+of minutes she called up on the telephone from the lobby and she said “I have got
+a French bird down here who is a French title nobleman, who is called a veecount so
+come on down.” So I said “How did a Frenchman get into the Ritz.” So Dorothy said
+“He came in to get out of the rain and he has not noticed that it is stopped.” So
+I said “I suppose you have picked up something without taxi fare as usual. Why did
+you not get an American gentleman who always have money?” So Dorothy said she thought
+a French gentleman had ought to know Paris better. So I said “He does not even know
+it is not raining.” But I went down.
+</p>
+<p>So the veecount was really delightful after all. So then we rode around and we saw
+Paris and we saw how devine it really is. I mean the Eyefull Tower is devine and it
+is much more educational than the London Tower, because you can not even see the London
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb99">[<a href="#pb99">99</a>]</span>Tower if you happen to be two blocks away. But when a girl looks at the Eyefull Tower
+she really knows she is looking at something. And it would even be very difficult
+not to notice the Eyefull Tower.
+</p>
+<p>So then we went to a place called the Madrid to tea and it really was devine. I mean
+we saw the Dolley Sisters and Pearl White and Mrs. Corey and Mrs. Nash all over again.
+</p>
+<p>So then we went to dinner and then we went to Momart and it really was devine because
+we saw them all over again. I mean in Momart they have genuine American jazz bands
+and quite a lot of New York people which we knew and you really would think you were
+in New York and it was devine. So we came back to the Ritz quite late. So Dorothy
+and I had quite a little quarrel because Dorothy said that when we were looking at
+Paris I asked the French veecount what was the name of the unknown soldier who is
+buried under quite a large monument. So I said I really did not mean to ask him, if
+I did, because what I did mean to ask him was, what was the name of his mother <span class="pageNum" id="pb100">[<a href="#pb100">100</a>]</span>because it is always the mother of a dead soldier that I always seem to think about
+more than the dead soldier that has died.
+</p>
+<p>So the French veecount is going to call up in the morning but I am not going to see
+him again. Because French gentlemen are really quite deceeving. I mean they take you
+to quite cute places and they make you feel quite good about yourself and you really
+seem to have a delightful time but when you get home and come to think it all over,
+all you have got is a fan that only cost 20 francs and a doll that they gave you away
+for nothing in a restaurant. I mean a girl has to look out in Paris, or she would
+have such a good time in Paris that she would not get anywheres. So I really think
+that American gentlemen are the best after all, because kissing your hand may make
+you feel very very good but a diamond and safire bracelet lasts forever. Besides,
+I do not think that I ought to go out with any gentlemen in Paris because Mr. Eisman
+will be here next week and he told me that the only kind of gentlemen he wants me
+to go out with are intelectual gentlemen who are good for a girls brains. So I really
+do not seem to see many <span class="pageNum" id="pb102">[<a href="#pb102">102</a>]</span>gentlemen around the Ritz who seem to look like they would be good for a girl’s brains.
+So tomorrow we are going to go shopping and I suppose it would really be to much to
+expect to find a gentleman who would look to Mr. Eisman like he was good for a girls
+brains and at the same time he would like to take us shopping.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p101width"><img src="images/p101.jpg" alt="“Kissing your hand may make you feel very good but a diamond bracelet lasts forever.”" width="370" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>Kissing your hand may make you feel very good but a diamond bracelet lasts forever.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 29th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Yesterday was quite a day. I mean Dorothy and I were getting ready to go shopping
+and the telephone rang and they said that Lady Francis Beekman was down stairs and
+she wanted to come up stairs. So I really was quite surprised. I mean I did not know
+what to say, so I said all right. So then I told Dorothy and then we put our brains
+together. Because it seems that Lady Francis Beekman is the wife of the gentleman
+called Sir Francis Beekman who was the admirer of mine in London who seemed to admire
+me so much that he asked me if he could make me a present of a diamond tiara. So it
+seemed as if his wife must have heard about it, and it really seemed as if she must
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb103">[<a href="#pb103">103</a>]</span>have come clear over from London about it. So there was a very very loud knock at
+the door so we asked her to come in. So Lady Francis Beekman came in and she is a
+quite large size lady who seems to resemble Bill Hart quite a lot. I mean Dorothy
+thinks that Lady Francis Beeckman resembles Bill Hart quite a lot, only she really
+thinks she looks more like Bill Hart’s horse. So it seems that she said that if I
+did not give her back the diamond tiara right away, she would make quite a fuss and
+she would ruin my reputation. Because she said that something really must be wrong
+about the whole thing. Because it seems that Sir Francis Beekman and she have been
+married for 35 years and the last present he gave to her was a wedding ring. So Dorothy
+spoke up and she said “Lady you could no more ruin my girl friends reputation than
+you could sink the Jewish fleet.” I mean I was quite proud of Dorothy the way she
+stood up for my reputation. Because I really think that there is nothing so wonderful
+as two girls when they stand up for each other and help each other a lot. Because
+no matter how vigarous Lady Francis Beekman seems to be, she had to realize that she
+could not <span class="pageNum" id="pb104">[<a href="#pb104">104</a>]</span>sink a whole fleet full of ships. So she had to stop talking against my reputation.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p104width"><img src="images/p104.jpg" alt="“Dorothy said ‘You have got to be the Queen of England to get away with a hat like that.’”" width="544" height="276"><p class="figureHead">“<i>Dorothy said ‘You have got to be the Queen of England to get away with a hat like
+that.’</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>So then she said she would drag it into the court and she would say that it was undue
+influence. So I said to her, “If you wear that hat into a court, we will see if the
+judge thinks it took an undue influence to make Sir Francis Beekman look at a girl.”
+So then Dorothy spoke up and Dorothy said “My girl friend is right, Lady. You have
+got to be the Queen of England to get away with a hat like that.” So Lady Francis
+Beekman seemed to get quite angry. So then she said she would send for Sir Francis
+Beekman where he suddenly went to Scotland, to go hunting when he found out that Lady
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb105">[<a href="#pb105">105</a>]</span>Francis Beekman had found out. So Dorothy said “Do you mean that you have left Sir
+Francis Beekman loose with all those spendthrifts down in Scotland?” So Dorothy said
+she would better look out or he would get together with the boys some night and simply
+massacre a haypenny. I mean I always encouradge Dorothy to talk quite a lot when we
+are talking to unrefined people like Lady Francis Beekman, because Dorothy speaks
+their own languadge to unrefined people better than a refined girl like I. So Dorothy
+said, “You had better not send for Sir Francis Beekman because if my girl friend really
+wanted to turn loose on Sir Francis Beekman, all he would have left would be his title.”
+So then I spoke right up and said Yes that I was an American girl and we American
+girls do not care about a title because we American girls always say that what is
+good enough for Washington is good enough for us. So Lady Francis Beekman really seemed
+to get more angry and more angry all of the time.
+</p>
+<p>So then she said that if it was necessary, she would tell the judge that Sir Francis
+Beekman went out of his mind when he gave <span class="pageNum" id="pb106">[<a href="#pb106">106</a>]</span>it to me. So Dorothy said “Lady, if you go into a court and if the judge gets a good
+look at you, he will think that Sir Francis Beekman was out of his mind 35 years ago.”
+So then Lady Francis Beekman said she knew what kind of a person she had to deal with
+and she would not deal with any such a person because she said it hurt her dignity.
+So Dorothy said “Lady, if we hurt your dignity like you hurt our eyesight I hope for
+your sake, you are a Christian science.” So that seemed to make Lady Francis Beekman
+angry. So she said she would turn it all over to her soliciter. So when she went out
+she tripped over quite a long train which she had on her skirt and she nearly fell
+down. So Dorothy leaned out of the door and Dorothy called down the hall and said,
+“Take a tuck in that skirt Isabel, its 1925.” So I really felt quite depressed because
+I felt as if our whole morning was really very unrefined just because we had to mix
+with such an unrefined lady as Lady Francis Beekman.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 30th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>So sure enough yesterday morning Lady Francis Beekman’s solicitor came. Only he <span class="pageNum" id="pb107">[<a href="#pb107">107</a>]</span>really was not a solicitor, but his name was on a card and it seems his name is Mons.
+Broussard and it seems that he is an advocat because an advocat is a lawyer in the
+French <span class="sic" title="Correction: language">landguage</span>. So Dorothy and I were getting dressed and we were in our <span class="sic" title="Correction: negligee">negligay</span> as usual when there was quite a loud knock on the door and before we could even say
+come in he jumped right into the room. So it seems that he is of French extraction.
+I mean Lady Francis Beekman’s solicitor can really squeal just like a taxi driver.
+I mean he was squealing quite loud when he jumped into the room and he kept right
+on squealing. So Dorothy and I rushed into the parlor and Dorothy looked at him and
+Dorothy said, “This town has got to stop playing jokes on us every morning” because
+our nerves could not stand it. So Mons. Broussard handed us his card and he squealed
+and squealed and he really waved his arms in the air quite a lot. So Dorothy said
+He gives quite a good imitation of the Moulan Rouge, which is really a red wind mill,
+only Dorothy said he makes more noise and he runs on his own wind. So we stood and
+watched him for quite a long while, but he seemed to get quite monotonous <span class="pageNum" id="pb108">[<a href="#pb108">108</a>]</span>after quite a long while because he was always talking in French, which really means
+nothing to us. So Dorothy said “Lets see if 25 francs will stop him, because if 5
+francs will stop a taxi driver, 25 francs ought to stop an advocat.” Because he was
+making about 5 times as much noise as a taxi driver and 5 times 5 is 25. So as soon
+as he heard us start in to talk about francs he seemed to calm down quite a little.
+So Dorothy got her pocket book and she gave him 25 francs. So then he stopped squealing
+and he put it in his pocket, but then he got out quite a large size handkerchief with
+purple elefants on it and he started in to cry. So Dorothy really got discouraged
+and she said<span class="corr" id="xd31e1033" title="Source: .">,</span> “Look here, you have given us a quite an amusing morning but if you keep that up
+much longer, wet or dry, out you go.”
+</p>
+<p>So then he started in to pointing at the telephone and he seemed to want to use the
+telephone and Dorothy said, “If you think you can get a number over that thing, go
+to it, but as far as we have found out, it is a wall bracket.” So then he started
+in to telephone so Dorothy and I went about our business to get dressed. So when he
+finished telephoning <span class="pageNum" id="pb109">[<a href="#pb109">109</a>]</span>he kept running to my door and then he kept running to Dorothy’s door, and he kept
+on crying and talking a lot, but he seemed to have lost all of his novelty to us so
+we paid no more attention to him.
+</p>
+<p>So finally there was another loud knock on the door so we heard him rush to the door
+so we both went in to the parlor to see what it was and it really was a sight. Because
+it was another Frenchman. So the new Frenchman rushed in and he yelled Papa and he
+kissed him. So it seems that it was his son because his son is really his papa’s partner
+in the advocat business. So then his papa talked quite a lot and then he pointed at
+I and Dorothy. So then his son looked at us and then his son let out quite a large
+size squeal, and he said in French “May papa, elles sont sharmant.” So it seems he
+was telling his papa in French that we were really charming. So then Mons. Broussard
+stopped crying and put on his glasses and took a good look at us. So then his son
+put up the window shade, so his papa could get a better look at us. So when his papa
+had finished looking at us he really became delighted. So he became all smiles and
+he pinched our cheeks <span class="pageNum" id="pb110">[<a href="#pb110">110</a>]</span>and he kept on saying Sharmant all of the time because Sharmant means charming in
+the French languadge. So then his son broke right out into english and he really speaks
+english as good as an American. So then he told us his papa telephoned for him to
+come over because we did not seem to understand what his papa was saying to us. So
+it seems that Mons. Broussard had been talking to us in english all of the time but
+we did not seem to understand his kind of english. So Dorothy said, “If what your
+papa was talking in was english, I could get a gold medal for my greek.” So then his
+son told his papa and his papa laughed very very loud and he pinched Dorothys cheek
+and he was very delighted even if the joke was on him. So then Dorothy and I asked
+his son what he was saying, when he was talking to us in english and his son said
+he was telling us all about his client, Lady Francis Beekman. So then we asked his
+son why his papa kept crying. So then his son said his papa kept crying because he
+was thinking about Lady Francis Beekman. So Dorothy said, “If he cries when he thinks
+about her, what does he do when he looks at her?” So <span class="pageNum" id="pb111">[<a href="#pb111">111</a>]</span>then his son explained to his papa what Dorothy said. So then Mons. Broussard laughed
+very very loud, so then he kissed Dorothy’s hand, so he said, after that, we would
+all really have to have a bottle of champagne. So he went to the telephone and ordered
+a bottle of champagne.
+</p>
+<p>So then his son said to his papa, “Why do we not ask the charming ladies to go out
+to Fountainblo to-day.” So his papa said it would be charming. So then I said, “How
+are we going to tell you gentlemen apart, because if it is the same in Paris as it
+is in America, you would both seem to be Monshure Broussard.<span class="corr" id="xd31e1048" title="Not in source">”</span> So then we got the idea to call them by their first name. So it seems that his son’s
+name is Louie so Dorothy spoke up and said, “I hear that they number all of you Louies
+over here in Paris.” Because a girl is always hearing some one talk about Louie the
+sixteenth who seemed to be in the anteek furniture business. I mean I was surprised
+to hear Dorothy get so historical so she may really be getting educated in spite of
+everything. But Dorothy told Louie he need not try to figure out his number because
+she got it the minute she looked at him. So it seems <span class="pageNum" id="pb112">[<a href="#pb112">112</a>]</span>his papa’s name is Robber, which means Robert in French. So Dorothy started in to
+think about her 25 francs and she said to Robber, “Your mother certainly knew her
+<span class="sic" title="Correction: grammar">grammer</span> when she called you that.”
+</p>
+<p>So Dorothy said we might as well go out to Fountainblo with Louie and Robber if Louie
+would take off his yellow spats that were made out of yellow shammy skin with pink
+pearl buttons. Because Dorothy said, “Fun is fun but no girl wants to laugh all of
+the time.” So Louie is really always anxious to please, so he took off his spats but
+when he took off his spats, we saw his socks and when we saw his socks we saw that
+they were Scotch plaid with small size rainbows running through them. So Dorothy looked
+at them a little while and she really became quite discouraged and she said, “Well
+Louie, I think you had better put your spats back on.”
+</p>
+<p>So then Leon, our friend who is the waiter, came in with the bottle of champagne.
+So while he was opening the bottle of champagne Louie and Robber talked together in
+French quite a lot and I really think I had ought to find out what they said in French
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb113">[<a href="#pb113">113</a>]</span>because it might be about the diamond tiara. Because French gentlemen are very very
+gallant, but I really do not think a girl can trust one of them around a corner. So,
+when I get a chance, I am going to ask Leon what they said.
+</p>
+<p>So then we went to Fountainblo and then we went to Momart and we got home very late,
+and we really had quite a delightful day and night, even if we did not go out shopping
+and buy anything. But I really think we ought to do more shopping because shopping
+really seems to be what Paris is principaly for.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>May 1st</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well this morning I sent for Leon, who is Dorothy and my waiter friend, and I asked
+him what Louie and Robber said in French. So it seems that they said in French that
+we seemed to attract them very very much because they really thought that we were
+very very charming, and they had not met girls that were so charming in quite a long
+time. So it seems that they said that they would ask us out a lot and that they would
+charge up <span class="pageNum" id="pb114">[<a href="#pb114">114</a>]</span>all the bills to Lady Francis Beekman because they would watch for their chance and
+they would steal the diamond tiara. So then they said that even if they could not
+steal it from us, we were really so charming that it would be delightful to go around
+with us, even if they could not steal from us. So no matter what happens they really
+could not lose. Because it seems that Lady Francis Beekman would be glad to pay all
+the bills when they told her they had to take us out a lot so they could watch for
+their chance and steal it. Because Lady Francis Beekman is the kind of a wealthy lady
+that does not spend money on anything else but she will always spend money on a law
+suit. And she really would not mind spending the money because it seems that something
+either I or Dorothy said to Lady Francis Beekman seemed to make her angry.
+</p>
+<p>So then I decided it was time to do some thinking and I really thought quite a lot.
+So I told Dorothy I thought I would put the real diamond tiara in the safe at the
+Ritz and then I would buy an imitation of a diamond tiara at the jewelry store that
+has the imitations that are called paste. So then I would <span class="pageNum" id="pb115">[<a href="#pb115">115</a>]</span>leave the imitation of the diamond tiara lying around, so Louie and Robber could see
+how careless I seem to be with it so then they would get full of encouradgement. So
+when we go out with Louie and Robber I could put it in my hand bag and I could take
+it with me so Louie and Robber could always feel that the diamond tiara was within
+reach. So then Dorothy and I could get them to go shopping and we could get them to
+spend quite a lot and every time they seemed to get discouradged, I could open my
+hand bag, and let them get a glimpse of the imitation of a diamond tiara and they
+would become more encouradged and then they would spend some more money. Because I
+even might let them steal it at the last, because they were really charming gentlemen
+after all and I really would like to help Louie and Robber. I mean it would be quite
+amusing for them to steal it for Lady Francis Beekman and she would have to pay them
+quite a lot and then she would find out it was only made out of paste after all. Because
+Lady Francis Beekman has never seen the real diamond tiara and the imitation of a
+diamond tiara would really deceive her, at least until Louie <span class="pageNum" id="pb116">[<a href="#pb116">116</a>]</span>and Robber got all of their money for all of the hard work they did. I mean the imitation
+of a diamond tiara would only cost about 65 dollars and what is 65 dollars if Dorothy
+and I could do some delightful shopping and get some delightful presents that would
+even seem more delightful when we stopped to realize that Lady Francis Beekman paid
+for them. And it would teach Lady Francis Beekman a lesson not to say what she said
+to two American girls like I and Dorothy, who were all alone in Paris and had no gentleman
+to protect them.
+</p>
+<p>So when I got through telling Dorothy what I thought up, Dorothy looked at me and
+looked at me and she really said she thought my brains were a miracle. I mean she
+said my brains reminded her of a radio because you listen to it for days and days
+and you get discouradged and just when you are getting ready to smash it, something
+comes out that is a masterpiece.
+</p>
+<p>So then Louie called us up so Dorothy told him that we thought it would be delightful
+if he and Robber would take us out shopping tomorrow morning. So then Louie asked
+his papa and his papa said they would. So then <span class="pageNum" id="pb117">[<a href="#pb117">117</a>]</span>they asked us if we would like to go to see a play called The Foley Bergere tonight.
+So he said that all of the French people who live in Paris are always delighted to
+have some Americans, so it will give them an excuse to go to the Foley Bergere. So
+we said we would go. So now Dorothy and I are going out shopping to buy the imitation
+of a diamond tiara and we are going out window shopping to pick out where we would
+like Louie and Robber to take us shopping tomorrow.
+</p>
+<p>So I really think that everything always works out for the best. Because after all,
+we really need some gentlemen to take us around until Mr. Eisman gets to Paris and
+we could not go around with any really attractive gentlemen because Mr. Eisman only
+wants me to go out with gentlemen that have brains. So I said to Dorothy that, even
+if Louie and Robber do not look so full of brains, we could tell Mr. Eisman that all
+we were learning from them was French. So even if I have not seemed to learn French
+yet, I have really almost learned to understand Robbers english so when Robber talks
+in front of Mr. Eisman and I seem to understand <span class="pageNum" id="pb118">[<a href="#pb118">118</a>]</span>what he is saying, Mr. Eisman will probably think I know French.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>May 2nd</i>:
+</p>
+<p>So last night we went to the Foley Bergere and it really was <span class="sic" title="Correction: divine">devine</span>. I mean it was very very artistic because it had girls in it that were in the nude.
+So one of the girls was a friend of Louie and he said that she was a very very nice
+girl, and that she was only 18 years of age. So Dorothy said, “She is slipping it
+over on you Louie, because how could a girl get such dirty knees in only 18 years?”
+So Louie and Robber really laughed very very loud. I mean Dorothy was very unrefined
+at the Foley Bergere. But I always think that when girls are in the nude it is very
+artistic and if you have artistic thoughts you think it is beautiful and I really
+would not laugh in an artistic place like the Foley Bergere.
+</p>
+<p>So I wore the imitation of a diamond tiara to the Foley Bergere. I mean it really
+would <span class="sic" title="Correction: deceive">deceeve</span> an expert and Louie and Robber could hardly take their eyes off of it. But they did
+not really annoy me because I had it tied on very very tight. I mean it would be <span class="pageNum" id="pb120">[<a href="#pb120">120</a>]</span>fatal if they got the diamond tiara before Dorothy and I took them shopping a lot.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p119width"><img src="images/p119.jpg" alt="“Dorothy was very unrefined at the Foley Bergere.”" width="368" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>Dorothy was very unrefined at the Foley Bergere.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>So we are all ready to go shopping this morning and Robber was here bright and early
+and he is in the parlor with Dorothy and we are waiting for Louie. So I left the daimond
+tiara on the table in the parlor so Robber could see how careless I really am with
+everything but Dorothy is keeping her eye on Robber. So I just heard Louie come in
+because I heard him kissing Robber. I mean Louie is always kissing Robber and Dorothy
+told Louie that if he did not stop kissing Robber, people would think that he painted
+batiks.
+</p>
+<p>So now I must join the others and I will put the diamond tiara in my hand bag so that
+Louie and Robber will feel that it is always around and we will all go shopping. And
+I almost have to smile when I think of Lady Francis Beekman.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>May 3rd</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Yesterday was really delightful. I mean Louie and Robber bought Dorothy and I some
+delightful presents. But then they began to run out of all the franks they had with
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb121">[<a href="#pb121">121</a>]</span>them, so they began to get discouradged but just as soon as they began to get discouradged,
+I gave Robber my hand bag to hold while I went to the fitting room to try on a blouse.
+So he was cheered up quite a lot, but of course Dorothy stayed with them and kept
+her eye on Robber so he did not get a chance. But it really cheered him up quite a
+lot to even hold it.
+</p>
+<p>So after all their franks were gone, Robber said he would have to telephone to some
+one, so I suppose he telephoned to Lady Francis Beekman and she must have said All
+right because Robber left us at a place called the Cafe de la Paix because he had
+to go on an errand and when he came back from his errand he seemed to have quite a
+lot more franks. So then they took us to luncheon so that after luncheon we could
+go out shopping some more.
+</p>
+<p>But I am really learning quite a lot of French in spite of everything. I mean if you
+want delicious chicken and peas for luncheon all you have to say is “pettypas” and
+<span class="corr" id="xd31e1119" title="Source: ‘">“</span>pulle.” I mean French is really very easy, for instance the French use the word “sheik”
+for everything, while we only seem to use it <span class="pageNum" id="pb122">[<a href="#pb122">122</a>]</span>for gentlemen when they seem to resemble Rudolf Valentino.
+</p>
+<p>So while we were shopping in the afternoon I saw Louie get Dorothy off in a corner
+and whisper to her quite a lot. So then I saw Robber get her off in a corner and whisper
+to her quite a lot. So when we got back to the Ritz, Dorothy told me why they whispered
+to her. So it seems when Louie whispered to Dorothy, Louie told Dorothy that if she
+would steal the diamond tiara from me and give it to him and not let his papa know,
+he would give her 1000 franks. Because it seems that Lady Francis Beekman has got
+her heart set on it and she will pay quite a lot for it because she is quite angry
+and when she really gets as angry as she is, she is only a woman with one idea. So
+if Louie could get it and his papa would not find it out, he could keep all the money
+for himself. So it seems that later on, when Robber was whispering to Dorothy, he
+was making her the same proposition for 2000 franks so that Louie would not find out
+and Robber could keep all the money for himself. So I really think it would be delightful
+if Dorothy could make some money for herself because it might make <span class="pageNum" id="pb123">[<a href="#pb123">123</a>]</span>Dorothy get some ambishions. So tomorrow morning Dorothy is going to take the diamond
+tiara and she is going to tell Louie that she stole it and she is going to sell it
+to Louie. But she will make him hand over the money first and then, just as she is
+going to hand over the diamond tiara, I am going to walk in on them and say, “Oh there
+is my diamond tiara. I have been looking for it everywhere.” So then I will get it
+back. So then she will tell him that she might just as well keep the 1000 franks because
+she will steal it for him again in the afternoon. So in the afternoon she is going
+to sell it to Robber and I really think we will let Robber keep it. Because I am quite
+fond of Robber. I mean he is quite a sweet old gentleman and it is really refreshing
+the way he and his son love one another. Because even if it is unusual for an American
+to see a French gentleman always kissing his father, I really think it is refreshing
+and I think that we Americans would be better off if we American fathers and sons
+would love one another more like Louie and Robber.
+</p>
+<p>So Dorothy and I have quite a lot of delightful hand bags and stockings and handkerchiefs
+and scarfs and things and some <span class="pageNum" id="pb124">[<a href="#pb124">124</a>]</span>quite cute models of evening gowns that are all covered with imitations of diamonds,
+only they do not call them “paste” when they are on a dress but they call them “diamonteys”
+and I really think a girl looks quite cute when she is covered all over with “diamonteys.”
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>May 5th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>So yesterday morning Dorothy sold the imitation of a diamond tiara to Louie. So then
+we got it back. So in the afternoon we all went out to Versigh. I mean Louie and Robber
+were quite delighted not to go shopping any more so I suppose that Lady Francis Beekman
+really thinks that there is a limit to almost everything. So I took Louie for a walk
+at Versigh so that Dorothy would have a chance to sell it to Robber. So then she sold
+it to Robber. So then he put it in his pocket. But when we were coming home I got
+to thinking things over and I really got to thinking that an imitation of a diamond
+tiara was quite a good thing to have after all. I mean especially if a girl goes around
+a lot in Paris, with admirers who are of the French extraction. And after all, I really
+do not think a girl ought to encouradge Robber to <span class="pageNum" id="pb125">[<a href="#pb125">125</a>]</span>steal something from two American girls who are all alone in Paris and have no gentleman
+to protect them. So I asked Dorothy which pocket Robber put it in, so I sat next to
+him in the automobile coming home and I took it out.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p125width"><img src="images/p125.jpg" alt="“So then Robber started in to squeal once more.”" width="535" height="272"><p class="figureHead">“<i>So then Robber started in to squeal once more.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>So we were in quite a quaint restaurant for dinner when Robber put his hand in his
+pocket and then he started in to squeal once more. So it seems he had lost something,
+so he and Louie had one of their regular squealing and shoulder shrugging matches.
+But Louie told his papa that he did not steal it out of his papa’s pocket. But then
+Robber started in to cry to think that his son would steal something out of his own
+papa’s pocket. <span class="pageNum" id="pb126">[<a href="#pb126">126</a>]</span>So after Dorothy and I had had about all we could stand, I told them all about it.
+I mean I really felt sorry for Robber so I told him not to cry any more because it
+was nothing but paste after all. So then I showed it to them. So then Louie and Robber
+looked at Dorothy and I and they really held their breath. So I suppose that most
+of the girls in Paris do not have such brains as we American girls.
+</p>
+<p>So after it was all over, Louie and Robber seemed to be so depressed that I really
+felt sorry for them. So I got an idea. So I told them that we would all go out tomorrow
+to the imitation of a jewelry store and they could buy another imitation of a diamond
+tiara to give to Lady Francis Beekman and they could get the man in the jewelry store
+to put on the bill that it was a hand bag and they could charge the bill to Lady Francis
+Beekman along with the other expenses. Because Lady Francis Beekman had never seen
+the real diamond tiara anyway. So Dorothy spoke up and Dorothy said that as far as
+Lady Francis Beekman would know about diamonds, you could nick off a piece of ice
+and give it to her, only it would melt. So <span class="pageNum" id="pb127">[<a href="#pb127">127</a>]</span>then Robber looked at me and looked at me, and he reached over and kissed me on the
+forehead in a way that was really full of reverance.
+</p>
+<p>So then we had quite a delightful evening. I mean because we all seem to understand
+one another because, after all, Dorothy and I could really have a platonick friendship
+with gentlemen like Louie and Robber. I mean there seems to be something common between
+us, especially when we all get to thinking about Lady Francis Beekman.
+</p>
+<p>So they are going to charge Lady Francis Beekman quite a lot of money when they give
+her the imitation of a diamond tiara and I told Robber if she seems to complane, to
+ask her, if she knew that Sir Francis Beekman sent me 10 pounds worth of orchids every
+day while we were in London. So that would make her so angry that she would be glad
+to pay almost anything to get the diamond tiara.
+</p>
+<p>So when Lady Francis Beekman pays them all the money, Louie and Robber are going to
+give us a dinner in our honor at Ciros. So when Mr. Eisman gets here on Saturday,
+Dorothy and I are going to make Mr. Eisman give Louie and Robber a dinner in their
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb128">[<a href="#pb128">128</a>]</span>honor at Ciros because of the way they helped us when we were two American girls all
+alone in Paris and could not even speak the French landguage.
+</p>
+<p>So Louie and Robber asked us to come to a party at their sister’s house today but
+Dorothy says we had better not go because it is raining and we both have brand new
+umbrellas that are quite cute and Dorothy says she would not think of leaving a brand
+new umbrella in a French lady’s hall and it is no fun to hang on to an umbrella all
+the time you are at a party. So we had better be on the safe side and stay away. So
+we called up Louie and told him we had a headache but we thanked him for all of his
+hospitality. Because it is the way all the French people like Louie and Robber are
+so hospitable to we Americans that really makes Paris so devine.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb131">[<a href="#pb131">131</a>]</span></p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div id="ch5" class="div1 chapter"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#xd31e289">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divHead">
+<h2 class="label">CHAPTER FIVE</h2>
+<h2 class="main">THE CENTRAL OF EUROPE</h2>
+</div>
+<div class="divBody">
+<p class="first dateentry"><i>May 16th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>I really have not written in my diary for quite a long time, because Mr. Eisman arrived
+in Paris and when Mr. Eisman is in Paris we really do not seem to do practically anything
+else but the same thing.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p131width"><img src="images/p131.jpg" alt="“When Mr. Eisman is in Paris we do not do anything else but the same thing.”" width="543" height="275"><p class="figureHead">“<i>When Mr. Eisman is in Paris we do not do anything else but the same thing.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>I mean we go shopping and we go to a show and we go to Momart and when a girl is always
+going with Mr. Eisman nothing practically happens. And I did not even bother to learn
+any more French because I <span class="pageNum" id="pb132">[<a href="#pb132">132</a>]</span>always seem to think it is better to leave French to those that can not do anything
+else but talk French. So finally Mr. Eisman seemed to lose quite a lot of interest
+in all of my shopping. So he heard about a button factory that was for sale quite
+cheaply in Vienna and as Mr. Eisman is in the button profession, he thought it would
+be a quite good thing to have a button factory in Vienna so he went to Vienna and
+he said he did not care if he did not ever see the rue de la Paix again. So he said
+if he thought Vienna would be good for a girl’s brains, he would send for Dorothy
+and I and we could meet him at Vienna and learn something. Because Mr. Eisman really
+wants me to get educated more than anything else, especially shopping.
+</p>
+<p>So now we have a telegram, and Mr. Eisman says in the telegram for Dorothy and I to
+take an oriental express because we really ought to see the central of Europe because
+we American girls have quite a lot to learn in the central of Europe. So Dorothy says
+if Mr. Eisman wants us to see the central of Europe she bets there is not a rue de
+la Paix in the whole central of Europe.
+</p>
+<p>So Dorothy and I are going to take an <span class="pageNum" id="pb133">[<a href="#pb133">133</a>]</span>oriental express tomorrow and I really think it is quite unusual for two American
+girls like I and Dorothy to take an oriental express all alone, because it seems that
+in the Central of Europe they talk some other kinds of <span class="sic" title="Correction: languages">landguages</span> which we do not understand besides French. But I always think that there is nearly
+always some gentleman who will protect two American girls like I and Dorothy who are
+all alone and who are traveling in the Central of Europe to get educated.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>May 17th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>So now we are on an oriental express and everything seems to be quite unusual. I mean
+Dorothy and I got up this morning and we looked out of the window of our compartment
+and it was really quite unusual. Because it was farms, and we saw quite a lot of girls
+who seemed to be putting small size hay stacks onto large size hay stacks while their
+husbands seemed to sit at a table under quite a shady tree and drink beer. Or else
+their husbands seemed to sit on a fence and smoke their pipe and watch them. So Dorothy
+and I looked at two girls who seemed to be ploughing up all of the ground with only
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb134">[<a href="#pb134">134</a>]</span>the aid of a cow and Dorothy said, “I think we girls have gone one step <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> far away from New York, because it begins to look to me as if the Central of Europe
+is no country for we girls.” So we both became quite worried. I mean I became quite
+depressed because if this is what Mr. Eisman thinks we American girls ought to learn
+I really think it is quite depressing. So I do not think we care to meet any gentlemen
+who have been born and raised in the Central of Europe. I mean the more I travel and
+the more I seem to see other gentlemen the more I seem to think of American gentlemen.
+</p>
+<p>So now I am going to get dressed and go to the dining car and look for some American
+gentleman and hold a conversation, because I really feel so depressed. I mean Dorothy
+keeps trying to depress me because she keeps saying that I will probably end up in
+a farm in the Central of Europe doing a sister act with a plough. Because Dorothy’s
+jokes are really very unrefined and I think that I will feel much better if I go to
+the dining car and have some luncheon.
+</p>
+<hr class="tb"><p>
+</p>
+<p>Well I went to the dining car and I met a <span class="pageNum" id="pb135">[<a href="#pb135">135</a>]</span>gentleman who was quite a delightful American gentleman, I mean it was quite a co-instance,
+because we girls have always heard about Henry Spoffard and it was really nobody else
+but the famous Henry Spoffard, who is the famous Spoffard family, who is a very very
+fine old family who is very very wealthy. I mean Mr. Spoffard is one of the most famous
+familys in New York and he is not like most gentlemen who are wealthy, but he works
+all of the time for the good of the others. I mean he is the gentleman who always
+gets his picture in all of the newspapers because he is always senshuring all of the
+plays that are not good for peoples morals. And all of we girls remember the time
+when he was in the Ritz for luncheon and he met a gentleman friend of his and the
+gentleman friend had Peggy Hopkins Joyce to luncheon and he introduced Peggy Hopkins
+Joyce to Mr. Spoffard and Mr. Spoffard turned on his heels and walked away. Because
+Mr. Spoffard is a very very famous Prespyterian and he is really much to Prespyterian
+to meet Peggy Hopkins Joyce. I mean it is unusual to see a gentleman who is such a
+young gentleman as Mr. Spoffard be so Prespyterian, <span class="pageNum" id="pb136">[<a href="#pb136">136</a>]</span>because when most gentlemen are 35 years of age their minds nearly always seem to
+be on something else.
+</p>
+<p>So when I saw no one else but the famous Mr. Spoffard I really became quite thrilled.
+Because all of we girls have tried very hard to have an introduction to Henry Spoffard
+and it was quite unusual to be shut up on a train in the Central of Europe with him.
+So I thought it would be quite unusual for a girl like I to have a friendship with
+a gentleman like Mr. Spoffard, who really does not even look at a girl unless she
+at least looks like a <span class="sic" title="Correction: Presbyterian">Prespyterian</span>. And I mean our family in Little Rock were really not so <span class="sic" title="Correction: Presbyterian">Prespyterians</span>.
+</p>
+<p>So I thought I would sit at his table. So then I had to ask him about all of the money
+because all of the money they use in the Central of Europe has not even got so much
+sense to it as the kind of franks they use in Paris. Because it seems to be called
+kronens and it seems to take quite a lot of them because it takes 50,000 of them to
+even buy a small size package of cigarettes and Dorothy says if the cigarettes had
+tobacco in them, we couldn’t lift enough kronens over a counter to pay for <span class="pageNum" id="pb137">[<a href="#pb137">137</a>]</span>a package. So this morning Dorothy and I asked the porter to bring us a bottle of
+champagne and we really did not know what to give him for a tip. So Dorothy said for
+me to take one of the things called a one million kronens and she would take one of
+them called a one million kronens and I would give him mine first and if he gave me
+quite a dirty look, she would give him hers. So after we paid for the bottle of champagne
+I gave him my one million kronens and before we could do anything else he started
+in to grabbing my hand and kissing my hand and getting down on his knees. So we finally
+had to push him right out of the compartment. So one million kronens seemed to be
+enough. So I told Mr. Spoffard how we did not know what to give the porter when he
+brought us our bottle of minral water. So then I asked him to tell me all about all
+of the money because I told him I always seem to think that a penny earned was a penny
+saved. So it really was quite unusual because Mr. Spoffard said that that was his
+favorite motto.
+</p>
+<hr class="tb"><p>
+</p>
+<p>So then we got to talking quite a lot and I told him that I was traveling to get educated
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb138">[<a href="#pb138">138</a>]</span>and I told him I had a girl with me who I was trying to reform because I thought if
+she would put her mind more on getting educated, she would get more reformed. Because
+after all Mr. Spoffard will have to meet Dorothy sooner or later and he might wonder
+what a refined girl like I was doing with a girl like Dorothy. So Mr. Spoffard really
+became quite <span class="sic" title="Correction: intrigued">intreeged</span>. Because Mr. Spoffard loves to reform people and he loves to <span class="sic" title="Correction: censure">senshure</span> everything and he really came over to Europe to look at all the things that Americans
+come over to Europe to look at, when they really should not look at them but they
+should look at all of the museums instead. Because if that is all we Americans come
+to Europe to look at, we should stay home and look at America first. So Mr. Spoffard
+spends all of his time looking at things that spoil <span class="sic" title="Correction: people’s">peoples</span> morals. So Mr. Spoffard really must have very very strong morals or else all the
+things that spoil other <span class="sic" title="Correction: people’s">peoples</span> morals would spoil his morals. But they do not seem to spoil Mr. <span class="sic" title="Correction: Spoffard’s">Spoffards</span> morals and I really think it is wonderful to have such strong morals. So I told Mr.
+Spoffard that I thought that civilization is not what it ought to be and we <span class="pageNum" id="pb139">[<a href="#pb139">139</a>]</span>really ought to have something else to take its place.
+</p>
+<p>So Mr. Spoffard said that he would come to call on Dorothy and I in our compartment
+this afternoon and we would talk it all over, if his mother does not seem to need
+him in her compartment. Because Mr. Spoffards mother always travels with Mr. Spoffard
+and he never does anything unless he tells his mother all about it, and asks his mother
+if he ought to. So he told me that that is the reason he has never got married, because
+his mother does not think that all of the flappers we seem to have nowadays are what
+a young man ought to marry when a young man is full of so many morals as Mr. Spoffard
+seems to be full of. So I told Mr. Spoffard that I really felt just like his mother
+feels about all of the flappers because I am an old fashioned girl.
+</p>
+<p>So then I got to worrying about Dorothy quite a lot because Dorothy is really not
+so old-fashioned and she might say something in front of Mr. Spoffard that might make
+Mr. Spoffard wonder what such an old-fashioned girl as I was doing with such a girl
+as Dorothy. So I told him how I was having quite <span class="pageNum" id="pb140">[<a href="#pb140">140</a>]</span>a hard time reforming Dorothy and I would like to have him meet Dorothy so he could
+tell me if he really thinks I am wasting quite a lot of time trying to reform a girl
+like Dorothy. So then he had to go to his mother. So I really hope that Dorothy will
+act more reformed than she usually acts in front of Mr. Spoffard.
+</p>
+<p>Well Mr. Spoffard just left our compartment so he really came to pay a call on us
+after all. So Mr. Spoffard told us all about his mother and I was really very very
+intreeged because if Mr. Spoffard and I become friendly he is the kind of a gentleman
+that always wants a girl to meet his mother. I mean if a girl gets to know what kind
+of a mother a gentlemans mother is like, she really knows more what kind of a conversation
+to use on a gentleman’s mother when she meets her. Because a girl like I is really
+always on the verge of meeting gentlemen’s mothers. But such an unrefined girl as
+Dorothy is really not the kind of a girl that ever meets gentlemens mothers.
+</p>
+<hr class="tb"><p>
+</p>
+<p>So Mr. Spoffard says his mother has to have him take care of her quite a lot. Because
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb141">[<a href="#pb141">141</a>]</span>Mr. <span class="sic" title="Correction: Spoffard’s">Spoffards</span> <span class="sic" title="Correction: mother’s">mothers</span> brains have never really been so strong. Because it seems his mother came from such
+a very fine old family that even when she was quite a small size child she had to
+be sent to a school that was a special school for people of very fine old <span class="sic" title="Correction: families">familys</span> who had to have things very easy on their brain. So she still has to have things
+very easy on her brain, so she has a girl who is called her companion who goes with
+her everywhere who is called Miss Chapman. Because Mr. Spoffard says that there is
+always something new going on in the world which they did not get a chance to tell
+her about at the school. So now Miss Chapman keeps telling her instead. Because how
+would she know what to think about such a new thing as a radio, for instance, if she
+did not have Miss Chapman to tell her what it was, for instance. So Dorothy spoke
+up and Dorothy said, “What a responsibility that girl has got on her shoulders. For
+instance, what if Miss Chapman told her a radio was something to build a fire in,
+and she would get cold some day and stuff it full of papers and light it.” But Mr.
+Spoffard told Dorothy that Miss Chapman would never make such a <span class="pageNum" id="pb142">[<a href="#pb142">142</a>]</span>mistake. Because he said that Miss Chapman came from a very very fine old family herself
+and she really had a fine brain. So Dorothy said, “If she really has got such a fine
+brain I bet her fine old family once had an ice man who could not be trusted.” So
+Mr. Spoffard and I did not pay any more attention to Dorothy because Dorothy really
+does not know how to hold a conversation.
+</p>
+<hr class="tb"><p>
+</p>
+<p>So then I and Mr. Spoffard held a conversation all about morals and Mr. Spoffard says
+he really thinks the future of everything is between the hands of Mr. Blank the district
+attorney who is the famous district attorney who is closing up all the places in New
+York where they sell all of the liquor. So Mr. Spoffard said that a few months ago,
+when Mr. Blank decided he would try to get the job to be the district attorney, he
+put 1,000 dollars worth of liquor down his sink. So now Mr. Blank says that everybody
+else has got to put it down their sink. So Dorothy spoke up, and Dorothy said, “If
+he poured 1,000 dollars worth down his sink to get himself one million dollars worth
+of publicity and a good job—when we pour it down <span class="pageNum" id="pb143">[<a href="#pb143">143</a>]</span>our sink, what do we get?” But Mr. Spoffard is <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> brainy a gentleman to answer any such a foolish question. So he gave Dorothy a look
+that was full of dignity and he said he would have to go back to his Mother. So I
+was really quite angry at Dorothy. So I followed Mr. Spoffard down the hall of the
+railway train and I asked Mr. Spoffard if he thought I was wasting quite a lot of
+time reforming a girl like Dorothy. So Mr. Spoffard thinks I am, because he really
+thinks a girl like Dorothy will never have any <span class="sic" title="Correction: reverence">reverance</span>. So I told Mr. Spoffard I had wasted so much time on Dorothy it would really break
+my heart to be a failure. So then I had tears in my eyes. So Mr. Spoffard is really
+very very sympathetic because when he saw that I did not have any handkerchief, he
+took his own handkerchief and he dried up all of my tears. So then he said he would
+help me with Dorothy quite a lot and get her mind to running on things that are more
+educational.
+</p>
+<p>So then he said he thought that we ought to get off the train at a place called Munich
+because it was very full of art, which they call “kunst” in Munich, which is very,
+very <span class="pageNum" id="pb144">[<a href="#pb144">144</a>]</span>educational. So he said he and Dorothy and I would get off of the train in Munich
+because he could send his mother right on to Vienna with Miss Chapman, because every
+place always seems to look alike to his mother anyway. So we are all going to get
+off the train at Munich and I can send Mr. Eisman a telegram when nobody is looking.
+Because I really do not think I will tell Mr. Spoffard about Mr. Eisman, because,
+after all, their religions are different and when two gentlemen have such different
+religions they do not seem to have so much to get congeneal about. So I can telegraph
+Mr. Eisman that Dorothy and I thought we would get off the train at Munich to look
+at all of the art.
+</p>
+<p>So then I went back to Dorothy and I told Dorothy if she did not have anything to
+say in the future to not say it. Because even if Mr. Spoffard is a fine old family
+and even if he is very Prespyterian, I and he could really be friendly after all and
+talk together quite a lot. I mean Mr. Spoffard likes to talk about himself quite a
+lot, so I said to Dorothy it really shows that, after all, he is just like any other
+gentleman. But Dorothy said she would demand more proof than that. <span class="pageNum" id="pb145">[<a href="#pb145">145</a>]</span>So Dorothy says she thinks that maybe I might become quite friendly with Mr. Spoffard
+and especially with his mother because she thinks his mother and I have quite a lot
+that is common, but she says, if I ever bump into Miss Chapman, she thinks I will
+come to a kropper because Dorothy saw Miss Chapman when she was at luncheon and Dorothy
+says Miss Chapman is the kind of a girl that wears a collar and a tie even when she
+is not on horseback. And Dorothy said it was the look that Miss Chapman gave her at
+luncheon that really gave her the idea about the ice man. So Dorothy says she thinks
+Miss Chapman has got 3 thirds of the brains of that trio of Geegans, because Geegans
+is the slang word that Dorothy has thought up to use on people who are society people.
+Because Dorothy says she thinks any gentleman with Mr. <span class="sic" title="Correction: Spoffard’s">Spoffards</span> brains had ought to spend his time putting nickels into an electric piano, but I
+did not even bother to talk back at such a girl as Dorothy. So now we must get ready
+to get off the train when the train gets to Munich so that we can look at all of the
+kunst in Munich.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb146">[<a href="#pb146">146</a>]</span></p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>May 19th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well yesterday Mr. Spoffard and I and Dorothy got off the train at Munich to see all
+of the kunst in Munich, but you only call it Munich when you are on the train because
+as soon as you get off of the train they seem to call it Munchen. So you really would
+know that Munchen was full of kunst because in case you would not know it, they have
+painted the word “kunst” in large size black letters on everything in Munchen, and
+you can not even see a boot black’s stand in Munchen that is not full of kunst.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p147width"><img src="images/p147.jpg" alt="“The Germans stand in the lobby of the theatre and eat quite a lot of Bermudian onions and garlick sausage.”" width="370" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>The Germans stand in the lobby of the theatre and eat quite a lot of Bermudian onions
+and garlick sausage.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>So Mr. Spoffard said that we really ought to go to the theater in Munchen because
+even the theater in Munchen was full of kunst. So we looked at all of the bills of
+all of the theaters, with the aid of quite an <span class="sic" title="Correction: intellectual">intelectual</span> hotel clerk who seemed to be able to read it and tell us what it said, because it
+really meant nothing to us. So it seems they were playing Kiki in Munchen, so I said,
+let us go and see Kiki because we have seen Lenore Ulric in New York and we would
+really know what it is all about even if they do not seem to talk the English <span class="sic" title="Correction: language">landguage</span>. So then we went to the Kunst theater. So it seems <span class="pageNum" id="pb148">[<a href="#pb148">148</a>]</span>that Munchen is practically full of Germans and the lobby of the Kunst theater was
+really full of Germans who stand in the lobby and drink beer and eat quite a lot of
+Bermudian onions and garlick sausage and hard boiled eggs and beer before all of the
+acts. So I really had to ask Mr. Spoffard if he thought we had come to the right theatre
+because the lobby seemed to smell such a lot. I mean when the smell of beer gets to
+be anteek it gets to smell quite a lot. But Mr. Spoffard seemed to think that the
+lobby of the Kunst theatre did not smell any worse than all of the other places in
+Munich. So then Dorothy spoke up and Dorothy said “You can say what you want about
+the Germans being full of ‘kunst,’ but what they are really full of is delicatessen.”
+</p>
+<p>So then we went into the Kunst theater. But the Kunst theater does not seem to smell
+so good as the lobby of the Kunst theater. And the Kunst theater seems to be decorated
+with quite a lot of what tripe would look like if it was pasted on the wall and gilded.
+Only you could not really see the gilding because it was covered with quite a lot
+of dust. So Dorothy looked around and Dorothy said, if <span class="pageNum" id="pb149">[<a href="#pb149">149</a>]</span>this is “kunst,” the art center of the world is Union Hill New Jersey.
+</p>
+<p>So then they started in to playing Kiki but it seems that it was not the same kind
+of a Kiki that we have in America, because it seemed to be all about a family of large
+size German people who seemed to keep getting in each others ways. I mean when a stage
+is completely full of 2 or 3 German people who are quite large size, they really cannot
+help it if they seem to get in each others ways. So then Dorothy got to talking with
+a young gentleman who seemed to be a German gentleman who sat back of her, who she
+thought was applauding. But what he was really doing was he was cracking a hard boiled
+egg on the back of her chair. So he talked English with quite an accent that seemed
+to be quite a German accent. So Dorothy asked him if Kiki had come out on the stage
+yet. So he said no, but she was really a beautiful german actress who came clear from
+Berlin and he said we should really wait until she came out, even if we did not seem
+to understand it. So finally she came out. I mean we knew it was her because Dorothy’s
+German gentleman friend nudged Dorothy with <span class="pageNum" id="pb150">[<a href="#pb150">150</a>]</span>a sausage. So we looked at her, and we looked at her and Dorothy said, “If Schuman
+Heinke still has a grandmother, we have dug her up in Munchen.” So we did not bother
+to see any more of Kiki because Dorothy said she would really have to know more about
+the foundations of that building before she would risk our lives to see Kiki do that
+famous scene where she faints in the last act. Because Dorothy said, if the foundations
+of that building were as anteek as the smell, there was going to be a catasterophy
+when Kiki hit the floor. So even Mr. Spoffard was quite discouradged, but he was really
+glad because he said he was 100 per cent. of an American and it served the Germans
+right for starting such a war against all we Americans.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>May 20th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well today Mr. Spoffard is going to take me all around to all of the museums in Munchen,
+which are full of kunst that I really ought to look at, but Dorothy said she had been
+punished for all of her sins last night, so now she is going to begin life all over
+again by going out with her German gentleman friend, who is going to take her to a
+house <span class="pageNum" id="pb151">[<a href="#pb151">151</a>]</span>called the Half Brow house which is the worlds largest size of a Beer Hall. So Dorothy
+said I could be a high brow and get full of kunst, but she is <span class="sic" title="Correction: satisfied">satisfide</span> to be a Half brow and get full of beer. But Dorothy will really never be full of
+anything else but unrefinement.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>May 21st</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well Mr. Spoffard and I and Dorothy are on the train again and we are all going to
+Vienna. I mean Mr. Spoffard and I spent one whole day going through all of the museums
+in Munchen, but I am really not even going to think about it. Because when something
+terrible happens to me, I always try to be a Christian science and I simply do not
+even think about it, but I deny that it ever happened even if my feet do seem to hurt
+quite a lot. So even Dorothy had quite a hard day in Munchen because her German gentleman
+friend, who is called Rudolf, came for her at 11 oclock to take her to breakfast.
+But Dorothy told him that she had had her breakfast. But her gentleman friend said
+that he had had his first breakfast <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span>, but it was time for his second. So he took Dorothy <span class="pageNum" id="pb152">[<a href="#pb152">152</a>]</span>to the Half Brow house where everybody eats white sausages and pretzels and beer at
+11 oclock. So after they had their white sausages and beer he wanted to take her for
+a ride but they could only go a few blocks because by then it was time for luncheon.
+So they ate quite a lot of luncheon and then he bought her a large size box of chocolates
+that were full of liqueurs, and took her to the matinee. So after the first act Rudolf
+got hungry and they had to go and stand in the lobby and have some <span class="sic" title="Correction: sandwiches">sandwitches</span> and beer. But Dorothy did not enjoy the show very much and so after the second act
+Rudolf said they would leave because it was time for tea anyway. So after quite a
+heavy tea, Rudolph asked her to dinner and Dorothy was <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> overcome to say No. So after dinner they went to a beer garden for beer and pretzels.
+But finally Dorothy began to come to, and she asked him to take her back to the hotel.
+So Rudolf said he would, but they had better have a bite to eat first. So today Dorothy
+really feels just as <span class="sic" title="Correction: discouraged">discouradged</span> as I seem to feel, only Dorothy is not a Christian science and all she can do is
+suffer.
+</p>
+<p>But in spite of all of my Christian science, <span class="pageNum" id="pb153">[<a href="#pb153">153</a>]</span>I am really beginning to feel quite <span class="sic" title="Correction: discouraged">discouradged</span> about Vienna. I mean Mr. Eisman is in Vienna, and I do not see how I can spend quite
+a lot of time with Mr. Eisman and quite a lot of time with Mr. Spoffard and keep them
+from meeting one another. Because Mr. Spoffard might not seem to understand why Mr.
+Eisman seems to spend quite a lot of money to get me educated. And Dorothy keeps trying
+to depress me about Miss Chapman because she says she thinks that when Miss Chapman
+sees I and Mr. Spoffard together she thinks that Miss Chapman will cable for the <span class="sic" title="Correction: family’s">familys</span> favorite lunacy expert. So I have got to be as full of Christian science as I can
+and always hope for the best.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>May 25th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>So far everything has really worked out for the best. Because Mr. Eisman is very very
+busy all day with the button profession, and he tells me to run around with Dorothy
+all day. So I and Mr. Spoffard run around all day. So then I tell Mr. Spoffard that
+I really do not care to go to all of the places that you go to at night, but I will
+go to bed and get ready for tomorrow instead. So then <span class="pageNum" id="pb154">[<a href="#pb154">154</a>]</span>Dorothy and I go to dinner with Mr. Eisman and then we go to a show, and we stay up
+quite late at a cabaret called the Chapeau Rouge and I am able to keep it all up with
+the aid of champagne. So if we keep our eye out for Mr. Spoffard and do not all bump
+into one another when he is out looking at things that we Americans really should
+not look at, it will all work out for the best. I mean I have even stopped Mr. Spoffard
+looking at museums because I tell him that I like nature better, and when you look
+at nature you look at it in a horse and buggy in the park and it is much easier on
+the feet. So now he is beginning to talk about how he would like me to meet his mother,
+so everything really seems for the best after all.
+</p>
+<p>But I have quite a hard time with Mr. Eisman at night. I mean at night Mr. Eisman
+is in quite a state, because every time he makes an engagement about the button factory,
+it is time for all the gentlemen in Vienna to go to the coffee house and sit. Or else
+every time he makes an engagement about the button factory, some Viennese gentleman
+gets the idea to have a <span class="sic" title="Correction: picnic">picknick</span> and they all put on short pants and bare knees and they all put a <span class="pageNum" id="pb155">[<a href="#pb155">155</a>]</span>feather in their hat, and they all walk to the Tyrol. So it really <span class="sic" title="Correction: discourages">discouradges</span> Mr. Eisman quite a lot. But if anyone ought to get <span class="sic" title="Correction: discouraged">discouradged</span> I think that I ought to get <span class="sic" title="Correction: discouraged">discouradged</span> because after all when a girl has had no sleep for a week a girl can not help it
+if she seems to get <span class="sic" title="Correction: discouraged">discouradged</span>.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>May 27th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well <span class="sic" title="Correction: finally">finaly</span> I broke down and Mr. Spoffard said that he thought a little girl like I, who was
+trying to reform the whole world was trying to do <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> much, especially beginning on a girl like Dorothy. So he said there was a famous
+doctor in Vienna called Dr. Froyd who could stop all of my worrying because he does
+not give a girl medicine but he talks you out of it by psychoanalysis. So yesterday
+he took me to Dr. Froyd. So Dr. Froyd and I had quite a long talk in the english <span class="sic" title="Correction: language">landguage</span>. So it seems that everybody seems to have a thing called inhibitions, which is when
+you want to do a thing and you do not do it. So then you dream about it instead. So
+Dr. Froyd asked me, what I seemed to dream about. So I told him that I never really
+dream about anything. I mean <span class="pageNum" id="pb156">[<a href="#pb156">156</a>]</span>I use my brains so much in the day time that at night they do not seem to do anything
+else but rest. So Dr. Froyd was very very <span class="sic" title="Correction: surprised">surprized</span> at a girl who did not dream about anything. So then he asked me all about my life.
+I mean he is very very sympathetic, and he seems to know how to draw a girl out quite
+a lot. I mean I told him things that I really would not even put in my diary. So then
+he seemed very very <span class="sic" title="Correction: intrigued">intreeged</span> at a girl who always seemed to do everything she wanted to do. So he asked me if
+I really never wanted to do a thing that I did not do. For instance did I ever want
+to do a thing that was really <span class="sic" title="Correction: violent">vialent</span>, for instance, did I ever want to shoot someone for instance. So then I said I had,
+but the bullet only went in Mr. Jennings lung and came right out again. So then Dr.
+Froyd looked at me and looked at me and he said he did not really think it was possible.
+So then he called in his assistance and he pointed at me and talked to his assistance
+quite a lot in the Viennese <span class="sic" title="Correction: language">landguage</span>. So then his assistance looked at me and looked at me and it really seems as if I
+was quite a famous case. So then Dr. Froyd said that all <span class="pageNum" id="pb158">[<a href="#pb158">158</a>]</span>I needed was to cultivate a few inhibitions and get some sleep.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p157width"><img src="images/p157.jpg" alt="“Dr. Froyd seemed to think that I was quite a famous case.”" width="370" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>Dr. Froyd seemed to think that I was quite a famous case.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>May 29th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Things are really getting to be quite a strain. Because yesterday Mr. Spoffard and
+Mr. Eisman were both in the lobby of the Bristol hotel and I had to pretend not to
+see both of them. I mean it is quite an easy thing to pretend not to see one gentleman,
+but it is a quite hard thing to pretend not to see two gentlemen. So something has
+really got to happen soon, or I will have to admit that things seem to be happening
+that are not for the best.
+</p>
+<p>So this afternoon Dorothy and I had an engagement to meet Count Salm for tea at four
+o’clock, only you do not call it tea at Vienna but you seem to call it “yowzer” and
+you do not drink tea at Vienna but you drink coffee instead. I mean it is quite unusual
+to see all of the gentlemen at Vienna stop work, to go to yowzer about one hour after
+they have all finished their luncheon, but time really does not seem to mean so much
+to Viennese gentlemen except time to get to the coffee house, which they all seem
+to know by <span class="pageNum" id="pb159">[<a href="#pb159">159</a>]</span>instincts, or else they really do not seem to mind if they make a mistake and get
+there <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> early. Because Mr. Eisman says that when it is time to attend to the button profession,
+they really seem to lose all of their interest until Mr. Eisman is getting so nervous
+he could scream.
+</p>
+<p>So we went to Deimels and met Count Salm. But while we were having yowzer with Count
+Salm, we saw Mr. Spoffard’s mother come in with her companion<span class="sic" title="Correction: ,"></span> Miss Chapman, and Miss Chapman seemed to look at me quite a lot and talk to Mr. Spoffards
+mother about me quite a lot. So I became quite nervous, because I really wished that
+we were not with Count Salm. I mean it has been quite a hard thing to make Mr. Spoffard
+think that I am trying to reform Dorothy, but if I had to try to make him think that
+I was trying to reform Count Salm, he might begin to think that there is a limit to
+almost everything. So Mr. <span class="sic" title="Correction: Spoffard’s">Spoffards</span> mother seems to be deaf, because she seems to use an ear trumpet and I really could
+not help over hearing quite a lot of words that Miss Chapman was using on me, even
+if it is not such good <span class="sic" title="Correction: etiquette">etiquet</span> to overhear people. So Miss <span class="pageNum" id="pb160">[<a href="#pb160">160</a>]</span>Chapman seemed to be telling Mr. Spoffards mother that I was a “creature,” and she
+seemed to be telling her that I was the real reason why her son seemed to be so full
+of nothing but neglect lately. So then Mr. Spoffards mother looked at me and looked
+at me, even if it was not such good etiquet to look at a person. And Miss Chapman
+kept right on talking to Mr. Spoffards mother and I heard her mention Willie Gwynn
+and I think that Miss Chapman has been making some inquiries about me and I really
+think that she has heard about the time when all of the family of Willie Gwynn had
+quite a long talk with me and persuaded me not to marry Willie Gwynn for $10,000.
+So I really wish Mr. Spoffard would introduce me to his mother before she gets to
+be full of quite a lot of prejudice. Because one thing seems to be piling up on top
+of another thing, until I am almost on the verge of getting nervous and I have not
+had any time yet to do what Dr. Froyd said a girl ought to do.
+</p>
+<p>So tonight I am going to tell Mr. Eisman that I have got to go to bed early, so then
+I can take quite a long ride with Mr. Spoffard and look at nature, and he may say
+something <span class="pageNum" id="pb161">[<a href="#pb161">161</a>]</span>definite, because nothing makes gentlemen get so definite as looking at nature when
+it is moonlight.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>May 30th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well last night Mr. Spoffard and I took quite a long ride in the park, but they do
+not call it a park in the Viennese <span class="sic" title="Correction: language">landguage</span> but they call it the Prater. So a prater is really <span class="sic" title="Correction: divine">devine</span> because it is just like Coney Island but at the same time it is in the woods and
+it is practically full of trees and it has quite a long road for people to take rides
+on in a horse and buggy. So I found out that Miss Chapman had been talking against
+me quite a lot. So it seems that she has been making inquiries about me, and I was
+really surprised to hear all of the things that Miss Chapman seemed to find out about
+me except that she did not find out about Mr. Eisman educating me. So then I had to
+tell Mr. Spoffard that I was not always so reformed as I am now, because the world
+was full of gentlemen who were nothing but wolfs in sheeps clothes, that did nothing
+but take <span class="sic" title="Correction: advantage">advantadge</span> of all we girls. So I really cried quite a lot. So then I told him how I was just
+a little girl from <span class="pageNum" id="pb162">[<a href="#pb162">162</a>]</span>Little Rock when I first left Little Rock and by that time even Mr. Spoffard had tears
+in his eyes. So I told him how I came from a very very good family because papa was
+very <span class="sic" title="Correction: intellectual">intelectual</span>, and he was a very very prominent Elk, and everybody always said that he was a very
+<span class="sic" title="Correction: intellectual">intelectual</span> Elk. So I told Mr. Spoffard that when I left Little Rock I thought that all of the
+gentlemen did not want to do anything but protect we girls and by the time I found
+out that they did not want to protect us so much, it was <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> late. So then he cried quite a lot. So then I told him how I <span class="sic" title="Correction: finally">finaly</span> got reformed by reading all about him in the newspapers and when I saw him in the
+oriental express it really seemed to be nothing but the result of fate. So I told
+Mr. Spoffard that I thought a girl was really more reformed if she knew what it was
+to be unreformed than if she was born reformed and never really knew that was the
+matter with her. So then Mr. Spoffard reached over and he kissed me on the forehead
+in a way that was full of <span class="sic" title="Correction: reverence">reverance</span> and he said I seemed to remind him quite a lot of a girl who got quite a write-up
+in the bible who was called Magdellen. So then he said that he used to be a <span class="pageNum" id="pb163">[<a href="#pb163">163</a>]</span>member of the choir himself, so who was he to cast the first rock at a girl like I.
+</p>
+<p>So we rode around in the Prater until it was quite late and it really was <span class="sic" title="Correction: divine">devine</span> because it was moonlight and we talked quite a lot about morals, and all the bands
+in the prater were all playing in the <span class="sic" title="Correction: distance">distants</span> “Mama love Papa”. Because “Mama love Papa” has just reached Vienna and they all seem
+to be crazy about “Mama love Papa” even if it is not so new in America. So then he
+took me home to the hotel.
+</p>
+<p>So everything always works out for the best, because this morning Mr. Spoffard called
+up and told me he wanted me to meet his mother. So I told him I would like to have
+luncheon alone with his mother because we could have quite a little tatatate if there
+was only two of us. So I told him to bring his mother to our room for luncheon because
+I thought that Miss Chapman could not walk into our room and spoil everything.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p164width"><img src="images/p164.jpg" alt="“I told Mr. Spoffard’s mother that I did not seem to like all of the flappers we seem to have nowadays.”" width="538" height="273"><p class="figureHead">“<i>I told Mr. Spoffard’s mother that I did not seem to like all of the flappers we seem
+to have nowadays.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>So he brought his mother down to our sitting room and I put on quite a simple little
+organdy gown that I had ripped all of the trimming off of, and I had a pair of black
+lace mitts that Dorothy used to wear in the <span class="pageNum" id="pb164">[<a href="#pb164">164</a>]</span>Follies and I had a pair of shoes that did not have any heels on them. So when he
+introduced us to each other I dropped her a <span class="sic" title="Correction: curtsey">courtesy</span> because I always think it is quite quaint when a girl drops quite a lot of <span class="sic" title="Correction: curtsies">courtesys</span>. So then he left us alone and we had quite a little talk and I told her that I did
+not seem to like all of the flappers that we seem to have nowadays, because I was
+brought up to be more old fashioned. So then Mr. <span class="sic" title="Correction: Spoffard’s">Spoffards</span> mother told me that Miss Chapman said that she had heard that I was not so old fashioned.
+But I told her that I was so old fashioned that I was always full of respect for all
+of my elders and I would not dare to tell them everything they ought <span class="pageNum" id="pb165">[<a href="#pb165">165</a>]</span>to do, like Miss Chapman seems to tell her everything she ought to do, for instants.
+</p>
+<p>So then I ordered luncheon and I thought some champagne would make her feel quite
+good for luncheon so I asked her if she liked champagne. So she really likes champagne
+very very much but Miss Chapman thinks it is not so nice for a person to drink liquor.
+But I told her that I was a Christian science, and all of we Christian science seem
+to believe that there can not really be any harm in anything, so how can there be
+any harm in a small size bottle of champagne? So she never seemed to look at it in
+that kind of a light before, because she said that Miss Chapman believed in Christian
+science also, but what Miss Chapman believed about things that were good for you to
+drink seemed to apply more towards water. So then we had luncheon and she began to
+feel very very good. So I thought that we had better have another bottle of champagne
+because I told her that I was such an ardent Christian science that I did not even
+believe there could be any harm in two bottles of champagne. So we had another bottle
+of champagne and she became very intreeged about Christian science because <span class="pageNum" id="pb166">[<a href="#pb166">166</a>]</span>she said that she really thought it was a better religion than <span class="sic" title="Correction: Presbyterians">Prespyterians</span>. So she said Miss Chapman used to try to get her to use it on things, but Miss Chapman
+never seemed to have such a large size grasp of the Christian science religion as
+I seem to have.
+</p>
+<p>So then I told her that I thought Miss Chapman was jealous of her good looks. So then
+she said that that was true, because Miss Chapman would always make her wear hats
+that were made out of black horses hair because horses hair does not weigh so much
+on a persons brain. So I told her I was going to give her one of my hats that has
+got quite large size roses on it. So then I got it out, but we could not get it on
+her head because hats are quite small on account of hair being bobbed. So I thought
+I would get the <span class="sic" title="Correction: scissors">sissors</span> and bob her head, but then I thought I had done enough to her for one day.
+</p>
+<p>So Henry’s mother said that I was really the most sunshine that she ever had in all
+her life and when Henry came back to take his Mother up to her room, she did not want
+to go. But after he got her away he called me up on the telephone and he was <span class="sic" title="Correction: quite">qiute</span> excited and he said he wanted to ask me something <span class="pageNum" id="pb167">[<a href="#pb167">167</a>]</span>that was very very important. So I said I would see him tonight.
+</p>
+<p>But now I have got to see Mr. Eisman because I have an idea about doing something
+that is really very very important that has got to be done at once.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>May 31st</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well I and Dorothy and Mr. Eisman are on a train going to a place called Buda Pest.
+So I did not see Henry again before I left, but I left him a letter. Because I thought
+it would be a quite good thing if what he wanted to ask me he would have to write
+down, instead of asking me, and he could not write it to me if I was in the same city
+that he is in. So I told him in my letter that I had to leave in five minute’s time
+because I found out that Dorothy was just on the verge of getting very unreformed,
+and if I did not get her away, all I had done for her would really go for nothing.
+So I told him to write down what he had to say to me, and mail it to me at the Ritz
+hotel in Buda Pest. Because I always seem to believe in the old <span class="sic" title="Correction: adage">addage</span>, Say it in writing.
+</p>
+<p>So it was really very easy to get Mr. Eisman <span class="pageNum" id="pb168">[<a href="#pb168">168</a>]</span>to leave Vienna, because yesterday he went out to see the button factory but it seems
+that all of the people at the button factory were not at work but they were giving
+a birthday party to some saint. So it seems that every time some saint has a birthday
+they all stop work so they can give it a birthday party. So Mr. Eisman looked at their
+calendar, and found out that some saint or other was born practically every week in
+the year. So he has decided that America is good enough for him.
+</p>
+<p>So Henry will not be able to follow me to Buda Pest because his mother is having treatments
+by Dr. Froyd and she seems to be a much more difficult case than I seem to be. I mean
+it is quite hard for Dr. Froyd, because she cannot seem to remember which is a dream
+and which really happened to her. So she tells him everything, and he has to use his
+judgement. I mean when she tells him that a very very handsome young gentleman tried
+to flirt with her on Fifth Avenue, he uses his judgement.
+</p>
+<p>So we will soon be at a Ritz hotel again and I must say it will be delightful to find
+a Ritz hotel right in the central of Europe.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb169">[<a href="#pb169">169</a>]</span></p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>June 1st</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well yesterday <span class="sic" title="Correction: Henry’s">Henrys</span> letter came and it says in black and white that he and his mother have never met
+such a girl as I and he wants me to marry him. So I took <span class="sic" title="Correction: Henry’s">Henrys</span> letter to the photographers and I had quite a lot of photographs taken of it because
+a girl might lose <span class="sic" title="Correction: Henry’s">Henrys</span> letter and she would not have anything left to remember him by. But Dorothy says
+to hang on to Henry’s letter, because she really does not think the photographs do
+it justice.
+</p>
+<p>So this afternoon I got a telegram from Henry and the telegram says that Henry’s father
+is very, very ill in New York and they have got to leave for New York immediately
+and his heart is broken not to see me again and to send him my answer by telegraph
+so that his mind will be rested while he is going back to New York. So I sent him
+a telegram and I accepted his proposal. So tonight I got another telegram and Henry
+says that he and his mother are very very happy and <span class="sic" title="Correction: Henry’s">Henrys</span> mother can hardly bear Miss Chapman any more and Henry says he hopes I will decide
+to come right back to New York and keep his mother quite a lot of company, <span class="pageNum" id="pb170">[<a href="#pb170">170</a>]</span>because he thinks I can reform Dorothy more in New York anyway, where there is prohibition
+and nobody can get anything to drink.
+</p>
+<p>So now I have got to make up my mind whether I really want to marry Henry after all.
+Because I know to much to get married to any gentleman like Henry without thinking
+it all over. Because Henry is the kind of a gentleman who gets on a girls nerves quite
+a lot and when a gentleman has nothing else to do but get on a girls nerves, there
+really seems to be a limit to almost everything. Because when a gentleman has a business,
+he has an office and he has to be there, but when a gentlemans business is only looking
+into other peoples business, a gentleman is always on the verge of coming in and out
+of the house. And a girl could not really say that her time was her own. And when
+Henry was not in and out of the house, his mother would always be in and out of the
+house because she seems to think that I am so full of nothing but sunshine. So it
+is quite a problem and I seem to be in quite a quarandary, because it might really
+be better if Henry should happen to decide that he should not get married, and he
+should change his mind, and desert a <span class="pageNum" id="pb171">[<a href="#pb171">171</a>]</span>girl, and then it would only be right if a girl should sue him for a breach of promise.
+</p>
+<p>But I really think, whatever happens, that Dorothy and I had better get back to New
+York. So I will see if Mr. Eisman will send us back. I mean I really do not think
+that Mr. Eisman will mind us going back because if he does, I will start shopping
+again and that always seems to bring him to terms. But all the time I am going back
+to New York, I will have to try to make up my mind one way or another. Because we
+girls really can not help it, if we have ideals, and sometimes my mind seems to get
+to running on things that are romantic, and I seem to think that maybe there is some
+place in the world where there is a gentleman who knows how to look and act like Count
+Salm and who has got money besides. And when a <span class="sic" title="Correction: girl’s">girls</span> mind gets to thinking about such a romantic thing, a girls mind really does not seem
+to know whether to marry Henry or not.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb175">[<a href="#pb175">175</a>]</span></p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div id="ch6" class="div1 chapter"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#xd31e299">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divHead">
+<h2 class="label">CHAPTER SIX</h2>
+<h2 class="main">BRAINS ARE REALLY EVERYTHING</h2>
+</div>
+<div class="divBody">
+<p class="first dateentry"><i>June 14th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well, Dorothy and I arrived at New York yesterday because Mr. Eisman finally decided
+to send us home because he said that all of his button profession would not stand
+the strain of educating me much more in Europe. So we separated from Mr. Eisman in
+Buda Pest because Mr. Eisman had to go to Berlin to look up all of his starving relatives
+in Berlin, who have done nothing but starve since the War, so he wrote me just before
+we sailed and he said that he had dug up all his starving relatives and he had looked
+them all over, and decided not to bring them to America because there was not one
+of his starving relatives who could travel on a railroad ticket without paying excess
+fare for overweight.
+</p>
+<p>So Dorothy and I took the boat and all the way over on the boat I had to make up my
+mind whether I really wanted to marry the famous Henry H. Spoffard, or not, because
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb176">[<a href="#pb176">176</a>]</span>he was waiting for me to arrive at New York and he was so impatient that he could
+hardly wait for me to arrive at New York. But I have not wasted all of my time on
+Henry, even if I do not marry him, because I have some letters from Henry which would
+come in very, very handy if I did not marry Henry. So Dorothy seems to agree with
+me quite a lot, because Dorothy says the only thing she could stand being to Henry,
+would be to be his widow at the age of 18.
+</p>
+<p>So coming over on the boat I decided not to bother to meet any gentleman, because
+what good does it do to meet gentlemen when there is nothing to do on a boat but go
+shopping at a little shop where they do not have any thing that costs more than five
+dollars. And besides if I did meet any gentleman on the boat, he would want to see
+me off the boat, and then we would bump into Henry. But then I heard that there was
+a gentleman on the boat who was quite a dealer in unset diamonds from a town called
+Amsterdam. So I met the gentleman, and we went around together quite a lot, but we
+had quite a quarrel the night before we landed, so I did not even bother to look at
+him when I came down <span class="pageNum" id="pb177">[<a href="#pb177">177</a>]</span>the gangplank, and I put the unset diamonds in my handbag so I did not have to declare
+them at the customs.
+</p>
+<p>So Henry was waiting for me at the customs, because he had come up from Pennsylvania
+to meet me, because their country estate is at Pennsylvania, and Henry’s father is
+very, very ill at Pennsylvania, so Henry has to stay there practically all of the
+time. So all of the reporters were at the customs and they all heard about how Henry
+and I were engaged to one another and they wanted to know what I was before I became
+engaged to Henry, so I told them that I was nothing but a society girl from Little
+Rock, Arkansas. So then I became quite angry with Dorothy because one of the reporters
+asked Dorothy when I made my debut in society at Little Rock and Dorothy said I made
+my debut at the Elks annual street fair and carnival at the age of 15, I mean Dorothy
+never overlooks any chance to be unrefined, even when she is talking to literary gentlemen
+like reporters.
+</p>
+<p>So Henry brought me to the apartment in his Rolls Royce, and while we were coming
+to the apartment he said he wanted to give me my engagement ring and I really became
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb178">[<a href="#pb178">178</a>]</span>all thrills. So he said that he had gone to Cartiers and he had looked over all the
+engagement rings in Cartiers and after he had looked them all over he had decided
+that they were not half good enough for me. So then he took a box out of his pocket
+and I really became <span class="sic" title="Correction: intrigued">intreeged</span>. So then Henry said that when he looked at all of those large size diamonds he really
+felt that they did not have any sentiment, so he was going to give me his class ring
+from Amherst College <span class="sic" title="Correction: instead">insted</span>. So then I looked at him and looked at him, but I am to full of self <span class="sic" title="Correction: control">controle</span> to say anything at this stage of the game, so I said it was really very sweet of
+him to be so full of nothing but sentiment.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p178width"><img src="images/p178.jpg" alt="“I told him that it was really very sweet of him to be so full of nothing but sentiment.”" width="541" height="275"><p class="figureHead">“<i>I told him that it was really very sweet of him to be so full of nothing but sentiment.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb179">[<a href="#pb179">179</a>]</span></p>
+<p>So then Henry said that he would have to go back to Pennsylvania to talk to his father
+about us getting married, because his father has really got his heart set on us not
+getting married. So I told Henry that perhaps if I would meet his father, I would
+win him over, because I always seem to win gentlemen over. But Henry says that that
+is just the trouble, because some girl is always winning his father over, and they
+hardly dare to let him go out of their sight, and they hardly dare let him go to church
+alone. Because the last time he went to church alone some girl won him over on the
+street corner and he arrived back home with all of his pocket money gone, and they
+could not believe him when he said that he had put it in the plate, because he has
+not put more than a dime in the plate for the last fifty years.
+</p>
+<p>So it seems that the real reason why his father does not want Henry to marry me, is
+because his father says that Henry always has all of the fun, and every time Henry’s
+father wants to have some fun of his own, Henry always stops him and Henry will not
+even let him be sick at a hospital where he could have some fun of his own, but he
+keeps <span class="pageNum" id="pb180">[<a href="#pb180">180</a>]</span>him at home where he has to have a nurse Henry picked out for him who is a male nurse.
+So all of his objections seem to be nothing but the spirit of <span class="sic" title="Correction: reciprocity">resiprosity</span>. But Henry says that all his objections cannot last much longer because he is nearly
+90 years of age after all, and Nature must take its course sooner or later.
+</p>
+<p>So Dorothy says what a fool I am to waste my time on Henry, when I might manage to
+meet Henry’s father and the whole thing would be over in a few months and I would
+practically own the state of Pennsylvania. But I do not think I ought to take Dorothy’s
+<span class="sic" title="Correction: advice">advise</span> because Henry’s father is watched like a hawk and Henry himself is his Power of Attorney,
+so no good could really come of it after all. And, after all, why should I listen
+to the <span class="sic" title="Correction: advice">advise</span> of a girl like Dorothy who travelled all over Europe and all she came home with was
+a bangle!
+</p>
+<p>So Henry spent the evening at the apartment and then he had to go back to Pennsylvania
+to be there Thursday morning, because every Thursday morning he belongs to a society
+who do nothing but <span class="sic" title="Correction: censure">senshure</span> all of the photoplays. So they cut out all of the <span class="pageNum" id="pb181">[<a href="#pb181">181</a>]</span>pieces out of all the photoplays that show things that are riskay, that people ought
+not to look at. So then they put all of the riskay pieces together and they run them
+over and over again. So it would really be quite a hard thing to drag Henry away from
+one of his Thursday mornings and he can hardly wait from one Thursday morning to another.
+Because he really does not seem to enjoy anything so much as senshuring photoplays
+and after a photoplay has once been senshured he seems to lose all of his interest
+in it.
+</p>
+<p>So after Henry left I held quite a conversation with Lulu, who is my maid who looked
+out for my apartment while I was away. So Lulu really thinks I ought to marry Mr.
+Spoffard after all, because Lulu says that she kept studying Mr. Spoffard all of the
+time she was unpacking my trunks, and Lulu says she is sure that any time I feel as
+if I had to get away from Mr. Spoffard I could just set him down on the floor, and
+give him a packet of riskay french postcards to senshure and stay away as long as
+I like.
+</p>
+<p>So Henry is going to arrange for me to come down to Pennsylvania for a week-end and
+meet all of his family. But if all of <span class="pageNum" id="pb182">[<a href="#pb182">182</a>]</span>Henry’s family are as full of reforms as Henry seems to be, it will be quite an ordeal
+even for a girl like I.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>June 15th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Yesterday morning was quite an ordeal for a refined girl because all of the newspapers
+all printed the story of how Henry and I are engaged to one another, but they all
+seemed to leave out the part about me being a society girl except one newspaper, and
+that was the newspaper that quoted what Dorothy said about me being a debutant at
+the Elk’s Carnival. So I called up Dorothy at the Ritz and I told Dorothy that a girl
+like she ought to keep her mouth closed in the <span class="sic" title="Correction: presence">presents</span> of reporters.
+</p>
+<p>So it seems that quite a lot of reporters kept calling Dorothy up but Dorothy said
+she really did not say anything to any of them except one reporter asked her what
+I used for money and she told him buttons. But Dorothy really should not have said
+such a thing, because quite a few people seem to know that Mr. Eisman is educating
+me and that he is known all over Chicago as Gus Eisman the Button King, so one thing
+might <span class="pageNum" id="pb183">[<a href="#pb183">183</a>]</span>suggest another until people’s minds might begin to think something.
+</p>
+<p>But Dorothy said that she did not say anything more about me being a debutant at Little
+Rock, because after all Dorothy knows that I really did not make any debut in Little
+Rock, because just when it was time to make my debut, my gentleman friend Mr. Jennings
+became shot, and after the trial was over and all of the Jury had let me off, I was
+really much <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> fatigued to make any debut.
+</p>
+<p>So then Dorothy said, why don’t we throw a party now and you can become a debutant
+now and put them all in their place, because it seems that Dorothy is dying for a
+party. So that is really the first sensible suggestion that Dorothy has made yet,
+because I think that every girl who is engaged to a gentleman who has a fine old family
+like Henry, had really ought to be a debutant. So I told her to come right over and
+we would plan my debut but we would keep it very, very quiet and give it tomorrow
+night, because if Henry heard I was making my debut he would come up from Pennsylvania
+and he would practically spoil the party, because all Henry has to do to spoil a party
+is to arrive at it.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb184">[<a href="#pb184">184</a>]</span></p>
+<p>So Dorothy came over and we planned my debut. So first we decided to have some engraved
+invitations engraved, but it always takes quite a little time to have invitations
+engraved, and it would really be foolish because all of the gentlemen we were going
+to invite to my debut were all members of the Racquet Club, so I could just write
+out a notice that I was having a debut and give it to Willie Gwynn and have Willie
+Gwynn post it on the Racquet Club board.
+</p>
+<p>So Willie Gwynn posted it on the club board and then he called me up and he told me
+that he had never seen so much enthusiasm since the Dempsey-Firpo fight, and he said
+that the whole Racquet Club would be there in a body. So then we had to plan about
+what girls we would ask to my debut. Because I have not seemed to meet so many society
+women yet because of course a girl does not meet society women until her debut is
+all over, and then all the society women all come and call on a debutant. But I know
+practically all of the society men, because practically all of the society men belong
+to the Racquet club, so after I have the Racquet Club at my debut, all I have to do
+to take <span class="pageNum" id="pb185">[<a href="#pb185">185</a>]</span>my real place in society is to meet their mothers and sisters, because I know practically
+all of their sweethearts now.
+</p>
+<p>But I always seem to think that it is delightful to have quite a lot of girls at a
+party, if a girl has quite a lot of gentlemen at a party, and it is quite delightful
+to have all the girls from the Follies, but I really could not invite them because,
+after all, they are not in my set. So then I thought it all over and I thought that
+even if it was not etiquette to invite them to a party, it really would be etiquette
+to hire them to come to a party and be entertainers, and after they were entertainers
+they could mix in to the party and it really would not be a social error.
+</p>
+<p>So then the telephone rang and Dorothy answered it and it seems that it was Joe Sanguinetti,
+who is almost the official bootlegger for the whole Racquet Club, and Joe said he
+had heard about my debut and if he could come to my debut and bring his club which
+is the Silver Spray Social Club of Brooklyn, he would supply all of the liquor and
+he would guarantee to practically run the rum fleet up to the front door.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb186">[<a href="#pb186">186</a>]</span></p>
+<p>So Dorothy told him he could come, and she hung up the telephone before she told me
+his proposition, and I became quite angry with Dorothy because, after all, the Silver
+Spray Social Club is not even mentioned in the Social Register and it has no place
+at a girl’s debut. But Dorothy said by the time the party got into swing, anyone would
+have to be a genius if he could tell whether he belonged to the Racquet Club, the
+Silver Spray Social Club, or the Knights of Pythias. But I really was almost sorry
+that I asked Dorothy to help plan my debut, except that Dorothy is very good to have
+at a party if the police come in, because Dorothy always knows how to manage the police,
+and I never knew a policeman yet who did not finish up by being madly in love with
+Dorothy. So then Dorothy called up all of the reporters on all of the newspapers and
+invited them all to my debut, so they could see it with their own eyes.
+</p>
+<p>So Dorothy says that she is going to see to it that my debut lands on the front page
+of all of the newspapers, if we have to commit a murder to do it.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb187">[<a href="#pb187">187</a>]</span></p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>June 19th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well, it has been three days since my debut party started but I finally got tired
+and left the party last night and went to bed because I always seem to lose all of
+my interest in a party after a few days, but Dorothy never loses her interest in a
+party and when I woke up this morning Dorothy was just saying goodbye to some of the
+guests. I mean Dorothy seems to have quite a lot of vitality, because the last guests
+of the party were guests we picked up when the party went to take a swim at Long Beach
+the day before yesterday, and they were practically fresh, but Dorothy had gone clear
+through the party from beginning to end without even stopping to go to a Turkish bath
+as most of the gentlemen had to do. So my debut has really been very novel, because
+quite a lot of the guests who finished up at my debut were not the same guests that
+started out at it, and it is really quite novel for a girl to have so many different
+kinds of gentlemen at her debut. So it has really been a very great success because
+all of the newspapers have quite a lot of write-ups about my debut and I really felt
+quite proud when I saw the front <span class="pageNum" id="pb188">[<a href="#pb188">188</a>]</span>page of the <i>Daily Views</i> and it said in large size headlines, “LORELEI’S DEBUT A WOW!” And <i>Zits’ Weekly</i> came right out and said that if this party marks my entrance into society, they only
+hope that they can live to see what I will spring once I have overcome my debutant
+reserve and taken my place in the world.
+</p>
+<p>So I really had to apologise to Dorothy about asking Joe Sanguinetti to my debut because
+it was wonderful the way he got all of the liquor to the party and he more than kept
+his word. I mean he had his bootleggers run up from the wharf in taxis, right to the
+apartment, and the only trouble he had was, that once the bootleggers delivered the
+liquor, he could not get them to leave the party. So finally there was quite a little
+quarrel because Willie Gwynn claimed that Joe’s bootleggers were snubbing the members
+of his club because they would not let the boys from the Racquet club sing in their
+quartet. But Joe’s bootleggers said that the Racquet club boys wanted to sing songs
+that were unrefined, while they wanted to sing songs about Mother. So then everybody
+started to take sides, but the girls from the Follies were all <span class="pageNum" id="pb189">[<a href="#pb189">189</a>]</span>with Joe’s bootleggers from the start because practically all we girls were listening
+to them with tears <span class="sic" title="Correction: streaming">steaming</span> from our eyes. So that made the Racquet club jealous and one thing led to another
+until somebody rang for an ambulants and then the police came in.
+</p>
+<p>So Dorothy, as usual, won over all of the police. So it seems that the police all
+have orders from Judge Schultzmeyer, who is the famous judge who tries all of the
+prohibition cases, that any time they break into a party that looks like it was going
+to be a good party, to call him up no matter what time of the day or night it is,
+because Judge Schultzmeyer dearly loves a party. So the Police called up Judge Schultzmeyer
+and he was down in less than no time. So during the party both Joe Sanguinetti and
+Judge Schultzmeyer fell madly in love with Dorothy. So Joe and the Judge had quite
+a little quarrel and the Judge told Joe that if his stuff was fit to drink he would
+set the Law after him and confiscate it, but his stuff was not worth the while of
+any gentleman to confiscate who had any respect for his stomach, and he would not
+lower himself to confiscate it. So along about nine o’clock <span class="pageNum" id="pb190">[<a href="#pb190">190</a>]</span>in the morning Judge Schultzmeyer had to leave the party and go to court to try all
+of the criminals who break all of the laws, so he had to leave Dorothy and Joe together
+and he was very very angry. And I really felt quite sorry for any person who went
+up before Judge Schultzmeyer that morning, because he gave everybody 90 days and was
+back at the party by twelve o’clock. So then he stuck to the party until we were all
+going down to Long Beach to take a swim day before yesterday when he seemed to become
+unconscious, so we dropped him off at a sanitorium in Garden City.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure floatLeft p190width"><img src="images/p190.jpg" alt="“My debut was the greatest success of the social season.”" width="274" height="534"><p class="figureHead">“<i>My debut was the greatest success of the social season.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>So my debut party was really the greatest success of the social season, because the
+second night of my debut party was the night <span class="pageNum" id="pb191">[<a href="#pb191">191</a>]</span>when Willie Gwynn’s sister was having a dance at the Gwynn estate on Long Island,
+and Willie Gwynn said that all of the eligible gentlemen in New York were conspicuous
+by their <span class="sic" title="Correction: absence">absents</span> at his sister’s party, because they were all at my party. So it seems as if I am
+really going to be quite a famous hostess if I can just bring my mind to the point
+of being Mrs. Henry Spoffard Jr.
+</p>
+<p>Well Henry called up this morning and Henry said he had finally got his father’s mind
+so that he thought it was safe for me to meet him and he was coming up to get me this
+afternoon so that I can meet his family and see his famous old historical home at
+Pennsylvania. So then he asked about my debut party which some of the Philadelphia
+papers seemed to mention. But I told him that my debut was really not so much planned,
+as it was spontaneous, and I did not have the heart to call him up at a moments notice
+and take him away from his father at such a time for reasons which were nothing but
+social.
+</p>
+<p>So now I am getting ready to visit Henry’s family and I feel as if my whole future
+depends on it. Because if I can not stand <span class="pageNum" id="pb192">[<a href="#pb192">192</a>]</span>Henry’s family any more than I can stand Henry the whole thing will probly come to
+an end in the law court.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>June 21st</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well, I am now spending the weekend with Henry’s family at his old family mansion
+outside of Philadelphia, and I am beginning to think, after all, that there is something
+else in the world besides family. And I am beginning to think that family life is
+only fit for those who can stand it. For instants, they always seem to get up very
+early in Henry’s family. I mean it really is not so bad to get up early when there
+is something to get up early about, but when a girl gets up early and there is nothing
+to get up early about, it really begins to seem as if there was no sense to it.
+</p>
+<p>So yesterday we all got up early and that was when I met all of Henry’s family, because
+Henry and I motored down to Pennsylvania and everybody was in bed when we arrived
+because it was after nine o’clock. So in the morning Henry’s mother came to my room
+to get me up in time for breakfast because Henry’s mother is very very fond of <span class="pageNum" id="pb193">[<a href="#pb193">193</a>]</span>me, and she always wants to copy all of my gowns and she always loves to look through
+all of my things to see what I have got. So she found a box of liqueur candies that
+are full of liqueurs and she was really very delighted. So I finally got dressed and
+she threw the empty box away and I helped her down stairs to the Dining room.
+</p>
+<p>So Henry was waiting in the dining room with his sister and that was when I met his
+sister. So it seems that Henry’s sister has never been the same since the war, because
+she never had on a man’s collar and a necktie until she drove an <span class="sic" title="Correction: ambulance">ambulants</span> in the war, and now they cannot get her to take them off. Because ever since the
+armistice Henry’s sister seems to have the idea that regular <span class="sic" title="Correction: womens’">womens</span> clothes are <span class="sic" title="Correction: effeminate">effiminate</span>. So Henry’s sister seems to think of nothing but either horses or automobiles and
+when she is not in a garage the only other place she is happy in is a stable. I mean
+she really pays very little attention to all of her family and she seems to pay less
+attention to Henry than anybody else because she seems to have the idea that Henry’s
+brains are not so <span class="sic" title="Correction: virile">viril</span>. So then we all waited for Henry’s father to come in so <span class="pageNum" id="pb194">[<a href="#pb194">194</a>]</span>that he could read the Bible out loud before breakfast.
+</p>
+<p>So then something happened that really was a miracle. Because it seems that Henry’s
+father has practically lived in a wheel chair for months and months and his male nurse
+has to wheel him everywhere. So his male nurse wheeled him into the dining room in
+his wheel chair and then Henry said “Father, this is going to be your little daughter
+in law,” and Henry’s father took one good look at me and got right out of his wheel
+chair and walked! So then everybody was very very surprised, but Henry was not so
+surprised because Henry knows his father like a book. So then they all tried to calm
+his father down, and his father tried to read out of the Bible but he could hardly
+keep his mind on the Bible and he could hardly eat a bite because when a gentleman
+is as feeble as Henry’s father is, he cannot keep one eye on a girl and the other
+eye on his cereal and cream without coming to grief. So Henry finally became quite
+discouradged and he told his father he would have to get back to his room or he would
+have a relapse. So then the male nurse wheeled him back to his room <span class="pageNum" id="pb195">[<a href="#pb195">195</a>]</span>and it really was pathetic because he cried like a baby. So I got to thinking over
+what Dorothy advised me about Henry’s father and I really got to thinking that if
+Henry’s father could only get away from everybody and have some time of his own, Dorothy’s
+<span class="sic" title="Correction: advice">advise</span> might not be so bad after all.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p195width"><img src="images/p195.jpg" alt="“Henry’s father cannot keep one eye on a girl and the other on his cereal without coming to grief.”" width="539" height="274"><p class="figureHead">“<i>Henry’s father cannot keep one eye on a girl and the other on his cereal without coming
+to grief.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>So after breakfast we all got ready to go to church, but Henry’s sister does not go
+to church because Henry’s sister always likes to spend every Sunday in the garage
+taking their Ford farm truck apart and putting it back together again, and Henry says
+that what the war did to a girl like his sister is really worse than the war itself.
+</p>
+<p>So then Henry and his mother and I all went to church. So we came home from <span class="pageNum" id="pb196">[<a href="#pb196">196</a>]</span>church and we had luncheon and it seems that luncheon is practically the same as breakfast
+except that Henry’s father could not come down to luncheon because after he met me
+he contracted such a vialent fever that they had to send for the Doctor.
+</p>
+<p>So in the afternoon Henry went to prayer meeting and I was left alone with Henry’s
+mother so that we could rest up so that we could go to church again after supper.
+So Henry’s mother thinks I am nothing but sunshine and she will hardly let me get
+out of her sight, because she hates to be by herself because, when she is by herself,
+her brains hardly seem to work at all. So she loves to try on all of my hats and she
+loves to tell me how all the boys in the choir can hardly keep their eyes off her.
+So of course a girl has to agree with her, and it is quite difficult to agree with
+a person when you have to do it through an ear trumpet because sooner or later your
+voice has to give out.
+</p>
+<p>So then supper turned out to be practically the same thing as luncheon only by supper
+time all of the novelty seemed to wear off. So then I told Henry that I had to much
+of a headache to go to church again, so Henry <span class="pageNum" id="pb197">[<a href="#pb197">197</a>]</span>and his mother went to church and I went to my room and I sat down and thought and
+I decided that life was really <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> short to spend it in being proud of your family, even if they did have a great deal
+of money. So the best thing for me to do is to think up some scheme to make Henry
+decide not to marry me and take what I can get out of it and be satisfied.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>June 22nd</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well, yesterday I made Henry put me on the train at Philadelphia and I made him stay
+at Philadelphia so he could be near his father if his father seemed to take any more
+relapses. So I sat in my drawing room on the train and I decided that the time had
+come to get rid of Henry at any cost. So I decided that the thing that <span class="sic" title="Correction: discourages">discouradges</span> gentlemen more than anything else is shopping. Because even Mr. Eisman, who was practically
+born for we girls to shop on, and who knows just what to expect, often gets quite
+<span class="sic" title="Correction: discouraged">discouradged</span> over all of my shopping. So I decided I would get to New York and I would go to Cartiers
+and run up quite a large size bill on Henry’s credit, because after all <span class="pageNum" id="pb198">[<a href="#pb198">198</a>]</span>our engagement has been announced in all of the newspapers, and Henry’s credit is
+really my credit.
+</p>
+<p>So while I was thinking it all over there was a knock on the drawing room door, so
+I told him to come in and it was a gentleman who said he had seen me quite a lot in
+New York and he had always wanted to have an introduction to me, because we had quite
+a lot of friends who were common. So then he gave me his card and his name was on
+his card and it was Mr. Gilbertson Montrose and his profession is a senario writer.
+So then I asked him to sit down and we held a literary conversation.
+</p>
+<p>So I really feel as if yesterday was a turning point in my life, because at last I
+have met a gentleman who is not only an artist but who has got brains besides. I mean
+he is the kind of a gentleman that a girl could sit at his feet and listen to for
+days and days and nearly always learn something or other. Because, after all, there
+is nothing that gives a girl more of a thrill than brains in a gentleman, especially
+after a girl has been spending the week end with Henry. So Mr. Montrose talked and
+talked all of the way to New <span class="pageNum" id="pb199">[<a href="#pb199">199</a>]</span>York and I sat there and did nothing else but listen. So according to Mr. Montrose’s
+opinion <span class="sic" title="Correction: Shakespeare">Shakespear</span> is a very great <span class="sic" title="Correction: playwright">playwrite</span>, and he thinks that Hamlet is quite a famous tragedy and as far as novels are concerned
+he believes that nearly everybody had ought to read Dickens. And when we got on the
+subject of poetry he recited “The Shooting of Dan McGrew” until you could almost hear
+the gun go off.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p199width"><img src="images/p199.jpg" alt="“When he recited ‘The Shooting of Dan McGrew’ you could almost hear the gun go off.”" width="537" height="275"><p class="figureHead">“<i>When he recited ‘The Shooting of Dan McGrew’ you could almost hear the gun go off.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>And then I asked Mr. Montrose to tell me all about himself. So it seems that Mr. Montrose
+was on his way home from Washington D. C., where he went to see the Bulgarian Ambassadore
+to see if he could get Bulgaria to finance a senario he has written which is <span class="pageNum" id="pb200">[<a href="#pb200">200</a>]</span>a great historical subject which is founded on the sex life of Dolly Madison. So it
+seems that Mr. Montrose has met quite a lot of Bulgarians in a Bulgarian restaurant
+on Lexington Avenue and that was what gave him the idea to get the money from Bulgaria.
+Because Mr. Montrose said that he could fill his senario full of Bulgarian propoganda,
+and he told the Bulgarian Ambassadore that every time he realised how ignorant all
+of the American film fans were on the subject of Bulgaria, it made him flinch.
+</p>
+<p>So I told Mr. Montrose that it made me feel very very small to talk to a gentleman
+like he, who knew so much about Bulgaria, because practically all I knew about Bulgaria
+was Zoolack. So Mr. Montrose said that the Bulgarian Ambassadore did not seem to think
+that Dolly Madison had so much about her that was pertinent to present day Bulgaria,
+but Mr. Montrose explained to him that that was because he knew practically nothing
+about dramatic construction. Because Mr. Montrose said he could fix his senario so
+that Dolly Madison would have one lover who was a Bulgarian, who wanted to marry her.
+So then Dolly Madison would get to wondering <span class="pageNum" id="pb201">[<a href="#pb201">201</a>]</span>what her great, great grandchildren would be like if she married a Bulgarian, and
+then she could sit down and have a vision of Bulgaria in 1925. So that was when Mr.
+Montrose would take a trip to Bulgaria to photograph the vision. But the Bulgarian
+Ambassadore turned down the whole proposition, but he gave Mr. Montrose quite a large
+size bottle of the Bulgarian national drink. So the Bulgarian national drink looks
+like nothing so much as water, and it really does not taste so strong, but about five
+minutes afterwards you begin to <span class="sic" title="Correction: realize">realise</span> your mistake. But I thought to myself that if realizing my mistake could make me
+forget what I went through in Pennsylvania, I really owed it to myself to forget everything.
+So then we had another drink.
+</p>
+<p>So then Mr. Montrose told me that he had quite a hard time getting along in the motion
+picture profession, because all of his <span class="sic" title="Correction: scenarios">senarios</span> are all over their head. Because when Mr. Montrose writes about sex, it is full of
+<span class="sic" title="Correction: psychology">sychology</span>, but when everybody else writes about it, it is full of nothing but transparent <span class="sic" title="Correction: negligees">negligays</span> and ornamental bath tubs. And Mr. Montrose says that there is no future in the <span class="pageNum" id="pb202">[<a href="#pb202">202</a>]</span>motion pictures until the motion pictures get their sex motives straightened out,
+and realize that a woman of 25 can have just as many sex problems as a flapper of
+16. Because Mr. Montrose likes to write about women of the world, and he refuses to
+have women of the world played by small size girls of 15 who know nothing about life
+and who have not even been in the detention home.
+</p>
+<p>So we both arrived in New York before we realized it, and I got to thinking how the
+same trip with Henry in his Rolls Royce seemed like about 24 hours, and that was what
+gave me the idea that money was not everything, because after all, it is only brains
+that count. So Mr. Montrose took me home and we are going to have luncheon together
+at the Primrose Tea room practically every day and keep right on holding literary
+conversations.
+</p>
+<p>So then I had to figure out how to get rid of Henry and at the same time not do anything
+that would make me any trouble later. So I sent for Dorothy because Dorothy is not
+so good at intreeging a gentleman with money, but she ought to be full of ideas on
+how to get rid of one.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb203">[<a href="#pb203">203</a>]</span></p>
+<p>So at first Dorothy said, Why didn’t I take a chance and marry Henry because she had
+an idea that if Henry married me he would commit suicide about two weeks later. But
+I told her about my plan to do quite a lot of shopping, and I told her that I would
+send for Henry and I would manage it so that I would not be in the apartment when
+he came, but she could be there and start a conversation with him and she could tell
+him about all of my shopping and how extravagant I seemed to be and he would be in
+the poor house in less than a year if he married me.
+</p>
+<p>So Dorothy said for me to take one farewell look at Henry and leave him to her, because
+the next time I saw him would be in the witness box and I might not even recognize
+him because she would throw a scare into him that might change his whole physical
+appearance. So I decided to leave him in the hands of Dorothy and hope for the best.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>July 10th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well, last month was really almost a diary in itself, and I have to begin to realize
+that I am one of the kind of girls that things happen <span class="pageNum" id="pb204">[<a href="#pb204">204</a>]</span>to. And I have to admit, after all, that life is really wonderful. Because so much
+has happened in the last few weeks that it almost makes a girl’s brains whirl.
+</p>
+<p>I mean in the first place I went shopping at Cartiers and bought quite a delightful
+square cut emerald and quite a long rope of pearls on Henry’s credit. So then I called
+up Henry on the long distants telephone and told him that I wanted to see him quite
+a lot, so he was very very pleased and he said that he would come right up to New
+York.
+</p>
+<p>So then I told Dorothy to come to the apartment and be there when Henry came, and
+to show Henry what I bought on his credit, and to tell him how extravagant I seem
+to be, and how I seem to keep on getting worse. So I told Dorothy to go as far as
+she liked, so long as she did not insinuate anything against my character, because
+the more spotless my character seems to be, the better things might turn out later.
+So Henry was due at the apartment about 1.20, so I had Lulu get some luncheon for
+he and Dorothy and I told Dorothy to tell him that I <span class="pageNum" id="pb205">[<a href="#pb205">205</a>]</span>had gone out to look at the Russian Crown Jewels that some Russian Grand Duchess or
+other had for sale at the Ritz.
+</p>
+<p>So then I went to the Primrose Tea Room to have luncheon with Mr. Montrose because
+Mr. Montrose loves to tell me of all his plans, and he says that I seem to remind
+him quite a lot of a girl called Madame Recamier who all the <span class="sic" title="Correction: intellectual">intelectual</span> gentlemen used to tell all of their plans to, even when there was a French revolution
+going on all around them.
+</p>
+<p>So Mr. Montrose and I had a delicious luncheon, except that I never seem to notice
+what I am eating when I am with Mr. Montrose because when Mr. Montrose talks a girl
+wants to do nothing but listen. But all of the time I was listening, I was thinking
+about Dorothy and I was worrying for fear Dorothy would go <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> far, and tell Henry something that would not be so good for me afterwards. So finally
+even Mr. Montrose seemed to notice it, and he said “What’s the matter little woman,
+a penny for your thoughts.”
+</p>
+<p>So then I told him everything. So he seemed to think quite a lot and finally he said
+to me “It is really to bad that you feel as <span class="pageNum" id="pb206">[<a href="#pb206">206</a>]</span>if the social life of Mr. Spoffard bored you, because Mr. Spoffard would be ideal
+to finance my senario.” So then Mr. Montrose said that he had been thinking from the
+very first how ideal I would be to play Dolly Madison. So that started me thinking
+and I told Mr. Montrose that I expected to have quite a large size ammount of money
+later on, and I would finance it myself. But Mr. Montrose said that would be to late,
+because all of the motion picture corporations were after it now, and it would be
+snaped up almost immediately.
+</p>
+<p>So then I became almost in a panick, because I suddenly decided that if I married
+Henry and worked in the motion pictures at the same time, society life with Henry
+would not really be so bad. Because if a girl was so busy as all that, it really would
+not seem to matter so much if she had to stand Henry when she was not busy. But then
+I realized what Dorothy was up to, and I told Mr. Montrose that I was almost afraid
+it was to late. So I hurried to the telephone and I called up Dorothy at the apartment
+and I asked her what she had said to Henry. So Dorothy said that she showed him the
+square <span class="pageNum" id="pb207">[<a href="#pb207">207</a>]</span>cut emerald and told him that I bought it as a knick-knack to go with a green dress,
+but I had got a spot on the dress, so I was going to give them both to Lulu. So she
+said she showed him the pearls and she said that after I had bought them, I was sorry
+I did not get pink ones because white ones were so common, so I was going to have
+Lulu unstring them and sew them on a negligay. So then she told him she was rather
+sorry I meant to buy the Russian Crown jewels because she had a feeling they were
+unlucky, but that I had said to her, that if I found out they were, I could toss them
+over my left shoulder into the Hudson river some night when there was a new moon,
+and it would take away the curse.
+</p>
+<p>So then she said that Henry began to get restless. So then she told him she was very
+glad I was going to get married at last because I had had such bad luck, that every
+time I became engaged something seemed to happen to my fiance. So Henry asked her
+what, for instance. So Dorothy said a couple were in the insane asylum, one had shot
+himself for debt, and the county farm was taking care of the remainder. So Henry <span class="pageNum" id="pb208">[<a href="#pb208">208</a>]</span>asked her how they got that way. So Dorothy told him it was nothing but my <span class="sic" title="Correction: extravagance">extravagants</span>, and she told him that she was surprised that he had never heard about it, because
+all I had to do was to take luncheon at the Ritz with some prominent broker and the
+next day the bottom would drop out of the market. And she told him that she did not
+want to insinuate anything, but that I had dined with a very, very prominent German
+the day before German marks started to <span class="sic" title="Correction: collapse">colapse</span>.
+</p>
+<p>So I became almost frantic and I told Dorothy to hold Henry at the apartment until
+I could get up there and explain. So I held the telephone while Dorothy went to see
+if Henry would wait. So Dorothy came back in a minute and she said that the parlor
+was empty, but that if I would hurry down to Broadway no doubt I would see a cloud
+of dust heading towards the Pennsylvania station, and that would be Henry.
+</p>
+<p>So then I went back to Mr. Montrose, and I told him that I must catch Henry at the
+Pennsylvania Station at any cost. And if anyone were to say that we left the Primrose
+tea room in a hurry, they would be putting it <span class="pageNum" id="pb209">[<a href="#pb209">209</a>]</span>quite mildly. So we got to the Pennsylvania station and I just had time to get on
+board the train to Philadelphia and I left Mr. Montrose standing at the train biting
+his finger nails in all of his anxiety. But I called out to him to go to his Hotel
+and I would telephone the result as soon as the train arrived.
+</p>
+<p>So then I went through the train, and there was Henry with a look on his face which
+I shall never forget. So when he saw me he really seemed to shrink to ½ his natural
+size. So I sat down beside him and I told him that I was really ashamed of how he
+acted, and if his love for me could not stand a little test that I and Dorothy had
+thought up, more in the spirit of fun than anything else, I never wanted to speak
+to such a gentleman again. And I told him that if he could not tell the difference
+between a real square cut emerald and one from the ten cent store, that he had ought
+to be ashamed of himself. And I told him that if he thought that every string of white
+beads were pearls, it was no wonder he could make such a mistake in judging the character
+of a girl. So then I began to cry because of all of Henry’s lack <span class="pageNum" id="pb210">[<a href="#pb210">210</a>]</span>of faith. So then he tried to cheer me up but I was <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> hurt to even give him a decent word until we were past Newark. But by the time we
+were past Newark, Henry was crying himself, and it always makes me feel so tender
+hearted to listen to a gentleman cry that I finally forgave him. So, of course, as
+soon as I got home I had to take them back to Cartiers.
+</p>
+<p>So then I explained to Henry how I wanted our life to mean something and I wanted
+to make the World a better place than it seemed to have been yet. And I told him that
+he knew so much about the film profession on account of <span class="sic" title="Correction: censuring">senshuring</span> all of the films that I thought he had ought to go into the film profession. Because
+I told him that a gentleman like he really owed it to the world to make pure films
+so that he could be an example to all of the other film corporations and show the
+world what pure films were like. So Henry became very, very <span class="sic" title="Correction: intrigued">intreeged</span> because he had never thought of the film profession before. So then I told him that
+we could get H. Gilbertson Montrose to write the <span class="sic" title="Correction: scenarios">senarios</span>, and he to <span class="sic" title="Correction: censor">senshure</span> them, and I could act in them and by the time we all got through, they would <span class="pageNum" id="pb211">[<a href="#pb211">211</a>]</span>be a work of art. But they would even be purer than most works of art seem to be.
+So by the time we got to Philadelphia Henry said that he would do it, but he really
+did not think I had ought to act in them. But I told him from what I had seen of society
+women trying to break into the films, I did not believe that it would be so declasée
+if one of them really landed. So I even talked him into that.
+</p>
+<p>So when we got to Henry’s country estate, we told all of Henry’s family and they were
+all delighted. Because it is the first time since the war that Henry’s family have
+had anything definite to put their minds on. I mean Henry’s sister really jumped at
+the idea because she said she would take charge of the studio trucks and keep them
+at a bed-rock figure. So I even promised Henry’s mother that she could act in the
+films. I mean I even believe that we could put in a close-up of her from time to time,
+because after all, nearly every photoplay has to have some comedy relief. And I promised
+Henry’s father that we would wheel him through the studio and let him look at all
+of the actresses and he <span class="pageNum" id="pb212">[<a href="#pb212">212</a>]</span>nearly had another relapse. So then I called up Mr. Montrose and made an appointment
+with him to meet Henry and talk it all over, and Mr. Montrose, said, “Bless you, little
+woman.”
+</p>
+<p>So I am almost beginning to believe it, when everybody says I am nothing but sunshine
+because everybody I come into contract with always seems to become happy. I mean with
+the exception of Mr. Eisman. Because when I got back to New York, I opened all of
+his cablegrams and I realized that he was due to arrive on the <i>Aquitania</i> the very next day. So I met him at the <i>Aquitania</i> and I took him to luncheon at the Ritz and I told him all about everything. So then
+he became very, very depressed because he said that just as soon as he had got me
+all educated, I had to go off and get married. But I told him that he really ought
+to be very proud of me, because in the future, when he would see me at luncheon at
+the Ritz as the wife of the famous Henry H. Spoffard, I would always bow to him, if
+I saw him, and he could point me out to all of his friends and tell them that it was
+he, Gus Eisman himself, who educated me <span class="pageNum" id="pb213">[<a href="#pb213">213</a>]</span>up to my station. So that cheered Mr. Eisman up a lot and I really do not care what
+he says to his friends, because, after all, his friends are not in my set, and whatever
+he says to them will not get around in my circle. So after our luncheon was all over,
+I really think that, even if Mr. Eisman was not so happy, he could not help having
+a sort of a feeling of relief, especially when he thinks of all my shopping.
+</p>
+<p>So after that came my wedding and all of the Society people in New York and Philadelphia
+came to my wedding and they were all so sweet to me, because practically every one
+of them has written a <span class="sic" title="Correction: scenario">senario</span>. And everybody says my wedding was very, very beautiful. I mean even Dorothy said
+it was very beautiful, only Dorothy said she had to concentrate her mind on the massacre
+of the Armenians to keep herself from laughing right out loud in everybody’s face.
+But that only shows that not even Matrimony is sacred to a girl like Dorothy. And
+after the wedding was over, I overheard Dorothy talking to Mr. Montrose and she was
+telling Mr. Montrose that she thought that I would be <span class="pageNum" id="pb214">[<a href="#pb214">214</a>]</span>great in the movies if he would write me a part that only had three expressions, Joy,
+Sorrow, and Indigestion. So I do not really believe that Dorothy is such a true friend
+after all.
+</p>
+<p>So Henry and I did not go on any honeymoon because I told Henry that it really would
+be selfish for us to go off alone together, when all of our activities seemed to need
+us so much. Because, after all, I have to spend quite a lot of time with Mr. Montrose
+going over the senario together because, Mr. Montrose says I am full of nothing so
+much as ideas.
+</p>
+<p>So, in order to give Henry something to do while Mr. Montrose and I are working on
+the senario I got Henry to organize a Welfare League among all of the extra girls
+and get them to tell him all of their problems so he can give them all of his spiritual
+aid. And it has really been a very, very great success, because there is not much
+work going on at the other studios at present so all of the extra girls have nothing
+better to do and they all know that Henry will not give them a job at our studio unless
+they belong. <span class="pageNum" id="pb215">[<a href="#pb215">215</a>]</span>So the worse they tell Henry they have been before they met him, the better he likes
+it and Dorothy says that she was at the studio yesterday and she says that if the
+senarios those extra girls have written around themselves to tell Henry could only
+be screened and gotten past the sensors, the movies would move right up out of their
+infancy.
+</p>
+<p>So Henry says that I have opened up a whole new world for him and he has never been
+so happy in his life. And it really seems as if everyone I know has never been so
+happy in their lives. Because I make Henry let his father come to the studio every
+day because, after all, every studio has to have somebody who seems to be a pest,
+and in our case it might just as well be Henry’s father. So I have given orders to
+all of the electricians not to drop any lights on him, but to let him have a good
+time because, after all, it is the first one he has had. And as far as Henry’s mother
+is concerned, she is having her hair bobbed and her face lifted and getting ready
+to play Carmen because she saw a girl called Madam Calve play it when she was on her
+honeymoon and she has always <span class="pageNum" id="pb216">[<a href="#pb216">216</a>]</span>really felt that she could do it better. So I do not <span class="sic" title="Correction: discourage">discouradge</span> her, but I let her go ahead and enjoy herself. But I am not going to bother to speak
+to the electricians about Henry’s mother. And Henry’s sister has never been so happy
+since the Battle of Verdun, because she has six trucks and 15 horses to look after
+and she says that the motion picture profession is the nearest thing to war that she
+has struck since the Armistice. And even Dorothy is very happy because Dorothy says
+that she has had more laughs this month than Eddie Cantor gets in a year. But when
+it comes to Mr. Montrose, I really believe that he is happier than anybody else, because
+of all of the understanding and sympathy he seems to get out of me.
+</p>
+<p>And so I am very happy myself because, after all, the greatest thing in life is to
+always be making everybody else happy. And so, while everybody is so happy, I really
+think it is a good time to finish my diary because after all, I am <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> busy going over my senarios with Mr. Montrose, to keep up any other kind of literary
+work. And I am so busy bringing sunshine into the life of Henry <span class="pageNum" id="pb217">[<a href="#pb217">217</a>]</span>that I really think, with everything else I seem to acomplish, it is all a girl had
+ought to try to do. And so I really think that I can say good-bye to my diary feeling
+that, after all, everything always turns out for the best.
+</p>
+<p class="trailer xd31e1957">THE END</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div class="back">
+<div class="div1 cover"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divBody">
+<p class="first"></p>
+<div class="figure backwidth"><img src="images/back.jpg" alt="Original Back Cover." width="469" height="720"></div><p>
+</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div class="transcriberNote">
+<h2 class="main">Colophon</h2>
+<h3 class="main">Availability</h3>
+<p class="first">This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions
+whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project
+Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at <a class="seclink xd31e44" title="External link" href="https://www.gutenberg.org/" rel="home">www.gutenberg.org</a>.
+</p>
+<p>This eBook is produced by the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at <a class="seclink xd31e44" title="External link" href="https://www.pgdp.net/">www.pgdp.net</a>.
+</p>
+<h3 class="main">Metadata</h3>
+<table class="colophonMetadata" summary="Metadata">
+<tr>
+<td><b>Title:</b></td>
+<td>“Gentlemen prefer blondes”: the illuminating diary of a professional lady</td>
+<td></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><b>Author:</b></td>
+<td>Anita Loos (1889–1981)</td>
+<td><a href="https://viaf.org/viaf/56711909/" class="seclink">Info</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><b>Illustrator:</b></td>
+<td>Ralph Barton (1891–1931)</td>
+<td><a href="https://viaf.org/viaf/47084514/" class="seclink">Info</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><b>Language:</b></td>
+<td>English</td>
+<td></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><b>Original publication date:</b></td>
+<td>1925</td>
+<td></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<h3 class="main">Encoding</h3>
+<p class="first">The numerous spelling mistakes in this work are intentional, and have thus been retained.
+Extra pages that duplicate the chapter headings have been omitted.</p>
+<p>The reference in the copyright notice to <i>Harper’s Bazar</i> is correct. The name of that publication was changed to <i>Harper’s Bazaar</i> in 1930, after the publication of this book.</p>
+<h3 class="main">Revision History</h3>
+<ul>
+<li>2021-11-25 Started.
+</li>
+</ul>
+<h3 class="main">External References</h3>
+<p>This Project Gutenberg eBook contains external references. These links may not work
+for you.</p>
+<h3 class="main">Corrections</h3>
+<p>The following corrections have been applied to the text:</p>
+<table class="correctionTable" summary="Overview of corrections applied to the text.">
+<tr>
+<th>Page</th>
+<th>Source</th>
+<th>Correction</th>
+<th>Edit distance</th>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="width20"><a class="pageref" href="#xd31e1033">108</a></td>
+<td class="width40 bottom">.</td>
+<td class="width40 bottom">,</td>
+<td class="bottom">1</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="width20"><a class="pageref" href="#xd31e1048">111</a></td>
+<td class="width40 bottom">
+[<i>Not in source</i>]
+</td>
+<td class="width40 bottom">”</td>
+<td class="bottom">1</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="width20"><a class="pageref" href="#xd31e1119">121</a></td>
+<td class="width40 bottom">‘</td>
+<td class="width40 bottom">“</td>
+<td class="bottom">1</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 66829 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg eBook of "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes", by Anita Loos
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and
+most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
+whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms
+of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at
+www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you
+will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before
+using this eBook.
+
+Title: "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
+       The Illuminating Diary of a Professional Lady
+
+Author: Anita Loos
+
+Release Date: November 27, 2021 [eBook #66829]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+Produced by: Jeroen Hellingman and the Online Distributed Proofreading
+             Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from
+             images generously made available by The Internet
+             Archive/American Libraries.)
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK "GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES" ***
+
+
+
+                       “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes”
+             The Illuminating Diary of a Professional Lady
+
+                                   By
+                               Anita Loos
+
+                       Intimately Illustrated by
+                              RALPH BARTON
+
+
+
+                                NEW YORK
+                            BONI & LIVERIGHT
+                                  1925
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+                                   To
+                              JOHN EMERSON
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+        CHAPTER                                 PAGE
+
+        I.      Gentlemen Prefer Blondes          11
+        II.     Fate Keeps on Happening           39
+        III.    London Is Really Nothing          63
+        IV.     Paris Is Devine                   93
+        V.      The Central of Europe            131
+        VI.     Brains Are Really Everything     175
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES
+
+
+CHAPTER ONE
+
+GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES
+
+
+March 16th:
+
+A gentleman friend and I were dining at the Ritz last evening and he
+said that if I took a pencil and a paper and put down all of my
+thoughts it would make a book. This almost made me smile as what it
+would really make would be a whole row of encyclopediacs. I mean I seem
+to be thinking practically all of the time. I mean it is my favorite
+recreation and sometimes I sit for hours and do not seem to do anything
+else but think. So this gentleman said a girl with brains ought to do
+something else with them besides think. And he said he ought to know
+brains when he sees them, because he is in the senate and he spends
+quite a great deal of time in Washington, d. c., and when he comes into
+contract with brains he always notices it. So it might have all blown
+over but this morning he sent me a book. And so when my maid brought it
+to me, I said to her, “Well, Lulu, here is another book and we have not
+read half the ones we have got yet.” But when I opened it and saw that
+it was all a blank I remembered what my gentleman acquaintance said,
+and so then I realized that it was a diary. So here I am writing a book
+instead of reading one.
+
+But now it is the 16th of March and of course it is to late to begin
+with January, but it does not matter as my gentleman friend, Mr.
+Eisman, was in town practically all of January and February, and when
+he is in town one day seems to be practically the same as the next day.
+
+I mean Mr. Eisman is in the wholesale button profession in Chicago and
+he is the gentleman who is known practically all over Chicago as Gus
+Eisman the Button King. And he is the gentleman who is interested in
+educating me, so of course he is always coming down to New York to see
+how my brains have improved since the last time. But when Mr. Eisman is
+in New York we always seem to do the same thing and if I wrote down one
+day in my diary, all I would have to do would be to put quotation marks
+for all other days. I mean we always seem to have dinner at the Colony
+and see a show and go to the Trocadero and then Mr. Eisman shows me to
+my apartment. So of course when a gentleman is interested in educating
+a girl, he likes to stay and talk about the topics of the day until
+quite late, so I am quite fatigued the next day and I do not really get
+up until it is time to dress for dinner at the Colony.
+
+It would be strange if I turn out to be an authoress. I mean at my home
+near Little Rock, Arkansas, my family all wanted me to do something
+about my music. Because all of my friends said I had talent and they
+all kept after me and kept after me about practising. But some way I
+never seemed to care so much about practising. I mean I simply could
+not sit for hours and hours at a time practising just for the sake of a
+career. So one day I got quite tempermental and threw the old mandolin
+clear across the room and I have really never touched it since. But
+writing is different because you do not have to learn or practise and
+it is more tempermental because practising seems to take all the
+temperment out of me. So now I really almost have to smile because I
+have just noticed that I have written clear across two pages onto March
+18th, so this will do for today and tomorrow. And it just shows how
+tempermental I am when I get started.
+
+
+
+March 19th:
+
+Well last evening Dorothy called up and Dorothy said she has met a
+gentleman who gave himself an introduction to her in the lobby of the
+Ritz. So then they went to luncheon and tea and dinner and then they
+went to a show and then they went to the Trocadero. So Dorothy said his
+name was Lord Cooksleigh but what she really calls him is Coocoo. So
+Dorothy said why don’t you and I and Coocoo go to the Follies tonight
+and bring Gus along if he is in town? So then Dorothy and I had quite a
+little quarrel because every time that Dorothy mentions the subject of
+Mr. Eisman she calls Mr. Eisman by his first name, and she does not
+seem to realize that when a gentleman who is as important as Mr.
+Eisman, spends quite a lot of money educating a girl, it really does
+not show reverance to call a gentleman by his first name. I mean I
+never even think of calling Mr. Eisman by his first name, but if I want
+to call him anything at all, I call him “Daddy” and I do not even call
+him “Daddy” if a place seems to be public. So I told Dorothy that Mr.
+Eisman would not be in town until day after tomorrow. So then Dorothy
+and Coocoo came up and we went to the Follies.
+
+So this morning Coocoo called up and he wanted me to luncheon at the
+Ritz. I mean these foreigners really have quite a nerve. Just because
+Coocoo is an Englishman and a Lord he thinks a girl can waste hours on
+him just for a luncheon at the Ritz, when all he does is talk about
+some exposition he went on to a place called Tibet and after talking
+for hours I found out that all they were was a lot of Chinamen. So I
+will be quite glad to see Mr. Eisman when he gets in. Because he always
+has something quite interesting to talk about, as for instants the last
+time he was here he presented me with quite a beautiful emerald
+bracelet. So next week is my birthday and he always has some delightful
+surprise on holidays.
+
+I did intend to luncheon at the Ritz with Dorothy today and of course
+Coocoo had to spoil it, as I told him that I could not luncheon with
+him today, because my brother was in town on business and had the
+mumps, so I really could not leave him alone. Because of course if I
+went to the Ritz now I would bump into Coocoo. But I sometimes almost
+have to smile at my own imagination, because of course I have not got
+any brother and I have not even thought of the mumps for years. I mean
+it is no wonder that I can write.
+
+So the reason I thought I would take luncheon at the Ritz was because
+Mr. Chaplin is at the Ritz and I always like to renew old
+acquaintances, because I met Mr. Chaplin once when we were both working
+on the same lot in Hollywood and I am sure he would remember me.
+Gentlemen always seem to remember blondes. I mean the only career I
+would like to be besides an authoress is a cinema star and I was doing
+quite well in the cinema when Mr. Eisman made me give it all up.
+Because of course when a gentleman takes such a friendly interest in
+educating a girl as Mr. Eisman does, you like to show that you
+appreciate it, and he is against a girl being in the cinema because his
+mother is authrodox.
+
+
+
+March 20th:
+
+Mr. Eisman gets in tomorrow to be here in time for my birthday. So I
+thought it would really be delightful to have at least one good time
+before Mr. Eisman got in, so last evening I had some literary gentlemen
+in to spend the evening because Mr. Eisman always likes me to have
+literary people in and out of the apartment. I mean he is quite anxious
+for a girl to improve her mind and his greatest interest in me is
+because I always seem to want to improve my mind and not waste any
+time. And Mr. Eisman likes me to have what the French people call a
+“salo” which means that people all get together in the evening and
+improve their minds. So I invited all of the brainy gentlemen I could
+think up. So I thought up a gentleman who is the proffessor of all of
+the economics up at Columbia College, and the editor who is the famous
+editor of the New York Transcript and another gentleman who is a famous
+playright who writes very, very famous plays that are all about Life. I
+mean anybody would recognize his name but it always seems to slip my
+memory because all of we real friends of his only call him Sam. So Sam
+asked if he could bring a gentleman who writes novels from England, so
+I said yes, so he brought him. And then we all got together and I
+called up Gloria and Dorothy and the gentleman brought their own
+liquor. So of course the place was a wreck this morning and Lulu and I
+worked like proverbial dogs to get it cleaned up, but Heaven knows how
+long it will take to get the chandelier fixed.
+
+
+
+March 22nd:
+
+Well my birthday has come and gone but it was really quite depressing.
+I mean it seems to me a gentleman who has a friendly interest in
+educating a girl like Gus Eisman, would want her to have the biggest
+square cut diamond in New York. I mean I must say I was quite
+disappointed when he came to the apartment with a little thing you
+could hardly see. So I told him I thought it was quite cute, but I had
+quite a headache and I had better stay in a dark room all day and I
+told him I would see him the next day, perhaps. Because even Lulu
+thought it was quite small and she said, if she was I, she really would
+do something definite and she said she always believed in the old
+addage, “Leave them while you’re looking good.” But he came in at
+dinner time with really a very very beautiful bracelet of square cut
+diamonds so I was quite cheered up. So then we had dinner at the Colony
+and we went to a show and supper at the Trocadero as usual whenever he
+is in town. But I will give him credit that he realized how small it
+was. I mean he kept talking about how bad business was and the button
+profession was full of bolshevicks who make nothing but trouble.
+Because Mr. Eisman feels that the country is really on the verge of the
+bolshevicks and I become quite worried. I mean if the bolshevicks do
+get in, there is only one gentleman who could handle them and that is
+Mr. D. W. Griffith. Because I will never forget when Mr. Griffith was
+directing Intolerance. I mean it was my last cinema just before Mr.
+Eisman made me give up my career and I was playing one of the girls
+that fainted at the battle when all of the gentlemen fell off the
+tower. And when I saw how Mr. Griffith handled all of those mobs in
+Intolerance I realized that he could do anything, and I really think
+that the government of America ought to tell Mr. Griffith to get all
+ready if the bolshevicks start to do it.
+
+Well I forgot to mention that the English gentleman who writes novels
+seems to have taken quite an interest in me, as soon as he found out
+that I was literary. I mean he has called up every day and I went to
+tea twice with him. So he has sent me a whole complete set of books for
+my birthday by a gentleman called Mr. Conrad. They all seem to be about
+ocean travel although I have not had time to more than glance through
+them. I have always liked novels about ocean travel ever since I posed
+for Mr. Christie for the front cover of a novel about ocean travel by
+McGrath because I always say that a girl never really looks as well as
+she does on board a steamship, or even a yacht.
+
+So the English gentleman’s name is Mr. Gerald Lamson as those who have
+read his novels would know. And he also sent me some of his own novels
+and they all seem to be about middle age English gentlemen who live in
+the country over in London and seem to ride bicycles, which seems quite
+different from America, except at Palm Beach. So I told Mr. Lamson how
+I write down all of my thoughts and he said he knew I had something to
+me from the first minute he saw me and when we become better acquainted
+I am going to let him read my diary. I mean I even told Mr. Eisman
+about him and he is quite pleased. Because of course Mr. Lamson is
+quite famous and it seems Mr. Eisman has read all of his novels going
+to and fro on the trains and Mr. Eisman is always anxious to meet
+famous people and take them to the Ritz to dinner on Saturday night.
+But of course I did not tell Mr. Eisman that I am really getting quite
+a little crush on Mr. Lamson, which I really believe I am, but Mr.
+Eisman thinks my interest in him is more literary.
+
+
+
+March 30th:
+
+At last Mr. Eisman has left on the 20th Century and I must say I am
+quite fatigued and a little rest will be quite welcome. I mean I do not
+mind staying out late every night if I dance, but Mr. Eisman is really
+not such a good dancer so most of the time we just sit and drink some
+champagne or have a bite to eat and of course I do not dance with
+anyone else when I am out with Mr. Eisman. But Mr. Eisman and Gerry, as
+Mr. Lamson wants me to call him, became quite good friends and we had
+several evenings, all three together. So now that Mr. Eisman is out of
+town at last, Gerry and I are going out together this evening and Gerry
+said not to dress up, because Gerry seems to like me more for my soul.
+So I really had to tell Gerry that if all the gentlemen were like he
+seems to be, Madame Frances’ whole dress making establishment would
+have to go out of business. But Gerry does not like a girl to be
+nothing else but a doll, but he likes her to bring in her husband’s
+slippers every evening and make him forget what he has gone through.
+
+But before Mr. Eisman went to Chicago he told me that he is going to
+Paris this summer on professional business and I think he intends to
+present me with a trip to Paris as he says there is nothing so
+educational as traveling. I mean it did worlds of good to Dorothy when
+she went abroad last spring and I never get tired of hearing her
+telling how the merry-go-rounds in Paris have pigs instead of horses.
+But I really do not know whether to be thrilled or not because, of
+course, if I go to Paris I will have to leave Gerry and both Gerry and
+I have made up our minds not to be separated from one another from now
+on.
+
+
+
+March 31st:
+
+Last night Gerry and I had dinner at quite a quaint place where we had
+roast beef and baked potato. I mean he always wants me to have food
+which is what he calls “nourishing” which most gentlemen never seem to
+think about. So then we took a hansom cab and drove for hours around
+the park because Gerry said the air would be good for me. It is really
+very sweet to have some one think of all those things that gentlemen
+hardly ever seem to think about. So then we talked quite a lot. I mean
+Gerry knows how to draw a girl out and I told him things that I really
+would not even put in my diary. So when he heard all about my life he
+became quite depressed and we both had tears in our eyes. Because he
+said he never dreamed a girl could go through so much as I, and come
+out so sweet and not made bitter by it all. I mean Gerry thinks that
+most gentlemen are brutes and hardly ever think about a girl’s soul.
+
+So it seems that Gerry has had quite a lot of trouble himself and he
+can not even get married on account of his wife. He and she have never
+been in love with each other but she was a suffragette and asked him to
+marry her, so what could he do? So we rode all around the park until
+quite late talking and philosophizing quite a lot and I finally told
+him that I thought, after all, that bird life was the highest form of
+civilization. So Gerry calls me his little thinker and I really would
+not be surprised if all of my thoughts will give him quite a few ideas
+for his novels. Because Gerry says he has never seen a girl of my
+personal appearance with so many brains. And he had almost given up
+looking for his ideal when our paths seemed to cross each other and I
+told him I really thought a thing like that was nearly always the
+result of fate.
+
+So Gerry says that I remind him quite a lot of Helen of Troy, who was
+of Greek extraction. But the only Greek I know is a Greek gentleman by
+the name of Mr. Georgopolis who is really quite wealthy and he is what
+Dorothy and I call a “Shopper” because you can always call him up at
+any hour and ask him to go shopping and he is always quite delighted,
+which very few gentlemen seem to be. And he never seems to care how
+much anything costs. I mean Mr. Georgopolis is also quite cultured, as
+I know quite a few gentlemen who can speak to a waiter in French but
+Mr. Georgopolis can also speak to a waiter in Greek which very few
+gentlemen seem to be able to do.
+
+
+
+April 1st:
+
+I am taking special pains with my diary from now on as I am really
+writing it for Gerry. I mean he and I are going to read it together
+some evening in front of the fireplace. But Gerry leaves this evening
+for Boston as he has to lecture about all of his works at Boston, but
+he will rush right back as soon as possible. So I am going to spend all
+of my time improving myself while he is gone. And this afternoon we are
+both going to a museum on 5th Avenue, because Gerry wants to show me a
+very very beautiful cup made by an antique jeweler called Mr. Cellini
+and he wants me to read Mr. Cellini’s life which is a very very fine
+book and not dull while he is in Boston.
+
+So the famous playright friend of mine who is called Sam called up this
+morning and he wanted me to go to a literary party tonight that he and
+some other literary gentlemen are giving to Florence Mills in Harlem
+but Gerry does not want me to go with Sam as Sam always insists on
+telling riskay stories. But personally I am quite broad minded and I
+always say that I do not mind a riskay story as long as it is really
+funny. I mean I have a great sense of humor. But Gerry says Sam does
+not always select and choose his stories and he just as soon I did not
+go out with him. So I am going to stay home and read the book by Mr.
+Cellini instead, because, after all, the only thing I am really
+interested in, is improving my mind. So I am going to do nothing else
+but improve my mind while Gerry is in Boston. I mean I just received a
+cable from Willie Gwynn who arrives from Europe tomorrow, but I am not
+even going to bother to see him. He is a sweet boy but he never gets
+anywhere and I am not going to waste my time on such as him, after
+meeting a gentleman like Gerry.
+
+
+
+April 2nd:
+
+I seem to be quite depressed this morning as I always am when there is
+nothing to put my mind to. Because I decided not to read the book by
+Mr. Cellini. I mean it was quite amuseing in spots because it was
+really quite riskay but the spots were not so close together and I
+never seem to like to always be hunting clear through a book for the
+spots I am looking for, especially when there are really not so many
+spots that seem to be so amuseing after all. So I did not waste my time
+on it but this morning I told Lulu to let all of the house work go and
+spend the day reading a book entitled “Lord Jim” and then tell me all
+about it, so that I would improve my mind while Gerry is away. But when
+I got her the book I nearly made a mistake and gave her a book by the
+title of “The Nigger of the Narcissus” which really would have hurt her
+feelings. I mean I do not know why authors cannot say “Negro” instead
+of “Nigger” as they have their feelings just the same as we have.
+
+Well I just got a telegram from Gerry that he will not be back until
+tomorrow and also some orchids from Willie Gwynn, so I may as well go
+to the theatre with Willie tonight to keep from getting depressed, as
+he really is a sweet boy after all. I mean he never really does
+anything obnoxious. And it is quite depressing to stay at home and do
+nothing but read, unless you really have a book that is worth bothering
+about.
+
+
+
+April 3rd:
+
+I was really so depressed this morning that I was even glad to get a
+letter from Mr. Eisman. Because last night Willie Gwynn came to take me
+to the Follies, but he was so intoxicated that I had to telephone his
+club to send around a taxi to take him home. So that left me alone with
+Lulu at nine o’clock with nothing to do, so I put in a telephone call
+for Boston to talk to Gerry but it never went through. So Lulu tried to
+teach me how to play mah jong, but I really could not keep my mind on
+it because I was so depressed. So today I think I had better go over to
+Madame Frances and order some new evening gowns to cheer me up.
+
+Well Lulu just brought me a telegram from Gerry that he will be in this
+afternoon, but I must not meet him at the station on account of all of
+the reporters who always meet him at the station wherever he comes
+from. But he says he will come right up to see me as he has something
+to talk about.
+
+
+
+April 4th:
+
+What an evening we had last evening. I mean it seems that Gerry is
+madly in love with me. Because all of the time he was in Boston
+lecturing to the womens clubs he said, as he looked over the faces of
+all those club women in Boston, he never realized I was so beautiful.
+And he said that there was only one in all the world and that was me.
+But it seems that Gerry thinks that Mr. Eisman is terrible and that no
+good can come of our friendship. I mean I was quite surprised, as they
+both seemed to get along quite well together, but it seems that Gerry
+never wants me to see Mr. Eisman again. And he wants me to give up
+everything and study French and he will get a divorce and we will be
+married. Because Gerry does not seem to like the kind of life all of us
+lead in New York and he wants me to go home to papa in Arkansas and he
+will send me books to read so that I will not get lonesome there. And
+he gave me his uncle’s Masonic ring, which came down from the time of
+Soloman and which he never even lets his wife wear, for our engagement
+ring, and this afternoon a lady friend of his is going to bring me a
+new system she thought up of how to learn French. But some way I still
+seem to be depressed. I mean I could not sleep all night thinking of
+the terrible things Gerry said about New York and about Mr. Eisman. Of
+course I can understand Gerry being jealous of any gentleman friend of
+mine and of course I never really thought that Mr. Eisman was Rudolph
+Valentino, but Gerry said it made him cringe to think of a sweet girl
+like I having a friendship with Mr. Eisman. So it really made me feel
+quite depressed. I mean Gerry likes to talk quite a lot and I always
+think a lot of talk is depressing and worries your brains with things
+you never even think of when you are busy. But so long as Gerry does
+not mind me going out with other gentlemen when they have something to
+give you mentally, I am going to luncheon with Eddie Goldmark of the
+Goldmark Films who is always wanting me to sign a contract to go into
+the cinema. Because Mr. Goldmark is madly in love with Dorothy and
+Dorothy is always wanting me to go back in the cinema because Dorothy
+says that she will go if I will go.
+
+
+
+April 6th:
+
+Well I finally wrote Mr. Eisman that I was going to get married and it
+seems that he is coming on at once as he would probably like to give me
+his advice. Getting married is really quite serious and Gerry talks to
+me for hours and hours about it. I mean he never seems to get tired of
+talking and he does not seem to even want to go to shows or dance or do
+anything else but talk, and if I don’t really have something definite
+to put my mind on soon I will scream.
+
+
+
+April 7th:
+
+Well Mr. Eisman arrived this morning and he and I had quite a long
+talk, and after all I think he is right. Because here is the first real
+opportunity I have ever really had. I mean to go to Paris and broaden
+out and improve my writing, and why should I give it up to marry an
+author, where he is the whole thing and all I would be would be the
+wife of Gerald Lamson? And on top of that I would have to be dragged
+into the scandal of a divorce court and get my name smirched. So Mr.
+Eisman said that opportunities come to seldom in a girls life for me to
+give up the first one I have really ever had. So I am sailing for
+France and London on Tuesday and taking Dorothy with me and Mr. Eisman
+says that he will see us there later. So Dorothy knows all of the ropes
+and she can get along in Paris just as though she knew French and
+besides she knows a French gentleman who was born and raised there, who
+speaks it like a native and knows Paris like a book. And Dorothy says
+that when we get to London nearly everybody speaks English anyway. So
+it is quite lucky that Mr. Lamson is out lecturing in Cincinnati and he
+will not be back until Wednesday and I can send him a letter and tell
+him that I have to go to Europe now but I will see him later perhaps.
+So anyway I will be spared listening to any more of his depressing
+conversation. So Mr. Eisman gave me quite a nice string of pearls and
+he gave Dorothy a diamond pin and we all went to the Colony for dinner
+and we all went to a show and supper at the Trocadero and we all spent
+quite a pleasant evening.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWO
+
+FATE KEEPS ON HAPPENING
+
+
+April 11th:
+
+Well Dorothy and I are really on the ship sailing to Europe as anyone
+could tell by looking at the ocean. I always love the ocean. I mean I
+always love a ship and I really love the Majestic because you would not
+know it was a ship because it is just like being at the Ritz, and the
+steward says the ocean is not so obnoxious this month as it generally
+is. So Mr. Eisman is going to meet us next month in Paris because he
+has to be there on business. I mean he always says that there is really
+no place to see the latest styles in buttons like Paris.
+
+So Dorothy is out taking a walk up and down the deck with a gentleman
+she met on the steps, but I am not going to waste my time going around
+with gentlemen because if I did nothing but go around I would not
+finish my diary or read good books which I am always reading to improve
+my mind. But Dorothy really does not care about her mind and I always
+scold her because she does nothing but waste her time by going around
+with gentlemen who do not have anything, when Eddie Goldmark of the
+Goldmark Films is really quite wealthy and can make a girl delightful
+presents. But she does nothing but waste her time and yesterday, which
+was really the day before we sailed, she would not go to luncheon with
+Mr. Goldmark but she went to luncheon to meet a gentleman called Mr.
+Mencken from Baltimore who really only prints a green magazine which
+has not even got any pictures in it. But Mr. Eisman is always saying
+that every girl does not want to get ahead and get educated like me.
+
+So Mr. Eisman and Lulu come down to the boat to see me off and Lulu
+cried quite a lot. I mean I really believe she could not care any more
+for me if she was light and not colored. Lulu has had a very sad life
+because when she was quite young a pullman porter fell madly in love
+with her. So she believed him and he lured her away from her home to
+Ashtabula and deceived her there. So she finally found out that she had
+been deceived and she really was broken hearted and when she tried to
+go back home she found out that it was to late because her best girl
+friend, who she had always trusted, had stolen her husband and he would
+not take Lulu back. So I have always said to her she could always work
+for me and she is going to take care of the apartment until I get back,
+because I would not sublet the apartment because Dorothy sublet her
+apartment when she went to Europe last year and the gentleman who
+sublet the apartment allowed girls to pay calls on him who were not
+nice.
+
+Mr. Eisman has litereally filled our room with flowers and the steward
+has had quite a hard time to find enough vases to put them into. I mean
+the steward said he knew as soon as he saw Dorothy and I that he would
+have quite a heavy run on vases. And of course Mr. Eisman has sent me
+quite a lot of good books as he always does, because he always knows
+that good books are always welcome. So he has sent me quite a large
+book of Etiquette as he says there is quite a lot of Etiquette in
+England and London and it would be a good thing for a girl to learn. So
+I am going to take it on the deck after luncheon and read it, because I
+would often like to know what a girl ought to do when a gentleman she
+has just met, says something to her in a taxi. Of course I always
+become quite vexed but I always believe in giving a gentleman another
+chance.
+
+So now the steward tells me it is luncheon time, so I will go upstairs
+as the gentleman Dorothy met on the steps has invited us to luncheon in
+the Ritz, which is a special dining room on the ship where you can
+spend quite a lot of money because they really give away the food in
+the other dining room.
+
+
+
+April 12th:
+
+I am going to stay in bed this morning as I am quite upset as I saw a
+gentleman who quite upset me. I am not really sure it was the
+gentleman, as I saw him at quite a distants in the bar, but if it
+really is the gentleman it shows that when a girl has a lot of fate in
+her life it is sure to keep on happening. So when I thought I saw this
+gentleman I was with Dorothy and Major Falcon, who is the gentleman
+Dorothy met on the steps, and Major Falcon noticed that I became upset,
+so he wanted me to tell him what was the matter, but it is really so
+terrible that I would not want to tell anyone. So I said good night to
+Major Falcon and I left him with Dorothy and I went down to our room
+and did nothing but cry and send the steward for some champagne to
+cheer me up. I mean champagne always makes me feel philosophical
+because it makes me realize that when a girl’s life is as full of fate
+as mine seems to be, there is nothing else to do about it. So this
+morning the steward brought me my coffee and quite a large pitcher of
+ice water so I will stay in bed and not have any more champagne until
+luncheon time.
+
+Dorothy never has any fate in her life and she does nothing but waste
+her time and I really wonder if I did right to bring her with me and
+not Lulu. I mean she really gives gentlemen a bad impression as she
+talks quite a lot of slang. Because when I went up yesterday to meet
+she and Major Falcon for luncheon, I overheard her say to Major Falcon
+that she really liked to become intoxicated once in a “dirty” while.
+Only she did not say intoxicated, but she really said a slang word that
+means intoxicated and I am always having to tell her that “dirty” is a
+slang word and she really should not say “dirty.”
+
+Major Falcon is really quite a delightful gentleman for an Englishman.
+I mean he really spends quite a lot of money and we had quite a
+delightful luncheon and dinner in the Ritz until I thought I saw the
+gentleman who upset me and I am so upset I think I will get dressed and
+go up on the deck and see if it really is the one I think it is. I mean
+there is nothing else for me to do as I have finished writing in my
+diary for today and I have decided not to read the book of Ettiquette
+as I glanced through it and it does not seem to have anything in it
+that I would care to know because it wastes quite a lot of time telling
+you what to call a Lord and all the Lords I have met have told me what
+to call them and it is generally some quite cute name like Coocoo whose
+real name is really Lord Cooksleigh. So I will not waste my time on
+such a book. But I wish I did not feel so upset about the gentleman I
+think I saw.
+
+
+
+April 13th:
+
+It really is the gentleman I thought I saw. I mean when I found out it
+was the gentleman my heart really stopped. Because it all brought back
+things that anybody does not like to remember, no matter who they are.
+So yesterday when I went up on the deck to see if I could see the
+gentleman and see if it really was him, I met quite a delightful
+gentleman who I met once at a party called Mr. Ginzberg. Only his name
+is not Mr. Ginzberg any more because a gentleman in London called Mr.
+Battenburg, who is some relation to some king, changed his name to Mr.
+Mountbatten which Mr. Ginzberg says really means the same thing after
+all. So Mr. Ginsberg changed his name to Mr. Mountginz which he really
+thinks is more aristocratic. So we walked around the deck and we met
+the gentleman face to face and I really saw it was him and he really
+saw it was me. I mean his face became so red it was almost a picture.
+So I was so upset I said good-bye to Mr. Mountginz and I started to
+rush right down to my room and cry. But when I was going down the
+steps, I bumped right into Major Falcon who noticed that I was upset.
+So Major Falcon made me go to the Ritz and have some champagne and tell
+him all about it.
+
+So then I told Major Falcon about the time in Arkansas when Papa sent
+me to Little Rock to study how to become a stenographer. I mean Papa
+and I had quite a little quarrel because Papa did not like a gentleman
+who used to pay calls on me in the park and Papa thought it would do me
+good to get away for awhile. So I was in the business colledge in
+Little Rock for about a week when a gentleman called Mr. Jennings paid
+a call on the business colledge because he wanted to have a new
+stenographer. So he looked over all we colledge girls and he picked me
+out. So he told our teacher that he would help me finish my course in
+his office because he was only a lawyer and I really did not have to
+know so much. So Mr. Jennings helped me quite a lot and I stayed in his
+office about a year when I found out that he was not the kind of a
+gentleman that a young girl is safe with. I mean one evening when I
+went to pay a call on him at his apartment, I found a girl there who
+really was famous all over Little Rock for not being nice. So when I
+found out that girls like that paid calls on Mr. Jennings I had quite a
+bad case of histerics and my mind was really a blank and when I came
+out of it, it seems that I had a revolver in my hand and it seems that
+the revolver had shot Mr. Jennings.
+
+So this gentleman on the boat was really the District Attorney who was
+at the trial and he really was quite harsh at the trial and he called
+me names that I would not even put in my diary. Because everyone at the
+trial except the District Attorney was really lovely to me and all the
+gentlemen in the jury all cried when my lawyer pointed at me and told
+them that they practically all had had either a mother or a sister. So
+the jury was only out three minutes and then they came back and
+acquitted me and they were all so lovely that I really had to kiss all
+of them and when I kissed the judge he had tears in his eyes and he
+took me right home to his sister. I mean it was when Mr. Jennings
+became shot that I got the idea to go into the cinema, so Judge Hibbard
+got me a ticket to Hollywood. So it was Judge Hibbard who really gave
+me my name because he did not like the name I had because he said a
+girl ought to have a name that ought to express her personality. So he
+said my name ought to be Lorelei which is the name of a girl who became
+famous for sitting on a rock in Germany, So I was in Hollywood in the
+cinema when I met Mr. Eisman and he said that a girl with my brains
+ought not to be in the cinema but she ought to be educated, so he took
+me out of the cinema so he could educate me.
+
+So Major Falcon was really quite interested in everything I talked
+about, because he said it was quite a co-instance because this District
+Attorney, who is called Mr. Bartlett, is now working for the government
+of America and he is on his way to a place called Vienna on some
+business for Uncle Sam that is quite a great secret and Mr. Falcon
+would like very much to know what the secret is, because the Government
+in London sent him to America especially to find out what it was. Only
+of course Mr. Bartlett does not know who Major Falcon is, because it is
+such a great secret, but Major Falcon can tell me, because he knows who
+he can trust. So Major Falcon says he thinks a girl like I ought to
+forgive and forget what Mr. Bartlett called me and he wants to bring us
+together and he says he thinks Mr. Bartlett would talk to me quite a
+lot when he really gets to know me and I forgive him for that time in
+Little Rock. Because it would be quite romantic for Mr. Bartlett and I
+to become friendly, and gentlemen who work for Uncle Sam generally like
+to become romantic with girls. So he is going to bring us together on
+the deck after dinner tonight and I am going to forgive him and talk
+with him quite a lot, because why should a girl hold a grudge against a
+gentleman who had to do it. So Major Falcon brought me quite a large
+bottle of perfume and a quite cute imitation of quite a large size dog
+in the little shop which is on board the boat. I mean Major Falcon
+really knows how to cheer a girl up quite a lot and so tonight I am
+going to make it all up with Mr. Bartlett.
+
+
+
+April 14th:
+
+Well Mr. Bartlett and I made it all up last night and we are going to
+be the best of friends and talk quite a lot. So when I went down to my
+room quite late Major Falcon came down to see if I and Mr. Bartlett
+were really going to be friends because he said a girl with brains like
+I ought to have lots to talk about with a gentleman with brains like
+Mr. Bartlett who knows all of Uncle Sam’s secrets.
+
+So I told Major Falcon how Mr. Bartlett thinks that he and I seem to be
+like a play, because all the time he was calling me all those names in
+Little Rock he really thought I was. So when he found out that I turned
+out not to be, he said he always thought that I only used my brains
+against gentlemen and really had quite a cold heart. But now he thinks
+I ought to write a play about how he called me all those names in
+Little Rock and then, after seven years, we became friendly.
+
+So I told Major Falcon that I told Mr. Bartlett I would like to write
+the play but I really did not have time as it takes quite a lot of time
+to write my diary and read good books. So Mr. Bartlett did not know
+that I read books which is quite a co-instance because he reads them
+to. So he is going to bring me a book of philosophy this afternoon
+called “Smile, Smile, Smile” which all the brainy senators in
+Washington are reading which cheers you up quite a lot.
+
+So I told Major Falcon that having a friendship with Mr. Barlett was
+really quite enervating because Mr. Bartlett does not drink anything
+and the less anybody says about his dancing the better. But he did ask
+me to dine at his table, which is not in the Ritz and I told him I
+could not, but Major Falcon told me I ought to, but I told Major Falcon
+that there was a limit to almost everything. So I am going to stay in
+my room until luncheon and I am going to luncheon in the Ritz with Mr.
+Mountginz who really knows how to treat a girl.
+
+Dorothy is up on the deck wasting quite a lot of time with a gentleman
+who is only a tennis champion. So I am going to ring for the steward
+and have some champagne which is quite good for a person on a boat. The
+steward is really quite a nice boy and he has had quite a sad life and
+he likes to tell me all about himself. I mean it seems that he was
+arrested in Flatbush because he promised a gentleman that he would
+bring him some very very good scotch and they mistook him for a
+bootlegger. So it seems they put him in a prison and they put him in a
+cell with two other gentlemen who were very, very famous burglars. I
+mean they really had their pictures in all the newspapers and everybody
+was talking about them. So my steward, whose real name is Fred, was
+very very proud to be in the same cell with such famous burglars. So
+when they asked him what he was in for, he did not like to tell them
+that he was only a bootlegger, so he told them that he set fire to a
+house and burned up quite a large family in Oklahoma. So everything
+would have gone alright except that the police had put a dictaphone in
+the cell and used it all against him and he could not get out until
+they had investigated all the fires in Oklahoma. So I always think that
+it is much more educational to talk to a boy like Fred who has been
+through a lot and really suffered than it is to talk to a gentleman
+like Mr. Bartlett. But I will have to talk to Mr. Bartlett all
+afternoon as Major Falcon has made an appointment for me to spend the
+whole afternoon with him.
+
+
+
+April 15th:
+
+Last night there was quite a maskerade ball on the ship which was
+really all for the sake of charity because most of the sailors seem to
+have orphans which they get from going on the ocean when the sea is
+very rough. So they took up quite a collection and Mr. Bartlett made
+quite a long speech in favor of orphans especially when their parents
+are sailors. Mr. Bartlett really likes to make speeches quite a lot. I
+mean he even likes to make speeches when he is all alone with a girl
+when they are walking up and down a deck. But the maskerade ball was
+quite cute and one gentleman really looked almost like an imitation of
+Mr. Chaplin. So Dorothy and I really did not want to go to the ball but
+Mr. Bartlett bought us two scarfs at the little store which is on the
+ship so we tied them around our hips and everyone said we made quite a
+cute Carmen. So Mr. Bartlett and Major Falcon and the tennis champion
+were the Judges. So Dorothy and I won the prizes. I mean I really hope
+I do not get any more large size imitations of a dog as I have three
+now and I do not see why the Captain does not ask Mr. Cartier to have a
+jewelry store on the ship as it is really not much fun to go shopping
+on a ship with gentlemen, and buy nothing but imitations of dogs.
+
+So after we won the prizes I had an engagement to go up on the top of
+the deck with Mr. Bartlett as it seems he likes to look at the
+moonlight quite a lot. So I told him to go up and wait for me and I
+would be up later as I promised a dance to Mr. Mountginz. So he asked
+me how long I would be dancing till, but I told him to wait up there
+and he would find out. So Mr. Mountginz and I had quite a delightful
+dance and champagne until Major Falcon found us. Because he was looking
+for me and he said I really should not keep Mr. Bartlett waiting. So I
+went up on the deck and Mr. Bartlett was up there waiting for me and it
+seems that he really is madly in love with me because he did not sleep
+a wink since we became friendly. Because he never thought that I really
+had brains but now that he knows it, it seems that he has been looking
+for a girl like me for years, and he said that really the place for me
+when he got back home was Washington d. c. where he lives. So I told
+him I thought a thing like that was nearly always the result of fate.
+So he wanted me to get off the ship tomorrow at France and take the
+same trip that he is taking to Vienna as it seems that Vienna is in
+France and if you go on to England you go to far. But I told him that I
+could not because I thought that if he was really madly in love with me
+he would take a trip to London instead. But he told me that he had
+serious business in Vienna that was a very, very great secret. But I
+told him I did not believe it was business but that it really was some
+girl, because what business could be so important? So he said it was
+business for the United States government at Washington and he could
+not tell anybody what it was. So then we looked at the moonlight quite
+a lot. So I told him I would go to Vienna if I really knew it was
+business and not some girl, because I could not see how business could
+be so important. So then he told me all about it. So it seems that
+Uncle Sam wants some new aeroplanes that everybody else seems to want,
+especially England, and Uncle Sam has quite a clever way to get them
+which is to long to put in my diary. So we sat up and saw the sun rise
+and I became quite stiff and told him I would have to go down to my
+room because, after all, the ship lands at France today and I said if I
+got off the boat at France to go to Vienna with him I would have to
+pack up.
+
+So I went down to my room and went to bed. So then Dorothy came in and
+she was up on the deck with the tennis champion but she did not notice
+the sun rise as she really does not love nature but always wastes her
+time and ruins her clothes even though I always tell her not to drink
+champagne out of a bottle on the deck of the ship as it lurches quite a
+lot. So I am going to have luncheon in my room and I will send a note
+to Mr. Bartlett to tell him I will not be able to get off the boat at
+France to go to Vienna with him as I have quite a headache, but I will
+see him sometime somewhere else. So Major Falcon is going to come down
+at 12 and I have got to thinking over what Mr. Bartlett called me at
+Little Rock and I am quite upset. I mean a gentleman never pays for
+those things but a girl always pays. So I think I will tell Major
+Falcon all about the airoplane business as he really wants to know.
+And, after all I do not think Mr. Bartlett is a gentleman to call me
+all those names in Little Rock even if it was seven years ago. I mean
+Major Falcon is always a gentleman and he really wants to do quite a
+lot for us in London. Because he knows the Prince of Wales and he
+thinks that Dorothy and I would like the Prince of Wales once we had
+really got to meet him. So I am going to stay in my room until Mr.
+Bartlett gets off the ship at France, because I really do not seem to
+care if I never see Mr. Bartlett again.
+
+So tomorrow we will be at England bright and early. And I really feel
+quite thrilled because Mr. Eisman sent me a cable this morning, as he
+does every morning, and he says to take advantage of everybody we meet
+as traveling is the highest form of education. I mean Mr. Eisman is
+always right and Major Falcon knows all the sights in London including
+the Prince of Wales so it really looks like Dorothy and I would have
+quite a delightful time in London.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THREE
+
+LONDON IS REALLY NOTHING
+
+
+April 17th:
+
+Well, Dorothy and I are really at London. I mean we got to London on
+the train yesterday as the boat does not come clear up to London but it
+stops on the beach and you have to take a train. I mean everything is
+much better in New York, because the boat comes right up to New York
+and I am really beginning to think that London is not so educational
+after all. But I did not tell Mr. Eisman when I cabled him last night
+because Mr. Eisman really sent me to London to get educated and I would
+hate to tell him that London is a failure because we know more in New
+York.
+
+So Dorothy and I came to the Ritz and it is delightfully full of
+Americans. I mean you would really think it was New York because I
+always think that the most delightful thing about traveling is to
+always be running into Americans and to always feel at home.
+
+So yesterday Dorothy and I went down to luncheon at the Ritz and we saw
+a quite cute little blond girl at the next table and I nudged Dorothy
+under the table, because I do not think it is nice to nudge a person on
+top of the table as I am trying to teach good manners to Dorothy. So I
+said “That is quite a cute little girl so she must be an American
+girl.” And sure enough she called the head-waiter with quite an
+American accent and she was quite angry and she said to him, I have
+been coming to this hotel for 35 years and this is the first time I
+have been kept waiting. So I recognized her voice because it was really
+Fanny Ward. So we asked her to come over to our table and we were all
+three delighted to see each other. Because I and Fanny have known each
+other for about five years but I really feel as if I knew her better
+because mama knew her 45 years ago when she and mama used to go to
+school together and mama used to always follow all her weddings in all
+the newspapers. So now Fanny lives in London and is famous for being
+one of the cutest girls in London. I mean Fanny is almost historical,
+because when a girl is cute for 50 years it really begins to get
+historical.
+
+So if mama did not die of hardening of the arterys she and Fanny and I
+could have quite a delightful time in London as Fanny loves to shop. So
+we went shopping for hats and instead of going to the regular shop we
+went to the childrens department and Fanny and I bought some quite cute
+hats as childrens hats only cost half as much and Fanny does it all the
+time. I mean Fanny really loves hats and she buys some in the
+children’s department every week, so she really saves quite a lot of
+money.
+
+So we came back to the Ritz to meet Major Falcon because Major Falcon
+invited us to go to tea with him at a girls house called Lady Shelton.
+So Major Falcon invited Fanny to go with us to, but she was sorry
+because she had to go to her music lesson.
+
+So at Lady Sheltons house we met quite a few people who seemed to be
+English. I mean some of the girls in London seem to be Ladies which
+seems to be the opposite of a Lord. And some who are not Ladies are
+honorable. But quite a few are not Ladies or honorable either, but are
+just like us, so all you have to call them is “Miss.” So Lady Shelton
+was really delighted to have we Americans come to her house. I mean she
+took Dorothy and I into the back parlor and tried to sell us some shell
+flowers she seems to make out of sea shells for 25 pounds. So we asked
+her how much it was in money and it seems it is 125 dollars. I mean I
+am really going to have a quite hard time in London with Dorothy
+because she really should not say to an English lady what she said. I
+mean she should not say to an English lady that in America we use
+shells the same way only we put a dry pea under one of them and we call
+it a game. But I told Lady Shelton we really did not need any shell
+flowers. So Lady Shelton said she knew we Americans loved dogs so she
+would love us to meet her mother.
+
+So then she took Dorothy and Major Falcon and I to her mother’s house
+which was just around the corner from her house. Because her mother
+seems to be called a Countess and raise dogs. So her mother was having
+a party too, and she seemed to have quite red hair and quite a lot of
+paint for such an elderly lady. So the first thing she asked us was she
+asked us if we bought some shell flowers from her daughter. So we told
+her no. But she did not seem to act like a Countess of her elderly age
+should act. Because she said, “You were right my dears—don’t let my
+daughter stick you—they fall apart in less than a week.” So then she
+asked us if we would like to buy a dog. I mean I could not stop Dorothy
+but she said “How long before the dogs fall apart?” But I do not think
+the Countess acted like a Countess ought to act because she laughed
+very, very loud and she said that Dorothy was really priceless and she
+grabbed Dorothy and kissed her and held her arm around her all the
+time. I mean I really think that a Countess should not encouradge
+Dorothy or else she is just as unrefined as Dorothy seems to be. But I
+told the Countess that we did not need any dog.
+
+So then I met quite a delightful English lady who had a very, very
+beautiful diamond tiara in her hand bag because she said that she
+thought some Americans would be at the party and it was really a very,
+very great bargain. I mean I think a diamond tiara is delightful
+because it is a place where I really never thought of wearing diamonds
+before, and I thought I had almost one of everything until I saw a
+diamond tiara. The English lady who is called Mrs. Weeks said it was in
+her family for years but the good thing about diamonds is they always
+look new. So I was really very intreeged and I asked her how much it
+cost in money and it seems it was $7,500.
+
+So then I looked around the room and I noticed a gentleman who seemed
+to be quite well groomed. So I asked Major Falcon who he was and he
+said he was called Sir Francis Beekman and it seems he is very, very
+wealthy. So then I asked Major Falcon to give us an introduction to one
+another and we met one another and I asked Sir Francis Beekman if he
+would hold my hat while I could try on the diamond tiara because I
+could wear it backwards with a ribbon, on account of my hair being
+hobbed, and I told Sir Francis Beekman that I really thought it looked
+quite cute. So he thought it did to, but he seemed to have another
+engagement. So the Countess came up to me and she is really very
+unrefined because she said to me “Do not waste your time on him”
+because she said that whenever Sir Francis Beekman spent a haypenny the
+statue of a gentleman called Mr. Nelson took off his hat and bowed. I
+mean some people are so unrefined they seem to have unrefined thoughts
+about everything.
+
+So I really have my heart set on the diamond tiara and I became quite
+worried because Mrs. Weeks said she was going to a delightful party
+last night that would be full of delightful Americans and it would be
+snaped up. So I was so worried that I gave her 100 dollars and she is
+going to hold the diamond tiara for me. Because what is the use of
+traveling if you do not take advantadge of oportunities and it really
+is quite unusual to get a bargain from an English lady. So last night I
+cabled Mr. Eisman and I told Mr. Eisman that he does not seem to how
+know much it costs to get educated by traveling and I said I really
+would have to have $10,000 and I said I hoped I would not have to
+borrow the money from some strange English gentleman, even if he might
+be very very good looking. So I really could not sleep all night
+because of all of my worrying because if I do not get the money to buy
+the diamond tiara it may be a quite hard thing to get back $100 from an
+English lady.
+
+So now I must really get dressed as Major Falcon is going to take
+Dorothy and I to look at all the sights in London. But I really think
+if I do not get the diamond tiara my whole trip to London will be quite
+a failure.
+
+
+
+April 18th:
+
+Yesterday was quite a day and night. I mean Major Falcon came to take
+Dorothy and I to see all the sights in London. So I thought it would be
+delightful if we had another gentleman and I made Major Falcon call up
+Sir Francis Beekman. I mean I had a cable from Mr. Eisman which told me
+he could not send me 10,000 dollars but he would send me 1000 dollars
+which really would not be a drop in the bucket for the diamond tiara.
+So Sir Francis Beekman said that he could not come but I teased him and
+teased him over the telephone so he finally said he would come.
+
+So Major Falcon drives his own car so Dorothy sat with him and I sat
+with Sir Francis Beekman but I told him that I was not going to call
+him Sir Francis Beekman but I was really going to call him Piggie.
+
+In London they make a very, very great fuss over nothing at all. I mean
+London is really nothing at all. For instants, they make a great fuss
+over a tower that really is not even as tall as the Hickox building in
+Little Rock Arkansas and it would only make a chimney on one of our
+towers in New York. So Sir Francis Beekman wanted us to get out and
+look at the tower because he said that quite a famous Queen had her
+head cut off there one morning and Dorothy said “What a fool she was to
+get up that morning” and that is really the only sensible thing that
+Dorothy has said in London. So we did not bother to get out.
+
+So we did not go to any more sights because they really have delicious
+champagne cocktails at a very very smart new restaurant called the Cafe
+de Paris that you could not get in New York for neither love or money
+and I told Piggie that when you are travelling you really ought to take
+advantadges of what you can not do at home.
+
+So while Dorothy and I were in the Cafe de Paris powdering our nose in
+the lady’s dressing room we met an American girl who Dorothy knew in
+the Follies, but now she is living in London. So she told us all about
+London. So it seems the gentlemen in London have quite a quaint custom
+of not giving a girl many presents. I mean the English girls really
+seem to be satisfied with a gold cigaret holder or else what they call
+a ‘bangle’ which means a bracelet in English which is only gold and
+does not have any stones in it which American girls would really give
+to their maid. So she said you could tell what English gentlemen were
+like when you realize that not even English ladys could get anything
+out of them. So she said Sir Francis Beekman was really famous all over
+London for not spending so much money as most English gentlemen. So
+then Dorothy and I said goodbye to Dorothy’s girl friend and Dorothy
+said, “Lets tell our two boy friends that we have a headache and go
+back to the Ritz, where men are Americans.” Because Dorothy said that
+the society of a gentleman like Sir Francis Beekman was to great a
+price to pay for a couple of rounds of champagne cocktails. But I told
+Dorothy that I always believe that there is nothing like trying and I
+think it would be nice for an American girl like I to educate an
+English gentleman like Piggie, as I call Sir Francis Beekman.
+
+So then we went back to the table and I almost have to admit that
+Dorothy is in the right about Piggie because he really likes to talk
+quite a lot and he is always talking about a friend of his who was
+quite a famous King in London called King Edward. So Piggie said he
+would never never forget the jokes King Edward was always saying and he
+would never forget one time they were all on a yacht and they were all
+sitting at a table and King Edward got up and said “I don’t care what
+you gentlemen do—I’m going to smoke a cigar.” So then Piggie laughed
+very, very loud. So of course I laughed very, very loud and I told
+Piggie he was wonderful the way he could tell jokes. I mean you can
+always tell when to laugh because Piggie always laughs first.
+
+So in the afternoon a lot of lady friends of Mrs. Weeks heard about me
+buying the diamond tiara and called us up and asked us to their house
+to tea so Dorothy and I went and we took a gentleman Dorothy met in the
+lobby who is very, very good looking but he is only an English ballroom
+dancer in a cafe when he has a job.
+
+So we went to tea to a lady’s house called Lady Elmsworth and what she
+has to sell we Americans seems to be a picture of her father painted in
+oil paint who she said was a whistler. But I told her my own father was
+a whistler and used to whistle all of the time and I did not even have
+a picture of him but every time he used to go to Little Rock I asked
+him to go to the photographers but he did not go.
+
+So then we met a lady called Lady Chizzleby that wanted us to go to her
+house to tea but we told her that we really did not want to buy
+anything. But she said that she did not have anything to sell but she
+wanted to borrow five pounds. So we did not go and I am really glad
+that Mr. Eisman did not come to London as all the English ladys would
+ask him to tea and he would have a whole ship load of shell flowers and
+dogs and anteek pictures that do nobody any good.
+
+So last night Piggie and I and Dorothy and the dancer who is called
+Gerald went to the Kit Kat Club as Gerald had nothing better to do
+because he is out of a job. So Dorothy and I had quite a little quarrel
+because I told Dorothy that she was wasting quite a lot of time going
+with any gentleman who is out of a job but Dorothy is always getting to
+really like somebody and she will never learn how to act. I mean I
+always seem to think that when a girl really enjoys being with a
+gentleman, it puts her to quite a disadvantage and no real good can
+come of it.
+
+Well tonight is going to be quite a night because Major Falcon is going
+to take Dorothy and I to a dance at a lady’s house tonight to meet the
+Prince of Wales. And now I must get ready to see Piggie because he and
+I seem to be getting to be quite good friends even if he has not sent
+me any flowers yet.
+
+
+
+April 19th:
+
+Last night we really met the Prince of Wales. I mean Major Falcon
+called for Dorothy and I at eleven and took us to a ladys house where
+the lady was having a party. The Prince of Wales is really wonderful. I
+mean even if he was not a prince he would be wonderful, because even if
+he was not a prince, he would be able to make his living playing the
+ukelele, if he had a little more practice. So the lady came up to me
+and told me that the Prince of Wales would like to meet me, so she gave
+us an introduction to one another and I was very very thrilled when he
+asked me for a dance. So I decided I would write down every word he
+said to me in my diary so I could always go back and read it over and
+over when I am really old. So then we started to dance and I asked him
+if he was still able to be fond of horses, and he said he was. So after
+our dance was all over he asked Dorothy for a dance but Dorothy will
+never learn how to act in front of a prince. Because she handed me her
+fan and she said “Hold this while I slip a new page into English
+histry,” right in front of the Prince of Wales. So I was very very
+worried while Dorothy was dancing with the Prince of Wales because she
+talked to the Prince of Wales all the time and when she got through the
+Prince of Wales wrote some of the slang words she is always saying on
+his cuff, so if he tells the Queen some day to be ‘a good Elk’ or some
+other slang word Dorothy is always saying, the Queen will really blame
+me for bringing such a girl into English society. So when Dorothy came
+back we had quite a little quarrel because Dorothy said that since I
+met the Prince of Wales I was becoming too English. But really, I mean
+to say, I often remember papa back in Arkansas and he often used to say
+that his grandpa came from a place in England called Australia, so
+really, I mean to say, it is no wonder that the English seems to come
+out of me sometimes. Because if a girl seems to have an English accent
+I really think it is quite jolly.
+
+
+
+April 20th:
+
+Yesterday afternoon I really thought I ought to begin to educate Piggie
+how to act with a girl like American gentlemen act with a girl. So I
+asked him to come up to have tea in our sitting room in the hotel
+because I had quite a headache. I mean I really look quite cute in my
+pink negligay. So I sent out a bell hop friend of Dorothy and I who is
+quite a nice boy who is called Harry and who we talk to quite a lot. So
+I gave Harry ten pounds of English money and I told him to go to the
+most expensive florist and to buy some very very expensive orchids for
+10 pounds and to bring them to our sitting room at fifteen minutes past
+five and not to say a word but to say they were for me. So Piggie came
+to tea and we were having tea when Harry came in and he did not say a
+word but he gave me a quite large box and he said it was for me. So I
+opened the box and sure enough they were a dozen very very beautiful
+orchids. So I looked for a card, but of course there was no card so I
+grabbed Piggie and I said I would have to give him quite a large hug
+because it must have been him. But he said it was not him. But I said
+it must be him because I said that there was only one gentleman in
+London who was so sweet and generous and had such a large heart to send
+a girl one dozen orchids like him. So he still said it was not him. But
+I said I knew it was him, because there was not a gentleman in London
+so really marvelous and so wonderful and such a marvelous gentleman to
+send a girl one dozen orchids every day as him. So I really had to
+apologize for giving him such a large hug but I told him I was so full
+of impulses that when I knew he was going to send me one dozen orchids
+every day I became so impulsive I could not help it!
+
+So then Dorothy and Gerald came in and I told them all about what a
+wonderful gentleman Piggie turned out to be and I told them when a
+gentleman sent a girl one dozen orchids every day he really reminded me
+of a prince. So Piggie blushed quite a lot and he was really very very
+pleased and he did not say any more that it was not him. So then I
+started to make a fuss over him and I told him he would have to look
+out because he was really so good looking and I was so full of impulses
+that I might even lose my mind some time and give him a kiss. So Piggie
+really felt very very good to be such a good looking gentleman. So he
+could not help blushing all the time and he could not help grinning all
+the time from one ear to another. So he asked us all to dinner and then
+he and Gerald went to change their clothes for dinner. So Dorothy and I
+had quite a little quarrel after they went because Dorothy asked me
+which one of the Jesse James brothers was my father. But I told her I
+was not so unrefined that I would waste my time with any gentleman who
+was only a ballroom dancer when he had a job. So Dorothy said Gerald
+was a gentleman because he wrote her a note and it had a crest. So I
+told her to try and eat it. So then we had to get dressed.
+
+So this morning Harry, the boy friend of ours who is the bell hop,
+waked me up at ten o’clock because he had a box of one dozen orchids
+from Piggie. So by the time Piggie pays for a few dozen orchids, the
+diamond tiara will really seem like quite a bargain. Because I always
+think that spending money is only just a habit and if you get a
+gentleman started on buying one dozen orchids at a time he really gets
+very good habits.
+
+
+
+April 21st:
+
+Well, yesterday afternoon I took Piggie shopping on a street called
+Bond Street. So I took him to a jewelery store because I told him I had
+to have a silver picture frame because I had to have a picture of him
+to go in it. Because I told Piggie that when a girl gets to know such a
+good looking gentleman as him she really wants to have a picture of him
+on her dressing table where she can look at it a lot. So Piggie became
+quite intreeged. So we looked at all the silver picture frames. But
+then I told him that I really did not think a silver picture frame was
+good enough for a picture of him because I forgot that they had gold
+picture frames until I saw them. So then we started to look at the gold
+picture frames. So then it came out that his picture was taken in his
+unaform. So I said he must be so good looking in his unaform that I
+really did not think even the gold picture frames were good enough but
+they did not have any platinum picture frames so we had to buy the best
+one we could.
+
+So then I asked him if he could put on his unaform tomorrow because I
+would love to see him in his unaform and we could go to tea at Mrs.
+Weeks. So he really became very pleased because he grinned quite a lot
+and he said that he would. So then I said that poor little I would
+really look like nothing at all to be going out with him in his
+georgous unaform. So then we started to look at some bracelets but a
+lady friend of his who is quite friendly with his wife, who is in their
+country house in the country, came in to the store, so Piggie became
+quite nervous to be caught in a jewelery store where he has not been
+for years and years, so we had to go out.
+
+This morning Gerald called up Dorothy and he said that day after
+tomorrow they are having a theatrical garden party to sell things to
+people for charity so he asked if Dorothy and I would be one of the
+ones who sells things to people for charity. So we said we would.
+
+So now I must telephone Mrs. Weeks and say I will bring Sir Francis
+Beekman to tea tomorrow and I hope it all comes out all right. But I
+really wish Piggie would not tell so many storys. I mean I do not mind
+a gentleman when he tells a great many storys if they are new, but a
+gentleman who tells a great many storys and they are all the same
+storys is quite enervating. I mean London is really so uneducational
+that all I seem to be learning is some of Piggies storys and I even
+want to forget them. So I am really becoming jolly well fed up with
+London.
+
+
+
+April 22nd:
+
+Yesterday Piggie came in his unaform but he was really quite upset
+because he had a letter. I mean his wife is coming to London because
+she always comes to London every year to get her old clothes made over
+as she has a girl who does it very very cheap. So she is going to stay
+with the lady who saw us in the jewelery store, because it always saves
+money to stay with a friend. So I wanted to cheer Piggie up so I told
+him that I did not think the lady saw us and if she did see us, she
+really could not believe her eyes to see him in a jewelery store. But I
+did not tell him that I think that Dorothy and I had better go to Paris
+soon. Because, after all, Piggie’s society is beginning to tell on a
+girls nerves. But I really made Piggie feel quite good about his
+unaform because I told him I only felt fit to be with him in a diamond
+tiara. So then I told him that, even if his wife was in London, we
+could still be friends, because I could not help but admire him even if
+his wife was in London and I told him I really thought a thing like
+that was nearly always the result of fate. So then we went to tea at
+Mrs. Weeks. So Piggie arranged with Mrs. Weeks to pay her for the
+diamond tiara and she nearly fell dead but she will keep it a secret
+because no one would believe it anyway. So now I have the diamond tiara
+and I have to admit that everything always turns out for the best. But
+I promised Piggie that I would always stay in London and we would
+always be friendly. Because Piggie always says that I am the only one
+who admires him for what he really is.
+
+
+
+April 25th:
+
+Well, we were so busy the last days I did not have time to write in my
+diary because now we are on a ship that seems to be quite a small ship
+to be sailing to Paris and we will be at Paris this afternoon. Because
+it does not take nearly so long to come to Paris as it does to come to
+London. I mean it seems quite unusual to think that it takes 6 days to
+come to London and only one day to come to Paris.
+
+So Dorothy is quite upset because she did not want to come as she is
+madly in love with Gerald and Gerald said that we really ought not to
+leave London without going to see England while we happened to be here.
+But I told him that if England was the same kind of a place that London
+seems to be, I really know to much to bother with such a place. I mean
+we had quite a little quarrel because Gerald showed up at the station
+with a bangle for Dorothy so I told Dorothy she was well rid of such a
+person. So Dorothy had to come with me because Mr. Eisman is paying her
+expenses because he wants Dorothy to be my chaperone.
+
+So the last thing in London was the garden party. I sold quite a lot of
+red baloons and I sold a red baloon to Harry Lauder the famous Scotch
+gentleman who is the famous Scotch tenor for 20 pounds. So Dorothy said
+I did not need to buy any ticket to Paris on the boat because if I
+could do that, I could walk across the channel.
+
+So Piggy does not know that we have gone but I sent him a letter and
+told him I would see him some time again some time. And I was really
+glad to get out of our rooms at the Ritz—I mean 50 or 60 orchids really
+make a girl think of a funeral. So I cabled Mr. Eisman and I told him
+we could not learn anything in London because we knew to much, so if we
+went to Paris at least we could learn French, if we made up our mind to
+it.
+
+So I am really very very intreeged as I have heard so much about Paris
+and I feel that it must be much more educational than London and I can
+hardly wait to see the Ritz hotel in Paris.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FOUR
+
+PARIS IS DEVINE
+
+
+April 27th:
+
+Paris is devine. I mean Dorothy and I got to Paris yesterday, and it
+really is devine. Because the French are devine. Because when we were
+coming off the boat, and we were coming through the customs, it was
+quite hot and it seemed to smell quite a lot and all the French
+gentlemen in the customs, were squealing quite a lot. So I looked
+around and I picked out a French gentleman who was really in a very
+gorgeous uniform and he seemed to be a very, very important gentleman
+and I gave him twenty francs worth of French money and he was very very
+gallant and he knocked everybody else down and took our bags right
+through the custom. Because I really think that twenty Francs is quite
+cheap for a gentleman that has got on at least $100 worth of gold braid
+on his coat alone, to speak nothing of his trousers.
+
+I mean the French gentlemen always seem to be squealing quite a lot,
+especially taxi drivers when they only get a small size yellow dime
+called a ‘fifty santeems’ for a tip. But the good thing about French
+gentlemen is that every time a French gentleman starts in to squeal,
+you can always stop him with five francs, no matter who he is. I mean
+it is so refreshing to listen to a French gentleman stop squeaking,
+that it would really be quite a bargain even for ten francs.
+
+So we came to the Ritz Hotel and the Ritz Hotel is devine. Because when
+a girl can sit in a delightful bar and have delicious champagne
+cocktails and look at all the important French people in Paris, I think
+it is devine. I mean when a girl can sit there and look at the Dolly
+sisters and Pearl White and Maybelle Gilman Corey, and Mrs. Nash, it is
+beyond worlds. Because when a girl looks at Mrs. Nash and realizes what
+Mrs. Nash has got out of gentlemen, it really makes a girl hold her
+breath.
+
+And when a girl walks around and reads all of the signs with all of the
+famous historical names it really makes you hold your breath. Because
+when Dorothy and I went on a walk, we only walked a few blocks but in
+only a few blocks we read all of the famous historical names, like Coty
+and Cartier and I knew we were seeing something educational at last and
+our whole trip was not a failure. I mean I really try to make Dorothy
+get educated and have reverance. So when we stood at the corner of a
+place called the Place Vandome, if you turn your back on a monument
+they have in the middle and look up, you can see none other than Coty’s
+sign. So I said to Dorothy, does it not really give you a thrill to
+realize that that is the historical spot where Mr. Coty makes all the
+perfume? So then Dorothy said that she supposed Mr. Coty came to Paris
+and he smelled Paris and he realized that something had to be done. So
+Dorothy will really never have any reverance.
+
+So then we saw a jewelry store and we saw some jewelry in the window
+and it really seemed to be a very very great bargain but the price
+marks all had francs on them and Dorothy and I do not seem to be
+mathematical enough to tell how much francs is in money. So we went in
+and asked and it seems it was only 20 dollars and it seems it is not
+diamonds but it is a thing called “paste” which is the name of a word
+which means imitations. So Dorothy said “paste” is the name of the word
+a girl ought to do to a gentleman that handed her one. I mean I would
+really be embarrassed, but the gentleman did not seem to understand
+Dorothy’s english.
+
+So it really makes a girl feel depressed to think a girl could not tell
+that it was nothing but an imitation. I mean a gentleman could deceeve
+a girl because he could give her a present and it would only be worth
+20 dollars. So when Mr. Eisman comes to Paris next week, if he wants to
+make me a present I will make him take me along with him because he is
+really quite an inveteran bargain hunter at heart. So the gentleman at
+the jewelry store said that quite a lot of famous girls in Paris had
+imitations of all their jewelry and they put the jewelry in the safe
+and they really wore the imitations, so they could wear it and have a
+good time. But I told him I thought that any girl who was a lady would
+not even think of having such a good time that she did not remember to
+hang on to her jewelry.
+
+So then we went back to the Ritz and unpacked our trunks with the aid
+of really a delightful waiter who brought us up some delicious luncheon
+and who is called Leon and who speaks english almost like an American
+and who Dorothy and I talk to quite a lot. So Leon said that we ought
+not to stay around the Ritz all of the time, but we really ought to see
+Paris. So Dorothy said she would go down in the lobby and meet some
+gentleman to show us Paris. So in a couple of minutes she called up on
+the telephone from the lobby and she said “I have got a French bird
+down here who is a French title nobleman, who is called a veecount so
+come on down.” So I said “How did a Frenchman get into the Ritz.” So
+Dorothy said “He came in to get out of the rain and he has not noticed
+that it is stopped.” So I said “I suppose you have picked up something
+without taxi fare as usual. Why did you not get an American gentleman
+who always have money?” So Dorothy said she thought a French gentleman
+had ought to know Paris better. So I said “He does not even know it is
+not raining.” But I went down.
+
+So the veecount was really delightful after all. So then we rode around
+and we saw Paris and we saw how devine it really is. I mean the Eyefull
+Tower is devine and it is much more educational than the London Tower,
+because you can not even see the London Tower if you happen to be two
+blocks away. But when a girl looks at the Eyefull Tower she really
+knows she is looking at something. And it would even be very difficult
+not to notice the Eyefull Tower.
+
+So then we went to a place called the Madrid to tea and it really was
+devine. I mean we saw the Dolley Sisters and Pearl White and Mrs. Corey
+and Mrs. Nash all over again.
+
+So then we went to dinner and then we went to Momart and it really was
+devine because we saw them all over again. I mean in Momart they have
+genuine American jazz bands and quite a lot of New York people which we
+knew and you really would think you were in New York and it was devine.
+So we came back to the Ritz quite late. So Dorothy and I had quite a
+little quarrel because Dorothy said that when we were looking at Paris
+I asked the French veecount what was the name of the unknown soldier
+who is buried under quite a large monument. So I said I really did not
+mean to ask him, if I did, because what I did mean to ask him was, what
+was the name of his mother because it is always the mother of a dead
+soldier that I always seem to think about more than the dead soldier
+that has died.
+
+So the French veecount is going to call up in the morning but I am not
+going to see him again. Because French gentlemen are really quite
+deceeving. I mean they take you to quite cute places and they make you
+feel quite good about yourself and you really seem to have a delightful
+time but when you get home and come to think it all over, all you have
+got is a fan that only cost 20 francs and a doll that they gave you
+away for nothing in a restaurant. I mean a girl has to look out in
+Paris, or she would have such a good time in Paris that she would not
+get anywheres. So I really think that American gentlemen are the best
+after all, because kissing your hand may make you feel very very good
+but a diamond and safire bracelet lasts forever. Besides, I do not
+think that I ought to go out with any gentlemen in Paris because Mr.
+Eisman will be here next week and he told me that the only kind of
+gentlemen he wants me to go out with are intelectual gentlemen who are
+good for a girls brains. So I really do not seem to see many gentlemen
+around the Ritz who seem to look like they would be good for a girl’s
+brains. So tomorrow we are going to go shopping and I suppose it would
+really be to much to expect to find a gentleman who would look to Mr.
+Eisman like he was good for a girls brains and at the same time he
+would like to take us shopping.
+
+
+
+April 29th:
+
+Yesterday was quite a day. I mean Dorothy and I were getting ready to
+go shopping and the telephone rang and they said that Lady Francis
+Beekman was down stairs and she wanted to come up stairs. So I really
+was quite surprised. I mean I did not know what to say, so I said all
+right. So then I told Dorothy and then we put our brains together.
+Because it seems that Lady Francis Beekman is the wife of the gentleman
+called Sir Francis Beekman who was the admirer of mine in London who
+seemed to admire me so much that he asked me if he could make me a
+present of a diamond tiara. So it seemed as if his wife must have heard
+about it, and it really seemed as if she must have come clear over from
+London about it. So there was a very very loud knock at the door so we
+asked her to come in. So Lady Francis Beekman came in and she is a
+quite large size lady who seems to resemble Bill Hart quite a lot. I
+mean Dorothy thinks that Lady Francis Beeckman resembles Bill Hart
+quite a lot, only she really thinks she looks more like Bill Hart’s
+horse. So it seems that she said that if I did not give her back the
+diamond tiara right away, she would make quite a fuss and she would
+ruin my reputation. Because she said that something really must be
+wrong about the whole thing. Because it seems that Sir Francis Beekman
+and she have been married for 35 years and the last present he gave to
+her was a wedding ring. So Dorothy spoke up and she said “Lady you
+could no more ruin my girl friends reputation than you could sink the
+Jewish fleet.” I mean I was quite proud of Dorothy the way she stood up
+for my reputation. Because I really think that there is nothing so
+wonderful as two girls when they stand up for each other and help each
+other a lot. Because no matter how vigarous Lady Francis Beekman seems
+to be, she had to realize that she could not sink a whole fleet full of
+ships. So she had to stop talking against my reputation.
+
+So then she said she would drag it into the court and she would say
+that it was undue influence. So I said to her, “If you wear that hat
+into a court, we will see if the judge thinks it took an undue
+influence to make Sir Francis Beekman look at a girl.” So then Dorothy
+spoke up and Dorothy said “My girl friend is right, Lady. You have got
+to be the Queen of England to get away with a hat like that.” So Lady
+Francis Beekman seemed to get quite angry. So then she said she would
+send for Sir Francis Beekman where he suddenly went to Scotland, to go
+hunting when he found out that Lady Francis Beekman had found out. So
+Dorothy said “Do you mean that you have left Sir Francis Beekman loose
+with all those spendthrifts down in Scotland?” So Dorothy said she
+would better look out or he would get together with the boys some night
+and simply massacre a haypenny. I mean I always encouradge Dorothy to
+talk quite a lot when we are talking to unrefined people like Lady
+Francis Beekman, because Dorothy speaks their own languadge to
+unrefined people better than a refined girl like I. So Dorothy said,
+“You had better not send for Sir Francis Beekman because if my girl
+friend really wanted to turn loose on Sir Francis Beekman, all he would
+have left would be his title.” So then I spoke right up and said Yes
+that I was an American girl and we American girls do not care about a
+title because we American girls always say that what is good enough for
+Washington is good enough for us. So Lady Francis Beekman really seemed
+to get more angry and more angry all of the time.
+
+So then she said that if it was necessary, she would tell the judge
+that Sir Francis Beekman went out of his mind when he gave it to me. So
+Dorothy said “Lady, if you go into a court and if the judge gets a good
+look at you, he will think that Sir Francis Beekman was out of his mind
+35 years ago.” So then Lady Francis Beekman said she knew what kind of
+a person she had to deal with and she would not deal with any such a
+person because she said it hurt her dignity. So Dorothy said “Lady, if
+we hurt your dignity like you hurt our eyesight I hope for your sake,
+you are a Christian science.” So that seemed to make Lady Francis
+Beekman angry. So she said she would turn it all over to her soliciter.
+So when she went out she tripped over quite a long train which she had
+on her skirt and she nearly fell down. So Dorothy leaned out of the
+door and Dorothy called down the hall and said, “Take a tuck in that
+skirt Isabel, its 1925.” So I really felt quite depressed because I
+felt as if our whole morning was really very unrefined just because we
+had to mix with such an unrefined lady as Lady Francis Beekman.
+
+
+
+April 30th:
+
+So sure enough yesterday morning Lady Francis Beekman’s solicitor came.
+Only he really was not a solicitor, but his name was on a card and it
+seems his name is Mons. Broussard and it seems that he is an advocat
+because an advocat is a lawyer in the French landguage. So Dorothy and
+I were getting dressed and we were in our negligay as usual when there
+was quite a loud knock on the door and before we could even say come in
+he jumped right into the room. So it seems that he is of French
+extraction. I mean Lady Francis Beekman’s solicitor can really squeal
+just like a taxi driver. I mean he was squealing quite loud when he
+jumped into the room and he kept right on squealing. So Dorothy and I
+rushed into the parlor and Dorothy looked at him and Dorothy said,
+“This town has got to stop playing jokes on us every morning” because
+our nerves could not stand it. So Mons. Broussard handed us his card
+and he squealed and squealed and he really waved his arms in the air
+quite a lot. So Dorothy said He gives quite a good imitation of the
+Moulan Rouge, which is really a red wind mill, only Dorothy said he
+makes more noise and he runs on his own wind. So we stood and watched
+him for quite a long while, but he seemed to get quite monotonous after
+quite a long while because he was always talking in French, which
+really means nothing to us. So Dorothy said “Lets see if 25 francs will
+stop him, because if 5 francs will stop a taxi driver, 25 francs ought
+to stop an advocat.” Because he was making about 5 times as much noise
+as a taxi driver and 5 times 5 is 25. So as soon as he heard us start
+in to talk about francs he seemed to calm down quite a little. So
+Dorothy got her pocket book and she gave him 25 francs. So then he
+stopped squealing and he put it in his pocket, but then he got out
+quite a large size handkerchief with purple elefants on it and he
+started in to cry. So Dorothy really got discouraged and she said,
+“Look here, you have given us a quite an amusing morning but if you
+keep that up much longer, wet or dry, out you go.”
+
+So then he started in to pointing at the telephone and he seemed to
+want to use the telephone and Dorothy said, “If you think you can get a
+number over that thing, go to it, but as far as we have found out, it
+is a wall bracket.” So then he started in to telephone so Dorothy and I
+went about our business to get dressed. So when he finished telephoning
+he kept running to my door and then he kept running to Dorothy’s door,
+and he kept on crying and talking a lot, but he seemed to have lost all
+of his novelty to us so we paid no more attention to him.
+
+So finally there was another loud knock on the door so we heard him
+rush to the door so we both went in to the parlor to see what it was
+and it really was a sight. Because it was another Frenchman. So the new
+Frenchman rushed in and he yelled Papa and he kissed him. So it seems
+that it was his son because his son is really his papa’s partner in the
+advocat business. So then his papa talked quite a lot and then he
+pointed at I and Dorothy. So then his son looked at us and then his son
+let out quite a large size squeal, and he said in French “May papa,
+elles sont sharmant.” So it seems he was telling his papa in French
+that we were really charming. So then Mons. Broussard stopped crying
+and put on his glasses and took a good look at us. So then his son put
+up the window shade, so his papa could get a better look at us. So when
+his papa had finished looking at us he really became delighted. So he
+became all smiles and he pinched our cheeks and he kept on saying
+Sharmant all of the time because Sharmant means charming in the French
+languadge. So then his son broke right out into english and he really
+speaks english as good as an American. So then he told us his papa
+telephoned for him to come over because we did not seem to understand
+what his papa was saying to us. So it seems that Mons. Broussard had
+been talking to us in english all of the time but we did not seem to
+understand his kind of english. So Dorothy said, “If what your papa was
+talking in was english, I could get a gold medal for my greek.” So then
+his son told his papa and his papa laughed very very loud and he
+pinched Dorothys cheek and he was very delighted even if the joke was
+on him. So then Dorothy and I asked his son what he was saying, when he
+was talking to us in english and his son said he was telling us all
+about his client, Lady Francis Beekman. So then we asked his son why
+his papa kept crying. So then his son said his papa kept crying because
+he was thinking about Lady Francis Beekman. So Dorothy said, “If he
+cries when he thinks about her, what does he do when he looks at her?”
+So then his son explained to his papa what Dorothy said. So then Mons.
+Broussard laughed very very loud, so then he kissed Dorothy’s hand, so
+he said, after that, we would all really have to have a bottle of
+champagne. So he went to the telephone and ordered a bottle of
+champagne.
+
+So then his son said to his papa, “Why do we not ask the charming
+ladies to go out to Fountainblo to-day.” So his papa said it would be
+charming. So then I said, “How are we going to tell you gentlemen
+apart, because if it is the same in Paris as it is in America, you
+would both seem to be Monshure Broussard.” So then we got the idea to
+call them by their first name. So it seems that his son’s name is Louie
+so Dorothy spoke up and said, “I hear that they number all of you
+Louies over here in Paris.” Because a girl is always hearing some one
+talk about Louie the sixteenth who seemed to be in the anteek furniture
+business. I mean I was surprised to hear Dorothy get so historical so
+she may really be getting educated in spite of everything. But Dorothy
+told Louie he need not try to figure out his number because she got it
+the minute she looked at him. So it seems his papa’s name is Robber,
+which means Robert in French. So Dorothy started in to think about her
+25 francs and she said to Robber, “Your mother certainly knew her
+grammer when she called you that.”
+
+So Dorothy said we might as well go out to Fountainblo with Louie and
+Robber if Louie would take off his yellow spats that were made out of
+yellow shammy skin with pink pearl buttons. Because Dorothy said, “Fun
+is fun but no girl wants to laugh all of the time.” So Louie is really
+always anxious to please, so he took off his spats but when he took off
+his spats, we saw his socks and when we saw his socks we saw that they
+were Scotch plaid with small size rainbows running through them. So
+Dorothy looked at them a little while and she really became quite
+discouraged and she said, “Well Louie, I think you had better put your
+spats back on.”
+
+So then Leon, our friend who is the waiter, came in with the bottle of
+champagne. So while he was opening the bottle of champagne Louie and
+Robber talked together in French quite a lot and I really think I had
+ought to find out what they said in French because it might be about
+the diamond tiara. Because French gentlemen are very very gallant, but
+I really do not think a girl can trust one of them around a corner. So,
+when I get a chance, I am going to ask Leon what they said.
+
+So then we went to Fountainblo and then we went to Momart and we got
+home very late, and we really had quite a delightful day and night,
+even if we did not go out shopping and buy anything. But I really think
+we ought to do more shopping because shopping really seems to be what
+Paris is principaly for.
+
+
+
+May 1st:
+
+Well this morning I sent for Leon, who is Dorothy and my waiter friend,
+and I asked him what Louie and Robber said in French. So it seems that
+they said in French that we seemed to attract them very very much
+because they really thought that we were very very charming, and they
+had not met girls that were so charming in quite a long time. So it
+seems that they said that they would ask us out a lot and that they
+would charge up all the bills to Lady Francis Beekman because they
+would watch for their chance and they would steal the diamond tiara. So
+then they said that even if they could not steal it from us, we were
+really so charming that it would be delightful to go around with us,
+even if they could not steal from us. So no matter what happens they
+really could not lose. Because it seems that Lady Francis Beekman would
+be glad to pay all the bills when they told her they had to take us out
+a lot so they could watch for their chance and steal it. Because Lady
+Francis Beekman is the kind of a wealthy lady that does not spend money
+on anything else but she will always spend money on a law suit. And she
+really would not mind spending the money because it seems that
+something either I or Dorothy said to Lady Francis Beekman seemed to
+make her angry.
+
+So then I decided it was time to do some thinking and I really thought
+quite a lot. So I told Dorothy I thought I would put the real diamond
+tiara in the safe at the Ritz and then I would buy an imitation of a
+diamond tiara at the jewelry store that has the imitations that are
+called paste. So then I would leave the imitation of the diamond tiara
+lying around, so Louie and Robber could see how careless I seem to be
+with it so then they would get full of encouradgement. So when we go
+out with Louie and Robber I could put it in my hand bag and I could
+take it with me so Louie and Robber could always feel that the diamond
+tiara was within reach. So then Dorothy and I could get them to go
+shopping and we could get them to spend quite a lot and every time they
+seemed to get discouradged, I could open my hand bag, and let them get
+a glimpse of the imitation of a diamond tiara and they would become
+more encouradged and then they would spend some more money. Because I
+even might let them steal it at the last, because they were really
+charming gentlemen after all and I really would like to help Louie and
+Robber. I mean it would be quite amusing for them to steal it for Lady
+Francis Beekman and she would have to pay them quite a lot and then she
+would find out it was only made out of paste after all. Because Lady
+Francis Beekman has never seen the real diamond tiara and the imitation
+of a diamond tiara would really deceive her, at least until Louie and
+Robber got all of their money for all of the hard work they did. I mean
+the imitation of a diamond tiara would only cost about 65 dollars and
+what is 65 dollars if Dorothy and I could do some delightful shopping
+and get some delightful presents that would even seem more delightful
+when we stopped to realize that Lady Francis Beekman paid for them. And
+it would teach Lady Francis Beekman a lesson not to say what she said
+to two American girls like I and Dorothy, who were all alone in Paris
+and had no gentleman to protect them.
+
+So when I got through telling Dorothy what I thought up, Dorothy looked
+at me and looked at me and she really said she thought my brains were a
+miracle. I mean she said my brains reminded her of a radio because you
+listen to it for days and days and you get discouradged and just when
+you are getting ready to smash it, something comes out that is a
+masterpiece.
+
+So then Louie called us up so Dorothy told him that we thought it would
+be delightful if he and Robber would take us out shopping tomorrow
+morning. So then Louie asked his papa and his papa said they would. So
+then they asked us if we would like to go to see a play called The
+Foley Bergere tonight. So he said that all of the French people who
+live in Paris are always delighted to have some Americans, so it will
+give them an excuse to go to the Foley Bergere. So we said we would go.
+So now Dorothy and I are going out shopping to buy the imitation of a
+diamond tiara and we are going out window shopping to pick out where we
+would like Louie and Robber to take us shopping tomorrow.
+
+So I really think that everything always works out for the best.
+Because after all, we really need some gentlemen to take us around
+until Mr. Eisman gets to Paris and we could not go around with any
+really attractive gentlemen because Mr. Eisman only wants me to go out
+with gentlemen that have brains. So I said to Dorothy that, even if
+Louie and Robber do not look so full of brains, we could tell Mr.
+Eisman that all we were learning from them was French. So even if I
+have not seemed to learn French yet, I have really almost learned to
+understand Robbers english so when Robber talks in front of Mr. Eisman
+and I seem to understand what he is saying, Mr. Eisman will probably
+think I know French.
+
+
+
+May 2nd:
+
+So last night we went to the Foley Bergere and it really was devine. I
+mean it was very very artistic because it had girls in it that were in
+the nude. So one of the girls was a friend of Louie and he said that
+she was a very very nice girl, and that she was only 18 years of age.
+So Dorothy said, “She is slipping it over on you Louie, because how
+could a girl get such dirty knees in only 18 years?” So Louie and
+Robber really laughed very very loud. I mean Dorothy was very unrefined
+at the Foley Bergere. But I always think that when girls are in the
+nude it is very artistic and if you have artistic thoughts you think it
+is beautiful and I really would not laugh in an artistic place like the
+Foley Bergere.
+
+So I wore the imitation of a diamond tiara to the Foley Bergere. I mean
+it really would deceeve an expert and Louie and Robber could hardly
+take their eyes off of it. But they did not really annoy me because I
+had it tied on very very tight. I mean it would be fatal if they got
+the diamond tiara before Dorothy and I took them shopping a lot.
+
+So we are all ready to go shopping this morning and Robber was here
+bright and early and he is in the parlor with Dorothy and we are
+waiting for Louie. So I left the daimond tiara on the table in the
+parlor so Robber could see how careless I really am with everything but
+Dorothy is keeping her eye on Robber. So I just heard Louie come in
+because I heard him kissing Robber. I mean Louie is always kissing
+Robber and Dorothy told Louie that if he did not stop kissing Robber,
+people would think that he painted batiks.
+
+So now I must join the others and I will put the diamond tiara in my
+hand bag so that Louie and Robber will feel that it is always around
+and we will all go shopping. And I almost have to smile when I think of
+Lady Francis Beekman.
+
+
+
+May 3rd:
+
+Yesterday was really delightful. I mean Louie and Robber bought Dorothy
+and I some delightful presents. But then they began to run out of all
+the franks they had with them, so they began to get discouradged but
+just as soon as they began to get discouradged, I gave Robber my hand
+bag to hold while I went to the fitting room to try on a blouse. So he
+was cheered up quite a lot, but of course Dorothy stayed with them and
+kept her eye on Robber so he did not get a chance. But it really
+cheered him up quite a lot to even hold it.
+
+So after all their franks were gone, Robber said he would have to
+telephone to some one, so I suppose he telephoned to Lady Francis
+Beekman and she must have said All right because Robber left us at a
+place called the Cafe de la Paix because he had to go on an errand and
+when he came back from his errand he seemed to have quite a lot more
+franks. So then they took us to luncheon so that after luncheon we
+could go out shopping some more.
+
+But I am really learning quite a lot of French in spite of everything.
+I mean if you want delicious chicken and peas for luncheon all you have
+to say is “pettypas” and “pulle.” I mean French is really very easy,
+for instance the French use the word “sheik” for everything, while we
+only seem to use it for gentlemen when they seem to resemble Rudolf
+Valentino.
+
+So while we were shopping in the afternoon I saw Louie get Dorothy off
+in a corner and whisper to her quite a lot. So then I saw Robber get
+her off in a corner and whisper to her quite a lot. So when we got back
+to the Ritz, Dorothy told me why they whispered to her. So it seems
+when Louie whispered to Dorothy, Louie told Dorothy that if she would
+steal the diamond tiara from me and give it to him and not let his papa
+know, he would give her 1000 franks. Because it seems that Lady Francis
+Beekman has got her heart set on it and she will pay quite a lot for it
+because she is quite angry and when she really gets as angry as she is,
+she is only a woman with one idea. So if Louie could get it and his
+papa would not find it out, he could keep all the money for himself. So
+it seems that later on, when Robber was whispering to Dorothy, he was
+making her the same proposition for 2000 franks so that Louie would not
+find out and Robber could keep all the money for himself. So I really
+think it would be delightful if Dorothy could make some money for
+herself because it might make Dorothy get some ambishions. So tomorrow
+morning Dorothy is going to take the diamond tiara and she is going to
+tell Louie that she stole it and she is going to sell it to Louie. But
+she will make him hand over the money first and then, just as she is
+going to hand over the diamond tiara, I am going to walk in on them and
+say, “Oh there is my diamond tiara. I have been looking for it
+everywhere.” So then I will get it back. So then she will tell him that
+she might just as well keep the 1000 franks because she will steal it
+for him again in the afternoon. So in the afternoon she is going to
+sell it to Robber and I really think we will let Robber keep it.
+Because I am quite fond of Robber. I mean he is quite a sweet old
+gentleman and it is really refreshing the way he and his son love one
+another. Because even if it is unusual for an American to see a French
+gentleman always kissing his father, I really think it is refreshing
+and I think that we Americans would be better off if we American
+fathers and sons would love one another more like Louie and Robber.
+
+So Dorothy and I have quite a lot of delightful hand bags and stockings
+and handkerchiefs and scarfs and things and some quite cute models of
+evening gowns that are all covered with imitations of diamonds, only
+they do not call them “paste” when they are on a dress but they call
+them “diamonteys” and I really think a girl looks quite cute when she
+is covered all over with “diamonteys.”
+
+
+
+May 5th:
+
+So yesterday morning Dorothy sold the imitation of a diamond tiara to
+Louie. So then we got it back. So in the afternoon we all went out to
+Versigh. I mean Louie and Robber were quite delighted not to go
+shopping any more so I suppose that Lady Francis Beekman really thinks
+that there is a limit to almost everything. So I took Louie for a walk
+at Versigh so that Dorothy would have a chance to sell it to Robber. So
+then she sold it to Robber. So then he put it in his pocket. But when
+we were coming home I got to thinking things over and I really got to
+thinking that an imitation of a diamond tiara was quite a good thing to
+have after all. I mean especially if a girl goes around a lot in Paris,
+with admirers who are of the French extraction. And after all, I really
+do not think a girl ought to encouradge Robber to steal something from
+two American girls who are all alone in Paris and have no gentleman to
+protect them. So I asked Dorothy which pocket Robber put it in, so I
+sat next to him in the automobile coming home and I took it out.
+
+So we were in quite a quaint restaurant for dinner when Robber put his
+hand in his pocket and then he started in to squeal once more. So it
+seems he had lost something, so he and Louie had one of their regular
+squealing and shoulder shrugging matches. But Louie told his papa that
+he did not steal it out of his papa’s pocket. But then Robber started
+in to cry to think that his son would steal something out of his own
+papa’s pocket. So after Dorothy and I had had about all we could stand,
+I told them all about it. I mean I really felt sorry for Robber so I
+told him not to cry any more because it was nothing but paste after
+all. So then I showed it to them. So then Louie and Robber looked at
+Dorothy and I and they really held their breath. So I suppose that most
+of the girls in Paris do not have such brains as we American girls.
+
+So after it was all over, Louie and Robber seemed to be so depressed
+that I really felt sorry for them. So I got an idea. So I told them
+that we would all go out tomorrow to the imitation of a jewelry store
+and they could buy another imitation of a diamond tiara to give to Lady
+Francis Beekman and they could get the man in the jewelry store to put
+on the bill that it was a hand bag and they could charge the bill to
+Lady Francis Beekman along with the other expenses. Because Lady
+Francis Beekman had never seen the real diamond tiara anyway. So
+Dorothy spoke up and Dorothy said that as far as Lady Francis Beekman
+would know about diamonds, you could nick off a piece of ice and give
+it to her, only it would melt. So then Robber looked at me and looked
+at me, and he reached over and kissed me on the forehead in a way that
+was really full of reverance.
+
+So then we had quite a delightful evening. I mean because we all seem
+to understand one another because, after all, Dorothy and I could
+really have a platonick friendship with gentlemen like Louie and
+Robber. I mean there seems to be something common between us,
+especially when we all get to thinking about Lady Francis Beekman.
+
+So they are going to charge Lady Francis Beekman quite a lot of money
+when they give her the imitation of a diamond tiara and I told Robber
+if she seems to complane, to ask her, if she knew that Sir Francis
+Beekman sent me 10 pounds worth of orchids every day while we were in
+London. So that would make her so angry that she would be glad to pay
+almost anything to get the diamond tiara.
+
+So when Lady Francis Beekman pays them all the money, Louie and Robber
+are going to give us a dinner in our honor at Ciros. So when Mr. Eisman
+gets here on Saturday, Dorothy and I are going to make Mr. Eisman give
+Louie and Robber a dinner in their honor at Ciros because of the way
+they helped us when we were two American girls all alone in Paris and
+could not even speak the French landguage.
+
+So Louie and Robber asked us to come to a party at their sister’s house
+today but Dorothy says we had better not go because it is raining and
+we both have brand new umbrellas that are quite cute and Dorothy says
+she would not think of leaving a brand new umbrella in a French lady’s
+hall and it is no fun to hang on to an umbrella all the time you are at
+a party. So we had better be on the safe side and stay away. So we
+called up Louie and told him we had a headache but we thanked him for
+all of his hospitality. Because it is the way all the French people
+like Louie and Robber are so hospitable to we Americans that really
+makes Paris so devine.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FIVE
+
+THE CENTRAL OF EUROPE
+
+
+May 16th:
+
+I really have not written in my diary for quite a long time, because
+Mr. Eisman arrived in Paris and when Mr. Eisman is in Paris we really
+do not seem to do practically anything else but the same thing.
+
+I mean we go shopping and we go to a show and we go to Momart and when
+a girl is always going with Mr. Eisman nothing practically happens. And
+I did not even bother to learn any more French because I always seem to
+think it is better to leave French to those that can not do anything
+else but talk French. So finally Mr. Eisman seemed to lose quite a lot
+of interest in all of my shopping. So he heard about a button factory
+that was for sale quite cheaply in Vienna and as Mr. Eisman is in the
+button profession, he thought it would be a quite good thing to have a
+button factory in Vienna so he went to Vienna and he said he did not
+care if he did not ever see the rue de la Paix again. So he said if he
+thought Vienna would be good for a girl’s brains, he would send for
+Dorothy and I and we could meet him at Vienna and learn something.
+Because Mr. Eisman really wants me to get educated more than anything
+else, especially shopping.
+
+So now we have a telegram, and Mr. Eisman says in the telegram for
+Dorothy and I to take an oriental express because we really ought to
+see the central of Europe because we American girls have quite a lot to
+learn in the central of Europe. So Dorothy says if Mr. Eisman wants us
+to see the central of Europe she bets there is not a rue de la Paix in
+the whole central of Europe.
+
+So Dorothy and I are going to take an oriental express tomorrow and I
+really think it is quite unusual for two American girls like I and
+Dorothy to take an oriental express all alone, because it seems that in
+the Central of Europe they talk some other kinds of landguages which we
+do not understand besides French. But I always think that there is
+nearly always some gentleman who will protect two American girls like I
+and Dorothy who are all alone and who are traveling in the Central of
+Europe to get educated.
+
+
+
+May 17th:
+
+So now we are on an oriental express and everything seems to be quite
+unusual. I mean Dorothy and I got up this morning and we looked out of
+the window of our compartment and it was really quite unusual. Because
+it was farms, and we saw quite a lot of girls who seemed to be putting
+small size hay stacks onto large size hay stacks while their husbands
+seemed to sit at a table under quite a shady tree and drink beer. Or
+else their husbands seemed to sit on a fence and smoke their pipe and
+watch them. So Dorothy and I looked at two girls who seemed to be
+ploughing up all of the ground with only the aid of a cow and Dorothy
+said, “I think we girls have gone one step to far away from New York,
+because it begins to look to me as if the Central of Europe is no
+country for we girls.” So we both became quite worried. I mean I became
+quite depressed because if this is what Mr. Eisman thinks we American
+girls ought to learn I really think it is quite depressing. So I do not
+think we care to meet any gentlemen who have been born and raised in
+the Central of Europe. I mean the more I travel and the more I seem to
+see other gentlemen the more I seem to think of American gentlemen.
+
+So now I am going to get dressed and go to the dining car and look for
+some American gentleman and hold a conversation, because I really feel
+so depressed. I mean Dorothy keeps trying to depress me because she
+keeps saying that I will probably end up in a farm in the Central of
+Europe doing a sister act with a plough. Because Dorothy’s jokes are
+really very unrefined and I think that I will feel much better if I go
+to the dining car and have some luncheon.
+
+
+
+Well I went to the dining car and I met a gentleman who was quite a
+delightful American gentleman, I mean it was quite a co-instance,
+because we girls have always heard about Henry Spoffard and it was
+really nobody else but the famous Henry Spoffard, who is the famous
+Spoffard family, who is a very very fine old family who is very very
+wealthy. I mean Mr. Spoffard is one of the most famous familys in New
+York and he is not like most gentlemen who are wealthy, but he works
+all of the time for the good of the others. I mean he is the gentleman
+who always gets his picture in all of the newspapers because he is
+always senshuring all of the plays that are not good for peoples
+morals. And all of we girls remember the time when he was in the Ritz
+for luncheon and he met a gentleman friend of his and the gentleman
+friend had Peggy Hopkins Joyce to luncheon and he introduced Peggy
+Hopkins Joyce to Mr. Spoffard and Mr. Spoffard turned on his heels and
+walked away. Because Mr. Spoffard is a very very famous Prespyterian
+and he is really much to Prespyterian to meet Peggy Hopkins Joyce. I
+mean it is unusual to see a gentleman who is such a young gentleman as
+Mr. Spoffard be so Prespyterian, because when most gentlemen are 35
+years of age their minds nearly always seem to be on something else.
+
+So when I saw no one else but the famous Mr. Spoffard I really became
+quite thrilled. Because all of we girls have tried very hard to have an
+introduction to Henry Spoffard and it was quite unusual to be shut up
+on a train in the Central of Europe with him. So I thought it would be
+quite unusual for a girl like I to have a friendship with a gentleman
+like Mr. Spoffard, who really does not even look at a girl unless she
+at least looks like a Prespyterian. And I mean our family in Little
+Rock were really not so Prespyterians.
+
+So I thought I would sit at his table. So then I had to ask him about
+all of the money because all of the money they use in the Central of
+Europe has not even got so much sense to it as the kind of franks they
+use in Paris. Because it seems to be called kronens and it seems to
+take quite a lot of them because it takes 50,000 of them to even buy a
+small size package of cigarettes and Dorothy says if the cigarettes had
+tobacco in them, we couldn’t lift enough kronens over a counter to pay
+for a package. So this morning Dorothy and I asked the porter to bring
+us a bottle of champagne and we really did not know what to give him
+for a tip. So Dorothy said for me to take one of the things called a
+one million kronens and she would take one of them called a one million
+kronens and I would give him mine first and if he gave me quite a dirty
+look, she would give him hers. So after we paid for the bottle of
+champagne I gave him my one million kronens and before we could do
+anything else he started in to grabbing my hand and kissing my hand and
+getting down on his knees. So we finally had to push him right out of
+the compartment. So one million kronens seemed to be enough. So I told
+Mr. Spoffard how we did not know what to give the porter when he
+brought us our bottle of minral water. So then I asked him to tell me
+all about all of the money because I told him I always seem to think
+that a penny earned was a penny saved. So it really was quite unusual
+because Mr. Spoffard said that that was his favorite motto.
+
+
+
+So then we got to talking quite a lot and I told him that I was
+traveling to get educated and I told him I had a girl with me who I was
+trying to reform because I thought if she would put her mind more on
+getting educated, she would get more reformed. Because after all Mr.
+Spoffard will have to meet Dorothy sooner or later and he might wonder
+what a refined girl like I was doing with a girl like Dorothy. So Mr.
+Spoffard really became quite intreeged. Because Mr. Spoffard loves to
+reform people and he loves to senshure everything and he really came
+over to Europe to look at all the things that Americans come over to
+Europe to look at, when they really should not look at them but they
+should look at all of the museums instead. Because if that is all we
+Americans come to Europe to look at, we should stay home and look at
+America first. So Mr. Spoffard spends all of his time looking at things
+that spoil peoples morals. So Mr. Spoffard really must have very very
+strong morals or else all the things that spoil other peoples morals
+would spoil his morals. But they do not seem to spoil Mr. Spoffards
+morals and I really think it is wonderful to have such strong morals.
+So I told Mr. Spoffard that I thought that civilization is not what it
+ought to be and we really ought to have something else to take its
+place.
+
+So Mr. Spoffard said that he would come to call on Dorothy and I in our
+compartment this afternoon and we would talk it all over, if his mother
+does not seem to need him in her compartment. Because Mr. Spoffards
+mother always travels with Mr. Spoffard and he never does anything
+unless he tells his mother all about it, and asks his mother if he
+ought to. So he told me that that is the reason he has never got
+married, because his mother does not think that all of the flappers we
+seem to have nowadays are what a young man ought to marry when a young
+man is full of so many morals as Mr. Spoffard seems to be full of. So I
+told Mr. Spoffard that I really felt just like his mother feels about
+all of the flappers because I am an old fashioned girl.
+
+So then I got to worrying about Dorothy quite a lot because Dorothy is
+really not so old-fashioned and she might say something in front of Mr.
+Spoffard that might make Mr. Spoffard wonder what such an old-fashioned
+girl as I was doing with such a girl as Dorothy. So I told him how I
+was having quite a hard time reforming Dorothy and I would like to have
+him meet Dorothy so he could tell me if he really thinks I am wasting
+quite a lot of time trying to reform a girl like Dorothy. So then he
+had to go to his mother. So I really hope that Dorothy will act more
+reformed than she usually acts in front of Mr. Spoffard.
+
+Well Mr. Spoffard just left our compartment so he really came to pay a
+call on us after all. So Mr. Spoffard told us all about his mother and
+I was really very very intreeged because if Mr. Spoffard and I become
+friendly he is the kind of a gentleman that always wants a girl to meet
+his mother. I mean if a girl gets to know what kind of a mother a
+gentlemans mother is like, she really knows more what kind of a
+conversation to use on a gentleman’s mother when she meets her. Because
+a girl like I is really always on the verge of meeting gentlemen’s
+mothers. But such an unrefined girl as Dorothy is really not the kind
+of a girl that ever meets gentlemens mothers.
+
+
+
+So Mr. Spoffard says his mother has to have him take care of her quite
+a lot. Because Mr. Spoffards mothers brains have never really been so
+strong. Because it seems his mother came from such a very fine old
+family that even when she was quite a small size child she had to be
+sent to a school that was a special school for people of very fine old
+familys who had to have things very easy on their brain. So she still
+has to have things very easy on her brain, so she has a girl who is
+called her companion who goes with her everywhere who is called Miss
+Chapman. Because Mr. Spoffard says that there is always something new
+going on in the world which they did not get a chance to tell her about
+at the school. So now Miss Chapman keeps telling her instead. Because
+how would she know what to think about such a new thing as a radio, for
+instance, if she did not have Miss Chapman to tell her what it was, for
+instance. So Dorothy spoke up and Dorothy said, “What a responsibility
+that girl has got on her shoulders. For instance, what if Miss Chapman
+told her a radio was something to build a fire in, and she would get
+cold some day and stuff it full of papers and light it.” But Mr.
+Spoffard told Dorothy that Miss Chapman would never make such a
+mistake. Because he said that Miss Chapman came from a very very fine
+old family herself and she really had a fine brain. So Dorothy said,
+“If she really has got such a fine brain I bet her fine old family once
+had an ice man who could not be trusted.” So Mr. Spoffard and I did not
+pay any more attention to Dorothy because Dorothy really does not know
+how to hold a conversation.
+
+
+
+So then I and Mr. Spoffard held a conversation all about morals and Mr.
+Spoffard says he really thinks the future of everything is between the
+hands of Mr. Blank the district attorney who is the famous district
+attorney who is closing up all the places in New York where they sell
+all of the liquor. So Mr. Spoffard said that a few months ago, when Mr.
+Blank decided he would try to get the job to be the district attorney,
+he put 1,000 dollars worth of liquor down his sink. So now Mr. Blank
+says that everybody else has got to put it down their sink. So Dorothy
+spoke up, and Dorothy said, “If he poured 1,000 dollars worth down his
+sink to get himself one million dollars worth of publicity and a good
+job—when we pour it down our sink, what do we get?” But Mr. Spoffard is
+to brainy a gentleman to answer any such a foolish question. So he gave
+Dorothy a look that was full of dignity and he said he would have to go
+back to his Mother. So I was really quite angry at Dorothy. So I
+followed Mr. Spoffard down the hall of the railway train and I asked
+Mr. Spoffard if he thought I was wasting quite a lot of time reforming
+a girl like Dorothy. So Mr. Spoffard thinks I am, because he really
+thinks a girl like Dorothy will never have any reverance. So I told Mr.
+Spoffard I had wasted so much time on Dorothy it would really break my
+heart to be a failure. So then I had tears in my eyes. So Mr. Spoffard
+is really very very sympathetic because when he saw that I did not have
+any handkerchief, he took his own handkerchief and he dried up all of
+my tears. So then he said he would help me with Dorothy quite a lot and
+get her mind to running on things that are more educational.
+
+So then he said he thought that we ought to get off the train at a
+place called Munich because it was very full of art, which they call
+“kunst” in Munich, which is very, very educational. So he said he and
+Dorothy and I would get off of the train in Munich because he could
+send his mother right on to Vienna with Miss Chapman, because every
+place always seems to look alike to his mother anyway. So we are all
+going to get off the train at Munich and I can send Mr. Eisman a
+telegram when nobody is looking. Because I really do not think I will
+tell Mr. Spoffard about Mr. Eisman, because, after all, their religions
+are different and when two gentlemen have such different religions they
+do not seem to have so much to get congeneal about. So I can telegraph
+Mr. Eisman that Dorothy and I thought we would get off the train at
+Munich to look at all of the art.
+
+So then I went back to Dorothy and I told Dorothy if she did not have
+anything to say in the future to not say it. Because even if Mr.
+Spoffard is a fine old family and even if he is very Prespyterian, I
+and he could really be friendly after all and talk together quite a
+lot. I mean Mr. Spoffard likes to talk about himself quite a lot, so I
+said to Dorothy it really shows that, after all, he is just like any
+other gentleman. But Dorothy said she would demand more proof than
+that. So Dorothy says she thinks that maybe I might become quite
+friendly with Mr. Spoffard and especially with his mother because she
+thinks his mother and I have quite a lot that is common, but she says,
+if I ever bump into Miss Chapman, she thinks I will come to a kropper
+because Dorothy saw Miss Chapman when she was at luncheon and Dorothy
+says Miss Chapman is the kind of a girl that wears a collar and a tie
+even when she is not on horseback. And Dorothy said it was the look
+that Miss Chapman gave her at luncheon that really gave her the idea
+about the ice man. So Dorothy says she thinks Miss Chapman has got 3
+thirds of the brains of that trio of Geegans, because Geegans is the
+slang word that Dorothy has thought up to use on people who are society
+people. Because Dorothy says she thinks any gentleman with Mr.
+Spoffards brains had ought to spend his time putting nickels into an
+electric piano, but I did not even bother to talk back at such a girl
+as Dorothy. So now we must get ready to get off the train when the
+train gets to Munich so that we can look at all of the kunst in Munich.
+
+
+
+May 19th:
+
+Well yesterday Mr. Spoffard and I and Dorothy got off the train at
+Munich to see all of the kunst in Munich, but you only call it Munich
+when you are on the train because as soon as you get off of the train
+they seem to call it Munchen. So you really would know that Munchen was
+full of kunst because in case you would not know it, they have painted
+the word “kunst” in large size black letters on everything in Munchen,
+and you can not even see a boot black’s stand in Munchen that is not
+full of kunst.
+
+So Mr. Spoffard said that we really ought to go to the theater in
+Munchen because even the theater in Munchen was full of kunst. So we
+looked at all of the bills of all of the theaters, with the aid of
+quite an intelectual hotel clerk who seemed to be able to read it and
+tell us what it said, because it really meant nothing to us. So it
+seems they were playing Kiki in Munchen, so I said, let us go and see
+Kiki because we have seen Lenore Ulric in New York and we would really
+know what it is all about even if they do not seem to talk the English
+landguage. So then we went to the Kunst theater. So it seems that
+Munchen is practically full of Germans and the lobby of the Kunst
+theater was really full of Germans who stand in the lobby and drink
+beer and eat quite a lot of Bermudian onions and garlick sausage and
+hard boiled eggs and beer before all of the acts. So I really had to
+ask Mr. Spoffard if he thought we had come to the right theatre because
+the lobby seemed to smell such a lot. I mean when the smell of beer
+gets to be anteek it gets to smell quite a lot. But Mr. Spoffard seemed
+to think that the lobby of the Kunst theatre did not smell any worse
+than all of the other places in Munich. So then Dorothy spoke up and
+Dorothy said “You can say what you want about the Germans being full of
+‘kunst,’ but what they are really full of is delicatessen.”
+
+So then we went into the Kunst theater. But the Kunst theater does not
+seem to smell so good as the lobby of the Kunst theater. And the Kunst
+theater seems to be decorated with quite a lot of what tripe would look
+like if it was pasted on the wall and gilded. Only you could not really
+see the gilding because it was covered with quite a lot of dust. So
+Dorothy looked around and Dorothy said, if this is “kunst,” the art
+center of the world is Union Hill New Jersey.
+
+So then they started in to playing Kiki but it seems that it was not
+the same kind of a Kiki that we have in America, because it seemed to
+be all about a family of large size German people who seemed to keep
+getting in each others ways. I mean when a stage is completely full of
+2 or 3 German people who are quite large size, they really cannot help
+it if they seem to get in each others ways. So then Dorothy got to
+talking with a young gentleman who seemed to be a German gentleman who
+sat back of her, who she thought was applauding. But what he was really
+doing was he was cracking a hard boiled egg on the back of her chair.
+So he talked English with quite an accent that seemed to be quite a
+German accent. So Dorothy asked him if Kiki had come out on the stage
+yet. So he said no, but she was really a beautiful german actress who
+came clear from Berlin and he said we should really wait until she came
+out, even if we did not seem to understand it. So finally she came out.
+I mean we knew it was her because Dorothy’s German gentleman friend
+nudged Dorothy with a sausage. So we looked at her, and we looked at
+her and Dorothy said, “If Schuman Heinke still has a grandmother, we
+have dug her up in Munchen.” So we did not bother to see any more of
+Kiki because Dorothy said she would really have to know more about the
+foundations of that building before she would risk our lives to see
+Kiki do that famous scene where she faints in the last act. Because
+Dorothy said, if the foundations of that building were as anteek as the
+smell, there was going to be a catasterophy when Kiki hit the floor. So
+even Mr. Spoffard was quite discouradged, but he was really glad
+because he said he was 100 per cent. of an American and it served the
+Germans right for starting such a war against all we Americans.
+
+
+
+May 20th:
+
+Well today Mr. Spoffard is going to take me all around to all of the
+museums in Munchen, which are full of kunst that I really ought to look
+at, but Dorothy said she had been punished for all of her sins last
+night, so now she is going to begin life all over again by going out
+with her German gentleman friend, who is going to take her to a house
+called the Half Brow house which is the worlds largest size of a Beer
+Hall. So Dorothy said I could be a high brow and get full of kunst, but
+she is satisfide to be a Half brow and get full of beer. But Dorothy
+will really never be full of anything else but unrefinement.
+
+
+
+May 21st:
+
+Well Mr. Spoffard and I and Dorothy are on the train again and we are
+all going to Vienna. I mean Mr. Spoffard and I spent one whole day
+going through all of the museums in Munchen, but I am really not even
+going to think about it. Because when something terrible happens to me,
+I always try to be a Christian science and I simply do not even think
+about it, but I deny that it ever happened even if my feet do seem to
+hurt quite a lot. So even Dorothy had quite a hard day in Munchen
+because her German gentleman friend, who is called Rudolf, came for her
+at 11 oclock to take her to breakfast. But Dorothy told him that she
+had had her breakfast. But her gentleman friend said that he had had
+his first breakfast to, but it was time for his second. So he took
+Dorothy to the Half Brow house where everybody eats white sausages and
+pretzels and beer at 11 oclock. So after they had their white sausages
+and beer he wanted to take her for a ride but they could only go a few
+blocks because by then it was time for luncheon. So they ate quite a
+lot of luncheon and then he bought her a large size box of chocolates
+that were full of liqueurs, and took her to the matinee. So after the
+first act Rudolf got hungry and they had to go and stand in the lobby
+and have some sandwitches and beer. But Dorothy did not enjoy the show
+very much and so after the second act Rudolf said they would leave
+because it was time for tea anyway. So after quite a heavy tea, Rudolph
+asked her to dinner and Dorothy was to overcome to say No. So after
+dinner they went to a beer garden for beer and pretzels. But finally
+Dorothy began to come to, and she asked him to take her back to the
+hotel. So Rudolf said he would, but they had better have a bite to eat
+first. So today Dorothy really feels just as discouradged as I seem to
+feel, only Dorothy is not a Christian science and all she can do is
+suffer.
+
+But in spite of all of my Christian science, I am really beginning to
+feel quite discouradged about Vienna. I mean Mr. Eisman is in Vienna,
+and I do not see how I can spend quite a lot of time with Mr. Eisman
+and quite a lot of time with Mr. Spoffard and keep them from meeting
+one another. Because Mr. Spoffard might not seem to understand why Mr.
+Eisman seems to spend quite a lot of money to get me educated. And
+Dorothy keeps trying to depress me about Miss Chapman because she says
+she thinks that when Miss Chapman sees I and Mr. Spoffard together she
+thinks that Miss Chapman will cable for the familys favorite lunacy
+expert. So I have got to be as full of Christian science as I can and
+always hope for the best.
+
+
+
+May 25th:
+
+So far everything has really worked out for the best. Because Mr.
+Eisman is very very busy all day with the button profession, and he
+tells me to run around with Dorothy all day. So I and Mr. Spoffard run
+around all day. So then I tell Mr. Spoffard that I really do not care
+to go to all of the places that you go to at night, but I will go to
+bed and get ready for tomorrow instead. So then Dorothy and I go to
+dinner with Mr. Eisman and then we go to a show, and we stay up quite
+late at a cabaret called the Chapeau Rouge and I am able to keep it all
+up with the aid of champagne. So if we keep our eye out for Mr.
+Spoffard and do not all bump into one another when he is out looking at
+things that we Americans really should not look at, it will all work
+out for the best. I mean I have even stopped Mr. Spoffard looking at
+museums because I tell him that I like nature better, and when you look
+at nature you look at it in a horse and buggy in the park and it is
+much easier on the feet. So now he is beginning to talk about how he
+would like me to meet his mother, so everything really seems for the
+best after all.
+
+But I have quite a hard time with Mr. Eisman at night. I mean at night
+Mr. Eisman is in quite a state, because every time he makes an
+engagement about the button factory, it is time for all the gentlemen
+in Vienna to go to the coffee house and sit. Or else every time he
+makes an engagement about the button factory, some Viennese gentleman
+gets the idea to have a picknick and they all put on short pants and
+bare knees and they all put a feather in their hat, and they all walk
+to the Tyrol. So it really discouradges Mr. Eisman quite a lot. But if
+anyone ought to get discouradged I think that I ought to get
+discouradged because after all when a girl has had no sleep for a week
+a girl can not help it if she seems to get discouradged.
+
+
+
+May 27th:
+
+Well finaly I broke down and Mr. Spoffard said that he thought a little
+girl like I, who was trying to reform the whole world was trying to do
+to much, especially beginning on a girl like Dorothy. So he said there
+was a famous doctor in Vienna called Dr. Froyd who could stop all of my
+worrying because he does not give a girl medicine but he talks you out
+of it by psychoanalysis. So yesterday he took me to Dr. Froyd. So Dr.
+Froyd and I had quite a long talk in the english landguage. So it seems
+that everybody seems to have a thing called inhibitions, which is when
+you want to do a thing and you do not do it. So then you dream about it
+instead. So Dr. Froyd asked me, what I seemed to dream about. So I told
+him that I never really dream about anything. I mean I use my brains so
+much in the day time that at night they do not seem to do anything else
+but rest. So Dr. Froyd was very very surprized at a girl who did not
+dream about anything. So then he asked me all about my life. I mean he
+is very very sympathetic, and he seems to know how to draw a girl out
+quite a lot. I mean I told him things that I really would not even put
+in my diary. So then he seemed very very intreeged at a girl who always
+seemed to do everything she wanted to do. So he asked me if I really
+never wanted to do a thing that I did not do. For instance did I ever
+want to do a thing that was really vialent, for instance, did I ever
+want to shoot someone for instance. So then I said I had, but the
+bullet only went in Mr. Jennings lung and came right out again. So then
+Dr. Froyd looked at me and looked at me and he said he did not really
+think it was possible. So then he called in his assistance and he
+pointed at me and talked to his assistance quite a lot in the Viennese
+landguage. So then his assistance looked at me and looked at me and it
+really seems as if I was quite a famous case. So then Dr. Froyd said
+that all I needed was to cultivate a few inhibitions and get some
+sleep.
+
+
+
+May 29th:
+
+Things are really getting to be quite a strain. Because yesterday Mr.
+Spoffard and Mr. Eisman were both in the lobby of the Bristol hotel and
+I had to pretend not to see both of them. I mean it is quite an easy
+thing to pretend not to see one gentleman, but it is a quite hard thing
+to pretend not to see two gentlemen. So something has really got to
+happen soon, or I will have to admit that things seem to be happening
+that are not for the best.
+
+So this afternoon Dorothy and I had an engagement to meet Count Salm
+for tea at four o’clock, only you do not call it tea at Vienna but you
+seem to call it “yowzer” and you do not drink tea at Vienna but you
+drink coffee instead. I mean it is quite unusual to see all of the
+gentlemen at Vienna stop work, to go to yowzer about one hour after
+they have all finished their luncheon, but time really does not seem to
+mean so much to Viennese gentlemen except time to get to the coffee
+house, which they all seem to know by instincts, or else they really do
+not seem to mind if they make a mistake and get there to early. Because
+Mr. Eisman says that when it is time to attend to the button
+profession, they really seem to lose all of their interest until Mr.
+Eisman is getting so nervous he could scream.
+
+So we went to Deimels and met Count Salm. But while we were having
+yowzer with Count Salm, we saw Mr. Spoffard’s mother come in with her
+companion Miss Chapman, and Miss Chapman seemed to look at me quite a
+lot and talk to Mr. Spoffards mother about me quite a lot. So I became
+quite nervous, because I really wished that we were not with Count
+Salm. I mean it has been quite a hard thing to make Mr. Spoffard think
+that I am trying to reform Dorothy, but if I had to try to make him
+think that I was trying to reform Count Salm, he might begin to think
+that there is a limit to almost everything. So Mr. Spoffards mother
+seems to be deaf, because she seems to use an ear trumpet and I really
+could not help over hearing quite a lot of words that Miss Chapman was
+using on me, even if it is not such good etiquet to overhear people. So
+Miss Chapman seemed to be telling Mr. Spoffards mother that I was a
+“creature,” and she seemed to be telling her that I was the real reason
+why her son seemed to be so full of nothing but neglect lately. So then
+Mr. Spoffards mother looked at me and looked at me, even if it was not
+such good etiquet to look at a person. And Miss Chapman kept right on
+talking to Mr. Spoffards mother and I heard her mention Willie Gwynn
+and I think that Miss Chapman has been making some inquiries about me
+and I really think that she has heard about the time when all of the
+family of Willie Gwynn had quite a long talk with me and persuaded me
+not to marry Willie Gwynn for $10,000. So I really wish Mr. Spoffard
+would introduce me to his mother before she gets to be full of quite a
+lot of prejudice. Because one thing seems to be piling up on top of
+another thing, until I am almost on the verge of getting nervous and I
+have not had any time yet to do what Dr. Froyd said a girl ought to do.
+
+So tonight I am going to tell Mr. Eisman that I have got to go to bed
+early, so then I can take quite a long ride with Mr. Spoffard and look
+at nature, and he may say something definite, because nothing makes
+gentlemen get so definite as looking at nature when it is moonlight.
+
+
+
+May 30th:
+
+Well last night Mr. Spoffard and I took quite a long ride in the park,
+but they do not call it a park in the Viennese landguage but they call
+it the Prater. So a prater is really devine because it is just like
+Coney Island but at the same time it is in the woods and it is
+practically full of trees and it has quite a long road for people to
+take rides on in a horse and buggy. So I found out that Miss Chapman
+had been talking against me quite a lot. So it seems that she has been
+making inquiries about me, and I was really surprised to hear all of
+the things that Miss Chapman seemed to find out about me except that
+she did not find out about Mr. Eisman educating me. So then I had to
+tell Mr. Spoffard that I was not always so reformed as I am now,
+because the world was full of gentlemen who were nothing but wolfs in
+sheeps clothes, that did nothing but take advantadge of all we girls.
+So I really cried quite a lot. So then I told him how I was just a
+little girl from Little Rock when I first left Little Rock and by that
+time even Mr. Spoffard had tears in his eyes. So I told him how I came
+from a very very good family because papa was very intelectual, and he
+was a very very prominent Elk, and everybody always said that he was a
+very intelectual Elk. So I told Mr. Spoffard that when I left Little
+Rock I thought that all of the gentlemen did not want to do anything
+but protect we girls and by the time I found out that they did not want
+to protect us so much, it was to late. So then he cried quite a lot. So
+then I told him how I finaly got reformed by reading all about him in
+the newspapers and when I saw him in the oriental express it really
+seemed to be nothing but the result of fate. So I told Mr. Spoffard
+that I thought a girl was really more reformed if she knew what it was
+to be unreformed than if she was born reformed and never really knew
+that was the matter with her. So then Mr. Spoffard reached over and he
+kissed me on the forehead in a way that was full of reverance and he
+said I seemed to remind him quite a lot of a girl who got quite a
+write-up in the bible who was called Magdellen. So then he said that he
+used to be a member of the choir himself, so who was he to cast the
+first rock at a girl like I.
+
+So we rode around in the Prater until it was quite late and it really
+was devine because it was moonlight and we talked quite a lot about
+morals, and all the bands in the prater were all playing in the
+distants “Mama love Papa”. Because “Mama love Papa” has just reached
+Vienna and they all seem to be crazy about “Mama love Papa” even if it
+is not so new in America. So then he took me home to the hotel.
+
+So everything always works out for the best, because this morning Mr.
+Spoffard called up and told me he wanted me to meet his mother. So I
+told him I would like to have luncheon alone with his mother because we
+could have quite a little tatatate if there was only two of us. So I
+told him to bring his mother to our room for luncheon because I thought
+that Miss Chapman could not walk into our room and spoil everything.
+
+So he brought his mother down to our sitting room and I put on quite a
+simple little organdy gown that I had ripped all of the trimming off
+of, and I had a pair of black lace mitts that Dorothy used to wear in
+the Follies and I had a pair of shoes that did not have any heels on
+them. So when he introduced us to each other I dropped her a courtesy
+because I always think it is quite quaint when a girl drops quite a lot
+of courtesys. So then he left us alone and we had quite a little talk
+and I told her that I did not seem to like all of the flappers that we
+seem to have nowadays, because I was brought up to be more old
+fashioned. So then Mr. Spoffards mother told me that Miss Chapman said
+that she had heard that I was not so old fashioned. But I told her that
+I was so old fashioned that I was always full of respect for all of my
+elders and I would not dare to tell them everything they ought to do,
+like Miss Chapman seems to tell her everything she ought to do, for
+instants.
+
+So then I ordered luncheon and I thought some champagne would make her
+feel quite good for luncheon so I asked her if she liked champagne. So
+she really likes champagne very very much but Miss Chapman thinks it is
+not so nice for a person to drink liquor. But I told her that I was a
+Christian science, and all of we Christian science seem to believe that
+there can not really be any harm in anything, so how can there be any
+harm in a small size bottle of champagne? So she never seemed to look
+at it in that kind of a light before, because she said that Miss
+Chapman believed in Christian science also, but what Miss Chapman
+believed about things that were good for you to drink seemed to apply
+more towards water. So then we had luncheon and she began to feel very
+very good. So I thought that we had better have another bottle of
+champagne because I told her that I was such an ardent Christian
+science that I did not even believe there could be any harm in two
+bottles of champagne. So we had another bottle of champagne and she
+became very intreeged about Christian science because she said that she
+really thought it was a better religion than Prespyterians. So she said
+Miss Chapman used to try to get her to use it on things, but Miss
+Chapman never seemed to have such a large size grasp of the Christian
+science religion as I seem to have.
+
+So then I told her that I thought Miss Chapman was jealous of her good
+looks. So then she said that that was true, because Miss Chapman would
+always make her wear hats that were made out of black horses hair
+because horses hair does not weigh so much on a persons brain. So I
+told her I was going to give her one of my hats that has got quite
+large size roses on it. So then I got it out, but we could not get it
+on her head because hats are quite small on account of hair being
+bobbed. So I thought I would get the sissors and bob her head, but then
+I thought I had done enough to her for one day.
+
+So Henry’s mother said that I was really the most sunshine that she
+ever had in all her life and when Henry came back to take his Mother up
+to her room, she did not want to go. But after he got her away he
+called me up on the telephone and he was qiute excited and he said he
+wanted to ask me something that was very very important. So I said I
+would see him tonight.
+
+But now I have got to see Mr. Eisman because I have an idea about doing
+something that is really very very important that has got to be done at
+once.
+
+
+
+May 31st:
+
+Well I and Dorothy and Mr. Eisman are on a train going to a place
+called Buda Pest. So I did not see Henry again before I left, but I
+left him a letter. Because I thought it would be a quite good thing if
+what he wanted to ask me he would have to write down, instead of asking
+me, and he could not write it to me if I was in the same city that he
+is in. So I told him in my letter that I had to leave in five minute’s
+time because I found out that Dorothy was just on the verge of getting
+very unreformed, and if I did not get her away, all I had done for her
+would really go for nothing. So I told him to write down what he had to
+say to me, and mail it to me at the Ritz hotel in Buda Pest. Because I
+always seem to believe in the old addage, Say it in writing.
+
+So it was really very easy to get Mr. Eisman to leave Vienna, because
+yesterday he went out to see the button factory but it seems that all
+of the people at the button factory were not at work but they were
+giving a birthday party to some saint. So it seems that every time some
+saint has a birthday they all stop work so they can give it a birthday
+party. So Mr. Eisman looked at their calendar, and found out that some
+saint or other was born practically every week in the year. So he has
+decided that America is good enough for him.
+
+So Henry will not be able to follow me to Buda Pest because his mother
+is having treatments by Dr. Froyd and she seems to be a much more
+difficult case than I seem to be. I mean it is quite hard for Dr.
+Froyd, because she cannot seem to remember which is a dream and which
+really happened to her. So she tells him everything, and he has to use
+his judgement. I mean when she tells him that a very very handsome
+young gentleman tried to flirt with her on Fifth Avenue, he uses his
+judgement.
+
+So we will soon be at a Ritz hotel again and I must say it will be
+delightful to find a Ritz hotel right in the central of Europe.
+
+
+
+June 1st:
+
+Well yesterday Henrys letter came and it says in black and white that
+he and his mother have never met such a girl as I and he wants me to
+marry him. So I took Henrys letter to the photographers and I had quite
+a lot of photographs taken of it because a girl might lose Henrys
+letter and she would not have anything left to remember him by. But
+Dorothy says to hang on to Henry’s letter, because she really does not
+think the photographs do it justice.
+
+So this afternoon I got a telegram from Henry and the telegram says
+that Henry’s father is very, very ill in New York and they have got to
+leave for New York immediately and his heart is broken not to see me
+again and to send him my answer by telegraph so that his mind will be
+rested while he is going back to New York. So I sent him a telegram and
+I accepted his proposal. So tonight I got another telegram and Henry
+says that he and his mother are very very happy and Henrys mother can
+hardly bear Miss Chapman any more and Henry says he hopes I will decide
+to come right back to New York and keep his mother quite a lot of
+company, because he thinks I can reform Dorothy more in New York
+anyway, where there is prohibition and nobody can get anything to
+drink.
+
+So now I have got to make up my mind whether I really want to marry
+Henry after all. Because I know to much to get married to any gentleman
+like Henry without thinking it all over. Because Henry is the kind of a
+gentleman who gets on a girls nerves quite a lot and when a gentleman
+has nothing else to do but get on a girls nerves, there really seems to
+be a limit to almost everything. Because when a gentleman has a
+business, he has an office and he has to be there, but when a
+gentlemans business is only looking into other peoples business, a
+gentleman is always on the verge of coming in and out of the house. And
+a girl could not really say that her time was her own. And when Henry
+was not in and out of the house, his mother would always be in and out
+of the house because she seems to think that I am so full of nothing
+but sunshine. So it is quite a problem and I seem to be in quite a
+quarandary, because it might really be better if Henry should happen to
+decide that he should not get married, and he should change his mind,
+and desert a girl, and then it would only be right if a girl should sue
+him for a breach of promise.
+
+But I really think, whatever happens, that Dorothy and I had better get
+back to New York. So I will see if Mr. Eisman will send us back. I mean
+I really do not think that Mr. Eisman will mind us going back because
+if he does, I will start shopping again and that always seems to bring
+him to terms. But all the time I am going back to New York, I will have
+to try to make up my mind one way or another. Because we girls really
+can not help it, if we have ideals, and sometimes my mind seems to get
+to running on things that are romantic, and I seem to think that maybe
+there is some place in the world where there is a gentleman who knows
+how to look and act like Count Salm and who has got money besides. And
+when a girls mind gets to thinking about such a romantic thing, a girls
+mind really does not seem to know whether to marry Henry or not.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SIX
+
+BRAINS ARE REALLY EVERYTHING
+
+
+June 14th:
+
+Well, Dorothy and I arrived at New York yesterday because Mr. Eisman
+finally decided to send us home because he said that all of his button
+profession would not stand the strain of educating me much more in
+Europe. So we separated from Mr. Eisman in Buda Pest because Mr. Eisman
+had to go to Berlin to look up all of his starving relatives in Berlin,
+who have done nothing but starve since the War, so he wrote me just
+before we sailed and he said that he had dug up all his starving
+relatives and he had looked them all over, and decided not to bring
+them to America because there was not one of his starving relatives who
+could travel on a railroad ticket without paying excess fare for
+overweight.
+
+So Dorothy and I took the boat and all the way over on the boat I had
+to make up my mind whether I really wanted to marry the famous Henry H.
+Spoffard, or not, because he was waiting for me to arrive at New York
+and he was so impatient that he could hardly wait for me to arrive at
+New York. But I have not wasted all of my time on Henry, even if I do
+not marry him, because I have some letters from Henry which would come
+in very, very handy if I did not marry Henry. So Dorothy seems to agree
+with me quite a lot, because Dorothy says the only thing she could
+stand being to Henry, would be to be his widow at the age of 18.
+
+So coming over on the boat I decided not to bother to meet any
+gentleman, because what good does it do to meet gentlemen when there is
+nothing to do on a boat but go shopping at a little shop where they do
+not have any thing that costs more than five dollars. And besides if I
+did meet any gentleman on the boat, he would want to see me off the
+boat, and then we would bump into Henry. But then I heard that there
+was a gentleman on the boat who was quite a dealer in unset diamonds
+from a town called Amsterdam. So I met the gentleman, and we went
+around together quite a lot, but we had quite a quarrel the night
+before we landed, so I did not even bother to look at him when I came
+down the gangplank, and I put the unset diamonds in my handbag so I did
+not have to declare them at the customs.
+
+So Henry was waiting for me at the customs, because he had come up from
+Pennsylvania to meet me, because their country estate is at
+Pennsylvania, and Henry’s father is very, very ill at Pennsylvania, so
+Henry has to stay there practically all of the time. So all of the
+reporters were at the customs and they all heard about how Henry and I
+were engaged to one another and they wanted to know what I was before I
+became engaged to Henry, so I told them that I was nothing but a
+society girl from Little Rock, Arkansas. So then I became quite angry
+with Dorothy because one of the reporters asked Dorothy when I made my
+debut in society at Little Rock and Dorothy said I made my debut at the
+Elks annual street fair and carnival at the age of 15, I mean Dorothy
+never overlooks any chance to be unrefined, even when she is talking to
+literary gentlemen like reporters.
+
+So Henry brought me to the apartment in his Rolls Royce, and while we
+were coming to the apartment he said he wanted to give me my engagement
+ring and I really became all thrills. So he said that he had gone to
+Cartiers and he had looked over all the engagement rings in Cartiers
+and after he had looked them all over he had decided that they were not
+half good enough for me. So then he took a box out of his pocket and I
+really became intreeged. So then Henry said that when he looked at all
+of those large size diamonds he really felt that they did not have any
+sentiment, so he was going to give me his class ring from Amherst
+College insted. So then I looked at him and looked at him, but I am to
+full of self controle to say anything at this stage of the game, so I
+said it was really very sweet of him to be so full of nothing but
+sentiment.
+
+So then Henry said that he would have to go back to Pennsylvania to
+talk to his father about us getting married, because his father has
+really got his heart set on us not getting married. So I told Henry
+that perhaps if I would meet his father, I would win him over, because
+I always seem to win gentlemen over. But Henry says that that is just
+the trouble, because some girl is always winning his father over, and
+they hardly dare to let him go out of their sight, and they hardly dare
+let him go to church alone. Because the last time he went to church
+alone some girl won him over on the street corner and he arrived back
+home with all of his pocket money gone, and they could not believe him
+when he said that he had put it in the plate, because he has not put
+more than a dime in the plate for the last fifty years.
+
+So it seems that the real reason why his father does not want Henry to
+marry me, is because his father says that Henry always has all of the
+fun, and every time Henry’s father wants to have some fun of his own,
+Henry always stops him and Henry will not even let him be sick at a
+hospital where he could have some fun of his own, but he keeps him at
+home where he has to have a nurse Henry picked out for him who is a
+male nurse. So all of his objections seem to be nothing but the spirit
+of resiprosity. But Henry says that all his objections cannot last much
+longer because he is nearly 90 years of age after all, and Nature must
+take its course sooner or later.
+
+So Dorothy says what a fool I am to waste my time on Henry, when I
+might manage to meet Henry’s father and the whole thing would be over
+in a few months and I would practically own the state of Pennsylvania.
+But I do not think I ought to take Dorothy’s advise because Henry’s
+father is watched like a hawk and Henry himself is his Power of
+Attorney, so no good could really come of it after all. And, after all,
+why should I listen to the advise of a girl like Dorothy who travelled
+all over Europe and all she came home with was a bangle!
+
+So Henry spent the evening at the apartment and then he had to go back
+to Pennsylvania to be there Thursday morning, because every Thursday
+morning he belongs to a society who do nothing but senshure all of the
+photoplays. So they cut out all of the pieces out of all the photoplays
+that show things that are riskay, that people ought not to look at. So
+then they put all of the riskay pieces together and they run them over
+and over again. So it would really be quite a hard thing to drag Henry
+away from one of his Thursday mornings and he can hardly wait from one
+Thursday morning to another. Because he really does not seem to enjoy
+anything so much as senshuring photoplays and after a photoplay has
+once been senshured he seems to lose all of his interest in it.
+
+So after Henry left I held quite a conversation with Lulu, who is my
+maid who looked out for my apartment while I was away. So Lulu really
+thinks I ought to marry Mr. Spoffard after all, because Lulu says that
+she kept studying Mr. Spoffard all of the time she was unpacking my
+trunks, and Lulu says she is sure that any time I feel as if I had to
+get away from Mr. Spoffard I could just set him down on the floor, and
+give him a packet of riskay french postcards to senshure and stay away
+as long as I like.
+
+So Henry is going to arrange for me to come down to Pennsylvania for a
+week-end and meet all of his family. But if all of Henry’s family are
+as full of reforms as Henry seems to be, it will be quite an ordeal
+even for a girl like I.
+
+
+
+June 15th:
+
+Yesterday morning was quite an ordeal for a refined girl because all of
+the newspapers all printed the story of how Henry and I are engaged to
+one another, but they all seemed to leave out the part about me being a
+society girl except one newspaper, and that was the newspaper that
+quoted what Dorothy said about me being a debutant at the Elk’s
+Carnival. So I called up Dorothy at the Ritz and I told Dorothy that a
+girl like she ought to keep her mouth closed in the presents of
+reporters.
+
+So it seems that quite a lot of reporters kept calling Dorothy up but
+Dorothy said she really did not say anything to any of them except one
+reporter asked her what I used for money and she told him buttons. But
+Dorothy really should not have said such a thing, because quite a few
+people seem to know that Mr. Eisman is educating me and that he is
+known all over Chicago as Gus Eisman the Button King, so one thing
+might suggest another until people’s minds might begin to think
+something.
+
+But Dorothy said that she did not say anything more about me being a
+debutant at Little Rock, because after all Dorothy knows that I really
+did not make any debut in Little Rock, because just when it was time to
+make my debut, my gentleman friend Mr. Jennings became shot, and after
+the trial was over and all of the Jury had let me off, I was really
+much to fatigued to make any debut.
+
+So then Dorothy said, why don’t we throw a party now and you can become
+a debutant now and put them all in their place, because it seems that
+Dorothy is dying for a party. So that is really the first sensible
+suggestion that Dorothy has made yet, because I think that every girl
+who is engaged to a gentleman who has a fine old family like Henry, had
+really ought to be a debutant. So I told her to come right over and we
+would plan my debut but we would keep it very, very quiet and give it
+tomorrow night, because if Henry heard I was making my debut he would
+come up from Pennsylvania and he would practically spoil the party,
+because all Henry has to do to spoil a party is to arrive at it.
+
+So Dorothy came over and we planned my debut. So first we decided to
+have some engraved invitations engraved, but it always takes quite a
+little time to have invitations engraved, and it would really be
+foolish because all of the gentlemen we were going to invite to my
+debut were all members of the Racquet Club, so I could just write out a
+notice that I was having a debut and give it to Willie Gwynn and have
+Willie Gwynn post it on the Racquet Club board.
+
+So Willie Gwynn posted it on the club board and then he called me up
+and he told me that he had never seen so much enthusiasm since the
+Dempsey-Firpo fight, and he said that the whole Racquet Club would be
+there in a body. So then we had to plan about what girls we would ask
+to my debut. Because I have not seemed to meet so many society women
+yet because of course a girl does not meet society women until her
+debut is all over, and then all the society women all come and call on
+a debutant. But I know practically all of the society men, because
+practically all of the society men belong to the Racquet club, so after
+I have the Racquet Club at my debut, all I have to do to take my real
+place in society is to meet their mothers and sisters, because I know
+practically all of their sweethearts now.
+
+But I always seem to think that it is delightful to have quite a lot of
+girls at a party, if a girl has quite a lot of gentlemen at a party,
+and it is quite delightful to have all the girls from the Follies, but
+I really could not invite them because, after all, they are not in my
+set. So then I thought it all over and I thought that even if it was
+not etiquette to invite them to a party, it really would be etiquette
+to hire them to come to a party and be entertainers, and after they
+were entertainers they could mix in to the party and it really would
+not be a social error.
+
+So then the telephone rang and Dorothy answered it and it seems that it
+was Joe Sanguinetti, who is almost the official bootlegger for the
+whole Racquet Club, and Joe said he had heard about my debut and if he
+could come to my debut and bring his club which is the Silver Spray
+Social Club of Brooklyn, he would supply all of the liquor and he would
+guarantee to practically run the rum fleet up to the front door.
+
+So Dorothy told him he could come, and she hung up the telephone before
+she told me his proposition, and I became quite angry with Dorothy
+because, after all, the Silver Spray Social Club is not even mentioned
+in the Social Register and it has no place at a girl’s debut. But
+Dorothy said by the time the party got into swing, anyone would have to
+be a genius if he could tell whether he belonged to the Racquet Club,
+the Silver Spray Social Club, or the Knights of Pythias. But I really
+was almost sorry that I asked Dorothy to help plan my debut, except
+that Dorothy is very good to have at a party if the police come in,
+because Dorothy always knows how to manage the police, and I never knew
+a policeman yet who did not finish up by being madly in love with
+Dorothy. So then Dorothy called up all of the reporters on all of the
+newspapers and invited them all to my debut, so they could see it with
+their own eyes.
+
+So Dorothy says that she is going to see to it that my debut lands on
+the front page of all of the newspapers, if we have to commit a murder
+to do it.
+
+
+
+June 19th:
+
+Well, it has been three days since my debut party started but I finally
+got tired and left the party last night and went to bed because I
+always seem to lose all of my interest in a party after a few days, but
+Dorothy never loses her interest in a party and when I woke up this
+morning Dorothy was just saying goodbye to some of the guests. I mean
+Dorothy seems to have quite a lot of vitality, because the last guests
+of the party were guests we picked up when the party went to take a
+swim at Long Beach the day before yesterday, and they were practically
+fresh, but Dorothy had gone clear through the party from beginning to
+end without even stopping to go to a Turkish bath as most of the
+gentlemen had to do. So my debut has really been very novel, because
+quite a lot of the guests who finished up at my debut were not the same
+guests that started out at it, and it is really quite novel for a girl
+to have so many different kinds of gentlemen at her debut. So it has
+really been a very great success because all of the newspapers have
+quite a lot of write-ups about my debut and I really felt quite proud
+when I saw the front page of the Daily Views and it said in large size
+headlines, “LORELEI’S DEBUT A WOW!” And Zits’ Weekly came right out and
+said that if this party marks my entrance into society, they only hope
+that they can live to see what I will spring once I have overcome my
+debutant reserve and taken my place in the world.
+
+So I really had to apologise to Dorothy about asking Joe Sanguinetti to
+my debut because it was wonderful the way he got all of the liquor to
+the party and he more than kept his word. I mean he had his bootleggers
+run up from the wharf in taxis, right to the apartment, and the only
+trouble he had was, that once the bootleggers delivered the liquor, he
+could not get them to leave the party. So finally there was quite a
+little quarrel because Willie Gwynn claimed that Joe’s bootleggers were
+snubbing the members of his club because they would not let the boys
+from the Racquet club sing in their quartet. But Joe’s bootleggers said
+that the Racquet club boys wanted to sing songs that were unrefined,
+while they wanted to sing songs about Mother. So then everybody started
+to take sides, but the girls from the Follies were all with Joe’s
+bootleggers from the start because practically all we girls were
+listening to them with tears steaming from our eyes. So that made the
+Racquet club jealous and one thing led to another until somebody rang
+for an ambulants and then the police came in.
+
+So Dorothy, as usual, won over all of the police. So it seems that the
+police all have orders from Judge Schultzmeyer, who is the famous judge
+who tries all of the prohibition cases, that any time they break into a
+party that looks like it was going to be a good party, to call him up
+no matter what time of the day or night it is, because Judge
+Schultzmeyer dearly loves a party. So the Police called up Judge
+Schultzmeyer and he was down in less than no time. So during the party
+both Joe Sanguinetti and Judge Schultzmeyer fell madly in love with
+Dorothy. So Joe and the Judge had quite a little quarrel and the Judge
+told Joe that if his stuff was fit to drink he would set the Law after
+him and confiscate it, but his stuff was not worth the while of any
+gentleman to confiscate who had any respect for his stomach, and he
+would not lower himself to confiscate it. So along about nine o’clock
+in the morning Judge Schultzmeyer had to leave the party and go to
+court to try all of the criminals who break all of the laws, so he had
+to leave Dorothy and Joe together and he was very very angry. And I
+really felt quite sorry for any person who went up before Judge
+Schultzmeyer that morning, because he gave everybody 90 days and was
+back at the party by twelve o’clock. So then he stuck to the party
+until we were all going down to Long Beach to take a swim day before
+yesterday when he seemed to become unconscious, so we dropped him off
+at a sanitorium in Garden City.
+
+So my debut party was really the greatest success of the social season,
+because the second night of my debut party was the night when Willie
+Gwynn’s sister was having a dance at the Gwynn estate on Long Island,
+and Willie Gwynn said that all of the eligible gentlemen in New York
+were conspicuous by their absents at his sister’s party, because they
+were all at my party. So it seems as if I am really going to be quite a
+famous hostess if I can just bring my mind to the point of being Mrs.
+Henry Spoffard Jr.
+
+Well Henry called up this morning and Henry said he had finally got his
+father’s mind so that he thought it was safe for me to meet him and he
+was coming up to get me this afternoon so that I can meet his family
+and see his famous old historical home at Pennsylvania. So then he
+asked about my debut party which some of the Philadelphia papers seemed
+to mention. But I told him that my debut was really not so much
+planned, as it was spontaneous, and I did not have the heart to call
+him up at a moments notice and take him away from his father at such a
+time for reasons which were nothing but social.
+
+So now I am getting ready to visit Henry’s family and I feel as if my
+whole future depends on it. Because if I can not stand Henry’s family
+any more than I can stand Henry the whole thing will probly come to an
+end in the law court.
+
+
+
+June 21st:
+
+Well, I am now spending the weekend with Henry’s family at his old
+family mansion outside of Philadelphia, and I am beginning to think,
+after all, that there is something else in the world besides family.
+And I am beginning to think that family life is only fit for those who
+can stand it. For instants, they always seem to get up very early in
+Henry’s family. I mean it really is not so bad to get up early when
+there is something to get up early about, but when a girl gets up early
+and there is nothing to get up early about, it really begins to seem as
+if there was no sense to it.
+
+So yesterday we all got up early and that was when I met all of Henry’s
+family, because Henry and I motored down to Pennsylvania and everybody
+was in bed when we arrived because it was after nine o’clock. So in the
+morning Henry’s mother came to my room to get me up in time for
+breakfast because Henry’s mother is very very fond of me, and she
+always wants to copy all of my gowns and she always loves to look
+through all of my things to see what I have got. So she found a box of
+liqueur candies that are full of liqueurs and she was really very
+delighted. So I finally got dressed and she threw the empty box away
+and I helped her down stairs to the Dining room.
+
+So Henry was waiting in the dining room with his sister and that was
+when I met his sister. So it seems that Henry’s sister has never been
+the same since the war, because she never had on a man’s collar and a
+necktie until she drove an ambulants in the war, and now they cannot
+get her to take them off. Because ever since the armistice Henry’s
+sister seems to have the idea that regular womens clothes are
+effiminate. So Henry’s sister seems to think of nothing but either
+horses or automobiles and when she is not in a garage the only other
+place she is happy in is a stable. I mean she really pays very little
+attention to all of her family and she seems to pay less attention to
+Henry than anybody else because she seems to have the idea that Henry’s
+brains are not so viril. So then we all waited for Henry’s father to
+come in so that he could read the Bible out loud before breakfast.
+
+So then something happened that really was a miracle. Because it seems
+that Henry’s father has practically lived in a wheel chair for months
+and months and his male nurse has to wheel him everywhere. So his male
+nurse wheeled him into the dining room in his wheel chair and then
+Henry said “Father, this is going to be your little daughter in law,”
+and Henry’s father took one good look at me and got right out of his
+wheel chair and walked! So then everybody was very very surprised, but
+Henry was not so surprised because Henry knows his father like a book.
+So then they all tried to calm his father down, and his father tried to
+read out of the Bible but he could hardly keep his mind on the Bible
+and he could hardly eat a bite because when a gentleman is as feeble as
+Henry’s father is, he cannot keep one eye on a girl and the other eye
+on his cereal and cream without coming to grief. So Henry finally
+became quite discouradged and he told his father he would have to get
+back to his room or he would have a relapse. So then the male nurse
+wheeled him back to his room and it really was pathetic because he
+cried like a baby. So I got to thinking over what Dorothy advised me
+about Henry’s father and I really got to thinking that if Henry’s
+father could only get away from everybody and have some time of his
+own, Dorothy’s advise might not be so bad after all.
+
+So after breakfast we all got ready to go to church, but Henry’s sister
+does not go to church because Henry’s sister always likes to spend
+every Sunday in the garage taking their Ford farm truck apart and
+putting it back together again, and Henry says that what the war did to
+a girl like his sister is really worse than the war itself.
+
+So then Henry and his mother and I all went to church. So we came home
+from church and we had luncheon and it seems that luncheon is
+practically the same as breakfast except that Henry’s father could not
+come down to luncheon because after he met me he contracted such a
+vialent fever that they had to send for the Doctor.
+
+So in the afternoon Henry went to prayer meeting and I was left alone
+with Henry’s mother so that we could rest up so that we could go to
+church again after supper. So Henry’s mother thinks I am nothing but
+sunshine and she will hardly let me get out of her sight, because she
+hates to be by herself because, when she is by herself, her brains
+hardly seem to work at all. So she loves to try on all of my hats and
+she loves to tell me how all the boys in the choir can hardly keep
+their eyes off her. So of course a girl has to agree with her, and it
+is quite difficult to agree with a person when you have to do it
+through an ear trumpet because sooner or later your voice has to give
+out.
+
+So then supper turned out to be practically the same thing as luncheon
+only by supper time all of the novelty seemed to wear off. So then I
+told Henry that I had to much of a headache to go to church again, so
+Henry and his mother went to church and I went to my room and I sat
+down and thought and I decided that life was really to short to spend
+it in being proud of your family, even if they did have a great deal of
+money. So the best thing for me to do is to think up some scheme to
+make Henry decide not to marry me and take what I can get out of it and
+be satisfied.
+
+
+
+June 22nd:
+
+Well, yesterday I made Henry put me on the train at Philadelphia and I
+made him stay at Philadelphia so he could be near his father if his
+father seemed to take any more relapses. So I sat in my drawing room on
+the train and I decided that the time had come to get rid of Henry at
+any cost. So I decided that the thing that discouradges gentlemen more
+than anything else is shopping. Because even Mr. Eisman, who was
+practically born for we girls to shop on, and who knows just what to
+expect, often gets quite discouradged over all of my shopping. So I
+decided I would get to New York and I would go to Cartiers and run up
+quite a large size bill on Henry’s credit, because after all our
+engagement has been announced in all of the newspapers, and Henry’s
+credit is really my credit.
+
+So while I was thinking it all over there was a knock on the drawing
+room door, so I told him to come in and it was a gentleman who said he
+had seen me quite a lot in New York and he had always wanted to have an
+introduction to me, because we had quite a lot of friends who were
+common. So then he gave me his card and his name was on his card and it
+was Mr. Gilbertson Montrose and his profession is a senario writer. So
+then I asked him to sit down and we held a literary conversation.
+
+So I really feel as if yesterday was a turning point in my life,
+because at last I have met a gentleman who is not only an artist but
+who has got brains besides. I mean he is the kind of a gentleman that a
+girl could sit at his feet and listen to for days and days and nearly
+always learn something or other. Because, after all, there is nothing
+that gives a girl more of a thrill than brains in a gentleman,
+especially after a girl has been spending the week end with Henry. So
+Mr. Montrose talked and talked all of the way to New York and I sat
+there and did nothing else but listen. So according to Mr. Montrose’s
+opinion Shakespear is a very great playwrite, and he thinks that Hamlet
+is quite a famous tragedy and as far as novels are concerned he
+believes that nearly everybody had ought to read Dickens. And when we
+got on the subject of poetry he recited “The Shooting of Dan McGrew”
+until you could almost hear the gun go off.
+
+And then I asked Mr. Montrose to tell me all about himself. So it seems
+that Mr. Montrose was on his way home from Washington D. C., where he
+went to see the Bulgarian Ambassadore to see if he could get Bulgaria
+to finance a senario he has written which is a great historical subject
+which is founded on the sex life of Dolly Madison. So it seems that Mr.
+Montrose has met quite a lot of Bulgarians in a Bulgarian restaurant on
+Lexington Avenue and that was what gave him the idea to get the money
+from Bulgaria. Because Mr. Montrose said that he could fill his senario
+full of Bulgarian propoganda, and he told the Bulgarian Ambassadore
+that every time he realised how ignorant all of the American film fans
+were on the subject of Bulgaria, it made him flinch.
+
+So I told Mr. Montrose that it made me feel very very small to talk to
+a gentleman like he, who knew so much about Bulgaria, because
+practically all I knew about Bulgaria was Zoolack. So Mr. Montrose said
+that the Bulgarian Ambassadore did not seem to think that Dolly Madison
+had so much about her that was pertinent to present day Bulgaria, but
+Mr. Montrose explained to him that that was because he knew practically
+nothing about dramatic construction. Because Mr. Montrose said he could
+fix his senario so that Dolly Madison would have one lover who was a
+Bulgarian, who wanted to marry her. So then Dolly Madison would get to
+wondering what her great, great grandchildren would be like if she
+married a Bulgarian, and then she could sit down and have a vision of
+Bulgaria in 1925. So that was when Mr. Montrose would take a trip to
+Bulgaria to photograph the vision. But the Bulgarian Ambassadore turned
+down the whole proposition, but he gave Mr. Montrose quite a large size
+bottle of the Bulgarian national drink. So the Bulgarian national drink
+looks like nothing so much as water, and it really does not taste so
+strong, but about five minutes afterwards you begin to realise your
+mistake. But I thought to myself that if realizing my mistake could
+make me forget what I went through in Pennsylvania, I really owed it to
+myself to forget everything. So then we had another drink.
+
+So then Mr. Montrose told me that he had quite a hard time getting
+along in the motion picture profession, because all of his senarios are
+all over their head. Because when Mr. Montrose writes about sex, it is
+full of sychology, but when everybody else writes about it, it is full
+of nothing but transparent negligays and ornamental bath tubs. And Mr.
+Montrose says that there is no future in the motion pictures until the
+motion pictures get their sex motives straightened out, and realize
+that a woman of 25 can have just as many sex problems as a flapper of
+16. Because Mr. Montrose likes to write about women of the world, and
+he refuses to have women of the world played by small size girls of 15
+who know nothing about life and who have not even been in the detention
+home.
+
+So we both arrived in New York before we realized it, and I got to
+thinking how the same trip with Henry in his Rolls Royce seemed like
+about 24 hours, and that was what gave me the idea that money was not
+everything, because after all, it is only brains that count. So Mr.
+Montrose took me home and we are going to have luncheon together at the
+Primrose Tea room practically every day and keep right on holding
+literary conversations.
+
+So then I had to figure out how to get rid of Henry and at the same
+time not do anything that would make me any trouble later. So I sent
+for Dorothy because Dorothy is not so good at intreeging a gentleman
+with money, but she ought to be full of ideas on how to get rid of one.
+
+So at first Dorothy said, Why didn’t I take a chance and marry Henry
+because she had an idea that if Henry married me he would commit
+suicide about two weeks later. But I told her about my plan to do quite
+a lot of shopping, and I told her that I would send for Henry and I
+would manage it so that I would not be in the apartment when he came,
+but she could be there and start a conversation with him and she could
+tell him about all of my shopping and how extravagant I seemed to be
+and he would be in the poor house in less than a year if he married me.
+
+So Dorothy said for me to take one farewell look at Henry and leave him
+to her, because the next time I saw him would be in the witness box and
+I might not even recognize him because she would throw a scare into him
+that might change his whole physical appearance. So I decided to leave
+him in the hands of Dorothy and hope for the best.
+
+
+
+July 10th:
+
+Well, last month was really almost a diary in itself, and I have to
+begin to realize that I am one of the kind of girls that things happen
+to. And I have to admit, after all, that life is really wonderful.
+Because so much has happened in the last few weeks that it almost makes
+a girl’s brains whirl.
+
+I mean in the first place I went shopping at Cartiers and bought quite
+a delightful square cut emerald and quite a long rope of pearls on
+Henry’s credit. So then I called up Henry on the long distants
+telephone and told him that I wanted to see him quite a lot, so he was
+very very pleased and he said that he would come right up to New York.
+
+So then I told Dorothy to come to the apartment and be there when Henry
+came, and to show Henry what I bought on his credit, and to tell him
+how extravagant I seem to be, and how I seem to keep on getting worse.
+So I told Dorothy to go as far as she liked, so long as she did not
+insinuate anything against my character, because the more spotless my
+character seems to be, the better things might turn out later. So Henry
+was due at the apartment about 1.20, so I had Lulu get some luncheon
+for he and Dorothy and I told Dorothy to tell him that I had gone out
+to look at the Russian Crown Jewels that some Russian Grand Duchess or
+other had for sale at the Ritz.
+
+So then I went to the Primrose Tea Room to have luncheon with Mr.
+Montrose because Mr. Montrose loves to tell me of all his plans, and he
+says that I seem to remind him quite a lot of a girl called Madame
+Recamier who all the intelectual gentlemen used to tell all of their
+plans to, even when there was a French revolution going on all around
+them.
+
+So Mr. Montrose and I had a delicious luncheon, except that I never
+seem to notice what I am eating when I am with Mr. Montrose because
+when Mr. Montrose talks a girl wants to do nothing but listen. But all
+of the time I was listening, I was thinking about Dorothy and I was
+worrying for fear Dorothy would go to far, and tell Henry something
+that would not be so good for me afterwards. So finally even Mr.
+Montrose seemed to notice it, and he said “What’s the matter little
+woman, a penny for your thoughts.”
+
+So then I told him everything. So he seemed to think quite a lot and
+finally he said to me “It is really to bad that you feel as if the
+social life of Mr. Spoffard bored you, because Mr. Spoffard would be
+ideal to finance my senario.” So then Mr. Montrose said that he had
+been thinking from the very first how ideal I would be to play Dolly
+Madison. So that started me thinking and I told Mr. Montrose that I
+expected to have quite a large size ammount of money later on, and I
+would finance it myself. But Mr. Montrose said that would be to late,
+because all of the motion picture corporations were after it now, and
+it would be snaped up almost immediately.
+
+So then I became almost in a panick, because I suddenly decided that if
+I married Henry and worked in the motion pictures at the same time,
+society life with Henry would not really be so bad. Because if a girl
+was so busy as all that, it really would not seem to matter so much if
+she had to stand Henry when she was not busy. But then I realized what
+Dorothy was up to, and I told Mr. Montrose that I was almost afraid it
+was to late. So I hurried to the telephone and I called up Dorothy at
+the apartment and I asked her what she had said to Henry. So Dorothy
+said that she showed him the square cut emerald and told him that I
+bought it as a knick-knack to go with a green dress, but I had got a
+spot on the dress, so I was going to give them both to Lulu. So she
+said she showed him the pearls and she said that after I had bought
+them, I was sorry I did not get pink ones because white ones were so
+common, so I was going to have Lulu unstring them and sew them on a
+negligay. So then she told him she was rather sorry I meant to buy the
+Russian Crown jewels because she had a feeling they were unlucky, but
+that I had said to her, that if I found out they were, I could toss
+them over my left shoulder into the Hudson river some night when there
+was a new moon, and it would take away the curse.
+
+So then she said that Henry began to get restless. So then she told him
+she was very glad I was going to get married at last because I had had
+such bad luck, that every time I became engaged something seemed to
+happen to my fiance. So Henry asked her what, for instance. So Dorothy
+said a couple were in the insane asylum, one had shot himself for debt,
+and the county farm was taking care of the remainder. So Henry asked
+her how they got that way. So Dorothy told him it was nothing but my
+extravagants, and she told him that she was surprised that he had never
+heard about it, because all I had to do was to take luncheon at the
+Ritz with some prominent broker and the next day the bottom would drop
+out of the market. And she told him that she did not want to insinuate
+anything, but that I had dined with a very, very prominent German the
+day before German marks started to colapse.
+
+So I became almost frantic and I told Dorothy to hold Henry at the
+apartment until I could get up there and explain. So I held the
+telephone while Dorothy went to see if Henry would wait. So Dorothy
+came back in a minute and she said that the parlor was empty, but that
+if I would hurry down to Broadway no doubt I would see a cloud of dust
+heading towards the Pennsylvania station, and that would be Henry.
+
+So then I went back to Mr. Montrose, and I told him that I must catch
+Henry at the Pennsylvania Station at any cost. And if anyone were to
+say that we left the Primrose tea room in a hurry, they would be
+putting it quite mildly. So we got to the Pennsylvania station and I
+just had time to get on board the train to Philadelphia and I left Mr.
+Montrose standing at the train biting his finger nails in all of his
+anxiety. But I called out to him to go to his Hotel and I would
+telephone the result as soon as the train arrived.
+
+So then I went through the train, and there was Henry with a look on
+his face which I shall never forget. So when he saw me he really seemed
+to shrink to ½ his natural size. So I sat down beside him and I told
+him that I was really ashamed of how he acted, and if his love for me
+could not stand a little test that I and Dorothy had thought up, more
+in the spirit of fun than anything else, I never wanted to speak to
+such a gentleman again. And I told him that if he could not tell the
+difference between a real square cut emerald and one from the ten cent
+store, that he had ought to be ashamed of himself. And I told him that
+if he thought that every string of white beads were pearls, it was no
+wonder he could make such a mistake in judging the character of a girl.
+So then I began to cry because of all of Henry’s lack of faith. So then
+he tried to cheer me up but I was to hurt to even give him a decent
+word until we were past Newark. But by the time we were past Newark,
+Henry was crying himself, and it always makes me feel so tender hearted
+to listen to a gentleman cry that I finally forgave him. So, of course,
+as soon as I got home I had to take them back to Cartiers.
+
+So then I explained to Henry how I wanted our life to mean something
+and I wanted to make the World a better place than it seemed to have
+been yet. And I told him that he knew so much about the film profession
+on account of senshuring all of the films that I thought he had ought
+to go into the film profession. Because I told him that a gentleman
+like he really owed it to the world to make pure films so that he could
+be an example to all of the other film corporations and show the world
+what pure films were like. So Henry became very, very intreeged because
+he had never thought of the film profession before. So then I told him
+that we could get H. Gilbertson Montrose to write the senarios, and he
+to senshure them, and I could act in them and by the time we all got
+through, they would be a work of art. But they would even be purer than
+most works of art seem to be. So by the time we got to Philadelphia
+Henry said that he would do it, but he really did not think I had ought
+to act in them. But I told him from what I had seen of society women
+trying to break into the films, I did not believe that it would be so
+declasée if one of them really landed. So I even talked him into that.
+
+So when we got to Henry’s country estate, we told all of Henry’s family
+and they were all delighted. Because it is the first time since the war
+that Henry’s family have had anything definite to put their minds on. I
+mean Henry’s sister really jumped at the idea because she said she
+would take charge of the studio trucks and keep them at a bed-rock
+figure. So I even promised Henry’s mother that she could act in the
+films. I mean I even believe that we could put in a close-up of her
+from time to time, because after all, nearly every photoplay has to
+have some comedy relief. And I promised Henry’s father that we would
+wheel him through the studio and let him look at all of the actresses
+and he nearly had another relapse. So then I called up Mr. Montrose and
+made an appointment with him to meet Henry and talk it all over, and
+Mr. Montrose, said, “Bless you, little woman.”
+
+So I am almost beginning to believe it, when everybody says I am
+nothing but sunshine because everybody I come into contract with always
+seems to become happy. I mean with the exception of Mr. Eisman. Because
+when I got back to New York, I opened all of his cablegrams and I
+realized that he was due to arrive on the Aquitania the very next day.
+So I met him at the Aquitania and I took him to luncheon at the Ritz
+and I told him all about everything. So then he became very, very
+depressed because he said that just as soon as he had got me all
+educated, I had to go off and get married. But I told him that he
+really ought to be very proud of me, because in the future, when he
+would see me at luncheon at the Ritz as the wife of the famous Henry H.
+Spoffard, I would always bow to him, if I saw him, and he could point
+me out to all of his friends and tell them that it was he, Gus Eisman
+himself, who educated me up to my station. So that cheered Mr. Eisman
+up a lot and I really do not care what he says to his friends, because,
+after all, his friends are not in my set, and whatever he says to them
+will not get around in my circle. So after our luncheon was all over, I
+really think that, even if Mr. Eisman was not so happy, he could not
+help having a sort of a feeling of relief, especially when he thinks of
+all my shopping.
+
+So after that came my wedding and all of the Society people in New York
+and Philadelphia came to my wedding and they were all so sweet to me,
+because practically every one of them has written a senario. And
+everybody says my wedding was very, very beautiful. I mean even Dorothy
+said it was very beautiful, only Dorothy said she had to concentrate
+her mind on the massacre of the Armenians to keep herself from laughing
+right out loud in everybody’s face. But that only shows that not even
+Matrimony is sacred to a girl like Dorothy. And after the wedding was
+over, I overheard Dorothy talking to Mr. Montrose and she was telling
+Mr. Montrose that she thought that I would be great in the movies if he
+would write me a part that only had three expressions, Joy, Sorrow, and
+Indigestion. So I do not really believe that Dorothy is such a true
+friend after all.
+
+So Henry and I did not go on any honeymoon because I told Henry that it
+really would be selfish for us to go off alone together, when all of
+our activities seemed to need us so much. Because, after all, I have to
+spend quite a lot of time with Mr. Montrose going over the senario
+together because, Mr. Montrose says I am full of nothing so much as
+ideas.
+
+So, in order to give Henry something to do while Mr. Montrose and I are
+working on the senario I got Henry to organize a Welfare League among
+all of the extra girls and get them to tell him all of their problems
+so he can give them all of his spiritual aid. And it has really been a
+very, very great success, because there is not much work going on at
+the other studios at present so all of the extra girls have nothing
+better to do and they all know that Henry will not give them a job at
+our studio unless they belong. So the worse they tell Henry they have
+been before they met him, the better he likes it and Dorothy says that
+she was at the studio yesterday and she says that if the senarios those
+extra girls have written around themselves to tell Henry could only be
+screened and gotten past the sensors, the movies would move right up
+out of their infancy.
+
+So Henry says that I have opened up a whole new world for him and he
+has never been so happy in his life. And it really seems as if everyone
+I know has never been so happy in their lives. Because I make Henry let
+his father come to the studio every day because, after all, every
+studio has to have somebody who seems to be a pest, and in our case it
+might just as well be Henry’s father. So I have given orders to all of
+the electricians not to drop any lights on him, but to let him have a
+good time because, after all, it is the first one he has had. And as
+far as Henry’s mother is concerned, she is having her hair bobbed and
+her face lifted and getting ready to play Carmen because she saw a girl
+called Madam Calve play it when she was on her honeymoon and she has
+always really felt that she could do it better. So I do not discouradge
+her, but I let her go ahead and enjoy herself. But I am not going to
+bother to speak to the electricians about Henry’s mother. And Henry’s
+sister has never been so happy since the Battle of Verdun, because she
+has six trucks and 15 horses to look after and she says that the motion
+picture profession is the nearest thing to war that she has struck
+since the Armistice. And even Dorothy is very happy because Dorothy
+says that she has had more laughs this month than Eddie Cantor gets in
+a year. But when it comes to Mr. Montrose, I really believe that he is
+happier than anybody else, because of all of the understanding and
+sympathy he seems to get out of me.
+
+And so I am very happy myself because, after all, the greatest thing in
+life is to always be making everybody else happy. And so, while
+everybody is so happy, I really think it is a good time to finish my
+diary because after all, I am to busy going over my senarios with Mr.
+Montrose, to keep up any other kind of literary work. And I am so busy
+bringing sunshine into the life of Henry that I really think, with
+everything else I seem to acomplish, it is all a girl had ought to try
+to do. And so I really think that I can say good-bye to my diary
+feeling that, after all, everything always turns out for the best.
+
+
+
+                                  THE END
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK "GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES" ***
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+<div style='text-align:center; font-size:1.2em; font-weight:bold'>The Project Gutenberg eBook of "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes", by Anita Loos</div>
+
+<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and
+most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
+whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms
+of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online
+at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you
+are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the
+country where you are located before using this eBook.
+</div>
+
+<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"</p>
+<p style='display:block; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:0;'>The Illuminating Diary of a Professional Lady</p>
+
+<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Anita Loos</div>
+
+<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: November 27, 2021 [eBook #66829]</div>
+
+<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div>
+
+<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Character set encoding: UTF-8</div>
+
+<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: Jeroen Hellingman and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.)</div>
+
+<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK "GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES" ***</div>
+<div class="front">
+<div class="div1 cover"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divBody">
+<p class="first"></p>
+<div class="figure cover-imagewidth"><img src="images/cover.jpg" alt="Original Front Cover." width="492" height="720"></div><p>
+</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div class="div1 frenchtitle"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divBody">
+<p class="first xd31e95">“<i>Gentlemen Prefer Blondes</i>”
+</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div class="div1 frontispiece"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divBody">
+<p class="first"></p>
+<div class="figure frontispiecewidth"><img src="images/frontispiece.jpg" alt="“Kissing your hand may make you feel very good but a diamond bracelet lasts forever.”" width="369" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>Kissing your hand may make you feel very good but a diamond bracelet lasts forever.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div class="div1 titlepage"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divBody">
+<p class="first"></p>
+<div class="figure titlepage-imagewidth"><img src="images/titlepage.png" alt="Original Title Page." width="420" height="720"></div><p>
+</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div class="titlePage">
+<div class="docTitle">
+<div class="mainTitle">“<i>Gentlemen Prefer Blondes</i>”</div>
+<div class="subTitle"><i>The Illuminating Diary of a Professional Lady</i></div>
+</div>
+<div class="byline"><i>By</i><br>
+<span class="docAuthor">Anita Loos</span>
+<br>
+<i>Intimately Illustrated by</i><br>
+<span class="docAuthor">RALPH BARTON</span></div>
+<div class="docImprint"><i>NEW YORK</i><br>
+BONI &amp; LIVERIGHT<br>
+<span class="docDate">1925</span></div>
+</div>
+<p></p>
+<div class="div1 copyright"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divBody">
+<p class="first xd31e143"><i>Copyright, 1925, by</i><br>
+<span class="sc">The International Magazine Co., Inc.</span><br>
+(<span class="sc">Harper’s <span class="sic">Bazar</span></span>)
+</p>
+<p class="xd31e143"><i>Copyright, 1925, by</i> <span class="sc">Anita Loos</span>
+</p>
+<p class="xd31e143"><i>Printed in the United States of America</i>
+</p>
+<div class="table">
+<table>
+<tr>
+<td class="cellLeft cellTop">First printing, November, </td>
+<td class="cellRight cellTop">1925</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="cellLeft">Second printing, November, </td>
+<td class="cellRight">1925</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="cellLeft">Third printing, December, </td>
+<td class="cellRight">1925</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="cellLeft">Fourth printing, December, </td>
+<td class="cellRight">1925</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="cellLeft">Fifth printing, January, </td>
+<td class="cellRight">1926</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="cellLeft">Sixth printing, January, </td>
+<td class="cellRight">1926</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="cellLeft">Seventh printing, January, </td>
+<td class="cellRight">1926</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="cellLeft">Eighth printing, February, </td>
+<td class="cellRight">1926</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="cellLeft">Ninth printing, March, </td>
+<td class="cellRight">1926</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="cellLeft">Tenth printing, March, </td>
+<td class="cellRight">1926</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="cellLeft">Eleventh printing, April, </td>
+<td class="cellRight">1926</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="cellLeft cellBottom">Twelfth printing, April, </td>
+<td class="cellRight cellBottom">1926</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div class="div1 dedication"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divBody">
+<p class="first xd31e229">To<br>
+JOHN EMERSON
+</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div id="toc" class="div1 contents"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divHead">
+<h2 class="main">CONTENTS</h2>
+<table class="tocList">
+<tr>
+<td class="tocDivNum">CHAPTER</td>
+<td class="tocDivTitle" colspan="7">
+</td>
+<td class="tocPageNum">PAGE</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tocDivNum">I.</td>
+<td class="tocDivTitle" colspan="7"> <span class="sc"><a href="#ch1" id="xd31e249">Gentlemen Prefer Blondes</a></span> </td>
+<td class="tocPageNum">11</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tocDivNum">II.</td>
+<td class="tocDivTitle" colspan="7"> <span class="sc"><a href="#ch2" id="xd31e259">Fate Keeps on Happening</a></span> </td>
+<td class="tocPageNum">39</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tocDivNum">III.</td>
+<td class="tocDivTitle" colspan="7"> <span class="sc"><a href="#ch3" id="xd31e269">London Is Really Nothing</a></span> </td>
+<td class="tocPageNum">63</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tocDivNum">IV.</td>
+<td class="tocDivTitle" colspan="7"> <span class="sc"><a href="#ch4" id="xd31e279">Paris Is Devine</a></span> </td>
+<td class="tocPageNum">93</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tocDivNum">V.</td>
+<td class="tocDivTitle" colspan="7"> <span class="sc"><a href="#ch5" id="xd31e289">The Central of Europe</a></span> </td>
+<td class="tocPageNum">131</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tocDivNum">VI.</td>
+<td class="tocDivTitle" colspan="7"> <span class="sc"><a href="#ch6" id="xd31e299">Brains Are Really Everything</a></span> </td>
+<td class="tocPageNum">175</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<p><span class="pageNum" id="pb11">[<a href="#pb11">11</a>]</span></p>
+</div>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div class="body">
+<div id="ch1" class="div1 chapter"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#xd31e249">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divHead">
+<h2 class="super">GENTLEMEN<br>
+PREFER BLONDES</h2>
+<h2 class="label">CHAPTER ONE</h2>
+<h2 class="main">GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES</h2>
+</div>
+<div class="divBody">
+<p class="first dateentry"><i>March 16th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>A gentleman friend and I were dining at the Ritz last evening and he said that if
+I took a pencil and a paper and put down all of my thoughts it would make a book.
+This almost made me smile as what it would really make would be a whole row of <span class="sic" title="Correction: encyclopedias">encyclopediacs</span>. I mean I seem to be thinking practically all of the time. I mean it is my favorite
+recreation and sometimes I sit for hours and do not seem to do anything else but think.
+So this gentleman said a girl with brains ought to do something else with them besides
+think. And he said he ought to know brains when he sees them, because he is in the
+senate and he spends quite a great deal of time in Washington, <span class="sic" title="Correction: D.C.">d. c.</span>, and when he comes into <span class="sic" title="Correction: contact">contract</span> with <span class="pageNum" id="pb12">[<a href="#pb12">12</a>]</span>brains he always notices it. So it might have all blown over but this morning he sent
+me a book. And so when my maid brought it to me, I said to her, “Well, Lulu, here
+is another book and we have not read half the ones we have got yet.” But when I opened
+it and saw that it was all a blank I remembered what my gentleman acquaintance said,
+and so then I realized that it was a diary. So here I am writing a book instead of
+reading one.
+</p>
+<p>But now it is the 16th of March and of course it is <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> late to begin with January, but it does not matter as my gentleman friend, Mr. Eisman,
+was in town practically all of January and February, and when he is in town one day
+seems to be practically the same as the next day.
+</p>
+<p>I mean Mr. Eisman is in the wholesale button profession in Chicago and he is the gentleman
+who is known practically all over Chicago as Gus Eisman the Button King. And he is
+the gentleman who is interested in educating me, so of course he is always coming
+down to New York to see how my brains have improved since the last time. But when
+Mr. Eisman is in New York we always seem to do the same thing and if I wrote down
+one <span class="pageNum" id="pb13">[<a href="#pb13">13</a>]</span>day in my diary, all I would have to do would be to put quotation marks for all other
+days. I mean we always seem to have dinner at the Colony and see a show and go to
+the Trocadero and then Mr. Eisman shows me to my apartment. So of course when a gentleman
+is interested in educating a girl, he likes to stay and talk about the topics of the
+day until quite late, so I am quite fatigued the next day and I do not really get
+up until it is time to dress for dinner at the Colony.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure floatRight p013width"><img src="images/p013.jpg" alt="“It would be strange if I turn out to be an authoress.”" width="280" height="537"><p class="figureHead">“<i>It would be strange if I turn out to be an authoress.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>It would be strange if I turn out to be an authoress. I mean at my home near Little
+Rock, Arkansas, my family all wanted me to do something about my music. Because all
+of my friends said I had talent and they all kept after me and kept after me about
+practising. <span class="pageNum" id="pb14">[<a href="#pb14">14</a>]</span>But some way I never seemed to care so much about practising. I mean I simply could
+not sit for hours and hours at a time practising just for the sake of a career. So
+one day I got quite tempermental and threw the old mandolin clear across the room
+and I have really never touched it since. But writing is different because you do
+not have to learn or practise and it is more <span class="sic" title="Correction: temperamental">tempermental</span> because practising seems to take all the <span class="sic" title="Correction: temperament">temperment</span> out of me. So now I really almost have to smile because I have just noticed that
+I have written clear across two pages onto March 18th, so this will do for today and
+tomorrow. And it just shows how tempermental I am when I get started.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>March 19th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well last evening Dorothy called up and Dorothy said she has met a gentleman who gave
+himself an introduction to her in the lobby of the Ritz. So then they went to luncheon
+and tea and dinner and then they went to a show and then they went to the Trocadero.
+So Dorothy said his name was Lord Cooksleigh but what she really calls him is Coocoo.
+So Dorothy said why don’t you <span class="pageNum" id="pb15">[<a href="#pb15">15</a>]</span>and I and Coocoo go to the Follies tonight and bring Gus along if he is in town? So
+then Dorothy and I had quite a little quarrel because every time that Dorothy mentions
+the subject of Mr. Eisman she calls Mr. Eisman by his first name, and she does not
+seem to realize that when a gentleman who is as important as Mr. Eisman, spends quite
+a lot of money educating a girl, it really does not show reverance to call a gentleman
+by his first name. I mean I never even think of calling Mr. Eisman by his first name,
+but if I want to call him anything at all, I call him “Daddy” and I do not even call
+him “Daddy” if a place seems to be public. So I told Dorothy that Mr. Eisman would
+not be in town until day after tomorrow. So then Dorothy and Coocoo came up and we
+went to the Follies.
+</p>
+<p>So this morning Coocoo called up and he wanted me to luncheon at the Ritz. I mean
+these foreigners really have quite a nerve. Just because Coocoo is an Englishman and
+a Lord he thinks a girl can waste hours on him just for a luncheon at the Ritz, when
+all he does is talk about some exposition he went on to a place called Tibet and after
+talking for hours I found out that all they were was a lot <span class="pageNum" id="pb16">[<a href="#pb16">16</a>]</span>of Chinamen. So I will be quite glad to see Mr. Eisman when he gets in. Because he
+always has something quite interesting to talk about, as for instants the last time
+he was here he presented me with quite a beautiful emerald bracelet. So next week
+is my birthday and he always has some delightful surprise on holidays.
+</p>
+<p>I did intend to luncheon at the Ritz with Dorothy today and of course Coocoo had to
+spoil it, as I told him that I could not luncheon with him today, because my brother
+was in town on business and had the mumps, so I really could not leave him alone.
+Because of course if I went to the Ritz now I would bump into Coocoo. But I sometimes
+almost have to smile at my own imagination, because of course I have not got any brother
+and I have not even thought of the mumps for years. I mean it is no wonder that I
+can write.
+</p>
+<p>So the reason I thought I would take luncheon at the Ritz was because Mr. Chaplin
+is at the Ritz and I always like to renew old acquaintances, because I met Mr. Chaplin
+once when we were both working on the same lot in Hollywood and I am sure he would
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb17">[<a href="#pb17">17</a>]</span>remember me. Gentlemen always seem to remember blondes. I mean the only career I would
+like to be besides an authoress is a cinema star and I was doing quite well in the
+cinema when Mr. Eisman made me give it all up. Because of course when a gentleman
+takes such a friendly interest in educating a girl as Mr. Eisman does, you like to
+show that you appreciate it, and he is against a girl being in the cinema because
+his mother is authrodox.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>March 20th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Mr. Eisman gets in tomorrow to be here in time for my birthday. So I thought it would
+really be delightful to have at least one good time before Mr. Eisman got in, so last
+evening I had some literary gentlemen in to spend the evening because Mr. Eisman always
+likes me to have literary people in and out of the apartment. I mean he is quite anxious
+for a girl to improve her mind and his greatest interest in me is because I always
+seem to want to improve my mind and not waste any time. And Mr. Eisman likes me to
+have what the French people call a “salo” which means that people all get together
+in <span class="pageNum" id="pb18">[<a href="#pb18">18</a>]</span>the evening and improve their minds. So I invited all of the brainy gentlemen I could
+think up. So I thought up a gentleman who is the proffessor of all of the economics
+up at Columbia College, and the editor who is the famous editor of the New York Transcript
+and another gentleman who is a famous playright who writes very, very famous plays
+that are all about Life. I mean anybody would recognize his name but it always seems
+to slip my memory because all of we real friends of his only call him Sam. So Sam
+asked if he could bring a gentleman who writes novels from England, so I said yes,
+so he brought him. And then we all got together and I called up Gloria and Dorothy
+and the gentleman brought their own liquor. So of course the place was a wreck this
+morning and Lulu and I worked like proverbial dogs to get it cleaned up, but Heaven
+knows how long it will take to get the chandelier fixed.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>March 22nd</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well my birthday has come and gone but it was really quite depressing. I mean it seems
+to me a gentleman who has a friendly interest in educating a girl like Gus Eisman,
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb19">[<a href="#pb19">19</a>]</span>would want her to have the biggest square cut diamond in New York. I mean I must say
+I was quite disappointed when he came to the apartment with a little thing you could
+hardly see. So I told him I thought it was quite cute, but I had quite a headache
+and I had better stay in a dark room all day and I told him I would see him the next
+day, perhaps. Because even Lulu thought it was quite small and she said, if she was
+I, she really would do something definite and she said she always believed in the
+old addage, “Leave them while you’re looking good.” But he came in at dinner time
+with really a very very beautiful bracelet of square cut diamonds so I was quite cheered
+up. So then we had dinner at the Colony and we went to a show and supper at the Trocadero
+as usual whenever he is in town. But I will give him credit that he realized how small
+it was. I mean he kept talking about how bad business was and the button profession
+was full of bolshevicks who make nothing but trouble. Because Mr. Eisman feels that
+the country is really on the verge of the bolshevicks and I become quite worried.
+I mean if the bolshevicks do get in, there is only one gentleman who could handle
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb20">[<a href="#pb20">20</a>]</span>them and that is Mr. D.&nbsp;W. Griffith. Because I will never forget when Mr. Griffith
+was directing Intolerance. I mean it was my last cinema just before Mr. Eisman made
+me give up my career and I was playing one of the girls that fainted at the battle
+when all of the gentlemen fell off the tower. And when I saw how Mr. Griffith handled
+all of those mobs in Intolerance I realized that he could do anything, and I really
+think that the government of America ought to tell Mr. Griffith to get all ready if
+the bolshevicks start to do it.
+</p>
+<p>Well I forgot to mention that the English gentleman who writes novels seems to have
+taken quite an interest in me, as soon as he found out that I was literary. I mean
+he has called up every day and I went to tea twice with him. So he has sent me a whole
+complete set of books for my birthday by a gentleman called Mr. Conrad. They all seem
+to be about ocean travel although I have not had time to more than glance through
+them. I have always liked novels about ocean travel ever since I posed for Mr. Christie
+for the front cover of a novel about ocean travel by McGrath because I always say
+that a girl <span class="pageNum" id="pb21">[<a href="#pb21">21</a>]</span>never really looks as well as she does on board a steamship, or even a yacht.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p021width"><img src="images/p021.jpg" alt="“He sent me a set of books by a gentleman called Mr. Conrad. They all seem to be about ocean travel.”" width="542" height="275"><p class="figureHead">“<i>He sent me a set of books by a gentleman called Mr. Conrad. They all seem to be about
+ocean travel.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>So the English gentleman’s name is Mr. Gerald Lamson as those who have read his novels
+would know. And he also sent me some of his own novels and they all seem to be about
+middle age English gentlemen who live in the country over in London and seem to ride
+bicycles, which seems quite different from America, except at Palm Beach. So I told
+Mr. Lamson how I write down all of my thoughts and he said he knew I had something
+to me from the first minute he saw me and when we become better acquainted I am going
+to let him read my diary. I mean I even <span class="pageNum" id="pb22">[<a href="#pb22">22</a>]</span>told Mr. Eisman about him and he is quite pleased. Because of course Mr. Lamson is
+quite famous and it seems Mr. Eisman has read all of his novels going to and fro on
+the trains and Mr. Eisman is always anxious to meet famous people and take them to
+the Ritz to dinner on Saturday night. But of course I did not tell Mr. Eisman that
+I am really getting quite a little crush on Mr. Lamson, which I really believe I am,
+but Mr. Eisman thinks my interest in him is more literary.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p022width"><img src="images/p022.jpg" alt="“I am really getting quite a little crush on Mr. Lamson but Mr. Eisman thinks my interest in him is more literary.”" width="541" height="274"><p class="figureHead">“<i>I am really getting quite a little crush on Mr. Lamson but Mr. Eisman thinks my interest
+in him is more literary.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>March 30th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>At last Mr. Eisman has left on the 20th Century and I must say I am quite fatigued
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb23">[<a href="#pb23">23</a>]</span>and a little rest will be quite welcome. I mean I do not mind staying out late every
+night if I dance, but Mr. Eisman is really not such a good dancer so most of the time
+we just sit and drink some champagne or have a bite to eat and of course I do not
+dance with anyone else when I am out with Mr. Eisman. But Mr. Eisman and Gerry, as
+Mr. Lamson wants me to call him, became quite good friends and we had several evenings,
+all three together. So now that Mr. Eisman is out of town at last, Gerry and I are
+going out together this evening and Gerry said not to dress up, because Gerry seems
+to like me more for my soul. So I really had to tell Gerry that if all the gentlemen
+were like he seems to be, Madame Frances’ whole dress making establishment would have
+to go out of business. But Gerry does not like a girl to be nothing else but a doll,
+but he likes her to bring in her husband’s slippers every evening and make him forget
+what he has gone through.
+</p>
+<p>But before Mr. Eisman went to Chicago he told me that he is going to Paris this summer
+on professional business and I think he intends to present me with a trip to Paris
+as <span class="pageNum" id="pb24">[<a href="#pb24">24</a>]</span>he says there is nothing so educational as traveling. I mean it did worlds of good
+to Dorothy when she went abroad last spring and I never get tired of hearing her telling
+how the merry-go-rounds in Paris have pigs instead of horses. But I really do not
+know whether to be thrilled or not because, of course, if I go to Paris I will have
+to leave Gerry and both Gerry and I have made up our minds not to be separated from
+one another from now on.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>March 31st</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Last night Gerry and I had dinner at quite a quaint place where we had roast beef
+and baked potato. I mean he always wants me to have food which is what he calls “nourishing”
+which most gentlemen never seem to think about. So then we took a hansom cab and drove
+for hours around the park because Gerry said the air would be good for me. It is really
+very sweet to have some one think of all those things that gentlemen hardly ever seem
+to think about. So then we talked quite a lot. I mean Gerry knows how to draw a girl
+out and I told him things that I really would not even put in my diary. So when <span class="pageNum" id="pb25">[<a href="#pb25">25</a>]</span>he heard all about my life he became quite depressed and we both had tears in our
+eyes. Because he said he never dreamed a girl could go through so much as I, and come
+out so sweet and not made bitter by it all. I mean Gerry thinks that most gentlemen
+are brutes and hardly ever think about a girl’s soul.
+</p>
+<p>So it seems that Gerry has had quite a lot of trouble himself and he can not even
+get married on account of his wife. He and she have never been in love with each other
+but she was a suffragette and asked him to marry her, so what could he do? So we rode
+all around the park until quite late talking and philosophizing quite a lot and I
+finally told him that I thought, after all, that bird life was the highest form of
+civilization. So Gerry calls me his little thinker and I really would not be surprised
+if all of my thoughts will give him quite a few ideas for his novels. Because Gerry
+says he has never seen a girl of my personal appearance with so many brains. And he
+had almost given up looking for his ideal when our paths seemed to cross each other
+and I told him I really thought a thing like that was nearly always the result of
+fate.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb26">[<a href="#pb26">26</a>]</span></p>
+<p>So Gerry says that I remind him quite a lot of Helen of Troy, who was of Greek extraction.
+But the only Greek I know is a Greek gentleman by the name of Mr. Georgopolis who
+is really quite wealthy and he is what Dorothy and I call a “Shopper” because you
+can always call him up at any hour and ask him to go shopping and he is always quite
+delighted, which very few gentlemen seem to be. And he never seems to care how much
+anything costs. I mean Mr. Georgopolis is also quite cultured, as I know quite a few
+gentlemen who can speak to a waiter in French but Mr. Georgopolis can also speak to
+a waiter in Greek which very few gentlemen seem to be able to do.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 1st</i>:
+</p>
+<p>I am taking special pains with my diary from now on as I am really writing it for
+Gerry. I mean he and I are going to read it together some evening in front of the
+fireplace. But Gerry leaves this evening for Boston as he has to lecture about all
+of his works at Boston, but he will rush right back as soon as possible. So I am going
+to spend all of my time improving myself while he is <span class="pageNum" id="pb27">[<a href="#pb27">27</a>]</span>gone. And this afternoon we are both going to a museum on 5th Avenue, because Gerry
+wants to show me a very very beautiful cup made by an antique jeweler called Mr. Cellini
+and he wants me to read Mr. Cellini’s life which is a very very fine book and not
+dull while he is in Boston.
+</p>
+<p>So the famous playright friend of mine who is called Sam called up this morning and
+he wanted me to go to a literary party tonight that he and some other literary gentlemen
+are giving to Florence Mills in Harlem but Gerry does not want me to go with Sam as
+Sam always insists on telling riskay stories. But personally I am quite broad minded
+and I always say that I do not mind a riskay story as long as it is really funny.
+I mean I have a great sense of humor. But Gerry says Sam does not always select and
+choose his stories and he just as soon I did not go out with him. So I am going to
+stay home and read the book by Mr. Cellini instead, because, after all, the only thing
+I am really interested in, is improving my mind. So I am going to do nothing else
+but improve my mind while Gerry is in Boston. I mean I just received a cable from
+Willie Gwynn <span class="pageNum" id="pb28">[<a href="#pb28">28</a>]</span>who arrives from Europe tomorrow, but I am not even going to bother to see him. He
+is a sweet boy but he never gets anywhere and I am not going to waste my time on such
+as him, after meeting a gentleman like Gerry.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 2nd</i>:
+</p>
+<p>I seem to be quite depressed this morning as I always am when there is nothing to
+put my mind to. Because I decided not to read the book by Mr. Cellini. I mean it was
+quite amuseing in spots because it was really quite riskay but the spots were not
+so close together and I never seem to like to always be hunting clear through a book
+for the spots I am looking for, especially when there are really not so many spots
+that seem to be so amuseing after all. So I did not waste my time on it but this morning
+I told Lulu to let all of the house work go and spend the day reading a book entitled
+“Lord Jim” and then tell me all about it, so that I would improve my mind while Gerry
+is away. But when I got her the book I nearly made a mistake and gave her a book by
+the title of “The Nigger of the Narcissus” which really would have hurt her feelings.
+I mean I do not know why authors <span class="pageNum" id="pb29">[<a href="#pb29">29</a>]</span>cannot say “Negro” instead of “Nigger” as they have their feelings just the same as
+we have.
+</p>
+<p>Well I just got a telegram from Gerry that he will not be back until tomorrow and
+also some orchids from Willie Gwynn, so I may as well go to the theatre with Willie
+tonight to keep from getting depressed, as he really is a sweet boy after all. I mean
+he never really does anything obnoxious. And it is quite depressing to stay at home
+and do nothing but read, unless you really have a book that is worth bothering about.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 3rd</i>:
+</p>
+<p>I was really so depressed this morning that I was even glad to get a letter from Mr.
+Eisman. Because last night Willie Gwynn came to take me to the Follies, but he was
+so intoxicated that I had to telephone his club to send around a taxi to take him
+home. So that left me alone with Lulu at nine o’clock with nothing to do, so I put
+in a telephone call for Boston to talk to Gerry but it never went through. So Lulu
+tried to teach me how to play mah jong, but I really could not keep my mind on it
+because I was so depressed. <span class="pageNum" id="pb30">[<a href="#pb30">30</a>]</span>So today I think I had better go over to Madame Frances and order some new evening
+gowns to cheer me up.
+</p>
+<p>Well Lulu just brought me a telegram from Gerry that he will be in this afternoon,
+but I must not meet him at the station on account of all of the reporters who always
+meet him at the station wherever he comes from. But he says he will come right up
+to see me as he has something to talk about.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 4th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>What an evening we had last evening. I mean it seems that Gerry is madly in love with
+me. Because all of the time he was in Boston lecturing to the womens clubs he said,
+as he looked over the faces of all those club women in Boston, he never realized I
+was so beautiful. And he said that there was only one in all the world and that was
+me. But it seems that Gerry thinks that Mr. Eisman is terrible and that no good can
+come of our friendship. I mean I was quite surprised, as they both seemed to get along
+quite well together, but it seems that Gerry never wants me to see Mr. Eisman again.
+And he wants me to give up everything and <span class="pageNum" id="pb31">[<a href="#pb31">31</a>]</span>study French and he will get a divorce and we will be married. Because Gerry does
+not seem to like the kind of life all of us lead in New York and he wants me to go
+home to papa in Arkansas and he will send me books to read so that I will not get
+lonesome there. And he gave me his uncle’s Masonic ring, which came down from the
+time of Soloman and which he never even lets his wife wear, for our engagement ring,
+and this afternoon a lady friend of his is going to bring me a new system she thought
+up of how to learn French. But some way I still seem to be depressed. I mean I could
+not sleep all night thinking of the terrible things Gerry said about New York and
+about Mr. Eisman. Of course I can understand Gerry being jealous of any gentleman
+friend of mine and of course I never really thought that Mr. Eisman was Rudolph Valentino,
+but Gerry said it made him cringe to think of a sweet girl like I having a friendship
+with Mr. Eisman. So it really made me feel quite depressed. I mean Gerry likes to
+talk quite a lot and I always think a lot of talk is depressing and worries your brains
+with things you never even think of when you are busy. But so <span class="pageNum" id="pb32">[<a href="#pb32">32</a>]</span>long as Gerry does not mind me going out with other gentlemen when they have something
+to give you mentally, I am going to luncheon with Eddie Goldmark of the Goldmark Films
+who is always wanting me to sign a contract to go into the cinema. Because Mr. Goldmark
+is madly in love with Dorothy and Dorothy is always wanting me to go back in the cinema
+because Dorothy says that she will go if I will go.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p032width"><img src="images/p032.jpg" alt="“He said it made him cringe to think of a sweet girl like I having a friendship with Mr. Eisman.”" width="537" height="274"><p class="figureHead">“<i>He said it made him cringe to think of a sweet girl like I having a friendship with
+Mr. Eisman.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 6th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well I finally wrote Mr. Eisman that I was going to get married and it seems that
+he is coming on at once as he would probably <span class="pageNum" id="pb33">[<a href="#pb33">33</a>]</span>like to give me his advice. Getting married is really quite serious and Gerry talks
+to me for hours and hours about it. I mean he never seems to get tired of talking
+and he does not seem to even want to go to shows or dance or do anything else but
+talk, and if I don’t really have something definite to put my mind on soon I will
+scream.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 7th</i>:
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p033width"><img src="images/p033.jpg" alt="“He said I would be dragged into the scandal of a divorce court and get my name smirched.”" width="541" height="275"><p class="figureHead">“<i>He said I would be dragged into the scandal of a divorce court and get my name smirched.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure floatLeft p034width"><img src="images/p034.jpg" alt="“So I am sailing for France and London on Tuesday and taking Dorothy with me and Mr. Eisman will see us there later.”" width="277" height="535"><p class="figureHead">“<i>So I am sailing for France and London on Tuesday and taking Dorothy with me and Mr.
+Eisman will see us there later.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>Well Mr. Eisman arrived this morning and he and I had quite a long talk, and after
+all I think he is right. Because here is the first real opportunity I have ever really
+had. I mean to go to Paris and broaden out and <span class="pageNum" id="pb34">[<a href="#pb34">34</a>]</span>improve my writing, and why should I give it up to marry an author, where he is the
+whole thing and all I would be would be the wife of Gerald Lamson? And on top of that
+I would have to be dragged into the scandal of a divorce court and get my name smirched.
+So Mr. Eisman said that opportunities come <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> seldom in a girls life for me to give up the first one I have really ever had. So
+I am sailing for France and London on Tuesday and taking Dorothy with me and Mr. Eisman
+says that he will see us there later. So Dorothy knows all of the ropes and she can
+get along in Paris just as though she knew French and besides she knows a French gentleman
+who was born and raised there, who <span class="pageNum" id="pb35">[<a href="#pb35">35</a>]</span>speaks it like a native and knows Paris like a book. And Dorothy says that when we
+get to London nearly everybody speaks English anyway. So it is quite lucky that Mr.
+Lamson is out lecturing in Cincinnati and he will not be back until Wednesday and
+I can send him a letter and tell him that I have to go to Europe now but I will see
+him later perhaps. So anyway I will be spared listening to any more of his depressing
+conversation. So Mr. Eisman gave me quite a nice string of pearls and he gave Dorothy
+a diamond pin and we all went to the Colony for dinner and we all went to a show and
+supper at the Trocadero and we all spent quite a pleasant evening.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb39">[<a href="#pb39">39</a>]</span></p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div id="ch2" class="div1 chapter"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#xd31e259">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divHead">
+<h2 class="label">CHAPTER TWO</h2>
+<h2 class="main">FATE KEEPS ON HAPPENING</h2>
+</div>
+<div class="divBody">
+<p class="first dateentry"><i>April 11th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well Dorothy and I are really on the ship sailing to Europe as anyone could tell by
+looking at the ocean. I always love the ocean. I mean I always love a ship and I really
+love the <i>Majestic</i> because you would not know it was a ship because it is just like being at the Ritz,
+and the steward says the ocean is not so obnoxious this month as it generally is.
+So Mr. Eisman is going to meet us next month in Paris because he has to be there on
+business. I mean he always says that there is really no place to see the latest styles
+in buttons like Paris.
+</p>
+<p>So Dorothy is out taking a walk up and down the deck with a gentleman she met on the
+steps, but I am not going to waste my time going around with gentlemen because if
+I did nothing but go around I would not finish my diary or read good books which I
+am always reading to improve my mind. But Dorothy really does not care about her <span class="pageNum" id="pb40">[<a href="#pb40">40</a>]</span>mind and I always scold her because she does nothing but waste her time by going around
+with gentlemen who do not have anything, when Eddie Goldmark of the Goldmark Films
+is really quite wealthy and can make a girl delightful presents. But she does nothing
+but waste her time and yesterday, which was really the day before we sailed, she would
+not go to luncheon with Mr. Goldmark but she went to luncheon to meet a gentleman
+called Mr. Mencken from Baltimore who really only prints a green magazine which has
+not even got any pictures in it. But Mr. Eisman is always saying that every girl does
+not want to get ahead and get educated like me.
+</p>
+<p>So Mr. Eisman and Lulu come down to the boat to see me off and Lulu cried quite a
+lot. I mean I really believe she could not care any more for me if she was light and
+not colored. Lulu has had a very sad life because when she was quite young a pullman
+porter fell madly in love with her. So she believed him and he lured her away from
+her home to Ashtabula and deceived her there. So she finally found out that she had
+been deceived and she really was broken hearted and when she <span class="pageNum" id="pb41">[<a href="#pb41">41</a>]</span>tried to go back home she found out that it was <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> late because her best girl friend, who she had always trusted, had stolen her husband
+and he would not take Lulu back. So I have always said to her she could always work
+for me and she is going to take care of the apartment until I get back, because I
+would not sublet the apartment because Dorothy sublet her apartment when she went
+to Europe last year and the gentleman who sublet the apartment allowed girls to pay
+calls on him who were not nice.
+</p>
+<p>Mr. Eisman has litereally filled our room with flowers and the steward has had quite
+a hard time to find enough vases to put them into. I mean the steward said he knew
+as soon as he saw Dorothy and I that he would have quite a heavy run on vases. And
+of course Mr. Eisman has sent me quite a lot of good books as he always does, because
+he always knows that good books are always welcome. So he has sent me quite a large
+book of Etiquette as he says there is quite a lot of Etiquette in England and London
+and it would be a good thing for a girl to learn. So I am going to take it on the
+deck after luncheon and read it, because I would <span class="pageNum" id="pb42">[<a href="#pb42">42</a>]</span>often like to know what a girl ought to do when a gentleman she has just met, says
+something to her in a taxi. Of course I always become quite vexed but I always believe
+in giving a gentleman another chance.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure floatLeft p042width"><img src="images/p042.jpg" alt="“The steward said he knew as soon as he saw Dorothy and I that he would have quite a heavy run on vases.”" width="277" height="535"><p class="figureHead">“<i>The steward said he knew as soon as he saw Dorothy and I that he would have quite
+a heavy run on vases.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>So now the steward tells me it is luncheon time, so I will go upstairs as the gentleman
+Dorothy met on the steps has invited us to luncheon in the Ritz, which is a special
+dining room on the ship where you can spend quite a lot of money because they really
+give away the food in the other dining room.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 12th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>I am going to stay in bed this morning as I am quite upset as I saw a gentleman <span class="pageNum" id="pb43">[<a href="#pb43">43</a>]</span>who quite upset me. I am not really sure it was the gentleman, as I saw him at quite
+a distants in the bar, but if it really is the gentleman it shows that when a girl
+has a lot of fate in her life it is sure to keep on happening. So when I thought I
+saw this gentleman I was with Dorothy and Major Falcon, who is the gentleman Dorothy
+met on the steps, and Major Falcon noticed that I became upset, so he wanted me to
+tell him what was the matter, but it is really so terrible that I would not want to
+tell anyone. So I said good night to Major Falcon and I left him with Dorothy and
+I went down to our room and did nothing but cry and send the steward for some champagne
+to cheer me up. I mean champagne always makes me feel philosophical because it makes
+me realize that when a girl’s life is as full of fate as mine seems to be, there is
+nothing else to do about it. So this morning the steward brought me my coffee and
+quite a large pitcher of ice water so I will stay in bed and not have any more champagne
+until luncheon time.
+</p>
+<p>Dorothy never has any fate in her life and she does nothing but waste her time and
+I really wonder if I did right to bring her with <span class="pageNum" id="pb44">[<a href="#pb44">44</a>]</span>me and not Lulu. I mean she really gives gentlemen a bad impression as she talks quite
+a lot of slang. Because when I went up yesterday to meet she and Major Falcon for
+luncheon, I overheard her say to Major Falcon that she really liked to become intoxicated
+once in a “dirty” while. Only she did not say intoxicated, but she really said a slang
+word that means intoxicated and I am always having to tell her that “dirty” is a slang
+word and she really should not say “dirty.”
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p044width"><img src="images/p044.jpg" alt="“I overheard Dorothy tell Major Falcon that she liked to become intoxicated once in a dirty while.”" width="540" height="271"><p class="figureHead">“<i>I overheard Dorothy tell Major Falcon that she liked to become intoxicated once in
+a dirty while.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>Major Falcon is really quite a delightful gentleman for an Englishman. I mean he really
+spends quite a lot of money and we had quite a delightful luncheon and dinner in the
+Ritz until I thought I saw the gentleman who <span class="pageNum" id="pb45">[<a href="#pb45">45</a>]</span>upset me and I am so upset I think I will get dressed and go up on the deck and see
+if it really is the one I think it is. I mean there is nothing else for me to do as
+I have finished writing in my diary for today and I have decided not to read the book
+of Ettiquette as I glanced through it and it does not seem to have anything in it
+that I would care to know because it wastes quite a lot of time telling you what to
+call a Lord and all the Lords I have met have told me what to call them and it is
+generally some quite cute name like Coocoo whose real name is really Lord Cooksleigh.
+So I will not waste my time on such a book. But I wish I did not feel so upset about
+the gentleman I think I saw.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p046width"><img src="images/p046.jpg" alt="“So Mr. Ginsberg changed his name to Mr. Mountginz which he really thinks is more aristocratic.”" width="540" height="271"><p class="figureHead">“<i>So Mr. Ginsberg changed his name to Mr. Mountginz which he really thinks is more aristocratic.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 13th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>It really is the gentleman I thought I saw. I mean when I found out it was the gentleman
+my heart really stopped. Because it all brought back things that anybody does not
+like to remember, no matter who they are. So yesterday when I went up on the deck
+to see if I could see the gentleman and see if it really was him, I met quite a delightful
+gentleman who I met once at a party called <span class="pageNum" id="pb46">[<a href="#pb46">46</a>]</span>Mr. Ginzberg. Only his name is not Mr. Ginzberg any more because a gentleman in London
+called Mr. Battenburg, who is some relation to some king, changed his name to Mr.
+Mountbatten which Mr. Ginzberg says really means the same thing after all. So Mr.
+Ginsberg changed his name to Mr. Mountginz which he really thinks is more aristocratic.
+So we walked around the deck and we met the gentleman face to face and I really saw
+it was him and he really saw it was me. I mean his face became so red it was almost
+a picture. So I was so upset I said good-bye to Mr. Mountginz and I started to rush
+right down to my room and cry. But when I was going down the steps, I bumped right
+into Major Falcon <span class="pageNum" id="pb47">[<a href="#pb47">47</a>]</span>who noticed that I was upset. So Major Falcon made me go to the Ritz and have some
+champagne and tell him all about it.
+</p>
+<p>So then I told Major Falcon about the time in Arkansas when Papa sent me to Little
+Rock to study how to become a stenographer. I mean Papa and I had quite a little quarrel
+because Papa did not like a gentleman who used to pay calls on me in the park and
+Papa thought it would do me good to get away for awhile. So I was in the business
+colledge in Little Rock for about a week when a gentleman called Mr. Jennings paid
+a call on the business colledge because he wanted to have a new stenographer. So he
+looked over all we colledge girls and he picked me out. So he told our teacher that
+he would help me finish my course in his office because he was only a lawyer and I
+really did not have to know so much. So Mr. Jennings helped me quite a lot and I stayed
+in his office about a year when I found out that he was not the kind of a gentleman
+that a young girl is safe with. I mean one evening when I went to pay a call on him
+at his apartment, I found a girl there who really was famous all over Little Rock
+for not <span class="pageNum" id="pb48">[<a href="#pb48">48</a>]</span>being nice. So when I found out that girls like that paid calls on Mr. Jennings I
+had quite a bad case of histerics and my mind was really a blank and when I came out
+of it, it seems that I had a revolver in my hand and it seems that the revolver had
+shot Mr. Jennings.
+</p>
+<p>So this gentleman on the boat was really the District Attorney who was at the trial
+and he really was quite harsh at the trial and he called me names that I would not
+even put in my diary. Because everyone at the trial except the District Attorney was
+really lovely to me and all the gentlemen in the jury all cried when my lawyer pointed
+at me and told them that they practically all had had either a mother or a sister.
+So the jury was only out three minutes and then they came back and acquitted me and
+they were all so lovely that I really had to kiss all of them and when I kissed the
+judge he had tears in his eyes and he took me right home to his sister. I mean it
+was when Mr. Jennings became shot that I got the idea to go into the cinema, so Judge
+Hibbard got me a ticket to Hollywood. So it was Judge Hibbard who really gave me my
+name because <span class="pageNum" id="pb49">[<a href="#pb49">49</a>]</span>he did not like the name I had because he said a girl ought to have a name that ought
+to express her personality. So he said my name ought to be Lorelei which is the name
+of a girl who became famous for sitting on a rock in Germany, So I was in Hollywood
+in the cinema when I met Mr. Eisman and he said that a girl with my brains ought not
+to be in the cinema but she ought to be educated, so he took me out of the cinema
+so he could educate me.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p049width"><img src="images/p049.jpg" alt="“So when they acquitted me I kissed the judge and they all had tears in their eyes.”" width="536" height="273"><p class="figureHead">“<i>So when they acquitted me I kissed the judge and they all had tears in their eyes.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>So Major Falcon was really quite interested in everything I talked about, because
+he said it was quite a co-instance because this District Attorney, who is called Mr.
+Bartlett, is now working for the government of America <span class="pageNum" id="pb50">[<a href="#pb50">50</a>]</span>and he is on his way to a place called Vienna on some business for Uncle Sam that
+is quite a great secret and Mr. Falcon would like very much to know what the secret
+is, because the Government in London sent him to America especially to find out what
+it was. Only of course Mr. Bartlett does not know who Major Falcon is, because it
+is such a great secret, but Major Falcon can tell me, because he knows who he can
+trust. So Major Falcon says he thinks a girl like I ought to forgive and forget what
+Mr. Bartlett called me and he wants to bring us together and he says he thinks Mr.
+Bartlett would talk to me quite a lot when he really gets to know me and I forgive
+him for that time in Little Rock. Because it would be quite romantic for Mr. Bartlett
+and I to become friendly, and gentlemen who work for Uncle Sam generally like to become
+romantic with girls. So he is going to bring us together on the deck after dinner
+tonight and I am going to forgive him and talk with him quite a lot, because why should
+a girl hold a grudge against a gentleman who had to do it. So Major Falcon brought
+me quite a large bottle of perfume and a quite cute <span class="pageNum" id="pb51">[<a href="#pb51">51</a>]</span>imitation of quite a large size dog in the little shop which is on board the boat.
+I mean Major Falcon really knows how to cheer a girl up quite a lot and so tonight
+I am going to make it all up with Mr. Bartlett.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 14th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well Mr. Bartlett and I made it all up last night and we are going to be the best
+of friends and talk quite a lot. So when I went down to my room quite late Major Falcon
+came down to see if I and Mr. Bartlett were really going to be friends because he
+said a girl with brains like I ought to have lots to talk about with a gentleman with
+brains like Mr. Bartlett who knows all of Uncle Sam’s secrets.
+</p>
+<p>So I told Major Falcon how Mr. Bartlett thinks that he and I seem to be like a play,
+because all the time he was calling me all those names in Little Rock he really thought
+I was. So when he found out that I turned out not to be, he said he always thought
+that I only used my brains against gentlemen and really had quite a cold heart. But
+now he thinks I ought to write a play about how he called me all those names in Little
+Rock and <span class="pageNum" id="pb52">[<a href="#pb52">52</a>]</span>then, after seven years, we became friendly.
+</p>
+<p>So I told Major Falcon that I told Mr. Bartlett I would like to write the play but
+I really did not have time as it takes quite a lot of time to write my diary and read
+good books. So Mr. Bartlett did not know that I read books which is quite a co-instance
+because he reads them to. So he is going to bring me a book of philosophy this afternoon
+called “Smile, Smile, Smile” which all the brainy senators in Washington are reading
+which cheers you up quite a lot.
+</p>
+<p>So I told Major Falcon that having a friendship with Mr. <span class="sic" title="Correction: Bartlett">Barlett</span> was really quite enervating because Mr. Bartlett does not drink anything and the
+less anybody says about his dancing the better. But he did ask me to dine at his table,
+which is not in the Ritz and I told him I could not, but Major Falcon told me I ought
+to, but I told Major Falcon that there was a limit to almost everything. So I am going
+to stay in my room until luncheon and I am going to luncheon in the Ritz with Mr.
+Mountginz who really knows how to treat a girl.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p053width"><img src="images/p053.jpg" alt="“The steward has had quite a sad life and he likes to tell me all about himself.”" width="531" height="267"><p class="figureHead">“<i>The steward has had quite a sad life and he likes to tell me all about himself.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>Dorothy is up on the deck wasting quite a lot of time with a gentleman who is <span class="pageNum" id="pb53">[<a href="#pb53">53</a>]</span>only a tennis champion. So I am going to ring for the steward and have some champagne
+which is quite good for a person on a boat. The steward is really quite a nice boy
+and he has had quite a sad life and he likes to tell me all about himself. I mean
+it seems that he was arrested in Flatbush because he promised a gentleman that he
+would bring him some very very good scotch and they mistook him for a bootlegger.
+So it seems they put him in a prison and they put him in a cell with two other gentlemen
+who were very, very famous burglars. I mean they really had their pictures in all
+the newspapers and everybody was talking about them. So my steward, whose real name
+is Fred, was <span class="pageNum" id="pb54">[<a href="#pb54">54</a>]</span>very very proud to be in the same cell with such famous burglars. So when they asked
+him what he was in for, he did not like to tell them that he was only a bootlegger,
+so he told them that he set fire to a house and burned up quite a large family in
+Oklahoma. So everything would have gone alright except that the police had put a dictaphone
+in the cell and used it all against him and he could not get out until they had investigated
+all the fires in Oklahoma. So I always think that it is much more educational to talk
+to a boy like Fred who has been through a lot and really suffered than it is to talk
+to a gentleman like Mr. Bartlett. But I will have to talk to Mr. Bartlett all afternoon
+as Major Falcon has made an appointment for me to spend the whole afternoon with him.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 15th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Last night there was quite a maskerade ball on the ship which was really all for the
+sake of charity because most of the sailors seem to have orphans which they get from
+going on the ocean when the sea is very rough. So they took up quite a collection
+and Mr. Bartlett made quite a long speech in favor of <span class="pageNum" id="pb55">[<a href="#pb55">55</a>]</span>orphans especially when their parents are sailors. Mr. Bartlett really likes to make
+speeches quite a lot. I mean he even likes to make speeches when he is all alone with
+a girl when they are walking up and down a deck. But the maskerade ball was quite
+cute and one gentleman really looked almost like an imitation of Mr. Chaplin. So Dorothy
+and I really did not want to go to the ball but Mr. Bartlett bought us two scarfs
+at the little store which is on the ship so we tied them around our hips and everyone
+said we made quite a cute Carmen. So Mr. Bartlett and Major Falcon and the tennis
+champion were the Judges. So Dorothy and I won the prizes. I mean I really hope I
+do not get any more large size imitations of a dog as I have three now and I do not
+see why the Captain does not ask Mr. Cartier to have a jewelry store on the ship as
+it is really not much fun to go shopping on a ship with gentlemen, and buy nothing
+but imitations of dogs.
+</p>
+<p>So after we won the prizes I had an engagement to go up on the top of the deck with
+Mr. Bartlett as it seems he likes to look at the moonlight quite a lot. So I told
+him <span class="pageNum" id="pb56">[<a href="#pb56">56</a>]</span>to go up and wait for me and I would be up later as I promised a dance to Mr. Mountginz.
+So he asked me how long I would be dancing till, but I told him to wait up there and
+he would find out. So Mr. Mountginz and I had quite a delightful dance and champagne
+until Major Falcon found us. Because he was looking for me and he said I really should
+not keep Mr. Bartlett waiting. So I went up on the deck and Mr. Bartlett was up there
+waiting for me and it seems that he really is madly in love with me because he did
+not sleep a wink since we became friendly. Because he never thought that I really
+had brains but now that he knows it, it seems that he has been looking for a girl
+like me for years, and he said that really the place for me when he got back home
+was Washington d. c. where he lives. So I told him I thought a thing like that was
+nearly always the result of fate. So he wanted me to get off the ship tomorrow at
+France and take the same trip that he is taking to Vienna as it seems that Vienna
+is in France and if you go on to England you go to far. But I told him that I could
+not because I thought that if he was really madly in love with me he would take <span class="pageNum" id="pb58">[<a href="#pb58">58</a>]</span>a trip to London instead. But he told me that he had serious business in Vienna that
+was a very, very great secret. But I told him I did not believe it was business but
+that it really was some girl, because what business could be so important? So he said
+it was business for the United States government at Washington and he could not tell
+anybody what it was. So then we looked at the moonlight quite a lot. So I told him
+I would go to Vienna if I really knew it was business and not some girl, because I
+could not see how business could be so important. So then he told me all about it.
+So it seems that Uncle Sam wants some new aeroplanes that everybody else seems to
+want, especially England, and Uncle Sam has quite a clever way to get them which is
+to long to put in my diary. So we sat up and saw the sun rise and I became quite stiff
+and told him I would have to go down to my room because, after all, the ship lands
+at France today and I said if I got off the boat at France to go to Vienna with him
+I would have to pack up.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p057width"><img src="images/p057.jpg" alt="“Mr. Bartlett said he did not sleep a wink since we became friendly.”" width="370" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>Mr. Bartlett said he did not sleep a wink since we became friendly.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>So I went down to my room and went to bed. So then Dorothy came in and she was up
+on the deck with the tennis champion but <span class="pageNum" id="pb59">[<a href="#pb59">59</a>]</span>she did not notice the sun rise as she really does not love nature but always wastes
+her time and ruins her clothes even though I always tell her not to drink champagne
+out of a bottle on the deck of the ship as it lurches quite a lot. So I am going to
+have luncheon in my room and I will send a note to Mr. Bartlett to tell him I will
+not be able to get off the boat at France to go to Vienna with him as I have quite
+a headache, but I will see him sometime somewhere else. So Major Falcon is going to
+come down at 12 and I have got to thinking over what Mr. Bartlett called me at Little
+Rock and I am quite upset. I mean a gentleman never pays for those things but a girl
+always pays. So I think I will tell Major Falcon all about the airoplane business
+as he really wants to know. And, after all I do not think Mr. Bartlett is a gentleman
+to call me all those names in Little Rock even if it was seven years ago. I mean Major
+Falcon is always a gentleman and he really wants to do quite a lot for us in London.
+Because he knows the Prince of Wales and he thinks that Dorothy and I would like the
+Prince of Wales once we had really got to meet him. So I am going to stay in my <span class="pageNum" id="pb60">[<a href="#pb60">60</a>]</span>room until Mr. Bartlett gets off the ship at France, because I really do not seem
+to care if I never see Mr. Bartlett again.
+</p>
+<p>So tomorrow we will be at England bright and early. And I really feel quite thrilled
+because Mr. Eisman sent me a cable this morning, as he does every morning, and he
+says to take advantage of everybody we meet as traveling is the highest form of education.
+I mean Mr. Eisman is always right and Major Falcon knows all the sights in London
+including the Prince of Wales so it really looks like Dorothy and I would have quite
+a delightful time in London.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb63">[<a href="#pb63">63</a>]</span></p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div id="ch3" class="div1 chapter"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#xd31e269">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divHead">
+<h2 class="label">CHAPTER THREE</h2>
+<h2 class="main">LONDON IS REALLY NOTHING</h2>
+</div>
+<div class="divBody">
+<p class="first dateentry"><i>April 17th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well, Dorothy and I are really at London. I mean we got to London on the train yesterday
+as the boat does not come clear up to London but it stops on the beach and you have
+to take a train. I mean everything is much better in New York, because the boat comes
+right up to New York and I am really beginning to think that London is not so educational
+after all. But I did not tell Mr. Eisman when I cabled him last night because Mr.
+Eisman really sent me to London to get educated and I would hate to tell him that
+London is a failure because we know more in New York.
+</p>
+<p>So Dorothy and I came to the Ritz and it is delightfully full of Americans. I mean
+you would really think it was New York because I always think that the most delightful
+thing about traveling is to always be running into Americans and to always feel at
+home.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb64">[<a href="#pb64">64</a>]</span></p>
+<p>So yesterday Dorothy and I went down to luncheon at the Ritz and we saw a quite cute
+little blond girl at the next table and I nudged Dorothy under the table, because
+I do not think it is nice to nudge a person on top of the table as I am trying to
+teach good manners to Dorothy. So I said “That is quite a cute little girl so she
+must be an American girl.” And sure enough she called the head-waiter with quite
+an American accent and she was quite angry and she said to him, I have been coming
+to this hotel for 35 years and this is the first time I have been kept waiting. So
+I recognized her voice because it was really Fanny Ward. So we asked her to come over
+to our table and we were all three delighted to see each other. Because I and Fanny
+have known each other for about five years but I really feel as if I knew her better
+because mama knew her 45 years ago when she and mama used to go to school together
+and mama used to always follow all her weddings in all the newspapers. So now Fanny
+lives in London and is famous for being one of the cutest girls in London. I mean
+Fanny is almost historical, because when a girl is cute for 50 years it really begins
+to get historical.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb65">[<a href="#pb65">65</a>]</span>
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p065width"><img src="images/p065.jpg" alt="“So I recognized her voice because it was really Fanny Ward.”" width="367" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>So I recognized her voice because it was really Fanny Ward.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb66">[<a href="#pb66">66</a>]</span></p>
+<p>So if mama did not die of hardening of the arterys she and Fanny and I could have
+quite a delightful time in London as Fanny loves to shop. So we went shopping for
+hats and instead of going to the regular shop we went to the childrens department
+and Fanny and I bought some quite cute hats as childrens hats only cost half as much
+and Fanny does it all the time. I mean Fanny really loves hats and she buys some in
+the children’s department every week, so she really saves quite a lot of money.
+</p>
+<p>So we came back to the Ritz to meet Major Falcon because Major Falcon invited us to
+go to tea with him at a girls house called Lady Shelton. So Major Falcon invited Fanny
+to go with us <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span>, but she was sorry because she had to go to her music lesson.
+</p>
+<p>So at Lady Sheltons house we met quite a few people who seemed to be English. I mean
+some of the girls in London seem to be Ladies which seems to be the opposite of a
+Lord. And some who are not Ladies are honorable. But quite a few are not Ladies or
+honorable either, but are just like us, so all you have to call them is “Miss.” So
+Lady Shelton was really delighted to have we <span class="pageNum" id="pb67">[<a href="#pb67">67</a>]</span>Americans come to her house. I mean she took Dorothy and I into the back parlor and
+tried to sell us some shell flowers she seems to make out of sea shells for 25 pounds.
+So we asked her how much it was in money and it seems it is 125 dollars. I mean I
+am really going to have a quite hard time in London with Dorothy because she really
+should not say to an English lady what she said. I mean she should not say to an English
+lady that in America we use shells the same way only we put a dry pea under one of
+them and we call it a game. But I told Lady Shelton we really did not need any shell
+flowers. So Lady Shelton said she knew we Americans loved dogs so she would love us
+to meet her mother.
+</p>
+<p>So then she took Dorothy and Major Falcon and I to her mother’s house which was just
+around the corner from her house. Because her mother seems to be called a Countess
+and raise dogs. So her mother was having a party too, and she seemed to have quite
+red hair and quite a lot of paint for such an elderly lady. So the first thing she
+asked us was she asked us if we bought some shell flowers from her daughter. So we
+told her no. But she did not seem to act like a Countess <span class="pageNum" id="pb68">[<a href="#pb68">68</a>]</span>of her elderly age should act. Because she said, “You were right my dears—don’t let
+my daughter stick you—they fall apart in less than a week.” So then she asked us if
+we would like to buy a dog. I mean I could not stop Dorothy but she said “How long
+before the dogs fall apart?” But I do not think the Countess acted like a Countess
+ought to act because she laughed very, very loud and she said that Dorothy was really
+priceless and she grabbed Dorothy and kissed her and held her arm around her all the
+time. I mean I really think that a Countess should not <span class="sic" title="Correction: encourage">encouradge</span> Dorothy or else she is just as unrefined as Dorothy seems to be. But I told the Countess
+that we did not need any dog.
+</p>
+<p>So then I met quite a delightful English lady who had a very, very beautiful diamond
+tiara in her hand bag because she said that she thought some Americans would be at
+the party and it was really a very, very great bargain. I mean I think a diamond tiara
+is delightful because it is a place where I really never thought of wearing diamonds
+before, and I thought I had almost one of everything until I saw a diamond tiara.
+The English lady who is called Mrs. Weeks said it was in <span class="pageNum" id="pb69">[<a href="#pb69">69</a>]</span>her family for years but the good thing about diamonds is they always look new. So
+I was really very intreeged and I asked her how much it cost in money and it seems
+it was $7,500.
+</p>
+<p>So then I looked around the room and I noticed a gentleman who seemed to be quite
+well groomed. So I asked Major Falcon who he was and he said he was called Sir Francis
+Beekman and it seems he is very, very wealthy. So then I asked Major Falcon to give
+us an introduction to one another and we met one another and I asked Sir Francis Beekman
+if he would hold my hat while I could try on the diamond tiara because I could wear
+it backwards with a ribbon, on account of my hair being hobbed, and I told Sir Francis
+Beekman that I really thought it looked quite cute. So he thought it did to, but he
+seemed to have another engagement. So the Countess came up to me and she is really
+very unrefined because she said to me “Do not waste your time on him” because she
+said that whenever Sir Francis Beekman spent a haypenny the statue of a gentleman
+called Mr. Nelson took off his hat and bowed. I mean some people are so unrefined
+they <span class="pageNum" id="pb70">[<a href="#pb70">70</a>]</span>seem to have unrefined thoughts about everything.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p070width"><img src="images/p070.jpg" alt="“I told Sir Francis Beekman that I really thought it looked quite cute.”" width="538" height="273"><p class="figureHead">“<i>I told Sir Francis Beekman that I really thought it looked quite cute.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>So I really have my heart set on the diamond tiara and I became quite worried because
+Mrs. Weeks said she was going to a delightful party last night that would be full
+of delightful Americans and it would be snaped up. So I was so worried that I gave
+her 100 dollars and she is going to hold the diamond tiara for me. Because what is
+the use of traveling if you do not take advantadge of oportunities and it really is
+quite unusual to get a bargain from an English lady. So last night I cabled Mr. Eisman
+and I told Mr. Eisman that he does not seem to <span class="sic" title="Correction: know how">how know</span> much it costs to get educated by <span class="pageNum" id="pb71">[<a href="#pb71">71</a>]</span>traveling and I said I really would have to have $10,000 and I said I hoped I would
+not have to borrow the money from some strange English gentleman, even if he might
+be very very good looking. So I really could not sleep all night because of all of
+my worrying because if I do not get the money to buy the diamond tiara it may be a
+quite hard thing to get back $100 from an English lady.
+</p>
+<p>So now I must really get dressed as Major Falcon is going to take Dorothy and I to
+look at all the sights in London. But I really think if I do not get the diamond tiara
+my whole trip to London will be quite a failure.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 18th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Yesterday was quite a day and night. I mean Major Falcon came to take Dorothy and
+I to see all the sights in London. So I thought it would be delightful if we had another
+gentleman and I made Major Falcon call up Sir Francis Beekman. I mean I had a cable
+from Mr. Eisman which told me he could not send me 10,000 dollars but he would send
+me 1000 dollars which really would not be a drop in the bucket for the diamond tiara.
+So Sir Francis Beekman said that he could <span class="pageNum" id="pb72">[<a href="#pb72">72</a>]</span>not come but I teased him and teased him over the telephone so he finally said he
+would come.
+</p>
+<p>So Major Falcon drives his own car so Dorothy sat with him and I sat with Sir Francis
+Beekman but I told him that I was not going to call him Sir Francis Beekman but I
+was really going to call him Piggie.
+</p>
+<p>In London they make a very, very great fuss over nothing at all. I mean London is
+really nothing at all. For instants, they make a great fuss over a tower that really
+is not even as tall as the Hickox building in Little Rock Arkansas and it would only
+make a chimney on one of our towers in New York. So Sir Francis Beekman wanted us
+to get out and look at the tower because he said that quite a famous Queen had her
+head cut off there one morning and Dorothy said “What a fool she was to get up that
+morning” and that is really the only sensible thing that Dorothy has said in London.
+So we did not bother to get out.
+</p>
+<p>So we did not go to any more sights because they really have delicious champagne cocktails
+at a very very smart new restaurant called the Cafe de Paris that you could not <span class="pageNum" id="pb74">[<a href="#pb74">74</a>]</span>get in New York for neither love or money and I told Piggie that when you are travelling
+you really ought to take advantadges of what you can not do at home.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p073width"><img src="images/p073.jpg" alt="“In London they make a fuss over a tower that is not as tall as the Hickox Building in Little Rock.”" width="368" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>In London they make a fuss over a tower that is not as tall as the Hickox Building
+in Little Rock.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>So while Dorothy and I were in the Cafe de Paris powdering our nose in the lady’s
+dressing room we met an American girl who Dorothy knew in the Follies, but now she
+is living in London. So she told us all about London. So it seems the gentlemen in
+London have quite a quaint custom of not giving a girl many presents. I mean the English
+girls really seem to be satisfied with a gold cigaret holder or else what they call
+a ‘bangle’ which means a bracelet in English which is only gold and does not have
+any stones in it which American girls would really give to their maid. So she said
+you could tell what English gentlemen were like when you realize that not even English
+ladys could get anything out of them. So she said Sir Francis Beekman was really famous
+all over London for not spending so much money as most English gentlemen. So then
+Dorothy and I said goodbye to Dorothy’s girl friend and Dorothy said, “Lets tell our
+two boy friends that we have a headache and go back to the <span class="pageNum" id="pb75">[<a href="#pb75">75</a>]</span>Ritz, where men are Americans.” Because Dorothy said that the society of a gentleman
+like Sir Francis Beekman was to great a price to pay for a couple of rounds of champagne
+cocktails. But I told Dorothy that I always believe that there is nothing like trying
+and I think it would be nice for an American girl like I to educate an English gentleman
+like Piggie, as I call Sir Francis Beekman.
+</p>
+<p>So then we went back to the table and I almost have to admit that Dorothy is in the
+right about Piggie because he really likes to talk quite a lot and he is always talking
+about a friend of his who was quite a famous King in London called King Edward. So
+Piggie said he would never never forget the jokes King Edward was always saying and
+he would never forget one time they were all on a yacht and they were all sitting
+at a table and King Edward got up and said “I don’t care what you gentlemen do—I’m
+going to smoke a cigar.” So then Piggie laughed very, very loud. So of course I laughed
+very, very loud and I told Piggie he was wonderful the way he could tell jokes. I
+mean you can always tell when to laugh because Piggie always laughs first.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb76">[<a href="#pb76">76</a>]</span></p>
+<p>So in the afternoon a lot of lady friends of Mrs. Weeks heard about me buying the
+diamond tiara and called us up and asked us to their house to tea so Dorothy and I
+went and we took a gentleman Dorothy met in the lobby who is very, very good looking
+but he is only an English ballroom dancer in a cafe when he has a job.
+</p>
+<p>So we went to tea to a lady’s house called Lady Elmsworth and what she has to sell
+we Americans seems to be a picture of her father painted in oil paint who she said
+was a whistler. But I told her my own father was a whistler and used to whistle all
+of the time and I did not even have a picture of him but every time he used to go
+to Little Rock I asked him to go to the photographers but he did not go.
+</p>
+<p>So then we met a lady called Lady Chizzleby that wanted us to go to her house to tea
+but we told her that we really did not want to buy anything. But she said that she
+did not have anything to sell but she wanted to borrow five pounds. So we did not
+go and I am really glad that Mr. Eisman did not come to London as all the English
+ladys would ask him to tea and he would have a <span class="pageNum" id="pb77">[<a href="#pb77">77</a>]</span>whole ship load of shell flowers and dogs and anteek pictures that do nobody any good.
+</p>
+<p>So last night Piggie and I and Dorothy and the dancer who is called Gerald went to
+the Kit Kat Club as Gerald had nothing better to do because he is out of a job. So
+Dorothy and I had quite a little quarrel because I told Dorothy that she was wasting
+quite a lot of time going with any gentleman who is out of a job but Dorothy is always
+getting to really like somebody and she will never learn how to act. I mean I always
+seem to think that when a girl really enjoys being with a gentleman, it puts her to
+quite a disadvantage and no real good can come of it.
+</p>
+<p>Well tonight is going to be quite a night because Major Falcon is going to take Dorothy
+and I to a dance at a lady’s house tonight to meet the Prince of Wales. And now I
+must get ready to see Piggie because he and I seem to be getting to be quite good
+friends even if he has not sent me any flowers yet.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 19th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Last night we really met the Prince of Wales. I mean Major Falcon called for <span class="pageNum" id="pb78">[<a href="#pb78">78</a>]</span>Dorothy and I at eleven and took us to a ladys house where the lady was having a party.
+The Prince of Wales is really wonderful. I mean even if he was not a prince he would
+be wonderful, because even if he was not a prince, he would be able to make his living
+playing the ukelele, if he had a little more practice. So the lady came up to me and
+told me that the Prince of Wales would like to meet me, so she gave us an introduction
+to one another and I was very very thrilled when he asked me for a dance. So I decided
+I would write down every word he said to me in my diary so I could always go back
+and read it over and over when I am really old. So then we started to dance and I
+asked him if he was still able to be fond of horses, and he said he was. So after
+our dance was all over he asked Dorothy for a dance but Dorothy will never learn how
+to act in front of a prince. Because she handed me her fan and she said “Hold this
+while I slip a new page into English <span class="sic" title="Correction: history">histry</span>,” right in front of the Prince of Wales. So I was very very worried while Dorothy
+was dancing with the Prince of Wales because she talked to the Prince of Wales all
+the time and when she <span class="pageNum" id="pb79">[<a href="#pb79">79</a>]</span>got through the Prince of Wales wrote some of the slang words she is always saying
+on his cuff, so if he tells the Queen some day to be ‘a good Elk’ or some other slang
+word Dorothy is always saying, the Queen will really blame me for bringing such a
+girl into English society. So when Dorothy came back we had quite a little quarrel
+because Dorothy said that since I met the Prince of Wales I was becoming too English.
+But really, I mean to say, I often remember papa back in Arkansas and he often used
+to say that his grandpa came from a place in England called Australia, so really,
+I mean to say, it is no wonder that the English seems to come out of me sometimes.
+Because if a girl seems to <span class="pageNum" id="pb80">[<a href="#pb80">80</a>]</span>have an English accent I really think it is quite jolly.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p079width"><img src="images/p079.jpg" alt="“So I asked the prince if he was still able to be fond of horses.”" width="538" height="274"><p class="figureHead">“<i>So I asked the prince if he was still able to be fond of horses.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 20th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Yesterday afternoon I really thought I ought to begin to educate Piggie how to act
+with a girl like American gentlemen act with a girl. So I asked him to come up to
+have tea in our sitting room in the hotel because I had quite a headache. I mean I
+really look quite cute in my pink negligay. So I sent out a <span class="sic" title="Correction: bellhop">bell hop</span> friend of Dorothy and I who is quite a nice boy who is called Harry and who we talk
+to quite a lot. So I gave Harry ten pounds of English money and I told him to go to
+the most expensive florist and to buy some very very expensive orchids for 10 pounds
+and to bring them to our sitting room at fifteen minutes past five and not to say
+a word but to say they were for me. So Piggie came to tea and we were having tea when
+Harry came in and he did not say a word but he gave me a quite large box and he said
+it was for me. So I opened the box and sure enough they were a dozen very very beautiful
+orchids. So I looked for a card, but of course there was no card so I grabbed <span class="pageNum" id="pb81">[<a href="#pb81">81</a>]</span>Piggie and I said I would have to give him quite a large hug because it must have
+been him. But he said it was not him. But I said it must be him because I said that
+there was only one gentleman in London who was so sweet and generous and had such
+a large heart to send a girl one dozen orchids like him. So he still said it was not
+him. But I said I knew it was him, because there was not a gentleman in London so
+really marvelous and so wonderful and such a marvelous gentleman to send a girl one
+dozen orchids every day as him. So I really had to apologize for giving him such a
+large hug but I told him I was so full of impulses that when I knew he was going to
+send me one dozen orchids every day I became so impulsive I could not help it!
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p081width"><img src="images/p081.jpg" alt="“I said I would have to give him quite a large hug.”" width="540" height="275"><p class="figureHead">“<i>I said I would have to give him quite a large hug.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb82">[<a href="#pb82">82</a>]</span></p>
+<p>So then Dorothy and Gerald came in and I told them all about what a wonderful gentleman
+Piggie turned out to be and I told them when a gentleman sent a girl one dozen orchids
+every day he really reminded me of a prince. So Piggie blushed quite a lot and he
+was really very very pleased and he did not say any more that it was not him. So then
+I started to make a fuss over him and I told him he would have to look out because
+he was really so good looking and I was so full of impulses that I might even lose
+my mind some time and give him a kiss. So Piggie really felt very very good to be
+such a good looking gentleman. So he could not help blushing all the time and he could
+not help grinning all the time from one ear to another. So he asked us all to dinner
+and then he and Gerald went to change their clothes for dinner. So Dorothy and I had
+quite a little quarrel after they went because Dorothy asked me which one of the Jesse
+James brothers was my father. But I told her I was not so unrefined that I would waste
+my time with any gentleman who was only a ballroom dancer when he had a job. So Dorothy
+said Gerald was a gentleman because he wrote <span class="pageNum" id="pb83">[<a href="#pb83">83</a>]</span>her a note and it had a crest. So I told her to try and eat it. So then we had to
+get dressed.
+</p>
+<p>So this morning Harry, the boy friend of ours who is the bell hop, waked me up at
+ten o’clock because he had a box of one dozen orchids from Piggie. So by the time
+Piggie pays for a few dozen orchids, the diamond tiara will really seem like quite
+a bargain. Because I always think that spending money is only just a habit and if
+you get a gentleman started on buying one dozen orchids at a time he really gets very
+good habits.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 21st</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well, yesterday afternoon I took Piggie shopping on a street called Bond Street. So
+I took him to a <span class="sic" title="Correction: jewelry">jewelery</span> store because I told him I had to have a silver picture frame because I had to have
+a picture of him to go in it. Because I told Piggie that when a girl gets to know
+such a good looking gentleman as him she really wants to have a picture of him on
+her dressing table where she can look at it a lot. So Piggie became quite <span class="sic" title="Correction: intrigued">intreeged</span>. So we looked at all the silver picture frames. But then I told him that I really
+did not think <span class="pageNum" id="pb84">[<a href="#pb84">84</a>]</span>a silver picture frame was good enough for a picture of him because I forgot that
+they had gold picture frames until I saw them. So then we started to look at the gold
+picture frames. So then it came out that his picture was taken in his <span class="sic" title="Correction: uniform">unaform</span>. So I said he must be so good looking in his <span class="sic" title="Correction: uniform">unaform</span> that I really did not think even the gold picture frames were good enough but they
+did not have any platinum picture frames so we had to buy the best one we could.
+</p>
+<p>So then I asked him if he could put on his <span class="sic" title="Correction: uniform">unaform</span> tomorrow because I would love to see him in his <span class="sic" title="Correction: uniform">unaform</span> and we could go to tea at Mrs. Weeks. So he really became very pleased because he
+grinned quite a lot and he said that he would. So then I said that poor little I would
+really look like nothing at all to be going out with him in his <span class="sic" title="Correction: gorgeous">georgous</span> <span class="sic" title="Correction: uniform">unaform</span>. So then we started to look at some bracelets but a lady friend of his who is quite
+friendly with his wife, who is in their country house in the country, came in to the
+store, so Piggie became quite nervous to be caught in a <span class="sic" title="Correction: jewelry">jewelery</span> store where he has not been for years and years, so we had to go out.
+</p>
+<p>This morning Gerald called up Dorothy <span class="pageNum" id="pb85">[<a href="#pb85">85</a>]</span>and he said that day after tomorrow they are having a theatrical garden party to sell
+things to people for charity so he asked if Dorothy and I would be one of the ones
+who sells things to people for charity. So we said we would.
+</p>
+<p>So now I must telephone Mrs. Weeks and say I will bring Sir Francis Beekman to tea
+tomorrow and I hope it all comes out all right. But I really wish Piggie would not
+tell so many <span class="sic" title="Correction: stories">storys</span>. I mean I do not mind a gentleman when he tells a great many <span class="sic" title="Correction: stories">storys</span> if they are new, but a gentleman who tells a great many <span class="sic" title="Correction: stories">storys</span> and they are all the same <span class="sic" title="Correction: stories">storys</span> is quite enervating. I mean London is really so uneducational that all I seem to
+be learning is some of <span class="sic" title="Correction: Piggie’s">Piggies</span> <span class="sic" title="Correction: stories">storys</span> and I even want to forget them. So I am really becoming jolly well fed up with London.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 22nd</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Yesterday Piggie came in his <span class="sic" title="Correction: uniform">unaform</span> but he was really quite upset because he had a letter. I mean his wife is coming
+to London because she always comes to London every year to get her old clothes made
+over as she has a girl who does it very very cheap. <span class="pageNum" id="pb86">[<a href="#pb86">86</a>]</span>So she is going to stay with the lady who saw us in the <span class="sic" title="Correction: jewelry">jewelery</span> store, because it always saves money to stay with a friend. So I wanted to cheer
+Piggie up so I told him that I did not think the lady saw us and if she did see us,
+she really could not believe her eyes to see him in a <span class="sic" title="Correction: jewelry">jewelery</span> store. But I did not tell him that I think that Dorothy and I had better go to Paris
+soon. Because, after all, Piggie’s society is beginning to tell on a girls nerves.
+But I really made Piggie feel quite good about his <span class="sic" title="Correction: uniform">unaform</span> because I told him I only felt fit to be with him in a diamond tiara. So then I told
+him that, even if his wife was in London, we could still be friends, because I could
+not help but admire him even if his wife was in London and I told him I really thought
+a thing like that was nearly always the result of fate. So then we went to tea at
+Mrs. Weeks. So Piggie arranged with Mrs. Weeks to pay her for the diamond tiara and
+she nearly fell dead but she will keep it a secret because no one would believe it
+anyway. So now I have the diamond tiara and I have to admit that everything always
+turns out for the best. But I promised Piggie that I would always stay in <span class="pageNum" id="pb87">[<a href="#pb87">87</a>]</span>London and we would always be friendly. Because Piggie always says that I am the only
+one who admires him for what he really is.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p087width"><img src="images/p087.jpg" alt="“So I promised Piggie that I would always stay in London.”" width="539" height="272"><p class="figureHead">“<i>So I promised Piggie that I would always stay in London.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 25th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well, we were so busy the last days I did not have time to write in my diary because
+now we are on a ship that seems to be quite a small ship to be sailing to Paris and
+we will be at Paris this afternoon. Because it does not take nearly so long to come
+to Paris as it does to come to London. I mean it seems quite unusual to think that
+it takes 6 days to come to London and only one day to come to Paris.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb88">[<a href="#pb88">88</a>]</span></p>
+<p>So Dorothy is quite upset because she did not want to come as she is madly in love
+with Gerald and Gerald said that we really ought not to leave London without going
+to see England while we happened to be here. But I told him that if England was the
+same kind of a place that London seems to be, I really know <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> much to bother with such a place. I mean we had quite a little quarrel because Gerald
+showed up at the station with a bangle for Dorothy so I told Dorothy she was well
+rid of such a person. So Dorothy had to come with me because Mr. Eisman is paying
+her expenses because he wants Dorothy to be my chaperone.
+</p>
+<p>So the last thing in London was the garden party. I sold quite a lot of red <span class="sic" title="Correction: balloons">baloons</span> and I sold a red <span class="sic" title="Correction: balloons">baloon</span> to Harry Lauder the famous Scotch gentleman who is the famous Scotch tenor for 20
+pounds. So Dorothy said I did not need to buy any ticket to Paris on the boat because
+if I could do that, I could walk across the channel.
+</p>
+<p>So Piggy does not know that we have gone but I sent him a letter and told him I would
+see him some time again some time. And I was really glad to get out of our rooms at
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb89">[<a href="#pb89">89</a>]</span>the Ritz—I mean 50 or 60 orchids really make a girl think of a funeral. So I cabled
+Mr. Eisman and I told him we could not learn anything in London because we knew to
+much, so if we went to Paris at least we could learn French, if we made up our mind
+to it.
+</p>
+<p>So I am really very very <span class="sic" title="Correction: intrigued">intreeged</span> as I have heard so much about Paris and I feel that it must be much more educational
+than London and I can hardly wait to see the Ritz hotel in Paris.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb93">[<a href="#pb93">93</a>]</span></p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div id="ch4" class="div1 chapter"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#xd31e279">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divHead">
+<h2 class="label">CHAPTER FOUR</h2>
+<h2 class="main">PARIS IS DEVINE</h2>
+</div>
+<div class="divBody">
+<p class="first dateentry"><i>April 27th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Paris is devine. I mean Dorothy and I got to Paris yesterday, and it really is devine.
+Because the French are devine. Because when we were coming off the boat, and we were
+coming through the customs, it was quite hot and it seemed to smell quite a lot and
+all the French gentlemen in the customs, were squealing quite a lot. So I looked around
+and I picked out a French gentleman who was really in a very gorgeous uniform and
+he seemed to be a very, very important gentleman and I gave him twenty francs worth
+of French money and he was very very gallant and he knocked everybody else down and
+took our bags right through the custom. Because I really think that twenty Francs
+is quite cheap for a gentleman that has got on at least $100 worth of gold braid on
+his coat alone, to speak nothing of his trousers.
+</p>
+<p>I mean the French gentlemen always seem <span class="pageNum" id="pb94">[<a href="#pb94">94</a>]</span>to be squealing quite a lot, especially taxi drivers when they only get a small size
+yellow dime called a ‘fifty santeems’ for a tip. But the good thing about French gentlemen
+is that every time a French gentleman starts in to squeal, you can always stop him
+with five francs, no matter who he is. I mean it is so refreshing to listen to a French
+gentleman stop squeaking, that it would really be quite a bargain even for ten francs.
+</p>
+<p>So we came to the Ritz Hotel and the Ritz Hotel is devine. Because when a girl can
+sit in a delightful bar and have delicious champagne cocktails and look at all the
+important French people in Paris, I think it is devine. I mean when a girl can sit
+there and look at the Dolly sisters and Pearl White and Maybelle Gilman Corey, and
+Mrs. Nash, it is beyond worlds. Because when a girl looks at Mrs. Nash and realizes
+what Mrs. Nash has got out of gentlemen, it really makes a girl hold her breath.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p095width"><img src="images/p095.jpg" alt="“If you turn your back on a monument and look up, you can see none other than Coty’s sign!”" width="537" height="273"><p class="figureHead">“<i>If you turn your back on a monument and look up, you can see none other than Coty’s
+sign!</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>And when a girl walks around and reads all of the signs with all of the famous historical
+names it really makes you hold your breath. Because when Dorothy and I went on a walk,
+we only walked a few blocks <span class="pageNum" id="pb95">[<a href="#pb95">95</a>]</span>but in only a few blocks we read all of the famous historical names, like Coty and
+Cartier and I knew we were seeing something educational at last and our whole trip
+was not a failure. I mean I really try to make Dorothy get educated and have reverance.
+So when we stood at the corner of a place called the Place Vandome, if you turn your
+back on a monument they have in the middle and look up, you can see none other than
+Coty’s sign. So I said to Dorothy, does it not really give you a thrill to realize
+that that is the historical spot where Mr. Coty makes all the perfume? So then Dorothy
+said that she supposed Mr. Coty came to Paris and he smelled Paris and he realized
+that something had to <span class="pageNum" id="pb96">[<a href="#pb96">96</a>]</span>be done. So Dorothy will really never have any reverance.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p096width"><img src="images/p096.jpg" alt="“It really seemed to be a bargain but Dorothy and I do not seem to be mathematical enough to tell how much franks is in money.”" width="535" height="272"><p class="figureHead">“<i>It really seemed to be a bargain but Dorothy and I do not seem to be mathematical
+enough to tell how much franks is in money.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>So then we saw a jewelry store and we saw some jewelry in the window and it really
+seemed to be a very very great bargain but the price marks all had francs on them
+and Dorothy and I do not seem to be mathematical enough to tell how much francs is
+in money. So we went in and asked and it seems it was only 20 dollars and it seems
+it is not diamonds but it is a thing called “paste” which is the name of a word which
+means imitations. So Dorothy said “paste” is the name of the word a girl ought to
+do to a gentleman that handed her one. I mean I <span class="pageNum" id="pb97">[<a href="#pb97">97</a>]</span>would really be embarrassed, but the gentleman did not seem to understand Dorothy’s
+english.
+</p>
+<p>So it really makes a girl feel depressed to think a girl could not tell that it was
+nothing but an imitation. I mean a gentleman could deceeve a girl because he could
+give her a present and it would only be worth 20 dollars. So when Mr. Eisman comes
+to Paris next week, if he wants to make me a present I will make him take me along
+with him because he is really quite an inveteran bargain hunter at heart. So the gentleman
+at the jewelry store said that quite a lot of famous girls in Paris had imitations
+of all their jewelry and they put the jewelry in the safe and they really wore the
+imitations, so they could wear it and have a good time. But I told him I thought that
+any girl who was a lady would not even think of having such a good time that she did
+not remember to hang on to her jewelry.
+</p>
+<p>So then we went back to the Ritz and unpacked our trunks with the aid of really a
+delightful waiter who brought us up some delicious luncheon and who is called Leon
+and who speaks english almost like an American <span class="pageNum" id="pb98">[<a href="#pb98">98</a>]</span>and who Dorothy and I talk to quite a lot. So Leon said that we ought not to stay
+around the Ritz all of the time, but we really ought to see Paris. So Dorothy said
+she would go down in the lobby and meet some gentleman to show us Paris. So in a couple
+of minutes she called up on the telephone from the lobby and she said “I have got
+a French bird down here who is a French title nobleman, who is called a veecount so
+come on down.” So I said “How did a Frenchman get into the Ritz.” So Dorothy said
+“He came in to get out of the rain and he has not noticed that it is stopped.” So
+I said “I suppose you have picked up something without taxi fare as usual. Why did
+you not get an American gentleman who always have money?” So Dorothy said she thought
+a French gentleman had ought to know Paris better. So I said “He does not even know
+it is not raining.” But I went down.
+</p>
+<p>So the veecount was really delightful after all. So then we rode around and we saw
+Paris and we saw how devine it really is. I mean the Eyefull Tower is devine and it
+is much more educational than the London Tower, because you can not even see the London
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb99">[<a href="#pb99">99</a>]</span>Tower if you happen to be two blocks away. But when a girl looks at the Eyefull Tower
+she really knows she is looking at something. And it would even be very difficult
+not to notice the Eyefull Tower.
+</p>
+<p>So then we went to a place called the Madrid to tea and it really was devine. I mean
+we saw the Dolley Sisters and Pearl White and Mrs. Corey and Mrs. Nash all over again.
+</p>
+<p>So then we went to dinner and then we went to Momart and it really was devine because
+we saw them all over again. I mean in Momart they have genuine American jazz bands
+and quite a lot of New York people which we knew and you really would think you were
+in New York and it was devine. So we came back to the Ritz quite late. So Dorothy
+and I had quite a little quarrel because Dorothy said that when we were looking at
+Paris I asked the French veecount what was the name of the unknown soldier who is
+buried under quite a large monument. So I said I really did not mean to ask him, if
+I did, because what I did mean to ask him was, what was the name of his mother <span class="pageNum" id="pb100">[<a href="#pb100">100</a>]</span>because it is always the mother of a dead soldier that I always seem to think about
+more than the dead soldier that has died.
+</p>
+<p>So the French veecount is going to call up in the morning but I am not going to see
+him again. Because French gentlemen are really quite deceeving. I mean they take you
+to quite cute places and they make you feel quite good about yourself and you really
+seem to have a delightful time but when you get home and come to think it all over,
+all you have got is a fan that only cost 20 francs and a doll that they gave you away
+for nothing in a restaurant. I mean a girl has to look out in Paris, or she would
+have such a good time in Paris that she would not get anywheres. So I really think
+that American gentlemen are the best after all, because kissing your hand may make
+you feel very very good but a diamond and safire bracelet lasts forever. Besides,
+I do not think that I ought to go out with any gentlemen in Paris because Mr. Eisman
+will be here next week and he told me that the only kind of gentlemen he wants me
+to go out with are intelectual gentlemen who are good for a girls brains. So I really
+do not seem to see many <span class="pageNum" id="pb102">[<a href="#pb102">102</a>]</span>gentlemen around the Ritz who seem to look like they would be good for a girl’s brains.
+So tomorrow we are going to go shopping and I suppose it would really be to much to
+expect to find a gentleman who would look to Mr. Eisman like he was good for a girls
+brains and at the same time he would like to take us shopping.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p101width"><img src="images/p101.jpg" alt="“Kissing your hand may make you feel very good but a diamond bracelet lasts forever.”" width="370" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>Kissing your hand may make you feel very good but a diamond bracelet lasts forever.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 29th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Yesterday was quite a day. I mean Dorothy and I were getting ready to go shopping
+and the telephone rang and they said that Lady Francis Beekman was down stairs and
+she wanted to come up stairs. So I really was quite surprised. I mean I did not know
+what to say, so I said all right. So then I told Dorothy and then we put our brains
+together. Because it seems that Lady Francis Beekman is the wife of the gentleman
+called Sir Francis Beekman who was the admirer of mine in London who seemed to admire
+me so much that he asked me if he could make me a present of a diamond tiara. So it
+seemed as if his wife must have heard about it, and it really seemed as if she must
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb103">[<a href="#pb103">103</a>]</span>have come clear over from London about it. So there was a very very loud knock at
+the door so we asked her to come in. So Lady Francis Beekman came in and she is a
+quite large size lady who seems to resemble Bill Hart quite a lot. I mean Dorothy
+thinks that Lady Francis Beeckman resembles Bill Hart quite a lot, only she really
+thinks she looks more like Bill Hart’s horse. So it seems that she said that if I
+did not give her back the diamond tiara right away, she would make quite a fuss and
+she would ruin my reputation. Because she said that something really must be wrong
+about the whole thing. Because it seems that Sir Francis Beekman and she have been
+married for 35 years and the last present he gave to her was a wedding ring. So Dorothy
+spoke up and she said “Lady you could no more ruin my girl friends reputation than
+you could sink the Jewish fleet.” I mean I was quite proud of Dorothy the way she
+stood up for my reputation. Because I really think that there is nothing so wonderful
+as two girls when they stand up for each other and help each other a lot. Because
+no matter how vigarous Lady Francis Beekman seems to be, she had to realize that she
+could not <span class="pageNum" id="pb104">[<a href="#pb104">104</a>]</span>sink a whole fleet full of ships. So she had to stop talking against my reputation.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p104width"><img src="images/p104.jpg" alt="“Dorothy said ‘You have got to be the Queen of England to get away with a hat like that.’”" width="544" height="276"><p class="figureHead">“<i>Dorothy said ‘You have got to be the Queen of England to get away with a hat like
+that.’</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>So then she said she would drag it into the court and she would say that it was undue
+influence. So I said to her, “If you wear that hat into a court, we will see if the
+judge thinks it took an undue influence to make Sir Francis Beekman look at a girl.”
+So then Dorothy spoke up and Dorothy said “My girl friend is right, Lady. You have
+got to be the Queen of England to get away with a hat like that.” So Lady Francis
+Beekman seemed to get quite angry. So then she said she would send for Sir Francis
+Beekman where he suddenly went to Scotland, to go hunting when he found out that Lady
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb105">[<a href="#pb105">105</a>]</span>Francis Beekman had found out. So Dorothy said “Do you mean that you have left Sir
+Francis Beekman loose with all those spendthrifts down in Scotland?” So Dorothy said
+she would better look out or he would get together with the boys some night and simply
+massacre a haypenny. I mean I always encouradge Dorothy to talk quite a lot when we
+are talking to unrefined people like Lady Francis Beekman, because Dorothy speaks
+their own languadge to unrefined people better than a refined girl like I. So Dorothy
+said, “You had better not send for Sir Francis Beekman because if my girl friend really
+wanted to turn loose on Sir Francis Beekman, all he would have left would be his title.”
+So then I spoke right up and said Yes that I was an American girl and we American
+girls do not care about a title because we American girls always say that what is
+good enough for Washington is good enough for us. So Lady Francis Beekman really seemed
+to get more angry and more angry all of the time.
+</p>
+<p>So then she said that if it was necessary, she would tell the judge that Sir Francis
+Beekman went out of his mind when he gave <span class="pageNum" id="pb106">[<a href="#pb106">106</a>]</span>it to me. So Dorothy said “Lady, if you go into a court and if the judge gets a good
+look at you, he will think that Sir Francis Beekman was out of his mind 35 years ago.”
+So then Lady Francis Beekman said she knew what kind of a person she had to deal with
+and she would not deal with any such a person because she said it hurt her dignity.
+So Dorothy said “Lady, if we hurt your dignity like you hurt our eyesight I hope for
+your sake, you are a Christian science.” So that seemed to make Lady Francis Beekman
+angry. So she said she would turn it all over to her soliciter. So when she went out
+she tripped over quite a long train which she had on her skirt and she nearly fell
+down. So Dorothy leaned out of the door and Dorothy called down the hall and said,
+“Take a tuck in that skirt Isabel, its 1925.” So I really felt quite depressed because
+I felt as if our whole morning was really very unrefined just because we had to mix
+with such an unrefined lady as Lady Francis Beekman.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>April 30th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>So sure enough yesterday morning Lady Francis Beekman’s solicitor came. Only he <span class="pageNum" id="pb107">[<a href="#pb107">107</a>]</span>really was not a solicitor, but his name was on a card and it seems his name is Mons.
+Broussard and it seems that he is an advocat because an advocat is a lawyer in the
+French <span class="sic" title="Correction: language">landguage</span>. So Dorothy and I were getting dressed and we were in our <span class="sic" title="Correction: negligee">negligay</span> as usual when there was quite a loud knock on the door and before we could even say
+come in he jumped right into the room. So it seems that he is of French extraction.
+I mean Lady Francis Beekman’s solicitor can really squeal just like a taxi driver.
+I mean he was squealing quite loud when he jumped into the room and he kept right
+on squealing. So Dorothy and I rushed into the parlor and Dorothy looked at him and
+Dorothy said, “This town has got to stop playing jokes on us every morning” because
+our nerves could not stand it. So Mons. Broussard handed us his card and he squealed
+and squealed and he really waved his arms in the air quite a lot. So Dorothy said
+He gives quite a good imitation of the Moulan Rouge, which is really a red wind mill,
+only Dorothy said he makes more noise and he runs on his own wind. So we stood and
+watched him for quite a long while, but he seemed to get quite monotonous <span class="pageNum" id="pb108">[<a href="#pb108">108</a>]</span>after quite a long while because he was always talking in French, which really means
+nothing to us. So Dorothy said “Lets see if 25 francs will stop him, because if 5
+francs will stop a taxi driver, 25 francs ought to stop an advocat.” Because he was
+making about 5 times as much noise as a taxi driver and 5 times 5 is 25. So as soon
+as he heard us start in to talk about francs he seemed to calm down quite a little.
+So Dorothy got her pocket book and she gave him 25 francs. So then he stopped squealing
+and he put it in his pocket, but then he got out quite a large size handkerchief with
+purple elefants on it and he started in to cry. So Dorothy really got discouraged
+and she said<span class="corr" id="xd31e1033" title="Source: .">,</span> “Look here, you have given us a quite an amusing morning but if you keep that up
+much longer, wet or dry, out you go.”
+</p>
+<p>So then he started in to pointing at the telephone and he seemed to want to use the
+telephone and Dorothy said, “If you think you can get a number over that thing, go
+to it, but as far as we have found out, it is a wall bracket.” So then he started
+in to telephone so Dorothy and I went about our business to get dressed. So when he
+finished telephoning <span class="pageNum" id="pb109">[<a href="#pb109">109</a>]</span>he kept running to my door and then he kept running to Dorothy’s door, and he kept
+on crying and talking a lot, but he seemed to have lost all of his novelty to us so
+we paid no more attention to him.
+</p>
+<p>So finally there was another loud knock on the door so we heard him rush to the door
+so we both went in to the parlor to see what it was and it really was a sight. Because
+it was another Frenchman. So the new Frenchman rushed in and he yelled Papa and he
+kissed him. So it seems that it was his son because his son is really his papa’s partner
+in the advocat business. So then his papa talked quite a lot and then he pointed at
+I and Dorothy. So then his son looked at us and then his son let out quite a large
+size squeal, and he said in French “May papa, elles sont sharmant.” So it seems he
+was telling his papa in French that we were really charming. So then Mons. Broussard
+stopped crying and put on his glasses and took a good look at us. So then his son
+put up the window shade, so his papa could get a better look at us. So when his papa
+had finished looking at us he really became delighted. So he became all smiles and
+he pinched our cheeks <span class="pageNum" id="pb110">[<a href="#pb110">110</a>]</span>and he kept on saying Sharmant all of the time because Sharmant means charming in
+the French languadge. So then his son broke right out into english and he really speaks
+english as good as an American. So then he told us his papa telephoned for him to
+come over because we did not seem to understand what his papa was saying to us. So
+it seems that Mons. Broussard had been talking to us in english all of the time but
+we did not seem to understand his kind of english. So Dorothy said, “If what your
+papa was talking in was english, I could get a gold medal for my greek.” So then his
+son told his papa and his papa laughed very very loud and he pinched Dorothys cheek
+and he was very delighted even if the joke was on him. So then Dorothy and I asked
+his son what he was saying, when he was talking to us in english and his son said
+he was telling us all about his client, Lady Francis Beekman. So then we asked his
+son why his papa kept crying. So then his son said his papa kept crying because he
+was thinking about Lady Francis Beekman. So Dorothy said, “If he cries when he thinks
+about her, what does he do when he looks at her?” So <span class="pageNum" id="pb111">[<a href="#pb111">111</a>]</span>then his son explained to his papa what Dorothy said. So then Mons. Broussard laughed
+very very loud, so then he kissed Dorothy’s hand, so he said, after that, we would
+all really have to have a bottle of champagne. So he went to the telephone and ordered
+a bottle of champagne.
+</p>
+<p>So then his son said to his papa, “Why do we not ask the charming ladies to go out
+to Fountainblo to-day.” So his papa said it would be charming. So then I said, “How
+are we going to tell you gentlemen apart, because if it is the same in Paris as it
+is in America, you would both seem to be Monshure Broussard.<span class="corr" id="xd31e1048" title="Not in source">”</span> So then we got the idea to call them by their first name. So it seems that his son’s
+name is Louie so Dorothy spoke up and said, “I hear that they number all of you Louies
+over here in Paris.” Because a girl is always hearing some one talk about Louie the
+sixteenth who seemed to be in the anteek furniture business. I mean I was surprised
+to hear Dorothy get so historical so she may really be getting educated in spite of
+everything. But Dorothy told Louie he need not try to figure out his number because
+she got it the minute she looked at him. So it seems <span class="pageNum" id="pb112">[<a href="#pb112">112</a>]</span>his papa’s name is Robber, which means Robert in French. So Dorothy started in to
+think about her 25 francs and she said to Robber, “Your mother certainly knew her
+<span class="sic" title="Correction: grammar">grammer</span> when she called you that.”
+</p>
+<p>So Dorothy said we might as well go out to Fountainblo with Louie and Robber if Louie
+would take off his yellow spats that were made out of yellow shammy skin with pink
+pearl buttons. Because Dorothy said, “Fun is fun but no girl wants to laugh all of
+the time.” So Louie is really always anxious to please, so he took off his spats but
+when he took off his spats, we saw his socks and when we saw his socks we saw that
+they were Scotch plaid with small size rainbows running through them. So Dorothy looked
+at them a little while and she really became quite discouraged and she said, “Well
+Louie, I think you had better put your spats back on.”
+</p>
+<p>So then Leon, our friend who is the waiter, came in with the bottle of champagne.
+So while he was opening the bottle of champagne Louie and Robber talked together in
+French quite a lot and I really think I had ought to find out what they said in French
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb113">[<a href="#pb113">113</a>]</span>because it might be about the diamond tiara. Because French gentlemen are very very
+gallant, but I really do not think a girl can trust one of them around a corner. So,
+when I get a chance, I am going to ask Leon what they said.
+</p>
+<p>So then we went to Fountainblo and then we went to Momart and we got home very late,
+and we really had quite a delightful day and night, even if we did not go out shopping
+and buy anything. But I really think we ought to do more shopping because shopping
+really seems to be what Paris is principaly for.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>May 1st</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well this morning I sent for Leon, who is Dorothy and my waiter friend, and I asked
+him what Louie and Robber said in French. So it seems that they said in French that
+we seemed to attract them very very much because they really thought that we were
+very very charming, and they had not met girls that were so charming in quite a long
+time. So it seems that they said that they would ask us out a lot and that they would
+charge up <span class="pageNum" id="pb114">[<a href="#pb114">114</a>]</span>all the bills to Lady Francis Beekman because they would watch for their chance and
+they would steal the diamond tiara. So then they said that even if they could not
+steal it from us, we were really so charming that it would be delightful to go around
+with us, even if they could not steal from us. So no matter what happens they really
+could not lose. Because it seems that Lady Francis Beekman would be glad to pay all
+the bills when they told her they had to take us out a lot so they could watch for
+their chance and steal it. Because Lady Francis Beekman is the kind of a wealthy lady
+that does not spend money on anything else but she will always spend money on a law
+suit. And she really would not mind spending the money because it seems that something
+either I or Dorothy said to Lady Francis Beekman seemed to make her angry.
+</p>
+<p>So then I decided it was time to do some thinking and I really thought quite a lot.
+So I told Dorothy I thought I would put the real diamond tiara in the safe at the
+Ritz and then I would buy an imitation of a diamond tiara at the jewelry store that
+has the imitations that are called paste. So then I would <span class="pageNum" id="pb115">[<a href="#pb115">115</a>]</span>leave the imitation of the diamond tiara lying around, so Louie and Robber could see
+how careless I seem to be with it so then they would get full of encouradgement. So
+when we go out with Louie and Robber I could put it in my hand bag and I could take
+it with me so Louie and Robber could always feel that the diamond tiara was within
+reach. So then Dorothy and I could get them to go shopping and we could get them to
+spend quite a lot and every time they seemed to get discouradged, I could open my
+hand bag, and let them get a glimpse of the imitation of a diamond tiara and they
+would become more encouradged and then they would spend some more money. Because I
+even might let them steal it at the last, because they were really charming gentlemen
+after all and I really would like to help Louie and Robber. I mean it would be quite
+amusing for them to steal it for Lady Francis Beekman and she would have to pay them
+quite a lot and then she would find out it was only made out of paste after all. Because
+Lady Francis Beekman has never seen the real diamond tiara and the imitation of a
+diamond tiara would really deceive her, at least until Louie <span class="pageNum" id="pb116">[<a href="#pb116">116</a>]</span>and Robber got all of their money for all of the hard work they did. I mean the imitation
+of a diamond tiara would only cost about 65 dollars and what is 65 dollars if Dorothy
+and I could do some delightful shopping and get some delightful presents that would
+even seem more delightful when we stopped to realize that Lady Francis Beekman paid
+for them. And it would teach Lady Francis Beekman a lesson not to say what she said
+to two American girls like I and Dorothy, who were all alone in Paris and had no gentleman
+to protect them.
+</p>
+<p>So when I got through telling Dorothy what I thought up, Dorothy looked at me and
+looked at me and she really said she thought my brains were a miracle. I mean she
+said my brains reminded her of a radio because you listen to it for days and days
+and you get discouradged and just when you are getting ready to smash it, something
+comes out that is a masterpiece.
+</p>
+<p>So then Louie called us up so Dorothy told him that we thought it would be delightful
+if he and Robber would take us out shopping tomorrow morning. So then Louie asked
+his papa and his papa said they would. So then <span class="pageNum" id="pb117">[<a href="#pb117">117</a>]</span>they asked us if we would like to go to see a play called The Foley Bergere tonight.
+So he said that all of the French people who live in Paris are always delighted to
+have some Americans, so it will give them an excuse to go to the Foley Bergere. So
+we said we would go. So now Dorothy and I are going out shopping to buy the imitation
+of a diamond tiara and we are going out window shopping to pick out where we would
+like Louie and Robber to take us shopping tomorrow.
+</p>
+<p>So I really think that everything always works out for the best. Because after all,
+we really need some gentlemen to take us around until Mr. Eisman gets to Paris and
+we could not go around with any really attractive gentlemen because Mr. Eisman only
+wants me to go out with gentlemen that have brains. So I said to Dorothy that, even
+if Louie and Robber do not look so full of brains, we could tell Mr. Eisman that all
+we were learning from them was French. So even if I have not seemed to learn French
+yet, I have really almost learned to understand Robbers english so when Robber talks
+in front of Mr. Eisman and I seem to understand <span class="pageNum" id="pb118">[<a href="#pb118">118</a>]</span>what he is saying, Mr. Eisman will probably think I know French.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>May 2nd</i>:
+</p>
+<p>So last night we went to the Foley Bergere and it really was <span class="sic" title="Correction: divine">devine</span>. I mean it was very very artistic because it had girls in it that were in the nude.
+So one of the girls was a friend of Louie and he said that she was a very very nice
+girl, and that she was only 18 years of age. So Dorothy said, “She is slipping it
+over on you Louie, because how could a girl get such dirty knees in only 18 years?”
+So Louie and Robber really laughed very very loud. I mean Dorothy was very unrefined
+at the Foley Bergere. But I always think that when girls are in the nude it is very
+artistic and if you have artistic thoughts you think it is beautiful and I really
+would not laugh in an artistic place like the Foley Bergere.
+</p>
+<p>So I wore the imitation of a diamond tiara to the Foley Bergere. I mean it really
+would <span class="sic" title="Correction: deceive">deceeve</span> an expert and Louie and Robber could hardly take their eyes off of it. But they did
+not really annoy me because I had it tied on very very tight. I mean it would be <span class="pageNum" id="pb120">[<a href="#pb120">120</a>]</span>fatal if they got the diamond tiara before Dorothy and I took them shopping a lot.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p119width"><img src="images/p119.jpg" alt="“Dorothy was very unrefined at the Foley Bergere.”" width="368" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>Dorothy was very unrefined at the Foley Bergere.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>So we are all ready to go shopping this morning and Robber was here bright and early
+and he is in the parlor with Dorothy and we are waiting for Louie. So I left the daimond
+tiara on the table in the parlor so Robber could see how careless I really am with
+everything but Dorothy is keeping her eye on Robber. So I just heard Louie come in
+because I heard him kissing Robber. I mean Louie is always kissing Robber and Dorothy
+told Louie that if he did not stop kissing Robber, people would think that he painted
+batiks.
+</p>
+<p>So now I must join the others and I will put the diamond tiara in my hand bag so that
+Louie and Robber will feel that it is always around and we will all go shopping. And
+I almost have to smile when I think of Lady Francis Beekman.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>May 3rd</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Yesterday was really delightful. I mean Louie and Robber bought Dorothy and I some
+delightful presents. But then they began to run out of all the franks they had with
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb121">[<a href="#pb121">121</a>]</span>them, so they began to get discouradged but just as soon as they began to get discouradged,
+I gave Robber my hand bag to hold while I went to the fitting room to try on a blouse.
+So he was cheered up quite a lot, but of course Dorothy stayed with them and kept
+her eye on Robber so he did not get a chance. But it really cheered him up quite a
+lot to even hold it.
+</p>
+<p>So after all their franks were gone, Robber said he would have to telephone to some
+one, so I suppose he telephoned to Lady Francis Beekman and she must have said All
+right because Robber left us at a place called the Cafe de la Paix because he had
+to go on an errand and when he came back from his errand he seemed to have quite a
+lot more franks. So then they took us to luncheon so that after luncheon we could
+go out shopping some more.
+</p>
+<p>But I am really learning quite a lot of French in spite of everything. I mean if you
+want delicious chicken and peas for luncheon all you have to say is “pettypas” and
+<span class="corr" id="xd31e1119" title="Source: ‘">“</span>pulle.” I mean French is really very easy, for instance the French use the word “sheik”
+for everything, while we only seem to use it <span class="pageNum" id="pb122">[<a href="#pb122">122</a>]</span>for gentlemen when they seem to resemble Rudolf Valentino.
+</p>
+<p>So while we were shopping in the afternoon I saw Louie get Dorothy off in a corner
+and whisper to her quite a lot. So then I saw Robber get her off in a corner and whisper
+to her quite a lot. So when we got back to the Ritz, Dorothy told me why they whispered
+to her. So it seems when Louie whispered to Dorothy, Louie told Dorothy that if she
+would steal the diamond tiara from me and give it to him and not let his papa know,
+he would give her 1000 franks. Because it seems that Lady Francis Beekman has got
+her heart set on it and she will pay quite a lot for it because she is quite angry
+and when she really gets as angry as she is, she is only a woman with one idea. So
+if Louie could get it and his papa would not find it out, he could keep all the money
+for himself. So it seems that later on, when Robber was whispering to Dorothy, he
+was making her the same proposition for 2000 franks so that Louie would not find out
+and Robber could keep all the money for himself. So I really think it would be delightful
+if Dorothy could make some money for herself because it might make <span class="pageNum" id="pb123">[<a href="#pb123">123</a>]</span>Dorothy get some ambishions. So tomorrow morning Dorothy is going to take the diamond
+tiara and she is going to tell Louie that she stole it and she is going to sell it
+to Louie. But she will make him hand over the money first and then, just as she is
+going to hand over the diamond tiara, I am going to walk in on them and say, “Oh there
+is my diamond tiara. I have been looking for it everywhere.” So then I will get it
+back. So then she will tell him that she might just as well keep the 1000 franks because
+she will steal it for him again in the afternoon. So in the afternoon she is going
+to sell it to Robber and I really think we will let Robber keep it. Because I am quite
+fond of Robber. I mean he is quite a sweet old gentleman and it is really refreshing
+the way he and his son love one another. Because even if it is unusual for an American
+to see a French gentleman always kissing his father, I really think it is refreshing
+and I think that we Americans would be better off if we American fathers and sons
+would love one another more like Louie and Robber.
+</p>
+<p>So Dorothy and I have quite a lot of delightful hand bags and stockings and handkerchiefs
+and scarfs and things and some <span class="pageNum" id="pb124">[<a href="#pb124">124</a>]</span>quite cute models of evening gowns that are all covered with imitations of diamonds,
+only they do not call them “paste” when they are on a dress but they call them “diamonteys”
+and I really think a girl looks quite cute when she is covered all over with “diamonteys.”
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>May 5th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>So yesterday morning Dorothy sold the imitation of a diamond tiara to Louie. So then
+we got it back. So in the afternoon we all went out to Versigh. I mean Louie and Robber
+were quite delighted not to go shopping any more so I suppose that Lady Francis Beekman
+really thinks that there is a limit to almost everything. So I took Louie for a walk
+at Versigh so that Dorothy would have a chance to sell it to Robber. So then she sold
+it to Robber. So then he put it in his pocket. But when we were coming home I got
+to thinking things over and I really got to thinking that an imitation of a diamond
+tiara was quite a good thing to have after all. I mean especially if a girl goes around
+a lot in Paris, with admirers who are of the French extraction. And after all, I really
+do not think a girl ought to encouradge Robber to <span class="pageNum" id="pb125">[<a href="#pb125">125</a>]</span>steal something from two American girls who are all alone in Paris and have no gentleman
+to protect them. So I asked Dorothy which pocket Robber put it in, so I sat next to
+him in the automobile coming home and I took it out.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p125width"><img src="images/p125.jpg" alt="“So then Robber started in to squeal once more.”" width="535" height="272"><p class="figureHead">“<i>So then Robber started in to squeal once more.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>So we were in quite a quaint restaurant for dinner when Robber put his hand in his
+pocket and then he started in to squeal once more. So it seems he had lost something,
+so he and Louie had one of their regular squealing and shoulder shrugging matches.
+But Louie told his papa that he did not steal it out of his papa’s pocket. But then
+Robber started in to cry to think that his son would steal something out of his own
+papa’s pocket. <span class="pageNum" id="pb126">[<a href="#pb126">126</a>]</span>So after Dorothy and I had had about all we could stand, I told them all about it.
+I mean I really felt sorry for Robber so I told him not to cry any more because it
+was nothing but paste after all. So then I showed it to them. So then Louie and Robber
+looked at Dorothy and I and they really held their breath. So I suppose that most
+of the girls in Paris do not have such brains as we American girls.
+</p>
+<p>So after it was all over, Louie and Robber seemed to be so depressed that I really
+felt sorry for them. So I got an idea. So I told them that we would all go out tomorrow
+to the imitation of a jewelry store and they could buy another imitation of a diamond
+tiara to give to Lady Francis Beekman and they could get the man in the jewelry store
+to put on the bill that it was a hand bag and they could charge the bill to Lady Francis
+Beekman along with the other expenses. Because Lady Francis Beekman had never seen
+the real diamond tiara anyway. So Dorothy spoke up and Dorothy said that as far as
+Lady Francis Beekman would know about diamonds, you could nick off a piece of ice
+and give it to her, only it would melt. So <span class="pageNum" id="pb127">[<a href="#pb127">127</a>]</span>then Robber looked at me and looked at me, and he reached over and kissed me on the
+forehead in a way that was really full of reverance.
+</p>
+<p>So then we had quite a delightful evening. I mean because we all seem to understand
+one another because, after all, Dorothy and I could really have a platonick friendship
+with gentlemen like Louie and Robber. I mean there seems to be something common between
+us, especially when we all get to thinking about Lady Francis Beekman.
+</p>
+<p>So they are going to charge Lady Francis Beekman quite a lot of money when they give
+her the imitation of a diamond tiara and I told Robber if she seems to complane, to
+ask her, if she knew that Sir Francis Beekman sent me 10 pounds worth of orchids every
+day while we were in London. So that would make her so angry that she would be glad
+to pay almost anything to get the diamond tiara.
+</p>
+<p>So when Lady Francis Beekman pays them all the money, Louie and Robber are going to
+give us a dinner in our honor at Ciros. So when Mr. Eisman gets here on Saturday,
+Dorothy and I are going to make Mr. Eisman give Louie and Robber a dinner in their
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb128">[<a href="#pb128">128</a>]</span>honor at Ciros because of the way they helped us when we were two American girls all
+alone in Paris and could not even speak the French landguage.
+</p>
+<p>So Louie and Robber asked us to come to a party at their sister’s house today but
+Dorothy says we had better not go because it is raining and we both have brand new
+umbrellas that are quite cute and Dorothy says she would not think of leaving a brand
+new umbrella in a French lady’s hall and it is no fun to hang on to an umbrella all
+the time you are at a party. So we had better be on the safe side and stay away. So
+we called up Louie and told him we had a headache but we thanked him for all of his
+hospitality. Because it is the way all the French people like Louie and Robber are
+so hospitable to we Americans that really makes Paris so devine.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb131">[<a href="#pb131">131</a>]</span></p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div id="ch5" class="div1 chapter"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#xd31e289">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divHead">
+<h2 class="label">CHAPTER FIVE</h2>
+<h2 class="main">THE CENTRAL OF EUROPE</h2>
+</div>
+<div class="divBody">
+<p class="first dateentry"><i>May 16th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>I really have not written in my diary for quite a long time, because Mr. Eisman arrived
+in Paris and when Mr. Eisman is in Paris we really do not seem to do practically anything
+else but the same thing.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p131width"><img src="images/p131.jpg" alt="“When Mr. Eisman is in Paris we do not do anything else but the same thing.”" width="543" height="275"><p class="figureHead">“<i>When Mr. Eisman is in Paris we do not do anything else but the same thing.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>I mean we go shopping and we go to a show and we go to Momart and when a girl is always
+going with Mr. Eisman nothing practically happens. And I did not even bother to learn
+any more French because I <span class="pageNum" id="pb132">[<a href="#pb132">132</a>]</span>always seem to think it is better to leave French to those that can not do anything
+else but talk French. So finally Mr. Eisman seemed to lose quite a lot of interest
+in all of my shopping. So he heard about a button factory that was for sale quite
+cheaply in Vienna and as Mr. Eisman is in the button profession, he thought it would
+be a quite good thing to have a button factory in Vienna so he went to Vienna and
+he said he did not care if he did not ever see the rue de la Paix again. So he said
+if he thought Vienna would be good for a girl’s brains, he would send for Dorothy
+and I and we could meet him at Vienna and learn something. Because Mr. Eisman really
+wants me to get educated more than anything else, especially shopping.
+</p>
+<p>So now we have a telegram, and Mr. Eisman says in the telegram for Dorothy and I to
+take an oriental express because we really ought to see the central of Europe because
+we American girls have quite a lot to learn in the central of Europe. So Dorothy says
+if Mr. Eisman wants us to see the central of Europe she bets there is not a rue de
+la Paix in the whole central of Europe.
+</p>
+<p>So Dorothy and I are going to take an <span class="pageNum" id="pb133">[<a href="#pb133">133</a>]</span>oriental express tomorrow and I really think it is quite unusual for two American
+girls like I and Dorothy to take an oriental express all alone, because it seems that
+in the Central of Europe they talk some other kinds of <span class="sic" title="Correction: languages">landguages</span> which we do not understand besides French. But I always think that there is nearly
+always some gentleman who will protect two American girls like I and Dorothy who are
+all alone and who are traveling in the Central of Europe to get educated.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>May 17th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>So now we are on an oriental express and everything seems to be quite unusual. I mean
+Dorothy and I got up this morning and we looked out of the window of our compartment
+and it was really quite unusual. Because it was farms, and we saw quite a lot of girls
+who seemed to be putting small size hay stacks onto large size hay stacks while their
+husbands seemed to sit at a table under quite a shady tree and drink beer. Or else
+their husbands seemed to sit on a fence and smoke their pipe and watch them. So Dorothy
+and I looked at two girls who seemed to be ploughing up all of the ground with only
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb134">[<a href="#pb134">134</a>]</span>the aid of a cow and Dorothy said, “I think we girls have gone one step <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> far away from New York, because it begins to look to me as if the Central of Europe
+is no country for we girls.” So we both became quite worried. I mean I became quite
+depressed because if this is what Mr. Eisman thinks we American girls ought to learn
+I really think it is quite depressing. So I do not think we care to meet any gentlemen
+who have been born and raised in the Central of Europe. I mean the more I travel and
+the more I seem to see other gentlemen the more I seem to think of American gentlemen.
+</p>
+<p>So now I am going to get dressed and go to the dining car and look for some American
+gentleman and hold a conversation, because I really feel so depressed. I mean Dorothy
+keeps trying to depress me because she keeps saying that I will probably end up in
+a farm in the Central of Europe doing a sister act with a plough. Because Dorothy’s
+jokes are really very unrefined and I think that I will feel much better if I go to
+the dining car and have some luncheon.
+</p>
+<hr class="tb"><p>
+</p>
+<p>Well I went to the dining car and I met a <span class="pageNum" id="pb135">[<a href="#pb135">135</a>]</span>gentleman who was quite a delightful American gentleman, I mean it was quite a co-instance,
+because we girls have always heard about Henry Spoffard and it was really nobody else
+but the famous Henry Spoffard, who is the famous Spoffard family, who is a very very
+fine old family who is very very wealthy. I mean Mr. Spoffard is one of the most famous
+familys in New York and he is not like most gentlemen who are wealthy, but he works
+all of the time for the good of the others. I mean he is the gentleman who always
+gets his picture in all of the newspapers because he is always senshuring all of the
+plays that are not good for peoples morals. And all of we girls remember the time
+when he was in the Ritz for luncheon and he met a gentleman friend of his and the
+gentleman friend had Peggy Hopkins Joyce to luncheon and he introduced Peggy Hopkins
+Joyce to Mr. Spoffard and Mr. Spoffard turned on his heels and walked away. Because
+Mr. Spoffard is a very very famous Prespyterian and he is really much to Prespyterian
+to meet Peggy Hopkins Joyce. I mean it is unusual to see a gentleman who is such a
+young gentleman as Mr. Spoffard be so Prespyterian, <span class="pageNum" id="pb136">[<a href="#pb136">136</a>]</span>because when most gentlemen are 35 years of age their minds nearly always seem to
+be on something else.
+</p>
+<p>So when I saw no one else but the famous Mr. Spoffard I really became quite thrilled.
+Because all of we girls have tried very hard to have an introduction to Henry Spoffard
+and it was quite unusual to be shut up on a train in the Central of Europe with him.
+So I thought it would be quite unusual for a girl like I to have a friendship with
+a gentleman like Mr. Spoffard, who really does not even look at a girl unless she
+at least looks like a <span class="sic" title="Correction: Presbyterian">Prespyterian</span>. And I mean our family in Little Rock were really not so <span class="sic" title="Correction: Presbyterian">Prespyterians</span>.
+</p>
+<p>So I thought I would sit at his table. So then I had to ask him about all of the money
+because all of the money they use in the Central of Europe has not even got so much
+sense to it as the kind of franks they use in Paris. Because it seems to be called
+kronens and it seems to take quite a lot of them because it takes 50,000 of them to
+even buy a small size package of cigarettes and Dorothy says if the cigarettes had
+tobacco in them, we couldn’t lift enough kronens over a counter to pay for <span class="pageNum" id="pb137">[<a href="#pb137">137</a>]</span>a package. So this morning Dorothy and I asked the porter to bring us a bottle of
+champagne and we really did not know what to give him for a tip. So Dorothy said for
+me to take one of the things called a one million kronens and she would take one of
+them called a one million kronens and I would give him mine first and if he gave me
+quite a dirty look, she would give him hers. So after we paid for the bottle of champagne
+I gave him my one million kronens and before we could do anything else he started
+in to grabbing my hand and kissing my hand and getting down on his knees. So we finally
+had to push him right out of the compartment. So one million kronens seemed to be
+enough. So I told Mr. Spoffard how we did not know what to give the porter when he
+brought us our bottle of minral water. So then I asked him to tell me all about all
+of the money because I told him I always seem to think that a penny earned was a penny
+saved. So it really was quite unusual because Mr. Spoffard said that that was his
+favorite motto.
+</p>
+<hr class="tb"><p>
+</p>
+<p>So then we got to talking quite a lot and I told him that I was traveling to get educated
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb138">[<a href="#pb138">138</a>]</span>and I told him I had a girl with me who I was trying to reform because I thought if
+she would put her mind more on getting educated, she would get more reformed. Because
+after all Mr. Spoffard will have to meet Dorothy sooner or later and he might wonder
+what a refined girl like I was doing with a girl like Dorothy. So Mr. Spoffard really
+became quite <span class="sic" title="Correction: intrigued">intreeged</span>. Because Mr. Spoffard loves to reform people and he loves to <span class="sic" title="Correction: censure">senshure</span> everything and he really came over to Europe to look at all the things that Americans
+come over to Europe to look at, when they really should not look at them but they
+should look at all of the museums instead. Because if that is all we Americans come
+to Europe to look at, we should stay home and look at America first. So Mr. Spoffard
+spends all of his time looking at things that spoil <span class="sic" title="Correction: people’s">peoples</span> morals. So Mr. Spoffard really must have very very strong morals or else all the
+things that spoil other <span class="sic" title="Correction: people’s">peoples</span> morals would spoil his morals. But they do not seem to spoil Mr. <span class="sic" title="Correction: Spoffard’s">Spoffards</span> morals and I really think it is wonderful to have such strong morals. So I told Mr.
+Spoffard that I thought that civilization is not what it ought to be and we <span class="pageNum" id="pb139">[<a href="#pb139">139</a>]</span>really ought to have something else to take its place.
+</p>
+<p>So Mr. Spoffard said that he would come to call on Dorothy and I in our compartment
+this afternoon and we would talk it all over, if his mother does not seem to need
+him in her compartment. Because Mr. Spoffards mother always travels with Mr. Spoffard
+and he never does anything unless he tells his mother all about it, and asks his mother
+if he ought to. So he told me that that is the reason he has never got married, because
+his mother does not think that all of the flappers we seem to have nowadays are what
+a young man ought to marry when a young man is full of so many morals as Mr. Spoffard
+seems to be full of. So I told Mr. Spoffard that I really felt just like his mother
+feels about all of the flappers because I am an old fashioned girl.
+</p>
+<p>So then I got to worrying about Dorothy quite a lot because Dorothy is really not
+so old-fashioned and she might say something in front of Mr. Spoffard that might make
+Mr. Spoffard wonder what such an old-fashioned girl as I was doing with such a girl
+as Dorothy. So I told him how I was having quite <span class="pageNum" id="pb140">[<a href="#pb140">140</a>]</span>a hard time reforming Dorothy and I would like to have him meet Dorothy so he could
+tell me if he really thinks I am wasting quite a lot of time trying to reform a girl
+like Dorothy. So then he had to go to his mother. So I really hope that Dorothy will
+act more reformed than she usually acts in front of Mr. Spoffard.
+</p>
+<p>Well Mr. Spoffard just left our compartment so he really came to pay a call on us
+after all. So Mr. Spoffard told us all about his mother and I was really very very
+intreeged because if Mr. Spoffard and I become friendly he is the kind of a gentleman
+that always wants a girl to meet his mother. I mean if a girl gets to know what kind
+of a mother a gentlemans mother is like, she really knows more what kind of a conversation
+to use on a gentleman’s mother when she meets her. Because a girl like I is really
+always on the verge of meeting gentlemen’s mothers. But such an unrefined girl as
+Dorothy is really not the kind of a girl that ever meets gentlemens mothers.
+</p>
+<hr class="tb"><p>
+</p>
+<p>So Mr. Spoffard says his mother has to have him take care of her quite a lot. Because
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb141">[<a href="#pb141">141</a>]</span>Mr. <span class="sic" title="Correction: Spoffard’s">Spoffards</span> <span class="sic" title="Correction: mother’s">mothers</span> brains have never really been so strong. Because it seems his mother came from such
+a very fine old family that even when she was quite a small size child she had to
+be sent to a school that was a special school for people of very fine old <span class="sic" title="Correction: families">familys</span> who had to have things very easy on their brain. So she still has to have things
+very easy on her brain, so she has a girl who is called her companion who goes with
+her everywhere who is called Miss Chapman. Because Mr. Spoffard says that there is
+always something new going on in the world which they did not get a chance to tell
+her about at the school. So now Miss Chapman keeps telling her instead. Because how
+would she know what to think about such a new thing as a radio, for instance, if she
+did not have Miss Chapman to tell her what it was, for instance. So Dorothy spoke
+up and Dorothy said, “What a responsibility that girl has got on her shoulders. For
+instance, what if Miss Chapman told her a radio was something to build a fire in,
+and she would get cold some day and stuff it full of papers and light it.” But Mr.
+Spoffard told Dorothy that Miss Chapman would never make such a <span class="pageNum" id="pb142">[<a href="#pb142">142</a>]</span>mistake. Because he said that Miss Chapman came from a very very fine old family herself
+and she really had a fine brain. So Dorothy said, “If she really has got such a fine
+brain I bet her fine old family once had an ice man who could not be trusted.” So
+Mr. Spoffard and I did not pay any more attention to Dorothy because Dorothy really
+does not know how to hold a conversation.
+</p>
+<hr class="tb"><p>
+</p>
+<p>So then I and Mr. Spoffard held a conversation all about morals and Mr. Spoffard says
+he really thinks the future of everything is between the hands of Mr. Blank the district
+attorney who is the famous district attorney who is closing up all the places in New
+York where they sell all of the liquor. So Mr. Spoffard said that a few months ago,
+when Mr. Blank decided he would try to get the job to be the district attorney, he
+put 1,000 dollars worth of liquor down his sink. So now Mr. Blank says that everybody
+else has got to put it down their sink. So Dorothy spoke up, and Dorothy said, “If
+he poured 1,000 dollars worth down his sink to get himself one million dollars worth
+of publicity and a good job—when we pour it down <span class="pageNum" id="pb143">[<a href="#pb143">143</a>]</span>our sink, what do we get?” But Mr. Spoffard is <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> brainy a gentleman to answer any such a foolish question. So he gave Dorothy a look
+that was full of dignity and he said he would have to go back to his Mother. So I
+was really quite angry at Dorothy. So I followed Mr. Spoffard down the hall of the
+railway train and I asked Mr. Spoffard if he thought I was wasting quite a lot of
+time reforming a girl like Dorothy. So Mr. Spoffard thinks I am, because he really
+thinks a girl like Dorothy will never have any <span class="sic" title="Correction: reverence">reverance</span>. So I told Mr. Spoffard I had wasted so much time on Dorothy it would really break
+my heart to be a failure. So then I had tears in my eyes. So Mr. Spoffard is really
+very very sympathetic because when he saw that I did not have any handkerchief, he
+took his own handkerchief and he dried up all of my tears. So then he said he would
+help me with Dorothy quite a lot and get her mind to running on things that are more
+educational.
+</p>
+<p>So then he said he thought that we ought to get off the train at a place called Munich
+because it was very full of art, which they call “kunst” in Munich, which is very,
+very <span class="pageNum" id="pb144">[<a href="#pb144">144</a>]</span>educational. So he said he and Dorothy and I would get off of the train in Munich
+because he could send his mother right on to Vienna with Miss Chapman, because every
+place always seems to look alike to his mother anyway. So we are all going to get
+off the train at Munich and I can send Mr. Eisman a telegram when nobody is looking.
+Because I really do not think I will tell Mr. Spoffard about Mr. Eisman, because,
+after all, their religions are different and when two gentlemen have such different
+religions they do not seem to have so much to get congeneal about. So I can telegraph
+Mr. Eisman that Dorothy and I thought we would get off the train at Munich to look
+at all of the art.
+</p>
+<p>So then I went back to Dorothy and I told Dorothy if she did not have anything to
+say in the future to not say it. Because even if Mr. Spoffard is a fine old family
+and even if he is very Prespyterian, I and he could really be friendly after all and
+talk together quite a lot. I mean Mr. Spoffard likes to talk about himself quite a
+lot, so I said to Dorothy it really shows that, after all, he is just like any other
+gentleman. But Dorothy said she would demand more proof than that. <span class="pageNum" id="pb145">[<a href="#pb145">145</a>]</span>So Dorothy says she thinks that maybe I might become quite friendly with Mr. Spoffard
+and especially with his mother because she thinks his mother and I have quite a lot
+that is common, but she says, if I ever bump into Miss Chapman, she thinks I will
+come to a kropper because Dorothy saw Miss Chapman when she was at luncheon and Dorothy
+says Miss Chapman is the kind of a girl that wears a collar and a tie even when she
+is not on horseback. And Dorothy said it was the look that Miss Chapman gave her at
+luncheon that really gave her the idea about the ice man. So Dorothy says she thinks
+Miss Chapman has got 3 thirds of the brains of that trio of Geegans, because Geegans
+is the slang word that Dorothy has thought up to use on people who are society people.
+Because Dorothy says she thinks any gentleman with Mr. <span class="sic" title="Correction: Spoffard’s">Spoffards</span> brains had ought to spend his time putting nickels into an electric piano, but I
+did not even bother to talk back at such a girl as Dorothy. So now we must get ready
+to get off the train when the train gets to Munich so that we can look at all of the
+kunst in Munich.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb146">[<a href="#pb146">146</a>]</span></p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>May 19th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well yesterday Mr. Spoffard and I and Dorothy got off the train at Munich to see all
+of the kunst in Munich, but you only call it Munich when you are on the train because
+as soon as you get off of the train they seem to call it Munchen. So you really would
+know that Munchen was full of kunst because in case you would not know it, they have
+painted the word “kunst” in large size black letters on everything in Munchen, and
+you can not even see a boot black’s stand in Munchen that is not full of kunst.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p147width"><img src="images/p147.jpg" alt="“The Germans stand in the lobby of the theatre and eat quite a lot of Bermudian onions and garlick sausage.”" width="370" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>The Germans stand in the lobby of the theatre and eat quite a lot of Bermudian onions
+and garlick sausage.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>So Mr. Spoffard said that we really ought to go to the theater in Munchen because
+even the theater in Munchen was full of kunst. So we looked at all of the bills of
+all of the theaters, with the aid of quite an <span class="sic" title="Correction: intellectual">intelectual</span> hotel clerk who seemed to be able to read it and tell us what it said, because it
+really meant nothing to us. So it seems they were playing Kiki in Munchen, so I said,
+let us go and see Kiki because we have seen Lenore Ulric in New York and we would
+really know what it is all about even if they do not seem to talk the English <span class="sic" title="Correction: language">landguage</span>. So then we went to the Kunst theater. So it seems <span class="pageNum" id="pb148">[<a href="#pb148">148</a>]</span>that Munchen is practically full of Germans and the lobby of the Kunst theater was
+really full of Germans who stand in the lobby and drink beer and eat quite a lot of
+Bermudian onions and garlick sausage and hard boiled eggs and beer before all of the
+acts. So I really had to ask Mr. Spoffard if he thought we had come to the right theatre
+because the lobby seemed to smell such a lot. I mean when the smell of beer gets to
+be anteek it gets to smell quite a lot. But Mr. Spoffard seemed to think that the
+lobby of the Kunst theatre did not smell any worse than all of the other places in
+Munich. So then Dorothy spoke up and Dorothy said “You can say what you want about
+the Germans being full of ‘kunst,’ but what they are really full of is delicatessen.”
+</p>
+<p>So then we went into the Kunst theater. But the Kunst theater does not seem to smell
+so good as the lobby of the Kunst theater. And the Kunst theater seems to be decorated
+with quite a lot of what tripe would look like if it was pasted on the wall and gilded.
+Only you could not really see the gilding because it was covered with quite a lot
+of dust. So Dorothy looked around and Dorothy said, if <span class="pageNum" id="pb149">[<a href="#pb149">149</a>]</span>this is “kunst,” the art center of the world is Union Hill New Jersey.
+</p>
+<p>So then they started in to playing Kiki but it seems that it was not the same kind
+of a Kiki that we have in America, because it seemed to be all about a family of large
+size German people who seemed to keep getting in each others ways. I mean when a stage
+is completely full of 2 or 3 German people who are quite large size, they really cannot
+help it if they seem to get in each others ways. So then Dorothy got to talking with
+a young gentleman who seemed to be a German gentleman who sat back of her, who she
+thought was applauding. But what he was really doing was he was cracking a hard boiled
+egg on the back of her chair. So he talked English with quite an accent that seemed
+to be quite a German accent. So Dorothy asked him if Kiki had come out on the stage
+yet. So he said no, but she was really a beautiful german actress who came clear from
+Berlin and he said we should really wait until she came out, even if we did not seem
+to understand it. So finally she came out. I mean we knew it was her because Dorothy’s
+German gentleman friend nudged Dorothy with <span class="pageNum" id="pb150">[<a href="#pb150">150</a>]</span>a sausage. So we looked at her, and we looked at her and Dorothy said, “If Schuman
+Heinke still has a grandmother, we have dug her up in Munchen.” So we did not bother
+to see any more of Kiki because Dorothy said she would really have to know more about
+the foundations of that building before she would risk our lives to see Kiki do that
+famous scene where she faints in the last act. Because Dorothy said, if the foundations
+of that building were as anteek as the smell, there was going to be a catasterophy
+when Kiki hit the floor. So even Mr. Spoffard was quite discouradged, but he was really
+glad because he said he was 100 per cent. of an American and it served the Germans
+right for starting such a war against all we Americans.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>May 20th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well today Mr. Spoffard is going to take me all around to all of the museums in Munchen,
+which are full of kunst that I really ought to look at, but Dorothy said she had been
+punished for all of her sins last night, so now she is going to begin life all over
+again by going out with her German gentleman friend, who is going to take her to a
+house <span class="pageNum" id="pb151">[<a href="#pb151">151</a>]</span>called the Half Brow house which is the worlds largest size of a Beer Hall. So Dorothy
+said I could be a high brow and get full of kunst, but she is <span class="sic" title="Correction: satisfied">satisfide</span> to be a Half brow and get full of beer. But Dorothy will really never be full of
+anything else but unrefinement.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>May 21st</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well Mr. Spoffard and I and Dorothy are on the train again and we are all going to
+Vienna. I mean Mr. Spoffard and I spent one whole day going through all of the museums
+in Munchen, but I am really not even going to think about it. Because when something
+terrible happens to me, I always try to be a Christian science and I simply do not
+even think about it, but I deny that it ever happened even if my feet do seem to hurt
+quite a lot. So even Dorothy had quite a hard day in Munchen because her German gentleman
+friend, who is called Rudolf, came for her at 11 oclock to take her to breakfast.
+But Dorothy told him that she had had her breakfast. But her gentleman friend said
+that he had had his first breakfast <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span>, but it was time for his second. So he took Dorothy <span class="pageNum" id="pb152">[<a href="#pb152">152</a>]</span>to the Half Brow house where everybody eats white sausages and pretzels and beer at
+11 oclock. So after they had their white sausages and beer he wanted to take her for
+a ride but they could only go a few blocks because by then it was time for luncheon.
+So they ate quite a lot of luncheon and then he bought her a large size box of chocolates
+that were full of liqueurs, and took her to the matinee. So after the first act Rudolf
+got hungry and they had to go and stand in the lobby and have some <span class="sic" title="Correction: sandwiches">sandwitches</span> and beer. But Dorothy did not enjoy the show very much and so after the second act
+Rudolf said they would leave because it was time for tea anyway. So after quite a
+heavy tea, Rudolph asked her to dinner and Dorothy was <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> overcome to say No. So after dinner they went to a beer garden for beer and pretzels.
+But finally Dorothy began to come to, and she asked him to take her back to the hotel.
+So Rudolf said he would, but they had better have a bite to eat first. So today Dorothy
+really feels just as <span class="sic" title="Correction: discouraged">discouradged</span> as I seem to feel, only Dorothy is not a Christian science and all she can do is
+suffer.
+</p>
+<p>But in spite of all of my Christian science, <span class="pageNum" id="pb153">[<a href="#pb153">153</a>]</span>I am really beginning to feel quite <span class="sic" title="Correction: discouraged">discouradged</span> about Vienna. I mean Mr. Eisman is in Vienna, and I do not see how I can spend quite
+a lot of time with Mr. Eisman and quite a lot of time with Mr. Spoffard and keep them
+from meeting one another. Because Mr. Spoffard might not seem to understand why Mr.
+Eisman seems to spend quite a lot of money to get me educated. And Dorothy keeps trying
+to depress me about Miss Chapman because she says she thinks that when Miss Chapman
+sees I and Mr. Spoffard together she thinks that Miss Chapman will cable for the <span class="sic" title="Correction: family’s">familys</span> favorite lunacy expert. So I have got to be as full of Christian science as I can
+and always hope for the best.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>May 25th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>So far everything has really worked out for the best. Because Mr. Eisman is very very
+busy all day with the button profession, and he tells me to run around with Dorothy
+all day. So I and Mr. Spoffard run around all day. So then I tell Mr. Spoffard that
+I really do not care to go to all of the places that you go to at night, but I will
+go to bed and get ready for tomorrow instead. So then <span class="pageNum" id="pb154">[<a href="#pb154">154</a>]</span>Dorothy and I go to dinner with Mr. Eisman and then we go to a show, and we stay up
+quite late at a cabaret called the Chapeau Rouge and I am able to keep it all up with
+the aid of champagne. So if we keep our eye out for Mr. Spoffard and do not all bump
+into one another when he is out looking at things that we Americans really should
+not look at, it will all work out for the best. I mean I have even stopped Mr. Spoffard
+looking at museums because I tell him that I like nature better, and when you look
+at nature you look at it in a horse and buggy in the park and it is much easier on
+the feet. So now he is beginning to talk about how he would like me to meet his mother,
+so everything really seems for the best after all.
+</p>
+<p>But I have quite a hard time with Mr. Eisman at night. I mean at night Mr. Eisman
+is in quite a state, because every time he makes an engagement about the button factory,
+it is time for all the gentlemen in Vienna to go to the coffee house and sit. Or else
+every time he makes an engagement about the button factory, some Viennese gentleman
+gets the idea to have a <span class="sic" title="Correction: picnic">picknick</span> and they all put on short pants and bare knees and they all put a <span class="pageNum" id="pb155">[<a href="#pb155">155</a>]</span>feather in their hat, and they all walk to the Tyrol. So it really <span class="sic" title="Correction: discourages">discouradges</span> Mr. Eisman quite a lot. But if anyone ought to get <span class="sic" title="Correction: discouraged">discouradged</span> I think that I ought to get <span class="sic" title="Correction: discouraged">discouradged</span> because after all when a girl has had no sleep for a week a girl can not help it
+if she seems to get <span class="sic" title="Correction: discouraged">discouradged</span>.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>May 27th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well <span class="sic" title="Correction: finally">finaly</span> I broke down and Mr. Spoffard said that he thought a little girl like I, who was
+trying to reform the whole world was trying to do <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> much, especially beginning on a girl like Dorothy. So he said there was a famous
+doctor in Vienna called Dr. Froyd who could stop all of my worrying because he does
+not give a girl medicine but he talks you out of it by psychoanalysis. So yesterday
+he took me to Dr. Froyd. So Dr. Froyd and I had quite a long talk in the english <span class="sic" title="Correction: language">landguage</span>. So it seems that everybody seems to have a thing called inhibitions, which is when
+you want to do a thing and you do not do it. So then you dream about it instead. So
+Dr. Froyd asked me, what I seemed to dream about. So I told him that I never really
+dream about anything. I mean <span class="pageNum" id="pb156">[<a href="#pb156">156</a>]</span>I use my brains so much in the day time that at night they do not seem to do anything
+else but rest. So Dr. Froyd was very very <span class="sic" title="Correction: surprised">surprized</span> at a girl who did not dream about anything. So then he asked me all about my life.
+I mean he is very very sympathetic, and he seems to know how to draw a girl out quite
+a lot. I mean I told him things that I really would not even put in my diary. So then
+he seemed very very <span class="sic" title="Correction: intrigued">intreeged</span> at a girl who always seemed to do everything she wanted to do. So he asked me if
+I really never wanted to do a thing that I did not do. For instance did I ever want
+to do a thing that was really <span class="sic" title="Correction: violent">vialent</span>, for instance, did I ever want to shoot someone for instance. So then I said I had,
+but the bullet only went in Mr. Jennings lung and came right out again. So then Dr.
+Froyd looked at me and looked at me and he said he did not really think it was possible.
+So then he called in his assistance and he pointed at me and talked to his assistance
+quite a lot in the Viennese <span class="sic" title="Correction: language">landguage</span>. So then his assistance looked at me and looked at me and it really seems as if I
+was quite a famous case. So then Dr. Froyd said that all <span class="pageNum" id="pb158">[<a href="#pb158">158</a>]</span>I needed was to cultivate a few inhibitions and get some sleep.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p157width"><img src="images/p157.jpg" alt="“Dr. Froyd seemed to think that I was quite a famous case.”" width="370" height="720"><p class="figureHead">“<i>Dr. Froyd seemed to think that I was quite a famous case.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>May 29th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Things are really getting to be quite a strain. Because yesterday Mr. Spoffard and
+Mr. Eisman were both in the lobby of the Bristol hotel and I had to pretend not to
+see both of them. I mean it is quite an easy thing to pretend not to see one gentleman,
+but it is a quite hard thing to pretend not to see two gentlemen. So something has
+really got to happen soon, or I will have to admit that things seem to be happening
+that are not for the best.
+</p>
+<p>So this afternoon Dorothy and I had an engagement to meet Count Salm for tea at four
+o’clock, only you do not call it tea at Vienna but you seem to call it “yowzer” and
+you do not drink tea at Vienna but you drink coffee instead. I mean it is quite unusual
+to see all of the gentlemen at Vienna stop work, to go to yowzer about one hour after
+they have all finished their luncheon, but time really does not seem to mean so much
+to Viennese gentlemen except time to get to the coffee house, which they all seem
+to know by <span class="pageNum" id="pb159">[<a href="#pb159">159</a>]</span>instincts, or else they really do not seem to mind if they make a mistake and get
+there <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> early. Because Mr. Eisman says that when it is time to attend to the button profession,
+they really seem to lose all of their interest until Mr. Eisman is getting so nervous
+he could scream.
+</p>
+<p>So we went to Deimels and met Count Salm. But while we were having yowzer with Count
+Salm, we saw Mr. Spoffard’s mother come in with her companion<span class="sic" title="Correction: ,"></span> Miss Chapman, and Miss Chapman seemed to look at me quite a lot and talk to Mr. Spoffards
+mother about me quite a lot. So I became quite nervous, because I really wished that
+we were not with Count Salm. I mean it has been quite a hard thing to make Mr. Spoffard
+think that I am trying to reform Dorothy, but if I had to try to make him think that
+I was trying to reform Count Salm, he might begin to think that there is a limit to
+almost everything. So Mr. <span class="sic" title="Correction: Spoffard’s">Spoffards</span> mother seems to be deaf, because she seems to use an ear trumpet and I really could
+not help over hearing quite a lot of words that Miss Chapman was using on me, even
+if it is not such good <span class="sic" title="Correction: etiquette">etiquet</span> to overhear people. So Miss <span class="pageNum" id="pb160">[<a href="#pb160">160</a>]</span>Chapman seemed to be telling Mr. Spoffards mother that I was a “creature,” and she
+seemed to be telling her that I was the real reason why her son seemed to be so full
+of nothing but neglect lately. So then Mr. Spoffards mother looked at me and looked
+at me, even if it was not such good etiquet to look at a person. And Miss Chapman
+kept right on talking to Mr. Spoffards mother and I heard her mention Willie Gwynn
+and I think that Miss Chapman has been making some inquiries about me and I really
+think that she has heard about the time when all of the family of Willie Gwynn had
+quite a long talk with me and persuaded me not to marry Willie Gwynn for $10,000.
+So I really wish Mr. Spoffard would introduce me to his mother before she gets to
+be full of quite a lot of prejudice. Because one thing seems to be piling up on top
+of another thing, until I am almost on the verge of getting nervous and I have not
+had any time yet to do what Dr. Froyd said a girl ought to do.
+</p>
+<p>So tonight I am going to tell Mr. Eisman that I have got to go to bed early, so then
+I can take quite a long ride with Mr. Spoffard and look at nature, and he may say
+something <span class="pageNum" id="pb161">[<a href="#pb161">161</a>]</span>definite, because nothing makes gentlemen get so definite as looking at nature when
+it is moonlight.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>May 30th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well last night Mr. Spoffard and I took quite a long ride in the park, but they do
+not call it a park in the Viennese <span class="sic" title="Correction: language">landguage</span> but they call it the Prater. So a prater is really <span class="sic" title="Correction: divine">devine</span> because it is just like Coney Island but at the same time it is in the woods and
+it is practically full of trees and it has quite a long road for people to take rides
+on in a horse and buggy. So I found out that Miss Chapman had been talking against
+me quite a lot. So it seems that she has been making inquiries about me, and I was
+really surprised to hear all of the things that Miss Chapman seemed to find out about
+me except that she did not find out about Mr. Eisman educating me. So then I had to
+tell Mr. Spoffard that I was not always so reformed as I am now, because the world
+was full of gentlemen who were nothing but wolfs in sheeps clothes, that did nothing
+but take <span class="sic" title="Correction: advantage">advantadge</span> of all we girls. So I really cried quite a lot. So then I told him how I was just
+a little girl from <span class="pageNum" id="pb162">[<a href="#pb162">162</a>]</span>Little Rock when I first left Little Rock and by that time even Mr. Spoffard had tears
+in his eyes. So I told him how I came from a very very good family because papa was
+very <span class="sic" title="Correction: intellectual">intelectual</span>, and he was a very very prominent Elk, and everybody always said that he was a very
+<span class="sic" title="Correction: intellectual">intelectual</span> Elk. So I told Mr. Spoffard that when I left Little Rock I thought that all of the
+gentlemen did not want to do anything but protect we girls and by the time I found
+out that they did not want to protect us so much, it was <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> late. So then he cried quite a lot. So then I told him how I <span class="sic" title="Correction: finally">finaly</span> got reformed by reading all about him in the newspapers and when I saw him in the
+oriental express it really seemed to be nothing but the result of fate. So I told
+Mr. Spoffard that I thought a girl was really more reformed if she knew what it was
+to be unreformed than if she was born reformed and never really knew that was the
+matter with her. So then Mr. Spoffard reached over and he kissed me on the forehead
+in a way that was full of <span class="sic" title="Correction: reverence">reverance</span> and he said I seemed to remind him quite a lot of a girl who got quite a write-up
+in the bible who was called Magdellen. So then he said that he used to be a <span class="pageNum" id="pb163">[<a href="#pb163">163</a>]</span>member of the choir himself, so who was he to cast the first rock at a girl like I.
+</p>
+<p>So we rode around in the Prater until it was quite late and it really was <span class="sic" title="Correction: divine">devine</span> because it was moonlight and we talked quite a lot about morals, and all the bands
+in the prater were all playing in the <span class="sic" title="Correction: distance">distants</span> “Mama love Papa”. Because “Mama love Papa” has just reached Vienna and they all seem
+to be crazy about “Mama love Papa” even if it is not so new in America. So then he
+took me home to the hotel.
+</p>
+<p>So everything always works out for the best, because this morning Mr. Spoffard called
+up and told me he wanted me to meet his mother. So I told him I would like to have
+luncheon alone with his mother because we could have quite a little tatatate if there
+was only two of us. So I told him to bring his mother to our room for luncheon because
+I thought that Miss Chapman could not walk into our room and spoil everything.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p164width"><img src="images/p164.jpg" alt="“I told Mr. Spoffard’s mother that I did not seem to like all of the flappers we seem to have nowadays.”" width="538" height="273"><p class="figureHead">“<i>I told Mr. Spoffard’s mother that I did not seem to like all of the flappers we seem
+to have nowadays.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>So he brought his mother down to our sitting room and I put on quite a simple little
+organdy gown that I had ripped all of the trimming off of, and I had a pair of black
+lace mitts that Dorothy used to wear in the <span class="pageNum" id="pb164">[<a href="#pb164">164</a>]</span>Follies and I had a pair of shoes that did not have any heels on them. So when he
+introduced us to each other I dropped her a <span class="sic" title="Correction: curtsey">courtesy</span> because I always think it is quite quaint when a girl drops quite a lot of <span class="sic" title="Correction: curtsies">courtesys</span>. So then he left us alone and we had quite a little talk and I told her that I did
+not seem to like all of the flappers that we seem to have nowadays, because I was
+brought up to be more old fashioned. So then Mr. <span class="sic" title="Correction: Spoffard’s">Spoffards</span> mother told me that Miss Chapman said that she had heard that I was not so old fashioned.
+But I told her that I was so old fashioned that I was always full of respect for all
+of my elders and I would not dare to tell them everything they ought <span class="pageNum" id="pb165">[<a href="#pb165">165</a>]</span>to do, like Miss Chapman seems to tell her everything she ought to do, for instants.
+</p>
+<p>So then I ordered luncheon and I thought some champagne would make her feel quite
+good for luncheon so I asked her if she liked champagne. So she really likes champagne
+very very much but Miss Chapman thinks it is not so nice for a person to drink liquor.
+But I told her that I was a Christian science, and all of we Christian science seem
+to believe that there can not really be any harm in anything, so how can there be
+any harm in a small size bottle of champagne? So she never seemed to look at it in
+that kind of a light before, because she said that Miss Chapman believed in Christian
+science also, but what Miss Chapman believed about things that were good for you to
+drink seemed to apply more towards water. So then we had luncheon and she began to
+feel very very good. So I thought that we had better have another bottle of champagne
+because I told her that I was such an ardent Christian science that I did not even
+believe there could be any harm in two bottles of champagne. So we had another bottle
+of champagne and she became very intreeged about Christian science because <span class="pageNum" id="pb166">[<a href="#pb166">166</a>]</span>she said that she really thought it was a better religion than <span class="sic" title="Correction: Presbyterians">Prespyterians</span>. So she said Miss Chapman used to try to get her to use it on things, but Miss Chapman
+never seemed to have such a large size grasp of the Christian science religion as
+I seem to have.
+</p>
+<p>So then I told her that I thought Miss Chapman was jealous of her good looks. So then
+she said that that was true, because Miss Chapman would always make her wear hats
+that were made out of black horses hair because horses hair does not weigh so much
+on a persons brain. So I told her I was going to give her one of my hats that has
+got quite large size roses on it. So then I got it out, but we could not get it on
+her head because hats are quite small on account of hair being bobbed. So I thought
+I would get the <span class="sic" title="Correction: scissors">sissors</span> and bob her head, but then I thought I had done enough to her for one day.
+</p>
+<p>So Henry’s mother said that I was really the most sunshine that she ever had in all
+her life and when Henry came back to take his Mother up to her room, she did not want
+to go. But after he got her away he called me up on the telephone and he was <span class="sic" title="Correction: quite">qiute</span> excited and he said he wanted to ask me something <span class="pageNum" id="pb167">[<a href="#pb167">167</a>]</span>that was very very important. So I said I would see him tonight.
+</p>
+<p>But now I have got to see Mr. Eisman because I have an idea about doing something
+that is really very very important that has got to be done at once.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>May 31st</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well I and Dorothy and Mr. Eisman are on a train going to a place called Buda Pest.
+So I did not see Henry again before I left, but I left him a letter. Because I thought
+it would be a quite good thing if what he wanted to ask me he would have to write
+down, instead of asking me, and he could not write it to me if I was in the same city
+that he is in. So I told him in my letter that I had to leave in five minute’s time
+because I found out that Dorothy was just on the verge of getting very unreformed,
+and if I did not get her away, all I had done for her would really go for nothing.
+So I told him to write down what he had to say to me, and mail it to me at the Ritz
+hotel in Buda Pest. Because I always seem to believe in the old <span class="sic" title="Correction: adage">addage</span>, Say it in writing.
+</p>
+<p>So it was really very easy to get Mr. Eisman <span class="pageNum" id="pb168">[<a href="#pb168">168</a>]</span>to leave Vienna, because yesterday he went out to see the button factory but it seems
+that all of the people at the button factory were not at work but they were giving
+a birthday party to some saint. So it seems that every time some saint has a birthday
+they all stop work so they can give it a birthday party. So Mr. Eisman looked at their
+calendar, and found out that some saint or other was born practically every week in
+the year. So he has decided that America is good enough for him.
+</p>
+<p>So Henry will not be able to follow me to Buda Pest because his mother is having treatments
+by Dr. Froyd and she seems to be a much more difficult case than I seem to be. I mean
+it is quite hard for Dr. Froyd, because she cannot seem to remember which is a dream
+and which really happened to her. So she tells him everything, and he has to use his
+judgement. I mean when she tells him that a very very handsome young gentleman tried
+to flirt with her on Fifth Avenue, he uses his judgement.
+</p>
+<p>So we will soon be at a Ritz hotel again and I must say it will be delightful to find
+a Ritz hotel right in the central of Europe.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb169">[<a href="#pb169">169</a>]</span></p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>June 1st</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well yesterday <span class="sic" title="Correction: Henry’s">Henrys</span> letter came and it says in black and white that he and his mother have never met
+such a girl as I and he wants me to marry him. So I took <span class="sic" title="Correction: Henry’s">Henrys</span> letter to the photographers and I had quite a lot of photographs taken of it because
+a girl might lose <span class="sic" title="Correction: Henry’s">Henrys</span> letter and she would not have anything left to remember him by. But Dorothy says
+to hang on to Henry’s letter, because she really does not think the photographs do
+it justice.
+</p>
+<p>So this afternoon I got a telegram from Henry and the telegram says that Henry’s father
+is very, very ill in New York and they have got to leave for New York immediately
+and his heart is broken not to see me again and to send him my answer by telegraph
+so that his mind will be rested while he is going back to New York. So I sent him
+a telegram and I accepted his proposal. So tonight I got another telegram and Henry
+says that he and his mother are very very happy and <span class="sic" title="Correction: Henry’s">Henrys</span> mother can hardly bear Miss Chapman any more and Henry says he hopes I will decide
+to come right back to New York and keep his mother quite a lot of company, <span class="pageNum" id="pb170">[<a href="#pb170">170</a>]</span>because he thinks I can reform Dorothy more in New York anyway, where there is prohibition
+and nobody can get anything to drink.
+</p>
+<p>So now I have got to make up my mind whether I really want to marry Henry after all.
+Because I know to much to get married to any gentleman like Henry without thinking
+it all over. Because Henry is the kind of a gentleman who gets on a girls nerves quite
+a lot and when a gentleman has nothing else to do but get on a girls nerves, there
+really seems to be a limit to almost everything. Because when a gentleman has a business,
+he has an office and he has to be there, but when a gentlemans business is only looking
+into other peoples business, a gentleman is always on the verge of coming in and out
+of the house. And a girl could not really say that her time was her own. And when
+Henry was not in and out of the house, his mother would always be in and out of the
+house because she seems to think that I am so full of nothing but sunshine. So it
+is quite a problem and I seem to be in quite a quarandary, because it might really
+be better if Henry should happen to decide that he should not get married, and he
+should change his mind, and desert a <span class="pageNum" id="pb171">[<a href="#pb171">171</a>]</span>girl, and then it would only be right if a girl should sue him for a breach of promise.
+</p>
+<p>But I really think, whatever happens, that Dorothy and I had better get back to New
+York. So I will see if Mr. Eisman will send us back. I mean I really do not think
+that Mr. Eisman will mind us going back because if he does, I will start shopping
+again and that always seems to bring him to terms. But all the time I am going back
+to New York, I will have to try to make up my mind one way or another. Because we
+girls really can not help it, if we have ideals, and sometimes my mind seems to get
+to running on things that are romantic, and I seem to think that maybe there is some
+place in the world where there is a gentleman who knows how to look and act like Count
+Salm and who has got money besides. And when a <span class="sic" title="Correction: girl’s">girls</span> mind gets to thinking about such a romantic thing, a girls mind really does not seem
+to know whether to marry Henry or not.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb175">[<a href="#pb175">175</a>]</span></p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div id="ch6" class="div1 chapter"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#xd31e299">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divHead">
+<h2 class="label">CHAPTER SIX</h2>
+<h2 class="main">BRAINS ARE REALLY EVERYTHING</h2>
+</div>
+<div class="divBody">
+<p class="first dateentry"><i>June 14th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well, Dorothy and I arrived at New York yesterday because Mr. Eisman finally decided
+to send us home because he said that all of his button profession would not stand
+the strain of educating me much more in Europe. So we separated from Mr. Eisman in
+Buda Pest because Mr. Eisman had to go to Berlin to look up all of his starving relatives
+in Berlin, who have done nothing but starve since the War, so he wrote me just before
+we sailed and he said that he had dug up all his starving relatives and he had looked
+them all over, and decided not to bring them to America because there was not one
+of his starving relatives who could travel on a railroad ticket without paying excess
+fare for overweight.
+</p>
+<p>So Dorothy and I took the boat and all the way over on the boat I had to make up my
+mind whether I really wanted to marry the famous Henry H. Spoffard, or not, because
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb176">[<a href="#pb176">176</a>]</span>he was waiting for me to arrive at New York and he was so impatient that he could
+hardly wait for me to arrive at New York. But I have not wasted all of my time on
+Henry, even if I do not marry him, because I have some letters from Henry which would
+come in very, very handy if I did not marry Henry. So Dorothy seems to agree with
+me quite a lot, because Dorothy says the only thing she could stand being to Henry,
+would be to be his widow at the age of 18.
+</p>
+<p>So coming over on the boat I decided not to bother to meet any gentleman, because
+what good does it do to meet gentlemen when there is nothing to do on a boat but go
+shopping at a little shop where they do not have any thing that costs more than five
+dollars. And besides if I did meet any gentleman on the boat, he would want to see
+me off the boat, and then we would bump into Henry. But then I heard that there was
+a gentleman on the boat who was quite a dealer in unset diamonds from a town called
+Amsterdam. So I met the gentleman, and we went around together quite a lot, but we
+had quite a quarrel the night before we landed, so I did not even bother to look at
+him when I came down <span class="pageNum" id="pb177">[<a href="#pb177">177</a>]</span>the gangplank, and I put the unset diamonds in my handbag so I did not have to declare
+them at the customs.
+</p>
+<p>So Henry was waiting for me at the customs, because he had come up from Pennsylvania
+to meet me, because their country estate is at Pennsylvania, and Henry’s father is
+very, very ill at Pennsylvania, so Henry has to stay there practically all of the
+time. So all of the reporters were at the customs and they all heard about how Henry
+and I were engaged to one another and they wanted to know what I was before I became
+engaged to Henry, so I told them that I was nothing but a society girl from Little
+Rock, Arkansas. So then I became quite angry with Dorothy because one of the reporters
+asked Dorothy when I made my debut in society at Little Rock and Dorothy said I made
+my debut at the Elks annual street fair and carnival at the age of 15, I mean Dorothy
+never overlooks any chance to be unrefined, even when she is talking to literary gentlemen
+like reporters.
+</p>
+<p>So Henry brought me to the apartment in his Rolls Royce, and while we were coming
+to the apartment he said he wanted to give me my engagement ring and I really became
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb178">[<a href="#pb178">178</a>]</span>all thrills. So he said that he had gone to Cartiers and he had looked over all the
+engagement rings in Cartiers and after he had looked them all over he had decided
+that they were not half good enough for me. So then he took a box out of his pocket
+and I really became <span class="sic" title="Correction: intrigued">intreeged</span>. So then Henry said that when he looked at all of those large size diamonds he really
+felt that they did not have any sentiment, so he was going to give me his class ring
+from Amherst College <span class="sic" title="Correction: instead">insted</span>. So then I looked at him and looked at him, but I am to full of self <span class="sic" title="Correction: control">controle</span> to say anything at this stage of the game, so I said it was really very sweet of
+him to be so full of nothing but sentiment.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p178width"><img src="images/p178.jpg" alt="“I told him that it was really very sweet of him to be so full of nothing but sentiment.”" width="541" height="275"><p class="figureHead">“<i>I told him that it was really very sweet of him to be so full of nothing but sentiment.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb179">[<a href="#pb179">179</a>]</span></p>
+<p>So then Henry said that he would have to go back to Pennsylvania to talk to his father
+about us getting married, because his father has really got his heart set on us not
+getting married. So I told Henry that perhaps if I would meet his father, I would
+win him over, because I always seem to win gentlemen over. But Henry says that that
+is just the trouble, because some girl is always winning his father over, and they
+hardly dare to let him go out of their sight, and they hardly dare let him go to church
+alone. Because the last time he went to church alone some girl won him over on the
+street corner and he arrived back home with all of his pocket money gone, and they
+could not believe him when he said that he had put it in the plate, because he has
+not put more than a dime in the plate for the last fifty years.
+</p>
+<p>So it seems that the real reason why his father does not want Henry to marry me, is
+because his father says that Henry always has all of the fun, and every time Henry’s
+father wants to have some fun of his own, Henry always stops him and Henry will not
+even let him be sick at a hospital where he could have some fun of his own, but he
+keeps <span class="pageNum" id="pb180">[<a href="#pb180">180</a>]</span>him at home where he has to have a nurse Henry picked out for him who is a male nurse.
+So all of his objections seem to be nothing but the spirit of <span class="sic" title="Correction: reciprocity">resiprosity</span>. But Henry says that all his objections cannot last much longer because he is nearly
+90 years of age after all, and Nature must take its course sooner or later.
+</p>
+<p>So Dorothy says what a fool I am to waste my time on Henry, when I might manage to
+meet Henry’s father and the whole thing would be over in a few months and I would
+practically own the state of Pennsylvania. But I do not think I ought to take Dorothy’s
+<span class="sic" title="Correction: advice">advise</span> because Henry’s father is watched like a hawk and Henry himself is his Power of Attorney,
+so no good could really come of it after all. And, after all, why should I listen
+to the <span class="sic" title="Correction: advice">advise</span> of a girl like Dorothy who travelled all over Europe and all she came home with was
+a bangle!
+</p>
+<p>So Henry spent the evening at the apartment and then he had to go back to Pennsylvania
+to be there Thursday morning, because every Thursday morning he belongs to a society
+who do nothing but <span class="sic" title="Correction: censure">senshure</span> all of the photoplays. So they cut out all of the <span class="pageNum" id="pb181">[<a href="#pb181">181</a>]</span>pieces out of all the photoplays that show things that are riskay, that people ought
+not to look at. So then they put all of the riskay pieces together and they run them
+over and over again. So it would really be quite a hard thing to drag Henry away from
+one of his Thursday mornings and he can hardly wait from one Thursday morning to another.
+Because he really does not seem to enjoy anything so much as senshuring photoplays
+and after a photoplay has once been senshured he seems to lose all of his interest
+in it.
+</p>
+<p>So after Henry left I held quite a conversation with Lulu, who is my maid who looked
+out for my apartment while I was away. So Lulu really thinks I ought to marry Mr.
+Spoffard after all, because Lulu says that she kept studying Mr. Spoffard all of the
+time she was unpacking my trunks, and Lulu says she is sure that any time I feel as
+if I had to get away from Mr. Spoffard I could just set him down on the floor, and
+give him a packet of riskay french postcards to senshure and stay away as long as
+I like.
+</p>
+<p>So Henry is going to arrange for me to come down to Pennsylvania for a week-end and
+meet all of his family. But if all of <span class="pageNum" id="pb182">[<a href="#pb182">182</a>]</span>Henry’s family are as full of reforms as Henry seems to be, it will be quite an ordeal
+even for a girl like I.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>June 15th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Yesterday morning was quite an ordeal for a refined girl because all of the newspapers
+all printed the story of how Henry and I are engaged to one another, but they all
+seemed to leave out the part about me being a society girl except one newspaper, and
+that was the newspaper that quoted what Dorothy said about me being a debutant at
+the Elk’s Carnival. So I called up Dorothy at the Ritz and I told Dorothy that a girl
+like she ought to keep her mouth closed in the <span class="sic" title="Correction: presence">presents</span> of reporters.
+</p>
+<p>So it seems that quite a lot of reporters kept calling Dorothy up but Dorothy said
+she really did not say anything to any of them except one reporter asked her what
+I used for money and she told him buttons. But Dorothy really should not have said
+such a thing, because quite a few people seem to know that Mr. Eisman is educating
+me and that he is known all over Chicago as Gus Eisman the Button King, so one thing
+might <span class="pageNum" id="pb183">[<a href="#pb183">183</a>]</span>suggest another until people’s minds might begin to think something.
+</p>
+<p>But Dorothy said that she did not say anything more about me being a debutant at Little
+Rock, because after all Dorothy knows that I really did not make any debut in Little
+Rock, because just when it was time to make my debut, my gentleman friend Mr. Jennings
+became shot, and after the trial was over and all of the Jury had let me off, I was
+really much <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> fatigued to make any debut.
+</p>
+<p>So then Dorothy said, why don’t we throw a party now and you can become a debutant
+now and put them all in their place, because it seems that Dorothy is dying for a
+party. So that is really the first sensible suggestion that Dorothy has made yet,
+because I think that every girl who is engaged to a gentleman who has a fine old family
+like Henry, had really ought to be a debutant. So I told her to come right over and
+we would plan my debut but we would keep it very, very quiet and give it tomorrow
+night, because if Henry heard I was making my debut he would come up from Pennsylvania
+and he would practically spoil the party, because all Henry has to do to spoil a party
+is to arrive at it.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb184">[<a href="#pb184">184</a>]</span></p>
+<p>So Dorothy came over and we planned my debut. So first we decided to have some engraved
+invitations engraved, but it always takes quite a little time to have invitations
+engraved, and it would really be foolish because all of the gentlemen we were going
+to invite to my debut were all members of the Racquet Club, so I could just write
+out a notice that I was having a debut and give it to Willie Gwynn and have Willie
+Gwynn post it on the Racquet Club board.
+</p>
+<p>So Willie Gwynn posted it on the club board and then he called me up and he told me
+that he had never seen so much enthusiasm since the Dempsey-Firpo fight, and he said
+that the whole Racquet Club would be there in a body. So then we had to plan about
+what girls we would ask to my debut. Because I have not seemed to meet so many society
+women yet because of course a girl does not meet society women until her debut is
+all over, and then all the society women all come and call on a debutant. But I know
+practically all of the society men, because practically all of the society men belong
+to the Racquet club, so after I have the Racquet Club at my debut, all I have to do
+to take <span class="pageNum" id="pb185">[<a href="#pb185">185</a>]</span>my real place in society is to meet their mothers and sisters, because I know practically
+all of their sweethearts now.
+</p>
+<p>But I always seem to think that it is delightful to have quite a lot of girls at a
+party, if a girl has quite a lot of gentlemen at a party, and it is quite delightful
+to have all the girls from the Follies, but I really could not invite them because,
+after all, they are not in my set. So then I thought it all over and I thought that
+even if it was not etiquette to invite them to a party, it really would be etiquette
+to hire them to come to a party and be entertainers, and after they were entertainers
+they could mix in to the party and it really would not be a social error.
+</p>
+<p>So then the telephone rang and Dorothy answered it and it seems that it was Joe Sanguinetti,
+who is almost the official bootlegger for the whole Racquet Club, and Joe said he
+had heard about my debut and if he could come to my debut and bring his club which
+is the Silver Spray Social Club of Brooklyn, he would supply all of the liquor and
+he would guarantee to practically run the rum fleet up to the front door.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb186">[<a href="#pb186">186</a>]</span></p>
+<p>So Dorothy told him he could come, and she hung up the telephone before she told me
+his proposition, and I became quite angry with Dorothy because, after all, the Silver
+Spray Social Club is not even mentioned in the Social Register and it has no place
+at a girl’s debut. But Dorothy said by the time the party got into swing, anyone would
+have to be a genius if he could tell whether he belonged to the Racquet Club, the
+Silver Spray Social Club, or the Knights of Pythias. But I really was almost sorry
+that I asked Dorothy to help plan my debut, except that Dorothy is very good to have
+at a party if the police come in, because Dorothy always knows how to manage the police,
+and I never knew a policeman yet who did not finish up by being madly in love with
+Dorothy. So then Dorothy called up all of the reporters on all of the newspapers and
+invited them all to my debut, so they could see it with their own eyes.
+</p>
+<p>So Dorothy says that she is going to see to it that my debut lands on the front page
+of all of the newspapers, if we have to commit a murder to do it.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb187">[<a href="#pb187">187</a>]</span></p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>June 19th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well, it has been three days since my debut party started but I finally got tired
+and left the party last night and went to bed because I always seem to lose all of
+my interest in a party after a few days, but Dorothy never loses her interest in a
+party and when I woke up this morning Dorothy was just saying goodbye to some of the
+guests. I mean Dorothy seems to have quite a lot of vitality, because the last guests
+of the party were guests we picked up when the party went to take a swim at Long Beach
+the day before yesterday, and they were practically fresh, but Dorothy had gone clear
+through the party from beginning to end without even stopping to go to a Turkish bath
+as most of the gentlemen had to do. So my debut has really been very novel, because
+quite a lot of the guests who finished up at my debut were not the same guests that
+started out at it, and it is really quite novel for a girl to have so many different
+kinds of gentlemen at her debut. So it has really been a very great success because
+all of the newspapers have quite a lot of write-ups about my debut and I really felt
+quite proud when I saw the front <span class="pageNum" id="pb188">[<a href="#pb188">188</a>]</span>page of the <i>Daily Views</i> and it said in large size headlines, “LORELEI’S DEBUT A WOW!” And <i>Zits’ Weekly</i> came right out and said that if this party marks my entrance into society, they only
+hope that they can live to see what I will spring once I have overcome my debutant
+reserve and taken my place in the world.
+</p>
+<p>So I really had to apologise to Dorothy about asking Joe Sanguinetti to my debut because
+it was wonderful the way he got all of the liquor to the party and he more than kept
+his word. I mean he had his bootleggers run up from the wharf in taxis, right to the
+apartment, and the only trouble he had was, that once the bootleggers delivered the
+liquor, he could not get them to leave the party. So finally there was quite a little
+quarrel because Willie Gwynn claimed that Joe’s bootleggers were snubbing the members
+of his club because they would not let the boys from the Racquet club sing in their
+quartet. But Joe’s bootleggers said that the Racquet club boys wanted to sing songs
+that were unrefined, while they wanted to sing songs about Mother. So then everybody
+started to take sides, but the girls from the Follies were all <span class="pageNum" id="pb189">[<a href="#pb189">189</a>]</span>with Joe’s bootleggers from the start because practically all we girls were listening
+to them with tears <span class="sic" title="Correction: streaming">steaming</span> from our eyes. So that made the Racquet club jealous and one thing led to another
+until somebody rang for an ambulants and then the police came in.
+</p>
+<p>So Dorothy, as usual, won over all of the police. So it seems that the police all
+have orders from Judge Schultzmeyer, who is the famous judge who tries all of the
+prohibition cases, that any time they break into a party that looks like it was going
+to be a good party, to call him up no matter what time of the day or night it is,
+because Judge Schultzmeyer dearly loves a party. So the Police called up Judge Schultzmeyer
+and he was down in less than no time. So during the party both Joe Sanguinetti and
+Judge Schultzmeyer fell madly in love with Dorothy. So Joe and the Judge had quite
+a little quarrel and the Judge told Joe that if his stuff was fit to drink he would
+set the Law after him and confiscate it, but his stuff was not worth the while of
+any gentleman to confiscate who had any respect for his stomach, and he would not
+lower himself to confiscate it. So along about nine o’clock <span class="pageNum" id="pb190">[<a href="#pb190">190</a>]</span>in the morning Judge Schultzmeyer had to leave the party and go to court to try all
+of the criminals who break all of the laws, so he had to leave Dorothy and Joe together
+and he was very very angry. And I really felt quite sorry for any person who went
+up before Judge Schultzmeyer that morning, because he gave everybody 90 days and was
+back at the party by twelve o’clock. So then he stuck to the party until we were all
+going down to Long Beach to take a swim day before yesterday when he seemed to become
+unconscious, so we dropped him off at a sanitorium in Garden City.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure floatLeft p190width"><img src="images/p190.jpg" alt="“My debut was the greatest success of the social season.”" width="274" height="534"><p class="figureHead">“<i>My debut was the greatest success of the social season.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>So my debut party was really the greatest success of the social season, because the
+second night of my debut party was the night <span class="pageNum" id="pb191">[<a href="#pb191">191</a>]</span>when Willie Gwynn’s sister was having a dance at the Gwynn estate on Long Island,
+and Willie Gwynn said that all of the eligible gentlemen in New York were conspicuous
+by their <span class="sic" title="Correction: absence">absents</span> at his sister’s party, because they were all at my party. So it seems as if I am
+really going to be quite a famous hostess if I can just bring my mind to the point
+of being Mrs. Henry Spoffard Jr.
+</p>
+<p>Well Henry called up this morning and Henry said he had finally got his father’s mind
+so that he thought it was safe for me to meet him and he was coming up to get me this
+afternoon so that I can meet his family and see his famous old historical home at
+Pennsylvania. So then he asked about my debut party which some of the Philadelphia
+papers seemed to mention. But I told him that my debut was really not so much planned,
+as it was spontaneous, and I did not have the heart to call him up at a moments notice
+and take him away from his father at such a time for reasons which were nothing but
+social.
+</p>
+<p>So now I am getting ready to visit Henry’s family and I feel as if my whole future
+depends on it. Because if I can not stand <span class="pageNum" id="pb192">[<a href="#pb192">192</a>]</span>Henry’s family any more than I can stand Henry the whole thing will probly come to
+an end in the law court.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>June 21st</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well, I am now spending the weekend with Henry’s family at his old family mansion
+outside of Philadelphia, and I am beginning to think, after all, that there is something
+else in the world besides family. And I am beginning to think that family life is
+only fit for those who can stand it. For instants, they always seem to get up very
+early in Henry’s family. I mean it really is not so bad to get up early when there
+is something to get up early about, but when a girl gets up early and there is nothing
+to get up early about, it really begins to seem as if there was no sense to it.
+</p>
+<p>So yesterday we all got up early and that was when I met all of Henry’s family, because
+Henry and I motored down to Pennsylvania and everybody was in bed when we arrived
+because it was after nine o’clock. So in the morning Henry’s mother came to my room
+to get me up in time for breakfast because Henry’s mother is very very fond of <span class="pageNum" id="pb193">[<a href="#pb193">193</a>]</span>me, and she always wants to copy all of my gowns and she always loves to look through
+all of my things to see what I have got. So she found a box of liqueur candies that
+are full of liqueurs and she was really very delighted. So I finally got dressed and
+she threw the empty box away and I helped her down stairs to the Dining room.
+</p>
+<p>So Henry was waiting in the dining room with his sister and that was when I met his
+sister. So it seems that Henry’s sister has never been the same since the war, because
+she never had on a man’s collar and a necktie until she drove an <span class="sic" title="Correction: ambulance">ambulants</span> in the war, and now they cannot get her to take them off. Because ever since the
+armistice Henry’s sister seems to have the idea that regular <span class="sic" title="Correction: womens’">womens</span> clothes are <span class="sic" title="Correction: effeminate">effiminate</span>. So Henry’s sister seems to think of nothing but either horses or automobiles and
+when she is not in a garage the only other place she is happy in is a stable. I mean
+she really pays very little attention to all of her family and she seems to pay less
+attention to Henry than anybody else because she seems to have the idea that Henry’s
+brains are not so <span class="sic" title="Correction: virile">viril</span>. So then we all waited for Henry’s father to come in so <span class="pageNum" id="pb194">[<a href="#pb194">194</a>]</span>that he could read the Bible out loud before breakfast.
+</p>
+<p>So then something happened that really was a miracle. Because it seems that Henry’s
+father has practically lived in a wheel chair for months and months and his male nurse
+has to wheel him everywhere. So his male nurse wheeled him into the dining room in
+his wheel chair and then Henry said “Father, this is going to be your little daughter
+in law,” and Henry’s father took one good look at me and got right out of his wheel
+chair and walked! So then everybody was very very surprised, but Henry was not so
+surprised because Henry knows his father like a book. So then they all tried to calm
+his father down, and his father tried to read out of the Bible but he could hardly
+keep his mind on the Bible and he could hardly eat a bite because when a gentleman
+is as feeble as Henry’s father is, he cannot keep one eye on a girl and the other
+eye on his cereal and cream without coming to grief. So Henry finally became quite
+discouradged and he told his father he would have to get back to his room or he would
+have a relapse. So then the male nurse wheeled him back to his room <span class="pageNum" id="pb195">[<a href="#pb195">195</a>]</span>and it really was pathetic because he cried like a baby. So I got to thinking over
+what Dorothy advised me about Henry’s father and I really got to thinking that if
+Henry’s father could only get away from everybody and have some time of his own, Dorothy’s
+<span class="sic" title="Correction: advice">advise</span> might not be so bad after all.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p195width"><img src="images/p195.jpg" alt="“Henry’s father cannot keep one eye on a girl and the other on his cereal without coming to grief.”" width="539" height="274"><p class="figureHead">“<i>Henry’s father cannot keep one eye on a girl and the other on his cereal without coming
+to grief.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>So after breakfast we all got ready to go to church, but Henry’s sister does not go
+to church because Henry’s sister always likes to spend every Sunday in the garage
+taking their Ford farm truck apart and putting it back together again, and Henry says
+that what the war did to a girl like his sister is really worse than the war itself.
+</p>
+<p>So then Henry and his mother and I all went to church. So we came home from <span class="pageNum" id="pb196">[<a href="#pb196">196</a>]</span>church and we had luncheon and it seems that luncheon is practically the same as breakfast
+except that Henry’s father could not come down to luncheon because after he met me
+he contracted such a vialent fever that they had to send for the Doctor.
+</p>
+<p>So in the afternoon Henry went to prayer meeting and I was left alone with Henry’s
+mother so that we could rest up so that we could go to church again after supper.
+So Henry’s mother thinks I am nothing but sunshine and she will hardly let me get
+out of her sight, because she hates to be by herself because, when she is by herself,
+her brains hardly seem to work at all. So she loves to try on all of my hats and she
+loves to tell me how all the boys in the choir can hardly keep their eyes off her.
+So of course a girl has to agree with her, and it is quite difficult to agree with
+a person when you have to do it through an ear trumpet because sooner or later your
+voice has to give out.
+</p>
+<p>So then supper turned out to be practically the same thing as luncheon only by supper
+time all of the novelty seemed to wear off. So then I told Henry that I had to much
+of a headache to go to church again, so Henry <span class="pageNum" id="pb197">[<a href="#pb197">197</a>]</span>and his mother went to church and I went to my room and I sat down and thought and
+I decided that life was really <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> short to spend it in being proud of your family, even if they did have a great deal
+of money. So the best thing for me to do is to think up some scheme to make Henry
+decide not to marry me and take what I can get out of it and be satisfied.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>June 22nd</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well, yesterday I made Henry put me on the train at Philadelphia and I made him stay
+at Philadelphia so he could be near his father if his father seemed to take any more
+relapses. So I sat in my drawing room on the train and I decided that the time had
+come to get rid of Henry at any cost. So I decided that the thing that <span class="sic" title="Correction: discourages">discouradges</span> gentlemen more than anything else is shopping. Because even Mr. Eisman, who was practically
+born for we girls to shop on, and who knows just what to expect, often gets quite
+<span class="sic" title="Correction: discouraged">discouradged</span> over all of my shopping. So I decided I would get to New York and I would go to Cartiers
+and run up quite a large size bill on Henry’s credit, because after all <span class="pageNum" id="pb198">[<a href="#pb198">198</a>]</span>our engagement has been announced in all of the newspapers, and Henry’s credit is
+really my credit.
+</p>
+<p>So while I was thinking it all over there was a knock on the drawing room door, so
+I told him to come in and it was a gentleman who said he had seen me quite a lot in
+New York and he had always wanted to have an introduction to me, because we had quite
+a lot of friends who were common. So then he gave me his card and his name was on
+his card and it was Mr. Gilbertson Montrose and his profession is a senario writer.
+So then I asked him to sit down and we held a literary conversation.
+</p>
+<p>So I really feel as if yesterday was a turning point in my life, because at last I
+have met a gentleman who is not only an artist but who has got brains besides. I mean
+he is the kind of a gentleman that a girl could sit at his feet and listen to for
+days and days and nearly always learn something or other. Because, after all, there
+is nothing that gives a girl more of a thrill than brains in a gentleman, especially
+after a girl has been spending the week end with Henry. So Mr. Montrose talked and
+talked all of the way to New <span class="pageNum" id="pb199">[<a href="#pb199">199</a>]</span>York and I sat there and did nothing else but listen. So according to Mr. Montrose’s
+opinion <span class="sic" title="Correction: Shakespeare">Shakespear</span> is a very great <span class="sic" title="Correction: playwright">playwrite</span>, and he thinks that Hamlet is quite a famous tragedy and as far as novels are concerned
+he believes that nearly everybody had ought to read Dickens. And when we got on the
+subject of poetry he recited “The Shooting of Dan McGrew” until you could almost hear
+the gun go off.
+</p>
+<p></p>
+<div class="figure p199width"><img src="images/p199.jpg" alt="“When he recited ‘The Shooting of Dan McGrew’ you could almost hear the gun go off.”" width="537" height="275"><p class="figureHead">“<i>When he recited ‘The Shooting of Dan McGrew’ you could almost hear the gun go off.</i>”</p>
+</div><p>
+</p>
+<p>And then I asked Mr. Montrose to tell me all about himself. So it seems that Mr. Montrose
+was on his way home from Washington D. C., where he went to see the Bulgarian Ambassadore
+to see if he could get Bulgaria to finance a senario he has written which is <span class="pageNum" id="pb200">[<a href="#pb200">200</a>]</span>a great historical subject which is founded on the sex life of Dolly Madison. So it
+seems that Mr. Montrose has met quite a lot of Bulgarians in a Bulgarian restaurant
+on Lexington Avenue and that was what gave him the idea to get the money from Bulgaria.
+Because Mr. Montrose said that he could fill his senario full of Bulgarian propoganda,
+and he told the Bulgarian Ambassadore that every time he realised how ignorant all
+of the American film fans were on the subject of Bulgaria, it made him flinch.
+</p>
+<p>So I told Mr. Montrose that it made me feel very very small to talk to a gentleman
+like he, who knew so much about Bulgaria, because practically all I knew about Bulgaria
+was Zoolack. So Mr. Montrose said that the Bulgarian Ambassadore did not seem to think
+that Dolly Madison had so much about her that was pertinent to present day Bulgaria,
+but Mr. Montrose explained to him that that was because he knew practically nothing
+about dramatic construction. Because Mr. Montrose said he could fix his senario so
+that Dolly Madison would have one lover who was a Bulgarian, who wanted to marry her.
+So then Dolly Madison would get to wondering <span class="pageNum" id="pb201">[<a href="#pb201">201</a>]</span>what her great, great grandchildren would be like if she married a Bulgarian, and
+then she could sit down and have a vision of Bulgaria in 1925. So that was when Mr.
+Montrose would take a trip to Bulgaria to photograph the vision. But the Bulgarian
+Ambassadore turned down the whole proposition, but he gave Mr. Montrose quite a large
+size bottle of the Bulgarian national drink. So the Bulgarian national drink looks
+like nothing so much as water, and it really does not taste so strong, but about five
+minutes afterwards you begin to <span class="sic" title="Correction: realize">realise</span> your mistake. But I thought to myself that if realizing my mistake could make me
+forget what I went through in Pennsylvania, I really owed it to myself to forget everything.
+So then we had another drink.
+</p>
+<p>So then Mr. Montrose told me that he had quite a hard time getting along in the motion
+picture profession, because all of his <span class="sic" title="Correction: scenarios">senarios</span> are all over their head. Because when Mr. Montrose writes about sex, it is full of
+<span class="sic" title="Correction: psychology">sychology</span>, but when everybody else writes about it, it is full of nothing but transparent <span class="sic" title="Correction: negligees">negligays</span> and ornamental bath tubs. And Mr. Montrose says that there is no future in the <span class="pageNum" id="pb202">[<a href="#pb202">202</a>]</span>motion pictures until the motion pictures get their sex motives straightened out,
+and realize that a woman of 25 can have just as many sex problems as a flapper of
+16. Because Mr. Montrose likes to write about women of the world, and he refuses to
+have women of the world played by small size girls of 15 who know nothing about life
+and who have not even been in the detention home.
+</p>
+<p>So we both arrived in New York before we realized it, and I got to thinking how the
+same trip with Henry in his Rolls Royce seemed like about 24 hours, and that was what
+gave me the idea that money was not everything, because after all, it is only brains
+that count. So Mr. Montrose took me home and we are going to have luncheon together
+at the Primrose Tea room practically every day and keep right on holding literary
+conversations.
+</p>
+<p>So then I had to figure out how to get rid of Henry and at the same time not do anything
+that would make me any trouble later. So I sent for Dorothy because Dorothy is not
+so good at intreeging a gentleman with money, but she ought to be full of ideas on
+how to get rid of one.
+<span class="pageNum" id="pb203">[<a href="#pb203">203</a>]</span></p>
+<p>So at first Dorothy said, Why didn’t I take a chance and marry Henry because she had
+an idea that if Henry married me he would commit suicide about two weeks later. But
+I told her about my plan to do quite a lot of shopping, and I told her that I would
+send for Henry and I would manage it so that I would not be in the apartment when
+he came, but she could be there and start a conversation with him and she could tell
+him about all of my shopping and how extravagant I seemed to be and he would be in
+the poor house in less than a year if he married me.
+</p>
+<p>So Dorothy said for me to take one farewell look at Henry and leave him to her, because
+the next time I saw him would be in the witness box and I might not even recognize
+him because she would throw a scare into him that might change his whole physical
+appearance. So I decided to leave him in the hands of Dorothy and hope for the best.
+</p>
+<p class="dateentry"><i>July 10th</i>:
+</p>
+<p>Well, last month was really almost a diary in itself, and I have to begin to realize
+that I am one of the kind of girls that things happen <span class="pageNum" id="pb204">[<a href="#pb204">204</a>]</span>to. And I have to admit, after all, that life is really wonderful. Because so much
+has happened in the last few weeks that it almost makes a girl’s brains whirl.
+</p>
+<p>I mean in the first place I went shopping at Cartiers and bought quite a delightful
+square cut emerald and quite a long rope of pearls on Henry’s credit. So then I called
+up Henry on the long distants telephone and told him that I wanted to see him quite
+a lot, so he was very very pleased and he said that he would come right up to New
+York.
+</p>
+<p>So then I told Dorothy to come to the apartment and be there when Henry came, and
+to show Henry what I bought on his credit, and to tell him how extravagant I seem
+to be, and how I seem to keep on getting worse. So I told Dorothy to go as far as
+she liked, so long as she did not insinuate anything against my character, because
+the more spotless my character seems to be, the better things might turn out later.
+So Henry was due at the apartment about 1.20, so I had Lulu get some luncheon for
+he and Dorothy and I told Dorothy to tell him that I <span class="pageNum" id="pb205">[<a href="#pb205">205</a>]</span>had gone out to look at the Russian Crown Jewels that some Russian Grand Duchess or
+other had for sale at the Ritz.
+</p>
+<p>So then I went to the Primrose Tea Room to have luncheon with Mr. Montrose because
+Mr. Montrose loves to tell me of all his plans, and he says that I seem to remind
+him quite a lot of a girl called Madame Recamier who all the <span class="sic" title="Correction: intellectual">intelectual</span> gentlemen used to tell all of their plans to, even when there was a French revolution
+going on all around them.
+</p>
+<p>So Mr. Montrose and I had a delicious luncheon, except that I never seem to notice
+what I am eating when I am with Mr. Montrose because when Mr. Montrose talks a girl
+wants to do nothing but listen. But all of the time I was listening, I was thinking
+about Dorothy and I was worrying for fear Dorothy would go <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> far, and tell Henry something that would not be so good for me afterwards. So finally
+even Mr. Montrose seemed to notice it, and he said “What’s the matter little woman,
+a penny for your thoughts.”
+</p>
+<p>So then I told him everything. So he seemed to think quite a lot and finally he said
+to me “It is really to bad that you feel as <span class="pageNum" id="pb206">[<a href="#pb206">206</a>]</span>if the social life of Mr. Spoffard bored you, because Mr. Spoffard would be ideal
+to finance my senario.” So then Mr. Montrose said that he had been thinking from the
+very first how ideal I would be to play Dolly Madison. So that started me thinking
+and I told Mr. Montrose that I expected to have quite a large size ammount of money
+later on, and I would finance it myself. But Mr. Montrose said that would be to late,
+because all of the motion picture corporations were after it now, and it would be
+snaped up almost immediately.
+</p>
+<p>So then I became almost in a panick, because I suddenly decided that if I married
+Henry and worked in the motion pictures at the same time, society life with Henry
+would not really be so bad. Because if a girl was so busy as all that, it really would
+not seem to matter so much if she had to stand Henry when she was not busy. But then
+I realized what Dorothy was up to, and I told Mr. Montrose that I was almost afraid
+it was to late. So I hurried to the telephone and I called up Dorothy at the apartment
+and I asked her what she had said to Henry. So Dorothy said that she showed him the
+square <span class="pageNum" id="pb207">[<a href="#pb207">207</a>]</span>cut emerald and told him that I bought it as a knick-knack to go with a green dress,
+but I had got a spot on the dress, so I was going to give them both to Lulu. So she
+said she showed him the pearls and she said that after I had bought them, I was sorry
+I did not get pink ones because white ones were so common, so I was going to have
+Lulu unstring them and sew them on a negligay. So then she told him she was rather
+sorry I meant to buy the Russian Crown jewels because she had a feeling they were
+unlucky, but that I had said to her, that if I found out they were, I could toss them
+over my left shoulder into the Hudson river some night when there was a new moon,
+and it would take away the curse.
+</p>
+<p>So then she said that Henry began to get restless. So then she told him she was very
+glad I was going to get married at last because I had had such bad luck, that every
+time I became engaged something seemed to happen to my fiance. So Henry asked her
+what, for instance. So Dorothy said a couple were in the insane asylum, one had shot
+himself for debt, and the county farm was taking care of the remainder. So Henry <span class="pageNum" id="pb208">[<a href="#pb208">208</a>]</span>asked her how they got that way. So Dorothy told him it was nothing but my <span class="sic" title="Correction: extravagance">extravagants</span>, and she told him that she was surprised that he had never heard about it, because
+all I had to do was to take luncheon at the Ritz with some prominent broker and the
+next day the bottom would drop out of the market. And she told him that she did not
+want to insinuate anything, but that I had dined with a very, very prominent German
+the day before German marks started to <span class="sic" title="Correction: collapse">colapse</span>.
+</p>
+<p>So I became almost frantic and I told Dorothy to hold Henry at the apartment until
+I could get up there and explain. So I held the telephone while Dorothy went to see
+if Henry would wait. So Dorothy came back in a minute and she said that the parlor
+was empty, but that if I would hurry down to Broadway no doubt I would see a cloud
+of dust heading towards the Pennsylvania station, and that would be Henry.
+</p>
+<p>So then I went back to Mr. Montrose, and I told him that I must catch Henry at the
+Pennsylvania Station at any cost. And if anyone were to say that we left the Primrose
+tea room in a hurry, they would be putting it <span class="pageNum" id="pb209">[<a href="#pb209">209</a>]</span>quite mildly. So we got to the Pennsylvania station and I just had time to get on
+board the train to Philadelphia and I left Mr. Montrose standing at the train biting
+his finger nails in all of his anxiety. But I called out to him to go to his Hotel
+and I would telephone the result as soon as the train arrived.
+</p>
+<p>So then I went through the train, and there was Henry with a look on his face which
+I shall never forget. So when he saw me he really seemed to shrink to ½ his natural
+size. So I sat down beside him and I told him that I was really ashamed of how he
+acted, and if his love for me could not stand a little test that I and Dorothy had
+thought up, more in the spirit of fun than anything else, I never wanted to speak
+to such a gentleman again. And I told him that if he could not tell the difference
+between a real square cut emerald and one from the ten cent store, that he had ought
+to be ashamed of himself. And I told him that if he thought that every string of white
+beads were pearls, it was no wonder he could make such a mistake in judging the character
+of a girl. So then I began to cry because of all of Henry’s lack <span class="pageNum" id="pb210">[<a href="#pb210">210</a>]</span>of faith. So then he tried to cheer me up but I was <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> hurt to even give him a decent word until we were past Newark. But by the time we
+were past Newark, Henry was crying himself, and it always makes me feel so tender
+hearted to listen to a gentleman cry that I finally forgave him. So, of course, as
+soon as I got home I had to take them back to Cartiers.
+</p>
+<p>So then I explained to Henry how I wanted our life to mean something and I wanted
+to make the World a better place than it seemed to have been yet. And I told him that
+he knew so much about the film profession on account of <span class="sic" title="Correction: censuring">senshuring</span> all of the films that I thought he had ought to go into the film profession. Because
+I told him that a gentleman like he really owed it to the world to make pure films
+so that he could be an example to all of the other film corporations and show the
+world what pure films were like. So Henry became very, very <span class="sic" title="Correction: intrigued">intreeged</span> because he had never thought of the film profession before. So then I told him that
+we could get H. Gilbertson Montrose to write the <span class="sic" title="Correction: scenarios">senarios</span>, and he to <span class="sic" title="Correction: censor">senshure</span> them, and I could act in them and by the time we all got through, they would <span class="pageNum" id="pb211">[<a href="#pb211">211</a>]</span>be a work of art. But they would even be purer than most works of art seem to be.
+So by the time we got to Philadelphia Henry said that he would do it, but he really
+did not think I had ought to act in them. But I told him from what I had seen of society
+women trying to break into the films, I did not believe that it would be so declasée
+if one of them really landed. So I even talked him into that.
+</p>
+<p>So when we got to Henry’s country estate, we told all of Henry’s family and they were
+all delighted. Because it is the first time since the war that Henry’s family have
+had anything definite to put their minds on. I mean Henry’s sister really jumped at
+the idea because she said she would take charge of the studio trucks and keep them
+at a bed-rock figure. So I even promised Henry’s mother that she could act in the
+films. I mean I even believe that we could put in a close-up of her from time to time,
+because after all, nearly every photoplay has to have some comedy relief. And I promised
+Henry’s father that we would wheel him through the studio and let him look at all
+of the actresses and he <span class="pageNum" id="pb212">[<a href="#pb212">212</a>]</span>nearly had another relapse. So then I called up Mr. Montrose and made an appointment
+with him to meet Henry and talk it all over, and Mr. Montrose, said, “Bless you, little
+woman.”
+</p>
+<p>So I am almost beginning to believe it, when everybody says I am nothing but sunshine
+because everybody I come into contract with always seems to become happy. I mean with
+the exception of Mr. Eisman. Because when I got back to New York, I opened all of
+his cablegrams and I realized that he was due to arrive on the <i>Aquitania</i> the very next day. So I met him at the <i>Aquitania</i> and I took him to luncheon at the Ritz and I told him all about everything. So then
+he became very, very depressed because he said that just as soon as he had got me
+all educated, I had to go off and get married. But I told him that he really ought
+to be very proud of me, because in the future, when he would see me at luncheon at
+the Ritz as the wife of the famous Henry H. Spoffard, I would always bow to him, if
+I saw him, and he could point me out to all of his friends and tell them that it was
+he, Gus Eisman himself, who educated me <span class="pageNum" id="pb213">[<a href="#pb213">213</a>]</span>up to my station. So that cheered Mr. Eisman up a lot and I really do not care what
+he says to his friends, because, after all, his friends are not in my set, and whatever
+he says to them will not get around in my circle. So after our luncheon was all over,
+I really think that, even if Mr. Eisman was not so happy, he could not help having
+a sort of a feeling of relief, especially when he thinks of all my shopping.
+</p>
+<p>So after that came my wedding and all of the Society people in New York and Philadelphia
+came to my wedding and they were all so sweet to me, because practically every one
+of them has written a <span class="sic" title="Correction: scenario">senario</span>. And everybody says my wedding was very, very beautiful. I mean even Dorothy said
+it was very beautiful, only Dorothy said she had to concentrate her mind on the massacre
+of the Armenians to keep herself from laughing right out loud in everybody’s face.
+But that only shows that not even Matrimony is sacred to a girl like Dorothy. And
+after the wedding was over, I overheard Dorothy talking to Mr. Montrose and she was
+telling Mr. Montrose that she thought that I would be <span class="pageNum" id="pb214">[<a href="#pb214">214</a>]</span>great in the movies if he would write me a part that only had three expressions, Joy,
+Sorrow, and Indigestion. So I do not really believe that Dorothy is such a true friend
+after all.
+</p>
+<p>So Henry and I did not go on any honeymoon because I told Henry that it really would
+be selfish for us to go off alone together, when all of our activities seemed to need
+us so much. Because, after all, I have to spend quite a lot of time with Mr. Montrose
+going over the senario together because, Mr. Montrose says I am full of nothing so
+much as ideas.
+</p>
+<p>So, in order to give Henry something to do while Mr. Montrose and I are working on
+the senario I got Henry to organize a Welfare League among all of the extra girls
+and get them to tell him all of their problems so he can give them all of his spiritual
+aid. And it has really been a very, very great success, because there is not much
+work going on at the other studios at present so all of the extra girls have nothing
+better to do and they all know that Henry will not give them a job at our studio unless
+they belong. <span class="pageNum" id="pb215">[<a href="#pb215">215</a>]</span>So the worse they tell Henry they have been before they met him, the better he likes
+it and Dorothy says that she was at the studio yesterday and she says that if the
+senarios those extra girls have written around themselves to tell Henry could only
+be screened and gotten past the sensors, the movies would move right up out of their
+infancy.
+</p>
+<p>So Henry says that I have opened up a whole new world for him and he has never been
+so happy in his life. And it really seems as if everyone I know has never been so
+happy in their lives. Because I make Henry let his father come to the studio every
+day because, after all, every studio has to have somebody who seems to be a pest,
+and in our case it might just as well be Henry’s father. So I have given orders to
+all of the electricians not to drop any lights on him, but to let him have a good
+time because, after all, it is the first one he has had. And as far as Henry’s mother
+is concerned, she is having her hair bobbed and her face lifted and getting ready
+to play Carmen because she saw a girl called Madam Calve play it when she was on her
+honeymoon and she has always <span class="pageNum" id="pb216">[<a href="#pb216">216</a>]</span>really felt that she could do it better. So I do not <span class="sic" title="Correction: discourage">discouradge</span> her, but I let her go ahead and enjoy herself. But I am not going to bother to speak
+to the electricians about Henry’s mother. And Henry’s sister has never been so happy
+since the Battle of Verdun, because she has six trucks and 15 horses to look after
+and she says that the motion picture profession is the nearest thing to war that she
+has struck since the Armistice. And even Dorothy is very happy because Dorothy says
+that she has had more laughs this month than Eddie Cantor gets in a year. But when
+it comes to Mr. Montrose, I really believe that he is happier than anybody else, because
+of all of the understanding and sympathy he seems to get out of me.
+</p>
+<p>And so I am very happy myself because, after all, the greatest thing in life is to
+always be making everybody else happy. And so, while everybody is so happy, I really
+think it is a good time to finish my diary because after all, I am <span class="sic" title="Correction: too">to</span> busy going over my senarios with Mr. Montrose, to keep up any other kind of literary
+work. And I am so busy bringing sunshine into the life of Henry <span class="pageNum" id="pb217">[<a href="#pb217">217</a>]</span>that I really think, with everything else I seem to acomplish, it is all a girl had
+ought to try to do. And so I really think that I can say good-bye to my diary feeling
+that, after all, everything always turns out for the best.
+</p>
+<p class="trailer xd31e1957">THE END</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div class="back">
+<div class="div1 cover"><span class="pageNum">[<a href="#toc">Contents</a>]</span><div class="divBody">
+<p class="first"></p>
+<div class="figure backwidth"><img src="images/back.jpg" alt="Original Back Cover." width="469" height="720"></div><p>
+</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div class="transcriberNote">
+<h2 class="main">Colophon</h2>
+<h3 class="main">Availability</h3>
+<p class="first">This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions
+whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project
+Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at <a class="seclink xd31e44" title="External link" href="https://www.gutenberg.org/" rel="home">www.gutenberg.org</a>.
+</p>
+<p>This eBook is produced by the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at <a class="seclink xd31e44" title="External link" href="https://www.pgdp.net/">www.pgdp.net</a>.
+</p>
+<h3 class="main">Metadata</h3>
+<table class="colophonMetadata" summary="Metadata">
+<tr>
+<td><b>Title:</b></td>
+<td>“Gentlemen prefer blondes”: the illuminating diary of a professional lady</td>
+<td></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><b>Author:</b></td>
+<td>Anita Loos (1889–1981)</td>
+<td><a href="https://viaf.org/viaf/56711909/" class="seclink">Info</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><b>Illustrator:</b></td>
+<td>Ralph Barton (1891–1931)</td>
+<td><a href="https://viaf.org/viaf/47084514/" class="seclink">Info</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><b>Language:</b></td>
+<td>English</td>
+<td></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><b>Original publication date:</b></td>
+<td>1925</td>
+<td></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<h3 class="main">Encoding</h3>
+<p class="first">The numerous spelling mistakes in this work are intentional, and have thus been retained.
+Extra pages that duplicate the chapter headings have been omitted.</p>
+<p>The reference in the copyright notice to <i>Harper’s Bazar</i> is correct. The name of that publication was changed to <i>Harper’s Bazaar</i> in 1930, after the publication of this book.</p>
+<h3 class="main">Revision History</h3>
+<ul>
+<li>2021-11-25 Started.
+</li>
+</ul>
+<h3 class="main">External References</h3>
+<p>This Project Gutenberg eBook contains external references. These links may not work
+for you.</p>
+<h3 class="main">Corrections</h3>
+<p>The following corrections have been applied to the text:</p>
+<table class="correctionTable" summary="Overview of corrections applied to the text.">
+<tr>
+<th>Page</th>
+<th>Source</th>
+<th>Correction</th>
+<th>Edit distance</th>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="width20"><a class="pageref" href="#xd31e1033">108</a></td>
+<td class="width40 bottom">.</td>
+<td class="width40 bottom">,</td>
+<td class="bottom">1</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="width20"><a class="pageref" href="#xd31e1048">111</a></td>
+<td class="width40 bottom">
+[<i>Not in source</i>]
+</td>
+<td class="width40 bottom">”</td>
+<td class="bottom">1</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="width20"><a class="pageref" href="#xd31e1119">121</a></td>
+<td class="width40 bottom">‘</td>
+<td class="width40 bottom">“</td>
+<td class="bottom">1</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK "GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES" ***</div>
+<div style='text-align:left'>
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