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diff --git a/old/66775-0.txt b/old/66775-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 0f4c2c9..0000000 --- a/old/66775-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2974 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of Bottoms Up, by George Jean Nathan - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: Bottoms Up - An Application of the Slapstick to Satire - -Author: George Jean Nathan - -Release Date: November 19, 2021 [eBook #66775] - -Language: English - -Produced by: Charlene Taylor, SF2001, and the Online Distributed - Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was - produced from images generously made available by The - Internet Archive/American Libraries.) - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BOTTOMS UP *** - - - - - -BOTTOMS UP - - - - -BOTTOMS UP - -AN APPLICATION OF THE SLAPSTICK TO SATIRE - -=BY GEORGE JEAN NATHAN= - - - NEW YORK - PHILIP GOODMAN COMPANY - 1917 - - - - - COPYRIGHT 1917 BY - PHILIP GOODMAN COMPANY - - - - -CONTENTS - - - I. Continued in the Advertising Section 5 - II. We We 8 - III. The Queen of the Veronal Ring 13 - IV. Who’s Who in America 22 - V. A Little Child Shall Lead Them 23 - VI. The Letters 27 - VII. Promenades With Pantaloon 34 - VIII. Fanny’s Second Play 50 - IX. Glossaries 59 - X. Stories of the Operas 63 - XI. Three Modern Dramatists 66 - XII. Villainy 67 - XIII. A French Vest Pocket Dictionary 69 - XIV. What You Get for Your Money 72 - - - - -“CONTINUED IN ADVERTISING SECTION, PAGE 290” - - OR - MAGAZINE FICTION À LA MODE - - - [_Page 290_ - -Unable to contain himself longer, although he realized the vast -futility of it all, Massington seized her in his arms and buried her -lovely eyes and hair in the storm of a thousand kisses. - -“You love me, Lolo--tell me you love me!” he choked. - -“No! no!” she cried, struggling from his clasp with an adorable -coquetry. “No, it must not be.” - -Massington, for the moment, found himself unable to speak. Then, “Why?” -he asked simply, softly. - -“Because,” the girl replied, with a cunning _moué_--“because - - [_Page 291_ - - In the finest homes and at the best-appointed tables _CAMPBELL’S_ - TOMATO SOUP is recognized as a dinner course of faultless quality and - suited to the most important occasions. - - [_Page 292_ - -I don’t yet know my own mind,” she finished. - -Massington moved toward her. The amber glow of a small table lamp -lighted up the bronze glory of Lolo’s tumbled tresses. And her eyes -were as twin Chopin nocturnes dreaming out the melody of a far-off, -unattainable love. - -He paused before daring to lift his voice against the wonderful silence -that, like midnight on southern Pacific seas, hung over her. - -Presently, “When you do decide, what then?” he ventured. - -“When I do decide,” she told him, “it will be forever. But ere I give -you my answer, ere we take the step that must mean so much in our -lives, we must both be strong enough to remember that - - [_Page 293_ - - RESICURA SOAP - - gives natural beauty to skin and hair. It is not only cleansing and - softening, but its regular use imparts that natural beauty of perfect - health which even the best of cosmetics can only remotely imitate. For - trial cake, send four cents in stamps to Dept. 19-D, Resicura Company, - Toledo, Ohio. - - [_Page 294_ - -Society demands certain conventions that dare not be intruded upon.” -Lolo toyed with some roses on the table at her side--roses he had sent -her that same afternoon. - -“But, darling,” breathed Massington, “what are mere conventions for us -two now?” - -Lolo tore at one of the roses with her teeth. “Oh!” she exclaimed, -flinging out her arm wildly toward the ugly green wall-paper of her -room that symbolized everything she so hated--“Oh, I know--I know! I do -not want to think of them, but I--but we--must, Jason sweetheart, we -must! And life so all-wondrous, beating vainly against their iron bars -and looking beyond them into paradise. We _must_ think of them,”--a -little sob crept from her throat,--“we _must_ think of them!” - -“Let us think, rather,” said Massington, “of that other world in which -we might live, to which, Lolo dear, we might go, and, once there, be -away from every one, all alone, we two--just you and I. Let us think -of Spain, shimmering like some great topaz under the tropic sun; of -the Pyrenees that, purpled against the evening heavens, watch over the -peaceful valleys of Santo Dalmerigo; of the drowsy noons and silver -moons of Italy; let us think, loved one, of the rippling Mediterranean -and of - - [_Page 295_ - - OXO-CRYSALENE - - (established 1864) - - for Whooping Cough, Spasmodic Croup, Asthma, Sore Throat, Coughs, - Bronchitis, Colds and Catarrh. A simple, safe, and effective - treatment. A boon to all sufferers. Its best recommendation is its - fifty years of successful use. - - For sale by All Druggists. - - [_Page 296_ - -France singing like a thousand violins under summer skies.” - -Lolo did not answer. - -Massington waited. “Well?” he asked. - - -(_To be continued in the next number._) - - - - -WE WE - -_Being a pocket manual of conversation (English-French) with recognized -pronunciation, and containing just and only such words and phrases as -the average American needs and uses during the day in Paris._ - - -MORNING - - _Vocabulary_ | _Vocabulaire_ | _Pronunciation_ - | | - Coffee (with milk) and | Du café au lait et des | Dew Coffee oh late et - rolls | petits pains. | days petty pains. - | | - The check | L’addition. | Ladditziyawn. - | | - How much? | Combien? | Come-bean? - | | - Overcharge! | La survente! | La servant! - | | - It’s a shame! | C’est dommage! | Kest dumb-age! - | | - I don’t pay! | Je ne paye pas! | Jay no pay pass! - | | - You think Americans are | Vous croyez que les | Vuz croyz cue lays - easy marks. | Américains sont des | Americans sont days - | belles poires. | bells pores. - | | - Where is the | Ou est le premier | Oo est lay primer - headwaiter? | garçon? | garson? - | | - Extortion! | L’extorsion! | Lee extortion! - | | - Audacity! | L’audace! | Lowdace! - | | - What impudence! | Quel effronterie! | Kwel effrontry! - | | - A crime! | Un crime! | Yune cree-um! - | | - Robbers! | Les voleurs! | Lays velours! - | | - Call a policeman! | Appelez un gendarme! | Apple-ease yune cop! - | | - One franc!! | Un franc!! | Yune frank!! - | | - A shame! | L’infamie! | Linfame! - | | - Insolence! | L’insolence! | Linsolance! - | | - Damned frog-eating | Les sacrés mangeurs de | Lays sackers mangers - Frenchmen! | grenouilles français! | dee grenoolies - | | frankays! - - -NOON - - _Vocabulary_ | _Vocabulaire_ | _Pronunciation_ - | | - The bill of fare. | La carte (du jour). | La card (dee jury). - | | - Roast beef and | Un rosbif aux pommes | Yune roastbif oh poms - potatoes. | de terre. | dee tear. - | | - A toothpick. | Un cure-dent. | Yune curedent. - | | - The check. | L’addition. | Ladditziyawn. - | | - Great Scott! | Bon Scott! | Bonnie Scot! - | | - You must take Americans | Vous croyez que les | Vuz croyz cue lays - for boobs! | Américains sont des | Americans sont days - | fous! | simps! - | | - A dirty shame! | L’infamie vilaine! | Linfame Verlaine! - | | - Where’s the manager? | Ou est le maître | Oo est lay mater dee - | d’hôtel? | hotel? - | | - Two francs! | Deux francs! | Deuce franks! - | | - What! | Quoi! | Quoit! - | | - Incredible! | C’est incroyable! | Kest incroybul! - | | - It’s awful! | C’est affreux! | Kest affrooz! - | | - You can go chase | Chasse-toi! | Chase toy! - yourself! | | - | | - Why, in Chicago-- | Mais à Chicago-- | May in Shicawgo-- - - -AFTERNOON - - _Vocabulary_ | _Vocabulaire_ | _Pronunciation_ - | | - So this is the Pré | Eh, bien! Le Pré | E bean! Lee Pree - Catelan! | Catelan! | Cattleland! - | | - It’s not up to | Ce n’est pas si | Key nest pass so - Elitch’s Gardens. | bon que les jardins | bon cue lays jardins - | d’Elitch. | dee Elitch. - | | - Waiter, a Bronx. | Garçon, un apéritif | Garson, yune - | Bronx. | aperteef Bronx. - | | - Gee, that’s a | Mon Dieu! Quelle | Mon doo! Kwel - peach of a | jolie poulette au | jolly pulay aw - chicken in the | chapeau vert! | shapyou vert! - green hat! | | - | | - Waiter, my | Garçon, l’addition. | Garson, my - check. | | ladditziyawn. - | | - What! Fifty centimes? | Quoi! Cinquante | Quoit! Sinkant - | centimes? | sentimes? - | | - Do you think us | Croyez-vous que | Croyz vuz cue - Americans are | nous Américains | news Americans - rubes? | sont des fermiers? | sont days fermeers? - | | - Too much! | Trop! | Tropp! - | | - I can’t consent to | Je ne puis y consentir!| Jay nee pewis - it! | | why consenter! - | | - An awful over-charge! | Une survente terrible! | Uni servant terrible! - | | - Damned French | Les Français sont | Lays Frankays - swindlers! | des escrocs damnables! | sont days escrocks - | | damnable! - - -EVENING - - _Vocabulary_ | _Vocabulaire_ | _Pronunciation_ - | | - Hey there! Taxi! | Hé! Arrêtez! | Either whistle or - | Taxi! | wave arms. - | | - Café de la Paix! | Café de la Paix! | Caif della Pays! - | | - How much, driver? | Combien, chauffeur? | Come-bean, showfer? - | | - Thirty centimes! | Trente centimes! | Trenton sentimes! - | | - Cursed crook! | Maudit voleur! | Maude velour! - | | - It’s an absolute | C’est une véritable | Kest uni veritable - imposition! | exploitation! | exploitation! - | | - Change this five-franc | Changez cette | Changey settee - piece. | pièce de cinq | piece dee sink - | francs. | franks. - | | - Well, anyway, I | (Merely thought, | Counterfeit. - got the right | never verbalized) | - change. | | - | | - Waiter, bring me | Garçon, apportez | Garson, apporty - some roast beef | moi un rosbif aux | moey yune roastbif - and potatoes. | pommes de terre. | oh poms dee - | | tear. - | | - A toothpick. | Un cure-dent. | Yune curedent. - | | - My check! | L’addition! | My ladditziyawn! - | | - Two francs! | Deux francs! | Deuce franks! - | | - Hell! | L’Enfer! | Loafer! - | | - You take us | Vous croyez que | Vuz croyz cue - Americans for | nous Américains | news Americans - hayseeds. | sont des graines | sont days grains - | du foin. | dew fun. - | | - Two francs! I’m | Deux francs! | Je Deuce franks! - sore! | m’enrage! | Jay mennyrage! - | | - Here is your money | Voici votre argent | Voce vote argent - and--_good night_! | et--bon | et--_bon sore_! - | soir!! | - - -NIGHT - - _Vocabulary_ | _Vocabulaire_ | _Pronunciation_ - | | - Maxim’s at last! | Enfin, Maxim’s! | Whoop-ee! - | | - Ah there, kiddo! | Eh, bébé! | E baby! - | | - Sure, I’ll buy you | Certainement, | Certainment, - wine. | j’acheterai du | joshetarie dew - | champagne. | wine. - | | - I love you. | Je vous aime. | Jay vus Amy. - | | - Oh, you’re kidding | Vous me taquinez. | Vuz me tackknees. - | | - More wine? Sure, | Plus de champagne? | Plus dee wine? - dearie! | Certainement | Certainment, my - | ma chérie! | cherry! - - -TWO A. M. - - _Vocabulary_ | _Vocabulaire_ | _Pronunciation_ - | | - Stung! | Une piqûre! | Uni picker! - - -BACK HOME: A MONTH LATER - _Vocabulary_ | _Vocabulaire_ | _Pronunciation_ - | | - Honestly, Mary, | Vraiment, Marie, | Naturally. - I was true to | je vous fus fidèle. | - you. - - -FOOTNOTE. - - _Inasmuch as the only persons in all Paris who do not try to speak - English are the Americans, it is advisable for the Americans in Paris - to try speaking English and reserve their French for the United - States where the only persons who do not try to speak French are the - Frenchmen._ - - - - -THE QUEEN OF THE VERONAL RING - -_A Guaranteed Box Office Melodrama in One Act, Containing Just and -Only Such Famous Melodramatic Lines as Have for Countless Years Been -Successful in Evoking the Plaudits and Hisses of Melodrama Audiences._ - - -CAST - - DICK STRONG: | A hero. - MARY DALLAS: | A country girl. - ABNER DALLAS: | Mary’s aged father. - JEM DALTON: | A villain. - -SCENE: Sitting room of Abner Dallas’ home. - -PLACE: A small country town in New York State. - -TIME: The present day. - -_When the curtain rises, the stage is in complete darkness. Mary -enters, goes to centre table and turns up small oil lamp. Immediately -the whole stage is lighted with a dazzling brilliance. Mary catches -sight of Dalton standing in doorway L.U.E. A sinister smile is on his -lips, a riding crop in his hand._ - -MARY - -(_shrinking back_) - -My God--_you_! What do _you_ want here? - -DALTON - -(_advancing with his hat on and switching his boot with riding crop_) - -Ha, my pretty one, we shall see--we shall see. - -MARY - -(_in tears_) - -Oh, how can you, how can you? Was it not enough that you stole my -youth, that you made me what I am? - -DALTON - -So, my proud beauty, your spirit is broken at last! And at last I have -you within my power! - -MARY - -Oh, God, give me strength! If I were a man, I’d _kill_ you! You are of -the kind who drag women to the gutter. - -DALTON - -Now, now, my fine young animal! Remember--’twas you, too, who sinned! - -MARY - -(_sobbing wildly_) - -Folly, yes--but not sin, no, no--not sin, not sin! It is the weakness -of women and the perfidy of men that makes women sin. - -DALTON - -(_sneering_) - -Sin it was--_sin_, I repeat it. You--you’re no better now than the -women of the streets! - -MARY - -No, no! Don’t say that, don’t say that! Have pity! - -(_throwing herself before him_) - -See! It is a helpless woman who kneels at your feet-- - -DALTON - -(_throwing her from him_) - -Bah! - -MARY - -(_pleading_) - -Who asks you to give back what is more precious to her than jewels and -riches, than life itself--her honor! - -DALTON - -Enough of that! Now, you, listen to me! Do as I say and I can make a -lady of you--you shall be dressed like a queen and move in society, -loved, honored and famous. This I offer you if--if you will become my -wife. - -MARY - -Your wife! Not if all the gold of the world were in your hands, and -you gave it to me. Your wife--never--never--not even to become a lady! -Before I’d be your wife I’d live in rags and be proud of my poverty! -There is the door--_go_! - -DALTON - -Not so fast, my girl! - -MARY - -I’ll do what thousands of other heartbroken and despairing women have -done--seek for peace in the silence of the grave! - -DALTON - -(_sneeringly_) - -Well, what _will_ you do? - -MARY - -Stand back! Let me pass. If you lay your hand on me, I’ll-- - -DALTON - -Ha! - -(_He advances upon her and makes to seize her in his arms. She -struggles, screams. Enter Dick, revolver drawn_) - -DICK - -What’s the meaning of this? _Speak!_ - -DALTON - -(_to Mary, airily_) - -Who is this young--this young _cub_? - -(_aside_) - -Damnation! - -DICK - - (_advancing_) - -I’ll show you soon enough, you fighter of _women_! - -DALTON - - (_in a superior tone, loftily ignoring the insult_) - -Hm, you Americans are a peculiar lot. But I suppose your manners will -improve as your country grows older. - -DICK - -Oh, I see! So you’re an Englishman, aren’t you? Englishmen never -believe how fast we grow in this country. They won’t believe that -George Washington ever made them get out of it, either, but he did! - -DALTON - -Ah, my dear fellow, _our_ country has grown up of its own accord, but -_you_ have to get immigrants to help _you_ build up _your_ country--and -what are they? - -DICK - -That’s so: they don’t amount to anything until they come over here and -inhale the free and fresh air of liberty. Then they become _American -citizens_ and they amount to a great deal. We build up the West and -feed the world! - -DALTON - -Feed the world! Oh, no! Certainly you don’t feed England! - -DICK - -Oh yes we do! We’ve fed England. We gave you a warm breakfast in 1776, -a boiling dinner in 1812--and we’ve got a red-hot supper for you any -time you want it! - -DALTON - -(_insolently_) - -’Pon my word, you amuse me. - -DICK - -(_sarcastically_) - -You don’t say so! - -DALTON - -And if it wasn’t for this - -(_he smiles sneeringly_) - -lady-- - -DICK - -(_stepping quickly to Dalton, raising his hand as if to strike him_) - -By God, if you were not so old, I’d---- - -MARY - -(_wildly_) - -Dick! Dick! - -DICK - - (_to Dalton, face to face, pointing to door_) - -Now, then, you worthless skunk--you get straight the hell out of here! - - (_Dalton looks first at Dick, then at Mary. Then, with a cynical - laugh, shrugs his shoulders and exits_) - -MARY - -(_throwing herself in Dick’s arms and burying her head on his breast_) - -Dick---- - -DICK - -(_stroking her hair fondly_) - -Have courage, sweetheart; do not cry. Everything will turn out for the -best in the end. - -MARY - -You have the courage for both of us. Every blow that has fallen, every -door that has been shut between me and an honest livelihood, every time -that clean hands have been drawn away from mine and respectable faces -turned aside as I came near them, I’ve come to you for comfort and love -and hope--and have found them. - -DICK - -My brave little woman! My brave little woman! How you’ve suffered in -silence! But brighter days are before us. - -MARY - -(_pensively_) - -Brighter days. I try to see them through the clouds that stand like a -dark wall between us. - -DICK - -You must not heed such black thoughts, my angel. - -MARY - -(_sadly_) - -I’ll do my best to fight them off--for your sake, _our_ sake. - -DICK - -There’s a brave dear! And now, good-bye, dearest, until to-morrow. -Remember, when the clouds are thickest, the sun still shines behind -them. - -(_exits_) - -MARY - -(_alone_) - -Oh, my Dick, my all, may God protect you! - -(_A pause. Then enter Abner, carrying a gun_) - -MARY - -(_in alarm_) - -Father! What are you doing? Where are you going? - -ABNER - -I’ve heerd all! I’m a-goin’ t’ find the varmint who wronged ye, and -when I find him, I’m a-goin’ t’ _kill_ him, _kill_ him--that’s all! - -MARY - -Stop, dad! You know not what you do! - -ABNER - -(_with a sneer_) - -_You!_ A fine daughter! A fine one to speak t’ her old father who -watched over her sence her poor mother died, who slaved for her with -these two hands, who---- - -MARY - -(_interrupting_) - -Oh, father, that is cruel! Nothing that others could do would hurt -me like those words from you. I have suffered, father; I would rather -starve than---- - -ABNER - -(_brusquely_) - -A fine time now fer repentance! - -MARY - -(_in tears_) - -Mercy! Mercy! Have mercy! - -ABNER - -Mercy, eh? Well, I kalkerlate such as you’ll get no mercy from me! - -MARY - -(_wildly_) - -I was young and innocent; I knew nothing of the world. - -ABNER - -Go! And never darken these doors again! - -(_he throws open the door; the storm howls_) - -Go! Fer you will live under my roof no longer! Thus I blot out my -daughter from my life forever, like a crushed wild flower. - -MARY - -Oh, father, father! You don’t, you won’t, you _can’t_ be so cruel! - -(_exits_) - -ABNER - -(_slams door; stands a moment at knob; then goes slowly to table and -picks up Mary’s photograph. He looks at it; his eyes fill with tears_) - -I’ll set by that winder, and set and set, but she, my little one, ’ll -never come back, never come back. Oh, my little girl, my little girl! -I’ll put this here lamp in the winder to guide my darlin’ back home t’ -me. - -(_he totters toward the window_) - - -CURTAIN - - - - -WHO’S WHO IN AMERICA - - - =LIPINSKI, Abraham=, editor; _b._ Mogilef, Russia, August 16, 1869; - _s._ Isidor and Rachel (Hipski); _m._ Sarah Gondorfsky, of Syschevka, - Russia, 1889, Leah Ranalowski, of New York, 1897, Minna Rosensweig, of - New York, 1906. Editor, the Socialist Quarterly, the Russian-Jewish - Gazette. _Author_: “Freedom for the Poles,” “The Case for the Russian - Peasants,” “The Dangers of Democracy” and sixteen children. _Address_: - New York, New York. - - =O’CALLAHAN, Patrick Michael=, public official; _b._ Dublin, Ireland, - December 6, 1873; _s._ Seumas and Bridget (O’Shea); _m._ Mary - Shaughnessy, of Glennamaddy, Ireland, February 12, 1890; came to New - York, 1891, and was on police force 1891-2, leader 12th Assembly - District, New York, 1893; 13th Assembly District 1894; 14th Assembly - District 1895; commissioner of docks and ferries, New York, and - treasurer of the board, 1896; Tammany Hall leader 1895.... _Address_: - New York, New York. - - =DREZETTI, Pietro=, charity organizer; _b._ Milan, Italy, October - 10, 1873; _s._ Garibaldi and Maria (Arezzo); _m._ Rocca Frignano, of - Giovinnazo, Italy, 1897; came to New York 1892 and began as bootblack; - leader 6th District Republican Rally Club 1899-1904; organized Italian - Charities League, 1906; president and treasurer Italian Charities - League, 1906--, Italo-American Chowder Club, 1907--, Italian Immigrant - Relief Society, 1908--, Italian Workmen of the World, 1908--. - _Address_: New York, New York. - - =CHILLINGS, Algernon Ronald=, playwright; _b._ Manchester, England, - December 9, 1871; _s._ Hubert and Gladys (Windcourt); was actor in - London, 1889-1903; came to America 1904; has written four American - plays, “Lord Dethridge’s Claim,” “The Savoy at Ten,” “The Queen’s - Consort,” and “Lady Cicely’s Adventure.” Has lectured on the American - drama at Yale and Harvard Universities. Vice-president Society of - American Dramatists. _Address_: New York, New York. - - =OBERHALZ, Gustav=, ex-congressman; _b._ Düsseldorf, Germany, May - 20, 1868; _s._ Ludwig and Hannah (Draushauser); _m._ Kunigunde - Kartoffelbaum, of Teklenburg, Germany, 1884, Theresa Waxel, of - Neuholdensleben, Germany, 1889; came to America in steerage 1886; - joined the Deutsche Gesellschaftsverein 1886 and became its president - in 1896; merged this organization in 1897 with the Vaderland - Bund; presented his native city with a library in 1898. _Author_: - “Deutschland und Der Kaiser.” _Address_: Brooklyn, New York. - - - - -“A LITTLE CHILD SHALL LEAD THEM” - -By - ----- ---- - - -The snow swirled against the window in great gusts. Agatha Brewster sat -looking into the flaming grate. - -“What’s the matter, mamma dear?” asked Betty, her little daughter. “You -look so sad--_and this is Christmas eve_.” - -Agatha did not answer. She could not trust her voice. There was a mist -before her eyes. She sat there thinking, thinking, thinking. It was -just a year ago tonight that Dave, her husband, had parted from her in -anger. Since then no word, no letter--nothing but endless conferences -with that hideous lawyer, the unbearable condolences of well-meaning -friends, the dull heart-ache, the thought of little Betty.... - - - - -Betty crept noiselessly down the stairs. - -“Papa! Oh, papa! My papa!” she cried. “You’ve come home again. Won’t -Santa Claus be glad!” - -Brewster, his eyes suddenly blinded with tears, grabbed the sweet child -to his breast and hugged her, oh, so close! And then, bending down, he -kissed the brave little woman at his side. - - -_The End._ - - * * * * * - -_If you want to read the parts of this story that have been left out -to save ink, you will find the whole thing in any issue of any 15 cent -magazine. I say any issue, but if you want to make doubly sure, get any -Christmas issue._ - - - - -THE LETTERS - -AN ALPHABETICAL PROBLEM PLAY AFTER THE MANNER OF PINERO, HENRY -ARTHUR JONES, AND OTHER DRAMATISTS OF A BYGONE DAY. - - - FOREWORD: _A season or so ago, Mr. Cyril Maude and Miss Laurette - Taylor attracted considerable attention in a one-word play--a play in - one act, each line of whose dialogue consisted of a single word. In - order to meet the insistent public demand for constantly increased - novelty, I submit herewith what is probably the dernier cri in - dramatic literature--a play in one letter._ - - -CHARACTERS - - ZACHERY EBBSMITH: The usual problem play husband. - FELICIA EBBSMITH: The usual problem play wife. - ROBERT CHARTERIS: The usual problem play lover. - JENKINS: The usual problem play butler. - - SCENE: The drawing-room of Ebbsmith’s house. Any old set will do, - provided only there is a portière-hung entrance at R. 2, in which the - husband may make his unexpected appearance. - -TIME: An evening in May. - -PLACE: New York. - - -_When the curtain rises, Mrs. Ebbsmith (a brunette with an uncanny -likeness to Mrs. Patrick Campbell), is discovered in Charteris’ arms._ - -MRS. E. - - -(_in passionate ecstasy_) - - -O! - -CHARTERIS - -(_ditto_) - -O! - -(_Zachery Ebbsmith duly appears in doorway at R. 2. The lovers cannot -see him as their backs are turned_) - -MRS. E. - -(_still in passionate ecstasy_) - -O! - -CHARTERIS - -(_ditto_) - -O! - -(_Mrs. Ebbsmith frees herself reluctantly from Charteris’ embrace. She -turns and catches sight of Ebbsmith_) - -MRS. E. - -(_cowering before her husband’s steady gaze_) - -U! - -EBBSMITH - -(_quietly_) - -I. - -CHARTERIS - -(under his breath) - -G! - -MRS. E. - -(_sinking to her knees before Ebbsmith, seizing his hands in -supplication, and looking at him appealingly_) - -“Z”! - -EBBSMITH - -(_angrily withdrawing his hand_) - -U---- - -MRS. E. - -(_in tears, interrupting_) - -R? - -EBBSMITH - -(_violently; between his teeth_) - -A---- - -MRS. E. - -(_in tears, again cutting in_) - -A? - -EBBSMITH - -(_with a laugh_) - -J! - -CHARTERIS - -(_in great surprise_) - -J? - -EBBSMITH - -(_repeating, nodding his head_) - -J!! - -CHARTERIS - -(_in wonder_) - -Y? - -MRS. E. - -(_ditto_) - -Y? - -EBBSMITH - -(_with a grim smile, displaying a bundle of letters_) - -C! - -(_Mrs. E. and Charteris look at each other in alarm, realising now -what Ebbsmith’s ironic twitting means_) - -MRS. E. - -O! - -CHARTERIS - -H----! - -EBBSMITH - -(_waving the letters tauntingly under his wife’s eyes_) - -C! - -(_Mrs. E. endeavours to speak. She tries to summon courage to ask -Ebbsmith how and where he got the carelessly-guarded, incriminating -letters, but her lips are muffled through fear. Ebbsmith waits -patiently, sneeringly. Then, seeing his wife’s hopeless struggle to -phrase the question----_) - -EBBSMITH - -(_quietly taking a five dollar bill from his wallet, and holding it -aloft, with a significant smile_) - -A----. - -CHARTERIS - -(_puzzled_) - -A? - -EBBSMITH - -(_nodding toward entrance at R. 2_) - -V. - -MRS. E. - -(_beginning to comprehend_) - -O! - -(_she rushes to bell. She presses it in order to summon the bribed -Jenkins and lodge her accusations against him for his deceit. There -is a pause. Enter Jenkins. Mrs. Ebbsmith makes to speak. Ebbsmith -interrupts her._) - -EBBSMITH - -(_to Jenkins, quietly_) - -T. - -(_Jenkins nods and exits. There is another pause. Charteris attempts -to conceal his nervousness by puffing nonchalantly at a cigarette. -Jenkins enters with the tea. Ebbsmith motions his wife and Charteris -to take their seats at the small table. Puzzled, they obey. Jenkins -pours and exits._) - -EBBSMITH - -(_taking from his pocket two railroad tickets, one of which he hands -Charteris_) - -U. - -CHARTERIS - -(_perplexed_) - -I? - -EBBSMITH - -(_nodding firmly_) - -U! - -(_Ebbsmith now hands the other ticket to his wife_) - -EBBSMITH - -(_as he gives it into her puzzled hands; in same tone as before_) - -U! - -MRS. E. - -(_in a tone of nervous bewilderment_) - -I? - -EBBSMITH - -(_nodding firmly_) - -U! - -(_Mrs. E. and Charteris look at each other. Their expressions suggest -anything but a feeling of personal comfort. They look at each other’s -tickets_) - -MRS. E. - -(_reading name of road on top of ticket_) - -“B----.” - -(_her eyes, still dimmed by tears, prevent her from seeing the rest. -She starts to mumble the “and” which follows the_ “_B_”) - -“n----.” - -(_but gets no further, and breaks down crying_) - -CHARTERIS - -(_finishing the name of the road_) - -“O.” - -(_Charteris and Ebbsmith look at each other fixedly across the -tea-table_) - -CHARTERIS - -(_deliberately_) - -U----. - -(_Ebbsmith lifts his eyebrows_) - -CHARTERIS - -(_hotly_) - -B----. - -(_Ebbsmith lifts his eyebrows_) - -CHARTERIS - -(_choking back the “damned,” and, flinging down his hand in disgust at -the whole business_) - -’L! - -EBBSMITH - -(_rising, going to door and holding aside the portières, -significantly_) - -P! - -MRS. E. - -(_sobbing out her reawakened old love for Zachery_) - -“Z”! - -EBBSMITH - -(_insisting; in even tone_) - -D! - -MRS. E. - -(_sobbing wildly_) - -“Z”!! - -EBBSMITH - -(_with absolute finality_) - -Q!! - -(_Charteris throws a wrap around Mrs. Ebbsmith’s shoulders and starts -to lead her from the room. At the doorway, with a cry of anguish, -Mrs. Ebbsmith breaks from Charteris’ arm and throws herself into the -arms of her husband. A smile spreads over the latter’s features as he -realises the complete effectiveness of the cure he has practised upon -his wife, of the stratagem by which he has won her away from Charteris -forever, of the trickery by which he has shown Charteris up to her for -the insincere philanderer he is, of the device of pretending to concur -in her and Charteris’ plan to elope. He clasps her close to him and -presses a kiss on her brow. Charteris takes up his hat, gloves, and -stick from the piano, and tip-toes from the room as there falls the_ - - -CURTAIN - - - - -PROMENADES WITH PANTALOON - - -I - -Broadway playwright--one who possesses the ability to compress the -most interesting episodes in several characters’ lifetimes into two -uninteresting hours. - - -II - -The art of emotional acting, on Broadway, consists in expressing (1) -_doubt_ or _puzzlement_, by scratching the head; (2) _surprise_, by -taking a sudden step backwards; (3) _grief_, by turning the back -to audience and bowing head; (4) _determination_ (if standing), by -thrusting handkerchief back into breast pocket, brushing hair back -from fore-head with a quick sweep of hand and buttoning lower button -of sack coat; (5) _determination_ (if seated), by looking fixedly at -audience for a moment and then suddenly standing up; (6) _despair_, by -rumpling hair, sinking upon sofa, reaching over to table, pouring out -stiff drink of whiskey and swallowing it at one gulp; (7) _impatience_, -by walking quickly up stage, then down, taking cigarette from case, -lighting it and throwing it immediately into grate, walking back -up stage again and then down; (8) _relief_, by taking deep breath, -exhaling quickly and mopping off face with handkerchief; and (9) -_fear_, by having smeared face with talcum powder! - - -III - -The leading elements in the Broadway humour, in the order of their -popularity: (1) speculation as to how the Venus de Milo lost her arms, -and (2) what she was doing with them when she lost them. - - -IV - -Broadway actors may in the main be divided into two groups; those who -pronounce it burgular and those whom one cannot hear anyway back of the -second row. - - -V - - -_The Syllogism of the Broadway Drama_ - -1. Someone loves someone. - -2. Someone interposes. - -3. Someone is outwitted, someone marries someone, and someone gets two -dollars. - - -VI - -Such critics as contend that literature is one thing and drama -another, are apparently of the notion that literature is something -that consists mainly of long words and allusions to Châteaubriand, and -drama something that consists mainly of monosyllables and allusions to -William J. Burns. - - -VII - -The test supreme of all acting is the coincidental presence upon the -stage of a less competent actress who is twice as good-looking. - - -VIII - -A Thumb-nail Critique--The plays which, in the last two decades, have -in the United States made the most money: “Uncle Tom’s Cabin,” “Way -Down East,” “The Old Homestead,” “Ben Hur,” and “Peg o’ My Heart.” The -plays which, in the last two decades, have, in the United States, made -the least money: “The Thunderbolt,” “Strife,” “The Three Daughters of -M. Dupont,” “The Incubus,” and “General John Regan.” - - -IX - -The unities of the Belasco drama: Time, place and (legal) action. - - -X - -Constructive critic: One who builds up the newspaper’s theatrical -advertising revenue. - - -XI - -The producers of our two-dollar music shows are rapidly gobbling up all -the vaudeville actors. This will immeasurably help vaudeville. - - -XII - -The circuses will soon go into winter quarters. They cannot compete -with the Drama Leagues. - - -XIII - -The world may be divided thus: actors and dramatic critics. The only -difference between them is that the former do their acting on a -platform. - - -XIV - -Shakespeare’s plays fall into two distinct groups: Those written by -Shakespeare and those acted by Beerbohm Tree. - - -XV - -Dramatic criticism: The theory that one is more interested in the -devices with which a woman makes herself beautiful--cold creams, -mascaro, false hair, eyebrow pencils, lip rouge, face powder, dental -floss, whale-bone, curl papers, et cetera--than in the beautiful woman -herself. - - -XVI - -Something seemingly never remembered by dramatists when writing love -scenes: the more a young woman really loves a man the less talkative, -the more silent, she is in his presence.... Only women over thirty are -chatty before the object of their affection. - - -XVII - -The proficient actor is one who can completely immerse his own -personality in the rôle he is playing. The star actor is one who can -completely immerse the rôle he is playing in his own personality. - - -XVIII - -Although it may have absolutely nothing to do with the case, I yet -believe that, in a romantic stage rôle, no actress can possibly be -convincing or persuasive if she is able in private life to eat tripe, -chicken livers, calves’ brains or a thick steak. - - -XIX - -Maurice Donnay, the talented gentleman of Gallic dramatic letters, -observes, “The French dramatists treat of love because it is the only -subject which every member of the audience understands, and a dramatist -must, of course, appeal to the masses.” Which, in another way, may -account for the great appeal and success in America of crook plays. - - -XX - -When a critic refers to a male actor’s “authority,” the betting odds -are generally thirty to one that what he has done is to mistake for -that quality the aforesaid actor’s _embonpoint_. - - -XXI - -Mr. George P. Goodale, a good citizen and an honest taxpayer, was -lately accorded a great banquet in honor of his fifty years of -continuous service as dramatic critic to the _Detroit Free Press_. At -the banquet, it was said, repeated, and emphasized that, in all his -half-century as a critic of the drama, Mr. Goodale had never made a -single enemy. Where, than in this banquet and its import, a smarter -satire on the American notion of what constitutes dramatic criticism? - - -XXII - -The hero of a Broadway play may not be bald. This would seem, in the -Broadway drama, to be the first rule of heroism and, with heroism, -of intelligence and appeal. So, Julius Caesar, Bismarck, George -Washington, Napoleon and Shakespeare would be low villains. - - -XXIII - -It is a favourite challenge of the average Broadway playwright to the -dramatic critic that if the latter knows so much about plays, why -doesn’t he write one himself. The same question might be asked of the -average Broadway playwright. - - -XXIV - -The financial success of the Broadway play is conditioned on the -proportion of theatergoers who believe that singeing keeps the hair -from falling out and that the American Indians were accustomed to use -the word “heap” before every adjective. The last season was the most -successful Broadway has known in years. - - -XXV - -It took Molière and Sheridan, as it now takes Shaw and Bahr, years to -fashion their comedies. And yet, when all is said and done, what is -funnier, what provokes a louder laughter, than the mere articulation of -the name Gustav? - - -XXVI - -Literature is an art wherein one observes the effects of the thematic -action upon the protagonist’s mind. Drama is an art wherein one -observes the effects of the thematic action upon the protagonist’s -heart. Burlesque is an art wherein one observes the effects of the -thematic action upon the protagonist’s trousers-seat. - - -XXVII - -“Trying it on the dog”--a phrase referring to the trying out of a play -in the provinces before bringing it into the metropolis. In other -words, testing the effect of the play upon an intelligent community to -predetermine, by its lack of success there, its subsequent prosperity -in New York. - - -XXVIII - -The so-called “laughs” in an American musical show must, if they would -“get over,” be devised in such a manner and constructed of such basic -materials that they shall be within the scope of the intelligence of -persons who can neither read nor write. This is why nine-tenths of the -persons in a Broadway audience fall out of their chairs with mirth when -anybody on the stage refers to whiskers as alfalfa or when a character -is named the Duc de Gorgonzola. - - -XXIX - -Royalties.--The percentage of the gross receipts which playwrights get -from producers, after lawsuits. - - -XXX - -The critic who believes that such a thing as a repertory company is -artistically possible believes that a dozen modern actors, assembled -into one group, are sufficiently talented and skilled to interpret -satisfactorily a dozen plays. The critic who does not believe that such -a thing as a repertory company is artistically possible knows that -a dozen modern actors, assembled into one group, are insufficiently -talented and skilled to interpret satisfactorily even one play. - - -XXXI - -It is the custom in many New York theaters to ring a bell in the lobby -so as to warn the persons congregated there that the curtain is about -to go up on the next act and that it is time for them to go back into -the theater. But it still remains for an enterprising impresario to -make a fortune by ringing a bell in the theater so as to warn the -persons congregated there that the curtain is about to go up on the -next act and that it is time for them to go back into the lobby! - - -XXXII - -Farces fall into two classes: Those in which the leading male character -implores “Let me explain!” and the leading female character tartly -replies, “That’s the best thing you do,” and those in which the leading -male character’s evening dress socks have white clocks on them. - - -XXXIII - -Mr. Florenz Ziegfeld succeeds with his shows because he addresses -his chief appeal to the eye. Mr. George M. Cohan succeeds with his -because he addresses his chief appeal to the ear. The impresarios of -the Fourteenth Street burlesque shows succeed with theirs because they -address their chief appeal to the nose. - - -XXXIV - -The one big ambition of nine out of every ten American playwrights is, -in the argot of the theater, to “get over the footlights.” The one big -ambition of nine out of every ten audiences is exactly the same! - - -XXXV - -Most so-called optimistic comedies are based on the theory that a cup -of coffee improves in proportion to the number of lumps of sugar one -puts into it. - - -XXXVI - -Opening Night.--The night before the play is ready to open. - - -XXXVII - -The chief dramatic situation in “The Road to Happiness” consists of a -hero who, with hand on hip pocket, defies the assembled villains to -advance as much as an inch at peril of their lives and who, having -thus held them at bay, proceeds to pull out a handkerchief, flick his -nostril and make his getaway. The chief comic situation in “Arizona,” -produced many years ago, consisted of the same thing, save that a -whiskey flask or plug of tobacco--I forget which--was used in place -of a nose-doily. Thus, little boys and girls, has our serious drama -advanced. - - -XXXVIII - - -_Derivations_ - -_First-Nighter._--From _Fürst_ (German for “prince”) and the English -word _nitre_ (KNO_3: a chemical used in the manufacture of -gunpowder); hence, a prince of gunpowder, or, in simpler terms, someone -who makes a lot of noise. - -_Manager._--From the Anglo-Saxon word “manger,” the “a” having been -deleted in order that the word might be shortened, and so used more -aptly for purposes of swearing. _Manager_ thus comes from “manger,” -something which provides fodder for the jackasses in the stalls. - - -XXXIX - -Practically speaking, it is reasonable to believe that the public -doesn’t want gloom in the theater not because it is gloom, not because -of the gloom itself, but for the very good reason that gloom isn’t -generally interesting. Let a playwright make gloom as interesting -as happiness and the public will want it theatrically. But the -gloom of the drama is, more often than not, uninteresting gloom. In -illustration: Take two street-corner orators. Suppose both are talking, -one a block away from the other, on precisely the same topic. It is -a gloom topic. For instance, the question of the large number of -starving unemployed. One of the orators hammers away at his audience -with melancholy statistics and all the other depressing elements of -his subject. The other, equally serious, makes his points, not alone -as does the first orator with blue figures, but with light comparisons -and saucy illustrations. Which is the more interesting? Which gets -the larger crowd? Which convinces? Take a second and correlated -illustration. Two weekly magazines print articles on, let us say, the -work of organized charity in its attempt to relieve the community’s -paupers. In itself, not particularly jocose reading matter. One of the -two magazines, in its treatment of the story, has its general tone -exampled by some such sentence as “Last month the charity organizations -of New York supplied the poor of the city with 30,000 loaves of bread.” -The other magazine, expressing the same thought and facts, has its -sentence phrased thus: “Last month the charity organizations of New -York supplied the poor of the city with 30,000 loaves of bread, an -amount almost 8,000 in excess of all the bread eaten during the same -space of time by Mr. Diamond Jim Brady in the ten leading Broadway -restaurants.” Which magazine has the bigger circulation? - -The conventional treatment of gloomy themes in the drama is like the -ancient tale of the proud old coon who, driving a snail-paced and -ramshackle horse and an even more ramshackle buggy down a Southern -road used largely by automobilists, suddenly perceived a small boy -hitching on behind. “Hey!” exclaimed the old brunette, “Yoh look out -dar! Ef yoh ain’t careful yoh’ll be sucked under!” The mechanic of the -gloomy dramatic theme, like the old dinge, too often takes his theme -too pompously, too seriously. And is generally himself sucked under -as a result. Clyde Fitch took a so-called gloomy theme in his play -“The Climbers”--the play that started bang off with a funeral--but his -play is still going with the public in the stock companies because he -didn’t let the gloom of his story run away with the interest. The final -curtain line in “The Shadow” is: “After all, real happiness is often to -be found in tears.” Tears are often provocative of a greater so-called -“up-lift” feeling than mere grins and laughter. Take a couple or more -of illustrations of the most popular mob plays America has known, say, -“Way Down East,” “Uncle Tom’s Cabin,” “The Old Homestead.” These, -fundamentally, are what the mob calls “sad” plays. The yokelry would -ever rather pay for the privilege of crying than laughing. What farce -ever made as much money as “East Lynne”? The tears in “Cinderella” have -made it the world’s most successful theatrical property. - - -XL - -The difference ’twixt tragedy and comedy is the difference of a hair’s -breadth. Tragedy ends with the hero’s death. Comedy, with the hero’s -getting married. - - -XLI - -To be effective, acting must interpret not so much the playwright’s -work as the audience’s silent criticism of that work. - - -XLII - -... It is to be remarked that the New Movement in the theater, -about which we hear so much, what with its scenery, lighting, stage -architecture and what not, seems to concern everything but drama. - - -XLIII - -The moving pictures will never supplant the spoken drama, contend a -thousand and one critics. Well, anyway, not so long as the drama is -being spoken as it is to-day in the majority of our Broadway theaters. - - -XLIV - -Madame Karsavina of the Russian Ballet seeks in her chorographic -pantomimes to interpret drama with the body. The Boston censors -commanded that Madame Karsavina, who in her chorographic pantomimes -seeks to interpret drama with the body, completely conceal her body in -heavy draperies. The Boston censors may be expected next to command -Mimi Aguglia, of the Sicilian Players, who seeks to interpret the body -in terms of drama, to undress. - - -XLV - -Comedy is but tragedy, cunningly disguised and popularized for the -multitude. - - -XLVI - -Men go to the theater to forget; women, to remember. - - -XLVII - -Melodrama is that form of drama in which the characters are -deliberately robbed of a sense of humor by the author. Problem drama, -most often, that form in which the characters are deliberately robbed -of a sense of humour by the audience. - - -XLVIII - -How ashamed of themselves Galsworthy and Shaw, Molnar and Brieux, -Hauptmann and Wedekind must feel when they read a book on dramatic -technique by a member of the Drama League! - - -XLIX - -The error committed by the critic who, night after night, goes to the -theater in an attitude of steadfast seriousness and in such attitude -reviews what he beholds therein lies in his confounding of the -presentation with the institution. His respectful attitude toward the -presentation is, therefore, under current conditions eight times in ten -a direct insult to the institution. - - -L - - -THE AMERICAN ADAPTATION - - -_The Plot of the Play, in the Original_: - -Gaston Beaubien tires of his wife, Gabrielle, and enters into a liaison -with his wife’s best friend, Lucienne. - - -_The Plot of the Play, in the Adaptation_: - -Gaston Beaubien tires of his wife’s best friend, Lucienne, and enters -into a liaison with his wife, Gabrielle. - - -LI - -Brieux--Jeanne d’Arc on a mule. - - -LII - - -WHY DRAMATIZED NOVELS OFTEN FAIL THE HEROINE - -(_In the book_) - -“As nineteen-year-old Faith Draycourt stood there, she seemed for all -the world like some breathing, living young goddess come down to earth -in a chariot of cloud chiffon tinted orange-pink by the setting sun. -Her slender body whispered its allure from out the thin folds of silk -that, like some fugitive mist, clung about her. Her hair, a tangle of -spun copper, fell upon her dimpled shoulders and tumbled off them, a -stormy bronze cascade, to the ground. Her eyes, like twin melodies of -Saint-Saens imbedded in Bermuda’s blue woodland pools; her voice, soft -as the haunt of a distant guitar----.” - - -THE HEROINE - -(_From the newspaper critique of the play made from the book_) - -“The role of Faith Draycourt was ably interpreted by that accomplished -and experienced actress, ---- ----, who is well remembered by the -older generation of theater-goers for her fine performance of _Juliet_ -in 1876 at the old Bowery Theater.” - - -LIII - -An arm-chair beside a reading lamp is the only place for worth-while -drama. If you are one of those who seriously contends that such drama -should be acted in the theater, that the stage is the place for such -work, that it stands a fair chance there, tell me what you think would -happen to Hauptmann’s “Weavers” if, in that wonderful climax to the -fifth act, the child actress playing Mielchen should accidentally drop -her panties, or to “Hannele” if, at a moment of its poignant pathos, -a shirt-sleeved Irish scene-shifter were plainly observable in the -wings.... Think of Sudermann’s “Princess Far-Away” with a bad cold in -her head and an obviously tender corn! - - -LIV - -We hear much of the difference twixt the quality of London and New York -theater audiences. It may be summed up in a single sentence. In London -they do not put a chain on the dime-in-the-slot opera-glasses. - - -LV - -_A Shaw Play._--A moving-picture consisting entirely of explanatory -titles. - - -LVI - -You say it is possible for drama to reflect life? Very well, then -answer me this. In the cabled dispatches from the European fighting -countries, there appeared the other day an account of the astounding -spectacular heroism, in the face of a death-filled fire, of a German -soldier named Ludwig Dinkelblatz. If you can reconcile yourself to -the notion of a man named Ludwig Dinkelblatz as the hero of a play of -whatever sort, you win. - - -LVII - -Mr. Edward Locke, who wrote “The Bubble,” “The Revolt,” and other -reasons for bad theatrical seasons, observed in a recent interview -that he always writes his plays by artificial light because plays are -always produced by artificial light, and that, therefore, he believed -that this was the logical way to go about writing plays. Mr. Locke will -agree with his critics that inasmuch as people always go to bed in the -dark, it is but logical that, when the lights go out in the auditorium -and one of his plays gets under way, they should go to sleep. - - -LVIII - -We hear a great deal of the American drama’s failure to hold the -mirror up to nature. This is nonsense, nothing more nor less. The -trouble is not with the drama, but with the mirror! The American drama -tries to reflect nature in one of the little mirrors women carry in -their vanity-boxes. Some day it may learn--as the French drama has -learned--that when there’s any reflecting of nature to be done, you’ve -got to use a pier glass. We like to believe, we Anglo-Saxons, that all -drama lies in mortals’ faces, and that drama’s purpose is merely to -reflect, as in a shaving mirror, men’s tears and smiles. The French, a -wiser people, know that drama reposes alone in men’s bodies. - - - - -FANNY’S SECOND PLAY - - -NOTE.--_In Bernard Shaw’s “Fanny’s First Play,” there are introduced in -an epilogue four characters representing as many dramatic critics of -London--A. B. Walkley, Gilbert Cannan, etc. These four critics are made -by Shaw to discuss the play in their four typical and familiar critical -ways. When the play was produced in America it was suggested to Shaw -that he come to the United States, study the peculiarities of the local -critics, and alter his epilogue so that the indelible attitudes toward -everything dramatic of the native criticerei might be lampooned for -American audiences. Shaw was too busy. Being possessed of an hour’s -spare time and considerable presumption, the present writer essays the -task in Shaw’s behalf. “Fanny’s Second Play” may be any anonymously -written play._ - - -THE CRITICS - - William Summers - Alston Hill - Carlton Dixon - Lawrence Fenemy - - -THE EPILOGUE - -FENEMY - -You ask me if I like the play. How do I know! If it’s by a foreigner, -sure I like it; but if it’s by an American (particularly a _young_ -American) you can bet I’ll roast it. Why, it’s got to the point where -some of these young American playwrights are getting to be better known -than we are, and I’ll be darned if I’m going to do anything to help the -thing along. - -HILL - -You’re right, Fenemy. Besides, they know how to do these things so much -better abroad than our writers do. Take this play. Pretty good, to be -sure. But I’ll wager it was written by some fellow who used to be a -reporter--probably on my very paper. And _I’m_ not going to be the one -to give him the swelled head. No, sir! - -DIXON - -If Belasco had only produced this play it would have been a wonder. -Belasco’s a wizard. I know it, because he has repeatedly told me so -himself. - -SUMMERS - -Ah, gentlemen--gentlemen. Why indulge in this endless colloquy over -this insignificant proscenium tidbit. Let us remember that howsoever -good it may be it was still not written by Shakespeare and that however -ably it may have been interpreted, Booth and Barrett and Charlotte -Cushman, alas, are no longer with us. - -HILL - -Oh, you’re a back-number, Summers. You’re no critic--you’re a scholar! -Why don’t you put a punch in your stuff and get a good job? - -FENEMY - -I wonder if it’s possible this play’s meant to be satirical. I’ll read -what you say about it in the morning, Hill, and if you think it’s a -satire, I’ll see it again and sort o’ edit my opinion of it in the -Sunday edition. - -DIXON - -I must say again that I’m sorry Belasco didn’t produce the play. He’s a -genius. Look what he did for _The Easiest Way_. If it hadn’t been for -his lighting effects the show wouldn’t have stood a chance! - -FENEMY - -You’re right, Dixon. Anyway, _The Easiest Way_ was just like _Iris_. -Our writers can’t touch the English. Besides, Pinero’s got a title and -Eugene Walter, we must remember, once slept on a bench in Bryant Park. - -HILL - -I like the title of this piece though, fellows. _Fanny’s Second Play_. -It’ll give me the chance to say in my review of it: “_Fanny’s Second -Play_ won’t go for a minute.” Catch it? Second--minute. Great, isn’t -it? I like plays with titles you can crack jokes about. - -SUMMERS - -Alack-a-day, things are not in criticism as they used to be. Dignity, -my friends, is what I always aimed for--dignity and dullness. Poor -Daly is dead and poor Wallack sleeps in his grave. Schoolboys, mere -schoolboys and shopkeepers run the drama of to-day. - -HILL - -Oh, cut it out. Dan Daly wasn’t half as good a comedian as Eddie Foy -is! And Shakespeare--why the only time that any interest in Shakespeare -has been aroused in the last ten years was when Julia Marlowe and -Sothern got married. Give me Sutro. - -DIXON - -But as I was saying, Belasco’s the man! Shakespeare in his palmiest -moments never imagined a greater effect than that soft lamp-light that -Belasco put over the chess table in the last act of _The Concert_. - -FENEMY - -Correct again, Dixon! Do you think Belasco would use German silver -knives and forks on a dinner table in a play of his? Nix! The real -stuff for him! _Sterling!_ And you can say what you want, it’s -attention to details like that that makes a play. I suppose _Fanny’s -Second Play_ may be pretty good drama, but I never had any experience -like the hero in the show and by George, I don’t believe it could have -happened! Besides, _my_ sister never acted that way and consequently I -must put the whole thing down as rubbish. The author doesn’t understand -human nature. No, sir, he doesn’t understand human nature! - -HILL - -The society atmosphere, too, is perfectly ridiculous. Why, I’ve been in -the Astor as many as five times and I never saw any society people act -that way. Our American playwrights are not gentlemen, that’s the rub. - -SUMMERS - -Ah me, when Sarah Siddons and Clara Morris and Ada Rehan were in their -prime--those were the days! What use longer, I ask you, gentlemen, to -inscribe praise to actresses if one is no more invited to meals by -them? Times have changed. This Mr. Cohan, paugh! This Miss Barrymore, -fie!! - -DIXON - -Sure thing! Warfield’s the only one left who can act and _Belasco_ -taught _him_ all _he_ knows. Belasco--there’s the wizard! Did you -notice the way he got that amber light effect in _Seven Chances_? -Wonderful, I say, wonderful----. - -FENEMY - -(_interrupting_) - -But did you ever smoke one of _George Tyler’s_ cigars? - -HILL - -About this play we saw tonight. I kind of think I’ll have to let it -down a bit easy because the management’s taken out a double-sized ad. -in the Sunday edition. And besides, say it should turn out next week -to be by an English dramatist instead of an American! Then wouldn’t we -feel foolish! - -DIXON - -(_vehemently_) - -Well, we know who the producer is! Isn’t that enough? If it’s put on by -Belasco, it’s great; if it’s put on by anybody else, it’s a frost--and -there you are. That is, anybody but Klaw and Erlanger. No use throwing -the hooks into them too hard. They pull too much influence with our -bosses. - -HILL - -(_with a self-amused grin_) - -I wonder what the magazine er-um-um critics, as they choose to call -themselves, will think of this play? - -DIXON - -Humph! Magazine critics? Why they’re all _young_ fellows. Impudent, -too! They think that just because they’re educated they know more about -the game than we do--than _I_ do--and I’ve had my opinions quoted on -as many as two hundred garbage cans in _one_ week! - -SUMMERS - -Ah, dear me, gentlemen. In _my_ time, a critic was a person with a -taste for drama; to-day a critic is largely a person with a taste for -quotation in the Shubert ads. - -FENEMY - -(_to the others, tapping his temple significantly with his forefinger_) - -The poor chap actually thinks Molière knew more about playwriting than -Jules Eckert Goodman! - -HILL and DIXON - -(_laughing uproariously_) - -Fine! Fine!! Better use that line in your review tomorrow. Of course -it hasn’t anything to do with _Fanny’s Second Play_, but that doesn’t -matter. It’s too good to lose. - -HILL - -By the way, the Dramatic Mirror wrote me for my picture to-day. They’re -going to print it in the next number. Pretty good, eh? - -FENEMY - -I should say yes! I wish I could get as much advertising as you get, -Hill. - -HILL - -(_suddenly_) - -By Jove! An idea! What if this play we saw tonight was written by -Belasco, after all? - -SUMMERS - -Impossible, gentlemen. Had Mr. Belasco written it, we should have had -an inkling of the fact through the recent lawsuit calendars. - -FENEMY - -Maybe it’s by Augustus Thomas. It’s got a lot of thought in it! - -HILL - -Yes, it certainly is full of thought! - -DIXON - -Sure, it’s got a pile of thought in it all right enough! - -SUMMERS - -(_lifting his eyebrows_) - -What thought, gentlemen? - -FENEMY - -Didn’t you catch that curious new word in the second act? What was it, -Dixon? - -HILL - -Psychothrapy. - -DIXON - -No, you mean psychothrupy. - -FENEMY - -No, no, it is psychothripy. - -SUMMERS - -Gentlemen, you mean psychotherapy. - -ALL - -Well, it doesn’t matter. It’s _thought_, anyway--something snappy and -new. And Augustus Thomas is the only American playwright who thinks. - -DIXON - -Did you notice that reference to the “sweet and noble mother”? _I_ -think Roi Cooper Megrue wrote it--and I don’t like Megrue. He’s too fat -looking. I think the play is punk. - -HILL - -But that third act attempted seduction climax sounds to me like Sheldon. - -DIXON - -(_quickly_) - -Oh, _then_ the play’s all right! - -HILL - -But we must remember that Sheldon is a _young_ man and that he is a -Harvard graduate. He needs taking down a little. - -DIXON - -But he’s a good friend of my dear friend Mrs. ----. Anyway, if only -Belasco----. - -FENEMY - - (_interrupting_) - -Well, I’ve got to get down to the office and write my review. - -(_looking at watch_) - -It’s got to be in at twelve o’clock and it’s ten minutes of twelve now, -and I’ve got to fill a column. - -(_exits_) - -HILL - -Between us, Dixon, I personally enjoyed this play immensely; but -professionally, I think it’s very bad. - -DIXON - -My idea exactly. Of course, if Belasco----. - -(_Exeunt_) - - - - -GLOSSARIES - - -I - -A Vaudeville Glossary - -(_Embracing Translations and Explanations of Such Words and Phrases as -Are Used Regularly in Vaudeville, and Necessary to a Comprehension of -Vaudeville by Persons Who Do Not Wear Soft Pleated Shirts with Dinner -Jackets._) - -_Knock-out_--The designation of a performance which has succeeded -in completely captivating the advertising solicitor for a weekly -vaudeville paper. - -_Wop_--A term of derision directed at an Italian who earns a difficult -livelihood digging ten hours a day at subways by an American actor -who earns an easy livelihood digging twenty minutes a night at Ford -automobiles. - -_A scream_--The designation of an allusion to the Prince of Denmark in -Shakespeare’s celebrated tragedy as “omelet.” - -_Team_--A term applied to two vaudeville actors who get twice as much -money as they deserve. - -_Sure-fire_--A compound word employed to describe any allusion to -President Wilson or the performer’s mother. - -_Swell_--An adjective used to describe the appearance of a gentleman -performer who wears a diamond stud in his batwing tie or of a lady -performer who is able to pronounce “caviar” correctly. - -_Artiste_--A vaudeville actress who carries her own plush curtain. - -_Dresden-China Comedienne_--Any vaudeville actress who is not a -comedienne and who wears a poke bonnet fastened under the chin with -pale blue ribbons. - -_Headliner_--A performer of whom audiences in the legitimate theatres -have wearied. - -_Society’s Pet_--The designation of any young woman performer who has -danced in a Broadway restaurant that was visited one evening by a -slumming party from Fifth Avenue. - -_Mind-reader_--A vaudeville performer who imagines the members of a -vaudeville audience have minds to read. - - -II - -A First-Night Glossary - -_Rotten_--An adjective used to describe anything good. - -_Author_--A noun used to designate the person who, in response to -the applause, comes out upon the stage after the second act in a -conspicuously new Tuxedo and talks as if he had written a play. - -_Laugh_--A noise uttered by the audience whenever the comedian, casting -an eye upon the prima donna’s hinter-décolleté, ejaculates, “I’m glad -to see your back again.” - -_Grate_--Something that is used to warm up vaudeville sketches. - -_Wholesome_--An adjective used to describe any play which sacrifices -art to morals. - -_Dramatic_--An adjective used to describe a scene in which anything, -from a vase to the seventh commandment, is broken. - -_Sympathy_--The emotion felt by the audience for the woman character -who lies, betrays, robs, deceives, steals, poisons, cheats, swindles, -commits adultery, plays false, stabs, dupes or murders--in a beautiful -gown. - -_Program_--A pamphlet which assures the audience that the theatre -is disinfected of germs with CN Disinfectant and that the play is -disinfected of drama with actors. - - -III - -A Glossary of British Slang - -When George Ade’s “College Widow” was produced in London several years -ago, a section of the program was devoted to a glossary of American -slang. The British equivalents for the various specimens of Yankee -vernacular were thus provided, so that the audience might comprehend -the meaning of the words spoken by the characters in the play. By way -of helping American audiences to a better understanding of the British -vulgate, I append a reciprocating glossary: - -_Actor_--A war-time patriot who shouts “God Save the King” as he -hurries aboard the first steamer out of Southampton to accept an -engagement in an American musical comedy adapted from the German. - -_Beastly_--A condemnatory adjective applied by an actor (see above) to -the treatment accorded an actor (see above) by Americans during his -engagement in an American musical comedy adapted from the German, after -the actor (see above) has returned to England following a declaration -of peace. - -_Handkerchief_--A small square of linen with which, when he has (or -hasn’t) a cold, an Englishman blows his wrist. - -_Old Top_--A term of endearment applied by an actor (see above) to an -American who seems to be about to buy a drink. - - -IV - -A General Theatrical Glossary - - sardou (v.t.) | --1. | To lock the door and chase - | | a reluctant lady around the - | | room. - | | - act (v.i.) | --1. | To spoil an otherwise good - | | play. 2. To endorse a new - | | massage cream. 3. To - | | please William Winter. - | | - Success (n.) | --1. | A bad play. 2. A d--n - | | bad play. 3. A h--l of a - | | d--n bad play. - | | - fairbanks (v.t.) | --1. | To leap headlong out of a - | | window. 2. To lick three - | | men with one hand. - | | - doro (v.i.) | --1. | To compel favorable critical - | | notices by having beautiful - | | eyes. - | | - alwoods (v.t.) | --1. | To foil a villain. 2. To - | | foil two villains. 3. To - | | foil three villains. - - - - -STORIES OF THE OPERAS - -I PAGLIACCI - -(ē pal-yät-chē) - -Two-act drama; text and music by Leoncavallo - - -CHARACTERS - - CANIO | Tenor - TONIO | Baritone - BEPPO | Tenor - NEDDA (Canio’s wife) | Soprano - SILVIO (a villager) | Baritone - - -THE STORY - -Act I - -At Tonio’s signal, the curtains open disclosing a cross-roads with -a rude portable theatre and Mrs. Cornelius Vanderbilt with a party -of débutantes. The distant sounds of a cracked trumpet and belabored -drum call the peasants together, and they greet with joy the -familiar characters in whose costumes Canio, Nedda, and Beppo enter -simultaneously with Mrs. O. H. P. Belmont’s party, Mrs. Otto Kahn’s -party, Mrs. Goelet, in mauve _faille d’amour_ silk, and a party of -young people chaperoned by Mrs. Douglas Robinson. Silencing the crowd -(on the stage), Canio announces the play for the evening--and is -heard. Canio descends and boxes the ears of Tonio, who loves Nedda. -Tonio, and two old gentlemen of decided snoring proclivities who have -been sitting in the eighth row, wander off. A villager invites the -players to drink. Twenty-seven gentlemen in the audience accept the -invitation. The villager hints that Tonio lingers to flirt with Nedda, -and the ladies in the boxes also get busy with recent scandal. Canio -takes it as a joke, twenty-one of the twenty-seven gentlemen taking it -with water. Canio says he loves his wife. And, after kissing her, he -departs coincident with the arrival of the occupants of the Gould and -Sloane boxes. The other peasants, and forty-two other gentlemen, leave -the scene. - -Nedda, left alone, broods over the fierce look which Canio and Gatti -Casazza gave her. She wonders if Canio suspects her. The sunlight -and the new gown and necklace on Mrs. Payne Whitney thrill her and -she revels in the song and the sport of the birds (“Ballatella”). At -the end of the rhapsody she finds that the hideous Tonio, if not the -audience, has been listening. He makes ardent love, but she laughs him -to scorn. He pursues her, however, and she, picking up Beppo’s whip, -slashes him across the face. He swears revenge and stumbles away. Now -her secret lover, Silvio, steals in with the twenty-seven gentlemen -who have been over to Browne’s. Silvio pleads with her to go away with -him. She promises in an undertone to meet him that night at Del Pezzo’s -Italian Restaurant at the corner of Seventh Avenue and Thirty-fourth -Street. Tonio, having seen them, hurries away. He gets the ear of Canio -and returns coincidently with thirty-four of some forty-odd gentlemen -who have been across the street. Silvio, however, escapes unnoticed and -so do the two old gentlemen who have been sleeping in the eighth row. - -Canio threatens to kill Nedda and Leoncavallo’s music. Beppo and one -of the old gentlemen who has forgotten his overcoat rush back. Beppo -disarms Canio. Tonio hints that Nedda’s lover may appear that night -in the play and some bizarre looking ladies in the third row hint a -lot of other things. Left alone, Canio bewails his bitter fate, and -the gentlemen whose wives won’t let them get out do the same. In wild -grief, Canio finally gropes his way off. And such gentlemen as are left -in the audience follow suit. - - -(To be continued) - - - - -THREE MODERN DRAMATISTS - - -BRIEUX - - Act I } - !!!!! } - Act II } !!!!! - !!!!! } - Act III } - !!!!! } - - -BELASCO - - Act I - - The Hampton Shops - The Edison Electrical Supplies Co. - - Act II - - The Tiffany Studios - Thorley - The Edison Electrical Supplies Co. - - Act III - - Vantine’s - The Antique Objets d’Art Exchange - The Edison Electrical Supplies Co. - - -SHAW[1] - - Act I - Platitudes - - Act II - Platitudes - - Act III - Platitudes - -[1] Transcriber's Note: All three “Platitudes” printed upside down in -original. - - - - -VILLAINY - - -The villainy of a character in the American drama is appraised by an -American audience in accordance with the following schedule of black -marks: - - 1. Black moustache | 20 points - | - 2. Riding boots | 36 points - | - 3. Riding boots and crop | 47 points - | - 4. Foreign accent (save Irish) | 29 points - | - 5. Top hat | 8 points - | - 6. Patent-leather shoes | 8 points - | - 7. Long cigarette holder | 4 points - | - 8. Well fitting clothes | 52 points - | - 9. Sexual virility | 84 points - | - 10. Good manners | 76 points - | - 11. Inclination to believe that a woman over | - twenty is perfectly able to take care of herself | 91 points - | - 12. Inclination to believe that a woman over | - twenty-five is perfectly able to take care of | - herself | 92 points - | - 13. Inclination to believe that a woman over thirty is | - perfectly able to take care of herself | 93 points - | - 14. Inclination to believe that women between the ages | - of thirty-five and ninety are perfectly able to take | - care of themselves | 94 points - | - 15. Inclination to believe that women between the ages | - of twenty and ninety are perfectly able to take care | - of themselves if they want to, but that they usually | - don’t want to | 95 points - | - 16. One who believes that when a woman is married she | - does not necessarily because of this fact lose all | - interest in the world | 82 points - | - 16a. Or in a good time | 83 points - | - 17. Boutonniere | 9 points - | - 18. Suspicion on the part of the villain that the hero | - is a blockhead | 98 points - | - 19. Verbal statement of the above fact by the villain | 99 points - | - 20. Common sense | 100 points - - - - -A FRENCH VEST POCKET DICTIONARY - - -Containing such words and phrases, together with their pronunciation -and meaning, as are necessary to the proper and complete understanding -of the American “society play” in which they are generally employed. - - - _Word or Phrase_ | _Pronunciation_ | _Meaning_ - | | - beau idéal | bue idol | To smoke a cigarette in a long - | | holder. - | | - au fait | aw fête | To wear an artificial gardenia - | | in the lapel of one’s - | | evening coat. - | | - comme il faut | comma ill faugh | Literally: “As it should be.” - | | To appear in the drawing-room - | | in white tennis flannels. - | | - billet doux | Billie Deuce | Anything written - | | on lavender stationery. - | | - bon soir | bun sour | Greetings! - | | - valet | valley | A comedy-relief Jap. - | | - ennui | en-wee | To glance nonchalantly through - | | _Town Topics_, yawn and throw - | | it back on the table. - | | - égalité | egg-all-light | Literally: “equality.” A - | | servant who, learning that - | | his master is in financial - | | straits, offers him, with - | | tears in his eyes, his own - | | meagre savings. - | | - double entente | dub’l on-tunder | Any remark about a bed. - | | - distingué | dis-tang-way | A gentleman with a goatee. - | | - Céléste[2] | Seal-lest | The lady-friend of the - | | producer. - | | - coup d’état | coop de tate | Sneaking the married heroine - | | unobserved out of the bachelor - | | apartment by letting her wear - | | the housekeeper’s cloak. - | | - gendarme | John Domme | An English actor in a New York - | | traffic policeman’s uniform. - | | - entrée | entry | A papier-maché duck. - | | - faux pas | for Pa | To wear the handkerchief in - | | the pocket. - | | - petite | potate | Designation of the one hundred - | | and seventy-two pound ingénue. - | | - qui vive | key weave | To step quickly on tiptoe to - | | the door and listen, before - | | going on with the conversation. - | | - sang froid | sang freud | Leisurely to extract a - | | cigarette from a gold - | | cigarette-case. - | | - garçon | gar-sun | A bad actor who imitates - | | Figman’s performance in - | | “Divorcons.” - | | - en déshabillé | N. de Shabell | Literally: “In undress.” - | | That is, dressed up in a - | | couple of thousand dollars’ - | | worth of lingerie. - | | - mésalliance | mess alliance | Any girl whom the son of the - | | family desires, in the first - | | act, to marry. - | | - en règle | in riggle | A butler who waits until the - | | visitor has entered the - | | drawing-room before taking his - | | hat and stick. - | | - à la mode | allah mode | Tea at two o’clock - | | in the afternoon. - -[2] The maid. - - - - -WHAT YOU GET FOR YOUR MONEY - - -The box-office price of a theatre ticket is two dollars. The average -play runs from 8.25 until 10.55--in other words, about two hours -and a half. A total, that is, of one hundred and fifty minutes. The -intermissions between the acts amount, at a rough estimate, to a total -of about thirty-five minutes. Subtract the thirty-five minutes from -the one hundred and fifty minutes, and we have left one hundred and -fifteen minutes. You pay, therefore, two dollars for one hundred and -fifteen minutes of entertainment, or about one and three-quarters -cents a minute. Let us now see what you get for your money, and also -the equivalent of what you could get for it did you spend it in other -directions. A few illustrations may suffice to make one pause and -reflect: - - -=I= - - “Oh, oh, what have I done that I should be made to suffer } - so! It was _because_ I love you that I acted as I did! } - But--you don’t understand; you _won’t_ understand!! } 1 glass - (_Buries her face in her arms. He goes to mantel and } of - stands gazing abstractedly into the grate._) If only } Pilsner - I could _make_ you see! Jim, oh Jim, _please_--for our } - children’s sake!” } - - -=II= - - “And to think, darling, that you mistrusted me! To think } - you did not know from the first moment I saw you, in your } - youth and beauty, that I loved you! Your money? BAH! } - It’s _you_ I love, sweetheart, with every fibre of my } 1 glass - being--_you_, _you_! (_He strains her to him._) Come into } of - these arms, dear, these arms that have longed to clasp } Würzburger - you within them. They shall ever be your haven from the } - toil and turmoil of the world. They shall protect you } - from temptation. I love you; I love you!” (_He kisses } - her passionately._) } - - -=III= - - “Listen, Hubert; it is but right you should know before } - you judge me. I wasn’t immoral; I was merely unmoral. I } - trusted him and he (_she averts his gaze_) deceived me. } - I was a girl, Hubert, a mere tender girl. He painted } 1 glass - for my innocent eyes the splendor of a great career and } of - I--I believed him. You must believe me, Hubert, you must } Hofbräu - believe me! _I didn’t know--I didn’t know!!_ I believed } - him! You must believe me, Hubert, you _must_, you _must_! } - Look into my eyes and see for yourself it is the truth I } - am telling you! } - - - - -Transcriber's Notes - - -A number of typographical errors were corrected silently. - -Cover image is in the public domain. - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BOTTOMS UP *** - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part -of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm -concept and trademark. 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