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diff --git a/6664-h/6664-h.htm b/6664-h/6664-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..92415c7 --- /dev/null +++ b/6664-h/6664-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,7716 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + The Story of a Child, by Pierre Loti + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Story of a Child, by Pierre Loti + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Story of a Child + +Author: Pierre Loti + +Translator: Caroline F. Smith + +Release Date: April 22, 2006 [EBook #6664] +Last Updated: March 6, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE STORY OF A CHILD *** + + + + +Produced by Dagny; John Bickers; David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h1> + THE STORY OF A CHILD + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By Pierre Loti + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h3> + Translated by Caroline F. Smith + </h3> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <blockquote> + <p class="toc"> + <big><b>CONTENTS</b></big> + </p> + <p> + <br /> <a href="#link2H_PREF"> PREFACE </a><br /> <br /> <a + href="#link2H_4_0002"> <big><b>THE STORY OF A CHILD</b></big> </a><br /> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XVI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER XVII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER XVIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER XIX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0020"> CHAPTER XX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0021"> CHAPTER XXI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0022"> CHAPTER XXII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0023"> CHAPTER XXIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0024"> CHAPTER XXIV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0025"> CHAPTER XXV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0026"> CHAPTER XXVI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0027"> CHAPTER XXVII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0028"> CHAPTER XXVIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0029"> CHAPTER XXIX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0030"> CHAPTER XXX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0031"> CHAPTER XXXI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0032"> CHAPTER XXXII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0033"> CHAPTER XXXIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0034"> CHAPTER XXXIV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0035"> CHAPTER XXXV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0036"> CHAPTER XXXVI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0037"> CHAPTER XXXVII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0038"> CHAPTER XXXVIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0039"> CHAPTER XXXIX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0040"> CHAPTER XL. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0041"> CHAPTER XLI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0042"> CHAPTER XLII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0043"> CHAPTER XLIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0044"> CHAPTER XLIV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0045"> CHAPTER XLV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0046"> CHAPTER XLVI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0047"> CHAPTER XLVII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0048"> CHAPTER XLVIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0049"> CHAPTER XLIX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0050"> CHAPTER L. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0051"> CHAPTER LI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0052"> CHAPTER LII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0053"> CHAPTER LIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0054"> CHAPTER LIV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0055"> CHAPTER LV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0056"> CHAPTER LVI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0057"> CHAPTER LVII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0058"> CHAPTER LVIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0059"> CHAPTER LIX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0060"> CHAPTER LX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0061"> CHAPTER LXI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0062"> CHAPTER LXII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0063"> CHAPTER LXIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0064"> CHAPTER LXXIV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0065"> CHAPTER LXV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0066"> CHAPTER LXVI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0067"> CHAPTER LXVII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0068"> CHAPTER LXVIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0069"> CHAPTER LXIX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0070"> CHAPTER LXX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0071"> CHAPTER LXXI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0072"> CHAPTER LXXII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0073"> CHAPTER LXXIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0074"> CHAPTER LXXIV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0075"> CHAPTER LXXVI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0076"> CHAPTER LXXVII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0077"> CHAPTER LXXVIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0078"> CHAPTER LXXIX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0079"> CHAPTER LXXX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0080"> CHAPTER LXXXI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0081"> CHAPTER LXXXII. </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <br /> + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_PREF" id="link2H_PREF"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + PREFACE + </h2> + <p> + There is to-day a widely spread new interest in child life, a desire to + get nearer to children and understand them. To be sure child study is not + new; every wise parent and every sympathetic teacher has ever been a + student of children; but there is now an effort to do more consciously and + systematically what has always been done in some way. + </p> + <p> + In the few years since this modern movement began much has been + accomplished, yet there is among many thoughtful people a strong reaction + from the hopes awakened by the enthusiastic heralding of the newer aspects + of psychology. It had been supposed that our science would soon + revolutionize education; indeed, taking the wish for the fact, we began to + talk about the new and the old education (both mythical) and boast of our + millennium. I would not underrate the real progress, the expansion of + educational activities, the enormous gains made in many ways; but the + millennium! The same old errors meet us in new forms, the old problems are + yet unsolved, the waste is so vast that we sometimes feel thankful that we + cannot do as much as we would, and that Nature protects children from our + worst mistakes. + </p> + <p> + What is the source of this disappointment? Is it not that education, like + all other aspects of life, can never be reduced to mere science? We need + science, it must be increasingly the basis of all life; but exact science + develops very slowly, and meantime we must live. Doubtless the time will + come when our study of mind will have advanced so far that we can lay down + certain great principles as tested laws, and thus clarify many questions. + Even then the solution of the problem will not be in the enunciation of + the theoretic principle, but will lie in its application to practice; and + that application must always depend upon instinct, tact, appreciation, as + well as upon the scientific law. Even the aid that science can contribute + is given slowly; meanwhile we must work with these children and lift them + to the largest life. + </p> + <p> + It is in relation to this practical work of education that our effort to + study children gets its human value. There are always two points of view + possible with reference to life. From the standpoint of nature and + science, individuals count for little. Nature can waste a thousand acorns + to raise one oak, hundreds of children may be sacrificed that a truth may + be seen. But from the ethical and human point of view the meaning of all + life is in each individual. That one child should be lost is a kind of + ruin to the universe. + </p> + <p> + It is this second point of view which every parent and every teacher must + take; and the great practical value of our new study of children is that + it brings us into personal relation with the child world, and so aids in + that subtle touch of life upon life which is the very heart of education. + </p> + <p> + It is therefore that certain phases of the study of child life have a high + worth without giving definite scientific results. Peculiarly significant + among these is the study of the autobiographies of childhood. The door to + the great universe is always to the personal world. Each of us appreciates + child life through his own childhood, and though the children with whom it + is his blessed fortune to be associated. If then it is possible for him to + know intimately another child through autobiography, one more window has + been opened into the child world—one more interpretative unit is + given him through which to read the lesson of the whole. + </p> + <p> + It is true, autobiographies written later in life cannot give us the + absolute truth of childhood. We see our early experiences through the + mists, golden or gray, of the years that lie between. It is poetry as well + as truth, as Goethe recognized in the title of his own self-study. + Nevertheless the individual who has lived the life can best bring us into + touch with it, and the very poetry is as true as the fact because + interpretative of the spirit. + </p> + <p> + It is peculiarly necessary that teachers harassed with the routine of + their work, and parents distracted with the multitude of details of daily + existence, should have such windows opened through which they may look + across the green meadows and into the sunlit gardens of childhood. The + result is not theories of child life but appreciation of children. How one + who has read understandingly Sonva Kovalevsky's story of her girlhood + could ever leave unanswered a child starving for love I cannot see. Mills' + account of his early life is worth more than many theories in showing the + deforming effect of an education that is formal discipline without an + awakening of the heart and soul. Goethe's great study of his childhood and + youth must give a new hold upon life to any one who will appreciatively + respond to it. + </p> + <p> + A better illustration of the subtle worth of such literature, in + developing appreciation of those inner deeps of child life that escape + definition and evaporate from the figures of the statistician, could + scarcely be found than Pierre Loti's “Story of a Child.” There is hardly a + fact in the book. It tells not what the child did or what was done to him, + but what he felt, thought, dreamed. A record of impressions through the + dim years of awakening, it reveals a peculiar and subtle type of + personality most necessary to understand. All that Loti is and has been is + gathered up and foreshadowed in the child. Exquisite sensitiveness to + impressions whether of body or soul, the egotism of a nature much occupied + with its own subjective feelings, a being atune in response to the + haunting melody of the sunset, and the vague mystery of the seas, a subtle + melancholy that comes from the predominance of feeling over masculine + power of action, leading one to drift like Francesca with the winds of + emotion, terrible or sweet, rather than to fix the tide of the universe in + the centre of the forceful deed—all these qualities are in the + dreams of the child as in the life of the man. + </p> + <p> + And the style?—dreamy, suggestive, melodious, flowing on and on with + its exquisite music, wakening sad reveries, and hinting of gray days of + wind and rain, when the gust around the house wails of broken hopes and + ideals so long-deferred as to be half forgotten,—the minor sob of + his music expresses the spirit of Loti as much as do the moods of the + child he describes. + </p> + <p> + Such a type, like all others, has its strength and its weakness. Such a + type, like all others, is implicitly in us all. Do we not know it—the + haunting hunger for the permanence of impressions that come and go, which + pulsates through the book till we can scarcely keep back the tears; the + brooding over the two sombre mysteries—Death and Life (and which is + the darker?); the sense of fate driving life on—the fate of a + temperament that restlessly longs for new impressions and intense + emotions, without the vigor of action that cuts the Gordian knot of fancy + and speculation with the swift sword-stroke of an heroic deed. + </p> + <p> + It is fortunate that the translator has caught the subtle charm of Loti's + style, so difficult to render in another speech, in an amazing degree. + This is peculiarly necessary here, for accuracy of translation means + giving the delicate changes of color and elusive chords of music that + voice the moods and impressions of which the book is made. + </p> + <p> + Let us read the revelation of this book not primarily to condemn or + praise, or even to estimate and define, but to appreciate. If it be true + that no one ever looked into the Kingdom of Heaven except through the eyes + of a little child, if it be true that the eyes of every unspoiled child + are such a window, take the vision and be thankful. If, perchance, this + window should open toward strange abysses that reach vaguely away, or upon + dark meadows that lie ghost-like in the mingled light, if out of the abyss + rises, undefined, the vast, dim shape of the mystery, and wakens in us the + haunting memories of dead yesterdays and forgotten years, if we seem + carried past the day into the gray vastness that is beyond the sunset and + before the dawn, let us recognize that the mystery or mysteries, the + annunciation of the Infinite is a little child. + </p> + <p> + EDWARD HOWARD GRIGGS. TO HER MAJESTY ELIZABETH, QUEEN OF ROUMANIA. + </p> + <p> + December, 188- + </p> + <p> + I am almost too old to undertake this book, for a sort of night is falling + about me; where shall I find the words vital and young enough for the + task? + </p> + <p> + To-morrow, at sea, I will commence it; at least I will endeavor to put + into it all that was best of myself at a time when as yet there was + nothing very bad. + </p> + <p> + So that romantic love may find no place in it, except in the illusory form + of a vision, I will end it at an early age. + </p> + <p> + And to the sovereign lady whose suggestion it was that I write it, I offer + it as a humble token of my respect and admiration. + </p> + <p> + PIERRE LOTI. <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h1> + THE STORY OF A CHILD. + </h1> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER I. + </h2> + <p> + It is with some degree of awe that I touch upon the enigma of my + impressions at the commencement of my life. I am almost doubtful whether + they had reality within my own experience, or whether they are not, + rather, recollections mysteriously transmitted—I feel an almost + sacred hesitation when I would fathom their depths. + </p> + <p> + I came forth from the darkness of unconsciousness very gradually, for my + mind was illumined only fitfully, but then by outbursts of splendor that + compelled and fascinated my infant gaze. When the light was extinguished, + I lapsed once more into the non-consciousness of the new-born animal, of + the tiny plant just germinating. + </p> + <p> + The history of my earliest years is that of a child much indulged and + petted to whom nothing of moment happened; and into whose narrow, + protected life no jarring came that was not foreseen, and the shock of + which was not deadened with solicitous care. In my manners I was always + very tractable and submissive. That I may not make my recital tedious, I + will note without continuity and without the proper transitions those + moments which are impressed upon my mind because of their strangeness, + those moments that are still so vividly remembered, although I have + forgotten many poignant sorrows, many lands, adventures, and places. + </p> + <p> + I was at that time like a fledgling swallow living high up in a niche in + the eaves, who from time to time peeps out over the top of its nest with + its little bright eyes. With the eyes of imagination it sees into the + deeps of space, although to the actual vision only a courtyard and street + are visible; and it sees into depths which it will presently need to + journey through. It was during such moments of clairvoyance that I had a + vision of the infinity of which before my present life I was a part. Then, + in spite of myself, my consciousness flagged, and for days together I + lived the tranquil, subconscious life of early childhood. + </p> + <p> + At first my mind, altogether unimpressed and undeveloped, may be compared + to a photographer's apparatus fitted with its sensitized glass. Objects + insufficiently lighted up make no impression upon the virgin plates; but + when a vivid splendor falls upon them, and when they are encircled by + disks of light, these once dim objects now engrave themselves upon the + glass. My first recollections are of bright summer days and sparkling noon + times,—or more truly, are recollections of the light of wood fires + burning with great ruddy flames. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II. + </h2> + <p> + As if it were yesterday I recall the evening when I suddenly discovered + that I could run and jump; and I remember that I was intoxicated by the + delicious sensation almost to the point of falling. + </p> + <p> + This must have been at about the commencement of my second winter. At the + sad hour of twilight I was in the dining-room of my parents' house, which + room had always seemed a very vast one to me. At first, I was quiet, made + so, no doubt, by the influence of the environing darkness, for the lamp + was not yet lighted. But as the hour for dinner approached, a maid-servant + came in and threw an armful of small wood into the fireplace to reanimate + the dying fire. Immediately there was a beautiful bright light, and the + leaping flames illuminated everything, and waves of light spread to the + far part of the room where I sat. The flames danced and leaped with a + twining motion ever higher and higher and more gayly, and the tremulous + shadows along the wall ran to their hiding-places—oh! how quickly I + arose overwhelmed with admiration for I recollect that I had been sitting + at the feet of my great-aunt Bertha (at that time already very old) who + half dozed in her chair. We were near a window through which the gray + night filtered; I was seated upon one of those high, old-fashioned + foot-stools with two steps, so convenient for little children who can from + that vantage ground put their heads in grandmother's or grand-aunt's lap, + and wheedle so effectually. + </p> + <p> + I arose in ecstasy, and approached the flames; then in the circle of light + which lay upon the carpet I began to walk around and around and to turn. + Ever faster and faster I went, until suddenly I felt an unwonted + elasticity run through my limbs, and in a twinkling I invented a new and + amusing style of motion; it was to push my feet very hard against the + floor, and then to lift them up together suddenly for a half second. When + I fell, up I sprang and recommenced my play. Bang! Bang! With every + increasing noise I went against the floor, and at last I began to feel a + singular but agreeable giddiness in my head. I knew how to jump! I knew + how to run! + </p> + <p> + I am convinced that that is my earliest distinct recollection of great + joyousness. + </p> + <p> + “Dear me! What is the matter with the child this evening?” asked my + great-aunt Bertha, with some anxiety. And I hear again the unexpected + sound of her voice. + </p> + <p> + But I still kept on jumping. Like those tiny foolish moths which of an + evening revolve about the light of a lamp, I went around in the luminous + circle which widened and retracted, ever taking form from the wavering + light of the flames. And I remember all of this so vividly that my eyes + can still see the smallest details of the texture of the carpet which was + the scene of the event. It was of durable stuff called home-spun, woven in + the country by native weavers. (Our house was still furnished as it had + been in my maternal grandmother's time, as she had arranged it after she + had quitted the Island, and come to the mainland.—A little later I + will speak of this Island which had already a mysterious attraction for my + youthful imagination.—It was a simple country house, notable for its + Huguenot austerity; and it was a home where immaculate cleanliness and + extreme order were the sole luxuries.) + </p> + <p> + In the circle of light, which grew ever more and more narrow, I still + jumped; but as I did so I had thoughts that were of an intensity not + habitual with me. At the same time that my tiny limbs discovered their + power, my spirit also knew itself; a burst of light overspread my mind + where dawning ideas still showed forth feebly. And it is without doubt to + the inner awakening that this fleeting moment of my life owes its + existence, owes undoubtedly its permanency in memory. But vainly I seek + for the words, that seem ever to escape me, through which to express my + elusive emotions. . . . Here in the dining-room I look about and see the + chairs standing the length of the wall, and I am reminded of the aged + grandmother, grand-aunts and aunts who always come at a certain hour and + seat themselves in them. Why are they not here now? At this moment I would + like to feel their protecting presence about me. Probably they are + upstairs in their rooms on the second floor; between them and me there is + the dim stairway, the stairway that I people with shadowy beings the + thought of which makes me tremble. . . . And my mother? I would wish most + especially for her, but I know that she has gone out, gone out into the + long streets which in my imagination have no end. I had myself gone to the + door with her and had asked her: “When returnest thou?” And she had + promised me that she would return speedily. Later they told me that when I + was a child I would never permit any members of the family to leave the + house to go walking or visiting without first obtaining their assurance of + a speedy homecoming. “You will come back soon?” I would say, and I always + asked the question anxiously, as I followed them to the door. + </p> + <p> + My mother had departed, and it gave my heart a feeling of heaviness to + know that she was out. Out in the streets! I was content not to be there + where it was cold and dark, where little children so easily lost their + way,—how snug it was to be within doors before the fire that warmed + me through and through; how nice it was to be at home! I had never + realized it until this evening—doubtless it was my first distinct + feeling of attachment to hearth and home, and I was sadly troubled at the + thought of the immense, strange world lying beyond the door. It was then + that I had, for the first time, a conscious affection for my aged aunts + and grand-aunts, who cared for me in infancy, whom I longed to have seated + around me at this dim, sad, twilight hour. + </p> + <p> + In the meantime the once bright and playful flames had died down, the + armful of wood was consumed, and as the lamp was not lighted, the room was + quite dark. I had already stumbled upon the home-spun carpet, but as I had + not hurt myself, I recommenced my amusing play. For an instant I thought + to experience a new but strange joy by going into the shadowy and distant + recesses of the room; but I was overtaken there by an indefinable terror + of something which I cannot name, and I hastily took refuge in the dim + circle of light and looked behind me with a shudder to see whether + anything had followed me from out of those dark corners. Finally the + flames died away entirely, and I was really afraid; aunt Bertha sat + motionless upon her chair, and although I felt that her eyes were upon me + I was not reassured. The very chairs, the chairs ranged about the room, + began to disquiet me because their long shadows, that stretched behind + them exaggerating the height of ceiling and length of wall, moved + restlessly like souls in the agonies of death. And especially there was a + half-open door that led into a very dark hall, which in its turn opened + into a large empty parlor absolutely dark. Oh! with what intensity I fixed + my eyes upon that door to which I would not for the world have turned my + back! + </p> + <p> + This was the beginning of those daily winter-evening terrors which in that + beloved home cast such a gloom over my childhood. + </p> + <p> + What I feared to see enter that door had no well defined form, but the + fear was none the less definite to me: and it kept me standing motionless + near the dead fire with wide open eyes and fluttering heart. When my + mother suddenly entered the room by a different door, oh! how I clung to + her and covered my face with her dress: it was a supreme protection, the + sanctuary where no harm could reach me, the harbor of harbors where the + storm is forgotten. . . . + </p> + <p> + At this instant the thread of recollection breaks, I can follow it no + farther. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER III. + </h2> + <p> + After the ineffaceable impression left by that first fright and that first + dance before the winter fire many months passed during which no other + events were engraven upon my memory, and I relapsed into a twilight state + similar to that at the commencement of my life. But the mental dimness was + pierced now and again with a bright light; as the gray of early morning is + tinged by the rose-color of dawning. + </p> + <p> + I believe that the impressions which succeeded were those of the summer + time, of the great sun and nature. I recall feeling an almost delicious + terror when one day I found myself alone in the midst of tall June grasses + that grew high as my head. But here the secret working of self + consciousness is almost too entangled with the things of the past for me + to explain it. + </p> + <p> + We were visiting at a country place called Limoise, a place that at later + time played a great part in my life. It belonged to neighbors and friends, + the D——s, whose house in town was directly next to ours. + Perhaps I had visited Limoise the preceding summer, but at that time I was + very like a cocoon before it has crawled from its silken wrapping. The day + that I now refer to is the one in which I was able to reflect for the + first time, in which I first knew the sweetness of reverie. + </p> + <p> + I have forgotten our departure, the carriage ride and our arrival. But I + remember distinctly that late one hot afternoon, as the sun was setting, I + found myself alone in a remote part of a deserted garden. The gray walls + overgrown with ivy and mosses separated its grove of trees from the + moorland and the rocky country round about it. For me, brought up in the + city, the old and solitary garden, where even the fruit trees were dying + from old age, had all the mystery and charm of a primeval forest. I + crossed a border of box, and I was in the midst of a large uncultivated + tract filled with climbing asparagus and great weeds. Then I cowered down, + as is the fashion of little children, that I might be more effectually + hidden by what hid me sufficiently already, and I remained there + motionless with eyes dilated and with quickening spirit, half afraid, half + enraptured. The feeling that I experienced in the presence of these + unfamiliar things was one of reflection rather than of astonishment. I + knew that the bright green vegetation closing in about me was every where + in no less measure than in the heart of this forest, and emotions, sad and + weird and vague took possession of me and affrighted but fascinated me. + That I might remain hidden as long as possible I crouched lower and still + lower, and I felt the joy a little Indian boy feels when he is in his + beloved forest. + </p> + <p> + Suddenly I heard someone call: “Pierre! Pierre! Dear Pierre!” I did not + reply, but instead lay as close as possible to the ground, and sought to + hide under the weeds and the waving branches of the asparagus. + </p> + <p> + Still I heard: “Pierre, Pierre.” It was Lucette; I knew her voice, and + from the mockery of her tone I felt sure that she had spied me. But I + could not see her although I looked about me very carefully: no one was + visible! + </p> + <p> + With peals of laughter she continued to call, and her voice grew merrier + and merrier. Where can she be? thought I. + </p> + <p> + Ah! At last I spied her perched upon the twisted branch of a tree that was + overhung with gray moss! + </p> + <p> + I was fairly caught and I came out of my green hiding place. + </p> + <p> + As I rose I gazed over the wild and flowering things, and saw the corner + of the old moss-grown wall that enclosed the garden. That wall was + destined to be at a later time a very familiar haunt of mine, for on the + Thursday holidays during my college life I spent many a happy hour sitting + upon it contemplating the peaceful and quiet country, and there I mused, + to the chirping accompaniment of the crickets, of those distant countries + fairer and sunnier than my own. And upon that summer day those gray and + crumbling stones, defaced by the sun and weather, and overgrown with + mosses, gave me for the first time an indefinable impression of the + persistence of things; a vague conception of existences antedating my own, + in times long past. + </p> + <p> + Lucette D——, my elder by eight or ten years, seemed to me + already a grown person. I cannot recall the time when I did not know her. + Later I came to love her as a sister, and her early death in her prime was + one of the first real griefs of my boyhood. + </p> + <p> + And the first recollection I have of her is as I saw her in the branches + of the old pear tree. Her image doubtless begets a vividness from the two + new emotions with which it is blended: the enchanting uneasiness I felt at + the invasion of green nature and the melancholy reverie that took + possession of me as I contemplated the old wall, type of ancient things + and olden times. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IV. + </h2> + <p> + I will now endeavor to explain the impression that the sea made upon me at + our first brief and melancholy encounter, which took place at twilight + upon the evening of my arrival at the Island. + </p> + <p> + Notwithstanding the fact that I could scarcely see it, it had so + remarkable an effect on me that in a single moment it was engraven upon my + memory forever. I feel a retrospective shudder run through me when my + spirit broods upon the recollection. + </p> + <p> + We had but newly arrived at this village near St. Ongeoise where my + parents had rented a fisherman's house for the bathing season. I knew that + we had come here for something called the sea, but I had had no glimpse of + it (a line of dunes hid it from me because of my short stature), and I was + extremely impatient to become acquainted with it; therefore after dinner, + as night was falling, I went alone to seek this mysterious thing. + </p> + <p> + The air was sharp and biting, and unlike any I had experienced, and from + behind the hillocks of sand, along which the path led, there came a faint + but majestic noise. Everything affrighted me, the unfamiliar way, the + twilight falling from the overcast sky, and the loneliness of this part of + the village. But inspired by one of those great and sudden resolutions, + that come sometimes to the most timid, I went forward with a firm step. + </p> + <p> + Suddenly I stopped overcome and almost paralyzed by fear, for something + took shape before me, something dark and surging sprang up from all sides + at the same time and it seemed to stretch out endlessly. It was something + so vast and full of motion that I was seized with a deadly vertigo—it + was the sea of my imagining! Without a moment's hesitation, without asking + how this knowledge had been wrought, without astonishment even, I + recognized it and I trembled with a great emotion. It was so dark a green + as to be almost black; to me it seemed unstable, perfidious, all + ingulfing, always turbulent, and of a sinister, menacing aspect. Above it, + in harmony with it, stretched the gray and lowering sky. + </p> + <p> + And far away, very far away, upon the immeasurable distant horizon I + perceived a break between the sky and the waters, and a pale yellow light + showed through this cleft. + </p> + <p> + Had I been to the sea before to recognize it thus quickly? Perhaps I had, + but without being conscious of it, for when I was about five or six months + old I had been brought to the Island by my great aunt, my grandmother's + sister; or perhaps because it had played so great a part in my sea-faring + ancestors' lives I was born with a nascent conception of it and its + immensity. + </p> + <p> + We communed together a moment, one with the other—I was deeply + fascinated. At our first encounter I am sure I had a nebulous presentiment + that I would one day go to it in spite of my hesitation, in spite of all + the efforts put forth to hold me back,—and the emotion that + overwhelmed me in the presence of the sea was not only one of fear, but I + felt also an inexpressible sadness, and I seemed to feel the anguish of + desolation, bereavement and exile. With downcast mien, and with hair blown + about by the wind, I turned and ran home. I was in the extreme haste to be + with my mother; I wished to embrace her and to cling close to her; I + desired to be with her so that she might console me for the thousand + indefinite, anticipated sorrows that surged through my heart at the sight + of those green waters, so vast and so deep. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER V. + </h2> + <p> + My mother!—I have already mentioned her two or three times in the + course of this recital, but without stopping to speak of her at length. It + seems that at first she was no more to me than a natural and instinctive + refuge where I ran for shelter from all terrifying and unfamiliar things, + from all the dark forebodings that had no real cause. + </p> + <p> + But I believe she took on reality and life for the first time in the burst + of ineffable tenderness which I felt when one May morning she entered my + room with a bouquet of pink hyacinths in her hand; she brought in with her + as she came a ray of sunlight. + </p> + <p> + I was convalescing from one of the maladies peculiar to children,—measles + or whooping cough, I know not which,—and I had been ordered to + remain in bed and to keep warm. By the rays of light that filtered in + through the closed shutters I divined the springtime warmth and brightness + of the sun and air, and I felt sad that I had to remain behind the + curtains of my tiny white bed; I wished to rise and go out; but most of + all I had a desire to see my mother. + </p> + <p> + The door opened and she entered, smiling. Ah, I remember it so well! I + recall so distinctly how she looked as she stood upon the threshold of the + door. And I remember that she brought in with her some of the sunlight and + balminess of the spring day. + </p> + <p> + I see again the expression of her face as she looked at me; and I hear the + sound of her voice, and recall the details of her beloved dress that would + look funny and old-fashioned to me now. She had returned from her morning + shopping, and she wore a straw hat trimmed with yellow roses and a shawl + of lilac barege (it was the period of the shawl) sprinkled with tiny + bouquets of violets. Her dark curls (the poor beloved curls to-day, alas! + so thin and white) were at this time without a gray hair. There was about + her the fragrance of the May day, and her face as it looked that morning + with its broad brimmed hat is still distinctly present with me. Besides + the bouquet of pink hyacinths, she had brought me a tiny watering-pot, an + exact imitation in miniature of the crockery ones so much used by the + country people. + </p> + <p> + As she leaned over my bed to embrace me I felt as if every wish was + gratified. I no longer had a desire to weep, nor to rise from my bed, nor + to go out. She was with me and that sufficed—I was consoled, + tranquillized, and re-created by her gracious presence. + </p> + <p> + I was, I think, a little more than three years old at this time, and my + mother must have been about forty-two years of age; but I had not the + least notion of age in regard to her, and it had never occurred to me to + wonder whether she was young or old; nor did I realize until a later time + that she was beautiful. No, at this period that she was her own dear self + was enough; to me she was in face and form a person so apart and so unique + that I would not have dreamed of comparing her with any one else. From her + whole being there emanated such a joyousness, security and tenderness, and + so much goodness that from thence was born my understanding of faith and + prayer. + </p> + <p> + I would that I could speak hallowed words to the first blessed form that I + find in the book of memory. I would it were possible that I could greet my + mother with words filled with the meaning I wish to convey. They are words + which cause bountiful tears to flow, but tears fraught with I know not how + much of the sweetness of consolation and joy, words that are ever, and in + spite of everything, filled with the hope of an immortal reunion. + </p> + <p> + And since I have touched upon this mystery that has had such an influence + upon my soul, I will here set down that my mother alone is the only person + in the world of whom I have the feeling that death cannot separate me. + With other human beings, those whom I have loved with all my heart and + soul, I have tried to imagine a hereafter, a to-morrow in which there + shall be no to-morrow; but no, I cannot! Rather I have always had a + horrible consciousness of our nothingness—dust to dust, ashes to + ashes. Because of my mother alone have I been able to keep intact the + faith of my early days. It still seems to me that when I have finished + playing my poor part in life, when I no longer run in the overgrown paths + that lead to the unattainable, when I am through amusing humanity with my + conceits and my sorrows, I will go there where my mother, who has gone + before me, is, and she will receive me; and the smile of serenity that she + now wears in my memory will have become one of triumphant realization. + </p> + <p> + True, I see that distant region only dimly, and it has no more substance + than a pale gray vision; my words, however intangible and elusive, give + too definite a form to my dreamy conceptions. But still (I speak as a + little child, with the child's faith), but still I always think of my + mother as having, in that far off place, preserved her earthly aspect. I + think of her with her dear white curls and the straight lines of her + beautiful profile that the years may have impaired a little, but which I + still find perfect. The thought that the face of my mother shall one day + disappear from my eyes forever, that it is no more than combined elements + subject to disintegration, and that she will be lost in the universal + abyss of nothingness, not only makes my heart bleed, but it causes me to + revolt as at something unthinkable and monstrous; it cannot be! I have the + feeling that there is about her something which death cannot touch. + </p> + <p> + My love for my mother (the only changeless love of my life) is so free + from all material feeling that that alone gives me an inexplicable hope, + almost gives me a confidence in the immortality of the soul. + </p> + <p> + I cannot very well understand why the vision of my mother near my bed of + sickness should that morning have impressed me so vividly, for she was + nearly always with me. It all seems very mysterious; it is as if at that + particular moment she was for the first time revealed to me. + </p> + <p> + And why among the treasured playthings of my childhood has the tiny + watering-pot taken on the value and sacred dignity of a relic? So much so + indeed, that when I am far distant on the ocean, in hours of danger, I + think of it with tenderness, and see it in the place where it has lain for + years, in the little bureau, never opened, mixed in with broken toys; and + should it disappear I would feel as if I had lost an amulet that could not + be replaced. + </p> + <p> + And the simple shawl of lilac barege, found recently among some old + clothing laid aside to be given to the poor, why have I put it away as + carefully as if it were a priceless object? Because in its color (now + faded), in its quaint Indian pattern and tiny bouquets of violets, I still + find an emanation from my mother; I believe that I borrow therefrom a holy + calm and sweet confidence that is almost a faith. And mingled in with the + other feelings there is perhaps a melancholy regret for those May mornings + of long ago that seemed so much brighter than are those of to-day. + </p> + <p> + Truly I fear this book, the most personal I have ever written, will weary + many. + </p> + <p> + In transcribing these memories in the calm of middle life, so favorable to + reverie, I had constantly present in my thought the lovely queen to whom I + would dedicate this book; it is as if I were writing her a long letter + with the full assurance of being understood in all those sacred matters to + which words give but an inadequate expression. + </p> + <p> + Perhaps you will understand also, my dear unknown readers, who with kindly + sympathy have followed me thus far; and all those who cherish, or who have + been cherished by their mothers will not smile at the childish things + written down here. + </p> + <p> + But this chapter will certainly seem ridiculous to those who are strangers + to an all absorbing love, they will not be able to imagine that I have a + deep pity to exchange for their cynical smiles. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VI. + </h2> + <p> + Before I finish writing of the confused memories I have of the + commencement of my life I wish to speak of another ray of sunshine—a + sad ray this time,—that has left an ineffaceable impression upon me, + and the meaning of which will never be clear to me. + </p> + <p> + Upon a Sunday, after we had returned from church, the ray appeared to me. + It came through a half-open window and fell into the stairway, and as it + lengthened itself upon the whiteness of the wall it took on a peculiar, + weird shape. + </p> + <p> + I had returned from church with my mother and as I mounted the stairs I + took her hand. The house was filled with a humming silence peculiar to the + noontime of very hot summer days (it was August or September). Following + the habit of our country the shutters were half closed making indoors, + during the heated period of the day, a sort of twilight. + </p> + <p> + As I entered the house there came to me an appreciation of the stillness + of Sunday that in the country and in peaceful byways of little towns is + like the peace of death. But when I saw the ray of sunlight fall obliquely + through the staircase window, I had a feeling more poignant than ordinary + sorrow; I had a feeling altogether incomprehensible and absolutely new in + which there seemed infused a conception of the brevity of life's summers, + their rapid flight and the incomputable ages of the sun. But other + elements still more mysterious, that it would be impossible for me to + explain even vaguely, entered therein. + </p> + <p> + I wish to add to the history of this ray of sunshine the sequel that is + intimately connected with it. Years passed; I became a man, and after + having been among many people and experienced many adventures I lived for + an autumn and winter in an isolated house in an unfrequented part of + Stamboul. It was there that every evening at approximately the same hour, + a ray of sunlight came in through the window and fell obliquely on the + wall and lit up the niche (hollowed out of the stone wall) in which I had + placed an Athenian vase. And I never saw that ray of sunlight without + thinking of the one I had seen upon that Sunday of long ago; nor without + having the same, precisely the same sad emotion, scarcely diminished by + time, and always full of the same mystery. And when I had to leave Turkey, + when I was obliged to quit my dangerous but adored lodgings in Stamboul, + with all my busy and hurried preparations for departure there was mingled + this strange regret: never more should I see the oblique ray of sunshine + come into the stairway window and fall upon the niche in the wall where + the Greek vase stood. + </p> + <p> + Perhaps under all of this there may have been, if not recollections of a + previous personal experience, at least the reflected inchoate thoughts of + ancestors which I am unable in any clearer way to bring out of darkness. + But enough! I must say no more, for I again find myself in the land of + vague fancy, gliding phantoms and illusive nothings. + </p> + <p> + For this almost unintelligible chapter there is no excuse that I can + offer, save that I have written it with the greatest frankness and + sincerity. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII. + </h2> + <p> + And I now recall the impressions of springtime, all the fresh splendor of + May; and I remember vividly the lonely road called the Fountain road. + </p> + <p> + (As I am endeavoring to put my recollections into some sort of order I + think that at this time I must have been about five years old.) + </p> + <p> + I was old enough at any rate to take walks with my father and my sister, + and I went out with them this dewy morning. I was in ecstasy to see that + everything had become so green, to see the budding foliage and the + tasselled shrubs and hedges. Along the sides of the road the grass was all + the same length, and the flowers in the grass with their exquisite + mingling of the red of the geranium and the blue of the speedwell, made + the whole earth seem a great bouquet. As I plucked the flowers I scarcely + knew which way to run; in my eagerness I trod upon them and my legs became + wet from the dew—I marvelled at all the richness at my disposal, and + I longed to take great armfuls of the flowers and carry them away with me. + </p> + <p> + My sister, who had gathered a sprig of hawthorn, one of iris and some long + sheath-like grasses leaned towards me, and took my hand, and said: “You + have enough for the present; you see, dear, that we could never gather all + of them.” + </p> + <p> + But I did not heed, so absolutely intoxicated was I with the magnificence + about me, the like of which I did not recall ever to have seen before. + </p> + <p> + That was the beginning of those almost daily excursions that I took with + my father and sister, and that I kept up for so long a time (almost to my + boarding-school days). It is through them that I became so well acquainted + with the surrounding country and with the varieties of flowers found + there. Poor fields and meadows of my native country! So monotonous, so + flat, one so like another; fields of hay and daisies where in childhood I + would disappear from sight and hide under the green vegetation. Fields of + corn and paths bordered with hawthorn, I love you all in spite of your + monotony! + </p> + <p> + Toward the west, in the far distance, my eyes sought for a glimpse of the + sea. Sometimes when we had gone a long way there would appear upon the + horizon, among the other lines there, a straight bluish one; it was the + sea; and it lured me to it finally as a great and patient lover lures, who + sure of his power is willing to wait. + </p> + <p> + My sister and my brother, of whom I have not spoken before, were + considerably older than I; it seemed almost as if we belonged to different + generations. For that reason they petted me even more than did my father + and mother, my grandmother and aunts; and as I was the only child among + them I was cherished like a little hot-house plant, I was too tenderly + guarded and remained all too unacquainted with thorns and brambles. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VIII. + </h2> + <p> + Someone has advanced the theory that those persons endowed with a gift for + painting (either with color or with words) probably belong to a half-blind + species; accustomed to living in a partial light, in a sort of misty + grayness, they turn their gaze inward; and when by chance they do look out + their impressions are ten times more vivid than are those of ordinary + people. + </p> + <p> + To me that seems a little paradoxical. + </p> + <p> + But it is true that sometimes an enveloping darkness aids one to clearer + vision; as in a panorama building, for example, where the obscurity about + the entrance prepares one better for the climax, and gives the scene + depicted a more real and vivid appearance. + </p> + <p> + In the course of my life I would without doubt have been less impressed by + the ever shifting phantasmagoria of existence had I not begun my journey + in a place almost without distinctive color, in a tranquil corner of the + most commonplace little town, receiving an education austerely pious; and + where my longest journey was bounded by the forests of Limoise (as + wonderful to me as a primeval forest) and by the shores of the island of + Oleron, that seemed very immense when I went to it to visit my aged aunts. + </p> + <p> + But after all is said, it was in the yard about our house that I passed + the happiest of my summers—it seemed to me that that was my + particular kingdom, and I adored it. + </p> + <p> + It was in truth a beautiful yard, much more sunny and airy than the + majority of city gardens. Its long avenue of green and flowery branches, + that overtopped the heads of the neighboring fruit trees, was bordered on + the south by a low and ancient wall over which grew roses and + honeysuckles. The long leafy avenue gave the impression of great depth, + and its perspective melted into a bower of vines and jasmine bushes that + in turn became a great verdant place, which came to an end at a storehouse + of ancient construction, whose gray stones were hidden under ivy vines. + </p> + <p> + Ah! How I loved that garden, and how much I still love it! + </p> + <p> + I believe the keenest, earliest memories are of the beautiful long summer + evenings. Oh! the return from a walk during those long, clear twilights + that certainly were more delicious than are those of to-day. What joy to + re-enter that yard which the thorn-apples and the honeysuckles filled with + the sweetest odor, to enter and see from the gate all the long avenue of + tangled greenness. Through an opening in a bower of Virginia Creeper I + could see the rosy splendor of the setting sun; and somewhat removed in + the gathering shadows of the foliage, there were distinguishable three or + four persons. The persons, it is true, were very quiet and they were + dressed in black, but they were nevertheless very reassuring to me, very + familiar and very much beloved: they were the forms of mother, grandmother + and aunts. Then I would run to them hastily and throw myself upon their + laps, and that was always one of the happiest moments of my day. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IX. + </h2> + <p> + In the month of March, as the shadows of twilight gathered, two little + children were seated very close together upon a low footstool—two + little ones, between the ages of five and six, dressed in short trousers + with white pinafores over them, as was the fashion of the time. After + having played wildly they were now quietly amusing themselves with paper + and pencils. The dim light seemed to fill them with a vague fear, and it + troubled their spirits. + </p> + <p> + Of the two children only one was drawing—it was I. The other, a + friend invited over for the day, an exceptional thing, was watching me + with great attention. With some difficulty (trusting me meantime) he + followed the fantastic movements of my pencil whose intention I took care + to explain to him at some length. And my oral interpretation was + necessary, for I was busy executing two drawings that I entitled + respectively, “The Happy Duck” and “The Unhappy Duck.” + </p> + <p> + The room in which we were seated must have been furnished about the year + 1805, at the time of the marriage of my now-very-old grandmother, who + still occupied it, and who this evening was seated in the chair of the + Directory period; she was singing to herself and she took no notice of us. + </p> + <p> + My memories of my grandmother are indistinct for her death occurred + shortly after this time; but as I will never again, in the course of this + recital, have a more vivid impression of her, I will here insert what I + know of her history. + </p> + <p> + It seems that in the stress of all sorts of troubles she had been a brave + and noble mother. After reverses that were so general in those days, after + losing her husband at the Battle of Trafalgar, and her elder son at the + shipwreck of the Medusa, she went resolutely to work to educate her + younger son, my father, until such time as he should be able to support + himself. At about her eightieth year (which was not far distant when I + came into the world) the senility of second childhood had set in; at that + time I knew nothing about the tragedy of the loss of memory and I could + not realize the vacancy of her mind and soul. + </p> + <p> + She would often stand for a long time before a mirror and talk in a most + amiable way to her own reflection, which she called, “my good neighbor” or + “my dear neighbor.” It was also her mania to sing with a most excessive + ardor the Marseillaise, the Parisiennes, the “Song of Farewell,” and all + the noble songs of the transition time, which had been the rage in her + young womanhood. + </p> + <p> + During these exciting times she had lived quietly, and had occupied + herself entirely with her household cares and her son's education. For + that reason it seems the more singular that from her disordered mind, just + about as it was to take its journey into complete darkness and to become + disintegrated through death, there should come this tardy echo of that + tempestuous time. + </p> + <p> + I enjoyed listening to her very much and often I would laugh, but without + any irreverence, and I never was the least afraid of her. She was + extremely lovely and had delicate and regular features, and her expression + was very sweet. Her abundant hair was silver-gray, and upon her cheeks + there was a color similar to that of a faded rose leaf, a color which the + old people of that generation often retained into extreme old age. I + remember that she usually wore a red cashmere shawl about her shoulders, + and that she always had on an old-fashioned cap trimmed with green + ribbons. There was something very modest and gentle and pleasing about her + still graceful little body. + </p> + <p> + Her room, where I liked to come to play because it was so large and sunny, + was furnished as simply as a Presbyterian parsonage: the waxed walnut + furniture was of the Directory period, the large bed had a canopy of + thick, red, cotton stuff and the walls were painted an ochre yellow; and + upon them in gilt frames, slightly tarnished, were hung water colors + representing vases of flowers. I very soon discovered that this room was + furnished in a very simple and old-fashioned way, and I thought to myself + that the good old grandmother who sang so constantly must be much poorer + than my other grandmother, who was younger by twenty years, and who always + dressed in black—which last matter seemed an elegant distinction to + me. + </p> + <p> + But to return to my drawings! I think that the pictures of those two + ducks, occupying such different stations in life, were the first I ever + drew. + </p> + <p> + At the bottom of the picture called “The Happy Duck” I had drawn a tiny + house, and near the duck himself there was a large, kind woman who was + calling him to her so that she might give him food. + </p> + <p> + “The Unhappy Duck,” on the other hand, was swimming about solitary and + alone on a sort of hazy sea, which I had represented by drawing two or + three straight lines, and in the distance one could see the outline of a + gloomy shore. The thin paper, a leaf torn from a book, had print on the + reverse side, and the letters showed through in grayish flecks and gave + the curious impression as of clouds in the sky. And that little drawing, + with less form than a school-boy's blackboard scrawl, was completely + transfigured by those gray spots, and because of them it took on for me a + deep and dreadful significance. Aided by the dim light in the room the + pictured scene became a vision that faded away into the distance like the + pale surface of the sea. I was terrified at my own work; I was astonished + to find in it those things that I had not put there; to discover in it + those things which elsewhere had given me such a well remembered anguish. + </p> + <p> + “Oh!” I said with exaltation to my young companion, who did not understand + anything of what was going forward, “Oh!” I exclaimed with a voice full of + emotion, “you may see it; I cannot bear to look at it!” I covered the + picture with my hands, but nevertheless I peeped at it very often; and it + was so vividly impressed upon my mind that I can still recall it as it + appeared to me transfigured: a gleam of light lay upon the horizon of that + sea so awkwardly represented, the heavens appeared to be filled with rain, + and it seemed to be a dreary winter evening in which there was a fierce + wind blowing. + </p> + <p> + The “Unhappy Duck” solitary, far away from his family and friends was + making his way toward the foggy shore over which there hung an air of + extreme sadness and desolation. And certainly for one fleeting moment I + had a prescience of those heartaches that I was to know later in the + course of my sailor life. I seemed to have a presentiment of those stormy + December evenings when my boat was to enter, to take shelter until the + morning, one of those uninhabited bays upon the coast of Brittany; more + particularly I had a prescience of those twilights of the Antarctic winter + when, in about the latitude of Magellan, we were to go in search of + protection towards those sterile shores that are as inhospitable and as + absolutely deserted as the waters surrounding them. + </p> + <p> + The vision faded and I once more found myself in my grandmother's large + room enveloped in the shadows of the evening. My grandmother was singing, + and I was again a tiny being who had seen nothing of the large world, who + had fears without knowing wherefore, and who did not even know the cause + of the tears that he shed. + </p> + <p> + Since then I have often observed that the rudimentary scrawls made by + children, and which as representations are incorrect and inadequate, + impress them much more than do the able and correct drawing of adults. For + although theirs are incomplete they add to them a thousand things of their + own seeing and imagining; and they add to them also the thousand things + that grow in the deep subsoil of their consciousness—the things + which no brush would be able to paint. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER X. + </h2> + <p> + Upon the second floor, above the room occupied by my poor old grandmother, + who sang the Marseillaise so constantly, in that part of the house + overlooking the yard and the gardens, lived my great-aunt Bertha. + </p> + <p> + From her windows, across the houses and the walls covered with roses and + jasmine, one could see the ramparts of the town. They were so near to us + that their old trees were visible; and beyond them lay those great plains + of our country called prees (prairies) all so alike, and as monotonous as + the neighboring seas. From the window one also saw the river. At full + tide, when it almost overflowed its banks, it looked, as it wound along + through the green meadows, like silver lace; and the large and small boats + that passed in the far distance mounted upon this silver thread toward the + harbor and from there sailed out into the great sea. + </p> + <p> + As this was our only glimpse of real country the windows in my aunt + Bertha's room had always a great attraction for me. Especially had they in + the evening at sunset, for from them I could watch the sun sink + mysteriously behind the prairies. Oh! those sunsets that I saw from my + aunt Bertha's windows, what ecstasy overcast with melancholy they awakened + in me! The winter sunsets seen through the closed windows were a pale rose + color. Those of summer time, upon stormy evenings, after a hot, bright + day, I contemplated from the open window, and as I did so I would breathe + in the sweet odors given out by the jasmine blossoms growing on the wall: + it seems to me that there are no such sunsets now as there were then. When + the sunsets were notably splendid and unusual, if I was not in the room, + aunt Bertha, who never missed one, would call out hastily: “Dearie! + Dearie! Come quickly!” From any corner of the house I heard that call and + understood it, and I went swift as a hurricane and mounted the stairs four + steps at a time. I mounted the more rapidly because the stairway had + already begun to fill with dread shadows; and in the turnings and corners + I saw the imaginary forms of ghosts and monsters that at nightfall always + pursued me as I ran up the stairs. + </p> + <p> + My aunt Bertha's room, with its simple white muslin curtains, was as + modest as my grandmother's. The walls, covered with an old-fashioned paper + in vogue at the commencement of the century, were ornamented with water + colors similar to those in my grandmother's room. The picture that I + looked at most often was a pastel after Raphael of a virgin in white, blue + and rose color. The rays of the setting sun always fell upon this picture + (I have already said the hour of sunset was the time I preferred most to + be in this room). This virgin was very much like my aunt Bertha; in spite + of the great difference in their ages, one was struck with the resemblance + between the straight lines and regularity of their profiles. + </p> + <p> + On this same floor, but upon the street side, lived my other grandmother + (the one who always dressed in black) and her daughter, my aunt Claire, + the person in the house who petted me most. + </p> + <p> + Upon winter evenings, after I had been to my aunt Bertha's room to see the + sunset, it was my custom to go to them. I usually found them together in + my grandmother's room and I would seat myself near the fire in a little + chair placed there for me. But the twilight hour spent with them was + always a disturbing one. . . . After all the amusements, all the day's + running and playing, to sit in the dusk almost motionless upon my tiny + chair, with eyes wide open, uneasily watching for the least change in the + shadows, especially on that side of the room where the door opened on the + dim stairway, was very painful to me. . . . I am sure that if my + grandmother and aunt had known of the melancholy and terrors which the + twilight induced in me, they would have spared me by lighting the lamp, + but they did not know my sufferings; and it was the custom of the aged + persons by whom I was surrounded, to sit tranquilly at nightfall in their + accustomed places without having need for a lighted lamp. As it grew + darker one or the other, grandmother or aunt, would draw her chair closer + to me, and when I had that protection about me I felt completely happy and + reassured and would say: “Please tell me stories about the Island.” + </p> + <p> + The Island, that is the Island of Oleron, was my mother's native place, my + grandmother's and aunt's also, which they had quitted twenty years before + my birth to establish themselves upon the main land. The Island, or the + least thing that came from it, had a singular charm for me. + </p> + <p> + It was quite near us, for from a garret window at the top of the house we + could, upon a very clear day, see the extreme end of its extensive plain; + it appeared a little bluish line against a still paler one which was the + arm of the ocean separating us from it. . . . To get to it we had to take + a long journey in wretched country wagons and in sailing boats; and often + our boat had to make its way there in the teeth of a strong gale. At this + time in the village of St. Pierre Oleron I had three old aunts who lived + very modestly upon the revenues of their salt marshes (the remains of a + once great inheritance), and their annual rents which the peasants still + paid with sacks of wheat. . . . When I went to visit them at St. Pierre + there was for me a certain joy, mingled with many kinds of conflicting + emotions, which I cannot explain, in trying to picture to myself their + once great station. + </p> + <p> + The Huguenot austerity of their manners, their mode of life, their house + and their furniture all belonged to a past time, to a bygone generation. + The sea surrounded and isolated us, and the wind constantly swept over the + moorland and over the great stretches of sandy beach. + </p> + <p> + My nurse was also from the Island, of a Huguenot family, which descending + from father to son had been with us for a long time; and she would say: + “At home, on the Island,” in such a way that with a wave of emotion I + understood her great homesickness for it. + </p> + <p> + We had about us a number of little articles that had come from there, and + which had places of honor in our home. We had some black pebbles large as + cannon-balls, that had been chosen from the thousands lying on the + Long-Beach because centuries of washing had polished and rounded them + exquisitely. These pebbles always played an important part every winter + evening, for with the greatest regularity the old people would put them + into the chimney-place where a wood fire blazed and crackled; afterwards + they slipped them into calico bags of a flowered pattern, also brought + from the Island, and took them to bed where they served to keep their feet + warm during the night. + </p> + <p> + In our cellar we had wooden props and firkins, and also a number of + straight elm poles for holding the washing which had been cut from the + choicest young trees in my grandmother's forest. I had the greatest + veneration for all these things. I knew that my grandmother no longer + owned the forests, nor the salt marshes, nor the vineyards; for I had + heard them say that she had sold them one at a time to put the money into + investments upon the mainland; and that an incompetent notary by his bad + investments had greatly reduced her income. + </p> + <p> + When I went to the Island and the old salt makers and vine dressers, who + had at one time worked for our family, still loyal and respectful called + me “our little master,” I knew they did so out of pure politeness and + altogether in deference to our past grandeur. + </p> + <p> + I regretted that I could not spend my life in tending the vineyards and + the harvests, the occupations of several of my ancestors. Such a life + seemed a much more desirable one to me than my own which was passed in a + house in town. + </p> + <p> + The stories of the Island that my grandmother and aunt Claire related to + me were generally of the happenings of their own childhood, a childhood + that seemed so very far away that to me it had no more reality than a + dream. + </p> + <p> + There were stories of grandfathers, long dead; of great-uncles whom I had + never known, dead also for many years. When my aunt told me their names + and described them to me I would abandon myself to reverie. There was in + particular a grandfather Samuel who had preached at the time of the + religious persecution, whom I thought an extraordinarily interesting + person. + </p> + <p> + I did not care whether the stories were different or not, and I would ask + for the same ones over and over. Often they told me stories of journeys + they had taken on the little donkeys that played such an important part in + the lives of the people of St. Pierre. They would ride upon them to visit + distant properties and vineyards; to get to these it was often necessary + to travel along the sands of the Long-Beach, and sometimes of an evening + during these expeditions terrible storms would burst upon the travellers + and compel them to take shelter for the night in the inns and farmhouses. + </p> + <p> + And as I sat in the darkness that no longer had terrors for me, my + imagination busy with the things and peoples of other days, tinkle, tinkle + would go the dinner bell; then I rose and jumped for joy, and we would go + down to the dining-room together and find all the family gathered there in + the bright gay room: then I would run to my mother and in an excess of + emotion hide my face in her dress. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XI. + </h2> + <p> + Gaspard was a little crop-eared dog who was saved from absolute homeliness + by the vivacious and kindly expression of his eyes. I do not now recall + how he came to domesticate himself with us, but I do know that I loved him + very tenderly. + </p> + <p> + One winter afternoon, when he and I were out for a walk, he ran away from + me. I consoled myself, however, by saying that he would certainly return + to the house alone, and I went home in a happy frame of mind. But when + night came and he was still absent I grew very heavy of heart. + </p> + <p> + My parents had at dinner that evening an accomplished violinist and they + had given me permission to remain up later than usual so that I might hear + him. The first sweep of his bow which preluded I know not what slow and + desolate movement, sounded to me like an invocation to those dark woodland + paths in which, in the deeps of night, one feels that he is lost and + abandoned; as the musician played I had a vision of Gaspard mistaking his + way at the cross-roads because of the rain, and I saw him take an + unfamiliar path that led forever away from friends and home. Then my tears + began to flow, but no one perceived them; and as I wept the violin + continued to fill the silence with its sad wailing, and it seemed to get a + response from bottomless abysses inhabited by phantoms to which I could + give neither a form nor name. + </p> + <p> + That was my introduction to reverie awaking music, and years passed before + I again experienced such sensations, for the little piano pieces that I + began to play for myself soon after this (in a remarkable way for a child + of my age they said) sounded to me only like sweet, rhythmical noise. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XII. + </h2> + <p> + I wish now to speak of the anguish caused by a story that was read to me. + (I seldom read for myself, and in fact I disliked books very much.) + </p> + <p> + A very disobedient little boy who had run away from his family and his + native land, years later, after the death of his parents and his sister, + returned alone to visit his parental home. This took place in November, + and naturally the author described the dull gray sky and spoke of the + bleak wind that blew the few remaining leaves from the trees. + </p> + <p> + In a deserted garden, in an arbor stripped of all its green, the prodigal + son in stooping down found among the autumn leaves a bluish bead that had + lain there since the time he had played in the bower with his sister. + </p> + <p> + Oh! at that point I begged them to cease reading, for I felt the sobs + coming. I could see, see vividly, that solitary garden, that leafless old + arbor, and half-hidden under the reddish leaves I saw that blue bead, + souvenir of the dead sister. . . . It depressed me dreadfully and gave me + a conception of that inevitable fading away of everything and every one, + of the great universal change that comes to all. + </p> + <p> + It is strange that my tenderly guarded infancy should have been so full of + sad emotions and morbid reflections. + </p> + <p> + I am sure that the sad days and happenings were rare, and that I lived the + joyous and careless life of other children; but just because the happy + days were so habitual to me they made no impression upon my mind, and I + can no longer recall them. + </p> + <p> + My memories of the summer time are so similar that they break with the + splendor of the sun into the dark places and things of my mind. + </p> + <p> + And always the great heat, the deep blue skies, the sparkling sand of the + beach and the flood of light upon the white lime walls of the cottages of + the little villages upon the “Island” induced in me a melancholy and + sleepiness which I afterwards experienced with even greater intensity in + the land of the Turk. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIII. + </h2> + <p> + “And at midnight there was a cry made: Behold, the Bridegroom cometh; go + ye out to meet him. . . . And they that were ready went in with him to the + marriage; and the door was shut. Afterward came also the other virgins, + saying, Lord, Lord, open to us. + </p> + <p> + “But he answered and said, Verily, I say unto you, I know you not. + </p> + <p> + “Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son + of man cometh.” + </p> + <p> + After reading these verses in a loud voice, my father closed the Bible; in + the room where we were assembled there was a sound of chairs being moved + and we all went down upon our knees to pray. Following the usage in old + Huguenot families, it was our custom to have prayers just before retiring + to our rooms for the night. + </p> + <p> + “And the door was shut. . . .” Although I still knelt I no longer heard + the prayer, for the foolish virgins appeared to me. They were enveloped in + white veils that billowed about them as they stood before the door holding + in their hands the little lamps whose flickering flames were so soon to be + extinguished, leaving them in the gloom without before that closed door, + closed against them irrevocably and forever. . . . And a time could come + then when it would be too late; when the Saviour weary of our trespassing + would no longer listen to our supplications! I had never thought that that + was possible. And a fear more terrifying and awful than any I had ever + known before completely overwhelmed me at the thought of eternal + damnation. . . . + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + For a long time, for many weeks and months, the parable of the foolish + virgins haunted me. And every evening, when darkness came, I would repeat + to myself the words that sounded so beautiful and yet so dismaying: “Watch + therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man + cometh.” If he should come to-night, was ever my thought, I would be + awakened by a noise as of the sound of rushing waters, by the blare of the + trumpet of the angel of the Lord announcing the terrifying approach of the + end of the world. And I could never go to sleep until I had said a long + prayer in which I commended myself to the mercy of my Saviour. + </p> + <p> + I do not believe there was ever a little child who had a more sensitive + conscience than I; about everything I was so morbidly scrupulous that I + was often misunderstood by those who loved me best, a thing that caused me + the most poignant heartaches. I remember having been tormented for days + merely because in relating something I had not reported it precisely as it + had happened. And to such a point did I carry my squeamishness of + conscience that when I had finished with my recital or statement I would + murmur in a low voice, in the tone of one who tells over his beads, these + words: “After all, perhaps I do not remember just exactly how it was.” + When I think of the thousand remorses and fears which my trifling wrong + doings caused me, and which from my sixth to my eighth year cast a gloom + over my childhood, I feel a sort of retrospective depression. + </p> + <p> + At that period if any one asked me what I hoped to be in the future, when + a man, without hesitation I would answer: “I expect to be a minister,”—and + to me the religious vocation seemed the very grandest one. And those about + me would smile and without doubt they thought, inasmuch as I too wished + it, that it was the best career for me. + </p> + <p> + In the evening, especially at night, I meditated constantly of that + hereafter which to pronounce the name of filled me with terror: eternity. + And my departure from this earth,—this earth which I had scarcely + seen, of which I had seen no more than the tiniest and most colorless + corner—seemed to me a thing very near at hand. With a blending of + impatience and mortal fear I thought of myself as soon to be clothed in a + resplendent white robe, as soon to be seated in a great splendor of light + among the multitude of angels and chosen ones around the throne of the + Blessed Lamb; I saw myself in the midst of a great moving orb that, to the + sound of music, oscillated slowly and continuously in the infinite void of + heaven. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIV. + </h2> + <p> + “Once upon a time a little girl when she opened a large fruit that had + come from the colonies, a big creature came out of it, a green creature, + and it bit her and that made her die.” + </p> + <p> + It was my little friend Antoinette (she was six and I seven) who was + telling me the story which had been suggested to her because we were about + to break and divide an apricot between us. We were at the extreme end of + her garden in the lovely month of June under a branching apricot tree. We + sat very close together upon the same stool in a house about as big as a + bee-hive, which we had built for our exclusive use out of old planks. Our + dwelling was covered with pieces of foreign matting that had come from the + Antilles packed about some boxes of coffee. The sunbeams pierced the roof, + which was of a coarse straw-colored material, and the warm breeze that + stirred the leaves of the trees about us made the sunlight dance as it + fell upon our faces and aprons. (During at least two summers it had been + our favorite amusement to build, in isolated nooks, houses like the one + described in Robinson Crusoe, and thus hidden away we would sit together + and chat.) In the story of the little girl who was bitten by the big + creature this phrase, “a very large fruit from the colonies,” had suddenly + plunged me into a reverie. And I had a vision of trees, of strange fruits, + and of forests filled with marvelously colored birds. Ah! how much those + magical but disturbing words, “the colonies” conveyed to me in my + childhood. To me they meant at that time all tropical and distant + countries, which I invariably thought of as filled with giant palms, + exquisite flowers, strange black people and great animals. Although my + ideas were so confused I had an almost true conception, amounting to an + intuition, of their mournful splendor and their enervating melancholy. + </p> + <p> + I think that I saw a palm for the first time in an illustrated book called + the “Young Naturalists,” by Madame Ulliac-Tremadeure; the book was one of + my New Year's gifts, and I read some parts of it upon New Year's evening. + (Green-house palms had not at that time been brought to our little town.) + </p> + <p> + The illustrator had placed two of these unfamiliar trees at the edge of a + sea-shore along which negroes were passing. Recently I was curious enough + to hunt in the little yellow, faded book for that picture, and truly I + wonder how that illustration had the power to create the very least of my + dreams unless it were that my immature mind was already leavened by the + memory of memories. + </p> + <p> + “The colonies!” Ah! how can I give an adequate idea of all that awoke in + my mind at the sound of these words? A fruit from there, a bird or a + shell, had instantly the greatest charm for me. + </p> + <p> + There were a number of things from the tropics in little Antoinette's + home: a parrot, birds of many colors in a cage, and collections of shells + and insects. In one of her mamma's bureau drawers I had seen quaint + necklaces of fragrant berries; in the garret, where we sometimes rummaged, + we found skins of animals and peculiar bags and cases upon which could + still be made out the names of towns in the Antilles; and a faint tropical + odor scented the entire house. + </p> + <p> + Antoinette's garden, as I have said, was separated from ours by a very low + wall overgrown with roses and jasmine. And the very old pomegranate tree + growing there spread its branches into our yard, and at the blooming + season its coral-red petals were scattered upon our grass. + </p> + <p> + Often we spoke from one house to the other: + </p> + <p> + “Can I come over and play with you?” I would ask. “Will your mamma allow + me?” + </p> + <p> + “No, because I have been naughty and I am being punished.” (That happened + very often.)—Such an answer always grieved me a great deal; but I + must confess that it was more on account of my disappointment over the + parrot and the tropical things than because of her punishment. + </p> + <p> + Little Antoinette had been born in the colonies, but, curiously enough, + she never seemed to value that fact, and they had very little charm for + her, indeed she scarcely remembered them. I would have given everything I + possessed in the world to have seen, if only for the briefest time, one of + those distant countries, inaccessible to me, as I well knew. + </p> + <p> + With a regret that was almost anguish I thought, alas! that in my life as + minister, live as long as I might, I would never, never see those + enchanting lands. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XV. + </h2> + <p> + I will now describe a game that gave Antoinette and me the greatest + pleasure during those two delicious summers. + </p> + <p> + We pretended to be two caterpillars, and we would creep along the ground + upon our stomachs and our knees and hunt for leaves to eat. After having + done that for some time we played that we were very very sleepy, and we + would lie down in a corner under the trees and cover our heads with our + white aprons—we had become cocoons. We remained in this condition + for some time, and so thoroughly did we enter into the role of insects in + a state of metamorphosis, that any one listening would have heard pass + between us, in a tone of the utmost seriousness, conversations of this + nature: + </p> + <p> + “Do you think that you will soon be able to fly?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh yes! I'll be flying very soon; I feel them growing in my shoulders now + . . . they'll soon unfold.” (“They” naturally referred to wings.) + </p> + <p> + Finally we would wake up, stretch ourselves, and without saying anything + we conveyed by our manner our astonishment at the great transformation in + our condition. . . . + </p> + <p> + Then suddenly we began to run lightly and very nimbly in our tiny shoes; + in our hands we held the corners of our pinafores which we waved as if + they were wings; we ran and ran, and chased each other, and flew about + making sharp and fantastic curves as we went. We hastened from flower to + flower and smelled all of them, and we continually imitated the + restlessness of giddy moths; we imagined too that we were imitating their + buzzing when we exclaimed: “Hou ou ou!” a noise we made by filling the + cheeks with air and puffing it out quickly through the half-closed mouth. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVI. + </h2> + <p> + The butterflies, the poor butterflies that have gone out of fashion in + these days, played, I am ashamed to say, a large part in my life during my + childhood, as did also the flies, beetles and lady-bugs and all the + insects that are found upon flowers and in the grass. Although it gave me + a great deal of pain to kill them, I was making a collection of them, and + I was almost always seen with a butterfly net in my hand. Those flying + about in our yard, that had strayed our way from the country, were not + very beautiful it must be confessed, but I had the garden and woods of + Limoise which all the summer long was a hunting-ground ever full of + surprises and wonders. + </p> + <p> + But the caricatures by Topffer upon this subject made me thoughtful; and + when Lucette one day caught me with several butterflies in my hat, and in + her incomparably mocking voice called me, “Mr. Cryptogram,” I was much + humiliated. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0017" id="link2HCH0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVII. + </h2> + <p> + The poor old grandmother who sang so constantly was dying. + </p> + <p> + We were all standing about her bed at nightfall one spring evening. She + had been ailing scarcely more than forty-eight hours; but the doctor said + that on account of her great age she could not rally, and he pronounced + her end to be very near. + </p> + <p> + Her mind had become clear; she no longer mistook our names, and in a sweet + calm voice she begged us to remain near her—it was doubtless the + voice of other days, the one that I had never heard before. + </p> + <p> + As I stood close to my father's side I turned my eyes from my dying + grandmother, and they wandered about the room with its old-fashioned + furniture. I looked especially at the pictures of bouquets in vases that + hung upon the wall. Oh! those poor little water colors in my grandmother's + room, how ingenuous they were! They all bore this inscription: “A Bouquet + for my mother,” and under this there was a little verse of four lines + dedicated to her which I could now read and understand. These works of art + had been painted by my father in his early boyhood, and he had presented + them to his mother upon each joyful anniversary. The poor, unpretentious + little pictures bore testimony to the humble life of those early days, and + they spoke of the sacred intimacy of mother and son,—they had been + painted during the time which followed those great ordeals, the wars, the + English invasion and the burning over of the country by the enemy. For the + first time I realized that my grandmother too had been young; that, + without doubt, before the trouble with her head, my father had loved her + as I loved my mamma, and I felt that he would sorrow greatly when he lost + her; I felt sorry for him and I was also full of remorse because I had + laughed at her singing, and had been amused when she spoke to her image + reflected in the looking-glass. + </p> + <p> + They sent me down stairs. On different pretexts, the reason for which I + did not understand, they kept me away from the room until the day was + over; then they took me to the house of our friends, the D——s, + where I was to have dinner with Lucette. + </p> + <p> + When, at about half past eight, I returned home with my nurse, I insisted + upon going straight to my grandmother's room. + </p> + <p> + When I entered I was struck with the order and the air of profound peace + that pervaded the room. My father was sitting motionless at the head of + the bed—he was in the shadow, the open curtains were draped with + great precision, and on the pillow, just in its middle, was the head of my + sleeping grandmother; her whole position had about it something very + regular—something that suggested eternal rest. + </p> + <p> + My mother and sister were seated beside a chiffonier near the door, from + which place they had kept watch over my grandmother during her illness. As + soon as I entered they signalled to me with their hands as if to say: + “Softly, softly, make no noise; she is asleep.” The shade of their lamp + threw a vivid light upon the material they were busied with, a number of + little silk squares, brown, yellow, gray, etc., that I recognized as + pieces of their old dresses and hat ribbons. + </p> + <p> + At first I thought that they were working upon things which it is + customary to prepare for people about to die; but when I, in a very low + voice and with some uneasiness, questioned them about it, they explained + that they were making sachets which were to be sold for charity. + </p> + <p> + I said that I wished to bid grandmother good night before retiring, and + they allowed me to go towards the bed; but before I reached the middle of + the room they, after glancing quickly at each other, changed their minds. + </p> + <p> + “No, no,” they said in a very low voice, “come back, you might disturb + her.” + </p> + <p> + But before they spoke I came to a halt of myself, I was overwhelmed with + terror—I understood. + </p> + <p> + Although fear kept me fixed to the spot I noted with astonishment that my + grandmother was not at all disagreeable to look at; I had never before + seen a dead person, and I had imagined until then, that when the spirit + took its departure all that remained was a grinning, hideous skeleton. On + the contrary my grandmother had upon her face an extremely sweet and + tranquil smile; she was as beautiful as ever, and her face appeared to be + rejuvenated and filled with a holy peace. + </p> + <p> + Then there passed through my mind one of those sad flashes which sometimes + come to little children and permit them to see for a moment into hidden + depths, and I reflected: How can grandmother be in heaven, how am I to + understand the division of the one body into two parts, for that which was + left for interment, was it not my grandmother herself, ah! was it not she + even to the very expression that she bore in life? + </p> + <p> + After that I stole away with a bruised heart and downcast spirit, not + daring to ask a question of any one, fearful lest what I had so unerringly + divined would be confirmed, I did not wish to hear the dread and terrible + word pronounced. . . . + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + For a long time thereafter little silken sachet bags were always + associated in my mind with the idea of death. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0018" id="link2HCH0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVIII. + </h2> + <p> + I still have in my memory, almost agonizing impressions of a serious + illness which I had when I was about eight years old. Those about me + called it scarlet fever, and its very name seemed to have a diabolical + quality. + </p> + <p> + I had the fever in March, which was cold and blustering and dreary that + year, and every evening as night fell, if by chance my mother was not near + me, a great sadness would overwhelm my soul. (It was an oppression coming + on at twilight, from which animals, and beings with a temperament like + mine suffer almost equally.) + </p> + <p> + My curtains were kept open, and I always had a view of the pathetic + looking little table with its cups of gruel and bottles of medicines. And + as I gazed at these things, so suggestive of sickness, they took on + strange shapes in the darkness of the silent room,—and at such times + there passed through my head a procession of grotesque, hideous and + alarming images. + </p> + <p> + Upon two successive evenings at dusk there appeared to me, in the half + delirium of fever, two persons who caused me the most extreme terror. + </p> + <p> + The first one was an old woman, hump-backed and very ugly, but with a + fascinating ugliness, who without my hearing her open the door, without my + seeing any one rise to meet her, stole noiselessly to my side. She + departed, however, without speaking to me; but as she turned to go her + hump became visible, and I saw that there was an opening in it, and there + popped out from this hole the green head of a parrot which the old woman + carried in her hump. This creature called out, “Cuckoo,” in a thin, + squeaking, far-away voice, and then withdrew again into the frightful old + hag's hump. Oh! when I heard that “Cuckoo!” a cold perspiration formed on + my forehead; but suddenly the woman disappeared and then I realized that + it was only a dream. + </p> + <p> + The next evening a tall thin man, clothed in the black dress of a + minister, appeared to me. He did not come near me, but kept close to the + wall and whirled, with body all bent over, rapidly and noiselessly about + the room. His miserable, thin legs and the gown of his dress stood out + stiff and straight as he turned quickly. And—most horrible of all—he + had for a head the skull of a large white bird with a long beak, which was + a monstrous exaggeration of a sea-mew's skull, bleached by the sun and + wind and waves, that I had the previous summer found upon the beach at the + Island. (I believe this old man's visit coincided with the time when I was + worst, almost in danger.) After he had made one or two revolutions about + the room, he quickly and silently began to rise from the floor. Ever + moving his thin legs he reached the cornice, then higher and higher still + he rose, above the pictures and the looking-glasses, until he was lost to + sight in the twilight shadows that lay near the ceiling. + </p> + <p> + And for two or three years after this event the faces of those visions + haunted me. On winter evenings I thought of them with a shudder as I + mounted the stairway, which at that period it was not customary to light. + “If they should be there,” I would say to myself; “suppose one of them is + lying in wait to pursue me, and stretch out their hands and try to catch + me by the legs.” + </p> + <p> + And truly I will not be sure that I would not now feel, should I encourage + myself, some of the old-time fear which that woman and man inspired in me; + they were for some time at the head of the list of my childhood terrors, + and for very long they led the procession of visions and bad dreams. + </p> + <p> + Many gloomy apparitions haunted the first years of my life which otherwise + were so uncommonly sweet. I was especially addicted to indulging in sad + reflections at nightfall; I had impressions of my career being cut short + by an early death. Too carefully sheltered and protected at this period, + and yet in some measure forced mentally, I may be likened to a flower that + lacks color and vitality because it has been raised in an unwholesome + atmosphere. I should have been surrounded by hardy, mischievous, noisy + playmates of my own age and sex, but instead of that I played only with + gentle little girls. I was always careful and precise in my manners, and + my curled hair and sedate bearing gave me the appearance of a little + eighteenth century nobleman. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0019" id="link2HCH0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIX. + </h2> + <p> + After that long fever, the very name of which has a sinister sound, I + recall the delight I felt when they allowed me to go out into the air, + when I was permitted to go down into our beloved yard. The day chosen for + my first airing was a radiantly beautiful and clear morning in April. + Seated under the bower of jasmine and honeysuckle I felt as if I were + experiencing the enchantment of paradise, of another Eden. Everything was + budding and blossoming; without my knowledge, during the time that I was + confined to my bed, this wonderful drama of the spring had enacted itself + upon the earth. I had not often seen this wonderful and magical renewal + which has delighted man through all the ages, and to which only the very + aged seem indifferent; it ravished me and I allowed my joy to take + possession of me almost to the point of intoxication.—Oh! that pure, + warm, soft air; the glorious sunlight and the tender, fresh green of the + young plants and the budding trees that already cast a little shade. And + in myself there was an unwonted strength that bespoke recovery, and I + rejoiced mightily when I breathed in the sweet air and felt the flood of + new life. + </p> + <p> + My brother was a tall fellow of twenty-one who had the freedom of the + house and grounds in which to work out any of his fancies. During my + convalescence I entertained myself greatly speculating about something he + was busy with in the garden, which something I was dying of impatience to + see. At the end of the yard, in a lovely nook under an old plum tree, my + brother was making a tiny lake; he had dug it out and cemented it like a + cistern, and from the country round about he procured stones and + quantities of moss with which to make the banks about the lake romantic + looking; he also constructed rocky elevations and grottoes out of stones + and mosses. + </p> + <p> + And this work was finished the day that I went out for the first time; + they had even put little gold fish into the water, and they turned on the + tiny fountain and it played in my honor. + </p> + <p> + I approached it with ecstasy, and I found that it greatly surpassed in + beauty anything that my imagination had been able to conjure up. And when + my brother told me it was mine, I felt a joy so intense that it seemed to + me it must last forever. Oh! what unexpected joy to possess it for my very + own! And what happiness to know that I could enjoy it every single day + during the warm and beautiful months that were to come. And the thought of + being able to live out of doors again, the prospect of playing in every + nook of that lovely garden, as I had done the previous summer, was rapture + to me. + </p> + <p> + I remained at the edge of the pond a long time, looking at it and admiring + it unceasingly, and I breathed in the sweet, mild spring air, and warmed + myself in the radiant sunlight so long denied to me. The old plum tree + above my head, planted so long ago by one of my ancestors, and now almost + at the end of its usefulness, spread its lacy curtain of new leaves to the + tender blue of the sky, and the tiny fountain in its shade continued its + tuneful melody as if it were a little hurdy-gurdy celebrating my return to + health. + </p> + <p> + To-day that old plum tree is dead and its trunk the only thing left of it, + and spared out of respect, is covered, like a ruin, with ivy vines. + </p> + <p> + But the pond, with its grottoes and islets, still remains intact; time has + given it the appearance of genuine nature herself. Its greenish stones + look old and decayed; the mosses, the delicate little plants brought from + the river, and the rushes and wild iris have acclimated themselves, and + dragon flies that stray through the town take refuge there—a bit of + wild nature has established itself in that little corner and I hope it + will never be disturbed. + </p> + <p> + I am more loyally attached to that spot than to any other, although I have + loved many places; in no other one have I found so much peace; there I + feel tranquil, there I refresh myself and acquire youth and new life. That + little corner is my sacred Mecca, so much indeed is it to me that should + any one destroy it I would feel as if some vital thing in my life had lost + balance, would feel that I had missed my footing, or almost imagine that + it presaged the beginning of my end. + </p> + <p> + The reverent feeling that I have for the place has been born, I believe, + from my sea-faring life, with its long voyages to distant places and its + dreary exiles during which I thought and dreamed of it constantly. + </p> + <p> + There is in particular one little grotto for which I have an especial + affection: the memory of it has often, in times of depression and + melancholy, during the years of weary exile heartened me. + </p> + <p> + After the angel Azrael had so cruelly passed our way, after reverses of + many sorts, and during that sad term when I was a wanderer on the face of + the earth, and my widowed mother and my aunt Claire were left alone in the + beloved but deserted home that was almost as silent as a tomb, I + experienced many a heartache as I thought of the dear hearthstone and of + the things so familiar to my childhood that were doubtless going to ruin + through neglect. I felt especially anxious to know if the storms of winter + and the hands of time had destroyed the delicate arch of that grotto; and + strange as it may seem, if those little moss-covered rocks had fallen in I + would have felt that an almost irreparable breach had been made in my own + life. + </p> + <p> + At the side of the pond there is an old gray wall which is an integral + part of the corner that I call my Holy Mecca; I think it is the very + centre of the sacred place, and I recall the tiniest details of it. I can + picture to myself the scarcely visible mosses that grow there, and the + gaps made by time, which the spiders now inhabit. Growing up at the back + of the wall there is an arbor of ivy and honeysuckles whose shade I sought + daily every beautiful summer day for the purpose of studying my lessons. + But I lounged there lazily, as a school-boy will, and allowed all my + attention to be absorbed by those gray stones with their teeming world of + insects. Not only do I love and venerate that old wall as the Moslems love + their holiest mosque, but I regard it also as something which actually + protects me; as something which conserves my life and prolongs my youth. I + would not suffer any one to change it in the least, and should it be + demolished I would feel as if the very supports under my life were + insecure. May it not be because certain things persist, and are known to + us throughout our lives, that we borrow from thence delusions in regard to + our own stability and our own continuance. Seeing that they abide we + suppose that we cannot change nor cease to be. + </p> + <p> + Personally I cannot explain these sentiments of mine in any other way than + to regard them as some sort of fetich worship. + </p> + <p> + And when I consider that those stones are very like other stones, that + they have been brought from I know not where, by whom I care not, to be + built into a wall by workmen who lived and died a century before I was + even thought of, I realize the childishness of the illusion, which I + indulge in spite of myself, that it can extend any sort of spiritual + protection to me; I comprehend only too well what a frail and unstable + base has that that symbolizes for me the permanency of life. + </p> + <p> + Those who have never had a permanent home, but who have from infancy been + taken from place to place, living in lodgings meantime, may not be able to + appreciate these sentiments. + </p> + <p> + But among those who have daily gathered about the same hearthstone, there + are, I am sure, many who, without confessing it, are susceptible in + varying degrees to impressions of this sort. And do not such people often, + because of an old stone wall, a garden known and loved since childhood, an + old terrace which has become in indestructible part of their memory, or an + old tree that has not changed form within their lives, seek a warrant for + their own hope of immortality? + </p> + <p> + And doubtless, alas! before their birth these objects lent the same + delusive countenance to others, to those unknown now turned to dust and + gone to nothingness, who may not even have been of their blood and race. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0020" id="link2HCH0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XX. + </h2> + <p> + It was about the middle of the summer, after my severe illness, that I + went to the Island for a long visit. I was taken there by my brother and + my sister, the latter was like a second mother to me. After a sojourn of + several weeks with our relatives at St. Pierre Oleron (my good Aunt Claire + and her two old unmarried daughters) we went alone, we three, to a fishing + village upon the Long-Beach, which at that time was entirely off the line + of travel. The Long-Beach is that portion of the Island commanding a view + of the ocean over which the west winds blow ceaselessly. Upon this coast, + which extends without a curve straight and seemingly limitless, with the + majestic sweep of the desert of Sahara, the waves roll and break with a + mighty noise. Here there are to be seen many uneven waste spaces; it is a + region of sand where stunted trees and dwarfish evergreen oaks shelter + themselves behind the dunes. A curious kind of wild flower, a pink and + fragrant carnation, blooms there profusely all summer long. Two or three + villages, composed of humble little cottages, whitewashed like the + bungalows of Algeria, break the loneliness of this region. These homes + have planted about them such flowers as can best resist the sea-winds. + Dark skinned fishermen and their families, a hardy honest people, still + very primitive at the time of which I write, live here; even sea-bathers + had not found their way to these shores. + </p> + <p> + In an old forgotten copy-book where my sister had written down (in a + stilted manner) the impressions of that summer I find this description of + our lodgings. + </p> + <p> + “We dwell in the centre of the village, in the square, at the Mayor's + house. + </p> + <p> + “This house has two ells, which are spacious beyond measure. + </p> + <p> + “Its dazzling whitewashed surfaces sparkle in the sun, its window shutters + are fastened with large iron hooks and painted a dark green as is the + custom here. The flower bed that is planted in the form of a wreath all + around the house grows vigorously in the sand. The day-lilies, one + surpassing the other in beauty, open their yellow, pink and red blossoms, + and the mignonette beds which at noon-time are fully abloom waft on the + air an odor that is sweet as the scent of orange blossoms. + </p> + <p> + “Opposite us a little path hollowed out of the sand descends rapidly to + the edge of the sea.” + </p> + <p> + My first really intimate acquaintance with the sea-wrack, crabs, + sea-nettles, jelly-fish, and the thousand and one other small creatures + that inhabit the ocean, dates from this visit to the Long-Beach. + </p> + <p> + And during this same summer I fell in love for the first time—my + beloved was a little village girl. But here, so that the story may be + related more accurately, I will allow my sister, through the medium of the + old copy-book, to speak again—I merely copy: + </p> + <p> + “Dozens of the children (fishermen's boys and girls), tanned and brown and + with little legs all bare, followed Pierre, or audaciously hurried before + him, and from time to time turned and looked at him wonderingly with their + beautiful dark eyes. At that time a little gentleman was a rare enough + spectacle in that part of the country to be worth the trouble of running + after. + </p> + <p> + “Every day Pierre, accompanied by this crowd, would descend to the beach + by means of the little footpath scooped out of the sand. There he would + run and pick up the shells that, upon that coast, are so exquisitely + beautiful. They are yellow, pink, purple and many other bright colors, and + they have the most delicate and varied forms. Pierre admired them greatly, + and the little ones who always followed him would silently offer him hands + full. + </p> + <p> + “Veronica was the most attentive of all. She was about his own age, + perhaps a little younger, six or seven years of age. She had a sweet, + dreamy little face, a rather pale complexion and lovely gray eyes. She was + protected from the heat by a large white sunbonnet; a kichenote, as they + call it in that part of the country, is a very old word, and means a large + bonnet made of linen and cardboard, which projects over the face like the + head-dress of a nun. Veronica would slip near Pierre, take possession of + his hand, and keep it in hers. Thus they walked along contentedly without + saying a word. They stopped from time to time to kiss each other. 'I wish + to kiss you,' Veronica would say, and as she did so she embraced him + tenderly with her little arms. Then after Pierre had allowed her the + caress he would, in his turn, kiss her vehemently on her pretty, little, + plump cheeks. . . .” + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + “Little Veronica used to run and seat herself upon our doorstep as soon as + she was up; and there she remained like a faithful, loyal spaniel. As soon + as Pierre woke he thought of her being there, and he would immediately get + out of bed, have himself quickly washed, and stand quietly to have his + blond curls combed out, and then run to find his little friend. They + embraced each other and prattled of the events of the day before; + sometimes Veronica, before coming to our house to wait for Pierre, made a + trip to the seashore and gathered an apron full of the beautiful shells as + a love offering to her sweetheart. + </p> + <p> + “One day, at about the end of August, after a long reverie, during which + Pierre had perhaps weighed and considered the difficult question of the + social difference between them, he said; 'Veronica you and I must get + married some day; I will ask permission of my parents when the time + comes.'” + </p> + <p> + Then my sister speaks of our departure: + </p> + <p> + “Upon the 15th of September it was necessary for us to leave the village. + Pierre had made a collection of shells, sea-weeds, star-fish and pebbles; + he was insatiable and wished to carry all of them away with him, and with + Veronica's aid he packed a great many into his boxes. + </p> + <p> + “One morning a large carriage arrived at St. Pierre to take us away. The + peace of the village was broken by the noise of the little bells and the + cracking of the driver's whip. Pierre with the greatest care placed his + own packets into the carriage and then we three quickly took our places. + With eyes full of sadness Pierre gazed out of the carriage window towards + the sandy path that led down to the beach—and at his little friend + who stood there weeping.” + </p> + <p> + In conclusion I will copy word for word the reflection found at the end of + the faded book which was written down by my sister during that same + summer. + </p> + <p> + “Then, and not for the first time, I fell into an uneasy reverie that had + to do with Pierre, and I asked myself: 'What will become of the little + boy? And what will become of his little friend whose figure we could still + see outlined at the now far distant end of the road. How much despair does + that little heart feel; how much anguish at being thus abandoned?'” + </p> + <p> + “What will become of that boy?” Alas! what indeed! His whole life was to + be similar to that summer of his childhood. To know the sorrow of many + farewells; to desire to take with me a thousand trifles of no appreciable + value, to hunger to have about me a world of beloved souvenirs,—but + especially to say good bye to wild little creatures (loved perhaps just + because they were ingenuous children of nature),—these things were + to make up the sum of my life. + </p> + <p> + The two or three days' journey home (broken into by a visit to our old + aunts) seemed to me very nearly endless. My impatience to see and embrace + mamma kept me from sleeping. I had not seen her for almost two months! My + sister was the only person in the world who, at that time, could have made + such a long separation from my mamma endurable to me. + </p> + <p> + We reached the continent safely, and after a three-hours ride in the + carriage that we found awaiting us at the boat-landing, we passed through + the ramparts of our town. Ah! at last I saw my mother; I once more saw her + dear face and sweet smile.—And now at this distant time I find that + one of my clearest and most persistent memories is her beloved and still + youthful face and her beautiful dark hair. + </p> + <p> + When we arrived at the house I ran to visit my little lake and its + grottoes, and I hurried to the arbor that grew against the old wall. But + my eyes had become so accustomed to the immensity of the sandy beach and + the ocean that all of these things appeared shrunken, diminished, + walled-in and mean. The leaves were turning yellow, and although it was + still warm there was a promise of early autumn in the air. With fear and + dread I thought of the dull and cold days which would soon be upon us; and + when, with a heavy heart, I began to unpack my boxes of sea-weed and + shells, I was overcome with grief because I was not still upon the Island. + I felt disquieted too about Veronica who would have to be there without me + during the winter, and suddenly my eyes overflowed with tears at the + thought that I might never again hold her dear little sun-burned hands in + mine. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0021" id="link2HCH0021"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXI. + </h2> + <p> + The time now arrived for me to begin regular lessons and to write + exercises in copy-books, which I invariably smeared with ink—ah! + what gloom and dreariness suddenly came into my life. + </p> + <p> + I remember that I performed my tasks spiritlessly and sulkily, and that my + lessons bored me inexpressibly. And since I wish to be very sincere, it is + necessary for me to add that my teachers also were well-nigh intolerable + to me. + </p> + <p> + Alas! well do I remember the one who first taught me Latin (rosa, the + rose; cornu, the horn; tonitru, the thunder). This tutor was very old and + bent, and as sad of face as a rainy November day. He is dead now, the poor + old fellow—sweet peace to his soul! He was exactly like that “Mr. + Ratin” hit off in caricature so neatly by Topffer; he had all the marks, + even to the wart with the three hairs, and fine wrinkles beyond number at + the end of his old nose; to me his face was the personification of all + that was hideous and disgusting. + </p> + <p> + He arrived every day precisely at noon; and a chill would pass through me + when I heard his knock which I would have recognized among a thousand. + </p> + <p> + Always after his departure, I attempted to purify that part of my table + where his elbow had rested by rubbing it hard with the napkin which I had + taken clandestinely from the linen-closet. And the repulsion extended + itself to the very books, already unattractive enough to me, which he + touched; I even tore certain leaves out of them because I suspected that + he had handled them a great deal. + </p> + <p> + My books were always full of ink blots, always stained and covered with + smeared sketches and pictures, which one draws idly when his attention + wanders from his task. I who was usually so careful and proper a child had + such a detestation for the books which I was obliged to learn from, that I + abused them in the commonest fashion; altogether I was a miserable pupil. + I found—and this is the astonishing part—that all my scruples + of conscience deserted me when my teacher questioned me in regard to the + time I had spent upon my lessons (I usually studied them in a mad hurry at + the last moment); my aversion for study was the first thing that caused me + to temporize with my conscience. + </p> + <p> + In spite, however, of a pricking conscience, I still continued to give + only a passing glance at my lessons at the very last moment. But generally + “Mr. Ratin” would write “good” or “very good” upon the paper which it was + my duty each evening to show to my father. + </p> + <p> + I believe that if he, or the other professors who succeeded him, could + have suspected the truth, could have guessed that out of their presence my + mind did not dwell for more than five minutes a day upon what they had + taught me, their honest heads would have split with indignation. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0022" id="link2HCH0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXII. + </h2> + <p> + During the course of the winter which followed my visit to the Long-Beach + a great change took place in our family—my brother departed for his + first campaign. + </p> + <p> + He was, as I have said, about fourteen years older than I. I had had very + little time to become acquainted with him, to attach myself to him, for + his preparation for his vocation made it necessary for him to be away from + home a great deal. I scarcely ever went into his room where, scattered + upon the table, there was an appalling number of large books. This room + was pervaded with the strong odor of tobacco; and I dared not go near it + for fear that I would meet his comrades, young officers, or students like + himself. I had heard, also, that he was not always well-behaved, that + sometimes he did not come in until very late at night, and that often my + father had found it necessary to give him a serious talking to; secretly I + greatly disapproved of his conduct. + </p> + <p> + But his approaching departure strengthened my affection, and caused me + extreme sorrow. + </p> + <p> + He was going to Polynesia, to Tahiti, almost to the end of the world, and + he expected to be away four years. To me that seemed an almost endless + absence, for it represented half of my own age. + </p> + <p> + I watched, with the greatest interest, the preparations that he made for + his voyage. The iron-bound trunks were packed with care. He wrapped the + gilt-embroidered uniform and his sword in a quantity of tissue paper, and + put them away with the same care one bestows upon a mummy when it is + relaid in its metal case. All of these things augmented the impression + that I had of the distance and dangers of the long voyage about to be + undertaken by my brother. + </p> + <p> + A sort of melancholy rested upon every one in the house, which became + deeper and more and more noticeable as the day for the separation drew + near. At our meals we were more silent; advice from my father and + assurances from my brother was the substance of most of the conversations, + and I listened meditatively without saying a word. + </p> + <p> + The day before my brother left he confided to my care—and I was + greatly honored to have him do so—the many fragile little things + that he had upon his mantel-piece; these he bade me guard faithfully until + his return. + </p> + <p> + He then made me a present of a handsome gilt edged, illustrated book + entitled, “A Voyage in Polynesia.” It was the only book that in my early + childhood I had an affection for, and I constantly turned its pages with + eager pleasure. In the front of it there was an engraving of a very pretty + dark woman who, crowned with reeds, was sitting gracefully under a palm + tree. Under this picture was printed: “Portrait of her Majesty, Pomare + IV., Queen of Tahiti.” Further over in the book there was a picture of two + beautiful maidens, with naked shoulders and crowned heads, standing at the + edge of the sea, and this was entitled: “Two Young Tahitian Girls upon the + Beach.” + </p> + <p> + Upon the day of my brother's departure, at the last hour, the preparations + being over, and the large trunks closed and locked, we gathered in the + parlor as solemnly as if we had come together for a funeral. A chapter of + the Bible was read and then we had family prayers. . . . Four years! and + during that time the width of the earth between us and our loved one! + </p> + <p> + I recall particularly my mother's face during the farewell scene; she was + seated in an arm chair beside my brother. After the prayer she had upon + her face an infinitely sweet, but wistful smile, and an expression of + submissive trust; but suddenly an unexpected change came over her + features, and in spite of her efforts at self-control her tears flowed. I + had never before seen my mother weep, and it caused me the greatest + anguish. + </p> + <p> + The first few days after his departure I had a feeling of sadness, and I + missed him greatly; often and often I went into his room, and the little + treasures which he had confided to my care were as sacred as holy relics. + </p> + <p> + Upon a map of the world I had my parents point out to me the route of his + journey, a journey which would take about five months. To me his return + belonged to an inconceivable and unreal future; and, most strange of all, + what spoiled for me the pleasure of his home-coming, was that I at that + time would be twelve or thirteen years of age—almost a big boy in + fact. + </p> + <p> + Unlike most other children,—especially unlike those of to-day—who + are eager to become men and women as speedily as possible, I had a terror + of growing up, which became more and more accentuated as I grew older. I + argued about it to myself, and I wrote about it, and when any one asked me + why I had such a feeling I answered, since I could not think of a better + reason: “It seems to me that it will be very wearisome to be a man.” I + believe that it is an extremely singular state of mind, an altogether + unique one perhaps, this shrinking away from life at its very beginning; I + was not able to see a horizon before me: I could not picture my future to + myself as so many can; before me there was nothing but impenetrable + darkness, a great leaden curtain shut off my view. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0023" id="link2HCH0023"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIII. + </h2> + <p> + “Cakes, cakes, my good hot cakes!” Thus, in a plaintive voice, sang the + old woman peddler who regularly, upon winter evenings, during the first + ten or twelve years of my life, passed under our window.—When I + think of those bygone days I hear again her insistent refrain. + </p> + <p> + It is with the memory of Sundays that the song of the “good hot cakes” is + most closely associated; for upon that evening, having no duties to + perform in the way of lessons, I sat with my parents in the parlor upon + the ground floor which overlooked the street; therefore, when almost upon + the stroke of nine, the poor old woman passed along the sidewalk, and her + sonorous chant broke into the stillness of the frosty night I was near + enough to hear her distinctly. + </p> + <p> + She presaged the coming of cold weather as swallows announce the advent of + the spring. After a succession of cool autumnal days, the first time we + heard her song we would say: “Well, we may conclude that winter is really + here.” + </p> + <p> + This parlor where we sat together seemed a very immense room to me. It was + simply and tastefully furnished and arranged: the walls and the woodwork + were brown, decorated with strips of gold: the furniture, dating from the + time of Louis Philippe, was upholstered in red velvet; the family + portraits were in severe black and gold frames; in the centre of the + table, in the place of honor, there was a large Bible that had been + printed in the sixteenth century. This was a precious heirloom that had + come down to us from our Huguenot ancestors who had, at that time, been + persecuted for their faith. We had baskets and vases of flowers disposed + about the room, a custom which then was not so usual as it is now. + </p> + <p> + It was always a delicious moment for me when we left the dining-room and + went into the parlor, for the latter room had an air of great peace and + comfort; and when all the family were seated there in a circle, mother, + grandmother and aunts, I began to skip about noisily in their midst from + very joy at being surrounded by so many loved ones; and I waited + impatiently for them to begin the little games which they were in the + habit of playing with me early in the evening. Our neighbors, the D——'s, + came to see us every Sunday; it was a time-honored custom in our two + families, between whom there existed a friendship that had its inception + in the country generations before our time; it was a friendship which had + been handed down to us as a precious heritage. At about eight o'clock, + when I recognized their ring, I jumped for joy, and I could not restrain + myself from running to the street door to meet them, for Lucette, my dear + friend, always came with her parents. + </p> + <p> + Alas! how sad is my reverie when I think of the beloved and venerated + forms of those who surrounded me upon those happy Sunday evenings; the + majority of them have passed away, and their faces, when I seek to recall + them, are dim and misty—some are altogether lost from memory. + </p> + <p> + Then friends and relatives would begin to play, for the purpose of giving + me pleasure, the little games of which I was so fond; they played + “Marriage,” “My Lady's Toilet,” “The Horned Knight,” and “The Lovely + Shepherdess.” Everybody took part in them, even the old people, and my + grand aunt Bertha, the eldest of all, was irresistibly droll. + </p> + <p> + The refrain became louder rapidly, for the singer trotted along with + short, quick steps, and very soon she was under our window, where she kept + repeating her song in a shrill, cracked voice. + </p> + <p> + When they would allow me to do so, it was my greatest pleasure to run to + the door, followed by an indulgent aunt, not so much for the purpose of + buying the cakes, however, for they were coarse and unpalatable, as to + stop the old woman and talk with her. + </p> + <p> + The poor old peddler would approach with a courtesy, proud of being + called, and standing with one foot upon the threshold she would present + her basket for our inspection. Her neat dress was set off by the white + linen sleeves that she always wore. While she uncovered her basket I would + look longingly, like a caged wild-bird, far down the cold and deserted + streets. + </p> + <p> + I liked to breathe in great draughts of the icy air, to look hastily into + the black night lying beyond the door, and then to run back into the warm + and comfortable parlor,—meantime, the monotonous refrain grew + fainter and fainter as it died away into the mean streets that lay close + to the ramparts and the harbor. The old woman's route was always the same, + and my thoughts followed her with a singular interest as long as the song + continued. + </p> + <p> + I felt a great pity for the poor old woman still wandering about in the + cold night, while we were snug and warm at home; but mingled with that + feeling there was another sentiment so confused and vague that I give it + too much importance, even though I touch upon it never so lightly. It was + this: I had a sort of restless curiosity to see those squalid streets + through which the old peddler went so bravely, and to which I had never + been taken. These streets, that I saw from the distance, were deserted in + the day time, but there in the evening, from time immemorial, sailors made + merry; sometimes the sound of their singing was so loud that we could hear + it as we sat in our parlor. + </p> + <p> + What could be going on there? What was the nature of that fun, the echo of + whose din we heard so distinctly? How did they amuse themselves, these + sailors, who had but newly come over the sea from distant countries where + the sun was always hot? What life was careless and simple and free as + theirs! + </p> + <p> + My emotions lose their force when I endeavor to interpret them, and my + words seem very inept. But I know that seeds of trouble, and seeds of hope + (to develop how I could not guess) were at about this time planted in my + little being. When, with my cakes in my hand, I re-entered the parlor + where the family sat talking together quietly, I felt for a quick, almost + inappreciable, moment suffocated and imprisoned. + </p> + <p> + At half-past nine, because of me seldom later, tea was served, and with it + we had thin slices of bread, spread with the most delicious butter, and + cut with the care one gives to very few things in these days. + </p> + <p> + Then at about eleven o'clock, after a reading from the Bible and a prayer, + we retired. + </p> + <p> + As I lay in my little white bed I was always more restless Sunday nights + than at any other time. Immediately ahead of me there was the prospect of + Mr. Ratin whom morning would surely bring, and he was always a most + painful sight to me after a respite; also I was full of regret because + Sunday was over, always over so quickly!—and I felt a great + weariness when I thought of the many lessons it would be necessary for me + to prepare before Sunday came again. Sometimes, as I lay there, I would + hear the songs the sailors sung as they passed in the distant lands and + noble ships; and a sort of dull and indefinite longing took possession of + me and I felt as if I would like to be out of doors myself in search of + pleasurable and exciting adventure. I hungered to be in the bracing wintry + night air, or in one of those foreign lands where the sun beats down with + tropical warmth; I yearned to be out and singing like them, as loud as + possible, just for the joy of being alive. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0024" id="link2HCH0024"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIV. + </h2> + <p> + “And I beheld, and heard an angel flying through the midst of heaven, + saying with a loud voice, Woe, woe, woe, to the inhabiters of the earth!” + </p> + <p> + Besides reading the Bible with the family every evening, I read a chapter + from it each morning before rising. + </p> + <p> + My Bible was a very small one, with exceedingly fine print. Pressed + between its pages were some flowers that I was very fond of; especially + was I of the spray of pink larkspur, which had the power of bringing very + distinctly before my mind's eye the stubble fields (gleux) of the Island + of Oleron where I had gathered it. + </p> + <p> + I do not know exactly how to explain the word gleux, but it means the + stubble which remains after the grain is harvested, and those fields of + short pale yellow stalks that the autumn sun dries and turns a bright + golden. In these fields upon the Island, overrun by chirping grasshoppers, + late corn-flowers and white and pink larkspur come up, grow very high, and + blossom. + </p> + <p> + And upon winter mornings, before beginning to read, I always looked at the + spray of flowers which still retained its delicate color, and there + appeared to me a vision of the Island, and I longed for the summer time + and for the warm and sunny fields of Oleron. + </p> + <p> + “And I beheld, and heard an angel flying through the midst of heaven, + saying with a loud voice, Woe, woe, woe, to the inhabiters of the earth! + </p> + <p> + “And the fifth angel sounded, and I saw a star fall from heaven upon the + earth; and to him was given the key of the bottomless pit.” + </p> + <p> + When I read my Bible for myself, having then my choice of passages, I + either selected that grand portion of Genesis wherein the light is + separated from the darkness, or the visions and the marvels of Revelation. + I was fascinated by its imaginative poetry, so splendid and yet so + terrible, which has, in my opinion, never been equalled in any other book + of mankind. . . . The beasts with seven heads, the signs in the heavens, + the sound of the last trumpet were well-known terrors that haunted and + enchanted my imagination. + </p> + <p> + In a book, a relic of my Huguenot ancestors, printed in the last century, + I had seen pictures of these things. It was a “History of the Bible,” and + the weird pictures illustrating the visions of the Book of Revelation, + invariably, had dark backgrounds. My maternal grandmother kept this + precious book, which she had brought from the Island, under lock and key + in a cupboard in her room; and as it was still my habit to go there at the + sad hour of dusk, it was then that I usually asked her to lend me the + book, so that I might turn over its leaves as it lay upon her lap. In the + dim twilight until it was too dark to see, I gazed at the multitude of + winged angels who were flying rapidly under the curtain of blackness which + presaged the end of the world. The heavens were darker than the earth, and + in the midst of the great cloud masses, there was visible the simple and + terrifying triangle that signified Jehovah. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0025" id="link2HCH0025"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXV. + </h2> + <p> + Egypt, the Egypt of antiquity, at a later time, exercised a mysterious + fascination over me. I recognized a picture of it immediately, without + hesitation and astonishment, in an illustrated magazine. I saluted as old + acquaintances two gods with hawk heads that were cut in profile upon a + stone and placed at each end of a strangely depicted Zodiac, and although + I saw the picture for the first time upon an overcast day, there came to + me, and of that I am sure, a sudden impression of great heat given out by + a pitiless sun. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0026" id="link2HCH0026"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVI. + </h2> + <p> + During the winter following the departure of my brother, I passed many of + my leisure hours in his room painting the pictures in the “Voyage to + Polynesia” which he had given me. With great care I first colored the + flowers and the groups of birds. After that I painted the men. When I came + to color the two young Tahitian girls who were standing at the edge of the + sea (the illustrator had been inspired to depict them as nymphs) I made + them white, all white and pink like a pretty little doll—I thought + them very beautiful done so. + </p> + <p> + It was reserved for me to learn later than their color is different, and + their charms quite otherwise. + </p> + <p> + My ideas of beauty have changed a great deal since that time, and it would + have astonished me very much if I had then been told what faces I was to + find most charming in the strange course of my later life. But almost all + children are under the dominion of some fancy which dies out when they + become men and women. + </p> + <p> + The majority of people, during the period of their innocence and youth, + similarly admire the same type; sweet, regular features, and the fresh + pink and white tints. Only at a later time does their estimate of what + constitutes beauty vary, then it accords with the culture of their spirit, + and especially does it follow in the wake of their developing + intelligence. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0027" id="link2HCH0027"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVII. + </h2> + <p> + I do not exactly remember at what period I started my museum which + absorbed so much of my time. Just above my Aunt Bertha's room there was a + tiny garret-chamber that I had taken possession of; the chief charm of the + place was the window that opened to the west, and commanded a view of the + ramparts and its old trees. The reddish spots in the distance, that broke + the uniform green of the meadows, were herds of wandering oxen and cows. I + had persuaded my mother to paper this attic room, and she had covered its + walls with a pinkish chamois paper which is still there; she also put a + what-not and some glass cases there. In these latter I placed my + butterflies which I looked upon as rare specimens; I also arranged therein + the birds'-nests that I had found in the woods of Limoise; the shells I + had gathered upon the shores of the Island, and those others (brought from + the colonies at an early time by unknown ancestors) that I had found in + the garret at the bottom of old chests where they had lain for years and + years, given over to dust and darkness. + </p> + <p> + I spent many tranquil hours in this retreat contemplating the tropical + mother-of-pearl shells, and trying to image to myself the strange coasts + from which they had come. + </p> + <p> + A good old great uncle of mine, who was very fond of me, encouraged me in + these diversions. He was a physician, and in his youth he had lived for a + long time upon the coast of Africa; he had a collection of natural history + specimens almost as valuable and varied as any found in a city museum. His + wonderful things captivated me: the rare and exquisite shells, amulets and + wooden weapons that still retained their exotic odor, with which I became + so surfeited later, and indescribably beautiful butterflies under glass + enchanted me. + </p> + <p> + He lived in our neighborhood and I visited him often. To get to his + cabinets, it was necessary to go through his garden where thorn-apples and + cacti grew abundantly, and where they kept a gray parrot, brought from + Gaboon, whose vocabulary consisted of words learnt from the negroes. + </p> + <p> + And when my old uncle spoke of Senegal, of Goree, and of Guinea, the music + of these names intoxicated me, and conveyed to me vaguely something of the + sad languor of the dark continent. My uncle predicted that I would become + a great naturalist,—but he was as mistaken as were all those others + who foretold my future; indeed he struck farther from the centre than any + one else; he did not understand that my liking for natural history was no + more than a temporary and erratic excursion of my unformed mind; he could + not know that the cold glass and the formal, rigid arrangements of dead + science had not power to hold me for long. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0028" id="link2HCH0028"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVIII. + </h2> + <p> + In the meantime, alas! I had to spend many long and wearisome hours in + going through the form of studying my lessons. + </p> + <p> + Topffer, who is the only real poet of school-boys, that genus so + misunderstood, divides us into three groups: first, those who are in + boarding schools; second, those who do all their studying at home at a + window which overlooks a gloomy courtyard containing a twisted old fig + tree; third, those who also study at home in a bright little room whose + window commands a view of the street. + </p> + <p> + I belonged to that third class whom Topffer considers extraordinarily + privileged, and as likely, in consequence, to grow up into happy men. My + room was upon the first floor, and it opened into the street; it had white + curtains, and its green paper was embellished with bouquets of white + roses. Near the window was my work desk, and above it, upon a book-shelf, + was my very much neglected library. + </p> + <p> + In fine weather I always opened this window, but I kept my venetian blinds + half-closed, so that I might look out without having my idleness seen, and + reported by a meddlesome neighbor. Morning and evening I glanced to the + end of the quiet street that stretched its sunny length between the white + country houses and lost itself among the old trees growing beyond the + ramparts. I could see from there the occasional passers-by, all well known + to me, the neighborhood cats that prowled within doorways or upon + house-tops, the swifts darting about in the warm air, and the swallows + skimming along the dusty street. . . . Oh! how many hours have I spent at + that window feeling like a caged sparrow, my spirit filled with vague + reverie; and meantime my ink-blotted copy-book lay open before me, but no + inspiration would come, and the composition that I was engaged upon got + itself finished very laboriously,—often not at all. + </p> + <p> + And before long I began to play tricks upon the pedestrians, a fatal + result of my idleness over which I often felt remorseful. + </p> + <p> + I am bound to confess that my great friend Lucette was usually a willing + assistant in these pranks. Although now almost a young lady sixteen or + seventeen years of age, she was at times almost as much of a child as I. + “You must never tell any one!” she would say with an irrepressible smile + of mischief in her merry eyes (but I may tell now after so many years have + passed, now that the flowers of twenty summers have bloomed upon her + grave). + </p> + <p> + Our pranks consisted of taking cherry stems, plum stones and any sort of + trash, and wrapping them neatly into white or pink paper parcels that + looked very attractive to the eye; we then threw these bundles into the + street and hid ourselves behind the shutters to see who picked them up. + </p> + <p> + Sometimes we would write letters, impertinent or incoherent ones, with + accompanying drawings to illustrate the text; these we addressed to the + different eccentric people in our neighborhood, and, with the aid of a + thread, we lowered them to the sidewalk at about the same time these + persons were in the habit of passing. . . . + </p> + <p> + Oh! how merrily we laughed as we composed these hodge-podges of style! + With no one else have I ever laughed so heartily as with Lucette,—and + we usually roared over things that no one except ourselves could possibly + have considered funny. Over and above the bond of little brother and grown + sister there was between us a sympathy springing from our appreciation of + the ridiculous, and our notions of what constituted fun were in complete + accord. She was the sprightliest person I ever knew, and sometimes a + single word would start us to laughing at our own or our neighbors' + expense, until our sides ached and we almost fell upon the floor. + </p> + <p> + This part of my nature was not, I must confess, in harmony with the gloomy + reveries evoked by the pictures of the Book of Revelation, and with my + ascetic religious convictions. But I was already full of strange + contradictions. + </p> + <p> + Poor little Lucette or Lucon (Lucon was the masculine for Lucette, and I + used to call her “My dear Lucon”); poor little Lucette was also one of my + professors, but one who caused me neither fear nor disgust. Like “Mr. + Ratin” she also kept a book wherein she would inscribe “good” or “very + good,” and I showed it to my parents every evening. Until now I have + neglected to say that it had been one of her amusements to teach me to + play upon the piano; she taught me by stealth so that I might surprise my + parents by playing for them, upon the occasion of a family celebration, + the “Little Swiss Boy” or the “Rocks of St. Malo.” The result was she had + been requested to go on with lessons that had had such a favorable + beginning, and my musical education was entrusted to her until it came + time for me to play the music of Chopin and Liszt. + </p> + <p> + Painting and music were the only things I worked at industriously and + faithfully. + </p> + <p> + My sister taught me painting; I do not, however, remember when I commenced + it, but it must have been very early in my life; it seems to me that there + was never a time when I was not able, with my pencil or my brush, to + express in some measure the odd fancies of my imaginations. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0029" id="link2HCH0029"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIX. + </h2> + <p> + In my grandmother's room, at the bottom of the cupboard where she kept + “The History of the Bible,” with the terrible pictures illustrating the + visions of Revelation, she had also several other precious relics. In + particular there was an old silver-clasped psalm book. It was extremely + tiny, like a toy-book, and in its day it must have been a marvel of the + printer's skill. It had been made in miniature thus they told me, so that + it could be easily hidden; at the time of the persecutions our ancestors + had often carried it about with them, concealed in their clothing. There + was also, in a paste-board box, a bundle of letters written on parchment + and marked Leyden or Amsterdam. Those written between the years 1702 and + 1710 were secured by a large wax seal stamped with a count's coronet. + </p> + <p> + They were letters of our Huguenot ancestors, who, at the revocation of the + Edict of Nantes, had quitted their country, their home and their dear + ones, rather than abjure their faith. The letters had been written to an + old grandfather, a man too aged to go the way of the exile, who was able, + for some inexplicable reason, to remain unmolested in his retreat upon the + Island of Oleron. The letters testified to the fact that the exiles had + been submissive and respectful towards him to a degree unknown in our day; + the wanderers wrote asking his advice or his consent before undertaking + anything,—they even asked whether they might wear a certain wig + which was fashionable in Amsterdam at that time. They spoke of their + troubles, but without murmuring over them, with a truly Christian + resignation; their goods had been confiscated; they were obliged to follow + uncongenial trades in order to maintain themselves; and they hoped, they + said, with the aid of God always to make enough to keep their children + from starving. + </p> + <p> + Together with the respect that these letters inspired, they had also the + charm of age; it was a novel experience to enter into the life of a bygone + time, to know the inmost thoughts of those who had lived a century and a + half before me. And as I read them I was filled with indignation against + the Roman Church and Papal Rome, sovereign during the many past centuries.—Surely + it was she who was designated, in my opinion at any rate, in that + wonderful prophecy contained in Revelation: “And the beast is a City, and + its seven heads are Seven Hills on which the woman sitteth.” + </p> + <p> + My grandmother, always so austere and upright looking in her black + clothes, a type of a Huguenot woman, had been fearful for her own safety + during the Restoration, and although she never spoke of it, we felt that + she must have very depressing memories of that time. + </p> + <p> + And upon the Island, in the shade of a bit of woodland that was encircled + by a wall, I had seen the place where slept those of my ancestors who had + been excluded from the cemeteries because they had died in the Protestant + faith. + </p> + <p> + How could I be anything but faithful with such a past? And it is certain + that had the Inquisition been revived in my childhood, I would have + suffered martyrdom joyfully, like one filled to overflowing with the + spirit of God. + </p> + <p> + My faith was a faith that kept watch upon the theological errors of the + time, and I did not know the resignation felt by my ancestors; in spite of + my distaste for reading I often plunged into books of religious + controversy; I knew by heart the many passages from the Fathers and the + decisions of the first councils; I could have discussed the dogmas of the + church like a doctor of divinity, and I considered my arguments against + the papacy very shrewd. + </p> + <p> + But notwithstanding my fervor a distaste for all of these religious things + would often take possession of me; sometimes at church especially where + the gray light fell upon me and chilled me I felt it most. The awful + tediousness of some of the Sunday sermons; the emptiness of the prayers, + written in advance and spoken with conventional unctuous voice, and + gestures to suit; and the apathy of the people who, dressed out in their + best, came to listen,—how early I divined its hollowness,—and + how deep was my disappointment, and how cruel the disillusionment—oh! + the disheartening formalism of it all! The very appearance of the church + disconcerted me: it was a new cityfied one, meant to be pretty without, + however, meaning to be too much so; I especially recall certain little + efforts at wall decoration which I held in the greatest abomination, and + shuddered when I looked at. It was that disgust in little which I + experienced in so great a degree when later I attended those Paris + churches that strive so for elegance, where one is met at the door by + ushers whose shoulders are tricked out with knots of ribbon. . . . Oh! for + the congregation of Cevennes! Oh! for the preachers of the wilderness! + </p> + <p> + Such little things as I have mentioned did not shake my faith which seemed + as solid as a house built upon a rock; but doubtless they made the first + imperceptible crevice through which, drop by drop, oozed the melting + ice-cold water. + </p> + <p> + Where I still knew true meditation, and felt the deep sweet peace one + should feel in the house of God was in an old church in the village of St. + Pierre Oleron; my great grandfather Samuel had, at the time of the + persecutions, worshipped and prayed there, and my mother had also attended + it during her girlhood days. . . . I also loved those little country + churches to which we sometimes went on Sunday in the summer time: they + were generally old and had simple whitewashed walls. They were built any + where and every where, in a corner of a wheat field with wild flowers + growing all about them; or in more retired places, in the centre of some + enclosure at the far end of an avenue of old trees. The Catholics have + nothing, in my opinion, which surpasses in religious charm these humble + little sanctuaries of our Protestant ancestors—not even do their + most exquisite stone chapels hidden away in the depth of the Breton woods, + that at a later time I learned to admire so much, touch me so deeply. + </p> + <p> + I still held fast to my determination to become a minister; it still + seemed to me that that was my duty. I had pledged myself, in my prayers I + had given my word to God. How could I therefore break my vow? + </p> + <p> + But when my young mind busied itself with thoughts of the future, more and + more veiled from me by an impenetrable darkness, my preference was for a + church which should be a little isolated from the noisy world, for one + where the faith of my congregation should ever remain simple, for one + receiving its consecration from a long past of prayers and sincerest + worship. + </p> + <p> + It would be in the Island of Oleron perhaps! + </p> + <p> + Yes; there, surrounded upon every side by the memories of my Huguenot + ancestors, I could look forward without dread, indeed with much + contentment, to a life dedicated to the service of the Lord. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0030" id="link2HCH0030"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXX. + </h2> + <p> + My brother had arrived at the Delightful Island. His first letter dated + from there was a very long one, it was written on thin paper that had been + stained a light yellow by the sea, for it had been upon its way four + months. + </p> + <p> + It was a great event in our family, and I still recall that as my father + and mother broke its seal, I sprang joyously up the stairs, two steps at a + time, in my haste to reach the second floor and call my grandmother and + aunts from their rooms. + </p> + <p> + Inside the plump-feeling envelope, which was covered over with South + American stamps, there was a note for me, and enclosed in this I found a + pressed flower, a sort of five-petalled star which, though somewhat faded, + was still pink. The flower, my brother wrote, was from a shrub that had + taken root and blossomed beside his window, almost within his Tahitian + hut, which was actually invaded by the luxuriant vegetation of the region. + Oh! with what deep emotion;—with what avidity, if I may express it + thus, did I gaze at and touch the periwinkle which was almost a fresh and + living part of that unknown and distant land, of that voluptuous nature. + </p> + <p> + Then I pressed it again with so much care that I possess it intact to this + day. + </p> + <p> + And after many years, when I made a pilgrimage to the humble dwelling in + which my brother lived during his stay in Tahiti, I saw that the shady + garden surrounding it was rosy with these periwinkles; they had even + pushed their way over the threshold of the door to blossom within the + deserted cabin. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0031" id="link2HCH0031"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXI. + </h2> + <p> + After my ninth birthday my parents, for a time, spoke of putting me into + boarding-school, so that I might become habituated to the harder ways of + life, and since the matter was talked over by all the members of the + family, I went about for several days feeling as if I were on the eve of + being sent to prison, for I imagined that a boarding-school had high walls + and windows guarded by iron bars. + </p> + <p> + But, upon reflection, they considered that I was too frail and delicate a + human plant to be thrown in contact with those others of my kind who, in + all probability, would play roughly, and have bad manners; they concluded, + therefore, to keep me at home a little longer. + </p> + <p> + At any rate I was delivered from “Mr. Ratin.” The old professor, rotund of + figure and kind of manner, who succeeded him, was less distasteful to me, + but I made just as little progress under his care. In the afternoon, at + about the time for his arrival, I would hastily begin to prepare my + lessons. I was then usually to be found at my window, hidden behind the + venetian blinds, with my book open at the page containing the lesson; and + when I saw him come into view at the turning near the bottom of the street + I commenced to study it. + </p> + <p> + And generally by the time he arrived I knew enough to receive, if not to + merit, a “pretty good,” a mark over which I did not grumble. + </p> + <p> + I had also my English professor who came to me every morning,—and + whom I nicknamed Aristogiton (I do not now recall why). Following the + Robertson method, he had me paraphrase the history of Sultan Mahmoud. + Outside of that, the only thing that I am sure of is that I accomplished + nothing, absolutely nothing, less than nothing; but he had the good taste + not to growl at me, and in consequence I have an almost affectionate + remembrance of him. + </p> + <p> + During the extreme heat of the summer days it was my custom to study in + the yard; I took my ink-stained copy and lesson books and spread them upon + a table that stood in the summer house made shady by the vines and + honeysuckles that grew over it. And when I was nicely settled there I felt + that I might idle to my heart's content. From behind the lattice-work, + green with trellised vines, I kept a lookout in order to see any danger + that threatened in the distance. . . . I was always careful to bring with + me to this retreat a quantity of cherries and grapes, whichever happened + to be in season, and truly I could have passed there hours of the most + delicious reverie but for the remorse that tormented me almost every + moment, a remorse born of the fact that I was not busying myself with my + lessons. + </p> + <p> + Through the foliage I saw, close to me, the cool-looking pond with its + tiny grottoes which, since my brother's departure, I almost worshipped. + The little fountain in the centre stirred the waters and made the sunlight + that fell on its surface dance joyously; and the sun's rays pierced the + green verdure surrounding me—I seemed to be in the midst of luminous + water that quivered all about me with a ceaseless motion. + </p> + <p> + My arbor was a shady little retreat that gave me a complete illusion of + country; from the far side of the old wall came the song of the tropical + birds belonging to Antoinette's mother, and I heard the rollicking warble + and twitter of the swallows perched on the house-top, and the chirp of the + common sparrows as they flew about among the trees in the garden. + </p> + <p> + Sometimes I would throw myself face-upward full length upon the green + bench that was there, and through the tasselled honeysuckle I had a view + of the white clouds as they sailed across the blue of the sky. There, too, + I was initiated into the habits of the mosquitos who all day long poised + themselves tremblingly, by means of their long legs, upon the leaves. And + often I concentrated all my attention upon the old wall where the insects + acted out their tragical drama: the cunning spider would come suddenly + from his nook and ensnare in his web the heedless little insects,—with + the aid of a straw, I was usually able to deliver them from their peril. + </p> + <p> + I have forgotten to mention that I had, for companion, an old cat called + Suprematie, who had been my faithful and beloved friend since infancy. + </p> + <p> + Suprematie knew at what hour he would find me there, and he used to slip + in quietly upon the tips of his velvet paws; he never stretched himself + beside me without first looking at me questioningly. + </p> + <p> + The poor creature was very homely; he was marked queerly upon only one + side of his body; moreover, in a cruel accident he had twisted his tail, + and it hung down at a right angle. He was the subject of Lucette's + continual mockery, for she had a lovely Angora cat that had usurped + Suprematie's place in her affections. It was my habit to run out to see + her when she came to inquire after the members of my family; she rarely + failed to add, with a funny air of concern, which made me burst out + laughing in spite of myself: “And your horror of a cat, is he in good + health, my dear?” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0032" id="link2HCH0032"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXII. + </h2> + <p> + During all this time my museum made great progress, and it soon became + necessary for me to have some new shelves put up. + </p> + <p> + My great uncle continued to take a very deep interest in my taste for + natural history, and among his shells he found a number of duplicates, and + these he presented to me. With indefatigable patience he taught me the + scientific classifications of Cuvier, Linne, Lamarck or Bruguieres, and I + was astonished at the attention with which I listened to him. + </p> + <p> + In a very old little desk, that was a part of the furniture of my museum, + I had a copy-book into which I copied, from uncle's notes, and numbered + with the greatest care, the name of the species, genus, family and class + of each shell,—also the place of its origin. And there by the dim + light that fell upon the desk, in the silence of that little retreat so + high above the street, surrounded with objects what had come from distant + corners of the earth and from the depths of the sea, when my mind + wandered, and I became fatigued because of the mysterious differences in + the forms of animals, and because of the infinite variety of shells, with + what emotion I wrote down in my book, opposite the name of a Spirifer or a + Terebratula, such enchanting words as these: “Eastern coast of Africa,” + “coast of Guinea,” “Indian Ocean.” + </p> + <p> + I recall that in this same museum I experienced, one afternoon in March, a + peculiar feeling indicative of my tendency towards reaction, that later, + at certain periods of self-abandonment, caused me to seek the rough and + uncouth society of sailors, and made me revel in noise and change and + gayety. + </p> + <p> + It was Mardi-Gras time. At sundown I had gone out with my father to see + the masqueraders who were in the streets; and having returned rather early + I went immediately to my attic-room to classify some shells. But the noise + of the revellers and the clashing of their tambourines reached even to the + retreat where I was occupying myself with scientific matters, and the + sounds awakened in me a feeling of inexpressible sadness. It was the same + emotion, greatly intensified, that I had when I listened, of winter + evenings, to the old cake vendor, and heard her voice die away into those + far-off squalid streets near the harbor. I experienced an unexpected + anguish very difficult to define in words. I had a vague impression, which + was the cause of my suffering, that I was imprisoned; and for the moment, + I thought that my liking for dry classifications and nature study shut me + away from the little boys of every age who were in the streets below + mingling with the sailors, more childish than they, who tricked out in + dreadful masks ran and frollicked and sang coarse songs. It goes without + saying that I had no desire to be one of them; the very idea of jostling + against them filled me with distaste, and I disdained their rude sport. + And I sincerely felt that it was better for me to be where I was, occupied + with putting the many-colored family of the Purpura and the twenty-three + varieties of the Gastropoda in order. + </p> + <p> + But nevertheless the gay and merry people in the street troubled me + strangely. And, as was usual with me when I felt distressed, I went down + to look for my mother for the purpose of begging her to come up to keep me + company. Astonished at my request (for I scarcely ever asked any one into + my den), astonished especially by my anxious manner, she said with an air + of pleasantry that it was silly for a boy of ten to be afraid to stay + alone; but she consented to return with me, and when there she seated + herself close to me and occupied herself with a piece of embroidery. Oh! + how reassuring was her sweet and darling presence! I returned to my task + without concerning myself further about the noise of the maskers, and as I + worked I glanced up now and again to look at her beautiful profile cut in + silhouette, because of the darkness without, upon my tiny window pane. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0033" id="link2HCH0033"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXIII. + </h2> + <p> + I am surprised that I cannot recall whether my desire to become a minister + transformed itself into a wish to lead the more militant life of + missionary, by a slow process or suddenly. + </p> + <p> + It seems to me that the change must have come at a very early period. For + a long time I had taken an interest in Protestant missions, especially in + those established in Southern Africa, among the Bassoutos. During my + childhood we subscribed for the “Messenger,” a monthly journal that had + for frontispiece an interesting picture which, very early in my life, made + a forcible impression upon me. + </p> + <p> + This picture held a higher place in my regard than those of which I have + already spoken, but by no means because of its execution, its color or + background. It represented an impossible pine tree growing at the edge of + a sea, behind which a resplendent sun was setting, and, at the foot of the + tree, there was a young savage who was watching the approach of a ship, + from a distant point upon the horizon, that was bringing to him the glad + tidings of Salvation. + </p> + <p> + Early in my life, when from the warm depths of my soft and downy nest, I + looked out upon a yet formless world, that picture evoked many dreams; + later when I was more capable of appreciating the extreme crudity of the + design, that huge sun, half-engulfed in the sea, and that tiny mission + boat sailing towards the unknown shores still had a very great charm for + me. + </p> + <p> + Now when they questioned me I replied: “I expect to be a missionary.” But + I spoke in a low voice, in the voice of one not sure of himself, and I + felt that they no longer believed in my asseverations. Even my mother, + when she heard my response, smiled sadly. + </p> + <p> + Doubtless my answer exceeded what she expected from my faith;—probably + she said to herself that it was never to be; no doubt she thought that I + would become something very different, in all probability something less + desirable, that it was impossible at this time to foresee. + </p> + <p> + This determination of mine to become a missionary seemed to solve my every + problem. It would mean long voyages and an adventurous, perilous life,—but + journeys would be undertaken in the service of the Lord, and the dangers + endured for His blessed cause. That solution brought me great tranquillity + for a long time. + </p> + <p> + After having thus won peace for my religious conscience, I feared to dwell + upon the thought lest it should disclose some unexpected weaknesses. But + still the chill waters of commonplace sermons, with their endless + repetitions and stock phrases, continued to flow over and wash away my + early faith. My shrinking from life increased rather than diminished. + There seemed to hang between me and the years to come a great curtain + whose heavy folds it was impossible for me to lift. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0034" id="link2HCH0034"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXIV. + </h2> + <p> + In preceding chapters I have not said much about that Limoise which was + the scene of my initiation into nature and its wonders. My entire + childhood is intimately connected with that little corner of the world, + with its ancient forests of oak trees, and its rocky moorlands covered + here and there with a carpet of wild thyme and heather. + </p> + <p> + For ten or twelve glorious summers I went there to spend my Thursday + holidays, and I dreamed of it during the dreary intervening days of study. + </p> + <p> + In May our friends the D——-s and Lucette went to their country + home and remained until vintage time, usually until after the first + October frost,—and regularly every Wednesday evening I was taken + there. + </p> + <p> + Nothing in my estimation was so delightful as that journey to Limoise. We + scarcely ever went in a carriage, for it was not more than three and a + half miles distant; to me, however, it seemed very far, almost lost in the + woods. It lay toward the south, in the direction of those distant, sunny + lands I loved to think of. (I would have found it less charming had it + been towards the north.) + </p> + <p> + Every Wednesday evening, at sunset, the hour therefore varying with the + month, I left home accompanied by Lucette's elder brother, a grown boy of + eighteen or twenty, who seemed to me a man of mature age. As far as I was + able I tried to keep pace with him, and, in consequence, I was obliged to + go more rapidly than when I walked with my father and sister; we went + through the quiet streets lying near the ramparts, and passed the sailors' + old barracks, the sounds of whose bugles and drums reached as far as my + attic museum when the south wind blew; then we passed through the + fortifications by the most ancient of its gray gates,—a gate almost + abandoned, and used now principally by peasants with flocks of sheep and + droves of cattle,—and finally we arrived at the road that led to the + river. + </p> + <p> + A mile and a half of straight road stretched before us, and this path lay + between stunted old trees yellow with lichens whose branches were blown to + the left by the force of the sea-winds that almost constantly came from + the west, sweeping over the broad and level meadows that lay between us + and the ocean. + </p> + <p> + To those who have a conventionalized idea of country beauty, and to whom a + charming landscape means a river winding its way between poplars, or a + mountain crowned by an old castle, this level road would look very ugly. + </p> + <p> + But I found it exquisite in spite of its straight lines. Upon the left + there was nothing to be seen but grassy meadow land over which herds of + cattle strayed. And before us, in the distance, something that resembled a + line of ramparts shut in the plains sadly: it was the edge of a rocky + plateau at whose base flowed the river. The far bank of this river was + higher than the side that we were on, and was, in some respects, of a + different character, but for the most part it was as flat and monotonous. + And it is just this sameness that has so much charm for me, an attraction + appreciated seemingly by few others. The great level plains with their + calm and tranquil straight lines are deeply and profoundly inspiring. + </p> + <p> + There is nothing in our vicinity that I love any better than the old road; + perhaps I have an affection for it because during my school-boy days I + built so many castles-in-Spain upon those flat plains where, from time to + time, I find them again. It is one of the few spots that has not been + disfigured by factories, docks and railways. It seems a spot that belongs + peculiarly to me, and certainly no one has the power to contest my + spiritual right to it. + </p> + <p> + The sum of the charm of the sensuous world dwells in us, is an emanation + from ourselves; it is we who diffuse it, each person for himself according + to his power, and we have it back again in the measure of our out-giving. + But I did not comprehend early enough the deep meaning of this well-known + truth. . . . During my childhood and youth the charm seemed to reside in + the thing itself, to have its habitation in the old walls and the + honeysuckle of my garden; I thought it lay along the sandy shores of the + Island and upon the grassy meadows and rocky moorland about me. Later on, + in pouring out my admiration every where, as I did, I drew too heavily + upon the well-spring—I exhausted it at the source. And, alas! I find + the land of my childhood, to which I will no doubt return to die, changed + and shrunken, and only for a moment, in certain spots, am I able to + recreate the illusions I have lost;—there I am for the most part + weighed down by the crushing memories of bygone days. . . . + </p> + <p> + As I was saying before my digression, every Wednesday evening I walked + with a light and joyous step along the road that led towards those distant + rocks lying at the boundary of the plains, I went gayly towards that + region of oak trees and mossy stones in which Limoise was situated,—my + imagination greatly magnified it in those days. + </p> + <p> + The river we had to cross was at the end of the straight avenue of + lichened trees so harried by the west winds. The river was very + changeable, being subject to the tides and to all the moods of the + neighboring ocean. We crossed in a ferry-boat or a yawl, always having for + our oarsmen old sailors with bleached beards and sunburnt faces whom we + had known from earliest childhood. + </p> + <p> + When we reached the other bank, the rocky one, I always had a curious + optical illusion: it seemed to me that the town from which we had come, + and whose gray ramparts we still could see, suddenly drew very far away + from us, for in my young head distances exaggerated themselves strangely. + Upon this side all was different, the soil, the grass, the wild flowers + and even the butterflies that hovered over them; nothing here was like + those approaches to our town in whose fens and meadows I took my daily + walk. And the differences, which perhaps others would not have noticed, + thrilled and charmed me, for it had been my habit to spend, perhaps to + waste, my time in observing the infinitesimally small things in nature, + and I had often lost myself in contemplation of the lowliest mosses. Even + the twilights of these Wednesday evenings had about them something + distinctive and peculiar which I cannot express; generally we reached the + far shore just as the sun was setting, and we watched it, from the height + of the lonely plateau, disappear behind the tall meadow-grass through + which we had but newly come, and as it sunk its great ruddy dish seemed + uncommonly large. + </p> + <p> + After crossing the river we turned off the high-road and took an + unfrequented way that led through a region called “Chaumes,” a very + beautiful place at that time but horribly profaned to-day. + </p> + <p> + “Chaumes” lay at the entrance of a village whose ancient church we saw in + the distance. As it was public property it had kept intact its native + wildness. This “Chaumes” was a sort of table-land composed of a single + stone, and this rock, which undulated slightly, was covered with a carpet + of short, dry fragrant plants that snapped under our feet; and a whole + world of tiny gayly-colored butterflies and tinier moths fluttered among + the rare and delicate flowers growing there. + </p> + <p> + Sometimes we passed a flock of sheep guarded by a shepherd much more + countrified looking and tanned than those seen in the meadows about our + town. Lonely and sun-scorched, Chaumes seemed to me the very threshold of + Limoise: it had its very odor, the mingled scent of wild thyme and sweet + marjoram. + </p> + <p> + At the end of the rocky moor was the hamlet of Frelin. I love this name of + Frelin, for I think of it as being derived from those large and fierce + hornets (frelons) that build their nests in the heart of a certain species + of oak tree found in the forests of Limoise; to get rid of these pests it + is necessary, in the springtime, to build great fires around the infested + trees. This hamlet was composed of three or four cottages. They were all + low, as is the custom of our country, and they were old, very old and + gray; above the little rounded doorways were half-effaced ornamental + Gothic scrolls and blazonments. I scarcely ever saw them except at dusk, + as twilight was falling, and the hour and the quaint little houses + themselves awoke in me an appreciation of the mystery of their past; above + all these humble dwellings attested to the antiquity of this rocky ground, + so much older than the meadows of our town which had been won from the + sea, and where nothing that dates before the time to Louis XIV is to be + found. + </p> + <p> + As soon as we left Frelin I commenced to look eagerly along the path ahead + of me, for after that we usually spied Lucette, either afoot or in a + carriage, coming to meet us. As soon as I caught a glimpse of her I would + run ahead to embrace her. + </p> + <p> + On our way through the village we passed the tiny church, a wonder of the + twelfth century, built in the rarest and most ancient Romanesque style;—and + then as the shadows of evening deepened we saw, in the semi-darkness + before us, something that had the form of tall dark legions: it was the + forest of Limoise, composed almost wholly of evergreen oaks, whose foliage + is very dark and sombre. We then came into the road leading directly to + the house; on our way we passed the well where the patient, thirsty cattle + awaited their turn to drink. And finally we opened the little old gate, + and traversed the first grassy courtyard which the shadowing trees, a + century old, plunged into almost total darkness. + </p> + <p> + The house lay between this courtyard and a large uncultivated garden that + extended to the edge of the oak forest. As we entered the ancient + dwelling, with its whitewashed walls and old-fashioned wainscoting, I + always looked eagerly for my butterfly-net that was usually to be found + hanging in the place where I had left it, ready for the next day's chase. + </p> + <p> + After dinner it was our custom to go to the foot of the garden, and there + we sat in an arbor that was built against the old wall encircling the + yard,—this bower faced away from the unfriendly darkness of the + woods where the owls hooted. And while we were seated in the beautiful, + mild, star-bespangled night, suddenly upon the air, musical with the + chirping of myriad crickets, there was heard the tolling of a bell,—heard + very clearly by us although it came from afar off,—it was the church + bell in the village announcing the evening service. + </p> + <p> + Oh! the vesper bell of Enchillais heard in that beautiful garden long ago! + Oh! the sound of that bell, a little cracked but still silvery, like the + once beautiful voices of very old people which still retain something of + their sweetness. What charm of past times, and half sad meditations of + peaceful death, were awakened by that music which spread itself into the + limpid darkness of the surrounding country! And we heard the bell chiming + for a long time, but its sound reached us fitfully; one while it seemed to + be near, and then again it seemed far away, as it obeyed the will of the + soft night wind that was stirring. I bethought me of all those who, on + their lonely farms, were listening to it; I bethought me, too, of all the + unpeopled places round about where it would be heard by no one, and a + shudder passed through me at the thought of the near-by forest, where the + sweet vibrations of the bell would die. + </p> + <p> + The municipal council, composed of very superior spirits, after having + first put its everlasting tri-colored flag upon the steeple of the little + Roman Catholic Church, then suppressed its vesper bell. Its day is done; + and we shall never again, upon summer evenings, hear that call to prayers. + </p> + <p> + Going to bed there was always a very enlivening proceeding, especially + when there was the prospect of a whole Thursday of play before me. I + would, I am sure, have been very much afraid in the guest chamber, which + was on the ground floor of the great, isolated house; but until my twelfth + year I slept on the floor above, in the spacious room occupied by + Lucette's mother;—with the aid of screens they had made for me a + little room of my own. In this retreat there was a book-case with glass + doors that belonged to the time of Louis XIV; this was filled with + treatises, a century old, upon navigation, and with sailors' log-books + that had not been opened for a hundred years. Tiny, scarce visible + butterflies, that entered by the open windows, were to be found here all + summer long, sleeping with extended wings upon the whitewashed walls. And + often the most exciting incident of the day happened just as I was falling + asleep; sometimes then an unwelcome bat found his way into the room and + circled wildly about the lighted candles; or an enormous moth buzzed in + and we would chase him with a cobweb-broom. Or again a storm descended + upon us and the great trees lashed their branches against the house, and + the old shutters slammed back and forth, and we waked with a start. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0035" id="link2HCH0035"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXV. + </h2> + <p> + Now comes the apparition of another little friend who stood very high in + my childish favor. As nearly as I can remember I became acquainted with + her when I was eleven; Antoinette had left the country; Veronica was + forgotten. + </p> + <p> + Her name was Jeanne, and she was the youngest member of a naval officer's + family, that like the D——-s had been bound up in friendship + with ours for more than a century. As she was two or three years younger + than I, I had at first taken but little notice of her—probably I + thought her too babyish. + </p> + <p> + Her face was as droll as a little kitten's, and it was impossible to tell + from the pinched up features whether she would become pretty or ugly; but + she had a certain grace, and when she was eight or nine years old her face + became very sweet and charming. She was very roguish, and as friendly as I + was diffident; and as she darted about in those childish dances we + sometimes had in the evenings, and from which I held myself aloof, she + seemed to me the extreme of worldly elegance and coquetry. + </p> + <p> + But in spite of the great intimacy between our families, it was evident + that her parents looked upon our friendship with disfavor, they probably + thought it unseemly that she had chosen a boy for her companion. This + knowledge caused me much suffering, and the impressions of my childhood + were so vivid and persistent that I did not, until many years had passed, + until I became quite a grown youth, pardon her father and mother the + humiliation they had caused me. + </p> + <p> + It therefore resulted that my desire to play with her increased greatly. + And she, knowing this, was as perverse as a princess in a fairy tale; she + laughed mercilessly at my timid ways, at my awkward manners and my + ungraceful fashion of entering the parlor; there was kept up between us a + constant interchange of playful raillery, an oral stream of inimitable + pleasantry. + </p> + <p> + When I was invited to spend the day with her the prospect gave me the + greatest joy, but the aftertaste of the visit was generally bitter, for + usually I committed some mortifying blunder in that family where I felt + myself so misunderstood. Every time I wished to have Jeanne at my house + for dinner it was necessary for my aunt Bertha, who was a person of + authority in the eyes of Jeanne's parents, to arrange the matter for me. + </p> + <p> + Upon one occasion when little Jeanne returned from Paris she related to me + the story of the “Donkey's Skin,” which she had seen acted at the theatre + in the city. + </p> + <p> + Her time so spent was not lost, for the “Donkey's Skin” was destined to + occupy a prominent place in my life during the next four or five years, + the hours that I wasted upon it were more preciously squandered than were + any others in my life. + </p> + <p> + Together we conceived the idea of mounting the piece upon the stage of my + miniature theatre. That play of the “Donkey's Skin” brought us together + very often. And little by little the project assumed gigantic proportions; + it grew as the months sped, and amused us in ever increasing measure; + indeed, in proportion to the degree of perfection to which we were able to + bring our conception did we enjoy it. We manufactured fantastic + decorations; we dressed, so that they might take part in the processions, + innumerable little dolls. It will be necessary for me to speak often of + that fairy spectacle which was one of the important things of my + childhood. + </p> + <p> + And even after Jeanne tired of it I worked over it alone, and I fairly + outdid myself by undertaking enterprises that seemed grand to me, such, + for instance, as my efforts to represent moonlight, great conflagrations + and storms. I also made marvellous palaces and gardens wonderful as + Aladdin's. All my dreams of enchanted regions, of strange tropical + luxuries, which I later found in the distant corners of the world, took + form in the little play of the “Donkey's Skin.” Leaving out the mystical + experiences at the commencement of my life, I can affirm that almost all + my fancies had their essay on that tiny stage. I was nearly fifteen when + the last decorations, unfinished ones, were laid away forever in the + cardboard box that served them for a peaceful tomb. + </p> + <p> + And since I have anticipated their future I will say in conclusion that in + later years, when Jeanne had grown into a beautiful woman, upon numerous + occasions we have planned to open the box where our little dolls are + sleeping. But we live our life so rapidly that we seem never to find the + time, nor will we, I fear, ever find it. + </p> + <p> + Later our children may,—or who can tell, perhaps our grandchildren! + Upon some future day, when we are forgotten, our unknown descendants in + ferreting to the bottom of old cupboards will be astonished to find there + numberless little creatures, nymphs, fairies and genii, all dressed by our + hands. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0036" id="link2HCH0036"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXVI. + </h2> + <p> + It is said that many children who live in the central provinces, away from + the ocean, have a great longing to see it. I who had never been away from + the monotonous country surrounding us looked forward eagerly to seeing the + mountains. + </p> + <p> + I tried to imagine them; I had seen pictures of several, and I had even + painted them for the “Donkey's Skin.” My sister, when she visited Lake + Lucerne, sent me a description of the mountains, and wrote me long letters + about them, such as are seldom addressed to a child of my age. And my + ideas were further extended by some photographs of glaciers that my sister + brought me for my magic-lantern. I desired with all my heart to see the + mountains themselves. + </p> + <p> + One day, as if in answer to my wish, there came a letter that created + quite a stir in our house. It was from a first cousin of my father, who + had at one time regarded my father with a brotherly love, but for thirty + years, for some reason unknown to me, this cousin had not written or given + any sign of life. + </p> + <p> + At the time of my birth, all talk of him had ceased in our family, and I + was ignorant of his existence. And now he wrote and begged that the old + bond might be renewed; he was living, he said, in a little southern + village in the heart of the Swiss Mountains. He announced that he had two + sons and a daughter about the age of my brother and sister. His letter was + very affectionate, and my father responded to it in like manner and told + his cousin all about us, his three children. + </p> + <p> + The correspondence having continued, it was arranged that I should spend + my next vacation with my relatives; my sister was to take me there and + play the part of mother as she had done during our visit to the Island. + </p> + <p> + The south, the mountains, this sudden extension of my horizon, the cousins + who seemed literally to have fallen from the sky, became the subject of my + constant reveries until the month of August, the time set for our + departure. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0037" id="link2HCH0037"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXVII. + </h2> + <p> + Little Jeanne had come over to spend the day at our house; it was at the + end of May during that spring in which my expectations were so great—I + was twelve years old at the time. All the afternoon we rehearsed with our + tiny jointed china dolls, and painted scenery, we had in fact been busy + with the “Donkey's Skin,”—but with a revised and grand version of + it, and we had about us a great confusion of paints, brushes, pieces of + cardboard, gilt paper and bits of gauze. When it came time for us to go + down into the dining-room we stored our precious work away in a large box + that was consecrated to it from that day forth—the box was a new one + made of pine, and it had a penetrating, resinous odor. + </p> + <p> + After our dinner, at dusk, we were taken out for a walk. But, to my + surprise and sorrow, we found it chilly and the sky was overcast, and + every where there was a sort of mist that recalled winter to my mind. + Instead of going beyond the town, to the places usually frequented by + pedestrians, we went towards the Marine Garden, a much prettier and more + suitable walk, but one usually deserted after sunset. + </p> + <p> + We went down the long straight street without meeting any one; as we drew + near the “Chapel of the Orphans” we heard those within chanting a psalm. + When that was finished a procession of little girls filed out. They were + dressed in white, and they looked very cold in their spring muslins. After + making a circuit of the lonely quarter, chanting meanwhile a melancholy + hymn, they noiselessly re-entered the chapel. There was no one in the + street to see them save ourselves, and the thought came to me that neither + was there any one in the gray heavens above to see them; the overcast sky + seemed as lonely as the solitary street. That little band of orphaned + children intensified my feeling of sorrow and added to the disenchantment + of the May night, and I had a consciousness of the vanity of prayer, of + the emptiness of all things. + </p> + <p> + In the Marine Garden my sadness increased. It was extremely cold, and we + shivered in our light spring wraps. There was not a single promenader to + be seen. The large chestnut trees all abloom and the foliage, in the glory + of its tender hue, formed a feathery green and white avenue—emptiness + was here too; all of this intertwined magnificence of branch and flower, + seen of no one, unfolded itself to the indifferent sky that stretched + above it cold and gray. And in the long flower beds there was a profusion + of roses, peonies and lilies that seemed also to have mistaken the season, + for they appeared to shiver, as we did, in the chill twilight. + </p> + <p> + I have found that the melancholy one sometimes feels in the springtime + usually transcends that felt in autumn, for the reason, doubtless, that + the former is so out of harmony with the promise of the season. + </p> + <p> + The demoralized state into which I was thrown by everything about me gave + me a longing to play a boyish trick upon Jeanne. There came to me a desire + (one that I frequently felt) to have some sort of revenge upon her, + because her disposition was so much more mature and yet more sprightly + than mine. I induced her to lean over and smell the lovely lilies, and + while she was doing so I, by giving her head a very slight push, buried + her nose deep in the flowers and it became covered with yellow pollen. She + was indignant! And the thought that I had acted so rudely tended to make + the walk home a very painful one. + </p> + <p> + The beautiful evenings of May! Had I not cherished memories of those of + preceding years, or had they in truth been like this one? Like this one in + the cold and lonely garden? Had they ended so miserably as did this + play-day with Jeanne? With a feeling of mortal weariness I said to myself: + “And is this all!” an exclamation which soon afterwards became one of my + most frequent unspoken reflections, a phrase indeed that I might well have + taken for my motto. + </p> + <p> + When we returned I went to the wooden box to inspect our afternoon's work, + and as I did so I inhaled the balsamic odor that had impregnated + everything belonging to our theatre. For a long time after that, for a + year or two, perhaps longer, the odor of the pine box containing the + properties of the “Donkey's Skin” recalled vividly that May evening so + filled with poignant sorrow, which was one of the most singular feelings + of my childhood. Since I have come to man's estate I no longer suffer from + anguish that has no known cause, doubly hard to endure because mysterious, + I no longer feel as if my feet are treading unfathomable depths in search + of a firm bottom. I no longer suffer without knowing why. No, such + emotions belonged peculiarly to my childhood, and this book could properly + bear the title (a dangerous one I well know): “A Journal of my extreme and + inexplicable sorrows, and some of the boyish pranks by which I diverted my + mind from them.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0038" id="link2HCH0038"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXVIII. + </h2> + <p> + It was about this time that I installed myself in my aunt Claire's room + for the purpose of study, and there too I busied myself manufacturing + wonders for the “Donkey's Skin.” I took possession of the place as + entirely as an army occupies a conquered country—I would not admit + the possibility of being in the way. + </p> + <p> + My aunt Claire was the person who petted me most. And it was she who was + always so careful of my little things. She always looked after my finery + or anything uncommonly fragile, things that the least breath of air would + have blown away—such exquisitely delicate trifles, for example, as + the wings of a butterfly, or the bright scale of a beetle, intended for + the costumes of our nymphs and fairies—when I said to her: “Will you + please take care of this, dear auntie?” I felt that I could be easy about + it, for I knew that no one would be allowed to touch it. + </p> + <p> + One of the great attractions in her room was a bear that was used for + holding burnt-almonds; and I often visited the place for the sole purpose + of paying my respects to this animal. He was made of china and he sat upon + his hind legs in the corner of the mantelpiece. According to a compact + that I had with my aunt, every time that his head was turned to the side + (and I found it so several times during a day) it meant that there was an + almond or some other kind of candy for me. When I had eaten this I + straightened his head to indicate that I had been there, and then I + departed. + </p> + <p> + Aunt Claire enjoyed helping us with the “Donkey's Skin”; she worked + enthusiastically over the costumes and each day I gave her some task. She + was especially skilful in devising hair for the fairies and nymphs; she + managed to fix upon their tiny heads, about as big as the end of a little + finger, blond wigs made of light silk thread, this thread she twined upon + the finest wires and thus she was able to twist it into beautiful + ringlets. + </p> + <p> + Then when it became absolutely necessary for me to study my lessons, in + the feverish haste of the last half hour that I reserved for my task, + after having wasted my time in idleness of every sort, it was aunt Claire + who came to my rescue; she would open the large dictionary and hunt up for + me the unfamiliar words in the exercises and lessons. She also took up the + study of Greek in order to assist me with my lessons in that language. + When I studied my Greek I always led my aunt Claire to the stairway and I + sprawled there upon the steps, my feet higher than my head; for two or + three years that was the classic pose I took for the study of the Iliad, + or Xenophon's Cyropedia. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0039" id="link2HCH0039"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXIX. + </h2> + <p> + Thursday evening was a time of great rejoicing with me whenever a terrible + storm descended upon Limoise, and thus made it impossible for me to return + home that night. + </p> + <p> + It happened occasionally; and since I had had the experience, I used to + hope that it might occur often, and especially did I wish for a storm when + I had failed to prepare my lessons. One inhuman professor had instituted + Thursday tasks, and it was necessary for me to drag my text and copy-books + with me to Limoise; my beloved holidays, spent in the sweet open air, were + overcast by their dark shadow. + </p> + <p> + One evening at about eight o'clock the much desired storm broke upon us + with superb fury. Lucette and I were in the large drawing-room that + resounded with the noise of the thunder, and we felt none too safe there. + Its great wall-spaces were broken by only two or three old engravings in + ancient frames. Lucette, under her mother's direction, was putting the + finishing touches to a piece of needle work, and, on the rather worn-out + piano, I was playing, with the soft pedal down, one of Rameau's dances; + the old-fashioned music sounded exquisite to me as it mingled with the + noise of the great thunder claps. + </p> + <p> + When Lucette's work was completed, she turned over the leaves of my + copy-book lying on the table. After she had examined it she gave me a + meaning look, intended only for my eyes, that said as plainly as a look + can that she knew I had neglected my task. Suddenly she asked: “where did + you leave your Duruy's 'History'?” + </p> + <p> + My Duruy's “History”! Where indeed had I left it? It was a new book with + scarcely a blot in it. Great heavens! I had forgotten it and left it out + of doors at the far end of the garden in the most removed asparagus bed. + For my historical studies I had selected the asparagus bed which was like + a bit of copse, for the feathery green plants, past their season, grew + high and luxuriant; a hazel glen, leafy and impenetrable, and as shady as + a verdant grotto, was the spot I had chosen for the more exacting and + laborious work of Latin versification. As this time I was scolded by + Lucette's mother for my great carelessness, we decided to go immediately + and rescue the book. + </p> + <p> + We organized a search party, and at the head of it went a servant who + carried a stable-lantern; Lucette and I walked behind him. Our feet were + protected from the wet ground by wooden shoes, and with much difficulty we + held over us a large umbrella that the wind constantly turned inside out. + </p> + <p> + Once outside I was no longer afraid; I opened my eyes wide and listened + with all my ears. Oh! how wonderful, and yet how sinister, the end of the + garden looked seen by those sudden and great flashes of green light that + shimmered and trembled about us from time to time, and then left us blind + in the blackness of the stormy night. And I shall never forget the + impression made upon me by the continual crashing of the branches of the + trees in the near-by oak forest. + </p> + <p> + We found Duruy's “History” in the asparagus bed all water soaked and mud + bespattered. Before the storm the snails, exhilarated no doubt by the + promise of rain, had crawled over the book and they had left their slimy, + glistening traces upon it. + </p> + <p> + Those small tracks remained on the book for a long time, preserved, + doubtless, by the paper cover that I put over them. They had the power to + recall a thousand things to me, thanks to that peculiarity of my mind that + associates the most dissimilar and incongruous images if only once, for a + single favorable moment, they have been accidentally joined. + </p> + <p> + And therefore the little, shining, zig-zag marks on the cover of Duruy + always brought to my mind Rameau's gay dance that I played on the shrill + old piano, only to have it drowned by the noise of the raging storm; and + the same little blotches also recall to me a vision that I had that night + (one, no doubt, born of an engraving by Teniers that hung on the wall); + there seemed to pass before my eyes little people belonging to a bygone + age who danced in the shade of a wood like that of Limoise; the apparition + awakened in me an appreciation of the pastoral gayety of that time, a + conception of the abandon and joyousness of the picnickers who were + dancing so merrily under the spreading branches of the oak trees. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0040" id="link2HCH0040"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XL. + </h2> + <p> + And yet the return home from Limoise Thursday evenings would have had a + great charm but for the remorse I almost always felt because of neglected + duties. + </p> + <p> + My friends took me as far as the river in the carriage, or I rode on a + donkey, or we walked. Once past the stony plateau on the south bank of the + river, and once over it and upon the home side I found my father and + sister awaiting me; I walked gayly beside them in the straight path lying + between the extensive meadows that led to our house. I went at a brisk + pace in my eagerness to see mamma, my aunts and our dear home. + </p> + <p> + When we entered the town, by the old disused gate, it was always dusk, the + dusk of a spring or summer night; as we passed the barracks we heard the + familiar drums and bugles sounding the hour for the sailors' all-too-early + bed. + </p> + <p> + And when we arrived at the house I usually spied my beloved ones (clothed + in their black dresses) seated in the honeysuckle arbor at the end of the + yard, or they were sitting out under the stars. + </p> + <p> + Or, if the others had gone in, I was sure to find aunt Bertha there alone; + she was a very independent person, and she dared defy even the dew and + evening chill. After kissing and embracing me she pretended to smell of my + clothes, and after sniffing a minute, to make me laugh, she would say: + “Ah! you smell of Limoise, my darling.” + </p> + <p> + And indeed I did have something of the fragrance of Limoise about me. When + I came from there I was always impregnated with the odor of wild thyme and + the other aromatic plants peculiar to that part of the country. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0041" id="link2HCH0041"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLI. + </h2> + <p> + Speaking of Limoise I will be vain enough to speak here of an act of mine + that I consider as brave as it was obedient, for it fell in with a promise + that I had given. + </p> + <p> + It happened a short time before my departure for the south, before that + journey to the mountains with which my imagination was ever busy; it + occurred in the month of July following my twelfth birthday. + </p> + <p> + One Wednesday, having started earlier than usual, so that I might arrive + at Limoise before nightfall, I begged those accompanying me to go no + farther than just beyond the town; I entreated them, for this once, to + allow me to make the journey alone as if I were a grown boy. + </p> + <p> + As I was being ferried across the river I compelled myself to take from my + pocket the white silk handkerchief that I had promised to wear about my + neck to protect it from the cool breezes on the water; the old + weather-beaten sailors were looking at me and I felt unspeakably ashamed + as I tied the muffler around my neck. + </p> + <p> + And at Chaumes, in that shadeless spot, a place always baked by the sun, I + fulfilled the pledge that had been exacted from me at my departure. I + opened a large sunshade!—oh! how my cheeks reddened and how + humiliated I felt when I was ridiculed by a little shepherd-boy who, with + head bared to the sun's rays, guarded his sheep. And my agony increased + when I arrived at the village and I saw four boys, who had doubtless just + come from school, look at me with astonishment. My God! I felt as if I + would faint. It was true courage which enabled me to keep my promise at + that moment. + </p> + <p> + As they passed they stared hard as if to mock me for being afraid of the + sun. One muttered something that had little enough meaning, but which I + regarded as a mortal insult: “It is the Marquis of Carabas!” he said, and + then all began to laugh heartily. But notwithstanding, I continued on my + way with my parasol still open. I did not flinch nor answer them, but the + blood surged to my cheeks and hummed in my ears. + </p> + <p> + In the time that followed there were many occasions when it was necessary + for me to pass upon my way without noticing the insults cast at me by + ignorant people; but I do not recall that their taunts caused me any + suffering. But my experience with the parasol! No, I am sure that I have + never accomplished any braver act that that. + </p> + <p> + But I am convinced that it is unnecessary for me to seek any other cause + for my aversion to umbrellas, an aversion that followed me into mature + age. And I attribute to handkerchiefs and such things, and to the + excessive care my family took to stop up every chink through which air + might reach me, my later habit, in line with my tendency to reactions, of + exposing my breast to the burning rays of the sun, of exposing myself to + every kind of wind and weather. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0042" id="link2HCH0042"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLII. + </h2> + <p> + With my head pressed against the glass in the door of the railway coach + that was going rapidly I continually asked my sister, who sat opposite: + </p> + <p> + “Are we in the mountains yet?” + </p> + <p> + “Not yet,” she would answer, still remembering the Alps vividly. “Not yet, + dear. Those are only high hills.” + </p> + <p> + The August day was warm and radiantly bright. We were in an express train + going south, on our way to visit those cousins whom we had never seen. + </p> + <p> + “Oh! but that one! See! See!” I exclaimed triumphantly, as my eyes spied + an elevation towering above others; it was one whose blue height pierced + the clear horizon. + </p> + <p> + She leaned forward. + </p> + <p> + “Ah!” she said, “that is a little more like a mountain, I must confess,—but + it isn't a very high one, only wait!” + </p> + <p> + At the hotel, where we were obliged to remain until the following day, + everything interested us. I remember that night came suddenly, a night of + splendor, as we leaned upon the railing of the balcony leading from our + rooms, watching the shadows gather about the blue mountains and listening + to the chirping of the crickets. + </p> + <p> + The next day, the third of our frequently interrupted journey, we hired a + funny little carriage to take us to the town, one much out of the line of + travel at that time, where our cousins lived. + </p> + <p> + For five hours we rode through passes and defiles—for me they were + enchanted hours. Not only was there the novelty of the mountains, but + everything here was unlike our home surroundings. The soil and the rocks + were a bright red instead of, as in our village, a dazzling white because + of the underlying chalk beds. And at home everything was flat and low, it + seemed as if nothing there dared lift itself above the dead level and + break the uniformity of the plains. Here the dwellings, of reddish hue + like the rocks, and built with old gabled ends and ancient turrets, were + perched high up on the hill; the peasants were very tanned, and they spoke + a language I did not understand; I noticed particularly that the women + walked with a free movement of the hips, unknown to the peasants of our + country, as they strode along carrying upon their heads sheaves of grain + and great shining copper vessels. My whole being vibrated to the charm of + the unfamiliar beauty about me, and I was fascinated by the strange aspect + of nature. + </p> + <p> + Toward evening we reached the little town that marked the end of our + journey. It was situated on the bank of one of those southern rivers that + rush noisily over their shallow beds of white pebbles. The place still + retained its ancient arched gateway and high, pierced ramparts; the + prevailing color of the gothic houses lining its streets was bright red. + </p> + <p> + A little perplexed and agitated our eyes sought for the cousins whose + faces were not even known to us through photographs; but since they had + been apprised of our coming they would, no doubt, be at the station to + meet us. Suddenly we saw approaching us a tall young man, and he had upon + his arm a young lady dressed in white muslin. Without the least hesitation + we exchanged glances of recognition: we had found each other. + </p> + <p> + At their house, on the ground floor, our uncle and aunt welcomed us; both + of them in their old age preserved traces of a once-remarkable beauty. + They lived in an ancient house of the time of Louis XIII; it was built in + an angle, and was surrounded by those porches that are so frequently seen + in small, southern mountain towns. + </p> + <p> + When we entered we found ourselves in a vestibule flagged with pinkish + stones and ornamented with a large fountain of burnished copper. A + staircase of the same stones, as imposing as a castle staircase, with a + curious balustrade of wrought-iron, led to the old-fashioned wainscoted + bedrooms on the second floor. And these things evoked a past very + different from that I had brooded over upon the Island, at St. Ongeoise, + the only past with which I was at this time familiar. + </p> + <p> + After dinner we went out and sat together upon the bank of the noisy + river; we sat in a meadow overgrown with centauries and sweet marjoram, + recognizable in the darkness because of their penetrating odor. It was a + very still, warm evening and innumerable crickets chirped in the grass. It + seemed to me that I had never before seen so many stars in the heavens. + The difference in latitude was not so great, but the sea air that tempers + our winters also makes our summer evenings hazy; in consequence we could + see more stars here in this southern country with its clear atmosphere, + than at our home. + </p> + <p> + The majestic mountains surrounding us, from which I could not take my + eyes, looked like great blue silhouettes: the mountains, never seen until + now, gave me the feeling, so much longed for, of being in a distant + country, they gave me the assurance that one of the dreams of my childhood + had come true. + </p> + <p> + I spent several summers in this village, and I made myself enough at home + to learn the southern dialect spoken by the people there. Indeed the two + provinces I became best acquainted with in my childhood was this southern + one and that of St. Ongeoise, both of them lands of sunshine. + </p> + <p> + Brittany, which so many take to be my native place, I did not see until a + later time, not until I was seventeen, and I did not learn to love it + until long after that,—doubtless that is why I loved it so ardently. + At first it oppressed me and induced a feeling of extreme sadness; my + brother Ives initiated me into its charm, a charm tinged with melancholy, + and it was he who persuaded me to explore its thatched cottages and wooden + chapels. And following this, the influence that a young girl of Treguier + exercised over my imagination, when I was about twenty-seven, strengthened + my love for Brittany, the land of my adoption. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0043" id="link2HCH0043"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLIII. + </h2> + <p> + The day after my arrival at my uncle's I met some children named Peyrals + who became my playmates. According to the fashion of that part of the + country their baptismal names were spoken preceded by the definite + article. The two little girls respectively ten and twelve years old were + called “the Marciette” and “the Titi,” and their younger brother, still a + little chap, who did not, therefore, figure so largely in our plays, was + called “the Medon.” + </p> + <p> + As I was younger in my ways than most boys of twelve,—in spite of my + understanding of some things usually beyond the comprehension of children,—we + immediately became a congenial little band, and for several summers we + came together and enjoyed each other's companionship. + </p> + <p> + The father of the little Peyrals owned all the forests and vineyards upon + the hillsides about us. We had the freedom of them, were absolutely our + own masters, and no one controlled or restrained us in any way, no matter + how absurd we were. + </p> + <p> + In that mountain village our relatives were so esteemed by the peasants + living around them, that it was perfectly proper for us to wander any + where and every where in search of adventures. We would start out very + early in the morning upon mysterious expeditions, or we went to distant + vineyards to have picnics or to chase butterflies that we never caught. + Sometimes a little peasant would enlist in our ranks and follow + submissively wherever we led. After the espionage to which I had been + accustomed I found this liberty a delicious change. An altogether novel + and independent life in the mountains; I might with some show of reason + call it a continuation of my solitude, for I was the senior of these + children who merely participated in my fantastic plays: between us there + were abysmal differences springing from the quality of our minds and + imaginations. + </p> + <p> + I was always the undisputed chief of the band; Titi, the only one who ever + revolted, was easily brought to terms; the children seemed to wish to + please me in everything, and that made it very easy for me to manage them. + </p> + <p> + That was the first little band I led. Later, other ones, less easy to cope + with, came under my dominion; but I always preferred to have them composed + of persons younger than myself, younger in mental development especially, + and more simple in every way than I, so that they would not interfere with + my whims, nor laugh at my childishness. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0044" id="link2HCH0044"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLIV. + </h2> + <p> + The only task required of me during my vacation was that I should read + from Fenelon's Telemaque (my education, you see, was a little out of + date). My copy of the work was composed of several small volumes. + Strangely enough, it was not irksome to me. I could image to myself + distinctly the land of Greece with its white marble temples and its bright + sky, and I had a conception of pagan antiquity that was almost as vivid + (if not so correct) as Fenelon's: Calypso and her nymphs enchanted me. + </p> + <p> + Every day, in order to read, I hid myself from the Peyrals, either in my + uncle's garden or in the garret of his house, my two favorite + hiding-places. + </p> + <p> + This garret, under the high Louis XIII roof, extended the full length of + the house. The shutters of the place were seldom opened, and there was + here, in consequence, almost perpetual twilight. The old things, belonging + to a bygone century, lying there under the dust and cobwebs attracted me + from the first day; and, little by little, the habit of slipping up there + with my Telemaque had grown upon me. I usually stole up after the noon + dinner, secure in the thought that no one would dream of looking for me + there. At this noon hour of hot and radiant sunshine, the garret, by + contrast, was almost as dark as night. Noiselessly I would throw open a + shutter of one of the dormer windows and a flood of sunshine poured in; + then I climbed out on the roof, and with elbows resting upon the + sun-warmed old slate tiles overgrown with golden mosses, I would read my + book. + </p> + <p> + Around me, on this same roof, thousands of Agen plums were drying. This + fruit, intended for winter use, was spread out on mats made of reeds; + warmed through and through by the sun and thoroughly dried they were + delicious; their fragrance, too, was exquisite and it impregnated the + whole garret. The bees and the wasps who, like me, ate them at their + pleasure, tumbled on their backs and extended their legs in the air, + overcome seemingly by the cloying sweetness of the fruit and the heat of + the day. And on the neighboring roofs, between the old gothic gables, + there were similar reed mats covered with these same plums, all visited by + myriads of buzzing wasps and bees. + </p> + <p> + One could also see from here the two streets that came together in front + of my uncle's house; they were lined with mediaeval dwellings, and each + terminated at an arched door that was cut in the high red stone wall that + had formerly served as a fortification. The village was hot and drowsy and + silent, the heat of the mid-summer sun made it torpid; but one could hear + innumerable chickens and ducks scratching and pecking at the sun-baked + dirt in the streets. And far away in the distance the mountains pierced + the cloudless blue of the heavens with their sunny heights. + </p> + <p> + I read Telemaque in very small doses; two or three pages a day was + generally enough to satisfy my curiosity and to ease my conscience for the + day; that task over, I went down hurriedly to find my little friends, and + we would set out on a trip to the woods and vineyards. + </p> + <p> + My uncle's garden, my other place of retreat, was not attached to the + house, but was situated, as were all the other ones in the village, beyond + the ramparts of the town. It was surrounded by very high walls, and one + had entrance to it through an old arched gate that was unlocked with an + enormous key. Upon certain days, armed with my Telemaque and my + butterfly-net, I isolated myself there. + </p> + <p> + In the garden there were several plum trees, and from them there fell, + onto the warm earth, over-ripe plums of the same variety as those drying + on the ancient roofs. The old arbor was trellised with grape vines, and + legions of flies and bees feasted upon the musky, fragrant grapes. The + extreme end of the garden, for it was a very large one, was overgrown like + an ordinary field with alfalfa. + </p> + <p> + The charm of this old orchard lay in the feeling it gave one of being + greatly secluded, of being absolutely alone in a wilderness of space and + silence. + </p> + <p> + I must not forget to speak of the old arbor that two summers later was the + scene of the most momentous act of my childhood. It backed against the + surrounding wall, and its lattice-work was overspread with muscadine vines + that the sun scorched and withered. + </p> + <p> + In this garden, for some inexplicable reason, I had the impression of + being in the tropics, in the colonies of my fancy. And in truth the + tropical gardens that I saw later were filled with the same heavy + fragrance and had much the same appearance. From time to time rare + butterflies, such as are not often seen elsewhere, flitted through the + garden. From a front view they looked like common yellow and black + butterflies, but a side view showed them to be as glistening and as + beautiful a blue as the exotic ones from Guinea that I had seen under + glass in my uncle's museum. They were very wary and difficult to ensnare, + for they rested only for a second at a time upon the fragrant muscadel + grapes before fluttering away over the wall. Sometimes I would place my + foot in a crevice of the stone wall, and scramble up to the top to look + after them as they flew across the hot and silent fields; and often I + remained there on the coping for a long time, propped upon my elbows, and + contemplated the distant landscape. Every where upon the horizon there + were wooded mountains surrounded here and there by the ruins of feudal + castles. Before me, in the midst of fields of corn and buckwheat, was the + Bories estate. Its old arched porch, the only one in the neighborhood that + was whitewashed, looked like one of those entry-ways that are so common in + African villages. This estate, I had been told, belonged to the St. + Hermangarde children, who were destined to become my future comrades. They + were expected almost daily, but I dreaded to have them come, for my little + band composed of the Peyrals seemed all sufficient and extremely well + chosen. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0045" id="link2HCH0045"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLV. + </h2> + <p> + Castelnau! This ancient name brings to me visions of glorious sunshine and + of clear light shining upon noble heights; it evokes the gentle melancholy + that I felt among its ruins, and recalls to me my dreams before the dead + splendors buried there for so many centuries. + </p> + <p> + The old ruin of Castelnau was perched on one of the most heavily wooded + mountains in the neighborhood, and its reddish stone turrets and towers + stood out boldly against the sky. + </p> + <p> + By looking over and beyond the wall surrounding my uncle's garden I could + see the ancient castle. Indeed, it was a conspicuous point in the + landscape, and one immediately saw its rough red stones emerging from the + interlaced trees; one instantly noted the ancient ruin crowning the + mountain all overgrown with the beautiful verdure of chestnut and oak + trees. + </p> + <p> + Upon the day of my arrival I had caught a glimpse of it, and I was + attracted by this old eagle's nest which must have been a superb place of + refuge during the stormy middle ages. It was a common custom in my uncle's + family to go up there two or three times a month to dine and pass the + afternoon with the proprietor, an old clergyman, who lived in a + comfortable house built against one side of the ruin. + </p> + <p> + For me those days were like a revel in fairy land. + </p> + <p> + We started very early in the morning so that we should be beyond the + plains before the hottest period of the day. When we arrived at the foot + of the mountain we were refreshed by the cool shade of the forest, + enveloped in its mantle of beautiful green. As we went up and up, by + zig-zag paths, afoot, and in single file, under lofty arching oaks and + intertwined foliage our line of march resembled a huge serpent. I was + reminded of Gustave Dore's engravings of mediaeval pilgrims making their + way to isolated abbeys perched on mountain heights. Tiny springs oozed out + here and there and trickled across the red earth; between the trees we had + momentary glimpses of beautiful and extensive vistas. At last we reached + the summit, and after passing through the very quaint village that had + perched on this height for many centuries, we rang the bell at the + priest's tiny door. The castle overhung his miniature garden and house; + both were built under the shadow of the crumbling walls and the sinking, + almost tottering, red stone towers. A great peace seemed to emanate from + those aerie ruins, and a deep silence reigned there. + </p> + <p> + The dinners given by the old priest, to which several of the notabilities + of the neighborhood were invited, always lasted very long. The ten or + fifteen courses had an accompaniment of the ripest fruits and the choicest + wines of that country so excelling in exquisite vintages. + </p> + <p> + For several hours we remained at the table afflicted by the August or + September midday heat, and I, the only child in the company, became very + restless; I was disturbed by the thought of the crushing nearness of the + castle, and after the second course I would ask to be permitted to leave + the table. An old serving-woman used always to go with me and open the + outer door in the wall of the feudal ramparts of Castelnau; then she + confided the keys of the stately ruin to me, and I plunged alone, with a + delicious feeling of fear, into the familiar path, and passed through the + gate of the drawbridge superposed on the ramparts. + </p> + <p> + There I might remain for an hour or two sure of not being disturbed; I was + at liberty to wander about in that labyrinth, and I was master in the + majestic but sad domain. Oh! the sweet memory of the reveries that I have + had there! . . . First I would make a tour about the terraces overhanging + the forest lying below; a panorama infinitely beautiful unrolled itself to + my sight; rivers winding here and there in the distance looked like + streams of silver; and, aided by the clear and limpid summer atmosphere, I + could see almost as far as the neighboring provinces. A great calm + pervaded this sequestered corner of France; no line of railway penetrated + it; and in consequence, it led a life entirely apart from the big world, a + life such as it had known in the good old time. + </p> + <p> + After visiting the terraces I would go into the ruined interior, into the + courts, up the stairways and through the empty galleries. I climbed to the + old towers and put to flight flocks of pigeons, and disturbed the sleep of + bats and owls. On the first floor there was a suite of spacious rooms, + still roofed over, and very dark because of the shuttered windows. I + penetrated into these chambers, and I felt an almost delicious terror when + I heard my footsteps echoing through the sepulchral stillness of the + place. Then I would pass in review before the strange Gothic paintings and + the half-effaced frescoes that still retained traces of gilt + ornamentation; the fabled monsters and garlands of impossible flowers had + been added at the time of the Renaissance. This magnificent, pictured + past, fantastic and barbarous to the point of being terrible, seemed to + me, at that time, very vague and dim and distant; I could not realize that + it had been lighted up by the same midday sunshine that warmed the red + stones of the ruins about me. And now that I am better able to estimate + Castelnau, when I recall it to my memory, after having seen most of the + splendors of this earth, I still think the enchanted castle of my + childhood, as it stands upon its glorious height, one of the most superb + ruins of mediaeval France. + </p> + <p> + In one of the towers there was a room whose ceiling was painted a royal + blue over-strewn with exquisite gold tracery and blazonry. In no place + have I realized feudalism so well as in that tower. There alone, in the + silence as of a city of the dead, I would lean out of the little window + cut in the thick wall and contemplate the green verdure lying below me, + and I tried to imagine that I saw coming along the paths, given over to + the flight of birds, a cavalcade of soldiers, or a procession of noble + knights and ladies. . . . And, for me, reared in a level country, one of + the greatest charms of the place was the view I had of blue distances + visible from every loophole and crevice, every gap and opening in the + rooms and towers of Castelnau, for then I realized its extraordinary + height. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0046" id="link2HCH0046"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLVI. + </h2> + <p> + My brother's letters, written close on very fine paper, continued to reach + us from time to time; he could only send them to us by sailing vessels + bound in our direction which lay-to in that part of the world where he was + stationed. Some of them were written particularly for me, and these were + long, and filled with never-to-be-forgotten descriptions. I already knew + several words of the sweet and liquid language of Oceanica, and often in + my dreams I saw the exquisite island he described and roamed over it; it + haunted my imagination as does a chimerical realm, ardently desired, but + as inaccessible as if situated upon another planet. + </p> + <p> + During my visit to my cousins my father forwarded me a letter from my + brother addressed to me. I went up to the garret roof, on the side where + the plums were drying, to read it. He wrote of a place called Fataua which + was situated in a deep valley and surrounded by steep mountains. “A + perpetual twilight,” he wrote, “reigns here under the great exotic trees, + and the spray of the cascade keeps the carpet of rare ferns fresh.” Yes; I + could picture that scene to myself very well, now that I had about me + mountains and moist glens luxuriant with ferns. . . . He described + everything fully and vividly: my brother could not know that his letters + exercised a dangerous spell over the child who, at his departure, appeared + to be so tranquil and so attached to the home fireside. + </p> + <p> + “The only pity,” he wrote at the end, “is that this delightful island has + not a door opening into the home-yard, into the beautiful arbor overgrown + with honeysuckle, for instance, that lies behind the grottoes and the + little pond.” + </p> + <p> + This idea of a door in the wall at the foot of our garden, and especially + the association between the little lake constructed by my brother and + distant Oceanica, struck me as very singular, and the following night I + had this dream: + </p> + <p> + I went into the yard and found it enveloped in a sort of deadly twilight + that gave me the impression that the sun had been extinguished forever. + Every where there seemed to be an inexpressible desolation that is known + only in dreams, and which it is almost impossible to conceive of in the + waking state. When I arrived at the bottom of the garden near the beloved + little lake, I felt myself rising from the ground like a bird about to + take flight. At first I floated aimlessly as thistledown, then I passed + over the wall and took a south-west direction, the direction of Oceanica; + I had no trace of wings, and I lay on my back in an agony of dizziness and + nausea as I travelled with frightful rapidity, with the swiftness of a + stone shot from a sling. The stars whirled madly in space; beneath me + oceans and seas faded into the pallid and indistinguishable distance, and + as I journeyed I was ever enwrapped in that twilight bespeaking a dead + world. . . . After a few minutes I suddenly found myself encompassed by + the darkness of the noble trees in the valley of Fataua. + </p> + <p> + There in the valley my dream continued, for I ceased to believe in it,—the + utter impossibility of really being there impressed itself upon my mind,—for + very often I had been duped by such illusions which always vanished when I + awoke. My main concern was lest I should wake wholly, for the vision, + incomplete as it was, enchanted me. At least the carpet of rare ferns was + really there. As I groped in the night air and plucked them I said to + myself: “Surely these plants are real, for I can touch them and I have + them in my hand; surely they will not disappear when the dream vanishes.” + And I grasped them with all my strength to be sure of keeping them. + </p> + <p> + I awoke. A beautiful summer day had dawned, and in the village was heard + the noise of recommencing life. The continual clucking of the hens as they + roamed about in the streets, and the click-clack of the weaver's loom + caused me to realize where I was. My empty hand was still shut tight, and + the nails were pressed almost into the flesh, the better to guard that + imaginary bouquet of Fataua, composed of the impalpable stuff of dreams. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0047" id="link2HCH0047"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLVII. + </h2> + <p> + I had very quickly attached myself to my grown cousins, and I felt as well + acquainted with them as if I had always known them. I believe it is + necessary that there should be the bond of blood for the creation of those + intimate relations between people, who but the day before were almost + ignorant of each other's existence. I also loved my uncle and aunt; my + aunt especially, who spoiled me a little, and who was so good and still so + beautiful in spite of her sixty years, her gray hair and her grandmotherly + way of dressing herself. In these levelling days, wherein one person is so + like another, people of my aunt's type no longer exist. Born in the + neighborhood, of a very ancient family, she had never been away from this + province of France, and her manners, her hospitality, and her exquisite + courtesy had a local stamp, every detail of which pleased me greatly. + </p> + <p> + In direct contrast to my sheltered home life, here I lived almost entirely + out of doors. I roamed about in the streets and highways, and often I went + beyond the gates of the town. The narrow streets paved with black pebbles + like those in the Orient, and bordered with gothic dwellings of the time + of Louis XIII, had a singular charm for me. I already knew all the nooks + and corners, public highways and the byways of the village, and I was well + acquainted with many of the kind country people who lived about us. + </p> + <p> + The women, peasant women with goitres, who passed my uncle's house on + their way to and from the surrounding fields and vineyards, carried + baskets of fruit on their heads, and they always paused to offer me + luscious grapes and delicious peaches. I was delighted with the southern + dialect, and with the songs of the mountaineers; and, best of all, my + unfamiliar surroundings ever reminded me that I was in a strange country. + </p> + <p> + And now when I see any of the little things that I brought from there for + my museum, or when I look over the brief letters that I wrote to my mother + every day, I suddenly feel the warm sunshine, I experience again the + strange newness, I smell the fragrance of ripe southern fruits, and I feel + the keen freshness of the mountain air; and at such times I realize that + in spite of the long descriptions in these dead pages they inadequately + express all I felt. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0048" id="link2HCH0048"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLVIII. + </h2> + <p> + The little St. Hermangardes, of whom every one spoke so often, arrived + about the middle of September. Their castle was situated in the north upon + the bank of the Carreze, but they came every year to pass the autumn in + their very old and dilapidated mansion near my uncle's house. + </p> + <p> + Two boys, both a little older than I, came this time, and contrary to my + expectation I took a fancy to them immediately. As they were in the habit + of spending a part of each year at their country place they had guns and + powder and often went hunting. Thus they brought an entirely new element + into our games. Their estate of Bories became one of the centres of our + operations. Everything there was at our disposal, the servants and all the + animals in the stables. One of our favorite amusements was the + construction of enormous balloons, nine or ten feet high, and these we + inflated by burning under them sheaves of hay; we then watched them rise + and sail away and away, until they were lost to our sight high above the + distant fields and woods. + </p> + <p> + The little St. Hermangardes were unlike other children; they had had all + their instruction from a tutor, and their ideas were different from those + one imbibes at boarding schools. When there was any disagreement between + us in regard to our games they always courteously gave in to me, and + therefore my contact with them did not help me to meet the painful + experiences of the future. + </p> + <p> + One day they came over and with much grace made me a present of a very + rare butterfly. It was of a pale yellow color, almost merging into light + green, the yellow of a very ordinary butterfly, but its front wings were a + shaded and exquisite pink, similar to the delicate rosy tints sometimes + seen at daybreak. They had captured it, they said, in the late-ripening + autumn grain fields of Bories,—they had caught hold of it so deftly + and carefully that their fingers had made no impression upon its brilliant + coloring. When, at about noontime, I received it from them I was in the + vestibule of my uncle's house, a place always kept tightly closed during + the hours of intense heat. From the wing of the house I heard my cousin + singing in the thin and plaintive falsetto of a mountaineer; he often sang + in that manner, and when he did so his voice always gave me a feeling of + unusual melancholy as it broke the stillness of the late September noons. + He sang over and over the same old refrain: “Ah! Ah! The good, good story. + . . .” Here he always broke off and recommenced. And from that moment + Bories, the pinkish-yellow butterfly, and the sad little refrain of the + “good, good story” were inseparably associated in my memory. + </p> + <p> + But I fear that I have said too much about the incoherent impressions and + images which came to me so frequently in days gone by; this is the last + time that I will speak at length of them. But it will be seen, because of + what follows, how important it is for me to note the association existing + between the dissimilar things mentioned above. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0049" id="link2HCH0049"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLIX. + </h2> + <p> + We left the mountains at the beginning of October, but my home-coming was + marked by a very painful circumstance—I was sent to school! I went, + of course, only as a day scholar; and it goes without saying that I was + never allowed to go and come alone lest I should get into bad company. The + four years that I spent at the university, as a day scholar, were as + strange and as full of odd experiences as any of my life. But, + notwithstanding, from that fatal day my history becomes much less + interesting as a narrative. + </p> + <p> + I was taken to school for the first time, at two o'clock in the afternoon, + upon one of those glorious October days, so sunny and peaceful, that is + like a reluctant and sad leave-taking of the summer-time. Ah! how + beautiful it had been in the mountains, in the leafless forests and among + the autumn-tinted vines! + </p> + <p> + With a crowd of children, all talking at the same time, I entered the + torture chamber. My first impression was one of astonished disgust because + of the hideousness of the ink-stained walls, and of the old benches of + shiny wood defaced by the penknife carvings of countless school-boys who + had been so inexpressibly miserable in this place. Although I was a + stranger to my new companions they treated me with the greatest + familiarity (they used thee and thou in addressing me) and gave themselves + patronizing airs that were almost impertinent. Although I observed my + school-mates timidly and furtively I thought them, for the most part, + exceedingly ill-mannered and untidy. + </p> + <p> + As I was twelve and a half I entered the third class; my tutor considered + me advanced enough to keep up with it if I chose to do so, although I + myself felt that I was scarcely equal to the task. The first day, for the + purpose of qualifying, we had to write Latin exercises, and I remember + that my father awaited, with some anxiety, the outcome of the examination. + When I told him I was second among fifteen I was surprised that he + attached so much importance to a matter of so little interest to me. It + was all one to me! Broken hearted as I felt, how could I be affected by + such a trifle? + </p> + <p> + Later, indeed, at no time, did I feel the impetus that the desire to excel + brings with it. To be at the foot of the class always seemed to me the + least of the ills that a school-boy is called upon to endure. + </p> + <p> + The weeks following my entrance were extremely painful to me. I felt my + intellect cramping rather than expanding under the multiplicity of the + lessons and the tasks imposed; even the realm of my young dreams seemed + closing against me little by little. The first dismal, foggy weather, and + the first gray days added a greater desolation and sadness to my already + overwrought feelings. The uncouth chimney-sweeps had returned, and their + yearly autumn cry was again heard in the streets. Theirs was a cry that in + my earlier years wrung my heart and caused my tears to flow. When one is a + child the approach of winter, with its killing gloom and cold, seems to + awake in him inexplicable forebodings bespeaking the end of all bright and + beautiful things; time goes so slowly in childhood that we appear not to + be able to anticipate the inevitable reawakening that comes in the spring + to all things. + </p> + <p> + No, it is only when we are older, and would seem, therefore, to be more + impressionable to the changes of the seasons, that we regard winter merely + as an incident having its rightful place among the other incidents of + life. + </p> + <p> + I had a calendar and I marked off upon it the slowly passing days. At the + commencement of my first year of college life I was oppressed by the + thought of the months of study stretching before me, and by the prospect + of the interminable months that must come and go before we reached the + Easter vacation that was to give us a respite of eight or ten days from + the dreadful schoolroom grind and ennui; I seemed to lose all my courage, + and at times I was almost overwhelmed with despair at the prospect of the + long and dreary days that went so slowly. + </p> + <p> + In the meantime cold weather, really cold weather set in and aggravated my + sorrows. Oh! the daily journey to school upon those frigid December + mornings, where for two deadly hours the only warmth we obtained came from + the inadequate coal fire, and before me the torture of returning to my + home in the face of the icy winter wind! The other children frolicked and + ran and pushed each other, and they slid upon the ice when it chanced that + the water in the gutters was frozen over. As for me I did not know how to + slide, and, besides, sports such as the other boys indulged in, I + considered highly undignified. I was always escorted to and from school + very sedately, and I felt the humiliation of being conducted. I was + sometimes laughed at by my school-mates with whom I was not at all + popular; and I had a disdain for those who, like myself, were in bondage. + I had scarcely an idea in common with them. + </p> + <p> + Even Thursdays I had to give to the preparation of lessons that took the + entire day. The written tasks, absurd exercises, I scrawled off in the + most careless and illegible handwriting. + </p> + <p> + And my disgust for life was so great that I no longer took the least bit + of pains with myself; often now I was scolded for looking so unkempt, and + for having dirty, ink-stained hands. . . . But if I continue in this + strain I will succeed in making my recital as tedious as were the + school-days of my youth. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0050" id="link2HCH0050"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER L. + </h2> + <p> + Cakes! Cakes! My good hot cakes! The old cake woman had resumed her + nightly tour, and again we heard her rapid footsteps and her shrill + refrain. Always at the same hour, with the regularity of an automaton, she + went by our house. And the long winter recommenced in the same manner as + had the preceding ones, and as were similarly to begin the following two + or three years. + </p> + <p> + Our neighbors, the D——-s, accompanied by Lucette, always came + at eight o'clock Sunday evenings, and another neighbor visited us also + upon this same evening. These latter brought with them their little + daughter Marguerite, who gradually insinuated herself into my affections. + </p> + <p> + That year Marguerite and I brought the Sunday winter evenings, over which + the thought of the tasks of the morrow brooded sadly, to a close with an + entirely new amusement. After the tea, when I felt that the party was + about to break up, I would hurry little Marguerite into the dining-room, + and there we rushed madly about the round table and tried to catch or tag + each other,—we played furiously. It goes without saying that she was + usually caught immediately and tagged very often, and I scarcely ever; it + therefore fell out that it was almost always her turn to chase me, and she + did it desperately. We struck the table with our bodies, and yelled, and + carried on our play with the greatest imaginable uproar. We succeeded in + turning up the rugs, in disarranging the chairs, and in making havoc of + everything. We soon tired of our play, however,—the truth is I was + too old to care greatly for such frolics. I had scarcely any feeling save + one of melancholy in spite of the wild sport I indulged in, for over me + hovered the chilling thought that in the morning the usual round of dry + and laborious lessons would begin. My furious revel was simply a way of + prolonging that day of truce, of making it count to its very last moment; + it was an attempt to divert my thoughts by making plenty of noise. It was + also my way of hurling a defiance at those tasks that I had left undone. + My negligence troubled my conscience and disturbed my sleep, and caused me + finally to look over, hastily and feverishly, by the feeble light of a + candle, or by the cold gray light of early dawn, the neglected lessons, + before the coming of the despised hour in which I betook myself to school. + </p> + <p> + There was always a little consternation in the parlor when the sounds of + our merriment reached those gathered there; it must have been particularly + distressing to our parents to hear that we were amusing ourselves + otherwise than with our duet sonatas, and to find that we preferred noise + and discord to the “Pretty Shepherdess.” + </p> + <p> + And for at least two winters, at about half-past ten every Sunday evening, + we indulged in that romp around the dining-table. My school was of little + value to me, and the tasks imposed of even less benefit; I always went to + work reluctantly and in the wrong spirit, and that lessened and + extinguished my power and stupefied me. I had the same unfortunate + experience when I came in contact with school-mates of my own age, my + equals; their roughness disgusted me, and I repulsed all the efforts they + made to be friendly. . . . I never saw them except in class, under the + master's rod as it were; I had already become a little being too peculiar + and set in my ways to be modified greatly by contact with them, and I + therefore held aloof, and my eccentricities accentuated themselves. + </p> + <p> + Almost all of them were older and more developed than I; they also were + more crafty and more sophisticated; in consequence there sprung up amongst + them a feeling of contempt and enmity for me that I repaid with disdain, + for I felt sure that they were incapable of comprehending or following the + flights of my imagination. + </p> + <p> + With the very youthful peasants in the mountains, and the fishermen's + children on the Island, I had never been haughty; we had understood each + other after the fashion of children who are primitive and therefore fond + of childish play; and upon such occasions I had associated with them as if + they were my equals. But I was arrogant in my behavior to the boys at + school, and they had good reason to consider me whimsical and priggish. It + took me many years to conquer that arrogance, to act simply and like other + people in the world; and especially it was difficult for me to realize + that one is not necessarily superior to his fellows because he is (to his + own misfortune often) prince and conjurer in the realm of fancy. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0051" id="link2HCH0051"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LI. + </h2> + <p> + The theatre wherein was enacted the “Donkey's Skin,” very much amplified + and more elaborate, had now a permanent place in my aunt Claire's room. + Little Jeanne, more interested in it since the additions to the scenery + and the text, came over oftener; she painted backgrounds under my + direction, and the moments I enjoyed most were those in which I impressed + her with my great superiority. We had now a box full of characters, each + with a name and a role; and the fantastic processions were made up of + regiments of monsters, beasts and gnomes made out of plaster and painted + with water colors. + </p> + <p> + I recall our delight and enthusiasm when we tried for the first time the + effect of a scenic background which we had made to represent the “void of + heaven.” Delicate rosy clouds, bespeaking the dawn, floated over the blue + expanse that was softened and paled by the gauze hanging in front of it. + And the chariot of a silken-haired fairy, drawn by two butterflies and + suspended on invisible threads, advanced towards the centre of the scene. + </p> + <p> + But in spite of our efforts our work was never finished, for we took no + account of limitations; every day we had new ideas and ever more and more + wonderful projects, and the great comprehensive representation was + deferred from day to day, was postponed to a future that never came. + </p> + <p> + Every undertaking of my life will be, or has already been, left unfinished + and incomplete as was that little play of the “Donkey's Skin.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0052" id="link2HCH0052"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LII. + </h2> + <p> + Among those professors who seemed, during my school-days, so severe, and + indeed almost cruel to me, the most terrible without any exception were + the “Bull of Apis” and the “Big Black Ape” (I had nicknames for all of + them). I hope should they read this they will understand that I am writing + from the child's view-point. Should I meet them to-day I would, in all + probability, humbly tender them my hand and ask their pardon for having + been such an unmanageable pupil. + </p> + <p> + Oh! the Big Ape especially, how I hated him! When from the height of his + desk these words fell upon my ear: “You will do a hundred lines; I mean + you, you little sap-head!” I could have flown at his face like an enraged + cat. He was the first to arouse in me those sudden and violent outbursts + of rage that characterized me as a man, outbreaks which could scarcely + have been foreseen in a child of my sweet and patient disposition. + </p> + <p> + I would be doing myself a great injustice in saying that I was altogether + a bad scholar, I was, rather, an unequal and erratic one; one day at the + head of my class, the next day at the foot; but on the whole I maintained + a fair average, and at the end of the year I received the prize for + translation—I won no others however. It surprised me that every one + in the class did not receive the prize that I had won without great + effort, for translation was extraordinarily easy for me. On the other hand + I found composition very difficult, and narration still more so. + </p> + <p> + Little by little I deserted my own work-desk, and in my aunt Claire's + room, near the china bon-bon bear, I underwent with as much resignation as + possible, the torture that the preparing of my tasks imposed. On the + wainscoting of the wall, in a hidden recess of the room, there is still + visible, among the other fantastical sketches, a pen-portrait of the “Big + Ape”; the ink has faded to a light yellow, but the drawing has endured, + and when I look at it I again feel a sort of deadly weariness, and a + sensation of suffocation chills me through and through—in short I + once more live over those dread school-days. + </p> + <p> + Aunt Claire was more than ever my resource during those hard times; she + always looked up words for me in the dictionary, and often she took upon + herself the task of writing for me, in an assumed hand, the exercises + exacted by the “Big Ape.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0053" id="link2HCH0053"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LIII. + </h2> + <p> + Bring me, please, dear, the second . . . no, the third drawer of my + chiffonier. + </p> + <p> + It is mamma who is speaking; she is busying herself with the drawers of + the chiffonier which every day, for many years, she had asked me to bring + to her,—sometimes she pretends to need them merely for the purpose + of pleasing me by requiring my services. It was one of the things that I + was able to do for her when I was very little: to carry to her one or + another of those tiny drawers. It was an honored custom in our household + for a long time. + </p> + <p> + At the time of my life of which I am now writing it was in the evening, at + dusk, after my return from school, that I busied myself carrying the + little chiffonier drawers. I usually found mamma seated in her accustomed + place near the window chatting or embroidering, her work basket was before + her, and the bureau, whose different compartments she required from time + to time, was situated some distance away, in an anteroom. + </p> + <p> + The Louis XVth chiffonier was very much revered, for it had belonged to + great-grandmothers. In it there were some very old and very tiny painted + boxes which had doubtless been handled every day by one or another of our + ancestresses. It goes without saying that I knew all the secrets of these + compartments that were kept in such exquisite order; there was a special + place for silks that was classified by being put into ribbon bags; one for + needles, another for braid, and still another for little hooks. And these + things were still arranged, I have no doubt, as they had been in our + grandmother's days, whose saintly activity my mother imitated. + </p> + <p> + To bring the drawers of the chiffonier to mamma was the joy and pride of + my childhood, and there has been no change in my feelings for those little + compartments since that time. They have always inspired me with the most + tender respect; they are blended with the image of my mother and they + recall to me her beautiful, skillful hands, ever busy manufacturing some + pretty, useful article,—even to her last piece of embroidery which + was a handkerchief for me. + </p> + <p> + In my seventeenth year, when we met great reverses—at that troubled + time of which I will not speak here, but only mention because I have + already, in preceding chapters, touched upon the matter—we had to + face, for several months, the dreadful possibility of being obliged to + part with our old home and all the precious things that it contained. At + that time when I passed in review all the beloved memories and habits and + mementoes that I would need to break with, one of my most agonizing + thoughts was: “Never more will I be able to come and go in the + ante-chamber where the chiffonier stands, nor never again be able to carry + its precious little drawers to mamma.” + </p> + <p> + And her very old-fashioned work-basket that I had begged her not to + discard, although it was much worn, with its little articles, needle + books, receptacles for thimbles and screws for holding the embroidery + frames! The thought that a time must surely come when the well-beloved + hands that daily touch these things will touch them no more, fills me with + so much sorrow that I am bereft of all courage and I struggle in vain + against invading sad emotions. Let me hope that as long as I live it may + remain as it is, that for so long it will be guarded with the sacredness + of a relic; but to whom can I bequeath this heirloom with the assurance + that it will be cherished? What will become of those poor little trifles + that are so precious to me? + </p> + <p> + That work-basket belonging to my mother, and the little drawers of the old + chiffonier are, I doubt not, the things that I will part with most + regretfully when the time comes for me to go into the world. + </p> + <p> + Truly all of this is very puerile and childish, and I am ashamed of it;—and + yet I am almost weeping as I write it. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0054" id="link2HCH0054"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LIV. + </h2> + <p> + Because of the haste and confusion brought about by conflicting school + tasks, I had not for many months found time to read my Bible; indeed I + scarcely had time for a morning prayer. + </p> + <p> + I still went to church regularly every Sunday; that is we all went there + together. I reverenced the family pew where we had assembled for so many + years; and apart from that reason I hold it dear because it is associated + in my memory with my mother. + </p> + <p> + It was at church, however, that my faith continued to receive its most + damaging blows; it was there that religion seemed a cold and meaningless + term to me. Usually the commentaries, the narrow human reasoning and + dissection took away from the beauty of the Bible and the Gospels, and + deprived them of their grandly solemn and exquisite poetry. For a peculiar + nature like mine it was very difficult to have any one touch upon holy + subjects (in such a way as did the minister) without in some measure, in + my opinion, desecrating them. The family worship, held every evening, + awakened in me the only religious meditation that I now knew, for the + voice that read or prayed was exceedingly dear to me, and that changed + everything. + </p> + <p> + My untiring contemplation of nature, and the reflections that I indulged + in in the presence of the fossils I had brought from the mountains and + cliffs, and placed in my museum, indicated that there had been bred in me + a vague and unconscious pantheism. + </p> + <p> + In short my deeply rooted and still-living faith was covered over with + encumbering earth. At times it threw out a green shoot, but for the most + part it lay like an entirely dead thing in the cold ground. Moreover, I + was too much troubled to pray; my conscience, still restive and timid, + gave me no rest during the time that I was on my knees,—I always + felt remorse gnaw at me then because of the slovenly and half-done tasks, + and because of the feelings of hate I had for the “Big Ape” and the “Bull + of Apis,” emotions that I was obliged to hide and disguise until I + shuddered at the falsehoods I spoke and acted. These things gave me + poignant remorse and excruciating moral distress, and to escape from these + emotions I indulged in noisy sports and foolish laughter; and when my + conscience troubled me most, and I dared not, therefore, appear before my + parents, I took refuge with the servants, played tennis, jumped the rope, + or make a great racket. + </p> + <p> + For two or three years I had not spoken of a religious vocation, for I now + understood that such a desire was a thing of the past, was impossible; but + I had not found anything to put in its place. When strangers asked what + career I was being prepared for, my parents, a little anxious in regard to + my future, did not know what to say; and I knew still less what to reply. + </p> + <p> + However my brother, who was also much concerned over my enigmatical + future, in one of those letters that seemed always to come from an + enchanted land, suggested, because of a certain facility in mathematics + and a certain precision of nature, certainly anomalies in one of my + temperament, that it might be well for me to study engineering. And when + they consulted me and I replied apathetically: “Very well, it is agreeable + enough to me,” the matter seemed satisfactorily settled. + </p> + <p> + I would need to spend a little more than a year at a polytechnic school in + order to prepare myself. To be there or elsewhere, what difference did it + make to me? . . . When I contemplated the men of a certain age who + surrounded me, those occupying the most honorable positions, who had every + claim to respect and consideration, I would say to myself: “It will some + day be necessary for me to live a useful, sedate life in a given place and + fixed sphere as they do, and to grow old as they are—and that is + all!” And a bitter hopelessness overwhelmed me as I brooded on the + thought; I yearned for the impossible; I longed most of all to remain a + child forever, and the reflection that the years were fleeing, and that, + whether I would or would not, I must become a man, was anguish to me. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0055" id="link2HCH0055"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LV. + </h2> + <p> + Twice a week, in the history classes, I came in contact with the naval + students. To give themselves a sailor-like appearance they wore red + sashes, and they constantly drew ships and anchors on their copy-books. + </p> + <p> + I never dreamed of that career for myself; scarcely oftener than once or + twice had such a thought passed through my mind and then it had disquieted + me: it was, however, the only life in which I could indulge my taste for + travel and adventure. It terrified me, this naval career, more than any + other because of the long exiles it imposed, exiles that faith could no + longer make seem endurable, as in the days when I had expressed a desire + to become a missionary. + </p> + <p> + To go far away as my brother had done; to be separated from my mother and + other beloved ones for years and years; not to see during that time the + little yard reclothe itself in green at the coming of the spring, nor to + see the roses bloom upon the old wall, no, I had not the courage to + undertake it. + </p> + <p> + Because it was assumed, doubtless because of my peculiar education, that + such a rough life was wholly unsuited to me. And I knew very well, from + some words that had been spoken in my hearing, that should so wild an idea + gain a lodgment with me my parents would withhold their consent and thwart + me in every way. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0056" id="link2HCH0056"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LVI. + </h2> + <p> + On my Thursday holidays during the winter, after having finished my duties + and accomplished all my school tasks, I felt the greatest homesickness + when I mounted to my museum. It was always a little late when I finished + my lessons, and the light was usually fading when I looked down at the + great meadows that appeared inexpressibly melancholy as they stretched + before me enwrapped in a grayish-pink mist. I was homesick for the summer, + homesick for the sun and the south, all of which were suggested by the + butterflies from my uncle's garden that I had arranged and pinned under + glass, and by the mountain fossils that the little Peyrals and I had + collected in the summer time. + </p> + <p> + It was a foretaste of that longing for somewhere else which later, after + my return from long voyages to tropical countries, spoiled my visits to my + home. + </p> + <p> + Oh! there was in particular the pinkish-yellow butterfly! There were times + when I experienced a bitter pleasure in seeking to understand the great + sadness that it caused me. It was in the glass case at the far end of the + room; its two colors so fresh and unusual, like a Chinese painting, or a + fairy's robe, were exquisite foils for each other; the butterfly formed a + luminous whole that shone out brightly in the gray twilight, and it caused + the other butterflies surrounding it to look as dull as dun-colored little + bats. + </p> + <p> + As soon as my eyes rested upon it I seemed to hear drawled out lazily, in + a mountaineer's treble, the refrain: “Ah! ah! the good, good story!” And + again I saw the white porch of Bories in the midst of the silence and the + hot sunshine of a summer noon. A deep regret for past and gone vacations + took possession of me; I felt saddened when I tried to recreate days + belonging to a dead past, and tried to imagine vacations still to come; + but mingled in with sentiments that I can name, there were those other + inexpressible ones that well up from the unfathomable deeps of one's + being. + </p> + <p> + This association between the butterfly, the song and Bories caused me for + a long time an extreme sadness that, try as hard as I may, I cannot + explain satisfactorily; and the feeling continued until stormy and + tempestuous winds swept over my life and carried away with them the small + concerns belonging to my childhood. + </p> + <p> + Sometimes, upon gray winters evenings, when I looked at the butterfly I + would sing to myself the little refrain of the “good, good story;” to + accomplish this I had to make my voice very flute-like; and as I sang, the + porch of Bories appeared to me more vividly than ever, as it stood, sunny + but desolate, under the dazzling light of the September noon. This + association was a little like the one that later established itself for me + between the sad falsetto of the Arab songs, the snowy splendor of their + mosques and the winding-sheet whiteness of their lime-washed porticos. + </p> + <p> + That butterfly in all the freshness and radiance of its two strange + colors, mummified, it is true, but as brilliant looking as ever under its + glass, retains for me a sort of old-time charm which I cherish. The little + St. Hermangardes, whom I have not seen for many years, and who are now + attached to an embassy somewhere in the Orient, would doubtless, should + they read this, be much astonished to learn what value circumstances has + given to their little present. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0057" id="link2HCH0057"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LVII. + </h2> + <p> + The chief event of these winters, so poisoned by my college life, was the + gift-giving festival that we had at New Year. + </p> + <p> + At about the end of November it was our custom, my sister's, Lucette's and + mine, to make out a list of the things we desired most. Everybody in the + two families prepared surprises for us, and the mystery surrounding these + gifts was our most exquisite pleasure during the last days of the year. + Between parents, grandmother and aunts there occurred, to excite my + curiosity still further, conversations full of mysterious hints, and + whisperings that were hastily discontinued as soon as I appeared. + </p> + <p> + Between Lucette and me it became a real guessing game. As in the play of + “Words with a double meaning,” we had the right to ask certain pointed + questions,—for example we asked the most ridiculous ones, such as: + “Has it hair like an animal?” + </p> + <p> + And the answers went something after this fashion: + </p> + <p> + What your father is to give you (a dressing-case made of leather) had + hair, but it has none now, except on some portion of its interior + (brushes), and that is false. Your mamma's present (a fur muff) still has + some hair. What your aunt is to give you (a lamp) will help you to see the + hair on the others better; but, let me see, yes, I am sure that that has + none. + </p> + <p> + In the December twilights, in that hour between daylight and darkness, we + would sit upon our low stools before the wood-fire, and continue our + series of questions from day to day. We grew ever more eager and excited + until the 31st, and in the evening of that momentous day the mysteries + were revealed. + </p> + <p> + That day the presents for the two families, wrapped, tied and labeled, + were piled upon tables in a room closed against Lucette and me. At eight + o'clock the doors were thrown open and we filed in, the elders going + first, and each one of us sought for his own gift among the heap of white + parcels. For me the moment of entry was an exceedingly joyous one, and + until I was twelve or thirteen years of age, I could not refrain from + jumping and leaping like a kid long before it came time for us to cross + the threshold. + </p> + <p> + We had supper at eleven, and when the clock in the dining room struck the + midnight hour, tranquilly, in harmony with the sound of its calm stroke, + we separated in the first moments of those New Years that are now buried + under the ashes of many succeeding ones. And on those evenings I fell + asleep with all my gifts in my room near me. I even kept the favorite ones + upon my bed. The following morning I always waked earlier than usual so + that I might re-examine them; they cast a spell of enchantment over that + winter morning, the first one of a new year. + </p> + <p> + Once there was, among my presents, a large illustrated book treating of + the antediluvian world. + </p> + <p> + Through the study of fossils I had already been initiated into the + mysteries of prehistoric creations. I knew something about those terrible + creatures that in geologic times shook the primitive forests with their + heavy tread; for a long time the thought of them disquieted me. I found + them all in my book pictured in their proper habitat, surrounded by great + brakes, and standing under a leaden sky. + </p> + <p> + The antediluvian world already haunted my imagination and became the + constant subject of my dreams; often I concentrated my whole mind upon it, + and endeavored to picture to myself one of its gigantic landscapes that + seemed ever enveloped in a sinister and gloomy twilight with a background + filled in with great moving shadows. Then when the vision thus created + took on a seeming reality I felt an inexpressible sadness that was like an + exhalation of the soul,—as soon as the emotion passed the + dream-structure vanished. + </p> + <p> + Soon after this I sketched a new scene for the “Donkey's Skin;” it was one + representing the liassic period. I painted a dismal swamp overshadowed by + lowering clouds, where, in the shave-grass and the gigantic ferns, strange + extinct beasts wandered slowly. + </p> + <p> + The play of the “Donkey's Skin” seemed no longer the same Donkey's Skin. I + discarded one by one the little stage people who now offended me by their + uncompromising doll-like stiffness; they were relegated to their + card-board box, the poor little things, where they slept the sleep + eternal, and without doubt they will never be exhumed. + </p> + <p> + My new scenes had nothing in common with the old fairy spectacle: in the + depths of virgin forests, in exotic gardens, and oriental palaces formed + of pearls and gold I tried to realize, with the small means at my command, + all my dreams, while waiting for that improbable better time that ever + lies in the future. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0058" id="link2HCH0058"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LVIII. + </h2> + <p> + That hard winter passed under the ferule of the “Bull of Apis” and the + “Great Ape,” finally came to an end and spring returned; it was always a + troublous time for us, the scholars, for the first mild days gave us a + great longing to be out, and we could scarcely hide our restlessness. The + roses budded everywhere upon our old walls; my beloved little garden, + bright and warm under the March sunshine, tempted me, and I would tarry + there a long time to watch the insects wake up, and to see the early + butterflies and bees fly away. Even the revised “Donkey's Skin” was + neglected. + </p> + <p> + I was no longer escorted to and from school, for I had persuaded my family + to discontinue a custom that made me ridiculous in the eyes of my + companions. Often, before returning home, I would take a long and + roundabout way and pass by the peaceful ramparts from where I had glimpses + of other provinces, and a sight of the distant country. + </p> + <p> + I worked with even less zeal than usual that spring, for the beautiful + weather that tempted me out of doors turned my head and made study almost + impossible. + </p> + <p> + Assuredly one of the things for which I had the least aptitude was French + composition; I generally composed a mere rough draught without a particle + of embellishment to redeem it. In the class there was a boy who was a very + eagle, and he always read his lucubrations aloud. Oh! with what unction he + read out his pretty creations! (He is now settled in a manufacturing town, + and has become the most prosaic of petty bailiffs.) One day the subject + given out was: “A Shipwreck.” To me the words had a lyrical sound! But, + nevertheless, I handed in my paper with only the title and my name + inscribed upon it. No, I could not make up my mind to elaborate the + subjects given to us by the “Great Ape”; a sort of instinctive good taste + kept me from writing trite commonplaces, and as for putting down things of + my own imagining, the knowledge that they would be read and picked to + pieces by the old bogey made it impossible for me to compose anything. + </p> + <p> + I loved, however, even at this time, to write for myself, but I did it + with the greatest secrecy. Not in the desk in my room that was profaned by + lessons and copy-books, but in the little old-fashioned one that was part + of the furniture of my museum, there was hidden away a unique thing that + represented my first attempt at a journal. It looked like a sibyl's + conjuring book, or an Assyrian manuscript; a seeming endless strip of + paper was rolled upon a reed; at the head of this there were two varieties + of the Egyptian sphinx and a cabalistic star drawn in red ink,—and + under these mysterious signs I wrote down, upon the full length of the + paper and in a cipher of my own invention, daily events and reflections. A + year later, however, because of the labor involved in transcribing the + cryptographic characters I had chosen I discarded them and used the + ordinary letters; but I continued my work with the greatest secrecy, and I + kept my manuscript under lock and key as if it were an interdicted book. I + inscribed there, not so much the events of my almost colorless existence, + as my incoherent impressions, the melancholy that I felt at twilight, my + regret for past summers, and my dreams of distant countries. . . . I + already had a longing to give my fugitive emotions a determinative + quality, I needed to wrestle against my own weaknesses and frailties and + to banish, if possible, the dream-like element that I seemed to discover + in all the things about me, and for that reason I continued my journal + until a few years ago. . . . But at that time the mere idea that a day + might come when someone would have a peep at it was insupportable to me; + so much so indeed that if I left home and went to the Island or elsewhere + for a few days, I always took care to seal up my journal, and with the + greatest solemnity I wrote upon the packet: “It is my last wish that this + book be burned without being read.” + </p> + <p> + God knows, I have changed since then. But it would be going too far beyond + the limits of this story of my childhood to recount here through what + changes in my life's view-point it chances that I now sing aloud of my + woes, and cry out to the passers-by, for the purpose of drawing to myself + the sympathy of distant unknown ones; and I call out with the greater + anguish in proportion as I feel myself approaching nearer and nearer to + the final dust. . . . And who knows? perhaps as I grow older I may write + of those still more sacred things which at present cannot be forced from + me,—and by that means try to prolong beyond the bounds of my + individual life, memory of my being, of my sorrows, and joys, and love. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0059" id="link2HCH0059"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LIX. + </h2> + <p> + The return that spring of little Jeanne's father from a sea voyage + interested me greatly. For several days her house was topsy-turvy with + preparation, and one could guess the joy they felt over his approaching + arrival. The frigate that he commanded reached port a little earlier than + his family expected it, and from my window I saw him, one fine evening, + hurrying along the street alone, on his way home to surprise his people. + He had arrived from I know not which distant colony after an absence of + two or three years, but it did not seem to me that he was the least + altered in appearance. . . . One could then return to his home unchanged? + They did come to an end after all, those years of exile, which now I find, + in truth, much shorter than they seemed in those days! My brother himself + was to return the following autumn, and it would doubtless then seem as if + he had never been away from us. + </p> + <p> + And what joyous events those home-comings were! And what a distinction + surrounded those who had but newly returned from so great a distance! + </p> + <p> + The next day in Jeanne's yard I watched them unpack the enormous wooden + boxes that her father had brought from strange countries; some of them + were covered with tarpaulin cloth,—pieces of sails no doubt, that + were impregnated with the agreeable odor of the ship and the sea; two + sailors wearing large blue collars were busy uncording and unscrewing + them; and they took from them strange looking objects that had an odor of + the “colonies;” straw mats, water jars and Chinese vases; even cocoanuts + and other tropical fruits. + </p> + <p> + Jeanne's grandfather, himself an old seaman, was standing near me watching + from the corner of his eye the process of unpacking; suddenly, from + between the boards of a case that was being broken open with a hatchet, + there crawled out hastily some ugly little brown insects that the sailors + jumped on with their feet and destroyed. + </p> + <p> + “Cockroaches are they not, Captain?” I inquired of the grandfather. + </p> + <p> + “Ha! How do you know that, you little landlubber?” he laughingly + responded. + </p> + <p> + To tell the truth, I had never seen any such insects before; but uncles + who had lived in the tropics often spoke of them. And I was delighted to + make the acquaintance of these tiny creatures that are peculiar to ships + and to warm countries. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0060" id="link2HCH0060"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LX. + </h2> + <p> + Spring! Spring! + </p> + <p> + The white roses and the jasmine bloomed on our old garden wall, and the + deliciously fragrant honeysuckle hung its long garlands over it. + </p> + <p> + I began to live there from morning until night in closest intimacy with + the plants and the old stones. I listened to the sound of the water as it + plashed in the shade of the majestic plum tree, I studied the grasses and + the wood mosses that grew at the edge of my little lake; and upon the warm + side of the garden where the sun shone all through the day, the cactus put + out its buds. + </p> + <p> + My Wednesday evening trips to Limoise commenced again,—and it goes + without saying that I dreamed of the beloved place from one week to the + next to the detriment of my lessons and my other duties. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0061" id="link2HCH0061"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LXI. + </h2> + <p> + I believe that that spring was the most radiant and the most ravishingly + happy one of my childhood, in contrast no doubt to the terrible winter + spent under the rigorous care of the Great Ape. + </p> + <p> + Oh! the end of May, the high grass and then the June mowing! In what a + glory of golden light I see it all again! + </p> + <p> + I took evening walks with my father and sister as I had done during my + earlier years; they now came to meet me at the close of school, at + half-past four, and we set out immediately for the fields. Our preference + that spring was for a certain meadow abloom with pink amourettes, and I + always brought home great bouquets of these flowers. + </p> + <p> + In that same meadow a migratory and ephemeral species of moth, black and + pink (of the same pink as the amourettes) had hatched out, and they slept + poised on the long stalks of the grass, or flew away as lightly as the + flowers shed their petals when we walked through the hay. . . . And all of + these things appear to me again as I saw them in the exquisite, limpid + June atmosphere. . . . During the afternoon classes, the thought of the + sun-dappled meadows made me more restless than did even the mild air and + the spring odors that came in through the open windows. + </p> + <p> + I cherish particularly the remembrance of an evening in which my mother + had promised, as a special favor, to join us in our walk to the fields of + pink amourettes. That afternoon I had been more inattentive than usual, + and the Great Ape had threatened to keep me in, and all during my lessons + I firmly believed that I was to be punished. This keeping in after school, + which shut us away from the beautiful June day an hour longer, was always + a cruel torture. But to-day my heart felt particularly heavy as I + reflected that mamma would, doubtless, come at the appointed hour and + expect me,—and with some bitterness I thought that the springtime + was so very short, that the hay would soon need to be cut, and that + perhaps there would not be, the whole summer long, such another glorious + evening as this one. + </p> + <p> + As soon as school was over I anxiously consulted the fatal list in the + hands of the monitor; my name was not there! The Big Black Ape had + forgotten me, or had been merciful! + </p> + <p> + Oh! with what joy I rushed away to join mamma who had kept her promise and + who, with my father and sister, smilingly awaited me. . . . The air that I + breathed in was more delicious than ever, it was exquisitely soft and + balmy, and the atmosphere had a tropical resplendence. + </p> + <p> + When I recall that time, when I think of those meadows all abloom with + amourettes, and of those pink moths, there is mingled, to my regret, a + sort of indefinable pain whose intensity I cannot understand, an anguish I + always feel when I find myself in the presence of things that impress and + charm me with their undercurrent of mystery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0062" id="link2HCH0062"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LXII. + </h2> + <p> + I have already said that I was extraordinarily childish for my years. + </p> + <p> + If the personage I then was could but be brought into the presence of the + little Parisian boys of twelve or thirteen, educated according to the more + perfect modern method, who at so early an age declaim, discuss and + harangue, and entertain all sorts of political ideas, I would, I am sure, + be struck dumb by their discourses, and how singular they would find me + and with what disdain they would treat me! + </p> + <p> + I am myself astonished at the childishness that I displayed in certain + ways, for in artistic perception and imagination, in spite of my lack of + method, and lack of real knowledge, I was incontestably more advanced than + are the majority of boys of my age; if that youthful journal, the strip of + paper wrapped about a reed in the similitude of a conjuring-book, of which + I spoke a short time ago, were still in existence it would emphasize + twenty fold this pale record, on which it seems to me there has already + fallen the dust of ages. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0063" id="link2HCH0063"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LXIII. + </h2> + <p> + My room where I now scarcely ever installed myself to study, and which I + seldom entered except at night to sleep, became, during the beautiful + month of June, my palace of delight, and I went there after dinner to + enjoy the long, and mild, and beautiful twilights. I had invented a sport + which I deemed an improvement upon the rag-rat trick that the dirty little + street urchins whisked, at the end of long strings, about the feet and + legs of the passers-by. My game amused me greatly and I prosecuted it with + vivacity. It would, I think, amuse me still if I dared play it, and I hope + that my trick will be imitated by all the youngsters who are imprudently + allowed to read this chapter. + </p> + <p> + On the other side of the street, just opposite my window, and similarly + upon the second floor there lived the good old maid, Miss Victoire—(she + wore a great old-fashioned frilled cap and round spectacles). I had + obtained permission from her to fix to the fastening of her shutter a + string that I then brought all across the street and into my window, the + remainder of this string I rolled upon a stick, ball-fashion. + </p> + <p> + In the evening, as soon as the light waned, a bird of my own manufacture—a + sort of absurd and impossible crow, made out of iron wire and with black + silk wings—came slyly from between my venetian blinds that I + immediately closed after the exit of the creature, this bird descended in + a droll way and posed on the paving stones in the middle of the street. A + ring on which it was suspended, and which allowed it to slip freely the + length of the string, was not visible because of the dim light, and from + time to time I made the crow hop and skip comically about on the ground. + </p> + <p> + And when the passers-by paused to gaze at this unlikely looking bird that + fluttered about so gayly—whiz! I would pull the string that I held + firmly in my hand, and the bird would leap from under their very noses and + mount high in the air. + </p> + <p> + Oh! how amused I was, those beautiful evenings, when I peeped out from + behind my venetian blinds; how I laughed to myself over the surprised + exclamations and the bewilderment of those fooled, and how I enjoyed + rehearsing to myself their probable reflections and guesses. And to me the + most astonishing part was that after the first moment of surprise, the + persons whom I tricked laughed as heartily as I; it should be mentioned + that the majority of those passing were neighbors who must certainly have + had some inkling of the mystifying joke about to be played on them. I was + much loved in the neighborhood at that time. Or if the pedestrians chanced + to be sailors, the easy going fellows, themselves only grown children, + were much delighted with my child's play. + </p> + <p> + What will always remain an incomprehensible mystery to me is that in my + family, where we seldom sinned through an excess of reserve towards each + other, they shut their eyes to my trick, and thus tacitly gave me + permission to play it during the entire spring; I am not able to explain + to myself how it chanced that they failed to correct me, and the years + instead of clearing up this mystery only serve to intensify it. + </p> + <p> + That black bird has naturally become one of my many relics; at intervals, + during the past two or three years, I have looked at it; it is somewhat + dingy, but it always recalls to me the beautiful evenings in June, now + vanished, the delicious intoxication of that springtime of long ago. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0064" id="link2HCH0064"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LXXIV. + </h2> + <p> + Those Thursdays at Limoise when the fierce heat of the noon-day sun + overwhelmed everything, and the country side lay asleep and silent under + its pitiless rays, it was my habit to clamber up to the top of the old + wall that enclosed the garden, and there I sat astride and immovable for a + long time. The branching ivy reached to my shoulders and innumerable flies + and locusts buzzed around me. From the height of this observatory I had a + view of the hot and lonely region lying beyond, of the moorland and + woodland, and from there I saw a thin white veil of mist that was agitated + ceaselessly by the waves of heat, as the surface of a tiny lake is ruffled + by the least wind. Those horizons seen from Limoise still had for me the + strange mystery I had endowed them with in the first summers of my life. + The region visible from the top of the wall was a rather solitary one, and + I tried to make myself believe that the waste land and woodland was a + veritable untrodden country that stretched out indefinitely; and although + I now knew well that about me everywhere there were roads; cultivated + fields, and prosperous villages, I succeeded in clinging to the illusion + that the surrounding country and contiguous lands were wild and primitive. + </p> + <p> + And the better to deceive myself I took care to shut out, by looking + through my fingers folded together spy-glass fashion, all that would have + spoiled for me the impression of loneliness; an old farm house, for + instance, with its bit of cultivated vineyard and smooth road. + </p> + <p> + And there all alone, in that silence murmurous with the buzzing of many + insects, distracted by nothing, always turning my hollowed hand towards + the most desolate portion of the landscape, I succeeded in gaining an + impression of distant, tropical countries. + </p> + <p> + I had impressions of Brazil particularly, but I do not know why in those + moments of contemplation the neighboring forest always suggested that + country to me. + </p> + <p> + In passing I must describe this forest, the first one of all the earth's + forests that I knew, and the one I loved the best: the straight, slim + trunks of the ancient evergreen oaks, of sombre foliage, were like the + columns of a church; not a particle of brush grew under them, but the dry + soil was covered all the year with the most exquisite short grass, soft + and fine as down, and here and there grew furze, dropwort and other rare + flowers that thrive in the shade. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0065" id="link2HCH0065"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LXV. + </h2> + <p> + The Iliad was being explained to us in class,—no doubt I would have + loved it, but our master had made it odious by his analysis, his difficult + tasks and his parrot-like recitals;—but suddenly I stopped, filled + with admiration of a famous line, whose end is musical as the murmur of + the waves of the incoming tide as they spread their sheets of foam upon + the pebbly shore. + </p> + <p> + “Observe,” said the Big Ape, “observe the inceptive harmony.” + </p> + <p> + Zounds! Yes, I had observed it. Little need to take the trouble to point + out such a sentence to me. + </p> + <p> + I also had a great admiration, less justified perhaps, for some lines from + Virgil. + </p> + <p> + Since the beginning of the Ecloque I had, with the greatest interest, + followed the two shepherds as they made their way across the fields of + ancient Rome. I could picture it to myself so vividly, those Roman meadows + of two thousand years ago: hot, a little sterile, with thickets of almost + petrified shrubs, and evergreen oaks like the stony moorland of Limoise, + where I had experienced precisely the pastoral charm that I discovered in + this description of a past time. + </p> + <p> + Onward went the two shepherds, and suddenly, they perceived that their + journey was half over, “because the tomb of Bianor was immediately below + them . . .” Oh! how vividly I saw that tomb of Bianor disclose itself to + their view. Its old stones, that made a white blot on the reddish road, + were covered with tiny sun-scorched plants, wild thyme or marjoram, and + here and there grew stunted dark foliaged shrubs. And the sonority of the + word Bianoris with which the sentence ended suddenly and magically evoked + for me the musical humming of the insects that buzzed around the two + travellers who, upon that bygone day in June, walked onward in the great + silence and serene tranquillity of the hot noon enkindled by a younger + sun. I was no longer in the schoolroom; I was in the meadows with the + shepherds walking with them this radiant summer day through the + sun-scorched flowers and grass of a Roman field,—but still all + seemed softened and vague as if looked at through a telescope that had the + power to draw into its line of vision ages long past. + </p> + <p> + Who knows? Perhaps if the Big Ape could but have divined the causes that + led to my momentary inattention it might have brought about an + understanding between us. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0066" id="link2HCH0066"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LXVI. + </h2> + <p> + One Thursday evening at Limoise, just before the inevitable hour for my + departure, I went up alone to the large, old room on the second floor in + which I slept. First I leaned out of the open window to watch the July sun + sink behind the stony fields and fern heaths that lay towards the sea, + which though very near us was invisible. These sunsets at the end of my + Thursday holidays always overwhelmed me with melancholy. + </p> + <p> + During the last minutes of my stay I felt a desire, one I had never known + before, to rummage in the old Louis XV bookcase that stood near my bed. + There among the volumes in their century-old bindings, where the worms, + never disturbed, slowly bored their galleries, I found a book made of + thick rough old-fashioned paper, and this I opened carelessly. . . . In it + I read, with a thrill of emotion, that from noon until four o'clock in the + afternoon, on the 20th of June, 1813, south of the equator, in longitude + 110 and latitude 15 (between the tropics, consequently, and in the middle + of the South Pacific Ocean) there was fair weather, a beautiful sea, a + fine southeast breeze, and in the sky many little clouds called + “cat-tails,” and that alongside the ship dolphins were passing. + </p> + <p> + He who had seen the dolphins pass, and who had recorded the fugitive cloud + forms had doubtless been dead for many years. I knew that the book was + what is called a ship's log-book, one in which seafaring people write + every day. Its appearance did not strike me as strange, although I had + never before had one in my hand. But for me it was a wonderful and + unexpected experience to thus suddenly come into a knowledge of the aspect + of the sea and sky in the midst of the South Pacific Ocean, at a given + time in a year long past. . . . Oh! for a glimpse of that beautiful and + tranquil sea, of those “cat-tails” that dotted the deep blue arch of the + sky, and of those dolphins that swiftly traversed the lonely southern + waters! + </p> + <p> + In this sailor's life, in this profession so terrifying (a career + forbidden to me), how many delightful things happened! I had never until + this evening realized it with such intensity. + </p> + <p> + The memory of that hasty little reading is the reason why, during my + watches at sea, whenever a helmsman signals a passage of dolphins, I have + always turned my eyes in their direction to watch them; and it has always + given me a peculiar pleasure to note the incident in the log-book, + differing so little from the one in which the sailors of June, 1813, had + written before me. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0067" id="link2HCH0067"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LXVII. + </h2> + <p> + During the vacation that followed, our departure for the south and the + mountains enchanted me more than did my first trip there. + </p> + <p> + As in the preceding summer we started, my sister and I, at the beginning + of August. While it was no longer a journey of adventure, the pleasure of + returning and again finding there all the things that had formerly so + delighted me surpassed the charm of going forth to meet the unknown. + </p> + <p> + Between the point where the railroad ended and the village in which our + cousins lived, in the course of the long carriage ride, our little + coachman, in venturing to take what he supposed a short cut, lost his way, + and he carried us into the most exquisite forest nooks. The weather was + beautiful and radiant. With what joy I saluted the first peasant women + whom I saw walking along with great copper water-jars upon their heads, + and the first swarthy peasants conversing in the well remembered dialect, + how I rejoiced when we rolled along over the blood-colored roads, and when + the mountains junipers came into view. + </p> + <p> + At about noon-time we stopped in a shady valley in a sequestered village + called Veyrac to rest our horses, and we seated ourselves at the foot of a + chestnut tree. There we were attacked by the ducks of the place, the + boldest and most ill bred in the world. They flocked around us in an + unseemly manner, uttering shrill cries and quacking hideously. As we + departed, even after we were in our carriage, these infuriated creatures + followed us; whereupon my sister turned towards them, and with all the + dignity of an old-time traveller outraged by an inhospitable population + exclaimed: “Ducks of Veyrac, be ye accursed!” And for several years I + could not keep a straight face when I remembered the foolish and prolonged + laughter that I indulged in at the time. Above all I cannot think of that + day without regretting the resplendence of the sun and the blue sky, a + resplendence that I never see now. + </p> + <p> + As we drew near we were met on our way at the bridge spanning the river, + by our cousins and the Peyrals. I discovered with pleasure that my little + band was complete. We had all grown taller by several inches; but we found + immediately that we were not otherwise changed, we were still children + ready for the same childish games. + </p> + <p> + At night-fall there was a terrific storm. And while the thunder boomed + around us as if it was bombarding the roof of my uncle's house, and when + all the old stone gargoyles in the village were pouring forth torrents of + water that rushed tumultuously over the black pebbles in the street, we + took refuge, the little Peyrals and I, in the kitchen, and there we made a + racket and joyously danced around in a ring. + </p> + <p> + It was a very large kitchen, furnished in an old-fashioned way with a + perfect arsenal of burnished copper utensils; every variety of pan and + kettle, shining like pieces of armor, hung on the halls in the order of + their size. It was almost dark, and from the moist earth came the fresh + odor one usually smells after a storm, after a summer rain; and through + the thick iron-barred Louis XIII windows the lurid, green lightning + flashed incessantly and blinded us and compelled us, in spite of + ourselves, to close our eyes. We turned round and round like mad beings, + and sang together: “The star of night whose peaceful light.” . . . It was + a sentimental song, never intended for dance music, but we scanned it + drolly and mockingly, and thus made of it an accommodating and tuneful + dance measure. We continued our joyous sport for I do not know how long a + time; we were excited by the noise of the storm and we whirled around like + little dervishes; it was a merry-making in celebration of my return; it + was a fitting way of inaugurating the holidays; it was a defiance to the + Big Ape, and it was an appropriate prologue to the series of expeditions + and childish sports of every kind that were to recommence, with more ardor + than ever, the next day. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0068" id="link2HCH0068"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LXVIII. + </h2> + <p> + The following morning at daybreak when I awoke, a noisy cadence, to which + I was unaccustomed, fell upon my ears; the neighboring weaver had already + commenced, even with the dawn, to work his ancient loom, and the musical + to and fro of its shuttle had roused me. Then after the first drowsy, + dreamy moment I remembered, with overwhelming joy, that I was at my + uncle's in the south; that this was the morning of the first day; that I + had before me the prospect of a whole summer of out-of-door life and + wildest liberty—had August and September, two months that at present + pass as quickly as if they were but two days, but which then seemed of a + fairly respectable duration. With a feeling of rapture, after I had wholly + shaken off my sleep, I came into a full consciousness of myself and the + realities of my life; I felt “joy at my waking.” + </p> + <p> + The preceding winter I had read a story of the Indians of the Great Lakes, + and one thing in it had impressed me so deeply that I always remembered + it: an old Indian chief, whose daughter was pining away because of her + love for a white man, had finally consented to give her to the alien so + that she might once more feel “joy at her waking.” + </p> + <p> + Joy at her waking! Indeed, for some time I had myself noticed that the + moment of waking is always the one in which I had the most distinct and + vivid impression of joy or sorrow; and it is then, at the waking hour, + that one finds it so particularly painful to be without joy; my first + little sorrows and remorses, my anxieties about the future, were the + things that usually obtruded themselves cruelly—however the feeling + of sadness vanished very quickly in those days. + </p> + <p> + At a later time I had very gloomy and sad awakenings. And there are times + now when I have moments of terrifying clearness of vision during which I + seem to see, if I may so express it, into the depths of life; it is at + such moments that life presents itself to me without those pleasing + mirages that during the day still delude me; during those moments I appear + to have a more vivid realization of the rapid flight of the years, the + crumbling away of all that I endeavor to hold to, I almost realize the + final unimaginable nothingness, I see the bottomless pit of death, near at + hand, no longer in any way disguised. + </p> + <p> + But that morning I had a joyful awaking, and unable to remain quietly in + bed, I rose immediately. So impatient was I to be out that I scarcely took + time to ask myself where I should begin my first day's round of visits. + </p> + <p> + I had all the nooks and corners of the village to see again, the gothic + ramparts and the lovely river; and my uncle's garden to revisit, where + probably, since last year, the rarest butterflies had become domiciled. I + had visits to make to the ancient and curious houses in the neighborhood, + where lived all the kind old women who, in the past summer, had lavished + upon me their most luscious grapes as if they were my feudal due;—there + was in particular a certain Madame Jeanne, a rich old peasant, who had + taken so great a fancy to me that she liked to humor my every whim, and + who, for my amusement, every time she passed on her way, like Nausicaa, + from the washing-place, looked comically out of the corner of her eyes + towards my uncle's house. And, too, there were the surrounding vineyards, + and woods, and mountain paths; and beyond, Castelnau, rearing its + battlements and towers above the pedestal of chestnuts and oak trees, + called me to its ruins! Where should I run first, and how could I ever + weary of so beautiful a land! + </p> + <p> + The sea, to which I was now scarcely ever taken, was for the moment + completely forgotten. + </p> + <p> + After these two happy months school was to re-open. I could not bear to + think of it, but its monotony would be broken by a great event, the return + of my brother. His four years were not quite completed; but we knew that + he had already left the “mysterious island,” and we expected him to arrive + home in October. For me it would be like becoming acquainted with a + stranger. I was somewhat anxious to know whether he would love me when he + met me, if he would approve of a thousand little things I did,—how, + for instance, my way of playing Beethoven would please him. + </p> + <p> + I thought constantly of his approaching arrival; I was so overjoyed, and I + anticipated with so keen a delight the change his coming would make in my + life, that I did not feel a particle of the melancholy which usually beset + me in the autumn. + </p> + <p> + I meant to consult him about a thousand troublous matters, to confide to + him all my anguish and uncertainty in regard to the future; I knew also + that my parents depended upon him to give them definite advice about me, + and expected him to direct me towards a scientific career: that was the + one dark spot upon his return. + </p> + <p> + Awaiting his dread decision, I threw aside all care and amused myself as + gayly as possible; I put even less restraint than usual upon myself during + the vacation which I regarded as likely to be the very last of my + childhood. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0069" id="link2HCH0069"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LXIX. + </h2> + <p> + After the noon dinner it was the custom in my uncle's house to sit for an + hour or two in the entry-way of the house, that vestibule inlaid with + flagstones and ornamented with a large, burnished, copper fountain, for it + was the coolest place during the heated period of the day. Here it was + almost dark, for everything was closed; two or three rays of sunshine, in + whose light the flies danced, filtered in through the cracks of the + massive Louis XIII door. In the silent village no one was astir, and one + heard there only the everlasting clucking of the hens,—all other + living creatures seemed asleep. + </p> + <p> + I, however, did not remain long in the cool vestibule. The bright sunshine + lured me out; and, too, scarcely had I installed myself there in the + circle before I heard a knocking at the street door: the three little + Peyrals had come to fetch me, and to apprise me of their presence they + lifted the old iron knocker that was hot enough to burn their fingers. + </p> + <p> + Then with hats pulled over our eyes and equipped with hammers, staffs and + butterfly-nets we would start out in search of new adventures. First we + passed through the narrow gothic streets paved with pebbles, then we + struck into the paths that lay just beyond the village, paths that were + always covered with wheat-chaff that got into our shoes, and into which we + sank ankle deep; finally we reached the open country, the vineyards, and + the roads that led to the woods, or better still those that brought us to + the river which we forded by means of the flower-covered islets. + </p> + <p> + This wild liberty was a complete avengement for the monotony of my cribbed + and cabined home life, ever the same all the year through; but I still + lacked the companionship of little boys of my own age, I needed to clash + with them,—and, too, this freedom lasted only a couple of months. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0070" id="link2HCH0070"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LXX. + </h2> + <p> + One day I had a great desire, wherefore I do not know, unless out of pure + bravado and the spirit of perversity, to do something unseemly. After + having searched all of one morning for this something I found it. + </p> + <p> + It is well known that the swarms of flies which one finds in the south + during the summer, and which contaminate everything are a veritable + plague. I knew that there was a trap set for them in the middle of my + uncle's kitchen. It was a treacherous pipe of a special shape, at the + bottom of which, in the soapy pan of water there, the flies were + invariably drowned. Now on the particular day in which I felt so devilish + I bethought me of that disgusting blackish mass at the bottom of the + vessel, made up of the thousands of flies drowned during the past two or + three days, and I wondered what sort of toothsome dish I should make of + it, a pancake, perhaps, or better still, an omelette. + </p> + <p> + Quickly and nervously, and with a loathing that almost made me vomit, I + poured the pasty black mass into a plate and carried it to the house of + old Madame Jeanne, the only one in the world willing to do anything and + everything for me. + </p> + <p> + “A fly omelette! To be sure! Why not! That is very simple!” she exclaimed. + She went immediately to the fire with a frying pan and some eggs. She gave + the unclean mess a good preliminary beating, and then she placed it on her + high and ancient fireplace. As I watched her procedure I was dismayed and + surprised at myself. + </p> + <p> + But the three little Peyrals, whom I had met unexpectedly, went into such + ecstasies over my idea, a thing they always did, that I was fortified; and + when the omelette, at just the right time, was turned out hot upon a plate + we started forth triumphantly to carry the exhibit home to show to our + families. We formed a procession in the order of our respective heights, + and as we marched we sang, “The Star of Night” in voices loud and hoarse + enough to summon the devil to earth. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0071" id="link2HCH0071"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LXXI. + </h2> + <p> + In the mountains the end of summer was always a beautiful season, for the + meadows lying at the foot of the hillside forests, already yellow, were + purple with crocuses. Then, too, the vintage commenced and lasted for + about fifteen days,—days of enchantment for us. + </p> + <p> + We now spent most of our time in the shady nooks of the woods and meadows + in the neighborhood of the Peyral vineyards; there we had play-dinners + consisting of candy and fruits. We would spread out on the grass what we + considered a most elegant cloth, and this we decorated, after the old + fashion, with garlands of flowers, and we put on it plates made of yellow + and red vine leaves. The vintagers brought us the most luscious grapes, + bunches chosen from among a thousand; and, with the heat of the sun to + aid, we sometimes became a little tipsy, not, however, made so by sweet + wine, for we had drunk none, but by the juice of the grapes merely, in the + self-same fashion as did the wasps and flies that warmed themselves upon + the trellises. . . . + </p> + <p> + One morning at the end of September, when the weather was rainy and it was + chilly enough for me to realize that melancholy autumn was near at hand, I + was attracted into the kitchen by the bright wood fire that leaped gayly + in the high, old-fashioned chimney-place. And as I stood there, idle and + out of sorts, because of the rain, I amused myself by melting a pewter + plate and plunging it, in its liquid state, into a pail of water. + </p> + <p> + The result was a shapeless, bright, and silvery-gray lump which very much + resembled silver-ore. I looked at the mass thoughtfully for some time: an + idea germinated, and there and then I planned a new amusement which became + our most delightful pastime during those last days of vacation. + </p> + <p> + That same evening we held a conference on the steps of the great stairway, + and I told the Peyrals that from the aspect of the soil and the plants I + had come to the conclusion that there were silver mines in this part of + the country. As I spoke I assumed the knowing and bold airs of one of + those venturesome scouts, who is usually the principal personage in + old-fashioned stories of American adventure. + </p> + <p> + Searching for mines fell well into line with the abilities of my little + band, for often, armed with pick and shovel, they had set out to discover + fossils or rare stones. + </p> + <p> + The next day, therefore, half way up the mountain, when we arrived at a + path chosen by me for its appropriateness, for it was lonely and + mysterious, shut in by forest trees and embedded between high, moss-grown, + rocky banks, I stopped my little band peremptorily, as if I were endowed + with the keen scent of an Indian chief. I pretended that I had here + recognized the presence of precious ore-beds; and, in truth, when we dug + in the place I indicated we found the first nuggets, the melted plate that + I had buried there the day before. + </p> + <p> + These mines occupied us constantly until the end of my stay. The Peyrals + were convinced and full of amazement, and although I spent some time each + morning in the kitchen melting plates and covers to feed our vein of + silver, I very nearly deluded myself into believing in the reality of the + mine. + </p> + <p> + The isolated silent spot, so exquisitely beautiful, where these + excavations took place, and the melancholy but enchanting serenity of the + end of summer, gave a rare charm to our little dream of adventure. We + were, however, most amusingly secret and mysterious in regard to our + discovery; we considered it a tribal secret, and we cherished it as such. + </p> + <p> + Our riches, mixed in with some of the red mountain soil, we hoarded in an + old trunk in my uncle's attic as if the latter were an Ali Baba's cave. + </p> + <p> + We pledged ourselves to leave it there during the winter, until the next + vacation, at which time we counted on making additions to our treasure. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0072" id="link2HCH0072"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LXXII. + </h2> + <p> + In the first week of October we received a joyous telegram from our father + bidding us leave for home as speedily as possible. My brother, who was + returning to Europe by a packet-boat on its way from Panama, was to + disembark at Southampton; we had but just time to reach home if we wished + to be there to welcome him. + </p> + <p> + We arrived the evening of the third day just in time, for my brother was + expected a few hours later on the night train. I had barely time to put + into his room, in their accustomed places, the various little trinkets + that he had four years previously confided to my care, before the hour set + for our departure to the station to meet him. To me his return, announced + so unexpectedly, did not seem a reality, and I was so excited that for two + nights I scarcely slept at all. + </p> + <p> + This is why, in spite of my impatience to see my brother, I fell asleep at + the station; when he appeared it seemed a sort of dream to me. I embraced + him timidly, for he was very different from my mental image of him. He was + bronzed and bearded, his manner of speech was more rapid, and, with a + slightly smiling, slightly anxious expression, he regarded me fixedly, as + if to ascertain what the years had done for me, and to deduce from that + what my future was to be. + </p> + <p> + When I returned home I fell asleep standing; it wad the dead sleepiness of + a child fatigued by a long journey, against which it is futile to + struggle, and I was carried to my bed. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0073" id="link2HCH0073"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LXXIII. + </h2> + <p> + I awaked the following morning with a feeling of joyousness that + penetrated to the very depths of my being, and as I remembered the cause + for my happiness my eyes fell upon an extraordinary object standing on a + table in my room. It was evidently a very slim canoe with a balance beam + and sails. Then my gaze encountered other unfamiliar objects scattered + about: necklaces of shells strung on human hair, head-dresses of feathers, + ornaments appertaining to a dark and primitive savagery; it was as if + distant Polynesia had come to me during my sleep. My brother, it seems had + already begun to open his cases, and while I slept he had slipped + noiselessly into my room and grouped around me these ornaments intended + for my museum. + </p> + <p> + I jumped out of bed quickly so that I might go and find him, for I had + scarcely seen him the evening before. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0074" id="link2HCH0074"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LXXIV. + </h2> + <p> + And it seems I hardly saw him during those hurried weeks that he spent + with us. Of that period, which lasted so short a time, I have very + confused visions, similar to those one has of things seen during a rapid + journey. I remember vaguely that we lived more gayly, and that his + presence among us brought many young people to our house. I remember also + that he seemed at times to be preoccupied and absorbed by things entirely + outside the family sphere; perhaps he had longings for the tropics, for + the “delicious island,” or it may be he dreaded his early departure. + </p> + <p> + Sometimes I held him captive near the piano by playing for him the + haunting music of Chopin which I had but just begun to understand. He was + disquieted however by my playing, and he said that Chopin's music was too + exuberant and at the same time too enervating for me. He had come among us + so recently that he was better able to judge of me than were the others, + and he realized perhaps that my intellect was in danger of becoming warped + through the nature of the artistic and intellectual effort it put forth; + no doubt he thought Chopin and the “Donkey's Skin” equally dangerous, and + considered that I was becoming excessively affected and abnormal in spite + of my fits of childish behavior. I am sure that he thought even my + amusements were fanciful and unhealthy. Be that as it may, he one day, to + my great joy, decreed that I should learn to ride horseback, but that was + the only change his coming made in my education. Cowardice prompted me to + defer discussion of those weighty questions appertaining to my future + which I was so anxious to talk over with him; I preferred to take my time, + and, too, I shrunk from making a decision, and thus by my silence I sought + to prolong my childhood. Besides, I did not consider it a pressing matter + after all, inasmuch as he was to be with us for some years. . . . + </p> + <p> + But one fine morning, although we had reckoned so largely on keeping him, + there came news of a higher rank and an order from the naval department + commanding him to start without delay for a distant part of the orient, + where an expedition was organizing. + </p> + <p> + After a few days which were mainly spent in preparing for that unforeseen + campaign he left us as if borne away by a gust of wind. + </p> + <p> + Our adieus were less sad this time, for we did not expect him to be absent + more than two years. . . . In reality it was his eternal farewell to us; + whatever is left of his body lies at the bottom of the Indian Ocean, + towards the middle of the Bay of Bengal. + </p> + <p> + When he had departed, while the noise of the carriage that was bearing him + away could still be heard, my mother turned to me with an expression of + love that touched me to the very innermost fibre of my being; and as she + drew me to her she said with the emphasis of conviction: “Thank God, at + least we shall keep you with us!” + </p> + <p> + Keep me! . . . They would keep me! . . . Oh! . . . I lowered my head and + turned my eyes away, for I could feel that their expression had changed, + had become a little wild. I could not respond to my mother with a word or + a caress. + </p> + <p> + Such a serene confidence upon her part distressed me cruelly, for the + moment in which I heard her say, “We shall keep you,” I understood, for + the first time in my life, what a firm hold on my mind the project of + going away had taken—of going even farther than my brother, of going + everywhere upon the face of the earth. + </p> + <p> + A sea-faring life terrified me, and I relished the idea of it as little as + ever. To a little being like me, so greatly attached to my home, bound to + it by a thousand sweet ties, the very thought of it made my heart bleed. + And besides, how could I break the news of such a decision to my parents, + how give them so much pain and thus flagrantly outrage their wishes! But + to renounce all my plans, always to remain in the same place, to be upon + this earth, and to see nothing of it—what a squalid, disenchanting + future! What was the use to live, what the good of growing up for that? + </p> + <p> + And in that empty parlor with its disordered chairs, one even overturned, + and while I was still under the dark spell of our sad farewells, there + beside my mother, leaning against her with eyes turned away and with soul + overwhelmed with sorrow, I suddenly remembered the old log-book which I + had read at sunset last spring at Limoise. The short sentences written + down upon the old paper with yellow ink came slowly back to me one after + the other with a charm as lulling and perfidious as that exercised by a + magic incantation: + </p> + <p> + “Fair weather . . . beautiful sea . . . light breeze from the south-east . + . . Shoals of dolphins . . . passing to larboard.” + </p> + <p> + And with a shudder of almost religious awe, with pantheistic ecstasy, my + inward eye saw all about me the sad and vast blue splendor of the South + Pacific Ocean. + </p> + <p> + A great calm, tinged with melancholy, fell upon us after my brother's + departure, and to me the days were monotonous in the extreme. + </p> + <p> + They had always thought of sending me to the Polytechnic school, but it + had not been decided upon irrevocably. The wish to become a sailor, which + had obtruded itself upon me almost against my will, charmed and terrified + me in an almost equal degree; I lacked the courage necessary to settle + such a grave matter with myself, and I always hesitated to speak of it. + The upshot was that I decided to reflect over it until my next vacation, + and thus by my irresolution and delay I secured to myself a few more + months of careless childhood. + </p> + <p> + I still led as solitary a life as ever; it was very difficult for me to + change the bent that my mind had taken in spite of my mental distress and + in spite of my latent desire to roam far and wide over the earth. More + than ever I stayed in the house and busied myself painting stage scenery, + and playing Chopin and Beethoven; to all appearances I was tranquil and + deeply absorbed in my dreams, and I became ever more and more attached to + my home, to its every nook and corner, even to the stones in its walls. It + is true that now and again I took a horseback ride, but I always went with + a groom and never with children of my own age—I still had no young + playmates. + </p> + <p> + My second year at college was much less painful than my first; it passed + more quickly, and moreover I had formed an attachment for two of my + classmates, my elders by a year or two, the only ones who had not the + preceding year treated me disdainfully. The thin ice once broken, there + had sprung up between us an ardent and sentimental friendship; we even + called each other by our baptismal names, something that was contrary to + school etiquette. Since we never saw each other except in the schoolroom, + we were obliged to communicate in mysterious whispers under the teacher's + eye, our relations, consequently, were inalterably courteous and did not + resemble the ordinary friendship between boys. I loved them with all my + heart; I would have allowed myself to be cut into bits for them; and, in + all sincerity, I imagined that this affection would endure throughout my + life. + </p> + <p> + My excessive exclusiveness caused me to treat the others in the class with + great indifference and haughtiness; still a certain superficial self, + necessary for social purposes, had already begun to take shallow root, and + I knew better now how to remain on good terms with them, and at the same + time to keep my true self hidden from them. + </p> + <p> + I generally contrived to sit between my two friends, Andre and Paul. If, + however, we were separated we continually and slyly exchanged notes + written in a cipher to which we alone had the key. + </p> + <p> + These letters were always love confidences: “I have seen her to-day; she + wore a blue dress trimmed with gray fur, and she had a lark's wing on her + turban, etc.”—For we had chosen sweethearts who became the subject + of our very poetical prattle. + </p> + <p> + Something of the ridiculous and whimsical invariably marks this transition + age in a boy's life, and for that reason I have thought it worth while to + transcribe the boyish note. + </p> + <p> + Before going further I wish to say that my transition periods have lasted + longer than do those of the majority of men, and during them I have been + carried from one extreme to another; and, too they have caused me to touch + all the perilous rocks along life's way,—I am also fully conscious + of the fact that until almost my twenty-fifth year I had eccentric and + absurd manners. . . . + </p> + <p> + But now I will continue with my confidences respecting our three love + affairs. + </p> + <p> + Andre was ardently in love with a young lady almost six years older than + himself who had already been introduced into society,—I believe that + his affair was a case of real and deep affection. + </p> + <p> + I had chosen Jeanne for my sweetheart, and my two friends were the only + beings who knew my secret. To do as they did, although I considered it a + little silly, I wrote her name in cipher on the covers of my copy-books; + in every way and manner I sought to persuade myself of the ardor of my + passion, but I am bound to admit that the whole thing was a little + artificial, for the amusing coquetry that Jeanne and I had indulged in + early in our acquaintance had developed into a true and great friendship, + a hereditary friendship I may call it, a continuation of that felt by our + ancestors long before our birth. No, my first real love, of which I will + soon speak, was for a being seen in a dream. + </p> + <p> + As for Paul—alas! His heart affair was very shocking to me, for it + did particular violence to the ideas that I then had. He was in love with + a little shop-girl who worked in a perfumery store, and on his Sunday + holidays he gazed at her through the show-case window. It is true that she + was named Stella or Olympia, and that raised her somewhat in my esteem; + and, too, Paul took pains to surround his love with an ethereal and poetic + atmosphere in order to make it more acceptable to us. At the bottom of his + cipher notes he constantly wrote, for our benefit, the sweetest rhymed + verses dedicated to her, wherein her name, ending in “a,” recurred again + and again, like the perfume of musk. + </p> + <p> + In spite of my great affection for him I could not but smile pityingly + over his poetic effusions. And I think that it is partly because of them + that I have never, at any epoch in my life, had the least inclination to + write a single line of verse. My notes were always written in a wild and + free prose that outraged every rule. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0075" id="link2HCH0075"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LXXVI. + </h2> + <p> + Paul knew by heart many verses of a forbidden poet named Alfred de Musset. + The strange quality of these verses troubled me, and yet I was fascinated + by them. In class he would whisper them, in a scarcely perceptible voice, + into my ear; and although my conscience accused me, I used to allow him to + begin: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Jacque was very quiet as he looked at Marie, + I know not what that sleeping maiden + Had of mystery in her features, the noblest ever seen. +</pre> + <p> + In my brother's study, where from time to time, when I was overwhelmed + with sorrow over his departure, I isolated myself, I had seen on a shelf + in his book-case a large volume of this poet's works, and often I had been + tempted to take it down; but my parents had said to me: “You are not to + touch any of the books that are there without permission from us,” and my + conscience always gave me pause. + </p> + <p> + As to asking for permission, I knew only too well that my request would be + refused. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0076" id="link2HCH0076"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LXXVII. + </h2> + <p> + I will here recount a dream that I had in my fourteenth year. It came to + me during one of those mild and sweet nights that are ushered in by a long + and delicious twilight. + </p> + <p> + In the room where I had spent all the years of my childhood I had been + lulled to sleep by the sound of songs that the sailors and young girls + sang as they danced around the flower-twined May-pole. Until the moment of + deep sleep I had listened to those very old national airs which the + children of the people were singing in a loud, free voice, but distance + softened and mellowed and poetized the voices as they traversed the + tranquil silence; strangely enough I had been soothed by the noisy mirth + and overflowing joyousness of these beings who, during their fleeting + youth, are so much more artless than we, and more oblivious of death. + </p> + <p> + In my dream it was twilight, not a sad one however, but on the contrary, + the air was soft and mild and overflowing with sweet odors like that of a + real May night. I was in the yard of our house, the aspect of which was + not changed in any particular, but as I walked beside the walls all abloom + with jasmine, honeysuckle and roses, I felt restless and troubled as if I + was seeking for some unnamable something; I seemed to have a consciousness + that someone, whom I wished ardently to see, awaited my coming; I felt as + if there was about to happen to me something so strange and wonderful as + to intoxicate me by its very advance. + </p> + <p> + At a spot where grew a very old rosebush, one that had been planted by an + ancestor and for that reason guarded sacredly, although it did not bear + more than one rose in two or three years, I saw a young girl standing + motionless with a seductive and mysterious smile upon her lips. + </p> + <p> + The twilight became a little deeper, the air more languorous. + </p> + <p> + Everywhere it became darker; but about her shone a sort of indeterminate + light, like that coming from a reflector, and her figure outlined itself + clearly against the shadows in the background. + </p> + <p> + I guessed that she was very beautiful and young; but her forehead and her + eyes were hidden from me by the veil of night; indeed, I could see nothing + very distinctly except the exquisite oval of her lower face, and her mouth + which was parted smilingly. She leaned against the old flowerless + rosebush, almost in its branches. Night came on rapidly. The girl seemed + perfectly at home in the garden; she had come I knew not from where, for + there was no door by which she could have entered; she appeared to find it + as natural to be here as I found it natural to find her here. + </p> + <p> + I drew very close in order to get a glimpse of her eyes which puzzled me; + suddenly, in spite of the darkness that became ever thicker, I saw them + very distinctly; they also were smiling like the lips;—and they were + not just any impersonal eyes, such, for instance, as may be found in a + statue representing youth; no, on the contrary they were very particularly + somebody's eyes; more and more they impressed me as belonging to someone + already much beloved whom I, with transports of infinite joy and + tenderness had found again. + </p> + <p> + I waked from sleep with a start, and as I did so I sought to retain the + phantom being who faded away and became more and more intangible and + unreal, in proportion as my mind grew clearer through the effort it made + to remember. Could it be possible that she was not and had never been more + than a vision? Had nothingness re-engulfed and forever effaced her? I + longed to sleep again so that I might see her; the thought that she was an + illusion, nothing more than the figment of a dream, caused me great + dejection and almost overwhelmed me with hopelessness. + </p> + <p> + And it took me a very long time to forget her; I loved her, loved her + tenderly, and the thought of her always stirred into life an emotion that + was sweet but sad; and during those moments everything unconnected with + her seemed colorless and worthless. It was love, true love with all its + great melancholy and deep mystery, with its overwhelming but sad + enchantment, love that, like a perfume, endows with a fragrance all it + touches; and that corner of the garden where she had appeared to me and + the old flowerless rosebush that had clasped her in its branches awakened + in me, because of her, agonizing but delicious memories. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0077" id="link2HCH0077"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LXXVIII. + </h2> + <p> + And again came radiant June. It was evening, the exquisite hour of + twilight. I was alone in my brother's study where I had been for some + time; the window was opened wide to a sky all golden and pink, and I stood + beside it and listened to the martins uttering their shrill cries as they + circled and darted above the old roofs. + </p> + <p> + No one knew that I was there, and never before had I felt so isolated at + the top of the house, nor more tempted by the unknown. + </p> + <p> + With a beating heart I opened a volume of De Musset's poems: his Don Paez. + </p> + <p> + The first phrases were as musical and rhythmical as if sung by a seductive + golden-voiced siren: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Black eyebrows, snow-white hands, and to indicate the tinyness + Of her feet, I need only say she was an Andalusian countess. +</pre> + <p> + That spring night when the darkness fell about me, when my eyes, although + never so close to the book, could no longer distinguish anything of the + enchanting verses save rows of little lines that showed gray against the + white of the page, I went out into the town alone. + </p> + <p> + In the almost deserted streets, not yet lighted, the rows of linden and + acacia trees all abloom, deepened the shadows and perfumed the air with + their heavy fragrance. I pulled my felt hat over my eyes and, like Don + Paez, I strode along with a light supple step, and looked up at balconies + and indulged in I know not what little childish dreams of Spanish + twilights and Andalusian serenades. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0078" id="link2HCH0078"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LXXIX. + </h2> + <p> + Vacation came again, and for the third time we took the journey to the + South, and there in the glorious August and September sunshine all passed + off in the same fashion as during preceding summers; the same games with + my loyal band, the expeditions to the vineyards and mountains; in the + ruins of Castelnau, the same brooding over mediaeval times, and, in the + sequestered woodland path where we had struck our vein of silver, we still + eagerly turned up the red soil, putting on meantime the airs of bold + adventurers,—the little Peyrals, however, no longer believed in the + mines. + </p> + <p> + These beginnings of summer, always so alike, deluded me into thinking that + in spite of my occasional fears my childhood would be indefinitely + prolonged; but I no longer felt “joy at waking;” a sort of disquietude, + such as oppresses one when he has left his duty undone, weighed upon me + more and more heavily each morning when I thought that time was flying, + that the vacation would soon be over, and that I still lacked the courage + to come to a decision in regard to my future. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0079" id="link2HCH0079"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LXXX. + </h2> + <p> + And one day, when September was more than half over, I realized, because + of the particularly torturing anxiety I felt when I waked, that I must no + longer defer the matter—the term which I had allotted to myself was + over. + </p> + <p> + In my heart of hearts I had more than half determined what my decision was + to be; but before it could be rendered effective it was necessary for me + to avow it, and I promised myself that the day should not pass away + without my having, as courageously as possible, accomplished that task. It + was my intention to first confide in my brother; for although I feared + that in the beginning he would oppose me with all his power, I hoped that + he would finally take my part and help me carry the day. + </p> + <p> + Therefore, after the mid-day dinner, when the sun was hottest, I carried + my pen and paper into my uncle's garden, and I locked myself in there for + the purpose of writing my letter. It was one of my boyhood habits to study + or write in the open air, and often I chose the most singular places—tree-tops + or the roof—for my work. + </p> + <p> + It was a hot and cloudless September afternoon. The old garden, silent and + melancholy as ever, gave me, strangely enough, more than the customary + feeling of regret that I was so far away from my mother, that all of + summer would pass without my seeing my home and the flowers in the beloved + little yard. And then, too, what I was upon the point of writing would + result in separating me farther from all that I loved, and for that reason + I felt extraordinarily sad. It seemed to me that there was something a + little funereal in the air of the garden, as if the walls, the plum trees, + the vine-covered bower, even the very alfalfa fields beyond the garden, + were vitally interested in this, the first grave act of my life which was + about to take place under their eyes. + </p> + <p> + For the purpose of writing I hesitated between two or three places, all + blazing hot and almost shadeless. It was my way of gaining time, an + attempt to delay writing that letter which, with the ideas I then had, + would render my decision, once I had announced it, irrevocable. The + sun-baked earth was already strewn with red vine branches and withered + leaves; the holly-hocks and dahlias, grown tall as trees, had a few meagre + blossoms at the tops of their long stalks; the blazing sun perfected and + turned to gold the musk-scented grapes that always ripened a little late; + but in spite of the excessive heat and the exquisite limpid blue of the + sky one felt that summer was over. + </p> + <p> + I finally selected the arbor at the end of the garden for my purpose. Its + vines were stripped of their leaves, but the steel-blue butterflies and + the wasps still came and posted themselves upon the tendrils of the + grape-vines. + </p> + <p> + There in the calm and tranquil solitude, in the summer-like silence filled + with the musical chirp of insects, I wrote and timidly signed my compact + with the sea. + </p> + <p> + Of the letter itself I remember very little; but I recall distinctly the + emotion with which I enclosed it in its envelope—I felt as if I had + forever sealed my destiny. + </p> + <p> + After a few moments of deep reverie I wrote the address—my brother's + name and the name of a country in the far Orient where he then was—on + the envelope. There was now nothing more to do save to take it to the + village post-office; but I remained seated there in the arbor for a long + time in a dreamy mood. I leaned against the warm wall where the lizards + ran back and forth, and held upon my knees, with a feeling of uncertainty + and dismay, the little square of paper wherein I had settled my future. + Then I was seized with a longing to look towards the horizon, to have a + glimpse of the great spaces beyond the garden; and I put my foot into the + familiar breach in the wall by means of which I often mounted, in order to + watch the flight of elusive butterflies, and, with the aid of my hands, I + raised myself to the top of the wall and leaned there propped up by my + elbows. The same well-known prospect greeted me: the hillsides covered + with red vines, the wooded mountains whose trees were rapidly being + stripped of their yellow leaves, and above, perched high, the noble + reddish-brown ruin of Castelnau. And in the nearer distance was Bories + with its old rounded porch white with lime-wash; and as I looked at it I + seemed to hear the plaintive refrain: “Ah! Ah! the good, good story!” sung + in a strange voice, and at the same time there appeared to me the vision + of the pinkish-yellow butterfly which two years before I had pricked with + a pin, and placed under glass in my little museum. + </p> + <p> + It drew near the hour for the ancient country diligence, that took the + letters away from the village, to depart, and I scrambled down from the + wall, and after locking the garden gate, I slowly directed my steps + towards the post-office. + </p> + <p> + Like one with eyes fixed upon a vision, I walked along without taking + notice of anything or any one. My spirit was wandering far away, in the + fern-carpeted forests of the delicious isle, along the sands of gloomy + Senegal where had lived the uncle who had interested himself in my museum, + and across the South Pacific Ocean where the dolphins were passing. + </p> + <p> + The assured nearness and certainty of these things intoxicated me; for the + first time in my existence the world and life seemed to open before me; my + way was illuminated by a light altogether new to it: it is true the light + was a little mournful, a little sad, but it was powerful nevertheless, and + penetrated to the far distant horizon where lie old age and death. + </p> + <p> + Many little childish images obtruded themselves from time to time into my + lofty dream; I saw myself in a sailor's uniform walking upon the + sun-blistered quays of tropical lands; and I prefigured my home-comings, + after perilous voyages, bringing with me cases filled to the brim with + wonderful things out of which cockroaches escaped as they had done + formerly in Jeanne's garden when her father's boxes were unpacked. + </p> + <p> + But suddenly a pang went through my heart: those returns from distant + countries could not take place for many years—the faces welcoming me + home would be changed by time! Instantly I pictured those beloved faces to + myself; in a wan vision I saw them all together. Although its members + received me with smiles of joyous welcome, it was a sad group to look + upon, for wrinkles seamed every brow, and my mother had white curls such + as she has to-day. And my great aunt Bertha, already so old, would she, + too, be there? With a sort of uneasiness, I was rapidly making a + calculation of my aunt Bertha's age when I arrived at the post-office. + </p> + <p> + I did not hesitate, however; with a hand that trembled only a little I + slipped my letter into the box, and the die was cast. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0080" id="link2HCH0080"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LXXXI. + </h2> + <p> + I will end these reminiscences here, because what follows is not yet + distant enough from me to be submitted to the unknown reader. And besides + it seems to me that my childhood really came to an end upon the day in + which I announced my decision in regard to my future. + </p> + <p> + I was then fourteen and a half years of age, and that gave me, therefore, + three years and a half in which to prepare myself for the naval academy, + consequently I had time to do it thoroughly and properly. + </p> + <p> + But in the meantime I had to encounter many refusals and all sorts of + difficulties before my admittance to the Borda. And later I lived through + many troublous years; years replete with struggles and mistakes,—I + had many a Calvary to climb; I had to pay cruelly and in full for having + been reared a sensitive, shy little creature, by force of will I had to + recast and harden my physical as well as my moral being. One day, when I + was about twenty-seven years of age, a circus director, after having seen + my muscles that then had the elasticity and strength of steel, gave + utterance, in his admiration, to the truest words I have ever had + addressed to me: “What a pity, sir,” he said, “that your education + commenced so late!” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0081" id="link2HCH0081"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LXXXII. + </h2> + <p> + My sister and I had expected to visit the mountains again the next summer. + </p> + <p> + But Azrael passed our way; terrible and unexpected misfortunes disrupted + our tranquil and happy family life. + </p> + <p> + And it was not until fifteen years later, after I had been over the + greater part of the earth, that I revisited this corner of France. + </p> + <p> + All was greatly changed there; my uncle and aunt slept in the graveyard; + my boy cousins had left, and my girl cousin, who already had threads of + silver among her dark locks, was preparing to quit this part of the + country forever, this empty house in which she did not wish to live alone; + and the Titi and the Marciette (whose names were no longer prefaced by the + article) had grown into tall young ladies whom I would not have + recognized. + </p> + <p> + Between two long voyages, in a hurry as always, my life hastening + feverishly upon its way, in remembrance of bygone days, I made this + pilgrimage to my uncle's house to see it once more, and for the last time, + before it was delivered into the hands of strangers. + </p> + <p> + It was in November, and the cold gray sky completely changed the aspect of + the country, which I had never seen before except under the glorious + summer sun. + </p> + <p> + After spending my only morning in revisiting a thousand places, my + melancholy ever augmented by the lowering winter clouds, I found that I + had forgotten the old garden and the vine-clad arbor in whose meagre shade + I had come to so momentous a decision, and I wished to run there, at the + last moment, before my carriage took me away from this spot forever. + </p> + <p> + “You will have to go alone,” said my cousin, who was busy packing her + trunks. She gave me the large key, the same large key that I carried in + the warm and radiant days of old when I went there, net in hand, to catch + the butterflies . . . oh! the summers of my childhood, how marvellous and + how enchanting they were! + </p> + <p> + For the last time of all, I entered the garden, which under the gray sky + appeared shrunken to me. I went first to the arbor, now leafless and + desolate, in which I had written the portentous letter to my brother, and, + by means of the same breach in the wall that had served me in days gone + by, I lifted myself to the coping to get a hasty glimpse of the + surrounding country, to bid it a last farewell. Bories looked singularly + near and small to me, it was almost unrecognizably so, and the mountains + beyond seemed diminished also, appeared no higher than little hills. And + all of these things that formerly I had seen flooded with sunlight, now + looked dull and sinister in the wan, gray November light, and under the + dark and wintry clouds. I felt as if with the commencement of nature's + autumn, my life's autumn had also dawned. + </p> + <p> + And the world, the world which I had thought so immense and so full of + wonder and charm the day that I leaned on this same wall, after I had made + my decision,—the whole wide world, did it not look as faded and + shrunken to me now as this poor landscape? + </p> + <p> + And especially Bories, that under the autumnal sky looked like a phantom + of itself, filled me with the deepest sadness. + </p> + <p> + As I gazed at it I recalled the pinkish-yellow butterfly still under its + glass in my museum; it had remained there in the same spot, and had + preserved its fresh bright hues during the time that I had sailed all + round the globe. For many years I had not thought of the association + between the two things; but as soon as I remembered the yellow butterfly, + which was recalled to my mind by Bories, I heard a small voice within me + sing over and over, very softly: “Ah! Ah! the good, good story!” . . . The + little voice was strange and flute-like, but above all it was sad, sad + enough for tears, sad enough to sing over the tomb where lie buried the + vanished years and dead summers. + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Story of a Child, by Pierre Loti + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE STORY OF A CHILD *** + +***** This file should be named 6664-h.htm or 6664-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/6/6/6/6664/ + +Produced by Dagny; John Bickers; David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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