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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..49bdeaf --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #66244 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/66244) diff --git a/old/66244-0.txt b/old/66244-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 3bcd2b5..0000000 --- a/old/66244-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1994 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of Blessed Event, by Charles F. Myers - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: Blessed Event - -Author: Charles F. Myers - -Release Date: September 8, 2021 [eBook #66244] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -Produced by: Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online Distributed - Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BLESSED EVENT *** - - - - - BLESSED EVENT - - By Charles F. Myers - - He was the millionth quadrillionth baby to - be born on Earth. Naturally the event had to be - celebrated. And it was--in a devastating manner! - - [Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from - Imagination Stories of Science and Fantasy - February 1954 - Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that - the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.] - - -Ginny stood anxiously in the kitchen doorway, wiping her hands on the -hem of her apron. - -"You shouldn't upset the boy by yelling at him, Lester," she said. "I -know you're worried, but...." - -"He upsets me, doesn't he?" Lester said defensively. He sat in the -lounge chair by the window, and the light from the reading lamp, -slanting across his face, sketched in the lines of consternation -with dark shadows. "Just look at that class paper!" he exploded. -"'Excellent,' it says. That's four 'excellents' already this month!" - -"I know," Ginny said quietly. "I saw it when he brought it home this -afternoon." Her blue eyes misted. "He was awfully proud." - -"The worst comment he's ever had was a 'very good,'" Lester said -heedlessly. "If only he'd get a 'poor' once in a while--or even a -'rotten.' But that's too much to hope for." - -"Maybe it's not really as bad as it seems," Ginny said hopefully. "He -said himself that he's weak in spelling." - -"Not weak enough for comfort," Lester said. "That little head of his is -just crammed with brains. Sometimes I look at it and all I can think -of is a stuffed bell pepper!" Suddenly his grey eyes came alight with -inspiration. "Maybe if we cut down on his food--They say in those ads -that if a child is properly undernourished he begins to get sluggish -and...." - -"Lester!" Ginny said, thoroughly shocked. "Of all things!" - -For a moment they were silent, not quite looking at each other. - -"Where did he go?" Ginny asked finally. - -"Into his room," Lester sighed. "To study, no doubt." - -Ginny nodded and moved toward the entrance to the hall. "I'd better see -if he's all right," she said. "You really shouldn't have yelled at him." - -Lester watched broodingly as she left the room. For a moment his gaze -remained darkly fixed, then moved back and down to the toes of his -shoes. He sighed again, and the lines of worry, as though of sheer -exhaustion, relaxed. - -In repose, Lester's face, an average specimen in the galloping run -of the world's faces, was not unpleasant. It was a face that had been -come by honestly, if not spectacularly, in the thirty-one years of its -existence. In total, Lester was a tolerable young man, though one had -the feeling that if he played tennis and wore tennis shorts--neither of -which he did--he would prove a bit knobby in the knee and bowed in the -leg. - -As for Ginny, she was the completely average companion piece to -Lester's average man. Her hair was honey-colored, her features were -regular and her figure, though a trifle fleshier than the dented-fender -types photographed for the magazines, was highly desirable. -Together, Lester and Ginny were, in all but one respect, very nearly -indistinguishable from the millions of other like couples who -predominately inhabit the nation. The single thing that set them apart -from the mob was a marked tendency to shatter like a couple of dropped -crystal goblets at the sight of an 'excellent' on their male child's -class papers. - -This oddness, this single curious distinction, however, was no -indication of mere capriciousness. The root of the trouble was firmly -set in reality, and if its subsequent fruit appeared somewhat eccentric -it was probably because those forces which had dropped the original -seed into the soil of Lester and Ginny's young lives had not made -themselves and their motives clearly understood. It is not, after all, -uncommon for the human animal to fear that which it cannot understand, -and so it was with Lester and Ginny. - - * * * * * - -It all started on the night that young Freddie was born. Preparations -for the little newcomer's arrival (though it was not known then whether -it was to be Frederick or Frederica) had gone apace for several months, -and the doctor and the hospital had been engaged well in advance. -Ginny, according to custom, had been assiduously showered by her -friends with every gadget and garment that any manufacturer, domestic -or foreign, had ever rendered in pink and/or blue. The stage was set, -swept and lighted. The curtain rose. - -It was exactly one minute past three A.M. when Lester raced for -the front door, fell over the overnight bag which had been placed -strategically in the path, picked himself up and hurried outside to -back the Chevy coupe out of the garage and up to the porch. Leaping -out, he hurried back into the house to help Ginny to the car and nearly -collided with her in the doorway. - -"It's all right, Gin!" he said excitedly. "It's all going to be all -right!" - -"I know, dear," Ginny said uncertainly and, picking up the felled bag, -carried it swiftly past him to the car. "Don't forget to lock the door." - -"Now, don't worry, honey," Lester said as he climbed into the car -beside her, "just don't think about it." He started the engine and -began backing toward the street. "Just think how nice it's going to be -to have a baby all our own." - -Ginny put a hand to his sleeve. "I love you, Lester," she murmured, and -let it go at that. - -It was approximately at this point in the proceedings that certain -celestial complications began to set in. As Lester and Ginny sped -toward the hospital, their heads filled with the approaching disaster -of parenthood, they were totally unaware of a distant moiling and -broiling in the night-darkened heavens above them. Humanly earthbound -as they were, their thinking was characteristically horizontal. It -would never in a million years have occurred to them that their real -trouble lay, not ahead of them, but above them. - - * * * * * - -High in those dim and timeless reaches of space without measure -where the fate of mortal man is weighed and judged according to the -individual, a storm of unique and dismaying design was at the moment of -its inception. Like many another event of eventual magnitude it began -with deceptive insignificance. It was merely that Mac, that kindly and -somewhat addled angel, in tallying the lists on the tabulation sheets, -had come on the knowledge that the very next baby, the one due for the -four A.M. shipment, would be the million quadrillionth baby born on -Earth since the beginning of the human race. It was a fact from which -Mac seemed to derive a certain surprised pleasure. Brushing aside an -intervening cloud vapor, he turned to Haywood Veere, his heavenly -coworker, and grinned importantly. - -"Right on the nose, Haywood!" he announced loudly. "The million -quadrillionth baby. What do you think of that?" He twitched his wings -happily. "Makes you feel kind of important, don't it?" - -Haywood remained studiously bent over his dispatch sheets. "I fail to -see why," he said with characteristic dryness. "We can hardly look -on the event as any sort of personal accomplishment. It took all of -humanity all this while to bring it about." - -"But I'm the one that marked it down," Mac said. "And it's you who's -makin' out the papers on him. Probably nobody knows about it except -us." - -"It's probably just as well," Haywood murmured. - -"But it's kind of like an anniversary," Mac insisted. "Don't you see?" -A grin of reminiscence came over his homely face. "Besides, I done my -part, I guess, when I was a mortal. I had a couple of kids--even if -they did both wind up in the pokey." - -At this Haywood glanced up from the cloud bank upon which were spread -the papers. He turned around slowly, holding his wings back with one -hand so that they would not get smudged with ink. He regarded Mac -reflectively. - -"I suppose that's true," he said. "If you want to look at it that way -we can all take a bit of the credit. Even I can." - -Mac's eyes widened with surprise. "But you was never married," he said. -"If you had kids then they was...." - -"I didn't," Haywood put in quickly. "But it still works out. If you -hadn't fathered your children and I hadn't--refrained, so to speak, -this particular baby wouldn't be the million quadrillionth baby at all. -It's curious the way it all works out." - -"Sure it is!" Mac said triumphantly. "You see, it's like I said, a sort -of millstone!" - -"Mile stone," Haywood corrected absently. "I suppose you could regard -the little chap as a sort of anniversary baby at that." - -"You're darned right!" Mac nodded emphatically. "It's like we ought to -do something about it--to kind of celebrate--like when a show house -has fifty thousand customers and the fifty thousandth guy gets a free -ticket or a smoke stand with a naked lady on top." - -"But that's all in the line of advertising," Haywood said primly. -"Crass commercialism." - -"And what's wrong with advertising about babies?" Mac asked. "Babies -are the best darned product in the world. It's about time something was -done to stimulate trade, I guess." - -"Well, I really doubt ..." Haywood began. - -"You never was a father," Mac broke in elegantly. "It's a very -broadening experience, even when your kids turn out to be brats." - -"But don't you think," Haywood mused, "that it's rather been taken care -of--the stimulation part of it, I mean?" - -"Not near enough," Mac said firmly, "not when there are guys like you -who get left out." - - * * * * * - -An introspective look came into Haywood's intelligent eyes. "Perhaps -you're right," he said quietly. "Working here in the dispatching office -has given me pause to think from time to time." He tapped his slender -fingers soundlessly on the cloud bank, producing a series of delicately -swirled vapors. "But we haven't any free tickets or smoke stands with -naked ladies to give away--and no way to give them, even if we had." - -"Then we'll have to give something else," Mac said solemnly. "Something -like it's not something you can touch and pick up, but something like -maybe these people can just think about it and it will make them happy." - -Haywood nodded. "You mean something more of a spiritual order." - -"Yeah. I guess that's it." - -For a moment the two of them were thoughtfully silent. Presently -Haywood stopped drumming his fingers. - -"How would it be," he said, "if we made their baby a very special baby -in some way? All parents are fond of the notion that their first child -is the most extraordinary child ever born. Suppose we find some way to -make this anniversary baby really unusual?" - -"Why sure!" Mac said jubilantly. "That's it! I always said you had -brains, Haywood." - -"Thank you, Mac," Haywood said uncertainly. "But what special quality -shall we give this child? Can you think of anything?" - -For a moment they stared at each other blankly. Mac twitched a wing. - -"How about three hands?" he asked. "People are always saying how they -wished they had three hands. It would make the kid a big help around -the house." - -"You've been away from Earth too long, Mac," Haywood said gently. "You -know how unpleasant people can be to freaks." - -"Oh, yeah," Mac said deflatedly. "I forgot." - -"I don't think a physical difference is wise," Haywood went on. "I -think something more from within would be better. Mortals are always -wishing to be completely good and honest. At least they pray about it a -good deal...." - -Mac shook his head. "You can't be too good or too honest down there, -Haywood. Sometimes it turns into a vice. Besides, people get suspicious -and make things very hard for you. That's why the good ones never stay -too long." - -"You're quite right," Haywood conceded. "But we've got to think of -something. I should be finishing up the dispatch right now. If I'm -going to add anything to the orders I'd better do it." - -"There must be something," Mac said anxiously. "What else do people -always wish for?" - -"Well ..." Haywood mused. Then, quite unexpectedly, he smiled one of -his rare smiles. "I have it! How many times have you heard people wish -that they had known at some previous point in their lives something -that they have only managed to find out later?" - -"Huh?" Mac said. - -"You know the expression, 'if I had only known then what I know now.' -People are constantly saying how much better things would be if they -had only been born with the knowledge of a lifetime. How would it be -if we arrange to have this child born knowing everything that he's -destined to learn throughout all his earthly years?" - -"You mean so he can see into the future?" - -"No, no, nothing so trite as that. Just let him know at the outset all -the things that he will eventually learn so that he may apply them to -his life as he goes along." - -Mac slapped his broad hands together with enthusiastic approval. "Hey, -that's wonderful!" he said. "It sounds classy, too. We make this -million quadrillionth baby the most wised-up kid any pair of parents -ever had. Write that down, Haywood, just like you said it. Put it in -the special specifications part." - -"All right," Haywood said, rather pleased with himself, "then, that's -what it'll be." He turned carefully back to the cloud bank, wriggled -his knees into its fleecy confines and took up his pen. "I'll have to -word it carefully so there won't be any oversight." - -"Gosh!" Mac grinned rapturously, "just think how tickled those parents -are going to be. It makes you feel good just thinking about it!" - - * * * * * - -Hair rumpled and necktie askew, Lester sat in the hospital waiting room -and smoked endless cigarettes. Across from him sat another young man in -a similar state of disheveled conflagration, but the two of them did -not speak. The situation was understood and words would only make it -worse. Time passed. - -At last a door swung open and a nurse with a starched expression and a -severe uniform stepped flat-footedly into the room. In unison Lester -and his companion sat up and looked around like a pair of beagles -alerted to the scent of the fox. There was an ominous pause while the -nurse, indulging a sadistic sense of the dramatic, looked questioningly -from one to the other. - -"Mr. Holmes?" she asked crisply. - -"Yes!" Lester said, leaping from his chair. "Yes, yes! That's me!" - -The nurse regarded him slowly, as though finding only what she had -expected, which wasn't much. "Your wife," she announced thinly, "has -just given birth to a healthy six pound boy." She edged back toward the -door, then stopped. "Congratulations," she added grudgingly. - -"Holy smoke!" Lester said. "Can I see Ginny?" - -The nurse eyed him levelly. "Ginny?" she enquired. - -"My mother!" Lester said confusedly, making a Freudian slip. "I mean, -my wife, the mother of my son. You know...." he ended lamely. - -"Mrs. Holmes will be resting for the next couple of hours," the nurse -said, "and she mustn't be disturbed. Meanwhile, if you'd care to see -your son, he will appear shortly in the nursery, in the crib marked -with your name. You may view him through the glass partition." - -"Oh," Lester said. "Oh, sure. But, Ginny--Mrs. Holmes--how is she?" - -"She came through the delivery splendidly," the nurse told him and left. - -Grinning, Lester turned to the other young man who looked back at him -numbly. "Well...." he said. "Golly!" He waited for a moment, then -shrugged happily and started toward the door. - - * * * * * - -He paced back and forth in front of the plate glass window, nervously -eyeing the first row of metal cribs which contained the one marked -"Holmes." His crib, or rather the crib of his son, was exactly like -all the others in the line, except that it had remained starkly -unoccupied for some time now and for that reason seemed somehow larger -and more ominous than the others. Absently, Lester was aware of other -sleepy-eyed fathers along the window, and of the occasional presence, -within the panelled confines of the nursery, of nurses, moving back and -forth like the masked ladies of some frightfully pristine and hygenic -India. - -From time to time, these last would bring a baby forward to the -viewing window for the inspection of the fathers who were already -planning complications for the little newcomer's life. Lester watched -as a sandy-haired young man with dark shadows under his eyes moved -to the speaking tube at the side of the window and briefly requested -an introduction to his new-born daughter. Within the nursery one of -the nurses nodded to him and said a polite "yes, sir," which was -communicated to the young man over a concealed speaker. Waiting until -the young man had departed, Lester followed his example and edged up to -the tube. There was another nurse conveniently at hand. - -"Miss," he said mildly. "Nurse." - -The young lady turned and regarded him from over her mask with a pair -of large brown eyes. "Yes?" she asked. "Are you one of the fathers?" - -"I--yes," Lester nodded. "Only my baby isn't in the nursery yet, and -it's been quite a while now since they sent me here to see him." - -A flicker of puzzlement showed in the nurse's eyes. "What is the name, -please?" she asked. - -"Holmes," Lester said. "Lester Holmes. It's a boy. Six pounds. If that -helps you any." - -The brown eyes changed expression swiftly and unexpectedly. They raked -Lester's face hastily, as though passing over some object too loathsome -for closer observation. It seemed to Lester that the exposed part of -the nurse's complexion turned a ghastly white. - -"Good grief!" the girl said over the speaker and hurried out of the -room. - -"Hey!" Lester said, bending closer to the tube. "Hey, nurse!" - -He stood there for a moment, feeling vague stirrings of impending -doom, then he moved back. Inside the nursery the door opened and two -nurses, neither with large brown eyes, stepped inside, stared hauntedly -in his direction for a moment, then disappeared again. Lester watched -this denouement with utter bewilderment. He retreated to the far side -of the room and sat down in a chair with iron legs and slippery red -plastic cushions. - -Lester was still sitting there, without benefit of spurs, when the -doctor came in. He was a tall, pinkish sort of man, balding of head and -jittery of manner. He leaned down to Lester as though preparing to say -a very confidential and filthy word. - -"Holmes?" he enquired. - -"Yes!" Lester said, starting. "That's me." - -"Would you just step out here in the hall for a moment?" - -Lester got up and silently followed the doctor outside. The door to -the waiting room sighed shut behind them, and for a moment they stood -looking at each other. - -"Mr. Holmes ..." the doctor said, then lapsed into undecided silence. - -Lester made a small gesture with his hand. "Look, doctor," he said. "I -know I'm not familiar with the way things are done around a hospital, -but frankly I'm beginning to get a little worried." - -"Of course you are," the doctor said emphatically. - -"Huh?" Lester said. - -"Expectant fathers are always worried," the doctor said and smiled -stiffly. - -"I'm not expectant any more," Lester said. "The nurse said everything -was all right, that the baby was healthy and Ginny was doing fine." - -The doctor looked at him, as though with sudden inspiration. "Would you -like to see your wife, Mr. Holmes?" he asked quickly. - -"Yes," Lester said. "I'd like to see _someone_." - -A look of momentary relief lighted the doctor's face. "Fine," he said, -"fine. And when you've finished we'll have a little talk, eh? Now, just -come along this way." - - * * * * * - -Ginny, in the tall, awkward hospital bed, looked kind of pinched and -stringy, like she always did in the summer when she'd spent a day -canning fruit. As Lester entered, she smiled in a slack-mouthed sort of -way. - -"Hello, dear," she said weakly. - -"Hi," Lester said. - -"Daddy," Ginny said dreamily. "You're a daddy now." - -"And you're a mother," Lester said foolishly. - -"Yes," Ginny murmured. "You are a daddy and I'm a mother. Both at the -same time." She smiled again. "It's funny." - -"Funny?" Lester said. He sat down on the edge of the bed and took her -hand. "How do you mean?" - -"The anesthetic was funny," Ginny said, and suddenly she giggled. - -Lester looked at her worriedly. "Did anything happen?" he asked. -"Besides the baby, I mean?" - -"Oh, just something I imagined," Ginny said. "But it was so clear it -was like it was real." She looked at him from between half-closed lids -and giggled again. "When the doctor spanked the baby--you know how they -do--he said, 'Stop that, you big ape! Try swatting someone your own -size!'" - -"The doctor said that?" - -"No, the baby," Ginny said. "Wasn't it funny the way I imagined all -that?" - -Lester forced a smile. "Yeah," he said, "sure." - -Just then a nurse, eyeing Lester with uneasy speculation, edged quietly -into the room. "You'll have to leave now, Mr. Holmes," she said. "The -doctors are waiting for you." - -"Doctors?" Lester said, then decided to let it go; the hospital had -became a dark and mysterious place. He leaned down and kissed Ginny -lightly on the lips. "Get some rest, dear," he murmured. - - * * * * * - -There were six doctors in the little office, an assorted half dozen of -varying sizes and ages. The white-coated oath-taker with whom Lester -had shared the cryptic conversation in the hall presided over the -gathering from behind a desk at the far side of the room. The others -sat in chairs that had been arranged against the walls. All of them -eyed Lester with something like grave wonder as he moved forward and -took his seat in front of the desk. Lester looked hopefully from one to -the other, then cleared his throat. The small doctor to his left jumped. - -"I realize," Lester said, "that I'm not acquainted with hospital -routine. This is the first time...." - -"Of course, Mr. Holmes," the pinkish doctor put in quickly, with a -sort of reverent horror. "And I must confess that procedures have -necessarily been a trifle irregular in this case...." - -"Case?" Lester said. "What's wrong, doctor? Why won't you tell me?" - -The doctor folded his pale, slender hands before him with intricate -care. "Mr. Holmes," he said gently, "have you ever taken an I.Q. test?" - -Lester stared at him blankly for a moment. He was conscious of a -sinking sensation, much as though he were a cake in an oven and someone -had slammed a door somewhere. "Yes, I have," he said cautiously. "I -don't remember the score exactly. They said I was average. Is there -something wrong with my son, doctor?" - -Again the doctor avoided a direct reply. "How about your wife, has she -ever had an intelligence test?" - -"I don't know," Lester answered truthfully. "She's mentioned several -times that she only graduated from school by the skin of her teeth. But -what has that got to do with...." - -"I wonder, Mr. Holmes, if you'd be willing to submit to an extensive -examination and observation? It might take about a month or so, I'm -afraid. You work for a bank, don't you?" - -Lester nodded. "I'm a teller at the People's Trust. But...." - -"Perhaps we could make arrangements with your employer for a leave of -absence...." - -The doctor broke off as the door suddenly burst open and a nurse -charged into the room. She was an uncommonly homely woman whose face -would have been attractive only coming down the stretch in the fifth -at Pimlico. Her cap was askew and her red mane had gotten loose from -its moorings. Breathing heavily, she pulled up abruptly in front of the -desk and glared furiously at the doctor. - -"I quit!" she bellowed, banging her fist down on the desk. "I will not -be referred to as that splay-footed, cold-fingered old nag! Especially -not by any mere infant!" - -"Miss Klatt!" the doctor said sternly. "We're in conference with a -patient!" - -"I don't care if you're in Tucson with Marilyn Monroe!" the nurse -yelled. "I'm quitting. In fact, I've quit. If it's a nurse for babies -you want, then okay, but if you're looking for a verbal punching bag -for a three-hour old comic, you can damn well look somewhere else!" - -"Miss Klatt!" - -"Phooey!" Miss Klatt responded hotly. "Just call me up sometime to -come back to work and listen to my hollow laughter. And as for that -new-layed egg you call a baby, you'll find him in his crib in the -nursery!" And with that she turned on her heel and stalked from the -room, slamming the door. There was a moment of horrified silence. - -"Oh, dear!" one of the doctors said distractedly. "Oh, dear!" - -The pinkish doctor leaped out of his chair. "Holy smoke!" he yelled. -"Did she say she put him in the nursery?" - -He raced for the door, and his five colleagues rose hastily and -followed in his trail. Lester jumped up and followed after. - -"Hey!" he hollered. "Hey, wait a minute!" - - * * * * * - -Lester arrived in the viewing room only a step behind the doctors. -Already, it appeared, quite a crowd had assembled in the room, a -random mixture of staff members and visitors. There was an excited -murmuring, along with a general tendency to back away from the viewing -panel. The doctors had stopped in their tracks just inside the door, -in a collective attitude of stricken dismay. For a moment Lester was -completely at a loss to discover the cause of all this, then a voice, a -very small but distinct voice, echoed over the speaker. - -"And you, too, fatso!" it said sharply. "Just what do you think you're -staring at?" - -Lester became aware of a large, dark-haired woman who suddenly gasped -and backed away. Her lips worked feverishly over words that would not -come. - -"It's an invasion of privacy!" the voice continued furiously. "I stand -on my rights! And I'll sit and lie down on them, too, if I have to! I -demand a private room!" - -During this pithy bit of dialogue, Lester edged cautiously through the -ranks and peered into the brilliant inner reaches of the nursery. At -first he saw nothing of particular note, then, slowly his gaze, moving -along the first line of cribs, stopped at the one just left of center, -where its infant occupant appeared to be sitting boldly upright, -shaking its small pudgy fist at the window. The baby's face was quite -red, and its tiny eyes glittered with a furious intelligence that was -distinctly upsetting. If Lester's senses had not failed him, this was -the originator of the angry voice. - -"And what are you nosing around for, stupid?" the baby asked hotly, -darting a swift glance in his direction. "I suppose you have never seen -a baby before? How would you like it if every time you looked up from -your bed you were faced with a lot of dough-faced, low-grade morons -gaping at you through a plate glass window? Talk about goldfish!" - -For a moment Lester was too startled to move. Then, laggingly, his eyes -moved to the name on the crib, and he stiffened sharply. The name, -plain as a day in May, was _Holmes_! - -"Wha--!" Lester said, unable to grasp the situation or any part of it. -He whirled about to the doctors and found them in hasty retreat toward -a doorway at the far end of the room. - -"Hey!" Lester yelled and took out after them. - -He raced along in their wake down a narrow hallway and through another -door, into a small room full of electric sterilizers. Instantly upon -arrival, the doctors went quickly to the business of donning masks. - -"Now just look here!" Lester cried, but the doctors were already in -retreat toward an inner door with a glass port-hole through which could -be seen the nursery. Lester shoved after them, but was held back. - -"You can't come in without a mask," one of the doctors told him, then -slammed the door in his face. - -"I'm getting sore!" Lester said. He swung about, found a discarded mask -lying on a white porcelained table and slipped it on. Adjusting the -strap, he hastened into the nursery. - -He was greeted by a deafening din as he shoved through the door. Thirty -odd babies, suddenly roused, had taken up the cry in shrill discord. -Intermingled with this was the disgruntled rumblings of the doctors and -the outraged mouthings of the truculent baby. - -"Well, high time!" the infant yelled. "Get me out of this Bedlam before -I lose my temper! How do you expect anyone to get any rest in a room -full of howling brats!" - -"Shut off that loudspeaker!" one of the doctors yelled, and a colleague -rushed to a switch on the wall. - - * * * * * - -Lester wedged himself determinedly into the fast-closing knot around -the crib. He shoved his face through an opening between two white-clad -shoulders and looked up at the doctor across from him. - -"How is he doing that?" he asked. - -The infant in the crib looked up at him wearily. "Another one," he -commented. "That makes seven. Seven come eleven and not a brain in the -lot. What do I have to do to get a private room in this butcher shop? -Clear out, you underlings, and send me the manager!" - -"You're going to get a private room!" the doctor across from Lester -said shortly. "You're going to get one if I have to build it myself." -He scooped the infant up in his arms. - -"Well," the baby said, falling back importantly into the crook of the -doctor's arm, "that's more like it." - -Again straggling after the doctors, Lester followed them from the -nursery, through the outer room, down the hallway and into a room -marked _Private_. There the baby was placed on an adult-sized bed, -where it sat up majestically against the pillow and watched with a -jaundiced eye the unmasking of those assembled. - -"The human race," he commented, "is certainly not an attractive one. -You jokers make up as ugly a crew as ever blotted the horizons of -hell. Not to mention that nurse you sent me. What a horror that one -was!" - -"She quit the hospital, you'll be delighted to know," the doctor said, -bristling. - -"And thereby provided the medical profession its greatest single -advance in years," the infant retorted blandly. - -"You didn't have to insult her," the doctor said. - -"Somebody had to," the baby said, the absolute soul of reason. "No one -with a face like that could go without insult much longer." - -The doctor opened his mouth to reply, then glanced around uneasily at -the others. "It's ridiculous, arguing with a mere infant like this," he -murmured. "I feel like a fool." - -"Don't be alarmed," the baby said mildly. "You also look like a fool. -And I think that clears up your status most conclusively." - -"Is he really doing that?" Lester breathed incredulously. "Isn't it -just some sort of a trick or something?" - -The baby shot him a quick glance. "Who's that?" he asked. - -"Your father," the doctor said bitterly. "Heaven help him." - -"That!" the baby said, disbelievingly pointing a finger at Lester. -"Good grief!" He eyed Lester more closely and with an evident lack -of satisfaction. He shrugged fatalistically. "Well, as long as you're -here, there's a little matter I want straightened out. I happen to know -that you and your wife--my mother, I suppose--are planning to name -me Frederick Lester Holmes. I've thought it over and decided I can't -permit it. The name is entirely too commonplace. I wish to be called -Anstruther Pierpont Holmes, which is more consistent with the position -which I mean to attain in life." He subjected Lester to another lengthy -and critical stare. "Since you are my father, you may refer to me -as A.P., so as to achieve an absolute economy of time spent in -communication between us." - -Lester clutched blindly at the foot of the bed in an attempt to -maintain his equilibrium; suddenly he felt as though his knees had been -set on swivels. The room appeared to be leaping about with a will of -its own. - -"Grab him!" a voice yelled close by. "He's going into shock!" - - * * * * * - -Five days later, Lester sat in the corner of the hospital room, -maintaining a morbid silence while the nurse finished packing Ginny's -bag. Ginny dressed now and looking pretty, though somewhat drawn, sat -in a wheel chair with the infant A.P. held gingerly, as one might -hold a small A Bomb, in her lap. All of them watched tensely as the -nurse snapped the catch on the bag and left the room. The instant she -was gone, Lester was on his feet. He approached the wheel chair and -levelled a warning finger under A.P.'s negligible nose. - -"I don't know how the newspapers got wind of this," he said, "but I -definitely suspect you. The hospital promised to keep it quiet. If any -of those reporters get to you, just keep your big mouth shut. Maybe you -want to be a side show attraction, but your mother and I don't!" - -"Nuts," the baby said briefly. - -Lester raised his glance to Ginny. "And if they ask you anything, just -don't answer. And try not to cry." - -"Oh, Lester!" Ginny said tearfully. "What will the neighbors think? -They'll say we're not normal, and that he's a--" - -"A monster," Lester supplied. "And they'll be right." - -"You don't need to talk about me as though I weren't here," A.P. said -evenly. "I can hear every word you're saying." - -"Can't we just stay here in the hospital?" Ginny pleaded. "Just a few -more days?" - -"They won't have him," Lester said, casting A.P. an accusing glance. -"He's tried to reorganize the entire hospital. Three nurses, two -doctors and five internes have given up the profession, and six -patients stole wheel chairs and left without notice. They've given us a -deadline until noon to get him off the premises." - -"Inefficiency," A.P. said tersely. "Everywhere you look, inefficiency. -It's appalling." - -"And so are you!" Letter snapped. - -"My father!" the infant said, rolling his eyes to the ceiling. "What -irony!" - -At this moment the nurse returned and the unhappy trio fell into a -forced silence. - -"The reporters," the nurse said uneasily, "they've gotten into the -hallway somehow." She followed Lester's apprehensive gaze to the baby. -"They want an interview--with all three of you." - -Lester sighed deeply. "Oh, well," he said, and taking hold of the wheel -chair he shoved it forward. - -The crush began at the door. A dozen reporters, at the first glimpse -of the wheel chair, crowded toward it. A red-faced young man with a -touseled crop of black hair stuck his face aggressively down next to -A.P.'s. - -"What do you think of the political situation, kid?" he yelled. - -The little company froze, and there was an instantaneous hush. Lester -exchanged a glance of speechless horror with Ginny as their infant son -observed his inquisitor with a scathing stare and parted his cherubic -lips. - -"Goo," A.P. said with flat disgust. "Goo, goo, goo!" - - * * * * * - -The ensuing week passed torturously. It was unthinkable, of course, -that there should be a nurse--or any outsider for that matter--in the -house during Ginny's recuperation. Therefore, it was necessary for -Lester to take a leave of absence from the bank and remain at home. As -a substitute angel of mercy, however, Lester found himself singularly -lacking in certain basic qualities; he was constantly beset with an -alarming impulse to do violence to the weak and helpless. On the -seventh day he cracked. - -"I don't care!" he cried, storming into Ginny's bedroom. "I don't care -if he is my son! I'm darned if I'll take any more guff off of him!" He -banged a half-empty feeding bottle down on the bureau. "Everything I do -is wrong! I give him his formula and he gives me a dissertation on how -to prepare lobsters Newberg! I can't stand any more of it!" - -Ginny accepted this tirade from her bed with distressed uncertainty. "I -know, dear," she said gently. "Last time I was up I went in to see him, -and he told me I was wearing the wrong shades of lipstick, powder and -rouge, and that I ought to comb my hair away from my face if I want to -resemble anything human at all." - -"And he wants to rebuild the house!" Lester fumed. "He says it's -non-functional! It's like living with Hitler, I tell you!" - -"Now, dear," Ginny said softly. "We wanted a son." - -"A son, yes," Lester said, "but not a pea-sized Einstein." He held out -a hand. "What are we going to do, Gin? We can't keep him hidden away -forever. Mrs. Hilliard from next door was over again this morning. I've -run out of excuses." - -"Oh, don't let _her_ in!" Ginny said. "With that wart on her nose I -can't imagine what he'd say to her! And she'd blab it all over town. -The newspaper people would be after us again. We'd be an object of -curiosity all over the world!" - -Lester sagged into the chair in the corner. "We'd never have another -moment's privacy." He closed his eyes wearily. "I feel like passing out -arsenic instead of cigars." - -"We'll just have to keep him hidden as long as we can," Ginny said -hopelessly. "If anyone sees him we'll have to explain that he learned -to talk prematurely." - -"We'll never get away with it," Lester said. "His language is too -darned premature." - -"I don't know why this had to happen to us," Ginny lamented. "It -couldn't have come from my side of the family. We've none of us ever -been very bright." - -Lester looked around at her sharply. "Neither have we," he said. - -"Then where did it come from?" Ginny asked. - -"Not from heaven," Lester said firmly. "That's certain." - - * * * * * - -The second week passed, and Ginny recovered sufficiently to be up and -about. With apprehension, she relieved Lester of his duties with A.P. -Her worst fears, she learned, had not been unfounded. - -"He wants the stock reports," she reported to Lester in the kitchen. -"Did you give him that copy of Forever Amber?" - -"I did," Lester said dully. - -"But why, for heaven's sake?" - -"To keep his mind off the house," Lester said. "He's got it all -redesigned. Refinanced, too. In his head." - -"He's got so many things in his head," Ginny said. "It's terrifying. -I'll never get used to it." - -"Don't worry about it," Lester said. "We won't be seeing much of him as -soon as he learns to walk. He explained it all to me. He's going into -some sort of business that will take him into higher circles. I think -he's planning to be a financial shyster of some sort." - -Ginny dropped into the chair opposite him and gazed at him dimly from -across the table. "I thought it was going to be so nice to be a mother, -to have something that depended on me and looked up to me." - -"I know," Lester said. "We've just got to face it, though, A.P. is -less a child than we are. He's a full grown adult and he doesn't intend -to indulge us by pretending to be a baby. I know it's impossible, -but...." - -Both of them stiffened as a knock sounded sharply at the back door. - -"Mrs. Hilliard!" Ginny hissed. "Don't answer!" - -"Don't worry," Lester said. - -The room filled with silence as both of them sat absolutely quiet. -There was a second knock, more insistent this time. As it died out, the -silence fell again. Then it shattered. - -"Hey, you two!" A.P.'s penetrating voice yelled from the nursery. "Get -on the ball with that reinforced feeding! I'll never grow up if you're -going to starve me to death!" - -"Oh, Lord!" Lester groaned. Instantly there was a third knock that -fairly rattled the hinges. "You get rid of her. I'll take him the -bottle." - -"And make sure you have the formula I worked out!" the voice from the -nursery commanded. "I don't want to waste any more time in this wicker -cage than I have to!" - -When Lester returned to the kitchen he found, with a thrill of horror, -that Mrs. Hilliard, a steely glint in her eyes, had forced her way -inside. She was a solid woman with a square figure, a square face and -undoubtedly a square heart to match, which Lester was certain lay in -her bosom like a small granite cornerstone. The wart on her nose was -twitching with resolution. Ginny stood, cowed, beside the open door. - -"Ginny Holmes," Mrs. Hilliard was saying, "we've been friends ever -since you moved here. I was the first one inside your door to welcome -you to the neighborhood, and I resent being treated like a stranger -now. After all, I only want to help out." - -"But, Mrs. Hilliard ..." Ginny tried to say. - -"I know you don't want me to see the baby," Mrs. Hilliard went on. "You -certainly made that plain enough. And although I don't know why, I can -guess. Everyone in the neighborhood has guessed by now." - -"Why what do you mean, Mrs. Hilliard?" - -"It happened to a cousin of mine; the child was hopelessly malformed. -But it's no reflection on you, dear. It's just one of nature's -tragedies, and you have to learn to accept it gracefully." - -"But, Mrs. Hilliard!" Ginny gasped, her eyes wide with astonishment, -"it's nothing like that!" - -"And you'll find that everyone in the block is just as sympathetic as -I am. We've all wanted to tell you how sorry we are, but if you won't -admit it, or even let us see the child...." - -Lester drew himself up in the doorway. "Mrs. Hilliard," he said -firmly, and the woman turned, giving him a square, hard look. "Mrs. -Hilliard, please put your prying mind at rest. If you want to give the -neighborhood a report on our baby, then all right!" His face was fast -becoming a dangerous red. "Just step this way!" - -"Lester!" Ginny cried. - -But Lester was beyond caution. "We call the baby A.P.," he said, "but -you may address him as Mr. Holmes." Mrs. Hilliard cast him a curious -glance. "Come right along, Mrs. Hilliard!" - -"Well ..." Mrs. Hilliard said, then selfrighteously started after him -down the hall. - - * * * * * - -As they entered, A.P. was busy reading, the book propped up against -the side of his crib. His bottle hung rakishly from the corner of his -mouth, balanced across his shoulder. At the sight of the approaching -trio, he looked around and frowned. Mrs. Hilliard stopped short as the -baby pointed a chubby finger in her direction. - -"Who," A.P. asked in measured tones, "is that? Or should I say 'what -is that?'" - -Mrs. Hilliard made a small wheezing sound and looked around uncertainly -at Ginny. - -"This is our neighbor," Lester said recklessly. "Mrs. Hilliard." - -"Well, why come dragging her in here?" A.P. asked. "Surely it can't be -milking time already." He regarded Mrs. Hilliard more closely. "She's -certainly nothing to inflict on a mere infant." - -"Well!" Mrs. Hilliard managed to wheeze. - -"Quiet, wart nozzle," A.P. said imperiously. "You have one of those -voices that grate on my nerves." - -Mrs. Hilliard whirled on Lester. "Lester Holmes! Is this some sort of -joke?" - -"If it is," A.P. said, "it's entirely on you, madam. How any woman -could get that bowlegged in a mere sixty years is quite beyond me." - -"Sixty years!" Mrs. Hilliard cried. "Bowlegged! Ginny Holmes...." - -"Oh, shut up," A.P. said disgustedly. "Get out of here and let me -read. I'm just at the part where she locks him into her bedroom and -slips the key down the front of her dress." - -"Well!" Mrs. Hilliard snorted. "I certainly will get out of here! And -I'll never set foot in this house again." - -"That'll be a great relief to the foundations," A.P. observed affably -and returned to his book and bottle. - -Ginny cast Lester a glance of pure fury, then turned away. "Mrs. -Hilliard!" she cried. But already that outraged lady was down the hall -and making rapid time toward the back door. Ginny ran after her. "Mrs. -Hilliard!" - -"Let her go!" Lester called out, following along the hall. "Forget it." - -In the kitchen, Ginny turned on him, a nasty glint in her eyes. -"There!" she said hysterically. "Now, you've done it! She'll tell -everyone!" - -"No one will believe her," Lester said defensively. "They'll just think -she's gone off her nut." - -"They'll come here!" Ginny cried. "The reporters and everyone! I don't -want to be known as the mother of the most insulting baby in the world!" - -"Neither do I!" Lester said distractedly. "I mean I don't want to be -known as the father!" - -"_What!_" Ginny gasped, her eyes growing wide. "You mean you're going -to tell everyone you're not the father?" - -"Now, I didn't say that!" Lester yelled. "I only meant that...." - -"I wouldn't put it past you!" Ginny said furiously. "Put all the blame -on me. I can certainly see where that child got his evil disposition! -Your whole family has always been shifty! I should have known!" - -"Shifty!" Lester flared. "My family, shifty! What about your brother, -Delmar? Did you ever bake him a cake with a file in it, like he asked -you to?" - -"You leave my family out of this! You know it was an accident that -Delmar got arrested!" - -"Hah!" Lester said. "That's a hot one, that is! And you call my family -shifty. At least they're not locked up." - -"But that doesn't mean that they shouldn't be!" Ginny hollered. "That -crazy father of yours!" - -"Not to mention that witch you call 'mother!'" - -"I guess she's got your number all right!" - -"I'm warning you, Ginny, I can't stand much more. I'm under too much of -a strain!" - -"_You're_ under a strain!" Ginny laughed wildly. "Just who had that -baby, I'd like to know?" - -"You did!" Lester shot back. "And there's your answer to what's wrong -with him. I should have married Fanny Gantner. My father always said -so, and he knew women!" - -"I'll say he did! He knew all the women in town!" Suddenly Ginny began -to cry. "So that's what you're always thinking when you look at me like -that! Fanny Gantner! Well!" Suddenly she spun around and ran from the -room. - -Lester sank into the chair at the kitchen table and ran a trembling -hand over his face. "It's too much," he muttered. "It's too much for -human flesh and bone to stand." He put his arms down on the table and -leaned forward, resting his head on the backs of his hands. There was -a momentary stillness which was almost instantly broken by a series -of racking sobs from the bedroom. Then there was the sound of A.P.'s -shrill voice. - -"Rot!" the infant howled. "Drivel!" There was the sound of a book -dropping to the floor. "I'm sick of this paltry fiction. If you two -cases of arrested development can bestir yourselves from your childish -bickerings, one of you go out and get me the financial news!" - -Lester, even with his eyes closed, suddenly saw a great searing flash. -He jerked back in his chair, got up and marched rigidly to the back -door. Outside, he walked down the drive to the garage, got into the car -and slammed the door. - -It was more than too much. Obviously his wife considered him shifty and -unreliable, and his child thought of him only as a blithering ninny -only to be ordered about. Well, in that case, he knew what to do about -it. He started the car, backed down the drive and started down the -street. - - * * * * * - -The Hickentrope Hotel was the sort of establishment where the -management was not chary of guests without luggage. Lester sat in one -of the Hickentrope's uninspiring rooms, stared at the puce colored -walls and thought dark thoughts, until it was time to turn out the -lights, stare at the darkened walls and think puce thoughts. - -He blamed himself somewhat for having left Ginny alone when she'd -only barely risen from her sick bed, but swift on the heels of this -recrimination came the thought that if she wasn't able to manage -properly, A.P. would be only too happy to tell her how. Besides, she -could always telephone her mother, even though Mrs. Feeney had sworn, -on the day of their wedding, never to enter her daughter's house. -Finally, Lester began to speculate on the probable consequences should -A.P. and Mrs. Feeney be brought together under the same roof and, -with the picture of this happy disaster in mind, he eventually dozed -off. - -In the morning, after the first barber's shave he had ever experienced, -Lester made his way to the bank. He was dreary-eyed and low in his -mind, but he managed to withstand the ironical congratulations of his -co-workers with a fixed and aching grin. When Mr. Painter, the bank -manager, asked him bluffly about the new heir, he had half a notion to -tell him just to see the silly smile wilt from his vapid face. - -Lester retired soberly to his window, arranged his cash drawer and got -down to business. It was nearly noon, in the midst of the deposits of -a neighborhood bakery shop, that Miss Sward, Mr. Painter's secretary, -appeared at his shoulder to tell him that his wife was on the telephone -and wished to speak to him on a matter of urgency. - -With a feeling of triumph that Ginny had capitulated so rapidly and so -easily, he completed the bakery's deposits, closed his window and made -his way back to the office and the telephone. Keeping his tone distant -but nonetheless magnanimous, he said hello. - -"Lester!" Ginny's voice came tartly over the wire, "Who are all those -people?" - -This was not precisely the approach Lester had anticipated. For a -moment he was taken aback. - -"What people?" he asked finally. - -"You know very well what people! All those people at home. Who are -they, Lester?" - -Lester felt a chill crawl up his spine. "At home?" he said. "What home?" - -"It's no use playing dumb," Ginny snapped. "At our home." - -"But aren't you there?" Lester asked. "I don't understand." - -"Of course I'm not!" Ginny said hotly. "You know I'm not. I left -yesterday when you went out to get A.P. the financial news. Now, stop -hedging and...." - -"But I didn't get the financial news," Lester said. "I went to a hotel -last night." - -"_What!_" - -"Where are you?" - -"I'm at mother's! Lester, you mean you haven't been home all night?" - -"No. Haven't you?" - -"I told you. I'm at mother's! Oh, Lester! who are all those people?" - -"What people? Ginny, tell me what you're talking about!" - -"We've got to get over there right away!" Ginny said shrilly. "I called -the house just a little while ago--mother insisted, because of the -baby--and this woman with a terribly sexy voice answered. She wanted -to know with whom I wished to speak, and I could hear a lot of people -talking--all sorts of people! Oh, Lester!" - -"Oh, Lord!" Lester said. "I'll get over there right away. It might be -the police!" - -"They'll arrest us for child neglect, and everyone will know about it! -Come by mother's and pick me up, Lester! Hurry!" - -"Do I have to face your mother at a time like this?" - -"I'll wait for you outside--on the sidewalk! Hurry, Lester, please!" - -"All right!" Lester said frantically and hung up. - - * * * * * - -True to her word, Ginny, her overnight case in her hand, was waiting on -the sidewalk when Lester pulled up at the curb. But so was her mother. -Mrs. Feeney was a thin-nosed woman with high cheek bones and a tongue -as swift and venomous as an adder's. For the moment, her naturally -sallow complexion had become quite ruddy. Lester, pulling up the brake, -closed his eyes briefly to steel himself. Mrs. Feeney jutted her head -through the window. - -"Hello, Mrs. Feeney," Lester said, opening his eyes reluctantly. - -"Lester Holmes!" Mrs. Feeney screeched. "You ought to be horse -whipped! Only a no good skunk like you would even think of deserting -his wife and child like this! Only a low-down rat...." - -"Mother!" Ginny cried, shoving Mrs. Feeney desperately back and pulling -the door open. "Please, mother! There isn't time to bawl Lester -out--not now!" - -"I'm going to have my say!" Mrs. Feeney snarled determinedly. "I don't -care!" - -"Write me a letter!" Lester said, taking Ginny's arm and drawing her -into the seat. "Just keep it clean enough to go through the mails!" - -"Why you...." Mrs. Feeney yelped, clawing at the door. "You--viper! -Come back here!" - -But Lester had already slammed the door and pressed down on the gas. -The coupe shot ahead down the street. - -"Oh, Lester!" Ginny wailed, putting her case down on the floor. "Who -would all those people _be_?" - -"I don't know," Lester said worriedly. "Whoever they are, I'll bet -Mrs. Hilliard had something to do with it. I only hope it's not the -authorities!" - - * * * * * - -The street and the drive were filled with cars when they arrived, and -they were forced to park around on the other side of the block. Lester -helped Ginny out of the car and together they hurried back to the -house. - -The lawn was practically covered with sober-looking gentlemen who stood -about in knots, conversing in subdued voices. A small line had formed -at the front door. Lester led the way through the crowd and up the -steps to the door. He found himself faced by a slick-haired young man -who headed the line. - -"Not so fast there, pal," the young man said. "You've got to wait your -turn around here. I'm next." - -Ginny looked at the young man incredulously. "Next for what?" she asked. - -"I'm from the Wee-wheat Cereal Company," the young man said. "I -got a tip on this wonder brat, and the boss sent me over to get an -endorsement and a picture." - -Lester cast him a swift, unfriendly glance and turned aggressively to -the door. He grasped the knob and shoved it open, drawing Ginny inside -after him. They were only a step inside the living room, however, -before they were greeted by a dark, sleek woman in a tailored black -suit and jeweled glasses. She observed them with cool grey eyes, and -she was carrying a pad and pencil. - -"Yes?" she enquired in a tone that brooked no nonsense. - -"What are all these people doing here?" Lester demanded angrily. "Who -are they?" - -The woman's gaze moved unconcernedly to the opening in the door and the -men standing outside on the lawn. "Some of them," she announced, "are -financiers and corporation lawyers, I believe. Others are advertising -men and reporters. There are some scientists, too, and one minister." -She smiled noncommittally. "If you would like to place your name on -the list I can fit you in three days from now. That will be Friday -afternoon at precisely two twenty-three. If you'll just state your name -and the nature of your business...." - -"The nature of my business!" Lester said. "What's going on here?" - -"Matters of considerable importance," the woman said with sudden -severity. "Now, if you've something you wish to take up with A.P...." - -"I certainly have!" Lester said. "I have a lot of things to take up -with A.P. I'm his father!" He turned to Ginny. "Close the door." - -"Yes," Ginny said. She closed the door quickly and turned back. "And -I'm A.P.'s mother." - -"Oh," the woman said. For a moment she seemed uncertain as to just -which attitude in her repertoire to assume. She made a small motion -with her hand. "If you'll just wait here, I'll see if I can get you -in." - -"_You_ wait here!" Lester said with sudden heat. "I'll get myself in. -You just bet your garters I will!" - -"Yes!" Ginny said and followed after Lester as he turned toward the -hallway. - -Crossing the room, they passed a young girl in a starched white blouse, -sitting at the dining table busily typing names and addresses on a -large stack of envelopes. She glanced up at them with no change of -expression and went on working. - -"Lester," Ginny said, touching Lester's sleeve, "I just want you to -know that I'm not mad any more. Not at you." - -"Me either," Lester said hastily and forged ahead. - -At the door to the hallway, they were forced to give way to a lush -and shapely blonde with very red lips. The girl wore a tight nurse's -uniform and carried a bottle in her hand. She bustled past them and -disappeared into the kitchen. They turned toward the nursery from -which was coming the sound of many voices, underscored with a curious -clicking noise. - - * * * * * - -Arriving at the nursery they stopped short at the threshold. The -room was fairly glutted with people, all talking and moving about at -the same time. In the far corner was a ticker tape machine, which -accounted for the frenetic clicking sound. In the center of all this -activity, A.P. looked on from his crib with an expression of enormous -satisfaction. Somewhere a telephone rang and, except for the clicking -of the machine, the room fell magically silent. A young man with -thick-rimmed spectacles produced the phone from the floor, answered it, -then brought it forward to A.P.'s crib. - -"For you, A.P.," he said briskly. "Brandish out on the Coast." - -A.P. nodded sagely and gave his attention to the phone. He listened -briefly, pursing his lips. - -"Now, just a minute there, Hank," he broke in, "you should be the last -one to question my judgment after this morning. Central Mines paid off, -didn't they? You're darned right they did, and handsomely, too. Now, -I'm telling you, and I'm not going to repeat myself--put your gains on -Spartan Steel. And remember, I'm in for twenty per cent for the tip. -That's right. Goodbye." - -He nodded to the young man who promptly removed the phone from his ear -and took it away. At the doorway, Lester stepped resolutely into the -room. - -"Now, just a second!" he said loudly. "What do all you people think -you're doing in my house?" - -All eyes swiveled in his direction. A.P. looked around and frowned -slightly, as might an ancient warrior who had discovered that he had -been riveted into his armor with a gnat. - -"Oh, so you're back," he said mildly. - -"How did all these people get in here?" Lester demanded. - -"Well," A.P. said without rancor, "when I discovered I'd been -abandoned, I began to yell and, one by one, they began to show up." - -"But who are they?" Ginny asked weakly. - -"My staff," A.P. said grandly. "Variously--there's no need for -names--they are my private secretary, my social secretary, my -publicist, my business manager, my biographer, my Washington -representative, my personal news compiler and my lawyer. You no doubt -ran into my receptionist, my typist, my clerk and my dietician on your -way in." - -"We missed your clerk," Lester said shortly. "Just what do you and your -staff think you're up to?" - -"It's not what we think we're up to," A.P. said smoothly, "it's -what we _are_ up to. Already, since just this morning, I have become -the financial advisor to the top ten industrialists in the nation, -and the President. By evening, I expect I will also be the world's -foremost news analyst, financier and political manipulator. I am even -considering an offer to appear in motion pictures, though I'm inclined -to regard any venture in the entertainment field as a trifle facetious -for someone who expects to take over the management of the nation--and -perhaps even the world." - -"A dictator!" Ginny cried thinly. "He's turned into a dictator!" - -"Oh, not quite yet," A.P. said. "That takes a little time--a few -weeks, anyway." - -"No!" Lester gasped. - -"No?" A.P. enquired. "What do you mean, no?" - -"You can't do this," Lester said. "It isn't right. I won't be the -father of a dictator." - - * * * * * - -A.P. sighed patiently. "I imagined you'd take some such prosaic -attitude," he murmured. "However, you'll get used to it in time. -Besides, I might point out that you're in no position to object. I can -get you on a child abandonment charge any time I want to." He smiled -significantly. "And now that you're here, it's just as well. I need a -little ready security to balance out a deal I'm putting through. I'd be -much obliged if you'd just sign over a deed to me for the house and the -car. It won't come to much, I know, but it'll see me through." - -"What!" Lester cried. - -"Of course you'll have to sign them into the name of my business -manager since I'm under age," A.P. explained, "but it will all be in -good order." - -"Now, look here, you!" Lester said. "Your mother and I have scrimped -and saved for these things, and...." - -"Oh, don't worry," A.P. broke in. "You'll get yours. In fact I mean to -retire you and mother within the next few days with a very tidy little -allowance. I'm picking up a farm in Connecticut on a foreclosure, and -you and mother can move up there--rent free--where you won't worry so -much. So you see...." - -The young man with the glasses stepped forward, a legal document -extended in his hand. - -Lester backed away. "I won't do it!" he said. "I won't sign anything!" - -A shocked silence fell over the room. It was as though a comrade had -stepped up to Malenkov and politely explained that he refused to -share his potato crop with the proletariat. A.P. narrowed his eyes -thoughtfully. - -"In that case," he said slowly, "I suppose I will have to report you -to the authorities for child neglect. You realize, of course, there -will be unprecedented publicity. By noon tomorrow I expect to have -world-wide coverage. You will be social lepers wherever you go." - -"Oh dear!" Ginny whimpered. "What'll we do, Lester?" - -"You have exactly thirty seconds to make up your mind," A.P. said. "I -have to get on with business." - - * * * * * - -At this tense moment, the uniformed blonde entered the room with a -fresh bottle in her hand. She proceeded to the crib and leaned down to -A.P. - -"Your new formula, sir," she said throatily. - -Up to this point, Ginny had been a mere observer, looking on with dazed -bewilderment. Now, however, at the sight of the sultry blonde, a glint -that looked like militant and usurped maternalism flared in her eyes; -something deep and primitive came swiftly to the surface. With a small, -angry cry she strode forward and snatched the bottle from the blonde's -hand. - -"At least I can feed my own baby!" she cried, "even if he is a -monster!" Leaning down to the crib, she picked A.P. up and settled him -into the crook of her arm. "This is a lot of nonsense! All of it!" - -"Put me down!" A.P. commanded with displaced dignity. "Let go of me!" - -The blonde bristled with professional outrage. "Give me that child!" -she snapped. She took hold of A.P.'s arm. "I'm being paid a thousand -dollars a month to administer his feedings, and I'm going to earn my -money!" - -"You're overpaid!" Ginny said hotly, hugging A.P. to herself. "A -thousand dollars to feed a baby!" - -"Put me down!" A.P. wheezed as the nurse made another grab for him. -"Both of you!" - -The telephone rang sharply, and the young man ran to it. - -"You be quiet!" Ginny told A.P. sternly. "Don't talk back to your -mother!" - -"That's right!" Lester said, striding forward. "Or your father, either!" - -"I'll report you!" A.P. yelled. "I'll tell the authorities!" - -The nurse pulled at A.P. violently. "Give him to me!" she cried. - -"Put me down this instant!" A.P. insisted. "I demand it!" - -Lester shook a finger under the nurse's nose. "You let go of him!" he -thundered. He took hold of A.P.'s chubby leg. "He's ours!" - -The young man darted forward frantically with the phone. "It's Evans -of Tantamount Publications!" he yelled above the uproar. He grasped -A.P.'s head and jammed it next to the receiver. "He's ready to close -the deal!" - -"Put me down!" A.P. shrilled into the phone. "Let go of me, all of -you!" - -"Give him back!" Ginny hissed at the nurse. "You get out of my house!" - -"He's my responsibility, I guess," the nurse shot back, pulling harder. -"I'm getting paid for this!" - -"Not to rip my leg off, you're not!" A.P. screamed. - -"Evans wants an answer, A.P.!" The young man hollered. "Say something!" - - * * * * * - -While this murky atmosphere seethed and thickened inside the nursery, -the sun shone brightly outside, and the distant heavens were blue. They -were blue, that is, except to a single and very remote blemish. In the -timeless and vapored regions of Heaven's own dispatching department -there lay a distinct cloudiness that emanated mainly from the dismayed -faces of those two enterprising and well-intentioned angels, Mac and -Haywood. - -"Good grief, Haywood!" Mac gasped, gazing down hauntedly through -the mists of time, "they're yankin' the little bugger apart! It's -disgraceful!" - -"Yes, I know," Haywood said worriedly. "The whole affair is -disgraceful. I shudder to think what will happen to us when it comes -to light in the higher echelons." - -"We only wanted to do something nice," Mac said sadly. "How was we to -know the kid was going to be a stinkin' genius?" - -"The unknown element," Haywood sighed heavily. "The Higher Source. Even -angels can be wrong when they take authority into their own hands." - -"Who'd have thought a little baby could turn out to be such a rat?" - -"He's not a rat," Haywood said. "It's just that too much knowledge was -given to him all at once and he didn't know how to use it properly. It -only proves again that humans can only learn through experience. We've -made a tragic mistake, Mac." - -"And it's getting tragic-er by the minute," Mac said hollowly. "If that -kid gets hold of the world.... What'll they do to us, Haywood?" - -"I hesitate to even put it into words," Haywood murmured. - -"The way that kid's organized," Mac said, "he's a cinch to be a -world-wide scandal by sunset. Ain't there nothing we can do to stop it?" - -"I've been trying to think of something," Haywood said. - -Mac looked at him hopefully. "Give it everything you've got, Haywood," -he said. "You've got the brains." - -Slowly, Haywood began to drum his fingers on a nearby cloud bank.... - - * * * * * - -At the focal point of this heavenly concern, A.P. finally managed to -raise his voice above the angry din that raged about him. His small -voice piped like a penny whistle. - -"Stop clutching at me!" he shrieked. "My diaper is coming loose!" - -The clutching however, did not stop, nor did the yanking, hauling, -and pulling. Slowly, the diaper slithered loose from A.P.'s pudgy -mid-section and dropped to the floor. The future dictator of the world -blushed furiously. - -"Stop!" he yelled. "For heaven's sake!" - -After a moment, the fact that they had literally snatched the poor -infant naked finally penetrated the minds of the struggling group. -There was a sudden shame-faced silence. - -"Well!" A.P. said indignantly, "the least you could do is turn me -over. Now, unhand me, the lot of you, before I really lose my temper!" - -Under this threat, all concerned acted almost as though under a -hypnotic command. Simultaneously, everyone withdrew their support. All -hands, so to speak, returned from active combat. The obvious, though -unforeseen, result followed swiftly and shockingly; A.P. dropped to -the floor, meeting its polished surface with the back of his head and a -dull, ominous thud. - -There was a sudden communal gasp, then horrified silence. Ginny was the -first to recover her voice. - -"He's dropped!" she said in a ghastly whisper. "On his head!" - -"He told us to let go of him," the nurse said. - -"He didn't mean all of us," a distinguished grey-haired gentleman said. -"I should have realized it." - -"It was as though my hand was taken away," Lester said wonderingly. - -Ginny stooped down and took A.P. gently in her arms. As she -straightened, the small form stirred and opened his eyes. - -"He's all right, isn't he?" a voice asked hopefully. - -Slowly, A.P.'s head lolled heavily to the side. In his eyes there was -a totally new expression, or, rather, a new lack of expression. The -young man with the glasses held the telephone forward. - -"Evans is still waiting for an answer, A.P.," he said. - -A.P.'s gaze seemed to penetrate the telephone and go beyond it. His -lips parted with a slack toothlessness that had not before been -apparent. Suddenly he began to cry, and his voice raised in a thin, -distinctly babyish howl. - -"Oh, no!" the young man whispered, and the telephone slowly slipped -from his hand. - - * * * * * - -Six years later, in another house and another suburb, where there was -no Mrs. Hilliard next door and their child was known merely as 'little -Freddie Holmes,' Lester and Ginny lived in quiet obscurity. If there -were those in the world who remembered the formidable A.P. they -never mentioned it publicly, presumably loathe to admit that they had -ever placed themselves at the command of a mere infant. Now, shifting -uneasily in his chair, Lester looked up worriedly as Ginny returned -from the hallway. He watched as she moved toward him and placed a hand -gently on his shoulder. - -"It's all right," Ginny said. "He's only listening to the music on the -radio." - -"That's good," Lester sighed. "He can't learn much from that." - -"We're both far too edgy about Freddie, dear," Ginny said. "After all, -he really hasn't shown any signs of dominating--not really since the -beginning." - -"I know," Lester said, "but what about this?" He held up the offending -class paper. "I still think this tendency to get 'excellents' is -dangerous." - -"I know, dear," Ginny said, "but the doctors all said he was perfectly -normal for a child of his intelligence." She patted his shoulder -consolingly. "He's just bright, that's all, and we mustn't worry about -it so much." - -Lester nodded wearily. "I suppose not," he said. With a sigh, he -dropped the paper to the floor. - -Outside, in the dark and distant heavens, ever so faintly, the sigh was -echoed in duplicate. - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BLESSED EVENT *** - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part -of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm -concept and trademark. 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Myers</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online -at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you -are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the -country where you are located before using this eBook. -</div> - -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: Blessed Event</p> - -<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Charles F. Myers</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: September 8, 2021 [eBook #66244]</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Character set encoding: UTF-8</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net</div> - -<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BLESSED EVENT ***</div> - -<div class="titlepage"> - -<h1>BLESSED EVENT</h1> - -<h2>By Charles F. Myers</h2> - -<p>He was the millionth quadrillionth baby to<br /> -be born on Earth. Naturally the event had to be<br /> -celebrated. And it was—in a devastating manner!</p> - -<p>[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from<br /> -Imagination Stories of Science and Fantasy<br /> -February 1954<br /> -Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that<br /> -the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]</p> - -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="figcenter"> - <img src="images/illus.jpg" alt=""/> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p>Ginny stood anxiously in the kitchen doorway, wiping her hands on the -hem of her apron.</p> - -<p>"You shouldn't upset the boy by yelling at him, Lester," she said. "I -know you're worried, but...."</p> - -<p>"He upsets me, doesn't he?" Lester said defensively. He sat in the -lounge chair by the window, and the light from the reading lamp, -slanting across his face, sketched in the lines of consternation -with dark shadows. "Just look at that class paper!" he exploded. -"'Excellent,' it says. That's four 'excellents' already this month!"</p> - -<p>"I know," Ginny said quietly. "I saw it when he brought it home this -afternoon." Her blue eyes misted. "He was awfully proud."</p> - -<p>"The worst comment he's ever had was a 'very good,'" Lester said -heedlessly. "If only he'd get a 'poor' once in a while—or even a -'rotten.' But that's too much to hope for."</p> - -<p>"Maybe it's not really as bad as it seems," Ginny said hopefully. "He -said himself that he's weak in spelling."</p> - -<p>"Not weak enough for comfort," Lester said. "That little head of his is -just crammed with brains. Sometimes I look at it and all I can think -of is a stuffed bell pepper!" Suddenly his grey eyes came alight with -inspiration. "Maybe if we cut down on his food—They say in those ads -that if a child is properly undernourished he begins to get sluggish -and...."</p> - -<p>"Lester!" Ginny said, thoroughly shocked. "Of all things!"</p> - -<p>For a moment they were silent, not quite looking at each other.</p> - -<p>"Where did he go?" Ginny asked finally.</p> - -<p>"Into his room," Lester sighed. "To study, no doubt."</p> - -<p>Ginny nodded and moved toward the entrance to the hall. "I'd better see -if he's all right," she said. "You really shouldn't have yelled at him."</p> - -<p>Lester watched broodingly as she left the room. For a moment his gaze -remained darkly fixed, then moved back and down to the toes of his -shoes. He sighed again, and the lines of worry, as though of sheer -exhaustion, relaxed.</p> - -<p>In repose, Lester's face, an average specimen in the galloping run -of the world's faces, was not unpleasant. It was a face that had been -come by honestly, if not spectacularly, in the thirty-one years of its -existence. In total, Lester was a tolerable young man, though one had -the feeling that if he played tennis and wore tennis shorts—neither of -which he did—he would prove a bit knobby in the knee and bowed in the -leg.</p> - -<p>As for Ginny, she was the completely average companion piece to -Lester's average man. Her hair was honey-colored, her features were -regular and her figure, though a trifle fleshier than the dented-fender -types photographed for the magazines, was highly desirable. -Together, Lester and Ginny were, in all but one respect, very nearly -indistinguishable from the millions of other like couples who -predominately inhabit the nation. The single thing that set them apart -from the mob was a marked tendency to shatter like a couple of dropped -crystal goblets at the sight of an 'excellent' on their male child's -class papers.</p> - -<p>This oddness, this single curious distinction, however, was no -indication of mere capriciousness. The root of the trouble was firmly -set in reality, and if its subsequent fruit appeared somewhat eccentric -it was probably because those forces which had dropped the original -seed into the soil of Lester and Ginny's young lives had not made -themselves and their motives clearly understood. It is not, after all, -uncommon for the human animal to fear that which it cannot understand, -and so it was with Lester and Ginny.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>It all started on the night that young Freddie was born. Preparations -for the little newcomer's arrival (though it was not known then whether -it was to be Frederick or Frederica) had gone apace for several months, -and the doctor and the hospital had been engaged well in advance. -Ginny, according to custom, had been assiduously showered by her -friends with every gadget and garment that any manufacturer, domestic -or foreign, had ever rendered in pink and/or blue. The stage was set, -swept and lighted. The curtain rose.</p> - -<p>It was exactly one minute past three A.M. when Lester raced for -the front door, fell over the overnight bag which had been placed -strategically in the path, picked himself up and hurried outside to -back the Chevy coupe out of the garage and up to the porch. Leaping -out, he hurried back into the house to help Ginny to the car and nearly -collided with her in the doorway.</p> - -<p>"It's all right, Gin!" he said excitedly. "It's all going to be all -right!"</p> - -<p>"I know, dear," Ginny said uncertainly and, picking up the felled bag, -carried it swiftly past him to the car. "Don't forget to lock the door."</p> - -<p>"Now, don't worry, honey," Lester said as he climbed into the car -beside her, "just don't think about it." He started the engine and -began backing toward the street. "Just think how nice it's going to be -to have a baby all our own."</p> - -<p>Ginny put a hand to his sleeve. "I love you, Lester," she murmured, and -let it go at that.</p> - -<p>It was approximately at this point in the proceedings that certain -celestial complications began to set in. As Lester and Ginny sped -toward the hospital, their heads filled with the approaching disaster -of parenthood, they were totally unaware of a distant moiling and -broiling in the night-darkened heavens above them. Humanly earthbound -as they were, their thinking was characteristically horizontal. It -would never in a million years have occurred to them that their real -trouble lay, not ahead of them, but above them.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>High in those dim and timeless reaches of space without measure -where the fate of mortal man is weighed and judged according to the -individual, a storm of unique and dismaying design was at the moment of -its inception. Like many another event of eventual magnitude it began -with deceptive insignificance. It was merely that Mac, that kindly and -somewhat addled angel, in tallying the lists on the tabulation sheets, -had come on the knowledge that the very next baby, the one due for the -four A.M. shipment, would be the million quadrillionth baby born on -Earth since the beginning of the human race. It was a fact from which -Mac seemed to derive a certain surprised pleasure. Brushing aside an -intervening cloud vapor, he turned to Haywood Veere, his heavenly -coworker, and grinned importantly.</p> - -<p>"Right on the nose, Haywood!" he announced loudly. "The million -quadrillionth baby. What do you think of that?" He twitched his wings -happily. "Makes you feel kind of important, don't it?"</p> - -<p>Haywood remained studiously bent over his dispatch sheets. "I fail to -see why," he said with characteristic dryness. "We can hardly look -on the event as any sort of personal accomplishment. It took all of -humanity all this while to bring it about."</p> - -<p>"But I'm the one that marked it down," Mac said. "And it's you who's -makin' out the papers on him. Probably nobody knows about it except -us."</p> - -<p>"It's probably just as well," Haywood murmured.</p> - -<p>"But it's kind of like an anniversary," Mac insisted. "Don't you see?" -A grin of reminiscence came over his homely face. "Besides, I done my -part, I guess, when I was a mortal. I had a couple of kids—even if -they did both wind up in the pokey."</p> - -<p>At this Haywood glanced up from the cloud bank upon which were spread -the papers. He turned around slowly, holding his wings back with one -hand so that they would not get smudged with ink. He regarded Mac -reflectively.</p> - -<p>"I suppose that's true," he said. "If you want to look at it that way -we can all take a bit of the credit. Even I can."</p> - -<p>Mac's eyes widened with surprise. "But you was never married," he said. -"If you had kids then they was...."</p> - -<p>"I didn't," Haywood put in quickly. "But it still works out. If you -hadn't fathered your children and I hadn't—refrained, so to speak, -this particular baby wouldn't be the million quadrillionth baby at all. -It's curious the way it all works out."</p> - -<p>"Sure it is!" Mac said triumphantly. "You see, it's like I said, a sort -of millstone!"</p> - -<p>"Mile stone," Haywood corrected absently. "I suppose you could regard -the little chap as a sort of anniversary baby at that."</p> - -<p>"You're darned right!" Mac nodded emphatically. "It's like we ought to -do something about it—to kind of celebrate—like when a show house -has fifty thousand customers and the fifty thousandth guy gets a free -ticket or a smoke stand with a naked lady on top."</p> - -<p>"But that's all in the line of advertising," Haywood said primly. -"Crass commercialism."</p> - -<p>"And what's wrong with advertising about babies?" Mac asked. "Babies -are the best darned product in the world. It's about time something was -done to stimulate trade, I guess."</p> - -<p>"Well, I really doubt ..." Haywood began.</p> - -<p>"You never was a father," Mac broke in elegantly. "It's a very -broadening experience, even when your kids turn out to be brats."</p> - -<p>"But don't you think," Haywood mused, "that it's rather been taken care -of—the stimulation part of it, I mean?"</p> - -<p>"Not near enough," Mac said firmly, "not when there are guys like you -who get left out."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>An introspective look came into Haywood's intelligent eyes. "Perhaps -you're right," he said quietly. "Working here in the dispatching office -has given me pause to think from time to time." He tapped his slender -fingers soundlessly on the cloud bank, producing a series of delicately -swirled vapors. "But we haven't any free tickets or smoke stands with -naked ladies to give away—and no way to give them, even if we had."</p> - -<p>"Then we'll have to give something else," Mac said solemnly. "Something -like it's not something you can touch and pick up, but something like -maybe these people can just think about it and it will make them happy."</p> - -<p>Haywood nodded. "You mean something more of a spiritual order."</p> - -<p>"Yeah. I guess that's it."</p> - -<p>For a moment the two of them were thoughtfully silent. Presently -Haywood stopped drumming his fingers.</p> - -<p>"How would it be," he said, "if we made their baby a very special baby -in some way? All parents are fond of the notion that their first child -is the most extraordinary child ever born. Suppose we find some way to -make this anniversary baby really unusual?"</p> - -<p>"Why sure!" Mac said jubilantly. "That's it! I always said you had -brains, Haywood."</p> - -<p>"Thank you, Mac," Haywood said uncertainly. "But what special quality -shall we give this child? Can you think of anything?"</p> - -<p>For a moment they stared at each other blankly. Mac twitched a wing.</p> - -<p>"How about three hands?" he asked. "People are always saying how they -wished they had three hands. It would make the kid a big help around -the house."</p> - -<p>"You've been away from Earth too long, Mac," Haywood said gently. "You -know how unpleasant people can be to freaks."</p> - -<p>"Oh, yeah," Mac said deflatedly. "I forgot."</p> - -<p>"I don't think a physical difference is wise," Haywood went on. "I -think something more from within would be better. Mortals are always -wishing to be completely good and honest. At least they pray about it a -good deal...."</p> - -<p>Mac shook his head. "You can't be too good or too honest down there, -Haywood. Sometimes it turns into a vice. Besides, people get suspicious -and make things very hard for you. That's why the good ones never stay -too long."</p> - -<p>"You're quite right," Haywood conceded. "But we've got to think of -something. I should be finishing up the dispatch right now. If I'm -going to add anything to the orders I'd better do it."</p> - -<p>"There must be something," Mac said anxiously. "What else do people -always wish for?"</p> - -<p>"Well ..." Haywood mused. Then, quite unexpectedly, he smiled one of -his rare smiles. "I have it! How many times have you heard people wish -that they had known at some previous point in their lives something -that they have only managed to find out later?"</p> - -<p>"Huh?" Mac said.</p> - -<p>"You know the expression, 'if I had only known then what I know now.' -People are constantly saying how much better things would be if they -had only been born with the knowledge of a lifetime. How would it be -if we arrange to have this child born knowing everything that he's -destined to learn throughout all his earthly years?"</p> - -<p>"You mean so he can see into the future?"</p> - -<p>"No, no, nothing so trite as that. Just let him know at the outset all -the things that he will eventually learn so that he may apply them to -his life as he goes along."</p> - -<p>Mac slapped his broad hands together with enthusiastic approval. "Hey, -that's wonderful!" he said. "It sounds classy, too. We make this -million quadrillionth baby the most wised-up kid any pair of parents -ever had. Write that down, Haywood, just like you said it. Put it in -the special specifications part."</p> - -<p>"All right," Haywood said, rather pleased with himself, "then, that's -what it'll be." He turned carefully back to the cloud bank, wriggled -his knees into its fleecy confines and took up his pen. "I'll have to -word it carefully so there won't be any oversight."</p> - -<p>"Gosh!" Mac grinned rapturously, "just think how tickled those parents -are going to be. It makes you feel good just thinking about it!"</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Hair rumpled and necktie askew, Lester sat in the hospital waiting room -and smoked endless cigarettes. Across from him sat another young man in -a similar state of disheveled conflagration, but the two of them did -not speak. The situation was understood and words would only make it -worse. Time passed.</p> - -<p>At last a door swung open and a nurse with a starched expression and a -severe uniform stepped flat-footedly into the room. In unison Lester -and his companion sat up and looked around like a pair of beagles -alerted to the scent of the fox. There was an ominous pause while the -nurse, indulging a sadistic sense of the dramatic, looked questioningly -from one to the other.</p> - -<p>"Mr. Holmes?" she asked crisply.</p> - -<p>"Yes!" Lester said, leaping from his chair. "Yes, yes! That's me!"</p> - -<p>The nurse regarded him slowly, as though finding only what she had -expected, which wasn't much. "Your wife," she announced thinly, "has -just given birth to a healthy six pound boy." She edged back toward the -door, then stopped. "Congratulations," she added grudgingly.</p> - -<p>"Holy smoke!" Lester said. "Can I see Ginny?"</p> - -<p>The nurse eyed him levelly. "Ginny?" she enquired.</p> - -<p>"My mother!" Lester said confusedly, making a Freudian slip. "I mean, -my wife, the mother of my son. You know...." he ended lamely.</p> - -<p>"Mrs. Holmes will be resting for the next couple of hours," the nurse -said, "and she mustn't be disturbed. Meanwhile, if you'd care to see -your son, he will appear shortly in the nursery, in the crib marked -with your name. You may view him through the glass partition."</p> - -<p>"Oh," Lester said. "Oh, sure. But, Ginny—Mrs. Holmes—how is she?"</p> - -<p>"She came through the delivery splendidly," the nurse told him and left.</p> - -<p>Grinning, Lester turned to the other young man who looked back at him -numbly. "Well...." he said. "Golly!" He waited for a moment, then -shrugged happily and started toward the door.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>He paced back and forth in front of the plate glass window, nervously -eyeing the first row of metal cribs which contained the one marked -"Holmes." His crib, or rather the crib of his son, was exactly like -all the others in the line, except that it had remained starkly -unoccupied for some time now and for that reason seemed somehow larger -and more ominous than the others. Absently, Lester was aware of other -sleepy-eyed fathers along the window, and of the occasional presence, -within the panelled confines of the nursery, of nurses, moving back and -forth like the masked ladies of some frightfully pristine and hygenic -India.</p> - -<p>From time to time, these last would bring a baby forward to the -viewing window for the inspection of the fathers who were already -planning complications for the little newcomer's life. Lester watched -as a sandy-haired young man with dark shadows under his eyes moved -to the speaking tube at the side of the window and briefly requested -an introduction to his new-born daughter. Within the nursery one of -the nurses nodded to him and said a polite "yes, sir," which was -communicated to the young man over a concealed speaker. Waiting until -the young man had departed, Lester followed his example and edged up to -the tube. There was another nurse conveniently at hand.</p> - -<p>"Miss," he said mildly. "Nurse."</p> - -<p>The young lady turned and regarded him from over her mask with a pair -of large brown eyes. "Yes?" she asked. "Are you one of the fathers?"</p> - -<p>"I—yes," Lester nodded. "Only my baby isn't in the nursery yet, and -it's been quite a while now since they sent me here to see him."</p> - -<p>A flicker of puzzlement showed in the nurse's eyes. "What is the name, -please?" she asked.</p> - -<p>"Holmes," Lester said. "Lester Holmes. It's a boy. Six pounds. If that -helps you any."</p> - -<p>The brown eyes changed expression swiftly and unexpectedly. They raked -Lester's face hastily, as though passing over some object too loathsome -for closer observation. It seemed to Lester that the exposed part of -the nurse's complexion turned a ghastly white.</p> - -<p>"Good grief!" the girl said over the speaker and hurried out of the -room.</p> - -<p>"Hey!" Lester said, bending closer to the tube. "Hey, nurse!"</p> - -<p>He stood there for a moment, feeling vague stirrings of impending -doom, then he moved back. Inside the nursery the door opened and two -nurses, neither with large brown eyes, stepped inside, stared hauntedly -in his direction for a moment, then disappeared again. Lester watched -this denouement with utter bewilderment. He retreated to the far side -of the room and sat down in a chair with iron legs and slippery red -plastic cushions.</p> - -<p>Lester was still sitting there, without benefit of spurs, when the -doctor came in. He was a tall, pinkish sort of man, balding of head and -jittery of manner. He leaned down to Lester as though preparing to say -a very confidential and filthy word.</p> - -<p>"Holmes?" he enquired.</p> - -<p>"Yes!" Lester said, starting. "That's me."</p> - -<p>"Would you just step out here in the hall for a moment?"</p> - -<p>Lester got up and silently followed the doctor outside. The door to -the waiting room sighed shut behind them, and for a moment they stood -looking at each other.</p> - -<p>"Mr. Holmes ..." the doctor said, then lapsed into undecided silence.</p> - -<p>Lester made a small gesture with his hand. "Look, doctor," he said. "I -know I'm not familiar with the way things are done around a hospital, -but frankly I'm beginning to get a little worried."</p> - -<p>"Of course you are," the doctor said emphatically.</p> - -<p>"Huh?" Lester said.</p> - -<p>"Expectant fathers are always worried," the doctor said and smiled -stiffly.</p> - -<p>"I'm not expectant any more," Lester said. "The nurse said everything -was all right, that the baby was healthy and Ginny was doing fine."</p> - -<p>The doctor looked at him, as though with sudden inspiration. "Would you -like to see your wife, Mr. Holmes?" he asked quickly.</p> - -<p>"Yes," Lester said. "I'd like to see <i>someone</i>."</p> - -<p>A look of momentary relief lighted the doctor's face. "Fine," he said, -"fine. And when you've finished we'll have a little talk, eh? Now, just -come along this way."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Ginny, in the tall, awkward hospital bed, looked kind of pinched and -stringy, like she always did in the summer when she'd spent a day -canning fruit. As Lester entered, she smiled in a slack-mouthed sort of -way.</p> - -<p>"Hello, dear," she said weakly.</p> - -<p>"Hi," Lester said.</p> - -<p>"Daddy," Ginny said dreamily. "You're a daddy now."</p> - -<p>"And you're a mother," Lester said foolishly.</p> - -<p>"Yes," Ginny murmured. "You are a daddy and I'm a mother. Both at the -same time." She smiled again. "It's funny."</p> - -<p>"Funny?" Lester said. He sat down on the edge of the bed and took her -hand. "How do you mean?"</p> - -<p>"The anesthetic was funny," Ginny said, and suddenly she giggled.</p> - -<p>Lester looked at her worriedly. "Did anything happen?" he asked. -"Besides the baby, I mean?"</p> - -<p>"Oh, just something I imagined," Ginny said. "But it was so clear it -was like it was real." She looked at him from between half-closed lids -and giggled again. "When the doctor spanked the baby—you know how they -do—he said, 'Stop that, you big ape! Try swatting someone your own -size!'"</p> - -<p>"The doctor said that?"</p> - -<p>"No, the baby," Ginny said. "Wasn't it funny the way I imagined all -that?"</p> - -<p>Lester forced a smile. "Yeah," he said, "sure."</p> - -<p>Just then a nurse, eyeing Lester with uneasy speculation, edged quietly -into the room. "You'll have to leave now, Mr. Holmes," she said. "The -doctors are waiting for you."</p> - -<p>"Doctors?" Lester said, then decided to let it go; the hospital had -became a dark and mysterious place. He leaned down and kissed Ginny -lightly on the lips. "Get some rest, dear," he murmured.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>There were six doctors in the little office, an assorted half dozen of -varying sizes and ages. The white-coated oath-taker with whom Lester -had shared the cryptic conversation in the hall presided over the -gathering from behind a desk at the far side of the room. The others -sat in chairs that had been arranged against the walls. All of them -eyed Lester with something like grave wonder as he moved forward and -took his seat in front of the desk. Lester looked hopefully from one to -the other, then cleared his throat. The small doctor to his left jumped.</p> - -<p>"I realize," Lester said, "that I'm not acquainted with hospital -routine. This is the first time...."</p> - -<p>"Of course, Mr. Holmes," the pinkish doctor put in quickly, with a -sort of reverent horror. "And I must confess that procedures have -necessarily been a trifle irregular in this case...."</p> - -<p>"Case?" Lester said. "What's wrong, doctor? Why won't you tell me?"</p> - -<p>The doctor folded his pale, slender hands before him with intricate -care. "Mr. Holmes," he said gently, "have you ever taken an I.Q. test?"</p> - -<p>Lester stared at him blankly for a moment. He was conscious of a -sinking sensation, much as though he were a cake in an oven and someone -had slammed a door somewhere. "Yes, I have," he said cautiously. "I -don't remember the score exactly. They said I was average. Is there -something wrong with my son, doctor?"</p> - -<p>Again the doctor avoided a direct reply. "How about your wife, has she -ever had an intelligence test?"</p> - -<p>"I don't know," Lester answered truthfully. "She's mentioned several -times that she only graduated from school by the skin of her teeth. But -what has that got to do with...."</p> - -<p>"I wonder, Mr. Holmes, if you'd be willing to submit to an extensive -examination and observation? It might take about a month or so, I'm -afraid. You work for a bank, don't you?"</p> - -<p>Lester nodded. "I'm a teller at the People's Trust. But...."</p> - -<p>"Perhaps we could make arrangements with your employer for a leave of -absence...."</p> - -<p>The doctor broke off as the door suddenly burst open and a nurse -charged into the room. She was an uncommonly homely woman whose face -would have been attractive only coming down the stretch in the fifth -at Pimlico. Her cap was askew and her red mane had gotten loose from -its moorings. Breathing heavily, she pulled up abruptly in front of the -desk and glared furiously at the doctor.</p> - -<p>"I quit!" she bellowed, banging her fist down on the desk. "I will not -be referred to as that splay-footed, cold-fingered old nag! Especially -not by any mere infant!"</p> - -<p>"Miss Klatt!" the doctor said sternly. "We're in conference with a -patient!"</p> - -<p>"I don't care if you're in Tucson with Marilyn Monroe!" the nurse -yelled. "I'm quitting. In fact, I've quit. If it's a nurse for babies -you want, then okay, but if you're looking for a verbal punching bag -for a three-hour old comic, you can damn well look somewhere else!"</p> - -<p>"Miss Klatt!"</p> - -<p>"Phooey!" Miss Klatt responded hotly. "Just call me up sometime to -come back to work and listen to my hollow laughter. And as for that -new-layed egg you call a baby, you'll find him in his crib in the -nursery!" And with that she turned on her heel and stalked from the -room, slamming the door. There was a moment of horrified silence.</p> - -<p>"Oh, dear!" one of the doctors said distractedly. "Oh, dear!"</p> - -<p>The pinkish doctor leaped out of his chair. "Holy smoke!" he yelled. -"Did she say she put him in the nursery?"</p> - -<p>He raced for the door, and his five colleagues rose hastily and -followed in his trail. Lester jumped up and followed after.</p> - -<p>"Hey!" he hollered. "Hey, wait a minute!"</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Lester arrived in the viewing room only a step behind the doctors. -Already, it appeared, quite a crowd had assembled in the room, a -random mixture of staff members and visitors. There was an excited -murmuring, along with a general tendency to back away from the viewing -panel. The doctors had stopped in their tracks just inside the door, -in a collective attitude of stricken dismay. For a moment Lester was -completely at a loss to discover the cause of all this, then a voice, a -very small but distinct voice, echoed over the speaker.</p> - -<p>"And you, too, fatso!" it said sharply. "Just what do you think you're -staring at?"</p> - -<p>Lester became aware of a large, dark-haired woman who suddenly gasped -and backed away. Her lips worked feverishly over words that would not -come.</p> - -<p>"It's an invasion of privacy!" the voice continued furiously. "I stand -on my rights! And I'll sit and lie down on them, too, if I have to! I -demand a private room!"</p> - -<p>During this pithy bit of dialogue, Lester edged cautiously through the -ranks and peered into the brilliant inner reaches of the nursery. At -first he saw nothing of particular note, then, slowly his gaze, moving -along the first line of cribs, stopped at the one just left of center, -where its infant occupant appeared to be sitting boldly upright, -shaking its small pudgy fist at the window. The baby's face was quite -red, and its tiny eyes glittered with a furious intelligence that was -distinctly upsetting. If Lester's senses had not failed him, this was -the originator of the angry voice.</p> - -<p>"And what are you nosing around for, stupid?" the baby asked hotly, -darting a swift glance in his direction. "I suppose you have never seen -a baby before? How would you like it if every time you looked up from -your bed you were faced with a lot of dough-faced, low-grade morons -gaping at you through a plate glass window? Talk about goldfish!"</p> - -<p>For a moment Lester was too startled to move. Then, laggingly, his eyes -moved to the name on the crib, and he stiffened sharply. The name, -plain as a day in May, was <i>Holmes</i>!</p> - -<p>"Wha—!" Lester said, unable to grasp the situation or any part of it. -He whirled about to the doctors and found them in hasty retreat toward -a doorway at the far end of the room.</p> - -<p>"Hey!" Lester yelled and took out after them.</p> - -<p>He raced along in their wake down a narrow hallway and through another -door, into a small room full of electric sterilizers. Instantly upon -arrival, the doctors went quickly to the business of donning masks.</p> - -<p>"Now just look here!" Lester cried, but the doctors were already in -retreat toward an inner door with a glass port-hole through which could -be seen the nursery. Lester shoved after them, but was held back.</p> - -<p>"You can't come in without a mask," one of the doctors told him, then -slammed the door in his face.</p> - -<p>"I'm getting sore!" Lester said. He swung about, found a discarded mask -lying on a white porcelained table and slipped it on. Adjusting the -strap, he hastened into the nursery.</p> - -<p>He was greeted by a deafening din as he shoved through the door. Thirty -odd babies, suddenly roused, had taken up the cry in shrill discord. -Intermingled with this was the disgruntled rumblings of the doctors and -the outraged mouthings of the truculent baby.</p> - -<p>"Well, high time!" the infant yelled. "Get me out of this Bedlam before -I lose my temper! How do you expect anyone to get any rest in a room -full of howling brats!"</p> - -<p>"Shut off that loudspeaker!" one of the doctors yelled, and a colleague -rushed to a switch on the wall.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Lester wedged himself determinedly into the fast-closing knot around -the crib. He shoved his face through an opening between two white-clad -shoulders and looked up at the doctor across from him.</p> - -<p>"How is he doing that?" he asked.</p> - -<p>The infant in the crib looked up at him wearily. "Another one," he -commented. "That makes seven. Seven come eleven and not a brain in the -lot. What do I have to do to get a private room in this butcher shop? -Clear out, you underlings, and send me the manager!"</p> - -<p>"You're going to get a private room!" the doctor across from Lester -said shortly. "You're going to get one if I have to build it myself." -He scooped the infant up in his arms.</p> - -<p>"Well," the baby said, falling back importantly into the crook of the -doctor's arm, "that's more like it."</p> - -<p>Again straggling after the doctors, Lester followed them from the -nursery, through the outer room, down the hallway and into a room -marked <i>Private</i>. There the baby was placed on an adult-sized bed, -where it sat up majestically against the pillow and watched with a -jaundiced eye the unmasking of those assembled.</p> - -<p>"The human race," he commented, "is certainly not an attractive one. -You jokers make up as ugly a crew as ever blotted the horizons of -hell. Not to mention that nurse you sent me. What a horror that one -was!"</p> - -<p>"She quit the hospital, you'll be delighted to know," the doctor said, -bristling.</p> - -<p>"And thereby provided the medical profession its greatest single -advance in years," the infant retorted blandly.</p> - -<p>"You didn't have to insult her," the doctor said.</p> - -<p>"Somebody had to," the baby said, the absolute soul of reason. "No one -with a face like that could go without insult much longer."</p> - -<p>The doctor opened his mouth to reply, then glanced around uneasily at -the others. "It's ridiculous, arguing with a mere infant like this," he -murmured. "I feel like a fool."</p> - -<p>"Don't be alarmed," the baby said mildly. "You also look like a fool. -And I think that clears up your status most conclusively."</p> - -<p>"Is he really doing that?" Lester breathed incredulously. "Isn't it -just some sort of a trick or something?"</p> - -<p>The baby shot him a quick glance. "Who's that?" he asked.</p> - -<p>"Your father," the doctor said bitterly. "Heaven help him."</p> - -<p>"That!" the baby said, disbelievingly pointing a finger at Lester. -"Good grief!" He eyed Lester more closely and with an evident lack -of satisfaction. He shrugged fatalistically. "Well, as long as you're -here, there's a little matter I want straightened out. I happen to know -that you and your wife—my mother, I suppose—are planning to name -me Frederick Lester Holmes. I've thought it over and decided I can't -permit it. The name is entirely too commonplace. I wish to be called -Anstruther Pierpont Holmes, which is more consistent with the position -which I mean to attain in life." He subjected Lester to another lengthy -and critical stare. "Since you are my father, you may refer to me -as A.P., so as to achieve an absolute economy of time spent in -communication between us."</p> - -<p>Lester clutched blindly at the foot of the bed in an attempt to -maintain his equilibrium; suddenly he felt as though his knees had been -set on swivels. The room appeared to be leaping about with a will of -its own.</p> - -<p>"Grab him!" a voice yelled close by. "He's going into shock!"</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Five days later, Lester sat in the corner of the hospital room, -maintaining a morbid silence while the nurse finished packing Ginny's -bag. Ginny dressed now and looking pretty, though somewhat drawn, sat -in a wheel chair with the infant A.P. held gingerly, as one might -hold a small A Bomb, in her lap. All of them watched tensely as the -nurse snapped the catch on the bag and left the room. The instant she -was gone, Lester was on his feet. He approached the wheel chair and -levelled a warning finger under A.P.'s negligible nose.</p> - -<p>"I don't know how the newspapers got wind of this," he said, "but I -definitely suspect you. The hospital promised to keep it quiet. If any -of those reporters get to you, just keep your big mouth shut. Maybe you -want to be a side show attraction, but your mother and I don't!"</p> - -<p>"Nuts," the baby said briefly.</p> - -<p>Lester raised his glance to Ginny. "And if they ask you anything, just -don't answer. And try not to cry."</p> - -<p>"Oh, Lester!" Ginny said tearfully. "What will the neighbors think? -They'll say we're not normal, and that he's a—"</p> - -<p>"A monster," Lester supplied. "And they'll be right."</p> - -<p>"You don't need to talk about me as though I weren't here," A.P. said -evenly. "I can hear every word you're saying."</p> - -<p>"Can't we just stay here in the hospital?" Ginny pleaded. "Just a few -more days?"</p> - -<p>"They won't have him," Lester said, casting A.P. an accusing glance. -"He's tried to reorganize the entire hospital. Three nurses, two -doctors and five internes have given up the profession, and six -patients stole wheel chairs and left without notice. They've given us a -deadline until noon to get him off the premises."</p> - -<p>"Inefficiency," A.P. said tersely. "Everywhere you look, inefficiency. -It's appalling."</p> - -<p>"And so are you!" Letter snapped.</p> - -<p>"My father!" the infant said, rolling his eyes to the ceiling. "What -irony!"</p> - -<p>At this moment the nurse returned and the unhappy trio fell into a -forced silence.</p> - -<p>"The reporters," the nurse said uneasily, "they've gotten into the -hallway somehow." She followed Lester's apprehensive gaze to the baby. -"They want an interview—with all three of you."</p> - -<p>Lester sighed deeply. "Oh, well," he said, and taking hold of the wheel -chair he shoved it forward.</p> - -<p>The crush began at the door. A dozen reporters, at the first glimpse -of the wheel chair, crowded toward it. A red-faced young man with a -touseled crop of black hair stuck his face aggressively down next to -A.P.'s.</p> - -<p>"What do you think of the political situation, kid?" he yelled.</p> - -<p>The little company froze, and there was an instantaneous hush. Lester -exchanged a glance of speechless horror with Ginny as their infant son -observed his inquisitor with a scathing stare and parted his cherubic -lips.</p> - -<p>"Goo," A.P. said with flat disgust. "Goo, goo, goo!"</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The ensuing week passed torturously. It was unthinkable, of course, -that there should be a nurse—or any outsider for that matter—in the -house during Ginny's recuperation. Therefore, it was necessary for -Lester to take a leave of absence from the bank and remain at home. As -a substitute angel of mercy, however, Lester found himself singularly -lacking in certain basic qualities; he was constantly beset with an -alarming impulse to do violence to the weak and helpless. On the -seventh day he cracked.</p> - -<p>"I don't care!" he cried, storming into Ginny's bedroom. "I don't care -if he is my son! I'm darned if I'll take any more guff off of him!" He -banged a half-empty feeding bottle down on the bureau. "Everything I do -is wrong! I give him his formula and he gives me a dissertation on how -to prepare lobsters Newberg! I can't stand any more of it!"</p> - -<p>Ginny accepted this tirade from her bed with distressed uncertainty. "I -know, dear," she said gently. "Last time I was up I went in to see him, -and he told me I was wearing the wrong shades of lipstick, powder and -rouge, and that I ought to comb my hair away from my face if I want to -resemble anything human at all."</p> - -<p>"And he wants to rebuild the house!" Lester fumed. "He says it's -non-functional! It's like living with Hitler, I tell you!"</p> - -<p>"Now, dear," Ginny said softly. "We wanted a son."</p> - -<p>"A son, yes," Lester said, "but not a pea-sized Einstein." He held out -a hand. "What are we going to do, Gin? We can't keep him hidden away -forever. Mrs. Hilliard from next door was over again this morning. I've -run out of excuses."</p> - -<p>"Oh, don't let <i>her</i> in!" Ginny said. "With that wart on her nose I -can't imagine what he'd say to her! And she'd blab it all over town. -The newspaper people would be after us again. We'd be an object of -curiosity all over the world!"</p> - -<p>Lester sagged into the chair in the corner. "We'd never have another -moment's privacy." He closed his eyes wearily. "I feel like passing out -arsenic instead of cigars."</p> - -<p>"We'll just have to keep him hidden as long as we can," Ginny said -hopelessly. "If anyone sees him we'll have to explain that he learned -to talk prematurely."</p> - -<p>"We'll never get away with it," Lester said. "His language is too -darned premature."</p> - -<p>"I don't know why this had to happen to us," Ginny lamented. "It -couldn't have come from my side of the family. We've none of us ever -been very bright."</p> - -<p>Lester looked around at her sharply. "Neither have we," he said.</p> - -<p>"Then where did it come from?" Ginny asked.</p> - -<p>"Not from heaven," Lester said firmly. "That's certain."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The second week passed, and Ginny recovered sufficiently to be up and -about. With apprehension, she relieved Lester of his duties with A.P. -Her worst fears, she learned, had not been unfounded.</p> - -<p>"He wants the stock reports," she reported to Lester in the kitchen. -"Did you give him that copy of Forever Amber?"</p> - -<p>"I did," Lester said dully.</p> - -<p>"But why, for heaven's sake?"</p> - -<p>"To keep his mind off the house," Lester said. "He's got it all -redesigned. Refinanced, too. In his head."</p> - -<p>"He's got so many things in his head," Ginny said. "It's terrifying. -I'll never get used to it."</p> - -<p>"Don't worry about it," Lester said. "We won't be seeing much of him as -soon as he learns to walk. He explained it all to me. He's going into -some sort of business that will take him into higher circles. I think -he's planning to be a financial shyster of some sort."</p> - -<p>Ginny dropped into the chair opposite him and gazed at him dimly from -across the table. "I thought it was going to be so nice to be a mother, -to have something that depended on me and looked up to me."</p> - -<p>"I know," Lester said. "We've just got to face it, though, A.P. is -less a child than we are. He's a full grown adult and he doesn't intend -to indulge us by pretending to be a baby. I know it's impossible, -but...."</p> - -<p>Both of them stiffened as a knock sounded sharply at the back door.</p> - -<p>"Mrs. Hilliard!" Ginny hissed. "Don't answer!"</p> - -<p>"Don't worry," Lester said.</p> - -<p>The room filled with silence as both of them sat absolutely quiet. -There was a second knock, more insistent this time. As it died out, the -silence fell again. Then it shattered.</p> - -<p>"Hey, you two!" A.P.'s penetrating voice yelled from the nursery. "Get -on the ball with that reinforced feeding! I'll never grow up if you're -going to starve me to death!"</p> - -<p>"Oh, Lord!" Lester groaned. Instantly there was a third knock that -fairly rattled the hinges. "You get rid of her. I'll take him the -bottle."</p> - -<p>"And make sure you have the formula I worked out!" the voice from the -nursery commanded. "I don't want to waste any more time in this wicker -cage than I have to!"</p> - -<p>When Lester returned to the kitchen he found, with a thrill of horror, -that Mrs. Hilliard, a steely glint in her eyes, had forced her way -inside. She was a solid woman with a square figure, a square face and -undoubtedly a square heart to match, which Lester was certain lay in -her bosom like a small granite cornerstone. The wart on her nose was -twitching with resolution. Ginny stood, cowed, beside the open door.</p> - -<p>"Ginny Holmes," Mrs. Hilliard was saying, "we've been friends ever -since you moved here. I was the first one inside your door to welcome -you to the neighborhood, and I resent being treated like a stranger -now. After all, I only want to help out."</p> - -<p>"But, Mrs. Hilliard ..." Ginny tried to say.</p> - -<p>"I know you don't want me to see the baby," Mrs. Hilliard went on. "You -certainly made that plain enough. And although I don't know why, I can -guess. Everyone in the neighborhood has guessed by now."</p> - -<p>"Why what do you mean, Mrs. Hilliard?"</p> - -<p>"It happened to a cousin of mine; the child was hopelessly malformed. -But it's no reflection on you, dear. It's just one of nature's -tragedies, and you have to learn to accept it gracefully."</p> - -<p>"But, Mrs. Hilliard!" Ginny gasped, her eyes wide with astonishment, -"it's nothing like that!"</p> - -<p>"And you'll find that everyone in the block is just as sympathetic as -I am. We've all wanted to tell you how sorry we are, but if you won't -admit it, or even let us see the child...."</p> - -<p>Lester drew himself up in the doorway. "Mrs. Hilliard," he said -firmly, and the woman turned, giving him a square, hard look. "Mrs. -Hilliard, please put your prying mind at rest. If you want to give the -neighborhood a report on our baby, then all right!" His face was fast -becoming a dangerous red. "Just step this way!"</p> - -<p>"Lester!" Ginny cried.</p> - -<p>But Lester was beyond caution. "We call the baby A.P.," he said, "but -you may address him as Mr. Holmes." Mrs. Hilliard cast him a curious -glance. "Come right along, Mrs. Hilliard!"</p> - -<p>"Well ..." Mrs. Hilliard said, then selfrighteously started after him -down the hall.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>As they entered, A.P. was busy reading, the book propped up against -the side of his crib. His bottle hung rakishly from the corner of his -mouth, balanced across his shoulder. At the sight of the approaching -trio, he looked around and frowned. Mrs. Hilliard stopped short as the -baby pointed a chubby finger in her direction.</p> - -<p>"Who," A.P. asked in measured tones, "is that? Or should I say 'what -is that?'"</p> - -<p>Mrs. Hilliard made a small wheezing sound and looked around uncertainly -at Ginny.</p> - -<p>"This is our neighbor," Lester said recklessly. "Mrs. Hilliard."</p> - -<p>"Well, why come dragging her in here?" A.P. asked. "Surely it can't be -milking time already." He regarded Mrs. Hilliard more closely. "She's -certainly nothing to inflict on a mere infant."</p> - -<p>"Well!" Mrs. Hilliard managed to wheeze.</p> - -<p>"Quiet, wart nozzle," A.P. said imperiously. "You have one of those -voices that grate on my nerves."</p> - -<p>Mrs. Hilliard whirled on Lester. "Lester Holmes! Is this some sort of -joke?"</p> - -<p>"If it is," A.P. said, "it's entirely on you, madam. How any woman -could get that bowlegged in a mere sixty years is quite beyond me."</p> - -<p>"Sixty years!" Mrs. Hilliard cried. "Bowlegged! Ginny Holmes...."</p> - -<p>"Oh, shut up," A.P. said disgustedly. "Get out of here and let me -read. I'm just at the part where she locks him into her bedroom and -slips the key down the front of her dress."</p> - -<p>"Well!" Mrs. Hilliard snorted. "I certainly will get out of here! And -I'll never set foot in this house again."</p> - -<p>"That'll be a great relief to the foundations," A.P. observed affably -and returned to his book and bottle.</p> - -<p>Ginny cast Lester a glance of pure fury, then turned away. "Mrs. -Hilliard!" she cried. But already that outraged lady was down the hall -and making rapid time toward the back door. Ginny ran after her. "Mrs. -Hilliard!"</p> - -<p>"Let her go!" Lester called out, following along the hall. "Forget it."</p> - -<p>In the kitchen, Ginny turned on him, a nasty glint in her eyes. -"There!" she said hysterically. "Now, you've done it! She'll tell -everyone!"</p> - -<p>"No one will believe her," Lester said defensively. "They'll just think -she's gone off her nut."</p> - -<p>"They'll come here!" Ginny cried. "The reporters and everyone! I don't -want to be known as the mother of the most insulting baby in the world!"</p> - -<p>"Neither do I!" Lester said distractedly. "I mean I don't want to be -known as the father!"</p> - -<p>"<i>What!</i>" Ginny gasped, her eyes growing wide. "You mean you're going -to tell everyone you're not the father?"</p> - -<p>"Now, I didn't say that!" Lester yelled. "I only meant that...."</p> - -<p>"I wouldn't put it past you!" Ginny said furiously. "Put all the blame -on me. I can certainly see where that child got his evil disposition! -Your whole family has always been shifty! I should have known!"</p> - -<p>"Shifty!" Lester flared. "My family, shifty! What about your brother, -Delmar? Did you ever bake him a cake with a file in it, like he asked -you to?"</p> - -<p>"You leave my family out of this! You know it was an accident that -Delmar got arrested!"</p> - -<p>"Hah!" Lester said. "That's a hot one, that is! And you call my family -shifty. At least they're not locked up."</p> - -<p>"But that doesn't mean that they shouldn't be!" Ginny hollered. "That -crazy father of yours!"</p> - -<p>"Not to mention that witch you call 'mother!'"</p> - -<p>"I guess she's got your number all right!"</p> - -<p>"I'm warning you, Ginny, I can't stand much more. I'm under too much of -a strain!"</p> - -<p>"<i>You're</i> under a strain!" Ginny laughed wildly. "Just who had that -baby, I'd like to know?"</p> - -<p>"You did!" Lester shot back. "And there's your answer to what's wrong -with him. I should have married Fanny Gantner. My father always said -so, and he knew women!"</p> - -<p>"I'll say he did! He knew all the women in town!" Suddenly Ginny began -to cry. "So that's what you're always thinking when you look at me like -that! Fanny Gantner! Well!" Suddenly she spun around and ran from the -room.</p> - -<p>Lester sank into the chair at the kitchen table and ran a trembling -hand over his face. "It's too much," he muttered. "It's too much for -human flesh and bone to stand." He put his arms down on the table and -leaned forward, resting his head on the backs of his hands. There was -a momentary stillness which was almost instantly broken by a series -of racking sobs from the bedroom. Then there was the sound of A.P.'s -shrill voice.</p> - -<p>"Rot!" the infant howled. "Drivel!" There was the sound of a book -dropping to the floor. "I'm sick of this paltry fiction. If you two -cases of arrested development can bestir yourselves from your childish -bickerings, one of you go out and get me the financial news!"</p> - -<p>Lester, even with his eyes closed, suddenly saw a great searing flash. -He jerked back in his chair, got up and marched rigidly to the back -door. Outside, he walked down the drive to the garage, got into the car -and slammed the door.</p> - -<p>It was more than too much. Obviously his wife considered him shifty and -unreliable, and his child thought of him only as a blithering ninny -only to be ordered about. Well, in that case, he knew what to do about -it. He started the car, backed down the drive and started down the -street.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The Hickentrope Hotel was the sort of establishment where the -management was not chary of guests without luggage. Lester sat in one -of the Hickentrope's uninspiring rooms, stared at the puce colored -walls and thought dark thoughts, until it was time to turn out the -lights, stare at the darkened walls and think puce thoughts.</p> - -<p>He blamed himself somewhat for having left Ginny alone when she'd -only barely risen from her sick bed, but swift on the heels of this -recrimination came the thought that if she wasn't able to manage -properly, A.P. would be only too happy to tell her how. Besides, she -could always telephone her mother, even though Mrs. Feeney had sworn, -on the day of their wedding, never to enter her daughter's house. -Finally, Lester began to speculate on the probable consequences should -A.P. and Mrs. Feeney be brought together under the same roof and, -with the picture of this happy disaster in mind, he eventually dozed -off.</p> - -<p>In the morning, after the first barber's shave he had ever experienced, -Lester made his way to the bank. He was dreary-eyed and low in his -mind, but he managed to withstand the ironical congratulations of his -co-workers with a fixed and aching grin. When Mr. Painter, the bank -manager, asked him bluffly about the new heir, he had half a notion to -tell him just to see the silly smile wilt from his vapid face.</p> - -<p>Lester retired soberly to his window, arranged his cash drawer and got -down to business. It was nearly noon, in the midst of the deposits of -a neighborhood bakery shop, that Miss Sward, Mr. Painter's secretary, -appeared at his shoulder to tell him that his wife was on the telephone -and wished to speak to him on a matter of urgency.</p> - -<p>With a feeling of triumph that Ginny had capitulated so rapidly and so -easily, he completed the bakery's deposits, closed his window and made -his way back to the office and the telephone. Keeping his tone distant -but nonetheless magnanimous, he said hello.</p> - -<p>"Lester!" Ginny's voice came tartly over the wire, "Who are all those -people?"</p> - -<p>This was not precisely the approach Lester had anticipated. For a -moment he was taken aback.</p> - -<p>"What people?" he asked finally.</p> - -<p>"You know very well what people! All those people at home. Who are -they, Lester?"</p> - -<p>Lester felt a chill crawl up his spine. "At home?" he said. "What home?"</p> - -<p>"It's no use playing dumb," Ginny snapped. "At our home."</p> - -<p>"But aren't you there?" Lester asked. "I don't understand."</p> - -<p>"Of course I'm not!" Ginny said hotly. "You know I'm not. I left -yesterday when you went out to get A.P. the financial news. Now, stop -hedging and...."</p> - -<p>"But I didn't get the financial news," Lester said. "I went to a hotel -last night."</p> - -<p>"<i>What!</i>"</p> - -<p>"Where are you?"</p> - -<p>"I'm at mother's! Lester, you mean you haven't been home all night?"</p> - -<p>"No. Haven't you?"</p> - -<p>"I told you. I'm at mother's! Oh, Lester! who are all those people?"</p> - -<p>"What people? Ginny, tell me what you're talking about!"</p> - -<p>"We've got to get over there right away!" Ginny said shrilly. "I called -the house just a little while ago—mother insisted, because of the -baby—and this woman with a terribly sexy voice answered. She wanted -to know with whom I wished to speak, and I could hear a lot of people -talking—all sorts of people! Oh, Lester!"</p> - -<p>"Oh, Lord!" Lester said. "I'll get over there right away. It might be -the police!"</p> - -<p>"They'll arrest us for child neglect, and everyone will know about it! -Come by mother's and pick me up, Lester! Hurry!"</p> - -<p>"Do I have to face your mother at a time like this?"</p> - -<p>"I'll wait for you outside—on the sidewalk! Hurry, Lester, please!"</p> - -<p>"All right!" Lester said frantically and hung up.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>True to her word, Ginny, her overnight case in her hand, was waiting on -the sidewalk when Lester pulled up at the curb. But so was her mother. -Mrs. Feeney was a thin-nosed woman with high cheek bones and a tongue -as swift and venomous as an adder's. For the moment, her naturally -sallow complexion had become quite ruddy. Lester, pulling up the brake, -closed his eyes briefly to steel himself. Mrs. Feeney jutted her head -through the window.</p> - -<p>"Hello, Mrs. Feeney," Lester said, opening his eyes reluctantly.</p> - -<p>"Lester Holmes!" Mrs. Feeney screeched. "You ought to be horse -whipped! Only a no good skunk like you would even think of deserting -his wife and child like this! Only a low-down rat...."</p> - -<p>"Mother!" Ginny cried, shoving Mrs. Feeney desperately back and pulling -the door open. "Please, mother! There isn't time to bawl Lester -out—not now!"</p> - -<p>"I'm going to have my say!" Mrs. Feeney snarled determinedly. "I don't -care!"</p> - -<p>"Write me a letter!" Lester said, taking Ginny's arm and drawing her -into the seat. "Just keep it clean enough to go through the mails!"</p> - -<p>"Why you...." Mrs. Feeney yelped, clawing at the door. "You—viper! -Come back here!"</p> - -<p>But Lester had already slammed the door and pressed down on the gas. -The coupe shot ahead down the street.</p> - -<p>"Oh, Lester!" Ginny wailed, putting her case down on the floor. "Who -would all those people <i>be</i>?"</p> - -<p>"I don't know," Lester said worriedly. "Whoever they are, I'll bet -Mrs. Hilliard had something to do with it. I only hope it's not the -authorities!"</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The street and the drive were filled with cars when they arrived, and -they were forced to park around on the other side of the block. Lester -helped Ginny out of the car and together they hurried back to the -house.</p> - -<p>The lawn was practically covered with sober-looking gentlemen who stood -about in knots, conversing in subdued voices. A small line had formed -at the front door. Lester led the way through the crowd and up the -steps to the door. He found himself faced by a slick-haired young man -who headed the line.</p> - -<p>"Not so fast there, pal," the young man said. "You've got to wait your -turn around here. I'm next."</p> - -<p>Ginny looked at the young man incredulously. "Next for what?" she asked.</p> - -<p>"I'm from the Wee-wheat Cereal Company," the young man said. "I -got a tip on this wonder brat, and the boss sent me over to get an -endorsement and a picture."</p> - -<p>Lester cast him a swift, unfriendly glance and turned aggressively to -the door. He grasped the knob and shoved it open, drawing Ginny inside -after him. They were only a step inside the living room, however, -before they were greeted by a dark, sleek woman in a tailored black -suit and jeweled glasses. She observed them with cool grey eyes, and -she was carrying a pad and pencil.</p> - -<p>"Yes?" she enquired in a tone that brooked no nonsense.</p> - -<p>"What are all these people doing here?" Lester demanded angrily. "Who -are they?"</p> - -<p>The woman's gaze moved unconcernedly to the opening in the door and the -men standing outside on the lawn. "Some of them," she announced, "are -financiers and corporation lawyers, I believe. Others are advertising -men and reporters. There are some scientists, too, and one minister." -She smiled noncommittally. "If you would like to place your name on -the list I can fit you in three days from now. That will be Friday -afternoon at precisely two twenty-three. If you'll just state your name -and the nature of your business...."</p> - -<p>"The nature of my business!" Lester said. "What's going on here?"</p> - -<p>"Matters of considerable importance," the woman said with sudden -severity. "Now, if you've something you wish to take up with A.P...."</p> - -<p>"I certainly have!" Lester said. "I have a lot of things to take up -with A.P. I'm his father!" He turned to Ginny. "Close the door."</p> - -<p>"Yes," Ginny said. She closed the door quickly and turned back. "And -I'm A.P.'s mother."</p> - -<p>"Oh," the woman said. For a moment she seemed uncertain as to just -which attitude in her repertoire to assume. She made a small motion -with her hand. "If you'll just wait here, I'll see if I can get you -in."</p> - -<p>"<i>You</i> wait here!" Lester said with sudden heat. "I'll get myself in. -You just bet your garters I will!"</p> - -<p>"Yes!" Ginny said and followed after Lester as he turned toward the -hallway.</p> - -<p>Crossing the room, they passed a young girl in a starched white blouse, -sitting at the dining table busily typing names and addresses on a -large stack of envelopes. She glanced up at them with no change of -expression and went on working.</p> - -<p>"Lester," Ginny said, touching Lester's sleeve, "I just want you to -know that I'm not mad any more. Not at you."</p> - -<p>"Me either," Lester said hastily and forged ahead.</p> - -<p>At the door to the hallway, they were forced to give way to a lush -and shapely blonde with very red lips. The girl wore a tight nurse's -uniform and carried a bottle in her hand. She bustled past them and -disappeared into the kitchen. They turned toward the nursery from -which was coming the sound of many voices, underscored with a curious -clicking noise.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Arriving at the nursery they stopped short at the threshold. The -room was fairly glutted with people, all talking and moving about at -the same time. In the far corner was a ticker tape machine, which -accounted for the frenetic clicking sound. In the center of all this -activity, A.P. looked on from his crib with an expression of enormous -satisfaction. Somewhere a telephone rang and, except for the clicking -of the machine, the room fell magically silent. A young man with -thick-rimmed spectacles produced the phone from the floor, answered it, -then brought it forward to A.P.'s crib.</p> - -<p>"For you, A.P.," he said briskly. "Brandish out on the Coast."</p> - -<p>A.P. nodded sagely and gave his attention to the phone. He listened -briefly, pursing his lips.</p> - -<p>"Now, just a minute there, Hank," he broke in, "you should be the last -one to question my judgment after this morning. Central Mines paid off, -didn't they? You're darned right they did, and handsomely, too. Now, -I'm telling you, and I'm not going to repeat myself—put your gains on -Spartan Steel. And remember, I'm in for twenty per cent for the tip. -That's right. Goodbye."</p> - -<p>He nodded to the young man who promptly removed the phone from his ear -and took it away. At the doorway, Lester stepped resolutely into the -room.</p> - -<p>"Now, just a second!" he said loudly. "What do all you people think -you're doing in my house?"</p> - -<p>All eyes swiveled in his direction. A.P. looked around and frowned -slightly, as might an ancient warrior who had discovered that he had -been riveted into his armor with a gnat.</p> - -<p>"Oh, so you're back," he said mildly.</p> - -<p>"How did all these people get in here?" Lester demanded.</p> - -<p>"Well," A.P. said without rancor, "when I discovered I'd been -abandoned, I began to yell and, one by one, they began to show up."</p> - -<p>"But who are they?" Ginny asked weakly.</p> - -<p>"My staff," A.P. said grandly. "Variously—there's no need for -names—they are my private secretary, my social secretary, my -publicist, my business manager, my biographer, my Washington -representative, my personal news compiler and my lawyer. You no doubt -ran into my receptionist, my typist, my clerk and my dietician on your -way in."</p> - -<p>"We missed your clerk," Lester said shortly. "Just what do you and your -staff think you're up to?"</p> - -<p>"It's not what we think we're up to," A.P. said smoothly, "it's -what we <i>are</i> up to. Already, since just this morning, I have become -the financial advisor to the top ten industrialists in the nation, -and the President. By evening, I expect I will also be the world's -foremost news analyst, financier and political manipulator. I am even -considering an offer to appear in motion pictures, though I'm inclined -to regard any venture in the entertainment field as a trifle facetious -for someone who expects to take over the management of the nation—and -perhaps even the world."</p> - -<p>"A dictator!" Ginny cried thinly. "He's turned into a dictator!"</p> - -<p>"Oh, not quite yet," A.P. said. "That takes a little time—a few -weeks, anyway."</p> - -<p>"No!" Lester gasped.</p> - -<p>"No?" A.P. enquired. "What do you mean, no?"</p> - -<p>"You can't do this," Lester said. "It isn't right. I won't be the -father of a dictator."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A.P. sighed patiently. "I imagined you'd take some such prosaic -attitude," he murmured. "However, you'll get used to it in time. -Besides, I might point out that you're in no position to object. I can -get you on a child abandonment charge any time I want to." He smiled -significantly. "And now that you're here, it's just as well. I need a -little ready security to balance out a deal I'm putting through. I'd be -much obliged if you'd just sign over a deed to me for the house and the -car. It won't come to much, I know, but it'll see me through."</p> - -<p>"What!" Lester cried.</p> - -<p>"Of course you'll have to sign them into the name of my business -manager since I'm under age," A.P. explained, "but it will all be in -good order."</p> - -<p>"Now, look here, you!" Lester said. "Your mother and I have scrimped -and saved for these things, and...."</p> - -<p>"Oh, don't worry," A.P. broke in. "You'll get yours. In fact I mean to -retire you and mother within the next few days with a very tidy little -allowance. I'm picking up a farm in Connecticut on a foreclosure, and -you and mother can move up there—rent free—where you won't worry so -much. So you see...."</p> - -<p>The young man with the glasses stepped forward, a legal document -extended in his hand.</p> - -<p>Lester backed away. "I won't do it!" he said. "I won't sign anything!"</p> - -<p>A shocked silence fell over the room. It was as though a comrade had -stepped up to Malenkov and politely explained that he refused to -share his potato crop with the proletariat. A.P. narrowed his eyes -thoughtfully.</p> - -<p>"In that case," he said slowly, "I suppose I will have to report you -to the authorities for child neglect. You realize, of course, there -will be unprecedented publicity. By noon tomorrow I expect to have -world-wide coverage. You will be social lepers wherever you go."</p> - -<p>"Oh dear!" Ginny whimpered. "What'll we do, Lester?"</p> - -<p>"You have exactly thirty seconds to make up your mind," A.P. said. "I -have to get on with business."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>At this tense moment, the uniformed blonde entered the room with a -fresh bottle in her hand. She proceeded to the crib and leaned down to -A.P.</p> - -<p>"Your new formula, sir," she said throatily.</p> - -<p>Up to this point, Ginny had been a mere observer, looking on with dazed -bewilderment. Now, however, at the sight of the sultry blonde, a glint -that looked like militant and usurped maternalism flared in her eyes; -something deep and primitive came swiftly to the surface. With a small, -angry cry she strode forward and snatched the bottle from the blonde's -hand.</p> - -<p>"At least I can feed my own baby!" she cried, "even if he is a -monster!" Leaning down to the crib, she picked A.P. up and settled him -into the crook of her arm. "This is a lot of nonsense! All of it!"</p> - -<p>"Put me down!" A.P. commanded with displaced dignity. "Let go of me!"</p> - -<p>The blonde bristled with professional outrage. "Give me that child!" -she snapped. She took hold of A.P.'s arm. "I'm being paid a thousand -dollars a month to administer his feedings, and I'm going to earn my -money!"</p> - -<p>"You're overpaid!" Ginny said hotly, hugging A.P. to herself. "A -thousand dollars to feed a baby!"</p> - -<p>"Put me down!" A.P. wheezed as the nurse made another grab for him. -"Both of you!"</p> - -<p>The telephone rang sharply, and the young man ran to it.</p> - -<p>"You be quiet!" Ginny told A.P. sternly. "Don't talk back to your -mother!"</p> - -<p>"That's right!" Lester said, striding forward. "Or your father, either!"</p> - -<p>"I'll report you!" A.P. yelled. "I'll tell the authorities!"</p> - -<p>The nurse pulled at A.P. violently. "Give him to me!" she cried.</p> - -<p>"Put me down this instant!" A.P. insisted. "I demand it!"</p> - -<p>Lester shook a finger under the nurse's nose. "You let go of him!" he -thundered. He took hold of A.P.'s chubby leg. "He's ours!"</p> - -<p>The young man darted forward frantically with the phone. "It's Evans -of Tantamount Publications!" he yelled above the uproar. He grasped -A.P.'s head and jammed it next to the receiver. "He's ready to close -the deal!"</p> - -<p>"Put me down!" A.P. shrilled into the phone. "Let go of me, all of -you!"</p> - -<p>"Give him back!" Ginny hissed at the nurse. "You get out of my house!"</p> - -<p>"He's my responsibility, I guess," the nurse shot back, pulling harder. -"I'm getting paid for this!"</p> - -<p>"Not to rip my leg off, you're not!" A.P. screamed.</p> - -<p>"Evans wants an answer, A.P.!" The young man hollered. "Say something!"</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>While this murky atmosphere seethed and thickened inside the nursery, -the sun shone brightly outside, and the distant heavens were blue. They -were blue, that is, except to a single and very remote blemish. In the -timeless and vapored regions of Heaven's own dispatching department -there lay a distinct cloudiness that emanated mainly from the dismayed -faces of those two enterprising and well-intentioned angels, Mac and -Haywood.</p> - -<p>"Good grief, Haywood!" Mac gasped, gazing down hauntedly through -the mists of time, "they're yankin' the little bugger apart! It's -disgraceful!"</p> - -<p>"Yes, I know," Haywood said worriedly. "The whole affair is -disgraceful. I shudder to think what will happen to us when it comes -to light in the higher echelons."</p> - -<p>"We only wanted to do something nice," Mac said sadly. "How was we to -know the kid was going to be a stinkin' genius?"</p> - -<p>"The unknown element," Haywood sighed heavily. "The Higher Source. Even -angels can be wrong when they take authority into their own hands."</p> - -<p>"Who'd have thought a little baby could turn out to be such a rat?"</p> - -<p>"He's not a rat," Haywood said. "It's just that too much knowledge was -given to him all at once and he didn't know how to use it properly. It -only proves again that humans can only learn through experience. We've -made a tragic mistake, Mac."</p> - -<p>"And it's getting tragic-er by the minute," Mac said hollowly. "If that -kid gets hold of the world.... What'll they do to us, Haywood?"</p> - -<p>"I hesitate to even put it into words," Haywood murmured.</p> - -<p>"The way that kid's organized," Mac said, "he's a cinch to be a -world-wide scandal by sunset. Ain't there nothing we can do to stop it?"</p> - -<p>"I've been trying to think of something," Haywood said.</p> - -<p>Mac looked at him hopefully. "Give it everything you've got, Haywood," -he said. "You've got the brains."</p> - -<p>Slowly, Haywood began to drum his fingers on a nearby cloud bank....</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>At the focal point of this heavenly concern, A.P. finally managed to -raise his voice above the angry din that raged about him. His small -voice piped like a penny whistle.</p> - -<p>"Stop clutching at me!" he shrieked. "My diaper is coming loose!"</p> - -<p>The clutching however, did not stop, nor did the yanking, hauling, -and pulling. Slowly, the diaper slithered loose from A.P.'s pudgy -mid-section and dropped to the floor. The future dictator of the world -blushed furiously.</p> - -<p>"Stop!" he yelled. "For heaven's sake!"</p> - -<p>After a moment, the fact that they had literally snatched the poor -infant naked finally penetrated the minds of the struggling group. -There was a sudden shame-faced silence.</p> - -<p>"Well!" A.P. said indignantly, "the least you could do is turn me -over. Now, unhand me, the lot of you, before I really lose my temper!"</p> - -<p>Under this threat, all concerned acted almost as though under a -hypnotic command. Simultaneously, everyone withdrew their support. All -hands, so to speak, returned from active combat. The obvious, though -unforeseen, result followed swiftly and shockingly; A.P. dropped to -the floor, meeting its polished surface with the back of his head and a -dull, ominous thud.</p> - -<p>There was a sudden communal gasp, then horrified silence. Ginny was the -first to recover her voice.</p> - -<p>"He's dropped!" she said in a ghastly whisper. "On his head!"</p> - -<p>"He told us to let go of him," the nurse said.</p> - -<p>"He didn't mean all of us," a distinguished grey-haired gentleman said. -"I should have realized it."</p> - -<p>"It was as though my hand was taken away," Lester said wonderingly.</p> - -<p>Ginny stooped down and took A.P. gently in her arms. As she -straightened, the small form stirred and opened his eyes.</p> - -<p>"He's all right, isn't he?" a voice asked hopefully.</p> - -<p>Slowly, A.P.'s head lolled heavily to the side. In his eyes there was -a totally new expression, or, rather, a new lack of expression. The -young man with the glasses held the telephone forward.</p> - -<p>"Evans is still waiting for an answer, A.P.," he said.</p> - -<p>A.P.'s gaze seemed to penetrate the telephone and go beyond it. His -lips parted with a slack toothlessness that had not before been -apparent. Suddenly he began to cry, and his voice raised in a thin, -distinctly babyish howl.</p> - -<p>"Oh, no!" the young man whispered, and the telephone slowly slipped -from his hand.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Six years later, in another house and another suburb, where there was -no Mrs. Hilliard next door and their child was known merely as 'little -Freddie Holmes,' Lester and Ginny lived in quiet obscurity. If there -were those in the world who remembered the formidable A.P. they -never mentioned it publicly, presumably loathe to admit that they had -ever placed themselves at the command of a mere infant. Now, shifting -uneasily in his chair, Lester looked up worriedly as Ginny returned -from the hallway. He watched as she moved toward him and placed a hand -gently on his shoulder.</p> - -<p>"It's all right," Ginny said. "He's only listening to the music on the -radio."</p> - -<p>"That's good," Lester sighed. "He can't learn much from that."</p> - -<p>"We're both far too edgy about Freddie, dear," Ginny said. "After all, -he really hasn't shown any signs of dominating—not really since the -beginning."</p> - -<p>"I know," Lester said, "but what about this?" He held up the offending -class paper. "I still think this tendency to get 'excellents' is -dangerous."</p> - -<p>"I know, dear," Ginny said, "but the doctors all said he was perfectly -normal for a child of his intelligence." She patted his shoulder -consolingly. "He's just bright, that's all, and we mustn't worry about -it so much."</p> - -<p>Lester nodded wearily. "I suppose not," he said. 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