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*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 66029 ***

  STEWART KIDD MODERN PLAYS
  Edited by Frank Shay


  TWO SLATTERNS AND A KING




_Stewart Kidd Modern Plays_

_Edited by_ FRANK SHAY


To meet the immensely increased demands of the play-reading public and
those interested in the modern drama, Stewart Kidd are issuing under
the general editorship of Frank Shay a series of plays from the pens
of the world’s best contemporary writers. No effort is being spared
to secure the best work available, and the plays are issued in a form
that is at once attractive to readers and suited to the needs of the
performer and producer. _Buffalo Express_: “Each play is of merit. Each
is unlike the other. The group furnishes a striking example of the
realistic trend of the modern drama.”

From time to time special announcements will be printed giving complete
lists of the plays.


SHAM, a Social Satire in One Act. _By Frank G. Tompkins._

  Originally produced by Sam Hume, at the Arts and Crafts Theatre,
  Detroit.

  _San Francisco Bulletin_: “The lines are new and many of them are
  decidedly clever.”

  _Providence Journal_: “An ingenious and merry little one-act play.”


THE SHEPHERD IN THE DISTANCE, a Pantomime in One Act. _By Holland
  Hudson._

  Originally produced by the Washington Square Players.

  _Oakland Tribune_: “A pleasing pantomime of the Ancient East.”


MANSIONS, a Play in One Act. _By Hildegarde Flanner._

  Originally produced by the Indiana Little Theatre Society.

  _Three Arts Magazine_: “This thoughtful and well-written play of
  Characters and Ideals has become a favorite with Little Theatres and
  is now available in print.”


HEARTS TO MEND, a Fantasy in One Act. _By H. A. Overstreet._

  Originally produced by the Fireside Players, White Plains, N. Y.

  _St. Louis Star_: “It is a light whimsy and well carried out.”

  _San Francisco Chronicle_: “No one is likely to hear or read it
  without real and legitimate pleasure.”


SIX WHO PASS WHILE THE LENTILS BOIL. _By Stuart Walker._

  Originally produced by the Portmanteau Players at Christodora House,
  New York City.

  _Brooklyn Eagle_: “Literary without being pedantic, and dramatic
  without being noisy.”


OTHERS TO FOLLOW. _Bound in Art Paper. Each, net, .50_




  TWO SLATTERNS AND
  A KING

  A MORAL INTERLUDE

  By
  EDNA ST. VINCENT MILLAY

  Author of “Aria da Capo”, etc.

  First produced at Vassar College.

  [Illustration]

  CINCINNATI
  STEWART KIDD COMPANY
  PUBLISHERS




  COPYRIGHT, 1921
  STEWART KIDD COMPANY

  _All rights reserved_
  COPYRIGHT IN ENGLAND

No amateur or professional use permitted of “TWO SLATTERNS AND A KING”
without written authorization first obtained from Stewart Kidd Company,
121 East Fifth Street, Cincinnati, O., to whom all applications should
be addressed.




TWO SLATTERNS AND A KING


PERSONS

  THE KING
  CHANCE the VICE
  TIDY the false SLATTERN
  SLUT the true SLATTERN




  THE
  PROLOGUE
  AND THE
  EPILOGUE
  SPOKEN
  BY
  CHANCE




TWO SLATTERNS AND A KING




PROLOGUE

  I am that cunning infidel
  By men called CHANCE,--you know me well.
  It is through me you met your wives;
  Through me your harvest blights or thrives;
  And one and all, through me, to-day
  Hither you came to see the play,
  Which if your favor still you lend,
  As now, so on until the end,
  You shall be taught what way a King
  Though a sublime and awful thing
  And even wise, may come to be
  A laughing-stock,--and all through me!

  (_Exit_)

  (ENTER KING)

KING

  I am the King of all this land:
  I hold a sceptre in my hand;
  Upon my head I wear a crown;
  Everybody stands when I sit down. (_Sits_)

CHANCE (_Appearing to audience; he is invisible throughout the play to
  the other players in it._)

  Excepting me,--please bear in mind
  I sit whenever I feel inclined. (_Sits_)

KING

  Although my lands are wide and long,
  My walls right thick, my armies strong,
  I am not wholly satisfied.

CHANCE

  That is because you have no bride.

KING

  Who speaks?--Come forth and, if you dare,
  Say once again what causes my care!
  Why I am discontent with life!

CHANCE

  It is because you have no wife.

KING

  A woman in my royal house!
  A woman! A wife! A bride! A spouse!
  Bold stranger, this is not the cure,
  For a woman I could never endure!

CHANCE

  Per-CHANCE to-morrow you will find
  You have altered your imperial mind.

  (_Exeunt KING and CHANCE severally_)

  (ENTER TIDY)

TIDY

  I am TIDY, I have been
  All my life both neat and clean.
  From my outside to my in
  Clean am I unto my skin.
  Every day into a bucket
  My hands I dip, my head I duck it;
  And if the water plenty be
  I sometimes wet some more of me.
  This is my kitchen, where you will find
  All things pleasant and to your mind;
  Against the wall in orderly pairs--
  One, two,--one, two,--observe my chairs.
  In the middle of the room my table stands:
  I would not move it for many lands.
  My basins and bowls are all in their places;
  The bottoms of my pots are as clean as your faces.
  My kettle boils so cheerily,
  It is like a friendly voice to me;
  About my work I merrily sing,
  And I brush my hearth with a white duck’s wing.
  Oh, full is every cupboard, sharp is every knife!--
  My bright, sunny kitchen is the pride of my life!

  (_Exit TIDY_)

  (ENTER SLUT)

SLUT

  I am SLUT; I am a slattern,
  You must not take me for your pattern.
  I spend my days in slovenly ease;
  I sleep when I like and I wake when I please.
  My manners, they are indolent;
  In clutter and filth I am quite content.
  Here is my kitchen, where I stir up my messes,
  And wear out my old shoes and soiled silk dresses.
  My table sags beneath the weight
  Of stale food and unwashed plate;
  The cat has tipped the pitcher o’er,--
  The greasy stream drips onto the floor;
  Under the table is a broken cup--
  I am too tired to pick it up.

  (_Exit SLUT_)

  (ENTER KING)

KING

  Now I will no longer tarry
  For I think that I will marry.
  Now the one thing in my life
  Is to marry me a wife.
  But I will not be content
  With a wench that’s indolent,
  Or take a slattern for a spouse,--
  I will go from house to house,
  Unheralded--that there may be
  No cleaning up because of me--
  And that maid whose kitchen’s neatest
  Will I have to be my sweetest.

  (_Exit KING_)

  (CHANCE APPEARS)

CHANCE

  That I am absent do not fear
  For that you have not seen me here,
  For know, I oft invisibly
  Do move among the things you see;
  And to confuse and thwart the King
  Through Slut and Tidy, is a thing
  Dear to my nature,--therefore heed,
  And you shall see a show indeed!

  (_Exit CHANCE_)

  (_Enter TIDY in great disorder_)

TIDY

  Oh, dear, oh, dear, what shall I do?
  Oh, such a plight I never knew!
  Though I arose as is my way
  An hour before the break of day,
  Here it is noon, and nothing done;
  The milk has soured in the sun,
  And the sweet, pretty duck I broiled
  A neighbor’s dog has dragged and spoiled;
  I beat him with my hands and wept!
  Straight through the window then he leapt,
  And through the window after him,
  With scratchéd face and bruiséd limb,
  And on through mire and briar and bog
  Hours and hours I chased that dog,
  Stumbling, uttering awful cries--
  While into my kitchen swarmed the flies!
  I came back at half-past ten!
  Oh, what a sight did greet me then!
  My fair white sheets I hung so fine
  Down in the black muck under the line!
  And out of the oven from cakes ’n’ pies ’n’
  Beautiful tarts the thick smoke risin’!
  I knelt down my tarts to remove,
  And my quince jelly that stood on the stove
  Up did boil, and, as you see,
  Boiled itself all over me!--
  All over the floor, all over the room,--
  Whereat I ran to fetch the broom--
  The broom! The broom--instead of the mop!
  To fetch a broom to wipe up slop!
  And with its handle smashed the clock’s face,
  Getting glass all over the place,
  And knocked the dishes off the shelf,
  And fell to my knees and cut myself,
  And wept and cried and when I would rise
  Could not see for the tears in my eyes;
  So tripped on a chair and, to save a fall,
  Caught at the table, then flat did sprawl,
  Dragging the table down with me,
  And everything on it, as well you may see!
  I cannot live in such a state!
  But where to begin is past my pate!

  (_Enter KING_)

KING

  I am the King of all these lands:
  Down upon your knees and hands.
  Wishing to marry me, I have said
  That the tidiest maiden I would wed
  In all my realm, wherefore I go
  From kitchen to kitchen, that I may know
  And judge for myself what maid is worth
  To sit at my side in feasting and in mirth.
  Untidy Spill-time, it is easy to see
  That my fair bride you never will be.

TIDY

  Oh, great King, hear me when I say
  This has been a most unusual day!
  It is by chance alone you see
  In such a state my kitchen and me!
  I can set us both to rights in a minute!

KING

  In vain! I have set a trap and caught you in it!
  Vain, wench, your lies and your pretense!
  I see what I see and I hie me hence!

  (_Exit KING_)

  (_Exit TIDY, weeping_)

  (ENTER SLUT)

SLUT

  Lest you know me not in this disguise
  I tell you I am SLUT, and I tell you no lies.
  My face and my hands are clean and neat;
  Fresh is my frock, trim are my feet.
  But I assure you you are not wrong
  To think that so tidy I shall not be for long.
  And if the story you wish from me,
  I will tell you how this came to be:
  Dull was the day and tedious my book;
  I saw no pleasure wherever I might look;
  I had done everything that I knew how to do,
  And I could think of nothing new.
  But at last I thought of one
  Thing that I had never done.
  And I said, “I will take a broom,
  And I will sweep this room!
  I will wash this floor!”
  I had never washed it before--
  “All things in order will I arrange,
  Although I hate order, for it will be a change.”
  So here I am, as you can see--
  I and my kitchen as clean as can be.
  But in a room as clean as this
  My bones ache and I find no bliss.
  So watch, and soon it will appear
  Much less orderly and drear.

  (_Enter KING_)

KING

  Down upon your knees and hands!
  I am the King of all these lands.
  Wishing to marry me, I have said
  That the tidiest maiden I would wed
  In all my realms, wherefore I go
  From kitchen to kitchen that I may know--
  Yet stay! This kitchen is so tidy,
  I think that you must be my bridey!
  As far and wide as I have been
  So neat a kitchen I have not seen;
  Therefore I say you are my wife,
  For the remainder of your life.

SLUT (_aside_)

  To point him out his error at first I intended,
  But least said is soonest mended.

  (_Exeunt KING with SLUT_)

  (_Enter TIDY_)

TIDY

  Now once again with me
  All is as it is wont to be.
  Now once again you see me stand
  The tidiest lady in the land.
  If the King should see me now
  He would tell a different tale, I trow.

  (_Enter KING_)

KING

  Oh, lovely lady, who are you,
  That I am a talking to?

TIDY

  She am I whom you did scorn
  This very day at morn.

KING

  It may not be as you have said,
  For you would I gladly wed!

TIDY

  I thank you for the favor, but
  They tell me you have married SLUT!

KING

  Oh, cock’s bones! And strike me dead!
  Is it a Slut that I have wed?

  (_Enter SLUT dressed as at first_)

SLUT

  So here you dally whilst I sit at home!
  Never any more abroad shall you roam,
  But sit at home with me for the rest of your life,
  For I am your lawful wedded wife!

KING

  Oh, woe is me, what a life will be mine!

SLUT

  It is too late now to repine:
  Home with me you come for the rest of your life,
  For SLUT is your lawful wedded wife!

  (_Exit SLUT with KING_)

TIDY

  A slattern is a fearful sight,--ah, me!
  What pleasure it gives so tidy to be!

  (_Exit TIDY_)

EPILOGUE

  Now that the play is at an end,
  By CHANCE _you_ have enjoyed it, friend;
  By CHANCE to _you_ his sweet was gall;
  By CHANCE _you_ slumbered through it all.
  Howe’er it be, it was by CHANCE
  The KING was led so merry a dance,
  By CHANCE that TIDY met disgrace,
  By CHANCE alone SLUT washed her face;
  From morn to eve the whole day long
  It was by CHANCE that things went wrong.
  Wherefore, good friends, t’ escape derision,
  Be not o’er hasty in your decision,
  For he who heedeth not this rule
  BY CHANCE HE WILL BE CALLED A FOOL!




TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE:


  Italicized or underlined text is surrounded by underscores: _italics_.

*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 66029 ***