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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..45a077f --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #66014 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/66014) diff --git a/old/66014-0.txt b/old/66014-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 435b9d5..0000000 --- a/old/66014-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,3698 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Laughter of Toffee, by Charles F. Myers - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: The Laughter of Toffee - -Author: Charles F. Myers - -Release Date: August 8, 2021 [eBook #66014] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -Produced by: Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online Distributed - Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LAUGHTER OF TOFFEE *** - - - - - THE LAUGHTER OF TOFFEE - - By Charles F. Myers - - Marc's troubles began the moment Hotshot - Harold planted the miracle elixir on him. Then - came a bevy of cops--Toffee--and X-ray eyes.... - - [Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from - Imagination Stories of Science and Fantasy - October 1954 - Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that - the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.] - - -To the casual observer that morning Marc Pillsworth presented only the -picture of a rather loose-jointed, yet constrained, businessman on his -way to another orderly day at the office. One would hardly have guessed -that he was striding forward into the first leg of a journey that was -destined to take him on a shrieking, streaking sleigh ride of madness, -frenzy and crime. Indeed, Marc himself would never have dreamed that -such a thing was even possible. - -The trouble was, of course, that this was the first day of spring. -The world had finally shrugged itself free of winter and, with a toss -of its golden curls, was unmistakably casting about for some sort of -foolishness to get into. The sun was burgeoning bright in the sky, -green things were intruding their heads impertinently through the warm -soil along the sidewalks and the breezes, gentle and flirtatious, -were fingering the voluminous skirts of the passing shop girls. The -inhabitants of the city, to the man, were feeling pleasantly silly in -the head. - -To the man, that is, except for Marc. - -Marc, founder, president, guiding genius and devoted slave to the -Pillsworth Advertising Agency, felt merely dyspeptic. Making his way -past the shops with their blossoming window boxes, he loathed the -spring. At the moment, in fact, there was only one thing that Marc -loathed more than the spring and that was Mario Matalini, the eminent -Italian portrait artist. - -Marc had never before experienced jealousy and it came to him now as a -singularly unpleasant sensation. For one thing, it gave him gas. - -Though he had been married long enough to have achieved a certain -complacency about matrimony in general, every time he thought of -Julie and Mario alone at the country house, he automatically burped. -Italians, it was said, were notoriously affected by cold blonde beauty, -and Julie on occasion, resembled nothing so much as a tantalizing and -unattainable angel carved from ice. It was a combination that was not -reassuring. - -The trip to the country, of course, had been Mario's idea. It had come -to him in a gaudy flash of inspiration the very evening Julie had -commissioned him to do her portrait. - -"Ah, Madonna Mia!" the mustachioed artist had crooned revoltingly. "You -shall be my masterpiece! I can feel it now. There is the season of -spring in your lovely face--the enigma, the withholding, the promise!" -His dark eyes caressed her classic features, and he leaned forward -abruptly. "I know!" he breathed. "I shall paint you surrounded by -nature--on the very first day of spring! You will be like a goddess, -with the new grasses and the first green leaves everywhere around you!" -He sighed delicately. "I have never done a portrait in this manner, -but how can I confine such a subject to a dismal studio?" He smiled at -Julie as though Marc were not even in the room. "It is true, is it not, -that you own one of the handsomest country houses in the state?" - -Marc had opened his mouth to protest, but Julie's eyes were aglow with -the vision of herself as a spring-time goddess. The damage had been -done and there was no patching it up. - -The two of them had been at the country house for a week now, looking -for the perfect setting for the portrait, waiting for the perfect day -to begin it. With each passing day Marc had grown a bit uneasier. Of -course Mr. Busby, the caretaker, made a splendid chaperon, but there -was still something about Mario that just naturally put your teeth on -edge. - -Business had prevented his joining the pilgrimage to the country; -the summer advertising campaigns, now in preparation, demanded the -last measure of his personal attention. As an active guardian of his -castle and his wife's virtue, he found himself seriously hampered. With -this dark thought looming in his mind, he burped anew and halted his -office-bound progress to enter a drug store. A man could hardly expect -to retain his clients' good will by belching in their faces. - - * * * * * - -Inside the store, he proceeded to the pharmacist's counter at the rear. -There, he found himself confronted by a balding, fastidious individual -in a white jacket whose gaze was fastened tenaciously on the remarkable -legs of the silken brunette who presided at the nearby cosmetics -counter. As Marc cleared his throat, the man looked up with eyes that -were gently bemused. - -"Yes?" he inquired disinterestedly. - -Marc leaned forward. "I need something for gas," he said. - -The druggist smiled blandly, but his gaze drifted back to the -fascinating legs. "Grass?" he murmured dreamily. "Grass seed is at the -front of the store. - -"Not grass," Marc said. "I don't want grass. 'Gas' is what I said." - -"Gas?" the druggist sighed. "We don't carry gas. May I suggest a -filling station?" - -"You don't understand," Marc said. "I don't _want_ gas, I want to get -rid of it." - -The druggist regarded him uncertainly. "No sale, pal," he said. "I -don't need any." - -"Don't need any what?" Marc asked. The conversation was beginning to -make him feel a bit dizzy. - -"Gas," the druggist said. "Are you selling, door to door, or are you -giving it away in samples?" - -"I'd certainly like to give it away," Marc said testily. "I know just -the person for it." - -"No one will take it, eh?" the druggist said. "That's human nature -for you. It's like this fellow who tried to give away hundred dollar -bills...." - -"I think we're at cross-purposes here," Marc broke in anxiously. "I -have this gas, you see, and I want to get rid of it. Can you help me or -can't you?" - -"Well," the druggist said undecidedly, "I suppose I can ask around. -But tell me this, why do you want to get rid of this gas? Is there -something funny about it?" - -"I'd hardly call it funny," Marc said stiffly. "It makes an awful -noise." - -"Noise?" the druggist said. "Why should it make a noise?" - -"It just does!" Marc said angrily. "I can't control it." - -"Then no wonder no one will take it. There's your answer right there." - -"I think you must be mad," Marc said shortly. - -"I think one of us must be," the druggist agreed. He surveyed Marc's -lean frame wonderingly. "Why do you keep on with this gas of yours if -it makes these disgusting noises?" - -"I don't want to keep on with it," Marc said desperately. "That's why I -came to you." - -"And on such a beautiful day, too," the druggist murmured sadly. A new -thought struck him and he glanced up sharply. "Where do you keep this -awful gas of yours?" - -"On my stomach, of course," Marc said hotly. "Where would I keep it?" - -Slowly the light of realization dawned in the druggist's face. "Oh! -What you mean is you have gas on the stomach!" - -"Yes," Marc said, drawing himself up. "But there's no need to shout it -out to the entire store, is there?" - -"You'll have to excuse me," the druggist said apologetically. "I don't -know what's come over me today." His gaze reverted briefly to the legs -across the aisle. "I guess there's something in the air this morning." - -"I guess so," Marc said shortly. "But do you have something for my -gas?" - -"Why, surely," the druggist said grandly. He reached under the counter -and produced a small brown bottle filled with a syrupy liquid. "A -little mixture of my own. Just drink it down and your worries are over. -Just put it in your pocket. I couldn't charge you after all we've been -through together." - -Marc slipped the bottle into his coat pocket. He started to murmur his -thanks, but the druggist's attention had returned permanently to harbor -at the cosmetics counter. Marc shrugged and walked out of the store. - -There certainly was something in the air, Marc reflected as he strode -toward the corner, an almost tangible kind of madness. The coming of -spring had turned the world giddy. You could feel it everywhere. In the -country, where spring was so much more in evidence, the feeling was -probably just that much more intense.... But he tried not to dwell on -that. - - * * * * * - -At the corner the signal turned to red and as the traffic moved forward -in a rush, Marc stepped back to the curb to wait. Lost in his own -thought, he was not aware of the small hawk-beaked individual who -had stopped beside him until a pallid, nervous hand tugged lightly at -his sleeve. From his height of six feet two, he turned to look down -annoyedly at the crown of a drab bowler hat and the shoulders of a -shabby brown suit. Shiftily the little man glanced sideways, then -grinned up at him. - -"Hey, man," he said furtively, "how about a look at some hot stuff -straight from Paris, France. It's the real thing." - -"I beg your pardon?" Marc said stiffly. - -"You know," the little man said with an odious wink, "dames with their -skin showin'--all the way down." With the quick movement of a conjurer -he turned his hand and produced for Marc's edification the photograph -of a dark-haired, not-so-young lady, peering back lasciviously over a -shoulder that was bare clear down to the soles of her feet. Flushing -with surprise and embarrassment, Marc looked away. - -"That's one of the tame ones," the little hustler said. "Man, the -others will stone you! Dig?" - -"I do not dig," Marc said tersely, "and I do not wish to be stoned. -Please go away." - -"You mean you don't care about feminine pulchritude?" the little man -asked in a scandalized tone. - -"I am not interested in dirty postcards," Marc said. "As a respectable -married man...." - -The little man made a sharp sound of alarm. "You got trouble, man," -he said. "Respectable and married too! I bet you're a big bomb around -the house. There's nothin' a woman hates worse than bein' married to a -respectable married man." - -Mercifully, the light chose that moment to change, and Marc turned -away. The nervous hand, however, again caught at his sleeve. - -"Hold up, man," the little man said urgently. He produced a small brown -bottle from the inner reaches of his disreputable suit. "I like to see -people happy, man, and if ever I saw a guy in a bind, it's you. So, in -your case, I'll make you an extra special exception. I'll give you a -crack at this single last remaining bottle of genuine French Elixir." - -"Let go of my sleeve," Marc said evenly. - -The hand, nevertheless, remained. "You see here, right in front of -your own eyes, one of the rare, unattainable hard-to-get exotic spring -tonics of the world. It lifts the spirit and opens the eyes. It ain't -harmful or habit-formin'." - -Marc frowned severely. "I am not, nor do I care to become, a dope -addict." - -"This ain't no dope, man," the little man insisted. "I told you! It -gives a guy a new perspective." - -"From which he can more clearly look at the photographs of naked -ladies? If that's your idea of...." - -Marc stopped, for his adversary, seemed suddenly to go mad. Blanching, -the little man hurled himself forward, apparently out of control. -Colliding with Marc, he grabbled wildly with him for a moment, then -abruptly shoved himself away. For a moment Marc was completely at a -loss to explain this startling performance; then he caught sight of the -policeman approaching from across the street. - -"Sorry, man!" the purveyor of erotics said hastily and, with that, he -darted off down the street. - -In almost the same instant, the policeman gained the curbing on the -run. He cast Marc a swift glance but kept on rapidly down the street. - -Marc watched the chase bemusedly as it continued half way up the block, -then out of sight into the entrance of an alley. He hoped the little -peddler would be caught; a salesman of smutty pictures only added -to the loose atmosphere of the day. He turned away, heading for the -office. And then he stopped. - - * * * * * - -Actually it was the little man's remark about the wives of respectable -married men that halted Marc's step. Suddenly it struck him that -perhaps this message had been delivered to him, through Fate, as a -sort of warning. He pondered for a moment with furrowed brow, then, -resolutely, he turned again and started back the way he had come. He -had definitely made up his mind. Julie had taken the convertible, but -the coupe was still in the garage. If he started out now, he could be -at the country house well before noon, and Mario could be fired, packed -and sent on his way before sunset. Business, for this one day, would -have to wait. - -His course of action set, Marc continued determinedly down the -street. His only fear, now, was that he might be too late. Julie, -quite extraordinarily, had taken her prized and priceless collection -of jewels to the country, a fact which was so highly significant and -disturbing. Julie was so inordinately proud of her jewels that she -never removed them from the vault except for the most special of -special occasions. Just what sort of special occasion she had been -contemplating this time, Marc dreaded to think. By the time he had -reached the alley, he had quite forgotten about the little man and -the pursuing policeman. He started violently, therefore, when the -policeman suddenly materialized from the mouth of the alley and grabbed -him roughly by the shoulder. - -"Here you!" the policeman snarled. "Hold up there!" - -"Who?" Marc said weakly. "Me?" - -"Not your Aunt Fanny," the cop said sourly. His face was an angry -crimson from running. "I seen you back there with Hotstuff." - -"Hotstuff?" Marc said. "Oh, you mean the pictures that...." - -"Don't give me that, mac," the cop growled. "Don't tell me you are just -an innocent bystander. If you ain't that guy's confederate...." - -"Confederate!" Marc wheezed. "Now, do I look like the sort of person -who...." - -"Exactly, mac," the cop said. "I'm used to you smooth operators." He -reached in Marc's pocket and deftly removed a small packet of picture -postcards. "And these look exactly like the kind of pictures you'd be -sellin'." - -Marc gazed down dumbly at the postcards. "Those aren't mine!" he -gasped. "He must have planted them on me." - -"Yeah," the cop drawled, "I've heard that one before, too." - -"Now, officer," Marc said reasonably, "can you honestly think for one -minute...." - -"I honestly can, mac," the cop said heavily. "Now come along quietly." -He took Marc's arm in an iron grasp. "Be my guest." - - * * * * * - -Marc surveyed the cold grey boundaries of his cell and burped furiously. - -"Tell it to the judge," the guard said and, extracting the key from the -lock, ambled off down the passage. - -"I certainly shall!" Marc yelled after him. "This is the most flagrant -abuse of authority...." He gave it up and looked around at the -two-tiered bunk against the wall. He walked over to it and sat down -gingerly on the edge of the lower section and rested his chin in his -hand. Raking back an unruly shock of sandy hair he gazed down at the -floor with bewildered helplessness. - -It was astonishing how swiftly life could become a rotten apple. Only a -few minutes ago he had been a free and respected citizen on his way to -a day of honest work; now he was a jail bird held on a charge of moral -wrong-doing. The results could be disastrous, both to his business and -his marriage. Julie would not regard the affair lightly; after all the -pictures _had_ been found on his person, no matter how they happened to -be there. - -Now, his desire to get to the country was twofold. His mind filled with -gloom, his gaze wandered across the floor and to the opposite wall. It -lingered for a moment at the lower area of the wall, then leaped upward -to a drawing which evidently was the handiwork of a previous inmate. - -Whoever the artist had been, his eye for the feminine form was both -exact and subtle. The girl of the drawing, though scantily clad, was, -unlike the nude photographs, in no way distasteful. She reclined in -space, one slender leg outstretched, a look of artful speculation in -her eyes. Her hand was at her hair, having caught its silken strands -between her tapering fingers. - -Marc's gaze held to the drawing with unaccountable fascination. It -wasn't just the excellence of the sketch that held him, but something -more. Staring fixedly at the girl on the wall, it came to him that -perhaps she reminded him of someone he knew. Then suddenly it came to -him in a flash. - -"Toffee!" he whispered. - -He withdrew his gaze hastily from the drawing, trying to force his -thoughts into other, less dangerous channels. At the moment, Toffee was -the last thing he wanted on his mind. - -The truth of the matter was that Toffee was a phenomenon to which Marc -would never completely adjust. The thought that, within the depths -of his own subconscious, there was a personality of such force and -completeness that she had assumed a will and strength all her own, -was simply too much for him. It would always upset Marc that his mere -awareness of Toffee was enough to project into reality a living, -breathing, hell-raising creature who was very much flesh and bone. - -It was also alarming that Toffee was so completely untouched by worldly -inhibitions. Not of this earthly realm, and therefore unaware of its -mores and social dogmas, the girl had an absolute genius for saying and -doing, in any given situation, the very thing most likely to curdle the -blood and curl the hair. Worse still, though, was her curious sense of -economy which caused her to regard her own physical perfection--her -flaming red hair, her vivid green eyes and her scandalously voluptuous -figure--as mere commodities that could not possibly be permitted to -languish. To her way of thinking, that these remarkable gifts should be -left unobserved, unadmired and unused was purely and shockingly sinful. - -Not by any stretch of the imagination was Toffee the proper subject -with which to concern one's thoughts in a jail cell. With a shudder, -Marc forced his attention to his immediate predicament and leaned back -in his bunk. - -The shock of his incarceration was beginning to wear off a bit now, and -with its passing it suddenly occurred to him that, as yet, he hadn't -even been permitted to call his lawyer. Righteous indignation surging -through him, and unmindful of the steel support immediately above his -head, he jumped up. - -The results were immediate and decisive. From Marc's point of view -there was merely a sudden surprising explosion of brilliant lights -inside his skull as his head struck the metal support, and the floor, -insanely, began to rise, embracingly, almost seductively, to meet him. - - * * * * * - -In the next moment he was enfolded into a world of dark beauty where -illusive glimmerings in the distance gave off a curious sound that was -the tinkling of very small bells. For a moment he floated langorously, -then, taking bearings on a shimmering blue star, he glided forward. -Just as he drew close to it, however, it shattered into a million -glittering fragments and vanished. - -Then he fell. - -He landed on his back in a sprawl and, as he did so, the scene, like -a motion picture hastily projected on a screen, leaped, all at once, -into being. He glanced around at the mossy, gently-sloping hillside, -the grove of finely plumed trees and the playful blue mists trailing -lightly down the rise. - -Marc observed these surroundings without alarm. He knew at a glance -that he had retreated into the valley of his subconscious mind and, now -that he was there, he was just as glad. He ran his hand sensuously over -the soft greenness upon which he lay and turned his eyes heavenward to -the warmly glowing, yet sunless, sky. Then, folding his hands beneath -his head, he lay back and closed his eyes. - -A moment passed, then there was a quick stirring at his side. Two -slender fingers closed viciously over his left ear and twisted. - -"Stinker!" a voice hissed. "Redolent reptile!" - -Marc sat up abruptly. "Hey!" he yelled. Toffee's pert face was almost -nose to nose with his own. "Let go!" - -"If I do," Toffee threatened, "it will only be to grab something much -worse!" - -"Don't be vulgar," Marc said uneasily. - -She was kneeling beside him, her red hair cascading like inverted -flame on one beautifully-molded shoulder. Her green eyes were aglitter -with a lovely fury. As always, she was clothed only in the brief -emerald tunic which, because of its extreme transparency, did nothing -to hide her lithesome body, though it made up for this failure by -accentuating each softly-curved perfection to the utmost. On her feet -was a pair of gold sandals of some undetermined material. - -"I should twist your faithless head off," she said. "In fact I've been -keeping some plasma on ice just in case I decide to murder you in cold -blood." - -"This is hardly the greeting I expected," Marc said, nursing his ear. - -"Of course not," Toffee said. "You expected me to fawn on you. You -wanted me to chuck you under the chin and stroke your brow. Well, if I -ever do, it will probably be with a ball bat." - -"I'm darned if I see what you're so sore about," Marc said injuredly. - -"You don't?" Toffee said. "I should be content, I suppose, just because -you're here! Well, I'm not. I saw what you were thinking about me a -while ago." - -"What I was thinking?" - -"Good old Toffee!" Toffee sighed. "Keep her repressed. Let her -languish. Let her rot. Who cares that this is the first day of spring -and everyone else is enjoying it?" She traced the curve of his jaw -fatefully with her finger. "I ought to bust you one." - -"But I was having so much trouble...." Marc protested weakly. - -"Trouble!" Toffee said. "You just _thought_ you had trouble." - -Marc met her insinuating gaze with a sense of inner trembling. "What do -you mean by that?" he asked. - -"Guess," Toffee said. "Just guess." - -"You wouldn't materialize, would you? You wouldn't...." - -"Give the man a cigar, a baby doll and a kick in the pants," Toffee -said lightly. "You got it right on the first try." - -Marc paled. "But you can't!" he said. "Not now!" - -"Can't I?" - -"But you mustn't!" - - * * * * * - -Toffee lowered herself sinuously to his side and leaned close to him. -She observed him amusedly through langorously lowered lids. "You're -going to see a lot of me, lover," she crooned, "in more ways than one. -If you want a word of sound advice, just relax and enjoy it. That way, -you won't get quite so messed up." - -"Now, don't ..." Marc said thinly. "This is no time for nonsense!" - -"This is precisely the time for nonsense," Toffee said, slipping a -cool, slim arm determinedly around his neck. - -"Don't start anything!" Marc cried, trying without success to -disentangle himself. "Let go of me, you thinly-draped hussy." - -"I only wonder why I'm so good to you," Toffee sighed. "I suppose it's -because you may not live much longer--if you don't behave yourself." - -"You're not good to me!" Marc said desperately. "You're awful! You're -worse than...." - -Whatever Toffee was worse than never came to light, for Marc's words -were smothered beneath a warm, lingering kiss that went beyond words. A -moment passed before she released him. - -"There," Toffee said. "Now it doesn't matter if you survive; your life -has been rich and full." - -"Now, see here, you," Marc said forcefully. "If you're thinking I'm -going to lounge around with you...." - -"I'm only wondering if you're strong enough," Toffee said. - -"Stop saying things like that!" Marc said, holding his voice steady -with an effort. "I'm not exaggerating when I say that you absolutely -must not materialize--not even a finger!" - -"Oh, never just a finger!" Toffee said with false alarm. "I intend to -go much farther than that." - -"Evidently," Marc said. "But you must realize...." - -He stopped, for suddenly the valley had begun to blur, strangely, as -though it were seen through a panel of water-washed glass. Even as the -words died in his throat, a heavy greyness dripped through the sky, -dulling its radiance. On the horizon, the odd, feathery trees seemed -to melt and merge, and the grass upon which they were sitting became a -wavering sea of misty green. - -"Oh, my gosh!" Marc gasped. He turned to Toffee, his eyes filled with -alarm. "Now, you've got to take me seriously...." - -"Oh, I will!" Toffee said happily, locking her arms around his neck. -"I'm going to be positively grim about you!" - -"No!" Marc cried. "Let go of me!" The darkness was coming rapidly now, -and the last traces of the sky were nearly gone. "Let go!" - -"If I feel myself slipping," Toffee said breathlessly, "I'll just hook -my fingers in your ears." She drew her lips close to his ear. "Lover," -she murmured, "I'm going to stick to you like a barnacle on a boat. -You'll never scrape me off!" - - * * * * * - -Marc stirred. He inched his hand forward tentatively over the cold -relentless surface of the floor and opened his eyes. For a moment he -couldn't think where he was, then the dull grey walls and the barred-in -opening that looked out on the passage brought it all back to him. He -raised himself to his knees and crawled forward. He grasped the bars -and dragged himself partially upright. Then he froze, staring fixedly -ahead. - -At first it seemed only that his sight had dulled. Then slowly, out in -the passage, the haziness before him began to take form, languidly, -easily, gathering itself into a dismaying solidity. A bit at a time, -Toffee, working from the toes up, appeared in all her vivid aliveness -on the other side of the bars. Standing there against the background of -iron greyness, she seemed even more outrageously alive and lovely than -she had in his subconscious mind. And also more naked. She turned to -Marc and regarded him quizzically. - -"Oh, no!" Marc wailed. "No, no! You can't be here!" - -"But I am," Toffee said brightly. She studied the bars between them -with an air of bafflement. "What are you doing in that cage? Why don't -you come out?" - -"I can't come out," Marc said. "This is a jail. I'm locked in." - -"And I'm locked out," Toffee observed without favor. "We'll never get -anywhere that way. Where do I go to get the key?" - -"You can't get the key," Marc said. "The jailer--or somebody--has -it--out there." He made a vague gesture toward the iron door at the end -of the passage. - -"Then, I'll go ask him for it," Toffee said blandly and started away. - -"No!" Marc yelled. "Don't go out there! Not like that!" He pressed -urgently against the bars. "Come back here!" - -Perhaps it was the effort or maybe it was the awful thought of Toffee -loose in the jail, but suddenly it was all too much for him. Marc's -knees buckled and he slid toward the floor. Slowly he crumpled and -sprawled backwards. With an anguished murmur he passed out. - -At the end of the passage, reaching for the door, Toffee quickly faded -and vanished into thin air. - -It was only three minutes later when Sergeant Feeney, absorbed in a -copy of Shocking Stories, looked up apprehensively over the edge of the -magazine and turned a ghastly white. If he had not been mistaken--and -he certainly had not--there was an odd sort of fuzziness in the air -just beyond his feet at the other side of the desk. As he watched this -clouded bit of atmosphere, it alarmingly solidified, a bit at a time, -and became a strikingly beautiful redhead, clothed merely in what -appeared to be a pair of translucent kitchen curtains. The sergeant -gulped, and the magazine, which was already trembling like a leaf in a -wind storm, dropped from his nerveless hand. - -"Here, now!" Sergeant Feeney gulped. "What do you think you are up to, -you?" - -As soon as he had spoken, the sergeant was overwhelmed with a sense of -his own utter foolishness; the girl was obviously nothing more than a -trick of imagination and everyone knew that such things, no matter how -industriously one might question them, could not answer back. - -"I'm looking for the key," Toffee replied amiably. "Marc fainted, but -I guess he's better now, or I wouldn't be here, would I? I have to go -away when he's asleep but when he wakes up I come right back again." - - * * * * * - -The sergeant jumped to his feet, upsetting his chair with a deafening -clatter. "Here, now!" he yelled. "Stop that!" - -"Stop what?" Toffee asked innocently. - -"Stop talking to me, now!" Sergeant Feeney gasped. "I'm a sober upright -minion of the law, and it's not right that the likes of you should come -jabberin' around so's I can hear it." - -"Well, I don't see why not," Toffee said bewilderedly. "How am I going -to get the key, if I don't ask you for it?" - -"There you go again!" the sergeant wailed. Trembling in every fiber of -his great hulking being, he turned away from her. "If you don't stop -it, now," he said, "I'm going to close my eyes, and then you won't be -there." - -"But I have to have the key," Toffee protested. - -"That does it!" the sergeant said woundedly. He closed his eyes so -tightly they might never have existed. "There, now!" - -"Where?" Toffee said. - -The sergeant visibly flinched. "Where what?" he asked faintly. - -"Where's the key?" - -"What key, for heaven's sake?" - -"The key to the cages, of course. Where is it?" - -The sergeant sighed. Then he straightened, and when he spoke again -there was an edge of craftiness to his voice. "If I point out the key -to you, will you take it and go away?" - -"Instantly," Toffee agreed. - -Promptly the sergeant pointed to the wall where the key hung on a metal -hook. "Help yourself," he said grandly. "And a pleasant journey to you." - -"Thank you very much," Toffee said. "For so complete an imbecile, -you've been most cooperative." Moving to the hook, she removed the key, -and swinging it lightly on her finger, left the room. - -The sergeant waited until he heard the door close, then opened his -eyes. Looking about, he began to chuckle to himself. - -"Now, isn't it a wonder how easy you can outsmart a hallucination?" he -said to himself. "She's gone away happy as a lark, and anybody knows a -mere thing out of the thin air could never steal a key." - - * * * * * - -Only five minutes later Marc and Toffee descended the steps of the jail -and paused for a moment in the sun. Marc, still a little woozy in the -head, waited for his thoughts to clear. - -"Are you sure he gave you that key?" he asked. - -"He fairly begged me to take it," Toffee said. She glanced around -happily at the bright spring day. "What wonderful weather," she said. -"It makes you want to buy things, doesn't it, scandalous things that -hold you in just enough so that you can go all out. If you know what I -mean." - -Marc glanced down at her brief costume. In the morning sun it seemed -almost non-existent. Quickly he took off his coat and held it out to -her. "Here!" he said imperatively, "put this on!" - -"On one condition," Toffee said. "I want a new dress. I'm through -hinting about it." - -"And you shall have one," Marc agreed. "No one ever needed one more -acutely." - -With mild regret Toffee put the coat on. In it, she looked rather -like a shapely scarecrow whose lack of hands had been more than amply -compensated for by a pair of stunningly formed legs. This settled, -Marc shook his head, just to get the remaining cobwebs out, and looked -around. - -"Are you sure this is all right," he asked, "my leaving like this?" - -"The man gave me the key, didn't he?" Toffee said. - -"I don't know," Marc said doubtfully. "I can't think quite clearly, but -somehow it doesn't seem quite regular." - -"Regularity is so dull," Toffee said, "in spite of what all those -cereal manufacturers say." - -Shrugging, Marc followed along as she started off down the street. A -passing delivery boy, catching sight of the briefly-draped redhead, -paused to whistle. Toffee waved at him happily and whistled back. - -"Don't do that!" Marc said. "Stop attracting attention to yourself!" - -Toffee grinned up at him. "It's myself that attracts attention to me," -she said. "You made me that way and I must say I dearly love you for -it." Glancing down the street, her gaze stopped at a tall department -store building which was fronted by long, gleaming show windows. She -pointed to it eagerly. "That looks wonderfully extravagant," she said. -"Let's go charge things to your account." - -As they approached the store, Marc's step became firmer, his head -unclouded. He stopped just outside the entrance with an abrupt burp. - -"I just remembered," he said. "I've got to get out to the country -house. I.... What am I going to do with you, though?" - -"You're going to buy me a ridiculous dress at a ridiculous price," -Toffee said. "We'll worry about Julie and her shabby amours with that -lecherous paint-dauber later." - -"How did you know about that?" Marc asked. - -"From sitting around in that arid mind of yours," Toffee said. -"Sometimes I tune in on what's going on just out of sheer boredom." - - * * * * * - -Meanwhile, within the jail, a moiling drama of considerable scope was -swiftly reaching a head. Sergeant Feeney had discovered, with much -goggling of the eyes, that hallucinations not only could steal keys, -but had. With a thrill of horror he called in the members of the force -on duty, six in all, and instituted an inspection of the cells. In due -time, it was noted that the jail's prize prisoner had flown the coop. - -"Mary, mother of triplets!" Sergeant Feeney shrieked. "We gotta get -that bird back in his cage before the chief hears of this!" - -"He couldn't have gotten too far away, sergeant," one of the city's -hearties observed moodily. "We better scour the streets, I think." - -"That's it!" Sergeant Feeney rasped, rushing blindly toward the -hallway. "Scour the streets men! Everybody scour! Follow me!" - - * * * * * - -Thus it was that Marc and Toffee, standing before the entrance to the -store, glanced casually back along the street just in time to witness -a disquieting eruption of blue-clad figures from the doorway of the -jail. So astonishing was the sight that they stood for a moment too -long watching it; Sergeant Feeney, catching sight of them, pointed an -excited finger in their direction. - -"There they are!" he roared. "After them, men!" - -"The bloodhounds!" Toffee yelled. Taking Marc's arm, she dragged him -forcibly through the entrance and inside the store. Counters laden with -colorful spring merchandise stretched before them in what seemed like -endless rows. A floor manager observed them curiously, and then moved -away. - -"Come on!" Toffee said. - -"You're insane!" Marc said. By now Toffee had led him to the stairs. -"We can't be bothered with dresses at a time like this." - -"I'm going to have a spring dress," Toffee said determinedly. "No -matter what!" - -A dark browed lady, upon overhearing this snatch of dialogue, -observed the ascending pair with brooding thoughtfulness. She turned -triumphantly to the pallid, grey-suited individual at her side, on whom -had befallen the misfortune of becoming her husband. - -"There!" she said, pointing up the stairs to Toffee's flashing legs. -"That's exactly what I'm going to do next time I tell you I haven't -anything to wear and you ignore me. I'm going to strip down to the skin -and shame you in public. Then we'll see!" - -"Then, everyone will see," the man observed gloomily. "There will -probably be fainting in the streets." - -At this juncture, as Marc and Toffee disappeared up the stairs, there -was a blast at the entrance of the store, announcing that Sergeant -Feeney, his redoubtable six and his whistle had arrived and the -situation was slipping rapidly out of hand. - -"Everyone stay where you are!" the good sergeant bellowed, charging -about frenziedly. "Everyone keep calm!" And so saying he dashed -headlong into a small grey-haired lady and knocked her forthwith to the -floor. - -Displaying an agility not to be looked for in so old a party, the -sergeant's victim leaped to her feet and snatched up her parasol. - -"Fool!" she snapped. "Idiot!" - -"Stop hopping about!" the sergeant yelled, sitting up. "Everybody stay -still!" - -"How can I stay still when you keep knocking me down?" the little woman -demanded hotly. She rapped the sergeant smartly across the bridge of -the nose to emphasize her point. "Lummox!" - -The sergeant grabbed at his nose and observed the lady with deep-seated -hostility. "Lady," he said, "you're tamperin' with the law, you are!" - -"You've tampered with worse than that!" the little lady retorted. "If I -were a little younger I'd have you for mashing!" - -Meanwhile, Marc and Toffee, taking the stairs two at a time, had -reached the third floor where, in a dim cavern of soft lights and muted -music, the Parisian styles were being displayed, as they should be, on -lovely living models. Marc turned to Toffee and burped impatiently. - -"If you're determined to do this," he said, "be quick about it." He -burped again. "The law is practically breathing down our necks!" - -"Why do you keep making that revolting noise?" Toffee asked -interestedly. "It sounds like hogs rooting in the mire." - -Marc winced at her indelicacy. "I can't help it," he said. "When I'm -upset it affects my stomach." - -"Then do something about it," Toffee commanded airily and drifted away. - -Marc started to protest that there was very little he could do about -it as long as she kept him upset, when he remembered the bottle the -druggist had given him and took it from his pocket. Removing the cap, -he took a deep, hurried draft. This done, he screwed the cap back on -and replaced the bottle in his pocket. - - * * * * * - -He completed this maneuver just in time, for no sooner did the syrup -hit his gullet than he issued an explosive cough and staggered forward -as though he had received a healthy blow from and to the rear. The -liquid burned inside him like liquid fire. - -Gasping, he beat his chest for relief and steadied himself against the -wall with a trembling hand. The dizziness that he had only just gotten -rid of, returned. He closed his eyes in the hope that it would pass. - -His eyes were still closed when the scream issued piercingly from -across the room. Opening them, he glanced across to where the models -appeared and almost wished he hadn't bothered. It was too insane. - -Toffee had evidently found the dress she wanted, an ethereal affair -consisting of a couple of scraps of filmy stuff arranged to make its -wearer look like nothing so much as a gift-wrapped Diana out for -the kill. As Parisian dresses went, Marc supposed that this flimsy -confection was only a little bit worse than most, but it had one -glaring flaw which almost anyone--anyone, that is, but Toffee--would -have noticed at a glance; the dress was still on the model. Toffee, -however, was not deterred, not even by the girl's desperate screams. -She was industriously disrobing the poor creature before the startled -eyes of the other customers. - -Marc, forgetting his dizziness, shoved himself away from the wall and -ran forward. "Stop!" he yelled. "You can't do that!" - -Toffee cast him a fleeting glance over her shoulder, but did not stop -her frantic efforts with the illusive dress and the struggling model. - -"It's difficult all right," she shot back, "but I think I can manage." - -"Madam, please!" the model shrieked, her air of aloof stateliness -demolished. "Oh, _please_!" - -From a curtained doorway, a small dark woman, the manageress of the -department, looked out and emitted a thin cry of disbelief. The model, -now stripped to the waist, was hugging herself in a paroxysm of horror. -Throwing back the curtains, the manageress ran forward. - -"Madam!" she cried. "Madam! You really mustn't!" She hastened to -Toffee's side and tried to pull her away from the terrified girl. "If -you like the dress, please step back to the fitting room." - -"Step back to the fitting room yourself!" Toffee snapped. "And don't -call me madam!" - -"But the model...." - -"She'll have to take her chances," Toffee gritted determinedly. "I need -this dress worse than she does." The skirt came free in her hand, -revealing the model in nothing more than a pair of very sheer panties. - -"Oh, madam!" the girl wailed. - -"Well, don't just stand there, exposing yourself!" the manageress -cried. "Grab something and put it on!" - -Gazing about frantically, the girl's eyes shot to the next model who -had been displaying a negligee when all the trouble started. Reaching -out, she deftly grabbed the zipper and yanked. The garment relinquished -its hold and slithered to the floor in a vaporous cloud. The first -model snatched it up and hurriedly put it on. The second model, finding -herself revealed in the flesh, announced her shock in a shrill scream -and made a wild grab for the mink coat that lay in the lap of a nearby -customer. The customer, however, was too quick for her. Despite her -over-padded figure, she shot out of her chair on the run. - -"No you don't!" she screamed, "not after all I went through to get -this!" - -"Come back here!" the model yelled determinedly and took out in hot -pursuit. - - * * * * * - -As bedlam became the general order of the day in the salon, Sergeant -Feeney and his crew charged heroically up the stairway, announcing -their arrival with a shrill blast from the sergeant's whistle. At the -sight of the scrambling customers and models, the men in blue jolted to -a flat-footed halt. - -"Lord in heaven!" the sergeant gasped, removing the whistle from -his lips. The fur-bearing customer and denuded model shot past him, -collided with a plaster manniquin and tumbled to the floor in a frantic -tangle of arms, legs and mink. The sergeant flushed furiously and -turned back to his followers. "Scour lightly here, men," he said. "We -don't want nobody bruised." - -Taking advantage of the sergeant's momentary dismay, Marc shoved a bill -into the hand of the screaming manageress, grabbed Toffee, who had now -struggled into the dress, and, flanking the befuddled law, led her -quickly to the stairs. - -"Hurry!" he said. "And be quiet." - -"You're under arrest!" the sergeant roared behind them. "Everybody's -under arrest--probably!" - -In record time, Marc and Toffee gained the level of the second floor -and kept on running. As they ran, Toffee returned Marc's coat and he -slipped it on. - -The pain from the gas medicine had departed now, and Marc was feeling -better. In fact, now that he stopped to think about it, he was feeling -so much better he was actually beginning to enjoy himself. Striding -forward, counters, customers and gaping clerks fading rapidly into the -background, he even found time to admire Toffee's new finery. - -"That's probably the briefest dress known to man," he remarked amiably. - -"I hope it shall be well-known to man," Toffee returned happily. "One -man in particular. At least I shall endeavor to make it count for the -most." - -"Or the least," Marc said. - -Arms and legs flashing, they quitted the china department and, -according to the signs, entered Sportswear on the left and Imported -Liquors on the right. Thinking this a curious arrangement of -merchandise, Marc turned to Toffee. He started to speak, then jolted to -a halt with a thin wheeze of astonishment. Toffee stopped and turned -back. - -"What's the matter?" she asked. "What are you gaping at?" - -Marc could hardly believe his eyes. He had turned to Toffee only to -observe one of the most astonishing and upsetting things he had ever -witnessed. Before his very gaze, her new dress was slowly dissolving -into nothing. Already, the skirt had melted away to her thighs. - -"Holy smoke!" Marc gasped. Then, feeling that affairs were rapidly -going too far, he looked quickly away. He fixed his eyes firmly on a -female manniquin costumed for tennis. - -"What's the matter with you?" Toffee demanded. - -"Your dress ..." Marc said weakly. - -"My dress?" Toffee said. "What's the matter with my dress? I thought -you liked it." - -Marc opened his mouth to answer, but the words refused to come; -suddenly he was confronted by still another cause for alarm. The -phenomenon that had so mysteriously struck Toffee had now transferred -itself to the manniquin. As he stared at it, the clothes began to fade -from its plaster torso with unbelievable rapidity. - -"Good heavens!" Marc rasped. "Look at that!" - -"Look at what?" Toffee said, staring at the manniquin. "What are you -carrying on so about?" - -Marc took a breath. "Don't you see anything funny about that dummy?" - -Toffee observed the dummy more closely. "Very dull," she said. "No sex -appeal. Maybe it's those shorts she's wearing." - -"Shorts?" Marc said. "You mean you can still see shorts--and things?" - -"What are you babbling about?" Toffee said hopelessly. "What's wrong -with that dummy, anyway?" - -Marc stared at the manniquin wonderingly. "Good Lord!" he breathed, -"I've developed X-ray eyes! As far as I'm concerned that dummy's as -naked as a plucked chicken." - -"But that's impossible!" Toffee said. - -"Yes," Marc said, "but it's true. To me, that dummy is sheer unadorned -plaster and nothing else. This is awful!" - -"Maybe it will wear off," Toffee said uneasily. - - * * * * * - -Just then a bejewelled matron appeared at the end of the aisle. -Inadvertently Marc glanced in her direction, then shudderingly looked -away again; the woman's dress had melted away and she had been left -strolling amongst the counters in only her girdle. Marc lowered his -head and waited for her to pass. - -"This is shocking!" he groaned. "I can't go around like this, seeing -everyone without their clothes! It's indecent!" - -"But how did it happen?" Toffee asked. "If we knew what caused it, -maybe we could do something about it." - -There was not time for Marc to answer this, for right on cue, with a -blast from his whistle, Sergeant Feeney and his underlings swarmed at -the head of the aisle. - -"Duck!" Toffee hissed and, crouching down, vanished swiftly into the -inner reaches of Imported Liquors. - -Marc, followed this example, dropped to his hands and knees and -scrambled behind the nearest counter in Sportswear. The official -scufflings at the entrance grew louder. - -"Spread out, men!" Sergeant Feeney thundered. "Check everybody!" - -Behind the counter Marc settled back against the merchandise drawers. -Then he jumped as a feminine voice sounded close beside him. - -"May I help you, sir?" the voice inquired. - -Marc, without thinking, looked around. A large, brassy blonde with -circles under her eyes had hunkered down beside him. She smiled broadly -at his glance. - -"It's nice to get down here away from the noise and confusion, isn't -it, sir?" she said throatily. "The customer is always right in this -store--especially as far as I'm concerned." - -As she spoke, the upper half of her dress slowly disappeared, -revealing the most remarkably full net brassiere. Coloring prettily, -Marc hastily snapped his eyes shut. - -"Leave me alone!" he said in tones of anguish. "Please go away!" - -"Go away?" the blonde said woundedly. "But I thought.... Three men have -pinched me already today and, the way you crept in here, I thought -maybe you were the more earnest type." - -"I'm quite earnest," Marc said soberly. "In fact...." - -"Goody," the girl said. She snuggled down beside him. "Now, what do we -do?" - -"I don't know what to do," Marc said miserably, "that's just it!" - -"You don't?" the girl said unbelievingly. "You certainly don't expect -me to tell you, do you?" - -"How could you?" Marc asked reasonably. - -"Well, I could, I guess, if I wasn't a lady," the girl said with a -touch of pique. "Why are you squinting at me like that." - -"The light hurts my eyes," Marc said briefly. "Really, I think you -ought to go away." - -The girl sighed deflatedly. "I guess I might as well," she said. -"You're too ignorant and I'm too refined. I must say, though," she -added wistfully, "for a minute there I expected great things." She -started to move away. - -"Just a minute!" Marc said quickly. - -The girl fairly whirled around again. "Yes?" she said. "Have you -thought of something?" - -"Yes," Marc said. "Since this is the sportswear department, I assume -you have dark glasses?" - -The girl sighed again. "There are some around somewhere," she said. - -"Well, find me some," Marc said, "only make them darker--dark enough -that I won't be able to see through them at all. Paste cardboard inside -them or something." - -The girl looked at him quizzically, then shrugged. "Okay," she said. "I -know when I'm licked." - -"And hurry," Marc urged. "There's no time to lose." - - * * * * * - -The blonde departed, and Marc's attention was taken by a hurried -scuffling in the aisle. He opened his eyes and cautiously peered out. -A series of blue-clad legs, that, even as he watched them, turned bare -and hairy, raced by. When they had passed, Marc leaned back again and -gave himself over to a moment of quiet and confused contemplation. - -He tried hard to find some clue to the cause of his extraordinary eye -affliction, but arrived at nothing definite. There was a rustling at -his side and he turned to find that the blonde had rejoined him. He -closed his eyes again as the net brassiere, for a second time, began to -appear from beneath the fading fabric of her dress. - -"Here are the glasses," the blonde said coldly. "I put tape on the -inside of the lenses." Marc held out his hand and she gave them to him. -"Your eyes certainly must be sensitive." - -"You'll never know," Marc said gloomily and slipped the glasses on. - -"Can you see anything at all?" the blonde asked inquisitively. - -"Not a thing," Marc said. "It's a great relief." - -"Mister," the blonde said flatly, "I guess I just don't understand you." - -There was the sound of stealthy approach from the direction of -the aisle, and Marc quickly lowered the glasses to observe Toffee -approaching on tip-toe. She was carrying a bottle of champagne under -each arm and she looked enormously pleased. - -"I think they've gone," she said. Then, seeing the blonde, suspicion -flickered in her eyes. "Leave it to you; all I have to do is turn my -back and you're snuggled up with some big blonde." - -"I'm not snuggled up," Marc said. "I've been making a purchase." - -"Of what?" Toffee said sharply. - -"These glasses," Marc said. "The young lady was good enough to fix them -so you can't see through them." - -"Just glasses," the blonde murmured regretfully. "And that's all." She -made a small sound of disillusionment. "And I thought this was going to -be my lucky day, too." - -"It is," Toffee said. "If anything had passed between you two besides -a pair of glasses, you'd be wearing your neck off the shoulder this -season." - -"Where did you get the champagne?" Marc broke in. "Or is that a subject -too delicate to discuss?" - -"Almost," Toffee said grandly. "I ran into a salesman in Imported -Liquors with foreign ideas. We indulged in a bit of hand-wrestling -amongst the East Indian wines, and he lost. He's resting quietly now, -however." She held out one of the bottles of champagne. "I used this -to defend myself." She shoved the bottle into Marc's hand. "Let's get -slightly damp." - -Meanwhile the blonde had begun to edge away. - -"Leaving?" Marc asked pleasantly. - -"I'm going over to Imported Liquors," the blonde said. - -She departed, and Marc extracted the cork from the bottle with a -fruity pop and handed it back to Toffee. - -"A pause for refreshment," he said, "and then we've got to do something -about my eyesight. Did you say the cops have gone?" - -"The last I saw of them," Toffee said, "they were lumpering through -ladies' lingerie, headed for silverware and china." She paused for a -deep drink from the bottle. "With the head of steam they had worked up -they should be far beyond the horizon by now." - -"Good," Marc said. He received the bottle from Toffee and drank -thirstily. "Cops have a positive talent for being disagreeable." - -"A bad lot," Toffee nodded. "They tend to weigh on the spirit. And -speaking of spirits don't keep sucking at that bottle all day. Save -some for me." - - * * * * * - -Twenty minutes later, one bottle depleted, the other tucked -protectively beneath Toffee's arm, the two emerged unsteadily from -behind the counter and started on an uneven course down the aisle. - -"You'll have to lead me," Marc said thickly. "I can't see a thing." - -Toffee took his hand. "Blind as a drunken bat," she giggled. - -"You will probably lead me astray," Marc said happily. - -"I shall do my best," Toffee said. "Luckily, I'm familiar with the -route." - -Marc held back for a moment. "I've just figured it out," he said. "It -was that burp medicine that affected my eyes. We've got to go look up -that druggist." - -"All right," Toffee said. "But if I had X-ray eyes I would be content -to stand on street corners and whistle." - -This concluded, they tottered on to the end of the aisle and down the -stairs. - -"Going astray!" Marc sang vaporishly. "Going astray! I'm jus' going -astray!" - -With a wild lurch the two fugitives precariously left the stairs and -emerged onto the first floor. As they started unsteadily down the aisle -a veiled and voluminous lady in black turned from her examination of -a silk blouse and observed their progress with smiling approval. She -turned benignly to the sales girl who was serving her. - -"Isn't that sweet?" she murmured. "Imagine a stunning girl like that -sacrificing a day to take her poor old blind father shopping." - -Toffee and Marc proceeded in a more or less orderly fashion to the -doorway, leaving the good Sergeant to ransack a store now empty of its -quarry. - - * * * * * - -Five minutes later and three blocks removed from the department -store, the two law-evaders paused to reconnoitre. Or at least Toffee -reconnoitred while Marc, still sightless behind his glasses, awaited -directions. He held out his hand in readiness, waiting to be led. At -his side, Toffee momentarily broke her mood of concentration. - -"As I see it," she said, "our next move is to flee the city." - -"But what about the druggist?" Marc said. "I've got to find out about -my eyes." He stopped as he became aware of a nervous tugging at his -sleeve. - -"Hey, man," a voice said, "I've been lookin' for you everywheres." - -Marc hastily lowered his glasses. He glanced down to find a familiar -shifty-eyed, weasel-like face peering up at him. - -"You!" he said. - -"Yeah, man," the diminutive peddler of lewd pictures grinned. "You -still got the cool stuff, huh?" - -"The cool stuff?" Marc said with sudden stiffness. "If you mean that -collection of disgusting pictures, no I haven't got them. At the -moment, I believe they're listed as Exhibit A in the case of The People -against Marcus G. Pillsworth." - -"Man!" the little man wailed. "You mean somebody goofed and the cops -got 'em?" - -"Precisely," Marc said frigidly. - -"Who's this Pillsworth cube?" - -Marc drew himself up into a living tower of glowering hauteur. "I am -Marcus G. Pillsworth," he said nastily. - -"You!" the little man said. "You got hooked with the goods?" - -"I got hooked," Marc said flatly, "with the goods just where you -planted it on me." - -"Jeez!" the little man cried despairingly. "You just can't rely on -nobody no more." He chewed his lip for a moment, then looked up at Marc -anxiously. "What about the French Elixir? Did the bulls heist that, -too?" - -"French Elixir?" Marc said. "I don't know anything about your French -Elixir." - -"The hell you don't, man," the little man said. "I faded it into your -coat pocket. Did they find it?" - -Marc paused. A chill of apprehension skittered up his spine. "Into my -coat pocket," he said. "A small brown bottle?" - -"It wasn't a big blue jug," the little man said impatiently. "You still -got it?" - -Marc reached into his pocket and pulled out, first one brown bottle, -then another. They were almost identical except that the liquid in the -one marked 'French Elixir' had been depleted by approximately one -fourth. - -"Good night!" Marc yelled. "I drank the wrong stuff!" - -"You drank the Elixir!" the little man said. He snatched the bottle -from Marc's hand. "You _drank_ it?" - -"I said I drank it," Marc said distractedly. - -"Then, you owe me twenty bucks, man. That bottle of genuine, -hard-to-get French Elixir sells for fifty, sixty dollars." He held out -his hand. "Pad my palm, friend." - -"I certainly will not pad your palm," Marc said indignantly. "Do you -know what that stuff's done to me?" - -"Huh?" The little man paused reflectively. "How should I know what -it done," he said. "They say all sorts of stuff could happen to you, -according to how you're repressed." He regarded Marc interestedly. -"What happened?" - -"I've got X-ray eyes!" Marc said dramatically. "That's what happened." - -The little man looked at him skeptically. "What's X-ray eyes?" - -"When I look at people," Marc said, "I see right through their clothes. -If I didn't have these glasses on everyone on this street would be -stark naked." - - * * * * * - -The little man made a thin whistling sound, then began to chuckle. -"Lord, man," he laughed, "you ain't got X-ray eyes, you just got a -dirty mind!" - -"What!" Marc said. - -"That's all!" the little man said. "It was all explained to me. The -stuff works different on different people. It lets out what you've been -pluggin' up inside. Oh, man," he chortled, "and you gave me the freeze -for showin' you those French postcards!" - -"I do not have a dirty mind," Marc said, "and even if I did, it would -hardly be any business of yours. The point is that this awful elixir of -yours has made a mess of things." - -"At least," Toffee put in, "it's given us a devil of a handicap." - -The little man looked at Toffee directly for the first time and -obviously was struck by what he saw. "Who's the cool chunk of stuff?" -he asked. He moved in close to Toffee and put a hand casually on her -shoulder. "Just call me Hotstuff Harold, honey," he murmured. "That's -how I'm referred to by all my intimate friends." - -"If you don't keep your grimy little paws to yourself," Toffee said -evenly, "they'll soon be referring to you as 'the deceased.'" - -"It's nice that you two are acquainted," Marc said sourly, "but that -still doesn't solve my problem." Peering over the top of his glasses, -he fixed Hotstuff Harold with a beady eye. "How do I get rid of the -effects of this awful elixir of yours?" - -"As far as I know," Hotstuff said, "all you can do is wait for it to -wear off." - -"And how long will that take?" - -"Who knows?" Hotstuff shrugged. "I ain't never messed with the stuff. -Maybe I been repressin' a better nature and it would come out and ruin -my life's work." - -"I doubt it," Marc said. "But there must be something I can do about -this." - -"If I was you, man, I'd go sit in a Marilyn Monroe picture until they -kicked me out." Hotstuff put his hand to Marc's sleeve. "You still owe -me some bucks, boy. Twenty for the pictures and twenty more for the -shot of elixir." - -"Now, look here," Marc said sternly, "if you think...." - -He stopped, for Hotstuff, a businessman of some agility, already had -Marc's wallet in his hand and was counting out the money. Marc snatched -it back from him. - -"Here, now!" he said. - -Harold grinned modestly. "Mother taught me how to take up public -collections while I was still in rompers. They say I was the cutest -little dip that ever worked the Stem." - -"Well, this is one stem you're not clipping," Marc said hotly. "Keep -your hands to yourself." - -"I ain't goin' to leave till I get paid," Hotstuff said without -animosity. - -"Just a minute." Toffee broke in. "While you two are arguing, time is -running down the drain. If we're going to the country we'd better get -started." - -Marc turned to her with a sigh. "I thought I explained to you that...." - -"But I've got it all figured out," Toffee said complacently. "While -you've been wasting your time with this grifter, I've been working out -a plan." - -"I'm sorry," Marc said wearily, "but I don't think I could stand -another one of your plans. Not today." - -"But this will work," Toffee said brightly. "Now the problem, to put it -succinctly, is for me to go to the country, but not to be noticed by -Julie. Well, actually, that's the easiest thing in the world." - -"Oh?" Marc said. "If you imagine that Julie is likely to overlook a -half-naked redhead...." - -"Now, look at it this way," Toffee interrupted, "if you wanted to hide -yourself where would be the best place?" - -"Me," Hotstuff interjected, "I always go out and mix with the crowds -when I'm on the dodge." - -"Exactly!" Toffee said. She looked on Hotstuff with new respect, then, -glancing back to Marc, pointed across the street. "See that bus?" - - * * * * * - -Tilting his glasses, Marc followed the direction of her pointing -finger. Diagonally across the street was parked a large yellow -sight-seeing bus of a vintage so distant as to defy memory. At the -front of the bus stood a tall, cadaverous looking individual in shirt -sleeves, about whom was an atmosphere of listless resignation. Inside -the bus, the seats were starkly uninhabited. - -"What we do," Toffee went on enthusiastically, "is hire that bus and -fill it up with a lot of people. Then we drive out to the country, and -when Julie sees this great gang knocking about the place she'll never -pay any special attention to anyone in particular. She'll never notice -me." - -"That's ridiculous," Marc said. "In the first place I doubt I'd ever be -able to hire the bus privately." - -"From the looks of business," Hotstuff said, "you could probably have -it for a song." - -"Even so," Marc said doggedly, "we are not a crowd. We are only two -people, and I'm positive Julie is quite capable of picking a strange -young lady out of a group of two." - -"I'd be very happy to accompany you," Hotstuff said. "In fact I insist -on it, so's I can protect my investment." - -"There!" Toffee said. "We're forming a crowd already. All we need are -about twenty more." - -"And where are we going to get them?" Marc asked serenely. - -"I could have a number of my business acquaintances and -their--uh--molls--out here on the corner in a flash," Hotstuff offered -obligingly. "I know a number of personalities who are quite hot to get -out of town for various reasons." - -"Go get them!" Toffee said. "We'll hire the bus while you're gone." - -"Now, just a second...." Marc yelled, but Hotstuff had already scurried -off down the street toward the corner poolhall. - - * * * * * - -The deal for the bus was concluded in almost the same instant that Marc -approached the gangling individual on the sidewalk. - -"Sure, mister," the man said sadly. "Why not? A day in the country -would suit me fine. You can have the bus and me for whatever you want -to offer, and you can bring along all the friends you want." - -Marc fatefully handed over a couple of bills and glanced, not without -apprehension, down the street. "The others should be along any moment -now," he said. He turned to Toffee. "Just how are we going to explain -all these people to Julie. We can't just say I asked them out for -dinner." - -"Well, then," Toffee said, "we'll just say you're a group of botany -students on a field trip." As though that satisfactorily explained -everything she started into the bus. "Heigh, ho! Oh, for a day of -biology in the open air!" - -"I thought you said botany," Marc said, uneasily. - -"One can always hope," she said grandly. - -True to his word, Hotstuff was back almost instantly, trailing after -him a cast of characters the likes of which is rarely seen on the -streets before sundown. The men, five of them in all, were heavy-browed -and flashily dressed. Their female counterparts--or molls, as Hotstuff -had described them--were so unanimous in their endorsement of low -necklines, high heels, dyed hair and ankle bracelets that they seemed -almost to be in uniform. - -At the approach of this strange swarming, Marc lowered his glasses -only to replace them even a bit more quickly than was entirely -necessary. - -"Good Lord!" he groaned. "It looks like Saturday night at the police -lineup." - -At that moment, however, Hotstuff arrived at the front of the bus, his -questionable companions crowding close behind him. - -"These is some of my best chums," he announced with beaming pride. -"I would introduce you to them only they don't like their names -mentioned." He drew forward a crimson-lipped creature who had crossed -the street close to his side. - -"This is Floss, my mouse," he said. - -Floss, whose hair ran the gamut of colors from jet at the roots -to orange-red at the ends--with blond, brown and platinum -intervening--gazed at Marc from beneath mascara-encrusted eyelashes. - -"Hi, tallstuff," she said in a smoky tone, "ain't I seen you somewheres -before?" - -"Knock it off, Floss," Hotstuff said. "Today's vacation. Besides, the -gent can't see you through those glasses, so don't waste your wattage." -He grinned at Marc. "She likes you, man." - -"I always like to improve public relations," Floss said delicately. - -"I'm much obliged," Marc said, edging away. "Well, I suppose we ought -to be on our way." - -"Okay, everybody!" Hotstuff yelled. "Climb aboard! We're off to -mingle with nature!" He took Marc's arm and guided him to the steps. -"Everybody brought a couple of bottles," he said. "All you have to do -is supply the grub. Boy! is this going to be some party!" - -"Yes," Marc said fatefully, "it probably is." - - * * * * * - -It was not until the bus left the city and was churning its way into -the fresh-budding atmosphere of the country that the little assemblage -began to get into the true spirit of the trip. - -Until then they had been content to sit quietly drinking from their -bottles, but now, with the green fields and trees unfolding before them -they were moved to song. Lifting their voices in shattering discord, -they howled out a little number about an unfortunate heroine called -Underslung Fannie whose amorous exploits, according to the lyrics, were -distressingly uncanny. At the rear of the bus, Marc slunk in his seat -and turned to Toffee. - -"Leave it to you," he moaned. "How am I ever going to palm off this -tight little segment of the underworld as a bunch of fun-loving -botanists?" - -"Oh, they're not so bad," Toffee said. "At least you don't have to -worry about whether they're bad or not. You know they're bad right from -the beginning." - -"And so are you," Marc said dryly. "However, I suppose everyone seeks -his own level. I might have expected this." - -Toffee generously patted his cheek. "You're just overwrought," she -said. "You need a drink." Reaching under her seat, she brought out the -bottle of champagne. "Take some of this and you will see everything in -a happy glow." - -"Behind these glasses?" Marc asked. - -"You may even find the nerve to take them off," Toffee said. - -"In this crowd?" Marc said. "Heaven forbid!" - -Nevertheless, after several lengthy drafts from the bottle, Marc did -begin to see things more brightly, and he did remove his glasses. It -gave the congregation before him a strange, bare-shouldered look, but -the effect, since everyone was seated, was hardly shocking. He was -careful, however, to keep his gaze averted from the passing landscape, -particularly after a startling view of a pink-skinned, full-formed -farmgirl scattering feed to a flock of hideously defeathered chickens. -After a time he began to look on his new-found companions a bit more -fondly. - -"At least," he yawned, mellowed by the champagne and the warm sun, -"they're a happy bunch of criminals." - -As though to prove his words correct, the company suddenly roared with -laughter, and Marc, content that things were going well, put his head -back against the seat and dozed off. - -The burst of laughter, however, had Marc listened more closely to it, -was more a cause for alarm than complacency. In its gleeful, boisterous -tones was the announcement that the drunken little band of miscreants -had found still a new outlet for their antisocial tendencies. - -A blowsy blonde named Dora, spotting a cop lounging against his -motorcycle along the highway, had observed the prescribed amenities -between the law and the underworld by leaning out the window and making -a series of rude and meaningful gestures. Admiring Dora's finesse in -this affair, her escort, a blue-jawed second-story artist named Moose, -leaned out beside her and dispatched a depleted whiskey bottle at the -cop's head, scoring a solid hit along side the ear. Their friends and -companions, as a result, had fairly collapsed in their seats with -helpless laughter. - - * * * * * - -In this sordid incident were the beginnings of a well-routined game. -The criminals, seeing no end of fun in this little sport, organized -themselves into a team so that it might be pursued with the greatest -efficiency and dispatch. Splitting themselves into cop-watchers, -cop-insulters and cop-smackers, they became a yelling, yowling -menace to every patrolman and peace-enforcer along the highway. As -Marc continued to slumber, a chorus of sirens began to wail and -shriek in the wake of the lumbering bus. Of those involved in this -not-so-innocent diversion, only the bus driver was distressed. - -"Now, cut it out, you!" he yelled back at his cop-assaulting -passengers. "Lay off before you get me into serious trouble!" - -"Step on the gas, you hacky!" Moose roared. "Give it the gun!" And -having delivered this command, he snatched up another bottle and sent -it sizzling through the window toward the head of an unsuspecting -sheriff's deputy. - -"Got him!" Floss shrieked with childish glee and collapsed to the aisle -in a fit of giggles. - -The sirens following the bus had reached a many-throated scream before -Marc finally awoke. Opening his eyes with a start, he gazed about, -firmly convinced that the world had gone mad. A glance toward the -front of the bus and another out the rear, however, swiftly told him -the frightful truth of the matter. - -"Stop that!" he yelled. "Stop it this instant!" - -"Look, mister!" the bus driver hollered. "Either you quiet down those -maniacs or I'm going to drive this bus right off a cliff somewhere!" - -Marc looked ahead down the highway. Mercifully, deliverance, of a sort, -was at hand. - -"Just around the next bend!" he yelled. "Take the drive to the left!" - -"Golly!" Toffee cried happily, "isn't this exciting!" - -Marc cast her a brief, scathing glance and concentrated on the road -ahead. The bus, traveling at maximum speed, was rattling and creaking -in every joint. Tires squealing, the driver took the turn ahead, then -cut sharply to the left and through the gateway that bore the sign, -'Pillsworth Acres.' - -The bus careened up the circle of the drive, spitting gravel and dirt -from beneath its tires. A rambling, stone-faced house loomed rapidly -ahead. Green, tree-studded lawns stretched away on all sides. Down the -rise to the west a swimming pool flashed by, studding the greenness -like a glimmering, intermittent sapphire. With a scream of the brakes, -the bus ground to a terrifying stop at the entrance to the house. In -the distance, back on the highway, the avenging sirens grew louder, -then faded swiftly away into the distance. The driver at the front of -the bus went limp in his seat. - -"All out!" he gritted. "Get the hell out of here before I go nuts!" - -Marc whirled about to Toffee. "Why didn't you wake me up?" he demanded. - -"What for?" Toffee asked blithely. "You'd only have worried. And -everything turned out fine, didn't it?" - -As the company of undesirables staggered, reeled and toppled from the -bus onto the lawn, Marc and Toffee followed after. Marc refitted his -glasses to his nose and paused before the driver's extended hand. - -"Yes?" he asked. - -"Look, buddy," the driver said, "where can I hide this hack? Those cops -may be comin' back here any minute." - -"Seems a shame to hide it," Marc said acidly, "when we've spent so many -happy hours together in it." - -"I gotta hide it, mister," the driver said. "I don't want to get into -any trouble. You see, this ain't my bus." - -"What?" Marc said. - - * * * * * - -The driver shook his head woefully. "I was just standing there when -you came along and offered to hire it. The guy who owns it was in a -java joint down the street. I just got fired off my job this morning, -and when you came along and made me that offer, well, it was such a -beautiful day and all...." - -"You, too!" Marc said, aghast. "Isn't anybody legitimate today?" - -"I still think I ought to hide this can." - -"Hide it by all means!" Marc agreed. "Remove all trace of it." He -motioned toward the woods. "Drive it out there, where it will never be -seen again." - -Hotstuff, who had overheard this exchange, moved in confidentially. "Me -and my pals are experts at obscurin' the evidence," he offered. "We -could convert it into an icebox, so's they'd never know the difference." - -The driver shook his head. "I think the woods are better," he said. He -sighed. "Besides, I want to be off by myself for a while, where I can -take a nap." - -Toffee held out the bottle of champagne which was still half full. -"Take this with you," she said. "You need it." - -"I sure do, lady," the driver said gratefully, accepting the bottle. "I -need every drop of it. I'm going to get so drunk I won't even know who -I am." - -At this point Mr. Busby, Marc's paunchy, genteel caretaker, tottered -curiously down the steps and approached the bus with evident caution. - -"'Afternoon, Mr. Pillsworth," he said uncertainly. "I see you brought -along some--uh--guests." - -"Why, yes, Busby," Marc said, with an attempt at nonchalance. "I -brought them up for a little outing. A group of business associates and -their wives." - -At this description, Floss straightened her skirt and put a hand to her -hair. Hotstuff removed his hand gracefully from a companion's pocket -and smiled ingratiatingly. - -"I see," Busby said quietly, but in his pale eyes there was an enormous -doubt. - -"Where is Mrs. Pillsworth?" Marc asked casually. "And Mario?" - -"I'm not just certain," Busby said. "They took their paints and a lunch -hamper and went off into the woods." He pointed to the south. "They -were headed out that way." - -"I think I'll hunt them out and have a word with them," Marc said. - -"And your--uh--associates?" - -"Oh, yes," Marc said. He leaned a bit closer to Busby. "What do you -think would amuse them, Busby?" - -"I don't suppose I should say it, sir," Busby said, "but I think I -ought to slip inside and put the silver and Mrs. Pillsworth's jewels in -the vault. As for amusing them, we haven't any dope or revolvers on the -premises, but, then, perhaps they've brought their own." - -"I shouldn't be surprised," Marc said. - -"And while I'm about it, sir," Busby went on, "I think I'd better put -the lock on the wine cellar." - -"Wine cellar!" - -It was Hotstuff, the ever-present eavesdropper, who spoke up. "Hey, -gang, there's a wine cellar!" he announced. "Cool, huh?" - -"Say," Floss drawled, sidling up to Marc, "you've really got class, -huh? A wine cellar is right up my alley. The lower I get the better I -like it." - - * * * * * - -Toffee stepped forward, eyes glittering. "You may get lower than you -care to, doll, if you keep on like that. You may find yourself six feet -under with a very dim out-look." - -"Listen, sister," Floss said belligerently, "I'll tangle with you any -time." - -"You may never get untangled if you do," Toffee flared. "You may wind -up wearing that fright wig of yours on your bustle!" - -"I'll risk it, carrot-top!" - -"There's no risk involved," Toffee said, doubling her fists. "I'll make -you a money-back guarantee!" - -"Well, well," Hotstuff said approvingly, "the girls are getting real -well acquainted, ain't they?" - -"Too well," Marc said. "We'd better separate them before they get -downright intimate." He turned to Busby. "Show the guests to the wine -cellar." - -"But, sir...." - -"I know, Busby," Marc said, "but they'll probably be quiet there--at -least for a while." - -"I suppose so, sir," Busby said dully. He started back toward the -house, and the raucous little band fell in behind him. As they -departed, Toffee stared after Floss malevolently. - -"I may belt that kid one yet," she murmured. - -Behind them, the bus started up, lurched crazily forward, shot through -the hedge bordering the drive and took off drunkenly across the lawn -and into the trees. - -"Oh well," Marc sighed. "I suppose it might be worse--though I can't -imagine how." - -"Devastation seems to be prevalent today," Toffee agreed. - -"And with you helping it along," Marc said, "I seem to have gotten a -double order." Lifting his glasses briefly, he stared off toward the -woods. "I suppose I'd better get going. The sooner I settle things the -better." - -"If you want my advice," Toffee said, "take a gun." - -"What in the world would I do with a gun?" Marc asked. - -"It would give weight to your argument," Toffee said. "These Latin -lovers expect jealous husbands to carry guns." - -"I am not jealous," Marc said stiffly, "I'm just worried, that's all." - -"In that case," Toffee said, "why don't we just wait here until they -get back? We could join the party in the cellar." - -"It's this spring-time daffiness that really upsets me," Marc said. -"Everyone seems out of control." - -"Look," Toffee said, "if they went to the woods in that direction, -why don't we go to them in the other direction and let Julie do the -worrying for a change. Fair's fair, isn't it?" - -"How could that possibly worry Julie," Marc asked. "She wouldn't even -know we were there." - -"That's right," Toffee said evilly, "she wouldn't, would she?" - -"Unprincipled little trollop," Marc said. - -"Unprincipled to the bone," Toffee agreed. She sighed. "But what good -does it do me?" - -"I suppose I should drop in on my guests before I leave," Marc said, -"just to make sure they're comfortable." - -"They're probably so comfortable by now, they're unconscious." - -"They're better that way," Marc said. - -This settled, he turned away, then turned quickly back again as Busby, -wringing his hands with desperation, suddenly flew through the door and -down the steps. - -"Sir! Sir!" he yelled. "They've done it already, sir! I can't -imagine.... They must be quick as cats!" - -"What are you talking about, Busby?" Marc asked. - -"The silver, sir!" Busby wailed. "And Mrs. Pillsworth's jewels! -Your--associates cleaned out the lot! And they merely passed through -the house, sir!" - -"Like corn through a goose," Toffee murmured. - -"Oh, Mrs. Pillsworth will be furious, sir!" Busby lamented. "Mrs. -Pillsworth puts great store by her silver and jewels!" - - * * * * * - -Marc shuddered with apprehension. Julie would be more than furious; she -would be livid. And, worse than that, she would be livid at him! Since -the pack of thieves who had taken the things were his guests, the whole -thing, therefore, would be all his fault. She would never forgive him. - -"We'll have to get them back!" he said. - -"I could call the police, sir!" - -"No!" Marc fairly yelled. "No, Busby, don't call the police." He -frowned concernedly. "Are they all down in the cellar now?" - -"Revelling," Busby said hauntedly. "Revelling and shouting and -guzzling. I don't think I'd go down there if I were you. It's a regular -den of vice." - -"Nevertheless," Marc said, "they need a good talking to. It's hardly -good manners to accept a man's hospitality and steal his wife's jewels." - -"It was probably Floss," Toffee said vengefully. "She's got her eye out -for a good thing, all right." - -Together, the three of them entered the house, crossed the wide, cool -hall at the front, passed through the solarium and kitchen and drew -up at the doorway that led down to the cellar. The sound of coarse -laughter momentarily halted their steps. From inside his jacket, Busby -extracted a revolver. - -"Perhaps you should have this, sir," he said. "I keep it for -emergencies." - -"And this is certainly an emergency," Marc said. Taking the gun, he -faced the stairway. "I will speak to them firmly and if that doesn't -work, I'll--I'll--" - -"Call the police, sir?" - -"No! No, I'll--I'll hope for the best." - -"With that mob," Busby said dismally, "the best is bound to be -something worse than the worst, if you get my meaning." - -"Nevertheless," Marc said, "we will have to face them with it." He -led the way through the door and down the steps into the dim, musty -sweetness of the cellar. As they descended, a second roar of laughter -rose to greet them. - -"Hey!" a voice called roughly out of the shadows. "Mine host -approaches--with vassals?" - -"Vassals of what?" another voice inquired woozily. "Or do you mean -sea-going vassals?" - -Marc peered into the dimness and held up a hand. "Ladies and -gentlemen," he said, not without a note of irony. "Ladies and -gentlemen, Busby, here, has just told me a most shocking story." - -There was a stirring in the dark. "Old Busby did that?" a voice said -interestedly. "He hardly looks like he'd know any shockin' stories." - -"Shame on Busby!" a feminine voice giggled out of the distance. - -A form moved out of the shadows and proved to be Floss. "Let's hear -this shockin' story," she said eagerly. "Ain't nothin' like a good -shockin' story to get the party goin'." - -Marc put up his hand again. "No," he said, "you don't understand; it's -not that kind of a shocking story." - -"A true confession, huh?" a voice said sullenly from behind the wine -bins. "Don't sign it, Busby. Get a good shyster before you put your -name to it." - -"Please!" Marc said. "Let me tell you...." - -"Not if it makes us accessories to the fact!" the voice came back. "I -don't want to hear it. I'm putting my fingers in my ears!" - -"Let's all put our fingers in our ears!" a blonde-sounding voice -tittered. "It tickles!" - -"Now, just a minute!" Marc yelled. "Listen! Someone here has stolen the -silver and my wife's jewels, and I've got to have them back. The only -thing I can do is appeal to you as a friend." - -"You'd appeal to me even as an enemy," Floss giggled tipsily. "Advance, -friend and be recognized." - -"If he does," Toffee snarled, "he'll also be cauterized. Stay back, you -two-bit lollypop!" - -But Marc was not to be distracted from the matter at hand. "Now, which -one of you did it?" he asked. "There won't be any arrest if you will -just return the things." - - * * * * * - -There was a dense silence. Hotstuff shuffled out of the dimness and -took up his place unsteadily at Marc's side. - -"Okay, you crazy cats!" he hollered. "Which one of you pinched Mrs. -Pillsworth's rocks?" - -"Was she wearin' them at the time?" a female voice inquired. - -"No, she wasn't," Marc said. "What has that got to do with it?" - -"Plenty," the voice said. "If she was wearin' them there might have -been a hell of a lot more pinched than just her jewelry." The speaker -sighed with understanding. "Sometimes a girl likes to be pinched just -for herself alone." - -"You're gonna get slugged just for yourself alone if you don't shut -up," Hotstuff snapped. He paused significantly. "Ain't no one gonna -sing?" He turned back to Marc. "Was the stuff insured?" - -"Yes," Marc said, "but it's not as simple as that." Resignedly, he -launched into the story of his domestic problems. "So, you see," he -concluded imploringly, "I have to have the original jewels back or I -might lose my wife." - -"And she's out two-timin' you with this Mario creep?" a voice said -indignantly. "Disgustin'!" - -"You gotta take your rod and blast the guy," another voice said hotly. -"Defendin' your home, you could get off scot free." - -"Hey!" Hotstuff broke in suddenly, "I got a great idea!" He grinned at -his unseen audience with triumph. "Here we are, enjoyin' a healthful, -restful day in the country, all at Mr. Pillsworth's expense. Well, now, -don't it seem like we owe him some kind of token of thanks?" - -"Yeah!" Floss said happily. "Like an ash tray made like a toilet seat!" - -"Naw, Floss, nothin' like that," Hotstuff frowned. "What I mean is -something real useful that he needs." - -"Yeah?" a voice asked eagerly. "Like what?" - -"Well, now I was thinkin'," Hotstuff said, "what Pillsworth, here, -needs most is to have this Mario removed outa the way. Naturally, he -can't go knock the guy off himself; he just ain't the type. So, what I -got the idea for, is why don't we do the job for him? Kind of like a -thank-you present because we're havin' such a nice time!" - -"Hey!" a voice growled enthusiastically, "that's a solid idea. It's got -a lot of sentiment, too. Like one good turn deserves another." - -There was a general murmur of assent. - -"After all," the blond-sounding voice said soddenly, "what are friends -for, except to go around and help out one another?" There was the -sound of loud snuffling. "It kind of gets you when you stop and think -about it. Who's got a rod that ain't hot?" - -"Now, wait a minute!" Marc yelled. "You can't do that! It's murder!" - -"But we gotta make up for the jewels, don't we?" Hotstuff said. "We -gotta be honest with you, don't we?" - -Already, the murderous drunks had begun to swarm out of the dimness. -The blue-jawed Moose appeared brandishing a wicked looking .38. - -"We'll all take shots at him," he chuckled, "and say it was a huntin' -accident. That way, they won't be able to pin it on no one in -particular." - -"Now, listen!" Marc rasped desperately. "I can't permit you to do this!" - -"Oh, it's really nothin'," Hotstuff said modestly. He motioned to his -followers. "Come on, friends, to the woods!" - -"You mustn't do this!" Marc cried. - -"What a guy!" Moose growled admiringly. "You gotta practically fight -him to even do him a little favor." - - * * * * * - -The band swarmed past Marc and up the steps. "We'll spread out and -force him into the open!" Hotstuff yelled. - -"Stop!" Marc hollered. "Don't do it! I don't want you to!" - -But the last of the assassins reached the top of the steps and -disappeared out the door. Marc turned hopelessly to Toffee. - -"I should have stayed in jail!" he said. "I can just see the newspapers -when all this is over. Julie will divorce me for certain!" - -"Well, don't just stand there wringing your hands," Toffee said. "Let's -go out and warn them. We'll have to hide this Mario character until -they've cooled down and gone away." - -"I suppose so," Marc said. He turned and, with Toffee's guidance, -started up the steps. "At least we know where to look. Maybe we can -beat them to it." - -They hurried up the stairs and out the back door. Marc turned briefly -back to Busby. - -"You stay here," he said. "If Mrs. Pillsworth and Mario return warn -them to stay out of sight." - -"Yes, sir," Busby said. "And I think I'll stay out of sight myself." - -Marc and Toffee started out. - -"They're probably down along the stream somewhere," Marc said. "Let's -hurry." - -It was when they had reached the end of the lawns and were starting -into the brush that Marc stumbled and lost his glasses. After looking -about them then, hurriedly, he gave them up. - -"I'll just have to do without them," he said. - -"This is hardly the time to indulge your Puritan sensitivities," Toffee -agreed. "Come on!" - -They forged ahead over rocks and through bushes until they came to the -edge of the stream. There they stopped, scanning the banks for as far -as they could see, but there was no one. - -"You go in that direction," Toffee said quickly, "And I'll go upstream. -If I find them I'll whistle." - -Marc nodded agreement and struck out, shoving his way through a thick -tangle of foliage. He moved along carefully toward a clearing that -he remembered to be ahead. Finally, starting through the last leafy -barrier, he caught his coat on a branch. He turned back to loosen it, -at the same time backing out into the opening, pulling against the hold -of the branch. The gun in his hand, however, made the maneuver awkward. -As the coat finally came loose, he fell backwards, landing on the grass. - -He was just starting to boost himself up, when he heard the scream -behind him. It was a shrill scream and filled with horror. There was -an ensuing moment of silence, then the sound of swiftly padding feet, -scurrying in all directions. Marc turned and looked. - -At first glance he was deeply startled, having forgotten momentarily -the condition of his eyes. A large collection of humanity, glistening -pinkly in the afternoon sunlight, were disappearing frenziedly into the -surrounding greenery. As their unclad backsides vanished behind cover, -Marc noticed that they had left behind them a number of picnic baskets, -thermos jugs and blankets. - -He sat for a moment, getting back his breath, then, on brief -reflection, it came to him that these picnickers, whoever they -were, had behaved with singular strangeness. Why should they run so -desperately for cover just because he had fallen into the clearing? - -He had only begun to ponder this curious equation when he realized -that perhaps his falling there really had nothing to do with it at -all. Perhaps something else, something much more formidable than a -mere intruder, had panicked them. Visions of man-consuming cobras and -slavering tigers flashed through his mind. Whatever it was that had -so upset these people, he wasn't going to hang around to welcome it -single-handedly. Leaping to his feet, he also ran for cover. - - * * * * * - -He crashed through the scratchy frontier of brush and came to an -abrupt stop. Crouching before him, her back fortunately turned, was -a plumpish, dark-haired woman, hiding her face in her hands. Marc -crouched quickly down beside her and for a moment there was a tense -silence. It was as though they waited for a bomb to drop. As the -moments passed, however, and nothing occurred, Marc cleared his throat. -The woman flinched nervously. - -"Shh!" she hissed. "Be quiet!" - -"What for?" Marc asked. "What happened?" - -"Didn't you see?" the woman asked. - -"I must have missed it," Marc said. - -"Well, just be quiet," the woman said again, and once more the silence -returned. - -Finally, out of sheer curiosity, Marc was forced to reopen the -conversation. - -"This seems to be my day for crouching down with women," he said, -trying a social tone. - -"Is it?" the woman said. "I suppose there's a reason why?" - -"I don't know," Marc said, feeling that this exchange was not destined -to make a great deal of sense. "But I'm beginning to be just a little -stiff from it." - -"From what?" the woman asked absently. - -"From crouching down with women," Marc said, wishing he hadn't started -the discussion in the first place. - -"Do you mean you get stiffer from crouching down with women than with -men?" the woman asked. - -"Well, I don't know about that," Marc said. "I've never crouched -down with any men. Do you suppose it would matter if I stood up and -stretched a bit?" - -"For heaven's sake!" the woman gasped. "Do you want to be seen?" - -"Why shouldn't I be seen?" Marc asked. - -"You know very well," the woman said, "the way you are." - -"The way I am?" - -"Certainly," the woman said. "You know how people get about that sort -of thing." - -"Oh?" Marc said, completely lost. "Say, how am I, anyway?" - -"How should I know how you are?" the woman said primly. "I don't allow -myself to think about those things." - -"But you were just talking about it," Marc said, "and about how people -get about it." - -"Your mind should be above it all," the woman said. "If you're asking -for compliments, you've come to the wrong party." - -"I persistently get the feeling," Marc said, "that we're talking about -two different things." - -"Weren't you at the last meeting when the citizen's committee showed up -and started chasing us around?" - -"Why no," Marc said interestedly, "I guess I missed that one." - -"The way people act," the woman said peevishly, "you'd think we nudists -aren't decent or something." - -"_Nudists!_" Marc yelped. "Then, you really haven't any clothes on -after all!" - -"Of course I haven't," the woman said self-righteously. "And you...." -Suddenly a quiver of realization coursed through her plump body and, -removing her hands from her eyes, she looked around at Marc with a -glance of horror. Her lips parted and she screamed. - -"You're dressed!" she cried. "You're the man with the gun! Get away -from me. Don't come near me!" - -"I wouldn't think of it!" Marc said, leaping to his feet. "Good -heavens, don't turn around!" - -"Don't worry," the woman said fervently, "I don't think I could even if -I wanted to! I'm just going to sit here and yell." And just to prove -it, apparently, she screamed again. "He's here!" she shrieked. "He's -here, with all his clothes on!" Her tone implied a nasty accusation. - -"Good grief!" Marc said. "You don't have to tell everybody, do you?" - - * * * * * - -Now that the alarm was out, the landscape came madly to life. Nudes of -all sizes and descriptions, clutching bits of greenery to themselves -where it was most needed, began leaping about through the brush like -fish in a net. - -Swiftly it developed into a full-blown stampede. Marc goggled with -disbelief as tanned figures rushed across the clearing and flashed out -of sight along the banks of the stream. - -"Well, I'll be darned!" Marc breathed and glanced down at the leavings -of the picnic. He shrugged and started on, hoping fervently that he -wouldn't overtake them again. With his eyes behaving so strangely -everything became so fraught with complexities. When, for instance, was -a nude not a nude? - - * * * * * - -Meanwhile, in another clearing just a bit farther along, Julie, her -blonde hair glinting golden in the sunshine, sat in a leafy bower with -her wide yellow skirts spread artfully about her long, aristocratic -legs. The hypnotic whisper of the stream was in her ears and the spell -of the first day of spring was in her blue eyes. From beneath drowsily -lowered lids, she watched Mario as he arranged his canvas and paints -and then, looking up, came toward her. - -"The neck of the blouse, Madonna mia," he said, "it needs to be just a -trifle lower so as to display more of the--uh--shoulder." He reached -out a slender hand. "May I?" - -Julie looked up, and for a moment her eyes met his. She glanced quickly -away, wondering what in the world was coming over her; she had never -felt this odd melting sensation before. Inwardly, she gave herself -a little shake, as a reminder that she was not a predatory creature -of impulse, no matter how much she felt like one. Then Mario's hand -touched her shoulder and she shivered. For just that one instant it -was as though Marc had never existed; the spell of the spring was too -strong. - -"Mario!" she breathed. - -"Madonna!" Mario whispered fervently, dropping to her side. "You are -exquisite! You are like a rare jewel in the sunlight!" And his arm -moved practicedly toward her shoulder. - -Their eyes met, and for a moment the tableau of romantic danger held, -suspended in time, it seemed. Then it shattered as the greenery -suddenly parted around them and a host of naked figures, desperately -clutching bunches of leaves to themselves, flooded into the clearing. -Julie looked up frightenedly and screamed. - -"Good heavens!" she cried. - -The undraped stampeders stopped short. There was an interval of stunned -silence, then the leafy interlopers, seized with a fit of modesty, -hastily huddled together and crouched down. - -"My God!" a small round-eyed man gasped. "We're surrounded. Everybody's -wearing clothes today." - -"Everywhere you look," said a tousled-looking blond, "there's -concealment!" - -The silence returned, more awkwardly this time. The nudists stared -worriedly at Julie and Mario and they, too stunned for words, stared -back. Julie, from sheer nervousness, finally spoke. - -"You--you haven't any clothes on!" she observed rather foolishly. - -"We are aware of that, madam," a bald-pated gentleman said miserably. -"And we're growing more aware of it every minute. You don't have to -tell us." - -"Don't you even care?" Julie asked shakenly. "Don't you _want_ to have -any on?" - -"No, we don't," the first man said defiantly. "We feel that for the -sake of our health--and morals, too--we shouldn't have." - -"It may be wonderful for your health," Julie said doubtfully, "but I -can't think it would do much for your morals." - -"That's because you don't understand," a woman snapped. "You're not a -right-thinker." - -"Well, it hardly matters now whether I understand or not," Julie said. -"Are you going to go on like that indefinitely?" - -"Not wearing clothes?" the man asked. - -"No," Julie said. "Crouching there, I mean, staring around. You are -making me terribly uncomfortable." - -"If we stood up," a skinny man said, "we'd make you a lot more -uncomfortable." - -"Yes," Julie agreed quickly. "I suppose you would. Still, we can't just -all sit here like this, can we?" - -"I don't know about you, lady," the skinny man said, "But I'd rather -not." - -"Then, what will we do?" Julie said. "If we close our eyes will you -promise to go away--very quietly." - -"But where will we go?" the man asked. "The woods are alive with -non-nudists today. We hardly know which way to turn." - -"You should have thought of that before you took your clothes off," -Julie said edgily. - - * * * * * - -At the far end of the clearing there was a dry parting of the bushes -and Marc ambled into range. His gaze went no farther than the nearest -nudist and, despite the gun, he put his hands over his eyes. - -"Marc!" Julie cried. - -At the sound of Julie's voice Marc's face drained of all color. The -worst had happened, just as he had suspected. Under Mario's degrading -influence, Julie had not only gone astray, she had even joined the -nudists. - -"Julie!" he cried forlornly. "How could you do a thing like this?" - -"A thing like what?" Julie asked, getting to her feet. "What are you -talking about?" - -"Running around--like that!" Marc said. - -"I'm not running around," Julie said, inching her neckline up guiltily. -"Why are you holding your hands over your eyes like that? And what are -you doing with that gun?" - -"I can't bear to look," Marc said. "I may shoot myself." - -"What!" Julie said, then smiled. "Oh, it's all this bare skin that -upsets you, eh?" - -Marc winced anew. "Doesn't it bother you?" he asked. - -"You'll never know how much," Julie said, "but they say it's good for -the health and the morals." - -"Morals!" Marc said. "I'm surprised you even know the word any longer. -I think I'd better leave." - -"Well, if I can face all this, surely you can, too," Julie said. "You -still haven't explained what you're doing with that gun." - -The skinny nude gentleman stirred anxiously. "Are you people going to -go on chatting all day?" he asked plaintively. "My leaves are beginning -to wilt." - -"Your leaves," Julie said tartly, "are no concern of ours." - -"If they droop just a little bit farther they'll be everybody's -concern," the man said wanly. - -"Yes, they certainly will," Marc shuddered. He turned in Julie's -direction. "I hope your leaves are holding up all right." - -"I don't have any leaves," Julie said. "Why should I have? Why are you -acting so strange?" - -Marc started forward. As he did so, he caught his toe on a projecting -root and stumbled. Lurching forward, he threw out his hand blindly and -inadvertently pulled the trigger of the gun. There was a deafening -report and a bullet sailed into the air. Julie, clutching at Mario's -arm screamed at the top of her lungs. - -"He's trying to kill us!" she yelled. "Run, Mario, run!" - -Mario hardly needed the invitation; even before it was completed, he -had begun to put his feet into motion. Dragging Julie after him, he -crashed into the brush, and the two of them disappeared from sight. - -"Julie!" Marc said brokenly. He opened his eyes and looked in the -direction of their departure. He glanced back at the nudists. "I hope -you're satisfied!" - -"We're not, mister," the skinny man wailed. "We can't hold onto these -leaves forever. What will we do then?" - -"I wouldn't be surprised at anything," Marc said nastily, "not from a -gang like you." - -Like a belated echo in the distance, there was the sound of a loud -report from the direction in which Julie and Mario had departed. - -"Good Lord!" Marc said, leaping forward. "I forgot!" He started toward -the bushes just in time to collide with Toffee who darted suddenly into -the open. - -"They're after them!" Toffee cried. "They heard your shot and closed -in!" There was the sound of two more shots. Marc started forward, but -Toffee held him back. - -"Don't go out there!" she cried. "They're in a mood to shoot anything -that moves!" - -"But if they kill Mario, Julie will swear I did it!" Marc said. "I've -got to stop them!" - - * * * * * - -Suddenly the air rattled with gunfire, this time closer at hand. In -the quiet that followed there was the sound of swiftly approaching -footsteps. An instant later, Moose crashed into the clearing and -jounced to a stop against Marc's chest. - -"Get outa the way, you civilian!" the thug yelled blindly. "The joint -is swarmin' with bulls!" - -Marc had only barely digested this frenzied bulletin when Floss, -Hotstuff, the blousy blonde and the other assorted criminals hurtled -drunkenly through the opening. - -"Cops everywhere!" Hotstuff wailed. He fixed Marc with a cold eye. "Who -tipped 'em off, huh?" - -"I didn't," Marc said. "Where are they?" - -"Fannin' out!" Floss whined. "Closin' in!" - -"Both at the same time?" Toffee asked curiously. - -"Well, I suppose it's better than murder," Marc said hopelessly. - -During this exchange, the fugitives had collected themselves enough to -be aware of the nudists, who, rising, were clutching their greenery to -them with trembling fright. - -"Holy gee!" Floss said. "Will you look at them! What's goin' on here, -an open air smoker?" - -"We do it for our health," the plump woman said defensively. - -"That's a new angle," Floss said interestedly. - -"The police!" the skinny man moaned, unaware of Floss' roving eye. -"They'll arrest us!" - -"Boy," Floss said evilly, "what a place for a pair of prunin' shears!" - -"Floss!" Hotstuff said severely. "This is no time for fun. The cops -will be swarmin' all over us in a minute!" - -"Are we just going to stand here and let them arrest us?" Toffee said. - -"We're surrounded," Moose said. "We'll have to shoot our way out." - -"No!" Marc yelled. "Absolutely no more shooting!" - -"We nudists," the skinny man announced quaveringly, "refuse to have any -part in all this." - -"You shut up!" Moose snarled. The sound of a wailing siren approached -from the distance. "Good God, they're on wheels now! They've got us -out-pointed." - -There was a general nervous shuffling as the assembled law-offenders -moved forward to view their oncoming fate. The movement was suddenly -arrested, however, as a roaring sound, accompanied by the snap and -crunch of despoiled underbrush, echoed near at hand. - -"Holy smoke!" Marc cried, "they're sending in tanks!" - -"Everybody grab something!" Floss said hysterically. "A lady must -defend herself to the end!" - -"And then what?" Toffee inquired bitterly. - -Already, the trees and bushes at the end of the clearing were starting -to thrash about with frenzied agitation. A tree crashed to earth and, -plowing over it, in a veering rush, came the yellow sight-seeing bus. -The driver, markedly foggy of eye, leaned his head out the window. - -"The cops!" he yelled. "They're after me! They've been chasing me to -hell and gone all over the place!" With a great grinding of brakes, the -bus jolted to a stop. "I gotta get outa here!" He peered down at Marc. -"Which way do I go, mister?" - -"Hey, wait!" Toffee said. "We've all got to get out of here!" She ran -around to the door of the bus. "Open up!" - -There was a crush of humanity as nudists and thugs alike struggled to -climb into the palpitating bus. - -"Snap into it!" the driver barked. "They're comin' in droves, those -cops, and they're all sore as hell!" - - * * * * * - -Marc and Toffee stumbled to the rear of the bus and dropped into -adjoining seats. - -"At least we've got a running start," Toffee said breathlessly. - -"Toward what, though?" Marc asked dismally. "The law thinks I'm an -undesirable and my wife thinks I'm a homicidal maniac. Have I thanked -you sufficiently for your wonderful help in this affair?" - -"At least I tried," Toffee said. "You might show a little gratitude for -that." - -But Marc wasn't listening. He was gaping at the others as they climbed -aboard and fell into their seats up ahead. - -"My gosh!" he breathed. - -"What is it?" Toffee asked. - -"In all this excitement--and with all those nudists around--I didn't -notice." - -"Notice what?" - -"The elixir is wearing off. Now, everybody's in their underwear! Except -the nudists, of course." - -"Well, at least," Toffee sighed, "you can keep your eyes open now." - -"I'm not so sure," Marc said. "You should see Hotstuff's -underwear--begonias on a field of purple." - -"No!" Toffee said delightedly. "I suppose even he has his poetic side." - -The conversation stopped short as the bus leaped ahead, throwing the -passengers back in their seats. - -"We'll try to circle around them!" the driver called out. "Hang on!" - -There was a crash as the bus lunged back into the foliage. Branches -lashed frenetically at the windows and skittered back into the -distance. There was a communal scream as a large oak loomed before the -windshield, but the driver, pulling frantically at the wheel, managed -to send the bus swerving around it. Presently, the leaping, bucking -vehicle fought its way clear of the wilds and emerged onto the green -expanse of the lawns. - -It all happened too quickly for any of the participants to have a very -clear view of exactly what happened. One thing, though, was woefully -evident; the driver had gotten mixed up in his directions. As they -quitted the undergrowth, they suddenly found themselves in a head-on -rush toward the charging ranks of the law. All at once the landscape -was fairly littered with scrambling, dissembling cops. A siren shrieked -with mechanical outrage. - -"Give it the gas!" the passengers yelled. "Give it hell!" - -The driver reacted automatically and pressed his foot down on the gas -with everything he had. The bus shot ahead, wildly out of control, -and headed into a zig-zag course toward the house. In the path there -suddenly loomed a pair of distracted figures who, at the sound of the -churning bus, looked back and instantly froze in their tracks. - -"Julie!" Marc screamed, leaping from his seat and fighting his way to a -position beside the driver. "Julie! Run!" - -Outside, Julie merely covered her face with her hands. "Oh, Lord!" she -wailed. "Now he's after us with a bus!" - -At the last second Marc grabbed the wheel from the driver and yanked at -it furiously. The bus careened to one side as Julie and Mario leaped or -fainted to the grass, out of the way. The bus roared on, while in the -background the siren hurled its piercing tone to the sky. Somewhere in -the distance a voice barked hoarsely. - -"Fire!" it bellowed. "Get 'em in the tires! That bus is packed with -lunatics!" - -There was an instantaneous volley of gunfire and suddenly the bus -skittered to one side, teetered precariously on two wheels, then -righted itself and plunged dead-on into the substantial trunk of a -weeping willow. There was a thunderous crash, a rising chorus of -terrified voices and then silence. - -By fighting her way through the mass of struggling bodies in the aisle, -Toffee managed to reach Marc's prone figure. She dropped down beside -him and drew his head gently into her lap. - -"Are you all right?" she asked. - -Marc opened his eyes and looked at her mistily. "I think so," he said. -"I feel so drowsy, though." Then suddenly he frowned. - -"What is it?" Toffee asked quickly. - -"Julie...." Marc said. - -"Julie? What about her?" - -"She wasn't with the nudists after all," Marc murmured. "I mean she -wasn't one of them." - -"Well, what's so bad about that?" - -Marc sighed unhappily. "She's wearing pink lace underwear!" he said. -"And she's never worn it before." With that, as though the thought were -too much for him, he closed his eyes and went limp in her arms. - -Toffee, like a drifting, though shapely, cloud of smoke, faded rapidly -into thin air. - -"Jeez!" breathed a cop who had reached the door of the bus just in -time to witness this phenomenon. "This gang is even creepier than we -thought!" - - * * * * * - -Judge Frennish plainly boggled at the sight that greeted his -astonished eyes as he ascended the bench. - -The defendants had split themselves into definite factions. At one -side of the court the nudists had huddled together in a tight little -protective unit, while the thugs and their dolls had disdainfully -withdrawn to the other side. Marc, still in a state of slumber, had -been casually deposited in a chair, mid-distant between the two groups. - -Briefly, the judge studied these separate crime camps and turned -a disillusioned gaze toward Sergeant Feeney who had reluctantly -accompanied him to the bench. - -"Good grief, Feeney," he said, "do you mean to say you picked up this -gang all in one place?" - -"All in one place," Sergeant Feeney nodded wearily. - -"Good Lord!" - -"Definitely, your honor," Sergeant Feeney agreed. "The ones without any -clothes claim they were havin' a picnic." - -"I'll just bet they were," the judge said. "Though I shouldn't think -they'd care to be so frank about it." He sighed tremulously. "And the -others? I see many familiar and loathsome faces there." - -"They explained that they were botany students out for a field day. -They're still quite drunk, your honor." - -"Isn't that Hotstuff Harold there in the middle?" - -"Yes, your honor," Sergeant Feeney said thinly, "he insists he's the -head of the class." - -"Quite a haul," the judge said. "I only wish they'd haul them somewhere -else. What about that tall fellow there who seems to be asleep? Is he -the one who was turned in earlier on the morals charge?" - -"Yes, your honor. There's nothin' rightly wrong with him, accordin' to -the doctor. Either he's shammin' or he's been takin' dope." - -"A nasty business, Feeney," the judge commented sourly. He glanced -around the room as though hoping to find some unexpected avenue of -escape, then shrugged. "I suppose I might as well plunge in." Picking -up the gavel, he banged it heavily on the bench. The defendants and the -spectators looked up apprehensively. - -"The court will come to order!" the judge announced, a severe look -coming into his dark eyes. "It had darned well better, anyway." He -fixed the nudists with a steely glance. "Is there a spokesman for this -shameless group over here?" - -The skinny man edged forward, clutching his badly drooping leaves. He -flushed embarrassedly. - -"I suppose I am, your honor," he said weakly. - -The judge eyed him without pleasure. "Why are you crouched down like -that? Got a bellyache?" - -"No, sir," the skinny man said. "It's just that I can't stand up--the -way my leaves are. It wouldn't look right." - -"It doesn't look right now," the judge said tersely. "It looks -perfectly dreadful." - -The skinny man flushed a still deeper shade of red and agitated his -leaves. "I'm sorry, your honor." - -"It's too late to be sorry," the judge said. "Now, suppose you just -tell me what you people were doing, running around indecently exposed." - -"Well, your honor," the skinny man said hopefully, "we were having a -picnic." - - * * * * * - -The judge blanched a mottled grey. "So I've heard," he said. "There's -no need to be defiant about it, you know." - -"It was all very nice and orderly," the man offered, "until Mr. -Pillsworth showed up." - -"And then it got disorderly?" - -"Everything got completely out of hand." - -The judge's gaze swiveled toward Marc with gloomy speculation. "This -fellow Pillsworth must exert a powerful influence everywhere he goes," -he said. He turned back to the nudist. - -"Just how out of hand did everything get, would you say?" - -"I don't know exactly," the skinny man said. "Everyone was leaping -about and running. It got pretty hard to follow. I don't think there -were any broken bones, though." - -"Broken bones!" the judge wheezed. He closed his eyes, as though to -blot out a vision too awful for observation. When he opened them again, -they were fixed on Hotstuff Harold. - -"And how did you and your disreputable friends get mixed up in this?" -he asked malevolently. - -"We weren't mixed up in it," Hotstuff Harold said innocently. "We -didn't know anything about these nudists until close to the end. We -were very shocked at them." - -"I dare say," the judge said dryly. "And may I ask, since you were out -merely sniffing the flowers, how you all happened to be armed with -guns?" - -"Well," Hotstuff said vaguely, "we botanists can't be too careful, you -know. There might be snakes." - -"There _are_ snakes," the judge said evenly, "and this courtroom is -fairly crawling with them. Don't tell me that you were shooting up the -countryside just to be on the safe side. Don't tell me that!" - -"No, sir," Hotstuff said sullenly. "I was goin' to, but I won't." - -Floss stepped forward, her hair in wild disarray. "Look, your honor," -she said, "I guess we might as well come clean. We was only out doin' a -little job for Pillsworth." - -"What!" the judge said. "You mean to say this Pillsworth commissioned -you to do murder for him?" - -"Well, not exactly murder," Floss said ingenuously. "We was just -arrangin' a little accident--outa gratitude." - -"This Pillsworth is a veritable fiend!" the judge said hollowly. "He's -even managed to corrupt the underworld!" He glanced around the room. -"Where's this bus thief I've heard about?" - -The disconsolate driver shuffled forward. "That's me, I guess," he said. - -The judge studied the man pettishly. "You admit stealing this bus?" - -"I guess I did steal it," the driver said, "if you want to be technical -about it." - -"And I do," the judge said. "Do you have anything to say for yourself?" - -"Well," the driver reflected, "I didn't exactly steal it with malice -aforethought. That is I wasn't even thinking about stealing it until -Pillsworth came along and asked me about it." - -"Don't tell me this Pillsworth persuaded you to take the bus?" - -"Well, the money was quite an inducement." - - * * * * * - -For a moment, the judge appeared to brood into space, then, decisively, -he turned to Sergeant Feeney. - -"Wake this Pillsworth monster up," he said. - -"Yes, your honor," the sergeant said and advanced toward Marc. - -"I'll help," Floss said, joining him. "I'll loosen his tie." - -"Thanks, miss," the sergeant said. "And I'll rub his wrists." - -The court became quiet with speculation as Floss and the sergeant -labored to arouse Marc. The stillness was soon shattered, however, as -the door at the rear flew open and Julie, followed by Mario, flew down -the aisle, her eyes ablaze. - -"Stop!" she yelled. "Stop everything!" - -"Madam!" the judge said, "the court is in session!" - -"That's just fine," Julie said. She looked around wildly. "Where is he? -Have you got him under restraint?" - -"Have we got whom under restraint?" - -"My husband, Marcus Pillsworth. Is he tied up?" - -"He's under arrest," the judge said. "Should he be under restraint, -too?" - -"Should he!" Julie said. "He's mad! He tried to shoot us and when that -didn't work he chased us with this frightful bus!" - -"How awful!" the judge said. "Your husband appears to be a one-man -crime wave." - -"Then he took the silver and my jewelry!" Julie nodded. She turned to -Mario. "Isn't that right, Mario?" - -"Yes, Madonna," Mario said. - -The judge shook his head. "Your husband hasn't missed a trick today. I -never saw anyone so hell-bent for criminality." - -"I want a divorce!" Julie cried. "I...." - -The judge held up a hand. "Just a minute!" he cried. "I'm losing -track." He consulted the sheaf of reports before him. "Now, taking it -from the beginning, your husband's crimes, since only this morning, -include possession of lewd pictures, jail breaking, destruction of -private property, resisting arrest, disturbing the peace, assaulting -seven officers, collusion in an automobile theft, lewd and immoral -conduct, two attempts at murder, harboring criminals and, now, grand -larceny and perhaps an insurance swindle." The judge paused for breath. -"That's just hitting the high points." - -"I want a divorce!" Julie insisted. - -"You certainly shouldn't have any trouble getting one," the judge said -firmly. - -The skinny nudist, stirred uneasily. "Your honor," he said timidly, -"what about our leaves? Now, they're beginning to dry out. They may -even fall!" - -The judge started, banging the gavel with reflexive nervousness. "Your -leaves are entirely your own responsibility!" he snapped. "If they're -drying out, then just don't rustle them." - -"That doesn't allow us much freedom of movement," the nudist said. - -"From what I've heard, that's probably all for the best. And if I hear -any rustling I'll know what to make of it." The judge turned back to -Julie. "After your husband answers the charges...." - -At this point, Marc, responding to treatment, sat up and opened his -eyes. He looked around at the assemblage and smiled bewilderedly. - -"Fiend!" the judge thundered. - -"Hold him back!" Julie screamed. "Don't let him near me!" - -Marc started violently, and Floss put out a hand to steady him. - -"Get your sticky hands off that man!" a voice hissed. - - * * * * * - -Everyone turned in surprise to see Toffee, newly reinstated to the -realm of reality, move forward. - -"I was only tryin' to help," Floss said defensively. - -"I saw you palm that wallet," Toffee said hotly. "Put it back, you -camp-following kewpie before I crack your plaster!" - -"Okay," Floss said, replacing the wallet, "but I guess I've got as much -right to him as you." - -"You've also got a right to be carried out of here feet first!" Toffee -said. Doubling her fists, she stepped forward. "What kind of flowers do -you want on your coffin?" - -"Why, you redheaded hellcat...." - -The gavel banged thunderously. "Just what's going on here?" the judge -roared, leaning across the bench. He pointed to Toffee. "How did you -get in here?" - -Toffee moved sinuously toward the bench. "Don't upset yourself with -worrisome details, judge," she smiled. "Let's just stop flubbing around -here and get on the ball." - -"What!" the judge yelled. - -"You're far too upset to handle the situation sensibly. Anyone can see -that." - -"Are you in contempt of court?" the judge wheezed. - -"Please don't ask me that, judge," Toffee said sweetly. "Let's be -friends." - -"Now, look here...." - -"Be calm, judge!" Toffee said. "If you don't settle down we'll have to -find someone else. Now, who's being charged with what around here?" - -"Who is that woman?" Julie demanded sharply. - -Toffee smiled at her winsomely. "It would only upset you to know, -dear," she murmured. - -The gavel banged again, announcing that the judge had regained the gift -of speech. "Silence in the court!" he bellowed. He turned eyes heavy -with vexation on Toffee's pert face. "If I give you a resume of the -court's activities until the awful moment of your intrusion, will that -make you feel sufficiently included in things?" - -"That would be fine, judge," Toffee said pleasantly. - -"God in heaven!" the judge moaned and took a deep breath. In a rumbling -voice he enumerated again the list of Marc's crimes. As he did so, -Marc's expression became more and more incredulous. - -"But that's not true!" he cried out. "Almost none of it, judge!" - -"Certainly it isn't," Toffee said. "In the first place, those lewd -pictures were planted on him." - -"That's right, judge," Hotstuff said contritely. "I eased 'em onto him." - -"And he didn't wreck any store, either," Toffee said hotly. "It was the -sergeant and his clumsy chums. As for assaulting them, I'd be happy to -oblige." - -"And about the bus," Marc said. "I hadn't any reason to suspect it was -stolen." - -"I guess that's right, judge," the driver said sadly. "I didn't tell -him it wasn't mine." - -"There's something else you didn't get straight, judge," the skinny -nudist said. "His behavior wasn't lewd or immoral. It was just that he -had his clothes on. Naturally, we were upset." - -"He wasn't shootin' at anyone, either," Moose put in. "He was just -tryin' to stop us." - -"Wait a minute!" the judge yelled. "In a minute you'll be trying to -tell me this Pillsworth is a saint." He coughed excitedly. "I'm pleased -that you've all decided to incriminate yourselves, but you still -haven't succeeded in clearing Pillsworth. There are still the charges -of jail breaking and jewel robbery." He levelled his gaze on Marc. -"What have you got to say to that?" - - * * * * * - -Marc's interest, however, had been diverted by Hotstuff, who, for the -past several minutes had been staring with unbroken fascination at -Mario. Overlooking Hotstuff's begonia infested shorts, Marc followed -the pickpocket's gaze across the courtroom. - -The first thing Marc noticed was that Mario was not comfortable under -Hotstuff's curious stare. The second was a large birthmark, roughly the -shape of an eagle, on Mario's forearm. - -"My word!" Marc murmured. - -"Mr. Pillsworth!" the judge said. "Would you mind giving your attention -to the court?" - -"Oh, yes, your honor," Marc said, "I was just noticing the birthmark on -Mr. Matalini's arm. Its resemblance to an eagle is remarkable." - -"Birthmark?" the judge said, glancing at Mario. "What birthmark?" - -"Well, judge," Marc said, "you can't see it. But with my eyes the way -they are...." - -"Mayfair Marvin!" Hotstuff ejaculated loudly. "Well, I'll be damned!" - -"You be quiet!" the judge said. "No one asked you anything." - -"But I'm telling you something!" Hotstuff said excitedly. "That guy is -Mayfair Marvin with a dye job and a moustache. He's one of the hottest -international jewel thieves in the racket!" - -"What!" the judge said. "Isn't there anyone innocent in this court?" - -Mario, who had suddenly lost his ruddy complexion, edged toward the -exit. "That's preposterous!" he said. - -"Yeah?" Hotstuff drawled. "Let's check that birthmark with the official -descriptions." He turned to Julie. "If you want to know where your -jewelry is, lady, just ask this bum." - -Stricken, Julie turned to Mario, who refused to meet her gaze. - -"How about it, Marvin?" Hotstuff said. "Do you fork over the rocks or -do I tell the court about that job in London when...." - -"All right!" the bogus Mario said weakly. He turned to Julie. "If you -look under the hedge at the end of the drive you'll find your jewelry -buried there. I meant to come back for it later, after a fortuitous -call to the bedside of my dying mother." - -"Sergeant Feeney," the judge said, "grab that man and have him locked -up." - -"Yes, your honor," Sergeant Feeney said and, taking Mario by the arm, -relievedly escorted him from the room. As he did so, Julie buried her -face in her hands and began to cry. - -"There!" Toffee said elatedly, turning to the judge, "you see? There -goes another charge!" - -"There's still the one of jail breaking," the judge said spitefully. -"It simply means that the charges, instead of being centralized with -one man, are now more evenly distributed. In a minute now I'm going to -start throwing sentences around here like rice at a wedding. The lot of -you--with the exception of Mrs. Pillsworth--can start planning a nice -long retirement." - - * * * * * - -As the judge leaned down to study and rearrange the reports before him, -Toffee turned quickly to Marc. - -"Do you still have the elixir?" she asked. - -"Huh?" Marc said, his eyes on Julie. - -"The elixir," Toffee said. "Give it to me!" - -"Oh, that," Marc murmured. He reached into his pocket, extracted the -partially filled bottle and handed it over. "Here." - -"Thanks," Toffee said. She advanced happily to the bench and stood for -a moment gazing soulfully into the judge's scowling countenance. - -"If you need some help," she said demurely, "I'll be glad to give you a -hand. You'll probably never figure it out all by yourself." - -"What!" the judge said, infuriated. - -"Well, let's face it," Toffee said innocently, "with a muckle-head like -you running the show we'll never get anywhere." - -"You _are_ in contempt!" the judge screamed. "I thought so all along!" - -"Well, you must admit it's a pretty contemptible court," Toffee said. -"Nothing personal, judge, but...." - -"Silence!" the judge cried. "Don't say another word or I may have -to send myself up for murder! I...." The rest was lost in a fit of -coughing. - -Quickly, a triumphant gleam in her eye, Toffee reached to the water -pitcher at the side of the bench, emptied the elixir into it and poured -a draft for the judge. - -"Here, judge," she said, "pull yourself together." - -The judge drained the glass and, closing his eyes, leaned back in his -chair. Through the ensuing silence, Toffee returned to Marc's side. - -"His honor may see things a little differently now," she mused. - -"Why should he?" Marc said angrily. "All you've done is insult him." - -"I also fed him the elixir." - -"You--you gave him that!" - -"In the water," Toffee nodded. "I hope it works." - -"But it's unpredictable! There's no telling how he'll react." - -"Any change," Toffee said, "is bound to be an improvement." - -During this exchange, the judge seemed to have fallen into a doze. -For a time, while the court waited breathlessly, he remained still, -then he stirred. Drowsily, he opened his eyes and sat up. Looking -enormously refreshed, he surveyed the defendants before him blankly for -a moment and then, quite astonishingly, grinned with a sort of gentle -mischievousness. He looked around at Sergeant Feeney, who had just -returned from the cells. - -"Well, hello, sergeant," he said. He made an inquiring gesture toward -the defendants. "Who are all these attractive people?" - -"Huh?" grunted Sergeant Feeney. "Why they're bein' tried, your honor." - -"Tried?" the judge said. "How do you mean?" - -"You're tryin' them, that's all," Sergeant Feeney said, puzzled. - -"I am!" the judge said. "Then I must stop it instantly. I assume that -when you say they're being tried, you mean someone has been very trying -with them. I can see, now that you mention it, they look a bit put out. -Well, we'll have to do something about that." He smiled at Marc and -Toffee and the others with winning graciousness. "I want you to know -that I'm grateful to you all for coming today, and I'm sorry if I've -bored you." He turned back to Sergeant Feeney. "Have I been lecturing -on the life of the mollusk again, or something like that?" - - * * * * * - -Sergeant Feeney observed the judge quizzically. "Your honor, this is a -gang of desperate criminals and you're the judge who's...." - -"Oh, no, no!" the judge laughed suddenly. "Oh, you're mistaken, -sergeant! I'm no judge." His expression, however, became thoughtful. -"It's curious, though, that you should think that, because I do have a -vague recollection that I once was a judge--though it may have been a -dream--and I wanted nothing more than to forget it. I got so weary of -having to be virtuous all the time. But, I'm sure it was only a dream. -Aren't you?" - -"Your honor!" the skinny nudist said plaintively. "I really think -something ought to be done about our leaves!" - -"Your leaves?" the judge asked. - -"Yes, your honor. We need fresh ones desperately." - -"My, my," the judge said admiringly, "don't you all look cool and -comfortable, though?" - -"Huh?" the nudist said. "You mean you aren't sore at us any more for -being nudists?" - -"Sore at you?" the judge said. "Why should I be sore at you? As a -matter of fact I'll tell you a little secret." Abandoning the bench and -descending to the floor, he lifted his robes to display a pair of bare -and knobby knees. "On warm days I never wear pants!" he chortled. - -"My gosh!" the nudist said. - -"Hey, what about us?" Hotstuff said. "Are you going to let them off and -send us up for taking pot shots at Mario?" - -"Did you do _that_!" the judge said delightedly. "Of course I don't -know this Mario of yours, but I'm sure it did the scamp a world of good -to have his pot shot at." He looked around fondly at the assemblage. -"But what are we all doing indoors on a lovely day like this? Why don't -we all go on a picnic or something?" - -"Then you mean we're all dismissed?" Toffee asked. "We can go?" - -"Why certainly, you lovely child," the judge said benignly. "Run along -and get into some sort of beautiful mischief. And if there's anything I -can do to help...." - -"You've already done it," Toffee said. She turned to Marc. "Come on!" - -But Marc was watching Julie as she turned and started disconsolately to -leave the court. - -"Julie!" he called. "Julie!" - -"Hey, now," Toffee said, "don't tell me you're going to go chasing -after that thin blonde just because you married her once!" - -Marc remained heedless. "Julie!" he cried, starting after her. "Wait a -minute!" - -"Oh, yeah!" Toffee said and, deftly, she put her foot in front of his. - -Marc shot out into space head first and came up abruptly against -the leg of a table. He dropped to the floor, made a small twitching -movement and went limp. - -"Julie!" he murmured. - -"That'll show you, you big stiff," Toffee said. "You can't just toss me -aside like a...." - -And then, as Marc passed out, she, like the words she never finished, -faded away into nothing.... - -"What a stunning girl," the judge murmured thoughtfully. "There's -something so elusive about her." - -At his side, Sergeant Feeney fainted dead away. - - * * * * * - -In his subconscious world of gently-sloping knolls and strange feathery -trees, Marc lounged on the cool greenness and smiled up at Toffee. - -"Sometimes," he said, "I'm not certain which is truly real, this world -or the other." - -"Reality is only relative," Toffee said sagely. "After all, if you -didn't believe in me, I wouldn't exist." She leaned down close and -brushed her lips across his. "You wouldn't even be able to feel my -kiss. Reality can be happy or sad, depending on how you look at it. If -you see only the happy side of things...." - -She paused as the light began to flicker uncertainly in the glowing sky -above them. "It's time for you to go back now; I'll have to continue -this little sermon another time." She touched his cheek. "It's been a -lovely day, Marc. Goodbye--until we can do it all over again...." - -"Goodbye," Marc said, "and thanks." - -The light flickered again and was gone. Marc felt himself begin to -drift. - -"Goodbye...." - - * * * * * - -"Marc!" the voice cried. - -Marc looked up to find Julie bending over him. He was relieved to note -that she now appeared fully dressed. - -"Oh, can you ever forgive me?" Julie said. "It was Mario who suggested -I take the jewels to the country--in case he needed them for the -portrait. And when we were out by the stream this afternoon...." - -"Never mind," Marc said. "It's all over now, let's forget it. Will you -help me up?" - -Taking his arm, Julie guided him to his feet. - -"Look, dear," she said, "couldn't you drive back to the country with -me? A few days vacation wouldn't hurt too much, surely. You'd like to, -wouldn't you?" - -"I'd love to," Marc said suddenly. He took her hand in his. "Let's go." - -"You poor dear," Julie murmured. "I wonder how you stood it, with -everyone saying such awful things about you when you really hadn't done -anything at all." - -Together, they left the court and started down the walk toward the -convertible. - -As they left the city and started into the country, Marc pulled the car -over to the side of the highway and gave his attention to the drama of -the brilliant sunset. - -"Well," he sighed, "there it goes, the first day of spring." - -"Thank heavens," Julie said. "Now we can relax and enjoy it." - -But there was still a question nagging at the back of Marc's mind. - -"I was just thinking, dear," he said, "about your birthday...." - -"Birthday!" Julie said. "But that's months away yet!" - -"But, still," Marc said, "I was wondering what you'd like for a gift. I -thought maybe some nice pink lace underwear...." - -"Pink lace underwear!" Julie said. She began to laugh. - -"What's so funny?" Marc asked suspiciously. - -"Darling," Julie said, "don't you remember the pink lace underwear -mother gave me for Christmas and how I loathed it? Well, I brought it -to the country where it wouldn't matter just so I could wear it out and -get rid of it." - -Marc's relief came to the surface in a smile. "Then pink lace is out, -huh?" - -"Definitely," Julie said. "But if you insist on lingerie, get me -something wicked and black. No true siren would ever dream of letting -herself be caught in pink." - -Marc reached across the seat and drew her close to him. "In the spring -time," he said, "a young man's likely to get fancy." - -The sun, on the horizon, slid conveniently out of sight and was gone. -As it did, a breeze blew lightly through the car and somewhere, it -seemed, there was laughter. - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LAUGHTER OF TOFFEE *** - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part -of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm -concept and trademark. 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Myers</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online -at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you -are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the -country where you are located before using this eBook. -</div> - -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: The Laughter of Toffee</p> - -<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Charles F. Myers</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: August 8, 2021 [eBook #66014]</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Character set encoding: UTF-8</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net</div> - -<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LAUGHTER OF TOFFEE ***</div> - -<div class="figcenter x-ebookmaker-drop"> - <img src="images/illusc.jpg" alt=""/> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="titlepage"> - -<h1>THE LAUGHTER OF TOFFEE</h1> - -<h2>By Charles F. Myers</h2> - -<p>Marc's troubles began the moment Hotshot<br /> -Harold planted the miracle elixir on him. Then<br /> -came a bevy of cops—Toffee—and X-ray eyes....</p> - -<p>[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from<br /> -Imagination Stories of Science and Fantasy<br /> -October 1954<br /> -Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that<br /> -the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]</p> - -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p>To the casual observer that morning Marc Pillsworth presented only the -picture of a rather loose-jointed, yet constrained, businessman on his -way to another orderly day at the office. One would hardly have guessed -that he was striding forward into the first leg of a journey that was -destined to take him on a shrieking, streaking sleigh ride of madness, -frenzy and crime. Indeed, Marc himself would never have dreamed that -such a thing was even possible.</p> - -<p>The trouble was, of course, that this was the first day of spring. -The world had finally shrugged itself free of winter and, with a toss -of its golden curls, was unmistakably casting about for some sort of -foolishness to get into. The sun was burgeoning bright in the sky, -green things were intruding their heads impertinently through the warm -soil along the sidewalks and the breezes, gentle and flirtatious, -were fingering the voluminous skirts of the passing shop girls. The -inhabitants of the city, to the man, were feeling pleasantly silly in -the head.</p> - -<p>To the man, that is, except for Marc.</p> - -<p>Marc, founder, president, guiding genius and devoted slave to the -Pillsworth Advertising Agency, felt merely dyspeptic. Making his way -past the shops with their blossoming window boxes, he loathed the -spring. At the moment, in fact, there was only one thing that Marc -loathed more than the spring and that was Mario Matalini, the eminent -Italian portrait artist.</p> - -<p>Marc had never before experienced jealousy and it came to him now as a -singularly unpleasant sensation. For one thing, it gave him gas.</p> - -<p>Though he had been married long enough to have achieved a certain -complacency about matrimony in general, every time he thought of -Julie and Mario alone at the country house, he automatically burped. -Italians, it was said, were notoriously affected by cold blonde beauty, -and Julie on occasion, resembled nothing so much as a tantalizing and -unattainable angel carved from ice. It was a combination that was not -reassuring.</p> - -<p>The trip to the country, of course, had been Mario's idea. It had come -to him in a gaudy flash of inspiration the very evening Julie had -commissioned him to do her portrait.</p> - -<p>"Ah, Madonna Mia!" the mustachioed artist had crooned revoltingly. "You -shall be my masterpiece! I can feel it now. There is the season of -spring in your lovely face—the enigma, the withholding, the promise!" -His dark eyes caressed her classic features, and he leaned forward -abruptly. "I know!" he breathed. "I shall paint you surrounded by -nature—on the very first day of spring! You will be like a goddess, -with the new grasses and the first green leaves everywhere around you!" -He sighed delicately. "I have never done a portrait in this manner, -but how can I confine such a subject to a dismal studio?" He smiled at -Julie as though Marc were not even in the room. "It is true, is it not, -that you own one of the handsomest country houses in the state?"</p> - -<p>Marc had opened his mouth to protest, but Julie's eyes were aglow with -the vision of herself as a spring-time goddess. The damage had been -done and there was no patching it up.</p> - -<p>The two of them had been at the country house for a week now, looking -for the perfect setting for the portrait, waiting for the perfect day -to begin it. With each passing day Marc had grown a bit uneasier. Of -course Mr. Busby, the caretaker, made a splendid chaperon, but there -was still something about Mario that just naturally put your teeth on -edge.</p> - -<p>Business had prevented his joining the pilgrimage to the country; -the summer advertising campaigns, now in preparation, demanded the -last measure of his personal attention. As an active guardian of his -castle and his wife's virtue, he found himself seriously hampered. With -this dark thought looming in his mind, he burped anew and halted his -office-bound progress to enter a drug store. A man could hardly expect -to retain his clients' good will by belching in their faces.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Inside the store, he proceeded to the pharmacist's counter at the rear. -There, he found himself confronted by a balding, fastidious individual -in a white jacket whose gaze was fastened tenaciously on the remarkable -legs of the silken brunette who presided at the nearby cosmetics -counter. As Marc cleared his throat, the man looked up with eyes that -were gently bemused.</p> - -<p>"Yes?" he inquired disinterestedly.</p> - -<p>Marc leaned forward. "I need something for gas," he said.</p> - -<p>The druggist smiled blandly, but his gaze drifted back to the -fascinating legs. "Grass?" he murmured dreamily. "Grass seed is at the -front of the store.</p> - -<p>"Not grass," Marc said. "I don't want grass. 'Gas' is what I said."</p> - -<p>"Gas?" the druggist sighed. "We don't carry gas. May I suggest a -filling station?"</p> - -<p>"You don't understand," Marc said. "I don't <i>want</i> gas, I want to get -rid of it."</p> - -<p>The druggist regarded him uncertainly. "No sale, pal," he said. "I -don't need any."</p> - -<p>"Don't need any what?" Marc asked. The conversation was beginning to -make him feel a bit dizzy.</p> - -<p>"Gas," the druggist said. "Are you selling, door to door, or are you -giving it away in samples?"</p> - -<p>"I'd certainly like to give it away," Marc said testily. "I know just -the person for it."</p> - -<p>"No one will take it, eh?" the druggist said. "That's human nature -for you. It's like this fellow who tried to give away hundred dollar -bills...."</p> - -<p>"I think we're at cross-purposes here," Marc broke in anxiously. "I -have this gas, you see, and I want to get rid of it. Can you help me or -can't you?"</p> - -<p>"Well," the druggist said undecidedly, "I suppose I can ask around. -But tell me this, why do you want to get rid of this gas? Is there -something funny about it?"</p> - -<p>"I'd hardly call it funny," Marc said stiffly. "It makes an awful -noise."</p> - -<p>"Noise?" the druggist said. "Why should it make a noise?"</p> - -<p>"It just does!" Marc said angrily. "I can't control it."</p> - -<p>"Then no wonder no one will take it. There's your answer right there."</p> - -<p>"I think you must be mad," Marc said shortly.</p> - -<p>"I think one of us must be," the druggist agreed. He surveyed Marc's -lean frame wonderingly. "Why do you keep on with this gas of yours if -it makes these disgusting noises?"</p> - -<p>"I don't want to keep on with it," Marc said desperately. "That's why I -came to you."</p> - -<p>"And on such a beautiful day, too," the druggist murmured sadly. A new -thought struck him and he glanced up sharply. "Where do you keep this -awful gas of yours?"</p> - -<p>"On my stomach, of course," Marc said hotly. "Where would I keep it?"</p> - -<p>Slowly the light of realization dawned in the druggist's face. "Oh! -What you mean is you have gas on the stomach!"</p> - -<p>"Yes," Marc said, drawing himself up. "But there's no need to shout it -out to the entire store, is there?"</p> - -<p>"You'll have to excuse me," the druggist said apologetically. "I don't -know what's come over me today." His gaze reverted briefly to the legs -across the aisle. "I guess there's something in the air this morning."</p> - -<p>"I guess so," Marc said shortly. "But do you have something for my -gas?"</p> - -<p>"Why, surely," the druggist said grandly. He reached under the counter -and produced a small brown bottle filled with a syrupy liquid. "A -little mixture of my own. Just drink it down and your worries are over. -Just put it in your pocket. I couldn't charge you after all we've been -through together."</p> - -<p>Marc slipped the bottle into his coat pocket. He started to murmur his -thanks, but the druggist's attention had returned permanently to harbor -at the cosmetics counter. Marc shrugged and walked out of the store.</p> - -<p>There certainly was something in the air, Marc reflected as he strode -toward the corner, an almost tangible kind of madness. The coming of -spring had turned the world giddy. You could feel it everywhere. In the -country, where spring was so much more in evidence, the feeling was -probably just that much more intense.... But he tried not to dwell on -that.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>At the corner the signal turned to red and as the traffic moved forward -in a rush, Marc stepped back to the curb to wait. Lost in his own -thought, he was not aware of the small hawk-beaked individual who -had stopped beside him until a pallid, nervous hand tugged lightly at -his sleeve. From his height of six feet two, he turned to look down -annoyedly at the crown of a drab bowler hat and the shoulders of a -shabby brown suit. Shiftily the little man glanced sideways, then -grinned up at him.</p> - -<p>"Hey, man," he said furtively, "how about a look at some hot stuff -straight from Paris, France. It's the real thing."</p> - -<p>"I beg your pardon?" Marc said stiffly.</p> - -<p>"You know," the little man said with an odious wink, "dames with their -skin showin'—all the way down." With the quick movement of a conjurer -he turned his hand and produced for Marc's edification the photograph -of a dark-haired, not-so-young lady, peering back lasciviously over a -shoulder that was bare clear down to the soles of her feet. Flushing -with surprise and embarrassment, Marc looked away.</p> - -<p>"That's one of the tame ones," the little hustler said. "Man, the -others will stone you! Dig?"</p> - -<p>"I do not dig," Marc said tersely, "and I do not wish to be stoned. -Please go away."</p> - -<p>"You mean you don't care about feminine pulchritude?" the little man -asked in a scandalized tone.</p> - -<p>"I am not interested in dirty postcards," Marc said. "As a respectable -married man...."</p> - -<p>The little man made a sharp sound of alarm. "You got trouble, man," -he said. "Respectable and married too! I bet you're a big bomb around -the house. There's nothin' a woman hates worse than bein' married to a -respectable married man."</p> - -<p>Mercifully, the light chose that moment to change, and Marc turned -away. The nervous hand, however, again caught at his sleeve.</p> - -<p>"Hold up, man," the little man said urgently. He produced a small brown -bottle from the inner reaches of his disreputable suit. "I like to see -people happy, man, and if ever I saw a guy in a bind, it's you. So, in -your case, I'll make you an extra special exception. I'll give you a -crack at this single last remaining bottle of genuine French Elixir."</p> - -<p>"Let go of my sleeve," Marc said evenly.</p> - -<p>The hand, nevertheless, remained. "You see here, right in front of -your own eyes, one of the rare, unattainable hard-to-get exotic spring -tonics of the world. It lifts the spirit and opens the eyes. It ain't -harmful or habit-formin'."</p> - -<p>Marc frowned severely. "I am not, nor do I care to become, a dope -addict."</p> - -<p>"This ain't no dope, man," the little man insisted. "I told you! It -gives a guy a new perspective."</p> - -<p>"From which he can more clearly look at the photographs of naked -ladies? If that's your idea of...."</p> - -<p>Marc stopped, for his adversary, seemed suddenly to go mad. Blanching, -the little man hurled himself forward, apparently out of control. -Colliding with Marc, he grabbled wildly with him for a moment, then -abruptly shoved himself away. For a moment Marc was completely at a -loss to explain this startling performance; then he caught sight of the -policeman approaching from across the street.</p> - -<p>"Sorry, man!" the purveyor of erotics said hastily and, with that, he -darted off down the street.</p> - -<p>In almost the same instant, the policeman gained the curbing on the -run. He cast Marc a swift glance but kept on rapidly down the street.</p> - -<p>Marc watched the chase bemusedly as it continued half way up the block, -then out of sight into the entrance of an alley. He hoped the little -peddler would be caught; a salesman of smutty pictures only added -to the loose atmosphere of the day. He turned away, heading for the -office. And then he stopped.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Actually it was the little man's remark about the wives of respectable -married men that halted Marc's step. Suddenly it struck him that -perhaps this message had been delivered to him, through Fate, as a -sort of warning. He pondered for a moment with furrowed brow, then, -resolutely, he turned again and started back the way he had come. He -had definitely made up his mind. Julie had taken the convertible, but -the coupe was still in the garage. If he started out now, he could be -at the country house well before noon, and Mario could be fired, packed -and sent on his way before sunset. Business, for this one day, would -have to wait.</p> - -<p>His course of action set, Marc continued determinedly down the -street. His only fear, now, was that he might be too late. Julie, -quite extraordinarily, had taken her prized and priceless collection -of jewels to the country, a fact which was so highly significant and -disturbing. Julie was so inordinately proud of her jewels that she -never removed them from the vault except for the most special of -special occasions. Just what sort of special occasion she had been -contemplating this time, Marc dreaded to think. By the time he had -reached the alley, he had quite forgotten about the little man and -the pursuing policeman. He started violently, therefore, when the -policeman suddenly materialized from the mouth of the alley and grabbed -him roughly by the shoulder.</p> - -<p>"Here you!" the policeman snarled. "Hold up there!"</p> - -<p>"Who?" Marc said weakly. "Me?"</p> - -<p>"Not your Aunt Fanny," the cop said sourly. His face was an angry -crimson from running. "I seen you back there with Hotstuff."</p> - -<p>"Hotstuff?" Marc said. "Oh, you mean the pictures that...."</p> - -<p>"Don't give me that, mac," the cop growled. "Don't tell me you are just -an innocent bystander. If you ain't that guy's confederate...."</p> - -<p>"Confederate!" Marc wheezed. "Now, do I look like the sort of person -who...."</p> - -<p>"Exactly, mac," the cop said. "I'm used to you smooth operators." He -reached in Marc's pocket and deftly removed a small packet of picture -postcards. "And these look exactly like the kind of pictures you'd be -sellin'."</p> - -<p>Marc gazed down dumbly at the postcards. "Those aren't mine!" he -gasped. "He must have planted them on me."</p> - -<p>"Yeah," the cop drawled, "I've heard that one before, too."</p> - -<p>"Now, officer," Marc said reasonably, "can you honestly think for one -minute...."</p> - -<p>"I honestly can, mac," the cop said heavily. "Now come along quietly." -He took Marc's arm in an iron grasp. "Be my guest."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Marc surveyed the cold grey boundaries of his cell and burped furiously.</p> - -<p>"Tell it to the judge," the guard said and, extracting the key from the -lock, ambled off down the passage.</p> - -<p>"I certainly shall!" Marc yelled after him. "This is the most flagrant -abuse of authority...." He gave it up and looked around at the -two-tiered bunk against the wall. He walked over to it and sat down -gingerly on the edge of the lower section and rested his chin in his -hand. Raking back an unruly shock of sandy hair he gazed down at the -floor with bewildered helplessness.</p> - -<p>It was astonishing how swiftly life could become a rotten apple. Only a -few minutes ago he had been a free and respected citizen on his way to -a day of honest work; now he was a jail bird held on a charge of moral -wrong-doing. The results could be disastrous, both to his business and -his marriage. Julie would not regard the affair lightly; after all the -pictures <i>had</i> been found on his person, no matter how they happened to -be there.</p> - -<p>Now, his desire to get to the country was twofold. His mind filled with -gloom, his gaze wandered across the floor and to the opposite wall. It -lingered for a moment at the lower area of the wall, then leaped upward -to a drawing which evidently was the handiwork of a previous inmate.</p> - -<p>Whoever the artist had been, his eye for the feminine form was both -exact and subtle. The girl of the drawing, though scantily clad, was, -unlike the nude photographs, in no way distasteful. She reclined in -space, one slender leg outstretched, a look of artful speculation in -her eyes. Her hand was at her hair, having caught its silken strands -between her tapering fingers.</p> - -<p>Marc's gaze held to the drawing with unaccountable fascination. It -wasn't just the excellence of the sketch that held him, but something -more. Staring fixedly at the girl on the wall, it came to him that -perhaps she reminded him of someone he knew. Then suddenly it came to -him in a flash.</p> - -<p>"Toffee!" he whispered.</p> - -<p>He withdrew his gaze hastily from the drawing, trying to force his -thoughts into other, less dangerous channels. At the moment, Toffee was -the last thing he wanted on his mind.</p> - -<p>The truth of the matter was that Toffee was a phenomenon to which Marc -would never completely adjust. The thought that, within the depths -of his own subconscious, there was a personality of such force and -completeness that she had assumed a will and strength all her own, -was simply too much for him. It would always upset Marc that his mere -awareness of Toffee was enough to project into reality a living, -breathing, hell-raising creature who was very much flesh and bone.</p> - -<p>It was also alarming that Toffee was so completely untouched by worldly -inhibitions. Not of this earthly realm, and therefore unaware of its -mores and social dogmas, the girl had an absolute genius for saying and -doing, in any given situation, the very thing most likely to curdle the -blood and curl the hair. Worse still, though, was her curious sense of -economy which caused her to regard her own physical perfection—her -flaming red hair, her vivid green eyes and her scandalously voluptuous -figure—as mere commodities that could not possibly be permitted to -languish. To her way of thinking, that these remarkable gifts should be -left unobserved, unadmired and unused was purely and shockingly sinful.</p> - -<p>Not by any stretch of the imagination was Toffee the proper subject -with which to concern one's thoughts in a jail cell. With a shudder, -Marc forced his attention to his immediate predicament and leaned back -in his bunk.</p> - -<p>The shock of his incarceration was beginning to wear off a bit now, and -with its passing it suddenly occurred to him that, as yet, he hadn't -even been permitted to call his lawyer. Righteous indignation surging -through him, and unmindful of the steel support immediately above his -head, he jumped up.</p> - -<p>The results were immediate and decisive. From Marc's point of view -there was merely a sudden surprising explosion of brilliant lights -inside his skull as his head struck the metal support, and the floor, -insanely, began to rise, embracingly, almost seductively, to meet him.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>In the next moment he was enfolded into a world of dark beauty where -illusive glimmerings in the distance gave off a curious sound that was -the tinkling of very small bells. For a moment he floated langorously, -then, taking bearings on a shimmering blue star, he glided forward. -Just as he drew close to it, however, it shattered into a million -glittering fragments and vanished.</p> - -<p>Then he fell.</p> - -<p>He landed on his back in a sprawl and, as he did so, the scene, like -a motion picture hastily projected on a screen, leaped, all at once, -into being. He glanced around at the mossy, gently-sloping hillside, -the grove of finely plumed trees and the playful blue mists trailing -lightly down the rise.</p> - -<p>Marc observed these surroundings without alarm. He knew at a glance -that he had retreated into the valley of his subconscious mind and, now -that he was there, he was just as glad. He ran his hand sensuously over -the soft greenness upon which he lay and turned his eyes heavenward to -the warmly glowing, yet sunless, sky. Then, folding his hands beneath -his head, he lay back and closed his eyes.</p> - -<p>A moment passed, then there was a quick stirring at his side. Two -slender fingers closed viciously over his left ear and twisted.</p> - -<p>"Stinker!" a voice hissed. "Redolent reptile!"</p> - -<p>Marc sat up abruptly. "Hey!" he yelled. Toffee's pert face was almost -nose to nose with his own. "Let go!"</p> - -<p>"If I do," Toffee threatened, "it will only be to grab something much -worse!"</p> - -<p>"Don't be vulgar," Marc said uneasily.</p> - -<p>She was kneeling beside him, her red hair cascading like inverted -flame on one beautifully-molded shoulder. Her green eyes were aglitter -with a lovely fury. As always, she was clothed only in the brief -emerald tunic which, because of its extreme transparency, did nothing -to hide her lithesome body, though it made up for this failure by -accentuating each softly-curved perfection to the utmost. On her feet -was a pair of gold sandals of some undetermined material.</p> - -<p>"I should twist your faithless head off," she said. "In fact I've been -keeping some plasma on ice just in case I decide to murder you in cold -blood."</p> - -<p>"This is hardly the greeting I expected," Marc said, nursing his ear.</p> - -<p>"Of course not," Toffee said. "You expected me to fawn on you. You -wanted me to chuck you under the chin and stroke your brow. Well, if I -ever do, it will probably be with a ball bat."</p> - -<p>"I'm darned if I see what you're so sore about," Marc said injuredly.</p> - -<p>"You don't?" Toffee said. "I should be content, I suppose, just because -you're here! Well, I'm not. I saw what you were thinking about me a -while ago."</p> - -<p>"What I was thinking?"</p> - -<p>"Good old Toffee!" Toffee sighed. "Keep her repressed. Let her -languish. Let her rot. Who cares that this is the first day of spring -and everyone else is enjoying it?" She traced the curve of his jaw -fatefully with her finger. "I ought to bust you one."</p> - -<p>"But I was having so much trouble...." Marc protested weakly.</p> - -<p>"Trouble!" Toffee said. "You just <i>thought</i> you had trouble."</p> - -<p>Marc met her insinuating gaze with a sense of inner trembling. "What do -you mean by that?" he asked.</p> - -<p>"Guess," Toffee said. "Just guess."</p> - -<p>"You wouldn't materialize, would you? You wouldn't...."</p> - -<p>"Give the man a cigar, a baby doll and a kick in the pants," Toffee -said lightly. "You got it right on the first try."</p> - -<p>Marc paled. "But you can't!" he said. "Not now!"</p> - -<p>"Can't I?"</p> - -<p>"But you mustn't!"</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Toffee lowered herself sinuously to his side and leaned close to him. -She observed him amusedly through langorously lowered lids. "You're -going to see a lot of me, lover," she crooned, "in more ways than one. -If you want a word of sound advice, just relax and enjoy it. That way, -you won't get quite so messed up."</p> - -<p>"Now, don't ..." Marc said thinly. "This is no time for nonsense!"</p> - -<p>"This is precisely the time for nonsense," Toffee said, slipping a -cool, slim arm determinedly around his neck.</p> - -<p>"Don't start anything!" Marc cried, trying without success to -disentangle himself. "Let go of me, you thinly-draped hussy."</p> - -<p>"I only wonder why I'm so good to you," Toffee sighed. "I suppose it's -because you may not live much longer—if you don't behave yourself."</p> - -<p>"You're not good to me!" Marc said desperately. "You're awful! You're -worse than...."</p> - -<p>Whatever Toffee was worse than never came to light, for Marc's words -were smothered beneath a warm, lingering kiss that went beyond words. A -moment passed before she released him.</p> - -<p>"There," Toffee said. "Now it doesn't matter if you survive; your life -has been rich and full."</p> - -<p>"Now, see here, you," Marc said forcefully. "If you're thinking I'm -going to lounge around with you...."</p> - -<p>"I'm only wondering if you're strong enough," Toffee said.</p> - -<p>"Stop saying things like that!" Marc said, holding his voice steady -with an effort. "I'm not exaggerating when I say that you absolutely -must not materialize—not even a finger!"</p> - -<p>"Oh, never just a finger!" Toffee said with false alarm. "I intend to -go much farther than that."</p> - -<p>"Evidently," Marc said. "But you must realize...."</p> - -<p>He stopped, for suddenly the valley had begun to blur, strangely, as -though it were seen through a panel of water-washed glass. Even as the -words died in his throat, a heavy greyness dripped through the sky, -dulling its radiance. On the horizon, the odd, feathery trees seemed -to melt and merge, and the grass upon which they were sitting became a -wavering sea of misty green.</p> - -<p>"Oh, my gosh!" Marc gasped. He turned to Toffee, his eyes filled with -alarm. "Now, you've got to take me seriously...."</p> - -<p>"Oh, I will!" Toffee said happily, locking her arms around his neck. -"I'm going to be positively grim about you!"</p> - -<p>"No!" Marc cried. "Let go of me!" The darkness was coming rapidly now, -and the last traces of the sky were nearly gone. "Let go!"</p> - -<p>"If I feel myself slipping," Toffee said breathlessly, "I'll just hook -my fingers in your ears." She drew her lips close to his ear. "Lover," -she murmured, "I'm going to stick to you like a barnacle on a boat. -You'll never scrape me off!"</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Marc stirred. He inched his hand forward tentatively over the cold -relentless surface of the floor and opened his eyes. For a moment he -couldn't think where he was, then the dull grey walls and the barred-in -opening that looked out on the passage brought it all back to him. He -raised himself to his knees and crawled forward. He grasped the bars -and dragged himself partially upright. Then he froze, staring fixedly -ahead.</p> - -<p>At first it seemed only that his sight had dulled. Then slowly, out in -the passage, the haziness before him began to take form, languidly, -easily, gathering itself into a dismaying solidity. A bit at a time, -Toffee, working from the toes up, appeared in all her vivid aliveness -on the other side of the bars. Standing there against the background of -iron greyness, she seemed even more outrageously alive and lovely than -she had in his subconscious mind. And also more naked. She turned to -Marc and regarded him quizzically.</p> - -<p>"Oh, no!" Marc wailed. "No, no! You can't be here!"</p> - -<p>"But I am," Toffee said brightly. She studied the bars between them -with an air of bafflement. "What are you doing in that cage? Why don't -you come out?"</p> - -<p>"I can't come out," Marc said. "This is a jail. I'm locked in."</p> - -<p>"And I'm locked out," Toffee observed without favor. "We'll never get -anywhere that way. Where do I go to get the key?"</p> - -<p>"You can't get the key," Marc said. "The jailer—or somebody—has -it—out there." He made a vague gesture toward the iron door at the end -of the passage.</p> - -<p>"Then, I'll go ask him for it," Toffee said blandly and started away.</p> - -<p>"No!" Marc yelled. "Don't go out there! Not like that!" He pressed -urgently against the bars. "Come back here!"</p> - -<p>Perhaps it was the effort or maybe it was the awful thought of Toffee -loose in the jail, but suddenly it was all too much for him. Marc's -knees buckled and he slid toward the floor. Slowly he crumpled and -sprawled backwards. With an anguished murmur he passed out.</p> - -<p>At the end of the passage, reaching for the door, Toffee quickly faded -and vanished into thin air.</p> - -<p>It was only three minutes later when Sergeant Feeney, absorbed in a -copy of Shocking Stories, looked up apprehensively over the edge of the -magazine and turned a ghastly white. If he had not been mistaken—and -he certainly had not—there was an odd sort of fuzziness in the air -just beyond his feet at the other side of the desk. As he watched this -clouded bit of atmosphere, it alarmingly solidified, a bit at a time, -and became a strikingly beautiful redhead, clothed merely in what -appeared to be a pair of translucent kitchen curtains. The sergeant -gulped, and the magazine, which was already trembling like a leaf in a -wind storm, dropped from his nerveless hand.</p> - -<p>"Here, now!" Sergeant Feeney gulped. "What do you think you are up to, -you?"</p> - -<p>As soon as he had spoken, the sergeant was overwhelmed with a sense of -his own utter foolishness; the girl was obviously nothing more than a -trick of imagination and everyone knew that such things, no matter how -industriously one might question them, could not answer back.</p> - -<p>"I'm looking for the key," Toffee replied amiably. "Marc fainted, but -I guess he's better now, or I wouldn't be here, would I? I have to go -away when he's asleep but when he wakes up I come right back again."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The sergeant jumped to his feet, upsetting his chair with a deafening -clatter. "Here, now!" he yelled. "Stop that!"</p> - -<p>"Stop what?" Toffee asked innocently.</p> - -<p>"Stop talking to me, now!" Sergeant Feeney gasped. "I'm a sober upright -minion of the law, and it's not right that the likes of you should come -jabberin' around so's I can hear it."</p> - -<p>"Well, I don't see why not," Toffee said bewilderedly. "How am I going -to get the key, if I don't ask you for it?"</p> - -<p>"There you go again!" the sergeant wailed. Trembling in every fiber of -his great hulking being, he turned away from her. "If you don't stop -it, now," he said, "I'm going to close my eyes, and then you won't be -there."</p> - -<p>"But I have to have the key," Toffee protested.</p> - -<p>"That does it!" the sergeant said woundedly. He closed his eyes so -tightly they might never have existed. "There, now!"</p> - -<p>"Where?" Toffee said.</p> - -<p>The sergeant visibly flinched. "Where what?" he asked faintly.</p> - -<p>"Where's the key?"</p> - -<p>"What key, for heaven's sake?"</p> - -<p>"The key to the cages, of course. Where is it?"</p> - -<p>The sergeant sighed. Then he straightened, and when he spoke again -there was an edge of craftiness to his voice. "If I point out the key -to you, will you take it and go away?"</p> - -<p>"Instantly," Toffee agreed.</p> - -<p>Promptly the sergeant pointed to the wall where the key hung on a metal -hook. "Help yourself," he said grandly. "And a pleasant journey to you."</p> - -<p>"Thank you very much," Toffee said. "For so complete an imbecile, -you've been most cooperative." Moving to the hook, she removed the key, -and swinging it lightly on her finger, left the room.</p> - -<p>The sergeant waited until he heard the door close, then opened his -eyes. Looking about, he began to chuckle to himself.</p> - -<p>"Now, isn't it a wonder how easy you can outsmart a hallucination?" he -said to himself. "She's gone away happy as a lark, and anybody knows a -mere thing out of the thin air could never steal a key."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Only five minutes later Marc and Toffee descended the steps of the jail -and paused for a moment in the sun. Marc, still a little woozy in the -head, waited for his thoughts to clear.</p> - -<p>"Are you sure he gave you that key?" he asked.</p> - -<p>"He fairly begged me to take it," Toffee said. She glanced around -happily at the bright spring day. "What wonderful weather," she said. -"It makes you want to buy things, doesn't it, scandalous things that -hold you in just enough so that you can go all out. If you know what I -mean."</p> - -<p>Marc glanced down at her brief costume. In the morning sun it seemed -almost non-existent. Quickly he took off his coat and held it out to -her. "Here!" he said imperatively, "put this on!"</p> - -<p>"On one condition," Toffee said. "I want a new dress. I'm through -hinting about it."</p> - -<p>"And you shall have one," Marc agreed. "No one ever needed one more -acutely."</p> - -<p>With mild regret Toffee put the coat on. In it, she looked rather -like a shapely scarecrow whose lack of hands had been more than amply -compensated for by a pair of stunningly formed legs. This settled, -Marc shook his head, just to get the remaining cobwebs out, and looked -around.</p> - -<p>"Are you sure this is all right," he asked, "my leaving like this?"</p> - -<p>"The man gave me the key, didn't he?" Toffee said.</p> - -<p>"I don't know," Marc said doubtfully. "I can't think quite clearly, but -somehow it doesn't seem quite regular."</p> - -<p>"Regularity is so dull," Toffee said, "in spite of what all those -cereal manufacturers say."</p> - -<p>Shrugging, Marc followed along as she started off down the street. A -passing delivery boy, catching sight of the briefly-draped redhead, -paused to whistle. Toffee waved at him happily and whistled back.</p> - -<p>"Don't do that!" Marc said. "Stop attracting attention to yourself!"</p> - -<p>Toffee grinned up at him. "It's myself that attracts attention to me," -she said. "You made me that way and I must say I dearly love you for -it." Glancing down the street, her gaze stopped at a tall department -store building which was fronted by long, gleaming show windows. She -pointed to it eagerly. "That looks wonderfully extravagant," she said. -"Let's go charge things to your account."</p> - -<p>As they approached the store, Marc's step became firmer, his head -unclouded. He stopped just outside the entrance with an abrupt burp.</p> - -<p>"I just remembered," he said. "I've got to get out to the country -house. I.... What am I going to do with you, though?"</p> - -<p>"You're going to buy me a ridiculous dress at a ridiculous price," -Toffee said. "We'll worry about Julie and her shabby amours with that -lecherous paint-dauber later."</p> - -<p>"How did you know about that?" Marc asked.</p> - -<p>"From sitting around in that arid mind of yours," Toffee said. -"Sometimes I tune in on what's going on just out of sheer boredom."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Meanwhile, within the jail, a moiling drama of considerable scope was -swiftly reaching a head. Sergeant Feeney had discovered, with much -goggling of the eyes, that hallucinations not only could steal keys, -but had. With a thrill of horror he called in the members of the force -on duty, six in all, and instituted an inspection of the cells. In due -time, it was noted that the jail's prize prisoner had flown the coop.</p> - -<p>"Mary, mother of triplets!" Sergeant Feeney shrieked. "We gotta get -that bird back in his cage before the chief hears of this!"</p> - -<p>"He couldn't have gotten too far away, sergeant," one of the city's -hearties observed moodily. "We better scour the streets, I think."</p> - -<p>"That's it!" Sergeant Feeney rasped, rushing blindly toward the -hallway. "Scour the streets men! Everybody scour! Follow me!"</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Thus it was that Marc and Toffee, standing before the entrance to the -store, glanced casually back along the street just in time to witness -a disquieting eruption of blue-clad figures from the doorway of the -jail. So astonishing was the sight that they stood for a moment too -long watching it; Sergeant Feeney, catching sight of them, pointed an -excited finger in their direction.</p> - -<p>"There they are!" he roared. "After them, men!"</p> - -<p>"The bloodhounds!" Toffee yelled. Taking Marc's arm, she dragged him -forcibly through the entrance and inside the store. Counters laden with -colorful spring merchandise stretched before them in what seemed like -endless rows. A floor manager observed them curiously, and then moved -away.</p> - -<p>"Come on!" Toffee said.</p> - -<p>"You're insane!" Marc said. By now Toffee had led him to the stairs. -"We can't be bothered with dresses at a time like this."</p> - -<p>"I'm going to have a spring dress," Toffee said determinedly. "No -matter what!"</p> - -<p>A dark browed lady, upon overhearing this snatch of dialogue, -observed the ascending pair with brooding thoughtfulness. She turned -triumphantly to the pallid, grey-suited individual at her side, on whom -had befallen the misfortune of becoming her husband.</p> - -<p>"There!" she said, pointing up the stairs to Toffee's flashing legs. -"That's exactly what I'm going to do next time I tell you I haven't -anything to wear and you ignore me. I'm going to strip down to the skin -and shame you in public. Then we'll see!"</p> - -<p>"Then, everyone will see," the man observed gloomily. "There will -probably be fainting in the streets."</p> - -<p>At this juncture, as Marc and Toffee disappeared up the stairs, there -was a blast at the entrance of the store, announcing that Sergeant -Feeney, his redoubtable six and his whistle had arrived and the -situation was slipping rapidly out of hand.</p> - -<p>"Everyone stay where you are!" the good sergeant bellowed, charging -about frenziedly. "Everyone keep calm!" And so saying he dashed -headlong into a small grey-haired lady and knocked her forthwith to the -floor.</p> - -<p>Displaying an agility not to be looked for in so old a party, the -sergeant's victim leaped to her feet and snatched up her parasol.</p> - -<p>"Fool!" she snapped. "Idiot!"</p> - -<p>"Stop hopping about!" the sergeant yelled, sitting up. "Everybody stay -still!"</p> - -<p>"How can I stay still when you keep knocking me down?" the little woman -demanded hotly. She rapped the sergeant smartly across the bridge of -the nose to emphasize her point. "Lummox!"</p> - -<p>The sergeant grabbed at his nose and observed the lady with deep-seated -hostility. "Lady," he said, "you're tamperin' with the law, you are!"</p> - -<p>"You've tampered with worse than that!" the little lady retorted. "If I -were a little younger I'd have you for mashing!"</p> - -<p>Meanwhile, Marc and Toffee, taking the stairs two at a time, had -reached the third floor where, in a dim cavern of soft lights and muted -music, the Parisian styles were being displayed, as they should be, on -lovely living models. Marc turned to Toffee and burped impatiently.</p> - -<p>"If you're determined to do this," he said, "be quick about it." He -burped again. "The law is practically breathing down our necks!"</p> - -<p>"Why do you keep making that revolting noise?" Toffee asked -interestedly. "It sounds like hogs rooting in the mire."</p> - -<p>Marc winced at her indelicacy. "I can't help it," he said. "When I'm -upset it affects my stomach."</p> - -<p>"Then do something about it," Toffee commanded airily and drifted away.</p> - -<p>Marc started to protest that there was very little he could do about -it as long as she kept him upset, when he remembered the bottle the -druggist had given him and took it from his pocket. Removing the cap, -he took a deep, hurried draft. This done, he screwed the cap back on -and replaced the bottle in his pocket.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>He completed this maneuver just in time, for no sooner did the syrup -hit his gullet than he issued an explosive cough and staggered forward -as though he had received a healthy blow from and to the rear. The -liquid burned inside him like liquid fire.</p> - -<p>Gasping, he beat his chest for relief and steadied himself against the -wall with a trembling hand. The dizziness that he had only just gotten -rid of, returned. He closed his eyes in the hope that it would pass.</p> - -<p>His eyes were still closed when the scream issued piercingly from -across the room. Opening them, he glanced across to where the models -appeared and almost wished he hadn't bothered. It was too insane.</p> - -<p>Toffee had evidently found the dress she wanted, an ethereal affair -consisting of a couple of scraps of filmy stuff arranged to make its -wearer look like nothing so much as a gift-wrapped Diana out for -the kill. As Parisian dresses went, Marc supposed that this flimsy -confection was only a little bit worse than most, but it had one -glaring flaw which almost anyone—anyone, that is, but Toffee—would -have noticed at a glance; the dress was still on the model. Toffee, -however, was not deterred, not even by the girl's desperate screams. -She was industriously disrobing the poor creature before the startled -eyes of the other customers.</p> - -<p>Marc, forgetting his dizziness, shoved himself away from the wall and -ran forward. "Stop!" he yelled. "You can't do that!"</p> - -<p>Toffee cast him a fleeting glance over her shoulder, but did not stop -her frantic efforts with the illusive dress and the struggling model.</p> - -<p>"It's difficult all right," she shot back, "but I think I can manage."</p> - -<p>"Madam, please!" the model shrieked, her air of aloof stateliness -demolished. "Oh, <i>please</i>!"</p> - -<p>From a curtained doorway, a small dark woman, the manageress of the -department, looked out and emitted a thin cry of disbelief. The model, -now stripped to the waist, was hugging herself in a paroxysm of horror. -Throwing back the curtains, the manageress ran forward.</p> - -<p>"Madam!" she cried. "Madam! You really mustn't!" She hastened to -Toffee's side and tried to pull her away from the terrified girl. "If -you like the dress, please step back to the fitting room."</p> - -<p>"Step back to the fitting room yourself!" Toffee snapped. "And don't -call me madam!"</p> - -<p>"But the model...."</p> - -<p>"She'll have to take her chances," Toffee gritted determinedly. "I need -this dress worse than she does." The skirt came free in her hand, -revealing the model in nothing more than a pair of very sheer panties.</p> - -<p>"Oh, madam!" the girl wailed.</p> - -<p>"Well, don't just stand there, exposing yourself!" the manageress -cried. "Grab something and put it on!"</p> - -<p>Gazing about frantically, the girl's eyes shot to the next model who -had been displaying a negligee when all the trouble started. Reaching -out, she deftly grabbed the zipper and yanked. The garment relinquished -its hold and slithered to the floor in a vaporous cloud. The first -model snatched it up and hurriedly put it on. The second model, finding -herself revealed in the flesh, announced her shock in a shrill scream -and made a wild grab for the mink coat that lay in the lap of a nearby -customer. The customer, however, was too quick for her. Despite her -over-padded figure, she shot out of her chair on the run.</p> - -<p>"No you don't!" she screamed, "not after all I went through to get -this!"</p> - -<p>"Come back here!" the model yelled determinedly and took out in hot -pursuit.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>As bedlam became the general order of the day in the salon, Sergeant -Feeney and his crew charged heroically up the stairway, announcing -their arrival with a shrill blast from the sergeant's whistle. At the -sight of the scrambling customers and models, the men in blue jolted to -a flat-footed halt.</p> - -<p>"Lord in heaven!" the sergeant gasped, removing the whistle from -his lips. The fur-bearing customer and denuded model shot past him, -collided with a plaster manniquin and tumbled to the floor in a frantic -tangle of arms, legs and mink. The sergeant flushed furiously and -turned back to his followers. "Scour lightly here, men," he said. "We -don't want nobody bruised."</p> - -<p>Taking advantage of the sergeant's momentary dismay, Marc shoved a bill -into the hand of the screaming manageress, grabbed Toffee, who had now -struggled into the dress, and, flanking the befuddled law, led her -quickly to the stairs.</p> - -<p>"Hurry!" he said. "And be quiet."</p> - -<p>"You're under arrest!" the sergeant roared behind them. "Everybody's -under arrest—probably!"</p> - -<p>In record time, Marc and Toffee gained the level of the second floor -and kept on running. As they ran, Toffee returned Marc's coat and he -slipped it on.</p> - -<p>The pain from the gas medicine had departed now, and Marc was feeling -better. In fact, now that he stopped to think about it, he was feeling -so much better he was actually beginning to enjoy himself. Striding -forward, counters, customers and gaping clerks fading rapidly into the -background, he even found time to admire Toffee's new finery.</p> - -<p>"That's probably the briefest dress known to man," he remarked amiably.</p> - -<p>"I hope it shall be well-known to man," Toffee returned happily. "One -man in particular. At least I shall endeavor to make it count for the -most."</p> - -<p>"Or the least," Marc said.</p> - -<p>Arms and legs flashing, they quitted the china department and, -according to the signs, entered Sportswear on the left and Imported -Liquors on the right. Thinking this a curious arrangement of -merchandise, Marc turned to Toffee. He started to speak, then jolted to -a halt with a thin wheeze of astonishment. Toffee stopped and turned -back.</p> - -<p>"What's the matter?" she asked. "What are you gaping at?"</p> - -<p>Marc could hardly believe his eyes. He had turned to Toffee only to -observe one of the most astonishing and upsetting things he had ever -witnessed. Before his very gaze, her new dress was slowly dissolving -into nothing. Already, the skirt had melted away to her thighs.</p> - -<p>"Holy smoke!" Marc gasped. Then, feeling that affairs were rapidly -going too far, he looked quickly away. He fixed his eyes firmly on a -female manniquin costumed for tennis.</p> - -<p>"What's the matter with you?" Toffee demanded.</p> - -<p>"Your dress ..." Marc said weakly.</p> - -<p>"My dress?" Toffee said. "What's the matter with my dress? I thought -you liked it."</p> - -<p>Marc opened his mouth to answer, but the words refused to come; -suddenly he was confronted by still another cause for alarm. The -phenomenon that had so mysteriously struck Toffee had now transferred -itself to the manniquin. As he stared at it, the clothes began to fade -from its plaster torso with unbelievable rapidity.</p> - -<p>"Good heavens!" Marc rasped. "Look at that!"</p> - -<p>"Look at what?" Toffee said, staring at the manniquin. "What are you -carrying on so about?"</p> - -<p>Marc took a breath. "Don't you see anything funny about that dummy?"</p> - -<p>Toffee observed the dummy more closely. "Very dull," she said. "No sex -appeal. Maybe it's those shorts she's wearing."</p> - -<p>"Shorts?" Marc said. "You mean you can still see shorts—and things?"</p> - -<p>"What are you babbling about?" Toffee said hopelessly. "What's wrong -with that dummy, anyway?"</p> - -<p>Marc stared at the manniquin wonderingly. "Good Lord!" he breathed, -"I've developed X-ray eyes! As far as I'm concerned that dummy's as -naked as a plucked chicken."</p> - -<p>"But that's impossible!" Toffee said.</p> - -<p>"Yes," Marc said, "but it's true. To me, that dummy is sheer unadorned -plaster and nothing else. This is awful!"</p> - -<p>"Maybe it will wear off," Toffee said uneasily.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Just then a bejewelled matron appeared at the end of the aisle. -Inadvertently Marc glanced in her direction, then shudderingly looked -away again; the woman's dress had melted away and she had been left -strolling amongst the counters in only her girdle. Marc lowered his -head and waited for her to pass.</p> - -<p>"This is shocking!" he groaned. "I can't go around like this, seeing -everyone without their clothes! It's indecent!"</p> - -<p>"But how did it happen?" Toffee asked. "If we knew what caused it, -maybe we could do something about it."</p> - -<p>There was not time for Marc to answer this, for right on cue, with a -blast from his whistle, Sergeant Feeney and his underlings swarmed at -the head of the aisle.</p> - -<p>"Duck!" Toffee hissed and, crouching down, vanished swiftly into the -inner reaches of Imported Liquors.</p> - -<p>Marc, followed this example, dropped to his hands and knees and -scrambled behind the nearest counter in Sportswear. The official -scufflings at the entrance grew louder.</p> - -<p>"Spread out, men!" Sergeant Feeney thundered. "Check everybody!"</p> - -<p>Behind the counter Marc settled back against the merchandise drawers. -Then he jumped as a feminine voice sounded close beside him.</p> - -<p>"May I help you, sir?" the voice inquired.</p> - -<p>Marc, without thinking, looked around. A large, brassy blonde with -circles under her eyes had hunkered down beside him. She smiled broadly -at his glance.</p> - -<p>"It's nice to get down here away from the noise and confusion, isn't -it, sir?" she said throatily. "The customer is always right in this -store—especially as far as I'm concerned."</p> - -<p>As she spoke, the upper half of her dress slowly disappeared, -revealing the most remarkably full net brassiere. Coloring prettily, -Marc hastily snapped his eyes shut.</p> - -<p>"Leave me alone!" he said in tones of anguish. "Please go away!"</p> - -<p>"Go away?" the blonde said woundedly. "But I thought.... Three men have -pinched me already today and, the way you crept in here, I thought -maybe you were the more earnest type."</p> - -<p>"I'm quite earnest," Marc said soberly. "In fact...."</p> - -<p>"Goody," the girl said. She snuggled down beside him. "Now, what do we -do?"</p> - -<p>"I don't know what to do," Marc said miserably, "that's just it!"</p> - -<p>"You don't?" the girl said unbelievingly. "You certainly don't expect -me to tell you, do you?"</p> - -<p>"How could you?" Marc asked reasonably.</p> - -<p>"Well, I could, I guess, if I wasn't a lady," the girl said with a -touch of pique. "Why are you squinting at me like that."</p> - -<p>"The light hurts my eyes," Marc said briefly. "Really, I think you -ought to go away."</p> - -<p>The girl sighed deflatedly. "I guess I might as well," she said. -"You're too ignorant and I'm too refined. I must say, though," she -added wistfully, "for a minute there I expected great things." She -started to move away.</p> - -<p>"Just a minute!" Marc said quickly.</p> - -<p>The girl fairly whirled around again. "Yes?" she said. "Have you -thought of something?"</p> - -<p>"Yes," Marc said. "Since this is the sportswear department, I assume -you have dark glasses?"</p> - -<p>The girl sighed again. "There are some around somewhere," she said.</p> - -<p>"Well, find me some," Marc said, "only make them darker—dark enough -that I won't be able to see through them at all. Paste cardboard inside -them or something."</p> - -<p>The girl looked at him quizzically, then shrugged. "Okay," she said. "I -know when I'm licked."</p> - -<p>"And hurry," Marc urged. "There's no time to lose."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The blonde departed, and Marc's attention was taken by a hurried -scuffling in the aisle. He opened his eyes and cautiously peered out. -A series of blue-clad legs, that, even as he watched them, turned bare -and hairy, raced by. When they had passed, Marc leaned back again and -gave himself over to a moment of quiet and confused contemplation.</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="figcenter"> - <img src="images/illus2.jpg" alt=""/> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p>He tried hard to find some clue to the cause of his extraordinary eye -affliction, but arrived at nothing definite. There was a rustling at -his side and he turned to find that the blonde had rejoined him. He -closed his eyes again as the net brassiere, for a second time, began to -appear from beneath the fading fabric of her dress.</p> - -<p>"Here are the glasses," the blonde said coldly. "I put tape on the -inside of the lenses." Marc held out his hand and she gave them to him. -"Your eyes certainly must be sensitive."</p> - -<p>"You'll never know," Marc said gloomily and slipped the glasses on.</p> - -<p>"Can you see anything at all?" the blonde asked inquisitively.</p> - -<p>"Not a thing," Marc said. "It's a great relief."</p> - -<p>"Mister," the blonde said flatly, "I guess I just don't understand you."</p> - -<p>There was the sound of stealthy approach from the direction of -the aisle, and Marc quickly lowered the glasses to observe Toffee -approaching on tip-toe. She was carrying a bottle of champagne under -each arm and she looked enormously pleased.</p> - -<p>"I think they've gone," she said. Then, seeing the blonde, suspicion -flickered in her eyes. "Leave it to you; all I have to do is turn my -back and you're snuggled up with some big blonde."</p> - -<p>"I'm not snuggled up," Marc said. "I've been making a purchase."</p> - -<p>"Of what?" Toffee said sharply.</p> - -<p>"These glasses," Marc said. "The young lady was good enough to fix them -so you can't see through them."</p> - -<p>"Just glasses," the blonde murmured regretfully. "And that's all." She -made a small sound of disillusionment. "And I thought this was going to -be my lucky day, too."</p> - -<p>"It is," Toffee said. "If anything had passed between you two besides -a pair of glasses, you'd be wearing your neck off the shoulder this -season."</p> - -<p>"Where did you get the champagne?" Marc broke in. "Or is that a subject -too delicate to discuss?"</p> - -<p>"Almost," Toffee said grandly. "I ran into a salesman in Imported -Liquors with foreign ideas. We indulged in a bit of hand-wrestling -amongst the East Indian wines, and he lost. He's resting quietly now, -however." She held out one of the bottles of champagne. "I used this -to defend myself." She shoved the bottle into Marc's hand. "Let's get -slightly damp."</p> - -<p>Meanwhile the blonde had begun to edge away.</p> - -<p>"Leaving?" Marc asked pleasantly.</p> - -<p>"I'm going over to Imported Liquors," the blonde said.</p> - -<p>She departed, and Marc extracted the cork from the bottle with a -fruity pop and handed it back to Toffee.</p> - -<p>"A pause for refreshment," he said, "and then we've got to do something -about my eyesight. Did you say the cops have gone?"</p> - -<p>"The last I saw of them," Toffee said, "they were lumpering through -ladies' lingerie, headed for silverware and china." She paused for a -deep drink from the bottle. "With the head of steam they had worked up -they should be far beyond the horizon by now."</p> - -<p>"Good," Marc said. He received the bottle from Toffee and drank -thirstily. "Cops have a positive talent for being disagreeable."</p> - -<p>"A bad lot," Toffee nodded. "They tend to weigh on the spirit. And -speaking of spirits don't keep sucking at that bottle all day. Save -some for me."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Twenty minutes later, one bottle depleted, the other tucked -protectively beneath Toffee's arm, the two emerged unsteadily from -behind the counter and started on an uneven course down the aisle.</p> - -<p>"You'll have to lead me," Marc said thickly. "I can't see a thing."</p> - -<p>Toffee took his hand. "Blind as a drunken bat," she giggled.</p> - -<p>"You will probably lead me astray," Marc said happily.</p> - -<p>"I shall do my best," Toffee said. "Luckily, I'm familiar with the -route."</p> - -<p>Marc held back for a moment. "I've just figured it out," he said. "It -was that burp medicine that affected my eyes. We've got to go look up -that druggist."</p> - -<p>"All right," Toffee said. "But if I had X-ray eyes I would be content -to stand on street corners and whistle."</p> - -<p>This concluded, they tottered on to the end of the aisle and down the -stairs.</p> - -<p>"Going astray!" Marc sang vaporishly. "Going astray! I'm jus' going -astray!"</p> - -<p>With a wild lurch the two fugitives precariously left the stairs and -emerged onto the first floor. As they started unsteadily down the aisle -a veiled and voluminous lady in black turned from her examination of -a silk blouse and observed their progress with smiling approval. She -turned benignly to the sales girl who was serving her.</p> - -<p>"Isn't that sweet?" she murmured. "Imagine a stunning girl like that -sacrificing a day to take her poor old blind father shopping."</p> - -<p>Toffee and Marc proceeded in a more or less orderly fashion to the -doorway, leaving the good Sergeant to ransack a store now empty of its -quarry.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Five minutes later and three blocks removed from the department -store, the two law-evaders paused to reconnoitre. Or at least Toffee -reconnoitred while Marc, still sightless behind his glasses, awaited -directions. He held out his hand in readiness, waiting to be led. At -his side, Toffee momentarily broke her mood of concentration.</p> - -<p>"As I see it," she said, "our next move is to flee the city."</p> - -<p>"But what about the druggist?" Marc said. "I've got to find out about -my eyes." He stopped as he became aware of a nervous tugging at his -sleeve.</p> - -<p>"Hey, man," a voice said, "I've been lookin' for you everywheres."</p> - -<p>Marc hastily lowered his glasses. He glanced down to find a familiar -shifty-eyed, weasel-like face peering up at him.</p> - -<p>"You!" he said.</p> - -<p>"Yeah, man," the diminutive peddler of lewd pictures grinned. "You -still got the cool stuff, huh?"</p> - -<p>"The cool stuff?" Marc said with sudden stiffness. "If you mean that -collection of disgusting pictures, no I haven't got them. At the -moment, I believe they're listed as Exhibit A in the case of The People -against Marcus G. Pillsworth."</p> - -<p>"Man!" the little man wailed. "You mean somebody goofed and the cops -got 'em?"</p> - -<p>"Precisely," Marc said frigidly.</p> - -<p>"Who's this Pillsworth cube?"</p> - -<p>Marc drew himself up into a living tower of glowering hauteur. "I am -Marcus G. Pillsworth," he said nastily.</p> - -<p>"You!" the little man said. "You got hooked with the goods?"</p> - -<p>"I got hooked," Marc said flatly, "with the goods just where you -planted it on me."</p> - -<p>"Jeez!" the little man cried despairingly. "You just can't rely on -nobody no more." He chewed his lip for a moment, then looked up at Marc -anxiously. "What about the French Elixir? Did the bulls heist that, -too?"</p> - -<p>"French Elixir?" Marc said. "I don't know anything about your French -Elixir."</p> - -<p>"The hell you don't, man," the little man said. "I faded it into your -coat pocket. Did they find it?"</p> - -<p>Marc paused. A chill of apprehension skittered up his spine. "Into my -coat pocket," he said. "A small brown bottle?"</p> - -<p>"It wasn't a big blue jug," the little man said impatiently. "You still -got it?"</p> - -<p>Marc reached into his pocket and pulled out, first one brown bottle, -then another. They were almost identical except that the liquid in the -one marked 'French Elixir' had been depleted by approximately one -fourth.</p> - -<p>"Good night!" Marc yelled. "I drank the wrong stuff!"</p> - -<p>"You drank the Elixir!" the little man said. He snatched the bottle -from Marc's hand. "You <i>drank</i> it?"</p> - -<p>"I said I drank it," Marc said distractedly.</p> - -<p>"Then, you owe me twenty bucks, man. That bottle of genuine, -hard-to-get French Elixir sells for fifty, sixty dollars." He held out -his hand. "Pad my palm, friend."</p> - -<p>"I certainly will not pad your palm," Marc said indignantly. "Do you -know what that stuff's done to me?"</p> - -<p>"Huh?" The little man paused reflectively. "How should I know what -it done," he said. "They say all sorts of stuff could happen to you, -according to how you're repressed." He regarded Marc interestedly. -"What happened?"</p> - -<p>"I've got X-ray eyes!" Marc said dramatically. "That's what happened."</p> - -<p>The little man looked at him skeptically. "What's X-ray eyes?"</p> - -<p>"When I look at people," Marc said, "I see right through their clothes. -If I didn't have these glasses on everyone on this street would be -stark naked."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The little man made a thin whistling sound, then began to chuckle. -"Lord, man," he laughed, "you ain't got X-ray eyes, you just got a -dirty mind!"</p> - -<p>"What!" Marc said.</p> - -<p>"That's all!" the little man said. "It was all explained to me. The -stuff works different on different people. It lets out what you've been -pluggin' up inside. Oh, man," he chortled, "and you gave me the freeze -for showin' you those French postcards!"</p> - -<p>"I do not have a dirty mind," Marc said, "and even if I did, it would -hardly be any business of yours. The point is that this awful elixir of -yours has made a mess of things."</p> - -<p>"At least," Toffee put in, "it's given us a devil of a handicap."</p> - -<p>The little man looked at Toffee directly for the first time and -obviously was struck by what he saw. "Who's the cool chunk of stuff?" -he asked. He moved in close to Toffee and put a hand casually on her -shoulder. "Just call me Hotstuff Harold, honey," he murmured. "That's -how I'm referred to by all my intimate friends."</p> - -<p>"If you don't keep your grimy little paws to yourself," Toffee said -evenly, "they'll soon be referring to you as 'the deceased.'"</p> - -<p>"It's nice that you two are acquainted," Marc said sourly, "but that -still doesn't solve my problem." Peering over the top of his glasses, -he fixed Hotstuff Harold with a beady eye. "How do I get rid of the -effects of this awful elixir of yours?"</p> - -<p>"As far as I know," Hotstuff said, "all you can do is wait for it to -wear off."</p> - -<p>"And how long will that take?"</p> - -<p>"Who knows?" Hotstuff shrugged. "I ain't never messed with the stuff. -Maybe I been repressin' a better nature and it would come out and ruin -my life's work."</p> - -<p>"I doubt it," Marc said. "But there must be something I can do about -this."</p> - -<p>"If I was you, man, I'd go sit in a Marilyn Monroe picture until they -kicked me out." Hotstuff put his hand to Marc's sleeve. "You still owe -me some bucks, boy. Twenty for the pictures and twenty more for the -shot of elixir."</p> - -<p>"Now, look here," Marc said sternly, "if you think...."</p> - -<p>He stopped, for Hotstuff, a businessman of some agility, already had -Marc's wallet in his hand and was counting out the money. Marc snatched -it back from him.</p> - -<p>"Here, now!" he said.</p> - -<p>Harold grinned modestly. "Mother taught me how to take up public -collections while I was still in rompers. They say I was the cutest -little dip that ever worked the Stem."</p> - -<p>"Well, this is one stem you're not clipping," Marc said hotly. "Keep -your hands to yourself."</p> - -<p>"I ain't goin' to leave till I get paid," Hotstuff said without -animosity.</p> - -<p>"Just a minute." Toffee broke in. "While you two are arguing, time is -running down the drain. If we're going to the country we'd better get -started."</p> - -<p>Marc turned to her with a sigh. "I thought I explained to you that...."</p> - -<p>"But I've got it all figured out," Toffee said complacently. "While -you've been wasting your time with this grifter, I've been working out -a plan."</p> - -<p>"I'm sorry," Marc said wearily, "but I don't think I could stand -another one of your plans. Not today."</p> - -<p>"But this will work," Toffee said brightly. "Now the problem, to put it -succinctly, is for me to go to the country, but not to be noticed by -Julie. Well, actually, that's the easiest thing in the world."</p> - -<p>"Oh?" Marc said. "If you imagine that Julie is likely to overlook a -half-naked redhead...."</p> - -<p>"Now, look at it this way," Toffee interrupted, "if you wanted to hide -yourself where would be the best place?"</p> - -<p>"Me," Hotstuff interjected, "I always go out and mix with the crowds -when I'm on the dodge."</p> - -<p>"Exactly!" Toffee said. She looked on Hotstuff with new respect, then, -glancing back to Marc, pointed across the street. "See that bus?"</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Tilting his glasses, Marc followed the direction of her pointing -finger. Diagonally across the street was parked a large yellow -sight-seeing bus of a vintage so distant as to defy memory. At the -front of the bus stood a tall, cadaverous looking individual in shirt -sleeves, about whom was an atmosphere of listless resignation. Inside -the bus, the seats were starkly uninhabited.</p> - -<p>"What we do," Toffee went on enthusiastically, "is hire that bus and -fill it up with a lot of people. Then we drive out to the country, and -when Julie sees this great gang knocking about the place she'll never -pay any special attention to anyone in particular. She'll never notice -me."</p> - -<p>"That's ridiculous," Marc said. "In the first place I doubt I'd ever be -able to hire the bus privately."</p> - -<p>"From the looks of business," Hotstuff said, "you could probably have -it for a song."</p> - -<p>"Even so," Marc said doggedly, "we are not a crowd. We are only two -people, and I'm positive Julie is quite capable of picking a strange -young lady out of a group of two."</p> - -<p>"I'd be very happy to accompany you," Hotstuff said. "In fact I insist -on it, so's I can protect my investment."</p> - -<p>"There!" Toffee said. "We're forming a crowd already. All we need are -about twenty more."</p> - -<p>"And where are we going to get them?" Marc asked serenely.</p> - -<p>"I could have a number of my business acquaintances and -their—uh—molls—out here on the corner in a flash," Hotstuff offered -obligingly. "I know a number of personalities who are quite hot to get -out of town for various reasons."</p> - -<p>"Go get them!" Toffee said. "We'll hire the bus while you're gone."</p> - -<p>"Now, just a second...." Marc yelled, but Hotstuff had already scurried -off down the street toward the corner poolhall.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The deal for the bus was concluded in almost the same instant that Marc -approached the gangling individual on the sidewalk.</p> - -<p>"Sure, mister," the man said sadly. "Why not? A day in the country -would suit me fine. You can have the bus and me for whatever you want -to offer, and you can bring along all the friends you want."</p> - -<p>Marc fatefully handed over a couple of bills and glanced, not without -apprehension, down the street. "The others should be along any moment -now," he said. He turned to Toffee. "Just how are we going to explain -all these people to Julie. We can't just say I asked them out for -dinner."</p> - -<p>"Well, then," Toffee said, "we'll just say you're a group of botany -students on a field trip." As though that satisfactorily explained -everything she started into the bus. "Heigh, ho! Oh, for a day of -biology in the open air!"</p> - -<p>"I thought you said botany," Marc said, uneasily.</p> - -<p>"One can always hope," she said grandly.</p> - -<p>True to his word, Hotstuff was back almost instantly, trailing after -him a cast of characters the likes of which is rarely seen on the -streets before sundown. The men, five of them in all, were heavy-browed -and flashily dressed. Their female counterparts—or molls, as Hotstuff -had described them—were so unanimous in their endorsement of low -necklines, high heels, dyed hair and ankle bracelets that they seemed -almost to be in uniform.</p> - -<p>At the approach of this strange swarming, Marc lowered his glasses -only to replace them even a bit more quickly than was entirely -necessary.</p> - -<p>"Good Lord!" he groaned. "It looks like Saturday night at the police -lineup."</p> - -<p>At that moment, however, Hotstuff arrived at the front of the bus, his -questionable companions crowding close behind him.</p> - -<p>"These is some of my best chums," he announced with beaming pride. -"I would introduce you to them only they don't like their names -mentioned." He drew forward a crimson-lipped creature who had crossed -the street close to his side.</p> - -<p>"This is Floss, my mouse," he said.</p> - -<p>Floss, whose hair ran the gamut of colors from jet at the roots -to orange-red at the ends—with blond, brown and platinum -intervening—gazed at Marc from beneath mascara-encrusted eyelashes.</p> - -<p>"Hi, tallstuff," she said in a smoky tone, "ain't I seen you somewheres -before?"</p> - -<p>"Knock it off, Floss," Hotstuff said. "Today's vacation. Besides, the -gent can't see you through those glasses, so don't waste your wattage." -He grinned at Marc. "She likes you, man."</p> - -<p>"I always like to improve public relations," Floss said delicately.</p> - -<p>"I'm much obliged," Marc said, edging away. "Well, I suppose we ought -to be on our way."</p> - -<p>"Okay, everybody!" Hotstuff yelled. "Climb aboard! We're off to -mingle with nature!" He took Marc's arm and guided him to the steps. -"Everybody brought a couple of bottles," he said. "All you have to do -is supply the grub. Boy! is this going to be some party!"</p> - -<p>"Yes," Marc said fatefully, "it probably is."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>It was not until the bus left the city and was churning its way into -the fresh-budding atmosphere of the country that the little assemblage -began to get into the true spirit of the trip.</p> - -<p>Until then they had been content to sit quietly drinking from their -bottles, but now, with the green fields and trees unfolding before them -they were moved to song. Lifting their voices in shattering discord, -they howled out a little number about an unfortunate heroine called -Underslung Fannie whose amorous exploits, according to the lyrics, were -distressingly uncanny. At the rear of the bus, Marc slunk in his seat -and turned to Toffee.</p> - -<p>"Leave it to you," he moaned. "How am I ever going to palm off this -tight little segment of the underworld as a bunch of fun-loving -botanists?"</p> - -<p>"Oh, they're not so bad," Toffee said. "At least you don't have to -worry about whether they're bad or not. You know they're bad right from -the beginning."</p> - -<p>"And so are you," Marc said dryly. "However, I suppose everyone seeks -his own level. I might have expected this."</p> - -<p>Toffee generously patted his cheek. "You're just overwrought," she -said. "You need a drink." Reaching under her seat, she brought out the -bottle of champagne. "Take some of this and you will see everything in -a happy glow."</p> - -<p>"Behind these glasses?" Marc asked.</p> - -<p>"You may even find the nerve to take them off," Toffee said.</p> - -<p>"In this crowd?" Marc said. "Heaven forbid!"</p> - -<p>Nevertheless, after several lengthy drafts from the bottle, Marc did -begin to see things more brightly, and he did remove his glasses. It -gave the congregation before him a strange, bare-shouldered look, but -the effect, since everyone was seated, was hardly shocking. He was -careful, however, to keep his gaze averted from the passing landscape, -particularly after a startling view of a pink-skinned, full-formed -farmgirl scattering feed to a flock of hideously defeathered chickens. -After a time he began to look on his new-found companions a bit more -fondly.</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="figcenter"> - <img src="images/illus1.jpg" alt=""/> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p>"At least," he yawned, mellowed by the champagne and the warm sun, -"they're a happy bunch of criminals."</p> - -<p>As though to prove his words correct, the company suddenly roared with -laughter, and Marc, content that things were going well, put his head -back against the seat and dozed off.</p> - -<p>The burst of laughter, however, had Marc listened more closely to it, -was more a cause for alarm than complacency. In its gleeful, boisterous -tones was the announcement that the drunken little band of miscreants -had found still a new outlet for their antisocial tendencies.</p> - -<p>A blowsy blonde named Dora, spotting a cop lounging against his -motorcycle along the highway, had observed the prescribed amenities -between the law and the underworld by leaning out the window and making -a series of rude and meaningful gestures. Admiring Dora's finesse in -this affair, her escort, a blue-jawed second-story artist named Moose, -leaned out beside her and dispatched a depleted whiskey bottle at the -cop's head, scoring a solid hit along side the ear. Their friends and -companions, as a result, had fairly collapsed in their seats with -helpless laughter.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>In this sordid incident were the beginnings of a well-routined game. -The criminals, seeing no end of fun in this little sport, organized -themselves into a team so that it might be pursued with the greatest -efficiency and dispatch. Splitting themselves into cop-watchers, -cop-insulters and cop-smackers, they became a yelling, yowling -menace to every patrolman and peace-enforcer along the highway. As -Marc continued to slumber, a chorus of sirens began to wail and -shriek in the wake of the lumbering bus. Of those involved in this -not-so-innocent diversion, only the bus driver was distressed.</p> - -<p>"Now, cut it out, you!" he yelled back at his cop-assaulting -passengers. "Lay off before you get me into serious trouble!"</p> - -<p>"Step on the gas, you hacky!" Moose roared. "Give it the gun!" And -having delivered this command, he snatched up another bottle and sent -it sizzling through the window toward the head of an unsuspecting -sheriff's deputy.</p> - -<p>"Got him!" Floss shrieked with childish glee and collapsed to the aisle -in a fit of giggles.</p> - -<p>The sirens following the bus had reached a many-throated scream before -Marc finally awoke. Opening his eyes with a start, he gazed about, -firmly convinced that the world had gone mad. A glance toward the -front of the bus and another out the rear, however, swiftly told him -the frightful truth of the matter.</p> - -<p>"Stop that!" he yelled. "Stop it this instant!"</p> - -<p>"Look, mister!" the bus driver hollered. "Either you quiet down those -maniacs or I'm going to drive this bus right off a cliff somewhere!"</p> - -<p>Marc looked ahead down the highway. Mercifully, deliverance, of a sort, -was at hand.</p> - -<p>"Just around the next bend!" he yelled. "Take the drive to the left!"</p> - -<p>"Golly!" Toffee cried happily, "isn't this exciting!"</p> - -<p>Marc cast her a brief, scathing glance and concentrated on the road -ahead. The bus, traveling at maximum speed, was rattling and creaking -in every joint. Tires squealing, the driver took the turn ahead, then -cut sharply to the left and through the gateway that bore the sign, -'Pillsworth Acres.'</p> - -<p>The bus careened up the circle of the drive, spitting gravel and dirt -from beneath its tires. A rambling, stone-faced house loomed rapidly -ahead. Green, tree-studded lawns stretched away on all sides. Down the -rise to the west a swimming pool flashed by, studding the greenness -like a glimmering, intermittent sapphire. With a scream of the brakes, -the bus ground to a terrifying stop at the entrance to the house. In -the distance, back on the highway, the avenging sirens grew louder, -then faded swiftly away into the distance. The driver at the front of -the bus went limp in his seat.</p> - -<p>"All out!" he gritted. "Get the hell out of here before I go nuts!"</p> - -<p>Marc whirled about to Toffee. "Why didn't you wake me up?" he demanded.</p> - -<p>"What for?" Toffee asked blithely. "You'd only have worried. And -everything turned out fine, didn't it?"</p> - -<p>As the company of undesirables staggered, reeled and toppled from the -bus onto the lawn, Marc and Toffee followed after. Marc refitted his -glasses to his nose and paused before the driver's extended hand.</p> - -<p>"Yes?" he asked.</p> - -<p>"Look, buddy," the driver said, "where can I hide this hack? Those cops -may be comin' back here any minute."</p> - -<p>"Seems a shame to hide it," Marc said acidly, "when we've spent so many -happy hours together in it."</p> - -<p>"I gotta hide it, mister," the driver said. "I don't want to get into -any trouble. You see, this ain't my bus."</p> - -<p>"What?" Marc said.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The driver shook his head woefully. "I was just standing there when -you came along and offered to hire it. The guy who owns it was in a -java joint down the street. I just got fired off my job this morning, -and when you came along and made me that offer, well, it was such a -beautiful day and all...."</p> - -<p>"You, too!" Marc said, aghast. "Isn't anybody legitimate today?"</p> - -<p>"I still think I ought to hide this can."</p> - -<p>"Hide it by all means!" Marc agreed. "Remove all trace of it." He -motioned toward the woods. "Drive it out there, where it will never be -seen again."</p> - -<p>Hotstuff, who had overheard this exchange, moved in confidentially. "Me -and my pals are experts at obscurin' the evidence," he offered. "We -could convert it into an icebox, so's they'd never know the difference."</p> - -<p>The driver shook his head. "I think the woods are better," he said. He -sighed. "Besides, I want to be off by myself for a while, where I can -take a nap."</p> - -<p>Toffee held out the bottle of champagne which was still half full. -"Take this with you," she said. "You need it."</p> - -<p>"I sure do, lady," the driver said gratefully, accepting the bottle. "I -need every drop of it. I'm going to get so drunk I won't even know who -I am."</p> - -<p>At this point Mr. Busby, Marc's paunchy, genteel caretaker, tottered -curiously down the steps and approached the bus with evident caution.</p> - -<p>"'Afternoon, Mr. Pillsworth," he said uncertainly. "I see you brought -along some—uh—guests."</p> - -<p>"Why, yes, Busby," Marc said, with an attempt at nonchalance. "I -brought them up for a little outing. A group of business associates and -their wives."</p> - -<p>At this description, Floss straightened her skirt and put a hand to her -hair. Hotstuff removed his hand gracefully from a companion's pocket -and smiled ingratiatingly.</p> - -<p>"I see," Busby said quietly, but in his pale eyes there was an enormous -doubt.</p> - -<p>"Where is Mrs. Pillsworth?" Marc asked casually. "And Mario?"</p> - -<p>"I'm not just certain," Busby said. "They took their paints and a lunch -hamper and went off into the woods." He pointed to the south. "They -were headed out that way."</p> - -<p>"I think I'll hunt them out and have a word with them," Marc said.</p> - -<p>"And your—uh—associates?"</p> - -<p>"Oh, yes," Marc said. He leaned a bit closer to Busby. "What do you -think would amuse them, Busby?"</p> - -<p>"I don't suppose I should say it, sir," Busby said, "but I think I -ought to slip inside and put the silver and Mrs. Pillsworth's jewels in -the vault. As for amusing them, we haven't any dope or revolvers on the -premises, but, then, perhaps they've brought their own."</p> - -<p>"I shouldn't be surprised," Marc said.</p> - -<p>"And while I'm about it, sir," Busby went on, "I think I'd better put -the lock on the wine cellar."</p> - -<p>"Wine cellar!"</p> - -<p>It was Hotstuff, the ever-present eavesdropper, who spoke up. "Hey, -gang, there's a wine cellar!" he announced. "Cool, huh?"</p> - -<p>"Say," Floss drawled, sidling up to Marc, "you've really got class, -huh? A wine cellar is right up my alley. The lower I get the better I -like it."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Toffee stepped forward, eyes glittering. "You may get lower than you -care to, doll, if you keep on like that. You may find yourself six feet -under with a very dim out-look."</p> - -<p>"Listen, sister," Floss said belligerently, "I'll tangle with you any -time."</p> - -<p>"You may never get untangled if you do," Toffee flared. "You may wind -up wearing that fright wig of yours on your bustle!"</p> - -<p>"I'll risk it, carrot-top!"</p> - -<p>"There's no risk involved," Toffee said, doubling her fists. "I'll make -you a money-back guarantee!"</p> - -<p>"Well, well," Hotstuff said approvingly, "the girls are getting real -well acquainted, ain't they?"</p> - -<p>"Too well," Marc said. "We'd better separate them before they get -downright intimate." He turned to Busby. "Show the guests to the wine -cellar."</p> - -<p>"But, sir...."</p> - -<p>"I know, Busby," Marc said, "but they'll probably be quiet there—at -least for a while."</p> - -<p>"I suppose so, sir," Busby said dully. He started back toward the -house, and the raucous little band fell in behind him. As they -departed, Toffee stared after Floss malevolently.</p> - -<p>"I may belt that kid one yet," she murmured.</p> - -<p>Behind them, the bus started up, lurched crazily forward, shot through -the hedge bordering the drive and took off drunkenly across the lawn -and into the trees.</p> - -<p>"Oh well," Marc sighed. "I suppose it might be worse—though I can't -imagine how."</p> - -<p>"Devastation seems to be prevalent today," Toffee agreed.</p> - -<p>"And with you helping it along," Marc said, "I seem to have gotten a -double order." Lifting his glasses briefly, he stared off toward the -woods. "I suppose I'd better get going. The sooner I settle things the -better."</p> - -<p>"If you want my advice," Toffee said, "take a gun."</p> - -<p>"What in the world would I do with a gun?" Marc asked.</p> - -<p>"It would give weight to your argument," Toffee said. "These Latin -lovers expect jealous husbands to carry guns."</p> - -<p>"I am not jealous," Marc said stiffly, "I'm just worried, that's all."</p> - -<p>"In that case," Toffee said, "why don't we just wait here until they -get back? We could join the party in the cellar."</p> - -<p>"It's this spring-time daffiness that really upsets me," Marc said. -"Everyone seems out of control."</p> - -<p>"Look," Toffee said, "if they went to the woods in that direction, -why don't we go to them in the other direction and let Julie do the -worrying for a change. Fair's fair, isn't it?"</p> - -<p>"How could that possibly worry Julie," Marc asked. "She wouldn't even -know we were there."</p> - -<p>"That's right," Toffee said evilly, "she wouldn't, would she?"</p> - -<p>"Unprincipled little trollop," Marc said.</p> - -<p>"Unprincipled to the bone," Toffee agreed. She sighed. "But what good -does it do me?"</p> - -<p>"I suppose I should drop in on my guests before I leave," Marc said, -"just to make sure they're comfortable."</p> - -<p>"They're probably so comfortable by now, they're unconscious."</p> - -<p>"They're better that way," Marc said.</p> - -<p>This settled, he turned away, then turned quickly back again as Busby, -wringing his hands with desperation, suddenly flew through the door and -down the steps.</p> - -<p>"Sir! Sir!" he yelled. "They've done it already, sir! I can't -imagine.... They must be quick as cats!"</p> - -<p>"What are you talking about, Busby?" Marc asked.</p> - -<p>"The silver, sir!" Busby wailed. "And Mrs. Pillsworth's jewels! -Your—associates cleaned out the lot! And they merely passed through -the house, sir!"</p> - -<p>"Like corn through a goose," Toffee murmured.</p> - -<p>"Oh, Mrs. Pillsworth will be furious, sir!" Busby lamented. "Mrs. -Pillsworth puts great store by her silver and jewels!"</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Marc shuddered with apprehension. Julie would be more than furious; she -would be livid. And, worse than that, she would be livid at him! Since -the pack of thieves who had taken the things were his guests, the whole -thing, therefore, would be all his fault. She would never forgive him.</p> - -<p>"We'll have to get them back!" he said.</p> - -<p>"I could call the police, sir!"</p> - -<p>"No!" Marc fairly yelled. "No, Busby, don't call the police." He -frowned concernedly. "Are they all down in the cellar now?"</p> - -<p>"Revelling," Busby said hauntedly. "Revelling and shouting and -guzzling. I don't think I'd go down there if I were you. It's a regular -den of vice."</p> - -<p>"Nevertheless," Marc said, "they need a good talking to. It's hardly -good manners to accept a man's hospitality and steal his wife's jewels."</p> - -<p>"It was probably Floss," Toffee said vengefully. "She's got her eye out -for a good thing, all right."</p> - -<p>Together, the three of them entered the house, crossed the wide, cool -hall at the front, passed through the solarium and kitchen and drew -up at the doorway that led down to the cellar. The sound of coarse -laughter momentarily halted their steps. From inside his jacket, Busby -extracted a revolver.</p> - -<p>"Perhaps you should have this, sir," he said. "I keep it for -emergencies."</p> - -<p>"And this is certainly an emergency," Marc said. Taking the gun, he -faced the stairway. "I will speak to them firmly and if that doesn't -work, I'll—I'll—"</p> - -<p>"Call the police, sir?"</p> - -<p>"No! No, I'll—I'll hope for the best."</p> - -<p>"With that mob," Busby said dismally, "the best is bound to be -something worse than the worst, if you get my meaning."</p> - -<p>"Nevertheless," Marc said, "we will have to face them with it." He -led the way through the door and down the steps into the dim, musty -sweetness of the cellar. As they descended, a second roar of laughter -rose to greet them.</p> - -<p>"Hey!" a voice called roughly out of the shadows. "Mine host -approaches—with vassals?"</p> - -<p>"Vassals of what?" another voice inquired woozily. "Or do you mean -sea-going vassals?"</p> - -<p>Marc peered into the dimness and held up a hand. "Ladies and -gentlemen," he said, not without a note of irony. "Ladies and -gentlemen, Busby, here, has just told me a most shocking story."</p> - -<p>There was a stirring in the dark. "Old Busby did that?" a voice said -interestedly. "He hardly looks like he'd know any shockin' stories."</p> - -<p>"Shame on Busby!" a feminine voice giggled out of the distance.</p> - -<p>A form moved out of the shadows and proved to be Floss. "Let's hear -this shockin' story," she said eagerly. "Ain't nothin' like a good -shockin' story to get the party goin'."</p> - -<p>Marc put up his hand again. "No," he said, "you don't understand; it's -not that kind of a shocking story."</p> - -<p>"A true confession, huh?" a voice said sullenly from behind the wine -bins. "Don't sign it, Busby. Get a good shyster before you put your -name to it."</p> - -<p>"Please!" Marc said. "Let me tell you...."</p> - -<p>"Not if it makes us accessories to the fact!" the voice came back. "I -don't want to hear it. I'm putting my fingers in my ears!"</p> - -<p>"Let's all put our fingers in our ears!" a blonde-sounding voice -tittered. "It tickles!"</p> - -<p>"Now, just a minute!" Marc yelled. "Listen! Someone here has stolen the -silver and my wife's jewels, and I've got to have them back. The only -thing I can do is appeal to you as a friend."</p> - -<p>"You'd appeal to me even as an enemy," Floss giggled tipsily. "Advance, -friend and be recognized."</p> - -<p>"If he does," Toffee snarled, "he'll also be cauterized. Stay back, you -two-bit lollypop!"</p> - -<p>But Marc was not to be distracted from the matter at hand. "Now, which -one of you did it?" he asked. "There won't be any arrest if you will -just return the things."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>There was a dense silence. Hotstuff shuffled out of the dimness and -took up his place unsteadily at Marc's side.</p> - -<p>"Okay, you crazy cats!" he hollered. "Which one of you pinched Mrs. -Pillsworth's rocks?"</p> - -<p>"Was she wearin' them at the time?" a female voice inquired.</p> - -<p>"No, she wasn't," Marc said. "What has that got to do with it?"</p> - -<p>"Plenty," the voice said. "If she was wearin' them there might have -been a hell of a lot more pinched than just her jewelry." The speaker -sighed with understanding. "Sometimes a girl likes to be pinched just -for herself alone."</p> - -<p>"You're gonna get slugged just for yourself alone if you don't shut -up," Hotstuff snapped. He paused significantly. "Ain't no one gonna -sing?" He turned back to Marc. "Was the stuff insured?"</p> - -<p>"Yes," Marc said, "but it's not as simple as that." Resignedly, he -launched into the story of his domestic problems. "So, you see," he -concluded imploringly, "I have to have the original jewels back or I -might lose my wife."</p> - -<p>"And she's out two-timin' you with this Mario creep?" a voice said -indignantly. "Disgustin'!"</p> - -<p>"You gotta take your rod and blast the guy," another voice said hotly. -"Defendin' your home, you could get off scot free."</p> - -<p>"Hey!" Hotstuff broke in suddenly, "I got a great idea!" He grinned at -his unseen audience with triumph. "Here we are, enjoyin' a healthful, -restful day in the country, all at Mr. Pillsworth's expense. Well, now, -don't it seem like we owe him some kind of token of thanks?"</p> - -<p>"Yeah!" Floss said happily. "Like an ash tray made like a toilet seat!"</p> - -<p>"Naw, Floss, nothin' like that," Hotstuff frowned. "What I mean is -something real useful that he needs."</p> - -<p>"Yeah?" a voice asked eagerly. "Like what?"</p> - -<p>"Well, now I was thinkin'," Hotstuff said, "what Pillsworth, here, -needs most is to have this Mario removed outa the way. Naturally, he -can't go knock the guy off himself; he just ain't the type. So, what I -got the idea for, is why don't we do the job for him? Kind of like a -thank-you present because we're havin' such a nice time!"</p> - -<p>"Hey!" a voice growled enthusiastically, "that's a solid idea. It's got -a lot of sentiment, too. Like one good turn deserves another."</p> - -<p>There was a general murmur of assent.</p> - -<p>"After all," the blond-sounding voice said soddenly, "what are friends -for, except to go around and help out one another?" There was the -sound of loud snuffling. "It kind of gets you when you stop and think -about it. Who's got a rod that ain't hot?"</p> - -<p>"Now, wait a minute!" Marc yelled. "You can't do that! It's murder!"</p> - -<p>"But we gotta make up for the jewels, don't we?" Hotstuff said. "We -gotta be honest with you, don't we?"</p> - -<p>Already, the murderous drunks had begun to swarm out of the dimness. -The blue-jawed Moose appeared brandishing a wicked looking .38.</p> - -<p>"We'll all take shots at him," he chuckled, "and say it was a huntin' -accident. That way, they won't be able to pin it on no one in -particular."</p> - -<p>"Now, listen!" Marc rasped desperately. "I can't permit you to do this!"</p> - -<p>"Oh, it's really nothin'," Hotstuff said modestly. He motioned to his -followers. "Come on, friends, to the woods!"</p> - -<p>"You mustn't do this!" Marc cried.</p> - -<p>"What a guy!" Moose growled admiringly. "You gotta practically fight -him to even do him a little favor."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The band swarmed past Marc and up the steps. "We'll spread out and -force him into the open!" Hotstuff yelled.</p> - -<p>"Stop!" Marc hollered. "Don't do it! I don't want you to!"</p> - -<p>But the last of the assassins reached the top of the steps and -disappeared out the door. Marc turned hopelessly to Toffee.</p> - -<p>"I should have stayed in jail!" he said. "I can just see the newspapers -when all this is over. Julie will divorce me for certain!"</p> - -<p>"Well, don't just stand there wringing your hands," Toffee said. "Let's -go out and warn them. We'll have to hide this Mario character until -they've cooled down and gone away."</p> - -<p>"I suppose so," Marc said. He turned and, with Toffee's guidance, -started up the steps. "At least we know where to look. Maybe we can -beat them to it."</p> - -<p>They hurried up the stairs and out the back door. Marc turned briefly -back to Busby.</p> - -<p>"You stay here," he said. "If Mrs. Pillsworth and Mario return warn -them to stay out of sight."</p> - -<p>"Yes, sir," Busby said. "And I think I'll stay out of sight myself."</p> - -<p>Marc and Toffee started out.</p> - -<p>"They're probably down along the stream somewhere," Marc said. "Let's -hurry."</p> - -<p>It was when they had reached the end of the lawns and were starting -into the brush that Marc stumbled and lost his glasses. After looking -about them then, hurriedly, he gave them up.</p> - -<p>"I'll just have to do without them," he said.</p> - -<p>"This is hardly the time to indulge your Puritan sensitivities," Toffee -agreed. "Come on!"</p> - -<p>They forged ahead over rocks and through bushes until they came to the -edge of the stream. There they stopped, scanning the banks for as far -as they could see, but there was no one.</p> - -<p>"You go in that direction," Toffee said quickly, "And I'll go upstream. -If I find them I'll whistle."</p> - -<p>Marc nodded agreement and struck out, shoving his way through a thick -tangle of foliage. He moved along carefully toward a clearing that -he remembered to be ahead. Finally, starting through the last leafy -barrier, he caught his coat on a branch. He turned back to loosen it, -at the same time backing out into the opening, pulling against the hold -of the branch. The gun in his hand, however, made the maneuver awkward. -As the coat finally came loose, he fell backwards, landing on the grass.</p> - -<p>He was just starting to boost himself up, when he heard the scream -behind him. It was a shrill scream and filled with horror. There was -an ensuing moment of silence, then the sound of swiftly padding feet, -scurrying in all directions. Marc turned and looked.</p> - -<p>At first glance he was deeply startled, having forgotten momentarily -the condition of his eyes. A large collection of humanity, glistening -pinkly in the afternoon sunlight, were disappearing frenziedly into the -surrounding greenery. As their unclad backsides vanished behind cover, -Marc noticed that they had left behind them a number of picnic baskets, -thermos jugs and blankets.</p> - -<p>He sat for a moment, getting back his breath, then, on brief -reflection, it came to him that these picnickers, whoever they -were, had behaved with singular strangeness. Why should they run so -desperately for cover just because he had fallen into the clearing?</p> - -<p>He had only begun to ponder this curious equation when he realized -that perhaps his falling there really had nothing to do with it at -all. Perhaps something else, something much more formidable than a -mere intruder, had panicked them. Visions of man-consuming cobras and -slavering tigers flashed through his mind. Whatever it was that had -so upset these people, he wasn't going to hang around to welcome it -single-handedly. Leaping to his feet, he also ran for cover.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>He crashed through the scratchy frontier of brush and came to an -abrupt stop. Crouching before him, her back fortunately turned, was -a plumpish, dark-haired woman, hiding her face in her hands. Marc -crouched quickly down beside her and for a moment there was a tense -silence. It was as though they waited for a bomb to drop. As the -moments passed, however, and nothing occurred, Marc cleared his throat. -The woman flinched nervously.</p> - -<p>"Shh!" she hissed. "Be quiet!"</p> - -<p>"What for?" Marc asked. "What happened?"</p> - -<p>"Didn't you see?" the woman asked.</p> - -<p>"I must have missed it," Marc said.</p> - -<p>"Well, just be quiet," the woman said again, and once more the silence -returned.</p> - -<p>Finally, out of sheer curiosity, Marc was forced to reopen the -conversation.</p> - -<p>"This seems to be my day for crouching down with women," he said, -trying a social tone.</p> - -<p>"Is it?" the woman said. "I suppose there's a reason why?"</p> - -<p>"I don't know," Marc said, feeling that this exchange was not destined -to make a great deal of sense. "But I'm beginning to be just a little -stiff from it."</p> - -<p>"From what?" the woman asked absently.</p> - -<p>"From crouching down with women," Marc said, wishing he hadn't started -the discussion in the first place.</p> - -<p>"Do you mean you get stiffer from crouching down with women than with -men?" the woman asked.</p> - -<p>"Well, I don't know about that," Marc said. "I've never crouched -down with any men. Do you suppose it would matter if I stood up and -stretched a bit?"</p> - -<p>"For heaven's sake!" the woman gasped. "Do you want to be seen?"</p> - -<p>"Why shouldn't I be seen?" Marc asked.</p> - -<p>"You know very well," the woman said, "the way you are."</p> - -<p>"The way I am?"</p> - -<p>"Certainly," the woman said. "You know how people get about that sort -of thing."</p> - -<p>"Oh?" Marc said, completely lost. "Say, how am I, anyway?"</p> - -<p>"How should I know how you are?" the woman said primly. "I don't allow -myself to think about those things."</p> - -<p>"But you were just talking about it," Marc said, "and about how people -get about it."</p> - -<p>"Your mind should be above it all," the woman said. "If you're asking -for compliments, you've come to the wrong party."</p> - -<p>"I persistently get the feeling," Marc said, "that we're talking about -two different things."</p> - -<p>"Weren't you at the last meeting when the citizen's committee showed up -and started chasing us around?"</p> - -<p>"Why no," Marc said interestedly, "I guess I missed that one."</p> - -<p>"The way people act," the woman said peevishly, "you'd think we nudists -aren't decent or something."</p> - -<p>"<i>Nudists!</i>" Marc yelped. "Then, you really haven't any clothes on -after all!"</p> - -<p>"Of course I haven't," the woman said self-righteously. "And you...." -Suddenly a quiver of realization coursed through her plump body and, -removing her hands from her eyes, she looked around at Marc with a -glance of horror. Her lips parted and she screamed.</p> - -<p>"You're dressed!" she cried. "You're the man with the gun! Get away -from me. Don't come near me!"</p> - -<p>"I wouldn't think of it!" Marc said, leaping to his feet. "Good -heavens, don't turn around!"</p> - -<p>"Don't worry," the woman said fervently, "I don't think I could even if -I wanted to! I'm just going to sit here and yell." And just to prove -it, apparently, she screamed again. "He's here!" she shrieked. "He's -here, with all his clothes on!" Her tone implied a nasty accusation.</p> - -<p>"Good grief!" Marc said. "You don't have to tell everybody, do you?"</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Now that the alarm was out, the landscape came madly to life. Nudes of -all sizes and descriptions, clutching bits of greenery to themselves -where it was most needed, began leaping about through the brush like -fish in a net.</p> - -<p>Swiftly it developed into a full-blown stampede. Marc goggled with -disbelief as tanned figures rushed across the clearing and flashed out -of sight along the banks of the stream.</p> - -<p>"Well, I'll be darned!" Marc breathed and glanced down at the leavings -of the picnic. He shrugged and started on, hoping fervently that he -wouldn't overtake them again. With his eyes behaving so strangely -everything became so fraught with complexities. When, for instance, was -a nude not a nude?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Meanwhile, in another clearing just a bit farther along, Julie, her -blonde hair glinting golden in the sunshine, sat in a leafy bower with -her wide yellow skirts spread artfully about her long, aristocratic -legs. The hypnotic whisper of the stream was in her ears and the spell -of the first day of spring was in her blue eyes. From beneath drowsily -lowered lids, she watched Mario as he arranged his canvas and paints -and then, looking up, came toward her.</p> - -<p>"The neck of the blouse, Madonna mia," he said, "it needs to be just a -trifle lower so as to display more of the—uh—shoulder." He reached -out a slender hand. "May I?"</p> - -<p>Julie looked up, and for a moment her eyes met his. She glanced quickly -away, wondering what in the world was coming over her; she had never -felt this odd melting sensation before. Inwardly, she gave herself -a little shake, as a reminder that she was not a predatory creature -of impulse, no matter how much she felt like one. Then Mario's hand -touched her shoulder and she shivered. For just that one instant it -was as though Marc had never existed; the spell of the spring was too -strong.</p> - -<p>"Mario!" she breathed.</p> - -<p>"Madonna!" Mario whispered fervently, dropping to her side. "You are -exquisite! You are like a rare jewel in the sunlight!" And his arm -moved practicedly toward her shoulder.</p> - -<p>Their eyes met, and for a moment the tableau of romantic danger held, -suspended in time, it seemed. Then it shattered as the greenery -suddenly parted around them and a host of naked figures, desperately -clutching bunches of leaves to themselves, flooded into the clearing. -Julie looked up frightenedly and screamed.</p> - -<p>"Good heavens!" she cried.</p> - -<p>The undraped stampeders stopped short. There was an interval of stunned -silence, then the leafy interlopers, seized with a fit of modesty, -hastily huddled together and crouched down.</p> - -<p>"My God!" a small round-eyed man gasped. "We're surrounded. Everybody's -wearing clothes today."</p> - -<p>"Everywhere you look," said a tousled-looking blond, "there's -concealment!"</p> - -<p>The silence returned, more awkwardly this time. The nudists stared -worriedly at Julie and Mario and they, too stunned for words, stared -back. Julie, from sheer nervousness, finally spoke.</p> - -<p>"You—you haven't any clothes on!" she observed rather foolishly.</p> - -<p>"We are aware of that, madam," a bald-pated gentleman said miserably. -"And we're growing more aware of it every minute. You don't have to -tell us."</p> - -<p>"Don't you even care?" Julie asked shakenly. "Don't you <i>want</i> to have -any on?"</p> - -<p>"No, we don't," the first man said defiantly. "We feel that for the -sake of our health—and morals, too—we shouldn't have."</p> - -<p>"It may be wonderful for your health," Julie said doubtfully, "but I -can't think it would do much for your morals."</p> - -<p>"That's because you don't understand," a woman snapped. "You're not a -right-thinker."</p> - -<p>"Well, it hardly matters now whether I understand or not," Julie said. -"Are you going to go on like that indefinitely?"</p> - -<p>"Not wearing clothes?" the man asked.</p> - -<p>"No," Julie said. "Crouching there, I mean, staring around. You are -making me terribly uncomfortable."</p> - -<p>"If we stood up," a skinny man said, "we'd make you a lot more -uncomfortable."</p> - -<p>"Yes," Julie agreed quickly. "I suppose you would. Still, we can't just -all sit here like this, can we?"</p> - -<p>"I don't know about you, lady," the skinny man said, "But I'd rather -not."</p> - -<p>"Then, what will we do?" Julie said. "If we close our eyes will you -promise to go away—very quietly."</p> - -<p>"But where will we go?" the man asked. "The woods are alive with -non-nudists today. We hardly know which way to turn."</p> - -<p>"You should have thought of that before you took your clothes off," -Julie said edgily.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>At the far end of the clearing there was a dry parting of the bushes -and Marc ambled into range. His gaze went no farther than the nearest -nudist and, despite the gun, he put his hands over his eyes.</p> - -<p>"Marc!" Julie cried.</p> - -<p>At the sound of Julie's voice Marc's face drained of all color. The -worst had happened, just as he had suspected. Under Mario's degrading -influence, Julie had not only gone astray, she had even joined the -nudists.</p> - -<p>"Julie!" he cried forlornly. "How could you do a thing like this?"</p> - -<p>"A thing like what?" Julie asked, getting to her feet. "What are you -talking about?"</p> - -<p>"Running around—like that!" Marc said.</p> - -<p>"I'm not running around," Julie said, inching her neckline up guiltily. -"Why are you holding your hands over your eyes like that? And what are -you doing with that gun?"</p> - -<p>"I can't bear to look," Marc said. "I may shoot myself."</p> - -<p>"What!" Julie said, then smiled. "Oh, it's all this bare skin that -upsets you, eh?"</p> - -<p>Marc winced anew. "Doesn't it bother you?" he asked.</p> - -<p>"You'll never know how much," Julie said, "but they say it's good for -the health and the morals."</p> - -<p>"Morals!" Marc said. "I'm surprised you even know the word any longer. -I think I'd better leave."</p> - -<p>"Well, if I can face all this, surely you can, too," Julie said. "You -still haven't explained what you're doing with that gun."</p> - -<p>The skinny nude gentleman stirred anxiously. "Are you people going to -go on chatting all day?" he asked plaintively. "My leaves are beginning -to wilt."</p> - -<p>"Your leaves," Julie said tartly, "are no concern of ours."</p> - -<p>"If they droop just a little bit farther they'll be everybody's -concern," the man said wanly.</p> - -<p>"Yes, they certainly will," Marc shuddered. He turned in Julie's -direction. "I hope your leaves are holding up all right."</p> - -<p>"I don't have any leaves," Julie said. "Why should I have? Why are you -acting so strange?"</p> - -<p>Marc started forward. As he did so, he caught his toe on a projecting -root and stumbled. Lurching forward, he threw out his hand blindly and -inadvertently pulled the trigger of the gun. There was a deafening -report and a bullet sailed into the air. Julie, clutching at Mario's -arm screamed at the top of her lungs.</p> - -<p>"He's trying to kill us!" she yelled. "Run, Mario, run!"</p> - -<p>Mario hardly needed the invitation; even before it was completed, he -had begun to put his feet into motion. Dragging Julie after him, he -crashed into the brush, and the two of them disappeared from sight.</p> - -<p>"Julie!" Marc said brokenly. He opened his eyes and looked in the -direction of their departure. He glanced back at the nudists. "I hope -you're satisfied!"</p> - -<p>"We're not, mister," the skinny man wailed. "We can't hold onto these -leaves forever. What will we do then?"</p> - -<p>"I wouldn't be surprised at anything," Marc said nastily, "not from a -gang like you."</p> - -<p>Like a belated echo in the distance, there was the sound of a loud -report from the direction in which Julie and Mario had departed.</p> - -<p>"Good Lord!" Marc said, leaping forward. "I forgot!" He started toward -the bushes just in time to collide with Toffee who darted suddenly into -the open.</p> - -<p>"They're after them!" Toffee cried. "They heard your shot and closed -in!" There was the sound of two more shots. Marc started forward, but -Toffee held him back.</p> - -<p>"Don't go out there!" she cried. "They're in a mood to shoot anything -that moves!"</p> - -<p>"But if they kill Mario, Julie will swear I did it!" Marc said. "I've -got to stop them!"</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Suddenly the air rattled with gunfire, this time closer at hand. In -the quiet that followed there was the sound of swiftly approaching -footsteps. An instant later, Moose crashed into the clearing and -jounced to a stop against Marc's chest.</p> - -<p>"Get outa the way, you civilian!" the thug yelled blindly. "The joint -is swarmin' with bulls!"</p> - -<p>Marc had only barely digested this frenzied bulletin when Floss, -Hotstuff, the blousy blonde and the other assorted criminals hurtled -drunkenly through the opening.</p> - -<p>"Cops everywhere!" Hotstuff wailed. He fixed Marc with a cold eye. "Who -tipped 'em off, huh?"</p> - -<p>"I didn't," Marc said. "Where are they?"</p> - -<p>"Fannin' out!" Floss whined. "Closin' in!"</p> - -<p>"Both at the same time?" Toffee asked curiously.</p> - -<p>"Well, I suppose it's better than murder," Marc said hopelessly.</p> - -<p>During this exchange, the fugitives had collected themselves enough to -be aware of the nudists, who, rising, were clutching their greenery to -them with trembling fright.</p> - -<p>"Holy gee!" Floss said. "Will you look at them! What's goin' on here, -an open air smoker?"</p> - -<p>"We do it for our health," the plump woman said defensively.</p> - -<p>"That's a new angle," Floss said interestedly.</p> - -<p>"The police!" the skinny man moaned, unaware of Floss' roving eye. -"They'll arrest us!"</p> - -<p>"Boy," Floss said evilly, "what a place for a pair of prunin' shears!"</p> - -<p>"Floss!" Hotstuff said severely. "This is no time for fun. The cops -will be swarmin' all over us in a minute!"</p> - -<p>"Are we just going to stand here and let them arrest us?" Toffee said.</p> - -<p>"We're surrounded," Moose said. "We'll have to shoot our way out."</p> - -<p>"No!" Marc yelled. "Absolutely no more shooting!"</p> - -<p>"We nudists," the skinny man announced quaveringly, "refuse to have any -part in all this."</p> - -<p>"You shut up!" Moose snarled. The sound of a wailing siren approached -from the distance. "Good God, they're on wheels now! They've got us -out-pointed."</p> - -<p>There was a general nervous shuffling as the assembled law-offenders -moved forward to view their oncoming fate. The movement was suddenly -arrested, however, as a roaring sound, accompanied by the snap and -crunch of despoiled underbrush, echoed near at hand.</p> - -<p>"Holy smoke!" Marc cried, "they're sending in tanks!"</p> - -<p>"Everybody grab something!" Floss said hysterically. "A lady must -defend herself to the end!"</p> - -<p>"And then what?" Toffee inquired bitterly.</p> - -<p>Already, the trees and bushes at the end of the clearing were starting -to thrash about with frenzied agitation. A tree crashed to earth and, -plowing over it, in a veering rush, came the yellow sight-seeing bus. -The driver, markedly foggy of eye, leaned his head out the window.</p> - -<p>"The cops!" he yelled. "They're after me! They've been chasing me to -hell and gone all over the place!" With a great grinding of brakes, the -bus jolted to a stop. "I gotta get outa here!" He peered down at Marc. -"Which way do I go, mister?"</p> - -<p>"Hey, wait!" Toffee said. "We've all got to get out of here!" She ran -around to the door of the bus. "Open up!"</p> - -<p>There was a crush of humanity as nudists and thugs alike struggled to -climb into the palpitating bus.</p> - -<p>"Snap into it!" the driver barked. "They're comin' in droves, those -cops, and they're all sore as hell!"</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Marc and Toffee stumbled to the rear of the bus and dropped into -adjoining seats.</p> - -<p>"At least we've got a running start," Toffee said breathlessly.</p> - -<p>"Toward what, though?" Marc asked dismally. "The law thinks I'm an -undesirable and my wife thinks I'm a homicidal maniac. Have I thanked -you sufficiently for your wonderful help in this affair?"</p> - -<p>"At least I tried," Toffee said. "You might show a little gratitude for -that."</p> - -<p>But Marc wasn't listening. He was gaping at the others as they climbed -aboard and fell into their seats up ahead.</p> - -<p>"My gosh!" he breathed.</p> - -<p>"What is it?" Toffee asked.</p> - -<p>"In all this excitement—and with all those nudists around—I didn't -notice."</p> - -<p>"Notice what?"</p> - -<p>"The elixir is wearing off. Now, everybody's in their underwear! Except -the nudists, of course."</p> - -<p>"Well, at least," Toffee sighed, "you can keep your eyes open now."</p> - -<p>"I'm not so sure," Marc said. "You should see Hotstuff's -underwear—begonias on a field of purple."</p> - -<p>"No!" Toffee said delightedly. "I suppose even he has his poetic side."</p> - -<p>The conversation stopped short as the bus leaped ahead, throwing the -passengers back in their seats.</p> - -<p>"We'll try to circle around them!" the driver called out. "Hang on!"</p> - -<p>There was a crash as the bus lunged back into the foliage. Branches -lashed frenetically at the windows and skittered back into the -distance. There was a communal scream as a large oak loomed before the -windshield, but the driver, pulling frantically at the wheel, managed -to send the bus swerving around it. Presently, the leaping, bucking -vehicle fought its way clear of the wilds and emerged onto the green -expanse of the lawns.</p> - -<p>It all happened too quickly for any of the participants to have a very -clear view of exactly what happened. One thing, though, was woefully -evident; the driver had gotten mixed up in his directions. As they -quitted the undergrowth, they suddenly found themselves in a head-on -rush toward the charging ranks of the law. All at once the landscape -was fairly littered with scrambling, dissembling cops. A siren shrieked -with mechanical outrage.</p> - -<p>"Give it the gas!" the passengers yelled. "Give it hell!"</p> - -<p>The driver reacted automatically and pressed his foot down on the gas -with everything he had. The bus shot ahead, wildly out of control, -and headed into a zig-zag course toward the house. In the path there -suddenly loomed a pair of distracted figures who, at the sound of the -churning bus, looked back and instantly froze in their tracks.</p> - -<p>"Julie!" Marc screamed, leaping from his seat and fighting his way to a -position beside the driver. "Julie! Run!"</p> - -<p>Outside, Julie merely covered her face with her hands. "Oh, Lord!" she -wailed. "Now he's after us with a bus!"</p> - -<p>At the last second Marc grabbed the wheel from the driver and yanked at -it furiously. The bus careened to one side as Julie and Mario leaped or -fainted to the grass, out of the way. The bus roared on, while in the -background the siren hurled its piercing tone to the sky. Somewhere in -the distance a voice barked hoarsely.</p> - -<p>"Fire!" it bellowed. "Get 'em in the tires! That bus is packed with -lunatics!"</p> - -<p>There was an instantaneous volley of gunfire and suddenly the bus -skittered to one side, teetered precariously on two wheels, then -righted itself and plunged dead-on into the substantial trunk of a -weeping willow. There was a thunderous crash, a rising chorus of -terrified voices and then silence.</p> - -<p>By fighting her way through the mass of struggling bodies in the aisle, -Toffee managed to reach Marc's prone figure. She dropped down beside -him and drew his head gently into her lap.</p> - -<p>"Are you all right?" she asked.</p> - -<p>Marc opened his eyes and looked at her mistily. "I think so," he said. -"I feel so drowsy, though." Then suddenly he frowned.</p> - -<p>"What is it?" Toffee asked quickly.</p> - -<p>"Julie...." Marc said.</p> - -<p>"Julie? What about her?"</p> - -<p>"She wasn't with the nudists after all," Marc murmured. "I mean she -wasn't one of them."</p> - -<p>"Well, what's so bad about that?"</p> - -<p>Marc sighed unhappily. "She's wearing pink lace underwear!" he said. -"And she's never worn it before." With that, as though the thought were -too much for him, he closed his eyes and went limp in her arms.</p> - -<p>Toffee, like a drifting, though shapely, cloud of smoke, faded rapidly -into thin air.</p> - -<p>"Jeez!" breathed a cop who had reached the door of the bus just in -time to witness this phenomenon. "This gang is even creepier than we -thought!"</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Judge Frennish plainly boggled at the sight that greeted his -astonished eyes as he ascended the bench.</p> - -<p>The defendants had split themselves into definite factions. At one -side of the court the nudists had huddled together in a tight little -protective unit, while the thugs and their dolls had disdainfully -withdrawn to the other side. Marc, still in a state of slumber, had -been casually deposited in a chair, mid-distant between the two groups.</p> - -<p>Briefly, the judge studied these separate crime camps and turned -a disillusioned gaze toward Sergeant Feeney who had reluctantly -accompanied him to the bench.</p> - -<p>"Good grief, Feeney," he said, "do you mean to say you picked up this -gang all in one place?"</p> - -<p>"All in one place," Sergeant Feeney nodded wearily.</p> - -<p>"Good Lord!"</p> - -<p>"Definitely, your honor," Sergeant Feeney agreed. "The ones without any -clothes claim they were havin' a picnic."</p> - -<p>"I'll just bet they were," the judge said. "Though I shouldn't think -they'd care to be so frank about it." He sighed tremulously. "And the -others? I see many familiar and loathsome faces there."</p> - -<p>"They explained that they were botany students out for a field day. -They're still quite drunk, your honor."</p> - -<p>"Isn't that Hotstuff Harold there in the middle?"</p> - -<p>"Yes, your honor," Sergeant Feeney said thinly, "he insists he's the -head of the class."</p> - -<p>"Quite a haul," the judge said. "I only wish they'd haul them somewhere -else. What about that tall fellow there who seems to be asleep? Is he -the one who was turned in earlier on the morals charge?"</p> - -<p>"Yes, your honor. There's nothin' rightly wrong with him, accordin' to -the doctor. Either he's shammin' or he's been takin' dope."</p> - -<p>"A nasty business, Feeney," the judge commented sourly. He glanced -around the room as though hoping to find some unexpected avenue of -escape, then shrugged. "I suppose I might as well plunge in." Picking -up the gavel, he banged it heavily on the bench. The defendants and the -spectators looked up apprehensively.</p> - -<p>"The court will come to order!" the judge announced, a severe look -coming into his dark eyes. "It had darned well better, anyway." He -fixed the nudists with a steely glance. "Is there a spokesman for this -shameless group over here?"</p> - -<p>The skinny man edged forward, clutching his badly drooping leaves. He -flushed embarrassedly.</p> - -<p>"I suppose I am, your honor," he said weakly.</p> - -<p>The judge eyed him without pleasure. "Why are you crouched down like -that? Got a bellyache?"</p> - -<p>"No, sir," the skinny man said. "It's just that I can't stand up—the -way my leaves are. It wouldn't look right."</p> - -<p>"It doesn't look right now," the judge said tersely. "It looks -perfectly dreadful."</p> - -<p>The skinny man flushed a still deeper shade of red and agitated his -leaves. "I'm sorry, your honor."</p> - -<p>"It's too late to be sorry," the judge said. "Now, suppose you just -tell me what you people were doing, running around indecently exposed."</p> - -<p>"Well, your honor," the skinny man said hopefully, "we were having a -picnic."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The judge blanched a mottled grey. "So I've heard," he said. "There's -no need to be defiant about it, you know."</p> - -<p>"It was all very nice and orderly," the man offered, "until Mr. -Pillsworth showed up."</p> - -<p>"And then it got disorderly?"</p> - -<p>"Everything got completely out of hand."</p> - -<p>The judge's gaze swiveled toward Marc with gloomy speculation. "This -fellow Pillsworth must exert a powerful influence everywhere he goes," -he said. He turned back to the nudist.</p> - -<p>"Just how out of hand did everything get, would you say?"</p> - -<p>"I don't know exactly," the skinny man said. "Everyone was leaping -about and running. It got pretty hard to follow. I don't think there -were any broken bones, though."</p> - -<p>"Broken bones!" the judge wheezed. He closed his eyes, as though to -blot out a vision too awful for observation. When he opened them again, -they were fixed on Hotstuff Harold.</p> - -<p>"And how did you and your disreputable friends get mixed up in this?" -he asked malevolently.</p> - -<p>"We weren't mixed up in it," Hotstuff Harold said innocently. "We -didn't know anything about these nudists until close to the end. We -were very shocked at them."</p> - -<p>"I dare say," the judge said dryly. "And may I ask, since you were out -merely sniffing the flowers, how you all happened to be armed with -guns?"</p> - -<p>"Well," Hotstuff said vaguely, "we botanists can't be too careful, you -know. There might be snakes."</p> - -<p>"There <i>are</i> snakes," the judge said evenly, "and this courtroom is -fairly crawling with them. Don't tell me that you were shooting up the -countryside just to be on the safe side. Don't tell me that!"</p> - -<p>"No, sir," Hotstuff said sullenly. "I was goin' to, but I won't."</p> - -<p>Floss stepped forward, her hair in wild disarray. "Look, your honor," -she said, "I guess we might as well come clean. We was only out doin' a -little job for Pillsworth."</p> - -<p>"What!" the judge said. "You mean to say this Pillsworth commissioned -you to do murder for him?"</p> - -<p>"Well, not exactly murder," Floss said ingenuously. "We was just -arrangin' a little accident—outa gratitude."</p> - -<p>"This Pillsworth is a veritable fiend!" the judge said hollowly. "He's -even managed to corrupt the underworld!" He glanced around the room. -"Where's this bus thief I've heard about?"</p> - -<p>The disconsolate driver shuffled forward. "That's me, I guess," he said.</p> - -<p>The judge studied the man pettishly. "You admit stealing this bus?"</p> - -<p>"I guess I did steal it," the driver said, "if you want to be technical -about it."</p> - -<p>"And I do," the judge said. "Do you have anything to say for yourself?"</p> - -<p>"Well," the driver reflected, "I didn't exactly steal it with malice -aforethought. That is I wasn't even thinking about stealing it until -Pillsworth came along and asked me about it."</p> - -<p>"Don't tell me this Pillsworth persuaded you to take the bus?"</p> - -<p>"Well, the money was quite an inducement."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>For a moment, the judge appeared to brood into space, then, decisively, -he turned to Sergeant Feeney.</p> - -<p>"Wake this Pillsworth monster up," he said.</p> - -<p>"Yes, your honor," the sergeant said and advanced toward Marc.</p> - -<p>"I'll help," Floss said, joining him. "I'll loosen his tie."</p> - -<p>"Thanks, miss," the sergeant said. "And I'll rub his wrists."</p> - -<p>The court became quiet with speculation as Floss and the sergeant -labored to arouse Marc. The stillness was soon shattered, however, as -the door at the rear flew open and Julie, followed by Mario, flew down -the aisle, her eyes ablaze.</p> - -<p>"Stop!" she yelled. "Stop everything!"</p> - -<p>"Madam!" the judge said, "the court is in session!"</p> - -<p>"That's just fine," Julie said. She looked around wildly. "Where is he? -Have you got him under restraint?"</p> - -<p>"Have we got whom under restraint?"</p> - -<p>"My husband, Marcus Pillsworth. Is he tied up?"</p> - -<p>"He's under arrest," the judge said. "Should he be under restraint, -too?"</p> - -<p>"Should he!" Julie said. "He's mad! He tried to shoot us and when that -didn't work he chased us with this frightful bus!"</p> - -<p>"How awful!" the judge said. "Your husband appears to be a one-man -crime wave."</p> - -<p>"Then he took the silver and my jewelry!" Julie nodded. She turned to -Mario. "Isn't that right, Mario?"</p> - -<p>"Yes, Madonna," Mario said.</p> - -<p>The judge shook his head. "Your husband hasn't missed a trick today. I -never saw anyone so hell-bent for criminality."</p> - -<p>"I want a divorce!" Julie cried. "I...."</p> - -<p>The judge held up a hand. "Just a minute!" he cried. "I'm losing -track." He consulted the sheaf of reports before him. "Now, taking it -from the beginning, your husband's crimes, since only this morning, -include possession of lewd pictures, jail breaking, destruction of -private property, resisting arrest, disturbing the peace, assaulting -seven officers, collusion in an automobile theft, lewd and immoral -conduct, two attempts at murder, harboring criminals and, now, grand -larceny and perhaps an insurance swindle." The judge paused for breath. -"That's just hitting the high points."</p> - -<p>"I want a divorce!" Julie insisted.</p> - -<p>"You certainly shouldn't have any trouble getting one," the judge said -firmly.</p> - -<p>The skinny nudist, stirred uneasily. "Your honor," he said timidly, -"what about our leaves? Now, they're beginning to dry out. They may -even fall!"</p> - -<p>The judge started, banging the gavel with reflexive nervousness. "Your -leaves are entirely your own responsibility!" he snapped. "If they're -drying out, then just don't rustle them."</p> - -<p>"That doesn't allow us much freedom of movement," the nudist said.</p> - -<p>"From what I've heard, that's probably all for the best. And if I hear -any rustling I'll know what to make of it." The judge turned back to -Julie. "After your husband answers the charges...."</p> - -<p>At this point, Marc, responding to treatment, sat up and opened his -eyes. He looked around at the assemblage and smiled bewilderedly.</p> - -<p>"Fiend!" the judge thundered.</p> - -<p>"Hold him back!" Julie screamed. "Don't let him near me!"</p> - -<p>Marc started violently, and Floss put out a hand to steady him.</p> - -<p>"Get your sticky hands off that man!" a voice hissed.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Everyone turned in surprise to see Toffee, newly reinstated to the -realm of reality, move forward.</p> - -<p>"I was only tryin' to help," Floss said defensively.</p> - -<p>"I saw you palm that wallet," Toffee said hotly. "Put it back, you -camp-following kewpie before I crack your plaster!"</p> - -<p>"Okay," Floss said, replacing the wallet, "but I guess I've got as much -right to him as you."</p> - -<p>"You've also got a right to be carried out of here feet first!" Toffee -said. Doubling her fists, she stepped forward. "What kind of flowers do -you want on your coffin?"</p> - -<p>"Why, you redheaded hellcat...."</p> - -<p>The gavel banged thunderously. "Just what's going on here?" the judge -roared, leaning across the bench. He pointed to Toffee. "How did you -get in here?"</p> - -<p>Toffee moved sinuously toward the bench. "Don't upset yourself with -worrisome details, judge," she smiled. "Let's just stop flubbing around -here and get on the ball."</p> - -<p>"What!" the judge yelled.</p> - -<p>"You're far too upset to handle the situation sensibly. Anyone can see -that."</p> - -<p>"Are you in contempt of court?" the judge wheezed.</p> - -<p>"Please don't ask me that, judge," Toffee said sweetly. "Let's be -friends."</p> - -<p>"Now, look here...."</p> - -<p>"Be calm, judge!" Toffee said. "If you don't settle down we'll have to -find someone else. Now, who's being charged with what around here?"</p> - -<p>"Who is that woman?" Julie demanded sharply.</p> - -<p>Toffee smiled at her winsomely. "It would only upset you to know, -dear," she murmured.</p> - -<p>The gavel banged again, announcing that the judge had regained the gift -of speech. "Silence in the court!" he bellowed. He turned eyes heavy -with vexation on Toffee's pert face. "If I give you a resume of the -court's activities until the awful moment of your intrusion, will that -make you feel sufficiently included in things?"</p> - -<p>"That would be fine, judge," Toffee said pleasantly.</p> - -<p>"God in heaven!" the judge moaned and took a deep breath. In a rumbling -voice he enumerated again the list of Marc's crimes. As he did so, -Marc's expression became more and more incredulous.</p> - -<p>"But that's not true!" he cried out. "Almost none of it, judge!"</p> - -<p>"Certainly it isn't," Toffee said. "In the first place, those lewd -pictures were planted on him."</p> - -<p>"That's right, judge," Hotstuff said contritely. "I eased 'em onto him."</p> - -<p>"And he didn't wreck any store, either," Toffee said hotly. "It was the -sergeant and his clumsy chums. As for assaulting them, I'd be happy to -oblige."</p> - -<p>"And about the bus," Marc said. "I hadn't any reason to suspect it was -stolen."</p> - -<p>"I guess that's right, judge," the driver said sadly. "I didn't tell -him it wasn't mine."</p> - -<p>"There's something else you didn't get straight, judge," the skinny -nudist said. "His behavior wasn't lewd or immoral. It was just that he -had his clothes on. Naturally, we were upset."</p> - -<p>"He wasn't shootin' at anyone, either," Moose put in. "He was just -tryin' to stop us."</p> - -<p>"Wait a minute!" the judge yelled. "In a minute you'll be trying to -tell me this Pillsworth is a saint." He coughed excitedly. "I'm pleased -that you've all decided to incriminate yourselves, but you still -haven't succeeded in clearing Pillsworth. There are still the charges -of jail breaking and jewel robbery." He levelled his gaze on Marc. -"What have you got to say to that?"</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Marc's interest, however, had been diverted by Hotstuff, who, for the -past several minutes had been staring with unbroken fascination at -Mario. Overlooking Hotstuff's begonia infested shorts, Marc followed -the pickpocket's gaze across the courtroom.</p> - -<p>The first thing Marc noticed was that Mario was not comfortable under -Hotstuff's curious stare. The second was a large birthmark, roughly the -shape of an eagle, on Mario's forearm.</p> - -<p>"My word!" Marc murmured.</p> - -<p>"Mr. Pillsworth!" the judge said. "Would you mind giving your attention -to the court?"</p> - -<p>"Oh, yes, your honor," Marc said, "I was just noticing the birthmark on -Mr. Matalini's arm. Its resemblance to an eagle is remarkable."</p> - -<p>"Birthmark?" the judge said, glancing at Mario. "What birthmark?"</p> - -<p>"Well, judge," Marc said, "you can't see it. But with my eyes the way -they are...."</p> - -<p>"Mayfair Marvin!" Hotstuff ejaculated loudly. "Well, I'll be damned!"</p> - -<p>"You be quiet!" the judge said. "No one asked you anything."</p> - -<p>"But I'm telling you something!" Hotstuff said excitedly. "That guy is -Mayfair Marvin with a dye job and a moustache. He's one of the hottest -international jewel thieves in the racket!"</p> - -<p>"What!" the judge said. "Isn't there anyone innocent in this court?"</p> - -<p>Mario, who had suddenly lost his ruddy complexion, edged toward the -exit. "That's preposterous!" he said.</p> - -<p>"Yeah?" Hotstuff drawled. "Let's check that birthmark with the official -descriptions." He turned to Julie. "If you want to know where your -jewelry is, lady, just ask this bum."</p> - -<p>Stricken, Julie turned to Mario, who refused to meet her gaze.</p> - -<p>"How about it, Marvin?" Hotstuff said. "Do you fork over the rocks or -do I tell the court about that job in London when...."</p> - -<p>"All right!" the bogus Mario said weakly. He turned to Julie. "If you -look under the hedge at the end of the drive you'll find your jewelry -buried there. I meant to come back for it later, after a fortuitous -call to the bedside of my dying mother."</p> - -<p>"Sergeant Feeney," the judge said, "grab that man and have him locked -up."</p> - -<p>"Yes, your honor," Sergeant Feeney said and, taking Mario by the arm, -relievedly escorted him from the room. As he did so, Julie buried her -face in her hands and began to cry.</p> - -<p>"There!" Toffee said elatedly, turning to the judge, "you see? There -goes another charge!"</p> - -<p>"There's still the one of jail breaking," the judge said spitefully. -"It simply means that the charges, instead of being centralized with -one man, are now more evenly distributed. In a minute now I'm going to -start throwing sentences around here like rice at a wedding. The lot of -you—with the exception of Mrs. Pillsworth—can start planning a nice -long retirement."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>As the judge leaned down to study and rearrange the reports before him, -Toffee turned quickly to Marc.</p> - -<p>"Do you still have the elixir?" she asked.</p> - -<p>"Huh?" Marc said, his eyes on Julie.</p> - -<p>"The elixir," Toffee said. "Give it to me!"</p> - -<p>"Oh, that," Marc murmured. He reached into his pocket, extracted the -partially filled bottle and handed it over. "Here."</p> - -<p>"Thanks," Toffee said. She advanced happily to the bench and stood for -a moment gazing soulfully into the judge's scowling countenance.</p> - -<p>"If you need some help," she said demurely, "I'll be glad to give you a -hand. You'll probably never figure it out all by yourself."</p> - -<p>"What!" the judge said, infuriated.</p> - -<p>"Well, let's face it," Toffee said innocently, "with a muckle-head like -you running the show we'll never get anywhere."</p> - -<p>"You <i>are</i> in contempt!" the judge screamed. "I thought so all along!"</p> - -<p>"Well, you must admit it's a pretty contemptible court," Toffee said. -"Nothing personal, judge, but...."</p> - -<p>"Silence!" the judge cried. "Don't say another word or I may have -to send myself up for murder! I...." The rest was lost in a fit of -coughing.</p> - -<p>Quickly, a triumphant gleam in her eye, Toffee reached to the water -pitcher at the side of the bench, emptied the elixir into it and poured -a draft for the judge.</p> - -<p>"Here, judge," she said, "pull yourself together."</p> - -<p>The judge drained the glass and, closing his eyes, leaned back in his -chair. Through the ensuing silence, Toffee returned to Marc's side.</p> - -<p>"His honor may see things a little differently now," she mused.</p> - -<p>"Why should he?" Marc said angrily. "All you've done is insult him."</p> - -<p>"I also fed him the elixir."</p> - -<p>"You—you gave him that!"</p> - -<p>"In the water," Toffee nodded. "I hope it works."</p> - -<p>"But it's unpredictable! There's no telling how he'll react."</p> - -<p>"Any change," Toffee said, "is bound to be an improvement."</p> - -<p>During this exchange, the judge seemed to have fallen into a doze. -For a time, while the court waited breathlessly, he remained still, -then he stirred. Drowsily, he opened his eyes and sat up. Looking -enormously refreshed, he surveyed the defendants before him blankly for -a moment and then, quite astonishingly, grinned with a sort of gentle -mischievousness. He looked around at Sergeant Feeney, who had just -returned from the cells.</p> - -<p>"Well, hello, sergeant," he said. He made an inquiring gesture toward -the defendants. "Who are all these attractive people?"</p> - -<p>"Huh?" grunted Sergeant Feeney. "Why they're bein' tried, your honor."</p> - -<p>"Tried?" the judge said. "How do you mean?"</p> - -<p>"You're tryin' them, that's all," Sergeant Feeney said, puzzled.</p> - -<p>"I am!" the judge said. "Then I must stop it instantly. I assume that -when you say they're being tried, you mean someone has been very trying -with them. I can see, now that you mention it, they look a bit put out. -Well, we'll have to do something about that." He smiled at Marc and -Toffee and the others with winning graciousness. "I want you to know -that I'm grateful to you all for coming today, and I'm sorry if I've -bored you." He turned back to Sergeant Feeney. "Have I been lecturing -on the life of the mollusk again, or something like that?"</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Sergeant Feeney observed the judge quizzically. "Your honor, this is a -gang of desperate criminals and you're the judge who's...."</p> - -<p>"Oh, no, no!" the judge laughed suddenly. "Oh, you're mistaken, -sergeant! I'm no judge." His expression, however, became thoughtful. -"It's curious, though, that you should think that, because I do have a -vague recollection that I once was a judge—though it may have been a -dream—and I wanted nothing more than to forget it. I got so weary of -having to be virtuous all the time. But, I'm sure it was only a dream. -Aren't you?"</p> - -<p>"Your honor!" the skinny nudist said plaintively. "I really think -something ought to be done about our leaves!"</p> - -<p>"Your leaves?" the judge asked.</p> - -<p>"Yes, your honor. We need fresh ones desperately."</p> - -<p>"My, my," the judge said admiringly, "don't you all look cool and -comfortable, though?"</p> - -<p>"Huh?" the nudist said. "You mean you aren't sore at us any more for -being nudists?"</p> - -<p>"Sore at you?" the judge said. "Why should I be sore at you? As a -matter of fact I'll tell you a little secret." Abandoning the bench and -descending to the floor, he lifted his robes to display a pair of bare -and knobby knees. "On warm days I never wear pants!" he chortled.</p> - -<p>"My gosh!" the nudist said.</p> - -<p>"Hey, what about us?" Hotstuff said. "Are you going to let them off and -send us up for taking pot shots at Mario?"</p> - -<p>"Did you do <i>that</i>!" the judge said delightedly. "Of course I don't -know this Mario of yours, but I'm sure it did the scamp a world of good -to have his pot shot at." He looked around fondly at the assemblage. -"But what are we all doing indoors on a lovely day like this? Why don't -we all go on a picnic or something?"</p> - -<p>"Then you mean we're all dismissed?" Toffee asked. "We can go?"</p> - -<p>"Why certainly, you lovely child," the judge said benignly. "Run along -and get into some sort of beautiful mischief. And if there's anything I -can do to help...."</p> - -<p>"You've already done it," Toffee said. She turned to Marc. "Come on!"</p> - -<p>But Marc was watching Julie as she turned and started disconsolately to -leave the court.</p> - -<p>"Julie!" he called. "Julie!"</p> - -<p>"Hey, now," Toffee said, "don't tell me you're going to go chasing -after that thin blonde just because you married her once!"</p> - -<p>Marc remained heedless. "Julie!" he cried, starting after her. "Wait a -minute!"</p> - -<p>"Oh, yeah!" Toffee said and, deftly, she put her foot in front of his.</p> - -<p>Marc shot out into space head first and came up abruptly against -the leg of a table. He dropped to the floor, made a small twitching -movement and went limp.</p> - -<p>"Julie!" he murmured.</p> - -<p>"That'll show you, you big stiff," Toffee said. "You can't just toss me -aside like a...."</p> - -<p>And then, as Marc passed out, she, like the words she never finished, -faded away into nothing....</p> - -<p>"What a stunning girl," the judge murmured thoughtfully. "There's -something so elusive about her."</p> - -<p>At his side, Sergeant Feeney fainted dead away.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>In his subconscious world of gently-sloping knolls and strange feathery -trees, Marc lounged on the cool greenness and smiled up at Toffee.</p> - -<p>"Sometimes," he said, "I'm not certain which is truly real, this world -or the other."</p> - -<p>"Reality is only relative," Toffee said sagely. "After all, if you -didn't believe in me, I wouldn't exist." She leaned down close and -brushed her lips across his. "You wouldn't even be able to feel my -kiss. Reality can be happy or sad, depending on how you look at it. If -you see only the happy side of things...."</p> - -<p>She paused as the light began to flicker uncertainly in the glowing sky -above them. "It's time for you to go back now; I'll have to continue -this little sermon another time." She touched his cheek. "It's been a -lovely day, Marc. Goodbye—until we can do it all over again...."</p> - -<p>"Goodbye," Marc said, "and thanks."</p> - -<p>The light flickered again and was gone. Marc felt himself begin to -drift.</p> - -<p>"Goodbye...."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"Marc!" the voice cried.</p> - -<p>Marc looked up to find Julie bending over him. He was relieved to note -that she now appeared fully dressed.</p> - -<p>"Oh, can you ever forgive me?" Julie said. "It was Mario who suggested -I take the jewels to the country—in case he needed them for the -portrait. And when we were out by the stream this afternoon...."</p> - -<p>"Never mind," Marc said. "It's all over now, let's forget it. Will you -help me up?"</p> - -<p>Taking his arm, Julie guided him to his feet.</p> - -<p>"Look, dear," she said, "couldn't you drive back to the country with -me? A few days vacation wouldn't hurt too much, surely. You'd like to, -wouldn't you?"</p> - -<p>"I'd love to," Marc said suddenly. He took her hand in his. "Let's go."</p> - -<p>"You poor dear," Julie murmured. "I wonder how you stood it, with -everyone saying such awful things about you when you really hadn't done -anything at all."</p> - -<p>Together, they left the court and started down the walk toward the -convertible.</p> - -<p>As they left the city and started into the country, Marc pulled the car -over to the side of the highway and gave his attention to the drama of -the brilliant sunset.</p> - -<p>"Well," he sighed, "there it goes, the first day of spring."</p> - -<p>"Thank heavens," Julie said. "Now we can relax and enjoy it."</p> - -<p>But there was still a question nagging at the back of Marc's mind.</p> - -<p>"I was just thinking, dear," he said, "about your birthday...."</p> - -<p>"Birthday!" Julie said. "But that's months away yet!"</p> - -<p>"But, still," Marc said, "I was wondering what you'd like for a gift. I -thought maybe some nice pink lace underwear...."</p> - -<p>"Pink lace underwear!" Julie said. She began to laugh.</p> - -<p>"What's so funny?" Marc asked suspiciously.</p> - -<p>"Darling," Julie said, "don't you remember the pink lace underwear -mother gave me for Christmas and how I loathed it? Well, I brought it -to the country where it wouldn't matter just so I could wear it out and -get rid of it."</p> - -<p>Marc's relief came to the surface in a smile. "Then pink lace is out, -huh?"</p> - -<p>"Definitely," Julie said. "But if you insist on lingerie, get me -something wicked and black. No true siren would ever dream of letting -herself be caught in pink."</p> - -<p>Marc reached across the seat and drew her close to him. "In the spring -time," he said, "a young man's likely to get fancy."</p> - -<p>The sun, on the horizon, slid conveniently out of sight and was gone. -As it did, a breeze blew lightly through the car and somewhere, it -seemed, there was laughter.</p> - -<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LAUGHTER OF TOFFEE ***</div> -<div style='text-align:left'> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will -be renamed. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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