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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..140336d --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #65974 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/65974) diff --git a/old/65974-0.txt b/old/65974-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 2d2d348..0000000 --- a/old/65974-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,10805 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of Carry On, Jeeves, by P.G. Wodehouse - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: Carry On, Jeeves - -Author: P.G. Wodehouse - -Release Date: August 1, 2021 [eBook #65974] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -Produced by: Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online Distributed - Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CARRY ON, JEEVES *** - - - - - Carry on, Jeeves - - P.G. Wodehouse - - PENGUIN BOOKS - - Published by the Penguin Group - - Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England - - Penguin Putnam Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA - - Penguin Books Australia Ltd, 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, - Victoria 3124, Australia - - Penguin Books Canada Ltd, 10 Alcorn Avenue, Toronto, Ontario, - Canada M4V 3B2 - - Penguin Books India (P) Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, - New Delhi--110 017, India - - Penguin Books (NZ) Ltd, Cnr Rosedale and Airborne Roads, Albany, - Auckland, New Zealand - - Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue, - Rosebank 2196, South Africa - - Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, - England - - www.penguin.com - - First published in Great Britain by Herbert Jenkins Ltd 1925 - Published in Penguin Books 1957 - This edition published 1999 - 30 - - Copyright by the Trustees of the Wodehouse Estate - All rights reserved - - The moral right of the author has been asserted - - Set in 9/11pt Monotype Trump - Typeset by Rowland Phototypesetting Ltd, - Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk - Printed in England by Clays Ltd, St Ives plc - - Except in the United States of America, this book is sold subject to -the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, - re-sold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher's - prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in - which it is published and without a similar condition including this - condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser. - - ISBN-13: 978-0-140-28408-9 - ISBN-10: 0-140-28408-7 - - _All the characters in this book are - purely imaginary and have no relation whatsoever - to any living person or persons_ - - * * * * * - - - TO BERNARD LE STRANGE - - - - - Contents - - - 1--Jeeves Takes Charge 1 - - 2--The Artistic Career of Corky 27 - - 3--Jeeves and the Unbidden Guest 46 - - 4--Jeeves and the Hard-Boiled Egg 69 - - 5--The Aunt and the Sluggard 91 - - 6--The Rummy Affair of Old Biffy 121 - - 7--Without the Option 148 - - 8--Fixing it for Freddie 176 - - 9--Clustering Round Young Bingo 198 - - 10--Bertie Changes his Mind 228 - - * * * * * - - - - - 1--Jeeves Takes Charge - - -Now, touching this business of old Jeeves--my man, you know--how do -we stand? Lots of people think I'm much too dependent on him. My Aunt -Agatha, in fact, has even gone so far as to call him my keeper. Well, -what I say is: Why not? The man's a genius. From the collar upward he -stands alone, I gave up trying to run my own affairs within a week of -his coming to me. That was about half a dozen years ago, directly after -the rather rummy business of Florence Craye, my Uncle Willoughby's -book, and Edwin, the Boy Scout. - -The thing really began when I got back to Easeby, my uncle's place in -Shropshire. I was spending a week or so there, as I generally did in -the summer; and I had had to break my visit to come back to London -to get a new valet. I had found Meadowes, the fellow I had taken to -Easeby with me, sneaking my silk socks, a thing no bloke of spirit -could stick at any price. It transpiring, moreover, that he had looted -a lot of other things here and there about the place, I was reluctantly -compelled to hand the misguided blighter the mitten and go to London -to ask the registry office to dig up another specimen for my approval. -They sent me Jeeves. - -I shall always remember the morning he came. It so happened that the -night before I had been present at a rather cheery little supper, and -I was feeling pretty rocky. On top of this I was trying to read a book -Florence Craye had given me. She had been one of the house-party at -Easeby, and two or three days before I left we had got engaged. I was -due back at the end of the week, and I knew she would expect me to -have finished the book by then. You see, she was particularly keen on -boosting me up a bit nearer her own plane of intellect. She was a girl -with a wonderful profile, but steeped to the gills in serious purpose. -I can't give you a better idea of the way things stood than by telling -you that the book she'd given me to read was called _Types of Ethical -Theory_, and that when I opened it at random I struck a page beginning: - - The postulate or common understanding involved in speech is - certainly co-extensive, in the obligation it carries, with the - social organism of which language is the instrument, and the ends - of which it is an effort to subserve. - -All perfectly true, no doubt; but not the sort of thing to spring on a -lad with a morning head. - -I was doing my best to skim through this bright little volume when -the bell rang. I crawled off the sofa and opened the door. A kind of -darkish sort of respectful Johnnie stood without. - -'I was sent by the agency, sir,' he said. 'I was given to understand -that you required a valet.' - -I'd have preferred an undertaker; but I told him to stagger in, and -he floated noiselessly through the doorway like a healing zephyr. -That impressed me from the start. Meadowes had had flat feet and used -to clump. This fellow didn't seem to have any feet at all. He just -streamed in. He had a grave, sympathetic face, as if he, too, knew what -it was to sup with the lads. - -'Excuse me, sir,' he said gently. - -Then he seemed to flicker, and wasn't there any longer. I heard him -moving about in the kitchen, and presently he came back with a glass on -a tray. - -'If you would drink this, sir,' he said, with a kind of bedside manner, -rather like the royal doctor shooting the bracer into the sick prince. -'It is a little preparation of my own invention. It is the Worcester -Sauce that gives it its colour. The raw egg makes it nutritious. The -red pepper gives it its bite. Gentlemen have told me they have found it -extremely invigorating after a late evening.' - -I would have clutched at anything that looked like a lifeline that -morning. I swallowed the stuff. For a moment I felt as if somebody had -touched off a bomb inside the old bean and was strolling down my throat -with a lighted torch, and then everything seemed suddenly to get all -right. The sun shone in through the window; birds twittered in the -tree-tops; and, generally speaking, hope dawned once more. - -'You're engaged!' I said, as soon as I could say anything. - -I perceived clearly that this cove was one of the world's workers, the -sort no home should be without. - -'Thank you, sir. My name is Jeeves.' - -'You can start in at once?' - -'Immediately, sir.' - -'Because I'm due down at Easeby, in Shropshire, the day after tomorrow.' - -'Very good, sir.' He looked past me at the mantelpiece. 'That is an -excellent likeness of Lady Florence Craye, sir. It is two years since -I saw her ladyship. I was at one time in Lord Worplesdon's employment. -I tendered my resignation because I could not see eye to eye with his -lordship in his desire to dine in dress trousers, a flannel shirt, and -a shooting coat.' - -He couldn't tell me anything I didn't know about the old boy's -eccentricity. This Lord Worplesdon was Florence's father. He was the -old buster who, a few years later, came down to breakfast one morning, -lifted the first cover he saw, said 'Eggs! Eggs! Eggs! Damn all eggs!' -in an overwrought sort of voice, and instantly legged it for France, -never to return to the bosom of his family. This, mind you, being a bit -of luck for the bosom of the family, for old Worplesdon had the worst -temper in the county. - -I had known the family ever since I was a kid, and from boyhood up this -old boy had put the fear of death into me. Time, the great healer, -could never remove from my memory the occasion when he found me--then -a stripling of fifteen--smoking one of his special cigars in the -stables. He got after me with a hunting-crop just at the moment when I -was beginning to realize that what I wanted most on earth was solitude -and repose, and chased me more than a mile across difficult country. -If there was a flaw, so to speak, in the pure joy of being engaged -to Florence, it was the fact that she rather took after her father, -and one was never certain when she might erupt. She had a wonderful -profile, though. - -'Lady Florence and I are engaged, Jeeves,' I said. - -'Indeed, sir?' - -You know, there was a kind of rummy something about his manner. -Perfectly all right and all that, but not what you'd call chirpy. -It somehow gave me the impression that he wasn't keen on Florence. -Well, of course, it wasn't my business. I supposed that while he had -been valeting old Worplesdon she must have trodden on his toes in -some way. Florence was a dear girl, and, seen sideways, most awfully -good-looking; but if she had a fault it was a tendency to be a bit -imperious with the domestic staff. - -At this point in the proceedings there was another ring at the front -door. Jeeves shimmered out and came back with a telegram. I opened it. -It ran: - - Return immediately. Extremely urgent. Catch first train. Florence. - -'Rum!' I said. - -'Sir?' - -'Oh, nothing!' - -It shows how little I knew Jeeves in those days that I didn't go a -bit deeper into the matter with him. Nowadays I would never dream of -reading a rummy communication without asking him what he thought of -it. And this one was devilish odd. What I mean is, Florence knew I was -going back to Easeby the day after tomorrow, anyway; so why the hurry -call? Something must have happened, of course; but I couldn't see what -on earth it could be. - -'Jeeves,' I said, 'we shall be going down to Easeby this afternoon. Can -you manage it?' - -'Certainly, sir.' - -'You can get your packing done and all that?' - -'Without any difficulty, sir. Which suit will you wear for the journey?' - -'This one.' - -I had on a rather sprightly young check that morning, to which I was a -good deal attached; I fancied it, in fact, more than a little. It was -perhaps rather sudden till you got used to it, but, nevertheless, an -extremely sound effort, which many lads at the club and elsewhere had -admired unrestrainedly. - -'Very good, sir.' - -Again there was that kind of rummy something in his manner. It was -the way he said it, don't you know. He didn't like the suit. I pulled -myself together to assert myself. Something seemed to tell me that, -unless I was jolly careful and nipped this lad in the bud, he would -be starting to boss me. He had the aspect of a distinctly resolute -blighter. - -Well, I wasn't going to have any of that sort of thing, by Jove! -I'd seen so many cases of fellows who had become perfect slaves to -their valets. I remember poor old Aubrey Fothergill telling me--with -absolute tears in his eyes, poor chap!--one night at the club, that -he had been compelled to give up a favourite pair of brown shoes -simply because Meekyn, his man, disapproved of them. You have to -keep these fellows in their place, don't you know. You have to work -the good old iron-hand-in-the-velvet-glove wheeze. If you give them a -what's-its-name, they take a thingummy. - -'Don't you like this suit, Jeeves?' I said coldly. - -'Oh, yes, sir.' - -'Well, what don't you like about it?' - -'It is a very nice suit, sir.' - -'Well, what's wrong with it? Out with it, dash it!' - -'If I might make the suggestion, sir, a simple brown or blue, with a -hint of some quiet twill--' - -'What absolute rot!' - -'Very good, sir.' - -'Perfectly blithering, my dear man!' - -'As you say, sir.' - -I felt as if I had stepped on the place where the last stair ought to -have been, but wasn't. I felt defiant, if you know what I mean, and -there didn't seem anything to defy. - -'All right, then,' I said. - -'Yes, sir.' - -And then he went away to collect his kit, while I started in again -on _Types of Ethical Theory_ and took a stab at a chapter headed -'Idiopsychological Ethics'. - - * * * * * - -Most of the way down in the train that afternoon, I was wondering what -could be up at the other end. I simply couldn't see what could have -happened. Easeby wasn't one of those country houses you read about in -the society novels, where young girls are lured on to play baccarat and -then skinned to the bone of their jewellery, and so on. The house-party -I had left had consisted entirely of law-abiding birds like myself. - -Besides, my uncle wouldn't have let anything of that kind go on in his -house. He was a rather stiff, precise sort of old boy, who liked a -quiet life. He was just finishing a history of the family or something, -which he had been working on for the last year, and didn't stir much -from the library. He was rather a good instance of what they say about -its being a good scheme for a fellow to sow his wild oats. I'd been -told that in his youth Uncle Willoughby had been a bit of a rounder. -You would never have thought it to look at him now. - -When I got to the house, Oakshott, the butler, told me that Florence -was in her room, watching her maid pack. Apparently there was a dance -on at a house about twenty miles away that night, and she was motoring -over with some of the Easeby lot and would be away some nights. -Oakshott said she had told him to tell her the moment I arrived; so I -trickled into the smoking-room and waited, and presently in she came. A -glance showed me that she was perturbed, and even peeved. Her eyes had -a goggly look, and altogether she appeared considerably pipped. - -'Darling!' I said, and attempted the good old embrace; but she -side-stepped like a bantam-weight. - -'Don't!' - -'What's the matter?' - -'Everything's the matter! Bertie, you remember asking me, when you -left, to make myself pleasant to your uncle?' - -'Yes.' - -The idea being, of course, that as at that time I was more or less -dependent on Uncle Willoughby I couldn't very well marry without his -approval. And though I knew he wouldn't have any objection to Florence, -having known her father since they were at Oxford together, I hadn't -wanted to take any chances; so I had told her to make an effort to -fascinate the old boy. - -'You told me it would please him particularly if I asked him to read me -some of his history of the family.' - -'Wasn't he pleased?' - -'He was delighted. He finished writing the thing yesterday afternoon, -and read me nearly all of it last night. I have never had such a shock -in my life. The book is an outrage. It is impossible. It is horrible!' - -'But, dash it, the family weren't so bad as all that.' - -'It is not a history of the family at all. Your uncle has written his -reminiscences! He calls them "Recollections of a Long Life"!' - -I began to understand. As I say, Uncle Willoughby had been somewhat on -the tabasco side as a young man, and it began to look as if he might -have turned out something pretty fruity if he had started recollecting -his long life. - -'If half of what he has written is true,' said Florence, 'your uncle's -youth must have been perfectly appalling. The moment we began to read -he plunged straight into a most scandalous story of how he and my -father were thrown out of a music-hall in 1887!' - -'Why?' - -'I decline to tell you why.' - -It must have been something pretty bad. It took a lot to make them -chuck people out of music-halls in 1887. - -'Your uncle specifically states that father had drunk a quart and a -half of champagne before beginning the evening,' she went on. 'The -book is full of stories like that. There is a dreadful one about Lord -Emsworth.' - -'Lord Emsworth? Not the one we know? Not the one at Blandings?' - -A most respectable old Johnnie, don't you know. Doesn't do a thing -nowadays but dig in the garden with a spud. - -'The very same. That is what makes the book so unspeakable. It is full -of stories about people one knows who are the essence of propriety -today, but who seem to have behaved, when they were in London in -the eighties, in a manner that would not have been tolerated in -the fo'c'sle of a whaler. Your uncle seems to remember everything -disgraceful that happened to anybody when he was in his early twenties. -There is a story about Sir Stanley Gervase-Gervase at Rosherville -Gardens which is ghastly in its perfection of detail. It seems that -Sir Stanley--but I can't tell you!' - -'Have a dash!' - -'No!' - -'Oh, well, I shouldn't worry. No publisher will print the book if it's -as bad as all that.' - -'On the contrary, your uncle told me that all negotiations are settled -with Riggs and Ballinger, and he's sending off the manuscript tomorrow -for immediate publication. They make a special thing of that sort of -book. They published Lady Carnaby's _Memories of Eighty Interesting -Years_.' - -'I read 'em!' - -'Well, then, when I tell you that Lady Carnaby's Memories are simply -not to be compared with your uncle's Recollections, you will understand -my state of mind. And father appears in nearly every story in the book! -I am horrified at the things he did when he was a young man!' - -'What's to be done?' - -'The manuscript must be intercepted before it reaches Riggs and -Ballinger, and destroyed!' - -I sat up. - -This sounded rather sporting. - -'How are you going to do it?' I inquired. - -'How can I do it? Didn't I tell you the parcel goes off tomorrow? I -am going to the Murgatroyds' dance tonight and shall not be back till -Monday. You must do it. That is why I telegraphed to you.' - -'What!' - -She gave me a look. - -'Do you mean to say you refuse to help me, Bertie?' - -'No; but--I say!' - -'It's quite simple.' - -'But even if I--What I mean is--Of course, anything I can do--but--if -you know what I mean--' - -'You say you want to marry me, Bertie?' - -'Yes, of course; but still--' - -For a moment she looked exactly like her old father. - -'I will never marry you if those Recollections are published.' - -'But, Florence, old thing!' - -'I mean it. You may look on it as a test, Bertie. If you have the -resource and courage to carry this thing through, I will take it as -evidence that you are not the vapid and shiftless person most people -think you. If you fail, I shall know that your Aunt Agatha was right -when she called you a spineless invertebrate and advised me strongly -not to marry you. It will be perfectly simple for you to intercept the -manuscript, Bertie. It only requires a little resolution.' - -'But suppose Uncle Willoughby catches me at it? He'd cut me off with a -bob.' - -'If you care more for your uncle's money than for me--' - -'No, no! Rather not!' - -'Very well, then. The parcel containing the manuscript will, of course, -be placed on the hall table tomorrow for Oakshott to take to the -village with the letters. All you have to do is to take it away and -destroy it. Then your uncle will think it has been lost in the post.' - -It sounded thin to me. - -'Hasn't he got a copy of it?' - -'No; it has not been typed. He is sending the manuscript just as he -wrote it.' - -'But he could write it over again.' - -'As if he would have the energy!' - -'But--' - -'If you are going to do nothing but make absurd objections, Bertie--' - -'I was only pointing things out.' - -'Well, don't! Once and for all, will you do me this quite simple act of -kindness?' - -The way she put it gave me an idea. - -'Why not get Edwin to do it? Keep it in the family, kind of, don't you -know. Besides, it would be a boon to the kid.' - -A jolly bright idea it seemed to me. Edwin was her young brother, who -was spending his holidays at Easeby. He was a ferret-faced kid, whom I -had disliked since birth. As a matter of fact, talking of Recollections -and Memories, it was young blighted Edwin who, nine years before, had -led his father to where I was smoking his cigar and caused all the -unpleasantness. He was fourteen now and had just joined the Boy Scouts. -He was one of those thorough kids, and took his responsibilities pretty -seriously. He was always in a sort of fever because he was dropping -behind schedule with his daily acts of kindness. However hard he tried, -he'd fall behind; and then you would find him prowling about the house, -setting such a clip to try and catch up with himself that Easeby was -rapidly becoming a perfect hell for man and beast. - -The idea didn't seem to strike Florence. - -'I shall do nothing of the kind, Bertie. I wonder you can't appreciate -the compliment I am paying you--trusting you like this.' - -'Oh, I see that all right, but what I mean is, Edwin would do it so -much better than I would. These Boy Scouts are up to all sorts of -dodges. They spoor, don't you know, and take cover and creep about, and -what-not.' - -'Bertie, will you or will you not do this perfectly trivial thing for -me? If not, say so now, and let us end this farce of pretending that -you care a snap of the fingers for me.' - -'Dear old soul, I love you devotedly!' - -'Then will you or will you not--' - -'Oh, all right,' I said. 'All right! All right! All right!' - -And then I tottered forth to think it over. I met Jeeves in the passage -just outside. - -'I beg your pardon, sir. I was endeavouring to find you.' - -'What's the matter?' - -'I felt that I should tell you, sir, that somebody has been putting -black polish on our brown walking shoes.' - -'What! Who? Why?' - -'I could not say, sir.' - -'Can anything be done with them?' - -'Nothing, sir.' - -'Damn!' - -'Very good, sir.' - - * * * * * - -I've often wondered since then how these murderer fellows manage to -keep in shape while they're contemplating their next effort. I had a -much simpler sort of job on hand, and the thought of it rattled me to -such an extent in the night watches that I was a perfect wreck next -day. Dark circles under the eyes--I give you my word! I had to call on -Jeeves to rally round with one of those life-savers of his. - -From breakfast on I felt like a bag-snatcher at a railway station. I -had to hang about waiting for the parcel to be put on the hall table, -and it wasn't put. Uncle Willoughby was a fixture in the library, -adding the finishing touches to the great work, I supposed, and the -more I thought the thing over the less I liked it. The chances against -my pulling it off seemed about three to two, and the thought of what -would happen if I didn't gave me cold shivers down the spine. Uncle -Willoughby was a pretty mild sort of old boy, as a rule, but I've known -him to cut up rough, and, by Jove, he was scheduled to extend himself -if he caught me trying to get away with his life work. - -It wasn't till nearly four that he toddled out of the library with the -parcel under his arm, put it on the table, and toddled off again. -I was hiding a bit to the south-east at the moment, behind a suit -of armour. I bounded out and legged it for the table. Then I ripped -upstairs to hide the swag. I charged in like a mustang and nearly -stubbed my toe on young blighted Edwin, the Boy Scout. He was standing -at the chest of drawers, confound him, messing about with my ties. - -'Hallo!' he said. - -'What are you doing here?' - -'I'm tidying your room. It's my last Saturday's act of kindness.' - -'Last Saturday's.' - -'I'm five days behind. I was six till last night, but I polished your -shoes.' - -'Was it you--' - -'Yes. Did you see them? I just happened to think of it. I was in here, -looking round. Mr Berkeley had this room while you were away. He left -this morning. I thought perhaps he might have left something in it that -I could have sent on. I've often done acts of kindness that way.' - -'You must be a comfort to one and all!' - -It became more and more apparent to me that this infernal kid must -somehow be turned out eftsoons or right speedily. I had hidden the -parcel behind my back, and I didn't think he had seen it; but I wanted -to get at that chest of drawers quick, before anyone else came along. - -'I shouldn't bother about tidying the room,' I said. - -'I like tidying it. It's not a bit of trouble--really.' - -'But it's quite tidy now.' - -'Not so tidy as I shall make it.' - -This was getting perfectly rotten. I didn't want to murder the kid, and -yet there didn't seem any other way of shifting him. I pressed down the -mental accelerator. The old lemon throbbed fiercely. I got an idea. - -'There's something much kinder than that which you could do,' I said. -'You see that box of cigars? Take it down to the smoking-room and snip -off the ends for me. That would save me no end of trouble. Stagger -along, laddie.' - -He seemed a bit doubtful; but he staggered. I shoved the parcel into -a drawer, locked it, trousered the key, and felt better. I might be a -chump, but, dash it, I could out-general a mere kid with a face like a -ferret. I went downstairs again. Just as I was passing the smoking-room -door out curveted Edwin. It seemed to me that if he wanted to do a real -act of kindness he would commit suicide. - -'I'm snipping them,' he said. - -'Snip on! Snip on!' - -'Do you like them snipped much, or only a bit?' - -'Medium.' - -'All right. I'll be getting on, then.' - -'I should.' - -And we parted. - - * * * * * - -Fellows who know all about that sort of thing--detectives, and so -on--will tell you that the most difficult thing in the world is to get -rid of the body. I remember, as a kid, having to learn by heart a poem -about a bird by the name of Eugene Aram, who had the deuce of a job in -this respect. All I can recall of the actual poetry is the bit that -goes: - - Tum-tum, tum-tum, tum-tumty-tum, - I slew him, tum-tum tum! - -But I recollect that the poor blighter spent much of his valuable time -dumping the corpse into ponds and burying it, and what-not, only to -have it pop out at him again. It was about an hour after I had shoved -the parcel into the drawer when I realized that I had let myself in for -just the same sort of thing. - -Florence had talked in an airy sort of way about destroying the -manuscript; but when one came down to it, how the deuce can a chap -destroy a great chunky mass of paper in somebody else's house in the -middle of summer? I couldn't ask to have a fire in my bedroom, with the -thermometer in the eighties. And if I didn't burn the thing, how else -could I get rid of it? Fellows on the battlefield eat dispatches to -keep them from falling into the hands of the enemy, but it would have -taken me a year to eat Uncle Willoughby's Recollections. - -I'm bound to say the problem absolutely baffled me. The only thing -seemed to be to leave the parcel in the drawer and hope for the best. - -I don't know whether you have ever experienced it, but it's a dashed -unpleasant thing having a crime on one's conscience. Towards the end -of the day the mere sight of the drawer began to depress me. I found -myself getting all on edge; and once when Uncle Willoughby trickled -silently into the smoking-room when I was alone there and spoke to me -before I knew he was there, I broke the record for the sitting high -jump. - -I was wondering all the time when Uncle Willoughby would sit up and -take notice. I didn't think he would have time to suspect that anything -had gone wrong till Saturday morning, when he would be expecting, -of course, to get the acknowledgement of the manuscript from the -publishers. But early on Friday evening he came out of the library as -I was passing and asked me to step in. He was looking considerably -rattled. - -'Bertie,' he said--he always spoke in a precise sort of pompous kind -of way--'an exceedingly disturbing thing has happened. As you know, I -dispatched the manuscript of my book to Messrs Riggs and Ballinger, the -publishers, yesterday afternoon. It should have reached them by the -first post this morning. Why I should have been uneasy I cannot say, -but my mind was not altogether at rest respecting the safety of the -parcel. I therefore telephoned to Messrs Riggs and Ballinger a few -moments back to make inquiries. To my consternation they informed me -that they were not yet in receipt of my manuscript.' - -'Very rum!' - -'I recollect distinctly placing it myself on the hall table in good -time to be taken to the village. But here is a sinister thing. I have -spoken to Oakshott, who took the rest of the letters to the post -office, and he cannot recall seeing it there. He is, indeed, unswerving -in his assertions that when he went to the hall to collect the letters -there was no parcel among them.' - -'Sounds funny!' - -'Bertie, shall I tell you what I suspect?' - -'What's that?' - -'The suspicion will no doubt sound to you incredible, but it alone -seems to fit the facts as we know them. I incline to the belief that -the parcel has been stolen.' - -'Oh, I say! Surely not!' - -'Wait! Hear me out. Though I have said nothing to you before, or to -anyone else, concerning the matter, the fact remains that during the -past few weeks a number of objects--some valuable, others not--have -disappeared in this house. The conclusion to which one is irresistibly -impelled is that we have a kleptomaniac in our midst. It is a -peculiarity of kleptomania, as you are no doubt aware, that the subject -is unable to differentiate between the intrinsic values of objects. He -will purloin an old coat as readily as a diamond ring, or a tobacco -pipe costing but a few shillings with the same eagerness as a purse of -gold. The fact that this manuscript of mine could be of no possible -value to any outside person convinces me that--' - -'But, uncle, one moment; I know all about those things that were -stolen. It was Meadowes, my man, who pinched them. I caught him -snaffling my silk socks. Right in the act, by Jove!' - -He was tremendously impressed. - -'You amaze me, Bertie! Send for the man at once and question him.' - -'But he isn't here. You see, directly I found that he was a -sock-sneaker I gave him the boot. That's why I went to London--to get a -new man.' - -'Then, if the man Meadowes is no longer in the house it could not be he -who purloined my manuscript. The whole thing is inexplicable.' - -After which we brooded for a bit. Uncle Willoughby pottered about the -room, registering baffledness, while I sat sucking at a cigarette, -feeling rather like a chappie I'd once read about in a book, who -murdered another cove and hid the body under the dining-room table, and -then had to be the life and soul of a dinner party, with it there all -the time. My guilty secret oppressed me to such an extent that after -a while I couldn't stick it any longer. I lit another cigarette and -started for a stroll in the grounds, by way of cooling off. - -It was one of those still evenings you get in the summer, when you can -hear a snail clear its throat a mile away. The sun was sinking over -the hills and the gnats were fooling about all over the place, and -everything smelled rather topping--what with the falling dew and so -on--and I was just beginning to feel a little soothed by the peace of -it all when suddenly I heard my name spoken. - -'It's about Bertie.' - -It was the loathsome voice of young blighted Edwin! For a moment I -couldn't locate it. Then I realized that it came from the library. My -stroll had taken me within a few yards of the open window. - -I had often wondered how those Johnnies in books did it--I mean the -fellows with whom it was the work of a moment to do about a dozen -things that ought to have taken them about ten minutes. But, as a -matter of fact, it was the work of a moment with me to chuck away my -cigarette, swear a bit, leap about ten yards, dive into a bush that -stood near the library window, and stand there with my ears flapping. I -was as certain as I've ever been of anything that all sorts of rotten -things were in the offing. - -'About Bertie?' I heard Uncle Willoughby say. - -'About Bertie and your parcel. I heard you talking to him just now. I -believe he's got it.' - -When I tell you that just as I heard these frightful words a fairly -substantial beetle of sorts dropped from the bush down the back of my -neck, and I couldn't even stir to squash the same, you will understand -that I felt pretty rotten. Everything seemed against me. - -'What do you mean, boy? I was discussing the disappearance of my -manuscript with Bertie only a moment back, and he professed himself as -perplexed by the mystery as myself.' - -'Well, I was in his room yesterday afternoon, doing him an act of -kindness, and he came in with a parcel. I could see it, though he -tried to keep it behind his back. And then he asked me to go to the -smoking-room and snip some cigars for him; and about two minutes -afterwards he came down--and he wasn't carrying anything. So it must be -in his room.' - -I understand they deliberately teach these dashed Boy Scouts to -cultivate their powers of observation and deduction and what-not. -Devilish thoughtless and inconsiderate of them, I call it. Look at the -trouble it causes. - -'It sounds incredible,' said Uncle Willoughby, thereby bucking me up a -trifle. - -'Shall I go and look in his room?' asked young blighted Edwin. 'I'm -sure the parcel's there.' - -'But what could be his motive for perpetrating this extraordinary -theft?' - -'Perhaps he's a--what you said just now.' - -'A kleptomaniac? Impossible!' - -'It might have been Bertie who took all those things from the very -start,' suggested the little brute hopefully. 'He may be like Raffles.' - -'Raffles?' - -'He's a chap in a book who went about pinching things.' - -'I cannot believe that Bertie would--ah--go about pinching things.' - -'Well, I'm sure he's got the parcel. I'll tell you what you might do. -You might say that Mr Berkeley wired that he had left something here. -He had Bertie's room, you know. You might say you wanted to look for -it.' - -'That would be possible. I--' - -I didn't wait to hear any more. Things were getting too hot. I sneaked -softly out of my bush and raced for the front door. I sprinted up to -my room and made for the drawer where I had put the parcel. And then -I found I hadn't the key. It wasn't for the deuce of a time that I -recollected I had shifted it to my evening trousers the night before -and must have forgotten to take it out again. - -Where the dickens were my evening things? I had looked all over the -place before I remembered that Jeeves must have taken them away to -brush. To leap at the bell and ring it was, with me, the work of a -moment. I had just rung it when there was a footstep outside, and in -came Uncle Willoughby. - -'Oh, Bertie,' he said, without a blush, 'I have--ah--received a -telegram from Berkeley, who occupied this room in your absence, asking -me to forward him his--er--his cigarette-case, which, it would appear, -he inadvertently omitted to take with him when he left the house. I -cannot find it downstairs; and it has, therefore, occurred to me that -he may have left it in this room. I will--er--just take a look round.' - -It was one of the most disgusting spectacles I've ever seen--this -white-haired old man, who should have been thinking of the hereafter, -standing there lying like an actor. - -'I haven't seen it anywhere,' I said. - -'Nevertheless, I will search. I must--ah--spare no effort.' - -'I should have seen it if it had been here--what?' - -'It may have escaped your notice. It is--er--possibly in one of the -drawers.' - -He began to nose about. He pulled out drawer after drawer, pottering -round like an old bloodhound, and babbling from time to time about -Berkeley and his cigarette-case in a way that struck me as perfectly -ghastly. I just stood there, losing weight every moment. - -Then he came to the drawer where the parcel was. - -'This appears to be locked,' he said, rattling the handle. - -'Yes; I shouldn't bother about that one. It--it's--er--locked, and all -that sort of thing.' - -'You have not the key?' - -A soft, respectful voice spoke behind me. - -'I fancy, sir, that this must be the key you require. It was in the -pocket of your evening trousers.' - -It was Jeeves. He had shimmered in, carrying my evening things, and was -standing there holding out the key. I could have massacred the man. - -'Thank you,' said my uncle. - -'Not at all, sir.' - -The next moment Uncle Willoughby had opened the drawer. I shut my eyes. - -'No,' said Uncle Willoughby, 'there is nothing here. The drawer -is empty. Thank you, Bertie. I hope I have not disturbed you. I -fancy--er--Berkeley must have taken his case with him after all.' - -When he had gone I shut the door carefully. Then I turned to Jeeves. -The man was putting my evening things out on a chair. - -'Er--Jeeves!' - -'Sir?' - -'Oh, nothing.' - -It was deuced difficult to know how to begin. - -'Er--Jeeves!' - -'Sir?' - -'Did you--Was there--Have you by chance--' - -'I removed the parcel this morning, sir.' - -'Oh--ah--why?' - -'I considered it more prudent, sir.' - -I mused for a while. - -'Of course, I suppose all this seems tolerably rummy to you, Jeeves?' - -'Not at all, sir. I chanced to overhear you and Lady Florence speaking -of the matter the other evening, sir.' - -'Did you, by Jove?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Well--er--Jeeves, I think that, on the whole, if you were to--as it -were--freeze on to that parcel until we get back to London--' - -'Exactly, sir.' - -'And then we might--er--so to speak--chuck it away somewhere--what?' - -'Precisely, sir.' - -'I'll leave it in your hands.' - -'Entirely, sir.' - -'You know, Jeeves, you're by way of being rather a topper.' - -'I endeavour to give satisfaction, sir.' - -'One in a million, by Jove!' - -'It is very kind of you to say so, sir.' - -'Well, that's about all, then, I think.' - -'Very good, sir.' - - * * * * * - -Florence came back on Monday. I didn't see her till we were all having -tea in the hall. It wasn't till the crowd had cleared away a bit that -we got a chance of having a word together. - -'Well, Bertie?' she said. - -'It's all right.' - -'You have destroyed the manuscript?' - -'Not exactly; but--' - -'What do you mean?' - -'I mean I haven't absolutely--' - -'Bertie, your manner is furtive!' - -'It's all right. It's this way--' - -And I was just going to explain how things stood when out of the -library came leaping Uncle Willoughby, looking as braced as a -two-year-old. The old boy was a changed man. - -'A most remarkable thing, Bertie! I have just been speaking with Mr -Riggs on the telephone, and he tells me he received my manuscript by -the first post this morning. I cannot imagine what can have caused the -delay. Our postal facilities are extremely inadequate in the rural -districts. I shall write to headquarters about it. It is insufferable -if valuable parcels are to be delayed in this fashion.' - -I happened to be looking at Florence's profile at the moment, and -at this juncture she swung round and gave me a look that went right -through me like a knife. Uncle Willoughby meandered back to the -library, and there was a silence that you could have dug bits out of -with a spoon. - -'I can't understand it,' I said at last. 'I can't understand it, by -Jove!' - -'I can. I can understand it perfectly, Bertie. Your heart failed you. -Rather than risk offending your uncle you--' - -'No, no! Absolutely!' - -'You preferred to lose me rather than risk losing the money. Perhaps -you did not think I meant what I said. I meant every word. Our -engagement is ended.' - -'But--I say!' - -'Not another word!' - -'But, Florence, old thing!' - -'I do not wish to hear any more. I see now that your Aunt Agatha was -perfectly right. I consider that I have had a very lucky escape. There -was a time when I thought that, with patience, you might be moulded -into something worth while. I see now that you are impossible!' - -And she popped off, leaving me to pick up the pieces. When I had -collected the debris to some extent I went to my room and rang for -Jeeves. He came in looking as if nothing had happened or was ever going -to happen. He was the calmest thing in captivity. - -'Jeeves!' I yelled. 'Jeeves, that parcel has arrived in London!' - -'Yes, sir?' - -'Did you send it?' - -'Yes, sir. I acted for the best, sir. I think that both you and Lady -Florence overestimated the danger of people being offended at being -mentioned in Sir Willoughby's Recollections. It has been my experience, -sir, that the normal person enjoys seeing his or her name in print, -irrespective of what is said about them. I have an aunt, sir, who a -few years ago was a martyr to swollen limbs. She tried Walkinshaw's -Supreme Ointment and obtained considerable relief--so much so that -she sent them an unsolicited testimonial. Her pride at seeing her -photograph in the daily papers in connexion with descriptions of her -lower limbs before taking, which were nothing less than revolting, was -so intense that it led me to believe that publicity, of whatever sort, -is what nearly everybody desires. Moreover, if you have ever studied -psychology, sir, you will know that respectable old gentlemen are by no -means averse to having it advertised that they were extremely wild in -their youth. I have an uncle--' - -I cursed his aunts and his uncles and him and all the rest of the -family. - -'Do you know that Lady Florence has broken off her engagement with me?' - -'Indeed, sir?' - -Not a bit of sympathy! I might have been telling him it was a fine day. - -'You're sacked!' - -'Very good, sir.' - -He coughed gently. - -'As I am no longer in your employment, sir, I can speak freely without -appearing to take a liberty. In my opinion you and Lady Florence were -quite unsuitably matched. Her ladyship is of a highly determined -and arbitrary temperament, quite opposed to your own. I was in Lord -Worplesdon's service for nearly a year, during which time I had -ample opportunities of studying her ladyship. The opinion of the -servants' hall was far from favourable to her. Her ladyship's temper -caused a good deal of adverse comment among us. It was at times quite -impossible. You would not have been happy, sir!' - -'Get out!' - -'I think you would also have found her educational methods a little -trying, sir. I have glanced at the book her ladyship gave you--it has -been lying on your table since our arrival--and it is, in my opinion, -quite unsuitable. You would not have enjoyed it. And I have it from her -ladyship's own maid, who happened to overhear a conversation between -her ladyship and one of the gentlemen staying here--Mr Maxwell, who is -employed in an editorial capacity by one of the reviews--that it was -her intention to start you almost immediately upon Nietzsche. You would -not enjoy Nietzsche, sir. He is fundamentally unsound.' - -'Get out!' - -'Very good, sir.' - - * * * * * - -It's rummy how sleeping on a thing often makes you feel quite different -about it. It's happened to me over and over again. Somehow or other, -when I woke next morning the old heart didn't feel half so broken as -it had done. It was a perfectly topping day, and there was something -about the way the sun came in at the window and the row the birds were -kicking up in the ivy that made me half wonder whether Jeeves wasn't -right. After all, though she had a wonderful profile, was it such a -catch being engaged to Florence Craye as the casual observer might -imagine? Wasn't there something in what Jeeves had said about her -character? I began to realize that my ideal wife was something quite -different, something a lot more clinging and drooping and prattling, -and what-not. - -I had got as far as this in thinking the thing out when that _Types of -Ethical Theory_ caught my eye. I opened it, and I give you my honest -word this was what hit me: - - Of the two antithetic terms in the Greek philosophy one only was - real and self-subsisting; and that one was Ideal Thought as opposed - to that which it has to penetrate and mould. The other, - corresponding to our Nature, was in itself phenomenal, unreal, - without any permanent footing, having no predicates that held true - for two moments together; in short, redeemed from negation only by - including indwelling realities appearing through. - -Well--I mean to say--what? And Nietzsche, from all accounts, a lot -worse than that! - -'Jeeves,' I said, when he came in with my morning tea, 'I've been -thinking it over. You're engaged again.' - -'Thank you, sir.' - -I sucked down a cheerful mouthful. A great respect for this bloke's -judgement began to soak through me. - -'Oh, Jeeves,' I said; 'about that check suit.' - -'Yes, sir?' - -'Is it really a frost?' - -'A trifle too bizarre, sir, in my opinion.' - -'But lots of fellows have asked me who my tailor is.' - -'Doubtless in order to avoid him, sir.' - -'He's supposed to be one of the best men in London.' - -'I am saying nothing against his moral character, sir.' - -I hesitated a bit. I had a feeling that I was passing into this -chappie's clutches, and that if I gave in now I should become just like -poor old Aubrey Fothergill, unable to call my soul my own. On the other -hand, this was obviously a cove of rare intelligence, and it would be a -comfort in a lot of ways to have him doing the thinking for me. I made -up my mind. - -'All right, Jeeves,' I said. 'You know! Give the bally thing away to -somebody!' - -He looked down at me like a father gazing tenderly at the wayward child. - -'Thank you, sir. I gave it to the under-gardener last night. A little -more tea, sir?' - - - - - 2--The Artistic Career of Corky - - -You will notice, as you flit through these reminiscences of mine, that -from time to time the scene of action is laid in and around the city of -New York; and it is just possible that this may occasion the puzzled -look and the start of surprise. 'What,' it is possible that you may ask -yourselves, 'is Bertram doing so far from his beloved native land?' - -Well, it's a fairly longish story; but, reefing it down a bit and -turning it for the nonce into a two-reeler, what happened was that my -Aunt Agatha on one occasion sent me over to America to try to stop -young Gussie, my cousin, marrying a girl on the vaudeville stage, and -I got the whole thing so mixed up that I decided it would be a sound -scheme to stop on in New York for a bit instead of going back and -having long, cosy chats with her about the affair. - -So I sent Jeeves out to find a decent flat, and settled down for a -spell of exile. - -I'm bound to say New York's a most sprightly place to be exiled in. -Everybody was awfully good to me, and there seemed to be plenty of -things going on so, take it for all in all, I didn't undergo any -frightful hardships. Blokes introduced me to other blokes, and so on -and so forth, and it wasn't long before I knew squads of the right -sort, some who rolled in the stuff in houses up by the Park, and -others who lived with the gas turned down mostly around Washington -Square--artists and writers and so forth. Brainy coves. - -Corky, the bird I am about to treat of, was one of the artists. -A portrait-painter, he called himself, but as a matter of fact -his score up to date had been nil. You see, the catch about -portrait-painting--I've looked into the thing a bit--is that you -can't start painting portraits till people come along and ask you to, -and they won't come and ask you to until you've painted a lot first. -This makes it kind of difficult, not to say tough, for the ambitious -youngster. - -Corky managed to get along by drawing an occasional picture for the -comic papers--he had rather a gift for funny stuff when he got a good -idea--and doing bedsteads and chairs and things for the advertisements. -His principal source of income, however, was derived from biting -the ear of a rich uncle--one Alexander Worple, who was in the jute -business. I'm a bit foggy as to what jute is, but it's apparently -something the populace is pretty keen on, for Mr Worple had made quite -an indecently large stack out of it. - -Now, a great many fellows think that having a rich uncle is a pretty -soft snap; but, according to Corky, such is not the case. Corky's uncle -was a robust sort of cove, who looked like living for ever. He was -fifty-one, and it seemed as if he might go to par. It was not this, -however, that distressed poor Corky, for he was not bigoted and had no -objection to the man going on living. What Corky kicked at was the way -the above Worple used to harry him. - -Corky's uncle, you see, didn't want him to be an artist. He didn't -think he had any talent in that direction. He was always urging him -to chuck Art and go into the jute business and start at the bottom -and work his way up. And what Corky said was that, while he didn't -know what they did at the bottom of a jute business, instinct told him -that it was something too beastly for words. Corky, moreover, believed -in his future as an artist. Some day, he said, he was going to make -a hit. Meanwhile, by using the utmost tact and persuasiveness, he -was inducing his uncle to cough up very grudgingly a small quarterly -allowance. - -He wouldn't have got this if his uncle hadn't had a hobby. Mr Worple -was peculiar in this respect. As a rule, from what I've observed, the -American captain of industry doesn't do anything out of business hours. -When he has put the cat out and locked up the office for the night, -he just relapses into a state of coma from which he emerges only to -start being a captain of industry again. But Mr Worple in his spare -time was what is known as an ornithologist. He had written a book -called _American Birds_, and was writing another, to be called _More -American Birds_. When he had finished that, the presumption was that -he would begin a third, and keep on till the supply of American birds -gave out. Corky used to go to him about once every three months and let -him talk about American birds. Apparently you could do what you liked -with old Worple if you gave him his head first on his pet subject, so -these little chats used to make Corky's allowance all right for the -time being. But it was pretty rotten for the poor chap. There was the -frightful suspense, you see, and, apart from that, birds, except when -broiled and in the society of a cold bottle, bored him stiff. - -To complete the character-study of Mr Worple, he was a man of extremely -uncertain temper, and his general tendency was to think that Corky was -a poor chump and that whatever step he took in any direction on his own -account was just another proof of his innate idiocy. I should imagine -Jeeves feels very much the same about me. - -So when Corky trickled into my apartment one afternoon, shooing a girl -in front of him, and said, 'Bertie, I want you to meet my fiancée, Miss -Singer,' the aspect of the matter which hit me first was precisely the -one which he had come to consult me about. The very first words I -spoke were, 'Corky, how about your uncle?' - -The poor chap gave one of those mirthless laughs. He was looking -anxious and worried, like a man who has done the murder all right but -can't think what the deuce to do with the body. - -'We're so scared, Mr Wooster,' said the girl. 'We were hoping that you -might suggest a way of breaking it to him.' - -Muriel Singer was one of those very quiet, appealing girls who have a -way of looking at you with their big eyes as if they thought you were -the greatest thing on earth and wondered that you hadn't got on to it -yet yourself. She sat there in a sort of shrinking way, looking at me -as if she were saying to herself, 'Oh, I do hope this great strong -man isn't going to hurt me.' She gave a fellow a protective kind of -feeling, made him want to stroke her hand and say, 'There, there, -little one!' or words to that effect. She made me feel that there -was nothing I wouldn't do for her. She was rather like one of those -innocent-tasting American drinks which creep imperceptibly into your -system so that, before you know what you're doing, you're starting out -to reform the world by force if necessary and pausing on your way to -tell the large man in the corner that, if he looks at you like that, -you will knock his head off. What I mean is, she made me feel alert and -dashing, like a knight-errant or something of that kind. I felt that I -was with her in this thing to the limit. - -'I don't see why your uncle shouldn't be most awfully bucked,' I said -to Corky. 'He will think Miss Singer the ideal wife for you.' - -Corky declined to cheer up. - -'You don't know him. Even if he did like Muriel, he wouldn't admit -it. That's the sort of pig-headed ass he is. It would be a matter of -principle with him to kick. All he would consider would be that I had -gone and taken an important step without asking his advice, and he -would raise Cain automatically. He's always done it.' - -I strained the old bean to meet this emergency. - -'You want to work it so that he makes Miss Singer's acquaintance -without knowing that you know her. Then you come along--' - -'But how can I work it that way?' - -I saw his point. That was the catch. - -'There's only one thing to do,' I said. - -'What's that?' - -'Leave it to Jeeves.' - -And I rang the bell. - -'Sir?' said Jeeves, kind of manifesting himself. One of the rummy -things about Jeeves is that, unless you watch like a hawk, you very -seldom see him come into a room. He's like one of those weird birds in -India who dissolve themselves into thin air and nip through space in a -sort of disembodied way and assemble the parts again just where they -want them. I've got a cousin who's what they call a Theosophist, and -he says he's often nearly worked the thing himself, but couldn't quite -bring it off, probably owing to having fed in his boyhood on the flesh -of animals slain in anger and pie. - -The moment I saw the man standing there, registering respectful -attention, a weight seemed to roll off my mind. I felt like a lost -child who spots his father in the offing. - -'Jeeves,' I said, 'we want your advice.' - -'Very good, sir.' - -I boiled down Corky's painful case into a few well-chosen words. - -'So you see what it amounts to, Jeeves. We want you to suggest some way -by which Mr Worple can make Miss Singer's acquaintance without getting -on to the fact that Mr Corcoran already knows her. Understand?' - -'Perfectly, sir.' - -'Well, try to think of something.' - -'I have thought of something already, sir.' - -'You have!' - -'The scheme I would suggest cannot fail of success, but it has what may -seem to you a drawback, sir, in that it requires a certain financial -outlay.' - -'He means,' I translated to Corky, 'that he has got a pippin of an -idea, but it's going to cost a bit.' - -Naturally the poor chap's face dropped, for this seemed to dish the -whole thing. But I was still under the influence of the girl's melting -gaze, and I saw that this was where I started in as the knight-errant. - -'You can count on me for all that sort of thing, Corky,' I said. 'Only -too glad. Carry on, Jeeves.' - -'I would suggest, sir, that Mr Corcoran take advantage of Mr Worple's -attachment to ornithology.' - -'How on earth did you know that he was fond of birds?' - -'It is the way these New York apartments are constructed, sir. Quite -unlike our London houses. The partitions between the rooms are of the -flimsiest nature. With no wish to overhear, I have sometimes heard Mr -Corcoran expressing himself with a generous strength on the subject I -have mentioned.' - -'Oh! Well?' - -'Why should not the young lady write a small volume, to be -entitled--let us say--_The Children's Book of American Birds_ and -dedicate it to Mr Worple? A limited edition could be published at -your expense, sir, and a great deal of the book would, of course, be -given over to eulogistic remarks concerning Mr Worple's own larger -treatise on the same subject. I should recommend the dispatching of a -presentation copy to Mr Worple, immediately on publication, accompanied -by a letter in which the young lady asks to be allowed to make the -acquaintance of one to whom she owes so much. This would, I fancy, -produce the desired result, but as I say, the expense involved would be -considerable.' - -I felt like the proprietor of a performing dog on the vaudeville stage -when the tyke has just pulled off his trick without a hitch. I had -betted on Jeeves all along, and I had known that he wouldn't let me -down. It beats me sometimes why a man with his genius is satisfied to -hang around pressing my clothes and what-not. If I had half Jeeves's -brain I should have a stab at being Prime Minister or something. - -'Jeeves,' I said, 'that is absolutely ripping! One of your very best -efforts.' - -'Thank you, sir.' - -The girl made an objection. - -'But I'm sure I couldn't write a book about anything. I can't even -write good letters.' - -'Muriel's talents,' said Corky, with a little cough, 'lie more in the -direction of the drama, Bertie. I didn't mention it before, but one of -our reasons for being a trifle nervous as to how Uncle Alexander will -receive the news is that Muriel is in the chorus of that show _Choose -your Exit_ at the Manhattan. It's absurdly unreasonable, but we both -feel that that fact might increase Uncle Alexander's natural tendency -to kick like a steer.' - -I saw what he meant. I don't know why it is--one of these psychology -sharps could explain it, I suppose--but uncles and aunts, as a class, -are always dead against the drama, legitimate or otherwise. They don't -seem able to stick it at any price. - -But Jeeves had a solution, of course. - -'I fancy it would be a simple matter, sir, to find some impecunious -author who would be glad to do the actual composition of the volume for -a small fee. It is only necessary that the young lady's name should -appear on the title page.' - -'That's true,' said Corky. 'Sam Patterson would do it for a hundred -dollars. He writes a novelette, three short stories, and ten thousand -words of a serial for one of the all-fiction magazines under different -names every month. A little thing like this would be nothing to him. -I'll get after him right away.' - -'Fine!' - -'Will that be all, sir?' said Jeeves. 'Very good, sir. Thank you, sir.' - - * * * * * - -I always used to think that publishers had to be devilish intelligent -fellows, loaded down with the grey matter; but I've got their number -now. All a publisher has to do is to write cheques at intervals, while -a lot of deserving and industrious chappies rally round and do the real -work. I know, because I've been one myself. I simply sat tight in the -old flat with a fountain-pen, and in due season a topping, shiny book -came along. - -I happened to be down at Corky's place when the first copies of _The -Children's Book of American Birds_ bobbed up. Muriel Singer was there, -and we were talking of things in general when there was a bang at the -door and the parcel was delivered. - -It was certainly some book. It had a red cover with a fowl of some -species on it, and underneath the girl's name in gold letters. I opened -a copy at random. - -'Often of a spring morning,' it said at the top of page twenty-one, -'as you wander through the fields, you will hear the sweet-toned, -carelessly flowing warble of the purple finch linnet. When you are -older you must read all about him in Mr Alexander Worple's wonderful -book, _American Birds_.' - -You see. A boost for the uncle right away. And only a few pages later -there he was in the limelight again in connexion with the yellow-billed -cuckoo. It was great stuff. The more I read, the more I admired the -chap who had written it and Jeeves's genius in putting us on to the -wheeze. I didn't see how the uncle could fail to drop. You can't call a -chap the world's greatest authority on the yellow-billed cuckoo without -rousing a certain disposition towards chumminess in him. - -'It's a cert!' I said. - -'An absolute cinch!' said Corky. - -And a day or two later he meandered up the Avenue to my flat to tell me -that all was well. The uncle had written Muriel a letter so dripping -with the milk of human kindness that if he hadn't known Mr Worple's -handwriting Corky would have refused to believe him the author of it. -Any time it suited Miss Singer to call, said the uncle, he would be -delighted to make her acquaintance. - - * * * * * - -Shortly after this I had to go out of town. Divers sound sportsmen -had invited me to pay visits to their country places, and it wasn't -for several months that I settled down in the city again. I had been -wondering a lot, of course, about Corky, whether it all turned out -right, and so forth, and my first evening in New York, happening to -pop into a quiet sort of little restaurant which I go to when I don't -feel inclined for the bright lights, I found Muriel Singer there, -sitting by herself at a table near the door. Corky, I took it, was out -telephoning. I went up and passed the time of day. - -'Well, well, well, what?' I said. - -'Why, Mr Wooster! How do you do?' - -'Corky around?' - -'I beg your pardon?' - -'You're waiting for Corky, aren't you?' - -'Oh, I didn't understand. No, I'm not waiting for him.' - -It seemed to me that there was a sort of something in her voice, a kind -of thingummy, you know. - -'I say, you haven't had a row with Corky, have you?' - -'A row?' - -'A spat, don't you know--little misunderstanding--faults on both -sides--er--and all that sort of thing.' - -'Why, whatever makes you think that?' - -'Oh, well, as it were, what? What I mean is--I thought you usually -dined with him before you went to the theatre.' - -'I've left the stage now.' - -Suddenly the whole thing dawned on me. I had forgotten what a long time -I had been away. - -'Why, of course, I see now! You're married!' - -'Yes.' - -'How perfectly topping! I wish you all kinds of happiness.' - -'Thank you so much. Oh, Alexander,' she said, looking past me, 'this is -a friend of mine--Mr Wooster.' - -I spun round. A bloke with a lot of stiff grey hair and a red sort -of healthy face was standing there. Rather a formidable Johnnie, he -looked, though peaceful at the moment. - -'I want you to meet my husband, Mr Wooster. Mr Wooster is a friend of -Bruce's, Alexander.' - -The old boy grasped my hand warmly, and that was all that kept me from -hitting the floor in a heap. The place was rocking. Absolutely. - -'So you know my nephew, Mr Wooster?' I heard him say. 'I wish you would -try to knock a little sense into him and make him quit this playing at -painting. But I have an idea that he is steadying down. I noticed it -first that night he came to dinner with us, my dear, to be introduced -to you. He seemed altogether quieter and more serious. Something seemed -to have sobered him. Perhaps you will give us the pleasure of your -company at dinner tonight, Mr Wooster? Or have you dined?' - -I said I had. What I needed then was air, not dinner. I felt that I -wanted to get into the open and think this thing out. - -When I reached my flat I heard Jeeves moving about in his lair. I -called him. - -'Jeeves,' I said, 'now is the time for all good men to come to the aid -of the party. A stiff b-and-s first of all, and then I've a bit of news -for you.' - -He came back with a tray and a long glass. - -'Better have one yourself, Jeeves. You'll need it.' - -'Later on, perhaps, thank you, sir.' - -'All right. Please yourself. But you're going to get a shock. You -remember my friend, Mr Corcoran?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'And the girl who was to slide gracefully into his uncle's esteem by -writing the book on birds?' - -'Perfectly, sir.' - -'Well, she's slid. She's married the uncle.' - -He took it without blinking. You can't rattle Jeeves. - -'That was always a development to be feared, sir.' - -'You don't mean to tell me that you were expecting it?' - -'It crossed my mind as a possibility.' - -'Did it, by Jove! Well, I think you might have warned us!' - -'I hardly liked to take the liberty, sir.' - - * * * * * - -Of course, as I saw after I had had a bite to eat and was in a calmer -frame of mind, what had happened wasn't my fault, if you came down to -it. I couldn't be expected to foresee that the scheme, in itself a -cracker-jack, would skid into the ditch as it had done; but all the -same I'm bound to admit that I didn't relish the idea of meeting Corky -again until time, the great healer, had been able to get in a bit of -soothing work. I cut Washington Square out absolutely for the next few -months. I gave it the complete miss-in-baulk. And then, just when I -was beginning to think I might safely pop down in that direction and -gather up the dropped threads, so to speak, time, instead of working -the healing wheeze, went and pulled the most awful bone and put the lid -on it. Opening the paper one morning, I read that Mrs Alexander Worple -had presented her husband with a son and heir. - -I was so dashed sorry for poor old Corky that I hadn't the heart to -touch my breakfast. I was bowled over. Absolutely. It was the limit. - -I hardly knew what to do. I wanted, of course, to rush down to -Washington Square and grip the poor blighter silently by the hand; and -then, thinking it over, I hadn't the nerve. Absent treatment seemed the -touch. I gave it him in waves. - -But after a month or so I began to hesitate again. It struck me that -it was playing it a bit low-down on the poor chap, avoiding him like -this just when he probably wanted his pals to surge round him most. -I pictured him sitting in his lonely studio with no company but his -bitter thoughts, and the pathos of it got me to such an extent that I -bounded straight into a taxi and told the driver to go all out for the -studio. - -I rushed in, and there was Corky, hunched up at the easel, painting -away, while on the model throne sat a severe-looking female of middle -age, holding a baby. - -A fellow has to be ready for that sort of thing. - -'Oh, ah!' I said, and started to back out. - -Corky looked over his shoulder. - -'Hallo, Bertie. Don't go. We're just finishing for the day. That will -be all this afternoon,' he said to the nurse, who got up with the baby -and decanted it into a perambulator which was standing in the fairway. - -'At the same hour tomorrow, Mr Corcoran?' - -'Yes, please.' - -'Good afternoon.' - -'Good afternoon.' - -Corky stood there, looking at the door, and then he turned to me and -began to get it off his chest. Fortunately, he seemed to take it for -granted that I knew all about what had happened, so it wasn't as -awkward as it might have been. - -'It's my uncle's idea,' he said. 'Muriel doesn't know about it yet. The -portrait's to be a surprise for her on her birthday. The nurse takes -the kid out ostensibly to get a breather, and they beat it down here. -If you want an instance of the irony of fate, Bertie, get acquainted -with this. Here's the first commission I have ever had to paint a -portrait, and the sitter is that human poached egg that has butted -in and bounced me out of my inheritance. Can you beat it! I call it -rubbing the thing in to expect me to spend my afternoons gazing into -the ugly face of a little brat who to all intents and purposes has hit -me behind the ear with a black-jack and swiped all I possess. I can't -refuse to paint the portrait, because if I did my uncle would stop my -allowance; yet every time I look up and catch that kid's vacant eye, -I suffer agonies. I tell you, Bertie, sometimes when he gives me a -patronizing glance and then turns away and is sick, as if it revolted -him to look at me, I come within an ace of occupying the entire front -page of the evening papers as the latest murder sensation. There are -moments when I can almost see the headlines: "Promising Young Artist -Beans Baby With Axe."' - -I patted his shoulder silently. My sympathy for the poor old scout was -too deep for words. - -I kept away from the studio for some time after that, because it didn't -seem right to me to intrude on the poor chappie's sorrow. Besides, I'm -bound to say that nurse intimidated me. She reminded me so infernally -of Aunt Agatha. She was the same gimlet-eyed type. - -But one afternoon Corky called me on the phone. - -'Bertie!' - -'Hallo?' - -'Are you doing anything this afternoon?' - -'Nothing special.' - -'You couldn't come down here, could you?' - -'What's the trouble? Anything up?' - -'I've finished the portrait.' - -'Good boy! Stout work!' - -'Yes.' His voice sounded rather doubtful. 'The fact is, Bertie, it -doesn't look quite right to me. There's something about it--My uncle's -coming in half an hour to inspect it, and--I don't know why it is, but -I kind of feel I'd like your moral support!' - -I began to see that I was letting myself in for something. The -sympathetic cooperation of Jeeves seemed to me to be indicated. - -'You think he'll cut up rough?' - -'He may.' - -I threw my mind back to the red-faced chappie I had met at the -restaurant, and tried to picture him cutting up rough. It was only too -easy. I spoke to Corky firmly on the telephone. - -'I'll come,' I said. - -'Good!' - -'But only if I may bring Jeeves.' - -'Why Jeeves? What's Jeeves got to do with it? Who wants Jeeves? Jeeves -is the fool who suggested the scheme that has led--' - -'Listen, Corky, old top! If you think I am going to face that uncle of -yours without Jeeves's support, you're mistaken. I'd sooner go into a -den of wild beasts and bite a lion on the back of the neck.' - -'Oh, all right,' said Corky. Not cordially, but he said it; so I rang -for Jeeves, and explained the situation. - -'Very good, sir,' said Jeeves. - - * * * * * - -We found Corky near the door, looking at the picture with one hand up -in a defensive sort of way, as if he thought it might swing on him. - -'Stand right where you are, Bertie,' he said, without moving. 'Now, -tell me honestly, how does it strike you?' - -The light from the big window fell right on the picture. I took a good -look at it. Then I shifted a bit nearer and took another look. Then I -went back to where I had been at first, because it hadn't seemed quite -so bad from there. - -'Well?' said Corky anxiously. - -I hesitated a bit. - -'Of course, old man, I only saw the kid once, and then only for a -moment, but--but it _was_ an ugly sort of kid, wasn't it, if I remember -rightly?' - -'As ugly as that?' - -I looked again, and honesty compelled me to be frank. - -'I don't see how it could have been, old chap.' - -Poor old Corky ran his fingers through his hair in a temperamental sort -of way. He groaned. - -'You're quite right, Bertie. Something's gone wrong with the darned -thing. My private impression is that, without knowing it, I've worked -that stunt that Sargent used to pull--painting the soul of the sitter. -I've got through the mere outward appearance, and have put the child's -soul on canvas.' - -'But could a child of that age have a soul like that? I don't see how -he could have managed it in the time. What do you think, Jeeves?' - -'I doubt it, sir.' - -'It--it sort of leers at you, doesn't it?' - -'You've noticed that, too?' said Corky. - -'I don't see how one could help noticing.' - -'All I tried to do was to give the little brute a cheerful expression. -But, as it has worked out, he looks positively dissipated.' - -'Just what I was going to suggest, old man. He looks as if he were in -the middle of a colossal spree, and enjoying every minute of it. Don't -you think so, Jeeves?' - -'He has a decidedly inebriated air, sir.' - -Corky was starting to say something, when the door opened and the uncle -came in. - -For about three seconds all was joy, jollity and goodwill. The old boy -shook hands with me, slapped Corky on the back, said he didn't think -he had ever seen such a fine day, and whacked his leg with his stick. -Jeeves had projected himself into the background, and he didn't notice -him. - -'Well, Bruce, my boy; so the portrait is really finished, is it--really -finished? Well, bring it out. Let's have a look at it. This will be a -wonderful surprise for your aunt. Where is it? Let's--' - -And then he got it--suddenly, when he wasn't set for the punch; and he -rocked back on his heels. - -'Oosh!' he exclaimed. And for perhaps a minute there was one of the -scaliest silences I've ever run up against. - -'Is this a practical joke?' he said at last, in a way that set about -sixteen draughts cutting through the room at once. - -I thought it was up to me to rally round old Corky. - -'You want to stand a bit farther away from it,' I said. - -'You're perfectly right!' he snorted. 'I do! I want to stand so far -away from it that I can't see the thing with a telescope!' He turned -on Corky like an untamed tiger of the jungle who has just located a -chunk of meat. 'And this--this--is what you have been wasting your -time and my money for all these years! A painter! I wouldn't let you -paint a house of mine. I gave you this commission, thinking that you -were a competent worker, and this--this--this extract from a comic -supplement is the result!' He swung towards the door, lashing his tail -and growling to himself. 'This ends it. If you wish to continue this -foolery of pretending to be an artist because you want an excuse for -idleness, please yourself. But let me tell you this. Unless you report -at my office on Monday morning, prepared to abandon all this idiocy -and start in at the bottom of the business to work your way up, as you -should have done half a dozen years ago, not another cent--not another -cent--not another--Boosh!' - -Then the door closed and he was no longer with us. And I crawled out of -the bomb-proof shelter. - -'Corky, old top!' I whispered faintly. - -Corky was standing staring at the picture. His face was set. There was -a hunted look in his eye. - -'Well, that finishes it!' he muttered brokenly. - -'What are you going to do?' - -'Do? What can I do? I can't stick on here if he cuts off supplies. You -heard what he said. I shall have to go to the office on Monday.' - -I couldn't think of a thing to say. I knew exactly how he felt about -the office. I don't know when I've been so infernally uncomfortable. It -was like hanging round trying to make conversation to a pal who's just -been sentenced to twenty years in quod. - -And then a soothing voice broke the silence. - -'If I might make a suggestion, sir!' - -It was Jeeves. He had slid from the shadows and was gazing gravely -at the picture. Upon my word, I can't give you a better idea of the -shattering effect of Corky's Uncle Alexander when in action than by -saying that he had absolutely made me forget for the moment that Jeeves -was there. - -'I wonder if I have ever happened to mention to you, sir, a Mr Digby -Thistleton, with whom I was once in service? Perhaps you have met him? -He was a financier. He is now Lord Bridgworth. It was a favourite -saying of his that there is always a way. The first time I heard him -use the expression was after the failure of a patent depilatory which -he promoted.' - -'Jeeves,' I said, 'what on earth are you talking about?' - -'I mentioned Mr Thistleton, sir, because his was in some respects a -parallel case to the present one. His depilatory failed, but he did -not despair. He put it on the market again under the name of Hair-o, -guaranteed to produce a full crop of hair in a few months. It was -advertised, if you remember, sir, by a humorous picture of a billiard -ball, before and after taking, and made such a substantial fortune that -Mr Thistleton was soon afterwards elevated to the peerage for services -to his Party. It seems to me that, if Mr Corcoran looks into the -matter, he will find, like Mr Thistleton, that there is always a way. -Mr Worple himself suggested the solution of the difficulty. In the heat -of the moment he compared the portrait to an extract from a coloured -comic supplement. I consider the suggestion a very valuable one, sir. -Mr Corcoran's portrait may not have pleased Mr Worple as a likeness of -his only child, but I have no doubt that editors would gladly consider -it as a foundation for a series of humorous drawings. If Mr Corcoran -will allow me to make the suggestion, his talent has always been for -the humorous. There is something about this picture--something bold and -vigorous, which arrests the attention. I feel sure it would be highly -popular.' - -Corky was glaring at the picture, and making a sort of dry, sucking -noise with his mouth. He seemed completely overwrought. - -And then suddenly he began to laugh in a wild way. - -'Corky, old man!' I said, massaging him tenderly. I feared the poor -blighter was hysterical. - -He began to stagger about all over the floor. - -'He's right! The man's absolutely right! Jeeves, you're a life-saver. -You've hit on the greatest idea of the age. Report at the office on -Monday! Start at the bottom of the business! I'll buy the business if I -feel like it. I know the man who runs the comic section of the _Sunday -Star_. He'll eat this thing. He was telling me only the other day how -hard it was to get a good new series. He'll give me anything I ask for -a real winner like this. I've got a gold mine. Where's my hat? I've -got an income for life! Where's that confounded hat? Lend me a five, -Bertie. I want to take a taxi down to Park Row!' - -Jeeves smiled paternally. Or, rather, he had a kind of paternal -muscular spasm about the mouth, which is the nearest he ever gets to -smiling. - -'If I might make the suggestion, Mr Corcoran--for a title of the series -which you have in mind--"The Adventures of Baby Blobbs".' - -Corky and I looked at the picture, then at each other in an awed way. -Jeeves was right. There could be no other title. - - * * * * * - -'Jeeves,' I said. It was a few weeks later, and I had just finished -looking at the comic section of the _Sunday Star_. 'I'm an optimist. I -always have been. The older I get, the more I agree with Shakespeare -and those poet Johnnies about it always being darkest before the dawn -and there's a silver lining and what you lose on the swings you make -up on the roundabouts. Look at Mr Corcoran, for instance. There was a -fellow, one would have said, clear up to the eyebrows in the soup. To -all appearances he had got it right in the neck. Yet look at him now. -Have you seen these pictures?' - -'I took the liberty of glancing at them before bringing them to you, -sir. Extremely diverting.' - -'They have made a big hit, you know.' - -'I anticipated it, sir.' - -I leaned back against the pillows. - -'You know, Jeeves, you're a genius. You ought to be drawing a -commission on these things.' - -'I have nothing to complain of in that respect, sir. Mr Corcoran has -been most generous. I am putting out the brown suit, sir.' - -'No, I think I'll wear the blue with the faint red stripe.' - -'Not the blue with the faint red stripe, sir.' - -'But I rather fancy myself in it.' - -'Not the blue with the faint red stripe, sir.' - -'Oh, all right, have it your own way.' - -'Very good, sir. Thank you, sir.' - - - - - 3--Jeeves and the Unbidden Guest - - -I'm not absolutely certain of my facts, but I rather fancy it's -Shakespeare--or, if not, it's some equally brainy bird--who says that -it's always just when a fellow is feeling particularly braced with -things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with the bit of lead -piping. And what I'm driving at is that the man is perfectly right. -Take, for instance, the business of Lady Malvern and her son Wilmot. -That was one of the scaliest affairs I was ever mixed up with, and a -moment before they came into my life I was just thinking how thoroughly -all right everything was. - -I was still in New York when the thing started, and it was about -the time of year when New York is at its best. It was one of those -topping mornings, and I had just climbed out from under the cold -shower, feeling like a million dollars. As a matter of fact, what was -bucking me up more than anything was the fact that the day before I -had asserted myself with Jeeves--absolutely asserted myself, don't you -know. You see, the way things had been going on I was rapidly becoming -a dashed serf. The man had jolly well oppressed me. I didn't so much -mind when he made me give up one of my new suits, because Jeeves's -judgement about suits is sound and can generally be relied upon. - -But I as near as a toucher rebelled when he wouldn't let me wear a pair -of cloth-topped boots which I loved like a couple of brothers. And, -finally, when he tried to tread on me like a worm in the matter of a -hat, I put the Wooster foot down and showed him in no uncertain manner -who was who. - -It's a long story, and I haven't time to tell you now, but the nub of -the thing was that he wanted me to wear the White House Wonder--as worn -by President Coolidge--when I had set my heart on the Broadway Special, -much patronized by the Younger Set; and the end of the matter was that, -after a rather painful scene, I bought the Broadway Special. So that's -how things were on this particular morning, and I was feeling pretty -manly and independent. - -Well, I was in the bathroom, wondering what there was going to be -for breakfast while I massaged the spine with a rough towel and sang -slightly, when there was a tap at the door. I stopped singing and -opened the door an inch. - -'What ho, without there!' I said. - -'Lady Malvern has called, sir.' - -'Eh?' - -'Lady Malvern, sir. She is waiting in the sitting-room.' - -'Pull yourself together, Jeeves, my man,' I said rather severely, for I -bar practical jokes before breakfast. 'You know perfectly well there's -no one waiting for me in the sitting-room. How could there be when it's -barely ten o'clock yet?' - -'I gathered from her ladyship, sir, that she had landed from an ocean -liner at an early hour this morning.' - -This made the thing a bit more plausible. I remembered that when I -had arrived in America about a year before, the proceedings had begun -at some ghastly hour like six, and that I had been shot out on to a -foreign shore considerably before eight. - -'Who the deuce is Lady Malvern, Jeeves?' - -'Her ladyship did not confide in me, sir.' - -'Is she alone?' - -'Her ladyship is accompanied by a Lord Pershore, sir. I fancy that his -lordship would be her ladyship's son.' - -'Oh, well, put out rich raiment of sorts, and I'll be dressing.' - -'Our heather-mixture lounge is in readiness, sir.' - -'Then lead me to it.' - -While I was dressing I kept trying to think who on earth Lady Malvern -could be. It wasn't till I had climbed through the top of my shirt and -was reaching out for the studs that I remembered. - -'I've placed her, Jeeves. She's a pal of my Aunt Agatha.' - -'Indeed, sir?' - -'Yes. I met her at lunch one Sunday before I left London. A very -vicious specimen. Writes books. She wrote a book on social conditions -in India when she came back from the Durbar.' - -'Yes, sir? Pardon me, sir, but not that tie.' - -'Eh?' - -'Not that tie with the heather-mixture lounge, sir.' - -It was a shock to me. I thought I had quelled the fellow. It was rather -a solemn moment. What I mean is, if I weakened now, all my good work -the night before would be thrown away. I braced myself. - -'What's wrong with this tie? I've seen you give it a nasty look before. -Speak out like a man! What's the matter with it?' - -'Too ornate, sir.' - -'Nonsense! A cheerful pink. Nothing more.' - -'Unsuitable, sir.' - -'Jeeves, this is the tie I wear!' - -'Very good, sir.' - -Dashed unpleasant. I could see that the man was wounded. But I was -firm. I tied the tie, got into the coat and waistcoat, and went into -the sitting-room. - -'Hullo-ullo-ullo!' I said. 'What?' - -'Ah! How do you do, Mr Wooster? You have never met my son Wilmot, I -think? Motty, darling, this is Mr Wooster.' - -Lady Malvern was a hearty, happy, healthy, overpowering sort of dashed -female, not so very tall but making up for it by measuring about six -feet from the O. P. to the Prompt Side. She fitted into my biggest -arm-chair as if it had been built round her by someone who knew they -were wearing arm-chairs tight about the hips that season. She had -bright, bulging eyes and a lot of yellow hair, and when she spoke she -showed about fifty-seven front teeth. She was one of those women who -kind of numb a fellow's faculties. She made me feel as if I were ten -years old and had been brought into the drawing-room in my Sunday -clothes to say how-d'you-do. Altogether by no means the sort of thing a -chappie would wish to find in his sitting-room before breakfast. - -Motty, the son, was about twenty-three, tall and thin and meek-looking. -He had the same yellow hair as his mother, but he wore it plastered -down and parted in the middle. His eyes bulged, too, but they weren't -bright. They were a dull grey with pink rims. His chin gave up the -struggle about half-way down, and he didn't appear to have any -eyelashes. A mild, furtive, sheepish sort of blighter, in short. - -'Awfully glad to see you,' I said, though this was far from the case, -for already I was beginning to have a sort of feeling that dirty work -was threatening in the offing. 'So you've popped over, eh? Making a -long stay in America?' - -'About a month. Your aunt gave me your address and told me to be sure -to call on you.' - -I was glad to hear this, for it seemed to indicate that Aunt Agatha -was beginning to come round a bit. As I believe I told you before, -there had been some slight unpleasantness between us, arising from the -occasion when she had sent me over to New York to disentangle my cousin -Gussie from the clutches of a girl on the music-hall stage. When I tell -you that by the time I had finished my operations Gussie had not only -married the girl but had gone on the Halls himself and was doing well, -you'll understand that relations were a trifle strained between aunt -and nephew. - -I simply hadn't dared go back and face her, and it was a relief to -find that time had healed the wound enough to make her tell her pals -to call on me. What I mean is, much as I liked America, I didn't want -to have England barred to me for the rest of my natural; and, believe -me, England is a jolly sight too small for anyone to live in with Aunt -Agatha, if she's really on the war-path. So I was braced at hearing -these words and smiled genially on the assemblage. - -'Your aunt said that you would do anything that was in your power to be -of assistance to us.' - -'Rather! Oh, rather. Absolutely.' - -'Thank you so much. I want you to put dear Motty up for a little while.' - -I didn't get this for a moment. - -'Put him up? For my clubs?' - -'No, no! Darling Motty is essentially a home bird. Aren't you, Motty, -darling?' - -Motty, who was sucking the knob of his stick, uncorked himself. - -'Yes, mother,' he said, and corked himself up again. - -'I should not like him to belong to clubs. I mean put him up here. Have -him to live with you while I am away.' - -These frightful words trickled out of her like honey. The woman simply -didn't seem to understand the ghastly nature of her proposal. I gave -Motty the swift east-to-west. He was sitting with his mouth nuzzling -the stick, blinking at the wall. The thought of having this planted on -me for an indefinite period appalled me. Absolutely appalled me, don't -you know. I was just starting to say that the shot wasn't on the board -at any price, and that the first sign Motty gave of trying to nestle -into my little home I would yell for the police, when she went on, -rolling placidly over me, as it were. - -There was something about this woman that sapped one's will-power. - -'I am leaving New York by the midday train, as I have to pay a visit -to Sing-Sing prison. I am extremely interested in prison conditions -in America. After that I work my way gradually across to the coast, -visiting the points of interest on the journey. You see, Mr Wooster, -I am in America principally on business. No doubt you read my book, -_India and the Indians_? My publishers are anxious for me to write a -companion volume on the United States. I shall not be able to spend -more than a month in the country, as I have to get back for the season, -but a month should be ample. I was less than a month in India, and my -dear friend Sir Roger Cremorne wrote his _America from Within_ after a -stay of only two weeks. I should love to take dear Motty with me, but -the poor boy gets so sick when he travels by train. I shall have to -pick him up on my return.' - -From where I sat I could see Jeeves in the dining-room, laying the -breakfast-table. I wished I could have had a minute with him alone. -I felt certain that he would have been able to think of some way of -putting a stop to this woman. - -'It will be such a relief to know that Motty is safe with you, Mr -Wooster. I know what the temptations of a great city are. Hitherto dear -Motty has been sheltered from them. He has lived quietly with me in the -country. I know that you will look after him carefully, Mr Wooster. -He will give very little trouble.' She talked about the poor blighter -as if he wasn't there. Not that Motty seemed to mind. He had stopped -chewing his walking-stick and was sitting there with his mouth open. -'He is a vegetarian and a teetotaller and is devoted to reading. Give -him a nice book and he will be quite contented.' She got up. 'Thank -you so much, Mr Wooster. I don't know what I should have done without -your help. Come, Motty. We have just time to see a few of the sights -before my train goes. But I shall have to rely on you for most of my -information about New York, darling. Be sure to keep your eyes open and -take notes of your impressions. It will be such a help. Good-bye, Mr -Wooster. I will send Motty back early in the afternoon.' - -They went out, and I howled for Jeeves. - -'Jeeves!' - -'Sir?' - -'What's to be done? You heard it all, didn't you? You were in the -dining-room most of the time. That pill is coming to stay here.' - -'Pill, sir?' - -'The excrescence.' - -'I beg your pardon, sir?' - -I looked at Jeeves sharply. This sort of thing wasn't like him. Then I -understood. The man was really upset about that tie. He was trying to -get his own back. - -'Lord Pershore will be staying here from tonight, Jeeves,' I said -coldly. - -'Very good, sir. Breakfast is ready, sir.' - -I could have sobbed into the bacon and eggs. That there wasn't any -sympathy to be got out of Jeeves was what put the lid on it. For a -moment I almost weakened and told him to destroy the hat and tie if he -didn't like them, but I pulled myself together again. I was dashed if I -was going to let Jeeves treat me like a bally one-man chain-gang. - -But, what with brooding on Jeeves and brooding on Motty, I was in a -pretty reduced sort of state. The more I examined the situation, the -more blighted it became. There was nothing I could do. If I slung Motty -out, he would report to his mother, and she would pass it on to Aunt -Agatha, and I didn't like to think what would happen then. Sooner or -later I should be wanting to go back to England, and I didn't want -to get there and find Aunt Agatha waiting on the quay for me with a -stuffed eelskin. There was absolutely nothing for it but to put the -fellow up and make the best of it. - -About midday Motty's luggage arrived, and soon afterwards a large -parcel of what I took to be nice books. I brightened up a little when -I saw it. It was one of those massive parcels and looked as if it -had enough in it to keep him busy for a year. I felt a trifle more -cheerful, and I got my Broadway Special and stuck it on my head, and -gave the pink tie a twist, and reeled out to take a bite of lunch -with one or two of the lads at a neighbouring hostelry; and what with -excellent browsing and sluicing and cheery conversation and what-not, -the afternoon passed quite happily. By dinner-time I had almost -forgotten Motty's existence. - -I dined at the club and looked in at a show afterwards, and it wasn't -till fairly late that I got back to the flat. There were no signs of -Motty, and I took it that he had gone to bed. - -It seemed rummy to me, though, that the parcel of nice books was still -there with the string and paper on it. It looked as if Motty, after -seeing mother off at the station, had decided to call it a day. - -Jeeves came in with the nightly whisky and soda. I could tell by the -chappie's manner that he was still upset. - -'Lord Pershore gone to bed, Jeeves?' I asked, with reserved hauteur and -what-not. - -'No sir. His lordship has not yet returned.' - -'Not returned? What do you mean?' - -'His lordship came in shortly after six-thirty, and, having dressed, -went out again.' - -At this moment there was a noise outside the front door, a sort of -scrabbling noise, as if somebody were trying to paw his way through the -woodwork. Then a sort of thud. - -'Better go and see what that is, Jeeves.' - -'Very good, sir.' - -He went out and came back again. - -'If you would not mind stepping this way sir, I think we might be able -to carry him in.' - -'Carry him in?' - -'His lordship is lying on the mat, sir.' - -I went to the front door. The man was right. There was Motty huddled up -outside on the floor. He was moaning a bit. - -'He's had some sort of dashed fit,' I said. I took another look. -'Jeeves! Someone's been feeding him meat!' - -'Sir?' - -'He's a vegetarian, you know. He must have been digging into a steak or -something. Call up a doctor!' - -'I hardly think it will be necessary, sir. If you would take his -lordship's legs, while I--' - -'Great Scott, Jeeves! You don't think--he can't be--' - -'I am inclined to think so, sir.' - -And, by Jove, he was right! Once on the right track, you couldn't -mistake it. Motty was under the surface. Completely sozzled. - -It was the deuce of a shock. - -'You never can tell, Jeeves!' - -'Very seldom, sir.' - -'Remove the eye of authority and where are you?' - -'Precisely, sir.' - -'Where is my wandering boy tonight and all that sort of thing, what?' - -'It would seem so, sir.' - -'Well, we had better bring him in, eh?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -So we lugged him in, and Jeeves put him to bed, and I lit a cigarette -and sat down to think the thing over. I had a kind of foreboding. It -seemed to me that I had let myself in for something pretty rocky. - -Next morning, after I had sucked down a thoughtful cup of tea, I went -into Motty's room to investigate. I expected to find the fellow a -wreck, but there he was, sitting up in bed, quite chirpy, reading -_Gingery Stories_. - -'What ho!' I said. - -'What ho!' said Motty. - -'What ho! What ho!' - -'What ho! What ho! What ho!' - -After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation. - -'How are you feeling this morning?' I asked. - -'Topping!' replied Motty, blithely and with abandon. 'I say, you know, -that fellow of yours--Jeeves, you know--is a corker. I had a most -frightful headache when I woke up, and he brought me a sort of rummy -dark drink, and it put me right again at once. Said it was his own -invention. I must see more of that lad. He seems to me distinctly one -of the ones.' - -I couldn't believe that this was the same blighter who had sat and -sucked his stick the day before. - -'You ate something that disagreed with you last night, didn't you?' I -said, by way of giving him a chance to slide out of it if he wanted to. -But he wouldn't have it at any price. - -'No!' he replied firmly. 'I didn't do anything of the kind. I drank -too much. Much too much. Lots and lots too much. And, what's more, I'm -going to do it again. I'm going to do it every night. If ever you see -me sober, old top,' he said, with a kind of holy exaltation, 'tap me -on the shoulder and say, "Tut! Tut!" and I'll apologize and remedy the -defect.' - -'But I say, you know, what about me?' - -'What about you?' - -'Well, I'm, so to speak, as it were, kind of responsible for you. What -I mean to say is, if you go doing this sort of thing I'm apt to get in -the soup somewhat.' - -'I can't help your troubles,' said Motty firmly. 'Listen to me, old -thing: this is the first time in my life that I've had a real chance to -yield to the temptations of a great city. What's the use of a great -city having temptations if fellows don't yield to them? Makes it so -bally discouraging for the great city. Besides, mother told me to keep -my eyes open and collect impressions.' - -I sat on the edge of the bed. I felt dizzy. - -'I know just how you feel, old dear,' said Motty consolingly. 'And, -if my principles would permit it, I would simmer down for your sake. -But duty first! This is the first time I've been let out alone, and I -mean to make the most of it. We're only young once. Why interfere with -life's morning? Young man, rejoice in thy youth! Tra-la! What ho!' - -Put like that, it did seem reasonable. - -'All my bally life, dear boy,' Motty went on, 'I've been cooped up in -the ancestral home at Much Middlefold, in Shropshire, and till you've -been cooped up in Much Middlefold you don't know what cooping is. The -only time we get any excitement is when one of the choir-boys is caught -sucking chocolate during the sermon. When that happens, we talk about -it for days. I've got about a month of New York, and I mean to store -up a few happy memories for the long winter evenings. This is my only -chance to collect a past, and I'm going to do it. Now tell me, old -sport, as man to man, how does one get in touch with that very decent -bird Jeeves? Does one ring a bell or shout a bit? I should like to -discuss the subject of a good stiff b-and-s with him.' - - * * * * * - -I had had a sort of vague idea, don't you know, that if I stuck close -to Motty and went about the place with him, I might act as a bit of a -damper on the gaiety. What I mean is, I thought that if, when he was -being the life and soul of the party, he were to catch my reproving eye -he might ease up a trifle on the revelry. So the next night I took him -along to supper with me. It was the last time. I'm a quiet, peaceful -sort of bloke who has lived all his life in London, and I can't stand -the pace these swift sportsmen from the rural districts set. What I -mean to say is, I'm all for rational enjoyment and so forth, but I -think a chappie makes himself conspicuous when he throws soft-boiled -eggs at the electric fan. And decent mirth and all that sort of thing -are all right, but I do bar dancing on tables and having to dash all -over the place dodging waiters, managers, and chuckers-out, just when -you want to sit still and digest. - -Directly I managed to tear myself away that night and get home, I made -up my mind that this was jolly well the last time that I went about -with Motty. The only time I met him late at night after that was once -when I passed the door of a fairly low-down sort of restaurant and had -to step aside to dodge him as he sailed through the air _en route_ for -the opposite pavement, with a muscular sort of looking fellow peering -out after him with a kind of gloomy satisfaction. - -In a way, I couldn't help sympathizing with the chap. He had about -four weeks to have the good time that ought to have been spread over -about ten years, and I didn't wonder at his wanting to be pretty busy. -I should have been just the same in his place. Still, there was no -denying that it was a bit thick. If it hadn't been for the thought of -Lady Malvern and Aunt Agatha in the background, I should have regarded -Motty's rapid work with an indulgent smile. But I couldn't get rid of -the feeling that, sooner or later, I was the lad who was scheduled -to get it behind the ear. And what with brooding on this prospect, -and sitting up in the old flat waiting for the familiar footstep, and -putting it to bed when it got there, and stealing into the sick-chamber -next morning to contemplate the wreckage, I was beginning to lose -weight. Absolutely becoming the good old shadow, I give you my honest -word. Starting at sudden noises and what-not. - -And no sympathy from Jeeves. That was what cut me to the quick. The man -was still thoroughly pipped about the hat and tie, and simply wouldn't -rally round. One morning I wanted comforting so much that I sank the -pride of the Woosters and appealed to the fellow direct. - -'Jeeves,' I said, 'this is getting a bit thick!' - -'Sir?' - -'You know what I mean. This lad seems to have chucked all the -principles of a well-spent boyhood. He has got it up his nose!' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Well, I shall get blamed, don't you know. You know what my Aunt Agatha -is.' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Very well, then.' - -I waited a moment, but he wouldn't unbend. - -'Jeeves,' I said, 'haven't you any scheme up your sleeve for coping -with this blighter?' - -'No, sir.' - -And he shimmered off to his lair. Obstinate devil! So dashed absurd, -don't you know. It wasn't as if there was anything wrong with that -Broadway Special hat. It was a remarkably priceless effort, and much -admired by the lads. But, just because he preferred the White House -Wonder, he left me flat. - -It was shortly after this that young Motty got the idea of bringing -pals back in the small hours to continue the gay revels in the home. -This was where I began to crack under the strain. You see, the part -of town where I was living wasn't the right place for that sort of -thing. I knew lots of chappies down Washington Square way who started -the evening at about two a.m.--artists and writers and so forth who -frolicked considerably till checked by the arrival of the morning -milk. That was all right. They like that sort of thing down there. The -neighbours can't get to sleep unless there's someone dancing Hawaiian -dances over their heads. But on Fifty-seventh Street the atmosphere -wasn't right, and when Motty turned up at three in the morning with a -collection of hearty lads, who only stopped singing their college song -when they started singing 'The Old Oaken Bucket', there was a marked -peevishness among the old settlers in the flats. The management was -extremely terse over the telephone at breakfast-time, and took a lot of -soothing. - -The next night I came home early, after a lonely dinner at a place -which I'd chosen because there didn't seem any chance of meeting Motty -there. The sitting-room was quite dark, and I was just moving to switch -on the light, when there was a sort of explosion and something collared -hold of my trouser-leg. Living with Motty had reduced me to such an -extent that I was simply unable to cope with this thing. I jumped -backward with a loud yell of anguish, and tumbled out into the hall -just as Jeeves came out of his den to see what the matter was. - -'Did you call, sir?' - -'Jeeves! There's something in there that grabs you by the leg!' - -'That would be Rollo, sir.' - -'Eh?' - -'I would have warned you of his presence, but I did not hear you come -in. His temper is a little uncertain at present, as he has not yet -settled down.' - -'Who the deuce is Rollo?' - -'His lordship's bull-terrier, sir. His lordship won him in a raffle, -and tied him to the leg of the table. If you will allow me, sir, I will -go in and switch on the light.' - -There really is nobody like Jeeves. He walked straight into the -sitting-room, the biggest feat since Daniel and the lions' den, without -a quiver. What's more, his magnetism or whatever they call it was such -that the dashed animal, instead of pinning him by the leg, calmed down -as if he had had a bromide, and rolled over on his back with all his -paws in the air. If Jeeves had been his rich uncle he couldn't have -been more chummy. Yet directly he caught sight of me again, he got all -worked up and seemed to have only one idea in life--to start chewing me -where he had left off. - -'Rollo is not used to you yet, sir,' said Jeeves, regarding the bally -quadruped in an admiring sort of way. 'He is an excellent watch-dog.' - -'I don't want a watch-dog to keep me out of my rooms.' - -'No, sir.' - -'Well, what am I to do?' - -'No doubt in time the animal will learn to discriminate, sir. He will -learn to distinguish your peculiar scent.' - -'What do you mean--my peculiar scent? Correct the impression that I -intend to hang about in the hall while life slips by, in the hope that -one of these days that dashed animal will decide that I smell all -right.' I thought for a bit. 'Jeeves!' - -'Sir?' - -'I'm going away--tomorrow morning by the first train. I shall go and -stop with Mr Todd in the country.' - -'Do you wish me to accompany you, sir?' - -'No.' - -'Very good, sir.' - -'I don't know when I shall be back. Forward my letters.' - -'Yes, sir.' - - * * * * * - -As a matter of fact, I was back within the week. Rocky Todd, the pal I -went to stay with, is a rummy sort of a chap who lives all alone in the -wilds of Long Island, and likes it; but a little of that sort of thing -goes a long way with me. Dear old Rocky is one of the best, but after -a few days in his cottage in the woods, miles away from anywhere, New -York, even with Motty on the premises, began to look pretty good to me. -The days down on Long Island have forty-eight hours in them, you can't -get to sleep at night because of the bellowing of the crickets; and -you have to walk two miles for a drink and six for an evening paper. I -thanked Rocky for his kind hospitality, and caught the only train they -have down in those parts. It landed me in New York about dinner-time. -I went straight to the old flat. Jeeves came out of his lair. I looked -round cautiously for Rollo. - -'Where's that dog, Jeeves? Have you got him tied up?' - -'The animal is no longer here, sir. His lordship gave him to the -porter, who sold him. His lordship took a prejudice against the animal -on account of being bitten by him in the calf of the leg.' - -I don't think I've ever been so bucked by a bit of news. I felt I had -misjudged Rollo. Evidently, when you got to know him better, he had a -lot of good in him. - -'Fine!' I said. 'Is Lord Pershore in, Jeeves?' - -'No, sir.' - -'Do you expect him back to dinner?' - -'No, sir.' - -'Where is he?' - -'In prison, sir.' - -'In prison!' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'You don't mean--in prison?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -I lowered myself into a chair. - -'Why?' I said. - -'He assaulted a constable, sir.' - -'Lord Pershore assaulted a constable!' - -'Yes, sir.' - -I digested this. - -'But, Jeeves, I say! This is frightful!' - -'Sir?' - -'What will Lady Malvern say when she finds out?' - -'I do not fancy that her ladyship will find out, sir.' - -'But she'll come back and want to know where he is.' - -'I rather fancy, sir, that his lordship's bit of time will have run out -by then.' - -'But supposing it hasn't?' - -'In that event, sir, it may be judicious to prevaricate a little.' - -'How?' - -'If I might make the suggestion, sir, I should inform her ladyship that -his lordship has left for a short visit to Boston.' - -'Why Boston?' - -'Very interesting and respectable centre, sir.' - -'Jeeves, I believe you've hit it.' - -'I fancy so, sir.' - -'Why, this is really the best thing that could have happened. If this -hadn't turned up to prevent him, young Motty would have been in a -sanatorium by the time Lady Malvern got back.' - -'Exactly, sir.' - -The more I looked at it in that way, the sounder this prison wheeze -seemed to me. There was no doubt in the world that prison was just what -the doctor ordered for Motty. It was the only thing that could have -pulled him up. I was sorry for the poor blighter, but after all, I -reflected, a fellow who had lived all his life with Lady Malvern, in a -small village in the interior of Shropshire, wouldn't have much to kick -at in a prison. Altogether, I began to feel absolutely braced again. -Life became like what the poet Johnnie says--one grand, sweet song. -Things went on so comfortably and peacefully for a couple of weeks that -I give you my word that I'd almost forgotten such a person as Motty -existed. The only flaw in the scheme of things was that Jeeves was -still pained and distant. It wasn't anything he said, or did, mind you, -but there was a rummy something about him all the time. Once when I was -tying the pink tie I caught sight of him in the looking-glass. There -was a kind of grieved look in his eye. - -And then Lady Malvern came back, a good bit ahead of schedule. I hadn't -been expecting her for days. I'd forgotten how time had been slipping -along. She turned up one morning while I was still in bed sipping tea -and thinking of this and that. Jeeves flowed in with the announcement -that he had just loosed her into the sitting-room. I draped a few -garments round me and went in. - -There she was, sitting in the same arm-chair, looking as massive as -ever. The only difference was that she didn't uncover the teeth as she -had done the first time. - -'Good morning,' I said. 'So you've got back, what?' - -'I have got back.' - -There was something sort of bleak about her tone, rather as if she had -swallowed an east wind. This I took to be due to the fact that she -probably hadn't breakfasted. It's only after a bit of breakfast that -I'm able to regard the world with that sunny cheeriness which makes -a fellow the universal favourite. I'm never much of a lad till I've -engulfed an egg or two and a beaker of coffee. - -'I suppose you haven't breakfasted?' - -'I have not yet breakfasted.' - -'Won't you have an egg or something? Or a sausage or something? Or -something?' - -'No, thank you.' - -She spoke as if she belonged to an anti-sausage society or a league for -the suppression of eggs. There was a bit of a silence. - -'I called on you last night,' she said, 'but you were out.' - -'Awfully sorry. Had a pleasant trip?' - -'Extremely, thank you.' - -'See everything? Niagara Falls, Yellowstone Park, and the jolly old -Grand Canyon, and what-not?' - -'I saw a great deal.' - -There was another slightly _frappé_ silence. Jeeves floated silently -into the dining-room and began to lay the breakfast-table. - -'I hope Wilmot was not in your way, Mr Wooster?' - -I had been wondering when she was going to mention Motty. - -'Rather not! Great pals. Hit it off splendidly.' - -'You were his constant companion, then?' - -'Absolutely. We were always together. Saw all the sights, don't you -know. We'd take in the Museum of Art in the morning, and have a bit of -lunch at some good vegetarian place, and then toddle along to a sacred -concert in the afternoon, and home to an early dinner. We usually -played dominoes after dinner. And then the early bed and the refreshing -sleep. We had a great time. I was awfully sorry when he went away to -Boston.' - -'Oh! Wilmot is in Boston?' - -'Yes. I ought to have let you know, but of course we didn't know where -you were. You were dodging all over the place like a snipe--I mean, -don't you know, dodging all over the place, and we couldn't get at you. -Yes, Motty went off to Boston.' - -'You're sure he went to Boston?' - -'Oh, absolutely.' I called out to Jeeves, who was now messing about in -the next room with forks and so forth: 'Jeeves, Lord Pershore didn't -change his mind about going to Boston, did he?' - -'No, sir.' - -'I thought I was right. Yes, Motty went to Boston.' - -'Then how do you account, Mr Wooster, for the fact that when I went -yesterday afternoon to Blackwell's Island prison, to secure material -for my book, I saw poor, dear Wilmot there, dressed in a striped suit, -seated beside a pile of stones with a hammer in his hands?' - -I tried to think of something to say, but nothing came. A fellow has -to be a lot broader about the forehead than I am to handle a jolt like -this. I strained the old bean till it creaked, but between the collar -and the hair parting nothing stirred. I was dumb. Which was lucky, -because I wouldn't have had a chance to get any persiflage out of my -system. Lady Malvern collared the conversation. She had been bottling -it up, and now it came out with a rush. - -'So this is how you have looked after my poor, dear boy, Mr Wooster! -So this is how you have abused my trust! I left him in your charge, -thinking that I could rely on you to shield him from evil. He came to -you innocent, unversed in the ways of the world, confiding, unused to -the temptations of a large city, and you led him astray!' - -I hadn't any remarks to make. All I could think of was the picture -of Aunt Agatha drinking all this in and reaching out to sharpen the -hatchet against my return. - -'You deliberately--' - -Far away in the misty distance a soft voice spoke: - -'If I might explain, your ladyship.' - -Jeeves had projected himself in from the dining-room and materialized -on the rug. Lady Malvern tried to freeze him with a look, but you can't -do that sort of thing to Jeeves. He is look-proof. - -'I fancy, your ladyship, that you may have misunderstood Mr Wooster, -and that he may have given you the impression that he was in New York -when his lordship was--removed. When Mr Wooster informed your ladyship -that his lordship had gone to Boston, he was relying on the version -I had given him of his lordship's movements. Mr Wooster was away, -visiting a friend in the country, at the time, and knew nothing of the -matter till your ladyship informed him.' - -Lady Malvern gave a kind of grunt. It didn't rattle Jeeves. - -'I feared Mr Wooster might be disturbed if he knew the truth, as he is -so attached to his lordship and has taken such pains to look after him, -so I took the liberty of telling him that his lordship had gone away -for a visit. It might have been hard for Mr Wooster to believe that -his lordship had gone to prison voluntarily and from the best motives, -but your ladyship, knowing him better, will readily understand.' - -'What!' Lady Malvern goggled at him. 'Did you say that Lord Pershore -went to prison voluntarily?' - -'If I might explain, your ladyship. I think that your ladyship's -parting words made a deep impression on his lordship. I have frequently -heard him speak to Mr Wooster of his desire to do something to follow -your ladyship's instructions and collect material for your ladyship's -book on America. Mr Wooster will bear me out when I say that his -lordship was frequently extremely depressed at the thought that he was -doing so little to help.' - -'Absolutely, by Jove! Quite pipped about it!' I said. - -'The idea of making a personal examination into the prison system of -the country--from within--occurred to his lordship very suddenly one -night. He embraced it eagerly. There was no restraining him.' - -Lady Malvern looked at Jeeves, then at me, then at Jeeves again. I -could see her struggling with the thing. - -'Surely, your ladyship,' said Jeeves, 'it is more reasonable to suppose -that a gentleman of his lordship's character went to prison of his -own volition than that he committed some breach of the law which -necessitated his arrest?' - -Lady Malvern blinked. Then she got up. - -'Mr Wooster,' she said, 'I apologize. I have done you an injustice. I -should have known Wilmot better. I should have had more faith in his -pure, fine spirit.' - -'Absolutely!' I said. - - * * * * * - -'Your breakfast is ready, sir,' said Jeeves. - -I sat down and dallied in a dazed sort of way with a poached egg. - -'Jeeves,' I said, 'you are certainly a life-saver.' - -'Thank you, sir.' - -'Nothing would have convinced my Aunt Agatha, that I hadn't lured that -blighter into riotous living.' - -'I fancy you are right, sir.' - -I champed my egg for a bit. I was most awfully moved, don't you know, -by the way Jeeves had rallied round. Something seemed to tell me that -this was an occasion that called for rich rewards. For a moment I -hesitated. Then I made up my mind. - -'Jeeves!' - -'Sir?' - -'That pink tie.' - -'Yes, sir?' - -'Burn it.' - -'Thank you, sir.' - -'And, Jeeves.' - -'Yes, sir?' - -'Take a taxi and get me that White House Wonder hat, as worn by -President Coolidge.' - -'Thank you very much, sir.' - -I felt most awfully braced. I felt as if the clouds had rolled away -and all was as it used to be. I felt like one of those chappies in the -novels who calls off the fight with his wife in the last chapter and -decides to forget and forgive. I felt I wanted to do all sorts of other -things to show Jeeves that I appreciated him. - -'Jeeves,' I said, 'it isn't enough. Is there anything else you would -like?' - -'Yes, sir. If I may make the suggestion--fifty dollars.' - -'Fifty dollars?' - -'It will enable me to pay a debt of honour, sir. I owe it to his -lordship.' - -'You owe Lord Pershore fifty dollars?' - -'Yes, sir. I happened to meet him in the street the night his lordship -was arrested. I had been thinking a good deal about the most suitable -method of inducing him to abandon his mode of living, sir. His lordship -was a little over-excited at the time, and I fancy that he mistook me -for a friend of his. At any rate, when I took the liberty of wagering -him fifty dollars that he would not punch a passing policeman in the -eye, he accepted the bet very cordially and won it.' - -I produced my pocket-book and counted out a hundred. - -'Take this, Jeeves,' I said; 'fifty isn't enough. Do you know, Jeeves, -you're--well, you absolutely stand alone!' - -'I endeavour to give satisfaction, sir,' said Jeeves. - - - - - 4--Jeeves and the Hard-Boiled Egg - - -Sometimes of a morning, as I've sat in bed sucking down the early cup -of tea and watched Jeeves flitting about the room and putting out the -raiment for the day, I've wondered what the deuce I should do if the -fellow ever took it into his head to leave me. It's not so bad when -I'm in New York, but in London the anxiety is frightful. There used -to be all sorts of attempts on the part of low blighters to sneak him -away from me. Young Reggie Foljambe to my certain knowledge offered him -double what I was giving him, and Alistair Bingham-Reeves, who's got a -valet who had been known to press his trousers sideways, used to look -at him, when he came to see me, with a kind of glittering, hungry eye -which disturbed me deucedly. Bally pirates! - -The thing, you see, is that Jeeves is so dashed competent. You can spot -it even in the way he shoves studs into a shirt. - -I rely on him absolutely in every crisis, and he never lets me down. -And, what's more, he can always be counted on to extend himself -on behalf of any pal of mine who happens to be to all appearances -knee-deep in the bouillon. Take the rather rummy case, for instance, of -dear old Bicky and his uncle, the hard-boiled egg. - -It happened after I had been in America for a few months. I got back to -the flat latish one night, and when Jeeves brought me the final drink -he said: - -'Mr Bickersteth called to see you this evening, sir, while you were -out.' - -'Oh?' I said. - -'Twice, sir. He appeared a trifle agitated.' - -'What, pipped?' - -'He gave that impression, sir.' - -I sipped the whisky. I was sorry if Bicky was in trouble, but, as a -matter of fact, I was rather glad to have something I could discuss -freely with Jeeves just then, because things had been a bit strained -between us for some time, and it had been rather difficult to hit on -anything to talk about that wasn't apt to take a personal turn. You -see, I had decided--rightly or wrongly--to grow a moustache, and this -had cut Jeeves to the quick. He couldn't stick the thing at any price, -and I had been living ever since in an atmosphere of bally disapproval -till I was getting jolly well fed up with it. What I mean is, while -there's no doubt that in certain matters of dress Jeeves's judgement -is absolutely sound and should be followed, it seemed to me that it -was getting a bit too thick if he was going to edit my face as well -as my costume. No one can call me an unreasonable chappie, and many's -the time I've given in like a lamb when Jeeves has voted against one -of my pet suits or ties; but when it comes to a valet's staking out a -claim on your upper lip you've simply got to have a bit of the good old -bulldog pluck and defy the blighter. - -'He said that he would call again later, sir.' - -'Something must be up, Jeeves.' - -'Yes, sir.' - -I gave the moustache a thoughtful twirl. It seemed to hurt Jeeves a -good deal, so I chucked it. - -'I see by the paper, sir, that Mr Bickersteth's uncle is arriving on -the _Carmantic_.' - -'Yes?' - -'His Grace the Duke of Chiswick, sir.' - -This was news to me, that Bicky's uncle was a duke. Rum, how little one -knows about one's pals. I had met Bicky for the first time at a species -of beano or jamboree down in Washington Square, not long after my -arrival in New York. I suppose I was a bit homesick at the time, and I -rather took to Bicky when I found that he was an Englishman and had, in -fact, been up at Oxford with me. Besides, he was a frightful chump, so -we naturally drifted together; and while we were taking a quiet snort -in a corner that wasn't all cluttered up with artists and sculptors, -he furthermore endeared himself to me by a most extraordinarily gifted -imitation of a bull-terrier chasing a cat up a tree. But, though we had -subsequently become extremely pally, all I really knew about him was -that he was generally hard up, and had an uncle who relieved the strain -a bit from time to time by sending him monthly remittances. - -'If the Duke of Chiswick is his uncle,' I said, 'why hasn't he a title? -Why isn't he Lord What-Not?' - -'Mr Bickersteth is the son of His Grace's late sister, sir, who married -Captain Rollo Bickersteth of the Coldstream Guards.' - -Jeeves knows everything. - -'Is Mr Bickersteth's father dead too?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Leave any money?' - -'No, sir.' - -I began to understand why poor old Bicky was always more or less on the -rocks. To the casual and irreflective observer it may sound a pretty -good wheeze having a duke for an uncle, but the trouble about old -Chiswick was that, though an extremely wealthy old buster, owning half -London and about five counties up north, he was notoriously the most -prudent spender in England. He was what Americans call a hard-boiled -egg. If Bicky's people hadn't left him anything and he depended on what -he could prise out of the old duke, he was in a pretty bad way. Not -that that explained why he was hunting me like this, because he was a -chap who never borrowed money. He said he wanted to keep his pals, so -never bit anyone's ear on principle. - -At this juncture the door-bell rang. Jeeves floated out to answer it. - -'Yes, sir. Mr Wooster has just returned,' I heard him say. And Bicky -came beetling in, looking pretty sorry for himself. - -'Hallo, Bicky,' I said. 'Jeeves told me you had been trying to get me. -What's the trouble, Bicky?' - -'I'm in a hole, Bertie. I want your advice.' - -'Say on, old lad.' - -'My uncle's turning up tomorrow, Bertie.' - -'So Jeeves told me.' - -'The Duke of Chiswick, you know.' - -'So Jeeves told me.' - -Bicky seemed a bit surprised. - -'Jeeves seems to know everything.' - -'Rather rummily, that's exactly what I was thinking just now myself.' - -'Well, I wish,' said Bicky, gloomily, 'that he knew a way to get me out -of the hole I'm in.' - -'Mr Bickersteth is in a hole, Jeeves,' I said, 'and wants you to rally -round.' - -'Very good, sir.' - -Bicky looked a bit doubtful. - -'Well, of course, you know, Bertie, this thing is by way of being a bit -private and all that.' - -'I shouldn't worry about that, old top. I bet Jeeves knows all about it -already. Don't you, Jeeves?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Eh?' said Bicky, rattled. - -'I am open to correction, sir, but is not your dilemma due to the fact -that you are at a loss to explain to His Grace why you are in New York -instead of in Colorado?' - -Bicky rocked like a jelly in a high wind. - -'How the deuce do you know anything about it?' - -'I chanced to meet His Grace's butler before we left England. He -informed me that he happened to overhear His Grace speaking to you on -the matter, sir, as he passed the library door.' - -Bicky gave a hollow sort of laugh. - -'Well, as everybody seems to know all about it, there's no need to try -to keep it dark. The old boy turfed me out, Bertie, because he said -I was a brainless nincompoop. The idea was that he would give me a -remittance on condition that I dashed out to some blighted locality of -the name of Colorado and learned farming or ranching, or whatever they -call it, at some bally ranch or farm, or whatever it's called. I didn't -fancy the idea a bit. I should have had to ride horses and pursue cows, -and so forth. At the same time, don't you know, I had to have that -remittance.' - -'I get you absolutely, old thing.' - -'Well, when I got to New York it looked a decent sort of place to me, -so I thought it would be a pretty sound notion to stop here. So I -cabled to my uncle telling him that I had dropped into a good business -wheeze in the city and wanted to chuck the ranch idea. He wrote back -that it was all right, and here I've been ever since. He thinks I'm -doing well at something or other over here. I never dreamed, don't you -know, that he would ever come out here. What on earth am I to do?' - -'Jeeves,' I said, 'what on earth is Mr Bickersteth to do?' - -'You see,' said Bicky, 'I had a wireless from him to say that he was -coming to stay with me--to save hotel bills, I suppose. I've always -given him the impression that I was living in pretty good style. I -can't have him to stay at my boarding-house.' - -'Thought of anything, Jeeves?' I said. - -'To what extent, sir, if the question is not a delicate one, are you -prepared to assist Mr Bickersteth?' - -'I'll do anything I can for you, of course, Bicky, old man.' - -'Then, if I might make the suggestion, sir, you might lend Mr -Bickersteth--' - -'No, by Jove!' said Bicky firmly. 'I never have touched you, Bertie, -and I'm not going to start now. I may be a chump, but it's my boast -that I don't owe a penny to a single soul--not counting tradesmen, of -course.' - -'I was about to suggest, sir, that you might lend Mr Bickersteth this -flat. Mr Bickersteth could give His Grace the impression that he was -the owner of it. With your permission I could convey the notion that -I was in Mr Bickersteth's employment and not in yours. You would be -residing here temporarily as Mr Bickersteth's guest. His Grace would -occupy the second spare bedroom. I fancy that you would find this -answer satisfactory, sir.' - -Bicky had stopped rocking himself and was staring at Jeeves in an awed -sort of way. - -'I would advocate the dispatching of a wireless message to His Grace -on board the vessel, notifying him of the change of address. Mr -Bickersteth could meet His Grace at the dock and proceed directly here. -Will that meet the situation, sir?' - -'Absolutely.' - -'Thank you, sir.' - -Bicky followed him with his eye till the door closed. - -'How does he do it, Bertie?' he said. 'I'll tell you what I think it -is. I believe it's something to do with the shape of his head. Have you -ever noticed his head, Bertie, old man? It sort of sticks out at the -back!' - - * * * * * - -I hopped out of bed pretty early next morning, so as to be among those -present when the old boy should arrive. I knew from experience that -these ocean liners fetch up at the dock at a deucedly ungodly hour. -It wasn't much after nine by the time I'd dressed and had my morning -tea and was leaning out of the window, watching the street for Bicky -and his uncle. It was one of those jolly, peaceful mornings that make -a chappie wish he'd got a soul or something, and I was just brooding -on life in general when I became aware of the dickens of a spat in -progress down below. A taxi had driven up, and an old boy in a top hat -had got out and was kicking up a frightful row about the fare. As far -as I could make out, he was trying to get the cabby to switch from New -York to London prices, and the cabby had apparently never heard of -London before, and didn't seem to think a lot of it now. The old boy -said that in London the trip would have set him back a shilling; and -the cabby said he should worry. I called to Jeeves. - -'The duke has arrived, Jeeves.' - -'Yes, sir?' - -'That'll be him at the door now.' - -Jeeves made a long arm and opened the front door, and the old boy -crawled in. - -'How do you do, sir?' I said, bustling up and being the ray of -sunshine. 'Your nephew went down to the dock to meet you, but you -must have missed him. My name's Wooster, don't you know. Great pal of -Bicky's, and all that sort of thing. I'm staying with him, you know. -Would you like a cup of tea? Jeeves, bring a cup of tea.' - -Old Chiswick had sunk into an arm-chair and was looking about the room. - -'Does this luxurious flat belong to my nephew Francis?' - -'Absolutely.' - -'It must be terribly expensive.' - -'Pretty well, of course. Everything costs a lot over here, you know.' - -He moaned. Jeeves filtered in with the tea. Old Chiswick took a stab at -it to restore his tissues, and nodded. - -'A terrible country, Mr Wooster! A terrible country. Nearly eight -shillings for a short cab-drive. Iniquitous!' He took another look -round the room. It seemed to fascinate him. 'Have you any idea how -much my nephew pays for this flat, Mr Wooster?' - -'About two hundred dollars a month, I believe.' - -'What! Forty pounds a month!' - -I began to see that, unless I made the thing a bit more plausible, -the scheme might turn out a frost. I could guess what the old boy was -thinking. He was trying to square all this prosperity with what he knew -of poor old Bicky. And one had to admit that it took a lot of squaring, -for dear old Bicky, though a stout fellow and absolutely unrivalled as -an imitator of bull-terriers and cats, was in many ways one of the most -pronounced fatheads that ever pulled on a suit of gents' underwear. - -'I suppose it seems rummy to you,' I said, 'but the fact is New York -often bucks fellows up and makes them show a flash of speed that you -wouldn't have imagined them capable of. It sort of develops them. -Something in the air, don't you know. I imagine that Bicky in the -past, when you knew him, may have been something of a chump, but it's -quite different now. Devilish efficient sort of bird, and looked on in -commercial circles as quite the nib!' - -'I am amazed! What is the nature of my nephew's business, Mr Wooster?' - -'Oh, just business, don't you know. The same sort of thing Rockefeller -and all these coves do, you know.' I slid for the door. 'Awfully sorry -to leave you, but I've got to meet some of the lads elsewhere.' - -Coming out of the lift I met Bicky bustling in from the street. - -'Hallo, Bertie. I missed him. Has he turned up?' - -'He's upstairs now, having some tea.' - -'What does he think of it all?' - -'He's absolutely rattled.' - -'Ripping! I'll be toddling up, then. Toodle-oo, Bertie, old man. See -you later.' - -'Pip-pip, Bicky, dear boy.' - -He trotted off, full of merriment and good cheer, and I went off to the -club to sit in the window and watch the traffic coming up one way and -going down the other. - -It was latish in the evening when I looked in at the flat to dress for -dinner. - -'Where's everybody, Jeeves?' I said, finding no little feet pattering -about the place. 'Gone out?' - -'His Grace desired to see some of the sights of the city, sir. Mr -Bickersteth is acting as his escort. I fancy their immediate objective -was Grant's Tomb.' - -'I suppose Mr Bickersteth is a bit bucked at the way things are -going--what?' - -'Sir?' - -'I say, I take it that Mr Bickersteth is tolerably full of beans.' - -'Not altogether, sir.' - -'What's his trouble now?' - -'The scheme which I took the liberty of suggesting to Mr Bickersteth -and yourself has, unfortunately, not answered entirely satisfactorily, -sir.' - -'Surely the duke believes that Mr Bickersteth is doing well in -business, and all that sort of thing?' - -'Exactly, sir. With the result that he has decided to cancel Mr -Bickersteth's monthly allowance, on the ground that, as Mr Bickersteth -is doing so well on his own account, he no longer requires pecuniary -assistance.' - -'Great Scott, Jeeves! This is awful!' - -'Somewhat disturbing, sir.' - -'I never expected anything like this!' - -'I confess I scarcely anticipated the contingency myself, sir.' - -'I suppose it bowled the poor blighter over absolutely?' - -'Mr Bickersteth appeared somewhat taken aback, sir.' - -My heart bled for Bicky. - -'We must do something, Jeeves.' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Can you think of anything?' - -'Not at the moment, sir.' - -'There must be something we can do.' - -'It was a maxim of one of my former employers, sir--as I believe I -mentioned to you once before--the present Lord Bridgworth, that there -is always a way. No doubt we shall be able to discover some solution of -Mr Bickersteth's difficulty, sir.' - -'Well, have a stab at it, Jeeves.' - -'I will spare no pains, sir.' - -I went and dressed sadly. It will show you pretty well how pipped I was -when I tell you that I as near as a toucher put on a white tie with a -dinner-jacket. I sallied out for a bit of food more to pass the time -than because I wanted it. It seemed brutal to be wading into the bill -of fare with poor old Bicky headed for the bread-line. - -When I got back old Chiswick had gone to bed, but Bicky was there, -hunched up in an arm-chair, brooding pretty tensely, with a cigarette -hanging out of the corner of his mouth and a more or less glassy stare -in his eyes. - -'This is a bit thick, old thing--what!' I said. - -He picked up his glass and drained it feverishly, overlooking the fact -that it hadn't anything in it. - -'I'm done, Bertie!' he said. - -He had another go at the glass. It didn't seem to do him any good. - -'If only this had happened a week later, Bertie! My next month's money -was due to roll in on Saturday. I could have worked a wheeze I've been -reading about in the magazine advertisements. It seems that you can -make a dashed amount of money if you can only collect a few dollars and -start a chicken farm. Jolly life, too, keeping hens!' He had begun to -get quite worked up at the thought of it, but he slopped back in his -chair at this juncture with a good deal of gloom. 'But, of course, it's -no good,' he said, 'because I haven't the cash.' - -'You've only to say the word, you know, Bicky, old top.' - -'Thanks awfully, Bertie, but I'm not going to sponge on you.' - -That's always the way in this world. The chappies you'd like to lend -money to won't let you, whereas the chappies you don't want to lend -it to will do everything except actually stand you on your head and -lift the specie out of your pockets. As a lad who has always rolled -tolerably freely in the right stuff, I've had lots of experience of -the second class. Many's the time, back in London, I've hurried along -Piccadilly and felt the hot breath of the toucher on the back of my -neck and heard his sharp, excited yapping as he closed in on me. I've -simply spent my life scattering largesse to blighters I didn't care a -hang for; yet here was I now, dripping doubloons and pieces of eight -and longing to hand them over, and Bicky, poor fish, absolutely on his -uppers, not taking any at any price. - -'Well, there's only one hope then.' - -'What's that?' - -'Jeeves.' - -'Sir?' - -There was Jeeves, standing behind me, full of zeal. In this matter of -shimmering into rooms the man is rummy to a degree. You're sitting in -the old arm-chair, thinking of this and that, and then suddenly you -look up, and there he is. He moves from point to point with as little -uproar as a jelly-fish. The thing startled poor old Bicky considerably. -He rose from his seat like a rocketing pheasant. I'm used to Jeeves -now, but often in the days when he first came to me I've bitten my -tongue freely on finding him unexpectedly in my midst. - -'Did you call, sir?' - -'Oh, there you are, Jeeves!' - -'Precisely, sir.' - -'Any ideas, Jeeves?' - -'Why, yes, sir. Since we had our recent conversation I fancy I have -found what may prove a solution. I do not wish to appear to be taking -a liberty, sir, but I think that we have overlooked His Grace's -potentialities as a source of revenue.' - -Bicky laughed what I have sometimes seen described as a hollow, mocking -laugh, a sort of bitter cackle from the back of the throat, rather like -a gargle. - -'I do not allude, sir,' explained Jeeves, 'to the possibility of -inducing His Grace to part with money. I am taking the liberty of -regarding His Grace in the light of an at present--if I may say -so--useless property, which is capable of being developed.' - -Bicky looked at me in a helpless kind of way. I'm bound to say I didn't -get it myself. - -'Couldn't you make it a bit easier, Jeeves?' - -'In a nutshell, sir, what I mean is this: His Grace is, in a sense, a -prominent personage. The inhabitants of this country, as no doubt you -are aware, sir, are peculiarly addicted to shaking hands with prominent -personages. It occurred to me that Mr Bickersteth or yourself might -know of persons who would be willing to pay a small fee--let us say -two dollars or three--for the privilege of an introduction, including -handshake, to His Grace.' - -Bicky didn't seem to think much of it. - -'Do you mean to say that anyone would be mug enough to part with solid -cash just to shake hands with my uncle?' - -'I have an aunt, sir, who paid five shillings to a young fellow for -bringing a moving-picture actor to tea at her house one Sunday. It gave -her social standing among the neighbours.' - -Bicky wavered. - -'If you think it could be done--' - -'I feel convinced of it, sir.' - -'What do you think, Bertie?' - -'I'm for it, old boy, absolutely. A very brainy wheeze.' - -'Thank you, sir. Will there be anything further? Good night, sir.' - -And he flitted out, leaving us to discuss details. - - * * * * * - -Until we started this business of floating old Chiswick as a -money-making proposition I had never realized what a perfectly foul -time those Stock Exchange fellows must have when the public isn't -biting freely. Nowadays I read that bit they put in the financial -reports about 'The market opened quietly' with a sympathetic eye, for, -by Jove, it certainly opened quietly for us. You'd hardly believe how -difficult it was to interest the public and make them take a flutter on -the old boy. By the end of a week the only name we had on our list was -a delicatessen-store keeper down in Bicky's part of the town, and as he -wanted us to take it out in sliced ham instead of cash that didn't help -much. There was a gleam of light when the brother of Bicky's pawnbroker -offered ten dollars, money down, for an introduction to old Chiswick, -but the deal fell through, owing to its turning out that the chap was -an anarchist and intended to kick the old boy instead of shaking hands -with him. At that, it took me the deuce of a time to persuade Bicky not -to grab the cash and let things take their course. He seemed to regard -the pawnbroker's brother rather as a sportsman and benefactor of his -species than otherwise. - -The whole thing, I'm inclined to think, would have been off if it -hadn't been for Jeeves. There is no doubt that Jeeves is in a class of -his own. In the matter of brain and resource I don't think I have ever -met a chappie so supremely like mother made. He trickled into my room -one morning with the good old cup of tea, and intimated that there was -something doing. - -'Might I speak to you with regard to that matter of His Grace, sir?' - -'It's all off. We've decided to chuck it.' - -'Sir?' - -'It won't work. We can't get anybody to come.' - -'I fancy I can arrange that aspect of the matter, sir.' - -'Do you mean to say you've managed to get anybody?' - -'Yes, sir. Eighty-seven gentlemen from Birdsburg, sir.' I sat up in bed -and spilt the tea. - -'Birdsburg?' - -'Birdsburg, Missouri, sir.' - -'How did you get them?' - -'I happened last night, sir, as you had intimated that you would be -absent from home, to attend a theatrical performance, and entered -into conversation between the acts with the occupant of the adjoining -seat. I had observed that he was wearing a somewhat ornate decoration -in his buttonhole, sir--a large blue button with the words "Boost -for Birdsburg" upon it in red letters, scarcely a judicious addition -to a gentleman's evening costume. To my surprise I noticed that the -auditorium was full of persons similarly decorated. I ventured to -inquire the explanation, and was informed that these gentlemen, forming -a party of eighty-seven, are a convention from a town of the name -of Birdsburg in the State of Missouri. Their visit, I gathered, was -purely of a social and pleasurable nature, and my informant spoke at -some length of the entertainments arranged for their stay in the city. -It was when he related with a considerable amount of satisfaction and -pride that a deputation of their number had been introduced to and had -shaken hands with a well-known prize-fighter that it occurred to me -to broach the subject of His Grace. To make a long story short, sir, -I have arranged, subject to your approval, that the entire convention -shall be presented to His Grace tomorrow afternoon.' - -I was amazed. - -'Eighty-seven, Jeeves! At how much a head?' - -'I was obliged to agree to a reduction for quantity, sir. The terms -finally arrived at were one hundred and fifty dollars for the party.' - -I thought a bit. - -'Payable in advance?' - -'No, sir. I endeavoured to obtain payment in advance, but was not -successful.' - -'Well, anyway, when we get it I'll make it up to five hundred. Bicky'll -never know. Do you suppose Mr Bickersteth would suspect anything, -Jeeves, if I made it up to five hundred?' - -'I fancy not, sir. Mr Bickersteth is an agreeable gentleman, but not -bright.' - -'All right, then. After breakfast run down to the bank and get me some -money.' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'You know, you're a bit of a marvel, Jeeves.' - -'Thank you, sir.' - -'Right-ho!' - -'Very good, sir.' - -When I took dear old Bicky aside in the course of the morning and -told him what had happened he nearly broke down. He tottered into the -sitting-room and buttonholed old Chiswick, who was reading the comic -section of the morning paper with a kind of grim resolution. - -'Uncle,' he said, 'are you doing anything special tomorrow afternoon? -I mean to say, I've asked a few of my pals in to meet you, don't you -know.' - -The old boy cocked a speculative eye at him. - -'There will be no reporters among them?' - -'Reporters? Rather not. Why?' - -'I refuse to be badgered by reporters. There were a number of adhesive -young men who endeavoured to elicit from me my views on America while -the boat was approaching the dock. I will not be subjected to this -persecution again.' - -'That'll be absolutely all right, uncle. There won't be a newspaper man -in the place.' - -'In that case I shall be glad to make the acquaintance of your -friends.' - -'You'll shake hands with them, and so forth?' - -'I shall naturally order my behaviour according to the accepted rules -of civilized intercourse.' - -Bicky thanked him heartily and came off to lunch with me at the club, -where he babbled freely of hens, incubators, and other rotten things. - - * * * * * - -After mature consideration we had decided to unleash the Birdsburg -contingent on the old boy ten at a time. Jeeves brought his theatre -pal round to see us, and we arranged the whole thing with him. A very -decent chappie, but rather inclined to collar the conversation and -turn it in the direction of his home-town's new water-supply system. -We settled that, as an hour was about all he would be likely to stand, -each gang should consider itself entitled to seven minutes of the -duke's society by Jeeves's stop-watch, and that when their time was up -Jeeves should slide into the room and cough meaningly. Then we parted -with what I believe are called mutual expressions of goodwill, the -Birdsburg chappie extending a cordial invitation to us all to pop out -some day and take a look at the new water-supply system, for which we -thanked him. - -Next day the deputation rolled in. The first shift consisted of the -cove we had met and nine others almost exactly like him in every -respect. They all looked deuced keen and business-like, as if from -youth up they had been working in the office and catching the boss's -eye and what-not. They shook hands with the old boy with a good deal -of apparent satisfaction--all except one chappie, who seemed to be -brooding about something--and then they stood off and became chatty. - -'What message have you for Birdsburg, duke?' asked our pal. - -The old boy seemed a bit rattled. - -'I have never been to Birdsburg.' - -The chappie seemed pained. - -'You should pay it a visit,' he said. 'The most rapidly growing city in -the country. Boost for Birdsburg!' - -'Boost for Birdsburg!' said the other chappies reverently. - -The chappie who had been brooding suddenly gave tongue. - -'Say!' - -He was a stout sort of well-fed cove with one of those determined chins -and a cold eye. - -The assemblage looked at him. - -'As a matter of business,' said the chappie--'mind you, I'm not -questioning anybody's good faith, but, as a matter of strict -business--I think this gentleman here ought to put himself on record -before witnesses as stating that he really is a duke.' - -'What do you mean, sir?' cried the old boy, getting purple. - -'No offence, simply business. I'm not saying anything, mind you, but -there's one thing that seems kind of funny to me. This gentleman here -says his name's Mr Bickersteth, as I understand it. Well, if you're the -Duke of Chiswick, why isn't he Lord Percy Something? I've read English -novels, and I know all about it.' - -'This is monstrous!' - -'Now don't get hot under the collar. I'm only asking. I've a right to -know. You're going to take our money, so it's only fair that we should -see that we get our money's worth.' - -The water-supply cove chipped in: - -'You're quite right, Simms. I overlooked that when making the -agreement. You see, gentlemen, as business men we've a right to -reasonable guarantees of good faith. We are paying Mr Bickersteth here -a hundred and fifty dollars for this reception, and we naturally want -to know--' - -Old Chiswick gave Bicky a searching look; then he turned to the -water-supply chappie. He was frightfully calm. - -'I can assure you that I know nothing of this,' he said quite politely. -'I should be grateful if you would explain.' - -'Well, we arranged with Mr Bickersteth that eighty-seven citizens -of Birdsburg should have the privilege of meeting and shaking hands -with you for a financial consideration mutually arranged, and what my -friend Simms here means--and I'm with him--is that we have only Mr -Bickersteth's word for it--and he is a stranger to us--that you are the -Duke of Chiswick at all.' - -Old Chiswick gulped. - -'Allow me to assure you, sir,' he said in a rummy kind of voice, 'that -I am the Duke of Chiswick.' - -'Then that's all right,' said the chappie heartily. 'That was all we -wanted to know. Let the thing go on.' - -'I am sorry to say,' said old Chiswick, 'that it cannot go on. I am -feeling a little tired. I fear I must ask to be excused.' - -'But there are seventy-seven of the boys waiting round the corner at -this moment, duke, to be introduced to you.' - -'I fear I must disappoint them.' - -'But in that case the deal would have to be off.' - -'That is a matter for you and my nephew to discuss.' - -The chappie seemed troubled. - -'You really won't meet the rest of them?' - -'No!' - -'Well, then, I guess we'll be going.' - -They went out, and there was a pretty solid silence. Then old Chiswick -turned to Bicky: - -'Well?' - -Bicky didn't seem to have anything to say. - -'Was it true what that man said?' - -'Yes, uncle.' - -'What do you mean by playing this trick?' - -Bicky seemed pretty well knocked out, so I put in a word: 'I think -you'd better explain the whole thing, Bicky, old top.' - -Bicky's adam's apple jumped about a bit; then he started. - -'You see, you had cut off my allowance, uncle, and I wanted a bit of -money to start a chicken farm. I mean to say it's an absolute cert if -you once get a bit of capital. You buy a hen, and it lays an egg every -day of the week, and you sell the egg, say, seven for twenty-five -cents. Keep of hen costs nothing. Profit practically--' - -'What is all this nonsense about hens? You led me to suppose you were a -substantial business man.' - -'Old Bicky rather exaggerated, sir,' I said, helping the chappie -out. 'The fact is, the poor old lad is absolutely dependent on that -remittance of yours, and when you cut it off, don't you know, he was -pretty solidly in the soup, and had to think of some way of closing -in on a bit of the ready pretty quick. That's why we thought of this -hand-shaking scheme.' - -Old Chiswick foamed at the mouth. - -'So you have lied to me! You have deliberately deceived me as to your -financial status!' - -'Poor old Bicky didn't want to go to that ranch,' I explained. 'He -doesn't like cows and horses, but he rather thinks he would be hot -stuff among the hens. All he wants is a bit of capital. Don't you think -it would be rather a wheeze if you were to--' - -'After what has happened? After this--this deceit and foolery? Not a -penny!' - -'But--' - -'Not a penny!' - -There was a respectful cough in the background. - -'If I might make a suggestion, sir?' - -Jeeves was standing on the horizon, looking devilish brainy. - -'Go ahead, Jeeves!' I said. - -'I would merely suggest, sir, that if Mr Bickersteth is in need of -a little ready money, and is at a loss to obtain it elsewhere he -might secure the sum he requires by describing the occurrences of -this afternoon for the Sunday issue of one of the more spirited and -enterprising newspapers.' - -'By Jove!' I said. - -'By George!' said Bicky. - -'Great heavens!' said old Chiswick. - -'Very good, sir,' said Jeeves. - -Bicky turned to old Chiswick with a gleaming eye. - -'Jeeves is right! I'll do it! The _Chronicle_ would jump at it. They -eat that sort of stuff.' - -Old Chiswick gave a kind of moaning howl. - -'I absolutely forbid you, Francis, to do this thing!' - -'That's all very well,' said Bicky, wonderfully braced, 'but if I can't -get the money any other way--' - -'Wait! Er--wait, my boy! You are so impetuous! We might arrange -something.' - -'I won't go to that bally ranch.' - -'No, no! No, no, my boy! I would not suggest it. I would not for a -moment suggest it. I--I think--' He seemed to have a bit of a struggle -with himself. 'I--I think that, on the whole it would be best if you -returned with me to England. I--I might--in fact, I think I see my -way to doing--to--I might be able to utilize your services in some -secretarial position.' - -'I shouldn't mind that.' - -'I should not be able to offer you a salary, but, as you know, in -English political life the unpaid secretary is a recognized figure--' - -'The only figure I'll recognize,' said Bicky firmly, 'is five hundred -quid a year, paid quarterly.' - -'My dear boy!' - -'Absolutely!' - -'But your recompense, my dear Francis, would consist in the unrivalled -opportunities you would have, as my secretary, to gain experience, to -accustom yourself to the intricacies of political life, to--in fact, -you would be in an exceedingly advantageous position.' - -'Five hundred a year!' said Bicky, rolling it round his tongue. 'Why, -that would be nothing to what I could make if I started a chicken farm. -It stands to reason. Suppose you have a dozen hens. Each of the hens -has a dozen chickens. After a bit the chickens grow up and have a dozen -chickens each themselves, and then they all start laying eggs! There's -a fortune in it. You can get anything you like for eggs in America. -Fellows keep them on ice for years and years, and don't sell them -till they fetch about a dollar a whirl. You don't think I'm going to -chuck a future like this for anything under five hundred o' goblins a -year--what?' - -A look of anguish passed over old Chiswick's face, then he seemed to be -resigned to it. 'Very well, my boy,' he said. - -'What ho!' said Bicky. 'All right, then.' - - * * * * * - -'Jeeves,' I said. Bicky had taken the old boy off to dinner to -celebrate, and we were alone. 'Jeeves, this has been one of your best -efforts.' - -'Thank you, sir.' - -'It beats me how you do it.' - -'Yes, sir?' - -'The only trouble is you haven't got much out of it yourself.' - -'I fancy Mr Bickersteth intends--I judge from his remarks--to signify -his appreciation of anything I have been fortunate enough to do to -assist him, at some later date when he is in a more favourable position -to do so.' - -'It isn't enough, Jeeves!' - -'Sir?' - -It was a wrench, but I felt it was the only possible thing to be done. - -'Bring my shaving things.' - -A gleam of hope shone in the man's eye, mixed with doubt. - -'You mean, sir?' - -'And shave off my moustache.' - -There was a moment's silence. I could see the fellow was deeply moved. - -'Thank you very much indeed, sir,' he said, in a low voice. - - - - - 5--The Aunt and the Sluggard - - -Now that it's all over, I may as well admit that there was a time -during the affair of Rockmetteller Todd when I thought that Jeeves was -going to let me down. Silly of me, of course, knowing him as I do, but -that is what I thought. It seemed to me that the man had the appearance -of being baffled. - -The Rocky Todd business broke loose early one morning in spring. I -was in bed, restoring the physique with my usual nine hours of the -dreamless, when the door flew open and somebody prodded me in the lower -ribs and began to shake the bedclothes in an unpleasant manner. And -after blinking a bit and generally pulling myself together, I located -Rocky, and my first impression was that it must be some horrid dream. - -Rocky, you see, lived down on Long Island somewhere, miles away from -New York; and not only that, but he had told me himself more than -once that he never got up before twelve, and seldom earlier than one. -Constitutionally the laziest young devil in America, he had hit on a -walk in life which enabled him to go the limit in that direction. He -was a poet. At least, he wrote poems when he did anything; but most of -his time, as far as I could make out, he spent in a sort of trance. -He told me once that he could sit on a fence, watching a worm and -wondering what on earth it was up to for hours at a stretch. - -He had his scheme of life worked out to a fine point. About once a -month he would take three days writing a few poems; the other three -hundred and twenty-nine days of the year he rested. I didn't know there -was enough money in poetry to support a chappie, even in the way in -which Rocky lived; but it seems that, if you stick to exhortations to -young men to lead the strenuous life and don't shove in any rhymes, -American editors fight for the stuff. Rocky showed me one of his things -once. It began: - - Be! - Be! - The past is dead, - Tomorrow is not born. - Be today! - Today! - Be with every nerve, - With every fibre, - With every drop of your red blood! - Be! - Be! - -There were three more verses, and the thing was printed opposite the -frontispiece of a magazine with a sort of scroll round it, and a -picture in the middle of a fairly nude chappie with bulging muscles -giving the rising sun the glad eye. Rocky said they gave him a hundred -dollars for it, and he stayed in bed till four in the afternoon for -over a month. - -As regarded the future he was pretty solid, owing to the fact that he -had a moneyed aunt tucked away somewhere in Illinois. It's a curious -thing how many of my pals seem to have aunts and uncles who are their -main source of supply. There is Bicky for one, with his uncle the Duke -of Chiswick; Corky, who, until things went wrong, looked to Alexander -Worple, the bird specialist, for sustenance. And I shall be telling -you a story shortly of a dear old friend of mine, Oliver Sipperley, -who had an aunt in Yorkshire. These things cannot be mere coincidence. -They must be meant. What I'm driving at is that Providence seems to -look after the chumps of this world; and, personally, I'm all for it. I -suppose the fact is that, having been snootered from infancy upwards by -my own aunts, I like to see that it is possible for these relatives to -have a better and a softer side. - -However, this is more or less of a side-track. Coming back to Rocky, -what I was saying was that he had this aunt in Illinois; and, as he had -been named Rockmetteller after her (which in itself, you might say, -entitled him to substantial compensation) and was her only nephew, his -position looked pretty sound. He told me that when he did come into the -money he meant to do no work at all, except perhaps an occasional poem -recommending the young man with life opening out before him with all -its splendid possibilities to light a pipe and shove his feet up on the -mantelpiece. - -And this was the man who was prodding me in the ribs in the grey dawn! - -'Read this, Bertie!' babbled old Rocky. - -I could just see that he was waving a letter or something equally foul -in my face. 'Wake up and read this!' - -I can't read before I've had my morning tea and a cigarette. I groped -for the bell. - -Jeeves came in, looking as fresh as a dewy violet. It's a mystery to me -how he does it. - -'Tea, Jeeves.' - -'Very good, sir.' - -I found that Rocky was surging round with his beastly letter again. - -'What is it?' I said. 'What on earth's the matter?' - -'Read it!' - -'I can't. I haven't had my tea.' - -'Well, listen then.' - -'Who's it from?' - -'My aunt.' - -At this point I fell asleep again. I woke to hear him saying: - -'So what on earth am I to do?' - -Jeeves flowed in with the tray, like some silent stream meandering over -its mossy bed; and I saw daylight. - -'Read it again, Rocky, old top,' I said. 'I want Jeeves to hear it. Mr -Todd's aunt has written him a rather rummy letter, Jeeves, and we want -your advice.' - -'Very good, sir.' - -He stood in the middle of the room, registering devotion to the cause, -and Rocky started again: - - 'My dear Rockmetteller, - - 'I have been thinking things over for a long while, and I have come - to the conclusion that I have been very thoughtless to wait so long - before doing what I am made up my mind to do now.' - -'What do you make of that, Jeeves?' - -'It seems a little obscure at present, sir, but no doubt it becomes -clearer at a later point in the communication.' - -'Proceed, old scout,' I said, champing my bread and butter. - - 'You know how all my life I have longed to visit New York and see - for myself the wonderful gay life of which I have read so much. I - fear that now it will be impossible for me to fulfil my dream. I - am old and worn out. I seem to have no strength left in me.' - -'Sad, Jeeves, what?' - -'Extremely, sir.' - -'Sad nothing!' said Rocky. 'It's sheer laziness. I went to see her last -Christmas and she was bursting with health. Her doctor told me himself -that there was nothing wrong with her whatever. But she will insist -that she's a hopeless invalid, so he has to agree with her. She's got -a fixed idea that the trip to New York would kill her; so, though it's -been her ambition all her life to come here, she stays where she is.' - -'Rather like the chappie whose heart, was "in the Highlands a-chasing -of the deer", Jeeves?' - -'The cases are in some respects parallel, sir.' - -'Carry on, Rocky, dear boy.' - - 'So I have decided that, if I cannot enjoy all the marvels of the - city myself, I can at least enjoy them through you. I suddenly - thought of this yesterday after reading a beautiful poem in the - Sunday paper about a young man who had longed all his life for a - certain thing and won it in the end only when he was too old to - enjoy it. It was very sad, and it touched me.' - -'A thing,' interpolated Rocky bitterly, 'that I've not been able to do -in ten years.' - - 'As you know, you will have my money when I am gone; but until now - I have never been able to see my way to giving you an allowance. I - have now decided to do so--on one condition. I have written to a - firm of lawyers in New York, giving them instructions to pay you - quite a substantial sum each month. My one condition is that you - live in New York and enjoy yourself as I have always wished to do. - I want you to be my representative, to spend this money for me as - I should do myself. I want you to plunge into the gay, prismatic - life of New York. I want you to be the life and soul of brilliant - supper parties. - - 'Above all, I want you--indeed, I insist on this--to write me - letters at least once a week, giving me a full description of all - you are doing and all that is going on in the city, so that I may - enjoy at second-hand what my wretched health prevents my enjoying - for myself. Remember that I shall expect full details, and that no - detail is too trivial to interest. - - Your affectionate Aunt, - - Isabel Rockmetteller.' - -'What about it?' said Rocky. - -'What about it?' I said. - -'Yes. What on earth am I going to do?' - -It was only then that I really got on to the extremely rummy attitude -of the chappie, in view of the fact that a quite unexpected mess of -good cash had suddenly descended on him from a blue sky. To my mind it -was an occasion for the beaming smile and the joyous whoop; yet here -the man was, looking and talking as if Fate had swung on his solar -plexus. It amazed me. - -'Aren't you bucked?' I said. - -'Bucked!' - -'If I were in your place I should be frightfully braced. I consider -this pretty soft for you.' - -He gave a kind of yelp, stared at me for a moment, and then began to -talk of New York in a way that reminded me of Jimmy Mundy, the reformer -bloke. Jimmy had just come to New York on a hit-the-trail campaign, and -I had popped in at Madison Square Garden a couple of days before, for -half an hour or so, to hear him. He had certainly told New York some -pretty straight things about itself, having apparently taken a dislike -to the place, but, by Jove, you know, dear old Rocky made him look like -a publicity agent for the old metrop! - -'Pretty soft!' he cried. 'To have to come and live in New York! To have -to leave my little cottage and take a stuffy, smelly, over-heated hole -of an apartment in this Heaven-forsaken, festering Gehenna. To have -to mix night after night with a mob who think that life is a sort of -St Vitus's dance, and imagine that they're having a good time because -they're making enough noise for six and drinking too much for ten. I -loathe New York, Bertie. I wouldn't come near the place if I hadn't -got to see editors occasionally. There's a blight on it. It's got moral -delirium tremens. It's the limit. The very thought of staying more than -a day in it makes me sick. And you call this thing pretty soft for me!' - -I felt rather like Lot's friends must have done when they dropped in -for a quiet chat and their genial host began to criticize the Cities of -the Plain. I had no idea old Rocky could be so eloquent. - -'It would kill me to have to live in New York,' he went on. 'To have -to share the air with six million people! To have to wear stiff -collars and decent clothes all the time! To--' He started. 'Good Lord! -I suppose I should have to dress for dinner in the evenings. What a -ghastly notion!' - -I was shocked, absolutely shocked. - -'My dear chap!' I said, reproachfully. - -'Do you dress for dinner every night, Bertie?' - -'Jeeves,' I said coldly. 'How many suits of evening clothes have we?' - -'We have three suits of full evening dress, sir; two dinner jackets--' - -'Three.' - -'For practical purposes two only, sir. If you remember, we cannot wear -the third. We have also seven white waistcoats.' - -'And shirts?' - -'Four dozen, sir.' - -'And white ties?' - -'The first two shallow shelves in the chest of drawers are completely -filled with our white ties, sir.' - -I turned to Rocky. - -'You see?' - -The chappie writhed like an electric fan. - -'I won't do it! I can't do it! I'll be hanged if I'll do it! How on -earth can I dress up like that? Do you realize that most days I don't -get out of my pyjamas till five in the afternoon, and then I just put -on an old sweater?' - -I saw Jeeves wince, poor chap. This sort of revelation shocked his -finest feelings. - -'Then, what are you going to do about it?' I said. - -'That's what I want to know.' - -'You might write and explain to your aunt.' - -'I might--if I wanted her to get round to her lawyer's in two rapid -leaps and cut me out of her will.' - -I saw his point. - -'What do you suggest, Jeeves?' I said. - -Jeeves cleared his throat respectfully. - -'The crux of the matter would appear to be, sir, that Mr Todd is -obliged by the conditions under which the money is delivered into -his possession to write Miss Rockmetteller long and detailed letters -relating to his movements, and the only method by which this can -be accomplished, if Mr Todd adheres to his expressed intention of -remaining in the country, is for Mr Todd to induce some second party to -gather the actual experiences which Miss Rockmetteller wishes reported -to her, and to convey these to him in the shape of a careful report, on -which it would be possible for him, with the aid of his imagination, to -base the suggested correspondence.' - -Having got which off the old diaphragm, Jeeves was silent. Rocky looked -at me in a helpless sort of way. He hasn't been brought up on Jeeves as -I have, and he isn't on to his curves. - -'Could he put it a little clearer, Bertie?' he said. 'I thought at the -start it was going to make sense, but it kind of flickered. What's the -idea?' - -'My dear old man, perfectly simple. I knew we could stand on Jeeves. -All you've got to do is to get somebody to go round the town for you -and take a few notes, and then you work the notes up into letters. -That's it, isn't it, Jeeves?' - -'Precisely, sir.' - -The light of hope gleamed in Rocky's eyes. He looked at Jeeves in a -startled way, dazed by the man's vast intellect. - -'But who would do it?' he said. 'It would have to be a pretty smart -sort of man, a man who would notice things.' - -'Jeeves!' I said. 'Let Jeeves do it.' - -'But would he?' - -'You would do it, wouldn't you, Jeeves?' - -For the first time in our long connexion I observed Jeeves almost -smile. The corner of his mouth curved quite a quarter of an inch, and -for a moment his eye ceased to look like a meditative fish's. - -'I should be delighted to oblige, sir. As a matter of fact, I have -already visited some of New York's places of interest on my evening -out, and it would be most enjoyable to make a practice of the pursuit.' - -'Fine! I know exactly what your aunt wants to hear about, Rocky. She -wants an earful of cabaret stuff. The place you ought to go to first, -Jeeves, is Reigelheimer's. It's on Forty-second Street. Anybody will -show you the way.' - -Jeeves shook his head. - -'Pardon me, sir. People are no longer going to Reigelheimer's. The -place at the moment is Frolics on the Roof.' - -'You see?' I said to Rocky. 'Leave it to Jeeves. He knows.' - - * * * * * - -It isn't often that you find an entire group of your fellow-humans -happy in this world; but our little circle was certainly an example of -the fact that it can be done. We were all full of beans. Everything -went absolutely right from the start. - -Jeeves was happy, partly because he loves to exercise his giant brain, -and partly because he was having a corking time among the bright -lights. I saw him one night at the Midnight Revels. He was sitting at a -table on the edge of the dancing floor, doing himself remarkably well -with a fat cigar. His face wore an expression of austere benevolence, -and he was making notes in a small book. - -As for the rest of us, I was feeling pretty good, because I was fond -of old Rocky and glad to be able to do him a good turn. Rocky was -perfectly contented, because he was still able to sit on fences in his -pyjamas and watch worms. And, as for the aunt, she seemed tickled to -death. She was getting Broadway at pretty long range, but it seemed to -be hitting her just right. I read one of her letters to Rocky, and it -was full of life. - -But then Rocky's letters, based on Jeeves's notes, were enough to -buck anybody up. It was rummy when you came to think of it. There was -I, loving the life, while the mere mention of it gave Rocky a tired -feeling; yet here is a letter I wrote home to a pal of mine in London: - - Dear Freddie, - - Well, here I am in New York. It's not a bad place. I'm not having a - bad time. Everything's not bad. The cabarets aren't bad. Don't know - when I shall be back. How's everybody? Cheerio! - - Yours, - - Bertie. - - P.S.--Seen old Ted lately? - -Not that I cared about old Ted; but if I hadn't dragged him in I -couldn't have got the confounded thing on to the second page. - -Now here's old Rocky on exactly the same subject: - - Dearest Aunt Isabel, - - How can I ever thank you enough for giving me the opportunity to - live in this astounding city! New York seems more wonderful every - day. - - Fifth Avenue is at its best, of course, just now. The dresses are - magnificent! - -Wads of stuff about the dresses. I didn't know Jeeves was such an -authority. - - I was out with some of the crowd at the Midnight Revels the other - night. We took in a show first, after a little dinner at a new place - on Forty-third Street. We were quite a gay party. Georgie Cohan - looked in about midnight and got off a good story about Willie - Collier. Fred Stone could only stay a minute, but Doug. Fairbanks - did all sorts of stunts and made us roar. Ed Wynn was there, and - Laurette Taylor showed up with a party. The show at the Revels is - quite good. I am enclosing a programme. - - Last night a few of us went round to Frolics on the Roof-- - -And so on and so forth, yards of it. I suppose it's the artistic -temperament or something. What I mean is, it's easier for a chappie -who's used to writing poems and that sort of tosh to put a bit of a -punch into a letter than it is for a fellow like me. Anyway, there's no -doubt that Rocky's correspondence was hot stuff. I called Jeeves in and -congratulated him. - -'Jeeves, you're a wonder!' - -'Thank you, sir.' - -'How you notice everything at these places beats me. I couldn't tell -you a thing about them, except that I've had a good time.' - -'It's just a knack, sir.' - -'Well, Mr Todd's letters ought to brace Miss Rockmetteller all right, -what?' - -'Undoubtedly, sir,' agreed Jeeves. - -And, by Jove, they did! They certainly did, by George! What I mean to -say is, I was sitting in the apartment one afternoon, about a month -after the thing had started, smoking a cigarette and resting the old -bean, when the door opened and the voice of Jeeves burst the silence -like a bomb. - -It wasn't that he spoke loud. He has one of those soft, soothing voices -that slide through the atmosphere like the note of a far-off sheep. It -was what he said that made me leap like a young gazelle. - -'Miss Rockmetteller!' - -And in came a large, solid female. - -The situation floored me. I'm not denying it. Hamlet must have felt -much as I did when his father's ghost bobbed up in the fairway. I'd -come to look on Rocky's aunt as such a permanency at her own home that -it didn't seem possible that she could really be here in New York. I -stared at her. Then I looked at Jeeves. He was standing there in an -attitude of dignified detachment, the chump, when, if ever he should -have been rallying round the young master, it was now. - -Rocky's aunt looked less like an invalid than anyone I've ever seen, -except my Aunt Agatha. She had a good deal of Aunt Agatha about her, -as a matter of fact. She looked as if she might be deucedly dangerous -if put upon; and something seemed to tell me that she would certainly -regard herself as put upon if she ever found out the game which poor -old Rocky had been pulling on her. - -'Good afternoon,' I managed to say. - -'How do you do?' she said. 'Mr Cohan?' - -'Er--no.' - -'Mr Fred Stone?' - -'Not absolutely. As a matter of fact, my name's Wooster--Bertie -Wooster.' - -She seemed disappointed. The fine old name of Wooster appeared to mean -nothing in her life. - -'Isn't Rockmetteller home?' she said. 'Where is he?' - -She had me with the first shot. I couldn't think of anything to say. I -couldn't tell her that Rocky was down in the country, watching worms. - -There was the faintest flutter of sound in the background. It was the -respectful cough with which Jeeves announces that he is about to speak -without having been spoken to. - -'If you remember, sir, Mr Todd went out in the automobile with a party -earlier in the afternoon.' - -'So he did, Jeeves; so he did,' I said, looking at my watch. 'Did he -say when he would be back?' - -'He gave me to understand, sir, that he would be somewhat late in -returning.' - -He vanished; and the aunt took the chair which I'd forgotten to offer -her. She looked at me in rather a rummy way. It was a nasty look. It -made me feel as if I were something the dog had brought in and intended -to bury later on, when he had time. My own Aunt Agatha, back in -England, has looked at me in exactly the same way many a time, and it -never fails to make my spine curl. - -'You seem very much at home here, young man. Are you a great friend of -Rockmetteller's?' - -'Oh, yes, rather!' - -She frowned as if she had expected better things of old Rocky. - -'Well, you need to be,' she said, 'the way you treat his flat as your -own!' - -I give you my word, this quite unforeseen slam simply robbed me of the -power of speech. I'd been looking on myself in the light of the dashing -host, and suddenly to be treated as an intruder jarred me. It wasn't, -mark you, as if she had spoken in a way to suggest that she considered -my presence in the place as an ordinary social call. She obviously -looked on me as a cross between a burglar and the plumber's man come to -fix the leak in the bathroom. It hurt her--my being there. - -At this juncture, with the conversation showing every sign of being -about to die in awful agonies, an idea came to me. Tea--the good old -stand-by. - -'Would you care for a cup of tea?' I said. - -'Tea?' - -She spoke as if she had never heard of the stuff. - -'Nothing like a cup after a journey,' I said. 'Bucks you up! Puts a bit -of zip into you. What I mean is, restores you, and so on, don't you -know. I'll go and tell Jeeves.' - -I tottered down the passage to Jeeves's lair. The man was reading the -evening paper as if he hadn't a care in the world. - -'Jeeves,' I said, 'we want some tea.' - -'Very good, sir.' - -'I say, Jeeves, this is a bit thick, what?' - -I wanted sympathy, don't you know--sympathy and kindness. The old nerve -centres had had the deuce of a shock. - -'She's got the idea this place belongs to Mr Todd. What on earth put -that into her head?' - -Jeeves filled the kettle with a restrained dignity. - -'No doubt because of Mr Todd's letters, sir,' he said. 'It was my -suggestion, sir, if you remember, that they should be addressed from -this apartment in order that Mr Todd should appear to possess a good -central residence in the city.' - -I remembered. We had thought it a brainy scheme at the time. - -'Well, it's dashed awkward, you know, Jeeves. She looks on me as an -intruder. By Jove! I suppose she thinks I'm someone who hangs about -here, touching Mr Todd for free meals and borrowing his shirts.' - -'Extremely probable, sir.' - -'It's pretty rotten you know.' - -'Most disturbing, sir.' - -'And there's another thing: What are we to do about Mr Todd? We've got -to get him up here as soon as ever we can. When you have brought the -tea you had better go out and send him a telegram, telling him to come -up by the next train.' - -'I have already done so, sir. I took the liberty of writing the message -and dispatching it by the lift attendant.' - -'By Jove, you think of everything, Jeeves!' - -'Thank you, sir. A little buttered toast with the tea? Just so, sir. -Thank you.' - -I went back to the sitting-room. She hadn't moved an inch. She was -still bolt upright on the edge of her chair, gripping her umbrella like -a hammer-thrower. She gave me another of those looks as I came in. -There was no doubt about it; for some reason she had taken a dislike to -me. I suppose because I wasn't George M. Cohan. It was a bit hard on a -chap. - -'This is a surprise, what?' I said, after about five minutes' restful -silence, trying to crank the conversation up again. - -'What is a surprise?' - -'Your coming here, don't you know, and so on.' - -She raised her eyebrows and drank me in a bit more through her glasses. - -'Why is it surprising that I should visit my only nephew?' she said. - -'Oh, rather,' I said. 'Of course! Certainly. What I mean is--' - -Jeeves projected himself into the room with the tea. I was jolly glad -to see him. There's nothing like having a bit of business arranged for -one when one isn't certain of one's lines. With the teapot to fool -about with I felt happier. - -'Tea, tea, tea--what! What!' I said. - -It wasn't what I had meant to say. My idea had been to be a good deal -more formal, and so on. Still, it covered the situation. I poured her -out a cup. She sipped it and put the cup down with a shudder. - -'Do you mean to say, young man,' she said, frostily, 'that you expect -me to drink this stuff?' - -'Rather! Bucks you up, you know.' - -'What do you mean by the expression "Bucks you up"?' - -'Well, makes you full of beans, you know. Makes you fizz.' - -'I don't understand a word you say. You're English, aren't you?' - -I admitted it. She didn't say a word. And she did it in a way that made -it worse than if she had spoken for hours. Somehow it was brought home -to me that she didn't like Englishmen, and that if she had had to meet -an Englishman I was the one she'd have chosen last. - -Conversation languished once more after that. - -Then I tried again. I was becoming more convinced every moment that you -can't make a real lively _salon_ with a couple of people, especially if -one of them lets it go a word at a time. - -'Are you comfortable at your hotel?' I said. - -'At which hotel?' - -'The hotel you're staying at.' - -'I am not staying at an hotel.' - -'Stopping with friends--what?' - -'I am naturally stopping with my nephew.' - -I didn't get it for the moment; then it hit me. - -'What! Here?' I gurgled. - -'Certainly! Where else should I go?' - -The full horror of the situation rolled over me like a wave. I couldn't -see what on earth I was to do. I couldn't explain that this wasn't -Rocky's flat without giving the poor old chap away hopelessly, because -she would then ask me where he did live, and then he would be right in -the soup. I was trying to recover from the shock when she spoke again. - -'Will you kindly tell my nephew's manservant to prepare my room? I wish -to lie down.' - -'Your nephew's manservant?' - -'The man you call Jeeves. If Rockmetteller has gone for an automobile -ride there is no need for you to wait for him. He will naturally wish -to be alone with me when he returns.' - -I found myself tottering out of the room. The thing was too much for -me. I crept into Jeeves's den. - -'Jeeves!' I whispered. - -'Sir?' - -'Mix me a b-and-s, Jeeves. I feel weak.' - -'Very good, sir.' - -'This is getting thicker every minute, Jeeves.' - -'Sir?' - -'She thinks you're Mr Todd's man. She thinks the whole place is his, -and everything in it. I don't see what you're to do, except stay on and -keep it up. We can't say anything or she'll get on to the whole thing, -and I don't want to let Mr Todd down. By the way, Jeeves, she wants you -to prepare her bed.' - -He looked wounded. - -'It is hardly my place, sir--' - -'I know--I know. But do it as a personal favour to me. If you come to -that, it's hardly my place to be flung out of the flat like this and -have to go to an hotel, what?' - -'Is it your intention to go to an hotel, sir? What will you do for -clothes?' - -'Good Lord! I hadn't thought of that. Can you put a few things in a bag -when she isn't looking, and sneak them down to me at the St Aurea?' - -'I will endeavour to do so, sir.' - -'Well, I don't think there's anything more, is there? Tell Mr Todd -where I am when he gets here.' - -'Very good, sir.' - -I looked round the place. The moment of parting had come. I felt sad. -The whole thing reminded me of one of those melodramas where they drive -chappies out of the old homestead into the snow. - -'Good-bye, Jeeves,' I said. - -'Good-bye, sir.' - -And I staggered out. - -You know, I rather think I agree with those poet-and-philosopher -Johnnies who insist that a fellow ought to be devilish pleased if -he has a bit of trouble. All that stuff about being refined by -suffering, you know. Suffering does give a chap a sort of broader and -more sympathetic outlook. It helps you to understand other people's -misfortunes if you've been through the same thing yourself. - -As I stood in my lonely bedroom at the hotel, trying to tie my white -tie myself, it struck me for the first time that there must be whole -squads of chappies in the world who had to get along without a man to -look after them. I'd always thought of Jeeves as a kind of natural -phenomenon; but, by Jove! of course, when you come to think of it, -there must be quite a lot of fellows who have to press their own -clothes themselves, and haven't got anybody to bring them tea in the -morning, and so on. It was rather a solemn thought, don't you know. I -mean to say, ever since then I've been able to appreciate the frightful -privations the poor have to stick. - -I got dressed somehow. Jeeves hadn't forgotten a thing in his packing. -Everything was there, down to the final stud. I'm not sure this didn't -make me feel worse. It kind of deepened the pathos. It was like what -somebody or other wrote about the touch of a vanished hand. - -I had a bit of dinner somewhere and went to a show of some kind; but -nothing seemed to make any difference. I simply hadn't the heart to go -on to supper anywhere. I just went straight up to bed. I don't know -when I've felt so rotten. Somehow I found myself moving about the -room softly, as if there had been a death in the family. If I had had -anybody to talk to I should have talked in a whisper; in fact, when the -telephone-bell rang I answered in such a sad, hushed voice that the -fellow at the other end of the wire said 'Hallo!' five times, thinking -he hadn't got me. - -It was Rocky. The poor old scout was deeply agitated. - -'Bertie! Is that you, Bertie? Oh, gosh! I'm having a time!' - -'Where are you speaking from?' - -'The Midnight Revels. We've been here an hour, and I think we're a -fixture for the night. I've told Aunt Isabel I've gone out to call up -a friend to join us. She's glued to a chair, with this-is-the-life -written all over her, taking it in through the pores. She loves it, and -I'm nearly crazy.' - -'Tell me all, old top,' I said. - -'A little more of this,' he said, 'and I shall sneak quietly off to -the river and end it all. Do you mean to say you go through this sort -of thing every night, Bertie, and enjoy it? It's simply infernal! I -was just snatching a wink of sleep behind the bill of fare just now -when about a million yelling girls swooped down, with toy balloons. -There are two orchestras here, each trying to see if it can't play -louder than the other. I'm a mental and physical wreck. When your -telegram arrived I was just lying down for a quiet pipe, with a sense -of absolute peace stealing over me. I had to get dressed and sprint two -miles to catch the train. It nearly gave me heart-failure; and on top -of that I almost got brain fever inventing lies to tell Aunt Isabel. -And then I had to cram myself into these confounded evening clothes of -yours.' - -I gave a sharp wail of agony. It hadn't struck me till then that Rocky -was depending on my wardrobe to see him through. - -'You'll ruin them!' - -'I hope so,' said Rocky in the most unpleasant way. His troubles seemed -to have had the worst effect on his character. 'I should like to get -back at them somehow; they've given me a bad enough time. They're about -three sizes too small, and something's apt to give at any moment. I -wish to goodness it would, and give me a chance to breathe. I haven't -breathed since half past seven. Thank heaven, Jeeves managed to get out -and buy me a collar that fitted, or I should be a strangled corpse -by now! It was touch and go till the stud broke. Bertie, this is pure -Hades! Aunt Isabel keeps on urging me to dance. How on earth can I -dance when I don't know a soul to dance with? And how the deuce could -I, even if I knew every girl in the place? It's taking big chances even -to move in these trousers. I had to tell her I've hurt my ankle. She -keeps asking me when Cohan and Stone are going to turn up; and it's -simply a question of time before she discovers that Stone is sitting -two tables away. Something's got to be done, Bertie! You've got to -think up some way of getting me out of this mess. It was you who got me -into it.' - -'Me! What do you mean?' - -'Well, Jeeves, then. It's all the same. It was you who suggested -leaving it to Jeeves. It was those letters I wrote from his notes that -did the mischief. I made them too good. My aunt's just been telling me -about it. She says she had resigned herself to ending her life where -she was, and then my letters began to arrive, describing the joys of -New York; and they stimulated her to such an extent that she pulled -herself together and made the trip. She seems to think she's had some -miraculous kind of faith cure. I tell you I can't stand it, Bertie! -It's got to end!' - -'Can't Jeeves think of anything?' - -'No. He just hangs round, saying: "Most disturbing, sir!" A fat lot of -help that is!' - -'Well, old lad,' I said, 'after all, it's far worse for me than it is -for you. You've got a comfortable home and Jeeves. And you're saving a -lot of money.' - -'Saving money? What do you mean--saving money?' - -'Why, the allowance your aunt was giving you. I suppose she's paying -all the expenses now, isn't she?' - -'Certainly she is: but she's stopped the allowance. She wrote the -lawyers tonight. She says that, now she's in New York, there is no -necessity for it to go on, as we shall always be together, and it's -simpler for her to look after that end of it. I tell you, Bertie, I've -examined the darned cloud with a microscope, and if it's got a silver -lining it's some little dissembler!' - -'But, Rocky, old top, it's too bally awful! You've no notion of what -I'm going through in this beastly hotel, without Jeeves. I must get -back to the flat.' - -'Don't come near the flat!' - -'But it's my own flat.' - -'I can't help that. Aunt Isabel doesn't like you. She asked me what you -did for a living. And when I told her you didn't do anything she said -she thought as much, and that you were a typical specimen of a useless -and decaying aristocracy. So if you think you have made a hit, forget -it. Now I must be going back, or she'll be coming out here after me. -Good-bye.' - - * * * * * - -Next morning Jeeves came round. It was all so home-like when he floated -noiselessly into the room that I nearly broke down. - -'Good morning, sir,' he said. 'I have brought a few more of your -personal belongings.' - -He began to unstrap the suit-case he was carrying. - -'Did you have any trouble sneaking them away?' - -'It was not easy, sir. I had to watch my chance. Miss Rockmetteller is -a remarkably alert lady.' - -'You know, Jeeves, say what you like--this _is_ a bit thick, isn't it?' - -'The situation is certainly one that has never before come under my -notice, sir. I have brought the heather-mixture suit, as the climatic -conditions are congenial. Tomorrow, if not prevented, I will endeavour -to add the brown lounge with the faint green twill.' - -'It can't go on--this sort of thing--Jeeves.' - -'We must hope for the best, sir.' - -'Can't you think of anything to do?' - -'I have been giving the matter considerable thought, sir, but so far -without success. I am placing three silk shirts--the dove-coloured, the -light blue, and the mauve--in the first long drawer, sir.' - -'You don't mean to say you can't think of anything, Jeeves?' - -'For the moment, sir, no. You will find a dozen handkerchiefs and the -tan socks in the upper drawer on the left.' He strapped the suit-case -and put it on a chair. 'A curious lady, Miss Rockmetteller, sir.' - -'You understate it, Jeeves.' - -He gazed meditatively out of the window. - -'In many ways, sir, Miss Rockmetteller reminds me of an aunt of mine -who resides in the south-east portion of London. Their temperaments -are much alike. My aunt has the same taste for the pleasures of the -great city. It is a passion with her to ride in hansom cabs, sir. -Whenever the family take their eyes off her she escapes from the house -and spends the day riding about in cabs. On several occasions she has -broken into the children's savings bank to secure the means to enable -her to gratify this desire.' - -'I love to have these little chats with you about your female -relatives, Jeeves,' I said coldly, for I felt that the man had let me -down, and I was fed up with him. 'But I don't see what all this has got -to do with my trouble.' - -'I beg your pardon, sir. I am leaving a small assortment of our -neckties on the mantelpiece, sir, for you to select according to your -preference. I should recommend the blue with the red domino pattern, -sir.' - -Then he streamed imperceptibly towards the door and flowed silently out. - - * * * * * - -I've often heard that fellows after some great shock or loss have a -habit, after they've been on the floor for a while wondering what -hit them, of picking themselves up and piecing themselves together, -and sort of taking a whirl at beginning a new life. Time, the great -healer, and Nature adjusting itself and so on and so forth. There's a -lot in it. I know, because in my own case, after a day or two of what -you might call prostration, I began to recover. The frightful loss of -Jeeves made any thought of pleasure more or less a mockery, but at -least I found that I was able to have a dash at enjoying life again. -What I mean is, I braced up to the extent of going round the cabarets -once more, so as to try to forget, if only for the moment. - -New York's a small place when it comes to the part of it that wakes up -just as the rest is going to bed, and it wasn't long before my tracks -began to cross old Rocky's. I saw him once at Peale's, and again at -Frolics on the Roof. There wasn't anybody with him either time except -the aunt, and, though he was trying to look as if he had struck the -ideal life, it wasn't difficult for me, knowing the circumstances, to -see that beneath the mask the poor chap was suffering. My heart bled -for the fellow. At least, what there was of it that wasn't bleeding for -myself bled for him. He had the air of one who was about to crack under -the strain. - -It seemed to me that the aunt was looking slightly upset also. I took -it that she was beginning to wonder when the celebrities were going to -surge round, and what had suddenly become of all those wild, careless -spirits Rocky used to mix with in his letters. I didn't blame her. I -had only read a couple of his letters, but they certainly gave the -impression that poor old Rocky was by way of being the hub of New -York night life, and that, if by any chance he failed to show up at a -cabaret, the management said, 'What's the use?' and put up the shutters. - -The next two nights I didn't come across them, but the night after -that I was sitting by myself at the Maison Pierre when somebody tapped -me on the shoulder-blade, and I found Rocky standing beside me, with -a sort of mixed expression of wistfulness and apoplexy on his face. -How the man had contrived to wear my evening clothes so many times -without disaster was a mystery to me. He confided later that early in -the proceedings he had slit the waistcoat up the back and that that had -helped a lot. - -For a moment I had the idea that he had managed to get away from his -aunt for the evening; but, looking past him, I saw that she was in -again. She was at a table over by the wall, looking at me as if I were -something the management ought to be complained to about. - -'Bertie, old scout,' said Rocky, in a quiet, sort of crushed voice, -'we've always been pals, haven't we? I mean, you know I'd do you a good -turn if you asked me.' - -'My dear old lad,' I said. The man had moved me. - -'Then, for Heaven's sake, come over and sit at our table for the rest -of the evening.' - -Well, you know, there are limits to the sacred claims of friendship. - -'My dear chap,' I said, 'you know I'd do anything in reason; but--' - -'You must come, Bertie. You've got to. Something's got to be done to -divert her mind. She's brooding about something. She's been like that -for the last two days. I think she's beginning to suspect. She can't -understand why we never seem to meet anyone I know at these joints. -A few nights ago I happened to run into two newspaper men I used to -know fairly well. That kept me going for a while. I introduced them -to Aunt Isabel as David Belasco and Jim Corbett, and it went well. -But the effect has worn off now, and she's beginning to wonder again. -Something's got to be done, or she will find out everything, and if she -does I'd take a nickel for my chance of getting a cent from her later -on. So, for the love of Mike, come across to our table and help things -along.' - -I went along. One has to rally round a pal in distress. Aunt Isabel -was sitting bolt upright, as usual. It certainly did seem as if she -had lost a bit of the zest with which she had started out to explore -Broadway. She looked as if she had been thinking a good deal about -rather unpleasant things. - -'You've met Bertie Wooster, Aunt Isabel?' said Rocky. - -'I have.' - -'Take a seat, Bertie,' said Rocky. - -And so the merry party began. It was one of those jolly, happy, -bread-crumbling parties where you cough twice before you speak, and -then decide not to say it after all. After we had had an hour of this -wild dissipation, Aunt Isabel said she wanted to go home. In the light -of what Rocky had been telling me, this struck me as sinister. I had -gathered that at the beginning of her visit she had had to be dragged -home with ropes. - -It must have hit Rocky the same way, for he gave me a pleading look. - -'You'll come along, won't you, Bertie, and have a drink at the flat?' - -I had a feeling that this wasn't in the contract, but there wasn't -anything to be done. It seemed brutal to leave the poor chap alone with -the woman, so I went along. - -Right from the start, from the moment we stepped into the taxi, the -feeling began to grow that something was about to break loose. A -massive silence prevailed in the corner where the aunt sat, and, though -Rocky, balancing himself on the little seat in front, did his best to -supply dialogue, we weren't a chatty party. - -I had a glimpse of Jeeves as we went into the flat, sitting in his -lair, and I wished I could have called to him to rally round. Something -told me that I was about to need him. - -The stuff was on the table in the sitting-room. Rocky took up the -decanter. - -'Say when, Bertie.' - -'Stop!' barked the aunt, and he dropped it. - -I caught Rocky's eye as he stooped to pick up the ruins. It was the eye -of one who sees it coming. - -'Leave it there, Rockmetteller!' said Aunt Isabel; and Rocky left it -there. - -'The time has come to speak,' she said. 'I cannot stand idly by and see -a young man going to perdition!' - -Poor old Rocky gave a sort of gurgle, a kind of sound rather like the -whisky had made running out of the decanter on to my carpet. - -'Eh?' he said, blinking. - -The aunt proceeded. - -'The fault,' she said, 'was mine. I had not then seen the light. But -now my eyes are open. I see the hideous mistake I have made. I shudder -at the thought of the wrong I did you, Rockmetteller, by urging you -into contact with this wicked city.' - -I saw Rocky grope feebly for the table. His fingers touched it, and -a look of relief came into the poor chappie's face. I understood his -feelings. - -'But when I wrote you that letter, Rockmetteller, instructing you to go -to the city and live its life, I had not had the privilege of hearing -Mr Mundy speak on the subject of New York.' - -'Jimmy Mundy!' I cried. - -You know how it is sometimes when everything seems all mixed up and -you suddenly get a clue. When she mentioned Jimmy Mundy I began to -understand more or less what had happened. I'd seen it happen before. I -remember, back in England, the man I had before Jeeves sneaked off to a -meeting on his evening out and came back and denounced me in front of a -crowd of chappies I was giving a bit of supper to as a useless blot on -the fabric of Society. - -The aunt gave me a withering up and down. - -'Yes; Jimmy Mundy!' she said. 'I am surprised at a man of your stamp -having heard of him. There is no music, there are no drunken, dancing -men, no shameless, flaunting women at his meetings; so for you they -would have no attraction. But for others, less dead in sin, he has his -message. He has come to save New York from itself; to force it--in -his picturesque phrase--to hit the trail. It was three days ago, -Rockmetteller, that I first heard him. It was an accident that took me -to his meeting. How often in this life a mere accident may shape our -whole future! - -'You had been called away by that telephone message from Mr Belasco; -so you could not take me to the Hippodrome, as we had arranged. I -asked your manservant, Jeeves, to take me there. The man has very -little intelligence. He seems to have misunderstood me. I am thankful -that he did. He took me to what I subsequently learned was Madison -Square Garden, where Mr Mundy is holding his meetings. He escorted me -to a seat and then left me. And it was not till the meeting had begun -that I discovered the mistake which had been made. My seat was in the -middle of a row. I could not leave without inconveniencing a great many -people, so I remained.' - -She gulped. - -'Rockmetteller, I have never been so thankful for anything else. Mr -Mundy was wonderful! He was like some prophet of old, scouring the -sins of the people. He leaped about in a frenzy of inspiration till I -feared he would do himself an injury. Sometimes he expressed himself in -a somewhat odd manner, but every word carried conviction. He showed me -New York in its true colours. He showed me the vanity and wickedness -of sitting in gilded haunts of vice, eating lobster when decent people -should be in bed. - -'He said that the tango and the fox-trot were devices of the devil -to drag people down into the Bottomless Pit. He said that there was -more sin in ten minutes with a negro banjo orchestra than in all the -ancient revels of Nineveh and Babylon. And when he stood on one leg -and pointed right at where I was sitting and shouted "This means you!" -I could have sunk through the floor. I came away a changed woman. -Surely you must have noticed the change in me, Rockmetteller? You must -have seen that I was no longer the careless, thoughtless person who had -urged you to dance in those places of wickedness?' - -Rocky was holding on to the table as if it was his only friend. - -'Yes,' he stammered; 'I--I thought something was wrong.' - -'Wrong? Something was right! Everything was right! Rockmetteller, it -is not too late for you to be saved. You have only sipped of the evil -cup. You have not drained it. It will be hard at first, but you will -find that you can do it if you fight with a stout heart against the -glamour and fascination of this dreadful city. Won't you, for my sake, -try, Rockmetteller? Won't you go to the country tomorrow and begin the -struggle? Little by little, if you use your will--' - -I can't help thinking it must have been that word 'will' that roused -dear old Rocky like a trumpet call. It must have brought home to him -the realization that a miracle had come off and saved him from being -cut out of Aunt Isabel's. At any rate, as she said it he perked up, let -go of the table, and faced her with gleaming eyes. - -'Do you want me to go to the country, Aunt Isabel?' - -'Yes.' - -'To live in the country?' - -'Yes, Rockmetteller.' - -'Stay in the country all the time? Never come to New York?' - -'Yes, Rockmetteller; I mean just that. It is the only way. Only there -can you be safe from temptation. Will you do it, Rockmetteller? Will -you--for my sake?' - -Rocky grabbed the table again. He seemed to draw a lot of encouragement -from that table. - -'I will!' he said. - - * * * * * - -'Jeeves,' I said. It was next day, and I was back in the old flat, -lying in the old arm-chair, with my feet upon the good old table. I had -just come from seeing dear old Rocky off to his country cottage, and an -hour before he had seen his aunt off to whatever hamlet it was that she -was the curse of; so we were alone at last. 'Jeeves, there's no place -like home--what?' - -'Very true, sir.' - -'The jolly old roof-tree, and all that sort of thing--what?' - -'Precisely, sir.' - -I lit another cigarette. - -'Jeeves.' - -'Sir?' - -'Do you know, at one point in the business I really thought you were -baffled.' - -'Indeed, sir?' - -'When did you get the idea of taking Miss Rockmetteller to the meeting? -It was pure genius!' - -'Thank you, sir. It came to me a little suddenly, one morning when I -was thinking of my aunt, sir.' - -'Your aunt? The hansom cab one?' - -'Yes, sir. I recollected that, whenever we observed one of her attacks -coming on, we used to send for the clergyman of the parish. We always -found that if he talked to her a while of higher things it diverted her -mind from hansom cabs. It occurred to me that the same treatment might -prove efficacious in the case of Miss Rockmetteller.' - -I was stunned by the man's resource. - -'It's brain,' I said; 'pure brain! What do you do to get like that, -Jeeves? I believe you must eat a lot of fish, or something. Do you eat -a lot of fish, Jeeves?' - -'No, sir.' - -'Oh, well, then, it's just a gift, I take it; and if you aren't born -that way there's no use worrying.' - -'Precisely, sir,' said Jeeves. 'If I might make the suggestion, sir, I -should not continue to wear your present tie. The green shade gives you -a slightly bilious air. I should strongly advocate the blue with the -red domino pattern instead, sir.' - -'All right, Jeeves,' I said humbly. 'You know!' - - - - - 6--The Rummy Affair of Old Biffy - - -'Jeeves,' I said, emerging from the old tub, 'rally round.' - -'Yes, sir.' - -I beamed on the man with no little geniality. I was putting in a week -or two in Paris at the moment, and there's something about Paris that -always makes me feel fairly full of _espièglerie_ and _joie de vivre_. - -'Lay out our gent's medium-smart raiment, suitable for Bohemian -revels,' I said. 'I am lunching with an artist bloke on the other side -of the river.' - -'Very good, sir.' - -'And if anybody calls for me, Jeeves, say that I shall be back towards -the quiet evenfall.' - -'Yes, sir. Mr Biffen rang up on the telephone while you were in your -bath.' - -'Mr Biffen? Good heavens!' - -Amazing how one's always running across fellows in foreign -cities--coves, I mean, whom you haven't seen for ages and would have -betted weren't anywhere in the neighbourhood. Paris was the last place -where I should have expected to find old Biffy popping up. There was -a time when he and I had been lads about town together, lunching and -dining together practically every day; but some eighteen months back -his old godmother had died and left him that place in Herefordshire, -and he had retired there to wear gaiters and prod cows in the ribs and -generally be the country gentleman and landed proprietor. Since then I -had hardly seen him. - -'Old Biffy in Paris? What's he doing here?' - -'He did not confide in me, sir,' said Jeeves--a trifle frostily, I -thought. It sounded somehow as if he didn't like Biffy. And yet they -had always been matey enough in the old days. - -'Where's he staying?' - -'At the Hotel Avenida, Rue du Colisée, sir. He informed me that he was -about to take a walk and would call this afternoon.' - -'Well, if he comes when I'm out, tell him to wait. And now, Jeeves, -_mes gants, mon chapeau, et le whangee de monsieur_. I must be popping.' - -It was such a corking day and I had so much time in hand that near the -Sorbonne I stopped my cab, deciding to walk the rest of the way. And -I had hardly gone three steps and a half when there on the pavement -before me stood old Biffy in person. If I had completed the last step I -should have rammed him. - -'Biffy!' I cried. 'Well, well, well!' - -He peered at me in a blinking kind of way, rather like one of his -Herefordshire cows prodded unexpectedly while lunching. - -'Bertie!' he gurgled, in a devout sort of tone. 'Thank God!' He -clutched my arm. 'Don't leave me, Bertie. I'm lost.' - -'What do you mean, lost?' - -'I came out for a walk and suddenly discovered after a mile or two -that I didn't know where on earth I was. I've been wandering round in -circles for hours.' - -'Why didn't you ask the way?' - -'I can't speak a word of French.' - -'Well, why didn't you call a taxi?' - -'I suddenly discovered I'd left all my money at my hotel.' - -'You could have taken a cab and paid it when you got to the hotel.' - -'Yes, but I suddenly discovered, dash it, that I'd forgotten its name.' - -And there in a nutshell you have Charles Edward Biffen. As vague and -woollen-headed a blighter as ever bit a sandwich. Goodness knows--and -my Aunt Agatha will bear me out in this--I'm no master-mind myself but -compared with Biffy I'm one of the great thinkers of all time. - -'I'd give a shilling,' said Biffy wistfully, 'to know the name of that -hotel.' - -'You can owe it me. Hotel Avenida, Rue du Colisée.' - -'Bertie! This is uncanny. How the deuce did you know?' - -'That was the address you left with Jeeves this morning.' - -'So it was. I had forgotten.' - -'Well, come along and have a drink and then I'll put you in a cab and -send you home. I'm engaged for lunch, but I've plenty of time.' - -We drifted to one of the eleven cafés which jostled each other along -the street and I ordered restoratives. - -'What on earth are you doing in Paris?' I asked. - -'Bertie, old man,' said Biffy solemnly, 'I came here to try and forget.' - -'Well, you've certainly succeeded.' - -'You don't understand. The fact is, Bertie, old lad, my heart is -broken. I'll tell you the whole story.' - -'No, I say!' I protested. But he was off. - -'Last year,' said Biffy, 'I buzzed over to Canada to do a bit of salmon -fishing.' - -I ordered another. If this was going to be a fish-story, I needed -stimulants. - -'On the liner going to New York I met a girl.' Biffy made a sort of -curious gulping noise not unlike a bulldog trying to swallow half a -cutlet in a hurry so as to be ready for the other half. 'Bertie, old -man, I can't describe her. I simply can't describe her.' - -This was all to the good. - -'She was wonderful! We used to walk on the boat-deck after dinner. She -was on the stage. At least, sort of.' - -'How do you mean, sort of?' - -'Well, she had posed for artists and been a mannequin in a big -dressmaker's and all that sort of thing, don't you know. Anyway, she -had saved up a few pounds and was on her way to see if she could get -a job in New York. She told me all about herself. Her father ran a -milk-walk in Clapham. Or it may have been Cricklewood. At least, it was -either a milk-walk or a boot-shop.' - -'Easily confused.' - -'What I'm trying to make you understand,' said Biffy, 'is that she came -of good, sturdy, respectable middle-class stock. Nothing flashy about -her. The sort of wife any man might have been proud of.' - -'Well, whose wife was she?' - -'Nobody's. That's the whole point of the story. I wanted her to be -mine, and I lost her.' - -'Had a quarrel, you mean?' - -'No, I don't mean we had a quarrel. I mean I literally lost her. The -last I ever saw of her was in the Customs sheds at New York. We were -behind a pile of trunks, and I had just asked her to be my wife, and -she had just said she would and everything was perfectly splendid, when -a most offensive blighter in a peaked cap came up to talk about some -cigarettes which he had found at the bottom of my trunk and which I had -forgotten to declare. It was getting pretty late by then, for we hadn't -docked till about ten-thirty, so I told Mabel to go on to her hotel and -I would come round next day and take her to lunch. And since then I -haven't set eyes on her.' - -'You mean she wasn't at the hotel?' - -'Probably she was. But--' - -'You don't mean you never turned up?' - -'Bertie, old man,' said Biffy, in an overwrought kind of way, 'for -Heaven's sake don't keep trying to tell me what I mean and what I don't -mean! Let me tell this my own way, or I shall get all mixed up and have -to go back to the beginning.' - -'Tell it your own way,' I said hastily. - -'Well, then, to put it in a word, Bertie, I forgot the name of the -hotel. By the time I'd done half an hour's heavy explaining about those -cigarettes my mind was a blank. I had an idea I had written the name -down somewhere, but I couldn't have done, for it wasn't on any of the -papers in my pocket. No, it was no good. She was gone.' - -'Why didn't you make inquiries?' - -'Well, the fact is, Bertie, I had forgotten her name.' - -'Oh, no, dash it!' I said. This seemed a bit too thick even for Biffy. -'How could you forget her name? Besides, you told it me a moment ago. -Muriel or something.' - -'Mabel,' corrected Biffy coldly. 'It was her surname I'd forgotten. So -I gave it up and went to Canada.' - -'But half a second,' I said. 'You must have told her your name. I mean, -if you couldn't trace her, she could trace you.' - -'Exactly. That's what makes it all seem so infernally hopeless. She -knows my name and where I live and everything, but I haven't heard a -word from her. I suppose, when I didn't turn up at the hotel, she took -it that that was my way of hinting delicately that I had changed my -mind and wanted to call the thing off.' - -'I suppose so,' I said. There didn't seem anything else to suppose. -'Well, the only thing to do is to whizz around and try to heal the -wound, what? How about dinner tonight, winding up at the Abbaye or one -of those places?' - -Biffy shook his head. - -'It wouldn't be any good. I've tried it. Besides, I'm leaving on the -four o'clock train. I have a dinner engagement tomorrow with a man -who's nibbling at that house of mine in Herefordshire.' - -'Oh, are you trying to sell that place? I thought you liked it.' - -'I did. But the idea of going on living in that great, lonely barn of a -house after what has happened appals me, Bertie. So when Sir Roderick -Glossop came along--' - -'Sir Roderick Glossop! You don't mean the loony-doctor?' - -'The great nerve specialist, yes. Why, do you know him?' - -It was a warm day, but I shivered. - -'I was engaged to his daughter for a week or two,' I said, in a hushed -voice. The memory of that narrow squeak always made me feel faint. - -'Has he a daughter?' said Biffy absently. - -'He has. Let me tell you all about--' - -'Not just now, old man,' said Biffy, getting up. 'I ought to be going -back to my hotel to see about my packing.' - -Which, after I had listened to his story, struck me as pretty low-down. -However, the longer you live, the more you realize that the good old -sporting spirit of give-and-take has practically died out in our midst. -So I boosted him into a cab and went off to lunch. - - * * * * * - -It can't have been more than ten days after this that I received a -nasty shock while getting outside my morning tea and toast. The English -papers had arrived, and Jeeves was just drifting out of the room after -depositing _The Times_ by my bedside, when, as I idly turned the pages -in search of the sporting section, a paragraph leaped out and hit me -squarely in the eyeball. - -As follows:-- - - FORTHCOMING MARRIAGES - - MR C. E. BIFFEN AND MISS GLOSSOP - - The engagement is announced between Charles Edward, only son of - the late Mr E. C. Biffen, and Mrs Biffen, of 11 Penslow Square, - Mayfair, and Honoria Jane Louise, only daughter of Sir Roderick - and Lady Glossop, of 6b Harley Street, W. - -'Great Scott!' I exclaimed. - -'Sir?' said Jeeves, turning at the door. - -'Jeeves, you remember Miss Glossop?' - -'Very vividly, sir.' - -'She's engaged to Mr Biffen!' - -'Indeed, sir?' said Jeeves. And, with not another word, he slid out. -The blighter's calm amazed and shocked me. It seemed to indicate that -there must be a horrible streak of callousness in him. I mean to say, -it wasn't as if he didn't know Honoria Glossop. - -I read the paragraph again. A peculiar feeling it gave me. I don't know -if you have ever experienced the sensation of seeing the announcement -of the engagement of a pal of yours to a girl whom you were only saved -from marrying yourself by the skin of your teeth. It induces a sort -of--well, it's difficult to describe it exactly; but I should imagine a -fellow would feel much the same if he happened to be strolling through -the jungle with a boyhood chum and met a tigress or a jaguar, or what -not, and managed to shin up a tree and looked down and saw the friend -of his youth vanishing into the undergrowth in the animal's slavering -jaws. A sort of profound, prayerful relief, if you know what I mean, -blended at the same time with a pang of pity. What I'm driving at is -that, thankful as I was that I hadn't had to marry Honoria myself, I -was sorry to see a real good chap like old Biffy copping it. I sucked -down a spot of tea and began to brood over the business. - -Of course, there are probably fellows in the world--tough, hardy blokes -with strong chins and glittering eyes--who could get engaged to this -Glossop menace and like it, but I knew perfectly well that Biffy was -not one of them. Honoria, you see, is one of those robust, dynamic -girls with the muscles of a welterweight and a laugh like a squadron -of cavalry charging over a tin bridge. A beastly thing to have to -face over the breakfast table. Brainy, moreover. The sort of girl who -reduces you to pulp with sixteen sets of tennis and a few rounds of -golf and then comes down to dinner as fresh as a daisy, expecting you -to take an intelligent interest in Freud. If I had been engaged to her -another week, her old father would have had one more patient on his -books; and Biffy is much the same quiet sort of peaceful, inoffensive -bird as me. I was shocked, I tell you, shocked. - -And, as I was saying, the thing that shocked me most was Jeeves's -frightful lack of proper emotion. The man happening to float in at this -juncture, I gave him one more chance to show some human sympathy. - -'You got the name correctly, didn't you, Jeeves?' I said. 'Mr Biffen is -going to marry Honoria Glossop, the daughter of the old boy with the -egg-like head and the eyebrows.' - -'Yes, sir. Which suit would you wish me to lay out this morning?' - -And this, mark you, from the man who, when I was engaged to the -Glossop, strained every fibre in his brain to extricate me. It beat me. -I couldn't understand it. - -'The blue with the red twill,' I said coldly. My manner was marked, and -I meant him to see that he had disappointed me sorely. - -About a week later I went back to London, and scarcely had I got -settled in the old flat when Biffy blew in. One glance was enough to -tell me that the poisoned wound had begun to fester. The man did not -look bright. No, there was no getting away from it, not bright. He had -that kind of stunned, glassy expression which I used to see on my own -face in the shaving-mirror during my brief engagement to the Glossop -pestilence. However, if you don't want to be one of the What is Wrong -With This Picture brigade, you must observe the conventions, so I shook -his hand as warmly as I could. - -'Well, well, old man,' I said. 'Congratulations.' - -'Thanks,' said Biffy wanly, and there was rather a weighty silence. - -'Bertie,' said Biffy, after the silence had lasted about three minutes. - -'Hallo?' - -'Is it really true--?' - -'What?' - -'Oh, nothing,' said Biffy, and conversation languished again. After -about a minute and a half he came to the surface once more. - -'Bertie.' - -'Still here, old thing. What is it?' - -'I say, Bertie, is it really true that you were once engaged to -Honoria?' - -'It is.' - -Biffy coughed. - -'How did you get out--I mean, what was the nature of the tragedy that -prevented the marriage?' - -'Jeeves worked it. He thought out the entire scheme.' - -'I think, before I go,' said Biffy thoughtfully, 'I'll just step into -the kitchen and have a word with Jeeves.' - -I felt that the situation called for complete candour. - -'Biffy, old egg,' I said, 'as man to man, do you want to oil out of -this thing?' - -'Bertie, old cork,' said Biffy earnestly, 'as one friend to another, I -do.' - -'Then why the dickens did you ever get into it?' - -'I don't know. Why did you?' - -'I--well, it sort of happened.' - -'And it sort of happened with me. You know how it is when your heart's -broken. A kind of lethargy comes over you. You get absent-minded and -cease to exercise proper precautions, and the first thing you know -you're for it. I don't know how it happened, old man, but there it is. -And what I want you to tell me is, what's the procedure?' - -'You mean, how does a fellow edge out?' - -'Exactly. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, Bertie, but I can't -go through with this thing. The shot is not on the board. For about a -day and a half I thought it might be all right, but now--You remember -that laugh of hers?' - -'I do.' - -'Well, there's that, and then all this business of never letting a -fellow alone--improving his mind and so forth--' - -'I know. I know.' - -'Very well, then. What do you recommend? What did you mean when you -said that Jeeves worked a scheme?' - -'Well, you see, old Sir Roderick, who's a loony-doctor and nothing -but a loony-doctor, however much you may call him a nerve specialist, -discovered that there was a modicum of insanity in my family. Nothing -serious. Just one of my uncles. Used to keep rabbits in his bedroom. -And the old boy came to lunch here to give me the once-over, and Jeeves -arranged matters so that he went away firmly convinced that I was off -my onion.' - -'I see,' said Biffy thoughtfully. 'The trouble is there isn't any -insanity in my family.' - -'None?' - -It seemed to me almost incredible that a fellow could be such a perfect -chump as dear old Biffy without a bit of assistance. - -'Not a loony on the list,' he said gloomily. 'It's just like my luck. -The old boy's coming to lunch with me tomorrow, no doubt to test me as -he did you. And I never felt saner in my life.' - -I thought for a moment. The idea of meeting Sir Roderick again gave me -a cold shivery feeling; but when there is a chance of helping a pal we -Woosters have no thought of self. - -'Look here, Biffy,' I said, 'I'll tell you what. I'll roll up for that -lunch. It may easily happen that when he finds you are a pal of mine he -will forbid the banns right away and no more questions asked.' - -'Something in that,' said Biffy, brightening. 'Awfully sporting of you, -Bertie.' - -'Oh, not at all,' I said. 'And meanwhile I'll consult Jeeves. Put the -whole thing up to him and ask his advice. He's never failed me yet.' - -Biffy pushed off, a good deal braced, and I went into the kitchen. - -'Jeeves,' I said, 'I want your help once more. I've just been having a -painful interview with Mr Biffen.' - -'Indeed, sir?' - -'It's like this,' I said, and told him the whole thing. - -It was rummy, but I could feel him freezing from the start. As a rule, -when I call Jeeves into conference on one of these little problems, -he's all sympathy and bright ideas; but not today. - -'I fear, sir,' he said, when I had finished, 'it is hardly my place to -intervene in a private matter affecting--' - -'Oh come!' - -'No, sir. It would be taking a liberty.' - -'Jeeves,' I said, tackling the blighter squarely, 'what have you got -against old Biffy?' - -'I, sir?' - -'Yes, you.' - -'I assure you, sir!' - -'Oh, well, if you don't want to chip in and save a fellow-creature, I -suppose I can't make you. But let me tell you this. I am now going back -to the sitting-room, and I am going to put in some very tense thinking. -You'll look pretty silly when I come and tell you that I've got Mr -Biffen out of the soup without your assistance. Extremely silly you'll -look.' - -'Yes, sir. Shall I bring you a whisky-and-soda, sir?' - -'No. Coffee! Strong and black. And if anybody wants to see me, tell 'em -that I'm busy and can't be disturbed.' - -An hour later I rang the bell. - -'Jeeves,' I said with hauteur. - -'Yes, sir?' - -'Kindly ring Mr Biffen up on the phone and say that Mr Wooster presents -his compliments and that he has got it.' - - * * * * * - -I was feeling more than a little pleased with myself next morning -as I strolled round to Biffy's. As a rule the bright ideas you get -overnight have a trick of not seeming quite so frightfully fruity when -you examine them by the light of day; but this one looked as good at -breakfast as it had done before dinner. I examined it narrowly from -every angle, and I didn't see how it could fail. - -A few days before, my Aunt Emily's son Harold had celebrated his sixth -birthday; and, being up against the necessity of weighing in with a -present of some kind, I had happened to see in a shop in the Strand a -rather sprightly little gadget, well calculated in my opinion to amuse -the child and endear him to one and all. It was a bunch of flowers in -a sort of holder ending in an ingenious bulb attachment which, when -pressed, shot about a pint and a half of pure spring water into the -face of anyone who was ass enough to sniff at it. It seemed to me just -the thing to please the growing mind of a kid of six, and I had rolled -round with it. - -But when I got to the house I found Harold sitting in the midst of a -mass of gifts so luxurious and costly that I simply hadn't the crust to -contribute a thing that had set me back a mere elevenpence-ha'penny; -so with rare presence of mind--for we Woosters can think quick on -occasion--I wrenched my Uncle James's card off a toy aeroplane, -substituted my own, and trousered the squirt, which I took away with -me. It had been lying around in my flat ever since, and it seemed to me -that the time had come to send it into action. - -'Well?' said Biffy anxiously, as I curveted into his sitting-room. - -The poor old bird was looking pretty green about the gills. I -recognized the symptoms. I had felt much the same myself when waiting -for Sir Roderick to turn up and lunch with me. How the deuce people -who have anything wrong with their nerves can bring themselves to chat -with that man, I can't imagine; and yet he has the largest practice in -London. Scarcely a day passes without his having to sit on somebody's -head and ring for the attendant to bring the strait-waistcoat; and his -outlook on life has become so jaundiced through constant association -with coves who are picking straws out of their hair that I was -convinced that Biffy had merely got to press the bulb and nature would -do the rest. - -So I patted him on the shoulder and said: 'It's all right, old man!' - -'What does Jeeves suggest?' asked Biffy eagerly. - -'Jeeves doesn't suggest anything.' - -'But you said it was all right.' - -'Jeeves isn't the only thinker in the Wooster home, my lad. I have -taken over your little problem, and I can tell you at once that I have -the situation well in hand.' - -'You?' said Biffy. - -His tone was far from flattering. It suggested a lack of faith in my -abilities, and my view was that an ounce of demonstration would be -worth a ton of explanation. I shoved the bouquet at him. - -'Are you fond of flowers, Biffy?' I said. - -'Eh?' - -'Smell these.' - -Biffy extended the old beak in a careworn sort of way, and I pressed -the bulb as per printed instructions on the label. - -I do like getting my money's-worth. Elevenpence-ha'penny the thing had -cost me, and it would have been cheap at double. The advertisement on -the outside of the box had said that its effects were 'indescribably -ludicrous', and I can testify that it was no overstatement. Poor old -Biffy leaped three feet in the air and smashed a small table. - -'There!' I said. - -The old egg was a trifle incoherent at first, but he found words fairly -soon and began to express himself with a good deal of warmth. - -'Calm yourself, laddie,' I said, as he paused for breath. 'It was no -mere jest to pass an idle hour. It was a demonstration. Take this, -Biffy, with an old friend's blessing, refill the bulb, shove it into -Sir Roderick's face, press firmly, and leave the rest to him. I'll -guarantee that in something under three seconds the idea will have -dawned on him that you are not required in his family.' - -Biffy stared at me. - -'Are you suggesting that I squirt Sir Roderick?' - -'Absolutely. Squirt him good. Squirt as you have never squirted before.' - -'But--' - -He was still yammering at me in a feverish sort of way when there was a -ring at the front-door bell. - -'Good Lord!' cried Biffy, quivering like a jelly. 'There he is. Talk to -him while I go and change my shirt.' - -I had just time to refill the bulb and shove it beside Biffy's plate, -when the door opened and Sir Roderick came in. I was picking up the -fallen table at the moment, and he started talking brightly to my back. - -'Good afternoon. I trust I am not--Mr Wooster!' - -I'm bound to say I was not feeling entirely at my ease. There is -something about the man that is calculated to strike terror into the -stoutest heart. If ever there was a bloke at the very mention of whose -name it would be excusable for people to tremble like aspens, that -bloke is Sir Roderick Glossop. He has an enormous bald head, all the -hair which ought to be on it seeming to have run into his eyebrows, and -his eyes go through you like a couple of Death Rays. - -'How are you, how are you, how are you?' I said, overcoming a slight -desire to leap backwards out of the window. 'Long time since we met, -what?' - -'Nevertheless, I remember you most distinctly, Mr Wooster.' - -'That's fine,' I said. 'Old Biffy asked me to come and join you in -mangling a bit of lunch.' - -He waggled the eyebrows at me. - -'Are you a friend of Charles Biffen?' - -'Oh, rather. Been friends for years and years.' - -He drew in his breath sharply, and I could see that Biffy's stock had -dropped several points. His eye fell on the floor, which was strewn -with things that had tumbled off the upset table. - -'Have you had an accident?' he said. - -'Nothing serious,' I explained. 'Old Biffy had some sort of fit or -seizure just now and knocked over the table.' - -'A fit!' - -'Or seizure.' - -'Is he subject to fits?' - -I was about to answer, when Biffy hurried in. He had forgotten to brush -his hair, which gave him a wild look, and saw the old boy direct a keen -glance at him. It seemed to me that what you might call the preliminary -spade-work had been most satisfactorily attended to and that the -success of the good old bulb could be in no doubt whatever. - -Biffy's man came in with the nose-bags and we sat down to lunch. - - * * * * * - -It looked at first as though the meal was going to be one of those -complete frosts which occur from time to time in the career of a -constant luncher-out. Biffy, a very C-3 host, contributed nothing to -the feast of reason and flow of soul beyond an occasional hiccup, -and every time I started to pull a nifty, Sir Roderick swung round -on me with such a piercing stare that it stopped me in my tracks. -Fortunately, however, the second course consisted of a chicken -fricassee of such outstanding excellence that the old boy, after -wolfing a plateful, handed up his dinner-pail for a second instalment -and became almost genial. - -'I am here this afternoon, Charles,' he said, with what practically -amounted to bonhomie, 'on what I might describe as a mission. Yes, a -mission. This is most excellent chicken.' - -'Glad you like it,' mumbled old Biffy. - -'Singularly toothsome,' said Sir Roderick, pronging another half ounce. -'Yes, as I was saying, a mission. You young fellows nowadays are, I -know, content to live in the centre of the most wonderful metropolis -the world has seen, blind and indifferent to its many marvels. I -should be prepared--were I a betting man, which I am not--to wager -a considerable sum that you have never in your life visited even so -historic a spot as Westminster Abbey. Am I right?' - -Biffy gurgled something about always having meant to. - -'Nor the Tower of London?' - -No, nor the Tower of London. - -'And there exists at this very moment, not twenty minutes by cab -from Hyde Park Corner, the most supremely absorbing and educational -collection of objects, both animate and inanimate, gathered from the -four corners of the Empire, that has ever been assembled in England's -history. I allude to the British Empire Exhibition now situated at -Wembley.' - -'A fellow told me one about Wembley yesterday,' I said, to help on -the cheery flow of conversation. 'Stop me if you've heard it before. -Chap goes up to deaf chap outside the exhibition and says, "Is this -Wembley?" "Hey?" says deaf chap. "Is this Wembley?" says chap. "Hey?" -says deaf chap. "Is this Wembley?" says chap. "No, Thursday," says deaf -chap. Ha, ha, I mean, what?' - -The merry laughter froze on my lips. Sir Roderick sort of just waggled -an eyebrow in my direction and I saw that it was back to the basket for -Bertram. I never met a man who had such a knack of making a fellow feel -like a waste-product. - -'Have you yet paid a visit to Wembley, Charles?' he asked. 'No? -Precisely as I suspected. Well, that is the mission on which I am here -this afternoon. Honoria wishes me to take you to Wembley. She says it -will broaden your mind, in which view I am at one with her. We will -start immediately after luncheon.' - -Biffy cast an imploring look at me. - -'You'll come too, Bertie?' - -There was such agony in his eyes that I only hesitated for a second. -A pal is a pal. Besides, I felt that, if only the bulb fulfilled the -high expectations I had formed of it, the merry expedition would be -cancelled in no uncertain manner. - -'Oh, rather,' I said. - -'We must not trespass on Mr Wooster's good nature,' said Sir Roderick, -looking pretty puff-faced. - -'Oh, that's all right,' I said. 'I've been meaning to go to the good -old exhibish for a long time. I'll slip home and change my clothes and -pick you up here in my car.' - -There was a silence. Biffy seemed too relieved at the thought of not -having to spend the afternoon alone with Sir Roderick to be capable of -speech, and Sir Roderick was registering silent disapproval. And then -he caught sight of the bouquet by Biffy's plate. - -'Ah, flowers,' he said. 'Sweet peas, if I am not in error. A charming -plant, pleasing alike to the eye and the nose.' - -I caught Biffy's eye across the table. It was bulging, and a strange -light shone in it. - -'Are you fond of flowers, Sir Roderick?' he croaked. - -'Extremely.' - -'Smell these.' - -Sir Roderick dipped his head and sniffed. Biffy's fingers closed -slowly over the bulb. I shut my eyes and clutched the table. - -'Very pleasant,' I heard Sir Roderick say. 'Very pleasant indeed.' - -I opened my eyes, and there was Biffy leaning back in his chair with -a ghastly look, and the bouquet on the cloth beside him. I realized -what had happened. In that supreme crisis of his life, with his whole -happiness depending on a mere pressure of the fingers, Biffy, the poor -spineless fish, had lost his nerve. My closely reasoned scheme had gone -phut. - -Jeeves was fooling about with the geraniums in the sitting-room -window-box when I got home. - -'They make a very nice display, sir,' he said, cocking a paternal eye -at the things. - -'Don't talk to me about flowers,' I said. 'Jeeves, I know now how a -general feels when he plans out some great scientific movement and his -troops let him down at the eleventh hour.' - -'Indeed, sir?' - -'Yes,' I said, and told him what had happened. - -He listened thoughtfully. - -'A somewhat vacillating and changeable young gentleman, Mr Biffen,' was -his comment when I had finished. 'Would you be requiring me for the -remainder of the afternoon, sir?' - -'No. I'm going to Wembley. I just came back to change and get the car. -Produce some fairly durable garments which can stand getting squashed -by the many-headed, Jeeves, and then phone to the garage.' - -'Very good, sir. The grey cheviot lounge will, I fancy, be suitable. -Would it be too much if I asked you to give me a seat in the car, sir? -I had thought of going to Wembley myself this afternoon.' - -'Eh? Oh, all right.' - -'Thank you very much, sir.' - -I got dressed, and we drove round to Biffy's flat. Biffy and Sir -Roderick got in at the back and Jeeves climbed into the front seat next -to me. Biffy looked so ill-attuned to an afternoon's pleasure that my -heart bled for the blighter and I made one last attempt to appeal to -Jeeves's better feelings. - -'I must say, Jeeves,' I said, 'I'm dashed disappointed in you.' - -'I am sorry to hear that, sir.' - -'Well, I am. Dashed disappointed. I do think you might rally round. Did -you see Mr Biffen's face?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Well, then.' - -'If you will pardon my saying so, sir, Mr Biffen has surely only -himself to thank if he has entered upon matrimonial obligations which -do not please him.' - -'You're talking absolute rot, Jeeves. You know as well as I do that -Honoria Glossop is an Act of God. You might just as well blame a fellow -for getting run over by a truck.' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Absolutely yes. Besides, the poor ass wasn't in a condition to resist. -He told me all about it. He had lost the only girl he had ever loved, -and you know what a man's like when that happens to him.' - -'How was that, sir?' - -'Apparently he fell in love with some girl on the boat going over to -New York, and they parted at the Customs sheds, arranging to meet next -day at her hotel. Well, you know what Biffy's like. He forgets his own -name half the time. He never made a note of the address, and it passed -clean out of his mind. He went about in a sort of trance, and suddenly -woke up to find that he was engaged to Honoria Glossop.' - -'I did not know of this, sir.' - -'I don't suppose anybody knows of it except me. He told me when I was -in Paris.' - -'I should have supposed it would have been feasible to make inquiries, -sir.' - -'That's what I said. But he had forgotten her name.' - -'That sounds remarkable, sir.' - -'I said that too. But it's a fact. All he remembered was that her -Christian name was Mabel. Well, you can't go scouring New York for a -girl named Mabel, what?' - -'I appreciate the difficulty, sir.' - -'Well, there it is, then.' - -'I see, sir.' - -We had got into a mob of vehicles outside the Exhibition by this -time, and, some tricky driving being indicated, I had to suspend the -conversation. We parked ourselves eventually and went in. Jeeves -drifted away, and Sir Roderick took charge of the expedition. He headed -for the Palace of Industry, with Biffy and myself trailing behind. - -Well, you know, I have never been much of a lad for exhibitions. The -citizenry in the mass always rather puts me off, and after I have been -shuffling along with the multitude for a quarter of an hour or so I -feel as if I were walking on hot bricks. About this particular binge, -too, there seemed to me a lack of what you might call human interest. I -mean to say, millions of people, no doubt, are so constituted that they -scream with joy and excitement at the spectacle of a stuffed porcupine -fish or a glass jar of seeds from Western Australia--but not Bertram. -No; if you will take the word of one who would not deceive you, not -Bertram. By the time we had tottered out of the Gold Coast village and -were working towards the Palace of Machinery, everything pointed to my -shortly executing a quiet sneak in the direction of that rather jolly -Planters' Bar in the West Indian section. Sir Roderick had whizzed us -past this at a high rate of speed, it touching no chord in him; but I -had been able to observe that there was a sprightly sportsman behind -the counter mixing things out of bottles and stirring them up with a -stick in long glasses that seemed to have ice in them, and the urge -came upon me to see more of this man. I was about to drop away from -the main body and become a straggler, when something pawed at my coat -sleeve. It was Biffy, and he had the air of one who has had about -sufficient. - -There are certain moments in life when words are not needed. I looked -at Biffy, Biffy looked at me. A perfect understanding linked our two -souls. - -'?' - -'!' - -Three minutes later we had joined the Planters. - -I have never been in the West Indies, but I am in a position to state -that in certain of the fundamentals of life they are streets ahead -of our European civilization. The man behind the counter, as kindly -a bloke as I ever wish to meet, seemed to guess our requirements the -moment we hove in view. Scarcely had our elbows touched the wood before -he was leaping to and fro, bringing down a new bottle with each leap. -A planter, apparently, does not consider he has had a drink unless it -contains at least seven ingredients, and I'm not saying, mind you, that -he isn't right. The man behind the bar told us the things were called -Green Swizzles; and, if ever I marry and have a son, Green Swizzle -Wooster is the name that will go down on the register, in memory of the -day his father's life was saved at Wembley. - -After the third, Biffy breathed a contented sigh. - -'Where do you think Sir Roderick is?' he said. - -'Biffy, old thing,' I replied frankly, 'I'm not worrying.' - -'Bertie, old bird,' said Biffy, 'nor am I.' - -He sighed again, and broke a long silence by asking the man for a straw. - -'Bertie,' he said, 'I've just remembered something rather rummy. You -know Jeeves?' - -I said I knew Jeeves. - -'Well, a rather rummy incident occurred as we were going into this -place. Old Jeeves sidled up to me and said something rather rummy. -You'll never guess what it was.' - -'No. I don't believe I ever shall.' - -'Jeeves said,' proceeded Biffy earnestly, 'and I am quoting his very -words--Jeeves said, "Mr Biffen"--addressing me, you understand--' - -'I understand.' - -'"Mr Biffen," he said, "I strongly advise you to visit the--"' - -'The what?' I asked as he paused. - -'Bertie, old man,' said Biffy, deeply concerned, 'I've absolutely -forgotten!' - -I stared at the man. - -'What I can't understand,' I said, 'is how you manage to run that -Herefordshire place of yours for a day. How on earth do you remember to -milk the cows and give the pigs their dinner?' - -'Oh, that's all right. There are divers blokes about the -places--hirelings and menials, you know--who look after all that.' - -'Ah!' I said. 'Well, that being so, let us have one more Green Swizzle, -and then hey for the Amusement Park.' - - * * * * * - -When I indulged in those few rather bitter words about exhibitions, it -must be distinctly understood that I was not alluding to what you might -call the more earthy portion of these curious places. I yield to no man -in my approval of those institutions where on payment of a shilling you -are permitted to slide down a slippery runway sitting on a mat. I love -the Jiggle-Joggle, and I am prepared to take on all and sundry at Skee -Ball for money, stamps, or Brazil nuts. - -But, joyous reveller as I am on these occasions, I was simply not in -it with old Biffy. Whether it was the Green Swizzles or merely the -relief of being parted from Sir Roderick, I don't know, but Biffy flung -himself into the pastimes of the proletariat with a zest that was -almost frightening. I could hardly drag him away from the Whip, and as -for the Switchback, he looked like spending the rest of his life on it. -I managed to remove him at last, and he was wandering through the crowd -at my side with gleaming eyes, hesitating between having his fortune -told and taking a whirl at the Wheel of Joy, when he suddenly grabbed -my arm and uttered a sharp animal cry. - -'Bertie!' - -'Now what?' - -He was pointing at a large sign over a building. - -'Look! Palace of Beauty!' - -I tried to choke him off. I was getting a bit weary by this time. Not -so young as I was. - -'You don't want to go in there,' I said. 'A fellow at the club was -telling me about that. It's only a lot of girls. You don't want to see -a lot of girls.' - -'I do want to see a lot of girls,' said Biffy firmly. 'Dozens of -girls, and the more unlike Honoria they are, the better. Besides, -I've suddenly remembered that that's the place Jeeves told me to be -sure and visit. It all comes back to me. "Mr Biffen," he said, "I -strongly advise you to visit the Palace of Beauty." Now, what the man -was driving at or what his motive was, I don't know; but I ask you, -Bertie, is it wise, is it safe, is it judicious ever to ignore Jeeves's -lightest word? We enter by the door on the left.' - -I don't know if you know this Palace of Beauty place? It's a sort of -aquarium full of the delicately nurtured instead of fishes. You go in, -and there is a kind of cage with a female goggling out at you through a -sheet of plate glass. She's dressed in some weird kind of costume, and -over the cage is written 'Helen of Troy'. You pass on to the next, and -there's another one doing jiu-jitsu with a snake. Sub-title, Cleopatra. -You get the idea--Famous Women Through the Ages and all that. I can't -say it fascinated me to any great extent. I maintain that lovely -woman loses a lot of her charm if you have to stare at her in a tank. -Moreover, it gave me a rummy sort of feeling of having wandered into -the wrong bedroom at a country house, and I was flying past at a fair -rate of speed, anxious to get it over, when Biffy suddenly went off his -rocker. - -At least, it looked like that. He let out a piercing yell, grabbed my -arm with a sudden clutch that felt like the bite of a crocodile, and -stood there gibbering. - -'Wuk!' ejaculated Biffy, or words to that general import. - -A large and interested crowd had gathered round. I think they thought -the girls were going to be fed or something. But Biffy paid no -attention to them. He was pointing in a loony manner at one of the -cages. I forget which it was, but the female inside wore a ruff, so it -may have been Queen Elizabeth or Boadicea or someone of that period. -She was rather a nice-looking girl, and she was staring at Biffy in -much the same pop-eyed way as he was staring at her. - -'Mabel!' yelled Biffy, going off in my ear like a bomb. - -I can't say I was feeling my chirpiest. Drama is all very well, but I -hate getting mixed up in it in a public spot; and I had not realized -before how dashed public this spot was. The crowd seemed to have -doubled itself in the last five seconds, and, while most of them had -their eye on Biffy, quite a goodish few were looking at me as if they -thought I was an important principal in the scene and might be expected -at any moment to give of my best in the way of wholesome entertainment -for the masses. - -Biffy was jumping about like a lamb in the springtime--and, what is -more, a feeble-minded lamb. - -'Bertie! It's her! It's she!' He looked about him wildly. 'Where the -deuce is the stage-door?' he cried. 'Where's the manager? I want to see -the house-manager immediately.' - -And then he suddenly bounded forward and began hammering on the glass -with his stick. - -'I say, old lad!' I began, but he shook me off. - -These fellows who live in the country are apt to go in for fairly -sizable clubs instead of the light canes which your well-dressed -man about town considers suitable for metropolitan use; and down in -Herefordshire, apparently, something in the nature of a knobkerrie is -_de rigueur_. Biffy's first slosh smashed the glass all to a hash. -Three more cleared the way for him to go into the cage without cutting -himself. And, before the crowd had time to realize what a wonderful -bob's-worth it was getting in exchange for its entrance fee, he was -inside, engaging the girl in earnest conversation. And at the same -moment two large policemen rolled up. - -You can't make policemen take the romantic view. Not a tear did these -two blighters stop to brush away. They were inside the cage and out -of it and marching Biffy through the crowd before you had time to -blink. I hurried after them, to do what I could in the way of soothing -Biffy's last moments, and the poor old lad turned a glowing face in my -direction. - -'Chiswick, 60873,' he bellowed in a voice charged with emotion. 'Write -it down, Bertie, or I shall forget it. Chiswick, 60873. Her telephone -number.' - -And then he disappeared, accompanied by about eleven thousand -sightseers, and a voice spoke at my elbow. - -'Mr Wooster! What--what--what is the meaning of this?' - -Sir Roderick, with bigger eyebrows than ever, was standing at my side. - -'It's all right,' I said. 'Poor old Biffy's only gone off his crumpet.' - -He tottered. - -'What?' - -'Had a sort of fit or seizure, you know.' - -'Another!' Sir Roderick drew a deep breath. 'And this is the man I was -about to allow my daughter to marry!' I heard him mutter. - -I tapped him in a kindly spirit on the shoulder. It took some doing, -mark you, but I did it. - -'If I were you,' I said, 'I should call that off. Scratch the fixture. -Wash it out absolutely, is my advice.' - -He gave me a nasty look. - -'I do not require your advice, Mr Wooster! I had already arrived -independently at the decision of which you speak. Mr Wooster, you are a -friend of this man--a fact which should in itself have been sufficient -warning to me. You will--unlike myself--be seeing him again. Kindly -inform him, when you do see him, that he may consider his engagement at -an end.' - -'Right-ho,' I said, and hurried off after the crowd. It seemed to me -that a little bailing-out might be in order. - - * * * * * - -It was about an hour later that I shoved my way out to where I had -parked the car. Jeeves was sitting in the front seat, brooding over the -cosmos. He rose courteously as I approached. - -'You are leaving, sir?' - -'I am.' - -'And Sir Roderick, sir?' - -'Not coming. I am revealing no secrets, Jeeves, when I inform you that -he and I have parted brass rags. Not on speaking terms now.' - -'Indeed, sir? And Mr Biffen? Will you wait for him?' - -'No. He's in prison.' - -'Really, sir?' - -'Yes. I tried to bail him out, but they decided on second thoughts to -coop him up for the night.' - -'What was his offence, sir?' - -'You remember that girl of his I was telling you about? He found her -in a tank at the Palace of Beauty and went after her by the quickest -route, which was via a plate-glass window. He was then scooped up and -borne off in irons by the constabulary.' I gazed sideways at him. It -is difficult to bring off a penetrating glance out of the corner of -your eye, but I managed it. 'Jeeves,' I said, 'there is more in this -than the casual observer would suppose. You told Mr Biffen to go to the -Palace of Beauty. Did you know the girl would be there?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -This was most remarkable and rummy to a degree. - -'Dash it, do you know everything?' - -'Oh, no, sir,' said Jeeves with an indulgent smile. Humouring the young -master. - -'Well, how did you know that?' - -'I happen to be acquainted with the future Mrs Biffen, sir.' - -'I see. Then you knew all about that business in New York?' - -'Yes, sir. And it was for that reason that I was not altogether -favourably disposed towards Mr Biffen when you were first kind enough -to suggest that I might be able to offer some slight assistance. -I mistakenly supposed that he had been trifling with the girl's -affections, sir. But when you told me the true facts of the case I -appreciated the injustice I had done to Mr Biffen and endeavoured to -make amends.' - -'Well, he certainly owes you a lot. He's crazy about her.' - -'That is very gratifying, sir.' - -'And she ought to be pretty grateful to you, too. Old Biffy's got -fifteen thousand a year, not to mention more cows, pigs, hens, and -ducks than he knows what to do with. A dashed useful bird to have in -any family.' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Tell me, Jeeves,' I said, 'how did you happen to know the girl in the -first place?' - -Jeeves looked dreamily out into the traffic. - -'She is my niece, sir. If I might make the suggestion, sir, I should -not jerk the steering wheel with quite such suddenness. We very nearly -collided with that omnibus.' - - - - - 7--Without the Option - - -The evidence was all in. The machinery of the law had worked without a -hitch. And the beak, having adjusted a pair of pince-nez which looked -as though they were going to do a nose dive any moment, coughed like -a pained sheep and slipped us the bad news. 'The prisoner, Wooster,' -he said--and who can paint the shame and agony of Bertram at hearing -himself so described?--'will pay a fine of five pounds.' - -'Oh, rather!' I said. 'Absolutely! Like a shot!' - -I was dashed glad to get the thing settled at such a reasonable figure. -I gazed across what they call the sea of faces till I picked up Jeeves, -sitting at the back. Stout fellow, he had come to see the young master -through his hour of trial. - -'I say, Jeeves,' I sang out, 'have you got a fiver? I'm a bit short.' - -'Silence!' bellowed some officious blighter. - -'It's all right,' I said; 'just arranging the financial details. Got -the stuff, Jeeves?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Good egg!' - -'Are you a friend of the prisoner?' asked the beak. - -'I am in Mr Wooster's employment, Your Worship, in the capacity of -gentleman's personal gentleman.' - -'Then pay the fine to the clerk.' - -'Very good, Your Worship.' - -The beak gave a coldish nod in my direction, as much as to say that -they might now strike the fetters from my wrists; and having hitched up -the pince-nez once more, proceeded to hand poor old Sippy one of the -nastiest looks ever seen in Bosher Street Police Court. - -'The case of the prisoner Leon Trotzky--which,' he said, giving -Sippy the eye again, 'I am strongly inclined to think an assumed and -fictitious name--is more serious. He has been convicted of a wanton and -violent assault upon the police. The evidence of the officer has proved -that the prisoner struck him in the abdomen, causing severe internal -pain, and in other ways interfered with him in the execution of his -duties. I am aware that on the night following the annual aquatic -contest between the Universities of Oxford and Cambridge a certain -licence is traditionally granted by the authorities, but aggravated -acts of ruffianly hooliganism like that of the prisoner Trotzky cannot -be overlooked or palliated. He will serve a sentence of thirty days in -the Second Division without the option of a fine.' - -'No, I say--here--hi--dash it all!' protested poor old Sippy. - -'Silence!' bellowed the officious blighter. - -'Next case,' said the beak. And that was that. - - * * * * * - -The whole affair was most unfortunate. Memory is a trifle blurred; but -as far as I can piece together the facts, what happened was more or -less this: - -Abstemious cove though I am as a general thing, there is one night in -the year when, putting all other engagements aside, I am rather apt to -let myself go a bit and renew my lost youth, as it were. The night to -which I allude is the one following the annual aquatic contest between -the Universities of Oxford and Cambridge; or, putting it another -way, Boat-Race Night. Then, if ever, you will see Bertram under the -influence. And on this occasion, I freely admit, I had been doing -myself rather juicily, with the result that when I ran into old Sippy -opposite the Empire I was in quite fairly bonhomous mood. This being -so, it cut me to the quick to perceive that Sippy, generally the -brightest of revellers, was far from being his usual sunny self. He had -the air of a man with a secret sorrow. - -'Bertie,' he said as we strolled along towards Piccadilly Circus, 'the -heart bowed down by weight of woe to weakest hope will cling.' Sippy is -by way of being an author, though mainly dependent for the necessaries -of life on subsidies from an old aunt who lives in the country, and -his conversation often takes a literary turn. 'But the trouble is that -I have no hope to cling to, weak or otherwise. I am up against it, -Bertie.' - -'In what way, laddie?' - -'I've got to go tomorrow and spend three weeks with some absolutely -dud--I will go further--some positively scaly friends of my Aunt Vera. -She has fixed the thing up, and may a nephew's curse blister every bulb -in her garden.' - -'Who are these hounds of hell?' I asked. - -'Some people named Pringle. I haven't seen them since I was ten, but I -remember them at that time striking me as England's premier warts.' - -'Tough luck. No wonder you've lost your morale.' - -'The world,' said Sippy, 'is very grey. How can I shake off this awful -depression?' - -It was then that I got one of those bright ideas one does get round -about 11.30 on Boat-Race Night. - -'What you want, old man,' I said, 'is a policeman's helmet.' - -'Do I, Bertie?' - -'If I were you, I'd just step straight across the street and get that -one over there.' - -'But there's a policeman inside it. You can see him distinctly.' - -'What does that matter?' I said. I simply couldn't follow his reasoning. - -Sippy stood for a moment in thought. - -'I believe you're absolutely right,' he said at last. 'Funny I never -thought of it before. You really recommend me to get that helmet?' - -'I do, indeed.' - -'Then I will,' said Sippy, brightening up in the most remarkable manner. - - * * * * * - -So there you have the posish, and you can see why, as I left the dock a -free man, remorse gnawed at my vitals. In his twenty-fifth year, with -life opening out before him and all that sort of thing, Oliver Randolph -Sipperley had become a jail-bird, and it was all my fault. It was I who -had dragged that fine spirit down into the mire, so to speak, and the -question now arose, What could I do to atone? - -Obviously the first move must be to get in touch with Sippy and see if -he had any last messages and what-not. I pushed about a bit, making -inquiries, and presently found myself in a little dark room with -whitewashed walls and a wooden bench. Sippy was sitting on the bench -with his head in his hands. - -'How are you, old lad?' I asked in a hushed, bedside voice. - -'I'm a ruined man,' said Sippy, looking like a poached egg. - -'Oh, come,' I said, 'it's not so bad as all that. I mean to say, -you had the swift intelligence to give a false name. There won't be -anything about you in the papers.' - -'I'm not worrying about the papers. What's bothering me is, how can I -go and spend three weeks with the Pringles, starting today, when I've -got to sit in a prison cell with a ball and chain on my ankle?' - -'But you said you didn't want to go.' - -'It isn't a question of wanting, fathead. I've got to go. If I don't -my aunt will find out where I am. And if she finds out that I am doing -thirty days, without the option, in the lowest dungeon beneath the -castle moat--well, where shall I get off?' - -I saw his point. - -'This is not a thing we can settle for ourselves,' I said gravely. -'We must put our trust in a higher power. Jeeves is the man we must -consult.' - -And having collected a few of the necessary data, I shook his hand, -patted him on the back and tooled off home to Jeeves. - -'Jeeves,' I said, when I had climbed outside the pick-me-up which he -had thoughtfully prepared against my coming, 'I've got something to -tell you; something important; something that vitally affects one -whom you have always regarded with--one whom you have always looked -upon--one whom you have--well, to cut a long story short, as I'm not -feeling quite myself--Mr Sipperley.' - -'Yes, sir?' - -'Jeeves, Mr Souperley is in the sip.' - -'Sir?' - -'I mean, Mr Sipperley is in the soup.' - -'Indeed, sir?' - -'And all owing to me. It was I who, in a moment of mistaken kindness, -wishing only to cheer him up and give him something to occupy his mind, -recommended him to pinch that policeman's helmet.' - -'Is that so, sir?' - -'Do you mind not intoning the responses, Jeeves?' I said. 'This is a -most complicated story for a man with a headache to have to tell, and -if you interrupt you'll make me lose the thread. As a favour to me, -therefore, don't do it. Just nod every now and then to show that you're -following me.' - -I closed my eyes and marshalled the facts. - -'To start with then, Jeeves, you may or may not know that Mr Sipperley -is practically dependent on his Aunt Vera.' - -'Would that be Miss Sipperley of the Paddock, Beckley-on-the-Moor, in -Yorkshire, sir?' - -'Yes. Don't tell me you know her!' - -'Not personally, sir. But I have a cousin residing in the village who -has some slight acquaintance with Miss Sipperley. He has described her -to me as an imperious and quick-tempered old lady.... But I beg your -pardon, sir, I should have nodded.' - -'Quite right, you should have nodded. Yes, Jeeves, you should have -nodded. But it's too late now.' - -I nodded myself. I hadn't had my eight hours the night before, and what -you might call a lethargy was showing a tendency to steal over me from -time to time. - -'Yes, sir?' said Jeeves. - -'Oh--ah--yes,' I said, giving myself a bit of a hitch up. 'Where had I -got to?' - -'You were saying that Mr Sipperley is practically dependent upon Miss -Sipperley, sir.' - -'Was I?' - -'You were, sir.' - -'You're perfectly right; so I was. Well, then, you can readily -understand, Jeeves, that he has got to take jolly good care to keep in -with her. You get that?' - -Jeeves nodded. - -'Now mark this closely: The other day she wrote to old Sippy, telling -him to come down and sing at her village concert. It was equivalent to -a royal command, if you see what I mean, so Sippy couldn't refuse in so -many words. But he had sung at her village concert once before and had -got the bird in no uncertain manner, so he wasn't playing any return -dates. You follow so far, Jeeves?' - -Jeeves nodded. - -'So what did he do, Jeeves? He did what seemed to him at the moment -a rather brainy thing. He told her that, though he would have been -delighted to sing at her village concert, by a most unfortunate chance -an editor had commissioned him to write a series of articles on the -colleges of Cambridge and he was obliged to pop down there at once and -would be away for quite three weeks. All clear up to now?' - -Jeeves inclined the coco-nut. - -'Whereupon, Jeeves, Miss Sipperley wrote back, saying that she quite -realized that work must come before pleasure--pleasure being her loose -way of describing the act of singing songs at the Beckley-on-the-Moor -concert and getting the laugh from the local toughs; but that, if he -was going to Cambridge, he must certainly stay with her friends, the -Pringles, at their house just outside the town. And she dropped them a -line telling them to expect him on the twenty-eighth, and they dropped -another line saying right-ho, and the thing was settled. And now Mr -Sipperley is in the jug, and what will be the ultimate outcome or -upshot? Jeeves, it is a problem worthy of your great intellect. I rely -on you.' - -'I will do my best to justify your confidence, sir.' - -'Carry on, then. And meanwhile pull down the blinds and bring a couple -more cushions and heave that small chair this way so that I can put my -feet up, and then go away and brood and let me hear from you in--say, a -couple of hours, or maybe three. And if anybody calls and wants to see -me, inform them that I am dead.' - -'Dead, sir?' - -'Dead. You won't be so far wrong.' - -It must have been well towards evening when I woke up with a crick in -my neck but otherwise somewhat refreshed. I pressed the bell. - -'I looked in twice, sir,' said Jeeves, 'but on each occasion you were -asleep and I did not like to disturb you.' - -'The right spirit, Jeeves.... Well?' - -'I have been giving close thought to the little problem which you -indicated, sir, and I can see only one solution.' - -'One is enough. What do you suggest?' - -'That you go to Cambridge in Mr Sipperley's place, sir.' - -I stared at the man. Certainly I was feeling a good deal better than -I had been a few hours before; but I was far from being in a fit -condition to have rot like this talked to me. - -'Jeeves,' I said sternly, 'pull yourself together. This is mere babble -from the sickbed.' - -'I fear I can suggest no other plan of action, sir, which will -extricate Mr Sipperley from his dilemma.' - -'But think! Reflect! Why, even I, in spite of having had a disturbed -night and a most painful morning with the minions of the law, can see -that the scheme is a loony one. To put the finger on only one leak in -the thing, it isn't me these people want to see; it's Mr Sipperley. -They don't know me from Adam.' - -'So much the better, sir. For what I am suggesting is that you go to -Cambridge, affecting actually to be Mr Sipperley.' - -This was too much. - -'Jeeves,' I said, and I'm not half sure there weren't tears in my eyes, -'surely you can see for yourself that this is pure banana oil. It is -not like you to come into the presence of a sick man and gibber.' - -'I think the plan I have suggested would be practicable, sir. While you -were sleeping, I was able to have a few words with Mr Sipperley, and he -informed me that Professor and Mrs Pringle have not set eyes upon him -since he was a lad of ten.' - -'No, that's true. He told me that. But even so, they would be sure to -ask him questions about my aunt--or rather his aunt. Where would I be -then?' - -'Mr Sipperley was kind enough to give me a few facts respecting Miss -Sipperley, sir, which I jotted down. With these, added to what my -cousin has told me of the lady's habits, I think you would be in a -position to answer any ordinary question.' - -There is something dashed insidious about Jeeves. Time and again -since we first came together he has stunned me with some apparently -drivelling suggestion or scheme or ruse or plan of campaign, and after -about five minutes has convinced me that it is not only sound but -fruity. It took nearly a quarter of an hour to reason me into this -particular one, it being considerably the weirdest to date; but he did -it. I was holding out pretty firmly, when he suddenly clinched the -thing. - -'I would certainly suggest, sir,' he said, 'that you left London as -soon as possible and remained hid for some little time in some retreat -where you would not be likely to be found.' - -'Eh? Why?' - -'During the last hours Mrs Spenser has been on the telephone three -times, sir, endeavouring to get into communication with you.' - -'Aunt Agatha!' I cried, paling beneath my tan. - -'Yes, sir. I gathered from her remarks that she had been reading in -the evening paper a report of this morning's proceedings in the police -court.' - -I hopped from the chair like a jack rabbit of the prairie. If Aunt -Agatha was out with her hatchet, a move was most certainly indicated. - -'Jeeves,' I said, 'this is a time for deeds, not words. Pack--and that -right speedily.' - -'I have packed, sir.' - -'Find out when there is a train for Cambridge.' - -'There is one in forty minutes, sir.' - -'Call a taxi.' - -'A taxi is at the door, sir.' - -'Good!' I said. 'Then lead me to it.' - - * * * * * - -The Maison Pringle was quite a bit of a way out of Cambridge, a mile -or two down the Trumpington Road; and when I arrived everybody was -dressing for dinner. So it wasn't till I had shoved on the evening -raiment and got down to the drawing-room that I met the gang. - -'Hullo-ullo!' I said, taking a deep breath and floating in. - -I tried to speak in a clear and ringing voice, but I wasn't feeling my -chirpiest. It is always a nervous job for a diffident and unassuming -bloke to visit a strange house for the first time; and it doesn't -make the thing any better when he goes there pretending to be another -fellow. I was conscious of a rather pronounced sinking feeling, which -the appearance of the Pringles did nothing to allay. - -Sippy had described them as England's premier warts, and it looked to -me as if he might be about right. Professor Pringle was a thinnish, -baldish, dyspeptic-lookingish cove with an eye like a haddock, while -Mrs Pringle's aspect was that of one who had had bad news round about -the year 1900 and never really got over it. And I was just staggering -under the impact of these two when I was introduced to a couple of -ancient females with shawls all over them. - -'No doubt you remember my mother?' said Professor Pringle mournfully, -indicating Exhibit A. - -'Oh-ah!' I said, achieving a bit of a beam. - -'And my aunt,' sighed the prof, as if things were getting worse and -worse. - -'Well, well, well!' I said, shooting another beam in the direction of -Exhibit B. - -'They were saying only this morning that they remembered you,' groaned -the prof, abandoning all hope. - -There was a pause. The whole strength of the company gazed at me like a -family group out of one of Edgar Allan Poe's less cheery yarns, and I -felt my _joie de vivre_ dying at the roots. - -'I remember Oliver,' said Exhibit A. She heaved a sigh. 'He was such a -pretty child. What a pity! What a pity!' - -Tactful, of course, and calculated to put the guest completely at his -ease. - -'I remember Oliver,' said Exhibit B, looking at me in much the same way -as the Bosher Street beak had looked at Sippy before putting on the -black cap. 'Nasty little boy! He teased my cat.' - -'Aunt Jane's memory is wonderful, considering that she will be -eighty-seven next birthday,' whispered Mrs Pringle with mournful pride. - -'What did you say?' asked the Exhibit suspiciously. - -'I said your memory was wonderful.' - -'Ah!' The dear old creature gave me another glare. I could see that no -beautiful friendship was to be looked for by Bertram in this quarter. -'He chased my Tibby all over the garden, shooting arrows at her from a -bow.' - -At this moment a cat strolled out from under the sofa and made for me -with its tail up. Cats always do take to me, which made it all the -sadder that I should be saddled with Sippy's criminal record. I stooped -to tickle it under the ear, such being my invariable policy, and the -Exhibit uttered a piercing cry. - -'Stop him! Stop him!' - -She leaped forward, moving uncommonly well for one of her years, and -having scooped up the cat, stood eyeing me with bitter defiance, as if -daring me to start anything. Most unpleasant. - -'I like cats,' I said feebly. - -It didn't go. The sympathy of the audience was not with me. And -conversation was at what you might call a low ebb, when the door opened -and a girl came in. - -'My daughter Heloise,' said the prof moodily, as if he hated to admit -it. - -I turned to mitt the female, and stood there with my hand out, gaping. -I can't remember when I've had such a nasty shock. - -I suppose everybody has had the experience of suddenly meeting -somebody who reminded them frightfully of some fearful person. I mean -to say, by way of an example, once when I was golfing in Scotland I saw -a woman come into the hotel who was the living image of my Aunt Agatha. -Probably a very decent sort, if I had only waited to see, but I didn't -wait. I legged it that evening, utterly unable to stand the spectacle. -And on another occasion I was driven out of a thoroughly festive night -club because the head waiter reminded me of my Uncle Percy. - -Well, Heloise Pringle, in the most ghastly way, resembled Honoria -Glossop. - -I think I may have told you before about this Glossop scourge. She was -the daughter of Sir Roderick Glossop, the loony-doctor, and I had been -engaged to her for about three weeks, much against my wishes, when the -old boy most fortunately got the idea that I was off my rocker and put -the bee on the proceedings. Since then the mere thought of her had been -enough to make me start out of my sleep with a loud cry. And this girl -was exactly like her. - -'Er--how are you?' I said. - -'How do you do?' - -Her voice put the lid on it. It might have been Honoria herself -talking. Honoria Glossop has a voice like a lion tamer making some -authoritative announcement to one of the troupe, and so had this girl. -I backed away convulsively and sprang into the air as my foot stubbed -itself against something squashy. A sharp yowl rent the air, followed -by an indignant cry, and I turned to see Aunt Jane, on all fours, -trying to put things right with the cat, which had gone to earth under -the sofa. She gave me a look, and I could see that her worst fears had -been realized. - -At this juncture dinner was announced--not before I was ready for it. - - * * * * * - -'Jeeves,' I said, when I got him alone that night, 'I am no faint -heart, but I am inclined to think that this binge is going to prove a -shade above the odds.' - -'You are not enjoying your visit, sir?' - -'I am not, Jeeves. Have you seen Miss Pringle?' - -'Yes, sir, from a distance.' - -'The best way to see her. Did you observe her keenly?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Did she remind you of anybody?' - -'She appeared to me to bear a remarkable likeness to her cousin, Miss -Glossop, sir.' - -'Her cousin! You don't mean to say she's Honoria Glossop's cousin!' - -'Yes, sir. Mrs Pringle was a Miss Blatherwick--the younger of two -sisters, the elder of whom married Sir Roderick Glossop.' - -'Great Scott! That accounts for the resemblance.' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'And what a resemblance, Jeeves! She even talks like Miss Glossop.' - -'Indeed, sir? I have not yet heard Miss Pringle speak.' - -'You have missed little. And what it amounts to, Jeeves, is that, -though nothing will induce me to let old Sippy down, I can see that -this visit is going to try me high. At a pinch, I could stand the -prof and wife. I could even make the effort of a lifetime and bear -up against Aunt Jane. But to expect a man to mix daily with the girl -Heloise--and to do it, what is more, on lemonade, which is all there -was to drink at dinner--is to ask too much of him. What shall I do, -Jeeves?' - -'I think that you should avoid Miss Pringle's society as much as -possible.' - -'The same great thought had occurred to me,' I said. - -It is all very well, though, to talk airily about avoiding a female's -society; but when you are living in the same house with her, and she -doesn't want to avoid you, it takes a bit of doing. It is a peculiar -thing in life that the people you most particularly want to edge -away from always seem to cluster round like a poultice. I hadn't been -twenty-four hours in the place before I perceived that I was going to -see a lot of this pestilence. - -She was one of those girls you're always meeting on the stairs and -in passages. I couldn't go into a room without seeing her drift in a -minute later. And if I walked in the garden she was sure to leap out at -me from a laurel bush or the onion bed or something. By about the tenth -day I had begun to feel absolutely haunted. - -'Jeeves,' I said, 'I have begun to feel absolutely haunted.' - -'Sir?' - -'This woman dogs me. I never seem to get a moment to myself. Old Sippy -was supposed to come here to make a study of the Cambridge colleges, -and she took me round about fifty-seven this morning. This afternoon -I went to sit in the garden, and she popped up through a trap and was -in my midst. This evening she cornered me in the morning-room. It's -getting so that, when I have a bath, I wouldn't be a bit surprised to -find her nestling in the soap dish.' - -'Extremely trying, sir.' - -'Dashed so. Have you any remedy to suggest?' - -'Not at the moment, sir. Miss Pringle does appear to be distinctly -interested in you, sir. She was asking me questions this morning -respecting your mode of life in London.' - -'What?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -I stared at the man in horror. A ghastly thought had struck me. I -quivered like an aspen. - -At lunch that day a curious thing had happened. We had just finished -mangling the cutlets and I was sitting back in my chair, taking a bit -of an easy before being allotted my slab of boiled pudding, when, -happening to look up, I caught the girl Heloise's eye fixed on me in -what seemed to me a rather rummy manner. I didn't think much about it -at the time, because boiled pudding is a thing you have to give your -undivided attention to if you want to do yourself justice; but now, -recalling the episode in the light of Jeeves's words, the full sinister -meaning of the thing seemed to come home to me. - -Even at the moment, something about that look had struck me as oddly -familiar, and now I suddenly saw why. It had been the identical -look which I had observed in the eye of Honoria Glossop in the days -immediately preceding our engagement--the look of a tigress that has -marked down its prey. - -'Jeeves, do you know what I think?' - -'Sir?' - -I gulped slightly. - -'Jeeves,' I said, 'listen attentively. I don't want to give the -impression that I consider myself one of those deadly coves who -exercise an irresistible fascination over one and all and can't meet -a girl without wrecking her peace of mind in the first half-minute. -As a matter of fact, it's rather the other way with me, for girls on -entering my presence are mostly inclined to give me the raised eyebrow -and the twitching upper lip. Nobody, therefore, can say that I am a man -who's likely to take alarm unnecessarily. You admit that, don't you?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Nevertheless, Jeeves, it is a known scientific fact that there is a -particular style of female that does seem strangely attracted to the -sort of fellow I am.' - -'Very true, sir.' - -'I mean to say, I know perfectly well that I've got, roughly speaking, -half the amount of brain a normal bloke ought to possess. And when a -girl comes along who has about twice the regular allowance, she too -often makes a bee line for me with the love-light in her eyes. I don't -know how to account for it, but it is so.' - -'It may be Nature's provision for maintaining the balance of the -species, sir.' - -'Very possibly. Anyway, it has happened to me over and over again. It -was what happened in the case of Honoria Glossop. She was notoriously -one of the brainiest women of her year at Girton, and she just gathered -me in like a bull pup swallowing a piece of steak.' - -'Miss Pringle, I am informed, sir, was an even more brilliant scholar -than Miss Glossop.' - -'Well, there you are! Jeeves, she looks at me.' - -'Yes, sir?' - -'I keep meeting her on the stairs and in passages.' - -'Indeed, sir?' - -'She recommends me books to read, to improve my mind.' - -'Highly suggestive, sir.' - -'And at breakfast this morning, when I was eating a sausage, she -told me I shouldn't, as modern medical science held that a four-inch -sausage contained as many germs as a dead rat. The maternal touch, you -understand; fussing over my health.' - -'I think we may regard that, sir, as practically conclusive.' - -I sank into a chair, thoroughly pipped. - -'What's to be done, Jeeves?' - -'We must think, sir.' - -'You think. I haven't the machinery.' - -'I will most certainly devote my very best attention to the matter, -sir, and will endeavour to give satisfaction.' - -Well, that was something. But I was ill at ease. Yes, there is no -getting away from it, Bertram was ill at ease. - - * * * * * - -Next morning we visited sixty-three more Cambridge colleges, and after -lunch I said I was going to my room to lie down. After staying there -for half an hour to give the coast time to clear, I shoved a book and -smoking materials in my pocket, and climbing out of a window, shinned -down a convenient water-pipe into the garden. My objective was the -summer-house, where it seemed to me that a man might put in a quiet -hour or so without interruption. - -It was extremely jolly in the garden. The sun was shining, the crocuses -were all to the mustard and there wasn't a sign of Heloise Pringle -anywhere. The cat was fooling about on the lawn, so I chirruped to it -and it gave a low gargle and came trotting up. I had just got it in my -arms and was scratching it under the ear when there was a loud shriek -from above, and there was Aunt Jane half out of the window. Dashed -disturbing. - -'Oh, right-ho,' I said. - -I dropped the cat, which galloped off into the bushes, and dismissing -the idea of bunging a brick at the aged relative, went on my way, -heading for the shrubbery. Once safely hidden there, I worked round -till I got to the summer-house. And, believe me, I had hardly got my -first cigarette nicely under way when a shadow fell on my book and -there was young Sticketh-Closer-Than-a-Brother in person. - -'So there you are,' she said. - -She seated herself by my side, and with a sort of gruesome playfulness -jerked the gasper out of the holder and heaved it through the door. - -'You're always smoking,' she said, a lot too much like a lovingly -chiding young bride for my comfort. 'I wish you wouldn't. It's so bad -for you. And you ought not to be sitting out here without your light -overcoat. You want someone to look after you.' - -'I've got Jeeves.' - -She frowned a bit. - -'I don't like him,' she said. - -'Eh? Why not?' - -'I don't know. I wish you would get rid of him.' - -My flesh absolutely crept. And I'll tell you why. One of the first -things Honoria Glossop had done after we had become engaged was to tell -me she didn't like Jeeves and wanted him shot out. The realization that -this girl resembled Honoria not only in body but in blackness of soul -made me go all faint. - -'What are you reading?' - -She picked up my book and frowned again. The thing was one I had -brought down from the old flat in London, to glance at in the train--a -fairly zippy effort in the detective line called _The Trail of Blood_. -She turned the pages with a nasty sneer. - -'I can't understand you liking nonsense of this--' She stopped -suddenly. 'Good gracious!' - -'What's the matter?' - -'Do you know Bertie Wooster?' - -And then I saw that my name was scrawled right across the title page, -and my heart did three back somersaults. - -'Oh--er--well--that is to say--well, slightly.' - -'He must be a perfect horror. I'm surprised that you can make a friend -of him. Apart from anything else, the man is practically an imbecile. -He was engaged to my Cousin Honoria at one time, and it was broken off -because he was next door to insane. You should hear my Uncle Roderick -talk about him!' - -I wasn't keen. - -'Do you see much of him?' - -'A goodish bit.' - -'I saw in the paper the other day that he was fined for making a -disgraceful disturbance in the street.' - -'Yes, I saw that.' - -She gazed at me in a foul, motherly way. - -'He can't be a good influence for you,' she said. 'I do wish you would -drop him. Will you?' - -'Well--' I began. And at this point old Cuthbert, the cat, having -presumably found it a bit slow by himself in the bushes, wandered in -with a matey expression on his face and jumped on my lap. I welcomed -him with a good deal of cordiality. Though but a cat, he did make a -sort of third at this party; and he afforded a good excuse for changing -the conversation. - -'Jolly birds, cats,' I said. - -She wasn't having any. - -'Will you drop Bertie Wooster?' she said, absolutely ignoring the cat -_motif_. - -'It would be so difficult.' - -'Nonsense! It only needs a little will-power. The man surely can't be -so interesting a companion as all that. Uncle Roderick says he is an -invertebrate waster.' - -I could have mentioned a few things that I thought Uncle Roderick was, -but my lips were sealed, so to speak. - -'You have changed a great deal since we last met,' said the Pringle -disease reproachfully. She bent forward and began to scratch the cat -under the other ear. 'Do you remember, when we were children together, -you used to say that you would do anything for me?' - -'Did I?' - -'I remember once you cried because I was cross and wouldn't let you -kiss me.' - -I didn't believe it at the time, and I don't believe it now. Sippy is -in many ways a good deal of a chump, but surely even at the age of ten -he cannot have been such a priceless ass as that. I think the girl -was lying, but that didn't make the position of affairs any better. I -edged away a couple of inches and sat staring before me, the old brow -beginning to get slightly bedewed. - -And then suddenly--well, you know how it is, I mean. I suppose everyone -has had that ghastly feeling at one time or another of being urged by -some overwhelming force to do some absolutely blithering act. You get -it every now and then when you're in a crowded theatre, and something -seems to be egging you on to shout 'Fire!' and see what happens. Or -you're talking to someone and all at once you feel, 'Now, suppose I -suddenly biffed this bird in the eye!' - -Well, what I'm driving at is this, at this juncture, with her shoulder -squashing against mine and her black hair tickling my nose, a perfectly -loony impulse came sweeping over me to kiss her. - -'No, really?' I croaked. - -'Have you forgotten?' - -She lifted the old onion and her eyes looked straight into mine. I -could feel myself skidding. I shut my eyes. And then from the doorway -there spoke the most beautiful voice I had ever heard in my life: - -'Give me that cat!' - -I opened my eyes. There was good old Aunt Jane, that queen of her sex, -standing before me, glaring at me as if I were a vivisectionist and she -had surprised me in the middle of an experiment. How this pearl among -women had tracked me down I don't know, but there she stood, bless her -dear, intelligent old soul, like the rescue party in the last reel of a -motion picture. - -I didn't wait. The spell was broken and I legged it. As I went, I heard -that lovely voice again. - -'He shot arrows at my Tibby from a bow,' said this most deserving and -excellent octogenarian. - - * * * * * - -For the next few days all was peace. I saw comparatively little of -Heloise. I found the strategic value of that water-pipe outside my -window beyond praise. I seldom left the house now by any other route. -It seemed to me that, if only the luck held like this, I might after -all be able to stick this visit out for the full term of the sentence. - -But meanwhile, as they say in the movies-- - -The whole family appeared to be present and correct as I came down to -the drawing-room a couple of nights later. The Prof, Mrs Prof, the two -Exhibits and the girl Heloise were scattered about at intervals. The -cat slept on the rug, the canary in its cage. There was nothing, in -short, to indicate that this was not just one of our ordinary evenings. - -'Well, well, well!' I said cheerily. 'Hullo-ullo-ullo!' - -I always like to make something in the nature of an entrance speech, it -seeming to me to lend a chummy tone to the proceedings. - -The girl Heloise looked at me reproachfully. - -'Where have you been all day?' she asked. - -'I went to my room after lunch.' - -'You weren't there at five.' - -'No. After putting in a spell of work on the good old colleges I went -for a stroll. Fellow must have exercise if he means to keep fit.' - -'_Mens sana in corpore sano_,' observed the prof. - -'I shouldn't wonder,' I said cordially. - -At this point, when everything was going as sweet as a nut and I was -feeling on top of my form, Mrs Pringle suddenly socked me on the base -of the skull with a sandbag. Not actually, I don't mean. No, no. I -speak figuratively, as it were. - -'Roderick is very late,' she said. - -You may think it strange that the sound of that name should have -sloshed into my nerve centres like a half-brick. But, take it from me, -to a man who has had any dealings with Sir Roderick Glossop there is -only one Roderick in the world--and that is one too many. - -'Roderick?' I gurgled. - -'My brother-in-law, Sir Roderick Glossop, comes to Cambridge tonight,' -said the prof. 'He lectures at St Luke's tomorrow. He is coming here to -dinner.' - -And while I stood there, feeling like the hero when he discovers that -he is trapped in the den of the Secret Nine, the door opened. - -'Sir Roderick Glossop,' announced the maid or some such person, and in -he came. - -One of the things that get this old crumb so generally disliked among -the better element of the community is the fact that he has a head like -the dome of St Paul's and eyebrows that want bobbing or shingling to -reduce them to anything like reasonable size. It is a nasty experience -to see this bald and bushy bloke advancing on you when you haven't -prepared the strategic railways in your rear. - -As he came into the room I backed behind a sofa and commended my soul -to God. I didn't need to have my hand read to know that trouble was -coming to me through a dark man. - -He didn't spot me at first. He shook hands with the prof and wife, -kissed Heloise and waggled his head at the Exhibits. - -'I fear I am somewhat late,' he said. 'A slight accident on the road, -affecting what my chauffeur termed the--' - -And then he saw me lurking on the outskirts and gave a startled grunt, -as if I hurt him a good deal internally. - -'This--' began the prof, waving in my direction. - -'I am already acquainted with Mr Wooster.' - -'This,' went on the prof, 'is Miss Sipperley's nephew, Oliver. You -remember Miss Sipperley?' - -'What do you mean?' barked Sir Roderick. Having had so much to do -with loonies has given him a rather sharp and authoritative manner on -occasion. 'This is that wretched young man, Bertram Wooster. What is -all this nonsense about Olivers and Sipperleys?' - -The prof was eyeing me with some natural surprise. So were the others. -I beamed a bit weakly. - -'Well, as a matter of fact--' I said. - -The prof was wrestling with the situation. You could hear his brain -buzzing. - -'He said he was Oliver Sipperley,' he moaned. - -'Come here!' bellowed Sir Roderick. 'Am I to understand that you have -inflicted yourself on this household under the pretence of being the -nephew of an old friend?' - -It seemed a pretty accurate description of the facts. - -'Well--er--yes,' I said. - -Sir Roderick shot an eye at me. It entered the body somewhere about the -top stud, roamed around inside for a bit and went out at the back. - -'Insane! Quite insane, as I knew from the first moment I saw him.' - -'What did he say?' asked Aunt Jane. - -'Roderick says this young man is insane,' roared the prof. - -'Ah!' said Aunt Jane, nodding. 'I thought so. He climbs down -water-pipes.' - -'Does what?' - -'I've seen him--ah, many a time!' - -Sir Roderick snorted violently. - -'He ought to be under proper restraint. It is abominable that a person -in his mental condition should be permitted to roam the world at large. -The next stage may quite easily be homicidal.' - -It seemed to me that, even at the expense of giving old Sippy away, I -must be cleared of this frightful charge. After all, Sippy's number was -up anyway. - -'Let me explain,' I said. 'Sippy asked me to come here.' - -'What do you mean?' - -'He couldn't come himself, because he was jugged for biffing a cop on -Boat-Race Night.' - -Well, it wasn't easy to make them get the hang of the story, and even -when I'd done it it didn't seem to make them any chummier towards me. -A certain coldness about expresses it, and when dinner was announced I -counted myself out and pushed off rapidly to my room. I could have done -with a bit of dinner, but the atmosphere didn't seem just right. - -'Jeeves,' I said, having shot in and pressed the bell, 'we're sunk.' - -'Sir?' - -'Hell's foundations are quivering and the game is up.' - -He listened attentively. - -'The contingency was one always to have been anticipated as a -possibility, sir. It only remains to take the obvious step.' - -'What's that?' - -'Go and see Miss Sipperley, sir.' - -'What on earth for?' - -'I think it would be judicious to apprise her of the facts yourself, -sir, instead of allowing her to hear of them through the medium of a -letter from Professor Pringle. That is to say, if you are still anxious -to do all in your power to assist Mr Sipperley.' - -'I can't let Sippy down. If you think it's any good--' - -'We can but try it, sir. I have an idea, sir, that we may find Miss -Sipperley disposed to look leniently upon Mr Sipperley's misdemeanour.' - -'What makes you think that?' - -'It is just a feeling that I have, sir.' - -'Well, if you think it would be worth trying--How do we get there?' - -'The distance is about a hundred and fifty miles, sir. Our best plan -would be to hire a car.' - -'Get it at once,' I said. - -The idea of being a hundred and fifty miles away from Heloise Pringle, -not to mention Aunt Jane and Sir Roderick Glossop, sounded about as -good to me as anything I had ever heard. - - * * * * * - -The Paddock, Beckley-on-the-Moor, was about a couple of parasangs -from the village, and I set out for it next morning, after partaking -of a hearty breakfast at the local inn, practically without a tremor. -I suppose when a fellow has been through it as I had in the last two -weeks his system becomes hardened. After all, I felt, whatever this -aunt of Sippy's might be like, she wasn't Sir Roderick Glossop, so I -was that much on velvet from the start. - -The Paddock was one of those medium-sized houses with a goodish bit -of very tidy garden and a carefully rolled gravel drive curving past -a shrubbery that looked as if it had just come back from the dry -cleaner--the sort of house you take one look at and say to yourself, -'Somebody's aunt lives there.' I pushed on up the drive, and as I -turned the bend I observed in the middle distance a woman messing about -by a flower-bed with a trowel in her hand. If this wasn't the female I -was after, I was very much mistaken, so I halted, cleared the throat -and gave tongue. - -'Miss Sipperley?' - -She had had her back to me, and at the sound of my voice she executed -a sort of leap or bound, not unlike a barefoot dancer who steps on a -tin-tack half-way through the Vision of Salome. She came to earth and -goggled at me in a rather goofy manner. A large, stout female with a -reddish face. - -'Hope I didn't startle you,' I said. - -'Who are you?' - -'My name's Wooster. I'm a pal of your nephew, Oliver.' - -Her breathing had become more regular. - -'Oh?' she said. 'When I heard your voice I thought you were someone -else.' - -'No, that's who I am. I came up here to tell you about Oliver.' - -'What about him?' - -I hesitated. Now that we were approaching what you might call the nub, -or crux, of the situation, a good deal of my breezy confidence seemed -to have slipped from me. - -'Well, it's rather a painful tale, I must warn you.' - -'Oliver isn't ill? He hasn't had an accident?' - -She spoke anxiously, and I was pleased at this evidence of human -feeling. I decided to shoot the works with no more delay. - -'Oh, no, he isn't ill,' I said; 'and as regards having accidents, it -depends on what you call an accident. He's in chokey.' - -'In what?' - -'In prison.' - -'In prison!' - -'It was entirely my fault. We were strolling along on Boat-Race Night -and I advised him to pinch a policeman's helmet.' - -'I don't understand.' - -'Well, he seemed depressed, don't you know; and rightly or wrongly, -I thought it might cheer him up if he stepped across the street and -collared a policeman's helmet. He thought it a good idea, too, so he -started doing it, and the man made a fuss and Oliver sloshed him.' - -'Sloshed him?' - -'Biffed him--smote him a blow--in the stomach.' - -'My nephew Oliver hit a policeman in the stomach?' - -'Absolutely in the stomach. And next morning the beak sent him to the -bastille for thirty days without the option.' - -I was looking at her a bit anxiously all this while to see how she was -taking the thing, and at this moment her face seemed suddenly to split -in half. For an instant she appeared to be all mouth, and then she -was staggering about the grass, shouting with laughter and waving the -trowel madly. - -It seemed to me a bit of luck for her that Sir Roderick Glossop wasn't -on the spot. He would have been sitting on her head and calling for the -strait-waistcoat in the first half-minute. - -'You aren't annoyed?' I said. - -'Annoyed?' She chuckled happily. 'I've never heard such a splendid -thing in my life.' - -I was pleased and relieved. I had hoped the news wouldn't upset her too -much, but I had never expected it to go with such a roar as this. - -'I'm proud of him,' she said. - -'That's fine.' - -'If every young man in England went about hitting policemen in the -stomach, it would be a better country to live in.' - -I couldn't follow her reasoning, but everything seemed to be all right; -so after a few more cheery words I said good-bye and legged it. - - * * * * * - -'Jeeves,' I said when I got back to the inn, 'everything's fine. But I -am far from understanding why.' - -'What actually occurred when you met Miss Sipperley, sir?' - -'I told her Sippy was in the jug for assaulting the police. Upon which -she burst into hearty laughter, waved her trowel in a pleased manner -and said she was proud of him.' - -'I think I can explain her apparently eccentric behaviour, sir. I -am informed that Miss Sipperley has had a good deal of annoyance at -the hands of the local constable during the past two weeks. This has -doubtless resulted in a prejudice on her part against the force as a -whole.' - -'Really? How was that?' - -'The constable has been somewhat over-zealous in the performance of -his duties, sir. On no fewer than three occasions in the last ten days -he has served summonses upon Miss Sipperley--for exceeding the speed -limit in her car; for allowing her dog to appear in public without a -collar; and for failing to abate a smoky chimney. Being in the nature -of an autocrat, if I may use the term, in the village, Miss Sipperley -has been accustomed to do these things in the past with impunity, and -the constable's unexpected zeal has made her somewhat ill-disposed -to policemen as a class and consequently disposed to look upon such -assaults as Mr Sipperley's in a kindly and broadminded spirit.' - -I saw his point. - -'What an amazing bit of luck, Jeeves!' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Where did you hear all this?' - -'My informant was the constable himself, sir. He is my cousin.' - -I gaped at the man. I saw, so to speak, all. - -'Good Lord, Jeeves! You didn't bribe him?' - -'Oh, no, sir. But it was his birthday last week, and I gave him a -little present. I have always been fond of Egbert, sir.' - -'How much?' - -'A matter of five pounds, sir.' - -I felt in my pocket. - -'Here you are,' I said. 'And another fiver for luck.' - -'Thank you very much, sir.' - -'Jeeves,' I said, 'you move in a mysterious way your wonders to -perform. You don't mind if I sing a bit, do you?' - -'Not at all, sir,' said Jeeves. - - - - - 8--Fixing it for Freddie - - -'Jeeves,' I said, looking in on him one afternoon on my return from the -club, 'I don't want to interrupt you.' - -'No, sir?' - -'But I would like a word with you.' - -'Yes, sir?' - -He had been packing a few of the Wooster necessaries in the old kitbag -against our approaching visit to the seaside, and he now rose and stood -bursting with courteous zeal. - -'Jeeves,' I said, 'a somewhat disturbing situation has arisen with -regard to a pal of mine.' - -'Indeed, sir?' - -'You know Mr Bullivant?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Well, I slid into the Drones this morning for a bite of lunch, and -found him in a dark corner of the smoking-room looking like the last -rose of summer. Naturally I was surprised. You know what a bright lad -he is as a rule. The life and soul of every gathering he attends.' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Quite the little lump of fun, in fact.' - -'Precisely, sir.' - -'Well, I made inquiries, and he told me that he had had a quarrel with -the girl he's engaged to. You knew he was engaged to Miss Elizabeth -Vickers?' - -'Yes, sir. I recall reading the announcement in the _Morning Post_.' - -'Well, he isn't any longer. What the row was about he didn't say, but -the broad facts, Jeeves, are that she has scratched the fixture. She -won't let him come near her, refuses to talk on the phone, and sends -back his letters unopened.' - -'Extremely trying, sir.' - -'We ought to do something, Jeeves. But what?' - -'It is somewhat difficult to make a suggestion, sir.' - -'Well, what I'm going to do for a start is to take him down to Marvis -Bay with me. I know these birds who have been handed their hat by the -girl of their dreams, Jeeves. What they want is complete change of -scene.' - -'There is much in what you say, sir.' - -'Yes. Change of scene is the thing. I heard of a man. Girl refused him. -Man went abroad. Two months later girl wired him "Come back, Muriel." -Man started to write out a reply; suddenly found that he couldn't -remember girl's surname; so never answered at all, and lived happily -ever after. It may well be, Jeeves, that after Freddie Bullivant has -had a few weeks of Marvis Bay he will get completely over it.' - -'Very possibly, sir.' - -'And, if not, it is quite likely that, refreshed by sea air and good -simple food, you will get a brain-wave and think up some scheme for -bringing these two misguided blighters together again.' - -'I will do my best, sir.' - -'I knew it, Jeeves, I knew it. Don't forget to put in plenty of socks.' - -'No, sir.' - -'Also of tennis shirts not a few.' - -'Very good, sir.' - -I left him to his packing, and a couple of days later we started off -for Marvis Bay, where I had taken a cottage for July and August. - -I don't know if you know Marvis Bay? It's in Dorsetshire; and, while -not what you would call a fiercely exciting spot, has many good points. -You spend the day there bathing and sitting on the sands, and in the -evening you stroll out on the shore with the mosquitoes. At nine p.m. -you rub ointment on the wounds and go to bed. It was a simple, healthy -life, and it seemed to suit poor old Freddie absolutely. Once the moon -was up and the breeze sighing in the trees, you couldn't drag him -from that beach with ropes. He became quite a popular pet with the -mosquitoes. They would hang round waiting for him to come out, and -would give a miss to perfectly good strollers just so as to be in good -condition for him. - -It was during the day that I found Freddie, poor old chap, a trifle -heavy as a guest. I suppose you can't blame a bloke whose heart is -broken, but it required a good deal of fortitude to bear up against -this gloom-crushed exhibit during the early days of our little holiday. -When he wasn't chewing a pipe and scowling at the carpet, he was -sitting at the piano, playing 'The Rosary' with one finger. He couldn't -play anything except 'The Rosary', and he couldn't play much of that. -However firmly and confidently he started off, somewhere around the -third bar a fuse would blow out and he would have to start all over -again. - -He was playing it as usual one morning when I came in from bathing: and -it seemed to me that he was extracting more hideous melancholy from it -even than usual. Nor had my sense deceived me. - -'Bertie,' he said in a hollow voice, skidding on the fourth crotchet -from the left as you enter the second bar and producing a distressing -sound like the death-rattle of a sand-eel, 'I've seen her!' - -'Seen her?' I said. 'What, Elizabeth Vickers? How do you mean, you've -seen her? She isn't down here.' - -'Yes, she is. I suppose she's staying with relations or something. I -was down at the post office, seeing if there were any letters, and we -met in the doorway.' - -'What happened?' - -'She cut me dead.' - -He started 'The Rosary' again, and stubbed his finger on a semi-quaver. - -'Bertie,' he said, 'you ought never to have brought me here. I must go -away.' - -'Go away? Don't talk such rot. This is the best thing that could have -happened. It's a most amazing bit of luck, her being down here. This is -where you come out strong.' - -'She cut me.' - -'Never mind. Be a sportsman. Have another dash at her.' - -'She looked clean through me.' - -'Well, don't mind that. Stick at it. Now, having got her down here, -what you want,' I said, 'is to place her under some obligation to you. -What you want is to get her timidly thanking you. What you want--' - -'What's she going to thank me timidly for?' - -I thought for a while. Undoubtedly he had put his finger on the nub of -the problem. For some moments I was at a loss, not to say nonplussed. -Then I saw the way. - -'What you want,' I said, 'is to look out for a chance and save her from -drowning.' - -'I can't swim.' - -That was Freddie Bullivant all over. A dear old chap in a thousand -ways, but no help to a fellow, if you know what I mean. - -He cranked up the piano once more, and I legged it for the open. - -I strolled out on the beach and began to think this thing over. I would -have liked to consult Jeeves, of course, but Jeeves had disappeared for -the morning. There was no doubt that it was hopeless expecting Freddie -to do anything for himself in this crisis. I'm not saying that dear old -Freddie hasn't got his strong qualities. He is good at polo, and I have -heard him spoken of as a coming man at snooker-pool. But apart from -this you couldn't call him a man of enterprise. - -Well, I was rounding some rocks, thinking pretty tensely, when I caught -sight of a blue dress, and there was the girl in person. I had never -met her, but Freddie had sixteen photographs of her sprinkled round -his bedroom, and I knew I couldn't be mistaken. She was sitting on the -sand, helping a small, fat child to build a castle. On a chair close -by was an elderly female reading a novel. I heard the girl call her -'aunt'. So, getting the reasoning faculties to work, I deduced that the -fat child must be her cousin. It struck me that if Freddie had been -there he would probably have tried to work up some sentiment about the -kid on the strength of it. I couldn't manage this. I don't think I ever -saw a kid who made me feel less sentimental. He was one of those round, -bulging kids. - -After he had finished his castle he seemed to get bored with life and -began to cry. The girl, who seemed to read him like a book, took him -off to where a fellow was selling sweets at a stall. And I walked on. - -Now, those who know me, if you ask them, will tell you that I'm a -chump. My Aunt Agatha would testify to this effect. So would my -Uncle Percy and many more of my nearest and--if you like to use the -expression--dearest. Well, I don't mind. I admit it. I _am_ a chump. -But what I do say--and I should like to lay the greatest possible -stress on this--is that every now and then, just when the populace has -given up hope that I will ever show any real human intelligence--I -get what it is idle to pretend is not an inspiration. And that's what -happened now. I doubt if the idea that came to me at this juncture -would have occurred to a single one of any dozen of the largest-brained -blokes in history. Napoleon might have got it, but I'll bet Darwin and -Shakespeare and Thomas Hardy wouldn't have thought of it in a thousand -years. - -It came to me on my return journey. I was walking back along the -shore, exercising the old bean fiercely, when I saw the fat child -meditatively smacking a jelly-fish with a spade. The girl wasn't with -him. The aunt wasn't with him. In fact, there wasn't anybody else in -sight. And the solution of the whole trouble between Freddie and his -Elizabeth suddenly came to me in a flash. - -From what I had seen of the two, the girl was evidently fond of this -kid: and, anyhow, he was her cousin, so what I said to myself was this: -If I kidnap this young heavyweight for a brief space of time: and if, -when the girl has got frightfully anxious about where he can have got -to, dear old Freddie suddenly appears leading the infant by the hand -and telling a story to the effect that he found him wandering at large -about the country and practically saved his life, the girl's gratitude -is bound to make her chuck hostilities and be friends again. - -So I gathered up the kid and made off with him. - -Freddie, dear old chap, was rather slow at first in getting on to the -fine points of the idea. When I appeared at the cottage, carrying -the child, and dumped him down in the sitting-room, he showed no joy -whatever. The child had started to bellow by this time, not thinking -much of the thing, and Freddie seemed to find it rather trying. - -'What the devil's all this?' he asked, regarding the little visitor -with a good deal of loathing. - -The kid loosed off a yell that made the windows rattle, and I saw that -this was a time for strategy. I raced to the kitchen and fetched a pot -of honey. It was the right idea. The kid stopped bellowing and began to -smear his face with the stuff. - -'Well?' said Freddie, when silence had set in. - -I explained the scheme. After a while it began to strike him. The -careworn look faded from his face, and for the first time since his -arrival at Marvis Bay he smiled almost happily. - -'There's something in this, Bertie.' - -'It's the goods.' - -'I think it will work,' said Freddie. - -And, disentangling the child from the honey, he led him out. - -'I expect Elizabeth will be on the beach somewhere,' he said. - -What you might call a quiet happiness suffused me, if that's the word I -want. I was very fond of old Freddie, and it was jolly to think that he -was shortly about to click once more. I was leaning back in a chair on -the veranda, smoking a peaceful cigarette, when down the road I saw the -old boy returning, and, by George, the kid was still with him. - -'Hallo!' I said. 'Couldn't you find her?' - -I then perceived that Freddie was looking as if he had been kicked in -the stomach. - -'Yes, I found her,' he replied, with one of those bitter, mirthless -laughs you read about. - -'Well, then--?' - -He sank into a chair and groaned. - -'This isn't her cousin, you idiot,' he said. 'He's no relation at -all--just a kid she met on the beach. She had never seen him before in -her life.' - -'But she was helping him build a sand-castle.' - -'I don't care. He's a perfect stranger.' - -It seemed to me that, if the modern girl goes about building -sand-castles with kids she has only known for five minutes and probably -without a proper introduction at that, then all that has been written -about her is perfectly true. Brazen is the word that seems to meet the -case. - -I said as much to Freddie, but he wasn't listening. - -'Well, who is this ghastly child, then?' I said. - -'I don't know. O Lord, I've had a time! Thank goodness you will -probably spend the next few years of your life in Dartmoor for -kidnapping. That's my only consolation. I'll come and jeer at you -through the bars on visiting days.' - -'Tell me all, old man,' I said. - -He told me all. It took him a good long time to do it, for he broke -off in the middle of nearly every sentence to call me names, but I -gradually gathered what had happened. The girl Elizabeth had listened -like an iceberg while he worked off the story he had prepared, and -then--well, she didn't actually call him a liar in so many words, but -she gave him to understand in a general sort of way that he was a worm -and an outcast. And then he crawled off with the kid, licked to a -splinter. - -'And mind,' he concluded, 'this is your affair. I'm not mixed up in it -at all. If you want to escape your sentence--or anyway get a portion of -it remitted--you'd better go and find the child's parents and return -him before the police come for you.' - -'Who are his parents?' - -'I don't know.' - -'Where do they live?' - -'I don't know.' - -The kid didn't seem to know, either. A thoroughly vapid and uninformed -infant. I got out of him the fact that he had a father, but that was as -far as he went. It didn't seem ever to have occurred to him, chatting -of an evening with the old man, to ask him his name and address. So, -after a wasted ten minutes, out we went into the great world, more or -less what you might call at random. - -I give you my word that, until I started to tramp the place with this -child, I never had a notion that it was such a difficult job restoring -a son to his parents. How kidnappers ever get caught is a mystery to -me. I searched Marvis Bay like a bloodhound, but nobody came forward -to claim the infant. You would have thought, from the lack of interest -in him, that he was stopping there all by himself in a cottage of -his own. It wasn't till, by another inspiration, I thought to ask -the sweet-stall man that I got on the track. The sweet-stall man, -who seemed to have seen a lot of him, said that the child's name was -Kegworthy, and that his parents lived at a place called Ocean Rest. - -It then remained to find Ocean Rest. And eventually, after visiting -Ocean View, Ocean Prospect, Ocean Breeze, Ocean Cottage, Ocean -Bungalow, Ocean Nook and Ocean Homestead, I trailed it down. - -I knocked at the door. Nobody answered. I knocked again. I could hear -movements inside, but nobody appeared. I was just going to get to work -with that knocker in such a way that it would filter through these -people's heads that I wasn't standing there just for the fun of the -thing, when a voice from somewhere above shouted 'Hi!' - -I looked up and saw a round, pink face, with grey whiskers east and -west of it, staring down at me from an upper window. - -'Hi!' it shouted again. 'You can't come in.' - -'I don't want to come in.' - -'Because--Oh, is that Tootles?' - -'My name is not Tootles. Are you Mr Kegworthy? I've brought back your -son.' - -'I see him. Peep-bo, Tootles, Dadda can see 'oo.' - -The face disappeared with a jerk. I could hear voices. The face -reappeared. - -'Hi!' - -I churned the gravel madly. This blighter was giving me the pip. - -'Do you live here?' asked the face. - -'I have taken a cottage here for a few weeks.' - -'What's your name?' - -'Wooster.' - -'Fancy that! Do you spell it W-o-r-c-e-s-t-e-r or W-o-o-s-t-e-r?' - -'W-o-o--' - -'I ask because I once knew a Miss Wooster, spelled W-o--' - -I had had about enough of this spelling-bee. - -'Will you open the door and take this child in?' - -'I mustn't open the door. This Miss Wooster that I knew married a man -named Spenser. Was she any relation?' - -'She is my Aunt Agatha,' I replied, and I spoke with a good deal of -bitterness, trying to suggest by my manner that he was exactly the sort -of man, in my opinion, who would know my Aunt Agatha. - -He beamed down at me. - -'This is most fortunate. We were wondering what to do with Tootles. -You see, we have mumps here. My daughter Bootles has just developed -mumps. Tootles must not be exposed to the risk of infection. We could -not think what to do with him. It was most fortunate, your finding the -dear child. He strayed from his nurse. I would hesitate to trust him to -a stranger, but you are different. Any nephew of Mrs Spenser's has my -complete confidence. You must take Tootles into your house. It will be -an ideal arrangement. I have written to my brother in London to come -and fetch him. He may be here in a few days.' - -'May!' - -'He is a busy man, of course; but he should certainly be here within -a week. Till then Tootles can stop with you. It is an excellent plan. -Very much obliged to you. Your wife will like Tootles.' - -'I haven't got a wife!' I yelled; but the window had closed with a -bang, as if the man with the whiskers had found a germ trying to escape -and had headed it off just in time. - -I breathed a deep breath and wiped the old forehead. - -The window flew up again. - -'Hi!' - -A package weighing about a ton hit me on the head and burst like a bomb. - -'Did you catch it?' said the face, reappearing. 'Dear me, you missed -it. Never mind. You can get it at the grocer's. Ask for Bailey's -Granulated Breakfast Chips. Tootles takes them for breakfast with a -little milk. Not cream. Milk. Be sure to get Bailey's.' - -'Yes, but--' - -The face disappeared, and the window was banged down again. I lingered -a while, but nothing else happened, so, taking Tootles by the hand, I -walked slowly away. - -And as we turned up the road we met Freddie's Elizabeth. - -'Well, baby?' she said, sighting the kid. 'So daddy found you again, -did he? Your little son and I made great friends on the beach this -morning,' she said to me. - -This was the limit. Coming on top of that interview with the whiskered -lunatic, it so utterly unnerved me that she had nodded good-bye and was -half-way down the road before I caught up with my breath enough to deny -the charge of being the infant's father. - - * * * * * - -I hadn't expected Freddie to sing with joy when he saw me looming up -with child complete, but I did think he might have showed a little more -manly fortitude, a little more of the old British bulldog spirit. He -leaped up when we came in, glared at the kid and clutched his head. He -didn't speak for a long time; but, to make up for it, when he began he -did not leave off for a long time. - -'Well,' he said, when he had finished the body of his remarks, 'say -something! Heavens, man, why don't you say something?' - -'If you'll give me a chance, I will,' I said, and shot the bad news. - -'What are you going to do about it?' he asked. And it would be idle to -deny that his manner was peevish. - -'What can we do about it?' - -'We? What do you mean, we? I'm not going to spend my time taking turns -as a nursemaid to this excrescence. I'm going back to London.' - -'Freddie!' I cried. 'Freddie, old man!' My voice shook. 'Would you -desert a pal at a time like this?' - -'Yes, I would.' - -'Freddie,' I said, 'you've got to stand by me. You must. Do you realize -that this child has to be undressed, and bathed, and dressed again? You -wouldn't leave me to do all that single-handed?' - -'Jeeves can help you.' - -'No, sir,' said Jeeves, who had just rolled in with lunch; 'I must, -I fear, disassociate myself completely from the matter.' He spoke -respectfully but firmly. 'I have had little or no experience with -children.' - -'Now's the time to start,' I urged. - -'No, sir,--I am sorry to say that I cannot involve myself in any way.' - -'Then you must stand by me, Freddie.' - -'I won't.' - -'You must. Reflect, old man! We have been pals for years. Your mother -likes me.' - -'No, she doesn't.' - -'Well, anyway, we were at school together and you owe me a tenner.' - -'Oh, well,' he said in a resigned sort of voice. - -'Besides, old thing,' I said, 'I did it all for your sake, you know.' - -He looked at me in a curious way, and breathed rather hard for some -moments. - -'Bertie,' he said, 'one moment. I will stand a good deal, but I will -not stand being expected to be grateful.' - - * * * * * - -Looking back at it, I can see that what saved me from Colney Hatch in -this crisis was my bright idea in buying up most of the contents of -the local sweet-shop. By serving out sweets to the kid practically -incessantly we managed to get through the rest of that day pretty -satisfactorily. At eight o'clock he fell asleep in a chair; and, having -undressed him by unbuttoning every button in sight and, where there -were no buttons, pulling till something gave, we carried him up to bed. - -Freddie stood looking at the pile of clothes on the floor with a sort -of careworn wrinkle between his eyes, and I knew what he was thinking. -To get the kid undressed had been simple--a mere matter of muscle. -But how were we to get him into his clothes again? I stirred the heap -with my foot. There was a long linen arrangement which might have been -anything. Also a strip of pink flannel which was like nothing on earth. -All most unpleasant. - -But in the morning I remembered that there were children in the next -bungalow but one, and I went there before breakfast and borrowed their -nurse. Women are wonderful, by Jove they are! This nurse had all the -spare parts assembled and in the right places in about eight minutes, -and there was the kid dressed and looking fit to go to a garden party -at Buckingham Palace. I showered wealth upon her, and she promised to -come in morning and evening. I sat down to breakfast almost cheerful -again. It was the first bit of silver lining that had presented itself -to date. - -'And, after all,' I said, 'there's lots to be argued in favour of -having a child about the place, if you know what I mean. Kind of cosy -and domestic, what?' - -Just then the kid upset the milk over Freddie's trousers, and when he -had come back after changing he lacked sparkle. - -It was shortly after breakfast that Jeeves asked if he could have a -word in my ear. - - * * * * * - -Now, though in the anguish of recent events I had rather tended to -forget what had been the original idea in bringing Freddie down to -this place, I hadn't forgotten it altogether; and I'm bound to say -that, as the days went by, I had found myself a little disappointed -in Jeeves. The scheme had been, if you recall, that he should refresh -himself with sea air and simple food and, having thus got his brain -into prime working order, evolve some means of bringing Freddie and his -Elizabeth together again. - -And what had happened? The man had eaten well and he had slept well, -but not a step did he appear to have taken towards bringing about the -happy ending. The only move that had been made in that direction had -been made by me, alone and unaided; and, though I freely admit that it -had turned out a good deal of a bloomer, still the fact remains that I -had shown zeal and enterprise. Consequently I received him with a bit -of hauteur when he blew in. Slightly cold. A trifle frosty. - -'Yes, Jeeves?' I said. 'You wished to speak to me?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Say on, Jeeves,' I said. - -'Thank you, sir. What I desired to say, sir, was this: I attended a -performance at the local cinema last night.' - -I raised the eyebrows. I was surprised at the man. With life in the -home so frightfully tense and the young master up against it to such a -fearful extent, I disapproved of him coming toddling in and prattling -about his amusements. - -'I hope you enjoyed yourself,' I said in rather a nasty manner. - -'Yes, sir, thank you. The management was presenting a super-super-film -in seven reels, dealing with life in the wilder and more feverish -strata of New York Society, featuring Bertha Blevitch, Orlando Murphy -and Baby Bobbie. I found it most entertaining, sir.' - -'That's good,' I said. 'And if you have a nice time this morning on the -sands with your spade and bucket, you will come and tell me all about -it, won't you? I have so little on my mind just now that it's a treat -to hear all about your happy holiday.' - -Satirical, if you see what I mean. Sarcastic. Almost bitter, as a -matter of fact, if you come right down to it. - -'The title of the film was _Tiny Hands_, sir. And the father and mother -of the character played by Baby Bobbie had unfortunately drifted -apart--' - -'Too bad,' I said. - -'Although at heart they loved each other still, sir.' - -'Did they really? I'm glad you told me that.' - -'And so matters went on, sir, till came a day when--' - -'Jeeves,' I said, fixing him with a dashed unpleasant eye, 'what the -dickens do you think you're talking about? Do you suppose that, with -this infernal child landed on me and the peace of the home practically -shattered into a million bits, I want to hear--' - -'I beg your pardon, sir. I would not have mentioned this cinema -performance were it not for the fact that it gave me an idea, sir.' - -'An idea!' - -'An idea that will, I fancy, sir, prove of value in straightening out -the matrimonial future of Mr Bullivant. To which end, if you recollect, -sir, you desired me to--' - -I snorted with remorse. - -'Jeeves,' I said, 'I wronged you.' - -'Not at all, sir.' - -'Yes, I did. I wronged you. I had a notion that you had given yourself -up entirely to the pleasures of the seaside and had chucked that -business altogether. I might have known better. Tell me all, Jeeves.' - -He bowed in a gratified manner. I beamed. And, while we didn't actually -fall on each other's necks, we gave each other to understand that all -was well once more. - -'In this super-super-film _Tiny Hands_, sir,' said Jeeves, 'the parents -of the child had, as I say, drifted apart.' - -'Drifted apart,' I said, nodding. 'Right! And then?' - -'Came a day, sir, when their little child brought them together again.' - -'How?' - -'If I remember rightly, sir, he said, "Dadda, doesn't 'oo love mummie -no more?"' - -'And then?' - -'They exhibited a good deal of emotion. There was what I believe is -termed a cut-back, showing scenes from their courtship and early -married life and some glimpses of Lovers Through the Ages, and the -picture concluded with a close-up of the pair in an embrace, with -the child looking on with natural gratification and an organ playing -"Hearts and Flowers" in the distance.' - -'Proceed, Jeeves,' I said. 'You interest me strangely. I begin to grasp -the idea. You mean--?' - -'I mean, sir, that, with this young gentleman on the premises, it might -be possible to arrange a _dénouement_ of a somewhat similar nature in -regard to Mr Bullivant and Miss Vickers.' - -'Aren't you overlooking the fact that this kid is no relation of Mr -Bullivant or Miss Vickers?' - -'Even with that handicap, sir, I fancy that good results might ensue. I -think that, if it were possible to bring Mr Bullivant and Miss Vickers -together for a short space of time in the presence of the child, sir, -and if the child were to say something of a touching nature--' - -'I follow you absolutely, Jeeves,' I cried with enthusiasm. 'It's big. -This is the way I see it. We lay the scene in this room. Child, centre. -Girl, l.c. Freddie up stage, playing the piano. No, that won't do. -He can only play a little of "The Rosary" with one finger, so we'll -have to cut out the soft music. But the rest's all right. Look here,' -I said. 'This inkpot is Miss Vickers. This mug with "A Present from -Marvis Bay" on it is the child. This penwiper is Mr Bullivant. Start -with dialogue leading up to child's line. Child speaks line, let us -say, "Boofer lady, does 'oo love dadda?" Business of outstretched -hands. Hold picture for a moment. Freddie crosses l. takes girl's hand. -Business of swallowing lump in throat. Then big speech: "Ah, Elizabeth, -has not this misunderstanding of ours gone on too long? See! A little -child rebukes us!" And so on. I'm just giving you the general outline. -Freddie must work up his own part. And we must get a good line for the -child. "Boofer lady, does 'oo love dadda?" isn't definite enough. We -want something more--' - -'If I might make the suggestion, sir--?' - -'Yes?' - -'I would advocate the words "Kiss Freddie!" It is short, readily -memorized, and has what I believe is technically termed the punch.' - -'Genius, Jeeves!' - -'Thank you very much, sir.' - -'"Kiss Freddie!" it is, then. But, I say, Jeeves, how the deuce are -we to get them together in here? Miss Vickers cuts Mr Bullivant. She -wouldn't come within a mile of him.' - -'It is awkward, sir.' - -'It doesn't matter. We shall have to make it an exterior set instead -of an interior. We can easily corner her on the beach somewhere, when -we're ready. Meanwhile, we must get the kid word-perfect.' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Right! First rehearsal for lines and business at eleven sharp tomorrow -morning.' - - * * * * * - -Poor old Freddie was in such a gloomy frame of mind that I decided -not to tell him the idea till we had finished coaching the child. He -wasn't in the mood to have a thing like that hanging over him. So we -concentrated on Tootles. And pretty early in the proceedings we saw -that the only way to get Tootles worked up to the spirit of the thing -was to introduce sweets of some sort as a sub-motive, so to speak. - -'The chief difficulty, sir,' said Jeeves, at the end of the first -rehearsal, 'is, as I envisage it, to establish in the young gentleman's -mind a connexion between the words we desire him to say and the -refreshment.' - -'Exactly,' I said. 'Once the blighter has grasped the basic fact that -these two words, clearly spoken, result automatically in chocolate -nougat, we have got a success.' - -I've often thought how interesting it must be to be one of those -animal-trainer blokes--to stimulate the dawning intelligence and all -that. Well, this was every bit as exciting. Some days success seemed to -be staring us in the eyeball, and the kid got out the line as if he had -been an old professional. And then he would go all to pieces again. And -time was flying. - -'We must hurry up, Jeeves,' I said. 'The kid's uncle may arrive any day -now and take him away.' - -'Exactly, sir.' - -'And we have no understudy.' - -'Very true, sir.' - -'We must work! I must say this child is a bit discouraging at times. I -should have thought a deaf-mute would have learned his part by now.' - -I will say this for the kid, though: he was a trier. Failure didn't -damp him. Whenever there was any kind of sweet in sight he had a dash -at his line, and kept saying something till he had got what he was -after. His chief fault was his uncertainty. Personally, I would have -been prepared to risk opening in the act and was ready to start the -public performance at the first opportunity, but Jeeves said no. - -'I would not advocate undue haste, sir,' he said. 'As long as the young -gentleman's memory refuses to act with any certainty, we are running -grave risks of failure. Today, if you recollect, sir, he said "Kick -Freddie!" That is not a speech to win a young lady's heart, sir.' - -'No. And she might do it, too. You're right. We must postpone -production.' - -But, by Jove, we didn't! The curtain went up the very next afternoon. - - * * * * * - -It was nobody's fault--certainly not mine. It was just fate. Jeeves was -out, and I was alone in the house with Freddie and the child. Freddie -had just settled down at the piano, and I was leading the kid out of -the place for a bit of exercise, when, just as we'd got on to the -veranda, along came the girl Elizabeth on her way to the beach. And at -the sight of her the kid set up a matey yell, and she stopped at the -foot of the steps. - -'Hallo, baby,' she said. 'Good morning,' she said to me. 'May I come -up?' - -She didn't wait for an answer. She just hopped on to the veranda. She -seemed to be that sort of girl. She started fussing over the child. And -six feet away, mind you, Freddie smiting the piano in the sitting-room. -It was a dashed disturbing situation, take it from Bertram. At any -minute Freddie might take it into his head to come out on the veranda, -and I hadn't even begun to rehearse him in his part. - -I tried to break up the scene. - -'We were just going down to the beach,' I said. - -'Yes?' said the girl. She listened for a moment. 'So you're having your -piano tuned?' she said. 'My aunt has been trying to find a tuner for -ours. Do you mind if I go in and tell this man to come on to us when he -has finished here?' - -I mopped the brow. - -'Er--I shouldn't go in just now,' I said. 'Not just now, while he's -working, if you don't mind. These fellows can't bear to be disturbed -when they're at work. It's the artistic temperament. I'll tell him -later.' - -'Very well. Ask him to call at Pine Bungalow. Vickers is the name.... -Oh, he seems to have stopped. I suppose he will be out in a minute now. -I'll wait.' - -'Don't you think--shouldn't you be getting on to the beach?' I said. - -She had started talking to the kid and didn't hear. She was feeling in -her bag for something. - -'The beach,' I babbled. - -'See what I've got for you, baby,' said the girl. 'I thought I might -meet you somewhere, so I bought some of your favourite sweets.' - -And, by Jove, she held up in front of the kid's bulging eyes, a chunk -of toffee about the size of the Albert Memorial! - -That finished it. We had just been having a long rehearsal, and the kid -was all worked up in his part. He got it right first time. - -'Kiss Fweddie!' he shouted. - -And the French windows opened and Freddie came out on to the veranda, -for all the world as if he had been taking a cue. - -'Kiss Fweddie!' shrieked the child. - -Freddie looked at the girl, and the girl looked at him. I looked at the -ground, and the kid looked at the toffee. - -'Kiss Fweddie!' he yelled. 'Kiss Fweddie!' - -'What does this mean?' said the girl, turning on me. - -'You'd better give it him,' I said. 'He'll go on till you do, you know.' - -She gave the kid the toffee and he subsided. Freddie, poor ass, still -stood there gaping, without a word. - -'What does it mean?' said the girl again. Her face was pink, and her -eyes were sparkling in the sort of way, don't you know, that makes a -fellow feel as if he hadn't any bones in him, if you know what I mean. -Yes, Bertram felt filleted. Did you ever tread on your partner's dress -at a dance--I'm speaking now of the days when women wore dresses long -enough to be trodden on--and hear it rip and see her smile at you like -an angel and say, '_Please_ don't apologize. It's nothing,' and then -suddenly meet her clear blue eyes and feel as if you had stepped on the -teeth of a rake and had the handle jump up and hit you in the face? -Well, that's how Freddie's Elizabeth looked. - -'_Well!_' she said, and her teeth gave a little click. - -I gulped. Then I said it was nothing. Then I said it was nothing much. -Then I said, 'Oh, well, it was this way.' And I told her all about it. -And all the while Idiot Freddie stood there gaping, without a word. Not -one solitary yip had he let out of himself from the start. - -And the girl didn't speak, either. She just stood listening. - -And then she began to laugh. I never heard a girl laugh so much. She -leaned against the side of the veranda and shrieked. And all the while -Freddie, the World's Champion Dumb Brick, standing there, saying -nothing. - -Well, I finished my story and sidled to the steps. I had said all I -had to say, and it seemed to me that about here the stage-direction -'exit cautiously' was written in my part. I gave poor old Freddie up in -despair. If only he had said a word it might have been all right. But -there he stood speechless. - -Just out of sight of the house I met Jeeves, returning from his stroll. - -'Jeeves,' I said, 'all is over. The thing's finished. Poor dear old -Freddie has made a complete ass of himself and killed the whole show.' - -'Indeed, sir? What has actually happened?' - -I told him. - -'He fluffed in his lines,' I concluded. 'Just stood there saying -nothing, when if ever there was a time for eloquence, this was it. -He ... Great Scott! Look!' - -We had come back within view of the cottage, and there in front of it -stood six children, a nurse, two loafers, another nurse, and the fellow -from the grocer's. They were all staring. Down the road came galloping -five more children, a dog, three men and a boy, all about to stare. -And on our porch, as unconscious of the spectators as if they had been -alone in the Sahara, stood Freddie and his Elizabeth, clasped in each -other's arms. - -'Great Scott!' I said. - -'It would appear, sir,' said Jeeves, 'that everything has concluded -most satisfactorily, after all.' - -'Yes. Dear old Freddie may have been fluffy in his lines,' I said, 'but -his business certainly seems to have gone with a bang.' - -'Very true, sir,' said Jeeves. - - - - - 9--Clustering Round Young Bingo - - -I blotted the last page of my manuscript and sank back, feeling more or -less of a spent force. After incredible sweat of the old brow the thing -seemed to be in pretty fair shape, and I was just reading it through -and debating whether to bung in another paragraph at the end, when -there was a tap at the door and Jeeves appeared. - -'Mrs Travers, sir, on the telephone.' - -'Oh?' I said. Preoccupied, don't you know. - -'Yes, sir. She presents her compliments and would be glad to know what -progress you have made with the article which you are writing for her.' - -'Jeeves, can I mention men's knee-length underclothing in a woman's -paper?' - -'No, sir.' - -'Then tell her it's finished.' - -'Very good, sir.' - -'And, Jeeves, when you're through, come back. I want you to cast your -eye over this effort and give it the OK.' - -My Aunt Dahlia, who runs a woman's paper called _Milady's Boudoir_, had -recently backed me into a corner and made me promise to write her a -few authoritative words for her 'Husbands and Brothers' page on 'What -the Well-Dressed Man is Wearing'. I believe in encouraging aunts, when -deserving; and, as there are many worse eggs than her knocking about -the metrop, I had consented blithely. But I give you my honest word -that if I had had the foggiest notion of what I was letting myself in -for, not even a nephew's devotion would have kept me from giving her -the raspberry. A deuce of a job it had been, taxing the physique to -the utmost. I don't wonder now that all these author blokes have bald -heads and faces like birds who have suffered. - -'Jeeves,' I said, when he came back, 'you don't read a paper called -_Milady's Boudoir_ by any chance, do you?' - -'No, sir. The periodical has not come to my notice.' - -'Well, spring sixpence on it next week, because this article will -appear in it. Wooster on the well-dressed man, don't you know.' - -'Indeed, sir?' - -'Yes, indeed, Jeeves. I've rather extended myself over this little -bijou. There's a bit about socks that I think you will like.' - -He took the manuscript, brooded over it, and smiled a gentle, approving -smile. - -'The sock passage is quite in the proper vein, sir,' he said. - -'Well expressed, what?' - -'Extremely, sir.' - -I watched him narrowly as he read on, and, as I was expecting, what -you might call the love-light suddenly died out of his eyes. I braced -myself for an unpleasant scene. - -'Come to the bit about soft silk shirts for evening wear?' I asked -carelessly. - -'Yes, sir,' said Jeeves, in a low, cold voice, as if he had been bitten -in the leg by a personal friend. 'And if I may be pardoned for saying -so--' - -'You don't like it?' - -'No, sir. I do not. Soft silk shirts with evening costume are not worn, -sir.' - -'Jeeves,' I said, looking the blighter diametrically in the centre of -the eyeball, 'they're dashed well going to be. I may as well tell you -now that I have ordered a dozen of those shirtings from Peabody and -Simms, and it's no good looking like that, because I am jolly well -adamant.' - -'If I might--' - -'No, Jeeves,' I said, raising my hand, 'argument is useless. Nobody has -a greater respect than I have for your judgement in socks, in ties, -and--I will go farther--in spats; but when it comes to evening shirts -your nerve seems to fail you. You have no vision. You are prejudiced -and reactionary. Hidebound is the word that suggests itself. It may -interest you to learn that when I was at Le Touquet the Prince of Wales -buzzed into the Casino one night with soft silk shirt complete.' - -'His Royal Highness, sir, may permit himself a certain licence which in -your own case--' - -'No, Jeeves,' I said firmly, 'it's no use. When we Woosters are -adamant, we are--well, adamant, if you know what I mean.' - -'Very good, sir.' - -I could see the man was wounded, and, of course, the whole episode had -been extremely jarring and unpleasant; but these things have to be gone -through. Is one a serf or isn't one? That's what it all boils down to. -Having made my point, I changed the subject. - -'Well, that's that,' I said. 'We now approach another topic. Do you -know any housemaids, Jeeves?' - -'Housemaids, sir?' - -'Come, come, Jeeves, you know what housemaids are.' - -'Are you requiring a housemaid, sir?' - -'No, but Mr Little is. I met him at the club a couple of days ago, and -he told me that Mrs Little is offering rich rewards to anybody who will -find her one guaranteed to go light on the china.' - -'Indeed, sir?' - -'Yes. The one now in office apparently runs through the _objets d'art_ -like a typhoon, simoom, or sirocco. So if you know any--' - -'I know a great many, sir. Some intimately, others mere acquaintances.' - -'Well, start digging round among the old pals. And now the hat, the -stick, and other necessaries. I must be getting along and handing in -this article.' - - * * * * * - -The offices of _Milady's Boudoir_ were in one of those rummy streets in -the Covent Garden neighbourhood; and I had just got to the door, after -wading through a deep top-dressing of old cabbages and tomatoes, when -who should come out but Mrs Little. She greeted me with the warmth due -to the old family friend, in spite of the fact that I hadn't been round -to the house for a goodish while. - -'Whatever are you doing in these parts, Bertie? I thought you never -came east of Leicester Square.' - -'I've come to deliver an article of sorts which my Aunt Dahlia asked -me to write. She edits a species of journal up those stairs. _Milady's -Boudoir_.' - -'What a coincidence! I have just promised to write an article for her, -too.' - -'Don't you do it,' I said earnestly. 'You've simply no notion what a -ghastly labour--Oh, but, of course, I was forgetting. You're used to -it, what?' - -Silly of me to have talked like that. Young Bingo Little, if you -remember, had married the famous female novelist, Rosie M. Banks, -author of some of the most pronounced and widely read tripe ever put on -the market. Naturally a mere article would be pie for her. - -'No, I don't think it will give me much trouble,' she said. 'Your aunt -has suggested a most delightful subject.' - -'That's good. By the way, I spoke to my man Jeeves about getting you a -housemaid. He knows all the hummers.' - -'Thank you so much. Oh, are you doing anything tomorrow night?' - -'Not a thing.' - -'Then do come and dine with us. Your aunt is coming, and hopes to bring -your uncle. I am looking forward to meeting him.' - -'Thanks. Delighted.' - -I mean it, too. The Little household may be weak on housemaids, but it -is right there when it comes to cooks. Somewhere or other some time ago -Bingo's missus managed to dig up a Frenchman of the most extraordinary -vim and skill. A most amazing Johnnie who dishes a wicked _ragout_. -Old Bingo has put on at least ten pounds in weight since this fellow -Anatole arrived in the home. - -'At eight, then.' - -'Right. Thanks ever so much.' - -She popped off, and I went upstairs to hand in my copy, as we boys of -the Press call it. I found Aunt Dahlia immersed to the gills in papers -of all descriptions. - -I am not much of a lad for my relatives as a general thing, but -I've always been very pally with Aunt Dahlia. She married my Uncle -Thomas--between ourselves a bit of a squirt--the year Bluebottle won -the Cambridgeshire; and they hadn't got half way down the aisle before -I was saying to myself, 'That woman is much too good for the old bird.' -Aunt Dahlia is a large, genial soul, the sort you see in dozens on the -hunting field. As a matter of fact, until she married Uncle Thomas, she -put in most of her time on horseback; but he won't live in the country, -so nowadays she expends her energy on this paper of hers. - -She came to the surface as I entered, and flung a cheery look at my -head. - -'Hullo, Bertie! I say, have you really finished that article?' - -'To the last comma.' - -'Good boy! My gosh, I'll bet it's rotten.' - -'On the contrary, it is extremely hot stuff, and most of it approved by -Jeeves, what's more. The bit about soft silk shirts got in amongst him -a trifle; but you can take it from me, Aunt Dahlia, that they are the -latest yodel and will be much seen at first nights and other occasions -where Society assembles.' - -'Your man Jeeves,' said Aunt Dahlia, flinging the article into a basket -and skewering a few loose pieces of paper on a sort of meat hook, 'is a -washout, and you can tell him I said so.' - -'Oh, come,' I said. 'He may not be sound on shirtings--' - -'I'm not referring to that. As long as a week ago I asked him to get me -a cook, and he hasn't found one yet.' - -'Great Scott! Is Jeeves a domestic employment agency? Mrs Little wants -him to find her a housemaid. I met her outside. She tells me she's -doing something for you.' - -'Yes, thank goodness. I'm relying on it to bump the circulation up a -bit. I can't read her stuff myself, but women love it. Her name on the -cover will mean a lot. And we need it.' - -'Paper not doing well?' - -'It's doing all right really, but it's got to be a slow job building up -a circulation.' - -'I suppose so.' - -'I can get Tom to see that in his lucid moments,' said Aunt Dahlia, -skewering a few more papers. 'But just at present the poor fathead has -got one of his pessimistic spells. It's entirely due to that mechanic -who calls herself a cook. A few more of her alleged dinners, and Tom -will refuse to go on paying the printers' bills.' - -'You don't mean that!' - -'I do mean it. There was what she called a _ris de veau à la -financière_ last night which made him talk for three-quarters of an -hour about good money going to waste and nothing to show for it.' - -I quite understood, and I was dashed sorry for her. My Uncle Thomas -is a cove who made a colossal pile of money out in the East, but in -doing so put his digestion on the blink. This has made him a tricky -proposition to handle. Many a time I've lunched with him and found him -perfectly chirpy up to the fish, only to have him turn blue on me well -before the cheese. - -Who was that lad they used to try to make me read at Oxford? -Ship--Shop--Schopenhauer. That's the name. A grouch of the most -pronounced description. Well, Uncle Thomas, when his gastric juices -have been giving him the elbow, can make Schopenhauer look like -Pollyanna. And the worst of it is, from Aunt Dahlia's point of view, -that on these occasions he always seems to think he's on the brink of -ruin and wants to start to economize. - -'Pretty tough,' I said. 'Well, anyway, he'll get one good dinner -tomorrow night at the Littles'.' - -'Can you guarantee that, Bertie?' asked Aunt Dahlia earnestly. 'I -simply daren't risk unleashing him on anything at all wonky.' - -'They've got a marvellous cook. I haven't been round there for some -time, but unless he's lost his form of two months ago Uncle Thomas is -going to have the treat of a lifetime.' - -'It'll only make it all the worse for him, coming back to our -steak-incinerator,' said Aunt Dahlia, a bit on the Schopenhauer side -herself. - - * * * * * - -The little nest where Bingo and his bride had settled themselves was -up in St John's Wood; one of those rather jolly houses with a bit of -garden. When I got there on the following night, I found that I was -the last to weigh in. Aunt Dahlia was chatting with Rosie in a corner, -while Uncle Thomas, standing by the mantelpiece with Bingo, sucked down -a cocktail in a frowning, suspicious sort of manner, rather like a -chappie having a short snort before dining with the Borgias: as if he -were saying to himself that, even if this particular cocktail wasn't -poisoned, he was bound to cop it later on. - -Well, I hadn't expected anything in the nature of beaming _joie de -vivre_ from Uncle Thomas, so I didn't pay much attention to him. What -did surprise me was the extraordinary gloom of young Bingo. You may say -what you like against Bingo, but nobody has ever found him a depressing -host. Why, many a time in the days of his bachelorhood I've known him -to start throwing bread before the soup course. Yet now he and Uncle -Thomas were a pair. He looked haggard and careworn, like a Borgia who -has suddenly remembered that he has forgotten to shove cyanide in the -_consommé_, and the dinner gong due any moment. - -And the mystery wasn't helped at all by the one remark he made to me -before conversation became general. As he poured out my cocktail, he -suddenly bent forward. - -'Bertie,' he whispered, in a nasty, feverish manner, 'I want to see -you. Life and death matter. Be in tomorrow morning.' - -That was all. Immediately after that the starting-gun went and we -toddled down to the festive. And from that moment, I'm bound to say, -in the superior interests of the proceedings he rather faded out of -my mind. For good old Anatole, braced presumably by the fact of there -being guests, had absolutely surpassed himself. - -I am not a man who speaks hastily in these matters. I weigh my words. -And I say again that Anatole had surpassed himself. It was as good a -dinner as I have ever absorbed, and it revived Uncle Thomas like a -watered flower. As we sat down he was saying some things about the -Government which they wouldn't have cared to hear. With the _consommé -pâté d'Italie_ he said but what could you expect nowadays? With the -_paupiettes de sole à la princesse_ he admitted rather decently that -the Government couldn't be held responsible for the rotten weather, -anyway. And shortly after the _caneton Aylesbury à la broche_ he was -practically giving the lads the benefit of his whole-hearted support. - -And all the time young Bingo looking like an owl with a secret sorrow. -Rummy! - -I thought about it a good deal as I walked home, and I was hoping he -wouldn't roll round with his hard-luck story too early in the morning. -He had the air of one who intends to charge in at about six-thirty. - -Jeeves was waiting up for me when I got back. - -'A pleasant dinner, sir?' he said. - -'Magnificent, Jeeves.' - -'I am glad to hear that, sir. Mr George Travers rang up on the -telephone shortly after you had left. He was extremely desirous that -you should join him at Harrogate, sir. He leaves for that town by an -early train tomorrow.' - -My Uncle George is a festive old bird who has made a habit for years -of doing himself a dashed sight too well, with the result that he's -always got Harrogate or Buxton hanging over him like the sword of -what's-his-name. And he hates going there alone. - -'It can't be done,' I said. Uncle George is bad enough in London, and -I wasn't going to let myself be cooped up with him in one of these -cure-places. - -'He was extremely urgent, sir.' - -'No, Jeeves,' I said firmly. 'I am always anxious to oblige, but Uncle -George--no, no! I mean to say, what?' - -'Very good, sir,' said Jeeves. - -It was a pleasure to hear the way he said it. Docile the man was -becoming, absolutely docile. It just showed that I had been right in -putting my foot down about those shirts. - - * * * * * - -When Bingo showed up next morning I had had breakfast and was all ready -for him. Jeeves shot him into the presence, and he sat down on the bed. - -'Good morning, Bertie,' said young Bingo. - -'Good morning, old thing,' I replied courteously. - -'Don't go, Jeeves,' said young Bingo hollowly. 'Wait.' - -'Sir?' - -'Remain. Stay. Cluster round. I shall need you.' - -'Very good, sir.' - -Bingo lit a cigarette and frowned bleakly at the wallpaper. - -'Bertie,' he said, 'the most frightful calamity has occurred. Unless -something is done, and done right speedily, my social prestige is -doomed, my self-respect will be obliterated, my name will be mud, and I -shall not dare to show my face in the West End of London again.' - -'My aunt!' I cried, deeply impressed. - -'Exactly,' said young Bingo, with a hollow laugh. 'You have put it in a -nutshell. The whole trouble is due to your blasted aunt.' - -'Which blasted aunt? Specify, old thing. I have so many.' - -'Mrs Travers. The one who runs that infernal paper.' - -'Oh, no, dash it, old man,' I protested. 'She's the only decent aunt -I've got. Jeeves, you will bear me out in this?' - -'Such has always been my impression, I must confess, sir.' - -'Well, get rid of it, then,' said young Bingo. 'The woman is a menace -to society, a home-wrecker, and a pest. Do you know what's she's done? -She's got Rosie to write an article for that rag of hers.' - -'I know that.' - -'Yes, but you don't know what it's about.' - -'No. She only told me Aunt Dahlia had given her a splendid idea for the -thing.' - -'It's about me!' - -'You?' - -'Yes, me! Me! And do you know what it's called? It is called "How I -Keep the Love of My Husband-Baby".' - -'My what?' - -'Husband-baby!' - -'What's a husband-baby?' - -'I am, apparently,' said young Bingo, with much bitterness. 'I am also, -according to this article, a lot of other things which I have too -much sense of decency to repeat even to an old friend. This beastly -composition, in short, is one of those things they call "human interest -stories"; one of those intimate revelations of married life over which -the female public loves to gloat; all about Rosie and me and what -she does when I come home cross, and so on. I tell you, Bertie, I am -still blushing all over at the recollection of something she says in -paragraph two.' - -'What?' - -'I decline to tell you. But you can take it from me that it's the edge. -Nobody could be fonder of Rosie than I am, but--dear, sensible girl as -she is in ordinary life--the moment she gets in front of a dictating -machine she becomes absolutely maudlin. Bertie, that article must not -appear!' - -'But--' - -'If it does I shall have to resign from my clubs, grow a beard, and -become a hermit. I shall not be able to face the world.' - -'Aren't you pitching it a bit strong, old lad?' I said. 'Jeeves, don't -you think he's pitching it a bit strong?' - -'Well, sir--' - -'I am pitching it feebly,' said young Bingo earnestly. 'You haven't -heard the thing. I have. Rosie shoved the cylinder on the dictating -machine last night before dinner, and it was grisly to hear the -instrument croaking out those awful sentences. If that article appears -I shall be kidded to death by every pal I've got. Bertie,' he said, his -voice sinking to a hoarse whisper, 'you have about as much imagination -as a warthog, but surely even you can picture to yourself what Jimmy -Bowles and Tuppy Rogers, to name only two, will say when they see me -referred to in print as "half god, half prattling, mischievous child"?' - -I jolly well could. - -'She doesn't say that?' I gasped. - -'She certainly does. And when I tell you that I selected that -particular quotation because it's about the only one I can stand -hearing spoken, you will realize what I'm up against.' - - * * * * * - -I picked at the coverlet. I had been a pal of Bingo's for many years, -and we Woosters stand by our pals. - -'Jeeves,' I said, 'you have heard?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'The position is serious.' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'We must cluster round.' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Does anything suggest itself to you?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'What! You don't really mean that?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Bingo,' I said, 'the sun is still shining. Something suggests itself -to Jeeves.' - -'Jeeves,' said young Bingo in a quivering voice, 'if you see me through -this fearful crisis, ask of me what you will even unto half my kingdom.' - -'The matter,' said Jeeves, 'fits in very nicely, sir, with another -mission which was entrusted to me this morning.' - -'What do you mean?' - -'Mrs Travers rang me up on the telephone shortly before I brought you -your tea, sir, and was most urgent that I should endeavour to persuade -Mr Little's cook to leave Mr Little's service and join her staff. It -appears that Mr Travers was fascinated by the man's ability, sir, and -talked far into the night of his astonishing gifts.' - -Young Bingo uttered a frightful cry of agony. - -'What! Is that--that buzzard trying to pinch our cook?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'After eating our bread and salt, dammit?' - -'I fear, sir,' sighed Jeeves, 'that when it comes to a matter of cooks, -ladies have but a rudimentary sense of morality.' - -'Half a second, Bingo,' I said, as the fellow seemed about to plunge -into something of an oration. 'How does this fit in with the other -thing, Jeeves?' - -'Well, sir, it has been my experience that no lady can ever forgive -another lady for taking a really good cook away from her. I am -convinced that, if I am able to accomplish the mission which Mrs -Travers entrusted to me, an instant breach of cordial relations must -inevitably ensue. Mrs Little will, I feel certain, be so aggrieved with -Mrs Travers that she will decline to contribute to her paper. We shall -therefore not only bring happiness to Mr Travers, but also suppress -the article. Thus killing two birds with one stone, if I may use the -expression, sir.' - -'Certainly you may use the expression, Jeeves,' I said cordially. 'And -I may add that in my opinion this is one of your best and ripest.' - -'Yes, but I say, you know,' bleated young Bingo. 'I mean to say--old -Anatole, I mean--what I'm driving at is that he's a cook in a million.' - -'You poor chump, if he wasn't there would be no point in the scheme.' - -'Yes, but what I mean--I shall miss him, you know. Miss him fearfully.' - -'Good heavens!' I cried. 'Don't tell me that you are thinking of your -tummy in a crisis like this?' - -Bingo sighed heavily. - -'Oh, all right,' he said. 'I suppose it's a case of the surgeon's -knife. All right, Jeeves, you may carry on. Yes, carry on, Jeeves. Yes, -yes, Jeeves, carry on. I'll look in tomorrow morning and hear what you -have to report.' - -And with bowed head young Bingo biffed off. - - * * * * * - -He was bright and early next morning. In fact, he turned up at such an -indecent hour that Jeeves very properly refused to allow him to break -in on my slumbers. - -By the time I was awake and receiving, he and Jeeves had had a -heart-to-heart chat in the kitchen; and when Bingo eventually crept -into my room I could see by the look on his face that something had -gone wrong. - -'It's all off,' he said, slumping down on the bed. - -'Off?' - -'Yes; that cook-pinching business. Jeeves tells me he saw Anatole last -night, and Anatole refused to leave.' - -'But surely Aunt Dahlia had the sense to offer him more than he was -getting with you?' - -'The sky was the limit, as far as she was concerned. Nevertheless, he -refused to skid. It seems he's in love with our parlourmaid.' - -'But you haven't got a parlourmaid.' - -'We have got a parlourmaid.' - -'I've never seen her. A sort of bloke who looked like a provincial -undertaker waited at table the night before last.' - -'That was the local greengrocer, who comes to help out when desired. -The parlourmaid is away on her holiday--or was till last night. She -returned about ten minutes before Jeeves made his call, and Anatole, I -take it, was in such a state of elation and devotion and what-not on -seeing her again that the contents of the Mint wouldn't have bribed him -to part from her.' - -'But look here, Bingo,' I said, 'this is all rot. I see the solution -right off. I'm surprised that a bloke of Jeeves's mentality overlooked -it. Aunt Dahlia must engage the parlourmaid as well as Anatole. Then -they won't be parted.' - -'I thought of that, too. Naturally.' - -'I bet you didn't.' - -'I certainly did.' - -'Well, what's wrong with the scheme?' - -'It can't be worked. If your aunt engaged our parlourmaid she would -have to sack her own, wouldn't she?' - -'Well?' - -'Well, if she sacks her parlourmaid, it will mean that the chauffeur -will quit. He's in love with her.' - -'With my aunt?' - -'No, with the parlourmaid. And apparently he's the only chauffeur your -uncle has ever found who drives carefully enough for him.' - -I gave it up. I had never imagined before that life below stairs was so -frightfully mixed up with what these coves call the sex complex. The -personnel of domestic staffs seemed to pair off like characters in a -musical comedy. - -'Oh!' I said. 'Well, that being so, we do seem to be more or less -stymied. That article will have to appear after all, what?' - -'No, it won't.' - -'Has Jeeves thought of another scheme?' - -'No, but I have.' Bingo bent forward and patted my knee affectionately. -'Look here, Bertie,' he said, 'you and I were at school together. -You'll admit that?' - -'Yes, but--' - -'And you're a fellow who never lets a pal down. That's well known, -isn't it?' - -'Yes, but listen--' - -'You'll cluster round. Of course you will. As if,' said Bingo with a -scornful laugh, 'I ever doubted it! You won't let an old school-friend -down in his hour of need. Not you. Not Bertie Wooster. No, no!' - -'Yes, but just one moment. What is this scheme of yours?' - -Bingo massaged my shoulder soothingly. - -'It's something right in your line, Bertie, old man; something that'll -come as easy as pie to you. As a matter of fact, you've done very much -the same thing before--that time you were telling me about when you -pinched your uncle's Memoirs at Easeby. I suddenly remembered that, and -it gave me the idea. It's--' - -'Here! Listen!' - -'It's all settled, Bertie. Nothing for you to worry about. Nothing -whatever. I see now that we made a big mistake in ever trying to tackle -this job in Jeeves's silly, roundabout way. Much better to charge -straight ahead without any of that finesse and fooling about. And so--' - -'Yes, but listen--' - -'And so this afternoon I'm going to take Rosie to a matinee. I shall -leave the window of her study open, and when we have got well away you -will climb in, pinch the cylinder and pop off again. It's absurdly -simple--' - -'Yes, but half a second--' - -'I know what you are going to say,' said Bingo, raising his hand. 'How -are you to find the cylinder? That's what is bothering you, isn't it? -Well, it will be quite easy. Not a chance of a mistake. The thing is -in the top left-hand drawer of the desk, and the drawer will be left -unlocked because Rosie's stenographer is to come round at four o'clock -and type the article.' - -'Now listen, Bingo,' I said. 'I'm frightfully sorry for you and all -that, but I must firmly draw the line at burglary.' - -'But, dash it, I'm only asking you to do what you did at Easeby.' - -'No, you aren't. I was staying at Easeby. It was simply a case of -having to lift a parcel off the hall table. I hadn't got to break into -a house. I'm sorry but I simply will not break into your beastly house -on any consideration whatever.' - -He gazed at me, astonished and hurt. 'Is this Bertie Wooster speaking?' -he said in a low voice. - -'Yes, it is!' - -'But, Bertie,' he said gently, 'we agreed that you were at school with -me.' - -'I don't care.' - -'At school, Bertie. The dear old school.' - -'I don't care. I will not--' - -'Bertie!' - -'I will not--' - -'Bertie!' - -'No!' - -'Bertie!' - -'Oh, all right,' I said. - -'There,' said young Bingo, patting me on the shoulder, 'spoke the true -Bertram Wooster!' - - * * * * * - -I don't know if it has ever occurred to you, but to the thoughtful cove -there is something dashed reassuring in all the reports of burglaries -you read in the papers. I mean, if you're keen on Great Britain -maintaining her prestige and all that. I mean, there can't be much -wrong with the morale of a country whose sons go in to such a large -extent for housebreaking, because you can take it from me that the job -requires a nerve of the most cast-iron description. I suppose I was -walking up and down in front of that house for half an hour before I -could bring myself to dash in at the front gate and slide round to the -side where the study window was. And even then I stood for about ten -minutes cowering against the wall and listening for police-whistles. - -Eventually, however, I braced myself up and got to business. The study -was on the ground floor and the window was nice and large, and, what is -more, wide open. I got the old knee over the sill, gave a jerk which -took an inch of skin off my ankle, and hopped down into the room. And -there I was, if you follow me. - -I stood for a moment, listening. Everything seemed to be all right. I -was apparently alone in the world. - -In fact, I was so much alone that the atmosphere seemed positively -creepy. You know how it is on these occasions. There was a clock on the -mantelpiece that ticked in a slow, shocked sort of way that was dashed -unpleasant. And over the clock a large portrait stared at me with a -good deal of dislike and suspicion. It was a portrait of somebody's -grandfather. Whether he was Rosie's or Bingo's I didn't know, but he -was certainly a grandfather. In fact, I wouldn't be prepared to swear -that he wasn't a great-grandfather. He was a big, stout old buffer in -a high collar that seemed to hurt his neck, for he had drawn his chin -back a goodish way and was looking down his nose as much as to say, -'You made me put this dam' thing on!' - -Well, it was only a step to the desk, and nothing between me and it but -a brown shaggy rug; so I avoided grandfather's eye and, summoning up -the good old bulldog courage of the Woosters, moved forward and started -to navigate the rug. And I had hardly taken a step when the south-east -corner of it suddenly detached itself from the rest and sat up with a -snuffle. - -Well, I mean to say, to bear yourself fittingly in the face of an -occurrence of this sort you want to be one of those strong, silent, -phlegmatic birds who are ready for anything. This type of bloke, I -imagine, would simply have cocked an eye at the rug, said to himself, -'Ah, a Pekingese dog, and quite a good one, too!' and started at once -to make cordial overtures to the animal in order to win its sympathy -and moral support. I suppose I must be one of the neurotic younger -generation you read about in the papers nowadays, because it was -pretty plain within half a second that I wasn't strong and I wasn't -phlegmatic. This wouldn't have mattered so much, but I wasn't silent -either. In the emotion of the moment I let out a sort of sharp yowl and -leaped about four feet in a north-westerly direction. And there was a -crash that sounded as though somebody had touched off a bomb. - -What a female novelist wants with an occasional table in her study -containing a vase, two framed photographs, a saucer, a lacquer box, -and a jar of potpourri, I don't know; but that was what Bingo's Rosie -had, and I caught it squarely with my right hip and knocked it endways. -It seemed to me for a moment as if the whole world had dissolved into -a kind of cataract of glass and china. A few years ago, when I legged -it to America to elude my Aunt Agatha, who was out with her hatchet, I -remember going to Niagara and listening to the Falls. They made much -the same sort of row, but not so loud. - -And at the same instant the dog began to bark. - -It was a small dog--the sort of animal from which you would have -expected a noise like a squeaking slate-pencil; but it was simply -baying. It had retired into a corner, and was leaning against the wall -with bulging eyes; and every two seconds it chucked its head back in a -kind of pained way and let out another terrific bellow. - -Well, I know when I'm licked. I was sorry for Bingo and regretted the -necessity of having to let him down; but the time had come, I felt, to -shift. 'Outside for Bertram!' was the slogan, and I took a running leap -at the window and scrambled through. - -And there on the path, as if they had been waiting for me by -appointment, stood a policeman and a parlourmaid. - -It was an embarrassing moment. - -'Oh--er--there you are!' I said. And there was what you might call a -contemplative silence for a moment. - -'I told you I heard something,' said the parlourmaid. - -The policeman was regarding me in a boiled way. - -'What's all this?' he asked. - -I smiled in a sort of saint-like manner. - -'It's a little hard to explain,' I said. - -'Yes, it is!' said the policeman. - -'I was just--er--just having a look round, you know. Old friend of the -family, you understand.' - -'How did you get in?' - -'Through the window. Being an old friend of the family, if you follow -me.' - -'Old friend of the family, are you?' - -'Oh, very. Very. Very old. Oh, a very old friend of the family.' - -'I've never seen him before,' said the parlourmaid. - - * * * * * - -I looked at the girl with positive loathing. How she could have -inspired affection in anyone, even a French cook, beat me. Not that she -was a bad-looking girl, mind you. Not at all. On another and happier -occasion I might even have thought her rather pretty. But now she -seemed one of the most unpleasant females I had ever encountered. - -'No,' I said. 'You have never seen me before. But I'm an old friend of -the family.' - -'Then why didn't you ring at the front door?' - -'I didn't want to give any trouble.' - -'It's no trouble answering front doors, that being what you're paid -for,' said the parlourmaid virtuously. 'I've never seen him before in -my life,' she added, perfectly gratuitously. A horrid girl. - -'Well, look here,' I said, with an inspiration, 'the undertaker knows -me.' - -'What undertaker?' - -'The cove who was waiting at table when I dined here the night before -last.' - -'Did the undertaker wait at table on the sixteenth instant?' asked the -policeman. - -'Of course he didn't,' said the parlourmaid. - -'Well, he looked like--By Jove, no. I remember now. He was the -greengrocer.' - -'On the sixteenth instant,' said the policeman--pompous ass!--'did the -greengrocer--?' - -'Yes, he did, if you want to know,' said the parlourmaid. She seemed -disappointed and baffled, like a tigress that sees its prey being -sneaked away from it. Then she brightened. 'But this fellow could -easily have found that out by asking round about.' - -A perfectly poisonous girl. - -'What's your name?' asked the policeman. - -'Well, I say, do you mind awfully if I don't give my name, because--' - -'Suit yourself. You'll have to tell it to the magistrate.' - -'Oh, no, I say, dash it!' - -'I think you'd better come along.' - -'But I say, really, you know, I am an old friend of the family. Why, by -Jove, now I remember, there's a photograph of me in the drawing-room. -Well, I mean, that shows you!' - -'If there is,' said the policeman. - -'I've never seen it,' said the parlourmaid. - -I absolutely hated this girl. - -'You would have seen it if you had done your dusting more -conscientiously,' I said severely. And I meant it to sting, by Jove! - -'It is not a parlourmaid's place to dust the drawing-room,' she sniffed -haughtily. - -'No,' I said bitterly. 'It seems to be a parlourmaid's place to -lurk about and hang about and--er--waste her time fooling about in -the garden with policemen who ought to be busy about their duties -elsewhere.' - -'It's a parlourmaid's place to open the front door to visitors. Them -that don't come in through windows.' - -I perceived that I was getting the loser's end of the thing. I tried to -be conciliatory. - -'My dear old parlourmaid,' I said, 'don't let us descend to vulgar -wrangling. All I'm driving at is that there is a photograph of me in -the drawing-room, cared for and dusted by whom I know not; and this -photograph will, I think, prove to you that I am an old friend of the -family. I fancy so, officer?' - -'If it's there,' said the man in a grudging way. - -'Oh, it's there all right. On, yes, it's there.' - -'Well, we'll go to the drawing-room and see.' - -'Spoken like a man, my dear old policeman,' I said. - - * * * * * - -The drawing-room was on the first floor, and the photograph was on -the table by the fireplace. Only, if you understand me, it wasn't. -What I mean is there was the fireplace, and there was the table by the -fireplace, but, by Jove, not a sign of any photograph of me whatsoever. -A photograph of Bingo, yes. A photograph of Bingo's uncle, Lord -Bittlesham, right. A photograph of Mrs Bingo, three-quarter face, with -a tender smile on her lips, all present and correct. But of anything -resembling Bertram Wooster, not a trace. - -'Ho!' said the policeman. - -'But, dash it, it was there the night before last.' - -'Ho!' he said again. 'Ho! Ho!' As if he were starting a drinking-chorus -in a comic opera, confound him. - -Then I got what amounted to the brain-wave of a lifetime. - -'Who dusts these things?' I said, turning on the parlourmaid. - -'I don't.' - -'I didn't say you did. I said who did.' - -'Mary. The housemaid, of course.' - -'Exactly. As I suspected. As I foresaw. Mary, officer, is notoriously -the worst smasher in London. There have been complaints about her on -all sides. You see what has happened? The wretched girl has broken the -glass of my photograph and, not being willing to come forward and admit -it in an honest, manly way, has taken the thing off and concealed it -somewhere.' - -'Ho!' said the policeman, still working through the drinking-chorus. - -'Well, ask her. Go down and ask her.' - -'You go down and ask her,' said the policeman to the parlourmaid. 'If -it's going to make him any happier.' - -The parlourmaid left the room, casting a pestilential glance at me over -her shoulder as she went. I'm not sure she didn't say 'Ho!' too. And -then there was a bit of a lull. The policeman took up a position with a -large beefy back against the door, and I wandered to and fro and hither -and yonder. - -'What are you playing at?' demanded the policeman. - -'Just looking round. They may have moved the thing.' - -'Ho!' - -And then there was another bit of a lull. And suddenly I found myself -by the window, and, by Jove, it was six inches open at the bottom. And -the world beyond looked so bright and sunny and--Well, I don't claim -that I am a particularly swift thinker, but once more something seemed -to whisper 'Outside for Bertram!' I slid my finger nonchalantly under -the sash, gave a hefty heave, and up she came. And the next moment I -was in a laurel bush, feeling like the cross which marks the spot where -the accident occurred. - -A large red face appeared in the window. I got up and skipped lightly -to the gate. - -'Hi!' shouted the policeman. - -'Ho!' I replied, and went forth, moving well. - -'This,' I said to myself, as I hailed a passing cab and sank back on -the cushions, 'is the last time I try to do anything for young Bingo!' - - * * * * * - -These sentiments I expressed in no guarded language to Jeeves when I -was back in the old flat with my feet on the mantelpiece, pushing down -a soothing whisky-and. - -'Never again, Jeeves!' I said. 'Never again!' - -'Well, sir--' - -'No, never again!' - -'Well, sir--' - -'What do you mean, "Well, sir"? What are you driving at?' - -'Well, sir, Mr Little is an extremely persistent young gentleman, and -yours, if I may say so, sir, is a yielding and obliging nature--' - -'You don't think that young Bingo would have the immortal rind to try -to get me into some other foul enterprise?' - -'I should say that it was more than probable, sir.' - -I removed the dogs swiftly from the mantelpiece, and jumped up, all of -a twitter. - -'Jeeves, what would you advise?' - -'Well, sir, I think a little change of scene would be judicious.' - -'Do a bolt?' - -'Precisely, sir. If I might suggest it, sir, why not change your mind -and join Mr George Travers at Harrogate?' - -'Oh, I say, Jeeves!' - -'You would be out of what I might describe as the danger zone there, -sir.' - -'Perhaps you're right, Jeeves,' I said thoughtfully. 'Yes, possibly -you're right. How far is Harrogate from London?' - -'Two hundred and six miles, sir.' - -'Yes, I think you're right. Is there a train this afternoon?' - -'Yes, sir. You could catch it quite easily.' - -'All right, then. Bung a few necessaries in a bag.' - -'I have already done so, sir.' - -'Ho!' I said. - - * * * * * - -It's a rummy thing, but when you come down to it Jeeves is always -right. He had tried to cheer me up at the station by saying that I -would not find Harrogate unpleasant, and, by Jove, he was perfectly -correct. What I had overlooked, when examining the project, was the -fact that I should be in the middle of a bevy of blokes who were taking -the cure and I shouldn't be taking it myself. You've no notion what a -dashed cosy, satisfying feeling that gives a fellow. - -I mean to say, there was old Uncle George, for instance. The -medicine-man, having given him the once-over, had ordered him to -abstain from all alcoholic liquids, and in addition to tool down the -hill to the Royal Pump-Room each morning at eight-thirty and imbibe -twelve ounces of warm crescent saline and magnesia. It doesn't sound -much, put that way, but I gather from contemporary accounts that it's -practically equivalent to getting outside a couple of little old last -year's eggs beaten up in sea-water. And the thought of Uncle George, -who had oppressed me sorely in my childhood, sucking down that stuff -and having to hop out of bed at eight-fifteen to do so was extremely -grateful and comforting of a morning. - -At four in the afternoon he would toddle down the hill again and repeat -the process, and at night we would dine together and I would loll back -in my chair, sipping my wine, and listen to him telling me what the -stuff had tasted like. In many ways the ideal existence. - -I generally managed to fit it in with my engagements to go down and -watch him tackle his afternoon dose, for we Woosters are as fond of a -laugh as anyone. And it was while I was enjoying the performance in the -middle of the second week that I heard my name spoken. And there was -Aunt Dahlia. - -'Hallo!' I said. 'What are you doing here?' - -'I came down yesterday with Tom.' - -'Is Tom taking the cure?' asked Uncle George, looking up hopefully from -the hell-brew. - -'Yes.' - -'Are you taking the cure?' - -'Yes.' - -'Ah!' said Uncle George, looking happier than I had seen him for days. -He swallowed the last drops, and then, the programme calling for a -brisk walk before his massage, left us. - -'I shouldn't have thought you would have been able to get away from -the paper,' I said. 'I say,' I went on, struck by a pleasing idea. 'It -hasn't bust up, has it?' - -'Bust up? I should say not. A pal of mine is looking after it for me -while I'm here. It's right on its feet now. Tom has given me a couple -of thousand and says there's more if I want it, and I've been able -to buy the serial rights of Lady Bablockhythe's _Frank Recollections -of a Long Life_. The hottest stuff, Bertie. Certain to double the -circulation and send half the best-known people in London into -hysterics for a year.' - -'Oh!' I said. 'Then you're pretty well fixed, what? I mean, what with -the Frank Recollections and that article of Mrs Little's.' - -Aunt Dahlia was drinking something that smelled like a leak in the -gas-pipe, and I thought for a moment that it was that that made her -twist up her face. But I was wrong. - -'Don't mention that woman to me, Bertie!' she said. 'One of the worst.' - -'But I thought you were rather pally.' - -'No longer. Will you credit it that she positively refuses to let me -have that article--' - -'What!' - -'--purely and simply on account of some fancied grievance she thinks -she has against me because her cook left her and came to me.' - -I couldn't follow this at all. - -'Anatole left her?' I said. 'But what about the parlourmaid?' - -'Pull yourself together, Bertie. You're babbling. What do you mean?' - -'Why, I understood--' - -'I'll bet you never understood anything in your life.' She laid down -her empty glass. 'Well, that's done!' she said with relief. 'Thank -goodness, I'll be able to watch Tom drinking his in a few minutes. -It's the only thing that enables me to bear up. Poor old chap, he does -hate it so! But I cheer him by telling him it's going to put him in -shape for Anatole's cooking. And that, Bertie, is something worth going -into training for. A master of his art, that man. Sometimes I'm not -altogether surprised that Mrs Little made such a fuss when he went. -But, really, you know, she ought not to mix sentiment with business. -She has no right to refuse to let me have that article just because of -a private difference. Well, she jolly well can't use it anywhere else, -because it was my idea and I have witnesses to prove it. If she tries -to sell it to another paper, I'll sue her. And, talking of sewers, it's -high time Tom was here to drink his sulphur-water.' - -'But look here--' - -'Oh, by the way, Bertie,' said Aunt Dahlia, 'I withdraw any harsh -expressions I may have used about your man Jeeves. A most capable -feller!' - -'Jeeves?' - -'Yes; he attended to the negotiations. And very well he did it, too. -And he hasn't lost by it, you can bet. I saw to that. I'm grateful to -him. Why, if Tom gives up a couple of thousand now, practically without -a murmur, the imagination reels at what he'll do with Anatole cooking -regularly for him. He'll be signing cheques in his sleep.' - -I got up. Aunt Dahlia pleaded with me to stick around and watch Uncle -Tom in action, claiming it to be a sight nobody should miss, but I -couldn't wait. I rushed up the hill, left a farewell note for Uncle -George, and caught the next train for London. - - * * * * * - -'Jeeves,' I said, when I had washed off the stains of travel, 'tell me -frankly all about it. Be as frank as Lady Bablockhythe.' - -'Sir?' - -'Never mind, if you've not heard of her. Tell me how you worked -this binge. The last I heard was that Anatole loved that -parlourmaid--goodness knows why!--so much that he refused to leave her. -Well, then?' - -'I was somewhat baffled for a while, I must confess, sir. Then I was -materially assisted by a fortunate discovery.' - -'What was that?' - -'I chanced to be chatting with Mrs Travers's housemaid, sir, and, -remembering that Mrs Little was anxious to obtain a domestic of that -description, I asked her if she would consent to leave Mrs Travers and -go at an advanced wage to Mrs Little. To this she assented, and I saw -Mrs Little and arranged the matter.' - -'Well? What was the fortunate discovery?' - -'That the girl, in a previous situation some little time back, had -been a colleague of Anatole, sir. And Anatole, as is the too frequent -practice of these Frenchmen, had made love to her. In fact, they were, -so I understand it, sir, formally affianced until Anatole disappeared -one morning, leaving no address, and passed out of the poor girl's -life. You will readily appreciate that this discovery simplified -matters considerably. The girl no longer had any affection for Anatole, -but the prospect of being under the same roof with two young persons, -both of whom he had led to assume--' - -'Great Scott! Yes, I see! It was rather like putting in a ferret to -start a rabbit.' - -'The principle was much the same, sir. Anatole was out of the house -and in Mrs Travers's service within half an hour of the receipt of the -information that the young person was about to arrive. A volatile man, -sir. Like so many of these Frenchmen.' - -'Jeeves,' I said, 'this is genius of a high order.' - -'It is very good of you to say so, sir.' - -'What did Mr Little say about it?' - -'He appeared gratified, sir.' - -'To go into sordid figures, did he--' - -'Yes, sir. Twenty pounds. Having been fortunate in his selections at -Hurst Park on the previous Saturday.' - -'My aunt told me that she--' - -'Yes, sir. Most generous. Twenty-five pounds.' - -'Good Lord, Jeeves! You've been coining the stuff!' - -'I have added appreciably to my savings, yes, sir. Mrs Little was -good enough to present me with ten pounds for finding her such a -satisfactory housemaid. And then there was Mr Travers--' - -'Uncle Thomas?' - -'Yes, sir. He also behaved most handsomely, quite independently of Mrs -Travers. Another twenty-five pounds. And Mr George Travers--' - -'Don't tell me that Uncle George gave you something, too! What on earth -for?' - -'Well, really, sir, I do not quite understand myself. But I received a -cheque for ten pounds from him. He seemed to be under the impression -that I had been in some way responsible for your joining him at -Harrogate, sir.' - -I gaped at the fellow. - -'Well, everybody seems to be doing it,' I said, 'so I suppose I had -better make the thing unanimous. Here's a fiver.' - -'Why, thank you, sir. This is extremely--' - -'It won't seem much compared with these vast sums you've been -acquiring.' - -'Oh, I assure you, sir.' - -'And I don't know why I'm giving it to you.' - -'No, sir.' - -'Still, there it is.' - -'Thank you very much, sir.' - -I got up. - -'It's pretty late,' I said, 'but I think I'll dress and go out and have -a bite somewhere. I feel like having a whirl of some kind after two -weeks at Harrogate.' - -'Yes, sir. I will unpack your clothes.' - -'Oh, Jeeves,' I said, 'did Peabody and Simms send those soft silk -shirts?' - -'Yes, sir. I sent them back.' - -'Sent them back!' - -'Yes, sir.' - -I eyed him for a moment. But I mean to say. I mean, what's the use? - -'Oh, all right,' I said. 'Then lay out one of the gents' stiff-bosomed.' - -'Very good, sir,' said Jeeves. - - - - - 10--Bertie Changes his Mind - - -It has happened so frequently in the past few years that young fellows -starting in my profession have come to me for a word of advice, that -I have found it convenient now to condense my system into a brief -formula. 'Resource and Tact'--that is my motto. Tact, of course, has -always been with me a _sine qua non_; while as for resource, I think I -may say that I have usually contrived to show a certain modicum of what -I might call _finesse_ in handling those little _contretemps_ which -inevitably arise from time to time in the daily life of a gentleman's -personal gentleman. I am reminded, by way of an instance, of the -Episode of the School for Young Ladies near Brighton--an affair which, -I think, may be said to have commenced one evening at the moment when I -brought Mr Wooster his whisky and siphon and he addressed me with such -remarkable petulance. - -Not a little moody Mr Wooster had been for some days--far from his -usual bright self. This I had attributed to the natural reaction from -a slight attack of influenza from which he had been suffering; and, of -course, took no notice, merely performing my duties as usual, until on -the evening of which I speak he exhibited this remarkable petulance -when I brought him his whisky and siphon. - -'Oh, dash it, Jeeves!' he said, manifestly overwrought. 'I wish at -least you'd put it on another table for a change.' - -'Sir?' I said. - -'Every night, dash it all,' proceeded Mr Wooster morosely, 'you come in -at exactly the same old time with the same old tray and put it on the -same old table. I'm fed up, I tell you. It's the bally monotony of it -that makes it all seem so frightfully bally.' - -I confess that his words filled me with a certain apprehension. I had -heard gentlemen in whose employment I have been speak in very much the -same way before, and it had almost invariably meant that they were -contemplating matrimony. It disturbed me, therefore, I am free to -admit, when Mr Wooster addressed me in this fashion. I had no desire -to sever a connexion so pleasant in every respect as his and mine had -been, and my experience is that when the wife comes in at the front -door the valet of bachelor days goes out at the back. - -'It's not your fault, of course,' went on Mr Wooster, regaining a -certain degree of composure. 'I'm not blaming you. But, by Jove, I -mean, you must acknowledge--I mean to say, I've been thinking pretty -deeply these last few days, Jeeves, and I've come to the conclusion -mine is an empty life. I'm lonely, Jeeves.' - -'You have a great many friends, sir.' - -'What's the good of friends?' - -'Emerson,' I reminded him, 'says a friend may well be reckoned the -masterpiece of Nature, sir.' - -'Well, you can tell Emerson from me next time you see him that he's an -ass.' - -'Very good, sir.' - -'What I want--Jeeves, have you seen that play called -I-forget-its-dashed-name?' - -'No, sir.' - -'It's on at the What-d'you-call-it. I went last night. The hero's -a chap who's buzzing along, you know, quite merry and bright, and -suddenly a kid turns up and says she's his daughter. Left over from act -one, you know--absolutely the first he'd heard of it. Well, of course, -there's a bit of a fuss and they say to him "What-ho?" and he says, -"Well, what about it?" and they say, "Well, _what_ about it?" and he -says, "Oh all right, then, if that's the way you feel!" and he takes -the kid and goes off with her out into the world together, you know. -Well, what I'm driving at, Jeeves, is that I envied that chappie. Most -awfully jolly little girl, you know, clinging to him trustingly and -what-not. Something to look after, if you know what I mean. Jeeves, I -wish I had a daughter. I wonder what the procedure is?' - -'Marriage is, I believe, considered the preliminary step, sir.' - -'No, I mean about adopting a kid. You can adopt kids, you know, Jeeves. -But what I want to know is how you start about it.' - -'The process, I should imagine, would be highly complicated and -laborious, sir. It would cut into your spare time.' - -'Well, I'll tell you what I could do, then. My sister will be back from -India next week with her three little girls. I'll give up this flat -and take a house and have them all to live with me. By Jove, Jeeves, -I think that's rather a scheme, what? Prattle of childish voices, eh? -Little feet pattering hither and thither, yes?' - -I concealed my perturbation, but the effort to preserve my _sang-froid_ -tested my powers to the utmost. The course of action outlined by Mr -Wooster meant the finish of our cosy bachelor establishment if it came -into being as a practical proposition; and no doubt some men in my -place would at this juncture have voiced their disapproval. I avoided -this blunder. - -'If you will pardon my saying so, sir,' I suggested, 'I think you -are not quite yourself after your influenza. If I might express the -opinion, what you require is a few days by the sea. Brighton is very -handy, sir.' - -'Are you suggesting that I'm talking through my hat?' - -'By no means, sir. I merely advocate a short stay at Brighton as a -physical recuperative.' - -Mr Wooster considered. - -'Well, I'm not sure you're not right,' he said at length. 'I _am_ -feeling more or less of an onion. You might shove a few things in a -suit-case and drive me down in the car tomorrow.' - -'Very good, sir.' - -'And when we get back I'll be in the pink and ready to tackle this -pattering-feet wheeze.' - -'Exactly, sir.' - -Well, it was a respite, and I welcomed it. But I began to see that a -crisis had arisen which would require adroit handling. Rarely had I -observed Mr Wooster more set on a thing. Indeed, I could recall no -such exhibition of determination on his part since the time when he -had insisted, against my frank disapproval, on wearing purple socks. -However, I had coped successfully with that outbreak, and I was by -no means unsanguine that I should eventually be able to bring the -present affair to a happy issue. Employers are like horses. They -require managing. Some gentlemen's personal gentlemen have the knack of -managing them, some have not. I, I am happy to say, have no cause for -complaint. - - * * * * * - -For myself, I found our stay at Brighton highly enjoyable, and should -have been willing to extend it, but Mr Wooster, still restless, wearied -of the place by the end of two days, and on the third afternoon he -instructed me to pack up and bring the car round to the hotel. We -started back along the London road at about five on a fine summer's -day, and had travelled perhaps two miles when I perceived in the road -before us a young lady, gesticulating with no little animation. I -applied the brake and brought the vehicle to a standstill. - -'What,' inquired Mr Wooster, waking from a reverie, 'is the big thought -at the back of this, Jeeves?' - -'I observed a young lady endeavouring to attract our attention with -signals a little way down the road, sir,' I explained. 'She is now -making her way towards us.' - -Mr Wooster peered. - -'I see her. I expect she wants a lift, Jeeves.' - -'That was the interpretation which I placed upon her actions, sir.' - -'A jolly-looking kid,' said Mr Wooster. 'I wonder what she's doing, -biffing about the high road.' - -'She has the air to me, sir, of one who has been absenting herself -without leave from her school, sir.' - -'Hallo-allo-allo!' said Mr Wooster, as the child reached us. 'Do you -want a lift?' - -'Oh, I say, can you?' said the child, with marked pleasure. - -'Where do you want to go?' - -'There's a turning to the left about a mile farther on. If you'll put -me down there, I'll walk the rest of the way. I say, thanks awfully. -I've got a nail in my shoe.' - -She climbed in at the back. A red-haired young person with a snub-nose -and an extremely large grin. Her age, I should imagine, would be -about twelve. She let down one of the spare seats, and knelt on it to -facilitate conversation. - -'I'm going to get into a frightful row,' she began. 'Miss Tomlinson -will be perfectly furious.' - -'No, really?' said Mr Wooster. - -'It's a half-holiday, you know, and I sneaked away to Brighton, because -I wanted to go on the pier and put pennies in the slot-machines. I -thought I could get back in time so that nobody would notice I'd gone, -but I got this nail in my shoe, and now there'll be a fearful row. Oh, -well,' she said, with a philosophy which, I confess, I admired, 'it -can't be helped. What's your car? A Sunbeam, isn't it? We've got a -Wolseley at home.' - -Mr Wooster was visibly perturbed. As I have indicated, he was at this -time in a highly malleable frame of mind, tender-hearted to a degree -where the young of the female sex was concerned. Her sad case touched -him deeply. - -'Oh, I say, this is rather rotten,' he observed. 'Isn't there anything -to be done? I say, Jeeves, don't you think something could be done?' - -'It was not my place to make the suggestion, sir,' I replied, 'but, -as you yourself have brought the matter up, I fancy the trouble is -susceptible of adjustment. I think it would be a legitimate subterfuge -were you to inform the young lady's schoolmistress that you are an old -friend of the young lady's father. In this case you could inform Miss -Tomlinson that you had been passing the school and had seen the young -lady at the gate and taken her for a drive. Miss Tomlinson's chagrin -would no doubt in these circumstances be sensibly diminished if not -altogether dispersed.' - -'Well, you _are_ a sportsman!' observed the young person, with -considerable enthusiasm. And she proceeded to kiss me--in connexion -with which I have only to say that I was sorry she had just been -devouring some sticky species of sweetmeat. - -'Jeeves, you've hit it!' said Mr Wooster. 'A sound, even fruity, -scheme. I say, I suppose I'd better know your name and all that, if I'm -a friend of your father's.' - -'My name's Peggy Mainwaring, thanks awfully,' said the young person. -'And my father's Professor Mainwaring. He's written a lot of books. -You'll be expected to know that.' - -'Author of the well-known series of philosophical treatises, sir,' I -ventured to interject. 'They have a great vogue, though, if the young -lady will pardon my saying so, many of the Professor's opinions strike -me personally as somewhat empirical. Shall I drive on to the school, -sir?' - -'Yes, carry on. I say, Jeeves, it's a rummy thing. Do you know, I've -never been inside a girls' school in my life.' - -'Indeed, sir?' - -'Ought to be a dashed interesting experience, Jeeves, what?' - -'I fancy that you may find it so, sir,' I said. - -We drove on a matter of half a mile down a lane, and, directed by -the young person, I turned in at the gates of a house of imposing -dimensions, bringing the car to a halt at the front door. Mr Wooster -and the child entered, and presently a parlourmaid came out. - -'You're to take the car round to the stables, please,' she said. - -'Ah!' I said. 'Then everything is satisfactory, eh? Where has Mr -Wooster gone?' - -'Miss Peggy has taken him off to meet her friends. And cook says she -hopes you'll step round to the kitchen later and have a cup of tea.' - -'Inform her that I shall be delighted. Before I take the car to -the stables, would it be possible for me to have a word with Miss -Tomlinson?' - -A moment later I was following her into the drawing-room. - -Handsome but strong-minded--that was how I summed up Miss Tomlinson at -first glance. In some ways she recalled to my mind Mr Wooster's Aunt -Agatha. She had the same penetrating gaze and that indefinable air of -being reluctant to stand any nonsense. - -'I fear I am possibly taking a liberty, madam,' I began, 'but I -am hoping that you will allow me to say a word with respect to my -employer. I fancy I am correct in supposing that Mr Wooster did not -tell you a great deal about himself?' - -'He told me nothing about himself, except that he was a friend of -Professor Mainwaring.' - -'He did not inform you, then, that he was _the_ Mr Wooster?' - -'_The_ Mr Wooster?' - -'Bertram Wooster, madam.' - -I will say for Mr Wooster that, mentally negligible though he no doubt -is, he has a name that suggests almost infinite possibilities. He -sounds, if I may elucidate my meaning, like Someone--especially if you -have just been informed that he is an intimate friend of so eminent a -man as Professor Mainwaring. You might not, no doubt, be able to say -offhand whether he was Bertram Wooster the novelist, or Bertram Wooster -the founder of a new school of thought; but you would have an uneasy -feeling that you were exposing your ignorance if you did not give the -impression of familiarity with the name. Miss Tomlinson, as I had -rather foreseen, nodded brightly. - -'Oh, _Bertram_ Wooster!' she said. - -'He is an extremely retiring gentleman, madam, and would be the last to -suggest it himself, but, knowing him as I do, I am sure that he would -take it as a graceful compliment if you were to ask him to address the -young ladies. He is an excellent extempore speaker.' - -'A very good idea,' said Miss Tomlinson decidedly. 'I am very much -obliged to you for suggesting it. I will certainly ask him to talk to -the girls.' - -'And should he make a pretence--through modesty--of not wishing--' - -'I shall insist.' - -'Thank you, madam. I am obliged. You will not mention my share in the -matter? Mr Wooster might think that I had exceeded my duties.' - -I drove round to the stables and halted the car in the yard. As I got -out, I looked at it somewhat intently. It was a good car, and appeared -to be in excellent condition, but somehow I seemed to feel that -something was going to go wrong with it--something serious--something -that would not be able to be put right again for at least a couple of -hours. - -One gets these presentiments. - - * * * * * - -It may have been some half-hour later that Mr Wooster came into -the stable-yard as I was leaning against the car enjoying a quiet -cigarette. - -'No, don't chuck it away, Jeeves,' he said, as I withdrew the cigarette -from my mouth. 'As a matter of fact, I've come to touch you for a -smoke. Got one to spare?' - -'Only gaspers, I fear, sir.' - -'They'll do,' responded Mr Wooster, with no little eagerness. -I observed that his manner was a trifle fatigued and his eye -somewhat wild. 'It's a rummy thing, Jeeves, I seem to have lost my -cigarette-case. Can't find it anywhere.' - -'I am sorry to hear that, sir. It is not in the car.' - -'No? Must have dropped it somewhere, then.' He drew at his gasper with -relish. 'Jolly creatures, small girls, Jeeves,' he remarked, after a -pause. - -'Extremely so, sir.' - -'Of course, I can imagine some fellows finding them a bit exhausting -in--er--' - -'_En masse_, sir?' - -'That's the word. A bit exhausting _en masse_.' - -'I must confess, sir, that that is how they used to strike me. In -my younger day, at the outset of my career, sir, I was at one time -page-boy in a school for young ladies.' - -'No, really? I never knew that before. I say, Jeeves--er--did -the--er--dear little souls _giggle_ much in your day?' - -'Practically without cessation, sir.' - -'Makes a fellow feel a bit of an ass, what? I shouldn't wonder if they -usedn't to stare at you from time to time, too, eh?' - -'At the school where I was employed, sir, the young ladies had a -regular game which they were accustomed to play when a male visitor -arrived. They would stare fixedly at him and giggle, and there was a -small prize for the one who made him blush first.' - -'Oh, no, I say, Jeeves, not really?' - -'Yes, sir. They derived great enjoyment from the pastime.' - -'I'd no idea small girls were such demons.' - -'More deadly than the male, sir.' - -Mr Wooster passed a handkerchief over his brow. - -'Well, we're going to have tea in a few minutes, Jeeves. I expect I -shall feel better after tea.' - -'We will hope so, sir.' - -But I was by no means sanguine. - - * * * * * - -I had an agreeable tea in the kitchen. The buttered toast was good and -the maids nice girls, though with little conversation. The parlourmaid, -who joined us towards the end of the meal, after performing her duties -in the school dining-room, reported that Mr Wooster was sticking it -pluckily, but seemed feverish. I went back to the stable-yard, and I -was just giving the car another look over when the young Mainwaring -child appeared. - -'Oh, I say,' she said, 'will you give this to Mr Wooster when you see -him?' She held out Mr Wooster's cigarette-case. 'He must have dropped -it somewhere. I say,' she proceeded, 'it's an awful lark. He's going to -give a lecture to the school.' - -'Indeed, miss?' - -'We love it when there are lectures. We sit and stare at the poor -dears, and try to make them dry up. There was a man last term who got -hiccoughs. Do you think Mr Wooster will get hiccoughs?' - -'We can but hope for the best, miss.' - -'It would be such a lark, wouldn't it?' - -'Highly enjoyable, miss.' - -'Well, I must be getting back. I want to get a front seat.' - -And she scampered off. An engaging child. Full of spirits. - -She had hardly gone when there was an agitated noise, and round the -corner came Mr Wooster. Perturbed. Deeply so. - -'Jeeves!' - -'Sir?' - -'Start the car!' - -'Sir?' - -'I'm off!' - -'Sir?' - -Mr Wooster danced a few steps. - -'Don't stand there saying "sir?" I tell you I'm off. Bally off! There's -not a moment to waste. The situation's desperate. Dash it, Jeeves, do -you know what's happened? The Tomlinson female has just sprung it on -me that I'm expected to make a speech to the girls! Got to stand up -there in front of the whole dashed collection and talk! I can just see -myself! Get that car going, Jeeves, dash it all. A little speed, a -little speed!' - -'Impossible, I fear, sir. The car is out of order.' - -Mr Wooster gaped at me. Very glassily he gaped. - -'Out of order!' - -'Yes, sir. Something is wrong. Trivial, perhaps, but possibly a matter -of some little time to repair.' Mr Wooster, being one of those easy -going young gentlemen who will drive a car but never take the trouble -to study its mechanism, I felt justified in becoming technical. 'I -think it is the differential gear, sir. Either that or the exhaust.' - -I am fond of Mr Wooster, and I admit I came very near to melting as I -looked at his face. He was staring at me in a sort of dumb despair that -would have touched anybody. - -'Then I'm sunk! Or'--a slight gleam of hope flickered across his drawn -features--'do you think I could sneak out and leg it across country, -Jeeves?' - -'Too late, I fear, sir.' I indicated with a slight gesture the -approaching figure of Miss Tomlinson, who was advancing with a serene -determination in his immediate rear. - -'Ah, there you are, Mr Wooster.' - -He smiled a sickly smile. - -'Yes--er--here I am!' - -'We are all waiting for you in the large schoolroom.' - -'But I say, look here,' said Mr Wooster, 'I--I don't know a bit what to -talk about.' - -'Why, anything, Mr Wooster. Anything that comes into your head. Be -bright,' said Miss Tomlinson. 'Bright and amusing.' - -'Oh, bright and amusing?' - -'Possibly tell them a few entertaining stories. But, at the same -time, do not neglect the graver note. Remember that my girls are on -the threshold of life, and will be eager to hear something brave and -helpful and stimulating--something which they can remember in after -years. But, of course, you know the sort of thing, Mr Wooster. Come. -The young people are waiting.' - - * * * * * - -I have spoken earlier of resource and the part it plays in the life -of a gentleman's personal gentleman. It is a quality peculiarly -necessary if one is to share in scenes not primarily designed for one's -cooperation. So much that is interesting in life goes on apart behind -closed doors that your gentleman's gentleman, if he is not to remain -hopelessly behind the march of events, should exercise his wits in -order to enable himself to be--if not a spectator--at least an auditor -when there is anything of interest toward. I deprecate as vulgar and -undignified the practice of listening at keyholes, but without lowering -myself to that, I have generally contrived to find a way. - -In the present case it was simple. The large schoolroom was situated on -the ground floor, with commodious French windows, which, as the weather -was clement, remained open throughout the proceedings. By stationing -myself behind a pillar on the porch or veranda which adjoined the room, -I was enabled to see and hear all. It was an experience which I should -be sorry to have missed. Mr Wooster, I may say at once, indubitably -excelled himself. - -Mr Wooster is a young gentleman with practically every desirable -quality except one. I do not mean brains, for in an employer brains are -not desirable. The quality to which I allude is hard to define, but -perhaps I might call it the gift of dealing with the Unusual Situation. -In the presence of the Unusual, Mr Wooster is too prone to smile weakly -and allow his eyes to protrude. He lacks Presence. I have often wished -that I had the power to bestow upon him some of the _savoir-faire_ of -a former employer of mine, Mr Montague-Todd, the well-known financier, -now in the second year of his sentence. I have known men call upon Mr -Todd with the express intention of horsewhipping him and go away half -an hour later laughing heartily and smoking one of his cigars. To Mr -Todd it would have been child's play to speak a few impromptu words to -a schoolroom full of young ladies; in fact, before he had finished, -he would probably have induced them to invest all their pocket-money -in one of his numerous companies; but to Mr Wooster it was plainly an -ordeal of the worst description. He gave one look at the young ladies, -who were all staring at him in an extremely unwinking manner, then -blinked and started to pick feebly at his coat-sleeve. His aspect -reminded me of that of a bashful young man who, persuaded against his -better judgement to go on the platform and assist a conjurer in his -entertainment, suddenly discovers that rabbits and hard-boiled eggs are -being taken out of the top of his head. - -The proceedings opened with a short but graceful speech of introduction -from Miss Tomlinson. - -'Girls,' said Miss Tomlinson, 'some of you have already met Mr -Wooster--Mr _Bertram_ Wooster, and you all, I hope, know him by -reputation.' Here, I regret to say, Mr Wooster gave a hideous, gurgling -laugh and, catching Miss Tomlinson's eye, turned a bright scarlet. -Miss Tomlinson resumed: 'He has very kindly consented to say a few -words to you before he leaves, and I am sure that you will all give him -your very earnest attention. Now, please.' - -She gave a spacious gesture with her right hand as she said the last -two words, and Mr Wooster, apparently under the impression that they -were addressed to him, cleared his throat and began to speak. But it -appeared that her remark was directed to the young ladies, and was -in the nature of a cue or signal, for she had no sooner spoken to -them than the whole school rose to its feet in a body and burst into -a species of chant, of which I am glad to say I remember the words, -though the tune eludes me. The words ran as follows: - - Many greetings to you! - Many greetings to you! - Many greetings, dear stranger, - Many greetings, - Many greetings, - Many greetings to you! - Many greetings to you! - To you! - -Considerable latitude of choice was given to the singers in the matter -of key, and there was little of what I might call co-operative effort. -Each child went on till she had reached the end, then stopped and -waited for the stragglers to come up. It was an unusual performance, -and I, personally, found it extremely exhilarating. It seemed to smite -Mr Wooster, however, like a blow. He recoiled a couple of steps and -flung up an arm defensively. Then the uproar died away, and an air -of expectancy fell upon the room. Miss Tomlinson directed a brightly -authoritative gaze upon Mr Wooster, and he blinked, gulped once or -twice, and tottered forward. - -'Well, you know--' he said. - -Then it seemed to strike him that this opening lacked the proper formal -dignity. - -'Ladies--' - -A silvery peal of laughter from the front row stopped him again. - -'Girls!' said Miss Tomlinson. She spoke in a low, soft voice, but the -effect was immediate. Perfect stillness instantly descended upon all -present. I am bound to say that, brief as my acquaintance with Miss -Tomlinson had been, I could recall few women I had admired more. She -had grip. - -I fancy that Miss Tomlinson had gauged Mr Wooster's oratorical -capabilities pretty correctly by this time, and had come to the -conclusion that little in the way of a stirring address was to be -expected from him. - -'Perhaps,' she said, 'as it is getting late, and he has not very much -time to spare, Mr Wooster will just give you some little word of advice -which may be helpful to you in after-life, and then we will sing the -school song and disperse to our evening lessons.' - -She looked at Mr Wooster. He passed a finger round the inside of his -collar. - -'Advice? After-life? What? Well, I don't know--' - -'Just some brief word of counsel, Mr Wooster,' said Miss Tomlinson -firmly. - -'Oh, well--Well, yes--Well--' It was painful to see Mr Wooster's brain -endeavouring to work. 'Well, I'll tell you something that's often done -_me_ a bit of good, and it's a thing not many people know. My old Uncle -Henry gave me the tip when I first came to London. "Never forget, my -boy," he said, "that, if you stand outside Romano's in the Strand, you -can see the clock on the wall of the Law Courts down in Fleet Street. -Most people who don't know don't believe it's possible, because there -are a couple of churches in the middle of the road, and you would think -they would be in the way. But you can, and it's worth knowing. You -can win a lot of money betting on it with fellows who haven't found -it out." And, by Jove, he was perfectly right, and it's a thing to -remember. Many a quid have I--' - -Miss Tomlinson gave a hard, dry cough, and he stopped in the middle of -a sentence. - -'Perhaps it will be better, Mr Wooster,' she said, in a cold, even -voice, 'if you were to tell my girls some little story. What you say -is, no doubt, extremely interesting, but perhaps a little--' - -'Oh, ah, yes,' said Mr Wooster. 'Story? Story?' He appeared completely -distraught, poor young gentleman. 'I wonder if you've heard the one -about the stockbroker and the chorus-girl?' - -'We will now sing the school song,' said Miss Tomlinson, rising like an -iceberg. - -I decided not to remain for the singing of the school song. It seemed -probable to me that Mr Wooster would shortly be requiring the car, so I -made my way back to the stable-yard, to be in readiness. - -I had not long to wait. In a very few moments he appeared, tottering. -Mr Wooster's is not one of those inscrutable faces which it is -impossible to read. On the contrary, it is a limpid pool in which is -mirrored each passing emotion. I could read it now like a book, and his -first words were very much on the lines I had anticipated. - -'Jeeves,' he said hoarsely, 'is that damned car mended yet?' - -'Just this moment, sir. I have been working on it assiduously.' - -'Then, for heaven's sake, let's go!' - -'But I understood that you were to address the young ladies, sir.' - -'Oh, I've done that!' responded Mr Wooster, blinking twice with -extraordinary rapidity. 'Yes, I've done that.' - -'It was a success, I hope, sir?' - -'Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Most extraordinarily successful. Went like a breeze. -But--er--I think I may as well be going. No use outstaying one's -welcome, what?' - -'Assuredly not, sir.' - -I had climbed into my seat and was about to start the engine, when -voices made themselves heard; and at the first sound of them Mr Wooster -sprang with almost incredible nimbleness into the tonneau, and when I -glanced round he was on the floor covering himself with a rug. The last -I saw of him was a pleading eye. - -'Have you seen Mr Wooster, my man?' - -Miss Tomlinson had entered the stable-yard, accompanied by a lady of, I -should say, judging from her accent, French origin. - -'No, madam.' - -The French lady uttered some exclamation in her native tongue. - -'Is anything wrong, madam?' I inquired. - -Miss Tomlinson in normal mood was, I should be disposed to imagine, -a lady who would not readily confide her troubles to the ear of a -gentleman's gentleman, however sympathetic his aspect. That she did so -now was sufficient indication of the depth to which she was stirred. - -'Yes, there is! Mademoiselle has just found several of the girls -smoking cigarettes in the shrubbery. When questioned, they stated that -Mr Wooster had given them the horrid things.' She turned. 'He must be -in the garden somewhere, or in the house. I think the man is out of his -senses. Come, mademoiselle!' - -It must have been about a minute later that Mr Wooster poked his head -out of the rug like a tortoise. - -'Jeeves!' - -'Sir?' - -'Get a move on! Start her up! Get going and _keep_ going!' - -I applied my foot to the self-starter. - -'It would perhaps be safest to drive carefully until we are out of -the school grounds, sir,' I said. 'I might run over one of the young -ladies, sir.' - -'Well, what's the objection to that?' demanded Mr Wooster with -extraordinary bitterness. - -'Or even Miss Tomlinson sir.' - -'Don't!' said Mr Wooster wistfully. 'You make my mouth water!' - - * * * * * - -'Jeeves,' said Mr Wooster, when I brought him his whisky and siphon one -night about a week later, 'this is dashed jolly.' - -'Sir?' - -'Jolly. Cosy and pleasant, you know. I mean, looking at the clock and -wondering if you're going to be late with the good old drinks, and then -you coming in with the tray always on time, never a minute late, and -shoving it down on the table and biffing off, and the next night coming -in and shoving it down and biffing off, and the next night--I mean, -gives you a sort of safe, restful feeling. Soothing! That's the word. -Soothing!' - -'Yes, sir. Oh, by the way, sir--' - -'Well?' - -'Have you succeeded in finding a suitable house yet, sir?' - -'House? What do you mean, house?' - -'I understood, sir, that it was your intention to give up the flat and -take a house of sufficient size to enable you to have your sister, Mrs -Scholfield, and her three young ladies to live with you.' - -Mr Wooster shuddered strongly. - -'That's off, Jeeves,' he said. - -'Very good, sir,' I replied. - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CARRY ON, JEEVES *** - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part -of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm -concept and trademark. 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Wodehouse</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online -at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you -are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the -country where you are located before using this eBook. -</div> - -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: Carry On, Jeeves</p> - -<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: P.G. Wodehouse</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: August 1, 2021 [eBook #65974]</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Character set encoding: UTF-8</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net</div> - -<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CARRY ON, JEEVES ***</div> - -<div class="figcenter x-ebookmaker-drop"> - <img src="images/illusc.jpg" alt=""/> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="titlepage"> - -<h1>Carry on, Jeeves</h1> - -<h2>P.G. Wodehouse</h2> - -<p>PENGUIN BOOKS</p> - -<p>Published by the Penguin Group<br /> -Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England<br /> -Penguin Putnam Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA<br /> -Penguin Books Australia Ltd, 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia<br /> -Penguin Books Canada Ltd, 10 Alcorn Avenue, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4V 3B2<br /> -Penguin Books India (P) Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi—110 017, India<br /> -Penguin Books (NZ) Ltd, Cnr Rosedale and Airborne Roads, Albany, Auckland, New Zealand<br /> -Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank 2196, South Africa<br /> -Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England</p> - -<p>www.penguin.com</p> - -<p>First published in Great Britain by Herbert Jenkins Ltd 1925<br /> -Published in Penguin Books 1957<br /> -This edition published 1999<br /> -30</p> - -<p>Copyright by the Trustees of the Wodehouse Estate<br /> -All rights reserved</p> - -<p>The moral right of the author has been asserted</p> - -<p>Set in 9/11pt Monotype Trump<br /> -Typeset by Rowland Phototypesetting Ltd,<br /> -Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk<br /> -Printed in England by Clays Ltd, St Ives plc</p> - -<p>Except in the United States of America, this book is sold subject to -the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, -re-sold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher's -prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in -which it is published and without a similar condition including this -condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser</p> - -<p>ISBN-13: 978-0-140-28408-9<br /> -ISBN-10: 0-140-28408-7</p> - -<p><i>All the characters in this book are<br /> -purely imaginary and have no relation whatsoever<br /> -to any living person or persons</i></p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p>TO BERNARD LE STRANGE</p> - -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3>Contents</h3> - -<table summary="contents"> -<tr><td align="left"><a href="#c1_Jeeves_Takes_Charge">1—Jeeves Takes Charge</a></td><td align="right">1</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><a href="#c2_The_Artistic_Career_of_Corky">2—The Artistic Career of Corky</a></td><td align="right">27</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><a href="#c3_Jeeves_and_the_Unbidden_Guest">3—Jeeves and the Unbidden Guest</a></td><td align="right">46</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><a href="#c4_Jeeves_and_the_Hard-Boiled_Egg">4—Jeeves and the Hard-Boiled Egg</a></td><td align="right">69</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><a href="#c5_The_Aunt_and_the_Sluggard">5—The Aunt and the Sluggard</a></td><td align="right">91</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><a href="#c6_The_Rummy_Affair_of_Old_Biffy">6—The Rummy Affair of Old Biffy</a></td><td align="right">121</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><a href="#c7_Without_the_Option">7—Without the Option</a></td><td align="right">148</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><a href="#c8_Fixing_it_for_Freddie">8—Fixing it for Freddie</a></td><td align="right">176</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><a href="#c9_Clustering_Round_Young_Bingo">9—Clustering Round Young Bingo</a></td><td align="right">198</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><a href="#c10_Bertie_Changes_his_Mind">10—Bertie Changes his Mind</a></td><td align="right">228</td></tr> -</table> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p><h3><a name="c1_Jeeves_Takes_Charge" id="c1_Jeeves_Takes_Charge">1—Jeeves Takes Charge</a></h3> - - -<p>Now, touching this business of old Jeeves—my man, you know—how do -we stand? Lots of people think I'm much too dependent on him. My Aunt -Agatha, in fact, has even gone so far as to call him my keeper. Well, -what I say is: Why not? The man's a genius. From the collar upward he -stands alone, I gave up trying to run my own affairs within a week of -his coming to me. That was about half a dozen years ago, directly after -the rather rummy business of Florence Craye, my Uncle Willoughby's -book, and Edwin, the Boy Scout.</p> - -<p>The thing really began when I got back to Easeby, my uncle's place in -Shropshire. I was spending a week or so there, as I generally did in -the summer; and I had had to break my visit to come back to London -to get a new valet. I had found Meadowes, the fellow I had taken to -Easeby with me, sneaking my silk socks, a thing no bloke of spirit -could stick at any price. It transpiring, moreover, that he had looted -a lot of other things here and there about the place, I was reluctantly -compelled to hand the misguided blighter the mitten and go to London -to ask the registry office to dig up another specimen for my approval. -They sent me Jeeves.</p> - -<p>I shall always remember the morning he came. It so happened that the -night before I had been present at a rather cheery little supper, and -I was feeling pretty rocky. On top of this I was trying to read a book -Florence Craye had given me. She had been one of the house-party at -Easeby, and two or three days before I left we had got engaged. I was -due back at the end of the week, and I knew she would expect me to -have finished<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span> the book by then. You see, she was particularly keen on -boosting me up a bit nearer her own plane of intellect. She was a girl -with a wonderful profile, but steeped to the gills in serious purpose. -I can't give you a better idea of the way things stood than by telling -you that the book she'd given me to read was called <i>Types of Ethical -Theory</i>, and that when I opened it at random I struck a page beginning:</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> -<p>The postulate or common understanding involved in speech is certainly -co-extensive, in the obligation it carries, with the social organism -of which language is the instrument, and the ends of which it is an -effort to subserve.</p></div> - -<p>All perfectly true, no doubt; but not the sort of thing to spring on a -lad with a morning head.</p> - -<p>I was doing my best to skim through this bright little volume when -the bell rang. I crawled off the sofa and opened the door. A kind of -darkish sort of respectful Johnnie stood without.</p> - -<p>'I was sent by the agency, sir,' he said. 'I was given to understand -that you required a valet.'</p> - -<p>I'd have preferred an undertaker; but I told him to stagger in, and -he floated noiselessly through the doorway like a healing zephyr. -That impressed me from the start. Meadowes had had flat feet and used -to clump. This fellow didn't seem to have any feet at all. He just -streamed in. He had a grave, sympathetic face, as if he, too, knew what -it was to sup with the lads.</p> - -<p>'Excuse me, sir,' he said gently.</p> - -<p>Then he seemed to flicker, and wasn't there any longer. I heard him -moving about in the kitchen, and presently he came back with a glass on -a tray.</p> - -<p>'If you would drink this, sir,' he said, with a kind of bedside manner, -rather like the royal doctor shooting the bracer into the sick prince. -'It is a little preparation of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span> my own invention. It is the Worcester -Sauce that gives it its colour. The raw egg makes it nutritious. The -red pepper gives it its bite. Gentlemen have told me they have found it -extremely invigorating after a late evening.'</p> - -<p>I would have clutched at anything that looked like a lifeline that -morning. I swallowed the stuff. For a moment I felt as if somebody had -touched off a bomb inside the old bean and was strolling down my throat -with a lighted torch, and then everything seemed suddenly to get all -right. The sun shone in through the window; birds twittered in the -tree-tops; and, generally speaking, hope dawned once more.</p> - -<p>'You're engaged!' I said, as soon as I could say anything.</p> - -<p>I perceived clearly that this cove was one of the world's workers, the -sort no home should be without.</p> - -<p>'Thank you, sir. My name is Jeeves.'</p> - -<p>'You can start in at once?'</p> - -<p>'Immediately, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Because I'm due down at Easeby, in Shropshire, the day after tomorrow.'</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir.' He looked past me at the mantelpiece. 'That is an -excellent likeness of Lady Florence Craye, sir. It is two years since -I saw her ladyship. I was at one time in Lord Worplesdon's employment. -I tendered my resignation because I could not see eye to eye with his -lordship in his desire to dine in dress trousers, a flannel shirt, and -a shooting coat.'</p> - -<p>He couldn't tell me anything I didn't know about the old boy's -eccentricity. This Lord Worplesdon was Florence's father. He was the -old buster who, a few years later, came down to breakfast one morning, -lifted the first cover he saw, said 'Eggs! Eggs! Eggs! Damn all eggs!' -in an overwrought sort of voice, and instantly legged it for France, -never to return to the bosom of his family. This, mind you, being a bit -of luck for the bosom of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span> family, for old Worplesdon had the worst -temper in the county.</p> - -<p>I had known the family ever since I was a kid, and from boyhood up this -old boy had put the fear of death into me. Time, the great healer, -could never remove from my memory the occasion when he found me—then -a stripling of fifteen—smoking one of his special cigars in the -stables. He got after me with a hunting-crop just at the moment when I -was beginning to realize that what I wanted most on earth was solitude -and repose, and chased me more than a mile across difficult country. -If there was a flaw, so to speak, in the pure joy of being engaged -to Florence, it was the fact that she rather took after her father, -and one was never certain when she might erupt. She had a wonderful -profile, though.</p> - -<p>'Lady Florence and I are engaged, Jeeves,' I said.</p> - -<p>'Indeed, sir?'</p> - -<p>You know, there was a kind of rummy something about his manner. -Perfectly all right and all that, but not what you'd call chirpy. -It somehow gave me the impression that he wasn't keen on Florence. -Well, of course, it wasn't my business. I supposed that while he had -been valeting old Worplesdon she must have trodden on his toes in -some way. Florence was a dear girl, and, seen sideways, most awfully -good-looking; but if she had a fault it was a tendency to be a bit -imperious with the domestic staff.</p> - -<p>At this point in the proceedings there was another ring at the front -door. Jeeves shimmered out and came back with a telegram. I opened it. -It ran:</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> -<p>Return immediately. Extremely urgent. Catch first train. Florence.</p></div> - -<p>'Rum!' I said.</p> - -<p>'Sir?'</p> - -<p>'Oh, nothing!'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p> - -<p>It shows how little I knew Jeeves in those days that I didn't go a -bit deeper into the matter with him. Nowadays I would never dream of -reading a rummy communication without asking him what he thought of -it. And this one was devilish odd. What I mean is, Florence knew I was -going back to Easeby the day after tomorrow, anyway; so why the hurry -call? Something must have happened, of course; but I couldn't see what -on earth it could be.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, 'we shall be going down to Easeby this afternoon. Can -you manage it?'</p> - -<p>'Certainly, sir.'</p> - -<p>'You can get your packing done and all that?'</p> - -<p>'Without any difficulty, sir. Which suit will you wear for the journey?'</p> - -<p>'This one.'</p> - -<p>I had on a rather sprightly young check that morning, to which I was a -good deal attached; I fancied it, in fact, more than a little. It was -perhaps rather sudden till you got used to it, but, nevertheless, an -extremely sound effort, which many lads at the club and elsewhere had -admired unrestrainedly.</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir.'</p> - -<p>Again there was that kind of rummy something in his manner. It was -the way he said it, don't you know. He didn't like the suit. I pulled -myself together to assert myself. Something seemed to tell me that, -unless I was jolly careful and nipped this lad in the bud, he would -be starting to boss me. He had the aspect of a distinctly resolute -blighter.</p> - -<p>Well, I wasn't going to have any of that sort of thing, by Jove! -I'd seen so many cases of fellows who had become perfect slaves to -their valets. I remember poor old Aubrey Fothergill telling me—with -absolute tears in his eyes, poor chap!—one night at the club, that -he had been compelled to give up a favourite pair of brown shoes -simply because Meekyn, his man, disapproved of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> them. You have to -keep these fellows in their place, don't you know. You have to work -the good old iron-hand-in-the-velvet-glove wheeze. If you give them a -what's-its-name, they take a thingummy.</p> - -<p>'Don't you like this suit, Jeeves?' I said coldly.</p> - -<p>'Oh, yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Well, what don't you like about it?'</p> - -<p>'It is a very nice suit, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Well, what's wrong with it? Out with it, dash it!'</p> - -<p>'If I might make the suggestion, sir, a simple brown or blue, with a -hint of some quiet twill—'</p> - -<p>'What absolute rot!'</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Perfectly blithering, my dear man!'</p> - -<p>'As you say, sir.'</p> - -<p>I felt as if I had stepped on the place where the last stair ought to -have been, but wasn't. I felt defiant, if you know what I mean, and -there didn't seem anything to defy.</p> - -<p>'All right, then,' I said.</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>And then he went away to collect his kit, while I started in again -on <i>Types of Ethical Theory</i> and took a stab at a chapter headed -'Idiopsychological Ethics'.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Most of the way down in the train that afternoon, I was wondering what -could be up at the other end. I simply couldn't see what could have -happened. Easeby wasn't one of those country houses you read about in -the society novels, where young girls are lured on to play baccarat and -then skinned to the bone of their jewellery, and so on. The house-party -I had left had consisted entirely of law-abiding birds like myself.</p> - -<p>Besides, my uncle wouldn't have let anything of that kind go on in his -house. He was a rather stiff, precise sort of old boy, who liked a -quiet life. He was just finishing a history of the family or something, -which he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span> had been working on for the last year, and didn't stir much -from the library. He was rather a good instance of what they say about -its being a good scheme for a fellow to sow his wild oats. I'd been -told that in his youth Uncle Willoughby had been a bit of a rounder. -You would never have thought it to look at him now.</p> - -<p>When I got to the house, Oakshott, the butler, told me that Florence -was in her room, watching her maid pack. Apparently there was a dance -on at a house about twenty miles away that night, and she was motoring -over with some of the Easeby lot and would be away some nights. -Oakshott said she had told him to tell her the moment I arrived; so I -trickled into the smoking-room and waited, and presently in she came. A -glance showed me that she was perturbed, and even peeved. Her eyes had -a goggly look, and altogether she appeared considerably pipped.</p> - -<p>'Darling!' I said, and attempted the good old embrace; but she -side-stepped like a bantam-weight.</p> - -<p>'Don't!'</p> - -<p>'What's the matter?'</p> - -<p>'Everything's the matter! Bertie, you remember asking me, when you -left, to make myself pleasant to your uncle?'</p> - -<p>'Yes.'</p> - -<p>The idea being, of course, that as at that time I was more or less -dependent on Uncle Willoughby I couldn't very well marry without his -approval. And though I knew he wouldn't have any objection to Florence, -having known her father since they were at Oxford together, I hadn't -wanted to take any chances; so I had told her to make an effort to -fascinate the old boy.</p> - -<p>'You told me it would please him particularly if I asked him to read me -some of his history of the family.'</p> - -<p>'Wasn't he pleased?'</p> - -<p>'He was delighted. He finished writing the thing yesterday afternoon, -and read me nearly all of it last<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span> night. I have never had such a shock -in my life. The book is an outrage. It is impossible. It is horrible!'</p> - -<p>'But, dash it, the family weren't so bad as all that.'</p> - -<p>'It is not a history of the family at all. Your uncle has written his -reminiscences! He calls them "Recollections of a Long Life"!'</p> - -<p>I began to understand. As I say, Uncle Willoughby had been somewhat on -the tabasco side as a young man, and it began to look as if he might -have turned out something pretty fruity if he had started recollecting -his long life.</p> - -<p>'If half of what he has written is true,' said Florence, 'your uncle's -youth must have been perfectly appalling. The moment we began to read -he plunged straight into a most scandalous story of how he and my -father were thrown out of a music-hall in 1887!'</p> - -<p>'Why?'</p> - -<p>'I decline to tell you why.'</p> - -<p>It must have been something pretty bad. It took a lot to make them -chuck people out of music-halls in 1887.</p> - -<p>'Your uncle specifically states that father had drunk a quart and a -half of champagne before beginning the evening,' she went on. 'The -book is full of stories like that. There is a dreadful one about Lord -Emsworth.'</p> - -<p>'Lord Emsworth? Not the one we know? Not the one at Blandings?'</p> - -<p>A most respectable old Johnnie, don't you know. Doesn't do a thing -nowadays but dig in the garden with a spud.</p> - -<p>'The very same. That is what makes the book so unspeakable. It is full -of stories about people one knows who are the essence of propriety -today, but who seem to have behaved, when they were in London in -the eighties, in a manner that would not have been tolerated in -the fo'c'sle of a whaler. Your uncle seems to remember everything -disgraceful that happened to anybody when he was in his early twenties. -There is a story about Sir Stanley Gervase-Gervase at Rosherville -Gardens which<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span> is ghastly in its perfection of detail. It seems that -Sir Stanley—but I can't tell you!'</p> - -<p>'Have a dash!'</p> - -<p>'No!'</p> - -<p>'Oh, well, I shouldn't worry. No publisher will print the book if it's -as bad as all that.'</p> - -<p>'On the contrary, your uncle told me that all negotiations are settled -with Riggs and Ballinger, and he's sending off the manuscript tomorrow -for immediate publication. They make a special thing of that sort of -book. They published Lady Carnaby's <i>Memories of Eighty Interesting -Years</i>.'</p> - -<p>'I read 'em!'</p> - -<p>'Well, then, when I tell you that Lady Carnaby's Memories are simply -not to be compared with your uncle's Recollections, you will understand -my state of mind. And father appears in nearly every story in the book! -I am horrified at the things he did when he was a young man!'</p> - -<p>'What's to be done?'</p> - -<p>'The manuscript must be intercepted before it reaches Riggs and -Ballinger, and destroyed!'</p> - -<p>I sat up.</p> - -<p>This sounded rather sporting.</p> - -<p>'How are you going to do it?' I inquired.</p> - -<p>'How can I do it? Didn't I tell you the parcel goes off tomorrow? I -am going to the Murgatroyds' dance tonight and shall not be back till -Monday. You must do it. That is why I telegraphed to you.'</p> - -<p>'What!'</p> - -<p>She gave me a look.</p> - -<p>'Do you mean to say you refuse to help me, Bertie?'</p> - -<p>'No; but—I say!'</p> - -<p>'It's quite simple.'</p> - -<p>'But even if I—What I mean is—Of course, anything I can do—but—if -you know what I mean—'</p> - -<p>'You say you want to marry me, Bertie?'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Yes, of course; but still—'</p> - -<p>For a moment she looked exactly like her old father.</p> - -<p>'I will never marry you if those Recollections are published.'</p> - -<p>'But, Florence, old thing!'</p> - -<p>'I mean it. You may look on it as a test, Bertie. If you have the -resource and courage to carry this thing through, I will take it as -evidence that you are not the vapid and shiftless person most people -think you. If you fail, I shall know that your Aunt Agatha was right -when she called you a spineless invertebrate and advised me strongly -not to marry you. It will be perfectly simple for you to intercept the -manuscript, Bertie. It only requires a little resolution.'</p> - -<p>'But suppose Uncle Willoughby catches me at it? He'd cut me off with a -bob.'</p> - -<p>'If you care more for your uncle's money than for me—'</p> - -<p>'No, no! Rather not!'</p> - -<p>'Very well, then. The parcel containing the manuscript will, of course, -be placed on the hall table tomorrow for Oakshott to take to the -village with the letters. All you have to do is to take it away and -destroy it. Then your uncle will think it has been lost in the post.'</p> - -<p>It sounded thin to me.</p> - -<p>'Hasn't he got a copy of it?'</p> - -<p>'No; it has not been typed. He is sending the manuscript just as he -wrote it.'</p> - -<p>'But he could write it over again.'</p> - -<p>'As if he would have the energy!'</p> - -<p>'But—'</p> - -<p>'If you are going to do nothing but make absurd objections, Bertie—'</p> - -<p>'I was only pointing things out.'</p> - -<p>'Well, don't! Once and for all, will you do me this quite simple act of -kindness?'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span></p> - -<p>The way she put it gave me an idea.</p> - -<p>'Why not get Edwin to do it? Keep it in the family, kind of, don't you -know. Besides, it would be a boon to the kid.'</p> - -<p>A jolly bright idea it seemed to me. Edwin was her young brother, who -was spending his holidays at Easeby. He was a ferret-faced kid, whom I -had disliked since birth. As a matter of fact, talking of Recollections -and Memories, it was young blighted Edwin who, nine years before, had -led his father to where I was smoking his cigar and caused all the -unpleasantness. He was fourteen now and had just joined the Boy Scouts. -He was one of those thorough kids, and took his responsibilities pretty -seriously. He was always in a sort of fever because he was dropping -behind schedule with his daily acts of kindness. However hard he tried, -he'd fall behind; and then you would find him prowling about the house, -setting such a clip to try and catch up with himself that Easeby was -rapidly becoming a perfect hell for man and beast.</p> - -<p>The idea didn't seem to strike Florence.</p> - -<p>'I shall do nothing of the kind, Bertie. I wonder you can't appreciate -the compliment I am paying you—trusting you like this.'</p> - -<p>'Oh, I see that all right, but what I mean is, Edwin would do it so -much better than I would. These Boy Scouts are up to all sorts of -dodges. They spoor, don't you know, and take cover and creep about, and -what-not.'</p> - -<p>'Bertie, will you or will you not do this perfectly trivial thing for -me? If not, say so now, and let us end this farce of pretending that -you care a snap of the fingers for me.'</p> - -<p>'Dear old soul, I love you devotedly!'</p> - -<p>'Then will you or will you not—'</p> - -<p>'Oh, all right,' I said. 'All right! All right! All right!'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span></p> - -<p>And then I tottered forth to think it over. I met Jeeves in the passage -just outside.</p> - -<p>'I beg your pardon, sir. I was endeavouring to find you.'</p> - -<p>'What's the matter?'</p> - -<p>'I felt that I should tell you, sir, that somebody has been putting -black polish on our brown walking shoes.'</p> - -<p>'What! Who? Why?'</p> - -<p>'I could not say, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Can anything be done with them?'</p> - -<p>'Nothing, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Damn!'</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir.'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I've often wondered since then how these murderer fellows manage to -keep in shape while they're contemplating their next effort. I had a -much simpler sort of job on hand, and the thought of it rattled me to -such an extent in the night watches that I was a perfect wreck next -day. Dark circles under the eyes—I give you my word! I had to call on -Jeeves to rally round with one of those life-savers of his.</p> - -<p>From breakfast on I felt like a bag-snatcher at a railway station. I -had to hang about waiting for the parcel to be put on the hall table, -and it wasn't put. Uncle Willoughby was a fixture in the library, -adding the finishing touches to the great work, I supposed, and the -more I thought the thing over the less I liked it. The chances against -my pulling it off seemed about three to two, and the thought of what -would happen if I didn't gave me cold shivers down the spine. Uncle -Willoughby was a pretty mild sort of old boy, as a rule, but I've known -him to cut up rough, and, by Jove, he was scheduled to extend himself -if he caught me trying to get away with his life work.</p> - -<p>It wasn't till nearly four that he toddled out of the library with the -parcel under his arm, put it on the table,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span> and toddled off again. -I was hiding a bit to the south-east at the moment, behind a suit -of armour. I bounded out and legged it for the table. Then I ripped -upstairs to hide the swag. I charged in like a mustang and nearly -stubbed my toe on young blighted Edwin, the Boy Scout. He was standing -at the chest of drawers, confound him, messing about with my ties.</p> - -<p>'Hallo!' he said.</p> - -<p>'What are you doing here?'</p> - -<p>'I'm tidying your room. It's my last Saturday's act of kindness.'</p> - -<p>'Last Saturday's.'</p> - -<p>'I'm five days behind. I was six till last night, but I polished your -shoes.'</p> - -<p>'Was it you—'</p> - -<p>'Yes. Did you see them? I just happened to think of it. I was in here, -looking round. Mr Berkeley had this room while you were away. He left -this morning. I thought perhaps he might have left something in it that -I could have sent on. I've often done acts of kindness that way.'</p> - -<p>'You must be a comfort to one and all!'</p> - -<p>It became more and more apparent to me that this infernal kid must -somehow be turned out eftsoons or right speedily. I had hidden the -parcel behind my back, and I didn't think he had seen it; but I wanted -to get at that chest of drawers quick, before anyone else came along.</p> - -<p>'I shouldn't bother about tidying the room,' I said.</p> - -<p>'I like tidying it. It's not a bit of trouble—really.'</p> - -<p>'But it's quite tidy now.'</p> - -<p>'Not so tidy as I shall make it.'</p> - -<p>This was getting perfectly rotten. I didn't want to murder the kid, and -yet there didn't seem any other way of shifting him. I pressed down the -mental accelerator. The old lemon throbbed fiercely. I got an idea.</p> - -<p>'There's something much kinder than that which you could do,' I said. -'You see that box of cigars? Take it<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span> down to the smoking-room and snip -off the ends for me. That would save me no end of trouble. Stagger -along, laddie.'</p> - -<p>He seemed a bit doubtful; but he staggered. I shoved the parcel into -a drawer, locked it, trousered the key, and felt better. I might be a -chump, but, dash it, I could out-general a mere kid with a face like a -ferret. I went downstairs again. Just as I was passing the smoking-room -door out curveted Edwin. It seemed to me that if he wanted to do a real -act of kindness he would commit suicide.</p> - -<p>'I'm snipping them,' he said.</p> - -<p>'Snip on! Snip on!'</p> - -<p>'Do you like them snipped much, or only a bit?'</p> - -<p>'Medium.'</p> - -<p>'All right. I'll be getting on, then.'</p> - -<p>'I should.'</p> - -<p>And we parted.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Fellows who know all about that sort of thing—detectives, and so -on—will tell you that the most difficult thing in the world is to get -rid of the body. I remember, as a kid, having to learn by heart a poem -about a bird by the name of Eugene Aram, who had the deuce of a job in -this respect. All I can recall of the actual poetry is the bit that -goes:</p> - -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse">Tum-tum, tum-tum, tum-tumty-tum,</div> - <div class="verse">I slew him, tum-tum tum!</div> -</div></div> - -<p>But I recollect that the poor blighter spent much of his valuable time -dumping the corpse into ponds and burying it, and what-not, only to -have it pop out at him again. It was about an hour after I had shoved -the parcel into the drawer when I realized that I had let myself in for -just the same sort of thing.</p> - -<p>Florence had talked in an airy sort of way about<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span> destroying the -manuscript; but when one came down to it, how the deuce can a chap -destroy a great chunky mass of paper in somebody else's house in the -middle of summer? I couldn't ask to have a fire in my bedroom, with the -thermometer in the eighties. And if I didn't burn the thing, how else -could I get rid of it? Fellows on the battlefield eat dispatches to -keep them from falling into the hands of the enemy, but it would have -taken me a year to eat Uncle Willoughby's Recollections.</p> - -<p>I'm bound to say the problem absolutely baffled me. The only thing -seemed to be to leave the parcel in the drawer and hope for the best.</p> - -<p>I don't know whether you have ever experienced it, but it's a dashed -unpleasant thing having a crime on one's conscience. Towards the end -of the day the mere sight of the drawer began to depress me. I found -myself getting all on edge; and once when Uncle Willoughby trickled -silently into the smoking-room when I was alone there and spoke to me -before I knew he was there, I broke the record for the sitting high -jump.</p> - -<p>I was wondering all the time when Uncle Willoughby would sit up and -take notice. I didn't think he would have time to suspect that anything -had gone wrong till Saturday morning, when he would be expecting, -of course, to get the acknowledgement of the manuscript from the -publishers. But early on Friday evening he came out of the library as -I was passing and asked me to step in. He was looking considerably -rattled.</p> - -<p>'Bertie,' he said—he always spoke in a precise sort of pompous kind -of way—'an exceedingly disturbing thing has happened. As you know, I -dispatched the manuscript of my book to Messrs Riggs and Ballinger, the -publishers, yesterday afternoon. It should have reached them by the -first post this morning. Why I should have been uneasy I cannot say, -but my mind was not altogether at rest respecting the safety of the -parcel. I therefore telephoned to Messrs Riggs and Ballinger a few<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span> -moments back to make inquiries. To my consternation they informed me -that they were not yet in receipt of my manuscript.'</p> - -<p>'Very rum!'</p> - -<p>'I recollect distinctly placing it myself on the hall table in good -time to be taken to the village. But here is a sinister thing. I have -spoken to Oakshott, who took the rest of the letters to the post -office, and he cannot recall seeing it there. He is, indeed, unswerving -in his assertions that when he went to the hall to collect the letters -there was no parcel among them.'</p> - -<p>'Sounds funny!'</p> - -<p>'Bertie, shall I tell you what I suspect?'</p> - -<p>'What's that?'</p> - -<p>'The suspicion will no doubt sound to you incredible, but it alone -seems to fit the facts as we know them. I incline to the belief that -the parcel has been stolen.'</p> - -<p>'Oh, I say! Surely not!'</p> - -<p>'Wait! Hear me out. Though I have said nothing to you before, or to -anyone else, concerning the matter, the fact remains that during the -past few weeks a number of objects—some valuable, others not—have -disappeared in this house. The conclusion to which one is irresistibly -impelled is that we have a kleptomaniac in our midst. It is a -peculiarity of kleptomania, as you are no doubt aware, that the subject -is unable to differentiate between the intrinsic values of objects. He -will purloin an old coat as readily as a diamond ring, or a tobacco -pipe costing but a few shillings with the same eagerness as a purse of -gold. The fact that this manuscript of mine could be of no possible -value to any outside person convinces me that—'</p> - -<p>'But, uncle, one moment; I know all about those things that were -stolen. It was Meadowes, my man, who pinched them. I caught him -snaffling my silk socks. Right in the act, by Jove!'</p> - -<p>He was tremendously impressed.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span></p> - -<p>'You amaze me, Bertie! Send for the man at once and question him.'</p> - -<p>'But he isn't here. You see, directly I found that he was a -sock-sneaker I gave him the boot. That's why I went to London—to get a -new man.'</p> - -<p>'Then, if the man Meadowes is no longer in the house it could not be he -who purloined my manuscript. The whole thing is inexplicable.'</p> - -<p>After which we brooded for a bit. Uncle Willoughby pottered about the -room, registering baffledness, while I sat sucking at a cigarette, -feeling rather like a chappie I'd once read about in a book, who -murdered another cove and hid the body under the dining-room table, and -then had to be the life and soul of a dinner party, with it there all -the time. My guilty secret oppressed me to such an extent that after -a while I couldn't stick it any longer. I lit another cigarette and -started for a stroll in the grounds, by way of cooling off.</p> - -<p>It was one of those still evenings you get in the summer, when you can -hear a snail clear its throat a mile away. The sun was sinking over -the hills and the gnats were fooling about all over the place, and -everything smelled rather topping—what with the falling dew and so -on—and I was just beginning to feel a little soothed by the peace of -it all when suddenly I heard my name spoken.</p> - -<p>'It's about Bertie.'</p> - -<p>It was the loathsome voice of young blighted Edwin! For a moment I -couldn't locate it. Then I realized that it came from the library. My -stroll had taken me within a few yards of the open window.</p> - -<p>I had often wondered how those Johnnies in books did it—I mean the -fellows with whom it was the work of a moment to do about a dozen -things that ought to have taken them about ten minutes. But, as a -matter of fact, it was the work of a moment with me to chuck away my -cigarette, swear a bit, leap about ten yards, dive into a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span> bush that -stood near the library window, and stand there with my ears flapping. I -was as certain as I've ever been of anything that all sorts of rotten -things were in the offing.</p> - -<p>'About Bertie?' I heard Uncle Willoughby say.</p> - -<p>'About Bertie and your parcel. I heard you talking to him just now. I -believe he's got it.'</p> - -<p>When I tell you that just as I heard these frightful words a fairly -substantial beetle of sorts dropped from the bush down the back of my -neck, and I couldn't even stir to squash the same, you will understand -that I felt pretty rotten. Everything seemed against me.</p> - -<p>'What do you mean, boy? I was discussing the disappearance of my -manuscript with Bertie only a moment back, and he professed himself as -perplexed by the mystery as myself.'</p> - -<p>'Well, I was in his room yesterday afternoon, doing him an act of -kindness, and he came in with a parcel. I could see it, though he -tried to keep it behind his back. And then he asked me to go to the -smoking-room and snip some cigars for him; and about two minutes -afterwards he came down—and he wasn't carrying anything. So it must be -in his room.'</p> - -<p>I understand they deliberately teach these dashed Boy Scouts to -cultivate their powers of observation and deduction and what-not. -Devilish thoughtless and inconsiderate of them, I call it. Look at the -trouble it causes.</p> - -<p>'It sounds incredible,' said Uncle Willoughby, thereby bucking me up a -trifle.</p> - -<p>'Shall I go and look in his room?' asked young blighted Edwin. 'I'm -sure the parcel's there.'</p> - -<p>'But what could be his motive for perpetrating this extraordinary -theft?'</p> - -<p>'Perhaps he's a—what you said just now.'</p> - -<p>'A kleptomaniac? Impossible!'</p> - -<p>'It might have been Bertie who took all those things<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span> from the very -start,' suggested the little brute hopefully. 'He may be like Raffles.'</p> - -<p>'Raffles?'</p> - -<p>'He's a chap in a book who went about pinching things.'</p> - -<p>'I cannot believe that Bertie would—ah—go about pinching things.'</p> - -<p>'Well, I'm sure he's got the parcel. I'll tell you what you might do. -You might say that Mr Berkeley wired that he had left something here. -He had Bertie's room, you know. You might say you wanted to look for -it.'</p> - -<p>'That would be possible. I—'</p> - -<p>I didn't wait to hear any more. Things were getting too hot. I sneaked -softly out of my bush and raced for the front door. I sprinted up to -my room and made for the drawer where I had put the parcel. And then -I found I hadn't the key. It wasn't for the deuce of a time that I -recollected I had shifted it to my evening trousers the night before -and must have forgotten to take it out again.</p> - -<p>Where the dickens were my evening things? I had looked all over the -place before I remembered that Jeeves must have taken them away to -brush. To leap at the bell and ring it was, with me, the work of a -moment. I had just rung it when there was a footstep outside, and in -came Uncle Willoughby.</p> - -<p>'Oh, Bertie,' he said, without a blush, 'I have—ah—received a -telegram from Berkeley, who occupied this room in your absence, asking -me to forward him his—er—his cigarette-case, which, it would appear, -he inadvertently omitted to take with him when he left the house. I -cannot find it downstairs; and it has, therefore, occurred to me that -he may have left it in this room. I will—er—just take a look round.'</p> - -<p>It was one of the most disgusting spectacles I've ever seen—this -white-haired old man, who should have been<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span> thinking of the hereafter, -standing there lying like an actor.</p> - -<p>'I haven't seen it anywhere,' I said.</p> - -<p>'Nevertheless, I will search. I must—ah—spare no effort.'</p> - -<p>'I should have seen it if it had been here—what?'</p> - -<p>'It may have escaped your notice. It is—er—possibly in one of the -drawers.'</p> - -<p>He began to nose about. He pulled out drawer after drawer, pottering -round like an old bloodhound, and babbling from time to time about -Berkeley and his cigarette-case in a way that struck me as perfectly -ghastly. I just stood there, losing weight every moment.</p> - -<p>Then he came to the drawer where the parcel was.</p> - -<p>'This appears to be locked,' he said, rattling the handle.</p> - -<p>'Yes; I shouldn't bother about that one. It—it's—er—locked, and all -that sort of thing.'</p> - -<p>'You have not the key?'</p> - -<p>A soft, respectful voice spoke behind me.</p> - -<p>'I fancy, sir, that this must be the key you require. It was in the -pocket of your evening trousers.'</p> - -<p>It was Jeeves. He had shimmered in, carrying my evening things, and was -standing there holding out the key. I could have massacred the man.</p> - -<p>'Thank you,' said my uncle.</p> - -<p>'Not at all, sir.'</p> - -<p>The next moment Uncle Willoughby had opened the drawer. I shut my eyes.</p> - -<p>'No,' said Uncle Willoughby, 'there is nothing here. The drawer -is empty. Thank you, Bertie. I hope I have not disturbed you. I -fancy—er—Berkeley must have taken his case with him after all.'</p> - -<p>When he had gone I shut the door carefully. Then I turned to Jeeves. -The man was putting my evening things out on a chair.</p> - -<p>'Er—Jeeves!'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Sir?'</p> - -<p>'Oh, nothing.'</p> - -<p>It was deuced difficult to know how to begin.</p> - -<p>'Er—Jeeves!'</p> - -<p>'Sir?'</p> - -<p>'Did you—Was there—Have you by chance—'</p> - -<p>'I removed the parcel this morning, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Oh—ah—why?'</p> - -<p>'I considered it more prudent, sir.'</p> - -<p>I mused for a while.</p> - -<p>'Of course, I suppose all this seems tolerably rummy to you, Jeeves?'</p> - -<p>'Not at all, sir. I chanced to overhear you and Lady Florence speaking -of the matter the other evening, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Did you, by Jove?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Well—er—Jeeves, I think that, on the whole, if you were to—as it -were—freeze on to that parcel until we get back to London—'</p> - -<p>'Exactly, sir.'</p> - -<p>'And then we might—er—so to speak—chuck it away somewhere—what?'</p> - -<p>'Precisely, sir.'</p> - -<p>'I'll leave it in your hands.'</p> - -<p>'Entirely, sir.'</p> - -<p>'You know, Jeeves, you're by way of being rather a topper.'</p> - -<p>'I endeavour to give satisfaction, sir.'</p> - -<p>'One in a million, by Jove!'</p> - -<p>'It is very kind of you to say so, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Well, that's about all, then, I think.'</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir.'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Florence came back on Monday. I didn't see her till we were all having -tea in the hall. It wasn't till the crowd had cleared away a bit that -we got a chance of having a word together.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Well, Bertie?' she said.</p> - -<p>'It's all right.'</p> - -<p>'You have destroyed the manuscript?'</p> - -<p>'Not exactly; but—'</p> - -<p>'What do you mean?'</p> - -<p>'I mean I haven't absolutely—'</p> - -<p>'Bertie, your manner is furtive!'</p> - -<p>'It's all right. It's this way—'</p> - -<p>And I was just going to explain how things stood when out of the -library came leaping Uncle Willoughby, looking as braced as a -two-year-old. The old boy was a changed man.</p> - -<p>'A most remarkable thing, Bertie! I have just been speaking with Mr -Riggs on the telephone, and he tells me he received my manuscript by -the first post this morning. I cannot imagine what can have caused the -delay. Our postal facilities are extremely inadequate in the rural -districts. I shall write to headquarters about it. It is insufferable -if valuable parcels are to be delayed in this fashion.'</p> - -<p>I happened to be looking at Florence's profile at the moment, and -at this juncture she swung round and gave me a look that went right -through me like a knife. Uncle Willoughby meandered back to the -library, and there was a silence that you could have dug bits out of -with a spoon.</p> - -<p>'I can't understand it,' I said at last. 'I can't understand it, by -Jove!'</p> - -<p>'I can. I can understand it perfectly, Bertie. Your heart failed you. -Rather than risk offending your uncle you—'</p> - -<p>'No, no! Absolutely!'</p> - -<p>'You preferred to lose me rather than risk losing the money. Perhaps -you did not think I meant what I said. I meant every word. Our -engagement is ended.'</p> - -<p>'But—I say!'</p> - -<p>'Not another word!'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></p> - -<p>'But, Florence, old thing!'</p> - -<p>'I do not wish to hear any more. I see now that your Aunt Agatha was -perfectly right. I consider that I have had a very lucky escape. There -was a time when I thought that, with patience, you might be moulded -into something worth while. I see now that you are impossible!'</p> - -<p>And she popped off, leaving me to pick up the pieces. When I had -collected the debris to some extent I went to my room and rang for -Jeeves. He came in looking as if nothing had happened or was ever going -to happen. He was the calmest thing in captivity.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves!' I yelled. 'Jeeves, that parcel has arrived in London!'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir?'</p> - -<p>'Did you send it?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir. I acted for the best, sir. I think that both you and Lady -Florence overestimated the danger of people being offended at being -mentioned in Sir Willoughby's Recollections. It has been my experience, -sir, that the normal person enjoys seeing his or her name in print, -irrespective of what is said about them. I have an aunt, sir, who a -few years ago was a martyr to swollen limbs. She tried Walkinshaw's -Supreme Ointment and obtained considerable relief—so much so that -she sent them an unsolicited testimonial. Her pride at seeing her -photograph in the daily papers in connexion with descriptions of her -lower limbs before taking, which were nothing less than revolting, was -so intense that it led me to believe that publicity, of whatever sort, -is what nearly everybody desires. Moreover, if you have ever studied -psychology, sir, you will know that respectable old gentlemen are by no -means averse to having it advertised that they were extremely wild in -their youth. I have an uncle—'</p> - -<p>I cursed his aunts and his uncles and him and all the rest of the -family.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Do you know that Lady Florence has broken off her engagement with me?'</p> - -<p>'Indeed, sir?'</p> - -<p>Not a bit of sympathy! I might have been telling him it was a fine day.</p> - -<p>'You're sacked!'</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir.'</p> - -<p>He coughed gently.</p> - -<p>'As I am no longer in your employment, sir, I can speak freely without -appearing to take a liberty. In my opinion you and Lady Florence were -quite unsuitably matched. Her ladyship is of a highly determined -and arbitrary temperament, quite opposed to your own. I was in Lord -Worplesdon's service for nearly a year, during which time I had -ample opportunities of studying her ladyship. The opinion of the -servants' hall was far from favourable to her. Her ladyship's temper -caused a good deal of adverse comment among us. It was at times quite -impossible. You would not have been happy, sir!'</p> - -<p>'Get out!'</p> - -<p>'I think you would also have found her educational methods a little -trying, sir. I have glanced at the book her ladyship gave you—it has -been lying on your table since our arrival—and it is, in my opinion, -quite unsuitable. You would not have enjoyed it. And I have it from her -ladyship's own maid, who happened to overhear a conversation between -her ladyship and one of the gentlemen staying here—Mr Maxwell, who is -employed in an editorial capacity by one of the reviews—that it was -her intention to start you almost immediately upon Nietzsche. You would -not enjoy Nietzsche, sir. He is fundamentally unsound.'</p> - -<p>'Get out!'</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir.'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>It's rummy how sleeping on a thing often makes you feel quite different -about it. It's happened to me over and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span> over again. Somehow or other, -when I woke next morning the old heart didn't feel half so broken as -it had done. It was a perfectly topping day, and there was something -about the way the sun came in at the window and the row the birds were -kicking up in the ivy that made me half wonder whether Jeeves wasn't -right. After all, though she had a wonderful profile, was it such a -catch being engaged to Florence Craye as the casual observer might -imagine? Wasn't there something in what Jeeves had said about her -character? I began to realize that my ideal wife was something quite -different, something a lot more clinging and drooping and prattling, -and what-not.</p> - -<p>I had got as far as this in thinking the thing out when that <i>Types of -Ethical Theory</i> caught my eye. I opened it, and I give you my honest -word this was what hit me:</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> -<p>Of the two antithetic terms in the Greek philosophy one only was real -and self-subsisting; and that one was Ideal Thought as opposed to -that which it has to penetrate and mould. The other, corresponding to -our Nature, was in itself phenomenal, unreal, without any permanent -footing, having no predicates that held true for two moments together; -in short, redeemed from negation only by including indwelling -realities appearing through.</p></div> - -<p>Well—I mean to say—what? And Nietzsche, from all accounts, a lot -worse than that!</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, when he came in with my morning tea, 'I've been -thinking it over. You're engaged again.'</p> - -<p>'Thank you, sir.'</p> - -<p>I sucked down a cheerful mouthful. A great respect for this bloke's -judgement began to soak through me.</p> - -<p>'Oh, Jeeves,' I said; 'about that check suit.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir?'</p> - -<p>'Is it really a frost?'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span></p> - -<p>'A trifle too bizarre, sir, in my opinion.'</p> - -<p>'But lots of fellows have asked me who my tailor is.'</p> - -<p>'Doubtless in order to avoid him, sir.'</p> - -<p>'He's supposed to be one of the best men in London.'</p> - -<p>'I am saying nothing against his moral character, sir.'</p> - -<p>I hesitated a bit. I had a feeling that I was passing into this -chappie's clutches, and that if I gave in now I should become just like -poor old Aubrey Fothergill, unable to call my soul my own. On the other -hand, this was obviously a cove of rare intelligence, and it would be a -comfort in a lot of ways to have him doing the thinking for me. I made -up my mind.</p> - -<p>'All right, Jeeves,' I said. 'You know! Give the bally thing away to -somebody!'</p> - -<p>He looked down at me like a father gazing tenderly at the wayward child.</p> - -<p>'Thank you, sir. I gave it to the under-gardener last night. A little -more tea, sir?'</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h3><a name="c2_The_Artistic_Career_of_Corky" id="c2_The_Artistic_Career_of_Corky">2—The Artistic Career of Corky</a></h3> - - -<p>You will notice, as you flit through these reminiscences of mine, that -from time to time the scene of action is laid in and around the city of -New York; and it is just possible that this may occasion the puzzled -look and the start of surprise. 'What,' it is possible that you may ask -yourselves, 'is Bertram doing so far from his beloved native land?'</p> - -<p>Well, it's a fairly longish story; but, reefing it down a bit and -turning it for the nonce into a two-reeler, what happened was that my -Aunt Agatha on one occasion sent me over to America to try to stop -young Gussie, my cousin, marrying a girl on the vaudeville stage, and -I got the whole thing so mixed up that I decided it would be a sound -scheme to stop on in New York for a bit instead of going back and -having long, cosy chats with her about the affair.</p> - -<p>So I sent Jeeves out to find a decent flat, and settled down for a -spell of exile.</p> - -<p>I'm bound to say New York's a most sprightly place to be exiled in. -Everybody was awfully good to me, and there seemed to be plenty of -things going on so, take it for all in all, I didn't undergo any -frightful hardships. Blokes introduced me to other blokes, and so on -and so forth, and it wasn't long before I knew squads of the right -sort, some who rolled in the stuff in houses up by the Park, and -others who lived with the gas turned down mostly around Washington -Square—artists and writers and so forth. Brainy coves.</p> - -<p>Corky, the bird I am about to treat of, was one of the artists. -A portrait-painter, he called himself, but as a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span> matter of fact -his score up to date had been nil. You see, the catch about -portrait-painting—I've looked into the thing a bit—is that you -can't start painting portraits till people come along and ask you to, -and they won't come and ask you to until you've painted a lot first. -This makes it kind of difficult, not to say tough, for the ambitious -youngster.</p> - -<p>Corky managed to get along by drawing an occasional picture for the -comic papers—he had rather a gift for funny stuff when he got a good -idea—and doing bedsteads and chairs and things for the advertisements. -His principal source of income, however, was derived from biting -the ear of a rich uncle—one Alexander Worple, who was in the jute -business. I'm a bit foggy as to what jute is, but it's apparently -something the populace is pretty keen on, for Mr Worple had made quite -an indecently large stack out of it.</p> - -<p>Now, a great many fellows think that having a rich uncle is a pretty -soft snap; but, according to Corky, such is not the case. Corky's uncle -was a robust sort of cove, who looked like living for ever. He was -fifty-one, and it seemed as if he might go to par. It was not this, -however, that distressed poor Corky, for he was not bigoted and had no -objection to the man going on living. What Corky kicked at was the way -the above Worple used to harry him.</p> - -<p>Corky's uncle, you see, didn't want him to be an artist. He didn't -think he had any talent in that direction. He was always urging him -to chuck Art and go into the jute business and start at the bottom -and work his way up. And what Corky said was that, while he didn't -know what they did at the bottom of a jute business, instinct told him -that it was something too beastly for words. Corky, moreover, believed -in his future as an artist. Some day, he said, he was going to make -a hit. Meanwhile, by using the utmost tact and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> persuasiveness, he -was inducing his uncle to cough up very grudgingly a small quarterly -allowance.</p> - -<p>He wouldn't have got this if his uncle hadn't had a hobby. Mr Worple -was peculiar in this respect. As a rule, from what I've observed, the -American captain of industry doesn't do anything out of business hours. -When he has put the cat out and locked up the office for the night, -he just relapses into a state of coma from which he emerges only to -start being a captain of industry again. But Mr Worple in his spare -time was what is known as an ornithologist. He had written a book -called <i>American Birds</i>, and was writing another, to be called <i>More -American Birds</i>. When he had finished that, the presumption was that -he would begin a third, and keep on till the supply of American birds -gave out. Corky used to go to him about once every three months and let -him talk about American birds. Apparently you could do what you liked -with old Worple if you gave him his head first on his pet subject, so -these little chats used to make Corky's allowance all right for the -time being. But it was pretty rotten for the poor chap. There was the -frightful suspense, you see, and, apart from that, birds, except when -broiled and in the society of a cold bottle, bored him stiff.</p> - -<p>To complete the character-study of Mr Worple, he was a man of extremely -uncertain temper, and his general tendency was to think that Corky was -a poor chump and that whatever step he took in any direction on his own -account was just another proof of his innate idiocy. I should imagine -Jeeves feels very much the same about me.</p> - -<p>So when Corky trickled into my apartment one afternoon, shooing a girl -in front of him, and said, 'Bertie, I want you to meet my fiancée, Miss -Singer,' the aspect of the matter which hit me first was precisely the -one which he had come to consult me about. The<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span> very first words I -spoke were, 'Corky, how about your uncle?'</p> - -<p>The poor chap gave one of those mirthless laughs. He was looking -anxious and worried, like a man who has done the murder all right but -can't think what the deuce to do with the body.</p> - -<p>'We're so scared, Mr Wooster,' said the girl. 'We were hoping that you -might suggest a way of breaking it to him.'</p> - -<p>Muriel Singer was one of those very quiet, appealing girls who have a -way of looking at you with their big eyes as if they thought you were -the greatest thing on earth and wondered that you hadn't got on to it -yet yourself. She sat there in a sort of shrinking way, looking at me -as if she were saying to herself, 'Oh, I do hope this great strong -man isn't going to hurt me.' She gave a fellow a protective kind of -feeling, made him want to stroke her hand and say, 'There, there, -little one!' or words to that effect. She made me feel that there -was nothing I wouldn't do for her. She was rather like one of those -innocent-tasting American drinks which creep imperceptibly into your -system so that, before you know what you're doing, you're starting out -to reform the world by force if necessary and pausing on your way to -tell the large man in the corner that, if he looks at you like that, -you will knock his head off. What I mean is, she made me feel alert and -dashing, like a knight-errant or something of that kind. I felt that I -was with her in this thing to the limit.</p> - -<p>'I don't see why your uncle shouldn't be most awfully bucked,' I said -to Corky. 'He will think Miss Singer the ideal wife for you.'</p> - -<p>Corky declined to cheer up.</p> - -<p>'You don't know him. Even if he did like Muriel, he wouldn't admit -it. That's the sort of pig-headed ass he is. It would be a matter of -principle with him to kick. All he would consider would be that I had -gone and taken an<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span> important step without asking his advice, and he -would raise Cain automatically. He's always done it.'</p> - -<p>I strained the old bean to meet this emergency.</p> - -<p>'You want to work it so that he makes Miss Singer's acquaintance -without knowing that you know her. Then you come along—'</p> - -<p>'But how can I work it that way?'</p> - -<p>I saw his point. That was the catch.</p> - -<p>'There's only one thing to do,' I said.</p> - -<p>'What's that?'</p> - -<p>'Leave it to Jeeves.'</p> - -<p>And I rang the bell.</p> - -<p>'Sir?' said Jeeves, kind of manifesting himself. One of the rummy -things about Jeeves is that, unless you watch like a hawk, you very -seldom see him come into a room. He's like one of those weird birds in -India who dissolve themselves into thin air and nip through space in a -sort of disembodied way and assemble the parts again just where they -want them. I've got a cousin who's what they call a Theosophist, and -he says he's often nearly worked the thing himself, but couldn't quite -bring it off, probably owing to having fed in his boyhood on the flesh -of animals slain in anger and pie.</p> - -<p>The moment I saw the man standing there, registering respectful -attention, a weight seemed to roll off my mind. I felt like a lost -child who spots his father in the offing.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, 'we want your advice.'</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir.'</p> - -<p>I boiled down Corky's painful case into a few well-chosen words.</p> - -<p>'So you see what it amounts to, Jeeves. We want you to suggest some way -by which Mr Worple can make Miss Singer's acquaintance without getting -on to the fact that Mr Corcoran already knows her. Understand?'</p> - -<p>'Perfectly, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Well, try to think of something.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p> - -<p>'I have thought of something already, sir.'</p> - -<p>'You have!'</p> - -<p>'The scheme I would suggest cannot fail of success, but it has what may -seem to you a drawback, sir, in that it requires a certain financial -outlay.'</p> - -<p>'He means,' I translated to Corky, 'that he has got a pippin of an -idea, but it's going to cost a bit.'</p> - -<p>Naturally the poor chap's face dropped, for this seemed to dish the -whole thing. But I was still under the influence of the girl's melting -gaze, and I saw that this was where I started in as the knight-errant.</p> - -<p>'You can count on me for all that sort of thing, Corky,' I said. 'Only -too glad. Carry on, Jeeves.'</p> - -<p>'I would suggest, sir, that Mr Corcoran take advantage of Mr Worple's -attachment to ornithology.'</p> - -<p>'How on earth did you know that he was fond of birds?'</p> - -<p>'It is the way these New York apartments are constructed, sir. Quite -unlike our London houses. The partitions between the rooms are of the -flimsiest nature. With no wish to overhear, I have sometimes heard Mr -Corcoran expressing himself with a generous strength on the subject I -have mentioned.'</p> - -<p>'Oh! Well?'</p> - -<p>'Why should not the young lady write a small volume, to be -entitled—let us say—<i>The Children's Book of American Birds</i> and -dedicate it to Mr Worple? A limited edition could be published at -your expense, sir, and a great deal of the book would, of course, be -given over to eulogistic remarks concerning Mr Worple's own larger -treatise on the same subject. I should recommend the dispatching of a -presentation copy to Mr Worple, immediately on publication, accompanied -by a letter in which the young lady asks to be allowed to make the -acquaintance of one to whom she owes so much. This would, I fancy, -produce the desired result, but as I say, the expense involved would be -considerable.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p> - -<p>I felt like the proprietor of a performing dog on the vaudeville stage -when the tyke has just pulled off his trick without a hitch. I had -betted on Jeeves all along, and I had known that he wouldn't let me -down. It beats me sometimes why a man with his genius is satisfied to -hang around pressing my clothes and what-not. If I had half Jeeves's -brain I should have a stab at being Prime Minister or something.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, 'that is absolutely ripping! One of your very best -efforts.'</p> - -<p>'Thank you, sir.'</p> - -<p>The girl made an objection.</p> - -<p>'But I'm sure I couldn't write a book about anything. I can't even -write good letters.'</p> - -<p>'Muriel's talents,' said Corky, with a little cough, 'lie more in the -direction of the drama, Bertie. I didn't mention it before, but one of -our reasons for being a trifle nervous as to how Uncle Alexander will -receive the news is that Muriel is in the chorus of that show <i>Choose -your Exit</i> at the Manhattan. It's absurdly unreasonable, but we both -feel that that fact might increase Uncle Alexander's natural tendency -to kick like a steer.'</p> - -<p>I saw what he meant. I don't know why it is—one of these psychology -sharps could explain it, I suppose—but uncles and aunts, as a class, -are always dead against the drama, legitimate or otherwise. They don't -seem able to stick it at any price.</p> - -<p>But Jeeves had a solution, of course.</p> - -<p>'I fancy it would be a simple matter, sir, to find some impecunious -author who would be glad to do the actual composition of the volume for -a small fee. It is only necessary that the young lady's name should -appear on the title page.'</p> - -<p>'That's true,' said Corky. 'Sam Patterson would do it for a hundred -dollars. He writes a novelette, three short stories, and ten thousand -words of a serial for one of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span> all-fiction magazines under different -names every month. A little thing like this would be nothing to him. -I'll get after him right away.'</p> - -<p>'Fine!'</p> - -<p>'Will that be all, sir?' said Jeeves. 'Very good, sir. Thank you, sir.'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I always used to think that publishers had to be devilish intelligent -fellows, loaded down with the grey matter; but I've got their number -now. All a publisher has to do is to write cheques at intervals, while -a lot of deserving and industrious chappies rally round and do the real -work. I know, because I've been one myself. I simply sat tight in the -old flat with a fountain-pen, and in due season a topping, shiny book -came along.</p> - -<p>I happened to be down at Corky's place when the first copies of <i>The -Children's Book of American Birds</i> bobbed up. Muriel Singer was there, -and we were talking of things in general when there was a bang at the -door and the parcel was delivered.</p> - -<p>It was certainly some book. It had a red cover with a fowl of some -species on it, and underneath the girl's name in gold letters. I opened -a copy at random.</p> - -<p>'Often of a spring morning,' it said at the top of page twenty-one, -'as you wander through the fields, you will hear the sweet-toned, -carelessly flowing warble of the purple finch linnet. When you are -older you must read all about him in Mr Alexander Worple's wonderful -book, <i>American Birds</i>.'</p> - -<p>You see. A boost for the uncle right away. And only a few pages later -there he was in the limelight again in connexion with the yellow-billed -cuckoo. It was great stuff. The more I read, the more I admired the -chap who had written it and Jeeves's genius in putting us on to the -wheeze. I didn't see how the uncle could fail to drop. You can't call a -chap the world's greatest authority on the yellow-billed cuckoo without -rousing<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span> a certain disposition towards chumminess in him.</p> - -<p>'It's a cert!' I said.</p> - -<p>'An absolute cinch!' said Corky.</p> - -<p>And a day or two later he meandered up the Avenue to my flat to tell me -that all was well. The uncle had written Muriel a letter so dripping -with the milk of human kindness that if he hadn't known Mr Worple's -handwriting Corky would have refused to believe him the author of it. -Any time it suited Miss Singer to call, said the uncle, he would be -delighted to make her acquaintance.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Shortly after this I had to go out of town. Divers sound sportsmen -had invited me to pay visits to their country places, and it wasn't -for several months that I settled down in the city again. I had been -wondering a lot, of course, about Corky, whether it all turned out -right, and so forth, and my first evening in New York, happening to -pop into a quiet sort of little restaurant which I go to when I don't -feel inclined for the bright lights, I found Muriel Singer there, -sitting by herself at a table near the door. Corky, I took it, was out -telephoning. I went up and passed the time of day.</p> - -<p>'Well, well, well, what?' I said.</p> - -<p>'Why, Mr Wooster! How do you do?'</p> - -<p>'Corky around?'</p> - -<p>'I beg your pardon?'</p> - -<p>'You're waiting for Corky, aren't you?'</p> - -<p>'Oh, I didn't understand. No, I'm not waiting for him.'</p> - -<p>It seemed to me that there was a sort of something in her voice, a kind -of thingummy, you know.</p> - -<p>'I say, you haven't had a row with Corky, have you?'</p> - -<p>'A row?'</p> - -<p>'A spat, don't you know—little misunderstanding—faults on both -sides—er—and all that sort of thing.'</p> - -<p>'Why, whatever makes you think that?'</p> - -<p>'Oh, well, as it were, what? What I mean is—I thought<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> you usually -dined with him before you went to the theatre.'</p> - -<p>'I've left the stage now.'</p> - -<p>Suddenly the whole thing dawned on me. I had forgotten what a long time -I had been away.</p> - -<p>'Why, of course, I see now! You're married!'</p> - -<p>'Yes.'</p> - -<p>'How perfectly topping! I wish you all kinds of happiness.'</p> - -<p>'Thank you so much. Oh, Alexander,' she said, looking past me, 'this is -a friend of mine—Mr Wooster.'</p> - -<p>I spun round. A bloke with a lot of stiff grey hair and a red sort -of healthy face was standing there. Rather a formidable Johnnie, he -looked, though peaceful at the moment.</p> - -<p>'I want you to meet my husband, Mr Wooster. Mr Wooster is a friend of -Bruce's, Alexander.'</p> - -<p>The old boy grasped my hand warmly, and that was all that kept me from -hitting the floor in a heap. The place was rocking. Absolutely.</p> - -<p>'So you know my nephew, Mr Wooster?' I heard him say. 'I wish you would -try to knock a little sense into him and make him quit this playing at -painting. But I have an idea that he is steadying down. I noticed it -first that night he came to dinner with us, my dear, to be introduced -to you. He seemed altogether quieter and more serious. Something seemed -to have sobered him. Perhaps you will give us the pleasure of your -company at dinner tonight, Mr Wooster? Or have you dined?'</p> - -<p>I said I had. What I needed then was air, not dinner. I felt that I -wanted to get into the open and think this thing out.</p> - -<p>When I reached my flat I heard Jeeves moving about in his lair. I -called him.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, 'now is the time for all good men to come to the aid -of the party. A stiff b-and-s first of all, and then I've a bit of news -for you.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p> - -<p>He came back with a tray and a long glass.</p> - -<p>'Better have one yourself, Jeeves. You'll need it.'</p> - -<p>'Later on, perhaps, thank you, sir.'</p> - -<p>'All right. Please yourself. But you're going to get a shock. You -remember my friend, Mr Corcoran?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>'And the girl who was to slide gracefully into his uncle's esteem by -writing the book on birds?'</p> - -<p>'Perfectly, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Well, she's slid. She's married the uncle.'</p> - -<p>He took it without blinking. You can't rattle Jeeves.</p> - -<p>'That was always a development to be feared, sir.'</p> - -<p>'You don't mean to tell me that you were expecting it?'</p> - -<p>'It crossed my mind as a possibility.'</p> - -<p>'Did it, by Jove! Well, I think you might have warned us!'</p> - -<p>'I hardly liked to take the liberty, sir.'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Of course, as I saw after I had had a bite to eat and was in a calmer -frame of mind, what had happened wasn't my fault, if you came down to -it. I couldn't be expected to foresee that the scheme, in itself a -cracker-jack, would skid into the ditch as it had done; but all the -same I'm bound to admit that I didn't relish the idea of meeting Corky -again until time, the great healer, had been able to get in a bit of -soothing work. I cut Washington Square out absolutely for the next few -months. I gave it the complete miss-in-baulk. And then, just when I -was beginning to think I might safely pop down in that direction and -gather up the dropped threads, so to speak, time, instead of working -the healing wheeze, went and pulled the most awful bone and put the lid -on it. Opening the paper one morning, I read that Mrs Alexander Worple -had presented her husband with a son and heir.</p> - -<p>I was so dashed sorry for poor old Corky that I hadn't<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span> the heart to -touch my breakfast. I was bowled over. Absolutely. It was the limit.</p> - -<p>I hardly knew what to do. I wanted, of course, to rush down to -Washington Square and grip the poor blighter silently by the hand; and -then, thinking it over, I hadn't the nerve. Absent treatment seemed the -touch. I gave it him in waves.</p> - -<p>But after a month or so I began to hesitate again. It struck me that -it was playing it a bit low-down on the poor chap, avoiding him like -this just when he probably wanted his pals to surge round him most. -I pictured him sitting in his lonely studio with no company but his -bitter thoughts, and the pathos of it got me to such an extent that I -bounded straight into a taxi and told the driver to go all out for the -studio.</p> - -<p>I rushed in, and there was Corky, hunched up at the easel, painting -away, while on the model throne sat a severe-looking female of middle -age, holding a baby.</p> - -<p>A fellow has to be ready for that sort of thing.</p> - -<p>'Oh, ah!' I said, and started to back out.</p> - -<p>Corky looked over his shoulder.</p> - -<p>'Hallo, Bertie. Don't go. We're just finishing for the day. That will -be all this afternoon,' he said to the nurse, who got up with the baby -and decanted it into a perambulator which was standing in the fairway.</p> - -<p>'At the same hour tomorrow, Mr Corcoran?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, please.'</p> - -<p>'Good afternoon.'</p> - -<p>'Good afternoon.'</p> - -<p>Corky stood there, looking at the door, and then he turned to me and -began to get it off his chest. Fortunately, he seemed to take it for -granted that I knew all about what had happened, so it wasn't as -awkward as it might have been.</p> - -<p>'It's my uncle's idea,' he said. 'Muriel doesn't know about it yet. The -portrait's to be a surprise for her on her birthday. The nurse takes -the kid out ostensibly to get a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span> breather, and they beat it down here. -If you want an instance of the irony of fate, Bertie, get acquainted -with this. Here's the first commission I have ever had to paint a -portrait, and the sitter is that human poached egg that has butted -in and bounced me out of my inheritance. Can you beat it! I call it -rubbing the thing in to expect me to spend my afternoons gazing into -the ugly face of a little brat who to all intents and purposes has hit -me behind the ear with a black-jack and swiped all I possess. I can't -refuse to paint the portrait, because if I did my uncle would stop my -allowance; yet every time I look up and catch that kid's vacant eye, -I suffer agonies. I tell you, Bertie, sometimes when he gives me a -patronizing glance and then turns away and is sick, as if it revolted -him to look at me, I come within an ace of occupying the entire front -page of the evening papers as the latest murder sensation. There are -moments when I can almost see the headlines: "Promising Young Artist -Beans Baby With Axe."'</p> - -<p>I patted his shoulder silently. My sympathy for the poor old scout was -too deep for words.</p> - -<p>I kept away from the studio for some time after that, because it didn't -seem right to me to intrude on the poor chappie's sorrow. Besides, I'm -bound to say that nurse intimidated me. She reminded me so infernally -of Aunt Agatha. She was the same gimlet-eyed type.</p> - -<p>But one afternoon Corky called me on the phone.</p> - -<p>'Bertie!'</p> - -<p>'Hallo?'</p> - -<p>'Are you doing anything this afternoon?'</p> - -<p>'Nothing special.'</p> - -<p>'You couldn't come down here, could you?'</p> - -<p>'What's the trouble? Anything up?'</p> - -<p>'I've finished the portrait.'</p> - -<p>'Good boy! Stout work!'</p> - -<p>'Yes.' His voice sounded rather doubtful. 'The fact is, Bertie, it -doesn't look quite right to me. There's<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span> something about it—My uncle's -coming in half an hour to inspect it, and—I don't know why it is, but -I kind of feel I'd like your moral support!'</p> - -<p>I began to see that I was letting myself in for something. The -sympathetic cooperation of Jeeves seemed to me to be indicated.</p> - -<p>'You think he'll cut up rough?'</p> - -<p>'He may.'</p> - -<p>I threw my mind back to the red-faced chappie I had met at the -restaurant, and tried to picture him cutting up rough. It was only too -easy. I spoke to Corky firmly on the telephone.</p> - -<p>'I'll come,' I said.</p> - -<p>'Good!'</p> - -<p>'But only if I may bring Jeeves.'</p> - -<p>'Why Jeeves? What's Jeeves got to do with it? Who wants Jeeves? Jeeves -is the fool who suggested the scheme that has led—'</p> - -<p>'Listen, Corky, old top! If you think I am going to face that uncle of -yours without Jeeves's support, you're mistaken. I'd sooner go into a -den of wild beasts and bite a lion on the back of the neck.'</p> - -<p>'Oh, all right,' said Corky. Not cordially, but he said it; so I rang -for Jeeves, and explained the situation.</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir,' said Jeeves.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>We found Corky near the door, looking at the picture with one hand up -in a defensive sort of way, as if he thought it might swing on him.</p> - -<p>'Stand right where you are, Bertie,' he said, without moving. 'Now, -tell me honestly, how does it strike you?'</p> - -<p>The light from the big window fell right on the picture. I took a good -look at it. Then I shifted a bit nearer and took another look. Then I -went back to where I had been at first, because it hadn't seemed quite -so bad from there.</p> - -<p>'Well?' said Corky anxiously.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span></p> - -<p>I hesitated a bit.</p> - -<p>'Of course, old man, I only saw the kid once, and then only for a -moment, but—but it <i>was</i> an ugly sort of kid, wasn't it, if I remember -rightly?'</p> - -<p>'As ugly as that?'</p> - -<p>I looked again, and honesty compelled me to be frank.</p> - -<p>'I don't see how it could have been, old chap.'</p> - -<p>Poor old Corky ran his fingers through his hair in a temperamental sort -of way. He groaned.</p> - -<p>'You're quite right, Bertie. Something's gone wrong with the darned -thing. My private impression is that, without knowing it, I've worked -that stunt that Sargent used to pull—painting the soul of the sitter. -I've got through the mere outward appearance, and have put the child's -soul on canvas.'</p> - -<p>'But could a child of that age have a soul like that? I don't see how -he could have managed it in the time. What do you think, Jeeves?'</p> - -<p>'I doubt it, sir.'</p> - -<p>'It—it sort of leers at you, doesn't it?'</p> - -<p>'You've noticed that, too?' said Corky.</p> - -<p>'I don't see how one could help noticing.'</p> - -<p>'All I tried to do was to give the little brute a cheerful expression. -But, as it has worked out, he looks positively dissipated.'</p> - -<p>'Just what I was going to suggest, old man. He looks as if he were in -the middle of a colossal spree, and enjoying every minute of it. Don't -you think so, Jeeves?'</p> - -<p>'He has a decidedly inebriated air, sir.'</p> - -<p>Corky was starting to say something, when the door opened and the uncle -came in.</p> - -<p>For about three seconds all was joy, jollity and goodwill. The old boy -shook hands with me, slapped Corky on the back, said he didn't think -he had ever seen such a fine day, and whacked his leg with his stick. -Jeeves had projected himself into the background, and he didn't notice -him.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Well, Bruce, my boy; so the portrait is really finished, is it—really -finished? Well, bring it out. Let's have a look at it. This will be a -wonderful surprise for your aunt. Where is it? Let's—'</p> - -<p>And then he got it—suddenly, when he wasn't set for the punch; and he -rocked back on his heels.</p> - -<p>'Oosh!' he exclaimed. And for perhaps a minute there was one of the -scaliest silences I've ever run up against.</p> - -<p>'Is this a practical joke?' he said at last, in a way that set about -sixteen draughts cutting through the room at once.</p> - -<p>I thought it was up to me to rally round old Corky.</p> - -<p>'You want to stand a bit farther away from it,' I said.</p> - -<p>'You're perfectly right!' he snorted. 'I do! I want to stand so far -away from it that I can't see the thing with a telescope!' He turned -on Corky like an untamed tiger of the jungle who has just located a -chunk of meat. 'And this—this—is what you have been wasting your -time and my money for all these years! A painter! I wouldn't let you -paint a house of mine. I gave you this commission, thinking that you -were a competent worker, and this—this—this extract from a comic -supplement is the result!' He swung towards the door, lashing his tail -and growling to himself. 'This ends it. If you wish to continue this -foolery of pretending to be an artist because you want an excuse for -idleness, please yourself. But let me tell you this. Unless you report -at my office on Monday morning, prepared to abandon all this idiocy -and start in at the bottom of the business to work your way up, as you -should have done half a dozen years ago, not another cent—not another -cent—not another—Boosh!'</p> - -<p>Then the door closed and he was no longer with us. And I crawled out of -the bomb-proof shelter.</p> - -<p>'Corky, old top!' I whispered faintly.</p> - -<p>Corky was standing staring at the picture. His face was set. There was -a hunted look in his eye.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Well, that finishes it!' he muttered brokenly.</p> - -<p>'What are you going to do?'</p> - -<p>'Do? What can I do? I can't stick on here if he cuts off supplies. You -heard what he said. I shall have to go to the office on Monday.'</p> - -<p>I couldn't think of a thing to say. I knew exactly how he felt about -the office. I don't know when I've been so infernally uncomfortable. It -was like hanging round trying to make conversation to a pal who's just -been sentenced to twenty years in quod.</p> - -<p>And then a soothing voice broke the silence.</p> - -<p>'If I might make a suggestion, sir!'</p> - -<p>It was Jeeves. He had slid from the shadows and was gazing gravely -at the picture. Upon my word, I can't give you a better idea of the -shattering effect of Corky's Uncle Alexander when in action than by -saying that he had absolutely made me forget for the moment that Jeeves -was there.</p> - -<p>'I wonder if I have ever happened to mention to you, sir, a Mr Digby -Thistleton, with whom I was once in service? Perhaps you have met him? -He was a financier. He is now Lord Bridgworth. It was a favourite -saying of his that there is always a way. The first time I heard him -use the expression was after the failure of a patent depilatory which -he promoted.'</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, 'what on earth are you talking about?'</p> - -<p>'I mentioned Mr Thistleton, sir, because his was in some respects a -parallel case to the present one. His depilatory failed, but he did -not despair. He put it on the market again under the name of Hair-o, -guaranteed to produce a full crop of hair in a few months. It was -advertised, if you remember, sir, by a humorous picture of a billiard -ball, before and after taking, and made such a substantial fortune that -Mr Thistleton was soon afterwards elevated to the peerage for services -to his Party. It seems to me that, if Mr Corcoran looks into the -matter, he will find, like Mr Thistleton, that there is<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> always a way. -Mr Worple himself suggested the solution of the difficulty. In the heat -of the moment he compared the portrait to an extract from a coloured -comic supplement. I consider the suggestion a very valuable one, sir. -Mr Corcoran's portrait may not have pleased Mr Worple as a likeness of -his only child, but I have no doubt that editors would gladly consider -it as a foundation for a series of humorous drawings. If Mr Corcoran -will allow me to make the suggestion, his talent has always been for -the humorous. There is something about this picture—something bold and -vigorous, which arrests the attention. I feel sure it would be highly -popular.'</p> - -<p>Corky was glaring at the picture, and making a sort of dry, sucking -noise with his mouth. He seemed completely overwrought.</p> - -<p>And then suddenly he began to laugh in a wild way.</p> - -<p>'Corky, old man!' I said, massaging him tenderly. I feared the poor -blighter was hysterical.</p> - -<p>He began to stagger about all over the floor.</p> - -<p>'He's right! The man's absolutely right! Jeeves, you're a life-saver. -You've hit on the greatest idea of the age. Report at the office on -Monday! Start at the bottom of the business! I'll buy the business if I -feel like it. I know the man who runs the comic section of the <i>Sunday -Star</i>. He'll eat this thing. He was telling me only the other day how -hard it was to get a good new series. He'll give me anything I ask for -a real winner like this. I've got a gold mine. Where's my hat? I've -got an income for life! Where's that confounded hat? Lend me a five, -Bertie. I want to take a taxi down to Park Row!'</p> - -<p>Jeeves smiled paternally. Or, rather, he had a kind of paternal -muscular spasm about the mouth, which is the nearest he ever gets to -smiling.</p> - -<p>'If I might make the suggestion, Mr Corcoran—for a title of the series -which you have in mind—"The Adventures of Baby Blobbs".'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span></p> - -<p>Corky and I looked at the picture, then at each other in an awed way. -Jeeves was right. There could be no other title.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said. It was a few weeks later, and I had just finished -looking at the comic section of the <i>Sunday Star</i>. 'I'm an optimist. I -always have been. The older I get, the more I agree with Shakespeare -and those poet Johnnies about it always being darkest before the dawn -and there's a silver lining and what you lose on the swings you make -up on the roundabouts. Look at Mr Corcoran, for instance. There was a -fellow, one would have said, clear up to the eyebrows in the soup. To -all appearances he had got it right in the neck. Yet look at him now. -Have you seen these pictures?'</p> - -<p>'I took the liberty of glancing at them before bringing them to you, -sir. Extremely diverting.'</p> - -<p>'They have made a big hit, you know.'</p> - -<p>'I anticipated it, sir.'</p> - -<p>I leaned back against the pillows.</p> - -<p>'You know, Jeeves, you're a genius. You ought to be drawing a -commission on these things.'</p> - -<p>'I have nothing to complain of in that respect, sir. Mr Corcoran has -been most generous. I am putting out the brown suit, sir.'</p> - -<p>'No, I think I'll wear the blue with the faint red stripe.'</p> - -<p>'Not the blue with the faint red stripe, sir.'</p> - -<p>'But I rather fancy myself in it.'</p> - -<p>'Not the blue with the faint red stripe, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Oh, all right, have it your own way.'</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir. Thank you, sir.'</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h3><a name="c3_Jeeves_and_the_Unbidden_Guest" id="c3_Jeeves_and_the_Unbidden_Guest">3—Jeeves and the Unbidden Guest</a></h3> - - -<p>I'm not absolutely certain of my facts, but I rather fancy it's -Shakespeare—or, if not, it's some equally brainy bird—who says that -it's always just when a fellow is feeling particularly braced with -things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with the bit of lead -piping. And what I'm driving at is that the man is perfectly right. -Take, for instance, the business of Lady Malvern and her son Wilmot. -That was one of the scaliest affairs I was ever mixed up with, and a -moment before they came into my life I was just thinking how thoroughly -all right everything was.</p> - -<p>I was still in New York when the thing started, and it was about -the time of year when New York is at its best. It was one of those -topping mornings, and I had just climbed out from under the cold -shower, feeling like a million dollars. As a matter of fact, what was -bucking me up more than anything was the fact that the day before I -had asserted myself with Jeeves—absolutely asserted myself, don't you -know. You see, the way things had been going on I was rapidly becoming -a dashed serf. The man had jolly well oppressed me. I didn't so much -mind when he made me give up one of my new suits, because Jeeves's -judgement about suits is sound and can generally be relied upon.</p> - -<p>But I as near as a toucher rebelled when he wouldn't let me wear a pair -of cloth-topped boots which I loved like a couple of brothers. And, -finally, when he tried to tread on me like a worm in the matter of a -hat, I put the Wooster foot down and showed him in no uncertain manner -who was who.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span></p> - -<p>It's a long story, and I haven't time to tell you now, but the nub of -the thing was that he wanted me to wear the White House Wonder—as worn -by President Coolidge—when I had set my heart on the Broadway Special, -much patronized by the Younger Set; and the end of the matter was that, -after a rather painful scene, I bought the Broadway Special. So that's -how things were on this particular morning, and I was feeling pretty -manly and independent.</p> - -<p>Well, I was in the bathroom, wondering what there was going to be -for breakfast while I massaged the spine with a rough towel and sang -slightly, when there was a tap at the door. I stopped singing and -opened the door an inch.</p> - -<p>'What ho, without there!' I said.</p> - -<p>'Lady Malvern has called, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Eh?'</p> - -<p>'Lady Malvern, sir. She is waiting in the sitting-room.'</p> - -<p>'Pull yourself together, Jeeves, my man,' I said rather severely, for I -bar practical jokes before breakfast. 'You know perfectly well there's -no one waiting for me in the sitting-room. How could there be when it's -barely ten o'clock yet?'</p> - -<p>'I gathered from her ladyship, sir, that she had landed from an ocean -liner at an early hour this morning.'</p> - -<p>This made the thing a bit more plausible. I remembered that when I -had arrived in America about a year before, the proceedings had begun -at some ghastly hour like six, and that I had been shot out on to a -foreign shore considerably before eight.</p> - -<p>'Who the deuce is Lady Malvern, Jeeves?'</p> - -<p>'Her ladyship did not confide in me, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Is she alone?'</p> - -<p>'Her ladyship is accompanied by a Lord Pershore, sir. I fancy that his -lordship would be her ladyship's son.'</p> - -<p>'Oh, well, put out rich raiment of sorts, and I'll be dressing.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Our heather-mixture lounge is in readiness, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Then lead me to it.'</p> - -<p>While I was dressing I kept trying to think who on earth Lady Malvern -could be. It wasn't till I had climbed through the top of my shirt and -was reaching out for the studs that I remembered.</p> - -<p>'I've placed her, Jeeves. She's a pal of my Aunt Agatha.'</p> - -<p>'Indeed, sir?'</p> - -<p>'Yes. I met her at lunch one Sunday before I left London. A very -vicious specimen. Writes books. She wrote a book on social conditions -in India when she came back from the Durbar.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir? Pardon me, sir, but not that tie.'</p> - -<p>'Eh?'</p> - -<p>'Not that tie with the heather-mixture lounge, sir.'</p> - -<p>It was a shock to me. I thought I had quelled the fellow. It was rather -a solemn moment. What I mean is, if I weakened now, all my good work -the night before would be thrown away. I braced myself.</p> - -<p>'What's wrong with this tie? I've seen you give it a nasty look before. -Speak out like a man! What's the matter with it?'</p> - -<p>'Too ornate, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Nonsense! A cheerful pink. Nothing more.'</p> - -<p>'Unsuitable, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Jeeves, this is the tie I wear!'</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir.'</p> - -<p>Dashed unpleasant. I could see that the man was wounded. But I was -firm. I tied the tie, got into the coat and waistcoat, and went into -the sitting-room.</p> - -<p>'Hullo-ullo-ullo!' I said. 'What?'</p> - -<p>'Ah! How do you do, Mr Wooster? You have never met my son Wilmot, I -think? Motty, darling, this is Mr Wooster.'</p> - -<p>Lady Malvern was a hearty, happy, healthy, overpowering sort of dashed -female, not so very tall but<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span> making up for it by measuring about six -feet from the O. P. to the Prompt Side. She fitted into my biggest -arm-chair as if it had been built round her by someone who knew they -were wearing arm-chairs tight about the hips that season. She had -bright, bulging eyes and a lot of yellow hair, and when she spoke she -showed about fifty-seven front teeth. She was one of those women who -kind of numb a fellow's faculties. She made me feel as if I were ten -years old and had been brought into the drawing-room in my Sunday -clothes to say how-d'you-do. Altogether by no means the sort of thing a -chappie would wish to find in his sitting-room before breakfast.</p> - -<p>Motty, the son, was about twenty-three, tall and thin and meek-looking. -He had the same yellow hair as his mother, but he wore it plastered -down and parted in the middle. His eyes bulged, too, but they weren't -bright. They were a dull grey with pink rims. His chin gave up the -struggle about half-way down, and he didn't appear to have any -eyelashes. A mild, furtive, sheepish sort of blighter, in short.</p> - -<p>'Awfully glad to see you,' I said, though this was far from the case, -for already I was beginning to have a sort of feeling that dirty work -was threatening in the offing. 'So you've popped over, eh? Making a -long stay in America?'</p> - -<p>'About a month. Your aunt gave me your address and told me to be sure -to call on you.'</p> - -<p>I was glad to hear this, for it seemed to indicate that Aunt Agatha -was beginning to come round a bit. As I believe I told you before, -there had been some slight unpleasantness between us, arising from the -occasion when she had sent me over to New York to disentangle my cousin -Gussie from the clutches of a girl on the music-hall stage. When I tell -you that by the time I had finished my operations Gussie had not only -married the girl but had gone on the Halls himself and was doing<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span> well, -you'll understand that relations were a trifle strained between aunt -and nephew.</p> - -<p>I simply hadn't dared go back and face her, and it was a relief to -find that time had healed the wound enough to make her tell her pals -to call on me. What I mean is, much as I liked America, I didn't want -to have England barred to me for the rest of my natural; and, believe -me, England is a jolly sight too small for anyone to live in with Aunt -Agatha, if she's really on the war-path. So I was braced at hearing -these words and smiled genially on the assemblage.</p> - -<p>'Your aunt said that you would do anything that was in your power to be -of assistance to us.'</p> - -<p>'Rather! Oh, rather. Absolutely.'</p> - -<p>'Thank you so much. I want you to put dear Motty up for a little while.'</p> - -<p>I didn't get this for a moment.</p> - -<p>'Put him up? For my clubs?'</p> - -<p>'No, no! Darling Motty is essentially a home bird. Aren't you, Motty, -darling?'</p> - -<p>Motty, who was sucking the knob of his stick, uncorked himself.</p> - -<p>'Yes, mother,' he said, and corked himself up again.</p> - -<p>'I should not like him to belong to clubs. I mean put him up here. Have -him to live with you while I am away.'</p> - -<p>These frightful words trickled out of her like honey. The woman simply -didn't seem to understand the ghastly nature of her proposal. I gave -Motty the swift east-to-west. He was sitting with his mouth nuzzling -the stick, blinking at the wall. The thought of having this planted on -me for an indefinite period appalled me. Absolutely appalled me, don't -you know. I was just starting to say that the shot wasn't on the board -at any price, and that the first sign Motty gave of trying to nestle -into my little home I would yell for the police, when she went on, -rolling placidly over me, as it were.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span></p> - -<p>There was something about this woman that sapped one's will-power.</p> - -<p>'I am leaving New York by the midday train, as I have to pay a visit -to Sing-Sing prison. I am extremely interested in prison conditions -in America. After that I work my way gradually across to the coast, -visiting the points of interest on the journey. You see, Mr Wooster, -I am in America principally on business. No doubt you read my book, -<i>India and the Indians</i>? My publishers are anxious for me to write a -companion volume on the United States. I shall not be able to spend -more than a month in the country, as I have to get back for the season, -but a month should be ample. I was less than a month in India, and my -dear friend Sir Roger Cremorne wrote his <i>America from Within</i> after a -stay of only two weeks. I should love to take dear Motty with me, but -the poor boy gets so sick when he travels by train. I shall have to -pick him up on my return.'</p> - -<p>From where I sat I could see Jeeves in the dining-room, laying the -breakfast-table. I wished I could have had a minute with him alone. -I felt certain that he would have been able to think of some way of -putting a stop to this woman.</p> - -<p>'It will be such a relief to know that Motty is safe with you, Mr -Wooster. I know what the temptations of a great city are. Hitherto dear -Motty has been sheltered from them. He has lived quietly with me in the -country. I know that you will look after him carefully, Mr Wooster. -He will give very little trouble.' She talked about the poor blighter -as if he wasn't there. Not that Motty seemed to mind. He had stopped -chewing his walking-stick and was sitting there with his mouth open. -'He is a vegetarian and a teetotaller and is devoted to reading. Give -him a nice book and he will be quite contented.' She got up. 'Thank -you so much, Mr Wooster. I don't know what I should have done without -your help. Come, Motty. We have just time to see a few<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span> of the sights -before my train goes. But I shall have to rely on you for most of my -information about New York, darling. Be sure to keep your eyes open and -take notes of your impressions. It will be such a help. Good-bye, Mr -Wooster. I will send Motty back early in the afternoon.'</p> - -<p>They went out, and I howled for Jeeves.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves!'</p> - -<p>'Sir?'</p> - -<p>'What's to be done? You heard it all, didn't you? You were in the -dining-room most of the time. That pill is coming to stay here.'</p> - -<p>'Pill, sir?'</p> - -<p>'The excrescence.'</p> - -<p>'I beg your pardon, sir?'</p> - -<p>I looked at Jeeves sharply. This sort of thing wasn't like him. Then I -understood. The man was really upset about that tie. He was trying to -get his own back.</p> - -<p>'Lord Pershore will be staying here from tonight, Jeeves,' I said -coldly.</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir. Breakfast is ready, sir.'</p> - -<p>I could have sobbed into the bacon and eggs. That there wasn't any -sympathy to be got out of Jeeves was what put the lid on it. For a -moment I almost weakened and told him to destroy the hat and tie if he -didn't like them, but I pulled myself together again. I was dashed if I -was going to let Jeeves treat me like a bally one-man chain-gang.</p> - -<p>But, what with brooding on Jeeves and brooding on Motty, I was in a -pretty reduced sort of state. The more I examined the situation, the -more blighted it became. There was nothing I could do. If I slung Motty -out, he would report to his mother, and she would pass it on to Aunt -Agatha, and I didn't like to think what would happen then. Sooner or -later I should be wanting to go back to England, and I didn't want -to get there and find Aunt Agatha waiting on the quay for me with a -stuffed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span> eelskin. There was absolutely nothing for it but to put the -fellow up and make the best of it.</p> - -<p>About midday Motty's luggage arrived, and soon afterwards a large -parcel of what I took to be nice books. I brightened up a little when -I saw it. It was one of those massive parcels and looked as if it -had enough in it to keep him busy for a year. I felt a trifle more -cheerful, and I got my Broadway Special and stuck it on my head, and -gave the pink tie a twist, and reeled out to take a bite of lunch -with one or two of the lads at a neighbouring hostelry; and what with -excellent browsing and sluicing and cheery conversation and what-not, -the afternoon passed quite happily. By dinner-time I had almost -forgotten Motty's existence.</p> - -<p>I dined at the club and looked in at a show afterwards, and it wasn't -till fairly late that I got back to the flat. There were no signs of -Motty, and I took it that he had gone to bed.</p> - -<p>It seemed rummy to me, though, that the parcel of nice books was still -there with the string and paper on it. It looked as if Motty, after -seeing mother off at the station, had decided to call it a day.</p> - -<p>Jeeves came in with the nightly whisky and soda. I could tell by the -chappie's manner that he was still upset.</p> - -<p>'Lord Pershore gone to bed, Jeeves?' I asked, with reserved hauteur and -what-not.</p> - -<p>'No sir. His lordship has not yet returned.'</p> - -<p>'Not returned? What do you mean?'</p> - -<p>'His lordship came in shortly after six-thirty, and, having dressed, -went out again.'</p> - -<p>At this moment there was a noise outside the front door, a sort of -scrabbling noise, as if somebody were trying to paw his way through the -woodwork. Then a sort of thud.</p> - -<p>'Better go and see what that is, Jeeves.'</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p> - -<p>He went out and came back again.</p> - -<p>'If you would not mind stepping this way sir, I think we might be able -to carry him in.'</p> - -<p>'Carry him in?'</p> - -<p>'His lordship is lying on the mat, sir.'</p> - -<p>I went to the front door. The man was right. There was Motty huddled up -outside on the floor. He was moaning a bit.</p> - -<p>'He's had some sort of dashed fit,' I said. I took another look. -'Jeeves! Someone's been feeding him meat!'</p> - -<p>'Sir?'</p> - -<p>'He's a vegetarian, you know. He must have been digging into a steak or -something. Call up a doctor!'</p> - -<p>'I hardly think it will be necessary, sir. If you would take his -lordship's legs, while I—'</p> - -<p>'Great Scott, Jeeves! You don't think—he can't be—'</p> - -<p>'I am inclined to think so, sir.'</p> - -<p>And, by Jove, he was right! Once on the right track, you couldn't -mistake it. Motty was under the surface. Completely sozzled.</p> - -<p>It was the deuce of a shock.</p> - -<p>'You never can tell, Jeeves!'</p> - -<p>'Very seldom, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Remove the eye of authority and where are you?'</p> - -<p>'Precisely, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Where is my wandering boy tonight and all that sort of thing, what?'</p> - -<p>'It would seem so, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Well, we had better bring him in, eh?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>So we lugged him in, and Jeeves put him to bed, and I lit a cigarette -and sat down to think the thing over. I had a kind of foreboding. It -seemed to me that I had let myself in for something pretty rocky.</p> - -<p>Next morning, after I had sucked down a thoughtful cup of tea, I went -into Motty's room to investigate. I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span> expected to find the fellow a -wreck, but there he was, sitting up in bed, quite chirpy, reading -<i>Gingery Stories</i>.</p> - -<p>'What ho!' I said.</p> - -<p>'What ho!' said Motty.</p> - -<p>'What ho! What ho!'</p> - -<p>'What ho! What ho! What ho!'</p> - -<p>After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation.</p> - -<p>'How are you feeling this morning?' I asked.</p> - -<p>'Topping!' replied Motty, blithely and with abandon. 'I say, you know, -that fellow of yours—Jeeves, you know—is a corker. I had a most -frightful headache when I woke up, and he brought me a sort of rummy -dark drink, and it put me right again at once. Said it was his own -invention. I must see more of that lad. He seems to me distinctly one -of the ones.'</p> - -<p>I couldn't believe that this was the same blighter who had sat and -sucked his stick the day before.</p> - -<p>'You ate something that disagreed with you last night, didn't you?' I -said, by way of giving him a chance to slide out of it if he wanted to. -But he wouldn't have it at any price.</p> - -<p>'No!' he replied firmly. 'I didn't do anything of the kind. I drank -too much. Much too much. Lots and lots too much. And, what's more, I'm -going to do it again. I'm going to do it every night. If ever you see -me sober, old top,' he said, with a kind of holy exaltation, 'tap me -on the shoulder and say, "Tut! Tut!" and I'll apologize and remedy the -defect.'</p> - -<p>'But I say, you know, what about me?'</p> - -<p>'What about you?'</p> - -<p>'Well, I'm, so to speak, as it were, kind of responsible for you. What -I mean to say is, if you go doing this sort of thing I'm apt to get in -the soup somewhat.'</p> - -<p>'I can't help your troubles,' said Motty firmly. 'Listen to me, old -thing: this is the first time in my life that I've had a real chance to -yield to the temptations of a great<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> city. What's the use of a great -city having temptations if fellows don't yield to them? Makes it so -bally discouraging for the great city. Besides, mother told me to keep -my eyes open and collect impressions.'</p> - -<p>I sat on the edge of the bed. I felt dizzy.</p> - -<p>'I know just how you feel, old dear,' said Motty consolingly. 'And, -if my principles would permit it, I would simmer down for your sake. -But duty first! This is the first time I've been let out alone, and I -mean to make the most of it. We're only young once. Why interfere with -life's morning? Young man, rejoice in thy youth! Tra-la! What ho!'</p> - -<p>Put like that, it did seem reasonable.</p> - -<p>'All my bally life, dear boy,' Motty went on, 'I've been cooped up in -the ancestral home at Much Middlefold, in Shropshire, and till you've -been cooped up in Much Middlefold you don't know what cooping is. The -only time we get any excitement is when one of the choir-boys is caught -sucking chocolate during the sermon. When that happens, we talk about -it for days. I've got about a month of New York, and I mean to store -up a few happy memories for the long winter evenings. This is my only -chance to collect a past, and I'm going to do it. Now tell me, old -sport, as man to man, how does one get in touch with that very decent -bird Jeeves? Does one ring a bell or shout a bit? I should like to -discuss the subject of a good stiff b-and-s with him.'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I had had a sort of vague idea, don't you know, that if I stuck close -to Motty and went about the place with him, I might act as a bit of a -damper on the gaiety. What I mean is, I thought that if, when he was -being the life and soul of the party, he were to catch my reproving eye -he might ease up a trifle on the revelry. So the next night I took him -along to supper with me. It was the last time. I'm a quiet, peaceful -sort of bloke who has lived all his life in London, and I can't stand -the pace these swift<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span> sportsmen from the rural districts set. What I -mean to say is, I'm all for rational enjoyment and so forth, but I -think a chappie makes himself conspicuous when he throws soft-boiled -eggs at the electric fan. And decent mirth and all that sort of thing -are all right, but I do bar dancing on tables and having to dash all -over the place dodging waiters, managers, and chuckers-out, just when -you want to sit still and digest.</p> - -<p>Directly I managed to tear myself away that night and get home, I made -up my mind that this was jolly well the last time that I went about -with Motty. The only time I met him late at night after that was once -when I passed the door of a fairly low-down sort of restaurant and had -to step aside to dodge him as he sailed through the air <i>en route</i> for -the opposite pavement, with a muscular sort of looking fellow peering -out after him with a kind of gloomy satisfaction.</p> - -<p>In a way, I couldn't help sympathizing with the chap. He had about -four weeks to have the good time that ought to have been spread over -about ten years, and I didn't wonder at his wanting to be pretty busy. -I should have been just the same in his place. Still, there was no -denying that it was a bit thick. If it hadn't been for the thought of -Lady Malvern and Aunt Agatha in the background, I should have regarded -Motty's rapid work with an indulgent smile. But I couldn't get rid of -the feeling that, sooner or later, I was the lad who was scheduled -to get it behind the ear. And what with brooding on this prospect, -and sitting up in the old flat waiting for the familiar footstep, and -putting it to bed when it got there, and stealing into the sick-chamber -next morning to contemplate the wreckage, I was beginning to lose -weight. Absolutely becoming the good old shadow, I give you my honest -word. Starting at sudden noises and what-not.</p> - -<p>And no sympathy from Jeeves. That was what cut me to the quick. The man -was still thoroughly pipped about<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span> the hat and tie, and simply wouldn't -rally round. One morning I wanted comforting so much that I sank the -pride of the Woosters and appealed to the fellow direct.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, 'this is getting a bit thick!'</p> - -<p>'Sir?'</p> - -<p>'You know what I mean. This lad seems to have chucked all the -principles of a well-spent boyhood. He has got it up his nose!'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Well, I shall get blamed, don't you know. You know what my Aunt Agatha -is.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Very well, then.'</p> - -<p>I waited a moment, but he wouldn't unbend.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, 'haven't you any scheme up your sleeve for coping -with this blighter?'</p> - -<p>'No, sir.'</p> - -<p>And he shimmered off to his lair. Obstinate devil! So dashed absurd, -don't you know. It wasn't as if there was anything wrong with that -Broadway Special hat. It was a remarkably priceless effort, and much -admired by the lads. But, just because he preferred the White House -Wonder, he left me flat.</p> - -<p>It was shortly after this that young Motty got the idea of bringing -pals back in the small hours to continue the gay revels in the home. -This was where I began to crack under the strain. You see, the part -of town where I was living wasn't the right place for that sort of -thing. I knew lots of chappies down Washington Square way who started -the evening at about two a.m.—artists and writers and so forth who -frolicked considerably till checked by the arrival of the morning -milk. That was all right. They like that sort of thing down there. The -neighbours can't get to sleep unless there's someone dancing Hawaiian -dances over their heads. But on Fifty-seventh Street the atmosphere -wasn't right, and when Motty turned up at three in the morning with a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span> -collection of hearty lads, who only stopped singing their college song -when they started singing 'The Old Oaken Bucket', there was a marked -peevishness among the old settlers in the flats. The management was -extremely terse over the telephone at breakfast-time, and took a lot of -soothing.</p> - -<p>The next night I came home early, after a lonely dinner at a place -which I'd chosen because there didn't seem any chance of meeting Motty -there. The sitting-room was quite dark, and I was just moving to switch -on the light, when there was a sort of explosion and something collared -hold of my trouser-leg. Living with Motty had reduced me to such an -extent that I was simply unable to cope with this thing. I jumped -backward with a loud yell of anguish, and tumbled out into the hall -just as Jeeves came out of his den to see what the matter was.</p> - -<p>'Did you call, sir?'</p> - -<p>'Jeeves! There's something in there that grabs you by the leg!'</p> - -<p>'That would be Rollo, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Eh?'</p> - -<p>'I would have warned you of his presence, but I did not hear you come -in. His temper is a little uncertain at present, as he has not yet -settled down.'</p> - -<p>'Who the deuce is Rollo?'</p> - -<p>'His lordship's bull-terrier, sir. His lordship won him in a raffle, -and tied him to the leg of the table. If you will allow me, sir, I will -go in and switch on the light.'</p> - -<p>There really is nobody like Jeeves. He walked straight into the -sitting-room, the biggest feat since Daniel and the lions' den, without -a quiver. What's more, his magnetism or whatever they call it was such -that the dashed animal, instead of pinning him by the leg, calmed down -as if he had had a bromide, and rolled over on his back with all his -paws in the air. If Jeeves had been his rich uncle he couldn't have -been more<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span> chummy. Yet directly he caught sight of me again, he got all -worked up and seemed to have only one idea in life—to start chewing me -where he had left off.</p> - -<p>'Rollo is not used to you yet, sir,' said Jeeves, regarding the bally -quadruped in an admiring sort of way. 'He is an excellent watch-dog.'</p> - -<p>'I don't want a watch-dog to keep me out of my rooms.'</p> - -<p>'No, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Well, what am I to do?'</p> - -<p>'No doubt in time the animal will learn to discriminate, sir. He will -learn to distinguish your peculiar scent.'</p> - -<p>'What do you mean—my peculiar scent? Correct the impression that I -intend to hang about in the hall while life slips by, in the hope that -one of these days that dashed animal will decide that I smell all -right.' I thought for a bit. 'Jeeves!'</p> - -<p>'Sir?'</p> - -<p>'I'm going away—tomorrow morning by the first train. I shall go and -stop with Mr Todd in the country.'</p> - -<p>'Do you wish me to accompany you, sir?'</p> - -<p>'No.'</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir.'</p> - -<p>'I don't know when I shall be back. Forward my letters.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>As a matter of fact, I was back within the week. Rocky Todd, the pal I -went to stay with, is a rummy sort of a chap who lives all alone in the -wilds of Long Island, and likes it; but a little of that sort of thing -goes a long way with me. Dear old Rocky is one of the best, but after -a few days in his cottage in the woods, miles away from anywhere, New -York, even with Motty on the premises, began to look pretty good to me. -The days down on Long Island have forty-eight hours in them, you can't -get to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span> sleep at night because of the bellowing of the crickets; and -you have to walk two miles for a drink and six for an evening paper. I -thanked Rocky for his kind hospitality, and caught the only train they -have down in those parts. It landed me in New York about dinner-time. -I went straight to the old flat. Jeeves came out of his lair. I looked -round cautiously for Rollo.</p> - -<p>'Where's that dog, Jeeves? Have you got him tied up?'</p> - -<p>'The animal is no longer here, sir. His lordship gave him to the -porter, who sold him. His lordship took a prejudice against the animal -on account of being bitten by him in the calf of the leg.'</p> - -<p>I don't think I've ever been so bucked by a bit of news. I felt I had -misjudged Rollo. Evidently, when you got to know him better, he had a -lot of good in him.</p> - -<p>'Fine!' I said. 'Is Lord Pershore in, Jeeves?'</p> - -<p>'No, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Do you expect him back to dinner?'</p> - -<p>'No, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Where is he?'</p> - -<p>'In prison, sir.'</p> - -<p>'In prison!'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>'You don't mean—in prison?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>I lowered myself into a chair.</p> - -<p>'Why?' I said.</p> - -<p>'He assaulted a constable, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Lord Pershore assaulted a constable!'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>I digested this.</p> - -<p>'But, Jeeves, I say! This is frightful!'</p> - -<p>'Sir?'</p> - -<p>'What will Lady Malvern say when she finds out?'</p> - -<p>'I do not fancy that her ladyship will find out, sir.'</p> - -<p>'But she'll come back and want to know where he is.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span></p> - -<p>'I rather fancy, sir, that his lordship's bit of time will have run out -by then.'</p> - -<p>'But supposing it hasn't?'</p> - -<p>'In that event, sir, it may be judicious to prevaricate a little.'</p> - -<p>'How?'</p> - -<p>'If I might make the suggestion, sir, I should inform her ladyship that -his lordship has left for a short visit to Boston.'</p> - -<p>'Why Boston?'</p> - -<p>'Very interesting and respectable centre, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Jeeves, I believe you've hit it.'</p> - -<p>'I fancy so, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Why, this is really the best thing that could have happened. If this -hadn't turned up to prevent him, young Motty would have been in a -sanatorium by the time Lady Malvern got back.'</p> - -<p>'Exactly, sir.'</p> - -<p>The more I looked at it in that way, the sounder this prison wheeze -seemed to me. There was no doubt in the world that prison was just what -the doctor ordered for Motty. It was the only thing that could have -pulled him up. I was sorry for the poor blighter, but after all, I -reflected, a fellow who had lived all his life with Lady Malvern, in a -small village in the interior of Shropshire, wouldn't have much to kick -at in a prison. Altogether, I began to feel absolutely braced again. -Life became like what the poet Johnnie says—one grand, sweet song. -Things went on so comfortably and peacefully for a couple of weeks that -I give you my word that I'd almost forgotten such a person as Motty -existed. The only flaw in the scheme of things was that Jeeves was -still pained and distant. It wasn't anything he said, or did, mind you, -but there was a rummy something about him all the time. Once when I was -tying the pink tie I caught sight of him in the looking-glass. There -was a kind of grieved look in his eye.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span></p> - -<p>And then Lady Malvern came back, a good bit ahead of schedule. I hadn't -been expecting her for days. I'd forgotten how time had been slipping -along. She turned up one morning while I was still in bed sipping tea -and thinking of this and that. Jeeves flowed in with the announcement -that he had just loosed her into the sitting-room. I draped a few -garments round me and went in.</p> - -<p>There she was, sitting in the same arm-chair, looking as massive as -ever. The only difference was that she didn't uncover the teeth as she -had done the first time.</p> - -<p>'Good morning,' I said. 'So you've got back, what?'</p> - -<p>'I have got back.'</p> - -<p>There was something sort of bleak about her tone, rather as if she had -swallowed an east wind. This I took to be due to the fact that she -probably hadn't breakfasted. It's only after a bit of breakfast that -I'm able to regard the world with that sunny cheeriness which makes -a fellow the universal favourite. I'm never much of a lad till I've -engulfed an egg or two and a beaker of coffee.</p> - -<p>'I suppose you haven't breakfasted?'</p> - -<p>'I have not yet breakfasted.'</p> - -<p>'Won't you have an egg or something? Or a sausage or something? Or -something?'</p> - -<p>'No, thank you.'</p> - -<p>She spoke as if she belonged to an anti-sausage society or a league for -the suppression of eggs. There was a bit of a silence.</p> - -<p>'I called on you last night,' she said, 'but you were out.'</p> - -<p>'Awfully sorry. Had a pleasant trip?'</p> - -<p>'Extremely, thank you.'</p> - -<p>'See everything? Niagara Falls, Yellowstone Park, and the jolly old -Grand Canyon, and what-not?'</p> - -<p>'I saw a great deal.'</p> - -<p>There was another slightly <i>frappé</i> silence. Jeeves<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span> floated silently -into the dining-room and began to lay the breakfast-table.</p> - -<p>'I hope Wilmot was not in your way, Mr Wooster?'</p> - -<p>I had been wondering when she was going to mention Motty.</p> - -<p>'Rather not! Great pals. Hit it off splendidly.'</p> - -<p>'You were his constant companion, then?'</p> - -<p>'Absolutely. We were always together. Saw all the sights, don't you -know. We'd take in the Museum of Art in the morning, and have a bit of -lunch at some good vegetarian place, and then toddle along to a sacred -concert in the afternoon, and home to an early dinner. We usually -played dominoes after dinner. And then the early bed and the refreshing -sleep. We had a great time. I was awfully sorry when he went away to -Boston.'</p> - -<p>'Oh! Wilmot is in Boston?'</p> - -<p>'Yes. I ought to have let you know, but of course we didn't know where -you were. You were dodging all over the place like a snipe—I mean, -don't you know, dodging all over the place, and we couldn't get at you. -Yes, Motty went off to Boston.'</p> - -<p>'You're sure he went to Boston?'</p> - -<p>'Oh, absolutely.' I called out to Jeeves, who was now messing about in -the next room with forks and so forth: 'Jeeves, Lord Pershore didn't -change his mind about going to Boston, did he?'</p> - -<p>'No, sir.'</p> - -<p>'I thought I was right. Yes, Motty went to Boston.'</p> - -<p>'Then how do you account, Mr Wooster, for the fact that when I went -yesterday afternoon to Blackwell's Island prison, to secure material -for my book, I saw poor, dear Wilmot there, dressed in a striped suit, -seated beside a pile of stones with a hammer in his hands?'</p> - -<p>I tried to think of something to say, but nothing came. A fellow has -to be a lot broader about the forehead than I am to handle a jolt like -this. I strained the old bean till it creaked, but between the collar -and the hair<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span> parting nothing stirred. I was dumb. Which was lucky, -because I wouldn't have had a chance to get any persiflage out of my -system. Lady Malvern collared the conversation. She had been bottling -it up, and now it came out with a rush.</p> - -<p>'So this is how you have looked after my poor, dear boy, Mr Wooster! -So this is how you have abused my trust! I left him in your charge, -thinking that I could rely on you to shield him from evil. He came to -you innocent, unversed in the ways of the world, confiding, unused to -the temptations of a large city, and you led him astray!'</p> - -<p>I hadn't any remarks to make. All I could think of was the picture -of Aunt Agatha drinking all this in and reaching out to sharpen the -hatchet against my return.</p> - -<p>'You deliberately—'</p> - -<p>Far away in the misty distance a soft voice spoke:</p> - -<p>'If I might explain, your ladyship.'</p> - -<p>Jeeves had projected himself in from the dining-room and materialized -on the rug. Lady Malvern tried to freeze him with a look, but you can't -do that sort of thing to Jeeves. He is look-proof.</p> - -<p>'I fancy, your ladyship, that you may have misunderstood Mr Wooster, -and that he may have given you the impression that he was in New York -when his lordship was—removed. When Mr Wooster informed your ladyship -that his lordship had gone to Boston, he was relying on the version -I had given him of his lordship's movements. Mr Wooster was away, -visiting a friend in the country, at the time, and knew nothing of the -matter till your ladyship informed him.'</p> - -<p>Lady Malvern gave a kind of grunt. It didn't rattle Jeeves.</p> - -<p>'I feared Mr Wooster might be disturbed if he knew the truth, as he is -so attached to his lordship and has taken such pains to look after him, -so I took the liberty of telling him that his lordship had gone away -for a visit.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span> It might have been hard for Mr Wooster to believe that -his lordship had gone to prison voluntarily and from the best motives, -but your ladyship, knowing him better, will readily understand.'</p> - -<p>'What!' Lady Malvern goggled at him. 'Did you say that Lord Pershore -went to prison voluntarily?'</p> - -<p>'If I might explain, your ladyship. I think that your ladyship's -parting words made a deep impression on his lordship. I have frequently -heard him speak to Mr Wooster of his desire to do something to follow -your ladyship's instructions and collect material for your ladyship's -book on America. Mr Wooster will bear me out when I say that his -lordship was frequently extremely depressed at the thought that he was -doing so little to help.'</p> - -<p>'Absolutely, by Jove! Quite pipped about it!' I said.</p> - -<p>'The idea of making a personal examination into the prison system of -the country—from within—occurred to his lordship very suddenly one -night. He embraced it eagerly. There was no restraining him.'</p> - -<p>Lady Malvern looked at Jeeves, then at me, then at Jeeves again. I -could see her struggling with the thing.</p> - -<p>'Surely, your ladyship,' said Jeeves, 'it is more reasonable to suppose -that a gentleman of his lordship's character went to prison of his -own volition than that he committed some breach of the law which -necessitated his arrest?'</p> - -<p>Lady Malvern blinked. Then she got up.</p> - -<p>'Mr Wooster,' she said, 'I apologize. I have done you an injustice. I -should have known Wilmot better. I should have had more faith in his -pure, fine spirit.'</p> - -<p>'Absolutely!' I said.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>'Your breakfast is ready, sir,' said Jeeves.</p> - -<p>I sat down and dallied in a dazed sort of way with a poached egg.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, 'you are certainly a life-saver.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Thank you, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Nothing would have convinced my Aunt Agatha, that I hadn't lured that -blighter into riotous living.'</p> - -<p>'I fancy you are right, sir.'</p> - -<p>I champed my egg for a bit. I was most awfully moved, don't you know, -by the way Jeeves had rallied round. Something seemed to tell me that -this was an occasion that called for rich rewards. For a moment I -hesitated. Then I made up my mind.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves!'</p> - -<p>'Sir?'</p> - -<p>'That pink tie.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir?'</p> - -<p>'Burn it.'</p> - -<p>'Thank you, sir.'</p> - -<p>'And, Jeeves.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir?'</p> - -<p>'Take a taxi and get me that White House Wonder hat, as worn by -President Coolidge.'</p> - -<p>'Thank you very much, sir.'</p> - -<p>I felt most awfully braced. I felt as if the clouds had rolled away -and all was as it used to be. I felt like one of those chappies in the -novels who calls off the fight with his wife in the last chapter and -decides to forget and forgive. I felt I wanted to do all sorts of other -things to show Jeeves that I appreciated him.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, 'it isn't enough. Is there anything else you would -like?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir. If I may make the suggestion—fifty dollars.'</p> - -<p>'Fifty dollars?'</p> - -<p>'It will enable me to pay a debt of honour, sir. I owe it to his -lordship.'</p> - -<p>'You owe Lord Pershore fifty dollars?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir. I happened to meet him in the street the night his lordship -was arrested. I had been thinking a good deal about the most suitable -method of inducing him to abandon his mode of living, sir. His lordship -was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span> a little over-excited at the time, and I fancy that he mistook me -for a friend of his. At any rate, when I took the liberty of wagering -him fifty dollars that he would not punch a passing policeman in the -eye, he accepted the bet very cordially and won it.'</p> - -<p>I produced my pocket-book and counted out a hundred.</p> - -<p>'Take this, Jeeves,' I said; 'fifty isn't enough. Do you know, Jeeves, -you're—well, you absolutely stand alone!'</p> - -<p>'I endeavour to give satisfaction, sir,' said Jeeves.</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h3><a name="c4_Jeeves_and_the_Hard-Boiled_Egg" id="c4_Jeeves_and_the_Hard-Boiled_Egg">4—Jeeves and the Hard-Boiled Egg</a></h3> - - -<p>Sometimes of a morning, as I've sat in bed sucking down the early cup -of tea and watched Jeeves flitting about the room and putting out the -raiment for the day, I've wondered what the deuce I should do if the -fellow ever took it into his head to leave me. It's not so bad when -I'm in New York, but in London the anxiety is frightful. There used -to be all sorts of attempts on the part of low blighters to sneak him -away from me. Young Reggie Foljambe to my certain knowledge offered him -double what I was giving him, and Alistair Bingham-Reeves, who's got a -valet who had been known to press his trousers sideways, used to look -at him, when he came to see me, with a kind of glittering, hungry eye -which disturbed me deucedly. Bally pirates!</p> - -<p>The thing, you see, is that Jeeves is so dashed competent. You can spot -it even in the way he shoves studs into a shirt.</p> - -<p>I rely on him absolutely in every crisis, and he never lets me down. -And, what's more, he can always be counted on to extend himself -on behalf of any pal of mine who happens to be to all appearances -knee-deep in the bouillon. Take the rather rummy case, for instance, of -dear old Bicky and his uncle, the hard-boiled egg.</p> - -<p>It happened after I had been in America for a few months. I got back to -the flat latish one night, and when Jeeves brought me the final drink -he said:</p> - -<p>'Mr Bickersteth called to see you this evening, sir, while you were -out.'</p> - -<p>'Oh?' I said.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Twice, sir. He appeared a trifle agitated.'</p> - -<p>'What, pipped?'</p> - -<p>'He gave that impression, sir.'</p> - -<p>I sipped the whisky. I was sorry if Bicky was in trouble, but, as a -matter of fact, I was rather glad to have something I could discuss -freely with Jeeves just then, because things had been a bit strained -between us for some time, and it had been rather difficult to hit on -anything to talk about that wasn't apt to take a personal turn. You -see, I had decided—rightly or wrongly—to grow a moustache, and this -had cut Jeeves to the quick. He couldn't stick the thing at any price, -and I had been living ever since in an atmosphere of bally disapproval -till I was getting jolly well fed up with it. What I mean is, while -there's no doubt that in certain matters of dress Jeeves's judgement -is absolutely sound and should be followed, it seemed to me that it -was getting a bit too thick if he was going to edit my face as well -as my costume. No one can call me an unreasonable chappie, and many's -the time I've given in like a lamb when Jeeves has voted against one -of my pet suits or ties; but when it comes to a valet's staking out a -claim on your upper lip you've simply got to have a bit of the good old -bulldog pluck and defy the blighter.</p> - -<p>'He said that he would call again later, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Something must be up, Jeeves.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>I gave the moustache a thoughtful twirl. It seemed to hurt Jeeves a -good deal, so I chucked it.</p> - -<p>'I see by the paper, sir, that Mr Bickersteth's uncle is arriving on -the <i>Carmantic</i>.'</p> - -<p>'Yes?'</p> - -<p>'His Grace the Duke of Chiswick, sir.'</p> - -<p>This was news to me, that Bicky's uncle was a duke. Rum, how little one -knows about one's pals. I had met Bicky for the first time at a species -of beano or jamboree down in Washington Square, not long after my -arrival in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span> New York. I suppose I was a bit homesick at the time, and I -rather took to Bicky when I found that he was an Englishman and had, in -fact, been up at Oxford with me. Besides, he was a frightful chump, so -we naturally drifted together; and while we were taking a quiet snort -in a corner that wasn't all cluttered up with artists and sculptors, -he furthermore endeared himself to me by a most extraordinarily gifted -imitation of a bull-terrier chasing a cat up a tree. But, though we had -subsequently become extremely pally, all I really knew about him was -that he was generally hard up, and had an uncle who relieved the strain -a bit from time to time by sending him monthly remittances.</p> - -<p>'If the Duke of Chiswick is his uncle,' I said, 'why hasn't he a title? -Why isn't he Lord What-Not?'</p> - -<p>'Mr Bickersteth is the son of His Grace's late sister, sir, who married -Captain Rollo Bickersteth of the Coldstream Guards.'</p> - -<p>Jeeves knows everything.</p> - -<p>'Is Mr Bickersteth's father dead too?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Leave any money?'</p> - -<p>'No, sir.'</p> - -<p>I began to understand why poor old Bicky was always more or less on the -rocks. To the casual and irreflective observer it may sound a pretty -good wheeze having a duke for an uncle, but the trouble about old -Chiswick was that, though an extremely wealthy old buster, owning half -London and about five counties up north, he was notoriously the most -prudent spender in England. He was what Americans call a hard-boiled -egg. If Bicky's people hadn't left him anything and he depended on what -he could prise out of the old duke, he was in a pretty bad way. Not -that that explained why he was hunting me like this, because he was a -chap who never borrowed money. He said he wanted to keep his pals, so -never bit anyone's ear on principle.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span></p> - -<p>At this juncture the door-bell rang. Jeeves floated out to answer it.</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir. Mr Wooster has just returned,' I heard him say. And Bicky -came beetling in, looking pretty sorry for himself.</p> - -<p>'Hallo, Bicky,' I said. 'Jeeves told me you had been trying to get me. -What's the trouble, Bicky?'</p> - -<p>'I'm in a hole, Bertie. I want your advice.'</p> - -<p>'Say on, old lad.'</p> - -<p>'My uncle's turning up tomorrow, Bertie.'</p> - -<p>'So Jeeves told me.'</p> - -<p>'The Duke of Chiswick, you know.'</p> - -<p>'So Jeeves told me.'</p> - -<p>Bicky seemed a bit surprised.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves seems to know everything.'</p> - -<p>'Rather rummily, that's exactly what I was thinking just now myself.'</p> - -<p>'Well, I wish,' said Bicky, gloomily, 'that he knew a way to get me out -of the hole I'm in.'</p> - -<p>'Mr Bickersteth is in a hole, Jeeves,' I said, 'and wants you to rally -round.'</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir.'</p> - -<p>Bicky looked a bit doubtful.</p> - -<p>'Well, of course, you know, Bertie, this thing is by way of being a bit -private and all that.'</p> - -<p>'I shouldn't worry about that, old top. I bet Jeeves knows all about it -already. Don't you, Jeeves?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Eh?' said Bicky, rattled.</p> - -<p>'I am open to correction, sir, but is not your dilemma due to the fact -that you are at a loss to explain to His Grace why you are in New York -instead of in Colorado?'</p> - -<p>Bicky rocked like a jelly in a high wind.</p> - -<p>'How the deuce do you know anything about it?'</p> - -<p>'I chanced to meet His Grace's butler before we left England. He -informed me that he happened to overhear<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span> His Grace speaking to you on -the matter, sir, as he passed the library door.'</p> - -<p>Bicky gave a hollow sort of laugh.</p> - -<p>'Well, as everybody seems to know all about it, there's no need to try -to keep it dark. The old boy turfed me out, Bertie, because he said -I was a brainless nincompoop. The idea was that he would give me a -remittance on condition that I dashed out to some blighted locality of -the name of Colorado and learned farming or ranching, or whatever they -call it, at some bally ranch or farm, or whatever it's called. I didn't -fancy the idea a bit. I should have had to ride horses and pursue cows, -and so forth. At the same time, don't you know, I had to have that -remittance.'</p> - -<p>'I get you absolutely, old thing.'</p> - -<p>'Well, when I got to New York it looked a decent sort of place to me, -so I thought it would be a pretty sound notion to stop here. So I -cabled to my uncle telling him that I had dropped into a good business -wheeze in the city and wanted to chuck the ranch idea. He wrote back -that it was all right, and here I've been ever since. He thinks I'm -doing well at something or other over here. I never dreamed, don't you -know, that he would ever come out here. What on earth am I to do?'</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, 'what on earth is Mr Bickersteth to do?'</p> - -<p>'You see,' said Bicky, 'I had a wireless from him to say that he was -coming to stay with me—to save hotel bills, I suppose. I've always -given him the impression that I was living in pretty good style. I -can't have him to stay at my boarding-house.'</p> - -<p>'Thought of anything, Jeeves?' I said.</p> - -<p>'To what extent, sir, if the question is not a delicate one, are you -prepared to assist Mr Bickersteth?'</p> - -<p>'I'll do anything I can for you, of course, Bicky, old man.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Then, if I might make the suggestion, sir, you might lend Mr -Bickersteth—'</p> - -<p>'No, by Jove!' said Bicky firmly. 'I never have touched you, Bertie, -and I'm not going to start now. I may be a chump, but it's my boast -that I don't owe a penny to a single soul—not counting tradesmen, of -course.'</p> - -<p>'I was about to suggest, sir, that you might lend Mr Bickersteth this -flat. Mr Bickersteth could give His Grace the impression that he was -the owner of it. With your permission I could convey the notion that -I was in Mr Bickersteth's employment and not in yours. You would be -residing here temporarily as Mr Bickersteth's guest. His Grace would -occupy the second spare bedroom. I fancy that you would find this -answer satisfactory, sir.'</p> - -<p>Bicky had stopped rocking himself and was staring at Jeeves in an awed -sort of way.</p> - -<p>'I would advocate the dispatching of a wireless message to His Grace -on board the vessel, notifying him of the change of address. Mr -Bickersteth could meet His Grace at the dock and proceed directly here. -Will that meet the situation, sir?'</p> - -<p>'Absolutely.'</p> - -<p>'Thank you, sir.'</p> - -<p>Bicky followed him with his eye till the door closed.</p> - -<p>'How does he do it, Bertie?' he said. 'I'll tell you what I think it -is. I believe it's something to do with the shape of his head. Have you -ever noticed his head, Bertie, old man? It sort of sticks out at the -back!'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I hopped out of bed pretty early next morning, so as to be among those -present when the old boy should arrive. I knew from experience that -these ocean liners fetch up at the dock at a deucedly ungodly hour. -It wasn't much after nine by the time I'd dressed and had my morning -tea and was leaning out of the window, watching the street for Bicky -and his uncle. It was one of those jolly,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span> peaceful mornings that make -a chappie wish he'd got a soul or something, and I was just brooding -on life in general when I became aware of the dickens of a spat in -progress down below. A taxi had driven up, and an old boy in a top hat -had got out and was kicking up a frightful row about the fare. As far -as I could make out, he was trying to get the cabby to switch from New -York to London prices, and the cabby had apparently never heard of -London before, and didn't seem to think a lot of it now. The old boy -said that in London the trip would have set him back a shilling; and -the cabby said he should worry. I called to Jeeves.</p> - -<p>'The duke has arrived, Jeeves.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir?'</p> - -<p>'That'll be him at the door now.'</p> - -<p>Jeeves made a long arm and opened the front door, and the old boy -crawled in.</p> - -<p>'How do you do, sir?' I said, bustling up and being the ray of -sunshine. 'Your nephew went down to the dock to meet you, but you -must have missed him. My name's Wooster, don't you know. Great pal of -Bicky's, and all that sort of thing. I'm staying with him, you know. -Would you like a cup of tea? Jeeves, bring a cup of tea.'</p> - -<p>Old Chiswick had sunk into an arm-chair and was looking about the room.</p> - -<p>'Does this luxurious flat belong to my nephew Francis?'</p> - -<p>'Absolutely.'</p> - -<p>'It must be terribly expensive.'</p> - -<p>'Pretty well, of course. Everything costs a lot over here, you know.'</p> - -<p>He moaned. Jeeves filtered in with the tea. Old Chiswick took a stab at -it to restore his tissues, and nodded.</p> - -<p>'A terrible country, Mr Wooster! A terrible country. Nearly eight -shillings for a short cab-drive. Iniquitous!' He took another look -round the room. It seemed to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span> fascinate him. 'Have you any idea how -much my nephew pays for this flat, Mr Wooster?'</p> - -<p>'About two hundred dollars a month, I believe.'</p> - -<p>'What! Forty pounds a month!'</p> - -<p>I began to see that, unless I made the thing a bit more plausible, -the scheme might turn out a frost. I could guess what the old boy was -thinking. He was trying to square all this prosperity with what he knew -of poor old Bicky. And one had to admit that it took a lot of squaring, -for dear old Bicky, though a stout fellow and absolutely unrivalled as -an imitator of bull-terriers and cats, was in many ways one of the most -pronounced fatheads that ever pulled on a suit of gents' underwear.</p> - -<p>'I suppose it seems rummy to you,' I said, 'but the fact is New York -often bucks fellows up and makes them show a flash of speed that you -wouldn't have imagined them capable of. It sort of develops them. -Something in the air, don't you know. I imagine that Bicky in the -past, when you knew him, may have been something of a chump, but it's -quite different now. Devilish efficient sort of bird, and looked on in -commercial circles as quite the nib!'</p> - -<p>'I am amazed! What is the nature of my nephew's business, Mr Wooster?'</p> - -<p>'Oh, just business, don't you know. The same sort of thing Rockefeller -and all these coves do, you know.' I slid for the door. 'Awfully sorry -to leave you, but I've got to meet some of the lads elsewhere.'</p> - -<p>Coming out of the lift I met Bicky bustling in from the street.</p> - -<p>'Hallo, Bertie. I missed him. Has he turned up?'</p> - -<p>'He's upstairs now, having some tea.'</p> - -<p>'What does he think of it all?'</p> - -<p>'He's absolutely rattled.'</p> - -<p>'Ripping! I'll be toddling up, then. Toodle-oo, Bertie, old man. See -you later.'</p> - -<p>'Pip-pip, Bicky, dear boy.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p> - -<p>He trotted off, full of merriment and good cheer, and I went off to the -club to sit in the window and watch the traffic coming up one way and -going down the other.</p> - -<p>It was latish in the evening when I looked in at the flat to dress for -dinner.</p> - -<p>'Where's everybody, Jeeves?' I said, finding no little feet pattering -about the place. 'Gone out?'</p> - -<p>'His Grace desired to see some of the sights of the city, sir. Mr -Bickersteth is acting as his escort. I fancy their immediate objective -was Grant's Tomb.'</p> - -<p>'I suppose Mr Bickersteth is a bit bucked at the way things are -going—what?'</p> - -<p>'Sir?'</p> - -<p>'I say, I take it that Mr Bickersteth is tolerably full of beans.'</p> - -<p>'Not altogether, sir.'</p> - -<p>'What's his trouble now?'</p> - -<p>'The scheme which I took the liberty of suggesting to Mr Bickersteth -and yourself has, unfortunately, not answered entirely satisfactorily, -sir.'</p> - -<p>'Surely the duke believes that Mr Bickersteth is doing well in -business, and all that sort of thing?'</p> - -<p>'Exactly, sir. With the result that he has decided to cancel Mr -Bickersteth's monthly allowance, on the ground that, as Mr Bickersteth -is doing so well on his own account, he no longer requires pecuniary -assistance.'</p> - -<p>'Great Scott, Jeeves! This is awful!'</p> - -<p>'Somewhat disturbing, sir.'</p> - -<p>'I never expected anything like this!'</p> - -<p>'I confess I scarcely anticipated the contingency myself, sir.'</p> - -<p>'I suppose it bowled the poor blighter over absolutely?'</p> - -<p>'Mr Bickersteth appeared somewhat taken aback, sir.'</p> - -<p>My heart bled for Bicky.</p> - -<p>'We must do something, Jeeves.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Can you think of anything?'</p> - -<p>'Not at the moment, sir.'</p> - -<p>'There must be something we can do.'</p> - -<p>'It was a maxim of one of my former employers, sir—as I believe I -mentioned to you once before—the present Lord Bridgworth, that there -is always a way. No doubt we shall be able to discover some solution of -Mr Bickersteth's difficulty, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Well, have a stab at it, Jeeves.'</p> - -<p>'I will spare no pains, sir.'</p> - -<p>I went and dressed sadly. It will show you pretty well how pipped I was -when I tell you that I as near as a toucher put on a white tie with a -dinner-jacket. I sallied out for a bit of food more to pass the time -than because I wanted it. It seemed brutal to be wading into the bill -of fare with poor old Bicky headed for the bread-line.</p> - -<p>When I got back old Chiswick had gone to bed, but Bicky was there, -hunched up in an arm-chair, brooding pretty tensely, with a cigarette -hanging out of the corner of his mouth and a more or less glassy stare -in his eyes.</p> - -<p>'This is a bit thick, old thing—what!' I said.</p> - -<p>He picked up his glass and drained it feverishly, overlooking the fact -that it hadn't anything in it.</p> - -<p>'I'm done, Bertie!' he said.</p> - -<p>He had another go at the glass. It didn't seem to do him any good.</p> - -<p>'If only this had happened a week later, Bertie! My next month's money -was due to roll in on Saturday. I could have worked a wheeze I've been -reading about in the magazine advertisements. It seems that you can -make a dashed amount of money if you can only collect a few dollars and -start a chicken farm. Jolly life, too, keeping hens!' He had begun to -get quite worked up at the thought of it, but he slopped back in his -chair at this juncture with a good deal of gloom. 'But, of course, it's -no good,' he said, 'because I haven't the cash.'</p> - -<p>'You've only to say the word, you know, Bicky, old top.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Thanks awfully, Bertie, but I'm not going to sponge on you.'</p> - -<p>That's always the way in this world. The chappies you'd like to lend -money to won't let you, whereas the chappies you don't want to lend -it to will do everything except actually stand you on your head and -lift the specie out of your pockets. As a lad who has always rolled -tolerably freely in the right stuff, I've had lots of experience of -the second class. Many's the time, back in London, I've hurried along -Piccadilly and felt the hot breath of the toucher on the back of my -neck and heard his sharp, excited yapping as he closed in on me. I've -simply spent my life scattering largesse to blighters I didn't care a -hang for; yet here was I now, dripping doubloons and pieces of eight -and longing to hand them over, and Bicky, poor fish, absolutely on his -uppers, not taking any at any price.</p> - -<p>'Well, there's only one hope then.'</p> - -<p>'What's that?'</p> - -<p>'Jeeves.'</p> - -<p>'Sir?'</p> - -<p>There was Jeeves, standing behind me, full of zeal. In this matter of -shimmering into rooms the man is rummy to a degree. You're sitting in -the old arm-chair, thinking of this and that, and then suddenly you -look up, and there he is. He moves from point to point with as little -uproar as a jelly-fish. The thing startled poor old Bicky considerably. -He rose from his seat like a rocketing pheasant. I'm used to Jeeves -now, but often in the days when he first came to me I've bitten my -tongue freely on finding him unexpectedly in my midst.</p> - -<p>'Did you call, sir?'</p> - -<p>'Oh, there you are, Jeeves!'</p> - -<p>'Precisely, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Any ideas, Jeeves?'</p> - -<p>'Why, yes, sir. Since we had our recent conversation I fancy I have -found what may prove a solution. I do not<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span> wish to appear to be taking -a liberty, sir, but I think that we have overlooked His Grace's -potentialities as a source of revenue.'</p> - -<p>Bicky laughed what I have sometimes seen described as a hollow, mocking -laugh, a sort of bitter cackle from the back of the throat, rather like -a gargle.</p> - -<p>'I do not allude, sir,' explained Jeeves, 'to the possibility of -inducing His Grace to part with money. I am taking the liberty of -regarding His Grace in the light of an at present—if I may say -so—useless property, which is capable of being developed.'</p> - -<p>Bicky looked at me in a helpless kind of way. I'm bound to say I didn't -get it myself.</p> - -<p>'Couldn't you make it a bit easier, Jeeves?'</p> - -<p>'In a nutshell, sir, what I mean is this: His Grace is, in a sense, a -prominent personage. The inhabitants of this country, as no doubt you -are aware, sir, are peculiarly addicted to shaking hands with prominent -personages. It occurred to me that Mr Bickersteth or yourself might -know of persons who would be willing to pay a small fee—let us say -two dollars or three—for the privilege of an introduction, including -handshake, to His Grace.'</p> - -<p>Bicky didn't seem to think much of it.</p> - -<p>'Do you mean to say that anyone would be mug enough to part with solid -cash just to shake hands with my uncle?'</p> - -<p>'I have an aunt, sir, who paid five shillings to a young fellow for -bringing a moving-picture actor to tea at her house one Sunday. It gave -her social standing among the neighbours.'</p> - -<p>Bicky wavered.</p> - -<p>'If you think it could be done—'</p> - -<p>'I feel convinced of it, sir.'</p> - -<p>'What do you think, Bertie?'</p> - -<p>'I'm for it, old boy, absolutely. A very brainy wheeze.'</p> - -<p>'Thank you, sir. Will there be anything further? Good night, sir.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p> - -<p>And he flitted out, leaving us to discuss details.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Until we started this business of floating old Chiswick as a -money-making proposition I had never realized what a perfectly foul -time those Stock Exchange fellows must have when the public isn't -biting freely. Nowadays I read that bit they put in the financial -reports about 'The market opened quietly' with a sympathetic eye, for, -by Jove, it certainly opened quietly for us. You'd hardly believe how -difficult it was to interest the public and make them take a flutter on -the old boy. By the end of a week the only name we had on our list was -a delicatessen-store keeper down in Bicky's part of the town, and as he -wanted us to take it out in sliced ham instead of cash that didn't help -much. There was a gleam of light when the brother of Bicky's pawnbroker -offered ten dollars, money down, for an introduction to old Chiswick, -but the deal fell through, owing to its turning out that the chap was -an anarchist and intended to kick the old boy instead of shaking hands -with him. At that, it took me the deuce of a time to persuade Bicky not -to grab the cash and let things take their course. He seemed to regard -the pawnbroker's brother rather as a sportsman and benefactor of his -species than otherwise.</p> - -<p>The whole thing, I'm inclined to think, would have been off if it -hadn't been for Jeeves. There is no doubt that Jeeves is in a class of -his own. In the matter of brain and resource I don't think I have ever -met a chappie so supremely like mother made. He trickled into my room -one morning with the good old cup of tea, and intimated that there was -something doing.</p> - -<p>'Might I speak to you with regard to that matter of His Grace, sir?'</p> - -<p>'It's all off. We've decided to chuck it.'</p> - -<p>'Sir?'</p> - -<p>'It won't work. We can't get anybody to come.'</p> - -<p>'I fancy I can arrange that aspect of the matter, sir.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Do you mean to say you've managed to get anybody?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir. Eighty-seven gentlemen from Birdsburg, sir.' I sat up in bed -and spilt the tea.</p> - -<p>'Birdsburg?'</p> - -<p>'Birdsburg, Missouri, sir.'</p> - -<p>'How did you get them?'</p> - -<p>'I happened last night, sir, as you had intimated that you would be -absent from home, to attend a theatrical performance, and entered -into conversation between the acts with the occupant of the adjoining -seat. I had observed that he was wearing a somewhat ornate decoration -in his buttonhole, sir—a large blue button with the words "Boost -for Birdsburg" upon it in red letters, scarcely a judicious addition -to a gentleman's evening costume. To my surprise I noticed that the -auditorium was full of persons similarly decorated. I ventured to -inquire the explanation, and was informed that these gentlemen, forming -a party of eighty-seven, are a convention from a town of the name -of Birdsburg in the State of Missouri. Their visit, I gathered, was -purely of a social and pleasurable nature, and my informant spoke at -some length of the entertainments arranged for their stay in the city. -It was when he related with a considerable amount of satisfaction and -pride that a deputation of their number had been introduced to and had -shaken hands with a well-known prize-fighter that it occurred to me -to broach the subject of His Grace. To make a long story short, sir, -I have arranged, subject to your approval, that the entire convention -shall be presented to His Grace tomorrow afternoon.'</p> - -<p>I was amazed.</p> - -<p>'Eighty-seven, Jeeves! At how much a head?'</p> - -<p>'I was obliged to agree to a reduction for quantity, sir. The terms -finally arrived at were one hundred and fifty dollars for the party.'</p> - -<p>I thought a bit.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Payable in advance?'</p> - -<p>'No, sir. I endeavoured to obtain payment in advance, but was not -successful.'</p> - -<p>'Well, anyway, when we get it I'll make it up to five hundred. Bicky'll -never know. Do you suppose Mr Bickersteth would suspect anything, -Jeeves, if I made it up to five hundred?'</p> - -<p>'I fancy not, sir. Mr Bickersteth is an agreeable gentleman, but not -bright.'</p> - -<p>'All right, then. After breakfast run down to the bank and get me some -money.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>'You know, you're a bit of a marvel, Jeeves.'</p> - -<p>'Thank you, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Right-ho!'</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir.'</p> - -<p>When I took dear old Bicky aside in the course of the morning and -told him what had happened he nearly broke down. He tottered into the -sitting-room and buttonholed old Chiswick, who was reading the comic -section of the morning paper with a kind of grim resolution.</p> - -<p>'Uncle,' he said, 'are you doing anything special tomorrow afternoon? -I mean to say, I've asked a few of my pals in to meet you, don't you -know.'</p> - -<p>The old boy cocked a speculative eye at him.</p> - -<p>'There will be no reporters among them?'</p> - -<p>'Reporters? Rather not. Why?'</p> - -<p>'I refuse to be badgered by reporters. There were a number of adhesive -young men who endeavoured to elicit from me my views on America while -the boat was approaching the dock. I will not be subjected to this -persecution again.'</p> - -<p>'That'll be absolutely all right, uncle. There won't be a newspaper man -in the place.'</p> - -<p>'In that case I shall be glad to make the acquaintance of your -friends.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span></p> - -<p>'You'll shake hands with them, and so forth?'</p> - -<p>'I shall naturally order my behaviour according to the accepted rules -of civilized intercourse.'</p> - -<p>Bicky thanked him heartily and came off to lunch with me at the club, -where he babbled freely of hens, incubators, and other rotten things.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>After mature consideration we had decided to unleash the Birdsburg -contingent on the old boy ten at a time. Jeeves brought his theatre -pal round to see us, and we arranged the whole thing with him. A very -decent chappie, but rather inclined to collar the conversation and -turn it in the direction of his home-town's new water-supply system. -We settled that, as an hour was about all he would be likely to stand, -each gang should consider itself entitled to seven minutes of the -duke's society by Jeeves's stop-watch, and that when their time was up -Jeeves should slide into the room and cough meaningly. Then we parted -with what I believe are called mutual expressions of goodwill, the -Birdsburg chappie extending a cordial invitation to us all to pop out -some day and take a look at the new water-supply system, for which we -thanked him.</p> - -<p>Next day the deputation rolled in. The first shift consisted of the -cove we had met and nine others almost exactly like him in every -respect. They all looked deuced keen and business-like, as if from -youth up they had been working in the office and catching the boss's -eye and what-not. They shook hands with the old boy with a good deal -of apparent satisfaction—all except one chappie, who seemed to be -brooding about something—and then they stood off and became chatty.</p> - -<p>'What message have you for Birdsburg, duke?' asked our pal.</p> - -<p>The old boy seemed a bit rattled.</p> - -<p>'I have never been to Birdsburg.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p> - -<p>The chappie seemed pained.</p> - -<p>'You should pay it a visit,' he said. 'The most rapidly growing city in -the country. Boost for Birdsburg!'</p> - -<p>'Boost for Birdsburg!' said the other chappies reverently.</p> - -<p>The chappie who had been brooding suddenly gave tongue.</p> - -<p>'Say!'</p> - -<p>He was a stout sort of well-fed cove with one of those determined chins -and a cold eye.</p> - -<p>The assemblage looked at him.</p> - -<p>'As a matter of business,' said the chappie—'mind you, I'm not -questioning anybody's good faith, but, as a matter of strict -business—I think this gentleman here ought to put himself on record -before witnesses as stating that he really is a duke.'</p> - -<p>'What do you mean, sir?' cried the old boy, getting purple.</p> - -<p>'No offence, simply business. I'm not saying anything, mind you, but -there's one thing that seems kind of funny to me. This gentleman here -says his name's Mr Bickersteth, as I understand it. Well, if you're the -Duke of Chiswick, why isn't he Lord Percy Something? I've read English -novels, and I know all about it.'</p> - -<p>'This is monstrous!'</p> - -<p>'Now don't get hot under the collar. I'm only asking. I've a right to -know. You're going to take our money, so it's only fair that we should -see that we get our money's worth.'</p> - -<p>The water-supply cove chipped in:</p> - -<p>'You're quite right, Simms. I overlooked that when making the -agreement. You see, gentlemen, as business men we've a right to -reasonable guarantees of good faith. We are paying Mr Bickersteth here -a hundred and fifty dollars for this reception, and we naturally want -to know—'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span></p> - -<p>Old Chiswick gave Bicky a searching look; then he turned to the -water-supply chappie. He was frightfully calm.</p> - -<p>'I can assure you that I know nothing of this,' he said quite politely. -'I should be grateful if you would explain.'</p> - -<p>'Well, we arranged with Mr Bickersteth that eighty-seven citizens -of Birdsburg should have the privilege of meeting and shaking hands -with you for a financial consideration mutually arranged, and what my -friend Simms here means—and I'm with him—is that we have only Mr -Bickersteth's word for it—and he is a stranger to us—that you are the -Duke of Chiswick at all.'</p> - -<p>Old Chiswick gulped.</p> - -<p>'Allow me to assure you, sir,' he said in a rummy kind of voice, 'that -I am the Duke of Chiswick.'</p> - -<p>'Then that's all right,' said the chappie heartily. 'That was all we -wanted to know. Let the thing go on.'</p> - -<p>'I am sorry to say,' said old Chiswick, 'that it cannot go on. I am -feeling a little tired. I fear I must ask to be excused.'</p> - -<p>'But there are seventy-seven of the boys waiting round the corner at -this moment, duke, to be introduced to you.'</p> - -<p>'I fear I must disappoint them.'</p> - -<p>'But in that case the deal would have to be off.'</p> - -<p>'That is a matter for you and my nephew to discuss.'</p> - -<p>The chappie seemed troubled.</p> - -<p>'You really won't meet the rest of them?'</p> - -<p>'No!'</p> - -<p>'Well, then, I guess we'll be going.'</p> - -<p>They went out, and there was a pretty solid silence. Then old Chiswick -turned to Bicky:</p> - -<p>'Well?'</p> - -<p>Bicky didn't seem to have anything to say.</p> - -<p>'Was it true what that man said?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, uncle.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></p> - -<p>'What do you mean by playing this trick?'</p> - -<p>Bicky seemed pretty well knocked out, so I put in a word: 'I think -you'd better explain the whole thing, Bicky, old top.'</p> - -<p>Bicky's adam's apple jumped about a bit; then he started.</p> - -<p>'You see, you had cut off my allowance, uncle, and I wanted a bit of -money to start a chicken farm. I mean to say it's an absolute cert if -you once get a bit of capital. You buy a hen, and it lays an egg every -day of the week, and you sell the egg, say, seven for twenty-five -cents. Keep of hen costs nothing. Profit practically—'</p> - -<p>'What is all this nonsense about hens? You led me to suppose you were a -substantial business man.'</p> - -<p>'Old Bicky rather exaggerated, sir,' I said, helping the chappie -out. 'The fact is, the poor old lad is absolutely dependent on that -remittance of yours, and when you cut it off, don't you know, he was -pretty solidly in the soup, and had to think of some way of closing -in on a bit of the ready pretty quick. That's why we thought of this -hand-shaking scheme.'</p> - -<p>Old Chiswick foamed at the mouth.</p> - -<p>'So you have lied to me! You have deliberately deceived me as to your -financial status!'</p> - -<p>'Poor old Bicky didn't want to go to that ranch,' I explained. 'He -doesn't like cows and horses, but he rather thinks he would be hot -stuff among the hens. All he wants is a bit of capital. Don't you think -it would be rather a wheeze if you were to—'</p> - -<p>'After what has happened? After this—this deceit and foolery? Not a -penny!'</p> - -<p>'But—'</p> - -<p>'Not a penny!'</p> - -<p>There was a respectful cough in the background.</p> - -<p>'If I might make a suggestion, sir?'</p> - -<p>Jeeves was standing on the horizon, looking devilish brainy.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Go ahead, Jeeves!' I said.</p> - -<p>'I would merely suggest, sir, that if Mr Bickersteth is in need of -a little ready money, and is at a loss to obtain it elsewhere he -might secure the sum he requires by describing the occurrences of -this afternoon for the Sunday issue of one of the more spirited and -enterprising newspapers.'</p> - -<p>'By Jove!' I said.</p> - -<p>'By George!' said Bicky.</p> - -<p>'Great heavens!' said old Chiswick.</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir,' said Jeeves.</p> - -<p>Bicky turned to old Chiswick with a gleaming eye.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves is right! I'll do it! The <i>Chronicle</i> would jump at it. They -eat that sort of stuff.'</p> - -<p>Old Chiswick gave a kind of moaning howl.</p> - -<p>'I absolutely forbid you, Francis, to do this thing!'</p> - -<p>'That's all very well,' said Bicky, wonderfully braced, 'but if I can't -get the money any other way—'</p> - -<p>'Wait! Er—wait, my boy! You are so impetuous! We might arrange -something.'</p> - -<p>'I won't go to that bally ranch.'</p> - -<p>'No, no! No, no, my boy! I would not suggest it. I would not for a -moment suggest it. I—I think—' He seemed to have a bit of a struggle -with himself. 'I—I think that, on the whole it would be best if you -returned with me to England. I—I might—in fact, I think I see my -way to doing—to—I might be able to utilize your services in some -secretarial position.'</p> - -<p>'I shouldn't mind that.'</p> - -<p>'I should not be able to offer you a salary, but, as you know, in -English political life the unpaid secretary is a recognized figure—'</p> - -<p>'The only figure I'll recognize,' said Bicky firmly, 'is five hundred -quid a year, paid quarterly.'</p> - -<p>'My dear boy!'</p> - -<p>'Absolutely!'</p> - -<p>'But your recompense, my dear Francis, would consist<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span> in the unrivalled -opportunities you would have, as my secretary, to gain experience, to -accustom yourself to the intricacies of political life, to—in fact, -you would be in an exceedingly advantageous position.'</p> - -<p>'Five hundred a year!' said Bicky, rolling it round his tongue. 'Why, -that would be nothing to what I could make if I started a chicken farm. -It stands to reason. Suppose you have a dozen hens. Each of the hens -has a dozen chickens. After a bit the chickens grow up and have a dozen -chickens each themselves, and then they all start laying eggs! There's -a fortune in it. You can get anything you like for eggs in America. -Fellows keep them on ice for years and years, and don't sell them -till they fetch about a dollar a whirl. You don't think I'm going to -chuck a future like this for anything under five hundred o' goblins a -year—what?'</p> - -<p>A look of anguish passed over old Chiswick's face, then he seemed to be -resigned to it. 'Very well, my boy,' he said.</p> - -<p>'What ho!' said Bicky. 'All right, then.'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said. Bicky had taken the old boy off to dinner to -celebrate, and we were alone. 'Jeeves, this has been one of your best -efforts.'</p> - -<p>'Thank you, sir.'</p> - -<p>'It beats me how you do it.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir?'</p> - -<p>'The only trouble is you haven't got much out of it yourself.'</p> - -<p>'I fancy Mr Bickersteth intends—I judge from his remarks—to signify -his appreciation of anything I have been fortunate enough to do to -assist him, at some later date when he is in a more favourable position -to do so.'</p> - -<p>'It isn't enough, Jeeves!'</p> - -<p>'Sir?'</p> - -<p>It was a wrench, but I felt it was the only possible thing to be done.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Bring my shaving things.'</p> - -<p>A gleam of hope shone in the man's eye, mixed with doubt.</p> - -<p>'You mean, sir?'</p> - -<p>'And shave off my moustache.'</p> - -<p>There was a moment's silence. I could see the fellow was deeply moved.</p> - -<p>'Thank you very much indeed, sir,' he said, in a low voice.</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h3><a name="c5_The_Aunt_and_the_Sluggard" id="c5_The_Aunt_and_the_Sluggard">5—The Aunt and the Sluggard</a></h3> - - -<p>Now that it's all over, I may as well admit that there was a time -during the affair of Rockmetteller Todd when I thought that Jeeves was -going to let me down. Silly of me, of course, knowing him as I do, but -that is what I thought. It seemed to me that the man had the appearance -of being baffled.</p> - -<p>The Rocky Todd business broke loose early one morning in spring. I -was in bed, restoring the physique with my usual nine hours of the -dreamless, when the door flew open and somebody prodded me in the lower -ribs and began to shake the bedclothes in an unpleasant manner. And -after blinking a bit and generally pulling myself together, I located -Rocky, and my first impression was that it must be some horrid dream.</p> - -<p>Rocky, you see, lived down on Long Island somewhere, miles away from -New York; and not only that, but he had told me himself more than -once that he never got up before twelve, and seldom earlier than one. -Constitutionally the laziest young devil in America, he had hit on a -walk in life which enabled him to go the limit in that direction. He -was a poet. At least, he wrote poems when he did anything; but most of -his time, as far as I could make out, he spent in a sort of trance. -He told me once that he could sit on a fence, watching a worm and -wondering what on earth it was up to for hours at a stretch.</p> - -<p>He had his scheme of life worked out to a fine point. About once a -month he would take three days writing a few poems; the other three -hundred and twenty-nine days of the year he rested. I didn't know there -was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span> enough money in poetry to support a chappie, even in the way in -which Rocky lived; but it seems that, if you stick to exhortations to -young men to lead the strenuous life and don't shove in any rhymes, -American editors fight for the stuff. Rocky showed me one of his things -once. It began:</p> - -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse">Be!</div> - <div class="verse">Be!</div> - <div class="verse indent2">The past is dead,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Tomorrow is not born.</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Be today!</div> - <div class="verse">Today!</div> - <div class="verse indent2">Be with every nerve,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">With every fibre,</div> - <div class="verse indent2">With every drop of your red blood!</div> - <div class="verse">Be!</div> - <div class="verse">Be!</div> -</div></div> - -<p>There were three more verses, and the thing was printed opposite the -frontispiece of a magazine with a sort of scroll round it, and a -picture in the middle of a fairly nude chappie with bulging muscles -giving the rising sun the glad eye. Rocky said they gave him a hundred -dollars for it, and he stayed in bed till four in the afternoon for -over a month.</p> - -<p>As regarded the future he was pretty solid, owing to the fact that he -had a moneyed aunt tucked away somewhere in Illinois. It's a curious -thing how many of my pals seem to have aunts and uncles who are their -main source of supply. There is Bicky for one, with his uncle the Duke -of Chiswick; Corky, who, until things went wrong, looked to Alexander -Worple, the bird specialist, for sustenance. And I shall be telling -you a story shortly of a dear old friend of mine, Oliver Sipperley, -who had an aunt in Yorkshire. These things cannot be mere coincidence. -They must be meant. What<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span> I'm driving at is that Providence seems to -look after the chumps of this world; and, personally, I'm all for it. I -suppose the fact is that, having been snootered from infancy upwards by -my own aunts, I like to see that it is possible for these relatives to -have a better and a softer side.</p> - -<p>However, this is more or less of a side-track. Coming back to Rocky, -what I was saying was that he had this aunt in Illinois; and, as he had -been named Rockmetteller after her (which in itself, you might say, -entitled him to substantial compensation) and was her only nephew, his -position looked pretty sound. He told me that when he did come into the -money he meant to do no work at all, except perhaps an occasional poem -recommending the young man with life opening out before him with all -its splendid possibilities to light a pipe and shove his feet up on the -mantelpiece.</p> - -<p>And this was the man who was prodding me in the ribs in the grey dawn!</p> - -<p>'Read this, Bertie!' babbled old Rocky.</p> - -<p>I could just see that he was waving a letter or something equally foul -in my face. 'Wake up and read this!'</p> - -<p>I can't read before I've had my morning tea and a cigarette. I groped -for the bell.</p> - -<p>Jeeves came in, looking as fresh as a dewy violet. It's a mystery to me -how he does it.</p> - -<p>'Tea, Jeeves.'</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir.'</p> - -<p>I found that Rocky was surging round with his beastly letter again.</p> - -<p>'What is it?' I said. 'What on earth's the matter?'</p> - -<p>'Read it!'</p> - -<p>'I can't. I haven't had my tea.'</p> - -<p>'Well, listen then.'</p> - -<p>'Who's it from?'</p> - -<p>'My aunt.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p> - -<p>At this point I fell asleep again. I woke to hear him saying:</p> - -<p>'So what on earth am I to do?'</p> - -<p>Jeeves flowed in with the tray, like some silent stream meandering over -its mossy bed; and I saw daylight.</p> - -<p>'Read it again, Rocky, old top,' I said. 'I want Jeeves to hear it. Mr -Todd's aunt has written him a rather rummy letter, Jeeves, and we want -your advice.'</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir.'</p> - -<p>He stood in the middle of the room, registering devotion to the cause, -and Rocky started again:</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> -<p>'My dear Rockmetteller,</p> - -<p>'I have been thinking things over for a long while, and I have come -to the conclusion that I have been very thoughtless to wait so long -before doing what I am made up my mind to do now.'</p></div> - -<p>'What do you make of that, Jeeves?'</p> - -<p>'It seems a little obscure at present, sir, but no doubt it becomes -clearer at a later point in the communication.'</p> - -<p>'Proceed, old scout,' I said, champing my bread and butter.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> -<p>'You know how all my life I have longed to visit New York and see for -myself the wonderful gay life of which I have read so much. I fear -that now it will be impossible for me to fulfil my dream. I am old and -worn out. I seem to have no strength left in me.'</p></div> - -<p>'Sad, Jeeves, what?'</p> - -<p>'Extremely, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Sad nothing!' said Rocky. 'It's sheer laziness. I went to see her last -Christmas and she was bursting with health. Her doctor told me himself -that there was nothing wrong with her whatever. But she will insist -that she's a hopeless invalid, so he has to agree with her.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span> She's got -a fixed idea that the trip to New York would kill her; so, though it's -been her ambition all her life to come here, she stays where she is.'</p> - -<p>'Rather like the chappie whose heart, was "in the Highlands a-chasing -of the deer", Jeeves?'</p> - -<p>'The cases are in some respects parallel, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Carry on, Rocky, dear boy.'</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> -<p>'So I have decided that, if I cannot enjoy all the marvels of the city -myself, I can at least enjoy them through you. I suddenly thought of -this yesterday after reading a beautiful poem in the Sunday paper -about a young man who had longed all his life for a certain thing and -won it in the end only when he was too old to enjoy it. It was very -sad, and it touched me.'</p></div> - -<p>'A thing,' interpolated Rocky bitterly, 'that I've not been able to do -in ten years.'</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> -<p>'As you know, you will have my money when I am gone; but until now -I have never been able to see my way to giving you an allowance. I -have now decided to do so—on one condition. I have written to a firm -of lawyers in New York, giving them instructions to pay you quite a -substantial sum each month. My one condition is that you live in New -York and enjoy yourself as I have always wished to do. I want you -to be my representative, to spend this money for me as I should do -myself. I want you to plunge into the gay, prismatic life of New York. -I want you to be the life and soul of brilliant supper parties.</p> - -<p>'Above all, I want you—indeed, I insist on this—to write me letters -at least once a week, giving me a full description of all you are -doing and all that is going on in the city, so that I may enjoy at -second-hand what my wretched health prevents my enjoying for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span> myself. -Remember that I shall expect full details, and that no detail is too -trivial to interest.</p> - -<p>Your affectionate Aunt,</p> - -<p>Isabel Rockmetteller.'</p></div> - -<p>'What about it?' said Rocky.</p> - -<p>'What about it?' I said.</p> - -<p>'Yes. What on earth am I going to do?'</p> - -<p>It was only then that I really got on to the extremely rummy attitude -of the chappie, in view of the fact that a quite unexpected mess of -good cash had suddenly descended on him from a blue sky. To my mind it -was an occasion for the beaming smile and the joyous whoop; yet here -the man was, looking and talking as if Fate had swung on his solar -plexus. It amazed me.</p> - -<p>'Aren't you bucked?' I said.</p> - -<p>'Bucked!'</p> - -<p>'If I were in your place I should be frightfully braced. I consider -this pretty soft for you.'</p> - -<p>He gave a kind of yelp, stared at me for a moment, and then began to -talk of New York in a way that reminded me of Jimmy Mundy, the reformer -bloke. Jimmy had just come to New York on a hit-the-trail campaign, and -I had popped in at Madison Square Garden a couple of days before, for -half an hour or so, to hear him. He had certainly told New York some -pretty straight things about itself, having apparently taken a dislike -to the place, but, by Jove, you know, dear old Rocky made him look like -a publicity agent for the old metrop!</p> - -<p>'Pretty soft!' he cried. 'To have to come and live in New York! To have -to leave my little cottage and take a stuffy, smelly, over-heated hole -of an apartment in this Heaven-forsaken, festering Gehenna. To have -to mix night after night with a mob who think that life is a sort of -St Vitus's dance, and imagine that they're having a good time because -they're making enough noise for six and drinking too much for ten. I -loathe New York,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span> Bertie. I wouldn't come near the place if I hadn't -got to see editors occasionally. There's a blight on it. It's got moral -delirium tremens. It's the limit. The very thought of staying more than -a day in it makes me sick. And you call this thing pretty soft for me!'</p> - -<p>I felt rather like Lot's friends must have done when they dropped in -for a quiet chat and their genial host began to criticize the Cities of -the Plain. I had no idea old Rocky could be so eloquent.</p> - -<p>'It would kill me to have to live in New York,' he went on. 'To have -to share the air with six million people! To have to wear stiff -collars and decent clothes all the time! To—' He started. 'Good Lord! -I suppose I should have to dress for dinner in the evenings. What a -ghastly notion!'</p> - -<p>I was shocked, absolutely shocked.</p> - -<p>'My dear chap!' I said, reproachfully.</p> - -<p>'Do you dress for dinner every night, Bertie?'</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said coldly. 'How many suits of evening clothes have we?'</p> - -<p>'We have three suits of full evening dress, sir; two dinner jackets—'</p> - -<p>'Three.'</p> - -<p>'For practical purposes two only, sir. If you remember, we cannot wear -the third. We have also seven white waistcoats.'</p> - -<p>'And shirts?'</p> - -<p>'Four dozen, sir.'</p> - -<p>'And white ties?'</p> - -<p>'The first two shallow shelves in the chest of drawers are completely -filled with our white ties, sir.'</p> - -<p>I turned to Rocky.</p> - -<p>'You see?'</p> - -<p>The chappie writhed like an electric fan.</p> - -<p>'I won't do it! I can't do it! I'll be hanged if I'll do it! How on -earth can I dress up like that? Do you realize that most days I don't -get out of my pyjamas till five in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span> the afternoon, and then I just put -on an old sweater?'</p> - -<p>I saw Jeeves wince, poor chap. This sort of revelation shocked his -finest feelings.</p> - -<p>'Then, what are you going to do about it?' I said.</p> - -<p>'That's what I want to know.'</p> - -<p>'You might write and explain to your aunt.'</p> - -<p>'I might—if I wanted her to get round to her lawyer's in two rapid -leaps and cut me out of her will.'</p> - -<p>I saw his point.</p> - -<p>'What do you suggest, Jeeves?' I said.</p> - -<p>Jeeves cleared his throat respectfully.</p> - -<p>'The crux of the matter would appear to be, sir, that Mr Todd is -obliged by the conditions under which the money is delivered into -his possession to write Miss Rockmetteller long and detailed letters -relating to his movements, and the only method by which this can -be accomplished, if Mr Todd adheres to his expressed intention of -remaining in the country, is for Mr Todd to induce some second party to -gather the actual experiences which Miss Rockmetteller wishes reported -to her, and to convey these to him in the shape of a careful report, on -which it would be possible for him, with the aid of his imagination, to -base the suggested correspondence.'</p> - -<p>Having got which off the old diaphragm, Jeeves was silent. Rocky looked -at me in a helpless sort of way. He hasn't been brought up on Jeeves as -I have, and he isn't on to his curves.</p> - -<p>'Could he put it a little clearer, Bertie?' he said. 'I thought at the -start it was going to make sense, but it kind of flickered. What's the -idea?'</p> - -<p>'My dear old man, perfectly simple. I knew we could stand on Jeeves. -All you've got to do is to get somebody to go round the town for you -and take a few notes, and then you work the notes up into letters. -That's it, isn't it, Jeeves?'</p> - -<p>'Precisely, sir.'</p> - -<p>The light of hope gleamed in Rocky's eyes. He looked<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span> at Jeeves in a -startled way, dazed by the man's vast intellect.</p> - -<p>'But who would do it?' he said. 'It would have to be a pretty smart -sort of man, a man who would notice things.'</p> - -<p>'Jeeves!' I said. 'Let Jeeves do it.'</p> - -<p>'But would he?'</p> - -<p>'You would do it, wouldn't you, Jeeves?'</p> - -<p>For the first time in our long connexion I observed Jeeves almost -smile. The corner of his mouth curved quite a quarter of an inch, and -for a moment his eye ceased to look like a meditative fish's.</p> - -<p>'I should be delighted to oblige, sir. As a matter of fact, I have -already visited some of New York's places of interest on my evening -out, and it would be most enjoyable to make a practice of the pursuit.'</p> - -<p>'Fine! I know exactly what your aunt wants to hear about, Rocky. She -wants an earful of cabaret stuff. The place you ought to go to first, -Jeeves, is Reigelheimer's. It's on Forty-second Street. Anybody will -show you the way.'</p> - -<p>Jeeves shook his head.</p> - -<p>'Pardon me, sir. People are no longer going to Reigelheimer's. The -place at the moment is Frolics on the Roof.'</p> - -<p>'You see?' I said to Rocky. 'Leave it to Jeeves. He knows.'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>It isn't often that you find an entire group of your fellow-humans -happy in this world; but our little circle was certainly an example of -the fact that it can be done. We were all full of beans. Everything -went absolutely right from the start.</p> - -<p>Jeeves was happy, partly because he loves to exercise his giant brain, -and partly because he was having a corking time among the bright -lights. I saw him one night at the Midnight Revels. He was sitting at a -table on the edge of the dancing floor, doing himself remarkably well -with a fat cigar. His face wore an<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span> expression of austere benevolence, -and he was making notes in a small book.</p> - -<p>As for the rest of us, I was feeling pretty good, because I was fond -of old Rocky and glad to be able to do him a good turn. Rocky was -perfectly contented, because he was still able to sit on fences in his -pyjamas and watch worms. And, as for the aunt, she seemed tickled to -death. She was getting Broadway at pretty long range, but it seemed to -be hitting her just right. I read one of her letters to Rocky, and it -was full of life.</p> - -<p>But then Rocky's letters, based on Jeeves's notes, were enough to -buck anybody up. It was rummy when you came to think of it. There was -I, loving the life, while the mere mention of it gave Rocky a tired -feeling; yet here is a letter I wrote home to a pal of mine in London:</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> -<p>Dear Freddie,</p> - -<p>Well, here I am in New York. It's not a bad place. I'm not having a -bad time. Everything's not bad. The cabarets aren't bad. Don't know -when I shall be back. How's everybody? Cheerio!</p> - -<p>Yours,</p> - -<p>Bertie.</p> - -<p>P.S.—Seen old Ted lately?</p></div> - -<p>Not that I cared about old Ted; but if I hadn't dragged him in I -couldn't have got the confounded thing on to the second page.</p> - -<p>Now here's old Rocky on exactly the same subject:</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> -<p>Dearest Aunt Isabel,</p> - -<p>How can I ever thank you enough for giving me the opportunity to live -in this astounding city! New York seems more wonderful every day.</p> - -<p>Fifth Avenue is at its best, of course, just now. The dresses are -magnificent!</p></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span></p> - -<p>Wads of stuff about the dresses. I didn't know Jeeves was such an -authority.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> -<p>I was out with some of the crowd at the Midnight Revels the other -night. We took in a show first, after a little dinner at a new place -on Forty-third Street. We were quite a gay party. Georgie Cohan looked -in about midnight and got off a good story about Willie Collier. Fred -Stone could only stay a minute, but Doug. Fairbanks did all sorts of -stunts and made us roar. Ed Wynn was there, and Laurette Taylor showed -up with a party. The show at the Revels is quite good. I am enclosing -a programme.</p> - -<p>Last night a few of us went round to Frolics on the Roof—</p></div> - -<p>And so on and so forth, yards of it. I suppose it's the artistic -temperament or something. What I mean is, it's easier for a chappie -who's used to writing poems and that sort of tosh to put a bit of a -punch into a letter than it is for a fellow like me. Anyway, there's no -doubt that Rocky's correspondence was hot stuff. I called Jeeves in and -congratulated him.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves, you're a wonder!'</p> - -<p>'Thank you, sir.'</p> - -<p>'How you notice everything at these places beats me. I couldn't tell -you a thing about them, except that I've had a good time.'</p> - -<p>'It's just a knack, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Well, Mr Todd's letters ought to brace Miss Rockmetteller all right, -what?'</p> - -<p>'Undoubtedly, sir,' agreed Jeeves.</p> - -<p>And, by Jove, they did! They certainly did, by George! What I mean to -say is, I was sitting in the apartment one afternoon, about a month -after the thing had started, smoking a cigarette and resting the old -bean, when the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span> door opened and the voice of Jeeves burst the silence -like a bomb.</p> - -<p>It wasn't that he spoke loud. He has one of those soft, soothing voices -that slide through the atmosphere like the note of a far-off sheep. It -was what he said that made me leap like a young gazelle.</p> - -<p>'Miss Rockmetteller!'</p> - -<p>And in came a large, solid female.</p> - -<p>The situation floored me. I'm not denying it. Hamlet must have felt -much as I did when his father's ghost bobbed up in the fairway. I'd -come to look on Rocky's aunt as such a permanency at her own home that -it didn't seem possible that she could really be here in New York. I -stared at her. Then I looked at Jeeves. He was standing there in an -attitude of dignified detachment, the chump, when, if ever he should -have been rallying round the young master, it was now.</p> - -<p>Rocky's aunt looked less like an invalid than anyone I've ever seen, -except my Aunt Agatha. She had a good deal of Aunt Agatha about her, -as a matter of fact. She looked as if she might be deucedly dangerous -if put upon; and something seemed to tell me that she would certainly -regard herself as put upon if she ever found out the game which poor -old Rocky had been pulling on her.</p> - -<p>'Good afternoon,' I managed to say.</p> - -<p>'How do you do?' she said. 'Mr Cohan?'</p> - -<p>'Er—no.'</p> - -<p>'Mr Fred Stone?'</p> - -<p>'Not absolutely. As a matter of fact, my name's Wooster—Bertie -Wooster.'</p> - -<p>She seemed disappointed. The fine old name of Wooster appeared to mean -nothing in her life.</p> - -<p>'Isn't Rockmetteller home?' she said. 'Where is he?'</p> - -<p>She had me with the first shot. I couldn't think of anything to say. I -couldn't tell her that Rocky was down in the country, watching worms.</p> - -<p>There was the faintest flutter of sound in the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span> background. It was the -respectful cough with which Jeeves announces that he is about to speak -without having been spoken to.</p> - -<p>'If you remember, sir, Mr Todd went out in the automobile with a party -earlier in the afternoon.'</p> - -<p>'So he did, Jeeves; so he did,' I said, looking at my watch. 'Did he -say when he would be back?'</p> - -<p>'He gave me to understand, sir, that he would be somewhat late in -returning.'</p> - -<p>He vanished; and the aunt took the chair which I'd forgotten to offer -her. She looked at me in rather a rummy way. It was a nasty look. It -made me feel as if I were something the dog had brought in and intended -to bury later on, when he had time. My own Aunt Agatha, back in -England, has looked at me in exactly the same way many a time, and it -never fails to make my spine curl.</p> - -<p>'You seem very much at home here, young man. Are you a great friend of -Rockmetteller's?'</p> - -<p>'Oh, yes, rather!'</p> - -<p>She frowned as if she had expected better things of old Rocky.</p> - -<p>'Well, you need to be,' she said, 'the way you treat his flat as your -own!'</p> - -<p>I give you my word, this quite unforeseen slam simply robbed me of the -power of speech. I'd been looking on myself in the light of the dashing -host, and suddenly to be treated as an intruder jarred me. It wasn't, -mark you, as if she had spoken in a way to suggest that she considered -my presence in the place as an ordinary social call. She obviously -looked on me as a cross between a burglar and the plumber's man come to -fix the leak in the bathroom. It hurt her—my being there.</p> - -<p>At this juncture, with the conversation showing every sign of being -about to die in awful agonies, an idea came to me. Tea—the good old -stand-by.</p> - -<p>'Would you care for a cup of tea?' I said.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Tea?'</p> - -<p>She spoke as if she had never heard of the stuff.</p> - -<p>'Nothing like a cup after a journey,' I said. 'Bucks you up! Puts a bit -of zip into you. What I mean is, restores you, and so on, don't you -know. I'll go and tell Jeeves.'</p> - -<p>I tottered down the passage to Jeeves's lair. The man was reading the -evening paper as if he hadn't a care in the world.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, 'we want some tea.'</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir.'</p> - -<p>'I say, Jeeves, this is a bit thick, what?'</p> - -<p>I wanted sympathy, don't you know—sympathy and kindness. The old nerve -centres had had the deuce of a shock.</p> - -<p>'She's got the idea this place belongs to Mr Todd. What on earth put -that into her head?'</p> - -<p>Jeeves filled the kettle with a restrained dignity.</p> - -<p>'No doubt because of Mr Todd's letters, sir,' he said. 'It was my -suggestion, sir, if you remember, that they should be addressed from -this apartment in order that Mr Todd should appear to possess a good -central residence in the city.'</p> - -<p>I remembered. We had thought it a brainy scheme at the time.</p> - -<p>'Well, it's dashed awkward, you know, Jeeves. She looks on me as an -intruder. By Jove! I suppose she thinks I'm someone who hangs about -here, touching Mr Todd for free meals and borrowing his shirts.'</p> - -<p>'Extremely probable, sir.'</p> - -<p>'It's pretty rotten you know.'</p> - -<p>'Most disturbing, sir.'</p> - -<p>'And there's another thing: What are we to do about Mr Todd? We've got -to get him up here as soon as ever we can. When you have brought the -tea you had better go out and send him a telegram, telling him to come -up by the next train.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></p> - -<p>'I have already done so, sir. I took the liberty of writing the message -and dispatching it by the lift attendant.'</p> - -<p>'By Jove, you think of everything, Jeeves!'</p> - -<p>'Thank you, sir. A little buttered toast with the tea? Just so, sir. -Thank you.'</p> - -<p>I went back to the sitting-room. She hadn't moved an inch. She was -still bolt upright on the edge of her chair, gripping her umbrella like -a hammer-thrower. She gave me another of those looks as I came in. -There was no doubt about it; for some reason she had taken a dislike to -me. I suppose because I wasn't George M. Cohan. It was a bit hard on a -chap.</p> - -<p>'This is a surprise, what?' I said, after about five minutes' restful -silence, trying to crank the conversation up again.</p> - -<p>'What is a surprise?'</p> - -<p>'Your coming here, don't you know, and so on.'</p> - -<p>She raised her eyebrows and drank me in a bit more through her glasses.</p> - -<p>'Why is it surprising that I should visit my only nephew?' she said.</p> - -<p>'Oh, rather,' I said. 'Of course! Certainly. What I mean is—'</p> - -<p>Jeeves projected himself into the room with the tea. I was jolly glad -to see him. There's nothing like having a bit of business arranged for -one when one isn't certain of one's lines. With the teapot to fool -about with I felt happier.</p> - -<p>'Tea, tea, tea—what! What!' I said.</p> - -<p>It wasn't what I had meant to say. My idea had been to be a good deal -more formal, and so on. Still, it covered the situation. I poured her -out a cup. She sipped it and put the cup down with a shudder.</p> - -<p>'Do you mean to say, young man,' she said, frostily, 'that you expect -me to drink this stuff?'</p> - -<p>'Rather! Bucks you up, you know.'</p> - -<p>'What do you mean by the expression "Bucks you up"?'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Well, makes you full of beans, you know. Makes you fizz.'</p> - -<p>'I don't understand a word you say. You're English, aren't you?'</p> - -<p>I admitted it. She didn't say a word. And she did it in a way that made -it worse than if she had spoken for hours. Somehow it was brought home -to me that she didn't like Englishmen, and that if she had had to meet -an Englishman I was the one she'd have chosen last.</p> - -<p>Conversation languished once more after that.</p> - -<p>Then I tried again. I was becoming more convinced every moment that you -can't make a real lively <i>salon</i> with a couple of people, especially if -one of them lets it go a word at a time.</p> - -<p>'Are you comfortable at your hotel?' I said.</p> - -<p>'At which hotel?'</p> - -<p>'The hotel you're staying at.'</p> - -<p>'I am not staying at an hotel.'</p> - -<p>'Stopping with friends—what?'</p> - -<p>'I am naturally stopping with my nephew.'</p> - -<p>I didn't get it for the moment; then it hit me.</p> - -<p>'What! Here?' I gurgled.</p> - -<p>'Certainly! Where else should I go?'</p> - -<p>The full horror of the situation rolled over me like a wave. I couldn't -see what on earth I was to do. I couldn't explain that this wasn't -Rocky's flat without giving the poor old chap away hopelessly, because -she would then ask me where he did live, and then he would be right in -the soup. I was trying to recover from the shock when she spoke again.</p> - -<p>'Will you kindly tell my nephew's manservant to prepare my room? I wish -to lie down.'</p> - -<p>'Your nephew's manservant?'</p> - -<p>'The man you call Jeeves. If Rockmetteller has gone for an automobile -ride there is no need for you to wait for him. He will naturally wish -to be alone with me when he returns.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p> - -<p>I found myself tottering out of the room. The thing was too much for -me. I crept into Jeeves's den.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves!' I whispered.</p> - -<p>'Sir?'</p> - -<p>'Mix me a b-and-s, Jeeves. I feel weak.'</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir.'</p> - -<p>'This is getting thicker every minute, Jeeves.'</p> - -<p>'Sir?'</p> - -<p>'She thinks you're Mr Todd's man. She thinks the whole place is his, -and everything in it. I don't see what you're to do, except stay on and -keep it up. We can't say anything or she'll get on to the whole thing, -and I don't want to let Mr Todd down. By the way, Jeeves, she wants you -to prepare her bed.'</p> - -<p>He looked wounded.</p> - -<p>'It is hardly my place, sir—'</p> - -<p>'I know—I know. But do it as a personal favour to me. If you come to -that, it's hardly my place to be flung out of the flat like this and -have to go to an hotel, what?'</p> - -<p>'Is it your intention to go to an hotel, sir? What will you do for -clothes?'</p> - -<p>'Good Lord! I hadn't thought of that. Can you put a few things in a bag -when she isn't looking, and sneak them down to me at the St Aurea?'</p> - -<p>'I will endeavour to do so, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Well, I don't think there's anything more, is there? Tell Mr Todd -where I am when he gets here.'</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir.'</p> - -<p>I looked round the place. The moment of parting had come. I felt sad. -The whole thing reminded me of one of those melodramas where they drive -chappies out of the old homestead into the snow.</p> - -<p>'Good-bye, Jeeves,' I said.</p> - -<p>'Good-bye, sir.'</p> - -<p>And I staggered out.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span></p> - -<p>You know, I rather think I agree with those poet-and-philosopher -Johnnies who insist that a fellow ought to be devilish pleased if -he has a bit of trouble. All that stuff about being refined by -suffering, you know. Suffering does give a chap a sort of broader and -more sympathetic outlook. It helps you to understand other people's -misfortunes if you've been through the same thing yourself.</p> - -<p>As I stood in my lonely bedroom at the hotel, trying to tie my white -tie myself, it struck me for the first time that there must be whole -squads of chappies in the world who had to get along without a man to -look after them. I'd always thought of Jeeves as a kind of natural -phenomenon; but, by Jove! of course, when you come to think of it, -there must be quite a lot of fellows who have to press their own -clothes themselves, and haven't got anybody to bring them tea in the -morning, and so on. It was rather a solemn thought, don't you know. I -mean to say, ever since then I've been able to appreciate the frightful -privations the poor have to stick.</p> - -<p>I got dressed somehow. Jeeves hadn't forgotten a thing in his packing. -Everything was there, down to the final stud. I'm not sure this didn't -make me feel worse. It kind of deepened the pathos. It was like what -somebody or other wrote about the touch of a vanished hand.</p> - -<p>I had a bit of dinner somewhere and went to a show of some kind; but -nothing seemed to make any difference. I simply hadn't the heart to go -on to supper anywhere. I just went straight up to bed. I don't know -when I've felt so rotten. Somehow I found myself moving about the -room softly, as if there had been a death in the family. If I had had -anybody to talk to I should have talked in a whisper; in fact, when the -telephone-bell rang I answered in such a sad, hushed voice that the -fellow at the other end of the wire said 'Hallo!' five times, thinking -he hadn't got me.</p> - -<p>It was Rocky. The poor old scout was deeply agitated.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Bertie! Is that you, Bertie? Oh, gosh! I'm having a time!'</p> - -<p>'Where are you speaking from?'</p> - -<p>'The Midnight Revels. We've been here an hour, and I think we're a -fixture for the night. I've told Aunt Isabel I've gone out to call up -a friend to join us. She's glued to a chair, with this-is-the-life -written all over her, taking it in through the pores. She loves it, and -I'm nearly crazy.'</p> - -<p>'Tell me all, old top,' I said.</p> - -<p>'A little more of this,' he said, 'and I shall sneak quietly off to -the river and end it all. Do you mean to say you go through this sort -of thing every night, Bertie, and enjoy it? It's simply infernal! I -was just snatching a wink of sleep behind the bill of fare just now -when about a million yelling girls swooped down, with toy balloons. -There are two orchestras here, each trying to see if it can't play -louder than the other. I'm a mental and physical wreck. When your -telegram arrived I was just lying down for a quiet pipe, with a sense -of absolute peace stealing over me. I had to get dressed and sprint two -miles to catch the train. It nearly gave me heart-failure; and on top -of that I almost got brain fever inventing lies to tell Aunt Isabel. -And then I had to cram myself into these confounded evening clothes of -yours.'</p> - -<p>I gave a sharp wail of agony. It hadn't struck me till then that Rocky -was depending on my wardrobe to see him through.</p> - -<p>'You'll ruin them!'</p> - -<p>'I hope so,' said Rocky in the most unpleasant way. His troubles seemed -to have had the worst effect on his character. 'I should like to get -back at them somehow; they've given me a bad enough time. They're about -three sizes too small, and something's apt to give at any moment. I -wish to goodness it would, and give me a chance to breathe. I haven't -breathed since half past seven. Thank heaven, Jeeves managed to get out -and buy<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span> me a collar that fitted, or I should be a strangled corpse -by now! It was touch and go till the stud broke. Bertie, this is pure -Hades! Aunt Isabel keeps on urging me to dance. How on earth can I -dance when I don't know a soul to dance with? And how the deuce could -I, even if I knew every girl in the place? It's taking big chances even -to move in these trousers. I had to tell her I've hurt my ankle. She -keeps asking me when Cohan and Stone are going to turn up; and it's -simply a question of time before she discovers that Stone is sitting -two tables away. Something's got to be done, Bertie! You've got to -think up some way of getting me out of this mess. It was you who got me -into it.'</p> - -<p>'Me! What do you mean?'</p> - -<p>'Well, Jeeves, then. It's all the same. It was you who suggested -leaving it to Jeeves. It was those letters I wrote from his notes that -did the mischief. I made them too good. My aunt's just been telling me -about it. She says she had resigned herself to ending her life where -she was, and then my letters began to arrive, describing the joys of -New York; and they stimulated her to such an extent that she pulled -herself together and made the trip. She seems to think she's had some -miraculous kind of faith cure. I tell you I can't stand it, Bertie! -It's got to end!'</p> - -<p>'Can't Jeeves think of anything?'</p> - -<p>'No. He just hangs round, saying: "Most disturbing, sir!" A fat lot of -help that is!'</p> - -<p>'Well, old lad,' I said, 'after all, it's far worse for me than it is -for you. You've got a comfortable home and Jeeves. And you're saving a -lot of money.'</p> - -<p>'Saving money? What do you mean—saving money?'</p> - -<p>'Why, the allowance your aunt was giving you. I suppose she's paying -all the expenses now, isn't she?'</p> - -<p>'Certainly she is: but she's stopped the allowance. She wrote the -lawyers tonight. She says that, now she's in New York, there is no -necessity for it to go on, as we<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span> shall always be together, and it's -simpler for her to look after that end of it. I tell you, Bertie, I've -examined the darned cloud with a microscope, and if it's got a silver -lining it's some little dissembler!'</p> - -<p>'But, Rocky, old top, it's too bally awful! You've no notion of what -I'm going through in this beastly hotel, without Jeeves. I must get -back to the flat.'</p> - -<p>'Don't come near the flat!'</p> - -<p>'But it's my own flat.'</p> - -<p>'I can't help that. Aunt Isabel doesn't like you. She asked me what you -did for a living. And when I told her you didn't do anything she said -she thought as much, and that you were a typical specimen of a useless -and decaying aristocracy. So if you think you have made a hit, forget -it. Now I must be going back, or she'll be coming out here after me. -Good-bye.'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Next morning Jeeves came round. It was all so home-like when he floated -noiselessly into the room that I nearly broke down.</p> - -<p>'Good morning, sir,' he said. 'I have brought a few more of your -personal belongings.'</p> - -<p>He began to unstrap the suit-case he was carrying.</p> - -<p>'Did you have any trouble sneaking them away?'</p> - -<p>'It was not easy, sir. I had to watch my chance. Miss Rockmetteller is -a remarkably alert lady.'</p> - -<p>'You know, Jeeves, say what you like—this <i>is</i> a bit thick, isn't it?'</p> - -<p>'The situation is certainly one that has never before come under my -notice, sir. I have brought the heather-mixture suit, as the climatic -conditions are congenial. Tomorrow, if not prevented, I will endeavour -to add the brown lounge with the faint green twill.'</p> - -<p>'It can't go on—this sort of thing—Jeeves.'</p> - -<p>'We must hope for the best, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Can't you think of anything to do?'</p> - -<p>'I have been giving the matter considerable thought,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span> sir, but so far -without success. I am placing three silk shirts—the dove-coloured, the -light blue, and the mauve—in the first long drawer, sir.'</p> - -<p>'You don't mean to say you can't think of anything, Jeeves?'</p> - -<p>'For the moment, sir, no. You will find a dozen handkerchiefs and the -tan socks in the upper drawer on the left.' He strapped the suit-case -and put it on a chair. 'A curious lady, Miss Rockmetteller, sir.'</p> - -<p>'You understate it, Jeeves.'</p> - -<p>He gazed meditatively out of the window.</p> - -<p>'In many ways, sir, Miss Rockmetteller reminds me of an aunt of mine -who resides in the south-east portion of London. Their temperaments -are much alike. My aunt has the same taste for the pleasures of the -great city. It is a passion with her to ride in hansom cabs, sir. -Whenever the family take their eyes off her she escapes from the house -and spends the day riding about in cabs. On several occasions she has -broken into the children's savings bank to secure the means to enable -her to gratify this desire.'</p> - -<p>'I love to have these little chats with you about your female -relatives, Jeeves,' I said coldly, for I felt that the man had let me -down, and I was fed up with him. 'But I don't see what all this has got -to do with my trouble.'</p> - -<p>'I beg your pardon, sir. I am leaving a small assortment of our -neckties on the mantelpiece, sir, for you to select according to your -preference. I should recommend the blue with the red domino pattern, -sir.'</p> - -<p>Then he streamed imperceptibly towards the door and flowed silently out.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I've often heard that fellows after some great shock or loss have a -habit, after they've been on the floor for a while wondering what -hit them, of picking themselves up and piecing themselves together, -and sort of taking a whirl at beginning a new life. Time, the great -healer, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span> Nature adjusting itself and so on and so forth. There's a -lot in it. I know, because in my own case, after a day or two of what -you might call prostration, I began to recover. The frightful loss of -Jeeves made any thought of pleasure more or less a mockery, but at -least I found that I was able to have a dash at enjoying life again. -What I mean is, I braced up to the extent of going round the cabarets -once more, so as to try to forget, if only for the moment.</p> - -<p>New York's a small place when it comes to the part of it that wakes up -just as the rest is going to bed, and it wasn't long before my tracks -began to cross old Rocky's. I saw him once at Peale's, and again at -Frolics on the Roof. There wasn't anybody with him either time except -the aunt, and, though he was trying to look as if he had struck the -ideal life, it wasn't difficult for me, knowing the circumstances, to -see that beneath the mask the poor chap was suffering. My heart bled -for the fellow. At least, what there was of it that wasn't bleeding for -myself bled for him. He had the air of one who was about to crack under -the strain.</p> - -<p>It seemed to me that the aunt was looking slightly upset also. I took -it that she was beginning to wonder when the celebrities were going to -surge round, and what had suddenly become of all those wild, careless -spirits Rocky used to mix with in his letters. I didn't blame her. I -had only read a couple of his letters, but they certainly gave the -impression that poor old Rocky was by way of being the hub of New -York night life, and that, if by any chance he failed to show up at a -cabaret, the management said, 'What's the use?' and put up the shutters.</p> - -<p>The next two nights I didn't come across them, but the night after -that I was sitting by myself at the Maison Pierre when somebody tapped -me on the shoulder-blade, and I found Rocky standing beside me, with -a sort of mixed expression of wistfulness and apoplexy on his<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span> face. -How the man had contrived to wear my evening clothes so many times -without disaster was a mystery to me. He confided later that early in -the proceedings he had slit the waistcoat up the back and that that had -helped a lot.</p> - -<p>For a moment I had the idea that he had managed to get away from his -aunt for the evening; but, looking past him, I saw that she was in -again. She was at a table over by the wall, looking at me as if I were -something the management ought to be complained to about.</p> - -<p>'Bertie, old scout,' said Rocky, in a quiet, sort of crushed voice, -'we've always been pals, haven't we? I mean, you know I'd do you a good -turn if you asked me.'</p> - -<p>'My dear old lad,' I said. The man had moved me.</p> - -<p>'Then, for Heaven's sake, come over and sit at our table for the rest -of the evening.'</p> - -<p>Well, you know, there are limits to the sacred claims of friendship.</p> - -<p>'My dear chap,' I said, 'you know I'd do anything in reason; but—'</p> - -<p>'You must come, Bertie. You've got to. Something's got to be done to -divert her mind. She's brooding about something. She's been like that -for the last two days. I think she's beginning to suspect. She can't -understand why we never seem to meet anyone I know at these joints. -A few nights ago I happened to run into two newspaper men I used to -know fairly well. That kept me going for a while. I introduced them -to Aunt Isabel as David Belasco and Jim Corbett, and it went well. -But the effect has worn off now, and she's beginning to wonder again. -Something's got to be done, or she will find out everything, and if she -does I'd take a nickel for my chance of getting a cent from her later -on. So, for the love of Mike, come across to our table and help things -along.'</p> - -<p>I went along. One has to rally round a pal in distress.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span> Aunt Isabel -was sitting bolt upright, as usual. It certainly did seem as if she -had lost a bit of the zest with which she had started out to explore -Broadway. She looked as if she had been thinking a good deal about -rather unpleasant things.</p> - -<p>'You've met Bertie Wooster, Aunt Isabel?' said Rocky.</p> - -<p>'I have.'</p> - -<p>'Take a seat, Bertie,' said Rocky.</p> - -<p>And so the merry party began. It was one of those jolly, happy, -bread-crumbling parties where you cough twice before you speak, and -then decide not to say it after all. After we had had an hour of this -wild dissipation, Aunt Isabel said she wanted to go home. In the light -of what Rocky had been telling me, this struck me as sinister. I had -gathered that at the beginning of her visit she had had to be dragged -home with ropes.</p> - -<p>It must have hit Rocky the same way, for he gave me a pleading look.</p> - -<p>'You'll come along, won't you, Bertie, and have a drink at the flat?'</p> - -<p>I had a feeling that this wasn't in the contract, but there wasn't -anything to be done. It seemed brutal to leave the poor chap alone with -the woman, so I went along.</p> - -<p>Right from the start, from the moment we stepped into the taxi, the -feeling began to grow that something was about to break loose. A -massive silence prevailed in the corner where the aunt sat, and, though -Rocky, balancing himself on the little seat in front, did his best to -supply dialogue, we weren't a chatty party.</p> - -<p>I had a glimpse of Jeeves as we went into the flat, sitting in his -lair, and I wished I could have called to him to rally round. Something -told me that I was about to need him.</p> - -<p>The stuff was on the table in the sitting-room. Rocky took up the -decanter.</p> - -<p>'Say when, Bertie.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Stop!' barked the aunt, and he dropped it.</p> - -<p>I caught Rocky's eye as he stooped to pick up the ruins. It was the eye -of one who sees it coming.</p> - -<p>'Leave it there, Rockmetteller!' said Aunt Isabel; and Rocky left it -there.</p> - -<p>'The time has come to speak,' she said. 'I cannot stand idly by and see -a young man going to perdition!'</p> - -<p>Poor old Rocky gave a sort of gurgle, a kind of sound rather like the -whisky had made running out of the decanter on to my carpet.</p> - -<p>'Eh?' he said, blinking.</p> - -<p>The aunt proceeded.</p> - -<p>'The fault,' she said, 'was mine. I had not then seen the light. But -now my eyes are open. I see the hideous mistake I have made. I shudder -at the thought of the wrong I did you, Rockmetteller, by urging you -into contact with this wicked city.'</p> - -<p>I saw Rocky grope feebly for the table. His fingers touched it, and -a look of relief came into the poor chappie's face. I understood his -feelings.</p> - -<p>'But when I wrote you that letter, Rockmetteller, instructing you to go -to the city and live its life, I had not had the privilege of hearing -Mr Mundy speak on the subject of New York.'</p> - -<p>'Jimmy Mundy!' I cried.</p> - -<p>You know how it is sometimes when everything seems all mixed up and -you suddenly get a clue. When she mentioned Jimmy Mundy I began to -understand more or less what had happened. I'd seen it happen before. I -remember, back in England, the man I had before Jeeves sneaked off to a -meeting on his evening out and came back and denounced me in front of a -crowd of chappies I was giving a bit of supper to as a useless blot on -the fabric of Society.</p> - -<p>The aunt gave me a withering up and down.</p> - -<p>'Yes; Jimmy Mundy!' she said. 'I am surprised at a man of your stamp -having heard of him. There is no<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span> music, there are no drunken, dancing -men, no shameless, flaunting women at his meetings; so for you they -would have no attraction. But for others, less dead in sin, he has his -message. He has come to save New York from itself; to force it—in -his picturesque phrase—to hit the trail. It was three days ago, -Rockmetteller, that I first heard him. It was an accident that took me -to his meeting. How often in this life a mere accident may shape our -whole future!</p> - -<p>'You had been called away by that telephone message from Mr Belasco; -so you could not take me to the Hippodrome, as we had arranged. I -asked your manservant, Jeeves, to take me there. The man has very -little intelligence. He seems to have misunderstood me. I am thankful -that he did. He took me to what I subsequently learned was Madison -Square Garden, where Mr Mundy is holding his meetings. He escorted me -to a seat and then left me. And it was not till the meeting had begun -that I discovered the mistake which had been made. My seat was in the -middle of a row. I could not leave without inconveniencing a great many -people, so I remained.'</p> - -<p>She gulped.</p> - -<p>'Rockmetteller, I have never been so thankful for anything else. Mr -Mundy was wonderful! He was like some prophet of old, scouring the -sins of the people. He leaped about in a frenzy of inspiration till I -feared he would do himself an injury. Sometimes he expressed himself in -a somewhat odd manner, but every word carried conviction. He showed me -New York in its true colours. He showed me the vanity and wickedness -of sitting in gilded haunts of vice, eating lobster when decent people -should be in bed.</p> - -<p>'He said that the tango and the fox-trot were devices of the devil -to drag people down into the Bottomless Pit. He said that there was -more sin in ten minutes with a negro banjo orchestra than in all the -ancient revels of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span> Nineveh and Babylon. And when he stood on one leg -and pointed right at where I was sitting and shouted "This means you!" -I could have sunk through the floor. I came away a changed woman. -Surely you must have noticed the change in me, Rockmetteller? You must -have seen that I was no longer the careless, thoughtless person who had -urged you to dance in those places of wickedness?'</p> - -<p>Rocky was holding on to the table as if it was his only friend.</p> - -<p>'Yes,' he stammered; 'I—I thought something was wrong.'</p> - -<p>'Wrong? Something was right! Everything was right! Rockmetteller, it -is not too late for you to be saved. You have only sipped of the evil -cup. You have not drained it. It will be hard at first, but you will -find that you can do it if you fight with a stout heart against the -glamour and fascination of this dreadful city. Won't you, for my sake, -try, Rockmetteller? Won't you go to the country tomorrow and begin the -struggle? Little by little, if you use your will—'</p> - -<p>I can't help thinking it must have been that word 'will' that roused -dear old Rocky like a trumpet call. It must have brought home to him -the realization that a miracle had come off and saved him from being -cut out of Aunt Isabel's. At any rate, as she said it he perked up, let -go of the table, and faced her with gleaming eyes.</p> - -<p>'Do you want me to go to the country, Aunt Isabel?'</p> - -<p>'Yes.'</p> - -<p>'To live in the country?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, Rockmetteller.'</p> - -<p>'Stay in the country all the time? Never come to New York?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, Rockmetteller; I mean just that. It is the only way. Only there -can you be safe from temptation. Will you do it, Rockmetteller? Will -you—for my sake?'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span></p> - -<p>Rocky grabbed the table again. He seemed to draw a lot of encouragement -from that table.</p> - -<p>'I will!' he said.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said. It was next day, and I was back in the old flat, -lying in the old arm-chair, with my feet upon the good old table. I had -just come from seeing dear old Rocky off to his country cottage, and an -hour before he had seen his aunt off to whatever hamlet it was that she -was the curse of; so we were alone at last. 'Jeeves, there's no place -like home—what?'</p> - -<p>'Very true, sir.'</p> - -<p>'The jolly old roof-tree, and all that sort of thing—what?'</p> - -<p>'Precisely, sir.'</p> - -<p>I lit another cigarette.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves.'</p> - -<p>'Sir?'</p> - -<p>'Do you know, at one point in the business I really thought you were -baffled.'</p> - -<p>'Indeed, sir?'</p> - -<p>'When did you get the idea of taking Miss Rockmetteller to the meeting? -It was pure genius!'</p> - -<p>'Thank you, sir. It came to me a little suddenly, one morning when I -was thinking of my aunt, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Your aunt? The hansom cab one?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir. I recollected that, whenever we observed one of her attacks -coming on, we used to send for the clergyman of the parish. We always -found that if he talked to her a while of higher things it diverted her -mind from hansom cabs. It occurred to me that the same treatment might -prove efficacious in the case of Miss Rockmetteller.'</p> - -<p>I was stunned by the man's resource.</p> - -<p>'It's brain,' I said; 'pure brain! What do you do to get like that, -Jeeves? I believe you must eat a lot of fish, or something. Do you eat -a lot of fish, Jeeves?'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span></p> - -<p>'No, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Oh, well, then, it's just a gift, I take it; and if you aren't born -that way there's no use worrying.'</p> - -<p>'Precisely, sir,' said Jeeves. 'If I might make the suggestion, sir, I -should not continue to wear your present tie. The green shade gives you -a slightly bilious air. I should strongly advocate the blue with the -red domino pattern instead, sir.'</p> - -<p>'All right, Jeeves,' I said humbly. 'You know!'</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h3><a name="c6_The_Rummy_Affair_of_Old_Biffy" id="c6_The_Rummy_Affair_of_Old_Biffy">6—The Rummy Affair of Old Biffy</a></h3> - - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, emerging from the old tub, 'rally round.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>I beamed on the man with no little geniality. I was putting in a week -or two in Paris at the moment, and there's something about Paris that -always makes me feel fairly full of <i>espièglerie</i> and <i>joie de vivre</i>.</p> - -<p>'Lay out our gent's medium-smart raiment, suitable for Bohemian -revels,' I said. 'I am lunching with an artist bloke on the other side -of the river.'</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir.'</p> - -<p>'And if anybody calls for me, Jeeves, say that I shall be back towards -the quiet evenfall.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir. Mr Biffen rang up on the telephone while you were in your -bath.'</p> - -<p>'Mr Biffen? Good heavens!'</p> - -<p>Amazing how one's always running across fellows in foreign -cities—coves, I mean, whom you haven't seen for ages and would have -betted weren't anywhere in the neighbourhood. Paris was the last place -where I should have expected to find old Biffy popping up. There was -a time when he and I had been lads about town together, lunching and -dining together practically every day; but some eighteen months back -his old godmother had died and left him that place in Herefordshire, -and he had retired there to wear gaiters and prod cows in the ribs and -generally be the country gentleman and landed proprietor. Since then I -had hardly seen him.</p> - -<p>'Old Biffy in Paris? What's he doing here?'</p> - -<p>'He did not confide in me, sir,' said Jeeves—a trifle frostily, I -thought. It sounded somehow as if he didn't<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span> like Biffy. And yet they -had always been matey enough in the old days.</p> - -<p>'Where's he staying?'</p> - -<p>'At the Hotel Avenida, Rue du Colisée, sir. He informed me that he was -about to take a walk and would call this afternoon.'</p> - -<p>'Well, if he comes when I'm out, tell him to wait. And now, Jeeves, -<i>mes gants, mon chapeau, et le whangee de monsieur</i>. I must be popping.'</p> - -<p>It was such a corking day and I had so much time in hand that near the -Sorbonne I stopped my cab, deciding to walk the rest of the way. And -I had hardly gone three steps and a half when there on the pavement -before me stood old Biffy in person. If I had completed the last step I -should have rammed him.</p> - -<p>'Biffy!' I cried. 'Well, well, well!'</p> - -<p>He peered at me in a blinking kind of way, rather like one of his -Herefordshire cows prodded unexpectedly while lunching.</p> - -<p>'Bertie!' he gurgled, in a devout sort of tone. 'Thank God!' He -clutched my arm. 'Don't leave me, Bertie. I'm lost.'</p> - -<p>'What do you mean, lost?'</p> - -<p>'I came out for a walk and suddenly discovered after a mile or two -that I didn't know where on earth I was. I've been wandering round in -circles for hours.'</p> - -<p>'Why didn't you ask the way?'</p> - -<p>'I can't speak a word of French.'</p> - -<p>'Well, why didn't you call a taxi?'</p> - -<p>'I suddenly discovered I'd left all my money at my hotel.'</p> - -<p>'You could have taken a cab and paid it when you got to the hotel.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, but I suddenly discovered, dash it, that I'd forgotten its name.'</p> - -<p>And there in a nutshell you have Charles Edward Biffen. As vague and -woollen-headed a blighter as ever<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span> bit a sandwich. Goodness knows—and -my Aunt Agatha will bear me out in this—I'm no master-mind myself but -compared with Biffy I'm one of the great thinkers of all time.</p> - -<p>'I'd give a shilling,' said Biffy wistfully, 'to know the name of that -hotel.'</p> - -<p>'You can owe it me. Hotel Avenida, Rue du Colisée.'</p> - -<p>'Bertie! This is uncanny. How the deuce did you know?'</p> - -<p>'That was the address you left with Jeeves this morning.'</p> - -<p>'So it was. I had forgotten.'</p> - -<p>'Well, come along and have a drink and then I'll put you in a cab and -send you home. I'm engaged for lunch, but I've plenty of time.'</p> - -<p>We drifted to one of the eleven cafés which jostled each other along -the street and I ordered restoratives.</p> - -<p>'What on earth are you doing in Paris?' I asked.</p> - -<p>'Bertie, old man,' said Biffy solemnly, 'I came here to try and forget.'</p> - -<p>'Well, you've certainly succeeded.'</p> - -<p>'You don't understand. The fact is, Bertie, old lad, my heart is -broken. I'll tell you the whole story.'</p> - -<p>'No, I say!' I protested. But he was off.</p> - -<p>'Last year,' said Biffy, 'I buzzed over to Canada to do a bit of salmon -fishing.'</p> - -<p>I ordered another. If this was going to be a fish-story, I needed -stimulants.</p> - -<p>'On the liner going to New York I met a girl.' Biffy made a sort of -curious gulping noise not unlike a bulldog trying to swallow half a -cutlet in a hurry so as to be ready for the other half. 'Bertie, old -man, I can't describe her. I simply can't describe her.'</p> - -<p>This was all to the good.</p> - -<p>'She was wonderful! We used to walk on the boat-deck after dinner. She -was on the stage. At least, sort of.'</p> - -<p>'How do you mean, sort of?'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Well, she had posed for artists and been a mannequin in a big -dressmaker's and all that sort of thing, don't you know. Anyway, she -had saved up a few pounds and was on her way to see if she could get -a job in New York. She told me all about herself. Her father ran a -milk-walk in Clapham. Or it may have been Cricklewood. At least, it was -either a milk-walk or a boot-shop.'</p> - -<p>'Easily confused.'</p> - -<p>'What I'm trying to make you understand,' said Biffy, 'is that she came -of good, sturdy, respectable middle-class stock. Nothing flashy about -her. The sort of wife any man might have been proud of.'</p> - -<p>'Well, whose wife was she?'</p> - -<p>'Nobody's. That's the whole point of the story. I wanted her to be -mine, and I lost her.'</p> - -<p>'Had a quarrel, you mean?'</p> - -<p>'No, I don't mean we had a quarrel. I mean I literally lost her. The -last I ever saw of her was in the Customs sheds at New York. We were -behind a pile of trunks, and I had just asked her to be my wife, and -she had just said she would and everything was perfectly splendid, when -a most offensive blighter in a peaked cap came up to talk about some -cigarettes which he had found at the bottom of my trunk and which I had -forgotten to declare. It was getting pretty late by then, for we hadn't -docked till about ten-thirty, so I told Mabel to go on to her hotel and -I would come round next day and take her to lunch. And since then I -haven't set eyes on her.'</p> - -<p>'You mean she wasn't at the hotel?'</p> - -<p>'Probably she was. But—'</p> - -<p>'You don't mean you never turned up?'</p> - -<p>'Bertie, old man,' said Biffy, in an overwrought kind of way, 'for -Heaven's sake don't keep trying to tell me what I mean and what I don't -mean! Let me tell this my own way, or I shall get all mixed up and have -to go back to the beginning.'</p> - -<p>'Tell it your own way,' I said hastily.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Well, then, to put it in a word, Bertie, I forgot the name of the -hotel. By the time I'd done half an hour's heavy explaining about those -cigarettes my mind was a blank. I had an idea I had written the name -down somewhere, but I couldn't have done, for it wasn't on any of the -papers in my pocket. No, it was no good. She was gone.'</p> - -<p>'Why didn't you make inquiries?'</p> - -<p>'Well, the fact is, Bertie, I had forgotten her name.'</p> - -<p>'Oh, no, dash it!' I said. This seemed a bit too thick even for Biffy. -'How could you forget her name? Besides, you told it me a moment ago. -Muriel or something.'</p> - -<p>'Mabel,' corrected Biffy coldly. 'It was her surname I'd forgotten. So -I gave it up and went to Canada.'</p> - -<p>'But half a second,' I said. 'You must have told her your name. I mean, -if you couldn't trace her, she could trace you.'</p> - -<p>'Exactly. That's what makes it all seem so infernally hopeless. She -knows my name and where I live and everything, but I haven't heard a -word from her. I suppose, when I didn't turn up at the hotel, she took -it that that was my way of hinting delicately that I had changed my -mind and wanted to call the thing off.'</p> - -<p>'I suppose so,' I said. There didn't seem anything else to suppose. -'Well, the only thing to do is to whizz around and try to heal the -wound, what? How about dinner tonight, winding up at the Abbaye or one -of those places?'</p> - -<p>Biffy shook his head.</p> - -<p>'It wouldn't be any good. I've tried it. Besides, I'm leaving on the -four o'clock train. I have a dinner engagement tomorrow with a man -who's nibbling at that house of mine in Herefordshire.'</p> - -<p>'Oh, are you trying to sell that place? I thought you liked it.'</p> - -<p>'I did. But the idea of going on living in that great, lonely barn of a -house after what has happened appals<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span> me, Bertie. So when Sir Roderick -Glossop came along—'</p> - -<p>'Sir Roderick Glossop! You don't mean the loony-doctor?'</p> - -<p>'The great nerve specialist, yes. Why, do you know him?'</p> - -<p>It was a warm day, but I shivered.</p> - -<p>'I was engaged to his daughter for a week or two,' I said, in a hushed -voice. The memory of that narrow squeak always made me feel faint.</p> - -<p>'Has he a daughter?' said Biffy absently.</p> - -<p>'He has. Let me tell you all about—'</p> - -<p>'Not just now, old man,' said Biffy, getting up. 'I ought to be going -back to my hotel to see about my packing.'</p> - -<p>Which, after I had listened to his story, struck me as pretty low-down. -However, the longer you live, the more you realize that the good old -sporting spirit of give-and-take has practically died out in our midst. -So I boosted him into a cab and went off to lunch.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>It can't have been more than ten days after this that I received a -nasty shock while getting outside my morning tea and toast. The English -papers had arrived, and Jeeves was just drifting out of the room after -depositing <i>The Times</i> by my bedside, when, as I idly turned the pages -in search of the sporting section, a paragraph leaped out and hit me -squarely in the eyeball.</p> - -<p>As follows:—</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> -<p class="ph1">FORTHCOMING MARRIAGES</p> - -<p class="ph1">MR C. E. BIFFEN AND MISS GLOSSOP</p> - -<p>The engagement is announced between Charles Edward, only son of the -late Mr E. C. Biffen, and Mrs Biffen, of 11 Penslow Square, Mayfair, -and Honoria Jane Louise, only daughter of Sir Roderick and Lady -Glossop, of 6b Harley Street, W.</p></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Great Scott!' I exclaimed.</p> - -<p>'Sir?' said Jeeves, turning at the door.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves, you remember Miss Glossop?'</p> - -<p>'Very vividly, sir.'</p> - -<p>'She's engaged to Mr Biffen!'</p> - -<p>'Indeed, sir?' said Jeeves. And, with not another word, he slid out. -The blighter's calm amazed and shocked me. It seemed to indicate that -there must be a horrible streak of callousness in him. I mean to say, -it wasn't as if he didn't know Honoria Glossop.</p> - -<p>I read the paragraph again. A peculiar feeling it gave me. I don't know -if you have ever experienced the sensation of seeing the announcement -of the engagement of a pal of yours to a girl whom you were only saved -from marrying yourself by the skin of your teeth. It induces a sort -of—well, it's difficult to describe it exactly; but I should imagine a -fellow would feel much the same if he happened to be strolling through -the jungle with a boyhood chum and met a tigress or a jaguar, or what -not, and managed to shin up a tree and looked down and saw the friend -of his youth vanishing into the undergrowth in the animal's slavering -jaws. A sort of profound, prayerful relief, if you know what I mean, -blended at the same time with a pang of pity. What I'm driving at is -that, thankful as I was that I hadn't had to marry Honoria myself, I -was sorry to see a real good chap like old Biffy copping it. I sucked -down a spot of tea and began to brood over the business.</p> - -<p>Of course, there are probably fellows in the world—tough, hardy blokes -with strong chins and glittering eyes—who could get engaged to this -Glossop menace and like it, but I knew perfectly well that Biffy was -not one of them. Honoria, you see, is one of those robust, dynamic -girls with the muscles of a welterweight and a laugh like a squadron -of cavalry charging over a tin bridge. A beastly thing to have to -face over the breakfast table. Brainy, moreover. The sort of girl who -reduces you to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span> pulp with sixteen sets of tennis and a few rounds of -golf and then comes down to dinner as fresh as a daisy, expecting you -to take an intelligent interest in Freud. If I had been engaged to her -another week, her old father would have had one more patient on his -books; and Biffy is much the same quiet sort of peaceful, inoffensive -bird as me. I was shocked, I tell you, shocked.</p> - -<p>And, as I was saying, the thing that shocked me most was Jeeves's -frightful lack of proper emotion. The man happening to float in at this -juncture, I gave him one more chance to show some human sympathy.</p> - -<p>'You got the name correctly, didn't you, Jeeves?' I said. 'Mr Biffen is -going to marry Honoria Glossop, the daughter of the old boy with the -egg-like head and the eyebrows.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir. Which suit would you wish me to lay out this morning?'</p> - -<p>And this, mark you, from the man who, when I was engaged to the -Glossop, strained every fibre in his brain to extricate me. It beat me. -I couldn't understand it.</p> - -<p>'The blue with the red twill,' I said coldly. My manner was marked, and -I meant him to see that he had disappointed me sorely.</p> - -<p>About a week later I went back to London, and scarcely had I got -settled in the old flat when Biffy blew in. One glance was enough to -tell me that the poisoned wound had begun to fester. The man did not -look bright. No, there was no getting away from it, not bright. He had -that kind of stunned, glassy expression which I used to see on my own -face in the shaving-mirror during my brief engagement to the Glossop -pestilence. However, if you don't want to be one of the What is Wrong -With This Picture brigade, you must observe the conventions, so I shook -his hand as warmly as I could.</p> - -<p>'Well, well, old man,' I said. 'Congratulations.'</p> - -<p>'Thanks,' said Biffy wanly, and there was rather a weighty silence.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Bertie,' said Biffy, after the silence had lasted about three minutes.</p> - -<p>'Hallo?'</p> - -<p>'Is it really true—?'</p> - -<p>'What?'</p> - -<p>'Oh, nothing,' said Biffy, and conversation languished again. After -about a minute and a half he came to the surface once more.</p> - -<p>'Bertie.'</p> - -<p>'Still here, old thing. What is it?'</p> - -<p>'I say, Bertie, is it really true that you were once engaged to -Honoria?'</p> - -<p>'It is.'</p> - -<p>Biffy coughed.</p> - -<p>'How did you get out—I mean, what was the nature of the tragedy that -prevented the marriage?'</p> - -<p>'Jeeves worked it. He thought out the entire scheme.'</p> - -<p>'I think, before I go,' said Biffy thoughtfully, 'I'll just step into -the kitchen and have a word with Jeeves.'</p> - -<p>I felt that the situation called for complete candour.</p> - -<p>'Biffy, old egg,' I said, 'as man to man, do you want to oil out of -this thing?'</p> - -<p>'Bertie, old cork,' said Biffy earnestly, 'as one friend to another, I -do.'</p> - -<p>'Then why the dickens did you ever get into it?'</p> - -<p>'I don't know. Why did you?'</p> - -<p>'I—well, it sort of happened.'</p> - -<p>'And it sort of happened with me. You know how it is when your heart's -broken. A kind of lethargy comes over you. You get absent-minded and -cease to exercise proper precautions, and the first thing you know -you're for it. I don't know how it happened, old man, but there it is. -And what I want you to tell me is, what's the procedure?'</p> - -<p>'You mean, how does a fellow edge out?'</p> - -<p>'Exactly. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, Bertie, but I can't -go through with this thing. The shot is<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span> not on the board. For about a -day and a half I thought it might be all right, but now—You remember -that laugh of hers?'</p> - -<p>'I do.'</p> - -<p>'Well, there's that, and then all this business of never letting a -fellow alone—improving his mind and so forth—'</p> - -<p>'I know. I know.'</p> - -<p>'Very well, then. What do you recommend? What did you mean when you -said that Jeeves worked a scheme?'</p> - -<p>'Well, you see, old Sir Roderick, who's a loony-doctor and nothing -but a loony-doctor, however much you may call him a nerve specialist, -discovered that there was a modicum of insanity in my family. Nothing -serious. Just one of my uncles. Used to keep rabbits in his bedroom. -And the old boy came to lunch here to give me the once-over, and Jeeves -arranged matters so that he went away firmly convinced that I was off -my onion.'</p> - -<p>'I see,' said Biffy thoughtfully. 'The trouble is there isn't any -insanity in my family.'</p> - -<p>'None?'</p> - -<p>It seemed to me almost incredible that a fellow could be such a perfect -chump as dear old Biffy without a bit of assistance.</p> - -<p>'Not a loony on the list,' he said gloomily. 'It's just like my luck. -The old boy's coming to lunch with me tomorrow, no doubt to test me as -he did you. And I never felt saner in my life.'</p> - -<p>I thought for a moment. The idea of meeting Sir Roderick again gave me -a cold shivery feeling; but when there is a chance of helping a pal we -Woosters have no thought of self.</p> - -<p>'Look here, Biffy,' I said, 'I'll tell you what. I'll roll up for that -lunch. It may easily happen that when he finds you are a pal of mine he -will forbid the banns right away and no more questions asked.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Something in that,' said Biffy, brightening. 'Awfully sporting of you, -Bertie.'</p> - -<p>'Oh, not at all,' I said. 'And meanwhile I'll consult Jeeves. Put the -whole thing up to him and ask his advice. He's never failed me yet.'</p> - -<p>Biffy pushed off, a good deal braced, and I went into the kitchen.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, 'I want your help once more. I've just been having a -painful interview with Mr Biffen.'</p> - -<p>'Indeed, sir?'</p> - -<p>'It's like this,' I said, and told him the whole thing.</p> - -<p>It was rummy, but I could feel him freezing from the start. As a rule, -when I call Jeeves into conference on one of these little problems, -he's all sympathy and bright ideas; but not today.</p> - -<p>'I fear, sir,' he said, when I had finished, 'it is hardly my place to -intervene in a private matter affecting—'</p> - -<p>'Oh come!'</p> - -<p>'No, sir. It would be taking a liberty.'</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, tackling the blighter squarely, 'what have you got -against old Biffy?'</p> - -<p>'I, sir?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, you.'</p> - -<p>'I assure you, sir!'</p> - -<p>'Oh, well, if you don't want to chip in and save a fellow-creature, I -suppose I can't make you. But let me tell you this. I am now going back -to the sitting-room, and I am going to put in some very tense thinking. -You'll look pretty silly when I come and tell you that I've got Mr -Biffen out of the soup without your assistance. Extremely silly you'll -look.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir. Shall I bring you a whisky-and-soda, sir?'</p> - -<p>'No. Coffee! Strong and black. And if anybody wants to see me, tell 'em -that I'm busy and can't be disturbed.'</p> - -<p>An hour later I rang the bell.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said with hauteur.</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir?'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Kindly ring Mr Biffen up on the phone and say that Mr Wooster presents -his compliments and that he has got it.'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I was feeling more than a little pleased with myself next morning -as I strolled round to Biffy's. As a rule the bright ideas you get -overnight have a trick of not seeming quite so frightfully fruity when -you examine them by the light of day; but this one looked as good at -breakfast as it had done before dinner. I examined it narrowly from -every angle, and I didn't see how it could fail.</p> - -<p>A few days before, my Aunt Emily's son Harold had celebrated his sixth -birthday; and, being up against the necessity of weighing in with a -present of some kind, I had happened to see in a shop in the Strand a -rather sprightly little gadget, well calculated in my opinion to amuse -the child and endear him to one and all. It was a bunch of flowers in -a sort of holder ending in an ingenious bulb attachment which, when -pressed, shot about a pint and a half of pure spring water into the -face of anyone who was ass enough to sniff at it. It seemed to me just -the thing to please the growing mind of a kid of six, and I had rolled -round with it.</p> - -<p>But when I got to the house I found Harold sitting in the midst of a -mass of gifts so luxurious and costly that I simply hadn't the crust to -contribute a thing that had set me back a mere elevenpence-ha'penny; -so with rare presence of mind—for we Woosters can think quick on -occasion—I wrenched my Uncle James's card off a toy aeroplane, -substituted my own, and trousered the squirt, which I took away with -me. It had been lying around in my flat ever since, and it seemed to me -that the time had come to send it into action.</p> - -<p>'Well?' said Biffy anxiously, as I curveted into his sitting-room.</p> - -<p>The poor old bird was looking pretty green about the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span> gills. I -recognized the symptoms. I had felt much the same myself when waiting -for Sir Roderick to turn up and lunch with me. How the deuce people -who have anything wrong with their nerves can bring themselves to chat -with that man, I can't imagine; and yet he has the largest practice in -London. Scarcely a day passes without his having to sit on somebody's -head and ring for the attendant to bring the strait-waistcoat; and his -outlook on life has become so jaundiced through constant association -with coves who are picking straws out of their hair that I was -convinced that Biffy had merely got to press the bulb and nature would -do the rest.</p> - -<p>So I patted him on the shoulder and said: 'It's all right, old man!'</p> - -<p>'What does Jeeves suggest?' asked Biffy eagerly.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves doesn't suggest anything.'</p> - -<p>'But you said it was all right.'</p> - -<p>'Jeeves isn't the only thinker in the Wooster home, my lad. I have -taken over your little problem, and I can tell you at once that I have -the situation well in hand.'</p> - -<p>'You?' said Biffy.</p> - -<p>His tone was far from flattering. It suggested a lack of faith in my -abilities, and my view was that an ounce of demonstration would be -worth a ton of explanation. I shoved the bouquet at him.</p> - -<p>'Are you fond of flowers, Biffy?' I said.</p> - -<p>'Eh?'</p> - -<p>'Smell these.'</p> - -<p>Biffy extended the old beak in a careworn sort of way, and I pressed -the bulb as per printed instructions on the label.</p> - -<p>I do like getting my money's-worth. Elevenpence-ha'penny the thing had -cost me, and it would have been cheap at double. The advertisement on -the outside of the box had said that its effects were 'indescribably -ludicrous', and I can testify that it was no<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span> overstatement. Poor old -Biffy leaped three feet in the air and smashed a small table.</p> - -<p>'There!' I said.</p> - -<p>The old egg was a trifle incoherent at first, but he found words fairly -soon and began to express himself with a good deal of warmth.</p> - -<p>'Calm yourself, laddie,' I said, as he paused for breath. 'It was no -mere jest to pass an idle hour. It was a demonstration. Take this, -Biffy, with an old friend's blessing, refill the bulb, shove it into -Sir Roderick's face, press firmly, and leave the rest to him. I'll -guarantee that in something under three seconds the idea will have -dawned on him that you are not required in his family.'</p> - -<p>Biffy stared at me.</p> - -<p>'Are you suggesting that I squirt Sir Roderick?'</p> - -<p>'Absolutely. Squirt him good. Squirt as you have never squirted before.'</p> - -<p>'But—'</p> - -<p>He was still yammering at me in a feverish sort of way when there was a -ring at the front-door bell.</p> - -<p>'Good Lord!' cried Biffy, quivering like a jelly. 'There he is. Talk to -him while I go and change my shirt.'</p> - -<p>I had just time to refill the bulb and shove it beside Biffy's plate, -when the door opened and Sir Roderick came in. I was picking up the -fallen table at the moment, and he started talking brightly to my back.</p> - -<p>'Good afternoon. I trust I am not—Mr Wooster!'</p> - -<p>I'm bound to say I was not feeling entirely at my ease. There is -something about the man that is calculated to strike terror into the -stoutest heart. If ever there was a bloke at the very mention of whose -name it would be excusable for people to tremble like aspens, that -bloke is Sir Roderick Glossop. He has an enormous bald head, all the -hair which ought to be on it seeming to have run into his eyebrows, and -his eyes go through you like a couple of Death Rays.</p> - -<p>'How are you, how are you, how are you?' I said,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span> overcoming a slight -desire to leap backwards out of the window. 'Long time since we met, -what?'</p> - -<p>'Nevertheless, I remember you most distinctly, Mr Wooster.'</p> - -<p>'That's fine,' I said. 'Old Biffy asked me to come and join you in -mangling a bit of lunch.'</p> - -<p>He waggled the eyebrows at me.</p> - -<p>'Are you a friend of Charles Biffen?'</p> - -<p>'Oh, rather. Been friends for years and years.'</p> - -<p>He drew in his breath sharply, and I could see that Biffy's stock had -dropped several points. His eye fell on the floor, which was strewn -with things that had tumbled off the upset table.</p> - -<p>'Have you had an accident?' he said.</p> - -<p>'Nothing serious,' I explained. 'Old Biffy had some sort of fit or -seizure just now and knocked over the table.'</p> - -<p>'A fit!'</p> - -<p>'Or seizure.'</p> - -<p>'Is he subject to fits?'</p> - -<p>I was about to answer, when Biffy hurried in. He had forgotten to brush -his hair, which gave him a wild look, and saw the old boy direct a keen -glance at him. It seemed to me that what you might call the preliminary -spade-work had been most satisfactorily attended to and that the -success of the good old bulb could be in no doubt whatever.</p> - -<p>Biffy's man came in with the nose-bags and we sat down to lunch.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>It looked at first as though the meal was going to be one of those -complete frosts which occur from time to time in the career of a -constant luncher-out. Biffy, a very C-3 host, contributed nothing to -the feast of reason and flow of soul beyond an occasional hiccup, -and every time I started to pull a nifty, Sir Roderick swung round -on me with such a piercing stare that it stopped me in my tracks. -Fortunately, however, the second course<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span> consisted of a chicken -fricassee of such outstanding excellence that the old boy, after -wolfing a plateful, handed up his dinner-pail for a second instalment -and became almost genial.</p> - -<p>'I am here this afternoon, Charles,' he said, with what practically -amounted to bonhomie, 'on what I might describe as a mission. Yes, a -mission. This is most excellent chicken.'</p> - -<p>'Glad you like it,' mumbled old Biffy.</p> - -<p>'Singularly toothsome,' said Sir Roderick, pronging another half ounce. -'Yes, as I was saying, a mission. You young fellows nowadays are, I -know, content to live in the centre of the most wonderful metropolis -the world has seen, blind and indifferent to its many marvels. I -should be prepared—were I a betting man, which I am not—to wager -a considerable sum that you have never in your life visited even so -historic a spot as Westminster Abbey. Am I right?'</p> - -<p>Biffy gurgled something about always having meant to.</p> - -<p>'Nor the Tower of London?'</p> - -<p>No, nor the Tower of London.</p> - -<p>'And there exists at this very moment, not twenty minutes by cab -from Hyde Park Corner, the most supremely absorbing and educational -collection of objects, both animate and inanimate, gathered from the -four corners of the Empire, that has ever been assembled in England's -history. I allude to the British Empire Exhibition now situated at -Wembley.'</p> - -<p>'A fellow told me one about Wembley yesterday,' I said, to help on -the cheery flow of conversation. 'Stop me if you've heard it before. -Chap goes up to deaf chap outside the exhibition and says, "Is this -Wembley?" "Hey?" says deaf chap. "Is this Wembley?" says chap. "Hey?" -says deaf chap. "Is this Wembley?" says chap. "No, Thursday," says deaf -chap. Ha, ha, I mean, what?'</p> - -<p>The merry laughter froze on my lips. Sir Roderick<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span> sort of just waggled -an eyebrow in my direction and I saw that it was back to the basket for -Bertram. I never met a man who had such a knack of making a fellow feel -like a waste-product.</p> - -<p>'Have you yet paid a visit to Wembley, Charles?' he asked. 'No? -Precisely as I suspected. Well, that is the mission on which I am here -this afternoon. Honoria wishes me to take you to Wembley. She says it -will broaden your mind, in which view I am at one with her. We will -start immediately after luncheon.'</p> - -<p>Biffy cast an imploring look at me.</p> - -<p>'You'll come too, Bertie?'</p> - -<p>There was such agony in his eyes that I only hesitated for a second. -A pal is a pal. Besides, I felt that, if only the bulb fulfilled the -high expectations I had formed of it, the merry expedition would be -cancelled in no uncertain manner.</p> - -<p>'Oh, rather,' I said.</p> - -<p>'We must not trespass on Mr Wooster's good nature,' said Sir Roderick, -looking pretty puff-faced.</p> - -<p>'Oh, that's all right,' I said. 'I've been meaning to go to the good -old exhibish for a long time. I'll slip home and change my clothes and -pick you up here in my car.'</p> - -<p>There was a silence. Biffy seemed too relieved at the thought of not -having to spend the afternoon alone with Sir Roderick to be capable of -speech, and Sir Roderick was registering silent disapproval. And then -he caught sight of the bouquet by Biffy's plate.</p> - -<p>'Ah, flowers,' he said. 'Sweet peas, if I am not in error. A charming -plant, pleasing alike to the eye and the nose.'</p> - -<p>I caught Biffy's eye across the table. It was bulging, and a strange -light shone in it.</p> - -<p>'Are you fond of flowers, Sir Roderick?' he croaked.</p> - -<p>'Extremely.'</p> - -<p>'Smell these.'</p> - -<p>Sir Roderick dipped his head and sniffed. Biffy's<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span> fingers closed -slowly over the bulb. I shut my eyes and clutched the table.</p> - -<p>'Very pleasant,' I heard Sir Roderick say. 'Very pleasant indeed.'</p> - -<p>I opened my eyes, and there was Biffy leaning back in his chair with -a ghastly look, and the bouquet on the cloth beside him. I realized -what had happened. In that supreme crisis of his life, with his whole -happiness depending on a mere pressure of the fingers, Biffy, the poor -spineless fish, had lost his nerve. My closely reasoned scheme had gone -phut.</p> - -<p>Jeeves was fooling about with the geraniums in the sitting-room -window-box when I got home.</p> - -<p>'They make a very nice display, sir,' he said, cocking a paternal eye -at the things.</p> - -<p>'Don't talk to me about flowers,' I said. 'Jeeves, I know now how a -general feels when he plans out some great scientific movement and his -troops let him down at the eleventh hour.'</p> - -<p>'Indeed, sir?'</p> - -<p>'Yes,' I said, and told him what had happened.</p> - -<p>He listened thoughtfully.</p> - -<p>'A somewhat vacillating and changeable young gentleman, Mr Biffen,' was -his comment when I had finished. 'Would you be requiring me for the -remainder of the afternoon, sir?'</p> - -<p>'No. I'm going to Wembley. I just came back to change and get the car. -Produce some fairly durable garments which can stand getting squashed -by the many-headed, Jeeves, and then phone to the garage.'</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir. The grey cheviot lounge will, I fancy, be suitable. -Would it be too much if I asked you to give me a seat in the car, sir? -I had thought of going to Wembley myself this afternoon.'</p> - -<p>'Eh? Oh, all right.'</p> - -<p>'Thank you very much, sir.'</p> - -<p>I got dressed, and we drove round to Biffy's flat. Biffy<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span> and Sir -Roderick got in at the back and Jeeves climbed into the front seat next -to me. Biffy looked so ill-attuned to an afternoon's pleasure that my -heart bled for the blighter and I made one last attempt to appeal to -Jeeves's better feelings.</p> - -<p>'I must say, Jeeves,' I said, 'I'm dashed disappointed in you.'</p> - -<p>'I am sorry to hear that, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Well, I am. Dashed disappointed. I do think you might rally round. Did -you see Mr Biffen's face?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Well, then.'</p> - -<p>'If you will pardon my saying so, sir, Mr Biffen has surely only -himself to thank if he has entered upon matrimonial obligations which -do not please him.'</p> - -<p>'You're talking absolute rot, Jeeves. You know as well as I do that -Honoria Glossop is an Act of God. You might just as well blame a fellow -for getting run over by a truck.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Absolutely yes. Besides, the poor ass wasn't in a condition to resist. -He told me all about it. He had lost the only girl he had ever loved, -and you know what a man's like when that happens to him.'</p> - -<p>'How was that, sir?'</p> - -<p>'Apparently he fell in love with some girl on the boat going over to -New York, and they parted at the Customs sheds, arranging to meet next -day at her hotel. Well, you know what Biffy's like. He forgets his own -name half the time. He never made a note of the address, and it passed -clean out of his mind. He went about in a sort of trance, and suddenly -woke up to find that he was engaged to Honoria Glossop.'</p> - -<p>'I did not know of this, sir.'</p> - -<p>'I don't suppose anybody knows of it except me. He told me when I was -in Paris.'</p> - -<p>'I should have supposed it would have been feasible to make inquiries, -sir.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span></p> - -<p>'That's what I said. But he had forgotten her name.'</p> - -<p>'That sounds remarkable, sir.'</p> - -<p>'I said that too. But it's a fact. All he remembered was that her -Christian name was Mabel. Well, you can't go scouring New York for a -girl named Mabel, what?'</p> - -<p>'I appreciate the difficulty, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Well, there it is, then.'</p> - -<p>'I see, sir.'</p> - -<p>We had got into a mob of vehicles outside the Exhibition by this -time, and, some tricky driving being indicated, I had to suspend the -conversation. We parked ourselves eventually and went in. Jeeves -drifted away, and Sir Roderick took charge of the expedition. He headed -for the Palace of Industry, with Biffy and myself trailing behind.</p> - -<p>Well, you know, I have never been much of a lad for exhibitions. The -citizenry in the mass always rather puts me off, and after I have been -shuffling along with the multitude for a quarter of an hour or so I -feel as if I were walking on hot bricks. About this particular binge, -too, there seemed to me a lack of what you might call human interest. I -mean to say, millions of people, no doubt, are so constituted that they -scream with joy and excitement at the spectacle of a stuffed porcupine -fish or a glass jar of seeds from Western Australia—but not Bertram. -No; if you will take the word of one who would not deceive you, not -Bertram. By the time we had tottered out of the Gold Coast village and -were working towards the Palace of Machinery, everything pointed to my -shortly executing a quiet sneak in the direction of that rather jolly -Planters' Bar in the West Indian section. Sir Roderick had whizzed us -past this at a high rate of speed, it touching no chord in him; but I -had been able to observe that there was a sprightly sportsman behind -the counter mixing things out of bottles and stirring them up with a -stick in long glasses that seemed to have<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span> ice in them, and the urge -came upon me to see more of this man. I was about to drop away from -the main body and become a straggler, when something pawed at my coat -sleeve. It was Biffy, and he had the air of one who has had about -sufficient.</p> - -<p>There are certain moments in life when words are not needed. I looked -at Biffy, Biffy looked at me. A perfect understanding linked our two -souls.</p> - -<p>'?'</p> - -<p>'!'</p> - -<p>Three minutes later we had joined the Planters.</p> - -<p>I have never been in the West Indies, but I am in a position to state -that in certain of the fundamentals of life they are streets ahead -of our European civilization. The man behind the counter, as kindly -a bloke as I ever wish to meet, seemed to guess our requirements the -moment we hove in view. Scarcely had our elbows touched the wood before -he was leaping to and fro, bringing down a new bottle with each leap. -A planter, apparently, does not consider he has had a drink unless it -contains at least seven ingredients, and I'm not saying, mind you, that -he isn't right. The man behind the bar told us the things were called -Green Swizzles; and, if ever I marry and have a son, Green Swizzle -Wooster is the name that will go down on the register, in memory of the -day his father's life was saved at Wembley.</p> - -<p>After the third, Biffy breathed a contented sigh.</p> - -<p>'Where do you think Sir Roderick is?' he said.</p> - -<p>'Biffy, old thing,' I replied frankly, 'I'm not worrying.'</p> - -<p>'Bertie, old bird,' said Biffy, 'nor am I.'</p> - -<p>He sighed again, and broke a long silence by asking the man for a straw.</p> - -<p>'Bertie,' he said, 'I've just remembered something rather rummy. You -know Jeeves?'</p> - -<p>I said I knew Jeeves.</p> - -<p>'Well, a rather rummy incident occurred as we were going into this -place. Old Jeeves sidled up to me and said<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span> something rather rummy. -You'll never guess what it was.'</p> - -<p>'No. I don't believe I ever shall.'</p> - -<p>'Jeeves said,' proceeded Biffy earnestly, 'and I am quoting his very -words—Jeeves said, "Mr Biffen"—addressing me, you understand—'</p> - -<p>'I understand.'</p> - -<p>'"Mr Biffen," he said, "I strongly advise you to visit the—"'</p> - -<p>'The what?' I asked as he paused.</p> - -<p>'Bertie, old man,' said Biffy, deeply concerned, 'I've absolutely -forgotten!'</p> - -<p>I stared at the man.</p> - -<p>'What I can't understand,' I said, 'is how you manage to run that -Herefordshire place of yours for a day. How on earth do you remember to -milk the cows and give the pigs their dinner?'</p> - -<p>'Oh, that's all right. There are divers blokes about the -places—hirelings and menials, you know—who look after all that.'</p> - -<p>'Ah!' I said. 'Well, that being so, let us have one more Green Swizzle, -and then hey for the Amusement Park.'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>When I indulged in those few rather bitter words about exhibitions, it -must be distinctly understood that I was not alluding to what you might -call the more earthy portion of these curious places. I yield to no man -in my approval of those institutions where on payment of a shilling you -are permitted to slide down a slippery runway sitting on a mat. I love -the Jiggle-Joggle, and I am prepared to take on all and sundry at Skee -Ball for money, stamps, or Brazil nuts.</p> - -<p>But, joyous reveller as I am on these occasions, I was simply not in -it with old Biffy. Whether it was the Green Swizzles or merely the -relief of being parted from Sir Roderick, I don't know, but Biffy flung -himself into the pastimes of the proletariat with a zest that was -almost<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span> frightening. I could hardly drag him away from the Whip, and as -for the Switchback, he looked like spending the rest of his life on it. -I managed to remove him at last, and he was wandering through the crowd -at my side with gleaming eyes, hesitating between having his fortune -told and taking a whirl at the Wheel of Joy, when he suddenly grabbed -my arm and uttered a sharp animal cry.</p> - -<p>'Bertie!'</p> - -<p>'Now what?'</p> - -<p>He was pointing at a large sign over a building.</p> - -<p>'Look! Palace of Beauty!'</p> - -<p>I tried to choke him off. I was getting a bit weary by this time. Not -so young as I was.</p> - -<p>'You don't want to go in there,' I said. 'A fellow at the club was -telling me about that. It's only a lot of girls. You don't want to see -a lot of girls.'</p> - -<p>'I do want to see a lot of girls,' said Biffy firmly. 'Dozens of -girls, and the more unlike Honoria they are, the better. Besides, -I've suddenly remembered that that's the place Jeeves told me to be -sure and visit. It all comes back to me. "Mr Biffen," he said, "I -strongly advise you to visit the Palace of Beauty." Now, what the man -was driving at or what his motive was, I don't know; but I ask you, -Bertie, is it wise, is it safe, is it judicious ever to ignore Jeeves's -lightest word? We enter by the door on the left.'</p> - -<p>I don't know if you know this Palace of Beauty place? It's a sort of -aquarium full of the delicately nurtured instead of fishes. You go in, -and there is a kind of cage with a female goggling out at you through a -sheet of plate glass. She's dressed in some weird kind of costume, and -over the cage is written 'Helen of Troy'. You pass on to the next, and -there's another one doing jiu-jitsu with a snake. Sub-title, Cleopatra. -You get the idea—Famous Women Through the Ages and all that. I can't -say it fascinated me to any great extent. I maintain that lovely<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span> -woman loses a lot of her charm if you have to stare at her in a tank. -Moreover, it gave me a rummy sort of feeling of having wandered into -the wrong bedroom at a country house, and I was flying past at a fair -rate of speed, anxious to get it over, when Biffy suddenly went off his -rocker.</p> - -<p>At least, it looked like that. He let out a piercing yell, grabbed my -arm with a sudden clutch that felt like the bite of a crocodile, and -stood there gibbering.</p> - -<p>'Wuk!' ejaculated Biffy, or words to that general import.</p> - -<p>A large and interested crowd had gathered round. I think they thought -the girls were going to be fed or something. But Biffy paid no -attention to them. He was pointing in a loony manner at one of the -cages. I forget which it was, but the female inside wore a ruff, so it -may have been Queen Elizabeth or Boadicea or someone of that period. -She was rather a nice-looking girl, and she was staring at Biffy in -much the same pop-eyed way as he was staring at her.</p> - -<p>'Mabel!' yelled Biffy, going off in my ear like a bomb.</p> - -<p>I can't say I was feeling my chirpiest. Drama is all very well, but I -hate getting mixed up in it in a public spot; and I had not realized -before how dashed public this spot was. The crowd seemed to have -doubled itself in the last five seconds, and, while most of them had -their eye on Biffy, quite a goodish few were looking at me as if they -thought I was an important principal in the scene and might be expected -at any moment to give of my best in the way of wholesome entertainment -for the masses.</p> - -<p>Biffy was jumping about like a lamb in the springtime—and, what is -more, a feeble-minded lamb.</p> - -<p>'Bertie! It's her! It's she!' He looked about him wildly. 'Where the -deuce is the stage-door?' he cried. 'Where's the manager? I want to see -the house-manager immediately.'</p> - -<p>And then he suddenly bounded forward and began hammering on the glass -with his stick.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span></p> - -<p>'I say, old lad!' I began, but he shook me off.</p> - -<p>These fellows who live in the country are apt to go in for fairly -sizable clubs instead of the light canes which your well-dressed -man about town considers suitable for metropolitan use; and down in -Herefordshire, apparently, something in the nature of a knobkerrie is -<i>de rigueur</i>. Biffy's first slosh smashed the glass all to a hash. -Three more cleared the way for him to go into the cage without cutting -himself. And, before the crowd had time to realize what a wonderful -bob's-worth it was getting in exchange for its entrance fee, he was -inside, engaging the girl in earnest conversation. And at the same -moment two large policemen rolled up.</p> - -<p>You can't make policemen take the romantic view. Not a tear did these -two blighters stop to brush away. They were inside the cage and out -of it and marching Biffy through the crowd before you had time to -blink. I hurried after them, to do what I could in the way of soothing -Biffy's last moments, and the poor old lad turned a glowing face in my -direction.</p> - -<p>'Chiswick, 60873,' he bellowed in a voice charged with emotion. 'Write -it down, Bertie, or I shall forget it. Chiswick, 60873. Her telephone -number.'</p> - -<p>And then he disappeared, accompanied by about eleven thousand -sightseers, and a voice spoke at my elbow.</p> - -<p>'Mr Wooster! What—what—what is the meaning of this?'</p> - -<p>Sir Roderick, with bigger eyebrows than ever, was standing at my side.</p> - -<p>'It's all right,' I said. 'Poor old Biffy's only gone off his crumpet.'</p> - -<p>He tottered.</p> - -<p>'What?'</p> - -<p>'Had a sort of fit or seizure, you know.'</p> - -<p>'Another!' Sir Roderick drew a deep breath. 'And this is the man I was -about to allow my daughter to marry!' I heard him mutter.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span></p> - -<p>I tapped him in a kindly spirit on the shoulder. It took some doing, -mark you, but I did it.</p> - -<p>'If I were you,' I said, 'I should call that off. Scratch the fixture. -Wash it out absolutely, is my advice.'</p> - -<p>He gave me a nasty look.</p> - -<p>'I do not require your advice, Mr Wooster! I had already arrived -independently at the decision of which you speak. Mr Wooster, you are a -friend of this man—a fact which should in itself have been sufficient -warning to me. You will—unlike myself—be seeing him again. Kindly -inform him, when you do see him, that he may consider his engagement at -an end.'</p> - -<p>'Right-ho,' I said, and hurried off after the crowd. It seemed to me -that a little bailing-out might be in order.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>It was about an hour later that I shoved my way out to where I had -parked the car. Jeeves was sitting in the front seat, brooding over the -cosmos. He rose courteously as I approached.</p> - -<p>'You are leaving, sir?'</p> - -<p>'I am.'</p> - -<p>'And Sir Roderick, sir?'</p> - -<p>'Not coming. I am revealing no secrets, Jeeves, when I inform you that -he and I have parted brass rags. Not on speaking terms now.'</p> - -<p>'Indeed, sir? And Mr Biffen? Will you wait for him?'</p> - -<p>'No. He's in prison.'</p> - -<p>'Really, sir?'</p> - -<p>'Yes. I tried to bail him out, but they decided on second thoughts to -coop him up for the night.'</p> - -<p>'What was his offence, sir?'</p> - -<p>'You remember that girl of his I was telling you about? He found her -in a tank at the Palace of Beauty and went after her by the quickest -route, which was via a plate-glass window. He was then scooped up and -borne off in irons by the constabulary.' I gazed sideways at him. It -is difficult to bring off a penetrating glance out of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span> the corner of -your eye, but I managed it. 'Jeeves,' I said, 'there is more in this -than the casual observer would suppose. You told Mr Biffen to go to the -Palace of Beauty. Did you know the girl would be there?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>This was most remarkable and rummy to a degree.</p> - -<p>'Dash it, do you know everything?'</p> - -<p>'Oh, no, sir,' said Jeeves with an indulgent smile. Humouring the young -master.</p> - -<p>'Well, how did you know that?'</p> - -<p>'I happen to be acquainted with the future Mrs Biffen, sir.'</p> - -<p>'I see. Then you knew all about that business in New York?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir. And it was for that reason that I was not altogether -favourably disposed towards Mr Biffen when you were first kind enough -to suggest that I might be able to offer some slight assistance. -I mistakenly supposed that he had been trifling with the girl's -affections, sir. But when you told me the true facts of the case I -appreciated the injustice I had done to Mr Biffen and endeavoured to -make amends.'</p> - -<p>'Well, he certainly owes you a lot. He's crazy about her.'</p> - -<p>'That is very gratifying, sir.'</p> - -<p>'And she ought to be pretty grateful to you, too. Old Biffy's got -fifteen thousand a year, not to mention more cows, pigs, hens, and -ducks than he knows what to do with. A dashed useful bird to have in -any family.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Tell me, Jeeves,' I said, 'how did you happen to know the girl in the -first place?'</p> - -<p>Jeeves looked dreamily out into the traffic.</p> - -<p>'She is my niece, sir. If I might make the suggestion, sir, I should -not jerk the steering wheel with quite such suddenness. We very nearly -collided with that omnibus.'</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h3><a name="c7_Without_the_Option" id="c7_Without_the_Option">7—Without the Option</a></h3> - - -<p>The evidence was all in. The machinery of the law had worked without a -hitch. And the beak, having adjusted a pair of pince-nez which looked -as though they were going to do a nose dive any moment, coughed like -a pained sheep and slipped us the bad news. 'The prisoner, Wooster,' -he said—and who can paint the shame and agony of Bertram at hearing -himself so described?—'will pay a fine of five pounds.'</p> - -<p>'Oh, rather!' I said. 'Absolutely! Like a shot!'</p> - -<p>I was dashed glad to get the thing settled at such a reasonable figure. -I gazed across what they call the sea of faces till I picked up Jeeves, -sitting at the back. Stout fellow, he had come to see the young master -through his hour of trial.</p> - -<p>'I say, Jeeves,' I sang out, 'have you got a fiver? I'm a bit short.'</p> - -<p>'Silence!' bellowed some officious blighter.</p> - -<p>'It's all right,' I said; 'just arranging the financial details. Got -the stuff, Jeeves?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Good egg!'</p> - -<p>'Are you a friend of the prisoner?' asked the beak.</p> - -<p>'I am in Mr Wooster's employment, Your Worship, in the capacity of -gentleman's personal gentleman.'</p> - -<p>'Then pay the fine to the clerk.'</p> - -<p>'Very good, Your Worship.'</p> - -<p>The beak gave a coldish nod in my direction, as much as to say that -they might now strike the fetters from my wrists; and having hitched up -the pince-nez once more, proceeded to hand poor old Sippy one of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span> -nastiest looks ever seen in Bosher Street Police Court.</p> - -<p>'The case of the prisoner Leon Trotzky—which,' he said, giving -Sippy the eye again, 'I am strongly inclined to think an assumed and -fictitious name—is more serious. He has been convicted of a wanton and -violent assault upon the police. The evidence of the officer has proved -that the prisoner struck him in the abdomen, causing severe internal -pain, and in other ways interfered with him in the execution of his -duties. I am aware that on the night following the annual aquatic -contest between the Universities of Oxford and Cambridge a certain -licence is traditionally granted by the authorities, but aggravated -acts of ruffianly hooliganism like that of the prisoner Trotzky cannot -be overlooked or palliated. He will serve a sentence of thirty days in -the Second Division without the option of a fine.'</p> - -<p>'No, I say—here—hi—dash it all!' protested poor old Sippy.</p> - -<p>'Silence!' bellowed the officious blighter.</p> - -<p>'Next case,' said the beak. And that was that.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The whole affair was most unfortunate. Memory is a trifle blurred; but -as far as I can piece together the facts, what happened was more or -less this:</p> - -<p>Abstemious cove though I am as a general thing, there is one night in -the year when, putting all other engagements aside, I am rather apt to -let myself go a bit and renew my lost youth, as it were. The night to -which I allude is the one following the annual aquatic contest between -the Universities of Oxford and Cambridge; or, putting it another -way, Boat-Race Night. Then, if ever, you will see Bertram under the -influence. And on this occasion, I freely admit, I had been doing -myself rather juicily, with the result that when I ran into old Sippy -opposite the Empire I was in quite fairly bonhomous mood. This being -so, it cut me to the quick to perceive<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span> that Sippy, generally the -brightest of revellers, was far from being his usual sunny self. He had -the air of a man with a secret sorrow.</p> - -<p>'Bertie,' he said as we strolled along towards Piccadilly Circus, 'the -heart bowed down by weight of woe to weakest hope will cling.' Sippy is -by way of being an author, though mainly dependent for the necessaries -of life on subsidies from an old aunt who lives in the country, and -his conversation often takes a literary turn. 'But the trouble is that -I have no hope to cling to, weak or otherwise. I am up against it, -Bertie.'</p> - -<p>'In what way, laddie?'</p> - -<p>'I've got to go tomorrow and spend three weeks with some absolutely -dud—I will go further—some positively scaly friends of my Aunt Vera. -She has fixed the thing up, and may a nephew's curse blister every bulb -in her garden.'</p> - -<p>'Who are these hounds of hell?' I asked.</p> - -<p>'Some people named Pringle. I haven't seen them since I was ten, but I -remember them at that time striking me as England's premier warts.'</p> - -<p>'Tough luck. No wonder you've lost your morale.'</p> - -<p>'The world,' said Sippy, 'is very grey. How can I shake off this awful -depression?'</p> - -<p>It was then that I got one of those bright ideas one does get round -about 11.30 on Boat-Race Night.</p> - -<p>'What you want, old man,' I said, 'is a policeman's helmet.'</p> - -<p>'Do I, Bertie?'</p> - -<p>'If I were you, I'd just step straight across the street and get that -one over there.'</p> - -<p>'But there's a policeman inside it. You can see him distinctly.'</p> - -<p>'What does that matter?' I said. I simply couldn't follow his reasoning.</p> - -<p>Sippy stood for a moment in thought.</p> - -<p>'I believe you're absolutely right,' he said at last.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span> 'Funny I never -thought of it before. You really recommend me to get that helmet?'</p> - -<p>'I do, indeed.'</p> - -<p>'Then I will,' said Sippy, brightening up in the most remarkable manner.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>So there you have the posish, and you can see why, as I left the dock a -free man, remorse gnawed at my vitals. In his twenty-fifth year, with -life opening out before him and all that sort of thing, Oliver Randolph -Sipperley had become a jail-bird, and it was all my fault. It was I who -had dragged that fine spirit down into the mire, so to speak, and the -question now arose, What could I do to atone?</p> - -<p>Obviously the first move must be to get in touch with Sippy and see if -he had any last messages and what-not. I pushed about a bit, making -inquiries, and presently found myself in a little dark room with -whitewashed walls and a wooden bench. Sippy was sitting on the bench -with his head in his hands.</p> - -<p>'How are you, old lad?' I asked in a hushed, bedside voice.</p> - -<p>'I'm a ruined man,' said Sippy, looking like a poached egg.</p> - -<p>'Oh, come,' I said, 'it's not so bad as all that. I mean to say, -you had the swift intelligence to give a false name. There won't be -anything about you in the papers.'</p> - -<p>'I'm not worrying about the papers. What's bothering me is, how can I -go and spend three weeks with the Pringles, starting today, when I've -got to sit in a prison cell with a ball and chain on my ankle?'</p> - -<p>'But you said you didn't want to go.'</p> - -<p>'It isn't a question of wanting, fathead. I've got to go. If I don't -my aunt will find out where I am. And if she finds out that I am doing -thirty days, without the option, in the lowest dungeon beneath the -castle moat—well, where shall I get off?'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span></p> - -<p>I saw his point.</p> - -<p>'This is not a thing we can settle for ourselves,' I said gravely. -'We must put our trust in a higher power. Jeeves is the man we must -consult.'</p> - -<p>And having collected a few of the necessary data, I shook his hand, -patted him on the back and tooled off home to Jeeves.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, when I had climbed outside the pick-me-up which he -had thoughtfully prepared against my coming, 'I've got something to -tell you; something important; something that vitally affects one -whom you have always regarded with—one whom you have always looked -upon—one whom you have—well, to cut a long story short, as I'm not -feeling quite myself—Mr Sipperley.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir?'</p> - -<p>'Jeeves, Mr Souperley is in the sip.'</p> - -<p>'Sir?'</p> - -<p>'I mean, Mr Sipperley is in the soup.'</p> - -<p>'Indeed, sir?'</p> - -<p>'And all owing to me. It was I who, in a moment of mistaken kindness, -wishing only to cheer him up and give him something to occupy his mind, -recommended him to pinch that policeman's helmet.'</p> - -<p>'Is that so, sir?'</p> - -<p>'Do you mind not intoning the responses, Jeeves?' I said. 'This is a -most complicated story for a man with a headache to have to tell, and -if you interrupt you'll make me lose the thread. As a favour to me, -therefore, don't do it. Just nod every now and then to show that you're -following me.'</p> - -<p>I closed my eyes and marshalled the facts.</p> - -<p>'To start with then, Jeeves, you may or may not know that Mr Sipperley -is practically dependent on his Aunt Vera.'</p> - -<p>'Would that be Miss Sipperley of the Paddock, Beckley-on-the-Moor, in -Yorkshire, sir?'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Yes. Don't tell me you know her!'</p> - -<p>'Not personally, sir. But I have a cousin residing in the village who -has some slight acquaintance with Miss Sipperley. He has described her -to me as an imperious and quick-tempered old lady.... But I beg your -pardon, sir, I should have nodded.'</p> - -<p>'Quite right, you should have nodded. Yes, Jeeves, you should have -nodded. But it's too late now.'</p> - -<p>I nodded myself. I hadn't had my eight hours the night before, and what -you might call a lethargy was showing a tendency to steal over me from -time to time.</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir?' said Jeeves.</p> - -<p>'Oh—ah—yes,' I said, giving myself a bit of a hitch up. 'Where had I -got to?'</p> - -<p>'You were saying that Mr Sipperley is practically dependent upon Miss -Sipperley, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Was I?'</p> - -<p>'You were, sir.'</p> - -<p>'You're perfectly right; so I was. Well, then, you can readily -understand, Jeeves, that he has got to take jolly good care to keep in -with her. You get that?'</p> - -<p>Jeeves nodded.</p> - -<p>'Now mark this closely: The other day she wrote to old Sippy, telling -him to come down and sing at her village concert. It was equivalent to -a royal command, if you see what I mean, so Sippy couldn't refuse in so -many words. But he had sung at her village concert once before and had -got the bird in no uncertain manner, so he wasn't playing any return -dates. You follow so far, Jeeves?'</p> - -<p>Jeeves nodded.</p> - -<p>'So what did he do, Jeeves? He did what seemed to him at the moment -a rather brainy thing. He told her that, though he would have been -delighted to sing at her village concert, by a most unfortunate chance -an editor had commissioned him to write a series of articles on the -colleges of Cambridge and he was obliged to pop<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span> down there at once and -would be away for quite three weeks. All clear up to now?'</p> - -<p>Jeeves inclined the coco-nut.</p> - -<p>'Whereupon, Jeeves, Miss Sipperley wrote back, saying that she quite -realized that work must come before pleasure—pleasure being her loose -way of describing the act of singing songs at the Beckley-on-the-Moor -concert and getting the laugh from the local toughs; but that, if he -was going to Cambridge, he must certainly stay with her friends, the -Pringles, at their house just outside the town. And she dropped them a -line telling them to expect him on the twenty-eighth, and they dropped -another line saying right-ho, and the thing was settled. And now Mr -Sipperley is in the jug, and what will be the ultimate outcome or -upshot? Jeeves, it is a problem worthy of your great intellect. I rely -on you.'</p> - -<p>'I will do my best to justify your confidence, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Carry on, then. And meanwhile pull down the blinds and bring a couple -more cushions and heave that small chair this way so that I can put my -feet up, and then go away and brood and let me hear from you in—say, a -couple of hours, or maybe three. And if anybody calls and wants to see -me, inform them that I am dead.'</p> - -<p>'Dead, sir?'</p> - -<p>'Dead. You won't be so far wrong.'</p> - -<p>It must have been well towards evening when I woke up with a crick in -my neck but otherwise somewhat refreshed. I pressed the bell.</p> - -<p>'I looked in twice, sir,' said Jeeves, 'but on each occasion you were -asleep and I did not like to disturb you.'</p> - -<p>'The right spirit, Jeeves.... Well?'</p> - -<p>'I have been giving close thought to the little problem which you -indicated, sir, and I can see only one solution.'</p> - -<p>'One is enough. What do you suggest?'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span></p> - -<p>'That you go to Cambridge in Mr Sipperley's place, sir.'</p> - -<p>I stared at the man. Certainly I was feeling a good deal better than -I had been a few hours before; but I was far from being in a fit -condition to have rot like this talked to me.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said sternly, 'pull yourself together. This is mere babble -from the sickbed.'</p> - -<p>'I fear I can suggest no other plan of action, sir, which will -extricate Mr Sipperley from his dilemma.'</p> - -<p>'But think! Reflect! Why, even I, in spite of having had a disturbed -night and a most painful morning with the minions of the law, can see -that the scheme is a loony one. To put the finger on only one leak in -the thing, it isn't me these people want to see; it's Mr Sipperley. -They don't know me from Adam.'</p> - -<p>'So much the better, sir. For what I am suggesting is that you go to -Cambridge, affecting actually to be Mr Sipperley.'</p> - -<p>This was too much.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, and I'm not half sure there weren't tears in my eyes, -'surely you can see for yourself that this is pure banana oil. It is -not like you to come into the presence of a sick man and gibber.'</p> - -<p>'I think the plan I have suggested would be practicable, sir. While you -were sleeping, I was able to have a few words with Mr Sipperley, and he -informed me that Professor and Mrs Pringle have not set eyes upon him -since he was a lad of ten.'</p> - -<p>'No, that's true. He told me that. But even so, they would be sure to -ask him questions about my aunt—or rather his aunt. Where would I be -then?'</p> - -<p>'Mr Sipperley was kind enough to give me a few facts respecting Miss -Sipperley, sir, which I jotted down. With these, added to what my -cousin has told me of the lady's habits, I think you would be in a -position to answer any ordinary question.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p> - -<p>There is something dashed insidious about Jeeves. Time and again -since we first came together he has stunned me with some apparently -drivelling suggestion or scheme or ruse or plan of campaign, and after -about five minutes has convinced me that it is not only sound but -fruity. It took nearly a quarter of an hour to reason me into this -particular one, it being considerably the weirdest to date; but he did -it. I was holding out pretty firmly, when he suddenly clinched the -thing.</p> - -<p>'I would certainly suggest, sir,' he said, 'that you left London as -soon as possible and remained hid for some little time in some retreat -where you would not be likely to be found.'</p> - -<p>'Eh? Why?'</p> - -<p>'During the last hours Mrs Spenser has been on the telephone three -times, sir, endeavouring to get into communication with you.'</p> - -<p>'Aunt Agatha!' I cried, paling beneath my tan.</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir. I gathered from her remarks that she had been reading in -the evening paper a report of this morning's proceedings in the police -court.'</p> - -<p>I hopped from the chair like a jack rabbit of the prairie. If Aunt -Agatha was out with her hatchet, a move was most certainly indicated.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, 'this is a time for deeds, not words. Pack—and that -right speedily.'</p> - -<p>'I have packed, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Find out when there is a train for Cambridge.'</p> - -<p>'There is one in forty minutes, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Call a taxi.'</p> - -<p>'A taxi is at the door, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Good!' I said. 'Then lead me to it.'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The Maison Pringle was quite a bit of a way out of Cambridge, a mile -or two down the Trumpington Road; and when I arrived everybody was -dressing for dinner. So<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span> it wasn't till I had shoved on the evening -raiment and got down to the drawing-room that I met the gang.</p> - -<p>'Hullo-ullo!' I said, taking a deep breath and floating in.</p> - -<p>I tried to speak in a clear and ringing voice, but I wasn't feeling my -chirpiest. It is always a nervous job for a diffident and unassuming -bloke to visit a strange house for the first time; and it doesn't -make the thing any better when he goes there pretending to be another -fellow. I was conscious of a rather pronounced sinking feeling, which -the appearance of the Pringles did nothing to allay.</p> - -<p>Sippy had described them as England's premier warts, and it looked to -me as if he might be about right. Professor Pringle was a thinnish, -baldish, dyspeptic-lookingish cove with an eye like a haddock, while -Mrs Pringle's aspect was that of one who had had bad news round about -the year 1900 and never really got over it. And I was just staggering -under the impact of these two when I was introduced to a couple of -ancient females with shawls all over them.</p> - -<p>'No doubt you remember my mother?' said Professor Pringle mournfully, -indicating Exhibit A.</p> - -<p>'Oh-ah!' I said, achieving a bit of a beam.</p> - -<p>'And my aunt,' sighed the prof, as if things were getting worse and -worse.</p> - -<p>'Well, well, well!' I said, shooting another beam in the direction of -Exhibit B.</p> - -<p>'They were saying only this morning that they remembered you,' groaned -the prof, abandoning all hope.</p> - -<p>There was a pause. The whole strength of the company gazed at me like a -family group out of one of Edgar Allan Poe's less cheery yarns, and I -felt my <i>joie de vivre</i> dying at the roots.</p> - -<p>'I remember Oliver,' said Exhibit A. She heaved a sigh. 'He was such a -pretty child. What a pity! What a pity!'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span></p> - -<p>Tactful, of course, and calculated to put the guest completely at his -ease.</p> - -<p>'I remember Oliver,' said Exhibit B, looking at me in much the same way -as the Bosher Street beak had looked at Sippy before putting on the -black cap. 'Nasty little boy! He teased my cat.'</p> - -<p>'Aunt Jane's memory is wonderful, considering that she will be -eighty-seven next birthday,' whispered Mrs Pringle with mournful pride.</p> - -<p>'What did you say?' asked the Exhibit suspiciously.</p> - -<p>'I said your memory was wonderful.'</p> - -<p>'Ah!' The dear old creature gave me another glare. I could see that no -beautiful friendship was to be looked for by Bertram in this quarter. -'He chased my Tibby all over the garden, shooting arrows at her from a -bow.'</p> - -<p>At this moment a cat strolled out from under the sofa and made for me -with its tail up. Cats always do take to me, which made it all the -sadder that I should be saddled with Sippy's criminal record. I stooped -to tickle it under the ear, such being my invariable policy, and the -Exhibit uttered a piercing cry.</p> - -<p>'Stop him! Stop him!'</p> - -<p>She leaped forward, moving uncommonly well for one of her years, and -having scooped up the cat, stood eyeing me with bitter defiance, as if -daring me to start anything. Most unpleasant.</p> - -<p>'I like cats,' I said feebly.</p> - -<p>It didn't go. The sympathy of the audience was not with me. And -conversation was at what you might call a low ebb, when the door opened -and a girl came in.</p> - -<p>'My daughter Heloise,' said the prof moodily, as if he hated to admit -it.</p> - -<p>I turned to mitt the female, and stood there with my hand out, gaping. -I can't remember when I've had such a nasty shock.</p> - -<p>I suppose everybody has had the experience of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span> suddenly meeting -somebody who reminded them frightfully of some fearful person. I mean -to say, by way of an example, once when I was golfing in Scotland I saw -a woman come into the hotel who was the living image of my Aunt Agatha. -Probably a very decent sort, if I had only waited to see, but I didn't -wait. I legged it that evening, utterly unable to stand the spectacle. -And on another occasion I was driven out of a thoroughly festive night -club because the head waiter reminded me of my Uncle Percy.</p> - -<p>Well, Heloise Pringle, in the most ghastly way, resembled Honoria -Glossop.</p> - -<p>I think I may have told you before about this Glossop scourge. She was -the daughter of Sir Roderick Glossop, the loony-doctor, and I had been -engaged to her for about three weeks, much against my wishes, when the -old boy most fortunately got the idea that I was off my rocker and put -the bee on the proceedings. Since then the mere thought of her had been -enough to make me start out of my sleep with a loud cry. And this girl -was exactly like her.</p> - -<p>'Er—how are you?' I said.</p> - -<p>'How do you do?'</p> - -<p>Her voice put the lid on it. It might have been Honoria herself -talking. Honoria Glossop has a voice like a lion tamer making some -authoritative announcement to one of the troupe, and so had this girl. -I backed away convulsively and sprang into the air as my foot stubbed -itself against something squashy. A sharp yowl rent the air, followed -by an indignant cry, and I turned to see Aunt Jane, on all fours, -trying to put things right with the cat, which had gone to earth under -the sofa. She gave me a look, and I could see that her worst fears had -been realized.</p> - -<p>At this juncture dinner was announced—not before I was ready for it.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, when I got him alone that night, 'I am no faint -heart, but I am inclined to think that this binge is going to prove a -shade above the odds.'</p> - -<p>'You are not enjoying your visit, sir?'</p> - -<p>'I am not, Jeeves. Have you seen Miss Pringle?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir, from a distance.'</p> - -<p>'The best way to see her. Did you observe her keenly?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Did she remind you of anybody?'</p> - -<p>'She appeared to me to bear a remarkable likeness to her cousin, Miss -Glossop, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Her cousin! You don't mean to say she's Honoria Glossop's cousin!'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir. Mrs Pringle was a Miss Blatherwick—the younger of two -sisters, the elder of whom married Sir Roderick Glossop.'</p> - -<p>'Great Scott! That accounts for the resemblance.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>'And what a resemblance, Jeeves! She even talks like Miss Glossop.'</p> - -<p>'Indeed, sir? I have not yet heard Miss Pringle speak.'</p> - -<p>'You have missed little. And what it amounts to, Jeeves, is that, -though nothing will induce me to let old Sippy down, I can see that -this visit is going to try me high. At a pinch, I could stand the -prof and wife. I could even make the effort of a lifetime and bear -up against Aunt Jane. But to expect a man to mix daily with the girl -Heloise—and to do it, what is more, on lemonade, which is all there -was to drink at dinner—is to ask too much of him. What shall I do, -Jeeves?'</p> - -<p>'I think that you should avoid Miss Pringle's society as much as -possible.'</p> - -<p>'The same great thought had occurred to me,' I said.</p> - -<p>It is all very well, though, to talk airily about avoiding a female's -society; but when you are living in the same house with her, and she -doesn't want to avoid you, it takes a bit of doing. It is a peculiar -thing in life<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span> that the people you most particularly want to edge -away from always seem to cluster round like a poultice. I hadn't been -twenty-four hours in the place before I perceived that I was going to -see a lot of this pestilence.</p> - -<p>She was one of those girls you're always meeting on the stairs and -in passages. I couldn't go into a room without seeing her drift in a -minute later. And if I walked in the garden she was sure to leap out at -me from a laurel bush or the onion bed or something. By about the tenth -day I had begun to feel absolutely haunted.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, 'I have begun to feel absolutely haunted.'</p> - -<p>'Sir?'</p> - -<p>'This woman dogs me. I never seem to get a moment to myself. Old Sippy -was supposed to come here to make a study of the Cambridge colleges, -and she took me round about fifty-seven this morning. This afternoon -I went to sit in the garden, and she popped up through a trap and was -in my midst. This evening she cornered me in the morning-room. It's -getting so that, when I have a bath, I wouldn't be a bit surprised to -find her nestling in the soap dish.'</p> - -<p>'Extremely trying, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Dashed so. Have you any remedy to suggest?'</p> - -<p>'Not at the moment, sir. Miss Pringle does appear to be distinctly -interested in you, sir. She was asking me questions this morning -respecting your mode of life in London.'</p> - -<p>'What?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>I stared at the man in horror. A ghastly thought had struck me. I -quivered like an aspen.</p> - -<p>At lunch that day a curious thing had happened. We had just finished -mangling the cutlets and I was sitting back in my chair, taking a bit -of an easy before being allotted my slab of boiled pudding, when, -happening to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span> look up, I caught the girl Heloise's eye fixed on me in -what seemed to me a rather rummy manner. I didn't think much about it -at the time, because boiled pudding is a thing you have to give your -undivided attention to if you want to do yourself justice; but now, -recalling the episode in the light of Jeeves's words, the full sinister -meaning of the thing seemed to come home to me.</p> - -<p>Even at the moment, something about that look had struck me as oddly -familiar, and now I suddenly saw why. It had been the identical -look which I had observed in the eye of Honoria Glossop in the days -immediately preceding our engagement—the look of a tigress that has -marked down its prey.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves, do you know what I think?'</p> - -<p>'Sir?'</p> - -<p>I gulped slightly.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, 'listen attentively. I don't want to give the -impression that I consider myself one of those deadly coves who -exercise an irresistible fascination over one and all and can't meet -a girl without wrecking her peace of mind in the first half-minute. -As a matter of fact, it's rather the other way with me, for girls on -entering my presence are mostly inclined to give me the raised eyebrow -and the twitching upper lip. Nobody, therefore, can say that I am a man -who's likely to take alarm unnecessarily. You admit that, don't you?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Nevertheless, Jeeves, it is a known scientific fact that there is a -particular style of female that does seem strangely attracted to the -sort of fellow I am.'</p> - -<p>'Very true, sir.'</p> - -<p>'I mean to say, I know perfectly well that I've got, roughly speaking, -half the amount of brain a normal bloke ought to possess. And when a -girl comes along who has about twice the regular allowance, she too -often makes a bee line for me with the love-light in her eyes. I don't -know how to account for it, but it is so.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span></p> - -<p>'It may be Nature's provision for maintaining the balance of the -species, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Very possibly. Anyway, it has happened to me over and over again. It -was what happened in the case of Honoria Glossop. She was notoriously -one of the brainiest women of her year at Girton, and she just gathered -me in like a bull pup swallowing a piece of steak.'</p> - -<p>'Miss Pringle, I am informed, sir, was an even more brilliant scholar -than Miss Glossop.'</p> - -<p>'Well, there you are! Jeeves, she looks at me.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir?'</p> - -<p>'I keep meeting her on the stairs and in passages.'</p> - -<p>'Indeed, sir?'</p> - -<p>'She recommends me books to read, to improve my mind.'</p> - -<p>'Highly suggestive, sir.'</p> - -<p>'And at breakfast this morning, when I was eating a sausage, she -told me I shouldn't, as modern medical science held that a four-inch -sausage contained as many germs as a dead rat. The maternal touch, you -understand; fussing over my health.'</p> - -<p>'I think we may regard that, sir, as practically conclusive.'</p> - -<p>I sank into a chair, thoroughly pipped.</p> - -<p>'What's to be done, Jeeves?'</p> - -<p>'We must think, sir.'</p> - -<p>'You think. I haven't the machinery.'</p> - -<p>'I will most certainly devote my very best attention to the matter, -sir, and will endeavour to give satisfaction.'</p> - -<p>Well, that was something. But I was ill at ease. Yes, there is no -getting away from it, Bertram was ill at ease.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Next morning we visited sixty-three more Cambridge colleges, and after -lunch I said I was going to my room to lie down. After staying there -for half an hour to give the coast time to clear, I shoved a book and -smoking<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span> materials in my pocket, and climbing out of a window, shinned -down a convenient water-pipe into the garden. My objective was the -summer-house, where it seemed to me that a man might put in a quiet -hour or so without interruption.</p> - -<p>It was extremely jolly in the garden. The sun was shining, the crocuses -were all to the mustard and there wasn't a sign of Heloise Pringle -anywhere. The cat was fooling about on the lawn, so I chirruped to it -and it gave a low gargle and came trotting up. I had just got it in my -arms and was scratching it under the ear when there was a loud shriek -from above, and there was Aunt Jane half out of the window. Dashed -disturbing.</p> - -<p>'Oh, right-ho,' I said.</p> - -<p>I dropped the cat, which galloped off into the bushes, and dismissing -the idea of bunging a brick at the aged relative, went on my way, -heading for the shrubbery. Once safely hidden there, I worked round -till I got to the summer-house. And, believe me, I had hardly got my -first cigarette nicely under way when a shadow fell on my book and -there was young Sticketh-Closer-Than-a-Brother in person.</p> - -<p>'So there you are,' she said.</p> - -<p>She seated herself by my side, and with a sort of gruesome playfulness -jerked the gasper out of the holder and heaved it through the door.</p> - -<p>'You're always smoking,' she said, a lot too much like a lovingly -chiding young bride for my comfort. 'I wish you wouldn't. It's so bad -for you. And you ought not to be sitting out here without your light -overcoat. You want someone to look after you.'</p> - -<p>'I've got Jeeves.'</p> - -<p>She frowned a bit.</p> - -<p>'I don't like him,' she said.</p> - -<p>'Eh? Why not?'</p> - -<p>'I don't know. I wish you would get rid of him.'</p> - -<p>My flesh absolutely crept. And I'll tell you why. One<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span> of the first -things Honoria Glossop had done after we had become engaged was to tell -me she didn't like Jeeves and wanted him shot out. The realization that -this girl resembled Honoria not only in body but in blackness of soul -made me go all faint.</p> - -<p>'What are you reading?'</p> - -<p>She picked up my book and frowned again. The thing was one I had -brought down from the old flat in London, to glance at in the train—a -fairly zippy effort in the detective line called <i>The Trail of Blood</i>. -She turned the pages with a nasty sneer.</p> - -<p>'I can't understand you liking nonsense of this—' She stopped -suddenly. 'Good gracious!'</p> - -<p>'What's the matter?'</p> - -<p>'Do you know Bertie Wooster?'</p> - -<p>And then I saw that my name was scrawled right across the title page, -and my heart did three back somersaults.</p> - -<p>'Oh—er—well—that is to say—well, slightly.'</p> - -<p>'He must be a perfect horror. I'm surprised that you can make a friend -of him. Apart from anything else, the man is practically an imbecile. -He was engaged to my Cousin Honoria at one time, and it was broken off -because he was next door to insane. You should hear my Uncle Roderick -talk about him!'</p> - -<p>I wasn't keen.</p> - -<p>'Do you see much of him?'</p> - -<p>'A goodish bit.'</p> - -<p>'I saw in the paper the other day that he was fined for making a -disgraceful disturbance in the street.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, I saw that.'</p> - -<p>She gazed at me in a foul, motherly way.</p> - -<p>'He can't be a good influence for you,' she said. 'I do wish you would -drop him. Will you?'</p> - -<p>'Well—' I began. And at this point old Cuthbert, the cat, having -presumably found it a bit slow by himself in the bushes, wandered in -with a matey expression on his<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span> face and jumped on my lap. I welcomed -him with a good deal of cordiality. Though but a cat, he did make a -sort of third at this party; and he afforded a good excuse for changing -the conversation.</p> - -<p>'Jolly birds, cats,' I said.</p> - -<p>She wasn't having any.</p> - -<p>'Will you drop Bertie Wooster?' she said, absolutely ignoring the cat -<i>motif</i>.</p> - -<p>'It would be so difficult.'</p> - -<p>'Nonsense! It only needs a little will-power. The man surely can't be -so interesting a companion as all that. Uncle Roderick says he is an -invertebrate waster.'</p> - -<p>I could have mentioned a few things that I thought Uncle Roderick was, -but my lips were sealed, so to speak.</p> - -<p>'You have changed a great deal since we last met,' said the Pringle -disease reproachfully. She bent forward and began to scratch the cat -under the other ear. 'Do you remember, when we were children together, -you used to say that you would do anything for me?'</p> - -<p>'Did I?'</p> - -<p>'I remember once you cried because I was cross and wouldn't let you -kiss me.'</p> - -<p>I didn't believe it at the time, and I don't believe it now. Sippy is -in many ways a good deal of a chump, but surely even at the age of ten -he cannot have been such a priceless ass as that. I think the girl -was lying, but that didn't make the position of affairs any better. I -edged away a couple of inches and sat staring before me, the old brow -beginning to get slightly bedewed.</p> - -<p>And then suddenly—well, you know how it is, I mean. I suppose everyone -has had that ghastly feeling at one time or another of being urged by -some overwhelming force to do some absolutely blithering act. You get -it every now and then when you're in a crowded theatre, and something -seems to be egging you on to shout 'Fire!' and see what happens. Or -you're talking to someone and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span> all at once you feel, 'Now, suppose I -suddenly biffed this bird in the eye!'</p> - -<p>Well, what I'm driving at is this, at this juncture, with her shoulder -squashing against mine and her black hair tickling my nose, a perfectly -loony impulse came sweeping over me to kiss her.</p> - -<p>'No, really?' I croaked.</p> - -<p>'Have you forgotten?'</p> - -<p>She lifted the old onion and her eyes looked straight into mine. I -could feel myself skidding. I shut my eyes. And then from the doorway -there spoke the most beautiful voice I had ever heard in my life:</p> - -<p>'Give me that cat!'</p> - -<p>I opened my eyes. There was good old Aunt Jane, that queen of her sex, -standing before me, glaring at me as if I were a vivisectionist and she -had surprised me in the middle of an experiment. How this pearl among -women had tracked me down I don't know, but there she stood, bless her -dear, intelligent old soul, like the rescue party in the last reel of a -motion picture.</p> - -<p>I didn't wait. The spell was broken and I legged it. As I went, I heard -that lovely voice again.</p> - -<p>'He shot arrows at my Tibby from a bow,' said this most deserving and -excellent octogenarian.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>For the next few days all was peace. I saw comparatively little of -Heloise. I found the strategic value of that water-pipe outside my -window beyond praise. I seldom left the house now by any other route. -It seemed to me that, if only the luck held like this, I might after -all be able to stick this visit out for the full term of the sentence.</p> - -<p>But meanwhile, as they say in the movies—</p> - -<p>The whole family appeared to be present and correct as I came down to -the drawing-room a couple of nights later. The Prof, Mrs Prof, the two -Exhibits and the girl Heloise were scattered about at intervals. The -cat slept<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span> on the rug, the canary in its cage. There was nothing, in -short, to indicate that this was not just one of our ordinary evenings.</p> - -<p>'Well, well, well!' I said cheerily. 'Hullo-ullo-ullo!'</p> - -<p>I always like to make something in the nature of an entrance speech, it -seeming to me to lend a chummy tone to the proceedings.</p> - -<p>The girl Heloise looked at me reproachfully.</p> - -<p>'Where have you been all day?' she asked.</p> - -<p>'I went to my room after lunch.'</p> - -<p>'You weren't there at five.'</p> - -<p>'No. After putting in a spell of work on the good old colleges I went -for a stroll. Fellow must have exercise if he means to keep fit.'</p> - -<p>'<i>Mens sana in corpore sano</i>,' observed the prof.</p> - -<p>'I shouldn't wonder,' I said cordially.</p> - -<p>At this point, when everything was going as sweet as a nut and I was -feeling on top of my form, Mrs Pringle suddenly socked me on the base -of the skull with a sandbag. Not actually, I don't mean. No, no. I -speak figuratively, as it were.</p> - -<p>'Roderick is very late,' she said.</p> - -<p>You may think it strange that the sound of that name should have -sloshed into my nerve centres like a half-brick. But, take it from me, -to a man who has had any dealings with Sir Roderick Glossop there is -only one Roderick in the world—and that is one too many.</p> - -<p>'Roderick?' I gurgled.</p> - -<p>'My brother-in-law, Sir Roderick Glossop, comes to Cambridge tonight,' -said the prof. 'He lectures at St Luke's tomorrow. He is coming here to -dinner.'</p> - -<p>And while I stood there, feeling like the hero when he discovers that -he is trapped in the den of the Secret Nine, the door opened.</p> - -<p>'Sir Roderick Glossop,' announced the maid or some such person, and in -he came.</p> - -<p>One of the things that get this old crumb so generally<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span> disliked among -the better element of the community is the fact that he has a head like -the dome of St Paul's and eyebrows that want bobbing or shingling to -reduce them to anything like reasonable size. It is a nasty experience -to see this bald and bushy bloke advancing on you when you haven't -prepared the strategic railways in your rear.</p> - -<p>As he came into the room I backed behind a sofa and commended my soul -to God. I didn't need to have my hand read to know that trouble was -coming to me through a dark man.</p> - -<p>He didn't spot me at first. He shook hands with the prof and wife, -kissed Heloise and waggled his head at the Exhibits.</p> - -<p>'I fear I am somewhat late,' he said. 'A slight accident on the road, -affecting what my chauffeur termed the—'</p> - -<p>And then he saw me lurking on the outskirts and gave a startled grunt, -as if I hurt him a good deal internally.</p> - -<p>'This—' began the prof, waving in my direction.</p> - -<p>'I am already acquainted with Mr Wooster.'</p> - -<p>'This,' went on the prof, 'is Miss Sipperley's nephew, Oliver. You -remember Miss Sipperley?'</p> - -<p>'What do you mean?' barked Sir Roderick. Having had so much to do -with loonies has given him a rather sharp and authoritative manner on -occasion. 'This is that wretched young man, Bertram Wooster. What is -all this nonsense about Olivers and Sipperleys?'</p> - -<p>The prof was eyeing me with some natural surprise. So were the others. -I beamed a bit weakly.</p> - -<p>'Well, as a matter of fact—' I said.</p> - -<p>The prof was wrestling with the situation. You could hear his brain -buzzing.</p> - -<p>'He said he was Oliver Sipperley,' he moaned.</p> - -<p>'Come here!' bellowed Sir Roderick. 'Am I to understand that you have -inflicted yourself on this household under the pretence of being the -nephew of an old friend?'</p> - -<p>It seemed a pretty accurate description of the facts.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Well—er—yes,' I said.</p> - -<p>Sir Roderick shot an eye at me. It entered the body somewhere about the -top stud, roamed around inside for a bit and went out at the back.</p> - -<p>'Insane! Quite insane, as I knew from the first moment I saw him.'</p> - -<p>'What did he say?' asked Aunt Jane.</p> - -<p>'Roderick says this young man is insane,' roared the prof.</p> - -<p>'Ah!' said Aunt Jane, nodding. 'I thought so. He climbs down -water-pipes.'</p> - -<p>'Does what?'</p> - -<p>'I've seen him—ah, many a time!'</p> - -<p>Sir Roderick snorted violently.</p> - -<p>'He ought to be under proper restraint. It is abominable that a person -in his mental condition should be permitted to roam the world at large. -The next stage may quite easily be homicidal.'</p> - -<p>It seemed to me that, even at the expense of giving old Sippy away, I -must be cleared of this frightful charge. After all, Sippy's number was -up anyway.</p> - -<p>'Let me explain,' I said. 'Sippy asked me to come here.'</p> - -<p>'What do you mean?'</p> - -<p>'He couldn't come himself, because he was jugged for biffing a cop on -Boat-Race Night.'</p> - -<p>Well, it wasn't easy to make them get the hang of the story, and even -when I'd done it it didn't seem to make them any chummier towards me. -A certain coldness about expresses it, and when dinner was announced I -counted myself out and pushed off rapidly to my room. I could have done -with a bit of dinner, but the atmosphere didn't seem just right.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, having shot in and pressed the bell, 'we're sunk.'</p> - -<p>'Sir?'</p> - -<p>'Hell's foundations are quivering and the game is up.'</p> - -<p>He listened attentively.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span></p> - -<p>'The contingency was one always to have been anticipated as a -possibility, sir. It only remains to take the obvious step.'</p> - -<p>'What's that?'</p> - -<p>'Go and see Miss Sipperley, sir.'</p> - -<p>'What on earth for?'</p> - -<p>'I think it would be judicious to apprise her of the facts yourself, -sir, instead of allowing her to hear of them through the medium of a -letter from Professor Pringle. That is to say, if you are still anxious -to do all in your power to assist Mr Sipperley.'</p> - -<p>'I can't let Sippy down. If you think it's any good—'</p> - -<p>'We can but try it, sir. I have an idea, sir, that we may find Miss -Sipperley disposed to look leniently upon Mr Sipperley's misdemeanour.'</p> - -<p>'What makes you think that?'</p> - -<p>'It is just a feeling that I have, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Well, if you think it would be worth trying—How do we get there?'</p> - -<p>'The distance is about a hundred and fifty miles, sir. Our best plan -would be to hire a car.'</p> - -<p>'Get it at once,' I said.</p> - -<p>The idea of being a hundred and fifty miles away from Heloise Pringle, -not to mention Aunt Jane and Sir Roderick Glossop, sounded about as -good to me as anything I had ever heard.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The Paddock, Beckley-on-the-Moor, was about a couple of parasangs -from the village, and I set out for it next morning, after partaking -of a hearty breakfast at the local inn, practically without a tremor. -I suppose when a fellow has been through it as I had in the last two -weeks his system becomes hardened. After all, I felt, whatever this -aunt of Sippy's might be like, she wasn't Sir Roderick Glossop, so I -was that much on velvet from the start.</p> - -<p>The Paddock was one of those medium-sized houses<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span> with a goodish bit -of very tidy garden and a carefully rolled gravel drive curving past -a shrubbery that looked as if it had just come back from the dry -cleaner—the sort of house you take one look at and say to yourself, -'Somebody's aunt lives there.' I pushed on up the drive, and as I -turned the bend I observed in the middle distance a woman messing about -by a flower-bed with a trowel in her hand. If this wasn't the female I -was after, I was very much mistaken, so I halted, cleared the throat -and gave tongue.</p> - -<p>'Miss Sipperley?'</p> - -<p>She had had her back to me, and at the sound of my voice she executed -a sort of leap or bound, not unlike a barefoot dancer who steps on a -tin-tack half-way through the Vision of Salome. She came to earth and -goggled at me in a rather goofy manner. A large, stout female with a -reddish face.</p> - -<p>'Hope I didn't startle you,' I said.</p> - -<p>'Who are you?'</p> - -<p>'My name's Wooster. I'm a pal of your nephew, Oliver.'</p> - -<p>Her breathing had become more regular.</p> - -<p>'Oh?' she said. 'When I heard your voice I thought you were someone -else.'</p> - -<p>'No, that's who I am. I came up here to tell you about Oliver.'</p> - -<p>'What about him?'</p> - -<p>I hesitated. Now that we were approaching what you might call the nub, -or crux, of the situation, a good deal of my breezy confidence seemed -to have slipped from me.</p> - -<p>'Well, it's rather a painful tale, I must warn you.'</p> - -<p>'Oliver isn't ill? He hasn't had an accident?'</p> - -<p>She spoke anxiously, and I was pleased at this evidence of human -feeling. I decided to shoot the works with no more delay.</p> - -<p>'Oh, no, he isn't ill,' I said; 'and as regards having<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span> accidents, it -depends on what you call an accident. He's in chokey.'</p> - -<p>'In what?'</p> - -<p>'In prison.'</p> - -<p>'In prison!'</p> - -<p>'It was entirely my fault. We were strolling along on Boat-Race Night -and I advised him to pinch a policeman's helmet.'</p> - -<p>'I don't understand.'</p> - -<p>'Well, he seemed depressed, don't you know; and rightly or wrongly, -I thought it might cheer him up if he stepped across the street and -collared a policeman's helmet. He thought it a good idea, too, so he -started doing it, and the man made a fuss and Oliver sloshed him.'</p> - -<p>'Sloshed him?'</p> - -<p>'Biffed him—smote him a blow—in the stomach.'</p> - -<p>'My nephew Oliver hit a policeman in the stomach?'</p> - -<p>'Absolutely in the stomach. And next morning the beak sent him to the -bastille for thirty days without the option.'</p> - -<p>I was looking at her a bit anxiously all this while to see how she was -taking the thing, and at this moment her face seemed suddenly to split -in half. For an instant she appeared to be all mouth, and then she -was staggering about the grass, shouting with laughter and waving the -trowel madly.</p> - -<p>It seemed to me a bit of luck for her that Sir Roderick Glossop wasn't -on the spot. He would have been sitting on her head and calling for the -strait-waistcoat in the first half-minute.</p> - -<p>'You aren't annoyed?' I said.</p> - -<p>'Annoyed?' She chuckled happily. 'I've never heard such a splendid -thing in my life.'</p> - -<p>I was pleased and relieved. I had hoped the news wouldn't upset her too -much, but I had never expected it to go with such a roar as this.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span></p> - -<p>'I'm proud of him,' she said.</p> - -<p>'That's fine.'</p> - -<p>'If every young man in England went about hitting policemen in the -stomach, it would be a better country to live in.'</p> - -<p>I couldn't follow her reasoning, but everything seemed to be all right; -so after a few more cheery words I said good-bye and legged it.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said when I got back to the inn, 'everything's fine. But I -am far from understanding why.'</p> - -<p>'What actually occurred when you met Miss Sipperley, sir?'</p> - -<p>'I told her Sippy was in the jug for assaulting the police. Upon which -she burst into hearty laughter, waved her trowel in a pleased manner -and said she was proud of him.'</p> - -<p>'I think I can explain her apparently eccentric behaviour, sir. I -am informed that Miss Sipperley has had a good deal of annoyance at -the hands of the local constable during the past two weeks. This has -doubtless resulted in a prejudice on her part against the force as a -whole.'</p> - -<p>'Really? How was that?'</p> - -<p>'The constable has been somewhat over-zealous in the performance of -his duties, sir. On no fewer than three occasions in the last ten days -he has served summonses upon Miss Sipperley—for exceeding the speed -limit in her car; for allowing her dog to appear in public without a -collar; and for failing to abate a smoky chimney. Being in the nature -of an autocrat, if I may use the term, in the village, Miss Sipperley -has been accustomed to do these things in the past with impunity, and -the constable's unexpected zeal has made her somewhat ill-disposed -to policemen as a class and consequently disposed to look upon such -assaults as Mr Sipperley's in a kindly and broadminded spirit.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span></p> - -<p>I saw his point.</p> - -<p>'What an amazing bit of luck, Jeeves!'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Where did you hear all this?'</p> - -<p>'My informant was the constable himself, sir. He is my cousin.'</p> - -<p>I gaped at the man. I saw, so to speak, all.</p> - -<p>'Good Lord, Jeeves! You didn't bribe him?'</p> - -<p>'Oh, no, sir. But it was his birthday last week, and I gave him a -little present. I have always been fond of Egbert, sir.'</p> - -<p>'How much?'</p> - -<p>'A matter of five pounds, sir.'</p> - -<p>I felt in my pocket.</p> - -<p>'Here you are,' I said. 'And another fiver for luck.'</p> - -<p>'Thank you very much, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, 'you move in a mysterious way your wonders to -perform. You don't mind if I sing a bit, do you?'</p> - -<p>'Not at all, sir,' said Jeeves.</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h3><a name="c8_Fixing_it_for_Freddie" id="c8_Fixing_it_for_Freddie">8—Fixing it for Freddie</a></h3> - - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, looking in on him one afternoon on my return from the -club, 'I don't want to interrupt you.'</p> - -<p>'No, sir?'</p> - -<p>'But I would like a word with you.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir?'</p> - -<p>He had been packing a few of the Wooster necessaries in the old kitbag -against our approaching visit to the seaside, and he now rose and stood -bursting with courteous zeal.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, 'a somewhat disturbing situation has arisen with -regard to a pal of mine.'</p> - -<p>'Indeed, sir?'</p> - -<p>'You know Mr Bullivant?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Well, I slid into the Drones this morning for a bite of lunch, and -found him in a dark corner of the smoking-room looking like the last -rose of summer. Naturally I was surprised. You know what a bright lad -he is as a rule. The life and soul of every gathering he attends.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Quite the little lump of fun, in fact.'</p> - -<p>'Precisely, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Well, I made inquiries, and he told me that he had had a quarrel with -the girl he's engaged to. You knew he was engaged to Miss Elizabeth -Vickers?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir. I recall reading the announcement in the <i>Morning Post</i>.'</p> - -<p>'Well, he isn't any longer. What the row was about he didn't say, but -the broad facts, Jeeves, are that she has<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span> scratched the fixture. She -won't let him come near her, refuses to talk on the phone, and sends -back his letters unopened.'</p> - -<p>'Extremely trying, sir.'</p> - -<p>'We ought to do something, Jeeves. But what?'</p> - -<p>'It is somewhat difficult to make a suggestion, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Well, what I'm going to do for a start is to take him down to Marvis -Bay with me. I know these birds who have been handed their hat by the -girl of their dreams, Jeeves. What they want is complete change of -scene.'</p> - -<p>'There is much in what you say, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Yes. Change of scene is the thing. I heard of a man. Girl refused him. -Man went abroad. Two months later girl wired him "Come back, Muriel." -Man started to write out a reply; suddenly found that he couldn't -remember girl's surname; so never answered at all, and lived happily -ever after. It may well be, Jeeves, that after Freddie Bullivant has -had a few weeks of Marvis Bay he will get completely over it.'</p> - -<p>'Very possibly, sir.'</p> - -<p>'And, if not, it is quite likely that, refreshed by sea air and good -simple food, you will get a brain-wave and think up some scheme for -bringing these two misguided blighters together again.'</p> - -<p>'I will do my best, sir.'</p> - -<p>'I knew it, Jeeves, I knew it. Don't forget to put in plenty of socks.'</p> - -<p>'No, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Also of tennis shirts not a few.'</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir.'</p> - -<p>I left him to his packing, and a couple of days later we started off -for Marvis Bay, where I had taken a cottage for July and August.</p> - -<p>I don't know if you know Marvis Bay? It's in Dorsetshire; and, while -not what you would call a fiercely exciting spot, has many good points. -You spend the day there bathing and sitting on the sands, and in the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span> -evening you stroll out on the shore with the mosquitoes. At nine p.m. -you rub ointment on the wounds and go to bed. It was a simple, healthy -life, and it seemed to suit poor old Freddie absolutely. Once the moon -was up and the breeze sighing in the trees, you couldn't drag him -from that beach with ropes. He became quite a popular pet with the -mosquitoes. They would hang round waiting for him to come out, and -would give a miss to perfectly good strollers just so as to be in good -condition for him.</p> - -<p>It was during the day that I found Freddie, poor old chap, a trifle -heavy as a guest. I suppose you can't blame a bloke whose heart is -broken, but it required a good deal of fortitude to bear up against -this gloom-crushed exhibit during the early days of our little holiday. -When he wasn't chewing a pipe and scowling at the carpet, he was -sitting at the piano, playing 'The Rosary' with one finger. He couldn't -play anything except 'The Rosary', and he couldn't play much of that. -However firmly and confidently he started off, somewhere around the -third bar a fuse would blow out and he would have to start all over -again.</p> - -<p>He was playing it as usual one morning when I came in from bathing: and -it seemed to me that he was extracting more hideous melancholy from it -even than usual. Nor had my sense deceived me.</p> - -<p>'Bertie,' he said in a hollow voice, skidding on the fourth crotchet -from the left as you enter the second bar and producing a distressing -sound like the death-rattle of a sand-eel, 'I've seen her!'</p> - -<p>'Seen her?' I said. 'What, Elizabeth Vickers? How do you mean, you've -seen her? She isn't down here.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, she is. I suppose she's staying with relations or something. I -was down at the post office, seeing if there were any letters, and we -met in the doorway.'</p> - -<p>'What happened?'</p> - -<p>'She cut me dead.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span></p> - -<p>He started 'The Rosary' again, and stubbed his finger on a semi-quaver.</p> - -<p>'Bertie,' he said, 'you ought never to have brought me here. I must go -away.'</p> - -<p>'Go away? Don't talk such rot. This is the best thing that could have -happened. It's a most amazing bit of luck, her being down here. This is -where you come out strong.'</p> - -<p>'She cut me.'</p> - -<p>'Never mind. Be a sportsman. Have another dash at her.'</p> - -<p>'She looked clean through me.'</p> - -<p>'Well, don't mind that. Stick at it. Now, having got her down here, -what you want,' I said, 'is to place her under some obligation to you. -What you want is to get her timidly thanking you. What you want—'</p> - -<p>'What's she going to thank me timidly for?'</p> - -<p>I thought for a while. Undoubtedly he had put his finger on the nub of -the problem. For some moments I was at a loss, not to say nonplussed. -Then I saw the way.</p> - -<p>'What you want,' I said, 'is to look out for a chance and save her from -drowning.'</p> - -<p>'I can't swim.'</p> - -<p>That was Freddie Bullivant all over. A dear old chap in a thousand -ways, but no help to a fellow, if you know what I mean.</p> - -<p>He cranked up the piano once more, and I legged it for the open.</p> - -<p>I strolled out on the beach and began to think this thing over. I would -have liked to consult Jeeves, of course, but Jeeves had disappeared for -the morning. There was no doubt that it was hopeless expecting Freddie -to do anything for himself in this crisis. I'm not saying that dear old -Freddie hasn't got his strong qualities. He is good at polo, and I have -heard him spoken of as a coming man at snooker-pool. But apart from -this you couldn't call him a man of enterprise.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span></p> - -<p>Well, I was rounding some rocks, thinking pretty tensely, when I caught -sight of a blue dress, and there was the girl in person. I had never -met her, but Freddie had sixteen photographs of her sprinkled round -his bedroom, and I knew I couldn't be mistaken. She was sitting on the -sand, helping a small, fat child to build a castle. On a chair close -by was an elderly female reading a novel. I heard the girl call her -'aunt'. So, getting the reasoning faculties to work, I deduced that the -fat child must be her cousin. It struck me that if Freddie had been -there he would probably have tried to work up some sentiment about the -kid on the strength of it. I couldn't manage this. I don't think I ever -saw a kid who made me feel less sentimental. He was one of those round, -bulging kids.</p> - -<p>After he had finished his castle he seemed to get bored with life and -began to cry. The girl, who seemed to read him like a book, took him -off to where a fellow was selling sweets at a stall. And I walked on.</p> - -<p>Now, those who know me, if you ask them, will tell you that I'm a -chump. My Aunt Agatha would testify to this effect. So would my -Uncle Percy and many more of my nearest and—if you like to use the -expression—dearest. Well, I don't mind. I admit it. I <i>am</i> a chump. -But what I do say—and I should like to lay the greatest possible -stress on this—is that every now and then, just when the populace has -given up hope that I will ever show any real human intelligence—I -get what it is idle to pretend is not an inspiration. And that's what -happened now. I doubt if the idea that came to me at this juncture -would have occurred to a single one of any dozen of the largest-brained -blokes in history. Napoleon might have got it, but I'll bet Darwin and -Shakespeare and Thomas Hardy wouldn't have thought of it in a thousand -years.</p> - -<p>It came to me on my return journey. I was walking back along the -shore, exercising the old bean fiercely,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span> when I saw the fat child -meditatively smacking a jelly-fish with a spade. The girl wasn't with -him. The aunt wasn't with him. In fact, there wasn't anybody else in -sight. And the solution of the whole trouble between Freddie and his -Elizabeth suddenly came to me in a flash.</p> - -<p>From what I had seen of the two, the girl was evidently fond of this -kid: and, anyhow, he was her cousin, so what I said to myself was this: -If I kidnap this young heavyweight for a brief space of time: and if, -when the girl has got frightfully anxious about where he can have got -to, dear old Freddie suddenly appears leading the infant by the hand -and telling a story to the effect that he found him wandering at large -about the country and practically saved his life, the girl's gratitude -is bound to make her chuck hostilities and be friends again.</p> - -<p>So I gathered up the kid and made off with him.</p> - -<p>Freddie, dear old chap, was rather slow at first in getting on to the -fine points of the idea. When I appeared at the cottage, carrying -the child, and dumped him down in the sitting-room, he showed no joy -whatever. The child had started to bellow by this time, not thinking -much of the thing, and Freddie seemed to find it rather trying.</p> - -<p>'What the devil's all this?' he asked, regarding the little visitor -with a good deal of loathing.</p> - -<p>The kid loosed off a yell that made the windows rattle, and I saw that -this was a time for strategy. I raced to the kitchen and fetched a pot -of honey. It was the right idea. The kid stopped bellowing and began to -smear his face with the stuff.</p> - -<p>'Well?' said Freddie, when silence had set in.</p> - -<p>I explained the scheme. After a while it began to strike him. The -careworn look faded from his face, and for the first time since his -arrival at Marvis Bay he smiled almost happily.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span></p> - -<p>'There's something in this, Bertie.'</p> - -<p>'It's the goods.'</p> - -<p>'I think it will work,' said Freddie.</p> - -<p>And, disentangling the child from the honey, he led him out.</p> - -<p>'I expect Elizabeth will be on the beach somewhere,' he said.</p> - -<p>What you might call a quiet happiness suffused me, if that's the word I -want. I was very fond of old Freddie, and it was jolly to think that he -was shortly about to click once more. I was leaning back in a chair on -the veranda, smoking a peaceful cigarette, when down the road I saw the -old boy returning, and, by George, the kid was still with him.</p> - -<p>'Hallo!' I said. 'Couldn't you find her?'</p> - -<p>I then perceived that Freddie was looking as if he had been kicked in -the stomach.</p> - -<p>'Yes, I found her,' he replied, with one of those bitter, mirthless -laughs you read about.</p> - -<p>'Well, then—?'</p> - -<p>He sank into a chair and groaned.</p> - -<p>'This isn't her cousin, you idiot,' he said. 'He's no relation at -all—just a kid she met on the beach. She had never seen him before in -her life.'</p> - -<p>'But she was helping him build a sand-castle.'</p> - -<p>'I don't care. He's a perfect stranger.'</p> - -<p>It seemed to me that, if the modern girl goes about building -sand-castles with kids she has only known for five minutes and probably -without a proper introduction at that, then all that has been written -about her is perfectly true. Brazen is the word that seems to meet the -case.</p> - -<p>I said as much to Freddie, but he wasn't listening.</p> - -<p>'Well, who is this ghastly child, then?' I said.</p> - -<p>'I don't know. O Lord, I've had a time! Thank goodness you will -probably spend the next few years of your life in Dartmoor for -kidnapping. That's my only<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span> consolation. I'll come and jeer at you -through the bars on visiting days.'</p> - -<p>'Tell me all, old man,' I said.</p> - -<p>He told me all. It took him a good long time to do it, for he broke -off in the middle of nearly every sentence to call me names, but I -gradually gathered what had happened. The girl Elizabeth had listened -like an iceberg while he worked off the story he had prepared, and -then—well, she didn't actually call him a liar in so many words, but -she gave him to understand in a general sort of way that he was a worm -and an outcast. And then he crawled off with the kid, licked to a -splinter.</p> - -<p>'And mind,' he concluded, 'this is your affair. I'm not mixed up in it -at all. If you want to escape your sentence—or anyway get a portion of -it remitted—you'd better go and find the child's parents and return -him before the police come for you.'</p> - -<p>'Who are his parents?'</p> - -<p>'I don't know.'</p> - -<p>'Where do they live?'</p> - -<p>'I don't know.'</p> - -<p>The kid didn't seem to know, either. A thoroughly vapid and uninformed -infant. I got out of him the fact that he had a father, but that was as -far as he went. It didn't seem ever to have occurred to him, chatting -of an evening with the old man, to ask him his name and address. So, -after a wasted ten minutes, out we went into the great world, more or -less what you might call at random.</p> - -<p>I give you my word that, until I started to tramp the place with this -child, I never had a notion that it was such a difficult job restoring -a son to his parents. How kidnappers ever get caught is a mystery to -me. I searched Marvis Bay like a bloodhound, but nobody came forward -to claim the infant. You would have thought, from the lack of interest -in him, that he was stopping there all by himself in a cottage of -his own. It wasn't till, by another inspiration, I thought to ask -the sweet-stall man that I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span> got on the track. The sweet-stall man, -who seemed to have seen a lot of him, said that the child's name was -Kegworthy, and that his parents lived at a place called Ocean Rest.</p> - -<p>It then remained to find Ocean Rest. And eventually, after visiting -Ocean View, Ocean Prospect, Ocean Breeze, Ocean Cottage, Ocean -Bungalow, Ocean Nook and Ocean Homestead, I trailed it down.</p> - -<p>I knocked at the door. Nobody answered. I knocked again. I could hear -movements inside, but nobody appeared. I was just going to get to work -with that knocker in such a way that it would filter through these -people's heads that I wasn't standing there just for the fun of the -thing, when a voice from somewhere above shouted 'Hi!'</p> - -<p>I looked up and saw a round, pink face, with grey whiskers east and -west of it, staring down at me from an upper window.</p> - -<p>'Hi!' it shouted again. 'You can't come in.'</p> - -<p>'I don't want to come in.'</p> - -<p>'Because—Oh, is that Tootles?'</p> - -<p>'My name is not Tootles. Are you Mr Kegworthy? I've brought back your -son.'</p> - -<p>'I see him. Peep-bo, Tootles, Dadda can see 'oo.'</p> - -<p>The face disappeared with a jerk. I could hear voices. The face -reappeared.</p> - -<p>'Hi!'</p> - -<p>I churned the gravel madly. This blighter was giving me the pip.</p> - -<p>'Do you live here?' asked the face.</p> - -<p>'I have taken a cottage here for a few weeks.'</p> - -<p>'What's your name?'</p> - -<p>'Wooster.'</p> - -<p>'Fancy that! Do you spell it W-o-r-c-e-s-t-e-r or W-o-o-s-t-e-r?'</p> - -<p>'W-o-o—'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span></p> - -<p>'I ask because I once knew a Miss Wooster, spelled W-o—'</p> - -<p>I had had about enough of this spelling-bee.</p> - -<p>'Will you open the door and take this child in?'</p> - -<p>'I mustn't open the door. This Miss Wooster that I knew married a man -named Spenser. Was she any relation?'</p> - -<p>'She is my Aunt Agatha,' I replied, and I spoke with a good deal of -bitterness, trying to suggest by my manner that he was exactly the sort -of man, in my opinion, who would know my Aunt Agatha.</p> - -<p>He beamed down at me.</p> - -<p>'This is most fortunate. We were wondering what to do with Tootles. -You see, we have mumps here. My daughter Bootles has just developed -mumps. Tootles must not be exposed to the risk of infection. We could -not think what to do with him. It was most fortunate, your finding the -dear child. He strayed from his nurse. I would hesitate to trust him to -a stranger, but you are different. Any nephew of Mrs Spenser's has my -complete confidence. You must take Tootles into your house. It will be -an ideal arrangement. I have written to my brother in London to come -and fetch him. He may be here in a few days.'</p> - -<p>'May!'</p> - -<p>'He is a busy man, of course; but he should certainly be here within -a week. Till then Tootles can stop with you. It is an excellent plan. -Very much obliged to you. Your wife will like Tootles.'</p> - -<p>'I haven't got a wife!' I yelled; but the window had closed with a -bang, as if the man with the whiskers had found a germ trying to escape -and had headed it off just in time.</p> - -<p>I breathed a deep breath and wiped the old forehead.</p> - -<p>The window flew up again.</p> - -<p>'Hi!'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span></p> - -<p>A package weighing about a ton hit me on the head and burst like a bomb.</p> - -<p>'Did you catch it?' said the face, reappearing. 'Dear me, you missed -it. Never mind. You can get it at the grocer's. Ask for Bailey's -Granulated Breakfast Chips. Tootles takes them for breakfast with a -little milk. Not cream. Milk. Be sure to get Bailey's.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, but—'</p> - -<p>The face disappeared, and the window was banged down again. I lingered -a while, but nothing else happened, so, taking Tootles by the hand, I -walked slowly away.</p> - -<p>And as we turned up the road we met Freddie's Elizabeth.</p> - -<p>'Well, baby?' she said, sighting the kid. 'So daddy found you again, -did he? Your little son and I made great friends on the beach this -morning,' she said to me.</p> - -<p>This was the limit. Coming on top of that interview with the whiskered -lunatic, it so utterly unnerved me that she had nodded good-bye and was -half-way down the road before I caught up with my breath enough to deny -the charge of being the infant's father.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I hadn't expected Freddie to sing with joy when he saw me looming up -with child complete, but I did think he might have showed a little more -manly fortitude, a little more of the old British bulldog spirit. He -leaped up when we came in, glared at the kid and clutched his head. He -didn't speak for a long time; but, to make up for it, when he began he -did not leave off for a long time.</p> - -<p>'Well,' he said, when he had finished the body of his remarks, 'say -something! Heavens, man, why don't you say something?'</p> - -<p>'If you'll give me a chance, I will,' I said, and shot the bad news.</p> - -<p>'What are you going to do about it?' he asked. And it would be idle to -deny that his manner was peevish.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span></p> - -<p>'What can we do about it?'</p> - -<p>'We? What do you mean, we? I'm not going to spend my time taking turns -as a nursemaid to this excrescence. I'm going back to London.'</p> - -<p>'Freddie!' I cried. 'Freddie, old man!' My voice shook. 'Would you -desert a pal at a time like this?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, I would.'</p> - -<p>'Freddie,' I said, 'you've got to stand by me. You must. Do you realize -that this child has to be undressed, and bathed, and dressed again? You -wouldn't leave me to do all that single-handed?'</p> - -<p>'Jeeves can help you.'</p> - -<p>'No, sir,' said Jeeves, who had just rolled in with lunch; 'I must, -I fear, disassociate myself completely from the matter.' He spoke -respectfully but firmly. 'I have had little or no experience with -children.'</p> - -<p>'Now's the time to start,' I urged.</p> - -<p>'No, sir,—I am sorry to say that I cannot involve myself in any way.'</p> - -<p>'Then you must stand by me, Freddie.'</p> - -<p>'I won't.'</p> - -<p>'You must. Reflect, old man! We have been pals for years. Your mother -likes me.'</p> - -<p>'No, she doesn't.'</p> - -<p>'Well, anyway, we were at school together and you owe me a tenner.'</p> - -<p>'Oh, well,' he said in a resigned sort of voice.</p> - -<p>'Besides, old thing,' I said, 'I did it all for your sake, you know.'</p> - -<p>He looked at me in a curious way, and breathed rather hard for some -moments.</p> - -<p>'Bertie,' he said, 'one moment. I will stand a good deal, but I will -not stand being expected to be grateful.'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Looking back at it, I can see that what saved me from Colney Hatch in -this crisis was my bright idea in buying up most of the contents of -the local sweet-shop. By<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span> serving out sweets to the kid practically -incessantly we managed to get through the rest of that day pretty -satisfactorily. At eight o'clock he fell asleep in a chair; and, having -undressed him by unbuttoning every button in sight and, where there -were no buttons, pulling till something gave, we carried him up to bed.</p> - -<p>Freddie stood looking at the pile of clothes on the floor with a sort -of careworn wrinkle between his eyes, and I knew what he was thinking. -To get the kid undressed had been simple—a mere matter of muscle. -But how were we to get him into his clothes again? I stirred the heap -with my foot. There was a long linen arrangement which might have been -anything. Also a strip of pink flannel which was like nothing on earth. -All most unpleasant.</p> - -<p>But in the morning I remembered that there were children in the next -bungalow but one, and I went there before breakfast and borrowed their -nurse. Women are wonderful, by Jove they are! This nurse had all the -spare parts assembled and in the right places in about eight minutes, -and there was the kid dressed and looking fit to go to a garden party -at Buckingham Palace. I showered wealth upon her, and she promised to -come in morning and evening. I sat down to breakfast almost cheerful -again. It was the first bit of silver lining that had presented itself -to date.</p> - -<p>'And, after all,' I said, 'there's lots to be argued in favour of -having a child about the place, if you know what I mean. Kind of cosy -and domestic, what?'</p> - -<p>Just then the kid upset the milk over Freddie's trousers, and when he -had come back after changing he lacked sparkle.</p> - -<p>It was shortly after breakfast that Jeeves asked if he could have a -word in my ear.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Now, though in the anguish of recent events I had rather tended to -forget what had been the original idea in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span> bringing Freddie down to -this place, I hadn't forgotten it altogether; and I'm bound to say -that, as the days went by, I had found myself a little disappointed -in Jeeves. The scheme had been, if you recall, that he should refresh -himself with sea air and simple food and, having thus got his brain -into prime working order, evolve some means of bringing Freddie and his -Elizabeth together again.</p> - -<p>And what had happened? The man had eaten well and he had slept well, -but not a step did he appear to have taken towards bringing about the -happy ending. The only move that had been made in that direction had -been made by me, alone and unaided; and, though I freely admit that it -had turned out a good deal of a bloomer, still the fact remains that I -had shown zeal and enterprise. Consequently I received him with a bit -of hauteur when he blew in. Slightly cold. A trifle frosty.</p> - -<p>'Yes, Jeeves?' I said. 'You wished to speak to me?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Say on, Jeeves,' I said.</p> - -<p>'Thank you, sir. What I desired to say, sir, was this: I attended a -performance at the local cinema last night.'</p> - -<p>I raised the eyebrows. I was surprised at the man. With life in the -home so frightfully tense and the young master up against it to such a -fearful extent, I disapproved of him coming toddling in and prattling -about his amusements.</p> - -<p>'I hope you enjoyed yourself,' I said in rather a nasty manner.</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir, thank you. The management was presenting a super-super-film -in seven reels, dealing with life in the wilder and more feverish -strata of New York Society, featuring Bertha Blevitch, Orlando Murphy -and Baby Bobbie. I found it most entertaining, sir.'</p> - -<p>'That's good,' I said. 'And if you have a nice time this morning on the -sands with your spade and bucket, you will come and tell me all about -it, won't you? I have so<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span> little on my mind just now that it's a treat -to hear all about your happy holiday.'</p> - -<p>Satirical, if you see what I mean. Sarcastic. Almost bitter, as a -matter of fact, if you come right down to it.</p> - -<p>'The title of the film was <i>Tiny Hands</i>, sir. And the father and mother -of the character played by Baby Bobbie had unfortunately drifted -apart—'</p> - -<p>'Too bad,' I said.</p> - -<p>'Although at heart they loved each other still, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Did they really? I'm glad you told me that.'</p> - -<p>'And so matters went on, sir, till came a day when—'</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, fixing him with a dashed unpleasant eye, 'what the -dickens do you think you're talking about? Do you suppose that, with -this infernal child landed on me and the peace of the home practically -shattered into a million bits, I want to hear—'</p> - -<p>'I beg your pardon, sir. I would not have mentioned this cinema -performance were it not for the fact that it gave me an idea, sir.'</p> - -<p>'An idea!'</p> - -<p>'An idea that will, I fancy, sir, prove of value in straightening out -the matrimonial future of Mr Bullivant. To which end, if you recollect, -sir, you desired me to—'</p> - -<p>I snorted with remorse.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, 'I wronged you.'</p> - -<p>'Not at all, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, I did. I wronged you. I had a notion that you had given yourself -up entirely to the pleasures of the seaside and had chucked that -business altogether. I might have known better. Tell me all, Jeeves.'</p> - -<p>He bowed in a gratified manner. I beamed. And, while we didn't actually -fall on each other's necks, we gave each other to understand that all -was well once more.</p> - -<p>'In this super-super-film <i>Tiny Hands</i>, sir,' said Jeeves, 'the parents -of the child had, as I say, drifted apart.'</p> - -<p>'Drifted apart,' I said, nodding. 'Right! And then?'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Came a day, sir, when their little child brought them together again.'</p> - -<p>'How?'</p> - -<p>'If I remember rightly, sir, he said, "Dadda, doesn't 'oo love mummie -no more?"'</p> - -<p>'And then?'</p> - -<p>'They exhibited a good deal of emotion. There was what I believe is -termed a cut-back, showing scenes from their courtship and early -married life and some glimpses of Lovers Through the Ages, and the -picture concluded with a close-up of the pair in an embrace, with -the child looking on with natural gratification and an organ playing -"Hearts and Flowers" in the distance.'</p> - -<p>'Proceed, Jeeves,' I said. 'You interest me strangely. I begin to grasp -the idea. You mean—?'</p> - -<p>'I mean, sir, that, with this young gentleman on the premises, it might -be possible to arrange a <i>dénouement</i> of a somewhat similar nature in -regard to Mr Bullivant and Miss Vickers.'</p> - -<p>'Aren't you overlooking the fact that this kid is no relation of Mr -Bullivant or Miss Vickers?'</p> - -<p>'Even with that handicap, sir, I fancy that good results might ensue. I -think that, if it were possible to bring Mr Bullivant and Miss Vickers -together for a short space of time in the presence of the child, sir, -and if the child were to say something of a touching nature—'</p> - -<p>'I follow you absolutely, Jeeves,' I cried with enthusiasm. 'It's big. -This is the way I see it. We lay the scene in this room. Child, centre. -Girl, l.c. Freddie up stage, playing the piano. No, that won't do. -He can only play a little of "The Rosary" with one finger, so we'll -have to cut out the soft music. But the rest's all right. Look here,' -I said. 'This inkpot is Miss Vickers. This mug with "A Present from -Marvis Bay" on it is the child. This penwiper is Mr Bullivant. Start -with dialogue leading up to child's line. Child speaks line, let us -say,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span> "Boofer lady, does 'oo love dadda?" Business of outstretched -hands. Hold picture for a moment. Freddie crosses l. takes girl's hand. -Business of swallowing lump in throat. Then big speech: "Ah, Elizabeth, -has not this misunderstanding of ours gone on too long? See! A little -child rebukes us!" And so on. I'm just giving you the general outline. -Freddie must work up his own part. And we must get a good line for the -child. "Boofer lady, does 'oo love dadda?" isn't definite enough. We -want something more—'</p> - -<p>'If I might make the suggestion, sir—?'</p> - -<p>'Yes?'</p> - -<p>'I would advocate the words "Kiss Freddie!" It is short, readily -memorized, and has what I believe is technically termed the punch.'</p> - -<p>'Genius, Jeeves!'</p> - -<p>'Thank you very much, sir.'</p> - -<p>'"Kiss Freddie!" it is, then. But, I say, Jeeves, how the deuce are -we to get them together in here? Miss Vickers cuts Mr Bullivant. She -wouldn't come within a mile of him.'</p> - -<p>'It is awkward, sir.'</p> - -<p>'It doesn't matter. We shall have to make it an exterior set instead -of an interior. We can easily corner her on the beach somewhere, when -we're ready. Meanwhile, we must get the kid word-perfect.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Right! First rehearsal for lines and business at eleven sharp tomorrow -morning.'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Poor old Freddie was in such a gloomy frame of mind that I decided -not to tell him the idea till we had finished coaching the child. He -wasn't in the mood to have a thing like that hanging over him. So we -concentrated on Tootles. And pretty early in the proceedings we saw -that the only way to get Tootles<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span> worked up to the spirit of the thing -was to introduce sweets of some sort as a sub-motive, so to speak.</p> - -<p>'The chief difficulty, sir,' said Jeeves, at the end of the first -rehearsal, 'is, as I envisage it, to establish in the young gentleman's -mind a connexion between the words we desire him to say and the -refreshment.'</p> - -<p>'Exactly,' I said. 'Once the blighter has grasped the basic fact that -these two words, clearly spoken, result automatically in chocolate -nougat, we have got a success.'</p> - -<p>I've often thought how interesting it must be to be one of those -animal-trainer blokes—to stimulate the dawning intelligence and all -that. Well, this was every bit as exciting. Some days success seemed to -be staring us in the eyeball, and the kid got out the line as if he had -been an old professional. And then he would go all to pieces again. And -time was flying.</p> - -<p>'We must hurry up, Jeeves,' I said. 'The kid's uncle may arrive any day -now and take him away.'</p> - -<p>'Exactly, sir.'</p> - -<p>'And we have no understudy.'</p> - -<p>'Very true, sir.'</p> - -<p>'We must work! I must say this child is a bit discouraging at times. I -should have thought a deaf-mute would have learned his part by now.'</p> - -<p>I will say this for the kid, though: he was a trier. Failure didn't -damp him. Whenever there was any kind of sweet in sight he had a dash -at his line, and kept saying something till he had got what he was -after. His chief fault was his uncertainty. Personally, I would have -been prepared to risk opening in the act and was ready to start the -public performance at the first opportunity, but Jeeves said no.</p> - -<p>'I would not advocate undue haste, sir,' he said. 'As long as the young -gentleman's memory refuses to act with any certainty, we are running -grave risks of failure.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span> Today, if you recollect, sir, he said "Kick -Freddie!" That is not a speech to win a young lady's heart, sir.'</p> - -<p>'No. And she might do it, too. You're right. We must postpone -production.'</p> - -<p>But, by Jove, we didn't! The curtain went up the very next afternoon.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>It was nobody's fault—certainly not mine. It was just fate. Jeeves was -out, and I was alone in the house with Freddie and the child. Freddie -had just settled down at the piano, and I was leading the kid out of -the place for a bit of exercise, when, just as we'd got on to the -veranda, along came the girl Elizabeth on her way to the beach. And at -the sight of her the kid set up a matey yell, and she stopped at the -foot of the steps.</p> - -<p>'Hallo, baby,' she said. 'Good morning,' she said to me. 'May I come -up?'</p> - -<p>She didn't wait for an answer. She just hopped on to the veranda. She -seemed to be that sort of girl. She started fussing over the child. And -six feet away, mind you, Freddie smiting the piano in the sitting-room. -It was a dashed disturbing situation, take it from Bertram. At any -minute Freddie might take it into his head to come out on the veranda, -and I hadn't even begun to rehearse him in his part.</p> - -<p>I tried to break up the scene.</p> - -<p>'We were just going down to the beach,' I said.</p> - -<p>'Yes?' said the girl. She listened for a moment. 'So you're having your -piano tuned?' she said. 'My aunt has been trying to find a tuner for -ours. Do you mind if I go in and tell this man to come on to us when he -has finished here?'</p> - -<p>I mopped the brow.</p> - -<p>'Er—I shouldn't go in just now,' I said. 'Not just now, while he's -working, if you don't mind. These fellows can't bear to be disturbed -when they're at work. It's the artistic temperament. I'll tell him -later.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Very well. Ask him to call at Pine Bungalow. Vickers is the name.... -Oh, he seems to have stopped. I suppose he will be out in a minute now. -I'll wait.'</p> - -<p>'Don't you think—shouldn't you be getting on to the beach?' I said.</p> - -<p>She had started talking to the kid and didn't hear. She was feeling in -her bag for something.</p> - -<p>'The beach,' I babbled.</p> - -<p>'See what I've got for you, baby,' said the girl. 'I thought I might -meet you somewhere, so I bought some of your favourite sweets.'</p> - -<p>And, by Jove, she held up in front of the kid's bulging eyes, a chunk -of toffee about the size of the Albert Memorial!</p> - -<p>That finished it. We had just been having a long rehearsal, and the kid -was all worked up in his part. He got it right first time.</p> - -<p>'Kiss Fweddie!' he shouted.</p> - -<p>And the French windows opened and Freddie came out on to the veranda, -for all the world as if he had been taking a cue.</p> - -<p>'Kiss Fweddie!' shrieked the child.</p> - -<p>Freddie looked at the girl, and the girl looked at him. I looked at the -ground, and the kid looked at the toffee.</p> - -<p>'Kiss Fweddie!' he yelled. 'Kiss Fweddie!'</p> - -<p>'What does this mean?' said the girl, turning on me.</p> - -<p>'You'd better give it him,' I said. 'He'll go on till you do, you know.'</p> - -<p>She gave the kid the toffee and he subsided. Freddie, poor ass, still -stood there gaping, without a word.</p> - -<p>'What does it mean?' said the girl again. Her face was pink, and her -eyes were sparkling in the sort of way, don't you know, that makes a -fellow feel as if he hadn't any bones in him, if you know what I mean. -Yes, Bertram felt filleted. Did you ever tread on your partner's dress -at a dance—I'm speaking now of the days when women wore dresses long -enough to be trodden<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span> on—and hear it rip and see her smile at you like -an angel and say, '<i>Please</i> don't apologize. It's nothing,' and then -suddenly meet her clear blue eyes and feel as if you had stepped on the -teeth of a rake and had the handle jump up and hit you in the face? -Well, that's how Freddie's Elizabeth looked.</p> - -<p>'<i>Well!</i>' she said, and her teeth gave a little click.</p> - -<p>I gulped. Then I said it was nothing. Then I said it was nothing much. -Then I said, 'Oh, well, it was this way.' And I told her all about it. -And all the while Idiot Freddie stood there gaping, without a word. Not -one solitary yip had he let out of himself from the start.</p> - -<p>And the girl didn't speak, either. She just stood listening.</p> - -<p>And then she began to laugh. I never heard a girl laugh so much. She -leaned against the side of the veranda and shrieked. And all the while -Freddie, the World's Champion Dumb Brick, standing there, saying -nothing.</p> - -<p>Well, I finished my story and sidled to the steps. I had said all I -had to say, and it seemed to me that about here the stage-direction -'exit cautiously' was written in my part. I gave poor old Freddie up in -despair. If only he had said a word it might have been all right. But -there he stood speechless.</p> - -<p>Just out of sight of the house I met Jeeves, returning from his stroll.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, 'all is over. The thing's finished. Poor dear old -Freddie has made a complete ass of himself and killed the whole show.'</p> - -<p>'Indeed, sir? What has actually happened?'</p> - -<p>I told him.</p> - -<p>'He fluffed in his lines,' I concluded. 'Just stood there saying -nothing, when if ever there was a time for eloquence, this was it. -He ... Great Scott! Look!'</p> - -<p>We had come back within view of the cottage, and there in front of it -stood six children, a nurse, two loafers, another nurse, and the fellow -from the grocer's.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span> They were all staring. Down the road came galloping -five more children, a dog, three men and a boy, all about to stare. -And on our porch, as unconscious of the spectators as if they had been -alone in the Sahara, stood Freddie and his Elizabeth, clasped in each -other's arms.</p> - -<p>'Great Scott!' I said.</p> - -<p>'It would appear, sir,' said Jeeves, 'that everything has concluded -most satisfactorily, after all.'</p> - -<p>'Yes. Dear old Freddie may have been fluffy in his lines,' I said, 'but -his business certainly seems to have gone with a bang.'</p> - -<p>'Very true, sir,' said Jeeves.</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h3><a name="c9_Clustering_Round_Young_Bingo" id="c9_Clustering_Round_Young_Bingo">9—Clustering Round Young Bingo</a></h3> - - -<p>I blotted the last page of my manuscript and sank back, feeling more or -less of a spent force. After incredible sweat of the old brow the thing -seemed to be in pretty fair shape, and I was just reading it through -and debating whether to bung in another paragraph at the end, when -there was a tap at the door and Jeeves appeared.</p> - -<p>'Mrs Travers, sir, on the telephone.'</p> - -<p>'Oh?' I said. Preoccupied, don't you know.</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir. She presents her compliments and would be glad to know what -progress you have made with the article which you are writing for her.'</p> - -<p>'Jeeves, can I mention men's knee-length underclothing in a woman's -paper?'</p> - -<p>'No, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Then tell her it's finished.'</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir.'</p> - -<p>'And, Jeeves, when you're through, come back. I want you to cast your -eye over this effort and give it the OK.'</p> - -<p>My Aunt Dahlia, who runs a woman's paper called <i>Milady's Boudoir</i>, had -recently backed me into a corner and made me promise to write her a -few authoritative words for her 'Husbands and Brothers' page on 'What -the Well-Dressed Man is Wearing'. I believe in encouraging aunts, when -deserving; and, as there are many worse eggs than her knocking about -the metrop, I had consented blithely. But I give you my honest word -that if I had had the foggiest notion of what I was letting myself in -for, not even a nephew's devotion would have kept me from giving her -the raspberry. A deuce of a job it had been, taxing the physique to -the utmost. I don't<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span> wonder now that all these author blokes have bald -heads and faces like birds who have suffered.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, when he came back, 'you don't read a paper called -<i>Milady's Boudoir</i> by any chance, do you?'</p> - -<p>'No, sir. The periodical has not come to my notice.'</p> - -<p>'Well, spring sixpence on it next week, because this article will -appear in it. Wooster on the well-dressed man, don't you know.'</p> - -<p>'Indeed, sir?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, indeed, Jeeves. I've rather extended myself over this little -bijou. There's a bit about socks that I think you will like.'</p> - -<p>He took the manuscript, brooded over it, and smiled a gentle, approving -smile.</p> - -<p>'The sock passage is quite in the proper vein, sir,' he said.</p> - -<p>'Well expressed, what?'</p> - -<p>'Extremely, sir.'</p> - -<p>I watched him narrowly as he read on, and, as I was expecting, what -you might call the love-light suddenly died out of his eyes. I braced -myself for an unpleasant scene.</p> - -<p>'Come to the bit about soft silk shirts for evening wear?' I asked -carelessly.</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir,' said Jeeves, in a low, cold voice, as if he had been bitten -in the leg by a personal friend. 'And if I may be pardoned for saying -so—'</p> - -<p>'You don't like it?'</p> - -<p>'No, sir. I do not. Soft silk shirts with evening costume are not worn, -sir.'</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, looking the blighter diametrically in the centre of -the eyeball, 'they're dashed well going to be. I may as well tell you -now that I have ordered a dozen of those shirtings from Peabody and -Simms, and it's no good looking like that, because I am jolly well -adamant.'</p> - -<p>'If I might—'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span></p> - -<p>'No, Jeeves,' I said, raising my hand, 'argument is useless. Nobody has -a greater respect than I have for your judgement in socks, in ties, -and—I will go farther—in spats; but when it comes to evening shirts -your nerve seems to fail you. You have no vision. You are prejudiced -and reactionary. Hidebound is the word that suggests itself. It may -interest you to learn that when I was at Le Touquet the Prince of Wales -buzzed into the Casino one night with soft silk shirt complete.'</p> - -<p>'His Royal Highness, sir, may permit himself a certain licence which in -your own case—'</p> - -<p>'No, Jeeves,' I said firmly, 'it's no use. When we Woosters are -adamant, we are—well, adamant, if you know what I mean.'</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir.'</p> - -<p>I could see the man was wounded, and, of course, the whole episode had -been extremely jarring and unpleasant; but these things have to be gone -through. Is one a serf or isn't one? That's what it all boils down to. -Having made my point, I changed the subject.</p> - -<p>'Well, that's that,' I said. 'We now approach another topic. Do you -know any housemaids, Jeeves?'</p> - -<p>'Housemaids, sir?'</p> - -<p>'Come, come, Jeeves, you know what housemaids are.'</p> - -<p>'Are you requiring a housemaid, sir?'</p> - -<p>'No, but Mr Little is. I met him at the club a couple of days ago, and -he told me that Mrs Little is offering rich rewards to anybody who will -find her one guaranteed to go light on the china.'</p> - -<p>'Indeed, sir?'</p> - -<p>'Yes. The one now in office apparently runs through the <i>objets d'art</i> -like a typhoon, simoom, or sirocco. So if you know any—'</p> - -<p>'I know a great many, sir. Some intimately, others mere acquaintances.'</p> - -<p>'Well, start digging round among the old pals. And<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span> now the hat, the -stick, and other necessaries. I must be getting along and handing in -this article.'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The offices of <i>Milady's Boudoir</i> were in one of those rummy streets in -the Covent Garden neighbourhood; and I had just got to the door, after -wading through a deep top-dressing of old cabbages and tomatoes, when -who should come out but Mrs Little. She greeted me with the warmth due -to the old family friend, in spite of the fact that I hadn't been round -to the house for a goodish while.</p> - -<p>'Whatever are you doing in these parts, Bertie? I thought you never -came east of Leicester Square.'</p> - -<p>'I've come to deliver an article of sorts which my Aunt Dahlia asked -me to write. She edits a species of journal up those stairs. <i>Milady's -Boudoir</i>.'</p> - -<p>'What a coincidence! I have just promised to write an article for her, -too.'</p> - -<p>'Don't you do it,' I said earnestly. 'You've simply no notion what a -ghastly labour—Oh, but, of course, I was forgetting. You're used to -it, what?'</p> - -<p>Silly of me to have talked like that. Young Bingo Little, if you -remember, had married the famous female novelist, Rosie M. Banks, -author of some of the most pronounced and widely read tripe ever put on -the market. Naturally a mere article would be pie for her.</p> - -<p>'No, I don't think it will give me much trouble,' she said. 'Your aunt -has suggested a most delightful subject.'</p> - -<p>'That's good. By the way, I spoke to my man Jeeves about getting you a -housemaid. He knows all the hummers.'</p> - -<p>'Thank you so much. Oh, are you doing anything tomorrow night?'</p> - -<p>'Not a thing.'</p> - -<p>'Then do come and dine with us. Your aunt is coming, and hopes to bring -your uncle. I am looking forward to meeting him.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Thanks. Delighted.'</p> - -<p>I mean it, too. The Little household may be weak on housemaids, but it -is right there when it comes to cooks. Somewhere or other some time ago -Bingo's missus managed to dig up a Frenchman of the most extraordinary -vim and skill. A most amazing Johnnie who dishes a wicked <i>ragout</i>. -Old Bingo has put on at least ten pounds in weight since this fellow -Anatole arrived in the home.</p> - -<p>'At eight, then.'</p> - -<p>'Right. Thanks ever so much.'</p> - -<p>She popped off, and I went upstairs to hand in my copy, as we boys of -the Press call it. I found Aunt Dahlia immersed to the gills in papers -of all descriptions.</p> - -<p>I am not much of a lad for my relatives as a general thing, but -I've always been very pally with Aunt Dahlia. She married my Uncle -Thomas—between ourselves a bit of a squirt—the year Bluebottle won -the Cambridgeshire; and they hadn't got half way down the aisle before -I was saying to myself, 'That woman is much too good for the old bird.' -Aunt Dahlia is a large, genial soul, the sort you see in dozens on the -hunting field. As a matter of fact, until she married Uncle Thomas, she -put in most of her time on horseback; but he won't live in the country, -so nowadays she expends her energy on this paper of hers.</p> - -<p>She came to the surface as I entered, and flung a cheery look at my -head.</p> - -<p>'Hullo, Bertie! I say, have you really finished that article?'</p> - -<p>'To the last comma.'</p> - -<p>'Good boy! My gosh, I'll bet it's rotten.'</p> - -<p>'On the contrary, it is extremely hot stuff, and most of it approved by -Jeeves, what's more. The bit about soft silk shirts got in amongst him -a trifle; but you can take it from me, Aunt Dahlia, that they are the -latest yodel<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span> and will be much seen at first nights and other occasions -where Society assembles.'</p> - -<p>'Your man Jeeves,' said Aunt Dahlia, flinging the article into a basket -and skewering a few loose pieces of paper on a sort of meat hook, 'is a -washout, and you can tell him I said so.'</p> - -<p>'Oh, come,' I said. 'He may not be sound on shirtings—'</p> - -<p>'I'm not referring to that. As long as a week ago I asked him to get me -a cook, and he hasn't found one yet.'</p> - -<p>'Great Scott! Is Jeeves a domestic employment agency? Mrs Little wants -him to find her a housemaid. I met her outside. She tells me she's -doing something for you.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, thank goodness. I'm relying on it to bump the circulation up a -bit. I can't read her stuff myself, but women love it. Her name on the -cover will mean a lot. And we need it.'</p> - -<p>'Paper not doing well?'</p> - -<p>'It's doing all right really, but it's got to be a slow job building up -a circulation.'</p> - -<p>'I suppose so.'</p> - -<p>'I can get Tom to see that in his lucid moments,' said Aunt Dahlia, -skewering a few more papers. 'But just at present the poor fathead has -got one of his pessimistic spells. It's entirely due to that mechanic -who calls herself a cook. A few more of her alleged dinners, and Tom -will refuse to go on paying the printers' bills.'</p> - -<p>'You don't mean that!'</p> - -<p>'I do mean it. There was what she called a <i>ris de veau à la -financière</i> last night which made him talk for three-quarters of an -hour about good money going to waste and nothing to show for it.'</p> - -<p>I quite understood, and I was dashed sorry for her. My Uncle Thomas -is a cove who made a colossal pile of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span> money out in the East, but in -doing so put his digestion on the blink. This has made him a tricky -proposition to handle. Many a time I've lunched with him and found him -perfectly chirpy up to the fish, only to have him turn blue on me well -before the cheese.</p> - -<p>Who was that lad they used to try to make me read at Oxford? -Ship—Shop—Schopenhauer. That's the name. A grouch of the most -pronounced description. Well, Uncle Thomas, when his gastric juices -have been giving him the elbow, can make Schopenhauer look like -Pollyanna. And the worst of it is, from Aunt Dahlia's point of view, -that on these occasions he always seems to think he's on the brink of -ruin and wants to start to economize.</p> - -<p>'Pretty tough,' I said. 'Well, anyway, he'll get one good dinner -tomorrow night at the Littles'.'</p> - -<p>'Can you guarantee that, Bertie?' asked Aunt Dahlia earnestly. 'I -simply daren't risk unleashing him on anything at all wonky.'</p> - -<p>'They've got a marvellous cook. I haven't been round there for some -time, but unless he's lost his form of two months ago Uncle Thomas is -going to have the treat of a lifetime.'</p> - -<p>'It'll only make it all the worse for him, coming back to our -steak-incinerator,' said Aunt Dahlia, a bit on the Schopenhauer side -herself.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The little nest where Bingo and his bride had settled themselves was -up in St John's Wood; one of those rather jolly houses with a bit of -garden. When I got there on the following night, I found that I was -the last to weigh in. Aunt Dahlia was chatting with Rosie in a corner, -while Uncle Thomas, standing by the mantelpiece with Bingo, sucked down -a cocktail in a frowning, suspicious sort of manner, rather like a -chappie having a short snort before dining with the Borgias: as if he -were saying to himself that, even if this particular cocktail wasn't -poisoned, he was bound to cop it later on.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span></p> - -<p>Well, I hadn't expected anything in the nature of beaming <i>joie de -vivre</i> from Uncle Thomas, so I didn't pay much attention to him. What -did surprise me was the extraordinary gloom of young Bingo. You may say -what you like against Bingo, but nobody has ever found him a depressing -host. Why, many a time in the days of his bachelorhood I've known him -to start throwing bread before the soup course. Yet now he and Uncle -Thomas were a pair. He looked haggard and careworn, like a Borgia who -has suddenly remembered that he has forgotten to shove cyanide in the -<i>consommé</i>, and the dinner gong due any moment.</p> - -<p>And the mystery wasn't helped at all by the one remark he made to me -before conversation became general. As he poured out my cocktail, he -suddenly bent forward.</p> - -<p>'Bertie,' he whispered, in a nasty, feverish manner, 'I want to see -you. Life and death matter. Be in tomorrow morning.'</p> - -<p>That was all. Immediately after that the starting-gun went and we -toddled down to the festive. And from that moment, I'm bound to say, -in the superior interests of the proceedings he rather faded out of -my mind. For good old Anatole, braced presumably by the fact of there -being guests, had absolutely surpassed himself.</p> - -<p>I am not a man who speaks hastily in these matters. I weigh my words. -And I say again that Anatole had surpassed himself. It was as good a -dinner as I have ever absorbed, and it revived Uncle Thomas like a -watered flower. As we sat down he was saying some things about the -Government which they wouldn't have cared to hear. With the <i>consommé -pâté d'Italie</i> he said but what could you expect nowadays? With the -<i>paupiettes de sole à la princesse</i> he admitted rather decently that -the Government couldn't be held responsible for the rotten weather, -anyway. And shortly after the <i>caneton Aylesbury à la broche</i> he was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span> -practically giving the lads the benefit of his whole-hearted support.</p> - -<p>And all the time young Bingo looking like an owl with a secret sorrow. -Rummy!</p> - -<p>I thought about it a good deal as I walked home, and I was hoping he -wouldn't roll round with his hard-luck story too early in the morning. -He had the air of one who intends to charge in at about six-thirty.</p> - -<p>Jeeves was waiting up for me when I got back.</p> - -<p>'A pleasant dinner, sir?' he said.</p> - -<p>'Magnificent, Jeeves.'</p> - -<p>'I am glad to hear that, sir. Mr George Travers rang up on the -telephone shortly after you had left. He was extremely desirous that -you should join him at Harrogate, sir. He leaves for that town by an -early train tomorrow.'</p> - -<p>My Uncle George is a festive old bird who has made a habit for years -of doing himself a dashed sight too well, with the result that he's -always got Harrogate or Buxton hanging over him like the sword of -what's-his-name. And he hates going there alone.</p> - -<p>'It can't be done,' I said. Uncle George is bad enough in London, and -I wasn't going to let myself be cooped up with him in one of these -cure-places.</p> - -<p>'He was extremely urgent, sir.'</p> - -<p>'No, Jeeves,' I said firmly. 'I am always anxious to oblige, but Uncle -George—no, no! I mean to say, what?'</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir,' said Jeeves.</p> - -<p>It was a pleasure to hear the way he said it. Docile the man was -becoming, absolutely docile. It just showed that I had been right in -putting my foot down about those shirts.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>When Bingo showed up next morning I had had breakfast and was all ready -for him. Jeeves shot him into the presence, and he sat down on the bed.</p> - -<p>'Good morning, Bertie,' said young Bingo.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Good morning, old thing,' I replied courteously.</p> - -<p>'Don't go, Jeeves,' said young Bingo hollowly. 'Wait.'</p> - -<p>'Sir?'</p> - -<p>'Remain. Stay. Cluster round. I shall need you.'</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir.'</p> - -<p>Bingo lit a cigarette and frowned bleakly at the wallpaper.</p> - -<p>'Bertie,' he said, 'the most frightful calamity has occurred. Unless -something is done, and done right speedily, my social prestige is -doomed, my self-respect will be obliterated, my name will be mud, and I -shall not dare to show my face in the West End of London again.'</p> - -<p>'My aunt!' I cried, deeply impressed.</p> - -<p>'Exactly,' said young Bingo, with a hollow laugh. 'You have put it in a -nutshell. The whole trouble is due to your blasted aunt.'</p> - -<p>'Which blasted aunt? Specify, old thing. I have so many.'</p> - -<p>'Mrs Travers. The one who runs that infernal paper.'</p> - -<p>'Oh, no, dash it, old man,' I protested. 'She's the only decent aunt -I've got. Jeeves, you will bear me out in this?'</p> - -<p>'Such has always been my impression, I must confess, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Well, get rid of it, then,' said young Bingo. 'The woman is a menace -to society, a home-wrecker, and a pest. Do you know what's she's done? -She's got Rosie to write an article for that rag of hers.'</p> - -<p>'I know that.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, but you don't know what it's about.'</p> - -<p>'No. She only told me Aunt Dahlia had given her a splendid idea for the -thing.'</p> - -<p>'It's about me!'</p> - -<p>'You?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, me! Me! And do you know what it's called? It is called "How I -Keep the Love of My Husband-Baby".'</p> - -<p>'My what?'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Husband-baby!'</p> - -<p>'What's a husband-baby?'</p> - -<p>'I am, apparently,' said young Bingo, with much bitterness. 'I am also, -according to this article, a lot of other things which I have too -much sense of decency to repeat even to an old friend. This beastly -composition, in short, is one of those things they call "human interest -stories"; one of those intimate revelations of married life over which -the female public loves to gloat; all about Rosie and me and what -she does when I come home cross, and so on. I tell you, Bertie, I am -still blushing all over at the recollection of something she says in -paragraph two.'</p> - -<p>'What?'</p> - -<p>'I decline to tell you. But you can take it from me that it's the edge. -Nobody could be fonder of Rosie than I am, but—dear, sensible girl as -she is in ordinary life—the moment she gets in front of a dictating -machine she becomes absolutely maudlin. Bertie, that article must not -appear!'</p> - -<p>'But—'</p> - -<p>'If it does I shall have to resign from my clubs, grow a beard, and -become a hermit. I shall not be able to face the world.'</p> - -<p>'Aren't you pitching it a bit strong, old lad?' I said. 'Jeeves, don't -you think he's pitching it a bit strong?'</p> - -<p>'Well, sir—'</p> - -<p>'I am pitching it feebly,' said young Bingo earnestly. 'You haven't -heard the thing. I have. Rosie shoved the cylinder on the dictating -machine last night before dinner, and it was grisly to hear the -instrument croaking out those awful sentences. If that article appears -I shall be kidded to death by every pal I've got. Bertie,' he said, his -voice sinking to a hoarse whisper, 'you have about as much imagination -as a warthog, but surely even you can picture to yourself what Jimmy -Bowles and Tuppy Rogers, to name only two, will say when they<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span> see me -referred to in print as "half god, half prattling, mischievous child"?'</p> - -<p>I jolly well could.</p> - -<p>'She doesn't say that?' I gasped.</p> - -<p>'She certainly does. And when I tell you that I selected that -particular quotation because it's about the only one I can stand -hearing spoken, you will realize what I'm up against.'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I picked at the coverlet. I had been a pal of Bingo's for many years, -and we Woosters stand by our pals.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, 'you have heard?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>'The position is serious.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>'We must cluster round.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Does anything suggest itself to you?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>'What! You don't really mean that?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Bingo,' I said, 'the sun is still shining. Something suggests itself -to Jeeves.'</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' said young Bingo in a quivering voice, 'if you see me through -this fearful crisis, ask of me what you will even unto half my kingdom.'</p> - -<p>'The matter,' said Jeeves, 'fits in very nicely, sir, with another -mission which was entrusted to me this morning.'</p> - -<p>'What do you mean?'</p> - -<p>'Mrs Travers rang me up on the telephone shortly before I brought you -your tea, sir, and was most urgent that I should endeavour to persuade -Mr Little's cook to leave Mr Little's service and join her staff. It -appears that Mr Travers was fascinated by the man's ability, sir, and -talked far into the night of his astonishing gifts.'</p> - -<p>Young Bingo uttered a frightful cry of agony.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span></p> - -<p>'What! Is that—that buzzard trying to pinch our cook?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>'After eating our bread and salt, dammit?'</p> - -<p>'I fear, sir,' sighed Jeeves, 'that when it comes to a matter of cooks, -ladies have but a rudimentary sense of morality.'</p> - -<p>'Half a second, Bingo,' I said, as the fellow seemed about to plunge -into something of an oration. 'How does this fit in with the other -thing, Jeeves?'</p> - -<p>'Well, sir, it has been my experience that no lady can ever forgive -another lady for taking a really good cook away from her. I am -convinced that, if I am able to accomplish the mission which Mrs -Travers entrusted to me, an instant breach of cordial relations must -inevitably ensue. Mrs Little will, I feel certain, be so aggrieved with -Mrs Travers that she will decline to contribute to her paper. We shall -therefore not only bring happiness to Mr Travers, but also suppress -the article. Thus killing two birds with one stone, if I may use the -expression, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Certainly you may use the expression, Jeeves,' I said cordially. 'And -I may add that in my opinion this is one of your best and ripest.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, but I say, you know,' bleated young Bingo. 'I mean to say—old -Anatole, I mean—what I'm driving at is that he's a cook in a million.'</p> - -<p>'You poor chump, if he wasn't there would be no point in the scheme.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, but what I mean—I shall miss him, you know. Miss him fearfully.'</p> - -<p>'Good heavens!' I cried. 'Don't tell me that you are thinking of your -tummy in a crisis like this?'</p> - -<p>Bingo sighed heavily.</p> - -<p>'Oh, all right,' he said. 'I suppose it's a case of the surgeon's -knife. All right, Jeeves, you may carry on. Yes, carry on, Jeeves. Yes, -yes, Jeeves, carry on. I'll look in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span> tomorrow morning and hear what you -have to report.'</p> - -<p>And with bowed head young Bingo biffed off.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>He was bright and early next morning. In fact, he turned up at such an -indecent hour that Jeeves very properly refused to allow him to break -in on my slumbers.</p> - -<p>By the time I was awake and receiving, he and Jeeves had had a -heart-to-heart chat in the kitchen; and when Bingo eventually crept -into my room I could see by the look on his face that something had -gone wrong.</p> - -<p>'It's all off,' he said, slumping down on the bed.</p> - -<p>'Off?'</p> - -<p>'Yes; that cook-pinching business. Jeeves tells me he saw Anatole last -night, and Anatole refused to leave.'</p> - -<p>'But surely Aunt Dahlia had the sense to offer him more than he was -getting with you?'</p> - -<p>'The sky was the limit, as far as she was concerned. Nevertheless, he -refused to skid. It seems he's in love with our parlourmaid.'</p> - -<p>'But you haven't got a parlourmaid.'</p> - -<p>'We have got a parlourmaid.'</p> - -<p>'I've never seen her. A sort of bloke who looked like a provincial -undertaker waited at table the night before last.'</p> - -<p>'That was the local greengrocer, who comes to help out when desired. -The parlourmaid is away on her holiday—or was till last night. She -returned about ten minutes before Jeeves made his call, and Anatole, I -take it, was in such a state of elation and devotion and what-not on -seeing her again that the contents of the Mint wouldn't have bribed him -to part from her.'</p> - -<p>'But look here, Bingo,' I said, 'this is all rot. I see the solution -right off. I'm surprised that a bloke of Jeeves's mentality overlooked -it. Aunt Dahlia must engage the parlourmaid as well as Anatole. Then -they won't be parted.'</p> - -<p>'I thought of that, too. Naturally.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span></p> - -<p>'I bet you didn't.'</p> - -<p>'I certainly did.'</p> - -<p>'Well, what's wrong with the scheme?'</p> - -<p>'It can't be worked. If your aunt engaged our parlourmaid she would -have to sack her own, wouldn't she?'</p> - -<p>'Well?'</p> - -<p>'Well, if she sacks her parlourmaid, it will mean that the chauffeur -will quit. He's in love with her.'</p> - -<p>'With my aunt?'</p> - -<p>'No, with the parlourmaid. And apparently he's the only chauffeur your -uncle has ever found who drives carefully enough for him.'</p> - -<p>I gave it up. I had never imagined before that life below stairs was so -frightfully mixed up with what these coves call the sex complex. The -personnel of domestic staffs seemed to pair off like characters in a -musical comedy.</p> - -<p>'Oh!' I said. 'Well, that being so, we do seem to be more or less -stymied. That article will have to appear after all, what?'</p> - -<p>'No, it won't.'</p> - -<p>'Has Jeeves thought of another scheme?'</p> - -<p>'No, but I have.' Bingo bent forward and patted my knee affectionately. -'Look here, Bertie,' he said, 'you and I were at school together. -You'll admit that?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, but—'</p> - -<p>'And you're a fellow who never lets a pal down. That's well known, -isn't it?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, but listen—'</p> - -<p>'You'll cluster round. Of course you will. As if,' said Bingo with a -scornful laugh, 'I ever doubted it! You won't let an old school-friend -down in his hour of need. Not you. Not Bertie Wooster. No, no!'</p> - -<p>'Yes, but just one moment. What is this scheme of yours?'</p> - -<p>Bingo massaged my shoulder soothingly.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span></p> - -<p>'It's something right in your line, Bertie, old man; something that'll -come as easy as pie to you. As a matter of fact, you've done very much -the same thing before—that time you were telling me about when you -pinched your uncle's Memoirs at Easeby. I suddenly remembered that, and -it gave me the idea. It's—'</p> - -<p>'Here! Listen!'</p> - -<p>'It's all settled, Bertie. Nothing for you to worry about. Nothing -whatever. I see now that we made a big mistake in ever trying to tackle -this job in Jeeves's silly, roundabout way. Much better to charge -straight ahead without any of that finesse and fooling about. And so—'</p> - -<p>'Yes, but listen—'</p> - -<p>'And so this afternoon I'm going to take Rosie to a matinee. I shall -leave the window of her study open, and when we have got well away you -will climb in, pinch the cylinder and pop off again. It's absurdly -simple—'</p> - -<p>'Yes, but half a second—'</p> - -<p>'I know what you are going to say,' said Bingo, raising his hand. 'How -are you to find the cylinder? That's what is bothering you, isn't it? -Well, it will be quite easy. Not a chance of a mistake. The thing is -in the top left-hand drawer of the desk, and the drawer will be left -unlocked because Rosie's stenographer is to come round at four o'clock -and type the article.'</p> - -<p>'Now listen, Bingo,' I said. 'I'm frightfully sorry for you and all -that, but I must firmly draw the line at burglary.'</p> - -<p>'But, dash it, I'm only asking you to do what you did at Easeby.'</p> - -<p>'No, you aren't. I was staying at Easeby. It was simply a case of -having to lift a parcel off the hall table. I hadn't got to break into -a house. I'm sorry but I simply will not break into your beastly house -on any consideration whatever.'</p> - -<p>He gazed at me, astonished and hurt. 'Is this Bertie Wooster speaking?' -he said in a low voice.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Yes, it is!'</p> - -<p>'But, Bertie,' he said gently, 'we agreed that you were at school with -me.'</p> - -<p>'I don't care.'</p> - -<p>'At school, Bertie. The dear old school.'</p> - -<p>'I don't care. I will not—'</p> - -<p>'Bertie!'</p> - -<p>'I will not—'</p> - -<p>'Bertie!'</p> - -<p>'No!'</p> - -<p>'Bertie!'</p> - -<p>'Oh, all right,' I said.</p> - -<p>'There,' said young Bingo, patting me on the shoulder, 'spoke the true -Bertram Wooster!'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I don't know if it has ever occurred to you, but to the thoughtful cove -there is something dashed reassuring in all the reports of burglaries -you read in the papers. I mean, if you're keen on Great Britain -maintaining her prestige and all that. I mean, there can't be much -wrong with the morale of a country whose sons go in to such a large -extent for housebreaking, because you can take it from me that the job -requires a nerve of the most cast-iron description. I suppose I was -walking up and down in front of that house for half an hour before I -could bring myself to dash in at the front gate and slide round to the -side where the study window was. And even then I stood for about ten -minutes cowering against the wall and listening for police-whistles.</p> - -<p>Eventually, however, I braced myself up and got to business. The study -was on the ground floor and the window was nice and large, and, what is -more, wide open. I got the old knee over the sill, gave a jerk which -took an inch of skin off my ankle, and hopped down into the room. And -there I was, if you follow me.</p> - -<p>I stood for a moment, listening. Everything seemed to be all right. I -was apparently alone in the world.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span></p> - -<p>In fact, I was so much alone that the atmosphere seemed positively -creepy. You know how it is on these occasions. There was a clock on the -mantelpiece that ticked in a slow, shocked sort of way that was dashed -unpleasant. And over the clock a large portrait stared at me with a -good deal of dislike and suspicion. It was a portrait of somebody's -grandfather. Whether he was Rosie's or Bingo's I didn't know, but he -was certainly a grandfather. In fact, I wouldn't be prepared to swear -that he wasn't a great-grandfather. He was a big, stout old buffer in -a high collar that seemed to hurt his neck, for he had drawn his chin -back a goodish way and was looking down his nose as much as to say, -'You made me put this dam' thing on!'</p> - -<p>Well, it was only a step to the desk, and nothing between me and it but -a brown shaggy rug; so I avoided grandfather's eye and, summoning up -the good old bulldog courage of the Woosters, moved forward and started -to navigate the rug. And I had hardly taken a step when the south-east -corner of it suddenly detached itself from the rest and sat up with a -snuffle.</p> - -<p>Well, I mean to say, to bear yourself fittingly in the face of an -occurrence of this sort you want to be one of those strong, silent, -phlegmatic birds who are ready for anything. This type of bloke, I -imagine, would simply have cocked an eye at the rug, said to himself, -'Ah, a Pekingese dog, and quite a good one, too!' and started at once -to make cordial overtures to the animal in order to win its sympathy -and moral support. I suppose I must be one of the neurotic younger -generation you read about in the papers nowadays, because it was -pretty plain within half a second that I wasn't strong and I wasn't -phlegmatic. This wouldn't have mattered so much, but I wasn't silent -either. In the emotion of the moment I let out a sort of sharp yowl and -leaped about four feet in a north-westerly direction. And there was a -crash that sounded as though somebody had touched off a bomb.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span></p> - -<p>What a female novelist wants with an occasional table in her study -containing a vase, two framed photographs, a saucer, a lacquer box, -and a jar of potpourri, I don't know; but that was what Bingo's Rosie -had, and I caught it squarely with my right hip and knocked it endways. -It seemed to me for a moment as if the whole world had dissolved into -a kind of cataract of glass and china. A few years ago, when I legged -it to America to elude my Aunt Agatha, who was out with her hatchet, I -remember going to Niagara and listening to the Falls. They made much -the same sort of row, but not so loud.</p> - -<p>And at the same instant the dog began to bark.</p> - -<p>It was a small dog—the sort of animal from which you would have -expected a noise like a squeaking slate-pencil; but it was simply -baying. It had retired into a corner, and was leaning against the wall -with bulging eyes; and every two seconds it chucked its head back in a -kind of pained way and let out another terrific bellow.</p> - -<p>Well, I know when I'm licked. I was sorry for Bingo and regretted the -necessity of having to let him down; but the time had come, I felt, to -shift. 'Outside for Bertram!' was the slogan, and I took a running leap -at the window and scrambled through.</p> - -<p>And there on the path, as if they had been waiting for me by -appointment, stood a policeman and a parlourmaid.</p> - -<p>It was an embarrassing moment.</p> - -<p>'Oh—er—there you are!' I said. And there was what you might call a -contemplative silence for a moment.</p> - -<p>'I told you I heard something,' said the parlourmaid.</p> - -<p>The policeman was regarding me in a boiled way.</p> - -<p>'What's all this?' he asked.</p> - -<p>I smiled in a sort of saint-like manner.</p> - -<p>'It's a little hard to explain,' I said.</p> - -<p>'Yes, it is!' said the policeman.</p> - -<p>'I was just—er—just having a look round, you know. Old friend of the -family, you understand.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span></p> - -<p>'How did you get in?'</p> - -<p>'Through the window. Being an old friend of the family, if you follow -me.'</p> - -<p>'Old friend of the family, are you?'</p> - -<p>'Oh, very. Very. Very old. Oh, a very old friend of the family.'</p> - -<p>'I've never seen him before,' said the parlourmaid.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I looked at the girl with positive loathing. How she could have -inspired affection in anyone, even a French cook, beat me. Not that she -was a bad-looking girl, mind you. Not at all. On another and happier -occasion I might even have thought her rather pretty. But now she -seemed one of the most unpleasant females I had ever encountered.</p> - -<p>'No,' I said. 'You have never seen me before. But I'm an old friend of -the family.'</p> - -<p>'Then why didn't you ring at the front door?'</p> - -<p>'I didn't want to give any trouble.'</p> - -<p>'It's no trouble answering front doors, that being what you're paid -for,' said the parlourmaid virtuously. 'I've never seen him before in -my life,' she added, perfectly gratuitously. A horrid girl.</p> - -<p>'Well, look here,' I said, with an inspiration, 'the undertaker knows -me.'</p> - -<p>'What undertaker?'</p> - -<p>'The cove who was waiting at table when I dined here the night before -last.'</p> - -<p>'Did the undertaker wait at table on the sixteenth instant?' asked the -policeman.</p> - -<p>'Of course he didn't,' said the parlourmaid.</p> - -<p>'Well, he looked like—By Jove, no. I remember now. He was the -greengrocer.'</p> - -<p>'On the sixteenth instant,' said the policeman—pompous ass!—'did the -greengrocer—?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, he did, if you want to know,' said the parlourmaid. She seemed -disappointed and baffled, like a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span> tigress that sees its prey being -sneaked away from it. Then she brightened. 'But this fellow could -easily have found that out by asking round about.'</p> - -<p>A perfectly poisonous girl.</p> - -<p>'What's your name?' asked the policeman.</p> - -<p>'Well, I say, do you mind awfully if I don't give my name, because—'</p> - -<p>'Suit yourself. You'll have to tell it to the magistrate.'</p> - -<p>'Oh, no, I say, dash it!'</p> - -<p>'I think you'd better come along.'</p> - -<p>'But I say, really, you know, I am an old friend of the family. Why, by -Jove, now I remember, there's a photograph of me in the drawing-room. -Well, I mean, that shows you!'</p> - -<p>'If there is,' said the policeman.</p> - -<p>'I've never seen it,' said the parlourmaid.</p> - -<p>I absolutely hated this girl.</p> - -<p>'You would have seen it if you had done your dusting more -conscientiously,' I said severely. And I meant it to sting, by Jove!</p> - -<p>'It is not a parlourmaid's place to dust the drawing-room,' she sniffed -haughtily.</p> - -<p>'No,' I said bitterly. 'It seems to be a parlourmaid's place to -lurk about and hang about and—er—waste her time fooling about in -the garden with policemen who ought to be busy about their duties -elsewhere.'</p> - -<p>'It's a parlourmaid's place to open the front door to visitors. Them -that don't come in through windows.'</p> - -<p>I perceived that I was getting the loser's end of the thing. I tried to -be conciliatory.</p> - -<p>'My dear old parlourmaid,' I said, 'don't let us descend to vulgar -wrangling. All I'm driving at is that there is a photograph of me in -the drawing-room, cared for and dusted by whom I know not; and this -photograph will, I think, prove to you that I am an old friend of the -family. I fancy so, officer?'</p> - -<p>'If it's there,' said the man in a grudging way.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Oh, it's there all right. On, yes, it's there.'</p> - -<p>'Well, we'll go to the drawing-room and see.'</p> - -<p>'Spoken like a man, my dear old policeman,' I said.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The drawing-room was on the first floor, and the photograph was on -the table by the fireplace. Only, if you understand me, it wasn't. -What I mean is there was the fireplace, and there was the table by the -fireplace, but, by Jove, not a sign of any photograph of me whatsoever. -A photograph of Bingo, yes. A photograph of Bingo's uncle, Lord -Bittlesham, right. A photograph of Mrs Bingo, three-quarter face, with -a tender smile on her lips, all present and correct. But of anything -resembling Bertram Wooster, not a trace.</p> - -<p>'Ho!' said the policeman.</p> - -<p>'But, dash it, it was there the night before last.'</p> - -<p>'Ho!' he said again. 'Ho! Ho!' As if he were starting a drinking-chorus -in a comic opera, confound him.</p> - -<p>Then I got what amounted to the brain-wave of a lifetime.</p> - -<p>'Who dusts these things?' I said, turning on the parlourmaid.</p> - -<p>'I don't.'</p> - -<p>'I didn't say you did. I said who did.'</p> - -<p>'Mary. The housemaid, of course.'</p> - -<p>'Exactly. As I suspected. As I foresaw. Mary, officer, is notoriously -the worst smasher in London. There have been complaints about her on -all sides. You see what has happened? The wretched girl has broken the -glass of my photograph and, not being willing to come forward and admit -it in an honest, manly way, has taken the thing off and concealed it -somewhere.'</p> - -<p>'Ho!' said the policeman, still working through the drinking-chorus.</p> - -<p>'Well, ask her. Go down and ask her.'</p> - -<p>'You go down and ask her,' said the policeman to the parlourmaid. 'If -it's going to make him any happier.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span></p> - -<p>The parlourmaid left the room, casting a pestilential glance at me over -her shoulder as she went. I'm not sure she didn't say 'Ho!' too. And -then there was a bit of a lull. The policeman took up a position with a -large beefy back against the door, and I wandered to and fro and hither -and yonder.</p> - -<p>'What are you playing at?' demanded the policeman.</p> - -<p>'Just looking round. They may have moved the thing.'</p> - -<p>'Ho!'</p> - -<p>And then there was another bit of a lull. And suddenly I found myself -by the window, and, by Jove, it was six inches open at the bottom. And -the world beyond looked so bright and sunny and—Well, I don't claim -that I am a particularly swift thinker, but once more something seemed -to whisper 'Outside for Bertram!' I slid my finger nonchalantly under -the sash, gave a hefty heave, and up she came. And the next moment I -was in a laurel bush, feeling like the cross which marks the spot where -the accident occurred.</p> - -<p>A large red face appeared in the window. I got up and skipped lightly -to the gate.</p> - -<p>'Hi!' shouted the policeman.</p> - -<p>'Ho!' I replied, and went forth, moving well.</p> - -<p>'This,' I said to myself, as I hailed a passing cab and sank back on -the cushions, 'is the last time I try to do anything for young Bingo!'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>These sentiments I expressed in no guarded language to Jeeves when I -was back in the old flat with my feet on the mantelpiece, pushing down -a soothing whisky-and.</p> - -<p>'Never again, Jeeves!' I said. 'Never again!'</p> - -<p>'Well, sir—'</p> - -<p>'No, never again!'</p> - -<p>'Well, sir—'</p> - -<p>'What do you mean, "Well, sir"? What are you driving at?'</p> - -<p>'Well, sir, Mr Little is an extremely persistent young<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span> gentleman, and -yours, if I may say so, sir, is a yielding and obliging nature—'</p> - -<p>'You don't think that young Bingo would have the immortal rind to try -to get me into some other foul enterprise?'</p> - -<p>'I should say that it was more than probable, sir.'</p> - -<p>I removed the dogs swiftly from the mantelpiece, and jumped up, all of -a twitter.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves, what would you advise?'</p> - -<p>'Well, sir, I think a little change of scene would be judicious.'</p> - -<p>'Do a bolt?'</p> - -<p>'Precisely, sir. If I might suggest it, sir, why not change your mind -and join Mr George Travers at Harrogate?'</p> - -<p>'Oh, I say, Jeeves!'</p> - -<p>'You would be out of what I might describe as the danger zone there, -sir.'</p> - -<p>'Perhaps you're right, Jeeves,' I said thoughtfully. 'Yes, possibly -you're right. How far is Harrogate from London?'</p> - -<p>'Two hundred and six miles, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, I think you're right. Is there a train this afternoon?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir. You could catch it quite easily.'</p> - -<p>'All right, then. Bung a few necessaries in a bag.'</p> - -<p>'I have already done so, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Ho!' I said.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>It's a rummy thing, but when you come down to it Jeeves is always -right. He had tried to cheer me up at the station by saying that I -would not find Harrogate unpleasant, and, by Jove, he was perfectly -correct. What I had overlooked, when examining the project, was the -fact that I should be in the middle of a bevy of blokes who were taking -the cure and I shouldn't be taking it myself. You've no notion what a -dashed cosy, satisfying feeling that gives a fellow.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span></p> - -<p>I mean to say, there was old Uncle George, for instance. The -medicine-man, having given him the once-over, had ordered him to -abstain from all alcoholic liquids, and in addition to tool down the -hill to the Royal Pump-Room each morning at eight-thirty and imbibe -twelve ounces of warm crescent saline and magnesia. It doesn't sound -much, put that way, but I gather from contemporary accounts that it's -practically equivalent to getting outside a couple of little old last -year's eggs beaten up in sea-water. And the thought of Uncle George, -who had oppressed me sorely in my childhood, sucking down that stuff -and having to hop out of bed at eight-fifteen to do so was extremely -grateful and comforting of a morning.</p> - -<p>At four in the afternoon he would toddle down the hill again and repeat -the process, and at night we would dine together and I would loll back -in my chair, sipping my wine, and listen to him telling me what the -stuff had tasted like. In many ways the ideal existence.</p> - -<p>I generally managed to fit it in with my engagements to go down and -watch him tackle his afternoon dose, for we Woosters are as fond of a -laugh as anyone. And it was while I was enjoying the performance in the -middle of the second week that I heard my name spoken. And there was -Aunt Dahlia.</p> - -<p>'Hallo!' I said. 'What are you doing here?'</p> - -<p>'I came down yesterday with Tom.'</p> - -<p>'Is Tom taking the cure?' asked Uncle George, looking up hopefully from -the hell-brew.</p> - -<p>'Yes.'</p> - -<p>'Are you taking the cure?'</p> - -<p>'Yes.'</p> - -<p>'Ah!' said Uncle George, looking happier than I had seen him for days. -He swallowed the last drops, and then, the programme calling for a -brisk walk before his massage, left us.</p> - -<p>'I shouldn't have thought you would have been able to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span> get away from -the paper,' I said. 'I say,' I went on, struck by a pleasing idea. 'It -hasn't bust up, has it?'</p> - -<p>'Bust up? I should say not. A pal of mine is looking after it for me -while I'm here. It's right on its feet now. Tom has given me a couple -of thousand and says there's more if I want it, and I've been able -to buy the serial rights of Lady Bablockhythe's <i>Frank Recollections -of a Long Life</i>. The hottest stuff, Bertie. Certain to double the -circulation and send half the best-known people in London into -hysterics for a year.'</p> - -<p>'Oh!' I said. 'Then you're pretty well fixed, what? I mean, what with -the Frank Recollections and that article of Mrs Little's.'</p> - -<p>Aunt Dahlia was drinking something that smelled like a leak in the -gas-pipe, and I thought for a moment that it was that that made her -twist up her face. But I was wrong.</p> - -<p>'Don't mention that woman to me, Bertie!' she said. 'One of the worst.'</p> - -<p>'But I thought you were rather pally.'</p> - -<p>'No longer. Will you credit it that she positively refuses to let me -have that article—'</p> - -<p>'What!'</p> - -<p>'—purely and simply on account of some fancied grievance she thinks -she has against me because her cook left her and came to me.'</p> - -<p>I couldn't follow this at all.</p> - -<p>'Anatole left her?' I said. 'But what about the parlourmaid?'</p> - -<p>'Pull yourself together, Bertie. You're babbling. What do you mean?'</p> - -<p>'Why, I understood—'</p> - -<p>'I'll bet you never understood anything in your life.' She laid down -her empty glass. 'Well, that's done!' she said with relief. 'Thank -goodness, I'll be able to watch Tom drinking his in a few minutes. -It's the only thing that enables me to bear up. Poor old chap, he does -hate it<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span> so! But I cheer him by telling him it's going to put him in -shape for Anatole's cooking. And that, Bertie, is something worth going -into training for. A master of his art, that man. Sometimes I'm not -altogether surprised that Mrs Little made such a fuss when he went. -But, really, you know, she ought not to mix sentiment with business. -She has no right to refuse to let me have that article just because of -a private difference. Well, she jolly well can't use it anywhere else, -because it was my idea and I have witnesses to prove it. If she tries -to sell it to another paper, I'll sue her. And, talking of sewers, it's -high time Tom was here to drink his sulphur-water.'</p> - -<p>'But look here—'</p> - -<p>'Oh, by the way, Bertie,' said Aunt Dahlia, 'I withdraw any harsh -expressions I may have used about your man Jeeves. A most capable -feller!'</p> - -<p>'Jeeves?'</p> - -<p>'Yes; he attended to the negotiations. And very well he did it, too. -And he hasn't lost by it, you can bet. I saw to that. I'm grateful to -him. Why, if Tom gives up a couple of thousand now, practically without -a murmur, the imagination reels at what he'll do with Anatole cooking -regularly for him. He'll be signing cheques in his sleep.'</p> - -<p>I got up. Aunt Dahlia pleaded with me to stick around and watch Uncle -Tom in action, claiming it to be a sight nobody should miss, but I -couldn't wait. I rushed up the hill, left a farewell note for Uncle -George, and caught the next train for London.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, when I had washed off the stains of travel, 'tell me -frankly all about it. Be as frank as Lady Bablockhythe.'</p> - -<p>'Sir?'</p> - -<p>'Never mind, if you've not heard of her. Tell me how you worked -this binge. The last I heard was that Anatole loved that -parlourmaid—goodness knows why!—so much that he refused to leave her. -Well, then?'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span></p> - -<p>'I was somewhat baffled for a while, I must confess, sir. Then I was -materially assisted by a fortunate discovery.'</p> - -<p>'What was that?'</p> - -<p>'I chanced to be chatting with Mrs Travers's housemaid, sir, and, -remembering that Mrs Little was anxious to obtain a domestic of that -description, I asked her if she would consent to leave Mrs Travers and -go at an advanced wage to Mrs Little. To this she assented, and I saw -Mrs Little and arranged the matter.'</p> - -<p>'Well? What was the fortunate discovery?'</p> - -<p>'That the girl, in a previous situation some little time back, had -been a colleague of Anatole, sir. And Anatole, as is the too frequent -practice of these Frenchmen, had made love to her. In fact, they were, -so I understand it, sir, formally affianced until Anatole disappeared -one morning, leaving no address, and passed out of the poor girl's -life. You will readily appreciate that this discovery simplified -matters considerably. The girl no longer had any affection for Anatole, -but the prospect of being under the same roof with two young persons, -both of whom he had led to assume—'</p> - -<p>'Great Scott! Yes, I see! It was rather like putting in a ferret to -start a rabbit.'</p> - -<p>'The principle was much the same, sir. Anatole was out of the house -and in Mrs Travers's service within half an hour of the receipt of the -information that the young person was about to arrive. A volatile man, -sir. Like so many of these Frenchmen.'</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' I said, 'this is genius of a high order.'</p> - -<p>'It is very good of you to say so, sir.'</p> - -<p>'What did Mr Little say about it?'</p> - -<p>'He appeared gratified, sir.'</p> - -<p>'To go into sordid figures, did he—'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir. Twenty pounds. Having been fortunate in his selections at -Hurst Park on the previous Saturday.'</p> - -<p>'My aunt told me that she—'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Yes, sir. Most generous. Twenty-five pounds.'</p> - -<p>'Good Lord, Jeeves! You've been coining the stuff!'</p> - -<p>'I have added appreciably to my savings, yes, sir. Mrs Little was -good enough to present me with ten pounds for finding her such a -satisfactory housemaid. And then there was Mr Travers—'</p> - -<p>'Uncle Thomas?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir. He also behaved most handsomely, quite independently of Mrs -Travers. Another twenty-five pounds. And Mr George Travers—'</p> - -<p>'Don't tell me that Uncle George gave you something, too! What on earth -for?'</p> - -<p>'Well, really, sir, I do not quite understand myself. But I received a -cheque for ten pounds from him. He seemed to be under the impression -that I had been in some way responsible for your joining him at -Harrogate, sir.'</p> - -<p>I gaped at the fellow.</p> - -<p>'Well, everybody seems to be doing it,' I said, 'so I suppose I had -better make the thing unanimous. Here's a fiver.'</p> - -<p>'Why, thank you, sir. This is extremely—'</p> - -<p>'It won't seem much compared with these vast sums you've been -acquiring.'</p> - -<p>'Oh, I assure you, sir.'</p> - -<p>'And I don't know why I'm giving it to you.'</p> - -<p>'No, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Still, there it is.'</p> - -<p>'Thank you very much, sir.'</p> - -<p>I got up.</p> - -<p>'It's pretty late,' I said, 'but I think I'll dress and go out and have -a bite somewhere. I feel like having a whirl of some kind after two -weeks at Harrogate.'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir. I will unpack your clothes.'</p> - -<p>'Oh, Jeeves,' I said, 'did Peabody and Simms send those soft silk -shirts?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir. I sent them back.'</p> - -<p>'Sent them back!'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Yes, sir.'</p> - -<p>I eyed him for a moment. But I mean to say. I mean, what's the use?</p> - -<p>'Oh, all right,' I said. 'Then lay out one of the gents' stiff-bosomed.'</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir,' said Jeeves.</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h3><a name="c10_Bertie_Changes_his_Mind" id="c10_Bertie_Changes_his_Mind">10—Bertie Changes his Mind</a></h3> - - -<p>It has happened so frequently in the past few years that young fellows -starting in my profession have come to me for a word of advice, that -I have found it convenient now to condense my system into a brief -formula. 'Resource and Tact'—that is my motto. Tact, of course, has -always been with me a <i>sine qua non</i>; while as for resource, I think I -may say that I have usually contrived to show a certain modicum of what -I might call <i>finesse</i> in handling those little <i>contretemps</i> which -inevitably arise from time to time in the daily life of a gentleman's -personal gentleman. I am reminded, by way of an instance, of the -Episode of the School for Young Ladies near Brighton—an affair which, -I think, may be said to have commenced one evening at the moment when I -brought Mr Wooster his whisky and siphon and he addressed me with such -remarkable petulance.</p> - -<p>Not a little moody Mr Wooster had been for some days—far from his -usual bright self. This I had attributed to the natural reaction from -a slight attack of influenza from which he had been suffering; and, of -course, took no notice, merely performing my duties as usual, until on -the evening of which I speak he exhibited this remarkable petulance -when I brought him his whisky and siphon.</p> - -<p>'Oh, dash it, Jeeves!' he said, manifestly overwrought. 'I wish at -least you'd put it on another table for a change.'</p> - -<p>'Sir?' I said.</p> - -<p>'Every night, dash it all,' proceeded Mr Wooster morosely, 'you come in -at exactly the same old time<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span> with the same old tray and put it on the -same old table. I'm fed up, I tell you. It's the bally monotony of it -that makes it all seem so frightfully bally.'</p> - -<p>I confess that his words filled me with a certain apprehension. I had -heard gentlemen in whose employment I have been speak in very much the -same way before, and it had almost invariably meant that they were -contemplating matrimony. It disturbed me, therefore, I am free to -admit, when Mr Wooster addressed me in this fashion. I had no desire -to sever a connexion so pleasant in every respect as his and mine had -been, and my experience is that when the wife comes in at the front -door the valet of bachelor days goes out at the back.</p> - -<p>'It's not your fault, of course,' went on Mr Wooster, regaining a -certain degree of composure. 'I'm not blaming you. But, by Jove, I -mean, you must acknowledge—I mean to say, I've been thinking pretty -deeply these last few days, Jeeves, and I've come to the conclusion -mine is an empty life. I'm lonely, Jeeves.'</p> - -<p>'You have a great many friends, sir.'</p> - -<p>'What's the good of friends?'</p> - -<p>'Emerson,' I reminded him, 'says a friend may well be reckoned the -masterpiece of Nature, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Well, you can tell Emerson from me next time you see him that he's an -ass.'</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir.'</p> - -<p>'What I want—Jeeves, have you seen that play called -I-forget-its-dashed-name?'</p> - -<p>'No, sir.'</p> - -<p>'It's on at the What-d'you-call-it. I went last night. The hero's -a chap who's buzzing along, you know, quite merry and bright, and -suddenly a kid turns up and says she's his daughter. Left over from act -one, you know—absolutely the first he'd heard of it. Well, of course, -there's a bit of a fuss and they say to him "What-ho?" and he says, -"Well, what about it?" and they say, "Well,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span> <i>what</i> about it?" and he -says, "Oh all right, then, if that's the way you feel!" and he takes -the kid and goes off with her out into the world together, you know. -Well, what I'm driving at, Jeeves, is that I envied that chappie. Most -awfully jolly little girl, you know, clinging to him trustingly and -what-not. Something to look after, if you know what I mean. Jeeves, I -wish I had a daughter. I wonder what the procedure is?'</p> - -<p>'Marriage is, I believe, considered the preliminary step, sir.'</p> - -<p>'No, I mean about adopting a kid. You can adopt kids, you know, Jeeves. -But what I want to know is how you start about it.'</p> - -<p>'The process, I should imagine, would be highly complicated and -laborious, sir. It would cut into your spare time.'</p> - -<p>'Well, I'll tell you what I could do, then. My sister will be back from -India next week with her three little girls. I'll give up this flat -and take a house and have them all to live with me. By Jove, Jeeves, -I think that's rather a scheme, what? Prattle of childish voices, eh? -Little feet pattering hither and thither, yes?'</p> - -<p>I concealed my perturbation, but the effort to preserve my <i>sang-froid</i> -tested my powers to the utmost. The course of action outlined by Mr -Wooster meant the finish of our cosy bachelor establishment if it came -into being as a practical proposition; and no doubt some men in my -place would at this juncture have voiced their disapproval. I avoided -this blunder.</p> - -<p>'If you will pardon my saying so, sir,' I suggested, 'I think you -are not quite yourself after your influenza. If I might express the -opinion, what you require is a few days by the sea. Brighton is very -handy, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Are you suggesting that I'm talking through my hat?'</p> - -<p>'By no means, sir. I merely advocate a short stay at Brighton as a -physical recuperative.'</p> - -<p>Mr Wooster considered.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Well, I'm not sure you're not right,' he said at length. 'I <i>am</i> -feeling more or less of an onion. You might shove a few things in a -suit-case and drive me down in the car tomorrow.'</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir.'</p> - -<p>'And when we get back I'll be in the pink and ready to tackle this -pattering-feet wheeze.'</p> - -<p>'Exactly, sir.'</p> - -<p>Well, it was a respite, and I welcomed it. But I began to see that a -crisis had arisen which would require adroit handling. Rarely had I -observed Mr Wooster more set on a thing. Indeed, I could recall no -such exhibition of determination on his part since the time when he -had insisted, against my frank disapproval, on wearing purple socks. -However, I had coped successfully with that outbreak, and I was by -no means unsanguine that I should eventually be able to bring the -present affair to a happy issue. Employers are like horses. They -require managing. Some gentlemen's personal gentlemen have the knack of -managing them, some have not. I, I am happy to say, have no cause for -complaint.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>For myself, I found our stay at Brighton highly enjoyable, and should -have been willing to extend it, but Mr Wooster, still restless, wearied -of the place by the end of two days, and on the third afternoon he -instructed me to pack up and bring the car round to the hotel. We -started back along the London road at about five on a fine summer's -day, and had travelled perhaps two miles when I perceived in the road -before us a young lady, gesticulating with no little animation. I -applied the brake and brought the vehicle to a standstill.</p> - -<p>'What,' inquired Mr Wooster, waking from a reverie, 'is the big thought -at the back of this, Jeeves?'</p> - -<p>'I observed a young lady endeavouring to attract our attention with -signals a little way down the road, sir,' I explained. 'She is now -making her way towards us.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span></p> - -<p>Mr Wooster peered.</p> - -<p>'I see her. I expect she wants a lift, Jeeves.'</p> - -<p>'That was the interpretation which I placed upon her actions, sir.'</p> - -<p>'A jolly-looking kid,' said Mr Wooster. 'I wonder what she's doing, -biffing about the high road.'</p> - -<p>'She has the air to me, sir, of one who has been absenting herself -without leave from her school, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Hallo-allo-allo!' said Mr Wooster, as the child reached us. 'Do you -want a lift?'</p> - -<p>'Oh, I say, can you?' said the child, with marked pleasure.</p> - -<p>'Where do you want to go?'</p> - -<p>'There's a turning to the left about a mile farther on. If you'll put -me down there, I'll walk the rest of the way. I say, thanks awfully. -I've got a nail in my shoe.'</p> - -<p>She climbed in at the back. A red-haired young person with a snub-nose -and an extremely large grin. Her age, I should imagine, would be -about twelve. She let down one of the spare seats, and knelt on it to -facilitate conversation.</p> - -<p>'I'm going to get into a frightful row,' she began. 'Miss Tomlinson -will be perfectly furious.'</p> - -<p>'No, really?' said Mr Wooster.</p> - -<p>'It's a half-holiday, you know, and I sneaked away to Brighton, because -I wanted to go on the pier and put pennies in the slot-machines. I -thought I could get back in time so that nobody would notice I'd gone, -but I got this nail in my shoe, and now there'll be a fearful row. Oh, -well,' she said, with a philosophy which, I confess, I admired, 'it -can't be helped. What's your car? A Sunbeam, isn't it? We've got a -Wolseley at home.'</p> - -<p>Mr Wooster was visibly perturbed. As I have indicated, he was at this -time in a highly malleable frame of mind, tender-hearted to a degree -where the young of the female sex was concerned. Her sad case touched -him deeply.</p> - -<p>'Oh, I say, this is rather rotten,' he observed. 'Isn't<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span> there anything -to be done? I say, Jeeves, don't you think something could be done?'</p> - -<p>'It was not my place to make the suggestion, sir,' I replied, 'but, -as you yourself have brought the matter up, I fancy the trouble is -susceptible of adjustment. I think it would be a legitimate subterfuge -were you to inform the young lady's schoolmistress that you are an old -friend of the young lady's father. In this case you could inform Miss -Tomlinson that you had been passing the school and had seen the young -lady at the gate and taken her for a drive. Miss Tomlinson's chagrin -would no doubt in these circumstances be sensibly diminished if not -altogether dispersed.'</p> - -<p>'Well, you <i>are</i> a sportsman!' observed the young person, with -considerable enthusiasm. And she proceeded to kiss me—in connexion -with which I have only to say that I was sorry she had just been -devouring some sticky species of sweetmeat.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves, you've hit it!' said Mr Wooster. 'A sound, even fruity, -scheme. I say, I suppose I'd better know your name and all that, if I'm -a friend of your father's.'</p> - -<p>'My name's Peggy Mainwaring, thanks awfully,' said the young person. -'And my father's Professor Mainwaring. He's written a lot of books. -You'll be expected to know that.'</p> - -<p>'Author of the well-known series of philosophical treatises, sir,' I -ventured to interject. 'They have a great vogue, though, if the young -lady will pardon my saying so, many of the Professor's opinions strike -me personally as somewhat empirical. Shall I drive on to the school, -sir?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, carry on. I say, Jeeves, it's a rummy thing. Do you know, I've -never been inside a girls' school in my life.'</p> - -<p>'Indeed, sir?'</p> - -<p>'Ought to be a dashed interesting experience, Jeeves, what?'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span></p> - -<p>'I fancy that you may find it so, sir,' I said.</p> - -<p>We drove on a matter of half a mile down a lane, and, directed by -the young person, I turned in at the gates of a house of imposing -dimensions, bringing the car to a halt at the front door. Mr Wooster -and the child entered, and presently a parlourmaid came out.</p> - -<p>'You're to take the car round to the stables, please,' she said.</p> - -<p>'Ah!' I said. 'Then everything is satisfactory, eh? Where has Mr -Wooster gone?'</p> - -<p>'Miss Peggy has taken him off to meet her friends. And cook says she -hopes you'll step round to the kitchen later and have a cup of tea.'</p> - -<p>'Inform her that I shall be delighted. Before I take the car to -the stables, would it be possible for me to have a word with Miss -Tomlinson?'</p> - -<p>A moment later I was following her into the drawing-room.</p> - -<p>Handsome but strong-minded—that was how I summed up Miss Tomlinson at -first glance. In some ways she recalled to my mind Mr Wooster's Aunt -Agatha. She had the same penetrating gaze and that indefinable air of -being reluctant to stand any nonsense.</p> - -<p>'I fear I am possibly taking a liberty, madam,' I began, 'but I -am hoping that you will allow me to say a word with respect to my -employer. I fancy I am correct in supposing that Mr Wooster did not -tell you a great deal about himself?'</p> - -<p>'He told me nothing about himself, except that he was a friend of -Professor Mainwaring.'</p> - -<p>'He did not inform you, then, that he was <i>the</i> Mr Wooster?'</p> - -<p>'<i>The</i> Mr Wooster?'</p> - -<p>'Bertram Wooster, madam.'</p> - -<p>I will say for Mr Wooster that, mentally negligible though he no doubt -is, he has a name that suggests almost infinite possibilities. He -sounds, if I may<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span> elucidate my meaning, like Someone—especially if you -have just been informed that he is an intimate friend of so eminent a -man as Professor Mainwaring. You might not, no doubt, be able to say -offhand whether he was Bertram Wooster the novelist, or Bertram Wooster -the founder of a new school of thought; but you would have an uneasy -feeling that you were exposing your ignorance if you did not give the -impression of familiarity with the name. Miss Tomlinson, as I had -rather foreseen, nodded brightly.</p> - -<p>'Oh, <i>Bertram</i> Wooster!' she said.</p> - -<p>'He is an extremely retiring gentleman, madam, and would be the last to -suggest it himself, but, knowing him as I do, I am sure that he would -take it as a graceful compliment if you were to ask him to address the -young ladies. He is an excellent extempore speaker.'</p> - -<p>'A very good idea,' said Miss Tomlinson decidedly. 'I am very much -obliged to you for suggesting it. I will certainly ask him to talk to -the girls.'</p> - -<p>'And should he make a pretence—through modesty—of not wishing—'</p> - -<p>'I shall insist.'</p> - -<p>'Thank you, madam. I am obliged. You will not mention my share in the -matter? Mr Wooster might think that I had exceeded my duties.'</p> - -<p>I drove round to the stables and halted the car in the yard. As I got -out, I looked at it somewhat intently. It was a good car, and appeared -to be in excellent condition, but somehow I seemed to feel that -something was going to go wrong with it—something serious—something -that would not be able to be put right again for at least a couple of -hours.</p> - -<p>One gets these presentiments.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>It may have been some half-hour later that Mr Wooster came into -the stable-yard as I was leaning against the car enjoying a quiet -cigarette.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span></p> - -<p>'No, don't chuck it away, Jeeves,' he said, as I withdrew the cigarette -from my mouth. 'As a matter of fact, I've come to touch you for a -smoke. Got one to spare?'</p> - -<p>'Only gaspers, I fear, sir.'</p> - -<p>'They'll do,' responded Mr Wooster, with no little eagerness. -I observed that his manner was a trifle fatigued and his eye -somewhat wild. 'It's a rummy thing, Jeeves, I seem to have lost my -cigarette-case. Can't find it anywhere.'</p> - -<p>'I am sorry to hear that, sir. It is not in the car.'</p> - -<p>'No? Must have dropped it somewhere, then.' He drew at his gasper with -relish. 'Jolly creatures, small girls, Jeeves,' he remarked, after a -pause.</p> - -<p>'Extremely so, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Of course, I can imagine some fellows finding them a bit exhausting -in—er—'</p> - -<p>'<i>En masse</i>, sir?'</p> - -<p>'That's the word. A bit exhausting <i>en masse</i>.'</p> - -<p>'I must confess, sir, that that is how they used to strike me. In -my younger day, at the outset of my career, sir, I was at one time -page-boy in a school for young ladies.'</p> - -<p>'No, really? I never knew that before. I say, Jeeves—er—did -the—er—dear little souls <i>giggle</i> much in your day?'</p> - -<p>'Practically without cessation, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Makes a fellow feel a bit of an ass, what? I shouldn't wonder if they -usedn't to stare at you from time to time, too, eh?'</p> - -<p>'At the school where I was employed, sir, the young ladies had a -regular game which they were accustomed to play when a male visitor -arrived. They would stare fixedly at him and giggle, and there was a -small prize for the one who made him blush first.'</p> - -<p>'Oh, no, I say, Jeeves, not really?'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir. They derived great enjoyment from the pastime.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</a></span></p> - -<p>'I'd no idea small girls were such demons.'</p> - -<p>'More deadly than the male, sir.'</p> - -<p>Mr Wooster passed a handkerchief over his brow.</p> - -<p>'Well, we're going to have tea in a few minutes, Jeeves. I expect I -shall feel better after tea.'</p> - -<p>'We will hope so, sir.'</p> - -<p>But I was by no means sanguine.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I had an agreeable tea in the kitchen. The buttered toast was good and -the maids nice girls, though with little conversation. The parlourmaid, -who joined us towards the end of the meal, after performing her duties -in the school dining-room, reported that Mr Wooster was sticking it -pluckily, but seemed feverish. I went back to the stable-yard, and I -was just giving the car another look over when the young Mainwaring -child appeared.</p> - -<p>'Oh, I say,' she said, 'will you give this to Mr Wooster when you see -him?' She held out Mr Wooster's cigarette-case. 'He must have dropped -it somewhere. I say,' she proceeded, 'it's an awful lark. He's going to -give a lecture to the school.'</p> - -<p>'Indeed, miss?'</p> - -<p>'We love it when there are lectures. We sit and stare at the poor -dears, and try to make them dry up. There was a man last term who got -hiccoughs. Do you think Mr Wooster will get hiccoughs?'</p> - -<p>'We can but hope for the best, miss.'</p> - -<p>'It would be such a lark, wouldn't it?'</p> - -<p>'Highly enjoyable, miss.'</p> - -<p>'Well, I must be getting back. I want to get a front seat.'</p> - -<p>And she scampered off. An engaging child. Full of spirits.</p> - -<p>She had hardly gone when there was an agitated noise, and round the -corner came Mr Wooster. Perturbed. Deeply so.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Jeeves!'</p> - -<p>'Sir?'</p> - -<p>'Start the car!'</p> - -<p>'Sir?'</p> - -<p>'I'm off!'</p> - -<p>'Sir?'</p> - -<p>Mr Wooster danced a few steps.</p> - -<p>'Don't stand there saying "sir?" I tell you I'm off. Bally off! There's -not a moment to waste. The situation's desperate. Dash it, Jeeves, do -you know what's happened? The Tomlinson female has just sprung it on -me that I'm expected to make a speech to the girls! Got to stand up -there in front of the whole dashed collection and talk! I can just see -myself! Get that car going, Jeeves, dash it all. A little speed, a -little speed!'</p> - -<p>'Impossible, I fear, sir. The car is out of order.'</p> - -<p>Mr Wooster gaped at me. Very glassily he gaped.</p> - -<p>'Out of order!'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir. Something is wrong. Trivial, perhaps, but possibly a matter -of some little time to repair.' Mr Wooster, being one of those easy -going young gentlemen who will drive a car but never take the trouble -to study its mechanism, I felt justified in becoming technical. 'I -think it is the differential gear, sir. Either that or the exhaust.'</p> - -<p>I am fond of Mr Wooster, and I admit I came very near to melting as I -looked at his face. He was staring at me in a sort of dumb despair that -would have touched anybody.</p> - -<p>'Then I'm sunk! Or'—a slight gleam of hope flickered across his drawn -features—'do you think I could sneak out and leg it across country, -Jeeves?'</p> - -<p>'Too late, I fear, sir.' I indicated with a slight gesture the -approaching figure of Miss Tomlinson, who was advancing with a serene -determination in his immediate rear.</p> - -<p>'Ah, there you are, Mr Wooster.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</a></span></p> - -<p>He smiled a sickly smile.</p> - -<p>'Yes—er—here I am!'</p> - -<p>'We are all waiting for you in the large schoolroom.'</p> - -<p>'But I say, look here,' said Mr Wooster, 'I—I don't know a bit what to -talk about.'</p> - -<p>'Why, anything, Mr Wooster. Anything that comes into your head. Be -bright,' said Miss Tomlinson. 'Bright and amusing.'</p> - -<p>'Oh, bright and amusing?'</p> - -<p>'Possibly tell them a few entertaining stories. But, at the same -time, do not neglect the graver note. Remember that my girls are on -the threshold of life, and will be eager to hear something brave and -helpful and stimulating—something which they can remember in after -years. But, of course, you know the sort of thing, Mr Wooster. Come. -The young people are waiting.'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I have spoken earlier of resource and the part it plays in the life -of a gentleman's personal gentleman. It is a quality peculiarly -necessary if one is to share in scenes not primarily designed for one's -cooperation. So much that is interesting in life goes on apart behind -closed doors that your gentleman's gentleman, if he is not to remain -hopelessly behind the march of events, should exercise his wits in -order to enable himself to be—if not a spectator—at least an auditor -when there is anything of interest toward. I deprecate as vulgar and -undignified the practice of listening at keyholes, but without lowering -myself to that, I have generally contrived to find a way.</p> - -<p>In the present case it was simple. The large schoolroom was situated on -the ground floor, with commodious French windows, which, as the weather -was clement, remained open throughout the proceedings. By stationing -myself behind a pillar on the porch or veranda which adjoined the room, -I was enabled to see and hear all. It was an experience which I should<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</a></span> -be sorry to have missed. Mr Wooster, I may say at once, indubitably -excelled himself.</p> - -<p>Mr Wooster is a young gentleman with practically every desirable -quality except one. I do not mean brains, for in an employer brains are -not desirable. The quality to which I allude is hard to define, but -perhaps I might call it the gift of dealing with the Unusual Situation. -In the presence of the Unusual, Mr Wooster is too prone to smile weakly -and allow his eyes to protrude. He lacks Presence. I have often wished -that I had the power to bestow upon him some of the <i>savoir-faire</i> of -a former employer of mine, Mr Montague-Todd, the well-known financier, -now in the second year of his sentence. I have known men call upon Mr -Todd with the express intention of horsewhipping him and go away half -an hour later laughing heartily and smoking one of his cigars. To Mr -Todd it would have been child's play to speak a few impromptu words to -a schoolroom full of young ladies; in fact, before he had finished, -he would probably have induced them to invest all their pocket-money -in one of his numerous companies; but to Mr Wooster it was plainly an -ordeal of the worst description. He gave one look at the young ladies, -who were all staring at him in an extremely unwinking manner, then -blinked and started to pick feebly at his coat-sleeve. His aspect -reminded me of that of a bashful young man who, persuaded against his -better judgement to go on the platform and assist a conjurer in his -entertainment, suddenly discovers that rabbits and hard-boiled eggs are -being taken out of the top of his head.</p> - -<p>The proceedings opened with a short but graceful speech of introduction -from Miss Tomlinson.</p> - -<p>'Girls,' said Miss Tomlinson, 'some of you have already met Mr -Wooster—Mr <i>Bertram</i> Wooster, and you all, I hope, know him by -reputation.' Here, I regret to say, Mr Wooster gave a hideous, gurgling -laugh and,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span> catching Miss Tomlinson's eye, turned a bright scarlet. -Miss Tomlinson resumed: 'He has very kindly consented to say a few -words to you before he leaves, and I am sure that you will all give him -your very earnest attention. Now, please.'</p> - -<p>She gave a spacious gesture with her right hand as she said the last -two words, and Mr Wooster, apparently under the impression that they -were addressed to him, cleared his throat and began to speak. But it -appeared that her remark was directed to the young ladies, and was -in the nature of a cue or signal, for she had no sooner spoken to -them than the whole school rose to its feet in a body and burst into -a species of chant, of which I am glad to say I remember the words, -though the tune eludes me. The words ran as follows:</p> - -<div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse">Many greetings to you!</div> - <div class="verse">Many greetings to you!</div> - <div class="verse">Many greetings, dear stranger,</div> - <div class="verse">Many greetings,</div> - <div class="verse">Many greetings,</div> - <div class="verse">Many greetings to you!</div> - <div class="verse">Many greetings to you!</div> - <div class="verse">To you!</div> -</div></div> - -<p>Considerable latitude of choice was given to the singers in the matter -of key, and there was little of what I might call co-operative effort. -Each child went on till she had reached the end, then stopped and -waited for the stragglers to come up. It was an unusual performance, -and I, personally, found it extremely exhilarating. It seemed to smite -Mr Wooster, however, like a blow. He recoiled a couple of steps and -flung up an arm defensively. Then the uproar died away, and an air -of expectancy fell upon the room. Miss Tomlinson directed a brightly -authoritative gaze upon Mr Wooster, and he blinked, gulped once or -twice, and tottered forward.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Well, you know—' he said.</p> - -<p>Then it seemed to strike him that this opening lacked the proper formal -dignity.</p> - -<p>'Ladies—'</p> - -<p>A silvery peal of laughter from the front row stopped him again.</p> - -<p>'Girls!' said Miss Tomlinson. She spoke in a low, soft voice, but the -effect was immediate. Perfect stillness instantly descended upon all -present. I am bound to say that, brief as my acquaintance with Miss -Tomlinson had been, I could recall few women I had admired more. She -had grip.</p> - -<p>I fancy that Miss Tomlinson had gauged Mr Wooster's oratorical -capabilities pretty correctly by this time, and had come to the -conclusion that little in the way of a stirring address was to be -expected from him.</p> - -<p>'Perhaps,' she said, 'as it is getting late, and he has not very much -time to spare, Mr Wooster will just give you some little word of advice -which may be helpful to you in after-life, and then we will sing the -school song and disperse to our evening lessons.'</p> - -<p>She looked at Mr Wooster. He passed a finger round the inside of his -collar.</p> - -<p>'Advice? After-life? What? Well, I don't know—'</p> - -<p>'Just some brief word of counsel, Mr Wooster,' said Miss Tomlinson -firmly.</p> - -<p>'Oh, well—Well, yes—Well—' It was painful to see Mr Wooster's brain -endeavouring to work. 'Well, I'll tell you something that's often done -<i>me</i> a bit of good, and it's a thing not many people know. My old Uncle -Henry gave me the tip when I first came to London. "Never forget, my -boy," he said, "that, if you stand outside Romano's in the Strand, you -can see the clock on the wall of the Law Courts down in Fleet Street. -Most people who don't know don't believe it's possible, because there -are a couple of churches in the middle of the road, and you would think -they would be in the way. But you can, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span> it's worth knowing. You -can win a lot of money betting on it with fellows who haven't found -it out." And, by Jove, he was perfectly right, and it's a thing to -remember. Many a quid have I—'</p> - -<p>Miss Tomlinson gave a hard, dry cough, and he stopped in the middle of -a sentence.</p> - -<p>'Perhaps it will be better, Mr Wooster,' she said, in a cold, even -voice, 'if you were to tell my girls some little story. What you say -is, no doubt, extremely interesting, but perhaps a little—'</p> - -<p>'Oh, ah, yes,' said Mr Wooster. 'Story? Story?' He appeared completely -distraught, poor young gentleman. 'I wonder if you've heard the one -about the stockbroker and the chorus-girl?'</p> - -<p>'We will now sing the school song,' said Miss Tomlinson, rising like an -iceberg.</p> - -<p>I decided not to remain for the singing of the school song. It seemed -probable to me that Mr Wooster would shortly be requiring the car, so I -made my way back to the stable-yard, to be in readiness.</p> - -<p>I had not long to wait. In a very few moments he appeared, tottering. -Mr Wooster's is not one of those inscrutable faces which it is -impossible to read. On the contrary, it is a limpid pool in which is -mirrored each passing emotion. I could read it now like a book, and his -first words were very much on the lines I had anticipated.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves,' he said hoarsely, 'is that damned car mended yet?'</p> - -<p>'Just this moment, sir. I have been working on it assiduously.'</p> - -<p>'Then, for heaven's sake, let's go!'</p> - -<p>'But I understood that you were to address the young ladies, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Oh, I've done that!' responded Mr Wooster, blinking twice with -extraordinary rapidity. 'Yes, I've done that.'</p> - -<p>'It was a success, I hope, sir?'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</a></span></p> - -<p>'Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Most extraordinarily successful. Went like a breeze. -But—er—I think I may as well be going. No use outstaying one's -welcome, what?'</p> - -<p>'Assuredly not, sir.'</p> - -<p>I had climbed into my seat and was about to start the engine, when -voices made themselves heard; and at the first sound of them Mr Wooster -sprang with almost incredible nimbleness into the tonneau, and when I -glanced round he was on the floor covering himself with a rug. The last -I saw of him was a pleading eye.</p> - -<p>'Have you seen Mr Wooster, my man?'</p> - -<p>Miss Tomlinson had entered the stable-yard, accompanied by a lady of, I -should say, judging from her accent, French origin.</p> - -<p>'No, madam.'</p> - -<p>The French lady uttered some exclamation in her native tongue.</p> - -<p>'Is anything wrong, madam?' I inquired.</p> - -<p>Miss Tomlinson in normal mood was, I should be disposed to imagine, -a lady who would not readily confide her troubles to the ear of a -gentleman's gentleman, however sympathetic his aspect. That she did so -now was sufficient indication of the depth to which she was stirred.</p> - -<p>'Yes, there is! Mademoiselle has just found several of the girls -smoking cigarettes in the shrubbery. When questioned, they stated that -Mr Wooster had given them the horrid things.' She turned. 'He must be -in the garden somewhere, or in the house. I think the man is out of his -senses. Come, mademoiselle!'</p> - -<p>It must have been about a minute later that Mr Wooster poked his head -out of the rug like a tortoise.</p> - -<p>'Jeeves!'</p> - -<p>'Sir?'</p> - -<p>'Get a move on! Start her up! Get going and <i>keep</i> going!'</p> - -<p>I applied my foot to the self-starter.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</a></span></p> - -<p>'It would perhaps be safest to drive carefully until we are out of -the school grounds, sir,' I said. 'I might run over one of the young -ladies, sir.'</p> - -<p>'Well, what's the objection to that?' demanded Mr Wooster with -extraordinary bitterness.</p> - -<p>'Or even Miss Tomlinson sir.'</p> - -<p>'Don't!' said Mr Wooster wistfully. 'You make my mouth water!'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>'Jeeves,' said Mr Wooster, when I brought him his whisky and siphon one -night about a week later, 'this is dashed jolly.'</p> - -<p>'Sir?'</p> - -<p>'Jolly. Cosy and pleasant, you know. I mean, looking at the clock and -wondering if you're going to be late with the good old drinks, and then -you coming in with the tray always on time, never a minute late, and -shoving it down on the table and biffing off, and the next night coming -in and shoving it down and biffing off, and the next night—I mean, -gives you a sort of safe, restful feeling. Soothing! That's the word. -Soothing!'</p> - -<p>'Yes, sir. Oh, by the way, sir—'</p> - -<p>'Well?'</p> - -<p>'Have you succeeded in finding a suitable house yet, sir?'</p> - -<p>'House? What do you mean, house?'</p> - -<p>'I understood, sir, that it was your intention to give up the flat and -take a house of sufficient size to enable you to have your sister, Mrs -Scholfield, and her three young ladies to live with you.'</p> - -<p>Mr Wooster shuddered strongly.</p> - -<p>'That's off, Jeeves,' he said.</p> - -<p>'Very good, sir,' I replied.</p> - -<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CARRY ON, JEEVES ***</div> -<div style='text-align:left'> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will -be renamed. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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