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diff --git a/old/gacos10.txt b/old/gacos10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7d97791 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/gacos10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5927 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners +by John Bunyan +(#3 in our series by John Bunyan) + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners + +Author: John Bunyan + +Release Date: September, 1996 [EBook #654] +[This file was first posted on October 22, 1996] +[Most recently updated: September 8, 2002] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, GRACE ABOUNDING *** + + + + +Transcribed from the 1905 The Religious Tract Society edition by +David Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk + + + + +GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS +In a faithful account of the life and death of John Bunyan +Or +A brief relation of the exceeding mercy of God in Christ to him +Namely +In His taking him out of the dunghill, and converting him to the +faith of His blessed son Jesus Christ. Here is also particularly +shewed, what sight of, and what troubles he had for sin; and also, +what various temptations he hath met with, and how God hath carried +him through them. + + + + +A PREFACE + + + +OR, BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE PUBLISHING THIS WORK. WRITTEN BY THE +AUTHOR THEREOF, AND DEDICATED TO THOSE WHOM GOD HATH COUNTED HIM +WORTHY TO BEGET TO FAITH, BY HIS MINISTRY IN THE WORD + + + +Children, Grace be with you. Amen. I being taken from you in +presence, and so tied up that I cannot perform that duty, that from +God doth lie upon me to you-ward, for your farther edifying and +building up in faith and holiness, etc., yet that you may see my +soul hath fatherly care and desire after your spiritual and +everlasting welfare, I now once again, as before, from the top of +Shenir and Hermon, so now from the lions' dens, from the mountains +of the leopards (Song iv. 8), do look yet after you all, greatly +longing to see your safe arrival into THE desired Haven. + +I thank God upon every remembrance of you; and rejoice, even while +I stick between the teeth of the lion in the wilderness, that the +grace and mercy, and knowledge of Christ our Saviour, which God +hath bestowed upon you, with abundance of faith and love; your +hungerings and thirstings after farther acquaintance with the +Father, in the Son; your tenderness of heart, your trembling at +sin, your sober and holy deportment also, before both God and men, +is a great refreshment to me; For ye are our glory and joy. 1 +Thess. ii. 20. + +I have sent you here enclosed, a drop of that honey that I have +taken out of the carcase of a lion. Judg. xiv. 5-8. I have eaten +thereof myself, and am much refreshed thereby. (Temptations, when +we meet them at first, are as the lion that roared upon Samson; but +if we overcome them, the next time we see them, we shall find a +nest of honey within them.) The Philistines understand me not. It +is something of a relation of the work of God upon my soul, even +from the very first, till now, wherein you may perceive my castings +down, and risings up: for He woundeth, and His hands make whole. +It is written in the Scripture, Isa. xxxviii. 19, The father to the +children shall make known Thy truth. Yea, it was for this reason I +lay so long at Sinai, Lev. iv. 10, 11, to see the fire, and the +cloud, and the darkness, that I might fear the Lord all the days of +my life upon earth, and tell of His wondrous works to my children. +Psalm lxxviii. 3-5. + +Moses, Numb. xxxiii. 1, 2, writ of the journeys of the children of +Israel, from Egypt to the land of Canaan; and commanded also that +they did remember their forty years' travel in the wilderness. +Thou shalt remember all the way which the Lord thy God led thee +these forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove +thee, and to know what was in thine heart, whether thou wouldst +keep His commandments, or no. Deut. viii. 2. Wherefore this I +have endeavoured to do; and not only so, but to publish it also; +that, if God will, others may be put in remembrance of what He hath +done for their souls, by reading His work upon me. + +It is profitable for Christians to be often calling to mind the +very beginnings of grace with their souls. It is a night to be +much observed unto the Lord, for bringing them out from the land of +Egypt. This is that night of the Lord to be observed of all the +children of Israel in their generations. Exod. xii. 42. O my God +(saith David), Ps. xlii. 6, my soul is cast down within me; +therefore will I remember thee from the land of Jordan, and of the +Hermonites, from the hill Mizar. He remembered also the lion and +the bear, when he went to fight with the giant of Gath. 1 Sam. +xvii. 36, 37. + +It was Paul's accustomed manner, Acts xxii., and that, when tried +for his life, Acts xxiv., even to open before his judges the manner +of his conversion: he would think of that day, and that hour, in +which he first did meet with grace; for he found it supported him. +When God had brought the children of Israel out of the Red Sea, far +into the wilderness, yet they must turn quite about thither again, +to remember the drowning of their enemies there, Numb. xiv. 25, for +though they sang his praise before, yet they soon forgat his works. +Psalm cvi. 11, 12. + +In this discourse of mine, you may see much; much I say, of the +grace of God towards me: I thank God, I can count it much; for it +was above my sins and Satan's temptations too. I can remember my +fears and doubts, and sad months, with comfort; they are as the +head of Goliah in my hand: there was nothing to David like +Goliah's sword, even that sword that should have been sheathed in +his bowels; for the very sight and remembrance of that did preach +forth God's deliverance to him. Oh! the remembrance of my great +sins, of my great temptations, and of my great fear of perishing +for ever! They bring afresh into my mind, the remembrance of my +great help, my great supports from heaven, and the great grace that +God extended to such a wretch as I. + +My dear children, call to mind the former days, and years of +ancient times: remember also your songs in the night, and commune +with your own Hearts, Ps. lxxiii. 5-12. Yea, look diligently, and +leave no corner therein unsearched for that treasure hid, even the +treasure of your first and second experience of the grace of God +towards you. Remember, I say, the word that first laid hold upon +you: remember your terrors of conscience, and fear of death and +hell: remember also your tears and prayers to God; yea, how you +sighed under every hedge for mercy. Have you never a hill Mizar to +remember? Have you forgot the close, the milk-house, the stable, +the barn, and the like, where God did visit your souls? Remember +also the word, the word, I say, upon which the Lord hath caused you +to hope: if you have sinned against light, if you are tempted to +blaspheme, if you are drowned in despair, if you think God fights +against you, or if heaven is hid from your eyes; remember it was +thus with your father; but out of them all the Lord delivered me. + +I could have enlarged much in this my discourse, of my temptations +and troubles for sin; as also of the merciful kindness and working +of God with my soul: I could also have stepped into a style much +higher than this, in which I have here discoursed, and could have +adorned all things more than here I have seemed to do, but I dare +not: God did not play in tempting of me; neither did I play, when +I sunk as into the bottomless pit, when the pangs of hell caught +hold upon me; wherefore I may not play in relating of them, but be +plain and simple, and lay down the thing as it was; he that liketh +it, let him receive it, and he that doth not, let him produce a +better. Farewell. + +My dear Children, + +The milk and honey are beyond this wilderness. God be merciful to +you, and grant that you be not slothful to go in to possess the +land. + +JOHN BUNYAN. + + + +GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS +OR, +A BRIEF RELATION OF THE EXCEEDING MERCY OF GOD IN CHRIST, TO HIS +POOR SERVANT, JOHN BUNYAN + + + + +In this my relation of the merciful working of God upon my soul, it +will not be amiss, if in the first place, I do in a few words give +you a hint of my pedigree, and manner of bringing up; that thereby +the goodness and bounty of God towards me, may be the more advanced +and magnified before the sons of men. + +2. For my descent then, it was, as is well known by many, of a low +and inconsiderable generation; my father's house being of that rank +that is meanest, and most despised of all the families in the land. +Wherefore, I have not here, as others, to boast of noble blood, or +of any high-born state, according to the flesh; though, all things +considered, I magnify the heavenly Majesty, for that by this door +He brought me into the world, to partake of the grace and life that +is in Christ by the gospel. + +3. But yet, notwithstanding the meanness and inconsiderableness of +my parents, it pleased God to put it into their hearts, to put me +to school, to learn both to read and write; the which I also +attained, according to the rate of other poor men's children: +though, to my shame, I confess, I did soon lose that I had learned, +even almost utterly, and that long before the Lord did work His +gracious work of conversion upon my soul. + +4. As for my own natural life, for the time that I was without God +in the world, it was, indeed, according to the course of this world +and the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience. +Eph. ii. 2, 3. It was my delight to be 'taken captive by the devil +at his will,' 2 Tim. ii. 26; being filled with all unrighteousness; +the which did also so strongly work, and put forth itself, both in +my heart and life, and that from a child, that I had but few equals +(especially considering my years, which were tender, being but few) +both for cursing, swearing, lying, and blaspheming the holy name of +God. + +5. Yea, so settled and rooted was I in these things, that they +became as a second nature to me; the which, as I have also with +soberness considered since, did so offend the Lord, that even in my +childhood he did scare and affrighten me with fearful dreams, and +did terrify me with fearful visions. For often, after I have spent +this and the other day in sin, I have in my bed been greatly +afflicted, while asleep, with the apprehensions of devils and +wicked spirits, who still, as I then thought, laboured to draw me +away with them, of which I could never be rid. + +6. Also I should, at these years, be greatly afflicted and +troubled with the thoughts of the fearful torments of hell-fire; +still fearing, that it would be my lot to be found at last among +those devils and hellish fiends, who are there bound down with the +chains and bonds of darkness, unto the judgment of the great day. + +7. These things, I say, when I was but a child, but nine or ten +years old, did so distress my soul, that then in the midst of my +many sports and childish vanities, amidst my vain companions, I was +often much cast down, and afflicted in my mind therewith, yet could +I not let go my sins: yea, I was also then so overcome with +despair of life and heaven, that I should often wish, either that +there had been no hell, or that I had been a devil; supposing they +were only tormentors; that if it must needs be, that I went +thither, I might be rather a tormentor, than be tormented myself. + +8. A while after those terrible dreams did leave me, which also I +soon forgot; for my pleasures did quickly cut off the remembrance +of them, as if they had never been: wherefore with more +greediness, according to the strength of nature, I did still let +loose the reins of my lust, and delighted in all transgressions +against the law of God: so that until I came to the state of +marriage, I was the very ringleader of all the youth that kept me +company, in all manner of vice and ungodliness. + +9. Yea, such prevalency had the lusts and fruits of the flesh in +this poor soul of mine, that had not a miracle of precious grace +prevented, I had not only perished by the stroke of eternal +justice, but had also laid myself open, even to the stroke of those +laws which bring some to disgrace and open shame before the face of +the world. + +10. In these days the thoughts of religion were very grievous to +me; I could neither endure it myself, nor that any other should; so +that when I have seen some read in those books that concerned +Christian piety, it would be as it were a prison to me. Then I +said unto God, Depart from me, for I desire not the knowledge of +Thy ways. Job xxi. 14, 15. I was now void of all good +consideration, heaven and hell were both out of sight and mind; and +as for saving and damning, they were least in my thoughts. O Lord, +Thou knowest my life, and my ways were not hid from Thee! + +11. But this I well remember, that though I could myself sin with +the greatest delight and ease, and also take pleasure in the +vileness of my companions; yet, even then, if I had at any time +seen wicked things, by those who professed goodness, it would make +my spirit tremble. As once above all the rest, when I was in the +height of vanity, yet hearing one to swear, that was reckoned for a +religious man, it had so great a stroke upon my spirit, that it +made my heart ache. + +12. But God did not utterly leave me, but followed me still, not +now with convictions, but judgments; yet such as were mixed with +mercy. For once I fell into a creek of the sea, and hardly escaped +drowning. Another time I fell out of a boat into Bedford river, +but, mercy yet preserved me alive: besides, another time, being in +a field, with one of my companions, it chanced that an adder passed +over the highway, so I having a stick in my hand, struck her over +the back; and having stunned her, I forced open her mouth with my +stick, and plucked her sting out with my fingers; by which act had +not God been merciful unto me, I might by my desperateness, have +brought myself to my end. + +13. This also I have taken notice of, with thanksgiving: When I +was a soldier, I with others, were drawn out to go to such a place +to besiege it; but when I was just ready to go, one of the company +desired to go in my room: to which, when I had consented, he took +my place; and coming to the siege, as he stood sentinel, he was +shot in the head with a musket-bullet and died. + +14. Here, as I said, were judgments and mercy, but neither of them +did awaken my soul to righteousness; wherefore I sinned still, and +grew more and more rebellious against God, and careless of my own +salvation. + +15. Presently after this, I changed my condition into a married +state, and my mercy was, to light upon a wife whose father was +counted godly: This woman and I, though we came together as poor +as poor might be (not having so much household stuff as a dish or a +spoon betwixt us both), yet this she had for her part: The Plain +Man's Pathway to Heaven and The Practice of Piety; which her father +had left her when he died. In these two books I would sometimes +read with her, wherein I also found some things that were somewhat +pleasing to me (but all this while I met with no conviction). She +also would be often telling of me what a godly man her father was, +and how he would reprove and correct vice, both in his house, and +among his neighbours; what a strict and holy life he lived in his +days, both in word and deed. + +16. Wherefore these books, with this relation, though they did not +reach my heart, to awaken it about my sad and sinful state, yet +they did beget within me some desires to religion: so that because +I knew no better, I fell in very eagerly with the religion of the +times; to wit, to go to church twice a day, and that too with the +foremost; and there should very devoutly, both say and sing, as +others did, yet retaining my wicked life; but withal, I was so +over-run with the spirit of superstition, that I adored, and that +with great devotion, even all things (both the high-place, priest, +clerk, vestment, service, and what else) belonging to the church; +counting all things holy that were therein contained, and +especially, the priest and clerk most happy, and without doubt, +greatly blessed, because they were the servants, as I then thought, +of God, and were principal in the holy temple, to do His work +therein. + +17. This conceit grew so strong in a little time upon my spirit, +that had I but seen a priest (though never so sordid and debauched +in his life), I should find my spirit fall under him, reverence +him, and knit unto him; yea, I thought, for the love I did bear +unto them (supposing them the ministers of God), I could have laid +down at their feet, and have been trampled upon by them; their +name, their garb, and work did so intoxicate and bewitch me. + +18. After I had been thus for some considerable time, another +thought came in my mind; and that was, whether we were of the +Israelites or no? For finding in the scripture that they were once +the peculiar people of God, thought I, if I were one of this race, +my soul must needs be happy. Now again, I found within me a great +longing to be resolved about this question, but could not tell how +I should: at last I asked my father of it; who told me, No, we +were not. Wherefore then I fell in my spirit, as to the hopes of +that, and so remained. + +19. But all this while, I was not sensible of the danger and evil +of sin; I was kept from considering that sin would damn me, what +religion soever I followed, unless I was found in Christ: nay, I +never thought of Him, or whether there was such a One, or no. Thus +man, while blind, doth wander, but wearieth himself with vanity, +for he knoweth not the way to the city of God. Eccles. x. 15. + +20. But one day (amongst all the sermons our parson made) his +subject was, to treat of the Sabbath day, and of the evil of +breaking that, either with labour, sports or otherwise. (Now, I +was, notwithstanding my religion, one that took much delight in all +manner of vice, and especially that was the day that I did solace +myself therewith): wherefore I fell in my conscience under his +sermon, thinking and believing that he made that sermon on purpose +to show me my evil doing. And at that time I felt what guilt was, +though never before, that I can remember; but then I was, for the +present, greatly loaden therewith, and so went home when the sermon +was ended, with a great burthen upon my spirit. + +21. This, for that instant did benumb the sinews of my best +delights, and did imbitter my former pleasures to me; but hold, it +lasted not, for before I had well dined, the trouble began to go +off my mind, and my heart returned to its old course: but oh! how +glad was I, that this trouble was gone from me, and that the fire +was put out, that I might sin again without control! Wherefore, +when I had satisfied nature with my food, I shook the sermon out of +my mind, and to my old custom of sports and gaming, I returned with +great delight. + +22. But the same day, as I was in the midst of a game of Cat, and +having struck it one blow from the hole, just as I was about to +strike it the second time, a voice did suddenly dart from heaven +into my soul, which said, Wilt thou leave thy sins and go to +heaven, or have thy sins and go to hell? At this I was put to an +exceeding maze; wherefore leaving my cat upon the ground, I looked +up to heaven, and was, as if I had, with the eyes of my +understanding, seen the Lord Jesus looking down upon me, as being +very hotly displeased with me, and as if He did severely threaten +me with some grievous punishment for these and other ungodly +practices. + +23. I had no sooner thus conceived in my mind, but, suddenly, this +conclusion was fastened on my spirit (for the former hint did set +my sins again before my face), That I had been a great and grievous +sinner, and that it was now too late for me to look after heaven; +for Christ would not forgive me, nor pardon my transgressions. +Then I fell to musing on this also; and while I was thinking of it, +and fearing lest it should be so; I felt my heart sink in despair, +concluding it was too late; and therefore I resolved in my mind I +would go on in sin: for, thought I, if the case be thus, my state +is surely miserable; miserable if I leave my sins, and but +miserable if I follow them; I can but be damned, and if I must be +so, I had as good be damned for many sins, as be damned for few. + +24. Thus I stood in the midst of my play, before all that then +were present: but yet I told them nothing: but I say; having made +this conclusion, I returned desperately to my sport again; and I +well remember, that presently this kind of despair did so possess +my soul, that I was persuaded I could never attain to other comfort +than what I should get in sin; for heaven was gone already, so that +on that I must not think; wherefore I found within me great desire +to take my fill of sin, still studying what sin was yet to be +committed, that I might taste the sweetness of it; and I made as +much haste as I could to fill my belly with its delicates, lest I +should die before I had my desire; for that I feared greatly. In +these things, I protest before God, I lye not, neither do I feign +this form of speech; these were really, strongly, and with all my +heart, my desires: The good Lord, Whose mercy is unsearchable, +forgive me my transgressions! + +25. And I am very confident, that this temptation of the devil is +more usual among poor creatures, than many are aware of, even to +over-run the spirits with a scurvy and seared frame of heart, and +benumbing of conscience, which frame he stilly and slily supplieth +with such despair, that, though not much guilt attendeth souls, yet +they continually have a secret conclusion within them, that there +is no hope for them; for they have loved sins, therefore after them +they will go. Jer. ii. 25, and xviii. 12. + +26. Now therefore I went on in sin with great greediness of mind, +still grudging that I could not be so satisfied with it, as I +would. This did continue with me about a month, or more; but one +day, as I was standing at a neighbour's shop window, and there +cursing and swearing, and playing the madman, after my wonted +manner, there sate within, the woman of the house, and heard me; +who, though she also was a very loose and ungodly wretch, yet +protested that I swore and cursed at that most fearful rate, that +she was made to tremble to hear me; and told me further, that I was +the ungodliest fellow for swearing, that she ever heard in all her +life; and that I, by thus doing, was able to spoil all the youth in +the whole town, if they come but in my company. + +27. At this reproof I was silenced, and put to secret shame; and +that too, as I thought, before the God of heaven; wherefore, while +I stood there, and hanging down my head, I wished with all my heart +that I might be a little child again, that my father might learn me +to speak without this wicked way of swearing; for, thought I, I am +so accustomed to it, that it is in vain for me to think of a +reformation; for I thought it could never be. + +28. But how it came to pass, I know not; I did from this time +forward, so leave my swearing, that it was a great wonder to myself +to observe it; and whereas before I knew not how to speak unless I +put an oath before, and another behind, to make my words have +authority; now I could, without it, speak better, and with more +pleasantness than ever I could before. All this while I knew not +Jesus Christ, neither did I leave my sports and plays. + +29. But quickly after this, I fell into company with one poor man +that made profession of religion; who, as I then thought, did talk +pleasantly of the scriptures, and of the matters of religion; +wherefore falling into some love and liking to what he said, I +betook me to my Bible, and began to take great pleasure in reading, +but especially with the historical part thereof; for as for Paul's +Epistles, and such like scriptures, I could not away with them, +being as yet ignorant, either of the corruptions of my nature, or +of the want and worth of Jesus Christ to save me. + +30. Wherefore I fell to some outward reformation both in my words +and life, and did set the commandments before me for my way to +heaven; which commandments I also did strive to keep, and, as I +thought, did keep them pretty well sometimes, and then I should +have comfort; yet now and then should break one, and so afflict my +conscience; but then I should repent, and say, I was sorry for it, +and promise God to do better next time, and there get help again; +for then I thought I pleased God as well as any man in England. + +31. Thus I continued about a year; all which time our neighbours +did take me to be a very godly man, a new and religious man, and +did marvel much to see such a great and famous alteration in my +life and manners; and indeed so it was, though yet I knew not +Christ, nor grace, nor faith, nor hope; for, as I have well seen +since, had I then died, my state had been most fearful. + +32. But, I say, my neighbours were amazed at this my great +conversion, from prodigious profaneness, to something like a moral +life; and truly, so they well might; for this my conversion was as +great, as for Tom of Bethlehem to become a sober man. Now +therefore they began to praise, to commend, and to speak well of +me, both to my face, and behind my back. Now I was, as they said, +become godly; now I was become a right honest man. But oh! when I +understood these were their words and opinions of me, it pleased me +mighty well. For, though as yet I was nothing but a poor painted +hypocrite, yet, I loved to be talked of as one that was truly +godly. I was proud of my godliness, and indeed, I did all I did, +either to be seen of, or to be well spoken of, by men: and thus I +continued for about a twelvemonth, or more. + +33. Now you must know, that, before this, I had taken much delight +in ringing, but my conscience beginning to be tender, I thought +such practice was but vain, and therefore forced myself to leave +it; yet my mind hankered; wherefore I would go to the steeple- +house, and look on, though I durst not ring: but I thought this +did not become religion neither; yet I forced myself, and would +look on still, but quickly after, I began to think, how if one of +the bells should fall? Then I chose to stand under a main beam, +that lay overthwart the steeple, from side to side, thinking here I +might stand sure; but then I should think again, should the bell +fall with a swing, it might first hit the wall, and then, +rebounding upon me, might kill me for all this beam; this made me +stand in the steeple-door; and now, thought I, I am safe enough; +for if the bell should now fall, I can slip out behind these thick +walls, and so be preserved notwithstanding. + +34. So after this I would yet go to see them ring, but would not +go any farther than the steeple-door; but then it came into my +head, how if the steeple itself should fall? And this thought (it +may for aught I know) when I stood and looked on, did continually +so shake my mind, that I durst not stand at the steeple-door any +longer, but was forced to flee, for fear the steeple should fall +upon my head. + +35. Another thing was, my dancing; I was a full year before I +could quite leave that; but all this while, when I thought I kept +this or that commandment, or did, by word or deed, anything that I +thought was good, I had great peace in my conscience, and should +think with myself, God cannot choose but be now pleased with me; +yea, to relate it in mine own way, I thought no man in England +could please God better than I. + +36. But poor wretch as I was! I was all this while ignorant of +Jesus Christ; and going about to establish my own righteousness; +and had perished therein, had not God in mercy showed me more of my +state by nature. + +37. But upon a day, the good providence of God called me to +Bedford, to work on my calling; and in one of the streets of that +town, I came where there were three or four poor women sitting at a +door, in the sun, talking about the things of God; and being now +willing to hear them discourse, I drew near to hear what they said, +for I was now a brisk talker also myself, in the matters of +religion; but I may say, I heard but understood not; for they were +far above, out of my reach. Their talk was about a new birth, the +work of God on their hearts, also how they were convinced of their +miserable state by nature; they talked how God had visited their +souls with His love in the Lord Jesus, and with what words and +promises they had been refreshed, comforted, and supported, against +the temptations of the devil: moreover, they reasoned of the +suggestions and temptations of Satan in particular; and told to +each other, by which they had been afflicted and how they were +borne up under his assaults. They also discoursed of their own +wretchedness of heart, and of their unbelief; and did contemn, +slight and abhor their own righteousness, as filthy, and +insufficient to do them any good. + +38. And, methought, they spake as if joy did make them speak; they +spake with such pleasantness of scripture language, and with such +appearance of grace in all they said, that they were to me, as if +they had found a new world; as if they were people that dwelt +alone, and were not to be reckoned among their neighbours. Numb. +xxiii. 9. + +39. At this I felt my own heart began to shake, and mistrust my +condition to be naught; for I saw that in all my thoughts about +religion and salvation, the new-birth did never enter into my mind; +neither knew I the comfort of the word and promise, nor the +deceitfulness and treachery of my own wicked heart. As for secret +thoughts, I took no notice of them; neither did I understand what +Satan's temptations were, nor how they were to be withstood, and +resisted, etc. + +40. Thus, therefore, when I had heard and considered what they +said, I left them, and went about my employment again, but their +talk and discourse went with me; also my heart would tarry with +them, for I was greatly affected with their words, both because by +them I was convinced that I wanted the true tokens of a truly godly +man, and also because by them I was convinced of the happy and +blessed condition of him that was such a one. + +41. Therefore I should often make it my business to be going again +and again into the company of these poor people; for I could not +stay away; and the more I went amongst them, the more I did +question my condition; and as I still do remember, presently I +found two things within me, at which I did sometimes marvel +(especially considering what a blind, ignorant, sordid and ungodly +wretch but just before I was). The one was a very great softness +and tenderness of heart, which caused me to fall under the +conviction of what by scripture they asserted, and the other was a +great bending in my mind, to a continual meditating on it, and on +all other good things, which at any time I heard or read of. + +42. By these things my mind was now so turned, that it lay like an +horse-leech at the vein, still crying out, Give, Give, Prov. xxx. +15; yea, it was so fixed on eternity, and on the things about the +kingdom of heaven (that is, so far as I knew, though as yet, God +knows, I knew but little), that neither pleasures, nor profits, nor +persuasions, nor threats, could loose it, or make it let go its +hold; and though I may speak it with shame, yet it is in very deed, +a certain truth, it would then have been as difficult for me to +have taken my mind from heaven to earth, as I have found it often +since, to get again from earth to heaven. + +43. One thing I may not omit: There was a young man in our town, +to whom my heart before was knit, more than to any other, but he +being a most wicked creature for cursing, and swearing, and +whoreing, I now shook him off, and forsook his company; but about a +quarter of a year after I had left him, I met him in a certain +lane, and asked him how he did: he, after his old swearing and mad +way, answered, he was well. But, Harry, said I, why do you curse +and swear thus? What will become of you, if you die in this +condition? He answered me in a great chafe, What would the devil +do for company, if it were not for such as I am? + +44. About this time I met with some Ranters' books, that were put +forth by some of our countrymen, which books were also highly in +esteem by several old professors; some of these I read, but was not +able to make any judgment about them; wherefore as I read in them, +and thought upon them (seeing myself unable to judge), I would +betake myself to hearty prayer in this manner. O Lord, I am a +fool, and not able to know the truth from error: Lord, leave me +not to my own blindness, either to approve of or condemn this +doctrine; if it be of God, let me not despise it; if it be of the +devil, let me not embrace it. Lord, I lay my soul in this matter +only at Thy foot, let me not be deceived, I humbly beseech Thee. I +had one religious intimate companion all this while, and that was +the poor man I spoke of before; but about this time, he also turned +a most devilish Ranter, and gave himself up to all manner of +filthiness, especially uncleanness: he would also deny that there +was a God, angel, or spirit; and would laugh at all exhortations to +sobriety; when I laboured to rebuke his wickedness he would laugh +the more, and pretend that he had gone through all religions, and +could never light on the right till now. He told me also, that in +a little time I should see all professors turn to the ways of the +Ranters. Wherefore, abominating those cursed principles, I left +his company forthwith, and became to him as great a stranger, as I +had been before a familiar. + +45. Neither was this man only a temptation to me, but my calling +lying in the country, I happened to light into several people's +company, who though strict in religion formerly, yet were also +swept away by these Ranters. These would also talk with me of +their ways, and condemn me as legal and dark; pretending that they +only had attained to perfection, that could do what they would and +not sin. Oh! these temptations were suitable to my flesh, I being +but a young man and my nature in its prime; but God, who had, as I +hoped, designed me for better things, kept me in the fear of His +name, and did not suffer me to accept such cursed principles. And +blessed be God, Who put it into my heart to cry to Him to be kept +and directed, still distrusting my own wisdom; for I have since +seen even the effects of that prayer, in His preserving me, not +only from Ranting errors, but from those also that have sprung up +since. The Bible was precious to me in those days. + +46. And now methought, I began to look into the Bible with new +eyes, and read as I never did before, and especially the epistles +of the apostle St Paul were sweet and pleasant to me; and indeed I +was then never out of the Bible, either by reading or meditation; +still crying out to God, that I might know the truth, and way to +heaven and glory. + +47. And as I went on and read, I lighted upon that passage, To one +is given, by the Spirit, the word of wisdom; to another the word +knowledge by the same Spirit; and to another faith, etc. 1 Cor. +xii. And though, as I have since seen, that by this scripture the +Holy Ghost intends, in special, things extraordinary, yet on me it +did then fasten with conviction, that I did want things ordinary, +even that understanding and wisdom that other Christians had. On +this word I mused, and could not tell what to do, especially this +word 'Faith' put me to it, for I could not help it, but sometimes +must question, whether I had any faith, or no; but I was loath to +conclude, I had no faith; for if I do so, thought I, then I shall +count myself a very cast-away indeed. + +48. No, said I, with myself, though I am convinced that I am an +ignorant sot, and that I want those blessed gifts of knowledge and +understanding that other people have; yet at a venture I will +conclude, I am not altogether faithless, though I know not what +faith is; for it was shewn me, and that too (as I have seen since) +by Satan, that those who conclude themselves in a faithless state, +have neither rest nor quiet in their souls; and I was loath to fall +quite into despair. + +49. Wherefore by this suggestion I was, for a while, made afraid +to see my want of faith; but God would not suffer me thus to undo +and destroy my soul, but did continually, against this my sad and +blind conclusion, create still within me such suppositions, +insomuch that I could not rest content, until I did now come to +some certain knowledge, whether I had faith or no, this always +running in my mind, But how if you want faith indeed? But how can +you tell you have faith? And besides, I saw for certain, if I had +not, I was sure to perish for ever. + +50. So that though I endeavoured at the first to look over the +business of Faith, yet in a little time, I better considering the +matter, was willing to put myself upon the trial whether I had +faith or no. But alas, poor wretch! so ignorant and brutish was I, +that I knew not to this day no more how to do it, than I know how +to begin and accomplish that rare and curious piece of art, which I +never yet saw or considered. + +51. Wherefore while I was thus considering, and being put to my +plunge about it (for you must know, that as yet I had in this +matter broken my mind to no man, only did hear and consider), the +tempter came in with this delusion, That there was no way for me to +know I had faith, but by trying to work some miracle; urging those +scriptures that seem to look that way, for the enforcing and +strengthening his temptation. Nay, one day, as I was between +Elstow and Bedford, the temptation was hot upon me, to try if I had +faith, by doing some miracle; which miracle at this time was this, +I must say to the puddles that were in the horsepads, Be dry; and +to the dry places, Be you puddles: and truly one time I was going +to say so indeed; but just as I was about to speak, this thought +came into my mind; But go under yonder hedge and pray first, that +God would make you able. But when I had concluded to pray, this +came hot upon me; That if I prayed, and came again and tried to do +it, and yet did nothing notwithstanding, then to be sure I had no +faith, but was a cast-away, and lost; nay, thought I, if it be so, +I will not try yet, but will stay a little longer. + +52. So I continued at a great loss; for I thought, if they only +had faith, which could do so wonderful things, then I concluded, +that for the present I neither had it, nor yet for the time to +come, were ever like to have it. Thus I was tossed betwixt the +devil and my own ignorance, and so perplexed, especially at some +times, that I could not tell what to do. + +53. About this time, the state and happiness of these poor people +at Bedford was thus, in a kind of a vision, presented to me, I saw +as if they were on the sunny side of some high mountain, there +refreshing themselves with the pleasant beams of the sun, while I +was shivering and shrinking in the cold, afflicted with frost, snow +and dark clouds: methought also, betwixt me and them, I saw a wall +that did compass about this mountain, now through this wall my soul +did greatly desire to pass; concluding, that if I could, I would +even go into the very midst of them, and there also comfort myself +with the heat of their sun. + +54. About this wall I bethought myself, to go again and again, +still prying as I went, to see if I could find some way or passage, +by which I might enter therein: but none could I find for some +time: at the last, I saw, as it were, a narrow gap, like a little +door-way in the wall, through which I attempted to pass: Now the +passage being very strait and narrow, I made many offers to get in, +but all in vain, even until I was well-nigh quite beat out, by +striving to get in; at last, with great striving, methought I at +first did get in my head, and after that, by a sideling striving, +my shoulders, and my whole body; then I was exceeding glad, went +and sat down in the midst of them, and so was comforted with the +light and heat of their sun. + +55. Now this mountain, and wall, etc., was thus made out to me: +The mountain signified the church of the living God: the sun that +shone thereon, the comfortable shining of His merciful face on them +that were therein; the wall I thought was the word, that did make +separation between the Christians and the world; and the gap which +was in the wall, I thought, was Jesus Christ, Who is the way to God +the Father. John xiv. 6; Matt. vii. 14. But forasmuch as the +passage was wonderful narrow, even so narrow that I could not, but +with great difficulty, enter in thereat, it showed me, that none +could enter into life, but those that were in downright earnest, +and unless also they left that wicked world behind them; for here +was only room for body and soul, but not for body and soul and sin. + +56. This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days; all which +time I saw myself in a forlorn and sad condition, but yet was +provoked to a vehement hunger and desire to be one of that number +that did sit in the sunshine: Now also I should pray wherever I +was: whether at home or abroad; in house or field; and would also +often, with lifting up of heart, sing that of the fifty-first +Psalm, O Lord, consider my distress; for as yet I knew not where I +was. + +57. Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortable persuasion +that I had faith in Christ; but instead of having satisfaction +here, I began to find my soul to be assaulted with fresh doubts +about my future happiness; especially with such as these, whether I +was elected? But how, if the day of grace should now be past and +gone? + +58. By these two temptations I was very much afflicted and +disquieted; sometimes by one, and sometimes by the other of them. +And first, to speak of that about my questioning my election, I +found at this time, that though I was in a flame to find the way to +heaven and glory, and though nothing could beat me off from this, +yet this question did so offend and discourage me, that I was, +especially sometimes, as if the very strength of my body also had +been taken away by the force and power thereof. This scripture did +also seem to me to trample upon all my desires; It is not of him +that willeth, nor of him that runneth; but of God that showeth +mercy. Rom. ix. 16. + +59. With this scripture I could not tell what to do: for I +evidently saw, unless that the great God, of His infinite grace and +bounty, had voluntarily chosen me to be a vessel of mercy, though I +should desire, and long, and labour until my heart did break, no +good could come of it. Therefore this would stick with me, How can +you tell that you are elected? And what if you should not? How +then? + +60. O Lord, thought I, what if I should not indeed? It may be you +are not, said the Tempter; it may be so indeed, thought I. Why +then, said Satan, you had as good leave off, and strive no farther; +for if indeed, you should not be elected and chosen of God, there +is no talk of your being saved; For it is not of him that willeth, +nor of him that runneth; but of God that showeth mercy. + +61. By these things I was driven to my wits' end, not knowing what +to say, or how to answer these temptations: (indeed, I little +thought that Satan had thus assaulted me, but that rather it was my +own prudence thus to start the question): for that the elect only +attained eternal life; that, I without scruple did heartily close +withal; but that myself was one of them, there lay the question. + +62. Thus therefore, for several days, I was greatly assaulted and +perplexed, and was often, when I have been walking, ready to sink +where I went, with faintness in my mind; but one day, after I had +been so many weeks oppressed and cast down therewith as I was now +quite giving up the ghost of all my hopes of ever attaining life, +that sentence fell with weight upon my spirit, Look at the +generations of old, and see; did ever any trust in God, and were +confounded? + +63. At which I was greatly lightened, and encouraged in my soul; +for thus, at that very instant, it was expounded to me: Begin at +the beginning of Genesis, and read to the end of the Revelations, +and see if you can find, that there were ever any that trusted in +the Lord, and were confounded. So coming home, I presently went to +my Bible, to see if I could find that saying, not doubting but to +find it presently; for it was so fresh, and with such strength and +comfort on my spirit, that it was as if it talked with me. + +64. Well, I looked, but I found it not; only it abode upon me: +Then did I ask first this good man, and then another, if they knew +where it was, but they knew no such place. At this I wondered, +that such a sentence should so suddenly, and with such comfort and +strength, seize, and abide upon my heart; and yet that none could +find it (for I doubted not but that it was in holy scripture). + +65. Thus I continued above a year, and could not find the place; +but at last, casting my eye upon the Apocrypha books, I found it in +Ecclesiasticus, Eccles. ii. 10. This, at the first, did somewhat +daunt me; but because by this time I had got more experience of the +love and kindness of God, it troubled me the less, especially when +I considered that though it was not in those texts that we call +holy and canonical; yet forasmuch as this sentence was the sum and +substance of many of the promises, it was my duty to take the +comfort of it; and I bless God for that word, for it was of God to +me: that word doth still at times shine before my face. + +66. After this, that other doubt did come with strength upon me, +But how if the day of grace should be past and gone? How if you +have overstood the time of mercy? Now I remember that one day, as +I was walking in the country, I was much in the thoughts of this, +But how if the day of grace is past? And to aggravate my trouble, +the Tempter presented to my mind those good people of Bedford, and +suggested thus unto me, that these being converted already, they +were all that God would save in those parts; and that I came too +late, for these had got the blessing before I came. + +67. Now I was in great distress, thinking in very deed that this +might well be so; wherefore I went up and down, bemoaning my sad +condition; counting myself far worse than a thousand fools for +standing off thus long, and spending so many years in sin as I had +done; still crying out, Oh! that I had turned sooner! Oh! that I +had turned seven years ago! It made me also angry with myself, to +think that I should have no more wit, but to trifle away my time, +till my soul and heaven were lost. + +68. But when I had been long vexed with this fear, and was scarce +able to take one step more, just about the same place where I +received my other encouragement, these words broke in upon my mind, +Compel them to come in, that my house may be filled; and yet there +is room. Luke xiv. 22, 23. These words, but especially those, And +yet there is room, were sweet words to me; for truly I thought that +by them I saw there was place enough in heaven for me; and +moreover, that when the Lord Jesus did speak these words, He then +did think of me: and that He knowing that the time would come, +that I should be afflicted with fear, that there was no place left +for me in His bosom, did before speak this word, and leave it upon +record, that I might find help thereby against this vile +temptation. This I then verily believed. + +69. In the light and encouragement of this word I went a pretty +while; and the comfort was the more, when I thought that the Lord +Jesus should think on me so long ago, and that He should speak +those words on purpose for my sake; for I did think verily, that He +did on purpose speak them to encourage me withal. + +70. But I was not without my temptations to go back again; +temptations I say, both from Satan, mine own heart, and carnal +acquaintance; but I thank God these were outweighed by that sound +sense of death, and of the day of judgment, which abode, as it +were, continually in my view: I would often also think on +Nebuchadnezzar; of whom it is said, He had given him all the +kingdoms of the earth. Dan. v. 18, 19. Yet, thought I, if this +great man had all his portion in this world, one hour in hell-fire +would make him forget all. Which consideration was a great help to +me. + +71. I was also made, about this time, to see something concerning +the beasts that Moses counted clean and unclean: I thought those +beasts were types of men; the clean, types of them that were the +people of God; but the unclean, types of such as were the children +of the wicked one. Now I read, that the clean beasts chewed the +cud; that is, thought I, they show us, we must feed upon the word +of God: they also parted the hoof. I thought that signified, we +must part, if we would be saved, with the ways of ungodly men. And +also, in further reading about them, I found, that though we did +chew the cud, as the hare; yet if we walked with claws, like a dog; +or if we did part the hoof, like the swine, yet if we did not chew +the cud, as the sheep, we were still, for all that, but unclean: +for I thought the hare to be a type of those that talk of the word, +yet walk in the ways of sin; and that the swine was like him that +parted with his outward pollutions, but still wanteth the word of +faith, without which there could be no way of salvation, let a man +be never so devout. Deut. xiv. After this, I found by reading the +word, that those that must be glorified with Christ in another +world must be called by Him here; called to the partaking of a +share in His word and righteousness, and to the comforts and first- +fruits of His Spirit; and to a peculiar interest in all those +heavenly things, which do indeed prepare the soul for that rest, +and house of glory, which is in heaven above. + +72. Here again I was at a very I great stand, not knowing what to +do, fearing I was not called; for, thought I, if I be not called, +what then can do me good? None but those who are effectually +called inherit the kingdom of heaven. But oh! how I now loved +those words that spake of a Christian's calling! as when the Lord +said to one, Follow Me; and to another, Come after Me: and oh, +thought I, that He would say so to me too: how gladly would I run +after Him! + +73. I cannot now express with what longings and breathings in my +soul, I cried to Christ to call me. Thus I continued for a time, +all on a flame to be converted to Jesus Christ; and did also see at +that day, such glory in a converted state, that I could not be +contented without a share therein. Gold! could it have been gotten +for gold, what would I have given for it? Had I had a whole world, +it had all gone ten thousand times over for this, that my soul +might have been in a converted state. + +74. How lovely now was every one in my eyes, that I thought to be +converted men and women. They shone, they walked like a people +that carried the broad seal of heaven about them. Oh! I saw the +lot was fallen to them in pleasant places, and they had a goodly +heritage. Psalm xvi. But that which made me sick, was that of +Christ, in St Mark, He goeth up into a mountain, and calleth unto +Him whom He would, and they came unto Him. Mark iii. 13. + +75. This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it kindled fire in +my soul. That which made me fear, was this; lest Christ should +have no liking to me, for He called whom He would. But oh! the +glory that I saw in that condition, did still so engage my heart, +that I could seldom read of any that Christ did call, but I +presently wished, Would I had been in their clothes, would I had +been born Peter; would I had been born John; or, would I had been +by and had heard Him when He called them, how would I have cried, O +Lord, call me also! But, oh! I feared He would not call me. + +76. And truly, the Lord let me go thus many months together, and +shewed me nothing; either that I was already, or should be called +hereafter: but at last after much time spent, and many groans to +God, that I might be made partaker of the holy and heavenly +calling; that word came in upon me: I will cleanse their blood, +that I have not cleansed, for the Lord dwelleth in Zion. Joel iii. +21. These words I thought were sent to encourage me to wait still +upon God; and signified unto me, that if I were not already, yet +time might come, I might be in truth converted unto Christ. + +77. About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people +in Bedford, and to tell them my condition; which when they had +heard, they told Mr Gifford of me, who himself also took occasion +to talk with me, and was willing to be well persuaded of me, though +I think from little grounds: but he invited me to his house, where +I should hear him confer with others, about the dealings of God +with their souls; from all which I still received more conviction, +and from that time began to see something of the vanity and inward +wretchedness of my wicked heart; for as yet I knew no great matter +therein; but now it began to be discovered unto me, and also to +work at that rate as it never did before. Now I evidently found, +that lusts and corruptions put forth themselves within me, in +wicked thoughts and desires, which I did not regard before; my +desires also for heaven and life began to fail; I found also, that +whereas before my soul was full of longing after God, now it began +to hanker after every foolish vanity; yea, my heart would not be +moved to mind that which was good; it began to be careless, both of +my soul and heaven; it would now continually hang back, both to, +and in every duty; and was as a clog on the leg of a bird, to +hinder me from flying. + +78. Nay, thought I, now I grow worse and worse: now I am farther +from conversion than ever I was before. Wherefore I began to sink +greatly in my soul, and began to entertain such discouragement in +my heart, as laid me as low as hell. If now I should have burned +at the stake, I could not believe that Christ had love for me: +alas! I could neither hear Him, nor see Him, nor feel Him, nor +favour any of His things; I was driven as with a tempest, my heart +would be unclean, and the Canaanites would dwell in the land. + +79. Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God; +which, when they heard, they would pity me, and would tell me of +the promises; but they had as good have told me, that I must reach +the sun with my finger, as have bidden me receive or rely upon the +promises: and as soon I should have done it. All my sense and +feeling were against me; and I saw I had an heart that would sin, +and that lay under a law that would condemn. + +80. These things have often made me think of the child which the +father brought to Christ, who, while he was yet coming to Him, was +thrown down by the devil, and also so rent and torn by him, that he +lay down and wallowed, foaming. Luke ix. 42; Mark ix. 20. + +81. Further, in these days, I would find my heart to shut itself +up against the Lord, and against His holy word: I have found my +unbelief to set, as it were, the shoulder to the door, to keep Him +out; and that too even then, when I have with many a bitter sigh, +cried, Good Lord, break it open: Lord, break these gates of brass, +and cut these bars of iron asunder. Psalm cvii. 16. Yet that word +would sometimes create in my heart a peaceable pause, I girded +thee, though thou hast not known Me. Isaiah xlv. 5. + +82. But all this while, as to the act of sinning, I was never more +tender than now: my hinder parts were inward: I durst not take a +pin or stick, though but so big as a straw; for my conscience now +was sore, and would smart at every touch: I could not now tell how +to speak my words, for fear I should misplace them. Oh, how +gingerly did I then go, in all I did or said! I found myself as on +a miry bog, that shook if I did but stir, and was, as there, left +both of God and Christ, and the Spirit, and all good things. + +83. But I observed, though I was such a great sinner before +conversion, yet God never much charged the guilt of the sins of my +ignorance upon me; only He showed me, I was lost if I had not +Christ, because I had been a sinner: I saw that I wanted a perfect +righteousness to present me without fault before God, and this +righteousness was no where to be found, but in the Person of Jesus +Christ. + +84. But my original and inward pollution; That, that was my plague +and affliction, that I saw at a dreadful rate, always putting forth +itself within me; that I had the guilt of, to amazement; by reason +of that, I was more loathsome in mine own eyes than was a toad, and +I thought I was so in God's eyes too: Sin and corruption, I said, +would as naturally bubble out of my heart, as water would bubble +out of a fountain: I thought now, that every one had a better +heart than I had; I could have changed heart with any body; I +thought none but the devil himself could equalise me for inward +wickedness and pollution of mind. I fell therefore at the sight of +my own vileness deeply into despair; for I concluded, that this +condition that I was in, could not stand with a state of grace. +Sure, thought I, I am forsaken of God; sure, I am given up to the +devil, and to a reprobate mind: and thus I continued a long while, +even for some years together. + +85. While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own damnation, +there were two things would make me wonder; the one was, when I saw +old people hunting after the things of this life, as if they should +live here always: the other was, when I found professors much +distressed and cast down, when they met with outward losses; as of +husband, wife, child, etc. Lord, thought I, what a-do is here +about such little things as these! What seeking after carnal +things, by some, and what grief in others for the loss of them! if +they so much labour after, and shed so many tears for the things of +this present life, how am I to be bemoaned, pitied, and prayed for! +My soul is dying, my soul is damning. Were my soul but in a good +condition, and were I but sure of it, ah! how rich should I esteem +myself, though blessed but with bread and water! I should count +those but small afflictions, and should bear them as little +burthens. A wounded spirit who can bear! + +86. And though I was much troubled, and tossed, and afflicted, with +the sight and sense and terror of my own wickedness, yet I was +afraid to let this sight and sense go quite off my mind: that +unless guilt of conscience was taken off the right way, that is, by +the blood of Christ a man grew rather worse for the loss of his +trouble of mind, than better. Wherefore, if my guilt lay hard upon +me, then I should cry that the blood of Christ might take it off: +and if it was going off without it (for the sense of sin would be +sometimes as if it would die, and go quite away), then I would also +strive to fetch it upon my heart again, by bringing the punishment +of sin in hell fire upon my spirit; and should cry, Lord, let it +not go off my heart, but the right way, by the blood of Christ, and +the application of Thy mercy, through Him, to my soul, for that +scripture lay much upon me, without shedding of blood is no +remission. Heb. ix. 22. And that which made me the more afraid of +this, was, because I had seen some, who though when they were under +wounds of conscience, would cry and pray; yet seeking rather +present ease from their trouble, than pardon for their sin, cared +not how they lost their guilt, so they got it out of their mind: +now, having got it off the wrong way, it was not sanctified unto +them; but they grew harder and blinder, and more wicked after their +trouble. This made me afraid, and made me cry to God the more, +that it might not be so with me. + +87. And now I was sorry that God had made me man, for I feared I +was a reprobate; I counted man as unconverted, the most doleful of +all the creatures. Thus being afflicted and tossed about my sad +condition, I counted myself alone, and above the most of men +unblessed. + +88. Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I should attain to so +much goodness of heart, as to thank God that He had made me a man. +Man indeed is the most noble by creation, of all creatures in the +visible world; but by sin he has made himself the most ignoble. +The beasts, birds, fishes, etc. I blessed their condition; for +they had not a sinful nature; they were not obnoxious to the wrath +of God; they were not to go to hell-fire after death; I could +therefore have rejoiced, had my condition been as any of theirs. + +89. In this condition I went a great while, but when comforting +time was come, I heard one preach a sermon on these words in the +song, Song iv. 1, Behold, thou art fair, my love, behold, thou art +fair. But at that time he made these two words, my love, his chief +and subject matter: from which, after he had a little opened the +text, he observed these several conclusions: 1. That the church, +and so every saved soul, is Christ's love, when loveless. 2. +Christ's love without a cause. 3. Christ's love, when hated of the +world. 4. Christ's love, when under temptation and under +destruction. 5. Christ's love, from first to last. + +90. But I got nothing by what he said at present; only when he +came to the application of the fourth particular, this was the word +he said; If it be so, that the saved soul is Christ's love, when +under temptation and desertion; then poor tempted soul, when thou +art assaulted, and afflicted with temptations, and the hidings of +God's face, yet think on these two words, 'My love,' still. + +91. So as I was going home, these words came again into my +thoughts; and I well remember, as they came in, I said thus in my +heart, What shall I get by thinking on these two words? This +thought had no sooner passed through my heart, but these words +began thus to kindle in my spirit, Thou art My Love, thou art My +Dove, twenty times together; and still as they ran in my mind, they +waxed stronger and warmer, and began to make me look up; but being +as yet, between hope and fear, I still replied in my heart, But is +it true, but is it true? At which that sentence fell upon me, He +wist not that it was true, which was done by the Angel. Acts xii. +9. + +92. Then I began to give place to the word which with power, did +over and over make this joyful sound within my soul, 'Thou art my +Love, thou art My Love, and nothing shall separate thee from My +Love. And with that my heart was filled full of comfort and hope, +and now I could believe that my sins should be forgiven me; yea, I +was now so taken with the love and mercy of God, that I remember I +could not tell how to contain till I got home: I thought I could +have spoken of His love, and have told of His mercy to me, even to +the very crows, that sat upon the ploughed lands before me, had +they been capable to have understood me: wherefore I said in my +soul, with much gladness, Well, I would I had a pen and ink here, I +would write this down before I go any farther; for surely I will +not forget this forty years hence. But, alas! within less than +forty days I began to question all again; which made me begin to +question all still. + +93. Yet still at times I was helped to believe, that it was a true +manifestation of grace unto my soul, though I had lost much of the +life and favour of it. Now about a week or a fortnight after this +I was much followed by this scripture, Simon, Simon; behold, Satan +hath desired to have you, Luke xxii. 31, and sometimes it would +sound so loud within me, yea, and as it was, call so strongly after +me, that once, above all the rest, I turned my head over my +shoulder, thinking verily that some man had behind me, called me; +being at a great distance, methought he called so loud: it came, +as I have thought since, to have stirred me up to prayer, and to +watchfulness: it came to acquaint me, that a cloud and a storm was +coming down upon me: but I understood it not. + +94. Also, as I remember, that time that it called to me so loud, +was the last time that it sounded in mine ears; but me thinks I +hear still with what a loud voice these words, Simon, Simon, +sounded in mine ears. I thought verily, as I have told you, that +somebody had called after me, that was half a mile behind me: and +although that was not my name, yet it made me suddenly look behind +me, believing that he that called so loud, meant me. + +95. But so foolish was I, and ignorant, that I knew not the reason +of this sound; (which as I did both see and feel soon after, was +sent from heaven as an alarm, to awaken me to provide for what was +coming,) only I should muse and wonder in my mind, to think what +should be the reason of this scripture, and that at this rate, so +often and so loud, should still be sounding and rattling in mine +ears: but, as I said before, I soon after perceived the end of God +therein. + +96. For, about the space of a month after, a very great storm came +down upon me, which handled me twenty times worse than all I had +met with before; it came stealing upon me, now by one piece, then +by another: First, all my comfort was taken from me; then darkness +seized upon me; after which, whole floods of blasphemies, both +against God, Christ, and the scriptures, were poured upon my +spirit, to my great confusion and astonishment. These blasphemous +thoughts were such as stirred up questions in me against the very +being of God, and of His only beloved Son: As, whether there were +in truth, a God or Christ? And whether the holy scriptures were +not rather a fable, and cunning story, than the holy and pure word +of God? + +97. The tempter would also much assault me with this, How can you +tell but that the Turks had as good scriptures to prove their +Mahomet the Saviour, as we have to prove our Jesus is? And, could +I think, that so many ten thousands, in so many countries and +kingdoms, should be without the knowledge of the right way to +heaven, (if there were indeed a heaven); and that we only, who live +in a corner of the earth, should alone be blessed therewith? Every +one doth think his own religion rightest, both Jews and Moors, and +Pagans; and how if all our faith, and Christ, and scriptures, +should be but a think so too? + +98. Sometimes I have endeavoured to argue against these +suggestions, and to set some of the sentences of blessed Paul +against them; but alas! I quickly felt, when I thus did, such +arguings as these would return again upon me, Though we made so +great a matter of Paul, and of his words, yet how could I tell, but +that in very deed, he being a subtle and cunning man, might give +himself up to deceive with strong delusions: and also take the +pains and travel, to undo and destroy his fellows. + +99. These suggestions, (with many others which at this time I may +not, and dare not utter, neither by word or pen,) did make such a +seizure upon my spirit, and did so overweigh my heart, both with +their number, continuance, and fiery force, that I felt as if there +were nothing else but these from morning to night within me; and as +though indeed there could be room for nothing else; and also +concluded, that God had, in very wrath to my soul, given me up to +them, to be carried away with them, as with a mighty whirlwind. + +100. Only by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit, I felt +there was something in me that refused to embrace them. But this +consideration I then only had, when God gave me leave to swallow my +spittle; otherwise the noise, and strength, and force of these +temptations would drown and overflow, and as it were, bury all such +thoughts, or the remembrance of any such thing. While I was in +this temptation, I often found my mind suddenly put upon it to +curse and swear, or to speak some grievous thing against God, or +Christ His Son, and of the scriptures. + +101. Now I thought, surely I am possessed of the devil: at other +times, again, I thought I should be bereft of my wits; for instead +of lauding and magnifying God the Lord, with others, if I have but +heard Him spoken of, presently some most horrible blasphemous +thought or other would bolt out of my heart against Him; so that +whether I did think that God was, or again did think there was no +such thing, no love, nor peace, nor gracious disposition could I +feel within me. + +102. These things did sink me into very deep despair; for I +concluded that such things could not possibly be found amongst them +that loved God. I often, when these temptations had been with +force upon me, did compare myself to the case of such a child, whom +some gipsy hath by force took up in her arms, and is carrying from +friend and country. Kick sometimes I did, and also shriek and cry; +but yet I was bound in the wings of the temptation, and the wind +would carry me away. I thought also of Saul, and of the evil +spirit that did possess him: and did greatly fear that my +condition was the same with that of his. 1 Sam. x. + +103. In these days, when I have heard others talk of what was the +sin against the Holy Ghost, then would the tempter so provoke me to +desire to sin that against sin, that I was as if I could not, must +not, neither should be quiet until I had committed it; now no sin +would serve but that. If it were to be committed by speaking of +such a word, then I have been as if my mouth would have spoken that +word, whether I would or no; and in so strong a measure was this +temptation upon me, that often I have been ready to clap my hand +under my chin, to hold my mouth from opening; and to that end also, +I have had thoughts at other times, to leap with my head downward, +into some muckhill-hole or other, to keep my mouth from speaking. + +104. Now again I beheld the condition of the dog and toad, and +counted the estate of every thing that God had made, far better +than this dreadful state of mine, and such as my companions were. +Yea, gladly would I have been in the condition of a dog or horse: +for I knew they had no souls to perish under the everlasting weight +of hell, or sin, as mine was like to do. Nay, and though I saw +this, felt this, and was broken to pieces with it; yet that which +added to my sorrow was, I could not find, that with all my soul I +did desire deliverance. That scripture did also tear and rend my +soul in the midst of these distractions, The wicked are like the +troubled sea, when it cannot rest, whose waters cast up mire and +dirt. There is no peace, saith my God, to the wicked. Isa. lvii. +20, 21. + +105. And now my heart was, at times, exceeding hard; if I would +have given a thousand pounds for a tear, I could not shed one: no +nor sometimes scarce desire to shed one. I was much dejected, to +think that this would be my lot. I saw some could mourn and lament +their sin; and others again, could rejoice and bless God for +Christ; and others again, could quietly talk of, and with gladness +remember the word of God; while I only was in the storm or tempest. +This much sunk me, I thought my condition was alone, I should +therefore much bewail my hard hap, but get out of, or get rid of +these things, I could not. + +106. While this temptation lasted, which was about a year, I could +attend upon none of the ordinances of God, but with sore and great +affliction. Yea, then I was most distressed with blasphemies. If +I had been hearing the word, then uncleanness, blasphemies and +despair would hold me a captive there: if I have been reading, +then sometimes I had sudden thoughts to question all I read: +sometimes again, my mind would be so strangely snatched away, and +possessed with other things, that I have neither known, nor +regarded, nor remembered so much as the sentence that but now I +have read. + +107. In prayer also I have been greatly troubled at this time; +sometimes I have thought I have felt him behind me pulling my +clothes: he would be also continually at me in time of prayer, to +have done, break off, make haste, you have prayed enough, and stay +no longer; still drawing my mind away. Sometimes also he would +cast in such wicked thoughts as these; that I must pray to him, or +for him: I have thought sometimes of that, Fall down; or, if thou +wilt fall down and worship me. Matt. iii. 9. + +108. Also, when because I have had wandering thoughts in the time +of this duty, I have laboured to compose my mind, and fix it upon +God; then with great force hath the tempter laboured to distract +me, and confound me, and to turn away my mind, by presenting to my +heart and fancy, the form of a bush, a bull, a besom, or the like, +as if I should pray to these: To these he would also (at sometimes +especially) so hold my mind, that I was as if I could think of +nothing else, or pray to nothing else but to these, or such as +they. + +109. Yet at times I should have some strong and heart-affecting +apprehensions of God, and the reality of the truth of His gospel. +But, oh! how would my heart, at such times, put forth itself with +unexpressible groanings. My whole soul was then in every word; I +should cry with pangs after God, that He would be merciful unto me; +but then I should be daunted again with such conceits as these: I +should think that God did mock at these my prayers, saying, and +that in the audience of the holy angels, This poor simple wretch +doth hanker after Me, as if I had nothing to do with My mercy, but +to bestow it on such as he. Alas, poor soul! how art thou +deceived! It is not for such as thee to have favour with the +Highest. + +110. Then hath the tempter come upon me, also, with such +discouragements as these: You are very hot for mercy, but I will +cool you; this frame shall not last always: many have been as hot +as you for a spurt, but I have quenched their zeal (and with this, +such and such, who were fallen off, would be set before mine eyes). +Then I should be afraid that I should do so too: But, thought I, I +am glad this comes into my mind: well, I will watch, and take what +care I can. Though you do, said Satan, I shall be too hard for +you; I will cool you insensibly, by degrees, by little and little. +What care I, saith he, though I be seven years in chilling your +heart, if I can do it at last? Continual rocking will lull a +crying child asleep: I will ply it close, but I will have my end +accomplished. Though you be burning hot at present, I can pull you +from this fire; I shall have you cold before it be long. + +111. These things brought me into great straits; for as I at +present could not find myself fit for present death, so I thought, +to live long, would make me yet more unfit; for time would make me +forget all, and wear even the remembrance of the evil of sin, the +worth of heaven, and the need I had of the blood of Christ to wash +me, both out of mind and thought: but I thank Christ Jesus, these +things did not at present make me slack my crying, but rather did +put me more upon it (like her who met with adulterer, Deut. xxii. +26), in which days that was a good word to me, after I had suffered +these things a while:- I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, +etc., shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in +Christ Jesus our Lord. Rom. viii. 38, 39. And now I hoped long +life would not destroy me, nor make me miss of heaven. + +112. Yet I had some supports in this temptation, though they were +then all questioned by me; that in Jer. iii. at the first was +something to me; and so was the consideration of verse 5 of that +chapter; that though we have spoken and done as evil things as we +could, yet we should cry unto God, My Father, Thou art the Guide of +my youth, and shall return unto Him. + +113. I had, also, once a sweet glance from that in 2 Cor. v. 21: +For He hath made Him to be sin for us, Who knew no sin, that we +might be made the righteousness of God in Him. I remember that one +day, as I was sitting in a neighbour's house, and there very sad at +the consideration of my many blasphemies; and as I was saying in my +mind, What ground have I to say that, who have been so vile and +abominable, should ever inherit eternal life? That word came +suddenly upon me, What shall we say to these things? If God be for +us, who can be against us? Rom. viii. 31. That also was an help +unto me, Because I live, ye shall live also. John xiv. 19. But +these words were but hints, touches, and short visits, though very +sweet when present; only they lasted not; but, like to Peter's +sheet, of a sudden were caught up from me, to heaven again. Acts +x. 16. + +114. But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously +discover Himself unto me, and indeed, did quite, not only deliver +me from the guilt that, by these things was laid upon my +conscience, but also from the very filth thereof; for the +temptation was removed, and I was put into my right mind again, as +other Christians were. + +115. I remember that one day, as I was travelling into the +country, and musing on the wickedness and blasphemy of my heart, +and considering the enmity that was in me to God, that scripture +came into my mind, Having made peace through the blood of His +cross. Col. i. 20. By which I was made to see, both again and +again, that God and my soul were friends by His blood; yea, I saw +that the justice of God, and my sinful soul could embrace and kiss +each other, through His blood. This was a good day to me; I hope I +shall never forget it. + +116. At another time, as I sat by the fire in my house, and was +musing on my wretchedness, the Lord made that also a precious word +unto me, Forasmuch then as the children are partakers of flesh and +blood, He also Himself likewise took part of the same, that through +death He might destroy him that had the power of death, that is the +devil; and deliver those who through fear of death, were all their +lifetime subject to bondage. Heb. ii. 14, 15. I thought that the +glory of these words was then so weighty on me, that I was both +once and twice ready to swoon as I sate; yet not with grief and +trouble, but with solid joy and peace. + +117. At this time also I sate under of holy Mr Gifford, whose +doctrine, by God's grace, was much for my stability. This man made +it much his business to deliver the people of God from all those +false and unsound tests, that by nature we are prone to. He would +bid us take special heed, that we took not up any truth upon trust; +as from this, or that, or any other man or men; but to cry mightily +to God, that He would convince us of the reality thereof, and set +us down therein by His own Spirit in the holy word; For, said he, +if you do otherwise, when temptations come, if strongly, you not +having received them with evidence from heaven, will find you want +that help and strength now to resist, that once you thought you +had. + +118. This was as seasonable to my soul, as the former and latter +rains in their season (for I had found, and that by sad experience, +the truth of these his words: for I had felt no man can say, +especially when tempted by the devil, that Jesus Christ is Lord, +but by the Holy Ghost). Wherefore I found my soul, through grace, +very apt to drink in this doctrine, and to incline to pray to God, +that in nothing that pertained to God's glory, and my own eternal +happiness, He would suffer me to be without the confirmation +thereof from heaven; for now I saw clearly, there was an exceeding +difference betwixt the notion of the flesh and blood, and the +revelations of God in heaven: also a great difference betwixt that +faith that is feigned, and according to man's wisdom, and that +which comes by a man's being born thereto of God. Matt. xvi. 15; 1 +John v. 1. + +119. But, oh! now, how was my soul led from truth to truth by God! +Even from the birth and cradle of the Son of God, to His accession, +and second coming from heaven to judge the world! + +120. Truly, I then found, upon this account, the great God was +very good unto me; for, to my remembrance, there was not any thing +that I then cried unto God to make known, and reveal unto me, but +He was pleased to do it for me; I mean, not one part of the gospel +of the Lord Jesus, but I was orderly led into it: methought I saw +with great evidence, from the relation of the four evangelists, the +wonderful work of God, in giving Jesus Christ to save us, from His +conception and birth, even to His second coming to judgment: +methought I was as if I had seen Him born, as if I had seen Him +grow up; as if I had seen Him walk through this world, from the +cradle to the cross; to which also, when He came, I saw how gently +He gave Himself to be hanged, and nailed on it for my sins and +wicked doings. Also as I was musing on this His progress, that +dropped on my spirit, He was ordained for the slaughter. 1 Peter +i. 12, 20. + +121. When I have considered also the truth of His resurrection, +and have remembered that word, Touch Me not, Mary, etc., I have +seen as if He had leaped out of the grave's mouth, for joy that He +was risen again, and had got the conquest over our dreadful foes. +John xx. 17. I have also in the spirit, seen Him a man, on the +right hand of God the Father for me; and have seen the manner of +His coming from heaven, to judge the world with glory, and have +been confirmed in these things by these scriptures following, Acts +i. 9, 10, and vii. 56, and x. 42; Heb. vii. 24 and ix. 28; Rev. i. +18; 1 Thess. iv. 17, 18. + +112. Once I was troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus was man as +well as God, and God as well as man: and truly, in those days, let +men say what they would, unless I had it with evidence from heaven, +all was nothing to me; I counted myself not set down in any truth +of God. Well, I was much troubled about this point, and could not +tell how to be resolved; at last, that in Rev. v. 6 came into my +mind: And I beheld, and, to, in the midst of the throne, and of +the four beasts, and in the midst of the elders, stood a Lamb, as +it had been slain. In the midst of the throne, thought I, there is +the Godhead; in the midst of the elders, there is His manhood; but, +oh! methought this did glister! It was a goodly touch, and gave me +sweet satisfaction. That other scripture also did help me much in +this, For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given; and the +government shall be upon His shoulder: and His name shall be +called Wonderful, Counsellor, the Mighty God, the Everlasting +Father, the Prince of Peace, etc. Isa. ix. 6. + +123. Also besides these teachings of God in His word, the Lord +made use of two things to confirm me in this truth; the one was the +errors of the Quakers and the other was the guilt of sin; for as +the Quakers did oppose this truth, so God did the more confirm me +in it, by leading me into the scripture that did wonderfully +maintain it. + +124. The errors that this people then maintained, were:- + +'1. That the holy scriptures were not the word of God. + +'2. That every man in the world had the spirit of Christ, grace, +faith, etc. + +'3. That Christ Jesus, as crucified, and dying sixteen hundred +years ago, did not satisfy divine justice for the sins of the +people. + +'4. That Christ's flesh and blood were within the saints. + +'5. That the bodies of the good and bad that are buried in the +church-yard, shall not arise again. + +'6. That the resurrection is past with good men already. + +'7. That that man Jesus, that was crucified between two thieves, +on mount Calvary, in the land of Canaan, by Jerusalem, was not +ascended above the starry heavens. + +'8. That He should not, even the same Jesus that died by the hands +of the Jews, come again at the last day; and as man, judge all +nations,' etc. + +125. Many more vile and abominable things were in those days +fomented by them, by which I was driven to a more narrow search of +the scriptures, and was through their light and testimony, not only +enlightened, but greatly confirmed and comforted in the truth: +And, as I said, the guilt of sin did help me much; for still as +that would come upon me, the blood of Christ did take it off again, +and again, and again; and that too sweetly, according to the +scripture. O friends! cry to God to reveal Jesus Christ unto you; +there is none teacheth like Him. + +126. It would be too long here to stay, to tell you in particular, +how God did set me down in all the things of Christ, and how He +did, that He might so do, lead me into His words; yea, and also how +He did open them unto me, and make them shine before me, and cause +them to dwell with me, talk with me, and comfort me over and over, +both of His own being, and the being of His Son, and Spirit, and +word, and gospel. + +127. Only this, as I said before, I will say unto you again, that +in general, He was pleased to take this course with me; first, to +suffer me to be afflicted with temptations concerning them, and +then reveal them unto me; as sometimes I should lie under great +guilt for sin, even crushed to the ground therewith; and then the +Lord would show me the death of Christ; yea, so sprinkle my +conscience with His blood, that I should find, and that before I +was aware, that in that conscience, where but just now did reign +and rage the law, even there would rest and abide the peace and +love of God, through Christ. + +128. Now I had an evidence, as I thought, of my salvation, from +heaven, with many golden seals thereon, all hanging in my sight. +Now could I remember this manifestation, and the other discovery of +grace, with comfort; and should often long and desire that the last +day were come, that I might be for ever inflamed with the sight, +and joy, and communion of Him, Whose head was crowned with thorns, +Whose face was spit upon, and body broken, and soul made an +offering for my sins. For whereas before I lay continually +trembling at the mouth of hell, now methought I was got so far +therefrom, that I could not, when I looked back, scarce discern it! +And oh! thought I, that I were fourscore years old now, that I +might die quickly, that my soul might be gone to rest. + +129. But before I had got thus far out of these my temptations, I +did greatly long to see some ancient godly man's experience, who +had writ some hundreds of years before I was born; for those who +had writ in our days, I thought (but I desire them now to pardon +me) that they had writ only that which others felt; or else had, +through the strength of their wits and parts, studied to answer +such objections as they perceived others were perplexed with, +without going down themselves into the deep. Well, after many such +longings in my mind, the God, in Whose hands are all our days and +ways, did cast into my hand (one day) a book of Martin Luther's; it +was his Comment on the Galatians; it also was so old, that it was +ready to fall piece from piece if I did but turn it over. Now I +was pleased much that such an old book had fallen into my hand, the +which when I had but a little way perused, I found my condition in +his experience so largely and profoundly handled, as if his book +had been written out of my heart. This made me marvel: for thus +thought I, This man could not know any thing of the state of +Christians now, but must needs write and speak the experience of +former days. + +130. Besides, he doth most gravely also in that book, debate of +the rise of these temptations, namely, blasphemy, desperation, and +the like; showing that the law of Moses, as well as the devil, +death, and hell, hath a very great hand therein: the which, at +first, was very strange to me; but considering and watching, I +found it so indeed. But of particulars here, I intend nothing; +only this methinks I must let fall before all men--I do prefer this +book of Martin Luther upon the Galatians (excepting the Holy Bible) +before all the books that ever I had seen, as most fit for a +wounded conscience. + +131. And now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christ dearly: +Oh! methought my soul cleaved unto Him, my affections cleaved unto +Him; I felt love to Him as hot as fire; and now, as Job said, I +thought I should die in my nest; but I did quickly find, that my +great love was but little; and that I, who had, as I thought, such +burning love to Jesus Christ, could let Him go again for a very +trifle,--God can tell how to abase us, and can hide pride from man. +Quickly after this my love was tried to purpose. + +132. For after the Lord had, in this manner, thus graciously +delivered me from this great and sore temptation, and had set me +down so sweetly in the faith of His holy gospel, and had given me +such strong consolation and blessed evidence from heaven, touching +my interest in His love through Christ; the tempter came upon me +again, and that with a more grievous and dreadful temptation than +before. + +133. And that was, To sell and part with this most blessed Christ, +to exchange Him for the things of this life, for any thing. The +temptation lay upon me for the space of a year, and did follow me +so continually, that I was not rid of it one day in a month: no, +not sometimes one hour in many days together, unless when I was +asleep. + +134. And though, in my judgment, I was persuaded, that those who +were once effectually in Christ (as I hoped, through His grace, I +had seen myself) could never lose Him for ever; The land shall not +be sold for ever, for the land is mine, saith God. Lev. xxv. 23. +Yet it was a continual vexation to me, to think that I should have +so much as one such thought within me against a Christ, a Jesus, +that had done for me as He had done; and yet then I had almost none +others, but such blasphemous ones. + +135. But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet any +desire and endeavour to resist, that in the least did shake or +abate the continuation or force and strength thereof; for it did +always, in almost whatever I thought, intermix itself therewith, in +such sort, that I could neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop +a stick, or cast mine eye to look on this or that, but still the +temptation would come, Sell Christ for this, or sell Christ for +that; sell Him, sell Him. + +136. Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so little as a +hundred times together, Sell Him, sell Him, sell Him: against +which, I may say, for whole hours together, I have been forced to +stand as continually leaning and forcing my spirit against it, lest +haply, before I were aware, some wicked thought might arise in my +heart, that might consent thereto; and sometimes the tempter would +make me believe I had consented to it; but then I should be, as +tortured upon a rack for whole days together. + +137. This temptation did put me to such scares, lest I should at +some times, I say, consent thereto, and be overcome therewith, that +by the very force of my mind, in labouring to gainsay and resist +this wickedness, my very body would be put into action or motion, +by way of pushing or thrusting with my hands or elbows; still +answering, as fast as the destroyer said, Sell Him; I will not, I +will not, I will not, I will not; no, not for thousands, thousands, +thousands of worlds: thus reckoning, lest I should, in the midst +of these assaults, set too low a value on Him; even until I scarce +well knew where I was, or how to be composed again. + +138. At these seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet; +but, forsooth, when I was set at the table at my meat, I must go +hence to pray; I must leave my food now, just now, so counterfeit +holy also would this devil be. When I was thus tempted, I would +say in myself, Now I am at meat; let me make an end. NO, said he, +you must do it now, or you will displease God, and despise Christ. +Wherefore I was much afflicted with these things; and because of +the sinfulness of my nature (imagining that these were impulses +from God), I should deny to do it, as if I denied God, and then +should I be as guilty, because I did not obey a temptation of the +devil, as if I had broken the law of God indeed. + +139. But to be brief: one morning as I did lie in my bed, I was, +as at other times, most fiercely assaulted with this temptation, To +sell and part with Christ; the wicked suggestion still running in +my mind, Sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, as fast +as a man could speak: against which also, in my mind, as at other +times, I answered, No, no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands, +at least twenty times together: but at last, after much striving, +even until I was almost out of breath, I felt this thought pass +through my heart, Let Him go, if He will; and I thought also, that +I felt my heart freely consent thereto. Oh! the diligence of +Satan! Oh! the desperateness of man's heart! + +140. Now was the battle won, and down fell I as a bird that is +shot from the top of a tree, into great guilt, and fearful despair. +Thus getting out of my bed, I went moping into the field; but God +knows, with as heavy a heart as mortal man, I think, could bear; +where for the space of two hours, I was like a man bereft of life; +and, as now, past all recovery, and bound over to eternal +punishment. + +141. And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul: Or +profane persons as Esau, who for one morsel of meat, sold his +birthright: for ye know, how that afterward, when he would have +inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place of +repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. Heb. xii. +16, 17. + +142. Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut up unto the +judgment to come; nothing now, for two years together, would abide +with me, but damnation, and an expectation of damnation: I say, +nothing now would abide with me but this, save some few moments for +relief, as in the sequel you will see. + +143. These words were to my soul, like fetters of brass to my +legs, in the continual sound of which I went for several months +together. But about ten or eleven o'clock on that day, as I was +walking under an hedge (full of sorrow and guilt, God knows), and +bemoaning myself for this hard hap, that such a thought should +arise within me, suddenly this sentence rushed in upon me, The +blood of Christ remits all guilt. At this I made a stand in my +spirit: with that this word took hold upon me, The blood of Jesus +Christ His Son, cleanseth us from all sin. 1 John i. 7. + +144. Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, and methought I +saw, as if the tempter did leer and steal away from me, as being +ashamed of what he had done. At the same time also I had my sin, +and the blood of Christ, thus represented to me, That my sin, when +compared to the blood of Christ, was no more to it, than this +little clod or stone before me, is to this vast and wide field that +here I see. This gave me good encouragement for the space of two +or three hours; in which time also, methought, I saw, by faith, the +Son of God, as suffering for my sins: but because it tarried not, +I therefore sunk in my spirit, under exceeding guilt again. + +145. But chiefly by the aforementioned scripture concerning Esau's +selling of his birthright; for that scripture would lie all day +long, all the week long, yea, all the year long in my mind, and +hold me down, so that I could by no means lift up myself; for when +I would strive to turn to this scripture or that, for relief, still +that sentence would be sounding in me; For ye know, how that +afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he found no +place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. + +146. Sometimes, indeed, I should have a touch from that in Luke +xxii. 31, I have prayed for thee that thy faith fail not; but it +would not abide upon me; neither could I, indeed, when I considered +my state, find ground to conceive in the least, that there should +be the root of that grace in me, having sinned as I had done. Now +was I tore and rent in an heavy case for many days together. + +147. Then began I with sad and careful heart to consider of the +nature and largeness of my sin, and to search into the word of God, +if I could in any place espy a word of promise, or any encouraging +sentence, by which I might take relief. Wherefore I began to +consider that of Mark iii. 28: All sins shall be forgiven unto the +sons of men, and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme. +Which place, methought at a blush, did contain a large and glorious +promise for the pardon of high offences; but considering the place +more fully, I thought it was rather to be understood, as relating +more chiefly to those who had, while in a natural estate, committed +such things as there are mentioned; but not to me, who had not only +received light and mercy, but that had both after, and also +contrary to that, so slighted Christ as I had done. + +148. I feared, therefore, that this wicked sin of mine, might be +that sin unpardonable, of which He there thus speaketh. But he +that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost, hath never +forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation. Mark iii. 29. +And I did the rather give credit to this, because of that sentence +in the Hebrews: For you know how that afterwards, when he would +have inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place +of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. And this +stuck always with me. + +149. And now was I both a burthen and a terror to myself; nor did +I ever so know, as now, what it was to be weary of my life, and yet +afraid to die. Oh! how gladly now would I have been anybody but +myself! anything but a man, and in any condition but my own! For +there was nothing did pass more frequently over my mind, than that +it was impossible for me to be forgiven my transgression, and to be +saved from the wrath to come. + +150. And now I began to call again time that was spent; wishing a +thousand times twice told, that the day was yet to come when I +should be tempted to such a sin; concluding with great indignation, +both against my heart, and all assaults, how I would rather have +been torn in pieces, than be found a consenter thereto. But alas! +these thoughts, and wishings, and resolvings were now too late to +help me; this thought had passed my heart, God hath let me go, and +I am fallen. Oh! thought I, that it were with me as in months +past, as in the days when God preserved me! Job xxix. 2. + +151. Then again, being loth and unwilling to perish, I began to +compare my sin with others to see if I could find that any of those +that were saved, had done as I had done. So I considered David's +adultery, and murder, and found them most heinous crimes; and those +too committed after light and grace received: but yet by +considering that his transgressions were only such as were against +the law of Moses, from which the Lord Christ could, with the +consent of His word, deliver him: but mine was against the gospel; +yea, against the Mediator thereof; I had sold my Saviour. + +152. Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel, when I +considered, that, besides the guilt that possessed me, I should be +so void of grace, so bewitched. What, thought I, must it be no sin +but this? Must it needs be the great transgression? Ps. xix. 13. +Must that wicked one touch my soul? 1 John v. 18. Oh! what sting +did I find in all these sentences? + +153. What, thought I, is there but one sin that is unpardonable? +but one sin that layeth the soul without the reach of God's mercy; +and must I be guilty of that? must it needs be that? Is there but +one sin among so many millions of sins, for which there is no +forgiveness; and must I commit this? Oh! unhappy sin! Oh! unhappy +man! These things would so break and confound my spirit, that I +could not tell what to do; I thought at times, they would have +broke my wits; and still, to aggravate my misery, that would run in +my mind, You know, how, that afterwards, when he would have +inherited the blessing, he was rejected. Oh! no one knows the +terrors of those days but myself. + +154. After this I began to consider of Peter's sin, which he +committed in denying his Master: and indeed, this came nighest to +mine of any that I could find, for he had denied his Saviour, as I, +after light and mercy received; yea, and that too, after warning +given him. I also considered, that he did it both once and twice; +and that, after time to consider betwixt. But though I put all +these circumstances together, that, if possible I might find help, +yet I considered again, that his was but a denial of his Master, +but mine was, a selling of my Saviour. Wherefore I thought with +myself, that I came nearer to Judas, than either to David or Peter. + +155. Here again my torment would flame out and afflict me; yea, it +would grind me, as it were to powder, to consider the preservation +of God towards others, while I fell into the snare; for in my thus +considering of other men's sins, and comparing them with mine own, +I could evidently see, God preserved them, notwithstanding their +wickedness, and would not let them, as He had let me, become a son +of perdition. + +156. But oh! how did my soul at this time prize the preservation +that God did set about His people! Ah, how safely did I see them +walk, whom God had hedged in! They were within His care, +protection, and special providence: though they were full as bad +as I by nature; yet because He loved them, He would not suffer them +to fall without the range of mercy: but as for me, I was gone, I +had done it: He would not preserve me, nor keep me; but suffered +me, because I was a reprobate, to fall as I had done. Now did +those blessed places that speak of God's keeping His people, shine +like the sun before me, though not to comfort me, yet to show me +the blessed state and heritage of those whom the Lord had blessed. + +157. Now I saw, that as God had His hand in all the providences +and dispensations that overtook His elect; so He had His hand in +all the temptations that they had to sin against Him; not to +animate them to wickedness, but to choose their temptations and +troubles for them; and also to leave them for a time, to such sins +only that might not destroy, but humble them; as might not put them +beyond, but lay them in the way of the renewing His mercy. But oh! +what love, what care, what kindness and mercy did I now see, mixing +itself with the most severe and dreadful of all God's ways to His +people! He would let David, Hezekiah, Solomon, Peter, and others, +fall; but He would not let them fall into sin unpardonable, nor +into hell for sin. Oh! thought I, these be the men that God hath +loved; these be the men that God, though He chastiseth them, keeps +them in safety by Him; and them whom He makes to abide under the +shadow of the Almighty. But all these thoughts added sorrow, +grief, and horror to me, as whatever I now thought on, it was +killing to me. If I thought how God kept His own, that was killing +to me; if I thought of how I was fallen myself, that was killing to +me. As all things wrought together for the best, and to do good to +them that were the called, according to His purpose, so I thought +that all things wrought for my damage, and for my eternal +overthrow. + +158. Then again I began to compare my sin with the sin of Judas, +that, if possible, I might find if mine differed from that, which +in truth is unpardonable: and oh! thought I, if it should differ +from it, though but the breadth of an hair, what a happy condition +is my soul in! And by considering, I found that Judas did this +intentionally, but mine was against my prayer and strivings: +besides, his was committed with much deliberation, but mine in a +fearful hurry, on a sudden: all this while I was tossed to and fro +like the locusts, and driven from trouble to sorrow; hearing always +the sound of Esau's fall in mine ears, and the dreadful +consequences thereof. + +159. Yet this consideration about Judas's sin was, for awhile, +some little relief to me; for I saw I had not, as to the +circumstances, transgressed so fully as he. But this was quickly +gone again, for I thought with myself, there might be more ways +than one to commit this unpardonable sin; also I thought there +might be degrees of that, as well as of other transgressions; +wherefore, for aught I yet could perceive, this iniquity of mine +might be such, as might never be passed by. + +160. I was often now ashamed that I should be like such an ugly +man as Judas: I thought also how loathsome I should be unto all +the saints at the day of judgment: insomuch that now I could +scarce see a good man, that I believed had a good conscience, but I +should feel my heart tremble at him, while I was in his presence. +Oh! now I saw a glory in walking with God, and what a mercy it was +to have a good conscience before Him. + +161. I was much about that time tempted to content myself by +receiving some false opinion; as, that there should be no such +thing as a day of judgment; that we should not rise again; and that +sin was no such grievous thing: the tempter suggesting thus: For +if these things should indeed be true, yet to believe otherwise +would yield you ease for the present. If you must perish, never +torment yourself so much beforehand: drive the thoughts of damning +out of your mind, by possessing your mind with some such +conclusions that Atheists and Ranters use to help themselves +withal. + +162. But oh! when such thoughts have led through my heart, how, as +it were, within a step, hath death and judgment been in my view! +methought the judge stood at the door; I was as if it was come +already; so that such things could have no entertainment. But +methinks, I see by this, that Satan will use any means to keep the +soul from Christ; he loveth not an awakened frame of spirit; +security, blindness, darkness, and error, is the very kingdom and +habitation of the wicked one. + +163. I found it a hard work now to pray to God, because despair +was swallowing me up; I thought I was as with a tempest driven away +from God; for always when I cried to God for mercy, this would come +in, 'Tis too late, I am lost, God hath let me fall; not to my +correction, but condemnation: my sin is unpardonable; and I know, +concerning Esau, how that after he had sold his birthright, be +would have received the blessing, but was rejected. About this +time I did light on that dreadful story of that miserable mortal +Francis Spira; a book that was to my troubled spirit, as salt, when +rubbed into a fresh wound: every sentence in that book, every +groan of that man, with all the rest of his actions in his dolours, +as his tears, his prayers, his gnashing of teeth, his wringing of +hands, his twining and twisting, and languishing, and pining away +under that mighty hand of God that was upon him, were as knives and +daggers in my soul; especially that sentence of his was frightful +to me, Man knows the beginning of sin? but who bounds the issues +thereof? Then would the former sentence, as the conclusion of all, +fall like an hot thunderbolt again upon my conscience; For you know +how that afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he +was rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought +it carefully with tears. + +164. Then should I be struck into a very great trembling, insomuch +that at sometimes I could, for whole days together, feel my very +body, as well as my mind, to shake and totter under the sense of +this dreadful judgment of God, that should fall on those that have +sinned that most fearful and unpardonable sin. I felt also such a +clogging and heat at my stomach, by reason of this my terror, that +I was, especially at some times, as if my breast-bone would split +asunder; then I thought of that concerning Judas, who by falling +headlong, he burst asunder in the midst, and all his bowels gushed +out. Acts i. 18. + +165. I feared also that this was the mark that the Lord did set on +Cain, even continual fear and trembling, under the heavy load of +guilt that he had charged on him for the blood of his brother Abel. +Thus did I wind, and twine, and shrink under the burthen that was +upon me; which burthen also did so oppress me, that I could neither +stand, nor go, nor lie, either at rest or quiet. + +166. Yet that saying would sometimes come into my mind, He hath +received gifts for the rebellious. Psalm lxviii. 18. The +rebellious, thought I! why surely they are such as once were under +subjection to their Prince; even those who after they have sworn +subjection to His government, have taken up arms against Him; and +this, thought I, is my very condition: I once loved Him, feared +Him, served Him; but now I am a rebel; I have sold Him, I have +said, Let Him go, if He will; but yet He has gifts for rebels; and +then why not for me? + +167. This sometimes I thought on, and should labour to take hold +thereof, that some, though small refreshment, might have been +conceived by me; but in this also I missed of my desire; I was +driven with force beyond it; I was like a man going to execution, +even by that place where he would fain creep in and hide himself, +but may not. + +168. Again, after I had thus considered the sins of the saints in +particular, and found mine went beyond them, then I began to think +with myself, Set the case I should put all theirs together, and +mine alone against them, might I not then find some encouragement? +for if mine, though bigger than any one, yet should be but equal to +all, then there is hopes; for that blood that hath virtue enough in +it to wash away all theirs, had virtue enough in it to do away +mine, though this one be full as big, if not bigger than all +theirs. Here again, I should consider the sin of David, of +Solomon, of Manasseh, of Peter, and the rest of the great +offenders; and should also labour, what I might with fairness, to +aggravate and heighten their sins by several circumstances. + +169. I should think with myself that David shed blood to cover his +adultery, and that by the sword of the children of Ammon; a work +that could not be done, but by continuance, deliberate contrivance, +which was a great aggravation to his sin. But then this would turn +upon me: Ah! but these were but sins against the law, from which +there was a Jesus sent to save them; but yours is a sin against the +Saviour, and who shall save you from that? + +170. Then I thought on Solomon, and how he sinned in loving +strange women, falling away to their idols, in building them +temples, in doing this after light, in his old age, after great +mercy received: but the same conclusion that cut me off in the +former consideration, cut me off as to this; namely, that all those +were but sins against the law, for which God had provided a remedy; +but I had sold my Saviour, and there remained no more sacrifice for +sin. + +171. I would then add to these men's sins, the sins of Manasseh; +how that he built altars for idols in the house of the Lord; he +also observed times, used enchantments, had to do with wizards, was +a wizard, had his familiar spirits, burned his children in the fire +in sacrifice to devils, and made the streets of Jerusalem run down +with the blood of innocents. These, thought I, are great sins, +sins of a bloody colour, but yet it would turn again upon me, They +are none of them of the nature of yours; you have parted with +Jesus, you have sold your Saviour. + +172. This one consideration would always kill my heart, my sin was +point blank against my Saviour; and that too, at that height, that +I had in my heart said of Him, Let Him go, if He will. Oh! +methought this sin was bigger than the sins of a country, of a +kingdom, or of the whole world, no one pardonable; nor all of them +together, was able to equal mine; mine out-went them every one. + +173. Now I should find my mind to flee from God, as from the face +of a dreadful judge, yet this was my torment, I could not escape +His hand: (It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the +living God. Hebrew x.) But, blessed be His grace, that scripture, +in these flying fits, would call, as running after me, I have +blotted out, as a thick cloud, thy transgressions; and as a cloud, +thy sins: return unto Me, for I have redeemed thee. Isaiah xliv. +22. This, I say, would come in upon my mind, when I was fleeing +from the face of God; for I did flee from His face; that is, my +mind and spirit fled before Him; by reason of His highness, I could +not endure: then would the text cry, Return unto Me; it would cry +aloud with a very great voice, Return unto Me, for I have redeemed +thee. Indeed, this would make me make a little stop, and, as it +were, look over my shoulder behind me, to see if I could discern +that the God of grace did follow me with a pardon in His hand; but +I could no sooner do that, but all would be clouded and darkened +again by that sentence, For you know, how that afterwards, when he +would have inherited the blessing, he found no place of repentance, +though he sought it carefully with tears. Wherefore I could not +refrain, but fled, though at some times it cried, Return, return, +as if it did hollow after me: but I feared to close in therewith, +lest it should not come from God; for that other, as I said, was +still sounding in my conscience, For you know that afterwards, when +he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected, etc. + +174. Once as I was walking to and fro in a good man's shop, +bemoaning of myself in my sad and doleful state, afflicting myself +with self-abhorrence for this wicked and ungodly thought; lamenting +also this hard hap of mine for that I should commit so great a sin, +greatly fearing that I should not be pardoned; praying also in my +heart, that if this sin of mine did differ from that against the +Holy Ghost, the Lord would show it me. And being now ready to sink +with fear, suddenly there was, as if there had rushed in at the +window, the noise of wind upon me, but very pleasant, and as if I +heard a voice speaking, Did'st thou ever refuse to be justified by +the blood of Christ? and withal, my whole life of profession past, +was in a moment opened to me, wherein I was made to see, that +designedly I had not: so my heart answered groaningly, No. Then +fell, with power, that word of God upon me, See that ye refuse not +Him that speaketh. Hebrew xii. 25. This made a strange seizure +upon my spirit; it brought light with it, and commanded a silence +in my heart, of all those tumultuous thoughts, that did before use, +like masterless hell-hounds, to roar and bellow, and make an +hideous noise within me. It showed me also that Jesus Christ had +yet a word of grace and mercy for me, that He had not, as I had +feared, quite forsaken and cast off my soul; yea, this was a kind +of chide for my proneness to desperation; a kind of threatening of +me, if I did not, notwithstanding my sins, and the heinousness of +them, venture my salvation upon the Son of God. But as to my +determining about this strange dispensation, what it was, I know +not; or from whence it came, I know not; I have not yet in twenty +years' time been able to make a judgment of it; I thought then what +here I should be loth to speak. But verily that sudden rushing +wind was, as if an angel had come upon me; but both it, and the +salutation, I will leave until the day of judgment: only this I +say, it commanded a great calm in my soul; it persuaded me there +might be hope: it showed me, as I thought, what the sin +unpardonable was, and that my soul had yet the blessed privilege to +flee to Jesus Christ for mercy. But I say, concerning this +dispensation; I know not yet what to say unto it; which was also, +in truth, the cause, that at first I did not speak of it in the +book; I do now also leave it to be thought on by men of sound +judgment. I lay not the stress of my salvation thereupon, but upon +the Lord Jesus, in the promise; yet seeing I am here unfolding of +my secret things, I thought it might not be altogether inexpedient +to let this also show itself, though I cannot now relate the matter +as there I did experience it. This lasted in the savour of it for +about three or four days, and then I began to mistrust, and to +despair again. + +175. Wherefore still my life hung in doubt before me, not knowing +which way I should tip; only this I found my soul desire, even to +cast itself at the foot of grace, by prayer and supplication. But +oh! 'twas hard for me now, to have the face to pray to this Christ +for mercy, against Whom I had thus most vilely sinned: 'twas hard +work, I say, to offer to look Him in the face, against Whom I had +so vilely sinned; and indeed, I have found it as difficult to come +to God by prayer, after backsliding from Him, as to do any other +thing. Oh! the shame that did now attend me! especially when I +thought, I am now a-going to pray to Him for mercy, that I had so +lightly esteemed but a while before! I was ashamed; yea, even +confounded, because this villany had been committed by me: but I +saw that there was but one way with me; I must go to Him, and +humble myself unto Him, and beg that He, of His wonderful mercy, +would show pity to me, and have mercy upon my wretched sinful soul. + +176. Which, when the tempter perceived, he strongly suggested to +me, That I ought not to pray to God, for prayer was not for any in +my case; neither could it do me good, because I had rejected the +Mediator, by Whom all prayers came with acceptance to God the +Father; and without Whom, no prayer could come into His presence: +wherefore now to pray, is but to add sin to sin; yea, now to pray, +seeing God has cast you off, is the next way to anger and offend +Him more than you ever did before. + +177. For God (saith he) hath been weary of you for these several +years already, because you are none of His; your bawlings in His +ears, hath been no pleasant voice to Him; and therefore He let you +sin this sin, that you might be quite cut off; and will you pray +still? This the devil urged, and set forth that in Numbers, when +Moses said to the children of Israel, That because they would not +go up to possess the land, when God would have them, therefore for +ever after He did bar them out from thence, though they prayed they +might with tears. Numbers xiv. 36, 37, etc. + +178. As it is said in another place, Exodus xxi. 14, The man that +sins presumptuously shall be taken from God's altar, that he may +die; even as Joab was by King Solomon, when he thought to find +shelter there. 1 Kings ii. 27, 28, etc. These places did pinch me +very sore; yet my case being desperate, I thought with myself, I +can but die; and if it must be so, it shall once be said, That such +an one died at the foot of Christ in prayer. This I did, but with +great difficulty, God doth know; and that because, together with +this, still that saying about Esau would be set at my heart, even +like a flaming sword, to keep the way of the tree of life, lest I +should take thereof and live. Oh! who knows how hard a thing I +found it, to come to God in prayer! + +179. I did also desire the prayers of the people of God for me, +but I feared that God would give them no heart to do it; yea I +trembled in my soul to think, that some or other of them would +shortly tell me, that God hath said those words to them, that He +once did say to the prophet concerning the children of Israel, Pray +not for this people, for I have rejected them. Jeremiah xi. 14. +So, Pray not for him, for I have rejected him, yea, I thought that +He had whispered this to some of them already, only they durst not +tell me so; neither durst I ask them of it, for fear if it should +be so, it would make me quite beside myself: Man knows the +beginning of sin (said Spira), but who bounds the issues thereof? + +180. About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind to an +ancient Christian, and told him all my case: I told him also, that +I was afraid that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost; and +he told me, He thought so too. Here therefore I had but cold +comfort; but talking a little more with him, I found him, though a +good man, a stranger to much combat with the devil. Wherefore I +went to God again, as well as I could, for mercy still. + +181. Now also did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery, +saying, That seeing I had thus parted with the Lord Jesus, and +provoked Him to displeasure, Who would have stood between my soul +and the flame of devouring fire, there was now but one way; and +that was, to pray that God the Father would be a Mediator betwixt +His Son and me; that we might be reconciled again, and that I might +have that blessed benefit in Him, that His blessed saints enjoyed. + +182. Then did that scripture seize upon my soul, He is of one +mind, and who can turn Him! Oh! I saw, it was as easy to persuade +Him to make a new world, a new covenant, or a new Bible, besides +that we have already, as to pray for such a thing. This was to +persuade Him, that what He had done already was mere folly, and +persuade Him to alter, yea, to disannul the whole way of salvation. +And then would that saying rend my soul asunder; Neither is there +salvation in any other; for there is none other name under heaven +given among men whereby we must be saved. Acts iv. 12. + +183. Now the most free, and full and gracious words of the gospel, +were the greatest torment to me; yea, nothing so afflicted me, as +the thoughts of Jesus Christ, the remembrance of a Saviour; because +I had cast Him off, brought forth the villany of my sin, and my +loss by it, to mind; nothing did twinge my conscience like this: +every time that I thought of the Lord Jesus, of His grace, love, +goodness, kindness, gentleness, meekness, death, blood, promises, +and blessed exhortations, comforts, and consolations, it went to my +soul like a sword; for still unto these my considerations of the +Lord Jesus, these thoughts would make place for themselves in my +heart: Aye, this is the Jesus, the loving Saviour, the Son of God, +Whom you have parted with, Whom you have slighted, despised, and +abused. This is the only Saviour, the only Redeemer, the only One +that could so love sinners, as to wash them from their sins in His +own most precious blood; but you have no part nor lot in this +Jesus: you have put Him from you; you have said in your heart, Let +Him go, if He will. Now, therefore, you are severed from Him; you +have severed yourself from Him: behold then His goodness, but +yourself to be no partaker of it. Oh! thought I, what have I lost, +what have I parted with! What has disinherited my poor soul! Oh! +'tis sad to be destroyed by the grace and mercy of God; to have the +Lamb, the Saviour, turn lion and destroyer. Rev. vi. I also +trembled, as I have said, at the sight of the saints of God, +especially at those that greatly loved Him, and that made it their +business to walk continually with Him in this world; for they did, +both in their words, their carriages, and all their expressions of +tenderness and fear to sin against their precious Saviour, condemn, +lay guilt upon, and also add continual affliction and shame upon my +soul. The dread of them was upon me, and I trembled at God's +Samuels. 1 Sam. xvi. 4. + +184. Now also the tempter began afresh to mock my soul another +way, saying, That Christ indeed did pity my case, and was sorry for +my loss; but forasmuch as I had sinned and transgressed as I had +done, He could by no means help me, nor save me from what I feared: +for my sin was not of the nature of theirs, for Whom He bled and +died; neither was it counted with those that were laid to His +charge, when He hanged on a tree: therefore, unless He should come +down from heaven, and die anew for this sin, though indeed He did +greatly pity me, yet I could have no benefit of Him. These things +may seem ridiculous to others, even as ridiculous as they were in +themselves, but to me they were most tormenting cogitations: every +one of them augmented my misery, that Jesus Christ should have so +much love as to pity me, when yet He could not help me; nor did I +think that the reason why He could not help me, was, because His +merits were weak, or His grace and salvation spent on others +already, but because His faithfulness to His threatening, would not +let Him extend His mercy to me. Besides, I thought, as I have +already hinted, that my sin was not within the bounds of that +pardon, that was wrapped up in a promise; and if not, then I knew +assuredly, that it was more easy for heaven and earth to pass away, +than for me to have eternal life. So that the ground of all these +fears of mine did arise from a steadfast belief I had of the +stability of the holy word of God, and also from my being +misinformed of the nature of my sin. + +185. But oh! how this would add to my affliction, to conceit that +I should be guilty of such a sin, for which He did not die. These +thoughts would so confound me, and imprison me, and tie me up from +faith, that I knew not what to do. But oh! thought I, that He +would come down again! Oh! that the work of man's redemption was +yet to be done by Christ! how would I pray Him and entreat Him to +count and reckon this sin among the rest for which He died! But +this scripture would strike me down as dead; Christ being raised +from the dead, dieth no more; death hath no more dominion over Him. +Rom. vi. 9. + +186. Thus, by the strange and unusual assaults of the tempter, my +soul was like a broken vessel, driven as with the winds, and tossed +sometimes headlong into despair; sometimes upon the covenant of +works, and sometimes to wish that the new covenant, and the +conditions thereof, might so far forth, as I thought myself +concerned, be turned another way, and changed, But in all these, I +was as those that jostle against the rocks; more broken, scattered +and rent. Oh! the un-thought-of imaginations, frights, fears, and +terrors, that are affected by a thorough application of guilt +yielding to desperation! This is the man that hath his dwelling +among the tombs with the dead; that is always crying out, and +cutting himself with stones. Mark v. 1, 2, 3. But, I say, all in +vain; desperation will not comfort him, the old covenant will not +save him: nay, heaven and earth shall pass away, before one jot or +tittle of the word and law of grace will fail or be removed. This +I saw, this I felt, and under this I groaned; yet this advantage I +got thereby, namely, a farther confirmation of the certainty of the +way of salvation; and that the scriptures were the word of God. +Oh! I cannot now express what then I saw and felt of the steadiness +of Jesus Christ, the rock of man's salvation: What was done, could +not be undone, added to, nor altered. I saw, indeed, that sin +might drive the soul beyond Christ, even the sin which is +unpardonable; but woe to him that was so driven, for the word would +shut him out. + +187. Thus I was always sinking, whatever I did think or do. So +one day I walked to a neighbouring town, and sate down upon a +settle in the street, and fell into a very deep pause about the +most fearful state my sin had brought me to; and after long musing, +I lifted up I sat my head, but methought I saw, as if the sun that +shineth in the heavens did grudge to give light; and as if the very +stones in the street, and tiles upon the houses, did bend +themselves against me. Methought that they all combined together +to banish me out of the world. I was abhorred of them, and unfit +to dwell among them, or be partaker of their benefits, because I +had sinned against the Saviour. O how happy now was every creature +over I was! For they stood fast, and kept their station, but I was +gone and lost. + +188. Then breaking out in the bitterness of my soul, I said to +myself with a grievous sigh, How can God comfort such a wretch! I +had no sooner said it, but this returned upon me, as an echo doth +answer a voice: This sin is not unto death. At which I was, as if +I had been raised out of the grave, and cried out again, Lord, how +couldst Thou find out such a word as this! For I was filled with +admiration at the fitness, and at the unexpectedness of the +sentence; the fitness of the word, the rightness of the timing of +it; the power, and sweetness, and light, and glory that came with +it also, were marvellous to me to find: I was now, for the time, +out of doubt, as to that about which I was so much in doubt before; +my fears before were, that my sin was not pardonable, and so that I +had no right to pray, to repent, etc., or that, if I did, it would +be of no advantage or profit to me. But now, thought I, if this +sin is not unto death, then it is pardonable; therefore from this I +have encouragement to come to God by Christ for mercy, to consider +the promise of forgiveness, as that which stands with open arms to +receive me as well as others. This therefore was a great easement +to my mind, to wit, that my sin was pardonable, that it was not the +sin unto death (1 John v. 16, 17). None but those that know what +my trouble (by their own experience) was, can tell what relief came +to my soul by this consideration: it was a release to me from my +former bonds, and a shelter from the former storm: I seemed now to +stand upon the same ground with other sinners, and to have as good +right to the word and prayer as any of they. + +189. Now I say, I was in hopes that my sin was not unpardonable, +but that there might be hopes for me to obtain forgiveness. But +oh! how Satan did now lay about him for to bring me down again! +But he could by no means do it, neither this day, nor the most part +of the next, for this good sentence stood like a mill-post at my +back: yet towards the evening of the next day, I felt this word +begin to leave me, and to withdraw its supportation from me, and so +I returned to my old fears again, but with a great deal of grudging +and peevishness, for I feared the sorrow of despair; nor could my +faith now long retain this word. + +190. But the next day at evening, being under many fears, I went +to seek the Lord, and as I prayed, I cried, and my soul cried to +Him in these words, with strong cries: O Lord, I beseech Thee, +show me that Thou hast loved me with everlasting love. Jer. xxxi. +3. I had no sooner said it, but with sweetness this returned upon +me, as an echo, or sounding again, I have loved thee with an +everlasting love. Now I went to bed in quiet; also when I awakened +the next morning, it was fresh upon my soul; and I believed it. + +191. But yet the tempter left me not; for it could not be so +little as an hundred times, that he that day did labour to then +break my peace. Oh! the combats and conflicts that I did then meet +with; as I strove to hold by this word, that of Esau would fly in +my face like lightning: I should be sometimes up and down twenty +times in an hour; yet God did bear me up, and keep my heart upon +this word; from which I had also, for several days together, very +much sweetness, and comfortable hopes of pardon: for thus it was +made out unto me, I loved thee whilst thou wast committing this +sin, I loved thee before, I love thee still, and I will love thee +for ever. + +192. Yet I saw my sin most barbarous, and a filthy crime, and +could not but conclude, and that with great shame and astonishment, +that I had horribly abused the holy Son of God: wherefore I felt +my soul greatly to love and pity Him, and my bowels to yearn +towards Him; for I saw He was still my friend, and did reward me +good for evil; yea, the love and affection that then did burn +within to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, did work at this time +such a strong and hot desire of revengement upon myself for the +abuse I had done unto Him, that to speak as I then thought, had I +had a thousand gallons of blood within my veins, I could freely +then have spilt it all, at the command and feet of this my Lord and +Saviour. + +193. And as I was thus in musing, and in my studies, considering +how to love the Lord, and to express my love to Him, that saying +came in upon me, If Thou, Lord, shouldst mark iniquities, O Lord, +who should stand? But there is forgiveness with Thee, that Thou +mayest be feared. Psalm cxxx. 3, 4. These were good words to me, +especially the latter part thereof; to wit, that there is +forgiveness with the Lord, that He might be feared; that is, as +then I understood it, that He might be loved, and had in reverence; +for it was thus made out to me, That the great God did set so high +an esteem upon the love of His poor creatures, that rather than He +would go without their love, He would pardon their transgressions. + +194. And now was that word fulfilled on me, and I was also +refreshed by it; That thou mayest remember and be confounded, and +never open thy mouth any more, because of thy shame, when I am +pacified toward thee for all that thou hast done, saith the Lord +God. Ezek. xvi. 63. Thus was my soul at this time (and as I then +did think for ever) set at liberty from being afflicted with my +former guilt and amazement. + +195. But before many weeks were gone, I began to despond again, +fearing, lest, notwithstanding all that I had enjoyed, that I might +be deceived and destroyed at the last; for this consideration came +strong into my mind, That whatever comfort and peace I thought I +might have from the word of the promise of life, yet unless there +could be found in my refreshment, a concurrence and agreement in +the scriptures, let me think what I will thereof, and hold it never +so fast, I should find no such thing at the end; And the scripture +cannot be broken. John x. 35. + +196. Now began my heart again to ache, and fear I might meet with +a disappointment at last. Wherefore I began with all seriousness +to examine my former comfort, and to consider whether one that had +sinned as I had done, might with confidence trust upon the +faithfulness of God, laid down in those words, by which I had been +comforted, and on which I had leaned myself: but now were brought +those sayings to my mind. For it is impossible for those who were +once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were +made partakers of the Holy Ghost, and have tasted the good word of +God, and the powers of the world to come, if they shall fall away, +to renew them again unto repentance. Heb. vi. 4-6. For, if we sin +wilfully, after we have received the knowledge of the truth, there +remains no more sacrifice for sin, but a certain fearful looking +for of judgment, and fiery indignation, which shall devour the +adversaries. Heb. x. 26, 27. As Esau, who for one morsel of meat, +sold his birthright. For ye know how that afterward, when he would +have inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place +of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. Heb. xii. +16, 17. + +197. Now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul; so that +no promise or encouragement was to be found in the Bible for me: +and now would that saying work upon my spirit to afflict me, +Rejoice not, O Israel, for joy, as other people. Hos. ix. 1. For +I saw indeed, there was cause of rejoicing for those that held to +Jesus; but for me, I had cut myself off by my transgressions, and +left myself neither foot-hold, or hand-hold, among all the stays +and props in the precious word of life. + +198. And truly, I did now feel myself to sink into a gulph, as an +house whose foundation is destroyed; I did liken myself in this +condition, unto the case of some child that was fallen into a mill- +pit, who though it could make some shift to scramble and sprawl in +the water, yet because it could find neither hold for hand nor +foot, therefore at last it must die in that condition. So soon as +this fresh assault had fastened on my soul, that scripture came +into my heart, This for many days. Dan. x. 14. And indeed I found +it was so; for I could not be delivered, nor brought to peace +again, until well nigh two years and a half were completely +finished. Wherefore these words, though in themselves, they tended +to discouragement, yet to me, who feared this condition would be +eternal, they were at some times as an help and refreshment to me. + +199. For, thought I, many days are not for ever, many days will +have an end; therefore seeing I was to be afflicted not a few but +many days, yet I was glad it was but for many days. Thus, I say, I +would recall myself sometimes, and give myself an help, for as soon +as ever the words came into my mind, at first, I knew my trouble +would be long, yet this would be but sometimes; for I could not +always think on this, nor ever be helped by it, though I did. + +200. Now while the scriptures lay before me, and laid sin anew at +my door, that saying, in Luke xviii. 1, with others, did encourage +me to prayer: then the tempter laid again at me very sore, +suggesting, That neither the mercy of God, nor yet the blood of +Christ, did at all concern me, nor could they help me for my sin; +therefore it was but in vain to pray. Yet, thought I, I will pray. +But, said the tempter, your sin is unpardonable. Well, said I, I +will pray. 'Tis to no boot, said he. Yet said I, I will pray. So +I went to prayer to God; and while I was at prayer, I uttered words +to this effect: Lord, Satan tells me, that neither Thy mercy, nor +Christ's blood, is sufficient to save my soul: Lord, shall I +honour Thee most, by believing Thou wilt, and canst? or him, by +believing Thou neither wilt not nor canst? Lord, I would fain +honour Thee, by believing Thou wilt and canst. + +201. And as I was thus before the Lord, that scripture fastened on +my heart (O man, great is thy faith), Matt. xv. 28, even as if one +had clapped me on the back, as I was on my knees before God: yet I +was not able to believe this, that this was a prayer of faith, till +almost six months after; for I could not think that I had faith, or +that there should be a word for me to act faith on; therefore I +should still be, as sticking in the jaws of desperation, and went +mourning up and down in a sad condition. + +202. There was nothing now that I longed for more than to be put +out of doubt, as to this thing in question, and as I was vehemently +desiring to know, if there was indeed hope for me, these words came +rolling into my mind, Will the Lord cast off for ever? and will He +be favourable no more? Is His mercy clean gone for ever? Doth His +promise fail for evermore? Hath God forgotten to be gracious? +Hath He in anger shut up His tender mercies? Ps. lxxvii. 7-9. And +all the while they run in my mind, methought I had still this as +the answer, 'Tis a question whether He hath or no: it may be He +hath not. Yea, the interrogatory seemed to me to carry in it a +sure affirmation that indeed He had not, nor would so cast off, but +would be favourable: that His promise doth not fail, and that He +had not forgotten to be gracious, nor would in anger shut up tender +mercy. Something also there was upon my heart at the same time, +which I cannot now call to mind, which, with this text, did sweeten +my heart, and make me conclude, that His mercy might not be quite +gone, nor clean gone for ever. + +203. At another time I remembered, I was again much under this +question, Whether the blood of Christ was sufficient to save my +soul? in which doubt I continued from morning, till about seven or +eight at night: and at last, when I was, as it were, quite worn +out with fear, lest it should not lay hold on me, these words did +sound suddenly within my heart: He is able. But methought, this +word able, was spoke loud unto me; it showed a great word, it +seemed to be writ in great letters, and gave such a jostle to my +fear and doubt (I mean for the time it tarried with me, which was +about a day) as I never had from that, all my life, either before +or after. Heb. vii. 25. + +204. But one morning as I was again at prayer, and trembling under +the fear of this, That no word of God could help me, that piece of +a sentence darted in upon me, My grace is sufficient. At this, +methought I felt some stay, as if there might be hopes. But, oh! +how good a thing it is for God to send His word! for, about a +fortnight before, I was looking on this very place, and then I +thought it could not come near my soul with comfort, therefore I +threw down my book in a pet: then I thought it was not large +enough for me; no, not large enough; but now it was as if it had +arms of grace so wide, that it could not only enclose me, but many +more such as I besides. + +205. By these words I was sustained, yet not without exceeding +conflicts, for the space of seven or eight weeks; for my peace +would be in it, and out, sometimes twenty times a day; comfort now, +and trouble presently; peace now, and before I could go a furlong, +as full of fear and guilt as ever heart could hold. And this was +not only now and then, but my whole seven weeks' experience: for +this about the sufficiency of grace, and that of Esau's parting +with his birthright, would be like a pair of scales within my mind; +sometimes one end would be uppermost, and sometimes again the +other; according to which would be my peace or trouble. + +206. Therefore I did still pray to God, that He would come in with +this scripture more fully on my heart; to wit, that He would help +me to apply the whole sentence, for as yet I could not: that He +gave, that I gathered; but farther I could not go, for as yet it +only helped me to hope there might be mercy for me; My grace is +sufficient: And though it came no farther, it answered my former +question, to wit, That there was hope; yet because for thee was +left out, I was not contented, but prayed to God for that also. +Wherefore, one day, when I was in a meeting of God's people, full +of sadness and terror; for my fears again were strong upon me; and, +as I was now thinking, my soul was never the better, but my case +most sad and fearful, these words did with great power suddenly +break in upon me; My grace is sufficient for thee, My grace is +sufficient for thee, My grace is sufficient for thee, three times +together: And oh! methought that every word was a mighty word unto +me; as My, and grace, and sufficient, and for thee; they were then, +and sometimes are still, far bigger than others be. + +207. At which time my understanding was so enlightened, that I was +as though I had seen the Lord Jesus look down from heaven, through +the tiles upon me, and direct these words unto me. This sent me +mourning home; it broke my heart, and filled me full of joy, and +laid me low as the dust; only it stayed not long with me, I mean in +this glory and refreshing comfort; yet it continued with me for +several weeks, and did encourage me to hope: but as soon as that +powerful operation of it was taken from my heart, that other, about +Esau, returned upon me as before: so my soul did hang as in a pair +of scales again, sometimes up, and sometimes down; now in peace, +and anon again in terror. + +208. Thus I went on for many weeks, sometimes comforted, and +sometimes tormented; and especially at sometimes my torment would +be very sore, for all those scriptures forenamed in the Hebrews, +would be set before me, as the only sentences that would keep me +out of heaven. Then again I would begin to repent that ever that +thought went through me; I would also think thus with myself: Why, +how many scriptures are there against me? There are but three or +four; And cannot God miss them, and save me for all them? +Sometimes again I would think, Oh! if it were not for these three +or four words, now how might I be comforted! And I could hardly +forbear at some times, to wish them out of the book. + +209. Then methought I should see as if both Peter and Paul, and +John, and all the writers, did look with scorn upon me, and hold me +in derision; and as if they had said unto me, All our words are +truth, one of as much force as another: it is not we that have cut +you of, but you have cast away yourself. There is none of our +sentences that you must take hold upon, but these and such as +these; it is impossible, Heb. vi.; there remains no more sacrifice +for sin, Heb. x. And it had been better for them not to have known +the will of God, than after they had known it, to turn from the +holy commandment delivered unto them, 2 Peter ii. 21. For the +Scriptures cannot be broken. John x. 35. + +210. These, as the elders of the city of refuge, I saw, were to be +judges both of my case and me, while I stood with the avenger of +blood at my heels, trembling at their gate for deliverance; also +with a thousand fears and mistrusts, I doubted that they would shut +me out for ever. Joshua xx. 3. 4. + +211. Thus I was confounded, not knowing what to do, or how to be +satisfied in this question, Whether the scriptures could agree in +the salvation of my soul? I quaked at the apostles; I knew their +words were true, and that they must stand for ever. + +212. And I remember one day, as I was in divers frames of spirit, +and considering that these frames were according to the nature of +several scriptures that came in upon my mind; if this of grace, +then was I quiet; but of that of Esau, then tormented. Lord, +thought I, if both these scriptures should meet in my heart at +once, I wonder which of them would get the better of me. So +methought I had a longing mind that they might come both together +upon me; yea, I desired of God they might. + +213. Well, about two or three days after, so they did indeed; they +bolted both upon me at a time, and did work and struggle strangely +in me for a while; at last that about Esau's birthright began to +wax weak, and withdraw, and vanish; and this, about the sufficiency +of grace prevailed with peace and joy. And as I was in a muse +about this thing, that scripture came in upon me, Mercy rejoiceth +against judgment. James ii. 13. + +214. This was a wonderment to me; yet truly, I am apt to think it +was of God; for the word of the law and wrath, must give place to +the word of life and grace; because, though the word of +condemnation be glorious, yet the word of life and salvation doth +far exceed in glory. 2 Cor. iii. 8-11. Mark ix. 5-7. John vi. +37. Also that Moses and Elias must both vanish, and leave Christ +and His saints alone. + +215. This scripture also did now most sweetly visit my soul; And +him that cometh to Me, I will in no wise cast out. Oh! the comfort +that I had from this word, in no wise! As who should say, By no +means, for nothing whatever he hath done. But Satan would greatly +labour to pull this promise from me, telling of me, That Christ did +not mean me and such as I, but sinners of a lower rank, that had +not done as I had done. But I would answer him again, Satan, here +is in these words no such exception; but him that comes, him, any +him: him that cometh to Me I will in no wise cast out. And this I +well remember still, that of all the slights that Satan used to +take this scripture from me, yet he never did so much as put this +question, But do you come aright? And I have thought the reason +was, because he thought I knew full well what coming aright was; +for I saw that to come aright, was to come as I was, a vile and +ungodly sinner, and to cast myself at the feet of mercy, condemning +myself for sin. If ever Satan and I did strive for any word of God +in all my life, it was for this good word of Christ; he at one end, +and I at the other: Oh! what work did we make! It was for this in +John, I say, that we did so tug and strive, he pulled, and I +pulled; but God be praised, I got the better of him; I got some +sweetness from it. + +216. But notwithstanding all these helps, and blessed words of +grace, yet that of Esau's selling of his birthright, would still at +times distress my conscience: for though I had been most sweetly +comforted, and that but just before, yet when that came into my +mind, 'twould make me fear again: I could not be quite rid +thereof, 'twould every day be with me: wherefore now I went +another way to work, even to consider the nature of this +blasphemous thought, I mean, if I should take the words at the +largest, and give them their own natural force and scope, even +every word therein: so when I had thus considered, I found, that +if they were fairly taken, they would amount to this; That I had +freely left the Lord Jesus Christ to His choice, whether He would +be my Saviour or no; for the wicked words were these, Let Him go, +if He will. Then that scripture gave me hope, I will never leave +thee, nor forsake thee. Heb. xiii. 5. 'O Lord,' said I, but I +have left Thee. Then it answered again, But I will not leave thee. +For this I thanked God also. + +217. Yet I was grievous afraid He should, and found it exceeding +hard to trust Him, seeing I had so offended Him: I could have been +exceeding glad that this thought had never befallen; for then I +thought I could with more ease and freedom in abundance, have +leaned on His grace. I saw it was with me, as it was with Joseph's +brethren; the guilt of their own wickedness did often fill them +with fears that their brother would at last despise them. Gen. l. +15, 16, etc. + +218. Yet above all the scriptures that I yet did meet with that in +Joshua xx. was the greatest comfort to me, which speaks of the +slayer that was to flee for refuge: And if the avenger of blood +pursue the slayer, then saith Moses, they that are the elders of +the city of refuge shall not deliver him into his hands, because he +smote his neighbour unwittingly and hated him not aforetime. Oh! +blessed be God for this word: I was convinced that I was the +slayer; and that the avenger of blood pursued me, I felt with great +terror; only now it remained that I inquire whether I have right to +enter the city of refuge: so I found, that he must not, who lay in +wait to shed blood: It was not the wilful murderer, but he who +unwittingly did it, he who did it unawares; not out of spite, or +grudge, or malice, he that shed it unwittingly: even he who did +not hate his neighbour before. Wherefore, + +219. I thought verily I was the man that must enter, because I had +smitten my neighbour unwittingly, and hated Him not aforetime. I +hated Him not aforetime; no, I prayed unto Him, was tender of +sinning against Him; yea, and against this wicked temptation I had +strove for a twelvemonth before; yea, and also when it did pass +through my heart, it did in spite of my teeth: wherefore I thought +I had a right to enter this city, and the elders, which are the +apostles, were not to deliver me up. This therefore was great +comfort to me, and gave me much ground of hope. + +220. Yet being very critical, for my smart had made me that I knew +not what ground was sure enough to bear me, I had one question that +my soul did much desire to be resolved about; and that was, Whether +it be possible for any soul that hath sinned the unpardonable sin, +yet after that to receive, though but the least, true spiritual +comfort from God though Christ? The which after I had much +considered, I found the answer was, No, they could not; and that +for these reasons:- + +221. First, Because those that have sinned that sin, they are +debarred a share in the blood of Christ; and being shut out of +that, they must needs be void of the least ground of hope, and so +of spiritual comfort; For to such there remains no more sacrifice +for sin. Heb. x. 26, 27. Secondly, Because they are denied a +share in the promise of life: It shall never be forgiven him +neither in this world, neither in the world to come. Matt. xii. +32. Thirdly, The Son of God excludes them also from a share in His +blessed intercession, being for ever ashamed to own them, both +before His holy Father, and the blessed angels in heaven. Mark +viii. + +222. When I had with much deliberation considered of this matter, +and could not but conclude that the Lord had comforted me, and that +too after this my wicked sin: then methought I durst venture to +come nigh unto those most fearful and terrible scriptures, with +which all this while I had been so greatly affrighted, and on which +indeed, before I durst scarce cast mine eye (yea, had much ado an +hundred times, to forbear wishing them out of the Bible), for I +thought they would destroy me; but now, I say, I began to take some +measure of encouragement, to come close to them to read them, and +consider them, and to weigh their scope and tendency. + +223. The which when I began to do, I found their visage changed: +for they looked not so grimly, as before I thought they did: and +first I came to the sixth of the Hebrews, yet trembling for fear it +should strike me; which when I had considered, I found that the +falling there intended, was a falling quite away; that is as I +conceived, a falling from and absolute denying of the gospel, of +remission of sins by Jesus Christ; for, from them the apostle +begins his argument, verses 1, 2, 3, 4. Secondly, I found that +this falling away, must be openly, even in the view of the world, +even so as to put Christ to an open shame. Thirdly, I found those +he there intended, were for ever shut up of God, both in blindness, +hardness, and impenitency: It is impossible they should be renewed +again unto repentance. By all these particulars, I found to God's +everlasting praise, my sin was not the sin in this place intended. + +First, I confessed I was fallen, but not fallen away; that is, from +the profession of faith in Jesus unto eternal life. + +Secondly, I confessed that I had put Jesus Christ to shame by my +sin, but not to open shame; I did not deny Him before men, nor +condemn Him as a fruitless One before the world. + +Thirdly, Nor did I find that God had shut me up, or denied me to +come (though I found it hard work indeed to come) to Him by sorrow +and repentance: blessed be God for unsearchable grace! + +224. Then I considered that in the 10th chapter of the Hebrews, +and found that the wilful sin there mentioned, is not every wilful +sin, but that which doth throw off Christ, and then His +commandments too. Secondly, That must be done also openly, before +two or three witnesses, to answer that of the law, verse 28. +Thirdly, This sin cannot be committed, but with great despite done +to the Spirit of Grace; despising both the dissuasions from that +sin, and the persuasions to the contrary. But the Lord knows, +though this my sin was devilish, yet it did not amount to these. + +225. And as touching that in the 12th of the Hebrews, about Esau's +selling of his birthright; though this was that which killed me, +and stood like a spear against me, yet now I did consider, First, +that his was not a hasty thought against the continual labour of +his mind, but a thought consented to, and put in practice likewise, +and that after some deliberation, Gen. xxv. Secondly, It was a +public and open action, even before his brother, if not before many +more; this made his sin of a far more heinous nature than otherwise +it would have been. Thirdly, He continued to slight his +birthright: He did eat and drink, and went his way: thus Esau +despised his birthright, yea, twenty years after he was found to +despise it still. And Esau said, I have enough, my brother, keep +that thou hast unto thyself. Gen. xxxiii. 9. + +226. Now as touching this, that Esau sought a place of repentance; +thus I thought: First, This was not for the birthright, but the +blessing: this is clear from the apostle, and is distinguished by +Esau himself; He took away my birthright (that is, formerly); and +behold now he hath taken away my blessing. Gen. xxvii. 36. +Secondly, Now, this being thus considered, I came again to the +apostle, to see what might be the mind of God, in a New-Testament +style and sense concerning Esau's sin; and so far as I could +conceive, this was the mind of God, that the birthright signified +regeneration, and the blessing, the eternal inheritance; for so the +apostle seems to hint. Lest there be any profane person, as Esau, +who for one morsel of meat sold his birthright; as if he should +say, That shall cast off all those blessed beginnings of God, that +at present are upon him, in order to a new-birth; lest they become +as Esau, even be rejected afterwards, when they would inherit the +blessing. + +227. For many there are, who, in the day of grace and mercy, +despise those things which are indeed the birthright to heaven, who +yet when the deciding day appears, will cry as lord as Esau, Lord, +Lord, open to us; but then, as Isaac would not repent, no more will +God the Father, but will say, I have blessed these, yea, and they +shall be blessed; but as for you, Depart, you are the workers of +iniquity. Gen. xxvii. 32; Luke xiii. 25-27. + +228. When I had thus considered these scriptures, and found that +thus to understand them, was not against, but according to other +scriptures; this still added further to my encouragement and +comfort, and also gave a great blow to that objection, to wit, That +the scriptures could not agree in the salvation of my soul. And +now remained only the hinder part of the tempest, for the thunder +was gone beyond me, only some drops did still remain, that now and +then would fall upon me; but because my former frights and anguish +were very sore and deep, therefore it oft befall me still, as it +befalleth those that have been scared with fire. I thought every +voice was, Fire! fire! Every little touch would hurt my tender +conscience. + +229. But one day, as I was passing in the field, and that too with +some dashes on my conscience, fearing lest yet all was not right, +suddenly this sentence fell upon my soul, Thy righteousness is in +heaven; and methought withal, I saw with the eyes of my soul, Jesus +Christ at God's right hand: there, I say, was my righteousness; so +that wherever I was, or whatever I was doing, God could not say of +me, He wants My righteousness; for that was just before Him. I +also saw moreover, that it was not my good frame of heart that made +my righteousness better, nor yet my bad frame that made my +righteousness worse; for my righteousness was Jesus Christ Himself, +The same yesterday, to-day, and for ever. Heb. xiii. 8. + +230. Now did my chains fall off my legs indeed; I was loosed from +my afflictions and irons; my temptations also fled away; so that +from that time those dreadful scriptures of God left off to trouble +me: now went I also home rejoicing, for the grace and love of God; +so when I came home, I looked to see if I could find that sentence; +Thy righteousness is in heaven, but could not find such a saying; +wherefore my heart began to sink again, only that was brought to my +remembrance, 1 Cor. i. 30, Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us +wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption; by +this word I saw the other sentence true. + +231. For by this scripture I saw that the Man Christ Jesus, as He +is distinct from us, as touching His bodily presence, so He is our +righteousness and sanctification before God. Here therefore I +lived, for some time, very sweetly at peace with God through +Christ; Oh! methought, Christ! Christ! there was nothing but Christ +that was before my eyes: I was not now (only) for looking upon +this and the other benefits of Christ apart, as of His blood, +burial, or resurrection, but considering Him as a whole Christ! as +He in whom all these, and all His other virtues, relations, offices +and operations met together, and that He sat on the right hand of +God in heaven. + +232. 'Twas glorious to me to see His exaltation, and the worth and +prevalency of all His benefits, and that because now I could look +from myself to Him and should reckon, that all those graces of God +that now were green on me, were yet but like those cracked groats +and fourpence-halfpennies that rich men carry in their purses, when +their gold is in their trunks at home: Oh! I saw my gold was in my +trunk at home! In Christ my Lord and Saviour. Now Christ was all; +all my wisdom, all my righteousness, all my sanctification, and all +my redemption. + +233. Further, the Lord did also lead me into the mystery of union +with the Son of God; that I was joined to Him, that I was flesh of +His flesh, and bone of His bone; and now was that word sweet to me +in Eph. v. 30. By this also was my faith in Him, as my +righteousness, the more confirmed in me; for if He and I were one, +then His righteousness was mine, His merits mine, His victory also +mine. Now could I see myself in heaven and earth at once: in +heaven by my Christ, by my head, by my righteousness and life, +though on earth by my body or person. + +234. Now I saw Christ Jesus was looked upon of God; and should +also be looked upon by us, as that common or public person, in whom +all the whole body of His elect are always to be considered and +reckoned; that we fulfilled the law by Him, died by Him, rose from +the dead by Him, got the victory over sin, death, the devil, and +hell, by Him; when He died, we died, and so of His resurrection. +Thy dead men shall live, together with My dead body shall they +arise, saith He. Isa. xxvi. 19. And again, after two days He will +revive us, and the third day He will raise us up, and we shall live +in His sight. Hosea vi. 2. Which is now fulfilled by the sitting +down of the Son of Man on the right hand of the Majesty in the +heavens; according to that to the Ephesians, And hath raised us up +together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ +Jesus. Eph. ii. 6. + +235. Ah! these blessed considerations and scriptures, with many +others of like nature, were in those days made to spangle in mine +eyes; so that I have cause to say, Praise ye the Lord. Praise God +in His sanctuary, praise Him in the firmament of His power; praise +Him for His mighty acts: praise Him according to His excellent +greatness. Psalm cl. 1, 2. + +236. Having thus in a few words given you a taste of the sorrow +and affliction that my soul went under, by the guilt and terror +that this my wicked thought did lay me under; and having given you +also a touch of my deliverance therefrom, and of the sweet and +blessed comfort that I met with afterwards, which comfort dwelt +about a twelvemonth with my heart, to my unspeakable admiration: I +will now (God willing), before I proceed any farther, give you in a +word or two, what, as I conceive, was the cause of this temptation; +and also after that, what advantage, at the last, it became unto my +soul. + +237. For the causes, I conceived they were principally two: of +which two also I was deeply convinced all the time this trouble lay +upon me. The first was, for that I did not, when I was delivered +from the temptation that went before, still pray to God to to keep +me from the temptations that were to come; for though, as I can say +in truth, my soul was much in prayer before this trial seized me, +yet then I prayed only, or at the most principally, for the removal +of present troubles, and for fresh discoveries of His love in +Christ, which I saw afterwards was not enough to do; I also should +have prayed that the great God would keep me from the evil that was +to come. + +238. Of this I was made deeply sensible by the prayer of holy +David, who when he was under present mercy, yet prayed that God +would hold him back from sin and temptation to come; Then, saith +he, shall I be upright, and I shall be innocent from the great +transgression. Psalm xix. 13. By this very word was I galled and +condemned quite through this long temptation. + +239. That was also another word that did much condemn me for my +folly, in the neglect of this duty. Heb. iv. 16: Let us therefore +come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and +find grace to help in time of need. This I had not done, and +therefore was thus suffered to sin and fall, according to what is +written, Pray that ye enter not into temptation. And truly this +very thing is to this day of such weight and awe upon me, that I +dare not, when I come before the Lord, go of my knees, until I +intreat Him for help and mercy against the temptations that are to +come; and I do beseech thee, reader, that thou learn to beware of +my negligence, by the afflictions, that for this thing I did for +days, and months, and years, with sorrow undergo. + +240. Another cause of this temptation was, that I had tempted God; +and on this manner did I do it: Upon a time my wife was great with +child, and before her full time was come, her pangs, as of a woman +in travail, were fierce and strong upon her, even as if she would +have fallen immediately in labour, and been delivered of an +untimely birth: now at this very time it was, that I had been so +strongly tempted to question the being of God; wherefore, as my +wife lay crying by me, I said, but with all secrecy imaginable, +even thinking in my heart, Lord, if Thou wilt now remove this sad +affliction from my wife, and cause that she be troubled no more +therewith this night (and now were her pangs just upon her), then I +shall know that Thou canst discern the most secret thoughts of the +heart. + +241. I had no sooner said it in my heart, but her pangs were taken +from her, and she was cast into a deep sleep, and so continued till +morning; at this I greatly marvelled, not knowing what to think; +but after I had been awake a good while, and heard her cry no more, +I fell asleep also; so when I awaked in the morning, it came upon +me again, even what I had said in my heart the last night, and how +the Lord had showed me, that He knew my secret thoughts, which was +a great astonishment unto me for several weeks after. + +242. Well, about a year and a half afterwards, that wicked sinful +thought, of which I have spoken before, went through my wicked +heart, even this thought, Let Christ go, if He will: so when I was +fallen under the guilt for this, the remembrance of my other +thought, and of the effect thereof, would also come upon me with +this retort, which also carried rebuke along with it, Now you may +see that God doth know the most secret thoughts of the heart. + +243. And with this, that of the passages that were betwixt the +Lord, and His servant Gideon, fell upon my spirit; how because that +Gideon tempted God with his fleece, both wet and dry, when he +should have believed and ventured upon His word; therefore the Lord +did afterwards so try him, as to send him against an innumerable +company of enemies, and that too, as to outward appearance, without +any strength or help. Judges vi. 7. Thus He served me, and that +justly, for I should have believed His word, and not have put an if +upon the all-seeingness of God. + +244. And now to show you something of the advantages that I also +have gained by this temptation: and first, by this I was made +continually to possess in my soul a very wonderful sense both of +the blessing and glory of God, and of His beloved Son; in the +temptation that went before, my soul was perplexed with unbelief, +blasphemy, hardness of heart, questions about the being of God, +Christ, the truth of the word, and certainty of the world to come: +I say, then I was greatly assaulted and tormented with atheism, but +now the case was otherwise; now was God and Christ continually +before my face, though not in a way of comfort, but in a way of +exceeding dread and terror. The glory of the holiness of God, did +at this time break me to pieces; and the bowels and compassion of +Christ did break me as on the wheel; for I could not consider Him +but as a lost and rejected Christ, the remembrance of which, was as +the continual breaking of my bones. + +245. The scriptures also were wonderful things unto me; I saw that +the truth and verity of them were the keys of the kingdom of +heaven; those that the scriptures favour, they must inherit bliss; +but those that they oppose and condemn, must perish for evermore: +Oh! this word, For the scriptures cannot be broken, would rend the +caul of my heart: and so would that other, Whose sins ye remit, +they are remitted; but whose sins ye retain, they are retained. +Now I saw the apostles to be the elders of the city of refuge. +Joshua xx. 4. Those that they were to receive in, were received to +life; but those that they shut out, were to be slain by the avenger +of blood. + +246. Oh! one sentence of the scripture did more afflict and +terrify my mind, I mean those sentences that stood against me (as +sometimes I thought they every one did) more, I say, than an army +of forty thousand men that might have come against me. Woe be to +him against whom the scriptures bend themselves! + +247. By this temptation I was made to see more into the nature of +the promises than ever I was before; for I lying now trembling +under the mighty hand of God, continually torn and rent by the +thundering of His justice: this made me with careful heart, and +watchful eye, with great fearfulness to turn over every leaf, and +with much diligence, mixed with trembling, to consider every +sentence, together with its natural force and latitude. + +248. By this temptation also I was greatly holden off from my +former foolish practice of putting by the word of promise when saw +it came into my mind; for now, though I could not suck that comfort +and sweetness from the promise, as I had done at other times; yet, +like to a man sinking, I would catch at all I saw: formerly I +thought I might not meddle with the promise, unless I felt its +comfort, but now 'twas no time thus to do; the avenger of blood too +hardly did pursue me. + +249. Now therefore I was glad to catch at that word which yet I +feared I had no ground or right to own; and even to leap into the +bosom of that promise that yet I feared did shut its heart against +me. Now also I should labour to take the word as God hath laid it +down, without restraining the natural force of one syllable +thereof: O! what did I now see in that blessed sixth of John: And +him that cometh to me, I will in no wise cast out. John vi. 37. +Now I began to consider with myself, that God hath a bigger mouth +to speak with, than I had a heart to conceive with; I thought also +with myself, that He spake not His words in haste, or in an +unadvised heat, but with infinite wisdom and judgment, and in very +truth and faithfulness. 2 Sam. iii. 28. + +250. I should in these days, often in my greatest agonies, even +flounce towards the promise (as the horses do towards sound ground, +that yet stick in the mire); concluding (though as one almost +bereft of his wits through fear) on this I will rest and stay, and +leave the fulfilling of it to the God of heaven that made it. Oh! +many a pull hath my heart had with Satan, for that blessed sixth of +John: I did not now, as at other times, look principally for +comfort (though, O how welcome would it have been unto me!). But +now a word, a word to lean a weary soul upon, that it might not +sink for ever! 'twas that I hunted for. + +251. Yea, often when I have been making to the promise, I have +seen as if the Lord would refuse my soul for ever; I was often as +if I had run upon the pikes, and as if the Lord had thrust at me, +to keep me from Him, as with a flaming sword. Then I should think +of Esther, who went to petition the king contrary to the law. +Esther iv. 16. I thought also of Benhadad's servants, who went +with ropes upon their heads to their enemies for mercy. 1 Kings +xx. 31, etc. The woman of Canaan also, that would not be daunted, +though called dog by Christ, Matt. xv., 22, etc., and the man that +went to borrow bread at midnight, Luke xi. 5-8, etc., were great +encouragements unto me. + +252. I never saw those heights and depths in grace, and love, and +mercy, as I saw after this temptation; great sins to draw out great +grace; and where guilt is most terrible and fierce, there the mercy +of God in Christ, when showed to the soul, appears most high and +mighty. When Job had passed through his captivity, he had twice as +much as he had before. Job xlii. 10. Blessed be God for Jesus +Christ our Lord. Many other things I might here make observation +of, but I would be brief, and therefore shall at this time omit +them; and do pray God that my harms may make others fear to offend, +lest they also be made to bear the iron yoke as I did. + +I had two or three times, at or about my deliverance from this +temptation, such strange apprehensions of the grace of God, that I +could hardly bear up under it: it was so out of measure amazing, +when I thought it could reach me, that I do think if that sense of +it had abode long upon me, it would have made me incapable for +business. + +253. Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of other of the +Lord's dealings with me at sundry other seasons, and of the +temptations I then did meet withal. I shall begin with what I met +with when first I did join in fellowship with the people of God in +Bedford. After I had propounded to the church, that my desire was +to walk in the order and ordinances of Christ with them, and was +also admitted by them: while I thought of that blessed ordinance +of Christ, which was His last supper with His disciples before His +death, that scripture, Do this in remembrance of Me, Luke xxii. 19, +was made a very precious word unto me; for by it the Lord did come +down upon my conscience with the discovery of His death for my +sins; and as I then felt, did as if He plunged me in the virtue of +the same. But behold, I had not been long a partaker at that +ordinance, but such fierce and sad temptations did attend me at all +times therein, both to blaspheme the ordinance, and to wish some +deadly thing to those that then did eat thereof: that lest I +should at any time be guilty of consenting to these wicked and +fearful thoughts, I was forced to bend myself all the while, to +pray to God to keep me from such blasphemies: and also to cry to +God to bless the bread and cup to them, as it went from mouth to +mouth. The reason of this temptation, I have thought since, was, +because I did not with that reverence that became me at first, +approach to partake thereof. + +254. Thus I continued for three quarters of a year, and could +never have rest nor ease: but at the last the Lord came in upon my +soul with that same scripture, by which my soul was visited before: +and after that, I have been usually very well and comfortable in +the partaking of that blessed ordinance; and have, I trust, therein +discerned the Lord's body, as broken for my sins, and that His +precious blood hath been shed for my transgressions. + +255. Upon a time I was something inclining to a consumption, +wherewith about the spring I was suddenly and violently seized, +with much weakness in my outward man; insomuch that I thought I +could not live. Now began I afresh to give myself up to a serious +examination after my state and condition for the future, and of my +evidences for that blessed world to come: for it hath, I bless the +name of God, been my usual course, as always, so especially in the +day of affliction, to endeavour to keep my interest in the life to +come, clear before mine eyes. + +256. But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former +experience of the goodness of God to my soul, but there came +flocking into my mind an innumerable company of my sins and +transgressions; amongst which these were at this time most to my +affliction; namely, my deadness, dulness, and coldness in holy +duties; my wanderings of heart, of my wearisomeness in all good +things, my want of love to God, His ways and people, with this at +the end of all, Are these the fruits of Christianity? Are these +tokens of a blessed man? + +257. At the apprehensions of these things my sickness was doubled +upon me; for now I was sick in my inward man, my soul was clogged +with guilt; now also was my former experience of God's goodness to +me, quite taken out of my mind, and hid as if they had never been, +or seen: now was my soul greatly pinched between these two +considerations, Live I must not, die I dare not. Now I sunk and +fell in my spirit, and was giving up all for lost; but as I was +walking up and down in the house as a man in a most woeful state, +that word of God took hold of my heart, Ye are justified freely by +His grace, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus. Rom. +iii. 24. But oh! what a turn it made upon me! + +258. Now was I as one awaked out of some troublesome sleep and +dream; and listening to this heavenly sentence, I was as if I had +heard it thus expounded to me: Sinner, thou thinkest, that because +thy sins and infirmities, I cannot save thy soul; but behold My Son +is by me, and upon Him I look, and not on thee, and shall deal with +thee according as I am pleased with Him. At this I was greatly +lightened in my mind, and made to understand, that God could +justify a sinner at any time; it was but His looking upon Christ, +and imputing His benefits to us, and the work was forthwith done. + +259. And as I was thus in a muse, that scripture also came with +great power upon my spirit, Not by works of righteousness that we +have done, but according to His mercy He hath saved us, etc. 2 +Tim. i. 9; Tit. iii. 5. Now was I got on high, I saw myself within +the arms of grace and mercy; and though I was before afraid to +think of a dying hour, yet, now I cried, Let me die: Now death was +lovely and beautiful in my sight, for I saw We shall never live +indeed, till we be gone to the other world. Oh! methought this +life is but a slumber, in comparison with that above. At this time +also I saw more in these words, Heirs of God, Rom. viii. 17, than +ever I shall be able to express while I live in this world: Heirs +of God! God Himself is the portion of the saints. This I saw and +wondered at, but cannot tell you what I saw. + +260. Again, as I was at another time very ill and weak, all that +time also the tempter did beset me strongly (for I find he is much +for assaulting the soul; when it begins to approach towards the +grave, then is his opportunity), labouring to hide from me my +former experience of God's goodness: also setting before me the +terrors of death, and the judgment of God, insomuch that at this +time, through my fear of miscarrying for ever (should I now die), I +was as one dead before death came, and was as if I had felt myself +already descending into the pit; methought I said, There were no +way, but to hell I must: but behold, just as I was in the midst of +those fears, these words of the angel's carrying Lazarus into +Abraham's bosom darted in upon me, as who should say, So it shall +be with thee when thou dost leave this world. This did sweetly +revive my spirit, and help me to hope in God; which when I had with +comfort mused on a while, that word fell with great weight upon my +mind, O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? +1 Cor. xv. 55. At this I became both well in body and mind at +once, for my sickness did presently vanish, and I walked +comfortably in my work for God again. + +261. At another time, though just before I was pretty well and +savoury in my spirit, yet suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud +of darkness, which did so hide from me the things of God and +Christ, that I was as if I had never seen or known them in my life: +I was also so over-run in my soul with a senseless heartless frame +of spirit, that I could not feel my soul to move or stir after +grace and life by Christ; I was as if my loins were broken, or as +if my hands and feet had been tied or bound with chains. At this +time also I felt some weakness to seize upon my outward man, which +made still the other affliction the more heavy and uncomfortable to +me. + +262. After I had been in this condition some three or four days, +as I was sitting by the fire, I suddenly felt this word to sound in +my heart, I must go to Jesus. At this my former darkness and +atheism fled away, and the blessed things of heaven were set in my +view. While I was on this sudden thus overtaken with surprise, +Wife (said I), is there ever such a scripture, I must go to Jesus? +She said, she could not tell; therefore I sat musing still, to see +if I could remember such a place: I had not sat above two or three +minutes, but that came bolting in upon me, And to an innumerable +company of angels; and withal, Hebrews twelfth, about the mount +Sion, was set before mine eyes. Heb. xii. 22-24. + +263. Then with joy I told my wife, O! now I know, I know! But +that night was a good night to me, I never had but few better; I +longed for the company of some of God's people, that I might have +imparted unto them what God had showed me. Christ was a precious +Christ to my soul that night; I could scarce lie in my bed for joy, +and peace, and triumph, through Christ. This great glory did not +continue upon me until morning, yet the twelfth of the Author to +the Hebrews, Heb. xii. 22, 23, was a blessed scripture to me for +many days together after this. + +264. The words are these: Ye are come to mount Sion, and unto the +city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to an +innumerable company of angels, to the general assembly and church +of the first-born, which are written in heaven; and to God the +Judge of all, and to the spirits of just men made perfect, and to +Jesus the Mediator of the New Covenant, and to the blood of +sprinkling, that speaketh better things than that of Abel. Through +this blessed sentence the Lord led me over and over, first to this +word, and then to that; and showed me wonderful glory in every one +of them. These words also have oft since that time, been great +refreshment to my spirit. Blessed be God for having mercy on me. + + +A brief Account of the Author's Call to the Work of the Ministry + + +265. And now I am speaking my experience, I will in this place +thrust in a word or two concerning my preaching the word, and of +God's dealing with me in that particular also. For after I had +been about five or six years awakened, and helped myself to see +both the want and worth of Jesus Christ our Lord, and also enabled +to venture my soul upon Him; some of the most able among the saints +with us, I say, the most able for judgment and holiness of life, as +they conceived, did perceive that God had counted me worth to +understand something of His will in His holy and blessed word, and +had given me utterance in some measure, to express what I saw to +others, for edification; therefore they desired me, and that with +much earnestness, that I would be willing, at sometimes to take in +hand, in one of the meetings, to speak a word of exhortation unto +them. + +266. The which, though at the first it did much dash and abash my +spirit, yet being still by them desired and entreated, I consented +to their request, and did twice at two several assemblies (but in +private), though with much weakness and infirmity, discover my gift +amongst them; at which they not only seemed to be, but did solemnly +protest, as in the sight of the great God, they were both affected +and comforted; and gave thanks to the Father of mercies, for the +grace bestowed on me. + +267. After this, sometimes, when some of them did go into the +country to teach, they would also that I should go with them; +where, though as yet, I did not nor durst not, make use of my gift +in an open way, yet more privately, still, as I came amongst the +good people in those places, I did sometimes speak a word of +admonition unto them also; the which they, as the other, received +with rejoicing at the mercy of God to me-ward, professing their +souls were edified thereby. + +268. Wherefore, to be brief; at last, being still desired by the +church, after some solemn prayer to the Lord, with fasting, I was +more particularly called forth, and appointed to a more ordinary +and public preaching of the word, not only to and amongst them that +believed, but also to offer the gospel to those who had not yet +received the faith thereof; about which time I did evidently find +in my mind a secret pricking forward thereto; though I bless God, +not for desire of vain-glory; for at that time I was most sorely +afflicted with the fiery darts of the devil, concerning my eternal +state. + +269. But yet could not be content, unless I was found in the +exercise of my gift, unto which also I was greatly animated, not +only by the continual desires of the godly, but also by that saying +of Paul to the Corinthians: I beseech you, brethren (ye know the +household of Stephanas, that it is the first fruits of Achaia, and +that they have addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints) +that ye submit yourselves unto such, and to every one that helpeth +with us, and laboureth. 1 Cor. xvi. 15, 16. + +270. By this text I was made to see that the Holy Ghost never +intended that men who have gifts and abilities, should bury them in +the earth, but rather did command and stir up such to the exercise +of their gift, and also did commend those that were apt and ready +so to do. They have addicted themselves to the ministry of the +saints. This scripture, in these days, did continually run in my +mind, to encourage me, and strengthen me in this my work for God; I +have also been encouraged from several other scriptures and +examples of the godly, both specified in the word, and other +ancient histories: Acts viii. 4 and xviii. 24, 25, etc.; 1 Pet. +iv. 10; Rom. xii. 6; Fox's Acts and Mon. + +271. Wherefore, though of myself of all the saints the most +unworthy; yet I, but with great fear and trembling at the sight of +my own weakness, did set upon the work, and did according to my +gift, and the proportion of my faith, preach that blessed gospel +that God had showed me in the holy word of truth: which when the +country understood, they came in to hear the word by hundreds, and +that from all parts, though upon sundry and divers accounts. + +272. And I thank God, He gave unto me some measure of bowels and +pity for their souls, which also did put me forward to labour, with +great diligence and earnestness, to find out such a word as might, +if God would bless, lay hold of, and awaken the conscience; in +which also the good Lord had respect to the desire of His servant; +for I had not preached long, before some began to be touched, and +be greatly afflicted in their minds at the apprehension of the +greatness of their sin, and of their need of Jesus Christ. + +273. But I first could not believe that God should speak by me to +the heart of any man, still counting myself unworthy; yet those who +thus were touched, would love me and have a particular respect for +me; and though I did put it from me, that they should be awakened +by me, still they would confess it, and affirm it before the saints +of God: they would also bless God for me (unworthy wretch that I +am!) and count me God's instrument that showed to them the way of +salvation. + +274. Wherefore seeing them in both their words and deeds to be so +constant, and also in their hearts so earnestly pressing after the +knowledge of Jesus Christ, rejoicing that ever God did send me +where they were; then I began to conclude it might be so, that God +had owned in His work such a foolish one as I; and then came that +word of God to my heart, with much sweet refreshment, The blessing +of him that was ready to perish, is come upon me; and I caused the +widow's heart to sing for joy. Job xxix. 13. + +275. At this therefore I rejoiced; yea, the tears of those whom +God did awaken by my preaching, would be both solace and +encouragement to me: for I thought on those sayings, Who is He +then that maketh me glad, but the same which is made sorry by Me? +2 Cor. ii. 2. And again, If I be not an Apostle to others, yet +doubtless, I am unto you: for the seal of mine apostleship are ye +in the Lord. 1 Cor. ix. 2. These things, therefore, were as +another argument unto me, that God had called me to, and stood by +me in this work. + +276. In my preaching of the word, I took special notice of this +one thing, namely, that the Lord did lead me to begin where His +word begins with sinners; that is, to condemn all flesh, and to +open and allege, that the curse of God by the law, doth belong to, +and lay hold on all men as they come into the world, because of +sin. Now this part of my work I fulfilled with great sense; for +the terrors of the law, and guilt for my transgressions, lay heavy +on my conscience: I preached what I felt, what I smartingly did +feel; even that under which my poor soul did groan and tremble to +astonishment. + +277. Indeed, I have been as one sent to them from the dead; I went +myself in chains, to preach to them in chains; and carried that +fire in my own conscience, that I persuaded them to be aware of. I +can truly say, and that without dissembling, that when I have been +to preach, I have gone full of guilt and terror, even to the pulpit +door, and there it hath been taken off, and I have been at liberty +in my mind until I have done my work; and then immediately, even +before I could get down the pulpit stairs, I have been as bad as I +was before; yet God carried me on, but surely with a strong hand, +for neither guilt nor hell could take me off my work. + +278. Thus I went on for the space of two years, crying out against +men's sins, and their fearful state because of them. After which, +the Lord came in upon my own soul, with some staid peace and +comfort through Christ; for He did give me many sweet discoveries +of His blessed grace through Him; wherefore now I altered in my +preaching (for still I preached what I saw and felt); now therefore +I did much labour to hold forth Jesus Christ in all His offices, +relations, and benefits unto the world; and did strive also to +discover, to condemn, and remove those false supports and props on +which the world doth both lean, and by them fall and perish. On +these things also I staid as long as on the other. + +279. After this, God led me into something of the mystery of the +union of Christ; wherefore that I discovered and showed to them +also. And, when I had travelled through these three chief points +of the word of God, about the space of five years or more, I was +caught in my present practice, and cast into prison, where I have +lain above as long again to confirm the truth by way of suffering, +as I was before in testifying of it according to the scriptures, in +a way of preaching. + +280. When I have been in preaching, I thank God my heart hath +often all the time of this and the other exercise, with great +earnestness cried to God that He would make the word effectual to +the salvation of the soul; still being grieved lest the enemy +should take the word away from the conscience, and so it should +become unfruitful: wherefore I should labour to speak the word, as +that thereby, if it were possible, the sin and person guilty might +be particularized by it. + +281. And when I have done the exercise, it hath gone to my heart, +to think the word should now fall as rain on stony places; still +wishing from my heart, Oh! that they who have heard me speak this +day, did but see as I do, what sin, death, hell, and the curse of +God is; and also what the grace, and love, and mercy of God is, +through Christ, to men in such a case as they are, who are yet +estranged from Him. And indeed, I did often say in my heart before +the Lord, That if to be hanged up presently before their eyes, +would be a means to awaken them, and confirm them in the truth, I +gladly should be contented. + +282. For I have been in my preaching, especially when I have been +engaged in the doctrine of life by Christ, without works, as if an +angel of God had stood by at my back to encourage me: Oh! it hath +been with such power and heavenly evidence upon my own soul, while +I have been labouring to unfold it, to demonstrate it, and to +fasten it upon the conscience of others; that I could not be +contented with saying, I believe, and am sure; methought I was more +than sure (if it be lawful to express myself) that those things +which then I asserted, were true. + +283. When I first went to preach the word abroad, the doctors and +priests of the country did open wide against me. But I was +persuaded of this, not to render railing for railing; but to see +how many of their carnal professors I could convince of their +miserable state by the law, and of the want and worth of Christ: +for, thought I, This shall answer for me in time to come, when they +shall be for my hire before their face. Gen. xxx. 33. + +284. I never cared to meddle with things that were controverted, +and in dispute among the saints, especially things of the lowest +nature; yet it pleased me much to contend with great earnestness +for the word of faith, and the remission of sins by the death and +sufferings of Jesus: but I say, as to other things, I should let +them alone, because I saw they engendered strife; and because that +they neither in doing, nor in leaving undone, did commend us to God +to be His: besides, I saw my work before me did run into another +channel, even to carry an awakening word; to that therefore did I +stick and adhere. + +285. I never endeavoured to, nor durst make use of other men's +lines, Rom. xv. 18 (though I condemn not all that do), for I verily +thought, and found by experience, that what was taught me by the +word and Spirit of Christ, could be spoken, maintained, and stood +to, by the soundest and best established conscience; and though I +will not now speak all that I know in this matter, yet my +experience hath more interest in that text of scripture, Gal. i. +11, 12, than many amongst men are aware. + +286. If any of those who were awakened by my ministry, did after +that fall back (as sometimes too many did), I can truly say, their +loss hath been more to me, than if one of my own children, begotten +of my own body, had been going to its grave: I think verily, I may +speak it without any offence to the Lord, nothing has gone so near +me as that; unless it was the fear of the loss of the salvation of +my own soul. I have counted as if I had goodly buildings and +lordships in those places where my children were born; my heart +hath been so wrapped up in the glory of this excellent work, that I +counted myself more blessed and honoured of God by this, than if He +had made me the emperor of the Christian world, or the lord of all +the glory of the earth without it! Oh these words! He which +converteth the sinner from the error of his way, shall save a soul +from death. James v. 20. The fruit of the righteous is a tree of +life; and he that winneth souls is wise. Prov. xi. 30. They that +be wise shall shine as the brightness of the firmament, and they +that turn many to righteousness, as the stars for ever and ever. +Dan. xii. 3. For what is our hope, or joy, or crown of rejoicing? +Are not even ye in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ at His +coming? For ye are our glory and joy. 1 Thes. ii. 19, 20. These, +I say, with many others of a like nature, have been great +refreshments to me. + +287. I have observed, that where I have had a work to do for God, +I have had first, as it were, the going of God upon my spirit, to +desire I might preach there: I have also observed, that such and +such souls in particular, have been strongly set upon my heart, and +I stirred up to wish for their salvation; and that these very souls +have, after this, been given in as the fruits of my ministry. I +have observed, that a word cast in, by-the-bye, hath done more +execution in a sermon, than all that was spoken besides: sometimes +also, when I have thought I did no good, then I did the most of +all; and at other times, when I thought I should catch them, I have +fished for nothing. + +288. I have also observed, that where there has been a work to do +upon sinners, there the devil hath begun to roar in the hearts and +by the mouths of his servants: yea, oftentimes, when the wicked +world hath raged most, there hath been souls awakened by the word: +I could instance particulars, but I forbear. + +289. My great desire in my fulfilling my ministry was to get into +the darkest places of the country, even amongst those people that +were farthest off of profession; yet not because I could not endure +the light (for I feared not to show my gospel to any) but because I +found my spirit did lean most after awakening and converting work, +and the word that I carried did lean itself most that way also; +Yea, so have I strived to preach the gospel, not where Christ was +named, lest I should build upon another man's foundation. Rom. xv. +20. + +290. In my preaching I have really been in pain, and have, as it +were, travailed to bring forth children to God; neither could I be +satisfied unless some fruits did appear in my work. If I were +fruitless, it mattered not who commanded me: but if I were +fruitful, I cared not who did condemn. I have thought of that: +Lo! children are an heritage of the Lord; and the fruit of the womb +is His reward.--As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man, so are +children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full +of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the +enemies in the gate. Psalm cxxvii. 3-5. + +291. It pleased me nothing to see people drink in opinions, if +they seemed ignorant of Jesus Christ, and the worth of their own +salvation, sound conviction for sin, especially for unbelief, and a +heart set on fire to be saved by Christ, with strong breathings +after a truly sanctified soul: that it was that delighted me; +those were the souls I counted blessed. + +292. But in this work, as in all other, I had my temptations +attending me, and that of divers kinds; as sometimes I should be +assaulted with great discouragement therein, fearing that I should +not be able to speak a word at all to edification; nay, that I +should not be able to speak sense unto the people; at which times I +should have such a strange faintness and strengthlessness seize +upon my body, that my legs have scarce been able to carry me to the +place of exercise. + +293. Sometimes again when I have been preaching, I have been +violently assaulted with thoughts of blasphemy, and strongly +tempted to speak the words with my mouth before the congregation. +I have also at some times, even when I have begun to speak the word +with much clearness, evidence, and liberty of speech, yet been, +before the ending of that opportunity, so blinded and so estranged +from the things I have been speaking, and have been also so +straightened in my speech, as to utterance before the people, that +I have been as if I had not known, or remembered what I have been +about; or as if my head had been in a bag all the time of my +exercise. + +294. Again, when as sometimes I have been about to preach upon +some smart and searching portion of the word, I have found the +tempter suggest, What! will you preach this! This condemns +yourself; of this your own soul is guilty; wherefore preach not of +it at all; or if you do, yet so mince it, as to make way for your +own escape; lest instead of awakening others, you lay that guilt +upon your own soul, that you will never get from under. + +295. But I thank the Lord, I have been kept from consenting to +these so horrid suggestions, and have rather, as Sampson, bowed +myself with all my might, to condemn sin and transgression, +wherever I found it; yea, though therein also I did bring guilt +upon my own conscience: Let me die (thought I), with the +Philistines, Judges xvi. 29, 30, rather than deal corruptly with +the blessed word of God. Thou that teachest another, teachest thou +not thyself? It is far better that thou do judge thyself, even by +preaching plainly unto others, than that thou, to save thyself, +imprison the truth in righteousness. Blessed be God for His help +also in this. + +296. I have also, while found in this blessed work of Christ, been +often tempted to pride and liftings up of heart: and though I dare +not say, I have not been affected with this, yet truly the Lord of +His precious mercy, hath so carried it towards me, that for the +most part I have had but small joy to give way to such a thing: +for it hath been my every day's portion to be let into the evil of +my own heart, and still made to see such a multitude of corruptions +and infirmities therein, that it hath caused hanging down of the +head under all my gifts and attainments; I have felt this thorn in +the flesh, 2 Cor. xii. 8, 9, the very mercy of God to me. + +297. I have also had, together with this, some notable place or +other of the word presented before me, which word hath contained in +it some sharp and piercing sentence concerning the perishing of the +soul, notwithstanding gifts and parts: as, for instance, that hath +been of great use to me: Though I speak with the tongues of men +and angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, +and a tinkling cymbal. 1 Cor. xiii. 1, 2. + +298. A tinkling cymbal is an instrument of music, with which a +skilful player can make such melodious and heart-inflaming music, +that all who hear him play, can scarcely hold from dancing; and yet +behold the cymbal hath not life, neither comes the music from it, +but because of the art of him that plays therewith; so then the +instrument at last may come to nought and perish, though in times +past such music hath been made upon it. + +299. Just thus I saw it was, and will be, with them who have +gifts, but want saving grace; they are in the hand of Christ, as +the cymbal in the hand of David: and as David could with the +cymbal make that mirth in the service of God, as to elevate the +hearts of the worshippers, so Christ can use these gifted men, as +with them to affect the souls of His people in His church; yet when +He hath done all, hang them by, as lifeless, though sounding +cymbals. + +300. This consideration therefore, together with some others, were +for the most part, as a maul on the head of pride, and desire of +vain-glory. What, thought I, shall I be proud because I am a +sounding brass? Is it so much to be a fiddle? hath not the least +creature that hath life, more of God in it than these? Besides, I +knew 'twas love should never die, but these must cease and vanish: +so I concluded, a little grace, a little love, a little of the true +fear of God, is better than all the gifts: yea, and I am fully +convinced of it, that it is possible for souls that can scarce give +a man an answer, but with great confusion as to method; I say, it +is possible for them to have a thousand times more grace, and so to +be more in the love and favour of the Lord, than some who by the +virtue of the gift of knowledge, can deliver themselves like +angels. + +301. Thus therefore I came to perceive that, though gifts in +themselves were good, to the thing for which they are designed, to +wit, the edification of others; yet empty, and without power to +save the soul of him that hath them, if they be alone: neither are +they, as so, any sign of a man's state to be happy, being only a +dispensation of God to some, of whose improvement, or non- +improvement, they must when a little love more is over, give an +account to Him that is ready to judge the quick and the dead. + +302. This showed me too, that gifts being alone, were dangerous, +not in themselves, but because of those evils that attend them that +have them, to wit, pride, desire of vain glory, self-conceit, etc., +all which were easily blown up at the applause and commendation of +every unadvised Christian, to the endangering of a poor creature to +fall into the condemnation of the devil. + +303. I saw therefore that he that hath gifts, had need be let into +a sight of the nature of them, to wit, that they come short of +making of him to be in a truly saved condition, lest he rest in +them, and so fall short of the grace of God. + +304. He hath cause also to walk humbly with God and be little in +his own eyes, and to remember withal, that his gifts are not his +own, but the churches; and that by them he is made a servant to the +church; and he must also give at last an account of his stewardship +unto the Lord Jesus, and to give a good account will be a blessed +thing. + +305. Let all men therefore prize a little with the fear of the +Lord (gifts indeed are desirable), but yet great grace and small +gifts are better than great gifts and no grace. It doth not say, +the Lord gives gifts and glory, but the Lord gives grace and glory; +and blessed is such an one, to whom the Lord gives grace, true +grace; for that is a certain forerunner of glory. + +306. But when Satan perceived that his thus tempting and +assaulting of me, would not answer his design; to wit, to overthrow +the ministry, and make it ineffectual, as to the ends thereof: +then he tried another way, which was, to stir up the minds of the +ignorant and malicious to load me with slanders and reproaches: +now therefore I may say, that what the devil could devise, and his +instruments invent, was whirled up and down the country against me, +thinking, as I said, that by that means they should make my +ministry to be abandoned. + + 307. It began therefore to be rumoured up and down among the +people, that I was a witch, a Jesuit, a highwayman, and the like. + + 308. To all which, I shall only say, God knows that I am +innocent. But as for mine accusers, let them provide themselves to +meet me before the tribunal of the Son of God, there to answer for +all these things (with all the rest of their iniquities) unless God +shall give them repentance for them, for the which I pray with all +my heart. + +309. But that which was reported with the boldest confidence, was, +that I had my misses, my whores, my bastards; yea, two wives at +once, and the like. Now these slanders (with the others) I glory +in, because but slanders, foolish or knavish lies, and falsehoods +cast upon me by the devil and his seed; and, should I not be dealt +with thus wickedly by the world, I should want one sign of a saint, +and a child of God. Blessed are ye (said the Lord Jesus) when men +shall revile you and persecute you, and shall say all manner of +evil against you falsely for My sake; rejoice and be exceeding +glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so persecuted they +the prophets which were before you. Matt. iv. 11. + +310. These things therefore, upon mine own account, trouble me +not; no, though they were twenty times more than they are. I have +a good conscience, and whereas they speak evil of me, as an evil- +doer, they shall be ashamed that falsely accuse my good +conversation in Christ. + +311. So then, what shall I say to those who have thus bespattered +me? Shall I threaten them? Shall I chide them? Shall I flatter +them? Shall I entreat them to hold their tongues? No, not I. +Were it not for that these things make them ripe for damnation, +that are the authors and abettors, I would say unto them, Report +it, because 'twill increase my glory. + +312. Therefore I bind these lies and slanders to me as an +ornament; it belongs to my Christian profession to be vilified, +slandered, reproached and reviled; and since all this is nothing +else, as my God and my conscience do bear me witness, I rejoice in +reproaches for Christ's sake. + +313. I also call all these fools or knaves, that have thus made it +any thing of their business to affirm any of the things afore-named +of me; namely, That I have been naught with other women, or the +like. When they have used the utmost of their endeavours, and made +the fullest inquiry that they can, to prove against me truly, that +there is any woman in heaven, or earth, or hell, that can say, I +have at any time, in any place, by day or night, so much as +attempted to be naught with them; and speak I thus to beg my +enemies into a good esteem of me? No, not I: I will in this beg +belief of no man: believe or disbelieve me in this, all is a-case +to me. + +314. My foes have missed their mark in this shooting at me: I am +not the man: I wish that they themselves be guiltless. If all the +fornicators and adulterers in England were hanged up by the neck +till they be dead, John Bunyan, the object of their envy, would be +still alive and well. I know not whether there be such a thing as +a woman breathing under the copes of the whole heaven, but by their +apparel, their children, or by common fame, except my wife. + +315. And in this I admire the wisdom of God, that He made me shy +of women from my first conversion until now. Those shy of women +know, and can also bear me witness, with whom I have been most +intimately concerned, that it is a rare thing to see me carry it +pleasant towards a woman: the common salutation of women I abhor; +'tis odious to me in whomsoever I see it. Their company alone, I +cannot away with; I seldom so much as touch a woman's hand; for I +think these things are not so becoming me. When I have seen good +men salute those women that they have visited, or that have visited +them, I have at times made my objection against it; and when they +have answered, that it was but a piece of civility, I have told +them, it is not a comely sight. Some indeed have urged the holy +kiss; but then I have asked why they made baulks? why they did +salute the most handsome, and let the ill-favoured go? Thus, how +laudable soever such things have been in the eyes of others, they +have been unseemly in my sight. + +316. And now for a wind-up in this matter, I calling not only men, +but angels, to prove me guilty of having carnally to do with any +woman save my wife: nor am I afraid to do it a second time; +knowing that it cannot offend the Lord in such a case, to call God +for a record upon my soul, that in these things I am innocent. Not +that I have been thus kept, because of any goodness in me, more +than any other; but God has been merciful to me, and has kept me; +to whom I pray that He will keep me still, not only from this, but +every evil way and work, and preserve me to His heavenly kingdom. +Amen. + +317. Now as Satan laboured by reproaches and slanders, to make me +vile among my countrymen; that, if possible, my preaching might be +made of none effect; so there was added hereto, a long and tedious +imprisonment, that thereby I might be frightened from my service +for Christ, and the world terrified, and made afraid to hear me +preach; of which I shall in the next place give you a brief +account. + + +A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR'S IMPRISONMENT + + +318. Having made profession of the glorious gospel of Christ a +long time, and preached the same about five years, I was +apprehended at a meeting of good people in the country (among whom, +had they let me alone, I should have preached that day, but they +took me away from amongst them), and had me before a justice; who, +after I had offered security for my appearing at the next sessions, +yet committed me, because my sureties would not consent to be bound +that I should preach no more to the people. + +319. At the sessions after I was indicted for an upholder and +maintainer of unlawful assemblies and conventicles, and for not +conforming to the national worship of the church of England; and +after some conference there with the justices, they taking my plain +dealing with them for a confession, as they termed it, of the +indictment, did sentence me to a perpetual banishment, because I +refused to conform. So being again delivered up to the jailer's +hands, I was had home to prison, and there have lain now complete +twelve years, waiting to see what God would suffer these men to do +with me. + +320. In which condition I have continued with much content, +through grace, but have met with many turnings and goings upon my +heart, both from the Lord, Satan, and my own corruptions; by all +which (glory be to Jesus Christ) I have also received among many +things, much conviction, instruction, and understanding, of which +at large I shall not here discourse; only give you a hint or two, a +word that may stir up the godly to bless God, and to pray for me; +and also to take encouragement, should the case be their own--not +to fear what man can do unto them. + +321. I never had in all my life so great an inlet into the word of +God as now: those scriptures that I saw nothing in before, are +made in this place and state to shine upon me; Jesus Christ also +was never more real and apparent than now; here I have seen and +felt Him indeed: Oh! that word, We have not preached unto you +cunningly devised fables, 2 Pet. i. 16, and that, God raised Christ +from the dead, and gave Him glory, that our faith and hope might be +in God 1 Pet. i. 21, were blessed words unto me in this my +imprisoned condition. + +322. These three or four scriptures also have been great +refreshments in this condition to me: John xiv. 1-4; John xvi. 33; +Col. iii. 3, 4; Heb. xii. 22-24. So that sometimes when I have +been in the savour of them, I have been able to laugh at +destruction, and to fear neither the horse nor his rider. I have +had sweet sights of the forgiveness of my sins in this place, and +of my being with Jesus in another world: Oh! the mount Sion, the +heavenly Jerusalem, the innumerable company of angels, and God the +Judge of all, and the spirits of just men made perfect, and Jesus, +have been sweet unto me in this place: I have seen that here, that +I am persuaded I shall never, while in this world, be able to +express: I have seen a truth in this scripture, Whom having not +seen, ye love; in whom, though now you see Him not, yet believing, +ye rejoice with joy unspeakable, and full of glory. 1 Pet. i. 8. + +323. I never knew what it was for God to stand by me at all turns, +and at every offer of Satan to afflict me, etc., as I have found +Him since I came in hither: for look how fears have presented +themselves, so have supports and encouragements; yea, when I have +started, even as it were, at nothing else but my shadow, yet God, +as being very tender of me, hath not suffered me to be molested, +but would with one scripture or another, strengthen me against all; +insomuch that I have often said, were it lawful, I could pray for +greater trouble, for the greater comfort's sake. Eccl. vii. 14; 2 +Cor. i. 5. + +324. Before I came to prison, I saw what was coming, and had +especially two considerations warm upon my heart; the first was, +how to be able to encounter death, should that be here my portion. +For the first of these, that scripture, Col. i. 11, was great +information to me, namely, to pray to God to be strengthened with +all might, according to His glorious power, unto all patience and +long-suffering with joyfulness. I could seldom go to prayer before +I was imprisoned; but for not so little as a year together, this +sentence, or sweet petition would, as it were, thrust itself into +my mind, and persuade me, that if ever I would go through long- +suffering, I must have all patience, especially if I would endure +it joyfully. + +325. As to the second consideration, that saying (2 Cor. i. 9) +was of great use to me, But we had the sentence of death in +ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God, which +raiseth the dead. By this scripture I was made to see, That if +ever I would suffer rightly, I must first pass a sentence of death +upon every thing that can properly be called a thing of this life, +even to reckon myself, my wife, my children, my health, my +enjoyments, and all as dead to me, and myself as dead to them. + +326. The second was to live upon God that is invisible, as Paul +said in another place; the way not to faint is, To look not on the +things that are seen, but at the things that are not seen; for the +things that are seen are temporal, but the things that are not seen +are eternal. And thus I reasoned with myself, if I provide only +for a prison, then the whip comes at unawares; and so doth also the +pillory: Again, if I only provide for these, then I am not fit for +banishment. Further, if I conclude that banishment is the worst, +then if death comes, I am surprised: so that I see, the best way +to go through sufferings, is to trust in God through Christ, as +touching the world to come; and as touching this world, to count +the grave my house, to make my bed in darkness; to say to +corruption, Thou art my father, and to the worm, Thou art my mother +and sister: that is, to familiarize these things to me. + +327. But notwithstanding these helps, I found myself a man and +compassed with infirmities; the parting with my wife and poor +children, hath often been to me in this place, as the pulling the +flesh from the bones, and that not only because I am somewhat too +fond of these great mercies, but also because I should have often +brought to my mind the many hardships, miseries, and wants that my +poor family was like to meet with, should I be taken from them, +especially my poor blind child, who lay nearer my heart than all +besides: Oh! the thoughts of the hardship I thought my poor blind +one might go under, would break my heart to pieces. + +328. Poor child! thought I, what sorrow art thou like to have for +thy portion in this world! Thou must be beaten, must beg, suffer +hunger, cold, nakedness, and a thousand calamities, though I cannot +now endure the wind should blow upon thee. But yet recalling +myself, thought I, I must venture you all with God, though it goeth +to the quick to leave you: Oh! I saw in this condition I was as a +man who was pulling down his house upon the head of his wife and +children; yet, thought I, I must do it, I must do it: and now I +thought on those two milch kine that were to carry the ark of God +into another country, and to leave their calves behind them. 1 +Sam. vi. 10-12. + +329. But that which helped me in this temptation, was divers +considerations, of which, three in special here I will name, the +first was the consideration of these two scriptures, Leave thy +fatherless children, I will preserve them alive, and let thy widows +trust in me: and again, The Lord said, Verily it shall be well +with thy remnant, verily, I will cause the enemy to entreat thee +well in the time of evil, and in time of affliction. Jer. xlix. +11; xv. 11. + +330. I had also this consideration, that if I should not venture +all for God, I engaged God to take care of my concernments: but if +I forsook Him and His ways, for fear of any trouble that should +come to me or mine, then I should not only falsify my profession, +but should count also that my concernments were not so sure, if +left at God's feet, whilst I stood to and for His name, as they +would be if they were under my own care, though with the denial of +the way of God. This was a smarting consideration, and as spurs +unto my flesh. That scripture also greatly helped it to fasten the +more upon me, where Christ prays against Judas, that God would +disappoint him in his selfish thoughts, which moved him to sell his +Master. Pray read it soberly: Psalm cix. 6-8, etc. + +331. I had also another consideration, and that was, the dread of +the torments of hell, which I was sure they must partake of that +for fear of the cross, do shrink from their profession of Christ, +His words and laws before the sons of men: I thought also of the +glory that He had prepared for those that in faith, and love, and +patience, stood to His ways before them. These things, I say, have +helped me, when the thoughts of the misery that both myself and +mine, might for the sake of my profession be exposed to, hath lain +pinching on my mind. + +332. When I have indeed conceited that I might be banished for my +profession, then I have thought of that scripture: They were +stoned, they were sawn asunder, were tempted, were slain with the +sword, they wandered about in sheep-skins, and goat-skins, being +destitute, afflicted, tormented, of whom the world was not worthy; +for all they thought they were too bad to dwell and abide amongst +them. I have also thought of that saying, the Holy Ghost +witnesseth in every city, that bonds and afflictions abide me. I +have verily thought that my soul and it have sometimes reasoned +about the sore and sad estate of a banished and exiled condition, +how they were exposed to hunger, to cold, to perils, to nakedness, +to enemies, and a thousand calamities; and at last, it may be, to +die in a ditch, like a poor and desolate sheep. But I thank God, +hitherto I have not been moved by these most delicate reasonings, +but have rather, by them, more approved my heart to God. + +333. I will tell you a pretty business:- I was once above all the +rest, in a very sad and low condition for many weeks; at which time +also, I being but a young prisoner, and not acquainted with the +laws, had this lying much upon my spirits, that my imprisonment +might end at the gallows for ought that I could tell. Now +therefore Satan laid hard at me, to beat me out of heart, by +suggesting thus unto me: But how if, when you come indeed to die, +YOU should be in this condition; that is, as not to savour the +things of God, nor to have any evidence upon your soul for a better +state hereafter? (for indeed at that time all the things of God +were hid from my soul). + +334. Wherefore, when I at first began to think of this, it was a +great trouble to me; for I thought with myself, that in the +condition I now was in, I was not fit to die, neither indeed did I +think I could, if I should be called to it; besides, I thought with +myself, if I should make a scrambling shift to clamber up the +ladder, yet I should either with quaking, or other symptoms of +fainting, give occasion to the enemy to reproach the way of God and +His people for their timorousness. This, therefore, lay with great +trouble upon me, for methought I was ashamed to die with a pale +face, and tottering knees, in such a cause as this. + +335. Wherefore I prayed to God that He would comfort me, and give +me strength to do and suffer me what He should call me to; yet no +comfort appeared, but all continued hid: I was also at this time, +so really possessed with the thought of death, that oft I was as if +I was on a ladder with the rope about my neck; only this was some +encouragement to me; I thought I might now have an opportunity to +speak my last words to a multitude, which I thought would come to +see me die; and, thought I, if it must be so, if God will but +convert one soul by my very last words, I shall not count my life +thrown away, nor lost. + +336. But yet all the things of God were kept out of my sight, and +still the tempter followed me with, But whither must you go when +you die? what will become of you? where will you be found in +another world? what evidence have you for heaven and glory, and an +inheritance among them that are sanctified? Thus was I tossed for +many weeks, and knew not what to do; at last this consideration +fell with weight upon me, that it was for the word and way of God +that I was in this condition, Wherefore I was engaged not to flinch +an hair's breadth from it. + +337. I thought also, that God might choose whether He would give +me comfort now, or at the hour of death; but I might not therefore +choose whether I would hold my profession or no: I was bound, but +He was free; yea, 'twas my duty to stand to His word, whether He +would ever look upon me or save me at the last: wherefore, thought +I, save the point being thus, I am for going on, and venturing my +eternal state with Christ, whether I have comfort here or no; if +God doth not come in, thought I, I will leap off the ladder even +blindfold into eternity, sink or swim, come heaven, come hell, Lord +Jesus, if Thou wilt catch me, do; if not, I will venture for Thy +name. + +338. I was no sooner fixed in this resolution, but the word +dropped upon me, Doth Job serve God for nought? As if the accuser +had said, Lord, Job is no upright man, be serves Thee for bye- +respects: hast Thou not made an hedge about him, etc. But put +forth now Thine hand, and touch all that he hath, and, he will +curse Thee to Thy face. How now! thought I, is this the sign of an +upright soul, to desire to serve God, when all is taken from him? +Is he a godly man that will serve God for nothing, rather than give +out! Blessed be God! then I hope I have an upright heart, for I am +resolved (God giving me strength) never to deny my profession, +though I have nothing at all for my pains: and as I was thus +considering, that scripture was set before me: Psalm xliv. 12, +etc. + +339. Now was my heart full of comfort; for I hoped it was sincere: +I would not have been without this trial for much; I am comforted +every time I think of it, and I hope I shall bless God for ever, +for the teaching I have had by it. Many more of the dealings +towards me I might relate, But these out of the spoils won in +battle I have dedicated to maintain the house of God. 1 Chron. +xxvi. 27. + + +THE CONCLUSION + + +1. Of all the temptations that ever I met with in my life, to +question the being of God, and truth of His gospel is the worst, +and the worst to be borne; when this temptation comes, it takes +away my girdle from me, and removeth the foundation from under me: +Oh! I have often thought of that word, Have your loins girt about +with truth; and of that, When the foundations are destroyed, what +can the righteous do? + +2. Sometimes, when after sin committed, I have looked for sore +chastisement from the hand of God, the very next that I have had +from Him, hath been the discovery of His grace. Sometimes when I +have been comforted, I have called myself a fool for my so sinking +under trouble. And then again, when I have been cast down, I +thought I was not wise, to give such way to comfort; with such +strength and weight have both these been upon me. + +3. I have wondered much at this one thing, that though God doth +visit my soul with never so blessed a discovery of Himself, yet I +have found again, that such hours have attended me afterwards, that +I have been in my spirit so filled with darkness, that I could not +so much as once conceive what that God and that comfort was, with +which I have been refreshed. + +4. I have sometimes seen more in a line of the Bible, than I could +well tell how to stand under; and yet at another time, the whole +Bible hath been to me as dry as a stick; or rather, My heart hath +been so dead and dry unto it, that I could not conceive the +refreshment, though I have looked it all over. + +5. Of all fears, they are best that are made by the blood of +Christ; and of all joy, that is the sweetest that is mixed with +mourning over Christ: Oh! it is a goodly thing to be on our knees, +with Christ in our arms, before God: I hope I know something of +these things. + +6. I find to this day seven abominations in my heart: 1. +Inclining to unbelief; 2. Suddenly to forget the love and mercy +that Christ manifesteth; 3. A leaning to the works of the law; 4. +Wanderings and coldness in prayer; 5. To forget to watch for that I +pray for; 6. Apt to murmur because I have no more, and yet ready to +abuse what I have; 7. I can do none of those things which God +commands me, but my corruptions will thrust in themselves. When I +would do good, evil is present with me. + +7. These things I continually see and feel, and am afflicted and +oppressed with, yet the wisdom of God doth order them for my good; +1. They make me abhor myself; 2. They keep me from trusting my +heart; 3. They convince me of the insufficiency of all inherent +righteousness; 4. They show me the necessity of flying to Jesus; 5. +They press me to pray unto God; 6. They show me the need I have to +watch and be sober; 7. And provoke me to pray unto God, through +Christ, to help me, and carry me through this world. + + + +A RELATION OF MY IMPRISONMENT IN THE MONTH OF NOVEMBER 1660 + + + +When, by the good hand of my God, I had for five or six years +together, without any interruption, freely preached the blessed +gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ; and had also, through His blessed +grace, some encouragement by His blessing thereupon; the devil, +that old enemy of man's salvation, took his opportunity to inflame +the hearts of his vassals against me, insomuch that at the last, I +was laid out for by the warrant of a justice, and was taken and +committed to prison. The relation thereof is as followeth:- + +Upon the 12th of this instant, November 1660, I was desired by some +of the friends in the country to come to teach at Samsell, by +Harlington, in Bedfordshire. To whom I made a promise, if the Lord +permitted, to be with them on the time aforesaid. The justice +hearing thereof (whose name is Mr Francis Wingate), forthwith +issued out his warrant to take me, and bring me before him, and in +the meantime to keep a very strong watch about the house where the +meeting should be kept, as if we that were to meet together in that +place did intend to do some fearful business, to the destruction of +the country; when alas! the constable, when he came in, found us +only with our Bibles in our hands, ready to speak and hear the word +of God; for we were just about to begin our exercise. Nay, we had +begun in prayer for the blessing of God upon our opportunity, +intending to have preached the word of the Lord unto them there +present: but the constable coming in prevented us. So I was taken +and forced to depart the room. But had I been minded to have +played the coward, I could have escaped and kept out of his hands. +For when I was come to my friend's house, there was whispering that +that day I should be taken, for there was a warrant out to take me; +which when my friend heard, he being somewhat timorous, questioned +whether we had best have our meeting or not; and whether it might +not be better for me to depart, lest they should take me and have +me before the justice, and after that send me to prison (for he +knew better than I what spirit they were of, living by them): to +whom I said, No, by no means, I will not stir, neither will I have +the meeting dismissed for this. Come, be of good cheer; let us not +be daunted; our cause is good, we need not be ashamed of it; to +preach God's Word, is so good a work, that we shall be well +rewarded, if we suffer for that; or to this purpose--(But as for my +friend, I think he was more afraid of me, than of himself.) After +this I walked into the close, where I somewhat seriously +considering the matter, this came into my mind, That I had showed +myself hearty and courageous in my preaching, and had, blessed be +grace, made it my business to encourage others; therefore thought +I, if I should now run, and make an escape, it will be of a very +ill savour in the country. For what will my weak and newly- +converted brethren think of it, but that I was not so strong in +deed as I was in word? Also I feared that if I should run now +there was a warrant out for me, I might by so doing make them +afraid to stand, when great words only should be spoken to them. +Besides I thought, that seeing God of His mercy should choose me to +go upon the forlorn hope in this country; that is, to be the first, +that should be opposed, for the gospel; if I should fly, it might +be a discouragement to the whole body that might follow after. And +further, I thought the world thereby would take occasion at my +cowardliness, to have blasphemed the gospel, and to have had some +ground to suspect worse of me and my profession, than I deserved. +These things with others considered by me, I came in again to the +house, with a full resolution to keep the meeting, and not to go +away, though I could have been gone about an hour before the +officer apprehended me; but I would not; for I was resolved to see +the utmost of what they could say or do unto me. For blessed be +the Lord, I knew of no evil that I had said or done. And so, as +aforesaid, I begun the meeting. But being prevented by the +constable's coming in with his warrant to take me, I could not +proceed. But before I went away, I spake some few words of counsel +and encouragement to the people, declaring to them, that they saw +we were prevented of our opportunity to speak and hear the Word of +God, and were like to suffer for the same; desiring them that they +would not be discouraged, for it was a mercy to suffer upon so good +account. For we might have been apprehended as thieves or +murderers, or for other wickedness; but blessed be God it was not +so, but we suffer as Christians for well doing: and we had better +be the persecuted, than the persecutors, etc. But the constable +and the justice's man waiting on us, would not be at quiet till +they had me away and that we departed the house. But because the +justice was not at home that day, there was a friend of mine +engaged for me to bring me to the constable on the morrow morning. +Otherwise the constable must have charged a watch with me, or have +secured me some other way, my crime was so great. So on the next +morning we went to the constable, and so to the justice. He asked +the constable what we did, where we was met together, and what we +had with us? I trow, he meant whether we had armour or not; but +when the constable told him that there were only met a few of us +together to preach and hear the Word, and no sign of anything else, +he could not well tell what to say: yet because he had sent for +me, he did adventure to put out a few proposals to me, which were +to this effect, namely, What I did there? And why I did not +content myself with following my calling? for it was against the +law, that such as I should be admitted to do as I did. + +John Bunyan. To which I answered, That the intent of my coming +thither, and to other places, was to instruct, and counsel people +to forsake their sins, and close in with Christ, lest they did +miserably perish; and that I could do both these without confusion +(to wit), follow my calling, and preach the Word also. + +At which words, he was in a chafe, as it appeared; for he said that +he would break the neck of our meetings. + +Bun. I said, It may be so. Then he wished me to get sureties to +be bound for me, or else he would send me to the jail. + +My sureties being ready, I called them in, and when the bond for my +appearance was made, he told them, that they was bound to keep me +from preaching; and that if I did preach, their bonds would be +forfeited. To which I answered, that then I should break them; for +I should not leave speaking the Word of God: even to counsel, +comfort, exhort, and teach the people among whom I came; and I +thought this to be a work that had no hurt in it: but was rather +worthy of commendation, than blame. + +Wingate. Whereat he told me, that if they would not be so bound, +my mittimus must be made, and I sent to the jail, there to lie to +the quarter sessions. + +Now while my mittimus was making, the justice was withdrawn; and in +comes an old enemy to the truth, Dr Lindale, who, when he was come +in, fell to taunting at me with many reviling terms. + +Bun. To whom I answered, that I did not come thither to talk with +him, but with the justice. Whereat he supposed that I had nothing +to say for myself, and triumphed as if he had got the victory; +charging and condemning me for meddling with that for which I could +show no warrant; and asked me, if I had taken the oaths? and if I +had not, it was pity but that I should be sent to prison, etc. + +I told him, that if I was minded, I could answer to any sober +question that he should put to me. He then urged me again, how I +could prove it lawful for me to preach, with a great deal of +confidence of the victory. + +But at last, because he should see that I could answer him if I +listed, I cited to him that verse in Peter, which saith, every man +hath received the gift, even so let him minister the same, etc. + +Lind. Aye, saith he, to whom is that spoken? + +Bun. To whom, said I, why to every man that hath received a gift +from God. Mark, saith the apostle, As every man that hath received +a gift from God, etc.; and again, You may all prophesy one by one. +Whereat the man was a little stopt, and went a softlier pace: but +not being willing to lose the day, he began again, and said:- + +Lind. Indeed, I do remember that I have read of one Alexander a +coppersmith, who did much oppose, and disturb the apostles;-- +(aiming it is like at me, because I was a tinker). + +Bun. To which I answered, that I also had read of very many +priests and pharisees, that had their hands in the blood of our +Lord Jesus Christ. + +Lind. Aye, saith he, and you are one of those scribes and +pharisees: for you, with a pretence, make long prayers to devour +widows' houses. + +Bun. I answered, that if he had got no more by preaching and +praying than I had done, he would not be so rich as now he was. +But that scripture coming into my mind, Answer not a fool according +to his folly, I was as sparing of my speech as I could, without +prejudice to truth. + +Now by this time my mittimus was made, and I committed to the +constable, to be sent to the jail in Bedford, etc. + +But as I was going, two of my brethren met with me by the way, and +desired the constable to stay, supposing that they should prevail +with the justice, through the favour of a pretended friend, to let +me go at liberty. So we did stay, while they went to the justice; +and after much discourse with him, it came to this: that if I +would come to him again, and say some certain words to him, I +should be released. Which when they told me, I said if the words +was such that might be said with a good conscience, I should or +else I should not. So through their importunity went back again, +but not believing that I should be delivered: for I feared their +spirit was too full of opposition to the truth to let me go, unless +I should, in something or other, dishonour my God and wound my +conscience. Wherefore, as I went, I lifted up my heart to God, for +light and strength to be kept, that I might not do any thing that +might either dishonour Him, or wrong my own soul, or be a grief or +discouragement to any that was inclining after the Lord Jesus +Christ. + +Well, when I came to the justice again, there was Mr Foster of +Bedford, who, coming out of another room, and seeing me by the +light of the candle (for it was dark night when I went thither), he +said unto me, Who is there? John Bunyan? with such seeming +affection, as if he would have leaped on my neck and kissed me, +which made me somewhat wonder, that such a man as he, with whom I +had so little acquaintance, and, besides, that had ever been a +close opposer of the ways of God, should carry himself so full of +love to me; but, afterwards, when I saw what he did, it caused me +to remember those sayings, Their tongues are smoother than oil, but +their words are drawn swords. And again, Beware of men, etc. +When I had answered him, that blessed be God, I was well; he said, +What is the occasion of your being here? or to that purpose. To +whom I answered, that I was at a meeting of people a little way +off, intending to speak a word of exhortation to them; the justice +hearing thereof, said I, was pleased to send his warrant to fetch +me before him, etc. + +Fost. So (said he), I understand: but well, if you will promise +to call the people no more together, you shall have your liberty to +go home; for my brother is very loath to send you to prison, if you +will be but ruled. + +Bun. Sir (said I), pray what do you mean by calling the people +together? my business is not anything among them, when they are +come together, but to exhort them to look after the salvation of +their souls, that they may be saved, etc. + +Fost. Saith he, We must not enter into explication, or dispute +now; but if you will say you will call the people no more together, +you may have your liberty; if not, you must be sent away to prison. + +Bun. Sir, said I, I shall not force or compel any man to hear me; +but yet, if I come into any place where there is a people met +together, I should, according to the best of my skill and wisdom, +exhort and counsel them to seek out after the Lord Jesus Christ, +for the salvation of their souls. + +Fost. He said, That was none of my work; I must follow my calling; +and if I would but leave off preaching, and follow my calling, I +should have the justice's favour, and be acquitted presently. + +Bun. To whom I said, that I could follow my calling, and that too, +namely, preaching the Word: and I did look upon it as my duty to +do them both, as I had an opportunity. + +Fost. He said, To have any such meetings was against the law; and, +therefore, he would have me leave off, and say, I would call the +people no more together. + +Bun. To whom I said, that I durst not make any further promise; +for my conscience would not suffer me to do it. And again, I did +look upon it as my duty to do as much good as I could, not only in +my trade, but also in communicating to all people wheresoever I +came the best knowledge I had in the Word. + +Fost. He told me that I was the nearest the Papists of any, and +that he would convince me of immediately. + +Bun. I asked him, Wherein? + +Fost. He said, In that we understood the Scriptures literally. + +Bun. I told him that those that were to be understood literally, +we understood them so; but for those that was to be understood +otherwise, we endeavoured so to understand them. + +Fost. He said, Which of the Scriptures do you understand +literally? + +Bun. I said this, He that believes shall be saved. This was to be +understood just as it is spoken; that whosoever believeth in Christ +shall, according to the plain and simple words of the text, be +saved. + +Fost. He said that I was ignorant, and did not understand the +Scriptures; for how, said he, can you understand them when you know +not the original Greek? etc. + +Bun. To whom I said, that if that was his opinion, that none could +understand the Scriptures but those that had the original Greek, +etc., then but a very few of the poorest sort should be saved (this +is harsh); yet the Scripture saith, That God hides these things +from the wise and prudent (that is, from the learned of the world), +and reveals them to babes and sucklings. + +Fost. He said there were none that heard me but a company of +foolish people. + +Bun. I told him that there was the wise as well as the foolish +that do hear me; and again, those that were most commonly counted +foolish by the world are the wisest before God; also, that God had +rejected the wise, and mighty, and noble, and chosen the foolish, +and the base. + +Fost. He told me that I made people neglect their calling; and +that God had commanded people to work six days, and serve Him on +the seventh. + +Bun. I told him that it was the duty of people, (both rich and +poor), to look out for their souls on them days as well as for +their bodies; and that God would have His people exhort one another +daily, while it is called to-day. + +Fost. He said again that there were none but a company of poor, +simple, ignorant people that come to hear me. + +Bun. I told him that the foolish and the ignorant had most need of +teaching and information; and, therefore, it would be profitable +for me to go on in that work. + +Fost. Well, said he, to conclude, but will you promise that you +will not call the people together any more? and then you may be +released and go home. + +Bun. I told him that I durst say no more than I had said; for I +durst not leave off that work which God had called me to. + +So he withdrew from me, and then came several of the justice's +servants to me, and told me that I stood so much upon a nicety. +Their master, they said, was willing to let me go; and if I would +but say I would call the people no more together, I might have my +liberty, etc. + +Bun. I told them there were more ways than one in which a man +might be said to call the people together. As for instance, if a +man get upon the market-place, and there read a book, or the like, +though he do not say to the people, Sirs, come hither and hear; yet +if they come to him because he reads, he, by his very reading, may +be said to call them together; because they would not have been +there to hear if he had not been there to read. And seeing this +might be termed a calling the people together; I durst not say, I +would not call them together; for then, by the same argument, my +preaching might be said to call them together. + +Wing. and Fost. Then came the justice and Mr Foster to me again; +(we had a little more discourse about preaching, but because the +method of it is out of my mind, I pass it); and when they saw that +I was at a point, and would not be moved nor persuaded, Mr Foster, +the man that did at first express so much love to me, told the +justice that then he must send me away to prison. And that he +would do well, also, if he would present all those that were the +cause of my coming among them to meetings. Thus we parted. + +And, verily, as I was going forth of the doors, I had much ado to +forbear saying to them that I carried the peace of God along with +me; but I held my peace, and, blessed be the Lord, went away to +prison, with God's comfort in my poor soul. + +After I had lain in the jail five or six days, the brethren sought +means, again, to get me out by bondsmen; (for so ran my mittimus, +that I should lie there till I could find sureties). They went to +a justice at Elstow, one Mr Crumpton, to desire him to take bond +for my appearing at the quarter sessions. At the first he told +them he would; but afterwards he made a demur at the business, and +desired first to see my mittimus, which ran to this purpose: That +I went about to several conventicles in the county, to the great +disparagement of the government of the church of England, etc. +When he had seen it, he said that there might be something more +against me than was expressed in my mittimus; and that he was but a +young man, therefore he durst not do it. This my jailor told me; +and, whereat I was not at all daunted but rather glad, and saw +evidently that the Lord had heard me; for before I went down to the +justice, I begged of God that if I might do more good by being at +liberty than in prison, that then I might be set at liberty; but if +not, His will be done; for I was not altogether without hopes but +that my imprisonment might be an awakening to the saints in the +country, therefore I could not tell well which to choose; only I, +in that manner, did commit the thing to God. And verily, at my +return, I did meet my God sweetly in the prison again, comforting +of me and satisfying of me that it was His will and mind that I +should be there. + +When I came back again to prison, as I was musing at the slender +answer of the justice, this word dropt in upon my heart with some +life, For He knew that for envy they had delivered Him. + +Thus have I, in short, declared the manner and occasion of my being +in prison; where I lie waiting the good will of God, to do with me +as He pleaseth; knowing that not one hair of my head can fall to +the ground without the will of my Father, which is in heaven. Let +the rage and malice of men be never so great, they can do no more, +nor go any further, than God permits them; but when they have done +their worst, We know all things shall work together for good to +them that love God. + +Farewell. + + + +Here is the Sum of my Examination before Justice KEELIN, Justice +CHESTER, Justice BLUNDALE, Justice BEECHER, Justice SNAGG, etc. + + + +After I had lain in prison above seven weeks, the quarter-sessions +were to be kept in Bedford, for the county thereof, unto which I +was to be brought; and when my jailor had set me before those +justices, there was a bill of indictment preferred against me. The +extent thereof was as followeth: That John Bunyan, of the town of +Bedford, labourer, being a person of such and such conditions, he +hath (since such a time) devilishly and perniciously abstained from +coming to church to hear Divine service, and is a common upholder +of several unlawful meetings and conventicles, to the great +disturbance and distraction of the good subjects of this kingdom, +contrary to the laws of our sovereign lord the King, etc. + +The Clerk. When this was read, the clerk of the sessions said unto +me, What say you to this? + +Bun. I said, that as to the first part of it, I was a common +frequenter of the Church of God. And was also, by grace, a member +with the people, over whom Christ is the Head. + +Keelin. But, saith Justice Keelin (who was the judge in that +court), do you come to church (you know what I mean); to the parish +church, to hear Divine service? + +Bun. I answered, No, I did not. + +Keel. He asked me, Why? + +Bun. I said, Because I did not find it commanded in the Word of +God. + +Keel. He said, We were commanded to pray. + +Bun. I said, But not by the Common Prayer-Book. + +Keel. He said, How then? + +Bun. I said, With the Spirit. As the apostle saith, I will pray +with the Spirit, and with the understanding. 1 Cor. xiv. 15. + +Keel. He said, We might pray with the Spirit, and with the +understanding, and with the Common Prayer-Book also. + +Bun. I said, that the prayers in the Common Prayer-Book were such +as was made by other men, and not by the motions of the Holy Ghost, +within our hearts; and as I said, the apostle saith, he will pray +with the Spirit, and with the understanding; not with the Spirit +and the Common Prayer-Book. + +Another Justice. What do you count prayer? Do you think it is to +say a few words over before or among a people? + +Bun. I said, No, not so; for men might have many elegant, or +excellent words, and yet not pray at all; but when a man prayeth, +he doth, through a sense of those things which he wants (which +sense is begotten by the Spirit), pour out his heart before God +through Christ; though his words be not so many and so excellent as +others are. + +Justices. They said, That was true. + +Bun. I said, This might be done without the Common Prayer-Book. + +Another. One of them said (I think it was Justice Blundale, or +Justice Snagg), How should we know that you do not write out your +prayers first, and then read them afterwards to the people? This +he spake in a laughing way. + +Bun. I said, it is not our use, to take a pen and paper, and write +a few words thereon, and then go and read it over to a company of +people. + +But how should we know it, said he? + +Bun. Sir, it is none of our custom, said I. + +Keel. But said Justice Keelin, It is lawful to use the Common +Prayer, and such like forms: for Christ taught His disciples to +pray, as John also taught his disciples. And further, said he, +Cannot one man teach another to pray? Faith comes by hearing; and +one man may convince another of sin, and therefore prayers made by +men, and read over, are good to teach, and help men to pray. + +While he was speaking these words, God brought that word into my +mind, in the eighth of the Romans, at the 26th verse. I say, God +brought it, for I thought not on it before: but as he was +speaking, it came so fresh into my mind, and was set so evidently +before me, as if the scripture had said, Take me, take me; so when +he had done speaking, + +Bun. I said, Sir, the scripture saith, that it is the spirit that +helpeth our infirmities; for we know not what we should pray for as +we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us, with +sighs and groanings which cannot be uttered. Mark, said I, it doth +not say the Common Prayer-Book teacheth us how to pray, but the +Spirit. And it is the Spirit that helpeth our infirmities, saith +the apostle; he doth not say it is the Common Prayer-Book. + +And as to the Lord's prayer, although it be an easy thing to say, +Our Father, etc., with the mouth; yet there is very few that can, +in the Spirit, say the two first words in that prayer; that is, +that can call God their Father, as knowing what it is to be born +again, and as having experience, that they are begotten of the +Spirit of God: which if they do not, all is but babbling, etc. + +Keel. Justice Keelin said that that was a truth. + +Bun. And I say further, as to your saying that one man may +convince another of sin, and that faith comes by hearing, and that +one man may tell another how he should pray, etc., I say men may +tell each other of their sins, but it is the Spirit that must +convince them. + +And though it be said that faith comes by hearing: yet it is the +Spirit that worketh faith in the heart through hearing, or else +they are not profited by hearing. Heb. iv. 12. + +And that though one man may tell another how he should pray: yet, +as I said before, he cannot pray, nor make his condition known to +God, except the Spirit help. It is not the Common Prayer-Book that +can do this. It is the Spirit that showeth us our sins, and the +Spirit that showeth us a Saviour, Jn. xvi. 16, and the Spirit that +stirreth up in our hearts desires to come to God, for such things +as we stand in need of, Matt. xi. 27, even sighing out our souls +unto Him for them with groans which cannot be uttered. With other +words to the same purpose. At this they were set. + +Keel. But says Justice Keelin, What have you against the Common +Prayer-Book? + +Bun. I said, Sir, if you will hear me, I shall lay down my reasons +against it. + +Keel. He said I should have liberty; but first, said he, let me +give you one caution; take heed of speaking irreverently of the +Common Prayer-Book; for if you do so, you will bring great damage +upon yourself. + +Bun. So I proceeded, and said, My first reason was, because it was +not commanded in the Word of God, and therefore I could not use it. + +Another. One of them said, Where do you find it commanded in the +Scripture, that you should go to Elstow, or Bedford, and yet it is +lawful to go to either of them, is it not? + +Bun. I said, To go to Elstow, or Bedford, was a civil thing, and +not material, though not commanded, and yet God's Word allowed me +to go about my calling, and therefore if it lay there, then to go +thither, etc. But to pray, was a great part of the Divine worship +of God, and therefore it ought to be done according to the rule of +God's Word. + + Another. One of them said, He will do harm; let him speak no +further. + +Keel. Justice Keelin said, No, no, never fear him, we are better +established than so; he can do no harm; we know the Common Prayer- +Book hath been ever since the apostles' time, and it is lawful for +it to be used in the church. + +Bun. I said, Show me the place in the epistles, where the Common +Prayer-Book is written, or one text of Scripture, that commands me +to read it, and I will use it. But yet, notwithstanding, said I, +they that have a mind to use it, they have their liberty; that is, +I would not keep them from it; but for our parts, we can pray to +God without it. Blessed be His name! + +With that, one of them said, Who is your God? Beelzebub? +Moreover, they often said, that I was possessed with the spirit of +delusion, and of the devil. All which sayings I passed over; the +Lord forgive them! And further, I said, Blessed be the Lord for +it; we are encouraged to meet together, and to pray, and exhort one +another; for, we have had the comfortable presence of God among us. +For ever blessed be His holy name! + +Keel. Justice Keelin called this pedler's French, saying, that I +must leave off my canting. The Lord open his eyes! + +Bun. I said that we ought to exhort one another daily, while it is +called to-day, etc. + +Keel. Justice Keelin said that I ought not to preach; and asked me +where I had my authority? with other such like words. + +Bun. I said that I would prove that it was lawful for me, and such +as I am, to preach the Word of God. + +Keel. He said unto me, By what Scripture? + +Bun. I said, By that in the first epistle of Peter, chap. iv. 10, +11, and Acts xviii., with other Scriptures, which he would not +suffer me to mention. But said, Hold; not so many, which is the +first? + +Bun. I said this: As every man hath received the gift, even so +let him minister the same unto another, as good stewards of the +manifold grace of God. If any man speak, let him speak as the +oracles of God, etc. + +Keel. He said, Let me a little open that Scripture to you: As +every man hath received the gift; that is, said he, as every one +hath received a trade, so let him follow it. If any man have +received a gift of tinkering, as thou hast done, let him follow his +tinkering. And so other men their trades. And the divine his +calling, etc. + +Bun. Nay, sir, said I, but it is most clear, that the apostle +speaks here of preaching the Word; if you do but compare both the +verses together, the next verse explains this gift what it is, +saying, if any man speak, let him speak as the oracles of God. So +that it is plain, that the Holy Ghost doth not so much in this +place exhort to civil callings, as to the exercising of those gifts +that we have received from God. I would have gone on, but he would +not give me leave. + +Keel. He said, We might do it in our families, but not otherways. + +Bun. I said, If it was lawful to do good to some, it was lawful to +do good to more. If it was a good duty to exhort our families, it +was good to exhort others; but if they held it a sin to meet +together to seek the face of God, and exhort one another to follow +Christ, I should sin still; for so we should do. + +Keel. He said he was not so well versed in Scripture as to +dispute, or words to that purpose. And said, moreover, that they +could not wait upon me any longer; but said to me, Then you confess +the indictment, do you not? Now, and not till now, I saw I was +indicted. + +Bun. I said, This I confess, we have had many meetings together, +both to pray to God, and to exhort one another, and that we had the +sweet comforting presence of the Lord among us for our +encouragement; blessed be His name therefore. I confessed myself +guilty no otherwise. + +Keel. Then, said he, bear your judgment. You must be had back +again to prison, and there lie for three months following; and at +three months' end, if you do not submit to go to church to hear +Divine service, and leave your preaching, you must be banished the +realm: and if, after such a day as shall be appointed you to be +gone, you shall be found in this realm, etc., or be found to come +over again without special licence from the king, etc., you must +stretch by the neck for it, I tell you plainly: and so he bid my +jailor have me away. + +Bun. I told him, as to this matter, I was at a point with him; for +if I were out of prison to-day, I would preach the Gospel again to- +morrow, by the help of God. + +Another. To which one made me some answer: but my jailor pulling +me away to be gone, I could not tell what he said. + +Thus I departed from them; and I can truly say, I bless the Lord +Jesus Christ for it, that my heart was sweetly refreshed in the +time of my examination, and also afterwards, at my returning to the +prison. So that I found Christ's words more than bare trifles, +where He saith, I will give you a mouth and wisdom, which all your +adversaries shall not be able to gainsay, nor resist. Luke xxi. +15. And that His peace no man can take from us. + +Thus have I given you the substance of my examination. The Lord +make this profitable to all that shall read or hear it. Farewell. + + + +The Substance of some Discourse had between the Clerk of the Peace +and myself; when he came to admonish me, according to the tenor of +that Law, by which I was in prison. + + + +When I had lain in prison other twelve weeks, and now not knowing +what they intended to do with me, upon the third of April 1661, +comes Mr Cobb unto me (as he told me), being sent by the justices +to admonish me; and demand of me submittance to the church of +England, etc. The extent of our discourse was as followeth. + +Cobb. When he was come into the house he sent for me out of my +chamber; who, when I was come unto him, he said, Neighbour Bunyan, +how do you do? + +Bun. I thank you, Sir, said I, very well, blessed be the Lord. + +Cobb. Saith he, I come to tell you, that it is desired you would +submit yourself to the laws of the land, or else at the next +sessions it will go worse with you, even to be sent away out of the +nation, or else worse than that. + +Bun. I said that I did desire to demean myself in the world, both +as becometh a man and a Christian. + +Cobb. But, saith he, you must submit to the laws of the land, and +leave off those meetings which you was wont to have; for the +statute-law is directly against it; and I am sent to you by the +justices to tell you that they do intend to prosecute the law +against you if you submit not. + +Bun. I said, Sir, I conceive that that law by which I am in prison +at this time, doth not reach or condemn either me, or the meetings +which I do frequent; that law was made against those, that being +designed to do evil in their meetings, making the exercise of +religion their pretence, to cover their wickedness. It doth not +forbid the private meetings of those that plainly and simply make +it their only end to worship the Lord, and to exhort one another to +edification. My end in meeting with others is simply to do as much +good as I can, by exhortation and counsel, according to that small +measure of light which God hath given me, and not to disturb the +peace of the nation. + +Cobb. Every one will say the same, said he; you see the late +insurrection at London, under what glorious pretences they went; +and yet, indeed, they intended no less than the ruin of the kingdom +and commonwealth. + +Bun. That practice of theirs, I abhor, said I; yet it doth not +follow that, because they did so, therefore all others will do so. +I look upon it as my duty to behave myself under the King's +government, both as becomes a man and a Christian, and if an +occasion were offered me, I should willingly manifest my loyalty to +my Prince, both by word and deed. + +Cobb. Well, said he, I do not profess myself to be a man that can +dispute; but this I say, truly, neighbour Bunyan, I would have you +consider this matter seriously, and submit yourself; you may have +your liberty to exhort your neighbour in private discourse, so be +you do not call together an assembly of people; and, truly, you may +do much good to the church of Christ, if you would go this way; and +this you may do, and the law not abridge you of it. It is your +private meetings that the law is against. + +Bun. Sir, said I, if I may do good to one by my discourse? why may +I not do good to two? And if to two, why not to four, and so to +eight? etc. + +Cobb. Ay, saith he, and to a hundred, I warrant you. + +Bun. Yes, Sir, said I, I think I should not be forbid to do as +much good as I can. + +Cobb. But, saith he, you may but pretend to do good, and instead, +notwithstanding, do harm, by seducing the people; you are, +therefore, denied your meeting so many together, lest you should do +harm. + +Bun. And yet, said I, you say the law tolerates me to discourse +with my neighbour; surely there is no law tolerates me seduce any +one; therefore if I may by the law discourse with one, surely it is +to do him good; and if I by discoursing may do good to one, surely, +by the same law, I may do good to many. + +Cobb. The law, saith he, doth expressly forbid your private +meetings; therefore they are not to be tolerated. + +Bun. I told him that I would not entertain so much +uncharitableness of that Parliament in the 35th of Elizabeth, or of +the Queen herself, as to think they did, by that law, intend the +oppressing of any of God's ordinances, or the interrupting any in +way of God; but men may, in the wresting of it, turn it against the +way of God; but take the law in itself, and it only fighteth +against those that drive at mischief in their hearts and meeting, +making religion only their cloak, colour, or pretence; for so are +the words of the statute: If any meetings, under colour or +pretence of religion, etc. + +Cobb. Very good; therefore the king, seeing that pretences are +usually in and among people, so as to make religion their pretence +only; therefore he, and the law before him, doth forbid such +private meetings, and tolerates only public; you may meet in +public. + +Bun. Sir, said I, let me answer you in a similitude: Set the case +that, at such a wood corner, there did usually come forth thieves, +to do mischief; must there therefore a law be made, that every one +that cometh out there shall be killed? May not there come out true +men as well as thieves out from thence? Just thus is it in this +case; I do think there may be many that may design the destruction +of the commonwealth; but it doth not follow therefore that all +private meetings are unlawful; those that transgress, let them be +punished. And if at any time I myself should do any act in my +conversation as doth not become a man and Christian, let me bear +the punishment. And as for your saying I may meet in public, if I +may be suffered, I would gladly do it. Let me have but meeting +enough in public, and I shall care the less to have them in +private. I do not meet in private because I am afraid to have +meetings in public. I bless the Lord that my heart is at that +point, that if any man can lay any thing to my charge, either in +doctrine or in practice, in this particular, that can be proved +error or heresy, I am willing to disown it, even in the very +market-place; but if it be truth, then to stand to it to the last +drop of my blood. And, Sir, said I, you ought to commend me for so +doing. To err and to be a heretic are two things; I am no heretic, +because I will not stand refractorily to defend any one thing that +is contrary to the Word. Prove any thing which I hold to be an +error, and I will recant it. + +Cobb. But, goodman Bunyan, said he, methinks you need not stand so +strictly upon this one thing, as to have meetings of such public +assemblies. Cannot you submit, and, notwithstanding, do as much +good as you can, in a neighbourly way, without having such +meetings? + +Bun. Truly, Sir, said I, I do not desire to commend myself, but to +think meanly of myself; yet when I do most despise myself, taking +notice of that small measure of light which God hath given me, also +that the people of the Lord (by their own saying), are edified +thereby. Besides, when I see that the Lord, through grace, hath in +some measure blessed my labour, I dare not but exercise that gift +which God hath given me for the good of the people. And I said +further, that I would willingly speak in public if I might. + +Cobb. He said, that I might come to the public assemblies and +hear. What though you do not preach? you may hear. Do not think +yourself so well enlightened, and that you have received a gift so +far above others, but that you may hear other men preach. Or to +that purpose. + +Bun. I told him, I was as willing to be taught as to give +instruction, and I looked upon it as my duty to do both; for, said +I, a man that is a teacher, he himself may learn also from another +that teacheth, as the apostle saith, We may all prophesy one by +one, that all may learn. 1 Cor. xiv. 31. That is, every man that +hath received a gift from God, he may dispense it, that others may +be comforted; and when he hath done, he may hear and learn, and be +comforted himself of others. + +Cobb. But, said he, what if you should forbear awhile, and sit +still, till you see further how things will go? + +Bun. Sir, said I, Wickliffe saith, that he which leaveth off +preaching and hearing of the Word of God for fear of +excommunication of men, he is already excommunicated of God, and +shall in the day of judgment be counted a traitor to Christ. + +Cobb. Ay, saith he, they that do not hear shall be so counted +indeed; do you, therefore, hear? + +Bun. But, Sir, said I, he saith, he that shall leave off either +preaching or hearing, etc. That is, if he hath received a gift for +edification, it is his sin, if he doth not lay it out in a way of +exhortation and counsel, according to the proportion of his gift; +as well as to spend his time altogether in hearing others preach. + +Cobb. But, said he, how shall we know that you have received a +gift? + +Bun. Said I, Let any man hear and search, and prove the doctrine +by the Bible. + +Cobb. But will you be willing, said he, that two indifferent +persons shall determine the case; and will you stand by their +judgment? + +Bun. I said, Are they infallible? + +Cobb. He said, No. + +Bun. Then, said I, it is possible my judgment may be as good as +theirs. But yet I will pass by either, and in this matter be +judged by the Scriptures; I am sure that is infallible, and cannot +err. + +Cobb. But, said he, who shall be judge between you, for you take +the Scriptures one way, and they another? + +Bun. I said the Scripture should: and that by comparing one +Scripture with another; for that will open itself, if it be rightly +compared. As for instance, if under the different apprehensions of +the word Mediator, you would know the truth of it, the Scriptures +open it, and tell us that he that is a mediator must take up the +business between two, and a mediator is not a mediator of one,--but +God is one, and there is one Mediator between God and men, even the +man Christ Jesus. Gal. iii. 20; 1 Tim. ii. 5. So likewise the +Scripture calleth Christ a complete, or perfect, or able high +priest. That is opened in that He is called man, and also God. +His blood also is discovered to be effectually efficacious by the +same things. So the Scripture, as touching the matter of meeting +together, etc., doth likewise sufficiently open itself and discover +its meaning. + +Cobb. But are you willing, said he, to stand to the judgment of +the church? + +Bun. Yes, Sir, said I, to the approbation of the church of God; +(the church's judgment is best expressed in Scripture). We had +much other discourse which I cannot well remember, about the laws +of the nation, and submission to governments; to which I did tell +him, that I did look upon myself as bound in conscience to walk +according to all righteous laws, and that, whether there was a king +or no; and if I did any thing that was contrary, I did hold it my +duty to bear patiently the penalty of the law, that was provided +against such offenders; with many more words to the like effect. +And said, moreover, that to cut off all occasions of suspicion from +any, as touching the harmlessness of my doctrine in private, I +would willingly take the pains to give any one the notes of all my +sermons; for I do sincerely desire to live quietly in my country, +and to submit to the present authority. + +Cobb. Well, neighbour Bunyan, said he, but indeed I would wish you +seriously to consider of these things, between this and the +quarter-sessions, and to submit yourself. You may do much good if +you continue still in the land; but alas, what benefit will it be +to your friends, or what good can you do to them, if you should be +sent away beyond the seas into Spain, or Constantinople, or some +other remote part of the world? Pray be ruled. + +Jailor. Indeed, Sir, I hope he will be ruled. + +Bun. I shall desire, said I, in all honesty to behave myself in +the nation, whilst I am in it. And if I must be so dealt withal, +as you say, I hope God will help me to bear what they shall lay +upon me. I know no evil that I have done in this matter, to be so +used. I speak as in the presence of God. + +Cobb. You know, saith he, that the Scripture saith, the powers +that be, are ordained of God. + +Bun. I said, Yes, and that I was to submit to the King as supreme, +and also to the governors, as to them who are sent by Him. + +Cobb. Well then, said he, the King then commands you, that you +should not have any private meetings; because it is against his +law, and he is ordained of God, therefore you should not have any. + +Bun. I told him that Paul did own the powers that were in his day, +to be of God; and yet he was often in prison under them for all +that. And also, though Jesus Christ told Pilate, that He had no +power against him, but of God, yet He died under the same Pilate; +and yet, said I, I hope you will not say that either Paul, or +Christ, were such as did deny magistracy, and so sinned against God +in slighting the ordinance. Sir, said I, the law hath provided two +ways of obeying: the one to do that which I, in my conscience, do +believe that I am bound to do, actively; and where I cannot obey +actively, there I am willing to lie down, and to suffer what they +shall do unto me. At this he sat still, and said no more; which +when he had done, I did thank him for his civil and meek +discoursing with me; and so we parted. + +O! that we might meet in heaven! + +Farewell. J. B. + + + +Here followeth a discourse between my Wife and the Judges, with +others, touching my Deliverance at the Assizes following; the which +I took from her own Mouth. + + + +After that I had received this sentence of banishing, or hanging, +from them, and after the former admonition, touching the +determination of the justices if I did not recant; just when the +time drew nigh, in which I should have abjured, or have done worse +(as Mr Cobb told me), came the time in which the King was to be +crowned. Now, at the coronation of kings, there is usually a +releasement of divers prisoners, by virtue of his coronation; in +which privilege also I should have had my share; but that they took +me for a convicted person, and therefore, unless I sued out a +pardon (as they called it), I could have no benefit thereby, +notwithstanding, yet, forasmuch as the coronation proclamation did +give liberty, from the day the King was crowned, to that day +twelvemonth, to sue them out; therefore, though they would not let +me out of prison, as they let out thousands, yet they could not +meddle with me, as touching the execution of their sentence; +because of the liberty offered for the suing out of pardons. +Whereupon I continued in prison till the next assizes, which are +called Midsummer assizes, being then kept in August, 1661. + +Now, at that assizes, because I would not leave any possible means +unattempted that might be lawful, I did, by my wife, present a +petition to the judges three times, that I might be heard, and that +they would impartially take my case into consideration. + +The first time my wife went, she presented it to Judge Hale, who +very mildly received it at her hand, telling her that he would do +her and me the best good he could; but he feared, he said, he could +do none. The next day, again, lest they should, through the +multitude of business, forget me, we did throw another petition +into the coach to Judge Twisdon; who, when he had seen it, snapt +her up, and angrily told her that I was a convicted person, and +could not be released, unless I would promise to preach no more, +etc. + +Well, after this, she yet again presented another to judge Hale, as +he sat on the bench, who, as it seemed, was willing to give her +audience. Only Justice Chester being present, stept up and said, +that I was convicted in the court, and that I was a hot-spirited +fellow (or words to that purpose), whereat he waived it, and did +not meddle therewith. But yet, my wife being encouraged by the +high-sheriff, did venture once more into their presence (as the +poor widow did before the unjust judge) to try what she could do +with them for my liberty, before they went forth of the town. The +place where she went to them, was to the Swan-chamber, where the +two judges, and many justices and gentry of the country, was in +company together. She then coming into the chamber with a bashed +face, and a trembling heart, began her errand to them in this +manner:- + +Woman. My lord (directing herself to judge Hale), I make bold to +come once again to your Lordship, to know what may be done with my +husband. + +Judge Hale. To whom he said, Woman, I told thee before I could do +thee no good; because they have taken that for a conviction which +thy husband spoke at the sessions: and unless there be something +done to undo that, I can do thee no good. + +Woman. My lord, said she, he is kept unlawfully in prison; they +clapped him up before there was any proclamation against the +meetings; the indictment also is false. Besides, they never asked +him whether he was guilty or no; neither did he confess the +indictment. + +One of the Justices. Then one of the justices that stood by, whom +she knew not, said, My Lord, he was lawfully convicted. + +Wom. It is false, said she; for when they said to him, Do you +confess the indictment? he said only this, that he had been at +several meetings, both where there were preaching the Word, and +prayer, and that they had God's presence among them. + +Judge Twisdon. Whereat Judge Twisdon answered very angrily, +saying, What, you think we can do what we list; your husband is a +breaker of the peace, and is convicted by the law, etc. Whereupon +Judge Hale called for the Statute Book. + +Wom. But, said she, my lord, he was not lawfully convicted. + +Chester. Then Justice Chester said, My lord, he was lawfully +convicted. + +Wom. It is false, said she; it was but a word of discourse that +they took for a conviction (as you heard before). + +Chest. But it is recorded, woman; it is recorded, said Justice +Chester; as if it must be of necessity true, because it was +recorded. With which words he often endeavoured to stop her mouth, +having no other argument to convince her, but it is recorded, it is +recorded. + +Wom. My Lord, said she, I was a while since at London, to see if I +could get my husband's liberty; and there I spoke with my lord +Barkwood, one of the House of Lords, to whom I delivered a +petition, who took it of me and presented it to some of the rest of +the House of Lords, for my husband's releasement; who, when they +had seen it, they said, that they could not release him, but had +committed his releasement to the judges, at the next assizes. This +he told me; and now I am come to you to see if any thing may be +done in this business, and you give neither releasement nor relief. +To which they gave her no answer, but made as if they heard her +not. + +Chest. Only Justice Chester was often up with this,--He is +convicted, and it is recorded. + +Wom. If it be, it is false, said she. + +Chest. My lord, said Justice Chester, he is a pestilent fellow, +there is not such a fellow in the country again. + +Twis. What, will your husband leave preaching? If he will do so, +then send for him. + +Wom. My lord, said she, he dares not leave preaching as long as he +can speak. + +Twis. See here, what should we talk any more about such a fellow? +Must he do what he lists? He is a breaker of the peace. + +Wom. She told him again, that he desired to live peaceably, and to +follow his calling, that his family might be maintained; and +moreover, said, My Lord, I have four small children, that cannot +help themselves, one of which is blind, and have nothing to live +upon, but the charity of good people. + +Hale. Hast thou four children? said Judge Hale; thou art but a +young woman to have four children. + +Wom. My lord, said she, I am but mother-in-law to them, having not +been married to him yet full two years. Indeed, I was with child +when my husband was first apprehended; but being young, and +unaccustomed to such things, said she, I being smayed at the news, +fell into labour, and so continued for eight days, and then was +delivered, but my child died. + +Hale. Whereat, he looking very soberly on the matter, said, Alas, +poor woman! + +Twis. But Judge Twisdon told her, that she made poverty her cloak; +and said, moreover, that he understood I was maintained better by +running up and down a preaching, than by following my calling. + +Hale. What is his calling? said Judge Hale. + +Answer. Then some of the company that stood by, said, A tinker, my +lord. + +Wom. Yes, said she; and because he is a tinker, and a poor man, +therefore he is despised, and cannot have justice. + +Hale. Then Judge Hale answered very mildly, saying, I tell thee, +woman, seeing it is so, that they have taken what thy husband spake +for a conviction; thou must either apply thyself to the King, or +sue out his pardon, or get a writ of error. + +Chest. But when Justice Chester heard him give her this counsel; +and especially (as she supposed) because he spoke of a writ of +error, he chafed, and seemed to be very much offended; saying, My +lord, he will preach and do what he lists. + +Wom. He preacheth nothing but the Word of God, said she. + +Twis. He preach the Word of God! said Twisdon; and withal, she +thought he would have struck her; he runneth up and down, and doth +harm. + +Wom. No, my lord, said she, it is not so; God hath owned him, and +done much good by him. + +Twis. God! said he, his doctrine is the doctrine of the devil. + +Wom. My lord, said she, when the righteous Judge shall appear, it +will be known that his doctrine is not the doctrine of the devil. + +Twis. My lord, said he, to Judge Hale, do not mind her, but send +her away. + +Hale. Then said Judge Hale, I am sorry, woman, that I can do thee +no good; thou must do one of those three things aforesaid, namely, +either to apply thyself to the King, or sue out his pardon, or get +a writ of error; but a writ of error will be cheapest. + +Wom. At which Chester again seemed to be in a chafe, and put off +his hat, and as she thought, scratched his head for anger: but +when I saw, said she, that there was no prevailing to have my +husband sent for, though I often desired them that they would send +for him, that he might speak for himself; telling them, that he +could give them better satisfaction than I could, in what they +demanded of him, with several other things, which now I forget; +only this I remember, that though I was somewhat timorous at my +first entrance into the chamber, yet before I went out, I could not +but break forth into tears, not so much because they were so hard- +hearted against me, and my husband, but to think what a sad account +such poor creatures will have to give at the coming of the Lord, +when they shall there answer for all things whatsoever they have +done in the body, whether it be good, or whether it be bad. + +So, when I departed from them, the book of statutes was brought, +but what they said of it I know nothing at all, neither did I hear +any more from them. + + + +Some Carriages of the Adversaries of God's Truth with me at the +next Assizes, which was on the 19th of the first month, 1662. + + + +I shall pass by what befell between these two assizes, how I had, +by my jailor, some liberty granted me, more than at the first, and +how I followed my wonted course of preaching, taking all occasions +that were put into my hand to visit the people of God; exhorting +them to be steadfast in the faith of Jesus Christ, and to take heed +that they touched not the Common Prayer, etc., but to mind the Word +of God, which giveth direction to Christians in every point, being +able to make the man of God perfect in all things through faith in +Jesus Christ, and thoroughly to furnish him unto all good works. 2 +Tim. iii. 17. Also how I having, I say, somewhat more liberty, did +go to see the Christians at London; which my enemies hearing of, +were so angry, that they had almost cast my jailor out of his +place, threatening to indict him, and to do what they could against +him. They charged me also, that I went thither to plot and raise +division, and make insurrection, which, God knows, was a slander; +whereupon my liberty was more straitened than it was before; so +that I must not now look out of the door. Well, when the next +sessions came, which was about the 10th of the 11th month (1661), I +did expect to have been very roundly dealt withal; but they passed +me by, and would not call me, so that I rested till the assizes, +which was held the 19th of the first month (1662) following; and +when they came, because I had a desire to come before the judge, I +desired my jailor to put my name into the calendar among the +felons, and made friends of the judge and high-sheriff, who +promised that I should be called: so that I thought what I had +done might have been effectual for the obtaining of my desire: but +all was in vain; for when the assizes came, though my name was in +the calendar, and also though both the judge and sheriff had +promised that I should appear before them, yet the justices and the +clerk of the peace, did so work it about, that I, notwithstanding, +was deferred, and was not suffered to appear: and although I say, +I do not know of all their carriages towards me, yet this I know, +that the clerk of the peace (Mr Cobb) did discover himself to be +one of my greatest opposers: for, first he came to my jailor and +told him that I must not go down before the judge, and therefore +must not be put into the calendar; to whom my jailor said, that my +name was in already. He bid him put it out again; my jailor told +him that he could not: for he had given the judge a calendar with +my name in it, and also the sheriff another. At which he was very +much displeased, and desired to see that calendar that was yet in +my jailor's hand, who, when he had given it him, he looked on it, +and said it was a false calendar; he also took the calendar and +blotted out my accusation, as my jailor had written it (which +accusation I cannot tell what it was, because it was so blotted +out), and he himself put in words to this purpose: That John +Bunyan was committed to prison; being lawfully convicted for +upholding of unlawful meetings and conventicles, etc. But yet for +all this, fearing that what he had done, unless he added thereto, +it would not do, he first ran to the clerk of the assizes; then to +the justices, and afterwards, because he would not leave any means +unattempted to hinder me, he came again to my jailor, and told him, +that if I did go down before the judge, and was released, he would +make him pay my fees, which he said was due to him; and further, +told him, that he would complain of him at the next quarter +sessions for making of false calendars, though my jailor himself, +as I afterwards learned, had put in my accusation worse than in +itself it was by far. And thus was I hindered and prevented at +that time also from appearing before the judge: and left in +prison. + +Farewell. + +JOHN BUNYAN. + + + +A Continuation of Mr BUNYAN'S LIFE; beginning where he left off, +and concluding with the Time and Manner of his Death and Burial: +together with his true Character, etc. + + + +Reader, the painful and industrious author of this book, has +already given you a faithful and very moving relation of the +beginning and middle of the days of his pilgrimage on earth; and +since there yet remains somewhat worthy of notice and regard, which +occurred in the last scene of his life, the which, for want of +time, or fear, some over-censorious people should impute it to him +as an earnest coveting of praise from men, he has not left behind +him in writing. Wherefore, as a true friend, and long acquaintance +of Mr Bunyan's that his good end may be known, as well as his evil +beginning, I have taken upon me, from my knowledge, and the best +account given by other of his friends, to piece this to the thread +too soon broke off, and so lengthen it out to his entering upon +eternity. + +He has told you at large, of his birth and education; the evil +habits and corruptions of his youth; the temptations he struggled +and conflicted so frequently with, the mercies, comforts, and +deliverances he found, how he came to take upon him the preaching +of the Gospel; the slanders, reproaches and imprisonments that +attended him, and the progress he notwithstanding made (by the +assistance of God's grace) no doubt to the saving of many souls: +therefore take these things, as he himself hath methodically laid +them down in the words of verity; and so I pass on to what remains. + +After his being freed from his twelve years' imprisonment and +upwards, for nonconformity, wherein he had time to furnish the +world with sundry good books, etc., and by his patience, to move Dr +Barlow, the then Bishop of Lincoln, and other church-men, to pity +his hard and unreasonable sufferings, so far as to stand very much +his friends, in procuring his enlargement, or there perhaps he had +died, by the noisomeness and ill usage of the place. Being now, I +say, again at liberty, and having through mercy shaken off his +bodily fetters,--for those upon his soul were broken before by the +abounding grace that filled his heart,--he went to visit those that +had been a comfort to him in his tribulation, with a Christian-like +acknowledgment of their kindness and enlargement of charity; giving +encouragement by his example, if it happened to be their hard haps +to fall into affliction or trouble, then to suffer patiently for +the sake of a good conscience, and for the love of God in Jesus +Christ towards their souls, and by many cordial persuasions, +supported some whose spirits began to sink low, through the fear of +danger that threatened their worldly concernment, so that the +people found a wonderful consolation in his discourse and +admonitions. + +As often as opportunity would admit, he gathered them together +(though the law was then in force against meetings) in convenient +places, and fed them with the sincere milk of the Word, that they +might grow up in grace thereby. To such as were anywhere taken and +imprisoned upon these accounts, he made it another part of his +business to extend his charity, and gather relief for such of them +as wanted. + +He took great care to visit the sick, and strengthen them against +the suggestions of the tempter, which at such times are very +prevalent; so that they had cause for ever to bless God, Who had +put it into his heart, at such a time, to rescue them from the +power of the roaring lion, who sought to devour them; nor did he +spare any pains or labour in travel, though to remote counties, +where he knew or imagined any people might stand in need of his +assistance; insomuch that some, by these visitations that he made, +which was two or three every year (some, though in a jeering manner +no doubt, gave him the epithet of Bishop Bunyan) whilst others +envied him for his so earnestly labouring in Christ's vineyard; yet +the seed of the Word he (all this while) sowed in the hearts of his +congregation, watered with the grace of God, brought forth in +abundance, in bringing in disciples to the church of Christ. + +Another part of his time is spent in reconciling differences, by +which he hindered many mischiefs, and saved some families from +ruin, and in such fallings-out he was uneasy, till he found a means +to labour a reconciliation, and become a peace-maker, on whom a +blessing is promised in holy writ; and indeed in doing this good +office, he may be said to sum up his days, it being the last +undertaking of his life, as will appear in the close of this paper. + +When in the late reign, liberty of conscience was unexpectedly +given and indulged to dissenters of all persuasions, his piercing +wit penetrated the veil, and found that it was not for the +dissenters' sakes they were so suddenly freed from the hard +prosecutions that had long lain heavy upon them, and set in a +manner, on an equal foot with the Church of England, which the +papists were undermining, and about to subvert: he foresaw all the +advantages that could have redounded to the dissenters would have +been no more than what Polyphemus, the monstrous giant of Sicily, +would have allowed Ulysses, viz.: That he would eat his men first, +and do him the favour of being eaten last: for although Mr Bunyan, +following the examples of others, did lay hold of this liberty, as +an acceptable thing in itself, knowing God is the only Lord of +conscience, and that it is good at all times to do according to the +dictates of a good conscience, and that the preaching the glad +tidings of the Gospel is beautiful in the preacher; yet in all this +he moved with caution and a holy fear, earnestly praying for the +averting impending judgments, which he saw, like a black tempest, +hanging over our heads for our sins, and ready to break in upon us, +and that the Ninevites' remedy was now highly necessary: hereupon +he gathered his congregation at Bedford, where he mostly lived, and +had lived and spent the greatest part of his life; and there being +no convenient place to be had for the entertainment of so great a +confluence of people as followed him upon the account of his +teaching, he consulted with them for the building of a meeting- +house, to which they made their voluntary contributions with all +cheerfulness and alacrity; and the first time he appeared there to +edify, the place was so thronged, that many was constrained to stay +without, though the house was very spacious, every one striving to +partake of his instructions, that were of his persuasion, and show +their good-will towards him, by being present at the opening of the +place; and here he lived in much peace and quiet of mind, +contenting himself with that little God had bestowed upon him, and +sequestering himself from all secular employments, to follow that +of his call to the ministry; for as God said to Moses, He that made +the lips and heart, can give eloquence and wisdom, without +extraordinary acquirements in an university. + +During these things, there were regulators sent into all cities and +towns corporate, to new model the government in the magistracy, +etc., by turning out some, and putting in others: against this Mr +Bunyan expressed his zeal with some weariness, as foreseeing the +bad consequence that would attend it, and laboured with his +congregation to prevent their being imposed on in this kind; and +when a great man in those days, coming to Bedford upon some such +errand, sent for him, as 'tis supposed, to give him a place of +public trust, he would by no means come at him, but sent his +excuse. + +When he was at leisure from writing and teaching, he often came up +to London, and there went among the congregations of the non- +conformists, and used his talent to the great good-liking of the +hearers; and even some to whom he had been mis-represented, upon +the account of his education, were convinced of his worth and +knowledge in sacred things, as perceiving him to be a man of round +judgment, delivering himself plainly and powerfully; insomuch that +many, who came mere spectators for novelty sake rather than to +edify and be improved, went away well satisfied with what they +heard, and wondered, as the Jews did at the Apostles, viz.: Whence +this man should have these things; perhaps not considering that God +more immediately assists those that make it their business +industriously and cheerfully to labour in His vineyard. + +Thus he spent his latter years in imitation of his great Lord and +Master, the ever-blessed Jesus; he went about doing good, so that +the most prying critic, or even Malice herself, is defied to find, +even upon the narrowest search or observation, any sully or stain +upon his reputation, with which he may be justly charged; and this +we note, as a challenge to those that have the least regard for +him, or them of his persuasion, and have one way or other appeared +in the front of those that oppressed him; and for the turning whose +hearts, in obedience to the commission and commandment given him of +God, he frequently prayed, and sometimes sought a blessing for +them, even with tears, the effects of which, they may, +peradventure, though undeservedly, have found in their persons, +friends, relations, or estates; for God will hear the prayer of the +faithful, and answer them, even for them that vex them, as it +happened in the case of Job's praying for the three persons that +had been grievous in their reproach against him, even in the day of +his sorrow. + +But yet let me come a little nearer to particulars and periods of +time, for the better refreshing the memories of those that knew his +labour and suffering, and for the satisfaction of all that shall +read this book. + +After he was sensibly convicted of the wicked state of his life, +and converted, he was baptized into the congregation, and admitted +a member thereof, viz., in the year 1655, and became speedily a +very zealous professor; but upon the return of King Charles to the +crown in 1660, he was the 12th of November taken, as he was +edifying some good people that were got together to hear the word, +and confined in Bedford jail for the space of six years, till the +act of Indulgence to dissenters being allowed, he obtained his +freedom, by the intercession of some in trust and power, that took +pity on his sufferings; but within six years afterwards he was +again taken up, viz., in the year 1666, and was then confined for +six years more, when even the jailor took such pity of his rigorous +sufferings, that he did as the Egyptian jailor did to Joseph, put +all the care and trust in his hand: When he was taken this last +time, he was preaching on these words, viz.: Dost thou believe the +Son of God? And this imprisonment continued six years, and when +this was over, another short affliction, which was an imprisonment +of half a year, fell to his share. During these confinements he +wrote the following books, viz.: Of Prayer by the Spirit: The +Holy City's Resurrection: Grace Abounding: Pilgrim's Progress, +the first part. + +In the last year of his twelve years' imprisonment, the pastor of +the congregation at Bedford died, and he was chosen to that care of +souls, on the 12th of December 1671. And in this his charge, he +often had disputes with scholars that came to oppose him, as +supposing him an ignorant person, and though he argued plainly, and +by Scripture, without phrases and logical expressions, yet he +nonplussed one who came to oppose him in his congregation, by +demanding, Whether or no we had the true copies of the original +Scriptures; and another, when he was preaching, accused him of +uncharitableness, for saying, It was very hard for most to be +saved; saying, by that he went about to exclude most of his +congregation; but he confuted him, and put him to silence with the +parable of the stony ground, and other texts out of the 13th +chapter of St Matthew, in our Saviour's sermon out of a ship; all +his methods being to keep close to the Scriptures, and what he +found not warranted there, himself would not warrant nor determine, +unless in such cases as were plain, wherein no doubts or scruples +did arise. + +But not to make any further mention of this kind, it is well known +that this person managed all his affairs with such exactness, as if +he had made it his study, above all other things, not to give +occasion of offence, but rather suffer many inconveniences, to +avoid being never heard to reproach or revile any, what injury +soever he received, but rather to rebuke those that did; and as it +was in his conversation, so it is manifested in those books he has +caused to be published to the world; where like the archangel +disputing with Satan about the body of Moses, as we find it in the +epistle of St Jude, brings no railing accusation (but leaves the +rebukers, those that persecuted him) to the Lord. + +In his family he kept up a very strict discipline in prayer and +exhortation; being in this like Joshua, as the good man expresses +it, viz., Whatsoever others did, as for me and my house, we will +serve the Lord: and indeed a blessing waited on his labours and +endeavours, so that his wife, as the Psalmist says, was like a +pleasant vine upon the walls of his house, and his children like +olive branches round his table; for so shall it be with the man +that fears the Lord, and though by reason of the many losses he +sustained by imprisonment and spoil, of his chargeable sickness, +etc., his earthly treasure swelled not to excess; he always had +sufficient to live decently and creditably, and with that he had +the greatest of all treasures, which is content; for as the wise +man says, That is a continual feast. + +But where content dwells, even a poor cottage is a kingly palace, +and this happiness he had all his life long; not so much minding +this world, as knowing he was here as a pilgrim and stranger, and +had no tarrying city, but looked for one made with hands eternal in +the highest heavens: but at length was worn out with sufferings, +age, and often teaching, the day of his dissolution drew near, and +death, that unlocks the prison of the soul, to enlarge it for a +more glorious mansion, put a stop to his acting his part on the +stage of mortality; heaven, like earthly princes, when it threatens +war, being always so kind as to call home its ambassadors before it +be denounced, and even the last act or undertaking of his, was a +labour of love and charity; for it so falling out that a young +gentleman, a neighbour of Mr Bunyan's, happening into the +displeasure of his father, and being much troubled in mind upon +that account, and also for that he heard his father purposed to +disinherit him, or otherwise deprive him of what he had to leave; +he pitched upon Mr Bunyan as a fit man to make way for his +submission, and prepare his father's mind to receive him; and he, +as willing to do any good office, as it could be requested, as +readily undertook it; and so riding to Reading in Berkshire, he +then there used such pressing arguments and reasons against anger +and passion, as also for love and reconciliation, that the father +was mollified, and his bowels yearned to his returning son. + +But Mr Bunyan, after he had disposed all things to the best for +accommodation, returning to London, and being overtaken with +excessive rains, coming to his lodgings extremely wet, fell sick of +a violent fever, which he bore with much constancy and patience, +and expressed himself as if he desired nothing more than to be +dissolved, and be with Christ, in that case esteeming death as +gain, and life only a tedious delaying felicity expected; and +finding his vital strength decay, having settled his mind and +affairs, as well as the shortness of time, and the violence of his +disease would permit, with a constant and christian patience, he +resigned his soul into the hands of his most merciful Redeemer, +following his pilgrim from the City of Destruction, to the New +Jerusalem; his better part having been all along there, in holy +contemplation, pantings and breathings after the hidden manna and +water of life, as by many holy and humble consolations expressed in +his letters to several persons in prison, and out of prison, too +many to be inserted at present. He died at the house of one Mr +Struddock, a grocer, at the Star on Snow Hill, in the parish of St +Sepulchre's, London, on the 12th of August 1688, and in the +sixtieth year of his age, after ten days' sickness; and was buried +in the new burying place near the Artillery Ground; where he sleeps +to the morning of the resurrection, in hopes of a glorious rising +to an incorruptible immortality of joy and happiness; where no more +trouble and sorrow shall afflict him, but all tears be wiped away; +when the just shall be incorporated as members of Christ their +head, and reign with Him as kings and priests for ever. + + + +A brief Character of Mr JOHN BUNYAN + + + +He appeared in countenance to be of a stern and rough temper, but +in his conversation mild and affable; not given to loquacity or +much discourse in company, unless some urgent occasion required it; +observing never to boast of himself or his parts, but rather seem +low in his own eyes, and submit himself to the judgment of others, +abhorring lying and swearing, being just in all that lay in his +power to his word, not seeming to revenge injuries, loving to +reconcile differences, and make friendship with all; he had a sharp +quick eye, accompanied with an excellent discerning of persons, +being of good judgment and quick wit. As for his person, he was +tall of stature, strong boned, though not corpulent, somewhat of a +ruddy face, with sparkling eyes, wearing his hair on his upper lip, +after the old British fashion; his hair reddish, but in his latter +days, time had sprinkled it with grey; his nose well set, but not +declining or bending, and his mouth moderate large; his forehead +somewhat high, and his habit always plain and modest. And thus +have we impartially described the internal and external parts of a +person, whose death hath been much regretted; a person who had +tried the smiles and frowns of time; not puffed up in prosperity, +nor shaken in adversity; always holding the golden mean. + + +In him at once did three great worthies shine, +Historian, poet, and a choice divine: +Then let him rest in undisturbed dust, +Until the resurrection of the just. + + + +POSTSCRIPT + + + +In this his pilgrimage, God blessed him with four children, one of +which, named Mary, was blind, and died some years before; his other +children were Thomas, Joseph, and Sarah; his wife Elizabeth having +lived to see him overcome his labour and sorrow, and pass from this +life to receive the reward of his work, long survived him not; but +in 1692 she died, to follow her faithful pilgrim from this world to +the other, whither he was gone before her; whilst his works, which +consist of sixty books, remain for the edifying of the reader, and +praise of the author. + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, GRACE ABOUNDING *** + +This file should be named gacos10.txt or gacos10.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, gacos11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, gacos10a.txt + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS*Ver.02/11/02*END* + diff --git a/old/gacos10.zip b/old/gacos10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..76223b1 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/gacos10.zip diff --git a/old/gacos10h.htm b/old/gacos10h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2eb29b3 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/gacos10h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,5813 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01//EN"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=US-ASCII"> +<title>Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners</title> +</head> +<body> +<h2> +<a href="#startoftext">Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners, by John Bunyan</a> +</h2> +<pre> +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners +by John Bunyan +(#3 in our series by John Bunyan) + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. 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You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners + +Author: John Bunyan + +Release Date: September, 1996 [EBook #654] +[This file was first posted on October 22, 1996] +[Most recently updated: September 8, 2002] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII +</pre> +<p> +<a name="startoftext"></a> +Transcribed from the 1905 The Religious Tract Society edition by David +Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS<br> +In a faithful account of the life and death of John Bunyan<br> +Or<br> +A brief relation of the exceeding mercy of God in Christ to him<br> +Namely<br> +In His taking him out of the dunghill, and converting him to the faith +of His blessed son Jesus Christ. Here is also particularly shewed, +what sight of, and what troubles he had for sin; and also, what various +temptations he hath met with, and how God hath carried him through them.<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +A PREFACE<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +OR, BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE PUBLISHING THIS WORK. WRITTEN BY THE +AUTHOR THEREOF, AND DEDICATED TO THOSE WHOM GOD HATH COUNTED HIM WORTHY +TO BEGET TO FAITH, BY HIS MINISTRY IN THE WORD<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +Children, Grace be with you. <i>Amen</i>. I being taken +from you in presence, and so tied up that I cannot perform that duty, +that from God doth lie upon me to you-ward, for your farther edifying +and building up in faith and holiness, etc., yet that you may see my +soul hath fatherly care and desire after your spiritual and everlasting +welfare, I now once again, as before, from the top of <i>Shenir</i> +and<i> Hermon</i>, so now from <i>the lions’ dens, from the mountains +of</i> <i>the leopards</i> (Song iv. 8), do look yet after you all, +greatly longing to see your safe arrival into THE desired Haven.<br> +<br> +I thank God upon every remembrance of you; and rejoice, even while I +stick between the teeth of the lion in the wilderness, that the grace +and mercy, and knowledge of Christ our Saviour, which God hath bestowed +upon you, with abundance of faith and love; your hungerings and thirstings +after farther acquaintance with the Father, in the Son; your tenderness +of heart, your trembling at sin, your sober and holy deportment also, +before both God and men, is a great refreshment to me; <i>For ye</i> +<i>are our glory and joy</i>. 1 Thess. ii. 20.<br> +<br> +I have sent you here enclosed, a drop of that honey that I have taken +out of the carcase of a lion. Judg. xiv. 5-8. I have eaten +thereof myself, and am much refreshed thereby. (Temptations, when +we meet them at first, are as the lion that roared upon <i>Samson</i>; +but if we overcome them, the next time we see them, we shall find a +nest of honey within them.) The <i>Philistines</i> understand +me not. It is something of a relation of the work of God upon +my soul, even from the very first, till now, wherein you may perceive +my castings down, and risings up: for He woundeth, and His hands make +whole. It is written in the Scripture, Isa. xxxviii. 19,<i> The +father to the children shall make known Thy truth</i>. Yea, it +was for this reason I lay so long at Sinai, Lev. iv. 10, 11, to see +the fire, and the cloud, and the darkness, <i>that I might</i> <i>fear +the Lord all the days of my life upon earth, and</i> <i>tell of His +wondrous works to my children</i>. Psalm lxxviii. 3-5.<br> +<br> +Moses, Numb. xxxiii. 1, 2, writ of the journeys of the children of <i>Israel</i>, +from <i>Egypt</i> to the land of <i>Canaan</i>; and commanded also that +they did remember their forty years’ travel in the wilderness. +<i>Thou shalt remember all the way which the Lord thy God led</i> <i>thee +these forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee</i>, <i>and to prove +thee, and to know what was in thine</i> <i>heart, whether thou wouldst +keep His commandments</i>, <i>or no</i>. Deut. viii. 2. +Wherefore this I have endeavoured to do; and not only so, but to publish +it also; that, if God will, others may be put in remembrance of what +He hath done for their souls, by reading His work upon me.<br> +<br> +It is profitable for Christians to be often calling to mind the very +beginnings of grace with their souls. <i>It is a night to be much +observed unto the</i> <i>Lord, for bringing them out from the land of +Egypt</i>. <i>This is that night of the Lord to be observed of +all</i> <i>the children of Israel in their generations</i>. Exod. +xii. 42. <i>O my God</i> (saith <i>David</i>), Ps. xlii. 6, <i>my</i> +<i>soul is cast down within me</i>; <i>therefore will I remember</i> +<i>thee from the land of Jordan, and of the Hermonites</i>, <i>from +the hill Mizar</i>. He remembered also the lion and the bear, +when he went to fight with the giant of <i>Gath</i>. 1 Sam. xvii. +36, 37.<br> +<br> +It was <i>Paul’s</i> accustomed manner, Acts xxii., and that, +when tried for his life, Acts xxiv., even to open before his judges +the manner of his conversion: he would think of that day, and that hour, +in which he first did meet with grace; for he found it supported him. +When God had brought the children of Israel out of the Red Sea, far +into the wilderness, yet they must turn quite about thither again, to +remember the drowning of their enemies there, Numb. xiv. 25, for though +they sang his praise before, yet they soon forgat his works. Psalm +cvi. 11, 12.<br> +<br> +In this discourse of mine, you may see much; much I say, of the grace +of God towards me: I thank God, I can count it much; for it was above +my sins and Satan’s temptations too. I can remember my fears +and doubts, and sad months, with comfort; they are as the head of <i>Goliah</i> +in my hand: there was nothing to <i>David</i> like <i>Goliah’s</i> +sword, even that sword that should have been sheathed in his bowels; +for the very sight and remembrance of that did preach forth God’s +deliverance to him. Oh! the remembrance of my great sins, of my +great temptations, and of my great fear of perishing for ever! +They bring afresh into my mind, the remembrance of my great help, my +great supports from heaven, and the great grace that God extended to +such a wretch as I.<br> +<br> +My dear children, call to mind the former days, and years of ancient +times: remember also your songs in the night, and commune with your +own Hearts, Ps. lxxiii. 5-12. Yea, look diligently, and leave +no corner therein unsearched for that treasure hid, even the treasure +of your first and second experience of the grace of God towards you. +Remember, I say, the word that first laid hold upon you: remember your +terrors of conscience, and fear of death and hell: remember also your +tears and prayers to God; yea, how you sighed under every hedge for +mercy. Have you never a hill <i>Mizar</i> to remember? Have +you forgot the close, the milk-house, the stable, the barn, and the +like, where God did visit your souls? Remember also the word, +the word, I say, upon which the Lord hath caused you to hope: if you +have sinned against light, if you are tempted to blaspheme, if you are +drowned in despair, if you think God fights against you, or if heaven +is hid from your eyes; remember it was thus with your father; <i>but +out of them all the Lord</i> <i>delivered me.<br> +<br> +</i>I could have enlarged much in this my discourse, of my temptations +and troubles for sin; as also of the merciful kindness and working of +God with my soul: I could also have stepped into a style much higher +than this, in which I have here discoursed, and could have adorned all +things more than here I have seemed to do, but I dare not: God did not +play in tempting of me; neither did I play, when I sunk as into the +bottomless pit, when the <i>pangs of</i> <i>hell caught hold upon me</i>; +wherefore I may not play in relating of them, but be plain and simple, +and lay down the thing as it was; he that liketh it, let him receive +it, and he that doth not, let him produce a better. Farewell.<br> +<br> +My dear Children,<br> +<br> +<i>The milk and honey are beyond this wilderness</i>. <i>God be +merciful to you, and grant that you be not</i> <i>slothful to go in +to possess the land.<br> +<br> +</i>JOHN BUNYAN.<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS<br> +OR,<br> +A BRIEF RELATION OF THE EXCEEDING MERCY OF GOD IN CHRIST, TO HIS POOR +SERVANT, JOHN BUNYAN<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +In this my relation of the merciful working of God upon my soul, it +will not be amiss, if in the first place, I do in a few words give you +a hint of my pedigree, and manner of bringing up; that thereby the goodness +and bounty of God towards me, may be the more advanced and magnified +before the sons of men.<br> +<br> +2. For my descent then, it was, as is well known by many, of a +low and inconsiderable generation; my father’s house being of +that rank that is meanest, and most despised of all the families in +the land. Wherefore, I have not here, as others, to boast of noble +blood, or of any high-born state, according to the flesh; though, all +things considered, I magnify the heavenly Majesty, for that by this +door He brought me into the world, to partake of the grace and life +that is in Christ by the gospel.<br> +<br> +3. But yet, notwithstanding the meanness and inconsiderableness +of my parents, it pleased God to put it into their hearts, to put me +to school, to learn both to read and write; the which I also attained, +according to the rate of other poor men’s children: though, to +my shame, I confess, I did soon lose that I had learned, even almost +utterly, and that long before the Lord did work His gracious work of +conversion upon my soul.<br> +<br> +4. As for my own natural life, for the time that I was without +God in the world, it was, indeed, <i>according to the course of this +world and the spirit</i> <i>that now worketh in the children of disobedience</i>. +Eph. ii. 2, 3. It was my delight to be ‘taken captive by +the devil<i> at his will</i>,’ 2 Tim. ii. 26; being filled with +all unrighteousness; the which did also so strongly work, and put forth +itself, both in my heart and life, and that from a child, that I had +but few equals (especially considering my years, which were tender, +being but few) both for cursing, swearing, lying, and blaspheming the +holy name of God.<br> +<br> +5. Yea, so settled and rooted was I in these things, that they +became as a second nature to me; the which, as I have also with soberness +considered since, did so offend the Lord, that even in my childhood +he did scare and affrighten me with fearful dreams, and did terrify +me with fearful visions. For often, after I have spent this and +the other day in sin, I have in my bed been greatly afflicted, while +asleep, with the apprehensions of devils and wicked spirits, who still, +as I then thought, laboured to draw me away with them, of which I could +never be rid.<br> +<br> +6. Also I should, at these years, be greatly afflicted and troubled +with the thoughts of the fearful torments of hell-fire; still fearing, +that it would be my lot to be found at last among those devils and hellish +fiends, who are there bound down with the chains and bonds of darkness, +unto the judgment of the great day.<br> +<br> +7. These things, I say, when I was but a child, but nine or ten +years old, did so distress my soul, that then in the midst of my many +sports and childish vanities, amidst my vain companions, I was often +much cast down, and afflicted in my mind therewith, yet could I not +let go my sins: yea, I was also then so overcome with despair of life +and heaven, that I should often wish, either that there had been no +hell, or that I had been a devil; supposing they were only tormentors; +that if it must needs be, that I went thither, I might be rather a tormentor, +than be tormented myself.<br> +<br> +8. A while after those terrible dreams did leave me, which also I soon +forgot; for my pleasures did quickly cut off the remembrance of them, +as if they had never been: wherefore with more greediness, according +to the strength of nature, I did still let loose the reins of my lust, +and delighted in all transgressions against the law of God: so that +until I came to the state of marriage, I was the very ringleader of +all the youth that kept me company, in all manner of vice and ungodliness.<br> +<br> +9. Yea, such prevalency had the lusts and fruits of the flesh +in this poor soul of mine, that had not a miracle of precious grace +prevented, I had not only perished by the stroke of eternal justice, +but had also laid myself open, even to the stroke of those laws which +bring some to disgrace and open shame before the face of the world.<br> +<br> +10. In these days the thoughts of religion were very grievous +to me; I could neither endure it myself, nor that any other should; +so that when I have seen some read in those books that concerned Christian +piety, it would be as it were a prison to me. <i>Then</i> <i>I +said unto God, Depart from me, for I desire not the</i> <i>knowledge +of Thy ways</i>. Job xxi. 14, 15. I was now void of all +good consideration, heaven and hell were both out of sight and mind; +and as for saving and damning, they were least in my thoughts. +<i>O Lord, Thou</i> <i>knowest my life, and my ways were not hid from +Thee</i>!<br> +<br> +11. But this I well remember, that though I could myself sin with +the greatest delight and ease, and also take pleasure in the vileness +of my companions; yet, even then, if I had at any time seen wicked things, +by those who professed goodness, it would make my spirit tremble. +As once above all the rest, when I was in the height of vanity, yet +hearing one to swear, that was reckoned for a religious man, it had +so great a stroke upon my spirit, that it made my heart ache.<br> +<br> +12. But God did not utterly leave me, but followed me still, not +now with convictions, but judgments; yet such as were mixed with mercy. +For once I fell into a creek of the sea, and hardly escaped drowning. +Another time I fell out of a boat into <i>Bedford</i> river, but, mercy +yet preserved me alive: besides, another time, being in a field, with +one of my companions, it chanced that an adder passed over the highway, +so I having a stick in my hand, struck her over the back; and having +stunned her, I forced open her mouth with my stick, and plucked her +sting out with my fingers; by which act had not God been merciful unto +me, I might by my desperateness, have brought myself to my end.<br> +<br> +13. This also I have taken notice of, with thanksgiving: When +I was a soldier, I with others, were drawn out to go to such a place +to besiege it; but when I was just ready to go, one of the company desired +to go in my room: to which, when I had consented, he took my place; +and coming to the siege, as he stood sentinel, he was shot in the head +with a musket-bullet and died.<br> +<br> +14. Here, as I said, were judgments and mercy, but neither of +them did awaken my soul to righteousness; wherefore I sinned still, +and grew more and more rebellious against God, and careless of my own +salvation.<br> +<br> +15. Presently after this, I changed my condition into a married +state, and my mercy was, to light upon a wife whose father was counted +godly: This woman and I, though we came together as poor as poor might +be (not having so much household stuff as a dish or a spoon betwixt +us both), yet this she had for her part: <i>The Plain Man’s Pathway +to Heaven</i> and <i>The Practice of Piety</i>; which her father had +left her when he died. In these two books I would sometimes read +with her, wherein I also found some things that were somewhat pleasing +to me (but all this while I met with no conviction). She also +would be often telling of me what a godly man her father was, and how +he would reprove and correct vice, both in his house, and among his +neighbours; what a strict and holy life he lived in his days, both in +word and deed.<br> +<br> +16. Wherefore these books, with this relation, though they did +not reach my heart, to awaken it about my sad and sinful state, yet +they did beget within me some desires to religion: so that because I +knew no better, I fell in very eagerly with the religion of the times; +to wit, to go to church twice a day, and that too with the foremost; +and there should very devoutly, both say and sing, as others did, yet +retaining my wicked life; but withal, I was so over-run with the spirit +of superstition, that I adored, and that with great devotion, even all +things (both the high-place, priest, clerk, vestment, service, and what +else) belonging to the church; counting all things holy that were therein +contained, and especially, the priest and clerk most happy, and without +doubt, greatly blessed, because they were the servants, as I then thought, +of God, and were principal in the holy temple, to do His work therein.<br> +<br> +17. This conceit grew so strong in a little time upon my spirit, +that had I but seen a priest (though never so sordid and debauched in +his life), I should find my spirit fall under him, reverence him, and +knit unto him; yea, I thought, for the love I did bear unto them (supposing +them the ministers of God), I could have laid down at their feet, and +have been trampled upon by them; their name, their garb, and work did +so intoxicate and bewitch me.<br> +<br> +18. After I had been thus for some considerable time, another +thought came in my mind; and that was, whether we were of the <i>Israelites</i> +or no? For finding in the scripture that they were once the peculiar +people of God, thought I, if I were one of this race, my soul must needs +be happy. Now again, I found within me a great longing to be resolved +about this question, but could not tell how I should: at last I asked +my father of it; who told me, <i>No, we were not</i>. Wherefore +then I fell in my spirit, as to the hopes of that, and so remained.<br> +<br> +19. But all this while, I was not sensible of the danger and evil +of sin; I was kept from considering that sin would damn me, what religion +soever I followed, unless I was found in Christ: nay, I never thought +of Him, or whether there was such a One, or no. <i>Thus man</i>, +<i>while blind, doth wander, but wearieth himself with</i> <i>vanity, +for he knoweth not the way to the city of God</i>. Eccles. x. +15.<br> +<br> +20. But one day (amongst all the sermons our parson made) his +subject was, to treat of the Sabbath day, and of the evil of breaking +that, either with labour, sports or otherwise. (Now, I was, notwithstanding +my religion, one that took much delight in all manner of vice, and especially +that was the day that I did solace myself therewith): wherefore I fell +in my conscience under his sermon, thinking and believing that he made +that sermon on purpose to show me my evil doing. And at that time +I felt what guilt was, though never before, that I can remember; but +then I was, for the present, greatly loaden therewith, and so went home +when the sermon was ended, with a great burthen upon my spirit.<br> +<br> +21. This, for that instant did benumb the sinews of my best delights, +and did imbitter my former pleasures to me; but hold, it lasted not, +for before I had well dined, the trouble began to go off my mind, and +my heart returned to its old course: but oh! how glad was I, that this +trouble was gone from me, and that the fire was put out, that I might +sin again without control! Wherefore, when I had satisfied nature +with my food, I shook the sermon out of my mind, and to my old custom +of sports and gaming, I returned with great delight.<br> +<br> +22. But the same day, as I was in the midst of a game of Cat, +and having struck it one blow from the hole, just as I was about to +strike it the second time, a voice did suddenly dart from heaven into +my soul, which said, <i>Wilt thou leave thy sins and go to heaven, or +have thy</i> <i>sins and go to hell</i>? At this I was put to +an exceeding maze; wherefore leaving my cat upon the ground, I looked +up to heaven, and was, as if I had, with the eyes of my understanding, +seen the Lord Jesus looking down upon me, as being very hotly displeased +with me, and as if He did severely threaten me with some grievous punishment +for these and other ungodly practices.<br> +<br> +23. I had no sooner thus conceived in my mind, but, suddenly, +this conclusion was fastened on my spirit (for the former hint did set +my sins again before my face), <i>That I had</i> <i>been a great and +grievous sinner, and that it was now</i> <i>too late for me to look +after heaven</i>; <i>for Christ would</i> <i>not forgive me, nor pardon +my transgressions</i>. Then I fell to musing on this also; and +while I was thinking of it, and fearing lest it should be so; I felt +my heart sink in despair, concluding it was too late; and therefore +I resolved in my mind I would go on in sin: for, thought I, if the case +be thus, my state is surely miserable; miserable if I leave my sins, +and but miserable if I follow them; I can but be damned, and if I must +be so, I had as good be damned for many sins, as be damned for few.<br> +<br> +24. Thus I stood in the midst of my play, before all that then +were present: but yet I told them nothing: but I say; having made this +conclusion, I returned desperately to my sport again; and I well remember, +that presently this kind of despair did so possess my soul, that I was +persuaded I could never attain to other comfort than what I should get +in sin; for heaven was gone already, so that on that I must not think; +wherefore I found within me great desire to take my fill of sin, still +studying what sin was yet to be committed, that I might taste the sweetness +of it; and I made as much haste as I could to fill my belly with its +delicates, lest I should die before I had my desire; for that I feared +greatly. In these things, I protest before God, I lye not, neither +do I feign this form of speech; these were really, strongly, and with +all my heart, my desires: <i>The</i> <i>good Lord, Whose mercy is unsearchable, +forgive me</i> <i>my transgressions</i>!<br> +<br> +25. And I am very confident, that this temptation of the devil +is more usual among poor creatures, than many are aware of, even to +over-run the spirits with a scurvy and seared frame of heart, and benumbing +of conscience, which frame he stilly and slily supplieth with such despair, +that, though not much guilt attendeth souls, yet they continually have +a secret conclusion within them, that there is no hope for them; <i>for +they have loved sins, therefore after them they will go</i>. Jer. +ii. 25, and xviii. 12.<br> +<br> +26. Now therefore I went on in sin with great greediness of mind, +still grudging that I could not be so satisfied with it, as I would. +This did continue with me about a month, or more; but one day, as I +was standing at a neighbour’s shop window, and there cursing and +swearing, and playing the madman, after my wonted manner, there sate +within, the woman of the house, and heard me; who, though she also was +a very loose and ungodly wretch, yet protested that I swore and cursed +at that most fearful rate, that she was made to tremble to hear me; +and told me further, <i>that I was the ungodliest fellow for swearing, +that she ever heard in all her life; and that I, by thus doing, was +able to spoil all the youth in the whole town, if they come but in my +company.<br> +<br> +</i>27. At this reproof I was silenced, and put to secret shame; +and that too, as I thought, before the God of heaven; wherefore, while +I stood there, and hanging down my head, I wished with all my heart +that I might be a little child again, that my father might learn me +to speak without this wicked way of swearing; for, thought I, I am so +accustomed to it, that it is in vain for me to think of a reformation; +for I thought it could never be.<br> +<br> +28. But how it came to pass, I know not; I did from this time +forward, so leave my swearing, that it was a great wonder to myself +to observe it; and whereas before I knew not how to speak unless I put +an oath before, and another behind, to make my words have authority; +now I could, without it, speak better, and with more pleasantness than +ever I could before. All this while I knew not Jesus Christ, neither +did I leave my sports and plays.<br> +<br> +29. But quickly after this, I fell into company with one poor +man that made profession of religion; who, as I then thought, did talk +pleasantly of the scriptures, and of the matters of religion; wherefore +falling into some love and liking to what he said, I betook me to my +Bible, and began to take great pleasure in reading, but especially with +the historical part thereof; for as for Paul’s Epistles, and such +like scriptures, I could not away with them, being as yet ignorant, +either of the corruptions of my nature, or of the want and worth of +Jesus Christ to save me.<br> +<br> +30. Wherefore I fell to some outward reformation both in my words +and life, and did set the commandments before me for my way to heaven; +which commandments I also did strive to keep, and, as I thought, did +keep them pretty well sometimes, and then I should have comfort; yet +now and then should break one, and so afflict my conscience; but then +I should repent, and say, I was sorry for it, and promise God to do +better next time, and there get help again; for then I thought I pleased +God as well as any man in <i>England.<br> +<br> +</i>31. Thus I continued about a year; all which time our neighbours +did take me to be a very godly man, a new and religious man, and did +marvel much to see such a great and famous alteration in my life and +manners; and indeed so it was, though yet I knew not Christ, nor grace, +nor faith, nor hope; for, as I have well seen since, had I then died, +my state had been most fearful.<br> +<br> +32. But, I say, my neighbours were amazed at this my great conversion, +from prodigious profaneness, to something like a moral life; and truly, +so they well might; for this my conversion was as great, as for Tom +of Bethlehem to become a sober man. Now therefore they began to +praise, to commend, and to speak well of me, both to my face, and behind +my back. Now I was, as they said, become godly; now I was become +a right honest man. But oh! when I understood these were their +words and opinions of me, it pleased me mighty well. For, though +as yet I was nothing but a poor painted hypocrite, yet, I loved to be +talked of as one that was truly godly. I was proud of my godliness, +and indeed, I did all I did, either to be seen of, or to be well spoken +of, by men: and thus I continued for about a twelvemonth, or more.<br> +<br> +33. Now you must know, that, before this, I had taken much delight +in ringing, but my <i>conscience</i> beginning to be tender, I thought +such <i>practice</i> was but vain, and therefore forced myself to leave +it; yet my mind hankered; wherefore I would go to the steeple-house, +and look on, though I durst not ring: but I thought this did not become +religion neither; yet I forced myself, and would look on still, but +quickly after, I began to think, <i>how if one of the</i> <i>bells should +fall</i>? Then I chose to stand under a main beam, that lay overthwart +the steeple, from side to side, thinking here I might stand sure; but +then I should think again, should the bell fall with a swing, it might +first hit the wall, and then, rebounding upon me, might kill me for +all this beam; this made me stand in the steeple-door; and now, thought +I, I am safe enough; for if the bell should now fall, I can slip out +behind these thick walls, and so be preserved notwithstanding.<br> +<br> +34. So after this I would yet go to see them ring, but would not +go any farther than the steeple-door; but then it came into my head, +how if the steeple itself should fall? And this thought (it may +for aught I know) when I stood and looked on, did continually so shake +my mind, that I durst not stand at the steeple-door any longer, but +was forced to flee, for fear the steeple should fall upon my head.<br> +<br> +35. Another thing was, my dancing; I was a full year before I +could quite leave that; but all this while, when I thought I kept this +or that commandment, or did, by word or deed, anything that I thought +was good, I had great peace in my conscience, and should think with +myself, God cannot choose but be now pleased with me; yea, to relate +it in mine own way, I thought no man in <i>England</i> could please +God better than I.<br> +<br> +36. But poor wretch as I was! I was all this while ignorant +of Jesus Christ; and going about to establish my own righteousness; +and had perished therein, had not God in mercy showed me more of my +state by nature.<br> +<br> +37. But upon a day, the good providence of God called me to <i>Bedford</i>, +to work on my calling; and in one of the streets of that town, I came +where there were three or four poor women sitting at a door, in the +sun, talking about the things of God; and being now willing to hear +them discourse, I drew near to hear what they said, for I was now a +brisk talker also myself, in the matters of religion; but I may say, +<i>I heard but understood not</i>; for they were far above, out of my +reach. Their talk was about a new birth, the work of God on their +hearts, also how they were convinced of their miserable state by nature; +they talked how God had visited their souls with His love in the Lord +Jesus, and with what words and promises they had been refreshed, comforted, +and supported, against the temptations of the devil: moreover, they +reasoned of the suggestions and temptations of Satan in particular; +and told to each other, by which they had been afflicted and how they +were borne up under his assaults. They also discoursed of their +own wretchedness of heart, and of their unbelief; and did contemn, slight +and abhor their own righteousness, as filthy, and insufficient to do +them any good.<br> +<br> +38. And, methought, they spake as if joy did make them speak; +they spake with such pleasantness of scripture language, and with such +appearance of grace in all they said, that they were to me, as if they +had found a new world; as if they were <i>people that dwelt alone, and +were not to be reckoned</i> <i>among their neighbours</i>. Numb. +xxiii. 9.<br> +<br> +39. At this I felt my own heart began to shake, and mistrust my +condition to be naught; for I saw that in all my thoughts about religion +and salvation, the new-birth did never enter into my mind; neither knew +I the comfort of the word and promise, nor the deceitfulness and treachery +of my own wicked heart. As for secret thoughts, I took no notice +of them; neither did I understand what Satan’s temptations were, +nor how they were to be withstood, and resisted, etc.<br> +<br> +40. Thus, therefore, when I had heard and considered what they +said, I left them, and went about my employment again, but their talk +and discourse went with me; also my heart would tarry with them, for +I was greatly affected with their words, both because by them I was +convinced that I wanted the true tokens of a truly godly man, and also +because by them I was convinced of the happy and blessed condition of +him that was such a one.<br> +<br> +41. Therefore I should often make it my business to be going again +and again into the company of these poor people; for I could not stay +away; and the more I went amongst them, the more I did question my condition; +and as I still do remember, presently I found two things within me, +at which I did sometimes marvel (especially considering what a blind, +ignorant, sordid and ungodly wretch but just before I was). The +one was a very great softness and tenderness of heart, which caused +me to fall under the conviction of what by scripture they asserted, +and the other was a great bending in my mind, to a continual meditating +on it, and on all other good things, which at any time I heard or read +of.<br> +<br> +42. By these things my mind was now so turned, that it lay like +an horse-leech at the vein, still crying out, <i>Give, Give</i>, Prov. +xxx. 15; yea, it was so fixed on eternity, and on the things about the +kingdom of heaven (that is, so far as I knew, though as yet, God knows, +I knew but little), that neither pleasures, nor profits, nor persuasions, +nor threats, could loose it, or make it let go its hold; and though +I may speak it with shame, yet it is in very deed, a certain truth, +it would then have been as difficult for me to have taken my mind from +heaven to earth, as I have found it often since, to get again from earth +to heaven.<br> +<br> +43. One thing I may not omit: There was a young man in our town, +to whom my heart before was knit, more than to any other, but he being +a most wicked creature for cursing, and swearing, and whoreing, I now +shook him off, and forsook his company; but about a quarter of a year +after I had left him, I met him in a certain lane, and asked him how +he did: he, after his old swearing and mad way, answered, he was well. +But, Harry, said I, <i>why do you curse</i> <i>and swear thus</i>? +<i>What will become of you, if you die in this condition</i>? +He answered me in a great chafe, <i>What would the devil do for company, +if it were not</i> <i>for such as I am?<br> +<br> +</i>44. About this time I met with some Ranters’ books, +that were put forth by some of our countrymen, which books were also +highly in esteem by several old professors; some of these I read, but +was not able to make any judgment about them; wherefore as I read in +them, and thought upon them (seeing myself unable to judge), I would +betake myself to hearty prayer in this manner. <i>O Lord, I am +a fool, and not able to</i> <i>know the truth from error</i>: <i>Lord, +leave me not to my</i> <i>own blindness, either to approve of or condemn +this</i> <i>doctrine; if it be of God, let me not despise it; if it +be of the devil, let me not embrace it. Lord, I lay my</i> <i>soul +in this matter only at Thy foot, let me not be</i> <i>deceived, I humbly +beseech Thee</i>. I had one religious intimate companion all this +while, and that was the poor man I spoke of before; but about this time, +he also turned a most devilish Ranter, and gave himself up to all manner +of filthiness, especially uncleanness: he would also deny that there +was a God, angel, or spirit; and would laugh at all exhortations to +sobriety; when I laboured to rebuke his wickedness he would laugh the +more, and pretend that he had gone through all religions, and could +never light on the right till now. He told me also, that in a +little time I should see all professors turn to the ways of the Ranters. +Wherefore, abominating those cursed principles, I left his company forthwith, +and became to him as great a stranger, as I had been before a familiar.<br> +<br> +45. Neither was this man only a temptation to me, but my calling +lying in the country, I happened to light into several people’s +company, who though strict in religion formerly, yet were also swept +away by these Ranters. These would also talk with me of their +ways, and condemn me as legal and dark; pretending that they only had +attained to perfection, that could do what they would and not sin. +Oh! these temptations were suitable to my flesh, I being but a young +man and my nature in its prime; but God, who had, as I hoped, designed +me for better things, kept me in the fear of His name, and did not suffer +me to accept such cursed principles. And blessed be God, Who put +it into my heart to cry to Him to be kept and directed, still distrusting +my own wisdom; for I have since seen even the effects of that prayer, +in His preserving me, not only from Ranting errors, but from those also +that have sprung up since. The Bible was precious to me in those +days.<br> +<br> +46. And now methought, I began to look into the Bible with new +eyes, and read as I never did before, and especially the epistles of +the apostle St Paul were sweet and pleasant to me; and indeed I was +then never out of the Bible, either by reading or meditation; still +crying out to God, that I might know the truth, and way to heaven and +glory.<br> +<br> +47. And as I went on and read, I lighted upon that passage, <i>To +one is given, by the Spirit, the word of wisdom; to another the word +knowledge by the same Spirit; and to another</i> <i>faith</i>, etc. +1 Cor. xii. And though, as I have since seen, that by this scripture +the Holy Ghost intends, in special, things extraordinary, yet on me +it did then fasten with conviction, that I did want things ordinary, +even that understanding and wisdom that other Christians had. +On this word I mused, and could not tell what to do, especially this +word ‘Faith’ put me to it, for I could not help it, but +sometimes must question, whether I had any faith, or no; but I was loath +to conclude, I had no faith; for if I do so, thought I, then I shall +count myself a very cast-away indeed.<br> +<br> +48. No, said I, with myself, though I am convinced that I am an +ignorant sot, and that I want those blessed gifts of knowledge and understanding +that other people have; yet at a venture I will conclude, I am not altogether +faithless, though I know not what faith is; for it was shewn me, and +that too (as I have seen since) by Satan, that those who conclude themselves +in a faithless state, have neither rest nor quiet in their souls; and +I was loath to fall quite into despair.<br> +<br> +49. Wherefore by this suggestion I was, for a while, made afraid +to see my want of faith; but God would not suffer me thus to undo and +destroy my soul, but did continually, against this my sad and blind +conclusion, create still within me such suppositions, insomuch that +I could not rest content, until I did now come to some certain knowledge, +whether I had faith or no, this always running in my mind, <i>But how +if you want faith indeed</i>? <i>But how</i> <i>can you tell you +have faith</i>? And besides, I saw for certain, if I had not, +I was sure to perish for ever.<br> +<br> +50. So that though I endeavoured at the first to look over the +business of Faith, yet in a little time, I better considering the matter, +was willing to put myself upon the trial whether I had faith or no. +But alas, poor wretch! so ignorant and brutish was I, that I knew not +to this day no more how to do it, than I know how to begin and accomplish +that rare and curious piece of art, which I never yet saw or considered.<br> +<br> +51. Wherefore while I was thus considering, and being put to my +plunge about it (for you must know, that as yet I had in this matter +broken my mind to no man, only did hear and consider), the tempter came +in with this delusion, <i>That there was no way for me to know</i> <i>I +had faith, but by trying to work some miracle</i>; urging those scriptures +that seem to look that way, for the enforcing and strengthening his +temptation. Nay, one day, as I was between <i>Elstow</i> and <i>Bedford</i>, +the temptation was hot upon me, to try if I had faith, by doing some +miracle; which miracle at this time was this, I must say to the <i>puddles</i> +that were in the horsepads, <i>Be dry</i>; and to the <i>dry places, +Be you puddles</i>: and truly one time I was going to say so indeed; +but just as I was about to speak, this thought came into my mind; <i>But +go under yonder hedge and pray first, that God would make you able</i>. +But when I had concluded to pray, this came hot upon me; That if I prayed, +and came again and tried to do it, and yet did nothing notwithstanding, +then to be sure I had no faith, but was a cast-away, and lost; nay, +thought I, if it be so, I will not try yet, but will stay a little longer.<br> +<br> +52. So I continued at a great loss; for I thought, if they only +had faith, which could do so wonderful things, then I concluded, that +for the present I neither had it, nor yet for the time to come, were +ever like to have it. Thus I was tossed betwixt the devil and +my own ignorance, and so perplexed, especially at some times, that I +could not tell what to do.<br> +<br> +53. About this time, the state and happiness of these poor people +at Bedford was thus, <i>in a kind of a vision</i>, presented to me, +I saw as if they were on the sunny side of some high mountain, there +refreshing themselves with the pleasant beams of the sun, while I was +shivering and shrinking in the cold, afflicted with frost, snow and +dark clouds: methought also, betwixt me and them, I saw a wall that +did compass about this mountain, now through this wall my soul did greatly +desire to pass; concluding, that if I could, I would even go into the +very midst of them, and there also comfort myself with the heat of their +sun.<br> +<br> +54. About this wall I bethought myself, to go again and again, +still prying as I went, to see if I could find some way or passage, +by which I might enter therein: but none could I find for some time: +at the last, I saw, as it were, a narrow gap, like a little door-way +in the wall, through which I attempted to pass: Now the passage being +very strait and narrow, I made many offers to get in, but all in vain, +even until I was well-nigh quite beat out, by striving to get in; at +last, with great striving, methought I at first did get in my head, +and after that, by a sideling striving, my shoulders, and my whole body; +then I was exceeding glad, went and sat down in the midst of them, and +so was comforted with the light and heat of their sun.<br> +<br> +55. Now this mountain, and wall, etc., was thus made out to me: +The mountain signified the church of the living God: the sun that shone +thereon, the comfortable shining of His merciful face on them that were +therein; the wall I thought was the word, that did make separation between +the Christians and the world; and the gap which was in the wall, I thought, +was Jesus Christ, Who is the way to God the Father. John xiv. +6; Matt. vii. 14. But forasmuch as the passage was wonderful narrow, +even so narrow that I could not, but with great difficulty, enter in +thereat, it showed me, that none could enter into life, but those that +were in downright earnest, and unless also they left that wicked world +behind them; for here was only room for body and soul, but not for body +and soul and sin.<br> +<br> +56. This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days; all which +time I saw myself in a forlorn and sad condition, but yet was provoked +to a vehement hunger and desire to be one of that number that did sit +in the sunshine: Now also I should pray wherever I was: whether at home +or abroad; in house or field; and would also often, with lifting up +of heart, sing that of the fifty-first Psalm, <i>O Lord, consider my +distress</i>; for as yet I knew not where I was.<br> +<br> +57. Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortable persuasion +that I had faith in Christ; but instead of having satisfaction here, +I began to find my soul to be assaulted with fresh doubts about my future +happiness; especially with such as these, <i>whether I was</i> <i>elected</i>? +<i>But how, if the day of grace should now be</i> <i>past and gone</i>?<br> +<br> +58. By these two temptations I was very much afflicted and disquieted; +sometimes by one, and sometimes by the other of them. And first, +to speak of that about my questioning my election, I found at this time, +that though I was in a flame to find the way to heaven and glory, and +though nothing could beat me off from this, yet this question did so +offend and discourage me, that I was, especially sometimes, as if the +very strength of my body also had been taken away by the force and power +thereof. This scripture did also seem to me to trample upon all +my desires; <i>It is not of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth</i>; +<i>but of God that showeth mercy</i>. Rom. ix. 16.<br> +<br> +59. With this scripture I could not tell what to do: for I evidently +saw, unless that the great God, of His infinite grace and bounty, had +voluntarily chosen me to be a vessel of mercy, though I should desire, +and long, and labour until my heart did break, no good could come of +it. Therefore this would stick with me, <i>How can you tell that +you are elected</i>? <i>And</i> <i>what if you should not</i>? +<i>How then</i>?<br> +<br> +60. O Lord, thought I, what if I should not indeed? It may +be you are not, said the Tempter; it may be so indeed, thought I. +Why then, said Satan, you had as good leave off, and strive no farther; +for if indeed, you should not be elected and chosen of God, there is +no talk of your being saved; <i>For it is not of him that willeth, nor +of him</i> <i>that runneth</i>; <i>but of God that showeth mercy.<br> +<br> +</i>61. By these things I was driven to my wits’ end, not +knowing what to say, or how to answer these temptations: (indeed, I +little thought that Satan had thus assaulted me, but that rather it +was my own prudence thus to start the question): for that the elect +only attained eternal life; that, I without scruple did heartily close +withal; but that myself was one of them, there lay the question.<br> +<br> +62. Thus therefore, for several days, I was greatly assaulted +and perplexed, and was often, when I have been walking, ready to sink +where I went, with faintness in my mind; but one day, after I had been +so many weeks oppressed and cast down therewith as I was now quite giving +up the ghost of all my hopes of ever attaining life, that sentence fell +with weight upon my spirit, <i>Look at the generations of</i> <i>old, +and see; did ever any trust in God, and were</i> <i>confounded</i>?<br> +<br> +63. At which I was greatly lightened, and encouraged in my soul; +for thus, at that very instant, it was expounded to me:<i> Begin at +the beginning of Genesis, and read to the end of the Revelations, and +see</i> <i>if you can find, that there were ever any that trusted in</i> +<i>the Lord, and were confounded</i>. So coming home, I presently +went to my Bible, to see if I could find that saying, not doubting but +to find it presently; for it was so fresh, and with such strength and +comfort on my spirit, that it was as if it talked with me.<br> +<br> +64. Well, I looked, but I found it not; only it abode upon me: +Then did I ask first this good man, and then another, if they knew where +it was, but they knew no such place. At this I wondered, that +such a sentence should so suddenly, and with such comfort and strength, +seize, and abide upon my heart; and yet that none could find it (for +I doubted not but that it was in holy scripture).<br> +<br> +65. Thus I continued above a year, and could not find the place; +but at last, casting my eye upon the <i>Apocrypha</i> books, I found +it in <i>Ecclesiasticus</i>, Eccles. ii. 10. This, at the first, +did somewhat daunt me; but because by this time I had got more experience +of the love and kindness of God, it troubled me the less, especially +when I considered that though it was not in those texts that we call +holy and canonical; yet forasmuch as this sentence was the sum and substance +of many of the promises, it was my duty to take the comfort of it; and +I bless God for that word, for it was of God to me: that word doth still +at times shine before my face.<br> +<br> +66. After this, that other doubt did come with strength upon me, +<i>But how if the</i> <i>day of grace should be past and gone</i>? +How if you have overstood the time of mercy? Now I remember that +one day, as I was walking in the country, I was much in the thoughts +of this, <i>But how if the day of grace is</i> <i>past</i>? And +to aggravate my trouble, the Tempter presented to my mind those good +people of <i>Bedford</i>, and suggested thus unto me, that these being +converted already, they were all that God would save in those parts; +and that I came too late, for these had got the blessing before I came.<br> +<br> +67. Now I was in great distress, thinking in very deed that this +might well be so; wherefore I went up and down, bemoaning my sad condition; +counting myself far worse than a thousand fools for standing off thus +long, and spending so many years in sin as I had done; still crying +out, Oh! that I had turned sooner! Oh! that I had turned seven +years ago! It made me also angry with myself, to think that I +should have no more wit, but to trifle away my time, till my soul and +heaven were lost.<br> +<br> +68. But when I had been long vexed with this fear, and was scarce +able to take one step more, just about the same place where I received +my other encouragement, these words broke in upon my mind, <i>Compel +them to</i> <i>come in, that my house may be filled</i>; <i>and yet +there is</i> <i>room</i>. Luke xiv. 22, 23. These words, +but especially those, <i>And yet there is room</i>, were sweet words +to me; for truly I thought that by them I saw there was place enough +in heaven for me; and moreover, that when the Lord Jesus did speak these +words, He then did think of me: and that He knowing that the time would +come, that I should be afflicted with fear, that there was no place +left for me in His bosom, did before speak this word, and leave it upon +record, that I might find help thereby against this vile temptation. +This I then verily believed.<br> +<br> +69. In the light and encouragement of this word I went a pretty +while; and the comfort was the more, when I thought that the Lord Jesus +should think on me so long ago, and that He should speak those words +on purpose for my sake; for I did think verily, that He did on purpose +speak them to encourage me withal.<br> +<br> +70. But I was not without my temptations to go back again; temptations +I say, both from Satan, mine own heart, and carnal acquaintance; but +I thank God these were outweighed by that sound sense of death, and +of the day of judgment, which abode, as it were, continually in my view: +I would often also think on <i>Nebuchadnezzar</i>; of whom it is said, +<i>He had given</i> <i>him all the kingdoms of the earth</i>. +Dan. v. 18, 19. Yet, thought I, if this great man had all his +portion in this world, one hour in hell-fire would make him forget all. +Which consideration was a great help to me.<br> +<br> +71. I was also made, about this time, to see something concerning +the beasts that <i>Moses</i> counted clean and unclean: I thought those +beasts were types of men; the <i>clean</i>, types of them that were +the people of God; but the <i>unclean</i>, types of such as were the +children of the wicked one. Now I read, that the clean beasts +<i>chewed the cud</i>; that is, thought I, they show us, we must feed +upon the word of God: they also <i>parted the hoof</i>. I thought +that signified, we must part, if we would be saved, with the ways of +ungodly men. And also, in further reading about them, I found, +that though we did chew the cud, as the <i>hare</i>; yet if we walked +with claws, like a dog; or if we did part the hoof, like the <i>swine</i>, +yet if we did not chew the cud, as the sheep, we were still, for all +that, but unclean: for I thought the <i>hare</i> to be a type of those +that talk of the word, yet walk in the ways of sin; and that the <i>swine</i> +was like him that parted with his outward pollutions, but still wanteth +the word of faith, without which there could be no way of salvation, +let a man be never so devout. Deut. xiv. After this, I found +by reading the word, that those that must be glorified with Christ in +another world <i>must be called by Him here</i>; called to the partaking +of a share in His word and righteousness, and to the comforts and first-fruits +of His Spirit; and to a peculiar interest in all those heavenly things, +which do indeed prepare the soul for that rest, and house of glory, +which is in heaven above.<br> +<br> +72. Here again I was at a very I great stand, not knowing what +to do, fearing I was not called; for, thought I, if I be not called, +what then can do me good? None but those who are effectually called +inherit the kingdom of heaven. But oh! how I now loved those words +that spake of a <i>Christian’s calling</i>! as when the Lord said +to one, <i>Follow Me</i>; and to another, <i>Come after Me</i>: and +oh, thought I, that He would say so to me too: how gladly would I run +after Him!<br> +<br> +73. I cannot now express with what longings and breathings in +my soul, I cried to Christ to call me. Thus I continued for a +time, all on a flame to be converted to Jesus Christ; and did also see +at that day, such glory in a converted state, that I could not be contented +without a share therein. Gold! could it have been gotten for gold, +what would I have given for it? Had I had a whole world, it had +all gone ten thousand times over for this, that my soul might have been +in a converted state.<br> +<br> +74. How lovely now was every one in my eyes, that I thought to +be converted men and women. They shone, they walked like a people +that carried the broad seal of heaven about them. Oh! I saw the +lot was fallen to them in pleasant places, and they had a goodly heritage. +Psalm xvi. But that which made me sick, was that of Christ, in +St Mark, <i>He goeth</i> <i>up into a mountain, and calleth unto Him +whom He</i> <i>would, and they came unto Him</i>. Mark iii. 13.<br> +<br> +75. This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it kindled fire +in my soul. That which made me fear, was this; lest Christ should +have no liking to me, for He called <i>whom He would</i>. But +oh! the glory that I saw in that condition, did still so engage my heart, +that I could seldom read of any that Christ did call, but I presently +wished, <i>Would I had been</i> <i>in their clothes</i>, <i>would I +had been born Peter; would</i> <i>I had been born John; or, would I +had been by and had</i> <i>heard Him when He called them, how would +I have</i> <i>cried, O Lord, call me also</i>! <i>But, oh</i>! +<i>I feared He</i> <i>would not call me.<br> +<br> +</i>76. And truly, the Lord let me go thus many months together, +and shewed me nothing; either that I was already, or should be called +hereafter: but at last after much time spent, and many groans to God, +that I might be made partaker of the holy and heavenly calling; that +word came in upon me: <i>I will cleanse their blood, that I have not +cleansed</i>, <i>for the Lord dwelleth in Zion</i>. Joel iii. +21. These words I thought were sent to encourage me to wait still +upon God; and signified unto me, that if I were not already, yet time +might come, I might be in truth converted unto Christ.<br> +<br> +77. About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people +in <i>Bedford</i>, and to tell them my condition; which when they had +heard, they told Mr Gifford of me, who himself also took occasion to +talk with me, and was willing to be well persuaded of me, though I think +from little grounds: but he invited me to his house, where I should +hear him confer with others, about the dealings of God with their souls; +from all which I still received more conviction, and from that time +began to see something of the vanity and inward wretchedness of my wicked +heart; for as yet I knew no great matter therein; but now it began to +be discovered unto me, and also to work at that rate as it never did +before. Now I evidently found, that lusts and corruptions put +forth themselves within me, in wicked thoughts and desires, which I +did not regard before; my desires also for heaven and life began to +fail; I found also, that whereas before my soul was full of longing +after God, now it began to hanker after every foolish vanity; yea, my +heart would not be moved to mind that which was good; it began to be +careless, both of my soul and heaven; it would now continually hang +back, both to, and in every duty; and was as a clog on the leg of a +bird, to hinder me from flying.<br> +<br> +78. Nay, thought I, now I grow worse and worse: now I am farther +from conversion than ever I was before. Wherefore I began to sink +greatly in my soul, and began to entertain such discouragement in my +heart, as laid me as low as hell. If now I should have burned +at the stake, I could not believe that Christ had love for me: alas! +I could neither hear Him, nor see Him, nor feel Him, nor favour any +of His things; I was driven as with a tempest, my heart would be unclean, +and the <i>Canaanites</i> would dwell in the land.<br> +<br> +79. Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God; +which, when they heard, they would pity me, and would tell me of the +promises; but they had as good have told me, that I must reach the sun +with my finger, as have bidden me receive or rely upon the promises: +and as soon I should have done it. All my sense and feeling were +against me; and I saw I had an heart that would sin, and that lay under +a law that would condemn.<br> +<br> +80. These things have often made me think of the child which the +father brought to Christ, <i>who</i>, <i>while he was yet coming to +Him, was thrown down by</i> <i>the devil, and also so rent and torn +by him, that he</i> <i>lay down and wallowed, foaming</i>. Luke +ix. 42; Mark ix. 20.<br> +<br> +81. Further, in these days, I would find my heart to shut itself +up against the Lord, and against His holy word: I have found my unbelief +to set, as it were, the shoulder to the door, to keep Him out; and that +too even then, when I have with many a bitter sigh, cried, Good Lord, +break it open: <i>Lord</i>, <i>break these gates of brass, and cut these +bars of iron</i> <i>asunder</i>. Psalm cvii. 16. Yet that +word would sometimes create in my heart a peaceable pause, <i>I girded +thee, though thou hast not known Me</i>. Isaiah xlv. 5.<br> +<br> +82. But all this while, as to the act of sinning, I was never +more tender than now: my hinder parts were inward: I durst not take +a pin or stick, though but so big as a straw; for my conscience now +was sore, and would smart at every touch: I could not now tell how to +speak my words, for fear I should misplace them. Oh, how gingerly +did I then go, in all I did or said! I found myself as on a miry +bog, that shook if I did but stir, and was, as there, left both of God +and Christ, and the Spirit, and all good things.<br> +<br> +83. But I observed, though I was such a great sinner before conversion, +yet God never much charged the guilt of the sins of my ignorance upon +me; only He showed me, I was lost if I had not Christ, because I had +been a sinner: I saw that I wanted a perfect righteousness to present +me without fault before God, and this righteousness was no where to +be found, but in the Person of Jesus Christ.<br> +<br> +84. But my original and inward pollution; That, that was my plague +and affliction, that I saw at a dreadful rate, always putting forth +itself within me; that I had the guilt of, to amazement; by reason of +that, I was more loathsome in mine own eyes than was a toad, and I thought +I was so in God’s eyes too: Sin and corruption, I said, would +as naturally bubble out of my heart, as water would bubble out of a +fountain: I thought now, that every one had a better heart than I had; +I could have changed heart with any body; I thought none but the devil +himself could equalise me for inward wickedness and pollution of mind. +I fell therefore at the sight of my own vileness deeply into despair; +for I concluded, that this condition that I was in, could not stand +with a state of grace. Sure, thought I, I am forsaken of God; +sure, I am given up to the devil, and to a reprobate mind: and thus +I continued a long while, even for some years together.<br> +<br> +85. While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own damnation, +there were two things would make me wonder; the one was, when I saw +old people hunting after the things of this life, as if they should +live here always: the other was, when I found professors much distressed +and cast down, when they met with outward losses; as of husband, wife, +child, etc. Lord, thought I, what a-do is here about such little +things as these! What seeking after carnal things, by some, and +what grief in others for the loss of them! if they so much labour after, +and shed so many tears for the things of this present life, how am I +to be bemoaned, pitied, and prayed for! My soul is dying, my soul +is damning. Were my soul but in a good condition, and were I but +sure of it, ah! how rich should I esteem myself, though blessed but +with bread and water! I should count those but small afflictions, +and should bear them as little burthens. <i>A wounded spirit who +can bear</i>!<br> +<br> +86. And though I was much troubled, and tossed, and afflicted, with +the sight and sense and terror of my own wickedness, yet I was afraid +to let this sight and sense go quite off my mind: that unless guilt +of conscience was taken off the right way, that is, by the blood of +Christ a man grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of mind, +than better. Wherefore, if my guilt lay hard upon me, then I should +cry that the blood of Christ might take it off: and if it was going +off without it (for the sense of sin would be sometimes as if it would +die, and go quite away), then I would also strive to fetch it upon my +heart again, by bringing the punishment of sin in hell fire upon my +spirit; and should cry, <i>Lord, let it not go off my</i> <i>heart, +but the right way, by the blood of Christ, and</i> <i>the application +of Thy mercy, through Him, to my soul</i>, for that scripture lay much +upon me, <i>without</i> <i>shedding of blood is no remission</i>. +Heb. ix. 22. And that which made me the more afraid of this, was, +because I had seen some, who though when they were under wounds of conscience, +would cry and pray; yet seeking rather present ease from their trouble, +than pardon for their sin, cared not how they lost their guilt, so they +got it out of their mind: now, having got it off the wrong way, it was +not sanctified unto them; but they grew harder and blinder, and more +wicked after their trouble. This made me afraid, and made me cry +to God the more, that it might not be so with me.<br> +<br> +87. And now I was sorry that God had made me man, for I feared +I was a reprobate; I counted man as unconverted, the most doleful of +all the creatures. Thus being afflicted and tossed about my sad +condition, I counted myself alone, and above the most of men unblessed.<br> +<br> +88. Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I should attain to +so much goodness of heart, as to thank God that He had made me a man. +Man indeed is the most noble by creation, of all creatures in the visible +world; but by sin he has made himself the most ignoble. The beasts, +birds, fishes, etc. I blessed their condition; for they had not +a sinful nature; they were not obnoxious to the wrath of God; they were +not to go to hell-fire after death; I could therefore have rejoiced, +had my condition been as any of theirs.<br> +<br> +89. In this condition I went a great while, but when comforting +time was come, I heard one preach a sermon on these words in the song, +Song iv. 1, <i>Behold, thou art fair, my love, behold, thou art fair</i>. +But at that time he made these two words, <i>my love</i>, his chief +and subject matter: from which, after he had a little opened the text, +he observed these several conclusions: 1. <i>That the church, and so +every saved soul</i>, <i>is Christ’s love, when loveless</i>. +2. <i>Christ’s love without a cause</i>. 3. <i>Christ’s +love, when hated of the world</i>. 4. <i>Christ’s love, +when under temptation and under</i> <i>destruction</i>. 5. <i>Christ’s +love, from first to last.<br> +<br> +</i>90. But I got nothing by what he said at present; only when +he came to the application of the fourth particular, this was the word +he said; <i>If it be so</i>, <i>that the saved soul is Christ’s +love, when under</i> <i>temptation and desertion; then poor tempted +soul, when</i> <i>thou art assaulted, and afflicted with temptations, +and</i> <i>the hidings of God’s face, yet think on these two words</i>, +‘My love,’ <i>still.<br> +<br> +</i>91. So as I was going home, these words came again into my +thoughts; and I well remember, as they came in, I said thus in my heart, +<i>What shall I get by thinking on these two words</i>? This thought +had no sooner passed through my heart, but these words began thus to +kindle in my spirit, <i>Thou art</i> <i>My Love, thou art My Dove</i>, +twenty times together; and still as they ran in my mind, they waxed +stronger and warmer, and began to make me look up; but being as yet, +between hope and fear, I still replied in my heart, <i>But is it true, +but is it</i> <i>true</i>? At which that sentence fell upon me, +<i>He</i> <i>wist not that it was true, which was done by the</i> <i>Angel</i>. +Acts xii. 9.<br> +<br> +92. Then I began to give place to the word which with power, did +over and over make this joyful sound within my soul, ‘<i>Thou +art my Love, thou art My Love, and nothing shall separate thee from +My Love</i>. And with that my heart was filled full of comfort +and hope, and now I could believe that my sins should be forgiven me; +yea, I was now so taken with the love and mercy of God, that I remember +I could not tell how to contain till I got home: I thought I could have +spoken of His love, and have told of His mercy to me, even to the very +crows, that sat upon the ploughed lands before me, had they been capable +to have understood me: wherefore I said in my soul, with much gladness, +<i>Well</i>, <i>I would I had a pen and ink here, I would write this</i> +<i>down before I go any farther; for surely I will not</i> <i>forget +this forty years hence</i>. But, alas! within less than forty +days I began to question all again; which made me begin to question +all still.<br> +<br> +93. Yet still at times I was helped to believe, that it was a +true manifestation of grace unto my soul, though I had lost much of +the life and favour of it. Now about a week or a fortnight after +this I was much followed by this scripture, <i>Simon</i>, <i>Simon; +behold, Satan hath desired to have you</i>, Luke xxii. 31, and sometimes +it would sound so loud within me, yea, and as it was, call so strongly +after me, that once, above all the rest, I turned my head over my shoulder, +thinking verily that some man had behind me, called me; being at a great +distance, methought he called so loud: it came, as I have thought since, +to have stirred me up to prayer, and to watchfulness: it came to acquaint +me, that a cloud and a storm was coming down upon me: but I understood +it not.<br> +<br> +94. Also, as I remember, that time that it called to me so loud, +was the last time that it sounded in mine ears; but me thinks I hear +still with what a loud voice these words, <i>Simon, Simon</i>, sounded +in mine ears. I thought verily, as I have told you, that somebody +had called after me, that was half a mile behind me: and although that +was not my name, yet it made me suddenly look behind me, believing that +he that called so loud, meant me.<br> +<br> +95. But so foolish was I, and ignorant, that I knew not the reason +of this sound; (which as I did both see and feel soon after, was sent +from heaven as an alarm, to awaken me to provide for what was coming,) +only I should muse and wonder in my mind, to think what should be the +reason of this scripture, and that at this rate, so often and so loud, +should still be sounding and rattling in mine ears: but, as I said before, +I soon after perceived the end of God therein.<br> +<br> +96. For, about the space of a month after, a very great storm +came down upon me, which handled me twenty times worse than all I had +met with before; it came stealing upon me, now by one piece, then by +another: First, all my comfort was taken from me; then darkness seized +upon me; after which, whole floods of blasphemies, both against God, +Christ, and the scriptures, were poured upon my spirit, to my great +confusion and astonishment. These blasphemous thoughts were such +as stirred up questions in me against the very being of God, and of +His only beloved Son: As, whether there were in truth, a God or Christ? +And whether the holy scriptures were not rather a fable, and cunning +story, than the holy and pure word of God?<br> +<br> +97. The tempter would also much assault me with this, <i>How can +you tell but that the</i> Turks <i>had as good scriptures to prove their</i> +Mahomet <i>the Saviour, as we have to prove our Jesus is</i>? +<i>And, could I think, that so many ten</i> <i>thousands, in so many +countries and kingdoms, should</i> <i>be without the knowledge of the +right way to heaven</i>, <i>(if there were indeed a heaven); and that +we only</i>, <i>who live in a corner of the earth, should alone be blessed</i> +<i>therewith</i>? <i>Every one doth think his own religion</i> +<i>rightest, both</i> Jews<i> and</i> Moors<i>, and</i> Pagans<i>; and +how if all our faith, and Christ, and scriptures, should be</i> <i>but +a think so too</i>?<br> +<br> +98. Sometimes I have endeavoured to argue against these suggestions, +and to set some of the sentences of blessed <i>Paul</i> against them; +but alas! I quickly felt, when I thus did, such arguings as these would +return again upon me, <i>Though</i> <i>we made so great a matter of +Paul, and of his words, yet how could I tell</i>, <i>but that in very +deed, he being a subtle and cunning</i> <i>man, might give himself up +to deceive with strong</i> <i>delusions: and also take the pains and +travel, to undo</i> <i>and destroy his fellows.<br> +<br> +</i>99. These suggestions, (with many others which at this time +I may not, and dare not utter, neither by word or pen,) did make such +a seizure upon my spirit, and did so overweigh my heart, both with their +number, continuance, and fiery force, that I felt as if there were nothing +else but these from morning to night within me; and as though indeed +there could be room for nothing else; and also concluded, that God had, +in very wrath to my soul, given me up to them, to be carried away with +them, as with a mighty whirlwind.<br> +<br> +100. Only by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit, <i>I +felt there was something in</i> <i>me that refused to embrace them</i>. +But this consideration I then only had, when God gave me leave to swallow +my spittle; otherwise the noise, and strength, and force of these temptations +would drown and overflow, and as it were, bury all such thoughts, or +the remembrance of any such thing. While I was in this temptation, +I often found my mind suddenly put upon it to curse and swear, or to +speak some grievous thing against God, or Christ His Son, and of the +scriptures.<br> +<br> +101. Now I thought, <i>surely I am possessed of the</i> <i>devil</i>: +at other times, again, I thought I should be bereft of my wits; for +instead of lauding and magnifying God the Lord, with others, if I have +but heard Him spoken of, presently some most horrible blasphemous thought +or other would bolt out of my heart against Him; so that whether I did +think that God was, or again did think there was no such thing, no love, +nor peace, nor gracious disposition could I feel within me.<br> +<br> +102. These things did sink me into very deep despair; for I concluded +that such things could not possibly be found amongst them that loved +God. I often, when these temptations had been with force upon +me, did compare myself to the case of such a child, whom some gipsy +hath by force took up in her arms, and is carrying from friend and country. +Kick sometimes I did, and also shriek and cry; but yet I was bound in +the wings of the temptation, and the wind would carry me away. +I thought also of Saul, and of the evil spirit that did possess him: +and did greatly fear that my condition was the same with that of his. +1 Sam. x.<br> +<br> +103. In these days, when I have heard others talk of what was +the sin against the Holy Ghost, then would the tempter so provoke me +to desire to sin that against sin, that I was as if I could not, must +not, neither should be quiet until I had committed it; now no sin would +serve but that. If it were to be committed by speaking of such +a word, then I have been as if my mouth would have spoken that word, +whether I would or no; and in so strong a measure was this temptation +upon me, that often I have been ready to clap my hand under my chin, +to hold my mouth from opening; and to that end also, I have had thoughts +at other times, to leap with my head downward, into some muckhill-hole +or other, to keep my mouth from speaking.<br> +<br> +104. Now again I beheld the condition of the dog and toad, and +counted the estate of every thing that God had made, far better than +this dreadful state of mine, and such as my companions were. Yea, +gladly would I have been in the condition of a dog or horse: for I knew +they had no souls to perish under the everlasting weight of hell, or +sin, as mine was like to do. Nay, and though I saw this, felt +this, and was broken to pieces with it; yet that which added to my sorrow +was, I could not find, that with all my soul I did desire deliverance. +That scripture did also tear and rend my soul in the midst of these +distractions, <i>The wicked are like</i> <i>the troubled sea, when it +cannot rest, whose waters</i> <i>cast up mire and dirt. There +is no peace, saith my</i> <i>God, to the wicked</i>. Isa. lvii. +20, 21.<br> +<br> +105. And now my heart was, at times, exceeding hard; if I would +have given a thousand pounds for a tear, I could not shed one: no nor +sometimes scarce desire to shed one. I was much dejected, to think +that this would be my lot. I saw some could mourn and lament their +sin; and others again, could rejoice and bless God for Christ; and others +again, could quietly talk of, and with gladness remember the word of +God; while I only was in the storm or tempest. This much sunk +me, I thought my condition was alone, I should therefore much bewail +my hard hap, but get out of, or get rid of these things, I could not.<br> +<br> +106. While this temptation lasted, which was about a year, I could +attend upon none of the ordinances of God, but with sore and great affliction. +Yea, then I was most distressed with blasphemies. If I had been +hearing the word, then uncleanness, blasphemies and despair would hold +me a captive there: if I have been reading, then sometimes I had sudden +thoughts to question all I read: sometimes again, my mind would be so +strangely snatched away, and possessed with other things, that I have +neither known, nor regarded, nor remembered so much as the sentence +that but now I have read.<br> +<br> +107. In prayer also I have been greatly troubled at this time; +sometimes I have thought I have felt him behind me pulling my clothes: +he would be also continually at me in time of prayer, to have done, +break off, make haste, you have prayed enough, and stay no longer; still +drawing my mind away. Sometimes also he would cast in such wicked +thoughts as these; that I must pray to him, or for him: I have thought +sometimes of that, <i>Fall down</i>; or, <i>if thou wilt fall</i> <i>down +and worship me</i>. Matt. iii. 9.<br> +<br> +108. Also, when because I have had wandering thoughts in the time +of this duty, I have laboured to compose my mind, and fix it upon God; +then with great force hath the tempter laboured to distract me, and +confound me, and to turn away my mind, by presenting to my heart and +fancy, the form of a bush, a bull, a besom, or the like, as if I should +pray to these: To these he would also (at sometimes especially) so hold +my mind, that I was as if I could think of nothing else, or pray to +nothing else but to these, or such as they.<br> +<br> +109. Yet at times I should have some strong and heart-affecting +apprehensions of God, and the reality of the truth of His gospel. +But, oh! how would my heart, at such times, put forth itself with unexpressible +groanings. My whole soul was then in every word; I should cry +with pangs after God, that He would be merciful unto me; but then I +should be daunted again with such conceits as these: I should think +that God did mock at these my prayers, saying, and that in the audience +of the holy angels, <i>This poor simple wretch doth hanker after Me, +as if I</i> <i>had nothing to do with My mercy, but to bestow it on</i> +<i>such as he. Alas, poor soul</i>! <i>how art thou deceived</i>! +<i>It</i> <i>is not for such as thee to have favour with the Highest.<br> +<br> +</i>110. Then hath the tempter come upon me, also, with such discouragements +as these: <i>You are very hot for mercy, but I will cool you; this frame +shall not last always: many have been as hot as you for a spurt, but +I have quenched their zeal</i> (and with this, such and such, who were +fallen off, would be set before mine eyes). Then I should be afraid +that I should do so too: But, thought I, I am glad this comes into my +mind: well, I will watch, and take what care I can. <i>Though +you do</i>, said Satan, <i>I shall be too hard for you</i>; <i>I will +cool you</i> <i>insensibly, by degrees, by little and little</i>. +<i>What care</i> <i>I</i>, saith he, <i>though I be seven years in chilling +your</i> <i>heart, if I can do it at last</i>? <i>Continual rocking +will</i> <i>lull a crying child asleep: I will ply it close, but I will +have my end accomplished. Though you be burning hot at present, +I can pull you from this fire; I shall</i> <i>have you cold before it +be long.<br> +<br> +</i>111. These things brought me into great straits; for as I +at present could not find myself fit for present death, so I thought, +to live long, would make me yet more unfit; for time would make me forget +all, and wear even the remembrance of the evil of sin, the worth of +heaven, and the need I had of the blood of Christ to wash me, both out +of mind and thought: but I thank Christ Jesus, these things did not +at present make me slack my crying, but rather did put me more upon +it (<i>like her who met with adulterer</i>, Deut. xxii. 26), in which +days that was a good word to me, after I had suffered these things a +while:- <i>I am</i> <i>persuaded that neither death, nor life, etc., +shall be</i> <i>able to separate us from the love of God which is in</i> +<i>Christ Jesus our Lord</i>. Rom. viii. 38, 39. And now +I hoped long life would not destroy me, nor make me miss of heaven.<br> +<br> +112. Yet I had some supports in this temptation, though they were +then all questioned by me; that in <i>Jer. iii</i>. at the first was +something to me; and so was the consideration of verse 5 of that chapter; +that though we have spoken and done as evil things as we could, yet +we should cry unto God, <i>My Father, Thou art the Guide of my youth</i>, +and shall return unto Him.<br> +<br> +113. I had, also, once a sweet glance from that in 2 Cor. v. 21:<i> +For He hath made Him to be sin for us, Who knew no sin, that we</i> +<i>might be made the righteousness of God</i> <i>in Him</i>. I +remember that one day, as I was sitting in a neighbour’s house, +and there very sad at the consideration of my many blasphemies; and +as I was saying in my mind, <i>What ground have I to say that, who</i> +<i>have been so vile and abominable, should ever inherit</i> <i>eternal +life</i>? That word came suddenly upon me, <i>What shall we say +to these things</i>? <i>If God be for us</i>, <i>who can be against +us</i>? Rom. viii. 31. That also was an help unto me, <i>Because +I live, ye shall live</i> <i>also</i>. John xiv. 19. But +these words were but hints, touches, and short visits, though very sweet +when present; only they lasted not; but, <i>like to</i> Peter’s<i> +sheet, of a sudden were caught up from me</i>, <i>to heaven again</i>. +Acts x. 16.<br> +<br> +114. But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously discover +Himself unto me, and indeed, did quite, not only deliver me from the +guilt that, by these things was laid upon my conscience, but also from +the very filth thereof; for the temptation was removed, and I was put +into my right mind again, as other Christians were.<br> +<br> +115. I remember that one day, as I was travelling into the country, +and musing on the wickedness and blasphemy of my heart, and considering +the enmity that was in me to God, that scripture came into my mind, +<i>Having made peace through the</i> <i>blood of His cross</i>. +Col. i. 20. By which I was made to see, both again and again, +that God and my soul were friends by His blood; yea, I saw that the +justice of God, and my sinful soul could embrace and kiss each other, +through His blood. This was a good day to me; I hope I shall never +forget it.<br> +<br> +116. At another time, as I sat by the fire in my house, and was +musing on my wretchedness, the Lord made that also a precious word unto +me, <i>Forasmuch then as the children are partakers</i> <i>of flesh +and blood, He also Himself likewise took part of</i> <i>the same, that +through death He might destroy him that had the power of death, that +is the devil; and deliver those who through fear of death, were all +their lifetime subject to bondage</i>. Heb. ii. 14, 15. +I thought that the glory of these words was then so weighty on me, that +I was both once and twice ready to swoon as I sate; yet not with grief +and trouble, but with solid joy and peace.<br> +<br> +117. At this time also I sate under of holy Mr <i>Gifford</i>, +whose doctrine, by God’s grace, was much for my stability. +This man made it much his business to deliver the people of God from +all those false and unsound tests, that by nature we are prone to. +He would bid us take special heed, that we took not up any truth upon +trust; as from this, or that, or any other man or men; but to cry mightily +to God, that He would convince us of the reality thereof, and set us +down therein by His own Spirit in the holy word; <i>For</i>, said he, +<i>if you do otherwise, when temptations come, if</i> <i>strongly, you +not having received them with evidence</i> <i>from heaven, will find +you want that help and strength</i> <i>now to resist, that once you +thought you had.<br> +<br> +</i>118. This was as seasonable to my soul, as the former and +latter rains in their season (for I had found, and that by sad experience, +the truth of these his words: for I had felt <i>no man can say</i>, +especially when tempted by the devil, <i>that Jesus Christ is Lord, +but</i> <i>by the Holy Ghost</i>). Wherefore I found my soul, +through grace, very apt to drink in this doctrine, and to incline to +pray to God, that in nothing that pertained to God’s glory, and +my own eternal happiness, He would suffer me to be without the confirmation +thereof from heaven; for now I saw clearly, there was an exceeding difference +betwixt the notion of the flesh and blood, and the revelations of God +in heaven: also a great difference betwixt that faith that is feigned, +and according to man’s wisdom, and that which comes by a man’s +being born thereto of God. Matt. xvi. 15; 1 John v. 1.<br> +<br> +119. But, oh! now, how was my soul led from truth to truth by +God! Even from the birth and cradle of the Son of God, to His +accession, and second coming from heaven to judge the world!<br> +<br> +120. Truly, I then found, upon this account, the great God was +very good unto me; for, to my remembrance, there was not any thing that +I then cried unto God to make known, and reveal unto me, but He was +pleased to do it for me; I mean, not one part of the gospel of the Lord +Jesus, but I was orderly led into it: methought I saw with great evidence, +from the relation of the four evangelists, the wonderful work of God, +in giving Jesus Christ to save us, from His conception and birth, even +to His second coming to judgment: methought I was as if I had seen Him +born, as if I had seen Him grow up; as if I had seen Him walk through +this world, from the cradle to the cross; to which also, when He came, +I saw how gently He gave Himself to be hanged, and nailed on it for +my sins and wicked doings. Also as I was musing on this His progress, +that dropped on my spirit, <i>He was</i> <i>ordained for the slaughter</i>. +1 Peter i. 12, 20.<br> +<br> +121. When I have considered also the truth of His resurrection, +and have remembered that word, <i>Touch Me not, Mary</i>, etc., I have +seen as if He had leaped out of the grave’s mouth, for joy that +He was risen again, and had got the conquest over our dreadful foes. +John xx. 17. I have also in the spirit, seen Him a man, on the +right hand of God the Father for me; and have seen the manner of His +coming from heaven, to judge the world with glory, and have been confirmed +in these things by these scriptures following, Acts i. 9, 10, and vii. +56, and x. 42; Heb. vii. 24 and ix. 28; Rev. i. 18; 1 Thess. iv. 17, +18.<br> +<br> +112. Once I was troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus was man +as well as God, and God as well as man: and truly, in those days, let +men say what they would, unless I had it with evidence from heaven, +all was nothing to me; I counted myself not set down in any truth of +God. Well, I was much troubled about this point, and could not +tell how to be resolved; at last, that in Rev. v. 6 came into my mind: +<i>And I beheld, and, to, in the</i> <i>midst of the throne, and of +the four beasts, and in the</i> <i>midst of the elders, stood a Lamb, +as it had been slain</i>. In the midst of the throne, thought +I, there is the Godhead; in the midst of the elders, there is His manhood; +but, oh! methought this did glister! It was a goodly touch, and +gave me sweet satisfaction. That other scripture also did help +me much in this, <i>For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given</i>; +<i>and the government shall be upon His shoulder: and His name shall +be called Wonderful, Counsellor, the</i> <i>Mighty God, the Everlasting +Father, the Prince of</i> <i>Peace</i>, etc. Isa. ix. 6.<br> +<br> +123. Also besides these teachings of God in His word, the Lord +made use of two things to confirm me in this truth; the one was the +errors of the Quakers and the other was the guilt of sin; for as the +Quakers did oppose this truth, so God did the more confirm me in it, +by leading me into the scripture that did wonderfully maintain it.<br> +<br> +124. The errors that this people then maintained, were:-<br> +<br> +‘1. That the holy scriptures were not the word of God.<br> +<br> +‘2. That every man in the world had the spirit of Christ, +grace, faith, etc.<br> +<br> +‘3. That Christ Jesus, as crucified, and dying sixteen hundred +years ago, did not satisfy divine justice for the sins of the people.<br> +<br> +‘4. That Christ’s flesh and blood were within the +saints.<br> +<br> +‘5. That the bodies of the good and bad that are buried +in the church-yard, shall not arise again.<br> +<br> +‘6. That the resurrection is past with good men already.<br> +<br> +‘7. That that man Jesus, that was crucified between two +thieves, on mount <i>Calvary</i>, in the land of <i>Canaan</i>, by <i>Jerusalem</i>, +was not ascended above the starry heavens.<br> +<br> +‘8. That He should not, even the same Jesus that died by +the hands of the Jews, come again at the last day; and as man, judge +all nations,’ etc.<br> +<br> +125. Many more vile and abominable things were in those days fomented +by them, by which I was driven to a more narrow search of the scriptures, +and was through their light and testimony, not only enlightened, but +greatly confirmed and comforted in the truth: And, as I said, the guilt +of sin did help me much; for still as that would come upon me, the blood +of Christ did take it off again, and again, and again; and that too +sweetly, according to the scripture. <i>O friends! cry to God +to reveal</i> <i>Jesus Christ unto you; there is none teacheth like</i> +<i>Him.<br> +<br> +</i>126. It would be too long here to stay, to tell you in particular, +how God did set me down in all the things of Christ, and how He did, +that He might so do, lead me into His words; yea, and also how He did +open them unto me, and make them shine before me, and cause them to +dwell with me, talk with me, and comfort me over and over, both of His +own being, and the being of His Son, and Spirit, and word, and gospel.<br> +<br> +127. Only this, as I said before, I will say unto you again, that +in general, He was pleased to take this course with me; first, to suffer +me to be afflicted with temptations concerning them, and then reveal +them unto me; as sometimes I should lie under great guilt for sin, even +crushed to the ground therewith; and then the Lord would show me the +death of Christ; yea, so sprinkle my conscience with His blood, that +I should find, and that before I was aware, that in that conscience, +where but just now did reign and rage the law, even there would rest +and abide the peace and love of God, through Christ.<br> +<br> +128. Now I had an evidence, as I thought, of my salvation, from +heaven, with many golden seals thereon, all hanging in my sight. +Now could I remember this manifestation, and the other discovery of +grace, with comfort; and should often long and desire that the last +day were come, that I might be for ever inflamed with the sight, and +joy, and communion of Him, Whose head was crowned with thorns, Whose +face was spit upon, and body broken, and soul made an offering for my +sins. For whereas before I lay continually trembling at the mouth +of hell, now methought I was got so far therefrom, that I could not, +when I looked back, scarce discern it! And oh! thought I, that +I were fourscore years old now, that I might die quickly, that my soul +might be gone to rest.<br> +<br> +129. But before I had got thus far out of these my temptations, +I did greatly long to see some ancient godly man’s experience, +who had writ some hundreds of years before I was born; for those who +had writ in our days, I thought (but I desire them now to pardon me) +that they had writ only that which others felt; or else had, through +the strength of their wits and parts, studied to answer such objections +as they perceived others were perplexed with, without going down themselves +into the deep. Well, after many such longings in my mind, the +God, in Whose hands are all our days and ways, did cast into my hand +(one day) a book <i>of Martin Luther’s</i>; it was his Comment +on the <i>Galatians</i>; it also was so old, that it was ready to fall +piece from piece if I did but turn it over. Now I was pleased +much that such an old book had fallen into my hand, the which when I +had but a little way perused, I found my condition in his experience +so largely and profoundly handled, as if his book had been written out +of my heart. This made me marvel: for thus thought I, <i>This +man could not know any thing of the state of</i> <i>Christians now, +but must needs write and speak the</i> <i>experience of former days.<br> +<br> +</i>130. Besides, he doth most gravely also in that book, debate +of the rise of these temptations, namely, blasphemy, desperation, and +the like; showing that the law of <i>Moses</i>, as well as the devil, +death, and hell, hath a very great hand therein: the which, at first, +was very strange to me; but considering and watching, I found it so +indeed. But of particulars here, I intend nothing; only this methinks +I must let fall before all men - I do prefer this book of <i>Martin +Luther</i> upon the <i>Galatians</i> (excepting the Holy Bible) before +all the books that ever I had seen, as most fit for a wounded conscience.<br> +<br> +131. And now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christ dearly: +Oh! methought my soul cleaved unto Him, my affections cleaved unto Him; +I felt love to Him as hot as fire; and now, as <i>Job</i> said, <i>I +thought I</i> <i>should die in my nest</i>; but I did quickly find, +that my great love was but little; and that I, who had, as I thought, +such burning love to Jesus Christ, could let Him go again for a very +trifle, - God can tell how to abase us, and can hide pride from man. +Quickly after this my love was tried to purpose.<br> +<br> +132. For after the Lord had, in this manner, thus graciously delivered +me from this great and sore temptation, and had set me down so sweetly +in the faith of His holy gospel, and had given me such strong consolation +and blessed evidence from heaven, touching my interest in His love through +Christ; the tempter came upon me again, and that with a more grievous +and dreadful temptation than before.<br> +<br> +133. And that was, <i>To sell and part with this most blessed Christ, +to exchange Him for the things of this life, for any thing</i>. +The temptation lay upon me for the space of a year, and did follow me +so continually, that I was not rid of it one day in a month: no, not +sometimes one hour in many days together, unless when I was asleep.<br> +<br> +134. And though, in my judgment, I was persuaded, that those who +were once effectually in Christ (as I hoped, through His grace, I had +seen myself) could never lose Him for ever; <i>The land</i> <i>shall +not be sold for ever, for the land is mine</i>, saith God. Lev. +xxv. 23. Yet it was a continual vexation to me, to think that +I should have so much as one such thought within me against a Christ, +a Jesus, that had done for me as He had done; and yet then I had almost +none others, but such blasphemous ones.<br> +<br> +135. But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet any +desire and endeavour to resist, that in the least did shake or abate +the continuation or force and strength thereof; for it did always, in +almost whatever I thought, intermix itself therewith, in such sort, +that I could neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop a stick, or +cast mine eye to look on this or that, but still the temptation would +come, <i>Sell Christ for this, or sell Christ for that; sell Him</i>, +s<i>ell Him.<br> +<br> +</i>136. Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so little +as a hundred times together, <i>Sell Him, sell Him, sell Him</i>: against +which, I may say, for whole hours together, I have been forced to stand +as continually leaning and forcing my spirit against it, lest haply, +before I were aware, some wicked thought might arise in my heart, that +might consent thereto; and sometimes the tempter would make me believe +I had consented to it; but then I should be, as tortured upon a rack +for whole days together.<br> +<br> +137. This temptation did put me to such scares, lest I should +at some times, I say, consent thereto, and be overcome therewith, that +by the very force of my mind, in labouring to gainsay and resist this +wickedness, my very body would be put into action or motion, by way +of pushing or thrusting with my hands or elbows; still answering, as +fast as the destroyer said, <i>Sell Him; I will not, I will not, I</i> +<i>will not, I will not; no, not for thousands, thousands</i>, <i>thousands +of worlds</i>: thus reckoning, lest I should, in the midst of these +assaults, set too low a value on Him; even until I scarce well knew +where I was, or how to be composed again.<br> +<br> +138. At these seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet; +but, forsooth, when I was set at the table at my meat, I must go hence +to pray; I must leave my food now, just now, so counterfeit holy also +would this devil be. When I was thus tempted, I would say in myself, +<i>Now I am at meat; let me make an end</i>. NO, said he, <i>you +must do it now, or you will displease God, and despise Christ</i>. +Wherefore I was much afflicted with these things; and because of the +sinfulness of my nature (imagining that these were impulses from God), +I should deny to do it, as if I denied God, and then should I be as +guilty, because I did not obey a temptation of the devil, as if I had +broken the law of God indeed.<br> +<br> +139. But to be brief: one morning as I did lie in my bed, I was, +as at other times, most fiercely assaulted with this temptation, <i>To +sell and part with Christ</i>; the wicked suggestion still running in +my mind, <i>Sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, sell Him</i>, as +fast as a man could speak: against which also, in my mind, as at other +times, I answered, <i>No, no, not for thousands, thousands</i>, <i>thousands</i>, +at least twenty times together: but at last, after much striving, even +until I was almost out of breath, I felt this thought pass through my +heart, <i>Let Him go, if He will</i>; and I thought also, that I felt +my heart freely consent thereto. Oh! the diligence of Satan! +Oh! the desperateness of man’s heart!<br> +<br> +140. Now was the battle won, and down fell I as a bird that is +shot from the top of a tree, into great guilt, and fearful despair. +Thus getting out of my bed, I went moping into the field; but God knows, +with as heavy a heart as mortal man, I think, could bear; where for +the space of two hours, I was like a man bereft of life; and, as now, +past all recovery, and bound over to eternal punishment.<br> +<br> +141. And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul: <i>Or +profane persons as Esau, who for one morsel of meat, sold his birthright: +for ye know, how that afterward, when he would have inherited</i> <i>the +blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place</i> <i>of repentance, +though he sought it carefully with tears</i>. Heb. xii. 16, 17.<br> +<br> +142. Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut up unto the judgment +to come; nothing now, for two years together, would abide with me, but +damnation, and an expectation of damnation: I say, nothing now would +abide with me but this, save some few moments for relief, as in the +sequel you will see.<br> +<br> +143. These words were to my soul, like fetters of brass to my +legs, in the continual sound of which I went for several months together. +But about ten or eleven o’clock on that day, as I was walking +under an hedge (full of sorrow and guilt, God knows), and bemoaning +myself for this hard hap, that such a thought should arise within me, +suddenly this sentence rushed in upon me, <i>The blood of Christ remits +all guilt</i>. At this I made a stand in my spirit: with that +this word took hold upon me, <i>The blood of Jesus Christ His Son, cleanseth +us from all sin</i>. 1 John i. 7.<br> +<br> +144. Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, and methought I +saw, as if the tempter did leer and steal away from me, as being ashamed +of what he had done. At the same time also I had my sin, and the +blood of Christ, thus represented to me, That my sin, when compared +to the blood of Christ, was no more to it, than this little clod or +stone before me, is to this vast and wide field that here I see. +This gave me good encouragement for the space of two or three hours; +in which time also, methought, I saw, by faith, the Son of God, as suffering +for my sins: but because it tarried not, I therefore sunk in my spirit, +under exceeding guilt again.<br> +<br> +145. But chiefly by the aforementioned scripture concerning <i>Esau’s</i> +selling of his birthright; for that scripture would lie all day long, +all the week long, yea, all the year long in my mind, and hold me down, +so that I could by no means lift up myself; for when I would strive +to turn to this scripture or that, for relief, still that sentence would +be sounding in me; <i>For ye know, how that afterwards, when he would</i> +<i>have inherited the blessing, he found no place of</i> <i>repentance, +though he sought it carefully with tears.<br> +<br> +</i>146. Sometimes, indeed, I should have a touch from that in +Luke xxii. 31<i>, I have prayed for thee that thy faith fail not</i>; +but it would not abide upon me; neither could I, indeed, when I considered +my state, find ground to conceive in the least, that there should be +the root of that grace in me, having sinned as I had done. Now +was I tore and rent in an heavy case for many days together.<br> +<br> +147. Then began I with sad and careful heart to consider of the +nature and largeness of my sin, and to search into the word of God, +if I could in any place espy a word of promise, or any encouraging sentence, +by which I might take relief. Wherefore I began to consider that +of Mark iii. 28: <i>All sins shall be forgiven unto</i> <i>the sons +of men, and blasphemies wherewith soever</i> <i>they shall blaspheme</i>. +Which place, methought at a blush, did contain a large and glorious +promise for the pardon of high offences; but considering the place more +fully, I thought it was rather to be understood, as relating more chiefly +to those who had, while in a natural estate, committed such things as +there are mentioned; but not to me, who had not only received light +and mercy, but that had both after, and also contrary to that, so slighted +Christ as I had done.<br> +<br> +148. I feared, therefore, that this wicked sin of mine, might +be that sin unpardonable, of which He there thus speaketh. <i>But +he that shall blaspheme against</i> <i>the Holy Ghost, hath never forgiveness, +but is in danger of</i> <i>eternal damnation</i>. Mark iii. 29. +And I did the rather give credit to this, because of that sentence in +the Hebrews: <i>For you know how that afterwards, when he</i> <i>would +have inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place +of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears</i>. And +this stuck always with me.<br> +<br> +149. And now was I both a burthen and a terror to myself; nor +did I ever so know, as now, what it was to be weary of my life, and +yet afraid to die. Oh! how gladly now would I have been anybody +but myself! anything but a man, and in any condition but my own! +For there was nothing did pass more frequently over my mind, than that +it was impossible for me to be forgiven my transgression, and to be +saved from the wrath to come.<br> +<br> +150. And now I began to call again time that was spent; wishing +a thousand times twice told, that the day was yet to come when I should +be tempted to such a sin; concluding with great indignation, both against +my heart, and all assaults, how I would rather have been torn in pieces, +than be found a consenter thereto. But alas! these thoughts, and +wishings, and resolvings were now too late to help me; this thought +had passed my heart, God hath let me go, and I am fallen. Oh! +thought I, <i>that it</i> <i>were with me as in months past, as in the +days when</i> <i>God preserved me</i>! Job xxix. 2.<br> +<br> +151. Then again, being loth and unwilling to perish, I began to +compare my sin with others to see if I could find that any of those +that were saved, had done as I had done. So I considered <i>David’s</i> +adultery, and murder, and found them most heinous crimes; and those +too committed after light and grace received: but yet by considering +that his transgressions were only such as were against the law of <i>Moses</i>, +from which the Lord Christ could, with the consent of His word, deliver +him: but mine was against the gospel; yea, against the Mediator thereof; +I had sold my Saviour.<br> +<br> +152. Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel, when I +considered, that, besides the guilt that possessed me, I should be so +void of grace, so bewitched. What, thought I, must it be no sin +but this? Must it needs be the <i>great transgression</i>? +Ps. xix. 13. Must <i>that wicked one</i> touch my soul? +1 John v. 18. Oh! what sting did I find in all these sentences?<br> +<br> +153. What, thought I, is there but <i>one</i> sin that is unpardonable? +but <i>one</i> sin that layeth the soul without the reach of God’s +mercy; and must I be guilty of <i>that</i>? must it needs be that? +Is there but one <i>sin</i> among<i> so many</i> millions of sins, for +which there is no forgiveness; and must I commit this? Oh! unhappy +<i>sin</i>! Oh! unhappy <i>man</i>! These things would so +break and confound my spirit, that I could not tell what to do; I thought +at times, they would have broke my wits; and still, to aggravate my +misery, that would run in my mind, <i>You know, how, that afterwards, +when he</i> <i>would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected</i>. +<i>Oh! no one knows the terrors of those days but myself.<br> +<br> +</i>154. After this I began to consider of <i>Peter’s</i> +sin, which he committed in denying his Master: and indeed, this came +nighest to mine of any that I could find, for he had denied his Saviour, +as I, after light and mercy received; yea, and that too, after warning +given him. I also considered, that he did it both once and twice; +and that, after time to consider betwixt. But though I put all +these circumstances together, that, if possible I might find help, yet +I considered again, that his was but <i>a denial of his Master</i>, +but mine was, <i>a selling of my Saviour</i>. Wherefore I thought +with myself, that I came nearer to <i>Judas</i>, than either to <i>David</i> +or <i>Peter.<br> +<br> +</i>155. Here again my torment would flame out and afflict me; +yea, it would grind me, as it were to powder, to consider the preservation +of God towards others, while I fell into the snare; for in my thus considering +of other men’s sins, and comparing them with mine own, I could +evidently see, God preserved them, notwithstanding their wickedness, +and would not let them, as He had let me, become a son of perdition.<br> +<br> +156. But oh! how did my soul at this time prize the preservation +that God did set about His people! Ah, how safely did I see them +walk, whom God had hedged in! They were within His care, protection, +and special providence: though they were full as bad as I by nature; +yet because He loved them, He would not suffer them to fall without +the range of mercy: but as for me, I was gone, I had done it: He would +not preserve me, nor keep me; but suffered me, because I was a reprobate, +to fall as I had done. Now did those blessed places that speak +of God’s keeping His people, shine like the sun before me, though +not to comfort me, yet to show me the blessed state and heritage of +those whom the Lord had blessed.<br> +<br> +157. Now I saw, that as God had His hand in all the providences +and dispensations that overtook His elect; so He had His hand in all +the temptations that they had to sin against Him; not to animate them +to wickedness, but to choose their temptations and troubles for them; +and also to leave them for a time, to such sins only that might not +destroy, but humble them; as might not put them beyond, but lay them +in the way of the renewing His mercy. But oh! what love, what +care, what kindness and mercy did I now see, mixing itself with the +most severe and dreadful of all God’s ways to His people! +He would let <i>David, Hezekiah, Solomon, Peter</i>, and others, fall; +but He would not let them fall into sin unpardonable, nor into hell +for sin. Oh! thought I, these be the men that God hath loved; +these be the men that God, though He chastiseth them, keeps them in +safety by Him; and them whom He makes to abide under the shadow of the +Almighty. But all these thoughts added sorrow, grief, and horror +to me, as whatever I now thought on, it was killing to me. If +I thought how God kept His own, that was killing to me; if I thought +of how I was fallen myself, that was killing to me. As all things +wrought together for the best, and to do good to them that were the +called, according to His purpose, so I thought that all things wrought +for my damage, and for my eternal overthrow.<br> +<br> +158. Then again I began to compare my sin with the sin of <i>Judas</i>, +that, if possible, I might find if mine differed from that, which in +truth is unpardonable: and oh! thought I, if it should differ from it, +though but the breadth of an hair, what a happy condition is my soul +in! And by considering, I found that <i>Judas</i> did this intentionally, +but mine was against my prayer and strivings: besides, his was committed +with much deliberation, but mine in a fearful hurry, on a sudden: all +this while I was tossed to and fro like the locusts, and driven from +trouble to sorrow; hearing always the sound of <i>Esau’s</i> fall +in mine ears, and the dreadful consequences thereof.<br> +<br> +159. Yet this consideration about <i>Judas’s</i> sin was, +for awhile, some little relief to me; for I saw I had not, as to the +circumstances, transgressed so fully as he. But this was quickly +gone again, for I thought with myself, there might be more ways than +one to commit this unpardonable sin; also I thought there might be degrees +of that, as well as of other transgressions; wherefore, for aught I +yet could perceive, this iniquity of mine might be such, as might never +be passed by.<br> +<br> +160. I was often now ashamed that I should be like such an ugly +man as Judas: I thought also how loathsome I should be unto all the +saints at the day of judgment: insomuch that now I could scarce see +a good man, that I believed had a good conscience, but I should feel +my heart tremble at him, while I was in his presence. Oh! now +I saw a glory in walking with God, and what a mercy it was to have a +good conscience before Him.<br> +<br> +161. I was much about that time tempted to content myself by receiving +some false opinion; as, that there should be no such thing as a day +of judgment; that we should not rise again; and that sin was no such +grievous thing: the tempter suggesting thus: <i>For if these things +should indeed</i> <i>be true, yet to believe otherwise would yield you +ease</i> <i>for the present. If you must perish, never torment</i> +<i>yourself so much beforehand: drive the thoughts of</i> <i>damning +out of your mind, by possessing your mind</i> <i>with some such conclusions +that</i> Atheists<i> and</i> Ranters <i>use to help themselves withal.<br> +<br> +</i>162. But oh! when such thoughts have led through my heart, +how, as it were, within a step, hath death and judgment been in my view! +methought the judge stood at the door; I was as if it was come already; +so that such things could have no entertainment. But methinks, +I see by this, that Satan will use any means to keep the soul from Christ; +he loveth not an awakened frame of spirit; security, blindness, darkness, +and error, is the very kingdom and habitation of the wicked one.<br> +<br> +163. I found it a hard work now to pray to God, because despair +was swallowing me up; I thought I was as with a tempest driven away +from God; for always when I cried to God for mercy, this would come +in, ’<i>Tis too late, I am lost</i>, <i>God hath let me fall; +not to my correction, but condemnation: my sin is unpardonable; and +I know</i>, <i>concerning Esau, how that after he had sold his birthright, +be would have received the blessing, but was rejected</i>. About +this time I did light on that dreadful story of that miserable mortal +Francis Spira; a book that was to my troubled spirit, as salt, when +rubbed into a fresh wound: every sentence in that book, every groan +of that man, with all the rest of his actions in his dolours, as his +tears, his prayers, his gnashing of teeth, his wringing of hands, his +twining and twisting, and languishing, and pining away under that mighty +hand of God that was upon him, were as knives and daggers in my soul; +especially that sentence of his was frightful to me, <i>Man knows</i> +<i>the beginning of sin</i>?<i> but who bounds the issues thereof</i>? +Then would the former sentence, as the conclusion of all, fall like +an hot thunderbolt again upon my conscience; <i>For you know how that +afterwards</i>, <i>when he would have inherited the blessing, he was</i> +<i>rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though</i> <i>he sought +it carefully with tears.<br> +<br> +</i>164. Then should I be struck into a very great trembling, +insomuch that at sometimes I could, for whole days together, feel my +very body, as well as my mind, to shake and totter under the sense of +this dreadful judgment of God, that should fall on those that have sinned +that most fearful and unpardonable sin. I felt also such a clogging +and heat at my stomach, by reason of this my terror, that I was, especially +at some times, as if my breast-bone would split asunder; then I thought +of that concerning Judas, who by <i>falling headlong, he burst asunder +in</i> <i>the midst, and all his bowels gushed out</i>. Acts i. +18.<br> +<br> +165. I feared also that this was the mark that the Lord did set +on <i>Cain</i>, even continual fear and trembling, under the heavy load +of guilt that he had charged on him for the blood of his brother <i>Abel</i>. +Thus did I wind, and twine, and shrink under the burthen that was upon +me; which burthen also did so oppress me, that I could neither stand, +nor go, nor lie, either at rest or quiet.<br> +<br> +166. Yet that saying would sometimes come into my mind, <i>He +hath received gifts for the rebellious</i>. Psalm lxviii. 18. +The <i>rebellious</i>, thought I! why surely they are such as once were +under subjection to their Prince; even those who after they have sworn +subjection to His government, have taken up arms against Him; and this, +thought I, is my very condition: I once loved Him, feared Him, served +Him; but now I am a rebel; I have sold Him, I have said, <i>Let Him +go, if He will</i>; but yet He has gifts for rebels; and then why not +for me?<br> +<br> +167. This sometimes I thought on, and should labour to take hold +thereof, that some, though small refreshment, might have been conceived +by me; but in this also I missed of my desire; I was driven with force +beyond it; I was like a man going to execution, even by <i>that</i> +place where he would fain creep in and hide himself, but may not.<br> +<br> +168. Again, after I had thus considered the sins of the <i>saints</i> +in particular, and found <i>mine</i> went beyond them, then I began +to think with myself, Set the case I should put <i>all theirs</i> together, +and <i>mine alone</i> against them, might I not then find some encouragement? +for if <i>mine</i>, though bigger than any one, yet should be but equal +to all, then there is hopes; for that blood that hath virtue enough +in it to wash away all theirs, had virtue enough in it to do away mine, +though this one be full as big, if not bigger than all theirs. +Here again, I should consider the sin of <i>David</i>, of <i>Solomon</i>, +of <i>Manasseh</i>, of <i>Peter</i>, and the rest of the great offenders; +and should also labour, what I might with fairness, to aggravate and +heighten their sins by several circumstances.<br> +<br> +169. I should think with myself that <i>David</i> shed blood to +cover his adultery, and that by the sword of the children of <i>Ammon</i>; +a work that could not be done, but by continuance, deliberate contrivance, +which was a great aggravation to his sin. But then this would +turn upon me: Ah! but these were but sins against the law, from which +there was a Jesus sent to save them; but yours is a sin against the +Saviour, and who shall save you from that?<br> +<br> +170. Then I thought on <i>Solomon</i>, and how he sinned in loving +strange women, falling away to their idols, in building them temples, +in doing this after light, in his old age, after great mercy received: +but the same conclusion that cut me off in the former consideration, +cut me off as to this; namely, that all those were but sins against +the law, for which God had provided a remedy; <i>but I had sold my Saviour</i>, +and there remained no more sacrifice for sin.<br> +<br> +171. I would then add to these men’s sins, the sins of <i>Manasseh</i>; +how that he built altars for idols in the house of the Lord; he also +observed times, used enchantments, had to do with wizards, was a wizard, +had his familiar spirits, burned his children in the fire in sacrifice +to devils, and made the streets of <i>Jerusalem</i> run down with the +blood of innocents. These, thought I, are great sins, sins of +a bloody colour, but yet it would turn again upon me, <i>They are none +of them of the nature of yours; you have parted with Jesus, you</i> +<i>have sold your Saviour.<br> +<br> +</i>172. This one consideration would always kill my heart, <i>my +sin was point blank against</i> <i>my Saviour</i>; and that too, at +that height, that I had in my heart said of Him, <i>Let Him</i> <i>go, +if He will</i>. Oh! methought this sin was bigger than the sins +of a country, of a kingdom, or of the whole world, <i>no</i> one pardonable; +nor <i>all</i> of them together, was able to equal mine; mine out-went +them every one.<br> +<br> +173. Now I should find my mind to flee from God, as from the face +of a dreadful judge, yet this was my torment, I could not escape His +hand: (<i>It is a</i> <i>fearful thing to fall into the hands of the +living</i> <i>God</i>. Hebrew x.) But, blessed be His grace, +that scripture, in these flying fits, would call, as running after me, +<i>I have blotted out, as a thick cloud, thy</i> <i>transgressions; +and as a cloud, thy sins: return unto</i> <i>Me, for I have redeemed +thee</i>. Isaiah xliv. 22. This, I say, would come in upon +my mind, when I was fleeing from the face of God; for I did flee from +His face; that is, my mind and spirit fled before Him; by reason of +His highness, I could not endure: then would the text cry, <i>Return +unto Me</i>; it would cry aloud with a very great voice, <i>Return</i> +<i>unto Me, for I have redeemed thee</i>. Indeed, this would make +me make a little stop, and, as it were, look over my shoulder behind +me, to see if I could discern that the God of grace did follow me with +a pardon in His hand; but I could no sooner do that, but all would be +clouded and darkened again by that sentence, <i>For you know, how that +afterwards</i>, <i>when he would have inherited the blessing, he found</i> +<i>no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears</i>. +Wherefore I could not refrain, but fled, though at some times it cried, +<i>Return, return</i>, as if it did hollow after me: but I feared to +close in therewith, lest it should not come from God; for that other, +as I said, was still sounding in my conscience, <i>For you know that +afterwards, when he</i> <i>would have inherited the blessing, he was +rejected, etc.<br> +<br> +</i>174. Once as I was walking to and fro in a good man’s +shop, bemoaning of myself in my sad and doleful state, afflicting myself +with self-abhorrence for this wicked and ungodly thought; lamenting +also this hard hap of mine for that I should commit so great a sin, +greatly fearing that I should not be pardoned; praying also in my heart, +that if this sin of mine did differ from that against the Holy Ghost, +the Lord would show it me. And being now ready to sink with fear, +suddenly there was, as if there had rushed in at the window, the noise +of wind upon me, but very pleasant, and as if I heard a voice speaking, +<i>Did’st thou ever refuse to be justified by the blood of Christ</i>? +and withal, my whole life of profession past, was in a moment opened +to me, wherein I was made to see, that designedly I had not: so my heart +answered groaningly, <i>No</i>. Then fell, with power, that word +of God upon me, <i>See that ye refuse not Him that speaketh</i>. +Hebrew xii. 25. This made a strange seizure upon my spirit; it +brought light with it, and commanded a silence in my heart, of all those +tumultuous thoughts, that did before use, like masterless hell-hounds, +to roar and bellow, and make an hideous noise within me. It showed +me also that Jesus Christ had yet a word of grace and mercy for me, +that He had not, as I had feared, quite forsaken and cast off my soul; +yea, this was a kind of chide for my proneness to desperation; a kind +of threatening of me, if I did not, notwithstanding my sins, and the +heinousness of them, venture my salvation upon the Son of God. +But as to my determining about this strange dispensation, what it was, +I know not; or from whence it came, I know not; I have not yet in twenty +years’ time been able to make a judgment of it; <i>I thought then +what here</i> <i>I should be loth to speak</i>. But verily that +sudden rushing wind was, as if an angel had come upon me; but both it, +and the salutation, I will leave until the day of judgment: only this +I say, it commanded a great calm in my soul; it persuaded me there might +be hope: it showed me, as I thought, what the sin unpardonable was, +and that my soul had yet the blessed privilege to flee to Jesus Christ +for mercy. But I say, concerning this dispensation; I know not +yet what to say unto it; which was also, in truth, the cause, that at +first I did not speak of it in the book; I do now also leave it to be +thought on by men of sound judgment. I lay not the stress of my +salvation thereupon, but upon the Lord Jesus, in the promise; yet seeing +I am here unfolding of my secret things, I thought it might not be altogether +inexpedient to let this also show itself, though I cannot now relate +the matter as there I did experience it. This lasted in the savour +of it for about three or four days, and then I began to mistrust, and +to despair again.<br> +<br> +175. Wherefore still my life hung in doubt before me, not knowing +which way I should tip; only this I found my soul desire, even to cast +itself at the foot of grace, by prayer and supplication. But oh! +’twas hard for me now, to have the face to pray to this Christ +for mercy, against Whom I had thus most vilely sinned: ’twas hard +work, I say, to offer to look Him in the face, against Whom I had so +vilely sinned; and indeed, I have found it as difficult to come to God +by prayer, after backsliding from Him, as to do any other thing. +Oh! the shame that did now attend me! especially when I thought, I am +now a-going to pray to Him for mercy, that I had so lightly esteemed +but a while before! I was ashamed; yea, even confounded, because +this villany had been committed by me: but I saw that there was but +one way with me; I must go to Him, and humble myself unto Him, and beg +that He, of His wonderful mercy, would show pity to me, and have mercy +upon my wretched sinful soul.<br> +<br> +176. Which, when the tempter perceived, he strongly suggested +to me, <i>That I ought not to pray</i> <i>to God, for prayer was not +for any in my case; neither</i> <i>could it do me good, because I had +rejected the</i> <i>Mediator, by Whom all prayers came with acceptance</i> +<i>to God the</i> <i>Father; and without Whom, no prayer</i> <i>could +come</i> <i>into His presence: wherefore now to</i> <i>pray, is but +to add sin to sin; yea, now to pray</i>, <i>seeing God</i> <i>has cast +you off, is the next way to</i> <i>anger and offend Him more than you +ever did</i> <i>before.<br> +<br> +</i>177. <i>For God</i> (saith he) <i>hath been weary of you for +these several years already, because</i> <i>you are none of His; your +bawlings</i> <i>in His ears, hath been no pleasant</i> <i>voice to Him; +and therefore He</i> <i>let you sin this sin, that you might be quite +cut off; and</i> <i>will you pray still</i>? This the devil urged, +and set forth that in <i>Numbers</i>, when <i>Moses</i> said to the +children <i>of Israel, That because they would not go up to possess +the land, when God would have them</i>, <i>therefore for ever after +He did bar them out from</i> <i>thence, though they prayed they might +with tears</i>. Numbers xiv. 36, 37, etc.<br> +<br> +178. As it is said in another place, Exodus xxi. 14, <i>The man +that sins presumptuously shall be taken from God’s altar, that +he may die</i>; even as <i>Joab</i> was by King <i>Solomon</i>, when +he thought to find shelter there. 1 Kings ii. 27, 28, etc. +These places did pinch me very sore; yet my case being desperate, I +thought with myself, I can but die; and if it must be so, it shall once +be said, <i>That such an one died</i> <i>at the foot of Christ in prayer</i>. +This I did, but with great difficulty, God doth know; and that because, +together with this, still that saying about <i>Esau</i> would be set +at my heart, even like a flaming sword, to keep the way of the tree +of life, lest I should take thereof and live. Oh! who knows how +hard a thing I found it, to come to God in prayer!<br> +<br> +179. I did also desire the prayers of the people of God for me, +but I feared that God would give them no heart to do it; yea I trembled +in my soul to think, that some or other of them would shortly tell me, +that God hath said those words to them, that He once did say to the +prophet concerning the children of Israel, <i>Pray not for this people, +for I have rejected them</i>. Jeremiah xi. 14. So, <i>Pray +not for him, for I have rejected him</i>, yea, I thought that He had +whispered this to some of them already, only they durst not tell me +so; neither durst I ask them of it, for fear if it should be so, it +would make me quite beside myself: <i>Man knows the beginning of sin</i> +(said Spira), <i>but</i> <i>who bounds the issues thereof</i>?<br> +<br> +180. About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind to +an ancient Christian, and told him all my case: I told him also, that +I was afraid that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost; and he +told me, <i>He thought so too</i>. Here therefore I had but cold +comfort; but talking a little more with him, I found him, though a good +man, a stranger to much combat with the devil. Wherefore I went +to God again, as well as I could, for mercy still.<br> +<br> +181. Now also did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery, saying, +<i>That seeing I had thus parted with the Lord</i> <i>Jesus, and provoked +Him to displeasure</i>, <i>Who would have stood between my soul</i> +<i>and the flame</i> <i>of devouring fire, there was now but one way; +and</i> <i>that was</i>, to pray that God the Father would be a Mediator +betwixt His Son and me; <i>that we might be</i> <i>reconciled again, +and that I might have that blessed</i> <i>benefit in Him, that His blessed +saints enjoyed.<br> +<br> +</i>182. Then did that scripture seize upon my soul, <i>He is +of one mind, and who can turn Him</i>! Oh! I saw, it was as easy +to persuade Him to make a new world, a new covenant, or a new Bible, +besides that we have already, as to pray for such a thing. This +was to persuade Him, that what He had done already was mere folly, and +persuade Him to alter, yea, to disannul the whole way of salvation. +And then would that saying rend my soul asunder; <i>Neither is there +salvation in any</i> <i>other; for there is none other name under heaven +given</i> <i>among men whereby we must be saved</i>. Acts iv. +12.<br> +<br> +183. Now the most free, and full and gracious words of the gospel, +were the greatest torment to me; yea, nothing so afflicted me, as the +thoughts of Jesus Christ, the remembrance of a Saviour; because I had +cast Him off, brought forth the villany of my sin, and my loss by it, +to mind; nothing did twinge my conscience like this: every time that +I thought of the Lord Jesus, of His grace, love, goodness, kindness, +gentleness, meekness, death, blood, promises, and blessed exhortations, +comforts, and consolations, it went to my soul like a sword; for still +unto these my considerations of the Lord Jesus, these thoughts would +make place for themselves in my heart: <i>Aye, this is the Jesus, the +loving Saviour</i>, <i>the Son of God, Whom you have parted with, Whom +you have slighted, despised, and abused. This is the only</i> +<i>Saviour, the only Redeemer, the only One that could so love sinners, +as to wash them from their sins in His</i> <i>own most precious blood; +but you have no part nor lot in</i> <i>this Jesus: you have put Him +from you; you have said</i> <i>in your heart</i>, Let Him go, if He +will. <i>Now, therefore, you are severed from Him; you have severed</i> +<i>yourself from Him: behold then His goodness, but yourself to be no +partaker of it</i>. Oh! thought I, what have I lost, what have +I parted with! What has disinherited my poor soul! Oh! ’tis +sad to be destroyed by the grace and mercy of God; to have the Lamb, +the Saviour, turn lion and destroyer. Rev. vi. I also trembled, +as I have said, at the sight of the saints of God, especially at those +that greatly loved Him, and that made it their business to walk continually +with Him in this world; for they did, both in their words, their carriages, +and all their expressions of tenderness and fear to sin against their +precious Saviour, condemn, lay guilt upon, and also add continual affliction +and shame upon my soul. <i>The dread of them was upon me, and</i> +<i>I trembled at God’s Samuels</i>. 1 Sam. xvi. 4.<br> +<br> +184. Now also the tempter began afresh to mock my soul another +way, saying, <i>That Christ indeed</i> <i>did pity my case, and was +sorry for my loss; but forasmuch as I had sinned and transgressed as +I had done</i>, <i>He could by no means help me, nor save me from what +I</i> <i>feared: for my sin was not of the nature of theirs, for</i> +<i>Whom He bled and died; neither was it counted with those that were +laid to His charge, when He hanged on</i> <i>a tree: therefore, unless +He should come down from</i> <i>heaven, and die anew for this sin, though +indeed He did</i> <i>greatly pity me, yet I could have no benefit of +Him</i>. These things may seem ridiculous to others, even as ridiculous +as they were in themselves, but to me they were most tormenting cogitations: +every one of them augmented my misery, that Jesus Christ should have +so much love as to pity me, when yet He could not help me; nor did I +think that the reason why He could not help me, was, because His merits +were weak, or His grace and salvation spent on others already, but because +His faithfulness to His threatening, would not let Him extend His mercy +to me. Besides, I thought, as I have already hinted, that my sin +was not within the bounds of that pardon, that was wrapped up in a promise; +and if not, then I knew assuredly, that it was more easy for heaven +and earth to pass away, than for me to have eternal life. So that +the ground of all these fears of mine did arise from a steadfast belief +I had of the stability of the holy word of God, and also from my being +misinformed of the nature of my sin.<br> +<br> +185. But oh! how this would add to my affliction, to conceit that +I should be guilty of such a sin, for which He did not die. These +thoughts would so confound me, and imprison me, and tie me up from faith, +that I knew not what to do. But oh! thought I, that He would come +down again! Oh! that the work of man’s redemption was yet +to be done by Christ! how would I pray Him and entreat Him to count +and reckon this sin among the rest for which He died! But this +scripture would strike me down as dead; <i>Christ being raised from +the dead</i>, <i>dieth no more; death hath no more dominion over</i> +<i>Him</i>. Rom. vi. 9.<br> +<br> +186. Thus, by the strange and unusual assaults of the tempter, +my soul was like a broken vessel, driven as with the winds, and tossed +sometimes headlong into despair; sometimes upon the covenant of works, +and sometimes to wish that the new covenant, and the conditions thereof, +might so far forth, as I thought myself concerned, be turned another +way, and changed, <i>But in all these, I was as those that jostle against +the rocks; more broken, scattered and rent</i>. Oh! the un-thought-of +imaginations, frights, fears, and terrors, that are affected by a thorough +application of guilt yielding to desperation! <i>This is the man +that hath his dwelling among</i> <i>the tombs with the dead; that is +always crying out</i>, <i>and cutting himself with stones</i>. +Mark v. 1, 2, 3. But, I say, all in vain; desperation will not +comfort him, the old covenant will not save him: nay, heaven and earth +shall pass away, before one jot or tittle of the word and law of grace +will fail or be removed. This I saw, this I felt, and under this +I groaned; yet this advantage I got thereby, namely, a farther confirmation +of the certainty of the way of salvation; and that the scriptures were +the word of God. Oh! I cannot now express what then I saw and +felt of the steadiness of Jesus Christ, the rock of man’s salvation: +What was done, could not be undone, added to, nor altered. I saw, +indeed, that sin might drive the soul beyond Christ, even the sin which +is unpardonable; but woe to him that was so driven, for the word would +shut him out.<br> +<br> +187. Thus I was always sinking, whatever I did think or do. +So one day I walked to a neighbouring town, and sate down upon a settle +in the street, and fell into a very deep pause about the most fearful +state my sin had brought me to; and after long musing, I lifted up I +sat my head, but methought I saw, as if the sun that shineth in the +heavens did grudge to give light; and as if the very stones in the street, +and tiles upon the houses, did bend themselves against me. Methought +that they all combined together to banish me out of the world. +I was abhorred of them, and unfit to dwell among them, or be partaker +of their benefits, because I had sinned against the Saviour. O +how happy now was every creature over I was! For they stood fast, +and kept their station, but I was gone and lost.<br> +<br> +188. Then breaking out in the bitterness of my soul, I said to +myself with a grievous sigh, <i>How can God comfort such a</i> <i>wretch</i>! +I had no sooner said it, but this returned upon me, as an echo doth +answer a voice: <i>This sin is not unto death</i>. At which I +was, as if I had been raised out of the grave, and cried out again, +<i>Lord, how couldst Thou find out such a word as this</i>! For +I was filled with admiration at the fitness, and at the unexpectedness +of the sentence; the fitness of the word, the rightness of the timing +of it; the power, and sweetness, and light, and glory that came with +it also, were marvellous to me to find: I was now, for the time, out +of doubt, as to that about which I was so much in doubt before; my fears +before <i>were</i>, that my sin was not pardonable, and so that I had +no right to pray, to repent, etc., or that, if I did, it would be of +no advantage or profit to me. But now, thought I, if <i>this sin</i> +is not unto death, then it is pardonable; therefore from this I have +encouragement to come to God by Christ for mercy, to consider the promise +of forgiveness, as that which stands with open arms to receive me as +well as others. This therefore was a great easement to my mind, +to wit, that my sin was pardonable, that it was not the sin unto death +(1 John v. 16, 17). None but those that know what my trouble (by +their own experience) was, can tell what relief came to my soul by this +consideration: it was a release to me from my former bonds, and a shelter +from the former storm: I seemed now to stand upon the same ground with +other sinners, and to have as good right to the word and prayer as any +of they.<br> +<br> +189. Now I say, I was in hopes that my sin was not unpardonable, +but that there might be hopes for me to obtain forgiveness. But +oh! how Satan did now lay about him for to bring me down again! +But he could by no means do it, neither this day, nor the most part +of the next, for this good sentence stood like a mill-post at my back: +yet towards the evening of the next day, I felt this word begin to leave +me, and to withdraw its supportation from me, and so I returned to my +old fears again, but with a great deal of grudging and peevishness, +for I feared the sorrow of despair; nor could my faith now long retain +this word.<br> +<br> +190. But the next day at evening, being under many fears, I went +to seek the Lord, and as I prayed, I cried, and my soul cried to Him +in these words, with strong cries: <i>O Lord, I beseech Thee, show me</i> +<i>that Thou hast loved me with everlasting love</i>. Jer. xxxi. +3. I had no sooner said it, but with sweetness this returned upon +me, as an echo, or sounding again, <i>I have loved thee with an everlasting +love</i>. Now I went to bed in quiet; also when I awakened the +next morning, it was fresh upon my soul; and I believed it.<br> +<br> +191. But yet the tempter left me not; for it could not be so little +as an hundred times, that he that day did labour to then break my peace. +Oh! the combats and conflicts that I did then meet with; as I strove +to hold by this word, that of <i>Esau</i> would fly in my face like +lightning: I should be sometimes up and down twenty times in an hour; +yet God did bear me up, and keep my heart upon this word; from which +I had also, for several days together, very much sweetness, and comfortable +hopes of pardon: for thus it was made out unto me, <i>I loved</i> <i>thee +whilst thou wast committing this sin, I loved thee</i> <i>before, I +love thee still, and I will love thee for ever.<br> +<br> +</i>192. Yet I saw my sin most barbarous, and a filthy crime, +and could not but conclude, and that with great shame and astonishment, +that I had horribly abused the holy Son of God: wherefore I felt my +soul greatly to love and pity Him, and my bowels to yearn towards Him; +for I saw He was still my friend, and did reward me good for evil; yea, +the love and affection that then did burn within to my Lord and Saviour +Jesus Christ, did work at this time such a strong and hot desire of +revengement upon myself for the abuse I had done unto Him, that to speak +as I then thought, had I had a thousand gallons of blood within my veins, +I could freely then have spilt it all, at the command and feet of this +my Lord and Saviour.<br> +<br> +193. And as I was thus in musing, and in my studies, considering +how to love the Lord, and to express my love to Him, that saying came +in upon me, <i>If Thou, Lord, shouldst mark iniquities, O Lord</i>, +<i>who should stand</i>?<i> But there is forgiveness with</i> +<i>Thee, that Thou mayest be feared</i>. Psalm cxxx. 3, 4. +These were good words to me, especially the latter part thereof; to +wit, that there is forgiveness with the Lord, that He might be feared; +that is, as then I understood it, that He might be loved, and had in +reverence; for it was thus made out to me, <i>That the great God did +set so high an esteem upon</i> <i>the love of His poor creatures, that +rather than He</i> <i>would go without their love, He would pardon their</i> +<i>transgressions.<br> +<br> +</i>194. And now was that word fulfilled on me, and I was also +refreshed by it; <i>That thou mayest remember and be confounded, and +never open thy mouth any more, because of thy shame, when I am pacified</i> +<i>toward thee for all that thou hast done, saith the</i> <i>Lord God</i>. +Ezek. xvi. 63. Thus was my soul at this time (and as I then did +think for ever) set at liberty from being afflicted with my former guilt +and amazement.<br> +<br> +195. But before many weeks were gone, I began to despond again, +fearing, lest, notwithstanding all that I had enjoyed, that I might +be deceived and destroyed at the last; for this consideration came strong +into my mind, <i>That whatever comfort and peace I thought I</i> <i>might +have from the word of the promise of life, yet</i> <i>unless there could +be found in my refreshment, a concurrence and agreement in the scriptures, +let me think</i> <i>what I will thereof, and hold it never so fast, +I should</i> <i>find no such thing at the end; And the scripture cannot</i> +<i>be broken</i>. John x. 35.<br> +<br> +196. Now began my heart again to ache, and fear I might meet with +a disappointment at last. Wherefore I began with all seriousness +to examine my former comfort, and to consider whether one that had sinned +as I had done, might with confidence trust upon the faithfulness of +God, laid down in those words, by which I had been comforted, and on +which I had leaned myself: but now were brought those sayings to my +mind. <i>For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, +and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were</i> <i>made partakers +of the Holy Ghost, and have tasted the</i> <i>good word of God, and +the powers of the world to</i> <i>come, if they shall fall away, to +renew them again unto</i> <i>repentance</i>. Heb. vi. 4-6. +<i>For, if we sin wilfully, after we have received the knowledge of +the truth, there</i> <i>remains no more sacrifice for sin, but a certain +fearful</i> <i>looking for of judgment, and fiery indignation, which</i> +<i>shall devour the adversaries</i>. Heb. x. 26, 27. <i>As</i> +<i>Esau, who for one morsel of meat, sold his birthright</i>. +<i>For ye know how that afterward, when he would</i> <i>have inherited +the blessing, he was rejected; for he</i> <i>found no place of repentance, +though he sought it carefully with tears</i>. Heb. xii. 16, 17.<br> +<br> +197. Now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul; so that +no promise or encouragement was to be found in the Bible for me: and +now would that saying work upon my spirit to afflict me, <i>Rejoice +not, O Israel, for joy, as other people</i>. Hos. ix. 1. +For I saw indeed, there was cause of rejoicing for those that held to +Jesus; but for me, I had cut myself off by my transgressions, and left +myself neither foot-hold, or hand-hold, among all the stays and props +in the precious word of life.<br> +<br> +198. And truly, I did now feel myself to sink into a gulph, as +an house whose foundation is destroyed; I did liken myself in this condition, +unto the case of some child that was fallen into a mill-pit, who though +it could make some shift to scramble and sprawl in the water, yet because +it could find neither hold for hand nor foot, therefore at last it must +die in that condition. So soon as this fresh assault had fastened +on my soul, that scripture came into my heart, This <i>for many days</i>. +Dan. x. 14. And indeed I found it was so; for I could not be delivered, +nor brought to peace again, until well nigh two years and a half were +completely finished. Wherefore these words, though in themselves, +they tended to discouragement, yet to me, who feared this condition +would be eternal, they were at some times as an help and refreshment +to me.<br> +<br> +199. For, thought I, <i>many days</i> are not for ever, <i>many +days</i> will have an end; therefore seeing I was to be afflicted not +a few but <i>many days</i>, yet I was glad it was but <i>for many days</i>. +Thus, I say, I would recall myself sometimes, and give myself an help, +for as soon as ever the words came into my mind, at first, I knew my +trouble would be long, yet this would be but sometimes; for I could +not always think on this, nor ever be helped by it, though I did.<br> +<br> +200. Now while the scriptures lay before me, and laid sin anew +at my door, that saying, in Luke xviii. 1, with others, did encourage +me to prayer: then the tempter laid again at me very sore, suggesting, +<i>That neither the mercy of God</i>, <i>nor yet the blood of Christ, +did at all concern me, nor</i> <i>could they help me for my sin; therefore +it was but in vain to pray</i>. Yet, thought I, <i>I will pray. +But</i>, said the tempter, <i>your sin is unpardonable</i>. Well, +said I, <i>I will pray</i>. ’Tis to no boot, said he. +Yet said I, <i>I will pray</i>. So I went to prayer to God; and +while I was at prayer, I uttered words to this effect: <i>Lord, Satan +tells me, that neither Thy</i> <i>mercy, nor Christ’s blood, is +sufficient to save my soul</i>: <i>Lord, shall I honour Thee most, by +believing Thou wilt</i>, <i>and canst</i>?<i> or him, by believing Thou +neither wilt not</i> <i>nor canst</i>?<i> Lord, I would fain honour +Thee, by believing Thou wilt and canst.<br> +<br> +</i>201. And as I was thus before the Lord, that scripture fastened +on my heart (O man, great is thy faith), Matt. xv. 28, even as if one +had clapped me on the back, as I was on my knees before God: yet I was +not able to believe this, that this was a prayer of faith, till almost +six months after; for I could not think that I had faith, or that there +should be a word for me to act faith on; therefore I should still be, +as sticking in the jaws of desperation, and went mourning up and down +in a sad condition.<br> +<br> +202. There was nothing now that I longed for more than to be put +out of doubt, as to this thing in question, and as I was vehemently +desiring to know, if there was indeed hope for me, these words came +rolling into my mind, <i>Will the Lord cast off for</i> <i>ever</i>?<i> +and will He be favourable no more</i>?<i> Is His mercy clean gone +for ever</i>?<i> Doth His</i> <i>promise fail for evermore</i>?<i> +Hath God forgotten to</i> <i>be gracious</i>?<i> Hath He in anger +shut up His tender</i> <i>mercies</i>? Ps. lxxvii. 7-9. +And all the while they run in my mind, methought I had still this as +the answer, ’<i>Tis a question whether He hath or no: it</i> <i>may +be He hath not</i>. Yea, the interrogatory seemed to me to carry +in it a sure affirmation that indeed He had not, nor would so cast off, +but would be favourable: that His promise doth not fail, and that He +had not forgotten to be gracious, nor would in anger shut up tender +mercy. Something also there was upon my heart at the same time, +which I cannot now call to mind, which, with this text, did sweeten +my heart, and make me conclude, that His mercy might not be quite gone, +nor clean gone for ever.<br> +<br> +203. At another time I remembered, I was again much under this +question, <i>Whether</i> <i>the blood of Christ was sufficient to save +my soul</i>? in which doubt I continued from morning, till about seven +or eight at night: and at last, when I was, as it were, quite worn out +with fear, lest it should not lay hold on me, these words did sound +suddenly within my heart: <i>He is able</i>. But methought, this +word <i>able</i>, was spoke loud unto me; it showed a <i>great word</i>, +it seemed to be writ in <i>great letters</i>, and gave such a jostle +to my fear and doubt (I mean for the time it tarried with me, which +was about a day) as I never had from that, all my life, either before +or after. Heb. vii. 25.<br> +<br> +204. But one morning as I was again at prayer, and trembling under +the fear of this, <i>That no word of God could help me</i>, that piece +of a sentence darted in upon me, <i>My grace is sufficient</i>. +At this, methought I felt some stay, as if there might be hopes. +But, oh! how good a thing it is for God to send His word! for, about +a fortnight before, I was looking on this very place, and then I thought +it could not come near my soul with comfort, therefore I threw down +my book in a pet: then I thought it was not large enough for me; no, +not large enough; but now it was as if it had arms of grace so wide, +that it could not only enclose me, but many more such as I besides.<br> +<br> +205. By these words I was sustained, yet not without exceeding +conflicts, for the space of seven or eight weeks; for my peace would +be in it, and out, sometimes twenty times a day; comfort now, and trouble +presently; peace now, and before I could go a furlong, as full of fear +and guilt as ever heart could hold. And this was not only now +and then, but my whole seven weeks’ experience: for this about +<i>the sufficiency of grace</i>, and <i>that</i> of <i>Esau’s</i> +parting with his birthright, would be like a pair of scales within my +mind; sometimes one end would be uppermost, and sometimes again the +other; according to which would be my peace or trouble.<br> +<br> +206. Therefore I did still pray to God, that He would come in +with this scripture more fully on my heart; to wit, that He would help +me to apply the whole sentence, for as yet I could not: that He gave, +that I gathered; but farther I could not go, for as yet it only helped +me to hope there might be mercy for me; <i>My</i> <i>grace is sufficient</i>: +And though it came no farther, it answered my former question, to wit, +That there was hope; yet because <i>for thee</i> was left out, I was +not contented, but prayed to God for that also. Wherefore, one +day, when I was in a meeting of God’s people, full of sadness +and terror; for my fears again were strong upon me; and, as I was now +thinking, my soul was never the better, but my case most sad and fearful, +these words did with great power suddenly break in upon me; <i>My grace +is</i> <i>sufficient for thee, My grace is sufficient for thee, My</i> +<i>grace is sufficient for thee</i>, three times together: And oh! methought +that every word was a mighty word unto me; as <i>My</i>, and<i> grace</i>, +and <i>sufficient</i>, and <i>for thee</i>; they were then, and sometimes +are still, far bigger than others be.<br> +<br> +207. At which time my understanding was so enlightened, that I +was as though I had seen the Lord Jesus look down from heaven, through +the tiles upon me, and direct these words unto me. This sent me +mourning home; it broke my heart, and filled me full of joy, and laid +me low as the dust; only it stayed not long with me, I mean in this +glory and refreshing comfort; yet it continued with me for several weeks, +and did encourage me to hope: but as soon as that powerful operation +of it was taken from my heart, that other, about <i>Esau</i>, returned +upon me as before: so my soul did hang as in a pair of scales again, +sometimes up, and sometimes down; now in peace, and anon again in terror.<br> +<br> +208. Thus I went on for many weeks, sometimes comforted, and sometimes +tormented; and especially at sometimes my torment would be very sore, +for all those scriptures forenamed in the <i>Hebrews</i>, would be set +before me, as the only sentences that would keep me out of heaven. +Then again I would begin to repent that ever that thought went through +me; I would also think thus with myself: <i>Why, how</i> <i>many scriptures +are there against me</i>?<i> There are but</i> <i>three or four; +And cannot God miss them, and save</i> <i>me for all them</i>? +Sometimes again I would think, <i>Oh! if it were not for these three +or four words, now how might I be comforted</i>! And I could hardly +forbear at some times, to wish them out of the book.<br> +<br> +209. Then methought I should see as if both <i>Peter</i> and<i> +Paul</i>, and <i>John</i>, and all the writers, did look with scorn +upon me, and hold me in derision; and as if they had said unto me, <i>All +our words are truth, one of as much force as another: it is</i> <i>not +we that have cut you of, but you have cast away</i> <i>yourself. +There is none of our sentences that you must</i> <i>take hold upon, +but these and such as these; it is impossible</i>, Heb. vi.;<i> there +remains no more sacrifice for</i> <i>sin</i>, Heb. x. <i>And it +had been better for them not to</i> <i>have known the will of God, than +after they had</i> <i>known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered</i> +<i>unto them</i>, 2 Peter ii. 21. <i>For the Scriptures cannot +be broken</i>. John x. 35.<br> +<br> +210. These, as the elders of the city of refuge, I saw, were to +be judges both of my case and me, while I stood with the <i>avenger</i> +of blood at my heels, trembling at their gate for deliverance; also +with a thousand fears and mistrusts, I doubted that they would shut +me out for ever. Joshua xx. 3. 4.<br> +<br> +211. Thus I was confounded, not knowing what to do, or how to +be satisfied in this question, <i>Whether the scriptures could agree +in the salvation of my soul</i>? I quaked at the apostles; I knew +their words were true, and that they must stand for ever.<br> +<br> +212. And I remember one day, as I was in divers frames of spirit, +and considering that these frames were according to the nature of several +scriptures that came in upon my mind; if this of grace, then was I quiet; +but of that of <i>Esau</i>, then tormented. Lord, thought I, <i>if +both</i> <i>these scriptures should meet in my heart at once, I wonder</i> +<i>which of them would get the better of me</i>. So methought +I had a longing mind that they might come both together upon me; yea, +I desired of God they might.<br> +<br> +213. Well, about two or three days after, so they did indeed; +they bolted both upon me at a time, and did work and struggle strangely +in me for a while; at last that about <i>Esau’s</i> birthright +began to wax weak, and withdraw, and vanish; and this, about the sufficiency +of grace prevailed with peace and joy. And as I was in a muse +about this thing, that scripture came in upon me, <i>Mercy rejoiceth</i> +<i>against judgment</i>. James ii. 13.<br> +<br> +214. This was a wonderment to me; yet truly, I am apt to think +it was of God; for the word of the law and wrath, must give place to +the word of life and grace; because, though the word of condemnation +be glorious, yet the word of life and salvation doth far exceed in glory. +2 Cor. iii. 8-11. <i>Mark</i> ix. 5-7. <i>John</i> vi. 37. +Also that <i>Moses</i> and <i>Elias</i> must both vanish, and leave +Christ and His saints alone.<br> +<br> +215. This scripture also did now most sweetly visit my soul; <i>And +him that cometh</i> <i>to Me, I will in no wise cast out</i>. +Oh! the comfort that I had from this word, <i>in no wise</i>! +As who should say, <i>By no</i> <i>means, for nothing whatever he hath +done</i>. But Satan would greatly labour to pull this promise +from me, telling of me, <i>That Christ did not mean me and</i> <i>such +as I, but sinners of a lower rank, that had not</i> <i>done as I had +done</i>. But I would answer him again, <i>Satan, here is in these +words no such exception; but him that comes, him, any him: him that +cometh to Me</i> <i>I will</i> <i>in no wise cast out</i>. And +this I well remember still, that of all the slights that Satan used +to take this scripture from me, yet he never did so much as put this +question, <i>But do you come aright</i>? And I have thought the +reason was, because he thought I knew full well what coming aright was; +for I saw that to come aright, was to come as I was, a vile and ungodly +sinner, and to cast myself at the feet of mercy, condemning myself for +sin. If ever Satan and I did strive for any word of God in all +my life, it was for this good word of Christ; he at one end, and I at +the other: Oh! what work did we make! It was for this in <i>John</i>, +I say, that we did so tug and strive, he pulled, and I pulled; but God +be praised, I got the better of him; I got some sweetness from it.<br> +<br> +216. But notwithstanding all these helps, and blessed words of +grace, yet that of <i>Esau’s</i> selling of his birthright, would +still at times distress my conscience: for though I had been most sweetly +comforted, and that but just before, yet when that came into my mind, +’twould make me fear again: I could not be quite rid thereof, +’twould every day be with me: wherefore now I went another way +to work, even to consider the nature of this blasphemous thought, I +mean, if I should take the words at the largest, and give them their +own natural force and scope, even every word therein: so when I had +thus considered, I found, that if they were fairly taken, they would +amount to this; <i>That I had freely left the Lord</i> <i>Jesus Christ +to His choice, whether He would be my</i> <i>Saviour or no</i>; for +the wicked words were these, <i>Let Him go, if He will</i>. Then +that scripture gave me hope, <i>I will never leave thee, nor forsake +thee</i>. Heb. xiii. 5. <i>‘</i>O Lord,’ said +I, <i>but I have left Thee</i>. Then it answered again, <i>But +I will not leave thee</i>. For this I thanked God also.<br> +<br> +217. Yet I was grievous afraid He should, and found it exceeding +hard to trust Him, seeing I had so offended Him: I could have been exceeding +glad that this thought had never befallen; for then I thought I could +with more ease and freedom in abundance, have leaned on His grace. +I saw it was with me, as it was with <i>Joseph’s</i> brethren; +the guilt of their own wickedness did often fill them with fears that +their brother would at last despise them. Gen. l. 15, 16, etc.<br> +<br> +218. Yet above all the scriptures that I yet did meet with that +in <i>Joshua</i> xx. was the greatest comfort to me, which speaks of +the slayer that was to flee for refuge<i>: And if the avenger of blood +pursue the slayer</i>, then saith <i>Moses, they that are the elders +of the city of</i> <i>refuge shall</i> <i>not deliver him into his hands, +because he</i> <i>smote his neighbour unwittingly and hated him not</i> +<i>aforetime</i>. Oh! blessed be God for this word: I was convinced +that I was the slayer; and that the avenger of blood pursued me, I felt +with great terror; only now it remained that I inquire whether I have +right to enter the city of refuge: so I found, that he must not, <i>who +lay in wait to shed blood</i>: It was not the wilful <i>murderer</i>, +but he who <i>unwittingly</i> did it, he who did it unawares; not out +of spite, or grudge, or malice, he that shed it unwittingly: even he +who did not <i>hate his neighbour before</i>. Wherefore,<br> +<br> +219. I thought verily I was the man that must enter, because I +had smitten my neighbour <i>unwittingly, and hated Him not aforetime</i>. +I hated Him not aforetime; no, I prayed unto Him, was tender of sinning +against Him; yea, and against this wicked temptation I had strove for +a twelvemonth before; yea, and also when it did pass through my heart, +it did in spite of my teeth: wherefore I thought I had a right to enter +this city, and the elders, which are the <i>apostles</i>, were not to +deliver me up. This therefore was great comfort to me, and gave +me much ground of hope.<br> +<br> +220. Yet being very critical, for my smart had made me that I +knew not what ground was sure enough to bear me, I had one question +that my soul did much desire to be resolved about; and that was, <i>Whether +it be possible for any soul that hath sinned the unpardonable sin, yet +after that to receive</i>, <i>though but the least, true spiritual comfort +from</i> <i>God though Christ</i>? The which after I had much +considered, I found the answer was, No, they could not; and that for +these reasons:-<br> +<br> +221. <i>First</i>, Because those that have sinned that sin, they +are debarred a share in the blood of Christ; and being shut out of that, +they must needs be void of the least ground of hope, and so of spiritual +comfort; <i>For to such there remains no more sacrifice</i> <i>for sin</i>. +Heb. x. 26, 27. <i>Secondly</i>, Because they are denied a share +in the promise of life: <i>It shall never</i> <i>be forgiven him neither +in this world, neither in the</i> <i>world to come</i>. Matt. +xii. 32. <i>Thirdly</i>, The Son of God excludes them also from +a share in His blessed intercession, being for ever ashamed to own them, +both before His holy Father, and the blessed angels in heaven. +Mark viii.<br> +<br> +222. When I had with much deliberation considered of this matter, +and could not but conclude that the Lord had comforted me, and that +too after this my wicked sin: then methought I durst venture to come +nigh unto those most fearful and terrible scriptures, with which all +this while I had been so greatly affrighted, and on which indeed, before +I durst scarce cast mine eye (yea, had much ado an hundred times, to +forbear wishing them out of the Bible), for I thought they would destroy +me; but now, I say, I began to take some measure of encouragement, to +come close to them to read them, and consider them, and to weigh their +scope and tendency.<br> +<br> +223. The which when I began to do, I found their visage changed: +for they looked not so grimly, as before I thought they did: and first +I came to the sixth of the<i> Hebrews</i>, yet trembling for fear it +should strike me; which when I had considered, I found that the falling +there intended, was a falling <i>quite away</i>; that is as I conceived, +a falling from and absolute denying of the gospel, of remission of sins +by Jesus Christ; for, from them the apostle begins his argument, verses +1, 2, 3, 4. <i>Secondly</i>, I found that this falling away, must +be openly, even in the view of the world, even so as <i>to put Christ +to an open shame</i>. <i>Thirdly</i>, I found those he there intended, +were for ever shut up of God, both in blindness, hardness, and impenitency: +<i>It is impossible they should be renewed again unto repentance</i>. +By all these particulars, I found to God’s everlasting praise, +my sin was not the sin in this place intended.<br> +<br> +<i>First</i>, I confessed I was fallen, but not fallen away; that is, +from the profession of faith in Jesus unto eternal life.<br> +<br> +<i>Secondly</i>, I confessed that I had put Jesus Christ to <i>shame</i> +by my sin, but not to open <i>shame</i>; I did not deny Him before men, +nor condemn Him as a fruitless One before the world.<br> +<br> +<i>Thirdly</i>, Nor did I find that God had shut me up, or denied me +to come (though I found it hard work indeed to come) to Him by sorrow +and repentance: blessed be God for unsearchable grace!<br> +<br> +224. Then I considered that in the 10th chapter of the <i>Hebrews</i>, +and found that the <i>wilful sin</i> there mentioned, is not every wilful +sin, but that which doth throw off Christ, and then His commandments +too. <i>Secondly</i>, That must be done also openly, before two +or three witnesses, to answer that of the law, <i>verse</i> 28. +<i>Thirdly</i>, This sin cannot be committed, but with great despite +done to the Spirit of Grace; despising both the dissuasions from that +sin, and the persuasions to the contrary. But the Lord knows, +though this my sin was devilish, yet it did not amount to these.<br> +<br> +225. And as touching that in the 12th of the <i>Hebrews</i>, about +<i>Esau’s</i> selling of his birthright; though this was that +which killed me, and stood like a spear against me, yet now I did consider, +<i>First</i>, that his was not a hasty thought against the continual +labour of his mind, but a thought consented to, and put in practice +likewise, and that after some deliberation, Gen. xxv. <i>Secondly</i>, +It was a public and open action, even before his brother, if not before +many more; this made his sin of a far more heinous nature than otherwise +it would have been. <i>Thirdly</i>, He continued to slight his +birthright: <i>He did eat</i> <i>and drink, and went his way</i>: thus +Esau <i>despised his birthright</i>, yea, twenty years after he was +found to despise it still. And Esau said, <i>I have enough, my +brother, keep that thou hast unto</i> <i>thyself</i>. Gen. xxxiii. +9.<br> +<br> +226. Now as touching this, <i>that</i> Esau <i>sought a place +of repentance</i>; thus I thought: <i>First</i>, This was not for the +<i>birthright</i>, but <i>the blessing</i>: this is clear from the apostle, +and is distinguished by Esau himself; <i>He took away my</i> <i>birthright</i> +(that is, formerly); <i>and</i> <i>behold now he hath taken away my +blessing</i>. Gen. xxvii. 36. <i>Secondly</i>, Now, this +being thus considered, I came again to the apostle, to see what might +be the mind of God, in a New-Testament style and sense concerning <i>Esau’s</i> +sin; and so far as I could conceive, this was the mind of God, <i>that +the birthright</i> signified<i> regeneration</i>, and the <i>blessing</i>, +the <i>eternal</i> <i>inheritance</i>; for so the apostle seems to hint. +<i>Lest</i> <i>there be any profane person, as</i> Esau, <i>who for +one</i> <i>morsel of meat sold his birthright</i>; as if he should say, +That shall cast off all those blessed beginnings of God, that at present +are upon him, in order to a new-birth; lest they become as <i>Esau</i>, +even be rejected <i>afterwards</i>, when they would inherit the blessing.<br> +<br> +227. For many there are, who, in the day of grace and mercy, despise +those things which are indeed the birthright to heaven, who yet when +the deciding day appears, will cry as lord as <i>Esau</i>, <i>Lord, +Lord, open to us</i>; but then, as <i>Isaac</i> would not repent, no +more will God the Father, but will say, <i>I have blessed these, yea</i>, +and <i>they shall be</i> <i>blessed</i>; but as for you, <i>Depart, +you are the</i> <i>workers of iniquity</i>. Gen. xxvii. 32; Luke +xiii. 25-27.<br> +<br> +228. When I had thus considered these scriptures, and found that +thus to understand them, was not against, but according to other scriptures; +this still added further to my encouragement and comfort, and also gave +a great blow to that objection, to wit, <i>That</i> <i>the scriptures +could not agree in the salvation of my</i> <i>soul</i>. And now +remained only the hinder part of the tempest, for the thunder was gone +beyond me, only some drops did still remain, that now and then would +fall upon me; but because my former frights and anguish were very sore +and deep, therefore it oft befall me still, as it befalleth those that +have been scared with fire. I thought every voice was, <i>Fire</i>! +<i>fire</i>! Every little touch would hurt my tender conscience.<br> +<br> +229. But one day, as I was passing in the field, and that too +with some dashes on my conscience, fearing lest yet all was not right, +suddenly this sentence fell upon my soul, <i>Thy righteousness is in +heaven</i>; and methought withal, I saw with the eyes of my soul, Jesus +Christ at God’s right hand: there, I say, was my righteousness; +so that wherever I was, or whatever I was doing, God could not say of +me, <i>He wants My righteousness</i>; for that was just before Him. +I also saw moreover, that it was not my good frame of heart that made +my righteousness better, nor yet my bad frame that made my righteousness +worse; for my righteousness was Jesus Christ Himself, <i>The same yesterday</i>, +<i>to-day, and for ever</i>. Heb. xiii. 8.<br> +<br> +230. Now did my chains fall off my legs indeed; I was loosed from +my afflictions and irons; my temptations also fled away; so that from +that time those dreadful scriptures of God left off to trouble me: now +went I also home rejoicing, for the grace and love of God; so when I +came home, I looked to see if I could find that sentence; <i>Thy righteousness +is in heaven</i>, but could not find such a saying; wherefore my heart +began to sink again, only that was brought to my remembrance, 1 Cor. +i. 30, <i>Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, +and sanctification, and redemption</i>; by this word I saw the other +sentence true.<br> +<br> +231. For by this scripture I saw that the Man Christ Jesus, as +He is distinct from us, as touching His bodily presence, so He is our +righteousness and sanctification before God. Here therefore I +lived, for some time, very sweetly at peace with God through Christ; +Oh! methought, Christ! Christ! there was nothing but Christ that was +before my eyes: I was not now (only) for looking upon this and the other +benefits of Christ apart, as of His blood, burial, or resurrection, +but considering Him as a whole Christ! as He in whom all these, and +all His other virtues, relations, offices and operations met together, +and that He sat on the right hand of God in heaven.<br> +<br> +232. ’Twas glorious to me to see His exaltation, and the +worth and prevalency of all His benefits, and that because now I could +look from myself to Him and should reckon, that all those graces of +God that now were green on me, were yet but like those cracked groats +and fourpence-halfpennies that rich men carry in their purses, when +their gold is in their trunks at home: Oh! I saw my gold was in my trunk +at home! In Christ my Lord and Saviour. Now Christ was all; +all my wisdom, all my righteousness, all my sanctification, and all +my redemption.<br> +<br> +233. Further, the Lord did also lead me into the mystery of union +with the Son of God; that I was joined to Him, that I was flesh of His +flesh, and bone of His bone; and now was that word sweet to me in Eph. +v. 30. By this also was my faith in Him, as my righteousness, +the more confirmed in me; for if He and I were one, then His righteousness +was mine, His merits mine, His victory also mine. Now could I +see myself in heaven and earth at once: in heaven by my Christ, by my +head, by my righteousness and life, though on earth by my body or person.<br> +<br> +234. Now I saw Christ Jesus was looked upon of God; and should +also be looked upon by us, as that common or public person, in whom +all the whole body of His elect are always to be considered and reckoned; +that we fulfilled the law by Him, died by Him, rose from the dead by +Him, got the victory over sin, death, the devil, and hell, by Him; when +He died, we died, and so of His resurrection. <i>Thy dead men +shall live, together with My dead body shall they arise</i>, saith He. +Isa. xxvi. 19. And again, <i>after</i> <i>two days He will revive +us, and the third day He will</i> <i>raise us up, and we shall live +in His sight</i>. Hosea vi. 2. Which is now fulfilled by +the sitting down of the Son of Man on the right hand of the Majesty +in the heavens; according to that to the <i>Ephesians, And hath raised +us up together, and made us sit together in</i> <i>heavenly places in +Christ Jesus</i>. Eph. ii. 6.<br> +<br> +235. Ah! these blessed considerations and scriptures, with many +others of like nature, were in those days made to spangle in mine eyes; +so that I have cause to say, <i>Praise ye the Lord. Praise God +in His sanctuary</i>, <i>praise Him in the firmament of His power; praise</i> +<i>Him for His mighty acts: praise Him according to His</i> <i>excellent +greatness</i>. Psalm cl. 1, 2.<br> +<br> +236. Having thus in a few words given you a taste of the sorrow +and affliction that my soul went under, by the guilt and terror that +this my wicked thought did lay me under; and having given you also a +touch of my deliverance therefrom, and of the sweet and blessed comfort +that I met with afterwards, which comfort dwelt about a twelvemonth +with my heart, to my unspeakable admiration: I will now (God willing), +before I proceed any farther, give you in a word or two, what, as I +conceive, was the cause of this temptation; and also after that, what +advantage, at the last, it became unto my soul.<br> +<br> +237. For the causes, I conceived they were principally two: of +which two also I was deeply convinced all the time this trouble lay +upon me. The first was, for that I did not, when I was delivered +from the temptation that went before, still pray to God to to keep me +from the temptations that were to come; for though, as I can say in +truth, my soul was much in prayer before this trial seized me, yet then +I prayed only, or at the most principally, for the removal of present +troubles, and for fresh discoveries of His love in Christ, which I saw +afterwards was not enough to do; I also should have prayed that the +great God would keep me from the evil that was to come.<br> +<br> +238. Of this I was made deeply sensible by the prayer of holy +<i>David</i>, who when he was under present mercy, yet prayed that God +would hold him back from sin and temptation to come; <i>Then</i>, saith +he, <i>shall I be upright, and I shall be innocent</i> <i>from the great +transgression</i>. Psalm xix. 13. By this very word was +I galled and condemned quite through this long temptation.<br> +<br> +239. That was also another word that did much condemn me for my +folly, in the neglect of this duty. Heb. iv. 16: <i>Let us therefore +come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and +find grace to help in time of need</i>. This I had not done, and +therefore was thus suffered to sin and fall, according to what is written, +<i>Pray that ye enter not into temptation</i>. And truly this +very thing is to this day of such weight and awe upon me, that I dare +not, when I come before the Lord, go of my knees, until I intreat Him +for help and mercy against the temptations that are to come; and I do +beseech thee, reader, that thou learn to beware of my negligence, by +the afflictions, that for this thing I did for days, and months, and +years, with sorrow undergo.<br> +<br> +240. Another cause of this temptation was, that I had tempted +God; and on this manner did I do it: Upon a time my wife was great with +child, and before her full time was come, her pangs, as of a woman in +travail, were fierce and strong upon her, even as if she would have +fallen immediately in labour, and been delivered of an untimely birth: +now at this very time it was, that I had been so strongly tempted to +question the being of God; wherefore, as my wife lay crying by me, I +said, but with all secrecy imaginable, even thinking in my heart, <i>Lord, +if Thou wilt now</i> <i>remove this sad affliction from my wife, and +cause that she be troubled no more therewith this night</i> (and now +were her pangs just upon her), <i>then I shall know that Thou canst +discern the most secret thoughts of the heart</i>.<br> +<br> +241. I had no sooner said it in my heart, but her pangs were taken +from her, and she was cast into a deep sleep, and so continued till +morning; at this I greatly marvelled, not knowing what to think; but +after I had been awake a good while, and heard her cry no more, I fell +asleep also; so when I awaked in the morning, it came upon me again, +even what I had said in my heart the last night, and how the Lord had +showed me, that He knew my secret thoughts, which was a great astonishment +unto me for several weeks after.<br> +<br> +242. Well, about a year and a half afterwards, that wicked sinful +thought, of which I have spoken before, went through my wicked heart, +even this thought, <i>Let Christ go, if He will</i>: so when I was fallen +under the guilt for this, the remembrance of my other thought, and of +the effect thereof, would also come upon me with this retort, which +also carried rebuke along with it, <i>Now</i> <i>you may see that God +doth know the most secret thoughts</i> <i>of the heart.<br> +<br> +</i>243. And with this, that of the passages that were betwixt +the Lord, and His servant <i>Gideon</i>, fell upon my spirit; how because +that <i>Gideon</i> tempted God with his fleece, both wet and dry, when +he should have believed and ventured upon His word; therefore the Lord +did afterwards so try him, as to send him against an innumerable company +of enemies, and that too, as to outward appearance, without any strength +or help. Judges vi. 7. Thus He served me, and that justly, +for I should have believed His word, and not have put an <i>if</i> upon +the all-seeingness of God.<br> +<br> +244. And now to show you something of the advantages that I also +have gained by this temptation: and first, by this I was made continually +to possess in my soul a very wonderful sense both of the blessing and +glory of God, and of His beloved Son; in the temptation that went before, +my soul was perplexed with unbelief, blasphemy, hardness of heart, questions +about the being of God, Christ, the truth of the word, and certainty +of the world to come: I say, then I was greatly assaulted and tormented +with atheism, but now the case was otherwise; now was God and Christ +continually before my face, though not in a way of comfort, but in a +way of exceeding dread and terror. The glory of the holiness of +God, did at this time break me to pieces; and the bowels and compassion +of Christ did break me as on the wheel; for I could not consider Him +but as a lost and rejected Christ, the remembrance of which, was as +the continual breaking of my bones.<br> +<br> +245. The scriptures also were wonderful things unto me; I saw +that the truth and verity of them were the keys of the kingdom of heaven; +<i>those</i> that the scriptures favour, <i>they</i> must inherit bliss; +but <i>those</i> that they oppose and condemn, <i>must</i> perish for +evermore: Oh! this word, <i>For the scriptures cannot</i> <i>be broken</i>, +would rend the caul of my heart: and so would that other, <i>Whose sins</i> +<i>ye remit, they are remitted; but whose sins ye retain</i>, <i>they +are retained</i>. Now I saw the apostles to be the elders of the +city of refuge. Joshua xx. 4. Those that they were to receive +in, were received to life; but those that they shut out, were to be +slain by the avenger of blood.<br> +<br> +246. Oh! one sentence of the scripture did more afflict and terrify +my mind, I mean those sentences that stood against me (as sometimes +I thought they every one did) more, I say, than an army of forty thousand +men that might have come against me. Woe be to him against whom +the scriptures bend themselves!<br> +<br> +247. By this temptation I was made to see more into the nature +of the promises than ever I was before; for I lying now trembling under +the mighty hand of God, continually torn and rent by the thundering +of His justice: this made me with careful heart, and watchful eye, with +great fearfulness to turn over every leaf, and with much diligence, +mixed with trembling, to consider every sentence, together with its +natural force and latitude.<br> +<br> +248. By this temptation also I was greatly holden off from my +former foolish practice of putting by the word of promise when saw it +came into my mind; for now, though I could not suck that comfort and +sweetness from the promise, as I had done at other times; yet, like +to a man sinking, I would catch at all I saw: formerly I thought I might +not meddle with the promise, unless I felt its comfort, but now ’twas +no time thus to do; the avenger of blood too hardly did pursue me.<br> +<br> +249. Now therefore I was glad to catch at <i>that</i> word which +yet I feared I had no ground or right to own; and even to leap into +the bosom of that promise that yet I feared did shut its heart against +me. Now also I should labour to take the word as God hath laid +it down, without restraining the natural force of one syllable thereof: +O! what did I now see in that blessed sixth of John: <i>And him</i> +<i>that cometh to me, I will</i> <i>in no wise cast out</i>. John +vi. 37. Now I began to consider with myself, that God hath a bigger +mouth to speak with, than I had a heart to conceive with; I thought +also with myself, that He spake not His words in haste, or in an unadvised +heat, but with infinite wisdom and judgment, and in very truth and faithfulness. +2 Sam. iii. 28.<br> +<br> +250. I should in these days, often in my greatest agonies, even +flounce towards the promise (as the horses do towards sound ground, +that yet stick in the mire); concluding (though as one almost bereft +of his wits through fear) on this I will rest and stay, and leave the +fulfilling of it to the God of heaven that made it. Oh! many a +pull hath my heart had with Satan, for that blessed sixth of John: I +did not now, as at other times, look principally for comfort (though, +O how welcome would it have been unto me!). But now a word, a +word to lean a weary soul upon, that it might not sink for ever! ’twas +that I hunted for.<br> +<br> +251. Yea, often when I have been making to the promise, I have +seen as if the Lord would refuse my soul for ever; I was often as if +I had run upon the pikes, and as if the Lord had thrust at me, to keep +me from Him, as with a flaming sword. Then I should think of <i>Esther</i>, +who went to petition the king contrary to the law. Esther iv. +16. I thought also of Benhadad’s servants, who went with +ropes upon their heads to their enemies for mercy. 1 Kings xx. +31, etc. The woman of Canaan also, that would not be daunted, +though called dog by Christ, Matt. xv., 22, etc., and the man that went +to borrow bread at midnight, Luke xi. 5-8, etc., were great encouragements +unto me.<br> +<br> +252. I never saw those heights and depths in grace, and love, +and mercy, as I saw after this temptation; great sins to draw out great +grace; and where guilt is most terrible and fierce, there the mercy +of God in Christ, when showed to the soul, appears most high and mighty. +When <i>Job</i> had passed through his captivity, <i>he had twice as +much as he had before</i>. Job xlii. 10. Blessed be God +for Jesus Christ our Lord. Many other things I might here make +observation of, but I would be brief, and therefore shall at this time +omit them; and do pray God that my harms may make others fear to offend, +lest they also be made to bear the iron yoke as I did.<br> +<br> +I had two or three times, at or about my deliverance from this temptation, +such strange apprehensions of the grace of God, that I could hardly +bear up under it: it was so out of measure amazing, when I thought it +could reach me, that I do think if that sense of it had abode long upon +me, it would have made me incapable for business.<br> +<br> +253. Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of other of +the Lord’s dealings with me at sundry other seasons, and of the +temptations I then did meet withal. I shall begin with what I +met with when first I did join in fellowship with the people of God +in <i>Bedford</i>. After I had propounded to the church, that +my desire was to walk in the order and ordinances of Christ with them, +and was also admitted by them: while I thought of that blessed ordinance +of Christ, which was His last supper with His disciples before His death, +that scripture, <i>Do this in remembrance of Me</i>, Luke xxii. 19, +was made a very precious word unto me; for by it the Lord did come down +upon my conscience with the discovery of His death for my sins; and +as I then felt, did as if He plunged me in the virtue of the same. +But behold, I had not been long a partaker at that ordinance, but such +fierce and sad temptations did attend me at all times therein, both +to blaspheme the ordinance, and to wish some deadly thing to those that +then did eat thereof: that lest I should at any time be guilty of consenting +to these wicked and fearful thoughts, I was forced to bend myself all +the while, to pray to God to keep me from such blasphemies: and also +to cry to God to bless the bread and cup to them, as it went from mouth +to mouth. The reason of this temptation, I have thought since, +was, because I did not with that reverence that became me at first, +approach to partake thereof.<br> +<br> +254. Thus I continued for three quarters of a year, and could +never have rest nor ease: but at the last the Lord came in upon my soul +with that same scripture, by which my soul was visited before: and after +that, I have been usually very well and comfortable in the partaking +of that blessed ordinance; and have, I trust, therein discerned the +Lord’s body, as broken for my sins, and that His precious blood +hath been shed for my transgressions.<br> +<br> +255. Upon a time I was something inclining to a consumption, wherewith +about the spring I was suddenly and violently seized, with much weakness +in my outward man; insomuch that I thought I could not live. Now +began I afresh to give myself up to a serious examination after my state +and condition for the future, and of my evidences for that blessed world +to come: for it hath, I bless the name of God, been my usual course, +as always, so especially in the day of affliction, to endeavour to keep +my interest in the life to come, clear before mine eyes.<br> +<br> +256. But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former experience +of the goodness of God to my soul, but there came flocking into my mind +an innumerable company of my sins and transgressions; amongst which +these were at this time most to my affliction; namely, my deadness, +dulness, and coldness in holy duties; my wanderings of heart, of my +wearisomeness in all good things, my want of love to God, His ways and +people, with this at the end of all, <i>Are these the fruits of Christianity</i>? +<i>Are these tokens of a blessed man</i>?<br> +<br> +257. At the apprehensions of these things my sickness was doubled +upon me; for now I was sick in my inward man, my soul was clogged with +guilt; now also was my former experience of God’s goodness to +me, quite taken out of my mind, and hid as if they had never been, or +seen: now was my soul greatly pinched between these two considerations, +<i>Live I must not, die I</i> <i>dare not</i>. Now I sunk and +fell in my spirit, and was giving up all for lost; but as I was walking +up and down in the house as a man in a most woeful state, that word +of God took hold of my heart, <i>Ye are justified freely by His</i> +<i>grace, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus</i>. +Rom. iii. 24. But oh! what a turn it made upon me!<br> +<br> +258. Now was I as one awaked out of some troublesome sleep and +dream; and listening to this heavenly sentence, I was as if I had heard +it thus expounded to me: <i>Sinner, thou thinkest, that because thy +sins and infirmities, I cannot save thy soul; but behold My Son is by +me, and upon Him I look, and not on thee, and shall deal with thee according +as I am pleased with Him</i>. At this I was greatly lightened +in my mind, and made to understand, that God could justify a sinner +at any time; it was but His looking upon Christ, and imputing His benefits +to us, and the work was forthwith done.<br> +<br> +259. And as I was thus in a muse, that scripture also came with +great power upon my spirit, <i>Not by works of righteousness that we +have done, but according to His mercy He hath saved us, etc</i>. +2 Tim. i. 9; Tit. iii. 5. Now was I got on high, I saw myself +within the arms of grace and mercy; and though I was before afraid to +think of a dying hour, yet, now I cried, <i>Let me die</i>: Now death +was lovely and beautiful in my sight, for I saw <i>We</i> <i>shall never +live indeed, till we be gone to the other</i> <i>world</i>. Oh! +methought this life is but a slumber, in comparison with that above. +At this time also I saw more in these words, <i>Heirs of God</i>, Rom. +viii. 17, than ever I shall be able to express while I live in this +world: <i>Heirs of God</i>! God Himself is the portion of the +saints. This I saw and wondered at, but cannot tell you what I +saw.<br> +<br> +260. Again, as I was at another time very ill and weak, all that +time also the tempter did beset me strongly (for I find he is much for +assaulting the soul; when it begins to approach towards the grave, then +is his opportunity), labouring to hide from me my former experience +of God’s goodness: also setting before me the terrors of death, +and the judgment of God, insomuch that at this time, through my fear +of miscarrying for ever (should I now die), I was as one dead before +death came, and was as if I had felt myself already descending into +the pit; methought I said, There were no way, but to hell I must: but +behold, just as I was in the midst of those fears, these words of the +angel’s carrying <i>Lazarus</i> into<i> Abraham’s</i> bosom +darted in upon me, as who should say, <i>So it shall</i> <i>be with +thee when thou dost leave this world</i>. This did sweetly revive +my spirit, and help me to hope in God; which when I had with comfort +mused on a while, that word fell with great weight upon my mind, <i>O +death, where is thy sting</i>?<i> O grave, where is thy victory</i>? +1 Cor. xv. 55. At this I became both well in body and mind at +once, for my sickness did presently vanish, and I walked comfortably +in my work for God again.<br> +<br> +261. At another time, though just before I was pretty well and +savoury in my spirit, yet suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud +of darkness, which did so hide from me the things of God and Christ, +that I was as if I had never seen or known them in my life: I was also +so over-run in my soul with a senseless heartless frame of spirit, that +I could not feel my soul to move or stir after <i>grace</i> and <i>life</i> +by <i>Christ</i>; I was as if my loins were broken, or as if my hands +and feet had been tied or bound with chains. At this time also +I felt some weakness to seize upon my outward man, which made still +the other affliction the more heavy and uncomfortable to me.<br> +<br> +262. After I had been in this condition some three or four days, +as I was sitting by the fire, I suddenly felt this word to sound in +my heart, <i>I must go to Jesus</i>. At this my former darkness +and atheism fled away, and the blessed things of heaven were set in +my view. While I was on this sudden thus overtaken with surprise, +Wife (said I), is there ever such a scripture, <i>I must go to Jesus</i>? +She said, she could not tell; therefore I sat musing still, to see if +I could remember such a place: I had not sat above two or three minutes, +but that came bolting in upon me, <i>And to an innumerable company of +angels</i>; and withal, Hebrews twelfth, about the mount <i>Sion</i>, +was set before mine eyes. Heb. xii. 22-24.<br> +<br> +263. Then with joy I told my wife, <i>O! now I</i> <i>know, I +know</i>! But that night was a good night to me, I never had but +few better; I longed for the company of some of God’s people, +that I might have imparted unto them what God had showed me. Christ +was a precious Christ to my soul that night; I could scarce lie in my +bed for joy, and peace, and triumph, through Christ. This great +glory did not continue upon me until morning, yet the twelfth of the +Author to the Hebrews, Heb. xii. 22, 23, was a blessed scripture to +me for many days together after this.<br> +<br> +264. The words are these: <i>Ye are come to mount Sion, and unto +the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to an</i> <i>innumerable +company of angels, to the</i> <i>general assembly and church of the</i> +<i>first-born, which are written in heaven; and to God the Judge of +all, and to the spirits of just men made perfect</i>, <i>and to Jesus +the Mediator of the New Covenant, and</i> <i>to the blood of sprinkling, +that speaketh better things</i> <i>than that of Abel</i>. Through +this blessed sentence the Lord led me over and over, first to this word, +and then to that; and showed me wonderful glory in every one of them. +These words also have oft since that time, been great refreshment to +my spirit. Blessed be God for having mercy on me.<br> +<br> +<br> +<i>A brief Account of the Author’s Call to the Work of the Ministry<br> +<br> +<br> +</i>265. And now I am speaking my experience, I will in this place +thrust in a word or two concerning my preaching the word, and of God’s +dealing with me in that particular also. For after I had been +about five or six years awakened, and helped myself to see both the +want and worth of Jesus Christ our Lord, and also enabled to venture +my soul upon Him; some of the most able among the saints with us, I +say, the most able for judgment and holiness of life, as they conceived, +did perceive that God had counted me worth to understand something of +His will in His holy and blessed word, and had given me utterance in +some measure, to express what I saw to others, for edification; therefore +they desired me, and that with much earnestness, that I would be willing, +at sometimes to take in hand, in one of the meetings, to speak a word +of exhortation unto them.<br> +<br> +266. The which, though at the first it did much dash and abash +my spirit, yet being still by them desired and entreated, I consented +to their request, and did twice at two several assemblies (but in private), +though with much weakness and infirmity, discover my gift amongst them; +at which they not only seemed to be, but did solemnly protest, as in +the sight of the great God, they were both affected and comforted; and +gave thanks to the Father of mercies, for the grace bestowed on me.<br> +<br> +267. After this, sometimes, when some of them did go into the +country to teach, they would also that I should go with them; where, +though as yet, I did not nor durst not, make use of my gift in an open +way, yet more privately, still, as I came amongst the good people in +those places, I did sometimes speak a word of admonition unto them also; +the which they, as the other, received with rejoicing at the mercy of +God to me-ward, professing their souls were edified thereby.<br> +<br> +268. Wherefore, to be brief; at last, being still desired by the +church, after some solemn prayer to the Lord, with fasting, I was more +particularly called forth, and appointed to a more ordinary and public +preaching of the word, not only to and amongst them that believed, but +also to offer the gospel to those who had not yet received the faith +thereof; about which time I did evidently find in my mind a secret pricking +forward thereto; though I bless God, not for desire of vain-glory; for +at that time I was most sorely afflicted with the fiery darts of the +devil, concerning my eternal state.<br> +<br> +269. But yet could not be content, unless I was found in the exercise +of my gift, unto which also I was greatly animated, not only by the +continual desires of the godly, but also by that saying of <i>Paul</i> +to the <i>Corinthians: I beseech you, brethren (ye</i> <i>know the household +of Stephanas, that it is the first</i> <i>fruits of Achaia, and that +they have addicted themselves</i> <i>to the ministry of the saints) +that ye submit yourselves</i> <i>unto such, and to every one that helpeth +with us, and</i> <i>laboureth</i>. 1 Cor. xvi. 15, 16.<br> +<br> +270. By this text I was made to see that the Holy Ghost never +intended that men who have gifts and abilities, should bury them in +the earth, but rather did command and stir up such to the exercise of +their gift, and also did commend those that were apt and ready so to +do. <i>They have addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints</i>. +This scripture, in these days, did continually run in my mind, to encourage +me, and strengthen me in this my work for God; I have also been encouraged +from several other scriptures and examples of the godly, both specified +in the word, and other ancient histories: <i>Acts</i> viii. 4 and xviii. +24, 25, etc.; 1 <i>Pet</i>. iv. 10; <i>Rom</i>. xii. 6; <i>Fox’s</i> +<i>Acts</i> and<i> Mon.<br> +<br> +</i>271. Wherefore, though of myself of all the saints the most +unworthy; yet I, but with great fear and trembling at the sight of my +own weakness, did set upon the work, and did according to my gift, and +the proportion of my faith, preach that blessed gospel that God had +showed me in the holy word of truth: which when the country understood, +they came in to hear the word by hundreds, and that from all parts, +though upon sundry and divers accounts.<br> +<br> +272. And I thank God, He gave unto me some measure of bowels and +pity for their souls, which also did put me forward to labour, with +great diligence and earnestness, to find out such a word as might, if +God would bless, lay hold of, and awaken the conscience; in which also +the good Lord had respect to the desire of His servant; for I had not +preached long, before some began to be touched, and be greatly afflicted +in their minds at the apprehension of the greatness of their sin, and +of their need of Jesus Christ.<br> +<br> +273. But I first could not believe that God should speak by me +to the heart of any man, still counting myself unworthy; yet those who +thus were touched, would love me and have a particular respect for me; +and though I did put it from me, that they should be awakened by me, +still they would confess it, and affirm it before the saints of God: +they would also bless God for me (unworthy wretch that I am!) and count +me God’s instrument that showed to them the way of salvation.<br> +<br> +274. Wherefore seeing them in both their words and deeds to be +so constant, and also in their hearts so earnestly pressing after the +knowledge of Jesus Christ, rejoicing that ever God did send me where +they were; then I began to conclude it might be so, that God had owned +in His work such a foolish one as I; and then came that word of God +to my heart, with much sweet refreshment,<i> The blessing of him that +was ready to perish, is come upon me; and I caused the</i> <i>widow’s +heart to sing for joy</i>. Job xxix. 13.<br> +<br> +275. At this therefore I rejoiced; yea, the tears of those whom +God did awaken by my preaching, would be both solace and encouragement +to me: for I thought on those sayings, <i>Who is He then that</i> <i>maketh +me glad, but the same which is made sorry by</i> <i>Me</i>? 2 +Cor. ii. 2. And again, <i>If</i> <i>I be not an Apostle</i> <i>to +others, yet doubtless, I am unto you: for the seal</i> <i>of mine apostleship +are ye in the Lord</i>. 1 Cor. ix. 2. These things, therefore, +were as another argument unto me, that God had called me to, and stood +by me in this work.<br> +<br> +276. In my preaching of the word, I took special notice of this +one thing, namely, that the Lord did lead me to begin where His word +begins with sinners; that is, to condemn all flesh, and to open and +allege, that the curse of God by the law, doth belong to, and lay hold +on all men as they come into the world, because of sin. Now this +part of my work I fulfilled with great sense; for the terrors of the +law, and guilt for my transgressions, lay heavy on my conscience: I +preached what I felt, what I smartingly did feel; even that under which +my poor soul did groan and tremble to astonishment.<br> +<br> +277. Indeed, I have been as one sent to them from the dead; I +went myself in chains, to preach to them in chains; and carried that +fire in my own conscience, that I persuaded them to be aware of. +I can truly say, and that without dissembling, that when I have been +to preach, I have gone full of guilt and terror, even to the pulpit +door, and there it hath been taken off, and I have been at liberty in +my mind until I have done my work; and then immediately, even before +I could get down the pulpit stairs, I have been as bad as I was before; +yet God carried me on, but surely with a strong hand, for neither guilt +nor hell could take me off my work.<br> +<br> +278. Thus I went on for the space of two years, crying out against +men’s sins, and their fearful state because of them. After +which, the Lord came in upon my own soul, with some staid peace and +comfort through Christ; for He did give me many sweet discoveries of +His blessed grace through Him; wherefore now I altered in my preaching +(for still I preached what I saw and felt); now therefore I did much +labour to hold forth Jesus Christ in all His offices, relations, and +benefits unto the world; and did strive also to discover, to condemn, +and remove those false supports and props on which the world doth both +lean, and by them fall and perish. On these things also I staid +as long as on the other.<br> +<br> +279. After this, God led me into something of the mystery of the +union of Christ; wherefore that I discovered and showed to them also. +And, when I had travelled through these three chief points of the word +of God, about the space of five years or more, I was caught in my present +practice, and cast into prison, where I have lain above as long again +to confirm the truth by way of suffering, as I was before in testifying +of it according to the scriptures, in a way of preaching.<br> +<br> +280. When I have been in preaching, I thank God my heart hath +often all the time of this and the other exercise, with great earnestness +cried to God that He would make the word effectual to the salvation +of the soul; still being grieved lest the enemy should take the word +away from the conscience, and so it should become unfruitful: wherefore +I should labour to speak the word, as that thereby, if it were possible, +the sin and person guilty might be particularized by it.<br> +<br> +281. And when I have done the exercise, it hath gone to my heart, +to think the word should now fall as rain on stony places; still wishing +from my heart, Oh! that they who have heard me speak this day, did but +see as I do, what sin, death, hell, and the curse of God is; and also +what the grace, and love, and mercy of God is, through Christ, to men +in such a case as they are, who are yet estranged from Him. And +indeed, I did often say in my heart before the Lord, <i>That if to be +hanged up presently</i> <i>before their eyes, would be a means to awaken +them</i>, <i>and confirm them in the truth, I gladly should be</i> <i>contented.<br> +<br> +</i>282. For I have been in my preaching, especially when I have +been engaged in the doctrine of life by Christ, without works, as if +an angel of God had stood by at my back to encourage me: Oh! it hath +been with such power and heavenly evidence upon my own soul, while I +have been labouring to unfold it, to demonstrate it, and to fasten it +upon the conscience of others; that I could not be contented with saying, +<i>I believe, and am sure</i>; methought I was more than sure (if it +be lawful to express myself) that those things which then I asserted, +were true.<br> +<br> +283. When I first went to preach the word abroad, the doctors +and priests of the country did open wide against me. But I was +persuaded of this, not to render railing for railing; but to see how +many of their carnal professors I could convince of their miserable +state by the law, and of the want and worth of Christ: for, thought +I, <i>This shall answer for me in time to come, when</i> <i>they shall +be for my hire before their face</i>. Gen. xxx. 33.<br> +<br> +284. I never cared to meddle with things that were controverted, +and in dispute among the saints, especially things of the lowest nature; +yet it pleased me much to contend with great earnestness for the word +of faith, and the remission of sins by the death and sufferings of Jesus: +but I say, as to other things, I should let them alone, because I saw +they engendered strife; and because that they neither in doing, nor +in leaving undone, did commend us to God to be His: besides, I saw my +work before me did run into another channel, even to carry an awakening +word; to that therefore did I stick and adhere.<br> +<br> +285. I never endeavoured to, nor durst make use of other men’s +lines, Rom. xv. 18 (though I condemn not all that do), for I verily +thought, and found by experience, that what was taught me by the word +and Spirit of Christ, could be spoken, maintained, and stood to, by +the soundest and best established conscience; and though I will not +now speak all that I know in this matter, yet my experience hath more +interest in that text of scripture, Gal. i. 11, 12, than many amongst +men are aware.<br> +<br> +286. If any of those who were awakened by my ministry, did after +that fall back (as sometimes too many did), I can truly say, their loss +hath been more to me, than if one of my own children, begotten of my +own body, had been going to its grave: I think verily, I may speak it +without any offence to the Lord, nothing has gone so near me as that; +unless it was the fear of the loss of the salvation of my own soul. +I have counted as if I had goodly buildings and lordships in those places +where my children were born; my heart hath been so wrapped up in the +glory of this excellent work, that I counted myself more blessed and +honoured of God by this, than if He had made me the emperor of the Christian +world, or the lord of all the glory of the earth without it! Oh +these words! <i>He which converteth the sinner from</i> <i>the +error of his way, shall save a soul from death</i>. James v. 20. +<i>The fruit of the righteous is a tree of</i> <i>life; and he that +winneth souls is wise</i>. Prov. xi. 30. <i>They that be +wise shall</i> <i>shine as the brightness of the</i> <i>firmament, and +they that turn many to righteousness</i>, <i>as the stars</i> <i>for +ever and ever</i>. Dan. xii. 3. <i>For</i> <i>what is our +hope, or joy, or crown of rejoicing? Are not even ye in the presence +of our Lord Jesus</i> <i>Christ at His coming</i>?<i> For ye are +our glory and joy</i>. 1 Thes. ii. 19, 20. These, I say, +with many others of a like nature, have been great refreshments to me.<br> +<br> +287. I have observed, that where I have had a work to do for God, +I have had first, as it were, the going of God upon my spirit, to desire +I might preach there: I have also observed, that such and such souls +in particular, have been strongly set upon my heart, and I stirred up +to wish for their salvation; and that these very souls have, after this, +been given in as the fruits of my ministry. I have observed, that +a word cast in, by-the-bye, hath done more execution in a sermon, than +all that was spoken besides: sometimes also, when I have thought I did +no good, then I did the most of all; and at other times, when I thought +I should catch them, I have fished for nothing.<br> +<br> +288. I have also observed, that where there has been a work to +do upon sinners, there the devil hath begun to roar in the hearts and +by the mouths of his servants: yea, oftentimes, when the wicked world +hath raged most, there hath been souls awakened by the word: I could +instance particulars, but I forbear.<br> +<br> +289. My great desire in my fulfilling my ministry was to get into +the darkest places of the country, even amongst those people that were +farthest off of profession; yet not because I could not endure the light +(for I feared not to show my gospel to any) but because I found my spirit +did lean most after awakening and converting work, and the word that +I carried did lean itself most that way also; <i>Yea, so have I strived +to</i> <i>preach the gospel, not where Christ was named, lest</i> <i>I +should build upon another man’s foundation</i>. Rom. xv. +20.<br> +<br> +290. In my preaching I have really been in pain, and have, as +it were, travailed to bring forth children to God; neither could I be +satisfied unless some fruits did appear in my work. If I were +fruitless, it mattered not who commanded me: but if I were fruitful, +I cared not who did condemn. I have thought of that: <i>Lo</i>! +<i>children are an</i> <i>heritage of the Lord; and the fruit of the +womb is His</i> <i>reward. - As arrows are in the hand of a mighty</i> +<i>man, so are children of the youth. Happy is the man</i> <i>that +hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be</i> <i>ashamed, but +they shall speak with the enemies in the</i> <i>gate</i>. Psalm +cxxvii. 3-5.<br> +<br> +291. It pleased me nothing to see people drink in opinions, if +they seemed ignorant of Jesus Christ, and the worth of their own salvation, +sound conviction for sin, especially for unbelief, and a heart set on +fire to be saved by Christ, with strong breathings after a truly sanctified +soul: that it was that delighted me; those were the souls I counted +blessed.<br> +<br> +292. But in this work, as in all other, I had my temptations attending +me, and that of divers kinds; as sometimes I should be assaulted with +great discouragement therein, fearing that I should not be able to speak +a word at all to edification; nay, that I should not be able to speak +sense unto the people; at which times I should have such a strange faintness +and strengthlessness seize upon my body, that my legs have scarce been +able to carry me to the place of exercise.<br> +<br> +293. Sometimes again when I have been preaching, I have been violently +assaulted with thoughts of blasphemy, and strongly tempted to speak +the words with my mouth before the congregation. I have also at +some times, even when I have begun to speak the word with much clearness, +evidence, and liberty of speech, yet been, before the ending of that +opportunity, so blinded and so estranged from the things I have been +speaking, and have been also so straightened in my speech, as to utterance +before the people, that I have been as if I had not known, or remembered +what I have been about; or as if my head had been in a bag all the time +of my exercise.<br> +<br> +294. Again, when as sometimes I have been about to preach upon +some smart and searching portion of the word, I have found the tempter +suggest, <i>What! will you preach this</i>! <i>This condemns yourself</i>; +<i>of this your own soul is guilty; wherefore preach not of it at all; +or if you do, yet so</i> <i>mince it, as to make way for your own escape; +lest</i> <i>instead of awakening others, you lay that guilt</i> <i>upon +your own soul, that you will never get from</i> <i>under.<br> +<br> +</i>295. But I thank the Lord, I have been kept from consenting +to these so horrid suggestions, and have rather, as Sampson, bowed myself +with all my might, to condemn sin and transgression, wherever I found +it; yea, though therein also I did bring guilt upon my own conscience: +<i>Let</i> <i>me die</i> (thought I), <i>with the Philistines</i>, Judges +xvi. 29, 30, rather than deal corruptly with the blessed word of God. +<i>Thou that teachest another, teachest</i> <i>thou not thyself</i>? +It is far better that thou do judge thyself, even by preaching plainly +unto others, than that thou, to save thyself, imprison the truth in +righteousness. Blessed be God for His help also in this.<br> +<br> +296. I have also, while found in this blessed work of Christ, +been often tempted to pride and liftings up of heart: and though I dare +not say, I have not been affected with this, yet truly the Lord of His +precious mercy, hath so carried it towards me, that for the most part +I have had but small joy to give way to such a thing: for it hath been +my every day’s portion to be let into the evil of my own heart, +and still made to see such a multitude of corruptions and infirmities +therein, that it hath caused hanging down of the head under all my gifts +and attainments; I have felt this thorn in the flesh, 2 Cor. xii. 8, +9, the very mercy of God to me.<br> +<br> +297. I have also had, together with this, some notable place or +other of the word presented before me, which word hath contained in +it some sharp and piercing sentence concerning the perishing of the +soul, notwithstanding gifts and parts: as, for instance, that hath been +of great use to me<i>: Though I speak with the tongues of men and angels, +and have not charity, I am become as sounding</i> <i>brass, and a tinkling +cymbal</i>. 1 Cor. xiii. 1, 2.<br> +<br> +298. A tinkling cymbal is an instrument of music, with which a +skilful player can make such melodious and heart-inflaming music, that +all who hear him play, can scarcely hold from dancing; and yet behold +the cymbal hath not life, neither comes the music from it, but because +of the art of him that plays therewith; so then the instrument at last +may come to nought and perish, though in times past such music hath +been made upon it.<br> +<br> +299. Just thus I saw it was, and will be, with them who have gifts, +but want saving grace; they are in the hand of Christ, as the cymbal +in the hand of <i>David</i>: and as <i>David</i> could with the cymbal +make that mirth in the service of God, as to elevate the hearts of the +worshippers, so Christ can use these gifted men, as with them to affect +the souls of His people in His church; yet when He hath done all, hang +them by, as lifeless, though sounding cymbals.<br> +<br> +300. This consideration therefore, together with some others, +were for the most part, as a maul on the head of pride, and desire of +vain-glory. What, thought I, shall I be proud because I am a sounding +brass? Is it so much to be a fiddle? hath not the least creature +that hath life, more of God in it than these? Besides, I knew +’twas love should never die, but these must cease and vanish: +so I concluded, a little grace, a little love, a little of the true +fear of God, is better than all the gifts: yea, and I am fully convinced +of it, that it is possible for souls that can scarce give a man an answer, +but with great confusion as to method; I say, it is possible for them +to have a thousand times more grace, and so to be more in the love and +favour of the Lord, than some who by the virtue of the gift of knowledge, +can deliver themselves like angels.<br> +<br> +301. Thus therefore I came to perceive that, though gifts in themselves +were good, to the thing for which they are designed, to wit, the edification +of others; yet empty, and without power to save the soul of him that +hath them, if they be <i>alone</i>: neither are they, as so, any sign +of a man’s state to be happy, being only a dispensation of God +to some, of whose improvement, or non-improvement, they must when a +little love more is over, give an account to Him that is ready to judge +the quick and the dead.<br> +<br> +302. This showed me too, that gifts being alone, were dangerous, +not in themselves, but because of those evils that attend them that +have them, to wit, pride, desire of vain glory, self-conceit, etc., +all which were easily blown up at the applause and commendation of every +unadvised Christian, to the endangering of a poor creature to fall into +the condemnation of the devil.<br> +<br> +303. I saw therefore that he that hath gifts, had need be let +into a sight of the nature of them, to wit, that they come short of +making of him to be in a truly saved condition, lest he rest in them, +and so fall short of the grace of God.<br> +<br> +304. He hath cause also to walk humbly with God and be little +in his own eyes, and to remember withal, that his gifts are not his +own, but the churches; and that by them he is made a servant to the +church; and he must also give at last an account of his stewardship +unto the Lord Jesus, and to give a good account will be a blessed thing.<br> +<br> +305. Let all men therefore prize a little with the fear of the +Lord (gifts indeed are desirable), but yet great grace and small gifts +are better than great gifts and no grace. It doth not say, the +Lord gives gifts and glory, but the Lord gives grace and glory; and +blessed is such an one, to whom the Lord gives grace, true grace; for +that is a certain forerunner of glory.<br> +<br> +306. But when Satan perceived that his thus tempting and assaulting +of me, would not answer his design; to wit, to overthrow the ministry, +and make it ineffectual, as to the ends thereof: then he tried another +way, which was, to stir up the minds of the ignorant and malicious to +load me with slanders and reproaches: now therefore I may say, that +what the devil could devise, and his instruments invent, was whirled +up and down the country against me, thinking, as I said, that by that +means they should make my ministry to be abandoned.<br> +<br> + 307. It began therefore to be rumoured up and down among +the people, that I was a witch, a Jesuit, a highwayman, and the like.<br> +<br> + 308. To all which, I shall only say, God knows that I am +innocent. But as for mine accusers, let them provide themselves +to meet me before the tribunal of the Son of God, there to answer for +all these things (with all the rest of their iniquities) unless God +shall give them repentance for them, for the which I pray with all my +heart.<br> +<br> +309. But that which was reported with the boldest confidence, +was, that I had my <i>misses</i>, my <i>whores</i>, my <i>bastards</i>; +yea, <i>two wives</i> at once, and the like. Now these slanders +(with the others) I glory in, because but slanders, foolish or knavish +lies, and falsehoods cast upon me by the devil and his seed; and, should +I not be dealt with thus wickedly by the world, I should want one sign +of a saint, and a child of God. <i>Blessed are ye</i> (said the +Lord Jesus) <i>when men shall revile you and persecute you, and shall +say all manner of evil</i> <i>against you falsely for My sake</i>; <i>rejoice +and be exceeding</i> <i>glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for +so persecuted</i> <i>they the prophets which were before you</i>. +Matt. iv. 11.<br> +<br> +310. These things therefore, upon mine own account, trouble me +not; no, though they were twenty times more than they are. I have +a good conscience, and whereas they speak evil of me, as an evil-doer, +they shall be ashamed that falsely accuse my good conversation in Christ.<br> +<br> +311. So then, what shall I say to those who have thus bespattered +me? Shall I threaten them? Shall I chide them? Shall +I flatter them? Shall I entreat them to hold their tongues? +No, not I. Were it not for that these things make them ripe for +damnation, that are the authors and abettors, I would say unto them, +<i>Report it</i>, because ’twill increase my glory.<br> +<br> +312. Therefore I bind these lies and slanders to me as an ornament; +it belongs to my Christian profession to be vilified, slandered, reproached +and reviled; and since all this is nothing else, as my God and my conscience +do bear me witness, I rejoice in reproaches for Christ’s sake.<br> +<br> +313. I also call all these fools or knaves, that have thus made +it any thing of their business to affirm any of the things afore-named +of me; namely, That I have been naught with other women, or the like. +When they have used the utmost of their endeavours, and made the fullest +inquiry that they can, to prove against me truly, that there is any +woman in heaven, or earth, or hell, that can say, I have at any time, +in any place, by day or night, so much as attempted to be naught with +them; and speak I thus to beg my enemies into a good esteem of me? +No, not I: I will in this beg belief of no man: believe or disbelieve +me in this, all is a-case to me.<br> +<br> +314. My foes have missed their mark in this shooting at me: I +am not the man: I wish that they themselves be guiltless. If all +the fornicators and adulterers in <i>England</i> were hanged up by the +neck till they be dead, <i>John Bunyan</i>, the object of their envy, +would be still alive and well. I know not whether there be such +a thing as a woman breathing under the copes of the whole heaven, but +by their apparel, their children, or by common fame, except my wife.<br> +<br> +315. And in this I admire the wisdom of God, that He made me shy +of women from my first conversion until now. Those shy of women +know, and can also bear me witness, with whom I have been most intimately +concerned, that it is a rare thing to see me carry it pleasant towards +a woman: the common salutation of women I abhor; ’tis odious to +me in whomsoever I see it. Their company alone, I cannot away +with; I seldom so much as touch a woman’s hand; for I think these +things are not so becoming me. When I have seen good men salute +those women that they have visited, or that have visited them, I have +at times made my objection against it; and when they have answered, +that it was but a piece of civility, I have told them, it is not a comely +sight. Some indeed have urged the holy kiss; but then I have asked +why they made baulks? why they did salute the most handsome, and let +the ill-favoured go? Thus, how laudable soever such things have +been in the eyes of others, they have been unseemly in my sight.<br> +<br> +316. And now for a wind-up in this matter, I calling not only +men, but angels, to prove me guilty of having carnally to do with any +woman save my wife: nor am I afraid to do it a second time; knowing +that it cannot offend the Lord in such a case, to call God for a record +upon my soul, that in these things I am innocent. Not that I have +been thus kept, because of any goodness in me, more than any other; +but God has been merciful to me, and has kept me; to whom I pray that +He will keep me still, not only from this, but every evil way and work, +and preserve me to His heavenly kingdom. <i>Amen.<br> +<br> +</i>317. Now as Satan laboured by reproaches and slanders, to +make me vile among my countrymen; that, if possible, my preaching might +be made of none effect; so there was added hereto, a long and tedious +imprisonment, that thereby I might be frightened from my service for +Christ, and the world terrified, and made afraid to hear me preach; +of which I shall in the next place give you a brief account.<br> +<br> +<br> +A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR’S IMPRISONMENT<br> +<br> +<br> +318. Having made profession of the glorious gospel of Christ a +long time, and preached the same about five years, I was apprehended +at a meeting of good people in the country (among whom, had they let +me alone, I should have preached that day, but they took me away from +amongst them), and had me before a justice; who, after I had offered +security for my appearing at the next sessions, yet committed me, because +my sureties would not consent to be bound that I should preach no more +to the people.<br> +<br> +319. At the sessions after I was indicted for an upholder and +maintainer of unlawful assemblies and conventicles, and for not conforming +to the national worship of the church of <i>England</i>; and after some +conference there with the justices, they taking my plain dealing with +them for a confession, as they termed it, <i>of the indictment, did +sentence me to a perpetual banishment, because I refused to conform</i>. +So being again delivered up to the jailer’s hands, I was had home +to prison, and there have lain now complete twelve years, waiting to +see what God would suffer these men to do with me.<br> +<br> +320. In which condition I have continued with much content, through +grace, but have met with many turnings and goings upon my heart, both +from the Lord, Satan, and my own corruptions; by all which (glory be +to Jesus Christ) I have also received among many things, much conviction, +instruction, and understanding, of which at large I shall not here discourse; +only give you a hint or two, a word that may stir up the godly to bless +God, and to pray for me; and also to take encouragement, should the +case be their own - <i>not to fear what man can do unto them.<br> +<br> +</i>321. I never had in all my life so great an inlet into the +word of God as now: those scriptures that I saw nothing in before, are +made in this place and state to shine upon me; Jesus Christ also was +never more real and apparent than now; here I have seen and felt Him +indeed: Oh! that word, <i>We have not preached unto you</i> <i>cunningly +devised fables</i>, 2 Pet. i. 16, and that, <i>God raised Christ</i> +<i>from the dead, and gave Him glory</i>, <i>that our faith and hope +might be in God</i> 1 Pet. i. 21, were blessed words unto me in this +my imprisoned condition.<br> +322. These three or four scriptures also have been great refreshments +in this condition to me: John xiv. 1-4; John xvi. 33; Col. iii. 3, 4; +Heb. xii. 22-24. So that sometimes when I have been in the savour +of them, I have been able to laugh at destruction, <i>and to fear</i> +<i>neither the horse nor his rider</i>. I have had sweet sights +of the forgiveness of my sins in this place, and of my being with Jesus +in another world: <i>Oh! the</i> <i>mount Sion</i>,<i> the heavenly +Jerusalem, the innumerable company of angels, and God the Judge of all, +and the</i> <i>spirits of just men made perfect, and Jesus</i>, have +been sweet unto me in this place: I have seen that here, that I am persuaded +I shall never, while in this world, be able to express: I have seen +a truth in this scripture, <i>Whom having not seen, ye love; in</i> +<i>whom, though now you see Him not, yet believing, ye</i> <i>rejoice +with joy unspeakable, and full of glory</i>. 1 Pet. i. 8.<br> +<br> +323. I never knew what it was for God to stand by me at all turns, +and at every offer of Satan to afflict me, etc., as I have found Him +since I came in hither: for look how fears have presented themselves, +so have supports and encouragements; yea, when I have started, even +as it were, at nothing else but my shadow, yet God, as being very tender +of me, hath not suffered me to be molested, but would with one scripture +or another, strengthen me against all; insomuch that I have often said, +<i>were it lawful, I could pray for greater trouble, for the greater +comfort’s</i> <i>sake</i>. Eccl. vii. 14; 2 Cor. i. 5.<br> +<br> +324. Before I came to prison, I saw what was coming, and had especially +two considerations warm upon my heart; the first was, how to be able +to encounter death, should that be here my portion. For the first +of these, that scripture, Col. i. 11, was great information to me, namely, +to pray to God <i>to be strengthened with all might, according</i> <i>to +His glorious power, unto all patience and long</i>-<i>suffering with +joyfulness</i>. I could seldom go to prayer before I was imprisoned; +but for not so little as a year together, this sentence, or sweet petition +would, as it were, thrust itself into my mind, and persuade me, that +if ever I would go through long-suffering, I must have all patience, +especially if I would endure it joyfully.<br> +<br> +325. As to the second consideration, that saying (2 Cor. +i. 9) was of great use to me, <i>But we had the sentence of death</i> +<i>in ourselves, that we should not trust in</i> <i>ourselves, but in +God, which raiseth the</i> <i>dead</i>. By this scripture I was +made to see, That if ever I would suffer rightly, I must first pass +a sentence of death upon every thing that can properly be called a thing +of this life, even to reckon myself, my wife, my children, my health, +my enjoyments, and all as dead to me, and myself as dead to them.<br> +<br> +326. The second was to live upon God that is invisible, as Paul +said in another place; the way not to faint is, <i>To look not on the +things that are seen</i>, <i>but at the things that are not seen; for +the things that</i> <i>are seen are temporal, but the things that are +not seen</i> <i>are eternal</i>. And thus I reasoned with myself, +if I provide only for a prison, then the whip comes at unawares; and +so doth also the pillory: Again, if I only provide for these, then I +am not fit for banishment. Further, if I conclude that banishment +is the worst, then if death comes, I am surprised: so that I see, the +best way to go through sufferings, is to trust in God through Christ, +as touching the world to come; and as touching this world, <i>to count</i> +<i>the grave my house, to make my bed in darkness; to</i> <i>say to +corruption, Thou art</i> <i>my father, and to the</i> <i>worm, Thou</i> +<i>art my mother and sister</i>: that is, to familiarize these things +to me.<br> +<br> +327. But notwithstanding these helps, I found myself a man and +compassed with infirmities; the parting with my wife and poor children, +hath often been to me in this place, as the pulling the flesh from the +bones, and that not only because I am somewhat too fond of these great +mercies, but also because I should have often brought to my mind the +many hardships, miseries, and wants that my poor family was like to +meet with, should I be taken from them, especially my poor blind child, +who lay nearer my heart than all besides: Oh! the thoughts of the hardship +I thought my poor blind one might go under, would break my heart to +pieces.<br> +<br> +328. Poor child! thought I, what sorrow art thou like to have +for thy portion in this world! Thou must be beaten, must beg, +suffer hunger, cold, nakedness, and a thousand calamities, though I +cannot now endure the wind should blow upon thee. But yet recalling +myself, thought I, I must venture you all with God, though it goeth +to the quick to leave you: Oh! I saw in this condition I was as a man +who was pulling down his house upon the head of his wife and children; +yet, thought I, I must do it, I must do it: and now I thought on those +<i>two milch kine that were to carry the ark of God into another country, +and to leave their calves behind them</i>. 1 Sam. vi. 10-12.<br> +<br> +329. But that which helped me in this temptation, was divers considerations, +of which, three in special here I will name, the first was the consideration +of these two scriptures, <i>Leave thy fatherless children, I will preserve +them alive, and</i> <i>let thy widows trust in me</i>: and again, <i>The +Lord</i> <i>said, Verily it shall be well with thy remnant, verily</i>, +<i>I will cause the enemy to entreat thee well in the</i> <i>time of +evil, and in time of affliction</i>. Jer. xlix. 11; xv. 11.<br> +<br> +330. I had also this consideration, that if I should not venture +all for God, I engaged God to take care of my concernments: but if I +forsook Him and His ways, for fear of any trouble that should come to +me or mine, then I should not only falsify my profession, but should +count also that my concernments were not so sure, if left at God’s +feet, whilst I stood to and for His name, as they would be if they were +under my own care, though with the denial of the way of God. This +was a smarting consideration, and as spurs unto my flesh. That +scripture also greatly helped it to fasten the more upon me, where Christ +prays against Judas, that God would disappoint him in his selfish thoughts, +which moved him to sell his Master. Pray read it soberly: Psalm +cix. 6-8, etc.<br> +<br> +331. I had also another consideration, and that was, the dread +of the torments of hell, which I was sure they must partake of that +for fear of the cross, do shrink from their profession of Christ, His +words and laws before the sons of men: I thought also of the glory that +He had prepared for those that in faith, and love, and patience, stood +to His ways before them. These things, I say, have helped me, +when the thoughts of the misery that both myself and mine, might for +the sake of my profession be exposed to, hath lain pinching on my mind.<br> +<br> +332. When I have indeed conceited that I might be banished for +my profession, then I have thought of that scripture: <i>They were stoned, +they were</i> <i>sawn asunder, were tempted, were slain with the</i> +<i>sword, they wandered about in sheep-skins, and goat</i>-<i>skins, +being destitute, afflicted, tormented, of whom the</i> <i>world was +not worthy</i>; for all they thought they were too bad to dwell and +abide amongst them. I have also thought of that saying, <i>the +Holy Ghost</i> <i>witnesseth in every city, that bonds and afflictions +abide</i> <i>me</i>. I have verily thought that <i>my</i> soul +and <i>it</i> have sometimes reasoned about the sore and sad estate +of a banished and exiled condition, how they were exposed to hunger, +to cold, to perils, to nakedness, to enemies, and a thousand calamities; +and at last, it may be, to die in a ditch, like a poor and desolate +sheep. But I thank God, hitherto I have not been moved by these +most <i>delicate</i> reasonings, but have rather, by them, more approved +my heart to God.<br> +<br> +333. I will tell you a pretty business:- I was once above all +the rest, in a very sad and low condition for many weeks; at which time +also, I being but a young prisoner, and not acquainted with the laws, +had this lying much upon my spirits, <i>that my imprisonment might end</i> +<i>at the gallows for ought that I could tell</i>. Now therefore +Satan laid hard at me, to beat me out of heart, by suggesting thus unto +me: <i>But how</i> <i>if, when you come indeed to die, YOU</i> <i>should +be in this condition; that is, as</i> <i>not to savour the things of +God, nor</i> <i>to have any evidence upon your soul</i> <i>for a better +state hereafter</i>? (for indeed at that time all the things of God +were hid from my soul).<br> +<br> +334. Wherefore, when I at first began to think of this, it was +a great trouble to me; for I thought with myself, that in the condition +I now was in, I was not fit to die, neither indeed did I think I could, +if I should be called to it; besides, I thought with myself, if I should +make a scrambling shift to clamber up the ladder, yet I should either +with quaking, or other symptoms of fainting, give occasion to the enemy +to reproach the way of God and His people for their timorousness. +This, therefore, lay with great trouble upon me, for methought I was +ashamed to die with a pale face, and tottering knees, in such a cause +as this.<br> +<br> +335. Wherefore I prayed to God that He would comfort me, and give +me strength to do and suffer me what He should call me to; yet no comfort +appeared, but all continued hid: I was also at this time, so really +possessed with the thought of death, that oft I was as if I was on a +ladder with the rope about my neck; only this was some encouragement +to me; I thought I might now have an opportunity to speak my last words +to a multitude, which I thought would come to see me die; and, thought +I, if it must be so, if God will but convert one soul by my very last +words, I shall not count my life thrown away, nor lost.<br> +<br> +336. But yet all the things of God were kept out of my sight, +and still the tempter followed me with, <i>But whither must</i> <i>you +go when you die? what will become of you</i>? <i>where will you be found +in another</i> <i>world</i>? <i>what evidence have you for heaven and +glory</i>, <i>and an inheritance among them that are sanctified</i>? +Thus was I tossed for many weeks, and knew not what to do; at last this +consideration fell with weight upon me, <i>that</i> <i>it was for the +word and</i> <i>way of God that I was</i> <i>in this condition, Wherefore</i> +<i>I was engaged not to</i> <i>flinch an hair’s breadth</i> <i>from +it.<br> +<br> +</i>337. I thought also, that God might choose whether He would +give me comfort now, or at the hour of death; but I might not therefore +choose whether I would hold my profession or no: I was bound, but He +was free; yea, ’twas my duty to stand to His word, whether He +would ever look upon me or save me at the last: wherefore, thought I, +save the point being thus, I am for going on, and venturing my eternal +state with Christ, whether I have comfort here or no; if God doth not +come in, thought I, <i>I will leap off the ladder even blindfold into</i> +<i>eternity, sink or swim, come heaven, come hell, Lord</i> <i>Jesus, +if Thou wilt catch me, do; if not, I will venture</i> <i>for Thy name.<br> +<br> +</i>338. I was no sooner fixed in this resolution, but the word +dropped upon me, <i>Doth Job</i> <i>serve God for nought</i>? +As if the accuser had said, <i>Lord, Job is no upright man, be serves +Thee for bye-respects: hast Thou not made an hedge about him, etc</i>. +<i>But put forth now Thine hand, and touch all that he</i> <i>hath, +and, he will curse Thee to Thy face</i>. How now! thought I, is +this the sign of an upright soul, to desire to serve God, when all is +taken from him? Is he a godly man that will serve God for nothing, +rather than give out! Blessed be God! then I hope I have an upright +heart, for I am resolved (God giving me strength) never to deny my profession, +though I have nothing at all for my pains: and as I was thus considering, +that scripture was set before me: Psalm xliv. 12, etc.<br> +<br> +339. Now was my heart full of comfort; for I hoped it was sincere: +I would not have been without this trial for much; I am comforted every +time I think of it, and I hope I shall bless God for ever, for the teaching +I have had by it. Many more of the dealings towards me I might +relate, <i>But these out of the spoils won in battle I have dedicated +to maintain the house of God</i>. 1 Chron. xxvi. 27.<br> +<br> +<br> +THE CONCLUSION<br> +<br> +<br> +1. Of all the temptations that ever I met with in my life, to +question the being of God, and truth of His gospel is the worst, and +the worst to be borne; when this temptation comes, it takes away my +girdle from me, and removeth the foundation from under me: Oh! I have +often thought of that word, <i>Have your loins girt about with truth</i>; +and of that, <i>When the foundations are destroyed</i>, <i>what can +the righteous do?<br> +<br> +</i>2. Sometimes, when after sin committed, I have looked for +sore chastisement from the hand of God, the very next that I have had +from Him, hath been the discovery of His grace. Sometimes when +I have been comforted, I have called myself a fool for my so sinking +under trouble. And then again, when I have been cast down, I thought +I was not wise, to give such way to comfort; with such strength and +weight have both these been upon me.<br> +<br> +3. I have wondered much at this one thing, that though God doth +visit my soul with never so blessed a discovery of Himself, yet I have +found again, that such hours have attended me afterwards, that I have +been in my spirit so filled with darkness, that I could not so much +as once conceive what that God and that comfort was, with which I have +been refreshed.<br> +<br> +4. I have sometimes seen more in a line of the Bible, than I could +well tell how to stand under; and yet at another time, the whole Bible +hath been to me as dry as a stick; or rather, My heart hath been so +dead and dry unto it, that I could not conceive the refreshment, though +I have looked it all over.<br> +<br> +5. Of all fears, they are best that are made by the blood of Christ; +and of all joy, that is the sweetest that is mixed with mourning over +Christ: Oh! it is a goodly thing to be on our knees, with Christ in +our arms, before God: I hope I know something of these things.<br> +<br> +6. I find to this day seven abominations in my heart: 1. Inclining +to unbelief; 2. Suddenly to forget the love and mercy that Christ manifesteth; +3. A leaning to the works of the law; 4. Wanderings and coldness in +prayer; 5. To forget to watch for that I pray for; 6. Apt to murmur +because I have no more, and yet ready to abuse what I have; 7. I can +do none of those things which God commands me, but my corruptions will +thrust in themselves. When I would do good, evil is present with +me.<br> +<br> +7. These things I continually see and feel, and am afflicted and +oppressed with, yet the wisdom of God doth order them for my good; 1. +They make me abhor myself; 2. They keep me from trusting my heart; 3. +They convince me of the insufficiency of all inherent righteousness; +4. They show me the necessity of flying to Jesus; 5. They press me to +pray unto God; 6. They show me the need I have to watch and be sober; +7. And provoke me to pray unto God, through Christ, to help me, and +carry me through this world.<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +A RELATION OF MY IMPRISONMENT IN THE MONTH OF NOVEMBER 1660<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +When, by the good hand of my God, I had for five or six years together, +without any interruption, freely preached the blessed gospel of our +Lord Jesus Christ; and had also, through His blessed grace, some encouragement +by His blessing thereupon; the devil, that old enemy of man’s +salvation, took his opportunity to inflame the hearts of his vassals +against me, insomuch that at the last, I was laid out for by the warrant +of a justice, and was taken and committed to prison. The relation +thereof is as followeth:-<br> +<br> +Upon the 12th of this instant, November 1660, I was desired by some +of the friends in the country to come to teach at <i>Samsell</i>, by +<i>Harlington</i>, in <i>Bedfordshire</i>. To whom I made a promise, +if the Lord permitted, to be with them on the time aforesaid. +The justice hearing thereof (whose name is Mr <i>Francis Wingate</i>), +forthwith issued out his warrant to take me, and bring me before him, +and in the meantime to keep a very strong watch about the house where +the meeting should be kept, as if we that were to meet together in that +place did intend to do some fearful business, to the destruction of +the country; when alas! the constable, when he came in, found us only +with our Bibles in our hands, ready to speak and hear the word of God; +for we were just about to begin our exercise. Nay, we had begun +in prayer for the blessing of God upon our opportunity, intending to +have preached the word of the Lord unto them there present: but the +constable coming in prevented us. So I was taken and forced to +depart the room. But had I been minded to have played the coward, +I could have escaped and kept out of his hands. For when I was +come to my friend’s house, there was whispering that that day +I should be taken, for there was a warrant out to take me; which when +my friend heard, he being somewhat timorous, questioned whether we had +best have our meeting or not; and whether it might not be better for +me to depart, lest they should take me and have me before the justice, +and after that send me to prison (for he knew better than I what spirit +they were of, living by them): to whom I said, No, by no means, I will +not stir, neither will I have the meeting dismissed for this. +Come, be of good cheer; let us not be daunted; our cause is good, we +need not be ashamed of it; to preach God’s Word, is so good a +work, that we shall be well rewarded, if we suffer for that; or to this +purpose - (But as for my friend, I think he was more afraid of me, than +of himself.) After this I walked into the close, where I somewhat +seriously considering the matter, this came into my mind, That I had +showed myself hearty and courageous in my preaching, and had, blessed +be grace, made it my business to encourage others; therefore thought +I, if I should now run, and make an escape, it will be of a very ill +savour in the country. For what will my weak and newly-converted +brethren think of it, but that I was not so strong in deed as I was +in word? Also I feared that if I should run now there was a warrant +out for me, I might by so doing make them afraid to stand, when great +words only should be spoken to them. Besides I thought, that seeing +God of His mercy should choose me to go upon the forlorn hope in this +country; that is, to be the first, that should be opposed, for the gospel; +if I should fly, it might be a discouragement to the whole body that +might follow after. And further, I thought the world thereby would +take occasion at my cowardliness, to have blasphemed the gospel, and +to have had some ground to suspect worse of me and my profession, than +I deserved. These things with others considered by me, I came +in again to the house, with a full resolution to keep the meeting, and +not to go away, though I could have been gone about an hour before the +officer apprehended me; but I would not; for I was resolved to see the +utmost of what they could say or do unto me. For blessed be the +Lord, I knew of no evil that I had said or done. And so, as aforesaid, +I begun the meeting. But being prevented by the constable’s +coming in with his warrant to take me, I could not proceed. But +before I went away, I spake some few words of counsel and encouragement +to the people, declaring to them, that they saw we were prevented of +our opportunity to speak and hear the Word of God, and were like to +suffer for the same; desiring them that they would not be discouraged, +for it was a mercy to suffer upon so good account. For we might +have been apprehended as thieves or murderers, or for other wickedness; +but blessed be God it was not so, but we suffer as Christians for well +doing: and we had better be the persecuted, than the persecutors, etc. +But the constable and the justice’s man waiting on us, would not +be at quiet till they had me away and that we departed the house. +But because the justice was not at home that day, there was a friend +of mine engaged for me to bring me to the constable on the morrow morning. +Otherwise the constable must have charged a watch with me, or have secured +me some other way, my crime was so great. So on the next morning +we went to the constable, and so to the justice. He asked the +constable what we did, where we was met together, and what we had with +us? I trow, he meant whether we had armour or not; but when the +constable told him that there were only met a few of us together to +preach and hear the Word, and no sign of anything else, he could not +well tell what to say: yet because he had sent for me, he did adventure +to put out a few proposals to me, which were to this effect, namely, +What I did there? And why I did not content myself with following +my calling? for it was against the law, that such as I should be admitted +to do as I did.<br> +<br> +<i>John Bunyan</i>. To which I answered, That the intent of my +coming thither, and to other places, was to instruct, and counsel people +to forsake their sins, and close in with Christ, lest they did miserably +perish; and that I could do both these without confusion (to wit), follow +my calling, and preach the Word also.<br> +<br> +At which words, he was in a chafe, as it appeared; for he said that +he would break the neck of our meetings.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I said, It may be so. Then he wished me to get +sureties to be bound for me, or else he would send me to the jail.<br> +<br> +My sureties being ready, I called them in, and when the bond for my +appearance was made, he told them, that they was bound to keep me from +preaching; and that if I did preach, their bonds would be forfeited. +To which I answered, that then I should break them; for I should not +leave speaking the Word of God: even to counsel, comfort, exhort, and +teach the people among whom I came; and I thought this to be a work +that had no hurt in it: but was rather worthy of commendation, than +blame.<br> +<br> +<i>Wingate</i>. Whereat he told me, that if they would not be +so bound, my mittimus must be made, and I sent to the jail, there to +lie to the quarter sessions.<br> +<br> +Now while my mittimus was making, the justice was withdrawn; and in +comes an old enemy to the truth, Dr Lindale, who, when he was come in, +fell to taunting at me with many reviling terms.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. To whom I answered, that I did not come thither to +talk with him, but with the justice. Whereat he supposed that +I had nothing to say for myself, and triumphed as if he had got the +victory; charging and condemning me for meddling with that for which +I could show no warrant; and asked me, if I had taken the oaths? and +if I had not, it was pity but that I should be sent to prison, etc.<br> +<br> +I told him, that if I was minded, I could answer to any sober question +that he should put to me. He then urged me again, how I could +prove it lawful for me to preach, with a great deal of confidence of +the victory.<br> +<br> +But at last, because he should see that I could answer him if I listed, +I cited to him that verse in Peter, which saith, <i>every man hath received +the gift, even so let him minister the same, etc.<br> +<br> +Lind</i>. Aye, saith he, to whom is that spoken?<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. To whom, said I, why to every man that hath received +a gift from God. Mark, saith the apostle, <i>As every man that +hath received a gift from God</i>, etc.; and again, <i>You may all prophesy +one by one</i>. Whereat the man was a little stopt, and went a +softlier pace: but not being willing to lose the day, he began again, +and said:-<br> +<br> +<i>Lind</i>. Indeed, I do remember that I have read of one Alexander +a coppersmith, who did much oppose, and disturb the apostles; - (aiming +it is like at me, because I was a tinker).<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. To which I answered, that I also had read of very +many priests and pharisees, that had their hands in the blood of our +Lord Jesus Christ.<br> +<br> +<i>Lind</i>. Aye, saith he, and you are one of those scribes and +pharisees: for you, with a pretence, make long prayers to devour widows’ +houses.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I answered, that if he had got no more by preaching +and praying than I had done, he would not be so rich as now he was. +But that scripture coming into my mind, <i>Answer not a fool according +to his folly</i>, I was as sparing of my speech as I could, without +prejudice to truth.<br> +<br> +Now by this time my mittimus was made, and I committed to the constable, +to be sent to the jail in Bedford, etc.<br> +<br> +But as I was going, two of my brethren met with me by the way, and desired +the constable to stay, supposing that they should prevail with the justice, +through the favour of a pretended friend, to let me go at liberty. +So we did stay, while they went to the justice; and after much discourse +with him, it came to this: that if I would come to him again, and say +some certain words to him, I should be released. Which when they +told me, I said if the words was such that might be said with a good +conscience, I should or else I should not. So through their importunity +went back again, but not believing that I should be delivered: for I +feared their spirit was too full of opposition to the truth to let me +go, unless I should, in something or other, dishonour my God and wound +my conscience. Wherefore, as I went, I lifted up my heart to God, +for light and strength to be kept, that I might not do any thing that +might either dishonour Him, or wrong my own soul, or be a grief or discouragement +to any that was inclining after the Lord Jesus Christ.<br> +<br> +Well, when I came to the justice again, there was Mr <i>Foster</i> of +Bedford, who, coming out of another room, and seeing me by the light +of the candle (for it was dark night when I went thither), he said unto +me, Who is there? <i>John Bunyan</i>? with such seeming affection, as +if he would have leaped on my neck and kissed me, which made me somewhat +wonder, that such a man as he, with whom I had so little acquaintance, +and, besides, that had ever been a close opposer of the ways of God, +should carry himself so full of love to me; but, afterwards, when I +saw what he did, it caused me to remember those sayings, <i>Their tongues +are smoother than oil</i>, <i>but their words are drawn swords</i>. + And again, <i>Beware of men, etc</i>. When I had answered him, +that blessed be God, I was well; he said, What is the occasion of your +being here? or to that purpose. To whom I answered, that I was +at a meeting of people a little way off, intending to speak a word of +exhortation to them; the justice hearing thereof, said I, was pleased +to send his warrant to fetch me before him, etc.<br> +<br> +<i>Fost</i>. So (said he), I understand: but well, if you will +promise to call the people no more together, you shall have your liberty +to go home; for my brother is very loath to send you to prison, if you +will be but ruled.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. Sir (said I), pray what do you mean by calling the +people together? my business is not anything among them, when they are +come together, but to exhort them to look after the salvation of their +souls, that they may be saved, etc.<br> +<br> +<i>Fost</i>. Saith he, We must not enter into explication, or +dispute now; but if you will say you will call the people no more together, +you may have your liberty; if not, you must be sent away to prison.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. Sir, said I, I shall not force or compel any man to +hear me; but yet, if I come into any place where there is a people met +together, I should, according to the best of my skill and wisdom, exhort +and counsel them to seek out after the Lord Jesus Christ, for the salvation +of their souls.<br> +<br> +<i>Fost</i>. He said, That was none of my work; I must follow +my calling; and if I would but leave off preaching, and follow my calling, +I should have the justice’s favour, and be acquitted presently.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. To whom I said, that I could follow my calling, and +that too, namely, preaching the Word: and I did look upon it as my duty +to do them both, as I had an opportunity.<br> +<br> +<i>Fost</i>. He said, To have any such meetings was against the +law; and, therefore, he would have me leave off, and say, I would call +the people no more together.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. To whom I said, that I durst not make any further +promise; for my conscience would not suffer me to do it. And again, +I did look upon it as my duty to do as much good as I could, not only +in my trade, but also in communicating to all people wheresoever I came +the best knowledge I had in the Word.<br> +<br> +<i>Fost</i>. He told me that I was the nearest the Papists of +any, and that he would convince me of immediately.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I asked him, Wherein?<br> +<br> +<i>Fost</i>. He said, In that we understood the Scriptures literally.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I told him that those that were to be understood literally, +we understood them so; but for those that was to be understood otherwise, +we endeavoured so to understand them.<br> +<br> +<i>Fost</i>. He said, Which of the Scriptures do you understand +literally?<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I said this, <i>He that believes shall be saved</i>. +This was to be understood just as it is spoken; that whosoever believeth +in Christ shall, according to the plain and simple words of the text, +be saved.<br> +<br> +<i>Fost</i>. He said that I was ignorant, and did not understand +the Scriptures; for how, said he, can you understand them when you know +not the original Greek? etc.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. To whom I said, that if that was his opinion, that +none could understand the Scriptures but those that had the original +Greek, etc., then but a very few of the poorest sort should be saved +(this is harsh); yet the Scripture saith, <i>That God hides</i> <i>these +things from the wise and prudent</i> (that is, from the learned of the +world), <i>and reveals them</i> <i>to babes and sucklings.<br> +<br> +Fost</i>. He said there were none that heard me but a company +of foolish people.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I told him that there was the wise as well as the +foolish that do hear me; and again, those that were most commonly counted +foolish by the world are the wisest before God; also, that God had rejected +the wise, and mighty, and noble, and chosen the foolish, and the base.<br> +<br> +<i>Fost</i>. He told me that I made people neglect their calling; +and that God had commanded people to work six days, and serve Him on +the seventh.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I told him that it was the duty of people, (both rich +and poor), to look out for their souls on them days as well as for their +bodies; and that God would have His people exhort one another daily, +while it is called to-day.<br> +<br> +<i>Fost</i>. He said again that there were none but a company +of poor, simple, ignorant people that come to hear me.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I told him that the foolish and the ignorant had most +need of teaching and information; and, therefore, it would be profitable +for me to go on in that work.<br> +<br> +<i>Fost</i>. Well, said he, to conclude, but will you promise +that you will not call the people together any more? and then you may +be released and go home.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I told him that I durst say no more than I had said; +for I durst not leave off that work which God had called me to.<br> +<br> +So he withdrew from me, and then came several of the justice’s +servants to me, and told me that I stood so much upon a nicety. +Their master, they said, was willing to let me go; and if I would but +say I would call the people no more together, I might have my liberty, +etc.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I told them there were more ways than one in which +a man might be said to call the people together. As for instance, +if a man get upon the market-place, and there read a book, or the like, +though he do not say to the people, Sirs, come hither and hear; yet +if they come to him because he reads, he, by his very reading, may be +said to call them together; because they would not have been there to +hear if he had not been there to read. And seeing this might be +termed a calling the people together; I durst not say, I would not call +them together; for then, by the same argument, my preaching might be +said to call them together.<br> +<br> +<i>Wing. and Fost</i>. Then came the justice and Mr Foster to +me again; (we had a little more discourse about preaching, but because +the method of it is out of my mind, I pass it); and when they saw that +I was at a point, and would not be moved nor persuaded, Mr Foster, the +man that did at first express so much love to me, told the justice that +then he must send me away to prison. And that he would do well, +also, if he would present all those that were the cause of my coming +among them to meetings. Thus we parted.<br> +<br> +And, verily, as I was going forth of the doors, I had much ado to forbear +saying to them that I carried the peace of God along with me; but I +held my peace, and, blessed be the Lord, went away to prison, with God’s +comfort in my poor soul.<br> +<br> +After I had lain in the jail five or six days, the brethren sought means, +again, to get me out by bondsmen; (for so ran my mittimus, that I should +lie there till I could find sureties). They went to a justice +at Elstow, one Mr Crumpton, to desire him to take bond for my appearing +at the quarter sessions. At the first he told them he would; but +afterwards he made a demur at the business, and desired first to see +my mittimus, which ran to this purpose: That I went about to several +conventicles in the county, to the great disparagement of the government +of the church of England, etc. When he had seen it, he said that +there might be something more against me than was expressed in my mittimus; +and that he was but a young man, therefore he durst not do it. +This my jailor told me; and, whereat I was not at all daunted but rather +glad, and saw evidently that the Lord had heard me; for before I went +down to the justice, I begged of God that if I might do more good by +being at liberty than in prison, that then I might be set at liberty; +but if not, His will be done; for I was not altogether without hopes +but that my imprisonment might be an awakening to the saints in the +country, therefore I could not tell well which to choose; only I, in +that manner, did commit the thing to God. And verily, at my return, +I did meet my God sweetly in the prison again, comforting of me and +satisfying of me that it was His will and mind that I should be there.<br> +<br> +When I came back again to prison, as I was musing at the slender answer +of the justice, this word dropt in upon my heart with some life, <i>For</i> +<i>He knew that for envy they had delivered Him.<br> +<br> +</i>Thus have I, in short, declared the manner and occasion of my being +in prison; where I lie waiting the good will of God, to do with me as +He pleaseth; knowing that not one hair of my head can fall to the ground +without the will of my Father, which is in heaven. Let the rage +and malice of men be never so great, they can do no more, nor go any +further, than God permits them; but when they have done their worst, +We know all things shall work together for good to them that love God.<br> +<br> +Farewell.<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<i>Here is the Sum of my Examination before Justice</i> KEELIN<i>, Justice</i> +CHESTER<i>, Justice</i> BLUNDALE, <i>Justice</i> BEECHER, <i>Justice</i> +SNAGG, <i>etc.<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +</i>After I had lain in prison above seven weeks, the quarter-sessions +were to be kept in Bedford, for the county thereof, unto which I was +to be brought; and when my jailor had set me before those justices, +there was a bill of indictment preferred against me. The extent +thereof was as followeth: That John Bunyan, of the town of Bedford, +labourer, being a person of such and such conditions, he hath (since +such a time) devilishly and perniciously abstained from coming to church +to hear Divine service, and is a common upholder of several unlawful +meetings and conventicles, to the great disturbance and distraction +of the good subjects of this kingdom, contrary to the laws of our sovereign +lord the King, etc.<br> +<br> +<i>The Clerk</i>. When this was read, the clerk of the sessions +said unto me, What say you to this?<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I said, that as to the first part of it, I was a common +frequenter of the Church of God. And was also, by grace, a member +with the people, over whom Christ is the Head.<br> +<br> +<i>Keelin</i>. But, saith Justice <i>Keelin</i> (who was the judge +in that court), do you come to church (you know what I mean); to the +parish church, to hear Divine service?<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I answered, No, I did not.<br> +<br> +<i>Keel</i>. He asked me, Why?<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I said, Because I did not find it commanded in the +Word of God.<br> +<br> +<i>Keel</i>. He said, We were commanded to pray.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I said, But not by the Common Prayer-Book.<br> +<br> +<i>Keel</i>. He said, How then?<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I said, With the Spirit. As the apostle saith, +<i>I will pray with the Spirit, and with the</i> <i>understanding</i>. +1 Cor. xiv. 15.<br> +<br> +<i>Keel</i>. He said, We might pray with the Spirit, and with +the understanding, and with the Common Prayer-Book also.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I said, that the prayers in the Common Prayer-Book +were such as was made by other men, and not by the motions of the Holy +Ghost, within our hearts; and as I said, the apostle saith, he will +pray with the Spirit, and with the understanding; not with the Spirit +and the Common Prayer-Book.<br> +<br> +<i>Another Justice</i>. What do you count prayer? Do you +think it is to say a few words over before or among a people?<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I said, No, not so; for men might have many elegant, +or excellent words, and yet not pray at all; but when a man prayeth, +he doth, through a sense of those things which he wants (which sense +is begotten by the Spirit), pour out his heart before God through Christ; +though his words be not so many and so excellent as others are.<br> +<br> +<i>Justices</i>. They said, That was true.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I said, This might be done without the Common Prayer-Book.<br> +<br> +<i>Another</i>. One of them said (I think it was Justice <i>Blundale</i>, +or Justice <i>Snagg</i>), How should we know that you do not write out +your prayers first, and then read them afterwards to the people? +This he spake in a laughing way.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I said, it is not our use, to take a pen and paper, +and write a few words thereon, and then go and read it over to a company +of people.<br> +<br> +But how should we know it, said he?<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. Sir, it is none of our custom, said I.<br> +<br> +<i>Keel</i>. But said Justice <i>Keelin</i>, It is lawful to use +the Common Prayer, and such like forms: for Christ taught His disciples +to pray, as John also taught his disciples. And further, said +he, Cannot one man teach another to pray? Faith comes by hearing; +and one man may convince another of sin, and therefore prayers made +by men, and read over, are good to teach, and help men to pray.<br> +<br> +While he was speaking these words, God brought that word into my mind, +in the eighth of the Romans, at the 26th verse. I say, God brought +it, for I thought not on it before: but as he was speaking, it came +so fresh into my mind, and was set so evidently before me, as if the +scripture had said, Take me, take me; so when he had done speaking,<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I said, Sir, the scripture saith, that <i>it is the +spirit that helpeth our infirmities</i>; for we know not what we should +pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for +us, with sighs and groanings which cannot be uttered. Mark, said +I, it doth not say the Common Prayer-Book teacheth us how to pray, but +the Spirit. And it is <i>the Spirit that helpeth our infirmities</i>, +saith the apostle; he doth not say it is the Common Prayer-Book.<br> +<br> +And as to the Lord’s prayer, although it be an easy thing to say, +<i>Our Father</i>, etc., with the mouth; yet there is very few that +can, in the Spirit, say the two first words in that prayer; that is, +that can call God their Father, as knowing what it is to be born again, +and as having experience, that they are begotten of the Spirit of God: +which if they do not, all is but babbling, etc.<br> +<br> +<i>Keel</i>. Justice <i>Keelin</i> said that that was a truth.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. And I say further, as to your saying that one man +may convince another of sin, and that faith comes by hearing, and that +one man may tell another how he should pray, etc., I say men may tell +each other of their sins, but it is the Spirit that must convince them.<br> +<br> +And though it be said that <i>faith comes by hearing</i>: yet it is +the Spirit that worketh faith in the heart through hearing, or else +<i>they are not profited</i> <i>by hearing</i>. Heb. iv. 12.<br> +<br> +And that though one man may tell another how he should pray: yet, as +I said before, he cannot pray, nor make his condition known to God, +except the Spirit help. It is not the Common Prayer-Book that +can do this. It is the <i>Spirit that</i> <i>showeth us our sins</i>, +and the <i>Spirit that showeth us</i> <i>a Saviour</i>, Jn. xvi. 16, +and the Spirit that stirreth up in our hearts desires to come to God, +for such things as we stand in need of, Matt. xi. 27, even sighing out +our souls unto Him for them with <i>groans which cannot be uttered</i>. +With other words to the same purpose. At this they were set.<br> +<br> +<i>Keel</i>. But says Justice <i>Keelin</i>, What have you against +the Common Prayer-Book?<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I said, Sir, if you will hear me, I shall lay down +my reasons against it.<br> +<br> +<i>Keel</i>. He said I should have liberty; but first, said he, +let me give you one caution; take heed of speaking irreverently of the +Common Prayer-Book; for if you do so, you will bring great damage upon +yourself.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. So I proceeded, and said, My first reason was, because +it was not commanded in the Word of God, and therefore I could not use +it.<br> +<br> +<i>Another</i>. One of them said, Where do you find it commanded +in the Scripture, that you should go to <i>Elstow</i>, or <i>Bedford</i>, +and yet it is lawful to go to either of them, is it not?<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I said, To go to <i>Elstow</i>, or <i>Bedford</i>, +was a civil thing, and not material, though not commanded, and yet God’s +Word allowed me to go about my calling, and therefore if it lay there, +then to go thither, etc. But to pray, was a great part of the +Divine worship of God, and therefore it ought to be done according to +the rule of God’s Word.<br> +<br> + <i>Another</i>. One of them said, He will do harm; let him +speak no further.<br> +<br> +<i>Keel</i>. Justice <i>Keelin</i> said, No, no, never fear him, +we are better established than so; he can do no harm; we know the Common +Prayer-Book hath been ever since the apostles’ time, and it is +lawful for it to be used in the church.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I said, Show me the place in the epistles, where the +Common Prayer-Book is written, or one text of Scripture, that commands +me to read it, and I will use it. But yet, notwithstanding, said +I, they that have a mind to use it, they have their liberty; that is, +I would not keep them from it; but for our parts, we can pray to God +without it. Blessed be His name!<br> +<br> +With that, one of them said, Who is your God? Beelzebub? +Moreover, they often said, that I was possessed with the spirit of delusion, +and of the devil. All which sayings I passed over; the Lord forgive +them! And further, I said, Blessed be the Lord for it; we are +encouraged to meet together, and to pray, and exhort one another; for, +we have had the comfortable presence of God among us. For ever +blessed be His holy name!<br> +<br> +<i>Keel</i>. Justice <i>Keelin</i> called this pedler’s +French, saying, that I must leave off my canting. The Lord open +his eyes!<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I said that we ought to exhort one another daily, +while it is called to-day, etc.<br> +<br> +<i>Keel</i>. Justice <i>Keelin</i> said that I ought not to preach; +and asked me where I had my authority? with other such like words.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I said that I would prove that it was lawful for me, +and such as I am, to preach the Word of God.<br> +<br> +<i>Keel</i>. He said unto me, By what Scripture?<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I said, By that in the first epistle of Peter, chap. +iv. 10, 11, and Acts xviii., with other Scriptures, which he would not +suffer me to mention. But said, Hold; not so many, which is the +first?<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I said this:<i> As every man</i> <i>hath received +the gift, even so let him minister the</i> <i>same unto another, as +good stewards of the manifold grace of God. If any man speak, +let him speak as the</i> <i>oracles of God, etc.<br> +<br> +Keel</i>. He said, Let me a little open that Scripture to you: +<i>As every man hath received the gift</i>; that is, said he, as every +one hath received a trade, so let him follow it. If any man have +received a gift of tinkering, as thou hast done, let him follow his +tinkering. And so other men their trades. And the divine +his calling, etc.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. Nay, sir, said I, but it is most clear, that the apostle +speaks here of preaching the Word; if you do but compare both the verses +together, the next verse explains this gift what it is, saying, <i>if +any man speak, let him speak as the oracles of God</i>. So that +it is plain, that the Holy Ghost doth not so much in this place exhort +to civil callings, as to the exercising of those gifts that we have +received from God. I would have gone on, but he would not give +me leave.<br> +<br> +<i>Keel</i>. He said, We might do it in our families, but not +otherways.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I said, If it was lawful to do good to some, it was +lawful to do good to more. If it was a good duty to exhort our +families, it was good to exhort others; but if they held it a sin to +meet together to seek the face of God, and exhort one another to follow +Christ, I should sin still; for so we should do.<br> +<br> +<i>Keel</i>. He said he was not so well versed in Scripture as +to dispute, or words to that purpose. And said, moreover, that +they could not wait upon me any longer; but said to me, Then you confess +the indictment, do you not? Now, and not till now, I saw I was +indicted.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I said, This I confess, we have had many meetings +together, both to pray to God, and to exhort one another, and that we +had the sweet comforting presence of the Lord among us for our encouragement; +blessed be His name therefore. I confessed myself guilty no otherwise.<br> +<br> +<i>Keel</i>. Then, said he, bear your judgment. You must +be had back again to prison, and there lie for three months following; +and at three months’ end, if you do not submit to go to church +to hear Divine service, and leave your preaching, you must be banished +the realm: and if, after such a day as shall be appointed you to be +gone, you shall be found in this realm, etc., or be found to come over +again without special licence from the king, etc., you must stretch +by the neck for it, I tell you plainly: and so he bid my jailor have +me away.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I told him, as to this matter, I was at a point with +him; for if I were out of prison to-day, I would preach the Gospel again +to-morrow, by the help of God.<br> +<br> +<i>Another</i>. To which one made me some answer: but my jailor +pulling me away to be gone, I could not tell what he said.<br> +<br> +Thus I departed from them; and I can truly say, I bless the Lord <i>Jesus +Christ</i> for it, that my heart was sweetly refreshed in the time of +my examination, and also afterwards, at my returning to the prison. +So that I found Christ’s words more than bare trifles, where He +saith, <i>I will give you a</i> <i>mouth and wisdom, which all your +adversaries shall</i> <i>not be able to gainsay, nor resist</i>. +Luke xxi. 15. And that His peace no man can take from us.<br> +<br> +Thus have I given you the substance of my examination. The Lord +make this profitable to all that shall read or hear it. Farewell.<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<i>The Substance of some Discourse had between the Clerk of the Peace +and myself; when he came to admonish me, according to the tenor of that +Law, by which I was in prison.<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +</i>When I had lain in prison other twelve weeks, and now not knowing +what they intended to do with me, upon the third of April 1661, comes +Mr Cobb unto me (as he told me), being sent by the justices to admonish +me; and demand of me submittance to the church of England, etc. +The extent of our discourse was as followeth.<br> +<br> +<i>Cobb</i>. When he was come into the house he sent for me out +of my chamber; who, when I was come unto him, he said, Neighbour <i>Bunyan</i>, +how do you do?<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I thank you, Sir, said I, very well, blessed be the +Lord.<br> +<br> +<i>Cobb</i>. Saith he, I come to tell you, that it is desired +you would submit yourself to the laws of the land, or else at the next +sessions it will go worse with you, even to be sent away out of the +nation, or else worse than that.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I said that I did desire to demean myself in the world, +both as becometh a man and a Christian.<br> +<br> +<i>Cobb</i>. But, saith he, you must submit to the laws of the +land, and leave off those meetings which you was wont to have; for the +statute-law is directly against it; and I am sent to you by the justices +to tell you that they do intend to prosecute the law against you if +you submit not.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I said, Sir, I conceive that that law by which I am +in prison at this time, doth not reach or condemn either me, or the +meetings which I do frequent; that law was made against those, that +being designed to do evil in their meetings, making the exercise of +religion their pretence, to cover their wickedness. It doth not +forbid the private meetings of those that plainly and simply make it +their only end to worship the Lord, and to exhort one another to edification. +My end in meeting with others is simply to do as much good as I can, +by exhortation and counsel, according to that small measure of light +which God hath given me, and not to disturb the peace of the nation.<br> +<br> +<i>Cobb</i>. Every one will say the same, said he; you see the +late insurrection at <i>London</i>, under what glorious pretences they +went; and yet, indeed, they intended no less than the ruin of the kingdom +and commonwealth.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. That practice of theirs, I abhor, said I; yet it doth +not follow that, because they did so, therefore all others will do so. +I look upon it as my duty to behave myself under the King’s government, +both as becomes a man and a Christian, and if an occasion were offered +me, I should willingly manifest my loyalty to my Prince, both by word +and deed.<br> +<br> +<i>Cobb</i>. Well, said he, I do not profess myself to be a man +that can dispute; but this I say, truly, neighbour <i>Bunyan</i>, I +would have you consider this matter seriously, and submit yourself; +you may have your liberty to exhort your neighbour in private discourse, +so be you do not call together an assembly of people; and, truly, you +may do much good to the church of Christ, if you would go this way; +and this you may do, and the law not abridge you of it. It is +your private meetings that the law is against.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. Sir, said I, if I may do good to one by my discourse? +why may I not do good to two? And if to two, why not to four, +and so to eight? etc.<br> +<br> +<i>Cobb</i>. Ay, saith he, and to a hundred, I warrant you.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. Yes, Sir, said I, I think I should not be forbid to +do as much good as I can.<br> +<br> +<i>Cobb</i>. But, saith he, you may but pretend to do good, and +instead, notwithstanding, do harm, by seducing the people; you are, +therefore, denied your meeting so many together, lest you should do +harm.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. And yet, said I, you say the law tolerates me to discourse +with my neighbour; surely there is no law tolerates me seduce any one; +therefore if I may by the law discourse with one, surely it is to do +him good; and if I by discoursing may do good to one, surely, by the +same law, I may do good to many.<br> +<br> +<i>Cobb</i>. The law, saith he, doth expressly forbid your private +meetings; therefore they are not to be tolerated.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I told him that I would not entertain so much uncharitableness +of that Parliament in the 35th of <i>Elizabeth</i>, or of the Queen +herself, as to think they did, by that law, intend the oppressing of +any of God’s ordinances, or the interrupting any in way of God; +but men may, in the wresting of it, turn it against the way of God; +but take the law in itself, and it only fighteth against those that +drive at mischief in their hearts and meeting, making religion only +their cloak, colour, or pretence; for so are the words of the statute: +<i>If any</i> <i>meetings, under colour or pretence of religion, etc.<br> +<br> +Cobb</i>. Very good; therefore the king, seeing that pretences +are usually in and among people, so as to make religion their pretence +only; therefore he, and the law before him, doth forbid such private +meetings, and tolerates only public; you may meet in public.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. Sir, said I, let me answer you in a similitude: Set +the case that, at such a wood corner, there did usually come forth thieves, +to do mischief; must there therefore a law be made, that every one that +cometh out there shall be killed? May not there come out true +men as well as thieves out from thence? Just thus is it in this +case; I do think there may be many that may design the destruction of +the commonwealth; but it doth not follow therefore that all private +meetings are unlawful; those that transgress, let them be punished. +And if at any time I myself should do any act in my conversation as +doth not become a man and Christian, let me bear the punishment. +And as for your saying I may meet in public, if I may be suffered, I +would gladly do it. Let me have but meeting enough in public, +and I shall care the less to have them in private. I do not meet +in private because I am afraid to have meetings in public. I bless +the Lord that my heart is at that point, that if any man can lay any +thing to my charge, either in doctrine or in practice, in this particular, +that can be proved error or heresy, I am willing to disown it, even +in the very market-place; but if it be truth, then to stand to it to +the last drop of my blood. And, Sir, said I, you ought to commend +me for so doing. To err and to be a heretic are two things; I +am no heretic, because I will not stand refractorily to defend any one +thing that is contrary to the Word. Prove any thing which I hold +to be an error, and I will recant it.<br> +<br> +<i>Cobb</i>. But, goodman <i>Bunyan</i>, said he, methinks you +need not stand so strictly upon this one thing, as to have meetings +of such public assemblies. Cannot you submit, and, notwithstanding, +do as much good as you can, in a neighbourly way, without having such +meetings?<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. Truly, Sir, said I, I do not desire to commend myself, +but to think meanly of myself; yet when I do most despise myself, taking +notice of that small measure of light which God hath given me, also +that the people of the Lord (by their own saying), are edified thereby. +Besides, when I see that the Lord, through grace, hath in some measure +blessed my labour, I dare not but exercise that gift which God hath +given me for the good of the people. And I said further, that +I would willingly speak in public if I might.<br> +<br> +<i>Cobb</i>. He said, that I might come to the public assemblies +and hear. What though you do not preach? you may hear. Do +not think yourself so well enlightened, and that you have received a +gift so far above others, but that you may hear other men preach. +Or to that purpose.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I told him, I was as willing to be taught as to give +instruction, and I looked upon it as my duty to do both; for, said I, +a man that is a teacher, he himself may learn also from another that +teacheth, as the apostle saith, <i>We may all prophesy one by one, that +all may learn</i>. 1 Cor. xiv. 31. That is, every man that +hath received a gift from God, he may dispense it, that others may be +comforted; and when he hath done, he may hear and learn, and be comforted +himself of others.<br> +<br> +<i>Cobb</i>. But, said he, what if you should forbear awhile, +and sit still, till you see further how things will go?<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. Sir, said I, <i>Wickliffe</i> saith, that he which +leaveth off preaching and hearing of the Word of God for fear of excommunication +of men, he is already excommunicated of God, and shall in the day of +judgment be counted a traitor to Christ.<br> +<br> +<i>Cobb</i>. Ay, saith he, they that do not hear shall be so counted +indeed; do you, therefore, hear?<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. But, Sir, said I, he saith, he that shall leave off +either preaching or hearing, etc. That is, if he hath received +a gift for edification, it is his sin, if he doth not lay it out in +a way of exhortation and counsel, according to the proportion of his +gift; as well as to spend his time altogether in hearing others preach.<br> +<br> +<i>Cobb</i>. But, said he, how shall we know that you have received +a gift?<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. Said I, Let any man hear and search, and prove the +doctrine by the Bible.<br> +<br> +<i>Cobb</i>. But will you be willing, said he, that two indifferent +persons shall determine the case; and will you stand by their judgment?<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I said, Are they infallible?<br> +<br> +<i>Cobb</i>. He said, No.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. Then, said I, it is possible my judgment may be as +good as theirs. But yet I will pass by either, and in this matter +be judged by the Scriptures; I am sure that is infallible, and cannot +err.<br> +<br> +<i>Cobb</i>. But, said he, who shall be judge between you, for +you take the Scriptures one way, and they another?<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I said the Scripture should: and that by comparing +one Scripture with another; for that will open itself, if it be rightly +compared. As for instance, if under the different apprehensions +of the word <i>Mediator</i>, you would know the truth of it, the Scriptures +open it, and tell us that he that is a mediator must take up the business +between two, and a mediator is not a mediator of one, - <i>but God is +one, and there is one Mediator</i> <i>between God and men, even the +man Christ Jesus</i>. Gal. iii. 20; 1 Tim. ii. 5. So likewise +the Scripture calleth Christ a <i>complete</i>, or perfect, or able +<i>high</i> <i>priest</i>. That is opened in that He is called +man, and also God. His blood also is discovered to be effectually +efficacious by the same things. So the Scripture, as touching +the matter of meeting together, etc., doth likewise sufficiently open +itself and discover its meaning.<br> +<br> +<i>Cobb</i>. But are you willing, said he, to stand to the judgment +of the church?<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. Yes, Sir, said I, to the approbation of the church +of God; (the church’s judgment is best expressed in Scripture). +We had much other discourse which I cannot well remember, about the +laws of the nation, and submission to governments; to which I did tell +him, that I did look upon myself as bound in conscience to walk according +to all righteous laws, and that, whether there was a king or no; and +if I did any thing that was contrary, I did hold it my duty to bear +patiently the penalty of the law, that was provided against such offenders; +with many more words to the like effect. And said, moreover, that +to cut off all occasions of suspicion from any, as touching the harmlessness +of my doctrine in private, I would willingly take the pains to give +any one the notes of all my sermons; for I do sincerely desire to live +quietly in my country, and to submit to the present authority.<br> +<br> +<i>Cobb</i>. Well, neighbour <i>Bunyan</i>, said he, but indeed +I would wish you seriously to consider of these things, between this +and the quarter-sessions, and to submit yourself. You may do much +good if you continue still in the land; but alas, what benefit will +it be to your friends, or what good can you do to them, if you should +be sent away beyond the seas into <i>Spain</i>, or <i>Constantinople</i>, +or some other remote part of the world? Pray be ruled.<br> +<br> +<i>Jailor</i>. Indeed, Sir, I hope he will be ruled.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I shall desire, said I, in all honesty to behave myself +in the nation, whilst I am in it. And if I must be so dealt withal, +as you say, I hope God will help me to bear what they shall lay upon +me. I know no evil that I have done in this matter, to be so used. +I speak as in the presence of God.<br> +<br> +<i>Cobb</i>. You know, saith he, that the Scripture saith, <i>the +powers that be, are ordained of God.<br> +<br> +Bun</i>. I said, Yes, and that I was to submit to the King as +supreme, and also to the governors, as to them who are sent by Him.<br> +<br> +<i>Cobb</i>. Well then, said he, the King then commands you, that +you should not have any private meetings; because it is against his +law, and he is ordained of God, therefore you should not have any.<br> +<br> +<i>Bun</i>. I told him that <i>Paul</i> did own the powers that +were in his day, to be of God; and yet he was often in prison under +them for all that. And also, though <i>Jesus Christ</i> told<i> +Pilate</i>, that He had no power against him, but of God, yet He died +under the same <i>Pilate</i>; and yet, said I, I hope you will not say +that either <i>Paul</i>, or Christ, were such as did deny magistracy, +and so sinned against God in slighting the ordinance. Sir, said +I, the law hath provided two ways of obeying: the one to do that which +I, in my conscience, do believe that I am bound to do, actively; and +where I cannot obey actively, there I am willing to lie down, and to +suffer what they shall do unto me. At this he sat still, and said +no more; which when he had done, I did thank him for his civil and meek +discoursing with me; and so we parted.<br> +<br> +O! that we might meet in heaven!<br> +<br> +Farewell. J. B.<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<i>Here followeth a discourse between my Wife and the Judges, with others, +touching my Deliverance at the Assizes following; the which I took from +her own Mouth.<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +</i>After that I had received this sentence of banishing, or hanging, +from them, and after the former admonition, touching the determination +of the justices if I did not recant; just when the time drew nigh, in +which I should have abjured, or have done worse (as Mr Cobb told me), +came the time in which the King was to be crowned. Now, at the +coronation of kings, there is usually a releasement of divers prisoners, +by virtue of his coronation; in which privilege also I should have had +my share; but that they took me for a convicted person, and therefore, +unless I sued out a pardon (as they called it), I could have no benefit +thereby, notwithstanding, yet, forasmuch as the coronation proclamation +did give liberty, from the day the King was crowned, to that day twelvemonth, +to sue them out; therefore, though they would not let me out of prison, +as they let out thousands, yet they could not meddle with me, as touching +the execution of their sentence; because of the liberty offered for +the suing out of pardons. Whereupon I continued in prison till +the next assizes, which are called <i>Midsummer assizes</i>, being then +kept in <i>August</i>, 1661.<br> +<br> +Now, at that assizes, because I would not leave any possible means unattempted +that might be lawful, I did, by my wife, present a petition to the judges +three times, that I might be heard, and that they would impartially +take my case into consideration.<br> +<br> +The first time my wife went, she presented it to Judge <i>Hale</i>, +who very mildly received it at her hand, telling her that he would do +her and me the best good he could; but he feared, he said, he could +do none. The next day, again, lest they should, through the multitude +of business, forget me, we did throw another petition into the coach +to Judge <i>Twisdon</i>; who, when he had seen it, snapt her up, and +angrily told her that I was a convicted person, and could not be released, +unless I would promise to preach no more, etc.<br> +<br> +Well, after this, she yet again presented another to judge Hale, as +he sat on the bench, who, as it seemed, was willing to give her audience. +Only Justice <i>Chester</i> being present, stept up and said, that I +was convicted in the court, and that I was a hot-spirited fellow (or +words to that purpose), whereat he waived it, and did not meddle therewith. +But yet, my wife being encouraged by the high-sheriff, did venture once +more into their presence (as the poor widow did before the unjust judge) +to try what she could do with them for my liberty, before they went +forth of the town. The place where she went to them, was to the +<i>Swan-chamber</i>, where the two judges, and many justices and gentry +of the country, was in company together. She then coming into +the chamber with a bashed face, and a trembling heart, began her errand +to them in this manner:-<br> +<br> +<i>Woman</i>. My lord (directing herself to judge Hale), I make +bold to come once again to your Lordship, to know what may be done with +my husband.<br> +<br> +<i>Judge Hale</i>. To whom he said, Woman, I told thee before +I could do thee no good; because they have taken that for a conviction +which thy husband spoke at the sessions: and unless there be something +done to undo that, I can do thee no good.<br> +<br> +<i>Woman</i>. My lord, said she, he is kept unlawfully in prison; +they clapped him up before there was any proclamation against the meetings; +the indictment also is false. Besides, they never asked him whether +he was guilty or no; neither did he confess the indictment.<br> +<br> +<i>One of the Justices</i>. Then one of the justices that stood +by, whom she knew not, said, My Lord, he was lawfully convicted.<br> +<br> +<i>Wom</i>. It is false, said she; for when they said to him, +Do you confess the indictment? he said only this, that he had been at +several meetings, both where there were preaching the Word, and prayer, +and that they had God’s presence among them.<br> +<br> +<i>Judge Twisdon</i>. Whereat Judge <i>Twisdon</i> answered very +angrily, saying, What, you think we can do what we list; your husband +is a breaker of the peace, and is convicted by the law, etc. Whereupon +Judge <i>Hale</i> called for the Statute Book.<br> +<br> +<i>Wom</i>. But, said she, my lord, he was not lawfully convicted.<br> +<br> +<i>Chester</i>. Then Justice <i>Chester</i> said, My lord, he +was lawfully convicted.<br> +<br> +<i>Wom</i>. It is false, said she; it was but a word of discourse +that they took for a conviction (as you heard before).<br> +<br> +<i>Chest</i>. But it is recorded, woman; it is recorded, said +Justice <i>Chester</i>; as if it must be of necessity true, because +it was recorded. With which words he often endeavoured to stop +her mouth, having no other argument to convince her, but it is recorded, +it is recorded.<br> +<br> +<i>Wom</i>. My Lord, said she, I was a while since at <i>London</i>, +to see if I could get my husband’s liberty; and there I spoke +with my lord <i>Barkwood</i>, one of the House of Lords, to whom I delivered +a petition, who took it of me and presented it to some of the rest of +the House of Lords, for my husband’s releasement; who, when they +had seen it, they said, that they could not release him, but had committed +his releasement to the judges, at the next assizes. This he told +me; and now I am come to you to see if any thing may be done in this +business, and you give neither releasement nor relief. To which +they gave her no answer, but made as if they heard her not.<br> +<br> +<i>Chest</i>. Only Justice <i>Chester</i> was often up with this, +- He is convicted, and it is recorded.<br> +<br> +<i>Wom</i>. If it be, it is false, said she.<br> +<br> +<i>Chest</i>. My lord, said Justice <i>Chester</i>, he is a pestilent +fellow, there is not such a fellow in the country again.<br> +<br> +<i>Twis</i>. What, will your husband leave preaching? If +he will do so, then send for him.<br> +<br> +<i>Wom</i>. My lord, said she, he dares not leave preaching as +long as he can speak.<br> +<br> +<i>Twis</i>. See here, what should we talk any more about such +a fellow? Must he do what he lists? He is a breaker of the +peace.<br> +<br> +<i>Wom</i>. She told him again, that he desired to live peaceably, +and to follow his calling, that his family might be maintained; and +moreover, said, My Lord, I have four small children, that cannot help +themselves, one of which is blind, and have nothing to live upon, but +the charity of good people.<br> +<br> +<i>Hale</i>. Hast thou four children? said Judge Hale; thou art +but a young woman to have four children.<br> +<br> +<i>Wom</i>. My lord, said she, I am but mother-in-law to them, +having not been married to him yet full two years. Indeed, I was +with child when my husband was first apprehended; but being young, and +unaccustomed to such things, said she, I being smayed at the news, fell +into labour, and so continued for eight days, and then was delivered, +but my child died.<br> +<br> +<i>Hale</i>. Whereat, he looking very soberly on the matter, said, +Alas, poor woman!<br> +<br> +<i>Twis</i>. But Judge <i>Twisdon</i> told her, that she made +poverty her cloak; and said, moreover, that he understood I was maintained +better by running up and down a preaching, than by following my calling.<br> +<br> +<i>Hale</i>. What is his calling? said Judge Hale.<br> +<br> +<i>Answer</i>. Then some of the company that stood by, said, A +tinker, my lord.<br> +<br> +<i>Wom</i>. Yes, said she; and because he is a tinker, and a poor +man, therefore he is despised, and cannot have justice.<br> +<br> +<i>Hale</i>. Then Judge <i>Hale</i> answered very mildly, saying, +I tell thee, woman, seeing it is so, that they have taken what thy husband +spake for a conviction; thou must either apply thyself to the King, +or sue out his pardon, or get a writ of error.<br> +<br> +<i>Chest</i>. But when Justice <i>Chester</i> heard him give her +this counsel; and especially (as she supposed) because he spoke of a +writ of error, he chafed, and seemed to be very much offended; saying, +My lord, he will preach and do what he lists.<br> +<br> +<i>Wom</i>. He preacheth nothing but the Word of God, said she.<br> +<br> +<i>Twis</i>. He preach the Word of God! said Twisdon; and withal, +she thought he would have struck her; he runneth up and down, and doth +harm.<br> +<br> +<i>Wom</i>. No, my lord, said she, it is not so; God hath owned +him, and done much good by him.<br> +<br> +<i>Twis</i>. God! said he, his doctrine is the doctrine of the +devil.<br> +<br> +<i>Wom</i>. My lord, said she, when the righteous Judge shall +appear, it will be known that his doctrine is not the doctrine of the +devil.<br> +<br> +<i>Twis</i>. My lord, said he, to Judge Hale, do not mind her, +but send her away.<br> +<br> +<i>Hale</i>. Then said Judge Hale, I am sorry, woman, that I can +do thee no good; thou must do one of those three things aforesaid, namely, +either to apply thyself to the King, or sue out his pardon, or get a +writ of error; but a writ of error will be cheapest.<br> +<br> +<i>Wom</i>. At which Chester again seemed to be in a chafe, and +put off his hat, and as she thought, scratched his head for anger: but +when I saw, said she, that there was no prevailing to have my husband +sent for, though I often desired them that they would send for him, +that he might speak for himself; telling them, that he could give them +better satisfaction than I could, in what they demanded of him, with +several other things, which now I forget; only this I remember, that +though I was somewhat timorous at my first entrance into the chamber, +yet before I went out, I could not but break forth into tears, not so +much because they were so hard-hearted against me, and my husband, but +to think what a sad account such poor creatures will have to give at +the coming of the Lord, when they shall there answer for all things +whatsoever they have done in the body, whether it be good, or whether +it be bad.<br> +<br> +So, when I departed from them, the book of statutes was brought, but +what they said of it I know nothing at all, neither did I hear any more +from them.<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<i>Some Carriages of the Adversaries of God’s Truth with me at +the next Assizes, which was on the</i> 19<i>th of the first month</i>, +1662.<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +I shall pass by what befell between these two assizes, how I had, by +my jailor, some liberty granted me, more than at the first, and how +I followed my wonted course of preaching, taking all occasions that +were put into my hand to visit the people of God; exhorting them to +be steadfast in the faith of Jesus Christ, and to take heed that they +touched not the Common Prayer, etc., but to mind the Word of God, which +giveth direction to Christians in every point, being able to make the +man of God perfect in all things through faith in Jesus Christ, and +thoroughly to furnish him unto all good works. 2 Tim. iii. 17. +Also how I having, I say, somewhat more liberty, did go to see the Christians +at <i>London</i>; which my enemies hearing of, were so angry, that they +had almost cast my jailor out of his place, threatening to indict him, +and to do what they could against him. They charged me also, that +I went thither to plot and raise division, and make insurrection, which, +God knows, was a slander; whereupon my liberty was more straitened than +it was before; so that I must not now look out of the door. Well, +when the next sessions came, which was about the 10th of the 11th month +(1661), I did expect to have been very roundly dealt withal; but they +passed me by, and would not call me, so that I rested till the assizes, +which was held the 19th of the first month (1662) following; and when +they came, because I had a desire to come before the judge, I desired +my jailor to put my name into the calendar among the felons, and made +friends of the judge and high-sheriff, who promised that I should be +called: so that I thought what I had done might have been effectual +for the obtaining of my desire: but all was in vain; for when the assizes +came, though my name was in the calendar, and also though both the judge +and sheriff had promised that I should appear before them, yet the justices +and the clerk of the peace, did so work it about, that I, notwithstanding, +was deferred, and was not suffered to appear: and although I say, I +do not know of all their carriages towards me, yet this I know, that +the clerk of the peace (Mr Cobb) did discover himself to be one of my +greatest opposers: for, first he came to my jailor and told him that +I must not go down before the judge, and therefore must not be put into +the calendar; to whom my jailor said, that my name was in already. +He bid him put it out again; my jailor told him that he could not: for +he had given the judge a calendar with my name in it, and also the sheriff +another. At which he was very much displeased, and desired to +see that calendar that was yet in my jailor’s hand, who, when +he had given it him, he looked on it, and said it was a false calendar; +he also took the calendar and blotted out my accusation, as my jailor +had written it (which accusation I cannot tell what it was, because +it was so blotted out), and he himself put in words to this purpose: +That John Bunyan was committed to prison; being lawfully convicted for +upholding of unlawful meetings and conventicles, etc. But yet +for all this, fearing that what he had done, unless he added thereto, +it would not do, he first ran to the clerk of the assizes; then to the +justices, and afterwards, because he would not leave any means unattempted +to hinder me, he came again to my jailor, and told him, that if I did +go down before the judge, and was released, he would make him pay my +fees, which he said was due to him; and further, told him, that he would +complain of him at the next quarter sessions for making of false calendars, +though my jailor himself, as I afterwards learned, had put in my accusation +worse than in itself it was by far. And thus was I hindered and +prevented at that time also from appearing before the judge: and left +in prison.<br> +<br> +Farewell.<br> +<br> +JOHN BUNYAN.<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<i>A Continuation of</i> Mr BUNYAN’S LIFE; <i>beginning where +he left off, and concluding with the Time and Manner of his Death and +Burial: together with his true Character, etc.<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +</i>Reader, the painful and industrious author of this book, has already +given you a faithful and very moving relation of the beginning and middle +of the days of his pilgrimage on earth; and since there yet remains +somewhat worthy of notice and regard, which occurred in the last scene +of his life, the which, for want of time, or fear, some over-censorious +people should impute it to him as an earnest coveting of praise from +men, he has not left behind him in writing. Wherefore, as a true +friend, and long acquaintance of Mr <i>Bunyan’s</i> that his good +end may be known, as well as his evil beginning, I have taken upon me, +from my knowledge, and the best account given by other of his friends, +to piece this to the thread too soon broke off, and so lengthen it out +to his entering upon eternity.<br> +<br> +He has told you at large, of his birth and education; the evil habits +and corruptions of his youth; the temptations he struggled and conflicted +so frequently with, the mercies, comforts, and deliverances he found, +how he came to take upon him the preaching of the Gospel; the slanders, +reproaches and imprisonments that attended him, and the progress he +notwithstanding made (by the assistance of God’s grace) no doubt +to the saving of many souls: therefore take these things, as he himself +hath methodically laid them down in the words of verity; and so I pass +on to what remains.<br> +<br> +After his being freed from his twelve years’ imprisonment and +upwards, for nonconformity, wherein he had time to furnish the world +with sundry good books, etc., and by his patience, to move <i>Dr Barlow</i>, +the then Bishop of <i>Lincoln</i>, and other church-men, to pity his +hard and unreasonable sufferings, so far as to stand very much his friends, +in procuring his enlargement, or there perhaps he had died, by the noisomeness +and ill usage of the place. Being now, I say, again at liberty, +and having through mercy shaken off his bodily fetters, - for those +upon his soul were broken before by the abounding grace that filled +his heart, - he went to visit those that had been a comfort to him in +his tribulation, with a Christian-like acknowledgment of their kindness +and enlargement of charity; giving encouragement by his example, if +it happened to be their hard haps to fall into affliction or trouble, +then to suffer patiently for the sake of a good conscience, and for +the love of God in Jesus Christ towards their souls, and by many cordial +persuasions, supported some whose spirits began to sink low, through +the fear of danger that threatened their worldly concernment, so that +the people found a wonderful consolation in his discourse and admonitions.<br> +<br> +As often as opportunity would admit, he gathered them together (though +the law was then in force against meetings) in convenient places, and +fed them with the sincere milk of the Word, that they might grow up +in grace thereby. To such as were anywhere taken and imprisoned +upon these accounts, he made it another part of his business to extend +his charity, and gather relief for such of them as wanted.<br> +<br> +He took great care to visit the sick, and strengthen them against the +suggestions of the tempter, which at such times are very prevalent; +so that they had cause for ever to bless God, Who had put it into his +heart, at such a time, to rescue them from the power of the roaring +lion, who sought to devour them; nor did he spare any pains or labour +in travel, though to remote counties, where he knew or imagined any +people might stand in need of his assistance; insomuch that some, by +these visitations that he made, which was two or three every year (some, +though in a jeering manner no doubt, gave him the epithet of Bishop +<i>Bunyan</i>) whilst others envied him for his so earnestly labouring +in Christ’s vineyard; yet the seed of the Word he (all this while) +sowed in the hearts of his congregation, watered with the grace of God, +brought forth in abundance, in bringing in disciples to the church of +Christ.<br> +<br> +Another part of his time is spent in reconciling differences, by which +he hindered many mischiefs, and saved some families from ruin, and in +such fallings-out he was uneasy, till he found a means to labour a reconciliation, +and become a peace-maker, on whom a blessing is promised in holy writ; +and indeed in doing this good office, he may be said to sum up his days, +it being the last undertaking of his life, as will appear in the close +of this paper.<br> +<br> +When in the late reign, liberty of conscience was unexpectedly given +and indulged to dissenters of all persuasions, his piercing wit penetrated +the veil, and found that it was not for the dissenters’ sakes +they were so suddenly freed from the hard prosecutions that had long +lain heavy upon them, and set in a manner, on an equal foot with the +Church of <i>England</i>, which the papists were undermining, and about +to subvert: he foresaw all the advantages that could have redounded +to the dissenters would have been no more than what <i>Polyphemus</i>, +the monstrous giant of <i>Sicily</i>, would have allowed <i>Ulysses, +viz</i>.: That he would eat his men first, and do him the favour of +being eaten last: for although Mr <i>Bunyan</i>, following the examples +of others, did lay hold of this liberty, as an acceptable thing in itself, +knowing God is the only Lord of conscience, and that it is good at all +times to do according to the dictates of a good conscience, and that +the preaching the glad tidings of the Gospel is beautiful in the preacher; +yet in all this he moved with caution and a holy fear, earnestly praying +for the averting impending judgments, which he saw, like a black tempest, +hanging over our heads for our sins, and ready to break in upon us, +and that the <i>Ninevites’</i> remedy was now highly necessary: +hereupon he gathered his congregation at <i>Bedford</i>, where he mostly +lived, and had lived and spent the greatest part of his life; and there +being no convenient place to be had for the entertainment of so great +a confluence of people as followed him upon the account of his teaching, +he consulted with them for the building of a meeting-house, to which +they made their voluntary contributions with all cheerfulness and alacrity; +and the first time he appeared there to edify, the place was so thronged, +that many was constrained to stay without, though the house was very +spacious, every one striving to partake of his instructions, that were +of his persuasion, and show their good-will towards him, by being present +at the opening of the place; and here he lived in much peace and quiet +of mind, contenting himself with that little God had bestowed upon him, +and sequestering himself from all secular employments, to follow that +of his call to the ministry; for as God said to <i>Moses</i>, He that +made the lips and heart, can give eloquence and wisdom, without extraordinary +acquirements in an university.<br> +<br> +During these things, there were regulators sent into all cities and +towns corporate, to new model the government in the magistracy, etc., +by turning out some, and putting in others: against this Mr <i>Bunyan</i> +expressed his zeal with some weariness, as foreseeing the bad consequence +that would attend it, and laboured with his congregation to prevent +their being imposed on in this kind; and when a great man in those days, +coming to <i>Bedford</i> upon some such errand, sent for him, as ’tis +supposed, to give him a place of public trust, he would by no means +come at him, but sent his excuse.<br> +<br> +When he was at leisure from writing and teaching, he often came up to +<i>London</i>, and there went among the congregations of the non-conformists, +and used his talent to the great good-liking of the hearers; and even +some to whom he had been mis-represented, upon the account of his education, +were convinced of his worth and knowledge in sacred things, as perceiving +him to be a man of round judgment, delivering himself plainly and powerfully; +insomuch that many, who came mere spectators for novelty sake rather +than to edify and be improved, went away well satisfied with what they +heard, and wondered, as the Jews did at the Apostles, <i>viz</i>.: Whence +this man should have these things; perhaps not considering that God +more immediately assists those that make it their business industriously +and cheerfully to labour in His vineyard.<br> +<br> +Thus he spent his latter years in imitation of his great Lord and Master, +the ever-blessed Jesus; he went about doing good, so that the most prying +critic, or even Malice herself, is defied to find, even upon the narrowest +search or observation, any sully or stain upon his reputation, with +which he may be justly charged; and this we note, as a challenge to +those that have the least regard for him, or them of his persuasion, +and have one way or other appeared in the front of those that oppressed +him; and for the turning whose hearts, in obedience to the commission +and commandment given him of God, he frequently prayed, and sometimes +sought a blessing for them, even with tears, the effects of which, they +may, peradventure, though undeservedly, have found in their persons, +friends, relations, or estates; for God will hear the prayer of the +faithful, and answer them, even for them that vex them, as it happened +in the case of <i>Job’s</i> praying for the three persons that +had been grievous in their reproach against him, even in the day of +his sorrow.<br> +<br> +But yet let me come a little nearer to particulars and periods of time, +for the better refreshing the memories of those that knew his labour +and suffering, and for the satisfaction of all that shall read this +book.<br> +<br> +After he was sensibly convicted of the wicked state of his life, and +converted, he was baptized into the congregation, and admitted a member +thereof, <i>viz</i>., in the year 1655, and became speedily a very zealous +professor; but upon the return of King <i>Charles</i> to the crown in +1660, he was the 12th of <i>November</i> taken, as he was edifying some +good people that were got together to hear the word, and confined in +<i>Bedford</i> jail for the space of six years, till the act of Indulgence +to dissenters being allowed, he obtained his freedom, by the intercession +of some in trust and power, that took pity on his sufferings; but within +six years afterwards he was again taken up, <i>viz</i>., in the year +1666, and was then confined for six years more, when even the jailor +took such pity of his rigorous sufferings, that he did as the Egyptian +jailor did to <i>Joseph</i>, put all the care and trust in his hand: +When he was taken this last time, he was preaching on these words, viz.:<i> +Dost</i> <i>thou believe the Son of God</i>? And this imprisonment +continued six years, and when this was over, another short affliction, +which was an imprisonment of half a year, fell to his share. During +these confinements he wrote the following books, viz.: <i>Of Prayer +by the Spirit: The Holy City’s Resurrection: Grace Abounding: +Pilgrim’s Progress</i>, the first part.<br> +<br> +In the last year of his twelve years’ imprisonment, the pastor +of the congregation at <i>Bedford</i> died, and he was chosen to that +care of souls, on the 12th of <i>December</i> 1671. And in this +his charge, he often had disputes with scholars that came to oppose +him, as supposing him an ignorant person, and though he argued plainly, +and by Scripture, without phrases and logical expressions, yet he nonplussed +one who came to oppose him in his congregation, by demanding, Whether +or no we had the true copies of the original Scriptures; and another, +when he was preaching, accused him of uncharitableness, for saying, +<i>It was very hard for most</i> <i>to be saved</i>; saying, by that +he went about to exclude most of his congregation; but he confuted him, +and put him to silence with the parable of the stony ground, and other +texts out of the 13th chapter of <i>St Matthew</i>, in our Saviour’s +sermon out of a ship; all his methods being to keep close to the Scriptures, +and what he found not warranted there, himself would not warrant nor +determine, unless in such cases as were plain, wherein no doubts or +scruples did arise.<br> +<br> +But not to make any further mention of this kind, it is well known that +this person managed all his affairs with such exactness, as if he had +made it his study, above all other things, not to give occasion of offence, +but rather suffer many inconveniences, to avoid being never heard to +reproach or revile any, what injury soever he received, but rather to +rebuke those that did; and as it was in his conversation, so it is manifested +in those books he has caused to be published to the world; where like +the archangel disputing with Satan about the body of <i>Moses</i>, as +we find it in the epistle of <i>St Jude</i>, brings no railing accusation +(but leaves the rebukers, those that persecuted him) to the Lord.<br> +<br> +In his family he kept up a very strict discipline in prayer and exhortation; +being in this like <i>Joshua</i>, as the good man expresses it, viz., +<i>Whatsoever others did, as for me</i> <i>and my house, we will serve +the Lord</i>: and indeed a blessing waited on his labours and endeavours, +so that his wife, as the Psalmist says, <i>was like a</i> <i>pleasant +vine upon the walls of his house, and his</i> <i>children like olive +branches round his table; for so</i> <i>shall it be with the man that +fears the Lord</i>, and though by reason of the many losses he sustained +by imprisonment and spoil, of his chargeable sickness, etc., his earthly +treasure swelled not to excess; he always had sufficient to live decently +and creditably, and with that he had the greatest of all treasures, +which is content; for as the wise man says, <i>That is</i> <i>a continual +feast.<br> +<br> +</i>But where content dwells, even a poor cottage is a kingly palace, +and this happiness he had all his life long; not so much minding this +world, as knowing he was here as a pilgrim and stranger, and had no +tarrying city, but looked for one made with hands eternal in the highest +heavens: but at length was worn out with sufferings, age, and often +teaching, the day of his dissolution drew near, and death, that unlocks +the prison of the soul, to enlarge it for a more glorious mansion, put +a stop to his acting his part on the stage of mortality; heaven, like +earthly princes, when it threatens war, being always so kind as to call +home its ambassadors before it be denounced, and even the last act or +undertaking of his, was a labour of love and charity; for it so falling +out that a young gentleman, a neighbour of Mr <i>Bunyan’s</i>, +happening into the displeasure of his father, and being much troubled +in mind upon that account, and also for that he heard his father purposed +to disinherit him, or otherwise deprive him of what he had to leave; +he pitched upon Mr <i>Bunyan</i> as a fit man to make way for his submission, +and prepare his father’s mind to receive him; and he, as willing +to do any good office, as it could be requested, as readily undertook +it; and so riding to <i>Reading</i> in <i>Berkshire</i>, he then there +used such pressing arguments and reasons against anger and passion, +as also for love and reconciliation, that the father was mollified, +and his bowels yearned to his returning son.<br> +<br> +But Mr <i>Bunyan</i>, after he had disposed all things to the best for +accommodation, returning to <i>London</i>, and being overtaken with +excessive rains, coming to his lodgings extremely wet, fell sick of +a violent fever, which he bore with much constancy and patience, and +expressed himself as if he desired nothing more than to be dissolved, +and be with Christ, in that case esteeming death as gain, and life only +a tedious delaying felicity expected; and finding his vital strength +decay, having settled his mind and affairs, as well as the shortness +of time, and the violence of his disease would permit, with a constant +and christian patience, he resigned his soul into the hands of his most +merciful Redeemer, following his pilgrim from the City of Destruction, +to the New <i>Jerusalem</i>; his better part having been all along there, +in holy contemplation, pantings and breathings after the hidden manna +and water of life, as by many holy and humble consolations expressed +in his letters to several persons in prison, and out of prison, too +many to be inserted at present. He died at the house of one Mr +<i>Struddock</i>, a grocer, at the Star on <i>Snow Hill</i>, in the +parish of <i>St Sepulchre’s, London</i>, on the 12th of <i>August</i> +1688, and in the sixtieth year of his age, after ten days’ sickness; +and was buried in the new burying place near the Artillery Ground; where +he sleeps to the morning of the resurrection, in hopes of a glorious +rising to an incorruptible immortality of joy and happiness; where no +more trouble and sorrow shall afflict him, but all tears be wiped away; +when the just shall be incorporated as members of Christ their head, +and reign with Him as kings and priests for ever.<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +A brief Character of <i>Mr</i> JOHN BUNYAN<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +He appeared in countenance to be of a stern and rough temper, but in +his conversation mild and affable; not given to loquacity or much discourse +in company, unless some urgent occasion required it; observing never +to boast of himself or his parts, but rather seem low in his own eyes, +and submit himself to the judgment of others, abhorring lying and swearing, +being just in all that lay in his power to his word, not seeming to +revenge injuries, loving to reconcile differences, and make friendship +with all; he had a sharp quick eye, accompanied with an excellent discerning +of persons, being of good judgment and quick wit. As for his person, +he was tall of stature, strong boned, though not corpulent, somewhat +of a ruddy face, with sparkling eyes, wearing his hair on his upper +lip, after the old British fashion; his hair reddish, but in his latter +days, time had sprinkled it with grey; his nose well set, but not declining +or bending, and his mouth moderate large; his forehead somewhat high, +and his habit always plain and modest. And thus have we impartially +described the internal and external parts of a person, whose death hath +been much regretted; a person who had tried the smiles and frowns of +time; not puffed up in prosperity, nor shaken in adversity; always holding +the golden mean.<br> +<br> +<br> +In him at once did three great worthies shine,<br> +Historian, poet, and a choice divine:<br> +Then let him rest in undisturbed dust,<br> +Until the resurrection of the just.<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +POSTSCRIPT<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +In this his pilgrimage, God blessed him with four children, one of which, +named <i>Mary</i>, was blind, and died some years before; his other +children were <i>Thomas, Joseph</i>, and <i>Sarah</i>; his wife <i>Elizabeth</i> +having lived to see him overcome his labour and sorrow, and pass from +this life to receive the reward of his work, long survived him not; +but in 1692 she died, to follow her faithful pilgrim from this world +to the other, whither he was gone before her; whilst his works, which +consist of sixty books, remain for the edifying of the reader, and praise +of the author.<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, GRACE ABOUNDING ***<br> +<pre> + +******This file should be named gacos10h.htm or gacos10h.zip****** +Corrected EDITIONS of our EBooks get a new NUMBER, gacos11h.htm +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, gacos10ah.htm + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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