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diff --git a/654-h/654-h.htm b/654-h/654-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5934433 --- /dev/null +++ b/654-h/654-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,6239 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=US-ASCII" /> +<title>Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners, by John Bunyan</title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + P { margin-top: .75em; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + P.gutsumm { margin-left: 5%;} + P.poetry {margin-left: 3%; } + .GutSmall { font-size: 0.7em; } + H1, H2 { + text-align: center; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + } + H3, H4, H5 { + text-align: center; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-bottom: 1em; + } + BODY{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + table { border-collapse: collapse; } +table {margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;} + td { vertical-align: top; border: 1px solid black;} + td p { margin: 0.2em; } + .blkquot {margin-left: 4em; margin-right: 4em;} /* block indent */ + + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + + .pagenum {position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: small; + text-align: right; + font-weight: normal; + color: gray; + } + img { border: none; } + img.dc { float: left; width: 50px; height: 50px; } + p.gutindent { margin-left: 2em; } + div.gapspace { height: 0.8em; } + div.gapline { height: 0.8em; width: 100%; border-top: 1px solid;} + div.gapmediumline { height: 0.3em; width: 40%; margin-left:30%; + border-top: 1px solid; } + div.gapmediumdoubleline { height: 0.3em; width: 40%; margin-left:30%; + border-top: 1px solid; border-bottom: 1px solid;} + div.gapshortdoubleline { height: 0.3em; width: 20%; + margin-left: 40%; border-top: 1px solid; + border-bottom: 1px solid; } + div.gapdoubleline { height: 0.3em; width: 50%; + margin-left: 25%; border-top: 1px solid; + border-bottom: 1px solid;} + div.gapshortline { height: 0.3em; width: 20%; margin-left:40%; + border-top: 1px solid; } + .citation {vertical-align: super; + font-size: .8em; + text-decoration: none;} + img.floatleft { float: left; + margin-right: 1em; + margin-top: 0.5em; margin-bottom: 0.5em; } + img.floatright { float: right; + margin-left: 1em; margin-top: 0.5em; + margin-bottom: 0.5em; } + img.clearcenter {display: block; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; margin-top: 0.5em; + margin-bottom: 0.5em} + --> + /* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners, by +John Bunyan, Illustrated by Harold Copping + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners + + +Author: John Bunyan + + + +Release Date: February 19, 2013 [eBook #654] +[This file was first posted on October 22, 1996] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF +SINNERS*** +</pre> +<p>Transcribed from the 1905 The Religious Tract Society edition +by David Price, email ccx074@pglaf.org</p> +<p style="text-align: center"> +<a href="images/coverb.jpg"> +<img alt= +"Book cover" +title= +"Book cover" +src="images/covers.jpg" /> +</a></p> +<h1>GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS</h1> +<p style="text-align: center">IN A FAITHFUL ACCOUNT OF<br /> +THE LIFE AND DEATH OF JOHN BUNYAN<br /> +<span class="GutSmall">OR</span><br /> +A BRIEF RELATION OF THE EXCEEDING<br /> +MERCY OF GOD IN CHRIST TO HIM<br /> +<span class="GutSmall">NAMELY</span></p> +<p style="text-align: center"><span class="GutSmall">IN HIS +TAKING HIM OUT OF THE DUNGHILL, AND</span><br /> +<span class="GutSmall">CONVERTING HIM TO THE FAITH OF HIS BLESSED +SON JESUS</span><br /> +<span class="GutSmall">CHRIST. HERE IS ALSO PARTICULARLY +SHEWED, WHAT</span><br /> +<span class="GutSmall">SIGHT OF, AND WHAT TROUBLES HE HAD FOR +SIN; AND</span><br /> +<span class="GutSmall">ALSO, WHAT VARIOUS TEMPTATIONS HE HATH MET +WITH,</span><br /> +<span class="GutSmall">AND HOW GOD HATH CARRIED HIM THROUGH +THEM.</span></p> +<p style="text-align: center"><span +class="GutSmall"><i>THOROUGHLY REVISED BY THE EIGHTH +EDITION</i></span></p> +<p style="text-align: center">WITH<br /> +EIGHT COLOURED ILLUSTRATIONS<br /> +<b>BY HAROLD COPPING</b></p> +<p style="text-align: center"> +<a href="images/p0b.jpg"> +<img alt= +"Decorative graphic" +title= +"Decorative graphic" +src="images/p0s.jpg" /> +</a></p> +<p style="text-align: center">London<br /> +THE RELIGIOUS TRACT SOLCIETY<br /> +4 Bouverie Street and 65 St Paul’s Churchyard<br /> +1905</p> + +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p style="text-align: center"><a name="page6"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 6</span><b><i>Come and hear all ye that +fear</i></b><br /> +<b><i>God</i></b><b>, </b><b><i>and I will declare what He +hath</i></b><br /> +<b><i>done for my soul</i></b><b>.—</b><b><i>Psalm lxvi. +16</i></b><b>.</b></p> + +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<h2><a name="page7"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +7</span>PREFATORY NOTE</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> text in this edition is as +nearly as possible that of the eighth, which was corrected by +Bunyan himself a few weeks before his death. The text of +‘A Relation’ is that of the first edition of +1765. A few minor changes have been introduced for the +convenience of the reader. The use of capital letters has +been considerably modified, and the orthography has been in +places modernized. In some few instances the Scripture +references have been added to quotations where they did not +appear in the original. It must be remembered that Bunyan +often quoted Scripture inexactly, and it has not been deemed +necessary to make all his quotations follow the text of the +Authorized Version.</p> +<p>The marginal summary is not part of the original, but has been +prepared for this edition in order that it may correspond with +the Society’s editions of the ‘Pilgrim’s +Progress.’ <a name="citation7"></a><a href="#footnote7" +class="citation">[7]</a></p> +<p><a name="page8"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 8</span>The +illustrations have been prepared for this work by Mr. Harold +Copping, whose illustrations to the ‘Pilgrim’s +Progress’ have justly attracted much attention.</p> +<h2><a name="page9"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +9</span>CONTENTS</h2> +<table> +<tr> +<td colspan="2"><p> </p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span +class="GutSmall">PAGE</span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td colspan="2"><p><span class="smcap">Prefatory Note</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page7">7</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td colspan="2"><p><span class="smcap">A Preface</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page11">11</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td colspan="2"><p><span class="smcap">Grace Abounding to the +Chief of Sinners</span>, paragraphs 1–339</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page17">17</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p> </p> +</td> +<td><p>A Brief Account of the Author’s Call to the Work of +the Ministry</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page147">147</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p> </p> +</td> +<td><p>A Brief Account of the Author’s Imprisonment</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page169">169</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p> </p> +</td> +<td><p>The Conclusion, paragraphs 1–7</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page180">180</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td colspan="2"><p><span class="smcap">A Relation of the +Imprisonment of the Author in the Month of November</span> +1660</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page183">183</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td colspan="2"><p><span class="smcap">A Continuation of the +Author’s Life</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page229">229</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td colspan="2"><p><span class="smcap">A Brief Character of the +Author</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page241">241</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td colspan="2"><p><span class="smcap">Postscript</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page243">243</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +</table> +<h2><a name="page11"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 11</span>A +PREFACE</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">OR, BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE PUBLISHING THIS +WORK. WRITTEN BY THE AUTHOR THEREOF, AND DEDICATED TO THOSE +WHOM GOD HATH COUNTED HIM WORTHY TO BEGET TO FAITH, BY HIS +MINISTRY IN THE WORD</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Children</span>, Grace be with you. +<i>Amen</i>. I being taken from you in presence, and so +tied up that I cannot perform that duty, that from God doth lie +upon me to you-ward, for your farther edifying and building up in +faith and holiness, etc., yet that you may see my soul hath +fatherly care and desire after your spiritual and everlasting +welfare, I now once again, as before, from the top of +<i>Shenir</i> and <i>Hermon</i>, so now from <i>the lions’ +dens</i>, <i>from the mountains of the leopards</i> (Song iv. 8), +do look yet after you all, greatly longing to see your safe +arrival into THE desired Haven.</p> +<p>I thank God upon every remembrance of you; and rejoice, even +while I stick between the teeth of the lion in the wilderness, +that the grace and mercy, and knowledge of Christ our Saviour, +which God hath bestowed upon you, with abundance of faith and +love; your hungerings and thirstings after farther acquaintance +with the Father, in the Son; your tenderness of heart, your +trembling at sin, your sober and holy deportment also, before +both God and men, is a great refreshment to me; <i>For ye are our +glory and joy</i>. 1 Thess. ii. 20.</p> +<p>I have sent you here enclosed, a drop of that honey that I +have taken out of the carcase of a lion. Judg. xiv. +5–8. I have eaten thereof myself, and am much +refreshed thereby. (Temptations, when we meet them at +first, are as the lion that roared upon <i>Samson</i>; but if we +overcome them, the next time we see them, we shall find a nest of +honey within them.) The <i>Philistines</i> understand me +not. It is something of a relation of the work of God upon +my soul, even from the very first, till now, wherein you may +perceive my castings down, and risings up: for He woundeth, and +His hands make whole. It is written in the Scripture, Isa. +xxxviii. 19, <i>The father to the children shall make known Thy +truth</i>. Yea, it was for this reason I lay so long at +Sinai, Lev. iv. 10, 11, to see the fire, and the cloud, and the +darkness, <i>that I might fear the Lord all the days of my life +upon earth</i>, <i>and tell of His wondrous works to my +children</i>. Psalm lxxviii. 3–5.</p> +<p>Moses, Numb. xxxiii. 1, 2, writ of the journeys of the +children of <i>Israel</i>, from <i>Egypt</i> to the land of +<i>Canaan</i>; and commanded also that they did remember their +forty years’ travel in the wilderness. <i>Thou shalt +remember all the way which the Lord thy God led thee these forty +years in the wilderness</i>, <i>to humble thee</i>, <i>and to +prove thee</i>, <i>and to know what was in thine heart</i>, +<i>whether thou wouldst keep His commandments</i>, <i>or +no</i>. Deut. viii. 2. Wherefore this I have +endeavoured to do; and not only so, but to publish it also; that, +if God will, others may be put in remembrance of what He hath +done for their souls, by reading His work upon me.</p> +<p>It is profitable for Christians to be often calling to mind +the very beginnings of grace with their souls. <i>It is a +night to be much observed unto the Lord</i>, <i>for bringing them +out from the land of Egypt</i>. <i>This is that night of +the Lord to be observed of all the children of Israel in their +generations</i>. Exod. xii. 42. <i>O my God</i> +(saith <i>David</i>), Ps. xlii. 6, <i>my soul is cast down within +me</i>; <i>therefore will I remember thee from the land of +Jordan</i>, <i>and of the Hermonites</i>, <i>from the hill +Mizar</i>. He remembered also the lion and the bear, when +he went to fight with the giant of <i>Gath</i>. 1 Sam. +xvii. 36, 37.</p> +<p>It was <i>Paul’s</i> accustomed manner, Acts xxii., and +that, when tried for his life, Acts xxiv., even to open before +his judges the manner of his conversion: he would think of that +day, and that hour, in which he first did meet with grace; for he +found it supported him. When God had brought the children +of Israel out of the Red Sea, far into the wilderness, yet they +must turn quite about thither again, to remember the drowning of +their enemies there, Numb. xiv. 25, for though they sang his +praise before, yet they soon forgat his works. Psalm cvi. +11, 12.</p> +<p>In this discourse of mine, you may see much; much I say, of +the grace of God towards me: I thank God, I can count it much; +for it was above my sins and Satan’s temptations too. +I can remember my fears and doubts, and sad months, with comfort; +they are as the head of <i>Goliah</i> in my hand: there was +nothing to <i>David</i> like <i>Goliah’s</i> sword, even +that sword that should have been sheathed in his bowels; for the +very sight and remembrance of that did preach forth God’s +deliverance to him. Oh! the remembrance of my great sins, +of my great temptations, and of my great fear of perishing for +ever! They bring afresh into my mind, the remembrance of my +great help, my great supports from heaven, and the great grace +that God extended to such a wretch as I.</p> +<p>My dear children, call to mind the former days, and years of +ancient times: remember also your songs in the night, and commune +with your own Hearts, Ps. lxxiii. 5–12. Yea, look +diligently, and leave no corner therein unsearched for that +treasure hid, even the treasure of your first and second +experience of the grace of God towards you. Remember, I +say, the word that first laid hold upon you: remember your +terrors of conscience, and fear of death and hell: remember also +your tears and prayers to God; yea, how you sighed under every +hedge for mercy. Have you never a hill <i>Mizar</i> to +remember? Have you forgot the close, the milk-house, the +stable, the barn, and the like, where God did visit your +souls? Remember also the word, the word, I say, upon which +the Lord hath caused you to hope: if you have sinned against +light, if you are tempted to blaspheme, if you are drowned in +despair, if you think God fights against you, or if heaven is hid +from your eyes; remember it was thus with your father; <i>but out +of them all the Lord delivered me</i>.</p> +<p>I could have enlarged much in this my discourse, of my +temptations and troubles for sin; as also of the merciful +kindness and working of God with my soul: I could also have +stepped into a style much higher than this, in which I have here +discoursed, and could have adorned all things more than here I +have seemed to do, but I dare not: God did not play in tempting +of me; neither did I play, when I sunk as into the bottomless +pit, when the <i>pangs of hell caught hold upon me</i>; wherefore +I may not play in relating of them, but be plain and simple, and +lay down the thing as it was; he that liketh it, let him receive +it, and he that doth not, let him produce a better. +Farewell.</p> +<p>My dear Children,</p> +<p><i>The milk and honey are beyond this wilderness</i>. +<i>God be merciful to you</i>, <i>and grant that you be not +slothful to go in to possess the land</i>.</p> +<p style="text-align: right">JOHN BUNYAN.</p> +<h2><a name="page17"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 17</span>GRACE +ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS<br /> +<span class="GutSmall">OR,</span><br /> +A BRIEF RELATION OF THE EXCEEDING MERCY OF GOD IN CHRIST, TO HIS +POOR SERVANT, JOHN BUNYAN</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> this my relation of the merciful +working of God upon my soul, it will not be amiss, if in the +first place, I do in a few words give you a hint of my pedigree, +and manner of bringing up; that thereby the goodness and bounty +of God towards me, may be the more advanced and magnified before +the sons of men.</p> +<p>2. For my descent then, it was, as is well known by +many, of a low and inconsiderable generation; my father’s +house being of that rank that is meanest, and most despised of +all the families in the land. Wherefore, I have not here, +as others, to boast of noble blood, or of any high-born state, +according to the flesh; though, all things considered, I magnify +the heavenly Majesty, for that by this door He brought me into +the world, to partake of the grace and life that is in Christ by +the gospel.</p> +<p>3. But yet, notwithstanding the meanness and +inconsiderableness of my parents, it pleased God to put it into +their hearts, to put me to school, to learn both to read and +write; the which I also attained, according to the rate of other +poor men’s children: though, to my shame, I confess, I did +soon lose that I had learned, even almost utterly, and that long +before the Lord did work His gracious work of conversion upon my +soul.</p> +<p>4. As for my own natural life, for the time that I was +without God in the world, it was, indeed, <i>according to the +course of this world and the spirit that now worketh in the +children of disobedience</i>. Eph. ii. 2, 3. It was +my delight to be ‘taken captive by the devil <i>at his +will</i>,’ 2 Tim. ii. 26; being filled with all +unrighteousness; the which did also so strongly work, and put +forth itself, both in my heart and life, and that from a child, +that I had but few equals (especially considering my years, which +were tender, being but few) both for cursing, swearing, lying, +and blaspheming the holy name of God.</p> +<p>5. Yea, so settled and rooted was I in these things, +that they became as a second nature to me; the which, as I have +also with soberness considered since, did so offend the Lord, +that even in my childhood he did scare and affrighten me with +fearful dreams, and did terrify me with fearful visions. +For often, after I have spent this and the other day in sin, I +have in my bed been greatly afflicted, while asleep, with the +apprehensions of devils and wicked spirits, who still, as I then +thought, laboured to draw me away with them, of which I could +never be rid.</p> +<p>6. Also I should, at these years, be greatly afflicted +and troubled with the thoughts of the fearful torments of +hell-fire; still fearing, that it would be my lot to be found at +last among those devils and hellish fiends, who are there bound +down with the chains and bonds of darkness, unto the judgment of +the great day.</p> +<p>7. These things, I say, when I was but a child, but nine +or ten years old, did so distress my soul, that then in the midst +of my many sports and childish vanities, amidst my vain +companions, I was often much cast down, and afflicted in my mind +therewith, yet could I not let go my sins: yea, I was also then +so overcome with despair of life and heaven, that I should often +wish, either that there had been no hell, or that I had been a +devil; supposing they were only tormentors; that if it must needs +be, that I went thither, I might be rather a tormentor, than be +tormented myself.</p> +<p>8. A while after those terrible dreams did leave me, which +also I soon forgot; for my pleasures did quickly cut off the +remembrance of them, as if they had never been: wherefore with +more greediness, according to the strength of nature, I did still +let loose the reins of my lust, and delighted in all +transgressions against the law of God: so that until I came to +the state of marriage, I was the very ringleader of all the youth +that kept me company, in all manner of vice and ungodliness.</p> +<p>9. Yea, such prevalency had the lusts and fruits of the +flesh in this poor soul of mine, that had not a miracle of +precious grace prevented, I had not only perished by the stroke +of eternal justice, but had also laid myself open, even to the +stroke of those laws which bring some to disgrace and open shame +before the face of the world.</p> +<p>10. In these days the thoughts of religion were very +grievous to me; I could neither endure it myself, nor that any +other should; so that when I have seen some read in those books +that concerned Christian piety, it would be as it were a prison +to me. <i>Then I said unto God</i>, <i>Depart from me</i>, +<i>for I desire not the knowledge of Thy ways</i>. Job xxi. +14, 15. I was now void of all good consideration, heaven +and hell were both out of sight and mind; and as for saving and +damning, they were least in my thoughts. <i>O Lord</i>, +<i>Thou knowest my life</i>, <i>and my ways were not hid from +Thee</i>!</p> +<p>11. But this I well remember, that though I could myself +sin with the greatest delight and ease, and also take pleasure in +the vileness of my companions; yet, even then, if I had at any +time seen wicked things, by those who professed goodness, it +would make my spirit tremble. As once above all the rest, +when I was in the height of vanity, yet hearing one to swear, +that was reckoned for a religious man, it had so great a stroke +upon my spirit, that it made my heart ache.</p> +<p>12. But God did not utterly leave me, but followed me +still, not now with convictions, but judgments; yet such as were +mixed with mercy. For once I fell into a creek of the sea, +and hardly escaped drowning. Another time I fell out of a +boat into <i>Bedford</i> river, but, mercy yet preserved me +alive: besides, another time, being in a field, with one of my +companions, it chanced that an adder passed over the highway, so +I having a stick in my hand, struck her over the back; and having +stunned her, I forced open her mouth with my stick, and plucked +her sting out with my fingers; by which act had not God been +merciful unto me, I might by my desperateness, have brought +myself to my end.</p> +<p>13. This also I have taken notice of, with thanksgiving: +When I was a soldier, I with others, were drawn out to go to such +a place to besiege it; but when I was just ready to go, one of +the company desired to go in my room: to which, when I had +consented, he took my place; and coming to the siege, as he stood +sentinel, he was shot in the head with a musket-bullet and +died.</p> +<p>14. Here, as I said, were judgments and mercy, but +neither of them did awaken my soul to righteousness; wherefore I +sinned still, and grew more and more rebellious against God, and +careless of my own salvation.</p> +<p>15. Presently after this, I changed my condition into a +married state, and my mercy was, to light upon a wife whose +father was counted godly: This woman and I, though we came +together as poor as poor might be (not having so much household +stuff as a dish or a spoon betwixt us both), yet this she had for +her part: <i>The Plain Man’s Pathway to Heaven</i> and +<i>The Practice of Piety</i>; which her father had left her when +he died. In these two books I would sometimes read with +her, wherein I also found some things that were somewhat pleasing +to me (but all this while I met with no conviction). She +also would be often telling of me what a godly man her father +was, and how he would reprove and correct vice, both in his +house, and among his neighbours; what a strict and holy life he +lived in his days, both in word and deed.</p> +<p style="text-align: center"> +<a href="images/p22b.jpg"> +<img alt= +"Bunyan and his Wife read her Father’s Books" +title= +"Bunyan and his Wife read her Father’s Books" +src="images/p22s.jpg" /> +</a></p> +<p>16. Wherefore these books, with this relation, though +they did not reach my heart, to awaken it about my sad and sinful +state, yet they did beget within me some desires to religion: so +that because I knew no better, I fell in very eagerly with the +religion of the times; to wit, to go to church twice a day, and +that too with the foremost; and there should very devoutly, both +say and sing, as others did, yet retaining my wicked life; but +withal, I was so over-run with the spirit of superstition, that I +adored, and that with great devotion, even all things (both the +high-place, priest, clerk, vestment, service, and what else) +belonging to the church; counting all things holy that were +therein contained, and especially, the priest and clerk most +happy, and without doubt, greatly blessed, because they were the +servants, as I then thought, of God, and were principal in the +holy temple, to do His work therein.</p> +<p>17. This conceit grew so strong in a little time upon my +spirit, that had I but seen a priest (though never so sordid and +debauched in his life), I should find my spirit fall under him, +reverence him, and knit unto him; yea, I thought, for the love I +did bear unto them (supposing them the ministers of God), I could +have laid down at their feet, and have been trampled upon by +them; their name, their garb, and work did so intoxicate and +bewitch me.</p> +<p>18. After I had been thus for some considerable time, +another thought came in my mind; and that was, whether we were of +the <i>Israelites</i> or no? For finding in the scripture +that they were once the peculiar people of God, thought I, if I +were one of this race, my soul must needs be happy. Now +again, I found within me a great longing to be resolved about +this question, but could not tell how I should: at last I asked +my father of it; who told me, <i>No</i>, <i>we were +not</i>. Wherefore then I fell in my spirit, as to the +hopes of that, and so remained.</p> +<p>19. But all this while, I was not sensible of the danger +and evil of sin; I was kept from considering that sin would damn +me, what religion soever I followed, unless I was found in +Christ: nay, I never thought of Him, or whether there was such a +One, or no. <i>Thus man</i>, <i>while blind</i>, <i>doth +wander</i>, <i>but wearieth himself with vanity</i>, <i>for he +knoweth not the way to the city of God</i>. Eccles. x. +15.</p> +<p>20. But one day (amongst all the sermons our parson +made) his subject was, to treat of the Sabbath day, and of the +evil of breaking that, either with labour, sports or +otherwise. (Now, I was, notwithstanding my religion, one +that took much delight in all manner of vice, and especially that +was the day that I did solace myself therewith): wherefore I fell +in my conscience under his sermon, thinking and believing that he +made that sermon on purpose to show me my evil doing. And +at that time I felt what guilt was, though never before, that I +can remember; but then I was, for the present, greatly loaden +therewith, and so went home when the sermon was ended, with a +great burthen upon my spirit.</p> +<p>21. This, for that instant did benumb the sinews of my +best delights, and did imbitter my former pleasures to me; but +hold, it lasted not, for before I had well dined, the trouble +began to go off my mind, and my heart returned to its old course: +but oh! how glad was I, that this trouble was gone from me, and +that the fire was put out, that I might sin again without +control! Wherefore, when I had satisfied nature with my +food, I shook the sermon out of my mind, and to my old custom of +sports and gaming, I returned with great delight.</p> +<p>22. But the same day, as I was in the midst of a game of +Cat, and having struck it one blow from the hole, just as I was +about to strike it the second time, a voice did suddenly dart +from heaven into my soul, which said, <i>Wilt thou leave thy sins +and go to heaven</i>, <i>or have thy sins and go to +hell</i>? At this I was put to an exceeding maze; wherefore +leaving my cat upon the ground, I looked up to heaven, and was, +as if I had, with the eyes of my understanding, seen the Lord +Jesus looking down upon me, as being very hotly displeased with +me, and as if He did severely threaten me with some grievous +punishment for these and other ungodly practices.</p> +<p style="text-align: center"> +<a href="images/p25b.jpg"> +<img alt= +"Bunyan hears a Voice from Heaven" +title= +"Bunyan hears a Voice from Heaven" +src="images/p25s.jpg" /> +</a></p> +<p>23. I had no sooner thus conceived in my mind, but, +suddenly, this conclusion was fastened on my spirit (for the +former hint did set my sins again before my face), <i>That I had +been a great and grievous sinner</i>, <i>and that it was now too +late for me to look after heaven</i>; <i>for Christ would not +forgive me</i>, <i>nor pardon my transgressions</i>. Then I +fell to musing on this also; and while I was thinking of it, and +fearing lest it should be so; I felt my heart sink in despair, +concluding it was too late; and therefore I resolved in my mind I +would go on in sin: for, thought I, if the case be thus, my state +is surely miserable; miserable if I leave my sins, and but +miserable if I follow them; I can but be damned, and if I must be +so, I had as good be damned for many sins, as be damned for +few.</p> +<p>24. Thus I stood in the midst of my play, before all +that then were present: but yet I told them nothing: but I say; +having made this conclusion, I returned desperately to my sport +again; and I well remember, that presently this kind of despair +did so possess my soul, that I was persuaded I could never attain +to other comfort than what I should get in sin; for heaven was +gone already, so that on that I must not think; wherefore I found +within me great desire to take my fill of sin, still studying +what sin was yet to be committed, that I might taste the +sweetness of it; and I made as much haste as I could to fill my +belly with its delicates, lest I should die before I had my +desire; for that I feared greatly. In these things, I +protest before God, I lye not, neither do I feign this form of +speech; these were really, strongly, and with all my heart, my +desires: <i>The good Lord</i>, <i>Whose mercy is +unsearchable</i>, <i>forgive me my transgressions</i>!</p> +<p>25. And I am very confident, that this temptation of the +devil is more usual among poor creatures, than many are aware of, +even to over-run the spirits with a scurvy and seared frame of +heart, and benumbing of conscience, which frame he stilly and +slily supplieth with such despair, that, though not much guilt +attendeth souls, yet they continually have a secret conclusion +within them, that there is no hope for them; <i>for they have +loved sins</i>, <i>therefore after them they will go</i>. +Jer. ii. 25, and xviii. 12.</p> +<p>26. Now therefore I went on in sin with great greediness +of mind, still grudging that I could not be so satisfied with it, +as I would. This did continue with me about a month, or +more; but one day, as I was standing at a neighbour’s shop +window, and there cursing and swearing, and playing the madman, +after my wonted manner, there sate within, the woman of the +house, and heard me; who, though she also was a very loose and +ungodly wretch, yet protested that I swore and cursed at that +most fearful rate, that she was made to tremble to hear me; and +told me further, <i>that I was the ungodliest fellow for +swearing</i>, <i>that she ever heard in all her life</i>; <i>and +that I</i>, <i>by thus doing</i>, <i>was able to spoil all the +youth in the whole town</i>, <i>if they come but in my +company</i>.</p> +<p>27. At this reproof I was silenced, and put to secret +shame; and that too, as I thought, before the God of heaven; +wherefore, while I stood there, and hanging down my head, I +wished with all my heart that I might be a little child again, +that my father might learn me to speak without this wicked way of +swearing; for, thought I, I am so accustomed to it, that it is in +vain for me to think of a reformation; for I thought it could +never be.</p> +<p>28. But how it came to pass, I know not; I did from this +time forward, so leave my swearing, that it was a great wonder to +myself to observe it; and whereas before I knew not how to speak +unless I put an oath before, and another behind, to make my words +have authority; now I could, without it, speak better, and with +more pleasantness than ever I could before. All this while +I knew not Jesus Christ, neither did I leave my sports and +plays.</p> +<p>29. But quickly after this, I fell into company with one +poor man that made profession of religion; who, as I then +thought, did talk pleasantly of the scriptures, and of the +matters of religion; wherefore falling into some love and liking +to what he said, I betook me to my Bible, and began to take great +pleasure in reading, but especially with the historical part +thereof; for as for Paul’s Epistles, and such like +scriptures, I could not away with them, being as yet ignorant, +either of the corruptions of my nature, or of the want and worth +of Jesus Christ to save me.</p> +<p>30. Wherefore I fell to some outward reformation both in +my words and life, and did set the commandments before me for my +way to heaven; which commandments I also did strive to keep, and, +as I thought, did keep them pretty well sometimes, and then I +should have comfort; yet now and then should break one, and so +afflict my conscience; but then I should repent, and say, I was +sorry for it, and promise God to do better next time, and there +get help again; for then I thought I pleased God as well as any +man in <i>England</i>.</p> +<p>31. Thus I continued about a year; all which time our +neighbours did take me to be a very godly man, a new and +religious man, and did marvel much to see such a great and famous +alteration in my life and manners; and indeed so it was, though +yet I knew not Christ, nor grace, nor faith, nor hope; for, as I +have well seen since, had I then died, my state had been most +fearful.</p> +<p>32. But, I say, my neighbours were amazed at this my +great conversion, from prodigious profaneness, to something like +a moral life; and truly, so they well might; for this my +conversion was as great, as for Tom of Bethlehem to become a +sober man. Now therefore they began to praise, to commend, +and to speak well of me, both to my face, and behind my +back. Now I was, as they said, become godly; now I was +become a right honest man. But oh! when I understood these +were their words and opinions of me, it pleased me mighty +well. For, though as yet I was nothing but a poor painted +hypocrite, yet, I loved to be talked of as one that was truly +godly. I was proud of my godliness, and indeed, I did all I +did, either to be seen of, or to be well spoken of, by men: and +thus I continued for about a twelvemonth, or more.</p> +<p>33. Now you must know, that, before this, I had taken +much delight in ringing, but my <i>conscience</i> beginning to be +tender, I thought such <i>practice</i> was but vain, and +therefore forced myself to leave it; yet my mind hankered; +wherefore I would go to the steeple-house, and look on, though I +durst not ring: but I thought this did not become religion +neither; yet I forced myself, and would look on still, but +quickly after, I began to think, <i>how if one of the bells +should fall</i>? Then I chose to stand under a main beam, +that lay overthwart the steeple, from side to side, thinking here +I might stand sure; but then I should think again, should the +bell fall with a swing, it might first hit the wall, and then, +rebounding upon me, might kill me for all this beam; this made me +stand in the steeple-door; and now, thought I, I am safe enough; +for if the bell should now fall, I can slip out behind these +thick walls, and so be preserved notwithstanding.</p> +<p>34. So after this I would yet go to see them ring, but +would not go any farther than the steeple-door; but then it came +into my head, how if the steeple itself should fall? And +this thought (it may for aught I know) when I stood and looked +on, did continually so shake my mind, that I durst not stand at +the steeple-door any longer, but was forced to flee, for fear the +steeple should fall upon my head.</p> +<p style="text-align: center"> +<a href="images/p31b.jpg"> +<img alt= +"Bunyan at the Steeple" +title= +"Bunyan at the Steeple" +src="images/p31s.jpg" /> +</a></p> +<p>35. Another thing was, my dancing; I was a full year +before I could quite leave that; but all this while, when I +thought I kept this or that commandment, or did, by word or deed, +anything that I thought was good, I had great peace in my +conscience, and should think with myself, God cannot choose but +be now pleased with me; yea, to relate it in mine own way, I +thought no man in <i>England</i> could please God better than +I.</p> +<p>36. But poor wretch as I was! I was all this while +ignorant of Jesus Christ; and going about to establish my own +righteousness; and had perished therein, had not God in mercy +showed me more of my state by nature.</p> +<p>37. But upon a day, the good providence of God called me +to <i>Bedford</i>, to work on my calling; and in one of the +streets of that town, I came where there were three or four poor +women sitting at a door, in the sun, talking about the things of +God; and being now willing to hear them discourse, I drew near to +hear what they said, for I was now a brisk talker also myself, in +the matters of religion; but I may say, <i>I heard but understood +not</i>; for they were far above, out of my reach. Their +talk was about a new birth, the work of God on their hearts, also +how they were convinced of their miserable state by nature; they +talked how God had visited their souls with His love in the Lord +Jesus, and with what words and promises they had been refreshed, +comforted, and supported, against the temptations of the devil: +moreover, they reasoned of the suggestions and temptations of +Satan in particular; and told to each other, by which they had +been afflicted and how they were borne up under his +assaults. They also discoursed of their own wretchedness of +heart, and of their unbelief; and did contemn, slight and abhor +their own righteousness, as filthy, and insufficient to do them +any good.</p> +<p style="text-align: center"> +<a href="images/p32b.jpg"> +<img alt= +"Bunyan listens to the poor women of Bedford" +title= +"Bunyan listens to the poor women of Bedford" +src="images/p32s.jpg" /> +</a></p> +<p>38. And, methought, they spake as if joy did make them +speak; they spake with such pleasantness of scripture language, +and with such appearance of grace in all they said, that they +were to me, as if they had found a new world; as if they were +<i>people that dwelt alone</i>, <i>and were not to be reckoned +among their neighbours</i>. Numb. xxiii. 9.</p> +<p>39. At this I felt my own heart began to shake, and +mistrust my condition to be naught; for I saw that in all my +thoughts about religion and salvation, the new-birth did never +enter into my mind; neither knew I the comfort of the word and +promise, nor the deceitfulness and treachery of my own wicked +heart. As for secret thoughts, I took no notice of them; +neither did I understand what Satan’s temptations were, nor +how they were to be withstood, and resisted, etc.</p> +<p>40. Thus, therefore, when I had heard and considered +what they said, I left them, and went about my employment again, +but their talk and discourse went with me; also my heart would +tarry with them, for I was greatly affected with their words, +both because by them I was convinced that I wanted the true +tokens of a truly godly man, and also because by them I was +convinced of the happy and blessed condition of him that was such +a one.</p> +<p>41. Therefore I should often make it my business to be +going again and again into the company of these poor people; for +I could not stay away; and the more I went amongst them, the more +I did question my condition; and as I still do remember, +presently I found two things within me, at which I did sometimes +marvel (especially considering what a blind, ignorant, sordid and +ungodly wretch but just before I was). The one was a very +great softness and tenderness of heart, which caused me to fall +under the conviction of what by scripture they asserted, and the +other was a great bending in my mind, to a continual meditating +on it, and on all other good things, which at any time I heard or +read of.</p> +<p>42. By these things my mind was now so turned, that it +lay like an horse-leech at the vein, still crying out, +<i>Give</i>, <i>Give</i>, Prov. xxx. 15; yea, it was so fixed on +eternity, and on the things about the kingdom of heaven (that is, +so far as I knew, though as yet, God knows, I knew but little), +that neither pleasures, nor profits, nor persuasions, nor +threats, could loose it, or make it let go its hold; and though I +may speak it with shame, yet it is in very deed, a certain truth, +it would then have been as difficult for me to have taken my mind +from heaven to earth, as I have found it often since, to get +again from earth to heaven.</p> +<p>43. One thing I may not omit: There was a young man in +our town, to whom my heart before was knit, more than to any +other, but he being a most wicked creature for cursing, and +swearing, and whoreing, I now shook him off, and forsook his +company; but about a quarter of a year after I had left him, I +met him in a certain lane, and asked him how he did: he, after +his old swearing and mad way, answered, he was well. But, +Harry, said I, <i>why do you curse and swear thus</i>? +<i>What will become of you</i>, <i>if you die in this +condition</i>? He answered me in a great chafe, <i>What +would the devil do for company</i>, <i>if it were not for such as +I am</i>?</p> +<p>44. About this time I met with some Ranters’ +books, that were put forth by some of our countrymen, which books +were also highly in esteem by several old professors; some of +these I read, but was not able to make any judgment about them; +wherefore as I read in them, and thought upon them (seeing myself +unable to judge), I would betake myself to hearty prayer in this +manner. <i>O Lord</i>, <i>I am a fool</i>, <i>and not able +to know the truth from error</i>: <i>Lord</i>, <i>leave me not to +my own blindness</i>, <i>either to approve of or condemn this +doctrine</i>; <i>if it be of God</i>, <i>let me not despise +it</i>; <i>if it be of the devil</i>, <i>let me not embrace +it</i>. <i>Lord</i>, <i>I lay my soul in this matter only +at Thy foot</i>, <i>let me not be deceived</i>, <i>I humbly +beseech Thee</i>. I had one religious intimate companion +all this while, and that was the poor man I spoke of before; but +about this time, he also turned a most devilish Ranter, and gave +himself up to all manner of filthiness, especially uncleanness: +he would also deny that there was a God, angel, or spirit; and +would laugh at all exhortations to sobriety; when I laboured to +rebuke his wickedness he would laugh the more, and pretend that +he had gone through all religions, and could never light on the +right till now. He told me also, that in a little time I +should see all professors turn to the ways of the Ranters. +Wherefore, abominating those cursed principles, I left his +company forthwith, and became to him as great a stranger, as I +had been before a familiar.</p> +<p>45. Neither was this man only a temptation to me, but my +calling lying in the country, I happened to light into several +people’s company, who though strict in religion formerly, +yet were also swept away by these Ranters. These would also +talk with me of their ways, and condemn me as legal and dark; +pretending that they only had attained to perfection, that could +do what they would and not sin. Oh! these temptations were +suitable to my flesh, I being but a young man and my nature in +its prime; but God, who had, as I hoped, designed me for better +things, kept me in the fear of His name, and did not suffer me to +accept such cursed principles. And blessed be God, Who put +it into my heart to cry to Him to be kept and directed, still +distrusting my own wisdom; for I have since seen even the effects +of that prayer, in His preserving me, not only from Ranting +errors, but from those also that have sprung up since. The +Bible was precious to me in those days.</p> +<p>46. And now methought, I began to look into the Bible +with new eyes, and read as I never did before, and especially the +epistles of the apostle St Paul were sweet and pleasant to me; +and indeed I was then never out of the Bible, either by reading +or meditation; still crying out to God, that I might know the +truth, and way to heaven and glory.</p> +<p>47. And as I went on and read, I lighted upon that +passage, <i>To one is given</i>, <i>by the Spirit</i>, <i>the +word of wisdom</i>; <i>to another the word knowledge by the same +Spirit</i>; <i>and to another faith</i>, etc. 1 Cor. +xii. And though, as I have since seen, that by this +scripture the Holy Ghost intends, in special, things +extraordinary, yet on me it did then fasten with conviction, that +I did want things ordinary, even that understanding and wisdom +that other Christians had. On this word I mused, and could +not tell what to do, especially this word ‘Faith’ put +me to it, for I could not help it, but sometimes must question, +whether I had any faith, or no; but I was loath to conclude, I +had no faith; for if I do so, thought I, then I shall count +myself a very cast-away indeed.</p> +<p>48. No, said I, with myself, though I am convinced that +I am an ignorant sot, and that I want those blessed gifts of +knowledge and understanding that other people have; yet at a +venture I will conclude, I am not altogether faithless, though I +know not what faith is; for it was shewn me, and that too (as I +have seen since) by Satan, that those who conclude themselves in +a faithless state, have neither rest nor quiet in their souls; +and I was loath to fall quite into despair.</p> +<p>49. Wherefore by this suggestion I was, for a while, +made afraid to see my want of faith; but God would not suffer me +thus to undo and destroy my soul, but did continually, against +this my sad and blind conclusion, create still within me such +suppositions, insomuch that I could not rest content, until I did +now come to some certain knowledge, whether I had faith or no, +this always running in my mind, <i>But how if you want faith +indeed</i>? <i>But how can you tell you have +faith</i>? And besides, I saw for certain, if I had not, I +was sure to perish for ever.</p> +<p>50. So that though I endeavoured at the first to look +over the business of Faith, yet in a little time, I better +considering the matter, was willing to put myself upon the trial +whether I had faith or no. But alas, poor wretch! so +ignorant and brutish was I, that I knew not to this day no more +how to do it, than I know how to begin and accomplish that rare +and curious piece of art, which I never yet saw or +considered.</p> +<p>51. Wherefore while I was thus considering, and being +put to my plunge about it (for you must know, that as yet I had +in this matter broken my mind to no man, only did hear and +consider), the tempter came in with this delusion, <i>That there +was no way for me to know I had faith</i>, <i>but by trying to +work some miracle</i>; urging those scriptures that seem to look +that way, for the enforcing and strengthening his +temptation. Nay, one day, as I was between <i>Elstow</i> +and <i>Bedford</i>, the temptation was hot upon me, to try if I +had faith, by doing some miracle; which miracle at this time was +this, I must say to the <i>puddles</i> that were in the +horsepads, <i>Be dry</i>; and to the <i>dry places</i>, <i>Be you +puddles</i>: and truly one time I was going to say so indeed; but +just as I was about to speak, this thought came into my mind; +<i>But go under yonder hedge and pray first</i>, <i>that God +would make you able</i>. But when I had concluded to pray, +this came hot upon me; That if I prayed, and came again and tried +to do it, and yet did nothing notwithstanding, then to be sure I +had no faith, but was a cast-away, and lost; nay, thought I, if +it be so, I will not try yet, but will stay a little longer.</p> +<p>52. So I continued at a great loss; for I thought, if +they only had faith, which could do so wonderful things, then I +concluded, that for the present I neither had it, nor yet for the +time to come, were ever like to have it. Thus I was tossed +betwixt the devil and my own ignorance, and so perplexed, +especially at some times, that I could not tell what to do.</p> +<p>53. About this time, the state and happiness of these +poor people at Bedford was thus, <i>in a kind of a vision</i>, +presented to me, I saw as if they were on the sunny side of some +high mountain, there refreshing themselves with the pleasant +beams of the sun, while I was shivering and shrinking in the +cold, afflicted with frost, snow and dark clouds: methought also, +betwixt me and them, I saw a wall that did compass about this +mountain, now through this wall my soul did greatly desire to +pass; concluding, that if I could, I would even go into the very +midst of them, and there also comfort myself with the heat of +their sun.</p> +<p>54. About this wall I bethought myself, to go again and +again, still prying as I went, to see if I could find some way or +passage, by which I might enter therein: but none could I find +for some time: at the last, I saw, as it were, a narrow gap, like +a little door-way in the wall, through which I attempted to pass: +Now the passage being very strait and narrow, I made many offers +to get in, but all in vain, even until I was well-nigh quite beat +out, by striving to get in; at last, with great striving, +methought I at first did get in my head, and after that, by a +sideling striving, my shoulders, and my whole body; then I was +exceeding glad, went and sat down in the midst of them, and so +was comforted with the light and heat of their sun.</p> +<p>55. Now this mountain, and wall, etc., was thus made out +to me: The mountain signified the church of the living God: the +sun that shone thereon, the comfortable shining of His merciful +face on them that were therein; the wall I thought was the word, +that did make separation between the Christians and the world; +and the gap which was in the wall, I thought, was Jesus Christ, +Who is the way to God the Father. John xiv. 6; Matt. vii. +14. But forasmuch as the passage was wonderful narrow, even +so narrow that I could not, but with great difficulty, enter in +thereat, it showed me, that none could enter into life, but those +that were in downright earnest, and unless also they left that +wicked world behind them; for here was only room for body and +soul, but not for body and soul and sin.</p> +<p>56. This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days; all +which time I saw myself in a forlorn and sad condition, but yet +was provoked to a vehement hunger and desire to be one of that +number that did sit in the sunshine: Now also I should pray +wherever I was: whether at home or abroad; in house or field; and +would also often, with lifting up of heart, sing that of the +fifty-first Psalm, <i>O Lord</i>, <i>consider my distress</i>; +for as yet I knew not where I was.</p> +<p>57. Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortable +persuasion that I had faith in Christ; but instead of having +satisfaction here, I began to find my soul to be assaulted with +fresh doubts about my future happiness; especially with such as +these, <i>whether I was elected</i>? <i>But how</i>, <i>if +the day of grace should now be past and gone</i>?</p> +<p>58. By these two temptations I was very much afflicted +and disquieted; sometimes by one, and sometimes by the other of +them. And first, to speak of that about my questioning my +election, I found at this time, that though I was in a flame to +find the way to heaven and glory, and though nothing could beat +me off from this, yet this question did so offend and discourage +me, that I was, especially sometimes, as if the very strength of +my body also had been taken away by the force and power +thereof. This scripture did also seem to me to trample upon +all my desires; <i>It is not of him that willeth</i>, <i>nor of +him that runneth</i>; <i>but of God that showeth mercy</i>. +Rom. ix. 16.</p> +<p>59. With this scripture I could not tell what to do: for +I evidently saw, unless that the great God, of His infinite grace +and bounty, had voluntarily chosen me to be a vessel of mercy, +though I should desire, and long, and labour until my heart did +break, no good could come of it. Therefore this would stick +with me, <i>How can you tell that you are elected</i>? +<i>And what if you should not</i>? <i>How then</i>?</p> +<p>60. O Lord, thought I, what if I should not +indeed? It may be you are not, said the Tempter; it may be +so indeed, thought I. Why then, said Satan, you had as good +leave off, and strive no farther; for if indeed, you should not +be elected and chosen of God, there is no talk of your being +saved; <i>For it is not of him that willeth</i>, <i>nor of him +that runneth</i>; <i>but of God that showeth mercy</i>.</p> +<p>61. By these things I was driven to my wits’ end, +not knowing what to say, or how to answer these temptations: +(indeed, I little thought that Satan had thus assaulted me, but +that rather it was my own prudence thus to start the question): +for that the elect only attained eternal life; that, I without +scruple did heartily close withal; but that myself was one of +them, there lay the question.</p> +<p>62. Thus therefore, for several days, I was greatly +assaulted and perplexed, and was often, when I have been walking, +ready to sink where I went, with faintness in my mind; but one +day, after I had been so many weeks oppressed and cast down +therewith as I was now quite giving up the ghost of all my hopes +of ever attaining life, that sentence fell with weight upon my +spirit, <i>Look at the generations of old</i>, <i>and see</i>; +<i>did ever any trust in God</i>, <i>and were confounded</i>?</p> +<p>63. At which I was greatly lightened, and encouraged in +my soul; for thus, at that very instant, it was expounded to me: +<i>Begin at the beginning of Genesis</i>, <i>and read to the end +of the Revelations</i>, <i>and see if you can find</i>, <i>that +there were ever any that trusted in the Lord</i>, <i>and were +confounded</i>. So coming home, I presently went to my +Bible, to see if I could find that saying, not doubting but to +find it presently; for it was so fresh, and with such strength +and comfort on my spirit, that it was as if it talked with +me.</p> +<p>64. Well, I looked, but I found it not; only it abode +upon me: Then did I ask first this good man, and then another, if +they knew where it was, but they knew no such place. At +this I wondered, that such a sentence should so suddenly, and +with such comfort and strength, seize, and abide upon my heart; +and yet that none could find it (for I doubted not but that it +was in holy scripture).</p> +<p>65. Thus I continued above a year, and could not find +the place; but at last, casting my eye upon the <i>Apocrypha</i> +books, I found it in <i>Ecclesiasticus</i>, Eccles. ii. 10. +This, at the first, did somewhat daunt me; but because by this +time I had got more experience of the love and kindness of God, +it troubled me the less, especially when I considered that though +it was not in those texts that we call holy and canonical; yet +forasmuch as this sentence was the sum and substance of many of +the promises, it was my duty to take the comfort of it; and I +bless God for that word, for it was of God to me: that word doth +still at times shine before my face.</p> +<p>66. After this, that other doubt did come with strength +upon me, <i>But how if the day of grace should be past and +gone</i>? How if you have overstood the time of +mercy? Now I remember that one day, as I was walking in the +country, I was much in the thoughts of this, <i>But how if the +day of grace is past</i>? And to aggravate my trouble, the +Tempter presented to my mind those good people of <i>Bedford</i>, +and suggested thus unto me, that these being converted already, +they were all that God would save in those parts; and that I came +too late, for these had got the blessing before I came.</p> +<p>67. Now I was in great distress, thinking in very deed +that this might well be so; wherefore I went up and down, +bemoaning my sad condition; counting myself far worse than a +thousand fools for standing off thus long, and spending so many +years in sin as I had done; still crying out, Oh! that I had +turned sooner! Oh! that I had turned seven years ago! +It made me also angry with myself, to think that I should have no +more wit, but to trifle away my time, till my soul and heaven +were lost.</p> +<p>68. But when I had been long vexed with this fear, and +was scarce able to take one step more, just about the same place +where I received my other encouragement, these words broke in +upon my mind, <i>Compel them to come in</i>, <i>that my house may +be filled</i>; <i>and yet there is room</i>. Luke xiv. 22, +23. These words, but especially those, <i>And yet there is +room</i>, were sweet words to me; for truly I thought that by +them I saw there was place enough in heaven for me; and moreover, +that when the Lord Jesus did speak these words, He then did think +of me: and that He knowing that the time would come, that I +should be afflicted with fear, that there was no place left for +me in His bosom, did before speak this word, and leave it upon +record, that I might find help thereby against this vile +temptation. This I then verily believed.</p> +<p>69. In the light and encouragement of this word I went a +pretty while; and the comfort was the more, when I thought that +the Lord Jesus should think on me so long ago, and that He should +speak those words on purpose for my sake; for I did think verily, +that He did on purpose speak them to encourage me withal.</p> +<p>70. But I was not without my temptations to go back +again; temptations I say, both from Satan, mine own heart, and +carnal acquaintance; but I thank God these were outweighed by +that sound sense of death, and of the day of judgment, which +abode, as it were, continually in my view: I would often also +think on <i>Nebuchadnezzar</i>; of whom it is said, <i>He had +given him all the kingdoms of the earth</i>. Dan. v. 18, +19. Yet, thought I, if this great man had all his portion +in this world, one hour in hell-fire would make him forget +all. Which consideration was a great help to me.</p> +<p>71. I was also made, about this time, to see something +concerning the beasts that <i>Moses</i> counted clean and +unclean: I thought those beasts were types of men; the +<i>clean</i>, types of them that were the people of God; but the +<i>unclean</i>, types of such as were the children of the wicked +one. Now I read, that the clean beasts <i>chewed the +cud</i>; that is, thought I, they show us, we must feed upon the +word of God: they also <i>parted the hoof</i>. I thought +that signified, we must part, if we would be saved, with the ways +of ungodly men. And also, in further reading about them, I +found, that though we did chew the cud, as the <i>hare</i>; yet +if we walked with claws, like a dog; or if we did part the hoof, +like the <i>swine</i>, yet if we did not chew the cud, as the +sheep, we were still, for all that, but unclean: for I thought +the <i>hare</i> to be a type of those that talk of the word, yet +walk in the ways of sin; and that the <i>swine</i> was like him +that parted with his outward pollutions, but still wanteth the +word of faith, without which there could be no way of salvation, +let a man be never so devout. Deut. xiv. After this, +I found by reading the word, that those that must be glorified +with Christ in another world <i>must be called by Him here</i>; +called to the partaking of a share in His word and righteousness, +and to the comforts and first-fruits of His Spirit; and to a +peculiar interest in all those heavenly things, which do indeed +prepare the soul for that rest, and house of glory, which is in +heaven above.</p> +<p>72. Here again I was at a very I great stand, not +knowing what to do, fearing I was not called; for, thought I, if +I be not called, what then can do me good? None but those +who are effectually called inherit the kingdom of heaven. +But oh! how I now loved those words that spake of a +<i>Christian’s calling</i>! as when the Lord said to one, +<i>Follow Me</i>; and to another, <i>Come after Me</i>: and oh, +thought I, that He would say so to me too: how gladly would I run +after Him!</p> +<p>73. I cannot now express with what longings and +breathings in my soul, I cried to Christ to call me. Thus I +continued for a time, all on a flame to be converted to Jesus +Christ; and did also see at that day, such glory in a converted +state, that I could not be contented without a share +therein. Gold! could it have been gotten for gold, what +would I have given for it? Had I had a whole world, it had +all gone ten thousand times over for this, that my soul might +have been in a converted state.</p> +<p>74. How lovely now was every one in my eyes, that I +thought to be converted men and women. They shone, they +walked like a people that carried the broad seal of heaven about +them. Oh! I saw the lot was fallen to them in pleasant +places, and they had a goodly heritage. Psalm xvi. +But that which made me sick, was that of Christ, in St Mark, +<i>He goeth up into a mountain</i>, <i>and calleth unto Him whom +He would</i>, <i>and they came unto Him</i>. Mark iii. +13.</p> +<p>75. This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it +kindled fire in my soul. That which made me fear, was this; +lest Christ should have no liking to me, for He called <i>whom He +would</i>. But oh! the glory that I saw in that condition, +did still so engage my heart, that I could seldom read of any +that Christ did call, but I presently wished, <i>Would I had been +in their clothes</i>, <i>would I had been born Peter</i>; +<i>would I had been born John</i>; <i>or</i>, <i>would I had been +by and had heard Him when He called them</i>, <i>how would I have +cried</i>, <i>O Lord</i>, <i>call me also</i>! <i>But</i>, +<i>oh</i>! <i>I feared He would not call me</i>.</p> +<p>76. And truly, the Lord let me go thus many months +together, and shewed me nothing; either that I was already, or +should be called hereafter: but at last after much time spent, +and many groans to God, that I might be made partaker of the holy +and heavenly calling; that word came in upon me: <i>I will +cleanse their blood</i>, <i>that I have not cleansed</i>, <i>for +the Lord dwelleth in Zion</i>. Joel iii. 21. These +words I thought were sent to encourage me to wait still upon God; +and signified unto me, that if I were not already, yet time might +come, I might be in truth converted unto Christ.</p> +<p>77. About this time I began to break my mind to those +poor people in <i>Bedford</i>, and to tell them my condition; +which when they had heard, they told Mr Gifford of me, who +himself also took occasion to talk with me, and was willing to be +well persuaded of me, though I think from little grounds: but he +invited me to his house, where I should hear him confer with +others, about the dealings of God with their souls; from all +which I still received more conviction, and from that time began +to see something of the vanity and inward wretchedness of my +wicked heart; for as yet I knew no great matter therein; but now +it began to be discovered unto me, and also to work at that rate +as it never did before. Now I evidently found, that lusts +and corruptions put forth themselves within me, in wicked +thoughts and desires, which I did not regard before; my desires +also for heaven and life began to fail; I found also, that +whereas before my soul was full of longing after God, now it +began to hanker after every foolish vanity; yea, my heart would +not be moved to mind that which was good; it began to be +careless, both of my soul and heaven; it would now continually +hang back, both to, and in every duty; and was as a clog on the +leg of a bird, to hinder me from flying.</p> +<p>78. Nay, thought I, now I grow worse and worse: now I am +farther from conversion than ever I was before. Wherefore I +began to sink greatly in my soul, and began to entertain such +discouragement in my heart, as laid me as low as hell. If +now I should have burned at the stake, I could not believe that +Christ had love for me: alas! I could neither hear Him, nor +see Him, nor feel Him, nor favour any of His things; I was driven +as with a tempest, my heart would be unclean, and the +<i>Canaanites</i> would dwell in the land.</p> +<p>79. Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of +God; which, when they heard, they would pity me, and would tell +me of the promises; but they had as good have told me, that I +must reach the sun with my finger, as have bidden me receive or +rely upon the promises: and as soon I should have done it. +All my sense and feeling were against me; and I saw I had an +heart that would sin, and that lay under a law that would +condemn.</p> +<p>80. These things have often made me think of the child +which the father brought to Christ, <i>who</i>, <i>while he was +yet coming to Him</i>, <i>was thrown down by the devil</i>, +<i>and also so rent and torn by him</i>, <i>that he lay down and +wallowed</i>, <i>foaming</i>. Luke ix. 42; Mark ix. 20.</p> +<p>81. Further, in these days, I would find my heart to +shut itself up against the Lord, and against His holy word: I +have found my unbelief to set, as it were, the shoulder to the +door, to keep Him out; and that too even then, when I have with +many a bitter sigh, cried, Good Lord, break it open: <i>Lord</i>, +<i>break these gates of brass</i>, <i>and cut these bars of iron +asunder</i>. Psalm cvii. 16. Yet that word would +sometimes create in my heart a peaceable pause, <i>I girded +thee</i>, <i>though thou hast not known Me</i>. Isaiah xlv. +5.</p> +<p>82. But all this while, as to the act of sinning, I was +never more tender than now: my hinder parts were inward: I durst +not take a pin or stick, though but so big as a straw; for my +conscience now was sore, and would smart at every touch: I could +not now tell how to speak my words, for fear I should misplace +them. Oh, how gingerly did I then go, in all I did or +said! I found myself as on a miry bog, that shook if I did +but stir, and was, as there, left both of God and Christ, and the +Spirit, and all good things.</p> +<p>83. But I observed, though I was such a great sinner +before conversion, yet God never much charged the guilt of the +sins of my ignorance upon me; only He showed me, I was lost if I +had not Christ, because I had been a sinner: I saw that I wanted +a perfect righteousness to present me without fault before God, +and this righteousness was no where to be found, but in the +Person of Jesus Christ.</p> +<p>84. But my original and inward pollution; That, that was +my plague and affliction, that I saw at a dreadful rate, always +putting forth itself within me; that I had the guilt of, to +amazement; by reason of that, I was more loathsome in mine own +eyes than was a toad, and I thought I was so in God’s eyes +too: Sin and corruption, I said, would as naturally bubble out of +my heart, as water would bubble out of a fountain: I thought now, +that every one had a better heart than I had; I could have +changed heart with any body; I thought none but the devil himself +could equalise me for inward wickedness and pollution of +mind. I fell therefore at the sight of my own vileness +deeply into despair; for I concluded, that this condition that I +was in, could not stand with a state of grace. Sure, +thought I, I am forsaken of God; sure, I am given up to the +devil, and to a reprobate mind: and thus I continued a long +while, even for some years together.</p> +<p>85. While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own +damnation, there were two things would make me wonder; the one +was, when I saw old people hunting after the things of this life, +as if they should live here always: the other was, when I found +professors much distressed and cast down, when they met with +outward losses; as of husband, wife, child, etc. Lord, +thought I, what a-do is here about such little things as +these! What seeking after carnal things, by some, and what +grief in others for the loss of them! if they so much labour +after, and shed so many tears for the things of this present +life, how am I to be bemoaned, pitied, and prayed for! My +soul is dying, my soul is damning. Were my soul but in a +good condition, and were I but sure of it, ah! how rich should I +esteem myself, though blessed but with bread and water! I +should count those but small afflictions, and should bear them as +little burthens. <i>A wounded spirit who can bear</i>!</p> +<p>86. And though I was much troubled, and tossed, and afflicted, +with the sight and sense and terror of my own wickedness, yet I +was afraid to let this sight and sense go quite off my mind: that +unless guilt of conscience was taken off the right way, that is, +by the blood of Christ a man grew rather worse for the loss of +his trouble of mind, than better. Wherefore, if my guilt +lay hard upon me, then I should cry that the blood of Christ +might take it off: and if it was going off without it (for the +sense of sin would be sometimes as if it would die, and go quite +away), then I would also strive to fetch it upon my heart again, +by bringing the punishment of sin in hell fire upon my spirit; +and should cry, <i>Lord</i>, <i>let it not go off my heart</i>, +<i>but the right way</i>, <i>by the blood of Christ</i>, <i>and +the application of Thy mercy</i>, <i>through Him</i>, <i>to my +soul</i>, for that scripture lay much upon me, <i>without +shedding of blood is no remission</i>. Heb. ix. 22. +And that which made me the more afraid of this, was, because I +had seen some, who though when they were under wounds of +conscience, would cry and pray; yet seeking rather present ease +from their trouble, than pardon for their sin, cared not how they +lost their guilt, so they got it out of their mind: now, having +got it off the wrong way, it was not sanctified unto them; but +they grew harder and blinder, and more wicked after their +trouble. This made me afraid, and made me cry to God the +more, that it might not be so with me.</p> +<p>87. And now I was sorry that God had made me man, for I +feared I was a reprobate; I counted man as unconverted, the most +doleful of all the creatures. Thus being afflicted and +tossed about my sad condition, I counted myself alone, and above +the most of men unblessed.</p> +<p>88. Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I should +attain to so much goodness of heart, as to thank God that He had +made me a man. Man indeed is the most noble by creation, of +all creatures in the visible world; but by sin he has made +himself the most ignoble. The beasts, birds, fishes, +etc. I blessed their condition; for they had not a sinful +nature; they were not obnoxious to the wrath of God; they were +not to go to hell-fire after death; I could therefore have +rejoiced, had my condition been as any of theirs.</p> +<p>89. In this condition I went a great while, but when +comforting time was come, I heard one preach a sermon on these +words in the song, Song iv. 1, <i>Behold</i>, <i>thou art +fair</i>, <i>my love</i>, <i>behold</i>, <i>thou art +fair</i>. But at that time he made these two words, <i>my +love</i>, his chief and subject matter: from which, after he had +a little opened the text, he observed these several conclusions: +1. <i>That the church</i>, <i>and so every saved soul</i>, <i>is +Christ’s love</i>, <i>when loveless</i>. 2. +<i>Christ’s love without a cause</i>. 3. +<i>Christ’s love</i>, <i>when hated of the world</i>. +4. <i>Christ’s love</i>, <i>when under temptation and under +destruction</i>. 5. <i>Christ’s love</i>, <i>from +first to last</i>.</p> +<p>90. But I got nothing by what he said at present; only +when he came to the application of the fourth particular, this +was the word he said; <i>If it be so</i>, <i>that the saved soul +is Christ’s love</i>, <i>when under temptation and +desertion</i>; <i>then poor tempted soul</i>, <i>when thou art +assaulted</i>, <i>and afflicted with temptations</i>, <i>and the +hidings of God’s face</i>, <i>yet think on these two +words</i>, ‘My love,’ <i>still</i>.</p> +<p>91. So as I was going home, these words came again into +my thoughts; and I well remember, as they came in, I said thus in +my heart, <i>What shall I get by thinking on these two +words</i>? This thought had no sooner passed through my +heart, but these words began thus to kindle in my spirit, <i>Thou +art My Love</i>, <i>thou art My Dove</i>, twenty times together; +and still as they ran in my mind, they waxed stronger and warmer, +and began to make me look up; but being as yet, between hope and +fear, I still replied in my heart, <i>But is it true</i>, <i>but +is it true</i>? At which that sentence fell upon me, <i>He +wist not that it was true</i>, <i>which was done by the +Angel</i>. Acts xii. 9.</p> +<p>92. Then I began to give place to the word which with +power, did over and over make this joyful sound within my soul, +‘<i>Thou art my Love</i>, <i>thou art My Love</i>, <i>and +nothing shall separate thee from My Love</i>. And with that +my heart was filled full of comfort and hope, and now I could +believe that my sins should be forgiven me; yea, I was now so +taken with the love and mercy of God, that I remember I could not +tell how to contain till I got home: I thought I could have +spoken of His love, and have told of His mercy to me, even to the +very crows, that sat upon the ploughed lands before me, had they +been capable to have understood me: wherefore I said in my soul, +with much gladness, <i>Well</i>, <i>I would I had a pen and ink +here</i>, <i>I would write this down before I go any farther</i>; +<i>for surely I will not forget this forty years hence</i>. +But, alas! within less than forty days I began to question all +again; which made me begin to question all still.</p> +<p>93. Yet still at times I was helped to believe, that it +was a true manifestation of grace unto my soul, though I had lost +much of the life and favour of it. Now about a week or a +fortnight after this I was much followed by this scripture, +<i>Simon</i>, <i>Simon</i>; <i>behold</i>, <i>Satan hath desired +to have you</i>, Luke xxii. 31, and sometimes it would sound so +loud within me, yea, and as it was, call so strongly after me, +that once, above all the rest, I turned my head over my shoulder, +thinking verily that some man had behind me, called me; being at +a great distance, methought he called so loud: it came, as I have +thought since, to have stirred me up to prayer, and to +watchfulness: it came to acquaint me, that a cloud and a storm +was coming down upon me: but I understood it not.</p> +<p>94. Also, as I remember, that time that it called to me +so loud, was the last time that it sounded in mine ears; but me +thinks I hear still with what a loud voice these words, +<i>Simon</i>, <i>Simon</i>, sounded in mine ears. I thought +verily, as I have told you, that somebody had called after me, +that was half a mile behind me: and although that was not my +name, yet it made me suddenly look behind me, believing that he +that called so loud, meant me.</p> +<p>95. But so foolish was I, and ignorant, that I knew not +the reason of this sound; (which as I did both see and feel soon +after, was sent from heaven as an alarm, to awaken me to provide +for what was coming,) only I should muse and wonder in my mind, +to think what should be the reason of this scripture, and that at +this rate, so often and so loud, should still be sounding and +rattling in mine ears: but, as I said before, I soon after +perceived the end of God therein.</p> +<p>96. For, about the space of a month after, a very great +storm came down upon me, which handled me twenty times worse than +all I had met with before; it came stealing upon me, now by one +piece, then by another: First, all my comfort was taken from me; +then darkness seized upon me; after which, whole floods of +blasphemies, both against God, Christ, and the scriptures, were +poured upon my spirit, to my great confusion and +astonishment. These blasphemous thoughts were such as +stirred up questions in me against the very being of God, and of +His only beloved Son: As, whether there were in truth, a God or +Christ? And whether the holy scriptures were not rather a +fable, and cunning story, than the holy and pure word of God?</p> +<p>97. The tempter would also much assault me with this, +<i>How can you tell but that the</i> Turks <i>had as good +scriptures to prove their</i> Mahomet <i>the Saviour</i>, <i>as +we have to prove our Jesus is</i>? <i>And</i>, <i>could I +think</i>, <i>that so many ten thousands</i>, <i>in so many +countries and kingdoms</i>, <i>should be without the knowledge of +the right way to heaven</i>, (<i>if there were indeed a +heaven</i>); <i>and that we only</i>, <i>who live in a corner of +the earth</i>, <i>should alone be blessed therewith</i>? +<i>Every one doth think his own religion rightest</i>, +<i>both</i> Jews <i>and</i> Moors, <i>and</i> Pagans; <i>and how +if all our faith</i>, <i>and Christ</i>, <i>and scriptures</i>, +<i>should be but a think so too</i>?</p> +<p>98. Sometimes I have endeavoured to argue against these +suggestions, and to set some of the sentences of blessed +<i>Paul</i> against them; but alas! I quickly felt, when I thus +did, such arguings as these would return again upon me, <i>Though +we made so great a matter of Paul</i>, <i>and of his words</i>, +<i>yet how could I tell</i>, <i>but that in very deed</i>, <i>he +being a subtle and cunning man</i>, <i>might give himself up to +deceive with strong delusions</i>: <i>and also take the pains and +travel</i>, <i>to undo and destroy his fellows</i>.</p> +<p>99. These suggestions, (with many others which at this +time I may not, and dare not utter, neither by word or pen,) did +make such a seizure upon my spirit, and did so overweigh my +heart, both with their number, continuance, and fiery force, that +I felt as if there were nothing else but these from morning to +night within me; and as though indeed there could be room for +nothing else; and also concluded, that God had, in very wrath to +my soul, given me up to them, to be carried away with them, as +with a mighty whirlwind.</p> +<p>100. Only by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit, +<i>I felt there was something in me that refused to embrace +them</i>. But this consideration I then only had, when God +gave me leave to swallow my spittle; otherwise the noise, and +strength, and force of these temptations would drown and +overflow, and as it were, bury all such thoughts, or the +remembrance of any such thing. While I was in this +temptation, I often found my mind suddenly put upon it to curse +and swear, or to speak some grievous thing against God, or Christ +His Son, and of the scriptures.</p> +<p>101. Now I thought, <i>surely I am possessed of the +devil</i>: at other times, again, I thought I should be bereft of +my wits; for instead of lauding and magnifying God the Lord, with +others, if I have but heard Him spoken of, presently some most +horrible blasphemous thought or other would bolt out of my heart +against Him; so that whether I did think that God was, or again +did think there was no such thing, no love, nor peace, nor +gracious disposition could I feel within me.</p> +<p>102. These things did sink me into very deep despair; +for I concluded that such things could not possibly be found +amongst them that loved God. I often, when these +temptations had been with force upon me, did compare myself to +the case of such a child, whom some gipsy hath by force took up +in her arms, and is carrying from friend and country. Kick +sometimes I did, and also shriek and cry; but yet I was bound in +the wings of the temptation, and the wind would carry me +away. I thought also of Saul, and of the evil spirit that +did possess him: and did greatly fear that my condition was the +same with that of his. 1 Sam. x.</p> +<p>103. In these days, when I have heard others talk of +what was the sin against the Holy Ghost, then would the tempter +so provoke me to desire to sin that against sin, that I was as if +I could not, must not, neither should be quiet until I had +committed it; now no sin would serve but that. If it were +to be committed by speaking of such a word, then I have been as +if my mouth would have spoken that word, whether I would or no; +and in so strong a measure was this temptation upon me, that +often I have been ready to clap my hand under my chin, to hold my +mouth from opening; and to that end also, I have had thoughts at +other times, to leap with my head downward, into some +muckhill-hole or other, to keep my mouth from speaking.</p> +<p>104. Now again I beheld the condition of the dog and +toad, and counted the estate of every thing that God had made, +far better than this dreadful state of mine, and such as my +companions were. Yea, gladly would I have been in the +condition of a dog or horse: for I knew they had no souls to +perish under the everlasting weight of hell, or sin, as mine was +like to do. Nay, and though I saw this, felt this, and was +broken to pieces with it; yet that which added to my sorrow was, +I could not find, that with all my soul I did desire +deliverance. That scripture did also tear and rend my soul +in the midst of these distractions, <i>The wicked are like the +troubled sea</i>, <i>when it cannot rest</i>, <i>whose waters +cast up mire and dirt</i>. <i>There is no peace</i>, +<i>saith my God</i>, <i>to the wicked</i>. Isa. lvii. 20, +21.</p> +<p>105. And now my heart was, at times, exceeding hard; if +I would have given a thousand pounds for a tear, I could not shed +one: no nor sometimes scarce desire to shed one. I was much +dejected, to think that this would be my lot. I saw some +could mourn and lament their sin; and others again, could rejoice +and bless God for Christ; and others again, could quietly talk +of, and with gladness remember the word of God; while I only was +in the storm or tempest. This much sunk me, I thought my +condition was alone, I should therefore much bewail my hard hap, +but get out of, or get rid of these things, I could not.</p> +<p>106. While this temptation lasted, which was about a +year, I could attend upon none of the ordinances of God, but with +sore and great affliction. Yea, then I was most distressed +with blasphemies. If I had been hearing the word, then +uncleanness, blasphemies and despair would hold me a captive +there: if I have been reading, then sometimes I had sudden +thoughts to question all I read: sometimes again, my mind would +be so strangely snatched away, and possessed with other things, +that I have neither known, nor regarded, nor remembered so much +as the sentence that but now I have read.</p> +<p>107. In prayer also I have been greatly troubled at this +time; sometimes I have thought I have felt him behind me pulling +my clothes: he would be also continually at me in time of prayer, +to have done, break off, make haste, you have prayed enough, and +stay no longer; still drawing my mind away. Sometimes also +he would cast in such wicked thoughts as these; that I must pray +to him, or for him: I have thought sometimes of that, <i>Fall +down</i>; or, <i>if thou wilt fall down and worship me</i>. +Matt. iii. 9.</p> +<p>108. Also, when because I have had wandering thoughts in +the time of this duty, I have laboured to compose my mind, and +fix it upon God; then with great force hath the tempter laboured +to distract me, and confound me, and to turn away my mind, by +presenting to my heart and fancy, the form of a bush, a bull, a +besom, or the like, as if I should pray to these: To these he +would also (at sometimes especially) so hold my mind, that I was +as if I could think of nothing else, or pray to nothing else but +to these, or such as they.</p> +<p>109. Yet at times I should have some strong and +heart-affecting apprehensions of God, and the reality of the +truth of His gospel. But, oh! how would my heart, at such +times, put forth itself with unexpressible groanings. My +whole soul was then in every word; I should cry with pangs after +God, that He would be merciful unto me; but then I should be +daunted again with such conceits as these: I should think that +God did mock at these my prayers, saying, and that in the +audience of the holy angels, <i>This poor simple wretch doth +hanker after Me</i>, <i>as if I had nothing to do with My +mercy</i>, <i>but to bestow it on such as he</i>. +<i>Alas</i>, <i>poor soul</i>! <i>how art thou +deceived</i>! <i>It is not for such as thee to have favour +with the Highest</i>.</p> +<p>110. Then hath the tempter come upon me, also, with such +discouragements as these: <i>You are very hot for mercy</i>, +<i>but I will cool you</i>; <i>this frame shall not last +always</i>: <i>many have been as hot as you for a spurt</i>, +<i>but I have quenched their zeal</i> (and with this, such and +such, who were fallen off, would be set before mine eyes). +Then I should be afraid that I should do so too: But, thought I, +I am glad this comes into my mind: well, I will watch, and take +what care I can. <i>Though you do</i>, said Satan, <i>I +shall be too hard for you</i>; <i>I will cool you insensibly</i>, +<i>by degrees</i>, <i>by little and little</i>. <i>What +care I</i>, saith he, <i>though I be seven years in chilling your +heart</i>, <i>if I can do it at last</i>? <i>Continual +rocking will lull a crying child asleep</i>: <i>I will ply it +close</i>, <i>but I will have my end accomplished</i>. +<i>Though you be burning hot at present</i>, <i>I can pull you +from this fire</i>; <i>I shall have you cold before it be +long</i>.</p> +<p>111. These things brought me into great straits; for as +I at present could not find myself fit for present death, so I +thought, to live long, would make me yet more unfit; for time +would make me forget all, and wear even the remembrance of the +evil of sin, the worth of heaven, and the need I had of the blood +of Christ to wash me, both out of mind and thought: but I thank +Christ Jesus, these things did not at present make me slack my +crying, but rather did put me more upon it (<i>like her who met +with adulterer</i>, Deut. xxii. 26), in which days that was a +good word to me, after I had suffered these things a +while:—<i>I am persuaded that neither death</i>, <i>nor +life</i>, <i>etc.</i>, <i>shall be able to separate us from the +love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord</i>. Rom. +viii. 38, 39. And now I hoped long life would not destroy +me, nor make me miss of heaven.</p> +<p>112. Yet I had some supports in this temptation, though +they were then all questioned by me; that in <i>Jer. iii.</i> at +the first was something to me; and so was the consideration of +verse 5 of that chapter; that though we have spoken and done as +evil things as we could, yet we should cry unto God, <i>My +Father</i>, <i>Thou art the Guide of my youth</i>, and shall +return unto Him.</p> +<p>113. I had, also, once a sweet glance from that in 2 +Cor. v. 21:<i> For He hath made Him to be sin for us</i>, <i>Who +knew no sin</i>, <i>that we might be made the righteousness of +God in Him</i>. I remember that one day, as I was sitting +in a neighbour’s house, and there very sad at the +consideration of my many blasphemies; and as I was saying in my +mind, <i>What ground have I to say that</i>, <i>who have been so +vile and abominable</i>, <i>should ever inherit eternal +life</i>? That word came suddenly upon me, <i>What shall we +say to these things</i>? <i>If God be for us</i>, <i>who +can be against us</i>? Rom. viii. 31. That also was an help +unto me, <i>Because I live</i>, <i>ye shall live also</i>. +John xiv. 19. But these words were but hints, touches, and +short visits, though very sweet when present; only they lasted +not; but, <i>like to</i> Peter’s <i>sheet</i>, <i>of a +sudden were caught up from me</i>, <i>to heaven again</i>. +Acts x. 16.</p> +<p>114. But afterwards the Lord did more fully and +graciously discover Himself unto me, and indeed, did quite, not +only deliver me from the guilt that, by these things was laid +upon my conscience, but also from the very filth thereof; for the +temptation was removed, and I was put into my right mind again, +as other Christians were.</p> +<p>115. I remember that one day, as I was travelling into +the country, and musing on the wickedness and blasphemy of my +heart, and considering the enmity that was in me to God, that +scripture came into my mind, <i>Having made peace through the +blood of His cross</i>. Col. i. 20. By which I was +made to see, both again and again, that God and my soul were +friends by His blood; yea, I saw that the justice of God, and my +sinful soul could embrace and kiss each other, through His +blood. This was a good day to me; I hope I shall never +forget it.</p> +<p>116. At another time, as I sat by the fire in my house, +and was musing on my wretchedness, the Lord made that also a +precious word unto me, <i>Forasmuch then as the children are +partakers of flesh and blood</i>, <i>He also Himself likewise +took part of the same</i>, <i>that through death He might destroy +him that had the power of death</i>, <i>that is the devil</i>; +<i>and deliver those who through fear of death</i>, <i>were all +their lifetime subject to bondage</i>. Heb. ii. 14, +15. I thought that the glory of these words was then so +weighty on me, that I was both once and twice ready to swoon as I +sate; yet not with grief and trouble, but with solid joy and +peace.</p> +<p>117. At this time also I sate under of holy Mr +<i>Gifford</i>, whose doctrine, by God’s grace, was much +for my stability. This man made it much his business to +deliver the people of God from all those false and unsound tests, +that by nature we are prone to. He would bid us take +special heed, that we took not up any truth upon trust; as from +this, or that, or any other man or men; but to cry mightily to +God, that He would convince us of the reality thereof, and set us +down therein by His own Spirit in the holy word; <i>For</i>, said +he, <i>if you do otherwise</i>, <i>when temptations come</i>, +<i>if strongly</i>, <i>you not having received them with evidence +from heaven</i>, <i>will find you want that help and strength now +to resist</i>, <i>that once you thought you had</i>.</p> +<p>118. This was as seasonable to my soul, as the former +and latter rains in their season (for I had found, and that by +sad experience, the truth of these his words: for I had felt +<i>no man can say</i>, especially when tempted by the devil, +<i>that Jesus Christ is Lord</i>, <i>but by the Holy +Ghost</i>). Wherefore I found my soul, through grace, very +apt to drink in this doctrine, and to incline to pray to God, +that in nothing that pertained to God’s glory, and my own +eternal happiness, He would suffer me to be without the +confirmation thereof from heaven; for now I saw clearly, there +was an exceeding difference betwixt the notion of the flesh and +blood, and the revelations of God in heaven: also a great +difference betwixt that faith that is feigned, and according to +man’s wisdom, and that which comes by a man’s being +born thereto of God. Matt. xvi. 15; 1 John v. 1.</p> +<p>119. But, oh! now, how was my soul led from truth to +truth by God! Even from the birth and cradle of the Son of +God, to His accession, and second coming from heaven to judge the +world!</p> +<p>120. Truly, I then found, upon this account, the great +God was very good unto me; for, to my remembrance, there was not +any thing that I then cried unto God to make known, and reveal +unto me, but He was pleased to do it for me; I mean, not one part +of the gospel of the Lord Jesus, but I was orderly led into it: +methought I saw with great evidence, from the relation of the +four evangelists, the wonderful work of God, in giving Jesus +Christ to save us, from His conception and birth, even to His +second coming to judgment: methought I was as if I had seen Him +born, as if I had seen Him grow up; as if I had seen Him walk +through this world, from the cradle to the cross; to which also, +when He came, I saw how gently He gave Himself to be hanged, and +nailed on it for my sins and wicked doings. Also as I was +musing on this His progress, that dropped on my spirit, <i>He was +ordained for the slaughter</i>. 1 Peter i. 12, 20.</p> +<p>121. When I have considered also the truth of His +resurrection, and have remembered that word, <i>Touch Me not</i>, +<i>Mary</i>, etc., I have seen as if He had leaped out of the +grave’s mouth, for joy that He was risen again, and had got +the conquest over our dreadful foes. John xx. 17. I +have also in the spirit, seen Him a man, on the right hand of God +the Father for me; and have seen the manner of His coming from +heaven, to judge the world with glory, and have been confirmed in +these things by these scriptures following, Acts i. 9, 10, and +vii. 56, and x. 42; Heb. vii. 24 and ix. 28; Rev. i. 18; 1 Thess. +iv. 17, 18.</p> +<p>112. Once I was troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus +was man as well as God, and God as well as man: and truly, in +those days, let men say what they would, unless I had it with +evidence from heaven, all was nothing to me; I counted myself not +set down in any truth of God. Well, I was much troubled +about this point, and could not tell how to be resolved; at last, +that in Rev. v. 6 came into my mind: <i>And I beheld</i>, +<i>and</i>, <i>to</i>, <i>in the midst of the throne</i>, <i>and +of the four beasts</i>, <i>and in the midst of the elders</i>, +<i>stood a Lamb</i>, <i>as it had been slain</i>. In the +midst of the throne, thought I, there is the Godhead; in the +midst of the elders, there is His manhood; but, oh! methought +this did glister! It was a goodly touch, and gave me sweet +satisfaction. That other scripture also did help me much in +this, <i>For unto us a Child is born</i>, <i>unto us a Son is +given</i>; <i>and the government shall be upon His shoulder</i>: +<i>and His name shall be called Wonderful</i>, <i>Counsellor</i>, +<i>the Mighty God</i>, <i>the Everlasting Father</i>, <i>the +Prince of Peace</i>, etc. Isa. ix. 6.</p> +<p>123. Also besides these teachings of God in His word, +the Lord made use of two things to confirm me in this truth; the +one was the errors of the Quakers and the other was the guilt of +sin; for as the Quakers did oppose this truth, so God did the +more confirm me in it, by leading me into the scripture that did +wonderfully maintain it.</p> +<p>124. The errors that this people then maintained, +were:—</p> +<p>‘1. That the holy scriptures were not the word of +God.</p> +<p>‘2. That every man in the world had the spirit of +Christ, grace, faith, etc.</p> +<p>‘3. That Christ Jesus, as crucified, and dying +sixteen hundred years ago, did not satisfy divine justice for the +sins of the people.</p> +<p>‘4. That Christ’s flesh and blood were +within the saints.</p> +<p>‘5. That the bodies of the good and bad that are +buried in the church-yard, shall not arise again.</p> +<p>‘6. That the resurrection is past with good men +already.</p> +<p>‘7. That that man Jesus, that was crucified +between two thieves, on mount <i>Calvary</i>, in the land of +<i>Canaan</i>, by <i>Jerusalem</i>, was not ascended above the +starry heavens.</p> +<p>‘8. That He should not, even the same Jesus that +died by the hands of the Jews, come again at the last day; and as +man, judge all nations,’ etc.</p> +<p>125. Many more vile and abominable things were in those +days fomented by them, by which I was driven to a more narrow +search of the scriptures, and was through their light and +testimony, not only enlightened, but greatly confirmed and +comforted in the truth: And, as I said, the guilt of sin did help +me much; for still as that would come upon me, the blood of +Christ did take it off again, and again, and again; and that too +sweetly, according to the scripture. <i>O friends</i>! +<i>cry to God to reveal Jesus Christ unto you</i>; <i>there is +none teacheth like Him</i>.</p> +<p>126. It would be too long here to stay, to tell you in +particular, how God did set me down in all the things of Christ, +and how He did, that He might so do, lead me into His words; yea, +and also how He did open them unto me, and make them shine before +me, and cause them to dwell with me, talk with me, and comfort me +over and over, both of His own being, and the being of His Son, +and Spirit, and word, and gospel.</p> +<p>127. Only this, as I said before, I will say unto you +again, that in general, He was pleased to take this course with +me; first, to suffer me to be afflicted with temptations +concerning them, and then reveal them unto me; as sometimes I +should lie under great guilt for sin, even crushed to the ground +therewith; and then the Lord would show me the death of Christ; +yea, so sprinkle my conscience with His blood, that I should +find, and that before I was aware, that in that conscience, where +but just now did reign and rage the law, even there would rest +and abide the peace and love of God, through Christ.</p> +<p>128. Now I had an evidence, as I thought, of my +salvation, from heaven, with many golden seals thereon, all +hanging in my sight. Now could I remember this +manifestation, and the other discovery of grace, with comfort; +and should often long and desire that the last day were come, +that I might be for ever inflamed with the sight, and joy, and +communion of Him, Whose head was crowned with thorns, Whose face +was spit upon, and body broken, and soul made an offering for my +sins. For whereas before I lay continually trembling at the +mouth of hell, now methought I was got so far therefrom, that I +could not, when I looked back, scarce discern it! And oh! +thought I, that I were fourscore years old now, that I might die +quickly, that my soul might be gone to rest.</p> +<p>129. But before I had got thus far out of these my +temptations, I did greatly long to see some ancient godly +man’s experience, who had writ some hundreds of years +before I was born; for those who had writ in our days, I thought +(but I desire them now to pardon me) that they had writ only that +which others felt; or else had, through the strength of their +wits and parts, studied to answer such objections as they +perceived others were perplexed with, without going down +themselves into the deep. Well, after many such longings in +my mind, the God, in Whose hands are all our days and ways, did +cast into my hand (one day) a book of <i>Martin +Luther’s</i>; it was his Comment on the <i>Galatians</i>; +it also was so old, that it was ready to fall piece from piece if +I did but turn it over. Now I was pleased much that such an +old book had fallen into my hand, the which when I had but a +little way perused, I found my condition in his experience so +largely and profoundly handled, as if his book had been written +out of my heart. This made me marvel: for thus thought I, +<i>This man could not know any thing of the state of Christians +now</i>, <i>but must needs write and speak the experience of +former days</i>.</p> +<p>130. Besides, he doth most gravely also in that book, +debate of the rise of these temptations, namely, blasphemy, +desperation, and the like; showing that the law of <i>Moses</i>, +as well as the devil, death, and hell, hath a very great hand +therein: the which, at first, was very strange to me; but +considering and watching, I found it so indeed. But of +particulars here, I intend nothing; only this methinks I must let +fall before all men—I do prefer this book of <i>Martin +Luther</i> upon the <i>Galatians</i> (excepting the Holy Bible) +before all the books that ever I had seen, as most fit for a +wounded conscience.</p> +<p>131. And now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christ +dearly: Oh! methought my soul cleaved unto Him, my affections +cleaved unto Him; I felt love to Him as hot as fire; and now, as +<i>Job</i> said, <i>I thought I should die in my nest</i>; but I +did quickly find, that my great love was but little; and that I, +who had, as I thought, such burning love to Jesus Christ, could +let Him go again for a very trifle,—God can tell how to +abase us, and can hide pride from man. Quickly after this +my love was tried to purpose.</p> +<p>132. For after the Lord had, in this manner, thus +graciously delivered me from this great and sore temptation, and +had set me down so sweetly in the faith of His holy gospel, and +had given me such strong consolation and blessed evidence from +heaven, touching my interest in His love through Christ; the +tempter came upon me again, and that with a more grievous and +dreadful temptation than before.</p> +<p>133. And that was, <i>To sell and part with this most blessed +Christ</i>, <i>to exchange Him for the things of this life</i>, +<i>for any thing</i>. The temptation lay upon me for the +space of a year, and did follow me so continually, that I was not +rid of it one day in a month: no, not sometimes one hour in many +days together, unless when I was asleep.</p> +<p>134. And though, in my judgment, I was persuaded, that +those who were once effectually in Christ (as I hoped, through +His grace, I had seen myself) could never lose Him for ever; +<i>The land shall not be sold for ever</i>, <i>for the land is +mine</i>, saith God. Lev. xxv. 23. Yet it was a +continual vexation to me, to think that I should have so much as +one such thought within me against a Christ, a Jesus, that had +done for me as He had done; and yet then I had almost none +others, but such blasphemous ones.</p> +<p>135. But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor +yet any desire and endeavour to resist, that in the least did +shake or abate the continuation or force and strength thereof; +for it did always, in almost whatever I thought, intermix itself +therewith, in such sort, that I could neither eat my food, stoop +for a pin, chop a stick, or cast mine eye to look on this or +that, but still the temptation would come, <i>Sell Christ for +this</i>, <i>or sell Christ for that</i>; <i>sell Him</i>, +<i>sell Him</i>.</p> +<p>136. Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so +little as a hundred times together, <i>Sell Him</i>, <i>sell +Him</i>, <i>sell Him</i>: against which, I may say, for whole +hours together, I have been forced to stand as continually +leaning and forcing my spirit against it, lest haply, before I +were aware, some wicked thought might arise in my heart, that +might consent thereto; and sometimes the tempter would make me +believe I had consented to it; but then I should be, as tortured +upon a rack for whole days together.</p> +<p>137. This temptation did put me to such scares, lest I +should at some times, I say, consent thereto, and be overcome +therewith, that by the very force of my mind, in labouring to +gainsay and resist this wickedness, my very body would be put +into action or motion, by way of pushing or thrusting with my +hands or elbows; still answering, as fast as the destroyer said, +<i>Sell Him</i>; <i>I will not</i>, <i>I will not</i>, <i>I will +not</i>, <i>I will not</i>; <i>no</i>, <i>not for thousands</i>, +<i>thousands</i>, <i>thousands of worlds</i>: thus reckoning, +lest I should, in the midst of these assaults, set too low a +value on Him; even until I scarce well knew where I was, or how +to be composed again.</p> +<p>138. At these seasons he would not let me eat my food at +quiet; but, forsooth, when I was set at the table at my meat, I +must go hence to pray; I must leave my food now, just now, so +counterfeit holy also would this devil be. When I was thus +tempted, I would say in myself, <i>Now I am at meat</i>; <i>let +me make an end</i>. No, said he, <i>you must do it now</i>, +<i>or you will displease God</i>, <i>and despise +Christ</i>. Wherefore I was much afflicted with these +things; and because of the sinfulness of my nature (imagining +that these were impulses from God), I should deny to do it, as if +I denied God, and then should I be as guilty, because I did not +obey a temptation of the devil, as if I had broken the law of God +indeed.</p> +<p>139. But to be brief: one morning as I did lie in my +bed, I was, as at other times, most fiercely assaulted with this +temptation, <i>To sell and part with Christ</i>; the wicked +suggestion still running in my mind, <i>Sell Him</i>, <i>sell +Him</i>, <i>sell Him</i>, <i>sell Him</i>, <i>sell Him</i>, as +fast as a man could speak: against which also, in my mind, as at +other times, I answered, <i>No</i>, <i>no</i>, <i>not for +thousands</i>, <i>thousands</i>, <i>thousands</i>, at least +twenty times together: but at last, after much striving, even +until I was almost out of breath, I felt this thought pass +through my heart, <i>Let Him go</i>, <i>if He will</i>; and I +thought also, that I felt my heart freely consent thereto. +Oh! the diligence of Satan! Oh! the desperateness of +man’s heart!</p> +<p>140. Now was the battle won, and down fell I as a bird +that is shot from the top of a tree, into great guilt, and +fearful despair. Thus getting out of my bed, I went moping +into the field; but God knows, with as heavy a heart as mortal +man, I think, could bear; where for the space of two hours, I was +like a man bereft of life; and, as now, past all recovery, and +bound over to eternal punishment.</p> +<p>141. And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul: +<i>Or profane persons as Esau</i>, <i>who for one morsel of +meat</i>, <i>sold his birthright</i>: <i>for ye know</i>, <i>how +that afterward</i>, <i>when he would have inherited the +blessing</i>, <i>he was rejected</i>; <i>for he found no place of +repentance</i>, <i>though he sought it carefully with +tears</i>. Heb. xii. 16, 17.</p> +<p>142. Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut up unto +the judgment to come; nothing now, for two years together, would +abide with me, but damnation, and an expectation of damnation: I +say, nothing now would abide with me but this, save some few +moments for relief, as in the sequel you will see.</p> +<p>143. These words were to my soul, like fetters of brass +to my legs, in the continual sound of which I went for several +months together. But about ten or eleven o’clock on +that day, as I was walking under an hedge (full of sorrow and +guilt, God knows), and bemoaning myself for this hard hap, that +such a thought should arise within me, suddenly this sentence +rushed in upon me, <i>The blood of Christ remits all +guilt</i>. At this I made a stand in my spirit: with that +this word took hold upon me, <i>The blood of Jesus Christ His +Son</i>, <i>cleanseth us from all sin</i>. 1 John i. 7.</p> +<p>144. Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, and +methought I saw, as if the tempter did leer and steal away from +me, as being ashamed of what he had done. At the same time +also I had my sin, and the blood of Christ, thus represented to +me, That my sin, when compared to the blood of Christ, was no +more to it, than this little clod or stone before me, is to this +vast and wide field that here I see. This gave me good +encouragement for the space of two or three hours; in which time +also, methought, I saw, by faith, the Son of God, as suffering +for my sins: but because it tarried not, I therefore sunk in my +spirit, under exceeding guilt again.</p> +<p>145. But chiefly by the aforementioned scripture +concerning <i>Esau’s</i> selling of his birthright; for +that scripture would lie all day long, all the week long, yea, +all the year long in my mind, and hold me down, so that I could +by no means lift up myself; for when I would strive to turn to +this scripture or that, for relief, still that sentence would be +sounding in me; <i>For ye know</i>, <i>how that afterwards</i>, +<i>when he would have inherited the blessing</i>, <i>he found no +place of repentance</i>, <i>though he sought it carefully with +tears</i>.</p> +<p>146. Sometimes, indeed, I should have a touch from that +in Luke xxii. 31, <i>I have prayed for thee that thy faith fail +not</i>; but it would not abide upon me; neither could I, indeed, +when I considered my state, find ground to conceive in the least, +that there should be the root of that grace in me, having sinned +as I had done. Now was I tore and rent in an heavy case for +many days together.</p> +<p>147. Then began I with sad and careful heart to consider +of the nature and largeness of my sin, and to search into the +word of God, if I could in any place espy a word of promise, or +any encouraging sentence, by which I might take relief. +Wherefore I began to consider that of Mark iii. 28: <i>All sins +shall be forgiven unto the sons of men</i>, <i>and blasphemies +wherewith soever they shall blaspheme</i>. Which place, +methought at a blush, did contain a large and glorious promise +for the pardon of high offences; but considering the place more +fully, I thought it was rather to be understood, as relating more +chiefly to those who had, while in a natural estate, committed +such things as there are mentioned; but not to me, who had not +only received light and mercy, but that had both after, and also +contrary to that, so slighted Christ as I had done.</p> +<p>148. I feared, therefore, that this wicked sin of mine, +might be that sin unpardonable, of which He there thus +speaketh. <i>But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy +Ghost</i>, <i>hath never forgiveness</i>, <i>but is in danger of +eternal damnation</i>. Mark iii. 29. And I did the +rather give credit to this, because of that sentence in the +Hebrews: <i>For you know how that afterwards</i>, <i>when he +would have inherited the blessing</i>, <i>he was rejected</i>; +<i>for he found no place of repentance</i>, <i>though he sought +it carefully with tears</i>. And this stuck always with +me.</p> +<p>149. And now was I both a burthen and a terror to +myself; nor did I ever so know, as now, what it was to be weary +of my life, and yet afraid to die. Oh! how gladly now would +I have been anybody but myself! anything but a man, and in any +condition but my own! For there was nothing did pass more +frequently over my mind, than that it was impossible for me to be +forgiven my transgression, and to be saved from the wrath to +come.</p> +<p>150. And now I began to call again time that was spent; +wishing a thousand times twice told, that the day was yet to come +when I should be tempted to such a sin; concluding with great +indignation, both against my heart, and all assaults, how I would +rather have been torn in pieces, than be found a consenter +thereto. But alas! these thoughts, and wishings, and +resolvings were now too late to help me; this thought had passed +my heart, God hath let me go, and I am fallen. Oh! thought +I, <i>that it were with me as in months past</i>, <i>as in the +days when God preserved me</i>! Job xxix. 2.</p> +<p>151. Then again, being loth and unwilling to perish, I +began to compare my sin with others to see if I could find that +any of those that were saved, had done as I had done. So I +considered <i>David’s</i> adultery, and murder, and found +them most heinous crimes; and those too committed after light and +grace received: but yet by considering that his transgressions +were only such as were against the law of <i>Moses</i>, from +which the Lord Christ could, with the consent of His word, +deliver him: but mine was against the gospel; yea, against the +Mediator thereof; I had sold my Saviour.</p> +<p>152. Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel, +when I considered, that, besides the guilt that possessed me, I +should be so void of grace, so bewitched. What, thought I, +must it be no sin but this? Must it needs be the <i>great +transgression</i>? Ps. xix. 13. Must <i>that wicked +one</i> touch my soul? 1 John v. 18. Oh! what sting +did I find in all these sentences?</p> +<p>153. What, thought I, is there but <i>one</i> sin that +is unpardonable? but <i>one</i> sin that layeth the soul without +the reach of God’s mercy; and must I be guilty of +<i>that</i>? must it needs be that? Is there but one +<i>sin</i> among <i>so many</i> millions of sins, for which there +is no forgiveness; and must I commit this? Oh! unhappy +<i>sin</i>! Oh! unhappy <i>man</i>! These things +would so break and confound my spirit, that I could not tell what +to do; I thought at times, they would have broke my wits; and +still, to aggravate my misery, that would run in my mind, <i>You +know</i>, <i>how</i>, <i>that afterwards</i>, <i>when he would +have inherited the blessing</i>, <i>he was rejected</i>. +<i>Oh</i>! <i>no one knows the terrors of those days but +myself</i>.</p> +<p>154. After this I began to consider of +<i>Peter’s</i> sin, which he committed in denying his +Master: and indeed, this came nighest to mine of any that I could +find, for he had denied his Saviour, as I, after light and mercy +received; yea, and that too, after warning given him. I +also considered, that he did it both once and twice; and that, +after time to consider betwixt. But though I put all these +circumstances together, that, if possible I might find help, yet +I considered again, that his was but <i>a denial of his +Master</i>, but mine was, <i>a selling of my Saviour</i>. +Wherefore I thought with myself, that I came nearer to +<i>Judas</i>, than either to <i>David</i> or <i>Peter</i>.</p> +<p>155. Here again my torment would flame out and afflict +me; yea, it would grind me, as it were to powder, to consider the +preservation of God towards others, while I fell into the snare; +for in my thus considering of other men’s sins, and +comparing them with mine own, I could evidently see, God +preserved them, notwithstanding their wickedness, and would not +let them, as He had let me, become a son of perdition.</p> +<p>156. But oh! how did my soul at this time prize the +preservation that God did set about His people! Ah, how +safely did I see them walk, whom God had hedged in! They +were within His care, protection, and special providence: though +they were full as bad as I by nature; yet because He loved them, +He would not suffer them to fall without the range of mercy: but +as for me, I was gone, I had done it: He would not preserve me, +nor keep me; but suffered me, because I was a reprobate, to fall +as I had done. Now did those blessed places that speak of +God’s keeping His people, shine like the sun before me, +though not to comfort me, yet to show me the blessed state and +heritage of those whom the Lord had blessed.</p> +<p>157. Now I saw, that as God had His hand in all the +providences and dispensations that overtook His elect; so He had +His hand in all the temptations that they had to sin against Him; +not to animate them to wickedness, but to choose their +temptations and troubles for them; and also to leave them for a +time, to such sins only that might not destroy, but humble them; +as might not put them beyond, but lay them in the way of the +renewing His mercy. But oh! what love, what care, what +kindness and mercy did I now see, mixing itself with the most +severe and dreadful of all God’s ways to His people! +He would let <i>David</i>, <i>Hezekiah</i>, <i>Solomon</i>, +<i>Peter</i>, and others, fall; but He would not let them fall +into sin unpardonable, nor into hell for sin. Oh! thought +I, these be the men that God hath loved; these be the men that +God, though He chastiseth them, keeps them in safety by Him; and +them whom He makes to abide under the shadow of the +Almighty. But all these thoughts added sorrow, grief, and +horror to me, as whatever I now thought on, it was killing to +me. If I thought how God kept His own, that was killing to +me; if I thought of how I was fallen myself, that was killing to +me. As all things wrought together for the best, and to do +good to them that were the called, according to His purpose, so I +thought that all things wrought for my damage, and for my eternal +overthrow.</p> +<p>158. Then again I began to compare my sin with the sin +of <i>Judas</i>, that, if possible, I might find if mine differed +from that, which in truth is unpardonable: and oh! thought I, if +it should differ from it, though but the breadth of an hair, what +a happy condition is my soul in! And by considering, I +found that <i>Judas</i> did this intentionally, but mine was +against my prayer and strivings: besides, his was committed with +much deliberation, but mine in a fearful hurry, on a sudden: all +this while I was tossed to and fro like the locusts, and driven +from trouble to sorrow; hearing always the sound of +<i>Esau’s</i> fall in mine ears, and the dreadful +consequences thereof.</p> +<p>159. Yet this consideration about <i>Judas’s</i> +sin was, for awhile, some little relief to me; for I saw I had +not, as to the circumstances, transgressed so fully as he. +But this was quickly gone again, for I thought with myself, there +might be more ways than one to commit this unpardonable sin; also +I thought there might be degrees of that, as well as of other +transgressions; wherefore, for aught I yet could perceive, this +iniquity of mine might be such, as might never be passed by.</p> +<p>160. I was often now ashamed that I should be like such +an ugly man as Judas: I thought also how loathsome I should be +unto all the saints at the day of judgment: insomuch that now I +could scarce see a good man, that I believed had a good +conscience, but I should feel my heart tremble at him, while I +was in his presence. Oh! now I saw a glory in walking with +God, and what a mercy it was to have a good conscience before +Him.</p> +<p>161. I was much about that time tempted to content +myself by receiving some false opinion; as, that there should be +no such thing as a day of judgment; that we should not rise +again; and that sin was no such grievous thing: the tempter +suggesting thus: <i>For if these things should indeed be +true</i>, <i>yet to believe otherwise would yield you ease for +the present</i>. <i>If you must perish</i>, <i>never +torment yourself so much beforehand</i>: <i>drive the thoughts of +damning out of your mind</i>, <i>by possessing your mind with +some such conclusions that</i> Atheists <i>and</i> Ranters <i>use +to help themselves withal</i>.</p> +<p>162. But oh! when such thoughts have led through my +heart, how, as it were, within a step, hath death and judgment +been in my view! methought the judge stood at the door; I was as +if it was come already; so that such things could have no +entertainment. But methinks, I see by this, that Satan will +use any means to keep the soul from Christ; he loveth not an +awakened frame of spirit; security, blindness, darkness, and +error, is the very kingdom and habitation of the wicked one.</p> +<p>163. I found it a hard work now to pray to God, because +despair was swallowing me up; I thought I was as with a tempest +driven away from God; for always when I cried to God for mercy, +this would come in, ’<i>Tis too late</i>, <i>I am lost</i>, +<i>God hath let me fall</i>; <i>not to my correction</i>, <i>but +condemnation</i>: <i>my sin is unpardonable</i>; <i>and I +know</i>, <i>concerning Esau</i>, <i>how that after he had sold +his birthright</i>, <i>he would have received the blessing</i>, +<i>but was rejected</i>. About this time I did light on +that dreadful story of that miserable mortal Francis Spira; a +book that was to my troubled spirit, as salt, when rubbed into a +fresh wound: every sentence in that book, every groan of that +man, with all the rest of his actions in his dolours, as his +tears, his prayers, his gnashing of teeth, his wringing of hands, +his twining and twisting, and languishing, and pining away under +that mighty hand of God that was upon him, were as knives and +daggers in my soul; especially that sentence of his was frightful +to me, <i>Man knows the beginning of sin</i>? <i>but who bounds +the issues thereof</i>? Then would the former sentence, as +the conclusion of all, fall like an hot thunderbolt again upon my +conscience; <i>For you know how that afterwards</i>, <i>when he +would have inherited the blessing</i>, <i>he was rejected</i>; +<i>for he found no place of repentance</i>, <i>though he sought +it carefully with tears</i>.</p> +<p>164. Then should I be struck into a very great +trembling, insomuch that at sometimes I could, for whole days +together, feel my very body, as well as my mind, to shake and +totter under the sense of this dreadful judgment of God, that +should fall on those that have sinned that most fearful and +unpardonable sin. I felt also such a clogging and heat at +my stomach, by reason of this my terror, that I was, especially +at some times, as if my breast-bone would split asunder; then I +thought of that concerning Judas, who by <i>falling headlong</i>, +<i>he burst asunder in the midst</i>, <i>and all his bowels +gushed out</i>. Acts i. 18.</p> +<p>165. I feared also that this was the mark that the Lord +did set on <i>Cain</i>, even continual fear and trembling, under +the heavy load of guilt that he had charged on him for the blood +of his brother <i>Abel</i>. Thus did I wind, and twine, and +shrink under the burthen that was upon me; which burthen also did +so oppress me, that I could neither stand, nor go, nor lie, +either at rest or quiet.</p> +<p>166. Yet that saying would sometimes come into my mind, +<i>He hath received gifts for the rebellious</i>. Psalm +lxviii. 18. The <i>rebellious</i>, thought I! why surely +they are such as once were under subjection to their Prince; even +those who after they have sworn subjection to His government, +have taken up arms against Him; and this, thought I, is my very +condition: I once loved Him, feared Him, served Him; but now I am +a rebel; I have sold Him, I have said, <i>Let Him go</i>, <i>if +He will</i>; but yet He has gifts for rebels; and then why not +for me?</p> +<p>167. This sometimes I thought on, and should labour to +take hold thereof, that some, though small refreshment, might +have been conceived by me; but in this also I missed of my +desire; I was driven with force beyond it; I was like a man going +to execution, even by <i>that</i> place where he would fain creep +in and hide himself, but may not.</p> +<p>168. Again, after I had thus considered the sins of the +<i>saints</i> in particular, and found <i>mine</i> went beyond +them, then I began to think with myself, Set the case I should +put <i>all theirs</i> together, and <i>mine alone</i> against +them, might I not then find some encouragement? for if +<i>mine</i>, though bigger than any one, yet should be but equal +to all, then there is hopes; for that blood that hath virtue +enough in it to wash away all theirs, had virtue enough in it to +do away mine, though this one be full as big, if not bigger than +all theirs. Here again, I should consider the sin of +<i>David</i>, of <i>Solomon</i>, of <i>Manasseh</i>, of +<i>Peter</i>, and the rest of the great offenders; and should +also labour, what I might with fairness, to aggravate and +heighten their sins by several circumstances.</p> +<p>169. I should think with myself that <i>David</i> shed +blood to cover his adultery, and that by the sword of the +children of <i>Ammon</i>; a work that could not be done, but by +continuance, deliberate contrivance, which was a great +aggravation to his sin. But then this would turn upon me: +Ah! but these were but sins against the law, from which there was +a Jesus sent to save them; but yours is a sin against the +Saviour, and who shall save you from that?</p> +<p>170. Then I thought on <i>Solomon</i>, and how he sinned +in loving strange women, falling away to their idols, in building +them temples, in doing this after light, in his old age, after +great mercy received: but the same conclusion that cut me off in +the former consideration, cut me off as to this; namely, that all +those were but sins against the law, for which God had provided a +remedy; <i>but I had sold my Saviour</i>, and there remained no +more sacrifice for sin.</p> +<p>171. I would then add to these men’s sins, the +sins of <i>Manasseh</i>; how that he built altars for idols in +the house of the Lord; he also observed times, used enchantments, +had to do with wizards, was a wizard, had his familiar spirits, +burned his children in the fire in sacrifice to devils, and made +the streets of <i>Jerusalem</i> run down with the blood of +innocents. These, thought I, are great sins, sins of a +bloody colour, but yet it would turn again upon me, <i>They are +none of them of the nature of yours</i>; <i>you have parted with +Jesus</i>, <i>you have sold your Saviour</i>.</p> +<p>172. This one consideration would always kill my heart, +<i>my sin was point blank against my Saviour</i>; and that too, +at that height, that I had in my heart said of Him, <i>Let Him +go</i>, <i>if He will</i>. Oh! methought this sin was +bigger than the sins of a country, of a kingdom, or of the whole +world, <i>no</i> one pardonable; nor <i>all</i> of them together, +was able to equal mine; mine out-went them every one.</p> +<p>173. Now I should find my mind to flee from God, as from +the face of a dreadful judge, yet this was my torment, I could +not escape His hand: (<i>It is a fearful thing to fall into the +hands of the living God</i>. Hebrew x.) But, blessed +be His grace, that scripture, in these flying fits, would call, +as running after me, <i>I have blotted out</i>, <i>as a thick +cloud</i>, <i>thy transgressions</i>; <i>and as a cloud</i>, +<i>thy sins</i>: <i>return unto Me</i>, <i>for I have redeemed +thee</i>. Isaiah xliv. 22. This, I say, would come in +upon my mind, when I was fleeing from the face of God; for I did +flee from His face; that is, my mind and spirit fled before Him; +by reason of His highness, I could not endure: then would the +text cry, <i>Return unto Me</i>; it would cry aloud with a very +great voice, <i>Return unto Me</i>, <i>for I have redeemed +thee</i>. Indeed, this would make me make a little stop, +and, as it were, look over my shoulder behind me, to see if I +could discern that the God of grace did follow me with a pardon +in His hand; but I could no sooner do that, but all would be +clouded and darkened again by that sentence, <i>For you know</i>, +<i>how that afterwards</i>, <i>when he would have inherited the +blessing</i>, <i>he found no place of repentance</i>, <i>though +he sought it carefully with tears</i>. Wherefore I could +not refrain, but fled, though at some times it cried, +<i>Return</i>, <i>return</i>, as if it did hollow after me: but I +feared to close in therewith, lest it should not come from God; +for that other, as I said, was still sounding in my conscience, +<i>For you know that afterwards</i>, <i>when he would have +inherited the blessing</i>, <i>he was rejected</i>, +<i>etc.</i></p> +<p>174. Once as I was walking to and fro in a good +man’s shop, bemoaning of myself in my sad and doleful +state, afflicting myself with self-abhorrence for this wicked and +ungodly thought; lamenting also this hard hap of mine for that I +should commit so great a sin, greatly fearing that I should not +be pardoned; praying also in my heart, that if this sin of mine +did differ from that against the Holy Ghost, the Lord would show +it me. And being now ready to sink with fear, suddenly +there was, as if there had rushed in at the window, the noise of +wind upon me, but very pleasant, and as if I heard a voice +speaking, <i>Did’st thou ever refuse to be justified by the +blood of Christ</i>? and withal, my whole life of profession +past, was in a moment opened to me, wherein I was made to see, +that designedly I had not: so my heart answered groaningly, +<i>No</i>. Then fell, with power, that word of God upon me, +<i>See that ye refuse not Him that speaketh</i>. Hebrew +xii. 25. This made a strange seizure upon my spirit; it +brought light with it, and commanded a silence in my heart, of +all those tumultuous thoughts, that did before use, like +masterless hell-hounds, to roar and bellow, and make an hideous +noise within me. It showed me also that Jesus Christ had +yet a word of grace and mercy for me, that He had not, as I had +feared, quite forsaken and cast off my soul; yea, this was a kind +of chide for my proneness to desperation; a kind of threatening +of me, if I did not, notwithstanding my sins, and the heinousness +of them, venture my salvation upon the Son of God. But as +to my determining about this strange dispensation, what it was, I +know not; or from whence it came, I know not; I have not yet in +twenty years’ time been able to make a judgment of it; <i>I +thought then what here I should be loth to speak</i>. But +verily that sudden rushing wind was, as if an angel had come upon +me; but both it, and the salutation, I will leave until the day +of judgment: only this I say, it commanded a great calm in my +soul; it persuaded me there might be hope: it showed me, as I +thought, what the sin unpardonable was, and that my soul had yet +the blessed privilege to flee to Jesus Christ for mercy. +But I say, concerning this dispensation; I know not yet what to +say unto it; which was also, in truth, the cause, that at first I +did not speak of it in the book; I do now also leave it to be +thought on by men of sound judgment. I lay not the stress +of my salvation thereupon, but upon the Lord Jesus, in the +promise; yet seeing I am here unfolding of my secret things, I +thought it might not be altogether inexpedient to let this also +show itself, though I cannot now relate the matter as there I did +experience it. This lasted in the savour of it for about +three or four days, and then I began to mistrust, and to despair +again.</p> +<p>175. Wherefore still my life hung in doubt before me, +not knowing which way I should tip; only this I found my soul +desire, even to cast itself at the foot of grace, by prayer and +supplication. But oh! ’twas hard for me now, to have +the face to pray to this Christ for mercy, against Whom I had +thus most vilely sinned: ’twas hard work, I say, to offer +to look Him in the face, against Whom I had so vilely sinned; and +indeed, I have found it as difficult to come to God by prayer, +after backsliding from Him, as to do any other thing. Oh! +the shame that did now attend me! especially when I thought, I am +now a-going to pray to Him for mercy, that I had so lightly +esteemed but a while before! I was ashamed; yea, even +confounded, because this villany had been committed by me: but I +saw that there was but one way with me; I must go to Him, and +humble myself unto Him, and beg that He, of His wonderful mercy, +would show pity to me, and have mercy upon my wretched sinful +soul.</p> +<p>176. Which, when the tempter perceived, he strongly +suggested to me, <i>That I ought not to pray to God</i>, <i>for +prayer was not for any in my case</i>; <i>neither could it do me +good</i>, <i>because I had rejected the Mediator</i>, <i>by Whom +all prayers came with acceptance to God the Father</i>; <i>and +without Whom</i>, <i>no prayer could come into His presence</i>: +<i>wherefore now to pray</i>, <i>is but to add sin to sin</i>; +<i>yea</i>, <i>now to pray</i>, <i>seeing God has cast you +off</i>, <i>is the next way to anger and offend Him more than you +ever did before</i>.</p> +<p>177. <i>For God</i> (saith he) <i>hath been weary of you +for these several years already</i>, <i>because you are none of +His</i>; <i>your bawlings in His ears</i>, <i>hath been no +pleasant voice to Him</i>; <i>and therefore He let you sin this +sin</i>, <i>that you might be quite cut off</i>; <i>and will you +pray still</i>? This the devil urged, and set forth that in +<i>Numbers</i>, when <i>Moses</i> said to the children <i>of +Israel</i>, <i>That because they would not go up to possess the +land</i>, <i>when God would have them</i>, <i>therefore for ever +after He did bar them out from thence</i>, <i>though they prayed +they might with tears</i>. Numbers xiv. 36, 37, etc.</p> +<p>178. As it is said in another place, Exodus xxi. 14, +<i>The man that sins presumptuously shall be taken from +God’s altar</i>, <i>that he may die</i>; even as +<i>Joab</i> was by King <i>Solomon</i>, when he thought to find +shelter there. 1 Kings ii. 27, 28, etc. These places +did pinch me very sore; yet my case being desperate, I thought +with myself, I can but die; and if it must be so, it shall once +be said, <i>That such an one died at the foot of Christ in +prayer</i>. This I did, but with great difficulty, God doth +know; and that because, together with this, still that saying +about <i>Esau</i> would be set at my heart, even like a flaming +sword, to keep the way of the tree of life, lest I should take +thereof and live. Oh! who knows how hard a thing I found +it, to come to God in prayer!</p> +<p>179. I did also desire the prayers of the people of God +for me, but I feared that God would give them no heart to do it; +yea I trembled in my soul to think, that some or other of them +would shortly tell me, that God hath said those words to them, +that He once did say to the prophet concerning the children of +Israel, <i>Pray not for this people</i>, <i>for I have rejected +them</i>. Jeremiah xi. 14. So, <i>Pray not for +him</i>, <i>for I have rejected him</i>, yea, I thought that He +had whispered this to some of them already, only they durst not +tell me so; neither durst I ask them of it, for fear if it should +be so, it would make me quite beside myself: <i>Man knows the +beginning of sin</i> (said Spira), <i>but who bounds the issues +thereof</i>?</p> +<p>180. About this time I took an opportunity to break my +mind to an ancient Christian, and told him all my case: I told +him also, that I was afraid that I had sinned the sin against the +Holy Ghost; and he told me, <i>He thought so too</i>. Here +therefore I had but cold comfort; but talking a little more with +him, I found him, though a good man, a stranger to much combat +with the devil. Wherefore I went to God again, as well as I +could, for mercy still.</p> +<p style="text-align: center"> +<a href="images/p101b.jpg"> +<img alt= +"Bunyan seeks Comfort" +title= +"Bunyan seeks Comfort" +src="images/p101s.jpg" /> +</a></p> +<p>181. Now also did the tempter begin to mock me in my +misery, saying, <i>That seeing I had thus parted with the Lord +Jesus</i>, <i>and provoked Him to displeasure</i>, <i>Who would +have stood between my soul and the flame of devouring fire</i>, +<i>there was now but one way</i>; <i>and that was</i>, to pray +that God the Father would be a Mediator betwixt His Son and me; +<i>that we might be reconciled again</i>, <i>and that I might +have that blessed benefit in Him</i>, <i>that His blessed saints +enjoyed</i>.</p> +<p>182. Then did that scripture seize upon my soul, <i>He +is of one mind</i>, <i>and who can turn Him</i>! Oh! I saw, +it was as easy to persuade Him to make a new world, a new +covenant, or a new Bible, besides that we have already, as to +pray for such a thing. This was to persuade Him, that what +He had done already was mere folly, and persuade Him to alter, +yea, to disannul the whole way of salvation. And then would +that saying rend my soul asunder; <i>Neither is there salvation +in any other</i>; <i>for there is none other name under heaven +given among men whereby we must be saved</i>. Acts iv. +12.</p> +<p>183. Now the most free, and full and gracious words of +the gospel, were the greatest torment to me; yea, nothing so +afflicted me, as the thoughts of Jesus Christ, the remembrance of +a Saviour; because I had cast Him off, brought forth the villany +of my sin, and my loss by it, to mind; nothing did twinge my +conscience like this: every time that I thought of the Lord +Jesus, of His grace, love, goodness, kindness, gentleness, +meekness, death, blood, promises, and blessed exhortations, +comforts, and consolations, it went to my soul like a sword; for +still unto these my considerations of the Lord Jesus, these +thoughts would make place for themselves in my heart: <i>Aye</i>, +<i>this is the Jesus</i>, <i>the loving Saviour</i>, <i>the Son +of God</i>, <i>Whom you have parted with</i>, <i>Whom you have +slighted</i>, <i>despised</i>, <i>and abused</i>. <i>This +is the only Saviour</i>, <i>the only Redeemer</i>, <i>the only +One that could so love sinners</i>, <i>as to wash them from their +sins in His own most precious blood</i>; <i>but you have no part +nor lot in this Jesus</i>: <i>you have put Him from you</i>; +<i>you have said in your heart</i>, Let Him go, if He will. +<i>Now</i>, <i>therefore</i>, <i>you are severed from Him</i>; +<i>you have severed yourself from Him</i>: <i>behold then His +goodness</i>, <i>but yourself to be no partaker of it</i>. +Oh! thought I, what have I lost, what have I parted with! +What has disinherited my poor soul! Oh! ’tis sad to +be destroyed by the grace and mercy of God; to have the Lamb, the +Saviour, turn lion and destroyer. Rev. vi. I also +trembled, as I have said, at the sight of the saints of God, +especially at those that greatly loved Him, and that made it +their business to walk continually with Him in this world; for +they did, both in their words, their carriages, and all their +expressions of tenderness and fear to sin against their precious +Saviour, condemn, lay guilt upon, and also add continual +affliction and shame upon my soul. <i>The dread of them was +upon me</i>, <i>and I trembled at God’s Samuels</i>. +1 Sam. xvi. 4.</p> +<p>184. Now also the tempter began afresh to mock my soul +another way, saying, <i>That Christ indeed did pity my case</i>, +<i>and was sorry for my loss</i>; <i>but forasmuch as I had +sinned and transgressed as I had done</i>, <i>He could by no +means help me</i>, <i>nor save me from what I feared</i>: <i>for +my sin was not of the nature of theirs</i>, <i>for Whom He bled +and died</i>; <i>neither was it counted with those that were laid +to His charge</i>, <i>when He hanged on a tree</i>: +<i>therefore</i>, <i>unless He should come down from heaven</i>, +<i>and die anew for this sin</i>, <i>though indeed He did greatly +pity me</i>, <i>yet I could have no benefit of Him</i>. +These things may seem ridiculous to others, even as ridiculous as +they were in themselves, but to me they were most tormenting +cogitations: every one of them augmented my misery, that Jesus +Christ should have so much love as to pity me, when yet He could +not help me; nor did I think that the reason why He could not +help me, was, because His merits were weak, or His grace and +salvation spent on others already, but because His faithfulness +to His threatening, would not let Him extend His mercy to +me. Besides, I thought, as I have already hinted, that my +sin was not within the bounds of that pardon, that was wrapped up +in a promise; and if not, then I knew assuredly, that it was more +easy for heaven and earth to pass away, than for me to have +eternal life. So that the ground of all these fears of mine +did arise from a steadfast belief I had of the stability of the +holy word of God, and also from my being misinformed of the +nature of my sin.</p> +<p>185. But oh! how this would add to my affliction, to +conceit that I should be guilty of such a sin, for which He did +not die. These thoughts would so confound me, and imprison +me, and tie me up from faith, that I knew not what to do. +But oh! thought I, that He would come down again! Oh! that +the work of man’s redemption was yet to be done by Christ! +how would I pray Him and entreat Him to count and reckon this sin +among the rest for which He died! But this scripture would +strike me down as dead; <i>Christ being raised from the dead</i>, +<i>dieth no more</i>; <i>death hath no more dominion over +Him</i>. Rom. vi. 9.</p> +<p>186. Thus, by the strange and unusual assaults of the +tempter, my soul was like a broken vessel, driven as with the +winds, and tossed sometimes headlong into despair; sometimes upon +the covenant of works, and sometimes to wish that the new +covenant, and the conditions thereof, might so far forth, as I +thought myself concerned, be turned another way, and changed, +<i>But in all these</i>, <i>I was as those that jostle against +the rocks</i>; <i>more broken</i>, <i>scattered and +rent</i>. Oh! the un-thought-of imaginations, frights, +fears, and terrors, that are affected by a thorough application +of guilt yielding to desperation! <i>This is the man that +hath his dwelling among the tombs with the dead</i>; <i>that is +always crying out</i>, <i>and cutting himself with +stones</i>. Mark v. 1, 2, 3. But, I say, all in vain; +desperation will not comfort him, the old covenant will not save +him: nay, heaven and earth shall pass away, before one jot or +tittle of the word and law of grace will fail or be +removed. This I saw, this I felt, and under this I groaned; +yet this advantage I got thereby, namely, a farther confirmation +of the certainty of the way of salvation; and that the scriptures +were the word of God. Oh! I cannot now express what then I +saw and felt of the steadiness of Jesus Christ, the rock of +man’s salvation: What was done, could not be undone, added +to, nor altered. I saw, indeed, that sin might drive the +soul beyond Christ, even the sin which is unpardonable; but woe +to him that was so driven, for the word would shut him out.</p> +<p>187. Thus I was always sinking, whatever I did think or +do. So one day I walked to a neighbouring town, and sate +down upon a settle in the street, and fell into a very deep pause +about the most fearful state my sin had brought me to; and after +long musing, I lifted up I sat my head, but methought I saw, as +if the sun that shineth in the heavens did grudge to give light; +and as if the very stones in the street, and tiles upon the +houses, did bend themselves against me. Methought that they +all combined together to banish me out of the world. I was +abhorred of them, and unfit to dwell among them, or be partaker +of their benefits, because I had sinned against the +Saviour. O how happy now was every creature over I +was! For they stood fast, and kept their station, but I was +gone and lost.</p> +<p>188. Then breaking out in the bitterness of my soul, I +said to myself with a grievous sigh, <i>How can God comfort such +a wretch</i>! I had no sooner said it, but this returned +upon me, as an echo doth answer a voice: <i>This sin is not unto +death</i>. At which I was, as if I had been raised out of +the grave, and cried out again, <i>Lord</i>, <i>how couldst Thou +find out such a word as this</i>! For I was filled with +admiration at the fitness, and at the unexpectedness of the +sentence; the fitness of the word, the rightness of the timing of +it; the power, and sweetness, and light, and glory that came with +it also, were marvellous to me to find: I was now, for the time, +out of doubt, as to that about which I was so much in doubt +before; my fears before <i>were</i>, that my sin was not +pardonable, and so that I had no right to pray, to repent, etc., +or that, if I did, it would be of no advantage or profit to +me. But now, thought I, if <i>this sin</i> is not unto +death, then it is pardonable; therefore from this I have +encouragement to come to God by Christ for mercy, to consider the +promise of forgiveness, as that which stands with open arms to +receive me as well as others. This therefore was a great +easement to my mind, to wit, that my sin was pardonable, that it +was not the sin unto death (1 John v. 16, 17). None but +those that know what my trouble (by their own experience) was, +can tell what relief came to my soul by this consideration: it +was a release to me from my former bonds, and a shelter from the +former storm: I seemed now to stand upon the same ground with +other sinners, and to have as good right to the word and prayer +as any of they.</p> +<p>189. Now I say, I was in hopes that my sin was not +unpardonable, but that there might be hopes for me to obtain +forgiveness. But oh! how Satan did now lay about him for to +bring me down again! But he could by no means do it, +neither this day, nor the most part of the next, for this good +sentence stood like a mill-post at my back: yet towards the +evening of the next day, I felt this word begin to leave me, and +to withdraw its supportation from me, and so I returned to my old +fears again, but with a great deal of grudging and peevishness, +for I feared the sorrow of despair; nor could my faith now long +retain this word.</p> +<p>190. But the next day at evening, being under many +fears, I went to seek the Lord, and as I prayed, I cried, and my +soul cried to Him in these words, with strong cries: <i>O +Lord</i>, <i>I beseech Thee</i>, <i>show me that Thou hast loved +me with everlasting love</i>. Jer. xxxi. 3. I had no +sooner said it, but with sweetness this returned upon me, as an +echo, or sounding again, <i>I have loved thee with an everlasting +love</i>. Now I went to bed in quiet; also when I awakened +the next morning, it was fresh upon my soul; and I believed +it.</p> +<p>191. But yet the tempter left me not; for it could not +be so little as an hundred times, that he that day did labour to +then break my peace. Oh! the combats and conflicts that I +did then meet with; as I strove to hold by this word, that of +<i>Esau</i> would fly in my face like lightning: I should be +sometimes up and down twenty times in an hour; yet God did bear +me up, and keep my heart upon this word; from which I had also, +for several days together, very much sweetness, and comfortable +hopes of pardon: for thus it was made out unto me, <i>I loved +thee whilst thou wast committing this sin</i>, <i>I loved thee +before</i>, <i>I love thee still</i>, <i>and I will love thee for +ever</i>.</p> +<p>192. Yet I saw my sin most barbarous, and a filthy +crime, and could not but conclude, and that with great shame and +astonishment, that I had horribly abused the holy Son of God: +wherefore I felt my soul greatly to love and pity Him, and my +bowels to yearn towards Him; for I saw He was still my friend, +and did reward me good for evil; yea, the love and affection that +then did burn within to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, did +work at this time such a strong and hot desire of revengement +upon myself for the abuse I had done unto Him, that to speak as I +then thought, had I had a thousand gallons of blood within my +veins, I could freely then have spilt it all, at the command and +feet of this my Lord and Saviour.</p> +<p>193. And as I was thus in musing, and in my studies, +considering how to love the Lord, and to express my love to Him, +that saying came in upon me, <i>If Thou</i>, <i>Lord</i>, +<i>shouldst mark iniquities</i>, <i>O Lord</i>, <i>who should +stand</i>? <i>But there is forgiveness with Thee</i>, +<i>that Thou mayest be feared</i>. Psalm cxxx. 3, 4. +These were good words to me, especially the latter part thereof; +to wit, that there is forgiveness with the Lord, that He might be +feared; that is, as then I understood it, that He might be loved, +and had in reverence; for it was thus made out to me, <i>That the +great God did set so high an esteem upon the love of His poor +creatures</i>, <i>that rather than He would go without their +love</i>, <i>He would pardon their transgressions</i>.</p> +<p>194. And now was that word fulfilled on me, and I was +also refreshed by it; <i>That thou mayest remember and be +confounded</i>, <i>and never open thy mouth any more</i>, +<i>because of thy shame</i>, <i>when I am pacified toward thee +for all that thou hast done</i>, <i>saith the Lord God</i>. +Ezek. xvi. 63. Thus was my soul at this time (and as I then +did think for ever) set at liberty from being afflicted with my +former guilt and amazement.</p> +<p>195. But before many weeks were gone, I began to despond +again, fearing, lest, notwithstanding all that I had enjoyed, +that I might be deceived and destroyed at the last; for this +consideration came strong into my mind, <i>That whatever comfort +and peace I thought I might have from the word of the promise of +life</i>, <i>yet unless there could be found in my +refreshment</i>, <i>a concurrence and agreement in the +scriptures</i>, <i>let me think what I will thereof</i>, <i>and +hold it never so fast</i>, <i>I should find no such thing at the +end</i>; <i>And the scripture cannot be broken</i>. John x. +35.</p> +<p>196. Now began my heart again to ache, and fear I might +meet with a disappointment at last. Wherefore I began with +all seriousness to examine my former comfort, and to consider +whether one that had sinned as I had done, might with confidence +trust upon the faithfulness of God, laid down in those words, by +which I had been comforted, and on which I had leaned myself: but +now were brought those sayings to my mind. <i>For it is +impossible for those who were once enlightened</i>, <i>and have +tasted of the heavenly gift</i>, <i>and were made partakers of +the Holy Ghost</i>, <i>and have tasted the good word of God</i>, +<i>and the powers of the world to come</i>, <i>if they shall fall +away</i>, <i>to renew them again unto repentance</i>. Heb. +vi. 4–6. <i>For</i>, <i>if we sin wilfully</i>, +<i>after we have received the knowledge of the truth</i>, +<i>there remains no more sacrifice for sin</i>, <i>but a certain +fearful looking for of judgment</i>, <i>and fiery +indignation</i>, <i>which shall devour the adversaries</i>. +Heb. x. 26, 27. <i>As Esau</i>, <i>who for one morsel of +meat</i>, <i>sold his birthright</i>. <i>For ye know how +that afterward</i>, <i>when he would have inherited the +blessing</i>, <i>he was rejected</i>; <i>for he found no place of +repentance</i>, <i>though he sought it carefully with +tears</i>. Heb. xii. 16, 17.</p> +<p>197. Now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul; +so that no promise or encouragement was to be found in the Bible +for me: and now would that saying work upon my spirit to afflict +me, <i>Rejoice not</i>, <i>O Israel</i>, <i>for joy</i>, <i>as +other people</i>. Hos. ix. 1. For I saw indeed, there +was cause of rejoicing for those that held to Jesus; but for me, +I had cut myself off by my transgressions, and left myself +neither foot-hold, or hand-hold, among all the stays and props in +the precious word of life.</p> +<p>198. And truly, I did now feel myself to sink into a +gulph, as an house whose foundation is destroyed; I did liken +myself in this condition, unto the case of some child that was +fallen into a mill-pit, who though it could make some shift to +scramble and sprawl in the water, yet because it could find +neither hold for hand nor foot, therefore at last it must die in +that condition. So soon as this fresh assault had fastened +on my soul, that scripture came into my heart, This <i>for many +days</i>. Dan. x. 14. And indeed I found it was so; +for I could not be delivered, nor brought to peace again, until +well nigh two years and a half were completely finished. +Wherefore these words, though in themselves, they tended to +discouragement, yet to me, who feared this condition would be +eternal, they were at some times as an help and refreshment to +me.</p> +<p>199. For, thought I, <i>many days</i> are not for ever, +<i>many days</i> will have an end; therefore seeing I was to be +afflicted not a few but <i>many days</i>, yet I was glad it was +but <i>for many days</i>. Thus, I say, I would recall +myself sometimes, and give myself an help, for as soon as ever +the words came into my mind, at first, I knew my trouble would be +long, yet this would be but sometimes; for I could not always +think on this, nor ever be helped by it, though I did.</p> +<p>200. Now while the scriptures lay before me, and laid +sin anew at my door, that saying, in Luke xviii. 1, with others, +did encourage me to prayer: then the tempter laid again at me +very sore, suggesting, <i>That neither the mercy of God</i>, +<i>nor yet the blood of Christ</i>, <i>did at all concern me</i>, +<i>nor could they help me for my sin</i>; <i>therefore it was but +in vain to pray</i>. Yet, thought I, <i>I will +pray</i>. <i>But</i>, said the tempter, <i>your sin is +unpardonable</i>. Well, said I, <i>I will pray</i>. +’Tis to no boot, said he. Yet said I, <i>I will +pray</i>. So I went to prayer to God; and while I was at +prayer, I uttered words to this effect: <i>Lord</i>, <i>Satan +tells me</i>, <i>that neither Thy mercy</i>, <i>nor +Christ’s blood</i>, <i>is sufficient to save my soul</i>: +<i>Lord</i>, <i>shall I honour Thee most</i>, <i>by believing +Thou wilt</i>, <i>and canst</i>? <i>or him</i>, <i>by believing +Thou neither wilt not nor canst</i>? <i>Lord</i>, <i>I +would fain honour Thee</i>, <i>by believing Thou wilt and +canst</i>.</p> +<p>201. And as I was thus before the Lord, that scripture +fastened on my heart (O man, great is thy faith), Matt. xv. 28, +even as if one had clapped me on the back, as I was on my knees +before God: yet I was not able to believe this, that this was a +prayer of faith, till almost six months after; for I could not +think that I had faith, or that there should be a word for me to +act faith on; therefore I should still be, as sticking in the +jaws of desperation, and went mourning up and down in a sad +condition.</p> +<p>202. There was nothing now that I longed for more than +to be put out of doubt, as to this thing in question, and as I +was vehemently desiring to know, if there was indeed hope for me, +these words came rolling into my mind, <i>Will the Lord cast off +for ever</i>? <i>and will He be favourable no more</i>? +<i>Is His mercy clean gone for ever</i>? <i>Doth His +promise fail for evermore</i>? <i>Hath God forgotten to be +gracious</i>? <i>Hath He in anger shut up His tender +mercies</i>? Ps. lxxvii. 7–9. And all the while +they run in my mind, methought I had still this as the answer, +’<i>Tis a question whether He hath or no</i>: <i>it may be +He hath not</i>. Yea, the interrogatory seemed to me to +carry in it a sure affirmation that indeed He had not, nor would +so cast off, but would be favourable: that His promise doth not +fail, and that He had not forgotten to be gracious, nor would in +anger shut up tender mercy. Something also there was upon +my heart at the same time, which I cannot now call to mind, +which, with this text, did sweeten my heart, and make me +conclude, that His mercy might not be quite gone, nor clean gone +for ever.</p> +<p>203. At another time I remembered, I was again much +under this question, <i>Whether the blood of Christ was +sufficient to save my soul</i>? in which doubt I continued from +morning, till about seven or eight at night: and at last, when I +was, as it were, quite worn out with fear, lest it should not lay +hold on me, these words did sound suddenly within my heart: <i>He +is able</i>. But methought, this word <i>able</i>, was +spoke loud unto me; it showed a <i>great word</i>, it seemed to +be writ in <i>great letters</i>, and gave such a jostle to my +fear and doubt (I mean for the time it tarried with me, which was +about a day) as I never had from that, all my life, either before +or after. Heb. vii. 25.</p> +<p>204. But one morning as I was again at prayer, and +trembling under the fear of this, <i>That no word of God could +help me</i>, that piece of a sentence darted in upon me, <i>My +grace is sufficient</i>. At this, methought I felt some +stay, as if there might be hopes. But, oh! how good a thing +it is for God to send His word! for, about a fortnight before, I +was looking on this very place, and then I thought it could not +come near my soul with comfort, therefore I threw down my book in +a pet: then I thought it was not large enough for me; no, not +large enough; but now it was as if it had arms of grace so wide, +that it could not only enclose me, but many more such as I +besides.</p> +<p>205. By these words I was sustained, yet not without +exceeding conflicts, for the space of seven or eight weeks; for +my peace would be in it, and out, sometimes twenty times a day; +comfort now, and trouble presently; peace now, and before I could +go a furlong, as full of fear and guilt as ever heart could +hold. And this was not only now and then, but my whole +seven weeks’ experience: for this about <i>the sufficiency +of grace</i>, and <i>that</i> of <i>Esau’s</i> parting with +his birthright, would be like a pair of scales within my mind; +sometimes one end would be uppermost, and sometimes again the +other; according to which would be my peace or trouble.</p> +<p>206. Therefore I did still pray to God, that He would +come in with this scripture more fully on my heart; to wit, that +He would help me to apply the whole sentence, for as yet I could +not: that He gave, that I gathered; but farther I could not go, +for as yet it only helped me to hope there might be mercy for me; +<i>My grace is sufficient</i>: And though it came no farther, it +answered my former question, to wit, That there was hope; yet +because <i>for thee</i> was left out, I was not contented, but +prayed to God for that also. Wherefore, one day, when I was +in a meeting of God’s people, full of sadness and terror; +for my fears again were strong upon me; and, as I was now +thinking, my soul was never the better, but my case most sad and +fearful, these words did with great power suddenly break in upon +me; <i>My grace is sufficient for thee</i>, <i>My grace is +sufficient for thee</i>, <i>My grace is sufficient for thee</i>, +three times together: And oh! methought that every word was a +mighty word unto me; as <i>My</i>, and <i>grace</i>, and +<i>sufficient</i>, and <i>for thee</i>; they were then, and +sometimes are still, far bigger than others be.</p> +<p>207. At which time my understanding was so enlightened, +that I was as though I had seen the Lord Jesus look down from +heaven, through the tiles upon me, and direct these words unto +me. This sent me mourning home; it broke my heart, and +filled me full of joy, and laid me low as the dust; only it +stayed not long with me, I mean in this glory and refreshing +comfort; yet it continued with me for several weeks, and did +encourage me to hope: but as soon as that powerful operation of +it was taken from my heart, that other, about <i>Esau</i>, +returned upon me as before: so my soul did hang as in a pair of +scales again, sometimes up, and sometimes down; now in peace, and +anon again in terror.</p> +<p>208. Thus I went on for many weeks, sometimes comforted, +and sometimes tormented; and especially at sometimes my torment +would be very sore, for all those scriptures forenamed in the +<i>Hebrews</i>, would be set before me, as the only sentences +that would keep me out of heaven. Then again I would begin +to repent that ever that thought went through me; I would also +think thus with myself: <i>Why</i>, <i>how many scriptures are +there against me</i>? <i>There are but three or four</i>; +<i>And cannot God miss them</i>, <i>and save me for all +them</i>? Sometimes again I would think, <i>Oh</i>! <i>if +it were not for these three or four words</i>, <i>now how might I +be comforted</i>! And I could hardly forbear at some times, +to wish them out of the book.</p> +<p>209. Then methought I should see as if both <i>Peter</i> +and <i>Paul</i>, and <i>John</i>, and all the writers, did look +with scorn upon me, and hold me in derision; and as if they had +said unto me, <i>All our words are truth</i>, <i>one of as much +force as another</i>: <i>it is not we that have cut you of</i>, +<i>but you have cast away yourself</i>. <i>There is none of +our sentences that you must take hold upon</i>, <i>but these and +such as these</i>; <i>it is impossible</i>, Heb. vi.; <i>there +remains no more sacrifice for sin</i>, Heb. x. <i>And it +had been better for them not to have known the will of God</i>, +<i>than after they had known it</i>, <i>to turn from the holy +commandment delivered unto them</i>, 2 Peter ii. 21. <i>For +the Scriptures cannot be broken</i>. John x. 35.</p> +<p>210. These, as the elders of the city of refuge, I saw, +were to be judges both of my case and me, while I stood with the +<i>avenger</i> of blood at my heels, trembling at their gate for +deliverance; also with a thousand fears and mistrusts, I doubted +that they would shut me out for ever. Joshua xx. 3. 4.</p> +<p>211. Thus I was confounded, not knowing what to do, or +how to be satisfied in this question, <i>Whether the scriptures +could agree in the salvation of my soul</i>? I quaked at +the apostles; I knew their words were true, and that they must +stand for ever.</p> +<p>212. And I remember one day, as I was in divers frames +of spirit, and considering that these frames were according to +the nature of several scriptures that came in upon my mind; if +this of grace, then was I quiet; but of that of <i>Esau</i>, then +tormented. Lord, thought I, <i>if both these scriptures +should meet in my heart at once</i>, <i>I wonder which of them +would get the better of me</i>. So methought I had a +longing mind that they might come both together upon me; yea, I +desired of God they might.</p> +<p>213. Well, about two or three days after, so they did +indeed; they bolted both upon me at a time, and did work and +struggle strangely in me for a while; at last that about +<i>Esau’s</i> birthright began to wax weak, and withdraw, +and vanish; and this, about the sufficiency of grace prevailed +with peace and joy. And as I was in a muse about this +thing, that scripture came in upon me, <i>Mercy rejoiceth against +judgment</i>. James ii. 13.</p> +<p>214. This was a wonderment to me; yet truly, I am apt to +think it was of God; for the word of the law and wrath, must give +place to the word of life and grace; because, though the word of +condemnation be glorious, yet the word of life and salvation doth +far exceed in glory. 2 Cor. iii. 8–11. +<i>Mark</i> ix. 5–7. <i>John</i> vi. 37. Also +that <i>Moses</i> and <i>Elias</i> must both vanish, and leave +Christ and His saints alone.</p> +<p>215. This scripture also did now most sweetly visit my +soul; <i>And him that cometh to Me</i>, <i>I will in no wise cast +out</i>. Oh! the comfort that I had from this word, <i>in +no wise</i>! As who should say, <i>By no means</i>, <i>for +nothing whatever he hath done</i>. But Satan would greatly +labour to pull this promise from me, telling of me, <i>That +Christ did not mean me and such as I</i>, <i>but sinners of a +lower rank</i>, <i>that had not done as I had done</i>. But +I would answer him again, <i>Satan</i>, <i>here is in these words +no such exception</i>; <i>but him that comes</i>, <i>him</i>, +<i>any him</i>: <i>him that cometh to Me I will in no wise cast +out</i>. And this I well remember still, that of all the +slights that Satan used to take this scripture from me, yet he +never did so much as put this question, <i>But do you come +aright</i>? And I have thought the reason was, because he +thought I knew full well what coming aright was; for I saw that +to come aright, was to come as I was, a vile and ungodly sinner, +and to cast myself at the feet of mercy, condemning myself for +sin. If ever Satan and I did strive for any word of God in +all my life, it was for this good word of Christ; he at one end, +and I at the other: Oh! what work did we make! It was for +this in <i>John</i>, I say, that we did so tug and strive, he +pulled, and I pulled; but God be praised, I got the better of +him; I got some sweetness from it.</p> +<p>216. But notwithstanding all these helps, and blessed +words of grace, yet that of <i>Esau’s</i> selling of his +birthright, would still at times distress my conscience: for +though I had been most sweetly comforted, and that but just +before, yet when that came into my mind, ’twould make me +fear again: I could not be quite rid thereof, ’twould every +day be with me: wherefore now I went another way to work, even to +consider the nature of this blasphemous thought, I mean, if I +should take the words at the largest, and give them their own +natural force and scope, even every word therein: so when I had +thus considered, I found, that if they were fairly taken, they +would amount to this; <i>That I had freely left the Lord Jesus +Christ to His choice</i>, <i>whether He would be my Saviour or +no</i>; for the wicked words were these, <i>Let Him go</i>, <i>if +He will</i>. Then that scripture gave me hope, <i>I will +never leave thee</i>, <i>nor forsake thee</i>. Heb. xiii. +5. ‘O Lord,’ said I, <i>but I have left +Thee</i>. Then it answered again, <i>But I will not leave +thee</i>. For this I thanked God also.</p> +<p>217. Yet I was grievous afraid He should, and found it +exceeding hard to trust Him, seeing I had so offended Him: I +could have been exceeding glad that this thought had never +befallen; for then I thought I could with more ease and freedom +in abundance, have leaned on His grace. I saw it was with +me, as it was with <i>Joseph’s</i> brethren; the guilt of +their own wickedness did often fill them with fears that their +brother would at last despise them. Gen. l. 15, 16, +etc.</p> +<p>218. Yet above all the scriptures that I yet did meet +with that in <i>Joshua</i> xx. was the greatest comfort to me, +which speaks of the slayer that was to flee for refuge: <i>And if +the avenger of blood pursue the slayer</i>, then saith +<i>Moses</i>, <i>they that are the elders of the city of refuge +shall not deliver him into his hands</i>, <i>because he smote his +neighbour unwittingly and hated him not aforetime</i>. Oh! +blessed be God for this word: I was convinced that I was the +slayer; and that the avenger of blood pursued me, I felt with +great terror; only now it remained that I inquire whether I have +right to enter the city of refuge: so I found, that he must not, +<i>who lay in wait to shed blood</i>: It was not the wilful +<i>murderer</i>, but he who <i>unwittingly</i> did it, he who did +it unawares; not out of spite, or grudge, or malice, he that shed +it unwittingly: even he who did not <i>hate his neighbour +before</i>. Wherefore,</p> +<p>219. I thought verily I was the man that must enter, +because I had smitten my neighbour <i>unwittingly</i>, <i>and +hated Him not aforetime</i>. I hated Him not aforetime; no, +I prayed unto Him, was tender of sinning against Him; yea, and +against this wicked temptation I had strove for a twelvemonth +before; yea, and also when it did pass through my heart, it did +in spite of my teeth: wherefore I thought I had a right to enter +this city, and the elders, which are the <i>apostles</i>, were +not to deliver me up. This therefore was great comfort to +me, and gave me much ground of hope.</p> +<p>220. Yet being very critical, for my smart had made me +that I knew not what ground was sure enough to bear me, I had one +question that my soul did much desire to be resolved about; and +that was, <i>Whether it be possible for any soul that hath sinned +the unpardonable sin</i>, <i>yet after that to receive</i>, +<i>though but the least</i>, <i>true spiritual comfort from God +though Christ</i>? The which after I had much considered, I +found the answer was, No, they could not; and that for these +reasons:—</p> +<p>221. <i>First</i>, Because those that have sinned that +sin, they are debarred a share in the blood of Christ; and being +shut out of that, they must needs be void of the least ground of +hope, and so of spiritual comfort; <i>For to such there remains +no more sacrifice for sin</i>. Heb. x. 26, 27. +<i>Secondly</i>, Because they are denied a share in the promise +of life: <i>It shall never be forgiven him neither in this +world</i>, <i>neither in the world to come</i>. Matt. xii. +32. <i>Thirdly</i>, The Son of God excludes them also from +a share in His blessed intercession, being for ever ashamed to +own them, both before His holy Father, and the blessed angels in +heaven. Mark viii.</p> +<p>222. When I had with much deliberation considered of +this matter, and could not but conclude that the Lord had +comforted me, and that too after this my wicked sin: then +methought I durst venture to come nigh unto those most fearful +and terrible scriptures, with which all this while I had been so +greatly affrighted, and on which indeed, before I durst scarce +cast mine eye (yea, had much ado an hundred times, to forbear +wishing them out of the Bible), for I thought they would destroy +me; but now, I say, I began to take some measure of +encouragement, to come close to them to read them, and consider +them, and to weigh their scope and tendency.</p> +<p>223. The which when I began to do, I found their visage +changed: for they looked not so grimly, as before I thought they +did: and first I came to the sixth of the <i>Hebrews</i>, yet +trembling for fear it should strike me; which when I had +considered, I found that the falling there intended, was a +falling <i>quite away</i>; that is as I conceived, a falling from +and absolute denying of the gospel, of remission of sins by Jesus +Christ; for, from them the apostle begins his argument, verses 1, +2, 3, 4. <i>Secondly</i>, I found that this falling away, +must be openly, even in the view of the world, even so as <i>to +put Christ to an open shame</i>. <i>Thirdly</i>, I found +those he there intended, were for ever shut up of God, both in +blindness, hardness, and impenitency: <i>It is impossible they +should be renewed again unto repentance</i>. By all these +particulars, I found to God’s everlasting praise, my sin +was not the sin in this place intended.</p> +<p><i>First</i>, I confessed I was fallen, but not fallen away; +that is, from the profession of faith in Jesus unto eternal +life.</p> +<p><i>Secondly</i>, I confessed that I had put Jesus Christ to +<i>shame</i> by my sin, but not to open <i>shame</i>; I did not +deny Him before men, nor condemn Him as a fruitless One before +the world.</p> +<p><i>Thirdly</i>, Nor did I find that God had shut me up, or +denied me to come (though I found it hard work indeed to come) to +Him by sorrow and repentance: blessed be God for unsearchable +grace!</p> +<p>224. Then I considered that in the 10th chapter of the +<i>Hebrews</i>, and found that the <i>wilful sin</i> there +mentioned, is not every wilful sin, but that which doth throw off +Christ, and then His commandments too. <i>Secondly</i>, +That must be done also openly, before two or three witnesses, to +answer that of the law, <i>verse</i> 28. <i>Thirdly</i>, +This sin cannot be committed, but with great despite done to the +Spirit of Grace; despising both the dissuasions from that sin, +and the persuasions to the contrary. But the Lord knows, +though this my sin was devilish, yet it did not amount to +these.</p> +<p>225. And as touching that in the 12th of the +<i>Hebrews</i>, about <i>Esau’s</i> selling of his +birthright; though this was that which killed me, and stood like +a spear against me, yet now I did consider, <i>First</i>, that +his was not a hasty thought against the continual labour of his +mind, but a thought consented to, and put in practice likewise, +and that after some deliberation, Gen. xxv. +<i>Secondly</i>, It was a public and open action, even before his +brother, if not before many more; this made his sin of a far more +heinous nature than otherwise it would have been. +<i>Thirdly</i>, He continued to slight his birthright: <i>He did +eat and drink</i>, <i>and went his way</i>: thus Esau <i>despised +his birthright</i>, yea, twenty years after he was found to +despise it still. And Esau said, <i>I have enough</i>, +<i>my brother</i>, <i>keep that thou hast unto thyself</i>. +Gen. xxxiii. 9.</p> +<p>226. Now as touching this, <i>that</i> Esau <i>sought a +place of repentance</i>; thus I thought: <i>First</i>, This was +not for the <i>birthright</i>, but <i>the blessing</i>: this is +clear from the apostle, and is distinguished by Esau himself; +<i>He took away my birthright</i> (that is, formerly); <i>and +behold now he hath taken away my blessing</i>. Gen. xxvii. +36. <i>Secondly</i>, Now, this being thus considered, I +came again to the apostle, to see what might be the mind of God, +in a New-Testament style and sense concerning <i>Esau’s</i> +sin; and so far as I could conceive, this was the mind of God, +<i>that the birthright</i> signified <i>regeneration</i>, and the +<i>blessing</i>, the <i>eternal inheritance</i>; for so the +apostle seems to hint. <i>Lest there be any profane +person</i>, <i>as</i> Esau, <i>who for one morsel of meat sold +his birthright</i>; as if he should say, That shall cast off all +those blessed beginnings of God, that at present are upon him, in +order to a new-birth; lest they become as <i>Esau</i>, even be +rejected <i>afterwards</i>, when they would inherit the +blessing.</p> +<p>227. For many there are, who, in the day of grace and +mercy, despise those things which are indeed the birthright to +heaven, who yet when the deciding day appears, will cry as lord +as <i>Esau</i>, <i>Lord</i>, <i>Lord</i>, <i>open to us</i>; but +then, as <i>Isaac</i> would not repent, no more will God the +Father, but will say, <i>I have blessed these</i>, <i>yea</i>, +and <i>they shall be blessed</i>; but as for you, <i>Depart</i>, +<i>you are the workers of iniquity</i>. Gen. xxvii. 32; +Luke xiii. 25–27.</p> +<p>228. When I had thus considered these scriptures, and +found that thus to understand them, was not against, but +according to other scriptures; this still added further to my +encouragement and comfort, and also gave a great blow to that +objection, to wit, <i>That the scriptures could not agree in the +salvation of my soul</i>. And now remained only the hinder +part of the tempest, for the thunder was gone beyond me, only +some drops did still remain, that now and then would fall upon +me; but because my former frights and anguish were very sore and +deep, therefore it oft befall me still, as it befalleth those +that have been scared with fire. I thought every voice was, +<i>Fire</i>! <i>fire</i>! Every little touch would hurt my +tender conscience.</p> +<p>229. But one day, as I was passing in the field, and +that too with some dashes on my conscience, fearing lest yet all +was not right, suddenly this sentence fell upon my soul, <i>Thy +righteousness is in heaven</i>; and methought withal, I saw with +the eyes of my soul, Jesus Christ at God’s right hand: +there, I say, was my righteousness; so that wherever I was, or +whatever I was doing, God could not say of me, <i>He wants My +righteousness</i>; for that was just before Him. I also saw +moreover, that it was not my good frame of heart that made my +righteousness better, nor yet my bad frame that made my +righteousness worse; for my righteousness was Jesus Christ +Himself, <i>The same yesterday</i>, <i>to-day</i>, <i>and for +ever</i>. Heb. xiii. 8.</p> +<p>230. Now did my chains fall off my legs indeed; I was +loosed from my afflictions and irons; my temptations also fled +away; so that from that time those dreadful scriptures of God +left off to trouble me: now went I also home rejoicing, for the +grace and love of God; so when I came home, I looked to see if I +could find that sentence; <i>Thy righteousness is in heaven</i>, +but could not find such a saying; wherefore my heart began to +sink again, only that was brought to my remembrance, 1 Cor. i. +30, <i>Christ Jesus</i>, <i>who of God is made unto us +wisdom</i>, <i>and righteousness</i>, <i>and sanctification</i>, +<i>and redemption</i>; by this word I saw the other sentence +true.</p> +<p>231. For by this scripture I saw that the Man Christ +Jesus, as He is distinct from us, as touching His bodily +presence, so He is our righteousness and sanctification before +God. Here therefore I lived, for some time, very sweetly at +peace with God through Christ; Oh! methought, Christ! Christ! +there was nothing but Christ that was before my eyes: I was not +now (only) for looking upon this and the other benefits of Christ +apart, as of His blood, burial, or resurrection, but considering +Him as a whole Christ! as He in whom all these, and all His other +virtues, relations, offices and operations met together, and that +He sat on the right hand of God in heaven.</p> +<p>232. ’Twas glorious to me to see His exaltation, +and the worth and prevalency of all His benefits, and that +because now I could look from myself to Him and should reckon, +that all those graces of God that now were green on me, were yet +but like those cracked groats and fourpence-halfpennies that rich +men carry in their purses, when their gold is in their trunks at +home: Oh! I saw my gold was in my trunk at home! In Christ +my Lord and Saviour. Now Christ was all; all my wisdom, all +my righteousness, all my sanctification, and all my +redemption.</p> +<p>233. Further, the Lord did also lead me into the mystery +of union with the Son of God; that I was joined to Him, that I +was flesh of His flesh, and bone of His bone; and now was that +word sweet to me in Eph. v. 30. By this also was my faith +in Him, as my righteousness, the more confirmed in me; for if He +and I were one, then His righteousness was mine, His merits mine, +His victory also mine. Now could I see myself in heaven and +earth at once: in heaven by my Christ, by my head, by my +righteousness and life, though on earth by my body or person.</p> +<p>234. Now I saw Christ Jesus was looked upon of God; and +should also be looked upon by us, as that common or public +person, in whom all the whole body of His elect are always to be +considered and reckoned; that we fulfilled the law by Him, died +by Him, rose from the dead by Him, got the victory over sin, +death, the devil, and hell, by Him; when He died, we died, and so +of His resurrection. <i>Thy dead men shall live</i>, +<i>together with My dead body shall they arise</i>, saith +He. Isa. xxvi. 19. And again, <i>after two days He +will revive us</i>, <i>and the third day He will raise us up</i>, +<i>and we shall live in His sight</i>. Hosea vi. 2. +Which is now fulfilled by the sitting down of the Son of Man on +the right hand of the Majesty in the heavens; according to that +to the <i>Ephesians</i>, <i>And hath raised us up together</i>, +<i>and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ +Jesus</i>. Eph. ii. 6.</p> +<p>235. Ah! these blessed considerations and scriptures, +with many others of like nature, were in those days made to +spangle in mine eyes; so that I have cause to say, <i>Praise ye +the Lord</i>. <i>Praise God in His sanctuary</i>, <i>praise +Him in the firmament of His power</i>; <i>praise Him for His +mighty acts</i>: <i>praise Him according to His excellent +greatness</i>. Psalm cl. 1, 2.</p> +<p>236. Having thus in a few words given you a taste of the +sorrow and affliction that my soul went under, by the guilt and +terror that this my wicked thought did lay me under; and having +given you also a touch of my deliverance therefrom, and of the +sweet and blessed comfort that I met with afterwards, which +comfort dwelt about a twelvemonth with my heart, to my +unspeakable admiration: I will now (God willing), before I +proceed any farther, give you in a word or two, what, as I +conceive, was the cause of this temptation; and also after that, +what advantage, at the last, it became unto my soul.</p> +<p>237. For the causes, I conceived they were principally +two: of which two also I was deeply convinced all the time this +trouble lay upon me. The first was, for that I did not, +when I was delivered from the temptation that went before, still +pray to God to to keep me from the temptations that were to come; +for though, as I can say in truth, my soul was much in prayer +before this trial seized me, yet then I prayed only, or at the +most principally, for the removal of present troubles, and for +fresh discoveries of His love in Christ, which I saw afterwards +was not enough to do; I also should have prayed that the great +God would keep me from the evil that was to come.</p> +<p>238. Of this I was made deeply sensible by the prayer of +holy <i>David</i>, who when he was under present mercy, yet +prayed that God would hold him back from sin and temptation to +come; <i>Then</i>, saith he, <i>shall I be upright</i>, <i>and I +shall be innocent from the great transgression</i>. Psalm +xix. 13. By this very word was I galled and condemned quite +through this long temptation.</p> +<p>239. That was also another word that did much condemn me +for my folly, in the neglect of this duty. Heb. iv. 16: +<i>Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace</i>, +<i>that we may obtain mercy</i>, <i>and find grace to help in +time of need</i>. This I had not done, and therefore was +thus suffered to sin and fall, according to what is written, +<i>Pray that ye enter not into temptation</i>. And truly +this very thing is to this day of such weight and awe upon me, +that I dare not, when I come before the Lord, go of my knees, +until I intreat Him for help and mercy against the temptations +that are to come; and I do beseech thee, reader, that thou learn +to beware of my negligence, by the afflictions, that for this +thing I did for days, and months, and years, with sorrow +undergo.</p> +<p>240. Another cause of this temptation was, that I had +tempted God; and on this manner did I do it: Upon a time my wife +was great with child, and before her full time was come, her +pangs, as of a woman in travail, were fierce and strong upon her, +even as if she would have fallen immediately in labour, and been +delivered of an untimely birth: now at this very time it was, +that I had been so strongly tempted to question the being of God; +wherefore, as my wife lay crying by me, I said, but with all +secrecy imaginable, even thinking in my heart, <i>Lord</i>, <i>if +Thou wilt now remove this sad affliction from my wife</i>, <i>and +cause that she be troubled no more therewith this night</i> (and +now were her pangs just upon her), <i>then I shall know that Thou +canst discern the most secret thoughts of the heart</i>.</p> +<p>241. I had no sooner said it in my heart, but her pangs +were taken from her, and she was cast into a deep sleep, and so +continued till morning; at this I greatly marvelled, not knowing +what to think; but after I had been awake a good while, and heard +her cry no more, I fell asleep also; so when I awaked in the +morning, it came upon me again, even what I had said in my heart +the last night, and how the Lord had showed me, that He knew my +secret thoughts, which was a great astonishment unto me for +several weeks after.</p> +<p>242. Well, about a year and a half afterwards, that +wicked sinful thought, of which I have spoken before, went +through my wicked heart, even this thought, <i>Let Christ go</i>, +<i>if He will</i>: so when I was fallen under the guilt for this, +the remembrance of my other thought, and of the effect thereof, +would also come upon me with this retort, which also carried +rebuke along with it, <i>Now you may see that God doth know the +most secret thoughts of the heart</i>.</p> +<p>243. And with this, that of the passages that were +betwixt the Lord, and His servant <i>Gideon</i>, fell upon my +spirit; how because that <i>Gideon</i> tempted God with his +fleece, both wet and dry, when he should have believed and +ventured upon His word; therefore the Lord did afterwards so try +him, as to send him against an innumerable company of enemies, +and that too, as to outward appearance, without any strength or +help. Judges vi. 7. Thus He served me, and that +justly, for I should have believed His word, and not have put an +<i>if</i> upon the all-seeingness of God.</p> +<p>244. And now to show you something of the advantages +that I also have gained by this temptation: and first, by this I +was made continually to possess in my soul a very wonderful sense +both of the blessing and glory of God, and of His beloved Son; in +the temptation that went before, my soul was perplexed with +unbelief, blasphemy, hardness of heart, questions about the being +of God, Christ, the truth of the word, and certainty of the world +to come: I say, then I was greatly assaulted and tormented with +atheism, but now the case was otherwise; now was God and Christ +continually before my face, though not in a way of comfort, but +in a way of exceeding dread and terror. The glory of the +holiness of God, did at this time break me to pieces; and the +bowels and compassion of Christ did break me as on the wheel; for +I could not consider Him but as a lost and rejected Christ, the +remembrance of which, was as the continual breaking of my +bones.</p> +<p>245. The scriptures also were wonderful things unto me; +I saw that the truth and verity of them were the keys of the +kingdom of heaven; <i>those</i> that the scriptures favour, +<i>they</i> must inherit bliss; but <i>those</i> that they oppose +and condemn, <i>must</i> perish for evermore: Oh! this word, +<i>For the scriptures cannot be broken</i>, would rend the caul +of my heart: and so would that other, <i>Whose sins ye remit</i>, +<i>they are remitted</i>; <i>but whose sins ye retain</i>, +<i>they are retained</i>. Now I saw the apostles to be the +elders of the city of refuge. Joshua xx. 4. Those +that they were to receive in, were received to life; but those +that they shut out, were to be slain by the avenger of blood.</p> +<p>246. Oh! one sentence of the scripture did more afflict +and terrify my mind, I mean those sentences that stood against me +(as sometimes I thought they every one did) more, I say, than an +army of forty thousand men that might have come against me. +Woe be to him against whom the scriptures bend themselves!</p> +<p>247. By this temptation I was made to see more into the +nature of the promises than ever I was before; for I lying now +trembling under the mighty hand of God, continually torn and rent +by the thundering of His justice: this made me with careful +heart, and watchful eye, with great fearfulness to turn over +every leaf, and with much diligence, mixed with trembling, to +consider every sentence, together with its natural force and +latitude.</p> +<p>248. By this temptation also I was greatly holden off +from my former foolish practice of putting by the word of promise +when saw it came into my mind; for now, though I could not suck +that comfort and sweetness from the promise, as I had done at +other times; yet, like to a man sinking, I would catch at all I +saw: formerly I thought I might not meddle with the promise, +unless I felt its comfort, but now ’twas no time thus to +do; the avenger of blood too hardly did pursue me.</p> +<p>249. Now therefore I was glad to catch at <i>that</i> +word which yet I feared I had no ground or right to own; and even +to leap into the bosom of that promise that yet I feared did shut +its heart against me. Now also I should labour to take the +word as God hath laid it down, without restraining the natural +force of one syllable thereof: O! what did I now see in that +blessed sixth of John: <i>And him that cometh to me</i>, <i>I +will in no wise cast out</i>. John vi. 37. Now I +began to consider with myself, that God hath a bigger mouth to +speak with, than I had a heart to conceive with; I thought also +with myself, that He spake not His words in haste, or in an +unadvised heat, but with infinite wisdom and judgment, and in +very truth and faithfulness. 2 Sam. iii. 28.</p> +<p>250. I should in these days, often in my greatest +agonies, even flounce towards the promise (as the horses do +towards sound ground, that yet stick in the mire); concluding +(though as one almost bereft of his wits through fear) on this I +will rest and stay, and leave the fulfilling of it to the God of +heaven that made it. Oh! many a pull hath my heart had with +Satan, for that blessed sixth of John: I did not now, as at other +times, look principally for comfort (though, O how welcome would +it have been unto me!). But now a word, a word to lean a +weary soul upon, that it might not sink for ever! ’twas +that I hunted for.</p> +<p>251. Yea, often when I have been making to the promise, +I have seen as if the Lord would refuse my soul for ever; I was +often as if I had run upon the pikes, and as if the Lord had +thrust at me, to keep me from Him, as with a flaming sword. +Then I should think of <i>Esther</i>, who went to petition the +king contrary to the law. Esther iv. 16. I thought +also of Benhadad’s servants, who went with ropes upon their +heads to their enemies for mercy. 1 Kings xx. 31, +etc. The woman of Canaan also, that would not be daunted, +though called dog by Christ, Matt. xv., 22, etc., and the man +that went to borrow bread at midnight, Luke xi. 5–8, etc., +were great encouragements unto me.</p> +<p>252. I never saw those heights and depths in grace, and +love, and mercy, as I saw after this temptation; great sins to +draw out great grace; and where guilt is most terrible and +fierce, there the mercy of God in Christ, when showed to the +soul, appears most high and mighty. When <i>Job</i> had +passed through his captivity, <i>he had twice as much as he had +before</i>. Job xlii. 10. Blessed be God for Jesus +Christ our Lord. Many other things I might here make +observation of, but I would be brief, and therefore shall at this +time omit them; and do pray God that my harms may make others +fear to offend, lest they also be made to bear the iron yoke as I +did.</p> +<p>I had two or three times, at or about my deliverance from this +temptation, such strange apprehensions of the grace of God, that +I could hardly bear up under it: it was so out of measure +amazing, when I thought it could reach me, that I do think if +that sense of it had abode long upon me, it would have made me +incapable for business.</p> +<p>253. Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of +other of the Lord’s dealings with me at sundry other +seasons, and of the temptations I then did meet withal. I +shall begin with what I met with when first I did join in +fellowship with the people of God in <i>Bedford</i>. After +I had propounded to the church, that my desire was to walk in the +order and ordinances of Christ with them, and was also admitted +by them: while I thought of that blessed ordinance of Christ, +which was His last supper with His disciples before His death, +that scripture, <i>Do this in remembrance of Me</i>, Luke xxii. +19, was made a very precious word unto me; for by it the Lord did +come down upon my conscience with the discovery of His death for +my sins; and as I then felt, did as if He plunged me in the +virtue of the same. But behold, I had not been long a +partaker at that ordinance, but such fierce and sad temptations +did attend me at all times therein, both to blaspheme the +ordinance, and to wish some deadly thing to those that then did +eat thereof: that lest I should at any time be guilty of +consenting to these wicked and fearful thoughts, I was forced to +bend myself all the while, to pray to God to keep me from such +blasphemies: and also to cry to God to bless the bread and cup to +them, as it went from mouth to mouth. The reason of this +temptation, I have thought since, was, because I did not with +that reverence that became me at first, approach to partake +thereof.</p> +<p>254. Thus I continued for three quarters of a year, and +could never have rest nor ease: but at the last the Lord came in +upon my soul with that same scripture, by which my soul was +visited before: and after that, I have been usually very well and +comfortable in the partaking of that blessed ordinance; and have, +I trust, therein discerned the Lord’s body, as broken for +my sins, and that His precious blood hath been shed for my +transgressions.</p> +<p>255. Upon a time I was something inclining to a +consumption, wherewith about the spring I was suddenly and +violently seized, with much weakness in my outward man; insomuch +that I thought I could not live. Now began I afresh to give +myself up to a serious examination after my state and condition +for the future, and of my evidences for that blessed world to +come: for it hath, I bless the name of God, been my usual course, +as always, so especially in the day of affliction, to endeavour +to keep my interest in the life to come, clear before mine +eyes.</p> +<p>256. But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my +former experience of the goodness of God to my soul, but there +came flocking into my mind an innumerable company of my sins and +transgressions; amongst which these were at this time most to my +affliction; namely, my deadness, dulness, and coldness in holy +duties; my wanderings of heart, of my wearisomeness in all good +things, my want of love to God, His ways and people, with this at +the end of all, <i>Are these the fruits of +Christianity</i>? <i>Are these tokens of a blessed +man</i>?</p> +<p>257. At the apprehensions of these things my sickness +was doubled upon me; for now I was sick in my inward man, my soul +was clogged with guilt; now also was my former experience of +God’s goodness to me, quite taken out of my mind, and hid +as if they had never been, or seen: now was my soul greatly +pinched between these two considerations, <i>Live I must not</i>, +<i>die I dare not</i>. Now I sunk and fell in my spirit, +and was giving up all for lost; but as I was walking up and down +in the house as a man in a most woeful state, that word of God +took hold of my heart, <i>Ye are justified freely by His +grace</i>, <i>through the redemption that is in Christ +Jesus</i>. Rom. iii. 24. But oh! what a turn it made +upon me!</p> +<p>258. Now was I as one awaked out of some troublesome +sleep and dream; and listening to this heavenly sentence, I was +as if I had heard it thus expounded to me: <i>Sinner</i>, <i>thou +thinkest</i>, <i>that because thy sins and infirmities</i>, <i>I +cannot save thy soul</i>; <i>but behold My Son is by me</i>, +<i>and upon Him I look</i>, <i>and not on thee</i>, <i>and shall +deal with thee according as I am pleased with Him</i>. At +this I was greatly lightened in my mind, and made to understand, +that God could justify a sinner at any time; it was but His +looking upon Christ, and imputing His benefits to us, and the +work was forthwith done.</p> +<p>259. And as I was thus in a muse, that scripture also +came with great power upon my spirit, <i>Not by works of +righteousness that we have done</i>, <i>but according to His +mercy He hath saved us</i>, <i>etc.</i> 2 Tim. i. 9; Tit. +iii. 5. Now was I got on high, I saw myself within the arms +of grace and mercy; and though I was before afraid to think of a +dying hour, yet, now I cried, <i>Let me die</i>: Now death was +lovely and beautiful in my sight, for I saw <i>We shall never +live indeed</i>, <i>till we be gone to the other world</i>. +Oh! methought this life is but a slumber, in comparison with that +above. At this time also I saw more in these words, +<i>Heirs of God</i>, Rom. viii. 17, than ever I shall be able to +express while I live in this world: <i>Heirs of God</i>! +God Himself is the portion of the saints. This I saw and +wondered at, but cannot tell you what I saw.</p> +<p>260. Again, as I was at another time very ill and weak, +all that time also the tempter did beset me strongly (for I find +he is much for assaulting the soul; when it begins to approach +towards the grave, then is his opportunity), labouring to hide +from me my former experience of God’s goodness: also +setting before me the terrors of death, and the judgment of God, +insomuch that at this time, through my fear of miscarrying for +ever (should I now die), I was as one dead before death came, and +was as if I had felt myself already descending into the pit; +methought I said, There were no way, but to hell I must: but +behold, just as I was in the midst of those fears, these words of +the angel’s carrying <i>Lazarus</i> into +<i>Abraham’s</i> bosom darted in upon me, as who should +say, <i>So it shall be with thee when thou dost leave this +world</i>. This did sweetly revive my spirit, and help me +to hope in God; which when I had with comfort mused on a while, +that word fell with great weight upon my mind, <i>O death</i>, +<i>where is thy sting</i>? <i>O grave</i>, <i>where is thy +victory</i>? 1 Cor. xv. 55. At this I became both +well in body and mind at once, for my sickness did presently +vanish, and I walked comfortably in my work for God again.</p> +<p>261. At another time, though just before I was pretty +well and savoury in my spirit, yet suddenly there fell upon me a +great cloud of darkness, which did so hide from me the things of +God and Christ, that I was as if I had never seen or known them +in my life: I was also so over-run in my soul with a senseless +heartless frame of spirit, that I could not feel my soul to move +or stir after <i>grace</i> and <i>life</i> by <i>Christ</i>; I +was as if my loins were broken, or as if my hands and feet had +been tied or bound with chains. At this time also I felt +some weakness to seize upon my outward man, which made still the +other affliction the more heavy and uncomfortable to me.</p> +<p>262. After I had been in this condition some three or +four days, as I was sitting by the fire, I suddenly felt this +word to sound in my heart, <i>I must go to Jesus</i>. At +this my former darkness and atheism fled away, and the blessed +things of heaven were set in my view. While I was on this +sudden thus overtaken with surprise, Wife (said I), is there ever +such a scripture, <i>I must go to Jesus</i>? She said, she +could not tell; therefore I sat musing still, to see if I could +remember such a place: I had not sat above two or three minutes, +but that came bolting in upon me, <i>And to an innumerable +company of angels</i>; and withal, Hebrews twelfth, about the +mount <i>Sion</i>, was set before mine eyes. Heb. xii. +22–24.</p> +<p>263. Then with joy I told my wife, <i>O</i>! <i>now I +know</i>, <i>I know</i>! But that night was a good night to +me, I never had but few better; I longed for the company of some +of God’s people, that I might have imparted unto them what +God had showed me. Christ was a precious Christ to my soul +that night; I could scarce lie in my bed for joy, and peace, and +triumph, through Christ. This great glory did not continue +upon me until morning, yet the twelfth of the Author to the +Hebrews, Heb. xii. 22, 23, was a blessed scripture to me for many +days together after this.</p> +<p><a name="page147"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +147</span>264. The words are these: <i>Ye are come to mount +Sion</i>, <i>and unto the city of the living God</i>, <i>the +heavenly Jerusalem</i>, <i>and to an innumerable company of +angels</i>, <i>to the general assembly and church of the +first-born</i>, <i>which are written in heaven</i>; <i>and to God +the Judge of all</i>, <i>and to the spirits of just men made +perfect</i>, <i>and to Jesus the Mediator of the New +Covenant</i>, <i>and to the blood of sprinkling</i>, <i>that +speaketh better things than that of Abel</i>. Through this +blessed sentence the Lord led me over and over, first to this +word, and then to that; and showed me wonderful glory in every +one of them. These words also have oft since that time, +been great refreshment to my spirit. Blessed be God for +having mercy on me.</p> +<h3><i>A brief Account of the Author’s Call to the Work of +the Ministry</i></h3> +<p>265. <span class="smcap">And</span> now I am speaking my +experience, I will in this place thrust in a word or two +concerning my preaching the word, and of God’s dealing with +me in that particular also. For after I had been about five +or six years awakened, and helped myself to see both the want and +worth of Jesus Christ our Lord, and also enabled to venture my +soul upon Him; some of the most able among the saints with us, I +say, the most able for judgment and holiness of life, as they +conceived, did perceive that God had counted me worth to +understand something of His will in His holy and blessed word, +and had given me utterance in some measure, to express what I saw +to others, for edification; therefore they desired me, and that +with much earnestness, that I would be willing, at sometimes to +take in hand, in one of the meetings, to speak a word of +exhortation unto them.</p> +<p>266. The which, though at the first it did much dash and +abash my spirit, yet being still by them desired and entreated, I +consented to their request, and did twice at two several +assemblies (but in private), though with much weakness and +infirmity, discover my gift amongst them; at which they not only +seemed to be, but did solemnly protest, as in the sight of the +great God, they were both affected and comforted; and gave thanks +to the Father of mercies, for the grace bestowed on me.</p> +<p>267. After this, sometimes, when some of them did go +into the country to teach, they would also that I should go with +them; where, though as yet, I did not nor durst not, make use of +my gift in an open way, yet more privately, still, as I came +amongst the good people in those places, I did sometimes speak a +word of admonition unto them also; the which they, as the other, +received with rejoicing at the mercy of God to me-ward, +professing their souls were edified thereby.</p> +<p>268. Wherefore, to be brief; at last, being still +desired by the church, after some solemn prayer to the Lord, with +fasting, I was more particularly called forth, and appointed to a +more ordinary and public preaching of the word, not only to and +amongst them that believed, but also to offer the gospel to those +who had not yet received the faith thereof; about which time I +did evidently find in my mind a secret pricking forward thereto; +though I bless God, not for desire of vain-glory; for at that +time I was most sorely afflicted with the fiery darts of the +devil, concerning my eternal state.</p> +<p>269. But yet could not be content, unless I was found in +the exercise of my gift, unto which also I was greatly animated, +not only by the continual desires of the godly, but also by that +saying of <i>Paul</i> to the <i>Corinthians</i>: <i>I beseech +you</i>, <i>brethren</i> (<i>ye know the household of +Stephanas</i>, <i>that it is the first fruits of Achaia</i>, +<i>and that they have addicted themselves to the ministry of the +saints</i>) <i>that ye submit yourselves unto such</i>, <i>and to +every one that helpeth with us</i>, <i>and laboureth</i>. 1 +Cor. xvi. 15, 16.</p> +<p>270. By this text I was made to see that the Holy +Ghost never intended that men who have gifts and abilities, +should bury them in the earth, but rather did command and stir up +such to the exercise of their gift, and also did commend those +that were apt and ready so to do. <i>They have addicted +themselves to the ministry of the saints</i>. This +scripture, in these days, did continually run in my mind, to +encourage me, and strengthen me in this my work for God; I have +also been encouraged from several other scriptures and examples +of the godly, both specified in the word, and other ancient +histories: <i>Acts</i> viii. 4 and xviii. 24, 25, etc.; 1 +<i>Pet.</i> iv. 10; <i>Rom.</i> xii. 6; <i>Fox’s Acts</i> +and <i>Mon.</i></p> +<p>271. Wherefore, though of myself of all the saints the +most unworthy; yet I, but with great fear and trembling at the +sight of my own weakness, did set upon the work, and did +according to my gift, and the proportion of my faith, preach that +blessed gospel that God had showed me in the holy word of truth: +which when the country understood, they came in to hear the word +by hundreds, and that from all parts, though upon sundry and +divers accounts.</p> +<p>272. And I thank God, He gave unto me some measure of +bowels and pity for their souls, which also did put me forward to +labour, with great diligence and earnestness, to find out such a +word as might, if God would bless, lay hold of, and awaken the +conscience; in which also the good Lord had respect to the desire +of His servant; for I had not preached long, before some began to +be touched, and be greatly afflicted in their minds at the +apprehension of the greatness of their sin, and of their need of +Jesus Christ.</p> +<p>273. But I first could not believe that God should speak +by me to the heart of any man, still counting myself unworthy; +yet those who thus were touched, would love me and have a +particular respect for me; and though I did put it from me, that +they should be awakened by me, still they would confess it, and +affirm it before the saints of God: they would also bless God for +me (unworthy wretch that I am!) and count me God’s +instrument that showed to them the way of salvation.</p> +<p>274. Wherefore seeing them in both their words and deeds +to be so constant, and also in their hearts so earnestly pressing +after the knowledge of Jesus Christ, rejoicing that ever God did +send me where they were; then I began to conclude it might be so, +that God had owned in His work such a foolish one as I; and then +came that word of God to my heart, with much sweet refreshment, +<i>The blessing of him that was ready to perish</i>, <i>is come +upon me</i>; <i>and I caused the widow’s heart to sing for +joy</i>. Job xxix. 13.</p> +<p>275. At this therefore I rejoiced; yea, the tears of +those whom God did awaken by my preaching, would be both solace +and encouragement to me: for I thought on those sayings, <i>Who +is He then that maketh me glad</i>, <i>but the same which is made +sorry by Me</i>? 2 Cor. ii. 2. And again, <i>If I be +not an Apostle to others</i>, <i>yet doubtless</i>, <i>I am unto +you</i>: <i>for the seal of mine apostleship are ye in the +Lord</i>. 1 Cor. ix. 2. These things, therefore, were +as another argument unto me, that God had called me to, and stood +by me in this work.</p> +<p>276. In my preaching of the word, I took special notice +of this one thing, namely, that the Lord did lead me to begin +where His word begins with sinners; that is, to condemn all +flesh, and to open and allege, that the curse of God by the law, +doth belong to, and lay hold on all men as they come into the +world, because of sin. Now this part of my work I fulfilled +with great sense; for the terrors of the law, and guilt for my +transgressions, lay heavy on my conscience: I preached what I +felt, what I smartingly did feel; even that under which my poor +soul did groan and tremble to astonishment.</p> +<p>277. Indeed, I have been as one sent to them from the +dead; I went myself in chains, to preach to them in chains; and +carried that fire in my own conscience, that I persuaded them to +be aware of. I can truly say, and that without dissembling, +that when I have been to preach, I have gone full of guilt and +terror, even to the pulpit door, and there it hath been taken +off, and I have been at liberty in my mind until I have done my +work; and then immediately, even before I could get down the +pulpit stairs, I have been as bad as I was before; yet God +carried me on, but surely with a strong hand, for neither guilt +nor hell could take me off my work.</p> +<p>278. Thus I went on for the space of two years, crying +out against men’s sins, and their fearful state because of +them. After which, the Lord came in upon my own soul, with +some staid peace and comfort through Christ; for He did give me +many sweet discoveries of His blessed grace through Him; +wherefore now I altered in my preaching (for still I preached +what I saw and felt); now therefore I did much labour to hold +forth Jesus Christ in all His offices, relations, and benefits +unto the world; and did strive also to discover, to condemn, and +remove those false supports and props on which the world doth +both lean, and by them fall and perish. On these things +also I staid as long as on the other.</p> +<p>279. After this, God led me into something of the +mystery of the union of Christ; wherefore that I discovered and +showed to them also. And, when I had travelled through +these three chief points of the word of God, about the space of +five years or more, I was caught in my present practice, and cast +into prison, where I have lain above as long again to confirm the +truth by way of suffering, as I was before in testifying of it +according to the scriptures, in a way of preaching.</p> +<p>280. When I have been in preaching, I thank God my heart +hath often all the time of this and the other exercise, with +great earnestness cried to God that He would make the word +effectual to the salvation of the soul; still being grieved lest +the enemy should take the word away from the conscience, and so +it should become unfruitful: wherefore I should labour to speak +the word, as that thereby, if it were possible, the sin and +person guilty might be particularized by it.</p> +<p>281. And when I have done the exercise, it hath gone to +my heart, to think the word should now fall as rain on stony +places; still wishing from my heart, Oh! that they who have heard +me speak this day, did but see as I do, what sin, death, hell, +and the curse of God is; and also what the grace, and love, and +mercy of God is, through Christ, to men in such a case as they +are, who are yet estranged from Him. And indeed, I did +often say in my heart before the Lord, <i>That if to be hanged up +presently before their eyes</i>, <i>would be a means to awaken +them</i>, <i>and confirm them in the truth</i>, <i>I gladly +should be contented</i>.</p> +<p>282. For I have been in my preaching, especially when I +have been engaged in the doctrine of life by Christ, without +works, as if an angel of God had stood by at my back to encourage +me: Oh! it hath been with such power and heavenly evidence upon +my own soul, while I have been labouring to unfold it, to +demonstrate it, and to fasten it upon the conscience of others; +that I could not be contented with saying, <i>I believe</i>, +<i>and am sure</i>; methought I was more than sure (if it be +lawful to express myself) that those things which then I +asserted, were true.</p> +<p>283. When I first went to preach the word abroad, the +doctors and priests of the country did open wide against +me. But I was persuaded of this, not to render railing for +railing; but to see how many of their carnal professors I could +convince of their miserable state by the law, and of the want and +worth of Christ: for, thought I, <i>This shall answer for me in +time to come</i>, <i>when they shall be for my hire before their +face</i>. Gen. xxx. 33.</p> +<p>284. I never cared to meddle with things that were +controverted, and in dispute among the saints, especially things +of the lowest nature; yet it pleased me much to contend with +great earnestness for the word of faith, and the remission of +sins by the death and sufferings of Jesus: but I say, as to other +things, I should let them alone, because I saw they engendered +strife; and because that they neither in doing, nor in leaving +undone, did commend us to God to be His: besides, I saw my work +before me did run into another channel, even to carry an +awakening word; to that therefore did I stick and adhere.</p> +<p>285. I never endeavoured to, nor durst make use of other +men’s lines, Rom. xv. 18 (though I condemn not all that +do), for I verily thought, and found by experience, that what was +taught me by the word and Spirit of Christ, could be spoken, +maintained, and stood to, by the soundest and best established +conscience; and though I will not now speak all that I know in +this matter, yet my experience hath more interest in that text of +scripture, Gal. i. 11, 12, than many amongst men are aware.</p> +<p>286. If any of those who were awakened by my ministry, +did after that fall back (as sometimes too many did), I can truly +say, their loss hath been more to me, than if one of my own +children, begotten of my own body, had been going to its grave: I +think verily, I may speak it without any offence to the Lord, +nothing has gone so near me as that; unless it was the fear of +the loss of the salvation of my own soul. I have counted as +if I had goodly buildings and lordships in those places where my +children were born; my heart hath been so wrapped up in the glory +of this excellent work, that I counted myself more blessed and +honoured of God by this, than if He had made me the emperor of +the Christian world, or the lord of all the glory of the earth +without it! Oh these words! <i>He which converteth +the sinner from the error of his way</i>, <i>shall save a soul +from death</i>. James v. 20. <i>The fruit of the +righteous is a tree of life</i>; <i>and he that winneth souls is +wise</i>. Prov. xi. 30. <i>They that be wise shall +shine as the brightness of the firmament</i>, <i>and they that +turn many to righteousness</i>, <i>as the stars for ever and +ever</i>. Dan. xii. 3. <i>For what is our hope</i>, +<i>or joy</i>, <i>or crown of rejoicing</i>? <i>Are not +even ye in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ at His +coming</i>? <i>For ye are our glory and joy</i>. 1 +Thes. ii. 19, 20. These, I say, with many others of a like +nature, have been great refreshments to me.</p> +<p>287. I have observed, that where I have had a work to do +for God, I have had first, as it were, the going of God upon my +spirit, to desire I might preach there: I have also observed, +that such and such souls in particular, have been strongly set +upon my heart, and I stirred up to wish for their salvation; and +that these very souls have, after this, been given in as the +fruits of my ministry. I have observed, that a word cast +in, by-the-bye, hath done more execution in a sermon, than all +that was spoken besides: sometimes also, when I have thought I +did no good, then I did the most of all; and at other times, when +I thought I should catch them, I have fished for nothing.</p> +<p>288. I have also observed, that where there has been a +work to do upon sinners, there the devil hath begun to roar in +the hearts and by the mouths of his servants: yea, oftentimes, +when the wicked world hath raged most, there hath been souls +awakened by the word: I could instance particulars, but I +forbear.</p> +<p>289. My great desire in my fulfilling my ministry was to +get into the darkest places of the country, even amongst those +people that were farthest off of profession; yet not because I +could not endure the light (for I feared not to show my gospel to +any) but because I found my spirit did lean most after awakening +and converting work, and the word that I carried did lean itself +most that way also; <i>Yea</i>, <i>so have I strived to preach +the gospel</i>, <i>not where Christ was named</i>, <i>lest I +should build upon another man’s foundation</i>. Rom. +xv. 20.</p> +<p>290. In my preaching I have really been in pain, and +have, as it were, travailed to bring forth children to God; +neither could I be satisfied unless some fruits did appear in my +work. If I were fruitless, it mattered not who commanded +me: but if I were fruitful, I cared not who did condemn. I +have thought of that: <i>Lo</i>! <i>children are an heritage of +the Lord</i>; <i>and the fruit of the womb is His +reward</i>.—<i>As arrows are in the hand of a mighty +man</i>, <i>so are children of the youth</i>. <i>Happy is +the man that hath his quiver full of them</i>: <i>they shall not +be ashamed</i>, <i>but they shall speak with the enemies in the +gate</i>. Psalm cxxvii. 3–5.</p> +<p>291. It pleased me nothing to see people drink in +opinions, if they seemed ignorant of Jesus Christ, and the worth +of their own salvation, sound conviction for sin, especially for +unbelief, and a heart set on fire to be saved by Christ, with +strong breathings after a truly sanctified soul: that it was that +delighted me; those were the souls I counted blessed.</p> +<p>292. But in this work, as in all other, I had my +temptations attending me, and that of divers kinds; as sometimes +I should be assaulted with great discouragement therein, fearing +that I should not be able to speak a word at all to edification; +nay, that I should not be able to speak sense unto the people; at +which times I should have such a strange faintness and +strengthlessness seize upon my body, that my legs have scarce +been able to carry me to the place of exercise.</p> +<p>293. Sometimes again when I have been preaching, I have +been violently assaulted with thoughts of blasphemy, and strongly +tempted to speak the words with my mouth before the +congregation. I have also at some times, even when I have +begun to speak the word with much clearness, evidence, and +liberty of speech, yet been, before the ending of that +opportunity, so blinded and so estranged from the things I have +been speaking, and have been also so straightened in my speech, +as to utterance before the people, that I have been as if I had +not known, or remembered what I have been about; or as if my head +had been in a bag all the time of my exercise.</p> +<p>294. Again, when as sometimes I have been about to +preach upon some smart and searching portion of the word, I have +found the tempter suggest, <i>What</i>! <i>will you preach +this</i>! <i>This condemns yourself</i>; <i>of this your +own soul is guilty</i>; <i>wherefore preach not of it at all</i>; +<i>or if you do</i>, <i>yet so mince it</i>, <i>as to make way +for your own escape</i>; <i>lest instead of awakening others</i>, +<i>you lay that guilt upon your own soul</i>, <i>that you will +never get from under</i>.</p> +<p>295. But I thank the Lord, I have been kept from +consenting to these so horrid suggestions, and have rather, as +Sampson, bowed myself with all my might, to condemn sin and +transgression, wherever I found it; yea, though therein also I +did bring guilt upon my own conscience: <i>Let me die</i> +(thought I), <i>with the Philistines</i>, Judges xvi. 29, 30, +rather than deal corruptly with the blessed word of God. +<i>Thou that teachest another</i>, <i>teachest thou not +thyself</i>? It is far better that thou do judge thyself, +even by preaching plainly unto others, than that thou, to save +thyself, imprison the truth in righteousness. Blessed be +God for His help also in this.</p> +<p>296. I have also, while found in this blessed work of +Christ, been often tempted to pride and liftings up of heart: and +though I dare not say, I have not been affected with this, yet +truly the Lord of His precious mercy, hath so carried it towards +me, that for the most part I have had but small joy to give way +to such a thing: for it hath been my every day’s portion to +be let into the evil of my own heart, and still made to see such +a multitude of corruptions and infirmities therein, that it hath +caused hanging down of the head under all my gifts and +attainments; I have felt this thorn in the flesh, 2 Cor. xii. 8, +9, the very mercy of God to me.</p> +<p>297. I have also had, together with this, some notable +place or other of the word presented before me, which word hath +contained in it some sharp and piercing sentence concerning the +perishing of the soul, notwithstanding gifts and parts: as, for +instance, that hath been of great use to me: <i>Though I speak +with the tongues of men and angels</i>, <i>and have not +charity</i>, <i>I am become as sounding brass</i>, <i>and a +tinkling cymbal</i>. 1 Cor. xiii. 1, 2.</p> +<p>298. A tinkling cymbal is an instrument of music, with +which a skilful player can make such melodious and +heart-inflaming music, that all who hear him play, can scarcely +hold from dancing; and yet behold the cymbal hath not life, +neither comes the music from it, but because of the art of him +that plays therewith; so then the instrument at last may come to +nought and perish, though in times past such music hath been made +upon it.</p> +<p>299. Just thus I saw it was, and will be, with them who +have gifts, but want saving grace; they are in the hand of +Christ, as the cymbal in the hand of <i>David</i>: and as +<i>David</i> could with the cymbal make that mirth in the service +of God, as to elevate the hearts of the worshippers, so Christ +can use these gifted men, as with them to affect the souls of His +people in His church; yet when He hath done all, hang them by, as +lifeless, though sounding cymbals.</p> +<p>300. This consideration therefore, together with some +others, were for the most part, as a maul on the head of pride, +and desire of vain-glory. What, thought I, shall I be proud +because I am a sounding brass? Is it so much to be a +fiddle? hath not the least creature that hath life, more of God +in it than these? Besides, I knew ’twas love should +never die, but these must cease and vanish: so I concluded, a +little grace, a little love, a little of the true fear of God, is +better than all the gifts: yea, and I am fully convinced of it, +that it is possible for souls that can scarce give a man an +answer, but with great confusion as to method; I say, it is +possible for them to have a thousand times more grace, and so to +be more in the love and favour of the Lord, than some who by the +virtue of the gift of knowledge, can deliver themselves like +angels.</p> +<p>301. Thus therefore I came to perceive that, though +gifts in themselves were good, to the thing for which they are +designed, to wit, the edification of others; yet empty, and +without power to save the soul of him that hath them, if they be +<i>alone</i>: neither are they, as so, any sign of a man’s +state to be happy, being only a dispensation of God to some, of +whose improvement, or non-improvement, they must when a little +love more is over, give an account to Him that is ready to judge +the quick and the dead.</p> +<p>302. This showed me too, that gifts being alone, were +dangerous, not in themselves, but because of those evils that +attend them that have them, to wit, pride, desire of vain glory, +self-conceit, etc., all which were easily blown up at the +applause and commendation of every unadvised Christian, to the +endangering of a poor creature to fall into the condemnation of +the devil.</p> +<p>303. I saw therefore that he that hath gifts, had need +be let into a sight of the nature of them, to wit, that they come +short of making of him to be in a truly saved condition, lest he +rest in them, and so fall short of the grace of God.</p> +<p>304. He hath cause also to walk humbly with God and be +little in his own eyes, and to remember withal, that his gifts +are not his own, but the churches; and that by them he is made a +servant to the church; and he must also give at last an account +of his stewardship unto the Lord Jesus, and to give a good +account will be a blessed thing.</p> +<p>305. Let all men therefore prize a little with the fear +of the Lord (gifts indeed are desirable), but yet great grace and +small gifts are better than great gifts and no grace. It +doth not say, the Lord gives gifts and glory, but the Lord gives +grace and glory; and blessed is such an one, to whom the Lord +gives grace, true grace; for that is a certain forerunner of +glory.</p> +<p>306. But when Satan perceived that his thus tempting and +assaulting of me, would not answer his design; to wit, to +overthrow the ministry, and make it ineffectual, as to the ends +thereof: then he tried another way, which was, to stir up the +minds of the ignorant and malicious to load me with slanders and +reproaches: now therefore I may say, that what the devil could +devise, and his instruments invent, was whirled up and down the +country against me, thinking, as I said, that by that means they +should make my ministry to be abandoned.</p> +<p>307. It began therefore to be rumoured up and down among +the people, that I was a witch, a Jesuit, a highwayman, and the +like.</p> +<p style="text-align: center"> +<a href="images/p109b.jpg"> +<img alt= +"Bunyan is looked on with Suspicion" +title= +"Bunyan is looked on with Suspicion" +src="images/p109s.jpg" /> +</a></p> +<p>308. To all which, I shall only say, God knows that I am +innocent. But as for mine accusers, let them provide +themselves to meet me before the tribunal of the Son of God, +there to answer for all these things (with all the rest of their +iniquities) unless God shall give them repentance for them, for +the which I pray with all my heart.</p> +<p>309. But that which was reported with the boldest +confidence, was, that I had my <i>misses</i>, my <i>whores</i>, +my <i>bastards</i>; yea, <i>two wives</i> at once, and the +like. Now these slanders (with the others) I glory +in, because but slanders, foolish or knavish lies, and falsehoods +cast upon me by the devil and his seed; and, should I not be +dealt with thus wickedly by the world, I should want one sign of +a saint, and a child of God. <i>Blessed are ye</i> (said +the Lord Jesus) <i>when men shall revile you and persecute +you</i>, <i>and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely +for My sake</i>; <i>rejoice and be exceeding glad</i>, <i>for +great is your reward in heaven</i>, <i>for so persecuted they the +prophets which were before you</i>. Matt. iv. 11.</p> +<p>310. These things therefore, upon mine own account, +trouble me not; no, though they were twenty times more than they +are. I have a good conscience, and whereas they speak evil +of me, as an evil-doer, they shall be ashamed that falsely accuse +my good conversation in Christ.</p> +<p>311. So then, what shall I say to those who have thus +bespattered me? Shall I threaten them? Shall I chide +them? Shall I flatter them? Shall I entreat them to +hold their tongues? No, not I. Were it not for that +these things make them ripe for damnation, that are the authors +and abettors, I would say unto them, <i>Report it</i>, because +’twill increase my glory.</p> +<p>312. Therefore I bind these lies and slanders to me as +an ornament; it belongs to my Christian profession to be +vilified, slandered, reproached and reviled; and since all this +is nothing else, as my God and my conscience do bear me witness, +I rejoice in reproaches for Christ’s sake.</p> +<p>313. I also call all these fools or knaves, that have +thus made it any thing of their business to affirm any of the +things afore-named of me; namely, That I have been naught with +other women, or the like. When they have used the utmost of +their endeavours, and made the fullest inquiry that they can, to +prove against me truly, that there is any woman in heaven, or +earth, or hell, that can say, I have at any time, in any place, +by day or night, so much as attempted to be naught with them; and +speak I thus to beg my enemies into a good esteem of me? +No, not I: I will in this beg belief of no man: believe or +disbelieve me in this, all is a-case to me.</p> +<p>314. My foes have missed their mark in this shooting at +me: I am not the man: I wish that they themselves be +guiltless. If all the fornicators and adulterers in +<i>England</i> were hanged up by the neck till they be dead, +<i>John Bunyan</i>, the object of their envy, would be still +alive and well. I know not whether there be such a thing as +a woman breathing under the copes of the whole heaven, but by +their apparel, their children, or by common fame, except my +wife.</p> +<p>315. And in this I admire the wisdom of God, that He +made me shy of women from my first conversion until now. +Those shy of women know, and can also bear me witness, with whom +I have been most intimately concerned, that it is a rare thing to +see me carry it pleasant towards a woman: the common salutation +of women I abhor; ’tis odious to me in whomsoever I see +it. Their company alone, I cannot away with; I seldom so +much as touch a woman’s hand; for I think these things are +not so becoming me. When I have seen good men salute those +women that they have visited, or that have visited them, I have +at times made my objection against it; and when they have +answered, that it was but a piece of civility, I have told them, +it is not a comely sight. Some indeed have urged the holy +kiss; but then I have asked why they made baulks? why they did +salute the most handsome, and let the ill-favoured go? +Thus, how laudable soever such things have been in the eyes of +others, they have been unseemly in my sight.</p> +<p>316. And now for a wind-up in this matter, I calling not +only men, but angels, to prove me guilty of having carnally to do +with any woman save my wife: nor am I afraid to do it a second +time; knowing that it cannot offend the Lord in such a case, to +call God for a record upon my soul, that in these things I am +innocent. Not that I have been thus kept, because of any +goodness in me, more than any other; but God has been merciful to +me, and has kept me; to whom I pray that He will keep me still, +not only <a name="page169"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +169</span>from this, but every evil way and work, and preserve me +to His heavenly kingdom. <i>Amen</i>.</p> +<p>317. Now as Satan laboured by reproaches and slanders, +to make me vile among my countrymen; that, if possible, my +preaching might be made of none effect; so there was added +hereto, a long and tedious imprisonment, that thereby I might be +frightened from my service for Christ, and the world terrified, +and made afraid to hear me preach; of which I shall in the next +place give you a brief account.</p> +<h3><span class="smcap">A Brief Account of the Author’s +Imprisonment</span></h3> +<p>318. Having made profession of the glorious gospel of +Christ a long time, and preached the same about five years, I was +apprehended at a meeting of good people in the country (among +whom, had they let me alone, I should have preached that day, but +they took me away from amongst them), and had me before a +justice; who, after I had offered security for my appearing at +the next sessions, yet committed me, because my sureties would +not consent to be bound that I should preach no more to the +people.</p> +<p>319. At the sessions after I was indicted for an +upholder and maintainer of unlawful assemblies and conventicles, +and for not conforming to the national worship of the church of +<i>England</i>; and after some conference there with the +justices, they taking my plain dealing with them for a +confession, as they termed it, <i>of the indictment</i>, <i>did +sentence me to a perpetual banishment</i>, <i>because I refused +to conform</i>. So being again delivered up to the +jailer’s hands, I was had home to prison, and there have +lain now complete twelve years, waiting to see what God would +suffer these men to do with me.</p> +<p>320. In which condition I have continued with much +content, through grace, but have met with many turnings and +goings upon my heart, both from the Lord, Satan, and my own +corruptions; by all which (glory be to Jesus Christ) I have also +received among many things, much conviction, instruction, and +understanding, of which at large I shall not here discourse; only +give you a hint or two, a word that may stir up the godly to +bless God, and to pray for me; and also to take encouragement, +should the case be their own—<i>not to fear what man can do +unto them</i>.</p> +<p>321. I never had in all my life so great an inlet into +the word of God as now: those scriptures that I saw nothing in +before, are made in this place and state to shine upon me; Jesus +Christ also was never more real and apparent than now; here I +have seen and felt Him indeed: Oh! that word, <i>We have not +preached unto you cunningly devised fables</i>, 2 Pet. i. 16, and +that, <i>God raised Christ from the dead</i>, <i>and gave Him +glory</i>, <i>that our faith and hope might be in God</i> 1 Pet. +i. 21, were blessed words unto me in this my imprisoned +condition.<br /> +</p> +<p>322. These three or four scriptures also have been great +refreshments in this condition to me: John xiv. 1–4; John +xvi. 33; Col. iii. 3, 4; Heb. xii. 22–24. So that +sometimes when I have been in the savour of them, I have been +able to laugh at destruction, <i>and to fear neither the horse +nor his rider</i>. I have had sweet sights of the +forgiveness of my sins in this place, and of my being with Jesus +in another world: <i>Oh</i>! <i>the mount Sion</i>, <i>the +heavenly Jerusalem</i>, <i>the innumerable company of angels</i>, +<i>and God the Judge of all</i>, <i>and the spirits of just men +made perfect</i>, <i>and Jesus</i>, have been sweet unto me in +this place: I have seen that here, that I am persuaded I shall +never, while in this world, be able to express: I have seen a +truth in this scripture, <i>Whom having not seen</i>, <i>ye +love</i>; <i>in whom</i>, <i>though now you see Him not</i>, +<i>yet believing</i>, <i>ye rejoice with joy unspeakable</i>, +<i>and full of glory</i>. 1 Pet. i. 8.</p> +<p>323. I never knew what it was for God to stand by me at +all turns, and at every offer of Satan to afflict me, etc., as I +have found Him since I came in hither: for look how fears have +presented themselves, so have supports and encouragements; yea, +when I have started, even as it were, at nothing else but my +shadow, yet God, as being very tender of me, hath not suffered me +to be molested, but would with one scripture or another, +strengthen me against all; insomuch that I have often said, +<i>were it lawful</i>, <i>I could pray for greater trouble</i>, +<i>for the greater comfort’s sake</i>. Eccl. vii. 14; +2 Cor. i. 5.</p> +<p>324. Before I came to prison, I saw what was coming, and +had especially two considerations warm upon my heart; the first +was, how to be able to encounter death, should that be here my +portion. For the first of these, that scripture, Col. i. +11, was great information to me, namely, to pray to God <i>to be +strengthened with all might</i>, <i>according to His glorious +power</i>, <i>unto all patience and long-suffering with +joyfulness</i>. I could seldom go to prayer before I was +imprisoned; but for not so little as a year together, this +sentence, or sweet petition would, as it were, thrust itself into +my mind, and persuade me, that if ever I would go through +long-suffering, I must have all patience, especially if I would +endure it joyfully.</p> +<p>325. As to the second consideration, that saying (2 Cor. +i. 9) was of great use to me, <i>But we had the sentence of death +in ourselves</i>, <i>that we should not trust in ourselves</i>, +<i>but in God</i>, <i>which raiseth the dead</i>. By this +scripture I was made to see, That if ever I would suffer rightly, +I must first pass a sentence of death upon every thing that can +properly be called a thing of this life, even to reckon myself, +my wife, my children, my health, my enjoyments, and all as dead +to me, and myself as dead to them.</p> +<p>326. The second was to live upon God that is invisible, +as Paul said in another place; the way not to faint is, <i>To +look not on the things that are seen</i>, <i>but at the things +that are not seen</i>; <i>for the things that are seen are +temporal</i>, <i>but the things that are not seen are +eternal</i>. And thus I reasoned with myself, if I provide +only for a prison, then the whip comes at unawares; and so doth +also the pillory: Again, if I only provide for these, then I am +not fit for banishment. Further, if I conclude that +banishment is the worst, then if death comes, I am surprised: so +that I see, the best way to go through sufferings, is to trust in +God through Christ, as touching the world to come; and as +touching this world, <i>to count the grave my house</i>, <i>to +make my bed in darkness</i>; <i>to say to corruption</i>, <i>Thou +art my father</i>, <i>and to the worm</i>, <i>Thou art my mother +and sister</i>: that is, to familiarize these things to me.</p> +<p>327. But notwithstanding these helps, I found myself a +man and compassed with infirmities; the parting with my wife and +poor children, hath often been to me in this place, as the +pulling the flesh from the bones, and that not only because I am +somewhat too fond of these great mercies, but also because I +should have often brought to my mind the many hardships, +miseries, and wants that my poor family was like to meet with, +should I be taken from them, especially my poor blind child, who +lay nearer my heart than all besides: Oh! the thoughts of the +hardship I thought my poor blind one might go under, would break +my heart to pieces.</p> +<p style="text-align: center"> +<a href="images/p174b.jpg"> +<img alt= +"Bunyan Parting with his Wife and Children" +title= +"Bunyan Parting with his Wife and Children" +src="images/p174s.jpg" /> +</a></p> +<p>328. Poor child! thought I, what sorrow art thou like to +have for thy portion in this world! Thou must be beaten, +must beg, suffer hunger, cold, nakedness, and a thousand +calamities, though I cannot now endure the wind should blow upon +thee. But yet recalling myself, thought I, I must venture +you all with God, though it goeth to the quick to leave you: Oh! +I saw in this condition I was as a man who was pulling down his +house upon the head of his wife and children; yet, thought I, I +must do it, I must do it: and now I thought on those <i>two milch +kine that were to carry the ark of God into another country</i>, +<i>and to leave their calves behind them</i>. 1 Sam. vi. +10–12.</p> +<p>329. But that which helped me in this temptation, was +divers considerations, of which, three in special here I will +name, the first was the consideration of these two scriptures, +<i>Leave thy fatherless children</i>, <i>I will preserve them +alive</i>, <i>and let thy widows trust in me</i>: and again, +<i>The Lord said</i>, <i>Verily it shall be well with thy +remnant</i>, <i>verily</i>, <i>I will cause the enemy to entreat +thee well in the time of evil</i>, <i>and in time of +affliction</i>. Jer. xlix. 11; xv. 11.</p> +<p>330. I had also this consideration, that if I should not +venture all for God, I engaged God to take care of my +concernments: but if I forsook Him and His ways, for fear of any +trouble that should come to me or mine, then I should not only +falsify my profession, but should count also that my concernments +were not so sure, if left at God’s feet, whilst I stood to +and for His name, as they would be if they were under my own +care, though with the denial of the way of God. This was a +smarting consideration, and as spurs unto my flesh. That +scripture also greatly helped it to fasten the more upon me, +where Christ prays against Judas, that God would disappoint him +in his selfish thoughts, which moved him to sell his +Master. Pray read it soberly: Psalm cix. 6–8, +etc.</p> +<p>331. I had also another consideration, and that was, the +dread of the torments of hell, which I was sure they must partake +of that for fear of the cross, do shrink from their profession of +Christ, His words and laws before the sons of men: I thought also +of the glory that He had prepared for those that in faith, and +love, and patience, stood to His ways before them. These +things, I say, have helped me, when the thoughts of the misery +that both myself and mine, might for the sake of my profession be +exposed to, hath lain pinching on my mind.</p> +<p>332. When I have indeed conceited that I might be +banished for my profession, then I have thought of that +scripture: <i>They were stoned</i>, <i>they were sawn +asunder</i>, <i>were tempted</i>, <i>were slain with the +sword</i>, <i>they wandered about in sheep-skins</i>, <i>and +goat-skins</i>, <i>being destitute</i>, <i>afflicted</i>, +<i>tormented</i>, <i>of whom the world was not worthy</i>; for +all they thought they were too bad to dwell and abide amongst +them. I have also thought of that saying, <i>the Holy Ghost +witnesseth in every city</i>, <i>that bonds and afflictions abide +me</i>. I have verily thought that <i>my</i> soul and +<i>it</i> have sometimes reasoned about the sore and sad estate +of a banished and exiled condition, how they were exposed to +hunger, to cold, to perils, to nakedness, to enemies, and a +thousand calamities; and at last, it may be, to die in a ditch, +like a poor and desolate sheep. But I thank God, hitherto I +have not been moved by these most <i>delicate</i> reasonings, but +have rather, by them, more approved my heart to God.</p> +<p>333. I will tell you a pretty business:—I was once +above all the rest, in a very sad and low condition for many +weeks; at which time also, I being but a young prisoner, and not +acquainted with the laws, had this lying much upon my spirits, +<i>that my imprisonment might end at the gallows for ought that I +could tell</i>. Now therefore Satan laid hard at me, to +beat me out of heart, by suggesting thus unto me: <i>But how +if</i>, <i>when you come indeed to die</i>, <i>you should be in +this condition</i>; <i>that is</i>, <i>as not to savour the +things of God</i>, <i>nor to have any evidence upon your soul for +a better state hereafter</i>? (for indeed at that time all the +things of God were hid from my soul).</p> +<p>334. Wherefore, when I at first began to think of this, +it was a great trouble to me; for I thought with myself, that in +the condition I now was in, I was not fit to die, neither indeed +did I think I could, if I should be called to it; besides, I +thought with myself, if I should make a scrambling shift to +clamber up the ladder, yet I should either with quaking, or other +symptoms of fainting, give occasion to the enemy to reproach the +way of God and His people for their timorousness. This, +therefore, lay with great trouble upon me, for methought I was +ashamed to die with a pale face, and tottering knees, in such a +cause as this.</p> +<p>335. Wherefore I prayed to God that He would comfort me, +and give me strength to do and suffer me what He should call me +to; yet no comfort appeared, but all continued hid: I was also at +this time, so really possessed with the thought of death, that +oft I was as if I was on a ladder with the rope about my neck; +only this was some encouragement to me; I thought I might now +have an opportunity to speak my last words to a multitude, which +I thought would come to see me die; and, thought I, if it must be +so, if God will but convert one soul by my very last words, I +shall not count my life thrown away, nor lost.</p> +<p>336. But yet all the things of God were kept out of my +sight, and still the tempter followed me with, <i>But whither +must you go when you die</i>? <i>what will become of you</i>? +<i>where will you be found in another world</i>? <i>what evidence +have you for heaven and glory</i>, <i>and an inheritance among +them that are sanctified</i>? Thus was I tossed for many +weeks, and knew not what to do; at last this consideration fell +with weight upon me, <i>that it was for the word and way of God +that I was in this condition</i>, <i>Wherefore I was engaged not +to flinch an hair’s breadth from it</i>.</p> +<p>337. I thought also, that God might choose whether He +would give me comfort now, or at the hour of death; but I might +not therefore choose whether I would hold my profession or no: I +was bound, but He was free; yea, ’twas my duty to stand to +His word, whether He would ever look upon me or save me at the +last: wherefore, thought I, save the point being thus, I am for +going on, and venturing my eternal state with Christ, whether I +have comfort here or no; if God doth not come in, thought I, <i>I +will leap off the ladder even blindfold into eternity</i>, +<i>sink or swim</i>, <i>come heaven</i>, <i>come hell</i>, +<i>Lord Jesus</i>, <i>if Thou wilt catch me</i>, <i>do</i>; <i>if +not</i>, <i>I will venture for Thy name</i>.</p> +<p>338. I was no sooner fixed in this resolution, but the +word dropped upon me, <i>Doth Job serve God for nought</i>? +As if the accuser had said, <i>Lord</i>, <i>Job is no upright +man</i>, <i>he serves Thee for bye-respects</i>: <i>hast Thou not +made an hedge about him</i>, <i>etc.</i> <i>But put forth +now Thine hand</i>, <i>and touch all that he hath</i>, +<i>and</i>, <i>he will curse Thee to Thy face</i>. How now! +thought I, is this the sign of an upright soul, to desire to +serve God, when all is taken from him? <a +name="page180"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 180</span>Is he a +godly man that will serve God for nothing, rather than give +out! Blessed be God! then I hope I have an upright heart, +for I am resolved (God giving me strength) never to deny my +profession, though I have nothing at all for my pains: and as I +was thus considering, that scripture was set before me: Psalm +xliv. 12, etc.</p> +<p>339. Now was my heart full of comfort; for I hoped it +was sincere: I would not have been without this trial for much; I +am comforted every time I think of it, and I hope I shall bless +God for ever, for the teaching I have had by it. Many more +of the dealings towards me I might relate, <i>But these out of +the spoils won in battle I have dedicated to maintain the house +of God</i>. 1 Chron. xxvi. 27.</p> +<h3><span class="smcap">The Conclusion</span></h3> +<p>1. <span class="smcap">Of</span> all the temptations +that ever I met with in my life, to question the being of God, +and truth of His gospel is the worst, and the worst to be borne; +when this temptation comes, it takes away my girdle from me, and +removeth the foundation from under me: Oh! I have often thought +of that word, <i>Have your loins girt about with truth</i>; and +of that, <i>When the foundations are destroyed</i>, <i>what can +the righteous do</i>?</p> +<p>2. Sometimes, when after sin committed, I have looked +for sore chastisement from the hand of God, the very next that I +have had from Him, hath been the discovery of His grace. +Sometimes when I have been comforted, I have called myself a fool +for my so sinking under trouble. And then again, when I +have been cast down, I thought I was not wise, to give such way +to comfort; with such strength and weight have both these been +upon me.</p> +<p>3. I have wondered much at this one thing, that though +God doth visit my soul with never so blessed a discovery of +Himself, yet I have found again, that such hours have attended me +afterwards, that I have been in my spirit so filled with +darkness, that I could not so much as once conceive what that God +and that comfort was, with which I have been refreshed.</p> +<p>4. I have sometimes seen more in a line of the Bible, +than I could well tell how to stand under; and yet at another +time, the whole Bible hath been to me as dry as a stick; or +rather, My heart hath been so dead and dry unto it, that I could +not conceive the refreshment, though I have looked it all +over.</p> +<p>5. Of all fears, they are best that are made by the +blood of Christ; and of all joy, that is the sweetest that is +mixed with mourning over Christ: Oh! it is a goodly thing to be +on our knees, with Christ in our arms, before God: I hope I know +something of these things.</p> +<p>6. I find to this day seven abominations in my heart: 1. +Inclining to unbelief; 2. Suddenly to forget the love and mercy +that Christ manifesteth; 3. A leaning to the works of the law; 4. +Wanderings and coldness in prayer; 5. To forget to watch for that +I pray for; 6. Apt to murmur because I have no more, and yet +ready to abuse what I have; 7. I can do none of those things +which God commands me, but my corruptions will thrust in +themselves. When I would do good, evil is present with +me.</p> +<p>7. These things I continually see and feel, and am +afflicted and oppressed with, yet the wisdom of God doth order +them for my good; 1. They make me abhor myself; 2. They keep me +from trusting my heart; 3. They convince me of the insufficiency +of all inherent righteousness; 4. They show me the necessity of +flying to Jesus; 5. They press me to pray unto God; 6. They show +me the need I have to watch and be sober; 7. And provoke me to +pray unto God, through Christ, to help me, and carry me through +this world.</p> +<h2><a name="page183"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +183</span><span class="smcap">A Relation of my Imprisonment in +the Month of November</span> 1660</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">When</span>, by the good hand of my God, I +had for five or six years together, without any interruption, +freely preached the blessed gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ; and +had also, through His blessed grace, some encouragement by His +blessing thereupon; the devil, that old enemy of man’s +salvation, took his opportunity to inflame the hearts of his +vassals against me, insomuch that at the last, I was laid out for +by the warrant of a justice, and was taken and committed to +prison. The relation thereof is as followeth:—</p> +<p>Upon the 12th of this instant, November 1660, I was desired by +some of the friends in the country to come to teach at +<i>Samsell</i>, by <i>Harlington</i>, in +<i>Bedfordshire</i>. To whom I made a promise, if the Lord +permitted, to be with them on the time aforesaid. The +justice hearing thereof (whose name is Mr <i>Francis +Wingate</i>), forthwith issued out his warrant to take me, and +bring me before him, and in the meantime to keep a very strong +watch about the house where the meeting should be kept, as if we +that were to meet together in that place did intend to do some +fearful business, to the destruction of the country; when alas! +the constable, when he came in, found us only with our Bibles in +our hands, ready to speak and hear the word of God; for we were +just about to begin our exercise. Nay, we had begun in +prayer for the blessing of God upon our opportunity, intending to +have preached the word of the Lord unto them there present: <a +name="citation184"></a><a href="#footnote184" +class="citation">[184]</a> but the constable coming in prevented +us. So I was taken and forced to depart the room. But +had I been minded to have played the coward, I could have escaped +and kept out of his hands. For when I was come to my +friend’s house, there was whispering that that day I should +be taken, for there was a warrant out to take me; which when my +friend heard, he being somewhat timorous, questioned whether we +had best have our meeting or not; and whether it might not be +better for me to depart, lest they should take me and have me +before the justice, and after that send me to prison (for he knew +better than I what spirit they were of, living by them): to whom +I said, No, by no means, I will not stir, neither will I have the +meeting dismissed for this. Come, be of good cheer; let us +not be daunted; our cause is good, we need not be ashamed of it; +to preach God’s Word, is so good a work, that we shall be +well rewarded, if we suffer for that; or to this +purpose—(But as for my friend, I think he was more afraid +of me, than of himself.) After this I walked into the +close, where I somewhat seriously considering the matter, this +came into my mind, That I had showed myself hearty and courageous +in my preaching, and had, blessed be grace, made it my business +to encourage others; therefore thought I, if I should now run, +and make an escape, it will be of a very ill savour in the +country. For what will my weak and newly-converted brethren +think of it, but that I was not so strong in deed as I was in +word? Also I feared that if I should run now there was a +warrant out for me, I might by so doing make them afraid to +stand, when great words only should be spoken to them. +Besides I thought, that seeing God of His mercy should choose me +to go upon the forlorn hope in this country; that is, to be the +first, that should be opposed, for the gospel; if I should fly, +it might be a discouragement to the whole body that might follow +after. And further, I thought the world thereby would take +occasion at my cowardliness, to have blasphemed the gospel, and +to have had some ground to suspect worse of me and my profession, +than I deserved. These things with others considered by me, +I came in again to the house, with a full resolution to keep the +meeting, and not to go away, though I could have been gone about +an hour before the officer apprehended me; but I would not; for I +was resolved to see the utmost of what they could say or do unto +me. For blessed be the Lord, I knew of no evil that I had +said or done. And so, as aforesaid, I begun the +meeting. But being prevented by the constable’s +coming in with his warrant to take me, I could not proceed. +But before I went away, I spake some few words of counsel and +encouragement to the people, declaring to them, that they saw we +were prevented of our opportunity to speak and hear the Word of +God, and were like to suffer for the same; desiring them that +they would not be discouraged, for it was a mercy to suffer upon +so good account. For we might have been apprehended as +thieves or murderers, or for other wickedness; but blessed be God +it was not so, but we suffer as Christians for well doing: and we +had better be the persecuted, than the persecutors, etc. +But the constable and the justice’s man waiting on us, +would not be at quiet till they had me away and that we departed +the house. But because the justice was not at home that +day, there was a friend of mine engaged for me to bring me to the +constable on the morrow morning. Otherwise the constable +must have charged a watch with me, or have secured me some other +way, my crime was so great. So on the next morning we went +to the constable, and so to the justice. <a +name="citation187a"></a><a href="#footnote187a" +class="citation">[187a]</a> He asked the constable what we +did, where we was met together, and what we had with us? I +trow, he meant whether we had armour or not; but when the +constable told him that there were only met a few of us together +to preach and hear the Word, and no sign of anything else, he +could not well tell what to say: yet because he had sent for me, +he did adventure to put out a few proposals to me, which were to +this effect, namely, What I did there? And why I did not +content myself with following my calling? for it was against the +law, that such as I should be admitted to do as I did.</p> +<p><i>John Bunyan</i>. To which I answered, That the intent +of my coming thither, and to other places, was to instruct, and +counsel people to forsake their sins, and close in with Christ, +lest they did miserably perish; and that I could do both these +without confusion (to wit), follow my calling, and preach the +Word also.</p> +<p>At which words, he <a name="citation187b"></a><a +href="#footnote187b" class="citation">[187b]</a> was in a chafe, +as it appeared; for he said that he would break the neck of our +meetings.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I said, It may be so. Then he wished +me to get sureties to be bound for me, or else he would send me +to the jail.</p> +<p>My sureties being ready, I called them in, and when the bond +for my appearance was made, he told them, that they was bound to +keep me from preaching; and that if I did preach, their bonds +would be forfeited. To which I answered, that then I should +break them; for I should not leave speaking the Word of God: even +to counsel, comfort, exhort, and teach the people among whom I +came; and I thought this to be a work that had no hurt in it: but +was rather worthy of commendation, than blame.</p> +<p><i>Wingate</i>. Whereat he told me, that if they would +not be so bound, my mittimus must be made, and I sent to the +jail, there to lie to the quarter sessions.</p> +<p>Now while my mittimus was making, the justice was withdrawn; +and in comes an old enemy to the truth, Dr Lindale, who, when he +was come in, fell to taunting at me with many reviling terms.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> To whom I answered, that I did not come +thither to talk with him, but with the justice. Whereat he +supposed that I had nothing to say for myself, and triumphed as +if he had got the victory; charging and condemning me for +meddling with that for which I could show no warrant; and asked +me, if I had taken the oaths? and if I had not, it was pity but +that I should be sent to prison, etc.</p> +<p>I told him, that if I was minded, I could answer to any sober +question that he should put to me. He then urged me again, +how I could prove it lawful for me to preach, with a great deal +of confidence of the victory.</p> +<p>But at last, because he should see that I could answer him if +I listed, I cited to him that verse in Peter, which saith, +<i>every man hath received the gift</i>, <i>even so let him +minister the same</i>, <i>etc.</i></p> +<p><i>Lind.</i> Aye, saith he, to whom is that spoken?</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> To whom, said I, why to every man that hath +received a gift from God. Mark, saith the apostle, <i>As +every man that hath received a gift from God</i>, etc.; and +again, <i>You may all prophesy one by one</i>. Whereat the +man was a little stopt, and went a softlier pace: but not being +willing to lose the day, he began again, and said:—</p> +<p><i>Lind.</i> Indeed, I do remember that I have read of +one Alexander a coppersmith, who did much oppose, and disturb the +apostles;—(aiming it is like at me, because I was a +tinker).</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> To which I answered, that I also had read of +very many priests and pharisees, that had their hands in the +blood of our Lord Jesus Christ.</p> +<p><i>Lind.</i> Aye, saith he, and you are one of those +scribes and pharisees: for you, with a pretence, make long +prayers to devour widows’ houses.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I answered, that if he had got no more by +preaching and praying than I had done, he would not be so rich as +now he was. But that scripture coming into my mind, +<i>Answer not a fool according to his folly</i>, I was as sparing +of my speech as I could, without prejudice to truth.</p> +<p>Now by this time my mittimus was made, and I committed to the +constable, to be sent to the jail in Bedford, etc.</p> +<p>But as I was going, two of my brethren met with me by the way, +and desired the constable to stay, supposing that they should +prevail with the justice, through the favour of a pretended +friend, to let me go at liberty. So we did stay, while they +went to the justice; and after much discourse with him, it came +to this: that if I would come to him again, and say some certain +words to him, I should be released. Which when they told +me, I said if the words was such that might be said with a good +conscience, I should or else I should not. So through their +importunity went back again, but not believing that I should be +delivered: for I feared their spirit was too full of opposition +to the truth to let me go, unless I should, in something or +other, dishonour my God and wound my conscience. Wherefore, +as I went, I lifted up my heart to God, for light and strength to +be kept, that I might not do any thing that might either +dishonour Him, or wrong my own soul, or be a grief or +discouragement to any that was inclining after the Lord Jesus +Christ.</p> +<p>Well, when I came to the justice again, there was Mr +<i>Foster</i> of Bedford, who, coming out of another room, and +seeing me by the light of the candle (for it was dark night when +I went thither), he said unto me, Who is there? <i>John +Bunyan</i>? with such seeming affection, as if he would have +leaped on my neck and kissed <a name="citation191a"></a><a +href="#footnote191a" class="citation">[191a]</a> me, which made +me somewhat wonder, that such a man as he, with whom I had so +little acquaintance, and, besides, that had ever been a close +opposer of the ways of God, should carry himself so full of love +to me; but, afterwards, when I saw what he did, it caused me to +remember those sayings, <i>Their tongues are smoother than +oil</i>, <i>but their words are drawn swords</i>. And +again, <i>Beware of men</i>, <i>etc.</i> When I <a +name="citation191b"></a><a href="#footnote191b" +class="citation">[191b]</a> had answered him, that blessed be +God, I was well; he said, What is the occasion of your being +here? or to that purpose. To whom I answered, that I was at +a meeting of people a little way off, intending to speak a word +of exhortation to them; the justice hearing thereof, said I, was +pleased to send his warrant to fetch me before him, etc.</p> +<p><i>Fost.</i> So (said he), I understand: but well, if +you will promise to call the people no more together, you shall +have your liberty to go home; for my brother is very loath to +send you to prison, if you will be but ruled.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> Sir (said I), pray what do you mean by +calling the people together? my business is not anything among +them, when they are come together, but to exhort them to look +after the salvation of their souls, that they may be saved, +etc.</p> +<p><i>Fost.</i> Saith he, We must not enter into +explication, or dispute now; but if you will say you will call +the people no more together, you may have your liberty; if not, +you must be sent away to prison.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> Sir, said I, I shall not force or compel any +man to hear me; but yet, if I come into any place where there is +a people met together, I should, according to the best of my +skill and wisdom, exhort and counsel them to seek out after the +Lord Jesus Christ, for the salvation of their souls.</p> +<p><i>Fost.</i> He said, That was none of my work; I must +follow my calling; and if I would but leave off preaching, and +follow my calling, I should have the justice’s favour, and +be acquitted presently.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> To whom I said, that I could follow my +calling, and that too, namely, preaching the Word: and I did look +upon it as my duty to do them both, as I had an opportunity.</p> +<p><i>Fost.</i> He said, To have any such meetings was +against the law; and, therefore, he would have me leave off, and +say, I would call the people no more together.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> To whom I said, that I durst not make any +further promise; for my conscience would not suffer me to do +it. And again, I did look upon it as my duty to do as much +good as I could, not only in my trade, but also in communicating +to all people wheresoever I came the best knowledge I had in the +Word.</p> +<p><i>Fost.</i> He told me that I was the nearest the +Papists of any, and that he would convince me of immediately.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I asked him, Wherein?</p> +<p><i>Fost.</i> He said, In that we understood the +Scriptures literally.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I told him that those that were to be +understood literally, we understood them so; but for those that +was to be understood otherwise, we endeavoured so to understand +them.</p> +<p><i>Fost.</i> He said, Which of the Scriptures do you +understand literally?</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I said this, <i>He that believes shall be +saved</i>. This was to be understood just as it is spoken; +that whosoever believeth in Christ shall, according to the plain +and simple words of the text, be saved.</p> +<p><i>Fost.</i> He said that I was ignorant, and did not +understand the Scriptures; for how, said he, can you understand +them when you know not the original Greek? etc.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> To whom I said, that if that was his +opinion, that none could understand the Scriptures but those that +had the original Greek, etc., then but a very few of the poorest +sort should be saved (this is harsh); yet the Scripture saith, +<i>That God hides these things from the wise and prudent</i> +(that is, from the learned of the world), <i>and reveals them to +babes and sucklings</i>.</p> +<p><i>Fost.</i> He said there were none that heard me but a +company of foolish people.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I told him that there was the wise as well +as the foolish that do hear me; and again, those that were most +commonly counted foolish by the world are the wisest before God; +also, that God had rejected the wise, and mighty, and noble, and +chosen the foolish, and the base.</p> +<p><i>Fost.</i> He told me that I made people neglect their +calling; and that God had commanded people to work six days, and +serve Him on the seventh.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I told him that it was the duty of people, +(both rich and poor), to look out for their souls on them days as +well as for their bodies; and that God would have His people +exhort one another daily, while it is called to-day.</p> +<p><i>Fost.</i> He said again that there were none but a +company of poor, simple, ignorant people that come to hear +me.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I told him that the foolish and the ignorant +had most need of teaching and information; and, therefore, it +would be profitable for me to go on in that work.</p> +<p><i>Fost.</i> Well, said he, to conclude, but will you +promise that you will not call the people together any more? and +then you may be released and go home.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I told him that I durst say no more than I +had said; for I durst not leave off that work which God had +called me to.</p> +<p>So he withdrew from me, and then came several of the +justice’s servants to me, and told me that I stood so much +upon a nicety. Their master, they said, was willing to let +me go; and if I would but say I would call the people no more +together, I might have my liberty, etc.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I told them there were more ways than one in +which a man might be said to call the people together. As +for instance, if a man get upon the market-place, and there read +a book, or the like, though he do not say to the people, Sirs, +come hither and hear; yet if they come to him because he reads, +he, by his very reading, may be said to call them together; +because they would not have been there to hear if he had not been +there to read. And seeing this might be termed a calling +the people together; I durst not say, I would not call them +together; for then, by the same argument, my preaching might be +said to call them together.</p> +<p><i>Wing. and Fost.</i> Then came the justice and Mr +Foster to me again; (we had a little more discourse about +preaching, but because the method of it is out of my mind, I pass +it); and when they saw that I was at a point, and would not be +moved nor persuaded, Mr Foster, the man that did at first express +so much love to me, told the justice that then he must send me +away to prison. And that he would do well, also, if he +would present all those that were the cause of my coming among +them to meetings. Thus we parted.</p> +<p>And, verily, as I was going forth of the doors, I had much ado +to forbear saying to them that I carried the peace of God along +with me; but I held my peace, and, blessed be the Lord, went away +to prison, with God’s comfort in my poor soul.</p> +<p>After I had lain in the jail five or six days, the brethren +sought means, again, to get me out by bondsmen; (for so ran my +mittimus, that I should lie there till I could find +sureties). They went to a justice at Elstow, one Mr +Crumpton, to desire him to take bond for my appearing at the +quarter sessions. At the first he told them he would; but +afterwards he made a demur at the business, and desired first to +see my mittimus, which ran to this purpose: That I went about to +several conventicles in the county, to the great disparagement of +the government of the church of England, etc. When he had +seen it, he said that there might be something more against me +than was expressed in my mittimus; and that he was but a young +man, therefore he durst not do it. This my jailor told me; +and, whereat I was not at all daunted but rather glad, and saw +evidently that the Lord had heard me; for before I went down to +the justice, I begged of God that if I might do more good by +being at liberty than in prison, that then I might be set at +liberty; but if not, His will be done; for I was not altogether +without hopes but that my imprisonment might be an awakening to +the saints in the country, therefore I could not tell well which +to choose; only I, in that manner, did commit the thing to +God. And verily, at my return, I did meet my God sweetly in +the prison again, comforting of me and satisfying of me that it +was His will and mind that I should be there.</p> +<p>When I came back again to prison, as I was musing at the +slender answer of the justice, this word dropt in upon my heart +with some life, <i>For He knew that for envy they had delivered +Him</i>.</p> +<p>Thus have I, in short, declared the manner and occasion of my +being in prison; where I lie waiting the good will of God, to do +with me as He pleaseth; knowing that not one hair of my head can +fall to the ground without the will of my Father, which is in +heaven. Let the rage and malice of men be never so great, +they can do no more, nor go any further, than God permits them; +but when they have done their worst, We know all things shall +work together for good to them that love God.</p> +<p>Farewell.</p> + +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p><i>Here is the Sum of my Examination before Justice</i> <span +class="smcap">Keelin</span>, <i>Justice</i> <span +class="smcap">Chester</span>, <i>Justice</i> <span +class="smcap">Blundale</span>, <i>Justice</i> <span +class="smcap">Beecher</span>, <i>Justice</i> <span +class="smcap">Snagg</span>, <i>etc.</i></p> + +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p><span class="smcap">After</span> I had lain in prison above +seven weeks, the quarter-sessions were to be kept in Bedford, for +the county thereof, unto which I was to be brought; and when my +jailor had set me before those justices, there was a bill of +indictment preferred against me. The extent thereof was as +followeth: That John Bunyan, of the town of Bedford, labourer, +being a person of such and such conditions, he hath (since such a +time) devilishly and perniciously abstained from coming to church +to hear Divine service, and is a common upholder of several +unlawful meetings and conventicles, to the great disturbance and +distraction of the good subjects of this kingdom, contrary to the +laws of our sovereign lord the King, etc.</p> +<p><i>The Clerk</i>. When this was read, the clerk of the +sessions said unto me, What say you to this?</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I said, that as to the first part of it, I +was a common frequenter of the Church of God. And was also, +by grace, a member with the people, over whom Christ is the +Head.</p> +<p><i>Keelin</i>. But, saith Justice <i>Keelin</i> (who was +the judge in that court), do you come to church (you know what I +mean); to the parish church, to hear Divine service?</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I answered, No, I did not.</p> +<p><i>Keel.</i> He asked me, Why?</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I said, Because I did not find it commanded +in the Word of God.</p> +<p><i>Keel.</i> He said, We were commanded to pray.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I said, But not by the Common +Prayer-Book.</p> +<p><i>Keel.</i> He said, How then?</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I said, With the Spirit. As the +apostle saith, <i>I will pray with the Spirit</i>, <i>and with +the understanding</i>. 1 Cor. xiv. 15.</p> +<p><i>Keel.</i> He said, We might pray with the Spirit, and +with the understanding, and with the Common Prayer-Book also.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I said, that the prayers in the Common +Prayer-Book were such as was made by other men, and not by the +motions of the Holy Ghost, within our hearts; and as I said, the +apostle saith, he will pray with the Spirit, and with the +understanding; not with the Spirit and the Common +Prayer-Book.</p> +<p><i>Another Justice</i>. What do you count prayer? +Do you think it is to say a few words over before or among a +people?</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I said, No, not so; for men might have many +elegant, or excellent words, and yet not pray at all; but when a +man prayeth, he doth, through a sense of those things which he +wants (which sense is begotten by the Spirit), pour out his heart +before God through Christ; though his words be not so many and so +excellent as others are.</p> +<p><i>Justices</i>. They said, That was true.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I said, This might be done without the +Common Prayer-Book.</p> +<p><i>Another</i>. One of them said (I think it was Justice +<i>Blundale</i>, or Justice <i>Snagg</i>), How should we know +that you do not write out your prayers first, and then read them +afterwards to the people? This he spake in a laughing +way.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I said, it is not our use, to take a pen and +paper, and write a few words thereon, and then go and read it +over to a company of people.</p> +<p>But how should we know it, said he?</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> Sir, it is none of our custom, said I.</p> +<p><i>Keel.</i> But said Justice <i>Keelin</i>, It is +lawful to use the Common Prayer, and such like forms: for Christ +taught His disciples to pray, as John also taught his +disciples. And further, said he, Cannot one man teach +another to pray? Faith comes by hearing; and one man may +convince another of sin, and therefore prayers made by men, and +read over, are good to teach, and help men to pray.</p> +<p>While he was speaking these words, God brought that word into +my mind, in the eighth of the Romans, at the 26th verse. I +say, God brought it, for I thought not on it before: but as he +was speaking, it came so fresh into my mind, and was set so +evidently before me, as if the scripture had said, Take me, take +me; so when he had done speaking,</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I said, Sir, the scripture saith, that <i>it +is the spirit that helpeth our infirmities</i>; for we know not +what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh +intercession for us, with sighs and groanings which cannot be +uttered. Mark, said I, it doth not say the Common +Prayer-Book teacheth us how to pray, but the Spirit. And it +is <i>the Spirit that helpeth our infirmities</i>, saith the +apostle; he doth not say it is the Common Prayer-Book.</p> +<p>And as to the Lord’s prayer, although it be an easy +thing to say, <i>Our Father</i>, etc., with the mouth; yet there +is very few that can, in the Spirit, say the two first words in +that prayer; that is, that can call God their Father, as knowing +what it is to be born again, and as having experience, that they +are begotten of the Spirit of God: which if they do not, all is +but babbling, etc.</p> +<p><i>Keel.</i> Justice <i>Keelin</i> said that that was a +truth.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> And I say further, as to your saying that +one man may convince another of sin, and that faith comes by +hearing, and that one man may tell another how he should pray, +etc., I say men may tell each other of their sins, but it is the +Spirit that must convince them.</p> +<p>And though it be said that <i>faith comes by hearing</i>: yet +it is the Spirit that worketh faith in the heart through hearing, +or else <i>they are not profited by hearing</i>. Heb. iv. +12.</p> +<p>And that though one man may tell another how he should pray: +yet, as I said before, he cannot pray, nor make his condition +known to God, except the Spirit help. It is not the Common +Prayer-Book that can do this. It is the <i>Spirit that +showeth us our sins</i>, and the <i>Spirit that showeth us a +Saviour</i>, Jn. xvi. 16, and the Spirit that stirreth up in our +hearts desires to come to God, for such things as we stand in +need of, Matt. xi. 27, even sighing out our souls unto Him for +them with <i>groans which cannot be uttered</i>. With other +words to the same purpose. At this they were set.</p> +<p><i>Keel.</i> But says Justice <i>Keelin</i>, What have +you against the Common Prayer-Book?</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I said, Sir, if you will hear me, I shall +lay down my reasons against it.</p> +<p><i>Keel.</i> He said I should have liberty; but first, +said he, let me give you one caution; take heed of speaking +irreverently of the Common Prayer-Book; for if you do so, you +will bring great damage upon yourself.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> So I proceeded, and said, My first reason +was, because it was not commanded in the Word of God, and +therefore I could not use it.</p> +<p><i>Another</i>. One of them said, Where do you find it +commanded in the Scripture, that you should go to <i>Elstow</i>, +or <i>Bedford</i>, and yet it is lawful to go to either of them, +is it not?</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I said, To go to <i>Elstow</i>, or +<i>Bedford</i>, was a civil thing, and not material, though not +commanded, and yet God’s Word allowed me to go about my +calling, and therefore if it lay there, then to go thither, +etc. But to pray, was a great part of the Divine worship of +God, and therefore it ought to be done according to the rule of +God’s Word.</p> +<p><i>Another</i>. One of them said, He will do harm; let +him speak no further.</p> +<p><i>Keel.</i> Justice <i>Keelin</i> said, No, no, never +fear him, we are better established than so; he can do no harm; +we know the Common Prayer-Book hath been ever since the +apostles’ time, and it is lawful for it to be used in the +church.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I said, Show me the place in the epistles, +where the Common Prayer-Book is written, or one text of +Scripture, that commands me to read it, and I will use it. +But yet, notwithstanding, said I, they that have a mind to use +it, they have their liberty; that is, I would not keep them from +it; but for our parts, we can pray to God without it. +Blessed be His name!</p> +<p>With that, one of them said, Who is your God? +Beelzebub? Moreover, they often said, that I was possessed +with the spirit of delusion, and of the devil. All which +sayings I passed over; the Lord forgive them! And further, +I said, Blessed be the Lord for it; we are encouraged to meet +together, and to pray, and exhort one another; for, we have had +the comfortable presence of God among us. For ever blessed +be His holy name!</p> +<p><i>Keel.</i> Justice <i>Keelin</i> called this +pedler’s French, saying, that I must leave off my +canting. The Lord open his eyes!</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I said that we ought to exhort one another +daily, while it is called to-day, etc.</p> +<p><i>Keel.</i> Justice <i>Keelin</i> said that I ought not +to preach; and asked me where I had my authority? with other such +like words.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I said that I would prove that it was lawful +for me, and such as I am, to preach the Word of God.</p> +<p><i>Keel.</i> He said unto me, By what Scripture?</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I said, By that in the first epistle of +Peter, chap. iv. 10, 11, and Acts xviii., with other Scriptures, +which he would not suffer me to mention. But said, Hold; +not so many, which is the first?</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I said this: <i>As every man hath received +the gift</i>, <i>even so let him minister the same unto +another</i>, <i>as good stewards of the manifold grace of +God</i>. <i>If any man speak</i>, <i>let him speak as the +oracles of God</i>, <i>etc.</i></p> +<p><i>Keel.</i> He said, Let me a little open that +Scripture to you: <i>As every man hath received the gift</i>; +that is, said he, as every one hath received a trade, so let him +follow it. If any man have received a gift of tinkering, as +thou hast done, let him follow his tinkering. And so other +men their trades. And the divine his calling, etc.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> Nay, sir, said I, but it is most clear, that +the apostle speaks here of preaching the Word; if you do but +compare both the verses together, the next verse explains this +gift what it is, saying, <i>if any man speak</i>, <i>let him +speak as the oracles of God</i>. So that it is plain, that +the Holy Ghost doth not so much in this place exhort to civil +callings, as to the exercising of those gifts that we have +received from God. I would have gone on, but he would not +give me leave.</p> +<p><i>Keel.</i> He said, We might do it in our families, +but not otherways.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I said, If it was lawful to do good to some, +it was lawful to do good to more. If it was a good duty to +exhort our families, it was good to exhort others; but if they +held it a sin to meet together to seek the face of God, and +exhort one another to follow Christ, I should sin still; for so +we should do.</p> +<p><i>Keel.</i> He said he was not so well versed in +Scripture as to dispute, or words to that purpose. And +said, moreover, that they could not wait upon me any longer; but +said to me, Then you confess the indictment, do you not? +Now, and not till now, I saw I was indicted.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I said, This I confess, we have had many +meetings together, both to pray to God, and to exhort one +another, and that we had the sweet comforting presence of the +Lord among us for our encouragement; blessed be His name +therefore. I confessed myself guilty no otherwise.</p> +<p><i>Keel.</i> Then, said he, bear your judgment. +You must be had back again to prison, and there lie for three +months following; and at three months’ end, if you do not +submit to go to church to hear Divine service, and leave your +preaching, you must be banished the realm: and if, after such a +day as shall be appointed you to be gone, you shall be found in +this realm, etc., or be found to come over again without special +licence from the king, etc., you must stretch by the neck for it, +I tell you plainly: and so he bid my jailor have me away.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I told him, as to this matter, I was at a +point with him; for if I were out of prison to-day, I would +preach the Gospel again to-morrow, by the help of God.</p> +<p><i>Another</i>. To which one made me some answer: but my +jailor pulling me away to be gone, I could not tell what he +said.</p> +<p>Thus I departed from them; and I can truly say, I bless the +Lord <i>Jesus Christ</i> for it, that my heart was sweetly +refreshed in the time of my examination, and also afterwards, at +my returning to the prison. So that I found Christ’s +words more than bare trifles, where He saith, <i>I will give you +a mouth and wisdom</i>, <i>which all your adversaries shall not +be able to gainsay</i>, <i>nor resist</i>. Luke xxi. +15. And that His peace no man can take from us.</p> +<p>Thus have I given you the substance of my examination. +The Lord make this profitable to all that shall read or hear +it. Farewell.</p> + +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p><i>The Substance of some Discourse had between the Clerk of +the Peace and myself</i>; <i>when he came to admonish me</i>, +<i>according to the tenor of that Law</i>, <i>by which I was in +prison</i>.</p> + +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> I had lain in prison other +twelve weeks, and now not knowing what they intended to do with +me, upon the third of April 1661, comes Mr Cobb unto me (as he +told me), being sent by the justices to admonish me; and demand +of me submittance to the church of England, etc. The extent +of our discourse was as followeth.</p> +<p><i>Cobb</i>. When he was come into the house he sent for +me out of my chamber; who, when I was come unto him, he said, +Neighbour <i>Bunyan</i>, how do you do?</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I thank you, Sir, said I, very well, blessed +be the Lord.</p> +<p><i>Cobb</i>. Saith he, I come to tell you, that it is +desired you would submit yourself to the laws of the land, or +else at the next sessions it will go worse with you, even to be +sent away out of the nation, or else worse than that.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I said that I did desire to demean myself in +the world, both as becometh a man and a Christian.</p> +<p><i>Cobb</i>. But, saith he, you must submit to the laws +of the land, and leave off those meetings which you was wont to +have; for the statute-law is directly against it; and I am sent +to you by the justices to tell you that they do intend to +prosecute the law against you if you submit not.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I said, Sir, I conceive that that law by +which I am in prison at this time, doth not reach or condemn +either me, or the meetings which I do frequent; that law was made +against those, that being designed to do evil in their meetings, +making the exercise of religion their pretence, to cover their +wickedness. It doth not forbid the private meetings of +those that plainly and simply make it their only end to worship +the Lord, and to exhort one another to edification. My end +in meeting with others is simply to do as much good as I can, by +exhortation and counsel, according to that small measure of light +which God hath given me, and not to disturb the peace of the +nation.</p> +<p><i>Cobb</i>. Every one will say the same, said he; you +see the late insurrection <a name="citation210"></a><a +href="#footnote210" class="citation">[210]</a> at <i>London</i>, +under what glorious pretences they went; and yet, indeed, they +intended no less than the ruin of the kingdom and +commonwealth.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> That practice of theirs, I abhor, said I; +yet it doth not follow that, because they did so, therefore all +others will do so. I look upon it as my duty to behave +myself under the King’s government, both as becomes a man +and a Christian, and if an occasion were offered me, I should +willingly manifest my loyalty to my Prince, both by word and +deed.</p> +<p><i>Cobb</i>. Well, said he, I do not profess myself to +be a man that can dispute; but this I say, truly, neighbour +<i>Bunyan</i>, I would have you consider this matter seriously, +and submit yourself; you may have your liberty to exhort your +neighbour in private discourse, so be you do not call together an +assembly of people; and, truly, you may do much good to the +church of Christ, if you would go this way; and this you may do, +and the law not abridge you of it. It is your private +meetings that the law is against.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> Sir, said I, if I may do good to one by my +discourse? why may I not do good to two? And if to two, why +not to four, and so to eight? etc.</p> +<p><i>Cobb</i>. Ay, saith he, and to a hundred, I warrant +you.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> Yes, Sir, said I, I think I should not be +forbid to do as much good as I can.</p> +<p><i>Cobb</i>. But, saith he, you may but pretend to do +good, and instead, notwithstanding, do harm, by seducing the +people; you are, therefore, denied your meeting so many together, +lest you should do harm.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> And yet, said I, you say the law tolerates +me to discourse with my neighbour; surely there is no law +tolerates me seduce any one; therefore if I may by the law +discourse with one, surely it is to do him good; and if I by +discoursing may do good to one, surely, by the same law, I may do +good to many.</p> +<p><i>Cobb</i>. The law, saith he, doth expressly forbid +your private meetings; therefore they are not to be +tolerated.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I told him that I would not entertain so +much uncharitableness of that Parliament in the 35th of +<i>Elizabeth</i>, or of the Queen herself, as to think they did, +by that law, intend the oppressing of any of God’s +ordinances, or the interrupting any in way of God; but men may, +in the wresting of it, turn it against the way of God; but take +the law in itself, and it only fighteth against those that drive +at mischief in their hearts and meeting, making religion only +their cloak, colour, or pretence; for so are the words of the +statute: <i>If any meetings</i>, <i>under colour or pretence of +religion</i>, <i>etc.</i></p> +<p><i>Cobb</i>. Very good; therefore the king, seeing that +pretences are usually in and among people, so as to make religion +their pretence only; therefore he, and the law before him, doth +forbid such private meetings, and tolerates only public; you may +meet in public.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> Sir, said I, let me answer you in a +similitude: Set the case that, at such a wood corner, there did +usually come forth thieves, to do mischief; must there therefore +a law be made, that every one that cometh out there shall be +killed? May not there come out true men as well as thieves +out from thence? Just thus is it in this case; I do think +there may be many that may design the destruction of the +commonwealth; but it doth not follow therefore that all private +meetings are unlawful; those that transgress, let them be +punished. And if at any time I myself should do any act in +my conversation as doth not become a man and Christian, let me +bear the punishment. And as for your saying I may meet in +public, if I may be suffered, I would gladly do it. Let me +have but meeting enough in public, and I shall care the less to +have them in private. I do not meet in private because I am +afraid to have meetings in public. I bless the Lord that my +heart is at that point, that if any man can lay any thing to my +charge, either in doctrine or in practice, in this particular, +that can be proved error or heresy, I am willing to disown it, +even in the very market-place; but if it be truth, then to stand +to it to the last drop of my blood. And, Sir, said I, you +ought to commend me for so doing. To err and to be a +heretic are two things; I am no heretic, because I will not stand +refractorily to defend any one thing that is contrary to the +Word. Prove any thing which I hold to be an error, and I +will recant it.</p> +<p><i>Cobb</i>. But, goodman <i>Bunyan</i>, said he, +methinks you need not stand so strictly upon this one thing, as +to have meetings of such public assemblies. Cannot you +submit, and, notwithstanding, do as much good as you can, in a +neighbourly way, without having such meetings?</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> Truly, Sir, said I, I do not desire to +commend myself, but to think meanly of myself; yet when I do most +despise myself, taking notice of that small measure of light +which God hath given me, also that the people of the Lord (by +their own saying), are edified thereby. Besides, when I see +that the Lord, through grace, hath in some measure blessed my +labour, I dare not but exercise that gift which God hath given me +for the good of the people. And I said further, that I +would willingly speak in public if I might.</p> +<p><i>Cobb</i>. He said, that I might come to the public +assemblies and hear. What though you do not preach? you may +hear. Do not think yourself so well enlightened, and that +you have received a gift so far above others, but that you may +hear other men preach. Or to that purpose.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I told him, I was as willing to be taught as +to give instruction, and I looked upon it as my duty to do both; +for, said I, a man that is a teacher, he himself may learn also +from another that teacheth, as the apostle saith, <i>We may all +prophesy one by one</i>, <i>that all may learn</i>. 1 Cor. +xiv. 31. That is, every man that hath received a gift from +God, he may dispense it, that others may be comforted; and when +he hath done, he may hear and learn, and be comforted himself of +others.</p> +<p><i>Cobb</i>. But, said he, what if you should forbear +awhile, and sit still, till you see further how things will +go?</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> Sir, said I, <i>Wickliffe</i> saith, that he +which leaveth off preaching and hearing of the Word of God for +fear of excommunication of men, he is already excommunicated of +God, and shall in the day of judgment be counted a traitor to +Christ. <a name="citation214"></a><a href="#footnote214" +class="citation">[214]</a></p> +<p><i>Cobb</i>. Ay, saith he, they that do not hear shall +be so counted indeed; do you, therefore, hear?</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> But, Sir, said I, he saith, he that shall +leave off either preaching or hearing, etc. That is, if he +hath received a gift for edification, it is his sin, if he doth +not lay it out in a way of exhortation and counsel, according to +the proportion of his gift; as well as to spend his time +altogether in hearing others preach.</p> +<p><i>Cobb</i>. But, said he, how shall we know that you +have received a gift?</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> Said I, Let any man hear and search, and +prove the doctrine by the Bible.</p> +<p><i>Cobb</i>. But will you be willing, said he, that two +indifferent persons shall determine the case; and will you stand +by their judgment?</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I said, Are they infallible?</p> +<p><i>Cobb</i>. He said, No.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> Then, said I, it is possible my judgment may +be as good as theirs. But yet I will pass by either, and in +this matter be judged by the Scriptures; I am sure that is +infallible, and cannot err.</p> +<p><i>Cobb</i>. But, said he, who shall be judge between +you, for you take the Scriptures one way, and they another?</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I said the Scripture should: and that by +comparing one Scripture with another; for that will open itself, +if it be rightly compared. As for instance, if under the +different apprehensions of the word <i>Mediator</i>, you would +know the truth of it, the Scriptures open it, and tell us that he +that is a mediator must take up the business between two, and a +mediator is not a mediator of one,—<i>but God is one</i>, +<i>and there is one Mediator between God and men</i>, <i>even the +man Christ Jesus</i>. Gal. iii. 20; 1 Tim. ii. 5. So +likewise the Scripture calleth Christ a <i>complete</i>, or +perfect, or able <i>high priest</i>. That is opened in that +He is called man, and also God. His blood also is +discovered to be effectually efficacious by the same +things. So the Scripture, as touching the matter of meeting +together, etc., doth likewise sufficiently open itself and +discover its meaning.</p> +<p><i>Cobb</i>. But are you willing, said he, to stand to +the judgment of the church?</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> Yes, Sir, said I, to the approbation of the +church of God; (the church’s judgment is best expressed in +Scripture). We had much other discourse which I cannot well +remember, about the laws of the nation, and submission to +governments; to which I did tell him, that I did look upon myself +as bound in conscience to walk according to all righteous laws, +and that, whether there was a king or no; and if I did any thing +that was contrary, I did hold it my duty to bear patiently the +penalty of the law, that was provided against such offenders; +with many more words to the like effect. And said, +moreover, that to cut off all occasions of suspicion from any, as +touching the harmlessness of my doctrine in private, I would +willingly take the pains to give any one the notes of all my +sermons; for I do sincerely desire to live quietly in my country, +and to submit to the present authority.</p> +<p><i>Cobb</i>. Well, neighbour <i>Bunyan</i>, said he, but +indeed I would wish you seriously to consider of these things, +between this and the quarter-sessions, and to submit +yourself. You may do much good if you continue still in the +land; but alas, what benefit will it be to your friends, or what +good can you do to them, if you should be sent away beyond the +seas into <i>Spain</i>, or <i>Constantinople</i>, or some other +remote part of the world? Pray be ruled.</p> +<p><i>Jailor</i>. Indeed, Sir, I hope he will be ruled.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I shall desire, said I, in all honesty to +behave myself in the nation, whilst I am in it. And if I +must be so dealt withal, as you say, I hope God will help me to +bear what they shall lay upon me. I know no evil that I +have done in this matter, to be so used. I speak as in the +presence of God.</p> +<p><i>Cobb</i>. You know, saith he, that the Scripture +saith, <i>the powers that be</i>, <i>are ordained of God</i>.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I said, Yes, and that I was to submit to the +King as supreme, and also to the governors, as to them who are +sent by Him.</p> +<p><i>Cobb</i>. Well then, said he, the King then commands +you, that you should not have any private meetings; because it is +against his law, and he is ordained of God, therefore you should +not have any.</p> +<p><i>Bun.</i> I told him that <i>Paul</i> did own the +powers that were in his day, to be of God; and yet he was often +in prison under them for all that. And also, though +<i>Jesus Christ</i> told <i>Pilate</i>, that He had no power +against him, but of God, yet He died under the same +<i>Pilate</i>; and yet, said I, I hope you will not say that +either <i>Paul</i>, or Christ, were such as did deny magistracy, +and so sinned against God in slighting the ordinance. Sir, +said I, the law hath provided two ways of obeying: the one to do +that which I, in my conscience, do believe that I am bound to do, +actively; and where I cannot obey actively, there I am willing to +lie down, and to suffer what they shall do unto me. At this +he sat still, and said no more; which when he had done, I did +thank him for his civil and meek discoursing with me; and so we +parted.</p> +<p>O! that we might meet in heaven!</p> +<p style="text-align: right">Farewell. J. B.</p> + +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p><i>Here followeth a discourse between my Wife and the +Judges</i>, <i>with others</i>, <i>touching my Deliverance at the +Assizes following</i>; <i>the which I took from her own +Mouth</i>.</p> + +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p><span class="smcap">After</span> that I had received this +sentence of banishing, or hanging, from them, and after the +former admonition, touching the determination of the justices if +I did not recant; just when the time drew nigh, in which I should +have abjured, or have done worse (as Mr Cobb told me), came the +time in which the King was to be crowned. <a +name="citation219"></a><a href="#footnote219" +class="citation">[219]</a> Now, at the coronation of kings, +there is usually a releasement of divers prisoners, by virtue of +his coronation; in which privilege also I should have had my +share; but that they took me for a convicted person, and +therefore, unless I sued out a pardon (as they called it), I +could have no benefit thereby, notwithstanding, yet, forasmuch as +the coronation proclamation did give liberty, from the day the +King was crowned, to that day twelvemonth, to sue them out; +therefore, though they would not let me out of prison, as they +let out thousands, yet they could not meddle with me, as touching +the execution of their sentence; because of the liberty offered +for the suing out of pardons. Whereupon I continued in +prison till the next assizes, which are called <i>Midsummer +assizes</i>, being then kept in <i>August</i>, 1661.</p> +<p>Now, at that assizes, because I would not leave any possible +means unattempted that might be lawful, I did, by my wife, +present a petition to the judges three times, that I might be +heard, and that they would impartially take my case into +consideration.</p> +<p>The first time my wife went, she presented it to Judge +<i>Hale</i>, who very mildly received it at her hand, telling her +that he would do her and me the best good he could; but he +feared, he said, he could do none. The next day, again, +lest they should, through the multitude of business, forget me, +we did throw another petition into the coach to Judge +<i>Twisdon</i>; who, when he had seen it, snapt her up, and +angrily told her that I was a convicted person, and could not be +released, unless I would promise to preach no more, etc.</p> +<p>Well, after this, she yet again presented another to judge +Hale, as he sat on the bench, who, as it seemed, was willing to +give her audience. Only Justice <i>Chester</i> being +present, stept up and said, that I was convicted in the court, +and that I was a hot-spirited fellow (or words to that purpose), +whereat he waived it, and did not meddle therewith. But +yet, my wife being encouraged by the high-sheriff, did venture +once more into their presence (as the poor widow did before the +unjust judge) to try what she could do with them for my liberty, +before they went forth of the town. The place where she +went to them, was to the <i>Swan-chamber</i>, where the two +judges, and many justices and gentry of the country, was in +company together. She then coming into the chamber with a +bashed face, and a trembling heart, began her errand to them in +this manner:—</p> +<p style="text-align: center"> +<a href="images/p221b.jpg"> +<img alt= +"Bunyan’s Wife pleading with the Judges" +title= +"Bunyan’s Wife pleading with the Judges" +src="images/p221s.jpg" /> +</a></p> +<p><i>Woman</i>. My lord (directing herself to judge Hale), +I make bold to come once again to your Lordship, to know what may +be done with my husband.</p> +<p><i>Judge Hale</i>. To whom he said, Woman, I told thee +before I could do thee no good; because they have taken that for +a conviction which thy husband spoke at the sessions: and unless +there be something done to undo that, I can do thee no good.</p> +<p><i>Woman</i>. My lord, said she, he is kept unlawfully +in prison; they clapped him up before there was any proclamation +against the meetings; the indictment also is false. +Besides, they never asked him whether he was guilty or no; +neither did he confess the indictment.</p> +<p><i>One of the Justices</i>. Then one of the justices +that stood by, whom she knew not, said, My Lord, he was lawfully +convicted.</p> +<p><i>Wom.</i> It is false, said she; for when they said to +him, Do you confess the indictment? he said only this, that he +had been at several meetings, both where there were preaching the +Word, and prayer, and that they had God’s presence among +them.</p> +<p><i>Judge Twisdon</i>. Whereat Judge <i>Twisdon</i> +answered very angrily, saying, What, you think we can do what we +list; your husband is a breaker of the peace, and is convicted by +the law, etc. Whereupon Judge <i>Hale</i> called for the +Statute Book.</p> +<p><i>Wom.</i> But, said she, my lord, he was not lawfully +convicted.</p> +<p><i>Chester</i>. Then Justice <i>Chester</i> said, My +lord, he was lawfully convicted.</p> +<p><i>Wom.</i> It is false, said she; it was but a word of +discourse that they took for a conviction (as you heard +before).</p> +<p><i>Chest.</i> But it is recorded, woman; it is recorded, +said Justice <i>Chester</i>; as if it must be of necessity true, +because it was recorded. With which words he often +endeavoured to stop her mouth, having no other argument to +convince her, but it is recorded, it is recorded.</p> +<p><i>Wom.</i> My Lord, said she, I was a while since at +<i>London</i>, to see if I could get my husband’s liberty; +and there I spoke with my lord <i>Barkwood</i>, one of the House +of Lords, to whom I delivered a petition, who took it of me and +presented it to some of the rest of the House of Lords, for my +husband’s releasement; who, when they had seen it, they +said, that they could not release him, but had committed his +releasement to the judges, at the next assizes. This he +told me; and now I am come to you to see if any thing may be done +in this business, and you give neither releasement nor +relief. To which they gave her no answer, but made as if +they heard her not.</p> +<p><i>Chest.</i> Only Justice <i>Chester</i> was often up +with this,—He is convicted, and it is recorded.</p> +<p><i>Wom.</i> If it be, it is false, said she.</p> +<p><i>Chest.</i> My lord, said Justice <i>Chester</i>, he +is a pestilent fellow, there is not such a fellow in the country +again.</p> +<p><i>Twis.</i> What, will your husband leave +preaching? If he will do so, then send for him.</p> +<p><i>Wom.</i> My lord, said she, he dares not leave +preaching as long as he can speak.</p> +<p><i>Twis.</i> See here, what should we talk any more +about such a fellow? Must he do what he lists? He is +a breaker of the peace.</p> +<p><i>Wom.</i> She told him again, that he desired to live +peaceably, and to follow his calling, that his family might be +maintained; and moreover, said, My Lord, I have four small +children, that cannot help themselves, one of which is blind, and +have nothing to live upon, but the charity of good people.</p> +<p><i>Hale</i>. Hast thou four children? said Judge Hale; +thou art but a young woman to have four children.</p> +<p><i>Wom.</i> My lord, said she, I am but mother-in-law to +them, having not been married to him yet full two years. +Indeed, I was with child when my husband was first apprehended; +but being young, and unaccustomed to such things, said she, I +being smayed <a name="citation224"></a><a href="#footnote224" +class="citation">[224]</a> at the news, fell into labour, and so +continued for eight days, and then was delivered, but my child +died.</p> +<p><i>Hale</i>. Whereat, he looking very soberly on the +matter, said, Alas, poor woman!</p> +<p><i>Twis.</i> But Judge <i>Twisdon</i> told her, that she +made poverty her cloak; and said, moreover, that he understood I +was maintained better by running up and down a preaching, than by +following my calling.</p> +<p><i>Hale</i>. What is his calling? said Judge Hale.</p> +<p><i>Answer</i>. Then some of the company that stood by, +said, A tinker, my lord.</p> +<p><i>Wom.</i> Yes, said she; and because he is a tinker, +and a poor man, therefore he is despised, and cannot have +justice.</p> +<p><i>Hale</i>. Then Judge <i>Hale</i> answered very +mildly, saying, I tell thee, woman, seeing it is so, that they +have taken what thy husband spake for a conviction; thou must +either apply thyself to the King, or sue out his pardon, or get a +writ of error.</p> +<p><i>Chest.</i> But when Justice <i>Chester</i> heard him +give her this counsel; and especially (as she supposed) because +he spoke of a writ of error, he chafed, and seemed to be very +much offended; saying, My lord, he will preach and do what he +lists.</p> +<p><i>Wom.</i> He preacheth nothing but the Word of God, +said she.</p> +<p><i>Twis.</i> He preach the Word of God! said Twisdon; +and withal, she thought he would have struck her; he runneth up +and down, and doth harm.</p> +<p><i>Wom.</i> No, my lord, said she, it is not so; God +hath owned him, and done much good by him.</p> +<p><i>Twis.</i> God! said he, his doctrine is the doctrine +of the devil.</p> +<p><i>Wom.</i> My lord, said she, when the righteous Judge +shall appear, it will be known that his doctrine is not the +doctrine of the devil.</p> +<p><i>Twis.</i> My lord, said he, to Judge Hale, do not +mind her, but send her away.</p> +<p><i>Hale</i>. Then said Judge Hale, I am sorry, woman, +that I can do thee no good; thou must do one of those three +things aforesaid, namely, either to apply thyself to the King, or +sue out his pardon, or get a writ of error; but a writ of error +will be cheapest.</p> +<p><i>Wom.</i> At which Chester again seemed to be in a +chafe, and put off his hat, and as she thought, scratched his +head for anger: but when I saw, said she, that there was no +prevailing to have my husband sent for, though I often desired +them that they would send for him, that he might speak for +himself; telling them, that he could give them better +satisfaction than I could, in what they demanded of him, with +several other things, which now I forget; only this I remember, +that though I was somewhat timorous at my first entrance into the +chamber, yet before I went out, I could not but break forth into +tears, not so much because they were so hard-hearted against me, +and my husband, but to think what a sad account such poor +creatures will have to give at the coming of the Lord, when they +shall there answer for all things whatsoever they have done in +the body, whether it be good, or whether it be bad.</p> +<p>So, when I departed from them, the book of statutes was +brought, but what they said of it I know nothing at all, neither +did I hear any more from them.</p> + +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p><i>Some Carriages of the Adversaries of God’s Truth with +me at the next Assizes</i>, <i>which was on the</i> 19<i>th</i> +<i>of the first month</i>, 1662.</p> + +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p>I <span class="smcap">shall</span> pass by what befell between +these two assizes, how I had, by my jailor, some liberty granted +me, more than at the first, and how I followed my wonted course +of preaching, taking all occasions that were put into my hand to +visit the people of God; exhorting them to be steadfast in the +faith of Jesus Christ, and to take heed that they touched not the +Common Prayer, etc., but to mind the Word of God, which giveth +direction to Christians in every point, being able to make the +man of God perfect in all things through faith in Jesus Christ, +and thoroughly to furnish him unto all good works. 2 Tim. +iii. 17. Also how I having, I say, somewhat more liberty, +did go to see the Christians at <i>London</i>; which my enemies +hearing of, were so angry, that they had almost cast my jailor +out of his place, threatening to indict him, and to do what they +could against him. They charged me also, that I went +thither to plot and raise division, and make insurrection, which, +God knows, was a slander; whereupon my liberty was more +straitened than it was before; so that I must not now look out of +the door. Well, when the next sessions came, which was +about the 10th of the 11th month (1661), I did expect to have +been very roundly dealt withal; but they passed me by, and would +not call me, so that I rested till the assizes, which was held +the 19th of the first month (1662) following; and when they came, +because I had a desire to come before the judge, I desired my +jailor to put my name into the calendar among the felons, and +made friends of the judge and high-sheriff, who promised that I +should be called: so that I thought what I had done might have +been effectual for the obtaining of my desire: but all was in +vain; for when the assizes came, though my name was in the +calendar, and also though both the judge and sheriff had promised +that I should appear before them, yet the justices and the clerk +of the peace, did so work it about, that I, notwithstanding, was +deferred, and was not suffered to appear: and although I say, I +do not know of all their carriages towards me, yet this I know, +that the clerk of the peace (Mr Cobb) did discover himself to be +one of my greatest opposers: for, first he came to my jailor and +told him that I must not go down before the judge, and therefore +must not be put into the calendar; to whom my jailor said, that +my name was in already. He bid him put it out again; my +jailor told him that he could not: for he had given the judge a +calendar with my name in it, and also the sheriff another. +At which he was very much displeased, and desired to see that +calendar that was yet in my jailor’s hand, who, when he had +given it him, he looked on it, and said it was a false calendar; +he also took the calendar and blotted out my accusation, as my +jailor had written it (which accusation I cannot tell what it +was, because it was so blotted out), and he himself put in words +to this purpose: That John Bunyan was committed to prison; being +lawfully convicted for upholding of unlawful meetings and +conventicles, etc. But yet <a name="page229"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 229</span>for all this, fearing that what he +had done, unless he added thereto, it would not do, he first ran +to the clerk of the assizes; then to the justices, and +afterwards, because he would not leave any means unattempted to +hinder me, he came again to my jailor, and told him, that if I +did go down before the judge, and was released, he would make him +pay my fees, which he said was due to him; and further, told him, +that he would complain of him at the next quarter sessions for +making of false calendars, though my jailor himself, as I +afterwards learned, had put in my accusation worse than in itself +it was by far. And thus was I hindered and prevented at +that time also from appearing before the judge: and left in +prison.</p> +<p>Farewell.</p> +<p style="text-align: right"><span class="smcap">John +Bunyan</span>.</p> +<h2><i>A Continuation of</i> Mr <span +class="smcap">Bunyan’s Life</span>; <i>beginning where he +left off</i>, <i>and concluding with the Time and Manner of his +Death and Burial</i>: <i>together with his true Character</i>, +<i>etc.</i></h2> +<p><span class="smcap">Reader</span>, the painful and industrious +author of this book, has already given you a faithful and very +moving relation of the beginning and middle of the days of his +pilgrimage on earth; and since there yet remains somewhat worthy +of notice and regard, which occurred in the last scene of his +life, the which, for want of time, or fear, some over-censorious +people should impute it to him as an earnest coveting of praise +from men, he has not left behind him in writing. Wherefore, +as a true friend, and long acquaintance of Mr +<i>Bunyan’s</i> that his good end may be known, as well as +his evil beginning, I have taken upon me, from my knowledge, and +the best account given by other of his friends, to piece this to +the thread too soon broke off, and so lengthen it out to his +entering upon eternity.</p> +<p>He has told you at large, of his birth and education; the evil +habits and corruptions of his youth; the temptations he struggled +and conflicted so frequently with, the mercies, comforts, and +deliverances he found, how he came to take upon him the preaching +of the Gospel; the slanders, reproaches and imprisonments that +attended him, and the progress he notwithstanding made (by the +assistance of God’s grace) no doubt to the saving of many +souls: therefore take these things, as he himself hath +methodically laid them down in the words of verity; and so I pass +on to what remains.</p> +<p>After his being freed from his twelve years’ +imprisonment and upwards, for nonconformity, wherein he had time +to furnish the world with sundry good books, etc., and by his +patience, to move <i>Dr Barlow</i>, the then Bishop of +<i>Lincoln</i>, and other church-men, to pity his hard and +unreasonable sufferings, so far as to stand very much his +friends, in procuring his enlargement, or there perhaps he had +died, by the noisomeness and ill usage of the place. Being +now, I say, again at liberty, and having through mercy shaken off +his bodily fetters,—for those upon his soul were broken +before by the abounding grace that filled his heart,—he +went to visit those that had been a comfort to him in his +tribulation, with a Christian-like acknowledgment of their +kindness and enlargement of charity; giving encouragement by his +example, if it happened to be their hard haps to fall into +affliction or trouble, then to suffer patiently for the sake of a +good conscience, and for the love of God in Jesus Christ towards +their souls, and by many cordial persuasions, supported some +whose spirits began to sink low, through the fear of danger that +threatened their worldly concernment, so that the people found a +wonderful consolation in his discourse and admonitions.</p> +<p>As often as opportunity would admit, he gathered them together +(though the law was then in force against meetings) in convenient +places, and fed them with the sincere milk of the Word, that they +might grow up in grace thereby. To such as were anywhere +taken and imprisoned upon these accounts, he made it another part +of his business to extend his charity, and gather relief for such +of them as wanted.</p> +<p>He took great care to visit the sick, and strengthen them +against the suggestions of the tempter, which at such times are +very prevalent; so that they had cause for ever to bless God, Who +had put it into his heart, at such a time, to rescue them from +the power of the roaring lion, who sought to devour them; nor did +he spare any pains or labour in travel, though to remote +counties, where he knew or imagined any people might stand in +need of his assistance; insomuch that some, by these visitations +that he made, which was two or three every year (some, though in +a jeering manner no doubt, gave him the epithet of Bishop +<i>Bunyan</i>) whilst others envied him for his so earnestly +labouring in Christ’s vineyard; yet the seed of the Word he +(all this while) sowed in the hearts of his congregation, watered +with the grace of God, brought forth in abundance, in bringing in +disciples to the church of Christ.</p> +<p>Another part of his time is spent in reconciling differences, +by which he hindered many mischiefs, and saved some families from +ruin, and in such fallings-out he was uneasy, till he found a +means to labour a reconciliation, and become a peace-maker, on +whom a blessing is promised in holy writ; and indeed in doing +this good office, he may be said to sum up his days, it being the +last undertaking of his life, as will appear in the close of this +paper.</p> +<p>When in the late reign, liberty of conscience was unexpectedly +given and indulged to dissenters of all persuasions, his piercing +wit penetrated the veil, and found that it was not for the +dissenters’ sakes they were so suddenly freed from the hard +prosecutions that had long lain heavy upon them, and set in a +manner, on an equal foot with the Church of <i>England</i>, which +the papists were undermining, and about to subvert: he foresaw +all the advantages that could have redounded to the dissenters +would have been no more than what <i>Polyphemus</i>, the +monstrous giant of <i>Sicily</i>, would have allowed +<i>Ulysses</i>, <i>viz.</i>: That he would eat his men first, and +do him the favour of being eaten last: for although Mr +<i>Bunyan</i>, following the examples of others, did lay hold of +this liberty, as an acceptable thing in itself, knowing God is +the only Lord of conscience, and that it is good at all times to +do according to the dictates of a good conscience, and that the +preaching the glad tidings of the Gospel is beautiful in the +preacher; yet in all this he moved with caution and a holy fear, +earnestly praying for the averting impending judgments, which he +saw, like a black tempest, hanging over our heads for our sins, +and ready to break in upon us, and that the +<i>Ninevites’</i> remedy was now highly necessary: hereupon +he gathered his congregation at <i>Bedford</i>, where he mostly +lived, and had lived and spent the greatest part of his life; and +there being no convenient place to be had for the entertainment +of so great a confluence of people as followed him upon the +account of his teaching, he consulted with them for the building +of a meeting-house, to which they made their voluntary +contributions with all cheerfulness and alacrity; and the first +time he appeared there to edify, the place was so thronged, that +many was constrained to stay without, though the house was very +spacious, every one striving to partake of his instructions, that +were of his persuasion, and show their good-will towards him, by +being present at the opening of the place; and here he lived in +much peace and quiet of mind, contenting himself with that little +God had bestowed upon him, and sequestering himself from all +secular employments, to follow that of his call to the ministry; +for as God said to <i>Moses</i>, He that made the lips and heart, +can give eloquence and wisdom, without extraordinary acquirements +in an university.</p> +<p>During these things, there were regulators sent into all +cities and towns corporate, to new model the government in the +magistracy, etc., by turning out some, and putting in others: +against this Mr <i>Bunyan</i> expressed his zeal with some +weariness, as foreseeing the bad consequence that would attend +it, and laboured with his congregation to prevent their being +imposed on in this kind; and when a great man in those days, +coming to <i>Bedford</i> upon some such errand, sent for him, as +’tis supposed, to give him a place of public trust, he +would by no means come at him, but sent his excuse.</p> +<p>When he was at leisure from writing and teaching, he often +came up to <i>London</i>, and there went among the congregations +of the non-conformists, and used his talent to the great +good-liking of the hearers; and even some to whom he had been +mis-represented, upon the account of his education, were +convinced of his worth and knowledge in sacred things, as +perceiving him to be a man of round judgment, delivering himself +plainly and powerfully; insomuch that many, who came mere +spectators for novelty sake rather than to edify and be improved, +went away well satisfied with what they heard, and wondered, as +the Jews did at the Apostles, <i>viz.</i>: Whence this man should +have these things; perhaps not considering that God more +immediately assists those that make it their business +industriously and cheerfully to labour in His vineyard.</p> +<p>Thus he spent his latter years in imitation of his great Lord +and Master, the ever-blessed Jesus; he went about doing good, so +that the most prying critic, or even Malice herself, is defied to +find, even upon the narrowest search or observation, any sully or +stain upon his reputation, with which he may be justly charged; +and this we note, as a challenge to those that have the least +regard for him, or them of his persuasion, and have one way or +other appeared in the front of those that oppressed him; and for +the turning whose hearts, in obedience to the commission and +commandment given him of God, he frequently prayed, and sometimes +sought a blessing for them, even with tears, the effects of +which, they may, peradventure, though undeservedly, have found in +their persons, friends, relations, or estates; for God will hear +the prayer of the faithful, and answer them, even for them that +vex them, as it happened in the case of <i>Job’s</i> +praying for the three persons that had been grievous in their +reproach against him, even in the day of his sorrow.</p> +<p>But yet let me come a little nearer to particulars and periods +of time, for the better refreshing the memories of those that +knew his labour and suffering, and for the satisfaction of all +that shall read this book.</p> +<p>After he was sensibly convicted of the wicked state of his +life, and converted, he was baptized into the congregation, and +admitted a member thereof, <i>viz.</i>, in the year 1655, and +became speedily a very zealous professor; but upon the return of +King <i>Charles</i> to the crown in 1660, he was the 12th of +<i>November</i> taken, as he was edifying some good people that +were got together to hear the word, and confined in +<i>Bedford</i> jail for the space of six years, till the act of +Indulgence to dissenters being allowed, he obtained his freedom, +by the intercession of some in trust and power, that took pity on +his sufferings; but within six years afterwards he was again +taken up, <i>viz.</i>, in the year 1666, and was then confined +for six years more, when even the jailor took such pity of his +rigorous sufferings, that he did as the Egyptian jailor did to +<i>Joseph</i>, put all the care and trust in his hand: When he +was taken this last time, he was preaching on these words, viz.: +<i>Dost thou believe the Son of God</i>? And this +imprisonment continued six years, and when this was over, another +short affliction, which was an imprisonment of half a year, fell +to his share. During these confinements he wrote the +following books, viz.: <i>Of Prayer by the Spirit</i>: <i>The +Holy City’s Resurrection</i>: <i>Grace Abounding</i>: +<i>Pilgrim’s Progress</i>, the first part.</p> +<p>In the last year of his twelve years’ imprisonment, the +pastor of the congregation at <i>Bedford</i> died, and he was +chosen to that care of souls, on the 12th of <i>December</i> +1671. And in this his charge, he often had disputes with +scholars that came to oppose him, as supposing him an ignorant +person, and though he argued plainly, and by Scripture, without +phrases and logical expressions, yet he nonplussed one who came +to oppose him in his congregation, by demanding, Whether or no we +had the true copies of the original Scriptures; and another, when +he was preaching, accused him of uncharitableness, for saying, +<i>It was very hard for most to be saved</i>; saying, by that he +went about to exclude most of his congregation; but he confuted +him, and put him to silence with the parable of the stony ground, +and other texts out of the 13th chapter of <i>St Matthew</i>, in +our Saviour’s sermon out of a ship; all his methods being +to keep close to the Scriptures, and what he found not warranted +there, himself would not warrant nor determine, unless in such +cases as were plain, wherein no doubts or scruples did arise.</p> +<p>But not to make any further mention of this kind, it is well +known that this person managed all his affairs with such +exactness, as if he had made it his study, above all other +things, not to give occasion of offence, but rather suffer many +inconveniences, to avoid being never heard to reproach or revile +any, what injury soever he received, but rather to rebuke those +that did; and as it was in his conversation, so it is manifested +in those books he has caused to be published to the world; where +like the archangel disputing with Satan about the body of +<i>Moses</i>, as we find it in the epistle of <i>St Jude</i>, +brings no railing accusation (but leaves the rebukers, those that +persecuted him) to the Lord.</p> +<p>In his family he kept up a very strict discipline in prayer +and exhortation; being in this like <i>Joshua</i>, as the good +man expresses it, viz., <i>Whatsoever others did</i>, <i>as for +me and my house</i>, <i>we will serve the Lord</i>: and indeed a +blessing waited on his labours and endeavours, so that his wife, +as the Psalmist says, <i>was like a pleasant vine upon the walls +of his house</i>, <i>and his children like olive branches round +his table</i>; <i>for so shall it be with the man that fears the +Lord</i>, and though by reason of the many losses he sustained by +imprisonment and spoil, of his chargeable sickness, etc., his +earthly treasure swelled not to excess; he always had sufficient +to live decently and creditably, and with that he had the +greatest of all treasures, which is content; for as the wise man +says, <i>That is a continual feast</i>.</p> +<p>But where content dwells, even a poor cottage is a kingly +palace, and this happiness he had all his life long; not so much +minding this world, as knowing he was here as a pilgrim and +stranger, and had no tarrying city, but looked for one made with +hands eternal in the highest heavens: but at length was worn out +with sufferings, age, and often teaching, the day of his +dissolution drew near, and death, that unlocks the prison of the +soul, to enlarge it for a more glorious mansion, put a stop to +his acting his part on the stage of mortality; heaven, like +earthly princes, when it threatens war, being always so kind as +to call home its ambassadors before it be denounced, and even the +last act or undertaking of his, was a labour of love and charity; +for it so falling out that a young gentleman, a neighbour of Mr +<i>Bunyan’s</i>, happening into the displeasure of his +father, and being much troubled in mind upon that account, and +also for that he heard his father purposed to disinherit him, or +otherwise deprive him of what he had to leave; he pitched upon Mr +<i>Bunyan</i> as a fit man to make way for his submission, and +prepare his father’s mind to receive him; and he, as +willing to do any good office, as it could be requested, as +readily undertook it; and so riding to <i>Reading</i> in +<i>Berkshire</i>, he then there used such pressing arguments and +reasons against anger and passion, as also for love and +reconciliation, that the father was mollified, and his bowels +yearned to his returning son.</p> +<p>But Mr <i>Bunyan</i>, after he had disposed all things to the +best for accommodation, returning to <i>London</i>, and being +overtaken with excessive rains, coming to his lodgings extremely +wet, fell sick of a violent fever, which he bore with much +constancy and patience, and expressed himself as if he desired +nothing more than to be dissolved, and be with Christ, in that +case esteeming death as gain, and life only a tedious delaying +felicity expected; and finding his vital strength decay, having +settled his mind and affairs, as well as the shortness of time, +and the violence of his disease would permit, with a constant and +christian patience, he resigned his soul into the hands of his +most merciful Redeemer, following his pilgrim from the City of +Destruction, to the New <i>Jerusalem</i>; his better part having +been all along <a name="page241"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +241</span>there, in holy contemplation, pantings and breathings +after the hidden manna and water of life, as by many holy and +humble consolations expressed in his letters to several persons +in prison, and out of prison, too many to be inserted at +present. He died at the house of one Mr <i>Struddock</i>, a +grocer, at the Star on <i>Snow Hill</i>, in the parish of <i>St +Sepulchre’s</i>, <i>London</i>, on the 12th of +<i>August</i> 1688, and in the sixtieth year of his age, <a +name="citation241"></a><a href="#footnote241" +class="citation">[241]</a> after ten days’ sickness; and +was buried in the new burying place near the Artillery Ground; +where he sleeps to the morning of the resurrection, in hopes of a +glorious rising to an incorruptible immortality of joy and +happiness; where no more trouble and sorrow shall afflict him, +but all tears be wiped away; when the just shall be incorporated +as members of Christ their head, and reign with Him as kings and +priests for ever.</p> +<h2><i>A brief Character of Mr</i> <span class="smcap">John +Bunyan</span></h2> +<p><span class="smcap">He</span> appeared in countenance to be of +a stern and rough temper, but in his conversation mild and +affable; not given to loquacity or much discourse in company, +unless some urgent occasion required it; observing never to boast +of himself or his parts, but rather seem low in his own eyes, and +submit himself to the judgment of others, abhorring lying and +swearing, being just in all that lay in his power to his word, +not seeming to revenge injuries, loving to reconcile differences, +and make friendship with all; he had a sharp quick eye, +accompanied with an excellent discerning of persons, being of +good judgment and quick wit. As for his person, he was tall +of stature, strong boned, though not corpulent, somewhat of a +ruddy face, with sparkling eyes, wearing his hair on his upper +lip, after the old British fashion; his hair reddish, but in his +latter days, time had sprinkled it with grey; his nose well set, +but not declining or bending, and his mouth moderate large; his +forehead somewhat high, and his habit always plain and +modest. And thus have we impartially described the internal +and external parts of a person, whose death hath been much +regretted; a person who had tried the smiles and frowns of time; +not puffed up in prosperity, nor shaken in adversity; always +holding the golden mean.</p> +<blockquote><p>In him at once did three great worthies shine,<br +/> +Historian, poet, and a choice divine:<br /> +Then let him rest in undisturbed dust,<br /> +Until the resurrection of the just.</p> +</blockquote> +<h2><a name="page243"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +243</span>POSTSCRIPT</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> this his pilgrimage, God blessed +him with four children, one of which, named <i>Mary</i>, was +blind, and died some years before; his other children were +<i>Thomas</i>, <i>Joseph</i>, and <i>Sarah</i>; his wife +<i>Elizabeth</i> having lived to see him overcome his labour and +sorrow, and pass from this life to receive the reward of his +work, long survived him not; but in 1692 she died, to follow her +faithful pilgrim from this world to the other, whither he was +gone before her; whilst his works, which consist of sixty books, +remain for the edifying of the reader, and praise of the +author.</p> +<p style="text-align: right"><i>Vale</i>.</p> + +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p style="text-align: center"><span +class="GutSmall">FINIS</span></p> + +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<h2>FOOTNOTES</h2> +<p><a name="footnote7"></a><a href="#citation7" +class="footnote">[7]</a> The marginal summaries have not +been included in this Project Gutenberg eText.—DP.</p> +<p><a name="footnote184"></a><a href="#citation184" +class="footnote">[184]</a> The text from which he intended +to preach was, <i>Doth thou believe on the Son of God</i>? +Jn. ix. 35. See Preface to his <i>Confession of +Faith</i>.</p> +<p><a name="footnote187a"></a><a href="#citation187a" +class="footnote">[187a]</a> Justice Wingate.</p> +<p><a name="footnote187b"></a><a href="#citation187b" +class="footnote">[187b]</a> <i>Ibid.</i></p> +<p><a name="footnote191a"></a><a href="#citation191a" +class="footnote">[191a]</a> A right Judas.</p> +<p><a name="footnote191b"></a><a href="#citation191b" +class="footnote">[191b]</a> Bunyan.</p> +<p><a name="footnote210"></a><a href="#citation210" +class="footnote">[210]</a> The Venner insurrection is here +referred to.</p> +<p><a name="footnote214"></a><a href="#citation214" +class="footnote">[214]</a> Bunyan here refers to a +translation of Wickliffe’s doctrine in John Foxe’s +<i>Martyrology</i>, a favourite book of his.</p> +<p><a name="footnote219"></a><a href="#citation219" +class="footnote">[219]</a> April 23, 1661.</p> +<p><a name="footnote224"></a><a href="#citation224" +class="footnote">[224]</a> ‘Smayed,’ an +obsolete contraction of ‘dismayed,’</p> +<p><a name="footnote241"></a><a href="#citation241" +class="footnote">[241]</a> It is an established fact that +John Bunyan died on Friday, August 31, 1688. 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