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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners, by
+John Bunyan, Illustrated by Harold Copping
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners
+
+
+Author: John Bunyan
+
+
+
+Release Date: February 19, 2013  [eBook #654]
+[This file was first posted on October 22, 1996]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF
+SINNERS***
+
+
+Transcribed from the 1905 The Religious Tract Society edition by David
+Price, email ccx074@pglaf.org
+
+                          [Picture: Book cover]
+
+
+
+
+
+                 GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS
+
+
+                         IN A FAITHFUL ACCOUNT OF
+                    THE LIFE AND DEATH OF JOHN BUNYAN
+                                    OR
+                    A BRIEF RELATION OF THE EXCEEDING
+                      MERCY OF GOD IN CHRIST TO HIM
+                                  NAMELY
+
+                IN HIS TAKING HIM OUT OF THE DUNGHILL, AND
+           CONVERTING HIM TO THE FAITH OF HIS BLESSED SON JESUS
+             CHRIST.  HERE IS ALSO PARTICULARLY SHEWED, WHAT
+             SIGHT OF, AND WHAT TROUBLES HE HAD FOR SIN; AND
+             ALSO, WHAT VARIOUS TEMPTATIONS HE HATH MET WITH,
+                AND HOW GOD HATH CARRIED HIM THROUGH THEM.
+
+                _THOROUGHLY REVISED BY THE EIGHTH EDITION_
+
+                                   WITH
+                       EIGHT COLOURED ILLUSTRATIONS
+                            BY HAROLD COPPING
+
+                      [Picture: Decorative graphic]
+
+                                  London
+                       THE RELIGIOUS TRACT SOLCIETY
+              4 Bouverie Street and 65 St Paul’s Churchyard
+                                   1905
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+                     _Come and hear all ye that fear_
+                 _God_, _and I will declare what He hath_
+                  _done for my soul_.—_Psalm lxvi. 16_.
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+PREFATORY NOTE
+
+
+THE text in this edition is as nearly as possible that of the eighth,
+which was corrected by Bunyan himself a few weeks before his death.  The
+text of ‘A Relation’ is that of the first edition of 1765.  A few minor
+changes have been introduced for the convenience of the reader.  The use
+of capital letters has been considerably modified, and the orthography
+has been in places modernized.  In some few instances the Scripture
+references have been added to quotations where they did not appear in the
+original.  It must be remembered that Bunyan often quoted Scripture
+inexactly, and it has not been deemed necessary to make all his
+quotations follow the text of the Authorized Version.
+
+The marginal summary is not part of the original, but has been prepared
+for this edition in order that it may correspond with the Society’s
+editions of the ‘Pilgrim’s Progress.’ {7}
+
+The illustrations have been prepared for this work by Mr. Harold Copping,
+whose illustrations to the ‘Pilgrim’s Progress’ have justly attracted
+much attention.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+                                                                  PAGE
+PREFATORY NOTE                                                       7
+A PREFACE                                                           11
+GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS, paragraphs 1–339           17
+       A Brief Account of the Author’s Call to the Work of         147
+       the Ministry
+       A Brief Account of the Author’s Imprisonment                169
+       The Conclusion, paragraphs 1–7                              180
+A RELATION OF THE IMPRISONMENT OF THE AUTHOR IN THE MONTH          183
+OF NOVEMBER 1660
+A CONTINUATION OF THE AUTHOR’S LIFE                                229
+A BRIEF CHARACTER OF THE AUTHOR                                    241
+POSTSCRIPT                                                         243
+
+
+
+
+A PREFACE
+
+
+OR, BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE PUBLISHING THIS WORK.  WRITTEN BY THE AUTHOR
+THEREOF, AND DEDICATED TO THOSE WHOM GOD HATH COUNTED HIM WORTHY TO BEGET
+TO FAITH, BY HIS MINISTRY IN THE WORD
+
+CHILDREN, Grace be with you.  _Amen_.  I being taken from you in
+presence, and so tied up that I cannot perform that duty, that from God
+doth lie upon me to you-ward, for your farther edifying and building up
+in faith and holiness, etc., yet that you may see my soul hath fatherly
+care and desire after your spiritual and everlasting welfare, I now once
+again, as before, from the top of _Shenir_ and _Hermon_, so now from _the
+lions’ dens_, _from the mountains of the leopards_ (Song iv. 8), do look
+yet after you all, greatly longing to see your safe arrival into THE
+desired Haven.
+
+I thank God upon every remembrance of you; and rejoice, even while I
+stick between the teeth of the lion in the wilderness, that the grace and
+mercy, and knowledge of Christ our Saviour, which God hath bestowed upon
+you, with abundance of faith and love; your hungerings and thirstings
+after farther acquaintance with the Father, in the Son; your tenderness
+of heart, your trembling at sin, your sober and holy deportment also,
+before both God and men, is a great refreshment to me; _For ye are our
+glory and joy_.  1 Thess. ii. 20.
+
+I have sent you here enclosed, a drop of that honey that I have taken out
+of the carcase of a lion.  Judg. xiv. 5–8.  I have eaten thereof myself,
+and am much refreshed thereby.  (Temptations, when we meet them at first,
+are as the lion that roared upon _Samson_; but if we overcome them, the
+next time we see them, we shall find a nest of honey within them.)  The
+_Philistines_ understand me not.  It is something of a relation of the
+work of God upon my soul, even from the very first, till now, wherein you
+may perceive my castings down, and risings up: for He woundeth, and His
+hands make whole.  It is written in the Scripture, Isa. xxxviii. 19, _The
+father to the children shall make known Thy truth_.  Yea, it was for this
+reason I lay so long at Sinai, Lev. iv. 10, 11, to see the fire, and the
+cloud, and the darkness, _that I might fear the Lord all the days of my
+life upon earth_, _and tell of His wondrous works to my children_.  Psalm
+lxxviii. 3–5.
+
+Moses, Numb. xxxiii. 1, 2, writ of the journeys of the children of
+_Israel_, from _Egypt_ to the land of _Canaan_; and commanded also that
+they did remember their forty years’ travel in the wilderness.  _Thou
+shalt remember all the way which the Lord thy God led thee these forty
+years in the wilderness_, _to humble thee_, _and to prove thee_, _and to
+know what was in thine heart_, _whether thou wouldst keep His
+commandments_, _or no_.  Deut. viii. 2.  Wherefore this I have
+endeavoured to do; and not only so, but to publish it also; that, if God
+will, others may be put in remembrance of what He hath done for their
+souls, by reading His work upon me.
+
+It is profitable for Christians to be often calling to mind the very
+beginnings of grace with their souls.  _It is a night to be much observed
+unto the Lord_, _for bringing them out from the land of Egypt_.  _This is
+that night of the Lord to be observed of all the children of Israel in
+their generations_.  Exod. xii. 42.  _O my God_ (saith _David_), Ps.
+xlii. 6, _my soul is cast down within me_; _therefore will I remember
+thee from the land of Jordan_, _and of the Hermonites_, _from the hill
+Mizar_.  He remembered also the lion and the bear, when he went to fight
+with the giant of _Gath_.  1 Sam. xvii. 36, 37.
+
+It was _Paul’s_ accustomed manner, Acts xxii., and that, when tried for
+his life, Acts xxiv., even to open before his judges the manner of his
+conversion: he would think of that day, and that hour, in which he first
+did meet with grace; for he found it supported him.  When God had brought
+the children of Israel out of the Red Sea, far into the wilderness, yet
+they must turn quite about thither again, to remember the drowning of
+their enemies there, Numb. xiv. 25, for though they sang his praise
+before, yet they soon forgat his works.  Psalm cvi. 11, 12.
+
+In this discourse of mine, you may see much; much I say, of the grace of
+God towards me: I thank God, I can count it much; for it was above my
+sins and Satan’s temptations too.  I can remember my fears and doubts,
+and sad months, with comfort; they are as the head of _Goliah_ in my
+hand: there was nothing to _David_ like _Goliah’s_ sword, even that sword
+that should have been sheathed in his bowels; for the very sight and
+remembrance of that did preach forth God’s deliverance to him.  Oh! the
+remembrance of my great sins, of my great temptations, and of my great
+fear of perishing for ever!  They bring afresh into my mind, the
+remembrance of my great help, my great supports from heaven, and the
+great grace that God extended to such a wretch as I.
+
+My dear children, call to mind the former days, and years of ancient
+times: remember also your songs in the night, and commune with your own
+Hearts, Ps. lxxiii. 5–12.  Yea, look diligently, and leave no corner
+therein unsearched for that treasure hid, even the treasure of your first
+and second experience of the grace of God towards you.  Remember, I say,
+the word that first laid hold upon you: remember your terrors of
+conscience, and fear of death and hell: remember also your tears and
+prayers to God; yea, how you sighed under every hedge for mercy.  Have
+you never a hill _Mizar_ to remember?  Have you forgot the close, the
+milk-house, the stable, the barn, and the like, where God did visit your
+souls?  Remember also the word, the word, I say, upon which the Lord hath
+caused you to hope: if you have sinned against light, if you are tempted
+to blaspheme, if you are drowned in despair, if you think God fights
+against you, or if heaven is hid from your eyes; remember it was thus
+with your father; _but out of them all the Lord delivered me_.
+
+I could have enlarged much in this my discourse, of my temptations and
+troubles for sin; as also of the merciful kindness and working of God
+with my soul: I could also have stepped into a style much higher than
+this, in which I have here discoursed, and could have adorned all things
+more than here I have seemed to do, but I dare not: God did not play in
+tempting of me; neither did I play, when I sunk as into the bottomless
+pit, when the _pangs of hell caught hold upon me_; wherefore I may not
+play in relating of them, but be plain and simple, and lay down the thing
+as it was; he that liketh it, let him receive it, and he that doth not,
+let him produce a better.  Farewell.
+
+My dear Children,
+
+_The milk and honey are beyond this wilderness_.  _God be merciful to
+you_, _and grant that you be not slothful to go in to possess the land_.
+
+                                                              JOHN BUNYAN.
+
+
+
+
+GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS
+OR,
+A BRIEF RELATION OF THE EXCEEDING MERCY OF GOD IN CHRIST, TO HIS POOR
+SERVANT, JOHN BUNYAN
+
+
+IN this my relation of the merciful working of God upon my soul, it will
+not be amiss, if in the first place, I do in a few words give you a hint
+of my pedigree, and manner of bringing up; that thereby the goodness and
+bounty of God towards me, may be the more advanced and magnified before
+the sons of men.
+
+2.  For my descent then, it was, as is well known by many, of a low and
+inconsiderable generation; my father’s house being of that rank that is
+meanest, and most despised of all the families in the land.  Wherefore, I
+have not here, as others, to boast of noble blood, or of any high-born
+state, according to the flesh; though, all things considered, I magnify
+the heavenly Majesty, for that by this door He brought me into the world,
+to partake of the grace and life that is in Christ by the gospel.
+
+3.  But yet, notwithstanding the meanness and inconsiderableness of my
+parents, it pleased God to put it into their hearts, to put me to school,
+to learn both to read and write; the which I also attained, according to
+the rate of other poor men’s children: though, to my shame, I confess, I
+did soon lose that I had learned, even almost utterly, and that long
+before the Lord did work His gracious work of conversion upon my soul.
+
+4.  As for my own natural life, for the time that I was without God in
+the world, it was, indeed, _according to the course of this world and the
+spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience_.  Eph. ii. 2, 3.
+It was my delight to be ‘taken captive by the devil _at his will_,’ 2
+Tim. ii. 26; being filled with all unrighteousness; the which did also so
+strongly work, and put forth itself, both in my heart and life, and that
+from a child, that I had but few equals (especially considering my years,
+which were tender, being but few) both for cursing, swearing, lying, and
+blaspheming the holy name of God.
+
+5.  Yea, so settled and rooted was I in these things, that they became as
+a second nature to me; the which, as I have also with soberness
+considered since, did so offend the Lord, that even in my childhood he
+did scare and affrighten me with fearful dreams, and did terrify me with
+fearful visions.  For often, after I have spent this and the other day in
+sin, I have in my bed been greatly afflicted, while asleep, with the
+apprehensions of devils and wicked spirits, who still, as I then thought,
+laboured to draw me away with them, of which I could never be rid.
+
+6.  Also I should, at these years, be greatly afflicted and troubled with
+the thoughts of the fearful torments of hell-fire; still fearing, that it
+would be my lot to be found at last among those devils and hellish
+fiends, who are there bound down with the chains and bonds of darkness,
+unto the judgment of the great day.
+
+7.  These things, I say, when I was but a child, but nine or ten years
+old, did so distress my soul, that then in the midst of my many sports
+and childish vanities, amidst my vain companions, I was often much cast
+down, and afflicted in my mind therewith, yet could I not let go my sins:
+yea, I was also then so overcome with despair of life and heaven, that I
+should often wish, either that there had been no hell, or that I had been
+a devil; supposing they were only tormentors; that if it must needs be,
+that I went thither, I might be rather a tormentor, than be tormented
+myself.
+
+8. A while after those terrible dreams did leave me, which also I soon
+forgot; for my pleasures did quickly cut off the remembrance of them, as
+if they had never been: wherefore with more greediness, according to the
+strength of nature, I did still let loose the reins of my lust, and
+delighted in all transgressions against the law of God: so that until I
+came to the state of marriage, I was the very ringleader of all the youth
+that kept me company, in all manner of vice and ungodliness.
+
+9.  Yea, such prevalency had the lusts and fruits of the flesh in this
+poor soul of mine, that had not a miracle of precious grace prevented, I
+had not only perished by the stroke of eternal justice, but had also laid
+myself open, even to the stroke of those laws which bring some to
+disgrace and open shame before the face of the world.
+
+10.  In these days the thoughts of religion were very grievous to me; I
+could neither endure it myself, nor that any other should; so that when I
+have seen some read in those books that concerned Christian piety, it
+would be as it were a prison to me.  _Then I said unto God_, _Depart from
+me_, _for I desire not the knowledge of Thy ways_.  Job xxi. 14, 15.  I
+was now void of all good consideration, heaven and hell were both out of
+sight and mind; and as for saving and damning, they were least in my
+thoughts.  _O Lord_, _Thou knowest my life_, _and my ways were not hid
+from Thee_!
+
+11.  But this I well remember, that though I could myself sin with the
+greatest delight and ease, and also take pleasure in the vileness of my
+companions; yet, even then, if I had at any time seen wicked things, by
+those who professed goodness, it would make my spirit tremble.  As once
+above all the rest, when I was in the height of vanity, yet hearing one
+to swear, that was reckoned for a religious man, it had so great a stroke
+upon my spirit, that it made my heart ache.
+
+12.  But God did not utterly leave me, but followed me still, not now
+with convictions, but judgments; yet such as were mixed with mercy.  For
+once I fell into a creek of the sea, and hardly escaped drowning.
+Another time I fell out of a boat into _Bedford_ river, but, mercy yet
+preserved me alive: besides, another time, being in a field, with one of
+my companions, it chanced that an adder passed over the highway, so I
+having a stick in my hand, struck her over the back; and having stunned
+her, I forced open her mouth with my stick, and plucked her sting out
+with my fingers; by which act had not God been merciful unto me, I might
+by my desperateness, have brought myself to my end.
+
+13.  This also I have taken notice of, with thanksgiving: When I was a
+soldier, I with others, were drawn out to go to such a place to besiege
+it; but when I was just ready to go, one of the company desired to go in
+my room: to which, when I had consented, he took my place; and coming to
+the siege, as he stood sentinel, he was shot in the head with a
+musket-bullet and died.
+
+14.  Here, as I said, were judgments and mercy, but neither of them did
+awaken my soul to righteousness; wherefore I sinned still, and grew more
+and more rebellious against God, and careless of my own salvation.
+
+15.  Presently after this, I changed my condition into a married state,
+and my mercy was, to light upon a wife whose father was counted godly:
+This woman and I, though we came together as poor as poor might be (not
+having so much household stuff as a dish or a spoon betwixt us both), yet
+this she had for her part: _The Plain Man’s Pathway to Heaven_ and _The
+Practice of Piety_; which her father had left her when he died.  In these
+two books I would sometimes read with her, wherein I also found some
+things that were somewhat pleasing to me (but all this while I met with
+no conviction).  She also would be often telling of me what a godly man
+her father was, and how he would reprove and correct vice, both in his
+house, and among his neighbours; what a strict and holy life he lived in
+his days, both in word and deed.
+
+          [Picture: Bunyan and his Wife read her Father’s Books]
+
+16.  Wherefore these books, with this relation, though they did not reach
+my heart, to awaken it about my sad and sinful state, yet they did beget
+within me some desires to religion: so that because I knew no better, I
+fell in very eagerly with the religion of the times; to wit, to go to
+church twice a day, and that too with the foremost; and there should very
+devoutly, both say and sing, as others did, yet retaining my wicked life;
+but withal, I was so over-run with the spirit of superstition, that I
+adored, and that with great devotion, even all things (both the
+high-place, priest, clerk, vestment, service, and what else) belonging to
+the church; counting all things holy that were therein contained, and
+especially, the priest and clerk most happy, and without doubt, greatly
+blessed, because they were the servants, as I then thought, of God, and
+were principal in the holy temple, to do His work therein.
+
+17.  This conceit grew so strong in a little time upon my spirit, that
+had I but seen a priest (though never so sordid and debauched in his
+life), I should find my spirit fall under him, reverence him, and knit
+unto him; yea, I thought, for the love I did bear unto them (supposing
+them the ministers of God), I could have laid down at their feet, and
+have been trampled upon by them; their name, their garb, and work did so
+intoxicate and bewitch me.
+
+18.  After I had been thus for some considerable time, another thought
+came in my mind; and that was, whether we were of the _Israelites_ or no?
+For finding in the scripture that they were once the peculiar people of
+God, thought I, if I were one of this race, my soul must needs be happy.
+Now again, I found within me a great longing to be resolved about this
+question, but could not tell how I should: at last I asked my father of
+it; who told me, _No_, _we were not_.  Wherefore then I fell in my
+spirit, as to the hopes of that, and so remained.
+
+19.  But all this while, I was not sensible of the danger and evil of
+sin; I was kept from considering that sin would damn me, what religion
+soever I followed, unless I was found in Christ: nay, I never thought of
+Him, or whether there was such a One, or no.  _Thus man_, _while blind_,
+_doth wander_, _but wearieth himself with vanity_, _for he knoweth not
+the way to the city of God_.  Eccles. x. 15.
+
+20.  But one day (amongst all the sermons our parson made) his subject
+was, to treat of the Sabbath day, and of the evil of breaking that,
+either with labour, sports or otherwise.  (Now, I was, notwithstanding my
+religion, one that took much delight in all manner of vice, and
+especially that was the day that I did solace myself therewith):
+wherefore I fell in my conscience under his sermon, thinking and
+believing that he made that sermon on purpose to show me my evil doing.
+And at that time I felt what guilt was, though never before, that I can
+remember; but then I was, for the present, greatly loaden therewith, and
+so went home when the sermon was ended, with a great burthen upon my
+spirit.
+
+21.  This, for that instant did benumb the sinews of my best delights,
+and did imbitter my former pleasures to me; but hold, it lasted not, for
+before I had well dined, the trouble began to go off my mind, and my
+heart returned to its old course: but oh! how glad was I, that this
+trouble was gone from me, and that the fire was put out, that I might sin
+again without control!  Wherefore, when I had satisfied nature with my
+food, I shook the sermon out of my mind, and to my old custom of sports
+and gaming, I returned with great delight.
+
+22.  But the same day, as I was in the midst of a game of Cat, and having
+struck it one blow from the hole, just as I was about to strike it the
+second time, a voice did suddenly dart from heaven into my soul, which
+said, _Wilt thou leave thy sins and go to heaven_, _or have thy sins and
+go to hell_?  At this I was put to an exceeding maze; wherefore leaving
+my cat upon the ground, I looked up to heaven, and was, as if I had, with
+the eyes of my understanding, seen the Lord Jesus looking down upon me,
+as being very hotly displeased with me, and as if He did severely
+threaten me with some grievous punishment for these and other ungodly
+practices.
+
+               [Picture: Bunyan hears a Voice from Heaven]
+
+23.  I had no sooner thus conceived in my mind, but, suddenly, this
+conclusion was fastened on my spirit (for the former hint did set my sins
+again before my face), _That I had been a great and grievous sinner_,
+_and that it was now too late for me to look after heaven_; _for Christ
+would not forgive me_, _nor pardon my transgressions_.  Then I fell to
+musing on this also; and while I was thinking of it, and fearing lest it
+should be so; I felt my heart sink in despair, concluding it was too
+late; and therefore I resolved in my mind I would go on in sin: for,
+thought I, if the case be thus, my state is surely miserable; miserable
+if I leave my sins, and but miserable if I follow them; I can but be
+damned, and if I must be so, I had as good be damned for many sins, as be
+damned for few.
+
+24.  Thus I stood in the midst of my play, before all that then were
+present: but yet I told them nothing: but I say; having made this
+conclusion, I returned desperately to my sport again; and I well
+remember, that presently this kind of despair did so possess my soul,
+that I was persuaded I could never attain to other comfort than what I
+should get in sin; for heaven was gone already, so that on that I must
+not think; wherefore I found within me great desire to take my fill of
+sin, still studying what sin was yet to be committed, that I might taste
+the sweetness of it; and I made as much haste as I could to fill my belly
+with its delicates, lest I should die before I had my desire; for that I
+feared greatly.  In these things, I protest before God, I lye not,
+neither do I feign this form of speech; these were really, strongly, and
+with all my heart, my desires: _The good Lord_, _Whose mercy is
+unsearchable_, _forgive me my transgressions_!
+
+25.  And I am very confident, that this temptation of the devil is more
+usual among poor creatures, than many are aware of, even to over-run the
+spirits with a scurvy and seared frame of heart, and benumbing of
+conscience, which frame he stilly and slily supplieth with such despair,
+that, though not much guilt attendeth souls, yet they continually have a
+secret conclusion within them, that there is no hope for them; _for they
+have loved sins_, _therefore after them they will go_.  Jer. ii. 25, and
+xviii. 12.
+
+26.  Now therefore I went on in sin with great greediness of mind, still
+grudging that I could not be so satisfied with it, as I would.  This did
+continue with me about a month, or more; but one day, as I was standing
+at a neighbour’s shop window, and there cursing and swearing, and playing
+the madman, after my wonted manner, there sate within, the woman of the
+house, and heard me; who, though she also was a very loose and ungodly
+wretch, yet protested that I swore and cursed at that most fearful rate,
+that she was made to tremble to hear me; and told me further, _that I was
+the ungodliest fellow for swearing_, _that she ever heard in all her
+life_; _and that I_, _by thus doing_, _was able to spoil all the youth in
+the whole town_, _if they come but in my company_.
+
+27.  At this reproof I was silenced, and put to secret shame; and that
+too, as I thought, before the God of heaven; wherefore, while I stood
+there, and hanging down my head, I wished with all my heart that I might
+be a little child again, that my father might learn me to speak without
+this wicked way of swearing; for, thought I, I am so accustomed to it,
+that it is in vain for me to think of a reformation; for I thought it
+could never be.
+
+28.  But how it came to pass, I know not; I did from this time forward,
+so leave my swearing, that it was a great wonder to myself to observe it;
+and whereas before I knew not how to speak unless I put an oath before,
+and another behind, to make my words have authority; now I could, without
+it, speak better, and with more pleasantness than ever I could before.
+All this while I knew not Jesus Christ, neither did I leave my sports and
+plays.
+
+29.  But quickly after this, I fell into company with one poor man that
+made profession of religion; who, as I then thought, did talk pleasantly
+of the scriptures, and of the matters of religion; wherefore falling into
+some love and liking to what he said, I betook me to my Bible, and began
+to take great pleasure in reading, but especially with the historical
+part thereof; for as for Paul’s Epistles, and such like scriptures, I
+could not away with them, being as yet ignorant, either of the
+corruptions of my nature, or of the want and worth of Jesus Christ to
+save me.
+
+30.  Wherefore I fell to some outward reformation both in my words and
+life, and did set the commandments before me for my way to heaven; which
+commandments I also did strive to keep, and, as I thought, did keep them
+pretty well sometimes, and then I should have comfort; yet now and then
+should break one, and so afflict my conscience; but then I should repent,
+and say, I was sorry for it, and promise God to do better next time, and
+there get help again; for then I thought I pleased God as well as any man
+in _England_.
+
+31.  Thus I continued about a year; all which time our neighbours did
+take me to be a very godly man, a new and religious man, and did marvel
+much to see such a great and famous alteration in my life and manners;
+and indeed so it was, though yet I knew not Christ, nor grace, nor faith,
+nor hope; for, as I have well seen since, had I then died, my state had
+been most fearful.
+
+32.  But, I say, my neighbours were amazed at this my great conversion,
+from prodigious profaneness, to something like a moral life; and truly,
+so they well might; for this my conversion was as great, as for Tom of
+Bethlehem to become a sober man.  Now therefore they began to praise, to
+commend, and to speak well of me, both to my face, and behind my back.
+Now I was, as they said, become godly; now I was become a right honest
+man.  But oh! when I understood these were their words and opinions of
+me, it pleased me mighty well.  For, though as yet I was nothing but a
+poor painted hypocrite, yet, I loved to be talked of as one that was
+truly godly.  I was proud of my godliness, and indeed, I did all I did,
+either to be seen of, or to be well spoken of, by men: and thus I
+continued for about a twelvemonth, or more.
+
+33.  Now you must know, that, before this, I had taken much delight in
+ringing, but my _conscience_ beginning to be tender, I thought such
+_practice_ was but vain, and therefore forced myself to leave it; yet my
+mind hankered; wherefore I would go to the steeple-house, and look on,
+though I durst not ring: but I thought this did not become religion
+neither; yet I forced myself, and would look on still, but quickly after,
+I began to think, _how if one of the bells should fall_?  Then I chose to
+stand under a main beam, that lay overthwart the steeple, from side to
+side, thinking here I might stand sure; but then I should think again,
+should the bell fall with a swing, it might first hit the wall, and then,
+rebounding upon me, might kill me for all this beam; this made me stand
+in the steeple-door; and now, thought I, I am safe enough; for if the
+bell should now fall, I can slip out behind these thick walls, and so be
+preserved notwithstanding.
+
+34.  So after this I would yet go to see them ring, but would not go any
+farther than the steeple-door; but then it came into my head, how if the
+steeple itself should fall?  And this thought (it may for aught I know)
+when I stood and looked on, did continually so shake my mind, that I
+durst not stand at the steeple-door any longer, but was forced to flee,
+for fear the steeple should fall upon my head.
+
+                     [Picture: Bunyan at the Steeple]
+
+35.  Another thing was, my dancing; I was a full year before I could
+quite leave that; but all this while, when I thought I kept this or that
+commandment, or did, by word or deed, anything that I thought was good, I
+had great peace in my conscience, and should think with myself, God
+cannot choose but be now pleased with me; yea, to relate it in mine own
+way, I thought no man in _England_ could please God better than I.
+
+36.  But poor wretch as I was!  I was all this while ignorant of Jesus
+Christ; and going about to establish my own righteousness; and had
+perished therein, had not God in mercy showed me more of my state by
+nature.
+
+37.  But upon a day, the good providence of God called me to _Bedford_,
+to work on my calling; and in one of the streets of that town, I came
+where there were three or four poor women sitting at a door, in the sun,
+talking about the things of God; and being now willing to hear them
+discourse, I drew near to hear what they said, for I was now a brisk
+talker also myself, in the matters of religion; but I may say, _I heard
+but understood not_; for they were far above, out of my reach.  Their
+talk was about a new birth, the work of God on their hearts, also how
+they were convinced of their miserable state by nature; they talked how
+God had visited their souls with His love in the Lord Jesus, and with
+what words and promises they had been refreshed, comforted, and
+supported, against the temptations of the devil: moreover, they reasoned
+of the suggestions and temptations of Satan in particular; and told to
+each other, by which they had been afflicted and how they were borne up
+under his assaults.  They also discoursed of their own wretchedness of
+heart, and of their unbelief; and did contemn, slight and abhor their own
+righteousness, as filthy, and insufficient to do them any good.
+
+          [Picture: Bunyan listens to the poor women of Bedford]
+
+38.  And, methought, they spake as if joy did make them speak; they spake
+with such pleasantness of scripture language, and with such appearance of
+grace in all they said, that they were to me, as if they had found a new
+world; as if they were _people that dwelt alone_, _and were not to be
+reckoned among their neighbours_.  Numb. xxiii. 9.
+
+39.  At this I felt my own heart began to shake, and mistrust my
+condition to be naught; for I saw that in all my thoughts about religion
+and salvation, the new-birth did never enter into my mind; neither knew I
+the comfort of the word and promise, nor the deceitfulness and treachery
+of my own wicked heart.  As for secret thoughts, I took no notice of
+them; neither did I understand what Satan’s temptations were, nor how
+they were to be withstood, and resisted, etc.
+
+40.  Thus, therefore, when I had heard and considered what they said, I
+left them, and went about my employment again, but their talk and
+discourse went with me; also my heart would tarry with them, for I was
+greatly affected with their words, both because by them I was convinced
+that I wanted the true tokens of a truly godly man, and also because by
+them I was convinced of the happy and blessed condition of him that was
+such a one.
+
+41.  Therefore I should often make it my business to be going again and
+again into the company of these poor people; for I could not stay away;
+and the more I went amongst them, the more I did question my condition;
+and as I still do remember, presently I found two things within me, at
+which I did sometimes marvel (especially considering what a blind,
+ignorant, sordid and ungodly wretch but just before I was).  The one was
+a very great softness and tenderness of heart, which caused me to fall
+under the conviction of what by scripture they asserted, and the other
+was a great bending in my mind, to a continual meditating on it, and on
+all other good things, which at any time I heard or read of.
+
+42.  By these things my mind was now so turned, that it lay like an
+horse-leech at the vein, still crying out, _Give_, _Give_, Prov. xxx. 15;
+yea, it was so fixed on eternity, and on the things about the kingdom of
+heaven (that is, so far as I knew, though as yet, God knows, I knew but
+little), that neither pleasures, nor profits, nor persuasions, nor
+threats, could loose it, or make it let go its hold; and though I may
+speak it with shame, yet it is in very deed, a certain truth, it would
+then have been as difficult for me to have taken my mind from heaven to
+earth, as I have found it often since, to get again from earth to heaven.
+
+43.  One thing I may not omit: There was a young man in our town, to whom
+my heart before was knit, more than to any other, but he being a most
+wicked creature for cursing, and swearing, and whoreing, I now shook him
+off, and forsook his company; but about a quarter of a year after I had
+left him, I met him in a certain lane, and asked him how he did: he,
+after his old swearing and mad way, answered, he was well.  But, Harry,
+said I, _why do you curse and swear thus_?  _What will become of you_,
+_if you die in this condition_?  He answered me in a great chafe, _What
+would the devil do for company_, _if it were not for such as I am_?
+
+44.  About this time I met with some Ranters’ books, that were put forth
+by some of our countrymen, which books were also highly in esteem by
+several old professors; some of these I read, but was not able to make
+any judgment about them; wherefore as I read in them, and thought upon
+them (seeing myself unable to judge), I would betake myself to hearty
+prayer in this manner.  _O Lord_, _I am a fool_, _and not able to know
+the truth from error_: _Lord_, _leave me not to my own blindness_,
+_either to approve of or condemn this doctrine_; _if it be of God_, _let
+me not despise it_; _if it be of the devil_, _let me not embrace it_.
+_Lord_, _I lay my soul in this matter only at Thy foot_, _let me not be
+deceived_, _I humbly beseech Thee_.  I had one religious intimate
+companion all this while, and that was the poor man I spoke of before;
+but about this time, he also turned a most devilish Ranter, and gave
+himself up to all manner of filthiness, especially uncleanness: he would
+also deny that there was a God, angel, or spirit; and would laugh at all
+exhortations to sobriety; when I laboured to rebuke his wickedness he
+would laugh the more, and pretend that he had gone through all religions,
+and could never light on the right till now.  He told me also, that in a
+little time I should see all professors turn to the ways of the Ranters.
+Wherefore, abominating those cursed principles, I left his company
+forthwith, and became to him as great a stranger, as I had been before a
+familiar.
+
+45.  Neither was this man only a temptation to me, but my calling lying
+in the country, I happened to light into several people’s company, who
+though strict in religion formerly, yet were also swept away by these
+Ranters.  These would also talk with me of their ways, and condemn me as
+legal and dark; pretending that they only had attained to perfection,
+that could do what they would and not sin.  Oh! these temptations were
+suitable to my flesh, I being but a young man and my nature in its prime;
+but God, who had, as I hoped, designed me for better things, kept me in
+the fear of His name, and did not suffer me to accept such cursed
+principles.  And blessed be God, Who put it into my heart to cry to Him
+to be kept and directed, still distrusting my own wisdom; for I have
+since seen even the effects of that prayer, in His preserving me, not
+only from Ranting errors, but from those also that have sprung up since.
+The Bible was precious to me in those days.
+
+46.  And now methought, I began to look into the Bible with new eyes, and
+read as I never did before, and especially the epistles of the apostle St
+Paul were sweet and pleasant to me; and indeed I was then never out of
+the Bible, either by reading or meditation; still crying out to God, that
+I might know the truth, and way to heaven and glory.
+
+47.  And as I went on and read, I lighted upon that passage, _To one is
+given_, _by the Spirit_, _the word of wisdom_; _to another the word
+knowledge by the same Spirit_; _and to another faith_, etc.  1 Cor. xii.
+And though, as I have since seen, that by this scripture the Holy Ghost
+intends, in special, things extraordinary, yet on me it did then fasten
+with conviction, that I did want things ordinary, even that understanding
+and wisdom that other Christians had.  On this word I mused, and could
+not tell what to do, especially this word ‘Faith’ put me to it, for I
+could not help it, but sometimes must question, whether I had any faith,
+or no; but I was loath to conclude, I had no faith; for if I do so,
+thought I, then I shall count myself a very cast-away indeed.
+
+48.  No, said I, with myself, though I am convinced that I am an ignorant
+sot, and that I want those blessed gifts of knowledge and understanding
+that other people have; yet at a venture I will conclude, I am not
+altogether faithless, though I know not what faith is; for it was shewn
+me, and that too (as I have seen since) by Satan, that those who conclude
+themselves in a faithless state, have neither rest nor quiet in their
+souls; and I was loath to fall quite into despair.
+
+49.  Wherefore by this suggestion I was, for a while, made afraid to see
+my want of faith; but God would not suffer me thus to undo and destroy my
+soul, but did continually, against this my sad and blind conclusion,
+create still within me such suppositions, insomuch that I could not rest
+content, until I did now come to some certain knowledge, whether I had
+faith or no, this always running in my mind, _But how if you want faith
+indeed_?  _But how can you tell you have faith_?  And besides, I saw for
+certain, if I had not, I was sure to perish for ever.
+
+50.  So that though I endeavoured at the first to look over the business
+of Faith, yet in a little time, I better considering the matter, was
+willing to put myself upon the trial whether I had faith or no.  But
+alas, poor wretch! so ignorant and brutish was I, that I knew not to this
+day no more how to do it, than I know how to begin and accomplish that
+rare and curious piece of art, which I never yet saw or considered.
+
+51.  Wherefore while I was thus considering, and being put to my plunge
+about it (for you must know, that as yet I had in this matter broken my
+mind to no man, only did hear and consider), the tempter came in with
+this delusion, _That there was no way for me to know I had faith_, _but
+by trying to work some miracle_; urging those scriptures that seem to
+look that way, for the enforcing and strengthening his temptation.  Nay,
+one day, as I was between _Elstow_ and _Bedford_, the temptation was hot
+upon me, to try if I had faith, by doing some miracle; which miracle at
+this time was this, I must say to the _puddles_ that were in the
+horsepads, _Be dry_; and to the _dry places_, _Be you puddles_: and truly
+one time I was going to say so indeed; but just as I was about to speak,
+this thought came into my mind; _But go under yonder hedge and pray
+first_, _that God would make you able_.  But when I had concluded to
+pray, this came hot upon me; That if I prayed, and came again and tried
+to do it, and yet did nothing notwithstanding, then to be sure I had no
+faith, but was a cast-away, and lost; nay, thought I, if it be so, I will
+not try yet, but will stay a little longer.
+
+52.  So I continued at a great loss; for I thought, if they only had
+faith, which could do so wonderful things, then I concluded, that for the
+present I neither had it, nor yet for the time to come, were ever like to
+have it.  Thus I was tossed betwixt the devil and my own ignorance, and
+so perplexed, especially at some times, that I could not tell what to do.
+
+53.  About this time, the state and happiness of these poor people at
+Bedford was thus, _in a kind of a vision_, presented to me, I saw as if
+they were on the sunny side of some high mountain, there refreshing
+themselves with the pleasant beams of the sun, while I was shivering and
+shrinking in the cold, afflicted with frost, snow and dark clouds:
+methought also, betwixt me and them, I saw a wall that did compass about
+this mountain, now through this wall my soul did greatly desire to pass;
+concluding, that if I could, I would even go into the very midst of them,
+and there also comfort myself with the heat of their sun.
+
+54.  About this wall I bethought myself, to go again and again, still
+prying as I went, to see if I could find some way or passage, by which I
+might enter therein: but none could I find for some time: at the last, I
+saw, as it were, a narrow gap, like a little door-way in the wall,
+through which I attempted to pass: Now the passage being very strait and
+narrow, I made many offers to get in, but all in vain, even until I was
+well-nigh quite beat out, by striving to get in; at last, with great
+striving, methought I at first did get in my head, and after that, by a
+sideling striving, my shoulders, and my whole body; then I was exceeding
+glad, went and sat down in the midst of them, and so was comforted with
+the light and heat of their sun.
+
+55.  Now this mountain, and wall, etc., was thus made out to me: The
+mountain signified the church of the living God: the sun that shone
+thereon, the comfortable shining of His merciful face on them that were
+therein; the wall I thought was the word, that did make separation
+between the Christians and the world; and the gap which was in the wall,
+I thought, was Jesus Christ, Who is the way to God the Father.  John xiv.
+6; Matt. vii. 14.  But forasmuch as the passage was wonderful narrow,
+even so narrow that I could not, but with great difficulty, enter in
+thereat, it showed me, that none could enter into life, but those that
+were in downright earnest, and unless also they left that wicked world
+behind them; for here was only room for body and soul, but not for body
+and soul and sin.
+
+56.  This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days; all which time I
+saw myself in a forlorn and sad condition, but yet was provoked to a
+vehement hunger and desire to be one of that number that did sit in the
+sunshine: Now also I should pray wherever I was: whether at home or
+abroad; in house or field; and would also often, with lifting up of
+heart, sing that of the fifty-first Psalm, _O Lord_, _consider my
+distress_; for as yet I knew not where I was.
+
+57.  Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortable persuasion that I
+had faith in Christ; but instead of having satisfaction here, I began to
+find my soul to be assaulted with fresh doubts about my future happiness;
+especially with such as these, _whether I was elected_?  _But how_, _if
+the day of grace should now be past and gone_?
+
+58.  By these two temptations I was very much afflicted and disquieted;
+sometimes by one, and sometimes by the other of them.  And first, to
+speak of that about my questioning my election, I found at this time,
+that though I was in a flame to find the way to heaven and glory, and
+though nothing could beat me off from this, yet this question did so
+offend and discourage me, that I was, especially sometimes, as if the
+very strength of my body also had been taken away by the force and power
+thereof.  This scripture did also seem to me to trample upon all my
+desires; _It is not of him that willeth_, _nor of him that runneth_; _but
+of God that showeth mercy_.  Rom. ix. 16.
+
+59.  With this scripture I could not tell what to do: for I evidently
+saw, unless that the great God, of His infinite grace and bounty, had
+voluntarily chosen me to be a vessel of mercy, though I should desire,
+and long, and labour until my heart did break, no good could come of it.
+Therefore this would stick with me, _How can you tell that you are
+elected_?  _And what if you should not_?  _How then_?
+
+60.  O Lord, thought I, what if I should not indeed?  It may be you are
+not, said the Tempter; it may be so indeed, thought I.  Why then, said
+Satan, you had as good leave off, and strive no farther; for if indeed,
+you should not be elected and chosen of God, there is no talk of your
+being saved; _For it is not of him that willeth_, _nor of him that
+runneth_; _but of God that showeth mercy_.
+
+61.  By these things I was driven to my wits’ end, not knowing what to
+say, or how to answer these temptations: (indeed, I little thought that
+Satan had thus assaulted me, but that rather it was my own prudence thus
+to start the question): for that the elect only attained eternal life;
+that, I without scruple did heartily close withal; but that myself was
+one of them, there lay the question.
+
+62.  Thus therefore, for several days, I was greatly assaulted and
+perplexed, and was often, when I have been walking, ready to sink where I
+went, with faintness in my mind; but one day, after I had been so many
+weeks oppressed and cast down therewith as I was now quite giving up the
+ghost of all my hopes of ever attaining life, that sentence fell with
+weight upon my spirit, _Look at the generations of old_, _and see_; _did
+ever any trust in God_, _and were confounded_?
+
+63.  At which I was greatly lightened, and encouraged in my soul; for
+thus, at that very instant, it was expounded to me: _Begin at the
+beginning of Genesis_, _and read to the end of the Revelations_, _and see
+if you can find_, _that there were ever any that trusted in the Lord_,
+_and were confounded_.  So coming home, I presently went to my Bible, to
+see if I could find that saying, not doubting but to find it presently;
+for it was so fresh, and with such strength and comfort on my spirit,
+that it was as if it talked with me.
+
+64.  Well, I looked, but I found it not; only it abode upon me: Then did
+I ask first this good man, and then another, if they knew where it was,
+but they knew no such place.  At this I wondered, that such a sentence
+should so suddenly, and with such comfort and strength, seize, and abide
+upon my heart; and yet that none could find it (for I doubted not but
+that it was in holy scripture).
+
+65.  Thus I continued above a year, and could not find the place; but at
+last, casting my eye upon the _Apocrypha_ books, I found it in
+_Ecclesiasticus_, Eccles. ii. 10.  This, at the first, did somewhat daunt
+me; but because by this time I had got more experience of the love and
+kindness of God, it troubled me the less, especially when I considered
+that though it was not in those texts that we call holy and canonical;
+yet forasmuch as this sentence was the sum and substance of many of the
+promises, it was my duty to take the comfort of it; and I bless God for
+that word, for it was of God to me: that word doth still at times shine
+before my face.
+
+66.  After this, that other doubt did come with strength upon me, _But
+how if the day of grace should be past and gone_?  How if you have
+overstood the time of mercy?  Now I remember that one day, as I was
+walking in the country, I was much in the thoughts of this, _But how if
+the day of grace is past_?  And to aggravate my trouble, the Tempter
+presented to my mind those good people of _Bedford_, and suggested thus
+unto me, that these being converted already, they were all that God would
+save in those parts; and that I came too late, for these had got the
+blessing before I came.
+
+67.  Now I was in great distress, thinking in very deed that this might
+well be so; wherefore I went up and down, bemoaning my sad condition;
+counting myself far worse than a thousand fools for standing off thus
+long, and spending so many years in sin as I had done; still crying out,
+Oh! that I had turned sooner!  Oh! that I had turned seven years ago!  It
+made me also angry with myself, to think that I should have no more wit,
+but to trifle away my time, till my soul and heaven were lost.
+
+68.  But when I had been long vexed with this fear, and was scarce able
+to take one step more, just about the same place where I received my
+other encouragement, these words broke in upon my mind, _Compel them to
+come in_, _that my house may be filled_; _and yet there is room_.  Luke
+xiv. 22, 23.  These words, but especially those, _And yet there is room_,
+were sweet words to me; for truly I thought that by them I saw there was
+place enough in heaven for me; and moreover, that when the Lord Jesus did
+speak these words, He then did think of me: and that He knowing that the
+time would come, that I should be afflicted with fear, that there was no
+place left for me in His bosom, did before speak this word, and leave it
+upon record, that I might find help thereby against this vile temptation.
+This I then verily believed.
+
+69.  In the light and encouragement of this word I went a pretty while;
+and the comfort was the more, when I thought that the Lord Jesus should
+think on me so long ago, and that He should speak those words on purpose
+for my sake; for I did think verily, that He did on purpose speak them to
+encourage me withal.
+
+70.  But I was not without my temptations to go back again; temptations I
+say, both from Satan, mine own heart, and carnal acquaintance; but I
+thank God these were outweighed by that sound sense of death, and of the
+day of judgment, which abode, as it were, continually in my view: I would
+often also think on _Nebuchadnezzar_; of whom it is said, _He had given
+him all the kingdoms of the earth_.  Dan. v. 18, 19.  Yet, thought I, if
+this great man had all his portion in this world, one hour in hell-fire
+would make him forget all.  Which consideration was a great help to me.
+
+71.  I was also made, about this time, to see something concerning the
+beasts that _Moses_ counted clean and unclean: I thought those beasts
+were types of men; the _clean_, types of them that were the people of
+God; but the _unclean_, types of such as were the children of the wicked
+one.  Now I read, that the clean beasts _chewed the cud_; that is,
+thought I, they show us, we must feed upon the word of God: they also
+_parted the hoof_.  I thought that signified, we must part, if we would
+be saved, with the ways of ungodly men.  And also, in further reading
+about them, I found, that though we did chew the cud, as the _hare_; yet
+if we walked with claws, like a dog; or if we did part the hoof, like the
+_swine_, yet if we did not chew the cud, as the sheep, we were still, for
+all that, but unclean: for I thought the _hare_ to be a type of those
+that talk of the word, yet walk in the ways of sin; and that the _swine_
+was like him that parted with his outward pollutions, but still wanteth
+the word of faith, without which there could be no way of salvation, let
+a man be never so devout.  Deut. xiv.  After this, I found by reading the
+word, that those that must be glorified with Christ in another world
+_must be called by Him here_; called to the partaking of a share in His
+word and righteousness, and to the comforts and first-fruits of His
+Spirit; and to a peculiar interest in all those heavenly things, which do
+indeed prepare the soul for that rest, and house of glory, which is in
+heaven above.
+
+72.  Here again I was at a very I great stand, not knowing what to do,
+fearing I was not called; for, thought I, if I be not called, what then
+can do me good?  None but those who are effectually called inherit the
+kingdom of heaven.  But oh! how I now loved those words that spake of a
+_Christian’s calling_! as when the Lord said to one, _Follow Me_; and to
+another, _Come after Me_: and oh, thought I, that He would say so to me
+too: how gladly would I run after Him!
+
+73.  I cannot now express with what longings and breathings in my soul, I
+cried to Christ to call me.  Thus I continued for a time, all on a flame
+to be converted to Jesus Christ; and did also see at that day, such glory
+in a converted state, that I could not be contented without a share
+therein.  Gold! could it have been gotten for gold, what would I have
+given for it?  Had I had a whole world, it had all gone ten thousand
+times over for this, that my soul might have been in a converted state.
+
+74.  How lovely now was every one in my eyes, that I thought to be
+converted men and women.  They shone, they walked like a people that
+carried the broad seal of heaven about them.  Oh! I saw the lot was
+fallen to them in pleasant places, and they had a goodly heritage.  Psalm
+xvi.  But that which made me sick, was that of Christ, in St Mark, _He
+goeth up into a mountain_, _and calleth unto Him whom He would_, _and
+they came unto Him_.  Mark iii. 13.
+
+75.  This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it kindled fire in my
+soul.  That which made me fear, was this; lest Christ should have no
+liking to me, for He called _whom He would_.  But oh! the glory that I
+saw in that condition, did still so engage my heart, that I could seldom
+read of any that Christ did call, but I presently wished, _Would I had
+been in their clothes_, _would I had been born Peter_; _would I had been
+born John_; _or_, _would I had been by and had heard Him when He called
+them_, _how would I have cried_, _O Lord_, _call me also_!  _But_, _oh_!
+_I feared He would not call me_.
+
+76.  And truly, the Lord let me go thus many months together, and shewed
+me nothing; either that I was already, or should be called hereafter: but
+at last after much time spent, and many groans to God, that I might be
+made partaker of the holy and heavenly calling; that word came in upon
+me: _I will cleanse their blood_, _that I have not cleansed_, _for the
+Lord dwelleth in Zion_.  Joel iii. 21.  These words I thought were sent
+to encourage me to wait still upon God; and signified unto me, that if I
+were not already, yet time might come, I might be in truth converted unto
+Christ.
+
+77.  About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people in
+_Bedford_, and to tell them my condition; which when they had heard, they
+told Mr Gifford of me, who himself also took occasion to talk with me,
+and was willing to be well persuaded of me, though I think from little
+grounds: but he invited me to his house, where I should hear him confer
+with others, about the dealings of God with their souls; from all which I
+still received more conviction, and from that time began to see something
+of the vanity and inward wretchedness of my wicked heart; for as yet I
+knew no great matter therein; but now it began to be discovered unto me,
+and also to work at that rate as it never did before.  Now I evidently
+found, that lusts and corruptions put forth themselves within me, in
+wicked thoughts and desires, which I did not regard before; my desires
+also for heaven and life began to fail; I found also, that whereas before
+my soul was full of longing after God, now it began to hanker after every
+foolish vanity; yea, my heart would not be moved to mind that which was
+good; it began to be careless, both of my soul and heaven; it would now
+continually hang back, both to, and in every duty; and was as a clog on
+the leg of a bird, to hinder me from flying.
+
+78.  Nay, thought I, now I grow worse and worse: now I am farther from
+conversion than ever I was before.  Wherefore I began to sink greatly in
+my soul, and began to entertain such discouragement in my heart, as laid
+me as low as hell.  If now I should have burned at the stake, I could not
+believe that Christ had love for me: alas!  I could neither hear Him, nor
+see Him, nor feel Him, nor favour any of His things; I was driven as with
+a tempest, my heart would be unclean, and the _Canaanites_ would dwell in
+the land.
+
+79.  Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God; which,
+when they heard, they would pity me, and would tell me of the promises;
+but they had as good have told me, that I must reach the sun with my
+finger, as have bidden me receive or rely upon the promises: and as soon
+I should have done it.  All my sense and feeling were against me; and I
+saw I had an heart that would sin, and that lay under a law that would
+condemn.
+
+80.  These things have often made me think of the child which the father
+brought to Christ, _who_, _while he was yet coming to Him_, _was thrown
+down by the devil_, _and also so rent and torn by him_, _that he lay down
+and wallowed_, _foaming_.  Luke ix. 42; Mark ix. 20.
+
+81.  Further, in these days, I would find my heart to shut itself up
+against the Lord, and against His holy word: I have found my unbelief to
+set, as it were, the shoulder to the door, to keep Him out; and that too
+even then, when I have with many a bitter sigh, cried, Good Lord, break
+it open: _Lord_, _break these gates of brass_, _and cut these bars of
+iron asunder_.  Psalm cvii. 16.  Yet that word would sometimes create in
+my heart a peaceable pause, _I girded thee_, _though thou hast not known
+Me_.  Isaiah xlv. 5.
+
+82.  But all this while, as to the act of sinning, I was never more
+tender than now: my hinder parts were inward: I durst not take a pin or
+stick, though but so big as a straw; for my conscience now was sore, and
+would smart at every touch: I could not now tell how to speak my words,
+for fear I should misplace them.  Oh, how gingerly did I then go, in all
+I did or said!  I found myself as on a miry bog, that shook if I did but
+stir, and was, as there, left both of God and Christ, and the Spirit, and
+all good things.
+
+83.  But I observed, though I was such a great sinner before conversion,
+yet God never much charged the guilt of the sins of my ignorance upon me;
+only He showed me, I was lost if I had not Christ, because I had been a
+sinner: I saw that I wanted a perfect righteousness to present me without
+fault before God, and this righteousness was no where to be found, but in
+the Person of Jesus Christ.
+
+84.  But my original and inward pollution; That, that was my plague and
+affliction, that I saw at a dreadful rate, always putting forth itself
+within me; that I had the guilt of, to amazement; by reason of that, I
+was more loathsome in mine own eyes than was a toad, and I thought I was
+so in God’s eyes too: Sin and corruption, I said, would as naturally
+bubble out of my heart, as water would bubble out of a fountain: I
+thought now, that every one had a better heart than I had; I could have
+changed heart with any body; I thought none but the devil himself could
+equalise me for inward wickedness and pollution of mind.  I fell
+therefore at the sight of my own vileness deeply into despair; for I
+concluded, that this condition that I was in, could not stand with a
+state of grace.  Sure, thought I, I am forsaken of God; sure, I am given
+up to the devil, and to a reprobate mind: and thus I continued a long
+while, even for some years together.
+
+85.  While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own damnation, there
+were two things would make me wonder; the one was, when I saw old people
+hunting after the things of this life, as if they should live here
+always: the other was, when I found professors much distressed and cast
+down, when they met with outward losses; as of husband, wife, child, etc.
+Lord, thought I, what a-do is here about such little things as these!
+What seeking after carnal things, by some, and what grief in others for
+the loss of them! if they so much labour after, and shed so many tears
+for the things of this present life, how am I to be bemoaned, pitied, and
+prayed for!  My soul is dying, my soul is damning.  Were my soul but in a
+good condition, and were I but sure of it, ah! how rich should I esteem
+myself, though blessed but with bread and water!  I should count those
+but small afflictions, and should bear them as little burthens.  _A
+wounded spirit who can bear_!
+
+86. And though I was much troubled, and tossed, and afflicted, with the
+sight and sense and terror of my own wickedness, yet I was afraid to let
+this sight and sense go quite off my mind: that unless guilt of
+conscience was taken off the right way, that is, by the blood of Christ a
+man grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of mind, than better.
+Wherefore, if my guilt lay hard upon me, then I should cry that the blood
+of Christ might take it off: and if it was going off without it (for the
+sense of sin would be sometimes as if it would die, and go quite away),
+then I would also strive to fetch it upon my heart again, by bringing the
+punishment of sin in hell fire upon my spirit; and should cry, _Lord_,
+_let it not go off my heart_, _but the right way_, _by the blood of
+Christ_, _and the application of Thy mercy_, _through Him_, _to my soul_,
+for that scripture lay much upon me, _without shedding of blood is no
+remission_.  Heb. ix. 22.  And that which made me the more afraid of
+this, was, because I had seen some, who though when they were under
+wounds of conscience, would cry and pray; yet seeking rather present ease
+from their trouble, than pardon for their sin, cared not how they lost
+their guilt, so they got it out of their mind: now, having got it off the
+wrong way, it was not sanctified unto them; but they grew harder and
+blinder, and more wicked after their trouble.  This made me afraid, and
+made me cry to God the more, that it might not be so with me.
+
+87.  And now I was sorry that God had made me man, for I feared I was a
+reprobate; I counted man as unconverted, the most doleful of all the
+creatures.  Thus being afflicted and tossed about my sad condition, I
+counted myself alone, and above the most of men unblessed.
+
+88.  Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I should attain to so much
+goodness of heart, as to thank God that He had made me a man.  Man indeed
+is the most noble by creation, of all creatures in the visible world; but
+by sin he has made himself the most ignoble.  The beasts, birds, fishes,
+etc.  I blessed their condition; for they had not a sinful nature; they
+were not obnoxious to the wrath of God; they were not to go to hell-fire
+after death; I could therefore have rejoiced, had my condition been as
+any of theirs.
+
+89.  In this condition I went a great while, but when comforting time was
+come, I heard one preach a sermon on these words in the song, Song iv. 1,
+_Behold_, _thou art fair_, _my love_, _behold_, _thou art fair_.  But at
+that time he made these two words, _my love_, his chief and subject
+matter: from which, after he had a little opened the text, he observed
+these several conclusions: 1. _That the church_, _and so every saved
+soul_, _is Christ’s love_, _when loveless_.  2. _Christ’s love without a
+cause_.  3. _Christ’s love_, _when hated of the world_.  4. _Christ’s
+love_, _when under temptation and under destruction_.  5. _Christ’s
+love_, _from first to last_.
+
+90.  But I got nothing by what he said at present; only when he came to
+the application of the fourth particular, this was the word he said; _If
+it be so_, _that the saved soul is Christ’s love_, _when under temptation
+and desertion_; _then poor tempted soul_, _when thou art assaulted_, _and
+afflicted with temptations_, _and the hidings of God’s face_, _yet think
+on these two words_, ‘My love,’ _still_.
+
+91.  So as I was going home, these words came again into my thoughts; and
+I well remember, as they came in, I said thus in my heart, _What shall I
+get by thinking on these two words_?  This thought had no sooner passed
+through my heart, but these words began thus to kindle in my spirit,
+_Thou art My Love_, _thou art My Dove_, twenty times together; and still
+as they ran in my mind, they waxed stronger and warmer, and began to make
+me look up; but being as yet, between hope and fear, I still replied in
+my heart, _But is it true_, _but is it true_?  At which that sentence
+fell upon me, _He wist not that it was true_, _which was done by the
+Angel_.  Acts xii. 9.
+
+92.  Then I began to give place to the word which with power, did over
+and over make this joyful sound within my soul, ‘_Thou art my Love_,
+_thou art My Love_, _and nothing shall separate thee from My Love_.  And
+with that my heart was filled full of comfort and hope, and now I could
+believe that my sins should be forgiven me; yea, I was now so taken with
+the love and mercy of God, that I remember I could not tell how to
+contain till I got home: I thought I could have spoken of His love, and
+have told of His mercy to me, even to the very crows, that sat upon the
+ploughed lands before me, had they been capable to have understood me:
+wherefore I said in my soul, with much gladness, _Well_, _I would I had a
+pen and ink here_, _I would write this down before I go any farther_;
+_for surely I will not forget this forty years hence_.  But, alas! within
+less than forty days I began to question all again; which made me begin
+to question all still.
+
+93.  Yet still at times I was helped to believe, that it was a true
+manifestation of grace unto my soul, though I had lost much of the life
+and favour of it.  Now about a week or a fortnight after this I was much
+followed by this scripture, _Simon_, _Simon_; _behold_, _Satan hath
+desired to have you_, Luke xxii. 31, and sometimes it would sound so loud
+within me, yea, and as it was, call so strongly after me, that once,
+above all the rest, I turned my head over my shoulder, thinking verily
+that some man had behind me, called me; being at a great distance,
+methought he called so loud: it came, as I have thought since, to have
+stirred me up to prayer, and to watchfulness: it came to acquaint me,
+that a cloud and a storm was coming down upon me: but I understood it
+not.
+
+94.  Also, as I remember, that time that it called to me so loud, was the
+last time that it sounded in mine ears; but me thinks I hear still with
+what a loud voice these words, _Simon_, _Simon_, sounded in mine ears.  I
+thought verily, as I have told you, that somebody had called after me,
+that was half a mile behind me: and although that was not my name, yet it
+made me suddenly look behind me, believing that he that called so loud,
+meant me.
+
+95.  But so foolish was I, and ignorant, that I knew not the reason of
+this sound; (which as I did both see and feel soon after, was sent from
+heaven as an alarm, to awaken me to provide for what was coming,) only I
+should muse and wonder in my mind, to think what should be the reason of
+this scripture, and that at this rate, so often and so loud, should still
+be sounding and rattling in mine ears: but, as I said before, I soon
+after perceived the end of God therein.
+
+96.  For, about the space of a month after, a very great storm came down
+upon me, which handled me twenty times worse than all I had met with
+before; it came stealing upon me, now by one piece, then by another:
+First, all my comfort was taken from me; then darkness seized upon me;
+after which, whole floods of blasphemies, both against God, Christ, and
+the scriptures, were poured upon my spirit, to my great confusion and
+astonishment.  These blasphemous thoughts were such as stirred up
+questions in me against the very being of God, and of His only beloved
+Son: As, whether there were in truth, a God or Christ?  And whether the
+holy scriptures were not rather a fable, and cunning story, than the holy
+and pure word of God?
+
+97.  The tempter would also much assault me with this, _How can you tell
+but that the_ Turks _had as good scriptures to prove their_ Mahomet _the
+Saviour_, _as we have to prove our Jesus is_?  _And_, _could I think_,
+_that so many ten thousands_, _in so many countries and kingdoms_,
+_should be without the knowledge of the right way to heaven_, (_if there
+were indeed a heaven_); _and that we only_, _who live in a corner of the
+earth_, _should alone be blessed therewith_?  _Every one doth think his
+own religion rightest_, _both_ Jews _and_ Moors, _and_ Pagans; _and how
+if all our faith_, _and Christ_, _and scriptures_, _should be but a think
+so too_?
+
+98.  Sometimes I have endeavoured to argue against these suggestions, and
+to set some of the sentences of blessed _Paul_ against them; but alas! I
+quickly felt, when I thus did, such arguings as these would return again
+upon me, _Though we made so great a matter of Paul_, _and of his words_,
+_yet how could I tell_, _but that in very deed_, _he being a subtle and
+cunning man_, _might give himself up to deceive with strong delusions_:
+_and also take the pains and travel_, _to undo and destroy his fellows_.
+
+99.  These suggestions, (with many others which at this time I may not,
+and dare not utter, neither by word or pen,) did make such a seizure upon
+my spirit, and did so overweigh my heart, both with their number,
+continuance, and fiery force, that I felt as if there were nothing else
+but these from morning to night within me; and as though indeed there
+could be room for nothing else; and also concluded, that God had, in very
+wrath to my soul, given me up to them, to be carried away with them, as
+with a mighty whirlwind.
+
+100.  Only by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit, _I felt there
+was something in me that refused to embrace them_.  But this
+consideration I then only had, when God gave me leave to swallow my
+spittle; otherwise the noise, and strength, and force of these
+temptations would drown and overflow, and as it were, bury all such
+thoughts, or the remembrance of any such thing.  While I was in this
+temptation, I often found my mind suddenly put upon it to curse and
+swear, or to speak some grievous thing against God, or Christ His Son,
+and of the scriptures.
+
+101.  Now I thought, _surely I am possessed of the devil_: at other
+times, again, I thought I should be bereft of my wits; for instead of
+lauding and magnifying God the Lord, with others, if I have but heard Him
+spoken of, presently some most horrible blasphemous thought or other
+would bolt out of my heart against Him; so that whether I did think that
+God was, or again did think there was no such thing, no love, nor peace,
+nor gracious disposition could I feel within me.
+
+102.  These things did sink me into very deep despair; for I concluded
+that such things could not possibly be found amongst them that loved God.
+I often, when these temptations had been with force upon me, did compare
+myself to the case of such a child, whom some gipsy hath by force took up
+in her arms, and is carrying from friend and country.  Kick sometimes I
+did, and also shriek and cry; but yet I was bound in the wings of the
+temptation, and the wind would carry me away.  I thought also of Saul,
+and of the evil spirit that did possess him: and did greatly fear that my
+condition was the same with that of his.  1 Sam. x.
+
+103.  In these days, when I have heard others talk of what was the sin
+against the Holy Ghost, then would the tempter so provoke me to desire to
+sin that against sin, that I was as if I could not, must not, neither
+should be quiet until I had committed it; now no sin would serve but
+that.  If it were to be committed by speaking of such a word, then I have
+been as if my mouth would have spoken that word, whether I would or no;
+and in so strong a measure was this temptation upon me, that often I have
+been ready to clap my hand under my chin, to hold my mouth from opening;
+and to that end also, I have had thoughts at other times, to leap with my
+head downward, into some muckhill-hole or other, to keep my mouth from
+speaking.
+
+104.  Now again I beheld the condition of the dog and toad, and counted
+the estate of every thing that God had made, far better than this
+dreadful state of mine, and such as my companions were.  Yea, gladly
+would I have been in the condition of a dog or horse: for I knew they had
+no souls to perish under the everlasting weight of hell, or sin, as mine
+was like to do.  Nay, and though I saw this, felt this, and was broken to
+pieces with it; yet that which added to my sorrow was, I could not find,
+that with all my soul I did desire deliverance.  That scripture did also
+tear and rend my soul in the midst of these distractions, _The wicked are
+like the troubled sea_, _when it cannot rest_, _whose waters cast up mire
+and dirt_.  _There is no peace_, _saith my God_, _to the wicked_.  Isa.
+lvii. 20, 21.
+
+105.  And now my heart was, at times, exceeding hard; if I would have
+given a thousand pounds for a tear, I could not shed one: no nor
+sometimes scarce desire to shed one.  I was much dejected, to think that
+this would be my lot.  I saw some could mourn and lament their sin; and
+others again, could rejoice and bless God for Christ; and others again,
+could quietly talk of, and with gladness remember the word of God; while
+I only was in the storm or tempest.  This much sunk me, I thought my
+condition was alone, I should therefore much bewail my hard hap, but get
+out of, or get rid of these things, I could not.
+
+106.  While this temptation lasted, which was about a year, I could
+attend upon none of the ordinances of God, but with sore and great
+affliction.  Yea, then I was most distressed with blasphemies.  If I had
+been hearing the word, then uncleanness, blasphemies and despair would
+hold me a captive there: if I have been reading, then sometimes I had
+sudden thoughts to question all I read: sometimes again, my mind would be
+so strangely snatched away, and possessed with other things, that I have
+neither known, nor regarded, nor remembered so much as the sentence that
+but now I have read.
+
+107.  In prayer also I have been greatly troubled at this time; sometimes
+I have thought I have felt him behind me pulling my clothes: he would be
+also continually at me in time of prayer, to have done, break off, make
+haste, you have prayed enough, and stay no longer; still drawing my mind
+away.  Sometimes also he would cast in such wicked thoughts as these;
+that I must pray to him, or for him: I have thought sometimes of that,
+_Fall down_; or, _if thou wilt fall down and worship me_.  Matt. iii. 9.
+
+108.  Also, when because I have had wandering thoughts in the time of
+this duty, I have laboured to compose my mind, and fix it upon God; then
+with great force hath the tempter laboured to distract me, and confound
+me, and to turn away my mind, by presenting to my heart and fancy, the
+form of a bush, a bull, a besom, or the like, as if I should pray to
+these: To these he would also (at sometimes especially) so hold my mind,
+that I was as if I could think of nothing else, or pray to nothing else
+but to these, or such as they.
+
+109.  Yet at times I should have some strong and heart-affecting
+apprehensions of God, and the reality of the truth of His gospel.  But,
+oh! how would my heart, at such times, put forth itself with
+unexpressible groanings.  My whole soul was then in every word; I should
+cry with pangs after God, that He would be merciful unto me; but then I
+should be daunted again with such conceits as these: I should think that
+God did mock at these my prayers, saying, and that in the audience of the
+holy angels, _This poor simple wretch doth hanker after Me_, _as if I had
+nothing to do with My mercy_, _but to bestow it on such as he_.  _Alas_,
+_poor soul_! _how art thou deceived_!  _It is not for such as thee to
+have favour with the Highest_.
+
+110.  Then hath the tempter come upon me, also, with such discouragements
+as these: _You are very hot for mercy_, _but I will cool you_; _this
+frame shall not last always_: _many have been as hot as you for a spurt_,
+_but I have quenched their zeal_ (and with this, such and such, who were
+fallen off, would be set before mine eyes).  Then I should be afraid that
+I should do so too: But, thought I, I am glad this comes into my mind:
+well, I will watch, and take what care I can.  _Though you do_, said
+Satan, _I shall be too hard for you_; _I will cool you insensibly_, _by
+degrees_, _by little and little_.  _What care I_, saith he, _though I be
+seven years in chilling your heart_, _if I can do it at last_?
+_Continual rocking will lull a crying child asleep_: _I will ply it
+close_, _but I will have my end accomplished_.  _Though you be burning
+hot at present_, _I can pull you from this fire_; _I shall have you cold
+before it be long_.
+
+111.  These things brought me into great straits; for as I at present
+could not find myself fit for present death, so I thought, to live long,
+would make me yet more unfit; for time would make me forget all, and wear
+even the remembrance of the evil of sin, the worth of heaven, and the
+need I had of the blood of Christ to wash me, both out of mind and
+thought: but I thank Christ Jesus, these things did not at present make
+me slack my crying, but rather did put me more upon it (_like her who met
+with adulterer_, Deut. xxii. 26), in which days that was a good word to
+me, after I had suffered these things a while:—_I am persuaded that
+neither death_, _nor life_, _etc._, _shall be able to separate us from
+the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord_.  Rom. viii. 38, 39.
+And now I hoped long life would not destroy me, nor make me miss of
+heaven.
+
+112.  Yet I had some supports in this temptation, though they were then
+all questioned by me; that in _Jer. iii._ at the first was something to
+me; and so was the consideration of verse 5 of that chapter; that though
+we have spoken and done as evil things as we could, yet we should cry
+unto God, _My Father_, _Thou art the Guide of my youth_, and shall return
+unto Him.
+
+113.  I had, also, once a sweet glance from that in 2 Cor. v. 21:_ For He
+hath made Him to be sin for us_, _Who knew no sin_, _that we might be
+made the righteousness of God in Him_.  I remember that one day, as I was
+sitting in a neighbour’s house, and there very sad at the consideration
+of my many blasphemies; and as I was saying in my mind, _What ground have
+I to say that_, _who have been so vile and abominable_, _should ever
+inherit eternal life_?  That word came suddenly upon me, _What shall we
+say to these things_?  _If God be for us_, _who can be against us_? Rom.
+viii. 31.  That also was an help unto me, _Because I live_, _ye shall
+live also_.  John xiv. 19.  But these words were but hints, touches, and
+short visits, though very sweet when present; only they lasted not; but,
+_like to_ Peter’s _sheet_, _of a sudden were caught up from me_, _to
+heaven again_.  Acts x. 16.
+
+114.  But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously discover
+Himself unto me, and indeed, did quite, not only deliver me from the
+guilt that, by these things was laid upon my conscience, but also from
+the very filth thereof; for the temptation was removed, and I was put
+into my right mind again, as other Christians were.
+
+115.  I remember that one day, as I was travelling into the country, and
+musing on the wickedness and blasphemy of my heart, and considering the
+enmity that was in me to God, that scripture came into my mind, _Having
+made peace through the blood of His cross_.  Col. i. 20.  By which I was
+made to see, both again and again, that God and my soul were friends by
+His blood; yea, I saw that the justice of God, and my sinful soul could
+embrace and kiss each other, through His blood.  This was a good day to
+me; I hope I shall never forget it.
+
+116.  At another time, as I sat by the fire in my house, and was musing
+on my wretchedness, the Lord made that also a precious word unto me,
+_Forasmuch then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood_, _He
+also Himself likewise took part of the same_, _that through death He
+might destroy him that had the power of death_, _that is the devil_; _and
+deliver those who through fear of death_, _were all their lifetime
+subject to bondage_.  Heb. ii. 14, 15.  I thought that the glory of these
+words was then so weighty on me, that I was both once and twice ready to
+swoon as I sate; yet not with grief and trouble, but with solid joy and
+peace.
+
+117.  At this time also I sate under of holy Mr _Gifford_, whose
+doctrine, by God’s grace, was much for my stability.  This man made it
+much his business to deliver the people of God from all those false and
+unsound tests, that by nature we are prone to.  He would bid us take
+special heed, that we took not up any truth upon trust; as from this, or
+that, or any other man or men; but to cry mightily to God, that He would
+convince us of the reality thereof, and set us down therein by His own
+Spirit in the holy word; _For_, said he, _if you do otherwise_, _when
+temptations come_, _if strongly_, _you not having received them with
+evidence from heaven_, _will find you want that help and strength now to
+resist_, _that once you thought you had_.
+
+118.  This was as seasonable to my soul, as the former and latter rains
+in their season (for I had found, and that by sad experience, the truth
+of these his words: for I had felt _no man can say_, especially when
+tempted by the devil, _that Jesus Christ is Lord_, _but by the Holy
+Ghost_).  Wherefore I found my soul, through grace, very apt to drink in
+this doctrine, and to incline to pray to God, that in nothing that
+pertained to God’s glory, and my own eternal happiness, He would suffer
+me to be without the confirmation thereof from heaven; for now I saw
+clearly, there was an exceeding difference betwixt the notion of the
+flesh and blood, and the revelations of God in heaven: also a great
+difference betwixt that faith that is feigned, and according to man’s
+wisdom, and that which comes by a man’s being born thereto of God.  Matt.
+xvi. 15; 1 John v. 1.
+
+119.  But, oh! now, how was my soul led from truth to truth by God!  Even
+from the birth and cradle of the Son of God, to His accession, and second
+coming from heaven to judge the world!
+
+120.  Truly, I then found, upon this account, the great God was very good
+unto me; for, to my remembrance, there was not any thing that I then
+cried unto God to make known, and reveal unto me, but He was pleased to
+do it for me; I mean, not one part of the gospel of the Lord Jesus, but I
+was orderly led into it: methought I saw with great evidence, from the
+relation of the four evangelists, the wonderful work of God, in giving
+Jesus Christ to save us, from His conception and birth, even to His
+second coming to judgment: methought I was as if I had seen Him born, as
+if I had seen Him grow up; as if I had seen Him walk through this world,
+from the cradle to the cross; to which also, when He came, I saw how
+gently He gave Himself to be hanged, and nailed on it for my sins and
+wicked doings.  Also as I was musing on this His progress, that dropped
+on my spirit, _He was ordained for the slaughter_.  1 Peter i. 12, 20.
+
+121.  When I have considered also the truth of His resurrection, and have
+remembered that word, _Touch Me not_, _Mary_, etc., I have seen as if He
+had leaped out of the grave’s mouth, for joy that He was risen again, and
+had got the conquest over our dreadful foes.  John xx. 17.  I have also
+in the spirit, seen Him a man, on the right hand of God the Father for
+me; and have seen the manner of His coming from heaven, to judge the
+world with glory, and have been confirmed in these things by these
+scriptures following, Acts i. 9, 10, and vii. 56, and x. 42; Heb. vii. 24
+and ix. 28; Rev. i. 18; 1 Thess. iv. 17, 18.
+
+112.  Once I was troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus was man as well
+as God, and God as well as man: and truly, in those days, let men say
+what they would, unless I had it with evidence from heaven, all was
+nothing to me; I counted myself not set down in any truth of God.  Well,
+I was much troubled about this point, and could not tell how to be
+resolved; at last, that in Rev. v. 6 came into my mind: _And I beheld_,
+_and_, _to_, _in the midst of the throne_, _and of the four beasts_, _and
+in the midst of the elders_, _stood a Lamb_, _as it had been slain_.  In
+the midst of the throne, thought I, there is the Godhead; in the midst of
+the elders, there is His manhood; but, oh! methought this did glister!
+It was a goodly touch, and gave me sweet satisfaction.  That other
+scripture also did help me much in this, _For unto us a Child is born_,
+_unto us a Son is given_; _and the government shall be upon His
+shoulder_: _and His name shall be called Wonderful_, _Counsellor_, _the
+Mighty God_, _the Everlasting Father_, _the Prince of Peace_, etc.  Isa.
+ix. 6.
+
+123.  Also besides these teachings of God in His word, the Lord made use
+of two things to confirm me in this truth; the one was the errors of the
+Quakers and the other was the guilt of sin; for as the Quakers did oppose
+this truth, so God did the more confirm me in it, by leading me into the
+scripture that did wonderfully maintain it.
+
+124. The errors that this people then maintained, were:—
+
+‘1.  That the holy scriptures were not the word of God.
+
+‘2.  That every man in the world had the spirit of Christ, grace, faith,
+etc.
+
+‘3.  That Christ Jesus, as crucified, and dying sixteen hundred years
+ago, did not satisfy divine justice for the sins of the people.
+
+‘4.  That Christ’s flesh and blood were within the saints.
+
+‘5.  That the bodies of the good and bad that are buried in the
+church-yard, shall not arise again.
+
+‘6.  That the resurrection is past with good men already.
+
+‘7.  That that man Jesus, that was crucified between two thieves, on
+mount _Calvary_, in the land of _Canaan_, by _Jerusalem_, was not
+ascended above the starry heavens.
+
+‘8.  That He should not, even the same Jesus that died by the hands of
+the Jews, come again at the last day; and as man, judge all nations,’
+etc.
+
+125.  Many more vile and abominable things were in those days fomented by
+them, by which I was driven to a more narrow search of the scriptures,
+and was through their light and testimony, not only enlightened, but
+greatly confirmed and comforted in the truth: And, as I said, the guilt
+of sin did help me much; for still as that would come upon me, the blood
+of Christ did take it off again, and again, and again; and that too
+sweetly, according to the scripture.  _O friends_! _cry to God to reveal
+Jesus Christ unto you_; _there is none teacheth like Him_.
+
+126.  It would be too long here to stay, to tell you in particular, how
+God did set me down in all the things of Christ, and how He did, that He
+might so do, lead me into His words; yea, and also how He did open them
+unto me, and make them shine before me, and cause them to dwell with me,
+talk with me, and comfort me over and over, both of His own being, and
+the being of His Son, and Spirit, and word, and gospel.
+
+127.  Only this, as I said before, I will say unto you again, that in
+general, He was pleased to take this course with me; first, to suffer me
+to be afflicted with temptations concerning them, and then reveal them
+unto me; as sometimes I should lie under great guilt for sin, even
+crushed to the ground therewith; and then the Lord would show me the
+death of Christ; yea, so sprinkle my conscience with His blood, that I
+should find, and that before I was aware, that in that conscience, where
+but just now did reign and rage the law, even there would rest and abide
+the peace and love of God, through Christ.
+
+128.  Now I had an evidence, as I thought, of my salvation, from heaven,
+with many golden seals thereon, all hanging in my sight.  Now could I
+remember this manifestation, and the other discovery of grace, with
+comfort; and should often long and desire that the last day were come,
+that I might be for ever inflamed with the sight, and joy, and communion
+of Him, Whose head was crowned with thorns, Whose face was spit upon, and
+body broken, and soul made an offering for my sins.  For whereas before I
+lay continually trembling at the mouth of hell, now methought I was got
+so far therefrom, that I could not, when I looked back, scarce discern
+it!  And oh! thought I, that I were fourscore years old now, that I might
+die quickly, that my soul might be gone to rest.
+
+129.  But before I had got thus far out of these my temptations, I did
+greatly long to see some ancient godly man’s experience, who had writ
+some hundreds of years before I was born; for those who had writ in our
+days, I thought (but I desire them now to pardon me) that they had writ
+only that which others felt; or else had, through the strength of their
+wits and parts, studied to answer such objections as they perceived
+others were perplexed with, without going down themselves into the deep.
+Well, after many such longings in my mind, the God, in Whose hands are
+all our days and ways, did cast into my hand (one day) a book of _Martin
+Luther’s_; it was his Comment on the _Galatians_; it also was so old,
+that it was ready to fall piece from piece if I did but turn it over.
+Now I was pleased much that such an old book had fallen into my hand, the
+which when I had but a little way perused, I found my condition in his
+experience so largely and profoundly handled, as if his book had been
+written out of my heart.  This made me marvel: for thus thought I, _This
+man could not know any thing of the state of Christians now_, _but must
+needs write and speak the experience of former days_.
+
+130.  Besides, he doth most gravely also in that book, debate of the rise
+of these temptations, namely, blasphemy, desperation, and the like;
+showing that the law of _Moses_, as well as the devil, death, and hell,
+hath a very great hand therein: the which, at first, was very strange to
+me; but considering and watching, I found it so indeed.  But of
+particulars here, I intend nothing; only this methinks I must let fall
+before all men—I do prefer this book of _Martin Luther_ upon the
+_Galatians_ (excepting the Holy Bible) before all the books that ever I
+had seen, as most fit for a wounded conscience.
+
+131.  And now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christ dearly: Oh!
+methought my soul cleaved unto Him, my affections cleaved unto Him; I
+felt love to Him as hot as fire; and now, as _Job_ said, _I thought I
+should die in my nest_; but I did quickly find, that my great love was
+but little; and that I, who had, as I thought, such burning love to Jesus
+Christ, could let Him go again for a very trifle,—God can tell how to
+abase us, and can hide pride from man.  Quickly after this my love was
+tried to purpose.
+
+132.  For after the Lord had, in this manner, thus graciously delivered
+me from this great and sore temptation, and had set me down so sweetly in
+the faith of His holy gospel, and had given me such strong consolation
+and blessed evidence from heaven, touching my interest in His love
+through Christ; the tempter came upon me again, and that with a more
+grievous and dreadful temptation than before.
+
+133. And that was, _To sell and part with this most blessed Christ_, _to
+exchange Him for the things of this life_, _for any thing_.  The
+temptation lay upon me for the space of a year, and did follow me so
+continually, that I was not rid of it one day in a month: no, not
+sometimes one hour in many days together, unless when I was asleep.
+
+134.  And though, in my judgment, I was persuaded, that those who were
+once effectually in Christ (as I hoped, through His grace, I had seen
+myself) could never lose Him for ever; _The land shall not be sold for
+ever_, _for the land is mine_, saith God.  Lev. xxv. 23.  Yet it was a
+continual vexation to me, to think that I should have so much as one such
+thought within me against a Christ, a Jesus, that had done for me as He
+had done; and yet then I had almost none others, but such blasphemous
+ones.
+
+135.  But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet any desire
+and endeavour to resist, that in the least did shake or abate the
+continuation or force and strength thereof; for it did always, in almost
+whatever I thought, intermix itself therewith, in such sort, that I could
+neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop a stick, or cast mine eye to
+look on this or that, but still the temptation would come, _Sell Christ
+for this_, _or sell Christ for that_; _sell Him_, _sell Him_.
+
+136.  Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so little as a hundred
+times together, _Sell Him_, _sell Him_, _sell Him_: against which, I may
+say, for whole hours together, I have been forced to stand as continually
+leaning and forcing my spirit against it, lest haply, before I were
+aware, some wicked thought might arise in my heart, that might consent
+thereto; and sometimes the tempter would make me believe I had consented
+to it; but then I should be, as tortured upon a rack for whole days
+together.
+
+137.  This temptation did put me to such scares, lest I should at some
+times, I say, consent thereto, and be overcome therewith, that by the
+very force of my mind, in labouring to gainsay and resist this
+wickedness, my very body would be put into action or motion, by way of
+pushing or thrusting with my hands or elbows; still answering, as fast as
+the destroyer said, _Sell Him_; _I will not_, _I will not_, _I will not_,
+_I will not_; _no_, _not for thousands_, _thousands_, _thousands of
+worlds_: thus reckoning, lest I should, in the midst of these assaults,
+set too low a value on Him; even until I scarce well knew where I was, or
+how to be composed again.
+
+138.  At these seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet; but,
+forsooth, when I was set at the table at my meat, I must go hence to
+pray; I must leave my food now, just now, so counterfeit holy also would
+this devil be.  When I was thus tempted, I would say in myself, _Now I am
+at meat_; _let me make an end_.  No, said he, _you must do it now_, _or
+you will displease God_, _and despise Christ_.  Wherefore I was much
+afflicted with these things; and because of the sinfulness of my nature
+(imagining that these were impulses from God), I should deny to do it, as
+if I denied God, and then should I be as guilty, because I did not obey a
+temptation of the devil, as if I had broken the law of God indeed.
+
+139.  But to be brief: one morning as I did lie in my bed, I was, as at
+other times, most fiercely assaulted with this temptation, _To sell and
+part with Christ_; the wicked suggestion still running in my mind, _Sell
+Him_, _sell Him_, _sell Him_, _sell Him_, _sell Him_, as fast as a man
+could speak: against which also, in my mind, as at other times, I
+answered, _No_, _no_, _not for thousands_, _thousands_, _thousands_, at
+least twenty times together: but at last, after much striving, even until
+I was almost out of breath, I felt this thought pass through my heart,
+_Let Him go_, _if He will_; and I thought also, that I felt my heart
+freely consent thereto.  Oh! the diligence of Satan!  Oh! the
+desperateness of man’s heart!
+
+140.  Now was the battle won, and down fell I as a bird that is shot from
+the top of a tree, into great guilt, and fearful despair.  Thus getting
+out of my bed, I went moping into the field; but God knows, with as heavy
+a heart as mortal man, I think, could bear; where for the space of two
+hours, I was like a man bereft of life; and, as now, past all recovery,
+and bound over to eternal punishment.
+
+141.  And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul: _Or profane
+persons as Esau_, _who for one morsel of meat_, _sold his birthright_:
+_for ye know_, _how that afterward_, _when he would have inherited the
+blessing_, _he was rejected_; _for he found no place of repentance_,
+_though he sought it carefully with tears_.  Heb. xii. 16, 17.
+
+142.  Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut up unto the judgment to
+come; nothing now, for two years together, would abide with me, but
+damnation, and an expectation of damnation: I say, nothing now would
+abide with me but this, save some few moments for relief, as in the
+sequel you will see.
+
+143.  These words were to my soul, like fetters of brass to my legs, in
+the continual sound of which I went for several months together.  But
+about ten or eleven o’clock on that day, as I was walking under an hedge
+(full of sorrow and guilt, God knows), and bemoaning myself for this hard
+hap, that such a thought should arise within me, suddenly this sentence
+rushed in upon me, _The blood of Christ remits all guilt_.  At this I
+made a stand in my spirit: with that this word took hold upon me, _The
+blood of Jesus Christ His Son_, _cleanseth us from all sin_.  1 John i.
+7.
+
+144.  Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, and methought I saw, as
+if the tempter did leer and steal away from me, as being ashamed of what
+he had done.  At the same time also I had my sin, and the blood of
+Christ, thus represented to me, That my sin, when compared to the blood
+of Christ, was no more to it, than this little clod or stone before me,
+is to this vast and wide field that here I see.  This gave me good
+encouragement for the space of two or three hours; in which time also,
+methought, I saw, by faith, the Son of God, as suffering for my sins: but
+because it tarried not, I therefore sunk in my spirit, under exceeding
+guilt again.
+
+145.  But chiefly by the aforementioned scripture concerning _Esau’s_
+selling of his birthright; for that scripture would lie all day long, all
+the week long, yea, all the year long in my mind, and hold me down, so
+that I could by no means lift up myself; for when I would strive to turn
+to this scripture or that, for relief, still that sentence would be
+sounding in me; _For ye know_, _how that afterwards_, _when he would have
+inherited the blessing_, _he found no place of repentance_, _though he
+sought it carefully with tears_.
+
+146.  Sometimes, indeed, I should have a touch from that in Luke xxii.
+31, _I have prayed for thee that thy faith fail not_; but it would not
+abide upon me; neither could I, indeed, when I considered my state, find
+ground to conceive in the least, that there should be the root of that
+grace in me, having sinned as I had done.  Now was I tore and rent in an
+heavy case for many days together.
+
+147.  Then began I with sad and careful heart to consider of the nature
+and largeness of my sin, and to search into the word of God, if I could
+in any place espy a word of promise, or any encouraging sentence, by
+which I might take relief.  Wherefore I began to consider that of Mark
+iii. 28: _All sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men_, _and
+blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme_.  Which place,
+methought at a blush, did contain a large and glorious promise for the
+pardon of high offences; but considering the place more fully, I thought
+it was rather to be understood, as relating more chiefly to those who
+had, while in a natural estate, committed such things as there are
+mentioned; but not to me, who had not only received light and mercy, but
+that had both after, and also contrary to that, so slighted Christ as I
+had done.
+
+148.  I feared, therefore, that this wicked sin of mine, might be that
+sin unpardonable, of which He there thus speaketh.  _But he that shall
+blaspheme against the Holy Ghost_, _hath never forgiveness_, _but is in
+danger of eternal damnation_.  Mark iii. 29.  And I did the rather give
+credit to this, because of that sentence in the Hebrews: _For you know
+how that afterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he
+was rejected_; _for he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought
+it carefully with tears_.  And this stuck always with me.
+
+149.  And now was I both a burthen and a terror to myself; nor did I ever
+so know, as now, what it was to be weary of my life, and yet afraid to
+die.  Oh! how gladly now would I have been anybody but myself! anything
+but a man, and in any condition but my own!  For there was nothing did
+pass more frequently over my mind, than that it was impossible for me to
+be forgiven my transgression, and to be saved from the wrath to come.
+
+150.  And now I began to call again time that was spent; wishing a
+thousand times twice told, that the day was yet to come when I should be
+tempted to such a sin; concluding with great indignation, both against my
+heart, and all assaults, how I would rather have been torn in pieces,
+than be found a consenter thereto.  But alas! these thoughts, and
+wishings, and resolvings were now too late to help me; this thought had
+passed my heart, God hath let me go, and I am fallen.  Oh! thought I,
+_that it were with me as in months past_, _as in the days when God
+preserved me_!  Job xxix. 2.
+
+151.  Then again, being loth and unwilling to perish, I began to compare
+my sin with others to see if I could find that any of those that were
+saved, had done as I had done.  So I considered _David’s_ adultery, and
+murder, and found them most heinous crimes; and those too committed after
+light and grace received: but yet by considering that his transgressions
+were only such as were against the law of _Moses_, from which the Lord
+Christ could, with the consent of His word, deliver him: but mine was
+against the gospel; yea, against the Mediator thereof; I had sold my
+Saviour.
+
+152.  Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel, when I
+considered, that, besides the guilt that possessed me, I should be so
+void of grace, so bewitched.  What, thought I, must it be no sin but
+this?  Must it needs be the _great transgression_?  Ps. xix. 13.  Must
+_that wicked one_ touch my soul?  1 John v. 18.  Oh! what sting did I
+find in all these sentences?
+
+153.  What, thought I, is there but _one_ sin that is unpardonable? but
+_one_ sin that layeth the soul without the reach of God’s mercy; and must
+I be guilty of _that_? must it needs be that?  Is there but one _sin_
+among _so many_ millions of sins, for which there is no forgiveness; and
+must I commit this?  Oh! unhappy _sin_!  Oh! unhappy _man_!  These things
+would so break and confound my spirit, that I could not tell what to do;
+I thought at times, they would have broke my wits; and still, to
+aggravate my misery, that would run in my mind, _You know_, _how_, _that
+afterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was
+rejected_.  _Oh_! _no one knows the terrors of those days but myself_.
+
+154.  After this I began to consider of _Peter’s_ sin, which he committed
+in denying his Master: and indeed, this came nighest to mine of any that
+I could find, for he had denied his Saviour, as I, after light and mercy
+received; yea, and that too, after warning given him.  I also considered,
+that he did it both once and twice; and that, after time to consider
+betwixt.  But though I put all these circumstances together, that, if
+possible I might find help, yet I considered again, that his was but _a
+denial of his Master_, but mine was, _a selling of my Saviour_.
+Wherefore I thought with myself, that I came nearer to _Judas_, than
+either to _David_ or _Peter_.
+
+155.  Here again my torment would flame out and afflict me; yea, it would
+grind me, as it were to powder, to consider the preservation of God
+towards others, while I fell into the snare; for in my thus considering
+of other men’s sins, and comparing them with mine own, I could evidently
+see, God preserved them, notwithstanding their wickedness, and would not
+let them, as He had let me, become a son of perdition.
+
+156.  But oh! how did my soul at this time prize the preservation that
+God did set about His people!  Ah, how safely did I see them walk, whom
+God had hedged in!  They were within His care, protection, and special
+providence: though they were full as bad as I by nature; yet because He
+loved them, He would not suffer them to fall without the range of mercy:
+but as for me, I was gone, I had done it: He would not preserve me, nor
+keep me; but suffered me, because I was a reprobate, to fall as I had
+done.  Now did those blessed places that speak of God’s keeping His
+people, shine like the sun before me, though not to comfort me, yet to
+show me the blessed state and heritage of those whom the Lord had
+blessed.
+
+157.  Now I saw, that as God had His hand in all the providences and
+dispensations that overtook His elect; so He had His hand in all the
+temptations that they had to sin against Him; not to animate them to
+wickedness, but to choose their temptations and troubles for them; and
+also to leave them for a time, to such sins only that might not destroy,
+but humble them; as might not put them beyond, but lay them in the way of
+the renewing His mercy.  But oh! what love, what care, what kindness and
+mercy did I now see, mixing itself with the most severe and dreadful of
+all God’s ways to His people!  He would let _David_, _Hezekiah_,
+_Solomon_, _Peter_, and others, fall; but He would not let them fall into
+sin unpardonable, nor into hell for sin.  Oh! thought I, these be the men
+that God hath loved; these be the men that God, though He chastiseth
+them, keeps them in safety by Him; and them whom He makes to abide under
+the shadow of the Almighty.  But all these thoughts added sorrow, grief,
+and horror to me, as whatever I now thought on, it was killing to me.  If
+I thought how God kept His own, that was killing to me; if I thought of
+how I was fallen myself, that was killing to me.  As all things wrought
+together for the best, and to do good to them that were the called,
+according to His purpose, so I thought that all things wrought for my
+damage, and for my eternal overthrow.
+
+158.  Then again I began to compare my sin with the sin of _Judas_, that,
+if possible, I might find if mine differed from that, which in truth is
+unpardonable: and oh! thought I, if it should differ from it, though but
+the breadth of an hair, what a happy condition is my soul in!  And by
+considering, I found that _Judas_ did this intentionally, but mine was
+against my prayer and strivings: besides, his was committed with much
+deliberation, but mine in a fearful hurry, on a sudden: all this while I
+was tossed to and fro like the locusts, and driven from trouble to
+sorrow; hearing always the sound of _Esau’s_ fall in mine ears, and the
+dreadful consequences thereof.
+
+159.  Yet this consideration about _Judas’s_ sin was, for awhile, some
+little relief to me; for I saw I had not, as to the circumstances,
+transgressed so fully as he.  But this was quickly gone again, for I
+thought with myself, there might be more ways than one to commit this
+unpardonable sin; also I thought there might be degrees of that, as well
+as of other transgressions; wherefore, for aught I yet could perceive,
+this iniquity of mine might be such, as might never be passed by.
+
+160.  I was often now ashamed that I should be like such an ugly man as
+Judas: I thought also how loathsome I should be unto all the saints at
+the day of judgment: insomuch that now I could scarce see a good man,
+that I believed had a good conscience, but I should feel my heart tremble
+at him, while I was in his presence.  Oh! now I saw a glory in walking
+with God, and what a mercy it was to have a good conscience before Him.
+
+161.  I was much about that time tempted to content myself by receiving
+some false opinion; as, that there should be no such thing as a day of
+judgment; that we should not rise again; and that sin was no such
+grievous thing: the tempter suggesting thus: _For if these things should
+indeed be true_, _yet to believe otherwise would yield you ease for the
+present_.  _If you must perish_, _never torment yourself so much
+beforehand_: _drive the thoughts of damning out of your mind_, _by
+possessing your mind with some such conclusions that_ Atheists _and_
+Ranters _use to help themselves withal_.
+
+162.  But oh! when such thoughts have led through my heart, how, as it
+were, within a step, hath death and judgment been in my view! methought
+the judge stood at the door; I was as if it was come already; so that
+such things could have no entertainment.  But methinks, I see by this,
+that Satan will use any means to keep the soul from Christ; he loveth not
+an awakened frame of spirit; security, blindness, darkness, and error, is
+the very kingdom and habitation of the wicked one.
+
+163.  I found it a hard work now to pray to God, because despair was
+swallowing me up; I thought I was as with a tempest driven away from God;
+for always when I cried to God for mercy, this would come in, ’_Tis too
+late_, _I am lost_, _God hath let me fall_; _not to my correction_, _but
+condemnation_: _my sin is unpardonable_; _and I know_, _concerning Esau_,
+_how that after he had sold his birthright_, _he would have received the
+blessing_, _but was rejected_.  About this time I did light on that
+dreadful story of that miserable mortal Francis Spira; a book that was to
+my troubled spirit, as salt, when rubbed into a fresh wound: every
+sentence in that book, every groan of that man, with all the rest of his
+actions in his dolours, as his tears, his prayers, his gnashing of teeth,
+his wringing of hands, his twining and twisting, and languishing, and
+pining away under that mighty hand of God that was upon him, were as
+knives and daggers in my soul; especially that sentence of his was
+frightful to me, _Man knows the beginning of sin_? _but who bounds the
+issues thereof_?  Then would the former sentence, as the conclusion of
+all, fall like an hot thunderbolt again upon my conscience; _For you know
+how that afterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he
+was rejected_; _for he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought
+it carefully with tears_.
+
+164.  Then should I be struck into a very great trembling, insomuch that
+at sometimes I could, for whole days together, feel my very body, as well
+as my mind, to shake and totter under the sense of this dreadful judgment
+of God, that should fall on those that have sinned that most fearful and
+unpardonable sin.  I felt also such a clogging and heat at my stomach, by
+reason of this my terror, that I was, especially at some times, as if my
+breast-bone would split asunder; then I thought of that concerning Judas,
+who by _falling headlong_, _he burst asunder in the midst_, _and all his
+bowels gushed out_.  Acts i. 18.
+
+165.  I feared also that this was the mark that the Lord did set on
+_Cain_, even continual fear and trembling, under the heavy load of guilt
+that he had charged on him for the blood of his brother _Abel_.  Thus did
+I wind, and twine, and shrink under the burthen that was upon me; which
+burthen also did so oppress me, that I could neither stand, nor go, nor
+lie, either at rest or quiet.
+
+166.  Yet that saying would sometimes come into my mind, _He hath
+received gifts for the rebellious_.  Psalm lxviii. 18.  The _rebellious_,
+thought I! why surely they are such as once were under subjection to
+their Prince; even those who after they have sworn subjection to His
+government, have taken up arms against Him; and this, thought I, is my
+very condition: I once loved Him, feared Him, served Him; but now I am a
+rebel; I have sold Him, I have said, _Let Him go_, _if He will_; but yet
+He has gifts for rebels; and then why not for me?
+
+167.  This sometimes I thought on, and should labour to take hold
+thereof, that some, though small refreshment, might have been conceived
+by me; but in this also I missed of my desire; I was driven with force
+beyond it; I was like a man going to execution, even by _that_ place
+where he would fain creep in and hide himself, but may not.
+
+168.  Again, after I had thus considered the sins of the _saints_ in
+particular, and found _mine_ went beyond them, then I began to think with
+myself, Set the case I should put _all theirs_ together, and _mine alone_
+against them, might I not then find some encouragement? for if _mine_,
+though bigger than any one, yet should be but equal to all, then there is
+hopes; for that blood that hath virtue enough in it to wash away all
+theirs, had virtue enough in it to do away mine, though this one be full
+as big, if not bigger than all theirs.  Here again, I should consider the
+sin of _David_, of _Solomon_, of _Manasseh_, of _Peter_, and the rest of
+the great offenders; and should also labour, what I might with fairness,
+to aggravate and heighten their sins by several circumstances.
+
+169.  I should think with myself that _David_ shed blood to cover his
+adultery, and that by the sword of the children of _Ammon_; a work that
+could not be done, but by continuance, deliberate contrivance, which was
+a great aggravation to his sin.  But then this would turn upon me: Ah!
+but these were but sins against the law, from which there was a Jesus
+sent to save them; but yours is a sin against the Saviour, and who shall
+save you from that?
+
+170.  Then I thought on _Solomon_, and how he sinned in loving strange
+women, falling away to their idols, in building them temples, in doing
+this after light, in his old age, after great mercy received: but the
+same conclusion that cut me off in the former consideration, cut me off
+as to this; namely, that all those were but sins against the law, for
+which God had provided a remedy; _but I had sold my Saviour_, and there
+remained no more sacrifice for sin.
+
+171.  I would then add to these men’s sins, the sins of _Manasseh_; how
+that he built altars for idols in the house of the Lord; he also observed
+times, used enchantments, had to do with wizards, was a wizard, had his
+familiar spirits, burned his children in the fire in sacrifice to devils,
+and made the streets of _Jerusalem_ run down with the blood of innocents.
+These, thought I, are great sins, sins of a bloody colour, but yet it
+would turn again upon me, _They are none of them of the nature of yours_;
+_you have parted with Jesus_, _you have sold your Saviour_.
+
+172.  This one consideration would always kill my heart, _my sin was
+point blank against my Saviour_; and that too, at that height, that I had
+in my heart said of Him, _Let Him go_, _if He will_.  Oh! methought this
+sin was bigger than the sins of a country, of a kingdom, or of the whole
+world, _no_ one pardonable; nor _all_ of them together, was able to equal
+mine; mine out-went them every one.
+
+173.  Now I should find my mind to flee from God, as from the face of a
+dreadful judge, yet this was my torment, I could not escape His hand:
+(_It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God_.
+Hebrew x.)  But, blessed be His grace, that scripture, in these flying
+fits, would call, as running after me, _I have blotted out_, _as a thick
+cloud_, _thy transgressions_; _and as a cloud_, _thy sins_: _return unto
+Me_, _for I have redeemed thee_.  Isaiah xliv. 22.  This, I say, would
+come in upon my mind, when I was fleeing from the face of God; for I did
+flee from His face; that is, my mind and spirit fled before Him; by
+reason of His highness, I could not endure: then would the text cry,
+_Return unto Me_; it would cry aloud with a very great voice, _Return
+unto Me_, _for I have redeemed thee_.  Indeed, this would make me make a
+little stop, and, as it were, look over my shoulder behind me, to see if
+I could discern that the God of grace did follow me with a pardon in His
+hand; but I could no sooner do that, but all would be clouded and
+darkened again by that sentence, _For you know_, _how that afterwards_,
+_when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he found no place of
+repentance_, _though he sought it carefully with tears_.  Wherefore I
+could not refrain, but fled, though at some times it cried, _Return_,
+_return_, as if it did hollow after me: but I feared to close in
+therewith, lest it should not come from God; for that other, as I said,
+was still sounding in my conscience, _For you know that afterwards_,
+_when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was rejected_, _etc._
+
+174.  Once as I was walking to and fro in a good man’s shop, bemoaning of
+myself in my sad and doleful state, afflicting myself with
+self-abhorrence for this wicked and ungodly thought; lamenting also this
+hard hap of mine for that I should commit so great a sin, greatly fearing
+that I should not be pardoned; praying also in my heart, that if this sin
+of mine did differ from that against the Holy Ghost, the Lord would show
+it me.  And being now ready to sink with fear, suddenly there was, as if
+there had rushed in at the window, the noise of wind upon me, but very
+pleasant, and as if I heard a voice speaking, _Did’st thou ever refuse to
+be justified by the blood of Christ_? and withal, my whole life of
+profession past, was in a moment opened to me, wherein I was made to see,
+that designedly I had not: so my heart answered groaningly, _No_.  Then
+fell, with power, that word of God upon me, _See that ye refuse not Him
+that speaketh_.  Hebrew xii. 25.  This made a strange seizure upon my
+spirit; it brought light with it, and commanded a silence in my heart, of
+all those tumultuous thoughts, that did before use, like masterless
+hell-hounds, to roar and bellow, and make an hideous noise within me.  It
+showed me also that Jesus Christ had yet a word of grace and mercy for
+me, that He had not, as I had feared, quite forsaken and cast off my
+soul; yea, this was a kind of chide for my proneness to desperation; a
+kind of threatening of me, if I did not, notwithstanding my sins, and the
+heinousness of them, venture my salvation upon the Son of God.  But as to
+my determining about this strange dispensation, what it was, I know not;
+or from whence it came, I know not; I have not yet in twenty years’ time
+been able to make a judgment of it; _I thought then what here I should be
+loth to speak_.  But verily that sudden rushing wind was, as if an angel
+had come upon me; but both it, and the salutation, I will leave until the
+day of judgment: only this I say, it commanded a great calm in my soul;
+it persuaded me there might be hope: it showed me, as I thought, what the
+sin unpardonable was, and that my soul had yet the blessed privilege to
+flee to Jesus Christ for mercy.  But I say, concerning this dispensation;
+I know not yet what to say unto it; which was also, in truth, the cause,
+that at first I did not speak of it in the book; I do now also leave it
+to be thought on by men of sound judgment.  I lay not the stress of my
+salvation thereupon, but upon the Lord Jesus, in the promise; yet seeing
+I am here unfolding of my secret things, I thought it might not be
+altogether inexpedient to let this also show itself, though I cannot now
+relate the matter as there I did experience it.  This lasted in the
+savour of it for about three or four days, and then I began to mistrust,
+and to despair again.
+
+175.  Wherefore still my life hung in doubt before me, not knowing which
+way I should tip; only this I found my soul desire, even to cast itself
+at the foot of grace, by prayer and supplication.  But oh! ’twas hard for
+me now, to have the face to pray to this Christ for mercy, against Whom I
+had thus most vilely sinned: ’twas hard work, I say, to offer to look Him
+in the face, against Whom I had so vilely sinned; and indeed, I have
+found it as difficult to come to God by prayer, after backsliding from
+Him, as to do any other thing.  Oh! the shame that did now attend me!
+especially when I thought, I am now a-going to pray to Him for mercy,
+that I had so lightly esteemed but a while before!  I was ashamed; yea,
+even confounded, because this villany had been committed by me: but I saw
+that there was but one way with me; I must go to Him, and humble myself
+unto Him, and beg that He, of His wonderful mercy, would show pity to me,
+and have mercy upon my wretched sinful soul.
+
+176.  Which, when the tempter perceived, he strongly suggested to me,
+_That I ought not to pray to God_, _for prayer was not for any in my
+case_; _neither could it do me good_, _because I had rejected the
+Mediator_, _by Whom all prayers came with acceptance to God the Father_;
+_and without Whom_, _no prayer could come into His presence_: _wherefore
+now to pray_, _is but to add sin to sin_; _yea_, _now to pray_, _seeing
+God has cast you off_, _is the next way to anger and offend Him more than
+you ever did before_.
+
+177.  _For God_ (saith he) _hath been weary of you for these several
+years already_, _because you are none of His_; _your bawlings in His
+ears_, _hath been no pleasant voice to Him_; _and therefore He let you
+sin this sin_, _that you might be quite cut off_; _and will you pray
+still_?  This the devil urged, and set forth that in _Numbers_, when
+_Moses_ said to the children _of Israel_, _That because they would not go
+up to possess the land_, _when God would have them_, _therefore for ever
+after He did bar them out from thence_, _though they prayed they might
+with tears_.  Numbers xiv. 36, 37, etc.
+
+178.  As it is said in another place, Exodus xxi. 14, _The man that sins
+presumptuously shall be taken from God’s altar_, _that he may die_; even
+as _Joab_ was by King _Solomon_, when he thought to find shelter there.
+1 Kings ii. 27, 28, etc.  These places did pinch me very sore; yet my
+case being desperate, I thought with myself, I can but die; and if it
+must be so, it shall once be said, _That such an one died at the foot of
+Christ in prayer_.  This I did, but with great difficulty, God doth know;
+and that because, together with this, still that saying about _Esau_
+would be set at my heart, even like a flaming sword, to keep the way of
+the tree of life, lest I should take thereof and live.  Oh! who knows how
+hard a thing I found it, to come to God in prayer!
+
+179.  I did also desire the prayers of the people of God for me, but I
+feared that God would give them no heart to do it; yea I trembled in my
+soul to think, that some or other of them would shortly tell me, that God
+hath said those words to them, that He once did say to the prophet
+concerning the children of Israel, _Pray not for this people_, _for I
+have rejected them_.  Jeremiah xi. 14.  So, _Pray not for him_, _for I
+have rejected him_, yea, I thought that He had whispered this to some of
+them already, only they durst not tell me so; neither durst I ask them of
+it, for fear if it should be so, it would make me quite beside myself:
+_Man knows the beginning of sin_ (said Spira), _but who bounds the issues
+thereof_?
+
+180.  About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind to an
+ancient Christian, and told him all my case: I told him also, that I was
+afraid that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost; and he told me,
+_He thought so too_.  Here therefore I had but cold comfort; but talking
+a little more with him, I found him, though a good man, a stranger to
+much combat with the devil.  Wherefore I went to God again, as well as I
+could, for mercy still.
+
+                     [Picture: Bunyan seeks Comfort]
+
+181.  Now also did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery, saying,
+_That seeing I had thus parted with the Lord Jesus_, _and provoked Him to
+displeasure_, _Who would have stood between my soul and the flame of
+devouring fire_, _there was now but one way_; _and that was_, to pray
+that God the Father would be a Mediator betwixt His Son and me; _that we
+might be reconciled again_, _and that I might have that blessed benefit
+in Him_, _that His blessed saints enjoyed_.
+
+182.  Then did that scripture seize upon my soul, _He is of one mind_,
+_and who can turn Him_!  Oh! I saw, it was as easy to persuade Him to
+make a new world, a new covenant, or a new Bible, besides that we have
+already, as to pray for such a thing.  This was to persuade Him, that
+what He had done already was mere folly, and persuade Him to alter, yea,
+to disannul the whole way of salvation.  And then would that saying rend
+my soul asunder; _Neither is there salvation in any other_; _for there is
+none other name under heaven given among men whereby we must be saved_.
+Acts iv. 12.
+
+183.  Now the most free, and full and gracious words of the gospel, were
+the greatest torment to me; yea, nothing so afflicted me, as the thoughts
+of Jesus Christ, the remembrance of a Saviour; because I had cast Him
+off, brought forth the villany of my sin, and my loss by it, to mind;
+nothing did twinge my conscience like this: every time that I thought of
+the Lord Jesus, of His grace, love, goodness, kindness, gentleness,
+meekness, death, blood, promises, and blessed exhortations, comforts, and
+consolations, it went to my soul like a sword; for still unto these my
+considerations of the Lord Jesus, these thoughts would make place for
+themselves in my heart: _Aye_, _this is the Jesus_, _the loving Saviour_,
+_the Son of God_, _Whom you have parted with_, _Whom you have slighted_,
+_despised_, _and abused_.  _This is the only Saviour_, _the only
+Redeemer_, _the only One that could so love sinners_, _as to wash them
+from their sins in His own most precious blood_; _but you have no part
+nor lot in this Jesus_: _you have put Him from you_; _you have said in
+your heart_, Let Him go, if He will.  _Now_, _therefore_, _you are
+severed from Him_; _you have severed yourself from Him_: _behold then His
+goodness_, _but yourself to be no partaker of it_.  Oh! thought I, what
+have I lost, what have I parted with!  What has disinherited my poor
+soul!  Oh! ’tis sad to be destroyed by the grace and mercy of God; to
+have the Lamb, the Saviour, turn lion and destroyer.  Rev. vi.  I also
+trembled, as I have said, at the sight of the saints of God, especially
+at those that greatly loved Him, and that made it their business to walk
+continually with Him in this world; for they did, both in their words,
+their carriages, and all their expressions of tenderness and fear to sin
+against their precious Saviour, condemn, lay guilt upon, and also add
+continual affliction and shame upon my soul.  _The dread of them was upon
+me_, _and I trembled at God’s Samuels_.  1 Sam. xvi. 4.
+
+184.  Now also the tempter began afresh to mock my soul another way,
+saying, _That Christ indeed did pity my case_, _and was sorry for my
+loss_; _but forasmuch as I had sinned and transgressed as I had done_,
+_He could by no means help me_, _nor save me from what I feared_: _for my
+sin was not of the nature of theirs_, _for Whom He bled and died_;
+_neither was it counted with those that were laid to His charge_, _when
+He hanged on a tree_: _therefore_, _unless He should come down from
+heaven_, _and die anew for this sin_, _though indeed He did greatly pity
+me_, _yet I could have no benefit of Him_.  These things may seem
+ridiculous to others, even as ridiculous as they were in themselves, but
+to me they were most tormenting cogitations: every one of them augmented
+my misery, that Jesus Christ should have so much love as to pity me, when
+yet He could not help me; nor did I think that the reason why He could
+not help me, was, because His merits were weak, or His grace and
+salvation spent on others already, but because His faithfulness to His
+threatening, would not let Him extend His mercy to me.  Besides, I
+thought, as I have already hinted, that my sin was not within the bounds
+of that pardon, that was wrapped up in a promise; and if not, then I knew
+assuredly, that it was more easy for heaven and earth to pass away, than
+for me to have eternal life.  So that the ground of all these fears of
+mine did arise from a steadfast belief I had of the stability of the holy
+word of God, and also from my being misinformed of the nature of my sin.
+
+185.  But oh! how this would add to my affliction, to conceit that I
+should be guilty of such a sin, for which He did not die.  These thoughts
+would so confound me, and imprison me, and tie me up from faith, that I
+knew not what to do.  But oh! thought I, that He would come down again!
+Oh! that the work of man’s redemption was yet to be done by Christ! how
+would I pray Him and entreat Him to count and reckon this sin among the
+rest for which He died!  But this scripture would strike me down as dead;
+_Christ being raised from the dead_, _dieth no more_; _death hath no more
+dominion over Him_.  Rom. vi. 9.
+
+186.  Thus, by the strange and unusual assaults of the tempter, my soul
+was like a broken vessel, driven as with the winds, and tossed sometimes
+headlong into despair; sometimes upon the covenant of works, and
+sometimes to wish that the new covenant, and the conditions thereof,
+might so far forth, as I thought myself concerned, be turned another way,
+and changed, _But in all these_, _I was as those that jostle against the
+rocks_; _more broken_, _scattered and rent_.  Oh! the un-thought-of
+imaginations, frights, fears, and terrors, that are affected by a
+thorough application of guilt yielding to desperation!  _This is the man
+that hath his dwelling among the tombs with the dead_; _that is always
+crying out_, _and cutting himself with stones_.  Mark v. 1, 2, 3.  But, I
+say, all in vain; desperation will not comfort him, the old covenant will
+not save him: nay, heaven and earth shall pass away, before one jot or
+tittle of the word and law of grace will fail or be removed.  This I saw,
+this I felt, and under this I groaned; yet this advantage I got thereby,
+namely, a farther confirmation of the certainty of the way of salvation;
+and that the scriptures were the word of God.  Oh! I cannot now express
+what then I saw and felt of the steadiness of Jesus Christ, the rock of
+man’s salvation: What was done, could not be undone, added to, nor
+altered.  I saw, indeed, that sin might drive the soul beyond Christ,
+even the sin which is unpardonable; but woe to him that was so driven,
+for the word would shut him out.
+
+187.  Thus I was always sinking, whatever I did think or do.  So one day
+I walked to a neighbouring town, and sate down upon a settle in the
+street, and fell into a very deep pause about the most fearful state my
+sin had brought me to; and after long musing, I lifted up I sat my head,
+but methought I saw, as if the sun that shineth in the heavens did grudge
+to give light; and as if the very stones in the street, and tiles upon
+the houses, did bend themselves against me.  Methought that they all
+combined together to banish me out of the world.  I was abhorred of them,
+and unfit to dwell among them, or be partaker of their benefits, because
+I had sinned against the Saviour.  O how happy now was every creature
+over I was!  For they stood fast, and kept their station, but I was gone
+and lost.
+
+188.  Then breaking out in the bitterness of my soul, I said to myself
+with a grievous sigh, _How can God comfort such a wretch_!  I had no
+sooner said it, but this returned upon me, as an echo doth answer a
+voice: _This sin is not unto death_.  At which I was, as if I had been
+raised out of the grave, and cried out again, _Lord_, _how couldst Thou
+find out such a word as this_!  For I was filled with admiration at the
+fitness, and at the unexpectedness of the sentence; the fitness of the
+word, the rightness of the timing of it; the power, and sweetness, and
+light, and glory that came with it also, were marvellous to me to find: I
+was now, for the time, out of doubt, as to that about which I was so much
+in doubt before; my fears before _were_, that my sin was not pardonable,
+and so that I had no right to pray, to repent, etc., or that, if I did,
+it would be of no advantage or profit to me.  But now, thought I, if
+_this sin_ is not unto death, then it is pardonable; therefore from this
+I have encouragement to come to God by Christ for mercy, to consider the
+promise of forgiveness, as that which stands with open arms to receive me
+as well as others.  This therefore was a great easement to my mind, to
+wit, that my sin was pardonable, that it was not the sin unto death (1
+John v. 16, 17).  None but those that know what my trouble (by their own
+experience) was, can tell what relief came to my soul by this
+consideration: it was a release to me from my former bonds, and a shelter
+from the former storm: I seemed now to stand upon the same ground with
+other sinners, and to have as good right to the word and prayer as any of
+they.
+
+189.  Now I say, I was in hopes that my sin was not unpardonable, but
+that there might be hopes for me to obtain forgiveness.  But oh! how
+Satan did now lay about him for to bring me down again!  But he could by
+no means do it, neither this day, nor the most part of the next, for this
+good sentence stood like a mill-post at my back: yet towards the evening
+of the next day, I felt this word begin to leave me, and to withdraw its
+supportation from me, and so I returned to my old fears again, but with a
+great deal of grudging and peevishness, for I feared the sorrow of
+despair; nor could my faith now long retain this word.
+
+190.  But the next day at evening, being under many fears, I went to seek
+the Lord, and as I prayed, I cried, and my soul cried to Him in these
+words, with strong cries: _O Lord_, _I beseech Thee_, _show me that Thou
+hast loved me with everlasting love_.  Jer. xxxi. 3.  I had no sooner
+said it, but with sweetness this returned upon me, as an echo, or
+sounding again, _I have loved thee with an everlasting love_.  Now I went
+to bed in quiet; also when I awakened the next morning, it was fresh upon
+my soul; and I believed it.
+
+191.  But yet the tempter left me not; for it could not be so little as
+an hundred times, that he that day did labour to then break my peace.
+Oh! the combats and conflicts that I did then meet with; as I strove to
+hold by this word, that of _Esau_ would fly in my face like lightning: I
+should be sometimes up and down twenty times in an hour; yet God did bear
+me up, and keep my heart upon this word; from which I had also, for
+several days together, very much sweetness, and comfortable hopes of
+pardon: for thus it was made out unto me, _I loved thee whilst thou wast
+committing this sin_, _I loved thee before_, _I love thee still_, _and I
+will love thee for ever_.
+
+192.  Yet I saw my sin most barbarous, and a filthy crime, and could not
+but conclude, and that with great shame and astonishment, that I had
+horribly abused the holy Son of God: wherefore I felt my soul greatly to
+love and pity Him, and my bowels to yearn towards Him; for I saw He was
+still my friend, and did reward me good for evil; yea, the love and
+affection that then did burn within to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ,
+did work at this time such a strong and hot desire of revengement upon
+myself for the abuse I had done unto Him, that to speak as I then
+thought, had I had a thousand gallons of blood within my veins, I could
+freely then have spilt it all, at the command and feet of this my Lord
+and Saviour.
+
+193.  And as I was thus in musing, and in my studies, considering how to
+love the Lord, and to express my love to Him, that saying came in upon
+me, _If Thou_, _Lord_, _shouldst mark iniquities_, _O Lord_, _who should
+stand_?  _But there is forgiveness with Thee_, _that Thou mayest be
+feared_.  Psalm cxxx. 3, 4.  These were good words to me, especially the
+latter part thereof; to wit, that there is forgiveness with the Lord,
+that He might be feared; that is, as then I understood it, that He might
+be loved, and had in reverence; for it was thus made out to me, _That the
+great God did set so high an esteem upon the love of His poor creatures_,
+_that rather than He would go without their love_, _He would pardon their
+transgressions_.
+
+194.  And now was that word fulfilled on me, and I was also refreshed by
+it; _That thou mayest remember and be confounded_, _and never open thy
+mouth any more_, _because of thy shame_, _when I am pacified toward thee
+for all that thou hast done_, _saith the Lord God_.  Ezek. xvi. 63.  Thus
+was my soul at this time (and as I then did think for ever) set at
+liberty from being afflicted with my former guilt and amazement.
+
+195.  But before many weeks were gone, I began to despond again, fearing,
+lest, notwithstanding all that I had enjoyed, that I might be deceived
+and destroyed at the last; for this consideration came strong into my
+mind, _That whatever comfort and peace I thought I might have from the
+word of the promise of life_, _yet unless there could be found in my
+refreshment_, _a concurrence and agreement in the scriptures_, _let me
+think what I will thereof_, _and hold it never so fast_, _I should find
+no such thing at the end_; _And the scripture cannot be broken_.  John x.
+35.
+
+196.  Now began my heart again to ache, and fear I might meet with a
+disappointment at last.  Wherefore I began with all seriousness to
+examine my former comfort, and to consider whether one that had sinned as
+I had done, might with confidence trust upon the faithfulness of God,
+laid down in those words, by which I had been comforted, and on which I
+had leaned myself: but now were brought those sayings to my mind.  _For
+it is impossible for those who were once enlightened_, _and have tasted
+of the heavenly gift_, _and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost_, _and
+have tasted the good word of God_, _and the powers of the world to come_,
+_if they shall fall away_, _to renew them again unto repentance_.  Heb.
+vi. 4–6.  _For_, _if we sin wilfully_, _after we have received the
+knowledge of the truth_, _there remains no more sacrifice for sin_, _but
+a certain fearful looking for of judgment_, _and fiery indignation_,
+_which shall devour the adversaries_.  Heb. x. 26, 27.  _As Esau_, _who
+for one morsel of meat_, _sold his birthright_.  _For ye know how that
+afterward_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was
+rejected_; _for he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought it
+carefully with tears_.  Heb. xii. 16, 17.
+
+197.  Now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul; so that no
+promise or encouragement was to be found in the Bible for me: and now
+would that saying work upon my spirit to afflict me, _Rejoice not_, _O
+Israel_, _for joy_, _as other people_.  Hos. ix. 1.  For I saw indeed,
+there was cause of rejoicing for those that held to Jesus; but for me, I
+had cut myself off by my transgressions, and left myself neither
+foot-hold, or hand-hold, among all the stays and props in the precious
+word of life.
+
+198.  And truly, I did now feel myself to sink into a gulph, as an house
+whose foundation is destroyed; I did liken myself in this condition, unto
+the case of some child that was fallen into a mill-pit, who though it
+could make some shift to scramble and sprawl in the water, yet because it
+could find neither hold for hand nor foot, therefore at last it must die
+in that condition.  So soon as this fresh assault had fastened on my
+soul, that scripture came into my heart, This _for many days_.  Dan. x.
+14.  And indeed I found it was so; for I could not be delivered, nor
+brought to peace again, until well nigh two years and a half were
+completely finished.  Wherefore these words, though in themselves, they
+tended to discouragement, yet to me, who feared this condition would be
+eternal, they were at some times as an help and refreshment to me.
+
+199.  For, thought I, _many days_ are not for ever, _many days_ will have
+an end; therefore seeing I was to be afflicted not a few but _many days_,
+yet I was glad it was but _for many days_.  Thus, I say, I would recall
+myself sometimes, and give myself an help, for as soon as ever the words
+came into my mind, at first, I knew my trouble would be long, yet this
+would be but sometimes; for I could not always think on this, nor ever be
+helped by it, though I did.
+
+200.  Now while the scriptures lay before me, and laid sin anew at my
+door, that saying, in Luke xviii. 1, with others, did encourage me to
+prayer: then the tempter laid again at me very sore, suggesting, _That
+neither the mercy of God_, _nor yet the blood of Christ_, _did at all
+concern me_, _nor could they help me for my sin_; _therefore it was but
+in vain to pray_.  Yet, thought I, _I will pray_.  _But_, said the
+tempter, _your sin is unpardonable_.  Well, said I, _I will pray_.  ’Tis
+to no boot, said he.  Yet said I, _I will pray_.  So I went to prayer to
+God; and while I was at prayer, I uttered words to this effect: _Lord_,
+_Satan tells me_, _that neither Thy mercy_, _nor Christ’s blood_, _is
+sufficient to save my soul_: _Lord_, _shall I honour Thee most_, _by
+believing Thou wilt_, _and canst_? _or him_, _by believing Thou neither
+wilt not nor canst_?  _Lord_, _I would fain honour Thee_, _by believing
+Thou wilt and canst_.
+
+201.  And as I was thus before the Lord, that scripture fastened on my
+heart (O man, great is thy faith), Matt. xv. 28, even as if one had
+clapped me on the back, as I was on my knees before God: yet I was not
+able to believe this, that this was a prayer of faith, till almost six
+months after; for I could not think that I had faith, or that there
+should be a word for me to act faith on; therefore I should still be, as
+sticking in the jaws of desperation, and went mourning up and down in a
+sad condition.
+
+202.  There was nothing now that I longed for more than to be put out of
+doubt, as to this thing in question, and as I was vehemently desiring to
+know, if there was indeed hope for me, these words came rolling into my
+mind, _Will the Lord cast off for ever_? _and will He be favourable no
+more_?  _Is His mercy clean gone for ever_?  _Doth His promise fail for
+evermore_?  _Hath God forgotten to be gracious_?  _Hath He in anger shut
+up His tender mercies_?  Ps. lxxvii. 7–9.  And all the while they run in
+my mind, methought I had still this as the answer, ’_Tis a question
+whether He hath or no_: _it may be He hath not_.  Yea, the interrogatory
+seemed to me to carry in it a sure affirmation that indeed He had not,
+nor would so cast off, but would be favourable: that His promise doth not
+fail, and that He had not forgotten to be gracious, nor would in anger
+shut up tender mercy.  Something also there was upon my heart at the same
+time, which I cannot now call to mind, which, with this text, did sweeten
+my heart, and make me conclude, that His mercy might not be quite gone,
+nor clean gone for ever.
+
+203.  At another time I remembered, I was again much under this question,
+_Whether the blood of Christ was sufficient to save my soul_? in which
+doubt I continued from morning, till about seven or eight at night: and
+at last, when I was, as it were, quite worn out with fear, lest it should
+not lay hold on me, these words did sound suddenly within my heart: _He
+is able_.  But methought, this word _able_, was spoke loud unto me; it
+showed a _great word_, it seemed to be writ in _great letters_, and gave
+such a jostle to my fear and doubt (I mean for the time it tarried with
+me, which was about a day) as I never had from that, all my life, either
+before or after.  Heb. vii. 25.
+
+204.  But one morning as I was again at prayer, and trembling under the
+fear of this, _That no word of God could help me_, that piece of a
+sentence darted in upon me, _My grace is sufficient_.  At this, methought
+I felt some stay, as if there might be hopes.  But, oh! how good a thing
+it is for God to send His word! for, about a fortnight before, I was
+looking on this very place, and then I thought it could not come near my
+soul with comfort, therefore I threw down my book in a pet: then I
+thought it was not large enough for me; no, not large enough; but now it
+was as if it had arms of grace so wide, that it could not only enclose
+me, but many more such as I besides.
+
+205.  By these words I was sustained, yet not without exceeding
+conflicts, for the space of seven or eight weeks; for my peace would be
+in it, and out, sometimes twenty times a day; comfort now, and trouble
+presently; peace now, and before I could go a furlong, as full of fear
+and guilt as ever heart could hold.  And this was not only now and then,
+but my whole seven weeks’ experience: for this about _the sufficiency of
+grace_, and _that_ of _Esau’s_ parting with his birthright, would be like
+a pair of scales within my mind; sometimes one end would be uppermost,
+and sometimes again the other; according to which would be my peace or
+trouble.
+
+206.  Therefore I did still pray to God, that He would come in with this
+scripture more fully on my heart; to wit, that He would help me to apply
+the whole sentence, for as yet I could not: that He gave, that I
+gathered; but farther I could not go, for as yet it only helped me to
+hope there might be mercy for me; _My grace is sufficient_: And though it
+came no farther, it answered my former question, to wit, That there was
+hope; yet because _for thee_ was left out, I was not contented, but
+prayed to God for that also.  Wherefore, one day, when I was in a meeting
+of God’s people, full of sadness and terror; for my fears again were
+strong upon me; and, as I was now thinking, my soul was never the better,
+but my case most sad and fearful, these words did with great power
+suddenly break in upon me; _My grace is sufficient for thee_, _My grace
+is sufficient for thee_, _My grace is sufficient for thee_, three times
+together: And oh! methought that every word was a mighty word unto me; as
+_My_, and _grace_, and _sufficient_, and _for thee_; they were then, and
+sometimes are still, far bigger than others be.
+
+207.  At which time my understanding was so enlightened, that I was as
+though I had seen the Lord Jesus look down from heaven, through the tiles
+upon me, and direct these words unto me.  This sent me mourning home; it
+broke my heart, and filled me full of joy, and laid me low as the dust;
+only it stayed not long with me, I mean in this glory and refreshing
+comfort; yet it continued with me for several weeks, and did encourage me
+to hope: but as soon as that powerful operation of it was taken from my
+heart, that other, about _Esau_, returned upon me as before: so my soul
+did hang as in a pair of scales again, sometimes up, and sometimes down;
+now in peace, and anon again in terror.
+
+208.  Thus I went on for many weeks, sometimes comforted, and sometimes
+tormented; and especially at sometimes my torment would be very sore, for
+all those scriptures forenamed in the _Hebrews_, would be set before me,
+as the only sentences that would keep me out of heaven.  Then again I
+would begin to repent that ever that thought went through me; I would
+also think thus with myself: _Why_, _how many scriptures are there
+against me_?  _There are but three or four_; _And cannot God miss them_,
+_and save me for all them_?  Sometimes again I would think, _Oh_! _if it
+were not for these three or four words_, _now how might I be comforted_!
+And I could hardly forbear at some times, to wish them out of the book.
+
+209.  Then methought I should see as if both _Peter_ and _Paul_, and
+_John_, and all the writers, did look with scorn upon me, and hold me in
+derision; and as if they had said unto me, _All our words are truth_,
+_one of as much force as another_: _it is not we that have cut you of_,
+_but you have cast away yourself_.  _There is none of our sentences that
+you must take hold upon_, _but these and such as these_; _it is
+impossible_, Heb. vi.; _there remains no more sacrifice for sin_, Heb. x.
+_And it had been better for them not to have known the will of God_,
+_than after they had known it_, _to turn from the holy commandment
+delivered unto them_, 2 Peter ii. 21.  _For the Scriptures cannot be
+broken_.  John x. 35.
+
+210.  These, as the elders of the city of refuge, I saw, were to be
+judges both of my case and me, while I stood with the _avenger_ of blood
+at my heels, trembling at their gate for deliverance; also with a
+thousand fears and mistrusts, I doubted that they would shut me out for
+ever.  Joshua xx. 3. 4.
+
+211.  Thus I was confounded, not knowing what to do, or how to be
+satisfied in this question, _Whether the scriptures could agree in the
+salvation of my soul_?  I quaked at the apostles; I knew their words were
+true, and that they must stand for ever.
+
+212.  And I remember one day, as I was in divers frames of spirit, and
+considering that these frames were according to the nature of several
+scriptures that came in upon my mind; if this of grace, then was I quiet;
+but of that of _Esau_, then tormented.  Lord, thought I, _if both these
+scriptures should meet in my heart at once_, _I wonder which of them
+would get the better of me_.  So methought I had a longing mind that they
+might come both together upon me; yea, I desired of God they might.
+
+213.  Well, about two or three days after, so they did indeed; they
+bolted both upon me at a time, and did work and struggle strangely in me
+for a while; at last that about _Esau’s_ birthright began to wax weak,
+and withdraw, and vanish; and this, about the sufficiency of grace
+prevailed with peace and joy.  And as I was in a muse about this thing,
+that scripture came in upon me, _Mercy rejoiceth against judgment_.
+James ii. 13.
+
+214.  This was a wonderment to me; yet truly, I am apt to think it was of
+God; for the word of the law and wrath, must give place to the word of
+life and grace; because, though the word of condemnation be glorious, yet
+the word of life and salvation doth far exceed in glory.  2 Cor. iii.
+8–11.  _Mark_ ix. 5–7.  _John_ vi. 37.  Also that _Moses_ and _Elias_
+must both vanish, and leave Christ and His saints alone.
+
+215.  This scripture also did now most sweetly visit my soul; _And him
+that cometh to Me_, _I will in no wise cast out_.  Oh! the comfort that I
+had from this word, _in no wise_!  As who should say, _By no means_, _for
+nothing whatever he hath done_.  But Satan would greatly labour to pull
+this promise from me, telling of me, _That Christ did not mean me and
+such as I_, _but sinners of a lower rank_, _that had not done as I had
+done_.  But I would answer him again, _Satan_, _here is in these words no
+such exception_; _but him that comes_, _him_, _any him_: _him that cometh
+to Me I will in no wise cast out_.  And this I well remember still, that
+of all the slights that Satan used to take this scripture from me, yet he
+never did so much as put this question, _But do you come aright_?  And I
+have thought the reason was, because he thought I knew full well what
+coming aright was; for I saw that to come aright, was to come as I was, a
+vile and ungodly sinner, and to cast myself at the feet of mercy,
+condemning myself for sin.  If ever Satan and I did strive for any word
+of God in all my life, it was for this good word of Christ; he at one
+end, and I at the other: Oh! what work did we make!  It was for this in
+_John_, I say, that we did so tug and strive, he pulled, and I pulled;
+but God be praised, I got the better of him; I got some sweetness from
+it.
+
+216.  But notwithstanding all these helps, and blessed words of grace,
+yet that of _Esau’s_ selling of his birthright, would still at times
+distress my conscience: for though I had been most sweetly comforted, and
+that but just before, yet when that came into my mind, ’twould make me
+fear again: I could not be quite rid thereof, ’twould every day be with
+me: wherefore now I went another way to work, even to consider the nature
+of this blasphemous thought, I mean, if I should take the words at the
+largest, and give them their own natural force and scope, even every word
+therein: so when I had thus considered, I found, that if they were fairly
+taken, they would amount to this; _That I had freely left the Lord Jesus
+Christ to His choice_, _whether He would be my Saviour or no_; for the
+wicked words were these, _Let Him go_, _if He will_.  Then that scripture
+gave me hope, _I will never leave thee_, _nor forsake thee_.  Heb. xiii.
+5.  ‘O Lord,’ said I, _but I have left Thee_.  Then it answered again,
+_But I will not leave thee_.  For this I thanked God also.
+
+217.  Yet I was grievous afraid He should, and found it exceeding hard to
+trust Him, seeing I had so offended Him: I could have been exceeding glad
+that this thought had never befallen; for then I thought I could with
+more ease and freedom in abundance, have leaned on His grace.  I saw it
+was with me, as it was with _Joseph’s_ brethren; the guilt of their own
+wickedness did often fill them with fears that their brother would at
+last despise them.  Gen. l. 15, 16, etc.
+
+218.  Yet above all the scriptures that I yet did meet with that in
+_Joshua_ xx. was the greatest comfort to me, which speaks of the slayer
+that was to flee for refuge: _And if the avenger of blood pursue the
+slayer_, then saith _Moses_, _they that are the elders of the city of
+refuge shall not deliver him into his hands_, _because he smote his
+neighbour unwittingly and hated him not aforetime_.  Oh! blessed be God
+for this word: I was convinced that I was the slayer; and that the
+avenger of blood pursued me, I felt with great terror; only now it
+remained that I inquire whether I have right to enter the city of refuge:
+so I found, that he must not, _who lay in wait to shed blood_: It was not
+the wilful _murderer_, but he who _unwittingly_ did it, he who did it
+unawares; not out of spite, or grudge, or malice, he that shed it
+unwittingly: even he who did not _hate his neighbour before_.  Wherefore,
+
+219.  I thought verily I was the man that must enter, because I had
+smitten my neighbour _unwittingly_, _and hated Him not aforetime_.  I
+hated Him not aforetime; no, I prayed unto Him, was tender of sinning
+against Him; yea, and against this wicked temptation I had strove for a
+twelvemonth before; yea, and also when it did pass through my heart, it
+did in spite of my teeth: wherefore I thought I had a right to enter this
+city, and the elders, which are the _apostles_, were not to deliver me
+up.  This therefore was great comfort to me, and gave me much ground of
+hope.
+
+220.  Yet being very critical, for my smart had made me that I knew not
+what ground was sure enough to bear me, I had one question that my soul
+did much desire to be resolved about; and that was, _Whether it be
+possible for any soul that hath sinned the unpardonable sin_, _yet after
+that to receive_, _though but the least_, _true spiritual comfort from
+God though Christ_?  The which after I had much considered, I found the
+answer was, No, they could not; and that for these reasons:—
+
+221.  _First_, Because those that have sinned that sin, they are debarred
+a share in the blood of Christ; and being shut out of that, they must
+needs be void of the least ground of hope, and so of spiritual comfort;
+_For to such there remains no more sacrifice for sin_.  Heb. x. 26, 27.
+_Secondly_, Because they are denied a share in the promise of life: _It
+shall never be forgiven him neither in this world_, _neither in the world
+to come_.  Matt. xii. 32.  _Thirdly_, The Son of God excludes them also
+from a share in His blessed intercession, being for ever ashamed to own
+them, both before His holy Father, and the blessed angels in heaven.
+Mark viii.
+
+222.  When I had with much deliberation considered of this matter, and
+could not but conclude that the Lord had comforted me, and that too after
+this my wicked sin: then methought I durst venture to come nigh unto
+those most fearful and terrible scriptures, with which all this while I
+had been so greatly affrighted, and on which indeed, before I durst
+scarce cast mine eye (yea, had much ado an hundred times, to forbear
+wishing them out of the Bible), for I thought they would destroy me; but
+now, I say, I began to take some measure of encouragement, to come close
+to them to read them, and consider them, and to weigh their scope and
+tendency.
+
+223.  The which when I began to do, I found their visage changed: for
+they looked not so grimly, as before I thought they did: and first I came
+to the sixth of the _Hebrews_, yet trembling for fear it should strike
+me; which when I had considered, I found that the falling there intended,
+was a falling _quite away_; that is as I conceived, a falling from and
+absolute denying of the gospel, of remission of sins by Jesus Christ;
+for, from them the apostle begins his argument, verses 1, 2, 3, 4.
+_Secondly_, I found that this falling away, must be openly, even in the
+view of the world, even so as _to put Christ to an open shame_.
+_Thirdly_, I found those he there intended, were for ever shut up of God,
+both in blindness, hardness, and impenitency: _It is impossible they
+should be renewed again unto repentance_.  By all these particulars, I
+found to God’s everlasting praise, my sin was not the sin in this place
+intended.
+
+_First_, I confessed I was fallen, but not fallen away; that is, from the
+profession of faith in Jesus unto eternal life.
+
+_Secondly_, I confessed that I had put Jesus Christ to _shame_ by my sin,
+but not to open _shame_; I did not deny Him before men, nor condemn Him
+as a fruitless One before the world.
+
+_Thirdly_, Nor did I find that God had shut me up, or denied me to come
+(though I found it hard work indeed to come) to Him by sorrow and
+repentance: blessed be God for unsearchable grace!
+
+224.  Then I considered that in the 10th chapter of the _Hebrews_, and
+found that the _wilful sin_ there mentioned, is not every wilful sin, but
+that which doth throw off Christ, and then His commandments too.
+_Secondly_, That must be done also openly, before two or three witnesses,
+to answer that of the law, _verse_ 28.  _Thirdly_, This sin cannot be
+committed, but with great despite done to the Spirit of Grace; despising
+both the dissuasions from that sin, and the persuasions to the contrary.
+But the Lord knows, though this my sin was devilish, yet it did not
+amount to these.
+
+225.  And as touching that in the 12th of the _Hebrews_, about _Esau’s_
+selling of his birthright; though this was that which killed me, and
+stood like a spear against me, yet now I did consider, _First_, that his
+was not a hasty thought against the continual labour of his mind, but a
+thought consented to, and put in practice likewise, and that after some
+deliberation, Gen. xxv.  _Secondly_, It was a public and open action,
+even before his brother, if not before many more; this made his sin of a
+far more heinous nature than otherwise it would have been.  _Thirdly_, He
+continued to slight his birthright: _He did eat and drink_, _and went his
+way_: thus Esau _despised his birthright_, yea, twenty years after he was
+found to despise it still.  And Esau said, _I have enough_, _my brother_,
+_keep that thou hast unto thyself_.  Gen. xxxiii. 9.
+
+226.  Now as touching this, _that_ Esau _sought a place of repentance_;
+thus I thought: _First_, This was not for the _birthright_, but _the
+blessing_: this is clear from the apostle, and is distinguished by Esau
+himself; _He took away my birthright_ (that is, formerly); _and behold
+now he hath taken away my blessing_.  Gen. xxvii. 36.  _Secondly_, Now,
+this being thus considered, I came again to the apostle, to see what
+might be the mind of God, in a New-Testament style and sense concerning
+_Esau’s_ sin; and so far as I could conceive, this was the mind of God,
+_that the birthright_ signified _regeneration_, and the _blessing_, the
+_eternal inheritance_; for so the apostle seems to hint.  _Lest there be
+any profane person_, _as_ Esau, _who for one morsel of meat sold his
+birthright_; as if he should say, That shall cast off all those blessed
+beginnings of God, that at present are upon him, in order to a new-birth;
+lest they become as _Esau_, even be rejected _afterwards_, when they
+would inherit the blessing.
+
+227.  For many there are, who, in the day of grace and mercy, despise
+those things which are indeed the birthright to heaven, who yet when the
+deciding day appears, will cry as lord as _Esau_, _Lord_, _Lord_, _open
+to us_; but then, as _Isaac_ would not repent, no more will God the
+Father, but will say, _I have blessed these_, _yea_, and _they shall be
+blessed_; but as for you, _Depart_, _you are the workers of iniquity_.
+Gen. xxvii. 32; Luke xiii. 25–27.
+
+228.  When I had thus considered these scriptures, and found that thus to
+understand them, was not against, but according to other scriptures; this
+still added further to my encouragement and comfort, and also gave a
+great blow to that objection, to wit, _That the scriptures could not
+agree in the salvation of my soul_.  And now remained only the hinder
+part of the tempest, for the thunder was gone beyond me, only some drops
+did still remain, that now and then would fall upon me; but because my
+former frights and anguish were very sore and deep, therefore it oft
+befall me still, as it befalleth those that have been scared with fire.
+I thought every voice was, _Fire_! _fire_!  Every little touch would hurt
+my tender conscience.
+
+229.  But one day, as I was passing in the field, and that too with some
+dashes on my conscience, fearing lest yet all was not right, suddenly
+this sentence fell upon my soul, _Thy righteousness is in heaven_; and
+methought withal, I saw with the eyes of my soul, Jesus Christ at God’s
+right hand: there, I say, was my righteousness; so that wherever I was,
+or whatever I was doing, God could not say of me, _He wants My
+righteousness_; for that was just before Him.  I also saw moreover, that
+it was not my good frame of heart that made my righteousness better, nor
+yet my bad frame that made my righteousness worse; for my righteousness
+was Jesus Christ Himself, _The same yesterday_, _to-day_, _and for ever_.
+Heb. xiii. 8.
+
+230.  Now did my chains fall off my legs indeed; I was loosed from my
+afflictions and irons; my temptations also fled away; so that from that
+time those dreadful scriptures of God left off to trouble me: now went I
+also home rejoicing, for the grace and love of God; so when I came home,
+I looked to see if I could find that sentence; _Thy righteousness is in
+heaven_, but could not find such a saying; wherefore my heart began to
+sink again, only that was brought to my remembrance, 1 Cor. i. 30,
+_Christ Jesus_, _who of God is made unto us wisdom_, _and righteousness_,
+_and sanctification_, _and redemption_; by this word I saw the other
+sentence true.
+
+231.  For by this scripture I saw that the Man Christ Jesus, as He is
+distinct from us, as touching His bodily presence, so He is our
+righteousness and sanctification before God.  Here therefore I lived, for
+some time, very sweetly at peace with God through Christ; Oh! methought,
+Christ! Christ! there was nothing but Christ that was before my eyes: I
+was not now (only) for looking upon this and the other benefits of Christ
+apart, as of His blood, burial, or resurrection, but considering Him as a
+whole Christ! as He in whom all these, and all His other virtues,
+relations, offices and operations met together, and that He sat on the
+right hand of God in heaven.
+
+232.  ’Twas glorious to me to see His exaltation, and the worth and
+prevalency of all His benefits, and that because now I could look from
+myself to Him and should reckon, that all those graces of God that now
+were green on me, were yet but like those cracked groats and
+fourpence-halfpennies that rich men carry in their purses, when their
+gold is in their trunks at home: Oh! I saw my gold was in my trunk at
+home!  In Christ my Lord and Saviour.  Now Christ was all; all my wisdom,
+all my righteousness, all my sanctification, and all my redemption.
+
+233.  Further, the Lord did also lead me into the mystery of union with
+the Son of God; that I was joined to Him, that I was flesh of His flesh,
+and bone of His bone; and now was that word sweet to me in Eph. v. 30.
+By this also was my faith in Him, as my righteousness, the more confirmed
+in me; for if He and I were one, then His righteousness was mine, His
+merits mine, His victory also mine.  Now could I see myself in heaven and
+earth at once: in heaven by my Christ, by my head, by my righteousness
+and life, though on earth by my body or person.
+
+234.  Now I saw Christ Jesus was looked upon of God; and should also be
+looked upon by us, as that common or public person, in whom all the whole
+body of His elect are always to be considered and reckoned; that we
+fulfilled the law by Him, died by Him, rose from the dead by Him, got the
+victory over sin, death, the devil, and hell, by Him; when He died, we
+died, and so of His resurrection.  _Thy dead men shall live_, _together
+with My dead body shall they arise_, saith He.  Isa. xxvi. 19.  And
+again, _after two days He will revive us_, _and the third day He will
+raise us up_, _and we shall live in His sight_.  Hosea vi. 2.  Which is
+now fulfilled by the sitting down of the Son of Man on the right hand of
+the Majesty in the heavens; according to that to the _Ephesians_, _And
+hath raised us up together_, _and made us sit together in heavenly places
+in Christ Jesus_.  Eph. ii. 6.
+
+235.  Ah! these blessed considerations and scriptures, with many others
+of like nature, were in those days made to spangle in mine eyes; so that
+I have cause to say, _Praise ye the Lord_.  _Praise God in His
+sanctuary_, _praise Him in the firmament of His power_; _praise Him for
+His mighty acts_: _praise Him according to His excellent greatness_.
+Psalm cl. 1, 2.
+
+236.  Having thus in a few words given you a taste of the sorrow and
+affliction that my soul went under, by the guilt and terror that this my
+wicked thought did lay me under; and having given you also a touch of my
+deliverance therefrom, and of the sweet and blessed comfort that I met
+with afterwards, which comfort dwelt about a twelvemonth with my heart,
+to my unspeakable admiration: I will now (God willing), before I proceed
+any farther, give you in a word or two, what, as I conceive, was the
+cause of this temptation; and also after that, what advantage, at the
+last, it became unto my soul.
+
+237.  For the causes, I conceived they were principally two: of which two
+also I was deeply convinced all the time this trouble lay upon me.  The
+first was, for that I did not, when I was delivered from the temptation
+that went before, still pray to God to to keep me from the temptations
+that were to come; for though, as I can say in truth, my soul was much in
+prayer before this trial seized me, yet then I prayed only, or at the
+most principally, for the removal of present troubles, and for fresh
+discoveries of His love in Christ, which I saw afterwards was not enough
+to do; I also should have prayed that the great God would keep me from
+the evil that was to come.
+
+238.  Of this I was made deeply sensible by the prayer of holy _David_,
+who when he was under present mercy, yet prayed that God would hold him
+back from sin and temptation to come; _Then_, saith he, _shall I be
+upright_, _and I shall be innocent from the great transgression_.  Psalm
+xix. 13.  By this very word was I galled and condemned quite through this
+long temptation.
+
+239.  That was also another word that did much condemn me for my folly,
+in the neglect of this duty.  Heb. iv. 16: _Let us therefore come boldly
+unto the throne of grace_, _that we may obtain mercy_, _and find grace to
+help in time of need_.  This I had not done, and therefore was thus
+suffered to sin and fall, according to what is written, _Pray that ye
+enter not into temptation_.  And truly this very thing is to this day of
+such weight and awe upon me, that I dare not, when I come before the
+Lord, go of my knees, until I intreat Him for help and mercy against the
+temptations that are to come; and I do beseech thee, reader, that thou
+learn to beware of my negligence, by the afflictions, that for this thing
+I did for days, and months, and years, with sorrow undergo.
+
+240.  Another cause of this temptation was, that I had tempted God; and
+on this manner did I do it: Upon a time my wife was great with child, and
+before her full time was come, her pangs, as of a woman in travail, were
+fierce and strong upon her, even as if she would have fallen immediately
+in labour, and been delivered of an untimely birth: now at this very time
+it was, that I had been so strongly tempted to question the being of God;
+wherefore, as my wife lay crying by me, I said, but with all secrecy
+imaginable, even thinking in my heart, _Lord_, _if Thou wilt now remove
+this sad affliction from my wife_, _and cause that she be troubled no
+more therewith this night_ (and now were her pangs just upon her), _then
+I shall know that Thou canst discern the most secret thoughts of the
+heart_.
+
+241.  I had no sooner said it in my heart, but her pangs were taken from
+her, and she was cast into a deep sleep, and so continued till morning;
+at this I greatly marvelled, not knowing what to think; but after I had
+been awake a good while, and heard her cry no more, I fell asleep also;
+so when I awaked in the morning, it came upon me again, even what I had
+said in my heart the last night, and how the Lord had showed me, that He
+knew my secret thoughts, which was a great astonishment unto me for
+several weeks after.
+
+242.  Well, about a year and a half afterwards, that wicked sinful
+thought, of which I have spoken before, went through my wicked heart,
+even this thought, _Let Christ go_, _if He will_: so when I was fallen
+under the guilt for this, the remembrance of my other thought, and of the
+effect thereof, would also come upon me with this retort, which also
+carried rebuke along with it, _Now you may see that God doth know the
+most secret thoughts of the heart_.
+
+243.  And with this, that of the passages that were betwixt the Lord, and
+His servant _Gideon_, fell upon my spirit; how because that _Gideon_
+tempted God with his fleece, both wet and dry, when he should have
+believed and ventured upon His word; therefore the Lord did afterwards so
+try him, as to send him against an innumerable company of enemies, and
+that too, as to outward appearance, without any strength or help.  Judges
+vi. 7.  Thus He served me, and that justly, for I should have believed
+His word, and not have put an _if_ upon the all-seeingness of God.
+
+244.  And now to show you something of the advantages that I also have
+gained by this temptation: and first, by this I was made continually to
+possess in my soul a very wonderful sense both of the blessing and glory
+of God, and of His beloved Son; in the temptation that went before, my
+soul was perplexed with unbelief, blasphemy, hardness of heart, questions
+about the being of God, Christ, the truth of the word, and certainty of
+the world to come: I say, then I was greatly assaulted and tormented with
+atheism, but now the case was otherwise; now was God and Christ
+continually before my face, though not in a way of comfort, but in a way
+of exceeding dread and terror.  The glory of the holiness of God, did at
+this time break me to pieces; and the bowels and compassion of Christ did
+break me as on the wheel; for I could not consider Him but as a lost and
+rejected Christ, the remembrance of which, was as the continual breaking
+of my bones.
+
+245.  The scriptures also were wonderful things unto me; I saw that the
+truth and verity of them were the keys of the kingdom of heaven; _those_
+that the scriptures favour, _they_ must inherit bliss; but _those_ that
+they oppose and condemn, _must_ perish for evermore: Oh! this word, _For
+the scriptures cannot be broken_, would rend the caul of my heart: and so
+would that other, _Whose sins ye remit_, _they are remitted_; _but whose
+sins ye retain_, _they are retained_.  Now I saw the apostles to be the
+elders of the city of refuge.  Joshua xx. 4.  Those that they were to
+receive in, were received to life; but those that they shut out, were to
+be slain by the avenger of blood.
+
+246.  Oh! one sentence of the scripture did more afflict and terrify my
+mind, I mean those sentences that stood against me (as sometimes I
+thought they every one did) more, I say, than an army of forty thousand
+men that might have come against me.  Woe be to him against whom the
+scriptures bend themselves!
+
+247.  By this temptation I was made to see more into the nature of the
+promises than ever I was before; for I lying now trembling under the
+mighty hand of God, continually torn and rent by the thundering of His
+justice: this made me with careful heart, and watchful eye, with great
+fearfulness to turn over every leaf, and with much diligence, mixed with
+trembling, to consider every sentence, together with its natural force
+and latitude.
+
+248.  By this temptation also I was greatly holden off from my former
+foolish practice of putting by the word of promise when saw it came into
+my mind; for now, though I could not suck that comfort and sweetness from
+the promise, as I had done at other times; yet, like to a man sinking, I
+would catch at all I saw: formerly I thought I might not meddle with the
+promise, unless I felt its comfort, but now ’twas no time thus to do; the
+avenger of blood too hardly did pursue me.
+
+249.  Now therefore I was glad to catch at _that_ word which yet I feared
+I had no ground or right to own; and even to leap into the bosom of that
+promise that yet I feared did shut its heart against me.  Now also I
+should labour to take the word as God hath laid it down, without
+restraining the natural force of one syllable thereof: O! what did I now
+see in that blessed sixth of John: _And him that cometh to me_, _I will
+in no wise cast out_.  John vi. 37.  Now I began to consider with myself,
+that God hath a bigger mouth to speak with, than I had a heart to
+conceive with; I thought also with myself, that He spake not His words in
+haste, or in an unadvised heat, but with infinite wisdom and judgment,
+and in very truth and faithfulness.  2 Sam. iii. 28.
+
+250.  I should in these days, often in my greatest agonies, even flounce
+towards the promise (as the horses do towards sound ground, that yet
+stick in the mire); concluding (though as one almost bereft of his wits
+through fear) on this I will rest and stay, and leave the fulfilling of
+it to the God of heaven that made it.  Oh! many a pull hath my heart had
+with Satan, for that blessed sixth of John: I did not now, as at other
+times, look principally for comfort (though, O how welcome would it have
+been unto me!).  But now a word, a word to lean a weary soul upon, that
+it might not sink for ever! ’twas that I hunted for.
+
+251.  Yea, often when I have been making to the promise, I have seen as
+if the Lord would refuse my soul for ever; I was often as if I had run
+upon the pikes, and as if the Lord had thrust at me, to keep me from Him,
+as with a flaming sword.  Then I should think of _Esther_, who went to
+petition the king contrary to the law.  Esther iv. 16.  I thought also of
+Benhadad’s servants, who went with ropes upon their heads to their
+enemies for mercy.  1 Kings xx. 31, etc.  The woman of Canaan also, that
+would not be daunted, though called dog by Christ, Matt. xv., 22, etc.,
+and the man that went to borrow bread at midnight, Luke xi. 5–8, etc.,
+were great encouragements unto me.
+
+252.  I never saw those heights and depths in grace, and love, and mercy,
+as I saw after this temptation; great sins to draw out great grace; and
+where guilt is most terrible and fierce, there the mercy of God in
+Christ, when showed to the soul, appears most high and mighty.  When
+_Job_ had passed through his captivity, _he had twice as much as he had
+before_.  Job xlii. 10.  Blessed be God for Jesus Christ our Lord.  Many
+other things I might here make observation of, but I would be brief, and
+therefore shall at this time omit them; and do pray God that my harms may
+make others fear to offend, lest they also be made to bear the iron yoke
+as I did.
+
+I had two or three times, at or about my deliverance from this
+temptation, such strange apprehensions of the grace of God, that I could
+hardly bear up under it: it was so out of measure amazing, when I thought
+it could reach me, that I do think if that sense of it had abode long
+upon me, it would have made me incapable for business.
+
+253.  Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of other of the
+Lord’s dealings with me at sundry other seasons, and of the temptations I
+then did meet withal.  I shall begin with what I met with when first I
+did join in fellowship with the people of God in _Bedford_.  After I had
+propounded to the church, that my desire was to walk in the order and
+ordinances of Christ with them, and was also admitted by them: while I
+thought of that blessed ordinance of Christ, which was His last supper
+with His disciples before His death, that scripture, _Do this in
+remembrance of Me_, Luke xxii. 19, was made a very precious word unto me;
+for by it the Lord did come down upon my conscience with the discovery of
+His death for my sins; and as I then felt, did as if He plunged me in the
+virtue of the same.  But behold, I had not been long a partaker at that
+ordinance, but such fierce and sad temptations did attend me at all times
+therein, both to blaspheme the ordinance, and to wish some deadly thing
+to those that then did eat thereof: that lest I should at any time be
+guilty of consenting to these wicked and fearful thoughts, I was forced
+to bend myself all the while, to pray to God to keep me from such
+blasphemies: and also to cry to God to bless the bread and cup to them,
+as it went from mouth to mouth.  The reason of this temptation, I have
+thought since, was, because I did not with that reverence that became me
+at first, approach to partake thereof.
+
+254.  Thus I continued for three quarters of a year, and could never have
+rest nor ease: but at the last the Lord came in upon my soul with that
+same scripture, by which my soul was visited before: and after that, I
+have been usually very well and comfortable in the partaking of that
+blessed ordinance; and have, I trust, therein discerned the Lord’s body,
+as broken for my sins, and that His precious blood hath been shed for my
+transgressions.
+
+255.  Upon a time I was something inclining to a consumption, wherewith
+about the spring I was suddenly and violently seized, with much weakness
+in my outward man; insomuch that I thought I could not live.  Now began I
+afresh to give myself up to a serious examination after my state and
+condition for the future, and of my evidences for that blessed world to
+come: for it hath, I bless the name of God, been my usual course, as
+always, so especially in the day of affliction, to endeavour to keep my
+interest in the life to come, clear before mine eyes.
+
+256.  But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former experience of
+the goodness of God to my soul, but there came flocking into my mind an
+innumerable company of my sins and transgressions; amongst which these
+were at this time most to my affliction; namely, my deadness, dulness,
+and coldness in holy duties; my wanderings of heart, of my wearisomeness
+in all good things, my want of love to God, His ways and people, with
+this at the end of all, _Are these the fruits of Christianity_?  _Are
+these tokens of a blessed man_?
+
+257.  At the apprehensions of these things my sickness was doubled upon
+me; for now I was sick in my inward man, my soul was clogged with guilt;
+now also was my former experience of God’s goodness to me, quite taken
+out of my mind, and hid as if they had never been, or seen: now was my
+soul greatly pinched between these two considerations, _Live I must not_,
+_die I dare not_.  Now I sunk and fell in my spirit, and was giving up
+all for lost; but as I was walking up and down in the house as a man in a
+most woeful state, that word of God took hold of my heart, _Ye are
+justified freely by His grace_, _through the redemption that is in Christ
+Jesus_.  Rom. iii. 24.  But oh! what a turn it made upon me!
+
+258.  Now was I as one awaked out of some troublesome sleep and dream;
+and listening to this heavenly sentence, I was as if I had heard it thus
+expounded to me: _Sinner_, _thou thinkest_, _that because thy sins and
+infirmities_, _I cannot save thy soul_; _but behold My Son is by me_,
+_and upon Him I look_, _and not on thee_, _and shall deal with thee
+according as I am pleased with Him_.  At this I was greatly lightened in
+my mind, and made to understand, that God could justify a sinner at any
+time; it was but His looking upon Christ, and imputing His benefits to
+us, and the work was forthwith done.
+
+259.  And as I was thus in a muse, that scripture also came with great
+power upon my spirit, _Not by works of righteousness that we have done_,
+_but according to His mercy He hath saved us_, _etc._  2 Tim. i. 9; Tit.
+iii. 5.  Now was I got on high, I saw myself within the arms of grace and
+mercy; and though I was before afraid to think of a dying hour, yet, now
+I cried, _Let me die_: Now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight,
+for I saw _We shall never live indeed_, _till we be gone to the other
+world_.  Oh! methought this life is but a slumber, in comparison with
+that above.  At this time also I saw more in these words, _Heirs of God_,
+Rom. viii. 17, than ever I shall be able to express while I live in this
+world: _Heirs of God_!  God Himself is the portion of the saints.  This I
+saw and wondered at, but cannot tell you what I saw.
+
+260.  Again, as I was at another time very ill and weak, all that time
+also the tempter did beset me strongly (for I find he is much for
+assaulting the soul; when it begins to approach towards the grave, then
+is his opportunity), labouring to hide from me my former experience of
+God’s goodness: also setting before me the terrors of death, and the
+judgment of God, insomuch that at this time, through my fear of
+miscarrying for ever (should I now die), I was as one dead before death
+came, and was as if I had felt myself already descending into the pit;
+methought I said, There were no way, but to hell I must: but behold, just
+as I was in the midst of those fears, these words of the angel’s carrying
+_Lazarus_ into _Abraham’s_ bosom darted in upon me, as who should say,
+_So it shall be with thee when thou dost leave this world_.  This did
+sweetly revive my spirit, and help me to hope in God; which when I had
+with comfort mused on a while, that word fell with great weight upon my
+mind, _O death_, _where is thy sting_?  _O grave_, _where is thy
+victory_?  1 Cor. xv. 55.  At this I became both well in body and mind at
+once, for my sickness did presently vanish, and I walked comfortably in
+my work for God again.
+
+261.  At another time, though just before I was pretty well and savoury
+in my spirit, yet suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud of darkness,
+which did so hide from me the things of God and Christ, that I was as if
+I had never seen or known them in my life: I was also so over-run in my
+soul with a senseless heartless frame of spirit, that I could not feel my
+soul to move or stir after _grace_ and _life_ by _Christ_; I was as if my
+loins were broken, or as if my hands and feet had been tied or bound with
+chains.  At this time also I felt some weakness to seize upon my outward
+man, which made still the other affliction the more heavy and
+uncomfortable to me.
+
+262.  After I had been in this condition some three or four days, as I
+was sitting by the fire, I suddenly felt this word to sound in my heart,
+_I must go to Jesus_.  At this my former darkness and atheism fled away,
+and the blessed things of heaven were set in my view.  While I was on
+this sudden thus overtaken with surprise, Wife (said I), is there ever
+such a scripture, _I must go to Jesus_?  She said, she could not tell;
+therefore I sat musing still, to see if I could remember such a place: I
+had not sat above two or three minutes, but that came bolting in upon me,
+_And to an innumerable company of angels_; and withal, Hebrews twelfth,
+about the mount _Sion_, was set before mine eyes.  Heb. xii. 22–24.
+
+263.  Then with joy I told my wife, _O_! _now I know_, _I know_!  But
+that night was a good night to me, I never had but few better; I longed
+for the company of some of God’s people, that I might have imparted unto
+them what God had showed me.  Christ was a precious Christ to my soul
+that night; I could scarce lie in my bed for joy, and peace, and triumph,
+through Christ.  This great glory did not continue upon me until morning,
+yet the twelfth of the Author to the Hebrews, Heb. xii. 22, 23, was a
+blessed scripture to me for many days together after this.
+
+264.  The words are these: _Ye are come to mount Sion_, _and unto the
+city of the living God_, _the heavenly Jerusalem_, _and to an innumerable
+company of angels_, _to the general assembly and church of the
+first-born_, _which are written in heaven_; _and to God the Judge of
+all_, _and to the spirits of just men made perfect_, _and to Jesus the
+Mediator of the New Covenant_, _and to the blood of sprinkling_, _that
+speaketh better things than that of Abel_.  Through this blessed sentence
+the Lord led me over and over, first to this word, and then to that; and
+showed me wonderful glory in every one of them.  These words also have
+oft since that time, been great refreshment to my spirit.  Blessed be God
+for having mercy on me.
+
+
+
+_A brief Account of the Author’s Call to the Work of the Ministry_
+
+
+265.  AND now I am speaking my experience, I will in this place thrust in
+a word or two concerning my preaching the word, and of God’s dealing with
+me in that particular also.  For after I had been about five or six years
+awakened, and helped myself to see both the want and worth of Jesus
+Christ our Lord, and also enabled to venture my soul upon Him; some of
+the most able among the saints with us, I say, the most able for judgment
+and holiness of life, as they conceived, did perceive that God had
+counted me worth to understand something of His will in His holy and
+blessed word, and had given me utterance in some measure, to express what
+I saw to others, for edification; therefore they desired me, and that
+with much earnestness, that I would be willing, at sometimes to take in
+hand, in one of the meetings, to speak a word of exhortation unto them.
+
+266.  The which, though at the first it did much dash and abash my
+spirit, yet being still by them desired and entreated, I consented to
+their request, and did twice at two several assemblies (but in private),
+though with much weakness and infirmity, discover my gift amongst them;
+at which they not only seemed to be, but did solemnly protest, as in the
+sight of the great God, they were both affected and comforted; and gave
+thanks to the Father of mercies, for the grace bestowed on me.
+
+267.  After this, sometimes, when some of them did go into the country to
+teach, they would also that I should go with them; where, though as yet,
+I did not nor durst not, make use of my gift in an open way, yet more
+privately, still, as I came amongst the good people in those places, I
+did sometimes speak a word of admonition unto them also; the which they,
+as the other, received with rejoicing at the mercy of God to me-ward,
+professing their souls were edified thereby.
+
+268.  Wherefore, to be brief; at last, being still desired by the church,
+after some solemn prayer to the Lord, with fasting, I was more
+particularly called forth, and appointed to a more ordinary and public
+preaching of the word, not only to and amongst them that believed, but
+also to offer the gospel to those who had not yet received the faith
+thereof; about which time I did evidently find in my mind a secret
+pricking forward thereto; though I bless God, not for desire of
+vain-glory; for at that time I was most sorely afflicted with the fiery
+darts of the devil, concerning my eternal state.
+
+269.  But yet could not be content, unless I was found in the exercise of
+my gift, unto which also I was greatly animated, not only by the
+continual desires of the godly, but also by that saying of _Paul_ to the
+_Corinthians_: _I beseech you_, _brethren_ (_ye know the household of
+Stephanas_, _that it is the first fruits of Achaia_, _and that they have
+addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints_) _that ye submit
+yourselves unto such_, _and to every one that helpeth with us_, _and
+laboureth_.  1 Cor. xvi. 15, 16.
+
+270.   By this text I was made to see that the Holy Ghost never intended
+that men who have gifts and abilities, should bury them in the earth, but
+rather did command and stir up such to the exercise of their gift, and
+also did commend those that were apt and ready so to do.  _They have
+addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints_.  This scripture, in
+these days, did continually run in my mind, to encourage me, and
+strengthen me in this my work for God; I have also been encouraged from
+several other scriptures and examples of the godly, both specified in the
+word, and other ancient histories: _Acts_ viii. 4 and xviii. 24, 25,
+etc.; 1 _Pet._ iv. 10; _Rom._ xii. 6; _Fox’s Acts_ and _Mon._
+
+271.  Wherefore, though of myself of all the saints the most unworthy;
+yet I, but with great fear and trembling at the sight of my own weakness,
+did set upon the work, and did according to my gift, and the proportion
+of my faith, preach that blessed gospel that God had showed me in the
+holy word of truth: which when the country understood, they came in to
+hear the word by hundreds, and that from all parts, though upon sundry
+and divers accounts.
+
+272.  And I thank God, He gave unto me some measure of bowels and pity
+for their souls, which also did put me forward to labour, with great
+diligence and earnestness, to find out such a word as might, if God would
+bless, lay hold of, and awaken the conscience; in which also the good
+Lord had respect to the desire of His servant; for I had not preached
+long, before some began to be touched, and be greatly afflicted in their
+minds at the apprehension of the greatness of their sin, and of their
+need of Jesus Christ.
+
+273.  But I first could not believe that God should speak by me to the
+heart of any man, still counting myself unworthy; yet those who thus were
+touched, would love me and have a particular respect for me; and though I
+did put it from me, that they should be awakened by me, still they would
+confess it, and affirm it before the saints of God: they would also bless
+God for me (unworthy wretch that I am!) and count me God’s instrument
+that showed to them the way of salvation.
+
+274.  Wherefore seeing them in both their words and deeds to be so
+constant, and also in their hearts so earnestly pressing after the
+knowledge of Jesus Christ, rejoicing that ever God did send me where they
+were; then I began to conclude it might be so, that God had owned in His
+work such a foolish one as I; and then came that word of God to my heart,
+with much sweet refreshment, _The blessing of him that was ready to
+perish_, _is come upon me_; _and I caused the widow’s heart to sing for
+joy_.  Job xxix. 13.
+
+275.  At this therefore I rejoiced; yea, the tears of those whom God did
+awaken by my preaching, would be both solace and encouragement to me: for
+I thought on those sayings, _Who is He then that maketh me glad_, _but
+the same which is made sorry by Me_?  2 Cor. ii. 2.  And again, _If I be
+not an Apostle to others_, _yet doubtless_, _I am unto you_: _for the
+seal of mine apostleship are ye in the Lord_.  1 Cor. ix. 2.  These
+things, therefore, were as another argument unto me, that God had called
+me to, and stood by me in this work.
+
+276.  In my preaching of the word, I took special notice of this one
+thing, namely, that the Lord did lead me to begin where His word begins
+with sinners; that is, to condemn all flesh, and to open and allege, that
+the curse of God by the law, doth belong to, and lay hold on all men as
+they come into the world, because of sin.  Now this part of my work I
+fulfilled with great sense; for the terrors of the law, and guilt for my
+transgressions, lay heavy on my conscience: I preached what I felt, what
+I smartingly did feel; even that under which my poor soul did groan and
+tremble to astonishment.
+
+277.  Indeed, I have been as one sent to them from the dead; I went
+myself in chains, to preach to them in chains; and carried that fire in
+my own conscience, that I persuaded them to be aware of.  I can truly
+say, and that without dissembling, that when I have been to preach, I
+have gone full of guilt and terror, even to the pulpit door, and there it
+hath been taken off, and I have been at liberty in my mind until I have
+done my work; and then immediately, even before I could get down the
+pulpit stairs, I have been as bad as I was before; yet God carried me on,
+but surely with a strong hand, for neither guilt nor hell could take me
+off my work.
+
+278.  Thus I went on for the space of two years, crying out against men’s
+sins, and their fearful state because of them.  After which, the Lord
+came in upon my own soul, with some staid peace and comfort through
+Christ; for He did give me many sweet discoveries of His blessed grace
+through Him; wherefore now I altered in my preaching (for still I
+preached what I saw and felt); now therefore I did much labour to hold
+forth Jesus Christ in all His offices, relations, and benefits unto the
+world; and did strive also to discover, to condemn, and remove those
+false supports and props on which the world doth both lean, and by them
+fall and perish.  On these things also I staid as long as on the other.
+
+279.  After this, God led me into something of the mystery of the union
+of Christ; wherefore that I discovered and showed to them also.  And,
+when I had travelled through these three chief points of the word of God,
+about the space of five years or more, I was caught in my present
+practice, and cast into prison, where I have lain above as long again to
+confirm the truth by way of suffering, as I was before in testifying of
+it according to the scriptures, in a way of preaching.
+
+280.  When I have been in preaching, I thank God my heart hath often all
+the time of this and the other exercise, with great earnestness cried to
+God that He would make the word effectual to the salvation of the soul;
+still being grieved lest the enemy should take the word away from the
+conscience, and so it should become unfruitful: wherefore I should labour
+to speak the word, as that thereby, if it were possible, the sin and
+person guilty might be particularized by it.
+
+281.  And when I have done the exercise, it hath gone to my heart, to
+think the word should now fall as rain on stony places; still wishing
+from my heart, Oh! that they who have heard me speak this day, did but
+see as I do, what sin, death, hell, and the curse of God is; and also
+what the grace, and love, and mercy of God is, through Christ, to men in
+such a case as they are, who are yet estranged from Him.  And indeed, I
+did often say in my heart before the Lord, _That if to be hanged up
+presently before their eyes_, _would be a means to awaken them_, _and
+confirm them in the truth_, _I gladly should be contented_.
+
+282.  For I have been in my preaching, especially when I have been
+engaged in the doctrine of life by Christ, without works, as if an angel
+of God had stood by at my back to encourage me: Oh! it hath been with
+such power and heavenly evidence upon my own soul, while I have been
+labouring to unfold it, to demonstrate it, and to fasten it upon the
+conscience of others; that I could not be contented with saying, _I
+believe_, _and am sure_; methought I was more than sure (if it be lawful
+to express myself) that those things which then I asserted, were true.
+
+283.  When I first went to preach the word abroad, the doctors and
+priests of the country did open wide against me.  But I was persuaded of
+this, not to render railing for railing; but to see how many of their
+carnal professors I could convince of their miserable state by the law,
+and of the want and worth of Christ: for, thought I, _This shall answer
+for me in time to come_, _when they shall be for my hire before their
+face_.  Gen. xxx. 33.
+
+284.  I never cared to meddle with things that were controverted, and in
+dispute among the saints, especially things of the lowest nature; yet it
+pleased me much to contend with great earnestness for the word of faith,
+and the remission of sins by the death and sufferings of Jesus: but I
+say, as to other things, I should let them alone, because I saw they
+engendered strife; and because that they neither in doing, nor in leaving
+undone, did commend us to God to be His: besides, I saw my work before me
+did run into another channel, even to carry an awakening word; to that
+therefore did I stick and adhere.
+
+285.  I never endeavoured to, nor durst make use of other men’s lines,
+Rom. xv. 18 (though I condemn not all that do), for I verily thought, and
+found by experience, that what was taught me by the word and Spirit of
+Christ, could be spoken, maintained, and stood to, by the soundest and
+best established conscience; and though I will not now speak all that I
+know in this matter, yet my experience hath more interest in that text of
+scripture, Gal. i. 11, 12, than many amongst men are aware.
+
+286.  If any of those who were awakened by my ministry, did after that
+fall back (as sometimes too many did), I can truly say, their loss hath
+been more to me, than if one of my own children, begotten of my own body,
+had been going to its grave: I think verily, I may speak it without any
+offence to the Lord, nothing has gone so near me as that; unless it was
+the fear of the loss of the salvation of my own soul.  I have counted as
+if I had goodly buildings and lordships in those places where my children
+were born; my heart hath been so wrapped up in the glory of this
+excellent work, that I counted myself more blessed and honoured of God by
+this, than if He had made me the emperor of the Christian world, or the
+lord of all the glory of the earth without it!  Oh these words!  _He
+which converteth the sinner from the error of his way_, _shall save a
+soul from death_.  James v. 20.  _The fruit of the righteous is a tree of
+life_; _and he that winneth souls is wise_.  Prov. xi. 30.  _They that be
+wise shall shine as the brightness of the firmament_, _and they that turn
+many to righteousness_, _as the stars for ever and ever_.  Dan. xii. 3.
+_For what is our hope_, _or joy_, _or crown of rejoicing_?  _Are not even
+ye in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ at His coming_?  _For ye are
+our glory and joy_.  1 Thes. ii. 19, 20.  These, I say, with many others
+of a like nature, have been great refreshments to me.
+
+287.  I have observed, that where I have had a work to do for God, I have
+had first, as it were, the going of God upon my spirit, to desire I might
+preach there: I have also observed, that such and such souls in
+particular, have been strongly set upon my heart, and I stirred up to
+wish for their salvation; and that these very souls have, after this,
+been given in as the fruits of my ministry.  I have observed, that a word
+cast in, by-the-bye, hath done more execution in a sermon, than all that
+was spoken besides: sometimes also, when I have thought I did no good,
+then I did the most of all; and at other times, when I thought I should
+catch them, I have fished for nothing.
+
+288.  I have also observed, that where there has been a work to do upon
+sinners, there the devil hath begun to roar in the hearts and by the
+mouths of his servants: yea, oftentimes, when the wicked world hath raged
+most, there hath been souls awakened by the word: I could instance
+particulars, but I forbear.
+
+289.  My great desire in my fulfilling my ministry was to get into the
+darkest places of the country, even amongst those people that were
+farthest off of profession; yet not because I could not endure the light
+(for I feared not to show my gospel to any) but because I found my spirit
+did lean most after awakening and converting work, and the word that I
+carried did lean itself most that way also; _Yea_, _so have I strived to
+preach the gospel_, _not where Christ was named_, _lest I should build
+upon another man’s foundation_.  Rom. xv. 20.
+
+290.  In my preaching I have really been in pain, and have, as it were,
+travailed to bring forth children to God; neither could I be satisfied
+unless some fruits did appear in my work.  If I were fruitless, it
+mattered not who commanded me: but if I were fruitful, I cared not who
+did condemn.  I have thought of that: _Lo_! _children are an heritage of
+the Lord_; _and the fruit of the womb is His reward_.—_As arrows are in
+the hand of a mighty man_, _so are children of the youth_.  _Happy is the
+man that hath his quiver full of them_: _they shall not be ashamed_, _but
+they shall speak with the enemies in the gate_.  Psalm cxxvii. 3–5.
+
+291.  It pleased me nothing to see people drink in opinions, if they
+seemed ignorant of Jesus Christ, and the worth of their own salvation,
+sound conviction for sin, especially for unbelief, and a heart set on
+fire to be saved by Christ, with strong breathings after a truly
+sanctified soul: that it was that delighted me; those were the souls I
+counted blessed.
+
+292.  But in this work, as in all other, I had my temptations attending
+me, and that of divers kinds; as sometimes I should be assaulted with
+great discouragement therein, fearing that I should not be able to speak
+a word at all to edification; nay, that I should not be able to speak
+sense unto the people; at which times I should have such a strange
+faintness and strengthlessness seize upon my body, that my legs have
+scarce been able to carry me to the place of exercise.
+
+293.  Sometimes again when I have been preaching, I have been violently
+assaulted with thoughts of blasphemy, and strongly tempted to speak the
+words with my mouth before the congregation.  I have also at some times,
+even when I have begun to speak the word with much clearness, evidence,
+and liberty of speech, yet been, before the ending of that opportunity,
+so blinded and so estranged from the things I have been speaking, and
+have been also so straightened in my speech, as to utterance before the
+people, that I have been as if I had not known, or remembered what I have
+been about; or as if my head had been in a bag all the time of my
+exercise.
+
+294.  Again, when as sometimes I have been about to preach upon some
+smart and searching portion of the word, I have found the tempter
+suggest, _What_! _will you preach this_!  _This condemns yourself_; _of
+this your own soul is guilty_; _wherefore preach not of it at all_; _or
+if you do_, _yet so mince it_, _as to make way for your own escape_;
+_lest instead of awakening others_, _you lay that guilt upon your own
+soul_, _that you will never get from under_.
+
+295.  But I thank the Lord, I have been kept from consenting to these so
+horrid suggestions, and have rather, as Sampson, bowed myself with all my
+might, to condemn sin and transgression, wherever I found it; yea, though
+therein also I did bring guilt upon my own conscience: _Let me die_
+(thought I), _with the Philistines_, Judges xvi. 29, 30, rather than deal
+corruptly with the blessed word of God.  _Thou that teachest another_,
+_teachest thou not thyself_?  It is far better that thou do judge
+thyself, even by preaching plainly unto others, than that thou, to save
+thyself, imprison the truth in righteousness.  Blessed be God for His
+help also in this.
+
+296.  I have also, while found in this blessed work of Christ, been often
+tempted to pride and liftings up of heart: and though I dare not say, I
+have not been affected with this, yet truly the Lord of His precious
+mercy, hath so carried it towards me, that for the most part I have had
+but small joy to give way to such a thing: for it hath been my every
+day’s portion to be let into the evil of my own heart, and still made to
+see such a multitude of corruptions and infirmities therein, that it hath
+caused hanging down of the head under all my gifts and attainments; I
+have felt this thorn in the flesh, 2 Cor. xii. 8, 9, the very mercy of
+God to me.
+
+297.  I have also had, together with this, some notable place or other of
+the word presented before me, which word hath contained in it some sharp
+and piercing sentence concerning the perishing of the soul,
+notwithstanding gifts and parts: as, for instance, that hath been of
+great use to me: _Though I speak with the tongues of men and angels_,
+_and have not charity_, _I am become as sounding brass_, _and a tinkling
+cymbal_.  1 Cor. xiii. 1, 2.
+
+298.  A tinkling cymbal is an instrument of music, with which a skilful
+player can make such melodious and heart-inflaming music, that all who
+hear him play, can scarcely hold from dancing; and yet behold the cymbal
+hath not life, neither comes the music from it, but because of the art of
+him that plays therewith; so then the instrument at last may come to
+nought and perish, though in times past such music hath been made upon
+it.
+
+299.  Just thus I saw it was, and will be, with them who have gifts, but
+want saving grace; they are in the hand of Christ, as the cymbal in the
+hand of _David_: and as _David_ could with the cymbal make that mirth in
+the service of God, as to elevate the hearts of the worshippers, so
+Christ can use these gifted men, as with them to affect the souls of His
+people in His church; yet when He hath done all, hang them by, as
+lifeless, though sounding cymbals.
+
+300.  This consideration therefore, together with some others, were for
+the most part, as a maul on the head of pride, and desire of vain-glory.
+What, thought I, shall I be proud because I am a sounding brass?  Is it
+so much to be a fiddle? hath not the least creature that hath life, more
+of God in it than these?  Besides, I knew ’twas love should never die,
+but these must cease and vanish: so I concluded, a little grace, a little
+love, a little of the true fear of God, is better than all the gifts:
+yea, and I am fully convinced of it, that it is possible for souls that
+can scarce give a man an answer, but with great confusion as to method; I
+say, it is possible for them to have a thousand times more grace, and so
+to be more in the love and favour of the Lord, than some who by the
+virtue of the gift of knowledge, can deliver themselves like angels.
+
+301.  Thus therefore I came to perceive that, though gifts in themselves
+were good, to the thing for which they are designed, to wit, the
+edification of others; yet empty, and without power to save the soul of
+him that hath them, if they be _alone_: neither are they, as so, any sign
+of a man’s state to be happy, being only a dispensation of God to some,
+of whose improvement, or non-improvement, they must when a little love
+more is over, give an account to Him that is ready to judge the quick and
+the dead.
+
+302.  This showed me too, that gifts being alone, were dangerous, not in
+themselves, but because of those evils that attend them that have them,
+to wit, pride, desire of vain glory, self-conceit, etc., all which were
+easily blown up at the applause and commendation of every unadvised
+Christian, to the endangering of a poor creature to fall into the
+condemnation of the devil.
+
+303.  I saw therefore that he that hath gifts, had need be let into a
+sight of the nature of them, to wit, that they come short of making of
+him to be in a truly saved condition, lest he rest in them, and so fall
+short of the grace of God.
+
+304.  He hath cause also to walk humbly with God and be little in his own
+eyes, and to remember withal, that his gifts are not his own, but the
+churches; and that by them he is made a servant to the church; and he
+must also give at last an account of his stewardship unto the Lord Jesus,
+and to give a good account will be a blessed thing.
+
+305.  Let all men therefore prize a little with the fear of the Lord
+(gifts indeed are desirable), but yet great grace and small gifts are
+better than great gifts and no grace.  It doth not say, the Lord gives
+gifts and glory, but the Lord gives grace and glory; and blessed is such
+an one, to whom the Lord gives grace, true grace; for that is a certain
+forerunner of glory.
+
+306.  But when Satan perceived that his thus tempting and assaulting of
+me, would not answer his design; to wit, to overthrow the ministry, and
+make it ineffectual, as to the ends thereof: then he tried another way,
+which was, to stir up the minds of the ignorant and malicious to load me
+with slanders and reproaches: now therefore I may say, that what the
+devil could devise, and his instruments invent, was whirled up and down
+the country against me, thinking, as I said, that by that means they
+should make my ministry to be abandoned.
+
+307.  It began therefore to be rumoured up and down among the people,
+that I was a witch, a Jesuit, a highwayman, and the like.
+
+              [Picture: Bunyan is looked on with Suspicion]
+
+308.  To all which, I shall only say, God knows that I am innocent.  But
+as for mine accusers, let them provide themselves to meet me before the
+tribunal of the Son of God, there to answer for all these things (with
+all the rest of their iniquities) unless God shall give them repentance
+for them, for the which I pray with all my heart.
+
+309.  But that which was reported with the boldest confidence, was, that
+I had my _misses_, my _whores_, my _bastards_; yea, _two wives_ at once,
+and the like.   Now these slanders (with the others) I glory in, because
+but slanders, foolish or knavish lies, and falsehoods cast upon me by the
+devil and his seed; and, should I not be dealt with thus wickedly by the
+world, I should want one sign of a saint, and a child of God.  _Blessed
+are ye_ (said the Lord Jesus) _when men shall revile you and persecute
+you_, _and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely for My sake_;
+_rejoice and be exceeding glad_, _for great is your reward in heaven_,
+_for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you_.  Matt. iv.
+11.
+
+310.  These things therefore, upon mine own account, trouble me not; no,
+though they were twenty times more than they are.  I have a good
+conscience, and whereas they speak evil of me, as an evil-doer, they
+shall be ashamed that falsely accuse my good conversation in Christ.
+
+311.  So then, what shall I say to those who have thus bespattered me?
+Shall I threaten them?  Shall I chide them?  Shall I flatter them?  Shall
+I entreat them to hold their tongues?  No, not I.  Were it not for that
+these things make them ripe for damnation, that are the authors and
+abettors, I would say unto them, _Report it_, because ’twill increase my
+glory.
+
+312.  Therefore I bind these lies and slanders to me as an ornament; it
+belongs to my Christian profession to be vilified, slandered, reproached
+and reviled; and since all this is nothing else, as my God and my
+conscience do bear me witness, I rejoice in reproaches for Christ’s sake.
+
+313.  I also call all these fools or knaves, that have thus made it any
+thing of their business to affirm any of the things afore-named of me;
+namely, That I have been naught with other women, or the like.  When they
+have used the utmost of their endeavours, and made the fullest inquiry
+that they can, to prove against me truly, that there is any woman in
+heaven, or earth, or hell, that can say, I have at any time, in any
+place, by day or night, so much as attempted to be naught with them; and
+speak I thus to beg my enemies into a good esteem of me?  No, not I: I
+will in this beg belief of no man: believe or disbelieve me in this, all
+is a-case to me.
+
+314.  My foes have missed their mark in this shooting at me: I am not the
+man: I wish that they themselves be guiltless.  If all the fornicators
+and adulterers in _England_ were hanged up by the neck till they be dead,
+_John Bunyan_, the object of their envy, would be still alive and well.
+I know not whether there be such a thing as a woman breathing under the
+copes of the whole heaven, but by their apparel, their children, or by
+common fame, except my wife.
+
+315.  And in this I admire the wisdom of God, that He made me shy of
+women from my first conversion until now.  Those shy of women know, and
+can also bear me witness, with whom I have been most intimately
+concerned, that it is a rare thing to see me carry it pleasant towards a
+woman: the common salutation of women I abhor; ’tis odious to me in
+whomsoever I see it.  Their company alone, I cannot away with; I seldom
+so much as touch a woman’s hand; for I think these things are not so
+becoming me.  When I have seen good men salute those women that they have
+visited, or that have visited them, I have at times made my objection
+against it; and when they have answered, that it was but a piece of
+civility, I have told them, it is not a comely sight.  Some indeed have
+urged the holy kiss; but then I have asked why they made baulks? why they
+did salute the most handsome, and let the ill-favoured go?  Thus, how
+laudable soever such things have been in the eyes of others, they have
+been unseemly in my sight.
+
+316.  And now for a wind-up in this matter, I calling not only men, but
+angels, to prove me guilty of having carnally to do with any woman save
+my wife: nor am I afraid to do it a second time; knowing that it cannot
+offend the Lord in such a case, to call God for a record upon my soul,
+that in these things I am innocent.  Not that I have been thus kept,
+because of any goodness in me, more than any other; but God has been
+merciful to me, and has kept me; to whom I pray that He will keep me
+still, not only from this, but every evil way and work, and preserve me
+to His heavenly kingdom.  _Amen_.
+
+317.  Now as Satan laboured by reproaches and slanders, to make me vile
+among my countrymen; that, if possible, my preaching might be made of
+none effect; so there was added hereto, a long and tedious imprisonment,
+that thereby I might be frightened from my service for Christ, and the
+world terrified, and made afraid to hear me preach; of which I shall in
+the next place give you a brief account.
+
+
+
+A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR’S IMPRISONMENT
+
+
+318.  Having made profession of the glorious gospel of Christ a long
+time, and preached the same about five years, I was apprehended at a
+meeting of good people in the country (among whom, had they let me alone,
+I should have preached that day, but they took me away from amongst
+them), and had me before a justice; who, after I had offered security for
+my appearing at the next sessions, yet committed me, because my sureties
+would not consent to be bound that I should preach no more to the people.
+
+319.  At the sessions after I was indicted for an upholder and maintainer
+of unlawful assemblies and conventicles, and for not conforming to the
+national worship of the church of _England_; and after some conference
+there with the justices, they taking my plain dealing with them for a
+confession, as they termed it, _of the indictment_, _did sentence me to a
+perpetual banishment_, _because I refused to conform_.  So being again
+delivered up to the jailer’s hands, I was had home to prison, and there
+have lain now complete twelve years, waiting to see what God would suffer
+these men to do with me.
+
+320.  In which condition I have continued with much content, through
+grace, but have met with many turnings and goings upon my heart, both
+from the Lord, Satan, and my own corruptions; by all which (glory be to
+Jesus Christ) I have also received among many things, much conviction,
+instruction, and understanding, of which at large I shall not here
+discourse; only give you a hint or two, a word that may stir up the godly
+to bless God, and to pray for me; and also to take encouragement, should
+the case be their own—_not to fear what man can do unto them_.
+
+321.  I never had in all my life so great an inlet into the word of God
+as now: those scriptures that I saw nothing in before, are made in this
+place and state to shine upon me; Jesus Christ also was never more real
+and apparent than now; here I have seen and felt Him indeed: Oh! that
+word, _We have not preached unto you cunningly devised fables_, 2 Pet. i.
+16, and that, _God raised Christ from the dead_, _and gave Him glory_,
+_that our faith and hope might be in God_ 1 Pet. i. 21, were blessed
+words unto me in this my imprisoned condition.
+
+
+322.  These three or four scriptures also have been great refreshments in
+this condition to me: John xiv. 1–4; John xvi. 33; Col. iii. 3, 4; Heb.
+xii. 22–24.  So that sometimes when I have been in the savour of them, I
+have been able to laugh at destruction, _and to fear neither the horse
+nor his rider_.  I have had sweet sights of the forgiveness of my sins in
+this place, and of my being with Jesus in another world: _Oh_! _the mount
+Sion_, _the heavenly Jerusalem_, _the innumerable company of angels_,
+_and God the Judge of all_, _and the spirits of just men made perfect_,
+_and Jesus_, have been sweet unto me in this place: I have seen that
+here, that I am persuaded I shall never, while in this world, be able to
+express: I have seen a truth in this scripture, _Whom having not seen_,
+_ye love_; _in whom_, _though now you see Him not_, _yet believing_, _ye
+rejoice with joy unspeakable_, _and full of glory_.  1 Pet. i. 8.
+
+323.  I never knew what it was for God to stand by me at all turns, and
+at every offer of Satan to afflict me, etc., as I have found Him since I
+came in hither: for look how fears have presented themselves, so have
+supports and encouragements; yea, when I have started, even as it were,
+at nothing else but my shadow, yet God, as being very tender of me, hath
+not suffered me to be molested, but would with one scripture or another,
+strengthen me against all; insomuch that I have often said, _were it
+lawful_, _I could pray for greater trouble_, _for the greater comfort’s
+sake_.  Eccl. vii. 14; 2 Cor. i. 5.
+
+324.  Before I came to prison, I saw what was coming, and had especially
+two considerations warm upon my heart; the first was, how to be able to
+encounter death, should that be here my portion.  For the first of these,
+that scripture, Col. i. 11, was great information to me, namely, to pray
+to God _to be strengthened with all might_, _according to His glorious
+power_, _unto all patience and long-suffering with joyfulness_.  I could
+seldom go to prayer before I was imprisoned; but for not so little as a
+year together, this sentence, or sweet petition would, as it were, thrust
+itself into my mind, and persuade me, that if ever I would go through
+long-suffering, I must have all patience, especially if I would endure it
+joyfully.
+
+325.  As to the second consideration, that saying (2 Cor. i. 9) was of
+great use to me, _But we had the sentence of death in ourselves_, _that
+we should not trust in ourselves_, _but in God_, _which raiseth the
+dead_.  By this scripture I was made to see, That if ever I would suffer
+rightly, I must first pass a sentence of death upon every thing that can
+properly be called a thing of this life, even to reckon myself, my wife,
+my children, my health, my enjoyments, and all as dead to me, and myself
+as dead to them.
+
+326.  The second was to live upon God that is invisible, as Paul said in
+another place; the way not to faint is, _To look not on the things that
+are seen_, _but at the things that are not seen_; _for the things that
+are seen are temporal_, _but the things that are not seen are eternal_.
+And thus I reasoned with myself, if I provide only for a prison, then the
+whip comes at unawares; and so doth also the pillory: Again, if I only
+provide for these, then I am not fit for banishment.  Further, if I
+conclude that banishment is the worst, then if death comes, I am
+surprised: so that I see, the best way to go through sufferings, is to
+trust in God through Christ, as touching the world to come; and as
+touching this world, _to count the grave my house_, _to make my bed in
+darkness_; _to say to corruption_, _Thou art my father_, _and to the
+worm_, _Thou art my mother and sister_: that is, to familiarize these
+things to me.
+
+327.  But notwithstanding these helps, I found myself a man and compassed
+with infirmities; the parting with my wife and poor children, hath often
+been to me in this place, as the pulling the flesh from the bones, and
+that not only because I am somewhat too fond of these great mercies, but
+also because I should have often brought to my mind the many hardships,
+miseries, and wants that my poor family was like to meet with, should I
+be taken from them, especially my poor blind child, who lay nearer my
+heart than all besides: Oh! the thoughts of the hardship I thought my
+poor blind one might go under, would break my heart to pieces.
+
+           [Picture: Bunyan Parting with his Wife and Children]
+
+328.  Poor child! thought I, what sorrow art thou like to have for thy
+portion in this world!  Thou must be beaten, must beg, suffer hunger,
+cold, nakedness, and a thousand calamities, though I cannot now endure
+the wind should blow upon thee.  But yet recalling myself, thought I, I
+must venture you all with God, though it goeth to the quick to leave you:
+Oh! I saw in this condition I was as a man who was pulling down his house
+upon the head of his wife and children; yet, thought I, I must do it, I
+must do it: and now I thought on those _two milch kine that were to carry
+the ark of God into another country_, _and to leave their calves behind
+them_.  1 Sam. vi. 10–12.
+
+329.  But that which helped me in this temptation, was divers
+considerations, of which, three in special here I will name, the first
+was the consideration of these two scriptures, _Leave thy fatherless
+children_, _I will preserve them alive_, _and let thy widows trust in
+me_: and again, _The Lord said_, _Verily it shall be well with thy
+remnant_, _verily_, _I will cause the enemy to entreat thee well in the
+time of evil_, _and in time of affliction_.  Jer. xlix. 11; xv. 11.
+
+330.  I had also this consideration, that if I should not venture all for
+God, I engaged God to take care of my concernments: but if I forsook Him
+and His ways, for fear of any trouble that should come to me or mine,
+then I should not only falsify my profession, but should count also that
+my concernments were not so sure, if left at God’s feet, whilst I stood
+to and for His name, as they would be if they were under my own care,
+though with the denial of the way of God.  This was a smarting
+consideration, and as spurs unto my flesh.  That scripture also greatly
+helped it to fasten the more upon me, where Christ prays against Judas,
+that God would disappoint him in his selfish thoughts, which moved him to
+sell his Master.  Pray read it soberly: Psalm cix. 6–8, etc.
+
+331.  I had also another consideration, and that was, the dread of the
+torments of hell, which I was sure they must partake of that for fear of
+the cross, do shrink from their profession of Christ, His words and laws
+before the sons of men: I thought also of the glory that He had prepared
+for those that in faith, and love, and patience, stood to His ways before
+them.  These things, I say, have helped me, when the thoughts of the
+misery that both myself and mine, might for the sake of my profession be
+exposed to, hath lain pinching on my mind.
+
+332.  When I have indeed conceited that I might be banished for my
+profession, then I have thought of that scripture: _They were stoned_,
+_they were sawn asunder_, _were tempted_, _were slain with the sword_,
+_they wandered about in sheep-skins_, _and goat-skins_, _being
+destitute_, _afflicted_, _tormented_, _of whom the world was not worthy_;
+for all they thought they were too bad to dwell and abide amongst them.
+I have also thought of that saying, _the Holy Ghost witnesseth in every
+city_, _that bonds and afflictions abide me_.  I have verily thought that
+_my_ soul and _it_ have sometimes reasoned about the sore and sad estate
+of a banished and exiled condition, how they were exposed to hunger, to
+cold, to perils, to nakedness, to enemies, and a thousand calamities; and
+at last, it may be, to die in a ditch, like a poor and desolate sheep.
+But I thank God, hitherto I have not been moved by these most _delicate_
+reasonings, but have rather, by them, more approved my heart to God.
+
+333.  I will tell you a pretty business:—I was once above all the rest,
+in a very sad and low condition for many weeks; at which time also, I
+being but a young prisoner, and not acquainted with the laws, had this
+lying much upon my spirits, _that my imprisonment might end at the
+gallows for ought that I could tell_.  Now therefore Satan laid hard at
+me, to beat me out of heart, by suggesting thus unto me: _But how if_,
+_when you come indeed to die_, _you should be in this condition_; _that
+is_, _as not to savour the things of God_, _nor to have any evidence upon
+your soul for a better state hereafter_? (for indeed at that time all the
+things of God were hid from my soul).
+
+334.  Wherefore, when I at first began to think of this, it was a great
+trouble to me; for I thought with myself, that in the condition I now was
+in, I was not fit to die, neither indeed did I think I could, if I should
+be called to it; besides, I thought with myself, if I should make a
+scrambling shift to clamber up the ladder, yet I should either with
+quaking, or other symptoms of fainting, give occasion to the enemy to
+reproach the way of God and His people for their timorousness.  This,
+therefore, lay with great trouble upon me, for methought I was ashamed to
+die with a pale face, and tottering knees, in such a cause as this.
+
+335.  Wherefore I prayed to God that He would comfort me, and give me
+strength to do and suffer me what He should call me to; yet no comfort
+appeared, but all continued hid: I was also at this time, so really
+possessed with the thought of death, that oft I was as if I was on a
+ladder with the rope about my neck; only this was some encouragement to
+me; I thought I might now have an opportunity to speak my last words to a
+multitude, which I thought would come to see me die; and, thought I, if
+it must be so, if God will but convert one soul by my very last words, I
+shall not count my life thrown away, nor lost.
+
+336.  But yet all the things of God were kept out of my sight, and still
+the tempter followed me with, _But whither must you go when you die_?
+_what will become of you_? _where will you be found in another world_?
+_what evidence have you for heaven and glory_, _and an inheritance among
+them that are sanctified_?  Thus was I tossed for many weeks, and knew
+not what to do; at last this consideration fell with weight upon me,
+_that it was for the word and way of God that I was in this condition_,
+_Wherefore I was engaged not to flinch an hair’s breadth from it_.
+
+337.  I thought also, that God might choose whether He would give me
+comfort now, or at the hour of death; but I might not therefore choose
+whether I would hold my profession or no: I was bound, but He was free;
+yea, ’twas my duty to stand to His word, whether He would ever look upon
+me or save me at the last: wherefore, thought I, save the point being
+thus, I am for going on, and venturing my eternal state with Christ,
+whether I have comfort here or no; if God doth not come in, thought I, _I
+will leap off the ladder even blindfold into eternity_, _sink or swim_,
+_come heaven_, _come hell_, _Lord Jesus_, _if Thou wilt catch me_, _do_;
+_if not_, _I will venture for Thy name_.
+
+338.  I was no sooner fixed in this resolution, but the word dropped upon
+me, _Doth Job serve God for nought_?  As if the accuser had said, _Lord_,
+_Job is no upright man_, _he serves Thee for bye-respects_: _hast Thou
+not made an hedge about him_, _etc._  _But put forth now Thine hand_,
+_and touch all that he hath_, _and_, _he will curse Thee to Thy face_.
+How now! thought I, is this the sign of an upright soul, to desire to
+serve God, when all is taken from him?  Is he a godly man that will serve
+God for nothing, rather than give out!  Blessed be God! then I hope I
+have an upright heart, for I am resolved (God giving me strength) never
+to deny my profession, though I have nothing at all for my pains: and as
+I was thus considering, that scripture was set before me: Psalm xliv. 12,
+etc.
+
+339.  Now was my heart full of comfort; for I hoped it was sincere: I
+would not have been without this trial for much; I am comforted every
+time I think of it, and I hope I shall bless God for ever, for the
+teaching I have had by it.  Many more of the dealings towards me I might
+relate, _But these out of the spoils won in battle I have dedicated to
+maintain the house of God_.  1 Chron. xxvi. 27.
+
+
+
+THE CONCLUSION
+
+
+1.  OF all the temptations that ever I met with in my life, to question
+the being of God, and truth of His gospel is the worst, and the worst to
+be borne; when this temptation comes, it takes away my girdle from me,
+and removeth the foundation from under me: Oh! I have often thought of
+that word, _Have your loins girt about with truth_; and of that, _When
+the foundations are destroyed_, _what can the righteous do_?
+
+2.  Sometimes, when after sin committed, I have looked for sore
+chastisement from the hand of God, the very next that I have had from
+Him, hath been the discovery of His grace.  Sometimes when I have been
+comforted, I have called myself a fool for my so sinking under trouble.
+And then again, when I have been cast down, I thought I was not wise, to
+give such way to comfort; with such strength and weight have both these
+been upon me.
+
+3.  I have wondered much at this one thing, that though God doth visit my
+soul with never so blessed a discovery of Himself, yet I have found
+again, that such hours have attended me afterwards, that I have been in
+my spirit so filled with darkness, that I could not so much as once
+conceive what that God and that comfort was, with which I have been
+refreshed.
+
+4.  I have sometimes seen more in a line of the Bible, than I could well
+tell how to stand under; and yet at another time, the whole Bible hath
+been to me as dry as a stick; or rather, My heart hath been so dead and
+dry unto it, that I could not conceive the refreshment, though I have
+looked it all over.
+
+5.  Of all fears, they are best that are made by the blood of Christ; and
+of all joy, that is the sweetest that is mixed with mourning over Christ:
+Oh! it is a goodly thing to be on our knees, with Christ in our arms,
+before God: I hope I know something of these things.
+
+6.  I find to this day seven abominations in my heart: 1. Inclining to
+unbelief; 2. Suddenly to forget the love and mercy that Christ
+manifesteth; 3. A leaning to the works of the law; 4. Wanderings and
+coldness in prayer; 5. To forget to watch for that I pray for; 6. Apt to
+murmur because I have no more, and yet ready to abuse what I have; 7. I
+can do none of those things which God commands me, but my corruptions
+will thrust in themselves.  When I would do good, evil is present with
+me.
+
+7.  These things I continually see and feel, and am afflicted and
+oppressed with, yet the wisdom of God doth order them for my good; 1.
+They make me abhor myself; 2. They keep me from trusting my heart; 3.
+They convince me of the insufficiency of all inherent righteousness; 4.
+They show me the necessity of flying to Jesus; 5. They press me to pray
+unto God; 6. They show me the need I have to watch and be sober; 7. And
+provoke me to pray unto God, through Christ, to help me, and carry me
+through this world.
+
+
+
+
+A RELATION OF MY IMPRISONMENT IN THE MONTH OF NOVEMBER 1660
+
+
+WHEN, by the good hand of my God, I had for five or six years together,
+without any interruption, freely preached the blessed gospel of our Lord
+Jesus Christ; and had also, through His blessed grace, some encouragement
+by His blessing thereupon; the devil, that old enemy of man’s salvation,
+took his opportunity to inflame the hearts of his vassals against me,
+insomuch that at the last, I was laid out for by the warrant of a
+justice, and was taken and committed to prison.  The relation thereof is
+as followeth:—
+
+Upon the 12th of this instant, November 1660, I was desired by some of
+the friends in the country to come to teach at _Samsell_, by
+_Harlington_, in _Bedfordshire_.  To whom I made a promise, if the Lord
+permitted, to be with them on the time aforesaid.  The justice hearing
+thereof (whose name is Mr _Francis Wingate_), forthwith issued out his
+warrant to take me, and bring me before him, and in the meantime to keep
+a very strong watch about the house where the meeting should be kept, as
+if we that were to meet together in that place did intend to do some
+fearful business, to the destruction of the country; when alas! the
+constable, when he came in, found us only with our Bibles in our hands,
+ready to speak and hear the word of God; for we were just about to begin
+our exercise.  Nay, we had begun in prayer for the blessing of God upon
+our opportunity, intending to have preached the word of the Lord unto
+them there present: {184} but the constable coming in prevented us.  So I
+was taken and forced to depart the room.  But had I been minded to have
+played the coward, I could have escaped and kept out of his hands.  For
+when I was come to my friend’s house, there was whispering that that day
+I should be taken, for there was a warrant out to take me; which when my
+friend heard, he being somewhat timorous, questioned whether we had best
+have our meeting or not; and whether it might not be better for me to
+depart, lest they should take me and have me before the justice, and
+after that send me to prison (for he knew better than I what spirit they
+were of, living by them): to whom I said, No, by no means, I will not
+stir, neither will I have the meeting dismissed for this.  Come, be of
+good cheer; let us not be daunted; our cause is good, we need not be
+ashamed of it; to preach God’s Word, is so good a work, that we shall be
+well rewarded, if we suffer for that; or to this purpose—(But as for my
+friend, I think he was more afraid of me, than of himself.)  After this I
+walked into the close, where I somewhat seriously considering the matter,
+this came into my mind, That I had showed myself hearty and courageous in
+my preaching, and had, blessed be grace, made it my business to encourage
+others; therefore thought I, if I should now run, and make an escape, it
+will be of a very ill savour in the country.  For what will my weak and
+newly-converted brethren think of it, but that I was not so strong in
+deed as I was in word?  Also I feared that if I should run now there was
+a warrant out for me, I might by so doing make them afraid to stand, when
+great words only should be spoken to them.  Besides I thought, that
+seeing God of His mercy should choose me to go upon the forlorn hope in
+this country; that is, to be the first, that should be opposed, for the
+gospel; if I should fly, it might be a discouragement to the whole body
+that might follow after.  And further, I thought the world thereby would
+take occasion at my cowardliness, to have blasphemed the gospel, and to
+have had some ground to suspect worse of me and my profession, than I
+deserved.  These things with others considered by me, I came in again to
+the house, with a full resolution to keep the meeting, and not to go
+away, though I could have been gone about an hour before the officer
+apprehended me; but I would not; for I was resolved to see the utmost of
+what they could say or do unto me.  For blessed be the Lord, I knew of no
+evil that I had said or done.  And so, as aforesaid, I begun the meeting.
+But being prevented by the constable’s coming in with his warrant to take
+me, I could not proceed.  But before I went away, I spake some few words
+of counsel and encouragement to the people, declaring to them, that they
+saw we were prevented of our opportunity to speak and hear the Word of
+God, and were like to suffer for the same; desiring them that they would
+not be discouraged, for it was a mercy to suffer upon so good account.
+For we might have been apprehended as thieves or murderers, or for other
+wickedness; but blessed be God it was not so, but we suffer as Christians
+for well doing: and we had better be the persecuted, than the
+persecutors, etc.  But the constable and the justice’s man waiting on us,
+would not be at quiet till they had me away and that we departed the
+house.  But because the justice was not at home that day, there was a
+friend of mine engaged for me to bring me to the constable on the morrow
+morning.  Otherwise the constable must have charged a watch with me, or
+have secured me some other way, my crime was so great.  So on the next
+morning we went to the constable, and so to the justice. {187a}  He asked
+the constable what we did, where we was met together, and what we had
+with us?  I trow, he meant whether we had armour or not; but when the
+constable told him that there were only met a few of us together to
+preach and hear the Word, and no sign of anything else, he could not well
+tell what to say: yet because he had sent for me, he did adventure to put
+out a few proposals to me, which were to this effect, namely, What I did
+there?  And why I did not content myself with following my calling? for
+it was against the law, that such as I should be admitted to do as I did.
+
+_John Bunyan_.  To which I answered, That the intent of my coming
+thither, and to other places, was to instruct, and counsel people to
+forsake their sins, and close in with Christ, lest they did miserably
+perish; and that I could do both these without confusion (to wit), follow
+my calling, and preach the Word also.
+
+At which words, he {187b} was in a chafe, as it appeared; for he said
+that he would break the neck of our meetings.
+
+_Bun._  I said, It may be so.  Then he wished me to get sureties to be
+bound for me, or else he would send me to the jail.
+
+My sureties being ready, I called them in, and when the bond for my
+appearance was made, he told them, that they was bound to keep me from
+preaching; and that if I did preach, their bonds would be forfeited.  To
+which I answered, that then I should break them; for I should not leave
+speaking the Word of God: even to counsel, comfort, exhort, and teach the
+people among whom I came; and I thought this to be a work that had no
+hurt in it: but was rather worthy of commendation, than blame.
+
+_Wingate_.  Whereat he told me, that if they would not be so bound, my
+mittimus must be made, and I sent to the jail, there to lie to the
+quarter sessions.
+
+Now while my mittimus was making, the justice was withdrawn; and in comes
+an old enemy to the truth, Dr Lindale, who, when he was come in, fell to
+taunting at me with many reviling terms.
+
+_Bun._  To whom I answered, that I did not come thither to talk with him,
+but with the justice.  Whereat he supposed that I had nothing to say for
+myself, and triumphed as if he had got the victory; charging and
+condemning me for meddling with that for which I could show no warrant;
+and asked me, if I had taken the oaths? and if I had not, it was pity but
+that I should be sent to prison, etc.
+
+I told him, that if I was minded, I could answer to any sober question
+that he should put to me.  He then urged me again, how I could prove it
+lawful for me to preach, with a great deal of confidence of the victory.
+
+But at last, because he should see that I could answer him if I listed, I
+cited to him that verse in Peter, which saith, _every man hath received
+the gift_, _even so let him minister the same_, _etc._
+
+_Lind._  Aye, saith he, to whom is that spoken?
+
+_Bun._  To whom, said I, why to every man that hath received a gift from
+God.  Mark, saith the apostle, _As every man that hath received a gift
+from God_, etc.; and again, _You may all prophesy one by one_.  Whereat
+the man was a little stopt, and went a softlier pace: but not being
+willing to lose the day, he began again, and said:—
+
+_Lind._  Indeed, I do remember that I have read of one Alexander a
+coppersmith, who did much oppose, and disturb the apostles;—(aiming it is
+like at me, because I was a tinker).
+
+_Bun._  To which I answered, that I also had read of very many priests
+and pharisees, that had their hands in the blood of our Lord Jesus
+Christ.
+
+_Lind._  Aye, saith he, and you are one of those scribes and pharisees:
+for you, with a pretence, make long prayers to devour widows’ houses.
+
+_Bun._  I answered, that if he had got no more by preaching and praying
+than I had done, he would not be so rich as now he was.  But that
+scripture coming into my mind, _Answer not a fool according to his
+folly_, I was as sparing of my speech as I could, without prejudice to
+truth.
+
+Now by this time my mittimus was made, and I committed to the constable,
+to be sent to the jail in Bedford, etc.
+
+But as I was going, two of my brethren met with me by the way, and
+desired the constable to stay, supposing that they should prevail with
+the justice, through the favour of a pretended friend, to let me go at
+liberty.  So we did stay, while they went to the justice; and after much
+discourse with him, it came to this: that if I would come to him again,
+and say some certain words to him, I should be released.  Which when they
+told me, I said if the words was such that might be said with a good
+conscience, I should or else I should not.  So through their importunity
+went back again, but not believing that I should be delivered: for I
+feared their spirit was too full of opposition to the truth to let me go,
+unless I should, in something or other, dishonour my God and wound my
+conscience.  Wherefore, as I went, I lifted up my heart to God, for light
+and strength to be kept, that I might not do any thing that might either
+dishonour Him, or wrong my own soul, or be a grief or discouragement to
+any that was inclining after the Lord Jesus Christ.
+
+Well, when I came to the justice again, there was Mr _Foster_ of Bedford,
+who, coming out of another room, and seeing me by the light of the candle
+(for it was dark night when I went thither), he said unto me, Who is
+there? _John Bunyan_? with such seeming affection, as if he would have
+leaped on my neck and kissed {191a} me, which made me somewhat wonder,
+that such a man as he, with whom I had so little acquaintance, and,
+besides, that had ever been a close opposer of the ways of God, should
+carry himself so full of love to me; but, afterwards, when I saw what he
+did, it caused me to remember those sayings, _Their tongues are smoother
+than oil_, _but their words are drawn swords_.   And again, _Beware of
+men_, _etc._  When I {191b} had answered him, that blessed be God, I was
+well; he said, What is the occasion of your being here? or to that
+purpose.  To whom I answered, that I was at a meeting of people a little
+way off, intending to speak a word of exhortation to them; the justice
+hearing thereof, said I, was pleased to send his warrant to fetch me
+before him, etc.
+
+_Fost._  So (said he), I understand: but well, if you will promise to
+call the people no more together, you shall have your liberty to go home;
+for my brother is very loath to send you to prison, if you will be but
+ruled.
+
+_Bun._  Sir (said I), pray what do you mean by calling the people
+together? my business is not anything among them, when they are come
+together, but to exhort them to look after the salvation of their souls,
+that they may be saved, etc.
+
+_Fost._  Saith he, We must not enter into explication, or dispute now;
+but if you will say you will call the people no more together, you may
+have your liberty; if not, you must be sent away to prison.
+
+_Bun._  Sir, said I, I shall not force or compel any man to hear me; but
+yet, if I come into any place where there is a people met together, I
+should, according to the best of my skill and wisdom, exhort and counsel
+them to seek out after the Lord Jesus Christ, for the salvation of their
+souls.
+
+_Fost._  He said, That was none of my work; I must follow my calling; and
+if I would but leave off preaching, and follow my calling, I should have
+the justice’s favour, and be acquitted presently.
+
+_Bun._  To whom I said, that I could follow my calling, and that too,
+namely, preaching the Word: and I did look upon it as my duty to do them
+both, as I had an opportunity.
+
+_Fost._  He said, To have any such meetings was against the law; and,
+therefore, he would have me leave off, and say, I would call the people
+no more together.
+
+_Bun._  To whom I said, that I durst not make any further promise; for my
+conscience would not suffer me to do it.  And again, I did look upon it
+as my duty to do as much good as I could, not only in my trade, but also
+in communicating to all people wheresoever I came the best knowledge I
+had in the Word.
+
+_Fost._  He told me that I was the nearest the Papists of any, and that
+he would convince me of immediately.
+
+_Bun._  I asked him, Wherein?
+
+_Fost._  He said, In that we understood the Scriptures literally.
+
+_Bun._  I told him that those that were to be understood literally, we
+understood them so; but for those that was to be understood otherwise, we
+endeavoured so to understand them.
+
+_Fost._  He said, Which of the Scriptures do you understand literally?
+
+_Bun._  I said this, _He that believes shall be saved_.  This was to be
+understood just as it is spoken; that whosoever believeth in Christ
+shall, according to the plain and simple words of the text, be saved.
+
+_Fost._  He said that I was ignorant, and did not understand the
+Scriptures; for how, said he, can you understand them when you know not
+the original Greek? etc.
+
+_Bun._  To whom I said, that if that was his opinion, that none could
+understand the Scriptures but those that had the original Greek, etc.,
+then but a very few of the poorest sort should be saved (this is harsh);
+yet the Scripture saith, _That God hides these things from the wise and
+prudent_ (that is, from the learned of the world), _and reveals them to
+babes and sucklings_.
+
+_Fost._  He said there were none that heard me but a company of foolish
+people.
+
+_Bun._  I told him that there was the wise as well as the foolish that do
+hear me; and again, those that were most commonly counted foolish by the
+world are the wisest before God; also, that God had rejected the wise,
+and mighty, and noble, and chosen the foolish, and the base.
+
+_Fost._  He told me that I made people neglect their calling; and that
+God had commanded people to work six days, and serve Him on the seventh.
+
+_Bun._  I told him that it was the duty of people, (both rich and poor),
+to look out for their souls on them days as well as for their bodies; and
+that God would have His people exhort one another daily, while it is
+called to-day.
+
+_Fost._  He said again that there were none but a company of poor,
+simple, ignorant people that come to hear me.
+
+_Bun._  I told him that the foolish and the ignorant had most need of
+teaching and information; and, therefore, it would be profitable for me
+to go on in that work.
+
+_Fost._  Well, said he, to conclude, but will you promise that you will
+not call the people together any more? and then you may be released and
+go home.
+
+_Bun._  I told him that I durst say no more than I had said; for I durst
+not leave off that work which God had called me to.
+
+So he withdrew from me, and then came several of the justice’s servants
+to me, and told me that I stood so much upon a nicety.  Their master,
+they said, was willing to let me go; and if I would but say I would call
+the people no more together, I might have my liberty, etc.
+
+_Bun._  I told them there were more ways than one in which a man might be
+said to call the people together.  As for instance, if a man get upon the
+market-place, and there read a book, or the like, though he do not say to
+the people, Sirs, come hither and hear; yet if they come to him because
+he reads, he, by his very reading, may be said to call them together;
+because they would not have been there to hear if he had not been there
+to read.  And seeing this might be termed a calling the people together;
+I durst not say, I would not call them together; for then, by the same
+argument, my preaching might be said to call them together.
+
+_Wing. and Fost._  Then came the justice and Mr Foster to me again; (we
+had a little more discourse about preaching, but because the method of it
+is out of my mind, I pass it); and when they saw that I was at a point,
+and would not be moved nor persuaded, Mr Foster, the man that did at
+first express so much love to me, told the justice that then he must send
+me away to prison.  And that he would do well, also, if he would present
+all those that were the cause of my coming among them to meetings.  Thus
+we parted.
+
+And, verily, as I was going forth of the doors, I had much ado to forbear
+saying to them that I carried the peace of God along with me; but I held
+my peace, and, blessed be the Lord, went away to prison, with God’s
+comfort in my poor soul.
+
+After I had lain in the jail five or six days, the brethren sought means,
+again, to get me out by bondsmen; (for so ran my mittimus, that I should
+lie there till I could find sureties).  They went to a justice at Elstow,
+one Mr Crumpton, to desire him to take bond for my appearing at the
+quarter sessions.  At the first he told them he would; but afterwards he
+made a demur at the business, and desired first to see my mittimus, which
+ran to this purpose: That I went about to several conventicles in the
+county, to the great disparagement of the government of the church of
+England, etc.  When he had seen it, he said that there might be something
+more against me than was expressed in my mittimus; and that he was but a
+young man, therefore he durst not do it.  This my jailor told me; and,
+whereat I was not at all daunted but rather glad, and saw evidently that
+the Lord had heard me; for before I went down to the justice, I begged of
+God that if I might do more good by being at liberty than in prison, that
+then I might be set at liberty; but if not, His will be done; for I was
+not altogether without hopes but that my imprisonment might be an
+awakening to the saints in the country, therefore I could not tell well
+which to choose; only I, in that manner, did commit the thing to God.
+And verily, at my return, I did meet my God sweetly in the prison again,
+comforting of me and satisfying of me that it was His will and mind that
+I should be there.
+
+When I came back again to prison, as I was musing at the slender answer
+of the justice, this word dropt in upon my heart with some life, _For He
+knew that for envy they had delivered Him_.
+
+Thus have I, in short, declared the manner and occasion of my being in
+prison; where I lie waiting the good will of God, to do with me as He
+pleaseth; knowing that not one hair of my head can fall to the ground
+without the will of my Father, which is in heaven.  Let the rage and
+malice of men be never so great, they can do no more, nor go any further,
+than God permits them; but when they have done their worst, We know all
+things shall work together for good to them that love God.
+
+Farewell.
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+_Here is the Sum of my Examination before Justice_ KEELIN, _Justice_
+CHESTER, _Justice_ BLUNDALE, _Justice_ BEECHER, _Justice_ SNAGG, _etc._
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+AFTER I had lain in prison above seven weeks, the quarter-sessions were
+to be kept in Bedford, for the county thereof, unto which I was to be
+brought; and when my jailor had set me before those justices, there was a
+bill of indictment preferred against me.  The extent thereof was as
+followeth: That John Bunyan, of the town of Bedford, labourer, being a
+person of such and such conditions, he hath (since such a time)
+devilishly and perniciously abstained from coming to church to hear
+Divine service, and is a common upholder of several unlawful meetings and
+conventicles, to the great disturbance and distraction of the good
+subjects of this kingdom, contrary to the laws of our sovereign lord the
+King, etc.
+
+_The Clerk_.  When this was read, the clerk of the sessions said unto me,
+What say you to this?
+
+_Bun._  I said, that as to the first part of it, I was a common
+frequenter of the Church of God.  And was also, by grace, a member with
+the people, over whom Christ is the Head.
+
+_Keelin_.  But, saith Justice _Keelin_ (who was the judge in that court),
+do you come to church (you know what I mean); to the parish church, to
+hear Divine service?
+
+_Bun._  I answered, No, I did not.
+
+_Keel._  He asked me, Why?
+
+_Bun._  I said, Because I did not find it commanded in the Word of God.
+
+_Keel._  He said, We were commanded to pray.
+
+_Bun._  I said, But not by the Common Prayer-Book.
+
+_Keel._  He said, How then?
+
+_Bun._  I said, With the Spirit.  As the apostle saith, _I will pray with
+the Spirit_, _and with the understanding_.  1 Cor. xiv. 15.
+
+_Keel._  He said, We might pray with the Spirit, and with the
+understanding, and with the Common Prayer-Book also.
+
+_Bun._  I said, that the prayers in the Common Prayer-Book were such as
+was made by other men, and not by the motions of the Holy Ghost, within
+our hearts; and as I said, the apostle saith, he will pray with the
+Spirit, and with the understanding; not with the Spirit and the Common
+Prayer-Book.
+
+_Another Justice_.  What do you count prayer?  Do you think it is to say
+a few words over before or among a people?
+
+_Bun._  I said, No, not so; for men might have many elegant, or excellent
+words, and yet not pray at all; but when a man prayeth, he doth, through
+a sense of those things which he wants (which sense is begotten by the
+Spirit), pour out his heart before God through Christ; though his words
+be not so many and so excellent as others are.
+
+_Justices_.  They said, That was true.
+
+_Bun._  I said, This might be done without the Common Prayer-Book.
+
+_Another_.  One of them said (I think it was Justice _Blundale_, or
+Justice _Snagg_), How should we know that you do not write out your
+prayers first, and then read them afterwards to the people?  This he
+spake in a laughing way.
+
+_Bun._  I said, it is not our use, to take a pen and paper, and write a
+few words thereon, and then go and read it over to a company of people.
+
+But how should we know it, said he?
+
+_Bun._  Sir, it is none of our custom, said I.
+
+_Keel._  But said Justice _Keelin_, It is lawful to use the Common
+Prayer, and such like forms: for Christ taught His disciples to pray, as
+John also taught his disciples.  And further, said he, Cannot one man
+teach another to pray?  Faith comes by hearing; and one man may convince
+another of sin, and therefore prayers made by men, and read over, are
+good to teach, and help men to pray.
+
+While he was speaking these words, God brought that word into my mind, in
+the eighth of the Romans, at the 26th verse.  I say, God brought it, for
+I thought not on it before: but as he was speaking, it came so fresh into
+my mind, and was set so evidently before me, as if the scripture had
+said, Take me, take me; so when he had done speaking,
+
+_Bun._  I said, Sir, the scripture saith, that _it is the spirit that
+helpeth our infirmities_; for we know not what we should pray for as we
+ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us, with sighs and
+groanings which cannot be uttered.  Mark, said I, it doth not say the
+Common Prayer-Book teacheth us how to pray, but the Spirit.  And it is
+_the Spirit that helpeth our infirmities_, saith the apostle; he doth not
+say it is the Common Prayer-Book.
+
+And as to the Lord’s prayer, although it be an easy thing to say, _Our
+Father_, etc., with the mouth; yet there is very few that can, in the
+Spirit, say the two first words in that prayer; that is, that can call
+God their Father, as knowing what it is to be born again, and as having
+experience, that they are begotten of the Spirit of God: which if they do
+not, all is but babbling, etc.
+
+_Keel._  Justice _Keelin_ said that that was a truth.
+
+_Bun._  And I say further, as to your saying that one man may convince
+another of sin, and that faith comes by hearing, and that one man may
+tell another how he should pray, etc., I say men may tell each other of
+their sins, but it is the Spirit that must convince them.
+
+And though it be said that _faith comes by hearing_: yet it is the Spirit
+that worketh faith in the heart through hearing, or else _they are not
+profited by hearing_.  Heb. iv. 12.
+
+And that though one man may tell another how he should pray: yet, as I
+said before, he cannot pray, nor make his condition known to God, except
+the Spirit help.  It is not the Common Prayer-Book that can do this.  It
+is the _Spirit that showeth us our sins_, and the _Spirit that showeth us
+a Saviour_, Jn. xvi. 16, and the Spirit that stirreth up in our hearts
+desires to come to God, for such things as we stand in need of, Matt. xi.
+27, even sighing out our souls unto Him for them with _groans which
+cannot be uttered_.  With other words to the same purpose.  At this they
+were set.
+
+_Keel._  But says Justice _Keelin_, What have you against the Common
+Prayer-Book?
+
+_Bun._  I said, Sir, if you will hear me, I shall lay down my reasons
+against it.
+
+_Keel._  He said I should have liberty; but first, said he, let me give
+you one caution; take heed of speaking irreverently of the Common
+Prayer-Book; for if you do so, you will bring great damage upon yourself.
+
+_Bun._  So I proceeded, and said, My first reason was, because it was not
+commanded in the Word of God, and therefore I could not use it.
+
+_Another_.  One of them said, Where do you find it commanded in the
+Scripture, that you should go to _Elstow_, or _Bedford_, and yet it is
+lawful to go to either of them, is it not?
+
+_Bun._  I said, To go to _Elstow_, or _Bedford_, was a civil thing, and
+not material, though not commanded, and yet God’s Word allowed me to go
+about my calling, and therefore if it lay there, then to go thither, etc.
+But to pray, was a great part of the Divine worship of God, and therefore
+it ought to be done according to the rule of God’s Word.
+
+_Another_.  One of them said, He will do harm; let him speak no further.
+
+_Keel._  Justice _Keelin_ said, No, no, never fear him, we are better
+established than so; he can do no harm; we know the Common Prayer-Book
+hath been ever since the apostles’ time, and it is lawful for it to be
+used in the church.
+
+_Bun._  I said, Show me the place in the epistles, where the Common
+Prayer-Book is written, or one text of Scripture, that commands me to
+read it, and I will use it.  But yet, notwithstanding, said I, they that
+have a mind to use it, they have their liberty; that is, I would not keep
+them from it; but for our parts, we can pray to God without it.  Blessed
+be His name!
+
+With that, one of them said, Who is your God?  Beelzebub?  Moreover, they
+often said, that I was possessed with the spirit of delusion, and of the
+devil.  All which sayings I passed over; the Lord forgive them!  And
+further, I said, Blessed be the Lord for it; we are encouraged to meet
+together, and to pray, and exhort one another; for, we have had the
+comfortable presence of God among us.  For ever blessed be His holy name!
+
+_Keel._  Justice _Keelin_ called this pedler’s French, saying, that I
+must leave off my canting.  The Lord open his eyes!
+
+_Bun._  I said that we ought to exhort one another daily, while it is
+called to-day, etc.
+
+_Keel._  Justice _Keelin_ said that I ought not to preach; and asked me
+where I had my authority? with other such like words.
+
+_Bun._  I said that I would prove that it was lawful for me, and such as
+I am, to preach the Word of God.
+
+_Keel._  He said unto me, By what Scripture?
+
+_Bun._  I said, By that in the first epistle of Peter, chap. iv. 10, 11,
+and Acts xviii., with other Scriptures, which he would not suffer me to
+mention.  But said, Hold; not so many, which is the first?
+
+_Bun._  I said this: _As every man hath received the gift_, _even so let
+him minister the same unto another_, _as good stewards of the manifold
+grace of God_.  _If any man speak_, _let him speak as the oracles of
+God_, _etc._
+
+_Keel._  He said, Let me a little open that Scripture to you: _As every
+man hath received the gift_; that is, said he, as every one hath received
+a trade, so let him follow it.  If any man have received a gift of
+tinkering, as thou hast done, let him follow his tinkering.  And so other
+men their trades.  And the divine his calling, etc.
+
+_Bun._  Nay, sir, said I, but it is most clear, that the apostle speaks
+here of preaching the Word; if you do but compare both the verses
+together, the next verse explains this gift what it is, saying, _if any
+man speak_, _let him speak as the oracles of God_.  So that it is plain,
+that the Holy Ghost doth not so much in this place exhort to civil
+callings, as to the exercising of those gifts that we have received from
+God.  I would have gone on, but he would not give me leave.
+
+_Keel._  He said, We might do it in our families, but not otherways.
+
+_Bun._  I said, If it was lawful to do good to some, it was lawful to do
+good to more.  If it was a good duty to exhort our families, it was good
+to exhort others; but if they held it a sin to meet together to seek the
+face of God, and exhort one another to follow Christ, I should sin still;
+for so we should do.
+
+_Keel._  He said he was not so well versed in Scripture as to dispute, or
+words to that purpose.  And said, moreover, that they could not wait upon
+me any longer; but said to me, Then you confess the indictment, do you
+not?  Now, and not till now, I saw I was indicted.
+
+_Bun._  I said, This I confess, we have had many meetings together, both
+to pray to God, and to exhort one another, and that we had the sweet
+comforting presence of the Lord among us for our encouragement; blessed
+be His name therefore.  I confessed myself guilty no otherwise.
+
+_Keel._  Then, said he, bear your judgment.  You must be had back again
+to prison, and there lie for three months following; and at three months’
+end, if you do not submit to go to church to hear Divine service, and
+leave your preaching, you must be banished the realm: and if, after such
+a day as shall be appointed you to be gone, you shall be found in this
+realm, etc., or be found to come over again without special licence from
+the king, etc., you must stretch by the neck for it, I tell you plainly:
+and so he bid my jailor have me away.
+
+_Bun._  I told him, as to this matter, I was at a point with him; for if
+I were out of prison to-day, I would preach the Gospel again to-morrow,
+by the help of God.
+
+_Another_.  To which one made me some answer: but my jailor pulling me
+away to be gone, I could not tell what he said.
+
+Thus I departed from them; and I can truly say, I bless the Lord _Jesus
+Christ_ for it, that my heart was sweetly refreshed in the time of my
+examination, and also afterwards, at my returning to the prison.  So that
+I found Christ’s words more than bare trifles, where He saith, _I will
+give you a mouth and wisdom_, _which all your adversaries shall not be
+able to gainsay_, _nor resist_.  Luke xxi. 15.  And that His peace no man
+can take from us.
+
+Thus have I given you the substance of my examination.  The Lord make
+this profitable to all that shall read or hear it.  Farewell.
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+_The Substance of some Discourse had between the Clerk of the Peace and
+myself_; _when he came to admonish me_, _according to the tenor of that
+Law_, _by which I was in prison_.
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+WHEN I had lain in prison other twelve weeks, and now not knowing what
+they intended to do with me, upon the third of April 1661, comes Mr Cobb
+unto me (as he told me), being sent by the justices to admonish me; and
+demand of me submittance to the church of England, etc.  The extent of
+our discourse was as followeth.
+
+_Cobb_.  When he was come into the house he sent for me out of my
+chamber; who, when I was come unto him, he said, Neighbour _Bunyan_, how
+do you do?
+
+_Bun._  I thank you, Sir, said I, very well, blessed be the Lord.
+
+_Cobb_.  Saith he, I come to tell you, that it is desired you would
+submit yourself to the laws of the land, or else at the next sessions it
+will go worse with you, even to be sent away out of the nation, or else
+worse than that.
+
+_Bun._  I said that I did desire to demean myself in the world, both as
+becometh a man and a Christian.
+
+_Cobb_.  But, saith he, you must submit to the laws of the land, and
+leave off those meetings which you was wont to have; for the statute-law
+is directly against it; and I am sent to you by the justices to tell you
+that they do intend to prosecute the law against you if you submit not.
+
+_Bun._  I said, Sir, I conceive that that law by which I am in prison at
+this time, doth not reach or condemn either me, or the meetings which I
+do frequent; that law was made against those, that being designed to do
+evil in their meetings, making the exercise of religion their pretence,
+to cover their wickedness.  It doth not forbid the private meetings of
+those that plainly and simply make it their only end to worship the Lord,
+and to exhort one another to edification.  My end in meeting with others
+is simply to do as much good as I can, by exhortation and counsel,
+according to that small measure of light which God hath given me, and not
+to disturb the peace of the nation.
+
+_Cobb_.  Every one will say the same, said he; you see the late
+insurrection {210} at _London_, under what glorious pretences they went;
+and yet, indeed, they intended no less than the ruin of the kingdom and
+commonwealth.
+
+_Bun._  That practice of theirs, I abhor, said I; yet it doth not follow
+that, because they did so, therefore all others will do so.  I look upon
+it as my duty to behave myself under the King’s government, both as
+becomes a man and a Christian, and if an occasion were offered me, I
+should willingly manifest my loyalty to my Prince, both by word and deed.
+
+_Cobb_.  Well, said he, I do not profess myself to be a man that can
+dispute; but this I say, truly, neighbour _Bunyan_, I would have you
+consider this matter seriously, and submit yourself; you may have your
+liberty to exhort your neighbour in private discourse, so be you do not
+call together an assembly of people; and, truly, you may do much good to
+the church of Christ, if you would go this way; and this you may do, and
+the law not abridge you of it.  It is your private meetings that the law
+is against.
+
+_Bun._  Sir, said I, if I may do good to one by my discourse? why may I
+not do good to two?  And if to two, why not to four, and so to eight?
+etc.
+
+_Cobb_.  Ay, saith he, and to a hundred, I warrant you.
+
+_Bun._  Yes, Sir, said I, I think I should not be forbid to do as much
+good as I can.
+
+_Cobb_.  But, saith he, you may but pretend to do good, and instead,
+notwithstanding, do harm, by seducing the people; you are, therefore,
+denied your meeting so many together, lest you should do harm.
+
+_Bun._  And yet, said I, you say the law tolerates me to discourse with
+my neighbour; surely there is no law tolerates me seduce any one;
+therefore if I may by the law discourse with one, surely it is to do him
+good; and if I by discoursing may do good to one, surely, by the same
+law, I may do good to many.
+
+_Cobb_.  The law, saith he, doth expressly forbid your private meetings;
+therefore they are not to be tolerated.
+
+_Bun._  I told him that I would not entertain so much uncharitableness of
+that Parliament in the 35th of _Elizabeth_, or of the Queen herself, as
+to think they did, by that law, intend the oppressing of any of God’s
+ordinances, or the interrupting any in way of God; but men may, in the
+wresting of it, turn it against the way of God; but take the law in
+itself, and it only fighteth against those that drive at mischief in
+their hearts and meeting, making religion only their cloak, colour, or
+pretence; for so are the words of the statute: _If any meetings_, _under
+colour or pretence of religion_, _etc._
+
+_Cobb_.  Very good; therefore the king, seeing that pretences are usually
+in and among people, so as to make religion their pretence only;
+therefore he, and the law before him, doth forbid such private meetings,
+and tolerates only public; you may meet in public.
+
+_Bun._  Sir, said I, let me answer you in a similitude: Set the case
+that, at such a wood corner, there did usually come forth thieves, to do
+mischief; must there therefore a law be made, that every one that cometh
+out there shall be killed?  May not there come out true men as well as
+thieves out from thence?  Just thus is it in this case; I do think there
+may be many that may design the destruction of the commonwealth; but it
+doth not follow therefore that all private meetings are unlawful; those
+that transgress, let them be punished.  And if at any time I myself
+should do any act in my conversation as doth not become a man and
+Christian, let me bear the punishment.  And as for your saying I may meet
+in public, if I may be suffered, I would gladly do it.  Let me have but
+meeting enough in public, and I shall care the less to have them in
+private.  I do not meet in private because I am afraid to have meetings
+in public.  I bless the Lord that my heart is at that point, that if any
+man can lay any thing to my charge, either in doctrine or in practice, in
+this particular, that can be proved error or heresy, I am willing to
+disown it, even in the very market-place; but if it be truth, then to
+stand to it to the last drop of my blood.  And, Sir, said I, you ought to
+commend me for so doing.  To err and to be a heretic are two things; I am
+no heretic, because I will not stand refractorily to defend any one thing
+that is contrary to the Word.  Prove any thing which I hold to be an
+error, and I will recant it.
+
+_Cobb_.  But, goodman _Bunyan_, said he, methinks you need not stand so
+strictly upon this one thing, as to have meetings of such public
+assemblies.  Cannot you submit, and, notwithstanding, do as much good as
+you can, in a neighbourly way, without having such meetings?
+
+_Bun._  Truly, Sir, said I, I do not desire to commend myself, but to
+think meanly of myself; yet when I do most despise myself, taking notice
+of that small measure of light which God hath given me, also that the
+people of the Lord (by their own saying), are edified thereby.  Besides,
+when I see that the Lord, through grace, hath in some measure blessed my
+labour, I dare not but exercise that gift which God hath given me for the
+good of the people.  And I said further, that I would willingly speak in
+public if I might.
+
+_Cobb_.  He said, that I might come to the public assemblies and hear.
+What though you do not preach? you may hear.  Do not think yourself so
+well enlightened, and that you have received a gift so far above others,
+but that you may hear other men preach.  Or to that purpose.
+
+_Bun._  I told him, I was as willing to be taught as to give instruction,
+and I looked upon it as my duty to do both; for, said I, a man that is a
+teacher, he himself may learn also from another that teacheth, as the
+apostle saith, _We may all prophesy one by one_, _that all may learn_.  1
+Cor. xiv. 31.  That is, every man that hath received a gift from God, he
+may dispense it, that others may be comforted; and when he hath done, he
+may hear and learn, and be comforted himself of others.
+
+_Cobb_.  But, said he, what if you should forbear awhile, and sit still,
+till you see further how things will go?
+
+_Bun._  Sir, said I, _Wickliffe_ saith, that he which leaveth off
+preaching and hearing of the Word of God for fear of excommunication of
+men, he is already excommunicated of God, and shall in the day of
+judgment be counted a traitor to Christ. {214}
+
+_Cobb_.  Ay, saith he, they that do not hear shall be so counted indeed;
+do you, therefore, hear?
+
+_Bun._  But, Sir, said I, he saith, he that shall leave off either
+preaching or hearing, etc.  That is, if he hath received a gift for
+edification, it is his sin, if he doth not lay it out in a way of
+exhortation and counsel, according to the proportion of his gift; as well
+as to spend his time altogether in hearing others preach.
+
+_Cobb_.  But, said he, how shall we know that you have received a gift?
+
+_Bun._  Said I, Let any man hear and search, and prove the doctrine by
+the Bible.
+
+_Cobb_.  But will you be willing, said he, that two indifferent persons
+shall determine the case; and will you stand by their judgment?
+
+_Bun._  I said, Are they infallible?
+
+_Cobb_.  He said, No.
+
+_Bun._  Then, said I, it is possible my judgment may be as good as
+theirs.  But yet I will pass by either, and in this matter be judged by
+the Scriptures; I am sure that is infallible, and cannot err.
+
+_Cobb_.  But, said he, who shall be judge between you, for you take the
+Scriptures one way, and they another?
+
+_Bun._  I said the Scripture should: and that by comparing one Scripture
+with another; for that will open itself, if it be rightly compared.  As
+for instance, if under the different apprehensions of the word
+_Mediator_, you would know the truth of it, the Scriptures open it, and
+tell us that he that is a mediator must take up the business between two,
+and a mediator is not a mediator of one,—_but God is one_, _and there is
+one Mediator between God and men_, _even the man Christ Jesus_.  Gal.
+iii. 20; 1 Tim. ii. 5.  So likewise the Scripture calleth Christ a
+_complete_, or perfect, or able _high priest_.  That is opened in that He
+is called man, and also God.  His blood also is discovered to be
+effectually efficacious by the same things.  So the Scripture, as
+touching the matter of meeting together, etc., doth likewise sufficiently
+open itself and discover its meaning.
+
+_Cobb_.  But are you willing, said he, to stand to the judgment of the
+church?
+
+_Bun._  Yes, Sir, said I, to the approbation of the church of God; (the
+church’s judgment is best expressed in Scripture).  We had much other
+discourse which I cannot well remember, about the laws of the nation, and
+submission to governments; to which I did tell him, that I did look upon
+myself as bound in conscience to walk according to all righteous laws,
+and that, whether there was a king or no; and if I did any thing that was
+contrary, I did hold it my duty to bear patiently the penalty of the law,
+that was provided against such offenders; with many more words to the
+like effect.  And said, moreover, that to cut off all occasions of
+suspicion from any, as touching the harmlessness of my doctrine in
+private, I would willingly take the pains to give any one the notes of
+all my sermons; for I do sincerely desire to live quietly in my country,
+and to submit to the present authority.
+
+_Cobb_.  Well, neighbour _Bunyan_, said he, but indeed I would wish you
+seriously to consider of these things, between this and the
+quarter-sessions, and to submit yourself.  You may do much good if you
+continue still in the land; but alas, what benefit will it be to your
+friends, or what good can you do to them, if you should be sent away
+beyond the seas into _Spain_, or _Constantinople_, or some other remote
+part of the world?  Pray be ruled.
+
+_Jailor_.  Indeed, Sir, I hope he will be ruled.
+
+_Bun._  I shall desire, said I, in all honesty to behave myself in the
+nation, whilst I am in it.  And if I must be so dealt withal, as you say,
+I hope God will help me to bear what they shall lay upon me.  I know no
+evil that I have done in this matter, to be so used.  I speak as in the
+presence of God.
+
+_Cobb_.  You know, saith he, that the Scripture saith, _the powers that
+be_, _are ordained of God_.
+
+_Bun._  I said, Yes, and that I was to submit to the King as supreme, and
+also to the governors, as to them who are sent by Him.
+
+_Cobb_.  Well then, said he, the King then commands you, that you should
+not have any private meetings; because it is against his law, and he is
+ordained of God, therefore you should not have any.
+
+_Bun._  I told him that _Paul_ did own the powers that were in his day,
+to be of God; and yet he was often in prison under them for all that.
+And also, though _Jesus Christ_ told _Pilate_, that He had no power
+against him, but of God, yet He died under the same _Pilate_; and yet,
+said I, I hope you will not say that either _Paul_, or Christ, were such
+as did deny magistracy, and so sinned against God in slighting the
+ordinance.  Sir, said I, the law hath provided two ways of obeying: the
+one to do that which I, in my conscience, do believe that I am bound to
+do, actively; and where I cannot obey actively, there I am willing to lie
+down, and to suffer what they shall do unto me.  At this he sat still,
+and said no more; which when he had done, I did thank him for his civil
+and meek discoursing with me; and so we parted.
+
+O! that we might meet in heaven!
+
+                                                          Farewell.  J. B.
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+_Here followeth a discourse between my Wife and the Judges_, _with
+others_, _touching my Deliverance at the Assizes following_; _the which I
+took from her own Mouth_.
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+AFTER that I had received this sentence of banishing, or hanging, from
+them, and after the former admonition, touching the determination of the
+justices if I did not recant; just when the time drew nigh, in which I
+should have abjured, or have done worse (as Mr Cobb told me), came the
+time in which the King was to be crowned. {219}  Now, at the coronation
+of kings, there is usually a releasement of divers prisoners, by virtue
+of his coronation; in which privilege also I should have had my share;
+but that they took me for a convicted person, and therefore, unless I
+sued out a pardon (as they called it), I could have no benefit thereby,
+notwithstanding, yet, forasmuch as the coronation proclamation did give
+liberty, from the day the King was crowned, to that day twelvemonth, to
+sue them out; therefore, though they would not let me out of prison, as
+they let out thousands, yet they could not meddle with me, as touching
+the execution of their sentence; because of the liberty offered for the
+suing out of pardons.  Whereupon I continued in prison till the next
+assizes, which are called _Midsummer assizes_, being then kept in
+_August_, 1661.
+
+Now, at that assizes, because I would not leave any possible means
+unattempted that might be lawful, I did, by my wife, present a petition
+to the judges three times, that I might be heard, and that they would
+impartially take my case into consideration.
+
+The first time my wife went, she presented it to Judge _Hale_, who very
+mildly received it at her hand, telling her that he would do her and me
+the best good he could; but he feared, he said, he could do none.  The
+next day, again, lest they should, through the multitude of business,
+forget me, we did throw another petition into the coach to Judge
+_Twisdon_; who, when he had seen it, snapt her up, and angrily told her
+that I was a convicted person, and could not be released, unless I would
+promise to preach no more, etc.
+
+Well, after this, she yet again presented another to judge Hale, as he
+sat on the bench, who, as it seemed, was willing to give her audience.
+Only Justice _Chester_ being present, stept up and said, that I was
+convicted in the court, and that I was a hot-spirited fellow (or words to
+that purpose), whereat he waived it, and did not meddle therewith.  But
+yet, my wife being encouraged by the high-sheriff, did venture once more
+into their presence (as the poor widow did before the unjust judge) to
+try what she could do with them for my liberty, before they went forth of
+the town.  The place where she went to them, was to the _Swan-chamber_,
+where the two judges, and many justices and gentry of the country, was in
+company together.  She then coming into the chamber with a bashed face,
+and a trembling heart, began her errand to them in this manner:—
+
+            [Picture: Bunyan’s Wife pleading with the Judges]
+
+_Woman_.  My lord (directing herself to judge Hale), I make bold to come
+once again to your Lordship, to know what may be done with my husband.
+
+_Judge Hale_.  To whom he said, Woman, I told thee before I could do thee
+no good; because they have taken that for a conviction which thy husband
+spoke at the sessions: and unless there be something done to undo that, I
+can do thee no good.
+
+_Woman_.  My lord, said she, he is kept unlawfully in prison; they
+clapped him up before there was any proclamation against the meetings;
+the indictment also is false.  Besides, they never asked him whether he
+was guilty or no; neither did he confess the indictment.
+
+_One of the Justices_.  Then one of the justices that stood by, whom she
+knew not, said, My Lord, he was lawfully convicted.
+
+_Wom._  It is false, said she; for when they said to him, Do you confess
+the indictment? he said only this, that he had been at several meetings,
+both where there were preaching the Word, and prayer, and that they had
+God’s presence among them.
+
+_Judge Twisdon_.  Whereat Judge _Twisdon_ answered very angrily, saying,
+What, you think we can do what we list; your husband is a breaker of the
+peace, and is convicted by the law, etc.  Whereupon Judge _Hale_ called
+for the Statute Book.
+
+_Wom._  But, said she, my lord, he was not lawfully convicted.
+
+_Chester_.  Then Justice _Chester_ said, My lord, he was lawfully
+convicted.
+
+_Wom._  It is false, said she; it was but a word of discourse that they
+took for a conviction (as you heard before).
+
+_Chest._  But it is recorded, woman; it is recorded, said Justice
+_Chester_; as if it must be of necessity true, because it was recorded.
+With which words he often endeavoured to stop her mouth, having no other
+argument to convince her, but it is recorded, it is recorded.
+
+_Wom._  My Lord, said she, I was a while since at _London_, to see if I
+could get my husband’s liberty; and there I spoke with my lord
+_Barkwood_, one of the House of Lords, to whom I delivered a petition,
+who took it of me and presented it to some of the rest of the House of
+Lords, for my husband’s releasement; who, when they had seen it, they
+said, that they could not release him, but had committed his releasement
+to the judges, at the next assizes.  This he told me; and now I am come
+to you to see if any thing may be done in this business, and you give
+neither releasement nor relief.  To which they gave her no answer, but
+made as if they heard her not.
+
+_Chest._  Only Justice _Chester_ was often up with this,—He is convicted,
+and it is recorded.
+
+_Wom._  If it be, it is false, said she.
+
+_Chest._  My lord, said Justice _Chester_, he is a pestilent fellow,
+there is not such a fellow in the country again.
+
+_Twis._  What, will your husband leave preaching?  If he will do so, then
+send for him.
+
+_Wom._  My lord, said she, he dares not leave preaching as long as he can
+speak.
+
+_Twis._  See here, what should we talk any more about such a fellow?
+Must he do what he lists?  He is a breaker of the peace.
+
+_Wom._  She told him again, that he desired to live peaceably, and to
+follow his calling, that his family might be maintained; and moreover,
+said, My Lord, I have four small children, that cannot help themselves,
+one of which is blind, and have nothing to live upon, but the charity of
+good people.
+
+_Hale_.  Hast thou four children? said Judge Hale; thou art but a young
+woman to have four children.
+
+_Wom._  My lord, said she, I am but mother-in-law to them, having not
+been married to him yet full two years.  Indeed, I was with child when my
+husband was first apprehended; but being young, and unaccustomed to such
+things, said she, I being smayed {224} at the news, fell into labour, and
+so continued for eight days, and then was delivered, but my child died.
+
+_Hale_.  Whereat, he looking very soberly on the matter, said, Alas, poor
+woman!
+
+_Twis._  But Judge _Twisdon_ told her, that she made poverty her cloak;
+and said, moreover, that he understood I was maintained better by running
+up and down a preaching, than by following my calling.
+
+_Hale_.  What is his calling? said Judge Hale.
+
+_Answer_.  Then some of the company that stood by, said, A tinker, my
+lord.
+
+_Wom._  Yes, said she; and because he is a tinker, and a poor man,
+therefore he is despised, and cannot have justice.
+
+_Hale_.  Then Judge _Hale_ answered very mildly, saying, I tell thee,
+woman, seeing it is so, that they have taken what thy husband spake for a
+conviction; thou must either apply thyself to the King, or sue out his
+pardon, or get a writ of error.
+
+_Chest._  But when Justice _Chester_ heard him give her this counsel; and
+especially (as she supposed) because he spoke of a writ of error, he
+chafed, and seemed to be very much offended; saying, My lord, he will
+preach and do what he lists.
+
+_Wom._  He preacheth nothing but the Word of God, said she.
+
+_Twis._  He preach the Word of God! said Twisdon; and withal, she thought
+he would have struck her; he runneth up and down, and doth harm.
+
+_Wom._  No, my lord, said she, it is not so; God hath owned him, and done
+much good by him.
+
+_Twis._  God! said he, his doctrine is the doctrine of the devil.
+
+_Wom._  My lord, said she, when the righteous Judge shall appear, it will
+be known that his doctrine is not the doctrine of the devil.
+
+_Twis._  My lord, said he, to Judge Hale, do not mind her, but send her
+away.
+
+_Hale_.  Then said Judge Hale, I am sorry, woman, that I can do thee no
+good; thou must do one of those three things aforesaid, namely, either to
+apply thyself to the King, or sue out his pardon, or get a writ of error;
+but a writ of error will be cheapest.
+
+_Wom._  At which Chester again seemed to be in a chafe, and put off his
+hat, and as she thought, scratched his head for anger: but when I saw,
+said she, that there was no prevailing to have my husband sent for,
+though I often desired them that they would send for him, that he might
+speak for himself; telling them, that he could give them better
+satisfaction than I could, in what they demanded of him, with several
+other things, which now I forget; only this I remember, that though I was
+somewhat timorous at my first entrance into the chamber, yet before I
+went out, I could not but break forth into tears, not so much because
+they were so hard-hearted against me, and my husband, but to think what a
+sad account such poor creatures will have to give at the coming of the
+Lord, when they shall there answer for all things whatsoever they have
+done in the body, whether it be good, or whether it be bad.
+
+So, when I departed from them, the book of statutes was brought, but what
+they said of it I know nothing at all, neither did I hear any more from
+them.
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+_Some Carriages of the Adversaries of God’s Truth with me at the next
+Assizes_, _which was on the_ 19_th_ _of the first month_, 1662.
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+I SHALL pass by what befell between these two assizes, how I had, by my
+jailor, some liberty granted me, more than at the first, and how I
+followed my wonted course of preaching, taking all occasions that were
+put into my hand to visit the people of God; exhorting them to be
+steadfast in the faith of Jesus Christ, and to take heed that they
+touched not the Common Prayer, etc., but to mind the Word of God, which
+giveth direction to Christians in every point, being able to make the man
+of God perfect in all things through faith in Jesus Christ, and
+thoroughly to furnish him unto all good works.  2 Tim. iii. 17.  Also how
+I having, I say, somewhat more liberty, did go to see the Christians at
+_London_; which my enemies hearing of, were so angry, that they had
+almost cast my jailor out of his place, threatening to indict him, and to
+do what they could against him.  They charged me also, that I went
+thither to plot and raise division, and make insurrection, which, God
+knows, was a slander; whereupon my liberty was more straitened than it
+was before; so that I must not now look out of the door.  Well, when the
+next sessions came, which was about the 10th of the 11th month (1661), I
+did expect to have been very roundly dealt withal; but they passed me by,
+and would not call me, so that I rested till the assizes, which was held
+the 19th of the first month (1662) following; and when they came, because
+I had a desire to come before the judge, I desired my jailor to put my
+name into the calendar among the felons, and made friends of the judge
+and high-sheriff, who promised that I should be called: so that I thought
+what I had done might have been effectual for the obtaining of my desire:
+but all was in vain; for when the assizes came, though my name was in the
+calendar, and also though both the judge and sheriff had promised that I
+should appear before them, yet the justices and the clerk of the peace,
+did so work it about, that I, notwithstanding, was deferred, and was not
+suffered to appear: and although I say, I do not know of all their
+carriages towards me, yet this I know, that the clerk of the peace (Mr
+Cobb) did discover himself to be one of my greatest opposers: for, first
+he came to my jailor and told him that I must not go down before the
+judge, and therefore must not be put into the calendar; to whom my jailor
+said, that my name was in already.  He bid him put it out again; my
+jailor told him that he could not: for he had given the judge a calendar
+with my name in it, and also the sheriff another.  At which he was very
+much displeased, and desired to see that calendar that was yet in my
+jailor’s hand, who, when he had given it him, he looked on it, and said
+it was a false calendar; he also took the calendar and blotted out my
+accusation, as my jailor had written it (which accusation I cannot tell
+what it was, because it was so blotted out), and he himself put in words
+to this purpose: That John Bunyan was committed to prison; being lawfully
+convicted for upholding of unlawful meetings and conventicles, etc.  But
+yet for all this, fearing that what he had done, unless he added thereto,
+it would not do, he first ran to the clerk of the assizes; then to the
+justices, and afterwards, because he would not leave any means
+unattempted to hinder me, he came again to my jailor, and told him, that
+if I did go down before the judge, and was released, he would make him
+pay my fees, which he said was due to him; and further, told him, that he
+would complain of him at the next quarter sessions for making of false
+calendars, though my jailor himself, as I afterwards learned, had put in
+my accusation worse than in itself it was by far.  And thus was I
+hindered and prevented at that time also from appearing before the judge:
+and left in prison.
+
+Farewell.
+
+                                                              JOHN BUNYAN.
+
+
+
+
+_A Continuation of_ Mr BUNYAN’S LIFE; _beginning where he left off_, _and
+concluding with the Time and Manner of his Death and Burial_: _together
+with his true Character_, _etc._
+
+
+READER, the painful and industrious author of this book, has already
+given you a faithful and very moving relation of the beginning and middle
+of the days of his pilgrimage on earth; and since there yet remains
+somewhat worthy of notice and regard, which occurred in the last scene of
+his life, the which, for want of time, or fear, some over-censorious
+people should impute it to him as an earnest coveting of praise from men,
+he has not left behind him in writing.  Wherefore, as a true friend, and
+long acquaintance of Mr _Bunyan’s_ that his good end may be known, as
+well as his evil beginning, I have taken upon me, from my knowledge, and
+the best account given by other of his friends, to piece this to the
+thread too soon broke off, and so lengthen it out to his entering upon
+eternity.
+
+He has told you at large, of his birth and education; the evil habits and
+corruptions of his youth; the temptations he struggled and conflicted so
+frequently with, the mercies, comforts, and deliverances he found, how he
+came to take upon him the preaching of the Gospel; the slanders,
+reproaches and imprisonments that attended him, and the progress he
+notwithstanding made (by the assistance of God’s grace) no doubt to the
+saving of many souls: therefore take these things, as he himself hath
+methodically laid them down in the words of verity; and so I pass on to
+what remains.
+
+After his being freed from his twelve years’ imprisonment and upwards,
+for nonconformity, wherein he had time to furnish the world with sundry
+good books, etc., and by his patience, to move _Dr Barlow_, the then
+Bishop of _Lincoln_, and other church-men, to pity his hard and
+unreasonable sufferings, so far as to stand very much his friends, in
+procuring his enlargement, or there perhaps he had died, by the
+noisomeness and ill usage of the place.  Being now, I say, again at
+liberty, and having through mercy shaken off his bodily fetters,—for
+those upon his soul were broken before by the abounding grace that filled
+his heart,—he went to visit those that had been a comfort to him in his
+tribulation, with a Christian-like acknowledgment of their kindness and
+enlargement of charity; giving encouragement by his example, if it
+happened to be their hard haps to fall into affliction or trouble, then
+to suffer patiently for the sake of a good conscience, and for the love
+of God in Jesus Christ towards their souls, and by many cordial
+persuasions, supported some whose spirits began to sink low, through the
+fear of danger that threatened their worldly concernment, so that the
+people found a wonderful consolation in his discourse and admonitions.
+
+As often as opportunity would admit, he gathered them together (though
+the law was then in force against meetings) in convenient places, and fed
+them with the sincere milk of the Word, that they might grow up in grace
+thereby.  To such as were anywhere taken and imprisoned upon these
+accounts, he made it another part of his business to extend his charity,
+and gather relief for such of them as wanted.
+
+He took great care to visit the sick, and strengthen them against the
+suggestions of the tempter, which at such times are very prevalent; so
+that they had cause for ever to bless God, Who had put it into his heart,
+at such a time, to rescue them from the power of the roaring lion, who
+sought to devour them; nor did he spare any pains or labour in travel,
+though to remote counties, where he knew or imagined any people might
+stand in need of his assistance; insomuch that some, by these visitations
+that he made, which was two or three every year (some, though in a
+jeering manner no doubt, gave him the epithet of Bishop _Bunyan_) whilst
+others envied him for his so earnestly labouring in Christ’s vineyard;
+yet the seed of the Word he (all this while) sowed in the hearts of his
+congregation, watered with the grace of God, brought forth in abundance,
+in bringing in disciples to the church of Christ.
+
+Another part of his time is spent in reconciling differences, by which he
+hindered many mischiefs, and saved some families from ruin, and in such
+fallings-out he was uneasy, till he found a means to labour a
+reconciliation, and become a peace-maker, on whom a blessing is promised
+in holy writ; and indeed in doing this good office, he may be said to sum
+up his days, it being the last undertaking of his life, as will appear in
+the close of this paper.
+
+When in the late reign, liberty of conscience was unexpectedly given and
+indulged to dissenters of all persuasions, his piercing wit penetrated
+the veil, and found that it was not for the dissenters’ sakes they were
+so suddenly freed from the hard prosecutions that had long lain heavy
+upon them, and set in a manner, on an equal foot with the Church of
+_England_, which the papists were undermining, and about to subvert: he
+foresaw all the advantages that could have redounded to the dissenters
+would have been no more than what _Polyphemus_, the monstrous giant of
+_Sicily_, would have allowed _Ulysses_, _viz._: That he would eat his men
+first, and do him the favour of being eaten last: for although Mr
+_Bunyan_, following the examples of others, did lay hold of this liberty,
+as an acceptable thing in itself, knowing God is the only Lord of
+conscience, and that it is good at all times to do according to the
+dictates of a good conscience, and that the preaching the glad tidings of
+the Gospel is beautiful in the preacher; yet in all this he moved with
+caution and a holy fear, earnestly praying for the averting impending
+judgments, which he saw, like a black tempest, hanging over our heads for
+our sins, and ready to break in upon us, and that the _Ninevites’_ remedy
+was now highly necessary: hereupon he gathered his congregation at
+_Bedford_, where he mostly lived, and had lived and spent the greatest
+part of his life; and there being no convenient place to be had for the
+entertainment of so great a confluence of people as followed him upon the
+account of his teaching, he consulted with them for the building of a
+meeting-house, to which they made their voluntary contributions with all
+cheerfulness and alacrity; and the first time he appeared there to edify,
+the place was so thronged, that many was constrained to stay without,
+though the house was very spacious, every one striving to partake of his
+instructions, that were of his persuasion, and show their good-will
+towards him, by being present at the opening of the place; and here he
+lived in much peace and quiet of mind, contenting himself with that
+little God had bestowed upon him, and sequestering himself from all
+secular employments, to follow that of his call to the ministry; for as
+God said to _Moses_, He that made the lips and heart, can give eloquence
+and wisdom, without extraordinary acquirements in an university.
+
+During these things, there were regulators sent into all cities and towns
+corporate, to new model the government in the magistracy, etc., by
+turning out some, and putting in others: against this Mr _Bunyan_
+expressed his zeal with some weariness, as foreseeing the bad consequence
+that would attend it, and laboured with his congregation to prevent their
+being imposed on in this kind; and when a great man in those days, coming
+to _Bedford_ upon some such errand, sent for him, as ’tis supposed, to
+give him a place of public trust, he would by no means come at him, but
+sent his excuse.
+
+When he was at leisure from writing and teaching, he often came up to
+_London_, and there went among the congregations of the non-conformists,
+and used his talent to the great good-liking of the hearers; and even
+some to whom he had been mis-represented, upon the account of his
+education, were convinced of his worth and knowledge in sacred things, as
+perceiving him to be a man of round judgment, delivering himself plainly
+and powerfully; insomuch that many, who came mere spectators for novelty
+sake rather than to edify and be improved, went away well satisfied with
+what they heard, and wondered, as the Jews did at the Apostles, _viz._:
+Whence this man should have these things; perhaps not considering that
+God more immediately assists those that make it their business
+industriously and cheerfully to labour in His vineyard.
+
+Thus he spent his latter years in imitation of his great Lord and Master,
+the ever-blessed Jesus; he went about doing good, so that the most prying
+critic, or even Malice herself, is defied to find, even upon the
+narrowest search or observation, any sully or stain upon his reputation,
+with which he may be justly charged; and this we note, as a challenge to
+those that have the least regard for him, or them of his persuasion, and
+have one way or other appeared in the front of those that oppressed him;
+and for the turning whose hearts, in obedience to the commission and
+commandment given him of God, he frequently prayed, and sometimes sought
+a blessing for them, even with tears, the effects of which, they may,
+peradventure, though undeservedly, have found in their persons, friends,
+relations, or estates; for God will hear the prayer of the faithful, and
+answer them, even for them that vex them, as it happened in the case of
+_Job’s_ praying for the three persons that had been grievous in their
+reproach against him, even in the day of his sorrow.
+
+But yet let me come a little nearer to particulars and periods of time,
+for the better refreshing the memories of those that knew his labour and
+suffering, and for the satisfaction of all that shall read this book.
+
+After he was sensibly convicted of the wicked state of his life, and
+converted, he was baptized into the congregation, and admitted a member
+thereof, _viz._, in the year 1655, and became speedily a very zealous
+professor; but upon the return of King _Charles_ to the crown in 1660, he
+was the 12th of _November_ taken, as he was edifying some good people
+that were got together to hear the word, and confined in _Bedford_ jail
+for the space of six years, till the act of Indulgence to dissenters
+being allowed, he obtained his freedom, by the intercession of some in
+trust and power, that took pity on his sufferings; but within six years
+afterwards he was again taken up, _viz._, in the year 1666, and was then
+confined for six years more, when even the jailor took such pity of his
+rigorous sufferings, that he did as the Egyptian jailor did to _Joseph_,
+put all the care and trust in his hand: When he was taken this last time,
+he was preaching on these words, viz.: _Dost thou believe the Son of
+God_?  And this imprisonment continued six years, and when this was over,
+another short affliction, which was an imprisonment of half a year, fell
+to his share.  During these confinements he wrote the following books,
+viz.: _Of Prayer by the Spirit_: _The Holy City’s Resurrection_: _Grace
+Abounding_: _Pilgrim’s Progress_, the first part.
+
+In the last year of his twelve years’ imprisonment, the pastor of the
+congregation at _Bedford_ died, and he was chosen to that care of souls,
+on the 12th of _December_ 1671.  And in this his charge, he often had
+disputes with scholars that came to oppose him, as supposing him an
+ignorant person, and though he argued plainly, and by Scripture, without
+phrases and logical expressions, yet he nonplussed one who came to oppose
+him in his congregation, by demanding, Whether or no we had the true
+copies of the original Scriptures; and another, when he was preaching,
+accused him of uncharitableness, for saying, _It was very hard for most
+to be saved_; saying, by that he went about to exclude most of his
+congregation; but he confuted him, and put him to silence with the
+parable of the stony ground, and other texts out of the 13th chapter of
+_St Matthew_, in our Saviour’s sermon out of a ship; all his methods
+being to keep close to the Scriptures, and what he found not warranted
+there, himself would not warrant nor determine, unless in such cases as
+were plain, wherein no doubts or scruples did arise.
+
+But not to make any further mention of this kind, it is well known that
+this person managed all his affairs with such exactness, as if he had
+made it his study, above all other things, not to give occasion of
+offence, but rather suffer many inconveniences, to avoid being never
+heard to reproach or revile any, what injury soever he received, but
+rather to rebuke those that did; and as it was in his conversation, so it
+is manifested in those books he has caused to be published to the world;
+where like the archangel disputing with Satan about the body of _Moses_,
+as we find it in the epistle of _St Jude_, brings no railing accusation
+(but leaves the rebukers, those that persecuted him) to the Lord.
+
+In his family he kept up a very strict discipline in prayer and
+exhortation; being in this like _Joshua_, as the good man expresses it,
+viz., _Whatsoever others did_, _as for me and my house_, _we will serve
+the Lord_: and indeed a blessing waited on his labours and endeavours, so
+that his wife, as the Psalmist says, _was like a pleasant vine upon the
+walls of his house_, _and his children like olive branches round his
+table_; _for so shall it be with the man that fears the Lord_, and though
+by reason of the many losses he sustained by imprisonment and spoil, of
+his chargeable sickness, etc., his earthly treasure swelled not to
+excess; he always had sufficient to live decently and creditably, and
+with that he had the greatest of all treasures, which is content; for as
+the wise man says, _That is a continual feast_.
+
+But where content dwells, even a poor cottage is a kingly palace, and
+this happiness he had all his life long; not so much minding this world,
+as knowing he was here as a pilgrim and stranger, and had no tarrying
+city, but looked for one made with hands eternal in the highest heavens:
+but at length was worn out with sufferings, age, and often teaching, the
+day of his dissolution drew near, and death, that unlocks the prison of
+the soul, to enlarge it for a more glorious mansion, put a stop to his
+acting his part on the stage of mortality; heaven, like earthly princes,
+when it threatens war, being always so kind as to call home its
+ambassadors before it be denounced, and even the last act or undertaking
+of his, was a labour of love and charity; for it so falling out that a
+young gentleman, a neighbour of Mr _Bunyan’s_, happening into the
+displeasure of his father, and being much troubled in mind upon that
+account, and also for that he heard his father purposed to disinherit
+him, or otherwise deprive him of what he had to leave; he pitched upon Mr
+_Bunyan_ as a fit man to make way for his submission, and prepare his
+father’s mind to receive him; and he, as willing to do any good office,
+as it could be requested, as readily undertook it; and so riding to
+_Reading_ in _Berkshire_, he then there used such pressing arguments and
+reasons against anger and passion, as also for love and reconciliation,
+that the father was mollified, and his bowels yearned to his returning
+son.
+
+But Mr _Bunyan_, after he had disposed all things to the best for
+accommodation, returning to _London_, and being overtaken with excessive
+rains, coming to his lodgings extremely wet, fell sick of a violent
+fever, which he bore with much constancy and patience, and expressed
+himself as if he desired nothing more than to be dissolved, and be with
+Christ, in that case esteeming death as gain, and life only a tedious
+delaying felicity expected; and finding his vital strength decay, having
+settled his mind and affairs, as well as the shortness of time, and the
+violence of his disease would permit, with a constant and christian
+patience, he resigned his soul into the hands of his most merciful
+Redeemer, following his pilgrim from the City of Destruction, to the New
+_Jerusalem_; his better part having been all along there, in holy
+contemplation, pantings and breathings after the hidden manna and water
+of life, as by many holy and humble consolations expressed in his letters
+to several persons in prison, and out of prison, too many to be inserted
+at present.  He died at the house of one Mr _Struddock_, a grocer, at the
+Star on _Snow Hill_, in the parish of _St Sepulchre’s_, _London_, on the
+12th of _August_ 1688, and in the sixtieth year of his age, {241} after
+ten days’ sickness; and was buried in the new burying place near the
+Artillery Ground; where he sleeps to the morning of the resurrection, in
+hopes of a glorious rising to an incorruptible immortality of joy and
+happiness; where no more trouble and sorrow shall afflict him, but all
+tears be wiped away; when the just shall be incorporated as members of
+Christ their head, and reign with Him as kings and priests for ever.
+
+
+
+
+_A brief Character of Mr_ JOHN BUNYAN
+
+
+HE appeared in countenance to be of a stern and rough temper, but in his
+conversation mild and affable; not given to loquacity or much discourse
+in company, unless some urgent occasion required it; observing never to
+boast of himself or his parts, but rather seem low in his own eyes, and
+submit himself to the judgment of others, abhorring lying and swearing,
+being just in all that lay in his power to his word, not seeming to
+revenge injuries, loving to reconcile differences, and make friendship
+with all; he had a sharp quick eye, accompanied with an excellent
+discerning of persons, being of good judgment and quick wit.  As for his
+person, he was tall of stature, strong boned, though not corpulent,
+somewhat of a ruddy face, with sparkling eyes, wearing his hair on his
+upper lip, after the old British fashion; his hair reddish, but in his
+latter days, time had sprinkled it with grey; his nose well set, but not
+declining or bending, and his mouth moderate large; his forehead somewhat
+high, and his habit always plain and modest.  And thus have we
+impartially described the internal and external parts of a person, whose
+death hath been much regretted; a person who had tried the smiles and
+frowns of time; not puffed up in prosperity, nor shaken in adversity;
+always holding the golden mean.
+
+    In him at once did three great worthies shine,
+    Historian, poet, and a choice divine:
+    Then let him rest in undisturbed dust,
+    Until the resurrection of the just.
+
+
+
+
+POSTSCRIPT
+
+
+IN this his pilgrimage, God blessed him with four children, one of which,
+named _Mary_, was blind, and died some years before; his other children
+were _Thomas_, _Joseph_, and _Sarah_; his wife _Elizabeth_ having lived
+to see him overcome his labour and sorrow, and pass from this life to
+receive the reward of his work, long survived him not; but in 1692 she
+died, to follow her faithful pilgrim from this world to the other,
+whither he was gone before her; whilst his works, which consist of sixty
+books, remain for the edifying of the reader, and praise of the author.
+
+                                                                   _Vale_.
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+                                  FINIS
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+FOOTNOTES
+
+
+{7}  The marginal summaries have not been included in this Project
+Gutenberg eText.—DP.
+
+{184}  The text from which he intended to preach was, _Doth thou believe
+on the Son of God_?  Jn. ix. 35.  See Preface to his _Confession of
+Faith_.
+
+{187a}  Justice Wingate.
+
+{187b}  _Ibid._
+
+{191a}  A right Judas.
+
+{191b}  Bunyan.
+
+{210}  The Venner insurrection is here referred to.
+
+{214}  Bunyan here refers to a translation of Wickliffe’s doctrine in
+John Foxe’s _Martyrology_, a favourite book of his.
+
+{219}  April 23, 1661.
+
+{224}  ‘Smayed,’ an obsolete contraction of ‘dismayed,’
+
+{241}  It is an established fact that John Bunyan died on Friday, August
+31, 1688.  He is recorded to have preached his last sermon on August 19.
+
+
+
+
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