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If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - - -Title: The Power of Sexual Surrender - - -Author: Marie Nyswander Robinson - - - -Release Date: April 22, 2021 [eBook #65130] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - - -***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE POWER OF SEXUAL SURRENDER*** - - -E-text prepared by Tim Lindell, Les Galloway, and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) from page images digitized by the -Google Books Library Project (http://books.google.com) and generously made -available by HathiTrust Digital Library (https://www.hathitrust.org/) - - - -Note: Images of the original pages are available through - HathiTrust Digital Library. See - https://hdl.handle.net/2027/uc1.32106000106622 - - -Transcriber’s note: - - Text enclosed by underscores is in italics (_italics_). - - - - - -THE POWER OF SEXUAL SURRENDER - - - * * * * * * - -By the same author: - -THE DRUG ADDICT AS A PATIENT - - * * * * * * - - -THE POWER OF SEXUAL SURRENDER - -by - -MARIE N. ROBINSON, M.D. - - - - - - -Doubleday & Company, Inc. -Garden City, New York - -Library of Congress Catalog Card Number 59-10687 -Copyright © 1959 by Marie N. Robinson -All Rights Reserved -Printed in the United States of America - - - - - PREFACE - - -I believe that the problem of sexual frigidity in women is one of the -gravest problems of our times. Over 40 per cent of married women suffer -from it in one or another of its degrees or forms. And their suffering, -emotionally and physically, is very real indeed. - -Those who are most closely related to the frigid woman--husband and -children--suffer too. This is so because frigidity is an expression -of neurosis, a disturbance of the unconscious life of the individual -destructive to personal relationships. No matter how much she may -consciously wish to, the frigid woman cannot protect her loved ones -from the effects of her problem. Thus frigidity constitutes a major -danger to the stability of marriage and to the health and happiness of -every member of the individual family. - -Despite its extent and seriousness, women who suffer from frigidity -generally know very little about their problem. They do not know -its nature or its causes nor how or where to find help for it. No -adequate book for the lay reader, nor any popular magazine article -that indicates a real way out, has yet been written on this enormously -important subject. The problem has been surrounded by silence, and -this has engendered ignorance, misinformation, and has fostered -feelings of helplessness and hopelessness in the suffering individual. - -I have written this book to break this unhealthy silence, to bring to -the individual woman what science knows about frigidity, to show her -that, no matter how much she may have despaired, her problem can almost -certainly be resolved. - - MARIE ROBINSON, M.D. - _November 1, 1958_ - _New York, N.Y._ - - - - - CONTENTS - - - Preface 7 - - 1 PARADISE LOST 13 - - - SECTION I - _The Normal Woman_ - - 2 THE NORMAL ORGASM 29 - - 3 THE NOT IMPOSSIBLE SHE 41 - - - SECTION II - _The Psychology of Frigidity_ - - 4 WHAT IS FRIGIDITY? 59 - - 5 THE WAR BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN 70 - - 6 WHY WOMEN CAN BECOME FRIGID 83 - - 7 ANATOMY AND DESTINY 96 - - 8 THE GROWTH OF LOVE 106 - - 9 DANGERS ON THE ROAD TO WOMANHOOD 120 - - - SECTION III - _The Fear of Love--Case Histories_ - - 10 TOTAL AND PARTIAL FRIGIDITY 131 - - 11 THE MASCULINE WOMAN 147 - - 12 PSYCHIC FRIGIDITY 159 - - - SECTION IV - _The Bridge to Womanhood_ - - 13 THE POWER OF LOVE 177 - - 14 STEPS TO FREEDOM 182 - - 15 THE MALE SEX: A NEW HORIZON 197 - - 16 THE NATURE OF SURRENDER 209 - - 17 SEXUAL SURRENDER 216 - - 18 THE ROLE OF THE MALE 233 - - 19 THE LORE OF LOVE 246 - - ADDENDA I 259 - - ADDENDA II 262 - - - - - THE POWER OF SEXUAL SURRENDER - - - - - _Chapter 1_ - - PARADISE LOST - - -Happiness between men and women has never had such a radiant outlook -as it has in this decade. Perhaps for the first time in the history of -man the two sexes find themselves in a position to explore together the -infinitely varied and rich potentialities of real love. - -I am not being a blind optimist in making such a statement. In -my profession as a psychiatrist I see enough of daily misery and -destructive misunderstanding between men and women to keep a healthy -skepticism very much alive in my mind about all human relationships, -particularly those that depend for their continued existence, at least -in part, on sexual love. - -I can make such a statement about the potentialities of modern love -for one reason--that women today have, beyond the shadow of any doubt, -achieved complete equality with men. Above all, this equality can be -observed as fully operative in the realm of love, sexual love. In the -past thirty-odd years, and particularly in the last ten, the taboos, -ignorance, and misunderstanding which had obscured our visions for -centuries and prevented any real knowledge of feminine sexuality have -been washed away. - -We have been through a sexual revolution of major proportions. In -the course of that revolution we have learned, through science, not -hearsay, the real facts. We know now that woman has the same need for -passion, the same capacity for sexual response that man has. We know -that, down to the last detail, she is the equal and fitting companion -for all his possible raptures, can know with her entire body and mind -and can share in vivid companionship the delighted storms of sexual -love that in the recent past were considered to be exclusively his -province. - -Few, however, realize how recent and how revolutionary this view of -womankind actually is. The image of Victorian woman, that sexually -frozen, emotionally withdrawn vestal virgin, has faded quickly from -our minds. It is important, for many reasons, to recall her, however, -if only briefly. She dominated our whole view of womankind up to the -beginning of the 1920’s. By taking a quick look at her we can see how -far we have come in so short a time. And we can see why the prospect -for love has, in our time, brightened so considerably. - -The prevailing attitude toward woman and her sexuality throughout the -nineteenth century and up to the end of World War I was that sex, -as we understand it today, did not exist for her. This belief was -held by virtually everybody, and it is nowhere more clearly stated -than by the medical authorities of that era. Thus Acton, a leading -medical specialist in the functions of reproduction, whose views -were widely influential, wrote: “The majority of women (happily for -society) are not very much troubled with sexual feeling of any kind.” -He also stated that people who believed differently were making “a -vile aspersion” against women. Two other doctors of the time agreed -completely (and presumably after checking their facts). Fehling held -that any appearance of sexual feeling in a young girl in love was -“pathological.” And Windschied stated that if a female showed any -innate or spontaneous sexual attributes “there is abnormality.” - -These men were not crackpots. They were reputable and distinguished. -This was the “scientific” view of the matter, and it was shared -by most people, men and women alike. It throws into clear relief -the potentialities of the present. Woman’s new and revolutionary -self-awareness, her knowledge gained in the past thirty-odd years that -without guilt or inhibition she may function in an atmosphere of total -equality with men and eager acceptance by them, makes the past seem -like a nightmare. It is as though man and woman had emerged from a -long, long journey through a dreary jungle full of fear and shame to -the verge of a paradisal valley where they actually may live, as in the -fairy tales, happily ever after. - -But now we come to the tragic flaw in this picture. For, though the -possibilities lie before them, millions of women find they must stay on -the verge of, never enter, the paradisal valley. They find themselves, -in an age where true womanhood is highly valued, sexually frigid. - -What does sexual frigidity mean? I shall explain the matter in greater -detail later, of course, but I can give a preliminary, working -definition now. Sexual frigidity is the inability to enjoy physical -love to the limits of its potentiality. The frigid woman is, to a -greater or lesser degree, blocked in her sensual capacities. Generally -she cannot experience orgasm. If she has one at all it is weak and -unsatisfying. Many frigid women, however, not only do not have any -orgasm but may also lack the capacity to feel even the beginnings of -sexual excitement. To some the sexual act is painful. - -The frigid woman has learned to fear physical love, to run from it, and -this fear has profound repercussions on her relationships with men. The -reasons for her fear are hidden from her, are locked in her unconscious -mind. Consciously she may wish, above all things, to achieve real -closeness with her husband, to give and receive the greatest of all -mutual joys between man and woman, sexual gratification. But she -has not the capacity to receive this joy. It is beyond her will and -control. It is as if she had a million dollars and could not spend a -cent of it; as if she were surrounded by the finest foods and must -starve. The very fact of the new equality she has won makes her problem -even more humiliating, bitterer, more frustrating. - -In my fifteen years as a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst I have treated -many, many women who have come to me in despair because of their -partial or total inability to enjoy the sexual part of their marriage -and because of the repercussions from this inability. I and hundreds -of other psychiatrists have been fortunate in helping many of them to -overcome their difficulties. We have found that before a woman can be -expected to take full responsibility for reaching true sexual maturity -she must really know all about herself, her sex and her problem. Then -and only then has she the material in hand to start growing up, in all -pleasure, to her full feminine stature. - -If a woman is willing to work in all seriousness with a psychiatrist -there is little question that she can be helped to overcome her sexual -difficulty. The information she receives, the insights she obtains into -the conditions which have kept her from experiencing real love can -sweep away her ignorance, her misunderstandings, her irrational fears. - -Her experience with the psychiatrist may help her husband, too, for -with his wife’s consent the therapist will often see him for periodic -discussions. These talks help him to understand her problem, to see -deeply into the nature of his wife and therefore of all womankind. -This knowledge allows the husband to be of direct help in effecting -his wife’s release from the immobilizing grip of her frigidity. It -helps him to be patient where he might have been irritable, tender when -he might have been importunate; it keeps him from the major error of -believing that he is to blame for her underlying condition and thus -complicating the relationship by becoming defensive, as one unjustly -accused would become--indeed, _should_. - -The question then arises as to whether the kind of information a woman -and her husband may receive during her therapy can also be helpful in -book form. - -I have given much thought to this question and have had many -consultations with my psychiatric colleagues about it. We have come to -the positive conclusion that a book on this subject can be of direct -benefit to all women suffering from sexual frigidity. - -I will go even further and say that the facts about frigidity that I -present here--its origins, its causes, and its cures--_must_ be known -by every woman with a sexual problem if she wishes to be cured. - -Frigidity is always rooted in incomplete knowledge gained in childhood -and adolescence. We are not, as I have pointed out, far from the -Victorian age. Any woman of thirty or more had, in all probability, -parents who were reared in the traditions of Victorianism, which denied -the sexuality of woman, connived with every available force to deny it, -repress it, stop it at its source. These efforts were extraordinarily -successful. And, too, any woman now in her twenties probably had -parents who were deeply affected by the equally mindless and vicious -protest against Victorianism which characterized this country from, -roughly, 1920 to 1930--the period we now call the Roaring Twenties or -the Jazz Age. - -This era, too, was full of destructive misinformation about sex and -love. A program of sexual promiscuity for women was openly advocated -and found far too many adherents in the younger generation after World -War I. The moral climate created in the Jazz Age was alien to the very -nature of truly feminine love. It led to serious sexual conflicts in -millions of individuals, and these conflicts were duly visited on their -offspring. - -This book then, I firmly believe, can help the individual to undo the -early harm caused by improper upbringing. I have tried to design it -in such a manner that a woman who reads it completely may achieve a -deep understanding of frigidity, an understanding that can lead to a -profound inner change, a complete reversal of those attitudes that are -always at the root of frigidity. - -I have designed it, too, to be read by the husband of the woman who -suffers from frigidity. It goes without saying that the success of his -marriage is dependent on the resolution of her problem. He can help -greatly to ensure this resolution by fully informing himself of the -nature of the problem and by discovering the most helpful role he can -play during her recovery. - -But the problem of frigidity does not concern only the married. Thus I -have also aimed this book at those young people who are about to enter -their first love experience. We have found that this first experience -can be of vast importance for the further emotional growth of the -individual and of the relationship upon which she has embarked. Young -women who find they have problems in the sexual sphere may be spared -years of misery if they are given a real understanding of the matter in -the beginning. Many of my patients, had they been given an insight into -the nature of their difficulties at the start, might have avoided the -inevitable and innumerable poor choices and often disastrous decisions -which are so characteristic of the woman suffering from a sexual -problem. - -Since I have designed this book to answer the needs of a specific -audience I should like to ask you to read it through and not skip -around trying to find the material that seems to apply directly to -you or to someone close to you. For, if you follow me as I go, you -will see that frigidity is not a single, simple, local symptom. It is -a complicated and profound problem involving many factors and having -profound consequences. One _can_ grasp the nature of this problem, -understand it, and cure it. To do so, however, you must have very -specific and complete knowledge of it in all its complexity. It may -take all your powers to master this complexity. To do so, however, will -be more than merely worth while. It can be the first great step toward -real love, upon whose threshold you have tarried already far too long. - -Before we advance into the subject itself, I should like to dispose of -a few widely held and thoroughly incorrect notions about frigidity. I -do this to clear away some of the underbrush which can impede those of -you who are seriously seeking a resolution of the problem. - -In the first place, let us look at this problem of a woman’s sexual -“responsibility,” as it has been recently called. Much has been written -about it and much of what I have read is pure nonsense, based on a -sort of mechanical conception of what love is and of what the act of -love means. I fear that such books encourage women who have deeply -rooted sexual difficulties to approach the problem from the wrong -direction and before they properly understand the real nature of -their difficulties. Such an approach leads them to attempt abortive -“solutions” which can only further discourage and disillusion them. -The basic error here is in trying to make the individual woman -“responsible” without giving her any real information about her -condition. - -The fact is that no woman who suffers from frigidity consciously -desires to. Nor can she be, for a single second, held accountable for -the fact that the problem developed. The word “blame” cannot by any -stretch of the imagination be used in connection with her problem. I -strongly urge you to let that point sink deeply into your heart and -mind. - -How could it possibly be that you had any responsibility in the matter? -This problem always develops in childhood or even infancy. It is partly -a product of early family and historical influences over which you had -not the slightest control, and it is partly a matter of the biological -heritage of all women everywhere. And you certainly can’t be held -responsible for that. - -Here is the attitude I have found most helpful to take toward this -matter of sexual responsibility: You are not responsible for having -developed a difficulty; you are not responsible for the existence of -your frigidity any more than the stutterer is responsible for his -stutter. However, once you realize it is a problem, that it is having -repercussions on you and those dear to you, you are responsible for -finding out everything you can about the problem and then, on the basis -of this information, taking whatever action is necessary. - -I have already mentioned another important misconception about -frigidity and should like to go into it a bit further now. I have -said that it is highly unlikely that the husband of a frigid woman is -responsible for her frigidity problem. I can’t emphasize that enough. -Of course if he is impotent, was when his wife married him and has -continued to be, she might have a case. But true sexual impotency in -the male is quite rare. Even, however, if he were truly impotent, the -fact remains that this particular woman did marry him--we have found -that when a woman marries an inadequate man she has done so because -she, all unknown to herself, was deeply afraid of true male virility. - -In saying the husband is rarely if ever to blame for a frigidity -problem I am running counter to a vast body of information that has -been published; in the 1930’s in particular, book after book appeared, -each showing conclusively that a happily married sexual life depended -on the male’s skill in arousing the woman. In such books the husband -was instructed to manipulate or caress her for X minutes in Y number of -erotic zones. By then, presumably, she would have reached such a state -of excitement that true sexual satisfaction could not possibly fail -her. Any failure of a woman to respond adequately in the marital bed -was always supposed to be due to faulty technique on the husband’s part. - -This is simply not true. Caressing or manipulating the genitalia or -secondary erotic zones of certain types of frigid women would only -result in exacerbated nerves or in a condition of inwardly screaming -protest. In other types, caressing might give temporary satisfaction -but in the long run could really be harmful from the psychological -standpoint, deepen or encourage immature methods of gratification. - -In short, while a husband, through tenderness and understanding, -may help a woman face the true nature of her problem, he is never -responsible for the _existence_ of her frigidity and cannot, through -any mechanical means, get her over it. - -I might add that neither can any man other than her husband. - -Another misconception about frigidity: Women who suffer from a greater -or lesser degree of frigidity often come to believe that there is -something wrong with them glandularly. Through a misunderstanding of -something they’ve read or heard, they get the idea that somewhere, -somehow, there is a drug that will cure them. A gynecologist I know -tells me that he has at least three women a week ask him to give -them hormones to step up their sexual responses. On the basis of his -statement I have checked with several other gynecologists and also with -five obstetricians. They all tell me that the request for hormonal -injections from women is a daily constant. - -Let me say here that frigidity is rarely a problem of glandular -malfunction. Much work has now been done in this area and, unless your -case is relatively unusual, you may rest assured that your problem is -basically a personal and psychological one. - -How can I be so certain of that last statement? Because real frigidity -reacts to psychological treatment; it can generally be cured in a -psychiatrist’s office without the use of any drugs whatsoever. - -If you reply: “Well, perhaps the mind has caused a glandular shutdown -in women with a frigidity problem,” we would answer: “Even if that -were true the mind would still be the ‘cause,’ and a real cure can be -effected only by getting at the cause.” - -A far more serious misunderstanding of the nature of true feminine -sexuality and of the nature of frigidity is shown by the following -case, told to me by a psychiatric colleague. - -A pretty young woman came to him stating that she had been unable to -have sexual satisfaction in intercourse. She had told her physician -of her problem two years previously. He had examined her and told her -that her clitoris was too far from her vagina. He informed her that -this biological fact made it impossible for her husband to contact the -clitoris with his penis during intercourse and that this was causing -her frigidity. The physician advised an operation which would bring the -clitoris and the vagina closer together, thus allowing the penis to -contact the clitoris during intercourse. - -The woman, in all good faith and with a laudable desire to be a -good wife, had gone through with this grotesque surgical procedure. -After the operation, when she was able to have intercourse again, -it had apparently worked. For two months she had had orgasms during -intercourse. Then slowly but surely her ability to respond disappeared. -Within three months she had become totally frigid. - -Nothing could be more mistaken than such an approach to the solution -of a sexual problem in a woman. In the first place, surgery performed -on the genitalia of a woman who is already sexually disturbed can -cause profound shock to her psychologically, deepen her disturbance -immeasurably--such was the case with this woman, my colleague told me. -Second, the fact that the clitoris and not the vagina is responsive -is a form of frigidity in itself. Even if this maddeningly ridiculous -operation had worked in the manner the physician had hoped, it would -only have perpetuated a situation that was in itself, psychologically -speaking, pathological. - -The psychiatrist did not have an easy time with this patient. The -traumatic experience caused by the operation and its failure had -taken a toll, and it took several months for her to recover from the -psychological effects. But she was a determined young woman. - -When she became convinced that the solution of her problem lay in -discovering the hidden misunderstandings about sexuality that had -occurred earlier in her life, she set about this task with a will. In -a relatively short time, through insight and understanding, by getting -the entire picture of frigidity and its meaning, she began to undo the -Gordian knot that even the surgeon’s keen knife could not cut. At the -root of her problem lay a totally hidden fear of pregnancy which she -was able to face and dispense with. Today she has two children and, -according to my colleague, is not only sexually normal but very happy -in her marriage. - -Let me make myself absolutely clear, even at the risk of repeating -myself. Frigidity is in the vast majority of cases, essentially a -psychological problem. The _only_ way it can be approached with any -hope of resolving it is through the mind, by understanding it. Anybody -who tells you differently is, to put it plainly and simply, wrong. And, -if you have a real frigidity problem and try to ascribe other than -psychological reasons for it (such as that your husband is the cause -of it), you are doing your cause (that of getting over the problem) a -grave disservice. - -When I say that the problem of frigidity is a psychological one -I am not overstating the case; I am, to simplify matters, rather -understating it. The greatest contribution of psychiatry in the past -sixty years has been the discovery of the central importance of -sexuality in the development of the individual. - -Dr. Therese Benedek in her classic work, _Psychosexual Functions in -Women_, states the whole matter succinctly when she says: “ … The -sexual drive … is the axis around which the organization of the -personality takes place.” - -When all goes well in the development of the young girl, both her -personality and her sexual passions will flower, she will achieve -a beautiful and integrated maturity. But if, as so often happens, -thwarting or blighting experiences take place, the development of her -personality and her sexuality will be frozen at their sources, and -maturity will remain a never-never land whose very existence she will -come to doubt. - -If she wishes to resume her growth she must be fearless, she must find -out and face the events that blocked her growth, the misunderstandings -and ignorance that prevent her from reaping the rewards of true -womanhood. She must insist, deep within herself, on achieving that -true and passional relatedness with her man for which there is neither -simulacrum nor substitute in woman’s journey through life. - -The bridge to emotional and sexual maturity is built of many -facts--hard, scientific facts. Master these facts, gain information on -this subject, and you can pass from a land of bitter deprivation to the -richness that is your due, your heritage. It is waiting for you on the -other side of your fear. - - - - - SECTION I - - _The Normal Woman_ - - - - - _Chapter 2_ - - THE NORMAL ORGASM - - -The first thing I am going to do on this, so to speak, journey with you -is to give you a view of your destination. I am going to describe an -orgasm to you. I am going to describe it in detail. - -We occasionally do this in psychiatry when dealing with a frigidity -problem, and sometimes it has astonishing results. I have seen women -who, after hearing for the first time a complete description from an -authoritative and objective person of what to expect of themselves in -the act of love, almost immediately win through to the sensual goal -they had been deprived of. - -On one occasion a patient of mine, who over a period of months had -worked through a rather severe frigidity problem, detailed to her -younger sister the wonderful sexual experience she was now able to -have. The younger sister had been married only two months and had not -once reached sexual climax. She had seriously contemplated consulting -a psychiatrist about her “problem.” The very night her older sister -described true orgasm to her she was able to achieve her own first -complete satisfaction with her husband. - -However, my chief motive in approaching the subject of frigidity -by describing the normal orgasm is not to try to bring about a -sudden or miraculous cure. In cases where such a sudden release of -mature sexuality is achieved and thaw comes like a sudden spring, -the frigidity problem is generally, even though it may appear to be -deep-seated, a superficial one, lightly rooted in the personality. - -The real reason I start with the orgasm is that a picture of the normal -is an absolute necessity if you are to understand deviations from it -with any real clarity. It is a truism that in order to understand -illness in the body it is first necessary to understand health. Every -doctor knows this and so do his teachers, for in medical school he -first learns, through classes in anatomy and physiology, the structure -and functions of the healthy body. - -I think you will understand frigidity more thoroughly if we pursue the -same technique here, first describing the genital anatomy of woman and -from there proceeding to a description of the normal orgasm, what it -is, where it is located, its function in the healthy man and woman, and -other pertinent material. - -Despite the wide dissemination of sexual information in our time, many -women often show an astonishing ignorance of their own genital region -and of the character and meaning of sexual response, including orgasm. -I have had patients who did not know that they possessed a clitoris, -others who made no distinction between their urethra and their vagina; -some have not known of the existence of the uterus as a separate organ, -and some, in confusion about their uniquely feminine secretions, have -believed that women can have a seminal ejaculation as men do. Perhaps -most of the readers of this book will have no such misinformation, but -nevertheless I feel it is wise to review the simple facts pertaining to -the feminine genitalia. - -Before making a detailed description of woman’s sexual apparatus, I -should like to make a preliminary observation which can help you to -understand the sexual nature of woman. It is this: that while women -are capable of having true sexual gratification in the same sense and -with the same intensity as men, they have one important difference -in their responses. The man, when he is aroused, feels the sexual -desire directly in his genitals. A woman’s first sexual sensations -are not usually genital but are felt over her entire body, on her -skin surfaces, everywhere; _this_ is followed by sexual excitation -in her genitals, and this is an important fact for both men and -women to understand. Ignorance of this fact has given rise to many -misunderstandings between the sexes, for of course it makes the -woman somewhat slower in reaching the moment when she is ready for -intercourse than the man is. It _must_ be taken into consideration by -both parties to an act of love. - -A woman’s genital apparatus is both internal and external. The external -genitalia are called the vulva when they are referred to all together. -The most obvious part of the vulva is the part we called the major (or -sometimes outer) lips, which enfold the rest of the genitalia. If these -lips are parted we see two smaller lips; these are called the minor -lips and have a very high degree of sexual responsiveness. Even in -books for laymen the Latin words are often used for these two organs: -_labia majoris_ and _labia minoris_, which mean, simply enough, the -major lips and the minor lips. - -The labia majoris also contain within their folds the rest of the -external genital structure of woman. Here we find the clitoris, the -vestibule, and the urethra, or opening to the bladder. - -The clitoris is by far the most important and most widely misunderstood -part of the external genitalia. It lies immediately above the top fold -of the labia minoris and is a little piece of tissue slightly less -thick than a pencil. This organ is enormously important to the whole -psychological and sexual development of the individual woman. It is -often called the “homologue of the male penis,” and this simply means -that in the embryo the cells which form the penis in the male are the -same cells which form the clitoris in the female. Thus the two organs -have the same cellular derivation. - -The clitoris, like the male penis, is made up of erectile tissue, and -when a woman is sexually excited it becomes erect in the same manner -that the penis does. It also has a head and a foreskin covering it, -and the head of the clitoris, at least in children and adolescents, -is generally extremely sensitive to stimulation. In the fully mature -female this sensitivity often diminishes, giving way to the vagina as -the primary source of the greatest sexual pleasure. However, many women -who become fully mature sexually maintain much of the original sexual -responsiveness of the clitoris. - -The remainder of the external genitalia is contained within the -vestibule. This is the entrance proper to the vagina and is very -susceptible to sexual excitation. The vestibule lies between the minor -lips and is directly beneath the clitoris. It contains the hymen, the -urethral opening, and the openings of the glands of Bartholin. - -The hymen is generally referred to as the maidenhead. It is a thin -membrane which partly covers the entrance to the vagina. There is no -direct sexual sensation on the hymen, and sometimes pain is experienced -when it is perforated, usually during the first intercourse, although -the hymen can be broken by an accident in childhood, through the -insertion of surgical instruments, etc. Because of the pain associated -with its perforation and the stories that a young girl often hears -about this pain, it can be a source of much anxiety to her and -condition her attitude toward sex in general. - -The glands of Bartholin are of great importance to the act of love. -These glands discharge a thin colorless mucus in sexual excitation, -and this lubricates the vaginal opening and canal during intercourse. -The amount of secretion varies greatly with each individual. Sexual -frigidity often affects these glands adversely, causing the secretions -to be inadequate or nonexistent. However, the amount of secretion will -also vary rather dramatically at times in the individual who has no -basic sexual blocking, and therefore the glands of Bartholin cannot be -taken as a final criterion of sexual adequacy or inadequacy. - -And now we come to the most important part of a woman’s anatomical -sexual equipment: the vagina. This is a passageway of some three to -three and a half inches which extends from the vestibule on the outside -of the cervix, which is the bottom end of the uterus. The vagina is, -of course, the canal which accepts the penis, and it may interest you -to know that in Latin the word literally means “a sheath for a sword.” -The sexual act in its purest form expresses the essential passivity -associated with women and the aggressiveness of the male, the actor and -the acted upon. The Romans understood this basic difference at least -linguistically. - -It may have surprised you to learn of the relatively short length of -the vagina. The tissue of its walls are extremely elastic, however, and -not only can it contain a penis of virtually any thickness or length, -but it can stretch enough to allow the newborn infant to pass through -it. The penis presses against the cervical end of the uterus, which may -be forced upward until the penis gains full entrance. Contact with the -soft tissue of the cervix is a source of great pleasure for the male, -and the pressure can be an equal pleasure for the woman. - -The vaginal walls are lined with a soft skin, not unlike mucous -membrane, but it does not secrete as mucous tissue will. A secretion -is, however, released from the cervix, and this also helps to lubricate -the vaginal canal during intercourse. - -I have said that the vagina is the most important part of a woman’s -sexual equipment. This is so because it is within the vagina that the -orgasm of the truly mature woman takes place. Upon it and within it she -receives the greatest sensual pleasure that it is possible for a woman -to experience. - -And this brings us to the subject of orgasm. I think you will -understand it more fully if I describe it in the context of the sexual -experience as a whole. - -The sexual instinct in both men and women is marvelously complex. When -it is unencumbered by neurosis it gives color, shape, brightness, -charm, vividness, and direction to the entire personality, and the -mechanisms by which it operates encompass both body and mind. - -Desire can be set off in a woman either in response to a touch or by -some act, sight, or thought which she has been exposed to. One of the -chief things to which a woman responds is a cumulative tenderness -expressed in words or in acts. - -Whatever the stimulus, however, the brain receives the signal and, -through the nervous system, sends out preparatory reactions throughout -the body. The response of men to stimuli perceived by the brain as -sexual is amazingly fast; some men arrive at full sexual preparedness -for intercourse within three seconds--that is, their penis becomes -fully erect and ready to enter the vagina within that time. Women -react, on the whole, somewhat more slowly, though full preparation for -intercourse, under the best of conditions, is often only a matter of a -few more seconds than the man’s. - -As the sexual excitement increases, tremendous changes go on throughout -the body, changes that might frighten you if they occurred under other -circumstances. - -The pulse rate goes up astonishingly. There are records of its reaching -150 and more as the individual approaches and then reaches the sexual -climax. Such pulse rates generally occur, in health, only in athletes -who are performing prodigious tasks of speed or endurance. - -The blood pressure, too, goes up precipitately. In a matter of a few -seconds it can rise well over 100 points. Breathing also becomes much -deeper and swifter. With the approach of orgasm the breathing becomes -interrupted; inspiration comes in forced gasps and expiration occurs -with a heavy collapse of the lungs. It is as though the sexually -excited person had been in a race. - -As the sexual act continues there is a general shortage of oxygen -throughout the body, which accounts for the unusual breathing. This -gives rise to a tortured expression on the face, as if the person -were undergoing severe pain. This fact has been observed by Kinsey in -his famous study of female sexuality, and I quote here an interesting -paragraph on the phenomenon: - -“ … Prostitutes who attempt to deceive (jive) their patrons, or -unresponsive wives who similarly attempt to make their husbands believe -that they are enjoying coitus, fall into an error because they assume -that an erotically aroused person should look happy and pleased and -should smile and become increasingly alert as he or she approaches the -culmination of the act. On the contrary, an individual who is really -responding is as incapable of looking happy as the individual who is -being tortured.” - -Within seconds after sexual arousal the blood supply in the veins and -arteries lying close to the skin increases, causing the body to become -flushed and the temperature to rise slightly. Certain areas of the body -are engorged with this blood, become swollen and erect, notably the -penis of the man, which swells, often to twice its size. In women, this -also happens to the clitoris, which becomes firm, and to the nipples -of both sexes. The firmness of these organs increases as the sexual -climax approaches. - -Muscles throughout the body begin to tense at the onset of sexual -excitement, and this tension increases as the excitement grows. -Certain glands and tissues also increase their secretions as the -sexual act commences and moves closer to completion. The salivary -glands and the nasal mucosa flow freely, and it is this latter fact -which causes, in conjunction with the engorgement of the surface blood -vessels, the characteristic nasal stuffiness so many people notice -after intercourse. In some women the secretions of the glands of -Bartholin and the mucus from the cervix of the uterus become amazingly -copious as sexual excitement rises, and particularly during orgasm -itself. This profuse flow may have given rise to the widely held and -entirely mistaken idea I have mentioned--that in orgasm women have an -ejaculation similar to the male’s. There is no such ejaculation--nor -indeed any female organ that could make one possible. - -One of the most amazing aspects of sexual intercourse is the fact -that all five senses become extremely dulled as the act increases in -intensity. The ability to feel hot and cold, to feel pain, or to hear -sounds becomes almost nonexistent. The eyes take on a characteristic -trance-like stare, and vision becomes constricted. The entire mind and -body are concentrated fully on the mounting sexual feeling and exclude -all else. In orgasm itself the anesthesia of the senses is almost -total. Indeed many people experience a temporary loss of consciousness -for a matter of seconds. Some, according to Kinsey’s findings, remain -unconscious for two or more minutes. - -This last fact brings us to our examination of the experience of orgasm -itself. If you are to understand frigidity in women it is of tremendous -importance to grasp the nature of orgasm and what it means physically -and psychologically. The importance of such understanding is due, of -course, to the fact that orgasm, of the type described here, is the -very thing the frigid woman is unable to have. In fact, its absence -from her experience is the usual definition of frigidity. Certain -kinds of frigid women may experience one, two, or all of the physical -and psychological reactions described above, which normally would -terminate with orgasm. But the final experience eludes them; at the -vital juncture the body, despite an agonizing need to come to a climax, -refuses to respond; it draws back, goes dead. - -Orgasm is the physiological response which brings sexual intercourse -to its natural and beautiful termination. It is preceded by a very -dramatic increase in all of the phenomena noted above. In the moment -just preceding orgasm, muscular tension suddenly rises to the point -where, if the sexual instinct were not in operation, it would become -physically unendurable. The pelvic motions of the man and the movement -of the penis back and forth within the vagina increase in speed and -in intensity of thrust. The woman’s pelvic movements also increase, -and her whole body attempts with every move to heighten the exquisite -sensations she is experiencing within her vagina. According to many -women with whom I have discussed this experience, the greatest pleasure -is caused by the sensation of fullness within the vagina and the -pressure and friction upon its posterior surface. - -At the moment of greatest muscular tension all sensations seem to take -one further rise upward. The woman tenses beyond the point where, it -seems, it would be possible to maintain such tension for a moment -longer. And indeed it is not possible, and now her whole body suddenly -plunges into a series of muscular spasms. These spasms take place -within the vagina itself, shaking the body with waves of pleasure. They -are felt simultaneously throughout the body: in the torso, face, arms, -and legs--down to the very soles of the feet. - -These spasms, which shake the entire body and converge upon the vagina, -represent and define true orgasm. At this moment the woman’s head is -thrown back and her pelvis tips upward in an attempt to obtain as -much penetration from the penis as is possible. The spasms continue -for several seconds in most women, though the time varies with every -individual, and in some women they may continue though with decreasing -intensity, for a minute or even more. - -Many women can repeat this performance two or more times before -their partner has his orgasm. The pathway, neurologically and -psychologically, has been set for orgasm and, if her partner continues -she can respond. I have had women report that the last orgasm is -sometimes more intense and satisfying than the first. - -If the woman is satisfied by her orgasmic experience she will discharge -the neurological and muscular tension developed in the sexual build-up. -When satisfaction has been achieved, her strenuous movements cease -and within a short period blood pressure, pulse, glandular secretion, -muscular tension, and all the other gross physical changes which -characterize sexual excitement return to normal, or even to subnormal, -limits. - -There have been detailed studies made of the physical reactions of both -men and women during intercourse. I think it is important to realize -that in almost every detail, including orgasm, these reactions and the -subjective experience of pleasure parallel each other in the sexes. The -major differences are that the woman is slightly slower to respond at -the outset than the man, and the orgasm of the man is characterized by -the ejaculation of sperm into the vagina. - -Full sexual satisfaction is followed by a state of utter calm. The -body feels absolutely quiescent. Psychologically the person feels -completely satisfied, at peace with the world and all things in it. The -woman in particular feels extremely loving toward the partner who has -given her so much joy, such a transport of ecstasy. Often she wishes to -hold him close for a while, to linger tenderly in the now subdued glow -of their passion. - -As you can see from this description, orgasm is a tremendous -experience. There is no physiological or psychological experience that -parallels its sweeping intensity or its excruciating pleasure. It is -unique. - -There are many who take a mystical view of this ecstatic coupling of -man and woman in love. They think of it as a symbol of a lost unity -between the sexes that strives to reassert itself in the act of love. -Others see in it a foretaste of heaven, the carnal representation of -endless spiritual delights for mankind. Many who are able to experience -orgasm in intercourse find it difficult not to ascribe some purposive -intent on the part of the Creator; the experience is that profound. - -The individual perceives orgasm as a reward equal to none. It puts the -sacrifices and compromises necessary to an enduring marriage into their -proper perspectives, makes the constant giving done by the woman seem -not only worth while but highly desirable. It is the strongest link in -the unbreakable bond between two who love. - -Do you recall Tennessee Williams’ play _A Streetcar Named Desire_? -In one of its most famous passages the frigid (and promiscuous) -older woman attempts to break up the marriage of her younger sister, -appealing to a spurious pride of class, pointing out that the younger -woman has married beneath her, married a beer-drinking, poker-playing -common day laborer. The younger woman is almost convinced that she -should act on the false values of her sister. After all, these values -had been inculcated in both women by the same parents and they went -deep. The young girl’s husband saves her, however; he simply reminds -her of the pinwheels she sees, of the high music of the bells she -hears when they embrace in love. It is enough. She returns to him -without a word. The bond of their wonderful sexual life is unbreakable, -far stronger than the powerful and subtle assault the envious and -destructive sister can make upon the marriage. - -The ability to have a full orgasm is, in most cases, the hallmark -of the psychologically mature woman. It is the sign that she has -successfully weathered the storms of childhood and youth and come, -unscathed, into full womanhood, with all that it implies. - - - - - _Chapter 3_ - - THE NOT IMPOSSIBLE SHE - - -What _is_ the mature woman? Who is she? What are her characteristics? -Her personality? Her role in life? - -It is of vital importance to an understanding of the frigid woman to -answer these questions, for again, only by understanding what health -is, can we truly grasp the meaning of any departure from it. - -There have been great arguments about what the word “normal” means. -Millions of words have been written about it. I fear that most of them -have only clouded the issue. Odd definitions of normalcy have led -millions of women down very odd and unhappy paths. You will recall, for -example, that Victorianism elevated frigidity to the position of the -norm for all womankind--with disastrous results. - -At the start of my practice I encountered another strange and tragic -view of the normal that has had a powerful influence on American women. -This view, which we will encounter in more detail when the feminist -movement is discussed later, still has wide repercussions and is -intimately bound with the subject of frigidity and divorce. - -In my introduction to it a lovely woman of forty came to consult -me. She was deeply disturbed and could hardly speak, she wept so. -Somehow I felt at once that there was a deep rage behind those -tears. I recognized her name when she was able to get it out; she -was a successful lawyer whose name many would still recognize in all -probability. - -In her thirty-ninth year she had fallen in love for the first time with -a fine man, another successful lawyer. Her dormant sexuality and true -femininity had been awakened completely in her since their marriage -a year before, and they both now wanted children badly. However, a -physical examination had indicated (as unhappily it so often seems to -do for women who postpone their first pregnancy for too long), that she -would have to have a hysterectomy, for she had developed a tumor in the -wall of her uterus. - -She felt cruelly deprived, and I saw her for several sessions. During -these periods she told me of her background. Her father had died -when she was an infant and her mother had been a militant leader of -the movement for women’s “rights.” The whole emphasis in her early -upbringing had been on achievement in the male world, and in the male -sense of the word. She had been taught to be competitive with men, to -look upon them as basically inimical to women. Women were portrayed as -an exploited and badly put upon minority class. Marriage, childbearing, -and love were traps that placed one in the hands of the enemy, man, -whose chief desire was to enslave woman. Her mother had profoundly -inculcated in her the belief that women were to work in the market -place at all cost, to be aggressive, to take love (à la Russe) where -they found it, and to be tied down by nothing, no one; no more, as her -mother put it, than a man is. - -Such a definition of the normal had, of course, made her fearful of -a real or deep or enduring relationship with a man. For years she -sedulously avoided men entirely. Gradually, through her grown-up -experiences, she learned of other values, but by the time the right -man came along it was too late to have children. - -I was right that her tears had been tears of rage. They were directed -at her mother’s authoritarian but totally mistaken view of the feminine -role in life and were, to my mind, justified. When she had sufficiently -vented her righteous anger, but not until then, we were able to move on -to more practical matters. Her marriage was a happy one, and finally -she adopted two children. With some of her values revised she made a -wonderful mother for them. I visited this family only recently, and -it seems to be one of the happiest and healthiest, psychologically -speaking, I have ever seen. - -Most women who have been reared with such ideas of what is normal -are not so fortunate, however. They cling to their defensive and -self-destructive values to the end, which is often bitter. - -And there are, still, passionately convinced and often eloquent -purveyors of these ideas. After reading the brilliant best seller, -_The Second Sex_, by Simone de Beauvoir, the French authoress, I was -saddened to see such clarity and brilliance in the service of such a -mistaken cause. Her tacit conclusions seem to be that woman’s historic -role of wife and mother are degrading to our sex, have kept woman from -her true destiny. As she describes what that true destiny is, however, -her clarity departs, and the role and function of this woman of the -future become more than merely vague. Their foggy contours remind me of -the glamorous-sounding but totally evanescent and mist-enshrouded goals -that many of the frigid and lonely women I treat have when they first -come for help. - -There is _no_ vagueness about the goals, functions, and needs of the -normal woman. Science in recent years has thrown a bright light on -her, and that is why we can be certain of many fundamental details -about her. She is a mature, fully functioning woman, a woman who -has realized the better part of her potentialities, who knows how to -achieve and handle love and happiness, who has won through to a fully -satisfying mental and sexual life. - -I very frequently draw a word portrait of such a woman for patients -who come to consult me about their sexual problem. It often makes them -angry, and they deeply resent some of the characteristics of this -idealized woman. They call her all sorts of names: “a victim of the -male,” “an impossible ideal.” One eloquent younger woman called her “a -faceless tramp,” and I have heard older women, brought up under a more -inhibited code than exists now, call her “a shameless hussy.” - -And yet despite the hostility that my portrait is often greeted with -there is soon other evidence in my troubled listeners that they have -been touched deeply by the idea that such a picture of womanhood might -conceivably be a possibility for them. “Do you really think I could -ever get to be anything like that?” The yearning question, phrased in -any number of wistful ways, will inevitably come, despite the obvious -hostility, the bristling defenses, the fact that the speaker is scared -blue of sex and motherhood and all they mean. - -You see, women want to find themselves, desperately want to. And in -this portrait they get a hint, often the first they have ever had, of -what to aim for, of the real potential inside themselves. - -I call this subject of my sketch “idealized,” and she is. But I want to -emphasize that she is not a personal idle daydream of my own, based on -airy nothingness; very much the contrary. Her characteristics are based -on exact and thoroughly checked psychological and biological facts, -facts upon which the leading scientists in this field are in general -agreement. And she is a composite based on observations of women I -have known, and not always clinically. If you stop to think as you read -about her, you may realize that you have known such women too. - -What, then, is she like? First of all to give us a frame for our -portrait so that we can see what we _do_ know more clearly, let me -state what we cannot know about her; what, in fact, is irrelevant. - -We don’t know what she looks like. She may be tall or short, -red-haired, blond, or brunette. She may have large breasts and round -hips and sloping shoulders, or she may be small-breasted (or even -flat-chested), have wide shoulders and narrow hips. She may have a -career or not have a career, be more intelligent and better educated -than her husband or less intelligent and less well educated. She may -have children or be unable to have children. She may be rich or poor, -come from the “400” or from the slums. She may be a bit shy or quite at -ease socially. She may be athletic or totally unathletic. These things -we don’t know about her and, for our purposes, they do not matter. - -Here are some of the things we do know. - -In the first place, she is very much “at home” in the world. Deep -inside herself she feels profoundly secure, safe, both with herself and -with her husband. She is very, very glad to be a woman, with all the -duties, responsibilities, and joys it entails. She can’t imagine what -it would be like to be a man and has no interest in imagining it as a -possible role for herself. She feels that the very existence of her -husband makes the world safe for her. - -This feeling may seem unrealistic, in view of the very clear -insecurities in the world today. As you will discover, however, it is -based on a far deeper understanding of reality, on a far deeper reality -than the one reflected in the alarums published in the daily newspaper. - -This sense of reality almost invariably leads her to select a husband -who is good for her, often near perfect, in fact. He might not be -perfect for another woman, nor perfect in any ultimate sense, but he -is near perfect for _her_. He loves her and intends to go on loving -her. He may be a carpenter or an architect, a lawyer, a dock hand, or a -poet, but he, with her, is passionate and loyal, a good companion and -a good father for her children. She has an infallible sense about this -matter, and though she may have had an adolescent or college crush on a -no-gooder, she simply never will marry him. - -Of course marrying a good husband adds to her sense of “at-homeness” -in the world. Related to this feeling in her, to her sense of -security, seeming almost to spring from it, indeed, is a profound -delight in giving to those she loves. Psychiatrists, who consider this -characteristic the hallmark, the _sine qua non_, of the truly feminine -character, have a name for it: they call it “essential feminine -altruism.” - -As you will see, it too has its roots in woman’s biology, is, on its -deepest level, a need in her that must have expression. The finest -flower of this altruism blossoms in her joy in giving _the very best -of herself_ to her husband and to her children. She never resents this -need in herself to give; she never interprets its manifestations as -a burden to her, an imposition on her. It pervades her nature as the -color green pervades the countryside in the spring, and she is proud of -it and delights in it. - -It is this altruism, this givingness, that motivates her to keep her -equilibrium, to hold onto her _joie de vivre_ despite whatever may -befall. It stands her in marvelous stead for all the demands that life -is going to make on her--and they will be considerable. When a woman -does not have this instinctually based altruism available to her, or -when she denies that it is a desirable trait, life’s continuous small -misfortunes leave her in a glowering rage, helpless and beside herself -with self-pity. - -Another fact about her which you may be surprised to learn is that -she is deeply religious--though not officially or even consciously. -In fact, if her husband’s background has been antagonistic to formal -religion and he is still reflecting his background, she may pay lip -service to his agnosticism or even atheism. But that doesn’t mean a -thing. Just beneath the surface is an absolutely firm belief in the -existence of a Creator and in some form of heaven. She’s not so clear -about hell. - -She also believes firmly in the fact that marriage is a sacrament, -binding forever. Given the slightest encouragement or support, she -will formalize these beliefs, join a church or develop a kind of -personal pantheism. Why? Biologically speaking, she is the carrier -of immortality, of the generations of man. This gives her a close -affinity to and appreciation of the awesome and creative mysteries of -the universe: moonrise, tidal flow, the growth, death, and rebirth of -things. - -Sexually she almost always reaches a climax during the act of love. -Sometimes she reaches two or, if she and her husband are feeling -particularly lusty, even three. But the number of times is unimportant, -despite the Kinsey report. - -What _is_ important is the _kind_ of orgasm she has. It is of the kind -described in the previous chapter, of course; the kind that starts deep -within her vagina and extends to all parts of her body. She doesn’t -talk about it very often, but when she does it is always poetically. -I have heard one woman refer to it as “a sensation of such beauty -and intensity that I can hardly think of it without weeping”; of it -another said, “It’s like a mounting symphony, rising in tremendous and -irresistible rhythms till your whole being feels as though it has been -swept away.” One woman, less lyrical but still exact, said, “It’s like -going over Niagara Falls in a barrel.” Nobody can ever _quite_ evoke -the exact sensations in words, but, as one woman told me, “Nobody who -has ever had it will doubt whether her experience is the real thing.” - -What else characterizes her sexually? Well, she’s not very modest, I’m -afraid. In fact, she’s quite a show-off and likes sexual compliments -from her husband, dressed or undressed, verbal or otherwise. Her -nineteenth-century sister would have been vastly shocked by her whole -attitude in the bedroom. - -She’s not sexually shy at all. She wouldn’t demur a moment at -initiating love with her husband, though she will immediately change -her amorous direction if she finds he is too tired or is preoccupied, -without feeling the least bit rejected. Don’t forget that, for one -thing, just under the surface (and sometimes on it) she considers her -marriage a heaven-made arrangement that is going to last forever, and -she need not look upon any one experience as too important in itself. - -However, there is another very important point. I have indicated that -sexually she takes her cue from her husband. What does she know, do you -suppose--know deeply and instinctively--that makes her do this, while -other women refuse to? - -She knows this: that it is the man who, from the purely physical -viewpoint, has to be ready before sexual intercourse can take place. -No matter how many books have been written that ignore the fact, it -is nevertheless true that, if the man does not have an erection, -love-making cannot take place. - -Just think about it for a moment. A woman _can_ make love at any time; -a man only when he is ready. There may be psychologically preferential -circumstances for a woman, but there is no physical prerequisite. - -That is why (by virtue of that deeper sense of reality we spoke of) -when her husband is ready to make love our lady is nearly always -willing, barring sickness or certain difficulties that may come up -during pregnancy. And that is why she is always willing to forgo -love-making if he is not ready. Her deep altruism makes her extremely -sensitive to his moods, and she will not find it in herself to treat -him as if he were a robot, become angry or feel rejected when, if the -button is pushed, he doesn’t respond. - -On this same point: she knows how much store men put on their potency, -how vulnerable they can become if they are made to feel inadequate to -the needs of a wife. She would die a thousand deaths rather than have -her husband gain any such inference from her actions. It’s her altruism -again. - -Her eternal acquiescence, her ever-readiness, never lets her in for a -painful sexual experience, however. She knows that ninety-nine times -out of one hundred even negative sexual feelings in herself will soon -turn to eagerness, and eagerness to desire. And even if that once in -a hundred times occurs, she will still get a profound satisfaction -from the pleasure she is able to give her husband, the very obvious -pleasure. Once more that deep altruism. - -But she not only takes the lead from him about _whether_ they are -going to make love--the _kind_ of love they are going to make is also -usually his decision and, in pure delight, she follows him completely. -If he feels purely lusty, soon she does too; does he feel gentle and -tender, then she picks up that mood. Experimental? Let’s, by all means, -experiment. Passive? She’ll be active. It takes her little time to find -out that a geisha has the tremendous disadvantage of believing that -techniques are more important than love and the love of following one’s -partner. - -Despite her very pronounced wantonness with her husband, however, she -has no promiscuous urges whatsoever. She is realistic about other men -and finds them attractive or unattractive, as the case may be. But she -neither desires them nor has any fantasies of a sexual nature about -them. One woman put it this way to me: “I like other men if they’re -attractive,” she said. “Their attractiveness does honor to the sex my -husband belongs to.” - -Nor is she ever tempted to indulge in self-masturbation, at least not -after one or two tasteless and pointless experiments she may make -during her first absence from her husband. To her, sexuality is devoid -of any meaning whatsoever if there is not mutuality, if it is not -shared. - -Lest you think that our paragon’s altruism could end up by making her a -martyr, a person without any real regard for herself, I must hasten to -nip that idea in the bud. In her quiet way she is quite self-centered. -In the first place, she’s contented with all aspects of her body, all -the details of a female anatomy that gives her so much pleasure. If in -her cultural background there were influences which tended to inculcate -disgust with certain natural functions, she finds herself rejecting -them. For example, I have had several patients who, during the course -of their therapy and as they found a new maturity developing in them, -find themselves ruminating on the word “curse” as it is used to -describe the menstrual flow. Reflection almost always makes them drop -the word from their vocabulary entirely. In the end they are far more -likely to call it a blessing. - -This self-love, her pride in and love of her body, is reflected in -her outward appearance. She likes to be as clean as a cat and as neat -as a pin. She enjoys dressing well. She is very aware of the things -that bring out her special attractiveness. She also knows how to make -herself up to the very best advantage. But she does not spend hours -daily on her toilet in front of the mirror. She is far too confident -of herself, has too much self-love, to feel that such a production is -necessary. - -Here’s the way I’d put it. She accepts and is pleased with the way she -is and the way, as time passes, she is going to be. This is true of her -mental capacities as well as of her physical attributes, but we can see -it most clearly in her attitude toward her physical self. As I said at -the beginning, we don’t know whether she has small breasts or large -breasts, rounded hips or narrow hips. We only know that, whatever she’s -got, she enjoys. - -You see, she knows perfectly well that it is passion and response which -spin the plot of love and not, ever, fetish or fashion. She really -feels sorry for women who worry about what they haven’t got or the -effect of growing older. If she were small-breasted she would never -disguise that fact, and you can be certain that her husband, at least -after the relationship had got under way and he’d had a chance to -experience her pleasures, would soon drop any adolescent predilections -he had imagined he possessed. - -The husband of one such woman said to me: “When I was in college I had -a conviction that really beautiful women had to be redheads. I can’t -imagine now _what_ made me believe such a thing.” I know his wife well; -she’s a brunette, and you and I might not be the least bit impressed by -her looks. But he knows better; he knows her real beauty. And, I happen -to know, so does she. - -The confidence and pleasure our fair lady has in her person and in her -other attributes (her self-love) have one very odd quality. And it is -an all-important one. This self-love is _detachable_. - -With a flick of her psyche she can project practically all of it onto -her children, take as much joy from their beauty, achievements, and -pleasures as she ever got from her own. She detaches it, too, on behalf -of her husband, often will exaggerate his good qualities and minimize -any weakness he might have, as long as the weakness is not a danger to -family and home. - -Her detachable self-love and her need to give unrestrainedly are -two chief components of the maternal instinct. To put it mildly, as -perhaps you have noticed, she is pervaded with this instinct. To her -the fulfillment of it is the most central and all-important function -of her life. It colors and deepens and enriches her sexual life with -her husband. Her unconscious fantasy with every intercourse is that -he might make her with child, and her psychological and biological -gratitude to him for this richest of all potential gifts is boundless. -Her fantasies about becoming pregnant may excite her directly. - -I have paid particular attention to this connection between the sexual -instinct and the maternal instinct in many patients of mine who have -come to therapy because they were afraid of childbirth. When they have -been able to rid themselves of such fears they are almost always struck -by the new dimension that is added to their sexual life. The things -they say about it are often poetic or even mystical. - -One woman, who because of childhood experiences had been scared -to death of bearing a child and whose fear was causing a partial -frigidity, said to me of her new sexual experience: “I was living in -one room of a whole mansion, and now I have the whole mansion for my -own.” Another woman, who had believed her love life complete despite -her deep fear of pregnancy, said of the change in her feelings during -love-making: “Oh, it was fun before, but now the idea that I might -become pregnant makes me feel at one with the whole universe. It’s -strange. There are almost no words to express it.” - -Our ideal woman carries this characteristic feeling of a deep -identification with nature, with all things that grow and bud and -blossom, through her pregnancy and long thereafter. Childbirth had no -real terrors for her; she sails through it proudly, like a clipper made -especially for such weather. - -And she usually wants to nurse her child at her breast. She does, too, -unless a breast abscess or some other unforeseen difficulty arises. -And, though I have no statistics to prove it, I would bet that her milk -is both plentiful and good. - -I know that today there is a tremendous emphasis on the importance -of careers for women, but I am afraid that our mature woman cannot -get terribly excited about the subject. I don’t mean that she’s -antagonistic to this whole modern movement. She may be a career woman -herself, a nurse, a doctor, a lawyer, a fashion designer, whatever. But -now, happily married and with children in the offing or already here, -she can’t feel that its of central importance. If it’s necessary for -the family welfare she will keep her job, but any drive she had after -high school or college to go far in it is sacrificed, if necessary, to -her love-making and homemaking instincts. - -She is not the least bit jealous of her husband’s work. As I pointed -out earlier, she may be smarter than her husband or may basically -have a much higher intelligence quotient, or she may be far more -thoroughly educated than he is. Or she may be highly talented in some -art form--writing, music, painting, sculpture. You will never, however, -hear her complain that she gave up a career for her family, or angrily -envy the daily adventures of her man in the market place. Her joy and -satisfaction in the fulfillment of her own biological destiny make all -other personal achievements pale for her, any other considerable use -for her energies almost a waste. - -As she grows older and her family grows up and the children learn to -stand on their own feet and use their own wings, she may return to -work. However, even then, interest in her now-grown children and their -children will be far greater than any she can summon up for her job. - -As you might expect, our paragon ages very gracefully. Those sure -instincts which led her to successful love in marriage and to success -in rearing her children stand her in good stead now. She still loves -to give, and she perceives the right time to give her children up, -to let them stand on their own, learn the difficult uses of freedom. -Admittedly this is a great sacrifice for a mother, but she is deeply -pleased to make it. And in doing so without fuss or feathers, she wins -her children’s regard and love forever. - -I am very pleased to say that the menopause brings no diminution in her -ability to enjoy her husband sexually. Contrary to what many people -still think, her orgasm does not decrease in intensity or in kind. -Increasing age and the absence of children in the home now bring her -and her husband closer together again and, great companions, they -develop a whole series of shared pleasures consistent with their years. - -As she goes down into the other side of her middle years, she is not -troubled with regrets for things left undone. She has a deep sense -of fulfillment, of life lived rightly. And, whether she has become -consciously religious or not, she is still, basically, a believer in -immortality, for she has served it with her whole being. She looks on -death totally unafraid, wondering perhaps what the Creator who has made -her life such a marvel is like on an even closer view. - - * * * * * - -This, then, is the idealized picture of the truly feminine woman. While -granting that the plane of maturity she has achieved is rather too -exalted for most women to attain, I have given her to you for some very -concrete reasons. - -With merely this ideal to follow, I have seen many women reap immediate -rewards some time before they were able to come to grips with their -frigidity per se. The characteristics and neurotic goals that accompany -frigidity often cause obvious domestic frictions that can be greatly -reduced when the woman begins to see new horizons for herself--that -she need not be blaming others. Her grateful husband will reward her -at once for her change, with renewed affection and tenderness, a new -solicitude, a new caring. - -Our idealized portrait can help you, too, to grasp more thoroughly the -rest of this book. We have found, in psychiatry, that when a goal has -been clearly defined half the battle has been won. As we come now to -the chapters on frigidity, its history, its whys and wherefores, kinds -and causes and cures, you will have before you a picture of what the -potentialities of women are, a landmark to show you how far our sex can -stray from real femininity, a guide to keep you from confusion, from -ever subscribing again to false and destructive ideas of what it is -that constitutes real womanhood. - - - - - SECTION II - - _The Psychology of Frigidity_ - - - - - _Chapter 4_ - - WHAT IS FRIGIDITY? - - -Now that we have seen the real potential of woman, how she can flower -and blossom in the climate of love, what she can be like when she -embraces her true destiny, we may turn to an examination of frigidity -with some perspective. This section will deal with what frigidity is, -specifically, and why it can and does occur in women, blighting their -capacities, stunting their personality, chilling and killing their -ability to love at the heart’s deep core. When a woman gets a clear -picture of such matters, and _only_ when she does, can she find her way -back to the highroad of real womanhood. - -If we take the word “frigidity” in its most general sense it means, as -I have already stated, an inability to enjoy sexual love to its fullest -potentiality. This means, purely and simply, the inability to have -an orgasm of the type described in Chapter 2. But the matter is more -complicated than that, for there are degrees of frigidity, and I think -it is very important to understand what this means. - -Perhaps I can make this idea clearest by first describing the symptoms -of a woman who came to see me several months ago. She was an example of -total sexual frigidity. - -In our first interview she described herself as having absolutely no -sexual reactions whatsoever. She did not respond to her husband’s -caresses in any way at all. Neither her clitoris, vagina, nor labia was -capable of the slightest sexual response. She received no stimulation -from kissing or physical closeness. Her breasts and all secondary -erotic regions were, from the standpoint of sensual response, dead. Her -vaginal passage never became lubricated before or during intercourse. -The act of love was very painful for her. An examination by a competent -gynecologist showed no physical condition which would explain her pain. -Her external genitalia were all fully developed. Her reproductive -organs--the vaginal tract, cervix, uterus, tubes, and ovaries--also -were normally developed and showed no pathology. - -This woman’s sexual unresponsiveness was entirely psychological, and on -a scale showing the degrees of frigidity she would represent absolute -zero. (This is no longer true of her, incidentally; she has made -progress in therapy in a relatively short time, considering the extent -of her difficulty, and her final prognosis promises to be excellent.) - -At the opposite end of this frigidity scale is the woman who trembles -on the verge of sexual maturity but cannot quite step over the line. -In the act of love she has all the responses which I have described -as taking place in normal sexual intercourse, but she cannot come to -orgasm, or at least orgasm happens quite rarely--say once in ten or -twenty times--and it is generally a mild and unsatisfactory one. You -will be interested to know that her sexual problem is a relatively -easy one to resolve. This is the kind of frigidity that may disappear -entirely after the birth of a child. I have seen it dispelled, too, -by a single conversation with a wise counselor or with just time and -a minimum of insightful understanding which she can obtain by taking -thought or learning more about the nature of her problem and dispelling -certain misunderstandings she has had about the nature of sex, -marriage, men, and love. - -In between these two types there are all degrees of sexual frigidity. -The severity of a woman’s problem, or the lack of it, can be calculated -in terms of the degree of response she has to her husband’s caresses -and the frequency with which she achieves satisfaction in intercourse. -Also important in estimating the degree of the problem is the orgasm -itself. This is purely a subjective matter and can of course be judged -only by the individual. If the orgasm is weak and chronically leaves -one with a dissatisfied feeling, a certain degree of frigidity is -present. - -In addition to the _degrees_ of frigidity there is a _type_ of -frigidity that it is very important to understand. We call a woman -suffering from this form of frigidity a “clitoridal” or “masculine” -type. To make her problem clear to you I shall have to describe her -typical sexual reaction. - -This woman’s responses to sexual stimulation are usually quite -passionate. In the foreplay preceding sexual intercourse and even in -the first part of intercourse her reactions parallel the normal to a -greater or lesser extent. This type of woman, however, can always be -identified by the kind of orgasm she has. - -This orgasm takes place on her clitoris exclusively. She does not -feel the orgasm in her vagina, nor do the sexual sensations spread -very strongly to the other parts of her body. The sensual experience -is primarily localized at climax, and though, owing to her lack of -experience with the mature form of orgasm, she may defend her orgasm as -perfectly normal and adequate, it is not. Therapy has helped many women -with this constricted reaction to sexual intercourse and, once they -have experienced the profound pleasure of the true orgasm, they will -admit quite freely their former deprivation. - -The clitoridal woman seeks to obtain her typical orgasm in two ways. In -intercourse she will sometimes strive to bring her clitoris into direct -contact with the penis, thus obtaining the stimulation necessary for -her to achieve climax. Most women, however, are not able to gratify -themselves in this way. Intercourse seems to deaden their sexual -feelings, even their clitoral feelings. It is as though the male penis -in the vagina represented a dangerous and hostile presence. Such women -are only able to come to their clitoridal climax either by masturbating -themselves or having their husbands do so before or after intercourse. - -The clitoridal woman--that is, the woman who experiences orgasm on her -clitoris alone--is very definitely suffering from a form of frigidity. -Indeed this form of frigidity is extremely widespread, and we will -devote much space to it later, tracing the origin of the difficulty and -the indications for treatment. - -Since we have a name for the clitoridal type of sexual frigidity, let -us, for the sake of clarity, also give a name to the form of frigidity -first described, that which is characterized by a subnormal degree of -sensation in the entire genital area and weak and infrequent orgasm. -This form of frigidity is called sexual anesthesia in textbooks, and I -will use that phrase here when I refer to it. The word “anesthesia,” as -you probably know, simply means the absence, or relative absence, of -sensation. - -Now that we have named names I should like to say that I wish the -problem of frigidity were as uncomplicated as this description makes -it sound. If it were we’d simply have the problem of a large number -of women who weren’t getting all the pleasure out of life that is -possible. But there is far more to it than that. - -The sad fact is that frigidity usually has a profound psychological -repercussion on the individual. Her inadequacy is rooted in her -childhood or adolescence, in early fears and misunderstandings, in -events largely forgotten now. Around these early experiences, as -crystals around a string, have clustered a whole series of personality -traits that make life very hard for her and, much too often, unbearable -for those nearest and dearest to her--her husband and her children. - -To put it most directly, frigidity is generally a product of neurosis. -And, most importantly, the frigid woman’s neurotic behavior is in -direct proportion to the degree of her frigidity. I have found it to be -true that, the more frigid a woman is, the more neurotic her behavior -becomes, the more inimical to her own good and to the good of her -family. - -It is these psychological repercussions that make the problem of -frigidity a serious one for the individual and society. The frigid -woman’s often grossly neurotic psychological traits are raising havoc -with our marital institution in the form of unhappiness, divorce, and -maladjustment in her children. - -Women will usually face the fact that they are sexually frigid; -generally they have to; the knowledge is forced upon them. But they -will rarely face the fact that they have personality difficulties that -are directly related to their obvious sexual difficulty. - -Let me give you an illustration. - -Last year a very intelligent woman came to see me. She was an associate -professor of history at a leading university and, according to her, -her only complaint was that she could not have an orgasm during -intercourse. She was unusually frank in describing the sexual aspect -of her problem in her first interview, and when she had finished the -description of her reactions and lack of them she had described a -woman with a rather severe sexual anesthesia. She had neither clitoral -nor vaginal sensation and could claim only some vaguely pleasant -sensations on her labia. She had nothing approximating an orgasm. - -Actually she was a very fine woman, but she was totally confused about -this area of her life. “If I could only break through this silly little -block,” she told me, “our marriage would be ideal.” I could get no -further real facts from her. She insisted that she and her husband had -“a whole community of shared interests” and two “wonderfully normal” -children. I asked to see her husband. - -I got the real story from him. He was, he told me, quite worried about -his wife and about their marriage and had been for a long time. - -She had always, he said, been an extremely competitive woman, but since -his promotion from associate professor to full professor four years -before, this characteristic had become almost unendurable. “I hardly -dare to open my mouth any more,” he told me, “because I know she’s -going to contradict me.” Quarrels had become extremely frequent, and -their oldest child was definitely showing neurotic signs. I inquired -about her reactions during her pregnancies, and he told me that she -had been constantly ill physically and, while she would not admit it, -had clearly been deeply frightened of the whole experience. Indeed, -after the birth of the second child she had become severely depressed -for over two months. He told me that yes, indeed, they had _had_ a -community of interests for the first couple of years of their marriage -but that her competitiveness with him had become so pronounced that any -mutuality, from his standpoint, was now almost impossible. - -Any psychiatrist knowledgeable in such matters could have guessed -from the woman’s description of her sexual problem pretty much what I -learned about her from her husband. For, as I have pointed out, the -kind and degree of frigidity a woman may confess to are also an open -statement of the kind and degree of personality distortion she is -subject to. - -As one might guess, this patient was not easy to treat. She had -developed a powerful tendency to handle her fears by denying their -existence. When she was finally able to see through this self-deceiving -trait, however, she came to grips with her problem. She was able to -see that she had been in a ten-year competition with her husband -instead of a marriage. When she realized this she was able to control -her competitive actions, and the immediate rewards she received in -the form of renewed affection and companionship from her grateful -husband motivated her to find out more and more about herself. At -length this intelligent but dreadfully insecure person became, through -understanding and insight, a real woman able to give and take in every -aspect of the love relationship. - -Frigidity causes a personality distortion. I wish to impress this on -you deeply. It means that the person has a misunderstanding of reality, -denies it, blames others for her own miseries and failures. - -One woman who had been cured of a severe frigidity problem phrased -it this way: “I was looking at life and people through a distorting -glass. No wonder I made such poor decisions.” She was right, too. Her -problem had first driven her to promiscuity, then to marriage with an -alcoholic. I was very glad, when she first came for treatment, that she -had not yet had any children. With her deeply seated, sexually based -personality problem she might have ruined them. I am even gladder that, -remarried to a fine man, she has two children now. - -In a later section we shall examine in great detail these personality -problems that accompany frigidity. There are, however, more immediate -symptoms which I should like to go into here. - -You will recall in the description of sexual intercourse leading to -orgasm how thoroughly the body becomes mobilized: heartbeat, pulse, and -blood pressure rise precipitately, tissues become engorged with blood, -glands secrete freely, muscular tension mounts to a pitch which would -be unendurable if the sexual instinct were not demanding expression. -Complete satisfaction brings an end to all these processes, and the -energy discharged through normal channels and in a normal manner leaves -the person in a condition of relaxation and with a sense of well-being. - -When orgasm does _not_ take place, when there is no release of the -intensely mobilized energy, there are immediate repercussions, both -physical and psychological, on the individual. - -Psychologically the woman who has been brought to such a pitch -experiences a feeling of acute frustration which, consciously or -unconsciously, turns to anger at herself and at her partner. If the -anger is unconscious, she may have physiological symptoms--headache, -nausea, throat constrictions, heart palpitations, or difficulty with -breathing. She may also weep uncontrollably, vomit, or have tremors -throughout her body. - -This unconscious anger at her frustration may also cause her to quarrel -with her husband or to take out her rage on the children. - -I should like to emphasize that she usually does not see any connection -between these symptoms and her frustrated sexual experiences. When her -anger at her frustration does become conscious, she usually blames her -husband for her lack of satisfaction. As I have pointed out, he is -rarely to blame. - -Purely physical symptoms not connected with repressed anger may also -follow upon sexual excitement which has not been released through -orgasm. These are somatic and can probably be traced to undischarged -neuromuscular and glandular energy. Such symptoms include low back -pain, general restlessness, and very often acute insomnia. Several of -my patients have complained of severe vaginal pains which have lasted -several hours. Gynecologists report that abdominal cramps, probably -emanating from contractions of the uterus, are frequent. - -As you can see from this recital of symptoms and my preliminary -descriptions of personality disorders, women may pay a very high price -for their frigidity. If the condition were relatively rare, we could -take some comfort from _that_ fact at least. - -But frigidity is not rare; it is one of the commonest and most serious -chronic ailments that beset society today. Conservative estimates -indicate that 40 per cent of all American women suffer from some degree -or kind of sexual frigidity. No other public health or social problem -of our time even approaches this magnitude. - - * * * * * - -I have now told you about the degrees and psychological consequences of -frigidity and described one basic type. There are, however, two other -types of frigidity which, because they have certain confusing elements -in them, I have reserved until now to explain. Psychologically and -sexually both of these types seem to run counter to the generalities I -have made about frigidity so far. - -The first type, though we consider her definitely frigid in the wide -sense of the word, is able to have full and complete orgasm practically -every time she has intercourse. This is really quite an astonishing -fact, considering the usual close connection between personality and -sexuality. Actually one could not distinguish in any way the sexual -reaction of this type from that of the perfectly normal woman described -in Chapter 3. - -However, this kind of woman is totally unable to build a relationship -with any man. For that reason she generally becomes, in the end, -sexually promiscuous. Somehow and somewhere along the line a wedge -has been driven between her sexuality and her ability to relate -psychologically in a love relationship. Her sexuality has come to -apparent maturity while her character has remained infantile. We call -this psychic frigidity. - -This type of woman is not, however, to be confused with the nymphomanic -woman, who, in my experience, is generally seriously mentally disturbed -and for that reason is not included in this book. The woman with -psychic frigidity usually has sexual affairs with one man at a time; -her neurosis is usually based on sexual seduction in early childhood. - -The second type is nearly the exact opposite of the psychic type of -frigidity. I call her the all-mother type. She is a distinct anomaly. -In the first place, she is definitely classifiable as sexually frigid; -the degree of her erotic reaction is zero. She is totally anesthetic -sexually. - -Psychologically speaking, however, she exhibits almost the perfect -picture of normalcy. She is happily married, is a very giving and -altruistic person, and is totally loyal and devoted to her husband. She -is, above all, a wonderful mother, willing and able to give the very -best of herself to her children. Her husband is generally happy with -his marriage. We suspect, although there is not sufficient data on this -to say it with certainty, that the mate of the all-mother type has a -rather low-pitched sexual nature and also a rather low storehouse of -normal male vanity, albeit he is a good provider and a steady type. It -is probable that the woman divined his characteristics unconsciously -when she first fell in love with him. - -There is generally little reason why the all-mother type of woman -should seek to change herself in any way. I must emphasize the fact -again and again that the reason frigidity presents a problem that -must be solved is that it has harmful repercussions on the woman -and on those close to her. It causes acute misery to her, causes -personality damage to the children, and tends to destroy her marriage. -The all-mother type of frigidity does none of these things, and I see -no reason, if the woman doesn’t, why she must contemplate changing -herself. However, the matter can be a subtle one, for this type of -woman can, without any awareness of the fact, tend to be overprotective -of her children or tend to have a hard time letting them go from the -nest when that period in their growth has arrived. She should be most -careful, weigh this matter thoroughly, before she decides in any final -sense whether her problem may or may not be having untoward effects of -a concealed nature. - -These, then, are some of the basic facts about the nature of frigidity. -Let us now consider their implications. - - - - -_Chapter 5_ - -THE WAR BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN - - -When one contrasts the normal woman with the frigid woman, certain -questions come to mind at once. Why, for example, _do_ certain women -become frigid? Have millions of women always been this way, or is it a -problem of our times only? Why, if _not_ being frigid is so pleasant, -do some women hold onto this problem though they know they can get help -for it? - -To answer these questions in part or in whole, you will first have to -know a little history. For, though every case of frigidity represents -a psychological problem in the individual, we have found that, -sociologically speaking, frigidity is rooted in certain destructive -events that have occurred to woman in the past two hundred years. If -you grasp them you will begin to get a picture of the over-all problem -that has beset woman, of how she lost her direction, her sense of self, -and what she must do to find them again. - -The history I am going to tell you about is the history of a war, a -bitter and destructive war. It is often called “The War between Men and -Women.” For far too many women and men too--it is still going on. - -It began toward the end of the eighteenth century, and the apparently -innocent event that started it all was the invention of the steam -engine by Watt--the great invention that ushered in the modern age. It -seems hard to believe now that this almost outdated means of creating -power could have been so important, but it was. It launched the -so-called Industrial Revolution, which was to change the whole fabric -of society, our ways of doing things and making things, our living -quarters and our living standards, our morals, religion, art; name it -and you will find that the Industrial Revolution has turned it upside -down and inside out. - -Most of all, and most tragically, it changed the home. It would be more -accurate, if somewhat bleaker, to say that it destroyed the home, at -least as home was known up to that time. - -But let me tell you what home was like before the Industrial -Revolution, for when you see that you will begin to discern the -outlines of the great tragedy that happened to woman when the -old-fashioned family home ceased to exist. - -In that era our society was almost entirely rural and agricultural. -In other words, most homes were farms. There were cities and some -industry, of course, but where industries existed they were almost -entirely home industries run by individual families. - -Home, then, was, almost without exception, the center of all life, -economic, social, and educational. Everything was produced at home; -all food was grown; suits and dresses and underclothing were made from -cloth woven on the premises. There were simply no stores in which to -buy anything. The leather for shoes was taken from the hides of animals -one had reared oneself, and the shoes were made at home, the leather -tanned, the shoes fashioned. A man made his own tools, was his own -blacksmith, carpenter, architect. He built his own house, too, and kept -it in repair. - -Woman’s place in this early family home was indisputably at the very -center, an equal partner with her husband in all the manifold duties, -responsibilities, joys, hopes, and fears of the entire household. Her -work was heavy and constant; she cooked the food her husband had grown, -wove the cloth, fashioned and made the clothes for the entire family. -She cleaned and she swept, washed, and ironed from morning till night. - -Children, as soon as they were old enough, lightened her labors. She -was responsible for their education (public schools had never been -heard of), which was not just a matter of teaching them the three R’s -but of inculcating in them all that she knew of the multitude of arts, -crafts, and techniques it took to run such a home. - -Her reward for all this was the fact that she was needed, loved, held -in the highest esteem by her husband and her whole family. If she -failed in her duties or if she died, it would be not merely a sad or -inconvenient event for the family. It would be a disaster, for the -activities of the distaff side, although different from those of the -male, were of equal importance. - -There were of course no social scientists to ask her probing questions -about her sex life, and we can only know about her indirectly and by -piecing odd patches of information together wherever we may find them. -From what we can gather, even the concept of frigidity in marriage -was unknown to her; love, home, work were a unified and profoundly -satisfying experience on all levels. As a woman she was profoundly -needed, and as a woman reared to respond to this need she had no single -occasion to question her worth or her abilities. - -And then one by one, slowly but surely, her responsibilities and her -duties were removed from her; her close and equal working relationship -with her husband was destroyed; her importance to her children was -diminished sadly. - -The new machines made possible by Watt’s harnessing of steam power -began to take over, to displace all those things that had been done -by hand. Transportation, via the new Iron Horse, developed, and trade -between sections that were once remote from one another was made -possible. A man could make more money than he had ever dreamed of if he -could supply a need of some group or community. - -And so industry in the sense that we know it today started with a rush. -The principle of steam power was applied to the manufacture of goods -with tremendous success. Factories sprang up, and they needed men to -run them. Now husbands who but recently had worked at home, hand in -hand and side by side with their wives, labored outside the home, -developed lives that were independent to some extent of the home’s -activities and concerns. - -The supply of manufactured goods from the factories began to render the -homemaking skills and handicrafts of women unnecessary. As time wore -on and new ideas developed to meet the new conditions created by the -machine, the education of the children passed from the home to a new -institution, the public school. - -It happened slowly, very slowly, over generations, in fact, and the -full results of the Industrial Revolution were not felt until this -century. At first, so gradual was the process that only a few women, -scattered here and there, felt the impact of the change. But as time -passed and the process extended, more and more families were drawn into -the vortex of industrialization, and at length it had changed the lives -of every individual in the land. - -Very slowly, too, but everywhere, women woke as if from a centuries-old -dream of peace and happiness to find themselves dispossessed. Gone -was their central place in the family home, gone their economic -importance, gone their close working partnership with their mate, their -functions of teacher and moral guide to the children. The child himself -was gone, to school, as the husband had gone to the mill or factory. - -Yes, she was dispossessed, dispossessed of all those things that for -centuries had defined her womanhood for her, that had supported her -ego, given her the certain knowledge that being a woman, however hard, -was a wondrous and most desirable thing. She felt her womanhood itself -devalued, the things it represented unwanted. - -And then she reacted. She reacted violently and with rage at this -depreciation of her feminine attributes, of her skills, of her -functions. Unhappily this reaction was precisely the wrong one, the one -from which no solution of a happy kind for her could be attained. - -Here’s what she did. Looking about, she thought she spied a villain -in the piece. Who was it? None other than her partner through the -centuries, man. It was he who had deserted her, who was responsible -for her loss of self-respect as a woman, a mother, an equal socially -and mentally and morally. He despised women. Very well, she would show -him. She would simply stop being a woman. She would enter the lists -and compete with him on his own level. To hell with being a woman. She -would be a man. - -You don’t believe it? It seems too farfetched? Woman as a sex would -never have made such a decision? - -Well, let’s look a little more closely at some of the facts. - -Earlier I mentioned the feminist movement. Now it is time to look at -it in more detail. It was launched by Mary Wollstonecraft in 1792, -less than thirty years after the invention of the steam engine that -ushered in the Industrial Revolution, and it’s power and influence were -and still are enormous. It has been the self-appointed spokesman for -womankind for over one hundred fifty years, and its program of reforms -has been almost entirely realized in every detail. - -What did this movement want to achieve? Let me quote to you what -two profound students of feminism, Ferdinand Lundberg and Marynia -F. Farnham, had to say about it in their book _Modern Women, The -Lost Sex_: “Far from being a movement,” they wrote, “for the greater -self-realization of women, as it professed to be, feminism was the -very negation of femaleness. Although hostile to men and hostile to -children, it was at bottom most hostile to women. It bade women commit -suicide as women and attempt to live as men … Psychologically, -feminism had a single objective: the achievement of maleness by the -female, or the nearest possible approach to it. In so far as it was -attained, it spelled only vast individual suffering for men as well as -women, and much public disorder.” - -What was the program of the feminists? Actually Mary Wollstonecraft -had enunciated it in its entirety in her book, _A Vindication of the -Rights of Women_, and the movement never deviated from her original -demands. She had stated that men and women were, in all fundamental -characteristics, identical, and that therefore women should receive the -same education as men, be governed by the same moral standards, do the -same work, and have identical political rights and duties. Women were -to be treated exactly as men in every detail of living, and the same -demands were to be made on them. - -The appeal of this program was enormous. Nineteenth-century woman -felt: “Ah, if we could only achieve _this_, then we would be happy -once again.” The fact--and it’s a dreadfully simple one--is that now, -indeed, the entire program has been realized and modern woman, having -reaped the benefits of it in full, is more confused, perhaps even -unhappier, than ever. - -Please do not misunderstand me. I am not saying that woman’s lot was -not difficult, often impossible, in the nineteenth century. Nor am -I saying that all of the goals set by the feminists were neurotic -and wrong-headed. The movement indeed helped to overcome some of -the gravest dislocations in social and economic life caused by the -upheavals that followed in the wake of the Industrial Revolution. - -I _am_ saying this: that in so far as the feminist movement pitted -itself against the male, and at the same time advised woman to -masculinize herself or divest herself of her feminine nature, it was -dreadfully neurotic, and we have been reaping the whirlwind this -movement started ever since. - -The rage of the feminist was directed against herself. - -We know, for example, that to fulfill herself biologically--that is, to -give birth to children--a woman must have security, the protection of -the male, a permanent abode. Marriage has been society’s answer to this -feminine need from time immemorial. But the feminists pitted themselves -against the institution of marriage. Woman, they held, had the right, -even as men did, to be promiscuous sexually, to live with whom she -pleased, for as long or as short a time as she pleased. If she wished -to get married she should be able to do so, but she should also have -the privilege of terminating this marriage when she wished to, when she -tired of it. - -We know, too, that maternal love for children, particularly love of -her own children, is one of the major traits of womankind, as typical -of her as her female anatomy. We know that only the very sickest -women, mentally, will desert or neglect their children. Maternality -is so deeply rooted in the biology of the female sex that its fierce -protectiveness can be observed in many animals. - -Maternality is a trap, said the feminists in effect, a bill of goods -sold to women by men in order to keep them enslaved. Children should -not be allowed in any way to interfere with the new freedom of women. -Work, advised the feminists, right up to the last day of pregnancy. -Then, mothers, get back to work as soon as possible. Put your child in -the hands of some trained child handler or handlers. Public nurseries -were advocated, pre-kindergarten groups were advocated; anything that -“freed” the mother was advocated. - -Freed the mother for what? you may well ask. To work in offices and -factories as the men did, of course. To substitute boss for husband, to -share the “privilege” of being hired or fired; to be, in short, men. - -If space allowed I could continue with a long and circumstantial list -of masculine goals which the feminists advocated. And I could give an -equally long list of goals which ignored or denied the existence of -feminine characteristics in womankind. Very few of the early feminists -actually lived in the manner they prescribed. But it was as clear as -crystal that they ardently desired to. - -But here is the important thing to remember: The feminist credo -thoroughly discredited truly feminine needs and characteristics -and substituted male goals for female goals. There weren’t so many -feminists in actual numbers, but those there were, were incredibly -vocal, and in the end their ideals and beliefs became the ideals and -beliefs of millions of women. - -But the feminist front was not the only front in this war between -men and women; it was only the loudest and most militant. Unnoted, -hidden, unknown even to the women themselves, the war against feminine -sexuality, against the flowering of true womanhood, was being waged -in every home in the land. The chaste and prim-lipped heroine of this -front was Victorian woman, whom we already have had a look at. Let’s -take another quick one. - -Her reaction to the loss of her position in the highly creative family -home which had preceded the Industrial Revolution was just as violent -as that of the feminist. But it was thoroughly unconscious. She had -been rejected, her place taken from her, her sexual and maternal -functions devalued. Very well. She had a perfectly good technique for -dealing with the situation. - -She simply denied the very existence of female sexuality. Sex, -according to her, was exclusively a male characteristic; woman had none -of it in her nature. Although this was a form of psychological revenge -on the “rejecting” male, she was amazingly successful in convincing men -in general, even the scientists of the day, that frigidity was indeed a -basic attribute of the female. - -Victorian woman was, of course, unconscious of her motives in affirming -that she was biologically frigid. She entirely believed it herself, -and there is much evidence to indicate that the individual woman was -generally deeply shocked if she discovered she was not as unresponsive -as she had been taught she was or wished to be. She kept any such -reactions a very dark secret indeed. - -Frigidity as an article of female faith died with the Victorian -woman--a happy and mercifully early death during World War I. But the -influence of Victorianism is still very much with us in our unconscious -attitude toward sex and love. - -This, then, is the heritage of woman today: On the one hand, from -Victorian woman, a profound belief that she is and should be -non-sexual, frigid, by natural law. On the other hand, from the -feminists, that man is woman’s natural enemy, that she should drop her -femininity altogether, oppose man, supersede him, become him. - -Please stop for a moment now to think what effect either of these two -attitudes must have had on the marital life of a woman who held one -of them. Her hostility to her husband and all the misery such hatred -implies, we take for granted. But it was the effect on the children -that was decisive. - -I have treated, as I have told you, several women who had been raised -by Victorian or feminist mothers. The attitudes inculcated into these -patients in their childhood would make one’s hair stand on end. Or -it should. This is what they learned at their mother’s knee: Shame -about their bodies; shame about menstruation, and disgust with it, -hatred of it, for it is a hallmark of womanhood; fear of pregnancy -and childbirth; punishment for early and natural sexual feelings and -experimentation; destruction and depreciation of the father as an ideal -image for the child to love or to emulate. In general, women learned -early and well to loathe their womanhood in all of its important -manifestations. - -Can you begin to see why most psychiatrists passionately agree with -Dr. Marynia Farnham when she writes: “The most precise expression of -unhappiness is neurosis. The bases for most of this unhappiness … are -laid in the childhood home. The principal instrument of their creation -are women”. - -You may perhaps have noticed that I have coupled our feminist with -our Victorian woman, and you may object that they really shouldn’t be -spoken of in the same breath. The feminists were, after all, for more -and more sexual freedom; Victorian woman was anti-sexual. I feel that -that is only superficially true. They were both, in their unconscious -lives, against feminine sexuality. It is not possible for woman to -be masculine sexually; to advocate that for her is exactly equal to -demanding that she be frigid. - -Of course feminism, as a conscious attitude toward sexuality, -ultimately triumphed over Victorianism. Sexual freedom and all the -other equal rights with men demanded for women by the feminists after -World War I became the order of the day. - -The flapper of the 1920’s represented the unintended flower of the -feminist philosophy of life, its definition of what constituted -womanhood. As we know, the flapper was a caricature of woman, a cheap -and shoddy imitation of the opposite sex, a second-class man. Happily, -she did not survive as a conscious national ideal, but the philosophy -that created her _did_ survive. The depreciation of the goals of -femininity, biological and psychological, became part and parcel of -the education of millions of American girls. Homemaking, childbearing -and rearing, cooking, the virtues of patience, lovingness, givingness -in marriage have been systematically devalued. The life of male -achievement has been substituted for the life of female achievement. - -The feminist-Victorian antagonism toward men has survived too. It -has been handed down from mother to daughter in an unbroken line for -so many years now that, to millions of women, hostility toward the -opposite sex seems almost a natural law. Though many a modern woman may -pay lip service to the ideal of a passionate and productive marriage to -a man, underneath she deeply resents her role, conceives of the male as -fundamentally hostile to her, as an exploiter of her. She wishes in her -deepest heart, and often without the slightest awareness of the fact, -to supplant him, to exchange roles with him. She learned this attitude -at her mother’s knee or imbibed it with her formula. Little that she -learns elsewhere counteracts it with any great effectiveness. - -Clearly, then, if this is the historical direction women have taken, -the individual woman who wishes to become a real woman must change -this direction. This she can do only by taking thought, long thought. -For among the women around her she will not necessarily find too much -support for her wish to be entirely feminine. - -For one hundred fifty years now women have blamed their problems on the -outside world. They have used the very real difficulties created by -revolutionary social changes to avoid the task of looking within for -the real problem and the real solution. They have indulged in an orgy -of finger-pointing and self-pity. - -If the results had been different; if this attitude had brought them -happiness and fulfillment, if feminism and Victorianism had made -them good mothers and joyful wives, or even pleased them with their -new place in industry, the game might have been worth the candle. -But it hasn’t been. The game has brought frigidity and restlessness -and a soaring divorce rate, neurosis, homosexuality, juvenile -delinquency--all that results when the woman in _any_ society deserts -her true function. - -Last year a woman came to see me at the request of a lawyer she had -consulted. She was on the verge of divorce, she told me. And then, her -face distorted with rage, she said of her husband: “He will have to -come crawling to me on his hands and knees before I will even think of -forgiving him.” - -I questioned her and soon elicited the fact that she had been totally -frigid from the first time she had had intercourse with her husband. -Yet consciously she felt blameless in the difficulties that had arisen, -self-righteous, indignant that her husband should find her anything -but eminently desirable after five years of joyless love-making. With -such an attitude, of course, she could never have made the slightest -headway against her underlying problem, so, as I sometimes do, I -told her in detail the history I have told you in this chapter. She -listened, at first with hostility and then with the growing shock of -self-recognition. Just by listening she developed a genuine concern -for the very first time about her whole attitude. She left that session -with an avowed intent to look more deeply and more thoroughly into -the whole matter and to reshape her values. There was no more talk of -divorce from her; just hard work on her real problem, and success, -finally, in dislodging the cause of it. - -Seeing one’s own responsibility in a situation is often difficult. -However, in this problem of frigidity, not to take the blame is even -more difficult. It means--and has meant for millions--that one almost -literally commits sexual suicide, embraces emotional isolationism as -the proper condition for womankind. - - - - -Chapter 6 - -WHY WOMEN CAN BECOME FRIGID - - -Some time ago a young husband sat in my office. His wife had come to -me for help for a frigidity problem, and after the first session he -had asked her if he might see me. I take that to be a good omen for a -relationship, generally, and I was not disappointed when I met him. He -told me very quickly that he did not care how long it might take for -his wife to get over her difficulty. “I’d stay with her even if she -didn’t,” he said in a low voice. “I don’t love her problem, but I love -her and I want you to know that I didn’t marry her for better only but -for worse as well.” - -No matter how much a psychiatrist hears about love, its difficulties -and its triumphs, a statement like that always moves one, makes one -feel that tasks and difficulties have been somehow lightened. In short, -I liked him, and this moved me to ask him about himself. “That’s what I -came to tell you about,” he said. “There’s something I thought just may -be of some help.” - -What he wanted to tell me was the amazing similarity between his -background and his wife’s, and as he talked on I could see some of -the reasons for his broad sympathy with her problem. They were both -children of farm people and had been reared in the strictest of Puritan -disciplines. They were both the oldest children, and each had had two -brothers and a sister. Their mothers had hated and feared sexuality -and had communicated quite freely to the children their feeling that -it was dirty and wicked. The fathers had been punitive on the one hand -and withdrawn on the other. This young man had broken away from home -as early as possible and so had his wife. They had come to the city, -gotten jobs in the same business, and here they had met. - -I will take leave of our young husband now because the above facts -illustrate the question I want you to ask yourself. However, in case -some of my warmth toward him has come over to you, I can tell you that -his marriage had a most happy outcome. His wife, motivated strongly, -I am sure, by the sense of security his love gave her, was able to -resolve her frigidity and the other neurotic problems which invariably -accompany it. - -But to the question: With almost identical backgrounds, why had the -wife developed a rather severe frigidity problem and the husband -remained perfectly normal sexually? - -If you wish to extend that question you may ask yourself: Why is -frigidity so widespread among women and sexual impotency so rare among -men? We saw that under the adverse conditions caused by the Industrial -Revolution women could, by the millions, abandon sexual gratification, -convince the world and themselves that, biologically speaking, they -were asexual beings. There was never the faintest suspicion that man, -on the other hand, would or could abandon his sexual nature, no matter -how difficult the going became. Men might develop neuroses, they might -even take odd sexual directions, develop perversions, if their parents -were sufficiently neurotic. But abandon sexual gratification en masse, -they could not. - -I think we now understand the answer to this problem, and I think -it will be helpful for you to learn what we know about it. You -will be able to see why the problem of frigidity is so basically -_psychological_ in nature, for one thing, and therefore why, when a -woman’s chief complaint is frigidity, we feel that if she really means -business she can get over it. - -There are three major reasons why frigidity can develop in women. I am -going to treat two of them here and reserve one of them for the next -chapter. - - -_The Sexual Drive in Women_ - -A lovely actress I was treating for a rather severe frigidity problem -came for her regular hour one day and paused on the threshold of my -office. She appeared different--her face was softer, her motions -slower--she was elated, and I felt at once that she had experienced the -first reward for the hard work she had put upon her problem. - -I was right and shall never forget her method of telling it. She had -on a lovely pink cape; its flowing lines and delicate color seemed to -express the very essence of the feminine. As she stood smiling at me -she unbuttoned the cape and with a beautiful gesture threw it on the -floor between us. “Thus we can cast it away,” she said. Then, stooping, -she picked it up. “And _thus_,” she said, “we can put it on again,” -and with a flourish she put it back on her shoulders. That hour was a -celebration of her new-found capacity. - -Her histrionic gesture, expressive of so much happiness in her, was -not only graceful but was deeply symbolic of woman’s sexual nature. To -see why this is so, let us first turn our attention to the biological -meaning of the sexual drive. - -You perhaps know that every animal is motivated by a profound -instinctual need to preserve his species. His nature has developed -those characteristics that ensure the ongoingness of his kind, -lemmings excepted, perhaps. We know that characteristics that _do_ -ensure the species are, so to speak, more deeply rooted in the biology -of a given animal than characteristics that are not absolutely -necessary to the preservation of a species. - -Now, in the human animal and in many other species, sexual intercourse -is the basic method by which the species is continued. In this -elemental instinctual activity the male deposits his sperm in the -receptive female, who then, within her body, nurtures and protects it -until it is ready for birth. - -But here’s the important point: In order to deposit his sperm, the male -_must have an orgasm_. If he did not, the sperm could not be deposited -inside the female. Thus the male orgasm is absolutely necessary to the -continuation of the species. If the male had ever lost his ability to -have an orgasm the species would have disappeared from the face of the -earth. - -However, it is not a biological _necessity_ for woman to have an orgasm -to fulfill her sexual role. It is only necessary for her to receive the -sperm. The mere reception of it, no matter how unresponsive she may be -to the ardors of the male, fully discharges her duty to the species of -mankind. Maternity, not orgasm, is her biological duty. She can be as -frigid as the polar cap and it will not necessarily affect her ability -to have children in the slightest degree. - -Can you see the implications? One of my colleagues summed up the -difference in this way: “To express it in a purely biological sense, -the male orgasm is a necessity. The female orgasm is a luxury.” This -“necessary” aspect of the male orgasm explains why men, no matter how -deeply disturbing their childhood experiences may be, rarely lose their -ability to have an orgasm and why women so frequently do. - -Please do not misunderstand me, however. I am _not_ saying that the -orgasm a woman has, when she is able to achieve it, is any less -intense than a man’s. Nor am I saying that it is not necessary to her -psychological well-being, to her maturity, to be able to achieve it. - -I _am_ saying that a woman’s ability to have an orgasm is far more -subject to outside influences than a man’s ability. It is in many ways -more subject to the psychological experiences, the mental and moral -traumas of growing up. Compare the female orgasm to a shallowly rooted -tree which the wind may blow down more easily than its deeply rooted -brother, it is still a tree, however, and if it can be sheltered and -protected from storms that are too severe it can flower as beautifully -as any other. - -The fact that frigidity is so psychological, so subject to the mind, -gives it almost a “willful” character. It is often as if a woman had -“chosen” to be frigid in a very real sense. I don’t mean consciously -chosen to be, generally speaking. It’s an unconscious choice. But -the fact that it has that element of choosing in it often makes it a -poignant condition indeed. - -I know one case where the “choice” was, in part at least, conscious, -and I am going to tell it briefly to emphasize my point, the fact that -frigidity has a very high element of the mental as opposed to the -biological. - -Years ago, on a vacation with my husband, I met an older woman with -whom, until her death, I had a very close and highly valued friendship. -She was a wonderful woman. She was a doctor, but this had not prevented -her from having five children of her own, two of whom have since become -quite famous. - -One day, after our friendship had deepened and we had begun to exchange -confidences, she told me the following story. She had been deeply in -love with her husband but had been totally frigid. This had not seemed -strange at the time; she had been married in 1904, and the traditions -of Victorianism were still very much adhered to. However, after the -birth of her third child she began to experience some feelings of -pleasure during intercourse, and these gradually increased. At this -point she had her fourth child, and intercourse was interrupted for -two or three months. When it was resumed her feelings of pleasure had -increased enormously and on the second time she had a profound orgasm. - -But she was not, like my actress, delighted with the new horizons the -experience opened up for her. She was very consciously frightened and -very consciously ashamed. All her background and training had been -against it. She consciously decided never to let the experience repeat -itself. She was entirely successful in her resolution, she told me. -Unlike my actress, she threw off the lovely pink cloak of her feminine -potentiality and never donned it again. Her husband had died after the -birth of their last child, and it was not until a few years afterward, -with the new information science had developed on the subject, that she -realized the tragedy of her decision. - -It’s a poignant story, but I have not told it for that reason. I have -told it because it illustrates very clearly how subject to the mind, to -outside cultural and moral influences, feminine sexuality can be. If a -grown woman can choose to destroy her mature and flowering sexuality -at the height of its strength, just think of the fragility of this -sexuality in the bud. - - -_The Fear of Motherhood_ - -On the whole, women will face anything to achieve motherhood. Recently -a woman of thirty-five came to my office. She had called me twice to -make appointments and twice broken them at the last moment. When this -happens a psychiatrist will generally assume that the patient has -become frightened of her decision to face up to whatever problem is -troubling her and has gone into a last-minute flight. I had assumed -that about this patient and had expected, if I ever did see her, to -encounter a reticent, scared, perhaps terrified person. - -Instead the person who sat opposite me was a very pretty woman of -thirty-five, well dressed, clear-eyed, and straightforward. She came -right to the point. - -“I’m here because I’m terrified of having children,” she told me. “I -must find out what’s at the root of my fear.” - -“Was your fear the reason you canceled the two appointments?” I asked -sympathetically. - -“Oh no,” she answered quickly, “the children were ill. We’ve had flu -for a month. First one came down and then another.” - -“Children?” I asked in puzzlement. “What children?” - -“Mine, of course,” she said. - -“How many do you have?” I asked. - -“Four,” she said, “but John and I want six and I thought … ” She -paused; then, catching my smile, she looked down at the floor for a -moment and back at me, and then we both burst into laughter. - -She did have a fear of childbirth, however, dating from certain -traumatic experiences in her childhood, and we were able to resolve it. -It was a marked fear, but the important point is that even with it she -had gone right on and had four children. - -The maternal instinct is as deep and as ineradicable in women as the -instinct to plant the seed of his species is in man. They both subserve -the same ends, the continuation of the race, and even if a woman’s -childhood is sown with neurotic fears by unhappy parents--yes, even -neurotic fears of childbirth--her desire to have children of her own -will, in by far the majority of cases, survive relatively intact. - -Thank heavens this is so. For the bearing and rearing of children are -the beautiful destiny toward which a woman’s whole body and personality -point from earliest childhood on. If this profound goal cannot be -achieved, the result is far too often a shriveling of the personality -of the individual. - -Thank heavens this is so, too, for the good of the race. I thought one -of my colleagues expressed the whole thing very neatly in a paper given -to a private psychiatric group recently. “If the feminists had been -able to injure the maternal instinct of nineteenth-century woman to the -same degree that they injured her sexual instinct, the Western world -would by now be well on its way to being depopulated.” - -No, the maternal instinct cannot be fundamentally affected by adverse -circumstances. However, the proper handling of information about the -maternal instinct by a mother is very important to the proper sexual -development of her daughter. Misunderstandings about maternity and what -it means can scare a young child badly--so badly, in fact, that fear of -it can be a direct cause of later frigidity. - -Here’s why the maternal instinct can cause trouble to a young girl’s -developing sexuality. Most women know this, even if they have never -phrased it in this manner. - -To gratify the maternal instinct a woman has to put her very life right -on the line. In a real sense she has to be willing to say, and to keep -on saying: “I am willing and ready to die for the sake of or the safety -of my child.” - -I’m not only speaking of the now very slim chance that she might die in -childbirth, though I should like to point out that until very recently -that possibility had to be faced by every mother-to-be. And the -enormously high mortality rate in childbirth throughout history and in -every civilization shows very clearly that women _were_ willing to face -death to have their child. They have not changed. - -What I mean more directly, however, is the fact that the maternal -instinct demands of the woman in every situation an ever-readiness to -put her child before herself, before her safety, before her personal -needs, before everything. - -Just yesterday I read of a woman who had saved two of her children -from their burning home. The place had gone up like tinder and she had -snatched them up, one seven and one ten, and, holding them under her -arms, brought them to safety down a flaming stairway. She had thought -her twelve-year-old had gotten out by himself but then discovered that -he had not. She started back at once, without a moment’s hesitation, to -rescue him, but the building was now on the point of collapse and she -was restrained by several firemen. However, so powerful was her drive -to save her child that she broke away from their grasp and entered the -building. - -She found him, too, on the kitchen floor, overcome by smoke, and -somehow got him to the front hall and out. She was badly burned, though -she will live. But the child was all right; the child was all right! -_That_ was all that mattered. - -And it is all that matters to every mother, unless, of course, she is -dreadfully ill mentally--psychotic, in fact. - -Just think of it; this aspect of the maternal instinct is more powerful -than the instinct for self-preservation, which is known to be one of -the basic instincts of all life. It supersedes self-preservation, -annuls it; there are no reservations about it. It will never whisper: -“You’ve done all you can; three powerful men are holding you down and -you can’t get to him anyway.” It will fight powerfully and to the very -end for the mother’s right her indomitable need, to save her child. - -Of course most mothers never have to face physically dangerous -situations for their children. In most lives the way this aspect of the -mother instinct expresses itself is in everyday sacrifices. Mothers -give up (and, in the healthy woman, with pleasure, by preference) their -time, intellectual pursuits, careers, first to have the child and then -to see him safely to maturity. Everything else a woman could call her -own becomes secondary to this impulse in the maternal woman. As you saw -in the normal woman, there are checks and balances within the female -personality which prevent her from making a psychological martyr of -herself to the point where she would be a _detriment_ to her children, -but at this time I should like to make a different point. - -I have said that the maternal instinct is more powerful than the -instinct for self-preservation. I ask you to imagine for a moment how -easily this characteristic of women could frighten a young girl if the -experience of pregnancy or the role of the mother is presented to her -in an improper way. She will react with acute anxiety, fear, rather -than with joyful anticipation. This anxiety will color in dark hues -though will not overwhelm her desire and determination to have babies. -It _will_ tend to take all the pleasure out of her sex life, however; -it _will_ tend strongly to make her frigid. And it will tend to make -her a less effective mother, even a very poor one indeed. - -The biological role of woman is motherhood. If a woman cannot dare to -accept this aspect of her destiny, she will be deeply defeated in her -life. From any standpoint one wishes to look at the maternal role, it -is a great and beautiful one, embodying in it and giving expression to -qualities that are universally admired and cultivated: nobility, the -sacrifice of self, fortitude, love that passeth understanding. - -The depreciation of motherhood in any sense whatsoever in the mind -of a young girl is a crime against her if one is in a position to -be influential with her. To fill her with fears, misunderstandings, -resentments of and reservations about her historic role is to cut -her off from full flowering as a woman. The ability of woman to have -an orgasm, her deepest form of relatedness to man, is planted rather -lightly in biological soil, as we saw in the first section of this -chapter. This ability is tightly interwoven with her psychological -experiences at every stage of her development, and the quickest and -most effective way to force her into frigidity is to teach her to be -frightened of the maternal aspects of her personality. - -We saw how well womankind functioned before the Industrial Revolution -as an equal partner with her husband in the family home. Her -experiences were fully satisfying to her body and mind because her role -was recognized at its true value; she was needed, rewarded, depended -upon, universally admired. When she lost her role and, in agony, -mistakenly turned to feminism to find a new definition of self, or to -Victorianism, she found only ashes, a depreciation of all those things -that made her a woman; she found, and adopted, values that turned her -against her feminine self, her maternal self, her passionate self. -Scorn for true femininity was what she found and, tragically, she took -this attitude for her own. - -If woman is to find true happiness once again, she must return to her -real and joyful self. She must relearn that surrender to her biological -destiny is not a trap, not a condition of slavery to her uterus, of -exploitation by man and nature, but rather a wonderful and privileged -condition. - -I should like to give the contents of a letter that came into my hands -recently. I consider it a beautiful letter. It describes in a very -simple way the reactions of a woman who had been caught in a maze of -misunderstanding and fear but who had found her way out, had learned -the power and joy she could receive by surrendering to her true destiny. - -This letter was written by a young woman who had just become pregnant. -Six months before, sick with anguish at her joyless marriage, unable -to enjoy any aspect of her sexual relationship because of a constant -and acute fear of becoming pregnant, she had consulted the pastor of -her church, having heard that her church had psychiatric services. The -pastor had gained her admission to a group-therapy project run by a -psychologist. The group was made up of women who had encountered some -difficulty in their lives with their husbands and children. - -The patient had attended the group for four months and then had had -to leave, for her husband’s job had been transferred to another part -of the state. The letter, sent to members of the group, arrived three -months after her departure. I have received special permission from -this ex-patient to reproduce this letter on the understanding that the -names originally mentioned in it be changed. - - _Dear, dear Friends_: - - I will leave out all the details of our move here except to say that - we are all settled down and in our wonderful new home. Anyway, I can’t - wait to tell you that I am going to have a baby. It is a constant - astonishment to me, for it is so different from my expectations. It - all happened so easily. I don’t quite know how, but my fears and - worries have left completely. I didn’t know life could be like this. I - must be a new person. If the doctor hadn’t told me to stay relatively - quiet I would be dancing in the streets. Sam says I sound like a - honeymooner, but he’s really delighted. To think what I have deprived - both of us of because of a lot of nonsense! - - The strangest thing is that I can’t remember the things I used to talk - about in the group. I wonder if this happens to everybody. I keep - asking myself: What was so painful? What was it that made me always - angry with Sam? And I’ve found a new deep love for my mother. I am not - angry with her, only sorry that she had to miss so much. You probably - won’t remember, but when I asked my mother how she had felt when she - was pregnant she had said quite sharply to me: “Put such thoughts out - of your mind. You’re young, so enjoy yourself. You’ll know all about - it soon enough, too soon.” The reply seemed so ominous and foreboding - to me. Plus the fact that she was constantly complaining about all - things female. I guess I had picked up her attitude in toto without - realizing it, until I aired the effects on me for the first time with - all of you. - - I tell you this so that you will know the fears _do_ go when you are - able to get them out and see them for what they are. I love you all, - and I am deeply grateful to you, and I shall never, never forget the - help my talk with all of you has given me. - - _With love and deep gratitude_, - MARGARET - - - - -Chapter 7 - -ANATOMY AND DESTINY - - -We have seen two important reasons why women can, in the course of -growing up, be deflected from true sexual maturity. Let us now look at -a third, and equally important, reason. - -I have already described the so-called clitoridal woman to you, but now -I must tell you more about the implications of her problem. You will -remember that in the female genitalia both the clitoris and the vagina -are capable of experiencing orgasm. This fact is of decisive importance -to the problem of frigidity in women. - -Why? It means, in effect, _that women have two distinct sexual -organs, both capable of bringing her release from sexual tension_. -In the unconscious sense many women can “choose” one type of sexual -satisfaction in preference to another. This ability to choose often -spells disaster, for one of these methods of gratification represents -immaturity and is allied to neurosis. - -A man has only one organ: his penis. He has been given no anatomical -alternative. If, as happens in relatively rare cases, upsetting early -experiences cause him to block off his sexual feelings, he simply -becomes impotent. He will experience this impotency as a tremendous and -tragic deprivation and will be powerfully motivated to overcome it. -Those who have witnessed the sufferings of a man with such a problem -will know just how powerful his drive back to health is. - -The mature female’s orgasm takes place within the vagina; the fact that -a woman can experience this kind of orgasm generally marks her as a -fully developed woman in all aspects of her personality. - -The clitoral orgasm takes place on the clitoris only. It excludes -the vagina from sensual participation and it is often independent of -the male penis. This kind of orgasm is possible at an early stage in -female development. If, in growing up, the young girl becomes for any -number of reasons frightened of mature vaginal sexuality, she can -block that pathway and keep it blocked permanently without consciously -experiencing any strong feelings of being deprived. She can do this -because she is already having, as far as she knows, an amply satisfying -experience through her clitoral orgasm. Since she has never experienced -true sexual awakening, she doesn’t know what she is missing, -consequently she doesn’t miss it. - -You can see then that the woman who is able to have only a clitoral -orgasm has no very strong motive for moving on to the next stage of -sexual development. Her developing sexuality is channeled off into a -sensual cul-de-sac and there, unless valiant and very conscious steps -are taken, it tends to remain. As the early years of development move -on into adolescence and further, the direction of her sexuality will -not change, for she feels no reason to change it. Indeed the channel -grows deeper, the earlier method of sexual response more ingrained. In -the end she can respond in no other way. - -Since such a woman is not advancing sexually she tends, too, to remain -static emotionally. If her psychological fears of real womanhood are -not resolved, she now begins to build up defenses of her childish -emotional needs and of her childish methods of sexual gratification. -By the time she is ready, in terms of her age, for marriage, she may -very well have a full-blown neurosis that militates gravely against the -success of any close relationship. - -This then, is how, biology can represent destiny, with a helping hand -from psychology. In a very real sense this dual potentiality of woman’s -anatomy contains the seeds of sexual and hence personal tragedy. - -Remember that the woman whose orgasm is confined to the clitoris is -definitely frigid. Statistics on the prevalence of this kind of sexual -problem are not available, but most psychiatrists and psychoanalysts -agree that it is very widespread, may even be the dominant form of -frigidity in our society. - -Unhappily many women who suffer from this form of frigidity have -not been helped in the past several years by widely published and -thoroughly erroneous views concerning sexual behavior in the human -female. The Kinsey report, above all, has erred in this respect. It -makes no differentiation between vaginal and clitoral orgasm. Indeed -its authors passionately defend the view that all orgasm is clitoral. -How trained observers could come to this conclusion, it is difficult to -say. The great observers in the field of human sexuality in the past -fifty years have been in the field of psychiatry. They have been and -are unanimous in their observation on the difference between clitoral -and vaginal orgasm and its importance to personality development and to -neurosis. The fact that the Kinsey report ignores this important and -well-established fact about the female sex and, even worse, defends the -opposite viewpoint simply invalidates, from psychiatry’s viewpoint, -many of its basic findings about orgasm. - -The sad thing, however, is that the Kinsey report is often used to -bolster the neurotically defensive attitude of women who are able -to achieve only clitoral orgasm. They can say to themselves that -their method of gratification is perfectly normal; do they not have -a tremendous body of “scientific” data to support their view? And -somehow or other women with this difficulty do get hold of the Kinsey -“results.” I myself have had several women suffering from the kind of -problem I have just described quote Kinsey to me at some length in -defense of their method of gratification. And, having checked with -several of my colleagues, I find that they all report many similar -experiences. - -This is unfortunate. Women who suffer from any other form of frigidity -are frequently motivated to face up to their problem by feelings of -sexual frustration. Sooner or later, driven by natural hungers, they -will take steps to throw off the yoke of their difficulty. - -The woman who is able to have a clitoral orgasm, however, has no such -strong motivation. She can ruin her life and never be the wiser, never -realize the reason why. - -I strongly advise, therefore, that such women be more than usually wary -about their tendency to be complacent, more than usually insistent -about finding a way out of their dilemma; above all, they must -recognize their life situation _as_ a dilemma, a serious one that can -far too easily be rationalized. - -At this point, then, I wish to emphasize once more the role of woman’s -responsibility in this matter of sexual response. There is often a -stronger-than-usual underlying irrational fear in clitoridal women -which makes them hesitate, even when they have admitted their problem, -to face up to it in any effective way. I wish therefore to reiterate -the point that nobody who suffers from this problem should feel shame -or blame for it. You did not choose in any conscious sense to remain -on this earlier and less “dangerous” plane of sexual development. Your -body made the choice, if you will, but you had nothing to say about -that. The strange dual sexuality of woman is at the base of the matter. -It all happened because you misunderstood or misinterpreted certain -early experiences. Or a grown-up responsible for your very early -training was ignorant or misinformed. - -But now it will be the better part of wisdom and valor for you to face -up to the fact that your method of gratification is an expression of -immaturity, even if that immaturity was forced upon you when you were -too young to know the difference. Don’t subside into feelings of guilt -and inferiority about the problem. Remember that you are not alone. -There are probably millions of women who have the same problem. You can -be one who achieves the joys that lie just beyond this. They are real -and solid joys, and they contain none of the terrors you had thought -they contained. Not one. - -One of the things I have found helpful in motivating a woman with a -clitoridal problem is to face her with its effect on her husband. Women -with this fixation have a curious inability to see these effects or to -face up to them realistically. I have found that even when such women -know that their form of gratification is infantile and expressive of -neurosis they insist that their husbands not only do not mind the -manual manipulation necessary to bring them to climax but actually -prefer this method of sexual contact to intercourse. - -Such has never been the case in my years of clinical experience. -Husbands mind very much indeed. - -Here, very recently, is what one husband, whose wife has been able to -move on from her clitoral fixation, told me: “I feel like a man again. -No matter what anybody says, your wife’s response is the most important -thing, and it’s got to be a response _in_ intercourse. If she doesn’t -respond that way, you gradually lose faith in yourself and then you -lose interest in making love.” - -Another man, whose wife has just come to me and who has never been -able to have an orgasm except clitorally, recently said: “I may sound -unsympathetic and petty, but if I felt there was no end in sight to -this kid stuff, I mean this form of having to stroke endlessly, I think -I’d give up on the sex part. It’s lost all its fun.” - -He’ll get his fun back, for his wife, knowing a lot more than she did -when she started, is very intent on helping herself. And the husband is -_not_ unsympathetic or petty in his complaints. He is simply human, and -there’s a limit to human endurance. - -The wife’s denial that the husband is bothered by a clitoridal problem, -I have found, is based on a deeper fear--the fear that the marriage is -being endangered by her problem. Both of the women mentioned above (and -many others I have treated) finally admitted that they had come for -help because of their fear that their marriage was headed for trouble, -that their husbands were close to leaving them. The fact is, though, -that many men seem to have a very high tolerance for this problem in -their wives. I have yet to find any man who has broken up his marriage -for that reason. Indeed both the men I have quoted above had reassured -me that they could and would go on taking their frustrations. They just -strongly preferred not to. - -No, the danger is not from the husband. Real men rarely leave women -for that reason. The danger is from the woman herself. She it is who, -because of her immaturity, will do the rejecting rather than face her -problem. The real danger is that she will force the man away from her -without even realizing that she has done so. - -You begin to see, then, that the chief characteristic of women with -this type of problem is evasiveness, hiding from the facts. It is as -if they feared what they would find out if they faced up to things. I -can only tell them that they are not going to find out a thing that is -really frightening, not a thing that they cannot handle. - -And I should like to put the mind of all such women to rest on one -particular point I cannot count the number of times that women with -a clitoridal problem have asked me whether I believed that, just -under the surface, they had a homosexual problem or at least strong -homosexual inclinations. The answer is invariably no. - -Let me give you an example of one such typical case. Not long ago a -young nurse came to see me. She was extremely upset and wept copiously -before she could bring herself to tell me her problem. She had been -married for about a year and had found that she could not have an -orgasm during intercourse. It was necessary for her husband to -manipulate her clitoris for a rather extended period of time before -she could come to a climax. After she told me this she remained silent -for a long time. Then she burst out with it. “Doctor, I think I’m -homosexual.” - -“Why?” I asked. - -“Well, I had this dream, and I was hugging the head nurse in the -hospital and I felt very warm and good inside.” - -“Any other damning evidence?” I asked. - -Now she really blushed. She hung her head, and one could hardly keep -from going over and patting her head and saying there, there. “Yes,” -she said. “When I was twelve. With this other girl. We used to, used -to … ” Words failed her. - -“Play with each other sexually?” I asked as gently as possible. - -She looked at me, wide-eyed and said, “Yes,” nodding tragically. - -She had had no repetition of the experience since she had really grown -up, and I was able to set her mind completely at rest on that matter. -She was not at all homosexual. That symptom is a very severe one, of -course, and not always amenable to treatment. It always implies that -the woman prefers women to men; she falls in love with objects of the -same sex. She has no conscious interest in men sexually. - -Our little nurse’s “homosexual” dream simply meant that she was having -a disturbing time with her husband sexually and wanted a “mother image” -to protect her from her difficulties, help her through them. She got -one in me, of course, and her need for such a mother was probably why -she selected a woman psychiatrist in the first place. - -Her early sexual play with another little girl is perfectly normal. Not -all children indulge in this kind of play, but many do, and unless it -continues into adolescence it is generally harmless. - -The reasons behind this delusion of homosexuality are complex. They -lie in an early confusion of the clitoris with the male penis, as I -will illustrate later. But you may be certain of one thing--you are -not going to discover that your problem is based on homosexuality as -it appears in the difficulty called “lesbianism.” To hold onto such -mistaken conceptions is to frighten oneself with self-told ghost -stories after the fashion of young children. - -I wish here to cover just one more attribute of the woman whose sexual -feelings have become fixed on her clitoris, one which, if she is -forewarned, she will and should be suspicious of. It is the tendency to -look for solutions for her problem in directions where no solutions lie. - -I have treated women who have tried everything under the sun in their -search for an easy resolution of their clitoridal problem--drugs, -surgery, even yoga. One of the most widely used evasions can be found -(and how often it is!) in the many popular manuals written, ostensibly, -to tell one how to achieve a happy marriage. Such books, for the most -part published in all good faith, almost invariably counsel married -partners to diversify their sexual positions during intercourse. Many -of these books contain illustrations to drive their lesson home. - -There is nothing wrong with this advice in and of itself. Anybody -with a modicum of experience knows that variety is one of the finest -spices of love. The books generally, if not always, neglect to say, -however, that such variety is only relevant to a sex life in which the -partners have no deep-seated sexual problem to start with. By omitting -that piece of information these books give the strong tacit impression -that variety of sexual position will solve an already well-established -sexual difficulty. - -The desperate woman will seize upon these implications as upon a -panacea for her ills. I must state here that all of the innumerable -positions of love described in the Hindu Kamasutra (from which so -many of our marriage manuals, incidentally, derive much of their -information) will not undo a clitoral fixation. A woman is asking for -just one more emotional defeat if she insists that a solution lies in -this direction. - - * * * * * - -We have now seen the three things that make frigidity possible in -women. I will repeat them briefly so that you’ll remember them later. - -The first is the fact that the female orgasm is not a biological -necessity in woman as it is in man. The race can and does go on if -women fail to have full sexual satisfaction. This strongly suggests why -the female orgasm is so susceptible to psychological influences of an -adverse kind. - -The second is the fact that motherhood calls for tremendous -psychological and sometimes physical sacrifices; it means that a -woman has to reverse the natural law of self-preservation and put her -children’s welfare ahead of her own. This is deeply frightening to -some women and, unless they are properly educated, can cause them to -fear their feminine sexual impulses to the point where they are unable -to enjoy love-making. - -The third reason is that women have, in effect, two organs of -gratification, the clitoris and the vagina. Clitoral orgasm is -immature, evades true feminine sexuality, and is considered a form -of frigidity. However, millions of women find this earlier method of -gratification so satisfying that they are not motivated to move up to -the mature level. - - - - -Chapter 8 - -THE GROWTH OF LOVE - - -In medical school one of our courses included the study of the -psychological stages of development man goes through from infancy to -maturity. It also included the various pitfalls people encounter during -these stages, the biological and psychological experiences that can -prevent them from reaching psychological maturity. - -During one class in which we reviewed the psychological hazards -of adolescence a very intelligent student raised his hand and was -recognized by the professor. “How does anybody _ever_ really grow up?” -this student asked. - -The class laughed, of course. But the professor, after the laughter -had died down, took the question quite seriously and complimented the -student for his acuity. He then proceeded to address us for a half -hour on the indomitable and surging drive of the human body and mind -toward health and pleasure, a drive that will often overcome seemingly -insurmountable obstacles, that will pause for a while at times, -apparently defeated, only to revive its original energy and resume its -move toward the goal of health and maturity. - -We see this drive daily in people who come for psychiatric help, and -we know that it is the single most important element in psychological -healing. As soon as the difficulty which was holding the person back -has been resolved, his whole mind and body tend once again to resume -its move toward health and happiness. It is well to keep this factor in -mind as we explore here the stages of development women go through on -their way to grown-uphood. - -We have seen the grown-up, truly feminine woman in operation. You -will remember that she is a delighted and delightful partner in that -closest and most perfect expression of love, the sexual act. You will -recall that a great part of her personality is organized around her -maternal instinct and that the chief characteristic of that instinct is -a pleasure in giving, an unappeasable altruism that always puts husband -and child before self, even to the point of risking her own life and -welfare. Her central activities revolve around her nest building and -child rearing. Her personality is characterized by a deep intuitiveness -about others. She is inward and passive, her energies devoted to that -deepest of all needs, the procreation of the race of man through her -own body. Her husband, by contrast, is aggressive, occupied basically -with his struggles in the outside world. Her stage, the focus of her -central interest, is the home and its preservation and its happiness. - -How did she get this way? Or, in the case of women who fail to achieve -a truly feminine personality, what actually happens, how do they get -_that_ way? - -To be able to answer these questions, one must first understand the -stages of development that women, all women, go through in the process -of growing up. These phases of development have been under the closest -scientific scrutiny for several decades. The realization of their -importance for psychological health and illness has been one of the -major achievements of modern psychiatry. They have been thoroughly -explored, and if we do not yet know all there is to know about the -subject, we still know a great deal. - -The material I am about to go into is fact, scientific fact, not -opinion. If the information here seems new or strange or even -irritating to you, do not be surprised or upset. It is new and strange -to most people and at first it may not seem applicable to you. But if -you will stay with it, use it to understand the case histories which I -will discuss afterward, you will gradually see why understanding these -phases is so necessary and helpful to the individual who has not yet -been able to achieve her full femininity. As you have been told many -times, all psychological problems are rooted in infancy, childhood, -or in adolescence. To uproot these problems, we must return to those -stages of development with new tools, new ideas, a new master plan. - -There are two over-all stages of biological and psychological -development that every individual must go through. The first stage -lasts from birth to about ten years of age. In turn this stage is -divided into two phases; the first, the phase we call infancy, lasts -roughly for the first five years of life. The second phase we call the -latency period and occupies the second five years of life. - -The first five years of growth, the infantile period, is of enormous -importance for later development. In this phase the whole personality -takes the shape and develops the characteristics that will distinguish -it from that time on. - -At this point I have to note a certain scientific fact that may -surprise or disconcert you. I ask you to withhold any prejudices of a -personal or moral kind you may have about this fact, for they will only -obscure the entire issue and make it difficult for you to understand -one of the most important contributions science has made to the -understanding of the human mind. - -The decisive fact, then, about the infantile period is that the little -creature is very heavily endowed with strong sexual feelings. The -students of this subject are in absolute agreement on this point. There -is no longer the slightest inkling of a doubt about it. All scientific -methods of checking the fact have been employed. These range from -direct observation of children to the recovery of childhood memories -through hypnosis or while subjects have been under the influence of -hypnotic drugs, direct reports from children, and several other sources. - -This sexual drive is centered on the genitals from the outset, and it -can be seen very clearly in children who masturbate. Such masturbation -is a perfectly normal activity in boys and girls during this entire -period. - -The important point about this masturbation is the fact that the little -girl masturbates by the manipulation of her clitoris. She has no -awareness of her vagina as a sensual area. - -The sexual feelings of infancy increase in intensity after the second -or third year. Now masturbation may increase. In a very real sense the -strong sensual feelings experienced at this age set the mold for the -later sexual development of the child. - -For the first three years the little girl is deeply and primarily -attached to her mother. In the sense that infants “realize” things, the -little girl knows that her mother is the source of all her security. -These feelings have a very clear sensual nature. The little girl loves -to be close to the mother, to be stroked by her, to have her mother -clean her genitalia, etc. She associates her masturbation with the -pleasant sensations she receives, psychologically and physically, from -her mother. - -Around three years of age the little girl becomes aware of her -growing attachment to her father. His tenderness toward her and his -play with her stimulate her whole being, and her sensuality becomes -increasingly attached to him. At first she is not aware of the conflict -in this attachment, but as her little mind becomes a bit more aware -of reality she senses, however vaguely and incompletely, the fact -that her increasingly sensual response to her father has put her into -competition with her mother; another woman has a prior claim on her -first man! At this point she begins to develop hostile feelings toward -her mother. - -The whole thing seems too fantastic! A little child competing with her -mother for her father’s love? Impossible! - -But let me give you a very clear example of a typical dream my women -patients have. This is the dream of a frigid woman who had had several -consultations with me and in one of them, the day before the dream, -suddenly remembered that at the age of five she had been absolutely -convinced that her father would marry her when she grew up. She had -buried that memory in her mind, only to resurrect it in therapy. - -Her dream, then, was that she was lying in a crib. A tall thin -man with glasses and a thin mustache was lying on a bed nearby. A -stout, florid-faced woman lay next to him. Suddenly this woman had a -convulsive seizure and, after a few moments of writhing, became still. -The man then looked at her and smiled as if pleased. “She’s dead,” -he said. Then he rose from the bed, went to the crib, and picked -my patient up. “We will have four,” he said to her, and she felt -immeasurably excited and pleased. - -My patient woke in a great state of anxiety. In our session she told -me that her father had been tall, thin, and sometimes wore glasses to -read in bed. And her mother was stout and very high-colored. My patient -then suddenly recalled that in the childhood fantasy of marriage to her -father she had decided that she would have four children with him. Her -logic was this: her mother had had three children; she would go her -mother one better! - -I cannot tell you how often we psychiatrists get, directly from our -patients, information as clearly confirmatory as this of the existence -of an early triangle between mother, father, and child. It causes a -conflict in the child, of course, and this early conflict in the little -girl takes place in a very subtle manner, so subtle, indeed, that its -very existence escaped the conscious notice of mankind from the dawn -of history until the end of the nineteenth century. Just before the -turn of the twentieth century Sigmund Freud, then an obscure Viennese -psychiatrist, while using hypnosis on patients suffering from powerful -feelings of repressed guilt, noted that these feelings were always -connected with very early sexual conflicts. He was astonished to -discover that these sexual conflicts dated back to early childhood, -and in case after case he was able to demonstrate not only that -children possessed strong sensual feelings but that these feelings -became attached first to the mother and then to the father, causing a -conflict in the childish mind which had to be resolved. He called this -the Oedipal situation. If it was not resolved, the child developed -irrational feelings of guilt which could and did impede normal sexual -and psychological growth. - -I described this early source of conflict to a woman patient of mine -recently in much the same way that I have described it here. After -pondering for a moment she asked a question that goes to the heart of -the matter. “If this early situation causes a conflict in the child -which can lead to a neurosis later, why did nature design things that -way? I thought nature set things up to foster growth, not to hinder it.” - -The observation and question were fine ones and raised points that -are generally ignored. Nature _did_ design this early sexual conflict -for a very special reason. She did it to foster the growth of the -little girl, to push her on to the next step in the development of her -femininity, to move her a little farther along the path to her ultimate -role of wife and mother. - -Let me explain this a bit further. For the first few years, by the very -nature of family life, as we have seen, all the little girl’s feelings -are focused on her mother. She is the center, the fountain of life -itself; the little one looks to her for food, security on all levels, -and “love.” This love soon becomes tinged with a very strong erotic -feeling connected with the little one’s growing sensuality, which, as -we have seen, is centered on her clitoris. - -Now, it is necessary for humans to love and to have erotic feelings -centered on others. But clearly, if this early love situation did not -change at some point, the little girl would grow up to have women as -her erotic centers of interest. Nature intends no such end result. -She intends these erotic feelings to become ultimately very much -man-centered. Thus she makes the role of the father in the child’s -development all-important. He becomes the first bridge from the -infantile erotic and dependent relationship with the mother to mature -relationships with members of the opposite sex. There are, of course, -several other bridges that the growing girl will have to traverse on -her journey to maturity, but this first one is of central importance. -Ultimately, of course, she will have to give up her father, too, as the -center of erotic interest, but he will remain in her unconscious life -as the model of all that she wants from the male in her life. - -We see, then, at the end of this early phase of development the first -big step in the preparation of the little girl for her ultimate destiny -as wife and mother. But since we know that she is nowhere near ready -for such functions we might wonder how nature ends this early period -and enters the second important period of growth. - -The end of the first stage and the beginning of the second (which, -you will recall, will last to about ten years of age) begins with a -remarkable psychological event: the early infantile sexuality goes -completely underground. The little girl “forgets” that she ever went -through such sensual experiences, that there was anything the least bit -erotic in her former attachments. Her masturbation stops, under normal -circumstances, and she enters into approximately a five-year period of -total non-sexuality. - -However, you must understand that when I use the word “forget” I do -not mean it literally. In psychiatry we use the word “repression” to -describe this kind of forgetting. It means the ability of the human -mind to push anything it does not wish to recall out of awareness, into -a part of the mind called the unconscious. When we repress something, -a memory or experience, we do not remember that it ever happened with -our conscious mind. However, it remains quite intact in our unconscious -mind and can and does exert an influence upon us that we are not aware -of. Too, it can be revived in the conscious mind by later experiences, -or, even if it does not revive, later experiences can be very much -influenced by the “forgotten” memory. - -The new stage into which the young girl now enters is called the -“latency period,” because the sexual feelings of the earlier period -have become repressed, or latent. - -The latency period is chiefly characterized by an attempt on the -part of the little girl to understand and master her environment. -It is marked by a tremendous growth physically and mentally. She is -interested in everything, in everything that gives her a chance to -advance herself physically: rope-jumping, doll-playing, ball-playing, -swimming, climbing, running; there is sometimes very little that she -does, feels, or thinks in this period that distinguishes her in any -very important manner from a little boy of the same age. She may be a -bit more obedient, a bit better about doing her homework than a boy, -but not dramatically so. - -We may ask, then, what nature’s intention in bringing on this latency -period might be? Let me put it this way. Nature, plainly and simply, -wishes to give the child a chance to grow a little mentally, to -learn to master her body and mind, to integrate the earlier phase of -development, to learn to form personal relationships so that when -she comes to the next great step in development, the phase marked by -menstruation and female maturation, she will be ready. Think what would -happen if the little girl were plunged from the stresses and strains of -infantile sexuality directly into full sexual readiness. Her body might -be ready, but psychologically she would have no understanding of her -environment, no idea of personal relationships, no sense of her self -or of her abilities. She would have, as the actress Elizabeth Taylor -noted of herself and her reaction to a too-early plunge into grown-up -experiences, “a child’s mind in a woman’s body.” Nature _intends_ no -such dilemma for women. She has a step-by-step plan which leads the -woman, if parents co-operate, safely to the haven of physical _and_ -psychological maturity. - -The latency period is also marked by a very close relationship to -the parents, particularly to the father. However, there are now no -conscious sexual feelings attached to him. She admires and values her -father above all other things and wants his admiration and very high -regard too. Most fathers instinctively give their little daughters a -great deal of love and reassurance during this phase, and the child -basks in it as a flower in the sun. She strives to do the things -that will please him, make him notice her, make him love her. His -responses are studied assiduously, and it is in this way that she -receives her first real experience with the all-important feminine need -to “please her man.” The feelings of joy she gets from his pleasure -in her accomplishments, physical and mental, are the precursors of -the rewards she will later prize so highly when bestowed on her by a -loving husband. As you might suspect, this period is very important -to her development into full womanhood with its varied psychological -give-and-take. If the father seriously fails in his role during this -period he can do irreparable harm to the growing girl. - -The mother’s role, of course, continues to be important too. The little -girl has repressed her guilt feelings toward her mother, along with all -of her directly sensual feelings, and during the latency period Mother -emerges as a model to imitate. In effect the little girl says something -like this to herself: “She, after all, got the man I prize most highly -in the whole world. Therefore, she must have something very desirable. -Therefore, I’ll imitate it.” She proceeds to do just that. - -Of course I do not mean that this is _all_ there is to her feelings -about her mother; she loves her mother deeply and abidingly and without -her would feel, and indeed would be bereft. Her imitation of her mother -is a tribute to those feelings too. However, I may remind you that I am -selecting those aspects of the child’s relationships that bear directly -on her later sexual maturity. - -The next stage of development starts approximately at the age of ten -and ends with the complete maturation, psychological and biological, -of the individual woman. It is often divided into two phases; the -first phase, which lasts until thirteen, fourteen, or fifteen, we call -puberty; the second, by that much-misunderstood word “adolescence.” - -Puberty is ushered in by great glandular changes in the child. The -young body begins to take on the semblance of womanhood. Breasts -begin to grow; pubic hair starts. Gradually the uterus, or womb, -stirs, begins to expand, readies itself to hold the child which will -ultimately grow there. In the midst of this preparatory growth -menstruation, the cyclical ebb and flow of fecund woman, starts in -earnest. In a few months the child stands just within the portal of -physical maturity. - -The little girl now again (for the first time since infancy) begins -to experience rather strong sexual feelings, and she reacts to them -with some anxiety. She may start once more to masturbate clitorally, -although this time the act is accompanied by guilt feelings and with -apprehension. As I have pointed out, these feelings of apprehension can -be thought of as fully justified. Her sexuality is going to lead to -motherhood, and this in turn means that she is going to have to face -the dangers of pregnancy and childbirth, the biological need of putting -her child’s welfare ahead of her own. In effect, as we have seen, she -is going to suspend the law of self-preservation as it applies to her -own person. - -The little girl knows this; she knows it with her body and mind, for -even the most prudishly reared child cannot be prevented from finding -out the facts of life. If her parents have not told her she will soon -find out all there is to know from her girl friends. - -I have said that the new changes in her cause her apprehension. They -also cause her feelings of joy, excitement, and intense curiosity. -Throughout her entire puberty she will run between these two states of -mind, anxiety on the one hand and feelings of pleasure on the other. At -times she will look back in envy at the blissful latency period when -she was not bothered by these powerful indications of her biological -destiny, which lies immediately ahead. She will hate her developing -breasts, her menstrual period, the hair growing under her arms and -around her genitalia. At other moments she will be rapturous about -these very same changes. - -At this point she withdraws from her parents to a large extent. -Nature, as we saw in the latency period, must not only prepare her -biologically for womanhood but must ready her psychologically too. If -the little girl were to maintain the total dependency on her parents -that she has had up to this point in her growth, she would not be able -to develop the fullness of personality, the strength and individuality -necessary for successful wifehood and motherhood. - -But she is not a woman yet by any means. Do not get that impression, -for there are vital steps ahead which she must take first. The attempt -some girls make to embrace true sexuality and feminine functioning -around the age of fourteen or fifteen is generally disastrous. In -normal development she will flutter between strong feelings of -dependency on her parents and rebellion against them, or rather -rebellion against her intense desire to be a little girl with them -again. The success of this phase of her growth is marked by achieving -the feeling that she has the “potentiality,” _not_ the actuality, of -freedom from her parents. - -At some point during this period she will become dramatically attached -to a girl friend. This fact is so unalterable in normal development -that the whole period of puberty is often referred to as “the chum -stage” of development. She uses this friend to buttress her feelings of -separateness, of independence from the parents. The two share secrets -together constantly, pool their information on all matters pertaining -to sex, boys, women, childbirth. The friendship is a liberal education -for both and should be encouraged for the most part. The girl friend -is sometimes older by a year or two or three, and the younger one’s -worship of her is clearly a substitute for her feelings toward her own -mother. If the older girl is not too precocious sexually, nothing but -good can come from this relationship. - -Very gradually puberty merges into adolescence. This is the last stage -before maturity. I call this whole period the “daydream stage.” It -is a period of almost literal waking dreams on the part of the young -lady. She is still held lightly by the long preparatory sleep of -childhood and early youth, but she is ready to wake. Her head is filled -with tremendous plans for herself. These plans usually have a highly -maternal and altruistic character about them; she will become a great -doctor and serve suffering humanity in darkest Africa, or she will -become a lawyer and defend the poor free of charge, or she will become -a nurse and, under fire that would daunt a lesser creature, she will -tend the wounded among our boys at the front. She has scores of great -loves with boys or men whom she considers wonderful--all in her head. - -The satisfaction of her now nearly mature maternal and sexual impulses -through such dreams is clear. But they serve another function which is -perhaps a bit more obscure. She is not quite ready for real love yet. -She has still half a foot in childhood, is still reluctant to give -herself wholly to the realities of grown-uphood. She needs to hang upon -the tree, so to speak, for a few more years, to ripen a bit. The great -roles she plays in her daydreams are, in most cases, not achievable. -They allow her, by the very impossibility of their fruition, to have -her cake and eat it too. - -Yes, the dream of young love is a long and lovely one, and it readies -the dreamer for real love. Woman will always be a romantic dreamer, -a weaver of inner reveries, of tapestries of thought that give her -whole personality its richness and flavor. In love, as in life, man is -a doer, an aggressive achiever. Woman is the passive one; she is the -dreamer who values the man’s achievements, who creates the need for his -achievement and gives color and glory to it through her appreciation of -it. The dreams of adolescence ready her for this role with her man. - -Adolescence is a gradual preparation for true sexuality and love. In it -the young girl conquers her impulse to masturbate, though in certain -rather “free” communities there may be a great deal of petting with -the opposite sex. If the girl’s development is normal and she puts the -normally high value on herself that is characteristic of this period, -she will not have sexual intercourse until she actually falls in love -seriously. Also, nature gives her an almost unerring instinct for the -“right” man, one who will cherish her and their children. - -It is important to know that it is the man who ultimately wakens the -sleeping beauty sexually. Until she is ready for intercourse and all -that it implies in the way of a relationship, she is conscious of no -particularly urgent vaginal sensations of a sexual nature. The man -awakens these for the first time in the act of love. - -With her first intercourse, she finds a whole continent of sensations -whose existence she had only heard about second-hand. While her -clitoral sensations may still be quite pleasurable in the period of -foreplay, her whole body now, in excitement, soon learns to yearn for -the penetration of her lover’s penis, the unspeakable delight of the -now vaginally centered sensations he can give her. She has little or no -block to these sensations; there may be a period of adjustment for a -few weeks or months until they become totally unfettered from childhood -inhibitions and fears, but the months will be short. Now true orgasm -is hers at virtually every sexual encounter with her husband, and in -mutual delight their relationship will prosper and deepen. - - - - -Chapter 9 - -DANGERS ON THE ROAD TO WOMANHOOD - - -Now we have seen the stages the normal woman goes through on her way -to true sexual and psychological maturity, the step-by-step process of -her growth. But we must, of course, ask what might happen to impede -this growth, what pitfalls lie along the way into which she may stumble -(or be pushed), causing her to develop symptoms of frigidity and the -personality difficulties that always accompany this frigidity. - -I should like to list these pitfalls in the same manner that I showed -the normal and unimpeded growth of a woman: by taking the stages of -development in the order of their appearance. If you are able to see -the specific dangers along the path to grown-uphood, you may avoid -repeating them with your own child and may learn much about the origins -of your own problem, particularly as I show their application in the -specific case histories that follow this chapter. - -In the first or infantile stage of development the greatest danger to -the child comes from ignorance on the part of the parents. In the past, -parents did not know that the newborn babe has sensual feelings that -become quite specific by the time he or she is three years of age and -continue that way until he is about six. I am afraid many parents still -do not know this fact, either have not heard of it or do not believe it -is true. - -Such a lack of knowledge is often accompanied by a moral horror of -masturbation or, at the very least, of strong feelings of moral -disapproval. This often leads the parent, especially the mother, to -restrain the child from such sensual activity. Many parents slap the -infant’s hands, some systematically remove the child’s hands when they -see her playing with herself. Others, when the child learns to speak, -will reprove her for her activities, often spank her if the activity -persists. - -Such an attitude could not be more mistaken and can have a disastrous -effect on the child. The infant is tremendously responsive to -even the subtlest disapproval on the part of the parents. In this -all-important area she will react violently to punishment and even -to verbal warnings. Often she will not only attempt to prevent her -own masturbatory activity but will try to repress the whole of her -sexual nature in an effort to keep her mother’s love. She may be quite -successful in doing this, kill all her natural impulses in the bud. -First experiences, as we know, are of great importance in development, -and this early inhibition of her sexual nature can, and often does, -lay the groundwork for sexual frigidity and a generally inhibited and -circumscribed personality. - -Another danger in this period can come from an exorbitant amount of -overt love from the father. This is very difficult for certain men to -understand fully. They argue, and quite cogently, that the young need -a great deal of love, demonstrative love. That is indeed so, but it -must also be remembered that children at this age are extremely erotic. -They can be overstimulated sensually if the father does not bestow his -loving caresses in judicious amounts, and the result can be a strong -fixation of erotic feelings on the father, with a consequent overload -of guilt feelings. These guilt feelings can lead to total frigidity -in later life, and indeed may be the leading cause of this symptom, -as we shall presently see. I am not saying that a father should not -caress and dandle his little daughter; that would be against nature. He -should, however, dole out his physical expressions of love in amounts -that are not too stimulating to the child. - -Another pitfall the child can encounter at this stage is quite the -opposite in nature. It is, luckily, met with infrequently, but it does -happen and it can have an important effect on the child’s development. -I am speaking of seduction by an older child or an adult. It is not -unknown for nursemaids or even older brothers and sisters to stroke -the young child’s genitals. German and Austrian maids used to do it as -a matter of course, stroking the little boy’s testicles and penis or -the little girl’s vulva to put the child to sleep. However, this is -absolutely harmful to the child, causing an overexcitation that can -have a permanent effect on her sexuality. Masturbation is normal for -this age, and in this form of narcissistic sexual activity the child -is able to control the amount of sexual excitation she receives. Under -normal circumstances she will not exceed this amount. However, stimuli -from the outside are _not_ self-regulating, and the child’s ego is not -sufficiently mature to handle this overexcitation. - -The result of a seduction on the child at this age can be disastrous. -It can lead to any of the major forms or degrees of frigidity. In my -experience, however, it most frequently seems to lead to the form known -as “psychic frigidity.” - -I might add that the same general effect can be caused by certain -local irritations of the little girl’s genitalia. These can be easily -recognized. The itching and soreness of such irritations may cause the -child to scratch or stroke her genitals excessively, and this too may -occasion an overexcitation which the little ego is not yet ready to -handle. Or it may cause the child to associate pleasurable sensations -with painful sensations, and this association can cause difficulties -of a psychological nature later. Only real ignorance on the part of -the parent could allow such easily remedied conditions to persist to -the point where they might do harm to the child. On the other hand, I -do not wish to alarm parents unnecessarily or to cause any mother to -become obsessively concerned about the frequent irritations children -may get in the genital area. To cause any real harm to the child -psychologically, such irritations must be chronic and unattended to for -a long period. The usual short-term irritation has no known permanent -effect on the child’s development psychologically. - -The last major danger of this early period which I shall mention stems -from any deep-seated emotional problem of the mother. If because of -problems created in _her_ childhood the mother either neglects or -overprotects the child to a great extent or over a long period of time, -there can be serious harm done to the development of the little one. -Overprotection can destroy the self-reliance of the child, keep her -from passing into the rewarding and growth-provoking relationship with -her father which moves her into the next natural step in development. -Neglect, on the other hand, can thrust her into too close an -association with the father and have equally dire results. - -Failure of the relationship with her father is the chief danger the -little girl faces during her latency period, which, as you may recall, -she encounters from six to ten years of age. She has transferred many -of the feelings of love and dependency, which a few years before she -had felt for her mother, to this new idol. Forever after he will be the -model male in her life, though she will seek her ideal in other men. -For the present she worships him, and his approval means more to her -than anything else in the world. - -If the father is a disapproving and critical man and directs such -attitudes toward his daughter, she may develop strong feelings of -inferiority. These can lead her to feel that men are virtually -impossible to please, and she can thus become fearful of them, feeling -that if a man finds out her true nature he will disapprove of it. No -reality or later acceptance by a man will overcome this irrational -conviction unless, when she is grown, a woman with such a self-attitude -examines herself deeply and eradicates this mistaken conception of the -male. Her feelings of inferiority extend to her sexual drive, which she -is apt to repress, as if it were discreditable, like the rest of her -personality. - -Some fathers, of course, have a closer identification with their sons -than with their daughters. Men who are not aware of this tendency can -wreak great havoc with a daughter’s personality at this stage of her -growth. Since she adores her father and wishes to become what he will -admire, she will quickly detect her father’s preference for the male. -This often causes her to attempt to cultivate male characteristics and -male pursuits and to depreciate totally all those typically feminine -goals which one day she must achieve if she is to be a true woman. - -The latency period, as we saw, is a non-sexual time for both boys -and girls. Aside from their anatomical structure, there is little -difference between boys and girls at this juncture: their glands -function in roughly the same way; none of the typical characteristics -which will differentiate them later have yet appeared. They are both -interested in mastering the world about them and the world inside -them; they are both roughly equal as far as their innate store of -aggressiveness is concerned. Indeed, many scientists call this whole -period the bisexual period of development. - -For these reasons a father who implants male goals into his daughter’s -psyche at this point finds a ready audience. Psychoanalysis shows us -that the little girl very often can develop fantasies of an extremely -odd kind at this juncture. In some children, for example, the idea that -they can somehow magically grow a penis and turn into a boy is too -often quite conscious. But even if such ideas do not become conscious, -the yearning of the little girl to become a boy to win her father’s -esteem can remain as part of the total equipment of her unconscious -mind. Later, although hidden and disguised, this wish can be at the -root of much of her sexual problems with men, causing her to be -neurotically competitive with them and to reject her own female role as -unworthy. - -We saw that the girl in puberty and in adolescence had a formidable -task to achieve. She must learn to accept and to love the “dangerous” -role of the woman--she must, in effect, be willing to reverse the -natural law of self-preservation and put childbirth and the welfare of -the child ahead of her own needs and safety. - -If she is not encouraged to believe that the feminine role is a worthy -one, if she is taught that the male role is superior, then she will be -highly motivated to reject her femininity and, almost literally, try to -be a boy. It is frequently exactly this that occurs when a woman’s fear -and rejection of femininity result in an inability to respond vaginally -in sexual intercourse. In a curious and of course unconscious manner -she may hold onto the sensual responses of her clitoris as if she had -a small penis, but feel unable to allow the sensual feelings to be -experienced within the vagina. - -The young girl may be influenced to reject her feminine role by the -mother as well as by the father. If the mother herself has a strong -resentment of her own femininity and, like so many women, has been -reared to feel that the role of wife and mother is a degraded and -worthless one, she can pass this attitude on to her daughter without -speaking a word. The child sees it in her mother’s reactions to her -father in everyday life, hears it in her complaints, and sometimes -feels it in the resigned and hopeless attitude with which she may face -her life. - -When I emphasize this early “masculine” direction which a little girl’s -values may be given, I do not wish to confuse the reader. There is -a “tomboy” stage through which many girls pass. This is a perfectly -natural phase in her development and has nothing to do with the problem -unless the child holds onto her tomboyism until well after twelve -years of age. This natural emulation of little boys is really quite a -feminine gesture on the little girl’s part--she is trying to learn more -about what that wonderful opposite sex does and thinks and feels. In -this way she enters into her first friendly relationships with males -other than her father. - -Remember that we called puberty “the chum stage.” The young girl takes -to herself a bosom companion of the same sex with whom she shares -her “secrets.” One of the chief dangers to arise during this part of -the growing-up process comes from this relationship, which is, of -course, a normal one under optimum circumstances. However, if the chum -selected turns out to be precocious as far as sexual experiment with -the opposite sex is concerned, the friendship can lead to harmful -experiences for the more innocent member of the duo. - -A girl entering puberty is often attracted to a girl a year or two -older than she is and will idealize this new friend, feeling that any -action she performs is entirely fine and defensible. Neither of these -children is, of course, ready for any truly heterosexual experience, -but the younger one may imitate the older one and attempt to follow -through in a sexual relationship with a boy or older man. Without -mentioning the possible disaster of pregnancy at this early juncture, I -should like to emphasize that sexual intercourse at this age, without -the preparatory stage of adolescence having intervened, can cause a -permanent aversion for the experience. It can produce a trauma of such -severity that the young person may withdraw from the opposite sex -entirely and remain withdrawn. Or it may encourage her to believe that -she has attained her majority and cause her to act out this joyless and -premature experience over and over with many different members of the -opposite sex. - -The simple fact is that a girl is not ready for love-making until -she falls in love with a specific individual. For this to happen in -a meaningful manner, she must first pass through the daydream stage -of adolescence. Boys do not go through this phase and, indeed, do not -have to. They are ready for intercourse at a much younger age than -girls are. Girls have much to risk in love, even if we confine our -observations to the purely biological aspects of the experience of -sexual intercourse. Psychologically they must, so to speak, be sure -that it is indeed Prince Charming who leans over them. Until it is, -they must dream and sleep, for if it is a rude stranger he can shatter -the dream forever, thus rob the young girl of any chance of ever -bringing her dream to fulfillment in reality. - -Another danger of both puberty and adolescence is that the parents -will be overly strict, interpreting the move of the young one toward -independence as a danger to her. I have seen many cases of young girls -who might have stayed within the home until their adolescence was -safely over had it not been for the rather prurient and thick-skinned -assumption of a mother or father, or both, that their early dating must -inevitably be immoral. This assumption on the part of a parent can -activate a very hostile reaction on the part of a young girl. It is as -if the parent were saying to her, “You will never be independent of us, -never have a life of your own. Why don’t you give up trying?” The fact -that the parents do not intend their watchfulness to imply this at -all is not relevant. That’s the way the young one too often interprets -it, and in a gesture of defiance she may do something that will really -injure her. - -Equally seriously affected, if not more so, is the young girl who -_feels_ extremely rebellious but who submits to overzealous parental -authority out of fear. I have seen several girls with this problem. -What generally happens is that they have pulled back, because of -undue parental influences, from indulging the personality-enrichening -dreams of adolescence. This causes them to remain on the threshold of -womanhood, lost in an emotional dependency which belongs to an earlier -phase of development. By and large, the problems of such girls when -they come to womanhood tend to be more severe than those of the girls -who rebelled. - -In making these observations on parental strictness I am in no way -advocating a laissez-faire attitude. Every young girl needs to feel -the force of the parents’ moral feelings; they give her guidance and a -feeling of security. She will, however, generally react more normally -and healthfully if the moral attitudes are expressed and interpreted -rather than laid down as ukases. - - * * * * * - -We have now seen the stages of development that lead to maturity in -woman and the pitfalls she may encounter on the way. With this final -information in hand we are at last ready to look at frigidity itself. -The next section, therefore, will treat of the frigid woman herself, -and I will show you, with specific cases, how the kinds and degrees -of frigidity develop and what concrete problems they bring in their -train. With such models in mind we will then be prepared to examine the -constructive steps which individuals who suffer from this problem must -take to win their freedom, to cross the bridge to womanhood. - - - - -SECTION III - -_The Fear of Love — Case Histories_ - - - - -_Chapter 10_ - -TOTAL AND PARTIAL FRIGIDITY - - -Although we have discussed the various types of frigidity in a former -chapter, I think it will be helpful now to go into the matter in -greater detail. I am going to illustrate the major types of frigidity -with case histories. In this way you can get a living picture of each -problem. - -I think the case method of presentation is particularly helpful to a -full grasp of frigidity. Those who are caught up in the problem usually -lose their objectivity about themselves, are unable to see with any -real clarity just how their actions and reactions are neurotic and just -how they are affecting those about them. The true story of another -woman who has suffered from the same affliction mirrors the problem -faithfully, allows one to achieve a clear view of herself, perhaps for -the first time. For the fact is that each kind of frigidity has its own -very distinctive characteristics and its own unique causes. - -But as you read these cases I think you will be struck by the very -special differences in each kind of frigidity, which will allow you -to see your own image--to diagnose yourself, so to speak. You will -see, too, that there are certain characteristics common to all the -frigidities. Knowledge of both these facts, as you will discover, is -important to the cure of the frigid woman. - -In giving these stories I cannot, of course, include examples of all -the pitfalls that are encountered from childhood to adulthood. That -would require much more space than I have here. I will attempt, rather, -to select cases of frigidity caused by experiences most common to our -society. - -The first case, then, is one of total frigidity. This kind, as you may -recall from our earlier description of it, is one of the most severe -forms of sexual disorder in women and is widely prevalent. Without -further ado I give you the case of a woman we shall call Patricia Agnew. - - * * * * * - -When Patricia Agnew came to my office for her first interview, she had -not come, consciously, to consult me for a frigidity problem or to -discuss the results of such a problem on her marriage. She came because -she was having, in her words, “another nervous breakdown.” - -She was not a very good-looking woman, though she had nice teeth -and large blue eyes. It was her figure that was striking. In direct -contrast to her inner attitude, her figure was round and voluptuous, -almost the American ideal of what is considered “sexy.” Her lips were -full and sensual, but she held them tightly together, which gave her a -censorious, critical, old-maidish look. She was thirty-six years old. - -Her “nervous breakdowns” (she persisted in using the expression, -though it was clearly inapplicable in her case), she told me, were -recurrent. She had had them for three successive years. Each of them -had started with a very marked increase in inner tension. She would -feel growingly unable to cope with the manifold social and familial -demands of her life; a great sense of inadequacy would set in gradually -and she would become listless and depressed. Finally the slightest -task would seem too much and she would now start to have day-long bouts -of weeping. During such periods she suffered from chronic insomnia, and -when she was able to snatch a few hours of sleep she would often have -repetitive, nightmarish dreams in which she was pursued by criminals. - -At the beginning of our talks Patricia would become extremely guarded -whenever I attempted to open any discussion of a personal nature. She -had come for help with the express conviction that I, the doctor, -should find a quick and easy solution to her periods of acute anxiety: -drugs, a sea voyage, anything that did not entail looking inward, -taking responsibility for her condition. This evasiveness, this desire -to find easy solutions, is characteristic of all forms of frigidity -in women, but it is sometimes extremely pronounced in the type of -frigidity this patient suffered from. - -However, as Patricia developed confidence and trust in me, the real -facts gradually emerged. She had been married for ten years and had -two children, six and eight. Her husband was socially prominent, -financially successful, and (as I saw for myself later, when I had -a few discussions with him) strikingly handsome, a slender, tall, -dark-haired man with a gentle and charming manner. - -During her entire marriage this patient had never had, she finally told -me, “one solid hour of happiness.” From the very beginning she had -quarreled with her husband, and the domestic strife, at least on her -part, had become truly bitter after the birth of their first son. She -had felt that her husband was becoming increasingly cruel, selfish, -demanding, and insensitive to her needs. She had believed that he was -trying to impose his will on her in any and all situations and that it -was an absolute necessity to struggle against this domination. “I felt -as if he would shatter my integrity if I didn’t put up a fight,” she -told me. “It was as though he wished to have me as a slave, nothing -less; it was either he or I.” - -The quarrels were generally over the most trifling matters, and though -her husband almost invariably tried to make up within a few hours, -she would rebuff him, and consequently bitter feelings would often -endure for a week or more at a time. These battles of will, or power -struggles, would terminate only, it became evident, when she had felt -that he had been sufficiently punished for his transgressions, though -she confessed that by the time she was ready to forgive him she had -often forgotten what the original quarrel had been all about. - -She felt, too (still felt and always had), that her husband was -extremely critical of her and that he never really gave her full -approval for anything. She believed that he did not like the way she -dressed, the way she conducted herself socially, or the way she managed -the children. When I asked her just how he expressed his disapproval of -her, to give me an example, she could not think of anything specific -and concluded lamely: “Well, he usually praises me to my face, but I -can tell by his expression that he doesn’t mean it.” - -Later, in the areas she had specifically mentioned, I checked with -her husband on his attitudes. He told me that he had felt at the -beginning and still felt that his wife dressed beautifully and that -she was absolutely perfect at any kind of social function. “She has a -really remarkable gift for conversation of any kind with practically -any person,” he said. On the other hand, he had sometimes felt that -she tended to be too permissive with the children and that she worried -about them excessively. However, he had learned early that he could not -help her in this matter and only prayed that the children would have -no adverse effects from her tendency to pamper them. I should like to -report that, as she recovered, Patricia gradually became aware of the -fact that this “critical” attitude she had ascribed to her husband was -almost entirely a product of her personal problem. - -Another powerful conviction she possessed was that her husband did not -really love her. She felt that he was mainly interested in exploiting -her, both for his “selfish” sexual needs and to advance his business. -At the beginning of their marriage her husband had entered his father’s -engineering firm and at once had been faced with the necessity of -doing a great deal of entertaining. His wife, he soon found out, was -an excellent hostess and he came to depend on her gracious parties -mightily. His dependency on her collaboration she at once took for -exploitation and even extended that to mean: “He doesn’t love me; he -merely finds me a convenience. Any other presentable woman would suit -him as well.” There was another twist to this irrational conviction, -though it was more hidden and did not emerge until quite late in the -treatment. Her feelings might be expressed in these words: “He didn’t -succeed on his own; I made him what he is, even if I never get the -credit for it.” Imagine, with an underlying feeling of this kind, how -much chance for survival any tender feelings toward her husband might -have. - -As the sessions continued and Mrs. Agnew gained more and more -confidence, she began to feel freer about discussing her sexual life. -She at length confessed that she had never experienced any sexual -pleasure in her entire life, neither before nor after her marriage. -At no point, could she recall, had she ever masturbated or attempted -to do so, even in early childhood. Kissing or being stroked gave her -no sensations whatsoever. From the beginning, intercourse had been -distasteful and often painful, though sometimes she took a slight -satisfaction from the obvious pleasure her husband obtained from orgasm. - -The actual sexual life of this couple had been at a virtual standstill -for nearly eight years. Intercourse occurred, at most, at three-month -intervals. It was never spontaneous. The husband was required to make -an appointment for a “date” several days before actual intercourse. His -wife would acquiesce to such a tryst only after she had refused him -several times and had accumulated a great deal of guilt for so doing. - -From the moment she made the appointment she would become anxious, -and this would increase to the point where she was filled with -actual dread. Often she would be forced to break the appointment and -postpone it. As the time for the intercourse approached she would also -experience feelings of rage, repeat to herself over and over, “Why -_must_ I, why _must_ I?” In preparing for the act itself (putting her -diaphragm in, inserting the jelly), she would linger for as much as an -hour while her husband waited. She often found that her vaginal muscles -contracted to such a degree that the insertion of the diaphragm was -painful and difficult to accomplish. - -With her misery increasing momently, she went, after these -preparations, to the marital bed as one might to the executioner. Her -husband’s looks repelled her now; his nakedness seemed disgusting and -offensive. She saw him as “skinny, white, and ugly, with an enormous -penis. It was as if he were nothing but a big disgusting sexual organ.” - -It goes without saying that she could feel no tenderness or warmth--she -could not even simulate it. She remained totally passive throughout -the entire act, which her husband, in response to her rejection (as -she later, in happier times, learned), hurried through as quickly as -possible. It is interesting to note that, despite her own inability to -respond, one of her bitterest complaints about her husband was that -his love-making was mechanical, hasty, and that he never showed any -tenderness. - -It had never occurred to her, of course, that he might be reacting -to her clear aversion to the whole process. Indeed, she saw no -justification for his shamefaced approach to her until she was well -on the road to sexual health. It is usual in such cases for the -wife to blame the husband for her failures, no matter how glaringly -unreasonable and untrue her accusation may be. - -After intercourse she was always depressed. She felt “dirty and used.” -Her husband’s semen appeared to her to be disgusting. “All I wanted was -to get to sleep fast and to forget the whole episode until the next -ordeal became necessary,” she said. - -Under such circumstances it is difficult to understand how a marriage -could exist at all. However, such marriages do exist in great numbers, -and by far the majority of them do not end up in the divorce courts, -as one might expect. Despite the bitter complainings, the struggle for -power, the fear of love, and the dread of sex on the wife’s part, I -have found that there is usually a well-hidden but genuine bond of love -between the couple. The husband seems originally to have seen in his -now quarrelsome partner a part that can be truly loving, truly warm. It -may show dimly and only in the interstices of the relationship, but it -keeps hope alive in him that she will come into her true self one day; -he warms himself as best he can, meanwhile, at her meager fires. - -But now that we have seen a picture of the totally frigid woman let us -examine the causes for it. I have stated that every kind of frigidity -has its special cause. What was the cause in Patricia Agnew’s case? - -To understand the origins of her problem, we will have to explore her -earliest history, particularly her relationship to her mother and -father. She was an only child, and her father was clearly the dominant -figure in the household. He was an extremely successful and lovable -man. He abounded in all the virtues, was infinitely patient and loving -with his little daughter. She told me that from her earliest times -she considered him, physically speaking, “an enormously beautiful -man,” and in describing him she lingered lovingly over the details of -his appearance--his “sculptured head,” “wonderful deep kindly eyes,” -“marvelously athletic figure.” A psychiatrist, of course, would pay -very close attention to such an ecstatic description, coming as it did -from such an otherwise withdrawn person. - -By way of contrast she had considered her mother “mousy” and, while she -had liked her in a general sense, she had never consciously had any -very strong positive feelings about her. - -Patricia clearly had been a “daddy’s girl.” There is nothing wrong, of -course, with this under normal circumstances; had she grown up to be -sexually free and had she been able to transfer her early love feelings -from her father to other men, this early attachment to the father would -have been merely a phase in normal development. - -It is not necessary here to depict the stages by which Patricia and I -arrived at a clear understanding of the early problem that had caused -her later frigidity. It will be enough to state the events themselves. - -You will recall the fact that in the first five years of life the -child is a very sensual little being. Patricia had been no exception -in the beginning; she had transferred these feelings, in the normal -course of events, to her father. However, this powerful and charming -man whose personality dominated the household, overshadowing his wife -completely, had been far too responsive (unwittingly, of course) to -the little girl’s erotic feelings. He dandled her and played with her -endlessly, surrounded her with a stimulating warmth, psychologically -and physically; he showered kisses and hugs, compliments and candy -upon her; he gave her anything and everything to express his devotion -to her. - -The consequence? The very strength of his love, its varied and -aggressive forms, its unrelenting intensity, had a negative effect on -the child. To put it most simply, his love overstimulated her budding -sexuality. This powerful man’s love overwhelmed her. Her small ego -could not handle such powerful feelings; they frightened her. In order -to cope with such feelings, therefore, she had had to repress them -powerfully, deny their existence. - -Children can do this, as you will remember from our discussion of the -latency period of childhood. It is at the onset of this period, which -occurs at about six years of age, that infantile sexuality is pushed -under ground, to remain dormant until puberty. Patricia, under the -influence of her prematurely strong sexual response to her father, had -been forced to enter her latency period, we were able to determine, at -the far too early age of four. - -With sex out of the way, she was now able to indulge her worship of her -father in complete “innocence.” He was a man who believed passionately -in success, and his ebullience, love of life, and high intelligence had -won him a great deal of it. His young daughter felt now that to win his -love she must achieve and achieve, endlessly. From the first grade of -school through her last year at college, therefore, she bent all her -efforts to excelling mentally. But her father was also a perfectionist; -he expected top honors from himself and jeered at anything less in -himself. Thoughtlessly he made the same demands on his daughter. Since -she did not have his qualifications she was not always able to come up -to his standards in every field of endeavor; few _could_ have equaled -his demands. When she did not achieve such top honors she felt that she -was not worthy of her father’s love and indeed that he did not love -her. He did nothing to correct this feeling. - -If you will recall our normal stages of development for the growing -child, you will easily see that when marriage time came around Patricia -Agnew had not touched first, second, or third base. She had appeared to -be growing normally, excelling in schoolwork, playing the role of the -dutiful daughter, going out on dates. But in the emotional and sexual -spheres she had been arrested at a very early stage. - -So severe had been her repression of her childhood sexuality that -when the glandular changes which usher in puberty occurred she failed -to have the resurgence of sexual feeling and the development of -psychological characteristics normal for that period. For that reason -she omitted her adolescent phase of development, too, the period of -young love’s long and lovely dream which prepares the girl for the -activities of love sexually and psychologically. How could she have -had such a dream? It depends on the development of a true and normal -sexuality. The door had been locked on her sexuality in infancy and the -key thrown away. - -Psychologically, too, she was an infant. The need to excel, to master -one’s environment is of course normal for the latency period. Nature -has arranged this period, sagely put sex out of the way for a few years -so that the ego may have a chance to grow, to prepare itself for the -sexual storms and stresses of puberty and adolescence. - -However, since in a very real sense she could not pass through puberty -and adolescence, she had remained psychologically in the latency -period, the non-sexual, competitive, father-worshiping childhood period. - -Patricia really had two distinct attitudes toward her husband. The -first was expressed in her quarrelsomeness, her belief that he was -selfish, unattractive, and unlovable. This attitude was based on the -fact that, very literally, her heart still belonged to Daddy. With -her exaggerated childhood feelings toward her father, every other man -suffered by comparison, seemed unworthy of her love. Her husband was an -interloper who came between her and her ideal. Therefore, his normal -need for her to love him, to be a good wife to him, seemed hateful to -her, filled her with rage. Sex under such circumstances was a virtual -rape of Lucrece, with the husband playing the role of the dark and -frightening rapist, the father representing her true love, for whom she -must preserve her innocence and purity. - -Another deeper and more hidden attitude was the exact opposite of this, -indeed contradictory to it. In this aspect of her mind her husband -stood for her father. Thus sexual feelings toward such a person must -be entirely taboo; she must repress them as she had in her earliest -years and she must keep them repressed. Too, she must excel in all -the things her father wanted her to excel in. To her husband she must -primarily excel in her wifely functions, and this was the essential -trap. For because she very consciously knew she was not and under the -circumstances could not be even a passable wife, she was constantly -inundated by feelings of inadequacy and inferiority. - -You can see then what a complete trap Patricia was in. Actually, unless -she had been strongly motivated to seek help, she would never have -found an exit from her difficulties. Her periodic “breakdowns” were -a simple and direct expression of the hopelessness of her situation. -It was as if she were saying: “I am truly a helpless child; I can do -nothing grown-up. I must be taken care of as a child is.” - -She did recover her lost sexuality and her lost capacity for happiness, -and in a later chapter we shall see how the Patricia Agnews of this -life can achieve such an outcome. But before we leave her I should like -to make one further observation of a general kind: Consider how totally -beyond any help she would have been if her irrational opposition -to her husband, to sex, and to real love between the sexes had been -bolstered up, made to seem quite justifiable by a philosophy of life -based on the feminist school of thought. From such a standpoint every -one of her difficulties would have been considered perfectly normal! - -Patricia, of course, represents frigidity in its most extreme form, -the type in which there is almost a total lack of sexual feeling. -To clarify this subject, recall our frigidity scale. On this scale -total frigidity would needle around zero. A woman at the opposite -end of this scale would experience a great deal of sexual excitement -before and during intercourse but would be unable to have orgasm, or -her orgasm would be so weak and unsatisfying that it would leave her -very consciously unsatisfied. (Normalcy, of course, is a more or less -absolute state and could not be described in terms of degrees.) We rate -her near or at 100 on the frigidity scale, meaning she is close to -normalcy. In between these two extremes there is every possible degree -of sexual blocking. - -Women who suffer from some degree of frigidity (rather than from a type -of frigidity, such as our “masculine type”) have personality problems -similar to Patricia’s. These problems become milder as they go up the -scale toward normalcy. The underlying structure of their problem is -also similar to Patricia’s--it is based on a too strong and too early -attachment to their fathers. This early attachment has survived into -adulthood and, depending largely on its original strength, causes -a greater or lesser degree of sexual and interpersonal problems in -marriage. - -But as we go up the scale toward greater sexual responsiveness the -difference in degree seems almost to become a difference in kind. -From roughly the middle of the scale upward, the essential sexual -problem has little to do with withdrawnness or unbridled or unrelenting -hostility toward one’s mate, or a feeling of being exploited sexually. -It is far more closely connected with direct sexual frustration, with a -kind of Tantalus-like feeling that one is terribly close to one’s goal -but cannot quite achieve it. - -Here is an example of what I mean. I shall call this patient Joan. She -was twenty-eight years old when she came to me, a pretty woman with an -upturned nose, a generally insouciant manner, and a pleased-with-life -smile. She had been married two years, she told me, and came directly -to her problem. During intercourse she would become tremendously -excited most of the time. It took little to stimulate her, and as the -intercourse continued she would maintain her high level of excitement. -But on most occasions, no matter how long the love-making continued, -she would reach no climax at all. She was left with a frustrated, -almost frantic feeling. - -There were, however, occasional exceptions to this rule. In about -one out of ten times Joan would achieve a climax of sorts during -love-making. But it was weak and inconclusive and not by any means -deeply satisfying to her, as it should have been and as she felt it -could be. Here, however, is the most important point. Whenever she did -experience this climax she almost invariably woke the next morning -with severe back pains which lasted for two or three days and were -clearly psychosomatic. And she would feel irritable and anxious. It was -_only_ on such days that she experienced personal difficulties with her -husband. She would find herself arguing with him about trifles, being -generally cross-grained and countersuggestible. - -“I should think,” she said to me in puzzlement, “that it would be just -the other way around; that I would be difficult with him when I didn’t -come to any climax and pleased and hopeful when I did, even if it -wasn’t the perfect orgasm.” - -But Joan was being merely logical in this assumption. The mind is not -necessarily run by such rational considerations. When she was able to -comprehend the reasons behind the apparent anomaly of her backaches and -her anxiety reactions, she was close to being cured. - -Joan’s problem was a truly mild one. Her relationship with her husband -was basically as sound as a dollar; she thought him attractive -physically and respected him. She enjoyed their social life together -and never felt exploited or put upon when he had to entertain his -business associates. Indeed, she had a great deal of fun playing the -role of hostess to them. There was no area where one could find real -difficulty between Joan and her husband except in their sexual life. - -This problem washed out very quickly, for it was lightly held in -the soil of Joan’s personality. And yet in exploring it we found it -had exactly the same structure as Patricia Agnew’s problem: a basic -overattachment to her father that had occurred in early childhood -and had not been resolved. The difference was that the attachment -on Joan’s part had been a much milder one than Patricia’s had been, -and therefore, while it did have a lingering aftereffect, it did not -encompass Joan’s entire personality and was therefore far easier to -deal with. - -There were two things that made Joan’s relationship with her father -less destructive than Patricia’s had been. First, Joan’s father was -not _so_ overpoweringly loving and attentive to the little girl during -the first six years of her growth. Second, Joan’s mother had a very -distinctive and strong personality of her own, and Joan had had a good -relationship with her all during her formative years. This neutralized -to a certain extent the overstimulating effect of her father. It had -allowed her to identify with her own sex in a healthy manner, to give -her the feeling that it was a fine thing to be a sweetheart, wife, and -mother. - -Joan’s frigidity problem was helped in a few sessions. One day she came -to me and was very upset. Her last intercourse had been successful and -had culminated in the strongest orgasm she had had up to this time. But -as usual, the next day had been an anxious one and she had had a severe -backache. - -As she talked about it she suddenly said: “I had the most amazing -dream; I’ve just recalled it.” She had been on a swing in a playground, -she told me, and her father had been pushing her. “I flew higher and -higher,” she said. “It was like flying. The sensations were delicious. -I hoped he would never stop. Then suddenly I looked around and he had -turned into some kind of criminal or something. He seized me and I -screamed, but somehow I knew nobody could hear me. I then suddenly -remembered something a girl friend had actually told me in college when -a group of us were discussing rape. She had said that a woman might be -killed if she resisted. And she said that if it ever happened to her -she would just relax and try to enjoy it. I recalled this now, and the -criminal in my dream did rape me and I enjoyed it thoroughly. I came to -a terrific climax, a kind I’ve never had in real life.” - -She had awakened at this point but then went back to sleep and had -the following nightmare. “Women policemen were pursuing me for having -committed some crime,” she said. “They’d almost catch me, but I’d get -away. Finally one of them did catch me, but when I looked in her face -she was smiling at me tenderly and she said: ‘Don’t worry; it’s not so -terrible after all.’” - -Knowing what you know already, it should not be too hard to see what -Joan’s dream means. The swinging, with her father doing the pushing, -represented her very early sexual feelings toward her father. When -these became too direct she disguised them by turning her father into -the criminal rapist. Actually _she_ was the one who felt like the -criminal, and this is borne out by the fact that in the following -dream she was pursued by the police. It is significant that they were -policewomen, for the little girl feels very strong guilt toward her -mother because of the forbidden and taboo sex feelings toward her -father. The forgiving attitude of the policewoman represented both her -good relationship with her mother and her inner readiness to get over -the problem. - -There could scarcely be a better illustration of the whole theory of -modern psychoanalysis than this. To Joan, at least, it was eminently -clear. Her terror, expressed by her dream of the pursuing policewomen, -disappeared before that session was over, and she stood ready to move -into a mature and satisfying sexuality with her husband. With her -conscious mind she now knew that she had been frightened of complete -sexual love because, in the highest reaches of passion, her feelings -for her husband unconsciously reminded her of the “dangerous” feelings -she bad once felt for her father; thus she dared not indulge them to -the utmost. Understanding the irrational basis of her fears allowed her -to dispense with them. - - - - -_Chapter 11_ - -THE MASCULINE WOMAN - - -She was a strikingly handsome woman. I looked at her as she sat -opposite me in my office and I remember being struck by the extreme -femininity of her appearance: the glossy, clean softness of her brown -hair, the peaches-and-cream texture of her complexion, the care she had -given her toilette and her clothes. Everything was perfect. I recall I -thought then: “Perhaps a little too perfect. It’s almost as if she is -dressing for a role.” - -First impressions are not always correct, but in this case mine were. -My new patient, whom I shall call Toni (her real nickname was also -based on a boy’s name) was suffering from the form of frigidity that -is often called the “masculinity complex.” She was, in short, the -“clitoridal woman,” whose general characteristics we looked at briefly -before. Her case is so typical and illustrates so many aspects of this -very widespread type of frigidity that I have selected it to tell here. - -In my first sessions with her I could see that Toni’s clear thinking -and logical mind, her emotionless, almost masculine forthrightness in -expressing herself belied her softly feminine appearance. Her way of -dressing was an unconscious attempt to hide from the world, and from -herself, her real problem. - -She was thirty years old, had been married for seven years, and had a -five-year-old son. For the past two years she had had severe migraine -headaches, sometimes as often as three times a week. These headaches -had started at about the same time that serious marriage difficulties -had developed between herself and her husband. The problem, she stated -honestly, had originated with her. Rather quickly she seemed to have -lost all respect for her husband. Looking at him one day, she said, she -suddenly saw that he had no ambition of any kind and was “insufferably -smug and complacent.” He had not the slightest desire to better his -lot, she realized, but was content to putter around in his cellar -workshop with “inane and useless projects” or to spend his evenings -“glued to the television set” or playing poker with a few “useless men.” - -This passivity on the part of her husband had inexplicably enraged her. -“I realized in that moment that we could rot, socially and financially, -if it were up to him,” she told me bitterly. “I can’t stand such -pointlessness in a man.” - -I now asked her what their social life together had been like, and she -told me that it had been very active until two years before. “Most of -our friends were my friends originally. His friends just seemed to fall -away in the first year of our marriage. They weren’t very interesting -anyhow, and I was just as glad. But after I began to lose interest in -my husband, to lose my respect for him, I began to withdraw socially -myself. My husband didn’t seem to care about that either. He doesn’t -seem to care about anything.” - -Further inquiry elicited the fact that Toni was extremely successful -in the business world. She had been through a leading woman’s college -and had been the president of her class and very prominent in -extracurricular activities. “I was a really Big Woman On Campus,” -she said nostalgically. She had then gone to graduate school, taking -her degree at Columbia University in business administration, and on -graduation had entered the buying department of one of the largest -merchandising corporations in America. - -Within five years Toni had become the top buyer of women’s clothes for -the entire corporation. In actuality this was one of the top positions -of this kind in the United States, for the merchandising corporation -was gigantic. Her present salary exceeded twenty-five thousand dollars -a year. - -I was not surprised to learn, at this point, that this was exactly -three times the salary her husband made as a junior member of a law -firm that specialized in corporation law. - -I now asked Toni if she did not get a great deal of pleasure from her -success in the business world. She told me that before she was married -and for about two years afterward she had indeed felt a great deal of -pride in her success. Her husband, too, had shared her pleasure in her -achievements. After the baby had come, however, he had seemed gradually -to lose interest in her work. And gradually, too, she had developed a -growing sense of guilt about her activities in the business world. She -had the constant feeling that she was neglecting her child. Sometimes -she would call the nurse at home five or six times a day to find out if -the baby was all right. “Two months ago,” she told me, “I went in to -see my boss. I told him I wanted to leave or to cut down to a part-time -job. He was terribly upset and at once offered me a large increase and -gave me a big talk on how important I was and how much they needed me. -One part of me was flattered enormously, but after I left him I felt -depressed. I felt as though I were failing my child terribly, but I -felt trapped by the amount of money I had been offered. I also felt -that if I should really give it all up I would quickly become bored at -just staying home.” - -Everything Toni had said up to this point fitted the classical picture -of the clitoridal woman. Almost invariably they marry a passive and -rather dependent (though often very attractive and charming) man and -finally become bitterly critical of his dependency and lack of drive, -thus upsetting the equilibrium of the marriage. In their mind’s eye -they wish for a more aggressive male who would dominate them, but -this is pure fantasy, for they would not be able to stand real male -assertiveness and, indeed, take it very poorly when their passive male -does assert himself. Such women, too, are often very successful in the -world of masculine achievement. And if they have children they develop -great guilt about neglecting them. - -One further characteristic that Toni had was a tremendous anxiety -about childbirth. Her pregnancy had been characterized by a very deep -depression; she had suffered physically for the entire nine months and, -when the time for delivery arrived, had felt “absolutely certain that I -was going to die.” - -Knowing all this, a psychiatrist could almost guess the nature of -Toni’s sexual life. It did not come out in our interviews for some -time, and I did not press for the details. However, when the facts did -emerge at length they portrayed the particular type of sexual response -which characterizes the clitoridal woman and has caused endless and -ill-informed speculation in various quarters. The fact that this -form of frigidity is so widespread in our society has actually given -rise to a group which believes that the clitoridal woman’s form of -sexual gratification is perfectly normal. This group is vociferous and -much-published and, in my opinion at least, can do incalculable harm if -its conclusions should reach wide acceptance. - -Toni was what we call “clitorally centered,” though she did have some -general reactions to kissing and other forms of foreplay. For example, -she enjoyed having her back rubbed and she received a rather minor -pleasure if her husband manipulated her labia. But she definitely -preferred that the foreplay be confined to her clitoris. If her husband -stroked her labia for more than a few seconds, the sensations became -rather uncomfortable and she would ask him to stop. - -Orgasm was almost invariably confined to the clitoris. During such -orgasm, though her vagina sometimes became lubricated, she felt no -pleasurable sensations there at all. At the point of orgasm she could -feel no vaginal contractions nor any desire to have her husband thrust -his penis ever deeper or more rapidly inside her, as is characteristic -of the normal orgasm in women. - -On the contrary, she generally preferred to be masturbated manually -rather than to have sexual intercourse. Often, to avoid intercourse, -she would masturbate her husband. Or, when they did have sexual -intercourse, her husband would generally masturbate Toni afterward. - -However, she was occasionally able to have a clitoral orgasm during -intercourse. This always was achieved when she took the position on top -and her husband was on the bottom. She was very circumstantial in her -explanation of why she could achieve orgasm in this position, pointing -out to me at some length that her clitoris could come into more direct -contact with his penis in this position. There may be some truth in -this fact, but what was of more interest to me was the extent to which -she went to make her point clear. I have often found that women with -this type of problem are, in the beginning at any rate, very anxious to -avoid any suggestion that they may be enjoying the position because in -our society it is the traditional male position in intercourse. - -Just as she took the lead in financial and social matters in the family -so did Toni take the lead in sexual matters. It was she who almost -invariably initiated every intercourse. She explained this fact to me -by saying that her husband was very insensitive to her sensual moods. -“He just doesn’t seem to pick up any cues that I throw out,” she said, -“so I have to go after him when I feel passionate.” Please note that -this, too, is a reversal of the usual pattern in sexual love between -men and women in our society; the woman will sometimes initiate sex, -but it is usually the man who does so. - -It is interesting, too, to note that although the personal relationship -between Toni and her husband had deteriorated badly in the two years -before she came to me there had been no diminution in the amount of -sex they had. Since Toni was the initiator of sex, the one who, so to -speak, set the sexual pace of the relationship, it would indicate that -she had split off her sexual feelings from other emotions. Unlike most -women, she could have sex with a person toward whom, at least during -this period, she felt no conscious feelings of love. - -As soon as I possibly could, without upsetting her, I began to focus my -discussions with Toni on the period two years before, when she began to -develop feelings of anger toward her husband. - -At first our discussions yielded nothing, though I had emphasized -to Toni the importance of reconstructing all the details of life at -that juncture as minutely as possible. At length she brought up the -important factor. Two days before the sudden onset of her intensely -critical feelings toward her husband she had, for the first time in her -life, pleasurable vaginal sensations during intercourse. - -She had felt very warmly toward her husband that night; an unaccustomed -tenderness had filled her whole being before the love-making. They -had had no preliminary love play of the usual manual kind, starting -intercourse almost at once. The vaginal sensations had begun halfway -through the intercourse and had been maintained right up to the point -of orgasm, when her clitoral sensations once more took over. She -recalled that afterward she had been surprised and quite pleased but -had soon “forgotten” the whole experience. - -There could be no doubt that Toni’s anger at her husband and her -migraines started right after this sexual experience. And there could -be no doubt that they were intimately related experiences. Though her -personality structure and the psychological events which caused her -kind of frigidity were different from Patricia’s and from Joan’s, they -were alike in one regard. All three had the deepest and most abiding -fear of real vaginal sensation and ultimately, of course, of vaginal -orgasm. - -This fear is a profound one in the clitoridal or masculine woman. Toni, -rather than admit to herself how frightened she was of this vaginal -experience, chose unconsciously to ruin her personal relationship with -her husband, to denigrate all those characteristics which she had -formerly loved in him--his charm, his ability to relax, his quiet and -warm understanding, his refusal to be driven by circumstances, and -his insistence on enjoying the small, warm, everyday events of life. -To protect herself from knowing the real nature of her problem, she -had to blame him for her difficulties. She even had to make up the -difficulties, for though he was a rather passive man he was also a very -attractive and loving one. - -The vagina is the very center of femininity, of female love, as we have -seen. If the individual fears this love, she learns unconsciously to -block vaginal sensations. If, however, at any point in her life she is -beguiled into feeling sensation there, she will have a severe anxiety -reaction, flee from the experience in any way she can. And this brings -us to the psychological structure of this kind of problem. - -The clitoridal woman develops, very early, an underlying denial that -she is indeed feminine or that she has any use for the things of -womanhood. She learns to feel that womanhood is dangerous, a slavish -and humiliating role. Only men are powerful and secure; and thus she -identifies herself with the male exclusively. - -If you will recall that, sexual anatomy aside, there is little to -distinguish boys from girls either psychologically or glandularly in -the first ten years of existence, you will get some indication that -the desire to be a boy need not seem so impossible of fulfillment to a -little girl. And even if we take her sexual anatomy into consideration, -the idea does not seem farfetched to her. She does have a clitoris, -which, in her wishful psychology, she can consider a penis, or at least -the beginnings of one. Though it is small it is, in medical parlance, -“the homologue of the penis.” It can become erect; it has a head; it -has a prepuce. Girls who are going to pursue (albeit unconsciously) -their daydreams of becoming male, eschewing femininity, pay a great -deal of very minute attention to these similarities. - -Such was the case with Toni. Typically for such cases, her father had -rejected her. During the stage of development when a young daughter -needs a sufficient quota of her father’s love and tenderness to give -her an experience of the rewards of womanhood, a substrate of feminine -security, he simply ignored her. He was, by all accounts, a very cold -man, engrossed in his business and quite indifferent to both his wife -and daughter. The concept that men rejected women, were actively -hostile to them, was very much deepened in Toni by the fact that her -father behaved in exactly an opposite manner to her brother, who was -three years younger. This young fellow received, by all accounts, the -lion’s share of her father’s small store of attention and devotion. - -Reports from a patient, while they have a certain reliability, cannot -always be depended on completely. In Toni’s case I was fortunate to be -able to check the veracity of her story. She had maintained a close -relationship with her brother after they had grown up and, on Toni’s -insistence, I saw him. If anything, Toni had understated the degree -of her father’s withdrawn relationship to her and her mother. Even -at that, the damage to Toni’s ability to love might not have been -decisive had her mother been a warm and feminine woman. But here, too, -circumstances militated against the little girl. Her mother (perhaps as -a reaction against her husband’s personality but more likely because -she, too, was essentially a masculinized woman) refused to stay home -with the children after her son had achieved the age of three. She had -opened a dress shop with a friend in the business section of Toni’s -home town which had been very successful, demanding all her time. It -was a rare evening when Toni’s mother got home for dinner. Between the -ages of seven and fourteen the girl saw her mother little more than an -hour a day on weekdays and half a day on Sundays. - -It is not hard to see then that Toni’s young world had little in it -that supported feminine values. It was clear to her that only male -activities, achievement in terms of male goals, could bring security. -Even her mother seemed to subscribe to this, for hadn’t she gone back -into the world of male activity as soon as she could manage it? Indeed, -judging the matter by her father’s relationship to her brother, she -very early reached the literal conclusion that in order to achieve love -a woman really had to be a man. - -If we were to examine the purely sexual side of Toni’s unconscious -identification with the male sex, we would only have to examine -the dreams she brought to our sessions. At the beginning she would -frequently have dreams in which she was dressed as a man or in which -she was excelling in male sports. I have recorded one incredible dream, -really quite a funny one in a sense were it not so basically pathetic, -in which she played quarterback for Harvard in the annual Yale-Harvard -football game. In my notes taken at the time I wrote that she made four -touchdowns! - -In her conscious mind Toni could not recall whether in her childhood -she actually believed she might turn into a boy. More disturbed women -than she often do remember such conscious fantasies in girlhood. -However, on a deeper level there is little doubt that Toni treasured -the possibility of such a metamorphosis. As time wore on, of course, -reality and her own good intelligence modified and disguised her wish. -She repressed the desire to be a boy in a physically external way, -by growing a literal penis. And she substituted for this concrete -idea fantasies of achievement in, to her, the male sense. In high -school and college she threw herself into a world of intellectual and -extracurricular activity and made an astonishing, almost legendary, -record for herself. In the college she attended she became not only -the president of her class but the editor of the school newspaper and -president of the college’s century-old literary society. - -Sexually Toni did not abandon clitoral masturbation in adolescence as, -under normal circumstances, a girl would, or at least would attempt -to. She clung to this early form of sexual release with almost grim -determination, masturbating daily at least once. This continuation of -clitoral masturbation long after the time when it is normally given up -was, of course, the sexual sequel to her early rejection of all that -was feminine. - -At this point one might be willing to grant that Toni had sufficient -reason to embrace masculine values but wonder just why she should -develop such a strong rejection of her feminine side, such a fear of -it. The question becomes more urgent when we learn that Toni’s sex -instruction was handled in an apparently intelligent manner by her -mother. Sex, menstruation, pregnancy, and other related matters were -explained to her calmly and clearly and at just the right times to -satisfy her normal curiosity. - -She had no shocking experience, nobody seduced her; nothing whatsoever -that was visibly untoward had happened to her. - -Many girls can be turned against sexuality by experiences that are -directly traumatic. Such experiences, however, are not an absolute -prerequisite for later difficulties. If you will recall our earlier -discussion, you will remember that to embrace the feminine role a woman -must be willing in the deepest biological and psychological sense to -suspend the natural law of self-preservation. She must be willing to -sacrifice her time, her being, her other goals--her very life--to give -birth to her children and to see them safely to maturity. - -If in her formative years the young girl is not properly prepared for -this role, if womanhood is not treated as desirable, honorable, and -lovable, she will automatically turn against it. The game, to the -young mind, will seem far too risky for the candle. As the years pass, -nothing disproves this contention and the original childlike fears, -unmodified by reality, remain intact or even increase. - -In other words, to the improperly prepared child, facing the reality -of being a woman is in itself traumatic. Such was the case with Toni. -She was convinced that real love, full of giving and willing sacrifice, -represented death. It is no wonder then that two years before she saw -me, when she had come to the verge of experiencing something like true -sexual pleasure with her husband, she turned against it in a panic, -barred it from her consciousness, attempted to render unlovable the man -who had dared to rouse such dangerous feelings in her. - -In telling of Toni’s story I have selected a rather pure type of -clitoridal woman, but I should like to make clear that not all cases -show such an obvious masculinization. Nor am I making the point that -the woman who succeeds in the market place is necessarily dominated by -masculine motives. A woman can be a stay-at-home, apparently performing -all her duties as a wife and mother, and still be suffering from the -same kind of basic problem that confronted Toni. Perhaps we can put it -this way: many women of this kind have never learned to imitate men as -successfully as Toni did. - -Helene Deutsch has said, “ … the masculinity complex is characterized -by the predominance of active and aggressive tendencies that lead -to conflict with the woman’s environment and above all with the -remaining feminine inner world … in its most primitive manifestation, -masculinity appears as the direct enemy of feminine tendencies, -disturbing their function.” - -Toni certainly fitted this description. However, she like many other -women with this kind of problem, was finally able to overcome her fear -and envy of the male and to embrace her feminine nature without fear or -shame. - - - - -Chapter 12 - -PSYCHIC FRIGIDITY - - -The problem of sexual promiscuity in women suffering from frigidity -is a common one. Speaking in very general terms, it can be said to -emanate from a desire to be sexually awakened. Women who seek a -solution of this type feel that the next man will somehow break through -the barrier that separates them from true sexual satisfaction, true -relatedness, restore them to their erotic birthright. They are doomed -to disappointment, of course, for an exterior solution of any permanent -kind to this interior problem does not exist. - -There is one form of promiscuity, however, that does not fit this -above description. Basically it is not a search for the beloved but -rather a deep, characterological tendency, closely allied to a curious -and seemingly contradictory form of frigidity. The kind of woman -who suffers from this disorder we have already characterized as the -psychically frigid type. We have described this type as one which, if -sexual reactions alone determined our definition, might be considered -perfectly normal. The psychically frigid woman responds readily to -sexual foreplay, and her orgasm is usually deep and satisfying. Examine -her reactions as closely as we may, we can at first find no single -aspect of them that would indicate a problem that could be classified -as sexual frigidity. - -However, the woman does have an obviously serious problem. She seems -to be unable to form a close relationship that will endure. She is -apparently devoted to an inner ideal of transiency in love. Sometimes -she is not conscious of the fact that transiency in love is so -important to her, but everything about her amorous career indicates -this is so. She may select as partners married men or men who are -chronically hostile to women and who always end up by rejecting them. -Or she may do the rejecting herself. She is usually faithful to her -partner of the moment and indeed sometimes pays lip service to the hope -that this time the love affair will last. But just below the surface -of her awareness she has no such wish. If the relationship shows any -indication of moving toward permanency, she will create a reason for -terminating it. And this is where her sexual problem shows: if she -could not terminate it she would inevitably become sexually frigid with -her partner. - -One might wonder why I include this type here, since her problem -is not one of physical frigidity as we ordinarily think of it--a -primary blocking of sexual feeling, an inability to experience vaginal -orgasm. I do so because in every case of this kind that I have treated -there has been a profound sexual involvement. Early and destructive -sexual experiences (usually some form of seduction) have led to a -psychological inability to relate emotionally to another. - -In the cases discussed up to now, we have seen that a too early -experience can lead to a permanent repression of a child’s entire -sexual nature. Overstimulation leads to anxiety; anxiety leads to a -ruthless repression of sensuality by the little individual. Basically -the sexual experience has been felt as dangerous and unpleasant. - -In our psychically frigid type we see, on the sexual level, just the -opposite kind of conscious reaction. A too early stimulation causes -a pleasurable sensual reaction, and the memory of this is held onto -passionately. The deep guilt that is generated in the little girl, -however, causes a displaced psychological reaction of great intensity. - -To understand this personality structure more fully, let us look at a -typical case. - -Molly M. was a passionate bohemian in every sense of the word. When -she first came to my office she was dressed in the height of what was -then bohemian high fashion: dancing slippers, a dirndl-effect skirt and -blouse, and long cotton stockings. She wore her hair in a pony tail -and had no makeup on whatsoever. She lived in Greenwich Village in a -five-flight walk-up cold-water flat. She was then twenty-seven years -old and had been living in the same place since her graduation from -college at twenty-two. She had a decent job but preferred to stay in -this exotic tenement. - -Molly had come to me because, as she stated it, she was scared. In -the past two years she had become pregnant twice and had had two -abortions. The last one, which had occurred three months before, had -been performed under the most sordid circumstances; in the basement -of a tenement by a midwife with filthy hands. Performed without -anesthetic, it had been terribly painful and resulted in a serious -uterine infection which required hospitalization. In the hospital the -gynecologist had warned Molly that if she had not already ruined her -chances to have children she might very well do so the next time. -Despite her resolution at that time to change her ways, she had -recently picked up with a penniless art student who obviously had no -real feelings for Molly and, I suspected, no real ability to care -for any other person. It was clear that this relationship was going -nowhere, just as the rest had. - -But let us look at Molly’s story. - -Molly’s mature sexual life had started at the age of thirteen! She had -had an affair with a high school senior in her home town--she described -it as a “back-seat” affair--and it had lasted for a year. From the -beginning and even under the unfavorable circumstances that love-making -in an automobile must certainly create, Molly had had a total sexual -response. - -Since that time she had had upward of forty sexual affairs. None of -them had lasted for more than a year and some only one or two weeks. -All of them had been with men who were ineligible for marriage either -because they were already married or because they were not emotionally -capable of marrying. - -Molly, though she had certain superficial pretensions to being an -intellectual, was not one by any means. But she was an intelligent -girl. She had a position as a researcher on a weekly trade paper, and -her work had put her in line to become head of the research department. -Her job represented the “respectable” side of her life. However, -despite some uneasiness of brief duration in college, she had never -seriously questioned the “rightness” of her sexual conduct. Each time -she had had an affair she believed that she was in love and she never -had more than one affair at a time. When the current love was over she -always experienced feelings of relief. - -If Molly had come from an environment where a free attitude toward -sexuality had prevailed, her actions might not have seemed so -inexplicable. But her home environment could not have been more -conventional. She had come from a small New England city near Boston. -Her father was the president of the leading bank in that city and -had been active in church and civic affairs. Her mother, too, had -been a church leader and a member of the school board. Her parents’ -marriage had obviously been a good one; the domestic life was serene; -they rarely quarreled; their civic duties were most often shared -enterprises. And they genuinely loved their three children. There were -two girls older than Molly, and they had led most conventional lives. -They had married after college and each had had two children. - -What, then, had caused Molly’s rebellion against her environment? And -what was at the root of her inability to form a relationship? What was -the cause of her psychic frigidity? - -A psychiatrist familiar with this kind of case considers the -possibility of an early seduction of some kind. It had indeed occurred. - -Molly was unwilling to discuss it at first. And this was followed by -an unwillingness to ascribe any particular significance to the event. -She believed it was an isolated occurrence that had had no particular -or permanent effect on her. Actually, as the matter unfolded, it became -clear that this event was the very nucleus of her later difficulties. - -It had happened when she was six. Three houses down from her there -had lived a man in his early sixties. I shall call him Mr. Brown. He -was a well-to-do person whose wife had died some years before and who -now lived alone. He was very friendly, she remembered, with everyone, -and often her father, out for an evening stroll, would drop in on him -and spend an hour or two chatting on Mr. Brown’s screened-in veranda. -Occasionally he would come to Molly’s house for dinner. She found out -later that he was a director in her father’s bank. He was certainly, -as far as her parents or any other grownups were concerned, above all -suspicion. - -Sometimes Molly would play jump-rope or hopscotch outside of Mr. -Brown’s house. One day he invited her in and gave her a piece of cake -and ten cents. She was delighted, and often thereafter he would have -her in, always giving her something sweet to eat. He was pleasant -and gentle and she loved him. She did not remember the first time it -happened, but soon sitting on his lap became an integral part of her -now frequent visits. He would tell her a story and ruffle her hair, -touch her arms or hands. Gradually his touching extended to her legs -and thighs. She liked the sensations and, being so young, she could not -conceive of his doing anything that would be wrong. - -Her visits now became almost daily occurrences, and then one day -he touched her vagina. She could recall the whole event with great -clarity. She remembered that his hand shook and that he looked very -pale. Her sensations were exquisite and she involuntarily closed her -thighs, pressing his hand against her vagina. At this point the whole -“affair” became enormously exciting to her. For a period of almost a -month she visited him as often as she could. - -It is important to note that Mr. Brown did not confine his caresses -to the little girl’s clitoris. At length he actually penetrated her -hymen with his finger. She remembered this because it was painful, but -she also recalled that the sensations of pleasure outweighed the pain. -Thereafter he would masturbate her vaginally whenever they met in his -house. - -This seduction lasted for some time, when one day while she was sitting -on his lap he took his penis out and rubbed it against her. She was -so initiated to the pleasures of sexuality by this time that the act -did not seem strange to her, nor did the sight and size of a grown -man’s penis cause her the alarm it would normally occasion in a child. -Her vagina was of course too small to admit more than a very partial -entrance, but (and this she remembers clearly) though he did not thrust -in any way, the little girl herself pressed her body toward him despite -the pain it caused. - -This occasion ended this bizarre and shocking experience. Apparently -Mr. Brown was tardily overwhelmed by feelings of guilt or by a fear of -getting caught, for he was not home when she next called for a visit -and he did not return for over two years. By that time she had put the -matter out of her conscious mind, or at least held the memory very much -in abeyance. - -This seduction was not difficult for Molly to recall, however, but she -found it hard to recapture other feelings which had been associated -with the experience, primarily the feeling of guilt. - -Now let us take the matter step by step. Why, in the first place, did -Molly react with excitement rather than shock to this whole experience? -There are two reasons. In the first place, the seduction was done by a -person who was loved by the child. He was a friend of the family, no -less acceptable or trustworthy to the little girl than her own father -and mother. - -In the second place, Molly had not yet passed completely through the -stage of infantile sexuality into the latency period, when normally sex -goes underground until puberty. She was still able to be excited by -sensual experiences. A year or two later she might not have accepted -the situation, probably would have reacted to it with shock or horror; -it might have contributed to a different kind of frigidity, perhaps the -anesthesia of total frigidity. - -It was clear, however, that she had felt guilty about her reactions. -She had not communicated the experience to her parents--a clear -indication of guilt feelings. And later she had separated the seduction -and its sensual pleasures from her conscious mind, made no connection -between it and her later unconventional behavior. If she had not -experienced guilt she would have had to make no such separation. - -While Molly had no further sexual experiences in her latency period, -she began to behave differently from the other girls in her group -very early. At twelve she began to pet with a boy next door and was -certain that she would have had intercourse with him had he not been so -frightened of her advances. At thirteen she would sneak out at night -to meet one of several older boys, and on one of these occasions she -had sexual intercourse. She went around with this boy for about a year. -He then graduated from high school and went away to college, and Molly -promptly started another sexual relationship with another senior in -high school. - -Sexual affairs from then on followed one after the other through high -school and college. The only concession Molly made to conventional -morality was the afore-mentioned fact that she did not allow the -affairs to overlap. - -As she entered her teens another aspect of Molly’s behavior became -apparent. More and more she sought out individuals markedly different -from those on her own social level. By fifteen she had become -distinctly “wild,” coming in late at night and refusing to obey her -parents in any way. She would not go out with any of the high school -or college boys she met. She had made friends with a group of girls -on a lower economic level whose social life consisted largely of -picking up men at dances. In this way Molly met several men who played -in bands and who were, of course, not what her family could possibly -have approved of. She did not care in the least; she felt she told me, -“unutterably bored” with her family, felt “they were sunk in their way -of life,” led absolutely “joyless and pointless existences.” - -Despite all this, Molly maintained her scholastic record at a high -level and was admitted to college--another sign of the division within -her personality. In college her unremitting affairs persisted, as did -her selection of friends outside of her own social sphere. At one -point she had an affair with a Negro labor organizer, at another with -an Italian dock hand, at still another with the father of a college -classmate. It is not surprising, then, that as soon as she finished -college (and here, too, she maintained her good scholastic record) she -gravitated toward Greenwich Village and immediately launched into a -bohemian social and sexual existence. She experienced no conscious -regrets or qualms of conscience as, year in, year out, she continued in -this mode of living, a mode so different from that of her parents. She -was sustained by her pride in what she called her “healthy animality” -and was fond of stating that most people led lives of great frustration -and “of quiet desperation.” - -Her animosity toward her parents did not diminish when she grew up, and -at the time she came to see me she had not visited them for two years. - -The consequences of Molly’s early seduction, as you can see, _were_ -grave. However, the psychological structure she had developed to cope -with this seduction is not a hard one to understand. - -Human beings are largely guided by the pleasure principle, and this is -most clearly evinced in childhood. Molly had received a great deal of -pleasure from her early sexual experience, but she had also experienced -a great deal of guilt about it. When Mr. Brown departed she had -entered her latency period. But when puberty, with its reassertion of -sexuality, set in, the original sexual experience had set a mold for -Molly’s personality. She enjoyed and sought sex to an abnormal degree -for her tender years. - -In her unconscious life, however, she felt guilty for these feelings. -Because of her precocious sensuality her problem then was to get rid of -her guilt feelings so that she could indulge her sexuality. This meant, -in effect, getting rid of her parents for, in childhood, guilt of this -kind is always associated with parental prohibition. She did this by -denying that her parents had any importance to her, by repressing all -warm feelings toward them, by constructing a set of values in which -they were, to use her words again, “stupid,” “loveless squares,” -“without a drop of sensuality.” - -As Molly and I continued our examination of her life and feelings it -became apparent that the erection of this defensive mechanism had cost -a great deal indeed, even in terms of those pleasures to which she was -devoted. In order to be enjoyed, sex had to partake of the nature of -the original seduction; it had to be a forbidden and guilty act; it -had to be with a person who was, in her mind, anathema to her parents. -And, primarily, it could not move over into a permanent and abiding -relationship, for if it did it could no longer be considered forbidden -and guilty. - -This meant, of course, that love could never lead to marriage or to -children and to the joys these bring. For if a man was respectable, -“meant well by her,” loved her, in her unconscious life she would -immediately associate him with her parents and their approval, and this -would kill all sexual feeling in her. She would be frigid with him. - -There was, of course, deep anxiety underneath Molly’s rebellion against -a permanent relationship. During the course of our work together and -after she had begun to see the implications of her problem, she began -to try to associate with men who were more eligible for a decent -relationship. A dream she had during the course of her first attempt at -such a relationship (with a young doctor she had met) shows the problem -quite clearly. - -In this dream she is sitting in the back seat of a car, kissing a -young man in an intern’s uniform. She is very excited as they kiss and -decides that she will have intercourse with him. At this point the -young intern says, “Please marry me.” No sooner are the words out of -his mouth than she begins to feel terrified, as though something awful -is going to happen. She begins to tremble and wants to get out of the -car and run, but she is so frightened that she cannot move. Suddenly -she sees the face of a man outside the car. He is dressed in evening -clothes and has a large dollar sign on his hat. He points a gun at them -and says very clearly, “Both of you must die.” At that point she woke -up in an absolute panic which lasted for over an hour. - -The intern in the dream stands, of course, for the young doctor she -knows. The man with the dollar sign on his hat stands for her banker -father. Sex is all right, and she wishes for it as long as it is -furtive and hidden. The moment it becomes respectable (“Please marry -me”) the hidden and guilty act will be made known and her father will -punish her in the most horrible way possible. - -She had, as you can see, never resolved her early guilt feelings about -the childhood seduction. Her whole life had been built around this -early experience. - -Molly’s relationship with the young doctor did not prosper, but in the -course of our work she finally did meet and marry a very fine man. -On the basis of insights she had had, she had decided to postpone -intercourse with him until after the marriage. When the love-making -began she at first responded sexually, but in a matter of a few weeks -she became quite frigid. - -This reaction of course represented, as in the case of the intern, her -lifelong fear. However, since she had faced up to her psychological -frigidity, had stopped running away into pointless and meaningless -relationships, the resolution of this problem was merely a matter of -time, of “working through” the guilt feelings she had never dared to -face before. - - * * * * * - -The form of psychic frigidity represented by Molly’s case has always, -in my experience, been caused by a childhood seduction. The seduction -usually takes place between the fourth and seventh year, and the child -reacts to the experience with strong sensual pleasure accompanied by -guilt. This guilt is handled by a withdrawal from the parents and from -values they represent. And sensual pleasure becomes an end in itself, -dissociated from friendly perduring relations with another person. -It must be furtive, indulged in with unlikely persons; acute anxiety -develops if there is any danger that it will lead to marriage. - -The seduction need not be as complete or as direct as Molly’s. I -have had a case in which a single sight of grownups having sexual -intercourse has had the effect of a seduction on a child. In such a -case the pleasure reaction becomes associated with the early erotic -feelings toward the father. The suggestion in the child’s mind is that -her “evil” wishes can be granted if she will displace them onto another -person. In later years this becomes the model for sexual behavior; -sexual desire in the woman is too closely associated with the father -image, so the love object sought must be as different from the father -image as possible. - -Sometimes “liberal” parents seduce their children quite unwittingly. -Not too long ago it became the practice among certain “liberated” -or intellectual families to indulge in a species of nudism within -the home. This practice was based on a misunderstanding of certain -contributions of modern psychology, mainly the concept of inhibition. -The parents wished to prevent their children from being inhibited or -prudish about the human body. Such parents made no difficulty about -parading around nude in front of sons and daughters of any age. - -Parents who believe in this manner have rather elaborate rationales -and present them convincingly. If certain of my patients are an -indication, however, I can testify that many children do not have the -“healthy” reaction to nudism in the home that the parents had expected. -To a six-year-old girl the sight of a naked father can be far too -stimulating an experience for her to handle. She will react either with -shock or excitement or both. The same is true of boys who are permitted -to view their mothers in the nude. - -We have seen that erotic fixation on parents constitutes a stage in the -growth process. Whatever it may be in other societies, primitive or -otherwise, nudity in our society is associated with lustful feelings. -Family nudism, I firmly believe, tends to fixate children on parents -permanently by causing unnecessary stimulation and hence strong guilt -feelings. The result can be similar to a direct seduction of the child. - -Psychic frigidity is often confused with a temporal emotional condition -we call situational frigidity. A woman suffering from situational -frigidity has no basic sexual problem. Her responses have always been -normal and her orgasm is both frequent and satisfying. However, some -severe reality problem has arisen in her life which has caused a -temporary eclipse of her sexual responsiveness. - -On occasion a woman may become quite disturbed by this fact. Let me -give an example. - -Anne S. was thirty-five. She had had a happy marriage for ten years. -In the first seven years of her marriage she had had two children, -both girls. She had had no more fears of pregnancy and motherhood than -she had had of sex. Her upbringing had been, from the psychiatric -standpoint, exemplary. In every determinable way she was an excellent -sweetheart, mother, and wife. - -Six months before she came to see me she had given birth to her third -child, a boy. In a very short time it became clear that the child was -mongoloid. After several weeks of indecision she had finally yielded -to the pressure of the doctor and her husband and the child had been -committed to an institution. At the time she came to me she had just -learned that its congenital defects would be fatal within two or three -months. - -When Anne had resumed her sexual relationship with her husband after -the birth of this child she had been completely unresponsive and -actively disliked the whole act. This had upset her. She had thought -this would pass in a week or two, but it had not. The fear that she -may have lost her capacity to love or at least to love her husband had -brought her to a psychiatrist. - -Anne could not have been more mistaken about the significance of her -unresponsiveness. She had underestimated the depth of the blow the -birth of such a child can have on a mother. Grief and other profound -emotions incapacitate the ability to love; one’s entire confidence in -oneself is shaken. It is perfectly normal under such circumstances to -withdraw emotionally. In fact, it is even desirable. Wounded feelings -must heal, and immobilizing oneself emotionally is good therapeutic -procedure. - -Time is the only anodyne for this kind of normal emotional pull-back. -In this case Anne’s child died within two months, as had been -predicted. Her so-called situational frigidity lasted for three months -after that and then disappeared entirely. - -Since the sexuality of women, as we have seen, is so “psychological” in -its nature, these temporary situational frigidities are probably quite -prevalent, though there are no final statistics on them. They can be -caused by a wide variety of circumstances and can last for a week or -two to several months, depending on the severity of the circumstance. I -have seen this type of temporary frigidity brought on by such disparate -causes as the death of a loved parent, the illness of a child (even -a relatively slight illness), a husband’s economic worries, and a -difficult birth, to name but a few. - -One very scrupulous wife, who took great pride in her ability to drive -a car, even had a sexual blocking for a few nights when she was given -her first traffic ticket. She had parked too long on the wrong side of -the street, and the officer who gave her the ticket had also given her -a stern talking-to. - -All one really has to know about situational frigidity is that it -isn’t serious and that it’s well within the normal range of woman’s -delicately balanced sexual nature and will most certainly pass. The -only therapy one needs is patience. - - * * * * * - -These cases represent, then, the major forms of frigidity. My intent -in presenting them has been threefold. In the first place, it is -important to understand what type of frigidity you have. Second, it -can be helpful to see the individual characteristics of each kind -of frigidity. Third, it is necessary to understand that all of the -frigidities have certain basic characteristics in common (with the -exception of situational frigidity), for this latter fact will allow us -to approach each individual type with one basic form of solution. - -With this final information in mind we are now ready to turn our -attention to the means by which frigidity can be resolved. - -SECTION IV - -_The Bridge to Womanhood_ - - - - -_Chapter 13_ - -THE POWER OF LOVE - - -We have come now to the last and most important part of our journey -together, to the point where we can examine the means by which real -love can be achieved. Let us start by examining what real love is, its -role in life and its component parts. - -Because of their problems in loving, many people arrive at a point -where they turn against love itself. Having lost their hope of -achieving love, they quite humanly tend to depreciate it, try to -minimize its importance. One of the commonest statements I hear from -frigid patients in the first interview goes something like this: “Well, -it really doesn’t matter, I suppose; there aren’t very many happy -marriages anyway. And I suppose there are more important things than -love.” - -Let us correct any tendency of this kind right here and now. - -Using the word in its widest sense, I would say that the ability to -love is the single most important characteristic that man has. It is -the faculty upon which all the great actions, hopes, and aspirations of -the world are founded. Without it there could be no brotherhood among -men, and therefore the very concept of civilization as we understand it -would be unknown, even unthinkable. Men would be essentially isolated -individuals whose personal drives, needs, and appetites would be the -only realities to them. Aloneness, a terrible loneliness (those who -cannot love will know what I mean), would be mankind’s lot. - -Love means, in its very deepest sense, union; union between -individuals, between women and women, men and men, men and women. It -is the most basic and profound urge we have, and its power for good is -illimitable. - -In love we make the good of our partner (whether he is our child, our -neighbor, or our sweetheart) as important to us as our own good. In -the union of love we are able to experience the essential oneness of -man and nature, to know that the universe is indeed our home and all -men within it members of our family. In this way man learns through -love that he is not alone, not condemned to the pain and anxiety he -experiences when he has nobody with whom he can share his mind, his -heart, his body. - -The concept of this happy unity is most clearly seen in the love -between men and women. The act of sexual love is a direct expression of -it. Two individuals once unknown to each other, until recently total -strangers, now nevertheless literally merge together physically, know -each other in the closest of physical embraces. They were miraculously -made for this purpose, constructed for this union. The man leaves -something of himself within the woman, his sperm. And a part of the -woman joins this, merges with it. They have indeed become one flesh. - -And this merging, in addition to the joy and comfort it brings to each -to join with the other as one, can become a creative act. From the -union a child may be created. Thus we see that the profound result of -the union which always characterizes love is productivity, creation. - -If this physical coupling were all there was, it would be miraculous -still, though an experience shared by other than human forms of life. -But man, as distinct from animals, has mind. And minds, as well as -bodies, have the capacity to merge too, the need to, the profound joy -in so doing. It is when body and mind of a man and woman merge, become -a unity, that we see the highest expression of what we term love. - -When two people are able to join as one in love, there are certain very -definite things that happen to them, as far as each individual mind is -concerned. - -In the first place, each is able to come far closer to his or her own -potentialities. The merging that takes place in psychological love is -essentially creative (just as its physical counterpart is), and so each -lover is able to come closer and closer to his true self. All who have -ever loved know of this inward blossoming, this fecundation by the love -of the other. In work, in play, in all the inner and outer activities -of life, the individual becomes far more vital and more productive than -before. - -Another important aspect of love: to each, as I have said, the love -partner becomes as important as oneself, and from this it follows that -the good of the loved one is all important to the other. Thus all -things that help the other, cause him to be joyful, secure, freely -and completely himself, become a chief concern of the other. This -fact is why real love never leads to domination or to a struggle for -power between two people. Through the mersion of love the uniqueness -and individuality of the other person becomes precious, and hence all -effort is made to guard the special qualities of the beloved. In love -we never encounter a man trampling on his wife’s rights and needs or a -woman competing with her husband. The value of the other as he is and -as he can grow to be becomes the highest value in life. - -Because of the high value she places upon her loved one a woman makes -the understanding of him one of her most important activities. And this -understanding furthers love, which in turn furthers understanding, -so that the process is a very dynamic one. By gaining a knowledge -of her loved one she is able ultimately to go to the very root of -his personality, thus making an even deeper merging of her with him -possible. Such understanding implies, of course, a great sensitivity -to all of his reactions. And it makes her, too, inquire urgently (and -creatively) into herself, so that no blocks to their deep psychological -communion can develop. - -These are, then, some of the results of real love. I have listed them -as a rebuttal of and a reminder to any who have, through repeated -defeat, become discouraged in their struggles to love and have tended -therefore to minimize love’s importance. There is nothing in life that -is so important as love. In fact, as one of my patients once said, -looking back on the period when she was unable to love, “Without love -there is nothing in life.” - -One cannot win the battle to love if one minimizes it. The frigid -woman, above all, must realize this and never give up her struggle. -Indeed, a complete awareness of how important love is can be in itself -a big step along the way to achieving the ability to love and to be -loved. - -Now if we summarize what has just been said about love, what do we -find is its essential characteristic? This: the ability to see the -other person _as he is_ and to esteem him above everything else for his -individual quality, indeed to love him (and so want to merge with him) -for it. - -On the other hand, if we were to summarize all the case histories of -the various forms of frigidity I have given and all the other pertinent -facts I have adduced about frigidity, we would find just the opposite -fact. The frigid woman, of whatever variety she may be, _never sees the -man she wants to love as he is_. His individual and essential quality -is entirely unknown to her and unknowable by her. He is a series of -projections from her past. He is a composite of the fears, the errors, -the misunderstandings of her infancy and childhood. The real union of -love is therefore impossible with this quasi monster she has conjured -up. - -Thus we can see that the major task of the frigid woman is to rid -herself of these projections she makes upon mankind in general and upon -her own man in particular. She must see through them and divest herself -of them, come to see men in their true role vis-à-vis woman and her -husband in all his uniqueness and with all his potentiality. - -That is step one. - -When she has done this there is another step she must take. If one -thinks of the description of love I have given, one realizes that it -implies a very great security within oneself, an acceptance of one’s -own uniqueness and essential femininity. But the frigid woman fears and -rejects femininity, as we have seen, feeling it to be a dangerous trap. -She must learn to alter this basic and negative attitude entirely. She -must see how childish and false, how utterly self-depriving this view -of womanhood is and give it up. - -Thus we see that in frigidity the two main doors to psychological and -sexual union--to love, in short--have been closed and locked. - -If these two doors can be opened again, the frigid woman will have -resolved her problem. - -Just these two doors? Is this not an oversimplification? To these two -questions I can give unequivocal answers: yes to the first and no to -the second. These are the two roots of the problem. Attack them head -on, resolve them, and the major part of the task has been done. - - - - -_Chapter 14_ - -STEPS TO FREEDOM - - -The resolution of an emotional problem is a process, a process with a -beginning, a middle, and an end. To put this process in motion and to -maintain it in motion, two distinct approaches are necessary. - -The first step is to grasp the problem _objectively_, to understand its -nature, its implications, to learn all the _outside_ facts about it one -can grasp with one’s intellect. - -We have now taken this first step, an all-important one for most -people. If you have read thus far, you have learned a great many -objective facts about frigidity. - -You have learned what it is and the toll it exacts; you have seen why -women are subject to it and how it originates in the individual and -the different forms it may take. You have seen, too, how woman has -attempted to masculinize her personality, how she has tried to eschew -sex entirely; and you have seen why these unhappy attempts _can_ -be successful, why they are inherent biological and psychological -possibilities. - -This kind of objective understanding is of great importance. It frees -one from prejudice and prevents one from seeking false solutions -(which abound); it brings one face to face with the real nature of the -dilemma of frigidity, its essentially psychological structure, and it -uncovers the hidden area where personal responsibility lies. - -Without this kind of objective intellectual understanding the -individual woman could not come to direct grips with frigidity, for she -would not know its nature. This type of knowledge, then, has carried us -to the very edge of the bridge to true womanhood. - -In order to cross it, however, the individual woman must do more than -merely understand in an objective manner. - -The second and all-important step in the resolution of the problem -of frigidity requires a _subjective_ approach, an inquiry by the -individual woman into the attitudes and emotions that are preventing -her from achieving maturity. The kind of knowledge one gains in this -way we call insight. If one can get true insight into the attitudes and -feelings upon which one’s own frigidity is based, the problem can be -completely resolved. - -At the moment this may seem like a big order and insight a frightening -word. Every woman knows how complex her emotions are, how difficult to -understand, how multi-faceted every human being is. - -But I wish to tell you now, at the outset, that the whole approach can -be kept very simple. Frigidity is like a log jam on a narrow stream. -If two or three logs jam together, forming a barrier, all the other -logs will jam up behind them, forming a complicated maze that stretches -backward sometimes for miles. To release the jam, however, all one has -to do is to free the first two or three logs, and then the others will -resume their unimpeded journey. - -The emotional log jam we call frigidity is held in place by two -basically neurotic attitudes. The first is an attitude toward men; -the second is an attitude toward real womanhood. We have seen these -attitudes in every form of frigidity and have seen how they function. -If the individual woman can come to grips with these two attitudes in -herself, if she can dislodge them, the free flow of her personality -toward health and maturity will resume once again. Insight can dislodge -these hindering attitudes and keep them dislodged. - -Let us start, then, and see how insight into these attitudes can be -achieved by the frigid woman. - -The first thing you must do is a very practical one. You must give -yourself, at least at the beginning, a certain amount of time alone, -absolutely alone, each day. It might be for ten minutes or for a half -hour or an hour, but you must be alone and you must seek this time -regularly. It is most helpful if you can select a time when your mind -is relatively free of worries and duties. - -What do you do to achieve insight at these junctures? You start, on the -simplest level possible, to let yourself _really feel_ your negative -emotions about your husband or sweetheart. Your only aim at this point -is to let these negative feelings come to the surface, to seek them -out, experience them _to the full_. - -Pick out some small but recurrent irritation or annoyance he causes -you; the more trifling, the better. Fix on it, then dare to allow your -emotions and thoughts about it to hold sway. - -Let me give you a single example from the case history of a frigid -patient. Every day this woman’s husband, on rising, dressed in the -bathroom. He invariably left his razor on the sink and his pajamas in -an untidy heap in a corner. This had irritated her and she had spoken -about it to him several times; he would reform for a few days but then -would invariably fall back into his old habits. - -This bit of information about their married life had been presented -quite casually in the course of my first discussion with this patient. -At that time she spoke of this peccadillo of her husband’s as a minor -annoyance. A bit later, when she had returned to the subject for the -third time, each time expressing annoyance, I encouraged her to dwell -on it, to let herself feel the full measure of her emotions about it. I -told her that I suspected there was a good deal more in her _feelings_ -about this apparently trifling matter than she suspected, and that I -thought this because she had brought it up so many times. - -At first she protested that the matter was too small to pay attention -to; that there were more important things to consider. But with -encouragement she gradually allowed herself to pursue her true -feelings. Underneath her commonplace protest was, as I had thought, an -emotional cave-of-the-four-winds. - -Her husband’s “sloppy actions,” it turned out, did not merely “annoy” -her; they “enraged” her. In her words, they signified his desire “to -humiliate me”; “he thinks I have nothing to do but pick up after him, -to wait on him hand and foot.” Her anger became more and more explosive -as she reflected on the matter, and it led very quickly and directly -to her underlying attitude toward men as a whole. Men wanted to do -nothing more or less than to enslave women, to exploit them. They -considered themselves a race apart, superior to women. All they wanted -from a woman was sex, or anything else they could get out of them. And -they were powerful, and thus dangerous; if a woman really showed her -hostility they would use their physical strength against her. And so -it went, on and on, the stored-up rage and the hostile and frightened -attitudes that lay just beneath the surface and constituted the very -bricks and mortar of her frigidity. - -In pursuing this technique for getting at one’s feelings it is best -always to select, as in the example quoted, one or more of the petty -annoyances in everyday life. Does your husband’s behavior in company -embarrass you? Has he an annoying habit? (Bathroom habits of a mate -are very fruitful sources for this kind of self-investigation.) Is he -untidy? Does his taste in clothes irritate you? Does he ignore the -children or pay too much attention to them, ignoring you? You will -know what has become the provocative agent in your life; select it and -explore the feelings underneath it to their limit. - -As you let your feeling come to the surface, please note how quickly -you move from contemplation of your husband’s annoying characteristic -to very broad generalities about men. In the case above the woman moved -almost at once from annoyance, to rage, to ascribing a hidden motive to -all men--a desire to enslave women, to exploit them. - -It was the generalities she made which (in the end) revealed to her -with great clarity that her underlying attitude created a spiritual -climate in which real love and therefore a productive marriage were -virtually impossible. How can one love, in any real sense, a person one -regards, basically, as a tyrant? - -Taking this highly emotional inventory cannot be a swift affair. In the -beginning, for the first several sessions with herself, a frigid woman -may find that no very strong feelings or passionate generalizations -will come up. But if she perseveres she will inevitably get to an area -where the feelings are intense and negative indeed. We have found that -such feelings always exist in frigidity. If they did not, there would -be no frigidity. - -The frigid woman has hidden the intensity of such feelings from her -conscious mind for two reasons. To know these reasons can help you, -make you somewhat braver in your attempt to surface the feelings. - -The first reason these emotions have remained hidden is their very -intensity. They were, in the beginning, felt to be overwhelming; it was -as if they proceeded from a bottomless well of feeling. And so, through -the years, one has learned to hide them, even from oneself, to fix them -on trifles in order to minimize them--to deny that, indeed, they exist -at all. - -Only by letting them up into the awareness can one experience the -fact that their intensity is _not_ overwhelming and that the emotion -one experiences has very definite limits; it does not proceed from a -bottomless well. - -I recall one woman who, in approaching this problem, would not let -herself weep over a strong underlying feeling of rejection by men that -she had partially uncovered in herself. “If I start crying I feel I’ll -never stop,” she told me. She was not being histrionic either; that’s -the way she really felt. When she did let herself cry, however, the -storm lasted for a mere thirty minutes or so--and then it was done with -for good. She was terribly relieved to find that the emotion which, -when unexpressed, seemed so boundless had very concrete limits. From -that point on she was much more at home with all of her emotions, not -nearly so frightened of them. - -The second reason a woman fears to let her feelings about her husband -(and men in general) come to the surface is that she believes that the -things she feels are literally true. They exist in her unconscious or -partly conscious mind as profound convictions. She holds them at bay -because she does not wish to face just how completely a part of her -mind believes that her highly irrational feelings are based on reality. - -It will help, however, to know that, no matter how convinced a part -of you is that your negative feelings represent reality, such is not -the case. Your investigation is not going to prove that your hidden -fears are valid; it is going to prove that they are invalid. These -deep and hidden convictions are shaped early in a woman’s life, -primarily by her relationships with her parents and secondarily through -her relationships with her brothers and sisters. They are basically -irrational feelings, erected as defenses against childhood and girlhood -fears and misunderstandings. They have no real basis in fact; they do -not pertain to the male _as he is_. - -It is of very great importance to know this when you begin to uncover -your most secret convictions. No matter how real these negative -attitudes appear to be, remember that they are _only_ feelings, not -reality. As long as you keep that fact in the forefront of your -mind you will increasingly dare to let these feelings up into your -awareness, into your conscious mind. - -I counsel women to be remorseless with themselves in this search for -any negative feelings they might possess toward their husband and -toward all men. Do not stop when you have seen one or two details that -indicate an amount of feeling you had not clearly known you possessed. -Press onward and inward fearlessly until you have exposed every last -hostile and irrational emotion and attitude you have. - -One woman who came to me had worked very hard for five sessions on her -negative feelings toward men. We had started our mutual investigation -when she confessed that any slight irritability on her husband’s part -caused her to feel extremely anxious, often resulted in actual nausea. - -We pursued the matter and soon found a great store of antagonism toward -men hidden just beneath the surface of an apparently gentle person. -She had, we discovered, the common, classical conviction that men wish -to exploit women, to bend them to their wills. She soon realized she -had been interpreting many everyday happenings in the light of this -belief. Her husband, an editor, sometimes had to work at home in the -evening and had asked her to keep the television set low until he was -finished. Though she knew his homework was exacting, she took this -to be a characteristic infringement of her “rights” and had a great -deal of stored-up rage about it. She also had hidden rage at such -commonplace duties as bringing his clothes to the cleaner, entertaining -his business friends, cleaning his “filthy” study, etc. - -We explored them all, one by one. Neither of us, however, felt that we -had come to the end of the matter. There was something that eluded us. -She as well as I felt certain of that. We persisted, therefore, and the -hidden feeling at last showed itself. Returning to her first complaint, -I asked her if she had ever been physically struck by her husband. - -“No,” she replied, “but I often _feel_ that he is going to strike me.” - -Knowing her husband to be a kind person, I pursued the matter, and it -soon developed that she had a very strong unconscious conviction that -men in general had no compunction whatever about using their superior -physical strength against women to obtain what they wanted. In other -words, she not only felt that men were basically hostile to women but -that they were potentially extremely violent. - -This was a bizarre conviction, and my patient soon realized its -irrational nature. Her picture of men was based on early memories of -a truly sadistic father; he had frequently struck her mother. When -she realized the pervasive importance of this only slightly repressed -physical fear of men she was able to resume a psychological growth that -had been severely impeded from the earliest age. - -But the point I wish to emphasize is that she had to persist in her -search for hidden attitudes. If she had assumed that she had gotten -to the heart of her difficulty by uncovering the first few negative -feelings, her self-investigation could not have succeeded. Please -mark the fact that she did not _feel_ she had come to the end of her -emotional inventory until she had actually done so. If one is honest -with oneself one can sense, feel, when important attitudes still lie -hidden within. - -If you persist in your daily sessions with yourself, however, the time -will come when you will feel that you have exposed to your own view all -of your angry feelings and your negative attitudes toward men, come to -the very lees of the feelings left over from childhood. You have now -made a major step toward recovery. The biggest log in the jam has been -removed. - -Why does this necessarily follow? - -One of the major contributions of modern psychiatry has been the -establishment of the fact that attitudes and feelings have the power -to do lasting harm only when they are hidden from one’s awareness, or -half hidden from it. The frigid woman’s troubling vestiges of youthful -error, once they have been made conscious, automatically lose the -greater part of their power to do harm. When they become known to the -conscious mind they are then exposed to judgment, reason, and further -information. They are seen, by one’s intelligence, to be fragile -balloons of easily exploded ignorance. When this happens, the natural -movement of the personality toward health, blocked for years by hidden -fears, rages, defenses, false attitudes, is resumed. - -A woman who can achieve this is now _prepared_ to understand her -husband _as he is_--and all other men _as man is_. If you will recall, -that particular ability, to comprehend and care about the uniqueness of -one’s mate, is a chief prerequisite for love. - -If the frigid woman did not explore her irrational feelings in the -manner I have described, any objective information about men, learned -from whatever source, would be useless. Her _hidden_ feelings about -men would still dominate. Now, however, with the hidden feelings up -and out, she is ready to hear more about men as they really are, to -contrast the reality to her projection upon it. We shall take that -latter step in the next chapter, but before we do there is another, -further insight into one’s feeling, which it will be very helpful to -achieve. - -Women who suffer from frigidity often have, in addition to negative -feelings toward the male sex, another very marked characteristic. -They are subject to powerful _fantasies_ which militate against the -recovery of their lost sexuality and their psychological maturation. -It is extremely important that these fantasies be ruthlessly explored -and exploded. If they are not, they serve the unhappy function of -preserving the unhealthy conviction that one deserves a far better fate -than that of being a beloved wife and mother. - -Such fantasies are often half hidden from view, just as are one’s -negative feelings about men. They are daydreams left over from -adolescence or earlier. Their destructive power derives from the -fact that the daydreamer either still believes that the dreams are -realizable or that she could have achieved them if her husband and -family had not prevented her from doing so. - -It is amazing how powerful and persistent these fantasies can be. They -generally spring from an early desire to become an actress, a dancer, -or a concert artist. However, they may also express wishes to become -a doctor, lawyer, athlete, diplomat, or whatever. Their impossible, -Walter-Mittyish character is blithely ignored by the daydreamer. I -have had frigid women of forty and even fifty who still, just beneath -the logical, sound surface of their minds, still believed that someday -(tomorrow perhaps, next year certainly) they would go to acting school -and soon obtain leading roles in a Broadway drama, or resume their -piano lessons and become famous concert artists. - -Such fantasies derive their power from the fact that the daydreamer -feels unable to deal with reality. Since a woman who is frigid _is_ -dealing with her real-life situation in an inadequate manner, it is -not strange that she should hold onto such fantasies with passion. -They protect her from her feelings of inferiority. What matter, says -her unconscious mind, if you are unable to love, what matter if your -husband exploits you, attempts to enslave you. Tomorrow--someday, at -any rate--you will show them all that you are beautiful, glamorous, a -great performer, or doctor, or lawyer, or Indian chief. - -The frigid woman should approach such fantasies in the same manner as -she approaches her negative feelings toward the male sex. First she -should let the fantasy have full play. She should allow herself to -imagine herself as impresario, doctor, whatever fantastic dream her -unconscious has fixed on. Let the daydream roll on and on. Note its -magnitude, its grandiose quality, its glitter and its glamor. - -When all the details of the fantasy have been experienced, allow -yourself to imagine what life would be like for you if you were _never_ -able to realize any single aspect of this daydream. If you feel -depressed by such a prospect, if the contemplation of life without -the possibility of realizing such a dream of glory seems empty, you -have had an important experience. You have taken your fantasy’s full -measure. You now can get some idea of what an important part it plays -in your emotional life. - -Do not be afraid of the depression, the feeling of emptiness that -will come with your first conscious attempts to free yourself of your -fantasy. It can be the beginning of a far richer emotional life than -any which depends on an unrealizable daydream. Therefore, persist for -a few days in imagining what life will be like if you do not ever -realize your daydream. Please notice that your depression does not go -beyond a certain depth and that it is not incapacitating; also note -that your feeling of deprivation is not unendurable. - -I am not using auto-suggestion in these last remarks. A persistent -daydream has certain characteristics in common with a drug or alcohol -habituation. The daydreamer has, over a long period of time, learned to -handle reality in terms of her drug--her deep-seated daydream. Without -realizing it she has come to feel that, without this psychological -narcotic, life would be impossible. She must, in a very real sense, -wean herself from it, gradually realize that life without it is not -nearly so dreary, so difficult, as she had imagined it would be. - -The next step in this process is to explode the daydream entirely. This -can be done with a few pinpricks of cold logic. Most people, realizing -that such daydreams, formed in the heat of youth, have no function in -reality, have long ago given them up in favor of living as passionately -as possible in the present. The frigid woman, however, having a reason -for keeping them alive, has never scrutinized them in the cold light of -rationality. - -I know of one woman who, at the age of thirty-eight, with three -children under fifteen years of age, still felt she could become a -dancer. As she looked more closely at this conviction she became -increasingly surprised at how seriously she really took this fantasy. -At length, when she felt really ready to face sacrificing her lifelong -fantasy, she wrote a list of facts and questions. I present them here. - - 1. To become a dancer I would have to study the dance for a minimum - of five years; during that time I would have to practice dancing for - about eight hours a day. Could I take this discipline? - - 2. If my mind were able to take such discipline would my body be able - to stand up under such arduous work? - - 3. If I were able to arrange it would I be willing to give up my daily - contact and relationship with my three children? - - 4. If I overcame every obstacle and became a well-known dancer, - achieving my wildest dream of success, I would have to go on tour for - at least eight months of the year; this would mean separation from my - husband and children during that time. Do I want this? Even if I do, - could I take it emotionally? - -The answers to these questions were obviously passionate noes. And -the result of such a common-sensical examination of her long-standing -fantasy was, at long length, freedom from it. - -It will not take much logical thought to dispose of your daydreams, -thus clearing the way to a life in the passionate present rather than -in a mythical future. Ask yourself the kinds of questions indicated -above and give yourself honest answers. - - * * * * * - -In giving the case histories of women suffering from the various forms -and degrees of frigidity, I have described to some extent the early -origins of their problems. I should now like to raise the question of -just how much knowledge of one’s early, often buried, experiences one -must uncover to achieve feminine maturity. - -In my opinion, the majority of women suffering from frigidity do _not_ -have to go into the matter of their childhood experiences to any extent -at all. The evidence that their childhood experiences were traumatic to -some degree is contained in the fact that they do have problems in the -present. It is always the immediate problem about which people develop -their deepest and strongest emotions. The technique of “feeling” one’s -way through one’s problem is, as I have said, the method that really -works with frigidity; it is one’s present emotions, therefore, that -constitute the major material of one’s self-examination. - -Actually understanding present feelings and attitudes reveals the past, -for it was in the past that these attitudes were established; they have -changed very little since their inception. - -Why, then, did I go into the detailed childhood development of -frigidity in my case histories? For the same reason that I gave all -the other objective facts about frigidity before we approached this -section. The more conscious knowledge one has of the entire problem -of frigidity, the more one dares to face up to the responsibility for -one’s own problem--and the more one is _able_ to face up to it also. -For knowledge can free one of the ignorance and superstition upon which -resistance to achieving psychic maturity is based. - -I am not, on the other hand, holding that there is any fundamental -objection to a scrutiny of early experiences or to helpful speculation -about them. Sometimes, as in the case of an early seduction, or a -rape that is remembered, early experiences can throw a therapeutic -sidelight on one’s present feelings. However, the myriad details that -go into the formation of everyone’s personality while growing up can be -confusing if one tries to understand them all without the help of an -expert guide; and it is not requisite for recovery to understand them -all. So if self-examination of one’s early experiences does not seem to -be immediately helpful, I would abandon it entirely; I would confine -myself to a “feeling through” of my problem in the present, undoing the -harm the childhood attitudes are still causing in the here and now. - -The steps for achieving insight into one’s negative emotions which I -recommend here are the most difficult steps one has to take on the road -to maturity. If you can take them, the hardest part will be over. The -remaining part of the process of recovery occurs rather naturally, is a -matter of acquiring more information, allowing new feelings to grow and -expand inside oneself, accepting guidance past a few possible pitfalls. -You will see what I mean as we continue in the following chapters. - - - - -_Chapter 15_ - -THE MALE SEX: A NEW HORIZON - - -The self-exploration described in the last chapter results in the -surfacing of hidden feelings, attitudes, and fantasies. Getting them -up and out, exposing them to the bright light of reason and judgment, -clears the psychological atmosphere almost miraculously. - -The next most helpful step to take, I have found, is a re-evaluation of -the male sex. The woman who suffers from frigidity has, by definition, -very little knowledge of what men are really like. Since her attitudes -toward men were formed in her distant past and have altered little -through the years, she has a child’s-eye view of men. To her, as -parents to a child, men are powers, not people. Projecting her own -childhood fears and hopes and needs upon them, she has been calling -that reality and acting accordingly. - -This next step, the conscious revaluation of men, can be achieved by -learning what the male sex is really like--how it differs from the -female sex, what makes men think, act, and feel the way they do in -everyday life--and by contrasting this knowledge with the negative -attitudes and feelings she has now brought to the surface of her mind. -In this way she will soon learn to understand her husband _as he is_, -and thus achieve the ability to love him in all of his uniqueness and -individuality. - -The central characteristic of the male, and the one that most clearly -differentiates him from the female, is his aggressiveness. - -In the sexual sphere this shows itself most clearly in the fact that -the man takes, for the most part, the initiative in wooing. He it is -who is the pursuer, the girl the pursued; he it is who proposes and he -it is who initiates sex. - -An analogy to this fundamentally aggressive activity of the male in -relationship to the female is seen, in a primordial biological form, by -the function of his sperm. As you may know, the individual spermatozoon -is an individual cell which is propelled by a microscopic tail. -After the deposit of spermatozoa in the vagina, the individual sperm -_actively_ seeks out and joins the ova, which has been _passively_ -waiting for it. This physiological metaphor, according to certain -leading theoreticians, well expresses the fundamentally aggressive -nature of man in relationship to woman, psychologically as well as -sexually. - -The male’s aggressiveness is, in general, directed to mastery of the -outside world. It shows in him from his earliest years. The sports that -he selects have to do with physical aggression almost exclusively (of -course some girls also like certain aggressive sports at an early age, -but most give them up in puberty). He likes the sports in which he has -to run hard, to charge, to tackle, throw, and hit. In his adolescence -he will spend years in mastering skills that concern such aggressive -activity. A component of this aggressive desire for mastery is his -competitiveness with other boys. He wishes to be as good or better than -they are, to make his mastery known to the outside world. - -In the mental sphere, too, this basic aggressiveness is clearly -displayed. His chief passion is in mastering the outward environment -that surrounds him, in, to use a phrase from football, “throwing -it for a loss.” This desire leads him to become a scientist to -control-through-knowing some aspect of the world or even of the -universe. Or it leads him to become a businessman, wresting a living -from the competitive market place. Or it may lead him to become a -philosopher, aggressively probing the “why” of the world. Whatever role -he plays in life, he must use his aggression to master the environment -he selects as his province. - -Because of this basic thrusting aggression which largely defines his -role in life, a boy is generally given a larger amount of freedom than -a girl is. One reason for this is that the male role in life will -demand a great deal of self-reliance in the individual, and this has -been recognized by society. Men need the protection of the childhood -home for a much less protracted period than women do. - -In contrast to men, women have a much smaller store of aggression -directed toward the outside world. Their activity is largely directed -inward. Psychologically speaking, woman is, in a very real sense, -conditioned by her final biological function. At the very center of -her nature she is preparing herself for motherhood, and this fact -determines the main direction of her psychic energy. Her childhood -interests show this clearly. She plays with dolls, she plays house, -loves to be around Mother, fantasies marriage, is enormously curious -about all of her internal functions. She has, of course, a certain -store of interest and aggression which she _can_ direct outward, but -this characteristic becomes very secondary to her when inward or -outward circumstances do not force her to use it. - -Intellectually woman is also basically inward. Her most potent faculty -is her great intuition, her almost magical ability to understand -another person by consulting her own inward nature. This is contrasted -to man’s objective “intellectual” type of understanding. - -In describing the essential characterological structure of the male -and contrasting it with the female I am describing absolute types, -not people as they are. In actuality most men have a certain store -of passivity, of inwardness; and normal women have a certain amount -of aggression. However, the normal male will be preponderantly -outgoing and aggressive; the normal female’s psychic energies will be -preponderantly directed inward. - -As a direct or indirect result of man’s aggression and his commitment -to the outside world, in maturity he develops certain behavioristic -patterns that are diametrically opposite to female characteristics. -Inevitably the frigid woman will use his attributes to show that her -man has no interest in her, or is weak, or is withdrawn, or is cruel -and wishes to exploit her. Having no objectivity about men, she will -find in his differences from her further cause for estrangement, fear, -and hostility. - -Let me give some instances of these behavioristic differences in -everyday life. - -To the woman, the bearer of children and the nest-maker, the home and -everything in it are all-important. She invests her home with a great -deal of pride. She loves clean sinks, clean windows, clean floors. She -wants things in her nest to be neat and orderly; she has made them that -way and she wants them to stay that way. - -It will be very easy for her to misunderstand the fact that her husband -has invested a major portion of his pride elsewhere: in his work, in -his achievements in the outside world. The cleanliness and neatness of -his home he takes for granted. He may even be, by his wife’s standards, -seemingly antagonistic to neatness, actually sloppy, throwing his -clothes around, leaving the sink cluttered, forgetting to use the ash -tray, and what not. These things, of course, are not in themselves -pleasant traits, but the frigid woman will generalize about them, use -them to indicate her man’s essential indifference to her. - -He may also not notice a new rug or even a new chair in the house. He -may have very small patience with any household duties he is forced to -undertake: replacing a broken step or even a burned-out bulb. These -attitudes can be quite confusing to a woman, and if she has any motive -to do so she can easily interpret this kind of male behavior as further -evidence of her husband’s indifference to her and to the family. It is -not; when it occurs it is just male. It may be helpful to her to try -to imagine how long her interest in the details of his business life -actually hold her attention. The house is her business, and it is not -surprising that he behaves the way he does in it, nor is it indicative -of any lack of love in him. - -Another aspect of man that can be easily misinterpreted is the fact -that the male tends to be more sociable, likes to seek out and find a -vigorous and sometimes quite varied social life. This, too, is part of -his aggressive nature. A woman, though she may be quite gregarious, -is generally more content to sit at home, and her immediate circle of -friends is enough for her. The frigid woman may try to make much of -her husband’s aggressive sociability. She is not enough for him; he is -restless and dissatisfied, etc. - -The vigor and aggressiveness of a man during the course of a social -evening are also often misunderstood by women. He may on occasions -be quiet, but he sometimes wants to do a great deal of the talking, -may even, in his enthusiasm, raise his voice in a conversation. His -competitiveness may even embroil him in an actual argument, perhaps -a violent one. The woman likes things to run smoothly, to be utterly -friendly and tranquil. Her husband’s normal social aggressiveness can -appear to be rude and crude to her. It can frighten her. Afterward she -may confront him with it, accusing him of strutting, of showing off, -of cock-of-the-walk behavior. She is merely confronting him with his -maleness again. - -A very odd difference between men and women is the difference in their -reactions to pain and fatigue. Women have a very high threshold for -both, and most men have a relatively low one. If a woman gets a burn on -her hand she can stick it in butter or in cold water and go on making -the dinner. A man with the same burn could be completely incapacitated -for a while--and awfully angry at himself besides. The same is true -of all sorts of minor aches and illnesses that occur in the normal -course of events. Because of this difference in pain thresholds, men -tend to pamper themselves or want to be pampered when they have head -colds, headaches, sore throats, or other minor illnesses that a woman -might ignore. The frigid woman, of course, finds this difference a -rich mine to work. She can and does use it to taunt her husband with -his “weakness,” again showing her essential ignorance of and lack of -sympathy with the male nature. - -Of course sex itself remains one of the most fruitful sources for -resentment and misunderstanding in the frigid woman. Here male -aggression can be most clearly seen. The man is stimulated easily by -things that would not excite his woman in the least. He is susceptible -erotically to all sorts of sights, sounds, and odors. His wife -undressing may excite him; her perfume may excite him; he may become -aroused if she is looking wan or looking bright-eyed. The frigid woman, -not comprehending male reactions or their plural causes, generally -feels that his lust is unselective and impersonal. She takes his ardor -as an affront for that reason. - -In the sexual act the aggressive thrusting of the penis offends -too. As passion increases during the act, the strength of the thrust -increases, sometimes becomes quite a formidable series of pushes (one -of the slang expressions men use for intercourse is “a bang”). This -sometimes violent thrusting is a perfectly normal aspect of male -sexuality and to the normal woman is of course highly desirable. Frigid -women are frightened of it, experience it as an invasion of their -integrity, an act of hostility against them. - -Nothing could be farther from the fact. In his aggressive movements a -man is showing his love in his particular way, his passionate need to -lose his isolation, to rid himself of it, to join with his beloved. To -misunderstand this is to misunderstand all. - -Doubtlessly we could make a longer list of the characteristic things -men do and feel that anger or are misunderstood by women with a -frigidity problem. If you have started the form of self-inquiry I have -advocated you have made your own list and have felt strong negative -emotions about many of the items on it. - -But the point I wish to emphasize now is that the majority of these -negative emotions is caused directly or indirectly by man’s underlying -and most distinguishing characteristic--his aggression. It is this -trait that most clearly defines him, and it is this trait that is at -the root of the frigid woman’s anger, fear of, and feeling of rejection -by men. - -She is antagonistic to this aggression because she does not understand -it. Since she cannot understand or accept her own role, her feminine -nature, she feels that male aggression is opposed to her and she takes -every opportunity to prove to herself that this is so. His strength, -his ability to master the outside environment make her feel personally -nullified, a drab, a slavey. She endlessly contrasts his essential -quality of aggression with woman’s essential traits, to her detriment. - -Now if men _were_ out to enslave them, women would be very justified -in fearing, hating, envying man’s central strength, his aggressiveness. -But is he? - -A re-examination of this single point can put the whole basic attitude -of the frigid woman (once she has allowed herself to feel the negative -power of her emotions) back into proper perspective, to correct her -fundamental distortion of view. We can do this by looking at the single -most important thing men do with their aggression in our society. - -“All men have nightmares.” - -I heard a fellow psychiatrist say those words during an impromptu -discussion of male psychology recently, and the phrase struck me as -dramatically true. For the majority of men, when they come of age and -marry, take on an enormous burden which they may not lay down with any -conscience this side of the grave. Quietly and without histrionics -they put aside, in the name of love, most of their vaunted freedom -and contract to take upon their shoulders full social and economic -responsibility for their wives and children. - -As a woman, consider for a moment how you would feel if your child -should be deprived of the good things of life: proper housing, -clothing, education. Consider how you would feel if he should go -hungry. Perhaps such ideas have occurred to you and have given you -a bad turn momentarily. But they are passing thoughts; a woman does -not give them much credence; they are not her direct responsibility; -certainly she does not worry about them for long. - -But such thoughts, conscious or unconscious, are her husband’s daily -fare. He knows, and he takes the carking thought to work with him each -morning (and every morning) and to bed with him at night, that upon the -success or failure of his efforts rest the happiness, health, indeed -the very lives of his wife and children. In the ultimate sense he alone -must take the full responsibility for them. - -I do not think it is possible to exaggerate how seriously men take -this responsibility; how much they worry about it. Women, unless they -are very close to their men, rarely know how heavily the burden weighs -sometimes, for men talk about it but little. They do not want their -loved ones to worry. - -Men have been shouldering the entire responsibility for their family -group since earliest times. I often think, however, when I see the -stresses and strains of today’s market place, that civilized man -has much harder going, psychologically speaking, than his primitive -forefathers. - -In the first place, the competition creates a terrible strain on the -individual male. This competition is not only for preferment and -advancement. It is often for his very job itself. Every man knows that -if he falters, lets up his ceaseless drive, he can and will be easily -replaced. - -No level of employment is really free of this endless pressure. The -executive must meet and exceed his last year’s quota or the quota of -his competitors. Those under him must see that he does it, and he -scrutinizes their performances most severely and therefore constantly. - -Professional men--doctors, lawyers, professors--are under no less -pressure for the most part. If the lawyer is self-employed he must -constantly seek new clients; if he works for an organization he must -exert himself endlessly to avoid being superseded by ambitious peers -or by pushing young particles just out of law school and filled with -the raw energy of youth. A score of unhappy contingencies can ruin -or seriously threaten a doctor’s practice, not the least of which is -a possible breakdown in his ability to practice. A teacher must work -long hours on publishable projects outside of his arduous teaching -assignments if he is to advance or even hold his ground. - -There is no field of endeavor that a man may enter where he can count -on complete economic safety; competition, the need for unremitting -year-in, year-out performance, is his life lot. Over all this he -knows, too, stands a separate specter upon which he can exert only the -remotest control. It is the joblessness which may be caused by the -cyclical depressions and recessions that characterize our economy. - -It is true; all men have nightmares. - -Few if any women could take the kind of daily strain and worry men -commit themselves to when they sign the marriage contract. And no woman -in her right mind would want to take it. It is true that many women go -into the market place, but most of them are waiting only for the day -that they marry, or they are already married. Those who stay of their -own free will are few and far between, and in my experience some have -proven to be difficult people in their family relationships, though -some of them are talented. Women are designed for duties different from -those of the market place, another kind of stress entirely, and lose or -tend to lose their essential womanliness if they stay by choice. - -As women look at man’s characteristic of aggressiveness in terms of -the tremendous duties, daily struggles, and awful responsibilities men -must and do assume, they can begin to call up in themselves a different -emotion from anger or envy. They can begin to see how altogether worthy -of their highest admiration man is. Not just some abstract man, either; -the man they love, the man they have married, the man upon whom they -have been heaping their criticism, their jealousy and rage. - -Far from seeking to enslave our sex, to exploit us through his strength -and his aggression, man has put these two great and basic attributes -entirely at our service. It is (and always has been) this fact that -makes it safe for us to be women, to bear his children with a sense of -security, to rear them, knowing that he is there, always and forever, -earning our bread, watching over us ceaselessly, keeping his terrible -anxieties about us and our safety to himself so that we will not worry -as he does. - -Certain it is that boys are generally given their freedom a lot earlier -than girls. And it is also true that the quality of aggression in the -male makes him the wooer and the woman the wooed. I have yet to hear a -woman suffering from a frigidity problem who did not deeply resent both -of these facts. - -But now, looking at the end to which male aggression is directed when -it matures, can any woman honestly hold onto such resentment? When she -realizes that society instinctively grants him more and earlier freedom -so that he may develop the great self-reliance necessary to take on the -responsibilities of a family, she cannot validly hold this view any -longer. - -Nor can she hold onto her resentment of the fact that it is generally -the male who initiates the sexual act. For it is the same male -aggression which protects her, allows her to be wife and mother, that -makes him the wooer and she the wooed. Again, knowing how easily women -are distracted from sexual feeling by trivial upsets, by the small -things that occur during the day, imagine what would happen if women -had to take the male’s anxieties and yet be responsible for initiating -sex at night. Should such a reversal of roles ever happen to mankind, -the world would soon be depopulated. Women must learn to thank God -daily for the enormous energy and drive of their men. - -In terms of this lifelong commitment of man to the service of his wife -and family, let us take another look at the things in his conduct -which irritate women, or at least irritate women with a frigidity -problem, for now they begin to be understandable. Minor irritabilities, -cock-of-the-walk behavior, slackness, sloppiness, whatever--these -are either the outlets or the results of the accumulated tensions -of a man’s day. He will not tell you of the humiliations or defeats -or worries of his day in any direct manner usually. As his wife, you -must understand that these are the only remonstrances against his -hard and anxious struggle that he will permit himself. If you see his -behavior in this light it will be difficult to harbor any deep-seated -resentment against him; one can only wish to comfort him, to help in -any conceivable way to make his burden less onerous, his worries less -sharp, his nightmares less frequent. - -The espousal of this view of the male, the accurate one, can be another -great forward step toward femininity. Seeing her man’s aggression in -its true light, aimed first and foremost at procuring her safety, -happiness, and security, she can now dare to take down, one by one, the -precarious defenses she has maintained against him from the beginning -of their relationship. She sees that her husband’s wonderful aggression -actually defines her true role, makes it ever clearer and more -desirable to her. - -Let us now see how her altered attitude can ultimately affect her and -what she can do to hasten and further the process of change. - - - - -_Chapter 16_ - -THE NATURE OF SURRENDER - - -When the frigid woman, using the methods described in this section, -has divested herself of the destructive fears and false convictions -that have been left over from her childhood; and when, in all honesty, -she is able to view her husband with new eyes, knowing him to be the -hard-beset but loving human being he is rather than an abstract power -she had conjured up in his image--when these things are achieved, a -profound change begins to take place within her. - -This change is not a direct product of her conscious will. Forces which -have the character of a tide suddenly freed of long-standing barricades -now begin to move irresistibly within her. She feels a new potentiality -inside, intimations of an emotional richness she had not dared dream of. - -When such a process is loosed within a woman, we say that she is ready -to surrender; that, indeed, surrender has already started within her. -What does this mean? - -It means, in the broadest sense, that at long last she is prepared to -become a woman. It means that she is ready, indeed anxious, to yield to -her biological and psychological destiny. She has ceased to fear her -real role, mentally, spiritually, and physically; ceased to resist it -and ceased to resent it. Now she is ready to glory in it. She is ready -to love. - -When a woman is ready for this final step she no longer needs any -urging, any coaxing or coaching. Since this ultimate surrender to -her true nature is so natural to a woman, she is often not entirely -conscious of its varied manifestations. It is slow, cellular, tidal, -certainly unsubject to the conscious will. - -Though change is now largely going on outside one’s awareness, I should -like to emphasize, however, that this phase is very much a part of -the _process_ that was initiated with the first two steps--of airing -one’s emotions and fantasies and of revaluating one’s husband. We have -found that, for a woman whose whole mind and body are, for the first -time, taking the path nature intended, it is wise to be as conscious -as possible of the process that is going on within her. Many of the -feelings are new and powerful and run counter to much of what she has -experienced and believed in before. New convictions, new insights, new -prospects open up before her. This novel proliferation may be confusing -or even frightening. Therefore, the more she understands the nature -of her brave new inner world, the more thoroughly and swiftly can she -claim it for her own. - -For this reason I should like to urge that those who are trying the -techniques advocated here continue with the regular daily sessions I -mentioned at the beginning. At this point much of the mental activity -in such sessions with oneself will be a simple matter of _watching_--of -watching the process unfold in oneself, even of celebrating these -advances of the unconscious. - -In this role of constant observer, however, the conscious mind can -also be ready for more aggressive activity. Any tendencies of the old -pattern to reassert itself, for angers, fears, fantasies to come out -in new guises, can thus be noted and dispensed with before any real -damage can be done. Such pullbacks are not only possible but usual, and -it is well not to abandon the sessions with oneself until they have -disappeared entirely--or as entirely as they’re going to. - -The process of inner growth that follows when a woman is ready to -surrender to her real nature, we have found, traces a rather clear -pattern. Some of the new feelings overlap, but mostly they emerge in -a given order, each unfolding separately but related to the other as -petals to a bud. Let us take them in the usual order of their coming. - -As the woman who has suffered from frigidity explodes her groundless -fears one by one and explores a new attitude toward men, toward love, -toward motherhood, feels a new esteem for her husband--as all these -things happen, her lifelong _restlessness_ begins to depart. For -the first time she realizes just _how_ restless she has been, how -unsatisfied; she feels how precariously balanced her life, inwardly and -outwardly, has always felt. Now something deep within her relaxes, lets -down. When this happens she is beginning to experience the essential -attribute of all that is truly feminine, spiritual tranquillity. - -The arrival of this tranquillity, or even the arrival of intimations of -it results from the fact that she is really allowing herself to trust -her husband in a very deep sense. It means that she finally realizes -that she no longer has to fear or to oppose his strength, but that -she can now rely on it to protect her, to give her the secure climate -necessary for the full flowering of her femininity. - -Feminine tranquillity of spirit is a grace and a beauty of the first -order. It is the psychological cornerstone of the happy family. Based -on an abiding faith in the goodness and loyalty of her husband, it -emanates from a woman who has found herself and pervades those about -her, giving them unity and strength. The children of such a mother are -strong against the neurotic restlessness of these difficult times. The -husband of a wife who has achieved such tranquillity returns from his -work to his home as to an oasis, redoubles his loving efforts to make -her ever more secure. - -Because she can trust no man, the frigid woman’s approach to the -tasks of life has a difficult, painful, frenetic quality. She feels -responsible for everything; guiltily responsible. Details and trivia -overwhelm her. She has no unity and has to fight herself, her -resentment, her self-rejection to get the simplest things done--her -household work, planning the dinner, carrying and fetching the -children. Everything _looms_. - -With the development of the new quality of tranquillity those details -of life that once seemed so difficult become simple. And because they -are feminine tasks, household work, planning or getting dinners, -keeping the children busy or in line--whatever life demands--soon lose -their irksome and irritating quality and become easy, even joyful. - -As tranquillity moves over to serenity, becomes more and more a part -of her psychic character, a woman begins to realize what a miraculous -and wonderful thing womanhood is. Most frequently this realization is -ushered in by a sudden awareness of the miracle that her body is able -to perform: the miracle of childbirth. - -In her frightened heart the frigid woman has always detested and feared -her capacity to become pregnant. To her this faculty has seemed onerous -and burdensome, a curse. In pregnancy she feels trapped, sick at heart -and in body during it, increasingly frightened of delivery as the day -of confinement approaches. She views all this as woman’s burden; men, -those enviable creatures, are free of such a frightening duty. Indeed, -has she not heard that men use pregnancy as a technique of keeping -women subject to them! Thus she frets and rages and trembles, rejecting -her destiny. - -But with her new evaluation of her husband, the deepening of her sense -of security, and the growth of her tranquillity, all this childish -frightened protest against the miracle of motherhood washes away. Now -the scales really fall from her eyes and she feels the full meaning and -majesty of what it means to be a woman. - -What a privilege it is, she realizes, to be the carrier of the -race, the agent of its immortality. What fate could be richer, more -beautiful, more filled with wonder and with awe. - -I am not exaggerating the importance of this realization. Pride in it, -joy in it are the very most central characteristics of the feminine -woman. To me its highest expression is in the Madonna paintings which -the great Renaissance artists took, over and over again, as a major -subject. The Alba Madonna by Raphael catches the essential quality of -femininity, expresses it for all to see--and to revere. - -Now, with this realization, the last vestiges of her envy of the male -and of his role in life disappear. How, she may wonder, with this -marvelous capability of hers, inimitable by man, could she ever have -depreciated the role of woman, wanted what men have? - -At this juncture, or closely following on it, a woman begins to feel -her full power, the power that comes to her for her surrender to her -destiny. She now realizes that, far from being in a weak position in -relationship to man, her position is so strong that she must be careful -not to exploit it. One of the deepest and strongest psychological needs -of man is his poignant desire for immortality through his children. -She could deny him this, or she could make his life miserable while -granting him it. Or she can make it the most beautiful and meaningful -thing in her life and in his. - -What this new realization means to a woman was stated very beautifully -in a letter I received from a former patient. We had been able to -work only two weeks on her problem, for she came from a different -section of the country and could spend only that amount of time in New -York City. We worked quickly, and she had been able to surface the -hostilities to and misapprehensions about men that had plagued her -grown-up life. I had been able also to give her a thumbnail sketch of -the problems and changes she might encounter within herself in the -future--much as I have described them here. Within six months I had a -letter from her. It described the step-by-step process I have depicted: -the change in her feelings toward her husband, the incredibly swift -growth within her of the new and wonderful serenity. And then she had -come to the point where she realized with her whole emotional being the -miraculous nature of the female body and the feeling of power and glory -that it gave her. - - But [she wrote] this feeling of power was quickly followed by an - intense feeling of humility. I thought of how I held within me, within - my body, the power to bring him the greatest of joys; or to deprive - him of it. And then I realized the terrible thing it would be to ever - misuse this power. And now I felt really for the first time, despite - my former lip service to the idea, the reason why marriage must be - considered sacramental. The relationship between husband and wife - which results in the unsolvable mystery of birth goes far beyond - human understanding. To participate in this mystery really requires - a consecration by both. Any lesser attitude toward it is like the - laughter of mockery in a holy place. - -With this kind of acceptance of her central role, changes now come -rapidly to a woman. As she feels the unity of need and goal between -her husband and herself, any remaining contentiousness leaves her. In -the marriage, consensus now becomes her aim. She is no longer afraid -of losing an argument, fearful that she will be forced to do something -that is repugnant or humiliating to her, for she realizes that to her -husband her welfare is the dearest of all things. And, conversely, his -happiness and peace of mind become her first desire. - -And now she has tapped in on the greatest psychological joy of -woman--her capacity to give. If you remember, in an earlier chapter we -called this “essential female altruism,” a characteristic rooted in -every woman’s biological nature. Women who are really secure within -themselves and in their roles have an inexhaustible store of this -altruism. Frigid women fear this basic characteristic, feeling as they -do that men will exploit and abuse their desire to give. - -As she reaps the rewards of her new capacity to give of herself -unstintingly and fearlessly to her husband and her children, the very -appearance of a woman often begins to change. Drawn expressions relax, -anxious forehead wrinkles disappear, thin-lipped mouths soften. Indeed, -her whole body rounds and softens, taking on the look associated with a -tender and giving femininity. - -Physical difficulties often disappear. I have known women who had been -plagued with intense pre-menstrual and menstrual pains all their lives -to lose such symptoms in a matter of weeks. I have known women whose -irregular periods have become regularized. And I have also known women -with one or two desperately difficult pregnancies behind them who, -becoming pregnant again, went through the entire nine months not only -without discomfort but with a highly accelerated feeling of pleasure -and well-being. - -These, then, are the results, or some of them, that a woman who is -willing to give up the things of childhood and yield to her true self -may expect. The return on such an investment of self is enormous. It is -paid in the coinage of love returned for love given; love from one’s -husband and children, love from friends, new and old, attracted by the -endless largesse of the woman who has surrendered all to find all. - - - - -_Chapter 17_ - -SEXUAL SURRENDER - - -The ability to achieve normal orgasm can be called the physical -counterpart of psychological surrender. In most cases of true frigidity -it follows on a woman’s surrender of her rebellious and infantile -attitudes as the day the night. It is the sign that she has given up -the last vestige of resistance to her nature and has embraced womanhood -with soul _and_ body. - -The achievement of orgasm, usually, is the _last_ step in the process -of growing up. If one reviews in one’s mind the actual orgastic -experience it is not difficult to see why this is so. - -For a woman orgasm requires a trust in one’s partner that is absolute. -Recall for a moment that the physical experience is often so profound -that it entails the loss of consciousness for a period of time. As -we know, in sexual intercourse, as in life, man is the actor, woman -the passive one, the receiver, the acted upon. Giving oneself up -in this passive manner to another human being, making oneself his -willing partner to such seismic physical experiences, means one must -have complete faith in the other person. In the sexual embrace any -trace of buried hostility, fear of one’s role, will show clearly and -unmistakably. - -But there is even more to the psychic state necessary for orgasm than -faith in one’s partner and readiness to surrender. There must be a -sensual eagerness to surrender, in the woman’s orgasm _the excitement -comes from the act of surrender_. There is a tremendous surging -physical ecstasy in the yielding itself, in the feeling of being the -passive instrument of another person, of being stretched out supinely -beneath him, taken up will-lessly by his passion as leaves are swept up -before a wind. - -There can, it is clear, be no crossed fingers about such yielding, no -reservations in such surrender. As one thinks of it one can certainly -feel why, of all the steps in the process of yielding, of surrendering, -the orgasm should be last. To those who are moving toward it the -experience often remains for a time elusive because its very totality, -its uncompromising demand that the whole being be swept up in the -experience, remains somewhat frightening. - -Orgasm, as I have said, is the physical aspect of surrendering. -However, while there are similarities between the physical and the -psychological experience, there is also an important difference between -the two. - -The difference is that orgasm cannot be sought entirely rationally. It -will arrive when it will arrive, as the end process of a total change -in a frigid woman’s deepest psychological attitudes. It cannot be -sought separately or as an end in itself. Indeed, to seek it directly, -to wait upon it, to try to force it are the surest possible ways of -postponing its arrival. - -The idea that orgasm can be forced is typical of the thinking of a -frigid woman. We have seen that, because she is basically frightened, -basically mistrusts her husband’s love of her and her own femininity, -she has to feel that she is “in control” all the time. The trouble with -that standpoint is that in real orgasm a woman must be out of control; -must willfully, delightedly desire to be entirely so. - -The delusion that the orgasm can or should be sought as an end in -itself and not as the result of a deep inner change of the kind -discussed in the preceding chapters of this section has been fostered -by many of the books which have dealt with the problem of frigidity -or with the role or responsibility of woman in marriage. One recent -book counseled the conscious contraction of certain muscles during -intercourse, holding that this would heighten sexual pleasure. Other -books emphasize the importance of position during intercourse. Their -tacit or stated contention is that orgastic potency can be achieved by -mechanical means. - -The simple fact is that concentrating on one’s sensations during -intercourse, wondering if one is feeling the “right” feeling, can -destroy real sexual passion more completely than any technique I can -think of. We know this from scores of patients. Such a clinical and -objective attitude toward local sexual sensations merely reflects -the frigid woman’s need to be in control of a situation and her fear -of surrendering herself to her man. She can get little more from -this obsessive scrutiny of her sexual reactions than an even more -frustrating experience than usual. - -Is there, then, an attitude one can take toward orgasm before one -has achieved it? Yes, there is, and we have found it a helpful and -productive one. This attitude may be summarized in this fashion: If one -has truly pursued the goal of self-surrender, uprooting and exposing -attitudes left over from childhood and youth, the ability to achieve -orgasm must inevitably arrive. Until that time, and particularly during -intercourse, _one must put the matter out of one’s mind entirely_. - -The growth of a woman’s ability to have orgasm is a natural growth. It -has been impeded by her psychic attitudes; it resumes its development -when these attitudes change. It is as natural a move as the move -from winter to spring. Gradually she finds herself allowing her new -tenderness and concern for her husband to become a part of the meaning -of her sexual embrace. She sees and feels the pleasure her sexual -thawing brings him, and this process becomes circular, his increased -pleasure giving her more pleasure. And with his pleasure in mind she -now seeks out more and more those things that please him, and her -exploration leads inevitably to the discovery that what pleases him -most, outside of his own sensations, is her pleasure. This mutual -spiraling of feeling ultimately climaxes in her unconscious decision -to give him the greatest psychological pleasure of all, her total -surrender to the delights he can bring her. - -For many women the ability to surrender physically comes rather -swiftly; to others it is a very gradual process, as though the -unconscious mind needed to build up a reserve of reassurances before it -felt perfectly secure. In either case, but particularly in the latter, -they can be forewarned of one important thing: sexual thaw will not -proceed uninterruptedly; there is no straight line from frigidity to -true womanhood. I should like to explain this more fully. - -When, in the sexual embrace, a woman allows herself to experience more -pleasure as her physical sensations increase, a part of her unconscious -mind very frequently takes alarm and causes her to draw back from any -further immediate advance. - -If you stop to ponder this point you will find it readily -understandable in terms of our former discussions. The experiences -and relationships upon which frigidity is based took place a long -time ago, often in very early childhood. They occasioned fear in the -child, fear of sexuality, of surrender to one’s sensual impulses, or -powerful guilt. Now, as one starts to move toward a resumption of one’s -sensuality, it is almost certain that these irrational, buried fears -will try to reassert themselves. - -In most cases it is not necessary to uncover the childhood incidents -upon which these fears were based. If one will insist on pursuing -the techniques for inner change I have described here, these fears -will finally become inoperative in the sexual area. It is, however, -necessary to know that you _are_ experiencing such fears. Generally -speaking, they do not show themselves directly. A woman will not say to -herself: “That new sensual experience I had last night is causing me -alarm.” - -The fear separates itself from the sensual experience and expresses -itself indirectly. The woman may find herself once again becoming -quarrelsome, critical of her husband; old feelings of deprivation or of -inferiority may reassert themselves with apparently new vigor. And the -new sensual capacity may retire once more from view. The reason: the -old defenses are protecting one against the new femininity. - -Such anxiety reactions, I wish to make clear, should not give any -real cause for concern. Indeed, one does not have to analyze them or -to investigate them. One merely has to be _aware_ that they _are_ the -result of the new advance in sensuality, the new ability to surrender -oneself a bit more completely than formerly. Advance of this kind is -never lost in any final sense. - -Let me give you an example of a typical reaction to such an advance. -The patient was of the type I call the clitoridal woman. Her orgasm had -been exclusively clitoral. Together we had covered the ground that I -have presented in this section. She had been able to air her feelings -about men and about woman’s lot; she had corrected her view of men and, -in a very real way, had begun to view her husband with the eyes of a -loving woman. Then one day she came to me in great excitement. It was -unmistakable, she told me; during last night’s love-making she had -felt, for the first time in her life, distinctly pleasurable vaginal -sensations. - -But in the next session her attitude was entirely different. She had -had a quarrel with her husband over some trivial matter, and she -forthwith launched into the kind of tirade against men I had not heard -from her for several sessions. - -After letting her air her feelings, I pointed out to her the possible -connection between her new sensual experience and her regression to -her old defenses. She was incredulous and remained so until, a week -later, the episode repeated itself in its entirety: vaginal sensations -and delight, followed quickly by a quarrel and ill feelings toward her -husband. Forewarned, she was now on guard for such negative reactions, -and when they did appear, knowing their significance, she was able to -handle them, prevent herself from actually acting out her irrational -feelings by quarreling with her husband. - -In making the above point I do not wish to be misunderstood or -thought to be contradicting myself. I am not advising women to fixate -obsessively on their new sexual sensations. However, noticing such new -experiences will be unavoidable, and I am simply saying that it is -helpful to know that they may be followed by minor neurotic regressions. - -The above observations now lead me to a closely related matter which I -consider to be of central importance. - -In the move toward womanhood there comes a juncture in most cases -which can be called “the danger point.” When a woman is working with -a therapist on her problem, the danger when she reaches this point is -minimized by the fact that her therapist is aware of the problem and -can usually help her to handle it when it arises. If a woman is working -on her problem by herself, however, she should be strongly forewarned -of her potential reaction. - -This danger point generally comes when a woman who has suffered from -frigidity has at last allowed herself to experience orgasm for the -first time. Her immediate reaction is one of tremendous relief. But -this is almost always followed by the same kind of regression I have -described above; only this time the pull-back from her own advance and -from her husband is far more powerful. We have seen in some of the case -histories in the last section just how dangerous this period can be to -the entire relationship. Indeed, the wife may at this point precipitate -a crisis of such severity that the marriage itself is endangered. - -The form the difficulty takes is always individual; it is usually an -exaggerated version of the particular woman’s most typical neurotic -characteristic. If she is argumentative, she is apt to start a fight -of proportions heretofore undreamed of. If her tendency is to become -depressed, her melancholy can become very, very profound indeed. If -she is critical and carping, she can make Craig’s wife appear to be a -normal, healthy woman. - -I am not exaggerating. It is not impossible that many divorces are -caused by wives who, by the natural reassurance that marriage to a -tender husband often brings, have moved close to their true natures -all unwittingly. They achieve orgasm; and then, without the benefit of -any insight, the intense anxiety reaction sets in, causing a powerful -desire to flee from the frightening situation. - -The pull-back, of course, is caused by an exacerbation of early fears -brought on by the orgasmic experience. But again I must emphasize -that the chief danger during this period of reaction lies in the fact -that the woman sees no connection between her emotional upset and -the successful sexual experience she has just achieved. Why should -she see such a connection? Orgasm is what she has been consciously -waiting for, has it not? It would only be surprising if she did see a -connection between the two experiences. - -Her emotional outburst represents, at this point, an inner panic. -Consider this: in the course of growing up it took her years to -construct a defensive system against a feminine sensuality which she -had learned was dangerous or wicked. Though this defensive system (her -frigidity, her psychological rejection of men, etc.) had deprived -her of much, it had at least allowed her to feel secure in some deep -manner; she has maintained her defenses in order to hold onto her -feeling of unconscious security. - -And now, with orgasm, she feels all these defenses swept away in a -moment. She feels exposed, guilty, naked to her imaginary enemy, -tempted to surrender to him completely. In her panic she forgets the -advance she has been making, the revaluation of her attitude toward -men, children, womanhood. - -She cannot admit the irrational nature of her unconscious fear, even to -herself, so she represses it and creates an exterior diversion. Real -trouble is always an excellent defense against insight. - -In the case histories I have given of frigid women you will recall -that the discovery of true feminine sexuality within her often brought -a woman to therapy. In a sense the therapist, at the beginning, -represents a safe harbor, a protection against the woman’s frightening -femininity. Coming for help is, in part, a kind of flight in itself; a -search for a place to hide. - -When women do not understand the nature of their actions in such cases, -the flight can take a potentially harmful direction. I have known some -who “fall in love” with another man at this juncture. Others feel -that they have really discovered just how incompatible their husbands -are and think seriously of divorce. Still others develop somatic -difficulties, sometimes serious ones. I know two women who had had -tuberculosis during adolescence and who both broke down again during -this “danger point.” In both cases their disease had been considered -totally arrested. - -I realize, of course, that such reactions sound alarming to a reader. -However, my intention in stating the facts here is not to frighten -but to forewarn. There is nothing in _reality_ to be alarmed about. -Feelings are not reality. But a woman must be certain that she does not -act upon her feelings. The only danger is that she might. - -But, I am often asked, how can one cope with such fears, fears so deep -one does not even dare to let them into the conscious mind? The answer -is that, generally speaking, you do not have to cope with them in any -active way. They will pass. All you have to do is to sit tight, so to -speak. The unconscious will in fairly short order (a week, a month) -calm down. - -Reality, a good reality, can prove to the infantile unconscious that it -has nothing to fear. When one has quieted again, resumed the straight -line of progress one had been pursuing, orgasm will occur again. -This time the reaction of alarm is generally far less. By the third -and fourth times it has become virtually nonexistent. The neurotic, -defensive portion of one’s mind has then been permanently disarmed. - - * * * * * - -All frigidities are basically related. We could prescribe no general -approach that would be helpful if this were not so. However, I have -found that there are specific measures that can be of great value if -applied to the individual kinds of frigidity. Indeed, if these measures -are omitted, the return to full feminine maturity can be slowed down -dramatically or even stopped, at least on the sexual level. - -I must warn once again, however, that one should be careful to put -no reliance on these techniques if they are not combined with the -“feeling through” and revaluative processes I have described. With -this in mind, then, let us examine these measures that can be taken by -individual types. - -First let us look at the _masculine type_. As we have seen both in our -abstract description and in our case-history approach to this type, the -only method of gratification possible for this woman is clitoral. She -achieves climax through self-masturbation or through masturbation by -her husband. She has few if any vaginal sensations during intercourse, -and her orgasmic reactions are confined entirely to the clitoris. This -is so even if she is able to establish contact between her clitoris -and her husband’s penis in intercourse. In most cases vaginal entrance -of the penis is a matter of indifference to such women; to some it is -actively disliked. - -We have seen how women establish this erotic primacy of the clitoris. -Because of early fears connected with becoming women they have firmly -rejected the vagina. They have held onto infantile and pubertal -masturbation long past the point when it is normal for a girl to give -it up. - -Now, with a new evaluation of the meaning of feminine sexuality, with -a new tenderness and warmth toward their husbands available to them, -the time at length comes when it is possible for them to switch from -clitoral sensations to vaginal. However, the pathways for satisfaction -have been set up for many years, the “habit” of clitoral climax has -been deeply established. What should they do? - -We have found that, if the clitoridal woman wishes to achieve a more -mature form of sexual satisfaction she may be aided in reaching her -goal if she can give up the form of gratification she now employs. This -form of gratification still symbolizes an attachment to the earlier -form of sexuality. For that reason, of course, it is a defense against -the type of sexuality that stands for psychic maturity. The simple -decision to abandon the less mature form of gratification often -signifies a deep decision within a woman: the decision to take the -final step toward womanhood. - -On the other hand, many women experience the abandonment of clitoral -gratification as a keen deprivation and deeply resent it. In such cases -the resentment signifies that they have not sufficiently “felt through” -their childhood defenses against femininity. - -Obviously there are only two possible steps to take: one can continue -the practice of masturbation or one can examine the resentment that -is caused by giving it up. If a woman decides on the first step, -progress toward the goal of vaginal orgasm may be slowed down or halted -completely. - -If, however, one decides to examine the resentment more closely, using -the “feeling through” technique I have described, the bases upon -which the resentment rests may be discovered and disposed of, just -as resentments against men and against motherhood were disposed of. -Indeed, many of the same feelings, though now more specifically related -to sexuality, often come out. - -Let me give an example. A patient with a clitoridal fixation had worked -through many of her negative feelings toward her husband; she had seen -that these feelings had been based on an irrational envy and fear of -men and a depreciation of women. Her progress, however, seemed to halt -completely when she attempted to give up clitoral masturbation. - -All of her early feelings toward men returned, only now they referred -to the act of intercourse. Men were the lucky ones; they were on top. -Just as in life. Woman’s classical sexual position in our civilization -(on the bottom) was “degrading and humiliating.” It represented her -position vis-à-vis men in life. As in life, men were the ones for whom -irresponsible enjoyment was designed; no wonder they could enjoy sex so -much; and they couldn’t get pregnant; they didn’t have to menstruate, -etc., etc. - -She aired these irrational feelings quite completely and saw them for -what they were. She saw that they were a recapitulation, in sexual -terms, of the negative feelings she had expressed earlier toward -men. She realized, too, that her feeling that it was humiliating and -degrading to be “on the bottom” really showed her deep distress, fear -of, and underlying depression about what she took to be woman’s role in -life. - -The patient was rather surprised to see these irrational feelings -reappearing. However, because of her earlier work on her psychological -defenses, it was not too difficult for her to dispose of these negative -attitudes toward the sexual act and to integrate her positive feelings -about womanhood with woman’s sexual role. At that point she was not far -from achieving vaginal orgasm. Within a month or so she had achieved it. - -When a woman consciously abandons clitoral gratification in favor of -her search for a deeper and more abiding joy, the switch from clitoris -to vagina usually takes place gradually. I have known cases in which it -has happened rather quickly, but it is more frequently a matter of two, -three, or even more months. - -One further word on this type: the clitoridal woman may discover that -she cannot take the final step to vaginal primacy alone. She may need -direct and expert counsel. This should in no way discourage her. The -problem is a deep-seated one, but it almost certainly can be resolved. -If after a few months of trying to handle the problem alone one finds -out that too little progress is being achieved, I strongly urge that -outside help be sought (see Addenda I, page 260, for methods of -obtaining the correct kind of aid). - -I have heard the therapy for _total frigidity_ described as “a problem -in rerearing.” Recalling the case history of Patricia Agnew, one can -easily see why this phrase is so apt. The causes of this kind of -frigidity go back to infancy. Punishment for infantile masturbation -and/or an overly strong early fixation on the male parent causes the -child to repress her sexual feeling entirely. She does not go through, -in any complete way, the normal stages of psycho-sexual development; a -part of her, the sensual and sexual part, remains frozen in the bud. - -In my opinion, psychotherapy is frequently indicated when the frigidity -is of this total type. The sexual aspect of the problem is sometimes -too deeply seated for the individual to handle alone. - -However, I know of several women who, when therapy was not possible, -were able to make great strides toward truly feminine values and -behavior by adopting the procedures described in this section. Though -some of them were not able to achieve orgasm, the psychological change -they were able to effect in their personalities added greatly to their -general happiness and security in marriage. A few even were able to -achieve orgasm. - -For women with this form and degree of frigidity who wish to or must -attempt to approach their problem without outside aid, I should like to -point out that if general sexual development is resumed it will tend -to recapitulate the stages of psycho-sexual growth we have described. -Thus we find that when such women, through insight, are once again -able to experience sensual feeling they sometimes go through a period -of self-masturbation. Recall that this stage had been omitted in their -development. - -I should like to emphasize that, in terms of the final resolution of -her sexual frigidity, this masturbation is perfectly normal for this -kind of woman--just as it is contraindicated for the masculine or -clitoridal woman. The totally frigid woman is making up for phases -of development she had missed in growing up. Guilt feelings about -masturbation in such cases are harmful, and the ego of the individual -can be put in the service of overcoming such emotions. For those who -have moral feelings against masturbation it is sometimes helpful -to realize that modern scientific findings indicate that societal -prohibitions against it were partly based on insufficient and incorrect -information. It was believed for centuries that pubertal or infantile -masturbation was harmful physically and mentally. It has now been -clearly demonstrated, however, that the only harm of any kind that can -come from masturbation is the psychological harm that is caused by -guilt feelings connected with it. - -The fact is that, in attempting to establish her lost sexuality, -the totally frigid woman may be helped by encouraging, any -sensuality, however meager, she may discover in herself, whether it -is psychological or physical. The sensuous feelings engendered by -sun-bathing, of the press of the earth under one when lying down in a -field or under a tree, the soft beauty of the moon on a hazy night, the -warmth and coziness of a fireplace as the rain beats upon the roof--if -she will allow her body and mind to enjoy these kinds of things, they -can help to awaken her dormant sensuality, can help her to move back -from her dusty sensationless condition toward a reappreciation of the -glory of the senses. - -Some women may discover (if they can consciously dispense with their -inhibitions or with a hindering sense of propriety) that they are -able to experience sensual feelings of a moderately keen nature in -areas which are secondarily erotic. During our work together one woman -suddenly discovered that she enjoyed having her back stroked by her -husband. Another discovered that though she could not enjoy kissing -her husband if she was in bed with him she could if she remained -fully clothed in the living room. A third was able to respond quite -strongly to clitoral stroking if she had a drink of liquor with her -husband beforehand. In each case the sensual capacities described in -these women preceded their work with me. But it was only when they -realized that they possessed unexplored potentialities and that these -could be used to enrichen their sensual lives, to move them closer to -the ultimate experience of love, did they dare to take their first -tentative steps toward maturity. - -As we have observed, _partial frigidity_ includes those degrees of -frigidity that lie between total frigidity and normalcy. This includes -such a large range of sexual reaction (or the lack of it) that it would -not be possible to describe specific measures that would be helpful in -all cases. - -However, those who find they are closer to total frigidity on this -scale than to normalcy often discover that the general techniques just -described are helpful. Many of these, if they persevere, will find that -they will ultimately achieve orgasm without requiring psychotherapy. -Others, after determining the distance they can go on their own, may -wish to seek outside help. - -For those who lie closer to normal feminine sexual reactions it is -usually sufficient to persist in the techniques for self-discovery and -self-realization described earlier in this section. - -As we saw when we examined _psychic frigidity_, it seemed to be the -exception that proved the rule. Women of this type are able to have -orgasms that are apparently normal. But they cannot form a relationship -with any man that will endure. They frequently select ineligible men as -partners or, if by chance the man happens to become eligible, they will -then flee the relationship. If they cannot flee it they become sexually -frigid. - -We have found that women with this type of frigidity can help -themselves by denying themselves the easy gratification to which they -are accustomed. Their facile sensuality is a red herring used to -disguise their real fears from themselves. They can come to grips -with these fears only when they allow themselves to enter a close -psychological relationship with an eligible member of the opposite sex. - - * * * * * - -I have called the steps by which a woman moves from frigidity to -emotional and sexual maturity a “process.” Once really started, it -tends, almost by inertia, to complete itself, needing only a kind of -minimal guidance from one’s intelligence and a few specific facts. - -For the sake of clarity, then, let us review what the steps in this -process are. - -It is launched by the surfacing of negative emotions and fantasies from -which the frigid woman has been hiding. These emotions and fantasies -reflect an underlying attitude toward the opposite sex which is based -on early childhood fears and misunderstandings and which is seriously -affecting one’s ability to love. As the emotions are exposed to full -view they lose their power for harm, for it is only when they are -partially or totally hidden from oneself that their primitive force -is dangerous. When they are exposed to the light of intelligence and -judgment, their power over one can at first be greatly reduced and -finally can be disposed of entirely. - -When all or most of one’s negative daydreams and emotions have been -exposed, step two can be taken. This is a revaluation of the male in -terms of his real nature and real goals. We saw that his real nature -is basically aggressive, and one of his chief aims in life is to put -this aggression to work for his wife and family. Viewed from this -standpoint, man’s differences from woman are seen in their true light. -The frigid woman, from this revaluation, learns that she can now let -down her defenses, knowing that her husband, far from being hostile or -wishing to enslave or exploit her, is her loving ally. She sees that -his once-feared aggression is the very thing that makes it really safe -for her to be a woman. - -From this realization, on a deep level of her personality, the next -step follows naturally. She first achieves a tranquillity and then a -serenity she had not known before. This is followed by an acceptance of -and a surrender to her real role--that of a loving and wise wife who -glories in her womanly functions and in her man’s love. - -The last step was seen to be the achievement of orgasm as a natural -sequel to her psychological maturation. This part of the process we -saw was attended by a resurgence of early anxiety when orgasm finally -occurred. This anxiety caused a desire to flee from the newly acquired -ability to love. However, the only danger at this juncture was seen to -be the possibility that the anxious woman might act upon her fears. -Forewarned of this reaction, she is forearmed, and by seeking further -insights and waiting out the anxiety she will find that it will -gradually subside completely. - -These general steps, then, outline the process that can lead to -recovery. I can add little to them. I have seen this method work for -many women and I know of no other that will. - -Patience and faith are the prime requisites for emotional maturation. -Nobody can name the time it will take for any given individual to cross -the bridge to womanhood. But that most women can cross it, there can be -no doubt. Those who have gone before make that point ultimately clear. - - - - -_Chapter 18_ - -THE ROLE OF THE MALE - - -When a woman decides to cross the bridge from frigidity to mature -femininity her husband’s attitudes, feelings, and reactions can be -all-important. - -I said earlier that we have found that the man is rarely responsible -for his wife’s frigidity; that it developed long before he met -her. However, he must understand that, when she begins to assume -responsibility for her difficulty, responsibilities of a new kind are -thrust on him too. In the beginning at least, and contrary to what he -might expect of himself, he may not like these responsibilities at all. -He may find that he has a very negative attitude toward his wife’s -attempt to mature, that indeed he does not want her to. - -It is very necessary for a man to understand the elements that make -his role appear to him to be very difficult during such a period. In -a sense, if the project is to succeed, he must be as aware of his -reactions as his wife is of hers. - -What, then, are the main elements of his reactions? - -In the first place, the husband of a frigid woman generally has a -great store of repressed resentment toward his wife. This is quite -understandable, of course. He has been the chief recipient of her very -strong negative feelings toward life, people, love, and sex. - -As we have seen, the frigid woman has a strong tendency to blame others -for her difficulties. Her husband, doubtlessly, has received his full -quota of such irrational blame from her. He has also been the main -victim of all the other neurotic components of frigidity--the envy and -mistrust she has of the entire male sex, the endless complaints she -directs against her household duties, her general inability to handle -even the trivia of every woman’s everyday life with any grace or ease. - -In addition to her quarreling and complaints he has had to accept a -tremendous amount of emotional frustration. Frigidity does not permit -much honest or real interpersonal warmth, and the male has had to do -without a normal amount of affection. His sexual frustration, too, is -great. We saw in the case of the clitoridal woman just how laborious -and boring the act of love can become to the man. It is not necessary -to labor the point of how cumulatively bleak sexual intercourse with an -unresponding partner can become. - -All this (and more) that a man has gone through with a frigid wife -must have a very definite effect on him. He builds up attitudes and -develops defenses which allow him to preserve his equilibrium within -the framework of his marriage as it is. - -Some of these defenses are psychological, some external. - -The chief psychological defense he uses is a general withdrawal; he -pulls back from “caring” about the unhappy circumstances of his married -life. He may cease to react, either to his wife’s attacks on him or -to her general complaints. He may cease, too, to care very much about -the failure of their sexual life. His withdrawal from the problem -may be marked by actual sexual impotence with his wife. Or he may, -in response to his wife’s rejection of sex, take a purely mechanical -attitude toward intercourse, getting it over with as quickly as -possible, taking it like a hurried but necessary meal. - -His external defenses against his home life may be a withdrawal from -it. He may reorganize his social life around a men’s social or athletic -club, spending a great deal of time with “the boys.” He may take to -drinking at bars in the evening, forming a circle of cronies whom he -likes to be with. He may do any of a number of things that take him out -of his home in the evening and give him substitute pleasures. - -Now of course there is nothing the least bit reprehensible about -the erection of such defenses if one’s marriage and home life are -unsatisfactory. Indeed, such defenses may keep a marriage together by -allowing the man to get some compensatory pleasures out of life. - -One husband said just this in so many words to me recently. “If I -hadn’t taken a firm stand within myself,” he told me, “the marriage -would have broken up long ago. I simply decided that, if things were -to work out at all, I just had to pull back from her and not take what -she said to me seriously. If I went on believing half of the attacks -she made on me I couldn’t have lived with myself. And since sex was -no fun, what was there left between us? I’ve made up a social life of -sorts outside of the family for myself. At least I get a little fun out -of life, and since I’m not around mainly I’m not boring her so much and -she’s not boring me so much.” - -But the danger is that such defenses and such compensatory activities -will be held onto even if the marriage has been given a chance to turn -from a meaningless one into a deeply meaningful and joyful one. A -husband who wishes to help his wife in her struggle to become a woman, -who wishes to make a marriage where only the semblance of one now -exists, must now examine his attitudes with great honesty, courage, and -thoroughness. - -The way ahead of him at the beginning will not be by any means clear -or easygoing. The initial progress of his wife as she undertakes to -change is often barely perceptible. Why should he have any hope that -anything new, exciting, or beautiful could develop from such tentative -starts? And what motive can he develop to turn back, emotionally and -sexually, to a woman who has so often and so thoroughly rejected and -frustrated him? A very strong part of him feels that he has worked -out a precarious inner and outer equilibrium which at least keeps -this semblance of marriage from falling apart entirely. He generally -actively resents the demand on him to alter his attitude, to see his -wife through the inner odyssey on which she now wishes to embark. - -We have found that at such a juncture a husband is often helped to -alter his defensive attitude by seriously reflecting on the picture of -marriage and love he had when he first fell in love with his wife. He -should then compare that image of a relationship with the custom-staled -and defeated feelings he has now, compare his first hopes of creatively -shared lives with the empty realities of the present, the time-wasting, -essentially loveless activities he now engages in. - -Memories and thoughts of this kind can make him angry, the way a _man_ -can get angry, healthfully and aggressively; not at his wife, who now -wants to make up for all that has been lost, but at himself for his -passive acceptance and easy adjustment to a defeated life, a life that -has become a resigned and pointless existence. Such anger is good -because it can clear his inner atmosphere; it can start him back with -renewed resolution on the road to his real desires. For no man who -feels worthy of his manhood ever really accepts a half existence in -love of the kind I have just depicted. - -We have found, too, that such husbands can remotivate themselves if -they will contemplate the potentialities of womanhood toward which -their wives now consciously aspire. I have tried throughout this -book to show, in some of their variety, the magnificent and exciting -qualities that characterize true womanhood. I have shown how giving -women can be in their love, how supportive, how filled with deep warmth -and understanding. And I have tried to show how, in sex itself, there -is no responsiveness that can compare even remotely with that of a -loved and emotionally secure woman. If at this critical point in his -marriage a man can clarify what he really wants and then develop the -patience to wait for it, he will be most thoroughly rewarded. - -Patience is _very_ important. He will need all of it he can muster -for a time and, at certain points, he may have to remind himself -hard of the rewards at the end of the journey. He can, we find, be -greatly helped by having as thorough a knowledge as possible of the -psychological problems his wife will encounter in her hegira to -womanhood. - -I have shown that the path to feminine maturity is not a straight one. -The traveler will often become frightened of the very progress she is -making and for a short time will tend to pull back into her former -neurotic defenses. At such a point the husband must be very clear that -she has not pulled back for good. - -The critical period, as we have seen, in a woman’s forward march, -the thing that is apt to make her pull back most strongly and with -most anxiety, is her first encounter with real orgasm. However, the -husband must realize once more that this regression is temporary, too, -even though it lasts for several weeks or, in some cases, longer. The -solicitude of her husband at this point and the reassurance she gets -from the knowledge of his love can be the main factors in her final -victory over her difficulty. - -Many psychiatrists make it a practice to discuss with husbands, -whenever it is feasible, the importance of their role in the complete -recovery of their wives. It is a very rare man who, after such -discussions, cannot or will not mobilize his resources to aid his wife -and to see her through her hard struggle. And I know of no woman who -has won a victory over her frigidity who has ignored the fact that her -husband’s help was decisive. - -In addition to changing his defensive attitude toward his wife (or -perhaps searching for and recapturing his earlier feelings toward -her), in what other ways can a husband be helpful to his wife as she -struggles toward maturity? - -I would say that the primary virtue he should cultivate in himself is -sensitivity, particularly sensitivity to any advances or changes in her -manner of relating to him, to their children, or to friends in their -immediate circle. She is trying to rid herself of a lifelong mistrust -of men and fear of them. She is trying to dare to be soft, warm, and -giving. Every recognition she gets for her efforts will be like manna -to her. In many ways she is like a frightened child, and only total -acceptance can give her enough courage to advance further. - -Let me give a simple example of what I mean: The relationship between -a woman patient of mine and her husband had, in the course of their -five-year marriage, deteriorated sadly. In their courtship days -they had been in the habit of giving each other gifts, frequent and -personally meaningful gifts. But now, even on birthdays, they bought -presents “for the home” rather than for each other. - -During the course of our work the wife, one cold winter day, on the -spur of a tender moment, bought her husband a very bright yellow scarf -and presented it to him that night. I learned later from him that his -first impulse on receiving the gift was to laugh. He dressed most -conservatively, and the garish scarf was very much out of keeping with -his tastes. - -He did not laugh, however, realizing that the gift was an expression of -something new in his wife, that it showed a new concern for him and an -attempt to begin to show it. Instead he kissed her tenderly and wore -the scarf to his office the next day. When he came home that night he -presented her with a lovely platinum watch of a make he had once heard -her admire. “She looked down for a moment,” he told me, “as though she -were confused, and then she looked up at me and put her arms around -me and wept a very long time.” Those tears, of course, were the sure -beginning of a deep thaw. His sensitivity to his wife’s need at this -point in her life had been a decisive element, and her progress from -that point on was greatly accelerated. - -In counseling husbands to be sensitively attentive to their wives’ -needs during this period of change I must warn against one thing. -Insincerity or artificiality will not work at all, indeed could -actually be harmful. Women are deeply intuitive and can detect any -hypocritical attempt to manipulate them. It is not wise to try to -express love if you do not feel it. A man who cannot experience real -feeling toward his wife should put his main effort into self-inquiry. -He may discover that the anger and hurt that have built up in him -during the unhappy years that are past are too great to handle alone -and he may wish to discuss these intransigent feelings with a counselor -or psychiatrist. - -I know of one man who, paying lip service to the idea of helping his -wife, put in a weekly order at the local florist shop for flowers. When -in the next three months she had received “enough,” as she put it, “for -an elaborate funeral,” she begged him to stop sending them. - -Another man, having ignored any social life with his wife for -years, was told that she should get away from her household duties -occasionally. He suddenly insisted, therefore, on dragging her on a -round of night clubs and theater parties that would have exhausted -Elsa Maxwell. His wife was essentially rather shy and withdrawn and of -course resented this enforced and artificial approach to her real needs. - -Women rightly consider these kinds of gestures a mockery, an expression -of a latent hostility toward them rather than as an expression of love. -Of course women love luxury, going out, gifts--but only when they -express a sensitive awareness on the part of the giver. A rule of thumb -that works is to do what one feels but to refrain firmly from doing -what one doesn’t feel. Somebody once said that the proper mixture for -the real lover is 80 per cent male aggression and 20 per cent feminine -sensitivity. The formula has much to recommend it. - -One important thing that husbands and wives must learn to do is to -share their deeper thoughts, problems, and feelings with one another. -Over the years the general withdrawal of both partners has made -communication of any kind most superficial, and hope of any important -contact through conversation has been abandoned almost entirely. When -the wife has finally told her husband of her determination to attack -her problem frontally, the couple now have a new opportunity for -establishing deep lines of communication. If the husband can seize on -this new chance, divest himself of his lonely and habitual reticence, -he can help his wife and their entire relationship immeasurably. - -Everything may be discussed in such conversations, although one should -avoid any recrimination or “confessions” that would hurt the other. -Conversation about one’s emotional or reality difficulties, about one’s -loneliness, plans, successes, fears, and hopes, are deeply moving to a -woman. If a man can learn to share his real inner life with his wife it -will help her to realize once more the importance of the woman’s role, -make her know that she has her husband’s confidence in those things -that are of real importance to him. - -As I have pointed out, frigid women have little knowledge of what -men are really like. Basically they see men as “powers,” without -worries or fears. When they learn from their husbands’ own lips their -real feelings, these women are very greatly aided in changing their -underlying attitudes. - -One woman told me that her whole marriage-long conception of her -husband had been completely altered by one emotional confession from -him. She had told him that she had finally realized her frigidity had -been the cause of the problem between them and that she had determined -to attempt to change herself. He listened quietly as she talked and was -silent for a moment when she finished. Then he said in a low voice: -“I have been terribly lonely without you.” This honest communication -reached past all her neurotic defenses, informed her simply and -directly how important her decision was to him, how human and needful -the husband she had feared and rejected really was. - -It is in such real, such personal exchanges with his wife that a man -most often begins to reap the rewards his wife’s decision to change -will bring him. As he expresses himself more and her security in him -deepens, he begins to encounter the depths of tranquillity that have -always lain beneath her defensive exterior; he begins to feel her great -capacity to give him something that he has missed, missed terribly--a -companionship, support, and love that ask for nothing but to be needed. -In this way a new and profound mutuality develops and, cleared of the -fears that have impeded it, the real marriage between these two people -can begin to flourish. - -In the sexual aspect of the marriage, as in its psychological aspect, -sensitivity is also the key word for the husband who wishes to help his -wife. - -In every case of frigidity that I have encountered the sexual life -between husband and wife has, through the years, become an extremely -self-conscious one. The wife generally is acutely aware of every -genital sensation that she has or every sensation that she does not -have. Her chronic sense of failure is at the root of this hawk-like -attention to her reactions. Often this self-concern has been encouraged -by reading books that emphasize the mechanical aspects of sexual love, -giving her false hopes that somehow she is going to be able to solve -her orgastic problem if she can only get in the right position, make -the right movement, contract the right muscles at the right time, or -teach her husband the right techniques. - -Under such circumstances it is impossible for a husband not to react to -his wife’s hyper-narcissism. He tends then to put his awareness of her -experience ahead of his own enjoyment. This is one of the prime reasons -why the sex act for both of them has become anxious and dull. - -In sex one’s body can feel only its own raptures. Even the exquisite -sensation of giving the partner pleasure is psychological and, by -definition, important only when it heightens one’s pleasure, not when -it decreases it. - -It is very important, therefore, for the husband to drop his -self-consciousness about his wife’s pleasures or lack of them during -intercourse. In fact, both must start with a clean slate on this score, -take the healthy natural view that sexual sensation is a self-centered, -even selfish, matter basically. Overconcern for the other can rob it of -its lusty spontaneity entirely. - -This may strike a man as a new conception. In most books on married -sexuality the mutuality of the act is the point emphasized; such books -always speak glowingly of the pleasure one experiences in the other’s -reactions. When frigidity is present this “mutuality” can become a -mockery. - -A woman suffering from frigidity will be very relieved if her husband -will make a gentle but blanket announcement to her that she is to drop -her entire concern with orgasm until it happens. I have pointed out -before that this indeed must be her working attitude before she has her -first orgasmic experience. For a husband to affirm that this attitude -is also his can be a great reassurance to her. She will then allow -herself to really enjoy his “selfish” ecstasy without neurotically -fixing on her own localized sensations. Indulging the deeply feminine -role of _giving_ pleasure can be more exciting to her than any other -thing. - -Now a word about foreplay--in my opinion one of the most grossly -misunderstood words in the language. Many men, and women too, take it -to mean solely a duty-bound interval in which a man tries to arouse -a woman by physically caressing and kissing her. This mechanistic -interpretation is based on the oft-quoted statement that women are -slower to respond sexually than men and that it is the man’s duty to -arouse her. - -I think it is absolutely necessary for this particular conception -of foreplay to be expanded considerably where women who have had -a sexual difficulty are concerned. As we have seen over and over -again, frigidity in women is caused by psychological problems of a -very specific kind. Any exclusively mechanical approach to these -difficulties is foredoomed to failure. - -Husbands of women with a frigidity problem are well advised to consider -foreplay primarily a psychological rather than a physical matter. - -If you will recall the stages of development the growing girl goes -through, you will remember that they culminate in adolescence. During -that stage a long romantic dream prepares the girl for real love. This -dream of romance never leaves a woman. Foreplay is most successful when -it arouses these dormant romantic feelings. Woman is truly an incurable -romantic. - -But what does romance really mean to her? And how can the romantic -feeling be conjured up? - -Romantic feelings are aroused in a woman when she feels that her -husband’s entire emotion is fixed on her tenderly and lovingly. She -feels romantic when all the other goals and needs and duties of life -are for the time being relinquished. In such a situation she dares to -relax, to loaf and invite her soul, to concentrate on her deep belief -that love is centrally important, the thing that gives life its meaning -and its beauty. Every woman, at the heart’s deep core, wishes to give -all for love. - -Such a mood of romance cannot, of course, be bumped up suddenly, nor -can it be created by a man who feels cynical or abashed by it. To woo a -woman successfully, a man must believe in her dream of love and become -a passionate sharer in it. - -Certain things that remove a couple for a while from the highly -goal-centered activities of daily life help to create this romantic -mood. A housewife will respond to a luxurious evening out; putting on -an evening gown can separate her from her housekeeping, penny-pinching -view of herself, and the sight of her husband in a tuxedo can fill -her romantic cup to the brim. A few champagnes and dancing to a good -orchestra, and the magic is complete. - -Picnics together, too, can engender a deeply romantic feeling in a -wife. But of course the children should not be along. And the whole -thing should be carried off with a little style. Wine, a good one, is -a must, and the man should know beforehand of a fine and very private -spot for the picnic. - -I have known several women who have broken through the barriers of -sexual frigidity during ocean cruises. These seem to represent the -romantic circumstance par excellence, and a husband who can afford them -should add them to his loving calculations. - -In my opinion, husbands and wives should arrange their lives to get -some vacation time alone together. With even the best intentions the -duties and responsibilities of life close in on one, tend to take some -of the bloom off the rose. A week, a month if possible, alone together -can help to re-establish vitality and meaning in a marriage. - -The fact that a man has stayed with a woman despite her frigidity -and the problems it causes is a testament to the abiding love he has -for her. If he will forget his old despair now that his wife has -taken responsibility in the relationship, call on his real manhood -to reassert itself in helping her to her goal, his rewards can be as -bounteous as femininity can bestow. - - - - -_Chapter 19_ - -THE LORE OF LOVE - - -In this book, as you have noted, I have taken a firm stand against -any mechanical approach to love or love-making. This represents the -psychiatric view of love and is based on the premise that frigidity is -psychological in nature and that the resolution of it must be therefore -a psychological one. - -The mechanical approach is based on the premise that love-making is an -art or even a science that can be learned, as the piano or chemistry -can be learned. From the psychiatric view the so-called art of love is -instinctual. The perfectly free person, if one can be imagined, would, -if he loved and were loved in return, soon become a sophisticated -practitioner of this art with the barest of preparation. - -I recall an anecdote that illustrates this point. It was told to me -by a sociologist who was conducting a survey of married couples in an -effort to find the correlation between premarital advice and sexual -happiness. While questioning one healthy couple whose marriage was -obviously happy, he asked the husband: - -“And did your parents give you any advice?” - -“Yes.” - -“Which parent?” - -“My father.” - -“Did he give you a thorough briefing?” - -Pause. “Yes, it was brief.” Pause. “And it was thorough.” - -“What did he tell you?” - -“You want his words?” - -“Yes, if you like.” - -“He said, ‘Everything goes.’” - -However, such free spirits as this one are relatively rare in our -society. Usually more instruction is needed. Taboos against sexuality -have characterized Western civilization. The art of love, therefore, -seems to me to be largely the art of getting over societally induced -ignorance, superstition, and inhibition. - -Here’s how I view the matter. When through the methods employed in this -section or through therapy one has at length achieved psychological -maturity and therefore vaginal orgasm is no longer blocked, an -examination of some of the technical information about love-making can -be helpful. Before that point, such lore tends to lead to an inhibiting -self-consciousness. - -It is generally agreed by students of the matter that spontaneity in -sexual relations must never be lost. Married life tends to impose a -rather rigid pattern in all areas of living. Such routinization is a -necessity if the world’s work is to get done. For most people, for -example, it becomes necessary to breakfast every day at the same time, -in the same place, and in the same manner. If one allows this to happen -to sexuality one is imprisoning the unicorn, exposing love-making to a -loss of its magic. - -Variety is the spice that married love often needs, and it takes no -great effort to be various in love-making. It takes only a sense of -its importance and the knowledge of a few minimal facts. - -One method of preserving spontaneity is to prevent love-making from -always occurring at the same time. Evenings in most homes tend to -follow a pattern. Supper must be cooked, dishes must be done, children -must be put to bed. And then there’s television or guests. I have had -many men and women defend the proposition that, since love-making tends -to make them sleepy when it is finished, the last moments of the day -are by necessity the time for love. - -But this is making convenience a necessity. And love is too beautiful, -too centrally important to be domesticated so. If it can laugh at -locksmiths, it can also, once every week or two, laugh behind locked -bedroom doors. Children have homework to do or a television program -to watch, and anyhow, it is good for them to realize that Mother and -Father spend some time alone and love to. - -Dishes can wait occasionally, too, at least in the name of love. And -a television program is rarely so good or demanding that a delicious -sleepiness won’t improve it. - -Desire often arises unbidden and for no apparently rational reason. Men -are more subject to outside stimuli than women and are perhaps more -uninhibited, so the inception of love-making at unroutine times may -most frequently originate with them. But women, too, when they feel the -urge should realize that they can initiate a passionate interlude and -should not prevent themselves from doing so. It is proper and good that -a woman should do this. And her husband will love it. - -I am assuming that the partners in such delightfully off-hour trysts -are sensitive to each other’s responses. What every man and woman must -realize is that it is perfectly all right to say no if one is fatigued -or preoccupied. But the nay-saying must be gentle, and if it is so and -the partner who makes the advance is hurt, he or she must examine the -rejected feeling, take full responsibility for it, and dispose of it. -Holding onto such feelings causes one to fear making advances, and -this will deprive the relationship of one of the best techniques for -maintaining spontaneity. It is insensitive and unloving to force a -partner by sulking or other forms of psychological blackmail to satisfy -a need. It is far easier for the ardent one to wait; the time will come -soon enough; the fact that you have announced your desire has a delayed -reaction on your loved one. - -Waking in the middle of the night, many men find themselves prepared -for love-making, the penis firmly erect. And many women love to be -awakened from their sleep to find themselves mistily, dreamily in the -embrace of love; the body on waking is often very sensual. - -Changes on the time for love can be rung in a variety of ways, and it -is advisable to see that they are. Not too much effort is necessary; -the hour at the end of the day when one is preparing for sleep will -still remain the basic time for intercourse. It will need but an -occasional switch in time to keep this customary trysting hour from -losing its quality of ever-renewed excitement. - -Another and perhaps even more basic technique for preserving the -spontaneity of sex is that of varying the position used during -intercourse. In most relationships one preferred position generally -evolves. If this position is always adopted, the feeling of a -monotonous repetitiveness can enter the love situation, and this must -be guarded against. - -This fact has been recognized from earliest times, and efforts to -combat it have given rise through the centuries to a vast number of -books on the subject. Hindu, Greek, Roman, and Persian literature -record hundreds of sexual positions and animadversions, and if one -has a library of erotica available and is sufficiently curious these -positions may be studied. However, such a proliferation of detail can -become exhausting and even morbid and absurd--though perhaps gaily -absurd. Most of the modern books which dispense direct sexual advice -obtain their material from these ancient sources. - -There are only five basic positions which have real relevance to most -couples. I am going to describe them so that when you encounter them or -wish yourself to change from your usual position you will not feel that -they are strange, awkward, or so exotic as to cause you feelings of -shyness, embarrassment, or guilt. - -The first position, of course, is the ventro-ventral (or face to face) -position, with the man on top and the woman on the bottom with her -knees up. Not even the most puritanically reared person will demur at -this position, for it is the classical sexual position used in our -society. - -It is, if used properly, perhaps the best position for sexual union. It -allows for deep penetration of the vagina by the penis, and because it -leaves the pelvic regions of both partners free, it allows for variety -in sexual movement, though the man has more freedom of movement in this -position than the woman. - -There’s an old but apt joke about this position. A young chorus girl -asks an older one what her definition of a gentleman is. The older one -promptly replies: “One who leans on his elbows.” Men should remember -that this fact can be pertinent. The full weight of the heavy man can -be quite tiring even to a very passionate woman. - -A pleasant variant of this position can be achieved if a pillow is -placed under the buttocks of the woman before intercourse. If it is -placed a little toward the small of the back, those women who receive -preliminary pleasure from friction between the clitoris and the penis -will find the contact easier to effect. If it is placed a bit forward -it will be very exciting to those who get a great deal of sensation -from pressure of the penis against the posterior walls of the vagina. - -Generally in this classical position the woman simply spreads her -legs and raises them (lying with the legs straight down makes vaginal -entrance difficult for the male). Those who enjoy stimulation of the -posterior vaginal wall may lock their legs around their partner’s hips. -Those who in the initial stages of intercourse are most aroused by -clitoral stimulation may close their legs; in this position the man is -half kneeling, straddling his partner’s hips. This latter position is -not too comfortable for the man if it is maintained for long. A less -arduous position for the man is achieved if he straddles one of his -partner’s legs and enters the vagina at a slightly oblique angle. This -allows the woman to close the leg that is free, which gives maximum -contact of all portions of the vulva with the penis. - -The next major position reverses the top-bottom roles. The woman, in -this variant, is on the top, the man on the bottom. - -Many couples feel inhibited about this position. The man will often -feel “feminized,” the woman “masculinized.” Such relativistic concepts -of what is male and what is female could actually have any application -only if this were the chief position in which a couple had intercourse. -And even this fact could be altered by circumstance; for example, the -woman might be physically very small and the man very large and heavy. - -This position is adopted either as a spontaneous change for variety’s -sake or because the woman may be feeling far more energetic than the -man at the moment; the partner on top, of course, does the major -portion of the moving. Psychologically this position can represent an -expression of tenderness on the woman’s part. If her husband feels -sensual but fatigued, she can give him pleasure without making it -necessary for him to develop the usual amount of male aggressiveness. -Such a passive role can be exciting to a man on occasion, and he should -allow himself to indulge it. - -In this position the woman may straddle her husband’s hips; this -occasions very deep penetration, and may be particularly pleasurable -because since she is in charge she may feel freer to exert more than -the usual pressure of the penis against the cervix. In this position, -too, she may lie on top of her husband, her legs supported by his, -or she may lie between his legs. In these two latter positions the -clitoris can be brought into very close contact with the penis, and -this is of course very pleasant for women who become aroused in this -fashion. - -Another alternative for love-making is the face to face and sideways -position. In this position, since the woman is generally the lighter of -the two, one of her legs is placed over the man’s hips; this allows him -to insert his penis at a slightly oblique angle. Pillows for head and -shoulder are generally necessary if this position is maintained for the -entire intercourse. - -The next position is the dorso-ventral position, in which the -man’s penis enters the woman’s vagina from the back. If the entire -intercourse is performed while lying sideways, this is perhaps the most -“restful” of all positions. For obvious reasons it is sometimes the -preferred form for intercourse during pregnancy. - -This position is often extremely exciting to a man. I do not know -exactly why this is so, though it has been suggested that the -position suggests the “animality” of pure lust. And this idea could -be stimulated by the fact that the position is the familiar one that -animals take. Or perhaps the fact that the partners are not face to -face may remove some of the personal factor from the sexual embrace, -giving it a more primordial and impersonal character. This may be the -reason men may find it more enjoyable than women, their sexual natures -being, as we have seen, somewhat more deeply rooted in their biology -than the woman’s sexual nature. I must emphasize, however, that these -ideas are merely speculative. - -The dorso-ventral position can also be assumed with the woman kneeling, -or standing up and bending over, supporting herself against a chair -or wall with her hands. It can be achieved less athletically if the -man sits on a chair and his partner sits on his lap, although this -obviously allows for less movement by both. - -The last general position I shall describe here is the standing -position. It is a particularly arduous position for the male; he -generally must bend his knees slightly to enter and must hold onto his -partner’s buttocks to maintain entrance. - -I think these are the major sexual positions which it is relevant to -know and to adopt when the mood is upon one. Most of the “hundreds” of -others described in the literature of antiquity are subtle variations -of these and have no particular application to the love-making a -modern couple might engage in. Indeed, I think it is apparent that any -excessive preoccupation with such nuances could indicate a morbidity, -may be a confession that the person, far from having achieved sexual -maturity, is in some profound way impotent. - -There is one further point I should like to make about these positions. -While men can usually have an orgasm in any position, many women, if -not most, achieve it most completely and satisfyingly in one favorite -position. This is perfectly consonant with full psychological and -sexual maturity, and one should in no wise feel the slightest bit -apologetic about it. It is absolutely advisable to make this fact known -to one’s partner in love. He will, of course, if you are both feeling -positionally experimental, return to the position you prefer when you -are ready to have your climax. - - * * * * * - -A psychiatrist is asked a wide variety of questions about sexuality -by his patients. Here are some of the more frequent areas about which -individuals seem to wish further information: - - -(1) _Frequency of intercourse_ - -There are no rules whatever about this, though suggestions about what -is “normal” have been made from earliest times. Mohammed the Prophet -stated that once a week was best; Martin Luther found that twice a week -“does harm neither to her nor to me.” - -In these days of sociological studies there have of course been endless -attempts to find the statistical norm for frequency of intercourse. -The Margaret Sanger Research Bureau in 1933 released figures showing -that, of ten thousand cases investigated, sexual intercourse occurred -from one to three times per week--4 per cent had intercourse one or -more times daily. Kinsey found that frequency depended greatly on the -age of the husband; men between twenty-one and twenty-five showed an -intercourse rate of just over three times per week; those between -thirty-one and thirty-five showed a frequency rate of a little more -than twice a week; those aged forty-one to forty-five had intercourse -on an average of one and one half times a week; and men over fifty-six -averaged less than once a week. - -These studies, of course, always show wide variations in individual -cases. - -In my opinion frequency of intercourse is entirely an individual -matter. The only criterion of any importance is that both partners feel -completely satisfied with the amount of intercourse they are having. -If one of the partners is dissatisfied, the subject should be open for -discussion in a very frank manner. No cause for feelings of rejection -by a partner should be allowed to develop in silence. - -There will always be periods in which, because of exterior -circumstances (pregnancy, business worries, sickness, etc.), the rate -of intercourse in any marriage may slow down or stop for a while. - - -(2) _Variations in woman’s sexual desire_ - -There are such variations, as far as most of the research undertaken -so far can determine. Katherine Davis, in a study of one thousand -married women, and studies by Marie Stokes, Therese Benedek, and others -indicate that the desire of women vary during the menstrual cycle. -According to Hannah and Abraham Stone, who have made a study of a -large number of women, “Most … state that their erotic impulses are -increased either a few days before the onset of the menstrual flow or, -more usually, right after menstruation, although the latter rise may be -partly due to the abstinence which is generally maintained during the -menstrual week.” Stokes reported also a second rise of sexual desire at -some point in the middle of the menstrual month. There are apparently -individual differences in the cycle of desire, and a woman can best -determine for herself her own particular rhythm. - -There is much to be learned about this matter. The relationship between -hormonal secretion and female sexuality and “femininity” has been most -recently studied by Therese Benedek in her book _Psychosexual Functions -in Women_. This is a technical book, but anyone interested in this -aspect of the subject will find the material fascinating. - -As far as can be determined, there is no corresponding cycle of desire -in the male. - - -(3) _Length of intercourse_ - -This is entirely an individual matter. It varies with each couple and -often with each intercourse. Indeed, this variability in time can add -to the spontaneity factor in intercourse. - -There seems to be only one basic rule governing the length of time; to -see that the other partner achieves orgasm if it is desired. This often -means that the husband must postpone his climax until the wife achieves -hers. Most men are able to learn to control the moment at which they -reach orgasm and therefore can wait until their wives are ready. - -Orgasm in unison is widely held to be the most desirable form of -climax. However, I have had many people of both sexes report that they -preferred to reach climax immediately before or immediately after their -partners. Some say that they are distracted by the other’s movements -at this juncture. Others say that they profoundly enjoy the partner’s -excitement and that they prefer to have a modicum of ego left to -experience it more completely. - -Some women have two or more orgasms to their husband’s one. By far the -majority of men have only one orgasm per intercourse. If on occasion -a man has his ejaculation before the woman achieves her climax, she -will often continue her movements until she is satisfied. However, -the glans penis (head of the penis) of many men becomes extremely -sensitive immediately after orgasm, and in that case the woman may have -to postpone her satisfaction until the next time. If she continues her -movements it may cause her husband to have unpleasant sensations, even -though he may still have an erection and thus appear to be able to -continue. - - -(4) _Limits to love-making_ - -I am often asked the question whether any sexual practice between -husband and wife could be considered “unhealthy” or “wrong.” In my -opinion, certain practices could be considered so, though I know I am -at variance with certain sexologists. A long discussion of the matter, -however, would take us into psychological and even perhaps moral realms -which I do not feel are pertinent to this book. As a rule of thumb, -I would say that any practice that does not culminate in intercourse -tends to be regressive and infantile if it becomes a chief method of -sexual expression. Also, insistence on any practice that cannot be -shared pleasurably by the partner is likewise regressive. - -The so-called “polymorphus perverse” pleasures are aspects of foreplay -and not ends in themselves. The primacy of the oral, anal, onanistic, -or sado-masochistic forms of sexuality is a hallmark of the immature -personality. Another unmistakable sign of such immaturity (or even of -downright psychic illness) is the insistence on _any_ form of sexuality -not heartily endorsed by one’s partner. - - -(5) _Contraception_ - -To use or not to use contraceptives is a personal matter that every -individual must settle for himself. - -When the responsibility for contraception is up to the woman, she -should always be prepared for intercourse whenever it is even remotely -possible. There is nothing so deadening to sexual excitement as the -woman who comes to love unprepared and must interrupt the process to -put her diaphragm on. If this is a repetitive situation in marital -life it is almost a certain sign that the woman has not yet accepted -her feminine role. The tacit assumption when you obtain a diaphragm is -that you are accepting the responsibility for contraception. There is -rarely any need, other than a negative one on the woman’s part, for -this to interfere or to impinge on sexual intercourse in any manner. -The husband is quite correct who interprets chronic remissiveness of -this sort as an unsolved problem of his wife. - - - - - ADDENDA I - - -Many women will find that with the methods prescribed here their -frigidity can be conquered. Some, however, will find that though they -can be helped by using these techniques they cannot achieve their goal -without outside help. Throughout the book I have tried to indicate the -kind of person and the kind of problem that may require additional -therapeutic aid, and I have tried to indicate that a person who needs -such outside help should feel no sense of shame about that fact nor -hesitancy about seeking it. Indeed, one of my chief reasons for writing -this book has been to open vistas hitherto unknown to many women. If -reading it has but started you on the road to mature femininity, its -chief function has been accomplished. - -How does one decide whether outside aid is indicated? - -There is no rule of thumb that will cover all cases. Some may decide -that they would prefer to start and finish their work on this problem -with a trained therapist. Others may start alone but find that -self-exploration, the surfacing of painful emotions and attitudes and -fantasies, is too difficult and confusing and decide to seek expert -guidance. Still others may find that though they can go a long -distance alone the final goal will elude them if they do not consult -with a trained worker in the field. - -If and when one does decide that outside help is necessary, one -should know how to find qualified people in this field. The following -information, then, is proffered to aid you in that respect. - -Your family physician can be most helpful. If he has the time he may -be able to counsel you directly, act as a guide to those insights that -will help you to achieve your goal. More than likely, however, you will -find that his schedule is far too heavy to permit him to do this, no -matter how much he would wish to do so. In that case he will refer you -to another person who is qualified to give such help or to a proper -agency. - -If for any reason you cannot obtain a referral from your own physician, -it is important to know to whom you may turn for help in your community. - -There are three kinds of specialists who are trained to give you -proper counseling for your problem. These are psychiatrists, clinical -psychologists, and social workers. - -The hospital in your community can usually give you the name of a -person in one of these specialties whom you could consult privately. -Such hospitals may also have outpatient counseling clinics, and these -are staffed by competent psychotherapists. If your hospital does not -maintain such a service it will nevertheless know where you can obtain -help. - -One of the resources you have open to you may be one of the so-called -“family agencies.” You can have confidence in such agencies. They are -devoted to the task of resolving any and all types of family problems -and are frequently staffed by social workers with excellent training in -marriage counseling. - -Many American communities are relatively rich in counseling resources, -but there are also many where psychological help is difficult to -obtain. If your doctor or your local hospital cannot help you, it may -be necessary for you to journey to the nearest large city to obtain -aid. If you wish to obtain the names of the qualified psychiatrists -nearest your residence you may write to the American Psychiatric -Association, 1270 Sixth Avenue, New York, N.Y., and they will furnish -you with the required information. Be certain that in your letter you -specify the urban center nearest you. - - - - - ADDENDA II - - -There is no book that covers the problem of psychological frigidity in -women as such. However, the books listed below may be helpful adjuncts -to a thorough understanding of the problem. I have divided them into -two categories, popular and technical. - -The popular books can be understood by all. The technical books I list -are generally used by physicians, but much in them can be understood by -the intelligent layman. - - - POPULAR - - _The Art of Loving_, Erich Fromm (New York: Harper, 1956). - - _A Marriage Manual_, Hannah and Abraham Stone (New York: Simon and - Schuster, 1952). - - _Modern Woman--The Lost Sex_, Lundberg and Farnham (New York: Harper, - 1947). - - _Marriage, Morals and Sex in America_, Sidney Ditzion (New York: - Bookman Associates, 1953). - - _Psychology of Sex Relations_, Theodor Reik (New York: Rinehart, 1945). - - _The Christian Interpretation of Sex_, Otto Piper (New York: Scribner, - 1941). - - - TECHNICAL - - _Factors in the Sex Life of Twenty-Two Hundred Women_, K. B. Davis - (New York: Harper, 1929). - - _Female Sexuality_, Marie Bonaparte (New York: International - Universities Press, 1953). - - _The Psychology of Women_ (Vols. 1 and 2), Helene Deutsch (New York: - Grune and Stratton, 1944-45). - - _Psychosexual Functions in Women_, Therese Benedek (New York: Ronald - Press, 1952). - - - - - * * * * * * - - - - -Transcriber’s note: - -A few minor typographical errors have been silently corrected. - -The cover image was prepared by the transcriber and is placed in the -public domain. - - - -***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE POWER OF SEXUAL SURRENDER*** - - -******* This file should be named 65130-0.txt or 65130-0.zip ******* - - -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: -http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/6/5/1/3/65130 - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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