initial commit of ebook 6368HEADmain

1 files changed, 8348 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/6368.txt b/6368.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bc7f938
--- /dev/null
+++ b/6368.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,8348 @@
+Project Gutenberg's Here, There And Everywhere, by Lord Frederic Hamilton
+#2 in our series by Lord Frederic Hamilton
+
+Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the
+copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing
+this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook.
+
+This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project
+Gutenberg file.  Please do not remove it.  Do not change or edit the
+header without written permission.
+
+Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the
+eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file.  Included is
+important information about your specific rights and restrictions in
+how the file may be used.  You can also find out about how to make a
+donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved.
+
+
+**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts**
+
+**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971**
+
+*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!*****
+
+
+Title: Here, There And Everywhere
+
+Author: Lord Frederic Hamilton
+
+Release Date: August, 2004 [EBook #6368]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on December 2, 2002]
+[Date last updated: January 19, 2004]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HERE, THERE AND EVERYWHERE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Karen Fabrizius, Juliet Sutherland, Charles Franks
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+HERE, THERE AND EVERYWHERE
+
+BY
+
+LORD FREDERIC HAMILTON
+
+TO MY GALLANT CANADIAN FRIEND GERALD RUTHERFORD, M.C. OF WINNIPEG
+
+
+
+
+FOREWORD
+
+So kindly a reception have the public accorded to "The Days Before
+Yesterday" that I have ventured into print yet again.
+
+This is less a book of reminiscences than a recapitulation of various
+personal experiences in many lands, some of which may be viewed from
+unaccustomed angles.
+
+The descriptions in Chapter VIII of cattle-working and of
+horse-breaking on an Argentine estancia have already appeared in
+slightly different form in an earlier book of mine, now out of print.
+
+F. H.
+
+_London, 1921._
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+An ideal form of travel for the elderly--A claim to roam at will in
+print--An invitation to a big-game shoot--Details of journey to Cooch
+Behar--The commercial magnate and the station-master--An outbreak of
+cholera--Arrival at Cooch Behar Palace-Our Australian Jehu--The
+shooting camp--Its gigantic scale--The daily routine--"Chota Begum,"
+my confidential elephant--Her well-meant attentions--My first
+tiger--Another lucky shot--The leopard and the orchestra--The
+Maharanee of Cooch Behar--An evening in the jungle--The buns and the
+bear--Jungle pictures--A charging rhinoceros--Another rhinoceros
+incident--The amateur Mahouts--Circumstances preventing a second visit
+to Cooch Behar
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+Mighty Kinchinjanga--The inconceivable splendours of a Himalayan
+sunrise--The last Indian telegraph office--The irrepressible British
+Tommy--An improvised garden--An improvised Durbar hall--A splendid
+ceremony--A native dinner--The disguised Europeans--Our shocking
+table-manners--Incidents--Two impersonations; one successful, the
+other the reverse--I come off badly--Indian jugglers--The
+rope-trick--The juggler, the rope, and the boy--An inexplicable
+incident--A performing cobra scores a success--Ceylon "Devil
+Dancers"--Their performance--The Temple of the Tooth--The uncovering
+of the Tooth--Details concerning--An abominable libel--Tea and
+coffee--Peradeniya Gardens--The upas tree of Java--Colombo an Eastern
+Clapham Junction--The French lady and the savages--The small Bermudian
+and the inhabitants of England
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+Frenchmen pleasant travelling companions--Their limitations--Vicomte
+de Vogue--The innkeeper and the ikon--An early oil-burning steamer--A
+modern Bluebeard--His "Blue Chamber"--Dupleix--His ambitious scheme
+--A disastrous period for France--A personal appreciation of the
+Emperor Nicholas II--A learned but versatile Orientalist--Pidgin
+English--Hong-Kong--An ancient Portuguese city in China--Duck junks--A
+comical Marathon race--Canton--Its fascination and its appalling
+smells--The malevolent Chinese devils--Precautions adopted
+against--"Foreign devils"--The fortunate limitations of Chinese
+devils--The City of the Dead--A business interview
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+The glamour of the West Indies--Captain Marryat and Michael
+Scott--Deadly climate of the islands in the eighteenth century--The
+West Indian planters--Difference between East and West Indies--"Let us
+eat and drink, for to-morrow we die"--Training-school for British
+Navy--A fruitless voyage--Quarantine--Distant view of Barbados--Father
+Labat--The last of the Emperors of Byzantium--Delightful little Lady
+Nugent and her diary of 1802--Her impressions of Jamaica--Wealthy
+planters--Their hideous gormandising--A simple morning meal--An
+aldermanic dinner--How the little Nugents were gorged--Haiti--Attempts
+of General Le Clerc to secure British intervention in Haiti--Presents
+to Lady Nugent--Her Paris dresses described--Our arrival in
+Jamaica--Its marvellous beauty--The bewildered Guardsman--Little trace
+of Spain left in Jamaica--The Spaniards as builders--British and
+Spanish Colonial methods contrasted
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+An election meeting in Jamaica--Two family experiences at contested
+elections--Novel South African methods--Unattractive Kingston--A
+driving tour through the island--The Guardsman as
+orchid-hunter--Derelict country houses--An attempt to reconstruct the
+past--The Fourth-Form room at Harrow--Elizabethan Harrovians--I meet
+many friends of my youth--The "Sunday" books of the 'sixties--"Black
+and White"--Arrival of the French fleet--Its inner
+meaning--International courtesies--A delicate attention--Absent
+alligators--The mangrove swamp--A preposterous suggestion--The swamps
+do their work--Fever--A very gallant apprentice--What he did
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+The Spanish Main--Its real meaning--A detestable region--Tarpon and
+sharks--The isthmus--The story of the great pearl "La elegrina"--The
+Irishman and the Peruvian--The vagaries of the Southern Cross--The
+great Kingston earthquake--Point of view of small boys--Some
+earthquake incidents--"Flesh-coloured" stockings--Negro hysteria--A
+family incident, and the unfortunate Archbishop--Port Royal--A sugar
+estate--A scene from a boy's book in real life--Cocoa-nuts--
+Reef-fishing--Two young men of great promise
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+Appalling ignorance of geography amongst English people--Novel
+pedagogic methods--"Happy Families"--An instructive game--Bermuda--A
+waterless island--A most inviting archipelago--Bermuda the most
+northern coral-atoll--The reefs and their polychrome fish--A
+"water-glass"--Sea-gardens--An ideal sailing-place--How the Guardsman
+won his race--A miniature Parliament--Unfounded aspersions on the
+Bermudians--Red and blue birds--Two pardonable mistakes--Soldier
+gardeners--Officers' wives--The little roaming home-makers--A pleasant
+island--The inquisitive German naval officers--"The Song of the
+Bermudians"
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+The demerits of the West Indies classified--The utter ruin of
+St. Pierre--The Empress Josephine--A transplanted
+brogue--Vampires--Lost in a virgin forest--Dictator-Presidents, Castro
+and Rosas--The mentality of a South American--"The Liberator"--The
+Basques and their national game--Love of English people for foreign
+words--Yellow fever--Life on an Argentina _estancia_--How cattle
+are worked--The lasso and the "bolas"--Ostriches--Venomous toads--The
+youthful rough-rider--His methods--Fuel difficulties--The vast
+plains--The wonderful bird-life
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+Difficulties of an Argentine railway engineer--Why Argentina has the
+Irish gauge--A sudden contrast--A more violent contrast--Names and
+their obligations--Cape Town--The thoroughness of the Dutch
+pioneers--A dry and thirsty land--The beautiful Dutch Colonial houses
+--The Huguenot refugees--The Rhodes fruit-farms--Surf-riding--Groote
+Schuur--General Botha--The Rhodes Memorial--The episode of the sick
+boy--A visit from Father Neptune--What pluck will do
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+In France at the outbreak of the war--The _tocsin_--The "voice of
+the bell" at Harrow--Canon Simpson's theory about bells--His
+"five-tone" principle--Myself as a London policeman--Experiences with
+a celebrated Church choir--The "Grill-room Club"--Famous members
+--Arthur Cecil--Some neat answers--Sir Leslie Ward--Beerbohm Tree and
+the vain old member--Amateur supers--Juvenile disillusionment--The
+Knight--The Baron--Age of romance passed
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+Dislike of the elderly to change--Some legitimate grounds of
+complaint--Modern pronunciation of Latin--How a European crisis was
+averted by the old-fashioned method--Lord Dufferin's Latin
+speech--Schoolboy costume of a hundred years ago--Discomforts of
+travel in my youth--A crack liner of the 'eighties--Old travelling
+carriages--An election incident--Headlong rush of extraordinary
+turn-out--The politically-minded signalman and the doubtful
+voter--"Decent bodies"--Confidence in the future--Conclusion
+
+INDEX
+
+
+
+
+HERE, THERE AND EVERYWHERE
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+An ideal form of travel for the elderly--A claim to roam at will in
+print--An invitation to a big-game shoot--Details of journey to Cooch
+Behar--The commercial magnate and the station-master--An outbreak of
+cholera--Arrival at Cooch Behar Palace--Our Australian Jehu--The
+Shooting Camp--Its gigantic scale--The daily routine--"Chota Begum,"
+my confidential elephant--Her well-meant attentions--My first
+tiger--Another lucky shot--The leopard and the orchestra--The
+Maharanee of Cooch Behar--An evening in the jungle--The buns and the
+bear--Jungle pictures--A charging rhinoceros--Another rhinoceros
+incident--The amateur mahouts--Circumstances preventing a second visit
+to Cooch Behar.
+
+
+The drawbacks of advancing years are so painfully obvious to those who
+have to shoulder the burden of a long tale of summers, that there is
+no need to enlarge upon them.
+
+The elderly have one compensation, however; they have well-filled
+store-houses of reminiscences, chests of memories which are the
+resting-place of so many recollections that their owner can at will
+re-travel in one second as much of the surface of this globe as it has
+been his good fortune to visit, and this, too, under the most
+comfortable conditions imaginable.
+
+Not for him the rattle of the wheels of the train as they grind the
+interminable miles away; not for him the insistent thump of the
+engines as they relentlessly drive the great liner through angry
+Atlantic surges to her far-off destination in smiling Southern seas.
+The muffled echoes of London traffic, filtering through the drawn
+curtains, are undisturbed by such grossly material reminders of modern
+engineering triumphs, for the elderly traveller journeys in a
+comfortable easy-chair before a glowing fire, a cigar in his mouth,
+and a long tumbler conveniently accessible to his hand.
+
+The street outside is shrouded in November fog; under the steady
+drizzle, the dripping pavements reflect with clammy insistence the
+flickering gas-lamps, and everything, as Mr. Mantalini would have put
+it, "is demnition moist and unpleasant," whilst a few feet away, a
+grey-haired traveller is basking in the hot sunshine of a white coral
+strand, with the cocoa-nut palms overhead whispering their endless
+secrets to each other as they toss their emerald-green fronds in the
+strong Trade winds, the little blue wavelets of the Caribbean Sea
+lap-lapping as they pretend to break on the gleaming milk-white beach.
+
+It is really an ideal form of travel! No discomforts, no hurryings to
+catch connections, no passports required, no passage money, and no
+hotel bills! What more could any one ask? The journeys can be varied
+indefinitely, provided that the owner of the storehouse has been
+careful to keep its shelves tidily arranged. India? The second shelf
+on the left. South Africa? The one immediately below it. Canada?
+South America? The West Indies? There they all are, each one in its
+proper place!
+
+This private Thomas Cook & Son's office has the further advantage of
+being eminently portable. Wherever its owner goes, it goes, too. For
+the elderly this seems the most practical form of Travel Bureau, and
+it is incontestably the most economical one in these days when prices
+soar sky-high.
+
+There is so much to see in this world of ours, and just one short
+lifetime in which to see it! I am fully conscious of the difficulty of
+conveying to others impressions which remain intensely vivid to
+myself, and am also acutely alive to the fact that matters which
+appear most interesting to one person, drive others to martyrdoms of
+boredom.
+
+In attempting to reproduce various personal experiences on paper, I
+shall claim the roaming freedom of the fireside muser, for he can in
+one second skip from Continent to Continent and vault over gaps of
+thirty years and more, just as the spirit moves him; indeed, to change
+the metaphor, before one record has played itself out, he can turn on
+a totally different one without rising from his chair, adjusting a new
+needle, or troubling to re-wind the machine, for this convenient
+mental apparatus reproduces automatically from its repertory whatever
+air is required.
+
+Having claimed the privilege of roaming at will far from my subject, I
+may say that ever since my boyhood I had longed to take part in a
+big-game shoot, so when the late Maharajah of Cooch Behar invited me
+in 1891 to one of his famous shooting-parties, I accepted with
+alacrity, for the Cooch Behar shoots were justly famed throughout
+India. The rhinoceros was found there, tigers, as Mrs. O'Dowd of
+_Vanity Fair_ would have remarked, "were as plentiful as cabbages";
+there were bears, too, leopards and water buffaloes, everything, in
+short, that the heart of man could desire. It was no invitation to
+travel five hundred miles for two days' shooting only, there were to be
+five solid weeks of it in camp, and few people entertained on so
+princely a scale as the Maharajah. It was distinctly an invitation to
+be treasured--and gratefully accepted.
+
+The five-hundred-mile journey between Calcutta and Cooch Behar was
+unquestionably a varied one. There were four hours' train on the
+broad-gauge railway, an hour's steamer to cross the Ganges, ten hours'
+train on a narrow-gauge railway, three hours' propelling by poles in a
+native house-boat down a branch of the Brahmaputra, six miles of swamp
+to traverse on elephants, thirty miles to travel on the Maharajah's
+private two-and-a-half-feet-gauge toy railway, and, to conclude with,
+a twenty-five-mile drive.
+
+Cooch Behar is now, I believe, directly linked up with Calcutta by
+rail.
+
+We left Calcutta a party of four. My nephew, General Sir Henry
+Streatfeild, and his wife, another of the Viceroy's aides-de-camp,
+myself, and a certain genial Calcutta business magnate, most popular
+of Anglo-Indians. As we had a connection to catch at a junction on the
+narrow-gauge railway, an interminable wait at a big station in the
+early morning was disconcerting, for the connection would probably be
+missed. The jovial, burly Englishman occupied the second
+sleeping-berth in my compartment. As the delay lengthened, he, having
+some official connection with the East Bengal State Railway, jumped
+out of bed and went on to the platform in Anglo-Indian fashion, clad
+merely in pyjamas and slippers. Approaching the immensely pompous
+native station-master he upbraided him in no measured terms for the
+long halt. Through the window I could hear every word of their
+dialogue. "This delay is perfectly scandalous, station-master. I shall
+certainly report it in Calcutta." "Would you care, sir, to enter
+offeecial complaint in book kept for that purpose?" "By George! I
+will!" answered the man of jute and indigo, hot with indignation. He
+was conducted through long passages to the station-master's office at
+the back of the building, where a strongly worded complaint was
+entered in the book. "And now, may I ask," questioned the irate
+business man, "when you mean to start this infernal train?" "Oh, the
+terain, sir, has already deeparted these five minutes," answered the
+bland native. Fortunately there was a goods train immediately
+following the mail, and some four hours afterwards our big friend
+alighted from a goods brake-van in a furious temper. He had had
+nothing whatever to eat, and was still in pyjamas, bare feet and
+slippers at ten in the morning. We had delayed the branch train as no
+one seemed in any particular hurry, so all was well.
+
+During a subsequent journey over the same line, we had an awful
+experience. Through the Alipore suburb of Calcutta there runs a little
+affluent of the Hooghly known as Tolly Gunge. For some reason this
+insignificant stream is regarded as peculiarly sacred by Hindoos, and
+every five years vast numbers of pilgrims come to bathe in and drink
+Tolly Gunge. The stream is nothing now but an open sewer, but no
+warnings of the doctors, and no Government edicts can prevent natives
+from regarding this as a place of pilgrimage, rank poison though the
+waters of Tolly Gunge must be.
+
+A party of us left Calcutta on a shooting expedition during one of
+these quinquennial pilgrimages. We found the huge Sealdah station
+packed with dense crowds of home-going pilgrims. The station-master
+was at his wits' end to provide accommodation, for every third-class
+carriage was already full to overflowing, and still endless hordes of
+devotees kept arriving. He finally had a number of covered trucks
+coupled on to the train, into which the pilgrims were wedged as
+tightly as possible, a second engine was attached, and we started.
+Next morning I was awakened by a nephew of mine, who cried with an
+awestruck face, "My God! It is perfectly awful! Look out of the
+window!" It was a fearful sight. The waters of Tolly Gunge had done
+their work, and cholera had broken out during the night amongst the
+densely packed pilgrims. Men were carrying out dead bodies from the
+train; there were already at least fifty corpses laid on the platform,
+and the tale of dead increased every minute. Others, stricken with the
+fell disease, were lying on the platform, still alive, but in a state
+of collapse, or in the agonising cramps of this swift-slaying scourge.
+There happened to be two white doctors in the train, who did all that
+was possible for the sufferers, but, beyond the administration of
+opium, medical science is powerless in cholera cases. The horrors of
+that railway platform fixed themselves indelibly on my memory. I can
+never forget it.
+
+The late Maharajah of Cooch Behar had had a long minority, the soil of
+his principality was very fertile and well-cultivated, and so
+efficiently was the little State administered by the British Resident
+that the Maharajah found himself at his majority the fortunate
+possessor of vast sums of ready money. The Government of India had
+erected him out of his surplus revenues a gigantic palace of
+red-brick, a singularly infelicitous building material for that
+burning climate. Nor can it be said that the English architect had
+been very successful in his elevation. He had apparently anticipated
+the design of the Victoria and Albert Museum, and had managed to
+produce a building even less satisfactory to the eye than the vast
+pile at the corner of Cromwell Road. He had also crowned his edifice
+with a great dome. The one practical feature of the building was that
+it was only one room thick, and that every room was protected by a
+broad double verandah on both sides. The direct rays of the sun were,
+therefore, powerless to penetrate to the interior, and with the double
+verandahs the faintest breath of air sent a draught through every room
+in the house.
+
+We reached Cooch Behar after dark, and it was somewhat of a surprise
+to find the Maharajah and his entire family roller-skating in the
+great central domed hall of the palace, to the strains of a really
+excellent string band. The Maharajah having a great liking for
+European music, had a private orchestra of thirty-five natives who,
+under the skilled tuition of a Viennese conductor, had learnt to play
+with all the fire and vim of one of those unapproachable Austrian
+bands, which were formerly (I emphasise the _were_) the delight
+of every foreigner in Vienna. These native players had acquired in
+playing dance music the real Austrian "broken time," and could make
+their violins wail out the characteristic "thirds" and "sixths" in the
+harmonies of little airy, light "Wiener Couplets" nearly as
+effectively as Johann Strauss' famous orchestra in the "Volks-Garten"
+in Vienna.
+
+The whole scene was rather unexpected in the home of a native prince
+in the wilds of East Bengal.
+
+The Maharajah had fixed on a great tract of jungle in Assam, over the
+frontier of India proper, as the field of operations for his big-game
+shoot of 1891, on account of the rhinoceros and buffaloes that
+frequented the swamps there. As he did not do things by halves, he had
+had a rough road made connecting Cooch Behar with his great camp, and
+had caused temporary bridges to be built over all the streams on the
+way. Owing to the convenient bamboo, this is fairly easy of
+achievement, for the bamboo is at the same time tough and pliable, and
+bamboo bridges, in spite of their flimsy appearance, can carry great
+weights, and can be run up in no time, and kindly Nature furnishes in
+Bengal an endless supply of this adaptable building material.
+
+Our Calcutta party were driven out to the camp by the Maharajah's
+Australian trainer in a brake-and-four. I had heard before of the
+recklessness and skill of Australian stage-coach drivers, but had had
+no previous personal experience of it. Frankly, it is not an
+experience I should care to repeat indefinitely. I have my own
+suspicions that that big Australian was trying, if I may be pardoned a
+vulgarism, "to put the wind up us." Bang! against a tree-trunk on the
+off-side. Crash! against another on the near-side; down a steep hill
+at full gallop, and over a creaking, swaying, loudly protesting bamboo
+bridge that seemed bound to collapse under the impact; up the
+corresponding ascent as hard as the four Walers could lay leg to the
+ground; off the track, tearing through the scrub on two wheels,
+righting again to shave a big tree by a mere hair's-breadth; it
+certainly was a fine exhibition of nerve and of recklessness redeemed
+by skill, but I do not think that elderly ladies would have preferred
+it to their customary jog-trot behind two fat and confidential old
+slugs. One wondered how the harness held together under our Australian
+Jehu's vagaries.
+
+The Maharajah had chosen the site of his camp well. On a bare
+_maidan_ overhanging a turbulent river a veritable city of white
+tents gleamed in the sunshine, all neatly ranged in streets and lanes.
+The river was not, as most Indian rivers in the dry season, a mere
+trickle of muddy water meandering through a broad expanse of stones
+and sand-spits, but a clear, rushing stream, tumbling and laughing on
+its way as gaily as any Scotch salmon river, and forming deep pools
+where great mahseer lurked under the waving fringes of water-weeds,
+fat fish who could be entrapped with a spoon in the early morning.
+
+Each guest had a great Indian double tent, bigger than most London
+drawing-rooms. The one tent was pitched inside the other after the
+fashion of the country, with an air-space of about one foot between to
+keep out the fierce sun. Indeed, triple-tent would be a more fitting
+expression, for the inner tent had a lining dependent from it of that
+Indian cotton fabric printed in reds and blues which we use for bed
+quilts. Every tent was carpeted with cotton dhurees, and completely
+furnished with dressing-tables and chests of drawers, as well as
+writing-table, sofa and arm-chairs; whilst there was a little covered
+canvas porch outside, fitted with chairs in which to take the air, and
+a small attendant satellite of a tent served as a bath-room, with big
+tin tub and a little trench dug to carry the water away. Nothing could
+be more complete, but I found my watchful old "bearer" already at work
+raising all my trunks, gun-cases, and other possessions on little
+stilts of bamboo, for his quick eye had detected signs of white ants.
+By the end of our stay in camp I had reason to congratulate myself on
+my faithful "bearer's" foresight, for none of my own things were
+touched, whilst every one else was bemoaning the havoc the white ants
+had played with their belongings. The guest-tents formed three sides
+of a square facing the river, and in the centre of the open space
+stood a large _shamyanah_, or flat-roofed tent with open sides,
+which served as dining-room and general living-room. There are
+certainly distinct advantages in a climate so settled that periods of
+daily sunshine or of daily rain really form part of the calendar, and
+can be predicted with mathematical certainty.
+
+It so happened that the Census of 1891 was taken whilst we were in
+camp, so I can give the exact number of retainers whom the Maharajah
+brought with him. It totalled 473, including mahouts and
+elephant-tenders, grooms, armourers, taxidermists, tailors,
+shoemakers, a native doctor and a dispenser, and boatmen, not to
+mention the Viennese conductor and the thirty-five members of the
+orchestra, cooks, bakers, and table-waiters. The Maharajah certainly
+did things on a grand scale. One of the English guests gave, with
+perfect truth, his place of birth as required in the Indian Census
+Return as "a first-class carriage on the London and North-Western
+Railway, somewhere between Bletchley and Euston; the precise spot
+being unnoticed either by myself or the other person principally
+concerned."
+
+The daily routine of life in the camp was something like this: We men
+all rose at daybreak, some going for a ride, others endeavouring with
+a spoon to lure the cunning mahseer in the swift-running river, or
+going for a three-mile walk through the jungle tracks. Then a bath,
+and breakfast followed at nine, when the various _shikaries_ came
+in with their reports. Should a tiger have made a "kill," he would be
+found, with any luck, during the heat of the day close to the body of
+his victim. The "howdah" elephants would all be sent on to the
+appointed rendezvous, the entire party going out to meet them on "pad"
+elephants. I do not believe that more uncomfortable means of
+progression could possibly be devised. A pad elephant has a large
+mattress strapped on to its back, over which runs a network of stout
+cords. Four or five people half-sit, half-recline on this mattress,
+hanging on for dear life to the cord network. The European, being
+unused to this attitude, will soon feel violent cramps shooting
+through his limbs, added to which there is a disconcerting feeling of
+instability in spite of the tightly grasped cords. Nothing, on the
+other hand, can be more comfortable than a well-appointed howdah,
+where one is quite alone except for the mahout perched on the
+elephant's neck. The Maharajah's howdahs were all of cane-work, with a
+softly padded seat and a leather-strap back, which yielded to the
+motion of the great beast. In front was a gun-rack holding five guns
+and rifles, and large pockets at the side thoughtfully contained
+bottles of lemonade (the openers of which were _never_ forgotten)
+and emergency packets of biscuits.
+
+The Maharajah owned about sixty elephants, in which he took the
+greatest pride, and he was most careful in providing his guests with
+proved "tiger-staunch" animals. These were oddly enough invariably
+lady-elephants, the males being apt to lose their heads in the
+excitement of meeting their hereditary enemies, and consequently apt
+to run amok.
+
+My particular elephant, which I rode daily for five weeks, was an
+elderly and highly respectable female named "Chota Begum." Had she
+only happened to have been born without a tail, and with two legs
+instead of four, she would have worn silver-rimmed spectacles and a
+large cap with cherries in it; would have knitted stockings all day
+long and have taken a deep interest in the Church Missionary Society.
+
+I soon got on very friendly terms with "Chota Begum." She was
+inordinately fond of oranges, which, of course, were difficult to
+procure in the jungle, so I daily brought her a present of
+half-a-dozen of these delicacies, supplementing the gift at
+luncheon-time with a few bananas. Chota Begum was deeply touched by
+these attentions, and one morning my mahout informed me that she
+wished, out of gratitude, to lift me into the howdah with her trunk. I
+cannot conceive how he found this out, but I naturally was averse to
+wounding the elephant's feelings by refusing the proffered courtesy,
+though I should infinitely have preferred getting into the howdah in
+the ordinary manner. The mahout, after the mysterious manner of his
+kind, was giving his charge minute directions to be very careful with
+me, when I suddenly felt myself seized by Chota Begum's trunk, lifted
+into the air, and held upside down at the extreme length of that
+member, for, it seemed to me, at least five minutes. Rupees and small
+change rained from my pockets to the ground, cigar case, cigarette
+case, matches and cartridge extractor streamed down to earth in
+clattering showers from their abiding places; the blood rushed to my
+head till I was on the very verge of apoplexy, and still Chota Begum,
+remembering her instructions to be careful, held me up aloft, until
+slowly, very slowly indeed, she lowered me into the howdah, dizzy and
+stupid with blood to the head. The attention was well-meant, but it
+was distinctly not one to be repeated indefinitely. In my youth there
+was a popular song recounting the misfortunes of one Mr. Brown:
+  "Old man Brown, upside down,
+  With his legs sticking up in the air";
+but I never imagined that I should share his unpleasant experiences.
+
+I never enquired too minutely as to how the "kubber" of the
+whereabouts of a tiger was obtained, but I have a strong suspicion
+that unhappy goats played a part in it, and that they were tethered in
+different parts of the jungle, for, as we all know, "the bleating of
+the kid excites the tiger."
+
+A tiger being thus located by his "kill," the long line of beating
+elephants, riderless except for their mahouts, goes crashing through
+the burnt-up jungle-growth, until a trumpeting from one of the
+elephants announces the neighbourhood of "stripes," for an elephant
+has an abnormally keen sense of smell. The various guns are posted on
+their elephants in any open spot where a good view of the beast can be
+obtained when he breaks cover. I have explained elsewhere how I
+personally always preferred an ordinary shot-gun loaded with a lead
+ball, to a rifle for either tigers or bears. The reason being that
+both these animals are usually shot at very close quarters whilst they
+are moving rapidly. Time is lost in getting the sights of a rifle on
+to a swift-moving objective, and there is so little time to lose, for
+it is most inadvisable to wound a tiger without killing him; whereas
+with a shot-gun one simply raises it, looks down the barrels and fires
+as one would do at a rabbit, and a solid lead bullet has enormous
+stopping power. I took with me daily in the howdah one shot-gun loaded
+with ball, another with No. 5 shot for birds, an Express rifle, and
+one of the Maharajah's terrific 4-bore elephant-rifles; this latter's
+charge was 14-1/2 drachms of black powder; the kick seemed to break
+every bone in one's shoulder, and I was frightened to death every time
+that I fired it off.
+
+On that Assam shoot I was quite extraordinarily lucky, for on the very
+first day the beating elephants announced the presence of a tiger by
+trumpeting almost at once, and suddenly, with a roar, a great streak
+of orange and black leaped into the sunlight from the jungle straight
+in front of me. The tiger came straight for my elephant, who stood
+firm as a rock, and I waited with the smooth-bore till he got within
+twenty feet of me and I knew that I could not possibly miss him, and
+then fired at his shoulder. The tiger fell dead. This was a very easy
+shot, but it did me great service with my mahout. These men, perched
+as they are on the elephant's neck, carry their lives in their hand,
+for should the tiger be wounded only, he will certainly make a spring
+for the elephant's head, and then the mahout is a dead man.
+Incidentally the "gun" in the howdah will not fare much better in that
+case. The mahout, should he have but small confidence in his
+passenger's marksmanship, will make the elephant fidget so that it
+becomes impossible to fire.
+
+Two days later we were beating a patch of jungle, when, through the
+thick undergrowth, I could just see four legs, moving very, very
+slowly amongst the reeds, the body above them being invisible. "Bagh"
+(tiger), whispered the mahout, turning round. I was so excited that I
+snatched up the heavy elephant-rifle instead of the Express, and fired
+just above those slow-slouching legs. The big rifle went off with a
+noise like an air-raid, and knocked me with mangled shoulder-blades
+into the seat of the howdah. I was sure that I had missed altogether,
+and thought no more about it, but when the beat came up half an hour
+later, a huge tiger was lying there stone dead. That, of course, was
+an absolute piece of luck, a mere fluke, as I had never even seen the
+brute. As soon as the Maharajah and his men had examined the big
+tiger's teeth they at once pronounced him a man-eater, and there was
+great rejoicing, for a man-eating tiger had been taking toll of the
+villagers in one of the jungle clearings. I believe that tigers only
+take to eating men when they are growing old and their teeth begin to
+fail them, a man being easier to catch than a bullock or goat. The
+skins of these two tigers have lain on my drawing-room carpet for
+thirty years now.
+
+On our second day the Maharajah shot a leopard. He was only wounded,
+and I have never seen an animal fight so fiercely or with such
+indomitable courage. Of course, the whole cat-tribe are very tenacious
+of life, but that leopard had five bullets in him, and still he roared
+and hissed and spat, though his life was ebbing from him fast. We must
+have worked round in a circle nearer to the camp, for whilst we were
+watching the leopard's furious fight the strains of the Maharajah's
+orchestra practising "The Gondoliers," floated down-wind to us quite
+clearly. I remember it well, for as we dismounted to look at the dead
+beast the cornet solo, "Take a pair of sparkling eyes," began. There
+was such a startling incongruity between an almost untrodden virgin
+jungle in Assam, with a dead leopard lying in the foreground, and that
+familiar strain of Sullivan's, so beloved of amateur tenors, that it
+gave a curious sense of unreality to the whole scene.
+
+This admirable orchestra made the evenings very pleasant. We put on
+white ties and tail-coats every night for dinner in the open
+_shamyanah_, where the Maharajah provided us with an excellent
+European repast served on solid silver plates. As the endless
+resources of this wonderful camp included an ice-making machine, he
+also gave us iced champagne every evening. As an example of how
+thorough the Maharajah was in his arrangements, he had brought three
+of his _mallees_, or native gardeners, with him, their sole
+function being to gather wild jungle-flowers daily, and to decorate
+the tables and tents with them.
+
+Neither the Maharajah nor his family ever touched any of the European
+food, though, as they were not Hindoos, but belonged to the
+Bramo-Somaj religion, there were no caste-laws to prevent their doing
+so. Half-way through dinner the servants brought in large square
+silver boxes, some of rice, others of various curries: hot curries,
+dry curries, Ceylon curries, and green vegetable curries; these
+constituted their dinner, and most excellent they were.
+
+I really must pay a tribute to the graceful and delightful Maharanee,
+who presided with such dignity and charm at these gatherings. I had
+first met the Maharanee in London, in 1887, at the festivities in
+connection with Queen Victoria's Jubilee. The Maharanee, the daughter
+of a very ancient Bengal family, was then quite young. She had only
+emerged "from behind the curtain," as natives of India say, for six
+months. In other words, she had just emancipated herself from the
+seclusion of the Zenana, where she had lived since her marriage. She
+had then very delicate features, and most lovely eyes, with
+exquisitely moulded hands and arms. Very wisely she had not adopted
+European fashions in their entirety, but had retained the becoming
+_saree_ of gold or silver tissue or brocade, throwing the end of
+it over her head as a veil, and looking perfectly charming in it.
+Everything in England must have seemed strange to her, the climate,
+the habits, and the mode of living, and yet this little Princess
+behaved as though she had been used to it all her life, and still
+managed to retain the innate dignity of the high-caste native lady.
+
+As one travels through life certain pictures remain vividly clear-cut
+in the memory. The evenings in that shooting-camp are amongst these. I
+can still imagine myself strolling with an extremely comely lady along
+the stretches of natural lawn that crowned the bluff above the river,
+the gurgle and splashing of the stream loud in our ears as we looked
+over the unending expanse of jungle below us, vast and full of mystery
+under the brilliant moonlight of India. In India the moonlight is
+golden, not silvery as with us. The great grey sea of scrub, with an
+occasional prominent tree catching this golden light on its clear-cut
+outline, had something awe-inspiring about it, for here one was face
+to face with real Nature. A faint and distant roar was also a reminder
+that the jungle had its inhabitants, and through it all came the
+quaintly incongruous strains of the orchestra playing a selection from
+"The Mikado":
+
+  "My object all sublime, I shall achieve in time,
+   To make the punishment fit the crime,
+   The punishment fit the crime."
+
+The moonlit jungle night-scene, and the familiar air with its London
+associations were such endless thousands of miles apart.
+
+On the floor of my drawing-room, in Westminster, the skin of a bear
+reposes close to those of two tigers. This is how he came there: We
+were at breakfast when _kubber_ of a bear only two miles away was
+brought in. The Maharajah at once ordered the howdah-elephants round.
+Opposite me on the breakfast-table stood a large plate of buns, which
+the camp baker made most admirably. Ever since my earliest childhood I
+had gone on every possible occasion to the Zoological Gardens in
+Regent's Park, and was therefore in a position to know what was the
+favourite food of the ursine race. That they did not exist on buns in
+the jungle was due to a lack of opportunity rather than to a lack of
+inclination, so I argued that the dainty would prove just as
+irresistible to a bear in the jungle as it did to his brethren in the
+big pit near the entrance to the Zoo, and ignoring the rather cheap
+gibes of the rest of the party, I provided myself with half-a-dozen
+buns, three of which I attached by long strings to the front of my
+howdah, where they swung about like an edible pawnbroker's sign. The
+bear was lying in a very small patch of bamboo, and broke cover at
+once. As I had anticipated, the three swinging buns proved absolutely
+irresistible to him. He came straight up to me, I shot him with a
+smooth-bore, and he is most decorative in his present position, but it
+was all due to the buns. The Maharajah told me, much to my surprise,
+that far more natives were killed by bears than by tigers in that part
+of India.
+
+The jungle was very diversified: in places it consisted of flat
+tablelands of scrub, varied with broad open spaces broken by thick
+clumps ("topes" they are called by Anglo-Indians) of bamboo. In other
+parts there were rocky ravines covered with forest growth, and on the
+low ground far-stretching and evil-smelling swamps spread themselves,
+the home of the rhinoceros and water buffalo.
+
+I had no idea of an elephant's climbing powers. These huge beasts make
+their way quite easily up rocky ascents no horse could negotiate. In
+coming down steep declivities, the wise creatures extend their
+hind-legs, using them as brakes. Cautious old Chota Begum would never
+ford any river without sounding the depth with her trunk at every
+step. On one occasion two of the Maharajah's fishermen were paddling
+native dug-outs down-stream as we approached a river. Chota Begum, who
+had never before seen a dug-out, took them for crocodiles, trumpeted
+loudly with alarm, and refused to enter the water until they were
+quite out of sight. The curious intelligence of the animal is seen
+when they are ordered to remove a tree which blocks the road. Chota
+Begum would place her right foot against the trunk and give a little
+tentative shove. Not satisfied with the leverage, she would shift her
+foot again and again until she had found the right spot, then,
+throwing her whole weight on to her foot, the tree would snap off like
+a wooden match.
+
+There was a great amount of bird-life in the jungle. It abounded in
+peacocks, and these birds are a glorious sight sailing down-wind
+through the sunlight with their tails streaming behind them, at a pace
+which would leave any pheasant standing. As peacocks are regarded as
+sacred by Hindoos, the Maharajah had particularly begged us not to
+shoot any. There were plenty of other birds, snipe, partridges,
+florican and jungle-cocks, the two latter greatly esteemed for their
+flesh. I shot a jungle-cock, and was quite disappointed at finding him
+a facsimile of our barndoor game-cock, for I had imagined that he
+would have the velvety black wing starred with cream-coloured eyes,
+which we associate with the "jungle-cock wing" of salmon flies. The
+so-called "jungle-cock" in a "Jock Scott" fly is furnished by a bird
+found, I believe, only round Madras. An animal peculiar to this part
+of Assam is the pigmy hob, the smallest of the swine family. These
+little beasts, no larger than guinea-pigs, go about in droves of about
+fifty, and move through the grass with such incredible rapidity that
+the eye is unable to follow them. The elephants, oddly enough, are
+scared to death by the pigmy hogs, for the little creatures have
+tushes as sharp as razors, and gash the elephants' feet with them as
+they run past them.
+
+I think that we all regretted the Maharajah's keenness about
+water-buffalo and rhinos, for this entailed long days of plodding on
+elephants through steamy, fetid swamps, where the grass was twenty
+feet high and met over one's head, where the heat was intolerable,
+without one breath of air, and the mosquitoes maddening. A day in the
+swamps entailed, too, a big dose of quinine at bedtime. Between
+ourselves, I was terrified at the prospect of having to fire off the
+heavy four-bore elephant-rifle. The "kick" of fourteen-and-a-half
+drachms of black-powder is tremendous, and one's shoulder ached for
+two hours afterwards, though I do not regret the "kick" in surveying
+the water-buffalo which has hung now in my hall for thirty years. I
+have only seen two wild rhinoceroses in my life, and of the first one
+I had only a very brief glimpse. We were outside the swamp, when down
+a jungle-track came a charging rhinoceros, his head down and an evil
+look in his eye. One look was enough for Chota Begum. That most
+respectable of old ladies had quite evidently no love for rhinos. She
+lost her nerve completely, and ran away for two miles as hard as her
+ungainly limbs could lay leg to the ground. It is no joke to be on a
+runaway elephant maddened with fright, and it is extremely difficult
+to keep one's seat. The mahout and I hung on with both hands for dear
+life, the guns and rifles crashing together with a deafening clamour
+of ironmongery, and I was most thankful that there were no trees
+anywhere near, for the terrified animal's first impulse would have
+been to knock off both howdah and mahout under the overhanging branch
+of a tree. When Chota Begum at length pulled up, she had to listen to
+some terrible home-truths about her ancestry from the mahout, who was
+bitterly disappointed in his beloved charge. As to questions of
+lineage, and the morals of Chota Begum's immediate progenitors, I can
+only hope that the mahout exaggerated, for he certainly opened up
+appalling perspectives. Any old lady would have got scared at seeing
+so hideous a monster preparing to rip her open, and under the
+circumstances you and I would have run away just as fast as Chota
+Begum did.
+
+The only other wild rhinoceros I ever saw was on the very last day of
+our stay in Assam. We were returning home on elephants, when they
+began to trumpet loudly, as we approached a little dip. My nephew,
+General Sir Henry Streatfeild, called out to me to be ready, as there
+was probably a bear in the hollow. Next moment a rhinoceros charged
+out and made straight for his elephant. Sir Henry fired with a heavy
+four-bore rifle, and by an extraordinary piece of good luck hit the
+rhino in the one little spot where he is vulnerable, otherwise he must
+have been killed. The huge beast rolled over like a shot hare,
+stone-dead.
+
+One evening on our way back to camp, we thought that we would ride our
+elephants ourselves, and told the mahouts to get down. They had no
+fancy for walking two miles back to camp, and accordingly, in some
+mysterious manner of which they have the secret, gave their charges
+private but definite orders. I seated myself on Chota Begum's neck,
+put my feet in the string stirrups, and took the big _ankus_ in
+my hand. The others did the same. I then ordered Chota Begum to go on,
+using the exact words the mahout did. Chota Begum commenced walking
+round and round in a small circle, and the eight other elephants all
+did the same. I tried cajoling her as the mahout did, and assured her
+that she was a "Pearl" and my "Heart's Delight." Chota Begum continued
+walking round and round in a small circle, as did all the other
+elephants. I changed my tactics, and made the most unmerited
+insinuations as to her mother's personal character, at the same time
+giving her a slight hint with the blunt end of the _ankus_. Chota Begum
+continued stolidly walking round and round. Meanwhile language most
+unsuited to a Sunday School arose from other members of the party, who
+were also careering round and round in small circles. Finally an Irish
+A.D.C. summed up the situation by crying, "These mahouts have us beat,"
+whereupon we capitulated, and a simultaneous shout went up, "Ohe,
+Mahout-log!" It is but seldom that one sees a native of India laughing,
+but those mahouts, when they emerged from the cover of some bamboos,
+were simply bent double with laughter. How they had conveyed their
+wishes to the elephants beats me still.
+
+The best of things must come to an end, and so did the Cooch Behar
+shoot. It is an experience that I would not have missed for anything,
+especially as I am now too old to hope to be able to repeat it.
+
+The Maharajah was good enough to invite me again the next year, 1892,
+but by that time I was seated in an editorial chair, and could not
+leave London. In the place of the brilliant sunshine of Assam, the
+grimy, murky London atmosphere; instead of the distant roars from the
+jungle, the low thunder of the big "machines" in the basement, as they
+began to revolve, grinding out fresh reading-matter for the insatiable
+British public.
+
+The memories, however, remain. Blazing sunlight; splendid sport;
+endless tracts of khaki-coloured jungle; princely hospitality;
+pleasant fellowship; cheery company.
+
+What more can any one ask?
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+Mighty Kinchinjanga--The inconceivable splendours of a Himalayan
+sunrise--The last Indian telegraph-office--The irrepressible British
+Tommy--An improvised garden--An improvised Durbar Hall--A splendid
+ceremony--A native dinner--The disguised Europeans--Our shocking
+table-manners--Incidents--Two impersonations; one successful, the
+other reverse--I come off badly--Indian jugglers--The rope-trick--The
+juggler, the rope, and the boy--An inexplicable incident--A performing
+cobra scores a success--Ceylon "Devil Dancers"--Their performance--The
+Temple of the Tooth--The uncovering of the Tooth--Details
+concerning--An abominable libel--Tea and coffee--Peradeniya
+Gardens--The upas tree of Java--Colombo an Eastern Clapham
+Junction--The French lady and the savages--The small Bermudian and the
+inhabitants of England.
+
+
+During our early morning walks through the jungle-tracts of Assam, on
+clear days we occasionally caught a brief glimpse of a glittering
+white cone on the horizon. This was mighty Kinchinjanga, the second
+highest mountain in the world, distant then from us I should be afraid
+to say how many miles.
+
+To see Kinchinjanga to perfection, one must go to Darjeeling. What a
+godsend this cool hill-station is to Calcutta, for in twenty hours the
+par-boiled Europeans by the Hooghly can find themselves in a
+temperature like that of an English April. At Silliguri, where the
+East Bengal Railway ends, some humorist has erected, close to the
+station, a sign-post inscribed "To Lhassa 359 miles." The sign-post
+has omitted to state that this entails an ascent of 16,500 feet. The
+Darjeeling-Himalayan Railway, an intrepid little mountain-climber,
+looks as though it had come out of a toy-shop, for the gauge is only
+two feet, and the diminutive engines and carriages could almost be
+pulled about with a string. As the little train pants its leisurely
+way up 6000 feet, it is worth while noticing how the type of the
+country people changes. The brown-skinned Aryan type of the plains is
+soon replaced by the yellow, flat-faced Mongolian type of the hills,
+and the women actually have a tinge of red in their cheeks.
+
+The first time that I was at Darjeeling it was veiled in perpetual
+mists; on the last occasion, to compensate for this, there were ten
+days of continual clear weather. Then it is that it is worth while
+getting up at 5.30 a.m. and going down into a frost-nipped garden,
+there to wait patiently in the dark. In the eastern sky there is that
+faintest of jade-green glimmers, known as the "false dawn"; below it
+the deep valleys are still wrapped in dark purple shadows, when quite
+suddenly Homer's "rosy-fingered dawn," _rododachtulos Aeos_, (was
+ever more beautiful epithet coined?) lays one shy, tentative
+finger-tip of blazing, flaming crimson on a vast unseen bulk, towering
+up 28,000 feet into the air. Then quickly comes a second flaming
+finger-tip, and a third, until you are fronting a colossal pyramid of
+the most intensely vivid rose-colour imaginable. It is a glorious
+sight! Suddenly, in one minute, the crimson splendour is replaced by
+the most dazzling, intense white, and as much as the eye can grasp of
+the two-thousand-mile-long mountain-rampart springs into light, peak
+after peak, blazing with white radiance, whilst the world below is
+still slumbering in the half-shadows, and the valleys are filled with
+purple darkness. I do not believe that there is any more splendidly
+sublime sight to be seen in the whole world. For a while the eternal
+snows, unchanging in their calm majesty, dominate the puny world
+below, and then, because perhaps it would not be good to gaze for long
+on so magnificent a spectacle, the mists fall and the whole scene is
+blotted out, leaving in the memory a revelation of unspeakable
+grandeur. I saw this sunrise daily for a week, and its glories seemed
+greater every day. For some reason that I cannot explain it always
+recalled to me a passage in Job xxxviii, "When the morning stars sang
+together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy."
+
+No one has ever yet succeeded in scaling Kinchinjanga, and I do not
+suppose that any one ever will.
+
+Darjeeling itself, in spite of its magnificent surroundings, looks
+like a portion of a transplanted London suburb, but there is a certain
+piquancy in reflecting that it is only fifteen miles from the borders
+of Tibet. The trim, smug villas of Dalhousie and Auckland Roads may
+have electric light, and neat gardens full of primroses; fifteen miles
+away civilisation, as we understand the term, ends. There are neither
+roads, post-offices, telegraphs nor policemen; these tidy commonplace
+"Belle Vues," "Claremonts" and "Montpeliers" are on the very threshold
+of the mysterious Forbidden Land. An Army doctor told me that he had
+been up at the last frontier telegraph-office of India. It is well
+above the line of snows, and one would imagine it a terrible place of
+captivity for the Sergeant and four Privates (all white men) in charge
+of it, but the spirits of the British Tommy are unquenchable. The men
+had amused themselves by painting notices, and the perpetual snow
+round the telegraph-office was dotted with boards: "this way to the
+swings and boats"; "the public are requested not to walk on the newly
+sown grass"; "try our famous shilling teas"; "all season-tickets must
+be shown at the barrier," and many more like them. It takes a great
+deal to depress the average British soldier.
+
+Natives of India are extraordinarily good at "camouflaging" improvised
+surroundings, for they have been used to doing it for centuries. I was
+once talking to Lord Kitchener at his official house in Fort William,
+Calcutta, when he asked me to come and have a look at the garden. He
+informed me that he was giving a garden-party to fifteen hundred
+guests in three days' time, and wondered whether the space were
+sufficient for it. I told him that I was certain that it was not, and
+that I doubted whether half that number could get in. "Very well,"
+said Lord Kitchener, "I shall have the whole of the Fort ditch turned
+into a garden to-morrow." Next day he had eight hundred coolies at
+work. They levelled the rough sand, marked out with pegs walks of
+pounded bricks, which they flattened, sowed the sand with mustard and
+cress and watered it abundantly to counterfeit lawns, and finally
+brought cartloads of growing flowers, shrubs and palms, which they
+"plunged" in the mustard-and-cress lawns, and in thirty-six hours
+there was a garden apparently established for years. It is true that
+the mustard-and-cress lawns did not bear close inspection, but, on the
+other hand, you could eat them, which you cannot do with ours. Lord
+Kitchener was fond of saying that he had never been intended for a
+soldier, but for an architect and house-decorator. Certainly the
+additions made to his official house, which were all carried out from
+his own designs, were very effective and in excellent taste.
+
+In a country like India, where so much takes place out of doors,
+wonderful effects can be produced, as Lord Kitchener said, with some
+rupees, some native boys, and a good many yards of insulated wire. The
+boys are sent climbing up the trees; they drop long pieces of twine to
+which the electric wires are tied; they haul them up, and proceed to
+wire the trees and to fix coloured bulbs up to their very tops. Night
+comes; a switch is pressed, and every tree in the garden is a blaze of
+ruby, sapphire, or emerald, with the most admirable result.
+
+Lord Minto was holding a large Investiture of the "Star of India" the
+last time that I was in Calcutta. He wished to have at least two
+thousand people present, and large as are the rooms at Government
+House, not one of them would contain anything like that number, so
+Lord Minto had an immense canvas Durbar Hall constructed. Here again
+the useful factor comes in of knowing to a day when the earliest
+possible shower of rain is due. The tent, a huge flat-topped
+"Shamyana," was, when finished, roughly paved with bricks, over which
+were spread priceless Persian and Indian carpets from the "Tosho
+Khana" or Treasury. The sides and roof were stretched at one end with
+sulphur-coloured Indian silk, at the other with pale blue silk, the
+yellow silk with a two-foot border of silver tinsel, the blue edged
+with gold tinsel. Cunning craftsmen from Agra fashioned "camouflage"
+doorways and columns of plaster, coloured and gilt in the style of the
+arabesques in the Alhambra, and the thing was done; almost literally,
+
+  "Out of the earth a fabric huge
+  Rose like an exhalation,"
+
+and it would be impossible to imagine a more splendid setting for a
+great pageant. Some one on the Viceroy's staff must have had a great
+gift for stage-management, for every detail had been carefully thought
+out. The scarlet and gold of the Troopers of the Body-guard, standing
+motionless as brown statues, the mace-men with their gilt standards,
+the entry of the Rajahs, all in full gala costume, with half the
+amount of our pre-war National Debt hanging round their necks in the
+shape of diamonds and of uncut rubies and emeralds, the Knights of the
+Star of India in their pale-blue mantles, the Viceroy seated on his
+silver-gilt throne at the top of a flight of steps, on which all the
+Durbar carpets of woven gold were displayed, made, under the blaze of
+electric light, an amazingly gorgeous spectacle only possible in the
+East, and it would be difficult for any European to have equalled the
+immense dignity of the Native Princes.
+
+Custom forbids the Viceroy's wife to dine out, but it had been long
+agreed between Lady Lansdowne and the Maharanee of Cooch Behar, that
+should she ever return to India as a private person she should come to
+a dinner served native fashion, "on the floor." My sister having
+returned to Calcutta for her son's marriage in 1909, the Maharanee
+reminded her of this promise. Upon arriving at the house, Lady
+Lansdowne and two other European ladies were conducted up-stairs to be
+arrayed in native garb, whilst the Maharajah's sons with great glee
+took charge of myself, of yet another nephew of mine, and of the
+Viceroy's head aide-de-camp. Although it can hardly be taken as a
+compliment, truth compels me to confess that the young Cooch Behars
+considered my figure reminiscent of that of a Bengalee gentleman. With
+some slight shock to my modesty, I was persuaded to discard my
+trousers, being draped in their place with over thirty yards of white
+muslin, wound round and round, and in and out of my lower limbs. A
+dark blue silk tunic, and a flat turban completed my transformation
+into a Bengalee country squire, or his equivalent. My nephew, being
+very slight and tall, was at once turned into a Sikh, with skin-tight
+trousers, a very high turban, and the tightest of cloth-of-gold
+tunics, whilst the other young man, a good-looking dark young fellow,
+became a Rajput prince, and shimmered with silver brocades. I must own
+that European ladies do not show up to advantage in the native
+_saree_. Their colouring looks all wrong, and they have not the
+knack of balancing their unaccustomed draperies. Our ladies all looked
+as though they were terrified that their voluminous folds would
+suddenly slip off (which, indeed, they owned was the case), leaving
+them most indelicately lightly clad. One could not help observing the
+contrast between the nervousness of the three European ladies, draped
+respectively in white and gold, pink and silver, and blue and gold,
+and the grace with which the Maharanee, with the ease of long
+practice, wore her becoming _saree_ of brown and cloth of gold. As
+it had been agreed that strict native fashion was to be observed, we
+were all shoeless. The Maharanee, laughing like a child, sprinkled us
+with rose-water, and threw garlands of flowers and wreaths of tinsel
+round our necks. I felt like a walking Christmas-tree as we went down
+to dinner.
+
+Round a large, empty, marble-paved room, twelve little red-silk beds
+were disposed, one for each guest. In front of each bed stood an
+assemblage of some thirty silver bowls, big and little, all grouped
+round a large silver platter, piled a foot high with a pyramid of
+rice. This was the entire dinner, and there were, of course, neither
+knives nor forks. No one who has not tried it can have any idea of the
+difficulty of plunging the right hand into a pile of rice, of
+attempting to form a ball of it, and then dipping it at haphazard into
+one of the silver bowls of mysterious preparations. Very little of my
+rice ever reached my mouth, for it insisted on spreading itself
+greasily over the marble floor, and I was gratified at noting that the
+European ladies managed no better than I did. Added to which,
+half-lying, half-reclining on the little silk beds, the unaccustomed
+European gets attacked by violent cramps; one is also conscious of the
+presence of bones in the most unexpected portions of one's anatomy,
+and these bones begin aching furiously in the novel position. Some
+native dishes are excellent; others must certainly be acquired tastes.
+For instance, after a long course of apprenticeship one might be in a
+position to appreciate snipe stewed in rose-water, and I am convinced
+that asafoetida as a dressing to chicken must be delicious to those
+trained to it from their infancy. A quaint sweet, compounded of
+cocoa-nut cream and rose-water, and gilded all over with gold-leaf,
+lingers in my memory. As hands naturally get greasy, eating in this
+novel fashion, two servants were constantly ready with a silver basin
+and a long-necked silver ewer, with which to pour water over soiled
+hands. This basin and ewer delighted me, for in shape they were
+exactly like the ones that "the little captive maid" was offering to
+Naaman's wife in a picture which hung in my nursery as a child, I
+liked watching the graceful play of the wrists and arms of the
+Maharanee and her daughters as they conveyed food to their mouths; it
+was a contrast to the clumsy, ineffectual efforts of the Europeans.
+
+The aide-de-camp looked so wonderfully natural as a Rajput prince (and
+that, too, without any brown make-up) that we wished him to dress-up
+in the same clothes next day and to go and write his name on the
+Viceroy, to see if he could avoid detection.
+
+These sorts of impersonations have to be done very thoroughly if they
+are to succeed. I have recounted elsewhere how my father won the
+rowing championship of the Mediterranean with his four-oar, in 1866.
+The course being such a severe one, his crew had to train very
+rigorously. It occurred to my father, who was extremely fond of boxing
+himself, that a little daily practice with the gloves might with
+advantage form part of the training. He accordingly had four pairs of
+boxing-gloves sent out from England, and he and the crew had daily
+bouts in our coach-house. The Duc de Vallombrosa was a great friend of
+my family's, and used to watch this boxing with immense interest. The
+Duc was a huge man, very powerfully built, but had had no experience
+with the gloves. The present Sir David Erskine was the youngest member
+of the crew, and was very slender and light built, and it struck my
+father one day that it would be interesting to see this comparative
+stripling put on the gloves with the great burly Frenchman. Sir David
+realised that his only chance with his huge brawny opponent was to
+tire him out, for should this formidable Colossus once get home on
+him, he would be done. He made great play with his foot-work, skipping
+round his big opponent and pommelling every inch of his anatomy that
+he could reach, and successfully dodging the smashing blows that his
+slow-moving antagonist tried to deal him. Suddenly, and quite
+unexpectedly, the big Frenchman collapsed. The Duc de Vallombrosa took
+his defeat in the most sportsmanlike fashion, but he remembered who
+had originally proposed the match.
+
+A week later my father was riding home from a picnic with some
+ladies. As their horses were tired, he proposed that they should save
+a long round by riding along the railway line and over a railway
+bridge. The Due de Vallombrosa heard of this. Some few nights later
+two gendarmes in full uniform appeared at our villa after dark, and
+the bigger of the two demanded in the most peremptory fashion to be
+taken in to my father at once, leaving the younger one to watch the
+front door, where we could all see him marching up and down. When
+ushered in to my father, the gendarme, a huge, fiercely bearded man,
+adopted the most truculent manner. It had come to the knowledge of the
+police, he said, that my father had ridden on horse-back over a
+railway bridge, and along the line. Did he admit it? My father at once
+owned that he had done so, but pleaded ignorance, should he have
+broken any rule. Ignorance was no excuse, retorted the gendarme, even
+foreigners were supposed to know the law. The big bearded gendarme,
+whose tone became more hectoring and bullying every moment, went on to
+say that my father had broken Article 382 of the French Penal Code, a
+very serious offence indeed, punishable with from three to six months'
+imprisonment. My father smiled, and drawing out his pocket-book, said
+that he imagined that the offence could be compounded. The stern
+officer of the law grew absolutely furious; did my father suppose that
+a French gendarme could be bribed into forgetting his duty? He would
+now take my father to the lock-up to pass the night there until the
+_proces verbal_ should be drawn up, and though he regretted it,
+his orders in similar cases were always to handcuff his prisoners. The
+family, who had gathered together on hearing the loud altercation,
+were struck with consternation. The idea of our parent being led in
+fetters through a French town, and then flung into a French dungeon,
+was so unspeakably painful to us that we were nearly throwing
+ourselves at the big policeman's feet to implore him to spare our
+progenitor, when the burly gendarme suddenly pulled off his false
+beard, revealing the extensive but familiar features of the Duc de
+Vallombrosa. The second slight-built gendarme at the door, proved to
+be General Sir George Higginson, most admirably made up. My father
+insisted on the two gendarmes dining with us. As our servants were not
+in the secret, the presence of two French policemen in uniform at the
+family dinner-table must have rather surprised them.
+
+I must plead guilty myself to another attempt at impersonation. During
+my father's second term of office as Lord Lieutenant of Ireland, my
+mother had a severe nervous breakdown, due to the unexpected death of
+a very favourite sister of mine. One of the principal duties of a Lord
+Lieutenant is (or rather was) to entertain ceaselessly, and private
+mourning was not supposed to interfere with this all-important task.
+So, after a respite of four months, the endless round of dinners,
+dances, and balls recommenced, but my mother could not forget her
+loss, and had no heart for any festivities, nor did she wish to meet
+strangers. My father took a house for her on the sea-coast near
+Dublin, to which she retired, and my only remaining unmarried sister
+took, with Queen Victoria's permission, my mother's place as Lady
+Lieutenant for two years.
+
+A brother cannot be an impartial judge of his sister's personal
+appearance, but I have always understood that my seven sisters were
+regarded by most people as ranking only second to the peerless
+Moncrieffe sisters as regards beauty. Certainly I thought this
+particular sister, the late Lady Winterton, surpassed the others in
+outward appearance, for she had beautiful and very refined features,
+and the most exquisite skin and complexion. I thought her a most
+lovely apparition when covered with my mother's jewels.
+
+In those days (how far off they seem!) one of the great events of the
+Dublin Season was the Gala-night at the theatre, or "Command Night" as
+it was called, when all the men wore uniform or Court dress, and the
+ladies their very best clothes. When the Lord and Lady Lieutenant
+entered the State box, attended by the various members of their
+Household, the audience stood up, the band playing "God Save the
+Queen!" (yes, that was in Dublin in 1875!), and the Viceregal pair
+then bowed their acknowledgments to the house from their box.
+
+On the "Command Night" in 1875 my sister took my mother's place, and,
+as I have already said, diamonds were exceedingly becoming to her.
+According to custom, she went to the front of the box, and made a low
+sweeping curtsey to the audience. Ten days later she received a letter
+from an unknown correspondent, together with a photograph of a portly
+elderly man with large grey whiskers. He had been taken in an unusual
+position, for he was making a low bow and holding his high hat at
+arm's length from him. The writer explained that on the Command Night
+my sister had bowed to him in the most marked way. So taken aback was
+he, that he had not acknowledged it. He, therefore, to make amends,
+had had himself photographed in an attitude of perpetual salutation.
+Other letters rained in on my sister from the eccentric individual,
+and he sent her almost weekly fresh presentments of his
+unprepossessing exterior, but always in a bowing attitude. We made,
+naturally, inquiries about this person, and found that he was an
+elderly widower, a hatter by trade, who had retired from business
+after making a considerable fortune, and was living in Rathmines, a
+South Dublin suburb. The hatter was undoubtedly mad, a mental
+infirmity for which there is, of course, ample precedent in the case
+of gentlemen of his profession.
+
+On one occasion, when my sister was leaving for England, the hatter,
+having purchased a number of fireworks, chartered a rowing-boat, and
+as the mail-steamer cleared the Kingstown pier-heads, a _bouquet_
+of rockets and Roman candles coruscated before the eyes of the
+astonished passengers. I was then eighteen, and as none of us had set
+eyes on the hatter, it occurred to me that it would be rather fun to
+impersonate him, so, taking a photograph with me as guide, I got his
+bald grey head and long grey whiskers accurately copied by a Dublin
+theatrical wig-maker. It would have been difficult to carry out my
+idea at the Viceregal Lodge, for in the hall there, in addition to the
+regular hall-porter, there was always a constable in uniform and a
+plain-clothes man on duty, to prevent the entry of unauthorised
+persons, so I waited until we had moved to Baron's Court. Here I made
+careful preparations, and arranged to dress and makeup at the house of
+the Head-Keeper, a great ally of mine. I was met here by a hack-car
+ordered from the neighbouring town, and drove up to the front door
+armed with a nosegay the size of a cart-wheel, composed of dahlias,
+hollyhocks and sunflowers. I gave the hatter's name at the door, and
+was ushered by the unsuspecting footman into a library, where I waited
+an interminable time--with my gigantic bouquet in my hand. At length
+the door opened, but instead of my sister, as I had anticipated, it
+admitted my father, and my father had a hunting-crop in his hand, and
+to the crop was attached a heavy thong. His first words left me in no
+doubt as to his attitude. "So, sir," he thundered, "you are the
+individual who has had the impertinence to pester my daughter with
+your attentions. I am going to give you, sir, a lesson that you will
+remember to the end of your life," and the crop was lifted.
+Fortunately the room was crowded with furniture, so, crouching between
+tables, and dodging behind sofas, I was able to elude the thong until
+I had tugged my wig off. The spirit-gum manufactured in those days must
+have been vastly superior to that made now, for nothing would induce
+my whiskers to part company with my face. Yelling out my identity, in
+spite of the hatter's tactlessly adhesive whiskers, I made one bolt
+for the open window, having successfully evaded the whirling crop
+every time, but it was a lamentably tame ending to a carefully planned
+drama.
+
+Remembering these family incidents, we decided that it would be as
+well to abandon the idea of a visit to Government House by a
+distinguished Rajput nobleman.
+
+I may possibly have been unfortunate in my personal experiences of
+Indian jugglers, but I have never seen them perform any trick that was
+difficult of explanation. For instance, the greatly over-rated Mango
+trick, as I have seen it, was an almost childish performance. Having
+made his heap of sand, inserted the mango-stone, and watered it, the
+juggler covered it with a large basket, and _put his hands under the
+basket_. He did this between each stage of the growth of the tree.
+The plants in their various stages of growth were, of course, twisted
+round the inside of the basket, and he merely substituted one for
+another.
+
+Colonel Barnard, at one time Chief of Police in Calcutta, told me a
+most curious story. We have all heard of the Indian "rope-trick," but
+none of us have met a person who actually saw it with his own eyes:
+the story never reaches us at first-hand, but always at second- or
+third-hand, exactly like the accounts one heard from credulous people
+in 1914 of the passage of the 75,000 Russian soldiers through England.
+No one had actually seen them, but every one knew somebody else whose
+wife's cousin had actually conversed with these mysterious Muscovites,
+or had seen trains with closely veiled windows rushing at dead of
+night towards London, crammed to overflowing with Russian warriors.
+
+In the same way Colonel Barnard had never met an eye-witness of the
+rope-trick, but his policemen had received orders to report to him the
+arrival in Calcutta of any juggler professing to do it. At length one
+of the police informed him that a man able to perform the trick had
+reached Calcutta. He would show it on one condition: that Colonel
+Barnard should be accompanied by one friend only. The Colonel took
+with him one of his English subordinates; he also took with him his
+Kodak, into which he had inserted a new roll of films. They arrived at
+a poor house in the native quarter, where they were ushered into a
+small courtyard thick with the dense smoke arising from two braziers
+burning mysterious compounds. The juggler, naked except for his
+loin-cloth, appeared and commenced salaaming profoundly, continuing
+his exaggerated salaams for some little while. Eventually he produced
+a long coil of rope. To Colonel Barnard's inexpressible surprise, the
+rope began paying away, as sailors would say, out of the juggler's
+hand of its own accord, and went straight up into the air. Colonel
+Barnard kodaked it. It went up and up, till their eyes could no longer
+follow it. Colonel Barnard kodaked it again. Then a small boy,
+standing by the juggler, commenced climbing up this rope, suspended to
+nothing, supported by nothing. He was kodaked. The boy went up and up,
+till he disappeared from view. The smoke from the herbs smouldering in
+the braziers seemed almost to blot out the courtyard from view. The
+juggler, professing himself angry with the boy for his dilatoriness,
+started in pursuit of him up this rope, hanging on nothing. He was
+kodaked, too. Finally the man descended the rope, and wiped a
+blood-stained knife, explaining that he had killed the boy for
+disobeying his orders. He then pulled the rope down and coiled it up,
+and suddenly the boy reappeared, and together with his master, began
+salaaming profoundly. The trick was over.
+
+The two Europeans returned home absolutely mystified. With their own
+eyes they had seen the impossible, the incredible. Then Colonel
+Barnard went into his dark room and developed his negatives, with an
+astounding result. _Neither the juggler, nor the boy, nor the rope
+had moved at all_. The photographs of the ascending rope, of the
+boy climbing it, and of the man following him, were simply blanks,
+showing the details of the courtyard and nothing else. Nothing
+whatever had happened, but how, in the name of all that is wonderful
+had the impression been conveyed to two hard-headed, matter-of-fact
+Englishmen? Possibly the braziers contained cunning preparations of
+hemp or opium, unknown to European science, or may have been burning
+some more subtle brain-stealer; possibly the deep salaams of the
+juggler masked hypnotic passes, but somehow he had forced two
+Europeans to see what he wished them to see.
+
+On one occasion in Colombo, in Ceylon, there was an unrehearsed
+episode in a juggler's performance. I was seated on the verandah of
+the Grand Oriental Hotel which was crowded with French passengers from
+an outward-bound Messageries boat which had arrived that morning. A
+snake-charmer was showing off his tricks and reaping a rich harvest.
+The juggler went round with his collecting bowl, leaving his
+performing cobras in their basket. One cobra, probably devoid of the
+artistic temperament, or finding stage-life uncongenial to him,
+hungered for freedom, and, leaving his basket, glided swiftly on to
+the crowded verandah. He certainly occupied the middle of the stage at
+that moment and had the "spot-light" full on him, for every eye was
+riveted on the snake, and never was such a scene of consternation
+witnessed. Every one jumped on to the tables, women fainted and
+screamed, and the Frenchmen, for some unknown reason, all drew their
+revolvers. It turned out afterwards that the performing cobras had all
+had their poison-fangs drawn, and were consequently harmless.
+
+Its inhabitants declare that Ceylon is the most beautiful island in
+the world. Those who have seen Jamaica will, I think, dispute this
+claim, though Kandy, nestling round its pretty little lake, and
+surrounded by low hills, is one of the loveliest spots imaginable. It
+is also the most snake-infested spot I ever set foot in.
+
+The Colonial Secretary, Sir Hugh Clifford, whom I had previously met
+in Trinidad, had succeeded with some difficulty in persuading a band
+of "Devil Dancers" to leave their jungle fastnesses, and to give an
+exhibition of their uncanny dances in his garden; for, as a rule,
+these people dislike any Europeans seeing them engaged in their
+mysterious rites. The Colonial Secretary's dining-room was as
+picturesque in its setting as any stage scene. The room was surrounded
+with open arches, through which peeped the blue-velvet night sky and
+dim silhouettes of unfamiliar tropical growths; in the place of
+electric or mechanical punkahs, a tall red-and-gold clad Cingalee
+stood behind every guest waving continuously a long-handled, painted
+palm-leaf fan. The simultaneous rhythmic motion of the fans recalled
+the temple scene at the end of the first Act of _Aida_. We found
+the "Devil Dancers" grouped in the garden, some thirty in number. The
+men were all short and very dark-skinned; they wore a species of kilt
+made of narrow strips of some white metal, which clashed furiously
+when they moved. Their legs and chests were naked except for festoons
+of white shells worn necklace-wise. On their heads they had curious
+helmets of white metal, branching into antlers, and these headdresses
+were covered with loose, jangling, metallic strips. The men had their
+faces, limbs, and bodies painted in white arabesques, which, against
+the dark skins, effectually destroyed any likeness to human beings. It
+would be difficult to conceive of anything more uncanny and less human
+than the appearance of these Devil Dancers as they stood against a
+background of palms in the black night, their painted faces lit up by
+the flickering glare of smoky torches. As soon as the raucous horns
+blared out and the tom-toms began throbbing in their maddening,
+syncopated rhythm, the pandemonium that ensued, when thirty men,
+whirling themselves in circles with a prodigious clatter of metals,
+began shrieking like devils possessed, as they leaped into the air,
+was quite sufficient to account for the terror of the Cingalee
+servants, who ran and hid themselves, convinced that they were face to
+face with real demons escaped from the Pit.
+
+Like all Oriental performances it was far too long. The dancers
+shrieked and whirled themselves into a state of hysteria, and would
+have continued dancing all night, had they not been summarily
+dismissed. As far as I could make out, this was less of an attempt to
+propitiate local devils than an endeavour to frighten them away by
+sheer terror. It was unquestionably a horribly uncanny performance,
+what with the white streaked faces and limbs, and the clang of the
+metal dresses; the surroundings, too, added to the weird, unearthly
+effect, the dark moonless night, the dim masses of forest closing in
+on the garden, and the uncertain flare of the resinous torches.
+
+Amongst others invited to see the Devil Dancers was a French
+traveller, a M. Des Etangs, a singularly cultivated man, who had just
+made a tour of all the French possessions in India. M. Des Etangs was
+full of curiosity about the so-called "Sacred Tooth" of Buddha, which
+is enshrined in the "Temple of the Tooth," and makes Kandy a
+peculiarly sacred place to the Buddhist world.
+
+The temple, a small but very picturesque building, overhangs the lake,
+and is surrounded by a moat, full of the fattest carp and tortoises I
+ever saw. Every pilgrim to the shrine throws rice to these carp, and
+the unfortunate fish have grown to such aldermanic amplitude of
+outline that they can only just waddle, rather than swim, through the
+water.
+
+The Buddhist community must be of a most accommodating temperament.
+The original tooth of Buddha was brought to Ceylon in A.D. 411. It was
+captured about 1315 and taken to India, but was eventually restored to
+Kandy. The Portuguese captured it again in 1560, burnt it, and ground
+it to powder, but the resourceful Vikrama Bahu at once manufactured a
+new tooth out of a piece of ivory, and the Buddhists readily accepted
+this false tooth as a worthy successor to the real one, extended the
+same veneration to it as they did to its predecessor, and, more
+important than all, increased rather than diminished their offerings
+to the "Temple of the Tooth."
+
+M. Des Etangs had the whole history of the tooth at his fingers' end,
+and Sir Hugh Clifford, who as Colonial Secretary was the official
+protector of the tooth, very kindly offered to have it uncovered for
+us in two days' time. He added that the priests were by no means
+averse to receiving such an official order, for they would telegraph
+the news all over the island, and thousands of pilgrims would arrive
+to view the exposed tooth, each one, of course, leaving an offering,
+to the great benefit of the temple.
+
+Sir Hugh invited M. Des Etangs, the late General Oliphant and myself
+to be present at the uncovering, which had to take place at seven in
+the morning, in order to afford a sufficiently long day for the
+exposition. He implored us all, in view of the immense veneration with
+which the Buddhists regarded the ceremony of the uncovering, to keep
+perfectly serious, and to adopt a becoming attitude of respect, and he
+begged us all to give a slight bow when the Buddhists made their
+prostrations.
+
+Accordingly, two days later at 7 a.m., M. Des Etangs, General Oliphant
+and I found ourselves in a lower room of the temple, the actual
+sanctuary of the tooth itself, into which Christians are not generally
+admitted. We were, of course, the only Europeans present.
+
+Never have I felt anything like the heat of that sanctuary. We dripped
+and poured with perspiration. The room was entirely lined with copper,
+walls and roof alike, and the closed shutters were also
+copper-sheathed. Every scrap of light and air was excluded; there must
+have been at least two hundred candles alight, the place was thick
+with incense and heavy with the overpowering scent of the frangipani,
+or "temple-flower" as it is called in Ceylon, which lay in piled white
+heaps on silver dishes all round the room. The place was crowded with
+priests and leading Buddhists, and we Europeans panted and gasped for
+air in that stifling, over-scented atmosphere. Presently the
+Hereditary Keeper of the Tooth, who was not a priest but the lineal
+descendant of the old Kings of Kandy, knelt down and recited a long
+prayer. At its conclusion eight men staggered across the room, bearing
+a vast bell-shaped shrine of copper about seven feet high. This was
+the outer case of the tooth. The Hereditary Keeper produced an archaic
+key, and the outer case was unlocked. The eight men shuffled off with
+their heavy burden, and the next covering, a much smaller, bell-shaped
+case of gold, stood revealed. All the natives present prostrated
+themselves, and we, in accordance with our orders, bowed our heads.
+This was repeated six times, the cases growing richer and more heavily
+jewelled as we approached the final one. The seventh case was composed
+entirely of cut rubies and diamonds, a shimmering and beautiful piece
+of work, presented by the Buddhists of Burmah, but made, oddly enough,
+in Bond Street, W.1.
+
+When opened, this disclosed the largest emerald known, carved into the
+shape of a Buddha, and this emerald Buddha held the tooth in his
+hand. After prolonged prostrations, the Hereditary Keeper took a
+lotus-flower, beautifully fashioned out of pure gold without alloy,
+and placed the tooth in it, on a little altar heaped with frangipani
+flowers. The uncovering was over; we three Europeans left the room in
+a half-fainting condition, gasping for air, suffocated with the
+terrific heat, and stifled with the heavy perfumes.
+
+The octagonal tower over the lake, familiar to all visitors to Kandy,
+contains the finest Buddhist theological library in the world. The
+books are all in manuscript, each one encased in a lacquer box, though
+the bookcases themselves containing these treasures were supplied by a
+well-known firm in the Tottenham Court Road.
+
+A singularly intelligent young priest, speaking English perfectly,
+showed me the most exquisitely illuminated old Chinese manuscripts, as
+well as treatises in ten other Oriental languages, which only made me
+deplore my ignorance, since I was unable to read a word of any of
+them. The illuminations, though, struck me as fully equal to the
+finest fourteenth-century European work in their extreme minuteness
+and wonderful delicacy of detail. The young priest, whom I should
+suspect of being what is termed in ecclesiastical circles "a spike,"
+was evidently very familiar with the Liturgy of the Church of England,
+but it came with somewhat of a shock to hear him apply to Buddha terms
+which we are accustomed to use in a different connection.
+
+The material prosperity of Ceylon is due to tea and rubber, and the
+admirable Public Works of the colony, roads, bridges and railways,
+seem to indicate that these two commodities produce a satisfactory
+budget. During the Kandy cricket week young planters trooped into the
+place by hundreds. Planters are divided locally into three categories:
+the managers, "Peria Dorai," or "big masters," spoken of as "P. D.'s,"
+the assistants, "Sinna Dorai," or "little masters," labelled
+"S. D.'s," and the premium-pupils, known as "creepers."
+
+Personally I am inclined to discredit the local legend that all male
+children born of white parents in Ceylon come into the world with
+abnormal strength of the right wrist, and a slight inherited callosity
+of the left elbow. This is supposed to be due to their parents having
+rested their left elbows on bar-counters for so many hours of their
+lives; the development of the right wrist being attributed in the same
+way to the number of glasses their fathers have lifted with it. This,
+if authenticated by scientific evidence, would be an interesting
+example of heredity, but I suspect it to be an exaggeration. The
+bar-room in the hotel at Kandy was certainly of vast dimensions, and
+was continuously packed to overflowing during the cricket week, and an
+unusual notice conspicuously displayed, asking "gentlemen to refrain
+from singing in the passages and bedrooms at night," seemed to hint
+that undue conviviality was not unknown in the hotel; but it must be
+remembered that these young fellows work very hard, and lead most
+solitary existences. An assistant-manager on a tea estate may see no
+white man for weeks except his own boss, or "P. D.," so it is
+perfectly natural that when they foregather with other young
+Englishmen of their own age during Colombo race week, or Kandy cricket
+week, they should grow a little uproarious, or even at times exceed
+the strict bounds of moderation, and small blame to them!
+
+Ceylon was formerly a great coffee-producing island, and the
+introduction of tea culture only dates from about 1882. In 1870 a
+fungus began attacking the coffee plantations, and in ten years this
+fungus killed practically all the coffee bushes, and reduced the
+planters to ruin. Instead of whining helplessly over their
+misfortunes, the planters had the energy and enterprise to replace
+their ruined coffee bushes with tea shrubs, and Ceylon is now one of
+the most important sources of the world's tea-supply. Tea-making--by
+which I do not imply the throwing of three spoonfuls of dried leaves
+into a teapot, but the transformation of the green leaf of a camellia
+into the familiar black spirals of our breakfast-tables--is quite an
+art in itself. The "tea-maker" has to judge when the freshly gathered
+leaves are sufficiently withered for him to begin the process, into
+the complications of which I will not attempt to enter. I was much
+gratified, both in Ceylon and Assam, at noting how much of the
+tea-making machinery is manufactured in Belfast, for though Ulster
+enterprise is proverbial, I should never have anticipated it as taking
+this particular line. There is one peculiarly fascinating machine in
+which a mechanical pestle, moving in an eccentric orbit, twists the
+flat leaf into the familiar narrow crescents that we infuse daily. The
+tea-plant is a pretty little shrub, with its pale-primrose,
+cistus-like flowers, but in appearance it cannot compete with the
+coffee tree, with its beautiful dark glossy foliage, its waxy white
+flowers, and brilliant scarlet berries.
+
+Peradeniya Botanical Gardens rank as the second finest in the world,
+being only surpassed by those at Buitenzorg in Java. I had the
+advantage of being shown their beauties by the curator himself, a most
+learned man, and what is by no means a synonymous term, a very
+interesting one, too. Holding the position he did, it is hardly
+necessary to insist on his nationality; his accent was still as marked
+as though he had only left his native Aberdeen a week before. He
+showed me a tall, graceful tree growing close to the entrance, with
+smooth, whitish bark, and a family resemblance to a beech. This was
+the ill-famed upas tree of Java, the subject of so many ridiculous
+legends. The curator told me that the upas (_Antiaris toxicaria_)
+was unquestionably intensely poisonous, juice and bark alike. A
+scratch made on the finger by the bark might have very serious
+results, and the emanations from a newly lopped-off branch would be
+strong enough to bring out a rash; equally, any one foolish enough to
+drink the sap would most certainly die. The stories of the tree giving
+out deadly fumes had no foundation, for the curator had himself sat
+for three hours under the tree without experiencing any bad effects
+whatever. All the legends of the upas tree are based on an account of
+it by a Dr. Foersch in 1783. This mendacious medico declared that no
+living thing could exist within fifteen miles of the tree. The
+Peradeniya curator pointed out that Java was a volcanic island, and
+one valley where the upas flourishes is certainly fatal to all animal
+life owing to the emanations of carbonic acid gas escaping from
+fissures in the soil. It was impossible to look at this handsome tree
+without some respect for its powers of evil, though I doubt if it be
+more poisonous than the West Indian manchineel. This latter
+insignificant tree is so virulently toxic that rain-drops from its
+leaves will raise a blister on the skin.
+
+Amongst the wonders of Peradeniya is a magnificent avenue of talipat
+palms, surely the most majestic of their family, though they require
+intense heat to develop their splendid crowns of leaves.
+
+Colombo has been called the Clapham Junction of the East, for there
+steamship lines from Australia, China, Burmah, and the Dutch East
+Indies all meet, and the most unexpected friends turn up.
+
+I recall one arrival at Colombo in a Messageries Maritimes boat. On
+board was a most agreeable French lady going out with her children to
+join her husband, a French officer in Cochin China. I was leaving the
+ship at Colombo, but induced the French lady to accompany me on shore,
+the children being bribed with the promise of a ride in a "hackery" or
+trotting-bull carriage. None of the party had ever left France before.
+As we approached the landing-stage, which was, as usual, black with
+baggage-coolies waiting for a job, the French children began howling
+at the top of their voices. "The savages! the savages! We're
+frightened at the savages," they sobbed in French; "we want to go back
+to France." Their mother asked me quite gravely whether "the savages"
+here were well-disposed, as she had heard that they sometimes met
+strangers with a shower of arrows. And this in up-to-date,
+electric-lighted Colombo! We might have been Captain Cook landing in
+Tahiti, instead of peaceful travellers making their quiet way to an
+hotel amidst a harmless crowd of tip-seeking coolies.
+
+The unfamiliar is often unnecessarily alarming.
+
+I remember a small ten-year-old white Bermudian boy who accompanied
+his father to England for King George's coronation. The boy had never
+before left his cedar-clad, sunlit native archipelago, and after the
+ship had passed the Needles, and was making her way up the Solent, he
+looked with immense interest at this strange land which had suddenly
+appeared after three thousand miles of water. All houses in Bermuda
+are whitewashed, and their owners are obliged by law to whitewash
+their coral roofs as well. Bermuda, too, is covered with low
+cedar-scrub of very sombre hue, and there are no tall trees. The boy,
+a very sharp little fellow, was astonished at the red-brick of the
+houses on the Isle of Wight, and at their red-tile or dark slate
+roofs, and was also much impressed by the big oaks and lofty elms.
+Finally he turned to his father as the ship was passing Cowes: "Do you
+mean to tell me, Daddy, that the people living in these queer houses
+in this odd country are really human beings like us, and that they
+actually have human feelings like you and me?"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+Frenchmen pleasant travelling companions--The limitations--Vicomte de
+Vogue, the innkeeper and the Ikon--An early oil-burning steamer--A
+modern Bluebeard--His "Blue Chamber"--Dupleix--His ambitious scheme--A
+disastrous period for France--A personal appreciation of the Emperor
+Nicholas II--A learned but versatile Orientalist--Pidgin
+English--Hong-Kong--An ancient Portuguese city in China--Duck junks--A
+comical Marathon race--Canton--Its fascination and its appalling
+smells--The malevolent Chinese devils--Precautions adopted
+against--"Foreign Devils"--The fortunate limitations of Chinese
+devils--The City of the Dead--A business interview.
+
+
+M. Des Etangs, the French traveller to whom I have already alluded,
+agreed to accompany me to the Far East, an arrangement which I
+welcomed, for he was a very cultivated and interesting man.
+Unexpectedly he was detained in Ceylon by a business matter, so I went
+on alone.
+
+I regretted this, for on two previous occasions I had found what a
+pleasant travelling companion an educated Frenchman can be. I do not
+think that the French, as a rule, are either acute or accurate
+observers. They are too apt to start with preconceived theories of
+their own; anything which clashes with the ideas that they have
+already formed is rejected as evidence, whilst the smallest scrap of
+corroborative testimony is enlarged and distorted so that they may be
+enabled to justify triumphantly their original proposition, added to
+which, Frenchmen are, as a rule, very poor linguists. This, of course,
+is speaking broadly, but I fancy that the French mind is very definite
+and clear-cut, yet rather lacking in receptivity. The French suffer
+from the excessive development of the logical faculty in them. This
+same definite quality in the French language, whilst delighting both
+my ear and my intelligence, rightly or wrongly prevents French poetry
+from making any appeal to me; it is too bright and sparkling, there is
+no mystery possible in so clear-cut a medium, added to which, every
+syllable in French having an equal value, no rhythm is possible, and
+French poetry has to rely on rhyme alone.
+
+It is not on the cloudless summer day that familiar objects take on
+vague and fantastic shapes; to effect that, mists and a rain-veiled
+sky are wanted. Then distances are blotted out, and the values of
+nearer objects are transformed under the swirling drifts of vapour,
+and a new dream-world is created under one's very eyes. This is,
+perhaps, merely the point of view of a Northerner.
+
+As far back as 1881, I had made a trip down the Volga to Southern
+Russia with that most delightful of men, the late Vicomte Eugene
+Melchior de Vogue, the French Academician and man-of-letters. I
+absolve Vogue from the accusation of being unable to observe like the
+majority of his compatriots, nor, like them, was he a poor linguist.
+He had married a Russian, the sister of General Anenkoff of Central
+Asian fame; spoke Russian fluently, and very few things escaped his
+notice. Though he was much older than me, no more charming companion
+could be imagined. A little incident at Kazan, on the Volga, amused me
+enormously. We were staying at a most indifferent hotel kept by a
+Frenchman. The French proprietor explained to us that July was the
+month during which the miraculous Ikon of the Kazan Madonna was
+carried from house to house by the priests. The fees for this varied
+from 25 roubles (then 2 pounds 10s.) for a short visit from the Ikon of
+five minutes, to 200 roubles (20 pounds) for the privilege of sheltering
+the miracle-working picture for an entire night. I must add that the
+original Ikon was supposed to have been dug up in Kazan in 1597. In
+1612 it was removed to Moscow, and was transferred again in 1710 to
+Petrograd, where a large and pretentious cathedral was built for its
+reception. In 1812, when Napoleon captured Moscow, the Kazan Madonna
+was hastily summoned from Petrograd, and many Russians implicitly
+believe that the rout of the French was solely due to this
+wonder-working Ikon. In the meanwhile the inhabitants of Kazan
+realised that a considerable financial asset had left their midst, so
+with commendable enterprise they had a replica made of the Ikon, which
+every one accepted as a perfectly satisfactory substitute, much as the
+Cingalees regarded their "Ersatz" Buddha's tooth at Kandy as fully
+equal to the original. The French landlord told us that in view of the
+strong local feeling, he was obliged, in the interests of his
+business, to pay for a visit from the Ikon, "afin de faire marcher mon
+commerce," and he invited Vogue and myself to be present at the
+ceremony.
+
+Next day we stood at the foot of a small back-staircase which had been
+prepared in Russian fashion for the reception of the Madonna. Both the
+steps and banisters of the stairs were entirely draped in clean white
+sheets, to which little sprigs of fir branches had been attached. On a
+landing, also draped with sheets, a little white-covered table with
+two lighted candles was to serve as a _reposoir_ for the Ikon.
+The whole of the hotel staff--all Russians--were present, as well as
+the frock-coated landlord. The Madonna arrived in a gilt
+coach-and-four, a good deal the worse for wear, with a coachman and
+two shaggy-headed footmen, all bareheaded. The priests carried the
+Madonna up to the temporary altar, and the landlord advanced to pay
+his devotions.
+
+Now as a Roman Catholic he had little respect for an Ikon of the
+Eastern Church, nor as a Frenchman could he be expected to entertain
+lively feelings of gratitude to a miracle-working picture which was
+supposed by Russians to have brought about the terrible disasters to
+his countrymen in 1812. Confident in his knowledge that no one
+present, with the exception of Vogue and myself, understood one word
+of French, the landlord fairly let himself go.
+
+Crossing himself many times after the Orthodox fashion, and making the
+low prostrations of the Eastern Church, he began: "Ah! vieille planche
+peinte, tu n'as pas d'idee comme je me fiche de toi." More low
+prostrations, and then, "Et c'est toi vieille croute qui imagines que
+tu as chasse les Francais de ce pays en 1812?" More strenuous
+crossings, "Ah! Zut alors! et re-zut, et re-re zut! sale planche!"
+which may be Englished very freely as "Ah! you old painted board, you
+can have no conception of what I think of you! Are you really
+swollen-headed enough to imagine that it was you who drove the French
+out of Russia in 1812? Yah! then, you ugly old daub, and yah! again!"
+The Russian staff, not understanding one word of this, were much
+impressed by their master's devotional behaviour, but Vogue and I had
+to go into the street and laugh for ten minutes.
+
+The wife of a prominent official boarded the steamer at some
+stopping-place, with her two daughters. They were pretentious folk,
+talking French, and giving themselves tremendous airs. When they heard
+Vogue and me talking the same language, she looked at us, gave a
+sniff, and observed in a loud voice, "Evidently two French commercial
+travellers!" Next morning she ignored our salutations. During the
+great heat of the day she read French aloud to her daughters, and to
+my great joy the book was one of Vogue's. She enlarged on the beauty
+of the style and language, so I could not help saying, "The author
+will much appreciate your compliment, madame, for he is sitting
+opposite you. This is M. de Vogue himself." I need hardly say that the
+under-bred woman overwhelmed us with civilities after that.
+
+The Volga steamers were then built after the type of Mississippi
+boats, with immense superstructures; they were the first oil-burning
+steamers I had ever seen, so I got the Captain's permission to go down
+to the engine-room. Instead of a grimy stokehole full of perspiring
+firemen and piles of coal, I found a clean, white-painted place with
+one solitary but clean man regulating polished taps. The Chief
+Engineer, a burly, red-headed, red-bearded man, came up and began
+explaining things to me. I could then talk Russian quite fluently, but
+the technicalities of marine engineering were rather beyond me, and I
+had not the faintest idea of the Russian equivalents for, say,
+intermediate cylinder, or slide-valve. I stumbled lamely along somehow
+until a small red-haired boy came in and cried in the strongest of
+Glasgow accents, "Your tea is waiting on ye, feyther."
+
+It appeared that the Glasgow man had been Head Engineer of the river
+steamboat company for ten years, but we had neither of us detected the
+other's nationality.
+
+On another occasion, whilst proceeding to India in a Messageries
+Maritimes boat, I made the acquaintance of an M. Bayol, a native of
+Marseilles, who had been for twenty-five years in business at
+Pondicherry, the French colony some 150 miles south of Madras.
+M. Bayol was a typical "Marius," or Marseillais: short, bald, bearded
+and rotund of stomach. It is unnecessary to add that he talked twenty
+to the dozen, with an immense amount of gesticulation, and that he
+could work himself into a frantic state of excitement over anything in
+two minutes. I heard on board that he had the reputation of being the
+shrewdest business man in Southern India. He was most capital company,
+rolling out perpetual jokes and _calembour_, and bubbling over with
+exuberant _joie de vivre_. I think M. Bayol took a fancy to me on
+account of my understanding his Provencale patois, for, as a boy, I
+had learnt French in a Provencale-speaking district.
+
+All Englishmen are supposed in France to suffer from a mysterious
+disease known as "le spleen." I have not the faintest idea of what
+this means. The spleen is, I believe, an internal organ whose
+functions are very imperfectly understood, still it is an accepted
+article of faith in France that every Briton is "devore de spleen,"
+and that this lamentable state of things embitters his whole outlook
+on life, and casts a black shadow over his existence. When I got to
+know M. Bayol better during our evening tramps up and down the deck,
+he asked me confidentially what remedies I adopted when "ronge de
+spleen," and how I combated the attacks of this deplorable but
+peculiarly insular disease, and was clearly incredulous when I failed
+to understand him. This amazing man also told me that he had been
+married five times. Not one of his first four wives had been able to
+withstand the unhealthy climate of Pondicherry for more than eighteen
+months, so, after the demise of his fourth French wife, he had married
+a native, "ne pouvant vivre seul, j'ai tout bonnement epouse une
+indigene."
+
+M. Bayol insisted on showing me the glories of Pondicherry himself, an
+offer which I, anxious to see a Franco-Indian town, readily accepted.
+There is no harbour there, and owing to the heavy surf, the landing
+must be made in a surf-boat, a curious keel-less craft built of thin
+pliant planks _sewn_ together with copper wire, which bobs about on the
+surface of the water like a cork. At Pondicherry, as in all French
+Colonial possessions, an attempt has been made to reproduce a little
+piece of France. There was the dusty "Grande Place," surrounded with
+even dustier trees and numerous cafes; the "Cafe du Progres"; the
+"Cafe de l'Union," and other stereotyped names familiar from a hundred
+French towns, and pale-faced civilians, with a few officers in
+uniform, were seated at the usual little tables in front of them.
+Everything was as different as possible from an average Anglo-Indian
+cantonment: even the natives spoke French, or what was intended to be
+French, amongst themselves. The whole place had a rather dejected,
+out-at-elbows appearance, but it atoned for its diminishing trade by
+its amazing number of officials. That little town seemed to contain
+more bureaucrats than Calcutta, and almost eclipsed our own post-war
+gigantic official establishments. On arriving at my French friend's
+house, the fifth Madame Bayol, a lady of dark chocolate complexion,
+and numerous little pale coffee-coloured Bayols greeted their spouse
+and father with rapturous shouts of delight. Later in the day,
+M. Bayol, drawing me on one side, said, "We have become friends on the
+voyage; I will now show you the room which enshrines my most sacred
+memories," and drawing a key from his pocket, he unlocked a door,
+admitting me to a very large room perfectly bare and empty except for
+four stripped bedsteads standing in the centre. "These, mon ami, are
+the beds on which my four French wives breathed their last, and this
+room is very dear to me in consequence," and the fat little
+Marseillais burst into tears. I have no wish to be unfeeling, but I
+really felt as though I had stumbled undesignedly upon some of the
+more intimate details connected with Bluebeard's matrimonial
+difficulties, and when M. Bayol began, the tears streaming down his
+cheeks, to give me a brief account of his first wife's last moments,
+the influence of this Bluebeard chamber began asserting itself, and it
+was all I could do to refrain from singing (of course very
+sympathetically) the lines from Offenbach's _Barbe-Bleue_ beginning:
+
+  "Ma premiere femme est morte
+  Que le diable l'emporte!"
+
+but on second thoughts I refrained.
+
+M. Bayol's garden reminded me of that of the immortal Tartarin of
+Tarascon, for the only green things in it grew in pots, and nothing
+was over four inches high. The rest of the garden consisted of bare,
+sun-baked tracts of clay, intersected by gravel walks. I felt certain
+that amongst these seedlings there must have been a two-inch high
+specimen of the Baobab "l'arbre geant," the pride of Tartarin's heart,
+the tree which, as he explained, might under favourable conditions
+grow 200 feet high. After all, Marseilles and Tarascon are not far
+apart, and their inhabitants are very similar in temperament.
+
+I was pleased to see a fine statue of Dupleix at Pondicherry, for he
+was a man to whom scant justice has been done by his compatriots. Few
+people seem to realise how very nearly Dupleix succeeded in his design
+of building up a great French empire in India. He arrived in India in
+1715, at the age of eighteen, and amassed a large fortune in
+legitimate trade; he became Administrator of Chandernagore, in Bengal,
+in 1730, and displayed such remarkable ability in this post that in
+1741 he was appointed Governor-General of the French Indies. In 1742
+war broke out between France and Britain, and at the outset the French
+arms were triumphant. Madras surrendered in 1746 to a powerful French
+fleet under La Bourdonnais, the Governor of the Island of Reunion, and
+a counterattack on Pondicherry by Admiral Boscawen's fleet in 1748
+failed utterly, though the defence was conducted by Dupleix, a
+civilian. These easy French successes inspired Dupleix with the idea
+of establishing a vast French empire in India on the ruins of the
+Mogul monarchy, but here he was frustrated by the military genius of
+Clive, who, it must be remembered, started life as a civilian "writer"
+in the East India Company's service. Dupleix encountered his first
+check by Clive's dashing capture of Arcot in 1751. From that time the
+fortunes of war inclined with ever-increasing bias to the British
+side, and the decisive battle of Plassey in 1757 (three years after
+Dupleix's return to France) was a death-blow to the French aspirations
+to become the preponderant power in India.
+
+Dupleix was shabbily treated by France. He received but little support
+from the mother country; the vast sums he had expended from his
+private resources in prosecuting the war were never refunded to him;
+he was consistently maligned by the jealous and treacherous La
+Bourdonnais, and after his recall to France in 1754 his services to
+his country were never recognised, and he died in poverty.
+
+G. B. Malleson's _Dupleix_ is a most impartial and interesting account
+of this remarkable man's life: it has been translated into French and
+is accepted by the French as an accurate text-book.
+
+The whole reign of Louis XV. was a supremely disastrous period for
+French Colonial aspirations. Not only did the dream of a great French
+empire in the East crumble away just as it seemed on the very point of
+realisation, but after Wolfe's victory on the Heights of Abraham at
+Quebec, Canada was formally ceded by France to Britain in 1763, by the
+Treaty of Paris.
+
+This ill fortune pursued France into the succeeding reign of Louis
+XVI., for in April, 1782, Rodney's great victory over Count de Grasse
+off Dominica transferred the Lesser Antilles from French to British
+suzerainty.
+
+The same sort of blight seemed to hang over France during Louis XV.'s
+reign, as overshadowed the Russia of the ill-starred Nicholas II.
+Nothing could possibly go right with either of them, and it may be
+that the prime causes were the same: the assumption of absolute power
+by an irresolute monarch, lacking the intellectual equipment which
+alone would enable him to justify his claims to supreme power--though
+I hasten to disclaim any comparison between these two rulers.
+
+Between Louis XV., vicious, selfish and incapable, always tied to the
+petticoat and caprices of some new mistress, and the unfortunate
+Nicholas II., well-intentioned, and almost fanatically religious, the
+affectionate father and the devoted husband, no comparison is
+possible, except as regards their limitations for the supreme
+positions they occupied.
+
+I have recounted elsewhere how, when Nicholas II. visited India as
+Heir Apparent in 1890, I saw a great deal of him, for he stayed ten
+days with my brother-in-law, Lord Lansdowne, at Calcutta and
+Barrackpore, and I was brought into daily contact with him. The
+Czarevitch, as he then was, had a very high standard of duty, though
+his intellectual equipment was but moderate. He had a perfect craze
+about railway development, and it must not be forgotten that that
+stupendous undertaking, the Trans-Siberian Railway, was entirely due
+to his initiative. At the time of his visit to India, Nicholas II. was
+obsessed with the idea that the relations between Great Britain and
+Russia would never really improve until the Russian railways were
+linked up with the British-Indian system, a proposition which
+responsible Indian Officials viewed with a marked lack of enthusiasm.
+The Czarevitch was courteous, gentle and sincere, but though full of
+good intentions, he was fatally inconstant of purpose, and his mental
+endowments were insufficient for the tremendous responsibilities to
+which he was to succeed, and in that one fact lies the pathos of the
+story of this most unfortunate of monarchs.
+
+To return from the eighteenth to the twentieth century, and from the
+disastrous collapse of the French Colonial Empire to my own infinitely
+trivial personal experiences, I regretted the business which had
+detained M. Des Etangs in Ceylon, and deprived me of the company of so
+agreeable and cultivated a man-of-the-world.
+
+There was a Dr. Munro on board the liner. Dr. Munro, at that time
+Principal of a Calcutta College is, I believe, one of the greatest
+Oriental scholars living. On going into the smoking-room of the
+steamer one morning, I found the genial rotund little Professor at
+work with an exquisitely illuminated Chinese manuscript before him. He
+explained to me that it was a very interesting Chinese document of the
+twelfth century, and that he was translating it into Arabic for the
+benefit of his pupils. The amazing erudition of a man who could
+translate off-hand an ancient Chinese manuscript into Arabic, without
+the aid of dictionaries or of any works of reference, amidst all the
+hubbub of the smoking-room of an ocean liner, left me fairly gasping.
+Dr. Munro had acquired his Oriental languages at the University of
+St. Petersburg, so, in addition to his other attainments, he spoke
+Russian as fluently as English.
+
+There was another side to this merry little Professor. We had on board
+the vivacious and tuneful Miss Grace Palotta, who was making a
+concert-tour round the world. Miss Palotta, whose charming personality
+will be remembered by the frequenters of the old Gaiety Theatre, was a
+Viennese by birth, and she sang those tuneful, airy little Viennese
+songs, known as "Wiener Couplets," to perfection. She readily
+consented to give a concert on board, but said she must be sustained
+by a chorus. Dr. Munro himself selected, trained and led the chorus;
+whilst I had to replace Miss Palotta's accompanist who was prostrate
+with sea-sickness.
+
+And so the big liner crept on slowly into steaming, oily, pale-green
+seas, gliding between vividly green islands in the orchid-house
+temperature of the Malay Peninsula, a part of the world worth
+visiting, if only to eat the supremely delicious mangosteen, though
+even an unlimited diet of this luscious fruit would hardly reconcile
+the average person to a perpetual steam bath, and to an intensely
+enervating atmosphere. Nature must have been in a sportive mood when
+she evolved the durian. This singular Malay fruit smells like all the
+concentrated drains of a town seasoned with onions. One single durian
+can poison out a ship with its hideous odour, yet those able to
+overcome its revolting smell declare the flavour of the fruit to be
+absolutely delicious.
+
+It is a little humiliating for a middle-aged gentleman to find that on
+arriving in China he is expected to revert to the language of the
+nursery, and that he must request his Chinese servant to "go catchee
+me one piecee cuppee tea." On board the Admiral's yacht, it required a
+little reflection before the intimation that "bleakfast belong leady
+top-side" could be translated into the information that breakfast was
+ready on deck. Why adding "ee" to every word should render it more
+intelligible to the Celestial understanding, beats me. There are
+people who think that by tacking "O" on to every English word they
+render themselves perfectly clear to Italians and Spaniards, though
+this theory seems hardly justified by results. "Pidgin English," of
+course, merely means "business English," and has been evolved as an
+easy means of communication for business purposes between Europeans
+and Chinamen. The Governor of Hong-Kong's Chinese secretary prided
+himself on his accurate and correct English. I heard the Governor ask
+this secretary one day where a certain report was. "I placed it in the
+second _business_-hole on your Excellency's desk," answered Mr. Wung
+Ho, who evidently considered it very vulgar to use the term
+"pigeon-hole."
+
+Considering that eighty years ago, when it was first ceded to Britain,
+Hong-Kong was a barren, treeless, granite island, it really is an
+astonishing place. It is easily the handsomest modern city in Asia,
+has a population of 400,000, and is by a long way the busiest port in
+the world. It is an exceedingly pretty place, too, with its rows of
+fine European houses rising in terraces out of a sea of greenery, and
+it absolutely hums with prosperity. If Colombo is the Clapham
+Junction, Hong-Kong is certainly the Crewe of the East, for steamship
+lines to every part of the world are concentrated here. With the
+exception of racing ponies, there is not one horse on the island.
+
+Macao, the old Portuguese colony, is only forty miles from Hong-Kong.
+The arrangements on the river steamers are rather peculiar, for only
+European passengers are allowed on the spar deck. All Chinese
+passengers, of whatever degree, have to descend to the lower decks,
+which are enclosed with strong steel bars. Before the ship starts the
+iron gates of communication are shut and padlocked, so that all
+Chinese passengers are literally enclosed in a steel cage, shut off
+alike from the upper deck and the engine-room. These precautions were
+absolutely necessary, for time and time again gangs of river-pirates
+have come on board these steamers in the guise of harmless passengers;
+at a pre-arranged signal they have overpowered and murdered the white
+officers, thrown the Chinese passengers overboard and then made off
+with the ship and her cargo. An arms-rack of rifles on the European
+deck told its own story.
+
+Macao has belonged to Portugal since 1555. Its harbour has silted up,
+and its once flourishing trade has dwindled to nothing. Gambling
+houses are the only industry of the place. There are row and rows of
+these opposite the steamer landing, all kept by Chinamen, garish with
+coloured electric lights, each one clamorously proclaiming that it is
+the "only first-class gambling house in Macao." A crowded special
+steamer leaves Hong-Kong every Sunday morning for Macao, for the
+special purpose of affording the European community an opportunity to
+leave most of their excess profits in the pockets of the Chinese
+proprietors of these places. The Captain and Chief Engineer of the
+boat, who, it is almost superfluous to add, were of course both Clyde
+men, like good Scots deplored this Sabbath-breaking; but like equally
+good Scots they admitted how very lucrative the Sunday traffic was to
+the steamboat company, and I gathered that they both got a commission
+on this.
+
+The old town of Macao is a piece of sixteenth and seventeenth century
+Portugal transplanted into China. It is wonderful to find a southern
+European town complete with cathedral, "pracas," fountains, and
+statues, dumped down in the Far East. The place, too, is as
+picturesque as a scene from an opera, and China is the last spot where
+one would expect to find lingering traces of Gothic influence in
+carved doorways and other architectural details. As far as externals
+went Camoens, the great Portuguese poet, can scarcely have realised
+his exile during the two years, 1556-1558, of his banishment to Macao.
+He most creditably utilised this period of enforced rest by writing
+_The Lusiads_, a poem which his countrymen are inclined to over
+rate. All the familiar characteristics of an old Portuguese town are
+met with here, the blue and pink colour-washed houses, an ample
+sufficiency of ornate churches, public fountains everywhere, and every
+shop-sign and notice is written in Portuguese, including the
+interminable Portuguese street names. The only thing lacking seemed the
+inhabitants. I presume the town must have some inhabitants, but I did
+not see a single one. Possibly they were taking their siestas, or were
+shut up in their houses, meditating on the bygone glories of Portugal,
+tempered with regrets that they had neglected to dredge their harbour.
+
+Admiral Sir Hedworth Meux, the Naval Commander-in-Chief in the
+Pacific, who happens to be my sister's son, told me that he was
+sending a destroyer for three or four days up the Canton River, on
+special service, and asked if I would care to go, and I naturally
+accepted the offer. The Admiral did not go up himself, but sent his
+Flag-Captain and Flag-Lieutenant. The marshy banks of the Canton River
+are lined with interminable paddy-fields, for, as every one knows,
+rice is a crop that must be grown under water. After the rice harvest,
+these swampy fields are naturally full of fallen grain, and thrifty
+John Chinaman feeds immense flocks of ducks on the stubbles of the
+paddy-fields. The ducks are brought down by thousands in junks, and
+quack and gobble to their hearts' content in the fields all day,
+waddling back over a plank to their junks at night. At sunset, one of
+the most comical sights in the world can be witnessed. A Chinese boy
+comes ashore from each junk with a horn, which he blows as a signal to
+the ducks that bedtime has arrived. In his other hand the boy has a
+rattan cane, with which he administers a tremendous thrashing to the
+last ten ducks to arrive on board. The ducks know this, and in that
+singular country their progenitors have probably been thrashed in the
+same way for a thousand years, so they all have an inherited sense of
+the dangers of the corporal punishment threatening them. As soon as
+the horn sounds, thousands of ducks start the maddest of Marathon
+races back to their respective junks, which they never mistake, with
+such a quacking and gobbling and pushing of each other aside, as the
+ungainly fowls waddle along at the top of their speed, as must be
+witnessed to be credited. The duck has many advantages: in his wild
+state, his extreme wariness and his powerful flight make him a
+splendid sporting bird, and when dead he has most estimable qualities
+after a brief sojourn in the kitchen. Domesticated, though he can
+scarcely be classed as a dainty feeder, he makes a strong appeal to
+some people, especially after he has contracted an intimate alliance
+with sage and onions, but he was never intended by Nature for a
+sprinter, nor are his webbed feet adapted for rapid locomotion.
+Sufferers from chronic melancholia would, I am sure, benefit by
+witnessing the nightly football scrums and speed-contests of these
+Chinese ducks, for I defy any one to see them without becoming
+helpless with laughter.
+
+The river in the neighbourhood of Canton is so covered with junks,
+sampans, and other craft, that, in comparison to it, the Thames at
+Henley during regatta week would look like a deserted waste of water.
+One misses at Canton the decorative war-junks of the Shanghai River.
+These war-junks, though perfectly useless either for defence or
+attack, are gorgeous objects to the eye, with their carving, their
+scarlet lacquer and profuse gilding. A Chinese stern-wheeler is a
+quaint craft, for her wheel is nothing but a treadmill, manned by some
+thirty half-naked coolies, who go through a regular treadmill drill,
+urging the boat along at perhaps three miles an hour. In addition to
+their deck passengers, these boats have rows of little covered niches
+for superior personages, and in every niche sits a grave, motionless
+Chinaman, looking for all the world like those carved Chinese cabinets
+we sometimes see, with a little porcelain figure squatting in each
+carved compartment.
+
+We had a naval interpreter on board, a jovial, hearty, immensely fat
+old Chinaman. Our destroyer had four funnels, but as we were going up
+the river under easy steam, only the forward boilers were going, so
+that whilst our two forward funnels, "Matthew" and "Mark," were
+smoking bravely, the two after ones, "Luke" and "John," were unsullied
+by the faintest wisp of a smoke pennant trailing from their black
+orifices. Our old interpreter was much distressed at this, for, as far
+as I could judge, his countrymen gauged a vessel's fighting power
+solely by the amount of smoke that she emitted, and he feared that we
+should be regarded with but scanty respect.
+
+The British and French Consulate-Generals at Canton are situated on a
+large artificial island, known as Sha-mien. Here, too, the European
+business men live in the most comfortable Europe-like houses,
+surrounded with gardens and lawn-tennis courts. Here is the
+cricket-ground and the club. Being in the Far East, the latter is, of
+course, equipped with one of the most gigantic bar-rooms ever seen.
+The British Consul-General had ordered chairs for us in which to be
+carried through the city, as it would be derogatory to the dignity of
+a European to be seen walking on foot in a Chinese town. Our business
+with the Consul-General finished, we started on our tour of
+inspection, the party consisting of the Flag-Captain, the
+Flag-Lieutenant, the interpreter and myself, together with a small
+midshipman, who, being anxious to see Canton, had somehow managed to
+get three days' leave and to smuggle himself on board the destroyer.
+The Consul-General warned us that the smells in the native city would
+be unspeakably appalling, and advised us to smoke continuously, very
+kindly presenting each of us with a handful of mild Borneo cheroots.
+
+The canal separating Sha-mien from the city is 100 feet broad, but I
+doubt if anywhere else in the world 100 feet separates the centuries
+as that canal does. On the one side, green lawns, gardens, trees, and
+a very fair imitation of Europe. A few steps over a fortified bridge,
+guarded by Indian soldiers and Indian policemen, and you are in the
+China of a thousand years ago, absolutely unchanged, except for the
+introduction of electric light and telephones. The English manager of
+the Canton Electric Co. told me that the natives were wonderfully
+adroit at stealing current. One would not imagine John Chinaman an
+expert electrician, yet these people managed somehow to tap the
+electric mains, and the manager estimated the weekly loss on stolen
+power as about 500 pounds.
+
+No street in Canton is wider than eight feet, and many of them are
+only five feet broad. They are densely packed with yellow humanity,
+though there is no wheeled traffic whatever. There are countless miles
+of these narrow, stifling alleys, paved with rough granite slabs,
+under which festers the sewage of centuries. The smells are
+unbelievably hideous. Except for an occasional canal, a reeking open
+sewer, there are no open spaces whatever. And yet these narrow alleys
+of two-storied houses are marvellously picturesque, with coloured
+streamers and coloured lanterns drooping from every house and shop,
+and the shops themselves are a joy to the eye. They are entirely open
+to the street in front, but in the far dim recesses of every one there
+is a species of carved reredos, over which dragons, lacquered black,
+or lacquered red, gilded or silvered, sprawl artistically. In front of
+this screen there is always a red-covered joss table, where red lights
+burn, and incense-sticks smoulder, all of which, as shall be explained
+later, are precautions to thwart the machinations of the peculiarly
+malevolent local devils. In food shops, hideous and obscene entrails
+of unknown animals gape repellently on the stranger, together with
+strings and strings of dried rats, and other horrible comestibles; in
+every street the yellow population seems denser and denser, the colour
+more brilliant and the smells more sickening. We could not have stood
+it but for the thoughtful Consul-General's Borneo cigars, though the
+small midshipman, being still of tender years, was brought to public
+and ignominious disaster by his second cheroot. After two hours of
+slow progress in carrying-chairs, through this congeries of narrow,
+unsavoury alleys, now jostled by coolies carrying bales of merchandise
+suspended from long bamboos resting on their shoulders (exactly as
+they did in the pictures of a book, called _Far Off_, which I had
+as a child), now pushed on one side by the palanquin of a mandarin, we
+hungered for fresh air and open spaces, less crowded by yellow
+oblique-eyed Mongolians; still, though we all felt as though we were
+in a nightmare, we had none of us ever seen anything like it, and in
+spite of our declarations that we never wished to see this
+evil-smelling warren of humanity again, somehow its uncanny
+fascination laid hold of us, and we started again over the same route
+next morning. The small midshipman had to be restrained from indulging
+in his yearning to dine off puppy-dog in a Chinese restaurant, in
+spite of the gastric disturbances occasioned by his precocious
+experiments with cheroots.
+
+I imagine that every Chinaman liable to zymotic diseases died
+thousands of years ago, and that by the law of the survival of the
+fittest all Chinamen born now are immune from filth diseases; that
+they can drink sewage-water with impunity, and thrive under conditions
+which would kill any Europeans in a week.
+
+The inhabitants of Canton are, I believe, mostly Taoists by religion,
+but their lives are embittered by their constant struggles with the
+local devils. Most fortunately Chinese devils have their marked
+limitations; for instance, they cannot go round a corner, and most
+mercifully they suffer from constitutional timidity, and can be easily
+frightened away by fire-crackers. Human beings inhabiting countries
+subject to pests, have usually managed to cope with them by adopting
+counter-measures. In mosquito-ridden countries people sleep under
+mosquito-nets, thus baffling those nocturnal blood-suckers; in parts
+of Ceylon infested with snakes, sharpened zig-zag snake-boards are
+fastened to the window-sills, which prove extremely painful to
+intruding reptiles. The Chinese, as a safeguard against their devils,
+have adopted the peculiar "cocked hat" corner to their roofs, which we
+see reproduced in so much of Chippendale's work. It is obvious that,
+with an ordinary roof, any ill-disposed devil would summon some of his
+fellows, and they would fly up, get their shoulders under the corner
+of the eaves, and prise the roof off in no time. With the peculiar
+Chinese upward curve of the corners, the devils are unable to get
+sufficient leverage, and so retire discomfited. Most luckily, too,
+they detest the smell of incense-sticks, and cannot abide the colour
+red, which is as distasteful to them as it is to a bull, but though it
+moves the latter to fury, it only inspires the devils with an abject
+terror. Accordingly, any prudent man can, by an abundant display of
+red silk streamers, and a plentiful burning of joss-sticks, keep his
+house practically free from these pests. A rich Chinaman who has built
+himself a new house, will at once erect a high wall immediately in
+front of it. It obstructs the light and keeps out the air, but owing
+to the inability of Chinese devils to go round corners it renders the
+house as good as devil-proof.
+
+We returned after dark from our second visit to the city. However much
+the narrow streets may have offended the nose, they unquestionably
+gratified the eye with the endless vista of paper lanterns, all softly
+aglow with crimson, green, and blue, as the place reverberated with
+the incessant banging of firecrackers. The families of the shopkeepers
+were all seated at their supper-tables (for the Chinese are the only
+Orientals who use chairs and tables as we do) in the front portions of
+the shop. As women are segregated in China, only the fathers and sons
+were present at this simple evening meal of sewage-fed fish, stewed
+rat and broiled dog, but never for one instant did they relax their
+vigilance against possible attacks by their invisible foes. It is
+clear that an intelligent devil would select this very moment, when
+every one was absorbed in the pleasures of the table, to penetrate
+into the shop, where he could play havoc with the stock before being
+discovered and ejected. Accordingly, little Ping Pong, the youngest
+son, had to wait for his supper, and was sent into the street with a
+large packet of fire-crackers to scare devils from the vicinity, and
+if little Ping Pong was like other small boys, he must have hugely
+enjoyed making such an appalling din. Every single shop had a stone
+pedestal before it, on which a lamp was burning, for experience has
+shown how useful a deterrent this is to any but the most abandoned
+devils; they will at once pass on to a shop unprotected by a guardian
+light.
+
+We had been on the outskirts of the city that day, and I was much
+struck with an example of Chinese ingenuity. The suburban inhabitants
+all seem to keep poultry, and all these fowls were of the same
+breed--small white bantams. So, to identify his own property, Ching
+Wan dyed all his chickens' tails orange, whilst Hung To's fowls
+scratched about with mauve tails, and Kyang Foo's hens gave themselves
+great airs on the strength of their crimson tail feathers.
+
+It is curious that, in spite of its wealth and huge population, Canton
+should contain no fine temples. The much-talked-of Five-Storied Pagoda
+is really hardly worth visiting, except for the splendid panorama over
+the city obtained from its top floor. Canton here appears like one
+endless sea of brown roofs extending almost to the horizon. The brown
+sea of roof appears to be quite unbroken, for, from that height, the
+narrow alleys of street disappear entirely. We were taken to a large
+temple on the outskirts of the city. It was certainly very big, also
+very dirty and ill-kept. Compared with the splendid temples of Nikko
+in Japan, glowing with scarlet and black lacquer, and gleaming with
+gold, temples on which cunning craftsmanship of wood-carving, enamels
+and bronze-work has been lavished in almost superfluous profusion, or
+even with the severer but dignified temples of unpainted cryptomeria
+wood at Kyoto, this Chinese pagoda was scarcely worth looking at. It
+had the usual three courts, an outer, middle, and inner one, and in
+the middle court a number of students were seated on benches. I am
+afraid that I rather puzzled our fat Chinese interpreter by inquiring
+of him whether these were the local Benchers of the Middle Temple.
+
+The Chinese dislike to foreigners is well known, so is the term
+"foreign devils," which is applied to them. Our small party met with a
+most hostile reception that day in one part of the city, and the crowd
+were very menacing until addressed by our fat old interpreter. The
+reason of this is very simple. Chinamen have invariably
+chocolate-coloured eyes, so the great distorted wooden figures of
+devils so commonly seen outside temple gates are always painted with
+light eyes, in order to give them an inhuman and unearthly appearance
+to Chinese minds. It so happened that the Flag-Captain, the
+Flag-Lieutenant, the midshipman and myself, had all four of us
+light-coloured eyes, either grey or blue, the colour associated with
+devils, in the Chinese intelligence. We were unquestionably
+foreigners, so the _prima facie_ evidence of satanic origin
+against us was certainly strong. We ourselves would be prejudiced
+against an individual with bright magenta eyes, and we might be
+tempted to associate every kind of evil tendency with his abnormal
+colouring; to the Chinese, grey eyes must appear just as unnatural as
+magenta eyes would to us. We were inclined to attribute the hostile
+demonstration to the small snottie, who, in spite of warnings, had
+again experimented with cheroots. His unbecoming pallor would have
+naturally predisposed a Chinese crowd against us.
+
+The feeling of utter helplessness in a country where one is unable to
+speak one word of the language is most exasperating. My youngest
+brother, who is chairman of a steamship company, had occasion to go to
+the Near East nine years ago on business connected with his company.
+The steamer called at the Piraus for eight hours, and my brother, who
+had never been in Athens, took a taxi and saw as much of "the city of
+the violet crown" as was possible in the time. He could speak no
+modern Greek, but when the taxi-man, on their return to the Piraus,
+demanded by signs 7 pounds as his fare, my brother, hot with indignation
+at such an imposition, summoned up all his memories of the Greek
+Testament, and addressed the chauffeur as follows: "_o taxianthrope,
+mae geyito!_" Stupefied at hearing the classic language of his
+country, the taxi-man at once became more reasonable in his demands.
+After this, who will dare to assert that there are no advantages in a
+classical education?
+
+All the hillsides round Chinese cities are dotted with curious stone
+erections in the shape of horseshoes. These are the tombs of wealthy
+Chinamen; the points of the compass they face, and the period which
+must elapse before the deceased can be permanently buried, are all
+determined by the family astrologers, for Chinese devils can be as
+malignant to the dead as to the living, though they seem to reserve
+their animosities for the more opulent of the population.
+
+It is to meet the delay of years which sometimes elapses between the
+death of a person and his permanent burial, that the "City of the
+Dead" exists in Canton. This is not a cemetery, but a collection of
+nearly a thousand mortuary chapels. The "City of the Dead" is the
+pleasantest spot in that nightmare city. A place of great open sunlit
+spaces, and streets of clean white-washed mortuaries, sweet with
+masses of growing flowers. After the fetid stench of the narrow,
+airless streets, the fresh air and sunlight of this "City of the Dead"
+were most refreshing, and its absolute silence was welcome after the
+deafening turmoil of the town. We were there in spring-time, and
+hundreds of blue-and-white porcelain vases, of the sort we use as
+garden ornaments, were gorgeous with flowering azaleas of all hues, or
+fragrant with freesias. All the mortuaries, though of different sizes,
+were built on the same plan, in two compartments, separated by pillars
+with a carved wooden screen between them. Behind this screen the
+cylindrical lacquered coffin is placed, a most necessary precaution,
+for Chinese devils being fortunately unable to go round a corner, the
+occupant of the coffin is thus safe from molestation. Other elementary
+safeguards are also adopted; a red-covered altar invariably stands in
+front of the screen, adorned with candles and artificial flowers, and
+incense-sticks are perpetually burning on it. What with the
+incense-sticks and abundant red silk streamers, an atmosphere is
+created which must be thoroughly uncongenial, even to the most
+irreclaimable devil. The outer chapel always contains two or four
+large chairs for the family to meditate in.
+
+It must be remembered that the favourite recreation of the Chinese is
+to sit and meditate on the tombs of their ancestors, and though in
+these mortuaries this pastime cannot be carried out in its entirety,
+this modified form is universally regarded as a very satisfactory
+substitute. In one chapel containing the remains of the wife of the
+Chinese Ambassador in Rome, there was a curious blend of East and
+West. Amongst the red streamers and joss-sticks there were metal
+wreaths and dried palm wreaths inscribed, "A notre chere collegue
+Madame Tsin-Kyow"; an unexpected echo of European diplomatic life to
+find in Canton.
+
+The rent paid for these places is very high, and as the length of time
+which the body must rest there depends entirely upon the advice of the
+astrologers, it is not uncharitable to suppose that there must be some
+understanding between them and the proprietor of the "City of the
+Dead."
+
+We can even suppose some such conversation as the following between
+the managing-partner of a firm of long-established family astrologers
+and that same proprietor:
+
+"Good-morning, Mr. Chow Chung; I have come to you with the melancholy
+news of the death of our esteemed fellow-citizen, Hang Wang Kai. A
+fine man, and a great loss! What I liked about him was that he was
+such a thorough Chinaman of the good old stamp. A wealthy man, sir, a
+_very_ wealthy man. The family are clients of mine, and they have just
+rung me up, asking me to cast a horoscope to ascertain the wishes of
+the stars with regard to the date of burial of our poor friend. How
+inscrutable are the decrees of the heavenly bodies! They may recommend
+the immediate interment of our friend: on the other hand, they may
+wish it deferred for two, five, ten, or even twenty years, in which
+case our friend would be one of the fortunate tenants of your
+delightful Garden of Repose. Quite so. Casting a horoscope is _very_
+laborious work, and I can but obey blindly the stars' behests.
+Exactly. Should the stars recommend our poor friend's temporary
+occupation of one of your attractive little Maisonettes, I should
+expect, to compensate me for my labours, a royalty of 20 per cent. on
+the gross (I emphasize the gross) rental paid by the family for the
+first two years. They, of course, would inform me of any little sum
+you did them the honour to accept from them. From two to five years, I
+should expect a royalty of 30 per cent.; from five to ten years, 40
+per cent.; on any period over ten years 50 per cent. Yes, I said
+fifty. Surely I do not understand you to dissent? The stars may save
+us all trouble by advising Hang Wang Kai's immediate interment. Thank
+you. I thought that you would agree. These terms, of course, are only
+for the Chinese and Colonial rights; I must expressly reserve the
+American rights, for, as I need hardly remind you, the Philippine
+Islands are now United States territory, and the constellations _may_
+recommend the temporary transfer of our poor friend to American
+soil. Thank you; I thought that we should agree. It only remains for
+me to instruct my agents, Messrs. Ap Wang & Son, to draw up an
+agreement in the ordinary form on the royalty basis I have indicated,
+for our joint signature. The returns will, I presume, be made up as
+usual, to March 31 and September 30. As I am far too upset by the loss
+of our friend to be able to talk business, I will now, with your
+permission, withdraw."
+
+Had I been born a citizen of Canton, I should unquestionably have
+articled my son to an astrologer, convinced that I was securing for
+him an assured and lucrative future.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+The glamour of the West Indies--Captain Marryat and Michael
+Scott--Deadly climate of the islands in the eighteenth century--The
+West Indian planters--Difference between East and West Indies--"Let us
+eat and drink, for to-morrow we die"--Training-school for British
+Navy--A fruitless voyage--Quarantine--Distant view of Barbados--Father
+Labat--The last of the Emperors of Byzantium--Delightful little Lady
+Nugent and her diary of 1802--Her impressions of Jamaica--Wealthy
+planters--Their hideous gormandising--A simple morning meal--An
+aldermanic dinner--How the little Nugents were gorged--Haiti--Attempts
+of General Le Clerc to secure British intervention in Haiti--Presents
+to Lady Nugent--Her Paris dresses described--Our arrival in
+Jamaica--Its marvellous beauty--The bewildered Guardsman--Little trace
+of Spain left in Jamaica--The Spaniards as builders--British and
+Spanish Colonial methods contrasted.
+
+
+Since the earliest days of my boyhood, the West Indies have exercised
+a quite irresistible fascination over me. This was probably due to my
+having read and re-read _Peter Simple_ and _Tom Cringle's Log_ over and
+over again, until I knew them almost by heart; indeed I will confess
+that even at the present day the glamour of these books is almost as
+strong as it used to be, and that hardly a year passes without my
+thumbing once again their familiar pages. Both Captain Marryat and
+Michael Scott knew their West Indies well, for Marryat had served on
+the station in either 1813 or 1814, and Michael Scott lived for sixteen
+years in Jamaica, from 1806 to 1822, at first as manager of a sugar
+estate, and then as a merchant in Kingston. Marryat and Scott were
+practically contemporaries, though the former was the younger by three
+years, being born in 1792. I am told that now-a-days boys care for
+neither of these books; if so, the loss is theirs. What attracted me in
+these authors' West Indian pictures was the fact that here was a
+community of British-born people living a reckless, rollicking, Charles
+Lever-like sort of life in a most deadly climate, thousands of miles
+from home, apparently equally indifferent to earthquakes, hurricanes,
+or yellow fever, for at the beginning of the twentieth century no one
+who has not read the Colonial records, or visited West Indian churches,
+can form the faintest idea of the awful ravages of yellow fever, nor of
+the vast amount of victims this appalling scourge claimed. Now,
+improved sanitation and the knowledge that the yellow death is carried
+by the Stegomyia mosquito, with the precautionary methods suggested by
+that knowledge, have almost entirely eliminated yellow fever from the
+West India islands; but in Marryat and Scott's time to be ordered to
+the West Indies was looked upon as equivalent to a death sentence. Yet
+every writer enlarges upon the exquisite beauty of these green, sun-
+kissed islands, and regrets bitterly that so enchanting an earthly
+paradise should be the very ante-room of death.
+
+In spite of the unhealthy climate, in the days when King Sugar reigned
+undisputed, the owners of sugar estates, attracted by the enormous
+fortunes then to be made, and fully alive to the fact that in the case
+of absentee proprietors profits tended to go everywhere except into
+the owners' pockets, deliberately braved the climate, settled down for
+life (usually a brief one) in either Jamaica or Barbados, built
+themselves sumptuous houses, stocked with silver plate and rare wines,
+and held high and continual revel until such time as Yellow Jack
+should claim them. In the East Indies the soldiers and Civil Servants
+of "John Company," and the merchant community, "shook the pagoda tree"
+until they had accumulated sufficient fortunes on which to retire,
+when they returned to England with yellow faces and torpid livers,
+grumbling like Jos Sedley to the ends of their lives about the cold,
+and the carelessness of English cooks in preparing curries, and
+harbouring unending regrets for the flesh-pots and comforts of life in
+Boggley Wollah, which in retrospect no doubt appeared more attractive
+than they had done in reality. The West Indian, on the other hand,
+settled down permanently with his wife and family in the island of his
+choice. Barbados and Jamaica are the only two tropical countries under
+the British flag where there was a resident white gentry born and bred
+in the country, with country places handed down from father to son. In
+these two islands not one word of any language but English was ever to
+be heard from either black or white. The English parochial system had
+been transplanted bodily, and successfully, with guardians and
+overseers complete; in a word, they were colonies in the strictest
+sense of the word; transplanted portions of the motherland, with most
+of its institutions, dumped down into the Caribbean Sea, but blighted
+until 1834 by the curse of negro slavery. It was this overseas
+England, set amidst the most enchanting tropical scenery and
+vegetation, that I was so anxious to see. Michael Scott, both in _Tom
+Cringle_ and _The Cruise of the Midge_, gave the most alluring pictures
+of Creole society (a Creole does _not_ mean a coloured person; any one
+born in the West Indies of pure white parents is a Creole); they
+certainly seemed to get drunk more than was necessary, yet the
+impression left on one's mind was not unlike that produced by the
+purely fictitious Ireland of Charles Lever's novels: one continual
+round of junketing, feasting, and practical jokes; and what gave the
+pictures additional piquancy was the knowledge that death was all the
+while peeping round the corner, and that Yellow Jack might at any
+moment touch one of these light-hearted revellers with his burning
+finger-tips.
+
+Lady Nugent, wife of Sir George Nugent, Governor of Jamaica from 1801
+to 1806, kept a voluminous diary during her stay in the island, and
+most excellent reading it makes. She was thus rather anterior in date
+to Michael Scott, but their descriptions tally very closely. I shall
+have a good deal to say about Lady Nugent.
+
+The West Indies make an appeal of a different nature to all Britons.
+They were the training-ground and school of all the great British
+Admirals from Drake to Nelson. Benbow died of his wounds at Port Royal
+in Jamaica, and was buried in Kingston Parish Church in 1702, whilst
+Rodney's memory is still so cherished by West Indians, white and
+coloured alike, that serious riots broke out when his statue was
+removed from Spanish Town to Kingston, and his effigy had eventually
+to be placed in the memorial temple which grateful Spanish Town
+erected to commemorate his great victory over de Grasse off Dominica
+on April 12, 1782, as the result of which the Lesser Antilles remained
+British instead of French. For all these reasons I had experienced,
+since the age of thirteen, an intense longing to see these lovely
+islands with all their historic associations.
+
+In 1884 I travelled from Buenos Ayres to Canada in a tramp steamer
+simply and solely because she was advertised to call at Barbados and
+Jamaica. Never shall I forget my first night in that tramp. I soon
+became conscious of uninvited guests in my bunk, so, striking a light
+(strictly against rules in the ships of those days), I discovered
+regiments and army corps of noisome, crawling vermin marching in
+serried ranks into my bunk under the impression that it was their
+parade ground. For the remainder of the voyage I slept on the saloon
+table, a hard but cleanly couch. We lay for a week at Rio de Janeiro
+loading coffee, and we touched at Bahia and at Pernambuco. At this
+latter place as at Rio an epidemic of yellow fever was raging, so we
+had not got a clean bill-of-health. As the blunt-nosed tramp pushed
+her leisurely way northward through the oily ultra-marine expanse of
+tropical seas, I thought longingly of the green island for which we
+were heading. We reached Carlisle Bay, Barbados, at daybreak on a
+glorious June morning, and waited impatiently in the roadstead (there
+is no harbour in Barbados) for the liberating visit of the medical
+officer from the shore. He arrived, gave one glance at our
+bill-of-health, and sternly refused _pratique_, so the hateful
+yellow flag remained fluttering at the fore in the Trade wind,
+announcing to all and sundry that we were cut off from all
+communication with the shore. Never was there a more aggravating
+situation! Barbados, all emerald green after the rainy season, looked
+deliciously enticing from the ship. The "flamboyant" trees,
+_Ponciana Regia_, were in full bloom, making great patches of
+vivid scarlet round the Savannah. The houses and villas peeping out of
+luxuriant tangles of tropical vegetation had a delightfully home-like
+look to eyes accustomed for two years to South American surroundings.
+Seen through a glass from the ship's deck, the Public Buildings in
+Trafalgar Square, solid and substantial, had all the unimaginative
+neatness of any prosaic provincial townhall at home. We were clearly
+no longer in a Latin-American country. It was really a piece of
+England translated to the Caribbean Sea, and we few passengers, some
+of whom had not seen England for many weary years, were forbidden to
+set foot on this outpost of home. It was most exasperating; for never
+did any island look more inviting, and surely such dazzling white
+houses, such glowing red roofs, such vivid greenery, and so absurdly
+blue a sea, had never been seen in conjunction before. Barbados is
+almost exactly the size of the Isle of Wight, but in spite of its
+restricted area, all the Barbadians, both white and coloured, have the
+most exalted opinion of their island, which in those days they
+lovingly termed "Bimshire," white Barbadians being then known as
+"Bims." Students of Marryat will remember how Mr. Apollo Johnson, at
+Miss Betty Austin's coloured "Dignity ball," declared that "All de
+world fight against England, but England nebber fear; King George
+nebber fear while Barbados 'tand 'tiff," and something of that
+sentiment persists still to-day. As a youngster I used to laugh till I
+cried at the rebuff administered to Peter Simple by Miss Minerva at
+the same "Dignity ball." Peter was carving a turkey, and asked his
+swarthy partner whether he might send her a slice of the breast.
+Shocked at such coarseness, the dusky but delicate damsel simpered
+demurely, "Sar, I take a lily piece turkey bosom, if you please."
+Dignity balls are still held in Barbados; they are rather trying to
+one of the senses. In the "eighties" it was a point of honour amongst
+"Bims" to wear on all and every occasion a high black silk hat. During
+our enforced quarantine we saw a number of white Bims sailing little
+yachts about the roadstead, every single man of them crowned with a
+high silk hat, about the most uncomfortable head-gear imaginable for
+sailing in. Another agreeable home-touch was to hear the negro boatmen
+all talking to each other in English. Their speech may not have been
+melodious, but it fell pleasantly enough on ears accustomed for so
+long to hear nothing but Spanish. From my intimate acquaintance with
+Marryat, even the jargon of the negro boatmen struck me with a
+delightful sense of familiarity, as did the very place-names, Needham
+Point and Carlisle Bay. I was fated not to see Barbados again for
+twenty-two years.
+
+In the early part of the eighteenth century a French missionary, one
+Father Labat, visited Barbados and gave the most glowing account of it
+to his countrymen. According to him the island was brimful of wealth,
+and the jewellers' and silversmiths' shops in Bridgetown rivalled
+those of Paris. I should be inclined to question Father Labat's strict
+veracity. This worthy priest declared that the planters lived in
+sumptuous houses, superbly furnished, that their dinners lasted four
+hours, and their tables were crowded with gold and silver plate. The
+statement as to the length of the planters' dinners is probably an
+accurate one, for I myself have been the recipient of Barbadian
+hospitality, and had never before even imagined such an endless
+procession of fish, flesh, and fowl, not to mention turtle,
+land-crabs, and pepper-pot. West Indian negresses seem to have a
+natural gift for cooking, though their _cuisine_ is a very highly
+spiced and full-flavoured one.
+
+Father Labat's motive in drawing so glorified a picture of Barbados
+peeps out at the end of his account, for he drily remarks that the
+fortifications of the island were most inadequate, and that it could
+easily be captured by the French; he was clearly making an appeal to
+his countrymen's cupidity.
+
+Upon making the acquaintance of Bridgetown some twenty years after my
+first quarantine visit, I can hardly endorse Father Labat's opinion
+that the streets are strikingly handsome, for Bridgetown, like most
+British West Indian towns, looks as though all the houses were built
+of cards or paper. It is, however, a bright, cheery little spot, seems
+prosperous enough, and has its own Trafalgar Square, decorated with
+its own very fine statue of Nelson. Every house both in Jamaica and
+Barbados is fitted with sash-windows in the English style. This
+fidelity to the customs of the motherland is very touching but hardly
+practical, for in the burning climate of the West Indies every
+available breath of fresh air is welcome. With French windows, the
+entire window-space can be opened; with sashes, one-half of the window
+remains necessarily blocked.
+
+Let strangers beware of "Barbados Green Bitters." It is a most
+comforting local cocktail, apparently quite innocuous. It is not;
+under its silkiness it is abominably potent. One "green bitter" is
+food, two are dangerous.
+
+In St. John's churchyard, some fourteen miles from Bridgetown, is to
+be seen one of the most striking examples of the vanity of human
+greatness. A stone reproduction of the porch of a Greek temple bears
+this inscription,
+
+     HERE LYETH YE BODY OF
+     FERDINANDO PALEOLOGOS
+  DESCENDED FROM YE IMPERIAL LYNE
+     OF YE LAST CHRISTIAN
+     EMPERORS OF GREECE
+  CHURCHWARDEN OF THIS PARISH
+        1655-1656
+   VESTRYMAN TWENTY YEARS
+    DIED OCTOBER 3, 1678.
+
+Just think of it! The last descendant of Constantine, the last scion
+of the proud Emperors of Byzantium, commemorated as vestryman and
+churchwarden of a country parish in a little, unknown island in the
+Caribbean, only then settled for seventy-three years! Could any
+preacher quote a more striking instance of "_sic transit gloria
+mundi_"?
+
+Codrington College, not far from St. John's church, is rather a
+surprise. Few people would expect to come across a little piece of
+Oxford in a tropical island, or to find a college building over two
+hundred years old in Barbados, complete with hall and chapel. The
+facade of Codrington is modelled on either Queen's or the New
+Buildings at Magdalen, Oxford, and the college is affiliated to Durham
+University. Originally intended as a place of education for the sons
+of white planters it is now wholly given over to coloured students.
+It can certainly claim the note of the unexpected, and the quiet
+eighteenth-century dignity of its architecture is enhanced by the
+broad lake which fronts it, and by the exceedingly pretty tropical
+park in which it stands. Codrington boasts some splendid specimens of
+the "Royal" palm, the _Palmiste_ of the French, which is one of
+the glories of West Indian scenery.
+
+Though Father Labat may have drawn the longbow intentionally, some of
+the country houses erected by the sugar planters in the heyday of the
+colony's riotous prosperity are really very fine indeed, although at
+present they have mostly changed hands, or been left derelict. Long
+Bay Castle, now unoccupied, is a most ambitious building, with marble
+stairs, beautiful plaster ceilings, and some of its original
+Chippendale furniture still remaining. A curious feature of all these
+Barbadian houses is the hurricane-wing, built of extra strength and
+fitted with iron shutters, into which all the family locked themselves
+when the fall of the barometer announced the approach of a hurricane.
+I was shown one hurricane-wing which had successfully withstood two
+centuries of these visitations.
+
+Barbados is the only ugly island of the West Indian group, for every
+available foot is planted with sugar-cane, and the unbroken,
+undulating sea of green is monotonous. In the hilly portions, however,
+there are some very attractive bits of scenery.
+
+On my first visit, as I have already said, I saw nothing of all this,
+except through glasses from the deck of a tramp. I was also to be
+denied a sight of Jamaica, for the Captain knew that he would be
+refused _pratique_ there, and settled to steam direct to the Danish
+island of St. Thomas, where quarantine regulations were less strict, so
+all my voyage was for nothing.
+
+Not for over twenty years after was I to make the acquaintance of
+Kingston and Port Royal and the Palisadoes, all very familiar names to
+me from my constant reading of Marryat and Michael Scott.
+
+I suppose that every one draws mental pictures of places that they
+have constantly heard about, and that most people have noticed how
+invariably the real place is not only totally different from the fancy
+picture, but almost aggressively so.
+
+I have already mentioned Lady Nugent's journal or "Jamaica in 1801." I
+am persuaded that she must have been a most delightful little
+creature. She was very tiny, as she tells us herself, and had brown
+curly hair. She was a little coy about her age, which she confided to
+no one; by her own directions, it was omitted even from her tombstone,
+but from internal evidence we know that when her husband, Sir George
+Nugent, was appointed Governor of Jamaica on April 1, 1801 (how
+sceptical he must have been at first as to the genuineness of this
+appointment! One can almost hear him ejaculating "Quite so. You don't
+make an April fool of me!"), she was either thirty or thirty-one years
+old. Lady Nugent was as great an adept as Mrs. Fairchild, of revered
+memory, at composing long prayers, every one of which she enters _in
+extenso_ in her diary, but not only was there a delightful note of
+feminine coquetry about her, but she also possessed a keen sense of
+humour, two engaging attributes in which, I fear, that poor
+Mrs. Fairchild was lamentably lacking.
+
+Lady Nugent and her husband sailed out to Jamaica in a man-of-war,
+H.M.S. _Ambuscade_, in June, 1801. As Sir George Nugent had been
+from 1799 to 1801 Adjutant-General in Ireland, this name must have had
+quite a home-like sound to him. We read in Lady Nugent's diary of June
+25, 1801, after a lengthy supplication for protection against the
+perils of the deep, the following charmingly feminine note: "My
+nightcaps are so smart that I wear them all day, for to tell the truth
+I really think I look better in my nightcap than in my bonnet, and as
+I am surrounded by men who do not know a nightcap from a daycap, it is
+no matter what I do." Dear little thing! I am sure she looked too
+sweet in them. They sailed from Cork on June 5, and reached Barbados
+on July 17, which seems a quick voyage. They stayed one night at an
+inn in Bridgetown, and gave a dinner-party for which the bill was over
+sixty pounds. This strikes quite a modern note, and might really have
+been in post-war days instead of in 1801.
+
+Lady Nugent found the society in Jamaica, both that of officials and
+of planters and their wives, intensely uncongenial to her. "Nothing is
+ever talked of in this horrid island but the price of sugar. The only
+other topics of conversation are debt, disease and death." She was
+much shocked at the low standard of morality prevailing amongst the
+white men in the colony, and disgusted at the perpetual gormandising
+and drunkenness. The frequent deaths from yellow fever amongst her
+acquaintance, and the terrible rapidity with which Yellow Jack slew,
+depressed her dreadfully, and she was startled at the callous fashion
+in which people, hardened by many years' experience of the scourge,
+received the news of the death of their most intimate friends. She was
+perpetually complaining of the unbearable heat, to which she never got
+acclimatised; she suffered "sadly" from the mosquitoes, and never
+could get used to earthquakes, hurricanes, or scorpions.
+
+With these exceptions, she seems to have liked Jamaica very well. It
+must have been an extraordinary community, and to understand it we
+must remember the conditions prevailing. Bryan Edwards, in his
+_History of the British West Indies_, published in 1793, called
+them "the principal source of the national opulence and maritime power
+of England"; and without the stream of wealth pouring into Great
+Britain from Barbados and Jamaica, the long struggle with France would
+have been impossible.
+
+The term "as rich as a West Indian" was proverbial, and in 1803 the
+West Indies were accountable for one-third of the imports and exports
+of Great Britain.
+
+The price of sugar in 1803 was fifty-two shillings a hundredweight.
+Wealth was pouring into the island and into the pockets of the
+planters. Lady Nugent constantly alludes to sugar estates worth
+20,000 or 30,000 pounds a year. These planters were six weeks distant
+from England, and, except during the two years' respite which followed
+the Treaty of Amiens, Great Britain had been intermittently at war with
+either France or Spain during the whole of the eighteenth century. The
+preliminary articles of peace between France and Britain were signed
+on October 1, 1801, the Peace of Amiens itself on March 27, 1802, but
+in July, 1803, hostilities between the two countries were again
+renewed. All this meant that communications between the colony and the
+motherland were very precarious. Nominally a mail-packet sailed from
+Jamaica once a month, but the seas were swarming with swift-sailing
+French and Spanish privateers, hanging about the trade-routes on the
+chance of capturing West Indiamen with their rich cargoes, so the
+mail-packets had to wait till a convoy assembled, and were then
+escorted home by men-of-war. This entailed the increasing isolation of
+the white community in Jamaica, who, in their outlook on life,
+retained the eighteenth-century standpoint. Now the eighteenth century
+was a thoroughly gross and material epoch. People had a pretty taste
+in clothes, and a nice feeling for good architecture, graceful
+furniture, and artistic house decoration, but this was a veneer only,
+and under the veneer lay an ingrained grossness of mind, just as the
+gorgeous satins and dainty brocades covered dirty, unwashed
+bodies. Even the complexions of the women were artificial to mask the
+defects of a sparing use of soap and water, and they drenched
+themselves with perfumes to hide the unpleasant effects of this lack
+of bodily cleanliness. On the surface hyper-refinement, glitter and
+show; beneath it a crude materialism and an ingrained grossness of
+temperament. What else could be expected when all the men got drunk as
+a matter of course almost every night of their lives? Over the
+coarsest description of wood lay a very highly polished veneer of
+satin-wood, which might possibly deceive the eye, but once scratch the
+paper-thin veneer and the ugly under-surface was at once
+apparent. Money rolled into the pockets of these Jamaican planters;
+there is but little sport possible in the island, and they had no
+intellectual pursuits, so they just built fine houses, filled them
+with rare china, Chippendale furniture, and silver plate, and found
+their amusements in eating, drinking and gambling.
+
+Even to-day the climate of Jamaica is very enervating. Wise people
+know now that to keep in health in hot countries alcohol, and wine
+especially, must be avoided. Meat must be eaten very sparingly, and an
+abstemious regime will bring its own reward. In the eighteenth
+century, however, people apparently thought that vast quantities of
+food and drink would combat the debilitating effects of the climate,
+and that, too, at a time when yellow fever was endemic. There are
+still old-fashioned people who are obsessed with the idea that the
+more you eat the stronger you grow. The Creoles in Jamaica certainly
+put this theory into effect. Michael Scott, in _Tom Cringle_, describes
+many Gargantuan repasts amongst the Kingston merchants, and as he
+himself was one of them, we can presume he knew what he was writing
+about. The men, too, habitually drank, of all beverages in the
+world to select in the scorching heat of Jamaica, hot brandy and
+water, and then they wondered that they died of yellow fever! Every
+white man and woman in the island seems to have been gorged with
+food. It was really a case of "let us eat and drink, for to-morrow we
+die"; but if they hadn't eaten and drunk so enormously, presumably
+they would not have died so rapidly.
+
+Lady Nugent was much disgusted with this gormandising. On page 78 of
+her journal she says, "I don't wonder now at the fever the people
+suffer from here--such eating and drinking I never saw! Such loads of
+rich and highly-seasoned things, and really the gallons of wine and
+mixed liquors that they drink! I observed some of our party to-day eat
+at breakfast as if they had never eaten before. A dish of tea, another
+of coffee, a bumper of claret, another large one of hock-negus; then
+Madeira, sangaree, hot and cold meats, stews and pies, hot and cold
+fish pickled and plain, peppers, ginger-sweetmeats, acid fruit, sweet
+jellies--in short, it was all as astonishing as it was disgusting."
+
+It really does seem a fair allowance for a simple morning meal.
+
+The life of a Governor of Jamaica is now principally taken up with
+quiet administrative work, but in 1802 he was supposed to hold a
+succession of reviews, to give personal audiences, endless balls and
+dinners, to make tours of inspection round the island; and, in
+addition, as _ex officio_ Chancellor of Jamaica, it was his duty
+to preside at all the sittings of the Court of Chancery. During their
+many tours of inspection poor little Lady Nugent complains that, with
+the best wishes in the world, she really could not eat five large
+meals a day. She continues (page 95), "At the Moro to-day, our dinner
+at 6 was really so profuse that it is worth describing. The first
+course was of fish, with an entire jerked hog in the centre, and a
+black crab pepper-pot. The second course was of turtle, mutton, beef,
+turkey, goose, ducks, chicken, capons, ham, tongue, and crab patties.
+The third course was of sweets and fruits of all kinds. I felt quite
+sick, what with the heat and such a profusion of eatables."
+
+One wonders what those planters' weekly bills would have amounted to
+at the present-day scale of prices, and can no longer feel surprised
+at their all running into debt, in spite of their huge incomes. The
+drinking, too, was on the same scale. Lady Nugent remarks (page 108),
+"I am not astonished at the general ill-health of the men in this
+country, for they really eat like cormorants and drink like porpoises.
+All the men of our party got drunk to-night, even to a boy of fifteen,
+who was obliged to be carried home." Tom Cringle, in his account of a
+dinner-party in Cuba, remarks airily, "We, the males of the party, had
+drunk little or nothing, a bottle of claret or so apiece, a dram of
+brandy, and a good deal of vin-de-grave (_sic_)," and he really
+thinks that nothing: moderation itself in that sweltering climate!
+
+In spite of her disgust at the immense amount of food devoured round
+her, Lady Nugent seems to have adopted a Jamaican scale of diet for
+her children, for when she returned to England with them in the
+_Augustus Caesar_ in 1805, she gives the following account of the
+day's routine on board the ship. It must be observed that George, the
+elder child, was not yet three, and that Louisa was under two. "When I
+awake, the old steward brings me a dish of ginger tea. I then dress,
+and breakfast with the children. At eleven the children have biscuits,
+and some port wine and water. George eats some chicken or mutton at
+twelve, and at two they each have a bowl of strong soup. At four we
+all dine; I go to my cabin at half-past seven, and soon after eight I
+am always in bed and the babies fast asleep. The old steward then
+comes to my bedside with a large tumbler of porter with a toast in it.
+I eat the toast, drink the porter, and usually rest well."
+
+Those two unfortunate children must have landed in England two
+miniature Daniel Lamberts. It is pleasant to learn that little George
+lived to the age of ninety. Had he not been so stuffed with food in
+his youth, he would probably have been a centenarian.
+
+During Nugent's term of office events in Haiti, or San Domingo, as it
+was still called then, occasioned him great anxiety. Before the
+outbreak of the French Revolution in 1789, Haiti had been the most
+prosperous and the most highly civilised of the West Indian islands.
+But after the French National Assembly had, in 1791, decreed equal
+rights between whites and mulattoes, troubles began. The blacks
+rebelled; the French rescinded the decree of 1791 and, changing their
+minds again, re-affirmed it. The blacks began murdering and plundering
+the whites, and many planters emigrated to Jamaica and the United
+States. That most extraordinary man, Toussaint l'Ouverture, a pure
+negro, who had been born a slave, re-established some form of order in
+Haiti until Napoleon, when the preliminary articles of the Peace of
+Amiens had been signed between Britain and France, hit upon the idea
+of employing his soldiers in Haiti, and sent out his brother-in-law,
+General Le Clerc, with 25,000 French soldiers to re-conquer the
+island. It was a most ill-fated expedition; the soldiers could not
+withstand the climate, and died like flies; France losing, from first
+to last, no less than 40,000 men from yellow fever. In 1802, Le Clerc,
+who seems to have been a great scoundrel, died, and in 1804 Haiti
+declared her independence.
+
+After the Peace of Amiens the French Government were exceedingly
+anxious to secure the cooperation of British troops from Jamaica,
+seasoned to the climate, in restoring order in Haiti, and even offered
+to cede them such portions of Haiti as were willing to come under the
+British flag. During the ten months of General Le Clerc's
+administration of Haiti he was perpetually sending envoys to General
+Nugent in Jamaica, and continually offering him presents. It is not
+uncharitable to suppose that these presents were proffered with a view
+of winning Nugent's support to the idea of a British expedition to
+Haiti. Nugent, however, sternly refused all these gifts. Madame Le
+Clerc, Napoleon's sister, who is better known as the beautiful
+Princess Pauline Borghese, a lady with an infinity of admirers, was
+far more subtle in her methods. Her presents to Lady Nugent took the
+irresistible form of dresses of the latest Parisian fashion, and were
+eagerly accepted by that volatile little lady. Indeed, for ten months
+she seems to have been entirely dressed by Madame Le Clerc, who even
+provided little George Nugent's christening robe of white muslin,
+heavily embroidered in gold. Ladies may be interested in Lady Nugent's
+account of her various dresses. "Last night at the ball I wore a new
+dress of purple crape, embroidered and heavily spangled in gold, given
+me by Madame Le Clerc. The skirt rather short; the waist very high.
+On my head I wore a wreath of gilded bay-leaves, and must have looked
+like a Roman Empress. I think that purple suits me, for every one
+declared that they never saw me looking better." Dear little lady! I
+am sure that she never did, and that the piquant little face on the
+frontispiece, with its roguish eyes, looked charming under her gold
+wreath. Again, "I wore a lovely dress of pink crape spangled in
+silver, sent me by Madame Le Clerc." She gives a fuller account of her
+dress at the great ball given her to celebrate her recovery after the
+birth of her son (Dec. 30, 1802).
+
+"For the benefit of posterity I will describe my dress on this grand
+occasion. A crape dress, embroidered in silver spangles, also sent me
+by Madame Le Clerc, but much richer than that which I wore at the last
+ball. Scarcely any sleeves to my dress, but a broad silver spangled
+border to the shoulder-straps. The body made very like a child's
+frock, tying behind, and the skirt round, with not much train. On my
+head a turban of spangled crape like the dress, looped-up with pearls.
+This dress, the admiration of all the world over, will, perhaps, fifty
+years hence, be laughed at, and considered as ridiculous as our
+grandmothers' hoops and brocades appear to us now."
+
+In fairness it must be stated that General Nugent punctiliously
+returned all Madame Le Clerc's presents to his wife with gifts of
+English cut-glass, then apparently much appreciated by the French. He
+seems to have sent absolute cart-loads of cut-glass to Haiti, but in
+days when men habitually drank two bottles of wine apiece after
+dinner, there was presumably a fair amount of breakage of decanters
+and tumblers.
+
+I notice that although Lady Nugent complains on almost every page of
+"the appalling heat," the "unbearable heat," the "terrific heat, which
+gives me these sad headaches," she seems always ready to dance for
+hours at any time. Some idea of the ceremonious manners of the day is
+obtained from the perpetual entry "went to bed with my knees aching
+from the hundreds of curtsies I have had to make to the company."
+
+In 1811 Sir George Nugent was appointed Commander-in-Chief in Bengal,
+and their voyage from Portsmouth to Calcutta occupied exactly six
+months, yet there are people who grumble at the mails now taking
+eighteen days to traverse the distance between London and Calcutta.
+
+Lady Nugent was much shocked at the universal habit of smoking amongst
+Europeans in the East Indies. She sternly refused to allow their two
+aides-de-camp to smoke, "for as they are both only twenty-five, they
+are too young to begin so odious a custom," an idea which will amuse
+the fifteen-year-olds of today.
+
+Not till 1906 did I find myself sailing into Kingston Harbour and
+actually set eyes on Port Royal, the Palisadoes, and Fort Augusta, all
+very familiar by name to me since my boyhood.
+
+I had taken the trip to shake off a prolonged bronchial attack; a
+young Guardsman, a friend of mine, though my junior by many years, was
+convalescent after an illness, and was also recommended a sunbath, so
+we travelled together. The hotels being all full, we took up our
+quarters in a small boarding-house, standing in dense groves of orange
+trees, where each shiver of the night breeze sent the branches of the
+orange trees swish-swishing, and wafted great breaths of the delicious
+fragrance of orange blossom into our rooms. I was in bed, when the
+Guardsman, who had never been in the tropics before, rushed
+terror-stricken into my room. "I have drunk nothing whatever," he
+faltered, "but I must be either very drunk or else mad, for I keep
+fancying that my room is full of moving electric lights." I went into
+his room, where I found some half-dozen of the peculiarly brilliant
+Jamaican fireflies cruising about. The Guardsman refused at first to
+believe that any insect could produce so bright a light, and bemoaned
+the loss of his mental faculties, until I caught a firefly and showed
+him its two lamps gleaming like miniature motor head-lights.
+
+Some pictures stand out startlingly clear-cut in the memory. Such a
+one is the recollection of our first morning in Jamaica. The
+Guardsman, full of curiosity to see something of the mysterious
+tropical island into which we had been deposited after nightfall,
+awoke me at daybreak. After landing from the mail-steamer in the dark,
+we had had merely impressions of oven-like heat, and of a long,
+dim-lit drive in endless suburbs of flimsily built, wooden houses,
+through the spice-scented, hot, black-velvet night, enlivened with
+almost indecently intimate glimpses into humble interiors, where
+swarthy dark forms jabbered and gesticulated, clustered round smoky
+oil-lamps; and as the suburbs gave place to the open country, the vast
+leaves of unfamiliar growths stood out, momentarily silhouetted
+against the blackness by the gleam of our carriage lamps.
+
+It being so early, the Guardsman and I went out as we were, in pyjamas
+and slippers, with, of course, sufficient head protection against the
+fierce sun. Just a fortnight before we had left England under snow, in
+the grip of a black frost; London had been veiled in incessant thick
+fogs for ten days, and we had fallen straight into the most
+exquisitely beautiful island on the face of the globe, bathed in
+perpetual summer.
+
+When we had traversed the grove of orange trees, we came upon a lovely
+little sunk-garden, where beds of cannas, orange, sulphur, and
+scarlet, blazed round a marble fountain, with a silvery jet splashing
+and leaping into the sunshine. The sunk-garden was surrounded on three
+sides by a pergola, heavily draped with yellow alamandas, drifts of
+wine-coloured bougainvillaa, and pale-blue solanums, the size of
+saucers. In the clear morning light it really looked entrancingly
+lovely. On the fourth side the garden ended in a terrace dominating
+the entire Liguanea plain, with the city of Kingston, Kingston
+Harbour, Port Royal, and the hills on the far side spread out below us
+like a map. Those hills are now marked on the Ordnance Survey as the
+"Healthshire Hills." This is a modern euphemism, for the name
+originally given to those hills and the district round them by the
+soldiers stationed in the "Apostles' Battery," was "Hellshire," and
+any one who has had personal experience of the heat there, can hardly
+say that the title is inappropriate. From our heights, even Kingston
+itself looked inviting, an impression not confirmed by subsequent
+visits to that unlovely town. The long, sickle-shape sandspit of the
+Palisadoes separated Kingston Harbour on one side from the blue waters
+of the Caribbean Sea; on the other side the mangrove swamps of the Rio
+Cobre made unnaturally vivid patches of emerald green against the
+background of hills. On railways a green flag denotes that caution
+must be observed; the vivid green of the mangroves is Nature's
+caution-flag to the white man, for where the mangrove flourishes,
+there fever lurks.
+
+The whole scene was so wonderfully beautiful under the blazing
+sunlight, and in the crystal-clear atmosphere, that the Guardsman
+refused to accept it as genuine. "It can't be real!" he cried, "this
+is January. We have got somehow into a pantomime transformation scene.
+In a minute it will go, and I shall wake up in Wellington Barracks to
+find it freezing like mad, with my owl of a servant telling me that I
+have to be on parade in five minutes." This lengthy warrior showed,
+too, a childish incredulity when I pointed out to him cocoa-nuts
+hanging on the palms; a field of growing pineapples below us, or great
+clusters of fruit on the banana trees. Pineapples, cocoanuts, and
+bananas were bought in shops; they did not grow on trees. He would
+insist that the great orange flowers, the size of cabbages, on the
+Brownea trees were artificial, as were the big blue trumpets of the
+Morning Glories. He was in reality quite intoxicated with the novelty
+and the glamour of his first peep into the tropics. By came
+fluttering a great, gorgeous butterfly, the size of a saucer, and
+after it rushed the Guardsman, shedding slippers around him as his
+long legs bent to their task. He might just as well have attempted to
+catch the Scotch Express; but, as he returned to me dripping, he began
+to realise what the heat of Jamaica can do. All the remainder of that
+day the Guardsman remained under the spell of the entrancing beauty of
+his new surroundings, and I was dragged on foot for miles and miles;
+along country lanes, through the Hope Botanical Gardens, down into the
+deep ravine of the Hope River, then back again, both of us dripping
+wet in the fierce heat, in spite of our white drill suits, larding the
+ground as we walked, oozing from every pore, but always urged on and
+on by my enthusiastic young friend, who, suffering from a paucity of
+epithets, kept up monotonous ejaculations of "How absolutely d----d
+lovely it all is!" every two minutes.
+
+I had to remain a full hour in the swimming-bath after my exertions;
+and the Guardsman had quite determined by night-time to "send in his
+papers," and settle down as a coffee-planter in this enchanting
+island.
+
+It is curious that although the Spaniards held Jamaica for one hundred
+and sixty-one years, no trace of the Spaniard in language, customs, or
+architecture is left in the island, for Spain has generally left her
+permanent impress on all countries occupied by her, and has planted
+her language and her customs definitely in them. The one exception as
+regards Jamaica is found in certain place-names such as Ocho Rios, Rio
+Grande, and Rio Cobre, but as these are all pronounced in the English
+fashion, the music of the Spanish names is lost. Not one word of any
+language but English (of a sort) is now heard in the colony. When
+Columbus discovered the island in 1494, he called it Santiago,
+St. James being the patron saint of Spain, but the native name of
+Xaymaca (which being interpreted means "the land of springs")
+persisted somehow, and really there are enough Santiagos already
+dotted about in Spanish-speaking countries, without further additions
+to them. When Admiral Penn and General Venables were sent out by
+Cromwell to break the Spanish power in the West Indies, they succeeded
+in capturing Jamaica in 1655, and British the island has remained ever
+since. To this day the arms of Jamaica are Cromwell's arms slightly
+modified, and George V is not King, but "Supreme Lord of Jamaica," the
+original title assumed by Cromwell. The fine statue of Queen Victoria
+in Kingston is inscribed "Queen of Great Britain and Ireland, Empress
+of India, and Supreme Lady of Jamaica."
+
+Venables found that the Spaniards, craving for yet another Santiago,
+had called the capital of the island Santiago de la Vega, "St. James
+of the Plain," and to this day the official name of Spanish Town, the
+old capital, is St. Jago de Vega, and as such is inscribed on all the
+milestones, only as it is pronounced in the English fashion, it is now
+one of the ugliest names imaginable. The wonderfully beautiful gorge
+of the Rio Cobre, above Spanish Town, was called by the conquistadores
+"Spouting Waters," or Bocas de Agua. This has been Anglicised into the
+hideous name of Bog Walk, just as the "High Waters," Agua Alta, on the
+north side of the island, has become the Wagwater River. The Spanish
+forms seem preferable to me.
+
+Some one has truly said that the old Spaniards shared all the coral
+insect's mania for building. As soon as they had conquered a place,
+they set to work to build a great cathedral, and simultaneously, the
+church then being distinctly militant, a large and solid fort. They
+then proceeded to erect massive walls and ramparts round their new
+settlement, and most of these ramparts are surviving to-day. We, in
+true British haphazard style, did not build for posterity, but allowed
+ramshackle towns to spring up anyhow without any attempt at design or
+plan. There are many things we could learn from the Spanish. Their
+solid, dignified cities of massive stone houses with deep, heavy
+arcades into which the sun never penetrates; their broad plazas where
+cool fountains spout under great shade-trees; their imposing
+over-ornate churches, their general look of solid permanence, put to
+shame our flimsy, ephemeral, planless British West Indian towns of
+match-boarding and white paint. We seldom look ahead: they always did.
+Added to which it would be, of course, too much trouble to lay out
+towns after definite designs; it is much easier to let them grow up
+anyhow. On the other hand, the British colonial towns have all good
+water supplies, and efficient systems of sewerage, which atones in
+some degree for their architectural shortcomings; whilst the Spaniard
+would never dream of bothering his head about sanitation, and would be
+content with a very inadequate water supply. Provided that he had
+sufficient water for the public fountains, the Spaniard would not
+trouble about a domestic supply. The Briton contrives an ugly town in
+which you can live in reasonable health and comfort; the Spaniard
+fashions a most picturesque city in which you are extremely like to
+die. Racial ideals differ.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+An election meeting in Jamaica--Two family experiences at contested
+elections--Novel South African methods--Unattractive Kingston--A
+driving tour through the island--The Guardsman as orchid
+hunter--Derelict country houses--An attempt to reconstruct the
+past--The Fourth-Form Room at Harrow--Elizabethan Harrovians--I meet
+many friends of my youth--The "Sunday" books of the 'sixties--"Black
+and White"--Arrival of the French Fleet--Its inner
+meaning--International courtesies--A delicate attention--Absent
+alligators--The mangrove swamp--A preposterous suggestion--The swamps
+do their work--Fever--A very gallant apprentice--What he did.
+
+
+The Guardsman's enthusiasm about Jamaica remaining unabated, I
+determined to hire a buggy and pair and to make a fortnight's
+leisurely tour of the North Coast and centre of the island. Though not
+peculiarly expeditious, this is a very satisfactory mode of travel; no
+engine troubles, no burst tyres, and no worries about petrol supplies.
+A new country can be seen and absorbed far more easily from a
+horse-drawn vehicle than from a hurrying motor-car, and the little
+country inns in Jamaica, though very plainly equipped, are, as a rule,
+excellent, with surprisingly good if somewhat novel food.
+
+As the member for St. Andrews in the local Legislative Council had
+just died, an election was being held in Kingston. Curious as to what
+an election-meeting in Jamaica might be like, we attended one. The
+hall was very small, and densely packed with people, and the
+suffocating heat drove us away after a quarter of an hour; but never
+have I, in so short a space of time, heard such violent personalities
+hurled from a public platform, although I have had a certain amount of
+experience of contested elections. In 1868, when I was eleven years
+old, I was in Londonderry City when my brother Claud, the sitting
+member, was opposed by Mr. Serjeant Dowse, afterwards Baron Dowse, the
+last of the Irish "Barons of the Exchequer." Party feeling ran very
+high indeed; whenever a body of Dowse's supporters met my brother in
+the street, they commenced singing in chorus, to a popular tune of the
+day:
+
+  "Dowse for iver! Claud in the river!
+  With a skiver through his liver."
+
+Whilst my brother's adherents greeted Dowse in public with a sort of
+monotonous chant to these elegant words:
+
+  "Dowse! Dowse! you're a dirty louse,
+  And ye'll niver sit in the Commons' House."
+
+It will be noticed that this is in the same rhythm that Mark Twain
+made so popular some twenty years later in his conductor's song.
+
+  "Punch, brothers, punch with care,
+  Punch in the presence of the passen-jare."
+
+In spite of the confident predictions of my brother's followers, Dowse
+won the seat by a small majority, nor did my brother succeed in
+unseating him afterwards on Petition.
+
+Another occasion on which feeling ran very high was in Middlesex
+during the 1874 election. Here my brother George was the Conservative
+candidate, and owing to his having played cricket for Harrow at
+Lord's, he was supported enthusiastically by the whole school, the
+Harrow masters being at that time Liberals almost to a man. My tutor,
+a prominent local Liberal, must have been enormously gratified at
+finding the exterior of his house literally plastered from top to
+bottom with crimson placards (crimson is the Conservative colour in
+Middlesex) all urging the electors to "vote for Hamilton the proved
+Friend of the People." Possibly fraternal affection may have had
+something to do with this crimson outburst. My youngest brother took,
+as far as his limited opportunities allowed him, an energetic part in
+this election. He got indeed into some little trouble, for being only
+fifteen years old and not yet versed in the niceties of political
+controversy, he endeavoured to give weight and point to one of his
+arguments with the aid of the sharp end of a football goal-post. My
+brother George was returned by an enormous majority.
+
+The most original electioneering poster I ever saw was in Capetown in
+March, 1914. It was an admirably got-up enlargement of a funeral card,
+with a deep black border, adorned with a realistic picture of a
+hearse, and was worded "Unionist Opposition dead. Government dying.
+Electors of the Liesbeck Division drive your big nails into the coffin
+by voting for Tom Maginess on Saturday." Whether it was due to this
+novel form of electioneering or not, I cannot say, but Maginess won
+the seat by two thousand votes. I still have a copy of that poster.
+
+Neither Londonderry nor Capetown are in Jamaica, but oddly enough,
+Middlesex is, for the island is divided into three counties, Cornwall,
+Middlesex, and Surrey. The local geography is a little confusing, for
+it is a surprise to find (in Jamaica at all events) that Westmoreland
+is in Cornwall, and Manchester in Middlesex.
+
+Kingston owes its position as capital to the misfortunes of its two
+neighbours, Port Royal and Spanish Town. When Port Royal was totally
+destroyed by an earthquake in 1692, the few survivors crossed the bay
+and founded a new town on the sandy Liguanea plain. Owing to its
+splendid harbour, Kingston soon became a place of great importance,
+though the seat of Government remained in sleepy Spanish Town, but the
+latter lying inland, and close to the swamps of the Rio Cobre, was so
+persistently unhealthy that in 1870 the Government was transferred to
+Kingston. Though very prosperous, its most fervent admirer could not
+call it beautiful, and, owing to its sandy soil, it is an intensely
+hot place, but in compensation it receives the full sea breeze. Every
+morning about nine, the sea breeze (locally known as "the Doctor")
+sets in. Gentle at first, by noon it is rushing and roaring through
+the town in a perfect gale, to drop and die away entirely by 4 p.m. By
+a most convenient arrangement, the land breeze, disagreeably known as
+"the Undertaker," drops down from the Liguanea Mountains on to the
+sweltering town about 11 p.m., and continues all through the night. It
+is this double breeze, from sea by day, from land by night, that
+renders life in Kingston tolerable. Owing to the sea breeze invariably
+blowing from the same direction, Jamaicans have the puzzling habit of
+using "Windward" and "Leeward" as synonyms for East and West. To be
+told that such-and-such a place is "two miles to Windward of you"
+seems lacking in definiteness to a new arrival.
+
+As we rolled slowly along in our buggy, the Guardsman was in a state
+of perpetual bewilderment at having growing sugar, coffee, cocoa, and
+rice pointed out to him by the driver. "I thought that it was an
+island," he murmured; "it turns out to be nothing but a blessed
+growing grocer's shop." Half-way between Kingston and Spanish Town is
+the Old Ferry Inn, the oldest inn in the New World. It stands in a
+mass of luxuriant greenery on the very edge of the Rio Cobre swamps,
+and is a place to be avoided at nightfall on that account. This fever
+trap of an inn, being just half-way between Kingston and Spanish Town,
+was, of all places in the island to select, the chosen meeting-place
+of the young bloods of both towns in the eighteenth century. Here they
+drove out to dine and carouse, and as they probably all got drunk,
+many of them must have slept here, on the very edge of the swamp, to
+die of yellow fever shortly afterwards.
+
+Sleepy Spanish Town, the old capital, has a decayed dignity of its
+own. The public square, with its stately eighteenth-century buildings,
+is the only architectural feature I ever saw in the British West
+Indies. Our national lack of imagination is typically exemplified in
+the King's House, now deserted, which occupies one side of the square.
+When it was finished in 1760, it was considered a sumptuous building.
+The architect, Craskell, in that scorching climate, designed exactly
+the sort of red-brick and white stone Georgian house that he would
+have erected at, say, Richmond. With limitless space at his disposal,
+he surrounded his house with streets on all four sides of it, without
+one yard of garden, or one scrap of shade. No wonder that poor little
+Lady Nugent detested this oven of an official residence. The interior,
+though, contains some spacious, stately Georgian rooms; the
+temperature being that of a Turkish bath.
+
+Rodney's monument is a graceful, admirably designed little temple, and
+the cathedral of a vague Gothic, is spacious and dignified. Spanish
+Town cathedral claims to have been built in 1541, in spite of an
+inscription over the door recording that "this church was thrown downe
+by ye dreadfull hurricane of August ye 28, 1712, and was rebuilt in
+1714." It contains a great collection of elaborate and splendid
+monuments, all sent out from England, and erected to various island
+worthies. The amazing arrogance of an inscription on a tombstone of
+1690, in the south transept, struck me as original. It commemorates
+some Lieutenant-Governor of Jamaica, and after the usual eulogistic
+category of his unparalleled good qualities, ends "so in the
+fifty-fifth year of his age he appeared with great applause before his
+God."
+
+There is a peculiarly beautiful tree, the _Petraea_, which seems
+to flourish particularly well in Spanish Town. When in flower in
+February, neither trunk, leaves, nor branches can be seen for its
+dense clusters of bright blue blossoms, which are unfortunately very
+short-lived.
+
+Four miles above Spanish Town the hideously named Bog Walk, the famous
+gorge of the Rio Cobre, commences. I do not believe that there is a
+more exquisitely beautiful glen in the whole world. The clear stream
+rushes down the centre, whilst the rocky walls tower up almost
+perpendicularly for five or six hundred feet on either side, and these
+rocks, precipitous as they are, are clothed with a dense growth of
+tropical forest. The bread-fruit tree with its broad, scalloped
+leaves, the showy star-apple, glossy green above deep gold below,
+mahoganies, oranges, and bananas, all seem to grow wild. The
+bread-fruit was introduced into Jamaica from the South Sea Islands,
+and the first attempt to transplant it was made by the ill-fated
+_Bounty_, and led to the historical mutiny on board, as a result
+of which the mutineers established themselves on Pitcairn Island,
+where their descendants remain to this day. Whatever adventures marked
+its original advent, the bread-fruit has made itself thoroughly at
+home in the West Indies, and forms the staple food of the negroes.
+When carefully prepared it really might pass for under-done bread,
+prepared from very indifferent flour by an inexperienced and unskilled
+baker. It is the immense variety of the foliage and the constantly
+changing panorama that gives Bog Walk its charm, together with the
+red, pink, and fawn-coloured trumpets of the hibiscus, dotting the
+precipitous ramparts of rock over the rushing blue river. Bog Walk is
+distinctly one of those places which no one with opportunities for
+seeing it should miss. It opens out into an equally beautiful basin,
+St. Thomas-in-the-Vale, of which Michael Scott gives an admirable
+description in _Tom Cringle_. I should hardly select that steamy
+cup in the hills as a place of residence, but as a natural
+forcing-house and a sample of riotous vegetation, it is worth seeing.
+
+The native orchids of Jamaica are mostly oncidiums, with insignificant
+little brown and yellow flowers, and have no commercial value
+whatever. The Guardsman, however, was obsessed with the idea that he
+would discover some peerless bloom for which he would be paid hundreds
+of pounds by a London dealer. Every silk-cotton tree is covered with
+what Jamaicans term "wild pines," air-plants, orchids, and other
+epiphytes, and every silk-cotton was to him a potential Golconda, so
+whenever we came across one he wanted the buggy stopped, and up the
+tree he went like a lamp lighter. I am bound to admit that he was an
+admirable tree climber, but I objected on the score of delicacy to the
+large rents that these aerial rambles occasioned in his white ducks.
+On regaining the ground he loaded the buggy with his spoils, despite
+the driver's assertion that "dat all trash." Unfortunately with his
+epiphytes he brought down whole colonies of ants, and the Jamaican ant
+is a most pugnacious insect with abnormal biting powers. After I had
+been forced to disrobe behind some convenient greenery in order to rid
+myself of these aggressive little creatures, I was compelled to put a
+stern veto on further tree exploration.
+
+The ascent from Ewarton, over the Monte Diavolo, is so splendid that I
+have made it five times for sheer delight in the view. Below lies
+St. Thomas-in-the-Vale, a splendid riot of palms, orange, and forest
+trees, and above it towers hill after hill, dominated by the lofty
+peaks of the Blue Mountains. It is a gorgeously vivid panorama, all in
+greens, gold, and vivid blues. Monte Diavolo is the only part of
+Jamaica where there are wild parrots; it is also the home of the
+allspice tree, or pimento, as it is called in the island. This curious
+tree cannot be raised from seed or cutting, neither can it be layered;
+it can only propagate itself in Nature's own fashion, and the seed
+must pass through the body of a bird before it will germinate. So it
+is fortunate, being the important article of commerce it is, that the
+supply of trees is not failing. Bay rum is made from the leaves of the
+allspice tree.
+
+Once over the Monte Diavolo, quite a different Jamaica unrolls itself.
+Broad pasture-lands replace the tropical house at Kew; rolling,
+well-kept fields of guinea-grass, surrounded with neat, dry-stone
+walls and with trim gates, give an impression of a long-settled land.
+We were amongst the "pen-keepers," or stock-raisers here. This part of
+the colony certainly has a home-like look; a little spoilt as regards
+resemblance by the luxuriance with which creepers and plants, which at
+home we cultivate with immense care in stove-houses, here riot wild in
+lavish masses over the stone walls. If the cherished rarities of one
+country are unnoticed weeds in another land, plenty of analogies in
+other respects spring to the mind. I could wish though, for aesthetic
+reasons, that our English lanes grew tropical Begonias, Coraline, and
+a peculiarly attractive Polypody fern, similar to ours, except for the
+young growths being rose-pink. Between Dry Harbour and Brown's Town
+there is one succession of fine country-places, derelict for the most
+part now, but remnants of the great days before King Sugar was
+dethroned. Here the opulent sugar planters built themselves lordly
+pleasure houses on the high limestone formation. Sugar grows best on
+swampy ground, but swamps breed fever, so these magnates wisely made
+their homes on the limestone, and so increased their days.
+
+The high-road runs past one stately entrance-gate after another;
+entrances with high Georgian, carved stone gateposts surmounted with
+vases, probably sent out ready-made from England; Adam entrances, with
+sphinxes and the stereotyped Adam semi-circular railings, all very
+imposing, and all alike derelict. Beyond the florid wrought-iron gates
+the gravel drives disappear under a uniform sea of grass; the once
+neatly shaved lawns are covered with dense "bush." All gone! Planters
+and their fine houses alike! King Sugar has been for long dethroned.
+The names of these places, "Amity," "Concord," "Orange Grove,"
+"Harmony Hall," "Friendship," and "Fellowship Hall," all rather
+suggest the names of Masonic Lodges, and seem to point to a certain
+amount of conviviality. The houses themselves are hardly up to the
+standard of their ambitious entrance-gates, for they are mostly of the
+stereotyped Jamaican "Great House" type; plain, gabled buildings
+surrounded by verandahs, looking rather like gigantic meat safes; but,
+as they say in Ireland, any beggar can see the gatehouse, but few
+people see the house itself, and I imagine that skilled craftsmen were
+rare in Jamaica in the eighteenth century.
+
+The attempt to reconstruct the life of one, two, or three hundred
+years ago has always appealed to me, especially amidst very familiar
+scenes. The stage-setting, so to speak, is much as it must have
+appeared to our predecessors, but the actual drama played on the stage
+must have been so very different. I should have liked to have seen
+these planters' houses a hundred years ago, swarming with guests,
+whilst the cookhouses smoked bravely as armies of black slaves busied
+themselves in preparing one of the gigantic repasts described by Lady
+Nugent. Unfortunately to enter thoroughly into the spirit of the
+thing, one would have been forced, in her words, "to eat like a
+cormorant, and to drink like a porpoise," with the certainty of a
+liver attack to follow.
+
+Talking of bygone days, the Fourth-Form Room at Harrow has been
+unchanged since Queen Elizabeth's time, and still retains all its
+Elizabethan fittings: heavy, clumsy, solid oak armchairs for the
+masters, each one equipped with a stout, iron-bound, oak table, and
+strong oak benches for the boys. As a youngster, I liked to think that
+I was sitting on the identical benches occupied, more than three
+hundred years earlier, by Elizabethan youths in trunk hose and
+doublets. In my youth I was much impressed in Canterbury Cathedral by
+the sight of the deep grooves worn by the knees of countless thousands
+of pilgrims to Thomas a Beckett's shrine in the solid stone of the
+steps leading from the Choir to the retro-Choir, steps only to be
+ascended by pilgrims on their knees. At Harrow the inch-thick oak
+planks of the Elizabethan benches have been completely worn through in
+places by the perpetual fidgeting of hundreds of generations of
+schoolboys, which is as remarkable in its way as the knee grooves at
+Canterbury, though the attrition is due to a different portion of the
+human anatomy. As a boy I used to wonder how the trunk-hosed
+Elizabethan Harrovians addressed each other, and whether they found it
+very difficult to avoid palpable anachronisms in every sentence.
+Their conversations would probably have been something like this:
+"Come hither, young Smith; I would fain speak with thee. Only one
+semester hast thou been here, and thy place in the school is but
+lowly, yet are thy hose cross-gartered, and thy doublet is of silk.
+Thou swankest, and that is not seemly, therefore shall I trounce thee
+right lustily to teach thee what a sorry young knave thou art." "Nay,
+good Master Brown, hearken to me. This morn too late I kept my bed,
+and finding not my buff jerkin, did don in haste my Sunday doublet of
+changeable taffeta, for thou wottest the ills that do befall those
+late for school. Neither by my halidom knew I, that being yet of
+tender years, it was not meet for me to go cross-gartered, so prithee,
+gentle youth, cease belabouring me with thy feet."
+
+Incidentally, I suppose that Christopher Columbus and his adventurers
+all landed in the West Indies in 1492, clad in full armour, after the
+fashion of the age, and I cannot imagine how they escaped being baked
+alive in the scorching heat. Every suit of armour must have been a
+portable Dutch-oven, inflicting tortures on its unfortunate wearer.
+The little bay near Brown's Town where Columbus landed in Jamaica, on
+his third voyage, is still called "Don Christopher's Cove," though the
+Spanish form of his name is, of course, Cristobal Colon.
+
+Brown's Town is the most beautiful little spot imaginable, glowing
+with colour from its wealth of flowers. It had, though, another
+attraction for me. The hotel was kept by a white lady of most
+"serious" views, and in the hotel dining-room I found a bookshelf
+containing all the books given me as a child for Sunday reading. There
+they all were! _Little Henry and his Bearer_, _Anna Ross the Orphan of
+Waterloo_, _Agathos_, and many, many more, including a well-remembered
+American book, _Melbourne House_. The heroine of the last-named work,
+an odiously priggish child called Daisy Randolph, refused to sing on a
+Sunday when desired to do so by her mother. For this, most properly,
+she was whipped. A devoted black maid who shared Daisy's religious
+views, comforted her little mistress by bringing her a supper of fried
+oysters, ice-cream and waffles. As a child I used to think how gladly I
+would undergo a whipping every Sunday were it only to be followed by a
+supper of fried oysters, ice-cream and waffles, the latter a comestible
+unknown to me, but suggesting infinitely delicious possibilities.
+Unfortunately I can never remember having been asked to sing on Sunday,
+or indeed on any other day.
+
+Speaking seriously, I do not believe that these emotionally pietistic
+little books produced any good effect on the children into whose hands
+they were put. I remember as a child feeling exasperated against the
+ultra-righteous little heroines of all these works. I say heroine,
+because no boy was ever given a chance as a household-reformer, unless
+he had happened to have been born a hopeless cripple, or were
+suffering from an incurable spinal complaint. In the latter case,
+experience induced the certainty that the author would be unable to
+resist the temptation of introducing a pathetic death-bed scene.
+Accordingly, when the little hero's spine grew increasingly painful
+and he began to waste away, the two next chapters were carefully
+skipped in order to be spared the harrowing details of the young
+martyr's demise. Girls, not being so invariably doomed to an early
+death, were alone qualified to act as family evangelists, and one knew
+that the sweet child's influence was bound, slowly but surely, to
+permeate the entire household. Her mother would cease to care only for
+"the world and its fine things," and would even endeavour to curb her
+inordinate love of dress. Her father would practically abandon
+betting, and, should he have been fortunate enough to have backed a
+winner, would at once rush on conscience-stricken feet to pour the
+whole of his gains into the nearest missionary collecting-box. Even
+the cynical old bachelor uncle, who habitually scoffed at his niece's
+precocious piety, became gradually influenced by her shining example,
+and would awake one morning to find himself the amazed, yet gratified,
+possessor of "a new heart."
+
+In order to renew my acquaintance with the whole of these friends of
+my youth, I remained two days longer in Brown's Town, with the assent
+of the good-natured Guardsman.
+
+Joss, the Guardsman, had a fine baritone voice, and the English rector
+of Brown's Town, after hearing him sing in the hotel, at once
+commandeered him for his church on Sunday, though warning him that he
+would be the only white member of the choir. My services were also
+requisitioned for the organ. That church at Brown's Town is, by the
+way, the most astonishingly spacious and handsome building to find in
+an inland country parish in Jamaica. On the Sunday, seeing the
+Guardsman in conversation with the local tenor, a gentleman of
+absolutely ebony-black complexion, at the vestry door, both of them in
+their cassocks and surplices, I went to fetch my camera, for here at
+last was a chance of satisfying the Guardsman's mania for turning his
+trip to the West Indies to profitable account. Every one is familiar
+with the ingenious advertisements of the proprietors of a certain
+well-known brand of whisky. My photograph would, unquestionably, be a
+picture in "Black and White," both as regards complexion and costume,
+but on second thoughts, the likenesses of two choir-men in cassocks
+and surplices seemed to me inappropriate as an advertisement for a
+whisky, however excellent it might be, though they had both
+unquestionably been engaged in singing spiritual songs.
+
+It was Archbishop Magee who, when Bishop of Peterborough, encountered
+a drunken navvy one day as he was walking through the poorer quarters
+of that town. The navvy staggered out of a public-house, diffusing a
+powerful aroma of gin all round him; when he saw his Chief Pastor he
+raised his hand in a gesture of mock benediction and called jeeringly
+to the Bishop, "The Lord be with you!" "And with thy _spirits_,"
+answered Magee like a flash.
+
+The drive from Brown's Town across the centre of the island to
+Mandeville is one of the most beautiful things that can be imagined.
+It can only be undertaken with mules, and then requires twelve hours,
+the road running through the heart of the ginger-growing district, of
+which Boroughbridge is the headquarters. The Guardsman was more than
+ever confirmed in his opinion that Jamaica was only a growing grocer's
+shop, especially as we had passed through dense groves of nutmeg-trees
+in the morning. I have a confused recollection of deep valleys
+traversed by rushing, clear streams, of towering pinnacles of rock,
+and of lovely forest glades, the whole of them clothed with the most
+gorgeous vegetation that can be conceived, of strange and unfamiliar
+shapes glowing with unknown blossoms, with blue mountains in the
+distance. It was one ever-changing panorama of loveliness, with
+beauty of outline, beauty of detail, and unimaginable beauty of
+colour.
+
+We were forced to return to Kingston, for a French Cruiser Squadron
+was paying a prolonged visit to Jamaica, and the Governor required my
+services as interpreter.
+
+That visit of the French Fleet was quite an historical event, for it
+was the first outward manifestation of the Anglo-French Entente. The
+Anglo-French Convention had been signed two years previously, on April
+8, 1904. I cannot say with whom the idea of terminating the
+five-hundred-year-old feud between Britain and France originated, but
+I know who were the instruments who translated the idea into practical
+effect: they were M. Paul Cambon, French Ambassador in London, and my
+brother-in-law, Lord Lansdowne, then Foreign Secretary; between them
+they smoothed down asperities, removed ancient grievances, and
+lubricated points of contact where friction might arise. No one,
+probably, anticipated at the time the tremendous consequences of the
+Anglo-French Convention, nor dreamed that it was destined, after the
+most terrible conflict of all time, to change the entire history of
+the world.
+
+In the early part of 1905 the Emperor William had made his theatrical
+triumphal progress through the Turkish dominions, and on March 31 of
+the same year he landed at Tangier in great state. What exact
+agreement the Emperor concluded with the Sultan of Morocco we do not
+know, but from that moment the French met with nothing but
+difficulties in Morocco, their own particular "sphere of influence"
+under the Anglo-French Convention. All the reforms proposed by France
+were flouted by the Sultan, and Germans claimed equal commercial and
+economic rights with the French. A conference met at Algeciras on
+January 10, 1906, to settle these and other disputed questions, but
+the French authorities viewed the situation with the utmost anxiety.
+They were convinced that the "mailed fist" would be brandished in
+their faces on the smallest provocation, and that the French Navy
+might have to intervene.
+
+Now came the first visible result of the _entente_. The British
+Government offered the hospitality of Kingston Harbour, with coaling
+facilities, for an unlimited period to the French Cruiser Squadron,
+then in the West Indies. Kingston is not only the finest harbour in
+the Antilles, but the coaling arrangements are far superior to any in
+the French ports, and, most important point of all, Kingston would be
+some twenty-four hours steaming nearer to Gibraltar and the
+Mediterranean, in case of emergency, than the French islands of
+Guadeloupe or Martinique.
+
+The arrival, then, of the French Fleet was a great event, and, acting
+possibly on a hint from home, every attention was shown to the French
+officers by the Governor, Sir Alexander Swettenham. He entertained
+forty French officers to luncheon at King's House, and his French
+having grown rather rusty, asked me to welcome them in his name. I
+took great care in preparing my speech, and began by ascertaining
+whether any of the reporters who would be present understood French. I
+was much relieved to find that not one of them knew a single word of
+the language, for that gave me a free hand. The table, on the occasion
+of the luncheon, was decorated in a fashion only possible in the West
+Indies. One end of the table glowed, a scarlet carpet of the splendid
+flowers of the _Amherstia nobilis_, looking like red satin tassels,
+then came a carpet of the great white trumpets of the _Beaumontia_, on
+a ground of white stephanotis. Lastly a blue carpet of giant solanums,
+interspersed with the dainty blue blossoms of the _Petraea_, the whole
+forming the most magnificent tricolour flag imaginable. The French
+officers much appreciated this attention.
+
+I spoke for twenty minutes, and fairly let myself go. With a feeling
+of security due to the inability of the reporters to follow French, I
+said the most abominably indiscreet things, considering that it was an
+official entertainment in an official residence, but I think that I
+must have been quite eloquent, for, when I sat down, the French
+Admiral crossed the room and shook hands warmly with me, saying,
+"Monsieur, au nom de la France je vous remercie."
+
+Joss, the Guardsman, struck up an intimate alliance with a young
+French naval lieutenant of his own age. As the Guardsman knew just two
+words of French, and the Frenchman was totally ignorant of English, I
+cannot conceive how they understood one another, but they seemed to
+take great delight in each other's society, exploring together every
+corner of Kingston, both by day and by night, addressing each other as
+"Henri, old man," or "Joss vieux copain," and jabbering away
+incessantly, each in his own tongue.
+
+Lady Swettenham, the Governor's wife, paid a formal visit to the
+Admiral on board his flag-ship, the _Desaix_, and I accompanied
+her. The Admiral told Lady Swettenham that she and Lady Lathom, who
+was with her, must consent to be tied up with ribbons bearing the
+ship's name, the French naval fashion of doing honour to ladies of
+distinction. The Flag-Lieutenant came in and took a good look at the
+ladies' dresses; Lady Swettenham being in white, Lady Lathom in pale
+mauve. Presently "Flags" reappeared bearing white and mauve ribbons
+(of the exact shade of her dress) for Lady Lathom, and pale pink and
+blue ones for Lady Swettenham, each about four yards long.
+Proverbially gallant as are British naval officers, the idea of first
+studying the ladies' dresses would not have occurred to them; that
+little touch requires a Frenchman. We wished to take our leave, but
+the Admiral begged us to remain; there was evidently something coming.
+It was an intensely hot afternoon, and the heavy, red-plush furniture
+and curtains of the Admiral's cabin seemed to add to the heat. His
+face wore the expression some people assume when they are preparing a
+treat for a child. "Flags" looked in and nodded. "Faites entrer
+alors," ordered the Admiral, still smiling, and a steward came in
+bearing six bottles of Guinness' stout. "You see that I know what you
+like," added the Admiral, beaming. On a broiling hot afternoon in
+Jamaica, tepid stout is the very last thing in the world that one
+would choose to drink, but the Admiral was convinced that it was the
+habitual beverage of all English people, and had actually sent his
+steward ashore to procure the precious liquid. It was a delicate
+attention, but it so happened that both ladies had a positive aversion
+to stout; they drank it bravely notwithstanding, and we all assumed
+expressions of intense delight, to the Admiral's immense
+gratification.
+
+It was the Admiral's first visit to the West Indies, and he did not
+like them. "Non, madame. Des nuits sans fraicheur, des fleurs sans
+odeur, des fruits sans saveur, des femmes sans pudeur; voila les
+Antilles!"
+
+The Guardsman and I, anxious to see more of this lovely island, went
+off by train to the western extremity of Jamaica. The engineer who
+surveyed the Jamaican Government Railway must have been an extremely
+eccentric individual. There is a comparatively level and very fertile
+belt near the sea-coast, extending right round the island. Here nearly
+all the produce is grown. Instead of building his railway through this
+flat, thickly populated zone, the engineer chose to construct his line
+across the mountain range of the interior, a district very sparsely
+inhabited, and hardly cultivated at all. The Jamaica Government
+Railway is admirably designed if regarded as a scenic railway, but is
+hardly successful if considered as a commercial undertaking. The train
+winds slowly through the "Cockpit" country; now panting laboriously up
+steep inclines, now sliding down a long gradient, with a prodigious
+grinding of brakes and squeaking of wheels. The scenery is gorgeous,
+but there is no produce to handle at the various stations, and but few
+passengers to pick up. As we found every hotel full at our
+destination, we had to take refuge in a boarding-house, though warned
+that it was only for coloured people. We found four subfuse young men,
+with complexions shaded from pale coffee-colour to deep sepia, at
+supper in the dining-room.
+
+"May I inquire, sir," said the Guardsman, with ready tact, to the
+lightest-complexioned of the young men, "how long you have been out
+from England?"
+
+"I was born in Jamaica, sir," answered the immensely gratified youth,
+"and have never left it."
+
+"And do you, sir," continued the Guardsman to the swarthiest of them
+all, "feel the heat of the climate much? It is rather a change from
+England, isn't it?"
+
+"I, too, sir, have never left Jamaica," replied the delighted young
+man.
+
+So enchanted were these dusky youths at having been mistaken for white
+men, that they simply overwhelmed us with attentions during the rest
+of our stay there.
+
+The Guardsman was bent on shooting an alligator, and having heard that
+these pleasant saurians swarmed in a swamp beyond the town, went there
+at dusk with his rifle, and I, very foolishly, was induced to
+accompany him. There is something most uncanny in these tracts of
+swamp at nightfall. The twisted, distorted trees, the gleaming,
+evil-smelling pools of water, and the immense, snake-like lianes
+hanging from the branches all give one a curious sense of unreality,
+especially on a moonlight night. It is like a Gustave Dore drawing of a
+bewitched forest. The Guardsman splashed about in the shallow water,
+but never a sign of an alligator did we see. Giant tortoises crawled
+lazily about, just visible in the half-light under the trees;
+innumerable land-crabs scurried to and fro, and unclean reptiles
+pattered over the fetid ooze, but we saw no more alligators than we
+should have seen in St. James's Park.
+
+There was a little group of coral islands, decked with plumes of
+cocoa-nut palms, on the other side of the bay, close to a great
+mangrove swamp, and the Guardsman insisted on our hiring a boat and
+rowing out there, blazing though the sun was. These mangrove swamps
+are evil-looking places. The mangrove, the only tree, I believe, that
+actually grows in salt water, has unnaturally green leaves. The trees
+grow on things like stilts, digging their roots deep into the foul
+slime. When the tide is out, these stilts stand grey and naked below
+the canopy of vivid greenery, and amongst them obscene, crab-like
+things crawl over the festering black ooze. The water in the labyrinth
+of channels between the mangroves was thick and discoloured; there was
+not a breath of air, the heat was unbearable, and the whole place
+steamed with decay and disease.
+
+Yet somehow the scene seemed very familiar, for one had read of it,
+again and again, in a hundred boys' books. The same mental process was
+at work both in myself and in Joss, but it took different forms. I
+composed in my mind a chapter of a thrilling romance. "Suddenly down
+one of the glassy channels between the mangroves we saw the pirate
+felucca approaching us rapidly. She had got out her sweeps and looked
+like some gigantic water-insect as she made her way towards us,
+churning the sleeping waters into foam. At her tiller stood a tall
+form, which I recognised with a shudder as that of the villainous
+mulatto Pedro, and her black flag drooped limply in the stagnant air.
+Our gallant captain at once ordered our carronades to be loaded with
+canister, and then addressed the crew. 'Yonder gang of dastardly
+miscreants think to capture us, my lads,' cried Captain Trueman, 'but
+little they know the material they have to deal with. Even the boys,
+Bob and Jim, young as they are, will show them the sort of stuff a
+British tar is made of, if I am not mistaken.' On hearing our gallant
+captain's noble words, Jim and I exchanged a silent hand-grip, and
+Jim, snatching up a matchlock, levelled it at the head of the mulatto
+Pedro, but at that very moment," etc., etc., etc., though I much fear
+that the remainder of _Bob, the Boy Buccaneer of the Bahamas_ will
+remain unwritten.
+
+Our surroundings suggested the same idea to Joss, but were prompting
+the Guardsman to more direct action. From one or two of his remarks I
+had foreseen the possibility of his making an incredible suggestion to
+me, and gradually suspicion ripened into horrified certainty.
+
+"Would you very much mind--" he began, "at least if you are not too
+old--I should so like--we shall never get another opportunity like
+this--would you very much mind--" and out it came, "playing at pirates
+for a little while?"
+
+It was unthinkable! The Guardsman was actually proposing to a staid,
+middle-aged gentleman of forty-eight, an ex-Member of Parliament, a
+church-warden, and an ex-editor, to play at pirates with him, as
+though he were ten years old. I pointed out how unusual it was for an
+officer in the Coldstream, aged twenty-six, to think even of so
+puerile an amusement, but to include a dignified, earnest-minded,
+elderly man in the invitation was really an unprecedented outrage. My
+justifiable indignation increased when I found that the Guardsman
+actually expected me at my age to enact the role of "Carlos, the
+Cut-throat of the Caribbean."
+
+Our discussion was interrupted by a violent shivering fit which seized
+me, accompanied by a sudden, racking headache. The swamps had done
+their work on the previous evening. By night-time I was in a high
+fever, and when we returned to Kingston next day by train, I, with a
+temperature up to anywhere, was hardly conscious of where I was or
+what I was doing.
+
+I was put to bed at King's House, and the fever rapidly turned to
+malarial gastritis. The distressing feature connected with this
+complaint is that it is impossible to retain any nourishment whatever.
+An attack of fever is so common in hot countries that this would not
+be worth mentioning, except as an example of the curious way in which
+Nature sometimes prompts her own remedy. The doctor tried half the
+drugs in the pharmacopoeia on me, the fever simply laughed at them
+all. Nothing could have exceeded the kindness of Sir Alexander and
+Lady Swettenham during my illness, but as I could take no nourishment
+of any kind, I naturally grew very weak. The doctor urged me to cancel
+my passage and await the next steamer to England, but something told
+me that as soon as I felt the motion of a ship under me, the
+persistent sickness would stop. I also felt sure that were I to remain
+in Jamaica another fortnight, I should remain there permanently, and
+gruesome memories haunted me of an undertaker's shop in Kingston,
+which displayed a prominent sign, "Handsome black and gold funeral
+goods" (note the euphemism!) "delivered in any part of the city within
+two hours of telephone call." As I had no desire to make a more
+intimate acquaintance with the "funeral goods," however handsome, I
+insisted on being carried down to the mail-steamer, and was put to bed
+in the liner. It was blowing very fresh, and we heard that there was a
+heavy sea outside. As long as we lay alongside the jetty in the smooth
+waters of the harbour, the distressing symptoms persisted at their
+regular intervals, but no sooner had the ship cleared Port Royal and
+begun to lift to the very heavy sea outside, than the sickness stopped
+as though by magic. The _Port Kingston_, of the now defunct Imperial
+Direct West India Mail Line, was really a champion pitcher, for she had
+an immense beam for her length, and a great amount of top-hamper in the
+way of deck-houses. As the violent motion continued, I was able to take
+as much food as I wanted with impunity, and next day, the heavy seas
+still tossing the _Port Kingston_ about like a cork, I was up and
+about, perfectly well, free from fever and able, as Lady Nugent would
+have said, "to eat like a cormorant." I noted, however, that the motion
+of the ship seemed to produce on most of the passengers an exactly
+opposite effect to what it did on myself.
+
+The voyage from Jamaica, by that line, was rather a trying one, for in
+the interest of the cargo of bananas, the Captain steered straight for
+the Newfoundland Banks, so in five days the temperature dropped from
+90 degrees to 40 degrees, and the unfortunate West Indian passengers
+would cower and shiver in their thickest clothes over the radiators,
+where the steam hissed and sizzled.
+
+Before we had been at sea two days, we heard of a most gallant act
+that had been done by one in our midst. The mail-boats of the Imperial
+Direct Line each carried from six to eight apprentices, young lads in
+process of training as officers in the Merchant Service. The
+apprentices on board the _Port Kingston_ had had a great deal of
+hard work whilst the ship was loading her cargo of fruit at Port
+Henderson previous to our voyage home, so the Captain granted them all
+a holiday, lent them one of the ship's boats, provided them with
+luncheon and fishing lines, and sent them out for a day's sailing and
+fishing in Kingston Harbour.
+
+They sailed and caught fish, and, as the afternoon wore on, began to
+"rag," as boys will do. They ragged so effectually that they managed
+to capsize the boat, and were, all of them, thrown into the water.
+
+Curiously enough, three of the eight apprentices were unable to swim.
+The senior apprentice, a boy named Robert Clinch, seventeen years old,
+swam out, and brought back two of his young companions in safety to
+the keel of the upturned boat. Clinch was just starting to bring in
+the third lad, the youngest of them all, when there was a great swirl
+in the water, the grey outline of a shark rose to the surface, turned
+on his back, and dragged the little fellow down. Clinch, without one
+instant's hesitation, dived under the shark and attacked him with his
+bare fists. It was an immensely courageous thing to do, for where
+there is one shark there will probably be many, and the boy knew that
+he ran the risk of being torn to pieces at any minute. So rigorous was
+his onslaught on the shark that the fish released his victim, though
+not before he had bitten off both the little fellow's legs at the
+thigh. Clinch swam back with the mangled body of his young friend to
+the upturned boat, and managed to get him on to the keel, but the poor
+lad bled to death in a few minutes.
+
+Young Clinch was a most modest boy. Nothing could get him to talk of
+his exploit, and should the subject be mentioned, he would grow very
+red, shuffle his feet, and turn the conversation into some other
+channel. The passengers drew up an address, with which they presented
+him, as a mark of their appreciation of his act of heroism, but it was
+with great difficulty that Clinch could be induced to accept it.
+
+The episode made such an impression on me that I wrote out an account
+of it, got it attested and signed by the Captain, and forwarded it to
+Lord Knollys, an old friend of mine, who was then Private Secretary to
+King Edward, asking him to bring the matter to his Majesty's notice.
+
+I am pleased to add that, in due course, Midshipman Robert Clinch was
+duly summoned to Buckingham Palace, where he received the well-earned
+Albert Medal for saving life, and also the Medal of the Royal Humane
+Society.
+
+I should very much like to know what Robert Clinch's subsequent career
+has been.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+The Spanish Main--Its real meaning--A detestable region--Tarpon and
+sharks--The isthmus--The story of the great pearl "La Pelegrina"--The
+Irishman and the Peruvian--The vagaries of the Southern Cross--The
+great Kingston earthquake--Point of view of small boys--Some
+earthquake incidents--"Flesh-coloured" stockings--Negro hysteria--A
+family incident, and the unfortunate Archbishop--Port Royal--A sugar
+estate--A scene from a boy's book in real life--Cocoa-nuts--
+Reef-fishing--Two young men of great promise.
+
+
+With so firm a hold had Jamaica captured me that January 3, 1907,
+found me again starting for that delightful island, this time
+accompanied by a very favourite nephew, who, poor lad, was destined to
+fall in Belgium in the very early days of the war.
+
+We purposely chose the longer route by Barbados, Trinidad, and the
+Spanish Main, in order to be able to visit the Panama Canal Works,
+then only in their semi-final stage.
+
+A curious misapprehension seems to exist about that term "Spanish
+Main," which somehow suggests to me infinite romance; conquistadores,
+treasure-ships, gentlemen-adventurers, and bold buccaneers. It is
+merely a shortened way of writing Spanish Main_land_, and refers
+not to the sea, but to the land; the _terra firma_, as opposed to
+the Antilles; the continent, in distinction to the islands. By a
+natural process the term came to be applied to the sea washing the
+Spanish Mainland, but "main" does _not_ mean sea, and never did.
+It is only in the last hundred years that poets have begun to use
+"main" as synonymous with sea, probably because there are so many more
+rhymes to the former than to the latter, and it sounds a fine dashing
+sort of term, but I can find no trace of a warrant for the use of the
+word in this sense before 1810. "Main" refers to the land, not to the
+water.
+
+I can imagine no more detestable spot anywhere than this Spanish Main,
+in spite of the distant view of the mighty Cordilleras, around whose
+summits perpetual thunderstorms seem to play, and from which fierce
+gales swoop down on the sea. Clammy, suffocating heat, fever-dealing
+swamps, decaying towns, with an effete population and a huge rainfall,
+do not constitute an attractive whole. Owing to the intense humidity,
+even the gales bring no refreshing coolness in their train.
+
+It is easy to understand the importance the old Spanish conquistadores
+attached to the Isthmus of Panama, for all the gold brought from Peru
+had to be carried across it on mule-back to the Atlantic coast, before
+it could be shipped to Spain. Even Columbus, who did not know of the
+existence of the Pacific, founded a short-lived settlement at Porto
+Bello, or Nombre de Dios, in 1502, and Martin de Enciso established
+another at Darien in 1502, but the combined effects of the deadly
+climate and of hostile Indians exterminated the settlers. After Vasco
+Nunez de Balboa had discovered the Pacific on September 26, 1513, the
+strategic importance of the Isthmus became obvious, so Cartagena on
+the Caribbean, and Panama on the Pacific were founded. The ill-advised
+and ill-fated enterprise of the Scotsman William Patterson came much
+later, in 1698. The Scottish settlement of Darien, from which such
+marvellous results were expected, lasted barely two years. In 1700 the
+few survivors of the adventurers from Scotland were expelled by the
+Spaniards, ruined alike in health and pocket. The fever-stricken
+coasts of the Spanish Main needed but little defence of forts and
+guns, to protect them against the aggressive efforts of other European
+nations.
+
+At our first calling-place after leaving England, we heard of the
+total destruction of Kingston, our destination, by the great
+earthquake of January 14, but it was too late to turn back, so on we
+went, past breezy Barbados, and sweltering Trinidad, to the Spanish
+Main. The curious little nautilus, or Portuguese man-of-war, is very
+common in these waters, and can be seen in quantities sailing along
+the surface with their crude-magenta membranes extended to the breeze.
+Cartagena de Indias, a city of narrow streets, high houses and massive
+ramparts, is a curious piece of seventeenth-century Spain to find
+transplanted to the Tropics. I imagine that all its inhabitants, by
+the law of the survival of the fittest, must be immune from fever,
+which is certainly not the case in that most unattractive spot Colon.
+
+It may interest any prospective visitors to Colon to learn that there
+is excellent tarpon fishing in Colon Harbour itself. My nephew, having
+provided himself with a tarpon rod, hooked a splendid fish from the
+deck of the mail-steamer, the bait being a "cavalle," a local white
+fish of some 3 lbs. My nephew played the tarpon for nearly two hours;
+the fish fought splendidly, shooting continuously into the air, a
+curved glittering bar of silver, 180 lbs. of giant gleaming herring,
+when the line (a stout piano wire) suddenly snapped as he was being
+reeled in. A tarpon fisherman has a leathern "bucket" strapped in
+front of him, in which to rest the butt of his rod, otherwise the
+strain would be too great. Whilst my nephew was playing his tarpon, I
+was fortunate enough to hook a large shark, and there was little fear
+of my line parting, for it was a light chain of solid steel. I was
+surprised that the brute showed so little fight, he let me tow him
+about where I liked. We fixed a running noose to the wire rope of a
+derrick, and after a few attempts succeeded in dropping it over the
+shark's head, and in tautening it behind his fins; the steam-derrick
+did the rest. I could see distinctly six or seven pilot-fish playing
+round the shark. They were of about a pound weight, and were marked
+exactly like our fresh-water perch, except that their stripes were
+bright blue on a golden ground. As the shark is rather stupid, and has
+but poor eyesight, the function of the pilot-fish is to ascertain
+where food is to be found, and then to show their master the way to
+it, after which, like the sycophants they are, they live on the crumbs
+that fall from his mouth. The pilot-fish only deserted their master
+when the derrick hauled him out of the water, and at the same time
+some dozen remoras, or sucking-fish, looking like disgusted bloated
+leeches, let go their hold on the shark and dropped back into the sea.
+
+No human being would voluntarily pay a second visit to Colon, a dirty,
+mean collection of shanties, with inhabitants worthy of it. The
+principal article of commerce seemed to be black-calico "funeral
+suits," a sartorial novelty to me.
+
+Since the Americans took command of the Canal Zone they have achieved
+wonders in the way of sanitation, and have practically extirpated
+yellow fever. The credit for this is principally due to Colonel
+Goethals, but no amount of sanitation can transform a belt of swamps
+with an annual rainfall of 150 inches into a health-resort. The
+yellow-lined faces of the American engineers told their own tale,
+although they had no longer to contend with the fearful mortality from
+yellow fever which, together with venality and corruption, effectually
+wrecked Ferdinand de Lesseps' attempt to pierce the Isthmus in 1889.
+
+The railway between Colon and Panama was opened as far back as 1855,
+and is supposed to have cost a life for every sleeper laid. Neglected
+little cemeteries stretch beside the track almost from ocean to ocean.
+Before the American Government took over the railway there was one
+class and one fare between Colon and Panama, for which the modest sum
+of $25 gold was demanded, or 5 pounds for forty-seven miles, which
+makes even our existing railway fares seem moderate. People had perforce
+to use the railway, for there were no other means of communication.
+
+For forty-seven miles the track runs through rank, steamy swamps,
+devoid of beauty, the monotony only broken by the endless cemeteries
+and an occasional alligator dozing on a bank of black slime.
+
+Panama is the oldest city on the American Continent, and has just four
+hundred and one years of history behind it. It has unquestionably a
+strong element of the picturesque about it. It is curious to see in
+America so venerable a church as that of Santa Ana, built in 1560.
+
+From the immensely solid ramparts, built in the actual Pacific, the
+Pearl Islands are dimly visible. These islands had a personal interest
+for me. Balboa was the first European to set eyes on the Pacific on
+September 29, 1513. He had with him one hundred and ninety Spaniards,
+amongst whom was the famous Pizarro. A few days after, he crossed over
+to the Pearl Islands, which he found in a state of great commotion,
+for a slave had just found the largest pear-shaped pearl ever seen.
+Balboa, with great presence of mind, at once annexed the great pearl,
+and gave the slave his freedom.
+
+Having fallen out of favour with Ferdinand V. of Spain (Isabella had
+died in 1504), Balboa endeavoured to propitiate the king by sending
+home an envoy with gifts for him, and amongst these presents was the
+great pearl. The beauty of the jewel was at once recognised; it was
+named "La Pelegrina," and took its place amongst the treasures of the
+Spanish Crown. After Ferdinand V.'s death, the great pearl with the
+other Crown jewels came into the possession of his grandson, the
+Hapsburg Emperor Charles V., and from Charles "La Pelegrina" descended
+to his son, Philip II. of Spain. When Philip married Queen Mary Tudor
+of England, he gave her "La Pelegrina" as a wedding present. The
+portrait of Queen Mary in the Prado at Madrid, shows her wearing this
+pearl, so does another one at Hampton Court, and a small portrait in
+Winchester Cathedral, where her marriage with Philip took place. After
+Mary's death "La Pelegrina" returned to Spain, and was handed down
+from sovereign to sovereign until Napoleon in 1808 placed his brother
+Joseph on the throne of Spain. It was a somewhat unsteady throne, and
+after many vicissitudes, Joseph fled from Spain in the Spring of 1813.
+Anticipating some such enforced retirement, Joseph, like a prudent
+man, had had some of the smaller and more valuable pictures from the
+Spanish palaces packed in wagons and despatched towards the frontier.
+These pictures fell into the hands of Wellington's troops at the
+Battle of Vittoria, and are hanging at this moment in Apsley House,
+Piccadilly, for Ferdinand VII., on his restoration to the throne,
+presented them to the Duke of Wellington; or rather, to be quite
+accurate, "lent" them to the Duke of Wellington and to his successors.
+Joseph Bonaparte also thoughtfully placed some of the Spanish Crown
+jewels, including "La Pelegrina," in his pockets, and got away safely
+with them. Joseph died, and left the great pearl to his nephew, Prince
+Louis Napoleon, afterwards Napoleon III. When Prince Louis came to
+London in exile, he brought "La Pelegrina" with him. Prince Louis
+Napoleon was a close friend of my father's and had been his "Esquire"
+at the famous Eglinton tournament. The Prince came to see my father
+one day and confided to him that he was in great pecuniary
+difficulties. He asked my father to recommend him an honest jeweller
+who would pay him the price he wanted for "La Pelegrina." He named the
+price, and drew the great pearl out of his pocket. My father, after
+examining the jewel and noticing its flawless shape and lustre,
+silently opened a drawer, drew a cheque, and handed it to Prince Louis
+without a word. That afternoon my father presented my mother with "La
+Pelegrina." To my mother it was an unceasing source of anxiety. The
+pearl had never been bored, and was so heavy that it was constantly
+falling from its setting. Three times she lost it; three times she
+found it again. Once at a ball at Buckingham Palace, on putting her
+hand to her neck, she found that the great pearl had gone. She was
+much distressed, knowing how upset my father would be. On going into
+supper, she saw "La Pelegrina" gleaming at her from the folds of the
+velvet train of the lady immediately in front of her. Again she lost
+it at Windsor Castle, and it was found in the upholstery of a sofa. As
+a child, on the rare occasions when "La Pelegrina" came out of its
+safe, I loved to stroke and smooth its sleek, satin-like sheen. The
+great pearl somehow fascinated me. When it came into my brother's
+possession after my father's death, he had "La Pelegrina" bored,
+though it impaired its value, so my sister-in-law was able to wear the
+great jewel as often as she wished without running the constant danger
+of losing it. I liked that distant glimpse of the Pearl Islands, for
+they were the birthplace of the jewel which had attracted me so
+curiously as a child.
+
+We returned from Panama by a train after dark. As the night-air from
+the swamps has the reputation of being deadly, every window in the car
+was shut. I noticed a dark-skinned citizen of either Peru or Ecuador
+in some difficulties with the conductor, owing to his lack of
+knowledge of English. The Peruvian pulled up a window (_up_ on
+the American Continent, not _down_ as with us) and sat in the
+full draught of the night-air. A pleasant young Irishman named Martin,
+a near relative of the Miss Martin who collaborated with Miss
+Somerville in the inimitable _Experiences of an Irish R.M._ noticed
+this. "By Gad! that fellow will get fever if he sits in the draught
+from the swamps. I'll go and warn him." I told Martin that the South
+American spoke no English. "That's all right," cried Martin. "I speak a
+little Spanish myself." Taking a seat by the Peruvian, Martin tapped
+him on the shoulder to secure his attention, pointed a warning finger
+at the open window, and said slowly but impressively, in a strong Co.
+Galway accent, "Swamp--o, mustn't-sit-in-draught--o; sit-in-draught--o,
+get-chill--o; get-chill--o, catch-fever--o; catch-fever--o, damned-ill
+--o; damned-ill--o, die--o." He repeated this twice, and upon the
+Peruvian turning a blank look of incomprehension at him, returned to
+his place saying, "I don't believe that fellow understands one single
+word of Spanish," so I went myself and warned the Peruvian in Spanish
+of the risk he was running, and he closed the window. I do not know
+whether he suffered for his imprudence, but Martin was down next day
+with a sharp bout of fever.
+
+Martin next announced that the Southern Cross had gone stark, staring
+mad, and had moved round by mistake to the North. We were travelling
+from the Pacific to the Atlantic, therefore presumably going from West
+to East, and there, through the window, sure enough was that
+much-overrated constellation, the Southern Cross, shining away gaily
+in the North. Upon reflexion, it seemed unreasonable to suppose that
+the Southern Cross could have so far forgotten its appointed place in
+the heavens, the points of the compass, and the very obligations its
+name imposed upon it, as to establish itself deliberately in the
+North: there must be some mistake somewhere. So we got a map, and
+discovered, to our amazement, that, though Colon is on the Atlantic
+and Panama on the Pacific, yet Colon is _West_ of Panama, owing
+to the kink in the Isthmus at this point. The railway from the Pacific
+runs _North-west_ to the Atlantic, though at this particular part
+of the line we were travelling due West, so the Southern Cross was
+right after all, and we were wrong.
+
+The track from ocean to ocean seemed to be lined with one continuous
+street of wooden stores, eating-houses, and dance-halls, all erected
+for the benefit of the workers on the canal, and all alike blazing
+with paraffin lamps. It was like one continuous fair, but the kindly
+night masked the endless cemeteries.
+
+We bought in Colon a little book of verse entitled _Panama Patchwork_.
+It was the work of an American, James Stanley Gilbert, who had lived
+for six years on the Isthmus, and had seen most of his friends die
+there. Gilbert's lines have, therefore, a certain excusable tinge of
+morbidity, as, for example:
+
+  "Beyond the Chagres River
+  Are paths that lead to death:
+  To fever's deadly breezes,
+  To malaria's poisonous breath."
+
+I refrain from quoting others which are really too gruesome to
+reproduce, but I like his welcome to the Trade wind, the boisterous
+advent of which announces the end of the very unhealthy wet season,
+and a brief spell of dry weather. It must be remembered that the
+author was unused to the pen:
+
+  "Blow thou brave old Trade wind, blow!
+    Send the mighty billows flashing
+    In the radiant sunlight, dashing
+    O'er the reef, like thunder crashing,
+  Blow thou brave old Trade wind, blow!"
+
+One can almost hear the great seas thundering on the coral reefs in
+reading these lines, and can see in imagination the nodding cocoanut
+palms bending their pliant green heads to the life-giving Trades.
+
+It is curious the different terms used for these continuous winds: we
+call them "Trade winds"; the French, "Vents alizes"; the Germans,
+"Passatwinde"; the Spanish "Vientos generates." All quite different.
+
+As my nephew and I drove out of the dock enclosure at Kingston, we
+were appalled at the scene of desolation that met our eyes. Kingston
+was one heap of ruins; there was not a house intact. Neither of us had
+imagined the possibility of a town being so completely destroyed, for
+this was in 1907, not 1915, and twenty brief seconds had sufficed to
+wreck a prosperous city of 40,000 inhabitants. The streets had been
+partially cleared, but the telephone and the electric-light wires were
+all down, as were the overhead wires for the trolly-cars. We traversed
+three miles of shapeless heaps of bricks and stones. Some trim
+well-kept villas in the suburbs which I remembered well, were either
+shaken down, or gaped on the road through broad fissures in their
+frontages, great piles of debris announcing that the building was
+only, so to speak, standing on sufferance, and would have to be
+entirely reconstructed. On arriving at King's House, we found the main
+building still standing, but so damaged that it might collapse at any
+moment, and therefore uninhabitable. The handsome ballroom, which
+formed a separate wing, was nothing but a pile of rubbish, a formless
+mass of bricks and plaster. The dining-room, making the corresponding
+wing, was built entirely of wood, and had consequently escaped injury.
+This dining-room was a very lofty hall, paved with marble and entirely
+surrounded by arches open to the air. It had previously reminded me of
+the interiors seen in Italian pictures of sacred subjects, with its
+bareness, spacious whiteness, its columns and arches. Here the
+Governor, Lady Swettenham and her sister were living, in little
+encampments formed by screens. Two splendid chandeliers of Spanish
+bronze, originally looted from Havannah in the eighteenth century, had
+been dismantled by the Governor's orders, in view of the possibility
+of further shocks. The verandah outside formed the living-room for
+every one. My nephew and I were very comfortably lodged in a little
+wooden shed, formerly the laundry. I had noticed as we drove through
+the town that the great Edinburgh reservoirs were apparently quite
+uninjured, and here at King's House the fountain was splashing in its
+basin as gaily as ever, the building containing the big swimming-bath
+was undamaged, and the spring which fed the bath still gurgled
+cheerfully into it. Wherever there was water, the shock seemed to have
+been neutralised, for I imagine that the water acted as a cushion to
+deaden the earth-wave. Neither the electric lighting nor the
+telephones were working.
+
+A tropical night is seldom quiet, what with the croaking of frogs, the
+chirping of the cicadas, and some bird, insect, or reptile that
+imitates the winding in of a fishing-reel for hours together, but
+really the noise of the Jamaican nights after the earthquake was quite
+unbearable. Negroes are very hysterical, and some black preachers had
+utilised the earthquake to start a series of revival meetings, and
+these were held just outside the grounds of King's House. Right
+through the night they lasted, with continual hymn-singing, varied
+with loud cries and groans. "Abide with me" is a beautiful hymn, but
+really its beauties began to pall when it had been sung through from
+beginning to end nine times running. Neither my nephew nor I could get
+any sleep that first night owing to the blatant devotional exercises
+of the overwrought negroes.
+
+Both Sir Alexander and Lady Swettenham were really wonderful. He,
+though an old man, only allowed himself five hours' sleep, and spent
+his days at Headquarters House trying to bring the affairs of the
+ruined city into some kind of order, and to start the every-day
+machinery of ordinary civilised life again, for there were no shops,
+no butchers or bakers, no clothing, no groceries--everything had been
+destroyed, and had to be reconstructed. We had noticed the previous
+afternoon a very rough newly erected shanty. It was barely finished,
+but already jets of steam were puffing from its roof, and a large sign
+proclaimed it a steam-bakery. That was the only source of bread-supply
+in Kingston. Is it necessary to specify the nationality of a firm so
+prompt to rise to an emergency, or to add that the names over the door
+were two Scottish ones? Lady Swettenham was equally indefatigable, and
+sat on endless committees: for sheltering the destitute, for helping
+the homeless with food, money and clothing, for providing for the
+widows and orphans.
+
+It was estimated that twelve hundred people lost their lives on that
+fatal afternoon of January 14, 1907, though even this pales before the
+terrific catastrophe of St. Pierre in Martinique, on May 8, 1902, when
+forty thousand people and one of the finest towns in the West Indies
+were blotted out of existence in one minute by a fiery blast from the
+volcano Mont Pele.
+
+Lady Swettenham was driving into Kingston with Lady Dudley at 2.30
+p.m. on the day of the earthquake. Some ten minutes later they felt
+the carriage suddenly rise, and then fall again. The horses stopped,
+and the coachman looked back in vain for the tree he thought he must
+have run over, until, on turning the next corner, they came upon a
+house in ruins. Then Lady Swettenham knew. Both ladies worked all
+night in the hospital, attending to the hundreds of injured. The
+hospital dispensary had been wrecked, and, sad to say, the supply of
+chloroform became exhausted, so amputations had to be performed
+without anaesthetics. Most fortunately there was to have been a great
+ball at King's House that very evening, so Lady Swettenham was able to
+provide the hospital with unlimited soup, jellies, and cold chickens;
+otherwise it would have been impossible to provide the sufferers with
+any food at all.
+
+As we all know, points of view differ. After the trolley-car service
+had been re-established, my nephew and I had occasion to go into
+Kingston daily towards noon. On the front bench of the car there was
+always seated a little white boy, about nine years old, with a pile of
+school-books. He was a well-mannered, friendly little fellow and soon
+entered into conversation. Waxing confidential, he observed to us,
+"Isn't this earthquake awfully jolly? Our school is all 'mashed up' so
+we get out at half-past eleven instead of at one."
+
+"And how about your own house, Charlie? Is that all right?"
+
+"Oh no, it's all 'mashed up' too, so is Daddy's store. We're living on
+the lawn in tents, like Robinson Crusoe. It's most awfully jolly!"
+
+Incidentally I may remark that Charlie's father had been completely
+ruined by the earthquake, his store not being insured, but the small
+boy only saw things from his own point of view.
+
+A certain London West-End church, with which I am connected, has a
+Resident Choir School attached to it. As the choir-boys' dormitory is
+at the top of the building, every time that there was an air-raid
+during the war, they were routed out of bed and sent down to the
+coal-cellar. The boys were told to write an account of one peculiarly
+severe raid as part of their school-work. One small urchin described
+it as follows: "The Vicar woke us up and told us there was an
+air-raid, and that we were to go down into the coal-cellar in our
+pyjamas with our blankets. It was awfully jolly down in the cellar. In
+our blankets we looked like robbers in a cave, or like a lot of Red
+Indians. The Vicar told us stories, and we had buns and cocoa and sang
+songs. It was all so awfully jolly that all the chaps hope that there
+will be plenty more air-raids."
+
+Here again the small boy's point of view differs materially from that
+of the adult.
+
+To go back to Jamaica, an acquaintance had returned early from his
+office, and was having a cup of coffee on his verandah at 2.30.
+Suddenly he saw the trees at the end of his garden rise up some eight
+feet. A quick brain-wave suggested an earthquake to him at once, and
+half-unconsciously he jumped from the verandah for all he was worth.
+As he alighted on the lawn, his house crashed down behind him.
+
+There were some further milder shocks. I was engaged in shaving early
+one morning in our little wooden house, when I felt myself pushed
+violently against the dressing-table, almost removing my chin with the
+razor at the same time. I suspected my nephew of a practical joke, and
+called out angrily to him. In an aggrieved voice he protested that he
+had not touched me, but had himself been hurled by an unseen agency
+against the wardrobe. Then came a perfect cannonade of nuts from an
+overhanging tree on to the wooden roof of our modest temporary abode,
+and still we did not understand. I had at that time an English valet,
+the most stolid man I have ever come across. He entered the hut with a
+pair of brown shoes in one hand, a pair of white ones in the other.
+In the most matter-of-fact way he observed, "There's been an
+earthquake, so perhaps you would like to wear your brown shoes to-day,
+instead of the white ones." By what process of reasoning he judged
+brown shoes more fitted to earthquake conditions than white ones,
+rather escaped me.
+
+Appalling tragedy though the earthquake was, like most tragedies it
+had its occasional lighter side. A certain leading lady of the island
+had been in the habit of wearing short skirts, long before the
+dictates of fashion imposed the present unbecoming skimpy garments.
+She did this on account of the numerous insect pests with which
+Jamaica unfortunately abounds. For the same reason she adopted
+light-coloured stockings, so that any creeping intruder could be
+easily seen and brushed off. Her wardrobe being destroyed in the
+earthquake, she took the train into Spanish Town in an endeavour to
+replenish it. In a large drapery store the black forewoman at once
+recognised the lady, and came forward, all bows and smiles, to greet
+so important a customer.
+
+"Please, what can I hab de pleasure of showing Madam?"
+
+"I want some silk stockings, either pink or flesh-colour, if you have
+any!"
+
+"Very sorry, Madam, we hab no pink silk stockings, but we hab plenty
+of flesh-coloured ones," taking down as she spoke a great bundle of
+_black_ silk stockings. Of course, if one thinks over it for a moment,
+it would be so.
+
+The religious hysteria amongst the negroes showed no signs of abating.
+A black "prophet," a full-blooded negro named Bedward, made his
+appearance, and gained a great following. Bedward, dressed in a
+discarded British naval uniform, and attended by a neurotic bodyguard
+of screaming, hysterical negresses, made continual triumphal parades
+through the streets of Kingston. As far as I could ascertain the most
+important item in his religious crusade was the baptism of his
+converts in the Hope River, at a uniform charge of half-a-crown per
+head.
+
+With regard to baptism, a curious incident occurred long before I was
+born. A sister of mine, the late Duchess of Buccleuch, was so frail
+and delicate at her birth that it was thought that she could not
+possibly survive. She was accordingly baptised privately two days
+after her birth. She rallied, and grew into a big sturdy girl. When
+she was four years old, my father had her received into the Church by
+the Archbishop of Canterbury, at the Chapel Royal, St. James's Palace.
+During the service the Archbishop became inarticulate, and many of
+those present feared that he had sustained a stroke, or had been
+suddenly afflicted with aphasia. What had happened was this: As my
+sister was inclined to be fidgetty and troublesome, my mother had,
+perhaps unwisely, given her a packet of sugar-almonds to keep her
+quiet. The child was actually sucking one of these when she arrived at
+the Chapel Royal, but was, of course, made to remove it. Unseen by any
+one, she managed to place another in her mouth. When the Archbishop
+took her in his arms, the child, seeing his mouth so close to hers,
+with the kindest intentions in the world, took the sugar-almond from
+her own mouth and popped it into the Archbishop's. Never had a Primate
+been in a more embarrassing situation! Having both his arms occupied
+in holding the child, he could not remove the offending almond with
+his fingers. It would be quite superfluous on my part to point out how
+highly indecorous it would be for an Archbishop to--shall we say to
+expel anything from his mouth--in church; and even after the sugar had
+been dissolved, an almond must be crunched before it can be disposed
+of, another wholly inadmissible contingency. So the poor Archbishop
+had perforce to remain inarticulate; let us only hope that you and I
+may never find ourselves in so difficult a situation.
+
+Many people in Jamaica were in 1907 in quite as difficult a situation.
+I found the wife of the Chief Justice, an old acquaintance of mine in
+the Far East, living in the emptied swimming-bath of what had been her
+home. The officers of the West India Regiment at Up Park Camp were all
+under canvas on the cricket-ground. The officers' quarters at Up Park
+Barracks were exceedingly well designed for the climate, being raised
+on arcades. They were shattered, but the wooden shingle roofs had
+fallen intact and unbroken, and lay on the ground in pieces about 100
+feet long, a most curious spectacle. Students of _Tom Cringle_ will
+remember the gruesome description of his dinner at the Mess at Up
+Park Camp, during an epidemic of yellow fever, when one officer after
+another got up and left the room, pinching the regimental doctor on
+the shoulder as he did so, as an intimation that he, too, had been
+claimed by the yellow death. The military authorities acted unwisely
+in selecting Up Park as a site for barracks. It certainly stands high,
+but is shut off from the sea breeze by the hill known as Long
+Mountain, and has, in addition, a dangerous swamp to windward of it,
+two drawbacks which might have been foreseen.
+
+I noticed that brick houses suffered more than stone ones. This was
+attributed to the inferior mortar used by Jamaican masons, for which
+there can be no excuse, for the island abounds in lime. Wooden houses
+escaped scatheless. Every statue in the Public Gardens was thrown
+down, except that of Queen Victoria. The superstitious negroes were
+much impressed by this fact, though the earthquake had, curiously
+enough, twisted the statue entirely round. Instead of facing the sea,
+as she formerly did, the Queen now turned her back on it, otherwise
+the statue was uninjured. The clock on the shattered Parish Church
+recorded the fatal hour when it had stopped in the general ruin: 2.42
+p.m. As far as I could learn, the earthquake had not taken the form of
+a trembling motion, but the solid ground had twice risen and fallen
+eight feet, a sort of land-wave, which apparently was confined to the
+light sandy Liguanea plain, for where the mountains began no shock had
+been felt. The fine old church of St. Andrew had been originally built
+in 1635, but had been demolished by the earthquake of 1692 and rebuilt
+in 1700, as the inscription at the west end testified. Here the words
+"Anna Regina," surrounded by a mass of florid carving, showed that
+Jamaica is no land of yesterday. The earthquake of 1907 shook down the
+tower, but did not injure the collection of very fine seventeenth- and
+eighteenth-century monuments the church contains. The inscription on
+one of these, opposite the Governor's pew, pleased me by its
+originality. After a detailed list of the many admirable qualities of
+the lady it commemorates, it goes on to say that "in the yeare 1685
+she passed through the spotted veil of the smallpox to her God."
+
+We accompanied the Governor to Port Royal to take stock of the damage
+there. Previous to 1692, Port Royal was reputed the richest and the
+wickedest spot on earth, for it was the headquarters of the
+Buccaneers; here they divided their ill-gotten gains, and here they
+strutted about bedizened in their tawdry finery, drinking and
+gambling. I should be inclined to distrust the local legend that in
+the many taverns the wine was all served in jewelled golden cups, for,
+given the character of the customers, one would imagine that the gold
+cups would be apt to leave the taverns with the customers. Then came
+the earthquake of 1692, and half of Port Royal was swallowed by the
+sea. A pillar has been erected at Green Bay, opposite to a Huguenot
+refugee, one Lewis Galdy, who had a wonderful escape. According to the
+inscription on it, "Mr. Lewis Galdy was swallowed by the earthquake,
+and, by the providence of God, thrown by another shock into the sea,
+and lived many years afterwards in great reputation."
+
+Port Royal cannot be called a fortunate spot, for in 1703 it was again
+entirely destroyed by fire, and in 1722 it was swept away by a
+hurricane.
+
+It is, in spite of its historic past, a mean, squalid, decaying little
+place. Being built almost entirely of wood, the town had sustained but
+little injury, but the massive concrete fort at the end of the
+peninsula had slid bodily into the sea, six-inch guns and all. Some
+twenty cocoa-nut palms it had taken with it were standing in the
+water, their brown withered tops just peering above the surface,
+giving a curious effect of desolation. A tramway used for conveying
+ammunition bore witness to the violence of the earth-waves, for it
+stood in places some ten feet up in the air, resting on nothing at
+all; looking for all the world like a switchback railway at Earl's
+Court. So many charges are levelled at the Royal Engineers that it is
+pleasant to be able to testify that every building erected by this
+much-abused corps at Port Royal had resisted the earthquake and was
+standing intact. Port Royal, notwithstanding its situation at the end
+of a peninsula, had in old days a terrible reputation for
+unhealthiness, only surpassed by that of Fort Augusta across the bay,
+the latter a veritable charnel-house. The neighbourhood of the
+poisonous swamps of the Rio Cobre was in both cases responsible for
+the loss of tens of thousands of British soldiers' lives in these two
+ill-fated spots. They were both hot-beds of yellow fever.
+
+My nephew and I, being able to do no good there, were anxious to
+escape from ruined Kingston, and made arrangements to stay as paying
+guests with one or two planters, in order to see something of their
+daily life. After a second drive through the exquisitely beautiful Bog
+Walk and over Monte Diavolo, we found ourselves on the sugar estate of
+a widow, a lady of pure white blood. There were abundant indications
+of the former prosperity of the place, and even more apparent signs
+that at present the wolf was very close to the door. The verandah was
+paved with marble, there was some fine mahogany carving in the central
+hall, the dessert-service was of George II. silver-gilt, and the china
+beautiful old Spode. Everything else about the place told its own
+story of desperate financial conditions. Our hostess declared that it
+was impossible for a woman to manage a sugar estate, as she could not
+always be about amongst the canes and in the boiler-house, and her
+sons were not yet old enough to help her. No one who has not
+experienced it can picture the heat of a Jamaican sugar-factory; I
+should imagine the temperature to be about 120 degrees. Most people, I
+think, take a rather childish pleasure in watching the first stages of
+the manufacture of familiar products. I confess to feeling interested
+on
+being told that the stream of muddy liquid issuing from the crushed
+canes and trickling gaily down its wooden gutters, would ultimately
+figure as the lump-sugar of our breakfast-tables. There is also a
+peculiarly fascinating apparatus known as a vacuum-pan, peeping into
+which, through a little tale window, a species of brown porridge
+transforms itself into crystallised sugar of the sort known to
+housekeepers as "Demerara" under your very eyes; and another equally
+attractive, rapidly revolving machine in which the molasses, by
+centrifugal force, detaches itself from the sugar, and runs of its own
+accord down its appointed channels to the rum distillery, where
+Alice's Dormouse would have had the gratification of seeing a real
+treacle-well. In this latter place, where the smell of the fermenting
+molasses is awful, only East Indian coolies can be employed, a West
+Indian negro being unable to withstand its alcoholic temptations.
+
+After seeing all the lions of the island, we drifted as paying guests
+to a school for little white boys on the north coast.
+
+The surroundings of this school were ideally beautiful. It stood on a
+promontory jutting into the sea, with a coral reef in front of it, but
+shut in as it was by the hills, the heat of the place was unbearable,
+and the little white boys all looked pathetically pale and "peaky."
+
+My nephew pointed out to me that a little cove near the school must be
+the identical place we had both read of hundreds of times, and he
+justly remarked what an ideal spot it would be in which to be
+shipwrecked. All the traditional accessories were there. The coral
+reef with the breakers thundering on it; the placid lagoon inshore; a
+little cove whose dazzling white coral beach was fringed with
+cocoa-nut palms down to the very water's edge; a crystal-clear spring
+trickling down the cliff and tumbling into a rocky basin; the hill
+behind clothed with a dense jungle of bread-fruit trees and wild
+plantains, whose sea of greenery was starred with the golden balls of
+innumerable orange trees; the whole place must really have been lifted
+bodily out of some boy's book, and put here to prove that writers of
+fiction occasionally tell the truth, for it seemed perfectly familiar
+to both of us. Certainly, the oranges were of the bitter Seville
+variety and were uneatable, and wild plantains are but an indifferent
+article of diet; still, they satisfied the eye, and fulfilled their
+purpose as indispensable accessories to the castaway's new home. It
+would be impossible to conceive of more orthodox surroundings in which
+to be shipwrecked, for our vessel would be, of course, piled up on the
+reef within convenient distance, and we would presuppose a current
+setting into the cove. We should also have to assume that the ship was
+loaded with a general cargo, including such unlikely items as
+tool-chests and cases of vegetable seeds, all of which would be washed
+ashore undamaged precisely when wanted. It is quite obvious that a
+cargo of, say, type-writers, or railway metals, would prove of
+doubtful utility to any castaways, nor would there be much probability
+of either of these articles floating ashore. My nephew, a slave to
+tradition, wished at once to construct a hut of palm branches close to
+the clear spring, as is always done in the books; he was also
+positively yearning to light a fire in the manner customary amongst
+orthodox castaways, by using my spectacles as a burning-glass. With
+regard to the necessary commissariat arrangements, he pointed out that
+there were abundant Avocado pear trees in the vicinity, which would
+furnish "Midshipman's butter," whilst the bread-fruit tree would
+satisfactorily replace the baker, and the Aki fruit form an excellent
+substitute for eggs. He enlarged on the innumerable other vegetable
+conveniences of the island, and declared that it was almost flying in
+the face of Providence for a sea-captain to neglect to lose his ship
+in so ideal a spot.
+
+Whilst watching the little boys playing football in a temperature of
+90 degrees, we noticed an unusual adjunct to a football field. A great
+pile of unripe, green cocoa-nuts (called "water-cocoa-nuts" in Jamaica)
+lay in one corner, with a negro boy standing guard over them. Up would
+trot a dripping little white urchin, and pant out, "Please open me a
+nut, Arthur," and with one stroke of his machete the young negro would
+decapitate a nut, which the little fellow would drain thirstily and
+then rush back to his game. The schoolmaster told me that he always
+gave his boys cocoa-nut water at their dinner, as it never causes a
+chill, and as there were thousands of trees growing round the school,
+it was an inexpensive luxury. One of the duties of Arthur, the negro
+boy, was to supply the school with nuts, and I saw him going up the
+trees like a monkey, with the aid of a sling of rope round his leg.
+
+I and my nephew went out fishing on the reef at dawn, before the
+breeze sprang up. The water was like glass, and we could see the
+bottom quite clearly at nine fathoms. It was like fishing in an
+aquarium. The most impossible marine monsters! Turquoise-blue fish;
+grey and pink fish; some green and scarlet, others as yellow as
+canaries. We could follow our lines right down to the bottom, and see
+the fish hook themselves amongst the jagged coral, till the
+bottom-boards of the boat looked like a rainbow with our victims. As
+the breeze sprang up, the surf started at once, and fishing became
+impossible. We had been warned that many of the reef fish were
+uneatable, and that the yellow ones were actively poisonous. We were
+quite proud of our Joseph's-coat-like catch, but our henchman, the
+negro lad Arthur, assured us that every fish we had caught was
+poisonous. We had reason later to doubt this assertion, as we saw him
+walking home with a splendid parti-coloured string of fish, probably
+chuckling over the white man's credulity.
+
+The natural surroundings of that school were lovely, but the little
+white boys, who had lived all their lives in Jamaica, most likely took
+it all for granted, and thought it quite natural to have their
+bathing-place surrounded by cocoa-nut palms, their playground fringed
+with hibiscus and scarlet poinsettias, and the garden a riot of
+mangoes, bread-fruits, nutmeg and cinnamon trees.
+
+No doubt they thought their school and its grounds dull and
+hideous. On a subsequent voyage home from Jamaica, there was on board
+a very small boy from this identical school, on his way to a school in
+Scotland. He seemed about eight; a little, sturdy figure in white
+cotton shorts. He was really much older, and it was curious to hear a
+deep bass voice (with a strong Scottish accent) issuing from so small
+a frame. He was a very independent little Scot, wanting no help, and
+quite able to take care of himself. We arrived at Bristol in bitterly
+cold weather, and the boy, who had been five years in Jamaica, had
+only his tropical clothing. We left him on the platform of Bristol
+station, a forlorn little figure, shivering in his inadequate white
+cotton shorts, and blue with the unaccustomed cold, to commence his
+battle with the world alone, but still declining any assistance in
+reaching his destination. That boy had a brief, but most distinguished
+career. He passed second out of Sandhurst, sweeping the board of
+prizes, including the King's Prize, Lord Roberts' Prize, the Sword of
+Honour, and the riding and shooting prizes. He chose the Indian Army,
+and the 9th Goorkhas as his regiment, a choice he had made, as he told
+me afterwards, since his earliest boyhood, when Rudyard Kipling's
+books had first opened his eyes to a new world. That lad proved to
+have the most extraordinary natural gift for Oriental languages.
+Within two years of his first arrival in India he had passed in higher
+Urdu, in higher Hindi, in Punjabi, and in Pushtoo. Norman Kemp had; in
+addition, some curious intuitive faculty for understanding the
+Oriental mind, and was a born leader of men. He was a wonderful
+all-round sportsman, and promised to be one of the finest
+soldier-jockeys India has ever turned out, for here his light weight
+and very diminutive size were assets. He came to France with the first
+Indian contingent, went through eighteen months' heavy fighting there,
+and then took part in the relief of Kut, where he won the M.C. for
+conspicuous valour on the field, and afterwards gained the D.S.O. I
+have heard him conversing in five different languages with the wounded
+Indian soldiers in the Pavilion Hospital at Brighton (with the
+Scottish accent underlying them all), and noted the thorough
+understanding there was between him and the men. Young as he was, he
+had managed to get inside the Oriental mind. He was killed in a paltry
+frontier affray, six months after the Armistice. I am convinced that
+Norman Kemp would have made a great name for himself had he lived. He
+had the peculiar faculty of gaining the confidence of the Oriental,
+and I think that he would have eventually drifted from the Military to
+the Political or Administrative side in India. He was a splendid
+little fellow.
+
+Nearly twenty-five years earlier, I had known another very similar
+type of young man. He was a subaltern in the Norfolk Regiment, and a
+great school-friend of a nephew of mine. Chafing at the monotony of
+regimental life, he got seconded, and went out to the Nigerian
+Frontier Field Force. Here that young fellow of twenty-two, who had
+hitherto confined his energies to playing football and boxing, proved
+himself not only a natural leader of men, but a born administrator as
+well. He quickly gained the confidence of his Haussa troops, and then
+set to work to improve the sanitary conditions of Jebba, where he was
+stationed. He equipped the town with a good water-supply, as well as
+with a system of drainage, and planted large vegetable gardens, so
+that the European residents need no longer be entirely dependent on
+tinned foods. It was Ronald Buxton, too, who first had the idea of
+building houses on tripods of railway metals, to raise them above the
+deadly ground-mists. Thanks to him, the place became reasonably
+healthy, and his powers of organisation being quickly recognised, he
+was transferred from the Military to the Administrative side. His
+whole heart was in his work. Like young Kemp, Buxton always stayed in
+my house when on leave. Though the most tempting invitations to shoot
+and to hunt rained in on him whilst in England, he was always fretting
+and chafing to be back at work in his pestilential West African swamp,
+where he lived on a perpetual diet of bully beef and yams in a leaky
+native grass-built hut. Like young Kemp, he was absolutely indifferent
+to the ordinary comforts of life, and appeared really to enjoy
+hardships, and they were both quite insensible to the attractions of
+money. He was killed in the South African War, or would, I am sure,
+have had a most distinguished Colonial career. These two young men
+seemed created to be pioneers in rough lands. As far as my own
+experience goes, it is only these Islands that produce young men of
+the precise stamp of Norman Kemp and Ronald Buxton.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+Appalling ignorance of geography amongst English people--Novel
+pedagogic methods--"Happy Families"--An instructive game--Bermuda--A
+waterless island--A most inviting archipelago--Bermuda the most
+northern coral-atoll--The reefs and their polychrome fish--A
+"water-glass"--Sea-gardens--An ideal sailing place-How the Guardsman
+won his race--A miniature Parliament--Unfounded aspersions on the
+Bermudians--Red and blue birds--Two pardonable mistakes--Soldier
+gardeners--Officers' wives--The little roaming home-makers--A pleasant
+island--The inquisitive German Naval Officers--"The Song of the
+Bermudians."
+
+
+The crass ignorance of the average Englishman about geography is
+really appalling. He neither knows, nor wants to know, anything about
+it, and oddly enough seems to think that there is something rather
+clever about his dense ignorance. This ignorance extends to our
+statesmen, as we know by the painful experience of some of our
+treaties, which can only have been drawn up by men grossly ignorant of
+the parts of the world about which they were supposed to be
+negotiating. I quite admit that geography is almost ignored in our
+schools, and yet no branch of knowledge can be made so attractive to
+the young, and, taught in conjunction with history, as it should be,
+none is of higher educational value. At the request of two clerical
+friends, I gave some geography lessons last year to the little boys in
+their schools. My methods were admittedly illegitimate. In the course
+of the last fifteen years I have sent hundreds of coloured
+picture-postcards of places all over the world, in Asia, Africa,
+Europe and America, to a small great-nephew of mine, now of an age
+when such things no longer appeal to him. Armed with my big bundle of
+postcards, and with another parcel as well, I tackled my small pupils.
+I never spoke of them of a place without showing them a set of views
+of it, for I have a theory that the young remember more by the eye
+than by the ear. In this way a place-name conveyed to them a definite
+idea, for they had seen half-a-dozen somewhat garishly coloured
+presentments of it. The young love colour. Then my second method came
+into play. "Evans, what did I tell you last time grew in Jamaica?"
+"Sugar and coffee, sir," "Next boy, what else?" "Pepper, salt and
+mustard, sir." "Young idiot! Next boy." "Cocoa, sir, and ginger."
+"Very good, Oxley. Bring me that long parcel there. There is enough
+preserved ginger for two pieces for each boy; Ellis, who gave a silly
+answer, gets none." "Baker, what fruit did I tell you grew in the West
+Indies?" "Pineapples, sir." "Very good, Baker. Bring me those two tins
+of pineapple and the tin-opener. Plenty for you all." My lessons were
+quite enormously popular with my pupils, though the matron complained
+that the boys seemed liable to bilious attacks after them.
+
+In the days of my childhood, some ingenious person had devised a game
+known as "Educational Quartettes." These "quartettes" were merely
+another form of the game of "Happy Families," which seems to make so
+persistent an appeal to the young. Every one must be familiar with it.
+The underlying principle is that any possessor of one card of any
+family may ask another player for any missing card of the suit; in
+this way the whereabouts of the cards can be gradually ascertained,
+and "Mr. Bones the Butcher" finds himself eventually reunited,
+doubtless to his great joy, to his worthy, if unprepossessing spouse,
+Mrs. Bones, and to his curiously hideous offspring, Miss Bones and
+Master Bones. The same holds good with regard to the other families,
+those of Mr. Bun the Baker, Mr. Pots the Painter, and their friends,
+and we can only hope that these families make up in moral worth for
+their painful lack of physical attractions. "Educational Quartettes"
+were played in exactly the same way. At the age of six, I played them
+every night with my sisters and brother, and the set we habitually
+used was "English Ecclesiastical Architecture." In lieu of Mr. Bung
+the Brewer, we had "Norman Style, 1066-1145." Mrs. Bung was replaced
+by "Massive Columns," Miss Bung by "Round Arches," Master Bung by
+"Dog-tooth Mouldings," each one with its picture. The next Quartette
+was "Early English, 1189-1307." No. 2 being "Clustered Columns," No. 3
+"Pointed Arches," No. 4 "Lancet Windows," each one again with its
+picture, and so on through the later styles. We had none of us the
+least idea that we were being educated; we thought that we were merely
+playing a game, but the information got insensibly absorbed through
+ear and eye, and remained there.
+
+Never shall I forget the astonishment of a clergyman who was showing
+his church to my youngest brother and myself, he then being aged nine,
+and I eleven. The Vicar observed that, had we been older, we would
+have found his church very interesting architecturally, when my
+nine-year-old brother remarked quite casually, "Where we are, it is
+decorated 1307-1377, but by the organ it's Early English, 1189-1307."
+The clergyman, no doubt, thought him a precocious little prig, but
+from perpetually playing Architectural Quartettes, this little piece
+of information came instinctively from him, for he had absorbed it
+unconsciously.
+
+Another set we habitually played was entitled "Famous Travellers," and
+even after the lapse of fifty-six years, many of the names still stick
+in my memory. For instance under "North Africa" came 2, Jules Gerard;
+3, Earth; 4, Denham and Clapperton. Jules Gerard's name was familiar
+to me, for was he not, like the illustrious Tartarin de Tarascon, a
+_tueur de lions_? It was, indeed, Jules Gerard's example which
+first fired the imagination of the immortal Tarasconnais, though
+personally I confess to a slight feeling of disappointment at learning
+from Gerard's biographer that, in spite of his grandiloquent title,
+his total bag of lions in eleven years was only twenty-five. As to the
+German, Heinrich Earth, my knowledge of him is of the slightest, and I
+plead guilty to complete ignorance about Denham and Clapperton's
+exploits, though their names seem more suggestive of a firm of
+respectable family solicitors or of a small railway station on a
+branch line, than of two distinguished travellers. The main point is
+that after an interval of more than half a century, these names should
+have stuck in my memory, thus testifying to the educational value of
+the game. I wish that some educationalist, taking advantage of the
+proved liking of children for this form of game, would revive these
+Quartettes, for there is an immense advantage in a child learning
+unconsciously. I think that geography could be easily taught in this
+way; for instance: 1. France (capital Paris). 2. Lyons and Marseilles.
+3. Bordeaux and Rouen. 4. Lille and Strasbourg. Coloured maps or views
+of the various cities would be indispensable, for I still maintain
+that a child remembers through its eyes. In my youth I was given a
+most excellent little manual of geography entitled _Near Home_,
+embellished with many crude woodcuts. The book had admittedly an
+extremely string religious bias, but it was written in a way
+calculated to interest the young, and thanks to the woodcuts most of
+its information got permanently absorbed. Perhaps some one with
+greater experience in such matters than I can pretend to, may devise a
+more effectual scheme for combating the crass ignorance of most
+English people about geography.
+
+Should one ask the average Englishman where Bermuda is, he would be
+certain to reply, "Somewhere in the West Indies," which is exactly
+where it is not.
+
+This fascinating archipelago of coral islands forms an isolated little
+group in the North Atlantic, six hundred miles from the United States,
+three thousand miles from Europe, and twelve hundred miles north of
+the West Indies. Bermuda is the second oldest British Colonial
+possession, ranking only after Newfoundland, which was discovered by
+John Cabot in 1497, and occupied in the name of Queen Elizabeth in
+1583. Sir George Somers being wrecked on Bermuda in 1609, at once
+retaliated by annexing the group, though, as there is not one drop of
+water on any of the islands, there were naturally no aboriginal
+inhabitants to dispute his claim.
+
+Bermuda is to me a perpetual economic puzzle, for it seems to defy
+triumphantly all the rules which govern other places. Here is a group
+of islands whose total superficies is only 12,500 acres, of which
+little more than one-tenth is capable of cultivation. There is no
+fresh water whatever, the inhabitants being entirely dependent on the
+rainfall for their supply; and yet some 22,000 people, white and
+coloured, live there in great prosperity, and there is no poverty
+whatever. I almost hesitate before adding that there are no taxes in
+Bermuda beyond a 10 per cent. _ad valorem_ duty on everything imported
+into the islands except foodstuffs; for the housing accommodation is
+already rather overstrained, and should this fact become generally
+known, I apprehend that there would be such an influx into Bermuda from
+the United Kingdom of persons desirous of escaping from our present
+crushing burden of taxation, that the many caves of the archipelago
+would all have to be fitted up as lodging-houses. The real explanation
+of the prosperity of the islands is probably to be found in the
+wonderful fertility of the soil, which produces three crops a year, and
+in the immense tourist traffic during the winter months.
+
+The islands were originally settled in rather a curious way. Certain
+families, my own amongst them, took shares in the "Bermuda Company,"
+and each undertook to plant a little "tribe" there. These "tribes"
+seem to have come principally from Norfolk and Lincolnshire, as is
+shown by the names of the principal island families. The Triminghams,
+the Tuckers, the Inghams, the Pennistones, and the Outerbridges have
+all been there since the early sixteen hundreds. Probably nowhere in
+the world is the colour-line drawn more rigidly than in Bermuda; white
+and coloured never meet socially, and there are separate schools for
+white and black children. This is, of course, due to the instinct of
+self-preservation; in so small a community it would have been
+impossible otherwise for the white settlers to keep their blood pure
+for three hundred years. The names of the different parishes show the
+families who originally took shares in the Bermuda Company; Pembroke,
+Devonshire, Hamilton, Warwick, Paget, and Somerset amongst others.
+
+They are the most delightful islands imaginable. The vegetation is
+sub-tropical rather than tropical, and all the islands are clothed
+with a dense growth of Bermudian cedar (really a juniper), and of
+oleander. I have never seen a sea of deeper sapphire-blue, and this is
+reflected not from above, but from below, and is due to the bed of
+white coral sand beneath the water. On the dullest day the water keeps
+its deep-blue tint. When the oleanders are in bloom, the milk-white
+houses, peeping out from this sheet of rose-pink, with the deep indigo
+of the sea, and the sombre green of the cedars, make one of the most
+enchanting pictures that it is possible to imagine.
+
+Bermuda has distinctly an island climate, which is perhaps fortunate,
+as the inhabitants are entirely dependent on rain-water. With a north
+wind there is brilliant sunshine tempered by occasional terrific
+downpours. With a south wind there is a perpetual warm drizzle varied
+with heavy showers. With a west wind the weather is apt to be
+uncertain, but I was assured that an east wind brought settled, fine
+weather. I never recollect an east wind in Bermuda, but my climatic
+reminiscences only extend to the winter months.
+
+Bermuda is the most northern coral-atoll existing, and is the only
+place where I have actually seen the coral insect at work on the
+reefs. He is not an insect at all, but a sort of black slug. These
+curious creatures have all an inherited tendency to suicide, for when
+the coral-worm gets above the tide-level he dies. Still they work
+bravely away, obsessed with the idea of raising their own particular
+reef well out of the water at the cost of their own lives. The coral
+of a reef is an ugly brown substance which has been inelegantly
+compared to a decayed tooth. Not until the coral is pulverised does it
+take on its milk-white colour. I am told by learned people that
+Bermuda, like most coral islands, is of Aolian formation; that is,
+that the powdered coral has been gradually deposited by the winds of
+countless centuries until it has risen high out of the water. Farther
+south in the tropics, we know what happens. Nature has given the
+cocoa-nut the power of preserving its vitality almost indefinitely.
+The fallen nuts float on the sea and drift hither and thither. Once
+washed up on a beach and dried by the sun, the nut thrusts out little
+green suckers from those "eyes" which every one must have noticed on
+cocoa-nuts, anchors itself firmly into the soil, and in seven years
+will be bearing fruit. The fallen fronds decay and make soil, and so
+another island becomes gradually clothed with vegetation. In Bermuda
+the cedar replaces the cocoa-nut palm.
+
+Fishing on the reefs in Bermuda is the best fun imaginable for persons
+not liable to sea-sickness. The fisherman has in his left hand a
+"water-glass," which is merely a stout box with the bottom filled in
+with plate-glass. The water-glass must be held below the ripple of the
+surface, which, by the way, requires a fair amount of muscular effort,
+when through the pane of glass, the sea-floor ten fathoms below is
+clearly visible. The coloured fish of Jamaica were neutral-tinted
+pigmies compared to the polychrome monsters on a Bermudian reef, and
+one could actually see them swallowing one's bait. One of the
+loveliest fishes that swims is the Bermudian angel-fish, who has the
+further merit of almost equalling a sole when fried. Shaped like a
+John Dory, he has a lemon-coloured body with a back of brilliant
+turquoise-blue, which gleams in the water like vivid blue enamel. He
+is further decorated with two long orange streamers. The angel-fish,
+having a very small mouth, must be fished for with a special hook.
+Then there is the queen-turbot, shaded from dark blue to palest
+turquoise, reminding one of Lord's Cricket Ground at an Eton and
+Harrow match; besides pink fish, scarlet fish, and orange fish, which
+when captured make the bottom-boards of the boat look like a Futurist
+landscape, not to speak of horrible, spotted, eel-like creatures whose
+bite is venomous. Reef-fishing is full of exciting incidents, but its
+chief attraction is the amazing beauty of the sea-gardens as seen
+through the water-glass, with sponges and sea-fans of every hue,
+gently waving in the current far below, as fish of all the colours of
+the rainbow play in and out of them in the clear blue water.
+
+At Bermuda I found my old friend, the Guardsman, established at
+Government House as A.D.C. The island is one of the most ideal places
+in the world for boat-sailing, and the Guardsman had taken up yacht
+racing with his usual enthusiasm; atoning for his lack of experience
+by a persistent readiness to take the most hideous risks. The C.O. of
+the British battalion then stationed in Bermuda was rather hard put to
+it to find sufficient employment for his men, owing to the restricted
+area of the island. He encouraged, therefore, their engagements in
+civilian capacities, as it not only put money into the men's pockets,
+but kept them interested. At Government House we had
+soldier-gardeners, soldier-grooms, a soldier cowman, and a
+soldier-footman. The footman was a Southampton lad, and having been
+employed as a boy in a racing-yacht on the Solent, was a most useful
+man in a boat, and the Guardsman had accordingly annexed him as one of
+his racing crew, regardless of the fact that his labours afloat rather
+interfered with the specific domestic duties ashore for which he had
+been engaged by the Governor. A hundred-year-old yacht had for many
+years been handed over from Governor to Governor. The _Lady of the
+Isles_ was Bermudian-rigged and Bermudian-built of cedar-wood. She
+had great beam, and was very lightly sparred, having a correspondingly
+small sail-area, but in spite of her great age she was still
+absolutely sound and was a splendid sea-boat. The Bermudian rig had
+been evolved to meet local conditions. Imagine a cutter with one
+single long spar in the place of a mast and topmast; this spar is
+stepped rather farther aft than it would be in an ordinary cutter, and
+there is one huge mainsail, "leg-of-mutton" shaped, with a boom but no
+gaff, and a very large jib. Owing to their big head-sails, and to
+their heavy keels, these Bermudian craft fore-reach like a steamer,
+and hardly ever miss stays. For the same reason they are very wet, as
+they bury themselves in the water. A handsome silver cup had been
+presented by a visitor for a yacht race right round the Bermudas, and
+the Guardsman managed to persuade the Governor to enter his
+centenarian yacht for this race, and to confide the sailing of her to
+himself. The ancient _Lady of the Isles_ got a very liberal time
+allowance on account of her age and her small spread of canvas, but to
+every one but the Guardsman it seemed like entering a Clydesdale for
+the Derby. He had already formulated his plan, but kept it strictly to
+himself; for its success half a gale of wind was necessary. I agreed
+to sail with him, and as the start was to be at 6 a.m. I got up three
+mornings running at 4 a.m., and found myself with Joss, the Guardsman,
+and the soldier-footman on the water-front at half-past five in the
+morning, only to discover that there was not the faintest breath of
+air, and that Hamilton Harbour lay one unruffled sheet of lapis-lazuli
+in a flat calm; a state of things I should imagine unparallelled in "the
+still vexed Bermoothes." (How on earth did Shakespeare ever come to
+hear of Bermuda?) Three days running the race was declared "off," so
+when the Guardsman awoke me on the fourth morning with the news that
+it was blowing a full gale, I flatly declined to move, and turned over
+and went to sleep again, thereby saving my nerves a considerable
+trial.
+
+Government House has a signal-station of its own, and at ten o'clock a
+message arrived announcing that the _Lady of the Isles_ was
+leading by four miles. The Governor, who had never taken his old
+yacht's entry seriously, grew tremendously excited, ordered a light
+trap and two fast ponies round, and he and I, equipped with telescopes
+and sandwiches, spent the rest of the day tearing from one end of the
+island to the other, now on the south shore, now on the north shore,
+lying on our stomachs with telescopes to our eyes. It was quite true
+that the old centenarian had a tremendous lead, which was gradually
+decreased as the day went on. Still, the Guardsman, with face and
+hands the colour of a copper kettle, appeared triumphantly at dinner
+with a large silver cup which he presented with a bow to Lady
+Wodehouse, the Governor's wife, whilst the soldier-footman, burnt
+redder than the Reddest of Indians above his white shirt and tie,
+grinned sympathetically as he busied himself over his duties with the
+cauliflowers and potatoes. What had happened was this: the race was
+right round the islands, without any mark-boats to round. There was a
+very heavy sea running, and great breakers were washing over the
+reefs. The other yachts all headed for the "gate," or opening in the
+reefs, but the Guardsman, a keen hunting man, knowing that alone of
+the competitors the old _Lady of the Isles_ had no "fin-keel,"
+had determined to try and _jump the reef_. In spite of the
+frantic protests of the black pilot, he headed straight for the reef,
+and, watching his opportunity, put her fairly at it as a big sea swept
+along, and got over without a scrape, thus gaining six miles. It was a
+horribly risky proceeding, for had they bumped, the old yacht would
+have gone to pieces, and the big sharks lie hungrily off the reefs.
+The one chance for the broad-beamed old boat, with her small
+sail-area, was a gale of wind, for here her wonderful qualities as a
+sea-boat came in. I often sailed in races with the Guardsman in a
+smaller modern boat, much to the detriment of my nervous system, for
+he was incorrigible about taking risks, in which he was abetted by the
+soldier-footman, a sporting youth who, being always given a pecuniary
+interest in the races, was quite willing to take chances. The
+Guardsman, as a hunting man, never seemed to realise that a yacht had
+not the same jumping powers as a horse, and that a reef was a somewhat
+formidable barrier to tackle.
+
+Owing to Bermudian boats being so "wet," one always landed soaked to
+the skin, and in any town but Hamilton, people would have stared at
+seeing three drowned rats in white garments, clinging like tights,
+making their dripping way home through the streets; but there it is
+such an everyday occurrence that no one even turned their heads; and,
+as the soldier-footman was fond of observing, "It's comfortable
+feeling as 'ow you're so wet that you can't get no wetter no'ow."
+
+Bermuda has its own little Parliament of thirty-six members, the
+oldest Parliament in the New World. It really is an ideal Chamber, for
+every one of the thirty-six members sit on the Government side; there
+is no Opposition. The electors do not seem to favour youthful
+representatives, for the heads of the legislators were all white or
+grey, and there seemed in the atmosphere a wholesome mistrust of
+innovations. There was great popular excitement over a Bill for
+permitting the use of motor-cars in the islands, a Bill to which
+public opinion was dead opposed. There was some reason in this
+opposition. The roads in Bermuda are excellent, but they are all made
+of coral, which becomes very slippery when wet. The roads twist a
+great deal, and the island is hilly, and the farmers complained that
+they could never get their great wagons of vegetables (locally called
+"garden-truck") down to the harbour in safety should motor-cars be
+permitted. I well remember one white-headed old gentleman thundering
+out: "Our fathers got on without all these new-fangled notions, and
+what was good enough for my father is good enough for me, Mr.
+Speaker," a sentiment which provoked loud outbursts of applause.
+Another patriarch observed: "As it was in the beginning, is now, and
+ever shall be, is our motto in Bermuda, Mr. Speaker," a confession of
+faith which was received by the House with rapturous enthusiasm; so,
+by thirty-three votes to three, all motors were declared illegal in
+the islands.
+
+I do not apprehend that there will ever be a shortage of building
+materials in Bermuda, for this is how a house is built. The whole
+formation being of coral, the stones are quarried on the actual site
+of the house, the hole thus created being cemented and used as a
+cistern for the rain-water from the roof. The accommodating coral is
+as soft as cheese when first cut, but hardens after some months'
+exposure to the air. The soft stones are shaped as wanted, together
+with thin slabs of coral for the roof, and are then all left to
+harden. When finished, the entire house, including the roof, is
+whitewashed, the convenient coral also furnishing the whitening
+material.
+
+These white roofs give quite an individual character to a Bermudian
+landscape, their object, of course, being to keep the rain-water
+supply pure. The men and women who live in these houses are really
+delightful people, and are all perfectly natural and unaffected. They
+are all, as one might suppose in so small a place, inter-related. The
+men seem to have a natural aptitude for cricket, whilst Bermudian
+girls can all dance, swim, play lawn-tennis, and sail boats to
+perfection. On my second visit to the islands, I was much struck with
+one small incident. Two pretty sisters were always the first arrivals
+at the bi-weekly hotel dances. I found that they lived on the far side
+of Hamilton Harbour, some six miles by road. As they could not afford
+ten dollars twice a week for carriage hire, they put on sea-boots and
+oilskins over their ball-gowns, and then paddled themselves across a
+mile and a half of rough water, shook out their creases and touched up
+their hair on arrival, danced all the evening, and then paddled
+themselves home, whatever the weather. Most Bermudian girls, indeed,
+seem quite amphibious.
+
+I went out the second time with a great friend of mine, who was
+anxious to see her son, then quartered in the island. We had attended
+the Parade Service on Sunday at the Garrison Church, and my friend was
+resting on the hotel verandah, when she heard two American ladies
+talking. "My dear," said one of them, "you ought to have come up to
+that Garrison Church. I tell you, it was a right smart, snappy, dandy
+little Service, with a Colonel in full uniform reading selections from
+the Bible from a gilt eagle."
+
+Amongst other interesting people I saw a good deal of at that time in
+Bermuda was "Mark Twain," who had, however, begun to fail, and that
+most cultivated and delightful of men, the late William Dean Howells.
+I twice met at luncheon a gentleman who, I was told, might possibly be
+adopted as Democratic Candidate for the Presidency of the United
+States. His name was Dr. Woodrow Wilson.
+
+Many country houses in Bermuda have pieces of old Chippendale and
+French furniture in them, as well as fine specimens of old French and
+Spanish silver. I entirely discredit the malicious rumours I have
+heard about the origin of these treasures. All male Bermudians were
+seafaring folk in the eighteenth century, and ill-natured people hint
+that these intrepid mariners, not content with their legitimate
+trading profits, were occasionally not averse to--a little maritime
+enterprise. These scandalmongers insinuate that in addition to the
+British Ensign under which they sailed, another flag of a duskier hue
+was kept in a convenient locker, and was occasionally hoisted when the
+owner felt inclined to indulge his tastes as a collector of works of
+art, or to act as a Marine Agent. I do not believe one word of it, and
+emphatically decline to associate such kindly people with such dubious
+proceedings, even if a hundred and fifty years have elapsed since
+then.
+
+These merchant-traders conducted their affairs on the most patriarchal
+principles. They built their own schooners of their own cedar-wood,
+and sailed them themselves with a crew of their own black slaves. The
+invariable round-voyage was rather a complicated one. The first stage
+was from Bermuda in ballast to Turks' Island, in the British Caicos
+group. At Turks' Island for two hundred years salt has been prepared
+by evaporating sea-water. The Bermudian owner filled up with salt, and
+sailed for the Banks of Newfoundland, where he disposed of his cargo
+of salt to the fishermen for curing their cod, and loaded up with
+salt-fish, with which he sailed to the West Indies. Salt-fish has
+always been, and still is, the staple article of diet of the West
+Indian negro; so, his load of salt-fish being advantageously disposed
+of, he filled up with sugar, coffee, rum, and other tropical produce,
+and left for New York, where he found a ready sale for his cargo. At
+New York he loaded up with manufactured goods and "Yankee notions,"
+and returned to Bermuda to dispose of them, thus completing the round
+trip; but I still refuse to credit the story of other and less
+legitimate developments of mercantile enterprise. Of course, should
+Britain be at war with either France or Spain, and should a richly
+loaded French or Spanish merchantman happen to be overtaken, things
+might obviously be a little different. The Bermudian owner might then
+feel it his duty to relieve the vessel of any objects of value to
+avoid tempting the cupidity of others less scrupulous than himself;
+but I cannot believe that this was an habitual practice, and should
+the dusky flag ever have been hoisted, I feel certain that it was only
+through sheer inadvertence.
+
+I know of one country house in Bermuda where the origin of all the
+beautiful things it contains is above all suspicion. The house stands
+on a knoll overlooking the ultramarine waters of Hamilton Harbour, and
+is surrounded by a dense growth of palms, fiddle trees, and spice
+trees. The rooms are panelled in carved cedar-wood, and there is
+charming "grillage" iron-work in the fanlights and outside gates.
+There is an old circular-walled garden with brick paths, a perfect
+blaze of colour; and at the back of the house, which is clothed in
+stephanotis and "Gloire de Dijon" roses, an avenue of flaming scarlet
+poinsettias leads to the orchard: it is a delightful, restful,
+old-world place, which, together with its inhabitants, somehow still
+retains its eighteenth-century atmosphere.
+
+The red and blue birds form one of the attractions of Bermuda. The
+male red bird, the Cardinal Grosbeak, a remarkably sweet songster,
+wears an entire suit of vivid carmine, and has a fine tufted crest of
+the same colour, whilst his wife is dressed more soberly in dull grey
+bordered with red, just like a Netley nursing sister. The blue birds
+have dull red breasts like our robins, with turquoise-blue backs and
+wings, glinting with the same metallic sheen on the blue that the
+angel-fish display in the water. As with our kingfishers, one has the
+sense of a brilliant flash of blue light shooting past one. The red
+and blue birds are very accommodating, for they often sit on the same
+tree, making startling splashes of colour against the sombre green of
+the cedars. That the light blue may not have it all its own way, there
+is the indigo bird as well, serving as a reminder of Oxford and
+Harrow, and pretty little ground-doves, the smallest of the pigeon
+family, as well as the "Chick-of-the-Village," a most engaging little
+creature. Unfortunately some one was injudicious enough to import the
+English house-sparrow: these detestable little birds, whose instincts
+are purely mischievous and destructive, like all useless things, have
+increased at an enormous rate, and are gradually driving the beautiful
+native birds away. All these birds were wonderfully tame till the
+hateful sparrows began molesting them. I am glad to say that a fine of
+5 pounds is levied on any one killing or capturing a red or blue bird,
+and I only wish that a reward were given for every sparrow killed. That
+pleasant writer "Bartimaeus," has in his book _Unreality_ drawn a
+very sympathetic picture of Bermuda under the transparent _alias_
+of "Somer's Island." He, too, has obviously fallen a victim to its
+charms, and duly comments on the blue birds, which Maeterlinck could
+find here in any number without a lengthy and painstaking quest.
+
+As a boy, whilst exploring rock-pools at low water on the west coast
+of Scotland, I used to think longingly of the rock-pools in warm seas,
+which I pictured to myself as perfect treasure-houses of marine
+curiosities. They are most disappointing. Neither in Bermuda, nor in
+the West Indies, nor even on the Cape Peninsula, where the Indian and
+Atlantic Oceans meet, could I find anything whatever in the
+rock-pools. To adopt the Sunday School child's word, there seem to be
+no "tindamies" on the beaches of warm seas. Every one must have heard
+of the little girl who got her first glimpse of the sea on a Sunday
+School excursion. The child seemed terribly disappointed at something,
+and in answer to her teacher's question, said that she liked the sea,
+"but please where were the 'tindamies?' I was looking forward so to
+the tindamies!" Pressed for an explanation the little girl repeated
+from the Fourth Commandment, "In six days the Lord made heaven and
+earth, the sea and all the tindamies." Tindamies is quite a convenient
+word for star-fish, crabs, cuttle-fish and other flotsam and jetsam of
+the beach.
+
+The Sunday School child's mistake is rather akin to that of the old
+Sussex shepherd who had never had a day's illness in his life. When at
+last he did take to his bed, it was quite obvious that he would never
+leave it again. The vicar of the parish visited him almost daily to
+read to him. The old man always begged the clergyman to read him the
+hymn, "The roseate hues of early dawn." At the tenth request for the
+reading of this hymn the clergyman asked him what it was in the lines
+that made such an appeal to him. "Ah, sir," answered the old shepherd,
+"here I lie, and I know full well that I shall never get up again; but
+when you reads me that beautiful 'ymn, I fancies myself on the downs
+again at daybreak, and can just see 'Them rows of ewes at early
+dawn'!"
+
+Had the old shepherd lived in Bermuda instead of in Sussex, that is a
+sight which he would never have seen, for the local grass, though it
+appears green enough to the eye, is a coarse growth which crackles
+under the feet and contains no nutriment whatever as pasture; so all
+cows have to be fed on imported hay, rendering milk very costly. For
+the same reason all meat and butter have to be imported, and their
+price even in pre-war days was sufficiently staggering. The high cost
+of living and the myriads of mosquitoes are the only draw-backs to
+life in these Delectable Islands. That no systematic effort to
+exterminate mosquitoes has ever been made in Bermuda is to me
+incomprehensible, for these mosquitoes are all of the Stegomyia, or
+yellow-fever-carrying variety. The Americans have shown, both in the
+Canal Zone and in Havana, that with sufficient organisation it is
+quite possible to extirpate these dangerous pests, and the Bermudians
+could not do better than to follow their example.
+
+Our soldier-gardeners at Government House had their own methods, and
+were inclined to attach importance to points considered trivial by
+civilians. The men were laying out a new vegetable garden for the
+Governor, and I went with the corporal one evening to inspect
+progress. The corporal, after glancing at the new-planted rows of
+vegetables, shook his head in deep sadness. "'Arris, 'Arris, I'm
+surprised at you! Look at the dressing of that there rear rank of
+lettuces. Up with them all!" and I had to point out that the lettuces
+would grow quite as well, and prove just as succulent, even should
+they not happen to be in strict alignment, and that the dressing was
+only important at a subsequent stage. I laid out a new border to the
+approach for the Governor, with the help of four soldiers, and it was
+really rather a successful piece of work. I began with a large group
+of Kentia and Chamaeropes palms, after which came a patch of bright
+yellow crotons, giving place to a thicket of a white-foliaged Mexican
+shrub, followed by a mass of crimson and orange crotons and
+copper-coloured coleus, which arrangement I repeated. What with
+scarlet poinsettias, many-hued hibiscus, and the pretty native orange
+pigeon-berry, I got quite an amount of colour into my border.
+
+Pretty as are the gardens of Government House, they have to yield the
+palm to those of Admiralty House, which have been carefully tended by
+generations of admirals. Bartimaeus in _Unreality_ grows quite
+enthusiastic over these gardens, though he does not mention their
+three peculiarities. One is a fountain, the only one in the islands.
+As there is not one drop of fresh water, this fountain has its own
+catchment area, and its own special rain-water tank. My own idea is
+that the Admiral reserves its playing for the visits of foreign naval
+men, to delude them into the idea that Bermuda has an abundant water
+supply. The second unusual feature is a series of large chambers hewn
+out of the solid rock, with openings towards the sea. These caves were
+cut out by convict labour as a refuge from the fierce heat of the
+summer months. The third is a flat tombstone by the lawn-tennis
+ground, inscribed "Here lies a British Midshipman 1810," nothing more;
+no name, no age, no particulars. I have often wondered how that
+forlorn, nameless, ageless midshipman came to be lying in the
+Admiral's garden. He was probably drowned and washed ashore without
+anything to identify him, so they buried him where they found him.
+
+The particular white battalion quartered in Bermuda during my first
+visit there was very fortunate in its ladies, for it had an unusual
+proportion of married officers. I have the greatest admiration for
+these plucky little women who accompany their husbands all over the
+globe, and who always seem to manage, however narrow their means, to
+create a cheerful and attractive little home for their menkind. They
+all appeared able to dress themselves well, though, if the truth were
+known, they were probably mostly their own dressmakers, and, owing to
+the servant difficulty in Bermuda, their own cooks as well; they had
+transformed their little white-washed houses into the most inviting
+little dwellings, and in spite of having to do a great part of their
+own housework, they always managed to look pretty and charming. The
+average wife of the average officer of a Line regiment is a wonderful
+little woman.
+
+The supper-parties in the married officers' quarters at Prospect Camp
+were the cheeriest entertainments I have ever been at. Every one had
+to contribute something. My own culinary attainments being confined to
+the preparation of three dishes, I was compelled to repeat them
+monotonously. The subalterns were made to carry the dishes from the
+kitchen, and to "wash-up" afterwards, yet I am sure that the average
+London hostess would have envied the jollity, the fun and high spirits
+that made those informal supper-parties so delightful, and would have
+given anything to introduce some of this cheery atmosphere into her
+own decorous and extremely dull entertainments, where the guests did
+not have to cook their own dinners.
+
+I gave a dinner-party at an hotel to eleven people, all officers or
+officers' wives. The conversation turned on birthplaces, and the
+answers given were so curious, that I wrote them all down. Not only
+were all my guests soldiers and soldiers' wives, but they were nearly
+all the sons and daughters of soldiers as well. One major had been
+born at Cape Town; his very comely wife in Barbados. The other major
+had been born at Meerut in India, his wife at Quebec, and her
+unmarried sister in Mauritius; and so it was with all of them. Of
+those twelve people of pure British blood, I was the only one who had
+been born in England or in Europe; even the subaltern had been born in
+Hong-Kong. I do not thing that stay-at-homes quite realise the
+existence of this little world of people journeying from end to end of
+the earth in the course of their duty, and taking it all as a matter
+of course.
+
+I regret that the Imperial West India Direct Line should now be
+defunct, for this gave a monthly direct service between Bristol and
+Bermuda, and I can conceive of no pleasanter winter quarters for those
+desirous of escaping the rigours of an English January and February.
+Ten days after leaving Bristol, ten days it must be confessed of
+extremely angry seas, the ship dropped her anchor in Grassy Bay, and
+the astonished arrival from England found ripe strawberries, new peas,
+and new potatoes awaiting his good pleasure. No visitor could fail to
+be delighted with the pretty, prosperous little island, and with its
+genial and hospitable inhabitants. For Americans, too, the place was a
+godsend, for in forty-eight hours they could escape from the extreme
+and fickle climate of New York, and find themselves in warm sunshine,
+tempered, it is true, by occasional downpours, for Nature, realising
+that the inhabitants were dependent on the rainfall for their water
+supply, did her best to avoid any shortage of this necessity of life.
+Canadians had also a great liking for the islands, for not only were
+they on their own soil there, but in sixty hours they could transport
+themselves from the ice and snow of Montreal and Toronto to a climate
+where roses and geraniums bloomed at Christmas, and where orange and
+lemon trees and great wine-coloured drifts of Bougainvillaa mocked at
+the futile efforts of winter to touch them. The Bishop of Bermuda, who
+also included Newfoundland in his See, declared that climatically his
+diocese was absolutely ideal, for he passed the six winter months in
+Bermuda and the remainder of the year in Newfoundland, thus escaping
+alike the rigorous winters of the northern island and the fierce
+summer heat of the southern one. The Bishop himself was a
+Newfoundlander, as were many of the Church of England clergy in
+Bermuda. A humorous friend of mine, a sapper in charge of the
+"wireless," shared to the full my liking for the islands and their
+pleasant inhabitants, but positively detested Prospect Camp where he
+was stationed. Prospect, though healthy enough, is wind-swept, very
+dusty, and quite devoid of shade. He declared that the well-known hymn
+should be altered, and ought to run:
+
+  "What though the Ocean breezes
+    Blow o'er Bermuda's isle;
+  Where every man is pleasing
+    And only Prospect vile."
+
+Few people seem to realise that Bermuda is a first-class fortress, a
+dockyard, and an important naval coaling-station. A glance at the map
+will show its strategic importance. Nature has made it almost
+inaccessible with barrier-reefs, and there is but one narrow and
+difficult entrance off St. George's. This entrance is jealously
+guarded by a heavy battery of 12 in. and 6 in. guns, and the ten-mile
+long ship-channel inside the reefs from St. George's to the Dockyard
+is very difficult and complicated, though I imagine that, with modern
+guns, a ship could lie outside the reefs and shell the islands to
+pieces.
+
+The first time that I was in Bermuda, a German Training Squadron
+arrived, with a number of naval cadets on board, and announced their
+intention of remaining ten days. The German officers at once exhibited
+a most un-Teutonic keenness about sea-fishing. The Governor, fully
+alive to the advantage a possibly hostile power might reap from an
+independent survey and charting of the tortuous and difficult
+ship-channel between St. George's and the Dockyard, at once held a
+consultation with the Senior Naval Officer, in the Admiral's absence,
+and, as a result of this consultation, three naval petty officers were
+detailed to show the Germans the best fishing-grounds. At the same
+time naval patrol boats displayed a quite unusual activity inside the
+reefs. Both patrol boats and petty officers had their private orders,
+and I fancy that these steps resulted in very few soundings being
+taken, and in the ship-channel remaining uncharted by our German
+visitors. I was returning myself, after dark, in the ferry-boat plying
+between the Dockyard and Hamilton, when there were four German
+officers on the bridge. Imagining themselves secure in the general
+ignorance of their language, they were openly noting the position of
+the leading lights, as the little steamer threaded her way through the
+smaller islands and "One rock" and "Two rock passage," and all these
+observations were, I imagine, duly entered in their pocket-books after
+landing. In conversation with the German officers I was much struck
+with the essentially false ideas that they had with regard to the
+position of the motherland and her dependencies. They seemed convinced
+that every Dominion and dependency was merely waiting for the first
+favourable opportunity to declare its complete independence, and they
+hardly troubled to conceal their opinion that Britain was hopelessly
+decadent, and would never be able to wage a campaign again. Bermuda,
+in view of its wonderful strategic position, had, I am convinced, been
+marked down as a future German possession, when they would have
+endeavoured to make a second Heligoland of it.
+
+Nowhere could a little population be found more loyal to the
+motherland than in Bermuda, or prouder of its common heritage.
+
+A friend of mine, a lady who had never left the islands, wrote some
+lines which I thought so fine that I set them to music. Her words,
+though, are so much better than my setting, that I will quote them in
+full.
+
+  THE SONG OF THE BERMUDIANS
+  THE KEEPERS OF THE WESTERN GATE
+
+  Queen of the Seas! Thou hast given us the Keys,
+  Proudly do we hold them, we thy Children and akin,
+    Though we be nor rich nor great,
+    We will guard the Western Gate,
+  And our lives shall pay the forfeit ere we let the foeman in.
+
+  Empty are our hands, for we have nor wealth nor lands,
+  No grain or gold to give thee, and so few a folk are we;
+    Yet in very will and deed,
+    We will serve thee at thy need,
+  And keep thine ancient fortalice beyond the Western Sea.
+
+  The sea is at our doors, and we front its fretted floors,
+  Swept by every wind that listeth, ringed with reefs from rim to rim,
+    Though we may not break its bars,
+    Yet by light of sun or stars
+  Our hearts are fain for England, and for her our eyes are dim.
+
+  Sweet Mother, ponder this, lest thy favour we should miss;
+  We, the loneliest and least of all thy peoples of the sea.
+    With bared heads and proud
+    We bless thy name aloud,
+  For gift of lowly service, as we guard the gate for thee.
+
+Those lines, to me, have a fine ring about them. The words, "In very
+will and deed, We will serve thee at thy need," were not a mere empty
+boast, as the splendid record of little Bermuda in the years of
+trouble from 1914 to 1918 shows, when almost every man of military
+age, whether white or coloured, voluntarily crossed the Atlantic to
+help the motherland in her need; so let us wish all success to the
+sun-kissed, cedar-clad little islands, and to their genial
+inhabitants.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+The demerits of the West Indies classified--The utter ruin of
+St. Pierre--The Empress Josephine--A transplanted
+brogue--Vampires--Lost in a virgin forest--Dictator-Presidents
+--Castro and Rosas--The mentality of a South American--"The
+Liberator"--The Basques and their national game--Love of English
+people for foreign words--Yellow fever--Life on an Argentine
+_estancia_--How cattle are worked--The lasso and the
+"bolas"--Ostriches--Venomous toads--The youthful rough-rider--His
+methods--Fuel difficulties--The vast plains--The wonderful bird-life.
+
+
+Any one desirous of seeing an exceedingly beautiful, and comparatively
+unknown, corner of the world, should take the fortnightly
+Inter-colonial steamer from Trinidad, and make the voyage "up the
+islands." The Lesser Antilles are very lovely, but there is something
+rather melancholy about them, for they are obviously decaying in
+prosperity; the white planters are abandoning them, and as the
+coloured people take their place, externals all begin to assume a
+shabby, unkempt appearance. I am speaking of the conditions anterior
+to 1914; the great rise in the price of sugar since then may have
+resulted in a back-wash of prosperity affecting both the Windward and
+the Leeward Islands.
+
+I should always myself classify the West India islands according to
+their liability to, or immunity from, the various local drawbacks.
+Thus Barbados, though within the hurricane zone, is outside the
+earthquake zone, and is free from poisonous snakes. Trinidad, only 200
+miles away, is outside the hurricane area, but is most distinctly
+inside the earthquake zone, is prolific in venomous snakes and enjoys
+the further advantage of being the home of the blood-sucking vampire
+bat. Jamaica is liable to both hurricanes and earthquakes, but has no
+poisonous snakes. St. Vincent, St. Lucia and Martinique are really
+over-full of possibilities, for, in addition to a liability to
+earthquakes and hurricanes, they each possess an active volcano, and
+Martinique and St. Lucia are the habitat of the dreaded and deadly
+Fer-de-Lance snake.
+
+The Administrator of St. Vincent had been good enough to ask me to
+dinner by telegram. The steamer reached St. Vincent after dark, and it
+was a curious experience landing on an unknown island in a tailcoat
+and white tie, driving for two miles, and then tumbling into a
+dinner-party of sixteen white people, not one of whom one had ever
+seen before, or was ever likely to meet again. It was as though one
+had been dropped by an aeroplane into an unknown land, and when the
+steamer sailed again before midnight, it was all as though it had
+never been. The orchids on that dinner-table were very remarkable, for
+orchid-growing was the Administrator's hobby. He grafted his orchids
+on to orange trees, and so obtained enormous growths. We measured some
+of the flower-sprays, the biggest being nine feet long. As they were
+brown and yellow Oncidiums, they were more curious than beautiful.
+
+The appalling desolation of St. Pierre, in the French island of
+Martinique, cannot be imagined without having been seen. Of a very
+handsome city of 40,000 inhabitants there is absolutely nothing left
+except one gable of the cathedral. There is no trace of a town having
+ever existed here, for the poisonous manchineel tree has spread itself
+over the ruins, and it is difficult to realise that twenty years ago
+the pride of the French West Indies stood here. The rich merchants and
+planters of St. Pierre had all made their homes in the valley of the
+little river Roxelana. After the sides of Mont Pele had gaped apart
+and hurled their white-hot whirlwind of fire over the doomed town on
+that fatal May 8, 1902--a fiery whirlwind which calcined every human
+being and every building in the town in less than one minute--molten
+lava poured into the valley of the Roxelana until it filled it up
+entirely, burying houses, gardens and plantations alike. There is no
+trace even of a valley now, and the stream makes its way underground
+to the sea. Napoleon the Great's first wife, Josephine de la Pagerie,
+was a native of Martinique and retained all her life the curious
+indolence of the Creole. Her gross extravagance and her love of luxury
+may also have been due to her Creole blood. Her first husband, of
+course, had been the Vicomte de Beauharnais, and her daughter,
+Hortense de Beauharnais, married Napoleon's brother, Louis, King of
+Holland. This complicated relationships, for Queen Hortense's son,
+Louis Napoleon, afterwards Napoleon III., was thus at the same time
+nephew and step-grandson of Napoleon I. M. Filon, in his most
+interesting study of the Empress Eugenie, points out that Napoleon
+III. showed his Creole blood in his constant chilliness. He chose as
+his private apartments at the Tuileries a set of small rooms on the
+ground floor, as these could be more easily heated up to the
+temperature he liked. According to M. Filon, Napoleon III. shortened
+his life by persisting in remaining so much in what he describes as
+"those over-gilt, over-heated, air-tight little boxes."
+
+The well-known greenhouse climbing plant lapageria, with its waxy
+white or crimson trumpets of flowers, owes its name to Josephine de la
+Pagerie, for on its first introduction into France it was called La
+Pageria in her honour, though with the English pronunciation of the
+name the connection is not at first obvious.
+
+It is not so generally known that Madame de Maintenon, as Francoise
+d'Aubigne, spent all her girlhood in Martinique.
+
+The coloured women of Martinique have apparently absorbed, thanks to
+their two hundred years' association with the French, something of
+that innate good taste which seems the birthright of most French
+people, and they show this in their very individual and becoming
+costumes. The Martinique negress is, as a rule, a handsome
+bronze-coloured creature, and she wears a full-skirted, flowing dress
+of flowered chintz or cretonne, with a _fichu_ of some
+contrasting colour over her breast. She hides her woolly locks under
+an ample turban of two shades, one of which will exactly match her
+_fichu_, whilst the other will either correspond to or contrast
+with the colour of her chintz dress, thus producing what the French
+term "une gamme de couleur," most pleasing to the eye, and with never
+a false note in it. Beside these comely, amply breasted bronze
+statues, the British West Indian negress, with her absurd travesty of
+European fashions, and her grotesque hats, cuts, I am bound to say, a
+very poor figure indeed.
+
+The flourishing little island of Montserrat has one peculiarity. The
+negroes all speak with the strongest of Irish brogues. Cromwell
+deported to Montserrat many of the "Malignants" from the West of
+Ireland, who acquired negro slaves to cultivate their sugar and
+cotton. These negroes naturally learnt English in the fashion in which
+their masters spoke it. The white men have gone; the brogue remains. I
+was much amused on going ashore in the Administrator's whaleboat, he
+being an old acquaintance from the Co. Tyrone, to hear his jet-black
+coxswain remark, "'Tis the lee side I will be going, sorr, the way
+your Honour will not be getting wet, for them back-seas are mighty
+throublesome." This in Montserrat was unexpected.
+
+There is a curious uninhabited rock lying amongst the Virgin Islands.
+It is quite square and box-like in shape, and is known as "The Dead
+Man's Chest." Before seeing it I had always thought that the eternal
+chant of the old pirate at the "Admiral Benbow," in _Treasure Island_:
+
+  "Fifteen men on the Dead Man's Chest,
+  Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!"
+
+referred literally to a seaman's chest, though reflection might have
+shown that one chest would afford rather scanty seating-ground for
+fifteen men.
+
+At Nevis, the curious can see in Fig Tree Church the register
+attesting the marriage of "Horatio Nelson, Captain of H.M.S.
+_Boreas_, to Frances Nisbet, widow," on March 11, 1789. William
+IV., at that time Duke of Clarence, was Nelson's best man on that
+occasion.
+
+Nevis possesses powerful hot mineral springs, and a hundred years ago
+and more was the great health resort of white people in the West
+Indies. Here the planters endeavoured to get their torpid livers into
+working order again, and the local boast was that for every pearl
+necklace and pair of diamond shoe-buckles to be seen at the English
+Bath, there were three to be seen in Nevis. To add to its attractions
+it was asserted that the drinking, gambling, and duelling in Nevis
+left Bath completely in the shade.
+
+Though one was constantly hearing of diminishing trade in the Lesser
+Antilles, certain questions kept suggesting themselves to me. For
+instance, in islands abounding in water power, why ship copra in bulk
+to England or the United States, instead of crushing it locally and
+exporting the oil, which would occupy one-tenth of the cargo-space?
+Why, in an island producing both oranges and sugar, ship them
+separately to Europe to be made into marmalade, instead of
+manufacturing it on the spot? The invariable answer to these queries
+was "lack of capital"; no one seemed to guess that lack of enterprise
+might be a contributory cause as well.
+
+I have alluded to the vampire bat of Trinidad. Six weeks before my
+arrival there, the Governor's aide-de-camp had most imprudently slept
+without lowering his mosquito curtains. He awoke to find himself
+drenched in blood, for a vampire bat had opened a vein, drunk his
+fill, and then flown off leaving the wound open. The doctor had to
+apply the actual cautery to stop the bleeding, and six weeks
+afterwards the unfortunate aide-de-camp was still as white as a sheet
+of paper from loss of blood. At Government House, Port-of-Spain, there
+is a very lofty entrance-hall, bright with electric light. The
+vampires constantly flew in here, to become helpless at once in the
+glare of light, when they could be easily killed with a stick. The
+vampire is a small, sooty-black bat with a perfectly diabolical little
+face. An ordinary mosquito net is quite sufficient protection against
+them, or, to persons who do not mind a light in their room, a lamp
+burning all night is an absolute safeguard against their attacks.
+Every stable in Trinidad has a lighted lamp burning all night in it,
+and those who can afford them, drop wire-gauze curtains over their
+horses' stalls as a protection against vampires.
+
+The Trinidad negro being naturally an indolent creature, all the
+boatmen and cab-drivers in Port-of-Spain are Barbadians. As we know,
+the Badians have an inordinate opinion of themselves and of their
+island. Whilst I was in Trinidad, General Baden-Powell came there in
+the course of his world-tour inspection of Boy Scouts. On the day of
+General Baden-Powell's arrival, all the Badian boatmen and cab-drivers
+struck work, and the vampire-bitten aide-de-camp, who was in the town,
+met serried phalanxes of dark faces hurrying to the landing-stage. On
+asking a Badian what the excitement was about, the negro answered with
+infinite hauteur.
+
+"You ask me dat, sir? You not know dat our great countryman General
+_Badian_-Powell arrive to-day, so we all go welcome him."
+
+Charles Kingsley in _At Last_ goes into rhapsodies over the "High
+Woods" of Trinidad. I confess that I was terribly disappointed in
+them. They are too trim and well-kept; the Forestry department has
+done its work too well. There are broad green rides cut through them,
+reminiscent of covers in an English park, but certainly not suggestive
+of a virgin forest. One almost expects to hear the beaters' sticks
+rattling in them, and I did not think that they could compare with the
+splendid virgin forests of Brazil.
+
+I was in Brazil just thirty years ago with Patrick Lyon, brother of
+the present Lord Strathmore. We were staying at Petropolis, and Lyon,
+fired by my accounts of these virgin forests, declared that he must
+see one for himself. He had heard that the forests extended to within
+three miles of Petropolis, and at once went to hire two horses for us
+to ride out there. There were no horses to be had in the place, but so
+determined was Lyon to see these untrodden wilds, that he insisted on
+our doing the three miles on foot, then and there. It was the height
+of the Brazilian summer, and the heat was something appalling. We
+struggled over three miles of a glaring white shadeless road, grilled
+alive by the sun, but always comforting ourselves by dwelling on the
+cool shades awaiting us at the end of our journey. At length we
+reached the forest, and wandered into a green twilight under the dense
+canopy of leaves, which formed an unbroken roof a hundred feet over
+our heads. With "green twilight" the obvious epithet should be "cool";
+that is exactly what it was not, for if the green canopy shut out the
+sun, it also shut out the air, and the heat in that natural leafy
+cathedral was absolutely overpowering. We wandered on and on, till I
+began to grow giddy and faint with the heat. I asked Lyon how he was
+feeling, and he owned that the heat had affected him too, so we sat
+down on a rock to recuperate.
+
+"It is a solemn thought," observed Lyon, after a long silence, "that
+we are perhaps the first human beings to have set foot in this forest.
+We simply must pull ourselves together, for it might be months before
+any one passed here, and you know what that means." I assented
+gloomily, as I formed melancholy mental pictures of ourselves as two
+mature Babes-in-the-Wood, speculating whether, in the event of our
+demise in these untrodden wilds, any Brazilian birds, brilliant of
+plumage but kindly of heart, would cover us up with leaves. These
+great forest tracts were producing an awe-inspiring effect on us as we
+realised our precarious position, when we suddenly heard Toot! toot!
+toot! and to our inexpressible amazement we saw a tramcar approaching
+us through the trees. The car came within twenty feet of us, for the
+track had been quite hidden by some rising ground; we hailed it, and
+returned to Petropolis prosaically seated on the front bench of a
+tramcar. We afterwards found that the untrodden wilds of our virgin
+forest were traversed by a regular hourly service of tramcars; alas
+for vanished illusions!
+
+There is a street in Port-of-Spain which used to be known as the
+"Calle de los Presidentes," or Presidents' Street, for it was here
+that fugitive Presidents of Venezuela were wont to take refuge when
+the political atmosphere of that republic grew uncomfortable for them.
+Most of these gentlemen thoughtfully brought with them as much of the
+national till as they were able to lay their hands on, to comfort them
+in their exile. Spanish-American republics seem to produce
+Dictator-Presidents very freely. When I was in Venezuela in 1907
+Cipriano Castro had grasped supreme power, and governed the country as
+an autocrat. Castro, who was an uneducated half-caste, ruled by
+corruption and terror; he repudiated all the national obligations,
+quarrelled with the United States and with every European Power, and
+disposed of his political opponents by the simple expedient of placing
+them against a wall with a file of soldiers with loaded rifles in
+front of them. For eight years this ignorant, bloodthirsty savage
+enjoyed absolute power, until he was forced in 1908 to flee to Europe.
+I do not know whether he followed the national custom by taking most
+of the exchequer with him. A typical sample of Castro's administrative
+powers was to be seen at La Guayra, the wretched, poverty-stricken
+seaport of Caracas. Dominating the squalid little place was a huge and
+imposing fort with heavy guns, over which the gaudy Venezuelan
+tricolour of yellow, blue, and red fluttered bravely. This fort was an
+elaborate sham, built of coloured plaster, and the guns were of
+painted wood only; but Castro thought that it was calculated to
+frighten the foreigner, and it possibly flattered the national vanity
+as well.
+
+A most remarkable example of a Dictator-Tyrant was Juan Rosas, who,
+for seventeen years, from 1835 to 1852, ruled the Argentine Republic
+as an unchallenged despot. Rosas was born in 1793, and began life as a
+gaucho. He seized supreme power in 1835, and is credited with having
+put twenty-five thousand people to death. The "Nero of South America"
+was ably backed-up by his seconds-in-command, Oribe and Urquiza, two
+most consummate scoundrels. Whether Rosas "saw red," as others since
+his day have done, or whether it was the play on his own name which
+pleased him, I cannot say, but he had a perfect mania for the colour
+red. He dressed all his troops in scarlet ponchos, and ordered every
+male inhabitant of Buenos Ayres who wore a coat at all, to wear a
+scarlet waistcoat, whilst all ladies were bidden to wear a knot of
+scarlet ribbon and to carry a red fan. In the Dictator's own house at
+Palermo all the carpets and stuffs were scarlet. An elderly lady in
+Buenos Ayres, who remembered Rosas' dictatorship perfectly, showed me
+some of the scarlet fans, specially made in Spain for the Argentine
+market after Rosas had promulgated his edict. My friend described to
+me how Rosas placed several of his rough police at the doors of every
+church, and any lady who did not exhibit the obligatory red bow on her
+black dress (in Spanish-speaking countries the women always go to Mass
+in black), received a dab of pitch on her cheek, on to which the
+policeman clapped a rosette of red paper. She told it all so
+graphically that I could almost see the stream of frightened,
+black-clad women issuing from the church, whilst their husbands and
+lovers stood expectantly below (South American men rarely enter a
+church), every man-jack of them with a scarlet waistcoat, like a flock
+of swarthy robin redbreasts. I have seen some of these waistcoats; the
+young bloods wore scarlet silk, the older men red cloth. Rosas, like a
+mediaeval monarch, had his court fool or jester, a dwarf known as Don
+Eusebio. Rosas dressed him in scarlet and gave him the rank of a
+general, with a scarlet-clad bodyguard, and woe betide any one who
+treated the Dictator's fool with scant respect. Rosas was undoubtedly
+as mad as Bedlam, but he was an abominably bloodthirsty madman who
+successfully exterminated all his opponents. The Dictator was
+accessible to every one at his house at Palermo, and the marvel is
+that he managed to escape assassination. His enormities became so
+intolerable that in 1852 the Brazilians and Uruguayans invaded the
+Argentine, and at the critical moment General Urquiza, Rosas' trusted
+second-in-command, betrayed him and went over to the enemy, so the
+Dictator's power was broken.
+
+Rosas took refuge in the British Legation, and for some reason which I
+have never fathomed, he was shipped to England on H.M.S. _Locust_.
+He settled down at Swaythling near Southampton, where he died in 1877
+after twenty-five years peaceful residence. He was a peculiarly
+bloodthirsty scoundrel.
+
+Some of these Spanish-American dictators have been beneficent despots,
+such as Jose Francia, who, upon Paraguay proclaiming her independence
+in 1811, got elected President, and soon afterwards managed to secure
+his nomination as Dictator for life. He ruled Paraguay autocratically
+but well until his death in 1840, and the country prospered under him.
+Under the iron rule of Porfirio Diaz, from 1877 to 1911, Mexico
+enjoyed the only period of comparative calm that turbulent country has
+known in recent years, and made continued economic progress.
+
+I think that a Latin-American's only abstract idea of government is a
+despotic one. They do not trouble much about the _substance_ as
+long as they have the _shadow_, and provided that the national
+arms display prominently a "Cap of Liberty," and mottoes of "Libertad
+y Progreso" are sufficiently flaunted about, he does not bother much
+about the absence of such trifles as trial by jury, or worry his head
+over the venality and tyranny of officials, the "faking" of elections,
+or the disregard of the President of the day for the constitutional
+limitations imposed upon his office. Do not the national arms and
+motto proclaim that his country stands in the van of Liberty and
+Progress, and what more could any one want? Some of the coats-of-arms
+of Spanish-American republics and states would give an official of the
+College of Arms an apoplectic fit, for "colour" is unblushingly
+displayed on "colour" and "metal" upon "metal" in defiance of every
+recognised rule of heraldry.
+
+The first time that I was in Buenos Ayres a very pleasant young
+English civil engineer begged me to visit the family with whom he was
+boarding, assuring me that I should find the most amusing nest of
+cranks there. These people had come originally from the Pacific Coast,
+I cannot recall whether from Bolivia or Ecuador. As their
+revolutionary tendencies and their constant efforts to overthrow the
+Government had rendered their native country too hot to hold them,
+they had drifted through Peru to Chili, and had wandered across the
+continent to Buenos Ayres, where the details connected with the
+running of a boarding-house had left them with but little time for
+putting their subversive tendencies into practice. Amongst their
+paying guests was an elderly man from the country of their origin, who
+twenty-five years earlier had so disapproved of the particular
+President elected to rule his native land, that he had shown his
+resentment by attempting to assassinate him. Being, however, but an
+indifferent shot with a revolver, he had merely wounded the President
+in the arm. He had somehow managed to escape from Bolivia, or Ecuador,
+and ultimately made his way to Buenos Ayres, where he was warmly
+welcomed in revolutionary circles; and his defective marksmanship
+being overlooked, the will was taken for the deed, and he was always
+alluded to as "El Libertador," or "The Liberator." I accompanied the
+young engineer to his boarding-house one evening, where I met the most
+extraordinary collection of people. Every one was talking at once, and
+all of them at the very top of their voices, so it was impossible to
+follow what was being said, but I have no doubt that their opinions
+were all sufficiently "enlightened" and "advanced." "The Liberator"
+sat apart in an arm-chair, his patriarchal white beard streaming over
+his chest, and was treated with immense deference by every one
+present. At intervals during the evening glasses of Guinness' bottled
+stout were offered to the Liberator (and to no one else), this being a
+beverage of which most South Americans are inordinately fond. I was
+duly introduced to the Liberator, who received my advances with
+affability tempered with haughtiness. I flattered myself that I had
+made a very favourable impression on him, but I learnt afterwards that
+the old gentleman was deeply offended with me, for, on being
+introduced to him, I had assured him that it was a pleasure to meet
+"so distinguished a _man_" (un _hombre_ tan distinguido), whereas I
+should have said "so distinguished a _gentleman_" (un _caballero_ tan
+distinguido), a curious point for so ardent a democrat to boggle over.
+
+No stranger in Buenos Ayres should omit a visit to the Plaza Euskara
+on a Sunday.
+
+The Plaza Euskara is the great court where the Basques play their
+national game of "pelota." Euskara is the term used by the Basques
+themselves for their mysterious language, a language with no affinity
+to any European tongue, and so difficult that it is popularly supposed
+that the Devil, after spending seven fruitless years in endeavouring
+to master it, gave up the attempt in despair. "Pelota" is the father
+of racquets and fives, and is an immemorially old game, going back, it
+is said, to the times of the Romans. Instead of using a racquet, it is
+played with a curved wicker basket strapped on to the right wrist.
+This basket is not unlike in shape to those wicker-work covers which
+in pre-taxi days were placed by London hotel porters over the wheels
+of hansom-cabs to protect ladies' dresses in getting in or out of
+them. When a back-handed stroke is necessary, the player grasps his
+right wrist with his left hand, using his wicker-encased right hand as
+a racquet. The court is nearly three times the length of a
+racquet-court, and is always open to the air. There is a back wall and
+a wall on the left-hand side; the other two sides are open and filled
+with spectators. The players are marvellously adroit, and get up balls
+which seem quite impossible to return; they are all professionals, for
+the game is so difficult that it must be learnt in early boyhood. It
+is scored like racquets up to fifteen points, one side invariably
+wearing blue "berets" and sashes, the other red. Large red and blue
+dials mark the points on the end wall as they are scored.
+
+On Sundays and holidays the Plaza Euskara is a wonderful sight, with
+its thousands of spectators, all worked up to a pitch of intense
+excitement. The betting is tremendous, and fat wads of dollar bills
+are produced from the shabbiest of coats, whose owners one would
+hardly associate with such an amount of portable wealth. The three
+umpires sit together on a sort of rostrum, each one crowned with the
+national Basque "beret." Points are being continually referred to
+their decision, amidst the shouts and yells of the excited partisans.
+Every time the three umpires stand up, remove their berets, and make
+low bows to each other; they then confer in whispers, and having
+reached a decision, they again stand up bareheaded, repeat their bows,
+and then announce their verdict to the public. Pelota is certainly a
+most interesting game to watch, owing to the uncanny skill of the
+players. Invariably in the course of the afternoon there is one match
+in which the little apprentices take part, either with their masters
+as partners, or entirely amongst themselves.
+
+I have used the Spanish word "pelota," but it merely means "ball,"
+just as the Russian word "soviet" means nothing in the world but
+"council." English people who refuse to take the trouble to learn any
+foreign language, seem to love using these words; they have all the
+glamour of the unfamiliar and unknown about them. Personally, it
+always seemed to me very foolish using the term "Kaiser" to describe
+the ex-Emperor William. Certainly any dictionary will tell one that
+Kaiser is the German equivalent for Emperor, but as we happen to speak
+English I fail to see why we should use the German term. Equally,
+Konig is the German for King, and yet I never recollect any one
+alluding to the Konig of Saxony. Some people seem to imagine that the
+title "Kaiser" was a personal attribute of William of Hohenzollern; it
+was nothing of the sort. Should any one have been entitled to the
+term, it would have been the Hapsburg Emperor, the lineal descendant
+of the "Heiliger Romischer Kaiser," and yet one used to read such
+ridiculous headings as "Kaiser meets Austrian Emperor." What did the
+writers of this imagine that Franz-Josef was called by his subjects?
+The meaningless practice only originated in England with William II.'s
+accession; it was unheard of before. If English people had any idea
+that "Rey" was the Spanish for King, I am sure that on King Alfonso's
+next visit to England we should see flaring headlines announcing the
+"Arrival of the Rey in London," and in the extraordinarily unlikely
+event of the Queen of Sweden ever wishing to pay a visit to this
+country, any one with a Swedish dictionary could really compose a
+brilliant headline, "The Drottning drives despondently down Downing
+Street," and I confess that neither of them seem one whit more foolish
+than for English-speaking people to use the term Kaiser. The label may
+be a convenient one, but it is inaccurate, for there was not one
+Kaiser but two.
+
+The familiar, when wrapped in all the majesty of a foreign tongue, can
+be very imposing. Some little time back a brother of mine laid out a
+new rock-garden at his house in the country. The next year a neighbour
+wrote saying that he would be very grateful should my brother be able
+to supply him with any of his superfluous rock-plants. My brother
+answered, regretting his inability to accede to this request, as,
+owing to the dry spring, his rock-garden had failed absolutely, in
+fact the only growth visible in it consisted of several hundred
+specimens of the showy yellow blooms of the "Leo Elegans." Much
+impressed with this sonorous appellation, his correspondent begged for
+a few roots of "Leo Elegans." My brother, in his reply, pointed out
+that the common dandelion was hardly a sufficient rarity to warrant
+its being transplanted.
+
+I went out a second time to the Argentine Republic with Patrick Lyon,
+to whom I have already alluded, in order to place a young relative of
+his as premium-pupil on an English-owned ranche, or estancia, as it is
+locally called. We had an extremely unpleasant voyage out, for at Rio
+Janeiro we were unfortunate enough to get yellow fever into the ship,
+and we had five deaths on board. I myself was attacked by the fever,
+but in its very mildest form, and I was the only one to recover; all
+the other victims of the yellow scourge died, and I attribute my own
+escape to the heroic remedy administered to me with my own consent by
+the ship's doctor. Although Buenos Ayres is quite out of the
+yellow-fever zone, the disease has occasionally been brought there
+from Brazil, and to Argentines the words "yellow fever" are words of
+terror, for in the early "seventies" the population of Buenos Ayres
+was more than decimated by a fearful epidemic of the scourge. Our ship
+was at once ordered back to Brazil, and was not allowed to discharge
+one single ounce of her cargo, which must have entailed a very heavy
+financial loss on the R.M.S.P. Company. We unfortunate passengers had
+to undergo twenty-one days rigorous quarantine, during which we were
+allowed no communication whatever with the outside world, and were in
+addition mulcted of the exorbitant sum of 3 pounds a day for very
+indifferent board and accommodation.
+
+Having reached the estancia and placed our pupil on it, we liked the
+place so well that we made arrangements to stay there for six weeks at
+least, thus getting a very good idea of its daily life. The province
+of Buenos Ayres is one great featureless, treeless, dead-flat plain,
+and being all an alluvial deposit, it contains neither a pebble in the
+soil nor a single spring of water. Water is found everywhere at a
+depth of six or seven feet, and this great level extends for a
+thousand miles. Where its undoubted fascination comes in is hard to
+say, yet I defy any one not to respond to it. It is probably due to
+the sense of limitless space, and to a feeling of immense freedom, the
+latter being physical and not political. The only indigenous tree is
+the ombu, and the ombu makes itself conspicuous by its rarity. Nature
+must have fashioned this tree with her tongue in cheek, for the wood
+is a mere pith, and a walking-stick can be driven right into the tree.
+Not only is the wood useless as timber, but it is equally valueless as
+fuel, for the pith rots before it can be dried. The leaves are
+poisonous, and in spite of its being mere pith, it is one of the
+slowest-growing trees known, so that, take it all round, the solitary
+indigenous tree of Buenos Ayres is about the most useless arboreal
+product that could be imagined. The ombu is a handsome tree to the
+eye, not unlike an English walnut in its habit of growth, and it has
+the one merit of being a splendid shade-tree. During the last forty
+years, poplars, willows and eucalyptus have been lavishly planted
+round the estancia houses, so any green or dusky patch of trees
+breaking the bare expanse of dun-coloured plain is an unfailing sign
+of human habitation.
+
+The manager and the premium-pupils on our estancia all breakfasted
+before six, and then went out to the horse-corral to catch their
+horses for the day's work. They were obliging enough to catch horses,
+too, for myself and Lyon, which we duly found tied up to a tree when
+we made our later appearance. Let us suppose an order for fifty
+bullocks to have come from Buenos Ayres. The manager with the three
+pupils and some ten mounted gauchos would ride off to the selected
+enclosure, and run his eye over the "mob" of cattle. Having selected
+six beasts, he would point them out to the gauchos, and then pick out
+two for himself and his younger brother. Shaking his reins, and
+calling out "_Ico! Ico!_" to his horse, he would ride up to the
+doomed beast, and endeavour to cut him out from the herd. The horse,
+who understood and enjoyed the game as well as the man on his back,
+once he had distinguished the bullock they were riding down, needed no
+stimulant of whip, but would follow him of his own accord, twisting
+and doubling like a retriever after a wounded hare, or a terrier after
+a rat. Once the animal was cut out of the herd, the manager would
+uncoil his lasso, one end of which was made fast to the cinch-ring of
+his girths, and out flew the looped coil of rope with unerring
+straightness, catching the bullock round the horns. The intelligent
+horse, having played the game many times before, steadied himself for
+the shock which experience had taught him to expect when he would feel
+the whole weight of the galloping bullock suddenly arrested in his
+rush for freedom tugging at his cinch-ring. The gauchos had also
+secured their beasts in the same way, and the process was continued
+until the fifty bullocks had been securely corralled, blissfully
+unconscious that this was the first stage of their ultimate
+transformation into roast beef, or _filets de boeuf a la Bordelaise_.
+
+Though Lyon and I never attempted to use the lasso, we often joined in
+riding a beast down, and the horses, after they had once identified
+the particular beast they were to follow, turned and twisted with such
+unexpected suddenness that they nearly shot us both out of the saddle
+a dozen times. None of the pupils were yet able to use the lasso with
+certainty, though they spent hours in practising at a row of bullocks'
+skulls in the corral. In time a foreigner can learn to throw the lasso
+with all the skill of a born Argentine, but the use of the "bolas" is
+an art that must be acquired in childhood. I used to see some of the
+gauchos' children, little fellows of five or six, practising on the
+fowls with miniature toy bolas made of string, and they usually hit
+their mark. The bolas consist of pieces of raw hide shaped like the
+letter Y; at the extremities are two heavy lead balls, whilst at the
+base of the Y is a wooden ball which is held in the hand. The operator
+whirls the bolas round his head, and sends them flying at the
+objective with unfailing certainty, and the animal "emboladoed" drops
+as though shot through the head. I have seen these used on "outside
+camps," but on a well-managed estancia, such as Espartillar, the use
+of the bolas is strictly prohibited, since it tends to break the
+animal's leg. The only time I ever saw them employed there, was
+against a peculiarly aggressive male ostrich, who attacked all
+intruders into his particular domain with the utmost ferocity. The
+bird fell like a dead thing, and he assumed a very chastened demeanour
+after this lesson. The South American ostrich, the Rhea, though
+smaller and less dangerous than his big African cousin, can be most
+pugnacious when he is rearing a family of young chicks. I advisedly
+say "he," for the hen ostrich, once she has hatched her eggs,
+considers all her domestic obligations fulfilled, and disappears to
+have a good gossip with her lady friends, leaving to her husband the
+task of attending to the young brood. The male bird is really
+dangerous at this time, for his forward kick is terrifically powerful.
+The ostrich can run faster than any horse, but it is quite easy to
+circumvent any charging bird. All that is necessary is to turn one's
+horse quickly at right angles; the ostrich has such way on him that he
+is unable to pull up, and goes tearing on a hundred yards beyond his
+objective before he can change his direction. This manoeuvre repeated
+two or three times leaves the bird discomfited; as they would say in
+Ireland, "You have him beat." I confess that I have never seen an
+ostrich bury his head in the sand to blind himself to any impending
+danger, as he is traditionally supposed to do; I fancy that this is a
+libel on a fairly sagacious bird, and that in reality the practice is
+entirely confined to politicians.
+
+The Argentine Republic is peculiar in possessing a venomous toad,
+equipped like a snake with regular poison-glands and fangs. He is
+known in the vernacular as escuerzo, and is rather a handsome
+creature, wearing a green black-striped coat. I am told by learned
+people that he is not a true toad, that his proper name is
+_Ceratophrys ornata_, and that he is a cannibal, feeding on
+harmless frogs and toads which he kills with his poison-fangs. There
+was a plentiful supply of these creatures at Espartillar, and the
+pupils, when they found an escuerzo, loved to tease him with a stick.
+He is probably the worse-tempered and most irritable batrachian known,
+and when prodded with a stick would puff himself out, and work himself
+into a hideous passion. Every one went about high-booted, and possibly
+his fangs were not powerful enough to penetrate a boot, but, anyhow,
+he never made the attempt; he tried to snap at the hands instead, and
+as he could only jump up a foot or so, he continued making a series of
+abortive little leaps, each futile attempt at reaching his aggressor's
+hands adding to the creature's insane rage. When the escuerzo was
+beside himself with fury, the pupil would dip his stick into the oily
+residue of his pipe, and hold it out to the toad, who would fasten on
+to it like a mad creature, only to die in a few seconds of the
+nicotine.
+
+The only other venomous reptile was the _Vibora de la Cruz_, the
+"Viper with the Cross," much dreaded by the gauchos.
+
+It is an interesting sight seeing wild young horses being broken-in,
+and receiving their first instruction in the service of man. The
+rough-rider at Espartillar was a younger brother of the manager's, a
+short, sturdy, round-faced, grinning Cornish lad of eighteen, a youth
+of large appetite, but of few words, universally known as "The Joven,"
+which merely means "the lad." "Joven," by the way, is pronounced
+"Hoven," with a slight guttural sound before the "H." The Joven,
+having met with no serious accidents during the two years he had
+officiated as roughrider, had kept his nerve, and was still young
+enough to enjoy his hazardous duties most thoroughly.
+
+He always had a large gallery of spectators, for every one on the
+estancia who could manage it trooped to the corral to criticise and to
+pass judgment. The sun-browned Joven, who preferred riding without
+stirrups, would appear, stripped to his drawers and vest, shod with
+canvas _alpargates_, with a _revenque_, or short raw-hide whip, in his
+hand. A young horse, who had hitherto run wild, would be let in and
+lassoed, with a second lasso thrown over his hind legs. Before
+tightening the lassoes the men threw a _recado_, or soft leather saddle
+on him, the Joven tugging at the string-girths until the unfortunate
+grass-fed animal looked like a wasp. The lassoes were tautened, and the
+youngster thrown over on his side. The Joven, grinning cheerfully, then
+forced a thong of raw hide into his unwilling pupil's mouth, whilst the
+young horse, half-mad with terror, rolled his eyes impotently. The
+Joven, standing astride over the fallen animal, half-dancing on his
+toes in his canvas shoes, would shout to the men to slacken the heel-
+rope, and then to let go the head-rope. As the terrified animal
+struggled to his feet, the Joven slipped nimbly on to the _recado_.
+Then came a brief pause, as the horse puzzled over the unaccustomed
+weight on his back, and those abominable girths that were cutting him
+in two, till, with his head between his knees, and his back arched like
+a bow, up he went vertically into the air, landing on all four feet.
+That irksome weight was still there, and he had received a sharp cut
+with some unknown instrument, but it might be worth while trying it
+again. So up he went a second time, the Joven grinning from ear to ear,
+but sitting like a rock, then, as it was as well to teach a young horse
+that bucking entailed punishment, the _revenque_ descended smartly two
+or three times, and a _revenque_ hurts. The puzzled youngster did
+not like it, and thought that he would try rolling for a change. The
+Joven slipped off with the dexterity of an acrobat, and dancing about
+on his toes, chose his moment, and was again on the horse's back as he
+rose. Then came a real contest and trial of skill between the
+four-legged and two-legged youngsters, as the horse began kicking
+furiously, and then reared, but do what he would that tiresome weight
+was still on his back, and there was an unaccustomed pressure on his
+sides. The Joven, his sun-baked round face wreathed in grins, as
+though he were having the time of his life, was now using his
+_revenque_ in earnest, and the young horse decided that he would
+prefer to try a gallop at full speed. Off he went like an arrow from a
+bow, the Joven dexterously guiding him through the entrance to the
+corral, partly with the thong of raw hide, in part with light strokes
+of the _revenque_ on the side of the head, and they disappeared
+in a dense cloud of dust over the limitless "camp." A quarter of an
+hour later they reappeared, the horse cantering quietly, and the boy,
+still grinning like a Cheshire cat, sitting quite loosely, with his
+legs dangling, as though he were in an arm-chair. The Joven slid to
+the ground, and commenced talking to the horse in Spanish, as he
+stroked his head. "_Pingo! Pingo!_" he cried, as he stroked him,
+the word _Pingo_ being supposed in the Argentine, for some
+unknown reason, to exercise a magically soothing influence over a
+horse, and then, removing the raw-hide thong from the youngster's
+mouth, he unsaddled him and turned him loose with a resounding smack
+on his quarters, leaving him to meditate on the awful things that may
+befall a young horse when he attempts to misbehave. The light-hearted
+Joven, dripping with perspiration, wiped the sweat from his eyes, and,
+with unabated cheerfulness, took stock of the second animal he was to
+school, for he was to give three lessons that morning. When they were
+over, the youth's own mother would not have known him, so caked with
+dust and perspiration was he. He made his way to the swimming-bath,
+still cheerful and smiling, determined not to miss the midday meal by
+one second, for, like all the heroines of Mr. E. F. Benson's novels,
+the eighteen-year-old Joven was afflicted with a perpetual voracious
+hunger. When I complimented him at dinner on his very skilful
+performance, the Joven, being in a loquacious mood, said, after a
+pause for thought, "Oh, yes," beamed with friendliness, and promptly
+devoured another plateful of beef. I asked him whether he never
+regretted the quiet of his father's Cornish farm, in view of the
+strenuous exertions his duties as rough-rider at Espartillar imposed
+on him. The Joven knocked out his pipe, lit another, thought for five
+minutes, and then said, "No, it's fun," displaying every tooth in his
+head as he did so as a proof that his conversational brevity was due
+not to a surly disposition, but to the limitations of his vocabulary.
+
+The pupils at Espartillar were exceedingly well treated. The house was
+most comfortably furnished, and contained a full-sized English
+billiard-table, two pianos, a plentiful supply of books, and a barrel-
+organ, for this was many years before the birth of the gramophone. It
+is the singular custom on most estancias to kill beef for six months
+of the year, and mutton for the remaining six, which entails a certain
+monotony of diet. We had fallen in for the beef-eating half-year, but
+the French wife of the English estancia-carpenter officiated as cook,
+and she had all the culinary genius of her countrywomen. Above all she
+avoided those twin abominations "Ajo" and "Aji," or garlic and green
+chilli, which Argentines cram into every dish, thus making them
+hideously unpalatable to Northern Europeans.
+
+In an absolutely treeless land, without any coal measures, fuel is one
+of the greatest difficulties of camp life. In my time, in the city of
+Buenos Ayres, all the coal came from England, and cost, delivered, 5
+pounds a ton. Its cost in the country, hauled for perhaps twenty miles
+over the roadless camp, would be prohibitive, and there was no wood to
+be had. For this reason, on every estancia there were some ten acres
+planted with peach trees. It seems horribly wasteful to cut down peach
+trees for fuel, but they grow very rapidly, burn admirably, and whilst
+they are standing the owner gets an unlimited supply of peaches for
+pickling and preserving. The soil of the Argentine suits peaches, and
+both sorts, the pink-fleshed European "free-stone" and the American
+yellow-fleshed "cling-stone," do splendidly. In Spanish, the former
+are called _melocotones_, the latter _duraznos_. At Espartillar there
+were quite twenty acres of peach trees, and when Lyon and I wished to
+be of use, the manager frequently asked us to hitch-up the wagon, and
+bring him in a few sackfuls of peaches for preserving.
+
+Espartillar boasted a great neglected wilderness of a garden, as
+untidy and unkempt as a fashionable pianist's hair, but growing the
+most wonderful collection of fruit. Here pears, peaches, lemons,
+guavas, and strawberries flourished equally well in the accommodating
+Argentine climate, and the pears of South America, the famous _peras
+de agua_, must be tasted before their excellence can be imagined.
+The garden was traversed by an avenue of fine eucalyptus trees,
+amongst whose dusky foliage little screaming green parrakeets darted
+in and out all day long, like flashes of vivid emerald light. The
+garden was also, unfortunately, the favourite recreation-ground of a
+family of lively skunks, and the skunk is an animal whose terrific
+offensive powers necessitate extreme caution in approaching him.
+Should a young dog unwarily attempt to tackle a skunk, he had to be
+rigorously quarantined for a fortnight, for otherwise the
+inexpressibly sickening odour was unendurable.
+
+Beyond the garden enclosure, the dun-coloured expanse of treeless
+featureless camp stretched its endless flat levels to the horizon, the
+wooden posts supporting the wire fences being the only sign that man
+had ever invaded these vast solitudes. Our minds are so constituted
+that we set bounds to everything, for everything to which we are
+accustomed has limits; one had a perpetual feeling that were one only
+to ride over the camp long enough, towns and human habitations must be
+reached somewhere. A glance at the map showed that this was not so.
+Due south one could have ridden hundreds of miles with no variations
+whatever to mark the distances achieved. This endless camp had
+apparently no beginning and no end; it was as though one had suddenly
+come face to face with Eternity.
+
+All my experiences, however, are thirty years old. I believe that now,
+within a radius of fifty miles from Buenos Ayres, most of the camp has
+been broken up and ploughed. Growing wheat now covers the vast
+khaki-coloured plains I recollect dotted with roving herds of cattle.
+The picturesque and half-savage Gaucho, who lived entirely on meat,
+and would have scorned to have walked even a hundred yards on foot,
+has been replaced by the Italian agricultural labourer, who lives on
+_polenta_ and macaroni, and will cheerfully trudge any distance
+to his work. The great solitudes have gone, for with tillage there
+must be roads now, and villages, and together with the solitudes the
+wonderful teeming bird-life must have vanished, too.
+
+I prefer to recollect the Espartillar I knew, a place of unending
+spaces and glorious sunshine, with air almost as intoxicating as wine,
+where innumerable spurred plovers screamed raucously all day long,
+where the little ground-owls blinked unceasingly at the edge of their
+burrows; where bronze-green ibises flashed through the sunlight, and
+rose-coloured spoonbills trailed in pink streaks across the blue sky,
+as they flew in single file from one _laguna_ to another. That
+marvellous bird-life was worth travelling seven thousand miles to see;
+wheatfields can be seen anywhere.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+Difficulties of an Argentine railway engineer--Why Argentina has the
+Irish gauge--A sudden contrast--A more violent contrast--Names and
+their obligations--Capetown--The thoroughness of the Dutch pioneers--A
+dry and thirsty land--The beautiful Dutch Colonial houses--The
+Huguenot refugees--The Rhodes Fruit Farms--Surf-riding--Groote
+Schuur--General Botha--The Rhodes Memorial--The episode of the Sick
+Boy--A visit from Father Neptune--What pluck will do.
+
+
+A railway engineer in the Argentine Republic is confronted with
+peculiar difficulties. In the first place, in a treeless country there
+is obviously no wood for sleepers. A thousand miles up the giant
+Parana there are vast tracts of forest, but either the wood is
+unsuited for railway-sleepers, or the means of transport are lacking,
+so the engineer is forced to use iron pot-sleepers for supporting his
+rails. These again require abundant ballast, and there is no ballast
+in a country devoid of stone and with a soil innocent of the smallest
+pebble. The engineer can only use burnt clay to ballast his road, and
+as a result the dust on an Argentine railway defies description. In my
+time, when carriages of the English type were in use, the atmosphere
+after an hour's run was as thick as a dense London November fog, and
+after five or six hours' travelling the passengers alighted with faces
+as black as niggers'. Whilst waiting for a train, its approach would
+be announced by a vast pillar of dust appearing in the distance. This
+pillar of dust seemed almost to reach the sky, and any passengers of
+Hebraic origin must really have imagined themselves back in the Sinai
+peninsula, and must have wondered why the dusky pillar was approaching
+them instead of leading them on.
+
+The difficulties connected with the working of railways did not end
+here. Most people know that a swarm of locusts can stop a train, for
+the bodies of these pests are full of grease, and after the
+engine-wheels have crushed countless thousands of locusts, the wheels
+become so coated with oil that they merely revolve, and refuse to grip
+the rails. Let the driver open his sand-box never so widely, the
+wheels cannot bite, and so the train comes to a standstill. Oddly
+enough, a bird, too, causes a great deal of trouble. The "oven-bird"
+makes a large domed nest of clay, the size of a cocoa-nut. In that
+treeless land the oven-birds look on telegraph-posts as specially
+provided by a benign Providence to afford them eligible nesting-sites,
+and from some perversity of instinct, or perhaps attracted by the
+gleam of the white earthenware, they invariably select one of the
+porcelain insulators as the site of their future home, and proceed to
+coat it laboriously with clay, thus effectually destroying the
+insulation. Now the working of a single-line is entirely dependent on
+the telegraph, and the oven-birds, with their misplaced zeal, were
+continually interrupting telegraphic communication, so on the Great
+Southern Railway of Buenos Ayres every single telegraph-post was
+surmounted with a wooden box, mutely proclaiming itself the most
+desirable building-site that heart of bird could wish for, and
+silently offering whatever equivalents to a gravel soil and a southern
+aspect could suggest themselves to the avian intelligence. In spite of
+this these misguided fowls retained their affection for the
+insulators, and the Great Southern had during the nesting season to
+employ a gang of men to tear the nests down.
+
+Unlike the majority of railways, both in North and South America,
+which have adopted the 4 ft. 8-1/2 ins. gauge, the standard gauge of
+the Argentine Republic is the Irish one of 5 ft. 3 ins., and the
+reason of this is rather singular. In 1855, during the Crimean War, a
+short railway was laid down from Balaclava to the British lines. The
+firm of contractors who built this railway for the British Government
+had constructed some three years previously a small railway in
+Ireland, for which they had never been paid. They accordingly seized
+the engines and rolling-stock, which, owing to the difference in
+gauge, were useless in England. It occurred to the contractors that
+they might utilise this material by building the Crimean Railway to
+the Irish gauge of 5 ft. 3 ins., and they accordingly proceeded to do
+so. Two years after the Crimean War the same firm secured the contract
+for building the first railway in the Argentine, a short line,
+twenty-one miles long, from Buenos Ayres to the River Tigre. As they
+considered that their Crimean rolling-stock was still in good order,
+they obtained permission to build the Tigre Railway to the Irish
+gauge, and these much-travelled coaches and engines which had started
+their railway career in Ireland, were shipped from the Crimea to the
+Plate, and eventually found themselves, to their vast surprise,
+rolling between Buenos Ayres and Tigre. The first time that I was in
+Buenos Ayres, in 1883, two of the original Crimean engines were still
+running on this little railway, the "Balaclava" and the "Eupatoria,"
+the latter re-christened "Presidente Mitre." The newer railways
+followed the lead of the pioneer, and so it comes about that Ireland
+and the Argentine Republic have the same standard gauge.
+
+The vast solitudes of Espartillar were within eight hours of Buenos
+Ayres, three by wagon and five by rail, so it was possible to wander
+out one night to the star-lit camp, where the silence was only broken
+by the screech of an occasional night-bird, or the beat of the wings
+of myriads of flighting ducks, without the slightest trace of man or
+his works perceptible in the great, grey, still, unpeopled world, and
+to be sitting the next night in evening clothes in a garish,
+over-gilt, over-decorated restaurant, humming with the clatter of
+plates and the chatter of high-pitched Argentine voices, as a noisy
+string-band played selections from the latest Paris operette. It was
+difficult to realise that this ostentatiously modern town, with its
+meretricious glitter, and its population of pale-faced town-breds, was
+only a hundred miles from the place where, amongst brown, sunburnt
+folk, we had been living a primitive life tempered by quiet
+transplanted English comfort.
+
+To me there is always something rather attractive in sudden contrasts
+in surroundings. My memory goes back forty years to Russia, when I was
+on a bear-shooting expedition with Sir Robert Kennedy. Kennedy had
+killed two bears, and we were making our way back to Petrograd that
+night, for next evening there was to be one of the famous "Bals des
+Palmiers" at the Winter Palace which we neither of us wished to miss.
+So it came about that one evening we were sitting in a two-roomed
+peasant's house, thigh-booted and flannel-shirted, in the roughest of
+clothes, devouring sustenance for our night's sledge journey out of
+pieces of newspaper by the light of a little smoky oil-lamp, whilst
+around us stood half the village, whispering endless comments, and
+gaping open-eyed on those mysterious strangers from the unknown world
+outside Russia. The room was lined with rough unpainted boards nailed
+over the log walls; one quarter of it was occupied by a huge stove, on
+the top of which the children were sleeping; it was very dirty, and
+the heat in combination with the fetid atmosphere was almost
+unendurable. A dimly lit picture, all in sombre browns, relieved by
+the scarlet shirts of the men, and the gaudy printed calicoes of the
+women, just visible in the uncertain light of the flickering lamp, and
+of the red glow from the stove. Then came an all-night drive in
+sledges through the interminable forest of pines, the piercing cold
+lashing our faces like a whip, and the stars blazing in the great
+expanse of dull-polished steel above us with that hard diamond-like
+radiance they only assume when the thermometer is down below zero.
+
+Twenty-four hours later we were both in the vast halls of the Winter
+Palace in full uniform, as bedizened with gold as a _nouveau riche's_
+drawing-room. Though the world outside may have been frost-bound,
+Winter's domain stopped at the threshold of the Palace, for once
+inside, banks of growing hyacinths and tulips bloomed bravely, and the
+big palms, from which the balls derived their name, stood aligned down
+the great halls, as though they were in their native South Sea Isles,
+with a supper-table for twelve persons arranged under each of them.
+Those "Bals des Palmiers" were really like a scene from the Arabian
+Nights, what with the varied uniforms of the men, the impressive
+Russian Court dresses of the women, the jewels, the lights, and the
+masses of flowers. The immense scale of everything in the Winter Palace
+added to the effect, and the innumerable rooms, some of them of
+gigantic size, rather gained in dignity by being sparsely tenanted, for
+only 1,500 people were asked to the "Palmiers." There was nothing like
+it anywhere else in Europe, and no one now living will ever look on so
+brilliant a scene, set in so vast a _cadre_. There was really a marked
+contrast between the two consecutive evenings Kennedy and I had spent
+together.
+
+One of the ladies of the British Embassy in Petrograd inquired of a
+Court official what the cost of a "Bal des Palmiers" amounted to. The
+chamberlain replied that for 1,500 people the cost would be about
+9,000 pounds, working out at 6 pounds per head. This included a special
+train all the way from Nice with growing and cut flowers, and another
+special train from the Crimea with fruit. A very expensive item was the
+carriage by road from Tsarskoe Selo of one hundred specially grown
+large palm trees in specially constructed frost-proof vans; there was
+also the heavy cost of the supper and wine, which for the "Bals des
+Palmiers" was provided on a far more sumptuous scale than at the
+ordinary Court entertainments and balls.
+
+Ichabod! Ichabod!
+
+Certain names carry their own responsibilities; for instance, when a
+town proudly proclaimed itself the "City of Good Airs" it should live
+up to its title. The Buenos Ayres of the early "eighties" was a
+notoriously insanitary place without any system of proper drainage.
+Some of the "Good Airs" fairly knocked one down when one encountered
+them. That has all now been rectified; Buenos Ayres is at present
+admirably drained, and is one of the healthiest cities of South
+America.
+
+Certain names, again, have their drawbacks. Helen Lady Dufferin, the
+mother of my old Chief and godfather, was the grand-daughter of
+Richard Brinsley Sheridan, and in common with her two sisters, the
+Duchess of Somerset and Mrs. Norton, she had inherited her full share
+of the Sheridan wit. As I have pointed out elsewhere, people of a
+certain class in London maintained in those days far closer relations
+with persons of a corresponding class in Paris than is the custom now.
+Lady Dufferin had innumerable friends in Paris, and amongst the oldest
+of these friends was Comte Joseph de Noailles. Whenever the Comte de
+Noailles came to London, Lady Dufferin was the first person he went to
+see. When they were both in their old age, the Comte de Noailles
+arrived in London, and, as usual, went to dine with his friend of many
+years. As it was a warm evening in July, he walked to Lady Dufferin's
+house from his hotel, carrying his overcoat on his arm. On leaving the
+house, the old gentleman forgot his cloak, and Lady Dufferin received
+a note the next morning asking her to be good enough to send back the
+cloak by the bearer. The note was signed "Joseph de Noailles." Lady
+Dufferin returned the cloak with this message, "Monsieur, lorsqu' on a
+le malheur de s'appeler Joseph, on ne laisse pas son manteau chez une
+dame."
+
+Joseph naturally suggests Egypt, and Egypt recalls Africa, and on the
+whole African continent there is surely no more delectable spot than
+the Cape peninsula. Capetown with its suburbs is dominated everywhere
+by the gigantic flat-topped rock of Table Mountain. Go where you will
+amongst the most splendid woodland, coast and mountain scenery in the
+world, that ever-changing rampart of rock is still the central
+feature. Jan Van Riebeck, the original Dutch pioneer of 1652, must
+have yielded to the irresistible claims of Table Bay as a harbour with
+a very bad grace, before founding his new settlement on the slopes of
+Table Mountain. Every racial and inherited instinct in him must have
+positively itched to select in preference some nice low swampy site,
+for choice in the Cape Flats, if not actually below sea-level, at all
+events at sea-level, where substantial brick dams could be erected
+against the encroaching waters, where he could construct an elaborate
+system of canals, and where windmills would have to pump day and night
+to prevent the place becoming submerged. The Dutch, both in Java and
+in Demerara, had yielded to this misplaced affection for a sea-level
+site, and had constructed Batavia and Georgetown strictly according to
+their racial ideals, with a prodigal abundance of canals. Though this
+doubtless gave the settlers a home-like feeling, the canal-intersected
+town of Batavia is so unhealthy under a broiling tropical sun that it
+has been virtually abandoned as a place of residence.
+
+Capetown has none of the raw, unfinished aspect so many Colonial towns
+wear, but has a solid, grave dignity of its own, and its suburbs are
+unquestionably charming. The settled, permanent look of the town is
+perhaps due to the fact that there is not a single wooden house or
+fence in Capetown, everything is of substantial brick, stone and iron.
+The Dutch were admirable town-planners; since the country has been in
+British hands our national haphazard carelessness has asserted itself,
+and the city has been extended without any apparent design whatever. I
+was certainly not prepared for the magnificent groves of oaks which
+are such a feature of Capetown and its vicinity. These oaks, far
+larger than any to which we are accustomed, bear witness to the
+painstaking thoroughness of the Dutch. Before an oak capable of
+withstanding the arid climate and burning sun of South Africa could be
+produced, it had to be crossed and re-crossed many times. The existing
+stately tree is the fruit of this patient labour; it grows at twice
+the pace of our oaks, and attains far larger dimensions; it is quite
+useless as a timber tree, but produces enormous acorns which, in windy
+weather, descend in showers from the trees and batter the corrugated
+iron roofs of the houses with a noise like an air-raid.
+
+The Union of South Africa is unfortunate in having the great range of
+the Drakensberg running parallel to the coastline for hundreds of
+miles, for until the Zambesi is reached there are practically no
+navigable rivers at all. This barrier mountain range, and the
+recklessness of the early settlers in cutting down the forests, are
+together responsible for the aridity of South Africa. She is, indeed,
+as Ezekiel said of old, "planted in the wilderness, in a dry and
+thirsty ground." The Cape peninsula is comparatively well-watered;
+between the giant rocky buttresses of Table Mountain little clear
+streams gush down, and there are several brooks, proudly termed
+"rivers" locally, quite visible to the naked eye. Everything in this
+world is relative. I remember at Alkmaar in North Holland ascending an
+artificial mound perhaps seventy feet high, planted with trees. In the
+dead-flat expanse of the Low Countries, this hillock is looked on by
+the natives of Alkmaar much as Mont Blanc is regarded by the
+inhabitants of Geneva, with feelings of profound veneration; so in
+South Africa the tiniest brooklet is the source of immense pride to
+the dwellers on its banks, and rightly so, for it is the very
+life-blood of the district, and literally Isaiah's "rivers of water in
+a dry place." I always carefully avoided any allusion to the sixteen
+different burns running through the park at Baron's Court, for it
+might have looked like arrogance to boast of this super-abundance of
+water in my old home, where, between ourselves, a wholly dry day was
+rather a notable rarity. Where the aridity is most noticeable is in
+the great oak and fir woods at Groote Schuur, the lordly
+pleasure-house which Cecil Rhodes built for himself at Rondebosch,
+under the slopes of the Devil's Peak. Here, under the trees, the
+ground is absolutely bare; not even the faintest sign of grass, not
+the smallest scrap of vegetation. Rondebosch Parish Church might have
+been lifted bodily from England; it is an exceedingly handsome
+building of a very familiar type, yet in the churchyard there was not
+one blade of green; nothing but naked earth between the graves.
+Fortunately the Australian myrtle has been introduced, a shrub that
+can apparently dispense with moisture, so thanks to it every garden in
+the Capetown suburbs is surrounded by a hedge of vivid perennial
+green. These suburbs have a wonderfully home-like look, embowered as
+they are in oak trees, and the buildings are all of the solid familiar
+type; even the very railway stations, except for their nameboards,
+might be at Wandsworth Common, Balham, or Barnes, instead of at
+Rosebank, Rondebosch, and Claremont, though Balham and Barnes are not
+fortunate enough to have the purple ramparts of Table Mountain or the
+Devil's Peak towering over them, whilst, on the other hand, they
+fortunately escape the all-pervading South African dust.
+
+I like the name "The Tavern of the Ocean," formerly given to Capetown;
+and what a welcome break it must have afforded in the wearisome voyage
+from Europe to the Dutch East Indies, or to India proper! The
+Netherlands Dutch seem only to have regarded it as a half-way house, a
+sort of unimportant railway "halt" between Europe and the East, where
+the necessary fresh water and green vegetables could be supplied to
+passing vessels. It was not until Simon Van der Stel was appointed
+Governor in 1678 that any idea of developing the Cape as a colony was
+ever entertained. Van der Stel has left his impress deep on the
+country. Though the vine had been already introduced by Van Riebeck,
+it is to Van der Stel that the special features of Cape scenery are
+due, for we owe to him the splendid groves of oak of to-day, and he
+originated the Dutch Colonial type of building, of which so many fine
+specimens still remain. These old Dutch houses are a constant puzzle
+to me. In most new countries the original white settlers content
+themselves with the most primitive kind of dwelling, for where there
+is so much work to be done the ornamental yields place to the
+necessary; but here, at the very extremity of the African continent,
+the Dutch pioneers created for themselves elaborate houses with
+admirable architectural details, houses recalling in some ways the
+_chateaux_ of the Low Countries. Where did they get the architects to
+design these buildings? Where did they find the trained craftsmen to
+execute the architects' designs? Why did the settlers, struggling with
+the difficulties of an untamed wilderness, require such large and
+ornate dwellings? I have never heard any satisfactory answers to these
+questions. Groot Constantia, originally the home of Simon Van der Stel,
+now the government wine-farm, and Morgenster, the home of Mrs. Van der
+Byl, would be beautiful buildings anywhere, but considering that they
+were both erected in the seventeenth century, in a land just emerging
+from barbarism seven thousand miles away from Europe, a land, too,
+where trained workmen must have been impossible to find, the very fact
+of their ever having come into existence at all leaves me in
+bewilderment.
+
+These Colonial houses, most admirably adapted to a warm climate,
+correspond to nothing in Holland, or even in Java. They are nearly all
+built in the shape of an H, either standing upright or lying on its
+side, the connecting bar of the H being occupied by the dining-room.
+They all stand on stoeps or raised terraces; they are always
+one-storied and thatched, and owe much of their effect to their
+gables, their many-paned, teak-framed windows, and their solid teak
+outside shutters. Their white-washed, gabled fronts are ornamented
+with pilasters and decorative plaster-work, and these dignified,
+perfectly proportioned buildings seem in absolute harmony with their
+surroundings. Still I cannot understand how they got erected, or why
+the original Dutch pioneers chose to house themselves in such lordly
+fashion. At Groot Constantia, which still retains its original
+furniture, the rooms are paved with black and white marble, and
+contain a wealth of great cabinets of the familiar Dutch type, of
+ebony mounted with silver, of stinkwood and brass, of oak and steel;
+one might be gazing at a Dutch interior by Jan Van de Meer, or by
+Peter de Hoogh, instead of at a room looking on to the Indian Ocean,
+and only eight miles distant from the Cape of Good Hope. How did these
+elaborate works of art come there? The local legend is that they were
+copied by slave labour from imported Dutch models, but I cannot
+believe that untrained Hottentots can ever have developed the
+craftsmanship and skill necessary to produce these fine pieces of
+furniture. I think it far more likely to be due to the influx of
+French Huguenot refugees in 1689, the Edict of Nantes having been
+revoked in 1685, the same year in which Simon Van der Stel began to
+build Groot Constantia. Wherever these French Huguenots settled they
+brought civilisation in their train, and proved a blessing to the
+country of their adoption. In England they taught us silk-weaving and
+clock-making, starting the one in Spitalfields, the other in
+Clerkenwell. In Dublin, where a strong colony of them settled, they
+introduced the making of tabinet, or "Irish poplin," and I am told
+that the much-sought-after "Irish" silver was almost entirely the work
+of French Huguenot refugees. Here, at the far-off Cape, the Huguenots
+settled in the valleys of the Drakenstein, of the Hottentot's Holland,
+and at French Hoek; and they made the wilderness blossom, and
+transformed its barren spaces into smiling wheatfields and oak-shaded
+vineyards. They incidentally introduced the dialect of Dutch known as
+"The Taal," for when the speaking of Dutch was made compulsory for
+them, they evolved a simplified form of the language more adapted to
+their French tongues. I suspect, too, that the artistic impulse which
+produced the dignified Colonial houses, and built so beautiful a town
+as Stellenbosch (a name with most painful associations for many
+military officers whose memories go back twenty years) must have come
+from the French. Stellenbosch, with its two-hundred-year-old houses,
+their fronts rich with elaborate plaster scroll-work, all its streets
+shaded with avenues of giant oaks and watered by two clear streams, is
+such an inexplicable town to find in a new country, for it might have
+hundreds of years of tradition behind it! Wherever they may have got
+it from, the artistic instinct of the old Cape Dutch is undeniable,
+for a hundred years after Van der Stel's time they imported the French
+architect Thibault and the Dutch sculptor Anton Anreith. To Anreith is
+due the splendid sculptured pediment over the Constantia wine-house
+illustrating the story of Ganymede, and all Thibault's buildings have
+great distinction; but still, being where they are, they are a
+perpetual surprise, for in a new country one does not expect such a
+high level of artistic achievement.
+
+Many of the fine old Colonial homesteads are grouped together in what
+are now the Rhodes Fruit Farms in the Drakenstein. So attractive are
+they that I do not wonder that a very near relative of mine has bought
+one of them for his son; and I envy my great-nephew who will one day
+sit under the shadow of his own vines and fig trees at Lormarins,
+amongst groves of peaches, apricots and plums. I cherish pleasant
+recollections of a visit to Boschendaal, also in the Fruit Farm
+district, a delightful old house, standing over a jungle of a garden
+where a brook babbles through thickets of orange and lemon trees, and
+amongst great tangles of bougainvillaa and pink oleanders, and in
+whose shady dining-hall I was hospitably entertained by a Dutch farmer
+on an omelette of ostrich's egg (one egg is enough for six people), on
+"most-bolajie" (bread made with sweet new wine instead of with water),
+and other local delicacies, including "mabos," or alternate slices of
+dry salted peaches and dry sweetened apricots. This condiment is
+cynically known as married life. In the _voorhuis_ of Boschendaal
+lay nineteen fine leopard skins, and Mr. Louw, the courtly mannered
+old farmer, who would be described by his countrymen as an "oprechter
+Burger," explained to me in slow and laborious English that he had
+killed every one of these leopards with his own hand within one mile
+of his own house.
+
+A most attractive land were it not for the aridity. Should I settle
+there I should be forever regretfully recalling the lush greenery of
+English meadows in June, or of English woods in spring-time.
+
+Just conceive of Van der Stel's astonishment when he first reached the
+Cape! He must have been used to a small, dead-flat, water-logged land,
+with odoriferous canals at every turn, and thousands of windmills
+pumping day and night for all they were worth to keep the country
+afloat at all; after a voyage of seven thousand miles he found himself
+in a land of mighty mountain ranges, of vast, illimitable distances,
+parched by a fierce sun, and nearly waterless. It must have needed
+immense courage to start the founding of a New Holland in such (to
+him) uncongenial surroundings. As a tribute to the adaptable South
+African climate, I may say that I have myself seen, on Sir Thomas
+Smartt's well-watered farm, apple trees and orange trees fruiting and
+ripening in the same field.
+
+When I was invited to go surf-bathing at Muizenberg, I rubbed my
+eyes, for I had vague ideas that this pastime was confined to South
+Sea Islanders. Recollections of Ballantyne's books crowded in on me;
+of apparently harmless sandal-wood traders, who unblushingly doubled
+the part of bloodthirsty pirates with their peaceful avocations; of
+bevies of swarthy but merry maidens rolling in on their planks on the
+top of vast surges; of possibly some hideous banquet of taro roots and
+"long pig" (baked over hot stones under a cover of plantain leaves) to
+follow on these primitive pastimes; even perhaps of some coloured
+captive maiden, wreathed in hibiscus flowers, loudly proclaiming her
+distaste at the idea of being compulsorily converted into "long pig."
+I should, of course, have had to rescue her after exhibiting prodigies
+of valour, to find this dumb but devoted damsel clinging to me like a
+leech, remaining a most embarrassing appendage until she had learned
+sufficient English to answer "I will," when I could have united her to
+a suitable mate, a copper-coloured yet contented bride.
+
+When Capetown swelters in heat, Muizenberg is generally ten degrees
+cooler, though, most obligingly, the water of the Indian Ocean at
+Muizenberg is ten degrees warmer than that of the Atlantic at
+Capetown, owing to the Antarctic current setting in to the latter.
+
+At Muizenberg we found half the population of South Africa in the
+water in front of the biggest bathing-house I have ever seen. The
+handling of the surf-plank requires some care, for it is a short,
+heavy board, and in the back-wash is apt to fly back on the unwary,
+hitting them on their food-receptacle, and effectually (to use a
+schoolboy term) "bagging their wind." You walk out in the shoal water
+up to your shoulders, and as a big sea comes in, you throw yourself
+chest foremost on to your plank, and are then carried along on the top
+of the roller at the pace of a leisurely train (an Isle of Wight
+train), to be deposited with a bang on the sandy beach. It is really
+capital fun, but alas for my flower-wreathed South Sea Island maidens!
+Excluding our own party I only saw many amply waisted ladies
+disporting themselves staidly in the water, and the surrounding
+cinemas and tea-shops might have been at Brighton, except that they
+were far smarter and much better kept. Owing to the strongly marked
+facial characteristics of some of the customers in these places, who
+were mostly from Johannesburg, I at first imagined that I must have
+wandered inadvertently into Jerusalem, or that I had perhaps drifted
+to some fashionable health resort on the shores of the Dead Sea.
+
+Groote Schuur, the stately house built by Cecil Rhodes for himself,
+and by his will bequeathed as the official home of the Premier of
+South Africa, became very familiar to me. These modern adaptations of
+the Dutch Colonial style have one marked advantage over their
+originals. In the old houses the stoep is merely an uncovered terrace
+on which the house stands. In the modern houses the stoep is a shady,
+pillared, covered gallery, which in hot weather becomes the general
+living-room of the family. Having built his house, Cecil Rhodes
+employed agents to hunt up in Holland fine specimens of genuine old
+Dutch furniture with which to plenish it. Some of these agents surely
+exceeded their instructions in the matter of grandfather clocks. They
+must have absolutely denuded the Low Countries of these useful
+timepieces, for at every step at Groote Schuur a fresh solemn-faced
+Dutch clock ticks gravely away, to remind one how time is passing.
+Rhodes collected a very fine library, but he had a curious fad for
+typewritten copies of his favourite books, which fill an entire
+bookcase in the library. Rhodes paid an immense price for the splendid
+set of seventeenth-century Brussels tapestries in the dining-room,
+illustrating the "Discovery of Africa," and the magnificent Cordova
+leather in the drawing-room must also have been a costly acquisition.
+The deep ravine running beside the house he had planted with blue
+hydrangeas throughout its length; when these are in flower,
+interspersed with scarlet and orange cannas, they form the most
+glorious mass of colour imaginable, as do the hedges of pink and white
+oleanders in the garden, each one with its smaller, attendant clipped
+hedge of pale-blue plumbago.
+
+To me, I confess, the most interesting thing in the house was General
+Botha himself. When he talked of the future of South Africa in slow,
+rather laboured English (for this medium was always a little difficult
+for him), one felt that one was in the presence of a really great man.
+His transparent honesty, and his obvious sincerity of purpose, stood
+out as clearly as his strong common sense. On looking at his powerful,
+almost stern, face, one realised that here was a man who would allow
+nothing to turn him from his purpose once he was convinced that he was
+right; a man, too, to whom anything in the way of underhand intrigue,
+or backstairs negotiations, would be temperamentally repugnant. The
+chivalrous foeman had become the most loyal ally, and an ally of whom
+the entire British Empire should be proud. There was nothing tortuous
+about the farmer turned soldier, and the soldier turned statesman.
+
+Of Mrs. Botha I should not like to say too much, lest I might be
+accused of flattery. As I shall presently relate, she was wonderfully
+kind to a very sick lad whom I brought out to Africa with me.
+
+There is a curious custom in South Africa of drinking tea at eleven
+o'clock in the morning. So engrained is the habit that the streets of
+Capetown at eleven o'clock are black with business men rushing from
+their offices to the nearest tea-shop in search of this reviving
+draught; in fact, I believe that in offices there is a rigid line of
+demarcation between the seniors who go out for this indispensable cup
+of tea and the juniors who have to have it brought them.
+
+At Groote Schuur at eleven o'clock there was always a great gathering
+for this important ceremony, and naturally the Dutch element usually
+predominated. I could never find any trace of racial bitterness
+amongst the men; with some of the women it was rather different.
+Onlookers are apt to be more bitterly partisan than those who have
+taken actual part in the conflict.
+
+A mile or so from Groote Schuur House stands the beautiful Rhodes
+Memorial, on the slopes of the Devil's Peak. This austere temple of
+milk-white granite, with the great flight of steps flanked by bronze
+lions leading up to it, and its backing of pine trees, is in absolute
+harmony with its surroundings, and its very severity seems typical of
+the rugged energy of the man whose memory it commemorates. I cannot
+help wishing, though, that Mr. Herbert Baker, its architect, had built
+it on rather a larger scale, for its gigantic environment appears to
+dwarf the monument when seen from a few miles off. Watts's figure of
+"Physical Energy," to be appreciated, must be seen here in the
+position for which it was designed. Standing at the foot of the great
+flight of stairs, with its background of purple mountain, and Africa
+stretching away endlessly below it, it is really magnificent. The
+replica erected in Kensington Gardens, and placed with singular
+infelicity on grass between an avenue of elm trees, gives but little
+idea of the effect of the original, towering high over what Rhodes
+maintained was the finest view in the world, a view extending over the
+immense expanse of the Cape Flats, and embracing two oceans, with the
+splendid mountains of Hottentot's Holland in the background. If the
+bronze rider, gazing with shaded eyes over the Africa that Rhodes
+loved, is typical of his life, the calm white austerity of the temple
+in the background seems symbolical of the peace which that restless
+soul has now found.
+
+The vineyards, oaks and wheatfields of the comparatively well-watered
+Cape peninsula are not representative of the rest of the Union. Once
+the train has laboriously clambered 3,000 feet up the Hex River Pass,
+real Africa commences. Endless tracts of rolling arid veld, with an
+atmosphere so clear that it is impossible for a newcomer to determine
+whether the kopje seen in the distance is five miles, ten miles, or
+twenty miles away. I quite understand the fascination of these bare
+stretches of veld and the irresistible attraction which Africa
+exercises over her children, for it is unlike anything else in the
+world.
+
+I have a theory that when Moses "removed the swarms of flies from
+Pharaoh," he banished them to the southern extremity of the continent,
+where the flies, imagining that their services might some day be
+required again to plague the Egyptians, have kept themselves in a
+constant state of mobilisation ever since. In no other way can the
+plague of flies in South Africa be accounted for.
+
+The wonderful effect of the dry air of the Cape peninsula, and of the
+drier air of the High Veld in cases of tuberculosis is a matter of
+common knowledge, for was not Cecil Rhodes himself a standing example
+of an almost miraculous recovery? All of which brings me to the
+episode of the Sick Boy, and if I dwell on it at some length I do so
+intentionally for the comfort and better encouragement of those
+battling with the same disease. I first met the Sick Boy (hereinafter
+for the sake of brevity termed the "S.B.") at the house of one of my
+oldest friends, who had an annual cricket-party for the benefit of his
+son. Amongst the schoolboy eleven staying in the house was a tall and
+very thin lad of sixteen, who showed great promise as a bowler. My
+hostess told me that this boy was suffering from tuberculosis, that he
+had had to leave Eton at fifteen to undergo a very severe internal
+operation from which he had only just recovered, and that when the
+party broke up, he was going straight into a nursing-home to prepare
+for another equally severe operation. Every time he played cricket he
+had to be put to bed at once after the match, and to be fed on warm
+milk. The lad had tremendous pluck; in spite of his weakness he
+insisted on taking part in the games and amusements of the other boys,
+and proved very good at all of them.
+
+Three years later I met the S.B. again. He had spent the interval
+entirely in sanatoria and nursing-homes, except for a few months at
+St. Moritz in the Engadine, and had undergone six major operations,
+the last one entailing the removal of his left ear, though the
+external ear had been left. The unfortunate lad, who seemed to have
+had most of the working "spare parts" of his anatomy removed, was a
+walking triumph of modern operative surgery, but his disease had
+clearly made advances. He was then living in an open-air hut at his
+father's place, and his condition was obviously critical. As I was
+myself going to South Africa, I proposed to his father (he had lost
+his mother as a child) that the boy should accompany me, pointing out
+the wonders the dry South African climate had effected in similar
+cases, and the advantages of a long sea-voyage. So it was settled. As
+I was fully alive to the responsibilities I was incurring I took my
+valet with me, in case additional help should be required. Billy, the
+S.B., came on board, long, lanky, and pitiably emaciated. His
+abnormally brilliant colour, and his unnaturally bright eyes betrayed
+the progress the disease had made with him. He revived at once in the
+warmth, and I had considerable difficulty in restraining his
+super-abundant vitality, for he played deck-cricket all day, and
+entered himself for every single event in the ship's sports,
+regardless of his very narrow available margin of strength. After
+arriving in Africa, as the S.B. could not have stood the noise and
+racket of a big hotel, we found most comfortable quarters in a quiet
+little place in the delightful suburb of Rondebosch. I wished to go
+up-country, and as it was obvious that the S.B. could never have stood
+the heat, fatigue, and dust of long railway journeys during the height
+of the South African summer, I found myself in a difficult position. I
+had the most stringent directions from the doctors as to what the S.B.
+might or might not do. He was on no account to ride, either a horse or
+a bicycle; bathing might prove instantly fatal to him; he was only to
+play cricket, golf, or lawn-tennis in strict moderation, followed each
+time by a compulsory rest. I knew the S.B. well enough by now to
+realise that, the moment my back was turned, he would want to do all
+these things, if merely to show that he could do them as well as
+anybody else, quite regardless of consequences. Mrs. Botha came to the
+rescue, and with extraordinary kindness, told me to send the S.B. to
+Groote Schuur, where she would undertake to look after him. As I have
+hinted earlier, I have seldom come across so delightful a family as
+the Bothas, father, mother, sons and daughters alike; so fortunate
+Billy the S.B. was transferred with his belongings to Groote Schuur,
+where he was immensely elated at being allowed to use Cecil Rhodes'
+sumptuous private bathroom. This bathroom was entirely lined with
+Oriental alabaster; the bath itself was carved out of a solid block of
+green marble, and the very bath-taps were exquisitely chiselled bronze
+Tritons, riding on dolphins. When I returned to Capetown I found the
+S.B. quite one of the Botha family, being addressed by everybody by
+his Christian name. He played lawn-tennis and billiards daily with the
+General, and should he prove refractory (a not infrequent occurrence)
+the General had only to threaten, "I shall have to make you smoke
+another of my black cigars, Billy," for the S.B. to capitulate
+instantly with a shudder, for he had gruesome recollections of the
+effects one of these powerful home-grown cigars had produced on him
+upon a previous occasion.
+
+When we sailed from South Africa, Mrs. Botha came down herself to the
+liner to see that Billy's cabin was comfortable, and that he had all
+the appliances he required, such as hot-water bottles, etc., and she
+presented him with a large parcel of home-made delicacies for his
+exclusive use on the voyage home. Nothing could have exceeded her
+kindness to this afflicted lad, of whose very existence she had been
+unaware three months earlier.
+
+Before we had been at sea a week, the S.B. managed to get a sunstroke.
+He grew alarmingly ill, and the ship's doctor told me that he had
+developed tubercular meningitis, and that his recovery was impossible.
+I gave the S.B. a hint as to the gravity of his case, but the boy's
+pluck was indomitable. "I am going to sell that doctor," he said, "for
+I don't mean to die now. I have sold the doctors twice already when
+they told me I was dying, and I am going to make this chap look silly,
+too, for I don't intend to go out." Soon after he relapsed into
+unconsciousness. Meningitis affects the eyes, and the poor S.B. could
+not bear one ray of light, so the cabin was carefully darkened, and
+the electrician replaced the white bulbs in the cabin and alley-way
+with green ones. As we were approaching the equator the heat in that
+closed-up cabin was absolutely suffocating, the thermometer standing
+at over 100 degrees. Still the sick lad felt chilly, and had to be
+surrounded with hot-water bottles, whilst an ice-pack was placed on his
+head. I and my valet took it in turns to sit up at nights with him, as
+every quarter of an hour we had to trickle a teaspoonful of iced milk
+and brandy into his mouth. As each morning came round, the doctor's
+astonishment at finding his patient still alive was obvious, and he
+assured me again and again that it could only be a question of hours.
+One morning my valet, whose turn as night-nurse it was, awoke me at 4
+a.m. with the news that "Mr. William has come to again, and is
+screaming for beef-tea." I went into the cabin, where I found the S.B.
+quite conscious, and insistently demanding beef-tea. By sheer grit and
+force of will the lad had pulled himself out of the very Valley of the
+Shadow. We got him the best substitute for beef-tea to be obtained on
+a liner at 4.30 a.m., and two hours later he was clamouring for more.
+His progress to recovery was uninterrupted as soon as we were able to
+carry him into the open air, his eyes protected by some most ingenious
+light-proof goggles, cleverly fashioned on board by the second
+engineer. The S.B. had learnt from the doctor of some strictly private
+arrangements which I had made with the captain of the ship should his
+disease unfortunately take a fatal turn. I found him one morning
+rolling about in his bunk with laughter. "It is really the most
+comical idea I ever heard of in my life," he spluttered, shaking with
+merriment. "Fancy carrying me home in the meat-safe! Just imagine
+father's face when you told him that you had got me down in the
+refrigerator! I never heard anything so d----d funny," and as fresh
+humorous possibilities of this novel form of home-coming occurred to
+him, he grew quite hysterical with laughter. He was immensely amused,
+too, at learning that during the most critical period of his illness I
+had got the captain to stop the ship's band, and to rope-off the deck
+under his cabin window. I will not deny that the S.B. required a good
+deal of supervision; for instance, when at length allowed a little
+solid food, I found that he had selected as a suitable invalid repast,
+some game-pie and a strawberry ice, which had, of course, to be
+sternly vetoed; he had entered, too, for every event in the ship's
+sports, and though he was so weak that he could barely stand, he had
+every intention of competing. I have seldom met any one with such
+wonderful personal courage as that boy, and he would never yield one
+inch to his enemy; the strong will was for ever dominating the frail
+body.
+
+On this voyage we had a number of young people on board who were
+crossing the equator for the first time, so Neptune kindly offered to
+leave his ocean depths and to board the ship in the good old-fashioned
+orthodox style to further these young folks' education. Just as we
+crossed the Line, the ship was hailed from the sea, her name and
+destination were ascertained, and she was peremptorily ordered to
+heave to, Neptune naturally imagining that he was still dealing with
+sailing ships. The engines were at once stopped, and Neptune, with his
+Queen, his Doctor, his Barber, his Sea Bears and the rest of his
+Court, all in their traditional get-up, made their appearance on the
+upper deck, to the abject terror of some of the little children, who
+howled dismally at this alarming irruption of half-naked savages with
+painted faces. I myself enacted Neptune in an airy costume of
+fish-scales, a crown, and a flowing beard and wig of bright sea-green.
+Of course my Trident had not been forgotten. Amphitrite, my queen, was
+the star-comedian of the South African music-hall stage, and the
+little man was really extraordinarily funny, keeping up one incessant
+flow of rather pungent gag, and making the spectators roar with
+laughter. All the traditional ceremonies and good-natured horseplay
+were scrupulously adhered to, and some twenty schoolboys and five
+adults were duly dosed, lathered, shaved, hosed, and then toppled
+backwards into a huge canvas tank of sea-water, where the boys
+persisted in swimming about in all their clothes. The proceedings were
+terminated by Neptune and his entire Court following the neophytes
+into the tank, and I am afraid that we induced some half-dozen male
+spectators to accompany us into the tank rather against their will,
+one old German absolutely fuming with rage at the unprecedented
+liberty that was being taken with him. During these revels the S.B.,
+though only just convalescent, and still in his bunk, had to be locked
+into his cabin, or he would have insisted on taking part in them, and
+would have certainly died an hour afterwards.
+
+Upon the outbreak of war in August, 1914, the S.B. made three attempts
+to obtain a commission, only to be promptly rejected by the medical
+officers when they examined him. He then tried to enlist as a private,
+under a false name, but no doctor would pass him, so he went as a
+workman into a Small Arms' Factory, and made rifle-stocks for a year.
+The indoor life and the lack of fresh air aggravating his disease, he
+was forced to abandon this work, when, by some means which I have
+never yet fathomed, he managed to get a commission in the Royal Air
+Force. The doctors, being much overworked, let him through without a
+medical examination, and in due time the S.B. qualified as a pilot,
+when, owing to engine trouble, he promptly crashed in his seaplane
+into the North Sea, in January, and was an hour in the water before
+being rescued. This icy bath somehow arrested the progress of his
+disease, and he was subsequently sent to the Dardanelles. Here, whilst
+attempting to bomb Constantinople, the S.B. got shot down and captured
+by the Turks. During his eighteen months of captivity he underwent the
+greatest privations from cold and hunger, being insufficiently clad
+and most insufficiently fed. Upon his release after the Armistice, he
+was examined by a British doctor, who told him, to his amazement, that
+every trace of his dire disease had vanished, nor were the most
+eminent specialists of Harley Street subsequently able to distinguish
+the faintest lingering signs of tuberculosis. He was completely cured,
+or rather by his strong willpower he had completely cured himself.
+
+Billy (the term of S.B. being clearly no longer applicable) is now
+married to a pretty and charming wife; he is the proud father of a
+sturdy son, and is putting on weight at an alarming rate, his
+waistcoat already exhibiting a convexity of outline that would be
+justifiable only in the case of an alderman. He is a partner in a
+prosperous West End business, and will be most happy to book any
+orders you may give him for wine.
+
+I have purposely dwelt at length on the case of the S.B. in order to
+encourage other sufferers from this disease to realise how strong the
+personal factor is in their cases, and how much they can help
+themselves. Here was an apparently hopeless case of tuberculosis, and
+yet a lad by his indomitable grit and personal courage fought his
+enemy, continued to fight him, and finally conquered him, all by sheer
+determination never to give in. Let others in his position take heart
+of grace and continue the struggle, and may they, too, rout their
+enemy as the S.B. did. Nil desperandum! I may add that an ice-cold
+bath of an hour in the North Sea in January, and eighteen months'
+incarceration in a Turkish prison, are not absolutely essential items
+in the cure.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+In France at the outbreak of war--The _tocsin_--The "Voice of the
+Bell" at Harrow--Canon Simpson's theory about bells--His "five-tone"
+principle--Myself as a London policeman--Experiences with a celebrated
+church choir--The "Grillroom Club"--Famous members--Arthur Cecil--Some
+neat answers Sir Leslie Ward--Beerbohm Tree and the vain old
+member--Amateur supers--Juvenile disillusionment--The Knight--The
+Baron--Age of romance passed.
+
+
+In July, 1914, I was in Normandy, undergoing medical treatment for a
+bad leg. Black as the horizon looked towards the end of that month, I
+personally believed that the storm would blow over, and that the
+clouds would disperse, as had happened so often previously when the
+relations between Germany and France had been strained almost to the
+breaking-point by the megalomaniac of Potsdam.
+
+On the fateful Saturday, August 1, 1914, I was at a little old Norman
+chateau standing on the banks of the placid river Mayenne. It was a
+glorious afternoon, and I was in a boat on the river fishing with the
+two daughters of the house. We suddenly saw the local station-master
+running along the bank in a state of great agitation, brandishing a
+telegram in his hands. He asked us where he could find "M. le Maire,"
+for my host, amongst other things, was mayor of the little
+neighbouring town, and added with a despairing gesture, "Helas! C'est
+la guerre!" showing us the official telegram from Paris. We at once
+landed and accompanied the station-master up to the house, where our
+host was dumbfounded at the news, for, like me, he had continued to
+hope against hope. Five minutes later he was knotting the official
+tricolour scarf round his waist, for it fell to his duty as Maire to
+read the Decree of Mobilisation in the town, and I accompanied him
+there. I shall never forget that sight. Sobbing and weeping women
+everywhere; the older men, who remembered 1870 and knew what this
+mobilisation meant, endeavouring to master their emotion and to keep
+up an appearance of calm; the younger men, who were to be thrust into
+the furnace, standing dazed and anxious-eyed at the prospect of the
+unknown to-morrow which they were to face. My host, after reading the
+Decree, added a few words of his own, such words as appeal to the
+French temperament; brief, full of hope and courage, and breathing
+that intensely passionate love of France which lies at the bottom of
+every French soul. The Maire then ordered the _tocsin_ to be sounded in
+half an hour's time, when it would also ring out from every church
+steeple in France.
+
+The rolling Normandy landscape lay bathed in golden sunshine, the
+wheatfields ripe for the sickle, and the apple orchards rich in their
+promise of fruit. There was not one breath of wind to ruffle the sleek
+surface of the Mayenne, and the wealth of timber of leafy Normandy
+stood out faintly blue over the tawny stretches of the wheatfields.
+The whole scene, flooded with mellow sunshine, seemed to breathe
+absolute peace.
+
+Suddenly, from a distant church steeple, came two sharp strokes from a
+bell, then a pause, and then two strokes were repeated. The town we
+had just left rang out two louder notes, also followed by a pause. It
+was the _tocsin_ ringing out its terrible message; and yet another
+steeple sounded its two notes, and another and another. The news rung
+out by those two sharp strokes is always bad news. The _tocsin_ rings
+for great fires, for revolution, or, as in this case, for a Declaration
+of War. Before us lay Normandy, looking inexpressibly peaceful in the
+evening sunlight, and over that quiet countryside the _tocsin_ was
+sending its tidings of woe, as it was from every church tower in
+France. Next morning the only son, the gardener, the coachman, and the
+man-servant left the old Norman chateau to join their regiments; the
+son and the gardener never to return to it. To the end of my life I
+shall remember the weeping women, and the haggard-eyed men in that
+little town, and the two sharp strokes of the _tocsin_, sounding like
+the knell of hope.
+
+Nothing can carry a more poignant message than a bell. In my time at
+Harrow, should a member of the school actually die at Harrow during
+the term, the school bell was tolled at minute intervals, from 10 to
+10.30 p.m., with the great bass bell of the parish church answering
+it, also at minute intervals. The school bell, which rang daily at
+least ten times for school, for chapel, for Bill, or for lock-up, had
+an exceedingly piercing voice. We were used to hearing it rung
+quickly, so when it sent out its one shrill note into the unaccustomed
+night, a note answered in half a minute by the great boom of the
+bourdon from the Norman church steeple, the effect was most
+impressive. In my house it was the custom to keep absolute silence
+during the tolling of the passing-bell. The British schoolboy is
+really a highly emotional creature, though he would sooner die than
+betray the fact. When the tolling began, boys would troop in their
+night-clothes into one another's rooms for companionship, and remain
+there in silence, ill at ease, until the tolling, to every one's
+relief, ceased. There was another ordeal to be faced, too, at the
+final concert. Amongst our school songs was one called "The Voice of
+the Bell," describing the various occasions on which the school bell
+rang. It had a bright, cheery tune, and was very popular, but there
+was a special verse, only sung when a boy had actually died at Harrow
+during the term. The melody of the special verse was the same as that
+of the other verses, but the harmonies were quite different. It was
+sung very slowly as a solo to organ accompaniment, and it touched
+every one. The words were:
+
+  "Hard to the stroke, another and another,
+                              Ding, ding, ding.
+  Tolling at night for the passing of a brother,
+                              Ding, ding, ding,
+  One more life from our life is taken,
+  Work all done, and fellowship forsaken,
+  Playmate sleep--and far away awaken,
+                              Ding, ding, ding;"
+
+the "ding, ding, ding" being taken up by the chorus.
+
+All the boys dreaded the singing of this verse, at least I know that I
+did, for no one felt quite sure of himself, and the little fellows
+cried quite openly. Three times it was sung during my Harrow days, and
+always by the same boy, chosen on account of his very sweet voice. He
+was a friend of mine, and he used to tell me how thankful he was to
+get through his solo without breaking down, or, as he preferred to put
+it, "without making an utter ass of myself." I think that this special
+verse is no longer sung, as being too painful for all concerned.
+
+Whilst on the subject of bells, I may say that the late Canon Simpson
+of Fittleworth was a great friend of mine. Canon Simpson was an
+enthusiast about bells, not only about "change-ringing," on which
+subject he was a recognised authority, but also about the designing
+and casting of bells. He would talk to me for hours about them, though
+I know about as much of bells as Nebuchadnezzar knew about
+jazz-dancing. The Canon maintained that very few bells, either in
+England or on the continent, were in tune with themselves, and
+therefore could obviously not be in tune with the rest of the peal.
+Every bell gives out five tones. The note struck, or the "tonic"
+(which he called the "fundamental"), the octave above it, termed the
+"nominal," and the octave below it, which he called the "hum note." In
+a perfect bell these three octaves must be in perfect unison, but they
+very seldom are. The "nominal," or upper octave, is nearly always
+sharper than the "fundamental," and the "hum note" is again sharper
+than that, thus producing an unpleasant effect. Any one listening for
+it can detect the upper octave, or "nominal," even in a little
+handbell. Let them listen intently, and they will catch the sharp
+"ting" of the octave above. The "hum note" in a small bell is almost
+impossible to hear, but let any one listen to a big bass bell, and
+they cannot miss it. It is the "hum note" which sustains the sound,
+and makes the air quiver and vibrate with pulsations. For many years I
+have lived under the very shadow of Big Ben, and I can hear its "hum
+note" persisting for at least ten seconds after the bell has sounded.
+Big Ben is a notable instance of a bell out of tune with itself. In
+addition to the three octaves, every bell gives out a "third" and a
+"fifth" above the tonic, thus making a perfect chord, and for the bell
+to be perfect, all these five tones must be in absolute tune with each
+other. Space prevents my giving details as to how this result can be
+attained. Under the Canon's tuition I learnt to distinguish the
+"third," which is at times quite strident, but the "fifth" nearly
+always eludes me. During Canon Simpson's lifetime he could only get
+one firm of bell-founders to take his "five-tone" principle seriously.
+I may add that English bell-founders tune their bells to the
+"nominal," whilst Belgian and other continental founders tune them to
+the "fundamental," both, according to Canon Simpson, essentially wrong
+in principle.
+
+Three days ago I read a leading article in a great morning daily,
+headed "The Renascence of bell-founding in England," and I learnt from
+it that one English bell-foundry was casting a great peal of bells for
+the War Memorial at Washington, and that another firm was carrying out
+an order for a peal from, wonder of wonders, Belgium itself, the very
+home of bells, and that both these peals were designed on the "Simpson
+five-tone principle." I wish that my old friend could have lived to
+see his theories so triumphantly vindicated, or could have known that
+the many years which he devoted to his special subject were not in
+vain.
+
+Had any one told me, say in 1912, that in two years' time I should be
+patrolling the streets of London at night in a policeman's uniform as
+a Special Constable, I should have been greatly surprised, and should
+have been more astonished had I known of the extraordinary places I
+should have to enter in the course of my duties, and the curious
+people with whom I was to be brought into contact. I had occasion one
+night, whilst on my beat, to enter the house of a professional man in
+Harley Street, whose house, in defiance of the "Lighting Orders," was
+blazing like the Eddystone Lighthouse. I gave the doctor a severe
+lecture, and pointed out that he was rendering himself liable to a
+heavy fine. He took my jobation in very good part, for I trust that as
+a policeman I blended severity with sympathy, and promised to amend
+his ways, and then added hospitably, "As perhaps you have been out
+some time, constable, you might be glad of some sandwiches and a glass
+of beer. If you will go down to the kitchen, I will tell the cook to
+get you some." So down I went to the kitchen, and presently found
+myself being entertained by an enormously fat cook. John Leech's
+_Pictures from Punch_ have been familiar to me since my earliest
+days. Some of his most stereotyped jokes revolved round the
+unauthorised presence of policemen in kitchens, but in my very wildest
+dreams it had never occurred to me that I, myself, when well past my
+sixtieth year, would find myself in a policeman's uniform seated in a
+London kitchen, being regaled on beer and sandwiches by a corpulent
+cook, and making polite conversation to her. I hasten to disclaim the
+idea that any favourable impression I may have created on the cook was
+in any way due to my natural charm of manner; it was wholly to be
+ascribed to the irresistible attraction the policeman's uniform which
+I was wearing traditionally exercises over ladies of her profession.
+Between ourselves, my brother Claud was so pleased with his Special
+Constable's uniform that when a presentation portrait of himself was
+offered to him he selected his policeman's uniform to be painted in,
+in preference to that of a full colonel, to which he was entitled, and
+his portrait can now be seen, as a white-haired and white-moustached,
+but remarkably erect and alert Special Constable, seventy-five years
+old.
+
+I had during the war another novel but most interesting experience. A
+certain well-known West End church has been celebrated for over fifty
+years for the beauty and exquisite finish of its musical Services. As
+1915 gave place to 1916, one by one the professional choir-men got
+called up for military service, and finally came the turn of the
+organist and choirmaster himself, he being just inside the limit of
+age. The organist, besides being a splendid musician, happened to be a
+skilled mechanic, so he was not sent abroad, but was given a
+commission, and sent down to Aldershot to superintend the assembling
+of aircraft engines. By getting up at 5 a.m. on Sundays, he was able
+to be in London in time to take the organ and conduct the choir of his
+church. Meeting the organist in the street one day, he told me that he
+was in despair, for all the men of the choir but two had been called
+up, and the results of ten years' patient labour seemed crumbling
+away. He meant, though, to carry on somehow, all the same, and begged
+me to find him a bass for the Cantoris side. I have hardly any voice
+at all myself, but I had been used to singing in a choir, and can read
+a part easily at sight, so I volunteered as a bass, and for two years
+marched in twice, and occasionally three times, every Sunday into the
+church in cassock and surplice with the choir. The music was far more
+elaborate and difficult than any to which I had been accustomed, but
+it was a great privilege and a great delight to sing with a choir
+trained to such absolute perfection. The organist could only spare
+time for one short practice a week, during which we went through about
+one-third of the music we were to sing on Sunday, all the rest had to
+be read at sight. Had not the boys been so highly trained it would
+have been quite impossible; they lived in a Resident Choir School, and
+were practised daily, and never once did they let us down. I do not
+think that the congregation had the faintest idea that half the
+elaborate anthems and Services they were listening to, though familiar
+to the boys, had never been seen by the majority of the choir-men
+until they came into church, and that they were being read at sight.
+One particularly florid Service, much beloved by the congregation, was
+known amongst the choir as "Chu Chin Chow in E flat." The organist
+always managed somehow to produce a really good solo tenor, as well as
+an adequate second tenor, mostly privates and bluejackets for the time
+being, but professional musicians in their former life. It was a point
+of honour with this scratch-choir to endeavour to maintain the very
+high musical standard of the church, and I really think that we did
+wonders, for we gave a very good rendering of Cornelius' beautiful but
+abominably difficult eight-part unaccompanied anthem for double choir,
+"Love, I give myself to thee," after twenty minutes' practice of it,
+and difficult as is the music, we kept the pitch, and did not drop
+one-tenth of a tone. At times, of course, the scratch-choir made
+mistakes, and then the organ crashed out and drowned us. The
+congregation imagined that the organist was merely showing off the
+power and variety of tone of his instrument; we knew better, and
+understood that this blare was to veil our blunder. It was really
+absorbingly interesting work. During Lent we sang, unaccompanied,
+Palestrina and Vittoria, and this sixteenth-century polyphonic music
+requires singing with such exactitude that it needs the utmost
+concentration and sustained attention, if the results are to be
+satisfactory. The organist was quite pleased with his make-shift
+choir; though, as a thorough musician, he was rather exacting. At
+choir-practice he would say, "Very nicely sung, gentlemen, so nicely
+that I want it all over again. Try and do it a little better this
+time, and with greater accuracy, please." It is the custom in this
+church to sing carols from a chamber up in the tower on the three
+Sundays following Christmas. They are sung unaccompanied, and almost
+in a whisper, and the effect in the church below is really
+entrancing. To reach this tower-chamber we had to mount endless
+flights of stairs to the choir-boys' dormitory, and then to clamber
+over their beds, and squeeze ourselves through an opening about a foot
+square (built as a fire-escape for the boys) in our surplices. After
+negotiating this narrow aperture, I shall always sympathise with any
+camel attempting to insinuate itself through the eye of a needle. In a
+small, low-roofed chamber, where there is barely standing-room for
+twenty people, it is difficult even for a highly trained choir to do
+itself justice. The low roof tends to deaden the pitch, and in so
+confined a space the singers cannot get into that instinctive touch
+with each other which makes the difference between a good and a bad
+choir; still, people in the church below told me that the effect was
+lovely. On one occasion, owing to force of circumstances, it had been
+impossible for the men to rehearse the carols, though the boys had
+been well practised in them. We sung them at sight unaccompanied;
+rather a musical feat to do satisfactorily.
+
+I would not have missed for anything my two years' experience with
+that church choir; every Sunday it was a renewed pleasure.
+
+During 1915 and 1916 one got used to meeting familiar friends in
+unfamiliar garbs, and in a certain delightful club, not a hundred
+miles from Leicester Square, which I will veil under the impenetrable
+disguise of the "Grill-room Club," I was not surprised to find two
+well-known and popular actors, the one in a naval uniform, the other
+in an airman's. I might add that the latter greatly distinguished
+himself in the air during the war.
+
+The "Grill-room" is quite a unique club. It consists of one room only,
+a lofty, white-panelled hall, with an open timber roof. Nearly every
+distinguished man connected with the English stage for the last forty
+years has been a member of this club; Henry Irving, Charles Wyndham,
+Arthur Sullivan, W. S. Gilbert, George Grossmith, Corney Grain, George
+Alexander, Herbert Beerbohm Tree, and Arthur Cecil are only a few of
+the celebrities for whom this passing show is over, but who were
+members of the club. It is unnecessary for me to give a list of the
+present members; it is enough to say that it comprises every prominent
+English actor of to-day.
+
+Arthur Cecil had a delightful nature, with a marked but not unpleasant
+"old-maidish" element in it. For instance, no mortal eye had ever
+beheld him without a little black handbag. Wherever Arthur Cecil went
+the little bag went with him. There was much speculation amongst his
+friends as to what the contents of this mysterious receptacle might
+be. Many people averred, in view of his notoriously large appetite,
+that it was full of sandwiches, in case he should become smitten with
+hunger whilst on the stage, but he would tell no one. As I knew him
+exceedingly well, I begged on several occasions to have the secret of
+the little black bag entrusted to me, but he always turned my question
+aside. After his death, it turned out that the little bag was a fully
+fitted-up medicine-chest, with remedies for use in every possible
+contingency. Should he have fancied that he had caught a chill, a
+tea-spoon of this; should his dressing-room feel over-hot, four drops
+of that; should he encounter a bad smell, a table-spoonful of a third
+mixture. Poor Cecil's interior must have been like a walking
+drug-store. He was quite inimitable in eccentric character parts, his
+"Graves" in _Money_ being irresistibly funny, and his "Baron Stein" in
+_Diplomacy_ was one of the most finished performances we are ever
+likely to see, a carefully stippled miniature, with every little detail
+carefully thought out, touched up and retouched. I do not believe that
+the English stage has even seen a finer _ensemble_ of acting than that
+given by Kendal as "Julian Beauclerc," John Clayton as "Henry
+Beauclerc," and Squire Bancroft as "Count Orloff" when the piece was
+originally produced at the Hay-market, in the great "three-men" scene
+in the Second Act of _Diplomacy_, the famous "Scene des trois hommes"
+of Sardou's _Dora_; nothing on the French stage could beat it. Arthur
+Cecil bought a splendid fur coat for his entrance as "Baron Stein," but
+after the run of the piece nothing would ever induce him to wear his
+fur coat, even in the coldest weather. He was obsessed with the idea
+that should _Diplomacy_ ever be revived, his fur coat might grow
+too shabby to be used for his first entrance, so it reposed
+perpetually and uselessly in camphor. Arthur Cecil was cursed with the
+Demon of Irresolution. I have never known so undecided a man; it
+seemed quite impossible for him to make up his mind. Sir Squire
+Bancroft has told us in his _Memoirs_ how Cecil, on the night of
+the dress rehearsal of _Diplomacy_, was unable to decide on his
+make-up. He used a totally different make-up in each of the three
+acts, to the great bewilderment of the audience, who were quite unable
+to identify the white-moustached gentleman of the First Act with the
+bald-headed and grey-whiskered individual of the Second. This
+irresolution pursued poor Cecil everywhere. Coming in for supper to
+the "Grill-room" after his performance, he would order and
+counter-order for ten minutes, absolutely unable to come to a
+decision. He invariably ended by seizing a pencil, closing his eyes
+tightly, and whirling his pencil round and round over the supper-list
+until he brought it down at haphazard somewhere. As may be imagined,
+repasts chosen in this fashion were apt to be somewhat incongruous.
+After the first decision of chance, Cecil would murmur to the patient
+waiter, "Some apple-tart to begin with, Charles." Then another whirl,
+and "some stuffed tomatoes," a third whirl, and "salt fish and
+parsnips, Charles, please. It's a thing that I positively detest, but
+it has been chosen for me, so bring it." Cecil went for an annual
+summer holiday to France, but as he could never decide where he should
+go, the same method came into play, and with a map of France before
+him, and tightly closed eyes, the whirling pencil determined his
+destination for him. He assured me that it had selected some unknown
+but most delightful spots for him, though at times he was less
+fortunate. The pencil once lit on the mining districts of Northern
+France, and Cecil with his sunny nature professed himself grateful for
+this, declaring that but for the hazard of the whirling pencil, he
+would never have had an opportunity of realising what unspeakably
+revolting spots Saletrousur-Somme, or Saint-Andre-Linfecte were. He
+was a wonderfully kind-hearted man. Once, whilst playing at the Court
+Theatre, he noticed the call-boy constantly poring over a book. Cecil,
+glancing over it, was surprised to find that it was not _The Boy
+Highwayman of Hampstead_, but a treatise on Algebra. The call-boy
+told him that he was endeavouring to educate himself, with a view to
+going out to India. Cecil bought him quite a library of books, paid
+for a series of classes for him, and eventually, thanks to Cecil, the
+call-boy passed second in a competitive examination, and obtained a
+well-paid appointment in a Calcutta Bank. Cecil, or to give him his
+real name, Arthur Blount, was also an excellent musician, and his
+setting of _The Better Land_ is to my mind a beautiful one. He was an
+eccentric, faddy, kindly, gentle creature.
+
+At the "Grill-room," actor-managers are constantly pouring out their
+woes. One well-known actor-manager came in full of a desperate row he
+had had with his leading lady because the printer in the bills of the
+new production had forgotten the all-important "and" before her name.
+She merely appeared at the end of the list of characters, whereas she
+wanted "AND Miss Lilian Vavasour." "Such a ridiculous fuss to make
+about an 'and,'" grumbled the actor-manager. "Yes," retorted
+Comyns-Carr, "and unfortunately 'and and 'art do not always go
+together on these occasions."
+
+The neatest answer I ever heard came from the late Lord Houghton.
+Queen Victoria's predilection for German artists was well known. She
+was painted several times by Winterhalter, and after his death was
+induced by the Empress Frederick to give sittings to the Viennese
+artist, Professor von Angeli. Angeli's portrait of the Queen was, I
+think, exhibited in the Royal Academy in 1876. Some one commenting on
+this, said that it was hard that the Queen would never give an English
+artist a chance; after Winterhalter it was Angeli. "Yes," said Lord
+Houghton, "I fancy that the Queen agrees with Gregory the Great, and
+says, 'non Angli sed Angeli.'"
+
+Of minor neatness was an answer made to my mother by a woodman at
+Baron's Court. Apparently at the time of her marriage the common
+dog-wood was hardly known in England as a shrub, although in the moist
+Irish climate it flourished luxuriantly. Every one is familiar with
+the shrub, if only on account of its bark turning a bright crimson
+with the early frosts. My mother on her first visit to Baron's Court
+saw a woodman trimming the dog-wood, and inquired of him the name of
+this unfamiliar red-barked shrub. On being told that it was dog-wood
+she asked, "Why is it called dog-wood?" "It might be on account of its
+bark," came the ready answer.
+
+Pellegrini the caricaturist, the celebrated "Ape" of _Vanity Fair_, was
+a member of the "Grill-room," as is his equally well-known successor,
+Sir Leslie Ward, the "Spy" of that now defunct paper, who has drawn
+almost every notability in the kingdom. Sir Leslie is, I am glad to
+say, still with us. Leslie Ward has the speciality of extraordinary
+accidents, accidents which could befall no human being but himself. For
+instance, in pre-taxi days Ward was driving in a hansom, and the cabman
+taking a wrong turn, Ward pushed up the little door in the roof to stop
+him. The man bent his head down to catch his fare's directions, and
+Leslie Ward inadvertently pushed three fingers right into the cabman's
+mouth. The driver, hotly resenting this unwarranted liberty, bit Leslie
+Ward's fingers so severely that he was unable to hold either pencil or
+brush for a fortnight. This is only one example of the extraordinary
+mishaps in which this gifted artist specialises.
+
+In the recently published _Life of Herbert Beerbohm Tree_, the
+collaborators do not allude to that curious vein of impish humour
+which at times possessed him, turning him into a sort of big
+rollicking schoolboy. There was one episode which I can give with
+Tree's actual words, for I wrote them down at the time, as a supreme
+example of the art of "leg-pulling." Amongst the members of the
+"Grill-room Club" was an elderly bachelor, whom I will call Mr.
+Smith. "Mr. Smith," who has now been dead for some years, was wholly
+undistinguished in every way. He ate largely, and spoke little, but
+Tree had discovered that under his placid exterior he concealed a vein
+of limitless vanity. One evening "Mr. Smith" startled the club by
+breaking his habitual silence, and bursting into poetry. Apropos of
+nothing at all, he suddenly declaimed two lines of doggerel, which, as
+far as my memory goes, ran as follows:
+
+  "I and my doggie are now left alone,
+  Johnstone, to-morrow, will give him a bone."
+
+He then relapsed into his ordinary placid silence, and soon after went
+home. Beerbohm Tree made at once a bet of 5 pounds with another member
+that he would induce old Mr. Smith to repeat this rubbish lying at full
+length under the dining-table, seated in the firegrate (it was
+summer-time), and hidden behind the window-curtains. The story got
+about until every one knew of the bet except Mr. Smith, so next night
+the club was crowded. The unsuspecting Smith sat silently and placidly
+ruminating, when Tree appeared after his performance at His Majesty's
+and lost no time in approaching his subject. "My dear Smith," he
+began, "you repeated last night two lines of poetry which moved me
+strangely. The recollection of them has haunted me all day; say them
+again, I beg of you." The immensely gratified Smith at once began:
+
+  "I and my doggie are now left alone,
+  Johnstone, to-morrow, will give him a bone."
+
+"Exquisite!" murmured Tree. "Beautiful lines, and distinctly modern,
+yet without the faintest trace of decadence. It is the note of implied
+tragedy in them that appeals to me, for were Johnstone unfortunately
+to die in the night there would, of course, be no bone for the
+faithful four-footed friend. Repeat them again, please." After a
+second repetition Tree went on: "You have _l'art de dire_ to an
+amazing extent, Smith, and you have the priceless gift of _les
+larmes dans la voix_. I know that no pecuniary inducements I might
+offer would make any appeal to you; still, could I but get you to
+repeat those beautiful lines on the stage of my theatre, all London
+would flock to hear you. I should wish now for them to float vaguely
+to my ears, as the sound of village chimes borne on the breeze; out of
+the vague; out of the unknown. Ha! I have it! Would you mind, Smith,
+lying under the table here, and exercising your gift as a reciter from
+there. I, on my side, will put myself into a fitting frame of mind by
+eschewing such grossly material things as tobacco and alcohol, and
+will eat of the simple fruits of the earth. Waiter, apples, many
+apples! Now, Smith, I beg of you," and Tree, munching an apple, made a
+gesture of appeal, and stood on the table, a second apple in his left
+hand.
+
+"Really I," faltered Mr. Smith with a gratified smile, "really...
+Well... do you mean it?" and he slid obediently under the table, and
+repeated the idiotic lines. "Gorgeous! Positively gorgeous!" sighed
+Tree. "Now, Smith, Bismarck once, when at the zenith of his power,
+electrified an audience of German _savants_ by repeating two simple
+lines of German poetry seated in the fireplace. I must emphasise the
+fact that it was when he was at the very zenith of his power, for
+otherwise, of course, he would have been unable to produce this effect.
+I should like to see whether your touching lines would move me as
+strongly coming from so unexpected a quarter. See! I will place _The
+Times_ for you to sit on, the _Daily Telegraph_ for you to lean
+against. Two of the most powerful organs of public opinion both equally
+proud to minister to your comfort. I beg of you, Smith." "Really...
+it's rather unusual... but if you want it," smirked Mr. Smith, and the
+doggerel was duly repeated from the fireplace. "Now, Smith, I want
+those haunting lines to reach me faintly, as from some distant ocean
+cavern, or like the murmurs sea-shells whisper into the ear. Ha! the
+window-curtains will muffle the sound; say it from behind them, I
+pray." When this was over Tree buried his face in his hands, feigning
+deep emotion, and Mr. Smith regained his place wreathed in smiles,
+convinced that he had achieved an unparalleled triumph as a reciter,
+but Tree had won his 5 pounds.
+
+That gifted man Charles Brookfield was also a member of the
+"Grill-room." There was a slight note of cynicism, and a touch of
+bitterness in his humour, for he was quite conscious that he had not
+achieved the success that his brilliant abilities seemed to promise.
+It was characteristic of Brookfield that when attacked with the
+tuberculosis to which he eventually succumbed, he should draw up the
+prospectus and rules of the "Ninety-nine Club" (those who have ever
+had their lungs tested will understand the allusion), a document in
+which he gave full rein to his vein of cynical and slightly
+_macabre_ humour.
+
+Some twenty-five years ago, I and another member of the "Grill-room
+Club" used occasionally to "walk-on" in the great autumn Drury Lane
+melodramas. We knew the manager well, and upon sending in our cards to
+him, we could figure as guests at a ball, or as two of the crowd on a
+racecourse. I liked seeing the blurred outlines of the vast audience
+over the dazzling glare of the footlights, and the details of the
+production of these complicated spectacular pieces amused me when seen
+from the stage. In one of these melodramas, I think the _Derby
+Winner_, there was a spirited auction scene on the stage, when
+Mrs. John Wood bid 30,000 pounds for a horse. I had an almost
+irresistible impulse to over-bid her and to shout "forty thousand
+pounds." Mrs. John Wood would have proved, I am sure, equal to the
+emergency, and would have got the better of me. Between us, we should
+probably have run the horse up to a quarter of a million, and the
+consternation of the rest of the company would have been very amusing
+to witness, but it would not have been quite fair on our friend the
+manager, so I refrained.
+
+A great-nephew of mine, then an Eton boy of fifteen, had heard of
+these experiences and longed to share them; so, with the manager's
+consent, I took him "on" the first day of his holidays. He was one of
+the crowd at an imaginary Oxford and Cambridge boat-race, cheering for
+all he was worth, when he suddenly saw four of his Eton friends
+sitting together in the front row of the stalls, and nodded to them.
+The astonishment of these youths at seeing the boy they had travelled
+up with that morning, moving about the stage of Drury Lane Theatre as
+though he were quite at home there, was most comical. They gaped
+round-eyed, refusing to believe the evidence of their senses.
+
+I believe that the appeal of the theatre is simply due to the fact
+that the majority of human beings retain the child's love of
+"make-believe" but are too unimaginative to create a dream-world for
+themselves. Having lost the child's power of creation, a more
+material dream-world has to be elaborately constructed for them, with
+every adjunct that can heighten the sense of illusion, an element the
+unimaginative are unable to supply for themselves. They require all
+their "i's" carefully dotted and their "t's" elaborately crossed; so
+they love "real water" on the stage, and "real leaves" falling in a
+forest scene, and genuine taxi-cabs rumbling about the stage so
+realistically that no strain need be put on their imagination.
+
+At the age of seven or eight I came to the conclusion that one would
+go through life shedding illusions as trees shed their leaves in
+November. I had an illustrated _History of England_ which contained a
+picture of knights tilting; splendid beings all in armour, with plumes
+waving from their helmets, seated on armoured horses and brandishing
+gigantic lances. I asked my governess whether there were any knights
+left. She, an excellent but most matter-of-fact lady, assured me that
+there were plenty of knights still about, after which I never ceased
+pestering her to show me one. One day she delighted me by saying, "You
+want to see a knight, dear. There is one coming to see your father at
+twelve o'clock to-day, and you may stand on the staircase and see him
+arrive." This was an absolutely thrilling episode! One of these
+glorious creatures of Romance was actually coming to our house that
+day! I may add that my mother was unwell at the time, and that the
+celebrated doctor Sir William Jenner, who had then been recently
+knighted, had been called in for a consultation. At Chesterfield House
+there is a very fine double flight of white marble stairs, and, long
+before twelve, wild with excitement, I took my stand at the top of it.
+How this magnificent being's armour would clank on the marble! Would he
+wear a thing like a saucepan on his head, with a little gate in front
+to peep through? It would be rather alarming, but the waving plumes
+would look nice. Supposing that he spoke to me, how was I to address
+him? Perhaps "Grammercy, Sir Knight!" would do. I was rather hazy as to
+its meaning, but it sounded well. It might also be polite to inquire
+how many maidens in distress the knight had rescued recently. Would he
+carry his lance upstairs and leave it outside my father's door? If so,
+I could play with it, and perhaps tilt at the footman with it. Would he
+leave his prancing charger in the courtyard in the care of his esquire?
+The possibilities were really endless. Presently our family doctor came
+upstairs with another gentleman, and they went into my father's room. I
+said "Good-morning" to our own doctor, but scarcely noticed the
+stranger, for I was straining my ears to catch the first clank of the
+knight's armour on the marble pavement of the hall below. Time went on;
+our doctor and the stranger reappeared and went downstairs, and still
+no knight arrived. At last I went back to my governess and told her
+that the knight must have forgotten, for he had never come. I could
+have cried with disappointment when told that the frock-coated stranger
+was the knight. That a knight! Without armour, or plumes, or lance, or
+charger! To console me for my disappointment I was allowed to see my
+father in his full robes as a Knight of the Garter before he left for
+some ceremony of the Order. This was the first intimation I had
+received that we could include a knight in our own family circle. My
+father's blue velvet mantle was imposing, and he certainly had plumes;
+but to my great chagrin he was not wearing one single scrap of armour,
+had no iron saucepan on his head, and was not even carrying a gigantic
+lance. It seemed to be the same with everything else. In my
+illustrated _History_ there was a picture of the Barons forcing
+King John to sign Magna Charta at Runnymede. They had beards, and wore
+long velvet dressing-gowns, with lovely, long, pointed shoes, and
+carried swords nearly as big as themselves. I asked my governess if
+there were any barons left, and she told me that Lord B----, a great
+friend of my family's, was a baron. This was dreadful. Lord B---- was
+dressed like any one else, had no beard, and instead of beautiful long
+shoes shaped like toothpicks, with flapping, pointed toes, he had
+ordinary everyday boots. He never wore a velvet dressing-gown or
+carried a big sword, and no one could possibly imagine him as coercing
+King John, or indeed any one else, to do anything they did not want to
+do. I asked to see a noble; I was told that I met them every day at
+luncheon. Like all properly constituted boys I longed to live on an
+island. I was told that I already enjoyed that privilege. It really
+was a most disappointing world!
+
+To remedy this state of things, and as a protest against the prosaic
+age in which we lived, my youngest brother and I devised some strictly
+private dramas. One dealing with the adventures of Sir Alphonso and
+the lovely Lady Leonora lingers in my memory, and I recall every word
+of the dialogue. This latter was peculiar, for we had an idea that to
+be archaic all personal pronouns had to be omitted. Part of it, I
+remember, ran, "Dost love me, Leonora?" "Do." "Wilt fly with me?"
+"Will." "Art frightened, fair one?" "Am." Everything in this thrilling
+drama led up to the discovery of the hidden treasure which the
+far-seeing Sir Alphonso had prudently buried in the garden in case of
+emergencies. Treasure had, of course, to consist of gold, silver, and
+coin. Some one had given me a tiny gold whistle; though small, it was
+unquestionably of gold, and my brother was the proud possessor of a
+silver pencil-case. These unfortunate objects must have been buried
+and disinterred countless times in company with a French franc-piece.
+To the eye of faith the whistle and the pencil-case became gleaming
+ingots of gold and silver, and the solitary franc transformed itself
+into iron-bound chests gorged with ducats, doubloons, or
+pieces-of-eight: the last having a peculiarly attractive and romantic
+sound.
+
+In such fashion did we make our juvenile protest against the
+drab-coloured age into which we had been born.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+Dislike of the elderly to change--Some legitimate grounds of
+complaint--Modern pronunciation of Latin--How a European crisis was
+averted by the old-fashioned method--Lord Dufferin's Latin
+speech--Schoolboy costume of a hundred years ago--Discomforts of
+travel in my youth--A crack liner of the "eighties"--Old travelling
+carriages--An election incident--Headlong rush of extraordinary
+turnout--The politically minded signalman and the doubtful
+voter--"Decent bodies"--Confidence in the future--Conclusion.
+
+
+To point out that elderly people dislike change is to assert the most
+obvious of truisms. Their three-score years of experience have taught
+them that all changes are not necessarily changes for the better, as
+youth fondly imagines; and that experiments are not invariably
+successful. They have also learnt that no amount of talk will alter
+hard facts, and that the law that effect will follow cause is an
+inflexible one which torrents of fluent platitudes will neither affect
+nor modify. Even should this entail their being labelled with the
+silly and meaningless term of "reactionary," I do not imagine that
+their equanimity is much upset by it. It is, perhaps, natural for the
+elderly to make disparaging comparisons between the golden past and
+the neutral-tinted present; so that one shudders at reflecting what a
+terrific nuisance Methuselah must have become in his old age. One can
+almost hear the youth of his day whispering friendly warnings to each
+other: "Avoid that old fellow like poison, for you will find him the
+most desperate bore. He is for ever grousing about the rottenness of
+everything nowadays compared to what it was when he was a boy nine
+hundred years ago."
+
+What applies to Methuselah may apply, in a lesser degree, to all of us
+elderly people, though I think that we are justified when we lament a
+noticeable decline in certain definite standards of honour which in
+our day were almost universally accepted both in private and in public
+life. Even then some few may have bowed the knee at the shrine of
+"Monseigneur l'Argent"; but it was done almost furtively, for "people
+on the make," or unblushingly "out for themselves," were less to the
+fore then than now, and were most certainly less conspicuous in public
+life.
+
+We can also be forgiven for regretting a marked decline in manners.
+Possibly in hurried days when every one seems to crave for excitement,
+there is but little time left for those courtesies customary amongst
+an older generation.
+
+There is no need to enlarge on the immense changes the years have
+brought about during my lifetime. Amongst the very minor changes, I
+notice that when my great-nephews quote any Latin to me, I am unable
+to understand one single syllable of it, and between ourselves I fancy
+that this modern pronunciation of Latin would be equally
+unintelligible to an ancient Roman.
+
+Our old-fashioned English pronunciation of Latin may have been
+illogical, but on one occasion it helped to avert a European war. The
+late Count Benckendorff, the last Russian Ambassador to the Court of
+St. James's, a singularly fascinating man, was protocolist to the
+Congress of Berlin in 1878, and as such was present at every sitting
+of the Congress. He told me that at one meeting of the
+Plenipotentiaries, Prince Gortschakoff announced that Russia, in
+direct contravention of Article XIII of the Treaty of Paris of 1856,
+intended to fortify the port of Batoum. This was expressly forbidden
+by the Treaty of Paris, so Lord Beaconsfield rose from his chair and
+said quietly, "Casus belli," _only_ he pronounced the Latin words
+in the English fashion, and Count Benckendorff assured me that no one
+present, with the exception of the British delegates, had the glimmer
+of an idea of what he was talking about. They imagined that he was
+making some remark in English to Lord Salisbury, and took no notice of
+it whatever. Lord Salisbury whispered to his colleague, and ultimately
+Prince Gortschakoff withdrew the claim to fortify Batoum. "But," added
+Count Benckendorff, "just imagine the consternation of the Congress
+had Lord Beaconsfield hurled his ultimatum to Russia with the
+continental pronunciation 'cahsous bellee!'" Just picture the breaking
+up of the Congress, the frantic telegrams, the shrieking headlines,
+the general consternation, and the terrific results that might have
+followed! And all these tremendous possibilities were averted by our
+old-fashioned English pronunciation of Latin!
+
+My old Chief and godfather, the late Lord Dufferin, in his most
+amusing _Letters From High Latitudes_, recounts how he was
+entertained at a public dinner at Rejkjavik in Iceland by the Danish
+Governor. To his horror Lord Dufferin found that he was expected to
+make a speech, and his hosts asked him to speak either in Danish or in
+Latin. Lord Dufferin, not knowing one word of Danish, hastily
+reassembled his rusty remnants of Latin, and began, "Insolitus ut sum
+ad publicum loquendum," and in proposing the Governor's health, begged
+his audience, amidst enthusiastic cheers, to drink it with a "haustu
+longo, haustu forti, simul atque haustu."
+
+Such are the advantages of a classical education!
+
+My younger relatives, who naturally look upon me as being of almost
+antediluvian age, sometimes ask me to describe the discomforts of an
+all-night coach journey in my youth, or inquire how many days we
+occupied in travelling from, say, London to Edinburgh. They are
+obviously sceptical when I assure them that my memory does not extend
+to pre-railway days. I am surprised that they do not ask me for a few
+interesting details of occasions when we were stopped by masked
+highwaymen on Hounslow Heath in the course of our journeys.
+
+My father told me that when he first went to Harrow in September,
+1823, at the age of twelve, he rode all the way from London, followed
+by a servant carrying his portmanteau on a second horse. My father's
+dress sounds curious to modern ears. Below a jacket and one of the big
+flapping collars of the period, he wore a waistcoat of crimson
+cut-velvet with gold buttons, a pair of skin-tight pantaloons of green
+tartan with Hessian boots to the knee, further adorned with large
+brass spurs with brass chains. A schoolboy of twelve would excite some
+comment were he to appear dressed like that to-day, though my father
+assured me that he could run in his Hessian boots and spurs as fast as
+any of his school-fellows.
+
+Though my recollections may not go back to pre-railway days, the
+conditions under which we travelled in my youth would be thought
+intolerable now. No sleeping- or dining-cars, long night-journeys in
+unheated, dimly lit carriages devoid of any kind of convenience, and
+sea-passages in small, ill-equipped steamers. All these were accepted
+as a matter of course, and as inevitable incidents of travel.
+
+The first long-distance voyage I ever made was just forty years ago,
+and I should like people who grumble at the accommodation provided in
+one of the huge modern liners to see the arrangements thought good
+enough for passengers in 1882. Our ship, the _Britannia_ of the
+Pacific Steam Navigation Co., was just over 4,000 tons, and we
+passengers congratulated each other loudly on our good fortune in
+travelling in so fast and splendid a vessel. The _Britannia_ had
+no deck-houses, the uncarpeted, undecorated saloon was the only place
+in which to sit, and its furniture consisted of long tables with
+swinging racks over them, flanked by benches. This sumptuous apartment
+was illuminated at night by no less than forty candles, a source of
+immense pride of the chief steward. The sleeping-cabins for a six
+weeks' voyage were smaller and less comfortably fitted than those at
+present provided for the three hours' trip between Holyhead and
+Kingstown; at night one dim oil-lamp glimmered in a ground-glass case
+fixed between two cabins, but only up to 10.30 p.m., after which the
+ship was plunged into total darkness. As it was before the days of
+refrigerators, the fore part of the deck was devoted to live stock.
+Pigs grunted in one pen, sheep bleated in another, whilst ducks
+quacked and turkeys gobbled in coops on either side of them. No one
+ever thought of grumbling; on the contrary, we all experienced that
+stupid sense of reflected pride which passengers in a crack liner
+feel, for the _Britannia_ then enjoyed a tremendous reputation in
+the Pacific. Certainly, seen from the shore, the old _Britannia_
+was a singularly pleasing object to the eye, with her clipper bows,
+the graceful curve of her sheer, and the beautiful lines of her low
+hull unbroken by any deck-houses or top-hamper.
+
+The traveller of to-day is more fortunate; he expects and finds in a
+modern liner all the comforts he would enjoy in a first-class hotel
+ashore; and finds them too in a lesser degree on railway journeys.
+
+The long continental tours of my father and mother in the early days
+of their married life, were all made by road in their own carriages,
+and as their family increased they took their elder children with them
+in their wanderings, so what with children, nurses and servants, they
+travelled with quite a retinue.
+
+I think that my father must have had a sentimental attachment for the
+old travelling carriages which had taken him and his family in safety
+over one-half of Europe, for he never parted with them, and various
+ancient vehicles reposed in our coach-houses, both in England and
+Ireland. The workmanship of these old carriages was so excellent that
+some of them, repainted and re-varnished, were still used for
+station-work in the country. There was in particular one venerable
+vehicle known as the "Travelling Clarence," which remained in constant
+use for more than sixty years after its birth. This carriage must have
+had painful associations for my elder brothers and sisters, for they
+travelled in it on my parents' continental tours. My mother always
+complimented their nurse on the extraordinarily tidy appearance the
+children presented after they had been twelve hours or more on the
+road; she little knew that the nurse carried a cane, and that any
+child who fidgeted ever so slightly at once received two smart cuts on
+the hand from this cane, so that their ultra-neat appearance on
+arriving at their destination was achieved rather painfully. This
+Clarence was an unusually comfortable and easy-rolling carriage; it
+hung on Cee springs, and was far more heavily padded than a modern
+vehicle; it had vast pockets arranged round its capacious grey
+interior, and curious little circular pillows for the head were
+suspended by cords from its roof. On account of its comfort it was
+much used in its old age for station-work in Ireland. Should that old
+carriage have had any feelings, I can thoroughly sympathise with them.
+Dreaming away in its coach-house over its varied past, it must have
+remembered the vine-clad hills through which it had once rolled on the
+banks of the swift-flowing, green Rhone. It cannot have forgotten the
+orange groves and olives of sunny Provence overhanging the deep-blue
+Mediterranean, the plains of Northern Italy where the vines were
+festooned from tree to tree, the mountains and clear streams of the
+Tyrol, or the sleepy old Belgian cities melodious with the clash of
+many bells. Each time that it was rolled out of its coach-house I
+imagine that every fibre in its antique frame must have vibrated at
+the thought that now it was to re-commence its wanderings. Conscious
+though the old carriage doubtless was that its springs were less
+lissom than they used to be, and that the axles which formerly ran so
+smoothly now creaked alarmingly, and sent sharp twinges quivering
+through its body, it must have felt confident that it could still
+accomplish what it had done fifty years earlier. I feel certain that
+it started full of expectations, as it felt itself guided along the
+familiar road which followed the windings of the lake, with the high
+wooded banks towering over it, and then along a mile of highroad
+between dense plantations of spruce and Scotch fir, until the
+treeless, stonewalled open country of Northern Ireland was reached.
+The hopes of the old carriage must have risen high as the houses of
+the little town came into view; first one-storied, white-washed and
+thatched; then two-storied, white-washed and slated, all alike lying
+under a blue canopy of fragrant peat smoke. The turn to the right was
+the Dublin road, the road which ultimately led to the sea, and to a
+curious heaving contrivance which somehow led over angry waters to new
+and sunnier lands. No; the guiding hands directed its course to the
+left, down the brae, and along the over-familiar road to the station.
+The old Clarence must have recognised with a sigh that its roaming
+days were definitely over, and that henceforth, as long as its
+creaking axles and stiffening springs held together, it could only
+look forward to an uneventful life of monotonous routine in a cold,
+grey Northern land; and, between ourselves, these feelings are not
+confined to superannuated carriages.
+
+The old Clarence had one splendid final adventure before it fell to
+pieces from old age. At the 1892 Election I was the Unionist candidate
+for North Tyrone. In the North of Ireland political lines of
+demarcation are drawn sharply and definitely. People are either on one
+side or the other. I was quite aware that to win the seat I should
+have to poll every available vote. On the polling day I spent the
+whole day in going round the constituency and was consequently away
+from home. Late in the afternoon a messenger arrived at Baron's Court
+announcing that an elderly farmer, who lived six miles off and had
+lost the use of his legs, had been forgotten. As, owing to his
+infirmity, he was unable to sit on a jaunting-car, it had been
+arranged that a carriage should be sent for him, but this had not been
+done. The old man was most anxious to vote, but could only do so were
+a carriage sent for him, and in less than two hours the poll would
+close. My brother Ernest, and my sister-in-law, the present Dowager
+Duchess of Abercorn, were at home, and realising the vital importance
+of every vote, they went at once up to the stables, only to find that
+every available man, horse, or vehicle was already out, conveying
+voters to the poll. The stables were deserted. The Duchess recollected
+the comfortable old Clarence, and she and my brother together rolled
+it out into the yard, but a carriage without horses is rather useless,
+and there was not one single horse left in the stalls. My brother
+rushed off to see if he could find anything with four legs capable of
+dragging a carriage. He was fortunate enough to discover an ancient
+Clydesdale cart-mare in some adjacent farm buildings, but she was the
+solitary tenant of the stalls. He noticed, however, a three-year-old
+filly grazing in the park, and, with the aid of a sieve of oats and a
+halter, he at length succeeded in catching her, leading his two
+captives triumphantly back to the stable-yard. Now came a fresh
+difficulty. Every single set of harness was in use, and the
+harness-room was bare. The Duchess had a sudden inspiration. Over the
+fireplace in the harness-room, displayed in a glass show-case, was a
+set of State harness which my father had had specially made for great
+occasions in Dublin: gorgeous trappings of crimson and silver, heavy
+with bullion. The Duchess hurried off for the key, and with my
+brother's help harnessed the astounded mare and the filly, and then
+put them to. The filly, unlike the majority of the young of her sex,
+had apparently no love for the pomps and vanities of the world, and
+manifested her dislike of the splendours with which she was
+tricked-out by kicking furiously. The unclipped, ungroomed
+farm-horses, bedizened with crimson and silver, must have felt rather
+like a navvy in his working clothes who should suddenly find himself
+decked-out with the blue velvet mantle of a Knight of the Garter over
+his corduroys. The Duchess proposed fetching the old farmer herself,
+so she climbed to the box-seat and gathered the reins into her hands,
+but on being reminded by my brother that time was running short, and
+that the cart-horses would require a good deal of persuasion before
+they could be induced to accelerate their customary sober walk, she
+relinquished her place to him. Off they went, the filly still kicking
+frantically, the old Clydesdale mare, glittering with crimson and
+silver, uncertain as to whether she was dragging a plough or hauling
+the King in his State coach to the Opening of Parliament at
+Westminster. Once on the level the indignant animals felt themselves
+lashed into an unaccustomed gallop; they lumbered along at a clumsy
+canter, shaking the solid ground as they pounded it with their heavy
+feet, the ancient Clarence, enchanted at this last rollicking
+adventure, swaying and rolling behind them like a boat in a heavy sea.
+This extraordinary-looking turn-out continued its headlong course over
+bog-roads and through rough country lanes, to the astonishment of the
+inhabitants, till the lame farmer's house was reached. He was
+carefully lifted into the carriage, conveyed to the polling-place, and
+recorded his vote at 7.54 p.m., with just six minutes to spare before
+the poll closed. As it turned out I won the seat by fifty-six votes,
+so this rapid journey was really superfluous, but we all thought that
+it would be a much closer thing.
+
+In the North of Ireland where majorities, one way or the other, are
+often very narrow, electioneering has been raised almost to a fine
+art. A nephew of mine was the Unionist candidate for a certain city in
+the North of Ireland during the 1911 election. Here again it was
+certain that his majority could only be a very small one, and as is
+the custom in Ulster every individual vote was carefully attended to.
+One man, though a nominal supporter, was notoriously very shaky in his
+allegiance. He was a railway guard and left the city daily on the 7.30
+a.m. train, before the poll would open, returning by the fast train
+from Dublin due at 7.40 p.m. He would thus on the polling day have had
+ample time in which to record his vote. The change in his political
+views was so well known that my nephew's Election Committee had
+written off his vote as a hostile one, but they had reckoned without
+the railway signalman. This signalman was a most ardent political
+partisan and a strong adherent of my nephew's, and he was determined
+to leave nothing to chance. Knowing perfectly how the land lay, he was
+resolved to give the dubious guard no opportunity of recording a
+possibly hostile vote, so, on his own initiative, he put his signals
+against the Dublin train and kept her waiting for twenty-two minutes,
+to the bewilderment of the passengers, until the striking of the
+clocks announced the closing of the poll. Then he released her, and
+the train rolled into the terminus at 8.5 p.m., so I fear that the
+guard was unable to record his vote, hostile or otherwise. I think
+that this is an example of _finesse_ in electioneering which would
+never have occurred to an Englishman. My nephew won the seat by over
+fifty votes.
+
+I have again exceeded the space allotted to me, and am reminded by a
+ruthless publisher of the present high cost of production.
+
+We have strayed together through many lands, and should the pictures
+of these be dull or incomplete, I can but tender my apologies. I am
+quite conscious, too, that I have taken full advantage of the
+privilege which I claimed in the first chapter, and that I have at
+times wandered wide from the track which I was following. I must plead
+in extenuation that the interminable straight roads of France seem to
+me less interesting than the winding country lanes of England.
+Indeed, I am unable to conceive of any one walking for pleasure along
+the endless vistas of the French poplar-bordered highways, where every
+objective is clearly visible for miles ahead; it is the English
+meandering by-roads, with their twists and turns, their unexpected and
+intimate glimpses into rural life, their variety and surprises, which
+tempt the pedestrian on and on. We may accept Euclid's dictum that a
+straight line is the shortest road between two points; a wandering
+line, if longer, is surely as a rule the more interesting.
+
+A Scottish clerical friend of mine, the minister of a large parish in
+the South of Scotland, told me that there were just two categories of
+people in the world, "decent bodies" and the reverse, and that the
+result of his seventy years' experience of this world was that the
+"decent bodies" largely predominated.
+
+Although I am unable to claim quite as many years as my friend the old
+minister, my experience coincides with his, the "decent bodies" are in
+a great majority, I have met them everywhere amongst all classes, and
+in every part of the world, and their skins are not always white.
+
+They may not be conspicuously to the fore, for the "decent bodies" are
+not given to self-advertisement. They have no love for the limelight,
+and would be distinctly annoyed should their advent be heralded with a
+flourish of trumpets. In the garden-borders the mignonette is a very
+inconspicuous little plant, and passes almost unnoticed beside the
+flaunting gaudiness of the dahlia or the showy spikes of the
+hollyhock, yet it is from that modest, low-growing, grey-green flower
+that comes the sweetness that perfumes the whole air, for the most
+optimistic person would hardly expect fragrance from dahlias or
+hollyhocks. They have their uses; they are showy, decorative and
+aspiring, but they do not scent the garden.
+
+Between 1914 and 1918 I, in common with most people, came across
+countless hundreds of "decent bodies," many of them wearing V.A.D.
+nurse's uniforms. These little women did not put on their nurse's
+uniform merely to pose before a camera with elaborately made-up eyes
+and a carefully studied sympathetic expression, to return to ordinary
+fashionable attire at once afterwards. They scrubbed floors, and
+carried heavy weights, and worked till they nearly dropped, week after
+week, month after month, and year after year, but they were never too
+tired to whisper an encouraging word, or render some small service to
+a suffering lad. I wonder how many thousands of these lads owe their
+lives to those quiet, unassuming, patient little "decent bodies" in
+blue linen, and to the element of human sympathy which they supplied.
+And what of the occupants of the hospital beds themselves? We all
+know the splendid record of sufferings patiently borne, of indomitable
+courage and cheerfulness, and of countless little acts of
+thoughtfulness and consideration for others in a worse plight even
+than themselves. Who, after having had that experience, can falter in
+their belief that the "decent bodies" are in a majority?
+
+I know many people looking forward to the future with gloom and
+apprehension. I do not share their views. For the moment the more
+blatant elements in the community are unquestionably monopolising the
+stage and focussing attention on themselves, but I know that behind
+them are the vast unseen armies of the "decent bodies," who will
+assert themselves when the time comes.
+
+These "decent bodies" are not the exclusive product of one country, of
+one class, or of one sex. They are to be found "Here, There, and
+Everywhere."
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Here, There And Everywhere
+by Lord Frederic Hamilton
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HERE, THERE AND EVERYWHERE ***
+
+This file should be named 6368.txt or 6368.zip
+
+Produced by Karen Fabrizius, Juliet Sutherland, Charles Franks
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we usually do not
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+We are now trying to release all our eBooks one year in advance
+of the official release dates, leaving time for better editing.
+Please be encouraged to tell us about any error or corrections,
+even years after the official publication date.
+
+Please note neither this listing nor its contents are final til
+midnight of the last day of the month of any such announcement.
+The official release date of all Project Gutenberg eBooks is at
+Midnight, Central Time, of the last day of the stated month.  A
+preliminary version may often be posted for suggestion, comment
+and editing by those who wish to do so.
+
+Most people start at our Web sites at:
+https://gutenberg.org or
+http://promo.net/pg
+
+These Web sites include award-winning information about Project
+Gutenberg, including how to donate, how to help produce our new
+eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter (free!).
+
+
+Those of you who want to download any eBook before announcement
+can get to them as follows, and just download by date.  This is
+also a good way to get them instantly upon announcement, as the
+indexes our cataloguers produce obviously take a while after an
+announcement goes out in the Project Gutenberg Newsletter.
+
+http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext03 or
+ftp://ftp.ibiblio.org/pub/docs/books/gutenberg/etext03
+
+Or /etext02, 01, 00, 99, 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90
+
+Just search by the first five letters of the filename you want,
+as it appears in our Newsletters.
+
+
+Information about Project Gutenberg (one page)
+
+We produce about two million dollars for each hour we work.  The
+time it takes us, a rather conservative estimate, is fifty hours
+to get any eBook selected, entered, proofread, edited, copyright
+searched and analyzed, the copyright letters written, etc.   Our
+projected audience is one hundred million readers.  If the value
+per text is nominally estimated at one dollar then we produce $2
+million dollars per hour in 2002 as we release over 100 new text
+files per month:  1240 more eBooks in 2001 for a total of 4000+
+We are already on our way to trying for 2000 more eBooks in 2002
+If they reach just 1-2% of the world's population then the total
+will reach over half a trillion eBooks given away by year's end.
+
+The Goal of Project Gutenberg is to Give Away 1 Trillion eBooks!
+This is ten thousand titles each to one hundred million readers,
+which is only about 4% of the present number of computer users.
+
+Here is the briefest record of our progress (* means estimated):
+
+eBooks Year Month
+
+    1  1971 July
+   10  1991 January
+  100  1994 January
+ 1000  1997 August
+ 1500  1998 October
+ 2000  1999 December
+ 2500  2000 December
+ 3000  2001 November
+ 4000  2001 October/November
+ 6000  2002 December*
+ 9000  2003 November*
+10000  2004 January*
+
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation has been created
+to secure a future for Project Gutenberg into the next millennium.
+
+We need your donations more than ever!
+
+As of February, 2002, contributions are being solicited from people
+and organizations in: Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, Connecticut,
+Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Illinois,
+Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Massachusetts,
+Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New
+Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, Ohio,
+Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South
+Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West
+Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming.
+
+We have filed in all 50 states now, but these are the only ones
+that have responded.
+
+As the requirements for other states are met, additions to this list
+will be made and fund raising will begin in the additional states.
+Please feel free to ask to check the status of your state.
+
+In answer to various questions we have received on this:
+
+We are constantly working on finishing the paperwork to legally
+request donations in all 50 states.  If your state is not listed and
+you would like to know if we have added it since the list you have,
+just ask.
+
+While we cannot solicit donations from people in states where we are
+not yet registered, we know of no prohibition against accepting
+donations from donors in these states who approach us with an offer to
+donate.
+
+International donations are accepted, but we don't know ANYTHING about
+how to make them tax-deductible, or even if they CAN be made
+deductible, and don't have the staff to handle it even if there are
+ways.
+
+Donations by check or money order may be sent to:
+
+Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+PMB 113
+1739 University Ave.
+Oxford, MS 38655-4109
+
+Contact us if you want to arrange for a wire transfer or payment
+method other than by check or money order.
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation has been approved by
+the US Internal Revenue Service as a 501(c)(3) organization with EIN
+[Employee Identification Number] 64-622154.  Donations are
+tax-deductible to the maximum extent permitted by law.  As fund-raising
+requirements for other states are met, additions to this list will be
+made and fund-raising will begin in the additional states.
+
+We need your donations more than ever!
+
+You can get up to date donation information online at:
+
+https://www.gutenberg.org/donation.html
+
+
+***
+
+If you can't reach Project Gutenberg,
+you can always email directly to:
+
+Michael S. Hart <hart@pobox.com>
+
+Prof. Hart will answer or forward your message.
+
+We would prefer to send you information by email.
+
+
+**The Legal Small Print**
+
+
+(Three Pages)
+
+***START**THE SMALL PRINT!**FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS**START***
+Why is this "Small Print!" statement here? You know: lawyers.
+They tell us you might sue us if there is something wrong with
+your copy of this eBook, even if you got it for free from
+someone other than us, and even if what's wrong is not our
+fault. So, among other things, this "Small Print!" statement
+disclaims most of our liability to you. It also tells you how
+you may distribute copies of this eBook if you want to.
+
+*BEFORE!* YOU USE OR READ THIS EBOOK
+By using or reading any part of this PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm
+eBook, you indicate that you understand, agree to and accept
+this "Small Print!" statement. If you do not, you can receive
+a refund of the money (if any) you paid for this eBook by
+sending a request within 30 days of receiving it to the person
+you got it from. If you received this eBook on a physical
+medium (such as a disk), you must return it with your request.
+
+ABOUT PROJECT GUTENBERG-TM EBOOKS
+This PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBook, like most PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBooks,
+is a "public domain" work distributed by Professor Michael S. Hart
+through the Project Gutenberg Association (the "Project").
+Among other things, this means that no one owns a United States copyright
+on or for this work, so the Project (and you!) can copy and
+distribute it in the United States without permission and
+without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth
+below, apply if you wish to copy and distribute this eBook
+under the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark.
+
+Please do not use the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark to market
+any commercial products without permission.
+
+To create these eBooks, the Project expends considerable
+efforts to identify, transcribe and proofread public domain
+works. Despite these efforts, the Project's eBooks and any
+medium they may be on may contain "Defects". Among other
+things, Defects may take the form of incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other
+intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged
+disk or other eBook medium, a computer virus, or computer
+codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment.
+
+LIMITED WARRANTY; DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES
+But for the "Right of Replacement or Refund" described below,
+[1] Michael Hart and the Foundation (and any other party you may
+receive this eBook from as a PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBook) disclaims
+all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including
+legal fees, and [2] YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE OR
+UNDER STRICT LIABILITY, OR FOR BREACH OF WARRANTY OR CONTRACT,
+INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE
+OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES, EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE
+POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES.
+
+If you discover a Defect in this eBook within 90 days of
+receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any)
+you paid for it by sending an explanatory note within that
+time to the person you received it from. If you received it
+on a physical medium, you must return it with your note, and
+such person may choose to alternatively give you a replacement
+copy. If you received it electronically, such person may
+choose to alternatively give you a second opportunity to
+receive it electronically.
+
+THIS EBOOK IS OTHERWISE PROVIDED TO YOU "AS-IS". NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, ARE MADE TO YOU AS
+TO THE EBOOK OR ANY MEDIUM IT MAY BE ON, INCLUDING BUT NOT
+LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A
+PARTICULAR PURPOSE.
+
+Some states do not allow disclaimers of implied warranties or
+the exclusion or limitation of consequential damages, so the
+above disclaimers and exclusions may not apply to you, and you
+may have other legal rights.
+
+INDEMNITY
+You will indemnify and hold Michael Hart, the Foundation,
+and its trustees and agents, and any volunteers associated
+with the production and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm
+texts harmless, from all liability, cost and expense, including
+legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the
+following that you do or cause:  [1] distribution of this eBook,
+[2] alteration, modification, or addition to the eBook,
+or [3] any Defect.
+
+DISTRIBUTION UNDER "PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm"
+You may distribute copies of this eBook electronically, or by
+disk, book or any other medium if you either delete this
+"Small Print!" and all other references to Project Gutenberg,
+or:
+
+[1]  Only give exact copies of it.  Among other things, this
+     requires that you do not remove, alter or modify the
+     eBook or this "small print!" statement.  You may however,
+     if you wish, distribute this eBook in machine readable
+     binary, compressed, mark-up, or proprietary form,
+     including any form resulting from conversion by word
+     processing or hypertext software, but only so long as
+     *EITHER*:
+
+     [*]  The eBook, when displayed, is clearly readable, and
+          does *not* contain characters other than those
+          intended by the author of the work, although tilde
+          (~), asterisk (*) and underline (_) characters may
+          be used to convey punctuation intended by the
+          author, and additional characters may be used to
+          indicate hypertext links; OR
+
+     [*]  The eBook may be readily converted by the reader at
+          no expense into plain ASCII, EBCDIC or equivalent
+          form by the program that displays the eBook (as is
+          the case, for instance, with most word processors);
+          OR
+
+     [*]  You provide, or agree to also provide on request at
+          no additional cost, fee or expense, a copy of the
+          eBook in its original plain ASCII form (or in EBCDIC
+          or other equivalent proprietary form).
+
+[2]  Honor the eBook refund and replacement provisions of this
+     "Small Print!" statement.
+
+[3]  Pay a trademark license fee to the Foundation of 20% of the
+     gross profits you derive calculated using the method you
+     already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  If you
+     don't derive profits, no royalty is due.  Royalties are
+     payable to "Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation"
+     the 60 days following each date you prepare (or were
+     legally required to prepare) your annual (or equivalent
+     periodic) tax return.  Please contact us beforehand to
+     let us know your plans and to work out the details.
+
+WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO?
+Project Gutenberg is dedicated to increasing the number of
+public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed
+in machine readable form.
+
+The Project gratefully accepts contributions of money, time,
+public domain materials, or royalty free copyright licenses.
+Money should be paid to the:
+"Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+If you are interested in contributing scanning equipment or
+software or other items, please contact Michael Hart at:
+hart@pobox.com
+
+[Portions of this eBook's header and trailer may be reprinted only
+when distributed free of all fees.  Copyright (C) 2001, 2002 by
+Michael S. Hart.  Project Gutenberg is a TradeMark and may not be
+used in any sales of Project Gutenberg eBooks or other materials be
+they hardware or software or any other related product without
+express permission.]
+
+*END THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS*Ver.02/11/02*END*
+