diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 4 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/63640-h.zip | bin | 481526 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/63640-h/63640-h.htm | 1381 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/63640-h/images/cover.jpg | bin | 253181 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/63640-h/images/illus.jpg | bin | 203514 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/63640.txt | 1274 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/63640.zip | bin | 26237 -> 0 bytes |
9 files changed, 17 insertions, 2655 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0ae5d14 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #63640 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/63640) diff --git a/old/63640-h.zip b/old/63640-h.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index cab9031..0000000 --- a/old/63640-h.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/63640-h/63640-h.htm b/old/63640-h/63640-h.htm deleted file mode 100644 index 9db7dd1..0000000 --- a/old/63640-h/63640-h.htm +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1381 +0,0 @@ -<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" - "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> -<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> - <head> - <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=us-ascii" /> - <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> - <title> - The Project Gutenberg eBook of Jupiter's Joke, by A. L. Haley. - </title> - <link rel="coverpage" href="images/cover.jpg" /> - - <style type="text/css"> - -body { - margin-left: 10%; - margin-right: 10%; -} - - h1,h2 { - text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ - clear: both; -} - -p { - margin-top: .51em; - text-align: justify; - margin-bottom: .49em; -} - -hr { - width: 33%; - margin-top: 2em; - margin-bottom: 2em; - margin-left: 33.5%; - margin-right: 33.5%; - clear: both; -} - -hr.chap {width: 65%; margin-left: 17.5%; margin-right: 17.5%;} -hr.tb {width: 45%; margin-left: 27.5%; margin-right: 27.5%;} - -.center {text-align: center;} - -.right {text-align: right;} - -/* Images */ -.figcenter { - margin: auto; - text-align: center; -} - -div.titlepage { - text-align: center; - page-break-before: always; - page-break-after: always; -} - -div.titlepage p { - text-align: center; - text-indent: 0em; - font-weight: bold; - line-height: 1.5; - margin-top: 3em; -} - -.ph1 { text-align: center; text-indent: 0em; } -.ph1 { font-size: medium; margin: .83em auto; } - - </style> - </head> -<body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Jupiter's Joke, by A. L. Haley - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Jupiter's Joke - -Author: A. L. Haley - -Release Date: November 5, 2020 [EBook #63640] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JUPITER'S JOKE *** - - - - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - -</pre> - - -<div class="titlepage"> - -<h1>JUPITER'S JOKE</h1> - -<h2>By A. L. HALEY</h2> - -<p><i>Casey Ritter, the guy who never turned<br /> -down a dare, breathed a prayer to the gods<br /> -of idiots and spacemen, and headed in toward<br /> -the great red spot of terrible Jupiter.</i></p> - -<p>[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from<br /> -Planet Stories Fall 1954.<br /> -Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that<br /> -the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]</p> - -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p>Those methane and ammonia planets, take it from me, they're the -dead-end of creation, and why the Old Man ever thought them up I'll -never know. I never thought I'd mess around any of them, but things -can sure happen. A man can get himself backed into a corner in this -little old solar system. It just ain't big enough for a gent of scope -and talent; and the day the Solar System Customs caught me red-handed -smuggling Kooleen crystals in from Mars, I knew I was in that corner, -and sewed up tight.</p> - -<p>Sure, the crystals are deadly, but I was smuggling them legitimately, -in a manner of speaking, for this doctor to experiment with. He wasn't -going to sell them for dope. But—and this was the 'but' that was -likely to deprive the System of my activities—even experimenting with -them was illegal even if it needed to be done; also, I had promised not -to rat on him before taking the job.</p> - -<p>Well, Casey Ritter may be a lot of things we won't mention, but he -doesn't rat on his clients. So there I was, closeted with the ten -members of the S.S. Customs Court, getting set to hear the gavel -fall and the head man intone the sentence that would take me out of -circulation for a long, long time. And instead, blast me, if they -didn't foul me with this trip to good old Jupiter.</p> - -<p>I didn't get it at first. I'd argued with 'em, but inside I'd been all -set for the sentence, and even sort of reconciled to it. I could even -hear the words in my mind. But they didn't match what the judge was -saying. I stood there gaping like a beached fish while I sorted it out. -Then I croaked, "Jupiter! What for? Are you running outa space in stir? -Want to choke me to death in chlorine instead?" Being civil to the -court didn't seem important just then. Jupiter was worse than the pen, -a lot worse. Jupiter was a death sentence.</p> - -<p>The senior judge rapped sharply with his gavel. He frowned me down and -then nodded at the judge on his right. This bird, a little old hank of -dried-up straw, joined his fingertips carefully, cleared his scrawny -throat, and told me what for.</p> - -<p>"You've no doubt heard tales of the strange population of Jupiter," -he said. "Every spaceman has, I am sure. Insect-like creatures who -manifestly migrated there from some other system and who inhabit -the Red Spot of the planet, floating in some kind of artificial -anti-gravity field in the gaseous portion of the atmosphere—"</p> - -<p>I snorted. "Aw, hell, judge, that's just one of those screwy fairy -tales! How could any—"</p> - -<p>The senior judge rapped ferociously, and I skidded to a halt. Our -little story teller patiently cleared his skinny throat again. -"I assure you it is no fairy tale. We possess well-authenticated -photographs of these inhabitants, and if you are prepared to visit them -and in some way worm from them the secret of their anti-gravity field, -the government stands ready to issue you a full pardon as well as a -substantial monetary reward. Your talents, Mr. Ritter, seem, shall we -say, eminently suited to the task."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>He beamed at me. I looked around. They were all beaming. At me! -Suddenly I smelled a rat as big as an elephant. That whole Kooleen -caper: Had it been just a trap to lead me straight to this? I hadn't -been able to figure how they'd cracked my setup....</p> - -<p>At the thought my larynx froze up tight. This was worse than I'd -thought. Government men trapping me and then beaming at me. And a full -pardon. And a reward. Oh, no! I told myself, it wasn't possible. Not -when I already had more counts against me than a cur has fleas. Not -unless it was a straight suicide mission!</p> - -<p>I feebly massaged my throat. "Pictures?" I whispered. "Show me 'em." -Crude, but it was all I could squeeze out.</p> - -<p>I squeezed out more when I saw those pictures, though. Those -inhabitants were charming, just charming if you like scorpions. Well, -a cross between a scorpion and a grasshopper, to be accurate. Floating -among that red stuff, they showed up a kind of sickly purple turning to -gangrene around the edges.</p> - -<p>The bleat of anguish that accompanied my first view of those beauties -had taken my voice again. "How big?" I whispered.</p> - -<p>He shrugged, trying for nonchalance. "About the size of a man, I -believe."</p> - -<p>I raised my shrinking head. "Take me to jail!" I said firmly, and -collapsed onto my chair.</p> - -<p>A crafty-eyed buzzard across the table leaned toward me. "So this is -the great Casey Ritter, daredevil of the Solar System!" he sneered. -"Never loses a bet, never turns down a dare!"</p> - -<p>I shuddered. "You're telling that one! And besides, a man's got to draw -the line somewhere. And I'm drawing it right here. Take me to jail!"</p> - -<p>They were really stumped. They hadn't expected me to take this attitude -at all. No doubt they had it figured that I'd gratefully throw myself -into a sea of ammonia among man-size scorpions just for the hell of -it. Nuts! After all, in the pen a man can eat and breathe, and a guard -won't reach in and nip off an arm or leg while he's got his back -turned. How stupid could they get?</p> - -<p>When I finally wore them down and got to my little cell, I looked -around it with a feeling of real coziness. I even patted the walls -chummily and snapped a salute at the guard. It makes me grind my molars -now to think of it. The way that bunch of stuffed shirts in the S.S.C. -made a gold-barred chimpanzee out of me has broken my spirit and -turned me into an honest trader. Me, Casey Ritter, slickest slicker in -the Solar System, led like a precious infant right where I'd flatly -refused to go! In plain English, I underestimated the enemy. Feeling -safe and secure in the grip of the good old Iron College, I relaxed.</p> - -<p>At this strategic point, the enemy planted a stoolie on me. Not in my -cell block. They were too smart for that. But we met at recreation, and -his mug seemed familiar, like a wisp of smoke where no smoke has got a -right to be; and after awhile I braced him.</p> - -<p>I was right. I'd met the shrimp before when I was wound up in an -asteroid real estate racket. Pard Hoskins was his alias, and he had the -tag of being a real slick operator. We swapped yarns for about a week -when we met, and then I asked him what's his rap this trip.</p> - -<p>"Oh, a pretty good jolt if they can keep hold of me," he says. "I just -made a pass at the Killicut Emeralds, that's all, and got nabbed."</p> - -<p>"Oh, no!" I moaned. "What were you trying to do, start a feud between -us and Mars?"</p> - -<p>He shrugged, but his little black-currant eyes began to sparkle with -real passion, the high voltage kind that only a woman in a million, or -a million in a bank, can kindle in a guy. "Buddy," he said reverently, -"I'd start more than that just to get me mitts on them stones again! -Why, you ain't never seen jools till you've seen them! Big as hen's -eggs, an even dozen of 'em; and flawless, I'm a-shoutin', not a flaw!" -His eyes watered at the memory, yearning like a hound-dog's over a -fresh scent.</p> - -<p>I couldn't believe it. Those emeralds were in the inner shrine of the -super-sacred, super-secret temple of the cavern-dwelling tribe of -Killicuts on Mars—the real aborigines. Bleachies, we call them, sort -of contemptuously; but those Bleachies are a rough lot when they're -mad, and if Pard had really got near those emeralds, he should be -nothing but a heap of cleaned bones by now. Either he was the world's -champion liar or its bravest son, and either way I took my hat off to -him.</p> - -<p>"How'd you make the getaway?" I asked, taking him at his word.</p> - -<p>He looked loftily past me. "Sorry. Gotta keep that a secret. Likewise -where I cached 'em."</p> - -<p>"Cached what?"</p> - -<p>"The rocks, stupe."</p> - -<p>I hardly heard the cut. "You mean you really did get away with them?" -My jaw must've been hanging down a foot, because I'd just been playing -along with him, not really believing him, and now all of a sudden I -somehow knew that he'd really lifted those emeralds. But how? It was -impossible. I'd investigated once myself.</p> - -<p>He nodded and then moved casually away. I looked up and saw a guard -coming.</p> - -<p>That night I turned on my hard prison cot until my bones were so much -jelly, trying to figure that steal. The next morning I got up burning -with this fever for information, only to find that Pard had got himself -put in solitary for mugging a guard, and that really put the heat on -me. I chewed my fingernails down to the quick by the time he got out a -week later.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>By that time he really had me hooked. I'd of sworn he was leveling -with me. But he wouldn't tell me how he'd worked the steal. Instead, -he opened up on the trade he'd booked for the string. He said, "When I -chisel me way outa this squirrel cage, I'm gonna hit fer good old Jupe -and sell 'em to Akroida. She's nuts about jools. What that old girl -won't give me fer 'em—" He whistled appreciatively, thinking about it.</p> - -<p>"Jupiter!" I goggled at him. "Akroida! Who's she?"</p> - -<p>He looked at me as if I hadn't yet got out from under the rock where he -was sure I'd been born. "Don't you know nothin', butterhead?"</p> - -<p>From him I took it. I even waited patiently till the master spoke -again. The memory still makes me fry.</p> - -<p>"Akroida," he explained in his own sweet time, "is the queen-scorp -of them idiotic scorpions that lives on Jupiter. I sold her the -Halcyon Diamond that disappeared from the World Museum five years ago, -remember?" He winked broadly. "It come from Mars in the first place, -you know. Mars! What a place fer jools! Damn desert's lousy with 'em, -if it wasn't so much trouble to dig 'em out—" He went off into a dream -about the rocks on Mars but I jerked him back.</p> - -<p>"You mean those scorpions have really got brains?"</p> - -<p>"Brains!" he snorted. "Have they got brains! Why, they're smarter than -people! And not ferocious, neither, in spite of how they look, if you -just leave 'em alone. That's all they want, just to be left alone. -Peace an' quiet, and lots of methane and ammonia and arsenic, that's -fer them. Besides, the space suit rig you got to wear, they can't bite -you. Akroida's not a bad old girl. Partial to arsenic on her lettuce, -so I brought her a hundred pounds of the stuff, an' she went fer that -almost like it was diamonds, too. Did I rate around there fer awhile!" -He sighed regretfully. "But then I went and made her mad, an' I'm kinda -persona non grata there right now. By the time I gnaw outa this here -cheese trap, though, I figger she'll be all cooled off and ready fer -them emeralds."</p> - -<p>I went back to my cot that night, and this time instead of biting my -nails, I bit myself. So I faced it. Casey Ritter lost his nerve, and -along with it, the chance of a lifetime. A better man than me had -already penetrated the Great Red Spot of old Jupiter and come out -alive. That thought ate me to the quick, and I began to wonder if it -was too late, after all. I could hardly wait for morning to come, so -that I could pry more information out of Pard Hoskins.</p> - -<p>But I didn't see Pard for a few days. And then, a week later, a group -of lifers made a break that didn't jell, and the whole bunch was locked -up in the blockhouse, the special building reserved for escapees. Pard -Hoskins was in the bunch. He'd never get out of there, and he knew it. -So did I.</p> - -<p>For three more days I worked down my knuckles, my nails being gone, -while I sat around all hunched up, wondering feverishly if Pard would -make a deal about those emeralds. Then I broke down and sent out a -letter to the S.S.C.</p> - -<p>The Big Sneer of the conference table promptly dropped in on me, -friendly as a bottle of strychnine. But for a lad headed for Jupiter -that was good training, so I sneered right back at him, explained the -caper, and we both paid a visit to Pard. In two days the deal was made -and the caper set up. There were a few bits of info that Pard had to -shell out, like where the emeralds were, and how to communicate with -those scorpions, and how he'd made Akroida mad.</p> - -<p>"I put on a yeller slicker," he confessed sadly. "That there ammonia -mist was eatin' into the finish on my spacesuit, so I draped this -here slicker around me to sorta fancy up the rig before goin' in to -an audience with the old rip." He shook his head slowly. "The kid -that took me in was colorblind, so I didn't have no warning at all. -I found out that them scorpions can't stand yeller. It just plain -drives them nuts! Thought they'd chaw me up and spit me out into the -chlorine before I could get outa the damn thing. If my colorblind pal -hadn't helped me, they'd of done it, too. And Akroida claimed I done it -a-purpose to upset her."</p> - -<p>Then he winked at me. "But then I got off in a corner and cooked up -some perfume that drives them nuts the other way; sorta frantic with -ecstasy, like the book says. Didn't have a chance to try it on Akroida, -though. She wouldn't give me another audience. It's in the stuff they -cleaned outa me room: a poiple bottle with a bright green stopper."</p> - -<p>He ruminated a few minutes. "Tell you what, chump. Make them shell out -with a green an' poiple spacesuit—them's the real Jupiter colors—an' -put just a touch o' that there perfume on the outside of it. Akroida'll -do anything fer you if she just gets a whiff. Just anything! But -remember, don't use but a drop. It's real powerful."</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p class="ph1">II</p> - -<p>Real powerful, said the man. What an understatement! But the day I was -set adrift in that sea of frozen ammonia clouds mixed with nice cozy -methane gas I sure prayed for it to be powerful, and I clutched that -tiny bottle like that boy Aladdin clutching his little old lamp.</p> - -<p>I'd had a lot of cooperation getting that far. An Earth patrol had -slipped down onto the Red Desert of Mars and picked up the Killicut -Emeralds from where Pard Hoskins had cached them; and safe out in space -again, we had pored over that string of green headlights practically -slobbering. But the Big Sneer of the S.S.C., the fellow that had got -me into this caper, was right there to take the joy out of it all and -to remind me that this was public service, strictly.</p> - -<p>"These—" he had proclaimed with a disdainful flourish, like a placer -miner pointing to a batch of fool's gold—"These jewels are as nothing, -Ritter, compared with the value of the secret you are to buy with -them. And be assured that if you're man enough to effect the trade—" -He paused, his long nose twitching cynically—"IF you succeed, your -reward will be triple what you could get for them in any market. Added -to which, IF you succeed, you will be a free man."</p> - -<p>That twitch of the nose riled me no little. "I ain't failed yet!" I -snarled at him. "Just you wait till I do, feller!" I slipped the string -of emeralds back into its little safe. "Instead of sniping at me, why -don't you get that brain busy and set our rendezvous?"</p> - -<p>With that we got down to business and fixed a meeting point out on -Jupiter's farthest moon; then they took me in to the edge of Jupiter's -ice-cloud and turned me loose in a peanut of a space boat with old Jupe -looming ahead bigger than all outdoors and the Red Spot dead ahead. I -patted my pretty enameled suit, which was a study in paris green and -passionate purple.</p> - -<p>I patted the three hundred pounds of arsenic crystals for Akroida and -anyone else I might have to bribe. I anxiously examined my suit's air -and water containers and the heating unit that would keep them in -their proper state. I had already gone over the space boat. Yeah, I -was as nervous as a cat with new kittens. Feeling again for my little -bottle of horrid stench, I breathed a prayer to the god of idiots and -spacemen, and headed in. The big ship was long gone, and I felt like a -mighty small and naked microbe diving into the Pacific Ocean.</p> - -<p>That famous Red Spot was that big, too. It kept expanding until the -whole universe was a fierce, raw luminous red. Out beyond it at first -there had been fringes of snow-white frozen ammonia, but now it was all -dyed redder than Mars. Then I took the plunge right into it. Surprise! -The stuff was plants! Plants as big as meadows, bright red, floating -around in those clouds of frozen ammonia like seaweed! Then I noticed -that the ammonia around them wasn't frozen any more and peeked at the -outside thermometer I couldn't believe it. It was above zero. Then I -forgot about the temperature because it dawned on me that I was lost. I -couldn't see a thing but drifting ammonia fog and those tangles of red -floating plants like little islands all around. Cutting down the motor, -I eased along.</p> - -<p>But my green boat must have showed up like a lighthouse in all that -red, because it wasn't long until I spotted a purple and green -hopper-scorp traveling straight toward me, sort of rowing along with -a pair of stubby wings. He didn't seem to be making much effort, even -though he was climbing vertically up from the planet. In fact, he -didn't seem to be climbing at all but just going along horizontally. -There just wasn't any up or down in that crazy place. It must be that -anti-grav field, I concluded. The air was getting different, too, now -that I was further in. I'm no chemist, and I couldn't have gotten out -there to experiment if I had been, but those plants were certainly -doing something to that ammonia and methane. The fog thinned, for one -thing, and the temperature rose to nearly forty.</p> - -<p>Meanwhile the hopper-scorp reached the ship. Hastily I squirted some of -my Scorpion-Come-Hither lure on the chest of my spacesuit, opened the -lock, and popped out, brave as could be. Face to face with that thing, -though, I nearly lost my grip on the handle. In fact, I'd have fainted -dead away right there if Pard Hoskins hadn't been there already and -lived. If that little shrimp could do it, I could, too.</p> - -<p>I braced up and tapped out the greeting Pard had taught me. My -fiendish-looking opponent tapped right back, inquiring why the hell -I was back so soon when I knew that Akroida was all set to carve me -into steaks for just any meal. But the tone was friendly and even -intimate—or rather, the taps were. There was even a rather warm -expression discernible in the thing's eyes, so I took heart and decided -to ignore the ferocious features surrounding those eyes. After all, the -poor sinner's map was made of shell, and he wasn't responsible for its -expression.</p> - -<p>I tapped back very politely that he must be mistaking me for someone -else. "I've never been here before, and so I've never met the charming -lady," I informed him. "However, I have something very special in the -way of jewels—not with me, naturally—and the rumor is that she might -be interested."</p> - -<p>He reared back at that, and reaching up, plucked his right eye out of -the socket and reeled it out to the end of a two-foot tentacle, and -then he examined me with it just like an old-time earl with one of -those things they called monocles. Pard hadn't warned me about those -removable eyes, for reasons best known to himself. I still wake up -screaming....</p> - -<p>Anyway, when that thing pulled out its eye and held it toward me, I -backed up against the side of the ship like I'd been half-electrocuted. -Then I gagged. But I could still remember that I had to live in that -suit for awhile, so I held on. Then that monstrosity reeled in the eye, -and I gagged again.</p> - -<p>My actions didn't bother him a bit. "Jewels, did you say?" he tapped -out thoughtfully, just like an ordinary business man, and I managed to -tap out yes. He drifted closer; close enough to get a whiff....</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A shudder of ecstasy stiffened him. His head and eyes rolled with it, -and he wafted closer still. Right there I began to harbor a premonition -that there might be such a thing as being too popular in Scorpdom, but -I thrust this sneak-thief idea back into limbo.</p> - -<p>Taking advantage of his condition, I boldly tapped out, "How's about -taking me on a guided tour through this red spinach patch to Akroida, -old pal?" Or words to that effect.</p> - -<p>He lolled his hideous cranium practically on my shoulder. "Anything! -Just anything you desire, my dearest friend."</p> - -<p>I tried to back off from him a bit, but the ship stopped me. "I'm Casey -Ritter. What's your label, chum?"</p> - -<p>"Attaboy," he ticked coyly.</p> - -<p>"Attaboy?" Things blurred around me. It couldn't be. It was just plain -nuts. Then I got a glimmer through my paralyzed gray matter. "Who named -you that?"</p> - -<p>He simpered. "My dear friend, Pard Hoskins."</p> - -<p>I breathed again. How simple could I get? He'd already mistaken me for -Pard, hadn't he? Then I remembered something else. "How come you aren't -mad at him? Don't you hate yellow, too?"</p> - -<p>He hung his silly head. "I fear I am colorblind," he confessed sadly.</p> - -<p>Right there I forgave him for pulling that eye on me. He was the guide -I needed, the one who had got Pard out alive. I almost hugged him. -"Lead off, old pal," I sang out, and then had to tap it. "I'll follow -in my boat."</p> - -<p>Well, I'd met the first of the brood and was still alive. Not only -alive but loved and cherished, thanks to Pard's inventiveness and to -a kindly fate which had sent Pard's old pal my way. A great man, Pard -Hoskins. How had he made friends with the brute in the first place?</p> - -<p>Being once more inside my spaceboat, I raised my helmet, which was like -one of those head-pieces they used to put on suits of armor instead of -the usual plastic bubble. And it was rigged out with phony antennae and -mandibles and other embellishments calculated to interest my hosts. -Whether it interested them or not, it was plenty uncomfortable for me.</p> - -<p>Peeking out the porthole I saw that my guide was fidgeting and looking -over his shoulder at my ship, so I eased in the controls and edge after -him. To my surprise a vapor shot out of a box that I had taken for a -natural lump on his back, and he darted away from me. I opened the -throttle and tore after him among the immense red blobs that were now -beginning to be patterned with dozens of green-and-purple scorpions, -all busy filling huge baskets with buds and tendrils, no doubt.</p> - -<p>Other scorpions oared and floated about in twos and threes in a free -and peaceable manner that almost made me forget that I was scared to -death of them, and they stared at my boat with only a mild interest -that would have taught manners to most of my fellow citizens of Earth.</p> - -<p>It wasn't until we had covered some two hundred miles of this that -something began to loom out of the mist, and I forgot the playboys and -the field workers. It loomed higher and higher. Then we burst out into -a clearing several miles in diameter, and I saw the structure clearly. -It was red, like everything else in this screwy place, and could only -have been built out of compressed blocks of the red plant.</p> - -<p>In shape it was a perfect octagon. It hung poised in the center of the -cleared space, suspended on nothing. It had to be at least a mile in -diameter, and its sides were pierced with thousands of openings through -which its nightmare occupants appeared and disappeared, drifting in -and out like they had all the time in the world. I stared until my -eyeballs felt paralyzed.</p> - -<p>Pard was right again. These critters had brains. And my S.S.C. -persecutor was right, too. That anti-grav secret was worth more than -any string of rocks in the system, including the Killicut Emeralds.</p> - -<p>Then I swallowed hard. Attaboy was leading me straight across to a -window. Closing my helmet, my fingers fumbled badly. My brain was -fumbling, too. "Zero hour, chump!" it told me, and I shuddered. Picking -up the first hundred pounds of the arsenic, I wobbled over to the -airlock.</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p class="ph1">III</p> - -<p>That palace was like nothing on earth. Naturally, you'll say, it's -on Jupiter. But I mean it was even queerer than that. It was like no -building on any planet at all. And, in fact, it wasn't on a planet; it -was floating up there only two hundred miles in from the raw edge of -space.</p> - -<p>In that building everything stayed right where it was put. If it was -put twelve or fifty feet up off the floor, it stayed there. Not that -there wasn't gravity. There was plenty of gravity to suit me—just -right, in fact—and still they had furniture sitting around in the air -as solid as if on a floor. Which was fine for flying hopper-scorps, but -what about Casey Ritter, who hadn't cultivated even a feather?</p> - -<p>Attaboy, however, had the answers for everything. Towing me from the -airlock to the window ledge, he again sniffed that delectable odor on -my chest, caressed me with his front pair of legs while I manfully -endured, and then without warning tossed me onto his back above the -little box and flew off with me along a tunnel with luminous red walls.</p> - -<p>We finally came to the central hall of the palace, and at the sight -of all that space dropping away, I clutched at his shell and nearly -dropped the arsenic. But he didn't have any brakes I could grab, so he -just flew out into mid-air in a room that could have swallowed a city -block, skyscrapers and all. It was like a mammoth red cavern, and it -glowed like the inside of a red light.</p> - -<p>No wonder those scorpions like green and purple. What a relief from all -that red!</p> - -<p>A patch in the middle of the hall became a floating platform holding up -a divan twenty feet square covered with stuff as green as new spring -grass, and in the center of this reclined Akroida. It had to be. Who -else could look like that? No one, believe me, boys and girls, no one!</p> - -<p>Our little Akroida was a pure and peculiarly violent purple—not a -green edge anywhere. She was even more purple than my fancy enameled -space suit, and she was big enough to comfortably fill most of that -twenty-foot couch. To my shrinking eyes right then she looked as big as -a ten-ton cannon and twice as mean and dangerous. She was idly nipping -here and there as though she was just itching to take a hunk out of -somebody, and the way the servants were edging away out around her, I -could see they didn't want to get in range. I didn't blame them a bit. -Under the vicious sag of her Roman nose, her mandibles kept grinding, -shaking the jewels that were hung all over her repulsive carcass, and -making the Halcyon Diamond on her chest blaze like a bonfire.</p> - -<p>Attaboy dumped me onto a floating cushion where I lay clutching and -shuddering away from her and from the void all around me, and went -across to her alone with the arsenic.</p> - -<p>Akroida rose up sort of languidly on an elbow that was all stripped -bone and sharp as a needle. She pulled an eyeball out about a yard and -scanned Attaboy and the box. He closed in to the couch all hunched -over, ducked his head humbly half-a-dozen times, and pushed the box -over beside her. Akroida eased her eyeball back, opened the box and -sniffed, and then turned to Attaboy with a full-blown Satanic grin. I -could hear her question reverberate away over where I was.</p> - -<p>"Who from?" asked Akroida.</p> - -<p>That conversation was telegraphed to me blow by blow by the actions of -those hopper-scorps. I didn't need their particular brand of Morse Code -at all.</p> - -<p>"Who from?" Attaboy cringed lower and blushed a purple all-over blush. -"Dear lady, it is from an interspace trader who possesses some truly -remarkable jewels," he confessed coyly.</p> - -<p>Akroida toyed with the Halcyon Diamond and ignored the bait. "His -name?" she demanded. And when he told her, with a bad stutter in -his code, she reared up higher on her skinny elbow and glared in my -direction. "Casey Ritter? Never heard of him. Where's he from?"</p> - -<p>Well, after all, she wasn't blind. He had to confess. "I—uh—the -stones were so amazing, Royal Akroida, that I didn't pay much attention -to the—uh—trader. He does seem to resemble an—ah—earthman." He -ducked his head and fearfully waited.</p> - -<p>A sort of jerking quiver ran through Akroida. She reared up even -higher. Her mean Roman nose twitched. "An earthman? Like Pard Hoskins?"</p> - -<p>Attaboy shrank smaller and smaller. He could only nod dumbly.</p> - -<p>The storm broke, all right. That old dame let out a scream like a -maddened stallion and began to thrash around and flail her couch with -that dragon's tail of hers.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I began to quake all over. My nice little jail, I thought frantically. -My cozy little cell. Those dear sweet guards. I'd left them all to be -eaten alive by that purple devil. Why didn't I bat my silly brains -out on my cell wall when this idea first sneaked in? Marooned on that -damned hassock a hundred feet above the floor I began to think, and -fast.</p> - -<p>"Bring him here!" roared Akroida, tapping it out so fast it sounded -like gunfire. She gnashed her mandibles and glared until I started -shriveling. "Bring him here! He'll dare to come around and insult me, -will he? I'll flail him limb from limb and chew his bones to shreds! -I'll bite him into chunks! I'll.... Bring him here!"</p> - -<p>She made a furious lunge at Attaboy. Trembling and blanching to a -muddy lavender, he got out of there and scrambled over to me with big -tears rolling down his stiff shell cheeks. Why the poor purple sap, I -thought, he really cares! These things really have feelings! I looked -at him with new respect and even a little affection.</p> - -<p>"Look, kid," I admonished, trying to keep my fingers from shaking as -I tapped. "Just don't worry about a thing. I still think I can handle -this. Just take me across slow and easy, and we'll hope for the best."</p> - -<p>With a mournful sigh he picked me up, tossed me onto his shoulder, and -as per instructions, drifted over to the floating platform.</p> - -<p>All I had was the little bottle of Pard's scorp-scent. "This had better -be good!" I confided to the image of Pard Hoskins, which somehow -managed to get between me and that raging she-dragon on the couch. -"This had sure better be good, son!"</p> - -<p>I waited until Akroida was leaning forward practically gnashing her -mandibles in my face while her front pair of legs grabbed and pawed -for me. She was too fat and bulky to jump at me, or I'd have been a -dead planet-bo right there. But I had to take the chance. There wasn't -a drop of perfume to waste. At the last moment I lifted that precious -little bottle and squirted the stuff right in her face.</p> - -<p>Her mandibles flew open and stayed there. Slowly her front legs -dropped; a film of ecstasy formed over those wild glittering eyes. She -sank back and began to croon. Yes, croon! My helmet vibrated with it.</p> - -<p>Then her long skinny front legs made beckoning motions to me. Frosts of -romance! She wanted me to share her couch!</p> - -<p>Attaboy didn't ask if I was willing. Delightedly he dumped me beside -her. And then, having inhaled some of that perfume himself and not -being able to tear himself away, he forgot all about etiquette and -curled up beside us to bask some more in those luscious mists.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>What's more revolting than a hopper-scorp in a tantrum? I'll tell you, -chums: a hopper-scorp in the throes of infatuation! Especially when the -hopper-scorp in question is Akroida. For one thing, she's so big. And -for another, she's so unmentionably thorough. She was infatuated from -the spike on her repulsive forehead down to the devilish sting on her -tail. With me!</p> - -<p>I tried to tell her it was Attaboy she must love, not me. She merely -wallowed her hideous head, as big as a bucket, in my suffering lap, -clattering it against my enameled space suit; she rolled her horrible -eyes while her whole monstrosity of a body twitched and quivered with -emotion. I tried to turn the conversation to the emeralds. She wasn't -even interested. We hadn't needed the emeralds at all; we'd only needed -Pard's special concoction. Furtively, behind the horseplay, I began to -plan to salvage those emeralds for myself.</p> - -<p>That stuff must have been making me delirious, too.</p> - -<p>I don't know how long that blood-curdling love scene went on. That -awful she-scorp picked me up and rocked me while I scraped diamonds -and rubies along my visor and chest. She signalled servants who were -hovering on all sides taking in the show, and they rushed to bring -tidbits that I had to hide behind cushions because I couldn't open my -helmet in that atmosphere. Then the servants, getting whiffs of that -cursed perfume, would snuggle up with us, until there wasn't elbow room -on that big couch. Akroida would churn her tail around and knock them -all off so that she could cuddle me better. Then she got the idea of -singing to me. And my air was running out.</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="figcenter"> - <img src="images/illus.jpg" alt=""/> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p>Finally, while I still had a bit of air left, the jag began to wear -off, and Akroida slumped over and went to sleep holding me tenderly -against her breast-shell. The moment I felt her grip relax, I wiggled -out of there. Attaboy was fast asleep too. Desperately I decided that -I could row through the air if those scorps could. Grabbing Attaboy's -arm, I stepped off into nothing. Sure enough, the anti-grav worked for -me, too. Sweating with the thought of what would have been left of -Casey Ritter if it hadn't, I sort of swam away from there, towing my -guide. Out at the boat, I anchored him outside the airlock and crawled -inside. I'm not ashamed to admit that I got out of my helmet, gasped in -some good old oxygen, and collapsed. What a day!</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p class="ph1">IV</p> - -<p>When the time rolled around for my next visit to Akroida, I decided -to play it cool and careful. I was fortified with a snooze, a slug of -Scotch, and a meal, but I still wasn't busting out with courage. I made -a mental note to be damn cautious about that perfume. Maybe it was -necessary to overdo it that first time, with her shouting for my blood, -but that was all past I hoped.</p> - -<p>I sprayed just a tiny bit on my suit, calculated to soothe and lure -but not to excite. I wanted no more cuddling with Akroida, please! -Then with my pal Attaboy, I stiffened my backbone and plunged out into -that poison gas they call atmosphere. I let Attaboy ferry me. He was -very hazy about our return trip from Akroida's chamber, so I decided to -leave him ignorant. No use to let even him know I could locomote the -scorpion way. I might need to make a getaway, and surprise might be of -the very essence.</p> - -<p>But I didn't need to worry. Old Akroida had slept off her jag, and -right away I found out that she wasn't queen-scorp for nothing. The old -girl was real canny. She made Attaboy park me on a hassock just within -tapping distance, and sat there holding her head in a way that made me -soften with sympathy, knowing just how she felt. Many's the time.... -Yes, sir, poor old Ak was nursing a real, ten-karat hangover. She waved -a claw so feebly it didn't even stir those ropes of jewels hung all -over her. "Casey Ritter," she tapped. "What did you do to me?"</p> - -<p>All to myself, inside my hard-shell suit, I began to laugh; but it was -no laughing matter, because she was beginning to regain her strength. -She pointed a claw at me, and it was quite a bit steadier than the wave -had been. "You did something!" she accused, and very intelligently, -too, for a body that had never before had a hangover. "What was it?"</p> - -<p>I didn't like the tone of that, and began tapping out a hasty denial. -"Not intentionally, noble queen, believe me! I simply brought you that -exquisite perfume as a gift from an admirer of yours whom I met on my -way here. I had no idea how strong it was. I should have tested it -first on your servant here." I pointed to Attaboy. "I can see that we -need to thin it some, but it's wonderful, isn't it, now?"</p> - -<p>She didn't even flutter an antenna at this coyness. "Earthman," she -tapped out sternly, "you want something. Earthmen always bring trouble, -and they always want something! No Earthman brings presents to Akroida -from simple friendship. Tell me what you're after, Casey Ritter!"</p> - -<p>I sighed. "O.K., noble queen. I just wanted to calm you down so I could -talk to you. I didn't have any idea that perfume would affect you that -way. I just thought you'd like it, and then you'd be pleasant and we -could talk."</p> - -<p>She snorted like an old war horse, but that hurt her head. After a -minute of clutching it, she groaned, and then tapped carefully, "I'm -calm now. You can talk. What do you want?"</p> - -<p>"Fine," I tapped out heartily. "I want to make a trade with you."</p> - -<p>Her lack of enthusiasm would have chilled a wooden Indian. But I -figured that the time had come to get on with it, regardless. She just -wasn't going to stall, or let me, either.</p> - -<p>"Ah, yes, a trade!" was all she said, but she gave it a nasty twist.</p> - -<p>I plunge. "I want to swap your anti-gravity secret for a string of the -most magnificent emeralds you ever dreamed of, Akroida. Why, they'd -make that batch you're wearing look like little glass beads! You'll -have to see them to—"</p> - -<p>She didn't let me finish. A sort of high-pitched cackle of amazement -issued from her bony jaws; but then she floored me by changing the -subject completely, I thought. That was just my little error. A man can -sure miss the boat when dealing with these foreign races. She began -to ask me questions about the Earth, and was she interested! She even -forgot about her hangover. And she completely ignored the emeralds. -You'd have thought I hadn't even mentioned the things.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>This went on for about an hour, and then all of a sudden she leaned -back on her paris-green cushions, inhaled a pinch of arsenic, and began -to chuckle a sort of brassy chuckle that sent shivers down my back. The -chuckles got bigger and bigger until she busted out into a full-size -horse laugh that would have jangled the chandelier if there'd been one -to jangle.</p> - -<p>Her head bounced back and forth on her skinny neck, and the Halcyon -Diamond bounced around on her chest like a loose headlight. All her -jewels began to bounce and jangle. Droves of servants swarmed around -to peek, while Attaboy just floated there with his mouth wide open. -I nudged him. "What's so funny?" I asked, but he only shook his head -dumfounded.</p> - -<p>That awful laughing was sure giving me the creeping jeevies, and it -wasn't until she finally tapered off in a series of snorts and giggles -that I began to breathe again. I braced myself for what might come -next. But talk about unpredictable females! Human or scorpion, they're -all the same. She floored me again.</p> - -<p>"It's a deal, Casey Ritter!" She tapped out the words with relish. -"Fair and open, straight across the board. Those emeralds for our -anti-gravity plans and formulae."</p> - -<p>I was stunned. A statement like that after that laugh! And she hadn't -even seen the emeralds. You couldn't tell old horse trader Ritter that -there wasn't something phony. But she just snickered at my expression -and waved to the servants who were still hovering around. It took a -dozen of them to hoist her up.</p> - -<p>With me following on Attaboy, we flew down a serpentine hallway for -half a mile until we came to a room even bigger than her audience -chamber, only this one was filled with machinery suspended in the air -just like the furniture was up above. It was big machinery, too, but it -didn't seem to matter.</p> - -<p>Akroida waved a feeler at it all. "Just to show you that I'm not -holding anything back," she tapped out. "Here it all is, and there on -the wall are the plans and descriptions."</p> - -<p>Attaboy flew me over, and I stared at them. They were a real neat job, -and the mathematics were the same old math we use on Earth, or I was -even more of a sucker than I thought I was. I shook the old bean to -clear it, but I still couldn't get a glimmer about the caper she was -staging. But I could still hear that laugh....</p> - -<p>Well, the rest is history, as the books say. With me still not -believing a word of it, we made the trade, fair and open, as Akroida -had said. She even let me stand by while her scorps copied the plans, -and then I checked and rechecked a dozen times. Not a phony mark -anywhere. When I handed over the emeralds, she cooed in rapture. A -thing like that coo? Well, she did.</p> - -<p>Akroida didn't hardly know I was going. She just waved me, her -lover-for-a-day, carelessly away and went on stroking those beauties, -while the hopper-scorps hovered around in such crowds that Attaboy and -I had to elbow our way out of there. As a parting gift, out at the -edge of that hellish Red Spot, I reached out of the lock and handed -Attaboy the little bottle with what was left of the perfume.</p> - -<p>"Here you are, pal," I tapped. "This'll promote you to Court Lover -number one. Kiss the old girl for me."</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p class="ph1">V</p> - -<p>Back on Earth I was still trancing around feeling the air with my -fingers and pinching myself here and there just to make sure I had -really got out of that inferno all in one piece, when they hauled -me out to the airport to present me with my ship. They even made -a ceremony of it and gave me a medal for distinguished service to -Mankind. And who do you think presented the medal?</p> - -<p>I looked at the dapper little figure waltzing over all togged out -in the S.S.C. uniform, and then I did a double take. It was no -other than my old pal of the Iron College, perfume-manufacturer for -hopper-scorps, Pard Hoskins. He came over and clapped me on the back, -but I didn't feel a thing. I was paralyzed.</p> - -<p>So I'd been taken for a ride right from the start. So they'd outsmarted -me all the way: out-fought and out-figured me, and even planted a -stoolie on me and made me like it.</p> - -<p>I didn't hear a word they said, nor even notice when they pinned -the medal on. When they got through with me, I just crawled into my -beautiful new ship like it was an old tin can and headed out. I didn't -even care right then if I landed back in Akroida's bony lap. I'd have -stuck my head in her mandibles and told her, "Chew it up, Ak. It's just -a cabbage, anyway."</p> - -<p>But a funny thing happened. Out there, mooning along all alone in the -dark with not a soul in a million miles, I heard Akroida laughing. It -was a horrible sound, a kind of metallic neighing and snorting, but -pretty soon I began laughing, too. I didn't know what the joke was, but -all of a sudden I knew I'd find out some day. It did me a lot of good. -I braced up and went on to Venus, where I made some real good trades. -I didn't try any more capers, though. I was all capered out.</p> - -<p>It wasn't until a year later, in a joint on Mars, that I ran into Pard -Hoskins again. I gave him the old frost, but he only grinned sort of -sad and touched me for some of that filthy Martian beer. He looked real -seedy.</p> - -<p>"What's the matter?" I asked, as sarcastic as I could manage. "They -sending you over the road again to nab another sucker?"</p> - -<p>He shook his head, and sighed into his beer. "I got fired, Casey," he -confessed. "Over that there Killicut caper. Those plans—I might of -known." He shook his head again like a tired old man.</p> - -<p>A shiver ran over me. "Here it comes," I thought.</p> - -<p>"What about those plans?" I asked. "Weren't they all O.K.?"</p> - -<p>He sighed again. "Nope. Oh, the plans was O.K. They was strictly bona -fide. Only they won't work on Earth. I told 'em about that anti-grav in -the first place. Then I almost caused an inter-world incident stealin' -the Killicut Emeralds. And now the damn thing won't work on Earth!" He -set to chewing his lip and staring into his beer.</p> - -<p>I took him by his scrawny shoulder and shook. "Why won't it work?" I -yelled. "I knew there was something, the way she laughed! Why won't it -work?"</p> - -<p>He stared dully at me. "Laugh, did she? Well, she sure had the last -laugh. It won't work in our atmosphere; just on a chlorine or methane -planet. It works like the poles of a battery. That Great Red Spot is -just the negative pole. All those there plants change the atmosphere -just enough to make it a strong negative field. Then all they have to -do is counter-balance that with enough positive, and there they are. It -works like anti-gravity, only it ain't. Only we ain't got an atmosphere -we can work that way. Cripes! So she laughed!" His hoarse voice stopped -and he stared bitterly at the wall. Then he cussed for two minutes -without stopping. He took a big swig of that rotten beer. "I'll bet -she's laughing herself fat, the old rip!"</p> - -<p>Well, I hope she is. In the dead of night sometimes I can hear her; and -pretty soon I'm laughing, too....</p> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Jupiter's Joke, by A. L. Haley - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JUPITER'S JOKE *** - -***** This file should be named 63640-h.htm or 63640-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/3/6/4/63640/ - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part -of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm -concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, -and may not be used if you charge for the eBooks, unless you receive -specific permission. If you do not charge anything for copies of this -eBook, complying with the rules is very easy. You may use this eBook -for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, -performances and research. They may be modified and printed and given -away--you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks -not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the -trademark license, especially commercial redistribution. - -START: FULL LICENSE - -THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE -PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK - -To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free -distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work -(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full -Project Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at -www.gutenberg.org/license. - -Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works - -1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to -and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property -(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all -the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or -destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your -possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a -Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound -by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the -person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph -1.E.8. - -1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be -used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who -agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few -things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See -paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this -agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. - -1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the -Foundation" or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection -of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual -works in the collection are in the public domain in the United -States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the -United States and you are located in the United States, we do not -claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, -displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as -all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope -that you will support the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting -free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm -works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the -Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with the work. You can easily -comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the -same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg-tm License when -you share it without charge with others. - -1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern -what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are -in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, -check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this -agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, -distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any -other Project Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no -representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any -country outside the United States. - -1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: - -1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other -immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear -prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work -on which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the -phrase "Project Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, -performed, viewed, copied or distributed: - - This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and - most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no - restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it - under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this - eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the - United States, you'll have to check the laws of the country where you - are located before using this ebook. - -1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is -derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not -contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the -copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in -the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are -redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply -either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or -obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg-tm -trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted -with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution -must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any -additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms -will be linked to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works -posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the -beginning of this work. - -1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this -work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. - -1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this -electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without -prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with -active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project -Gutenberg-tm License. - -1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, -compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including -any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access -to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format -other than "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official -version posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site -(www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense -to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means -of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original "Plain -Vanilla ASCII" or other form. Any alternate format must include the -full Project Gutenberg-tm License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. - -1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, -performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works -unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing -access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -provided that - -* You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from - the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method - you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed - to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he has - agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project - Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid - within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are - legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty - payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project - Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in - Section 4, "Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg - Literary Archive Foundation." - -* You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies - you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he - does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm - License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all - copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue - all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg-tm - works. - -* You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of - any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the - electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of - receipt of the work. - -* You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free - distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work or group of works on different terms than -are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing -from both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and The -Project Gutenberg Trademark LLC, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm -trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. - -1.F. - -1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable -effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread -works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project -Gutenberg-tm collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may -contain "Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate -or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other -intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or -other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or -cannot be read by your equipment. - -1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right -of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project -Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all -liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal -fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT -LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE -PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE -TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE -LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR -INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH -DAMAGE. - -1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a -defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can -receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a -written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you -received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium -with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you -with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in -lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person -or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second -opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If -the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing -without further opportunities to fix the problem. - -1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth -in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO -OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT -LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. - -1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied -warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of -damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement -violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the -agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or -limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or -unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the -remaining provisions. - -1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the -trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone -providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in -accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the -production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, -including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of -the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this -or any Project Gutenberg-tm work, (b) alteration, modification, or -additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any -Defect you cause. - -Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm - -Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of -electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of -computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It -exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations -from people in all walks of life. - -Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the -assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's -goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will -remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure -and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future -generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see -Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at -www.gutenberg.org - - - -Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation - -The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit -501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the -state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal -Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification -number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by -U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. - -The Foundation's principal office is in Fairbanks, Alaska, with the -mailing address: PO Box 750175, Fairbanks, AK 99775, but its -volunteers and employees are scattered throughout numerous -locations. Its business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt -Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to -date contact information can be found at the Foundation's web site and -official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact - -For additional contact information: - - Dr. Gregory B. Newby - Chief Executive and Director - gbnewby@pglaf.org - -Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation - -Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide -spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of -increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be -freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest -array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations -($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt -status with the IRS. - -The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating -charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United -States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a -considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up -with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations -where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND -DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular -state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate - -While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we -have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition -against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who -approach us with offers to donate. - -International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make -any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from -outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. - -Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation -methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other -ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To -donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate - -Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. - -Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project -Gutenberg-tm concept of a library of electronic works that could be -freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and -distributed Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of -volunteer support. - -Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed -editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in -the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not -necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper -edition. - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search -facility: www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. - - - -</pre> - -</body> -</html> diff --git a/old/63640-h/images/cover.jpg b/old/63640-h/images/cover.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index bcd6295..0000000 --- a/old/63640-h/images/cover.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/63640-h/images/illus.jpg b/old/63640-h/images/illus.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 173d625..0000000 --- a/old/63640-h/images/illus.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/63640.txt b/old/63640.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 0a9650e..0000000 --- a/old/63640.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1274 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Jupiter's Joke, by A. L. Haley - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Jupiter's Joke - -Author: A. L. Haley - -Release Date: November 5, 2020 [EBook #63640] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JUPITER'S JOKE *** - - - - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - - - JUPITER'S JOKE - - By A. L. HALEY - - _Casey Ritter, the guy who never turned - down a dare, breathed a prayer to the gods - of idiots and spacemen, and headed in toward - the great red spot of terrible Jupiter._ - - [Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from - Planet Stories Fall 1954. - Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that - the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.] - - -Those methane and ammonia planets, take it from me, they're the -dead-end of creation, and why the Old Man ever thought them up I'll -never know. I never thought I'd mess around any of them, but things -can sure happen. A man can get himself backed into a corner in this -little old solar system. It just ain't big enough for a gent of scope -and talent; and the day the Solar System Customs caught me red-handed -smuggling Kooleen crystals in from Mars, I knew I was in that corner, -and sewed up tight. - -Sure, the crystals are deadly, but I was smuggling them legitimately, -in a manner of speaking, for this doctor to experiment with. He wasn't -going to sell them for dope. But--and this was the 'but' that was -likely to deprive the System of my activities--even experimenting with -them was illegal even if it needed to be done; also, I had promised not -to rat on him before taking the job. - -Well, Casey Ritter may be a lot of things we won't mention, but he -doesn't rat on his clients. So there I was, closeted with the ten -members of the S.S. Customs Court, getting set to hear the gavel -fall and the head man intone the sentence that would take me out of -circulation for a long, long time. And instead, blast me, if they -didn't foul me with this trip to good old Jupiter. - -I didn't get it at first. I'd argued with 'em, but inside I'd been all -set for the sentence, and even sort of reconciled to it. I could even -hear the words in my mind. But they didn't match what the judge was -saying. I stood there gaping like a beached fish while I sorted it out. -Then I croaked, "Jupiter! What for? Are you running outa space in stir? -Want to choke me to death in chlorine instead?" Being civil to the -court didn't seem important just then. Jupiter was worse than the pen, -a lot worse. Jupiter was a death sentence. - -The senior judge rapped sharply with his gavel. He frowned me down and -then nodded at the judge on his right. This bird, a little old hank of -dried-up straw, joined his fingertips carefully, cleared his scrawny -throat, and told me what for. - -"You've no doubt heard tales of the strange population of Jupiter," -he said. "Every spaceman has, I am sure. Insect-like creatures who -manifestly migrated there from some other system and who inhabit -the Red Spot of the planet, floating in some kind of artificial -anti-gravity field in the gaseous portion of the atmosphere--" - -I snorted. "Aw, hell, judge, that's just one of those screwy fairy -tales! How could any--" - -The senior judge rapped ferociously, and I skidded to a halt. Our -little story teller patiently cleared his skinny throat again. -"I assure you it is no fairy tale. We possess well-authenticated -photographs of these inhabitants, and if you are prepared to visit them -and in some way worm from them the secret of their anti-gravity field, -the government stands ready to issue you a full pardon as well as a -substantial monetary reward. Your talents, Mr. Ritter, seem, shall we -say, eminently suited to the task." - - * * * * * - -He beamed at me. I looked around. They were all beaming. At me! -Suddenly I smelled a rat as big as an elephant. That whole Kooleen -caper: Had it been just a trap to lead me straight to this? I hadn't -been able to figure how they'd cracked my setup.... - -At the thought my larynx froze up tight. This was worse than I'd -thought. Government men trapping me and then beaming at me. And a full -pardon. And a reward. Oh, no! I told myself, it wasn't possible. Not -when I already had more counts against me than a cur has fleas. Not -unless it was a straight suicide mission! - -I feebly massaged my throat. "Pictures?" I whispered. "Show me 'em." -Crude, but it was all I could squeeze out. - -I squeezed out more when I saw those pictures, though. Those -inhabitants were charming, just charming if you like scorpions. Well, -a cross between a scorpion and a grasshopper, to be accurate. Floating -among that red stuff, they showed up a kind of sickly purple turning to -gangrene around the edges. - -The bleat of anguish that accompanied my first view of those beauties -had taken my voice again. "How big?" I whispered. - -He shrugged, trying for nonchalance. "About the size of a man, I -believe." - -I raised my shrinking head. "Take me to jail!" I said firmly, and -collapsed onto my chair. - -A crafty-eyed buzzard across the table leaned toward me. "So this is -the great Casey Ritter, daredevil of the Solar System!" he sneered. -"Never loses a bet, never turns down a dare!" - -I shuddered. "You're telling that one! And besides, a man's got to draw -the line somewhere. And I'm drawing it right here. Take me to jail!" - -They were really stumped. They hadn't expected me to take this attitude -at all. No doubt they had it figured that I'd gratefully throw myself -into a sea of ammonia among man-size scorpions just for the hell of -it. Nuts! After all, in the pen a man can eat and breathe, and a guard -won't reach in and nip off an arm or leg while he's got his back -turned. How stupid could they get? - -When I finally wore them down and got to my little cell, I looked -around it with a feeling of real coziness. I even patted the walls -chummily and snapped a salute at the guard. It makes me grind my molars -now to think of it. The way that bunch of stuffed shirts in the S.S.C. -made a gold-barred chimpanzee out of me has broken my spirit and -turned me into an honest trader. Me, Casey Ritter, slickest slicker in -the Solar System, led like a precious infant right where I'd flatly -refused to go! In plain English, I underestimated the enemy. Feeling -safe and secure in the grip of the good old Iron College, I relaxed. - -At this strategic point, the enemy planted a stoolie on me. Not in my -cell block. They were too smart for that. But we met at recreation, and -his mug seemed familiar, like a wisp of smoke where no smoke has got a -right to be; and after awhile I braced him. - -I was right. I'd met the shrimp before when I was wound up in an -asteroid real estate racket. Pard Hoskins was his alias, and he had the -tag of being a real slick operator. We swapped yarns for about a week -when we met, and then I asked him what's his rap this trip. - -"Oh, a pretty good jolt if they can keep hold of me," he says. "I just -made a pass at the Killicut Emeralds, that's all, and got nabbed." - -"Oh, no!" I moaned. "What were you trying to do, start a feud between -us and Mars?" - -He shrugged, but his little black-currant eyes began to sparkle with -real passion, the high voltage kind that only a woman in a million, or -a million in a bank, can kindle in a guy. "Buddy," he said reverently, -"I'd start more than that just to get me mitts on them stones again! -Why, you ain't never seen jools till you've seen them! Big as hen's -eggs, an even dozen of 'em; and flawless, I'm a-shoutin', not a flaw!" -His eyes watered at the memory, yearning like a hound-dog's over a -fresh scent. - -I couldn't believe it. Those emeralds were in the inner shrine of the -super-sacred, super-secret temple of the cavern-dwelling tribe of -Killicuts on Mars--the real aborigines. Bleachies, we call them, sort -of contemptuously; but those Bleachies are a rough lot when they're -mad, and if Pard had really got near those emeralds, he should be -nothing but a heap of cleaned bones by now. Either he was the world's -champion liar or its bravest son, and either way I took my hat off to -him. - -"How'd you make the getaway?" I asked, taking him at his word. - -He looked loftily past me. "Sorry. Gotta keep that a secret. Likewise -where I cached 'em." - -"Cached what?" - -"The rocks, stupe." - -I hardly heard the cut. "You mean you really did get away with them?" -My jaw must've been hanging down a foot, because I'd just been playing -along with him, not really believing him, and now all of a sudden I -somehow knew that he'd really lifted those emeralds. But how? It was -impossible. I'd investigated once myself. - -He nodded and then moved casually away. I looked up and saw a guard -coming. - -That night I turned on my hard prison cot until my bones were so much -jelly, trying to figure that steal. The next morning I got up burning -with this fever for information, only to find that Pard had got himself -put in solitary for mugging a guard, and that really put the heat on -me. I chewed my fingernails down to the quick by the time he got out a -week later. - - * * * * * - -By that time he really had me hooked. I'd of sworn he was leveling -with me. But he wouldn't tell me how he'd worked the steal. Instead, -he opened up on the trade he'd booked for the string. He said, "When I -chisel me way outa this squirrel cage, I'm gonna hit fer good old Jupe -and sell 'em to Akroida. She's nuts about jools. What that old girl -won't give me fer 'em--" He whistled appreciatively, thinking about it. - -"Jupiter!" I goggled at him. "Akroida! Who's she?" - -He looked at me as if I hadn't yet got out from under the rock where he -was sure I'd been born. "Don't you know nothin', butterhead?" - -From him I took it. I even waited patiently till the master spoke -again. The memory still makes me fry. - -"Akroida," he explained in his own sweet time, "is the queen-scorp -of them idiotic scorpions that lives on Jupiter. I sold her the -Halcyon Diamond that disappeared from the World Museum five years ago, -remember?" He winked broadly. "It come from Mars in the first place, -you know. Mars! What a place fer jools! Damn desert's lousy with 'em, -if it wasn't so much trouble to dig 'em out--" He went off into a dream -about the rocks on Mars but I jerked him back. - -"You mean those scorpions have really got brains?" - -"Brains!" he snorted. "Have they got brains! Why, they're smarter than -people! And not ferocious, neither, in spite of how they look, if you -just leave 'em alone. That's all they want, just to be left alone. -Peace an' quiet, and lots of methane and ammonia and arsenic, that's -fer them. Besides, the space suit rig you got to wear, they can't bite -you. Akroida's not a bad old girl. Partial to arsenic on her lettuce, -so I brought her a hundred pounds of the stuff, an' she went fer that -almost like it was diamonds, too. Did I rate around there fer awhile!" -He sighed regretfully. "But then I went and made her mad, an' I'm kinda -persona non grata there right now. By the time I gnaw outa this here -cheese trap, though, I figger she'll be all cooled off and ready fer -them emeralds." - -I went back to my cot that night, and this time instead of biting my -nails, I bit myself. So I faced it. Casey Ritter lost his nerve, and -along with it, the chance of a lifetime. A better man than me had -already penetrated the Great Red Spot of old Jupiter and come out -alive. That thought ate me to the quick, and I began to wonder if it -was too late, after all. I could hardly wait for morning to come, so -that I could pry more information out of Pard Hoskins. - -But I didn't see Pard for a few days. And then, a week later, a group -of lifers made a break that didn't jell, and the whole bunch was locked -up in the blockhouse, the special building reserved for escapees. Pard -Hoskins was in the bunch. He'd never get out of there, and he knew it. -So did I. - -For three more days I worked down my knuckles, my nails being gone, -while I sat around all hunched up, wondering feverishly if Pard would -make a deal about those emeralds. Then I broke down and sent out a -letter to the S.S.C. - -The Big Sneer of the conference table promptly dropped in on me, -friendly as a bottle of strychnine. But for a lad headed for Jupiter -that was good training, so I sneered right back at him, explained the -caper, and we both paid a visit to Pard. In two days the deal was made -and the caper set up. There were a few bits of info that Pard had to -shell out, like where the emeralds were, and how to communicate with -those scorpions, and how he'd made Akroida mad. - -"I put on a yeller slicker," he confessed sadly. "That there ammonia -mist was eatin' into the finish on my spacesuit, so I draped this -here slicker around me to sorta fancy up the rig before goin' in to -an audience with the old rip." He shook his head slowly. "The kid -that took me in was colorblind, so I didn't have no warning at all. -I found out that them scorpions can't stand yeller. It just plain -drives them nuts! Thought they'd chaw me up and spit me out into the -chlorine before I could get outa the damn thing. If my colorblind pal -hadn't helped me, they'd of done it, too. And Akroida claimed I done it -a-purpose to upset her." - -Then he winked at me. "But then I got off in a corner and cooked up -some perfume that drives them nuts the other way; sorta frantic with -ecstasy, like the book says. Didn't have a chance to try it on Akroida, -though. She wouldn't give me another audience. It's in the stuff they -cleaned outa me room: a poiple bottle with a bright green stopper." - -He ruminated a few minutes. "Tell you what, chump. Make them shell out -with a green an' poiple spacesuit--them's the real Jupiter colors--an' -put just a touch o' that there perfume on the outside of it. Akroida'll -do anything fer you if she just gets a whiff. Just anything! But -remember, don't use but a drop. It's real powerful." - - - II - -Real powerful, said the man. What an understatement! But the day I was -set adrift in that sea of frozen ammonia clouds mixed with nice cozy -methane gas I sure prayed for it to be powerful, and I clutched that -tiny bottle like that boy Aladdin clutching his little old lamp. - -I'd had a lot of cooperation getting that far. An Earth patrol had -slipped down onto the Red Desert of Mars and picked up the Killicut -Emeralds from where Pard Hoskins had cached them; and safe out in space -again, we had pored over that string of green headlights practically -slobbering. But the Big Sneer of the S.S.C., the fellow that had got -me into this caper, was right there to take the joy out of it all and -to remind me that this was public service, strictly. - -"These--" he had proclaimed with a disdainful flourish, like a placer -miner pointing to a batch of fool's gold--"These jewels are as nothing, -Ritter, compared with the value of the secret you are to buy with -them. And be assured that if you're man enough to effect the trade--" -He paused, his long nose twitching cynically--"IF you succeed, your -reward will be triple what you could get for them in any market. Added -to which, IF you succeed, you will be a free man." - -That twitch of the nose riled me no little. "I ain't failed yet!" I -snarled at him. "Just you wait till I do, feller!" I slipped the string -of emeralds back into its little safe. "Instead of sniping at me, why -don't you get that brain busy and set our rendezvous?" - -With that we got down to business and fixed a meeting point out on -Jupiter's farthest moon; then they took me in to the edge of Jupiter's -ice-cloud and turned me loose in a peanut of a space boat with old Jupe -looming ahead bigger than all outdoors and the Red Spot dead ahead. I -patted my pretty enameled suit, which was a study in paris green and -passionate purple. - -I patted the three hundred pounds of arsenic crystals for Akroida and -anyone else I might have to bribe. I anxiously examined my suit's air -and water containers and the heating unit that would keep them in -their proper state. I had already gone over the space boat. Yeah, I -was as nervous as a cat with new kittens. Feeling again for my little -bottle of horrid stench, I breathed a prayer to the god of idiots and -spacemen, and headed in. The big ship was long gone, and I felt like a -mighty small and naked microbe diving into the Pacific Ocean. - -That famous Red Spot was that big, too. It kept expanding until the -whole universe was a fierce, raw luminous red. Out beyond it at first -there had been fringes of snow-white frozen ammonia, but now it was all -dyed redder than Mars. Then I took the plunge right into it. Surprise! -The stuff was plants! Plants as big as meadows, bright red, floating -around in those clouds of frozen ammonia like seaweed! Then I noticed -that the ammonia around them wasn't frozen any more and peeked at the -outside thermometer I couldn't believe it. It was above zero. Then I -forgot about the temperature because it dawned on me that I was lost. I -couldn't see a thing but drifting ammonia fog and those tangles of red -floating plants like little islands all around. Cutting down the motor, -I eased along. - -But my green boat must have showed up like a lighthouse in all that -red, because it wasn't long until I spotted a purple and green -hopper-scorp traveling straight toward me, sort of rowing along with -a pair of stubby wings. He didn't seem to be making much effort, even -though he was climbing vertically up from the planet. In fact, he -didn't seem to be climbing at all but just going along horizontally. -There just wasn't any up or down in that crazy place. It must be that -anti-grav field, I concluded. The air was getting different, too, now -that I was further in. I'm no chemist, and I couldn't have gotten out -there to experiment if I had been, but those plants were certainly -doing something to that ammonia and methane. The fog thinned, for one -thing, and the temperature rose to nearly forty. - -Meanwhile the hopper-scorp reached the ship. Hastily I squirted some of -my Scorpion-Come-Hither lure on the chest of my spacesuit, opened the -lock, and popped out, brave as could be. Face to face with that thing, -though, I nearly lost my grip on the handle. In fact, I'd have fainted -dead away right there if Pard Hoskins hadn't been there already and -lived. If that little shrimp could do it, I could, too. - -I braced up and tapped out the greeting Pard had taught me. My -fiendish-looking opponent tapped right back, inquiring why the hell -I was back so soon when I knew that Akroida was all set to carve me -into steaks for just any meal. But the tone was friendly and even -intimate--or rather, the taps were. There was even a rather warm -expression discernible in the thing's eyes, so I took heart and decided -to ignore the ferocious features surrounding those eyes. After all, the -poor sinner's map was made of shell, and he wasn't responsible for its -expression. - -I tapped back very politely that he must be mistaking me for someone -else. "I've never been here before, and so I've never met the charming -lady," I informed him. "However, I have something very special in the -way of jewels--not with me, naturally--and the rumor is that she might -be interested." - -He reared back at that, and reaching up, plucked his right eye out of -the socket and reeled it out to the end of a two-foot tentacle, and -then he examined me with it just like an old-time earl with one of -those things they called monocles. Pard hadn't warned me about those -removable eyes, for reasons best known to himself. I still wake up -screaming.... - -Anyway, when that thing pulled out its eye and held it toward me, I -backed up against the side of the ship like I'd been half-electrocuted. -Then I gagged. But I could still remember that I had to live in that -suit for awhile, so I held on. Then that monstrosity reeled in the eye, -and I gagged again. - -My actions didn't bother him a bit. "Jewels, did you say?" he tapped -out thoughtfully, just like an ordinary business man, and I managed to -tap out yes. He drifted closer; close enough to get a whiff.... - - * * * * * - -A shudder of ecstasy stiffened him. His head and eyes rolled with it, -and he wafted closer still. Right there I began to harbor a premonition -that there might be such a thing as being too popular in Scorpdom, but -I thrust this sneak-thief idea back into limbo. - -Taking advantage of his condition, I boldly tapped out, "How's about -taking me on a guided tour through this red spinach patch to Akroida, -old pal?" Or words to that effect. - -He lolled his hideous cranium practically on my shoulder. "Anything! -Just anything you desire, my dearest friend." - -I tried to back off from him a bit, but the ship stopped me. "I'm Casey -Ritter. What's your label, chum?" - -"Attaboy," he ticked coyly. - -"Attaboy?" Things blurred around me. It couldn't be. It was just plain -nuts. Then I got a glimmer through my paralyzed gray matter. "Who named -you that?" - -He simpered. "My dear friend, Pard Hoskins." - -I breathed again. How simple could I get? He'd already mistaken me for -Pard, hadn't he? Then I remembered something else. "How come you aren't -mad at him? Don't you hate yellow, too?" - -He hung his silly head. "I fear I am colorblind," he confessed sadly. - -Right there I forgave him for pulling that eye on me. He was the guide -I needed, the one who had got Pard out alive. I almost hugged him. -"Lead off, old pal," I sang out, and then had to tap it. "I'll follow -in my boat." - -Well, I'd met the first of the brood and was still alive. Not only -alive but loved and cherished, thanks to Pard's inventiveness and to -a kindly fate which had sent Pard's old pal my way. A great man, Pard -Hoskins. How had he made friends with the brute in the first place? - -Being once more inside my spaceboat, I raised my helmet, which was like -one of those head-pieces they used to put on suits of armor instead of -the usual plastic bubble. And it was rigged out with phony antennae and -mandibles and other embellishments calculated to interest my hosts. -Whether it interested them or not, it was plenty uncomfortable for me. - -Peeking out the porthole I saw that my guide was fidgeting and looking -over his shoulder at my ship, so I eased in the controls and edge after -him. To my surprise a vapor shot out of a box that I had taken for a -natural lump on his back, and he darted away from me. I opened the -throttle and tore after him among the immense red blobs that were now -beginning to be patterned with dozens of green-and-purple scorpions, -all busy filling huge baskets with buds and tendrils, no doubt. - -Other scorpions oared and floated about in twos and threes in a free -and peaceable manner that almost made me forget that I was scared to -death of them, and they stared at my boat with only a mild interest -that would have taught manners to most of my fellow citizens of Earth. - -It wasn't until we had covered some two hundred miles of this that -something began to loom out of the mist, and I forgot the playboys and -the field workers. It loomed higher and higher. Then we burst out into -a clearing several miles in diameter, and I saw the structure clearly. -It was red, like everything else in this screwy place, and could only -have been built out of compressed blocks of the red plant. - -In shape it was a perfect octagon. It hung poised in the center of the -cleared space, suspended on nothing. It had to be at least a mile in -diameter, and its sides were pierced with thousands of openings through -which its nightmare occupants appeared and disappeared, drifting in -and out like they had all the time in the world. I stared until my -eyeballs felt paralyzed. - -Pard was right again. These critters had brains. And my S.S.C. -persecutor was right, too. That anti-grav secret was worth more than -any string of rocks in the system, including the Killicut Emeralds. - -Then I swallowed hard. Attaboy was leading me straight across to a -window. Closing my helmet, my fingers fumbled badly. My brain was -fumbling, too. "Zero hour, chump!" it told me, and I shuddered. Picking -up the first hundred pounds of the arsenic, I wobbled over to the -airlock. - - - III - -That palace was like nothing on earth. Naturally, you'll say, it's -on Jupiter. But I mean it was even queerer than that. It was like no -building on any planet at all. And, in fact, it wasn't on a planet; it -was floating up there only two hundred miles in from the raw edge of -space. - -In that building everything stayed right where it was put. If it was -put twelve or fifty feet up off the floor, it stayed there. Not that -there wasn't gravity. There was plenty of gravity to suit me--just -right, in fact--and still they had furniture sitting around in the air -as solid as if on a floor. Which was fine for flying hopper-scorps, but -what about Casey Ritter, who hadn't cultivated even a feather? - -Attaboy, however, had the answers for everything. Towing me from the -airlock to the window ledge, he again sniffed that delectable odor on -my chest, caressed me with his front pair of legs while I manfully -endured, and then without warning tossed me onto his back above the -little box and flew off with me along a tunnel with luminous red walls. - -We finally came to the central hall of the palace, and at the sight -of all that space dropping away, I clutched at his shell and nearly -dropped the arsenic. But he didn't have any brakes I could grab, so he -just flew out into mid-air in a room that could have swallowed a city -block, skyscrapers and all. It was like a mammoth red cavern, and it -glowed like the inside of a red light. - -No wonder those scorpions like green and purple. What a relief from all -that red! - -A patch in the middle of the hall became a floating platform holding up -a divan twenty feet square covered with stuff as green as new spring -grass, and in the center of this reclined Akroida. It had to be. Who -else could look like that? No one, believe me, boys and girls, no one! - -Our little Akroida was a pure and peculiarly violent purple--not a -green edge anywhere. She was even more purple than my fancy enameled -space suit, and she was big enough to comfortably fill most of that -twenty-foot couch. To my shrinking eyes right then she looked as big as -a ten-ton cannon and twice as mean and dangerous. She was idly nipping -here and there as though she was just itching to take a hunk out of -somebody, and the way the servants were edging away out around her, I -could see they didn't want to get in range. I didn't blame them a bit. -Under the vicious sag of her Roman nose, her mandibles kept grinding, -shaking the jewels that were hung all over her repulsive carcass, and -making the Halcyon Diamond on her chest blaze like a bonfire. - -Attaboy dumped me onto a floating cushion where I lay clutching and -shuddering away from her and from the void all around me, and went -across to her alone with the arsenic. - -Akroida rose up sort of languidly on an elbow that was all stripped -bone and sharp as a needle. She pulled an eyeball out about a yard and -scanned Attaboy and the box. He closed in to the couch all hunched -over, ducked his head humbly half-a-dozen times, and pushed the box -over beside her. Akroida eased her eyeball back, opened the box and -sniffed, and then turned to Attaboy with a full-blown Satanic grin. I -could hear her question reverberate away over where I was. - -"Who from?" asked Akroida. - -That conversation was telegraphed to me blow by blow by the actions of -those hopper-scorps. I didn't need their particular brand of Morse Code -at all. - -"Who from?" Attaboy cringed lower and blushed a purple all-over blush. -"Dear lady, it is from an interspace trader who possesses some truly -remarkable jewels," he confessed coyly. - -Akroida toyed with the Halcyon Diamond and ignored the bait. "His -name?" she demanded. And when he told her, with a bad stutter in -his code, she reared up higher on her skinny elbow and glared in my -direction. "Casey Ritter? Never heard of him. Where's he from?" - -Well, after all, she wasn't blind. He had to confess. "I--uh--the -stones were so amazing, Royal Akroida, that I didn't pay much attention -to the--uh--trader. He does seem to resemble an--ah--earthman." He -ducked his head and fearfully waited. - -A sort of jerking quiver ran through Akroida. She reared up even -higher. Her mean Roman nose twitched. "An earthman? Like Pard Hoskins?" - -Attaboy shrank smaller and smaller. He could only nod dumbly. - -The storm broke, all right. That old dame let out a scream like a -maddened stallion and began to thrash around and flail her couch with -that dragon's tail of hers. - - * * * * * - -I began to quake all over. My nice little jail, I thought frantically. -My cozy little cell. Those dear sweet guards. I'd left them all to be -eaten alive by that purple devil. Why didn't I bat my silly brains -out on my cell wall when this idea first sneaked in? Marooned on that -damned hassock a hundred feet above the floor I began to think, and -fast. - -"Bring him here!" roared Akroida, tapping it out so fast it sounded -like gunfire. She gnashed her mandibles and glared until I started -shriveling. "Bring him here! He'll dare to come around and insult me, -will he? I'll flail him limb from limb and chew his bones to shreds! -I'll bite him into chunks! I'll.... Bring him here!" - -She made a furious lunge at Attaboy. Trembling and blanching to a -muddy lavender, he got out of there and scrambled over to me with big -tears rolling down his stiff shell cheeks. Why the poor purple sap, I -thought, he really cares! These things really have feelings! I looked -at him with new respect and even a little affection. - -"Look, kid," I admonished, trying to keep my fingers from shaking as -I tapped. "Just don't worry about a thing. I still think I can handle -this. Just take me across slow and easy, and we'll hope for the best." - -With a mournful sigh he picked me up, tossed me onto his shoulder, and -as per instructions, drifted over to the floating platform. - -All I had was the little bottle of Pard's scorp-scent. "This had better -be good!" I confided to the image of Pard Hoskins, which somehow -managed to get between me and that raging she-dragon on the couch. -"This had sure better be good, son!" - -I waited until Akroida was leaning forward practically gnashing her -mandibles in my face while her front pair of legs grabbed and pawed -for me. She was too fat and bulky to jump at me, or I'd have been a -dead planet-bo right there. But I had to take the chance. There wasn't -a drop of perfume to waste. At the last moment I lifted that precious -little bottle and squirted the stuff right in her face. - -Her mandibles flew open and stayed there. Slowly her front legs -dropped; a film of ecstasy formed over those wild glittering eyes. She -sank back and began to croon. Yes, croon! My helmet vibrated with it. - -Then her long skinny front legs made beckoning motions to me. Frosts of -romance! She wanted me to share her couch! - -Attaboy didn't ask if I was willing. Delightedly he dumped me beside -her. And then, having inhaled some of that perfume himself and not -being able to tear himself away, he forgot all about etiquette and -curled up beside us to bask some more in those luscious mists. - - * * * * * - -What's more revolting than a hopper-scorp in a tantrum? I'll tell you, -chums: a hopper-scorp in the throes of infatuation! Especially when the -hopper-scorp in question is Akroida. For one thing, she's so big. And -for another, she's so unmentionably thorough. She was infatuated from -the spike on her repulsive forehead down to the devilish sting on her -tail. With me! - -I tried to tell her it was Attaboy she must love, not me. She merely -wallowed her hideous head, as big as a bucket, in my suffering lap, -clattering it against my enameled space suit; she rolled her horrible -eyes while her whole monstrosity of a body twitched and quivered with -emotion. I tried to turn the conversation to the emeralds. She wasn't -even interested. We hadn't needed the emeralds at all; we'd only needed -Pard's special concoction. Furtively, behind the horseplay, I began to -plan to salvage those emeralds for myself. - -That stuff must have been making me delirious, too. - -I don't know how long that blood-curdling love scene went on. That -awful she-scorp picked me up and rocked me while I scraped diamonds -and rubies along my visor and chest. She signalled servants who were -hovering on all sides taking in the show, and they rushed to bring -tidbits that I had to hide behind cushions because I couldn't open my -helmet in that atmosphere. Then the servants, getting whiffs of that -cursed perfume, would snuggle up with us, until there wasn't elbow room -on that big couch. Akroida would churn her tail around and knock them -all off so that she could cuddle me better. Then she got the idea of -singing to me. And my air was running out. - -Finally, while I still had a bit of air left, the jag began to wear -off, and Akroida slumped over and went to sleep holding me tenderly -against her breast-shell. The moment I felt her grip relax, I wiggled -out of there. Attaboy was fast asleep too. Desperately I decided that -I could row through the air if those scorps could. Grabbing Attaboy's -arm, I stepped off into nothing. Sure enough, the anti-grav worked for -me, too. Sweating with the thought of what would have been left of -Casey Ritter if it hadn't, I sort of swam away from there, towing my -guide. Out at the boat, I anchored him outside the airlock and crawled -inside. I'm not ashamed to admit that I got out of my helmet, gasped in -some good old oxygen, and collapsed. What a day! - - - IV - -When the time rolled around for my next visit to Akroida, I decided -to play it cool and careful. I was fortified with a snooze, a slug of -Scotch, and a meal, but I still wasn't busting out with courage. I made -a mental note to be damn cautious about that perfume. Maybe it was -necessary to overdo it that first time, with her shouting for my blood, -but that was all past I hoped. - -I sprayed just a tiny bit on my suit, calculated to soothe and lure -but not to excite. I wanted no more cuddling with Akroida, please! -Then with my pal Attaboy, I stiffened my backbone and plunged out into -that poison gas they call atmosphere. I let Attaboy ferry me. He was -very hazy about our return trip from Akroida's chamber, so I decided to -leave him ignorant. No use to let even him know I could locomote the -scorpion way. I might need to make a getaway, and surprise might be of -the very essence. - -But I didn't need to worry. Old Akroida had slept off her jag, and -right away I found out that she wasn't queen-scorp for nothing. The old -girl was real canny. She made Attaboy park me on a hassock just within -tapping distance, and sat there holding her head in a way that made me -soften with sympathy, knowing just how she felt. Many's the time.... -Yes, sir, poor old Ak was nursing a real, ten-karat hangover. She waved -a claw so feebly it didn't even stir those ropes of jewels hung all -over her. "Casey Ritter," she tapped. "What did you do to me?" - -All to myself, inside my hard-shell suit, I began to laugh; but it was -no laughing matter, because she was beginning to regain her strength. -She pointed a claw at me, and it was quite a bit steadier than the wave -had been. "You did something!" she accused, and very intelligently, -too, for a body that had never before had a hangover. "What was it?" - -I didn't like the tone of that, and began tapping out a hasty denial. -"Not intentionally, noble queen, believe me! I simply brought you that -exquisite perfume as a gift from an admirer of yours whom I met on my -way here. I had no idea how strong it was. I should have tested it -first on your servant here." I pointed to Attaboy. "I can see that we -need to thin it some, but it's wonderful, isn't it, now?" - -She didn't even flutter an antenna at this coyness. "Earthman," she -tapped out sternly, "you want something. Earthmen always bring trouble, -and they always want something! No Earthman brings presents to Akroida -from simple friendship. Tell me what you're after, Casey Ritter!" - -I sighed. "O.K., noble queen. I just wanted to calm you down so I could -talk to you. I didn't have any idea that perfume would affect you that -way. I just thought you'd like it, and then you'd be pleasant and we -could talk." - -She snorted like an old war horse, but that hurt her head. After a -minute of clutching it, she groaned, and then tapped carefully, "I'm -calm now. You can talk. What do you want?" - -"Fine," I tapped out heartily. "I want to make a trade with you." - -Her lack of enthusiasm would have chilled a wooden Indian. But I -figured that the time had come to get on with it, regardless. She just -wasn't going to stall, or let me, either. - -"Ah, yes, a trade!" was all she said, but she gave it a nasty twist. - -I plunge. "I want to swap your anti-gravity secret for a string of the -most magnificent emeralds you ever dreamed of, Akroida. Why, they'd -make that batch you're wearing look like little glass beads! You'll -have to see them to--" - -She didn't let me finish. A sort of high-pitched cackle of amazement -issued from her bony jaws; but then she floored me by changing the -subject completely, I thought. That was just my little error. A man can -sure miss the boat when dealing with these foreign races. She began -to ask me questions about the Earth, and was she interested! She even -forgot about her hangover. And she completely ignored the emeralds. -You'd have thought I hadn't even mentioned the things. - - * * * * * - -This went on for about an hour, and then all of a sudden she leaned -back on her paris-green cushions, inhaled a pinch of arsenic, and began -to chuckle a sort of brassy chuckle that sent shivers down my back. The -chuckles got bigger and bigger until she busted out into a full-size -horse laugh that would have jangled the chandelier if there'd been one -to jangle. - -Her head bounced back and forth on her skinny neck, and the Halcyon -Diamond bounced around on her chest like a loose headlight. All her -jewels began to bounce and jangle. Droves of servants swarmed around -to peek, while Attaboy just floated there with his mouth wide open. -I nudged him. "What's so funny?" I asked, but he only shook his head -dumfounded. - -That awful laughing was sure giving me the creeping jeevies, and it -wasn't until she finally tapered off in a series of snorts and giggles -that I began to breathe again. I braced myself for what might come -next. But talk about unpredictable females! Human or scorpion, they're -all the same. She floored me again. - -"It's a deal, Casey Ritter!" She tapped out the words with relish. -"Fair and open, straight across the board. Those emeralds for our -anti-gravity plans and formulae." - -I was stunned. A statement like that after that laugh! And she hadn't -even seen the emeralds. You couldn't tell old horse trader Ritter that -there wasn't something phony. But she just snickered at my expression -and waved to the servants who were still hovering around. It took a -dozen of them to hoist her up. - -With me following on Attaboy, we flew down a serpentine hallway for -half a mile until we came to a room even bigger than her audience -chamber, only this one was filled with machinery suspended in the air -just like the furniture was up above. It was big machinery, too, but it -didn't seem to matter. - -Akroida waved a feeler at it all. "Just to show you that I'm not -holding anything back," she tapped out. "Here it all is, and there on -the wall are the plans and descriptions." - -Attaboy flew me over, and I stared at them. They were a real neat job, -and the mathematics were the same old math we use on Earth, or I was -even more of a sucker than I thought I was. I shook the old bean to -clear it, but I still couldn't get a glimmer about the caper she was -staging. But I could still hear that laugh.... - -Well, the rest is history, as the books say. With me still not -believing a word of it, we made the trade, fair and open, as Akroida -had said. She even let me stand by while her scorps copied the plans, -and then I checked and rechecked a dozen times. Not a phony mark -anywhere. When I handed over the emeralds, she cooed in rapture. A -thing like that coo? Well, she did. - -Akroida didn't hardly know I was going. She just waved me, her -lover-for-a-day, carelessly away and went on stroking those beauties, -while the hopper-scorps hovered around in such crowds that Attaboy and -I had to elbow our way out of there. As a parting gift, out at the -edge of that hellish Red Spot, I reached out of the lock and handed -Attaboy the little bottle with what was left of the perfume. - -"Here you are, pal," I tapped. "This'll promote you to Court Lover -number one. Kiss the old girl for me." - - - V - -Back on Earth I was still trancing around feeling the air with my -fingers and pinching myself here and there just to make sure I had -really got out of that inferno all in one piece, when they hauled -me out to the airport to present me with my ship. They even made -a ceremony of it and gave me a medal for distinguished service to -Mankind. And who do you think presented the medal? - -I looked at the dapper little figure waltzing over all togged out -in the S.S.C. uniform, and then I did a double take. It was no -other than my old pal of the Iron College, perfume-manufacturer for -hopper-scorps, Pard Hoskins. He came over and clapped me on the back, -but I didn't feel a thing. I was paralyzed. - -So I'd been taken for a ride right from the start. So they'd outsmarted -me all the way: out-fought and out-figured me, and even planted a -stoolie on me and made me like it. - -I didn't hear a word they said, nor even notice when they pinned -the medal on. When they got through with me, I just crawled into my -beautiful new ship like it was an old tin can and headed out. I didn't -even care right then if I landed back in Akroida's bony lap. I'd have -stuck my head in her mandibles and told her, "Chew it up, Ak. It's just -a cabbage, anyway." - -But a funny thing happened. Out there, mooning along all alone in the -dark with not a soul in a million miles, I heard Akroida laughing. It -was a horrible sound, a kind of metallic neighing and snorting, but -pretty soon I began laughing, too. I didn't know what the joke was, but -all of a sudden I knew I'd find out some day. It did me a lot of good. -I braced up and went on to Venus, where I made some real good trades. -I didn't try any more capers, though. I was all capered out. - -It wasn't until a year later, in a joint on Mars, that I ran into Pard -Hoskins again. I gave him the old frost, but he only grinned sort of -sad and touched me for some of that filthy Martian beer. He looked real -seedy. - -"What's the matter?" I asked, as sarcastic as I could manage. "They -sending you over the road again to nab another sucker?" - -He shook his head, and sighed into his beer. "I got fired, Casey," he -confessed. "Over that there Killicut caper. Those plans--I might of -known." He shook his head again like a tired old man. - -A shiver ran over me. "Here it comes," I thought. - -"What about those plans?" I asked. "Weren't they all O.K.?" - -He sighed again. "Nope. Oh, the plans was O.K. They was strictly bona -fide. Only they won't work on Earth. I told 'em about that anti-grav in -the first place. Then I almost caused an inter-world incident stealin' -the Killicut Emeralds. And now the damn thing won't work on Earth!" He -set to chewing his lip and staring into his beer. - -I took him by his scrawny shoulder and shook. "Why won't it work?" I -yelled. "I knew there was something, the way she laughed! Why won't it -work?" - -He stared dully at me. "Laugh, did she? Well, she sure had the last -laugh. It won't work in our atmosphere; just on a chlorine or methane -planet. It works like the poles of a battery. That Great Red Spot is -just the negative pole. All those there plants change the atmosphere -just enough to make it a strong negative field. Then all they have to -do is counter-balance that with enough positive, and there they are. It -works like anti-gravity, only it ain't. Only we ain't got an atmosphere -we can work that way. Cripes! So she laughed!" His hoarse voice stopped -and he stared bitterly at the wall. Then he cussed for two minutes -without stopping. He took a big swig of that rotten beer. "I'll bet -she's laughing herself fat, the old rip!" - -Well, I hope she is. In the dead of night sometimes I can hear her; and -pretty soon I'm laughing, too.... - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Jupiter's Joke, by A. L. Haley - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JUPITER'S JOKE *** - -***** This file should be named 63640.txt or 63640.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/3/6/4/63640/ - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part -of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm -concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, -and may not be used if you charge for the eBooks, unless you receive -specific permission. If you do not charge anything for copies of this -eBook, complying with the rules is very easy. You may use this eBook -for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, -performances and research. They may be modified and printed and given -away--you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks -not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the -trademark license, especially commercial redistribution. - -START: FULL LICENSE - -THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE -PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK - -To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free -distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work -(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full -Project Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at -www.gutenberg.org/license. - -Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works - -1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to -and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property -(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all -the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or -destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your -possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a -Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound -by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the -person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph -1.E.8. - -1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be -used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who -agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few -things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See -paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this -agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. - -1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the -Foundation" or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection -of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual -works in the collection are in the public domain in the United -States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the -United States and you are located in the United States, we do not -claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, -displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as -all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope -that you will support the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting -free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm -works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the -Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with the work. You can easily -comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the -same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg-tm License when -you share it without charge with others. - -1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern -what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are -in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, -check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this -agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, -distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any -other Project Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no -representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any -country outside the United States. - -1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: - -1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other -immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear -prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work -on which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the -phrase "Project Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, -performed, viewed, copied or distributed: - - This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and - most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no - restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it - under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this - eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the - United States, you'll have to check the laws of the country where you - are located before using this ebook. - -1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is -derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not -contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the -copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in -the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are -redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply -either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or -obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg-tm -trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted -with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution -must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any -additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms -will be linked to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works -posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the -beginning of this work. - -1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this -work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. - -1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this -electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without -prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with -active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project -Gutenberg-tm License. - -1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, -compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including -any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access -to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format -other than "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official -version posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site -(www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense -to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means -of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original "Plain -Vanilla ASCII" or other form. Any alternate format must include the -full Project Gutenberg-tm License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. - -1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, -performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works -unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing -access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -provided that - -* You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from - the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method - you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed - to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he has - agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project - Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid - within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are - legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty - payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project - Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in - Section 4, "Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg - Literary Archive Foundation." - -* You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies - you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he - does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm - License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all - copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue - all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg-tm - works. - -* You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of - any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the - electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of - receipt of the work. - -* You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free - distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work or group of works on different terms than -are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing -from both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and The -Project Gutenberg Trademark LLC, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm -trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. - -1.F. - -1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable -effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread -works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project -Gutenberg-tm collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may -contain "Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate -or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other -intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or -other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or -cannot be read by your equipment. - -1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right -of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project -Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all -liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal -fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT -LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE -PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE -TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE -LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR -INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH -DAMAGE. - -1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a -defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can -receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a -written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you -received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium -with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you -with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in -lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person -or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second -opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If -the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing -without further opportunities to fix the problem. - -1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth -in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO -OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT -LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. - -1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied -warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of -damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement -violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the -agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or -limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or -unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the -remaining provisions. - -1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the -trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone -providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in -accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the -production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, -including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of -the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this -or any Project Gutenberg-tm work, (b) alteration, modification, or -additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any -Defect you cause. - -Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm - -Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of -electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of -computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It -exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations -from people in all walks of life. - -Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the -assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's -goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will -remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure -and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future -generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see -Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at -www.gutenberg.org - - - -Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation - -The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit -501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the -state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal -Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification -number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by -U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. - -The Foundation's principal office is in Fairbanks, Alaska, with the -mailing address: PO Box 750175, Fairbanks, AK 99775, but its -volunteers and employees are scattered throughout numerous -locations. Its business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt -Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to -date contact information can be found at the Foundation's web site and -official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact - -For additional contact information: - - Dr. Gregory B. Newby - Chief Executive and Director - gbnewby@pglaf.org - -Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation - -Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide -spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of -increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be -freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest -array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations -($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt -status with the IRS. - -The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating -charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United -States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a -considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up -with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations -where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND -DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular -state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate - -While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we -have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition -against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who -approach us with offers to donate. - -International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make -any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from -outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. - -Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation -methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other -ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To -donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate - -Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. - -Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project -Gutenberg-tm concept of a library of electronic works that could be -freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and -distributed Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of -volunteer support. - -Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed -editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in -the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not -necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper -edition. - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search -facility: www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. - diff --git a/old/63640.zip b/old/63640.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index c557b96..0000000 --- a/old/63640.zip +++ /dev/null |
